The Joe Rogan Experience - #343 - Bill Burr

Episode Date: March 26, 2013

Bill Burr is an American standup comedian and also hosts his own podcast called "Monday Morning Podcast", available on Spotify.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! Powerful Bill Burr. This is going to be something where guys like you, especially comics in general, but comics from Boston, I will always have a soft spot in my heart for comics from Boston. So no flying kick today, right?

No, I've never given you a flying kick. How dare you? How dare you, Mr. Burr? It's just a question. Last time I saw you, you stopped by to say hi at the Wilbur Show, man. That was cool. You came down and risked your life at the end of the world. Oh, yeah.

December 21st. Oh, yeah. You and Stan Hope. I had to do it. Then I heard you gave me a shout out and I already left because my girl came by with the car. I had to hustle out there. And I felt like an asshole.

Oh, no, no. No worries, man cool it was cool seeing it was fun yeah that was uh one of the weirdest events that i've ever done because we i don't usually do like theaters in hollywood if i'm in hollywood i'll do like the improv or i usually do pasadena i usually work the ice house so to do like the wiltern it was like it was one of those big events that all these agents come down to that you don't know. And I remember there's a point during the show like where it had already started and we were in the green room. It was you and me and I think Stanhope was back there too. Like two guys that I knew and then everybody else I didn't know.

There's all these agents and they're all eating my food and drinking my beer. They're sitting there picking at the stuff. I actually feel bad because I know my core group of people, and then there's people that I know that I've met before. But it's just like I don't see you – I see you every couple of years. Right, right, right. So I actually feel bad sometimes. I don't ever feel bad when they all just show up in the green room and just have conversations. I'm like, this is so strange because it was people from all sorts of different agencies like the honey honeys bands

people and all these other i tried to go in there and i couldn't get in it was ridiculous right it was packed i wasn't allowed in you would you didn't have a badge no joey diaz like you're not allowed down there bro what i don't know why joey diaz didn't allow you in there come over here come over wow he's tired of your bullshit yeah that's a place I would love to play just because I've seen a lot of great bands there and really good shows. Yeah, I only got to see one other show there before. I saw Robert Schimmel. He was doing a show back in the day for Tom Likas. He was doing a show at the Wilton.

I was like, wow, what a cool theater. But when we decided, Stan Hope and I, many, many years ago ago decided that we were going to do a show on december 24th 2012 so if the end of the world really did end like everybody thought it was going to the mayan apocalypse we would at least be doing a show together oh that's cool yeah so when it happened and i was a little anticlimactic you know just drove home went to sleep. No meteors, no aliens, nothing. No Kukulakan or whatever the fuck his name is. No Quetzalcoatl. Yeah, I don't pay attention to any of this.

Yeah, good for you. I'm not up on the Mayan calendar. Well, they lost a lot of fucking credibility. I'll tell you what. They're like Jimmy the Greek in 98 or whatever it was when he went down. Jimmy got fucked. Jimmy got fucked because he told the truth, God damn it. He told the truth.

He basically was breaking down. Dude, it was basically, if what happened in Amistad was true, it was like you boiled it. How strong you had to be physically and mentally to make it. Right there, you got rid of anybody weak. Dude, you don't

see any regular African dudes coming over here playing fullback, running over people. They're marathon runners. Yeah, they're skinny guys. Yeah. Even though like the big ones like the Maasai, they're like really thin guys. Dude, there's certain groups – Armenians, Russians. They're just like – I would never mess with any of them. Yeah, they're hard people.

We got a lot of Armenian MMA fighters. Hard fucking people. I think they come out of the womb with like a shaved head. They're ready to grapple. All of them do. There's a guy down at the car wash where I go. He owns the thing. And he's like 55, 60, but he's still solid. And he talks about how he used to grapple and all that.

And I laughed. I go, dude, do all you guys know how to grapple and wrestle? And he just goes, yeah. Yeah, we do. Armenians. A lot of Armenians know judo too. There's like a big judo contingent. Badass, badass people.

Tough motherfuckers and proud. Like they're real men too. They're men. I have my friend Armin, Armin the Armenian. He was telling me a story once and he was dating this girl and she got mouthy with him. And he grabbed her by her neck and pinned her up against the wall. And he's telling me this. And I go, why did you do that?

He goes, she's fucking Armenian. She should know better than to talk to me like that. He goes, it's one thing if some white bitch starts talking to me like that. And he goes, this fucking Armenian bitch gets in my face. Because he's Armenian. He's like, bitch, you don't know your place? Like, you know our people? And I was like, wow. Like, that's like, bitch, you don't know your place? Like, you know our people? And I was like, wow.

Like, that's a fucking hard environment you're coming from. Like, he was justifying grabbing his girlfriend by the neck and pinning her to the wall because she said something. Just in defense of him, what did she say? Yeah, exactly. Kidding, kidding, kidding. You had a bit about that, about, fuck, what was it? We want to know what a girl said before a guy did something. Oh, yeah, the Rihanna bit.

Yes, the Rihanna kiss crowd. Like, what happened right before that? You want to get some ice cream over there? He just starts throwing punches. Or was there, you know? Wait, was there something? Yeah, I'll fuck all your friends. Oh, shit.

I already fucked them. No. Yeah. Yeah. There was some sort of button pushing, I would guess, that went on. And she thought it was only going to go halfway up the building and it went to the roof. Yeah, right away. He was driving too, right?

That's like when the dudes go to the zoo and they start fucking with some animal and they think it's a joke. And then all of a sudden that thing reaches through. You're like, oh, my God, this is real. Yeah, like when a lady gets too close to the polar bear thing. You ever see that video? Get a gun. The polar bear has a hold of her leg with its teeth and is trying to pull her through the cage. And she's screaming.

Her leg is snapped. Her femur is snapped. You know what's amazing about that is if people didn't get there in time, he eventually would have had the power in his back and his neck to pull that woman right through there. Yeah, he would have chewed her apart. He would have got whatever he could get out of that one piece of leg, and then he would have reached through and pulled chunks of her head. He would have been eating her. The best thing that could happen when a polar bear comes at you is they're not in a cage because at least it's over quick. But if they're in a cage and there's no one around, you're slowly going eaten to death because it's gonna hold you down oh yeah i would stick a fucking artery

right in his mouth that one in your inner thigh go ahead take a chomp yeah you'd probably bleed out from the leg the leg's a good spot to get bit by a polar bear so you're not gonna last long especially inner thigh you don't want to survive a mauling is this the one or the lady? Oh, Jesus Christ. This fucking stupid lady. Crazy person decides to get close enough to a fucking polar bear that it can reach out and grab a hold of her leg. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Binky. Oh, God. What a cute name. Take off your belt and use it as a whip. ... jaws of Binky, a nearly 1,000 pound male polar bear... Oh my God. ... is 29-year-old Catherine Warburton from Sydney, Australia. Her leg looks 50.

That fucking leg is marbled. ... because her legs were through the... There's a video. We played it on the show before. And he hit his paws around her legs and was chewing on her. Catherine had jumped over two low-lying barricades, hoping to get a close-up photo of Binky in his cage. Instead, Binky got the close-up.

Binky has plunged his canines directly into Catherine's leg. Now they do a 3D animated fake version of it. That's badass. ... and spaced wider apart than in other bears. Wow. That extra space allows them to grasp and tear. Dude, they can kill a walrus. Oh, yeah.

And they only kill. It's the difference between polar bears and grizzlies. They don't eat any vegetables. There's no plants where they live. Throw that camera at it. No, it's not good enough. The best thing you can do there, honestly, is either stab it in the eyes or grab a belt and wrap it around its neck and choke it unconscious.

But you'd have to get close enough to put your arms around its neck and hope it doesn't let go and snap your arms as you're doing that. Two words, zoom button. Fucking moron. HP cams are really cheap nowadays. Yeah, this is a long time ago. She probably had a really cheap two megapixel jammy. I would have loved to have seen how quick that thing closed the distance,

like the closing speed of that, like a cornerback. It can make up distance with the wide receiver. And the cornerback thinks the dude's wide open, and all of a sudden it's picked off. That's like what just happened. She's like, oh, it's over there. Your leg is in its mouth. Have you ever seen how fast a bear can run up a tree? Oh, it's sick.

It's insane. There's a video. Brian, see if you can find this. What is going on here? Where is this person? Girl trapped in polar bear cage. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. Look just to her left. A bear is under the surface.

Only a rubber ring distracts it from its grip on her. Oh my god. Finally though, she's dragged on her. Oh my god. Finally, though, she's strapped to safety. Oh my god. Fucking wet jacket. The seconds before, the woman had been in a bear's grip. Oh my god.

Is that her head? Yeah. They grabbed her trousers and arm. How did she get out of it? They got her by the trousers and pulled her back in. She probably was just bored. That weapon, that little plunger thing. But this was far from a game.

Witnesses looked on as six keepers distracted the animals with meat. With meat. Here's some easier meat. You know they have backup meat. They got backup emergency meat, break glass. Yeah, what if they didn't have any? They got there like, shit, there's no meat. Get the frozen meat.

It's not gonna work. There's a video of a couple guys hunting. They're in a hunting blind, and they're sitting there, and they're hunting for bears. And this fucking bear runs up the tree beside them. And I mean, the guy's like maybe 25 feet in the air. The bear is

up to him in one second. And I'm not exaggerating. It's just they just fucking giant bear scoots up the tree. It is fucking terrifying. The bear didn't do anything. The guy just froze. That's it. This one? Top one? What does it say?

Sasquatch and black bear adrenaline at its best. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly it. Yeah. When this fucking bear runs up this tree, try to find out where it is where the bear runs up. It's fucking ridiculous

because the guy is in the stand and it just decides it makes this mad sprint up the tree right next to him. Here it is. So the guy's looking down.

He's like, there's the bear right there. So this fucking bear just goes for this out of nowhere. Like, right there. So this fucking bear just goes for this out of nowhere. Like, watch this. Watch this. That bear passed him.

What the heck are you doing? Now watch this. They get a film of the bear. What is he laughing about? Well, he's got a fucking gun. You know, I mean, I think he's probably laughing because he's terrified, too. Yeah, I think he's scared shitless. And now watch, the bear's right beside him.

He's trying to get the camera on it. It's just chilling there in the tree. Look how fucking high that thing got in like a second. It was like one second. You know that clause. You ever see a guy climb a telephone pole with those old spikes? They have those built in like Wolverine. They just go right up the tree.

And then he lets the thing go down. Then he shoots it with an arrow. Check this out. What a dick. Keep it playing. Keep it playing. Watch. The thing runs down.

The thing's up there. It's like, all right, I'm not going to kill you. I'll let you go about your way. It seems like you're just sitting in a tree. And so the guy's like, yeah, look what I got here. Ooh, it's a compound bow. Hmm. So as that bear, like, just got done checking them out from lunch height.

I mean, it was like mouth to face. It was right there. He waits for the bear to go back to the barrel. By the way, the barrel is filled with food. They bait these bears. That's how they hunt bear. A lot of bear. These dogs, in other ways, they tree them.

There's a whole bunch of different He's going to fucking put one right through their face. I don't want to see that either. That's bullshit. But you eat them. They're delicious. Look, that thing could have – there's no Native American that would have done that. First of all, they wouldn't have been dumb enough to let it happen. They would have had some great code about – they used to have some ceremony when they

killed a bear because a bear was so much like a human, like its mannerisms and that type of thing. Really? I overheard it in a bar. There you go. Could be true. Could be true. Could not be true.

We were on the podcast yesterday. I guess at that point you want to get down from the fucking tree. So you got to shoot. I guess that's what it is. Because what if it comes back this time? And he's on the bottom. Yeah. And it just runs at him.

Yeah. That's a dumb. You know what? Strike that. Smart move. Smart move. And he was there for that in the first place. I mean, that's the reason why the bear was there.

That's the reason why he was there. But I feel like he spared him. The bear did? The bear spared him. I'm really putting human traits on this bear. It's stupid. I think the bear's just- That's how you die in the woods.

Too dumb. The bear's just too dumb to figure out what the fuck's going on. The bear was a good shit, dude. He's a good guy. Oh, he came up. He could have suckered him. He didn't. He said, hey, settle down.

And he goes over to his car and He hits him with a fucking arrow. How rude. An arrow from 20 yards. Can you imagine what it would have been if he got the right tree? If he did have the right tree? Imagine that. Just having this bear come up and just grab you. Fuck.

It's amazing how close animals come to victory sometimes. And it's just the one little thing they just lose a meal. They're missing that chromosome. They're missing that thumb. That's like the fastest I've ever seen a bear climb a tree i didn't know they would get up a tree that fast oh yeah your best bet is you have to get up so high that they're nervous that i guess that the tree's gonna break but then you're up there what depends on what bear too grizzlies don't climb trees i've never been bear hunting i don't even know where what do you What do the words come from sometimes

Like what am I saying Shut up What you gotta do is When you're fighting a bear I've watched this on Discovery From an L-shaped couch Let me tell you what to do Now a black bear

A black bear This is what you gotta do Just start breaking it down Black bears are more likely to Climb trees They climb trees all the time Gri bears are more likely to climb trees. They climb trees all the time. Grizzlies apparently don't climb trees. So if you run up a tree from a black bear, they're never –

My plane crashed, if I ever have to use that information. But you never know. The plane crashed. You got to do what you got to do, Bill. Get your poop knife. I'm going to run a plane that starts going down. The first thing I'm doing is taking the seat belt off. Really?

I don't want to survive that. Covered in jet fuel, coming out with my slacks melted to my legs i gotta start gnawing on the fat fuck next to me just kill me good i had a great one i had a great life yeah why not right yeah why not it's over so uh you were talking about the we were talking about the jimmy the greek thing about jimmy the greek if for folks who don't know jimmy the greek was a famous football um commentator like would do the odds right take the bears lay in three it was back the 70s where you could you were allowed to talk about betting gambling yeah before the nfl was like wait a minute man what are we doing when men were men and uh he had the gall to uh insinuate

that there might have been some benefit to these African-American people breeding in slaves and that they bred. He was doing what I just did with bears, and he was having a drink in a restaurant, and somebody filmed it. It's like one of the original YouTube. Is that really what it was? Yeah, he's like in a restaurant. I thought it was an interview.

No, I believe he's in like a restaurant. I don't fucking remember. He was like in an interview, and he's like eating potato skins. And they're just like, what happened to all the white running backs? He's like, well, here's a theory. You're in a bar. Somebody asked a question. You're going to answer it.

They wanted to get rid of him anyway. I'm not saying what he said is 100% true, but it's like they wanted to get rid of him. They wanted to get rid of that guy because that was like back then. Like you make that video. Well, I guess they could maybe show it in a local newscast. But there were so many videos. There was a girl back then called Jane Kennedy, gorgeous woman, and some sex tape came out about her, one of the first ones.

And it just went around the industry, and she lost her job. Like there was no YouTube to upload it to, and they were all just like, this is absolutely. And then fast forward, you know, 35, 40 years later, it's like a career move. Yeah. No one ever saw that coming, like the Kim Kardashian move. I mean like those girls – Was that an accident or is she –

No, that's not an accident. Several camera angles. But she's like that brilliant to be like this is how – well, wait a minute. Paris Hilton had already done it. Paris Hilton got famous that way. So that's how she got famous. She had a famous boyfriend. She Hilton had already done it. Paris Hilton got famous that way. So that's how she got famous. She had a famous boyfriend. She was dating this guy, Ray J.

But it's usually the famous guy gets all the press unless you bang somebody else famous. Well, he got a lot of press from that. It's just he couldn't maintain it. For whatever reason, I mean, I think he's still big in his R&B community or whatever kind of music he plays. Right. But for whatever reason i mean it's not like he's an unknown he's a he's still a pretty known guy but she became no no i'm not saying whether he's known or unknown it's usually like the unknown person who's getting banged

it's you know it's like joe blow fucks a whore right you know like you're just you know right yeah it's a hottie or whatever but i guess she was so good looking people wanted to know who she was yeah like the dvr girl all of a sudden everybody's like who's that girl in the commercial the exotic looking one right and then you look it up yeah i definitely think that but i also think no i think um that she was like such a fucking rabid opportunist and it was in the same time that paris hilton really got more famous because of her sex tape and then remember when girls were just showing their pussies like they would climb out of cars and not know that the paparazzi had a fucking camera an inch from her

snatch I mean how many girls where they had those down low photos to the most ridiculous photos ever because it's so fucking obvious that you've you've you plan that the camera is below your pussy You're getting out of a car, and the camera's below your pussy looking up at it. Oh, they were doing that on purpose? Yeah. Fuck yeah. 100%.

Guaranteed. It's all like Paris Hilton. It was all these real dumb skanks. No offense. But all these really silly girls. Silly gashes. Those are the girls. The glitter phone girls.

Yeah, the knucklehead girls. And that was their move, to show their pussy. Isn't that amazing? They were getting famous. There's a distinct advantage as a woman. You got out with a kilt and you flashed your junk, I think that that would hurt you. You'd probably go to jail.

Yeah. It's offensive. Whipping out your cock is way more offensive than showing somebody your pussy. You can climb out of a car and show your pussy and no one will call the cops. I got to tell you, the completely shaved is the creepiest thing I've ever seen in my life. It's like I don't want to be – you look like a woman up here and you look – you don't like that?

No. It's amazing that it's so popular, that porn has made such a massive success. Like it's such a massive victory. Well, I think the toupee around the pussies kind of made a comeback they'll never go back to like full-on like you know energy crisis pussy hair you know jimmy carter's ford it's over yeah they won't go back to that but you know they keep it especially because of the asshole hair just no one no one's into that i heard somebody told me the other day that crabs is going extinct because no one has pubic hair anymore. That it's actually –

Oh, yeah. It's like they poured salt in the fields. Yeah. It's over. I have. Just mowed them down. Yeah, I have. We whacked them.

So the reason why I brought up the Jimmy Greek thing is this is one thing I wanted to talk to you about that I got in trouble with for saying that I didn't think that a transsexual man should be able to fight women. There's a man. Yeah, that's bullshit. Yeah. He got a sex change and then didn't tell anybody. Did he get a shoulder change? Was fighting as a woman. No.

He still got man shoulders. That's not fair. Looks just like a man. Okay. shoulders that's not fair looks just like a man okay got a got a sex change sort of fighting women and beat the fuck out of two chicks brutally before anybody figured out that he should have gone to jail for that that's what i say you ever see south park they go they talk about saying call the he now call it a she because it's not a she it's a mutilated man and i hate talking about this because whatever the hell you want to do is what you want to do

but like i draw the line where you know you got dude shoulders and man hands and you're going to go up there against Christina. I mean that's not fair. A long time ago they had that in tennis. And this guy was – he was killing it. Rene Richards. Yeah. Is that what it – I just – Yeah.

Terrible as a man. Didn't do well at all. Started playing as a woman. Got a sex change operation. It was just dominating. Just dominating, kicking ass in a way he never kicked ass before. Yeah. It's not fair.

Well, there's a lot of things that make it unfair. It's not just the frame. It's also spatial awareness. There's a difference in the genetics. There's also a difference in reaction time, a significant difference, 10% difference between men and women. Men have a 10% faster reaction time. That's pretty much across the board. Years of slapping each other in the head.

Years of being the first ones out there with a spear. Our bodies are just designed for different shit. When we were hunter-gatherers, we were hunters. You know, it's just we have that same body. Dude, there's something really wrong, not with getting a sex change operation, whatever. God bless you. But like to go in the ring. With women, the ring and beat the shit out of a woman, that's horrible. Especially fighting.

There's one thing if – and this is where I'm getting the stress from. This is where I'm getting the stress from. I'm getting it from feminists and I'm getting it from people that support transsexuals because they want a transgender woman to be considered a 100 percent woman. And they're like a trans – this is the argument I've been getting all online. A trans woman is a woman, asshole. A trans woman is a real woman. You're bigotry and transphobia. I'm transphobic apparently because I don't want men to get their dicks chopped off and beat the shit out of women. I mean, you know, I am 100% supportive of anybody.

It's sliced in half like a hot dog, and then they make a giant- Are you sure? I'm looking at it right now. Don't they make like a giant- Don't they- I don't know what they do. They call it a penile inversion, actually. Penile inversion, and then they got to like-

I don't know how they scoop out your taint. I mean, that's just hardcore. There's just got to be some stuff in there that you just- I don't know how they scoop out your taint. That's just hardcore. There's just got to be some stuff in there. That's like the crawl space under your house. You don't know what's under there. They probably just stand black. Listen, if someone wants to do that, God bless you. If you want to be referred to as a woman, I'm fine with that.

But don't get in a ring and start you know concuss round and pounding some woman with you know come on they take estrogen pills they shot up yeah they take shots but and their muscle mass does decrease and their their you know their bone density does decrease it does but there's just a massive mechanical advantage to the male frame when it comes to something like combat sports. The shape of the hips are different because no matter all the man can take all the estrogen in the world he doesn't really develop a woman's hips.

It's a completely different structure. And when it comes to kicking, that structure makes a big difference. What's that? He eats a lot of cheesecake. Sits on the couch. Gets his saddlebag. It's still not going to work. My, my body looks like Mariah Carey. No, it doesn't. Yes, it does.

No, it doesn't. It doesn't look like that. Bill Clinton had bitch hips. Your body looks like Ricky Lake. He had big mother and hips. Yeah, he did. I bet he had a lot of knee problems when he was jogging. Oh, I'm sure.

Blowing out the ACLs. He was fat as fuck, right? Yeah. What about the guy that has down syndrome that wants to fight yeah well let me we'll get to that too for sure but i thought that um the craziest thing about this is that these women in this desire to be super progressive and super supportive of gay rights and transgender rights, that they're willing to allow other women to get the fuck beat out of them. Because it's almost all women that got upset with me.

There's a few guys, like gay guys, that got upset with me. But quite a few women wanted that transgender woman to be recognized as a woman. And I said, like, I'm 100% supportive of someone doing that, and I'm willing to call them a girl and a she and whatever your name is i'm cool with that you know whatever i don't mind but the fighting men ladies but the girls it's amazing how much resistance i've gotten from this it's fucking it's really truly amazing well you know i mean everybody's entitled to an opinion yeah my opinion isn't going to stop them from doing anything like people get you know what it is it's just that you're kind of known you know what i mean in that area so

it's a good thing for them to hitch their wagon to yeah we're like i've noticed that a lot of people they don't really get offended by anything that i say it's because there's nothing to attach your wagon to i do right i do stand up in like strip malls so yeah i jumped on conan that that's usually the punishment if you're just to stand up right yeah what are you gonna well i mean and i'm not a dick to either do like if somebody came up like i i actually this is what annoys me about groups like that is i feel that when somebody says something you're offended it's very easy for them to get in contact with us very easy with twitter facebook all of that to to hear that make sure that they're hearing it right, to clarify what you say.

And they don't. What they want to do is create this hysteria. And then they get you on TV and you're on the split screen. And that split screen argument is not about finding some truth. It's just about winning. And then they go out there and as you start to make a good point, they'll go, see that? See that? That's just the ignorance.

They shout you down. And it's some of the worst TV you'll ever fucking see in your life. Those split screen debate things where you have three minutes to make your point, they're the dumbest ways to address a complex issue that anybody could ever get involved in. Yeah. That came from PTI, I think, on ESPN. It was a sports show with these two good friends. They used to yell at each other. Not yell, but they would make great points

and it would get heated sometimes. And it blew up because you know what it was? You saw the friendship there. And then they were just like, oh, they like when people yell. They just boil it down. And the next thing you know, everybody's just like, you know, screaming. Well, they always do that. They have like some guy whose kids got shot at school and then next to another guy who's like a fucking one of

those militia guys who thinks we should all have assault rifles and then pierce morgan pretends it's a debate they put two pitbulls in the ring is what they do and then they just sit back they go all right that's gonna kill eight minutes well we talked about it on the podcast you know that's when the discussion happened that got to the air so they had plenty of opportunity to see what i meant and what i didn't mean but they choose to only lock on to like some of the things that i said like it's a guy with no dick and you know and that's where they got really mad at because that's hurtful that's transphobic but technically it's accurate and i i understand what you're saying yeah it is a it is a guy who had his penis removed.

Yes, it is. Shaped in to try to look like he had female parts. But here's something weird I found out. When you do chromosome tests My Twitter blowing up right now. A lot of women have the Y chromosome. Actual just women. Real women.

Not hermaphrodites. You don't know what it means? Women are XX. Men are XYy the y chromosome is the differentiator between men and women everyone's born a woman i still respect the fact that you told me that like i'm going to retain that i'm not going to come in the next time when you bring that up be like but while this is going on i was thinking of you i was thinking man if bill burr was in this situation because you're just – it seems like with the Chris Brown thing, you're one of the few guys out there that will go there with a bit like that. Well, I want to know what the fuck she said before he hit her. There's a lot of people out there. Like my question was and it was an honest question was, do you have any personal responsibility for your own safety as a woman to not deliberately sit there and push somebody's button and get in their grill? You know, yeah. And get physical and hit and do all that.

It gets to a point of like my thing was like respect the fact that a guy isn't going to hit you. Don't take advantage of it. And it's like I don't know if that's right or wrong, but it was a question that these groups, you can't talk to them. You just want to ask them like, do you feel like, you know, like if you just go, well, that's why your mom's dead. And I hope you get fucking cancer, too. And just say this horrible, hurtful shit. Start pushing somebody. And it's like at what point are you guilty of provoking the next level?

If a woman got in your face and you were like seriously worried that she was going to hit you and you really felt like you had to defend yourself, would you hit her? No. Well, I would have – she would have to have a fucking machete. Really? No, I would have – she would have to have a fucking machete. Really? Like, no, it would have to be like – I would be doing that stuff just running around the walls. I got decent cardio, right?

I could wear her out. You say that. Women generally usually have better cardio than men when it comes to jogging. When it comes to the ones who jog. But a lot of them don't jog. Especially the ones who hit you. They're much more likely to have pent-up frustrations and not getting out with exercise no i dated a girl one time she she had some issues about when she would get mad she would get physical and i had to talk to her about it that saying that like you got to understand that the natural reaction to this is this you can't

just walk around hitting people that's so disrespectful. Yeah. And it's childish. And you need to grow up. Like, I had to have that conversation because, you know, it's in that split second when somebody blasts you in the face, either man or woman. It's like you're going into self-defense mode. You might even just out of reaction go like that. And, you know, a lot of times guys are so much bigger than women. That's a forearm. Then their nose is bleeding. And then you're down the fucking, you know station yeah and then you you have like a problem so um my thing in all those what what is you never learn anything you never learn like was this guy

just a bad guy and this was inevitable and what happened in his childhood can we deconstruct deconstruct this guy psychologically can we go back go back and figure what led to this event or was it like he has no track record of this and then all of a sudden it's just the right set of circumstances. And it's like, is this guy a bad guy? Is this guy an unlucky guy? Like what happened? But I mean I got to tell you. It's like the first punch you flipped out.

I mean once you're fucking setting up the jab, throwing combinations. It's like at some point you got to be in your head like i am hitting a woman but the conversation fascinates me and it's such a touchy subject what's annoying is that you can't like the amount of people who are listening right now with that scowl on their face like you can't even you can't unless you just go you are 100 right there is no reason to ever do it and you don't have to respect another human being on any level. And you can throw stuff at them and you can say stuff. You can, you know, push their buttons and do everything you basically can to get it to that point. responsibility there's nothing that you could do in the future to be like well hey next time you know this relationship's over the over but the next time i'm with a guy you know maybe i only you know ramp them up a couple of floors as opposed to just like dude you know that they know what to say yeah they know what to say and like a dude i mean how many fucking walls you know how many

lamps you just like oh like they just know they do they for they like well this is what you got to do I can give you the best advice ever cut them off cut anybody like that off I've had people like that in my life to try to get in fights with me I've had people like that don't want to argue all the time you cut them off even if they're hot even if they give good head even if they got a great ass ass. You just got to get rid of them. Charlie Murphy gave me the best advice. He was just, yo, he goes, woman ever comes at you?

He goes, you immediately lock yourself in the bathroom. He goes, and then call the police. That's good advice. Yeah. Just lock yourself in. He goes, you don't have any strike marks because they can, you know, he was talking about, you know, somebody was going to, you know, I don't know. That's a good move.

How the hell are we getting on this? Well, it's a good move. No, it's – well, it's controversy in hitting women. I've never hit a woman ever. Obviously. But I – I could never do it. But I would. If a woman was attacking me, I would knock her unconscious.

There's no doubt about it. I mean if a woman was coming at me with a knife it would almost try to hit me with the ball one haymaker right to the chops if you're gonna take them out take them out stop playing games if you're gonna hit a chick you gotta blast them right in the face most chicks are just not prepared for that dude i'm not prepared for that i'm prepared for it either nobody is but but i would only do it to save my life or my safety. But you never know, man. I've seen fucking chicks that can punch really hard. My friend Tommy, my friend Tommy Jr. has a girlfriend that works out all the time.

And we took her to one of those fucking things, one of those video game things where the bag pops out and you hit it and kaprang. You see like – Oh, yeah. I was trying to – she fucking hits hard. I was looking at it like, if this girl sucker punched me, I'm going to wake up with a flashlight in my face. Dude, you know what? I don't like watching when the women fight each other in Ultimate Fighting. Really?

I don't like it. Why is that? I think, you know what they should do? They should have them fight like convicted rapists, and the rapists don't know that the fight's going to happen. So they're like out of shape, eating all that prison food. They just come out there. They would have to be rapists in the right weight class. And they just get in.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. You can work all the details. And they just beat the living shit out of him. Still a man. But to sit there and watch two women like, you know what I hate? I hate when they punch each other and they hit their titties. It's like that's sacred.

In the last fight, Ronda Rousey and Liz Karmouche, I think Ronda Rousey got up kicked in the tits. She had to adjust before she got back to it. And you know they have a name for that within their circle, what that feeling is. Up kick to the tit. Up kick to the tit. So they got to have some sort of slang for it where, you know, it would be funny, but I would never want to take the ass kick, and it's how bad those girls could beat me.

Like somebody like two, three weight classes below me. Well, Ronda Rousey would be a good one because she's a grappler. She'd just get you in an arm bar. Oh, yeah, dude. I'm good. My training is, you know, four brothers, headlock, dual headlock, just throwing. Keep it from here to here so dad doesn't get mad. Keep it from chin to belt.

Yeah, keep it like that. No damage above the neck. If somebody starts winning, you're always punched in the hair. The back of the head? So the lump wouldn't show up. You know what's funny? We were learning basically how to beat a woman. So no one would know.

I didn't really look at it. But we would do it to each other. But I really think that it would be great if somehow you could teach women that because of all these dirtbags, these guys who do hit women. If you could teach them that so they could have that. To be able to defend themselves, yeah. Yeah. Well, grappling for a woman is almost always the best option uh because you have legs you know a woman's legs you know you think about

it can carry you and you know you weigh 130 pounds or whatever you weigh they're fucking carrying you around all day you can't do that with your arms so you could you know lock a man up in a triangle or an arm bar and fuck him up you know you really a woman like ronda rousey could break my arm easily if she got me in an arm bar for sure them up you know you really a woman like ronda rousey could break my arm easily if she got me in an arm bar for sure she could break my arm you know there's i don't understand why they send those kinds of people to jail like rapists and stuff you should just like shoot them in the street like a rabid dog that's how i feel yeah i was talking about kid yeah you do any of that that's it you it's over we had a guy we there was a video of some guy who's a

shooter a school shooter who's taunting the family of the victims. And I was like the only reason he's doing that is because he's in a court and because he knows there's laws and things are protecting him. They should beat that guy to death. And the family that's got to sit there and take that. Yeah. Who played by the rules. It's just like you'll never forget him taunting you and just like the fact that he's like still alive there's certain around the holidays he gets a decent meal yeah there's aspects to the law that that there's aspects to

all human behavior where we we have like workplace rules like you have to behave here you have courtroom rules where you have to behave like this. And that allows people to get away with some fucking ridiculous shit like that without getting killed. No, you're supposed to act civilized to someone who isn't civilized. And I get that to a certain point. But it's just like you're not going to cure what somebody is attracted to. Yeah. So if someone's attracted to kids, it's like they have to be removed. Yeah, there's no way you can cure that.

And it ruins a kid's life. Not only him, it ruins generations and generations. This is really heavy talk, man. But it's weird how that thing is like, what's missing is common sense. And the same can be applied to stand-up comedy.

When Tracy Morgan got in trouble for joking around about his son, saying he would stab his son if he was gay. Right. We all knew it was a joke. We all knew he was just saying he's being Tracy Morgan. He's being fucking completely outrageous. He starts 40 miles out of bounds and continues in that direction.

His whole act is being outrageous like that. It's ridiculous. But you know common sense goes, oh, is he a comedian? Is he telling a joke? Well, that's all it is. It might not be good. You might say, think he sucks that's fine that you're you're allowed i mean there's a broad spectrum of what people like and don't like the danger of joking about certain subjects as if it bombs yeah then oh yeah but if it kills i mean every there's that legend there's

always that legendary line that the one comic said that you're fucking trying to get out to your friends at a diner because you're still laughing because it was so ridiculous i always use brian holtzman's susan smith one susan smith was a chick who drowned her kids this motherfucker got on the comedy store stage a couple of days later and goes i heard those kids were bad kids i heard they sat that close to the tv they didn't pull away their blocks. They always spilled their milk. Those kids will not be missed. And we were just going, oh, no. That's hilarious.

Too soon. He's just so crazy. I heard a great one. I don't want to name the comic because I never talked to him to confirm it. But there was a plane crash in, I don't know, like North Dakota or South Dakota, something like that, someplace. And he goes on stage like within the year and is making fun of it. And some guy in the crowd just stands up and he's like, my wife was on that flight without missing a beat. He goes, great, let's dig her up and fuck her.

I was just like, wow. Wow. Wow. And if you're not a stand-up comic, you don't understand that because that's like literally he had to go to that level to win. Because if he went like, oh, my God, I'm sorry. The fucking show is over. The show is over. And then he's just going to be up there, hey, what's up with popsicles?

It's like you got to get too late, man. Turn your key. Turn your key, sir. It's over. We went nuclear. Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah, they both what it is. Yeah, they both had to turn the key at the same time and activate the button.

Let's take her up in the fucker. Holy shit. Well, you know what? Fuck that guy for standing up and saying that. He's at a comedy show. I understand that he might think it's offensive. You've got to know within the year if you're going in. Yeah.

I mean, Jesus Christ. I wouldn't go in, but I support your right to go in. Just like Johnny Cash didn't really shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Okay? It's fucking entertainment. He's painting a story. And a guy like Brian Holtzman isn't really happy that Susan Smith drowned her kids. The wife of the guy who actually got shot in Reno was not in the crowd.

Yeah, exactly. Well, that's true. Yeah. It wasn't a real event that he was shitting on. But that's part. There's a style of comedy that's like – I love that style. Otto and George would do that. Dice Clay would do that.

They're over the top, absolutely ridiculous, and there's something really funny about that. I love it. And I'm not backing down, and I'm going to say the most ridiculous, outrageous thing. It's a form of comedy. You might not like it, but to sit there and then act like this guy really wants to go do it and he really meant it.

It's ridiculous. It's like common sense. If you take that quote, and then all of a sudden you put it on a news show, I mean, just the context of it is insane. It's just like,

we're just taking this one line from an hour-long performance at a comedy club in a different state i you know it's so funny that when there was that sort of rash of those videos the amount of times that people told the joke and it killed in the club and then they would be like controversy at the laugh factory and then they cut to somebody and they tell the joke and you hear like it – it's like 99 percent of people laughed and one person gets offended. It's like there's no controversy. It's a good joke.

It's a good joke. It's just fucked up. It's not like it works. Yeah, but it's an opportunity for all these white knights to jump in and pretend they're offended and pretend that – to try to get feminine brownie points and step in and try to mark some notches on their side of the rock. Would you show up if they ever asked you to go on TV? what if they were just like joe rogan the stuff you said or most likely no taint crawlspace comment why don't you go on the internet and i'm on tv and defend because they would they would have control over it but i would have them come on the podcast if i felt like someone had a rational point and they were like worth debating you know maybe and

especially if i was exploring whether or not I was wrong. I mean I thought – I would do it and I would go on there and the whole time that person was yelling, I would just be hyping my dates. Just tell everybody where you're at. Rutherford, New Jersey. Jacksonville on the 18th. I would have a piece of paper just pointing. It would be the greatest thing.

Like I completely don't care. Bring up a calendar, a large calendar. Roll it out. This is the bill burke calendar look see if i'm gonna be coming to your town billburke.com yeah that is a good way to handle it because it is a fucking joke i mean you're operating within these five minute clips you're going back and forth a good solid point takes a few minutes to really establish and to give your point of view on a controversial topic you really have to cover a lot of different areas and that's not what they're trying to do they're just trying to want you to yell at you yeah they're trying to get you to yell at each other that would be the move the move would be to do that just start yelling billboard start yelling your dates you just completely ignore them i'm getting good at that i i had a had a

incident uh on the airplane going to indianapolis yeah with this this guy like i don't know this guy just started like interrogating me he thought it was some sort of flight risk about what i don't know he was on something i don't know what happened like i was sitting down so he's just a passenger yeah and i was i didn't know if he's a sky marshal but he ordered a doers in the beginning, and he just slammed it. So I'm like, this guy's not a sky marshal. This guy's boozing it up. So he just goes to me.

He's like – we're just sitting there. And he just says – he goes, hey, are you afraid to fly? Oh, God. And I'm like, what? He goes, are you afraid to fly? I go, no, I'm not afraid to fly. And he goes, is you sure? Because, you know, it's okay. You can tell me if you are. And immediately I'm looking, what? He goes, are you afraid to fly? I go, no, I'm not afraid to fly. And he goes, is he sure? Because, you know, it's okay.

You can tell me if you are. And immediately I'm looking at this guy. What do you mean it's like, okay? What is this like interrogation 101, build a relationship with your subject thing that you're doing here? And I was just like, no. He goes, dude. He goes, all right. Because, you know, he's just kind of fidgeting and looking around.

I was like, no, man. I go, I'm cool. He's like, oh, you like to fly? I'm like, when I'm up here? Because I bump myself up and go, when I'm back there, I don't like it. And then he goes, he's all right, but you can tell me if you're afraid to fly. So now I'm just like, dude, I'm not afraid to fly. And he's staring at me, and I put my hand like this to show that it wasn't shaking i go i'm not

nervous all right thanks for asking and then he goes well anybody can do that and i'm just like oh jesus christ and i just said look dude i'm drinking water you're drinking doers okay and he goes that wasn't doers right and i'm just like i fuck this guy so i'm sitting there you saw him order it huh you saw him order doers oh yeah i saw him order a Dewars. Oh, yeah. He said, let me get a Dewars. And she brought it over neat. And he threw it back like he was drinking baby milk. Right? I was impressed.

This guy's old school. Starting off good, right? So then there's like five minutes of silence. More passengers are getting on. And then the guy goes, hey, you know, I'm sorry, man. I just got off on the wrong foot there. He goes, my name's so-and-so. What's your name?

Asked me like what my name is. And I was thinking of saying something like Steve or some silly – Lenny Clark. I wish I said some silly name, but I didn't think of one. I just went, it's Bill. And he goes, oh, cool. He goes, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill? He started doing this shit.

And I just look at the guy and I go – I'm like, yeah, I don't have to answer your questions. Whoa. I don't. He has no fucking authority. You're not a sky marshal. You're drinking booze. You're an asshole. What do you want?

Are you afraid to fly? Go fuck yourself. Leave me alone. Right. So then he goes like, all right, now, now I'm concerned. Okay. I am concerned. Okay.

Why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill? Right. He says this, right? And they close the doors and they're doing all this stuff. And I just start like – I joked on my podcast. I just started smirking like Ryan Gosling. You know he does that little Mona Lisa smile? You just kind of smile.

And I'm just sitting there shaking my head at the guy, right? And I'm literally taking out my eye pillow. I wear like a mask just to say I'm so not worried about anything that you're going to fucking do. All this passive-aggressive shit just to piss this guy off. And not worried about anything that you're going to fucking do. All this passive aggressive shit just to piss this guy off. And he's like, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill? And I just kept I didn't say anything to him. I just kept laughing. Just kept shaking my head and was taxing

down. And he goes, dude, he goes, I fucking do this for a fucking living. He says, FFFF and all this stuff. The lady in front turns around, starts looking and we're taxing down the thing. He goes, you don't answer my questions right now. I'm going to hit that call button. I will hit that call button. I will stop this plane and you will be fucking arrested, like saying all this stuff. And I'm just looking at him smiling, shaking my head like, go ahead and push it, dude.

Let's see where the fuck this goes. This is going to be hilarious. What happens? Does the pilot come out? Does the police car pull up to the plane? No fucking clue. So he goes to push it and he can't find it. It was kind of a weird place.

And he finally finds it and he hit the button it it was kind of a weird place and he finally finds it he hit the button i'm like holy fuck he hit the button this is hilarious and i'm just sitting there he goes now you wait you fucking wait blah blah i'm just sitting there smiling shaking my head at him like dude i don't care i don't care you're not you have no fucking authority you're not gonna hit me you're not gonna do anything you're on fucking something right but i'm not getting that dude if that guy had a vibe like he was going to punch me, I would have been up in the aisles. But he didn't. He just had like that.

It was like a kid throwing a temper tantrum. He wanted like this. He almost seemed like he wanted to be an army ranger, but he didn't quite make it. What did he look like? He was like a wiry dude. He was in good shape. You know, wiry dude. White dude.

Like that dude who shot that Trayvon Martin kid who wasn't really a cop. Yeah. But he wanted to be a cop, so he took it to the next level. I could have squashed the whole thing and just been like, look, I'm a comedian. I'm going to Indianapolis. If you'd like to come out to the show, I could have done that, but I'm a dick. I hate fucking, I hate

authority. And this guy doesn't have any so fuck him. So I just laugh. Now he pushes the button. So then the stewardess comes over and she goes, yeah, what's the problem? He goes, this guy is a flight risk. I am not comfortable flying with him. But blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was surprised how few people were looking around. People just kind of sitting there and this guy was wigging out and I'm just sitting there. And then the stewardess was like, all right, did anybody else see any behavior? And the lady was sitting in front of him, pointed at him and said, yeah, he was berating. And she pointed at me. He was berating him. And I'm just like, perfect. So I'm literally putting my fucking eye mask down as I'm talking to him.

Just going, hey, I'm just a guy trying to go to Indianapolis. This guy is drinking Dewars and he's dropping the F-bomb. Then I'm thinking, fuck, I said bomb. You know, it was going to be a problem. But it wasn't a problem. And this guy is just doing this thing where he wants to win. He wants some sort of recognition of whatever the fuck he thinks he is. The plane is still moving.

No. At this point, it fucking stopped. It pulled over. I forgot that part. It pulled over and stopped. Dude, it's a fucking red eye. Okay? It stops.

Another steward comes over and he goes, what's the problem? And he goes through the whole fucking thing. And it's like basically the captain at this point is going, do I really have to come back there? It's like, really? The red-eye fucking flight? My last flight of the day? I used to fly combat missions. You know how fucking boring this is to fly this fucking bus?

I don't want to deal with this bullshit. Do I really have to come back there? And then they finally asked him. They said, hey, are you going to be comfortable flying with this guy? And he – I think they acknowledged that he had some sort of something there. So he goes, you know what? No, it's okay. It's going to be okay.

Whatever, right? That he had some sort of something. Like some sort of power that like they checked with him. Like you're going to stand down, sir? Like whatever fucking spy he thought he was. So now we get back in line and we're taxiing. And as we're going down the runway, I got my eye thing on and I'm just sitting there and he's yapping in my ear. He goes,

you think this is fucking over? You think this is fucking over? And at this point I'm laughing. I'm holding my stomach and I'm fucking laughing and just driving him nuts. And I'm having a fucking ball with this guy. And he goes, you know, my dad's the CEO of some fucking company in Indianapolis. And he starts saying that he's going to have me fucking arrested when I land. And he starts describing the view I was going to see from the jail, like some Law & Order episode. Did you get a picture of this guy? Did you take a photo? No.

Oh, how could you not? You should have been filming video this whole entire time. Yeah, that would be amazing. Can't you just be in the moment and not turn into a film crew? No, because then the story's even better. The universe gave me this fucking moment. I'm telling the story. I don't, you know.

So he fucking, so then I got my things down. And then finally he's going, yeah, oh, you're going to love the view from the jail. You're going to see Lucas Oilfield and blah, blah, blah, and all this shit. Lucas Oilfield? Yeah, that's where the Colts play. Tell me, Like this view. Dude, it was such hacky interrogation. Then he finally said,

he goes, you know what? I'm glad. I'm glad. You know what? I fucking hope you do something. I fucking hope you do something. We're up there, and I'm fucking bursting.

What? I hope you do something. And I'm sitting there with a blindfold on laughing at him. It was driving him fucking nuts. It was great. So then five minutes of silence, 10 minutes of silence goes by. And I'm finally thinking that maybe this shit's over or is he

just sitting there staring at the side of my head? And then all of a sudden I just hear right as I'm starting to nod off, I just hear, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill? And I just laughed. So, dude, my adrenaline was fucking going I was just like wow they're gonna stop the plane this is fucking intense man this is crazy

what's gonna happen and I'm totally innocent so I got to kind of watch it happen so then I couldn't sleep so I was sitting there with that stupid mask on for like a half an hour

and then finally I was just like ah fuck it I gotta take it off and I gotta deal with this guy and I take it off and I look over and he's just he's just passed out

head hanging this fucking you know special ops guy you know you should be passed out you should fucking waylay him with a huge haymaker right in the face and then immediately pretend you're asleep no no because someone would have someone would have seen that so i go all asleep no you know what i did was i immediately started pounding waters because i didn't have to go to the bathroom and i wanted to get up on the plane just to see if he was going to fucking wig out again. Make some sort of...

So you made yourself go to the bathroom on purpose? No, I started slamming waters. Just so you would have water in your body? Yeah, so now I have to go to a fucking bathroom like you can't believe and this fucking guy's passed out. I held it for the last hour. He didn't wake up until we landed

and then we pulled up to the terminal. And I got out, and I stood up, and he wouldn't look at me. And I'm thinking, hey, he probably slept it off, and now he's feeling fucking weird. Hopefully. And the lady in front of me got up, and she just goes – she smiled, and she said, hey. And I just said, hey. That was an interesting one. And then he had the pillow like this, Joe.

He had it behind here in some weird position in some sort of alpha male way. He tried to get some sort of tough thing, the last word. He took the pillow out, and he threw it down between his legs, and he grunted. He went like, ugh. He threw a pillow down.

That was it. That was my trip to Indianapolis. Oh, and then I worked at a theater, and Elmo was there, was in the big room, Elmo and friends from Sesame Street. Oh, before Elmo got busted? No, no, no, no. This was just the other room Elmo and friends from Sesame Street oh before Elmo got busted and

no no no no this is just the other day this is my past weekend well you know the dude who played Elmo did a bunch of gay shit with kids allegedly

allegedly yeah you can't say that you're right allegedly yeah so what this is a different Elmo no no no

this was Bert and the count were backstage I had to walk by him and they're just like chilling like the count's just sitting there I put this video up andurt and the Count were backstage. I had to walk by him, and they're just, like, chilling. Like, the Count's just sitting there. I put this video up, and they made me take it down because I had an unauthorized video of them.

But, like, I'm standing there, and I'm filming. I'm like, holy shit, there's Burt. What's going on, Burt? I think Burt's waving to me, and he's really waving off like no pictures. And this dude in the Burt costume comes walking up and is trying to slam the door in my face, but the peg thing is there. I thought it was a cute video. And it kind of went with his character. He's a dick on the show.

It totally made sense. But they made me take this thing down. Why would they make you take it down? I don't know if I'm legally allowed to show you. I can show you this, right? You can show it, and our lawyers will support you. How about that? There you go.

There it is right there. can show it and our lawyers will support you how about that there you go watch when he waves hey what's up guys holy crap

he's waving you off awesome no visitors Bert he's gonna slam the door on me. That's all it was. Dude, you've got to see this big stupid head that's walking up.

I can't believe they took that down. You know what it is? I get it. It's because, like, what had happened and then also, like, if, you know, I guess if kids, if they're, like, three years old and somebody takes off the bird head or, like, the big bird costume, they just see it hanging in the corner like it really fucks with them. So I get it. I took it down.

They asked you to take it down? Yeah. Who asked you? The lady who runs the tour. She knew I got video and I think I made fun of it on the podcast. Like they – she did her job. She's on point. I had that thing up for like 20 minutes and they were just like, yeah, take it it down i was like all right all right i don't think you have to take it down

if i was you well the way i look at the way i would legally argue it was i legally had the right to be there you left the door open i did not walk into the backstage area i filmed in that was somebody dropped the ball by having that door open. And they were at the same theater that you were? They were in the bigger – Elmo was playing in the big room and I was in the smaller room upstairs. What – you were in – this is in Indy? Indianapolis. This is after – I'm going there.

This is after that dude, that psycho, the psycho on the plane. This is this whole – this is this past weekend, this whole trip. Oh, this past weekend. Yeah. What theater were you doing? The Egyptian Theater. Beautiful place. Never done that.

I'm doing the Murat. You ever heard of that? No, I've never done stand-up in Indianapolis. It's great. Indianapolis is great. I had a phenomenal time. I just did Nashville. You ever do Zany's?

Like a zillion times. Fucking love that place. Oh, I saw your tweet with the Museum of Pictures. Yeah. You can get some comedians like, oh, my God. That's ridiculous. I took a picture of one of my buddies. I mean, this thing had to be from like 84.

And he had that, oh, boy, I'm going to make it, that look on his face. You know that wide eye. Who is it? I've never been fucked before. No, no, I'm not going to. I'm not going to. Come on. I never name names.

I don't name names. Because then what's going to happen is people are going to go there. They're going to take the picture. They're going to tweet it to the guy. But there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing right with it either, Joe. If I'm a true friend of the guy, I don't do that. You can't even throw him right under the bus.

There's nothing wrong with that. This is reminding me. Blowing rocks is really reminding me of Land of the Lost. Those are good for you. Those are Himalayan rock salt. I knew that. I know you did. Of course you did.

I just wanted to remind you. You put it in there and that salt, it just goes into your pores. The head shots. You don't crave bacon anymore? No, it's done. It cured me of everything. No more masturbating in the middle of the night. That's awesome.

The head shot wall in Nashville. One of the guys on the wall was, well, there's a bunch of them that are dead now. It's weird. Dennis Wolfberg. Oh, he was a bunch of them that are dead now. It's weird. Like Dennis Wolfberg. Oh, he was a beast. Yeah. Richard Jenney. Richard Jenney's on the wall.

Richard Jenney, he's one of my all-time greats. If I had to pick like a 10, top 10 all-time, I'd put Jenney. And he was on that Carlin road, too. He was putting them out like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, like an hour, another hour, another hour. But unlike Carlin, he was upset. He didn't want to do that wanted to be like jim carrey you know he wanted to be a movie star and uh he wanted to be seinfeld he wanted to have his own show or something something along those lines and it just didn't click for him yeah he would uh he would always be bummed out when he was on the road i would always hear stories from uh people that worked in clubs with him he was

just unhappy didn't want to be on the road. Meanwhile, the guy was brilliant. So I was going to say, you can get away with a lot of shit. It's kind of good to not have a TV show. Once you start selling tickets, then it's like, I played hockey yesterday at like 3 in the afternoon. You're never going to get any freer than that. And you're going to get a show, but it's not your show. It's their show. Compare it to when your parents, when you were a kid, and they gave you a bicycle.

You know what I mean? It's like they gave you the bicycle. It's your bicycle. But when you screw up, you get grounded, and they take you a bicycle you know what i mean it's like they gave you the bicycle it's your bicycle but when you screw up they take the but you get grounded and they take the bike away so it's not really yours even if it's your name on it you know you're not an adult yeah like you you're going into like the matrix so i i would have it's it's like a real sort of epiphany that i've had in this business that i have that information now and i don't know what to do with it because it's not like i'm going to start my own network like i don't know what to do well you don't have to do anything other than what you're doing you're you're a great stand-up comedian that's the thing being a stand-up comic allows

you to say whatever the fuck you want like you were saying nobody gets on your case if you say something fucked up because they're not connecting you to a show they're not saying oh bill burr of fox news said this right you know it's just a comedian. No, there's a lot of advantages. Yeah. To right where I am. So I'm kind of like, you know, I don't know. Do you get pressure from like agents or something to do other things? No, I've been doing great, man. I went on a nice run of doing some movies and I did a couple of TV shows and it's great.

But I like doing the movies because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Right. Like it's like, okay, we have you for three to six weeks or whatever. It's like, okay. And, you know, I six weeks or whatever. And it's like, okay. And, you know, I'm just going to do this. I'm going to hammer this out. I'm going to know all my lines. I'm going to be on time and be a professional.

And once I get through this, then I'm going to, you know, on the weekends, you know, I'll go out to, like, Flappers, Burbank, just to stay sharp. And then once that's over, I go back out on the road and I get going again. But, like, the whole – the idea of being on a TV show and playing the same guy for potentially five years is overwhelming to me. It's scary. Yeah, it's overwhelming. And I – especially those people who do, like, one-camera shows, like, how hard they work. Like, they're doing, like – it's like 12, 13-hour days of, like, going, you know, hey, how's it going? Oh, it's great.

Cut. Back to one. Yeah. Hey, how's it going? Oh, it's going great. Cut. All right. You know, this time do it. Hey, how's it going oh it's great cut back to one yeah how's it going oh it's going great cut all right you know this time do it hey how's it going great and then cut okay we're turning it around we gotta do the master and all that like they they work harder than i've ever worked in my career like stand-up is in real time. You go on at 8, do an hour, and it's done in an hour. You shoot an hour of TV, one camera, and it's like you're going to be –

like those people, I have such a tremendous respect for how hard people work on those things. And I don't think I have the work ethic. Yeah, single-camera shows, what you're talking about, folks don't know the terms of the business. They're like law and order or most dramas. Sitcoms, what they do is they use many cameras in front of a live audience. And even though that's hard in the beginning, once they get rolling, then it becomes pretty easy. Like when you did news radio, how soon before you guys were like, okay, we don't got to come in Monday? Did you ever get to that point?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got to the point where sometimes we didn't come in Tuesday. We didn't come in Monday or Tuesday. We'd do a whole show in three days because they would have a problem with, like, the script. Something would be wrong with the script. Like, we would have script changes, like, the day of, like, many crazy script changes. Those were the days, man. Like, if I, you know, I wish that those things would come back because that really was – that's the dream acting gig.

Oh, my God. Oh, it's the greatest acting gig of all time. But quite honestly, when I did it, I really appreciated stand-up. And when it was over, I was happy it was over. I mean it wasn't happy because I loved those people that I worked with and it was a great show. But I wanted to do stand-up. And the same thing with Fear Factor. Fear Factor, much clearer.

News radio was way more fun and satisfying to do. But same thing, when it's over, I'm like, ah, stand-up is just the best. And then now stand-up and podcasting together, I would, you know. Yeah, it's like how are you going to be happier than that? I can't. Even the UFC, even the UFC, which is a great gig. I love the UFC. But if anything ever came up with the UFC and said, hey, you have to choose between one or the other, I'd be like, you guys take care. I had a good time.

You've got to bet on yourself because that's the game. Well, not only that. The game is they pull you. I sound like a paranoid guy, but they fucking pull you in. Dude, you know what it's like? I remember when I first came to New York City or there would be guys who just work one club. It's like, why would you ever do that? Now all you need is one falling out

and you have no spots. It's like you gotta be playing the field so they can't get you under their thumb. Yes, that's very important. Well, that's what I did with the comedy store when I was living in LA or when I was working in LA all the time. I did the comedy store every weekend. I didn't or when i was working in la all the time i did the

comedy store every weekend i didn't do anything else i very rarely did anything else like sometimes i did thanks buddy sometimes i did the uh the improv like for new years or something like that but almost every weekend i was at the store and then when i had that falling out with the store i was like what am i doing like why why would i allow them to have any power over where i can work or don't work? Fuck yes Yeah, that's that's a good mentality and sometimes it can't hurt you though Tim Allen stopped doing stand-up when he was doing home improvement because he had that like real you got him You know for the time a fairly blue act and he was doing this super family show

Where it was, you know ABC Not blue but And he was doing this super family show where it was ABC. I didn't think he was that blue. I thought he was – Not blue, but potentially controversial. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Well, look, a guy like that – and you're talking about a guy whose career started right after he got out of jail. For selling coke. That guy's just like, listen, I paid my dues.

Like I don't begrudge any of those guys who get to the point where they just say, I just don't want to go on the road anymore. I'm happy with the show. And, you know, writing on a show, like, I totally get that. Like, it's all, you know what it is? It's like none of it is selling out if you're okay with it. Right. The other thing selling out is it's an internal thing. It's not other people saying it. It's literally like if you're not okay with it and you do it anyways because of the money, then you're selling out.

But if you're all right with it and be like, listen, I'm married now. I got a couple of kids. This is an easy acting gig. I can be here when my kids grow up. That's not selling out. Yeah. It really isn't. I don't think anyways.

Well, the only thing that's selling out is if you stop doing what you want to do as well. Like if they come up to you and say, Bill, we really like the way you play drums. We want you in the band. God, I wish that would happen. But no talking. No more talking for you. You say you wish that would happen, but you wouldn't be able to do that. No, I would just love somebody to compliment my drumming.

You always want to compliment. Compliments on your hobby right so much better oh yeah like if you say a dentist god damn you're a good dentist yeah i've done a million of these but if you actually just sit there and be like wow did you build those cabinets well matter of fact i did that's so like so true yeah the thing that you know you suck at that's so true like my pool playing that's probably the worst thing that i do but if someone compliments me on my pool playing. I heard you're a good pool player.

I am, but I'm not a good pool player for a pro. If I was a professional. So for a regular person, they're like, whoa, fucking Jesus Christ. What are you, a professional? But if a professional said, oh, you play good. See, that's why you're so successful. You're trying to get – you just don't want to be able to beat the guys down at the Dave and Buster's or whatever. They have pool tables there.

Ground rounders. The Regal Beagle. You know, I was always bummed they never showed the Regal Beagle. Yeah, what the fuck? They can't have another set? They pulled so much ass out of the Regal Beagle. Dude, Larry upstairs. We're talking

Three's Company for the youngsters. Larry upstairs was crushing crushing it that guy was probably the first herpes case what i love about him was he was just so crushing ass and didn't didn't care and the character was not considered offensive it's like that guy exists yeah that's the guy who's never in a relationship and uh he's just you, got the chest hair going. That was like the early 80s, right? Wasn't it? Late 70s into early 80s. Yeah.

Late 70s, early 80s. I love that show. It's a great show. I worked with him. I'm one of the few that thought they were both hot. Chrissy and Janet. What about the middle one?

I had no problem with any of them. Which Chrissy was your favorite? The first one. The first one, yeah. Suzanne Summers. Suzanne Summers? Yeah. She seems just like a fun person too.

But that's like a perfect – I can't believe I said that and nobody threw anything at me. She just seems like she'd be fun. I agree. Like you could do things. You could cook with her. She's a perfect like almost like the quintessential story of someone getting too big for their britches and fucking up in Hollywood though. Because she was on this massive hit show,

and she demanded so much. Like, her management and whatever, they were trying to, like, squeeze every ounce of blood out of the show. Yeah, they tried to do the next Farrah thing. So the show, like, locked her out. Like, they're like, oh, yeah, you're on the phone now. Like, you don't even...

Like, they did episodes where she would call in. Like, Chrissy would call in. Like, hey, guys, how you been? How much fun did the writers have writing those? Oh, they must have had so much fun. They just got rid of her. Now you're calling in. Oh, that's brutal.

Yeah, and she was fucking basically done. I mean, what was the last thing she did after that? How great were her legs when she did the Thighmaster? She's pretty hot, but I don't think she had legs like women today have. She's the sheriff. She did that for a minute. Women today have. She's the sheriff. She did that for a minute. Women today have, like, muscles. Like, there's, like, women today that do, like, CrossFit.

They do, like, weightlifting and shit. They have, like, a different shape to them. It's more of a meaty shape. She didn't have that back then. Those 70s bodies, you know. She looked pretty good to me with that. I still remember the thing. I just said it, and I forgot it, but.

Thighmaster. Thighmaster, yeah. Yeah. I still remember the thing. I just said it and I forgot it. Thighmaster. Thighmaster, yeah. Yeah, the spring stupid fucking thing. Actually, it'd be good if you were working on your guard, especially your half guard. You could really clamp down with your half guard. Well, why don't you tweak it a little and act like you invented it?

That would be hilarious. You have the Joe Rogan guard. You're just laying on your back, opening your legs and closing them. You want to squeeze. You want to feel it right here. This is how you're going to tap. Right here.

Plus, it's good for your pussy muscle. What? It'll help. Post-op trannies really tighten up the junk. Tighten up your new thing. There she is. Actually, she does look very pornographic delicious. Oh, yeah.

Those long socks on. How many Coke spoons were on that? That's not her, dude. With those long socks on. How many Coke spoons were on that set? Oh, that's not her, dude. That's Lady Gaga. It's a fake one. Oh, is that it? She did the Suzanne Summer thing?

Yeah. I actually went to her concert. Lady Gaga has a fucking sick body. Are you a monster? At least she did. Are you a monster? What is a monster? That's a fan of Lady Gaga.

Oh, is that a fan? No, you know what? My girl wanted to see it and I went there. How was it? I kind of ruined it for her. I was there. I had eight beers.

I was watching a football game, and I showed up, and we took a camera. I'm such a jerk. I'm such a jerk. And I went there, and I thought I was behaving myself. And the next day, I was like, she just had that vibe around me, and I was like, come on. I go, I wasn't bad last night, was I? And she just kind of gives me a look. And I was like, I go, I was just sitting there.

She goes, Bill, you screamed Jesus fucking Christ. I go, I did it once. She goes, you did it like three fucking times. Dude, because she kept doing this self-help horse shit in between every song. Every fucking song. It was just, if you're different, don't worry about it. We got it. We got it.

It's okay to be a freak. Just sing your fucking song. And then she was sitting there at one point. She goes like, you know, I hope you guys are having a good time. Because if you're not, you know, I don't give a fuck. And then people go, ooh. And she goes, I said know i don't give a fuck and then people go whoo and she goes i said i don't give a fuck fuck fuck right and then she goes through the debt the uh backup dancer like trevor do you give a fuck he's like i don't give a fuck and it just kept going

and it's like jesus fucking christ get on with the not giving a fuck dude if you truly don't give a fuck you don't sit around talking about it. That's like that jerk off on the plane. Oh, we get up there. I'm going to X, Y, and Z. Either do it or shut up. I'm trying to go to sleep. I got a mask on.

How easy is this going to be? How long ago was this Lady Gaga concert? When the Patriots lost in the playoffs, which I know means nothing to you. We lost to the Ravens. So it was at the Staples Center. I totally respect her. She looks pretty fucking good right there. Did you see that picture of her?

God damn. I totally respect her. I take it back. She had an ass. No, as far as like, oh, is that Suzanne Summer? Yeah. Yeah, they just don't have hair like that anymore. They didn't have weaves back then.

Look at those legs. Oh, she's delicious. That's right. That's the thigh master. She mastered it. And she's like fucking 50-something years old now and still looks good. Yeah. That's right. That's the thigh master. She mastered it. And she's like fucking 50-something years old now and still looks good. Yeah.

It's pretty amazing. I mean, not real good, but like if you were on The Walking Dead and you were in the woods with her and there was no other chicks and she grabbed your dick, you would say, let's do this. Oh, yeah. She has the resume. She has the resume. Plus, yeah, it's one you would want to put. Who was when you were in the 70s?

You're about my age, right? Yeah. So like in the 70s, like who was the one? Farrah Fawcett. Yeah. It wasn't even close. That magazine, I mean that poster rather, was on everybody's wall. It was insane.

One poster, one photo, and it was on literally every fucking wall of every adolescent boy all throughout America. It wasn't girls, by the way, who had those posters back then. You remember back in those days? They had posters of boys. They didn't have girl idols that they would put on their wall. It was guys had a fucking poster. Like Scott Baio. Yes.

Yeah. Something happened along the way and girls started having posters of girls on their walls and guys started having posters of guys on their walls. Yeah, that's the fair- Oh, that's the one. Dude, I remember my dad had the Playboy that she was in where she's naked, but she's sitting with her knees up, so you can't see anything, but you almost can. I think I was like maybe eight years old, and I was looking through it, and I think it was the first time – I mean I don't know anything about my body. I think I had an orgasm, but nothing came out.

I remember I was looking at the picture, and I just kind of went, I went. I had that breathe thing, and I was just like. And that's what I hate the fact. Patrice used to always talk about this. Wouldn't you love to be able to go back to that innocent where you could look at a Jordan Marsh catalog, and you're like, oh, my God. She's wearing some secretary skirt below her knees and just her calves. You couldn't believe it. Can you imagine touching a woman's

calves? You just never have that innocence. That's true, but guys who don't get laid, they sort of have that in real life with girls. When they see a real girl in real life at work or at the gym or something like that

where it's almost like, oh, I can't believe she's right there. Right. But if you get laid, it's just like, yep, that's a girl. She probably won't let me fuck her, but okay, whatever. Dude, when I was a virgin, when a good-looking girl talked to me, my face turned red. It was just like it was so overwhelming. Like you didn't even know what to do. You were just like, oh, my God. Like I don't even know how to – my body is not even functioning. I had that well after it was so overwhelming. Like you didn't even know what to do. You were just like, oh, my God.

Like I don't even know how to – my body is not even functioning. I had that well after I was getting laid. This tastes like the milk at the end of Cocoa Puffs. Yes. This is dead on. And we're talking the 70s Farrah Fawcett cocoa milk. It's good stuff. It's coconut water and coffee in it.

Espresso. There's espresso in it. It's fucking delicious. It's delicious. It's delicious. Kate Jackson. Oh, yeah. That smoky voice. Oh, yeah. On The espresso in it. It's fucking delicious. It's delicious. It's delicious. Kate Jackson. Oh, yeah. That smoky voice.

Oh, yeah. On The Rookies when she was married to Mike Danko. I wanted to be Mike Danko. Who was the chick that was on... Sergeant Riker. Who was the... Who was the chick that was on

T.J. Hooker? Oh, that was the one who's been on everything. Tommy Lee was married to her. Come on, guys. Heather Locklear. Heather Locklear? Bam!

Was that her on TJ Hooker? Bam! Was it Eshore? Heather Locklear. Dude, one of the greatest things. One of the greatest moments ever as a kid to see a manly man. There she is. Wow, she was so young then.

That's so crazy. To see it. What happened to that Italian guy? Is that the guy from Dance Fever? Is that Danny Terrio? Oh, yeah. That guy was was is that who he is or did i just make that up i don't know what's his face captain kirk was like i want my toupee to look like danny danny terrio yeah he went nutty with his toupee he got a big fucking fat thick one that was all curly and shit i never knew it was a toupee ad Adrian Zamed. He was the, yeah, he was the host of Dance Fever.

It was Danny Terrio and then Adrian Zamed, right? Here's the greatest, like, when I was, like, manly moment that I saw that I wanted to be this guy was when Farrah Fawcett did, like, that 2-3 guest spot episode on the $6 million man. You remember that? And he had, like like whatever those fucking, those jean jackets with the matching slacks with the collar coming out. And this guy could jump over a house,

beat up like 90 guys, beat up Bigfoot, right? And punch that guy in the face to make his face come off when he fought the $7 million man. You remember that? Yes. Yeah, the guys are making that noise and all that. And then he got to bang her. I was just like, I want to be this guy.

What a great. Can anybody pull up the clip where he fights those guys in the snow? And the black guy, they got him in slow motion going to the air. It was right when Bruce Lee hit and everyone was trying to imitate him. So the black dude is flying through the air going, whoa. Dude, my mind was blown. What show was it? Six Million Dollar Man.

Dude, he fights the Seven Million Dollar Man. And we're talking about it at the bus stop. It's like, there's no way he's going to win. He's worth six. This guy's worth seven. So they get into a fight. And, of course, they just build the drama like wrestling where the Six Million Dollar Man is losing. And this guy's just so – it wasn't Powers Booth.

Who was the actor? He's done a bunch of stuff. He was an awesome actor. And then finally what ends up happening was he punched the guy's face off. It was like a goalie mask. It was really bad. His face comes off, and then there's all this robotics under there, and then he takes this steel girder.

Dude, they're like in the Hollywood Hills filming this thing, and he picks up some steel girder and just impales the guy, goes right through him. It was like seeing a rated R movie for me. I couldn't believe it. Yeah, who was the $7 million man? I'm looking at this guy. I was in love with this girl.

Who was she? Did you ever hear of Daisy Duke? Oh, Catherine Park. You know what the worst thing that happened to her? What? She stayed alive. Look at her now. Oh, come on.

Hey, easy. Let's be nice. She's a juice chokes. Let's be nice, man. Come on. Well, I'm saying time. Oh, all the nice things she did for you when you were in your bunk bed? Time's a motherfucker, my brother.

I told you I met her. Remember? Yeah. Didn't she want you to pay for a photo or something? Yeah, it was like six years ago. She's just sitting there. I'm like, holy shit. There's Daisy Duke right there.

And no one was talking to her. She was just sitting there. It looked like she was bored out of her mind. So I walked up. I'm like, hey, can I get a photo? She's like, yeah, $10. I'm like, oh, no. I have my own camera. I just take a photo. She goes, yeah, it's $ $10 I'm like oh no I have my own camera I just take a photo she goes yeah it's $10 like oh I'm

sorry thanks just download go go shorts and everything you did I hope you get another gig you deserve it sweetheart yeah go get six million dollars man versus the seven million dollar man Go check that out online. Pull up a video. $6 million man versus a $7 million man is one of the most ridiculous fucking things I've ever seen in my life. I sat there in pajamas sitting in a beanbag watching

that on one of those TV with legs just riveted. Yeah, they were racing the $7 million man just slightly ahead of them in the race, but they're both white, so during the race, everything has to be in slow motion, because otherwise you wouldn't be able to realize how ridiculous

it is that you would think that these fucking guys were special. Oh, look at that. He's got him. Look, the $7 million man is just slightly ahead of him. Steve Austin with his heart and his American know-how just can't quite keep up. Oscar Goldman, Rudy Law. Look at that.

Look at that. They don't make hairy chests like that anymore. Look at that. That is classic. I've banged every broad you've ever wanted to. Zippered down below the solar plexus. Dude, if you ever get lean, can you get lean majors on this podcast? He's still around?

Yeah. What is he doing? Dude, this is the thing about him. He is in a very rare space where he was on three shows that all went to syndication. He was on The Big Valley, played a cowboy. He did The Six Million Dollar Man, and then he did The Fall Guy. Yeah. And they all went. Yeah, it's true.

So Heather Locklear, I think, might have had four. I don't know. Four different shows that went to syndication? That went five years. They're literally like good luck charms. It's just like we've got to get this person in this show. It's going to go. I've done two shows.

Oh, that wasn't the guy. No, no. He fought a guy with black hair. This is a different guy? Maybe this is the first $7 million man. Maybe there's more than one. I've been on two shows that have been syndication. I got lucky. You need one more. One more and then you're shows that have been syndication. I got lucky.

You need one more. One more and then you're in that rarefied air. Eh. Eh. Yeah, you'll do it. You'll do it. Nah, I don't think so. I think I'm done.

I think this. This is in syndication already. We're already over 100 episodes. All right, what kind of show could they lure you back? Well, I'm doing a new thing. I'm not supposed to talk about it because I did talk about it and they got mad at me. Then don't. Don't.

But the new thing is on cable. It's fun. It's fun. It's crafty. It's crafty. It's going to be fun. But it's a lot of it based – It's on Skin and Max.

Yeah. Joe After Hours. That kind of crafty. You make little octagons with popsicle stick house? Based on UFOs and Bigfoot and shit. What do you think about that. Oh, that's cool. What do you think about that Garrett guy, the fighter that has Down syndrome? They've been showing him on ESPN like crazy.

And at first I was like, that's kind of fucked up. But he's actually pretty good. I haven't seen too much about it. I've avoided it because I'm terrified that somehow or another it would make it into my act. Right. It's just... What about him fighting the transgender? I think the transgender women, like men to women,

should fight transgender women to men, and we'll see what's the better combination. Society should be more acceptable, and then we'll create a whole new class. Yeah, tranny fights. Yeah. You're not supposed to even say tranny, do you know that? UFC.

If you say tranny... Tranny Championship of the world. It's time for trannies. Fighting. Out of the blue corner. He used to be a dude. Now he's a chick. This guy, you said he's good?

Yeah. The only thing, though, it's like I don't – just like the transgender lady thing, like you don't know if he's 100 percent – like should he be able to fight regular people? Is he fighting a regular guy? Yeah, I think he was. I think in this video that you can find on ESPN.go.com. I think he actually fights in this video. Wow, and he's fighting Stefan Bonner in his corner and everything. Yeah.

See, this is why I can't watch it because you just immediately start thinking of bits. And she's not in the fight. She's just commentating. This girl right here. Get out of the fight. Dude, look at him. He's got a black eye and stuff. Yeah.

Who did that to him? This guy right here. This is what's going on right here. Okay, so he got a black eye and stuff? Yeah. Who did that to him? This guy right here. This is what's going on right here. Okay, so he got fucking power doubled quick. Well, I would think that his reaction time would be not so good. Yeah. I would be concerned that he'd do more damage. Like, I don't know.

Yeah, no, it's true. Not Dr. Burr here thinks that. I mean, it is something to consider. Yeah. There's got to be another kid out there with the same thing and then they can go at it. You can't do this. They're finding so much

fucked up about... He got manhandled, man. You can see the way that guy threw him to the ground. That guy's a good grappler. I think they're showing a lot of studies now, more than ever, about brain damage and fighting. And if you already have an issue, I would say, like, just get involved in jiu-jitsu. Go grapple. You really want to train and compete.

Right, right. Jiu-jitsu is fine. You can have, like like really intense high level competition and you don't get hit in the head getting hit in the head ben unless you want to fight for a living unless you want to be a professional fighter i don't advise getting hit in the head at all ever but it's good to learn it's good to train and if you can learn um from people that you trust where you don't hit each other full blast. Like you kick hard to the body and to the head and you just punch like soft to the face. Do you see that guy has a monster tattoo?

Monster energy tattoo? Yeah. So maybe the fight's pretty matched. Evenly matched? Evenly matched. Because of his shitty choices and tattoos. Yeah, it's – well, it looks like he was all happy that he fought. I mean he can't happy that he fought, you know.

I mean, you can't take that away from him. Yeah. The problem with fighting is, the real problem is that, you know, you're fighting on credit. You're essentially fighting on brain credits. And you're willing to go out there and throw them in and, you know, and see what happens. But when you're getting tagged, you owe that later. You owe that. It's going to come back. It's going to come back with interest. It might come back six years from now, five see what happens. But when you're getting tagged, you owe that later. You owe that. It's going to come back.

It's going to come back with interest. It might come back six years from now, five years from now. I've met guys, known them, known them when they were fine, and then seen them fucked up. And it's not just one. It's weird to see when you know a guy for 10 years, and then you talk to him and you see him, like, looking around. He doesn't know where he is.

He's fucking slurring his words. It sounds he's hammered it's weird because they sound drunk they just sound like a drunk like that's how they sound they sound like a guy who's just yeah and it's just from taking shots yeah they're saying like nfl football you know there's people predicting that it's just gonna not not exist, like at least in the form. I have the solution. You've got to go back to leather helmets. Yes. You just go back to that and you bring all the equipment down.

I mean, this isn't like – this is like – Don Cherry talked about that in the NHL. Like you used to wear like these spongy pads when you played hockey. You remember the pads you used to wear when you played sports? Now they're like this hard plastic. And I just took up the game, and it's like, dude, I've fallen on the ice with nothing. And you feel like, in my age, you feel like you got hit by a truck. You get all the equipment on, dude, it's hilarious.

It's just you feel like you're a RoboCop. You just fall down and nothing hurts. Now you get these guys where they can skate like 25 miles an hour or something, and they come by and they catch you with that hard piece of plastic it's like getting hit with a wrench like i saw a guy uh mark savard he got hit as he was falling through on a shot got hit he he like spun around 180 degrees and came back and he's never been back one hit really one hit yeah dude i mean he hasn't been back caught him right in the jaw and he spun around. Obviously got a – I don't know. I mean I don't know shit.

Like a high-level concussion. He was a phenomenal player. And so people are saying we got to go back to that because I'm – the pads you had when you were younger, like you hit stuff, you still felt it. Right. And then the pads would start to wear out you know towards the season you know and it would hurt but now it's just like this stuff it's so incredible if like i play obviously non-contact so it's great so if you fall down you don't hurt yourself but um there's stuff in like the nhl they're talking about that they're talking about like in the nfl like in the NFL having guys starting from a stand-up position with their hands out.

Because every play, it's like, boom, they're just slamming their heads together repeatedly. When you play the whole game, you got like, whatever, I don't know, 40, 50 plays. You slammed your head into another guy's head 50 times just that game. And then you play 16 games. Wow, now this is beyond my fucking capability 16 times 50 anybody's a lot the point is you're getting hit in the head a lot yeah yeah yeah people uh are realizing that you know when when football came around when it became popular the amount of data that they had on brain trauma to what they have today, it's pretty minimal. Now we have a sort of accurate view of the landscape,

and we know, like, okay, you're taking a fucking serious chance here with your health. Yeah, they finally figured out the helmet, what it does is really it protects beyond a certain hit. All it's doing is protecting the skull. You won't get a dented skull, but your brain is just sloshing around. Getting sloshed. Somebody has to come up with something. How big would the helmet be? Your head just sits

in there. The helmet moves around. Dude, you know what video I watched recently? I have such a poor science background. I just started... Science is incredible, right? Was that the dumbest thing you ever heard? I'm just such a moron. Can I leave?

Can I leave on that? That was the dumbest thing. Science is kind of like incredible. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that is the dumbest thing I'm going to say this year. I really hope that that was the low point. If that's where you're leaving it now, I think you're going to be fine. Science is like really incredible. Science is super awesome.

You've got to have that bill on more often. That was just so – It's super neat. I was just watching this thing on gyroscopes. When I was a kid, they were called tops, and you just spun them and stared at them. They weren't telling you what was going on. This guy gets this gyroscope going, and he puts it on on like a cone and it's on the side. In my world, it's defying gravity and it's just going

around this thing and I don't get how it works. I don't get what's going on. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of that out there. If you want to not get it. I love that you didn't. Did I explain it bad? You were just kind of like, yeah, I don't know what it is. Gyroscope? What is it? Look up gyroscope. Okay, I know what a gyroscope is.

It's because of the rotation. It's because of the rotation. It's about sex. You know what that means? Yeah, I know what a gyroscope is. Yeah, it's because of the rotation. I feel like it's like seventh grade when you're talking about sex. You know what that means? Yeah, I know what it means. I know what it means, man. What is it? Just the momentum? A gyroscope is what's in those segues.

That's a gyroscope. Yeah. I think it's in a helicopter. I think it's in a helicopter. Makes sense. I mean, that it would balance out a helicopter. Well, I finally figured, I finally read, I didn't figure it out. They told me, like I'm discovering helicopters, that that back thing, the back rotor is to

prevent the thing from spinning around. Yeah, that's why when it gets shot in movies, the fucking helicopter starts spinning like Do you know how many times I saw that and I didn't realize it? That that's what that thing's function was? Moron. Understanding a helicopter gyro. No, no, no. Just look up gyroscopes.

You got to see this guy. What am I looking for? Just gyroscopes? Just type in gyroscope. Okay. And this guy, I swear to God, he's going to do something that's a better magic trick than I've ever seen anybody do in Vegas. It's just gyroscope on YouTube with a little tiny thing? Yeah, let me see this.

This guy? This fresh face? All right, this guy right here. No, that's not it. God damn it. Is that it? What you're saying? Son of a bitch.

Yeah, the reason why you could do that is because it's going so fast, so it's pushing down, you know, because gravity said, like, you could have, like, on the side of a can or something like that. Wait, is this the first one here?

It's spinning so fast. All right, hang on. You guys, say something funny as this is coming up. All right. The first one? This one right here? Here we go.

It's online. It's up there, Bill. Oh, it is? Yeah, look. All right, so what you want to be is get to, okay. Oh, I see what you're saying, right here. Yeah, get to about a minute 40, and somebody for the love of God explain to me how that works.

How the fuck does that happen? Oh, that's it's balancing and it's spinning around in a circle. Yeah. And it's not hitting the floor until, uh, it runs out of momentum. Yeah.

Spinning gyroscope will balance on a string. Wow. Look at that. That's amazing. Dude, that is magic to me. Well, that's why those segues work somehow or another.

Yeah. I don't understand. But I just love that there's the technology of that. And then some dumb ass like me can get on one. Well, that's why those segues work somehow or another. Yeah, I don't understand. But I just love that there's the technology of that and then some dumbass like me can get on one like, slam it to a wall. Idiot. Just think about a phone, you know, that you use every day and nobody understands. If I'm ever out of, like, if there's

ever a power outage, I'm getting one of these. If I have to entertain guests, I'm just going to start spinning this thing with this lava rock right there people are going to be blown away like look at it you could start a cult

I caused the power outage there's got to be people dumber than me that would actually buy into it oh for sure have you ever watched those cult videos

it is pretty amazing it is pretty amazing what does it have to do with space dude I swear to god you could actually how dumb the average person is. I consider myself an average person. You could go

to a bar with one of those. They're literally like five bucks and you could just blow chicks' minds with it. You think they would fuck you? Has anybody ever gotten laid because of a gyroscope? Dude, if you're wearing a cape and you show it with that thing, it's over. A cape with the big pointy red

things like Dracula. And all you do when they ask you questions is you delay for a second and stare at them like you're mysterious. Like Ryan Gosling in Drive. I can't tell you. Yeah. Ryan Gosling in Drive. He did that. He did that delay thing and he mind fucked you like, what's going on?

What's happening here? Yeah, he did the broken guy thing. Like, hmm, this guy's broken. Oh, yeah. It's kind of a smile. And I completely stole. I owe him a smile and i completely stole i owe him an apology i completely stole all of that on that flight to indy i was just like i'm gonna do what ryan gosselin would do i'm gonna have this look on my face like i just got done fucking your wife

and there's nothing you could do about it man you and i handled that much differently i would i would have told the flight lady i would have been the one, you got to get this guy off the fucking plane. It's crazy. I was like, something's wrong. I wouldn't have been able to fall asleep next to that fucking loony town. Do you think maybe he was like schizo or like autistic or something like that?

I had three shows to get to. It's an idiot. There was another, like, he wasn't good. I just, you ever know, just like, no. I mean, you never 100% know. I just knew he wasn't going to do anything. And I knew if I didn't, I was sort of feeding it. I was being a dick.

I was being a dick. But somebody actually said a great thing. When he came around, you should have invited him to your show. That would have been great. They said you should have given him tickets. I wish it was the old school where you actually had tickets. Opened up and talked about it on stage. I did open with it that night.

Did you really? Yeah, but I was still kind of weirded out by it so it kind of came out as creepy rather than so i just was like all right this is this is more of a podcast story so and here we are what percentage of your uh your crowds now are podcast crowds like people know you from the podcast i have no idea when you say if you mention it's always a big response but i think that they're there it's like they're into the specials they're into the podcasting thing. It's great, man.

You just carve out your own little store on the internet. This is me. This is what I do. If you like it, come on out. And then all you do is you just never fuck them. You always come out with a new hour. And you never take a show off. You just don't fuck them.

Because that's the relationship. When they say they love you, it's basically I love you until you suck. Don't fuck me. That's basically it. Because we don't know each other so i understand the responsibility of that yeah and i always try to have good openers i just want the wire to wire good show you came out good time go out there fucking take pictures kissing babies shaking hands it's great i really like afterwards uh at first i didn't like going out there but that was more my uh awkwardness and then like my issues with that shit but now i i've actually i kind of know as long as they're not like super drunk those people yeah you know like it's like a motorboat in your face just spitting

dude you're so fucking funny like and they're like complimenting you like spitting in your face like that becomes and then it's like you know i have the exact same attitude the exact same attitude about the audience like the you can't fuck them you gotta keep giving them free shit that's why i love keeping the podcast free that's why i love uh you know the the the idea that you're always gonna have them there as long as you keep providing good content as long as you keep coming up with new material and you can't expect anything more out of them because i've done the same thing. I loved bands in the 80s, and then they started to suck,

and I never bought any more of their albums. So am I really a fan? It's like, I like you when you do good stuff. I like you when you do stuff I like. Well, I had a big fear of that when I was first coming up that guys sort of seemed to have it and then lose it. There's a lot of guys that fall into that category that were really funny at first and then lost it, including contemporaries that I won't

mention. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, but as far as dead guys, Kennison was my favorite example of that. Kennison, I think in like 86, 87, was the greatest guy ever. I think he was one of the funniest comics ever. And then when I came along, and I came along in 88, that's when I started. I put Tennyson like three all time.

Yeah. Behind like Pryor and then, you know, Carlin's body a week or Bill Cosby. I mean, you just have to like, it's all subjective. Yeah. I don't, I put Carlin, I mean, a lot of people would be pissed at me for this, but I put Carlin like fourth. Well, it's all, well, okay, fourth all time. I mean, somebody's going to get mad fourth all time i mean somebody's gonna get people get mad man you know like you put hicks in front of carlin because hicks wasn't as funny um i think hicks had this sort of groundbreaking sort of new

take on stand-up that inspired so many other people to sort of like branch down that path that i always put him uh right up there, and it's also like a band thing. Some people like Rush and Neil Peart. Some people like Led Zeppelin and John Bonham and that thing. But who cares? As long as you're in – you just want to be in the argument. Yeah, for me it's Pryor all time number one. Pryor is number one.

And then it's Kenneson and then Hicks and then Carlin. But there's a through line to that, that order that makes sense to me. Like I can see that, obviously, I mean, I know that you do stand up, obviously, but like this, like that order. Like if I just saw someone listed like that, I'd be like, OK, this guy, he likes this style. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like Kinison is is like if he had just come out the other side where like it seemed like he like just fell into every pitfall of being famous. Just stepped in every bear trap. Fat, coke, alcohol. The whole thing.

Lazy. Like in 86, like, I mean, that was one of the, you know, his first Letterman spot, dude, is fucking unbelievable. Just the vibe in the studio. You can feel it. Like we have no idea what this guy is going to do. This guy, and he came out and did not disappoint. But if you look at the difference between the first one and the second one, it's already starting.

Whatever he was going through. But I remember when he got all cleaned up and he was coming back. It was really like the Stevie Ray Vaughan thing. He just got all cleaned up, turning it around, and it's like, oh, my God. You know, when he died, they found cocaine in the system he was never really cleaned up oh he wasn't yeah he could claim to be cleaning up but it wasn't clean how do you know that though because i know i know everything about him i mean uh his first of all his brother i read his book i read his brother's book and talked to his brother about it people always kill my theories with facts

um he was i complimented a guy the other day about dude you know when you were standing on his brother about it. This is why people always kill my theories with facts. He was... I complimented a guy the other day about, dude, you know, when you were standing on stage you were getting booed and it just was like, you know,

that really inspired me. You stood there and the dude was just like, yeah, I was so high I didn't even hear the boos. And you were like, ah, man. You couldn't just let me

have that fantasy because the fantasy, you know, inspired me. My fantasy version of who you are. That he didn't give a fuck. Oh, that crushed me. I got to see Kinison as I was an open mic-er. Like, as I was starting out. I got to see him live at least twice.

I think only twice, but at least twice. And he fucking sucked both times. Carl LeBeau was better than him. Doesn't even make any sense. Carl LeBeau, who opened his opening act, was funnier, more energetic, better, better material. Actually had material. Kennesaw was like cheerleading by then. It was already over.

By 89, it was already over. He would go up and he would uh he would do like this cheerleading thing about like drinking and driving we're gonna do it we're gonna drink we're gonna we're gonna pull it off because we do it every fucking night oh oh yeah yeah but it was there was no jokes the jokes were gone like all the shit about the african children like why don't you feed them you're right but it's not like you don't lose that. He just, he was adjusting. And right as he was coming out of it, evidently, he still was coming out of it, according to you.

Like, I would have loved to have seen what that guy was going to do because. I don't, I think he was done. And this is why I think he was done. I think you could only do coke for so long. You're crushing me here. I'm sorry. Can I hold on to my dream that he would have come back and he would have been that guy in 84, 85? Hey, he could have gotten on some fucking kale shakes and started doing hill sprints and shit.

But, you know, Kinison's story, his life story is a fascinating one because he was a normal kid until he got hit by a truck. He got hit by a truck and, you know, he suffered like some sort of a traumatic brain injury. And after that became reckless it was just wild as fuck it was like a completely different kid it was like kinnison one and kinnison two and kinnison one was like a normal average dollar man seven he got cracked and he got hurt real bad and from then he was reckless just wild you know and he did a lot of crazy shit and if you look back at his life like his impulse control was like non-existent I

mean he fucked Carla Bo's wife Carla Bo was his opening right there was a Carl talks about it yeah I wouldn't say it any other way keep this is how Carl found Carl found out that his daughter's father he thought it was his daughter and it was fucking Sam Kinnison's his daughter's father. That's right. He thought it was his daughter, and it was fucking Sam Kinnison, who was his best friend the whole time. Jesus Christ. Yeah. You hate to see it.

Craziness, man. I hate to see it, Joe. Yeah, you hate to see that. But I learned a lot watching him. First of all, I learned in the beginning what was possible. When I saw him, his first HBO special was like, this is the greatest comedian I've ever seen. I couldn't believe this is even comedy.

I couldn't believe someone figured out comedy like I couldn't believe like someone figured out this new way of doing comedy but then to see him just become really shitty after that I was like wow that can happen like you need to know

that that can happen I think you're being too hard on the guy really yeah because he died prematurely you're talking about like he's still alive

and he never died he died in the 90s he died in the 90s dude I'm older than he was when he died yeah so I mean like you know I'm just saying like he was pulling himself out of the mud and then he he died so i mean right it's like it just gets cut off so you have no well you you're giving him a break because he's dead i see what you're doing yes i am because it's like you're

making it seem like those last few years that's, that's all he was going to be. You can't say that. You can say it, Joe. That's the only evidence that I saw. I mean, you're a podcaster. You're right. No, it's possible that he could come back. There was no evidence that he was coming back.

The material that he was doing was shit. It was just poorly thought out. It was like he never sat in front of a fucking notebook and actually wrote it out anymore. He didn't tighten things up. All right, all right. You're killing me. I'm sorry. He's my favorite. I mean, he, all right. You're killing me. I'm sorry. He's my favorite.

I mean, he's like right up there with me. That's a funny way of talking. Like if John Bonham was your favorite drummer, would you talk about those 52 shots of vodka he took? I'm telling you the truth. He was so big he couldn't get over to the floor tom. He had a floor tom as a rack tom because he was so fat he couldn't get around. I don't know what that means.

I don't know what you just said. There's allegedly – he had a 15-inch rack tom by the end of it. What's that mean? Gigantic. It's usually, you ever see Sing Sing Sing when the guy plays? On the floor. Right. That's a floor tom.

This guy allegedly was so fucking fat he couldn't get around to him, so he just had this giant fucking. Dude, when he's younger, when he's younger when he's younger he's doing his he's doing his triplets and he would do this thing where it was just like kick left right and then it was boom boom and then cross over and then back and it was and we did like a 90 miles an hour you see him at royal albert hall at the height of his fucking powers dude unbelievable drummer and then as he got older like his finesse was was incredible like he didn't he didn't uh like he didn't have to do all that to

get the same kind of power and uh but what people would do is they would they you know that people like trash like we're getting off the subject here people like what you're doing at kinnison they kind of did the bottom of people just no listen i'm not i'm just telling the truth uh he fucked up and it's good for any young guy to see. I thought we were out of this. Any young comic. I think it's important to see that that's possible. He got caught up in his own wave.

And he became a caricature. He became like a copy. I just pictured you becoming a caricature of yourself. How can I do it? And you come out and all you're doing is just throwing kicks the entire fucking show. Coming out with a speed bag comedy comedy speed bag joe piscopo for this going out yeah joe piscopo wow man that was a do you remember that he took a steroid test during his special what he he had a special where he um everyone was saying he was on roids oh because he got really big yeah he was on bodybuilding magazines and stuff so then and it all stemmed from some comment somebody made when

he took his shirt off at a pool like classic sensitive performer and then he just went the other way with it it just became like shredded and that guy was shredded that's where it came from somebody like mocked his build i believe i mean i'm talking about a magazine article i read like in the 80s um so he got all big like that so he has a special out there where he does like axl rose and he does all these guys and in the beginning of it somewhere towards the beginning he just has a guy in a lab coat come out or something he's saying a lot of people say i'm taking roids or whatever so the band's playing he goes upstage and basically, I guess, pees in this cup.

No way. And he does his whole special and the special ends and this guy comes back out with the classic I'm a doctor lab coat. And he comes out and he's like, what's the verdict? And they go, it's clean. He's like, it's clean. And I swear to say it out loud is so nuts. I'm starting to wonder if it happened. And I apologize if he's listening and I got it wrong.

I really shouldn't have done that. We got to Google that. Hold on a second. I've never been able to find it. Oh, it's got to be out there. Well, Joe Piscopo has recently been brought to the limelight by Opie and Anthony. Opie and Anthony have been goofing on Joe Piscopo and they had him on the show and they fucking tortured him oh it was beautiful

but maybe because of that more people are looking up his stuff because a lot of people started they started like tweeting me Joe Piscopo concert links and videos I love Joe Piscopo Johnny Dangerously

it shoots through schools I loved him, he was great in that. It shoots through schools. I loved him. Yeah, he was great. But steroid test. When he did the Sinatra thing with Eddie Murphy? That was great. Yeah.

That was great. Yeah, no. I mean, but it's also undeniable that he lost his fucking marbles and disappeared. Yeah, he appeared to undergo a drug test during a show. It really happened. That's one. Everybody's got that moment in your career. You'd like to have it back. Yeah.

Fucking watch is still on Midwestern. Yeah. In his HBO special, he appeared to undergo a drug test during the show. He has appeared in anti-steroid public service announcements. He became the subject of controversy in the early 90s after appearances of his newly buff physique on the covers

of fitness magazines led many to speculate he was using steroids. Do, do, do, do. I mean, he wasn't that big. He just got in great shape. Look, you can pack on a lot of weight without – did you ever know Brian Frazier? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know Brian Frazier? Yeah. Yeah. When we were in Boston, Brian Frazier was way bigger than Joe Piscopo, and he was 100% natural. He's the biggest guy that I've ever met that i absolutely know for a fact was 100 natural he was so big he would go on stage with a t-shirt on and i told him you can't do that anymore i'm like you can't do that because no one's paying attention i know you and i'm not paying attention what the fuck you're talking about because he had giant arms i mean he's a bodybuilder his arms are

twice as big as mine they were fucking enormous yeah he's got he's got a yeah he's got to come up you gotta have the button down yeah you just you gotta do something where people are not getting distracted by the fact that you've these fucking legs growing off your shoulders it's just he was so big and big fucking i've never understood that getting that big like just the theories people would have are you too big that's not funny people people want to see somebody up like people that their theories don't have a beard. A beard is bad. I mean they need to see your facial expressions.

There's just so much horseshit that you hear. Those theories all suck, yeah. They just try to define you. The beard didn't work for him at all. Yeah, nobody could tell you anything. What made – I mean look, Hedberg used to go on stage 99% of the time with sunglasses on. Who would ever tell you you should go – Eyes closed.

Yeah, eyes closed with sunglasses on. It was awesome. Nobody could tell you. How the fuck can you be a cage-fighting commentator and a stand-up comedian? They'll tell you you can't do both. Dude, what a fucking black hole. Just like so many – like what with that guy. Like I just – still kills me.

Hedberg? I didn't even know him that well. I only met him a couple times. But like – Yeah, me too. Same thing. It's just like that guy. I mean – him a couple times. Yeah, me too. Same thing. It's just like that guy. He was brilliant.

Oh, my God. Brilliant. He was so fucking original. I mean, you just sat there and you just became a fan. First time I saw him was in the old Largo on Fairfax. And what was awesome was there was this guy who ran the room, who was good at running the room, and he had real difficulty. Just one of those guys who was stand-up. It was so difficult.

He wasn't likable, and he would just go on stage and you know those guys they just they come on stage and just for whatever reason whatever they're putting out the crowd just hates him right and he went up there just flailing flailing flailing and so he's running the room and then he brings up Hedberg and Hedberg goes up there and just instantly is killing and he was doing shit like what if he got mad at Fruit? It was these crazy jokes he was trying. He was just like, fucking Fruit. Just the way he did it.

It was so fucking ridiculous. And it just, you were just locked in. He was just one of those guys. I don't care if you had fucking 12 beers in you. You just knew instantly, I am watching a genius. and you would just it was um yeah man i just that's still he was so original the way he would like he would he would make jokes about shit that doesn't make any i mean like you would look at a paper you go how the fuck is someone gonna make a joke of it how'd they come up with the name for double tree oh did they have a meeting? What do you want to call it?

Let's call it Two Trees. How about Double Tree? Meeting adjourned. I heard that he actually had the balls. He went on Letterman, and on one of his sets, he called back to a joke he did on a previous set on Letterman just to see if anybody noticed. I mean, it's just like that i mean

i tap out right there i'm just like jesus christ i mean it was really clean too which is really funny because he's like one of my favorite guys ever that's like basically squeaky clean and every once in a while when he cursed it was great yeah he would say a fuck here and there well that's one of the things about being um a comic in boston is is that there was a lot of craft to – I mean you came along a little bit after me, after my generation of open micers. But there was a lot of emphasis put on the craft of like the use of the word fuck. Like you could use the word fuck but don't over fuck. Don't break the fuck meter. That's what guys would say. Don don't break the fuck i remember that i try to keep it to three three to five fucks yeah mike donovan used to say yes donovan was a genius man donovan donovan is

one of those unhurled geniuses one of my favorite lines ever is he's talking about uh being at work and your boss breaking your balls about going on break. And one of my favorite, like most, one of those blue collar details that I never heard anybody bring up on stage. He was like imitating, you know, giving shit to his boss. He said, I'll take a 20 minute shit on the clock if I want. And I was just like, oh, my God. I used to work with a guy who did that every day. Just dogging it. Just hating his life.

He would grab the newspaper. It was just like he'd go. We just had a break. The Roach coach pulled up. We just had to break. And dogging it. Just hating his life. He would grab the newspaper. It was just like, we just had a break. The Roach coach pulled up. We just had the break. And he used it to get, he was so fucking miserable. To get from the break to get to lunch. He had this routine where he would go and he's like, I have to go to the bathroom. And we would all break his balls.

It's like, Joe, you fucking went in there for like nine hours, you know. And he would just laugh. And he would just walk in, sit down, and just read the newspaper. I don't even think he was taking a shit. He would just sit on this bowl just to have this like – Time alone. I never forget that shit, like how lucky my life is to tell jokes. That like your game plan is you hate your job so bad that you pretend to take a shit for 20 minutes every day just to get to lunch.

That's a lot of guys. You can get fired for that. Oh, nowadays with all the cameras and everything, they can literally break down exactly when you – because back in the day, fuck, it was six minutes. Yeah, they would bring you to – Anybody have a hernia? How quick am I supposed to take a shit?

They'd bring you to a diet counselor. Try to get you – we have to figure out some sort of a way to optimize your time better here at Performance Inc. You're upsetting the people in the cubicles that you're walking by as you go to the toilet. They're there pulling your load while you're shitting. That was one of the dumbest things we ever did. We used to ship out this computer software. We were the middleman between software companies and people ordering software.

This is like the 80ss so there's no internet so people would come to our company i mean the company i worked for where they had all this software lotus one two three d base three all this old school shit and uh one day we got into this stupid guy competitive thing like fucking morons we didn't realize it like who was shipping out the most so we started saving saving them, competing with one another. And this guy shipped out 100 packages. So the next day I did 120, and then he did 160. And we were fighting, and then the fucking management got room for it. They were like, oh, yeah, why don't you start keeping a number?

And then they figured out who was being the most efficient, and guys started losing their jobs. So even back then I was like, dude, guys, stop fucking doing it. Stop doing it. Because we're literally cutting our own fucking – You put yourself in a race that there's no winner. Yeah, but we didn't know any better. Yeah. We didn't know any better.

We were idiots. We were like 19, 20. Dude, we used to fucking go out and drink like a 12-pack of beer and eat McDonald's at 1 in the morning. And by like 8 o'clock, we were unloading trucks. Fine. Laughing. And then we would work. We'd do all this shit.

And then during lunch hour, we would go out and play basketball in like just regular sneakers in like 501 blues. Remember that? The butterfly. And you'd be out there. You'd come back in, pour in sweat, and then just keep unloading. It was the greatest shape I was ever in in my life. And then in the end of work, I would then go lift and go ride a bike. Dude, I remember one time I went on a bike ride hammered.

I was so into working out. Fucking bike ride. I'm on like a 12-speed bike that I bought when I still have it, by the way, in my garage. I refuse to throw shit out. And I remember being hammered on the bike. And I'm sweating, so I'm becoming more hammered. I was going to do this 11 mile loop. Then it became 07. And then I just kind of came back and I was like on the bike laughing.

And I was like 2021 and was only beginning to understand the fragility of life. And I knew that what I was doing was stupid, but I couldn't get, I just kept picturing my friends laughing at me. And I was literally by myself riding this bike laughing drunk driving up the street yeah I've been here for two and a half hours like I'm just taking snippets from fucking the 80s I got I got nothing left you used to be able to bounce back so well when you're young it's amazing when you're 20 years old you get hammered the next day you barely feel anything dude I used to go to McDonald's and tear down that place. I would get two quarter pounds of cheese, a large fry, a six-piece McNugget, and I never liked them. I never liked them.

I never thought, and I used to try the different sauces. I used to go with the mustard. It never tastes good. I just wanted something to fill the void. And then I would get, like, a couple of cheeseburgers, and I think just a giant Coke, and just throw that down and wake up the next day with a flat stomach. And I already drank like, you know, eight, nine beers. We got a fight.

We got into a fight one time right under the Golden Arches and the next town over. I don't know what happened. These guys came in drunk, classic Boston shit. They just come walking in and they give everybody the finger. Of course, we respond to it. And next thing you know, we're out underneath the Golden Archers. There's like five of us and two of them.

And my buddy who always fought, he starts swinging on the big one. And then the little one, he sort of jumped in. It just became this big. It looked like wrestling, you know, when they all come running out of the dressing room to help each other.

We're on snow. Everybody's drunk, just falling down. We were so fucking drunk. The cops were there sort of misting mace for I don't know how long. We didn't even see him pull up. It was just like being in the fucking fight. Then all of a sudden, everybody's eyes are tearing up and shit. Then what was hilarious was they just broke us up and they fuck it.

Then two seconds later, we're back in a car and the same two guys we were fighting we're coming back up to the cars that one of the cops go i thought it was over and the guys like that was a bullshit part of a little one goes as a memory goes we laughed at your shit it's uh... it was fucking nuts i to give it up to them. It was, you know, fucking four on two or whatever.

And they didn't give a shit. They laughed. They definitely laughed at our shit. They didn't care. They ate that mace and they came right back. They were ready. Yeah, once you get maced. Right up to our Ford Escort.

They did not give a fuck. If you're still into the fighting, you just got maced. You need a hobby. Something happened. Nobody got it full on. It was just like your eye. We thought it was the snow. They had thrown rock salt because we were on the ground.

I don't know what it was, but it was just like unbelievably fucking air. But we were hammered. I thought it was like a fucking police car pulled up and nobody noticed. That's hilarious. I was like, hey, hey, hey, hey, whatever was going on. How fucking common are fights in Boston, though? I mean, that's the other thing. I didn't realize growing up there

that that's not normal and that there really aren't that many fist fights in the rest of the country. I was never a fighter, man. I fucking hated that shit. Like, I saw so many guys just like, you know that YouTube videos you see someone's already knocked out

and they're unconscious and they get that extra two, three boots to the head. You're like, oh, my God. Curbstomp. For the love of God. You won. Yeah. I've never been into it either, believe it or not. I was always the guy who got the fuck out of there.

I never wanted to have anything to do with that. I didn't mind competition. I didn't mind kickboxing or martial arts tournaments or whatever. But a fight on the street, I was like, what are we doing here? This is avoidable. Like, yeah, this is chaos. Yeah, no. My thing, I always used to get psyched out because I was like, all right, I'll fight my older brother and lose and I'll take the ass kicking.

But he has to deal with the fact that dad's coming home. This guy doesn't have to stop. Dad isn't coming home within this relationship. And he can just keep going. And I've always been slow as shit. So you could literally tell me what you're going to throw and tell me exactly what to do. You're still going to hit me. I've got a big head already.

Like, I really, like, if I would have died in, like, 1980 if there wasn't for all this medicine and shit. Like, I shouldn't be. I'm one of the weak ones. I really am. Like, I had my appendix ruptured. Like I shouldn't be, I'm one of the weak ones. I really am. Like I had my appendix ruptured.

I would have, if it was the 1800s, I would have died under like a stack of blankets as they sponged off my giant forehead. That would have been it. Would have been buried out by the outhouse. When did your appendix blow? I don't know. It was weird. It just kind of was kept hurting and hurting.

How old were you? 12. That shit's terrifying. And it was, it was ruptured and they didn't know what was right. One day I'd be fine. The next day I was bad. And my brother's convinced that he knows what it happened. We were playing baseball, and one ball came up, and he said it hit me in the side.

I don't think it did. I can't remember, but I just remember my parents were always just like, you're fine. You're fine. Dude, I got hit by a car. And they sent the ambulance away, and we took a cab to a better hospital. And my mother was going, just stay awake. Just stay awake. Wow.

Did you hear about that kid that got hit with a discus? He got hit with a discus and died. He got hit in the hip. He got hit in the hip with a discus and wound up dying. They don't know. Some sort of a blood clot or something. I don't know. But here, I'll pull up the story.

You want to hear me talk dumb? Yeah. There's obviously major arteries that connect the top to the bottom, right? I mean, the blood's got to get down there. Science is incredible. Basically, you got the 405 on one side and the 101 on the other. A 15-year-old kid in Texas died nine days after being hit with a flying discus, and he got hit in the hip.

The hip. It wasn't any vitals. No. See that? I know the questions to ask. Yeah. Vitals makes you sound like you know what you're talking about. It's fucking crazy.

Yeah, he was in pain, apparently, and the pain kept getting worse. He was admitted, placed under intensive care, and then died. From a fucking, yeah. If you're in pain, don't tough it out. You know? No, they don't know. It just happened. The funeral was just a couple of days ago.

So I think they're probably awaiting the results of the autopsy still. But he was most likely a blood clot. Your body's so fucking fragile. And, you know, I've seen so many people get beat up. I've probably seen more people get beat up than anybody in human history. Dude, you know what day I'm going to the hospital? The amount of people that I know that died and they say for three days they're going, you know, I just don't feel right. Yeah.

Like when you feel that, go to the fucking hospital. Go to the fucking hospital. And it's just like, let's do a fucking full body CAT scan. Yeah. That's such a scam. You need to find something. CAT scans? Yeah.

Why is that? Well, it's been MRI for the full body, magnetic resonance imagery. CAT scans for the dome. All right. You got that? I think. Right? CAT scan?

Do you do CAT scans for other parts of your body? Have you seen the new ones? This is the guy who won't admit he's wrong. Have you seen the new ones? They, like, make you pull your knees up into your fucking shoulders. They just push you in there. I think about all the guys that I've seen get beat up. How many people have seen 1,000 people get beat up?

I've seen at least 1,000 from all the fights that I've called. All the trauma I've seen in person. It's so normal. I don't like that shit where after the dude's knocked out and then the guy comes up and it's like, one, two, three, four and then the ref gets there. That's just a shitty referee.

That's what that is. Yeah. A couple of things. The arm bars. I still remember, I forget what fight it was. I think it was when Matt Hughes had,

what's his face in the arm bar and he just wouldn't tap the Gracie family. Oh, Hoyce. Yeah, he would not tap. He said something like, oh my God,

you're like, that armor's, you know when you get hyped, that armor's gonna snap and I had to literally literally i had to look away because i was like going i'm gonna see two bones come through the skin that is one of the like he was just like fuck like i am not that's one of the toughest things i've ever seen he's so filled with adrenaline and it was his pride i mean he was a juitsu master, and this guy got him in a jiu-jitsu hold and is basically going to break his fucking arm. Oh, my.

Straight arm bar. God. That was one of those. It's a lot of pain, man. It's terrible, terrible pain to experience. But his whole family was like that. I mean, his dad is famous for fighting this guy named Kimura, this big Japanese guy. His dad got his shoulder ripped apart by a Kimura.

It's called a Kimura, and it's a shoulder lock. But, you know, yank it behind his back. And he just didn't tap. Wouldn't tap. Got ripped his shit apart. And who knows how they pieced him together back then, because this was the 1940s. I mean, I don't know what the fuck they did

to put his arm together back then. I mean, what they did to Bobby Orr's knees back in the day, they just would just... They used to work at the gym where he worked out? Did I ever tell you this? Uh-uh. Is anybody still listening to this at this point, too? Like, we are listening to fucking Marathon.

This is what we always do. Bobby Orr, I was at the Boston. It is. We do, like, three-hour podcasts almost every time. We've done them with you, pal. You forgot already? No, I remember one time I went over to your house, and I woke up in my... Not when I woke up, but...

When the fucking thing was over. You forgot already? No, I remember one time I went over to your house and I woke up in my... Not when I woke up, but... When the fucking thing was over. Like, I didn't realize how much I was sweating. Like, my back and my knees to my ass. It was like I had ran a marathon. That was my shitty office, man. I was sitting in that vinyl fucking chair. It was leather.

It was real, legit leather. Legit. Marble collar. I didn't have any fucking vinyl in my house, Bill Burr. Whatever the hell it was Corinthian leather what was I just about to tell you that you just

found the last two and a half hours no what the fuck was I talking about no no it was past that we went past that the shoulder

how they put it together the 1940s fuck right after that there's somebody screaming at their car radio right now god damn it how they put it together, the 1940s. Fuck. Right after that. There's somebody screaming at their car radio right now. God damn it. You lost me. I lost my fucking point.

Come on, let's work it out. We're back. No, it's never coming back. It's over, Bill Burr. I don't know what the fuck I was going to tell you. Can you imagine how they built his, God knows what they did. That's that Bobby Orr shit.

Oh, Bobby Orr. That's it. That's it. Bobby Orr. Thank you. Got it. Thank you. Bingo.

I worked at the Boston Athletic Club in Southie, and I was a trainer there when I was 19. And Bobby Orr used to play racquetball there. And he had who knows how many knee operations. He was a very nice guy, Bobby Orr was. And super friendly to anybody who would come in. But I used to have to help him get on the VersaClimber. VersaClimber is one of those things, it looks like you're climbing, like the arms go up, and your right arm will go up, your left arm will go down, and the same with your feet.

And it's a great exercise. You know, I didn't get it until you made that noise. I remember. Absolutely. It's a great exercise. I didn't get it until you made that noise. I remember. Absolutely. It's a great – Oh, that's it. Yeah, I remember that. It's a great cardio exercise, like one of the best for jiu-jitsu.

Anyway, Bobby Orr gets on this thing and he can't really bend his knees. His knees – like this is a normal person's knee. They go from here to like there. That's how your knee goes. His knee goes like this clink clink he he gets like 15 degrees of movement i mean very little it was like bone on bone yeah so we used to have to pick him up just have to pick him up and uh get his feet into the thing and then you had to be there when he wanted to get get off of it as well as like his knees would

not bend correctly and when he was playing racquetball, he would just fall down. Like he would play racquetball and he would go for a ball and just fall. I mean he just – he didn't even try to stop it. He would just allow himself to fall. First Sam Kinison, now Bobby Orr. He just – he's killing me. No, listen. Bobby Orr was a great guy.

He had the same issue that a very good friend of mine has where they did those operations back back then first of all they used to cut you open like a salmon they would just they would just open you and then they would go into the hamstrings they pull the hamstrings out take a big chunk of it and then try to reconstruct your knee and it would almost always blow out so bobby had so many fucking surgeries his knees just on up and down both sides those guys out on the golf course when they wear shorts where they have that frankenstein car right over the patella? I have that. You have that? Yeah, that's my ACL.

But that one doesn't hurt at all. I had a patella tent. That's actually more new school. The ACL was on the side. The ACL is in the middle. The ACL is what connects the two together and keeps them from moving forward and backward. And there's obviously outside and there's a lot of different things. But one of the ways that they fix the ACL joint

is they take a piece of the patella tendon joint, which is the front one, which goes from the kneecap down. They take a slice of that because it's a big, thick one. Have you ever seen a cadaver? It's very thick, and you don't need it all. So they take a strip of that, and then they open you up. Yeah, I remember that show. And they open you up, and then they screw need it all. So they take a strip of that and then they open you up. Yeah, I remember that show. And they open you up

and then they screw it in place. So I have a screw in one and then another screw in another. It's still in there. Screws are still in there because it's old school. So when you go through security at the airport...

No, it doesn't beep. But it shows up in an MRI. Do you go through that thing where you stand there and do the Jay-Z thing? Yeah, I do it. I don't do it. You don't do it.

You don't have to worry about that one because that one isn't even radiation. That's actually radio waves. So they're looking for sharp metal objects. If you look, anybody 12 years or younger, they go, okay, go through the old school one. So it's like, what is that? Because that will disrupt him hitting puberty? Yeah, they do. No, it's because it's their little kid parts probably.

Huh? Well, they – Yeah, yeah. They probably – it's not legal to see a picture of your dick. Yeah. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah, because a lot of those – especially those naked imagery things. That was the thing.

You were getting like – there's been several versions of them. But like a 14-year-old, you can see that dick? That's okay? That's still underage. I don't know. They're talking dicks here. Maybe they just get nervous when someone's too young. Yeah.

I don't know. I just saw that. I'm like, if you hit me with enough shit to fucking too young. I don't know. I just saw that. I'm like, if you hit me with enough shit to fucking kill him, I don't want to go through it. I always go through the pat-down. You just get a pat-down? Always. Ari Shafir does it. He gets a pat-down and he berates them.

You guys are thieves. Thieves and losers and idiots. I've never seen anything like it. He gets angry at them. He doesn't anymore. He's backed off of it. And he's decided now to just be polite but object and tell them there's other ways to make a living. But they were – he goes, can we just go?

Come on. Do your thing. This is stupid. Nobody asked for this. You're not helping anything. This is a stupid, corrupt organization. So they go, we're going to get our supervisor. Oh, the head guy of your corrupt organization?

Bring that fucking idiot over here. You can say bring that fucking idiot over here? That's what he said. Yeah. Look, he was dangerously close to getting arrested. He came with me to Vegas, and he was dangerously close to it all going down. You should have recorded that, Joe. I was scared.

I didn't want to go down, too. I didn't want to go down with him. I was trying to think of who could open for me in Vegas. Who am I going to be able to call at the last minute when Ari's getting fucking arrested? Yeah, but you want to sit there. I don't understand that when something amazing is happening that all of a sudden you take out a camera and start filming it. Now it's like you're watching it on this small screen. It's like you have life, life screen.

Well, you just hold it up and still watch it at the same time. You hold it like that and you get both. But you've got to check the thing. It's just, you know. I guess, but I would like to have had that video. Wouldn't you're going to check the thing. It's just, you know. I guess, but I would like to have had that video. Wouldn't you have liked to have seen it? Right now we could have watched it.

Because he... If you know how to tell a story, you can paint a picture. I love it. Like, you guys kind of know what that dude looked like. You were in there. I mean, I told that

it was like a fucking eight, nine minute story. Ari calls them all thieves. You're thieves. You're all thieves. You don't hear this. They steal things. They steal things from your, which they occasionally do.

But you know what? That's because most of them are just regular folks working shitty jobs. And how many people listen to this podcast right now going, this motherfucker clears his throat one more time? Believe me, ladies and gentlemen, I don't want to be doing that. I'm sorry. You know right before 9-11, I was going through LAX, and it was like taking a red eye,

and James Brown was on the radio. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Get up. Get on up. And the girl was sitting there dancing and singing the song, and I fucking shot her a look, and I think she thought I was looking at her in a racist way. I was more looking like,

do you understand that my life is in your hands and you're sitting over here fucking sliding across the floor what the fuck are you doing and then a few weeks later that bullshit happened oh tsa person was doing that yeah defiantly singing the song staring at me because she she caught my vibe like what are you doing and then a few weeks later-11 happens, and then they got all these guys. Remember they had the fucking guys with the – it looked like we were in Israel for a second. Now those guys have gone away, and that's the exact same jerk-offs. Not all jerk-offs, but there's enough dead weight. Come on, TSA.

You know there's some people that shouldn't be on the squad. There's enough like – Well, they don't get paid that much. I mean if you're going to get people that work for essentially the same wages that someone does and they work for a fast food place, that's what you're going to get. If they really, truly gave a shit about your safety, they would get who that guy on my plane was pretending to be. They would get that guy and Ari would stand down because you would feel that Desert Eagle

vibe. They do. They do. They care. They care exactly as much as they have to, and if it costs them more to make you more safe, they're not really interested in it. What they're interested in doing is spend the minimum amount of money to get people to shut the fuck up,

and the reality is you're not going to get a lot of fucking attacks. You're going to get an occasional one every decade or so. You're going to have some shit go down, and you could make a fuckload of profit. I'm more concerned that they're now outsourcing. I saw, you know, once again, saw this. Didn't research it. What are they outsourcing? They're bringing in Indian people?

No, when they, after so many miles, you have to rebuild the jet engine. They're outsourcing it outside of this country country and the FAA can't regulate it. Oh, Jesus. That's not good. I saw a great video on YouTube on how a jet engine works, too. Suck, squeeze, bang, blow. Is that what it's called? That's the principles.

You suck in the air, you compress it, and then you mix it with the jet fuel and it fucking explodes and then you get your thrust. You start to learn shit. And that's how it makes clouds, too, right right and it goes through the atmosphere and picks up that video please those those cloud trails where the conspiracy theories think that they're spraying us they're spraying us man look at the clouds in the sky man i know i know a guy who uh said to a girl was talking about that shit chemtrails i don't know what his name yeah chemtrails was

talking about that shit and this girl's going you don't know what his name... Yeah, Chemtrails was talking about that shit and this girl's going, you're crazy, you're crazy. So one day you looked up and there was these weird fucking tic-tac-toe shit in the sky that you hadn't seen before and he just texts her the next day. He goes, look up.

Well, that's just flight patterns. I thought it was hilarious. What? That's flight patterns. Oh, Jesus. Come on. Well, that's what it is. It's like...

It is. You don't know what it is, neither do I. I do. I looked into it. Oh, did you? Yeah, because I got tired of arguing with Eddie Bravo. Which wing of the Pentagon did you walk in? Talk to pilots.

Hey, it's Joe Rogan from the UFC. Come on in. I talked to pilots, Bill Burr. So what? A pilot explained to me exactly what it is, what causes- Do you know how fucking annoying it is to someone who doesn't fly a plane to come up? That's the same person like somebody in the crowd going, how do you get your material? He's a friend of mine.

He's a jiu-jitsu guy. Friend of mine. He's a pilot. All right. I'm too far into this to say you're right. I was. Here's my counter. Why is it crisscross?

Why is it always going the same direction? I never saw it. What are they trying to do? They're fucking spraying us. Aren't they down here too? That's the problem with spraying. Oh, no, but I heard as long as you're up, they put the president up. That's how it works.

Hey, here's one. Every time those sprays are going on, Air Force One is in the air. Yeah. There's so many levels under the White House. They don't even stay in there. They have like, you know, lookalikes with like microchips.

Do you remember when after September 11th when Dick Cheney was always in the bunker? He was in the undisclosed location in the bunker. Remember that? You think he rubbed

one out in there? I don't think his heart worked good enough for him to rub one out. Probably, probably, that's probably how he blew his heart out.

Probably overdosed on Viagra and fucking blew a ticker. I can't advocate it. That guy is scary. If you're on nitrates, then you're not allowed to have Viagra. The Viagra fucks with guys that have heart problems. They take

nitroglycerin pills and nitrates. Apparently that stuff and Viagra all mix together. I know a guy where he had major health problems and he had to get his stomach stapled. And he was using Viagra and they said you can't use this stuff because the medicine he was taking for whatever else he had, they said it thins out your blood. If you have sex, I don't know, like the blood's gonna rush out of your head or whatever okay and you're gonna fucking die this is like true like i'm too stupid to remember what

he said right so he's like i was like doc you know if i i can't fuck i don't want to live this is the guy's like all right there is one way you get you can do it when you take the viagra okay you have to be on the bottom and you have to be laying down it's all about standing up up so it doesn't fucking rush down. So you've got to lay down and you can have this girl ride you, but you have for four hours, you have to lay in this bed and he's like, done, I'm doing it. This is how much the guy like, he goes, I don't, I can't get a pussy. I don't want to live, right? So he's fucking laying there and this girl rides him and he lays there for four hours, has no fucking problem. This is his thing thing and then he starts getting cocky three and a half hours three hours starts going on the computer sometimes he gets up too early and he's getting lightheaded and shit and he goes i didn't think anything about it and

uh he fucking was walking up a flight of stairs and it just went black and he was fucking unconscious and the only thing that saved him was he fell backwards down the stairs, and his legs were pointed up, and the blood came down. And at that point, my fucking career, bang, and it's over. It's over, and this guy – I'll tell you who – you know the guy. I'll tell you who it is afterwards. What the fuck? Have him tell you the story. Is it Ralphie May?

Huh? No. No. That didn't sound like Ralphie, did it? That was like Ralphie in Witness Protection. No, I just threw a guy out there. I don't know. I'm trying to get you to tell me who it was.

Who was it? Jay Moore? I'll tell you. He had to get his stomach stapled. You know? Jay had a little beer weight. That was it. You know?

He got it off. You know? Who was it? You sure I would know him? No, you know, actually, I don't. was it? You sure I would know him? No, you know, actually, I don't. I'm not sure that you would know him. Oh, okay. Boston guy?

Why are you going to Indianapolis, Joe? I'm telling jokes with Tony Hinchcliffe. We're going to be at the Murat Theater April 6th. All right, man. You don't have to tell me who the fuck it is. That stomach stapling thing, though. That's when we were off the air. Okay, I'll wait. I'll wait. I'm outside whenpling thing, though. That's when we were off the air. Okay.

I'll wait. I'll wait. I'm outside when I'm outside Thunderdome here. I'll tweet the results. No, I wouldn't do that to you. Yeah, you wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't.

You know what? No eye contact. Your eyes are closed. I wouldn't. Come on. That's not me. Joe, you want me to turn off the podcast? Remember when I used to kiss my camera?

You'd be like, Brian, turn off the camera. And that really meant, Brian, act like you're turning off the podcast remember when i used to kiss my camera you're you'd be like brian turn off the camera and that really meant brian act like you're turning off the camera and i got to the point where i would just act like i kissed the camera i'm like okay it's off now and no one like really caught it yeah who do we do that to like any anybody you know anybody that was like sketchy that wanted to like hide some information don't worry the camera's not on. That's stupid. Checks in the mail. This site is secure. That's the new checks in the mail. This site is totally secure. With those hacker fuckers,

nothing's ever secure anymore. The guy who built it has some sort of backdoor. That's how he gets pussy. Look at this site. Want to see the backdoor? Touch it. I'll show you the backdoor. One of the things that happened with us at Onnit.com is we hired a guy to do some coding for us for the gift certificates and stuff like that, for the website, and to set it up so you can gift people things. So this guy decided to outsource the coding. So we didn't even know.

We thought that this guy, who was a reliable guy, was going to do the coding. But what he did was he got his online friend from Vietnam, gave him the password to the servers, and allowed him to do the coding. And this guy went in and just started downloading all the credit card information. And so the FBI, we had to bring in the FBI to find out. And we went through this guy and we found out that that's apparently like super common. Because if you're paying this guy X amount per hour, he can go to Vietnam and say, hey, my Vietnam friend, I'll give you half that. You do all the work.

So this guy kicks back, collects fat checks, doesn't do a goddamn thing. That's apparently super common, this outsourcing. Yeah. That's why you never use your debit card ever. Really? That's your money. If something happens, that's you. That's your money.

Always use the credit card. That's the house's money. I'm not saying to rack it all the way up. I got a buddy of mine who prosecutes identity theft, and this is some real shit. This is real talk, yo. I had it happen to me. Always use. Me too. Always use. If someone's going to double swipe it, you want it to be their money. is some real shit this is this is real talk yo i had it happen to me always use always use if someone's gonna double swipe it you want it to be their money so then they call up and they're like

did you get a lap dance in toronto no i did not have fun with that shit i'm out right if you use your debit card now they got you they got your card and then it's like you have to go down to the fucking bank and be like i didn't spend 65 bucks at an auto zone and all of that shit you have to you have to go rather than it all of that shit. You have to go rather than it being a quick phone call, you have to go through all of this bullshit. It's still protected by the Visa card. That's why the Visa card

logo is on there, so the same rules apply because it's protected. If it's not... It's one of those things I don't want to fuck with. If you want to do it that way, absolutely. It's definitely better to do it through American Express. Yeah. Well, I just know it's a quicker phone call.

I know somebody had it recently. They had to go down to the bank. Oh. And I'm just so fucking lazy. Fucking take my identity. Jesus Christ. I don't want to go down to the bank. I got mine.

I know what happened with me. It was at a gas station because I didn't use it for anything else. And then all of a sudden I started getting these messages where they were saying, were you buying chocolate? I was like, what? That's right. Yeah, it was Godiva chocolate gift certificates for like $100, $500. Somebody special in your life? I'm like, not that special.

It was like a lot. It was like $500 worth of chocolate. You're trying to give somebody diabetes? I just love that there's somebody risk going to jail and like, you know what I'm going to do? Godiva chocolate. Let's hit there first. Well, no. The reason why they do that is they get gift certificates. That's what they were

doing. They were getting gift certificates. Oh, then they get the money back. And then they say, hey man, you want... I'm doing it in a black voice and I don't know why. I'll do it in a white guy. Hey man, would you like $500 worth of Godiva chocolates for $50? And so they can sell that for $50. Go on eBay. Here's another thing that they do

is they use the gift certificate and they don't use all of it and they try to get the change back. Can you do that? You can in some places. Some places you can do it. Yeah, you can in some places. I've seen people do that before. You can do that in some ways, but in a lot of ways they say, no, it's just store credit.

I got a buddy who's a lawyer, and whenever I go into the town where he prosecutes because he's the shit, if I have time, you just sit there and you watch a case. It's fucking unreal. Yeah, it must be weird. What have you seen? Have you seen a real one, like a murder case? I saw a drug one. I saw a drug one, and it was just fascinating because the first guy he brings up, the prosecutor,

this dude I know, was a moron, a fucking moron. He's sitting there, this cop, idiot, and the dude literally goes, like, hands him this. He goes, do you recognize this? And he looks at the piece of paper, and he goes, no, I don't. And they go, that's your police report. That's, like, how bad this guy was. And I was like, oh, my God, my buddy's going to get crushed in this one.

But, like, when it was over, he came up to me. He goes, how'd you like that? And I was like, that seemed awful. He goes, no, don't worry. He goes, I always start off with the weakest one. It gets the other people confident. And then it's almost like a comedy show. You start off with the fucking open mic

and then they slowly bring the noose around and then they actually, it was an arraignment to see if it was supposed to go to trial. And the dude, they actually had enough. So this guy was going to trial. And in the end, he walked by and he said to my buddy, he goes, I'm taking this all the way.

Like, is he like I'm fighting this all the way to the top. Like, dude, it was the sickest drama like ever. And there was a couple of old people in there. I'm like, do they like not have cable? And they just come down here and they're like, yeah, they come down and they want. I felt bad. Like I'm like this guy could go to jail and I'm sitting here being entertained by this. I wanted to see like, OK, I'm supporting my buddy. But like it was it was really like it was fucking unreal. It was way better than like even though the TV and they wrap it up. Didn't you? All right. I did it. You know, they do this stupid like, you know, you just yell at somebody.

Law and order. Yeah. To actually see that the way that they do it. It's dude, it's what it is, is you slow. It's like a boa constrictor. Every time you exhale, the prosecution's like a boa constrictor. Every time you exhale, the prosecution just gets a little tighter and tighter

and you see the person sitting there, their body language, they're all confident and then as evidence is getting introduced, you see them start kind of sitting up,

they start fidgeting. Dude, it is fucking, it's unreal. It's unreal. It's human drama, right? It's hard to, it's hard to deny. Somebody's freedom.

Yeah. I don't think I'll ever do it again because I felt bad because it was unbelievably, in a fucked up way, it was riveting. It was fucking riveting. Did you see that case where that chick who was accused of killing her roommate in Italy, she was acquitted because there was some sort of a problem with the evidence? Now they're trying to retry her. Now she's in Seattle. They go, we're going to try it again. Come on back to Italy.

Go fuck yourself. Yeah. Well, the United States is not going to extradite her either because the first case was over. There's no way I could ever sleep again if that happened to me. And can you imagine if it's just a country? Could you imagine if she actually killed her and got away with it? Absolutely. Now she's creeping around in Seattle.

Well, what if there's... Let me just – let's just go with my comedy angle here. Okay. Dude, you're just sleeping in Seattle just like Tom Hanks. Right. Or Melanie Griffith. Sleep less. Whoever, right? Sleeping in Seattle.

Throwing kicks in the night, right? And you just go to sleep every night knowing there's a country that's out to get you. It's an entire fucking country wants to get you. And so they're pulling every – it's like conversations going on in Washington, D.C. about you. Go, come on, man. Look, who do you want for this girl? Who do you want for Joe Rogan? Like they're trading you like a baseball card.

All right. You got a political prisoner. We want four of them. Dude, I'm not giving you four. I'll give you three. And you're sitting there. Then one day that fucking van pulls up. Dude, I would have a cyanide pill on me at all.

Even if I was wearing a tank top, I'd have it in little straps. I would just run to the ocean and swim as far as I could before I drowned. I'd want to go out on my own shield, just straight out, see how far I could get, try to swim to fucking Australia. I'd have so much hate, fish wouldn't even want me. You never leave home base. Like, you have to stay within the herd over here. You can't be that little fucking thing running on the side of the herd. Can't even go up to Canada for a fucking hockey game.

Who knows what happens when you go through customs? True. Okay, and she's right there. I would be sitting there going like, what if I got hammered one night and I started driving up to five and I wasn't paying attention and I fucking went through customs. They arrest me for drinking and driving and then they got some, they were in bed with the Italians because, you know, they don't have good pasta up there. They fucking hook them up.

Next thing you know, you're getting flied back. That's Seattle. You're in bed with the Italians because, you know, they don't have good pasta up there. They fucking hook them up. And next thing you know, you're getting fly back. That's Seattle. You're in bed with the Italians. No, no, no. Vancouver. Vancouver, okay. Vancouver right there

and you're in that fucking jumpsuit. Like, and then you know when you're sitting there, all you're thinking about was that Schwarzenegger movie, The Raw Deal, where he knocked the guy out

with the elbow and then climbed down the fucking landing gear and you land in the marsh. Right? Right. That's what I would be thinking of. Is that doable?

Is that fucking – Is that doable? And I know you just – you go like this. You cross your arms like this and you just – you jump in. Do you ever watch any of those shows where people have to live in the woods? Like those – Oh, yeah. Alaska's The Last Frontier type shows.

They got like a 1963 snowmobile. Yes. Whatta da. You hear it. Oh, oh, oh. I have to go all the way over here to get an English muffin. Run it up. Run it up.

No muffins. That's just like. You got to make your own English muffin out of a moose's asshole. They are literally burning 3,000 calories to get 1,500. It's true, yeah. It's like, how do you stay nourished? It's very hard. When it's really cold out, you get so fucking hungry

because your body burns off so much fuel just to try to stay warm. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're fucked. We got to do a new exercise video, just parachute out of this business. We'll just do the Alaskan workout. You tell me what to do. I'll do it. What you do is you just stick people in these extreme conditions like when it's snowing out. Just near

a mall. I mean, you're right near. Shit, there's an ambulance there, but you just make them keep going up and down the hill. As far as that guy goes in the middle of Alaska, you're just like, dude, you can't come back to civilization. That's right there. You can literally see a JCPenney, but we're not fucking letting you back until you go up and down this mountain a zillion fucking times. And they'll burn all that stuff.

And then you take them over to the Orange Julius. That sounds like prison. That doesn't sound like a real workout. Well, every exercise video is slowly working towards that. Towards prison? Like, they're stupid. What people are doing is they're just blowing out their joints. Like, if you just knew how to fucking eat, you don't have to go, like,

people are going to need hip replacements. You don't go on a fucking elliptical and for an hour straight do the exact same motion. You're going to have the running, the hips of James Brown. Actually, an elliptical machine's not bad for you. It's horrific. Really?

I have momentum. Don't fuck with me. Okay, I'm sorry. I just don't want to give anybody any shitty advice. A lot of people on this podcast are listening. You should have never had me here. That's what I'm all about. That's what I'm all about.

I don't think elliptical is non-impact. I don't think it's bad for your body. Well, let's look it up. Let's find out. You know how to get around everything in moderation. Elliptical, bad for hips. Okay, let's check it out. I have one at home.

I love it. The whole baby boomer generation, they're all getting hip replacements and knee replacements. Ooh, osteoarthritis of the hip and elliptical exercising. Oh my God, you might be onto something.

I've been told by four surgeons. Check this out. Well, dude, even the workout you're doing where you have to fucking consume a whale's worth of fish oil every day so you can brush your teeth. I mean, there's got to be like oh yeah you're in phenomenal fucking shape but it's just like you know those joints gotta last you forever well you know what the reality is is we're

all going to be on roid soon they're already doing it with old people that's synogenics late at night when they show those guys that's hgh they're just roiding up old people well it's i'm on that i'm on i'm on human growth hormone and I'm on testosterone supplement. And are you finding your organs are getting bigger? No. Can you not button your shirts anymore? No, no, no. You could if you went crazy and took like bodybuilding size doses

of that shit. Every once in a while your head kind of slowly go down and you have that private pile look on your face and then your wife's just like, Joe, I'm already in a world of shit. I am. The idea is to give your body these bioidentical hormones that are the same level of the hormones when you were young. And you get so much more energy.

I mean, it's amazing how much better you feel. It's a very controversial thing. And some people say, well, you should be worried about what happens to your body. You don't want to be in the forefront of anything. Well, you're not. People have been doing this for a long fucking time. What you have to worry about is abuse, like anything. The most important thing is you get your blood work done,

you do it with an ethical doctor, and you can't be one of those people. What if he outsources your blood test like that fucking guy on your website? It's local. But you have to worry about. It's clean. Yeah. You have to worry about abuse. Like if a person's impulsive, like they essentially they'll give you this testosterone cream that you rub on you.

If you're a nut, you just fucking take four times the dose and rub it on yourself. And all of a sudden you're like, ah, your dick's like a fucking crowbar. And you're redlining your adrenal system and your endocrine system. You don't want to do that. You want to make sure that you do exactly what you're supposed to. It's very minimal doses. It's like the way Keith Richards does blow. Yeah, probably.

I mean, Keith Richards, like, legendarily, though, used to be. He had a bad period. I read his book, man. It was great. He goes, I had that bad period that just followed me forever. He goes, all these people who died. He goes, you don't do a line of coke and just sit there and do another one. He goes, you walk around, blah, blah, a couple more hours, you take another.

He's very like, he knew how to do it. Slash's book was another one where he knew how to do it. Like he was in, you know how some people just use comedy as a stepping stone to get to acting? And then there's people who just love it. Like I love seeing the mic stand, you know, when there's nobody in there and it's lit and shit. I'm a nerd. I love it. I am too.

Slash, like as a junkie, like I was reading it, it was like he made it sound interesting. He goes, I love the whole thing. I love copping the stuff. I hope I'm not misquoting him, but it was basically the gist. I love the whole cooking it up. Wow. He goes, I was really into it, but it seemed like because, you know, it's kind of like a guy who just sits down and plays drums and a guy can actually tune him and build a car or whatever. I'm all over the fucking thing.

No, you're not. You make a lot of sense. And it's also, I think, if you're a guy who is, well, like for us, stand-up comics, there's not like a whole history of heroin use. But for musicians, Jesus Christ, I mean, how many great musicians, Kurt Cobain, et cetera, et cetera, how many great musicians also had heroin problems? And I think there's a connection there. There was a guy from Alice in Chains, Layne Staley, huge heroin addict.

I mean, there's so many great musicians that were also – had a problem with junk. I just don't know why you would ever fuck – at this point, there's just – So much evidence that's fucking terrible for you. I think it's supposed to be an unbelievably amazing feeling. It's really fucking much more scary. I like that Alan Arkin movie where he's just like, I'm going to do it when I'm 80. You know? Yeah.

Just fucking. Yeah. Feel that. Well, didn't Stanhope have a bit about something along those lines? Stanhope had a bit about the really dangerous drugs like save them for when you're like really old the ones that kill people you know like when it doesn't matter anymore i forget right maybe stand up but i've been told by this we should go back to this elliptical thing so people know um four surgeons that looked in the x-rays and say i have rco

arthritis and need a total hip replacement i'm scheduled blah blah blah i used to play racquetball three to four times a week but i had to to stop. The question is, should I have, should I stop using the elliptical machine? That sounds like a pretty existing condition. Yeah, this is, yeah, this is not what I was looking for. Sorry. Why the elliptical machines are bad. Okay, here's one that says something. Why elliptical machines are bad for your body. Here's what it says. Popular piece of equipment, but it really is... Elliptical machines overestimate the number of calories burned in a workout by 31%.

Huh. So they don't burn nearly as much calories. That's it. I love a good skin I just want to know If it's fucking people up Doesn't seem to be Dude the fact that you can

Dance during a show And you need like A hip replacement Like over the years Of just kind of doing The same dance move Like Prince James Brown

They needed like Hip replacements from dancing So here you are You're not a hoofer Prince needed a hip replacement Yeah What For real I thought I heard that hip replacements from dancing. So here you are. You're not a hoofer. Prince needed a hip replacement? Yeah. What?

For real? I thought I heard that. You're awesome. I'll get it. No, I really pay attention to how much shit I say, and I always clarify it with, I can't remember who said it. Wow. I wish more people would do that.

Has reportedly needed a double hip replacement. Didn't Gaga just get that also? Maybe he did. What's that, buddy? Didn't Gaga just get that also? Maybe he did. What's that, buddy? Didn't Gaga just get that also? Lady Gaga got a hip replacement? Yeah. I heard from somebody else,

because sometimes they just say that because they just can't tour anymore. They're like, ah, my hip's fucked up. I'm out. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm taking off. I've got to tell you, Redman, the shit I've overheard.

Yeah. Apparently said something. Yeah, he's needed a hip replacement since 2005, it's saying. That he avoids it. Oh, that's good. Every year they get better at it. It's like the whole hair plugs thing. Prince has been told by doctors that he needs a hip replacement.

The fallout from years of dancing on stage in high-heeled boots. Yep. Wow. Lady Gaga cancels entire tour, prepares for hip surgery. Well, it might not be a replacement. Replacement's rough for a young girl like that. Mark Coleman, former UFC

heavyweight champion, just had his hip replaced. Fucking serious shit, man. That's a rough one. Apparently they know how to do it really good now. I had a buddy of mine. We went to a game and he had handicapped plates. And I thought it was like his grandmother's car or something. He said, no, I just had my hip replacement.

I was like, where? It was like six weeks ago. He's just sitting there walking. I'm like, dude, what the fuck? He goes, yeah. He goes, I needed it like five years ago. And the guy told me if I can tough out the pain, just wait. And he did.

And that's the thing. Like, I'm telling you, as far as like the hair stuff goes, you know, like they're going to come up with a pill, dude. But there's going to be a price you have to pay if you want a full head of hair. I think like it's like would you take a pill to get your hair back, right? That like they strap you down. And it's like for 90 seconds it's gonna feel like your fucking head's on fire is that shit is that shit gross but in the end you're gonna have like game show that's it 90 seconds yeah yeah i'll be on fire yeah i would definitely do it because for first

of all 90 seconds i would want to know like what they think hair on fire would feel like not here your head on fire would feel like. Not hair on fire. Your head on fire would feel like. Your head on fire. Because everything else is so overrated, like what people talk about, like how much things hurt. Like tattoos. I fell asleep getting tattooed. Tattoos are not that painful. There's a few spots. I'm not talking about getting a butterfly in your ass. I'm talking about your head being on fire.

I'm talking about my whole fucking, my arms are sleeved. I fell asleep. Do you know how many people have those? It's a bunch of people. Yeah, it's not hard. But what I'm saying is if you ask some people, they go, oh, my God, it's so painful. But it's not really that painful. Laser tattoo removal is supposed to be more painful than tattooing itself.

But I think, like, most people exaggerate about what things – as long as it didn't kill you, I'd go, okay. 90 seconds is not that much. I would try just to feel what it feels like. I don't know. I would try just to feel what it feels like. I don't know. I don't know. You know what would be funny? Is then like it would become like if you see a bald guy who would be considered a pussy because he can't just take 90 seconds.

Oh, he's a man who accepts his fate. That's what he would argue. But you know all those guys with the guy's smiley haircut at that point. Fucking tussling their hair would be giving them a shit. Come on. Why don't you do it? We'll do it right here at the bar. With that Patrick Swayze roadhouse hair.

No, you know what they'd do? It would be like the accused. Some bald guy would finally get held down and they'd give him the... Come on, college kid, you're next. I'm happy they did it to me

in the long run, but they really shouldn't have done it to me. What's that? I like having my head shaved now, but I wouldn't do it now. I'd love to have a shaved head, but they just say, oh, you get more acting work with it. I mean, eventually, I'm not doing anything about my hair falling out, so eventually I'm

going that route. And I just think, look, if I was going to be a sex symbol, wouldn't it happen by now? I mean, I'm so clearly the friend. How old are you now? 44. Yeah, you're done. It's over. It's a wrap.

And you know what? There's nothing better than acknowledging that. I mean, I'm keeping the rest of it looking good. But what the fuck are you going to do? Well, I didn't acknowledge it. I had hair transplants. Now, do they take little plastic things with hair stuck? Do you have those ones?

No, no, no. The bald hair ones? No, they take a slice out of the back of your head. Oh, you had that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They take like a strip. And they put it on the Petri dish? Well, now ones? No, they take a slice out of the back of your head. Oh, you had that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They take like a strip. And they put it on the Petri dish? Yeah.

Well, now they got it where they just vacuum it out. They take one at a time. And they drop it in. Dude, and it is- You don't see the hole. I had a buddy of mine going, dude, you should do it. You should just fucking do it. And I sat down and watched it.

Dude, it is a bloody fucking mess. It doesn't- It's not that big a deal. It doesn't hurt. But I would say never do it for two reasons. One, because I mean, I wound up shaving my head and I have this big stupid smile on the back of my head. But two, because just shave your fucking head. It's really not that big a deal.

Once you do it, you go, why would I ever get a haircut again? It's so stupid. It's like getting attached to just like some shit that grows out of your head. It's so weird. You know what's the worst one? It's a fucking toupee. Like this hat you just can't take off. Like how fucking sweaty.

Especially if you exercise. Have you ever seen those hair for men? Those guys are fucking playing tennis and shit and running and sweating. And what is it? They just sew it. It's like a weave for guys. Yeah. Well, your existing hair, when I was a young man, when I was worried that I was going to go bald,

I thought about all the possibilities. I looked into everything. I wanted to find out what everything was. But the Hair Club for Men one, some of them, they're like your existing hair goes through it. So it's like a thing that they lay on top of you and your hair goes through it. So it's some of your hair and some of the fake hair, and then they kind of like glue it on. It's death oh i had a friend who had one for a long time and then he uh he eventually abandoned it there's a few i actually know quite a few people that have had them but it's uh it's a

gross fucking sweaty thing and once you just accept it like you get used to the fact that you don't have your hair anymore it's like it's so freeing like once i shaved my head i got to the point where even though I had hair transplants, it still looked like shit. I was like, you know what? Let me just shave this shit. The stuff in the back never comes out.

So we put it up here. Right. And it's like, well, the rest of this shit's going to fall out. So then what's going to happen? And then also it's like, I feel like I'm dropping this shit behind enemy lines.

Like they're in the safety zone here. The way I described it is like taking a bunch of people who are really healthy and moving them into a neighborhood where everyone's dying. Oh, there you go. It's like, where's Mike? He's dead. What? He was right there. He's so near. The way I described it is like taking a bunch of people who are really healthy and moving them into a neighborhood where everyone's dying. Oh, there you go. It's like, where's Mike?

He's dead. What? He's dead. He's right there. He's gone. Yeah, yeah. They fly off and they never come back. Yeah.

But the pills, though, what I was going to get into is like I tried Propecia. That's the shit they give you for your, you know, to kill the – It makes your hair grow back. It kills whatever it is. The testosterone bio by DHT, dihydrotestosterone DHT is what apparently makes your, uh, your hair fall out. Right. But, um, it also kills your dick.

At least it did mine. It would be, it's all kind of like, I, I, I believe in the whole, there's no getting your cake and eat it. It's like, all right, if you get your hair back that you gotta like, you you got something has to be taken away that's what i love about the overall arc of breaking bad it's everything time they get to a level like there's something there's something that loses right and this and another part of their soul gets like taken away and i feel like that like dude you have no idea all these drugs what the fuck this is doing to your liver? I found out the other day this stuff that rhymes with Rylenol PM. I just don't want to get you in trouble.

I heard taking a couple of those is like going on a three-day bender. It's very bad for your liver. And I kind of went to the drugstore because I needed some. I still take it every once in a while, and they don't have it. It got recalled. Really? Rylenol BM. BM. BM. PM. Recall. Liver. Yeah. don't have it it got recalled really ron leno bm bm p.m recall liver yeah i'm i'm i'm sure that's it's fucking our friend tim ferris says it best there's no biological free lunch he's like anything

that has a profound effect on your body is most likely having some sort of a negative effect whether it's positive or negative there's some some sort of a bounce back. I love it. I love how you can't win. Yeah. Well, not yet. But, you know, you think about what you can get away with now as opposed to what you used to be able to get away with. Not yet, which is why those old guys, they're putting them on HGH. Because that's not for us.

That's for the fucking guys up top. They're using them as guinea pigs. Let's see if we can keep these guys alive. You'd be amazed at how many old dudes are doing that shit. You'd be amazed how many old rich guys that I know that are taking testosterone replacement. I was talking about it recently. He goes, the guy was a fucking riot. He was talking about how many agents he knew in Hollywood who would take, they were taking

this testosterone shit because they thought it gave them an edge. And I was just thinking of some roided up guy trying to get you a fucking audition for According to Jim. According to Jim. According to Jim. Listen, motherfucker. I need my guy to be the fucking wacky neighbor.

My guy's your guy. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, most of those things are bad for you. Even the regular ibuprofen's not so fantastic for you. Didn't Rob Wolf

tell us that shit was terrible for us? Anyway, Bill, where are you the fucking man? It tell us that shit was terrible for us? Anyway, Bill, where are you, the fucking man? It was an awesome time. I do. It was a howl, as always.

It's an honor, my friend. I hope it was. I hope it was. It always is, my brother. Where are you at next? Where can the powerful people see you? I'm going through the Dirty South. Oh!

I'm going to go, let's see, where the hell am I? That's the, what the fuck? Friday's the 5th, Sunday's the 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 9th, Athens, Georgia, the 10 that's friday's the fifth sunday's the sixth seventh well let's what is it athens georgia the 10th i'm at the star dome in alabama on the 11th i'm

doing a theater in uh south carolina but whatever your capital is columbia i think and then i got two shows at the tabernacle on that friday in atlanta i take two days off. In Atlanta? Yeah, I'm going to the Masters. And then I go. The Masters Golf Tournament? Golf, yep. Oh, you're a big golf fan? I just, I'm a sports fan. Oh, yeah? I love going there, and I think Tiger's back.

He just fucking, he looks, I think he's going to do it. If I could, dude, that's Jordan with the golf club. And then I'm going to go on Monday night. I got two shows at Tampa Tuesday, two shows at Florida State. And then the Wednesday, I'm at the Jackie Gleason Theater in Miami Beach. BillBird.com. Doing a run. Go and check it out.

The Tabernacle is where I filmed my last special. Oh, it is? It's a fucking great place. Loved it. Amazing. Atlanta's amazing. It's a great fucking town. It's so integrated.

What I like about Atlanta is people are like black people and white people. You're still hanging together. It seems completely normal there. Yeah, and then when you get outside of it, it becomes the South again. Word. Bill Burr, ladies and gentlemen. Go to BillBurr.com and go see Bill live. He is one of the funniest guys working today, and that is no bullshit.

I feel the same way about you. It's an honor, my brother. An honor, as always. And his special is only $5. Oh, you have one of them 5L specials too? of the funniest guys working today and that is no bullshit it's an honor my brother an honor as always specials only five dollars oh you have one on final specials too yeah it's only five bucks it's a great way to you know who did yours i did oh you did it yourself and released it on okay go to billbird.com and go get that shit you fucks jesus christ when did that come out in uh well debuted i went straight to netflix and then after people watched it on that, then I had to deal with like six weeks later you could download it. Yeah, I love Netflix.

I did my 2005 special with them, man. It was great. That's my HBO. I love them. Powerful Netflix. Go to BillBurr.com and go buy it. Support Bill Burr. Honestly, one of the funniest guys working today.

$12 a month. Yeah, I love Netflix. I love the shit out of them. I would fuck them if they were human. Stamps.com. Yeah, I love Netflix. I love the shit out of them. I would fuck them if they were human. Stamps.com is one of our podcast sponsors, the newest,

latest, and greatest. If you go to stamps.com, click on the microphone, and type in J-R-E. That's for the Joe Rogan Experience. I broke my scale. If you guys are listening,

they'll hook you up. They'll hook you up. Are you actually sending things yourself? Who do you call? What are you sending? My DVDs to my road gigs. Do you send them?

Oh, okay. Powerful. Powerful, Bill Burr. Stamps.com. Who do you call? I don't know. We'll figure it out. Just go to the store and buy one.

Why would you fucking deal with it? We already talked about this before with fucking the Netflix thing. Let's go down to the store. Get a scale. Imagine if they had DMV.com and you didn't have to go to the DMV. Oh, they do, I think, but it doesn't work that way. You should go. They should look in your eyes and find out if you're a fucking mess.

So dumb. They have that? Yeah. They have a website? Yeah, they must. Stamps.com. That's the last dumb thing I'm going to say. Use the code name JRE.

Save yourself some money, you fucks. There's a beautiful $110 bonus offer included at digital scale and up to $55 of free postage. Thank you also to Onnit.com. If you go to O-N-N-I-T and use the code name Rogan, you can save yourself off 10% off any and all the most delicious supplements that we have available. Actually, some of them taste like shit. This T-plus testosterone, I'm going to tell you right now, this stuff tastes like shit. Some of them taste like shit. This T plus testosterone, I'm going to tell you right now, this stuff tastes like shit.

So if you have something that you like tasting, I've been throwing it into my protein drinks. I don't do that anymore because my protein drinks, the hemp protein, hemp force, tastes awesome. But T plus tastes like shit. So I drink it outside of that. I mix it up. I'm all about the carbohydrate shakes. Yeah? Carbohydrate shakes. Great after working out.

I'm going the other way. You're going the other way. No protein. Carbohydrate. I like how you do thatydrate shakes. Great after working out. I'm going the other way. You're going the other way. No protein. Carbohydrate. I like how you do that. You're a contrarian. Just blowing up. Folks, we will be back.

The next podcast we have is actually this Saturday with Stanley Krippner, who is a psychedelic pioneer. Like a really fascinating old dude. Like a really fascinating old dude. We're going to get to talk to a guy who was friends with McKenna and Timothy Leary. And he has a lot of insight on... You guys are also going to reach out to Lee Majors, right? We're going to try. We're going to try. Onnit.com.

O-N-N-I-T. Codename Rogan. Go fuck yourself. We'll see you guys on Saturday. Big kiss. Mwah. Big kiss.