The Joe Rogan Experience - #350 - Tony Hinchcliffe

Episode Date: April 22, 2013

Tony Hinchcliffe is an American stand-up comedian. Tony also is a writer on the tv show The Burn with Jeff Ross.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. Powerful Tony Hinchcliffe. That's me. That's the song. That's the powerful Tony Hinchcliffe song. I sing it like that.

I sing like a woman. And then you go, that's me, like a little kid. That's me. Hey, everybody. Somebody needs to put that on a loop when you have your own podcast. When are you guys going to do a podcast together? Once you guys. We already are in the works.

It starts in about. Oh, looky, looky. Two weeks, I think we said. It's in pre-production. Yep. Niceness. Niceness. Antonio's going to be with me this Wednesday night at the Ice House.

You want to do the Ice House Wednesday night? Sure. 10 o'clock? Okay. Ron's going to be there too. As well as Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer. Oh, shit, bitches. That's right.

You heard. Sweet. That's right. Tony is an up and coming young stand up. I love, one of my favorite things in life, for real, this really is absolutely true, is when I don't know about someone and then i find out that they're funny like when i found out about you from brian brian told me about you and as a comedian like one of the things that every comedian always loves is seeing a new comedian

like some someone who knew who's funny like there's another one like oh there's another one you know and different styles and different takes. But when they're funny, it gives you a lot of hope. And I was in L.A. the entire time. You started comedy and then started getting a name for yourself and then eventually got to the point where you're regularly doing podcasts and comedy clubs. So that's

that's a really cool thing to say yeah it's really so much fun pretty incredible so few people pull it off you know i i love watching somebody who comes through like some new person who's funny it's you know like because we're all fans thing and like you said everybody's a little bit different and everybody has their you know their take on things but when you said, everybody's a little bit different and everybody has their take on things. But when you find one, there's nothing cooler. It's sort of like when you love comedy, it's like watching a baby being born, just like that. Wow. Yeah. This person's hilarious.

And when you run into someone and you realize that they started out sucky and you probably saw them in like those during those first couple of months like and then within a couple of years they become competent and then boom they become really good and they're like like ari is my favorite example oh yeah i i was there when ari first got on stage like one of his first sets one of his earliest sets and you know we've watched him become like a real killer like ari shafir is like a real killer he did uh tom segura's party the other day tom segura had a um a benefit rather for his doggie he's got a sick doggie if you uh if you love dogs you love tom segura i don't know how you would donate i think they have like a paypal thing or something don't they just go to

your mom's house podcast.com your mom's house.com. Tom Segura is just one of the coolest guys ever. And he had this show, and Ari went up and fucking destroyed, destroyed, with a bunch of shit that I hadn't heard before, too. There was a couple bits that were really funny that were new. He writes like a machine now. Yeah, it's awesome. He's just coming up with so much content. Yeah, and I think he also realizes at this time awesome he's he's just coming up with so much content yeah and i think

he also realizes at this time that he's like you know he's like in he's like a real comic now now it's just a matter of doing the work and he's a smart dude you know he knows how to he knows how to put it down he knows what needs to be done and he can go get it done it's just as a as a fan of comedy it's so cool and someone pops up. There's another one. I got really lucky with Ari because he was the first person to ask me to do a gig with him, him and Sam Tripoli. So it was those two guys all of a sudden all at once. I went to La Jolla with Sam first and then did a gig in Irvine with Ari. What year was this?

This was about 2008. Wow, that's so recently dude that's awesome five years you don't think of it as being recently but you know there was like a year or so that i was doing it before you even get a road gig like that you're just building it i was you know just riding my bicycle from open mic to open mic how many guys that started out with you you know we all have like kind of like uh groups of people that we sort of start off around a similar time and then you watch each other either fall off or give up or or some people get through the net how many people that with your class do you think got through um with my true class i'd probably say

about a good it's a tough one because we're still pooling. You know what I mean? You still don't know who can make like a bit, throw a right hook right at the end before they drop out and have a new 15 minutes that crushes and it's a breakthrough. But I'd probably guess about seven or 10 right around there. That's a good number. Still doing it. I mean, you know, I'm counting my original starting class as like a good, you know, 60, 70, 80, 90 people. Because I know the, I mean, I stayed in Hollywood and built in Hollywood, like Los Angeles. Whereas I feel like a lot of people start somewhere and then come to LA. I'm like, you know what, I'm going to, I wanted to just have like an NBA style perspective.

Like Chappelle once said, he was doing a spot on stage one night in the OR, really late, crushing, making it look like, I mean, it was just unbelievable. And three or four hours in, he goes to the back of the room, he goes, hey, how many of you guys are LA Comics? And a lot of people clap, and he goes, but how many of you work here at the Comedy Store and started here at the Comedy Store?

There was just two or three of us that clapped. And he goes, you guys are insane. Cause he's performing to a lot of comedians. Right. So the thing with him coming back a few years ago was like the, the, you know,

the audience that got to be there was there, but the back of the room filled up to the gills. Right. And, uh, he said that it's like learning how to dribble in the NBA, starting comedy at the comedy store. And it's so true.

But if you think about that, start learning how to dribble in the NBA and you're just used to the motion of a thousand miles an hour, then it works out. I think it's like anything else. It's a more difficult but also more rewarding pursuit. You can take an easy route through life or you can – I mean it's not as hard as being a Navy SEAL. Let's be honest. Even though doing comedy is hard and a lot of people don't ever figure it out, it's not nearly as hard as doing something you hate and being stuck working 40 hours a week at this job for the rest of your life until your heart stops beating because you have no passion right and i mean it was a real struggle for a few years i really threw myself to the wolves i didn't have sure i didn't have money saved up i was just i was just doing it and then i got the job working at the comedy store a couple months in like as a door guy so i started

getting spots a lot there which is what i wanted you know what the problem the story like yours is that it worked so there's a lot of the dudes out there that I'm willing to try that same thing but they're not fucking funny at all you know what's tough is I is I noticed that a lot a lot of people come up to me and say I'm thinking about starting stand-up Tony you know what do you what do you think and sometimes they don't they just sometimes I wonder out of all the times I get asked this from somebody that wants to start stand-up. It's like you have to really have a crazy mind ingrained in you.

It's not something you start and learn. Like I was in trouble every class in school, not once a day at school. Like every class, every teacher hated me. I never touched – I was never like spill milk on somebody i never did anything physical but verbally i was just it's the it's what i did it was pretty crazy and i mean you know like so you just always talked a lot of shit totally to the extreme all the time and that's that's like kid energy you know what i'm talking about that's not even now like now i'm like all even though i'm still young it's like i'm not half of the quick

wit that i used to be before i realized now was it now i overthink it was a defense thing you learned it from your parents like i learned from you dad it's really an interesting situation because the way i raised i was raised was so weird that i know it has something to do with that because i have these four older brothers and sisters that are much older than me so it's like i i mean it's 12 years between me and my closest sibling and they're all much older oh wow yeah so you're probably exposed to like they probably gave you a hard time they probably fucked with you um they were actually all super cool. They were actually super cool.

That's how I, sometimes I wonder how it didn't end up like that. I mean, there were times, you know, there was the old, you know, you were adopted.

Why do you think you're? Well, you know what? When they're 12 years apart, I don't think you're actually going to get that because they're going to be sweet to you. They're going to be like happy for their little brother and sister. It's when you're two years apart,

you know? Yeah. I've, I've known a lot of brothers that beat the fuck out of each other. Yeah. I've seen it happen. Luckily with the age gap, like they were in college when I was, you know, in kindergarten and stuff. What was interesting about that is I definitely think it played a role because I was hanging out with 20-year-olds when I was a little kid. And they probably thought it was really funny when you talked shit too.

Totally. That was the whole thing. And they probably thought it was really funny when you talked shit, too. Totally. That was the whole thing. That's what I would do. I would talk shit, and I would put on terrible magic shows in which the whole ongoing joke was that you can clearly see. You know, I hadn't seen comedian magicians yet. I was just trying to do magic, but I was bad at it. But I could just play it like that.

Well, it started. I had to get good at doing it on purpose because it was happening accidentally and I would just try to follow through with it. So you started off trying to be good. Yeah. Right. But then I just got good at being bad at magic.

Yeah. It's a funny thing when you see someone who grew up like in a weird spot, like that's, I think all of us, like every comic I know, grew up in some like in a weird spot like that's i think all of us like every comic i know grew up in some sort of a weird situation where some basic need wasn't fulfilled so that it creates like this weird personality totally i i even though i love comics when that when it doesn't create that weird personality it just creates fucked up people you know like if you don't put

it to use like creating something that weird energy that comes out of a weird life if you that shit will haunt you like that can that can wreck your life if you're one of those really uh creative people or more impulsive people and doesn't do anything about it don't doesn't focus it on something yeah and it's and that's an interesting point because with me i didn didn't have any creative outlet until like after high school because the theater woman always wanted me to join theater. Yeah. me, I had nothing. So then I spent a few years like, what am I? Cause you don't know that if you're just a kid that loves making people laugh, that you can be a standup comedian. Like when you're in Ohio, there's no, you know, people in LA are really lucky or in

New York or around those areas because there's comedy there. At least you can stumble across a comedy club and go, Hey, I wonder what's's comedy there. At least you can stumble across a comedy club and go, hey, I wonder what's going on there. I might go in there tonight, just one time. First time I was ever at a comedy club was at the comedy store, and I had signed up for the open mic and gotten on. So it was very grandiose.

I mean, you know, it was like my heart was beating out of my chest. I knew that it was something I was going to be doing forever no matter what happened. You knew it? You knew that it was something? Wow. I definitely doing forever no matter what happened. You knew it? You knew that it was something? Wow. I definitely didn't know it the first time I went on stage.

I was scared shitless too, though. Way more scared than I thought I was going to be. Oh, I never – it was unbelievable. It was so creepy because what ended up happening was I blanked out and forgot everything. That was the one time that I was, I had a couple months to prepare for three minutes. Did you bring notes on stage with you? No, I've never liked, I've never liked having notes on stage with me. That was a big thing, man. Getting rid of your notes. That was a big thing back in the day.

You're going on stage with notes still. Yeah. Cause in the beginning, I definitely went on stage with notes when I first started doing it, but I saw like really good guys go on stage with notes still yeah because in the beginning i definitely went on stage with notes when i first started doing it but i saw like really good guys go on stage with notes when they were working on new shit yeah it became like part of the act that would try they let you know they were trying stuff out by looking down at the paper and stuff but you tried to do the first one free ball yeah it went really bad and i in a uh I somehow was just digging myself out by calling out how terrible it was. I was basically saying, wow, I just blanked out. And I've been getting ready for this for so long. And so I just ended up doing what actually ended up sort of becoming my style, which is like calling out whatever's happening in the room.

Except I was just joking about me bombing. You kind of have to call out what's happening in the room except i was just joking about me bombing you kind of have to call out what's happening in the room right oh yeah and that's uh that's one good another good thing rather that uh the comedy store provides no crowd control right none that place is madness any night could be madness that's why like it was so much anything can happen at the comedy store so like for example like when we did that show in indianapolis and i came out and i'm looking at the masses of people but the first thing that i noticed to my left is this lady lit up next to the stage that's doing sign language to the to the audience and i just couldn't help but to start like i all i said you know it started just with i've never performed in front of one of these people before I've always wondered what that

would be like and then I'm noticing that she has to keep up with everything that I'm saying so like I went off on this whole run about it that it was just so much fun for me and and I could trust my instinct and just keep going with it because I even though like I wouldn't have known to do that if I was just trying to just put on like an act right yeah which is also great but I got to go off on a run there and I could trust that instinct you know by the end I have her doing blowjob motions to her face because I realized that if I said the word blowjob she has to do that jerk off on her face off on the face is the that's the sign language for that? Yeah.

This is blowjob. Or at least that's what she was doing. Actually, it was a he because they switched halfway through. It was a whole thing. They switched? The chick was like, enough, Tony Hinchcliffe. I think so. You think so?

She quit? I don't know what happened. How did she have backup so close? Maybe they get tired. Yeah, I guess so. Signings. Maybe you need really good hand cardio. It ended up being crazy.

I had a ton of tweets. Indianapolis was so much fun and everybody was hashtagging sign language because I couldn't even believe what was going on. Yeah, I did that once in San Francisco. A guy brought his own. Remember that? Yeah, and it sat right in the front row.

Yeah, a guy brought his own sign person. I was sat right in the front yeah a guy brought his own sign person i was like wow that's pretty gangster guy was deaf he wanted to go see some comedy he's like hey tell me what they're saying yeah he was a really nice guy that was a fun show he he did i forget what he did because it was a i was obviously a timing thing because he didn't talk but it was really funny it was really funny like you could tell the guy like really enjoyed stand-up comedy and even though he was deaf he still understood like what you know he understood jokes it's gotta be weird because he's only getting it like two-dimensional right you don't if you don't hear it yeah man you're missing so much like there's a lot of guys like Joey Diaz perfect

example oh yeah half of what's funny is how he sounds like you know the way he sounds is the fucking intensity in his voice oh my god it's like when he when he hits those things when he starts screaming about something like he was screaming about it's blue cheese with buffalo wings or go fuck your mother it was just fucking ranch dressing he went on this rant about ranch dressing. And on paper, it's like, there's nothing funny about that at all. But if you hear him, if you hear Joey

and you see him do it, it was one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen in my life. You can hear the passion that comes from deep. But I mean, maybe this guy had like a deep sense of his own timing. You know, he can interpret it in the funniest way. Because he was obviously a fan of stand-up comedy

enough to hire his own sign language person. Yeah. I've been at a college show once where they made them have sign language. It was like part of the rules. Like if someone spoke, they had to have someone there. Hmm. I always wondered, how complicated is that sign language?

I mean, it seems like... It seemed really... I was watching some parts of it, because at one point when you were on, I walked around and sort of was watching from the side ledge area, and I noticed that when you said the word at one point, black cock, this guy had to do this thing, where it was this giant, like.

Right. Well, that's the strap-on bit, right? Well, it was something about... It was when you were taking questions at the end. It was like you were talking about Dennis Rodman's cock or something. It was, like, very improvised. Oh, the King John Ill thing.

But I was noticing, this guy has to do this thing. Like, black cock in sign language is this... It's, like, so stereotypical. Like, it's just giant, and his hands were so far apart. It was like he was describing a tree stump or something like that with his hands.

I'm like, that's black cock in sign language? Isn't that hilarious? That's what they would come up with. That's the move. Yeah, so blowjob is this? I don't know why it's down. Why does it go down? That seems awkward.

Because you're always on your knees. But that's an awkward angle. Yeah. How tall is this dude you're blowing? Oh, that is why it would be up. I see. Are you blowing a giant? What's going on?

A child made sign language. You know, if so, get on a chair. That's a ridiculous angle to have that your standard angle for suck a dick that doesn't make any sense at all don't knock him to your thigh you can't say that

a second time though Brian you almost killed some of the first time it still makes me laugh just thinking about it it was brilliant at the time

it was absolutely brilliant it was the perfect time if at first you don't succeed thigh thigh again two of you guys get a room get a room. Get a room, you fucks.

Yeah, we're going to have to share a room when we're in San Francisco and Sacramento. I haven't shared a room since I was... Why are you sharing rooms? Because. Listen, get in your own rooms, you fucking weirdos. You grown men. Stop pretending like you're in high school. Okay, we're going to get up to our door. We're going gonna go fishing

we're gonna get a hotel room together shut the fuck up dude get your own room god damn it what is it $30 a night

you cheap fuck $30 a night what the fuck haven't you seen the commercials we'll keep the light on for you $30 a night

$30 bucks Joe we were talking about it on a recent podcast I think you were there Tony I think it was Ari. Joe, we were talking about it on a recent podcast. I think you were there, Tony. Yeah. I think it was Ari was saying it.

He was talking about how funny it was going to the grocery store with you because you'd be like, how much is macaroni or pasta sauce? Like $20? What is toothpaste? $2? Something like that. I don't know what anything costs. Right. I haven't forever.

Eddie Bravo always makes fun of it and says that I would be the worst person ever on the prices, right? Yeah. Because I literally don't know what anything costs. It's so funny. Hey, there's only room enough in my fucking head for so much shit. Oh, I get you.

There's no room for that. I just got no room for, as long as people aren't riding the streets over the price of toothpaste, if they are, then I'll start paying attention. It's like, I got shit to do. I can't be worrying about what shit costs.

As long as it's fairly reasonable. But I have friends that are, like, wealthy. And you'll hear them go, a steak for $39? You're telling me that this steak costs $39? Like, why is this steak $39? It's just, what are you doing? What are you doing? It's a number.

What does it even mean? What the fuck is it even based on? Just shut your mouth. You're not broke. the 39 bucks you cheap fuck you whining asshole you yammering fucking perspective lap and douchebag you know get it together you fuck i went it's not even a real person i went to that morton's steakhouse place wonderful place yeah i love it and i was just in the it was the only place near me that had crab legs and because I was just since Vegas I've been thinking about those crab legs from Vegas and from nine yeah from nine which is the most amazing place ever so I went there to get on and a half pound

was 60 like 65 dollars and I was like that's a lot you get it's like four legs is what it was but did you watch that show where the dudes die and they get on those fucking crab boats? No, I didn't. That's why it's so much. It's because it's really hard to get. That's where World Deadliest Catch? Well, this is what I was getting at. Then two days later, I was thinking like that day, I wanted more.

I wanted to eat a shitload of, you know what I mean? So then I went to Olive Garden and they had to wait. So I went to the place next door instead, which is like Outback Steakhouse. And they had them there. And they had a pound for $40. And then you can add another half pound for $15. So I got a pound and a half for the same price. And it tasted pretty much exactly the same.

Really? You could tell that it came out like when you pulled it out. It was like a little harder, I guess. Not as buttery and mushy as the other other place but still tastes exactly the same so you think they just overcooked it maybe i think they were frozen obviously you know and that's you could probably tell the difference well i think they're all frozen quite honestly because they're coming from alaska well i was thinking that's why i went to morton's though because i was like oh that place probably gets it yeah well they just know how to fucking do everything right there's certain

places like you know mort, Morton's. There's that other one, Fleming's. You ever eat at Fleming's? Yeah. There's a whole chain of those things. They just know what the fuck they're doing. You know, I used to actually work at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. Wait a minute.

Hold on a second. I know what you said, but I thought I sexually worked at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. That's what I heard you say. That too. What are you thinking about right now? I was like, wait, what the fuck did he say? And that place is nuts. Chris Steakhouse. That's what I heard you say. That too. I was like, wait, what the fuck did he say? And that place is nuts. And then I realized it was a slurring I used to actually.

I sexually. Oh, I see. I used to actually. That's it. If you ever heard someone speak in another language, they're just rattling it off, and if you don't know what they're saying, you could never discern that there's more than one word going on there. You don't know when one stops and another one ends.

That was a classic example. I used to actually. What is that? That's not a word. It's like a Jeff Dunham bit or something. No, not Jeff Dunham. What's his name? It might be a redneck guy.

Foxworthy. Jeff Dunham. What's his name? There might be a redneck guy. Foxworthy. Jeff Foxworthy. Doesn't he have, like, he had, like, things he would write down, like, D-G-E-A-T-D-G. Like, it was like, you know, there was, like, a redneck vocabulary. Have you ever seen that show Swamp People where they're just alligator hunting? Holy fuck, man. I don't think I want to buy alligator shit anymore. I don't like alligators, so I buy like alligator skin things.

When I was a little kid, an alligator ate this lady's dog. And I'll never forget that I lived there. I lived in Gainesville, Florida, and there was a place called Lake Alice. And there's alligators there. You'd see them all the time. And I didn't think nothing of it because nobody was scared until one of them ate this lady's dog. And I was like, oh, you motherfucker. But when you watch these people on these shows, these alligator hunting shows,

first of all, you realize how many fucking alligators there are. Because they're killing a shitload of them. You know, they have like a tag that they can fill. I don't remember what the guy was saying, but it was like, I think it was like 500 or something. Let's find out. Alligator tag limits in Florida. We didn't talk.

How was being in Texas during all that fucking bomb shit and like fertilizer things? Crazy. Crazy. We missed the fertilizer thing because I was only there for one day but um that the bomb shit all of it is just the whole thing is when something like that happens it's so fucking scary you know katie uh waitress katie from the comedy store yeah cousins, like, look at this photo right here. Here's the terrorist guy right here in the hat.

This is him dropping off the bomb. Yeah. Because this is the restaurant, and he's walking the opposite way, so that he must have just dropped it off right there. Right. Here's supposedly the kid that died. Oh, God. Here's her cousins all right over here, and they all lost their limbs.

Oh, God. And so they're going to have like a benefit show soon that's just a crazy picture though because it has it all all together what the fuck man yeah no one knows what any motive yet where we're at now in the uh the news it's all purely speculation because the brother is dead and the youngest brother is he got shot in the throat apparently. The only way he's communicating is writing things down. How does something – I just don't understand.

And of course there's a million people online that are shouting out false flag, false flag. The government is trying to take our weapons away and tighten down on security and that's why this is happening. Did you read the kid's Twitter? Like I stayed up all night and read that shit yeah his twitter was spooky i didn't see it yeah his twitter was really spooky it was weird it seemed normal that but then he would throw in like little things like fuck the police and then or something like muhammad something type well i think if you're gonna paraphrase a guy who's a fucking murderer the least you could do is go to his twitter page, you lazy fuck, and actually read the nutty tweets

that the guy said. Hey, I'm the most stress-free guy. That's what he said. That was one of his tweets. That's why he said that. He goes, I'm mostly kind of a stress-free guy. This is after he had blown people up. Allegedly, of course. This is the kid that survived. The one that's dead, there's

all these disputes about what happened to him. Some people are saying the cops ran over him. He's saying his brother ran over him. The whole thing sounds like – and people are crying out conspiracy. One thing you have to realize about information, whenever there's a tragedy or whenever there's anything that's like really scary like this, there's a terrorist bombing, it's people panic. And you get a whole bunch of different versions of the truth. And it's not a conspiracy a lot of times. It's just no one knows what the fuck is going on.

Everybody's terrified. And stories spread very quickly. Like they thought at one point in time that one of the suspects was a missing university student from Brown. And he was, I believe he was an Indian young man. And his family had been looking for him for like a month. And they distributed this video and people were saying this is one of the suspects that this is what happened. They become like a jihadist and left. But that wasn't true at all. By the morning, we found out it was a totally different person. So this is not this wasn't like a conspiracy to like hide that information. And I think that's really important when people are looking at events like this.

Wait till the dust settles. Don't just start fucking calling out conspiracy and calling out red flags and false flags, saying that it's some nefarious thing going on. Whatever it is, it's horrific. But jumping on the immediate conspiracy bandwagon, it's like, man, that is one of the worst things for the cause of questioning things. And if you ever wanted to be a good disinformation agent, what you do is the moment that anything happens, start yelling and screaming that it's a conspiracy and expose every single aspect of it that you feel is corrupt.

That would be the best way for the government to protect themselves from any thoughts of being labeled as being a part of a conspiracy because there's so many nutty people that do that with every single event that it's like they've cried wolf, you know? Yeah. I was so nervous with Greg Fitzsimmons that night because he was actually down there doing shows and I,

I text him and he said that and the shows were canceled. He was just in his bed watching movies. Yeah. The shows got canceled. That one night. I don't know if it was, was it Friday night? That was,

he flew all the way down there. Yeah. That, that crazy man friday night i was what was even crazier is how horrible cnn was they were like an hour and a half behind but then you'd like look what was it hashtag watertown that jane gave me uh it was just like guy throwing grenades this happening this happened like it was so insane reading that and you and that. And it was amazing how censored everything was or delayed it was on the news. It was like you think that shit's – people are getting grenades thrown at them. That would be on the news immediately. But they were just like talking like, oh, we're still looking for this guy. It's incredible.

Everybody's a witness now and everybody's a cameraman now. What's happening is people on the streets or can beat the news yeah because they're right there too everybody you also don't get a filter meaning you don't get anyone correcting it either so it's interesting because you get you get instantaneous news but you don't get it vetted you know it doesn't people don't make sure that everything that's coming through is kosher not that the news always gets it right. They don't. And I guess it's better to do it that way where it eventually sorts itself out.

But people that would step in and sabotage that process and create disinformation, like a government agency could be pretty fucking successful at doing that, I think. And there's probably a bunch of people that are hired to do that shit all the time. I've been accused of it myself, but will tell you that is incorrect and that i think like in those starsky and hutch movies like when uh someone would say when or a tv show right any any cop show they used to have to remember in the old days like someone would say if you're a cop you gotta tell me like when someone's an undercover cop oh yeah and remember it was like there was a secret password yeah you got to ask them are you a cop and they go shit yeah i'm a cop yeah man i'm too smart for you jack you can't buy this heroin you know there was like some magic word i think that was a creation of fiction yeah yeah i think

they changed that yeah but people always thought that Yeah. But people always thought that. But, you know, that's probably some disinformation the cops put out. There was an accusation recently that the DEA put out a false paper about them not being able to track people by using iMessage because iMessage is over the internet. And so there was like an article like a tech site. Like if you're planning to sell drugs, like do it through iMessage. Wow. Because the DEA says it can't read it. And then the DEA is pressuring Apple.

But it turned out that was fake. It was like the DEA made that to get a bunch of assholes that are drug dealers to go, yo, dog, just iMessage me. I don't know what accent that is if that's your nationality i apologize it was just a spur of the moment thing and it mean no disrespect but you know like the ea made a they put out fake news to trick dummies into using i message to sell drugs it's a good idea it is it's crafty. But it's one of those things where it gets to the point of,

you know, when, that's not total entrapment, that's just lying. But what happens when you have undercover people? When you have undercover people involved, those undercover people

like sell you coke and then you arrest them, that's crazy. You know why it's crazy? Because there's no real coke. Okay, you're not selling them coke. You're arresting them. So you're saying that they wanted to buy coke, but you weren't even really selling coke.

You just got them to act through the moments. That's a good point. I never thought of it that way. Talk through it. There was no coke to buy. There's no crime to commit. They might have thought they were going to commit a crime, but there was no real coke. They're not really buying anything.

You're not really selling anything. There was no real transaction. It's a fake transaction. You're playing make believe. And that's fucked up because you're also trying to arrest people because the more people you arrest, the better you, your career looks. So it becomes a quantifiable thing. So you can talk someone into doing something illegal and then arrest them and then it helps

you. But that's crazy because people talk people in the suck in their dick people talk people and they're doing all sorts of stupid shit they didn't really want to do they just did because they got persuaded because people could be persuasive so if you're some crazy sociopathic fuck that just so happens to be an undercover cop and you want to talk people into doing shit for you so you can arrest them. We need to put you in a cage, okay? You, you crazy fuck. Yeah, Tony.

Yeah, are you saying I'm an undercover cop? No. How'd you guys find out about that? Well, the internet. It's one of the first. We had to vet it, but we just figured we'd run it by you first, see how you reacted. Well, you know I have to tell you once you bring it up.

It's true. I'm an undercover cop. You know, it's just the whole idea that they can pretend to buy you once you bring it up it's true i'm an undercover cop you know it's just the whole idea that they can pretend to buy drugs from you and then arrest you it's like what are you doing with it why don't you go get it stop stop that you're selling fake drugs you're buying fake drugs stop it just cut the shit stop trying to trick people okay either you catch them or you don't right stop playing games pretending you're criminals you're criminals. If you catch them or you don't, Jesus Christ. Can't we be, everybody be a superhero? Superheroes don't pretend to be undercover drug lords and sell you fucking illegal guns

and then arrest you. Yeah, I think with the drugs it's good. I think they should keep doing that predator thing though. The drones? No, the, uh, to catch a predator, like busting the guys that are trying to hook up with kids and stuff. Oh, yeah. That's different.

Predator, Jones, kids. Yeah, but even that, you know, what's fucked up about that is like what if you got like a really weak dude and he's a pedophile and he's gone through like, you know, counseling and he's got like all this, you know, shit that's heavy in his head. But he's going to figure out a way to never abuse again. Like he got out of jail, and he's trying to go through counseling. He's trying to straighten himself out. And then along comes that fucking To Catch a Predator show, and they just troll his ass. I don't know how they get people to get into their site

and chat with them and shit like that. I don't know what those people say back. I don't know what they get to say back. Well, sometimes they have the kid being extra teasy. It is sort of. Hey, there's a party. I'm so fucked up. I'm having a party.

I'm making cookies. Can you bring, you know. Do you want some sweet tea? As always, sweet tea. Have some sweet tea. Something about sweet tea makes you want to suck dick. There's some cookies on the table. I'll be right out.

And then that, what's his name? Chris Hansen. Powerful Chris Hansen. How many crazy people has that guy met? Do they still do that? Poor, nutty people. I don't think so. I think they got in trouble.

I think, I don't, see, a lot of what they did, first of all, I think you have to get people to sign releases to air that stuff. I don't know how they got anybody to sign a release. I mean, I'm really considered news. Maybe it's that's one of those. I don't know. I mean, how did they do that? They probably they probably cover their costs. They're lawyers.

Everything. Really? Oh, yeah. Because it's worth it to them to have a hit. We're just totally speculating. No better than anyone. So why don't we look that up real quick. Let's see. How did to catch a predator

What do you think I should Google? How did to catch a predator get them to sign waivers? Sure. Watch what you Google, man. You don't want that in your Google records. Yeah, no kidding, right? Hey, what was up with you and the Google glasses, man? I'll tell you. Hold on. Did you just call me honey? Honey, sweetie pie. How did Catch Predator get them to sign waivers?

Yeah, you could, like, get in trouble for, like, looking too much into Catch Predator. Like, what are you trying to do? Trying to avoid being busted, you know? I was thinking about that the other day. Like, how do you even know what's going on if you can't google certain things like i was thinking of looking up like how to make a bomb just to see if that's out there like nobody knows if that's out there if you don't google it and everybody's afraid to google it does that make sense yeah yeah did you do it no i didn't i don't

i don't want anything to happen to me which is why i think i left an impression i you know it was something i was curious about i wish there was a thing you could google where it's like i don't know i just don't get it but it seems like any crazy kid i don't know the internet's powerful the scariest thing about shows like to catch predators you see that these guys are like broken you know you see they're like horrified when they get caught you see they know that it's fucked up it's not like they're these remorseless cold insensitive unfeeling you know they're not scared when they get caught these guys fall apart you can see they're horrified at who they are

it's really it's scary it's scary to see because it's like a glimpse into madness. You know? That guy Chris Hansen, I guarantee you. Now, this sounds like some hippie bullshit, but being around people that are that fucked up on a regular basis and broadcasting them and paying your bills based on broadcasting them and all under the guise, I guess, you're pulling these people off the street, and that's always a good thing. and paying your bills based on broadcasting them. And all under the guise, I guess,

you're pulling these people off the street, and that's always a good thing. Well, you know what happened to him, right? What was it? Was it he got caught cheating on his wife or something? It was some big media thing. Yeah, he got investigated with a camera. He was out with another ball mound. I mean, look, I don't know what the fuck the guy's marriage was like.

I don't want to crack on the guy for that. I think there's a big difference between that and some fucking child, some consensual shit he did with his secretary or whoever that freak is. Who knows? I don't want to hate him for that. But being around all those people that were kid fuckers, man. That's got to wear on your soul. That's got to wear on your soul to just even see these people over and over again.

And being in their presence when you know most of them are probably, I mean, I guess this isn't their first time. I would assume this isn't their first time. They probably already had sex with young kids already. So you watch that. It's just, it's, it's just, it's really, it's gotta be a really depressing view of the world. And it's only so many different things you can expose yourself to in a 24 hour time period. And you got, you know, 365 of those 24 hour time periods in a year. And you got a hundred of those years if you keep your shit together, but most likely no.

And you're going to spend time hanging around pedophiles all the time and it's one thing if you're a guy and that's your job to pull them off the street but i don't i'm not exactly sure what good it does making a show out of that you know what i mean except scare the fuck out of everybody make us aware but i feel like you know not that i mind them being outed because it's such a heinous crime against humanity but man it seems like a fucked up thing to broadcast you know it's like what do we want to concentrate on it's one thing to like work on cleaning that up but as a piece of entertainment programming you're gonna you're gonna concentrate on someone who wants to victimize children.

And you're just going to focus on that a lot. I think it was a hit because they're the ultimate bad guys. Oh, yeah. So you're looking at the villain of all villains. Right. No matter how fucked up your own life is, right? Right. Yeah.

Nobody's lower than a child molester. Everybody can go, that fucking piece of shit. That fucking piece. You get to be on the couch picking your fat toes, smoking a cigarette. You're sitting there just picking dry skin out of your toes and just dropping it on the floor. Oh, this motherfucker. That piece of shit. I hope he rots.

I hope he rots in jail. Death is too good for him. I hope he rots in jail. You know what they do to child molesters? They get them in there. This person, this fucking wretched, stupid human being is barely an ape they get the shit on this child molester and feel better that voice grosses me out that boston lady yeah i feel bad i shouldn't do it i'm from boston boston is in a bad position right now

i just don't you know this uh boston thing one of the things that is fascinating is that they – like there was a thing about how they weren't going to read him his rights. And then this thing about how whether or not they were going to try him as an enemy combatant or try him as a civilian. It's really fascinating that that's becoming a real issue, the way they decide to approach it. Like, is this guy an American that we're going to try as an American? When someone commits any form of terrorism, are they instantly just out of the club, or do we try him as one of us?

Is it a war thing? Are we at war? How are we going to go forward in this yeah it's interesting so when it's interesting the way we label things you know and it's interesting okay any conspiracy theory aside that all these nutty ideas that are floating around one thing we know for sure there was bombs that a person put in place that killed a bunch of people that didn't do anything wrong and we have to figure out how the fuck that happens and i know that sounds super simplistic but as a human as a species that's evolving clearly as we were talking about the Mongols earlier, and like what they used to do a thousand years ago, our most heinous acts pale in comparison to those of our ancestors.

But when something like this happens, you realize that people are still capable of such embarrassing, ruthless stupidity, arrogance, and just horrific insensitivity towards their fellow man. The idea that you could just take a bunch of people you don't know and kill them and maim them and you just were in the wrong spot at the wrong time and I got a message. And there's only one thing that gets people to do that, folks, by the way,

and that's an ideology. It could either be a religion or it could be a cult or it can be some group that you belong to that's sworn allegiance to a certain code or set of rules. But that's the only way you get people to do shit like that. If they don't have an ideology, they just don't do that it doesn't make sense there's no evolutionary benefit to doing that other than pleasing a group of other like-minded psychopaths someone you have to be amongst a group of people that have very specific beliefs

a group of people that have very specific beliefs that above all else take precedent so that you're willing to put your humanity aside for your crazy beliefs in a completely irrational display of destructive power and that you can kill innocents. That only comes from ideology. it being a Buddhist, whether you call it being a vegan, whether you call it being a Christian, whether you call it being a Republican, whether you call it being a Democrat, whether you call it being a progressive, when you lock yourself in anything, you become a part of something that's almost been decided for you you you you you you you lock into a pre-arranged set of opinions on things and some of them are batshit fucking crazy and just like the mongols got a hundred thousand motherfuckers to roam across russia and europe and china and slaughter millions of people you can't do that unless you got a cause you can't do that unless you've got a cause.

You can't do that unless you're part of a group. You can't do that unless your group is separate from the other groups. And the only way that ever works is someone's got to talk you into that shit. You've got to be a part of something. And with this kid, apparently he was the one that they're saying did it. He was a pretty radical, religious young man. Now, whether or not that's true, who knows? It has to be.

It seems to be the one thing that all these people have in common. Yeah. Well, I think the false flag people are thinking that somebody gave them all this stuff and that they were talked into doing it and that it was a plan to erode civil liberties, that they would sacrifice a few Americans and clamp down on laws. And this really is classically what military leaders have been doing since the beginning of time.

Like we were talking about, armies in the past would actually sacrifice soldiers and slaughter them so that the rest of the people could eat. They would cannibalize themselves. They had to talk somebody into doing something like that you know i mean the first time somebody does that's super awkward yeah it's fucking you know it's it's hard to believe that in this day and age with the bet like if you look at like how amazing humans are capable of being, you know. Like here's a perfect example. Oprah. Now I know Brian doesn't like my love for Oprah.

I love that you're in love for Oprah. I think it's funny. Brian, he goofs on me. But it's an honest appreciation for what she does because Oprah, like, you know, I had a friend who worked for it and he was like, man, she's like super, um, do you gotta pee? You weak bitch. Barely an hour in. How the fuck are you going to try to be a standup comedian? You can't even go two hours without peeing. Um, my friend was like, uh, he worked for it and he was

like, wow, she's like intense, you know, you know, she's like really, uh, she has an idea what she wants and she gets it done. And, uh, you know, he was like, I think he's probably intimidated by it, too, because he was working for it. But like, stop and think about how much nice that lady does. Like that lady is like so nice. All those women that come to her show, they feel great. Everybody leaves positive. I was reading this thing the other day on negative energy, and that there was some sort of a study that actually showed that negative energy is contagious and if you find out you know if you if you're hanging around people that are negative and it doesn't just affect you when you communicate with them it becomes a part

of the way you communicate as well it becomes contagious and one like super aggressive contagious negative person can actually affect like a company i think that's why it's important that, I mean, companies have been really focused on that. I think ones that are really aware of the social structure within their organization, they want to make sure that you don't get like a really negative downer type person in any sort of a role. Because if you get them, you know, that they can really infect, like if they're, especially if you had some guy, like you're working on a big project,

you got some one guy who's leading it and he's a douchebag and everybody shows up for work like, oh, it's, there's very few things in life worse than being stuck, like working in a job that sucks with a boss who's an asshole. Right. Why are all bosses mostly assholes too? It's hard to get people to listen. I look back at all the jobs I've ever had, you know, and it's the majority, like they were always the assholes too. It's hard to get people to listen. I look back at all the jobs I've ever had, and it's the majority,

they were always the assholes. They were never the people you hung out with or wanted to hang out with. They were always the assholes. I was always a terrible employee. So I think any time a boss got mad at me, I totally deserved it. You deserved it.

Whether it was a shitty, I did a shit job mowing lawns when I was a landscaper. I remember the guy hired me. I fucking scalped his lawn. I didn't know how to work a lawnmower. I lied just so I could get the job. Like my friend did it and he said, you could do it easy.

It's not hard, but it was hard. The first time we did it, it was kind of hard to figure out. These are old shitty lawnmowers and I scalped the shit out of this lawn. I fucking hate mowing lawns. Don't you hate it? That used to be torture back as a child. It's not easy. Oh, yeah.

But when I was in high school, my friend Chris, one of the things about Boston, about growing up in Boston, Boston is like a really – they have a lot of ingenuity. There's a lot of like people get shit done. There's like a strong work ethic there like clearly way stronger work ethic than i ever experienced here in california like people are so used to getting up in the morning shoveling their car out from the snow they're they're used to shit like it's a different kind of uh like there's a different kind of like mentality there you know and if you grow up there You grow I forget what we were talking about

I had an example What were we talking about just before that Yes Fuck I had a point And I completely lost it And trying to figure out why it is Damn it

You didn't take your alpha brain today. I didn't. I took it, but not until right before the show. Fuck. Mowing lawns. Oprah. No, no, no. It was past Oprah, dude.

It was the mowing lawns thing. It was about... Oh, my friend Chris. Okay. When I was in high school, this is what it was. When everybody else was like... I had a job at like Papa Gino's and shit. I was like making spaghetti. And it was um when everybody else was like you know i had a job at like papagino's and shit i was like making spaghetti and it was like pretty easy boring job this kid

had a lawnmower empire he had a landscaping empire he had a brand new car he had people working for him he had lawns that were going while he was at school he had guys working for him they were cutting lawns while he's at school and he would come home and he would go and work till nighttime and then show up for work the next day he always had new sneakers on he was like a grown man by the time we were 17 this fucking kid i i'd never been around more people that made me feel like a lazy bitch there was so many dudes like my friend jimmy that I used to look at Jimmy Dutilio. This guy, like he had from the time he was in high school, he had his own electrical business. He worked for a guy for a little while, started doing work on the side. By the time he got out of high school, the dude's got his own business. He's just busting ass 10, 12 hours a day,

driving around like a maniac. It was you, you're around people like that. Like you, you develop that sort of, you know,. Like you develop that sort of tenacity. That exists like in not a lot of spots in this country. And I think that dealing with like environmental conditions, there's something about that. It's why people from New York tend to be funnier. People from Boston tend to be funnier because they're dealing with so much bullshit all the time. Oh, definitely. And chemtrails.

Chemtrails. I definitely think where you're raised has a lot to do with that type of crazy factor of your communication skills, really. I think it's down to small talk. If the city that you're raised in rains a lot, you're going to end up having to talk with your friends more. Or if it snows a lot, if it rains a lot, if it's a up having to talk with your friends more or if it snows a lot if it rains a lot if it's a windy city things like that it's true and i think those really apply like yeah socially for sure right yeah in california you could sleep outside and live right ohio you drank got drunk and just talked partied and talked yeah on the porch while smoking cigarettes that's it don't you think that Ohio of today, growing up in the same place where you grew up, would be very different because of the internet?

Because kids growing up with the internet? Be a lot more tolerable, that's for sure. Yeah, right? Yeah. That's a totally different world now. The whole world all of a sudden got lights turned on everywhere. Lights turned on and the news started showing up. All the information started flowing. Whereas before, you relied on local newspapers and fucking tv news bitch how the

fuck did you know what was going on how did anybody know what was going on back then man yeah how did anybody know so i think they're saying uh that there's like certain laws that apply to pedophiles that's why those guys were allowed to be put on that show that there's certain laws that apply to pedophiles. That's why those guys were allowed to be put on that show. And there's a reason why they quit. A guy killed himself while filming it. Oh, Jesus. One of the suspects.

Somebody tweeted it. Well, if they were being honest, wouldn't they say, Good riddance. See you next week. Yeah, they would show it. I mean, aren't they trying to get rid of predators? They're trying to catch them. It's bad if they commit suicide?

Well, we're all God's creatures, even the ones that fuck kids. I mean, what is that? That's ridiculous. Wow, they got sued for $105 million. Why don't they just come clean and give the guys a gun on the show? And go, listen, sir, there's a bullet in that gun. Put it up to your head. Fuck this trial. And we'll pay for your funeral.

And we'll, you know. That'd be the most watched reality program. And then as soon as he blows his brains out, I'll go, psych. Film it. Get a close-up on him. We're out. Just get out of there. Just leave him there.

Put it on TV. No one's going to know. I'm like, all right, we're out. Just get out of there. Just leave them there. Put it on TV. No one's going to know. What are they going to do?

The cop's going to sue NBC? Are they going to bring him in for questioning? Look, you saw what happened. The guy fucks kids. We gave him a gun. Okay, we're good here, right? Yeah. Would that be illegal?

I would say yes. Especially if the guy didn't have a gun permit. Yeah, I guess it really depends on the gun law. Maybe you could do it if you gave him the gun and said, Whatever you do, do not shoot yourself in the head right now on TV. Give a little smile and a wink. There was this weird comic at the store last night. Do you remember this, Tony? There was some Norwegian comic that did something for Michael Jackson or something.

But he had this huge Wikipedia that just goes off about how brilliant this guy is and how much money he makes. Oh, did he write his own Wikipedia? Maybe. But, I mean, so he's connected to a lot of these TV shows and stuff. But anyways, his wife comes up to me and goes, hey, fat man, come here, fat man. And I was right in front of you. I do know who you're talking about. And she was trying to tell me that she wanted – that he has this nice house up here.

And pretty much she was trying to get me to come back to their house. For an orgy? It's what it seemed like. She wanted you – well, it's probably what they feel like Hollywood's about. Right. Yeah. And he's like, if I am going to make it here, you have to give up the pussy. Listen, we need orgies all the time.

Norway. That's the only way to make it as comedians. It's so weird. Yeah, that's a pretty odd story there, fella. And then she's showing me these photos in her phone. She's like, look at the parties we have. And it's just like her and this other girl like oh wait a minute she's a comedian no no no she's the wife oh the one and she's just like

going around the whole place like bragging about her husband how much millions yeah she was she was very cute but this guy looked like a baron you know he's a bigger guy with a suit that's like four sizes too small we're probably both CIA. You guys are getting slowly worked. They're slowly going to make it into the organization. They were looking into this whole death squad thing. They're like, what is death squad? Do we have to worry about them? That's what it is. So you're the guy that they wanted to take up there and show the –

Yeah. They were going to drug you and hit you with some fucking – some hypnosis. I know. Europeans just – they just don't have like normal sex he's gonna be some manchurian candidate type dude that's gonna happen cia dude is gonna drop a nano pill in his drink that silly bitch he'll be hammered he'll drink anything he'd send his way you know what's also weird is that lady that drives around in that pink corvette sr yesterday this was my not yesterday excuse me yesterday. This was my point. Not yesterday, excuse me.

Last week. This was my point, that I see her maybe once a week, and it's always random places. Like, I'll see her in Hollywood once, and I'll see her a lot around here. But, like... Explain, tell people what she is. She used to be, like, a rich wife, I guess,

that would post photos or these billboards, like, all over, just kind of promoting her. And I don't think she really had... Well, that's one way to describe of promoting her and i don't think she really had well that's one way to describe it yeah i don't think she really had anything going she just had a lot of money to play with and so she pretty much made her seem like she was a big deal when she really wasn't she was just a rich wife yeah well the billboards were these giant billboards say angeline on them in like big letters like whoa it's angeline and she's this really pale lady with giant tits and she looks a little odd like she looks like like really like photoshopped like really like brightly lit like it's really hard to discern like key features um because she's apparently she's very old and when i came to la in 94 she had big billboards

all around town like several of them that said Angeline it was just her and then her management's number it was her in her underwear yeah it was kind of crazy because you know she was she had a really nice body I guess yeah back in the day like look at that yeah that's like what's her face uh Dolly Parton yeah but by the time she was doing this I mean who knows how old she was in that picture, but the one that you see today bears no resemblance. Yeah, I had no idea who she was, and we were shooting something at Hollywood in Highland one night

in that crazy area, and all of a sudden she pulls up, and people were like, oh my God, there's Angeline. I had no idea who this was and it took like four people 20 minutes to be able to explain to me what the big thing with her.

But in LA she's like an icon. She's probably 60 years old at least. She still dresses like she's 17. I've seen her several times. I wonder what she wanted. If she wanted to be an actress or what? I don't know.

That's a good question. Interesting marketing campaign. But what's really weird is how much I see her. That's one of the only cars where you're like, oh, that's her. That's her. That's her. How many times you actually drive by people you probably know and drive around in the same car.

It's just so weird how small los angeles actually is to that point well in that sense and you know it's also like the spots that she hits or the spots you're at like i just saw her at a coffee bean yeah there she that's what she looks like now yeah yeah yeah oh man i'm sure she's a nice lady i don't know i'll do it. No hate. You wouldn't do that if no one knew? I mean, look, man. Nothing wrong with being that.

That's who she is. She's fabulous. Let her go get it. Fuck this little kitty right here. Oh, look at that arm. Brian, put that away. What is that? Put that whole thing away, you fuck. She's your grandmother, man.

Show some respect. I don't know if she's a she's a grandmother man show some respect i don't know if she's a mother or grandmother but you know that that whole wanting to be famous thing is a strange thing and she was like one of the original reality stars she created her own reality show by just putting up billboards her reality show became her life you know no one was filming it but her life was a reality show you know i knew who she was i knew who she was a couple years after living here so i've known who she was since 96 ish 97 ish wow yeah i remember when she pulled up she had her face covered with like some kind of like one of those asian fans yeah and she she was mysterious. Whoa.

Yeah, that's a strange world we live in, my friends. Man, if I was a porn star, a hot chick porn star, I would buy a pink Corvette and be her new competition. Oh, that would be so rude. You could call yourself Angelone. Or Angelina. That's a good idea, though, because that's how

she got her attention, to sing that pink Corvette. The new Angelina. Maybe a good idea though because I mean that's how she got her attention to sing that you know Pink Corvette the new Angelina maybe you could have like your whole thing was about like how you

get a rich husband who allows you to freelance in your porn career and that you know that would be the whole thing

so the husband has no idea what's going on he comes home what is happening in here who are these guys and you gotta explain why they were tag teaming you and has no idea what's going on. He comes home, what is happening in here? Who are these guys? And you've got to explain why they were tag-teaming you. You've got to say, you know,

it was all so I could get better with you, honey. I just, they're not tag-teaming me. They're teaching me. This is, it's very controversial. I should abandon this right now. It's not going anywhere. Have you ever been with a girl that you're just completely haunted about? Like that you think about like, even after it happened, he was like, why the fuck did I do that?

That's part of being drunk, son. That's the whole part of being drunk. That's the beauty of life. If you didn't have those stories, then you wouldn't have those awkward moments. And if you didn't have those awkward moments, you wouldn't have some really hilarious shit to talk about when everyone else is drunk as well and they can understand what you're saying yeah that's why drunks have the best stories the the being drunk drunk stories when they could just really cut loose

and be free and not worried about it i had friends from back in the boston days that are the best stories when they're drunk and then somewhere somewhere along the line, those fucks become Alcoholics Anonymous people. And all the stories stop. Yeah. I feel like I'm going to have to start getting into Alcoholics Anonymous soon. Just being at the comedy store, going to that comedy club so much, you just have to fucking drink. Me and Tony battle with this almost every single night where we're like, have you got a drink yet? Yeah.

Have you got a drink yet? You know, I mean, it's just – it all depends a drink yet yeah you know i mean it's just it all depends you know what's interesting about you know it's like either the night's going great and you want to drink to celebrate or it's a fucking boring night and you want to drink to have more fun so it's like there's never there's never a time where i'm just like in the middle like you know what i just i don't know it's fun. If you do it every night that you have a show though, man, it really can wear on you. Well, you know, I'm very lucky because on my end of it, I'll sometimes only have a half a drink or one drink because I'm very little and I'm very reactive.

And so. How many beers does it take to get you fucked up? Two and a half probably. Yeah. Two and a half beers and you're fucked up. Three, I'm fucked up. Isn't that great? Yeah, three and I just decided to tell a story that I wasn't sure if I was going to tell.

Right. Yeah, I normally don't get to my third drink until pretty late. Oh, really? That's funny. Yeah. That's weird. How much do you weigh? Probably about

127, right around there. And if you think about it, beer is what, a pound? Right? Yeah, I guess so. I'd say one bottle of Jack Daniels fucks me up. Essentially, you get to 1% of your body weight fairly to like 1% of your body weight

fairly quickly. 1% of your body weight in beer. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. Would you say what about Jack Daniels would fuck you up?

I've gotten to the point where I think one bottle of Jack Daniels would fuck me up. Shut up, son. You fucking start slurring when you open the cap. Yeah, slurring

and being like And being alive. Yeah, I'm talking and being blacked out. And being alive. Yeah, I'm talking about like blacking out. I'm talking about like bleeding from the liver until I expire. My poor liver. Yeah, it's interesting that no one's figured out a way to create the effect of alcohol without the horrific effects to your fucking body. Well, you know, my way works. You could just

get down to 127 and just sip on a drink all night long feel great or black out every night because you keep forgetting you only weigh 126 pounds now right like you imagine it like a guy like tate what tate could well he doesn't drink but in his prime this big guy you know big guys can put away more like joey joey could put away some fucking booze man i love when joey joey barely ever drinks but when he does he always gets the most fruitiest drinks it's so cute like he'll get like i got an orange creamsicle it tastes good man yeah that's why you know people like uh pina coladas and shit you're getting fucked up and some folks only allow them that on when they're on vacation.

But men, when men are drinking, they want manly shit. They want something that just makes them go. Oh, yeah. Right? Totally. What are we talking about? You guys want a drink right now? I have a long night of drinking.

Don't be a pussy. So you're saying you'd rather drink with them than drink with us? No, I mean, what do you have? How dare you? How dare you? It depends what you have, because I'm pretty hungover right now. Well, I'm about to go watch a fucking UFO documentary, so I'm fixing to get fucked up. I've only ate quinoa today.

I'm not really big on watching UFO documentaries while sober. There's a spray that gets you drunk. Something's going to go wrong. What is this? Jam Pan just showed me this. There's a spray that gets you instantly drunk for a few seconds. Wow. That sounds awesome.

That seems super healthy. You should give that to yourself right before you leave the house. How long does it last? It doesn't say. Just a few. Five seconds. Is it like some whippets type shit? I guess not.

I don't know what it is. It's one spray releases.0075 alcohol. Oh. Oh, it gets you drunk legally. It doesn't get you drunk. Oh, legally drunk. Why would you show me that? They got some sportscaster.

Some sportscaster got pulled over for, um, is it Al Michaels? Yeah, he got pulled over and he was on the limit. He was at the limit he was absolutely at the limit 08 and 09 what happens there when you're out here's the thing don't you first have to do the drunk test you know like you walk around like a baffoon and then if you fail that then you have to do it he obviously i guess showed signs that he can't do you know balance on one foot you know so well not necessarily They might have just

asked him and he said he would take the test because he only had one drink. That's what he's saying. He's saying he only had one drink. I think. Did I read that? No. You know what? That's what I'm sorry. That's what Wetherspoon's husband said. I got the wrong drunk. He said he only had one drink. But the Al Michaels guy,

he tested on the limit. And he's a fucking man's man. He's a fucking sportscaster. You're telling me that guy doesn't know how to drive when he's a little tipsy? He's an 08? Let him go, you pussy. Don't you appreciate a good game of hockey being called by the maestro? Let him go.

It's not like you're letting go a criminal. 08. That's a pro drinker. That's a pro socializer. That guy knows what he's doing. He's a baby. 0 that's a pro socializer that guy knows he's a baby yeah oh eight the fuck out of here it's like what a pussy society we have that's not drunk okay if he's drunk yeah for sure arrest him asshole that's ridiculous people driving around drunk are assholes but people driving around that are barely buzzed at oh eight come on how do i know

that your body functions as good as mine does when I'm drunk? How about that? Your reaction time. How good is your... How do I know you're not a dullard with a slow right foot? You just can't get to that break in time. You know, maybe Al Michaels could still even at whatever he is, 70, still do a solid two-step,

hits that break like a champ. I'm not saying he should drive drunk. I'm just saying, what's 08? That's like a drink, right? Yeah, pretty close. Yeah. I would like to see what an 08 guy looks like performing stuff. I would like to see him go through that.

I'm sure he's always in a way when he's calling the Super Bowl. You know what I mean? Right. You know, you know, one that doesn't count, though. Here's another thing, though, is the adrenaline that you get when you get pulled over. I would imagine that would have some sort of a recuperative effect. Like if you're a little little driving a little shitty because you're kind of hammered and you get pulled over and it might jolt you into a position where you could possibly perform the test a little better than you could be. it's not going to make you less drunk right so 08 is still an 08 if you blew it yeah i think it's just entirely too low to to blanket that that's considered a dui because i mean you know if you go out to dinner and you have a drink like a margarita and the bartender

like pours it stronger than normal are you saying that just having one margarita with dinner, you should go to jail and get all these things on your license that you think you're going to run into, plow into a school of children? I don't buy that. I think that's – I don't know. I'm not a big – I think it needs to change. Well, I think that's a dosage issue. What you're talking about is a dosage issue. And that – they really should get in trouble if they're doing that. I mean people don't want them to get in trouble.

Go, yeah, go to this place. They got the stiffest drinks. You really should let people know what the fuck you're serving them. And if you're serving them some margarita that's got twice the alcohol in it and you're trying to get customers that way, you could fuck somebody up if they know exactly how they usually rock it. They have this thing, I'm good for one margarita and then I back the fuck off and then I get home and I'm fine. And then all of a sudden the guy's hammered,

driving home, he doesn't know what happened. It's because you essentially doubled his dose. Yeah. I'm just saying it's way too low, I think. Yeah, but not if it's... Don't you? I see your point, definitely. But I'm not convinced.

I don't have any data. I want to see a guy who's at an 08 go through all that shit. Is it based on what percentage you are at your fines too? I don't know. I want to do it. I want to – Want to get two eyes together? No.

No, I don't want to drive drunk. That's one thing I've been really careful about my entire life. I think it's really important to be safe when you're operating a vehicle. I mean, the idea that you would operate a vehicle with your body all fucking half there, that's so scary to me. It's so scary to be the driver.

It's so scary thinking that there's so many people out there that are doing it. It's so selfish and stupid. But I think that I would like to find out what it feels like to be at an 08 and do any of those tests, any of those lean your head. I want to know what is it like if they say, I'm not going to drive, but get me to the limit, give me a breathalyzer, say, okay, you're at 08 now, whether it's three drinks or two drinks, and now make me do your stuff. I want to know what it feels like. You can buy a breathalyzer on Amazon.

We should do it. But I don't want to do it because I definitely don't want to drive. But I would like to drive on a course. I would like to go on a course and see, like get me to 09 and let me see what I can do. I think you're going to be surprised how exactly normal you're going to be feeling. I wonder. Well, I wonder because I've been drunk and as have you. I wonder. I wonder what it's like to do that well i would but then again like telling people that 08 or 09 is the limit means that's probably where most people who are not in

the best shape or don't have the best talents for alcohol where they start to falter so if you're making a public policy, that's probably a good idea to do it on the conservative side. You know, Anthony Cumia had a funny thing. He was talking about, like, it should really be based on your tolerance, and you should have, like, a license that indicates your tolerance. But that shit changes, too, because dudes start falling apart. Yeah, you have to just take a license test or a tolerance test once a year.

It's so incredibly irresponsible to tell people they can drink more. Right. You know? To tell people that the legal limit as is, you can drink a little more. Yahoo! They're just fucking green light, son! Chugga-lugga-lugga-lugga. You ain't got tolerance like me, boy.

I got tolerance. Like, I mean, think about like my friend Justin. Here's a perfect example. You know my friend Justin, the seven foot tall dude? My friend Justin's like a legitimate giant. He's enormous. And if you go drink for drink with him, you're gonna die. You're gonna die. You're not the same species as him. He's a completely different

human being. It's like a dog next to a cat. It's not the same size. I'm pretty sure it's Andre the Giant, actually, who has the drinking record. I'm serious. I's Andre the Giant, actually, who has the drinking record. I'm serious. I think he has the... There's a drinking record? I think that's a crazy amount of cans of beers. Wow.

Wow. He was like, what, seven foot something? He was enormous. There's been a few giants since then that got into mixed martial arts. There's this guy, Giant Silva. He was like a legit giant. And he fought in Pride.

And then there's Antonio Bigfoot Silva. And that guy, I think I'm saying Giant Silva. I think that's his name. If not, I apologize. He was a big giant guy with crazy shaggy hair. And then there's another guy, Semmy Schilt. He's like seven feet tall. I think he's just a huge guy.

I don't think he has gigantism. I think he's just an enormous regular human. But you would just imagine a guy like Conjurer the Giant. Those little tiny, you ever see a picture of a little tiny beer can in his hand? Yeah. It's a trip. It's crazy. It's a trip.

He would hold a beer can in his hand. It was like you holding one of those little kids' apple juices, you know, those ones that come in lunchboxes. Well, it's just that they estimated that he drank over 7,000 calories every day in booze alone. I wouldn't be shocked. Do they have the stat there, the number? I know it's like a decisive thing. Well, I'm going to see the picture of his hand because it's so silly. You know, Rowdy Roddy Piper started coming by the Comedy Store a couple years ago.

And once in a while he'll swing in and he's friends with a few of us there. And, man, he's so great at hanging out and telling stories. Wow. And one of the stories that he told us was about Andre the Giant because everybody always goes, you know, because they did the road together for a decade or whatever. Right. Because they did the road together for a decade or whatever. And he talks about how one time they were at a bar and there were these college kids. They're like, hey, you know, fuck you, Andre the Giant.

But they're drinking beers. And that one time a kid drinks a beer, throws the empty can at the back of Andre the Giant's head. And he goes, don't do that again. And then later on he takes an empty can and he throws it at the back andre the giant's head and they do that and they all picture oh my god and they all run outside running away from andre the giant who got up and is now chasing them and they all got in their car all at once but andre caught up to the car before it drove away and he just flipped he picked up the. Where did you hear this story? Rowdy Roddy Piper.

Really? Yeah. It's got to be a true story, too. Even if it's not, let's let him tell it. Isn't that picture hilarious, though, of him holding the beer can? I mean, it's like a little bait. It's like, you ever see like a little kid's refrigerator set? Yeah.

And they have a fake refrigerator. That's what it looks like. Yeah, 119 beers in six hours. God, that's what he drank? There you go. That's what he drank? Yeah Yeah, 119 beers in six hours. God, that's what he drank? There you go. That's what he drank? Yeah. How big was that guy?

What was his height and weight? Seven foot one. And he wasn't just tall. He was enormous. Oh, yeah. God damn. Somewhere between 6'11 and 7'5 and over 500 pounds. Somewhere between 6'11 and 7'5 and over 500 pounds. Somewhere between 6'11 and 7'5 and over 500 pounds.

And then I also saw something. That's a very, how the fuck can they measure him right? You know what the problem with that is? Wrestling, they lie. 6'11, 3,000 pounds of twisted steel. They lie just to make guys look bigger. But that guy was legitimately enormous. In a real wrestling match, he would beat everybody.

I also heard a thing that that big body slam that was from the big WrestleMania 2 where Hulk Hogan body slams the ultimate bad guy, Andre the Giant. Right. And it's like you could tell Andre the Giant jumps into it with all of his might and Hogan's just trying to... Yeah. All he needs to do is go like that. It's amazing that he can even hold him up, though.

And he said that when he did that, he could feel every disc in his back just go... Hulk Hogan? Yeah, and then he laid down Andre the Giant. He was just so glad that that was the end of the match, because he... He ruined his back, then. Yeah. Wow. His back is fucked up now, right?

That guy, he's had surgery all these guys are those guys are unbelievable warriors because they were doing it every night in sold-out arenas right they had to put on a show they were going non-stop and like even um piper just like six or seven months ago he was by the store he would come in like once in a while, every few days for, you know, just then. Anyway, he kept going, oh, my shoulder's sore. My shoulder's sore. I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday. I still worked out for four hours today, but my shoulder's sore.

He ended up finding out that he had technically broken his neck. He had a broken neck. And the doctor's like, it's not your shoulder. It's your neck and it's broken. So it was like probably pinching a nerve and the nerve was hurting his shoulder right but he's he's just these guys are so tough in real life that um is to him oh sore shoulder yeah what does people give a fuck about wrestling anymore oh yeah they still do right it's still very popular unbelievable i keep seeing like cm punk and all these people and pictures and videos. What's crazy is that

most people don't know this, but Monday Night Raw for example, which is the premiere weekly show. Someone's a wrestling fan. Yeah, but it's been number one on Monday. It's held Monday nights forever. How the fuck do you know this and why the fuck do you know this? That's what I'm saying. What's going on here, Tony?

When I was a kid, I was into wrestling. So was I, and then I grew up. Oh shit yeah i can't believe you went there me too and i still like wrestling he still has pubic hair dude stop being an asshole i don't i haven't watched wrestling what you're doing is cyber bullying right now no i'm just i've been giving him a hard time because they all had like a wrestling party and i was like there was we our buddy got wrestlemania and he has a giant screen and it's funny too you know we all did you guys take your clothes off yes right did you reenact the moves with lube yes on your mouth hey what do you think about this uh cispa thing the bill that

passed the house it's fucked up it's crazy scary if you guys don't know about it the house of representatives passed cispa which is the Cyber Intelligence Sharing and Protection Act, by a 288 to 127 vote. That's crazy. And it's – the idea is supposedly that it's meant to enhance national security by facilitating the sharing of electronic information between like this – I'll quote it. Between say a private company and the government this is a story from mediate.com and um the way they describe it is that if uh the government like say if um a private company in the government deemed threatening the bill's opponents maintain it'll make sharing of personal private information far too easy.

So this, I guess the idea is, what is, what is the, the main, the main idea about behind this bill is that they're going to be able to see every website you've ever visited. Every website will have, we'll be able to share the information of different people that have gone to them. Is that what it is? the information of different people that have gone to him. Is that what it is? You know, I have no idea what the exact specific thing is,

but yeah, it seems like that's what everyone's talking about. But can it be vetoed by Obama? I don't know, because he didn't veto the NDAA. You know, I mean, Obama is a hilarious kind of situation because he's super intelligent. He's half black. He's, you know, from a single parent household. But he still like votes just like the Republicans do. And he still does stuff that the Republicans did.

Like, it's really strange. It's like if he was a white guy, people would be fucking furious. If he was a white guy of privileged background and he made the choices that he's made as far as bailing out the banks, as far as passing the NDAA, not vetoing it. All these different things that have happened. The drones. All these different things that have happened while he was in office. If he was a white guy of privilege, he would be getting crucified. It's fascinating. It's almost like the perfect plan like if you were a military strategist and

you were trying to take over the company you would do it with a situation like that you wouldn't just go get some super elite rich guy you would get some guy who you would associate automatically with progressive liberal sensibilities and then you do all that creepy shit right under everybody's nose it's really interesting his big slogan was change and looking back on it now it's like well he changed a little the you know drone attacks went from 50 up to like 300 changed a lot in pakistan it's not funny, but fuck, man. I don't know. It just seems like if he really could change things,

if he really could influence this society, how's the time to do something? Instead of just these speeches, sort of reactionary speeches dealing with each and every issue, whether it's Sandy Hook or whether it's this Boston thing, like, I wonder what, if anything, could be done to sort of enact a change in a culture, a plea for a change in a culture. And if anybody could do that, it's got to be the president.

And the president addresses, he does these national speeches where he addresses policies and he addresses national affairs as far as security affairs and threats and various things along those lines. But what this country really fucking needs, as far as security affairs and threats and various things along those lines. But what this country really fucking needs, they need a different, not a different person, but a different mantra. We need a new way of looking at things. We need a speech.

We need something that gets people believing. We need an I have a dream. That I have a dream, Martin Luther King's speech, to this day that shit resonates. No one's doing the I have a dream today. Everyone's doing the we're all going to get along and change and hope and make it more affordable and health care for everyone and gay marriage. Yay. But no one has a speech about uniting humanity and getting us to understand that our lives really are truly only better when people around us lives are better as well. And that united, there's enough resources for everybody. There's enough love for everybody. There's enough resources for everybody there's enough love for everybody there's enough enough health for everybody there really is it's just the current system and the current ideology that we have is not based on the reality that we're in expiring life form

and that we have a temporary time here on this planet and to waste it not being aware of the the full reality of the situation is a shame and a guy like obama has the opportunity to do that but he doesn't ever say anything like that he never says anything that really inspires people to look at it in a completely different way he never says anything like i think you have to if you're in a position to be the fucking president of the United States, that's a position very few human beings ever get to reach. I mean, maybe he will when he's leaving. Maybe he will once he leaves. Maybe you can't when you're there. I mean, who knows? incredibly restrictive environment and he has no room to free ball and no room to go outside of what they want him to distribute his policy i don't know i mean i don't know what the fuck the situation's like but if this world ever needed someone to speak up and someone to just make some fucking sense someone to make some sense and and and politics, not talk religion, just talk humanity, not talk nationalistic, not talk conflict. Just make some sense.

Well, I guess this is the same bill was vetoed last year by the White House. And it looks like it's one of those things that's just poorly written and everyone knows it type thing. So was the NDAA, unfortunately. It passed really hard through Congress, though. That's the thing is it didn't pass as hard in Congress the first time. Well, I think that a lot of the way the government set up, and I'm obviously not an expert on government, but I know that a lot of the way it's set up is that we have representatives and we can't all be there while policy is being dictated. So our representatives go there and they make sure that everything represents their constituents.

But clearly a better way to do all that is the internet. If anybody needed to be phased out, it's the majority of politicians that are involved in making laws. You could phase – those guys can get all new jobs. Have you seen House of Cards? No, I haven't. I heard it's awesome. This show shows you what's actually happening in Washington. In a real TV show that somebody made up?

Oh, it's unbelievable. It shows you. You realize what they're dealing with, what they're actually doing. And it's all just – Is it awesome? It's all just deals. The show is unbelievable. I mean Kevin Spacey.

I heard he's a bad motherfucker. He breaks the third wall or whatever and just starts looking at the camera telling you what he's thinking in the middle of the scenes. It's pretty sweet. Oh, it's – Does everyone else freeze in the background or freeze like they're playing a game? Sort of pretty much. They're still still. They blur out.

But then it's just him just, you know, he'll be at a meeting table from somebody like, here's what I'm about to do. And they don't know it. But here's how I'm going to do it. Watch this. Oh, wow. And it's amazing. It's really just politicking.

You learn a lot about, you know, even show business and networking overall from how these politicians operate because that's all that they're doing is playing gossip games and texting. It's a broken system, and they're all criminals keeping us from the internet. That's what it is. They're trying to tighten down on this fucking system, and what they don't want to do is admit that this could all be handled way better with voting online. Let's do it that way. Every person has an ID. Every ID is just like your fucking Social Security card. You can only do it once. Boom. And you vote online.

Yep. And when that happens, that's when things will get good. You can't control that, bitch. You can't control that. They'll never allow something like that. They will fight it to the death. That literally might be where the revolution lies, is getting people to vote online. Because they would essentially be giving up all of their tricks that they've been using over the past decades to manipulate how our people are picked how our president's picked how laws are passed all that shit has been manipulated everything should be down to popular vote now yeah isn't that a fascinating idea that they would so try hard they would try so fucking hard to avoid. Yeah, that would be like a real tipping point in this country when we really realize we're being run by vampires.

Oh, yeah. Like how quickly they would fucking shriek into the dark corners of the room when you open the drapes and take a good look at the real scenario. They're not trying to give the people what they want. They're trying to profit off the current system, the current corrupt system as in place. God damn it, Tony, you need to run for president. Right.

You're a clean young man. You can run for president. You're very likable. I could probably pull it off. You think you could? There was a period of time when I was a kid and I wanted to, but. You wanted to be president at one point in time? For a little moment.

Did you fall on your head or something? What made you want to be president? Did you get sick? Were you delirious? No, I thought it was just... I was very, very young. I thought it was glamorous. Did you have the fever? Yeah, the president's fever.

He had the president's fever. You know when we all go through that. Old school and 16 years ago. Lying in your bed, dying. I got obsessed with... There was a period where, as a kid, I was obsessed with the Declaration of Independence and how it came to be.

I remember reading a whole book about John hancock then i started practicing my signature all the time because i was obsessed with john hancock i thought that was so cool that this guy had the balls to be like here you go here i am and i did this who would be the first person to be president that doesn't have the fake president voice who will be the first person that just talks to everybody person who changes the world who doesn't have a way of speaking with long fake pauses what i believe what i believe for you and for me and for our great nation is that we must unite imagine if it is it's so bizarre that fucking guy was over your house like bitch why are you talking like that why are you talking in this fake stupid voice but you get away with that when it's

a big group of people and you're a politician we know that you're talking in the fakest most old school way possible you might as well be in the theater you dummy you might as well be in the theater back when they didn't have microphones when they used to have to shout out their stupid lines imagine a strip club club DJ being the president. Imagine a strip club DJ with no microphones. Coming up to the main stage, it's Diamond. And then a bunch of banjo players behind have the music because you don't have electricity. Today our country had a bomb threat.

electricity. Today our country had a bomb threat. I got more information or more evidence to the poor people that think that I'm in league with the devil. I wore this t-shirt on Fox. It was Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia.

When I ordered the DVD, they found out we talked about it on the podcast, so the people that make it, they sent me these cool t-shirts. and one of them was that famous picture of Nixon meeting Elvis, with his shaken hands, but they replaced Elvis' head with Jesco White and Nixon with the devil

himself, and it says like the devil himself, Jesco, and I wore it on Fox, and I got like a hundred tweets going, what the fuck are you wearing on TV? I didn't even think about it, but for a good portion of this knucklehead country, if you have a shirt on that has a devil's face and it says the devil, like these dummies actually think that you like you're down with the devil, like the devil.

That's where we draw the line in this kooky country. Even, you know. Even religious people. You can say that you believe in God. You're allowed to say that God talked to me. I saw a guy say that the other day. It didn't even bother me. There was a guy that was in Austin, Texas. There was a guy that was at a red light and he was begging.

He had a cardboard thing out. And a guy in the car rolled down the window and said, hey, man, God just talked to me and told me I should give you this. And he gave the guy 20 bucks. That doesn't bother me. But if the guys rolled down that window and said, Hey man, I was just speaking to Satan. And he thought you could use this to party with. You're not talking to Satan. Anybody believes in Satan is an asshole. Like you're allowed to believe in God. But if you say you believe in Satan, everybody tells you to go fuck yourself. You have to be, like, way deep in cuckoo for Coco Pops

to actually believe in Satan. To believe in the bad guy, I mean. Yeah. Have you ever met someone who actually believed in Satan and you didn't know that they believed in Satan until you got to know them?

And then you're like, ah, shit. I feel like I've met a couple people that really wanted to be different and like, couldn't pull it off though. You know, they don't have the commitment. I met a girl once and, uh, she was with her sister and it was total innocent conversation. You know, nothing, nothing crazy got said. It was total normal. And she brought up something. I think it had to do with gay marriage. I think it had to do with that. And it was total normal and she brought up something i think it had to do with gay marriage

i think it had to do with that and it was something about a bill being passed and i mean this is many many years ago so my memory's a little foggy but i do remember this whatever the controversy was she said she goes it's not god's way and i said i remember like stopping and like all of a sudden going whoa what what happened with this conversation? Like, what did you just say? It's not God's way. Like, how do you know what God's way is? Do you really talk to God?

Like, where are you getting this from? And she goes, oh, that Satan's, his scales have covered your eyes. She actually said that to me. His scales have covered, and I'll never forget me looking at her and her sister and going, damn, you crazy bitches. And the girl was, she was so pretty too. Like, oh my God, she's beautiful. She was like Latin or something like that. And I was like, oh, you crazy bitches.

Well, you guys take care. I was like, we can't even talk. You really think that like Satan has scales and he puts them over your eyes? We have so much work to do here. Like, I'm not taking on this project. Like to just, just to communicate with you and get you to a point of rational, objective thinking would take three, four mushroom trips, right? Have you heard of a guy named Peter Popoff? He's a pastor.

He's a televangelist, guys. What did he do? Blow somebody? I saw him the other day. I watched – I was sleeping on the couch and I woke up and he had one of those shows on, paid shows, commercials. And I was amazed what woke me up because I was kind of like half listening to it while I was sleeping. What was amazing is how the things that they say in it, it just seemed illegal. Like they were like, oh, we're going to send you some miracle water.

This water is miracle water. You're going to open up these envelopes. And then they start showing like testimonials of people and they're like, you know, I sent in my, or I read the letters. And then just a week later, I got a new house and a car. And then the next person was like, I got $200,000. And then this other woman was like, a guy just walked up and gave me a check for $15 million. And it was, it was like the most fake shit ever. And so then I started really researching this guy. And there's all these videos about him online. I guess he's been ripping people off for a long time.

And one of the best videos is one where he just goes up and he goes, where's so-and-so? So-and-so is here. Like, let's say, Tina. Tina Fey. Where are you at? And then she comes up and goes, I heard you have arthritis. And you're here because you want to get rid of this arthritis and stuff like that. And the whole time his wife is just pumping information.

Yeah, there was a whole show. She had a thing on. It was on one of those 2020s or something like that. Yeah. I know we talked about this in the past. Have we? I'm pretty sure. Maybe it was on another podcast.

But I was amazed that he's still allowed to do this. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that guy. Dude, dick. Name one that's not. It's almost like it's so ridiculous.

It's like the most ridiculous hustle ever. It's like who are they tricking? The only people they're tricking are like – they're almost like mentally challenged. Oh, yeah. People with no hope. Just robots. When you're down to being convinced that there's a miracle water out there that is going to come in the mail via the postal service and it's going to – It's going to change your fortune.

Right. Yeah, that's the one – one of these things somewhere along the line. They used to ask for donations, but then somewhere along the line they realized that they could sell things. And they started like selling like holy water and selling like prayer services and and and telling people that you would plant a seed so if you like spend 90 dollars your last 90 dollars it would come back to you in tenfold the bible says they would come out with some crazy fucking what's that um that guy crifalo dollar he's my favorite because he's got a dollar in his name i mean you're a pastor and your fucking name is dollar what's your real name He's my favorite Because he's got a dollar in his name I mean

You're a pastor and your fucking name is Dollar What's your real name? They all have weird names Peter Popoff Have you ever met any other Popoffs before? This guy's gotta have a different real name though He must have a real name What's his real name?

Wow his real name is Creflo Augustus Dollar Jr Wow That's his real fucking name. He's got a Bachelor of Science in Education. He's out there talking shit, smacking people. My favorite, Robert Tilton, you know who he is? You've probably seen him. There's a viral video of him farting. He talks in tongues a lot on our show, too.

He'll go... him farting like he's like he talks in tongues a lot on a show to you go summer my luck a chocolate amala who am I like who no my chin am I la it's hilarious see if you can pull up Robert Tilton talking in tongues because it's some of the most ridiculous shit ever but one I'll never forget this one thing they said he said every time you write a check to me Satan gets a black eye Wow but but doesn't part of you think that if you're dumb enough to to send him that money like so what so a guy got you with the dumbest trick of all time like you really thought that money was going to god you really thought that money was going to give the devil a black eye if you really thought that you you're fucking stupid i'm not looking

after you right one of the things that this peteroff does, he also sends you a barley cake from the Bible where it's like kind of like the little bread you eat. And he goes in this commercial, he goes, and we make it with the exact ingredients that they say in the Bible and blah, blah, blah. But then if you look up Ezekiel 412 in the Bible, it says, and you should eat it as barley cakes and bake it using fuel of human waste. Fuel of human waste? Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. No, it doesn't. You want to bet? Please pull the quote up. Type in Ezekiel 4.12. Okay, hold on. E-Z-E-K-I. Hold on, hold on. E-Z-E-K-I.E-L. E-L. 420? 412. 412. Yeah, you're thinking about the weed law. Ezekiel 412.

It's been a long time since I read up on my good old Ezekiels. So this is all new to me. Bake it with dung that cometh out of man in their sight. Hold on a second. So he's saying the ingredients are cooked with shit. Oh my god. And thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man in their sight. Well it's in the Bible.

It's in the Bible. Why don't you need to study the Bible and cook your bread with shit? Have you ever tried my poo poo barley cake? Can you fucking imagine how dumb people are? That really hurts my brain. Do you know Ezekiel? Ezekiel might have been a tripper because Ezekiel was also where the first depictions of UFOs came from. Hey, let me pull that up.

Yeah, Ezekiel was known for – there's a Bible quote that people bring up all the time. Let me see UFO. I bet people were seeing a lot of things after eating a bunch of shit. They're eating fucking shit cakes all day, throwing up, almost dying. It was a wheel within a wheel. It was God's chariot. There was guys with boats

that had all the animals. You think we should prepare the barley cake in a different way? No, no, it's great. I'm trying to find this quote. What a stupid fucking culture. Cook it with shit. Okay, Dad, should I write that down on paper? I put something.

Yes, for thou art my son. Because I got so obsessed with this minister that so when I found that out, I had tweeted something like Olive Garden was like Ezekiel 412 or something like that. And all these people got pissed off that I was doing Bible scriptures. Oh, that's hilarious. Well, if they read that, though. Yeah, if they figured it out. How do you not read that and just start laughing?

You're telling me to cook shit cakes. Fuck. The Bible says cook shit cakes. That's just one more dumb thing in the Bible. Goddamn, I'm so tired of people pretending that book's awesome. I'm so tired. You stop. That shit's stupid.

Okay, here's a quote. And I looked looked and behold a whirlwind came out of the north a great cloud and a fire enfolding itself in brightness was about it and out of the midst thereof as the color of amber out of the midst of the fire okay how's that ufo hmm that's somebody putting two points together that don't go together, probably. Ooh, wait a minute. This, though. Hold on.

Listen to this. Also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance. They had the likeness of a man. Whoa. After eating a branch. And everyone had four faces, and everyone had four wings. And their feet were straight and the sole of their feet was like the sole of a calf's foot.

And they sparkled like the color of burnished brass. What a trippy book. People are like, oh my God, it's so real. I hear God's words when you're saying these things. God is speaking to me through your words. Please read on. And they had the hands of man under their wings

on their four sides. And they four had their faces in their wings. Somebody might have just made all this up and me, like an asshole, is reading these fake Bible quotes shitting all over the Bible. And the aliens. But guess what? I don't care. I'm not reading any further.

It seems like if this is if this really is Ezekiel's, it says it is. God damn it. It's all nuttiness. They walked up with their four faces and they said, why are you guys cooking things in shit? And the living creatures ran and returned as the appearance of a flash of lightning. Now as I behold the living creatures, behold one wheel upon the earth by the living creatures with his four faces. These guys were tripping hard, eating shit cakes. Oh, yeah.

Losing their mind. What grows on shit? Mushrooms. That's right. Leave your shit cakes out. They're covered with mushrooms. Eat your shit cakes. Trip your balls off.

Start talking nutty, man. When those went, these went. And when those stood still these stood and when those were lifted up from the earth the wheels were lifted up that guy is this is glossolalia that guy's just that's word salad that guy's high as fuck he's just rambling high as fuck i saw the same thing in joshua tree one time this is the stuff by the way that they kept in you know i mean think about that like especially in the new testament the new testament they they had to like have like meetings inside editors what's in there

yeah leave this if you look at too crazy if you look at that ezekiel 412 quote now it's totally changed has nothing to do like it's completely different oh they've altered the quote well you know and also it's probably so hard if you talk to a linguist, you know, I talked to a language scholar the other day, ironically enough, for a Bigfoot show. And if you talk to a linguist, they'll tell you that it started off, it was a spoken story for the longest time before anyone even wrote it down. And the Bible, many of the stories in the Bible probably existed before language or before written language. So like a lot of the stories in the Bible also, they're like really similar to the same stories of ancient Mesopotamia. Oh, yeah. And like Sumer and like the Epic of Gilgamesh is like really close to the Epic of Noah's Ark.

It's like it's really like a lot of similarities in a lot of the stories. So they had to write it down. They wrote it down in probably, let's say the first shit was the Sumerians. So they wrote it down in, I think it's called cuneiform or cuneiform. They wrote it down in that, and then eventually it became ancient Hebrew. And then they got to translate it, ancient Hebrew, to Latin, and then it was translated to Greek, and it was translated to English. They had to fuck it up

in a lot of ways along the way. You're dealing with some wacky ass languages. How many people even exist that know how to convert all that shit? A lot of languages are lost. When they go over the Dead Sea Scrolls is the real trip factory.

Read some of the shit that's in the Dead Sea Scrolls. The Dead Sea Scrolls are the oldest trip factory. Read some of the shit that's in the Dead Sea Scrolls. The Dead Sea Scrolls are the oldest version of the Bible by far, by almost a thousand years, I think. And it was found in a place called Qumran in these caves in the side of a mountain, like the side of a hill. And these caves have these clay pots and in them were these, they're literally made out of animal skins.

And it's the oldest stories of the Bible bible and it's all trippy fucking shit it's all you read it and you go it makes ezekiel sound normal right and it's so nutty that even though it's the oldest version of the bible they're very resistant to uh release it and they like to say well we're going to revise the bible now according to dead sea scrolls. They're like, you know what? We've been reading this for a while. Maybe we need to fucking just bury this bitch. That's where that guy, John Marco Allegro,

who's the Dead Sea Scrolls guy. He was like the head translator for the Dead Sea Scrolls. He said the whole thing was about mushrooms. He wrote a book called The Sacred Mushroom and the Cross. He was the only scholar on the whole Dead Sea Scrolls committee that was agnostic. He was an ordained minister. But then in studying theology, he realized it was horseshit.

You leaving, boo-boo? Yeah. Say goodbye to the people. Bye, guys. We're going to wrap this up soon. Anyway, we've got to get out of here too. I've got to go see the premiere of Sirius, the Dr. Stephen Greer documentary, where he reveals the truth about the tiny little alien baby

and whether or not it came from the planet Uranus. Will you please text me immediately or live text me during it? I need to know what's going on with this little alien. I will text you, but it is a show only for you. I will save the rest of it for when we talk on air. So do not expect live tweets or spoilers. I'm fascinated.

I actually talked to a really cool guy today at a video game company that saw it last night. He said it was really interesting. So I'm going to get high as fuck. And we're going to see what's up. Later, buddy. See you tomorrow man George St. Pierre tomorrow so this Dead Sea Scrolls

this guy, John Marco Allegro said after like 14 years of studying that the entire Christian religion was really about fertility rituals and mushrooms it was about tripping balls on psychedelic mushrooms and it was about fertility treatments.

Or fertility festivals. And that they would. Fertility rituals. And that becoming pregnant was the most important thing. Keeping a baby alive was really difficult. And becoming pregnant. And having a child was the most important thing. And they all looked forward to it.

There was a serious urgency to having children. Because people were fragile you know and they also knew a lot about the indigenous psychedelic plants and especially uh the what they think the amanita muscaria mushroom he thinks was one of the big ones and that these people just didn't want anybody else to know about it so they hid their stories they hid them in in parables, and they hid how they, what their history of the use of this stuff. Really interesting stuff, and I'm way too stupid to understand whether he's right or whether the other people are right. But the guy is a legit scholar.

He's not a stoner. He's not like one of those guys that's trying to justify mushroom use. There is something, the times that I've tried mushrooms, in which I know it sounds stereotypical, but I really think there is something the times that i've tried mushrooms in which i know it sounds stereotypical but i really think there's something there i mean there's like definitely beyond science and rationale and what i've been told to expect in this and that there's something there's something extra wild about them and uh you know nothing's really that great as when you can really enjoy that yeah and um and it makes for everything i mean luckily you know they're finally coming out with these studies that are showing what it's doing for depression and anxiety and it's it's a supernatural um

cure at times for people even with what they called – what do they call it when it's a lifelong diagnosis? Chronic depression. People have bounced out of it when they thought that they were going to be miserable for the rest of their lives. It's like, oh. It's a real consciousness reset button. A real one. A real one. Not just like bowing your head and pretending you feel better.

It's real. It's legit. Listen to some of the shit that's in the Dead Sea Scrolls. By the way, there's people that are working really hard to try to turn that around. It was like the John Hopkins study. And my friend Aubrey was just at MAPS, the psychedelic meeting, whatever the hell it is. I forget what the – what does that stand for? MAPS.

What does it say? Let me see. MAPS, psychedel is. I forget what the, what does that stand for? Maps. Let me see. Let me see. Maps psychedelic. I should know because they're doing a lot of really good work and letting people know like they're an interdisciplinary association for psychedelic studies. And you know, they're, they're hitting them with hard science over and over and over again and showing how many people it could be beneficial for, which by the way, and a lot of the people that are trying to hold it back, those people that are trying to hold it back, it would be beneficial to them as well. So people don't understand is that your desire for your resistance to psychedelics is the very reason you need psychedelics in the first place.

If you really understood what you were resisting, like you're really holding God back. You really want to believe in God? Take six grams of mushrooms. You'll see them. You'll really party with them. You really want to believe in God? Take six grams of mushrooms. You'll see them. You'll really party with them. You'll hang out with them. Do DMT. You'll meet God for sure.

It sounds crazy. It sounds like an idiot saying it, and I agree. It sounds like an idiot, and it's me. I agree with you. But I think it's probably exactly what Ezekiel was talking about in that story. I bet he was tripping his balls off. Oh, yeah. He had some crazy psychedelic experience.

He probably ate some mushrooms or, you know, the Moses burning bush. Scholars to this day, actively in Jerusalem, there's a movement for scholars to recognize the possibility that Moses was on psychedelic drugs. And that's one of the reasons why it's all a burning bush. Like one of the big bushes that they all a burning bush like one of the big bushes that they that they associate with that area is the acacia tree the acacia bush rich in dmt and if that if that i mean if that if they figured out how to extract that shit and smoke it burning bush is right there yeah he met god he found out the 10 you know it sounds like what

god would say if you're high on dmt. All those 10 commandments, they sound pretty right. Yeah. Don't fuck your neighbor's wife. Don't kill anybody. Be nice. Yeah. It sounds like what DMT would tell you. Like it literally is exactly what DMT would tell you translated to the filters of time of thousands of years of various languages. But if some guy had some breakthrough experience back then, I was trying to enlighten all the people around him. That's what he would say. I came back from God gave me this message and then over x amount of years of idiots talking about it would no no no he wrote it on stone tablets well how did he know it was god's word well did god gave him giants don't mean when people exaggerate and tell stories of course good a thousand years of people explaining what happened they're gonna fuck it up and butcher it.

It just makes sense. What was the name of that Mel Brooks movie? It's one of my favorite scenes in comedy history when Mel Brooks is playing Moses and he comes around the corner with three tablets and goes, My Lord, I give to you these 15 and he drops one. These Ten Commandments. Yeah. So funny. This is a fucking fascinating these quotes i mean again i can't tell you if uh these quotes are really from the actual dead sea scrolls but it's uh

it's really wild crazy shit it's it's just hard to understand how you translate things to English because it's not, you're also trying to like display the intent with a completely different style of communicating, you know? Like the style of communicating that they had back then

is probably so alien to us, like socially. And so they try to alter it to get it to fit into how we feel they would communicate if they lived today. I'm like, oh, God.

Many will attempt to steal your crown and rob you of your joy, but they can never succeed because of my presence with you. What you have hidden in the deep recesses of your heart can never be removed by the enemy of your soul. heart can never be removed by the enemy of your soul maintain a strong faith in me and my word and you shall never perish but enjoy life everlasting which i have provided you that sounds like a cult leader it sounds like a dude who's trying to get his dick sucked and he knows where all the gold is yeah life everlasting that's a hard promise to keep who knows is that's what it's really said, though. That's the really fascinating stuff about all this really ancient shit. It's like piecing together the past so fucking hard to figure out what anybody really said. Like this stuff that I've been telling you about this Dan Carlin's hardcore history that I've been listening to for the past couple of months.

They don't even know what Genghis Khan looked like. They don't know what he looked like. They don't know what he looked like. They don't know where they buried him. They don't have any direct quotes from him. They have quotes from people that met with Russian historians, emissaries and diplomats that met to demand things before the Mongols descended upon them. They don't know shit about this upon them i read a thing about that

exactly that they hired like 50 people to bury genghis khan and then they hired a hundred people to kill those 50 people so that nobody knew where he was buried and then they hired 500 people to kill those 100 people to kill the 50 people in case any of them told them a thing. And they would just ambush these groups of people that were under their own command in order to protect the secret of Genghis Khan. They're bad motherfuckers. They were willing to take it to a level that human beings today can never conceive of. That's all I do now is I absorb all these – this history is unbelievable. It's amazing. And now with the internet, you can go nonstop, tangent to tangent to tangent.

You can forget what originally got you there. Next thing, you could just be on the different scope of the universe. For some reason, tragic events of 12 AD don't bother me as much as Boston of 2013. I stopped reading about the Boston tragedy. It's like I don't want to – I'm hearing about this guy lost his legs and these people were permanently injured and this person died and it's so depressing. But for whatever reason, I can read about Genghis Khan or listen to this audio tape about Genghis Khan. It doesn't bother me. Yeah. Yeah. the evolution of things. It's hard to get all the way clear after a thousand years ago, the Mongoloids were killing tens of thousands. It's not the Mongoloids.

Wait, what was it? The Mongols. Oh, whatever. You can't say whatever, man. They'll come get you. Genghis Khan is like their hero. I mean, imagine that's a guy that's in your past. You know, we talk about what did your ancestors do?

Oh, really? My answer was Genghis Khan. My ancestor killed everybody. Because Genghis Khan fucked so many people that he's responsible for like a giant percentage of the DNA in that area.

Like he's in something like 5% of his DNA is in some... I just made that number up, by the way. I'm not even going to Google it, okay? Because it's not that fucking important. What am I, a historian? Go look for yourself, you fucks.

But if you want to find out, get that Dan Carlin's Hardcore History. I can't recommend it enough. The guy puts a tremendous amount of work into these podcasts. I really respect his work ethic. I'm fucking fascinated by it, man. Genghis Khan was a motherfucker, dude. You know what I'm saying, Tony Hinchcliffe? Oh, yeah, definitely.

So what's next for you, buddy, except besides Wednesday night at the Ice House? Can't wait for Wednesday night. With Burt Kreischer and Tommy Segura and Brian Redband. Jesus, Louises. I love it. I'm very excited. We're going to have some fun. What else is going on for you?

You still working on Jeff Ross' show? Yeah, we're in between seasons right now. Hopefully season three will be released soon. The Burn on Comedy Central. And you're one of the writers over there. Yep. So if you see something really offensive, most likely, that guy wrote it. You know who did it. Tony Hinchcliffe. He doesn't give a fuck. Even if I didn't

write for it, I fought for it to be on the show. He's born gangster. Look at him. Look at him. It's true, I am. He does not give a fuck. Came out here from Ohio to make it in the dark world. It's true. You from Columbus? Originally from Youngstown in a fuck. Came out here from Ohio to make it in the dark world. It's true. You from Columbus?

Originally from Youngstown, an Italian city between Chicago and New York. I know where that is. I did comedy there. I did comedy in this club. Yeah, the Funny Farm. Yeah. And they had, there's a, the stage was in the back and there was a disco in the front. And the disco was like, well, it wasn't the highest end this guy you

know that a holiday and yeah yeah and it was like all this music was playing every time the the back door would open you would hear and then it would close and then you go back to your act it would be like literally this quiet and the door would open so it was just constant open and shut and to pee you had to go that way i think yeah i might have made that up too no that i remember it wasn't a good gig that club was uh notoriously um like not really did you ever do it no never never started out here so do you want to go back to just let everybody know i went back a couple times when i first started and uh did pretty big shows at a different bar.

But, uh, that was at a bar. Oh, you just did like you booked your own thing. Yeah. Look at you, you fucking stud. Yeah. Who'd you do it with? Did you bring somebody? It was just me actually.

Just you by yourself? Yep. I have, I have a lot. You're a savage. Yeah. I have a big, uh, good, great group of friends back in Youngstown. How much time do you have altogether? a good great group of friends back in Youngstown.

How much time do you have altogether? Well, altogether it's weird because no matter what I'm trying to do, I always go off on tangents and whatever. So it's always I have to end up doing less than my goal anyway. That's a good problem to have. Yeah. Yeah, it is. You get that problem when you do a lot of comedy.

Yeah. You've got to do a lot of comedy. I can't wait. You're constantly on stage. Yeah. How many days a week are you going up? Every night. That's how you do it, buddy. Some nights, like last week, I had a couple nights where it was three shows in one night.

Damn. Just flying around, just doing it. Isn't it amazing when you do that? Because comedy becomes part of your DNA. You know? It really gets in that groove. It's hard to do. It's hard to do.

Oh, yeah. I find I balance. I like to do that. I never like to do it's hard to do oh yeah i find uh i balance i like to do that um i never like to do every night i like to do like three or four nights a week then i like to take nights a week off and not even think about comedy and just write where i don't i don't even i don't even entertain the idea of going on stage i just go over ideas you know and i find that there's like for me i can't just always be going on stage. It's like a lot of time has to be spent, especially now, working on, I don't know, like my sixth or seventh hour or something like that. All the time I put out specials and shit. It's like I have to figure out like new angles and new points of view and not even necessarily new points of view but new subjects, new different things that interest me, new points that I have.

And I feel like I don't just get that if I just go on stage a lot. I have to spend a lot of time doing other shit. And I think about that actively now, whereas when I was younger, I didn't really think about that actively. Like I would just try to write, just try to come up with new bits. But now I make myself do things so that cool stuff will come out of them. I'll have interesting stuff to talk about. It was very soon after I started stand-up.

Within the first couple weeks, I found a book that Stephen King wrote called On Writing. Yeah, great book. Unbelievable because it's – obviously, it's not a fiction. He's just talking about his work ethic of writing. He's like, I don't think I'm a writer if I take a day off. What am I? Then I'm just some guy. And so I started applying that during the day.

And I figured, you know, on top of writing my own standup, if I keep up this habit of writing for a few hours every day during the day, then it'll get better. And it did, sure enough. You know, luckily I'm a member of the Writers Guild now. Yeah. Working on the show and everything so the habit was uh really it was that book that gave me the confidence because you're listening to stephen king you know what i mean yeah one of the best at what he does so one of the best of all time yeah yeah i mean i'm a huge fan of that guy and i just i just have a thing about people that produce stuff yeah i find that like for me one of the most inspirational things is to be

around a lot of other inspirational people yep like when i uh like when i go to a ufc i want to work out you know after i come home i want to fucking work out like crazy when i go see comedy i want to write yeah i think that's that's. Oh, totally. I do that all the time, even with the music that I listen to, going somewhere, getting ready for something, you know, at night, I'll listen to big, powerful music that'll get me, you know, sort of hyped and inspired. A lot of live shows is the type of music that I listen to. And you hear the crowd just, yeah, in these breaks or at the beginnings or at the end of the song and that's the stuff it takes every little bit of mojo one could absorb to be able to kick it back out yeah that's why i really like um music as well i think music is one of the cool things to see

because it's like the energy is putting it it's it's but it's totally different from comedy it's like some new facet it's a new energy some new thing and like when i listen to a song like some songs there's like something about it like like there's a lyrical quality to like writing in songs that i started to realize somewhere along the line is applicable to comedy as well like when a joke is written correctly and a joke is has a good economy of words and the right words to describe the right situations. It has like a rhythmic quality to it. And I think that's sort of underestimated or overlooked by a lot of comedians. The impact that that sort of rhythm to the delivery has, the impact of it, I think it's pretty substantial.

Oh, totally. But we don't think about that. We just think about what is funny. But it's not just that. It's like it's funny and it's also good and it's pretty substantial oh totally but we don't think about that we just think about what is funny but it's not just that it's like it's funny and it's also good and it's smooth and it's there's a lot of things to it that make it more enjoyable more interesting to listen to a perfect example of what you're talking about right now with the rhythm and like timing and everything last night i'm hosting at the comedy store it's like 40 comedians everybody that's new and employees after that and then paid regular whatever and in the middle of it a cook the the mexican guy el docho who works the

deep fryer at the comedy store hey man i want to go on stage and barely speaks english at all i mean the impression i just did is making him sound much more american than he is and he he wants to do comedy and i go you know what, man? All right. But it's just going to be two minutes. Okay. This way in case it's, you know, whatever.

Right. But, um, you know, and he goes up, but it was hilarious because nobody could understand a single word, but he was completely committed. And then all of a sudden he's making this noise and you really,

you don't, you don't know, even know what the noise he was making was, but his commitment and his beats with it just, he crushed. He crushed. And all these other comedians that do it every night and look at going up in that room at the comedy store is like, this is it.

I'm going to show them what I would do on The Tonight Show if I was on it tonight. Then you have the guy working the frying pans who nobody understands a word. There's people that spend so much time writing and everything. But there he is. And sure, it's a silly instance. But it was extremely funny.

And if I'm cracking up and the audience is laughing and people – then it's funny. But you know what's really interesting? And he did it without a word. How do you recreate that? And could you recreate that with another audience? Maybe not. do you recreate that and could you recreate that with another audience maybe not and like maybe that would only work in that sort of a really loose situation where it's a comic store a bunch of comedians in the crowd right you want to go up yeah go up and like no expectations right you

know what i mean it's like could you recreate that and become a comedian right it was yeah because you know how that there's that weird realization you have where just because a joke kills in one place it could bomb in another place oh totally and you say it the exact same way yeah and you're like well what the fuck yeah and then you realize well well there's like this doesn't always work like this this is a weird idea i'm throwing out there some people are going to buy into it and some people are not and sometimes it sounds like the greatest joke ever written and sometimes it sounds like you're a fool yeah because sometimes there's something that happened the first time you did it when it worked that you did before that you don't normally do

that you forgot that you did and it worked because of that and i think a good thing for young comics to realize is that that's good it's good all that's bombing and failing and not getting it right it's good oh yeah totally because if you don't have it you're not going to appreciate when it goes well i remember in my first uh few weeks doing it, somebody, a comedian came up to me who, I won't say his name, but he was terrible. And he goes, hey, man, you know, the trick is bomb as often as you can. And I'm thinking to myself, oh, yeah, that's what you would do, you loser. Because that's what you're doing anyway. But looking back on it now.

The trick is to bomb? What was his rationale? Well, he goes, you you know because now's the time to knock bombing out if you know how to bomb now it all it ended up making some sense uh later it was terrible so how did he have such wisdom right exactly somebody must have somebody must have told him that like hey you know look at it this way in a positive sense your bombing good. I don't think bad comedians are funny anymore. It makes me sad. It's funny to you right now because it's so close. Now it's just madness. I look at it.

I just see madness. There's people that you know that are going to try for years and years and years. It's never going to happen. Right. It doesn't exist for them. Yeah. It is creepy, and I've seen it with a few people. And it must be that with anything.

I mean, you watch American Idol and people sing, and you're like, how does this person think they can sing? They're crazy. How does this person think anybody wants to? It must be that if you're a literary agent. I mean, imagine how many people send you stories. You're like, holy fuck, are you reading this nuts fucking work? Come here, read this. What? What is that, Tony? Why are some people so goddamn delusional is there a broad spectrum

of human beings and the amount of voltage your battery puts out and some people are just designed to dig holes i think that the delusion is um you know the delusion needs to be that with tons of work at something you can accomplish it not that the delusion is i can do this it's you gotta everybody that has ever been good at anything worked at it you know what i mean a lot so it's not and they wanted it even if you work at it doesn't mean you're gonna get it especially things like talent things like talent is a weird thing like there's guys i've seen guys that like they train striking like it for mma they train it for years they fucking train it for years but then when it comes to an actually fight they can't pull it off they they just they can't strike with people they can't hit they don't move right they're too slow they're

like for whatever reason it is they can never figure it out and there's other guys you show them a couple moves they look like fucking pros, like instantly. And they'll crush you and knock you out with one punch. It doesn't make any sense. I mean, it's like that guy clearly has a gift. And this guy clearly, no matter how hard he works, he's never going to get there. It's true. It's a weird thing about this life.

Boy, it must be a real curse, a crazy feeling to be one of those guys. It's like trying to pursue something and you're having no success and you can't connect the dots and you can't move forward. Oh man. It's, you know, before anything was happening, you know,

before when I was still not making money and before I was getting past at the clubs in Hollywood and everything, it was extremely low. You know, I was able to keep having fun by surrounding myself around funny friends and everything, but man, was it hard. Yeah, it's depressing. It's depressing as fuck when you're not making it. When you're eating dick out there,

it's hard. But isn't it like a real character builder once you're through to the other side? Oh, yeah. You must be so happy right now. Oh, yeah. You're always smiling and shit. Oh, totally. You're like a professional comedian. Boom. You got through. It's wild. You made it. Yeah. Dude, you fucking killed in Indianapolis. That was a lot of goddamn people. It're like a professional comedian. Boom. You got through. It's wild. You made it. Yeah. Dude, you fucking killed in Indianapolis.

There was a lot of goddamn people. It was 2,000 people out there, and you had to go up cold. Nobody knew who the fuck you were. I love it. Killed. That's great. That's the way I like it. Yeah, the audience loved you.

I love it. A lot of positive tweets, man. People really thought you were funny. Yeah, it was a blast. I listened to the set the next day, i i just couldn't even believe it it was it was really wild because i record all those and the sound and the power of that one was that the biggest crowd you ever worked i think so right right around there i should know but it's it's been right around there with a couple shows the quote that i was talking about this guy phil

elmore he's a writer he wrote this on. It says, a writer never has a vacation. For a writer, life consists of either writing or thinking about writing. And that's Eugene Inoseko. He was a playwright. That's so true. I can't sleep at night if I didn't do something that day. It's not a vacation.

I work my vacation. This is a blast. What would be uncomfortable for me is literally being on an island for a week with no internet and no pen and paper. Well, people that don't understand that, like, you need to relax, Tony. You need to stop working so hard. They don't understand that you're the only person that can make Tony Hinchcliffe jokes. If somebody likes you, you're the only person that makes you. You're theiffe jokes. If somebody likes you, you're the only person that

makes you. You're the only person that performs and you're you. That's it. That's the only Tony Hinchcliffe show around. Nobody else can do it unless they're in Vegas years from now doing an impersonator act. History is the autobiography of a madman. Alexander Herzen.

That's another badass quote that i read today this might be a good way to end this show tony hinchcliffe thank you for being a bad motherfucker thank you so much coming along and and uh being one of those guys that i can enjoy enjoy your comedy man so happy to be part of it it's uh happy to have you welcome that's quite squad, bitch. All right. Thanks, everybody, for tuning into the podcast. Tomorrow, we will be back with the greatest

welterweight champion in the history of mixed martial arts, Georges St-Pierre. My friend joins us. And people say, what do you do to Georges St-Pierre

impression in front of him? Only with Georges' blessing. I don't know what the fuck that means. Tony, help me out here, buddy. Pick up the slack. Pick up the slack, Tony. You mean Georges St-Pierre is going to be sitting in this chair tomorrow?

Don't rub your dick on it. Oh, my gosh. You son of a bitch. Thanks to Squarespace.com. Go to Squarespace.com forward slash Joe and sign up. Use the offer code Joe4 and save 10% off your first purchase on new accounts, you dirty fucks. Thanks to Audible.com. Go to Audible.com forward slash Joe,

and you will get one free audio book and 30 free days of Audible service. Thanks also to Ting. I can't talk. What is it? Rogan.Ting.com or something like that? Update. Hold on.

I'll tell you in a second. Ting. Yeah. Rogan.Ting.com. Go there tell you in a second. Ting. Yeah. Rogan.ting.com. Go there, you fucks. And save $25, I think. Yeah. $25 off of either a phone or service.

And they're an awesome company. And they're very nice to us. And they don't mind when we make really shitty commercials like this. Thanks to everybody else. Thanks to Onnit. Use the code name Rogan. Save 10 o-n-n-i-t off any of the supplements and uh that's it ladies and gentlemen um i apologize for my brain being mush lately i've been working a lot on this other show as well as doing this and uh i feel it i feel

it tony i'm feeling a little stupid help me out buddy, buddy. May 3rd, 4th, and 5th, San Fran, Sacramento, the Death Squad shows. Tony Hinchcliffe in the house, bitches. That's it. All right, folks. We will see you tomorrow. We love the shit out of you. And Godspeed. Big kiss. Thank you.