The Joe Rogan Experience - #326 - Bryan Callen

Episode Date: February 20, 2013

Bryan Callen is an actor, stand-up comedian, and host of his own podcasts: The Bryan Callen Show and The 10-Minute Podcast, with co-hosts Will Sasso and Chris D'Elia.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! Powerful Brian Callen. Ladies and gentlemen. My man. Good to be here, good to be here on the JRE. Good to be here with you, my brother, always.

Always fun when I come off stage anywhere I am and people always go, dude, I listened to you on the Joe Rogan podcast. It's so great because people – it's such an experience for a lot of – especially young guys. It's kind of like their thing and they think that in a way – they always come to me like they're the only people on the planet that are actually listening. They feel that way. There's an intimacy that they kind of have. It's kind of cool. They're always like, dude, just so you know, I listened to you on the Joe Rogan.

I'm like, yes, thank you. It's a weird little fraternity of freaks. I notice it's actually a lot of just young men looking for positive example and sort of direction, which is exactly what I needed when I was that age. Jesus Christ. which is exactly what I needed when I was that age. Jesus Christ. They're looking for someone who's older than them to be telling them the fucking truth. That's right.

About life, about insecurities, breeding, politics. And also telling them the way they feel is fine. Totally normal. I walked around my whole life feeling inappropriate because I'm a fucking carnivore. And just a carnivore in a lot of sense. I mean just having inappropriate thoughts all the time as a young guy going – monogamy. Well, that girl has huge tits. Why do I want to go to a strip club? Hookers.

I can pay her to bang. I can – why do I want to punch that guy in the face? Because he's drinking weird at a water fountain. You know, all those things that you kind of have these impulses of. Like I always would hang out with some people and they just seemed so civilized and I just always felt like a criminal among fucking – like I just felt like – I don't know. I felt like doing something else. Well, it's not even – you're not a bad guy by any stretch of the imagination. which it is sometimes that part's missing,

is the people that we know that are flawed, like the people that we know that are fucked up, they seem to be the most enjoyable to be around. Oh, yeah. But the key is not evil. Not evil. Fucked up and sweet. Exactly.

Like Joey Diaz is fucked up and sweet. No, you've got to be ethical. You've got to be ethical as a person. Ethical meaning taking into account other people's feelings and rights. I mean you got to make sure. But I think you and I always bonded on one major central issue. We were always honest with each other, always. Even when we'd lie, like we'd say something to each other, I'd like – I remember you did the same thing with them.

We go – I said – you asked me a question and I said yes. And then like three seconds later I go no not really but yes I want it to be but that's not true you know as long as you're honest about how you feel it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter you know you can come up to your friends and just be like I fucked up I fucked up man I'm I'm you know I feel terrible even if you even if you did something terrible like if you fuck your friend's girlfriend or something crazy, which is like – yeah, it's a huge thing. Did you ever do that? No, I never have.

But if you came to your friend and went, dude, I fucked your girlfriend. I'm a scumbag. Punch me in the face. I'm a bad guy. It's really easy to forgive people when they kind of are just honest with, I fucked up. I made a mistake. I made a mistake. I'm weak.

It's really hard to hate somebody for that. There's something very liberating about that. I said when Tiger Woods gave that terrible speech about, well, I take responsibility and be so rude about it. I was like, Tiger, Tiger, get up in front of the world and go, hey, everybody. I've had to be perfect my whole life life and I feel bad about what I did. I embarrassed my wife. I embarrassed everybody else. And I'm going to do the best I can.

I'm going to try. I'm a flawed guy. I'm a flawed guy. I have these impulses. It's really hard for me. And I'm going to try the best I can to be a better person. And that's all I can offer, man. I would have been like, you're being a human being.

You're really talking to me. Like somebody I can understand. Yeah. Because we're all way more forgiving I think than we give each other credit for because we all know how we feel inside. We're all flawed. Yeah. I think. Yeah, and I think that one of the things that people look in pretending that they're not flawed, that dishonesty that you have if you're not if you're not really yeah if you're not really looking at yourself accurately like everybody that i've ever met that's a con man

like real con artisty yeah they've always seemed weird and fucked up always yeah it's like when you're lying to other people you're lying you're also doing something to yourself who, you're lying. You're also doing something to yourself. Who are you guys talking about, by the way? Are you talking about anyone in particular? Probably. You just started talking about it. I don't have anybody specific in my mind. We're just talking about life habits and when you take shortcuts

and you get away with them when you're younger and you think you get away with them. The truth is, we were talking about this before the podcast podcast there just aren't any shortcuts well they fuck and they impede your development yeah when when something goes wrong you have to address it you address it and that's how you get better everything that i've ever done where i fucked up on it made me better at everything i've ever done it's just uncomfortable you don't want to feel it yeah i'm sorry to interrupt that that comes from also learning how to talk to yourself and being nice to yourself. Yeah.

Not being too hard on yourself either. Like this is a marathon, not a sprint. Take it easy on yourself. And it also comes from building up like a database of you being a good person. Like you have to really believe in yourself as a person. But mistakes and fuck-ups and things that you do along the line, those are like hugely important. They really are because when you're developing as a human being and you're a young person trying to make your way through life, you're going to come across these situations where you do not know how to behave correctly. Whether it's because of your emotions, whether it's because of your hormones, your insecurities, whatever the fuck it is, it's very possible for you to fuck up and make mistakes.

But those mistakes are huge. All of those dumb things, those lefts when you should have went right, all of those things can be – as long as they don't kill you, you can learn a lot from them. I was talking to a guy named – I think it was Bill Unger a long time ago who produced True Romance and all those movies. And I had written something and I said, I'm trying to write this script but it sucks. And he said, Brian, I know a lot of Academy Award winning writers and I don't know one of them that doesn't have a trunk, a trunk full of scripts that are all shit. It took him a long time to get to that. Steven Soderbergh, I read an interview, and he's done 26 movies, but he said before Sex, Lies, and Videotape,

he had had five flops, five terrible movies he made. He learned how to make a good movie by just making those mistakes. There are no exceptions. Yeah, well, and if there are, I don't care. They're not relevant.

That's right. That's right. Maybe some people figured out a way through life without fucking up notoriously. Yeah, but even in Malcolm Gladwell and Outliers was talking about Mozart and we always said, well, Mozart was making music at six. I bet that music sucked. Exactly. He said his real music that we listened to didn't start for 10, 15 years. Literally, he was 18 when he was making the music that you can listen to.

That was Mozart. Not to shit on Mozart or anything like that. But I think the mistakes and the flaws and the fuck-ups in life, they're so critical for a sense of humor. They're so critical for understanding boundaries and limitations. They're really critical man it's just

they suck when they happen man like bombing on stage is fucking terrible but it's been one of like the biggest peaks in growth in my stand-up career i've come after like horrible like no doubt just devastating bombings where i was like oh my god i gotta regroup and then when i regrouped boom i came back like way better like i'm just much more focused i don't know what i had done that led me to bombing these few i have like some peak peak bombings in my life where i go back and i look on them like real like life-changing bombings i have like four like meteor holes in my past where i just ate a million dicks on stage. You're up there and it's forever. I've had a few of those. But one of the biggest – I think probably the biggest one I ever had was after Jim Brewer.

Jim Brewer and I did a gig in – I think it was somewhere around New York City, like Nanuet or one of those places. And we had worked together all week and it. And I should not have been headlining. I was not really ready to headline. But I was headlining. I really didn't have 45 minutes. I just didn't. I would stretch it out. It wasn't that good.

It was like the beginnings of me headlining. And Brewer was, first of all, greatest guy in the world. So fucking pure. So in the moment. guy yeah you laugh with he's a funny and he's funny as hell oh he's hilarious he's such a sweetheart man he's such a good guy well um i a whole bunch of factors contributed to this bombing first of all i i had decided to start dressing like very nice on stage because when i did that once i i had leather shoes on i was like i i can't i can't i can't get my footing i thought

i was literally on ice i was like i can't i got because i'm so physical i was like i'm in leather shoes it was a disaster yeah i did that i wore like club shoes club pants, a nice, thin, shiny belt. Oh, my God. It was so gross. And I think I just looked ridiculous. I always looked ridiculous. But I looked extra ridiculous. I was trying to be. And Brewer went up in front of me and fucking destroyed.

He caught this gear. He used to do this bit about coming home. The bit was him coming home fucked up, and his mother was just waking up and screaming at him. It was like this demonic noise that he would do. He's got that face. He looks like Donald Duck when he's like, ah! I'm not doing the bit justice because it was fucking hilarious. And he was in just super kill mode.

You know how sometimes a comic just hits that super kill frequency without just laying it down, laying it down? And I was backstage and I was like, I can't follow this. I cannot follow this. I was like, I'm not going to be able to follow this. I just – I knew I couldn't follow it. I knew I couldn't follow it. I didn't have that much – I didn't have that much good material. And the way my act was structured back then, I sucked. I had to do it in this order. follow it i didn't have that much i didn't have that much good material right and i oh god the

way my act was structured back then i sucked i i had to do it in this order yeah like i would start out with this yes yes i'd be off the rails and into the woods i'd be dead i had no flexibility right so i went on and just hey dick oh my god it was so bad. It was one of the worst bombings ever. I just couldn't figure out how to be funny. I couldn't relax. Yeah. You don't have that on tape, dude. I was on a tailspin.

I wish I did. I have the first time I ever did something on tape. I've got to find. I wouldn't – I would show it to people because it is important. There are some videos of me sucking on Rascal's Comedy Hour. Oh, dude. Did you see that one I tweeted, retweeted the other day? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your voice is so weird. You were – Hi, guys. I'm the boy. I was only 21. The first time I ever saw you destroy was in – and I had actually never seen a lot of comedy. I was like 17 years ago at the comedy store at the main room. There was this like Nina Hartley and some other like porn – it was like porn.

Oh, I know what it was. It was Blue Monday is what they called it. And what they did was they would show like a B-porn movie. Right. Like it was like not really porn. Yes. You know what I mean? It was like they would like dry hump and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were like, oh, pretend. You didn't see any dicks going into vaginas or anything. But it was really weird. It was the first time I saw your tiger bit. It was so – it destroyed. I was like, what the fuck? Because it was all these girls and you were like this young animal.

You were just like – and you go, look at all these sluts. The guy was talking about sluts. He goes, I don't think there's anything wrong with sluts. I think they're great. Everybody's like, what? Everybody's like, what did he say? And then that was it. You were just off.

It was crazy, man. That fucking tiger bit would bring the fucking house down. Yeah, that bit was hard to get rid of. It's hard to get rid of bits, isn't it? That bit was. I miss my bits. Because that bit was really important to me. Oh, yeah.

That was like my first. It was who you were in a way. Yeah, it was my first bit that, at the time at least, really represented how I thought about things. Yeah, I wasn't really ready for my feelings of letting go of everything i did on my first special like now i'm working on the special like i just let i literally haven't done it well i get people like call out and want want it and i'll do it sometimes but but letting that go is kind of like saying bye to old friends like yeah i had really good experiences around that you know like they did the when you i would

do this churning butter bit or i would do punching a cow to death. That shit was like – Yeah. Like I remember the feelings around it and it was so much a part of who I was. And I remember thinking it up and I remember I can't believe this is working. And then you have to just let it go to reinvent yourself. It's an interesting kind of thing. I guess maybe novelists feel that way or something.

Yeah, I bet they probably do because you let that book out and it's gone. Yeah, but if you're a musician, you can sing the same shit over and over again. Yeah, that's cool too. But that's not our gig. Our gig is we got to come up with new shit. Yeah, we – I admire it in other comedians. new shit yep yeah we um i i admire it and other comedians so i mean just seems to like it always seems smart to do what you admire in other people yeah so if i admire it and other people it's okay i'll do that too it's just i think constantly coming up with new stuff sometimes i think that

sometimes i think that that's almost i like that even more like like when i have a day where i come up with an amazing bit or it just comes together yeah i i my day is i'm just like oh i feel like i did something special you know but you know what there's also something to be said for doing a bit for a long time where you get that motherfucker down to a samurai sword you fold that steel and hammer it down still you cut it down to yeah you carve it there were some bits that i had by the time I first got an album that I had been doing for six, seven years. And when you get them, you just get a timing thing with a bit. You know how much fat is in the bit and how to cut the fat out. Well, it's all rhythm.

It's all rhythm. It's exactly like music. It's like a song. Fiona Apple said that she would see my bits and she would say, it's a song. What you're doing is working out the words and the rhythm and figuring out where to place emphasis on what word, how many words to use in that sentence. That is actually what you're doing. You restructure it sometimes. And sometimes you start with a kernel of an idea and it doesn't come to you in its full kind of form for five years yeah which which i love because it's kind of like that mystical notion of it's always existed you just had to keep mining you know your

insides or whatever to find it you know well that's like the idea of sculpture is that that's that always get the shit out of the way that rock yeah you just gotta get the other shit out that's what michelangelo said he said it exists i just gotta get all this stuff around it away well that is the way it but that's the way it is with a human being, isn't it? Yeah, it is. It definitely is. You simplify. You simplify and actually get down to who you really are as opposed to who you're trying or pretending to be.

And inspiration comes in waves representative to how you feel about life. I feel like when I'm appreciative of life and I'm happy and I'm thankful and I'm healthy and I'm just in a good groove socially, then inspiration just sort of flows in and out of my brain. Like I'm constantly coming up with new ideas. I'm much less troubled. internal bullshit or arguments with friends or anything. It has a big impact. Very much so. On how I feel, on creativity, on my ability to expand on ideas. Yeah, you become very sensitive to that. I certainly do.

If I have anything I feel like I'm lying about or I'm not – I haven't closed an end. If I have an open circle in my life like that, I have to take care of it immediately. I think in a way that's kind of why the value of doing one thing really well kind of makes everything in your life come together. Like you can't – you almost can't do something at a high, high level without taking care of the other loose ends in your life. That's kind of one of the benefits I think of, you know, you said something really interesting when we were together the last time we were in Vegas and there was some talking about something and there was things and, and I said to you, you know, what do you think of that?

And you said, it was great. You said, I don't, I don't leave any room in my head for that. I don't, that doesn't, I don't, I've learned to keep that out of my head. That's a beautiful thing to think about because that's an option that a lot of people forget. I forgot it. Yeah. Where, where you said that and I went, that's, that's, uh, I was like, that's, that's something I, you know what?

I could make that choice. I could make the choice of not having that in my head in the first place. Yeah. I'm, I'm pretty good at it now. Um, I, I, I used to, I've dipped in and out on it. Everybody does. I've dipped in and out on it Ever since I was a child And when I was younger It was much harder

For me to stay on And not obsess about things Or think about things But now I can lock things out If someone's a douchebag You're just locked out You don't I don't incorporate you into the experience of of life that's probably that's probably called that's probably called peace

of mind yeah yeah it'd be yeah well you know you know who you are you know you know who you are if you're self-evaluating if you're constantly trying to uh better yourself and you're self-judging all the time which i know you are yeah and And I try to do as much as possible. Any weird, freaky criticism stands out. It's like any creepiness stands out. It's not helpful. It's a form of procrastination. I think if you're a happy person and you surround yourself with good people

and you're all working towards trying to find some path in each other's life, real conflicts are very rare. They really are. But you've got to know when they do exist, what they are, where they came from, what you can do to stop them from ever happening again, what you did to maybe draw them into your life. But don't incorporate them into your thinking. Yeah, that's another interesting point is a lot of times we draw distraction into

our life because it takes the pressure off us. Sort of or you don't realize you draw focus from other things because you're intimidated by the process. Yes. You're intimidated by the process of creating, by the process of doing whatever it is your path is, whether you're an artist, the process of starting your art. Well, I knew a guy who was older who said, you can even use fatigue to your advantage.

Fatigue is energy. It's a form of energy. He said, a lot of writers will talk about, well, I'm tired. I'm going to write about a character who's exhausted. I'm going to put this exhaustion, or a lot of actors will talk about that. An actor teacher, Jeffrey Tambor, who's awesome, said, hey, you're tired? You tired?

That might just be who the fucking character is today. What's wrong with doing an audition, yawning and not getting up? You might just get the part. You can use whatever, you kind of learn how to master sort of whatever you're feeling at the moment and use that to your advantage. Well, the most important aspect I think of your energy is you can regulate it a lot more than you think you can.

You can regulate it by your choices. You can regulate it by your enthusiasm for things. You can regulate it by your attitude. Food you put in your body. Yeah, and your attitude is a really important aspect of it, man. The way you choose to direct the frequencies of your own mind.

And if you're constantly in conflict, sometimes you have to look at that and go, man, what am I putting out there? Maybe I should adjust my own signal because I'm attracting so many douchebags in my life. What is that?

There's a huge difference between critical thinking, knowing what's good and bad for you, knowing the meaningful difference between things and being critical. So a lot of people just are blindly just generally critical and they're coming at everything. generally critical and they're coming at everything, their first thing is a habitual criticism rather than looking at a situation, looking at what's right in the situation and either praising that or indulging in that or just knowing that that over there, that isn't as good as this over here. That's critical thinking. So you can be positive in your mindset, which you you should be but you don't want to be some people are so blindly positive that they they can't see

you know that disaster looms ahead right you got to know that critical thinking is very important what's not important is overly critical thinking overly critical thinking gets boring cynical like nonsensical constant negativity it's like jesus fucking christ who wants to listen to this right you know and some people don't understand that there's i want you know that one guy in work you're always ignoring him because when you're around him he tells you about his foot hurting or he's got you know what happens to me with those people and i don't even i know i'm thinking of several people that i know who are pretty sick who were pretty successful when they show up i get i get literally i'm like oh no it's a damper. I get tired. The minute they show up, I go, I'm depressed now.

This guy just showed his face. There's certain people that when you're talking to them, you just really have to get away from their presence. Like they're drawing from you. I wonder what the – is that quantifiable? Could you put like a sticker on you and people could like know for sure if the person that you're around likes being around you? They kind of do already, don't they?

They put a sticker on themselves. Yeah. If you notice people like that, after a while, they just get left alone on a couch somewhere. Yeah. I knew a guy who used to come to parties. We'd see him. And he just – I would notice that after a while, he just ended up being alone and talking to some girl who didn't know better.

And everybody would just be – he was kind of like kryptonite. He was kind of like people would – if you spray a bug spray near a bunch of ants and they just kind of run to one side. It was really interesting. I was like, oh, I don't think that guy can come over anymore. He kind of sucks. Yeah, there's some weird fucks out there in this world. The broad spectrum of human behavior behavior it's so much room for

strangeness yeah but it's it's a habit you know i think success can become a habit you learn how to like learn how to talk to yourself properly learn how to take care of yourself and sustain your energy those are habits that you can get into yeah i think when you're running into really fucked up people with almost all of them it's the childhood like what what what happened in your programming that you weren't able to escape you know yeah but i'm a huge i'm very interested also though in in some people are able to put change into context so they can like it's kind of like when you take jujitsu from a really good teacher who breaks down who teaches you the principles and the bedrock before he teaches you all the moves there there is a way sometimes where somebody can kind of like – one of the greatest things I ever heard from me that helped was I heard somebody say – a sports psychologist said most people have a primary question going on in their head and it's usually something negative. It doesn't help them.

They're walking around going, what if I'm not lovable? What if I fail? What if I'm not lovable? What if I fail? And he says you can reprogram your mind to ask yourself a very, very empowering question where the answer you're looking for is going to enhance you. It's going to cause you to reach in a positive direction as opposed to a negative direction. As an example, you establish what you want to be and you go, what action can I take today to get closer to what I want to do or who I want to be? Sometimes even just asking that question can put you in – like I think writing in a way is kind of like that too.

The goals. Ask yourself a question. When you're focused and you have a goal or when you're focused and you have any sort of endeavor that you're pursuing, you have purpose to your existence. You have like something that's like leaning you towards prosperity. You see an accomplishment at the head of the rainbow. You know what I mean? Yes, I do. your existence you have like something that's like leaning you towards prosperity you see an accomplishment at the head of the rainbow you know you know what i mean yes and when when you

when you have like things that you're trying to accomplish you learn about yourself along the way and a lot of people grow up in life without doing things like that without having any challenges without having any goals set without having any discipline, without having any – and by discipline, I don't mean like someone telling you to do push-ups like military style yelling at you. I mean the ability to make yourself uncomfortable to get done what you know needs to get done, which a lot of people lack. A lot of people don't know even how to approach getting successful too.

A lot of people like young guys I notice don't really know what to do with their energy. Like they don't know what to focus on. And I always say just follow – try to ask yourself the right questions and find somebody who's successful and kind of follow their example. Sometimes that can help. And there's also the issue with the word successful. Like what is successful? I mean if a guy has a medium income but he has a happy family and he loves his job, that's a successful man.

That's a successful person. I would way rather be that person than a guy who's very wealthy and completely miserable with failed relationships left and right. See it all the time, by the way. There's a lot of that. I met a guy... Because the focus that's required to get really, really rich a lot of times makes you a fucking crazy person. I was with Dove David.

This guy we met, who was a neurosurgeon and had his MBA. He was very wealthy with his trophy girlfriend. He was a wealthy, good-looking guy. He started telling us about what an athlete he was and how he was a neurosurgeon. Oh, those guys are the best. Dov Davidoff was listening to him.

For a second, I thought this guy was good. He's lost. He's completely lost. It was exactly what he was. He was a grown man who was probably 38 who had spent his whole life throwing on all these incredible accomplishments. So he could say he had his MBA and he was a neurosurgeon

and he had money and he was an athlete and he was completely fucking lost. This guy couldn't sit still on his own skin. He didn't have a friend in the world. He saw us and he was like, I want to be friends with you and I'm going to do it by telling you about myself

the whole night. We were like, I'm fucking allergic. That sounds like a real crazy person. But sometimes it takes a real crazy person to achieve excellence. It's a really funny Bill Burr thing. Bill Burr was on Conan O'Brien and he was talking about Lance Armstrong.

Have you seen it, Brian? No. Pull it up. It was fucking awesome. Bill Burr was talking about – and he echoed my sentiments exactly on this whole Lance Armstrong thing about how in order to be like the best fucking cycler dude ever, like you've really got to be some kind of psychopath yeah you know and and and bill had this whole bit about how you know everybody knew everybody was juice and it's really really really funny but that guy i mean lance armstrong he's a fucking crazy person he's a sociopath is what i think i mean he coming after people it's one thing you just

he threatened people he didn't he did apparently from what hear, he destroyed people's lives with those lawsuits. He would just come after you and try to destroy you. Meanwhile, they were right. They were right. That's crazy. That's what I mean by not being honest and being unethical. If you want to do steroids because everybody's doing them, I'm not going to. I don't know what it's like to be in the Tour de France if everybody's doping and stuff.

That's one thing. If you're going after people for telling the truth about you and trying to destroy them for years, you're a scumbag. And then eventually admitting it. Oh, well, he's going to be in court the rest of his life, though. Oh, yeah. He's going to die. Yeah, because he's he's got, you know, a lot of the admitted, I guess, after the statute of limitations was over. But he's still. And let me tell you something, man. That dude lives in Texas. OK. And people in Texas, Let me tell you something, man. That dude lives in Texas.

Okay? And people in Texas, they're like real men. And they don't like douchebags that much. And a guy like that. What was that? That's my friend, Will Sasso. That guy living. Oh, okay.

Yeah, you guys have to watch. Go to the Vines. Where can they find Will Sasso's Vines? If you just follow him on Twitter, he has a bunch. Look up the UFO one. That's the best one. Will Sasso also has a series called Farting Benjamin. Go to hamfatter.com. That's his website. I was telling you, you've got to get him.

Will Sasso, I want to say, is on the podcast. To me, he's one of the funniest people on the planet. Is that a real tattoo? Be quiet, Will Colgan. Well, let me tell you something, brother. You've got to wake up in the morning. Is that a real tattoo? Be quiet, Hulk Hogan. Well, let me tell you something, brother. You gotta wake up in the morning.

Get up, dude. Be quiet, Hulk Hogan. Well, let me tell you something, bro. Oh,

that's really funny. Wait, just check this out. Watch this, watch this, watch this. This is my favorite one. It's so stupid.

I love it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I love this. He's fucking... That's him all day. That's Will Sasso all day.

Okay, for the folks listening, listening to this, not viewing it, you're like, okay, that's the last of these fucking stupid podcasts i listen to these stoner retards are ruining my brain it's a visual thing ladies and gentlemen you really have to this is something we called we did called dream crushers okay how did you where the sound effects where the sound effects come from sasso does everything with what he did fucking it's the same thing that he does on 10 Minute Podcast, which is our podcast you guys should listen to.

With his mouth? He's just doing this? No, no. He's got like computer. A machine? Yeah. He's got like sound effect machine? No, that's from the actual movie or whatever they're filming.

Yeah. By the way, he's ridiculously athletic. You see him? He's 330 pounds. Ridiculously athletic. Does Muay Thai. He's like so loud on his feet. Oh, I got a picture of his calves I have to show you if I can find it he's a freak dude all right here's the bill okay here's this

bill burr thing he was talking i didn't think lance owed anybody uh from conan o'brien he didn't do anything to me you know what he did for me he raised 500 million dollars for cancer research that's what that lie did yeah and everybody And everybody had the bands on. Remember the bands? Sure. Right? That blocked out the sun, right? No, it wasn't to block out the sun. No risk cancer? Yeah. The whole thing was annoying, and I hated how

Oprah was interviewing him and acting like she was dumbfounded that this guy would do this. Like, she's been in show business for 35 years and she can't like wrap her head around some guy doing whatever it takes to get to the next level. Didn't she for the first five years have like midgets who wanted to bang their mailman's boyfriend? And she didn't want to do it. She didn't want to do it, but she didn't have the power to say no. So she wrote it out. And then when she could make a good decision, she did a show.

But she stood on the heads of those little people. She's amazing. So how could you? You know exactly what he's doing. It's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. Look, the guy was a sociopath on a bicycle. All right? As far as I'm concerned, we got off easy.

Yeah. If that guy was working for a corporation, he probably would have been pouring stuff in the water supply, doing God knows what. Just keep him on the bike. Just go up and down the hill. He's not hurting anybody not hurting anybody he isn't and the top 20 guys like all tested positive for roid so our roided up guy beat your roided up guy and those guys who run that filthy sport who are sitting there going like,

oh, this is absolutely, this is ridiculous. He doesn't represent cycling. Are they going to return all the money that they made off of that guy? Huh? They're going to turn in their yachts? They're not going to. They're not going to do it. They're not going to.

They're not going to turn in your yachts. That was great. That's a great segment. Man. That's hilarious. And it's so right on the fucking money. If you go to TeamCoco.com, you can see all the clips for Conan. Bill Burr is hilarious.

It's such a good point, too. The whole thing is so ridiculous. The Tour de France in itself, it's just so stupid. God, man. Long, crazy bike ride. It's crazy. By the way, some doctors... By the way, Brian Callen.

Because your name is, by the way, Brian Callen. That's your nickname. I say that a lot, right? by the way some doctors by the way Brian Cohen because your name is by the way Brian Collins that's your nickname I say all right by the way the one of the things that they found is there's doctors that believe that it's healthier to do that race on the drugs than off the drugs they're like it's such a grueling fucking pace right that's really unhealthy for your body it's incredibly devastating to your body and And if you're on drugs, you can recover. So you need to replenish your body, yeah. You can recover better. They literally get so crazy that they'll sleep.

They'll have the tour de front. They'll sleep on the ground because the electrons apparently on the ground from like the actual dirt or whatever it is. Yeah, they help heal you. It helps heal you. Yeah, faster. So they'll sleep with their legs on the ground. I mean, it gets crazy.

Yeah. People do that with like injuries, like they'll lie in grass. And other people will tell them, you fucking idiot. Go to a doctor. Right. Right. Well, that's what I'm feeling. That was always my feeling about acupuncture where they'd be like, if we put a bunch of needles in your face and you lie there for an hour, your headache will go away.

I'll take a fucking pill. How's that sound? I'll take a couple of aspirin. Yeah, I'm not sold or unsold on acupuncture. I've done it a couple times. What'd you think? I don't know. I mean, it didn't... Apparently it helped my back, but I don't think it did. Joey Diaz swears by it.

He does, but look at Joey Diaz. This is... I'm too much brown stuff comes off in my socks. My feeling is that there might be something to it. Those needles. Those Chinese people do voodoo on me and my feet swell. Well, on Bill Moyers, when they hit certain parts of the feet, the area that your brain would light up, right? So Western scientists couldn't figure that out.

When they would put a needle in your foot that corresponded to liver or something, the part of your brain, I guess, that gets stimulated when your liver produces whatever it might be would ignite. That's kind of interesting. How do they know that? It's on a special. You can go to Bill Moyers. What were they doing to – they had like electrons on your brain? How can they know what the fuck is going on? Well, that's the big question.

That was what was so interesting about the special where the scientists had an – oh, I guess an MRI or an imaging. Something like that. Yeah. And when those parts of the brain lit up and they had a neuroscientist who goes, well, that is the part of the brain that controls liver function or whatever. So they really did find it with those crazy needles? Yeah, and that's something that we can't – Western scientists actually can't explain. We can't explain why they have a graph of the feet, for example, that when done properly, you can put a needle in that area and it will cause maybe you to have a diuretic effect.

So you might pee more or you can numb parts of the body with needles hitting different meridian points. different meridian points. That's an interesting – that's kind of an interesting thing where you go – and then you hear these scientists, these acupuncture masters who say, well, when you hit the right meridian point, I know because it feels like I'm holding a fishing line and a fish just tugs it. So it's more of a tug. So when I can put a needle in you, it feels like nothing. You get to a point with your fingers where you know you hit the meridian point because there's a little electric tug.

What are these meridian points? Is this fuckery? Is this fuckery? I don't know. Is this like people believing? Is it a placebo effect sort of a thing which we know is real? Well, if you talk to a skeptic, a Western scientist will say that in fact what acupuncture does is it produces endorphins. But in fact, what acupuncture does is it produces endorphins and endorphins can have a curative effect at least in the short term where you don't feel the pain anymore.

So just by giving you the little needles? Yeah. So you may get a euphoric feeling or a lack of pain because you're producing endorphins. That would be one explanation that I've read. But the other notion is that there may very well be something to stimulate it because the whole idea of acupuncture and Chinese medicine is the notion that you have energy blocks. You have energy masses that when treated properly will release.

So there's a clog, if you will, of energy. But based on what we know about the human body, isn't that horseshit? Again, I don't know enough, but I do know that some cancer research is looking at the idea that we may very well be, I can't remember how they put it into context, but the idea that tissue, irregular cell growth, could very well be the equivalent of a traffic jam. So there is a stop of some kind of flow in that area. So looking at cancer rather as a traffic jam that needs to be unjammed as opposed to cut out. There's something wrong with that flow.

There is a body of Western thought based on empirical evidence that suggests that that is something to look at. That's a theory that they're looking at. If that's the case, that is somewhat in line with the idea that there is a blockage of energy and acupuncture helps release that energy but it's essentially it's just needles that go into skin right they don't really penetrate to nerves do they nerve endings on the skin again i don't know enough about it i've only had it done what could it possibly be doing the idea is rather than yes it does electricity? Yes. Like basic little teeny micro little jolts of charges.

Well, here's what they'll say. Magic. Here's the idea. When a child – Static electricity. But you know what they say is – Is that what it's supposed to be doing? I think so.

I think because it's a big metal pool, it collects kind of like a small, very micro charge in each one of them. Yeah. I've never heard that. That makes more sense that the needles would be – But that is true anyway. That's Western. We do have electric current in our body. That makes more sense that the needles would be – But that is true anyway. That's Western. We do have electric current in our body. That's true.

And so the idea is – what a Chinese doctor will tell you is take a child. A child is very flexible. A child – like a baby smells sweet, has perfect digestion, is very flexible, moves around. The idea there is that as you get older and you drink caffeine and stress and life and everything, those currents get thrown off, get whack. They're not as pure. And so the idea is information isn't flowing as smoothly as it does when you're younger. And acupuncture helps to change that. If you actually look at what a lot of Western science is also talking about is that the body is a conduit for information. You, cancer, the forefront of cancer research is actually about getting, for whatever reason, when you're in the womb, you produce different cells, right? You

produce cancer cells, I mean, colon cells and heart cells and things like that. When you get older, some people, for whatever reason, that mechanism to produce cells again clicks back on. Okay. So all of a sudden you're 40 and your body says, well, let's produce colon cells. Well, you needed it when you were in the womb because you had to build a colon. Now you're 40 and the body, for whatever reason, goes, let's make more colon cells. And all of a sudden you've got colon cancer. The idea of some cancer research now is how can we scramble that message if the body is telling itself to produce cells it doesn't need in the colon or in you know the pancreas or whatever is there medicine there's got to be a way we can get that we can scramble that code and get it to shut off so the body stops sending the signal to make irregular cells.

So irregular cell growth can be shut off by scrambling that message before it hits – when it comes from the brain before it hits that actual cell. That's really interesting. That is interesting. So this is a way of regulating the body's electrical charge? Is that the idea behind acupuncture? Currents. Currents. Yes.

So the flow of electricity in your body. body's electrical charge? Is that the idea behind acupuncture? Currents. Currents. Yes. So the flow of electricity in your body. I never heard that, Brian, that idea of mild static electricity that you're getting it out of the air. One of these guys online was saying that he did it, rubbed his hands and fingertips on synthetic material. He said it was the most powerful, generated static charge in them. Then stimulated some points. I don't know. I don't know enough about it.

I think there's a lot of different kinds of it. I think some focus on the actual charge and some actually focus on nerves. The Bill Moyer special is really good because he actually goes to China and goes and talks to these real Chinese doctors that can perform surgery on you, open surgery on you, not using anesthetics,

but actually using just acupuncture to numb that area. What? Really? Oh, my God. How goofy are those people? Go to a hospital, you fuck. What are you, crazy? That guy's cutting you open and poking you with little fucking TV antennas. Get out of there. Run. Can you imagine that, though?

What kind of nonsense is that? I don't know. I remember seeing this on Bill Moore. It was pretty wild. I mean, they were like trying to explain that. My favorite acupuncture scene of all time is when Steven Seagal was in a coma for like seven years. The best.

He was a cop. And then he comes out and gives himself a little acupuncture because, of course, he's an expert in the Asian medicine. Do you ever have any interaction with Mr. Seagal? Yes, I've seen him in several UFCs. Do you guys talk at all? I say hello to him. I say congratulations to him after one of Anderson Silva's victories.

Look, he's a crazy person, but he's a legit martial artist, at least as an Aikido practitioner. He's really well-respected. That's no doubt about it. He's a character. He's making money, making a living. But he knows a lot about martial arts, especially about Aikido. I think a guy like Anderson Silva, one of the things that makes him special is that he's really willing to incorporate all sorts of different things to his game

that are very unique and unusual. And a guy like Seagal... Has something to say. Yeah, I mean, he's a lifelong martial artist, and he might have a technique or two or more that Anderson had never heard before that a guy like Anderson, who's such a good martial artist, could incorporate into his game.

Like, look, no one was front-kicking to the face until Anderson Silva did that. The bottom-line reality is no one was front-kicking to the face until Anderson Silva did that. That is – the bottom line reality is no one was front kicking to the face until Anderson Silva started doing that. Tiago Alva said that Anderson Silva is like such a martial arts nerd. Like he just – there's one fight where he used his elbow and he hit the guy with his elbow. Tony Fricklin, Cage Rage. He had been practicing that over and over again. Yeah, I told you the story about how his coach – like you talked to Ed Soares about it.

It was his manager. His coach was telling him to stop doing it because you're never going to do it. So he had to practice it at home with his wife. Right, right. Is that you told me? Yeah, I told you that story. Yeah, Tiago was telling me something about that too. Yeah, I think it's pretty legendary because it's such a crazy situation the way Anderson did it.

I've never seen anybody do it like that before. He's a good example of a guy. He stepped in sideways and uppercut elbowed this dude, Tony Fricklin, who's a real good fighter, and just blasted him out with that one shot. What's also interesting about a lot of these guys is I noticed that Anderson, when I was looking at some of his old fights, first of all, he's made such improvement. But he was about 160 when he came into the UFC. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He was sucking down tofc when he was probably no no no no no no no no no no no no no he the ufc's always fought at 185 not you know ufc i mean pride yeah when he was fighting back then i think he was in 162 or something like that probably the lowest he ever

fought was in the mid 60s probably which is just you know smaller when he fought Takahashi. He was smaller back then. He walks around, what, at 205, you think? Now? I mean, when you say walks around, like I bet if he's fighting at light heavyweight, I bet he gets to around there even lighter. Or rather, middleweight, he would get down to there even lighter before he started his weight cut. But I think when he's fighting at light heavyweight, I bet he's quite a bit heavier than that really yeah i bet he's in you know 220s or something oh he's a big guy yeah how tall is he's probably like i'd say when when he fought when he fought

uh stephan bonner he fought at 205 and i believe he was like 203 204 so it was like pretty close and he's fought 205 now three times and you know he carries the weight really well yeah he's not he doesn't look fat at all he looks great what about bonner how much does bonner walk around he's much bigger yeah much bigger than but so when you say walk around that it's like i don't think anderson gets heavy in between fights so i don't think he ever gets bigger than like 205 ish you know i mean i i I'd say like if he was trying to fight at 205, maybe he might let himself go up to like 220, do a lot of powerlifting and shit. Sure. Get just a little size on him.

I don't know. He's such a master. Yeah. Like only he would know how to correctly approach his body. And that's one of the things about him. He's so good at preparing his body. You know what he recently said? He said he can make 170 easy.

No. Yes. Really? Yeah, he said he can make 170. Oh, God. I believe him. If he said he can make 170, I believe he wouldn't even say that unless he's gotten pretty close. Is he going to fight GSP?

He wants to fight GSP at 170, I think. So the fight is going to be him, GSP, or is it going to be him, Jon Jones? Well, him and Jon Jones was one proposed fight, but him and GSP at 170 would be fucking insane. And it would cement Anderson Silva as, without a doubt, the baddest motherfucker ever. If he could actually, first of all, even get to 170, which is like, how is he going to do that? I don't know how he's going to do that. I mean, obviously he gets to 185 fairly easy. He doesn't look drawn out when he weighs in. He looks great.

Yeah. It's another 15 pounds of water weight, right? That's a lot. That's a lot of weight. That is a lot. Think about what 15 pounds of water feels like. Yeah, it's a nightmare. What is it, two-gallon jugs?

How much is a gallon? How much weight does a gallon have? Jamie, any ideas of water? Well, we can figure it out. How much is a gallon? How much weight does a gallon have? Jamie, any ideas? Of water. Well, we can figure it out. Eight ounces is... Think about... What's one gallon of water weigh? How much does one gallon of water weigh?

Four pounds. I'm on it. No, no, it's... Siri. Two pounds. Okay, Brian, here you go. Two pounds. Three pounds.

How much? It is... Eight ounces. 3,790 grams. 8.35 pounds. 8. Okay. 8 and a third pounds.

Essentially, we're talking about two gallons of water. Two big jugs of body fluid. That's a lot. That's a lot. That is a lot. That's a shitload. That's scary. That's like you dying i used to

i remember sucking weight and i used to just literally have dreams of being in the desert it's the worst it is the worst it's a terrible experience oh yeah i did it and fought in taekwondo tournaments or fought the same day cut because they didn't have like weight same same with wrestling back then we used to wrestle and we'd wait in the morning and you had all you know you'd have to you'd have to rehydrate. I remember just drinking water. Yeah, it was really dangerous too. They didn't know it back then.

For head injuries, it's super dangerous. You take like saunas and kids would die and shit. Yeah, kids die every year in wrestling trying to make weight. It's so crazy and it fucks up their growth. A kid I went to high school with, he had his brothers, all of them, 6'1", 6'2", 6'3". He's like 5'6", 5'5", 5'6". Because he cut weight his whole high school with he had his brothers all of them six one six two six three he's like five six five five five six it's not because he cut weight this whole high school career it was just constantly yeah and he shrunk i mean he the dude was like always sickly it was like he was

poisoned his whole high school career he had no motivation for school he had no motivation for classes i would run into him he'd be all slack-jawed. I've got to make weight. It was fucking brutal. It's ridiculous. It's a travesty. It really is. The kids should be competing at their natural weight. Well, they try to do certain things like that. You can't encourage them.

I know in high school I believe you can't use any kind of sauna. You're not allowed to use any of that stuff in high school. Yeah, but even even that even just not drinking water for 24 hours and trying to dry yourself out and what are you doing i took my girlfriend's dehydration pills or you know when you're bloated you have your period i'm the all new england's everybody's like yeah it's part of the sport it shouldn't be it really shouldn't be because what wrestling really should be all about is finding out what is your real weight what's your what's your weight when you're in shape?

What do you weigh? You weigh 150? Then there's a 150. And we'll make it between 150 and 154 or 154 to 147 or whatever the fuck it is. The thing is though is technology. As we learn more about the human body and we're able to measure these things like football. Look at football. We're starting to realize that those head cracks are actually really causing major long-term damage,

pugilistic dementia and stuff like that. So now you're watching your favorite player and you're like, is that guy going to be eating out of a straw when he's 60? I don't really like it anymore. And by the way, ethically – By the way, Brian Callen. Oh, yeah. Damn.

By the way, ethically, if you know that your player has a concussion but the game is riding on it, it puts a lot of pressure on everybody. The player wants to play. Everybody wants to play. But if we can actually prove scientifically that's bad for you, now you're dealing – I guess the answer is better equipment, right? With two different issues because you're talking about growing adults. You're also talking about professional athletes who make a choice and they make a substantial amount of money for this risk that they're about to take. Whereas a high school kid is literally fucking up his high school future. He's fucking up the way his whole life is going to be.

His first steps of his life literally can be fucked up because he's cutting weight all the time. I mean during that wrestling season, I'm telling, this kid had no fucking energy to do anything. His jaw was always slack. And when he wasn't wrestling, like he would get a little fat in between. He was always worried about his weight. So he never really like ate crazy, like even in the off season because he knew he was going to have to cut weight next season. But when he would walk around, then he'd be like normal. Like a fucking normal dude.

Like, hey, he's back. Regular Steve's back. But then fucking wrestling season, just slack jaw. And the winners, by the way. Where was this, in Boston? Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, Newton. So cold.

Oh, that's where I went to high school, up in Massachusetts. It gets very cold. But it's beautiful. And the good people up there. They're real humans. A lot of real humans up there. Yes, they are. There's very few people trying to pump you a script and tell you to listen to their CD.

Just living their lives, man. Just living their lives. Good or bad for good or bad. As long as they can keep it together. It's kind of one of the things I really love about doing the road and just going different parts of the world, country, I mean. I just appreciate it. Oh, yeah, definitely. I think it's important.

I just appreciate it. Oh, yeah, definitely. I think it's important. You've got to get a broad spectrum, a broad feeling of all these different communities and different ways people rock it. And there's a difference. Correct me if I'm wrong. Like Long Island where I'm about to go or New York or Philly. When you go down to these places, the East Coast, there is an aggressive gene.

It's much more aggressive than macho than, say say the West Coast or like Seattle, San Francisco, even Canada. You go down to like Long Island. I haven't been to Levantine yet. But I mean – but like New York, Philly, Trenton, New Jersey. It's an aggressive group. It's – Twice as likely to punch in the face. That's right. Yeah.

They're twice as likely. That's exactly right. 50 percent more face punches in Jersey. You can get in a fight. You can get in a fight easily in the face that's right yeah they're twice as likely that's exactly right 50 more face punches in jersey you can get in a fight you can get in a fight easily in places like that long island you're walking with the wrong shirt like dove david obviously his mother would send him to school with like pita bread and he's like you know mom in new york in union new jersey if i'm going to school with with pita bread i'm playing they they beat the shit out of me because i'm a communist they're like what's with your healthy bread, you commie? Where's your wonder bread?

You got tabbouleh? Yeah. You got tabbouleh in your lunchbox, you fucking punk. I remember working at a bank in New York and I would order like, I'd come home with a big salad and my Irish friends from like the Bronx and Brooklyn would be like, the fuck is this guy doing eating a bowl of twigs? What are you, a fucking rabbit? Isn't that funny how much we judge people based on what they eat?

We totally do. Food's emotional, dude. Totally do. What are you having? do what are you having you having the fish the fuck are you doing you're a steakhouse you want i'll have the salmon please you're having what you're not in my hunting group anymore you're having the fish at a fucking steak restaurant well the minute i hear somebody's a vegan you talk about it you stand it was great but it's i have a tough time not having sudden judgment i'm always like oh yeah this guy's i see what they're trying to do i see it i get it and it's it's a future concept it's going to work really great when you're symbiotically attached to robots getting all your energy from the sun and you don't need food but you know what you're not going to get blow jobs then either it's just going to be a chip that you stick in the back of your brain and

all of a sudden you're getting blown you know's great. The reality of pursuing an actual real honest-to-goodness blowjob, that's going to be lost forever. And don't think that that's not going to weigh on you because it is. You're going to know that you're going to just pop a chip in your head off to Barbados, get your dick sucked on the beach. You're going to know it's not real. You're going to go insane. You're going to lose your mind. You're going to drift in and out of those dreams, never knowing which one's real and which one isn't. You're going to lose your mind You're going to drift in and out of those dreams

Never knowing which one's real and which one isn't Sticking random dick sucking chips in the back of your brain Popping off for five minute vacations One at a time It's just going to be virtual sex It is and it's not going to be fun Everybody's fucking it up The beautiful time is now

This is the roaring 20s Of the technological age This is the beautiful time Because we still are attached to our biology. Yes, we're still attached to our biology, but we have Google. We're rocking it with navigation systems on your car, Bluetooth headsets, flying in planes, yet people still have blowjobs.

You still have whiskey. You still have good music. You still have smells. You still have to work for something. You can still get a steak. Look at that fucking picture. There's a photo that Brian just put up. This is from Jeff Richards.

Jeff Scott. Jeff Scott, sorry. Jeff Scott's Facebook page. And it is Sam Kinison, Ted Nugent, and Robin Williams in the back of the comedy store. And that just shows you what kind of fucking history the Comedy Store has because first of all this is Kinison before he even made it because if you look at the way he dressed Kinison essentially after a while I started to wear like an outfit he wore a beret he wore the overcoat and this he's got like a golf shirt on you know it's Miami Vice you can tell

that is it yeah that's a sports jacket over the white t-shirt look. Oh, no, Ted Nugent has that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm saying Kinison. Remember, Kinison used to have, like, he had, like, an outfit. He'd wear a t-shirt. Trench coat. A trench coat and, like, a beret, right? Well, he's out of costume.

That's, like, a rare photo of Kinison just being Kinison, just hanging out. He's a thick guy. Oh, he's an animal. Yeah. His book is fantastic brother yeah brother sam really his brother wrote it about him about what he was like what was he like he was a regular kid until he got hit by a car oh he did got hit by a car hurt real bad fucked his brain up and then from then on reckless really wild crazy motherfucker wow like that that accident created sam kinnison really look eric

clapton sam kinnison phil collins at the look at their high pants high pleated pants now that's kinnison when he became famous yeah look he's actually wearing a dice jacket there look at that but he had the beret he had the beret and he had the crazy hair and that's like a very dice oh he got enormous yeah everybody knows that i'm a fucking huge huge huge kinnison fan i've always been a gigantic kinnison fan why do you like him so much i just loved when he came out when he came out i just thought he was the most irreverent the most like like he was just the way he was talking about certain subjects i mean you got to realize this is we're talking about the 80s right you know the way he was talking about certain subjects. I mean you got to realize this is – we're talking about the 80s. Right.

The way he was doing all those bits on religion. I had never heard anybody attack religion like that, the way he was doing it. And do it in a way where he was like – he was a qualified spokesperson. He was a former reverend. Right. I was going to say. He was a minister. Yeah.

Yeah. spokesperson he was a former reverend right i was gonna say you know he's a minister yeah and he was just his take on shit was so off the deep and crazy it was like i never thought that kind of comedy was possible i had to see it i i always assumed the stand-up comedy had a very similar form like you see it like like like monology comedy like monology guys just standing in front of the microphone and talk like that and then i saw like richard pryor and i go oh there's some physicality to richard's approach and he's a lot more honest than the monologist and and then i saw like jerry seinfeld oh what he does is like he's just got this really clever way of looking at things that he draws you into it And then all of a sudden there's a fat guy with a trench coat and a beret doing a bit about homosexual necrophiliacs who would spend money to spend a few hours with the freshest male corpses.

So he does this fucking bit, man. And it was so funny that I was working at an athletic club and the chick that was working behind the counter, she redid the bit for me in the parking lot. That's how I found out about it. She told me you got to see this guy Sam Kinison. She's on the fucking parking lot in the – right in front of the Boston Athletic Club in South Boston. And she's on her stomach going, you mean life keeps fucking in the ass even after you're dead? It never ends. It never ends. It never ends.

Oh, oh. Her impression of him, of Kinison, was making me laugh and my eyes were wide open. I'm like, that's brilliant. And then I saw it. I got a hold of that HBO special. I believe I got it in VHS. I didn't actually see it when it was on HBO. I got a copy of the tape.

We're ancient. And when I watched it, I remember going, whoa. Like I didn't even know that that – Did that one got you into stand-up? Yes. Yes. It changed my view of comedy. It changed my view of comedy because then I was like, that's possible too.

Well, no, because you had a way in. You're a little bit like that, right? So you had a way in. I was too – I was like, what were you talking about before about you? I felt too crazy for everybody around me. Yeah. And when my friends were telling me that I was funny, I was like, listen, you like me you you're i was i felt too crazy for everybody around me yeah and when i'm when my friends were telling me that i was funny i was like listen you like me so you're

laughing and i understand that but i'm i think i talk about crazy shit i'm an asshole like the things that i think are funny a lot of people are going to be offended by right but until i saw kinnison i was like oh that's possible too like i didn't even know that that was an option. Well, because it represents a true side of life that we don't talk about. Yes, exactly. I ever told you about my acting teacher who came – You talk about with your friends and quiet. You get together. And you go, so what happened?

So I got one knuckle in her asshole, right? I can't believe this crazy bitch. She's going to hit me. I'm like, I don't want to hit you. If you don't fucking hit me, I'm not going to suck your dick. Boom, I hit her. And you and your friends are dying laughing could you tell that story on stage no of course you couldn't tell that story on stage no way you never hit a girl before never hit a girl before but i hit the fuck out of this one she was asking me to man i didn't know what to do and you're looking at your friend go i don't even know how to judge you here right

i mean those kind of stories you can't talk about on stage. We would always have those. Yeah. It's like what you said about me is how I feel about you is that you're an incredibly honest dude and we're very honest with each other. We've told each other some crazy stories that we both have done. So in knowing like what a person's – knowing that there's other people out there, you go, okay, I'm not crazy. No. I'm just navigating this insane landscape.

Right. And I'm going to fuck up along the way and there's going to be a lot of places where I shouldn't have gone and people I shouldn't have hung out with and some danger I shouldn't have stepped into. But that's all a part of the whole situation. By the way, you might have made an even bigger mistake. I've not done it. God, man. Exactly. You're a werewolf, by the way.

It's amazing. It's insane. It scared me when I came in. Yeah, it scared me too. Pat McGee. There's a guy named Pat McGee from McGeeFX.com. And he's a special effects guy and a very, very cool dude. And I hired him to make an American Werewolf in London replica for the studio.

And it's huge. And it is fucking terrifying. It's really fucking scary. It's amazing. You can see the pictures. They're on my Twitter, at Joe Rogan, or on my Instagram, which is Joe Rogan Experience. Is that what it is? Yeah, Joe Rogan Experience. It's not the Joe Rogan or on my Instagram, which is Joe Rogan Experience. Is that what it is? Yeah, Joe Rogan Experience.

It's not the Joe Rogan Experience. No, just Joe Rogan Experience. Yeah, just one word, Joe Rogan Experience on Twitter. You can see the photos of the first ones with Brian. So you get a chance to see the perspective of this thing. It's really big and terrifying. We were going – Joe and I had a very serious conversation about whether a bear would eat it. A bear would eat it.

And by the way, it's the size of a big lion. I think it's going to kill a lion. It looks very athletic, dude. Yeah, it looks very athletic. It probably has the mind of a human so it'd be even more dangerous. And it's supernatural. It's supernatural. I don't think you can even kill it. So what the fuck is a lion going to do if only a silver bullet

kills it? It's just going to rip a lion apart. It's going to fuck a lion up. But a tiger will mount it and fuck it and make little tiger werewolf babies. Probably. That's what a tiger would do. Maybe it's a tracking tiger. Tigers are so big, they would fuck that werewolf up, man. Yeah, tigers are no joke.

Yeah, tigers are much larger. And bears would probably fuck up tigers. I just want to put this thing on Runyon. Big grizzly? Oh, yeah. I think we just put this thing out on Runyon Canyon. So all these little girls are like walking up. Let's hike.

And then just put this thing in the grass looking around the corner or something like that. Well, did you hear about that? God damn. Did you hear about that dude in Montana that dressed up like Bigfoot? Oh, no. He tried to stand by the side of the road. He got shot. He got killed in a car.

He got hit by one girl. One teenage girl going this way. She hit him. And then when he laid in the road, another teenage girl going this way she hit him and then when he laid in the road another teenage girl on the other way ran him over and killed him do you see what this breaking news that happened right when we started a corpse was found in an la hotel's water tank people have been drinking water and eating out of this water they found a a body in there that's been in there for two weeks this is that that girl. Yeah. This is that girl.

They had been looking for her. Where is she from? Is she from Taiwan? Touristing at a Los Angeles hotel. Where did I say? Toronto? That's murder. Yeah, Canadians.

Yeah, I knew those. Suspicious death. 21-year-old. Oh, fuck, man. Poor girl. What a trash. They won't say what the hotel is, but it's freaking me out. So it was a water tank for the hotel or a water tank for the city?

The city water tank? No, it was like the hotel's water tank. So that means like you're drinking hot. You'd be drinking green tea with everything pretty much. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Decomposing for two weeks. Dude, I can't believe you said green tea.

You're a sick fucker. Dude, this lady, man. This poor lady. That poor girl. I saw that when they were – I retweeted it. Somebody had tweeted that this lady was missing. But whenever a woman is missing, it's always like, oh, shit. A child or a woman makes me so – it's like the worst thing in the world.

There's one out there. Because there are people who can't – their families can't live until they find out what happened to that child. Yeah, and also now we know there's one out there. There's a guy out there that killed a woman. So we have to figure out who the fuck that guy is. What was the story before this? So you already had heard of this girl? Like she was missing? She just one day disappeared?

I don't know. I just got a tweet and the tweet said that... How'd the guy get her into a water tank in a hotel? That was really crazy shit. I don't know. Has it worked at the hotel or had something to do with the maintenance at the hotel oh look at brian he's colombo in this motherfucker yeah you're right but totally or just understood where it was so fucked up i you know um when i when you were talking about uh to change the subject a little bit when you were talking about

being honest and crazy i had a great acting teacher i think i can say his name because he actually talks about it and he's a really good teacher. He was a medic in Vietnam for two tours. He's seen everything, you know, and he was like one of the first people that somebody said to him in class, you know, we used to take class from seven to 12. I'll say, cause I love him. His name is Richard Lawson. He's a really special guy and he's got a great acting class. And he said, uh, somebody said, I never seen you yawn. And he goes, yeah, because I don't put my attention on myself. I put my attention out there. I'm not thinking about being tired. I don't focus on the fatigue.

And they were like, what do you mean? He goes, I learned in Vietnam watching when a Viet Cong, when an American would get shot a lot of times, they'd go into shock. When you get shot, you go, oh, my God, I got shot. And a lot of the time what causes you to go into shock is also the notion that you get shot and your heart starts beating really fast because you're terrified because you might die. I mean you go into that notion. The Viet Cong, they get shot in these horrific injuries and you could still interrogate them because they'd be putting their attention out there. They would immediately start focusing and their whole way of thinking anyway was they were a leaf on a tree.

They weren't the tree. So for whatever reason, they wouldn't go into shock as quickly. They would immediately put their attention on something in front of them. So they weren't focusing't the tree. So for whatever reason, they wouldn't go into shock as quickly. They would immediately put their attention on, you know, something in front of them. So they weren't focusing on the wound. And he said he used to see that when he was a medic taking care of people. He saw such a fundamental striking difference in the mindset between the Viet Cong and an American GI. And he was so impressed with their ability to focus on anything but themselves. They were not part of this equation. They were a very small part of the equation that he used it in his own life.

He would use this idea if he was tired or feeling sick that he would just literally put his mind over there, off himself, take himself out of the – and actually watch himself move through what he had to get done. I bet you probably get a lot more energy out of just doing that than opposed to like festering on the idea that you're tired. Of course. Which is, I always found that the things that I detest the most in other people are the things I'm terrified of seeing in myself and a person who doesn't know how to like push through shit and get things done and just come on, come on, get up, just do it, get it done, get it done.

Because I'm terrified of being that guy. I'm terrified of not getting shit done. Yeah. And you know, and it forces me to find it to be gross in other people. Right. It's like one of the things that scares me about them taking wrestling out of the Olympics. Oh, that's the worst. Yeah, it's crazy.

The oldest sport in the Olympics. And the fact that it's not even in every high school. I think there's some real lessons to be learned that a lot of people are never going to learn. And those lessons are how to get through difficult shit, how to get through physical difficult shit. And doing things physical, which a lot of people are avoiding, you get a more balanced mastery of your own mind. And that's a fucking important aspect of being a human being. And a lot of people are skipping that step And a lot of people are skipping that step. A lot of people are skipping that step.

I agree. It can fuck you in the long run, man. It can give you the extra push towards saying something stupid. It can give you the extra bad energy to take a left turn. Well, look, to get good at anything, let's take wrestling or jiu-jitsu as an example. If you want to get good, you better work at what you're're bad at you better work at the things you're bad at you can't go in there and tap people out with the stuff that you constantly know because the guys that are working on the stuff they're not good at are going to surpass you you just learn that the

hard way if you're not careful and i think everything is that way you know you better you better work at what you are and you gain a lot of it a lot of times i'll tell you you know hey you're bad at music, bad at a musical instrument. Learn how to do something. What I like about playing the drums, I've got to learn how to do four different things with each limb. It's really difficult to do.

I gain a lot from just the practice and the stretch of trying to learn how to have all four limbs doing something independent. That's really interesting. It actually changes my whole mindset. I actually approach things very differently for the rest of my day it's really weird i can't explain how or define how but it does make a difference well i think when you take on new activities your mind when it starts concentrating on some new thing whether it's playing drums or a new game you're trying to master or whatever the fuck it is when your mind gets really enthusiastic about things and starts trying to figure things out and working towards and achieving little goals, you get invigorated.

It's this feeling of invigoration whenever you pursue anything that you find to be fun, anything that you find to be stimulating. But the real thing is everybody's idea of what's stimulating is different. Right. It just is. Thank God. And the real problem is like that poor kid whose fucking dad keeps

pushing him into football and he really wants to suck cock and dance. He'd probably be the best dancing cocksucker of all time. It's like the movie Billy Elliot. Remember Billy Elliot? It's like, ballet! You do ballet! Listen, I didn't see the movie Billy Elliot. I'm a man.

I'm an actual man. That's why they need Baby Grinder though. Kids for Kid Grinder. I don't even know movie Billy Elliot. Oh, it's a great movie. I'm a man. He sees that. I'm an actual man. That's why they need Baby Grinder, though. That's a great movie. Or you got kids for Kid Grinder. No, he comes from a coal mining family. I don't even know what Billy Elliot is. Oh, he comes from a coal mining family, and the guy's like this hard-ass coal miner in the north of England, like Manchester.

Who's in this movie? But just an English movie from Manchester, and the kid wants to be a ballet dancer. Is this an independent movie? No, it's really popular, but he wants to be a ballet dancer. He's an amazing ballet dancer. He's an incredible dancer. His father's like, ballet, ballet. Like But he wants to be a ballet dancer. He's an amazing ballet dancer. He's an incredible dancer. His father is like, ballet, ballet. Like he can't believe it.

He's so angry. He's like, ballet. My son is going to do ballet. Not a night. And it's just a disaster for him. But that's what he is. He's a fucking ballet dancer. That's a great movie.

You got to find out what your groove is. What's your groove? Is it playing the drums? It goes back to the truth. What's your groove? Is it playing the drums? It goes back to the truth. What is your truth? If you try to avoid it, you're going to get yourself in some – you're going to be on antidepressants. You're going to have to mask that truth. Just do what you're supposed to do.

It is amazing that there's no one that's ever come out with a really effective guidebook on how to live life in a successful direction like no one can ever tell you how to be successful yeah i mean what is successful to you is not successful someone else etc etc but to teach you how to manage the whole big package it's like the the the whole idea of managing the thoughts in your mind is just missing from school this i have to just i'm laughing because when when people are self-conscious like in my class this guy richard lawson is acting teacher somebody was like whenever like this guy this guy was like embarrassed that he'd done something it's like i'm fine i'm just embarrassed by it and my teacher goes like this he goes hey i fucked a pig fucked a pig. And everybody went, what?

And he goes, yeah, I fucked a pig. I'm writing about it right now. You don't think that's embarrassing? I'll tell you everything about myself. I fucked a pig when I was a kid. How about that? And everybody just stopped. And they were like, well, you know what?

If you're going to admit that, I can admit fucking anything. And it just liberates you when like somebody who's a leader in a group goes, hey, guys, guys, guys. In case you guys – can everybody stop acting like a fucking Puritan? Because we're all pretty fucked up and I'm the most fucked up bang. So I don't know if there was a point to that, which is kind of piggybacking on what you're trying to say, which is essentially just whatever your fucking truth is, just be honest with yourself and maybe with a couple of your friends and then just fucking follow that. I'm not saying fucking pig. That's not a career. The problem is that takes a long time to find.

You need support, though. Have you ever tried to like things that other kids liked to give it a shot? You're like, all right, I'm going to try to read in DC comic books. I would start reading that. Dude, I collected trains for like 10 minutes. I was like, I'm going to have a train set. I guess trains are cool. I tried reading DC.

I read a couple of Batmans, a couple of Supermans. I'm like, who is writing this lame bullshit? No shit, dude. I was so hardcore Marvel. I did the exact same thing. I think I bought the exact same, like a Batman comic. I just didn't get it. I always felt like dudes who are into DC, they live with their mom.

They're ready to shoot themselves. Well, I like Conan, the werewolf, and the Hulk. They were ready to shoot themselves. I like Conan, the werewolf, and the Hulk. Those are the ones I like. The werewolf? What one was that? I don't know. Is that a Marvel? Was that a Marvel one?

Marvel did have some werewolf comic book now that I think about it. What was it? I think it was called just Werewolf. Is that something about DC and Marvel? I don't know the difference but i never i guess i never listened to i never read dc stuff i like the i like the the hulk and conan yeah well actually i like the i read the batman series the original one the dark knight series it's pretty good the hulk depending on who was the one yeah there's a comic book called Werewolf. Yeah. Marvel Werewolf by Night. Yes, that's it. Yeah.

Man, I remember that. You're really bringing me back. Holy shit. Yeah. I can't believe that I completely forgot about this. I've read some of these. Yep. I had to give up my entire comic book collection when I was poor.

When I was trying to become a stand-up comedian, I had this fat comic book collection. I had to for food. Wow. Yeah. There were some weeks where I squeaked by. Yeah. And I had to get rid of some shit.

And I had some decent comic books. I had comic books that I collected from the 70s. I started collecting them when I was like seven or eight years old i lived in san francisco i would uh go to these uh they had comic book stores i didn't know you lived in san francisco yeah from age seven to eleven i lived in san francisco the first uh why my parents um met in new jersey and my dad was kind of a psycho. Yeah. He used to be a cop. Crazy. Yeah. My parents had split up, so my mother met my stepfather.

And I think they're like, let's get the fuck out of here. And so where's the furthest place you can go? San Francisco. So from age seven. From the cop. Yeah. From age seven to 11, I lived in San Francisco. So we lived there, and San Francisco was a trip.

That was the first place where I had ever done any sort of performing. I did a little magic show on Fisherman's Wharf when I was like eight years old. No way. Yeah, I got a magic kit for Christmas. So I'm like, I'll make some money. So I'd seen all these people do these things to make money. They would have like street performers. So I just decided to be a street performer.

I was like eight. Because I'll show you how much my parents were watching me. That's great. Yeah. Real safe. Real safe. Yeah. Real dangerous.

But I'd take that money and then I would buy comic books. And there was a bunch of, like, comic book stores back then were incredible. They had, there was a whole series of comic books called Creepy and Eerie. Mm-hmm. And they were all these, like, really well-drawn black and white like dark dark comic books about really fucked up shit werewolves and vampires and that kind of shit and i just would collect those and i had so many it's a really weird like subculture i remember like and i think i was with you like if i ever walked into when i was doing mad tv i you know the first two years nobody

will you know i'd never get recognized If I walked into any comic book store anywhere in the country, I would get recognized. Like, that's who was watching Mad TV. Guys who owned comic book stores and guys who hung out in comic book stores. That's funny. Maybe because it was Mad Magazine, you know? Imagine if it was like, you could break it down like that. Like, how many

people in comic book stores are listening? What percentage of comic book store people are into it? What is the real demographic? They would like to do that, right? I was just imagining you, Joe, like your dad tucking you in at night as a kid. And he's just like, monsters exist. I'm going to get you. Nothing's real.

Fuck the moon. Good night. Every night before you go to bed. Yeah. Teaching you. Teaching you the real world. Why are you talking about? I was just thinking.

I was just thinking of your dad tucking you in. No. That's not a really accurate assessment. Dad didn't tuck him in. It wasn't really a lot of tucking in. Throwing in? What the fuck are you talking about? Did you actually write that down?

Well, because I wanted to remember it. Comic books still exist, though. Have you been to one lately? In Nerdist Studios? Yeah. No, what I meant was there I mean, there was nothing else. There was no internet back then. If you've got comic books, this is how you got them.

They had comic book buyer's guides and shit. You'd find out which ones you'd try to get a hold of. And they had old comic books they would sell at these places. They had some of them behind glass, really special editions and shit. I'm surprised they never had a comic book. Maybe they did a comic. I was thinking about a superhero that was just really good at getting you to fall in love with them. Like they were so – like I said Aphrodite or something.

But just like if you're in love with somebody, you're never going to want to kill them. You're completely putty in their hands. I think that was Bruce Banner. Yeah. Hey, now. I had to sell mine to give to a girl that later I found out in life she was using for heroin and not an abortion, which I thought it was for. So you thought it was for an abortion. She thought it was heroin.

Yeah. No, she was buying heroin. I thought she needed money for it. So I sold my comic book collection. And then about two years ago, she did one of those 12-step things where she had to come get or get uh come up to people and you know get their uh what is it like apologize to them pretty much and and so she had to say that to me like look i was a drug addict i you know there wasn't an abortion but you know wow yeah i think i've talked about it before on here yeah that's right you did now i'm thinking about it i'm remembering it

that's crazy man yeah that had to be a weird feeling that had to be a weird feeling yeah i dated a girl was a coke addict then i didn't know it but i only dated her a couple times it wasn't like a long thing then i found out afterwards she was just on coke constantly fun i mean really annoying this is when i was in my 20s i didn't my my sense of screwy people was not nearly as good as it is now. It takes your time. Well, you have to learn how to trust yourself. That's true. That's actually true because a lot of times you ignore your first impulse.

You're like, no, no, no. It can't be. I actually – I think I used to give people the benefit of the doubt too much. And as you get older, you get a little bit more cynical in a good way. You're a great guy and that is your main issue is you would give people the benefit of the doubt too much. You would want them to be something different than they are. You would like create them. And then when someone would go, no, that's not what they are. They're this.

Yeah. Like, no, no, no, no. Right. You and I have had some funny moments because of that over the years. I would have saved a lot of time and money, a lot of time and money if I just listened to some of your observations about people. Yeah, but then you wouldn't be you. Well, yeah. Nothing was too bad.

I never made any huge mistakes. No, it wasn't that bad. I look back and I go, you know. You were fine, but I was right. Yeah, you were right. You just didn't – it was just shocking to me that you didn't see. I would say like, okay, you don't see who this guy is? What are you hanging around with?

You see this guy is a – this is a wreck. This guy is going to pull you into some crazy situation where someone is going to jail or someone's house is going to catch on fire. What are you doing? Right. And you'd be like, he's a good guy. Like the fuck he's a good guy. What are you, crazy? You just had a blinder on and i think it was

probably not to get too deep or crazy but i think it was probably because you had a little bit of a blinder on as to your own self then you didn't see yourself as honestly i think as you see yourself now yeah now i couldn't imagine you hanging around with an idiot not on a time you wouldn't it wouldn't exist not inspiring yeah and all the the shit that you had to deal with. There was also a thing of when you first came to – like when you were on television, on MADtv and things, I think you were trying to like manage like having a show business career. Like wow, like this is – how do I do this? I actually remember trying to mimic other people. I'd watch how people would behave and I'd be like, I guess is uh how do i do this i was actually a mirror trying to mimic other people and watch how people would behave and i'm like i guess i gotta do that like i you know well you were also like really enamored by the people that were in and you wanted to be like them like

one of the things that was kind of crazy is i wish we had some of this on film um when you first were doing stand-up when i met you when you were doing mad TV, like you were this wild, crazy dude. And then you would go on stage and you would be like, uh, like real, like observational. Yeah. Yeah. Like out of myself, you know? Yeah. Well, you know what? That's, that's, I was thinking about that in the beginning of the podcast is as you, that's, that's because in my opinion, when you're younger, you actually think there's a lot of mystery to life. Like you actually think that other people know better than you do, that your impulses and your instincts are actually wrong and there are people out there that have the answers. And so like when you're in a room with a bunch of 50-year-olds in suits, you get very dazzled by the notion that these people know more than I do because they've lived more and stuff like that. You get older.

Because they have lapels. know more than I do because they've lived more and stuff like that. You get older. Yeah, and you get older and what happens is especially if you've been getting better at something and you've learned kind of how to get really good at something and what that takes. You learn to recognize the peaks and the valleys and the plateaus and stuff like that. What you realize is that accomplishment, the things that you have admired through your whole life, it's not a mystery.

I don't care if I'm sitting next to Robert De Niro or some big scientist now or whatever. I like what they do and they're accomplished people. How they got there is not as much a mystery to me anymore. I have my own journey that I'm proud of. I'm doing my own version of what I do. So I can have a very good conversation with a surgeon, for example. He has a set of skills. I have a set of skills. We chose to do different things. But I'm not awed or intimidated or in mystery of how somebody can be so successful, quote-unquote, because that's no longer blinding or dazzling to me and i think when you're younger

you are just thinking to yourself i am really ultimately somebody who has a lot to learn and i need to mimic mimic what i what looks to me like successful yeah yeah well i think we we all do that in the beginning and you were just trying to find your your footage on stage you know look it's not an easy thing to get to become a stand-up comedian or to give an accurate footage on stage you know look it's not an easy thing to get to become a stand-up comedian or to give an accurate representation of how you're funny off stage you know like i was trying to explain this to someone the other day who has friends that want to be a comedian and uh she was saying well they can't do it they can only make people laugh that know them they can only make their friends laugh like on stage they'll be fucking terrible and say yeah maybe now you say that yeah but whatever the fuck it is that allows a person

to make a bunch of people laugh same thing it's yeah you hone that craft you gotta figure out how to transmit that on stage but it is exactly the same thing absolutely if a guy's funny off stage i have told so many people that they should be comics i'm like dude, dude, you could do this. It's the most awesomest job ever. You ever want to be it? You could do it. Trust me, you could do it. And only a few have ever actually listened. Now, after all this time, like the other day

when I did that awesome show with you in Vegas. How many people were in there? 3,000 people? It was fun. I thought to myself when I was on stage, I go, you know, I feel as though the way I'm speaking and what I'm doing, I would be doing this for 20 people or in my living room or these 3,000. Like that line starts to really blur. And that was kind of like you're up there with that many people but it still feels somewhat intimate. Well, these crowds are very different than any other 3,000-seat crowd you'll ever have.

They're of one mind in some ways. It's crazy because of this podcast because when people – I think when people come to see you that know you from the podcast, they fucking know you pretty damn good. I mean they – More than my best friends know. Yeah. Yeah.

Because I've pretty much dissected everything, and you've dissected everything about your life almost to the point that none of these guys just know like a couple sentences i've told a lot of personal shit on this podcast i've said a lot of like oh yeah but as have i as we all have and you know there's just a rants of you and i talking that have been put to music and images on youtube there's some life-changing shit i've had people tweet me they say i watch this video a hundred times and every time i watch, it makes me more enthusiastic about life and more energetic about

getting out and getting things done. So when you're dealing with a crowd like that, you get this massive positive vibe from all these people. I mean, even when they're drunk douchebags, it's like there's only a couple of them and they're fine. I mean, we've had a couple of people yell some shit out, but it's always fun, man.

I had a blast. Very rarely do we have a negative moment in any of these shows. It's crazy because you're involving alcohol and thousands of strangers. Well, you said, I remember at first you were like, I don't know how many people are going to show up. Maybe it's just a thousand. You stuck your head out. The corner of that arena was full. You went, holy shit. I was like, what the fuck?

They're all the way up to the bleachers, like the top of those bleachers. Well, unfortunately, and I apologize if any of you were a the bleachers, like the top. Yeah. But unfortunately, and I apologize if any of you were a part of that, the people that were at the highest level, they had a hard time hearing. Oh, fuck. Because apparently there's a bit of an echo,

like when with voice, you know, it doesn't carry the way a club does. And because of that, we're not going to do that room anymore. I'm trying to find a, like a real closed in space. The,

the, the, the acoustics for a place that's that large, I mean, the ceiling is so high that when you're up there, I guess people have just had to eat it. They came to see comedy shows that were like that because I guess the Blue Collar Tour or something like that. Yeah, same thing. I'm pretty sure they could sell out that whole place.

If they sold out that arena, the people in the top areas probably have a hard time hearing them unless they set up the sound differently for comedy shows. They probably set it up differently. I saw Eddie Murphy in an arena like that. I had no problem hearing him. You don't like the House of Blues? No, it's too small. And the problem is the House of Blues is awesome.

I love that place. In fact, I would prefer it, but they don't have – it's not all seated. So all those people around the bar are all standing and they all just start talking. It just always happens and I would do it too. I like that place at Vinyl. But I don't – I think the – Is that the place in the Hard Rock? Yeah, the one that Andrew Dice Clay just started doing weekly shows.

Well, we need to come up with a new place because what I try to do is do it wherever the fights are. But MGM doesn't really have a place except that comedy club. They have the comedy club at the MGM, but that's Brad Garrett's comedy club. They always have somebody that's down there, and it's only like 300 seats. But there's no 1,800-seater. There's no nice room that I could get during those nights. We used to do the Lion King Theater. That was badass.

Remember? That's where we hung out with georgio sucalos right we first party with that dude he's a guy from ancient aliens with the wacky hair sweetheart of a guy he's um he's really into like the ancient alien theory the idea that we were visited at one point in time by uh some intelligent beings from other planets who taught people how to build cool shit. Interesting. Guys like that, it's a neat theory, but I just never... It's a great show.

And your proof is? Well, there's none. But there is some unique aspects to ancient man and ancient civilizations that make those theories so juicy. One of them being places like Machu Picchu or Chichen Itza. There's a few, especially Machu Picchu, which is like way to the fucking top of some mountains somewhere. And they try to figure out how the fuck they get these rocks up here.

These things are goddamn huge. And there's some amazing stuff in Peru. These gigantic stones that are like caught to fit perfectly the stone underneath it. You're talking about hundreds of tons stacked on top of each other. I mean just an amazing, amazing piece of construction. Yeah. We don't know how they did it, but it doesn't mean it was aliens. opinion, whenever I look at stuff like that, the preponderance of evidence, the mass amount of evidence points to there had to have been at least some levels of sophistication off

on a different branch that varied from where we are today. And what I mean by that is like, say if you look at life, you look at life, organic life all over the world. There are different animals in Australia that just don't exist here in America. There's kangaroos and shit. You look at Africa with lions and tigers in Asia, and you look at all these different animals, you look at all these different possible eco-chains and possible systems of what could and couldn't have been, and then you read all these different stories that you hear from all the ancient civilizations.

They would talk about a cataclysmic disaster that wiped out an earlier, more advanced civilization. They all talk about that. The Epic of Gilgamesh in Babylon, in Iraq. The Bible talks about it with the flood in Noah. Almost all of them deal with a massive history-changing event. And most likely it looks like that was meteor impacts around 13,000 years ago. They're finding more and more evidence that there's this nuclear glass. We talked about it yesterday, and I'm not going to go into detail with it today,

but there's this glass that exists at the strata around 12,000, 13,000 years ago where the entire – like all throughout Europe smashed by these meteors. So you're talking about big impacts. Well, almost every religious tradition has a story of a great flood, of an antelope. And you look at things like Machu Picchu. You look at all these ancient structures. To me, it seems very likely that there's different branches of intelligent civilization and some of them go off and become Egypt at the same time where other people thousands of miles away in Africa are essentially living the same way they lived a thousand years ago. And then boom, Egypt, they have pyramids and sphinxes. Yeah, there's a book that won a Pulitzer Prize that I've talked about before called Guns, Germs and Steel. And Jared Diamond actually talks about, for example, in China, one of the areas where language written, written word was – and also in the Fertile Crescent in Babylon, cuneiform like writing.

The first time there was a language that was written in alphabet. Whereas the Aborigines of Australia were still living in the Stone Age when the Brits came to Australia. Why? A lot of it can be traced to the fact that we learn from each other as societies. The Yangtze and the Yellow River in China brought information both sides. That's why you have a huge area that speaks one language, Mandarin, which is incredible. It's almost a scene nowhere else. So much of what we, like the Fertile Crescent, the area of Turkey and Babylon and things like that, they had edible grasses, they had animals you could domesticate,

and they had ways to get around. The topography allowed you to share information. So one group would come up with an innovation, a technology, a writing form or whatever and also the fact that they had farming. They had to create central governments, all that. So that's a lot of the reasons why. He basically says, why are some civilizations so much more advanced than others? Here's the reason. That's what the book is about.

It's pretty amazing. There's all sorts of different environments in the world and there's all sorts of different bountiful resource areas where you can exist and subsist off the land fairly easily leaves room for innovation and in a place like peru it might have been like that sure it's much more likely that than people came in from in fact the andes he he talks about was one of the only places that had domesticated animals. You could domesticate llamas. What did that mean? When you can domesticate animals like that, you can move huge

things. Llamas are unbelievably strong. Very strong. Very easily domesticated. Exactly. They make actually really good pets. So you can move huge things. There was arable land. The thing is, they're talking about like hundreds of tons. These things are so goddamn big. They had to have been an advanced civilization.

But it's real possible that they could have been an advanced civilization without any help from aliens. Well, they certainly said that that area is also in gun germs and steel. That area had written – was one of the own places isolated from anything else that created its own written language. So part of that was because they were able to grow corn and things like that and you could subsist over the winter. The climate was somewhat – But my take on it is not that that disqualifies the idea of us being visited by alien life. I don't think it does.

Right. But I think you have to look objectively at like it is a for sure is it a massive feat of accomplishment that human beings built the pyramids it's so whoever did it whether even if the aliens helped us holy shit what a fucking building yeah you know i mean that's that exists okay no one's taking that away but it is it is it possible that at some point in history something came down and fucked with the genetics of lower animals and tried to create some intelligent being with their DNA in it? Of course that's possible too. It's not likely, but it's very possible. We are already taking probes and putting them on Mars.

taking probes and putting them on Mars. If we think about where we are technologically and we think about what we just talked about, about environments where there's a bounty of resources and where you can innovate and where you're – maybe you're in a situation where you don't have a predator situation like humans have had most of their life and you're able to develop much quicker without any worry about predation. So you innovate much quicker.

And you're living on this planet, and you're a thousand million years more advanced than us because this planet doesn't get hit by asteroids. And then you come and visit, and you fuck with monkeys and make people and then disappear and leave them with their stories. And then they repeat their stories over the campfire. And as each generation goes on, they become more and more preposterous, whereas 20 generations later, this story involves a dude coming back from the dead and walking on water.

And people have added their own bullshit to it. But at one point in time, it was an alien who came down and fucked with some monkeys and made people. That is entirely possible. When they talk about the universe being infinite, like the theory is that it's actually infinite. Nobody gets that. I don't get that. Well, what that actually means is that if it's infinite, then what's happening right now between you and I has happened in another world because that's what the notion of infinity is, that any possibility, any mathematical possibility has already happened or is happening or can happen. We can't even wrap our heads around that.

Infinite? Like there are other universes? What are you talking about? Not just one other universe but another universe where you have lived the exact same life. Because that's the mathematical possibility. Yes, because it's so big that every possibility exists. That's like the physics when they say a chimpanzee could sit at a typewriter and it's possible if he that he would just sit there and start hitting it is mathematically possible and write like a great book right write all of shakespeare's works that's horseshit though

it's the idea that's a hater hater said that you took a fucking it's the same idea as you take a bottle throw it to the ground and it scatters but there is a mathematical possibility when you throw that bottle to the ground there's a mathematical mathematical possibility that it will scatter in what direction? In the same direction it was assimilated so it will come right back together. That's a possibility. That's a mathematical possibility. It's just weird shit. Yeah.

There's so many variables. That's where that's possible. And it might not happen in a billion universes. But on one, that takes place. On one, you flip a coin and it lands on its side a hundred times in a row. There's somewhere that's possible. Is it possible that it could land once in a row? Yes.

Then there is a world somewhere where a man flips a coin on a table and it lands on its side a hundred times in a row. And everyone is seeing it as a fucking heart attack and then the building gets hit by a meteor. OK? All of that shit has happened. Yeah. and that's something that we can't we can't understand we have this like really sort of abstract idea of infinity when you look up at the sky you're like yeah look at all the stars wow it's real pretty night and you run into the house as quick as you can before you have to think about it too much

but how big was that meteor that hit not big you know what the biggest piece they've got from it is? What? Seven millimeters so far. What? That's the largest chunk. Yeah, they've recovered. That's how small it was. Most of it just disappears.

Like Tunguska. Tunguska, they believe it probably exploded before it impacted. It exploded in the sky above Tunguska. And that's one of the reasons why it wiped out such an alarmingly large area. God, yeah. And that was in – It was bigger than like I forget how many nuclear bombs. Yeah. It was a few times.

Well, the Tesla maniacs all think that that was Nikola Tesla fucking with his death ray because it coincided with around the same time that Westinghouse was aiming to shut down his ability to project electricity through the air. So the real crazy Tesla tinfoil hat people believe that that was him shooting a death threat. You read a book about him. I read a few books about him. He's an amazing guy. He was the great genius, right? I mean, what was his – Well, he also died penniless. I mean, he wasn't a smart guy when it came to finances and being taken advantage of,

and he also was in love with a pigeon. So he was completely fucking crazy but he was also responsible for more than a hundred patents he was a brilliant brilliant man i mean he created a lot of incredible inventions and believed that it was possible to receive signals and ideas from other dimensions. He believed that he was able to retrieve signals from intelligent beings in the universe. What would you do with those signals? That's a problem. I think a guy who has a mind that's

that insanely supercharged. You're talking about a guy who that... You ever see the display that they put on at the World Fair? The first time they showed electricity to people and they lit up this entire town, the World Fair, wherever the fuck it was, Chicago or something like that? That's incredible, by the way. You have to see it.

But pull up the pictures, Brian. That's crazy. World Fair Tesla electric display because to let people know how incredible this was, he was a guy who figured out alternating current. Thomas Edison resisted all of his ideas. There's direct current and alternating current. We have both, right? AC, DC. The alternating current, the idea behind it was that your electric shaver doesn't need as much electricity as your fucking car does.

You're plugging in your gay hybrid car. And I say gay, G-H-E-Y. Don't hate. You're plugging in your fucking Prius. I'm getting an Alexis. Are you really? Which one are you getting? I'm getting the new hybrid, but it's a badass car.

You son of a bitch. You're getting the LS 460? That's the shit. I think it's a 40 miles to the gallon. Is it the big one? The big LS? It's nice. It's a fucking's a 40 miles in the gallon. Is it the big one? The big LS? It's nice. It's a fucking luxury living room you're driving around.

It's the quietest car ever. Inside of them, they're so insulated. And they're a fantastic piece of electronics and engineering. The way they absorb bumps, shocking. Really? Yeah, you run over bumps and it's like nothing. The whole frame or rather the whole suspension just gives the perfect amount on each wheel to keep the car balanced and flat. That, by the way, it really saves you energy during the day when you drive.

It's relaxing. Massive, massive feat of engineering that. It's the Lexus LS460H I think you're talking about. It's 400 plus horsepower hybrid. Beautiful fucking car. And the new one is even doper looking. They have a new design that they've just come out with. Yeah, I love the design. That's what I like about it.

Brian, see that picture in the top? Not the top left, but the one you were right. Yeah, that one to the right. The black and white one above it. Look at that. Yeah, that's what he did. That was his accomplishment of lighting up the world's fair. Yeah, this is people that had never seen electricity before.

They were used to walking around with fucking candles and shit. Oh, my God. And this guy lit up this whole area. Is that Chicago? Is that where it is? Yeah. That's crazy, man. And, I mean, this was, I think, I want to say 19-

20? What was it? No, 1908. I was going to say 1906. I think I just guessed though We know? Brian can't read Let's find out

Tesla world If you could sit down And talk to three people Who would they be? He'd be number one Really? Yeah Yeah he'd be number one

Number two would be Johnny Cash Really? Fuck yeah How come? I want to hear some stories man three people who would they be he'd be number one really yeah yeah he'd be number one number two would be johnny cash really fuck yeah how come let me hear some stories man johnny cash did the the thing man he was really out there doing it doing shows every night fucking banging out songs and drinking whiskey and taking pills and punching people and fucking next get the car next town boom you know i'm not a big joaquin phoenix fan but even i enjoyed his uh i mean i became i was a big joaquin phoenix fan i should change that i was i loved him in gladiator and uh but when he became like that fake rapper guy and he did that whole thing for like a year i'm like come on man what the fuck i think he just got bored and crazy 1893 1893 was it really yes holy shit 1893 wow um but but he played an awesome johnny cash i mean he fucking knocked it out of the park the

dude's a badass actor i just thought that i mean i shouldn't even say that i don't like him because that's not really true it's just that that whole thing he did where he's like pretending to be crazy i was like why are you what are you wasting your time with this for like the you're doing a fake document who are your friends who's allowing you to talk let me see what's in your pills come here yeah that's a product of la too that's a strange yeah kind of weird they would like pretend to be a loser and fall down on stage and shit like what the fuck you do you were the guy in gladiator man did a lot of drugs i think he yeah i think he answered guess who else does who this guy yeah this guy right here no yeah but i think but i do the kind that are good for drugs. I think he had a – Yeah, I think he had to – Guess who else does? Who? This guy. Yeah, this guy right here.

No. Yeah, but I think he – But I do the kind that are good for you. Yeah, I think he liked his pills and blow and – Yeah, that stuff's no good, man. That's not the shit for you. I don't know. I just heard. I don't know, Joaquin, if you're listening.

I'm not trying to – Why don't you have an isolation tank? I need to get an isolation tank. I don't do – I've only done it a couple times. He lives in Venice. He doesn't need to. I had this conversation with Duncan. Yeah, do, I've only done it a couple times. He lives in Venice. He doesn't need to. I had this conversation with Duncan.

Yeah, you really don't if you want to go visit. You live in Venice, you're sad. But he doesn't live there anymore. He moved. And you're not going to say where he moved

because a lot of checks would be drawn to him irresponsibly. West Hollywood. Shut up! Shut up, Brian! You're fucking ruining everything! You're ruining everything!

You really should be getting in one on a regular basis. Really? Yeah, I'm sick of trying to recruit my fans, my friends, rather. Why do you say that? Everything. You're ruining everything. You really should be getting in one on a regular basis. Really? Yeah. I'm sick of trying to recruit my fans. My friends, rather. Why do you say that?

Just because they're friends. It's a good reboot. My friends. It's a good reboot, huh? I think that it's one of the most important things. Wow. I think it's one of the most important things for relaxing. It's one of the most important things for resetting your thinking to being away from anything else, to being completely alone with your thoughts

without your body even interfering. I had a conversation with Duncan last night. Duncan's doing so well. He's super happy to come with us to Columbus. We're going to have a good time with him. Cincinnati and Columbus. Cincinnati and Columbus. Ohio. March 1st, we're at the Taft Theater in Cincinnati.

Then March 2nd, we are at the Palace in Columbus. Yeah, we're super psyched. That Palace Theater is so fucking beautiful. It's an amazing theater. It's one of those where you just sit there and look at how amazing the place is. I love Columbus. I haven't been there since I did Talking Monkeys in Space, which is my 2009 special. I did it at the Southern Theater in Columbus, and I had the time of my fucking life.

How many specials have you done? I don't know if you know. Live from the Belly of the Beast. Well, the first, if you count all my work ever, it's You're Gonna Be Dead Someday, or I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday. That's my first CD. And then Live from the Belly of the Beast,

not so good. And then I was busy doing too much shit, and I took a lot of time off, then got really into it again. So you're dealing with like 2000 to 2005 is when I did my Showtime special, Joe Rogan Live. Right. That was originally for Netflix. And then 2006 was Shiny Happy Jihad, which is a cassette. Or a cassette.

Cassette? What the fuck is that? It's an 8-track. It's an 8-track. It's a recording-track. It's an 8-track. It was an old Laserdisc. It's a record, a recording on plastic. No. It was a CD, rather, not visual at all.

And then Talking Monkeys in Space, which was the one that was on Spike TV and Comedy Central. And then Live from the Tabernacle. Six. The latest one. Six. Yeah. And I'm ready to do another one, man. This new hour that I'm doing, I'm fucking really having such a good time.

I haven't been so into creating new material and fucking around on stage in such a long time. It's such a good feeling. That's exactly how I feel. I'm just writing new stuff and honing it and watching it grow. It's so much fun. Well, there's a certain amount of attention. You really do have to give a bit before you let it go and put it on a special. And unfortunately, sometimes I'll come up with a bit and it's not done yet

and it gets on a special and it's out there. I know. I know, man. I had so many – I got so many things. My circumcision bit that's on my last special, that was a really recent bit. It was really recent before it had – It's better to save them, man. I had to put it on there though because it went so well with everything that I was talking about.

But then of course as soon as I put it on, I got some new taglines. You need to do a patch for it. You need to do an update. I just want to – Yeah, maybe. Like the stuff I'm doing now, I'm just excited. This is the most honest I've ever been too with my expression. Like I've never been this honest.

Well, I think that comedy is one of those things like almost everything in life, like being a human being. Whereas the more energy you put to it, the more you focus on it, the more you try to take corrective steps and enhance and improve, the better it gets. I feel like I'm better now than I've ever been before. Me too. I really do. I feel like I'm better at timing and I'm feeling it more. It's like I'm into it more. I'm so happy that I'm involved in doing something with stand-up comedy.

And I can tell anybody this. Whatever you do, whether you make cabinets or you love fucking fixing cars, whatever that fucking thing is that jives with you, that really hits your vibration and tunes into your frequency, if you find that, you don't work anymore. Working's done. All of my work is fun. I worked last night for free.

They tried to pay me at the Laugh Act. I'm like, get the fuck out of here, Jamie. I didn't want to sign his paperwork. I'm like, get out of here. Keep that money, bitch. Because I'm just there to fuck around. I'm there because it's of here. Keep that money, bitch. Because I'm just there to fuck around. I'm there because it's all a fun thing to do.

It's not like here to punch the clock, give me my $15. Have you been going there a lot lately? I do Dom Herrera's show a lot there. I've done it a few times now. Why don't you get your own night there so we can start going there? I would be into doing that. Maybe one night we could do that. Jamie Massada is a good person. He's a great guy.

He does more for charity than anybody I know. He's a sweetie. I love that guy. He's a sweetie. I love that guy. And it's a great fucking club. I bust his balls all the time. I always have.

Buddy, because do you remember when Paul Mooney come to my club and wants to say the N-word and I say, no, buddy. He got a little crazy with the N-word. He was worried after the whole Michael Richards thing. I i was there that night i didn't see it i left the comedy store you know back in those days the comedy store would have fucking taken that video and released it virally themselves you know michael richard just wasn't you know he was trying to do stand-up and he had never done stand-up i don't think it wasn't that funny well what happened was he's not good at it and he made a mistake.

He thought he could get away with something and he went down a road and it didn't work. But the people that tried to pretend that it was like him running up to some people and shouting racial slurs at them unannounced, it's not like that. You're talking about he was interrupted during a performance and he tried to find a way out of it and he's very unskilled in this particular art form he was very angry and he was also an elitist he was also a guy and still is a guy who's a very successful famous guy who's probably used to people treating him very well and not really used to young black eyes who don't give a fuck who he is and is saying he sucks. Tell him the truth.

And he was so infuriated that his point of view immediately went racial. I mean he went right for the jugular with that. You'd be hung upside down with a pitchfork in your ass or something. I think you said that. That's a violent image. Well, it's ridiculous. He's kind of an asshole though. You're not a racist.

You're an asshole. Those people that get that gig, man, and you've had that gig, that TV gig. You've had it to a lesser extent than Michael Richards of course did. But Michael Richards, when he had it, when he was on that set for nine years, whatever the hell it is, that guy was a god. Michael Richards is here. Kramer's here. Everybody was so excited to be around him. Everywhere he went.

Yeah, everywhere he went, people were opening doors for him and getting him things. And he was allowed to be that sort of goofy guy. Well, when the party ended, when Seinfeld ended, then it's Michael Richards on his own. Okay, so what does he do? He tries to do a sitcom. It doesn't work. So he says he's going to start doing stand-up. But you have to have ultimate humility to be

already famous and then try to get good at comedy yeah that takes fucking balls the only person i've ever seen pull it off is charlie murphy charlie murphy is the only guy i've ever seen get good from being an open mic or while famous wow yeah yeah he did it he's got balls dude charlie murphy has fucking balls i love that yeah he's got balls he would go up and he was doing hard for him he looks so much like eddie yeah he was doing 40 minutes like a year after he started doing chapelle show when he had no previous experience whatsoever he's closing shows what was he doing before this he's an actor yeah he's been an actor forever. But you know, to go as a Michael Richards, where you're beloved as being hilarious,

because everybody was writing your stuff. You had a bunch of really talented, hilarious writers putting words in your mouth, putting the brilliant words in your mouth. And it's as you know, you're you're the you kick the door open, you come sliding in, your hair's all crazy, and you say the awesome shit and everybody loves you. And then all of a sudden there's nothing. And there's nothing and it stays nothing. And you're like, I've got to get out of here. I've got to do something.

And you start going to the comedy store. And then you realize, wow, you're dealing with it in completely different art form. That's like being a runner and saying, I'm going to go play football. That's right. It's like, oh, Jesus, now what are all these other obstacles? I'm playing football now. It's also funny because with stand-up, your fame, you can be the

most famous person in the world. Even in LA, it'll get you five minutes of reverence. And then the audience goes, well, wait a minute. I'm not laughing. People shut down. They shut down right away. That night, he had the most beautiful girlfriend with him and I felt – I would like to talk to her because she was there.

He was dragging this girl to show to show, this big boob, big butt girl in it. Well, everybody said he was doing something that was probably – I probably, yeah, yeah. Limes with doke. Yeah. I remember I called you that night before that happened just because I saw him

at the comedy store and I'm like dude he just got off stage and he was fucking going crazy were you with me when we ran into who told us about it was it Brent

no it was who told us about it? Ah, shit. What's his face? Brett Ernst. Yeah, it was Brett Ernst. It was Brett Ernst. Yeah, yeah.

Brett Ernst went to the... Yes, it was Brett Ernst. He went to the Laugh Factory and came back over. And you had seen his Comedy Store set. I saw his Comedy Store set. I called you because it was so ridiculous. Because it was so ridiculous and aggro and crazy. I took a photo with him that night, too.

I have a picture of me and him. I was there. I remember the night that he did it. I had done a set and he was on the next show. So I think I was on the 8 o'clock show and he was on the 10 o'clock show. And I remember – I think I got off stage and then he – I think he came on right after me. And I left. I left because I had seen him a bunch of times already.

And it's too bad I didn't stay. I literally left and he was on stage. Maybe interview that girl, whoever that was. Maybe go to – What girl? The girl that you went with that night. Oh, why do you want to talk to her? That would be so weird to see that side of her.

I auditioned for him and he was mean to me. Like he was rude. He didn't make – he just made me feel uncomfortable in the room like just by just being – I made a joke and he didn't laugh and I was just auditioning for his new sitcom. And I never forgot it. I just thought thought that was he was a bad experience and i always had a chip on my shoulder but i was like that was kind of a dick to me so you know it wasn't that nice a guy you know there's a lot of people out there that are dicks a lot of people out there that are dicks that people haven't found out yet i wonder what he's doing now pulling his hair out living in a big house

what does he do what does a guy like kramer do chatterbait all day he's kramer by the way forever right yeah like i'm the fear factor guy for life that's kramer what do you do you gotta figure out what do you do now you know you have to do too i saw i saw but i'm that as well i saw mel gibson the other day i was in uh i was in malibu and he was sitting with his family i was having dinner with him. I saw him. Nazis. His dick tastes like Nazis. I think he's a guy who actually just gets drunk and then becomes self-destructive and starts saying – he has Tourette's. He'll just say the most outrageous shit in the world.

He's always at Moonshadow's, that bar or whatever, that bar or restaurant in Miami or – Malibu. Malibu. Miami. He's there all the time. Imagine getting directions from Brian. I don't even think he's racist or anything. I just think he just gets crazy and goes, I'm going to say the most outrageous shit on the planet.

Oh, I don't know about that, man. Was he drunk when he was calling his chick, leaving those crazy messages? Yeah, he was drunk. Stop and think about that. What if that was your daughter? Well, not only that. When I get drunk, I'm not mean. It's not when I get drunk.

I get drunk and I'm like, the Jews. Fuck blacks. Some of the shit that'm like, the Jews! You know? Fuck blacks! Some of the shit that he said, though, was so poignant. Like, shut up and blow me. You know? I'm taking you out of that big house. You should just shut up and blow me!

It was so hilarious. He was defining what a crazy, fucked up, fake relationship he's in. You know you're in a fake relationship. Just do your job and suck my dick. No, you have to keep making it harder and harder for me because he married a monster well he got he got she recorded of course yeah she not just recorded him she set him up she's a fucking heartless russian cunt yeah she set up that's allegedly allegedly that's his fault though she could be a wonderful woman don't marry a girl like that you idiot i know another guy i'm not gonna going to say who's famous. But any girl who would take your – she's got a child with a guy and she's taking those videos and selling them online.

Wow. Yeah, she's selling them to a website. Wow. That's an evil bitch. That's an evil bitch. And that's the mother of your child. And it's a woman who he had spent a bunch of money to try to get recordings for her. She tried to build her some sort of a recording career.

Oh, no. But by the way, she probably felt fucking terrified because he's a dangerous, crazy asshole. I was going to say. Yeah. You're right.

By the way, I just realized that. Thank you for saying that because by the way, he's crazy and he's fucking saying that. What do you expect her to do? She had to live with that guy.

That wasn't the first time she had to live with him. She's having a kid with that guy. She had a kid with that guy. And that guy's going to be around her baby. Exactly. He's fucking screaming and yelling. I'm on her side.

I'm on her side. Well, in a certain sense, yeah. I was all ready to go bat on her, and then you reminded me of that in my own way. Old dudes like that, when you fuck some chick from a country where they're not doing so well financially, and you know what you're doing. You know what you're doing. She's hot. You're not.

It's done for you. But yet you're still in the game with Viagra. What's going on for real? Well, you're going to have to accept that there's some imbalance in that sort of relationship. And she's not going to really be into fucking you that much. And once she gets a kid from you and she's starting to get money from you and she's tired of listening to you come home and scream about the Jews, after a while she's going to start recording phone calls. I mean that's just – there's a yin and a yang to the world. Yeah, you know why?

Because when you drink that much, it never has a good ending. You got to get a hold of yourself. It's unfortunate because he's a fucking brilliant director. Yeah, he is. He's a, Braveheart was a fucking badass movie.

I thought Apocalypto was an amazing movie. It was very good. I enjoyed it. I thought it was really good. I think he's, he knows how to make a story. He knows how to structure a movie. Yeah.

You know, he's really good. Even that movie, Stop the Gringo, whatever the fuck it was. I didn't see it. What is it called? Something the Gringo? His last movie? The one with the teddy bear? No, no, no, no.

That was hilarious. The beaver. The beaver. Oh, my God. That doesn't even seem like real life. I thought it was a skit. I just auditioned for it. I did, too.

When I saw my first initial reaction seeing the preview was, this is a sketch. thought it was a skit that was for a long period. I just auditioned for the guy that did that. When I saw the, my first initial reaction seeing the preview was, this is a sketch. Plenty or Die skit. Yeah, something. Kimmel. Yeah, Saturday Night Live, something.

But then to find out it's an actual movie with Jodie Foster, it's like, what is, how did, And it actually got good reviews. How did Jodie Foster

get sucked into this fucking movie? She looks great, by the way, 50 years old. Has she ever had the Oscars or whatever? That's what I'm going to do for you, son.

Wow. Two fingers in. She looks looks phenomenal her skin and her tight like she's gorgeous damn she's getting some damn I am I know Wow is that the noise that she makes which is yeah Jodie Foster's having sex is that cartoon now is Jodie having sex chicks are just coming over and eat her now. Come on over. Come get some. Get this poached egg. Come on, get some. I'll be a fly on the wall.

Yeah, she, I don't know. Does she have a baby or anything? I think so. A boyfriend? Married or any of those things? I think so, yeah. Is she out of the closet now? Yeah, I think so.

She speaks fluent French. Isn't it funny that that's like a big issue? Like whether or not a chick is a lesbian? Yeah. I don't give a fuck. You can tell just by the way she talks or smell but the thing is a woman like here's the issue here's the legit issue for real a woman like jodie foster can come out of the closet and still play someone's wife no problem no one has a

problem with it right if tom cruise and i'm not saying tom cruise is gay but if tom cruise was gay and he came out of the closet and um then wanted to do a movie where he was making out with a chick, it's over. That's reality. I mean I believe – I mean look, I shouldn't say it's reality because I'm basing it on my own personal feelings of how it would go down. It might go down differently. differently but i i think that you know the people who do polling for politicians and stuff like you know that i mean you'd be amazed at how irrational voters are how how how finding out one little thing about somebody's past can really sway an election so people are very you know for the most part people are pretty conservative in their ideologies yeah it doesn't seem to be an issue

when you're women that are coming out it's like we don't really have that much of a problem with that. I think it's because there's no penetration. I really think it's, ah, you're bumping muffs and you're making out. Yeah, there's a neediness to cock. Tell me what I need. Tell me what I need. Yeah, I'm going to – There's a neediness.

And also there's also the stigma of disease and all that stuff that comes with it too, right? With the gay sex? Yeah. What are you trying to say? What if they're just into jerking off each other? Well, that's completely different. That's just college. And they're really clean.

Because that's college. Are they staring each other in the eye? They're looking away. Oh, looking away. And that's fucking college stuff. That's buddies. What are you worried about over here? Let me see your dick for a second.

As a goof, I'm going to jerk it off. Listen, I've been shaving around my dick because they say it makes my dick look bigger, but I'm not convinced. Can you give me an opinion? Let me see. I want you to be objective here. Let me give it a look. Give it a look.

I don't think it looks any bigger. Dude, that looks a lot bigger. I'm telling you, it doesn't look good. Can I be honest with you? It doesn't even look like it could choke you with this. You look like you should have hooves right now. I'm being honest. You would just suck it, and it wouldn't even feel bad.

It would just go all the way in your mouth. I mean, I'm betting. What do you mean? If you tried it right now, I'm betting it would just go in your mouth you mean you don't think you could feel it we need to i'll try we need to do another mikey yeah absolutely tony in the basement all right what was the character's names do we remember um mikey one of them was mikey and then there was the mom who was kelly kirsten yeah she was great i was talking to my barista today at starbucks or whatever barista and he was telling me how much he loves Grindr that he's like, I've already met three guys this week.

And I was thinking, how lucky – they have Blender for women, but that's bullshit. But how lucky are gay guys? They could just be like, oh my god, there's a gay guy a minute away from me. But you can't be president. Yeah. I think a lot of people wouldn't vote for you for president. Yeah. I wouldn't give a shit.

But who wants to be president? I'd vote for it. If you had a choice between being a happy gay guy or the president? Happy gay guy, probably. You would rather be gay than be the president? The president just because there's a lot of experience there. There's a lot of interesting stuff. You would rather be the president?

Do you think you'd be able to handle the pressure without going totally white hair in six months? I don't know. What is that, man? Isn't that freaky? Well, I think because first of all, every decision you make, you're going to make 50 percent of the people happy, 50 percent not happy. I know, but it is. You're also not sleeping. It's consistently freaky.

Yeah. I mean you're not sleeping. You're the most powerful man in some ways in the world. You're thinking about your legacy. I don't know. I would do it until I got fired. I would just be like JFK but with Twitter and just fucking random girls and being the president. Make it really pimpy.

Totally change it like any other thing. Don't be respectful. Just shut up and turn your mic off. No, you wouldn't. Wouldn't you if you were the president? They would kill you. They would fire me. You can't get away with anything because everybody is watching every move you make.

I think the hardest thing about being president is that everybody is watching everything you do all the time. You get no privacy. What you're saying could be accomplished in the JFK days. You could have a bunch of people keep their mouth shut and maybe there would be some fucking guys who would take some pictures through a two-way mirror allegedly in Cuba. But for the most part, he got away with a lot of craziness. Yes. But today, no't unless you had the internet and everyone on your side like this dude's fun this is a fun prep like like make

it almost like an 80s movie you know like an 80s movie like you just became the president a party president i don't want to i want a sober i want a sober thinker a party i can hear the voiceover it's's like piggies, right? You just became a puss. Was that movie Piggies? Is that what it was called? No, Porkies. Porkies.

Piggies. I was thinking. I was like, what's he saying? Like Porkies for the White House. This summer. Hey, Kim Cattrall. Kim Cattrall. Oh, she was so hot.

I remember being 14 and I was – I've never had – I was literally like, I think my dick is going to break. It's so fucking hard. Like I was watching her. I was so fucking pain had I was literally I think my dick is gonna break it so fucking hard like I was watching her I was so fucking painfully turned on by her she was so ridiculously perfectly attractive

like her face her body I worked with her too on Sex and the City yeah she's still looking hot she was hot as shit she was 45 at the time

were you thinking about hitting it of course I was of course would you have I went out to lunch with her and Mario Cantone and you know I was flirting powerful Mario. Of course. Would you have just said the story? I went out to lunch with her and Mario Cantone, and I was flirting. Powerful Mario Cantone.

Is she also the girl from Weird Science, that same girl? No. Weird Science? That chick was really hot, too. No, that was the one. Oh, that's Kelly LeBrock, who I also worked with. You worked with her? I worked with her, too.

I did a movie with Kelly LeBrock. I spent a week with her. She was married to Steven Seagal. Yeah, she was. Yeah. She's pervy. I mean, if you watch that movie, that's just a masturbation movie. She's so hot.

She's another one. But when you met her, she was 45 years old? Yes. How was the body? Unbelievable. Really? Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Did you get any vibe? Not really. No? Did you put anything out there? Yeah, of course. And nothing? Shut you down? By putting anything out there, as in, you're the hottest thing in the world and I've always been attracted to you.

And yeah, I was trying to do everything I could. Do you think that you'd have better success now seeing as time has gone past? Maybe she's a little more humble. Maybe she regressed, turned you down. Well, when you get – yeah, when you get to a certain age. You could sit back and go, you know what? That Brian Callen, man, that was a pretty good deal. She's going to give me some young crazy dick.

There you go. I was ready to fuck. She did say – she did say because I kept coming and giving my card to to sarah jessica parker i would present my card yeah no but in the scene i'd have to give my card and she looked at me and she goes were you a dancer and i went yes i was yes i was i was also a martial artist oh you didn't say that i said in that voice that's where you lost her she just stuck with dancer and then when she finds out about martial arts later now she's intrigued because you didn't have to. I said it in that voice. You lost it. That's where you lost her. You should have just stuck with dancer. And then when she finds out about martial arts later, now she's intrigued because you didn't have to be douchey. I'm not that patient. I wasn't that patient, dude.

But fuck yourself when you do that. It's like name dropping. Yeah, I was hanging out with Mick Jagger last night. I panicked. I panicked. You can't say that within the first couple moves. I panicked. It was Kim Cattrall from Porky's.

What do you want from me? It's like the Gambler. It's like that Kenny Rogers song. You got to know when to hold them. That's it. You're the best around with Janine Garofalo. not i fucking dare you how dare you just ruin my appetite you fuck you shut your mouth janine's good people though shut your mouth too both of you stop playing along and move on you go you went back to brian callen of circa 1994 trying to please

the industry the fuck are you talking about? How dare you lie to the people? How dare you? Why Sauron walks the streets. Sauron. Did you see The Hobbit? I didn't. It wasn't good. It wasn't?

It didn't look good. The preview didn't even look good. It was a bunch of things happening. What movie have you seen that you loved? Did you see Django? Yes. I want to see that. I loved it.

It was very good. I love Tarantino. It was fun. Yeah. I loved it. It's very good. I love Tarantino. It was fun. Yeah. I like Mama. The horror movie, Guillermo del Toro. Oh, yeah. You know, it's a fun movie.

It's scary. It's stupid. It's a fucking ghost movie. What do you want? What about... It's fun. You see Seven Psychopaths? No.

One of my favorite movies I've seen in a while. Really? Really? If you get past the first 20 minutes, it's brilliant. The writing's great. You know what it is? It's Fight Club for Writers. Who did it?

Huh. That's what. Who did is great. You know what it is? It's Fight Club for Writers. Who did it? That's what. Who did it? The same guy that did – I can't remember the other movie he did. Seven Psychopaths. It didn't make much of a splash. I liked the James Bond movie. It wasn't that bad. It wasn't great.

It could have been – I think it would have been better if they cut out like a half an hour of it. It seems like there was just a little overly complicated. There's a little too much going on in it, a too epic but uh daniel craig's a bad motherfucker you believe him as a uh a real spy like a real british intelligence agency where agency guy where it's like there was some of those bonds where i was like get the fuck out of here yeah you know like did you believe timothy dalton no get the fuck out of? Dude, you ain't beating anybody up. I had a – Stop it.

My podcast, The Brian Callen Show. Even Roger Moore. Roger Moore was like silly. Yeah, but he was just so suave that I didn't mind. It was great for the time. It was great for the time. Yeah, yeah. It was for the time.

But now as we know more – Did you believe he was a real agent? Yeah. Now as you know more, it's like different. Daniel Craig's – between Sean Connery and Daniel Craig, those are the only two guys I would believe were actually agents. Listen, the guy I just did this podcast with was a Delta Force guy and I think he probably did other stuff afterwards but he won't say. But we had a really good podcast and he told me that he would take me to Kurdistan this summer where he's really connected if I wanted to go. And I was looking at him.

I was like, you're a Delta Force guy. I'm probably like a big CIA guy. I'm looking at him and I said to his wife, I go – I'm looking at him. I was like, you were a Delta Force guy and probably like a big CIA guy. And I'm looking at him and I said to his wife, I go, I'm looking at his body like he's got no neck, really thick, kind of strong guy. And I was trying to get like what it takes to be a Delta Force guy. He goes, well, let's put it this way.

A lot of the graduation pictures, there'll be one guy in the graduation photo or sometimes no guys. They just take a picture of the graduating class and there's nobody in the fucking room. Because nobody made it. There's nobody. Nobody made it.

Right. And he straps you in a helicopter right before he takes off. He goes, so you like going on that Joe Rogan podcast, huh? And you're like, fuck. He goes, he said to me, I said to his wife, I go, what's he like? She goes, well, he doesn't get cold

and he doesn't need to sleep, I'll tell you that much. And I was like, well, there it is. That's two things. I get cold as shit. Well, they enjoy that. I know. Like a lot of marines but daniel craig reminds me of a hard dude like that like you believe that he would be one of those like elite commando slash you know yeah paramilitary you know what i mean like he's got hard skin and he looks just fucking hard like this guy you believe

it when he's kicking ass you totally believe you believe it when he's a. You believe it when he's kicking ass. You totally believe it. You believe it when he's a killer. You believe it when his hands are shaking. He's like – I mean obviously it's a completely different sort of character than the Roger Moore character. But if you want to talk about like a believable character, like Roger Moore was almost like comedy. Like remember they broke into the set once where they were filming the fake moon footage and Roger Moore is driving his car across while they're there you know remember that yeah I mean there's a lot of like comedy and silliness to the Roger Moore movies that you don't get in the Daniel Craig one Daniel Craig just seems like a real killer did I ever tell you about my buddy who's who's a real badass like special forces guy and how many guys you know like that and how many of you have sex with because like you're talking about I mean at one time you know at one time or as a guy's There's a guy I know who's in the Rangers.

I'm in a group. I'm in a group. There's this club I go to. You get together. Should we take those pictures of the prince in Vegas? No, this is what I do. They shave me down. They oil me up.

And I run through the room. I try to get to the other side. They try to stop me. And then we turn the lights off. And if something goes in my mouth, I try to stop it. The lights were off. And sometimes it's better to just lay there and service every man. Actually, he told me the funniest story about him.

He was with all the big – what they call combat action group, CAGs, these rough like delta guys. And he said a lot of these guys, they're all up in arms about gays in the military. Meanwhile, he's watching these guys. They're all wearing the Vibram Five finger soles and they they they're like really muscular shave their body with tattoos and and one guy's doing pull-ups while the other guy's securing his hips and he's like this is the most and they all have like trojan call signs you know and like and it's like this is the gayest they got all the velcro gear their bandanas and stuff he's like you guys couldn't be more homoerotic there's not a girl near you for 100 miles you all live in barracks you're never wearing shirts you're always working each other out you're always rolling

practicing jujitsu he's like this is the gayest this is the this is every gay man's dream it's like the homoerotic energy in these in these badass groups is so thick he was saying but this is what he was saying this is where you know you're dealing with a badass brian what is this what are you watching well let me see that what fuck? That was the thing you were talking about. Wait, I got to see that. What? James Bond. Oh, I thought it was a real thing.

That was James Bond. That was all the takes of jumping over the crocodiles. Oh, so they really did that? Yeah, and these are all the different takes they did. Wow. So what did they do? They strapped the crocodiles in place? They must have.

No. Were you guys running on them? No, because he gets caught at one point. There's this one right after this one, I think. He gets caught. Well, they all swarm around him. Come on. Look, look, right here.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. These things are strapped in place, man. See, their bodies don't move in any direction. They can't go left or right. They're just sort of strapped in place. Oh, he fucked up, though.

He stepped on the head. His foot is in it in place. Oh, he fucked up, though. He stepped on the head. His foot is in it. Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. His fucking foot. Those are real. His foot is caught.

It's like his leg, his pant leg is caught on the tooth. That's fucking crazy. They really did that. Oh, dude. Stuntmen have a really, really fucking hard life. That's nuts. And that's it right there. They show it.

That's the real deal. That was amazing. Wow, that's fucked up. Those it right there they show it that's that was amazing wow that's fucked those were great movies those were a lot of fun oh fuck yeah back then so my buddy the internet try watching them now your head will explode i asked my buddy i said what do you carry what kind of weapon and he goes he tells me and he goes you know i carry this and i and i carry like a handgun and i said to him i go why do you why a handgun? And he goes, because I'm not getting fucking taken alive when I'm in Waziristan. They're not taking me alive. That's why.

I go, what are you talking about? He goes, because I'm going to shoot myself, bro, if I run out of bullets. I'm not fucking letting anybody take me. You're not getting taken alive by those guys. They're going to fucking do bad shit to you so you kill yourself i was like oh you have a very different job than i do you live a very different fucking life did you carry a fucking suicide pistol with you when you're on mission all right if you have that job that's your reality that's your reality you're also your reality is that you know life can stop you've taken it you've

actually made life stop that's what the Delta guy said to me. He said, you know, I just assumed I was already dead. Like he said, you know, I would always kind of – you kind of get in that mode where you're like I'm already going to die. So, I mean, you have to be – that has to be a very strong possibility and you have to come to peace with it before you go on a mission. Right. It's an interesting kind of way. It's a samurai's way. It's a warrior.

They're just warrior code, you know, different different kind of reality when is that going to stop existing when you think that is it possible that we develop a society that literally has no more conflicts and murder i mean is it possible to get to a point in time where human beings exist the same way butterflies do where none of them kill each other in some ways in some ways only only if we're being watched constantly which we are you know or if we don't leave In some ways, only if we're being watched constantly, which we are. Or if we don't leave the house because it seems like we're getting more and more. We don't even have to leave our house to get a word. Yeah, that's a good point too.

But is it that? I think human beings have a need for aggression. We have it in us, man. But is it that or is it that we have to come to some new understanding about fellowship, a new understanding about how human beings interact with each other and never have that sort of sick hate, anger, and animosity towards each other because it's completely unnecessary. Somebody said – I mean Freud and Einstein had a correspondence

where Einstein said, I want the world to be peaceful and people not to fight each other. And Freud said, yeah, but then they'll fight themselves. I mean that aggression can be turned on themselves. I mean that's a part of the human animal. Maybe, but maybe not necessarily. I feel like if they were managed properly, first of all, I think there's a real issue with kids,

and this is one of the things that makes me crazy about taking wrestling out of the Olympics is that wrestling is a good aggressive sport and it wears people out. It's a beautiful sport. It's aggressive sport, and it wears people out. Yeah, it's a beautiful sport. It's good for kids. It wears you out. It gets a lot of the excess energy out of your system so you can think clearly. That's a real issue with young kids because hormonally it's like you're taking them and you're putting them on speed and you're putting them on steroids

and you're just sending them loose in the world with no guaranteed exertion of this vehicle. No outlet. No outlet for that. And if you're a healthy, young 17-year-old kid, your body is just pumping crazy hormones. I mean I'd get mad boners just driving in my car. Me too. My dick would get so hard it would hurt just driving my car. Me too.

And if you're not involved in something physical, so there's that. And then there's also management of the mind. Having people that you really respect sit down and have a conversation with you about life because it never fucking happens. The conversations that you have at school are you need to learn this. You need to remember this. You need to figure this out. They don't sit you down and teach you how to manage your emotions, sit you down and teach you how to manage your emotions sit you down and teach you how to manage your interactions with other human beings and that there's more than one way to react

to something and that reacting to something in a positive way is not a sign of weakness it's not at all in fact it's a sign of strength and admiration that can create lifelong friendships i think that's also the teacher though because growing up all the bullies were the wrestlers i mean i never had a bully on the track team you know well that's what sport sport that also might be an attractor to certain aggression a certain kind of kid but that that's what sport does that's exactly what it does it teaches you it teaches you um how to manage your emotions it also teaches you that actually the better you get at a sport like wrestling or whether it's boxing or that, that those emotions, that anger is actually becomes a liability as you

try to get better at something. Yeah. I mean, I was never a bully, but moments where someone was intimidated by me and I reacted to that intimidation, they make me feel ashamed, you know, and that's as, as a martial artist and as a person who is striving to improve yourself, moments in your past, even if it's when you were 14 years old where you exhibited weak character should make you feel ashamed. Yes. And that's something that gets taught to you with traditional martial arts where there's a philosophy behind your actions and a philosophy behind teaching you a martial art, an art of war, and how to defend yourself and how you should perform in a dangerous situation or in an actual fight for your life. today where they're they're not brought into this life they're not brought through steps to teach

them how to manage their stresses manage their emotions manage their friendships manage this the chimpanzee rage that's pumping through your fucking veins when you're a young man that no one addresses and they just want you to suppress it and keep quiet and shut your mouth and put your tuck your napkin in and you're just fucking you just want to go crazy and smash on the table and run through a fucking wall and get out of the house a lot of it's problem solving a lot of it's like that's a large part of getting better at something is solving problems in a way and a lot of it is also that we need to admire someone before us who has already done it and who is who is giving us advice from someone who's a coach a coach a father an uncle a father figure a responsible man a lot of kids need a lot it's the society society needs a fucking mentor and i think there's a lot of people

that say that is what's missing in the idea of the president and we haven't really had a mentor in society since kennedy i mean a lot of people feel like a lot of the presidents that we've had have been so obviously been puppets. Maybe Jimmy Carter wasn't. Well, Lawrence Lessig in this book, Republic Laws, I've talked about before said that. He said the problem with Obama was I had voted for him because I thought he was a president of ideas. He wanted to come in and change the way Washington worked.

And unfortunately, he surrounded himself with a bunch of people that were such Washington insiders that nothing changed. And that's his – part of his critique of Obama was the idea that I thought I was getting a guy who said, hey, Washington is run by green and lobbyists. Let's change it and did not stick to that grand idea, getting that idea out to people and saying, you know what the real problem is, guys? None of the stuff you're talking about. It's all about this, the fact that money is corrupting everything we do and not tracking the will.

Now we have a government that doesn't track the will of the people. You have to have a president, like you said, who comes in who's a man of ideas, grand ideas. Well, what Kennedy had above all these other guys was speeches that would inspire dreams. He had – when he was talking about putting a man on the moon, when he was talking about the way our society should be a free society and that we should not encourage or allow secret societies to exist. The way he was talking about the flow of information and ideas, like this was an inspirational man. This was a man that was saying things while president that were inspiring a nation and

were inspiring dreams. And Obama's not doing that. Obama's reassuring us. And he could be, but he's not. Well, I don't know if he has it in him. I mean I don't know who he is. I know that what we thought we were getting when he first became the president turned out to either be an impossibility by nature of the fact that the system is just so fucked.

He's just doing his best to try to keep it together or he never really intended to do that in the first place and he's really just a guy who works for the big banks. Well, he may be – I think that he's such a moderate human being, a very middle-of-the-road guy, like in his sensibilities and his philosophy that he's not a radical idea guy. He's like – he said he may not be in them. He's just a guy who is more interested in keeping things somewhat copacetic. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. But it's – this world desperately needs that now, more than anything.

They need a person of ideas. Yeah, that's right. And we need a real mentor. We need some fucking 60-year-old really smart dude who can get on TV and really stand up and say, listen, we have an issue with culture in general. We have an issue with culture in general, that we are acting on momentum, that we are one society interacting with hundreds of different societies, all of them fucked, all of them operating on ancient principles that are almost impossibly applicable in today's society with the access to information that we have today. You can't have the kind of power structures that we have in this country or in any country when you have the access to information that people have today because you don't need it. Tim Ferriss was talking about his new book, The 4-Hour Chef. He was talking about how – he reminded me of what Michael Pollan said in his book. He talks about – Michael Pollan said, you can vote three times a day by what you eat, what you put on your plate.

And one of the things I like about Tim is he's so optimistic in the idea that, hey, a lot of farmers are retiring. We're going to have huge tracts of land that are either going to go to big industrial farms or we can actually start changing not only the way we eat, but if we educate ourselves in the way we eat and we buy locally and sustainably, et cetera, et cetera, we will then have a situation where people will be healthier, where healthcare costs won't go spiraling out of control. The more you educate yourself, the more you kind of – and his idea is all I got to do is get 20 million people to change the way they eat and reeducate themselves.

That's all well and good but you still have the same government. The real issue is always going to be if we have a bunch of people that are controlling a bunch of other people and it's illogical. And that's the situation that it's at right now. You can absolutely vote with your dollars. Yeah. I think it changes though with us. I think it changes with consumers. I think it changes with the population as they become more educated as to what the root of the problem is. Yes. And their behavior changes. I don't think there will be – see, Washington works on an incentive structure. There is an incentive to behave this way. Yeah, financial.

OK. So … That should be illegal. You've got to figure out a way. Well, the better than making it illegal because they will find a way to get around that law because they write the laws. Better than that, let's figure out a way to take the profit out of that. Let's behave differently as consumers, as the people with the real money, tax dollars and consumer dollars.

Let's start educating ourselves on, for example, how to eat, what's wrong with the school lunch program, what's wrong with the way we feed people, etc. I think that's all – those are all great ideas. But I think it's not going to change until people that grow up in this age with this access to information with this understanding of how everything works if they decide to be the next people and to change the way politics and government run that's the only way it's going to work the people that are already in there that have been there before the internet they're not changing shit they're going to steal from this or steal from that or find another way to fuck people or charge more for that yeah the only thing i would say about what you're saying is that this book that again to quote lauren flessick's book is he takes

on this question exactly and he said the the real scary thing is you have a lot of good people in washington who came with an idea of of changing it and he he maps out how you get caught up in that web of of it be it's become an economy of influence and he talks about how it's impossible to be a politician without being corrupted. That's the argument he makes at this point. He says the machine itself has become so corrupt that even if you're a good person and a lot of – he says. He goes – he spends all the time. A lot of politicians are good people. They want to make a difference.

You get so caught up in the – Foolproof system of corruption. Economy of influence that it's impossible to even stay elected and not be – Well, I think the only way that that's going to change is the people coming up have to change it. The new people entering into the system have to slowly deviate from this – the pattern that's been going on for as long as this country has been around. It's a slow, consistent movement towards corruption, slowly twisting the truth more and more, distorting the Bill of Rights, constricting the Constitution. It has to be that the people coming up recognize that there's just – it's all on the table now and it – much like running a company, you can run a country without being a cunt as well. It's got to be possible.

It's got to – if it's possible for one person to interact pleasantly with another person, that's impossible for all of us to interact pleasantly with each other. And that has to be global. There's got to be a way to eventually get to the point where there's no conflict, armed conflict between human beings. It seems like it's absolutely possible to avoid. It seems like a generation or two of information away. I would argue we are moving in that direction. We are. We've let it down. Besides the fact that you hear about horrible things in the news when they happen.

There's less violence. There's much less violence. There's more visibility. There's more to eat. There are more representative governments today than there ever have been, not even close. Things are moving in the right direction. And it's only been a couple of hundred years of real good access to information. In order for us to truly understand each other.

We've got to read each other's works. We've got to listen to each other speak. We have to figure out what is different between your life and my life and what lessons can I learn from you without having to live with myself. Those lessons are so apparent and available now that the 21-year-olds that I talk to today, they're so much fucking smarter than I was when I was 21.

They've got access to it. You know, I always tell people, go to TED.com, for example. Go to TED.com. Listen to speeches. Open your mind. It'll lead you places. Well, these kids are doing that. I know they are.

That's what's amazing. They are way smarter than the people of our generation. Their reality is a different frequency than the people of our generation. And if there's anything that's going to change it, that's going to change it. Guys like Newt Gingrich are never going to change shit. That guy is solidified in that process of bullshit. And he's like all these other politicians that are in that fucking soup of it, whether it's Obama or John Kerry or all these guys. You're in that fucking soup.

It's too crazy. You can't fix that. No one is going to fix that fucking thing. You think the internet is going to start I guess it's going to be We should demand that people be voting on the internet. That's reality. If you want reality,

let people vote on the internet. If they can figure that out, if they can figure out how to let people vote on the internet, the whole thing changes. As long as they can't hack it, as long as it can't be bullshitted, as long as there's real accounting done on the actual numbers and we make sure that this is a rock solid secure system before we enter into it, there's got to be a way of doing that.

There's a way to buying things online. Everybody uses their credit card online. Nobody votes online. Why is that? Because they can manipulate it, OK? They can manipulate it. They can control it. and they can control trends. You can change the whole game if all of a sudden you are allowed to vote online because then Lady Gaga could be fucking president.

OK? And that's real. That's not a joke. Lady Gaga could be fucking president for real. Yeah, it is fucked up. But more people would probably vote for Lady Gaga than have voted for Obama because only like half the people in the country vote ever, right? So out of those half the people, only one half of them voted for Obama.

How many people is that? More would vote for Lady Gaga. It's so important to educate yourself. It's like that wonderful Thoreau quote. I see men everywhere striking at the branches of evil while none are hitting the root. You got to know what the root is. It's like that wonderful Thoreau quote, I see men everywhere striking at the branches of evil while none are hitting the root. You got to know what the root is. That's right. He had some great quotes. He had some great quotes. You've got to know what the root of the problem is. And when you learn

where the head of the snake is, then you can be more effective. That's why being educated about that is very important. You need to know where the head of it is. Otherwise, you're striking at branches and never at the fruit. Well, the head is money and the head is also the fact that we're basically the same animals that were hunting and gathering thousands and thousands of years ago with all these crazy needs and this desire to be the alpha dominator of the earth. And we've always acted in the same way. Every nation has acted in the same way. Every nation has acted in the same way. You get power. You exert that power.

You control more resources. You try to move forward. They've always done that, always. This is where – but this now is when ideas and winning the argument really counts. This is when a debate about, OK, so if it's money and politics or if it's – what does that mean? Does that mean now that it's the size of government? And what does that mean? And does that mean you have to shrink government?

What does that mean? How do you do that? There is a methodology to this. But these are where the questions have to be answered and they have to be debated and thought about. Well, the problem is there's no incentive to shrink government. The government does not want to shrink. The people that work for the DE government does not want to shrink. The people that work for the DEA do not want less drug laws. Of course not.

Because then there's going to be less DEA age. That's right. And that is a problem with big government. And that's a gigantic issue. It restricts our liberty. When you have a government that's that big a part of GDP, to do business as a company, you have to have a pipeline to Washington because that's how you get tax favors, et cetera.

And who are these people? Are they people that really have passion for this? They really want to change the world? Or are these people that just got a job? Wow. And then once they got a job, they're subject to all the human emotions and needs and greed and ego. The scary thing, the really scary thing that Lawrence Lassick talks about in another book

called So Damn Much Money, the scary thing about the way Washington works now is it's become its own industry. And what I mean by that is when you work on Capitol Hill as a congressman, you spend six, seven years making 80, 90, 100 grand, 150 grand a year. You know why you do that for six, seven, eight years? You're building context. You take a short drive over to K Street where all the lobbyists live. And now you start working for a lobbying firm. And you have a Rolodex of people you know. So you move over there and you get a job at a lobbying company and they pay you $500,000, $600,000, a million dollars for your contacts because you used to be a senator or you used to be a congressman. So now a city bank or some corporation comes to you and

says hey you got a lot of contacts your rolodex we want to hire you my friend because you know everybody in washington because you just spent eight years on capitol hill so we're gonna we're gonna hire you as our lobbyist and we need we need some influence in washington and now you become a senator or a congressman not necessarily to change things you can come become a senator or a congressman, not necessarily to change things. You can become, because it's a very lucrative, it is a farm team. It's the farm team to the majors, and the majors is over on K Street as a lobbyist. That's what's happening, and that's why we have 13,500 lobbyists working at Washington any time. That's why the nine counties around Washington, D.C.

are the richest in the country, but they don't produce anything. What's going on, man? What's going on is that it has become an economy of influence, and Washington itself is big business. That's a problem. It's a huge problem,

and it's totally, completely unnecessary. Only on the Joe Rogan show. It's counterintuitive to progress because you're only going to go so far with that system. That system is set up to help the corporations. Corporations are set up to make the maximum amount of money. Everybody go do your goal. You're not going to move society forward.

You're going to run into some bottleneck and that bottleneck is either environmental or it's cultural or it's financial or they realize the economy they set up is really a fucking sham and it all falls apart in everybody's face. You got to wait in line for bread. Like the whole thing has to be stopped and you got to look at the human beings together

have to look at each other as equal, as brothers and sisters, as people that could be your best friends. And no one's doing that. Everyone's an enemy. You're talking about a change in consciousness. I'm talking about the absolute potential that human beings have in this generation. I'm not talking about some airy-fairy woo-woo shit. There's a reason why a guy like Deepak Chopra gets so many people to listen to him because all that woo-woo nonsense and whatever, there's a grand desire for consciousness evaluation.

And connection. For connection, for a better world for there's a grandest i think it's just happening around us far quicker than we have uh have grasped and realized and then these trends are in place so you're optimistic about the future yeah man once we got past december 21st i was like well good the mayans are wrong i'm optimistic as well this is the best time feed your alive ever. Feed your mind. Feed your mind. There's never been a better time than this.

It's rife with fuckery. There's all sorts of nonsense and chaos. But yet, it's still fucking amazing. These are incredible times. And for us, I don't know if Melissa Etheridge is correct. I don't know if you really do create your own destiny. She may be correct. But we've created a fucking amazing destiny if that's true.

I mean we all have these incredible jobs. We're all having so much fun. We're all feeding off of each other. Whether it's you or Diaz or Duncan or Brian or Ari or Bert or any of these people that we're hanging around with and enjoying each other's company together. We have some strange energy going on right now, man. And I think that that is possible for the whole world. I think that it's possible for the whole world if there's enough resources, if there's enough food and water, if it's possible for the whole world to slowly but surely come together and work together.

It's not necessary to have massive amounts of conflict. It's certainly becoming much easier to empathize and have a virtual experience of what it's like to be someone else. When you see some girl in Iran who's protesting and she's dying in her father's arms because she got shot by a sniper and you see the look in her eyes, you as a human being go, man, that person is suffering just like I am just because they're a Shiite Muslim or whatever they might be. So there's terrible circumstances in this life. There's terrible situations, there's terrible environments, but there's also humans in all these environments, all of them. And we have got to figure out a way to let humans be aware that

the richest and most rewarding way to live this life is in fellowship with other humans. And it's not impossible to do. We're programmed as young people to think that it's impossible, that no one's ever done it before, and that it's all just chaos and war, and that's how the life is, and that's just got to be hard. A cynical mentality, yeah.

It's not. If there's two people that can get along, and four people can get along, and 50 people can get along, the diffusion of responsibility that comes from hundreds of millions of people is not necessary. And that is, I think, what's changing because through the internet and through communicating with each other, we are connecting in a way that we didn't feel connected before. Where the 300 million people all really are have access to each other. We really all do have access to each other.

And that's the end of the show. Well, well... I don't know if that's right, ladies and gentlemen. I might be full of shit and a meteor might hit us tomorrow or the aliens might come in and fuck your mother

on the dining room table right in front of your dad with a big, giant alien dick. And you can say to me, Joe Rogan, you fucking hippie. You were wrong, bitch. We can't get along.

War! Freedom! Come to Governors. Come to Governors. Come to Governors and go see Brian Callum. This Friday, this Saturday. Levittown, Long Island, correct? Yep. 10-minute podcast, Brian Callum show.

Powerful Brian Callum. Thank you to Ting. No, who's today? Thank you to Hover.com. And if you go to Hover.com forward slash Rogan, you will get 10% off of your domain name registrations. That's Hover.com forward slash Rogan. Go there. Support them. They are very cool.

They support our podcast. And they have a very ethical company. Thanks also to Onnit.com. If you go to O-N-N-I-T, use the codename Rogan, you will save yourself 10% off any and all supplements for people that want to get their life to work better or some shit. Whatever, fuckers. Tomorrow, the great Dana White will be here with us. And then this weekend, there's a badass UFC and a show at the Grove Friday night with me and Mad Flavor, a.k.a. Joey Diaz. Much love to all of you, my friends.

We send it out to the universe. We love the shit out of you. Thank you. Thanks for having me on. Thanks for having me on. Thank you.