The Joe Rogan Experience - #347 - Joey Diaz
Episode Date: April 12, 2013Joey “CoCo” Diaz is a Cuban-American stand up comedian and actor. Joey also hosts his own podcast called “The Church of What’s Happening Now” available on Spotify. ...
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The Joe Rogan Experience. fucking half an hour ago we don't need to play that goddamn song yeah the thing about uh mountain
lines joey joey diaz here joey diaz is in the house ladies and gentlemen for the people we need
to stop editing this thing too just fucking accept it serious can edit it everybody else can go fuck
themselves and that's really all that's happening right it's just the series that's editing the
first part of the commercials out but during the commercials sometimes the best shit we say
sorry so if you listen to this on Sirius, you gotta go to iTunes.
Maybe we should just mix the commercials in.
Like in an hour, we'll just pull out a cell phone
and be like, damn.
Mix it in like fake? Hey, Brian,
what is that cell phone you have in your hands?
Tell me about Ting.
We should just do it once for fun.
But
the issue with the mountain lions, where they're seeing
more of them. There's one of them that got tranquilized yesterday in Glendale.
We're talking about this.
I saw one last week in Santa Barbara.
And, of course, there was the big one in Santa Monica that they killed, which I think was about a year ago.
But they're not using dogs to hunt them anymore in California.
They changed the regulations.
And when you change the regulations, you're going to have
more mountain lions. It's still
legal to hunt mountain lions because they're trying to keep
the population under control, but
by not allowing hunters to use dogs,
hunters say that's the most
effective way to kill mountain lions
and still incredibly difficult.
What kind of dogs? They use hounds.
They use hunting dogs.
These specially trained dogs are designed to go find mountain lions.
They find mountain lions and they tree them, and then the hunter shoots them.
And that's almost the only way to catch these fucking things, okay?
Because they're in the woods, okay?
When you're talking about intelligence, like nature intelligence, they're way fucking smarter than you.
They know they're not going to get below you.
They're going to stay above you. They know that it's harder to run uphill than it is downhill.
They, they, they like, they have like instinctual things that you as a city person that's wandering
through the woods, you don't know what the fuck is going on. You don't, you, you literally need
dogs to find them because they're too fast. They're just going to, they're going to hear you
walk in and they're going to be like, bitch, get the fuck out of here. They're cats. They're big, giant cats that are living in the woods.
And we have this weird attachment to certain aspects of what shouldn't be legal when it comes to managing the wildlife around us.
But you've got to be really fucking careful about allowing predators to take hold.
I mean, you've got to be really careful. Because right now, we're fine.
But the balance can shift.
And you start getting to an Australia crocodile situation.
Where this place is in Australia, you can't fucking go.
Because if you go, you will get eaten by crocodiles.
They will come and they will fucking get you.
And there's too many of them.
And, you know, there's areas of the water.
You can't go there.
If you go there, you're going to get got.
It's just going to happen.
I don't find that acceptable.
I just don't find that acceptable.
I think the idea behind it is ridiculous.
90% of everything that's ever existed is extinct.
90 fucking percent.
I don't think there'd be any problem with getting rid of crocodiles.
I mean, it would be kind of cool to keep them around and look at.
But if it had to do with like crocodiles overpopulating and starting to fucking kill people
you can't you can't think about them as being like one of us you can't think about them as
being like they're part of nature now that's a monster that's godzilla mountain lions that's
the wolfman you might as well get i mean if a mountain lion gets you or the wolfman gets you
it's the same shit you just got got night night night night bitch night night one of those
big cats gets you dude shit fuck wow jesus that's a monster that's a goddamn monster no it's a
mountain lion and we are working so hard to conserve and protect these killers these things
that need to kill every day,
these monsters that run faster than us,
jump higher than us,
and only kill things with their face.
That's all they do.
And they can kill you.
And even if you have a knife,
they could still probably kill you.
Even if you have two knives,
they'd probably kill you.
Even if you're trained.
They don't give a fuck.
Probably kill you.
That first lunge that they go
That rips a limb that'll you fucking what do you call that vein that starts bleeding it could carotid artery and they hit it from every Angle you follow your vein every angle the way they swat at you don't get something. Yeah
And I'll tell you what listen you know what the biggest animal I ever saw in Boulder was
what
a snake
really
right off Lee Hill Road
I never seen nothing like that
one of those yellow motherfuckers
coiled
like this thick
what kind of snake was it
I stopped and asked him
you know
I asked him where he was from
how long he'd been in such
you think it was like
a python or something
I almost fucking died
someone's like pet
that they let out
I don't know
most likely right it was on my father-in-law's property and he was I was like what the fuck we had to pull over Like a python or something? I almost fucking died. Someone's pet that they let out? I don't know. Most likely, right?
It was on my father-in-law's property.
And I was like, what the fuck?
We had to pull over.
Apparently, that's a thing they have a real issue with in Florida.
People just take pythons and they're like, this thing's too big.
Fuck this.
They just throw it out the door.
That's it.
Fucking.
And you know it's white people, by the way.
Yes.
No, no, no.
It's crazy white people in Florida.
Man, I got me a python.
You want to see it eat a rabbit?
Come on, feed my snake a rabbit.
And then all of a sudden you realize, well, you got a rabbit-eating monster living in your house.
And then one day it wraps around your arm and won't let go.
And you're like, all right, I got to get rid of this thing.
It's 18 feet long.
So you take it out to the fucking swamp and just go, go, be free, my friend.
I didn't want to take it and kill it.
I mean, I knew it was thinking about killing me, but it's my pet my pet i had a connection to it so i just let it loose in the swamp
i saw a homeless person walking down the street with a snake around his neck like a big one too
it's like that was his pet homeless guy with a snake scariest thing ever yeah reptiles are
weird man there's a that's a there's a weird thing with reptiles because they don't give a fuck about you.
They never give a fuck about you.
They're just conditioned to maybe do or not bite you.
To bite you or not bite you.
Hmm, what should I do?
They have to think about it.
But they might just decide to fucking bite you.
But if you feed them and if you keep feeding them, you stay with them and you become this connection to food for them, they'll accept you. But if you feed them, and if you keep feeding them, you stay with them, and you become this connection to food for them, they'll accept you. But if you die, they're not going to
cry. They don't give a flying fuck about you. And if they were hungry, and they thought they could
eat you, of course they would eat you. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how long you've been
feeding them. You've got a 20-foot long python in your house, bitch. You're living in his house, okay?
You are his little slave, and you are bringing him offerings.
That's King Kong.
That thing is tied to a fucking pole.
That's a monster.
And as long as you keep feeding it, maybe it'll let you come close.
I mean, maybe.
Where you got it? In your backyard?
What are you doing there?
You got a little cage back there, you crazy fuck?
I can't deal with that shit anymore.
So they can't even kill him, man.
I can't go to somebody's house and see him give like a white fucking mouse to this thing,
especially when I'm high.
Oh, yeah, it's weird.
I've seen it.
I've seen people say, come over and let me show you.
Oh, yeah, I've seen it.
And I had a friend.
That's why I don't like it.
But man, that's fucking creeped out for me.
I don't know.
It's completely creeped out.
I don't know.
They're terrifying animals.
And those motherfuckers who wear the snakes snakes walk outside with the snakes around their head,
it's those motherfuckers and people with a bird on their shoulder, which makes me want to snap.
You understand me?
Especially like a parakeet or something on your shoulder.
And I sit there and I get so high sometimes I can see a fucking eagle just dip.
You never see that.
I would love to see something like that.
Like some jerk off doing magic tricks with a fucking parakeet on his shoulder.
And all of a sudden, one of those fucking birds that just comes swooping on you.
Takes your fucking bird and the fucking ear off.
There's a great video of a hawk that comes into an eagle's nest to try to get the eagle's babies.
That comes into an eagle's nest to try to get the hawk's, the eagle's babies.
And the eagle just goes, bitch, wham, grabs it and eats it in front and starts feeding it to the babies.
Wow.
It's fucking crazy.
An eagle just flies into this hawk's, or a hawk rather, just flies into this eagle's nest.
Wow.
It's crazy. I know that there was a guy on.
Here it goes.
Look at this.
Watch this. This eagle's there was a guy on this. Here it goes. Look at this. Watch this.
This eagle's just chilling, covering its babies.
And this hawk is like, come here, give me your babies.
And the eagle's just like, bitch.
Don't you know this is America?
Kills it on top of his babies.
Look at this.
Wow.
Or her babies, rather.
I'm sure that's a mama, right?
Only the mamas are the ones who guard the nest, I believe.
I don't know, though.
But look, he fucks up that hawk and eats it.
That's great.
Yeah, they caught that on an eagle camera because they have a nest camera to monitor these birds.
But what a creepy world.
So the eagle is the meanest one.
Oh, they're the baddest motherfuckers.
Okay, so do they have those in Hollywood?
Did you ever see?
No, no, no, no.
So what's in Hollywood, my friend?
Hawks.
Okay, the Hawk.
He has on Vista, right next to all those streets where we used to have Curse on and El Compadre,
him and his wife put cameras because they would wake up in the morning and see dead pigeons or something.
Yeah.
And they couldn't figure out what it was.
And one day they got a, Keith.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. and figure out what it was. And one day they got a... Keith! Okay. The guy who got a picture of a fucking pigeon landing
and then this thing coming behind it,
grabbing it,
and ripping its fucking head off.
Wow.
Like a monster.
Just ripped his head off
and started eating it without the fucking head
right there on Vista on Sunset.
I went to the Museum of Natural History.
Tremendous.
And that's where you get to see.
It's amazing, amazing.
That one piece with the thing hanging,
the whale on top.
Oh, it's crazy.
It's still there.
The dinosaurs alone, the gigantic skeletons they have, it's an incredible place.
It's incredible.
Fuck it.
But they showed the transition between a dinosaur and bird.
And that's a dinosaur.
They explain the whole thing.
The dinosaurs that survived became birds.
When you see an eagle, that crazy, cunty monster that represents our country, explain the whole thing like the the bird the dinosaurs that survived became birds when you
see an eagle that crazy cunty monster that represents our country like what a perfect
thing to represent our country like we always i always thought the eagle's proud the eagle's bull
the eagle is a cunty monster from the past that somehow or another has managed to stay alive
and as long as you keep giving it birds it'll let you fucking hold it you know the only the only thing about eagles is they're not quite big enough to kill us
they're not quite big enough you know i'll kill an eagle man i'll probably get fucked up a little
bit i'll get scratched up a bit but if i get a hold of an eagle i'm gonna kill that fucking thing
don't take the finger off right yeah probably fuck me up pretty bad i'll probably be cut up
pretty hard but i'm'm going to win.
I'm going to kill that fucking eagle.
And he knows it.
He knows it.
He looks at it and he goes, damn, I wish I could kill you.
But you're just a little too big.
Because an eagle's only like 50 pounds or something, right?
You know, they look, I mean, they're pretty fucking scary.
And like I said, they will fucking hurt you. But most likely, they're not going to be able to take you out.
But they've tried to pick up kids and shit.
Eagles have picked up little boys before.
Tried to fly off with them.
As a matter of fact, there's a video of an eagle picking up a kid.
That's a fake video.
Is it a fake video?
Yeah, that was a bunch of students.
Those sons of bitches.
You're talking about something you're scared of chickens.
They got me.
Great video, though.
Like, I see a chicken dog and I panic.
Like, I'm scared of chickens.
When I see chickens moving, I fucking panic.
I don't like that shit at all.
I could go into one of those butcher shops that have these animals, those Italian, like
Margolizzano in the East Coast.
You ever go to those places where your mom goes in Newark and they have the fucking Italian
butcher?
Right, right.
And you go in there, they have like everything.
Like all those, what's the burqa whale?
Right.
And they'll have like a chicken and the other thing.
Then they get exotic.
Wow.
They have like another thing.
Eagle?
Do they serve eagle?
Depends where you go, you know what I'm saying?
Depends who you know.
I know people are into eating, like, shit like eagles, dude.
But this is the place where you could stick your hand in, and the guy would take the chicken out and break its neck.
Wow.
And you cut it, and then your mother brings it home for a chicken.
So you get, like, pheasants, maybe?
Yeah, they got all that shit.
I mean, in the old days, they probably had, like, polar bears.
They don't give a fuck.
They had everything. Those Italians, they had everything you shit. I mean, in the old days, they probably had like polar bears. They don't give a fuck. They had everything.
Those Italians, that's what you're going to eat.
An alligator, we got it.
Just give me 15 minutes.
Well, apparently there's a company that will serve you like lion steaks.
Yeah, there's everything.
They'll sell you like, yeah, it's some sort of exotic game meat company.
And they'll sell you lion.
You can eat lion.
And Colorado is known for that shit.
Restaurants, kabloonics.
I taught, we discussed this, where they take you they pick you meet up at the top of snowmass
village and they take you there in those things with the dogs right they take you over a mountain
you your wife they put blankets on you it has to be in the winter this is real shit they pick you
up at 5 30 sharp you get there you come out you can order alligator, fucking dinosaur, fucking Puerto Rican meat, anything.
You can order anything, a fucking rat, anything.
It's amazing.
I never went there, but I knew the guy that had the dogs that would whip the fucking dogs and shit over there.
Oh, he's like a sledder, one of those sledder guys?
But I know that if you fly into China, Hong Kong, don't quote me on which continent.
There's a restaurant that just specializes in testicles.
Oh, Jesus.
Did you see that shit?
Every type of testicle.
There's one that belongs to like a fucking Allah.
It's a stem.
And that's the big one that comes in a soup.
It's like a testicle soup.
I think it's like $1,800 for the fucking soup.
Oh, my God. You got to look it up. It's disgusting, but it makes. I think it's like $1,800 for the fucking soup. You gotta look it up.
It's disgusting, but it makes you think
people pay to eat animal dick.
That's fucking crazy.
I was looking at that eagle. How funny is
that in real life? Like your mom
kills somebody in front of you.
Eat your vegetables?
Someone comes in. In real life,
your mom's like, eat your broccoli. I don't like broccoli.
You mother... Bam, bam.
What's that?
I know.
They brought a cat to feed.
Oh, my God.
They've been eating this cat.
Oh, my God.
They're all eating a cat.
Holy shit.
Oh, my God.
Dude, that is a creepy, creepy animal.
It just pulled the meat away from its babies, by the way.
One of them was like, that is mine.
It must be a big male. It been like taking it apart and feeding it.
I've been watching it for a while.
It's really cute watching this.
Have you ever seen the video of the wolves getting killed by the eagles?
Wolves?
Yeah, guys who have trained eagles.
You've got to see this.
I think it's the Mongols.
Or is that a motorcycle gang?
Mongols? Or is that a motorcycle gang?
They have trained eagles,
golden eagles, that
swoop down and
kill wolves. I guess golden eagles
are even bigger than
bald eagles.
I think. I should look that up.
Let me look that up.
Jesus Christ, that's big.
Look at the size of that thing.
Look how it does this.
And the dude is all, like, done up in, like, tribal, traditional, like, animal skin clothes.
I mean, he's in a harsh, harsh world.
And he's got this eagle that he's got trained.
And this thing's swooping in.
Watch this shit.
Yo, it goes after a fucking wolf, man.
I mean, what a gangster bird.
That's crazy.
I mean, you want to talk about, that's like, the wolf is like almost the top of the food chain.
It probably thinks it is the top of the food chain.
It's running like it's not, though.
It's like, oh shit, bird.
Yeah, it knows.
What a terrifying feeling that must be, to be a goddamn wolf and still be scared of this evil bird look how it
takes it out it just swoops down and grabs the wolf by the back of the neck and just starts
jacking it don't you think though this wolf could easily just fucking attack this bird no you would
think but the i think the birds are stronger than you think they they're they're they're really
primitive man i mean they're not like we look at them like
they're all fluffy and shit but you look at like their musculature and the way they're designed
they're not designed like any other animal we sort of associate their size with the way we would view
like a mammal that was that size like oh that's you know no not that big a deal like if uh you
know whatever a puppy or something you know or a dog rather that was that big was trying to go after you,
you would think that a dog that's only 60 pounds is not going to be able to kill you.
What the fuck was that?
What kind of animal was that?
That's a golden eagle.
No, they have not.
How did they kill that thing with a claw?
Yeah, they just claw him in the neck, and then they tear him apart.
I mean, their claws are unbelievably strong, and they're essentially're essentially knives. They have like knives on their, their huge arms. Dude, they can pick up a
fucking salmon that's swimming in a river. Stop and think about that for a moment. How strong you
have to be to grab a salmon with your hands. You're a big guy, Joey. Do you think you could
grab a salmon? Do you think you could hold onto a a salmon there's no fucking way how about grab it and then fly off with it do you know how
fucking strong eagles have to be that's an evil ancient animal that we're like it's the noble
proud eagle you remember uh that guy that sang those songs? The guy, John Ashcroft?
Let the Eagles Soar?
Let the Eagles...
Did you ever hear that song?
Did you ever hear that song?
When Ashcroft was the...
What is he, Attorney General or something like that?
Whatever made-up fucking title it was.
Whatever job distinction he had.
He was working for the Bush administration.
Whatever function they had him in.
And he was completely crazy.
He was this nutty Christian guy. And he had the most amazing song that he sang once.
And when he sang it, everybody knew right away, like, whoa, this guy is fucking nuts.
I mean, we knew he was nuts, but what the fuck is this?
Let the eagle soar like she's never soared before.
And he's singing. Yeah, I mean it's it's it's mad you're
watching madness you're watching a hundred percent pure unfiltered madness and you're just watching
it all you think of is what kind of twisted shit is this guy doing when he's not doing this
because if you're that far out there you're that far out there that you're singing with the eagle,
and you're like, he was like super, super duper Christian.
Like that guy had some fucking bones in his yard, man.
What do you think, Wolverine versus wolf, who would win?
If I had to guess?
Pull up that Let the Eagle Soar.
I need to hear that.
Now what's a wolverine?
I would say a wolverine is, it's like a badger in the badger family.
And they're fierce, unbelievably fierce animals.
They're crazy looking, too.
They look badass, man.
It's like Hugh Grant, it doesn't make sense that they call him Wolverine.
Because the whole idea of Wolverine is Wolverine was supposed to be built like Sean Shirk.
He was like a small guy.
But he had these crazy muscles.
And he had like this adamantium skeleton. He was like a small guy. But he had these crazy muscles and he had like this
adamantium skeleton. He had like
some metal skeleton. But he was like a little
like fierce, thick guy.
But then you have the guy who plays him.
What's his name again? The dude who plays...
You just said it. What is it? Hugh Jackman.
I know I just said it. I like
him too. Whatever.
I blame the weed. But Hugh Jackman
is like this beautiful, tall, handsome, you know, like statuesque sort of male model looking dude.
It's not really, it doesn't work for like that character.
The character is supposed to be like a Wolverine.
A Wolverine is like.
And that's what this guy was like.
He was like this hairy dude with his hands would turn into these swords.
Like they would come out.
These giant knives would come out where his knuckles are
and he would just fuck people up.
It was one of the most ruthless superheroes ever
when you think about it.
I mean, because he would just kill people all the time.
You went to the comic book?
Oh, I fucking love the X-Men, man.
Listen to this.
Let the eagle soar
Yeah.
Like she's never soared before
That's the real song.
I don't know why it's got the cowbell in it.
It's the cowboy edition.
Cowbell edition.
The cowbell sucks.
There was a cowbell thing going on through the internet for a while.
Fatigue or sore?
That's a crazy person.
That's a crazy person. Here it goes person crazy person with black socks with stinky feet sweaty feet all the time in leather shoes just wanting to get weird wanting to stick
his thumb up your butt and choke you or something bro with jay-z going to cuba i don't know man
i don't know i saw it in the news you. I saw it in the news. What was hilarious
was that the people in the news
were looking at it as a political
liability for President Obama.
That Jay-Z is
going to Cuba and it
weakens the Obama position.
He can't be friends with Jay-Z now.
And I was watching that and I was like, wow, this is
weird. This is like, they've managed to turn the White House
into the Real Housewives of Orange County.
They literally have managed to turn the White House into like almost a bit of a reality show.
Like, oh, what is Obama going to do about Jay-Z being in Cuba?
Oh, that's crazy.
That's a really important thing to think about right now because it's not like there's a country called North Korea thata that has weapons that it's threatening to shoot at us and has nuclear capability yeah man what
about that rapper that guy who makes stuff rhyme why did he go to that place where everyone's poor
what the fuck i just seen the headline from hotlanta davana or something like that i'm like
oh this is terrible it's so weird how right now in today's world, the White House is really,
and what's going on around is a reality show compared to what's really going on.
The wife is on Conan O'Brien jumping up and down.
It's incredible.
And I ain't got nothing but love for her.
I love that woman.
But do you understand me?
I mean, it's all different.
It's like the government is pushing that shit at you to worry about that
while what's really, really going on
right now is fucking scary.
Whether it's Korea, whether it's going on...
Oh, one good thing, the post office ain't gonna
fucking close now. Did you see that?
It closed on Saturday, starting in November.
No more mail delivery on Saturday.
No more mail on Saturday.
Starting November, but no.
They found the money. They found the Gitas.
Somebody opened their mouth and said, are you fucking serious?
I get my copy of my fucking Time Street, whatever the fuck it is, magazine.
You know, I really wonder whether or not we would be better off with a privatization of that.
You know, because I think UPS does an awesome job.
I mean, they're amazing.
And the Postal Service, the only issues that I've ever had with the postal service is going to the actual place, to the actual place and waiting in line.
That's the only issues I've ever had.
But the idea that you should have a government company that does what private companies do, like why would you even need it?
Why would you need – why do you need a post office?
Why do you need – I mean the office as as it exists is great.
But shouldn't it exist because of the market? Because it's like, you know, it fills a spot.
You know what I mean? Like, why should it be? Why should it be the government that does that?
That's what one of the weird questions of our society in an ideal world.
It would be great if the government did all that stuff, right? In an ideal world, it would be great if we could trust everybody to handle everything.
But it seems like everything gets handled best when it gets treated like it's a business,
you know? And whenever you have like government organizations that are taking places that could
be taken place by business, you sort of like you're controlling things and regulating things.
I mean, obviously in the post office, it works great, but it doesn't work great in the DMV,
right? It doesn't work great in the TSA.
There's a lot of places where it doesn't work great.
Jonathan Winters died.
Yeah, I heard.
Sucks.
Why is it, you know, I hate to bring this up and keep going with this, but why is it that, that like the post office had all those shootings
what what happened there it's because the workers were overworked i mean if you look at if you go
to the post office like back in the day well because it doesn't happen anymore like the
shootings don't happen anymore yeah i i i don't know why it's not happening anymore but there
was a time like if you go to the post office now and you just look at the people that are working
there that looks like the most miserable job ever.
They're just sitting there nonstop from 8 a.m. in the morning to 5 a.m.
Well, if everybody just used stamps.com, it would lighten the load and then there would be less work and everybody could chill the fuck out.
Yeah.
Can you imagine?
That's a thankless job, man.
I don't have to check my mail.
Like I don't check my mail except maybe once a month now.
And it's like the worst idea in the world because I'll check it and there's like all these bills and like
late payments and stuff but i hate the mail so much that now it literally is like a stack this
big of mail once a month and only about five percent of it is something that i need do you
pick up the mail or it gets delivered to you i have a huge mailbox i just they just i mean it's
right in front of my house i just don't't even care. I just don't even care.
So the post office is completely a government gig, right?
I think it is, yeah.
I have a friend back home, my friend Adam, who's a postman.
He's been a postman forever.
I used to work out with him at the Boston Athletic Club like back in the day.
And he was like a real neighborhood postman, you know, would like go door to door, knew everybody,
said hi.
They would like give him tips for like Christmas and stuff.
It was like a real neighborhood postman.
Do they still have those?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Some places still have like a real, a guy who's like, how you doing?
Good morning.
Like knows everybody. The guy I got now is a dick, but the guy, the guy in Hollywood, he was a Filipino and
he gambled.
So I owned him.
Oh, that's hilarious. I owned him. Oh, that's hilarious.
I owned him.
He delivered to me first.
He knew if I had, I would tell him, dog, I'm getting a check this week.
Stop by here first.
And I'd see him like at 9.
He'd give me the check early and shit.
Good guy.
I still see him.
He's still down.
I wonder how those guys feel about things like stamps.com.
I mean, they still have to deliver things.
So, you know what I mean?
Yeah, it's not affecting them.
It's actually probably making them.
Yeah, it's probably like lightening the load a little bit.
Male guys love their fucking job.
That's a great job.
Yeah, not a bad gig.
You're walking, especially in California, what the male people hate more than fucking
we do is the shit they have to deliver.
That's why a lot of them, see, I'm talking to you from the other end.
I did time with three dudes that dumped the fucking Circulus.
So, if a mailman dumps Circulus, they go to prison.
What does that mean?
What are you talking about?
Circulus.
When you got a thing from Rouse that says grapefruits, three for 99 cents, spam.
Spam in your mailbox.
Right.
I know mail guys that have done time.
Like, I knew a fucking hippie in Boulder.
The coolest motherfucker ever, Tench.
Coolest white dude.
I loved him.
From fucking some white investment in Oklahoma.
I loved the long hair.
They fucked with him, put in the ponytail.
This motherfucker filled his garage.
Oh, no.
For ten years with the spam.
And something happened to his house.
He had a fire in the backyard.
They found ten years worth of hoarding the fucking thing.
He was stealing it?
No.
He didn't want to mail it to people. He thought it was fucking
terrible, but he had to do it. It's part of his job.
They threw him in fucking jail.
Oh, they threw him in jail because he didn't send
it out. Yes, those circulars. Because he didn't want to
spam them. Yeah, he liked the people
in his neighborhood. And these people
got together and they got his legal defenses
down like two grand.
Two years in time. He did federal time.
And then I met other guys at Diagnostic who were cool mailmen who just, that's the big beef.
And one of the kids I grew up with that I'm very tight with still to this day got fired.
And he tells hysterical, like he used to take the little cart into the city to go to RTB.
Right.
And he'd go pick up the grandma blow in the little mail cart.
And he'd go back over to Jersey, over the bridge,
and he'd throw the mail away.
He would tell me how the whole place was.
He got fired before he got caught because all their phones,
and listen to this, this is 20 years ago.
So here you go.
You ready for this, Bob?
They had him on tape 20 years ago gambling on the post office phone.
Oh, wow.
So they'd been listening on the phone before 9-11,
the Act of 66 that we all buy into.
So they just record conversations.
Yeah, if you work at a federal agency since 1950,
they've been taping everything.
When you call home and tell your husband you're going to go home
and suck his dick, they got it on tape.
You know what I'm saying?
It's hysterical.
They called him in and played the tape.
That's hilarious.
And then they said, well, what if they're investigating the bookmaker?
He goes, no, we weren't calling the bookmaker.
My ship ended at 12.
How come no one's ever done a movie about wild-ass mailmen?
Because.
Some crazy mailmen stealing shit and finding, like, some check and figure out how to cash it.
Think about what the shit they find.
They fuck probably a lot of chicks, too.
I mean, like, they walk around.
There's, like, these girls that are at home by themselves,
you know, these wives that,
you know, they probably know
the mailman.
If you're around the right skanks,
you can make it happen.
Oh, and do me a favor
for all you tough guys.
Or the right ones.
For all you tough guys,
touch your mailman.
Touch him?
Touch him.
Get into a beef with your mailman
one time.
Oh, there's a federal employee.
Yeah, that's like
assaulting a police officer, isn't it? Tell your mailman one time, hey, there's a federal employee. Yeah, that's like assaulting a police officer, isn't it?
Tell your mailman one time, hey, fucko, if you're going to come over here, don't fucking hit the gate because my baby.
Say that to your mailman one time and see what happens to you.
Why?
How about don't say that?
Because let me tell you something.
Within 15 minutes, you have a police car at your house, and then you have another fucking employee, some car that you've never seen before.
And they fucking knock.
I had a friend that hit a mailman with a Frisbee.
Oh, no.
In Arizona, they were doing that shit,
and the guy cut across, and they hit him with a Frisbee,
and they laughed.
So the guy thought it was done intentionally.
Dog, this guy did a year in fucking jail.
Oh, my God.
It's a heavy-duty fucking assault charge,
touching a fucking mailman.
But in Boulder one time, this is an interesting story.
In Boulder, there was a guy that got bit by a dog.
So now his phobia, he hated dogs, but he needed the job as a mailman.
So if you left your dog in the yard, he would spray your dog with shit to the face.
So one woman was home one day, heard the dog, you know, the dog's outside and seen the mailman fucking spray him.
And she told the neighbors some other dog had died in that route and the guy waited for him this is a 90 no 86 in
boulder guy waited for the mailman next day he took him to fucking boulder you got to be careful bro
they took him in that fucking backyard him and his brother and threw a beat on this fucking guy
i think one of them went to jail.
The other.
Boulder's a fucking crazy place like that when you, you don't know who you're messing with.
Well, a lot of those people in Colorado are the descendants of old cowboys.
I mean, you got to think like back a few generations.
Can you imagine fucking the mailman up by coming in?
Well, they didn't good fellas.
Well, if a guy kills your dog, you know, that you love, you might be willing to do a little time, you know.
There's some pieces of shit out there, man.
There's some pieces of shit that'll kill your dog, fucking poison it.
They don't care.
I have a friend who moved to a place.
He had a barky dog.
Someone poisoned his dog, you know.
I mean, that's crazy shit, man.
You know, I can understand that you have a problem with it.
It sucks. It sucks.
It sucks that some guy has a barky dog, but poisoning the dog is crazy.
I mean, not only that, it was like a big area.
He lived in like a big rural area.
So his dog wasn't even on a leash.
Like his dog was allowed to roam free.
But apparently people didn't like it.
This new dog moved in the neighborhood and started barking.
So they just like it. This new dog moved in the neighborhood and started barking. So they just poisoned it.
You know, that's just, I hate when people get defined in life as being like an animal lover or not.
I mean, everybody's an animal lover.
We're all lovers of animals that you can trust, you know.
And when you meet a person and they have like a cool dog dog, you know a friendly person by their friendly dogs.
It's like the idea that you could do that, just spray dogs in the face.
That's like a sociopathic sort of thing.
That little dog that you have is ridiculous.
It's so cute.
It's really cute.
It's not even real.
It's not even real, man.
Your dog's not even real.
He barked for his first time last night in four days.
Did you come?
No, no.
I have mirrors in my bedroom, like on the doors.
And he just sits there and stares at himself because he doesn't understand mirrors.
And finally last night he went crazy on the mirrors and just barked his first time.
It was so cute.
Oh, that's hilarious.
He's so cute, man.
It's ridiculous.
Yeah.
I found something.
I've been cleaning out my office.
I found something the other day and it completely opened up like a memory that I completely forgot about when I was younger.
And this is so crazy.
I can't believe I forgot this.
We used to have this thing called time and temperature.
Do you guys remember?
Do you guys have it where you live where you called a phone number? Yes. Like the time
is. Yeah. And the temperature.
Remember that? 29 cents a call.
At the end of the month, your mother will almost
fucking kill you. I didn't know that. 80 bucks
and fucking time and temperature. Who's falling?
Fucking time and temperature. I got 18 fucking
clocks all over the house. I remember
that when I was a kid, I had a calling card.
And if I didn't know the time,
I could use my calling card at a fucking phone booth and call and get the time and temperature.
How stupid is that?
The one in Ohio was free, I think, and it was just a phone number you called.
But what happened is at one point, something broke where anyone else that was calling could talk to the other people listening.
So it became a chat room for like three months you would
call time and temperature and suddenly you're like hello are you there anyone there and you're like
yeah i'm here how are you know like you start talking to people so i met this girl on top
on time and temperature and i got her phone number and then we started talking for like
two weeks and she said she went to a different school and all this stuff.
And she was a virgin.
And she was like, I will pay you $100 if you sleep with me.
And I was like, yes, I will take that money.
I was 17.
I was like, $100?
That's amazing.
So I was kind of scared of how she looked and everything like that.
She came over.
It was when I lived with my mom.
And my mom was out of town.
She came over one weekend.
Never met this girl. Just talked to her a few times
on the phone, met her on time and temperature.
She comes over and she was a lot older.
I'm 17, she was probably like 30.
And I was like, alright.
But she acted like she was in high school the whole time.
And I just was like, I guess she's in high school.
But I knew
that she was older.
And then she wrote me a check
with her name on it. And I was like, oh, you have a checkbook? Wow, that's cool. I was 17, then she wrote me a check with her name on it.
And I was like, oh, you have a checkbook?
Wow, that's cool.
I was 17.
I didn't have a checkbook.
You were impressed that she could write checks.
And I fucked her.
And now looking back at it, I never even thought about it.
She was totally an older chick that was fucking young girl, guys.
Yeah.
I was underage, and she paid me.
I was a hooker at 17 that
was her scam she used to call time and weather what a fucking scam and pick up kids
because only kids were doing that like I remember like this was like a
chat line for kids and I would be like oh what's going on yeah Worthington
rules so she was just some crazy freak bitch it was fucking 17 year old yeah
meeting him on time and temperature that's amazing but did she know you were
17 oh yeah yeah I said I went to high school she said she went to this other Bitch, it was fucking 17-year-olds. Yeah, meeting them on time and temperature. That's amazing. But did she know you were 17?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I said I went to high school, and she said she went to this other high school that was like 20 minutes away. Is it possible that she just did a lot of meth?
Honestly, when she first came over, I was like, oh, my God, I'm in trouble.
This is the person's mom.
But then she was the girl, and then she, like, we didn't barely talk.
I remember she walked in, and we talked for a second.
I just turned off the lights in my living room.
We fucked on the floor and she gave me a check and she left.
It was like in and out half hour.
Did you spend the money?
It took me a while to cash the check because I didn't have a checking account.
And so I had to – I think I had to like get it cashed out at the grocery store or something.
But yeah, I spent the money.
It's great.
I totally forgot about it, though.
Wouldn't it be an amazing reality show to follow that woman around?
Yeah.
Like, if you could go back in time and just watch how she did it in the age of no internet,
just find young guys and meet them somewhere and just fuck them and pay them.
Actually pay them.
Like, how crazy was that chick?
Do you think she was that crazy or maybe it was just, like, a one-time thing where she just lost her mind and got caught up in the thrill of the moment?
Yeah, I have no idea, man.
Think about how creepy that move is.
But then again, how creepy were we?
We'd make believe we were on the payphone at the bottom of the stairs at the Comedy Store and watch the chicks coming in and out of the bathroom.
And all you guys do is wait.
Out of ten of them, somebody's going to be drunk, and somebody will suck your dick.
They should have never taken down that payphone.
That payphone was a piece of history.
Oh, my God.
They should put a payphone back there.
They should find a payphone from that era.
Yeah, they took it down, and they also took the one down at the improv that used to be outside of it.
They shouldn't do that.
But you know what's still there at the Comedy Store is where all the guy comics come in, they tilt the the window so it's like perfectly so
you can go to the stairs outside and just sit there and look down and see any girls in the
bathroom oh that's so gross that's so gross dude that's that's so fucked that's why whenever i like
my girls or like i'm with a friend that's like that's really illegal you shouldn't even really
be talking about that on the phone or on the podcast allegedly i've never done it yeah what's
more that's really creepy sitting down by the phone or on the podcast. Allegedly. I've never done it.
That's really creepy.
Sitting down by the phone waiting for fucking pigeons to come. It's fucking creepy.
If you're a girl and some guy can look in while you shit, that's disgusting.
That's disgusting.
You're a piece of shit.
That's a terrible human being, and you're thinking it's all silly.
Put a mirror on your foot.
Jamie Kilstein would be yelling at you right now and crying out rape culture.
I don't do it.
I'm just saying that I've noticed they do that.
Yeah.
And I could probably guess who.
Well, someone should fucking black that out, man.
Just call the manager.
And they have to do, now they're going to have to, by the way.
You just fucked it up.
We've all done creepy things, but that's one of the creepy things I don't fucking like.
All you creeps are not going to be able to pull that off anymore because you talked about
it on the podcast.
Now, the comedy store is going to have to fix that or they'll be liable.
It's funny because every time. You have to let them know, man, if you like going there,
you better let them know for real because people are going to talk about it on the pocket.
That's a big issue, man.
You're making it out like it's not a big issue, but looking in on girls like fixing of a mirror
or a window to look in on girls while they shit.
That's like a seriously against the law and seriously creepy.
Yeah, I agree.
But you're just joking around about it on a podcast.
I'm saying that every time I have a girl, I'm with a girl, and she goes to the bathroom,
that's the one thing I say.
Make sure those things are shut when you go in there, the blind things.
I mean, if you go in there as a girl, though, and you see it, it's obvious, like, all right,
there's an open window right here.
I should shut this.
That shit's ridiculous.
It shouldn't be there.
It shouldn't be like that.
And a girl shouldn't have to be,
especially in a place where they're serving alcohol,
the last thing that should have to happen is a girl
should have to worry about who could
possibly be looking through a window while she's shitting.
That's nonsense.
That's complete nonsense. Someone fix that, stupid.
Are those edibles? You just eat
Joey Diaz edibles?
Careful. You're a dangerous man.
Jam bag's gonna be jamming. Yeah, these edibles are potent shit. Those are the pretzelsibles? Be careful. You're a dangerous man. Jam bag's gonna be jamming.
Yeah, these edibles
are potent shit.
Those are the pretzels.
They're okay.
That's a whole bag
of 130.
This fucking thing
will kill you.
It's like a soochie roll.
Fucking kill you.
Kill you.
It's amazing.
By next year in California,
there's gonna be like zombies.
There will be zombies.
Yeah.
Because they're gonna double this. This is Yeah. Because they're going to double this.
This is four fucking loads.
They're going to double this.
Don't.
Don't say that.
People are going to be walking around with shirts ripped open.
Like zombies.
Zombies and shit.
That is fucking crazy.
You know, we've all done.
I don't know.
I don't remember looking through the peephole over there. You don't? That's gross. I don't remember doing it. It was just fucking crazy. You know, we've all done, I don't know, I don't remember looking through the peephole over there.
You don't?
No, I do remember doing like, it was just fucking crazy, the shit that, you try to think of all the crazy women that I met through there over the years and the different situations.
It's fucking kind of crazy.
You could write a book, and it's kind of disgusting.
Oh, what, the comedy store you're saying?
Disgusting.
You know what the beautiful thing about the comedy store was?
The camaraderie between comics.
Like, we all sit in that back and hang out.
There was so much camaraderie in that place.
I guess it still is.
Yeah, it's like having an employee meeting with your peers every night.
And it was so loosely regulated, you know?
It's getting more tighter now, unfortunately.
Well, I mean, you kind of have to do that.
It should have probably been tighter a long time ago.
But the real issue was always, you know, how do you run a club and run a business and then still sort of let the comedians do whatever the fuck they want?
Yeah.
Sometimes it doesn't work out.
Comedians wreck your place, you know?
That's why I always try to contribute to that place as much as I could.
Like, it's like I would do it for free.
I pay for the sound system there.
You need to go back there and pay for a new sound system.
No, no, no.
That's bullshit.
I'm sure it is.
It's a sound system I bought in, like, 2001 or some shit.
It's an old sound system.
It's so scary there, too, because I do the show up in the belly room.
And up in the belly room is, like, falling apart.
Like, I went to plug something in, something in and like all the electricity went out.
And then I'm like, these outlets are not legal.
Like this is impossible.
Like you would like, like I'll turn on my mic.
Keep throwing them under the bus, boy.
Keep it up.
Yeah, you fuck.
Keep it up.
You're like fucking.
What are you trying to do, man?
Oh my God.
You know, there's going to be people
that are going to think it's a conspiracy.
Well, what I know is that Joe Rogan
had a problem with us.
Next thing, his little bitch, Brian Redman.
What the fuck, Brian?
What else is wrong?
He's just talking about making lies about our security staff,
who's some of the finest in Los Angeles, okay?
I handpicked them myself.
The fucking thing almost blew up.
The thing's from 1920, people.
She's dead.
Who's running that motherfucking place?
Old, old, old building, man.
What the fuck?
I have nothing but love for this girl.
I got love for her, too, but she got one foot in the grave, one up in an appeal.
She's very unhealthy, but I love that woman.
I've never had any issue with her.
Neither have I, but I'm talking about the building.
Yeah, no, I know.
Nobody's watching it.
There's no maintenance man walking around in the daytime looking at the fucking the plugs. No no no shit attention
You know it's a well
I don't know about she didn't want to lift a rock for a roof 18 years ago that
Motherfucker must be leaking like a motherfucker
That thing that I didn't want to go remember she had Bob Baker up there putting spackle on that motherfucker
May the coke and fucking black tar and all that
shit when you got bob baker on your roof fucking roof in your building you got fucking problems
what happened to that guy who the fuck knows he fucking jumped off a roof fuck him it's fucking
california it's 80 degrees outside fuck bob baker fucking bob baker putting fuck come on up help me
you fucking crazy i'm gonna fall through that roof got nobody to sue. Do you remember when the guys were launching water balloons from the roof?
Oh, yeah.
We were talking about that the other day.
Yeah.
What era was that?
That was about seven years ago.
It was Steve Renazzisi.
Hey, it was who the fuck are you talking about?
Jesus Christ, son.
You need to go to a doctor.
I swear to God, you need to go to a doctor.
What about five years before I lost it? Look, what if somebody was shot? I heard the story. Now we can't tell the doctor. I swear to God you need to go to a doctor. What about five years before I got there?
Look, what if someone was shot?
I heard the story.
Now we can't tell the story.
I heard the story five years before I got there.
When Tupac shot the gun in there.
It was all a black club and they used to have metal detectors at the door in 95.
I never saw that.
I was there.
I was there in 94.
It wasn't like that.
They would just have like fat Tuesdays.
We'd get crazy.
But Eddie Griffin was saying one night Tupac went in there and they had a shootout and everybody ran and Mitzi banned him because she thought it was him.
In fact, the bullets are still on the brick.
In the belly room, right?
Yeah.
Wow.
There's one in the thing still.
Yeah, from Tupac.
I wouldn't doubt that there was some crazy shit that went down there because they did have some crazy shit happen there.
Even like Kennison shot a gun in that place.
There's a hole in the back sign
That came from Kinnison's gun
It's still there, the hole's still there
It's kind of fucking cool
Just to be around a place where Sam Kinnison
Lost it and shot a hole in a fucking sign
I think it was about Dice too, wasn't it?
Yeah, I think we talked about it
Did we? No, we did
My memory's done
It's filled
I'm taking in too much information lately I think we talked about it. Did we? Yeah, we did. My memory's done. You know, it's crazy. My memory's done, too. My memory, it's filled.
It's like I've got no room.
I'm taking in too much information lately.
It's crazy that 30 years from now, you know, any day now, they're going to call and say
somebody offered them $10 million for that property, Joe.
Oh, the store?
Yeah.
Any day now.
Any day, somebody's going to break and go, you know what?
What the fuck?
Let's buy that side, this side, the side across the street.
Well, you know, it's worth a lot of money.
The history of that place is just undefiable.
No, the history is undefiable, but some Japanese
group who don't
give a fuck about ha-ha's in the East
is going to show up with 60 mil,
put an underground casino in there,
whatever the fuck they do, because all those streets are haunted.
And you know what? We're going to be driving
by there when a T is going to come.
Is it possible to still pull something like that off today?
Is someone willing to gamble that much money today,
or is this a tricky economy?
I don't know.
That location is a big part.
Every time you go to Vegas, aren't they building a new fucking building?
Always, right?
Somebody's talking to somebody, telling them that the future is going to be brighter.
You know what it also is, too?
They just adjust.
Like, instead of making $10 billion, okay, we're making $5.
Are we cool?
Are we cool with $5?
Let's be cool with $5 billion.
And they just cut it in half, and now they're-
And they take a loss.
They take a loss.
All those guys have something that's losing dough.
That's why they're fucking angled it right off and have a good time.
But to take that place down, it would be so sad.
Every place has gone down.
Even fucking Arnold's went down on Happy Days.
What was Arnold's?
The fucking hamburger show.
They take everything down, Joe.
That's not real.
Whatever.
Whatever.
Who knows whether it was real or not, but they shoot.
They fucking take everything the fuck down, and that's the reality.
It's so weird.
I don't even go to that side of Sunset.
I drive by it, that's the reality. It's so weird. I don't even go to that side of Sunset. I know.
I drive by it, and I feel guilty.
When I had my ear infection, I had to go to Sienega to go get a hearing test.
And I drove past it.
It was amazing.
I'm like, when was the last time I drove on this side of fucking Sunset?
When you and I used to hang out there between, like, was it, I think, like, 98?
97?
97.
You started coming around 97?
2005 I was in that, man.
God, I wish you guys would just hang out with us one day.
It's so fun.
Me, Don Barris, and all of us, Tony Henson, all just sitting in the back,
shooting the shit, smoking too much weed. You can't go back.
The same people who were in charge back then during the Menstelia incident,
they're still in charge.
The only person there is one person.
For me, that's the same people, man.
For me, that angle of it is forgotten.
I take it from a different angle.
That was then, this is now.
There's nothing I can do to bring that back.
Why don't I go home, get my football jacket, and put it on and hang out in front of my
high school?
Well, I can say a fucking thing.
Listen, the improv has never been anything but cool to me.
No, they're very cool.
The improv is so nice to me.
The improv's plurals.
Yeah, all of them.
The improv's plurals. Exactly. We work all of them. Improvs, plurals.
Exactly.
We work all of them.
All of them.
All of them.
They're great.
And on top of that, I mean, there's also the laugh factory.
Jamie Masada's a wacky dude.
He's always been nice to me.
Dynamite.
And then there's the fucking Ice House, which is the greatest club in the history of the world.
Our backyard.
That's our backyard.
Our fucking backyard.
I don't even need to go anywhere else.
No, I'm happy.
I'm fucking happy as hell.
The thing that's cool, though, is that all of you, like if you guys were to have come
last night on the patio, as an example, you guys would have been like, oh my God, there's
like 30 people here that I know all in one big group.
You know what I mean?
Everyone's got their dogs now.
I'm going to hit you from a different angle.
I'm going to hit you from a different angle.
It's an amazing place.
I'm going to hit you from a different angle.
Oh, no.
This is the angle I look at, guys.
It's the same angle I look at.
The angle I'm looking at is, I remember being up there and being dirty and seeing old guys
hanging out up there and going, what the fuck?
I got to hear this story when he was here.
Yeah, but that's just the old sad ones.
You know, I'm so insecure when it comes to that, Joe.
I saw Carlin there, dude.
Carlin hung out at the back of the comic store.
Yeah, but that was one night.
I know, but it's the same. He doesn't live here. You know those guys that become that all of a sudden? I don't want to be that guy, Joe. I saw Carlin there, dude. Carlin hung out at the back of the comic store. Yeah, but that was one night. I know, but it's
because he doesn't live here.
You know those guys
that become that
all of a sudden?
I don't want to be that guy, bro.
But you know,
there's guys like Don Marrera.
He'll stop in.
He just bangs out his set,
hangs out a little bit.
Don Marrera is one
of the coolest motherfuckers.
That guy is,
he's like a real stand-up.
You know?
You know what I'm saying?
I was with him.
Did you hear this?
You guys are working together?
One weekend together
at the Ice House.
The last weekend's
like four shows.
Oh, my God.
It's going to crush.
We're going to light
the building on fire
once and for all.
It's going to implode.
By the way,
I'm going to be there
tonight.
Let me tell you something.
Dom Herrera is one of
the most underrated
headliners ever.
That's my take on him.
That guy is,
when he's on,
when Dom Herrera,
like I did that show with him at
the factory and he was on on dude he's fucking brilliant he's hilarious the shit that he comes
up with the quick and he constantly writes he's constantly writing he's constantly like looking
at the news coming up with new shit i've heard two beautiful jokes the last six months that are
brilliant the one joke was the one my boy said on the Oscars when he said that right now
this show is being viewed by 2 billion people.
That's why Jodie Foster is going to come up here and ask you about her privacy,
something like that.
That's a well-written joke.
Tom Herrera athletic joke.
That's a great joke.
That is one of the best jokes I have heard in a long time.
Since you're out in the cold.
That is one.
Let's get down.
Say the fucking athletic.
That's an athletic neighborhood.
Yeah.
It is such a fuck.
And you know where he's going.
Yeah, I don't want to even say the joke.
I don't want to say it.
You got to see it.
You get a chance to see him.
See this.
Because you know what?
Where is this that you guys are going to work together?
The Ice House.
The Ice House.
When?
The last week of July.
Like four shows.
Oh, my God.
Two shows Friday, two Saturday.
And I'm honored because, you know what?
After I've been watching that Wednesday night he's got at the Laugh Factory is when you really get to see Dom.
Yeah.
That's it.
He's in the catcher's seat.
His legs are open.
I think it's Tuesday, right?
Is he those Tuesdays?
What's in it?
Busting balls?
Oh, Wednesday, too.
He does more than one show there, right?
So go on the line and take a look.
No matter who he got there, sometimes, and I don't like to say this,
sometimes he's got, and you'll understand what I'm saying, Joe,
sometimes he's got a comic on there that doesn't shine in the social avenue of comedy.
Right.
Sometimes some people are just so introverted.
Right.
Go watch him with those people.
He brings it to life.
Right.
And he's brilliant.
He turns it around and bop, bop, bop.
He's so friendly.
Yeah.
It's like he's easy to banter with back and forth.
When they called me and asked me, I said, yeah, why not?
I just watch.
Now I watch somebody for four shows and I get a different flavor.
It's very tough to learn from somebody when you watch 10-minute sets in L.A.
L.A. to me doesn't give, people come out
and I'm not discouraging people that are coming out and
going, oh I'm going to see Joe Rogan
excuse me, at the comedy store
that's a 20 minute set. At least.
You know, sometimes sit tight in your neighborhood
we'll get there. Right. But to see
a 10 minute Don Marrera
and a 45 minute Don Marrera
it's two different fucking people.
Yeah, I think it's that way with you as well.
I think it's that way with anybody.
I've seen you do 10-minute sets,
and I want to see you do a half hour.
I want to see you do 40.
Let's fuck around.
I think at a certain point in time, I'm done.
I'm cool if someone wants to do 50 minutes of hard shit.
I don't mind that.
But I really like a long set.
When you get into a guy and you start laughing at his stuff,
you want to keep laughing.
You want to keep going.
You want him to keep going.
Like Norton.
I saw Norton in Austin, and he had a 50-minute set.
I was like, wow, that's almost like a perfect time because he had two guys go on before him.
And he fucking devastated for 50 minutes.
And then after the 50 minutes was over, he felt like perfect.
He just nailed it. It's like an episode of Game of Thrones. It's about 50 minutes and then after the 50 minutes was over he's like, he felt like perfect. Like it was, he just nailed it.
He blasted, it's like an episode of Game of Thrones.
It's about 50 minutes.
You know, it's not really an hour.
It's like just blasts you with hilarious shit and then you're like, that was great.
It was like the perfect amount.
There's just like a balance there,
trying to find the perfect amount.
How much is a little too much?
How much is a little too little?
But those 10 minute sets are always too little.
It's hard.
It's not bad for fucking around.
No, no, no.
I love it.
I love it.
I love going to the local places and doing 15 or something just to get out of the fucking house.
Yeah.
I was out the last two nights, and I had a blast.
I went to two, like, I went to my spot in Orange and packed with that squad of people.
People brought pictures of chimps.
Oh, I'm sure.
And had a fucking triple set, And it's a sandwich bar.
Can you believe that? Sandwiches.
I've told you about this place before.
And then last night I went to a place in Alhambra.
This place was on fucking fire.
It was comedy.
Comedy on a balcony.
Oh, no.
Fuck it.
Outside?
Outside on the third floor.
It was the second night.
They did it, like, once a month.
Who was with you?
By myself.
They called me, like, yesterday.
Oh, we had a four.
How was that?
What was that like?
Tremendous.
30 minutes.
I was home by 1130.
And it's all people coming out to see you?
Mix, mixed, you know?
Like, local guys put it together and shit.
It's amazing that some weeks I stay home,
and some weeks I go, this week I'm going out five nights
just to feel what that's like.
Right.
And I'll do five nights with the Friday being the highlight of the joke.
And I'll take Saturday off.
I'm home or something.
I'll stay home with the wife.
Whatever the fuck.
You know what I'm saying?
But some nights I like doing that, some weeks.
Tuesday night I did something really cool.
I did Ari's thing.
Oh, the storyteller show?
Yeah, at the theater with Comedy Central.
And it was good to see our brother.
That was his baby.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
He's filming it for Comedy Central now?
Yeah.
So it was, you know, when Ari called me, he was embarrassed.
He said, I want to touch this.
And I go, Ari, I don't care if it goes on ComedyCentral.com.
I don't care if it ever fucking goes up.
Why is he embarrassed?
You know, I could just see he was like, he thought he was going to call me like we're a Carnegie Hall gig.
Right.
You know what I'm saying?
And it was beautiful, Joe.
Well, if they're going to put it on ComedySensual.com, it'll get a lot of views.
Just to see that he put this together.
This was, he had two sets worked out.
You know, the camera, he had makeup on.
He wasn't neurotic Jew.
He wasn't mumbling, you know.
Ari's legit now.
Ari is very legit.
Ari's legit.
And it's really weird to see a guy that really paid his dues.
I saw him when we got to the store.
He would sit back there like a nerdy motherfucker with that haircut.
And all of a sudden one day he busted out with like 92 commercials.
And the whole time he was going out and fucking everything.
And he had hemorrhoids in his ass.
Remember this shit the size of a finger?
When we started taking ari on the road
was like um what was it what year was it 95 was it that early yeah you started taking no 2005 i'm
sorry it was it was way earlier yeah way later than that i think no i think it was before 2006
maybe 2005 because i remember it was a mike young couldn't make a gig and Ari came instead. Denver, yeah. Yeah, in Denver.
And Ari fucking destroyed.
And he was only doing comedy a few years back then.
You know, but to him,
I think it was probably the biggest crowd he'd ever had.
And then, like,
his development from then on,
really a lot of it was, like, going up
in front of these giant crowds.
Like, he went from, like, open mics to, like,
doing these sold-out gigs.
And in between, he would do the store.
And Ari went in front of our eyes
from being a guy just starting out
to being a fucking legit headline that I would go see.
If I was in, say, if I lived in a town,
if I lived in Utah or some shit like that,
and Ari was going to Wise Guys, I would go see Ari.
I'm a comedy fan.
I would go see that. It's crazy comedy fan. I would go see that.
It's crazy to watch.
It's crazy to watch. It's crazy.
It's crazy to watch it happen to you too, man.
It's crazy. And Duncan as well.
It's crazy how much it means to me now.
In the early,
when I was here, it didn't mean to me enough now.
Now I have to sit down and write it out.
I have to really think about it. I have to think about
my thoughts. I have to think about... because I don't want people to be disappointed.
I don't want to write material that's bad for me.
I want it to be fucking in my thing.
Responsibility.
I'm the same way.
I want to do 50 minutes an hour when I want to be out.
I want to smoke dope.
I want to drink some fucking water.
Whatever.
It's been a real pleasure lately.
It's been a real, the whole Twitter, the whole writing, it really has fucking made me sharp.
You know, the podcasting, the fucking podcasting is to a different level now.
Yeah.
You know, we get on here now, I can listen to a podcast now for 15 minutes and I can
tell what's good and bad.
It's radio-ish.
When we do a podcast, they tap into a conversation it's like
walking in sitting down and going i'm right here yeah finish my sandwich and next thing you know
you're just listening and learning well it's like they get to see you in the most real environment
possible like the the most real you possible like i don't feel represented by and things at 140
characters like when i write things on twitter a lot of times i write i'm like oh how's that going to be conveyed you know what i mean it's only 140 characters. Like when I write things on Twitter, a lot of times I write, I'm like, oh, how's that going to be conveyed?
You know what I mean?
It's only 140 characters.
When I hear you say something,
I know exactly what you're saying.
I know where it's coming from on you,
your inflection, your pause,
the seriousness in your voice,
the intensity in your tone, whatever it is.
I know what you're saying.
It's hard to express yourself on Twitter.
But on the podcast,
that's where people grow to love you, man.
Then they hear that voice on Twitter when they read your tweets.
They know you.
They know your voice.
I mean, you know, who you are.
So they see that in your tweets.
Then it works.
But it's a lot of things on Twitter.
I had an issue this week where people keep getting upset at things that I'll write on Twitter
that I think are pretty obvious jokes.
Yeah, they're kind of douchey.
Like I said about something about male vegans.
I said, if you call yourself a male vegan, I hope you choke to death.
No, not male vegans, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Male feminists.
I said that if you call yourself a male feminist,
I hope you choke to death on vegan pizza
while crying to a Lady Gaga song.
Okay?
I'm just joking.
All right?
We fucking lax.
140 characters.
When you say something like that, people are like, oh, he hates all male feminists or he
hates feminists or he's a chauvinist or something like that.
It's like, no.
But let's be honest.
How many guys that you talk to that are male feminists are really annoying how many it's most of them most guys who are male
feminists are really annoying male venomous well there's a male there's been a few there's what
listen the ideals behind it nothing wrong with it the ideal we get some more of those uh coconut
things and some of the uh coco cafes man those are the shit. Yeah, I'll have a Cocoa Cafe. But the tweet, I just, first of all, it all started out.
I got pissed off, and I talked about this a little bit on the Ice House Chronicles.
There was some lady that was saying nasty shit about kids, like didn't like kids.
And so I wrote on Twitter that I view women who don't like kids the same way I view dogs that like to eat their own shit.
That's how I look at it.
I'm like, oh, what is that?
It was just being a fly on the wall during a shitty conversation. Right.
So I write that down on Twitter and then people get angry at me.
Like you're equating women to shit eating dogs.
And no, not exactly.
I mean, yes.
And not exactly.
What I'm basically saying is it's, it's kind of a gross thing when someone doesn't like
kids and that's what I was feeling at the
time but I didn't you know I probably shouldn't have wrote women I probably should have wrote
men I didn't think about it because it was actually a woman who was doing it and I always
like it when I see women that like kids especially because I have kids and women that like kids are
like cute to the kids and it's kind of fun but I should have said people and not you know men or
women and I should have probably said hate instead of not like,
because people are saying, oh, like, oh,
if women don't want to have children and they're pieces of shit,
that had nothing to do with what I meant.
I don't care if a woman doesn't want to have kids.
You should absolutely be able to do whatever you want to do.
And I could totally understand not wanting to take on a responsibility of kids
if you're a woman.
That's not what I'm saying.
I don't mean doesn't want to have one.
What I meant was doesn't like them. That's it. Like saying i don't mean doesn't want to have one what i meant was doesn't
like them that's it like people who don't like you like these fucking kids away from me that's
creepy i that irks me it irks me with anybody with men or women but i saw a woman do it so i tweeted
about that then i started getting all these white knight feminist dudes that were giving me a hard
time i'm like, you weak bitches.
You better shut your mouth.
You silly fucks. It was just like over and over again, this nonsense about, you know, this is, this contributes
to violence against women and your attitudes are misogynistic.
I'm like, well, I'm talking about someone who doesn't like kids.
That's it.
That's all I'm saying.
You know, and I'm saying in 140 characters and maybe it. And maybe it's just a stupid way to say anything controversial. Maybe Twitter, if you don't want to be misunderstood and if you don't want to have to explain yourself, don't say anything controversial.
of expression, they can all of a sudden imply all sorts of meaning to it and then write whole blogs about this implied meaning.
They all of a sudden have like this whole cause and all they're doing is misinterpreting
an original statement.
But because it's so narrow in its definitions, because it's only 140 characters, there's
so much room for just them bullshitting and coming up with their own meaning.
So it's – and I had a bunch of feminists write blogs about me.
It was hilarious, like reading all this, like my misogynistic attitudes and this and that.
That's about as far from the truth as I hope.
I always try to be as open to everybody as possible.
I like being a man, but I don't have any problem with anybody just because they're a woman.
I think that's completely ridiculous.
I think, though, that there's a lot of fuckery in this world, man.
And there's a lot of people that are full of shit on both sides of the fence.
Hail Satan.
That Hail Satan thing.
Yeah, that's – Duncan had this thing he did.
There's a wedding.
Anton LaVey.
Is that his name?
Anton LaVey. Yeah. his name? Anton LaVey.
Yeah.
And that's him, right?
Yeah.
And he asked me to do devil horns and wear his T-shirt and take a picture.
It was a cool wedding.
And Dan Zig was played there with, what's that guy, Hank Williams III was there.
I didn't get to meet that guy.
I wanted to meet him though.
Oh, that's great.
Because I love the wonderful whites of West there. Yeah, I didn't get to meet that guy. I wanted to meet him, though, because I love the wonderful whites of West Virginia.
But anyway, you know, he goes,
will you wear my shirt and do the devil horns?
I'm like, yeah, fuck it, dude, I'll do it.
And then I got all these people saying,
Joe Rogan is a Satanist.
Like, that is, for real,
that is like the dumbest form of Satanism.
Like, you really thinking that that's Satanism?
Me standing there with a tribute,
what does it say a tribute to
what uh tribute to 666 666 whatever well they're also saying your tattoos have satanic things in
them i've been seeing a lot of crazy things lately where it's like your left arm i think
has like some kind of uh satanic snake on it or something. What? That's what they're saying.
It's a fucking dragon to represent my ferocious spirit, son.
Shame on people, though.
People are just silly. Shame on people who take the time to fucking acknowledge that shit and to blow it up.
But we are in the Illuminati.
We can't do that.
Well, it's, you know, but also, no, shut up, Brian.
But it's also people on both ends.
Like, you're choosing to get upset about some really ridiculous shit.
You ever read a tweet and you go to that person's page and you go, I get it.
Once I read somebody's tweet and I go to their main page, I can add it right in one minute.
I go, I get it.
I get where he was coming from.
I understand why he said that.
He's a musician.
He's a politician.
He sells this.
He likes like today somebody hit me.
Then I read he's a Paul Reiser fan. I get it. You're a fucking mook. You somebody hit me. When I ran, he was a Paul Reiser fan.
I get it.
You're a fucking mook.
You know what I'm saying?
I never met a Paul Reiser fan.
So if you're a Paul Reiser fan, shoot yourself in the fucking mouth right now.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, my goodness.
Once somebody's, if I go to somebody's page and I see, like, music, and I know the music
sucks, that's where it ends.
Because if his choice of music sucks, that's where, if I don't see fucking one of my three on there,
like I remember going to people's,
there's two things I judge on people.
I don't judge people by money or nothing.
I judge people by their music collection.
If I look at your music collection,
and you don't have Sabbath Paranoid,
if you don't have the Staples, Zeppelin II,
those are the Staples.
If you don't have Zeppelin II, why are we here?
I'm not smoking dope with you.
Why are you wasting my fucking time? I'm over over here you got like the best of judy grant you know i'm saying that's and number two when you open up somebody's refrigerator
there's certain yeah it's true you open that tells me everything if you're a fucking mook
if you're a mutt if i see like low-end beer you're fucking mutt i ain't ever coming here
are there certain people that um they have music laying around just because it's cool?
Tons of them.
That's why.
There's a generation of people that want to say, and I know this, and I don't hate you,
because I'm kind of the same way that they don't want to like Floyd.
They prefer to listen to, oh, that's so commercialized.
Yeah.
Or listen to Morrissey.
You know, they make you feel bad.
The worst being the Tom Waits era.
Those motherfuckers are the ones I want to punch them right in the fucking face.
Because they're the ones you're having a good time, listen to something, you're bobbing.
And they want to, like, really impress, like, some fucking dumb chick with freckles or something.
Everybody's fucked already.
You know what I'm saying?
Everybody's fucked.
All you need is tequila And a grandma blown
She'll be sucking your dick
In the fucking bathroom
But you want to be cool
And listen
The Tom Waits
Have you listened to Tom Waits
Yeah
You want to fucking
Shoot yourself
Yeah I don't like it
That's good singing
You want that
You're fucking an idiot
But the only reason
That people would put
That shit on
Is to try to overpower you
With their fucking
Star Wars
What do you call that
The fucking thing With the mind jellies The mind jelly Fucking trick That's it that shit on is to try to overpower you with their fucking Star Wars. What do you call that?
The fucking thing with the mind genie. Of course.
The mind genie fucking trick.
That's it.
Oh, he's so, oh my God, he likes Tom Waits.
Listen to that shit, though.
Right, they're trying to make themselves.
Let me sit you down with a gun next to your head.
You tell me if that's true.
That's good singing.
That's good fucking singing.
That's the Beatles.
I'll fucking shoot you.
I'll fucking put a gun to your fucking head,
alright? Telling me that's good music.
You're fucking 20 years old. Knock it off.
Like, when somebody says they like the Dave Matthews
band, I will pistol whip you.
I will pistol whip you.
I have satellite on the way up here.
And they were doing Exodus.
They were doing Exodus
by fucking Bob Marley.
I almost crashed the fucking car.
Dave Matthews, a white dude with no shoes on and a black new player.
It fucking, it's too made up, Uncle Joey.
Stop it.
I think he's got some good songs.
Dave Matthews got a few good songs.
Oh, please.
You got me emotional.
Thank God I got the other player.
Fuck this shit.
I was too quiet over here.
I hate all that shit.
Just listen.
You don't like it, just move over.
I can't stand fucking Tom Waits.
And the people who like Tom Waits, look at them and go to their page.
And they'll tell you the whole thing like that.
That something ain't right.
They're vegans.
Something.
You know, stop the pilgrims.
They care for something that you're like, really?
I always think that Tom Waits is a guy who probably has a song that I would like, but I don't want to go find it.
He's probably like one or two of the songs.
Put one song.
Pick a fucking song.
I don't think you're allowed to do that.
Pick a song, and it sounds like he's taking a shit.
It sounds like a dude.
Like, what the fuck is this moron singing about?
And I know people are going, oh, my God, he's a revolution.
No, no, no.
Paul McCartney's a bad motherfucker.
Why?
He's alive. Everybody else is dead. Paul McCartney won this war. He's a revolution. No, no, no. Paul McCartney's a bad motherfucker. Why? He's alive.
Everybody else is dead.
Paul McCartney won this war.
It's true.
Lenin's dead.
George Harrison's dead.
Everybody's dead.
Michael Jackson's dead.
Dead.
Paul McCartney's still doing plastic.
Even his wife.
He killed the fucking Lipton chick.
Didn't her parents own fucking Kodak?
She's dead, too.
Remember?
He moved her. He didn't know. He drove her to get a fucking sandwich. She's dead, too. Remember, he moved her.
He didn't know.
He drove her to get a fucking sandwich.
He died in the car.
Remember, dog?
Nobody fucking.
Then he had the one with the missing leg.
McCartney lives.
McCartney won this fucking game.
He out-won everybody.
McCartney outlived everybody.
The only one, him, Elton John, Bowie, Mick Jagger, which he don't even want to fuck with.
All those other guys think Mick Jagger's a filthy motherfucker anyway.
Do they?
Oh, they hate that motherfucker.
Why do they hate Mick Jagger?
Because look at him.
You want to just strangle Mick Jagger.
Why?
Mick Jagger's a different dude.
You know, Mick Jagger comes across.
Mick Jagger, what was his background?
I don't know.
Like, look at his background.
His background's like, he went to, like, the best business school.
Did you know that?
Really? Yeah, in England. Like, he's like a fucking His background's like he went to, like, the best business school. Did you know that? Really?
Yeah, in England.
Like, he's like a fucking wizard economist or something.
No shit.
Their story, yeah, he don't do nothing unless you show up with a big bank book.
I know in Boulder, we talked about this in the podcast one time in Boulder.
You know how in concerts the seats behind you?
Uh-huh.
Sell them.
But, Mr. Jagger, nobody sells the tickets behind him.
They won't buy it.
I'm Mick Jagger.
Sell those tickets or we don't go on stage.
Have you heard their new shit?
It's horrible.
It's not that bad.
Their new song's not that bad.
Really?
It's not that bad?
I don't know.
I just think that...
He just went right with it.
It's horrible.
I don't know.
Let me see if I can find it.
Let's help them.
Let's promote the Rolling Stones.
I think they gave a fuck. How funny is that?
Yeah, we'll help you out, Rolling Stones.
I know you need this little podcast.
He's got a book.
He's got a book that somebody wrote about him, and they interview somebody.
Who's the chick that's saying, you know, you're so vain?
Carly Simon?
Carly Simon sat next to him.
She was awesome.
At some movie premiere or something.
Mick Jagger sat next to him. He was like, dog some movie premiere or something. Mick Jagger sat next to him.
He was like, dog, you got a joint?
No.
You got a quaal?
No.
You got a bump of coke?
No.
How about a blowjob?
Mick Jagger just killed me.
How do you know if he really said that?
Because he broke me.
Dog, this guy married his wife, and he married in a country where fucking it wasn't even
legal to be married.
This guy's one step ahead of the game.
All he gives a fuck is getting his dick sucked.
He's 60-something.
You think Stallone's shooting shit?
This guy, oh, bitch slaps Stallone with his dick.
This guy's shooting everything.
He's got kids.
Every six months, he fucks a new model.
How many kids Mick Jagger got?
I don't know.
How many kids he got?
Look at those models.
Pull up the song.
It's called One More Shot, I think.
Hold on a second.
That was an automatic Guinness banned from YouTube.
You think so?
Yeah.
Nobody, nobody.
I feel like we should just do it.
Nobody slung more dick.
Listen, Will Chamberlain said he fucked over 100 women or whatever, 1,000 women.
But I believe nobody fucked more women than Sinatra and Mick Jagger.
Like, that was it.
Can we play one little excerpt of it?
Mm-mm.
Not even, like, a little?
Really?
Damn, YouTube.
That's whack.
Yeah.
We need to work something out with YouTube.
YouTube, hook us up, please.
So, the new Stones is good?
It's not bad, man.
I know they released, like, a song, but I don't know what they're doing.
No more.
The fucking Stones.
The Stones are the biggest business merger ever.
They released six old songs and two new ones, and they're banging out for another $19.95.
Dude, when he came back, or when it was like, what is it, like 90-ish, 89, 89, 90, they had like one big hit again.
What was that one big hit they had?
Okay, so 81 was Shattered and all that shit. Yeah.
And then after that it was the other one. They took some
time off and then they came back. Neighbors.
Not that album. Then it kept going.
You guys like Bruce Springsteen? No.
Thank God. Dad, I'm from Jersey.
I want to stab that motherfucker too.
Yeah, I like some Bruce Springsteen song. I like the first album.
I ain't gonna lie. I like 10th Avenue
Freeze Out. Yeah, oh dude. I like
Darkness on the Edge of Town.
But after that, Born in the USA with the t-shirt, him jumping up and down.
Cash and Checks, fuck you.
You know what I'm saying?
Fuck you, cocksucker.
I don't like you no more.
Cash and Checks, fuck you.
Born in the USA.
What the fuck?
He puts on a four-hour show.
I don't give a fuck.
After two hours, I gotta get out of here.
The coke was on fire. It's so weird how he's like like the people on the East Coast they that that that's their like sinatra. He's a really emotional songwriter man. He's got some great
fucking songs Thunder Road that is a great great fucking song but this is
what happens what happens is when a guy gets like super famous it's really hard
to keep up that struggle.
And so you sort of become at least a partial parody of yourself.
Have you seen him lately with that fucked up haircut?
This is a fucking Marine.
He's beautiful.
Oh, he gets on my last fucking mess.
He's beautiful.
The guy, to me, still came up with Born to Run, man.
Oh, I love all that shit, but enough already.
Take a retirement.
It's over.
He comes out.
You see how he plays the guitar?
Like he's doing something spectacular.
He knows like four fucking chords.
Knock it off.
I'm sorry.
I just fucking.
He gets on my last fucking nerve.
I'm a Sinatra type dude anyway, you motherfuckers.
And Bon Jovi and shit I like too.
I'm a Bon Jovi type motherfucker.
Bon Jovi back in the day.
But not anymore.
87, Slippery When Wet.
Born to Run.
Wanted Dead or Alive.
You guys are talking mad shit.
Because Born to Run is a thousand times better than any of those songs.
So shut it and suck it.
10th Avenue, Freeze Out.
Oh, tremendous, tremendous.
Yeah, Bruce Springsteen.
But I'll tell you what, Bruce Springsteen, when he had the divorce, then he came out with some jamming music, man.
Because he felt really brokenhearted over him and this chick breaking up.
So he came out with that brilliant disguise song.
That's a great fucking song.
That is a great fucking song.
He came back with some strong shit after that chick crushed him.
Hey, little girl, what you do to you?
You wanna send a dick?
Give mama a two.
I'm on fire.
Stop giving me AIDS.
No one would ever make that song today.
Hey little girl, is your daddy home?
I had a bad desire.
What?
Who the fuck would make that song today?
You couldn't do that song in the age of the internet.
They would crucify you. They would go after you.
The fake Rick Ross
lost Reebok as a sponsor. Did you hear about that?
Oh, really? Oh, yeah.
That's so ridiculous. The fake Rick Ross
made some lyric
about raping chicks. Raping, yeah.
Dosing them with molly, putting molly in their drink,
and she didn't even know it.
Something along those lines.
And banging chicks while they're asleep.
Why did I ever have the desire to molly a chick or give a chick a roofie?
I'm a dirty animal.
Because you got game, son.
No, even in the young days.
That's true.
I would ask a chick if she wanted to eat a roofie.
I had like three girls.
Dog, I had this little Jew broad in Boulder that she would eat roofies on Sundays with me.
And we'd freak.
She wouldn't let me fuck her, but she let me eat her ass in 69, and shit.
Wow.
But she wouldn't let you fuck her?
No, she had, like, a boyfriend that was in the Navy or something.
Oh, that's hilarious.
And she kept hope alive.
Yeah, but we'd go to her house.
We'd eat a roofie.
We'd split a roofie, because she liked them, too.
We had to go to Leehill Road right up the corner.
There was, like, an industrial park up there.
Some dude, like, did a sheet rod.
Not sheet rod, sheet metal.
And he sold roofies.
She drove me up there.
He gave me a couple roofies.
We popped on the Lord's Day.
We split a fucking roofie, go have a couple margaritas.
You talk about bad karma, man.
You're selling roofies.
Just here, go ahead, do with these what you will.
No, no, no, but I was responsible with the roofies.
No, you, no, no.
I'm saying the guy was selling them.
I couldn't imagine doing that to a chick.
Listen, I'll work hard for it.
I'll take you home with an eight ball and then switch it up on you and give you aspirin until you suck my dick.
You know what?
I'll run you through the fucking walls like the Egyptians.
I'll give a fuck.
But I can't see that.
I can never see root do's in a chick.
Well, that's real sweet of you, Joey.
I'm telling you, dog, I think rape is wrong.
I'm just saying.
I just think it's wrong. I mean, you know, I can't believe you do it. No,, I think rape is wrong. I'm just saying. I just think it's wrong.
I mean, you know, I can't believe you do it.
No, but I never understood.
I can't even watch Law & Order SVU.
I love Law & Order.
The one where they fuck them, I can't watch it.
It's hard.
After like 10 minutes, I'm like, I can't watch this shit.
Yeah, that's because, you know, we all know that happens.
After a while, when you know that a certain amount of violent crime takes place,
then you're watching, like, bodies on TV. Like, you're watching like bodies on tv like i was watching the other night it was at the airport and in the middle of
the airport they're they're playing this uh one of those shows like law and order svu or something
like that and i'm i'm seeing like like a body you know and i'm i don't know if it was a commercial
i don't know what the fuck it was but i was like wow that's pretty graphic like who wants to see
that like who wants to see that now Like, who wants to see that?
Now that I'm thinking about it, was it an airport or was it in a store?
I think it was in a store.
Either way, the important thing is that, like,
seeing those images on those shows,
they're repeating over and over and over again.
They have all these, like, graphic images of bodies
and pulling things out of bodies, and it's like, it's pretty intense.
You're taking that stuff into your psyche. You're taking that stuff into your psyche.
You're taking that stuff into your bank of experiences.
I don't like sexual stuff on television early.
Can you believe that?
You mean like girls making out?
No, let's say I'm watching Diane Sawyer and I have like a condom commercial.
I'll fucking lose my mind.
A condom commercial will bother you?
Oh, it's still tampon really destroys you.
Tampon commercial, I want to choke myself.
My wife is in the room
or like your aunts in the room or some older woman since i was a kid they did a kotex commercial i
would sit there and look fucking straight ahead dog i never get so embarrassed in my life i don't
want them to ask me if i know and i don't want to fucking know if blood comes out of your snatch
and what you put up there that's got nothing to do with me.
I'm just going to look straight at it.
Don't even bring it up.
You know how there's some women that's cute?
Yeah.
They think it's cute.
Like, hold on.
I got to go get a tampon.
Listen, I don't want to know.
I don't want to know if you're bleeding.
You just ruined everything for me.
I don't want to know.
Does that really bother you?
That bothers me?
He hates the sight of blood.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I hate the sight of talking about that your fucking pussy's bleeding around me.
That's what I fucking hate.
Even when they have it in their purse, I get sick to my fucking stomach.
I don't want to see a fucking tampon around me.
I don't want to fucking see a tampon at all.
All right?
When I'm watching TV and a tampon commercial comes on, even when I'm by myself, I feel creepy.
That's so weird.
And condom commercials, that new commercial with the chick's head popping out, or the
fucking thing that you put on your finger.
Have you seen that fucking commercial, the chick with the creepy finger?
Yeah.
This is great to relieve stress.
You know what, man?
I don't want to know about that shit.
Play it after.
What the fuck is that?
Oh, my God.
That's a zombie.
Oh, my God.
What is that?
Is that a zombie?
Put that away.
That's broken. That one's broken.
Don't even get that one fixed.
To this day, anything vaginal sprays,
anything vaginal on television
before like 10 o'clock
drives me up a fucking wall.
I've never had a period problem.
It doesn't bother me.
Never had my own period. Well, I have my own period every now and then, but I've never had a period problem. It doesn't bother me. You've never had a period? Never had my own period. Well, I have my own period every now and then.
But I've never had like a period problem, like a problem with a girl's period.
It doesn't bother me at all.
I told you the one I had to this day.
And it was fucked up because my mother had just died.
And it was the first time a chick called me.
Like that was my first booty call ever.
I had dated this girl before.
She was a cheerleader at Franklin School.
I played hoops at McKinley, and we had messed around a little bit.
Not really sex.
I don't remember, Joe.
I think I sucked her titties.
I knew her brother.
You know what I'm saying?
We were in grammar school, high school, and I had sucked her titties or something after a dance or something.
And after my mother died, I was home for a week, and this lady was taking care of me.
And I get this call one night, and it's this chick, and she goes, you know, you want to
get together?
And I was feeling bad, you know?
I didn't know she was going to throw me a little lottery pussy, like my little funeral
pussy.
I never got funeral pussy, but it exists, you know?
Funeral pussy?
Yeah, like after somebody dies in your family, some chick calls you and sucks your dick.
Really?
Yeah.
Because they feel bad?
Like, they're like, maybe they're like one of those women that hang out at comedy clubs and they die coming.
Groupies?
Groupies, yeah.
They like to have sex with people after somebody dies.
I'm serious.
But I knew her.
She probably just called me out of the kindness of my heart to make me feel well.
So I walked from 38th Street to 46th, grabbed this bitch, and walked back to my house on 38th Street.
I'm all fucking horned up.
We start swatting.
I take my pants off.
I pop her panties off and the Kotex pops out of her pussy
like a tongue in one of those fucking haunted houses, right?
You know the thing that's like this?
Like this?
Blah!
They pop up like blah!
Like that, right?
And I just sat there frozen.
Like I had never seen that before.
I had never smelled that before. I had never smelled that before.
I had never been around anything like that.
My mother had just died.
That was traumatic enough.
This would just set me over the fucking cliff.
And how that woman's still alive today.
To this day, I don't even look on Facebook to see if she'll, because I might kill her.
Because she's fucked.
She fucked me up, Joe Rogan.
Fucked me up.
I told her to put her pants on.
I remember walking home the whole time.
I didn't know how to control myself.
I didn't know how to control myself.
To this day, I think about that motherfucker.
That's hilarious.
Because she thought, I don't know, that's the first time I ever seen a woman with a period.
And the last.
I made a fucking point.
That's so funny.
I don't care how old I am. If I'm in a bar, I got a fucking point. That's so funny. I don't care how horny I am.
If I'm in a bar, I got a bag of Coke, and somewhere along the line,
that chick says she got her period.
That's where the conversation ends.
It ends.
There's no more talking.
They used to have this freak.
There used to be this chick I used to mess around with in Hollywood,
and I knew her cycle.
She would have her period from the 20th to the 25th.
I wouldn't answer her calls those five nights dog
like six or seven nights
just to make sure
everything cleared
wow
and she never figured out
till this day
that's hilarious
she's never figured out
I wouldn't bring coke over there
terrified of the
I can't
I'm gonna waste coke
on
it's so silly
on a bloody pussy
fuck it
I'll snort it by myself
and jerk off
but doesn't it still feel good
or is it just the way it looks
you don't like the way it looks
no no no it's warmer I like it no myself and jerked off. But doesn't it still feel good? Is it just the way it looks? You don't like the way it looks? No, no, no.
It's warmer.
I like it.
No, no, no.
There's blood.
Is that bad enough for you?
There's fucking blood.
Is that bad enough for you right there, that you're fucking blood?
No matter what you're doing, you're fucking blood.
I know you like it.
I know Redman.
You want the tampon, a little gravy comes out?
Oh, my God.
No, you son of a bitch. That's the problem, is you don't want to look at the blood that's on the tampon, a little gravy comes out. Oh, my God. Oh, you son of a bitch.
That's the problem is you don't want to look at the blood that's on the tampon
because that's blood that came out a month ago or whatever it is.
Not a month, obviously.
Remember Grill 93?
An hour ago, whatever it is.
It's all dried up and coagulated.
Remember Grill 93?
Yes.
Remember in Boston.
I never did that gig.
Okay, I did that gig.
That happened after I left.
Right, so it was a Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday open mic.
So you did the weekend.
Thursday was an open mic, and I would headline.
And then you did the weekend, and then you...
And then you stayed the week, and during the week I would do Monday at Fannu Hall,
Tuesday some room in fucking Quincy.
Right.
Thursday, Worcester, and then I'd go back to the Aku Aku or whatever.
But the point of the story is one Sunday at that place,
I had met her before, an open mic girl that was in the Navy.
The hotel, the Club 56 was right next door.
And she's like, I'm kind of tipsy.
And I kind of liked it.
She had a crush on me.
We started swapping spit.
We went next door.
That was the first time I was involved in one of those dark light
swapping spit things.
Kiss somebody in the dark.
We were all over the place on the bed.
And I remember my pants came off.
Her shit came off.
And I'm giving this chick a stabbing.
But this chick's pussy was fucking wet as fuck.
And I'm banging this like a soldier.
And these days, I had stamina.
This is like 98.
I was a savage before I got before the belt.
And dog, I turned the light on, and there was blood everywhere.
Yeah, see, it felt good, right?
No, it didn't feel fucking good at all.
I knew something wasn't right.
It smelled funky.
It smelled fucked up in the room.
Salty?
Something.
It smelled something in the fucking room.
That's probably you, motherfucker.
No, I'm on fire.
No, no, no.
You know.
You smell good?
No, I'm a water dude.
You know I like water.
I take my nuts.
When I go home now, I take a fucking shower.
Before I go do comedy, I take a shower.
I take a shower before I go to the gym.
That's how fucking clean I am.
I've always felt bad when chicks feel bad about it.
No, I would never call somebody a bloody fuck.
It doesn't bother me.
I don't even get involved.
It bothers the fuck out of me.
It's just red.
Whatever.
No, no, no.
It's not.
No one's getting hurt.
She's fine.
No.
A lot of times they're extra horny, too.
Yeah.
A lot of times girls on their period are like, ah, they're horny.
You like it, Joe?
You don't mind it.
It doesn't bother me.
You don't mind it.
I don't care.
It doesn't bother me.
What about the sheets and shit?
I think it's wetter.
I think it feels better.
You change the sheets right after it.
Oh, no, you put it down the towel.
There's shit to worry about in this life.
I don't think that's one of them.
You have a period towel.
You make chicks feel bad, man.
No, I'm not trying to make nobody feel bad.
It does.
Hey, somebody, people, listen, some people don't like snakes.
I like snakes.
I like some people.
How are you equating snakes to a girl's period?
Because I'm saying the fucking same thing.
Heartless monsters that'll fucking consume your soul.
It's right there.
I got to spell it out for you.
Snake, pussy, pussy, snake, Adam and Eve.
Not everybody likes the same things in life.
You know, people know if you can't handle that in your life, people don't like certain things.
Oh, yeah.
No doubt.
I just don't like that.
Some chicks don't like fat guys.
You know, whatever.
There's some chicks that, you know, some people don't like.
I just never liked it.
Well, remember the time you realized it was probably like in your early 20s or whatever that some girls not only like would like they want you to come in their mouth
and other girls get mad if you come in their mouth like hmm like this is a there's a there's
a different thing there's a very different response here yeah you know like some girls
will say don't come in my mouth and you're like oh okay and then other girls like come in my mouth
like whoa for real like you see does she really want that is she trying to trick me? What is going on here? I like the girl
that after you fuck her, she always wants to
take a little taste of it almost
every single time. That's a dirty bitch
that wants to eat her own pussy, but she's too lazy to
work out and stretch.
She's too lazy to become one of those
contortionists. That's what that is.
She just likes the taste of her own pussy. The worst is when you're
eating out a girl and she is on
her period and you don't realize it until the next day you see like the dried
blood all over your face and you go to the store just like a clot in your tooth
I think that's an alcohol and drug problem really it's how the fuck you not
knowing what's going on you're eating this girl's pussy and it tastes like a
bag of pennies like fuck what's going on here That's disgusting. That was really, really, really, to an all-time high of disgust.
I have heard some disgusting fucking things, Brian.
I don't mind licking like a drunk, but I like all that.
It's just a bloodbath.
Ah, it's all just blood.
You ever eat a drink?
You like, you'll take shit over blood.
Ah, a little shit ain't gonna hurt you, Joe Rogan.
No, not blood.
The blood's from fucking vampires.
How many fucking, by the way, the original vampire.
Think about that.
If you really think about Blade, set this motherfucking old vampire.
He's out.
Yeah, he's out.
Hopefully he'll make Blade 9.
Yeah, and for anybody who thinks I have a problem with that guy, I never had a problem with that guy.
There was supposedly like an MMA fight they were trying.
It sounds like bullshit.
Now that I talk about it.
Wesley Pipes.
Yeah, with Wesley Snipes.
It was not my idea, and I didn't have any animosity towards that guy at all.
How much time did he do?
He did three years.
Three fucking years.
Yeah, three fucking years, man.
He was going to write the fucking book.
And not only that, he was willing to pay.
They were like, it doesn't matter.
You're going to jail.
He admitted that he made a mistake, tried to them off and like no you have to do time
you have to do time they put him in jail for three years you can't just the government whether you
especially if you're in a position of prominence like a giant movie star like that if you run
around saying that you're not going to pay taxes that can fuck up everything and they have to make
an example of you it's almost like they have to you know because there's a lot of people out there
that will argue about the constitutional legality of this and that and the reality is everybody's paying
you gotta pay you know yeah it doesn't no one wrote it down 1776 okay but it's 2013 the reality
of this situation is that everybody's paying and these people that go you know we have found a
clause here deep within the constitution that clearly states that what is going on is unconstitutional, unlawful, and they would never have this brought up in a court of law.
Because if this was exposed, it would take down the very empire itself.
And people go, fuck, I ain't paying taxes.
Let them come get me.
I'll start talking shit.
I'll start telling them about how the tax code is illegal and not even in the Constitution.
You know, and they're like, tell him, Wesley.
Tell him, Wesley.
And next thing you know – I don't know if it went down that way.
I'm just guessing.
I'm making shit up.
I don't mean to be mean to the guy.
But then next thing you know, he bought into some guy's idea and didn't pay taxes willfully.
And so that was for a couple of years. And when they were going after him and like they were trying to, you know, he won one,
but he didn't lose.
He lost like the second most important one.
But I think he was acquitted
in the most important one,
which was like a conspiracy
or something along those lines.
But he still willfully avoided paying taxes.
And so they put him away for three solid years.
You know, when you're 47 years old,
like he
was that's that's a long chunk of the future of your life you know how much more time do you have
do you have who's the oldest person ever he's like 120 you know so we got 80 years left less
less than 80 years and someone just stole three they stole three and wanted to put you in a cage
because you wouldn't pay them i mean that is like some of the most gangster shit like any society can ever pull on its
citizens.
If you don't give us a piece of what you earn, then we're going to put you in a cage.
It's not like a debt.
It's not like there's some money on the ledger that has to be corrected and you have to eventually
recompensate us until we're even.
No.
No, we're going to lock you in a cage.
That's our solution. And when you get out, we're going to lock you in a cage. That's our solution.
And when you get out, you're still going to have to pay us.
Well, that's a fairly, and that's a fairly victimless crime, if you really think about it.
In the greater spectrum of all the things that goes wrong in this country, that's a fairly
victimless crime. I mean, absolutely, it's a crime. Absolutely, people should have to contribute to
the fixing of the highways and paying police officers and all that jazz. But the idea that someone should be just locked in a cage for that is kind of crazy.
I mean there's people that don't get locked in a cage for assault.
There's people that don't get locked in a cage for much more horrible physical things.
There's actual real trauma to an individual.
There's an actual victim, and they don't get locked in a cage for three years.
Well, you said the reasons why.
Because they wanted to make an example out of him as a person in his position.
You know, you can't go to the government and go, I ain't paying a dick. Really?
We will send tanks down there.
Fuck you, Dave Koresh.
If you haven't learned, when they want their shit, they get their fucking shit.
It don't matter.
The government or your fucking constitution, throw that shit out the fucking window.
And I pity you for even believing that.
If you fuck up bad enough, they're coming to get you, my friend.
Yeah, at this point, retracting that is going to be met with furious resistance.
And the idea that it's not is really silly.
It's almost like at a point in this country where things are so weird
that it's almost like one of two things has to happen.
Either there's some sort of technological breakthrough that makes it impossible to lie anymore,
and then from now on, everybody has to operate like on 100%, no bullshit.
It's either that, when we get adapted to that, or some fucking walking dead zombie type situation
where we have to reinvent civilization.
Because if we just keep going the way we're going right now,
there's so many opportunities for us to trip over our own dicks.
Just this North Korea thing alone.
See what's going on with this crazy motherfucker
just pointing rockets at everybody and saber-rattling and saying,
I mean, what do they need?
Do they need food?
What do they need?
Do they need power, electricity?
They need something, obviously.
The guy's doing something to get some sort of attention and get some people to calm him down.
How long can that guy be around for?
How long can you have India and Pakistan hate each other, pointing nuclear arms at each other right there, just like staring at each other?
How much longer can people do what they're doing?
It's kind of weird.
It's like one of two things has to happen. Either they've got to figure out some new invention that lets people all realize that we all have – there's repercussions to everyone's actions, positive and negative.
And everybody has a stake in everything that happens all over the world, whether it's in the Congo or the fucking – the people that are getting run out of the Brazilian rainforest because loggers have moved in.
Those guys are douchebags.
Like let's be clear about that.
Like some people are living in some tents. Some guys want to steal their trees like everybody needs to settle
the fuck down we need to look at this globally and the fact that like cunty shit can happen in
the amazon and the congo and all these different spots while that happens and we know about it
we'll never be at balance and it seems to me it's like something has to happen that connects
everybody whether it's a stage of evolution whether it's a slow progress of things that we're going through right now, that where people are getting upset at things right now that they never got upset at before.
You know, where people are sort of realizing that we're much more connected than people have ever been before.
been before. And if that doesn't like continue on that trend, when you got things like North Korea,
when you got things like what's going on in the Congo, and you got really bad spots in Afghanistan,
really bad spots on Iraq. And the world is there's there's parts of the world right now that are in the apocalypse. They're right there. The apocalypse exists. And it's going on right now.
And while we're all just sitting here, living our lives, that's taking place and we know it.
And because we know it, we always feel out of whack.
We always feel like if the whole world got its shit together, if human beings figured out a way where no one was fucking over anybody anywhere in the world.
No one was murdering anybody anywhere in the world.
No one was raping anybody anywhere in the world.
That could be possible.
If it's possible to do in this room, it's possible to do in the whole country.
Too late.
I already raped the jam man.
Does that make sense or am I too stoned?
You're too stoned.
You know, back to, I know that we've had discussions about your fears.
And you always said that one of your biggest fears was staying healthy
when you got older.
You didn't want to really, really get old.
Well, I don't want my body to fail.
Walking around with a failing body.
I'm going to tell you something that petrifies me more than anything.
You know, nothing scares me.
I never wanted to go to jail after I was 25.
It's true, yeah.
I know that all these gangsters are glorious,
and they fucking glorify my biography. You know what? They died in a fucking hole. It's true, yeah. and your pension, your house should be paid for. Well, it's amazing that those creeps made it that long.
You know, when you see guys like John Gotti in jail,
and Sammy the Bull, they let him out.
That doesn't show you how nutty our government is.
No, he's still in jail.
Yeah, but, I mean, they let him out.
They let him out, yeah, yeah, yeah.
When he was involved, and they knew he was involved in at least, like,
how many murders?
20.
Some insane amount of murders, and they let him go
because he gave them information on Gotti.
But the beauty is that 20, 30 years from now, somebody's going to find the file on Sammy
the Bocavano and it's going to be one of the biggest smacks to the American people that
you've ever known.
Nobody really knew what really happened.
Nobody knew that the government wanted Gotti so bad.
They wanted him.
I don't give a, listen, I don't give a fuck.
I want this guy
that we'll do whatever.
What did he kill? 80 people. Fuck them. They were Italian.
They got what they deserved. Fuck them and their mother.
That's the thinking.
What people don't know is that
Sammy was brilliant in the sense that he was the first
one to rap.
He was the first one to rap. What he did to the government
was brilliant. The government knew. I told you
that there's stories that the government was collecting his loan shark payments when
he went away. He went into the system, got out, and then that's when it really blew up
in their face because all these people started going in, testifying, saying, I would never
lie. I sold drugs to Sammy the Bull Govano. The government would go, no, you didn't. Sammy
never sold a drug in his life. But after 50 people came in and said, yes, they
did, the government finally said, they ain't fucking
lying. And then that fucking idiot went
on to HBO.
Oh, the Iceman. Went on HBO
and on his third last interview,
he said he killed the cop.
And that Sammy the Bull Govano gave
him the order.
They went to the files. They said they seen that
Sammy never copped to that cop.
And all of a sudden they had him involved in an ecstasy ring
and they pulled him into jail. And the ice
band mysteriously died
to tell his story,
to prosecute Sammy.
They took the bull and they put him in Colorado
in Tomahawk under the fucking
prison.
Under the prison. So
the government, this is a kinky fucking deal. So he never sees the light. Never sees light again. so the government this is a kink so he never sees the light never sees
light again but the government didn't give a fuck when they cut the deal and that's not just with
him they do this all the time but it's a different government that's the thing it's like the people
that are in charge today and not the people that put sammy the bull out on the street back during
the gaudy time most. Five fucking years he got
for killing 20 people.
And he got to take his money.
Yeah.
He got to take $10 million.
And he got to,
they didn't care.
And then they put him in,
he was in Phoenix, right?
He was in Phoenix.
Didn't he like try to go under
a fake name or something like that?
He told him to go fuck himself.
He told him to come and get him.
That's how crazy that little mother,
five foot five,
training with Teddylas five days a
week shoot b ball d fall and fuck did you see him before when he was huge did you see him when he
got nailed he looked scary he was five five two something he was a human bulldog he was you know
and he was fighting every morning over there with teddy atlas that's the truth teddy atlas was his
trainer wow yeah that was a scary time.
When you had real, legit mafia criminals
flaunting it in New York.
What about what's going on?
I hear shit about how they just,
and I shouldn't say this, how they arrest
Arabs in New York and try to flip
the things on them and try to get those terrorist
cases. What are they doing?
We had a discussion about how they take
the people to go and push. They take Arabs and they go and push them in on those on those terror groups well they
did that in dallas they gave the guy i think it was dallas they gave a guy a fake bomb and they uh
they had him try to detonate it when he tried to detonate they arrested him for trying to detonate
a bomb like like you gave him the bomb like you know and how i mean that's so crazy the idea that
they would be able to make a fake bomb, get it to you.
They talked this guy into doing it.
Let's do the conversation.
Okay, sir.
My friend, I have a bomb for you.
No, no, I'm going to give it to you.
You're the bomb guy.
Well, I think he thought he was dealing with a terrorist organization.
He didn't know he was dealing with the FBI.
He had some FBI guy who says, this is my friend, America is devil.
We're going to take it down.
You are in.
You are an important part
of our program.
This guy's an idiot.
He's like,
I'm an important part,
finally.
Something, anything.
What do I do?
Is that an offensive voice?
Offensive,
stereotypical,
Arab-type dude voice?
What do I do?
I don't know.
So what do you think,
how do you think it went down?
What do you think he said to him? That's it went down? What do you think he said?
That's a good angle. What do you think he said? You take this and you put it when you come back,
we give you badge. And they're probably like FBI, pension and everything. And the guy's like,
and you and I? Insurance, 55,000 a year to start and pension and car and car, gasoline, gasoline.
I'll be back. That's so he planned ahead. He was, gasoline, gasoline. I'll be back. So he planned ahead?
He was that type of person?
The government's always two steps ahead of you, dog.
I think the guy was probably like, if I do this, you'll be my friend?
What are you playing?
Oh, terrorist music.
That's terrorist music?
You know what terrorist music is?
That John Ashcroft song we played earlier.
That's terrorism.
That's fucking terrorist music.
You know what's terrorism, bro?
Subway sandwich.
How is that terrorism? I was thinking about it.
I was in Nashville.
You know across the street from Nashville?
It's that Subway sandwich right there.
Right.
How fucking cool is Nashville Zanies?
Am I fucking around?
Is it me?
No, no, no.
It's amazing.
And it's nice people, cool.
Nashville's a badass town.
Three for years.
Nashville's a fucking cool town.
Yeah.
But I was looking at that sub
and I'm like, those motherfuckers sell turkey fucking
salami. Turkey fucking
salami. Right. You know, they do
such bad shit, they don't even give you a full foot.
Yeah, did you see that?
And I knew that from the beginning. I know what
fucking a foot looks like. I knew it was fucking kinky.
When you get six inches, that's when you know it's
not a fucking six inch. Because I worked at
a lumberyard for fucking years.
You know what a fucking six inch is.
Right, so the six inch is more like what?
It's like an inch short.
The foot long is like an inch short.
Everybody I fucking talked to said at one time they got food poisoned from the tuna.
The tuna's bad?
And I got it one time.
And I liked the tuna for years, but I got it one time.
You can't say that, though.
You can't say that on a podcast.
We're going to get in trouble.
No, I'm just telling you that, though. You can't say that on a podcast. We're going to get in trouble. Allegedly.
Between me saying that someone should sell the post office to a private contractor
to run it like EPS.
What the fuck? And this guy ratting out the comedy store?
Yeah.
This is what happens when we take a few days off.
They got the health department on their way right now
knocking on Paulie Shore's door.
Yeah, you got a problem.
He's in there with a fucking 16-year-old chicken bus station and shit.
Yeah.
No, they arrest him
as a girl enters into that bathroom.
And the security is
hovering over the window looking in.
You're such a fucking Christ.
Yeah, man, you just fucked
everybody who has a part
in that place, Brian. You really did. You're a terrible person. I knew motherf just fucked everybody who has a part of that place Brian you really did
You're a terrible person
I knew motherfuckers for years were looking at something
I didn't know they were in there looking at pussy
I can't even dream of that shit
How can you be such a disgusto
When you're looking at a fucking thing
A disgusto
You know I judge everybody by my actions
You know what I'm saying
I'm a fucking piece of shit thief.
And these disgustos,
look at the fucking poor lady's pussy
do a fucking thing.
And to even look in,
I mean,
I don't understand.
I really don't.
Fucking unbelievable.
Well, that's the thing
about any open institution,
whether it's a comedy store
or a park where kids hang out in.
You're going to get,
you know,
you're going to get
all kinds of people. You're going to get real friendly people and you're going to get all kinds of people.
You're going to get real friendly people, and you're going to get people that suck.
And at the comedy store, you're going to have both of that too.
We've always had those few comedians that would come around,
and you're like, Jesus Christ, you've got to back up and move away.
And they have bad mojo, and they're all upset.
Why am I on at this time?
And Joey Diaz is on at this time.
This is bullshit.
And they stomp around.
You always get that, right?
Always.
Always.
People put cameras in bathrooms in other places.
I see it all the time.
Chuck Berry.
Didn't Chuck Berry get in trouble for doing that?
In the steak houses or something?
Chuck Berry, I believe, got in trouble for doing that.
I should probably look that up.
Putting the fucking tape in the bathroom and then going.
And what do you do?
Excuse me.
You go back at the end of the day and empty the camera and look at the people pissing?
Why are you asking me?
I don't know.
Because you're into all that shit, you filthy cocksucker.
I can't say that.
I don't want to say.
He's not into that.
How dare you?
Well.
If you take a pee at Brian's house, he's watching.
No, I'm not.
Yes, he is.
That motherfucker's watching on his iPhone, trust me.
That night I gave him the banana bread.
I caught him with his phone off.
He was taping somebody at the Ice House, this motherfucker.
He got like eight cameras all around the city.
Oh, this is so not true.
But I do admit that I was talking to a comic that we are all friends with.
And he's like, I want to send you something.
Because I was talking about the Rub Maps website.
And he goes, I have something to send you.
And he gives it, and I take it,
and it's like two things of keys, like keychains.
And they're like the little things for your car for the alarm.
And I'm like, why is he sending me these car things?
And I open it up, and it's a camera.
And what you do is you put it on your keychain,
and so then when you're somewhere like a massage parlor
or something like that, you hit record,
and just put down your keys keys and it records HD video.
Whoa.
And he just sent it to me.
He's like, oh, trust me.
I have the greatest thing for you.
And he sends me two of them.
Okay.
I got a totally wrong story of Chuck Berry.
Chuck Berry did a lot of wacky shit, but that's not one of them.
One of the things he did in 1959, he was arrested under the Mann Act that he had sex with a 14-year-old waitress from which he transported over state lines to work as a hat check girl at his club.
14-year-old waitress?
Where do they even have 14-year-old waitresses?
Like a tea party?
He was convicted, fined $5,000, and sentenced to five years in prison. His appeal that the judge's comments and the attitude were racist and prejudiced by the jury against him was upheld,
and a second trial was held in May and June of 1961, which resulted in Barry being given a three-year prison sentence.
After another appeal failed, Barry served one and a half years in prison from February of 1962 to October of 1963.
He pleaded guilty to tax evasion, was sentenced to four months in prison and a thousand hours
of community service,
doing benefit concerts
in 1979,
and in 1990,
Barry pleaded guilty
to misdemeanor possession
of marijuana.
Holla!
The last one
they got him for weed.
They should have looked
at his ledger and gone,
this guy's done enough time.
Jesus.
So he transferred?
He said, listen, baby.
Jesus Christ.
Listen, baby,
not only are you going
to suck my dick,
but I got a job for you
as a motherfucking hat check girl. 14. 14-year-old hat check girl. So he transferred. He said, listen, baby. Jesus Christ. Listen, baby, not only are you going to suck my dick, but I got a job for you.
As a motherfucking hat check girl.
14.
14-year-old hat check girl.
Holy shit.
Wow.
Chuck Berry was a bad motherfucker.
You know, that was a totally different time in the world, too.
Imagine the racism that guy felt.
What about the guy that played the piano?
He fucked his cousin or something.
Red Band.
What's that?
Come on, guys.
Who are you talking about? He did all this. Oh, Jerry Lee Lewis. Yeah, who he fucked. He's a pervert. Yeah, he fucked his cousin or something. Red Band. What's that? Come on, guys. Who are you talking about?
He did all this. Oh, Jerry Lee Lewis.
Yeah, who he fucked.
He's a pervert.
Yeah, he fucked his cousin
and he might have...
The allegations were that
at one point in time
that he killed his wife.
Wasn't it?
Didn't he get in trouble?
That's what they...
They called him the killer.
That was actually his nickname.
What's so funny? He's so fucked up on edibles. You can tell That was actually his nickname. What's so funny?
He's so fucked up on edibles.
You can tell.
Look at his eyes.
You can even see his eyes.
I'm fucking high right now.
I didn't smoke pot for over a week.
You didn't?
I didn't smoke pot for a week before the show.
Now we're off the deep end.
Let me tell you something.
So this guy fucked this cunt and killed this woman.
Yeah, someone drowned.
Like one of his wives drowned.
Yeah.
But who knows? She could have just drowned, man. Like, one of his wives drowned. Yeah. But who knows?
She could have just drowned, man.
You know?
Might not have been.
Yeah, what are you doing?
He was so crazy, though.
You guys slandering?
No, no.
He was so crazy.
Jerry Lee Lewis was so fucking crazy
that him and Chuck Berry
were doing a gig together.
And Chuck Berry played piano, too, right?
I think so.
Yeah, yeah.
Was it Chuck Berry
that he lit his piano on fire?
Is that Liberace?
No, no, no. That's Liberace. Didn't Jerry Lewis. Jerry Lewis. Yeah, yeah. Something like that. Was it Chuck Berry that he lit his piano on fire? Is that Liberace? No, no, no.
That's Liberace.
Didn't?
Jerry Lewis.
Yeah.
It was Jerry Lewis.
Great Balls of Fire.
Right, but Jerry Lewis lit Chuck Berry's piano on fire.
I don't remember that.
I think he did.
I think he did, and I think he said, like, follow that motherfucker.
Like, he lit the piano on fire.
I'm pretty sure.
I need to pull that up.
Because maybe I'm just combining scenes in movies.
Jerry Lee Lewis.
Chuck Berry.
No, it's not romantic.
He was crazy, man.
Which one?
Jerry Lee Lewis?
Jerry Lee Lewis was crazy.
He was crazy.
Yeah, that guy was nuts.
Yeah, he had a fight.
He got in a fist fight with Chuck Berry.
Goodness gracious. Yeah. yeah that guy was nuts yeah you had a fight you got in a fistfight with Chuck Barry yeah Jerry Lee Jerry Lee Lewis Chuck Berry feud yeah these were I mean think about these type of people I mean these are wild motherfuckers just Jerry
just just think of Chuck Berry think of getting in a fight with a guy like Chuck Berry.
He's doing time, does a year and a half in the pokey for, you know, transporting a girl across state lines.
Apparently he said.
Tax evasion.
Apparently he caught the piano on fire, then walked off stage telling Berry, follow that N-word in order to.
Imagine if he actually did say N-word.
Follow that N-word. This to... Imagine if he actually did say N-word. Follow that N-word.
This is a sad time.
Sad time.
Yeah, but it's just...
That whole lifestyle going into prison and coming out.
Oh, yeah.
Fuck you, Joe Rogan.
I love Chinese food too much.
I like walking around too much.
Fuck you, brother.
Especially in the 60s.
Especially in the 60s.
Especially now.
Like, going and doing time.
I don't give.
They all.
Listen, any time that you glorify on television, that's bullshit.
You're still not seeing your family.
To be 65 and live your whole life and think that you were a gangster and to get put in
jail when you're 50.
Yeah.
And have to be 67 and fucking prison.
I say nobody going to rape you or beat you up.
Just a thought.
Just being your freedom removed.
And you see these idiots
on Discovery Channel.
Like when they do
those prison shows
and I'm on the road,
I'll stay up late writing
but I'll put that channel on
and I watch the interviews
of these guys.
Like, yeah, you know,
I did it.
What the fuck did you do?
You fucking pissed away
a life.
Yeah.
You pissed away
a fucking life.
You do two, three years
when you're 18.
That ain't shit, John Rogan.
Anybody can do it standing in their fucking head.
Did you hear about that guy that they just arrested that was living in the woods of Maine by himself?
He hadn't talked to another person in 30 years.
And he had been surviving all this time by stealing things from campgrounds.
Didn't talk to people for 30 fucking years until the police finally
arrested him. So he was basically like a fucking kid and just disappeared. Yeah, 27 years he
lived in the woods. For 27 years, he didn't speak to another person. He just lived in
the woods, snuck into campgrounds, stole shit, and went back to his camp. And so they arrest
this guy. He's got this spot, and they back to his camp. And so they arrest this guy.
He's got this spot, and they have all these pictures of it.
If you go to the Kennebec Journal, kjonline.com, Kennebec, K-E-N-N-B-E-C, N-N-E-B-E-C, K-E-N-N-E-B-E-C. It's a part of Maine where this guy was.
Kennebunkport, right?
That's where Bush had his compound out there.
His family, the older Bush.
But this guy, man, was just
living like a character in a movie.
By himself.
Not talking to any human beings.
And then in the middle of the night, stealing people's shit.
Pretty nuts, man.
Charles Bronson's death hunt.
Living in the fucking hut at night with a dog.
This is really amazing, man.
That's fucking crazy.
Especially in Maine.
Maine is un-fucking-bearably cold in the winter.
It's really, really cold.
New York is cold.
Boston's cold.
Maine is a motherfucker.
There's that feeling when you get out of your car.
It's a totally different kind of cold.
Did they show what the inside of his hut looked like?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got a video. There's a video up there
of this guy's place. He's got all things
hanging, you know, everything's hanging from a
wall. He even has a clock that he's
taped up to a tree. He stole someone's clock.
Like, stole all this shit
and just, like, pack ratted it into
this weird sort of tent that he has set up
in the middle of Maine.
It's fucking all kinds of people, man.
Did he have heat in there?
No, he lit fires and shit.
We're starting to see, because we can get a story like this online so easily
and read into it, that he never had anything like this 20 years.
He never got these stories.
They didn't show it on 2020 or on one of those.
He never really got this sort of an in-depth look at wackiness.
And we're getting it every day.
Every day there's some new dude who gets caught doing something really fucking weird.
And then you look at him and you go, who is this crazy fuck?
What's going on here?
And then you forget about him because tomorrow it's a dude who's got a pet hippo that he rides around until it eats him.
And then you go, what?
A fucking hippo ate him?
And then the next day it's some other story.
It just never ends, it never ends.
It never ends.
The guy walks into Home Depot yesterday
and tried to cut his arm off.
You hear that?
No.
Guy walked into Home Depot,
picks up a saw,
and starts hacking his fucking arm off.
Got down to the bone,
screaming,
fucking howling,
cutting his arm.
They got down to the bone
until they stopped him.
Wow.
What the fuck?
Really, Joe Diaz?
Stop and think about that for a moment.
A guy walks into Home Depot
and saws his own fucking arm off.
Can you imagine being in there
watching this shit live?
You go in there just to get a gallon of fucking paint?
Oh, my God.
And you got to put up with this fucking guy now doing this?
It's just...
You might be there in the wrong place at the wrong time when that guy
does that or does something
even nuttier that harms other people.
I would like to find out what
that guy was on.
I would love to know. Half of these guys
life. I guarantee life.
That's it. They lost their mortgage.
They lost their house. Their wife left.
Their kid is on drugs. The other
kid's a fucking moron. God knows. There's a lot of that. There's a lot of life going on. That's it, left. The kid is on drugs. The other kid's a fucking moron.
God knows.
There's a lot of that.
There's a lot of life going on.
That's it, man.
It's tough for people.
Right now, you know, you really think about what's going on.
They got missiles pointed at us, whatever the fuck.
Listen, if he launches them, I'm sure the United States will do what they can and we'll be fine.
It's just the thought that it's right there.
It's happening.
It's right fucking there.
We're about to be part of this.
Everything will change.
Everything. You know, what people
don't realize, who haven't
been over there, like you and I,
we don't realize what
the actual conditions are
in that country. And when you read about it,
it almost seems like fiction.
You know, when you read about the slave
camps and the people who were born about the slave camps and people were born
in the same camps and you know some of them escape and they tell these stories of like
how weakened they let people get and then they like literally like people are eating rats and
shit trying to stay alive in north korea yeah slave camps it's horrible horrible shit why is
there slave camp i don't know man that well they vice.com exposed that they have slave camps in
siberia the north koreans have a slave camp in siberia and the people in siberia they don't know, man. Well, Vice.com exposed that they have slave camps in Siberia.
The North Koreans have a slave camp in Siberia.
And the people in Siberia, they don't even know that they're not in North Korea.
They think they're in North Korea, but really they're in a slave camp in Siberia.
It's really fucking crazy.
And what I can't wrap my head around, I don't think, and I don't think either can you, is that these people are living like Stalinist Russia.
They're living like a real communist, dictatorial, sort of, you know, utopic view of the world.
You know, their idea of life is they have dear leader.
You know, when people didn't cry for dear leader, you know, when the guy died,
people who didn't cry got sentenced to six months in jail.
They sentenced some people to jail because they didn't cry got sentenced to six months in jail they sentenced some people to jail
because they didn't cry so people like if you ever see the video of people crying it is the most
ridiculous overproduced overacted nuttiness that you've ever seen in your life it's people just
terrified it's really sad to watch because these people are terrified and they're wandering around
crying just wailing it's so fake looking it looks so fake
but it's like they have to put on a show the the government is so it's they're they're so
controlled it's such a horrible dictatorship that the if you're not crying for the guy dying
they just throw you in a fucking cage fucking crazy yeah the balance of power for whatever reason people always want to
get to that sort of total dictatorial position like even the guy uh who there was the overthrowing
of the government in egypt the new people that came in were like yeah listen we don't think the
law should apply to us and we're gonna do and everybody was like what like there was like
riots in the street they're like this is what we just got rid of.
You're trying to do exactly what the government before you.
We see where you're going with this, you crazy fucks.
It's almost like it's instinctive. What is a slave camp?
What is the purpose of a slave camp?
They're making them work.
They're working.
They're making things, whatever it is.
North Korea has almost no money.
They're unbelievably broke.
If you fly over North Korea at night, their lights are out.
They shut their lights off at night.
Whereas you go over South Korea, it looks like any other part of the world where you see people's lights on. North Korea doesn't even have enough money to keep the lights on. It's a terrible – you can't run a country like that. They're not going to profit. They're not going to prosper.
things happen, not just like the people that are in charge and then they're slaves.
You can't run it like that.
You can't run it where the entire civilization is under your heel because a strong man is going to prosper.
A strong woman is going to prosper.
And anybody that knows they're under the heel of the government like that, they're never
going to prosper.
So the economy is never going to be vital.
It's never going to be like no one's going to be out there trying to make shit happen
and kick ass and take names and keep the economy energized.
They're fucking terrified.
They're terrified of these jackbooted thugs coming into their house and locking them in a cage because they weren't fake crying enough.
And it's 2013.
That's the nuttiest part about it.
So this is happening right now just like you and I are taking fucking southwest to San Jose and having a good time and fucking driving to Vegas and waving at people at the gas station.
These fucking people on another part of the world right now are living a horror movie.
It's fucking amazing.
Could you imagine, man, you're living in a horror movie?
I mean, you literally are living in Star Wars.
It might as well be Stormtroopers.
That might as well be Darth Vader.
You really are.
I mean, they have nuclear power.
Might as well be Darth Vader.
You really are.
I mean, they have nuclear power.
They have nuclear power and machine guns and tanks,
and they're all willing to walk in a straight line with their lifting the leg up at the same time,
which is scary for us.
When everybody moves mindlessly in a unit together,
left, right, left, right, that scares the shit out of us
because that means you're willing to do whatever the fuck they tell you.
Once they got you marching like that, left, right, left, right,
well, you can't just walk in carrying guns. impressive is that let me tell you something just walk in
carrying those guns and everyone's gonna shit their pants anyway but you're walking in with that
left right left right
what is that yeah what is that you're letting people know that you got these motherfuckers under control.
Completely under control.
And you're doing that while you're in this nightmare of a dictatorial society.
It's got to be horrific to live over there.
How fucking lucky are we?
Like shitty roll of the dice.
How lucky are we?
We're so lucky.
We're so lucky.
And we're pissed because I got to get on the 405.
We're so lucky. You know, you're pissed because i gotta go so lucky i'm so lucky
you know you're on the fucking 101 at five o'clock it pisses you the fuck off dude there's no traffic
like new york traffic how bad has it gotten it's bad horrendous it's very bad horrendous i can't
believe it i don't go over that's why i said to you the tunnels and bridges and getting into the
tunnels and bridges it can be inside insanity it can be like okay this is not
happening like how long does this take it's it's craziness the amount of humans and by the way no
one's driving okay everyone's taking cabs so if if most of the people in the city are taking cabs
it's the rare few that are clogging it up like this the amount of traffic does not even closely
represent the amount of actual humans, luckily.
Because the amount of humans is staggering, but most of them are not taking cars.
Let me explain something to you.
In 94, I was doing comedy, and I went back.
That was an open mic.
I lived in Sequawcus, New Jersey, and I dated a girl on 15th and 9th Avenue by Honda of Manhattan.
Joe Rogan, I'm telling you, I could get in my car at a quarter to eight and be in Manhattan
at ten after eight. You know me. I'll tell you how the fuck it is. car at a quarter to eight and be in Manhattan at ten after eight.
You know me.
I'll tell you how the fuck it is.
I'd pick her up.
My show would be at nine at the New York Comedy Club.
About three years ago, I went into New York City.
I had to pick my buddy up at the bus station.
I had never seen anything like that.
Wow.
I thought it was going to take me an hour tops.
Took me four fucking hours.
Yeah, I'm not shocked.
No, no, no, no.
I don't.
No, no, no, no, no. It's insane. Then there's nothing I want to do there anymore. Yeah. I'm not shocked. No, no, no. I don't know.
It's insane.
There's nothing I want to do there anymore.
Yeah.
I want to go get a hot dog.
I'll take the bus and the train over.
But I'm out of there.
Taking a car over, those days are done.
I was hanging out with Shane Smith from Vice.com.
He lives in New York and he has this view out of his window that it's like mountains. It doesn't even seem
real. His view is like
you're looking at
mountains. They're mechanical
mountains that people created. It's more beautiful
even than the mountains.
The New York City skyline is fucking staggering.
It's so impressive that it's
almost worth being there just to see it on a regular
basis because
it really is like a work
of art just like the mountains are you know the reason why people are willing to pay for paintings
and shit because it makes you feel good when you see something badass when you look at something
something beautiful like this sculpture that this gentleman sent me it's the buddha from my tattoo
that um i i love art i like looking at shit that someone made you know i'd like i like things that
are beautiful.
But the New York City skyline is one of the most beautiful things you could see.
When that thing's all lit up and the cars are moving, you're like, whoa.
I've never seen a painting that makes me do that.
I never see a painting.
I see a painting and I go, wow, that's cool.
I like that.
Oh, that's badass.
But I never see a painting that makes me sit down and open my jaw and go, whoa.
But the New York City skyline will make you go, whoa.
It will make you sit back.
If you look at it from one of those dudes who's got some crazy building with a giant window.
Like a lot of those people, they have those 180-degree views.
Like people with crazy cash and giant apartments.
Their view is the greatest view in the world.
Their view is amazing.
Seeing all that skyline, those lights,
and the cars moving.
I totally get it now.
I totally get why people would be addicted to living there.
That's the main thing.
Like I told you, live in New York,
just live like John Lennon. If you don't live in New York, you don't live like John Lennon.
If not, it's fucking tough.
That's a tough fucking place to live.
If you have to commute from Brooklyn
to Manhattan, it's fucking tough. That's a tough fucking place to live. And if you have to commute from Brooklyn to Manhattan, you know, it's fucking tough.
Well, John Lennon's a perfect example, though, of why what's crazy about him.
Some dude's just waiting outside where he knows you live.
Some wacky dude that wants to shoot you.
You know, I mean, that's...
In a secured building.
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
People know that you live in that secured building and you're John Lennon.
I mean, John Lennon was one of the most famous human beings on the planet Earth.
They didn't care if those guys lived in this building.
It's a nutty way to live.
Stacked on top of everybody,
but, God, so beautiful.
And we were there,
and there was a lightning storm broke out.
Fucking A, man.
To be on, like, the 40th floor of a hotel
and look out the window,
and you see lightning dance across the sky,
it's like, holy fuck.
This is like one of the coolest shows you could ever see.
It was amazing.
New York has stuff that really moves me.
You know what's terrorist dog?
Subway sandwiches.
That's a terrorist right there.
Fucking filthy.
They already got something up.
They already got that up.
They already got a meme up.
People were not friendly there, though, man.
That's the weird thing is the dealing with that constant stress.
That went away after 9-11.
After 9-11, people were super friendly there for a while.
We filmed Fear Factor there in, like, 2002, I think.
And maybe it might have been 2003.
But everybody was so friendly.
It was really interesting.
It was like when we went there, people were like,
you could noticeably see that there was like an extra effort
that people made to be nice to people.
I felt it.
It was like I felt it in the air.
And I remember thinking, hmm, how long will this last?
You know, like this is like this new change of the way people are behaving in New York.
I wonder how long it will last.
It lasted a long time.
It lasted quite a few years before I started feeling like it was back to normal again.
This last trip, it's back to normal.
It's slowly back, yeah.
Some people.
I mean, there's plenty of nice folks in New York, just like there's plenty of nice folks everywhere.
We met a lot of nice folks.
The funny thing is when I walk in New York, there's some stuff that just fucking moves me.
And it moves me because I remember coming off from Cuba and walking to Manhattan and being a little kid.
I remember walking down Broadway and seeing the first war poster to Her Majesty's Secret Service.
That's a James Bond movie with an in-between James Bond.
His name was George Lazenby.
He was in between Roger Moore, I guess.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, look it up. Diana Rigg. Ko He was in between Roger Moore, I guess. Really? Yeah, look it up. Diana
Rigg. Kojak was in the movie.
It's called Our Majesty's
Secret Service. Came out like
in 1969, maybe 68,
maybe 70.
How many James Bonds were there?
The new one's the best.
That guy's fucking badass. He's badass.
He's badass. He's the best.
But Roger Moore's good too. Roger Moore's good. But Roger Moore's good, too.
Roger Moore's good.
Live and let money.
But Roger Moore can't fuck with Sean Connery.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
All right, these are the men.
David Niven was the first one.
Oh, no, no, no.
Listen to this.
Chase, this is crazy.
Barry Nelson was the first one in 1954, even before Sean Connery.
So Sean Connery was 62 to 1971, and again he came back.
Don't call it a comeback in 83.
Took a 12-year hiatus and then came back with a new wig.
And then there's David Niven.
Who the fuck's David Niven?
They tried David Niven out in 67.
Right.
That shit didn't work.
And then they tried George Lazenby.
They tried that out in 69.
That's the movie, yeah.
And then there's another guy, Christopher Cazenove?
Cazenove?
Cazenove.
Yeah, it's C-A-Z-E-N-O-V-E.
And then Roger Moore from 73 to 85.
Which ones did Roger Moore do, Live and Let Die?
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
But do you remember Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan?
There was two duds in a row.
Two fucking total duds.
Timothy Dalton.
They're both like the same person.
It's probably Timothy Dalton was talking shit
and they looked at him. We got Pierce Brosnan on speed dial.
Let's fucking do this.
I thought Pierce Brosnan would probably be good, but no.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
I can't imagine those guys
kicking anybody's ass, ever.
I imagine them getting hit and just start crying.
But Daniel Craig, I could see that guy
kicking someone's ass.
I totally, 100% buy it.
I think he's the best one of all time.
He's a beast.
He seems like a killer.
When I'm watching him, he seems like the type of guy
who would be a problem, drinking, womanizing, trained killer.
Like it all came together in the most realistic version of it.
But I had a lot of people said it sucked, man.
It's funny.
This dude posted on this message board that I go to.
How fucking everybody told him it was the best Bond ever.
He's like, holy shit, was it a piece of garbage?
I was like, man, I didn't get that.
I thought it was great.
Give Roger Moore a shot again before you.
Get the fuck out of here.
I'm telling you, dog, live and let die.
Roger Moore.
I'm telling you, that was his smoothness.
That was his patois, Joe Rogan.
That was his patois.
He talked to you the whole time he had his finger up your ass.
That's the whole thing about those guys.
That's what it means to be fucking James Bond.
That's what it means?
That's right.
The swabbed Debonair finger up your ass?
Bro, he was a swab.
I'm telling you, I didn't think so either.
See, I grew up on The Saint.
When The Saint, you know, was popular when I moved here.
What was The Saint?
Roger Moore.
The Saint.
It was a TV show with a circle around his fucking head.
What?
He had the fuck out of it?
No, no, no, no, no.
That was the thing.
Watch Roger Moore.
Really?
Yeah.
His own TV show, yeah. He had a halo? Yeah, that was That was the thing. Watch Roger Moore. Really? Yeah. His own TV show.
Yeah.
He had a halo?
Yeah, that was the commercial for it.
A fucking halo.
That was the name of the show.
Oh, my God.
The Mentalist.
The Mentalist.
Yeah.
He was the saint.
Oh, that is so funny.
I never heard of this.
It was the same fucking show.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
The saint.
Yeah, tremendous.
What was better, that or that Danny Bonaduce show?
The best bet.
Listen, bro, I'm going to drop some shows on you.
That's going to bust your fucking head.
I'm going to tell you some good shows right now.
It takes a fucking thief.
We're robbing motherfucking Wagner.
How about the Wild, Wild West?
It's on now.
Oh, yeah.
At night.
I watch that from time to time.
That was great.
And my head blows up, bro.
That was a fucking tremendous piece.
I love the Wild West.
The Wild, Wild West.
What was that handsome bastard's name?
Yes.
What was that guy's name?
There was the curly-haired brunette dude.
And then Bruce, what's his name?
Knocked his battery off my shoulder.
Will Smith came back to play it, right?
He played it later in a-
Don't insult me.
Please, I'm not talking about this.
There's no black people in the Wild Wild West, all right?
It was two white dudes.
The guy's name, remember in the 70s, that commercial?
Knocked that battery off my shoulder, I dare you. Remember he was a tough dude and name, remember in the 70s, that commercial? Knock that battery off my shoulder, I dare you.
Remember he was a tough dude and shit, remember?
Yeah, that series was 65 to 69, Joey.
Which one?
The Wild West TV series.
Come on now.
65 to 69.
And the guy was Robert Conrad and his buddy, Ross Martin, who never got any credit, man.
Ross got the shaft.
Nobody gave Ross any credit, damn it.
That was a good show.
I didn't know it was only four years.
I used to love that show when I was a little kid.
Which one?
That show.
The Wild Wild West.
Yeah.
No, please.
I remember.
That was WOR.
The Wild Wild West.
It Takes a Thief.
Those are Channel 9 shows.
Then Channel 11 shows with the Honeymooners, The Yacht Couple, Sanford and Son,
The Twilight Zone.
So you had them all.
But my favorite, Benny Hill, was on WOR.
That was the beginning of my comedy career,
watching Benny Hill.
If you're not a Benny Hill fan, I can't talk to you.
If some way you don't look at me and go,
yeah, Benny Hill, Joey, you're a fucking animal.
You can't really come in.
And you watch it because you thought
a tit was going
to pop out.
Yeah.
Because once a week
somebody showed
their tit on television.
Did it actually
show a real tit?
Bro, they showed
something.
Like a nipple or at least
Oh, you would go crazy.
You would go crazy.
Everybody at school
knew the next day.
Everybody got together
and talked about it.
They showed their tit
last night.
I think you guys
hallucinated.
I don't think they
ever actually showed
their tit.
They never actually
did it.
But they got close.
They got real close. Pull it out and put a hand over the nipple. And you lost your when you were 11 you lose yourinated. I don't think they ever actually did it. They never actually did it. But they get close. They got real close.
They pull it out and put their hand over the nipple.
And you lost your mind.
When you're 11, you lose your mind.
Oh, yeah.
Your face gets red.
You get dizzy.
Yeah, you get sick.
Couldn't believe it's happening.
There's certain shows that were awesome for kids.
Awesome.
I guess that's how we're looking at things today.
We look at shows that are terrible and like, who the fuck is watching this?
But for a little kid,
the show would still
be pretty badass.
My biggest crush ever
was Walona
from Good Times.
In fact,
I still see that
fine black bitch
at auditions
and I tell her,
you sexy motherfucker.
She goes,
oh, thank you,
sugar.
She's about 80
and she's still
banging with a wig on.
Who was that?
The black chick
from Good Times.
What was her name?
Walona. Walona. It was upstairs. The chick. She's good time What was her name? Well no another one
That was upstairs
The chick
She's beautiful
She's still a fucking knockout
But then the other one died right?
Shirley
Shirley
Hempel
Was she from good times?
No she was from
The other one
The one with
Rerun
Which one was that?
That was the one with Rerun on it
And all those fucking people
You sure?
Yeah yeah yeah
Shirley Hempel was on
What's Happening? Kick Out happening right right right what what's happening kicking it was she on kicking as well
what is kicking it meatball king it's funny when you look back on shows some some shows
fucking hang in there man so like all in the family still hangs in there. You know what still hangs in there? Prince songs.
Prince songs are still fucking badass.
I was in a store, and I Want to Be Your Lover came on,
and I was like, wow.
This is like 1980, whatever the fuck it was,
81 or something like that.
And I was like, this song is still badass. We should go see Prince.
All of us should go eat some mushrooms and eat some.
I'll tell you what was on on the way up here.
You motherfuckers.
I was in the car. I didn't give a fuck about't eat the mushrooms. Eat them. He plays all the time. If I tell you what was on on the way up here, you motherfuckers. I was in the car.
I didn't give a fuck about traffic or the Joe Rogan experience.
You know what was bad?
The song, the one later on.
Oh, I have time.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Oh, yeah.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Yeah, that's a great song.
Sign of the times.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Sign of the times.
Time.
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
That's a great song, man.
Oh, that thing he was doing in Vegas where it was like you would pay 500,
200 people at the Pearl, I guess.
Yeah.
I'm not sure people don't attack me like that.
Yeah, he would do a really small venue for a lot of money.
500, but you have to call the songs.
Wow, that's awesome.
And you would say, you know, just to, I always, look, look,
Kid Rock to you might be some fucking redneck, okay,
and he probably is, and his uncle does math or whatever, but it doesn't really matter.
One thing about Kid Rock is he knows music.
Right.
You know, one thing about comedy is I may not be the funniest guy in the world,
but I love watching old comedy to see where I came from.
Jonathan, yeah, Jonathan Winters died.
We talked about that.
Well, I love, I'm a big fucking Lenny Bruce guy and, you know, Jackie Gleason.
I love to watch that stuff.
And when I talk to somebody, and when you talk to somebody, you might not like something
about them, but just the people they admire, you understand where they come from.
We were talking about this earlier.
Right.
When somebody insults you on Twitter, and you go to their page and go, I get it.
You know what I'm saying?
They're riding around with a wig on or some shit.
I understand now why they repeated this.
Well, it's the same thing with me with comics.
You know, like, that all combines.
I like to know what people, like you, we talk about Hicks.
Right.
The other day I was thinking about you because one of my influences also was Lenny Clark.
Believe it or not.
Oh, yeah, I believe it.
I'm telling you, I love Lenny Clark.
Did he become a major star or whatever?
Yeah, to me he was because he made me get off my fucking ass.
I liked what he was doing on stage.
You know, Lenny, the other guy from Boston I liked too.
There's a couple guys from Boston I really, really fucking liked
that they might not be stars to you, but they're stars to me.
I thought so, you know.
Yeah, there was a, you know, we came from an era.
There was a lot of great comics from, like, the 80s and 90s.
Like, we were talking about Herrera, who don't get recognized today.
There was some guys.
There was some goddamn killers.
Teddy Bergeron.
Teddy Bergeron is one that doesn't get nearly enough credit.
Teddy Bergeron, yeah.
Because, you know, he tripped over his own addictions in his life.
But that guy, at times, was, like, one of the best comics I've ever seen.
I'm going to tell you something, dog.
I listened to an old Hedberg album the other day.
And I had to stop and check myself when I realized how bad I really was as a fucking comic.
I would listen to him in the car the other day on the Comedy Channel in Nashville.
Yeah.
Fucking what a great town.
Just driving through.
I got a great hamburger the other night at this place.
Jimmy Kelly's.
Are you thinking about moving there?
I don't know.
The humidity got me.
It's hot.
Yeah.
It gets hot.
That's it, guys.
That's it, guys.
That's the one.
In Nashville itself, it's safe, but when I was there, I was talking about how you drive
50 miles in any direction, and you're in a zombie movie.
Really, it's what it's like.
You're driving through the dark areas of Tennessee.
You can get through some weird spots.
You motherfuckers don't know dark. I know what you're athletic you mean athletic that's my uh whatever it says but i went to a spot where my in-laws are from
milan and all that where mike is from he's from trenton and all that shit right you motherfuckers
don't know nothing you don't know what night time is. Yeah. You have no idea,
gentlemen.
I went outside the
door and I saw the
wolves.
They just threw wolves
everywhere to get the
deer population down.
But they're killing
something else now.
And every night, my
in-laws got the dog
outside in the fucking
balcony.
I'm like, what the
fuck?
And there's wolves out
There's wolves out there.
Not wolves.
The other ones.
Coyotes?
Coyotes out there.
They brought them in
to keep the deer
population down.
The deer population
down.
Isn't that amazing? Isn't that fucking amazing so let's bring in some monsters to eat
the food this is what i'm saying so now that you know they're killing something else now
oh they were killing the rabbits oh god they were killing the fucking rabbits so
but one night you could hear him out there i'm 50 yards from they introduced them that's so crazy
fucking crazy fucking crazy So that was wild.
I like that style of living, but man, let me tell you something. That style of living.
Listen to the.
Let me tell you something, my friend.
To know that, like, I wanted a cup of coffee one night.
I didn't want to bother nobody.
Because this time, I usually stay at a hotel, but it's too far.
Right.
It's too fucking far from the house.
I mean, they're out there joe right
out there right house is beautiful land is paid for gorgeous but they're out there right like one
that i was like terry i'm thinking this place he goes you know if you go get a cup of coffee
it's 40 fucking minutes whoa each way like 30 or something 30 minutes but you don't know where
you're going so it's going to be
45 here's my question what's more healthy that or new york because i don't know because sometimes
sometimes i think new york is more healthy but in being there just for over a couple of days
and comparing the pace of certain places i've been to like boulder and then comparing it to
new york and dealing with the people.
I can't say it's like New York people are shitty people.
It's not it.
The percentage of the people that I ran into was very, very small, that were not nice.
But those you might not ever run into in Boulder.
You know what I'm saying?
It's that the possibility of rudeness was there in a way that isn't in other spots.
So I got to think about, well, why are people like that?
What is it? What is it that causes people to be rude?
Is it just there's too many of us?
What is it?
I think that's part of it.
I really do.
I think there's a certain number of people when you get stuck in a certain amount of traffic and a certain amount of lines, a certain amount of waiting, a certain amount of frustration, it's not worth it. Everybody in this fucking room right now, at one time or another, their voice has gotten
loud with somebody at some point.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
That's the answer to why people are rude.
The problem with us is we caught it.
In New York, there's just so much.
I still have it.
I still have it at times.
I have it.
I grew up in that mentality. It's in me. It's who the fuck I am. I get it. I still have it at times. I have it. I grew up in that mentality.
It's in me.
It's who the fuck I am.
I get it.
Right.
But I don't get it all the time.
I don't get somebody being mean to you
on the fucking belt.
Right.
There's a difference between rude.
In fact, there's some rudeness that you appreciate.
You're like, thank fucking God
we got more people like that around
to make this lady push a little bit.
Right, a little bit, yeah.
But there's another type, that rudeness I can't live with at this point in my life.
And when I was younger, I would confront it.
I would confront it.
Now I don't confront it anymore.
But then on the other hand, you got around New York, people are more street smart.
They just are.
There's people that are hipper.
They just seem to be more on top of things.
They're less obsessed with Hollywood.
I think that's a really bad thing about the area we live in.
No, that's the worst.
That's what I repeat over and over and over again,
that in this area particularly,
listen, this is very funny because I didn't think about this
until I was on stage.
I dare you, Brian.
I dare you to get a fucking parking ticket and be 45 minutes late to court.
I dare any of you motherfuckers to be late to court.
And, Steve, you don't get a bench warrant issued,
and when you get there you have to redo all the paperwork.
Wow.
Why is Lindsay Lohan always an hour late for court?
And it's cute.
You know, Michael Jackson showed up with pajamas an hour late for court.
Pajamas!
And they try to be strict, like, Michael, you know you're 46 minutes late for court.
Come with this fucking fat Cuban to court late one time and see what happens after that fucking half hour.
There's strategies to it.
Let's pretend you got a parking ticket, a speeding ticket.
And you know the cop, a lot of
times this is the best strategy that my attorney in Jersey would do. He would always tell the cop,
yeah, show up. And then he would call and go, Rogan's running late. But he would tell the court
clerk, so it would never get to the judge. So the judge would issue a bench warrant for you,
and we wait for the cop to leave the building. Then we sneak you in around the back, and we just
say you got caught in traffic. They redo your bench warrant. There's nobody to testify.
You're in the speeding ticket. And they drop
the charge on the ticket. That's old school.
That's Uncle Joey dropping knowledge on a motherfucker
right there. But
there's other situations where you don't want to be
late for court. Especially if you're going for
rehab or Michael Jackson or molesting
fucking kids. That's why
that tells you right there. I've been to
courts before.
I day, even Boulder,
the nicest people in the world,
get to court 10 minutes late.
They don't even let you in the fucking door.
Once they close that door
in Boulder,
sorry, go to the third floor.
That means they handcuff you
and go through
the whole fucking thing
all over again.
It's like the idea
that you can come to a place
and this is the place to go
if you want to get famous.
This is the place. And if you want to get famous this is the place
and the whole like entertainment industry sort of this is like the main hub of it you're gonna get
a lot of cool people too look at all the cool people that we know that all live here look at
how many cool friends we have that all live here you get a lot of goddamn cool people too you get
people that have gotten through the whole thing and sort of figured it out and relaxed
and settled in and then
you know, became
understood how to work
within the parameters of the business without getting
caught up in it and becoming
one of those weird lost
Hollywood type people. This is my beef
and I think it's your beef also
too and Red Band
doesn't look at it this way and I've always thought about it because I'm 50
but
I go for auditions
which you don't and I see a little bit
more of this bullshit
and I once saw girls
maybe six years old
that were adorable
I walked into a room this big that was packed
but these two little girls that were six
decided they were going to take 20 of their headshots
and put them all over the floor.
Okay?
And I heard the one girl say something to the other girls.
You got to move this.
And the one little girl said,
my daddy's a director or something like that.
Okay, so this is my problem, guys.
Me, I'm a piece of shit.
I'll live anywhere.
Do you really want to raise a child here?
You know, I don't want...
This is...
Bro, the values of life here are judged differently
than what they are in Chicago or Boston.
And you might look down on that.
Some people might look down on that, but I don't.
I never don't.
I don't.
Well, I think for us, there's, like...
First of all, this is the only place where there's like such a conglomeration of those people.
So it's like if you live your whole life and you never come in contact with them, this is – it can be kind of shocking when you're around like a bunch of actors or a bunch of Hollywood types.
But one of the real problems is there's not any other business that's looked at like that prominently here.
It's so overwhelming.
There's so many people that are involved in it that kids like automatically sort of gravitate towards it.
They're like everybody wants to be famous.
They gravitate towards it.
Whereas in Denver, who the fuck is going to be famous?
You want to be famous?
That's a real goddamn pipe dream if you live in Boston.
It's a real goddamn pipe dream.
But if you live in Hollywood, it seems like it's attainable.
Oh, my God. We saw this guy at the mall.
And then we were there, we saw this.
And then we went to an audition, and we saw Ben Affleck.
You know, it just becomes more of a focal point.
And there's not enough other shit here.
Let me ask you something.
Have you ever seen any paparazzi pictures of Joe Rogan?
Yeah.
Hey, dude.
Never.
I'll tell you later.
Oh, really?
No, no, no.
I'm just saying why. Because Joe doesn't want paparazzi pictures. Well, suddenly then I don I'll tell you later. Oh, really? No, no, no. I'm just saying why.
Because Joe doesn't want paparazzi pictures.
Well, suddenly then I don't do all that shit.
No, I understand.
I don't like to go to parties.
No, no, no.
I'm just saying, even anywhere.
Listen, if you go to the Laurel Canyon Farmer's Market with your family now on Sunday, there's paparazzis there at 10, 15.
Yeah.
Okay?
I'm telling you right now because I've seen them.
I encountered a bunch in New York.
I'm not saying nothing bad about paparazzi or anything.
I'm just making a point.
If you want people taking pictures of you, people take motherfucking pictures of you.
If you don't want to, you don't want to.
People will not bother you.
People don't bother you.
People don't bother Adam Carolla.
The people that are in the limelight want to be in the limelight.
Well, there's a lot of folks that do things on purpose for sure.
I just read something the other night that was –
I was talking to my friend the other day who's a paparazzi, and he's like, you want to go to the LAX tonight?
I'm like, why?
He goes, well, here.
I got Lindsay Lohan's boarding pass.
She's flying in at 5.30 a.m.
I'm like, what the fuck?
How do you have this?
I watched something the other day or read it.
I read it online about Jamie Presley.
Did you guys read that story?
What?
About her getting into a beef in Hollywood because the chick stole.
This is hysterical.
So her assistant, somebody stole her assistant's purse, right?
You heard about this, J. Rose.
No, no, no.
So she went to Hollywood to get the assistant's purse back,
but they had something in the purse that lets you know that the purse.
Like a GPS or something?
Like a GPS.
The phone was in the purse.
And they figured out it pointed to this bar where they were having this celebrity stud out.
So Jamie Presley showed up and yelled at the girl.
But then it turned out that in that purse were drugs.
Oh, no.
So the cops showed up.
And then nobody knew whose purse it was.
Once they got there, like, no, no, that ain't my purse.
You guys were just, they got into a fight over the fucking purse.
But once the cops got there and they opened the purse, it was like blow and steroids in there or some shit.
No way.
And everybody was like, that ain't our fucking purse no more.
That ain't our fuck.
We don't even know what happened.
It's always a pleasure, my friend.
Joey, do you remember this?
You on Mad TV
On the Sopranos
Why must you torment me
Every time I come on this fucking show
All I wanna do
I said so funny
You just put that up
I saw James Gandolfini
Walking around in New York
How big is he?
He's a big guy
Big guy
I saw him in that movie
Killing him softly
It's actually a pretty fucking good movie man
Isn't it a good movie?
It's a pretty fucking good movie
I knew anything Brad Pitt puts out is solid.
They killed that fucking movie.
I don't know why they killed it.
I enjoyed that movie.
It was a good movie.
It was one of those under the radar.
Brad Pitt's a bad motherfucker.
No, how good was Gandolfini?
Gandolfini's a killer.
Let me tell you something.
He's a killer.
I don't know if you know what happens in this country
every day at 5 o'clock now.
What happens?
Every day at 5 o'clock,
they started the Sopranos from scratch against HBO
they brought them back
because it was just
too overwhelming
HBO took them back
from A&E
and they said
it's over
we're gonna play them
every day
and they were doing
season 1
watching them on A&E
was torturous
torturous
cutting out all the swears
and all the bad shit
let me tell you something
the other day
I watched the episode
the third episode
of the season
when they take the power back
when Jackie April dies they go to hospital the third episode of the season, when they take the power back, when Jackie April dies.
Right.
That is one of the best written shows of all.
And Gandolfini was very, I forgot how good he really was.
Everybody else was subpar.
He was, he's amazing.
He's fucking amazing.
He plays a total psycho and is killing them softly,
and it's so fucking believable.
It's so believable.
Oh, it's great. Have you seen the preview before the guy that did district 9 his next movie with matt damon in it um no who was that god it looks fucking amazing uh remember the name was it
yeah but it takes place like 100 years in the future and the trailer is so badass it looks amazing well um i was in new york this past
weekend for the um the upfronts for sci-fi for this new show that i'm doing that i can now talk
about that i don't get in trouble called joe rogan questions everything um but they got this new show
called defiance that's coming out it's a combination video game and science fiction show
dude it looks insane it's this it's a huge huge huge project
that the sci-fi channel is uh undertaking and the side is a sci-fi channel where battlestar
galactica came from i think so was that that did they do battlestar galactica i'm pretty sure
battlestar galactica was one of my favorite fucking shows ever that that remake of battlestar
galactica it took till season two for brian Callen to convince me that I should check it out. It was fucking
tremendous.
2154. What is it?
This is that new movie. It's called
Elysium.
And it has Matt Damon
in it. And just look at that though.
Look at that right there. That's fucking beautiful.
Yeah, it was sci-fi that did
Battlestar galactica
like it's supposed to be at 2154 i think like really long in the future and it's like
matt damon's all buffing it and shit but if it's just like district nine oh my god this looks sick
i know when is this coming out uh
august 9th Wow wow this looks incredible
he upgrades his body you know oh my god yeah everyone we're gonna break into the
most heavily guarded place in the universe.
His body is like...
That shit's drilled into his body? Yeah, he upgraded his body.
Holy fuck. You know that's coming. Yeah.
Whoa.
This is like some Mad Max type shit. Yeah, totally.
Dude, when does this come out?
August 9th.
Oh, this looks awful, Jodie Foster.
It's very District 9-y looking, too.
Except no aliens.
That we know of.
That we know of?
You mean there might be aliens?
There might be aliens in it.
Why do you say that?
You're just making shit up.
I'm going to be looking for aliens now.
I'm going to like hoping there's an
alien looks badass oh yeah that looks pretty dope but I prefer aliens you know
if you're gonna be all in the future and shit I want to see something that's not
real I want to see starship troopers I want to giant bug people I want to see
like the movie alien like the Sigourney Weaver Alien. That's the shit, folks. That's the shit. That's my movie.
That's the shit, folks.
Before we go, can I just pump Sacramento?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sacramento next month, 5-3, 5-4, May 3rd and 4th.
We're going to be in Sacramento with Tony Hinchcliffe and Sam Tripoli.
And then San Francisco Sunday, May 5th.
We're doing one show there.
Tickets are on sale right now.
And then tonight, me and Joey Diaz are at Ice House with a couple other guys.
And Joey will also be at Flappers on Tuesday for Tom Segura's benefit for his dog.
And Brian and Ari is going to be there as well.
And I'll be there.
Have you heard the lineup?
It's sick.
Yeah, it's a crazy lineup.
It's like us and then Burt Kreischer is going to be there.
It's amazing.
And then it's ridiculous.
And it's all for the aid of Tommy's dog.
He got a dog that got really, really sick.
So they're putting the dog to hospital care and all this stuff, and it costs a lot of money.
So we're taking care of our buddy, Tommy.
Please come and support.
It's Tuesday at Flappers.
Yes.
Thanks, everybody.
Thanks for all the powerful love out there from the internet.
That's why there's a beautiful situation.
We appreciate the shit out of you guys.
April 19th, I'm in Miami.
You're in San Jose, but you sold out already.
So help me out April 19th.
Jackie Gleason Theater.
You're at the Fillmore?
Yeah, the Fillmore.
Two shows, 8 and 10 o'clock.
Go to the South Beach Comedy Festival.
Bill Burr's there Thursday.
Tracy Morgan's there.
Silverman's there.
It's a nice little fucking lineup.
I'm only there.
I'll be back here 420 smoking dope somewhere.
But make sure if you're West Palm Jews, come on down.
Fuck Fort Lauderdale Jews, come on down, cocksuckers.
I did that gig a couple of years ago with Tom.
Me and Tom Segura did it.
It is fucking fun.
The Miami Comedy Festival is really fun.
I need to start doing it every year.
I couldn't do it this year, though.
I had something booked already.
You know what was really dynamite? West Palm Beach this year. West Palm Beach is badass. I was to start doing it every year. I couldn't do it this year, though. I had something booked already. You know what was really dynamite?
West Palm Beach this year.
West Palm Beach is badass.
I was very impressed this year, guys.
We had a great time.
Four shows.
Bing, bang, boom.
Sold out.
2,400 people in and out of there.
Good sets.
Good energy.
Keep doing that one.
Yeah.
Oh, we're in.
We're in.
That's a good one.
You know what else, too?
It's like what's happening now is all these clubs that we go to, we're bringing our crowd.
So you're getting all these really fun, people no matter where we go we're getting them
everywhere nashville was fucking outstanding outstanding indianapolis was outstanding that
squad nashville i want to give all these debt squad charters are fucking yeah all you lifting
you bad crazy motherfuckers just please keep. On our behalf, don't let any government agents infiltrate and start to fuck up the group a la the Juggalos.
They already are.
There's already a government.
They're trying to find out where the weed is.
Once weed will become legal, they'll have nothing to talk about us for.
We're not really looking to overthrow anything.
Just relax, government agents.
And I'm in Austin, too, next month.
Having a good time.
I can't wait to go eat some good food.
Beautiful.
I love Austin.
I'm headed to a seminar in Austin for the TV show.
I got to go talk to some doctors about some wacky disease.
When you come back, you're beautiful, baby.
You're beautiful, baby, too.
Then we got New Brunswick, bitches.
New Brunswick.
Jail Sonnen.
It's basically sold out.
Now, who else is on that card?
I don't think there's any tickets available for our show.
Can you please tell me who's on that card, please?
I do not have it in front of me, but I'll pull it up and take us a second. What's up else is on that card? I don't think there's any tickets available for our show. Can you please tell me who's on that card, please? I do not have
it in front of me, but I'll pull it up and take us
a second. What's up, B Redman? While I'm taking
a second, let's thank our sponsors.
I'd like to thank Stamps.com,
you bad motherfuckers.
Again, if you have ever ordered
any of those DeathSquad.tv
t-shirts from Brian Redman,
all of those came from
the software that Brian uses from
stamps.com. It is an excellent service.
You don't have to go to the post office ever
again. You can sit at home.
You use their software. You
measure it. They give you, if you use
the code word JRE, there's a microphone.
If you click it in the upper right-hand corner
and enter the code name JRE, that's Joe
Rabbit Experience, ladies and gentlemen. You get a
free digital scale and it's, what is it, $110 offer?
Yes.
$110 bonus offer, $55, up to $55 free postage and digital scale.
It's a dope service.
If you have a small business, it is really, like, the best way to go.
I mean, don't torture yourself.
Use it.
Post office works awesome.
Stamps.com. Get it. get it holla jre use the code
thanks to on it.com that's o-n-n-i-t use the code name rogan save yourself 10 off any and all
supplements uh thanks also to ting if you go to rogan.ting.com and enter in. You don't have to do shit.
Just go to rogan.ting.com.
Enter in your information and get $25 credit towards either a phone or a device.
That is it for this week because I've been doing that TV show thing.
I've been busy.
So we won't be back until Monday.
But on Monday, we're starting back again with Steve Rinella and Brian Callen
and Tuesday, Greg
Fitzsimmons.
And most likely,
we'll do one more podcast
next week as well. And to answer
Joey Diaz, I'm going to
the UFC and I'm looking for
the schedule, upcoming
events. Let's see what we got here. What we got,
baby? Let's see. Red Band tonight.
Tickets still available. Tickets at
icehousecomedy.com. And don't forget Miami
next Friday. Get your shit together. Don't bring no
blow. Just reefer,
rolling papers, edibles, bazookas,
Cuban sandwiches, croquetas,
shit like that. Yeah, let's see what
the fight card is here. Don't fuck around.
This is, uh, we're
looking at the Jones vs. Sundin fight card is here. I'll fuck around. This is, we're looking at the Jones versus Sundin
fight card.
God damn,
my internet sucks.
Any day now,
ladies and gentlemen,
it'll be fixed.
Alan Belcher versus
Michael Bisping.
That's a great
fucking fight.
Oh, shit.
That's a great fucking fight.
How about this?
You ready for this?
Roy Big Country Nelson
versus Czech Congo.
Strap the fuck in, son.
That could get crazy. Big Country and Czech Congo. Strap the fuck in, son. That could get crazy.
Big country and Czech Congo?
God damn, that's going to be a great fight.
Vinny Magalese and Phil Davis, I fucking love it.
I love that fight. Vinny Magalese has been
asking for that fight, too.
Vinny Magalese, when he left the Ultimate Fighter
and went over to M1 Global
and kicked ass and became their champion
and just really developed some striking to go along with his jiu-jitsu,
which is some of the best in the fucking world.
And Phil Davis is a beast, man.
He's a wicked wrestler.
Comes from Alliance, a great camp.
That's a great fucking fight.
Jim Miller versus Ryan Healy.
That's a great fucking fight.
God damn, son.
There's great fights on the undercard, too.
That guy, what what else we get here
oh oven saint prue yeah he's he's finally fighting he's on the fx fight he's the dude
he was a beast he was doing really well over in strike force and finally uh he's in the ufc as
well there's uh one two three four five, 9, 10, 11 fights that card.
So it's excellent. And there's a
girl fight too.
Yeah, powerful. Sarah McMahon
and Sheila Gaff. This is going to be
wild, man. Having all these chick fights
inside the Octagon, it's going to be very
interesting. Misha Tate is fighting soon
too. And when Misha Tate fights,
that's going to be really fucking interesting.
Because she's the one who's going to fight
Ronda Rousey. They're going to compete against
each other on The Ultimate Fighter.
I like Misha Tate. I'm a fan of her.
She's awesome. She's a very
cool person.
As is her boyfriend, Brian Carraway. He's cool as fuck too.
Alright, that's it for this week.
Did we say thank you to Stamps.com?
Yes. Thank you. Thank you to everybody.
That's it. Thank you to everybody. Thank you, Ting. Ting, Ting? Yes. Thank you. Thank you to everybody. That's it. Thank you to everybody.
Thank you, Ting.
Ting, Ting on it.
Thank you, all you people.
Fucking Jeeper Chews.
All you people.
Sprint.
I love all you motherfuckers.
All you savages on Twitter.
Undyne.
Adidas.
All you people out there making it in the free world.
Fruit of the Loom.
Keep on rocking.
Don't worry about Confederate flags.
Be a Leonard Skinner fan.
Don't be scared.
Don't be scared, LL Cool J.
Keep it together, you fucking freaks.
We love the shit out of you. We appreciate you very much. Joey?
I love you guys from the bottom of my heart. Stay black.
Brian Redman?
Have a great weekend.
I love both of you. See you in Miami, bitches.
We love all you freaks. We'll see you soon. Thank you.