The Joe Rogan Experience - #352 - Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 24, 2013

Joe sits down with Tom Segura. Special appearances by Bert Kreischer & Joey "CoCo" Diaz.

Hey! Whoa, we forgot where you were. Yeah, I did. Yeah, this is the original spot, and in the original spot, now known as Death Squad East. Death Squad East has cats, and for some reason, Brian has decided that Death Squad West is primate-based. It's all monkeys and scary things. Live ones too, right? Well, the studio itself definitely has a different feel. You know, with the werewolf, when you walk into the place. That's an extraordinary feel. That thing's awesome. It is awesome. It's the coolest thing I've ever bought in my life. Powerful Pat McGee, guy from Pat McGee Special Effects, he makes them. You can order one, any can order one. Before you

got married, your house would have at least seven of those in there it's so different when you live with a chick man they start moving your shit around putting pictures of your kids on the wall and i used to have chimps up all over my house if you went over my house when i was a single man i'm not gonna do i used to have pictures of chimps everywhere and sculptures too yeah yeah weird sculptures weird shit yeah like literally you'd walk around his whole entire house and there'd be a monkey or a chimp every five steps. There'd be a different picture. Really?

One eating a tiger, one having sex. No, we saw chimps eating tigers. But I got them like chasing after things. For how long were you rocking that though? Oh man, I've been obsessed with chimpanzees since I was a baby. So even like teenager style you were doing? Oh yeah, I've always been obsessed with apes. Obsessed with them.

I find them fucking fascinating. My production company's name is Talking Monkey Incorporated. Oh yeah, yeah, sure. That was in like 1988. And that was a line I stole from a movie

with, what the fuck was that dude's name? I forget his name. Wait, you don't believe me. God, Harmon, Mark Harmon? The thing that was his? He had a funny movie, like a summertime movie.

Mark Harmon, okay. It was like Summer School or some shit like that. Yeah, Summer School. He was like the teacher of Summer School. And he said to a guy, if you lose one more brain cell, you'd be a talking monkey.

And I remember that all of a sudden put in my head the idea of a talking monkey. Like, how stupid would a person have to be? If we really did evolve, how far back would we have to go until we became a talking monkey? You know what I mean? What is that? And so that became, I mean, that was my initial obsession. But that's why I named my company Talking Monkey Incorporated. I can see how an obsession with monkeys develops.

They're so fascinating, man. If they didn't exist, we would be tripping the fuck out. If someone showed you, if there was no chimpanzees, and all of a sudden we found chimpanzees somewhere, we'd be like, holy shit. Look at them. They're looking at you. They're thinking.

Oh, my God, they're using tools. Holy fuck, look at this. This're looking at you. They're thinking, oh my God, they're using tools. Holy fuck. Look at this. This is like a window back in time. This is like the fucking sensory deprivation tank in altered states. We can see our past. I mean, you literally can see your past. Yeah.

I mean, somehow or another. I don't understand evolution scientifically. Behaviorally, there's no question. When I talk like this, people said, well, you really don't understand how evolution works. Okay, I appreciate that, but I think you can reasonably extrapolate that if people exist, and then there was some early people. There was like, you know, homo whatever. There was like a bunch of different homos.

Yeah, lots of homos. Homo Australopithecus, I think, Australopithecus. There was that one too our direct you know ancestors that they believe it's like somehow or another we had to be like more primitive it wasn't like we just started out like like close to a human no there were some steps along the way you fuck okay and i think it's not unreasonable to look at chimpanzees and say even though that's not our step along the way it's from a different branch of the same tree the same primate tree i think you can reasonably extrapolate that there's not our step along the way, it's from a different branch of the same tree, the same primate tree,

I think you can reasonably extrapolate that there's something very similar to the way they are that we probably were, you know. At least we can put it together, them and orangutans and bonobos. We can mix them all together and try to figure out what the fuck we were like. There's different models that have to come along before humans.

Fuck yeah, there has to be. There's a C class, and there's an E class, and then there's an S class, you know? You know what? Fuck commercials for this podcast. I don't feel like doing any commercials.

This is like a podcast that came out of nowhere. We didn't even see this coming, Tommy Bunz. We put it together last minute. So, no commercials. Suck it.

Suck it, please. Move on. And let's just get going. Brian Redband, working the mic, rocking the discs, turning the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day ladies and gentlemen tommy buns now this podcast may be the first podcast that serious ever plays where you get the full podcast oh seriously they don't have to edit it because we don't have a commercial in it oh that's great so people don't know is that um i'm financially irresponsible

and uh i i'm not that good at advertising shit right and a lot of times when we do our podcast the advertisements may take as long as 20 minutes because somewhere in the advertisements you know brian callum might bring up some crazy fucking book that he read and all of a sudden we're on this wild journey or duncan trussell blows your mind with a certain thought in the middle of a commercial talking about something and now yeah you're off on a tangent path but a lot of that shit never makes it to serious satellite radio. I even think, isn't the show like an hour long too? Like they just edit it down to an hour or something? Probably.

I don't know. But it's awesome that they put us on there. I'm happy to be on there because it's Opie and Anthony who are my friends. And it's just a good group of humans. You know, they're good guys. Jim Norton's a great guy. I love being associated with those guys. You know, those guys, I'm down for them.

Everybody seems good. They're my friends. It seems like a good crew, man. They're great guys, man. Anthony's a beautiful human being. Opie is a fucking awesome guy. They're awesome. Jim Norton is one of my favorite humans ever.

Yeah. So it's like all of them together. We have some great conversations. They're not dumb guys by any stretch of the imagination, even though I disagree with some of them ideologically like sometimes i disagree with anthony he's like real strong like right-wing republican but he's also i believe in a lot of things that he believes in there's a lot of shit that i believe in especially like the gun control issue you know i'm i mean he's a bit extreme you know he's he's a gun nut, and he has guns all over the place. He loves guns, huh?

That's all I see. But I honestly believe that when you see these shooting victims and all these different things, this is not a gun issue. It's a mental health issue. It's the ability to do that that should be so alien from our society. And I liken it to a group of close friends okay and this is obviously

an exaggeration it's really hard to do when you're talking about a giant society of people that are never going to get to meet each other but in a group of close friends like us the people in this room okay let's pretend that we were all on a deserted island what are the odds that one of us would become a suicide bomber okay pretty fucking pretty fucking small. Yeah. Right? Pretty fucking small. How does someone become a suicide bomber? How does someone become a guy who could drop a bomb off at a marathon finishing line?

How does someone do that? What the fuck happens to that guy that lets you do that? Because the reality is that there's a lot of shit that can kill people in this world including cars and everyone has cars and if you wanted to kill far more people than this guy did at the marathon you could run over people in your car the reason he did it this way is because he wanted to not be accountable for it he thought he could get away with it sure if this is the you know if you buy the official story alex jones if you buy the official story, Alex Jones, if you buy the official story, ladies and gentlemen.

But if you look at this guy, who they're claiming this guy is that was the older brother, they think he might have committed three murders as well. Three murders outside of this? Yeah. And one night, three people were murdered, and one of them was a close friend and training partner of this guy. And the bodies, cash was left there, and the bodies were covered with marijuana. Wow. Yeah, and this guy was very religious, apparently. And he had become more and more religious in the past few years.

Now, again, settle down, tinfoil people. This is if you buy the official story. I don't know who the fuck this dude was. I'm just reading what I'm getting out of, essentially, almost all news sources seem to be agreeing with these stories, that this guy was super religious. Well, he got kind of radicalized a couple years ago.

He went back to Russia for six months. I say that's when he came back and radicalized, you know. Again, that's the official story. Alex Jones will tell you this is a false flag event, Tommy. What they're doing, they're trying to take away your guns. Well, supposedly he listened to Alex Jones. He was a fan of InfoWars. Of course he was.

Well, maybe he was a fan of InfoWars the way I'm a fan of Sean Hannity. Like, listen, just because it's fucking hilarity. It's funny to watch people twist the narrative like that. It's funny to watch people that are just like so blatantly right wing that they'll just never admit ever that anyone on the left has any idea. It's always any even compliment is said with a smirk that's soon to follow some disparaging remark about who they are. Yeah.

It's never like, oh, Obama's a brilliant man. Or even if it's, even if it's an idea that they were behind. Yeah. There's still a spin on it. It's so, yeah.

It's a, it's a fucking game. They're in a team and they strategize to get that team to win and they do it within the rules but they know

they're full of shit. Like, as they're doing it, you it within the rules but they know they're full of shit like as they're doing it you can hear their voice they know they're full of shit but the game is so screwy it's one of those games it doesn't make any sense like baseball why the fuck do they dress like that look how you're dressed look at what those stupid fucking tights and what is that outfit what is that like? You don't like those socks? They've always dressed like that, goddammit. They're stuck. They're stuck with a stupid outfit back from when people

didn't have newspapers. That's when they made that dumbass outfit. That outfit's retarded. It is a retarded outfit. It's ridiculous. It's stupid as fuck. It puts me to tears

to watch that game. Oh, boy. Well, it's a fun game to play. I'm sure. But getting stuck in that old shit like that that's the only reason why politicians are able to get away with the way they communicate i can't i can't imagine being a person who is into politics like really into it yeah and like you know not be cynical and not be like it's so disheartening to follow politics. To me,

it just, it absolutely like kills the soul. You know what, man, I recognize it as I would kind of become an older man. I recognize it for what it is. It's an act. Right.

You know, and you know why I know? Cause I do an act too. I know what an act is like. I know when I'm doing standup, when I have standup, I'm going to, if you know, if I want to do my best,

what I do is I ad-lib quite a bit, but I also have some key components that I have broken down into pretty specific ways of saying it. Right.

Because that's the best way that has the most response. But I'm trying to tell jokes. When you hear a person give a speech and they have that weird sort of artificial quality to the way they're talking we should reject that yes i completely agree we shouldn't let them do that yeah we should be like

just talk talk like a normal person yeah what are you doing about the budget yeah you know and how the budget yeah it's an important priority of this administration It's Something we think about every day Who the fuck are you? If your guy was talking to you like that You'd be like stop Stop asshole You know who else does that exact speech do? That type of language comes from corporate

Corporate world If you talk to a guy and you're like I had a bad experience at your offices. He'd be like, you know, every time a customer comes into one of our establishments, we want them to have opportunity. We want them to have choices. And you'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about?

That's corporate. That's not how humans can stop. Exactly. But you can hear the training video. You get that sometimes when you go, now when they go, do you want to sign up for the special extra warranty? You go, I don't know. They go, well, you know, when I had my computer a couple years ago, I knocked a bottle of Coke over. I love Coke.

And it left a thing. And because of the warranty, they took care of it. And you're like, that's a a training speech they tell you to make a personal story up and you're like i know you're saying that to me right now it's so corny and happened to you yeah you know that that feeling when someone's lying to you that when you're looking at them and they're just straight bullshitting you and they won't even look in the eye they're looking down looking around and panicking as they bullshit you sure there's the worst is if you know somebody that can do the when you know they're lying and they're not panicking you're

like oh you're a crazy person you're a fucking sociopath yeah that's a weird moment when you're talking to a guy and you're like i'm not sure what i'm not you're playing this game and i'm not wearing a hat right now you know i mean i'm not wearing a hat and you're like okay see it on your head okay i don't i'm not wearing my bed especially if they get in stuck in a bad situation yeah they get stuck in some where they did something douchey you know yep you're like wow crazy people there's those range it's so weird to run into someone who just doesn't see things. It is, man. Like, you see the world and they see a gigantic galactic conspiracy.

Did I ever tell you about this comedian, whoever may name us, who came up to me and just starts showing me pictures on his iPhones? He's like, look at this. And I'm looking at it. It's pictures of clouds. Yeah.

Right? I'm like, I'm thinking, okay, it's beautiful clouds. He goes, look at that. Look at that. And we just keep doing this. He shows me like 10 of these yeah and i go he's an older guy so i'm trying to be considerate i'm like yeah yeah wow pretty cool and he goes you know i've been seeing them for years i go what are they he goes they're alien craft he goes these are ufos um they are

they've been coming in various forms i see them them. I've been taking pictures of them. It's incredible that, you know, no one's paying attention to this. It's, this is a very strange thing. And I'm like, am I in a sketch? I'm like, is he fucking with me? Cause if you know, he's a kind of a silly guy. And I'm like, if he's fucking with me, this would be kind of, and then I realized, oh, oh, wait a minute.

I'm dealing with someone who's got a screw loose. Yeah. There's a screw. It's not, it's not where it's supposed to be. He's not a hundred percent crazy. Like he's very functional for the most part. He's, I enjoyed talking to him. He's a screw loose. Yeah. There's a screw. It's not where it's supposed to be. He's not 100% crazy. Yeah. Like, he's very functional for the most part.

I enjoy talking to him. He's a nice guy. But when it gets to... He'll pull out his fucking iPhone. You got to run. You got to get out of there because you're going to be looking at pictures of clouds

and he's going to tell you about spacecrafts that have been contacting him. Yeah. And it's... But other than that, he's normal. Do you like cheeseburgers? I like cheeseburgers. Yeah. You want to get fries? Yeah. Can you pass me a salt, please? Sure. So what's going on, that, he's normal. Do you like cheeseburgers? I like cheeseburgers.

Yeah. Do you want to get fries? Yeah. Can you pass me a salt, please? Sure. So what's going on, man? How's the road treating you? Like, you have a conversation with the guy.

Yeah, sure. Then if you get into it. I know a guy like that, and it's, you think he's, like, just being, like, kind of a storyteller. He starts telling stories, and you're like, there's a lot of exaggerations in these stories. telling stories and you're like there's a lot of exaggerations in these stories and then you're like um you know he kind of rambles on and on and then he switches topics like real fast to like a whole new story but it's about something like he's like you know i got shot six times and you're like what he's like yeah so i was over i was in the um like uh in south carolina i was going past columbia and i got it and it's a new story that starts, and you're like,

yeah, and then this guy held me, and then we were up in the trees, and then this guy pulled out a 9mm, and he has everything, and you're like, I thought we were talking about fishing or something. And then he goes back to, yeah, when I went, I took a hot air balloon, I bought a hot air balloon company a number of years ago, and I took this money that I got from this investment in mines, and I bought this company that takes hot air balloons up in the air.

It cost me like a quarter million to get the startup going. You're like, what? You make $10 an hour. What are you talking about right now, man? Like, it's just story after story. Oh, my God. Yeah, and I'm like, and then I start kind of like, I don't know what to believe, and then part of it's fun to believe.

And I start to think for a second, I'll stop and be like, are you an improvisational genius? Are you like a brilliant improv guy right now? Is that what's going on? Am I getting played or something? You're getting punked. Yeah, but then there's something you see in the eyes where you're like, oh, I really think there's, maybe I'm talking to somebody who has a form of mental illness. Yes.

And I'm not – it's not the type where it makes you go like, I don't know, like maybe more scared or maybe like sillier. Like it's not – he has all the intelligence, and you can talk about like what should we eat now, and you have a normal conversation about that, and then it goes off into like like, ten different storylines. It's almost like it's not his fault. Yeah, it's not.

It's not at that point. Yeah, I don't know how your brain works, man. You know? I don't. I'm guessing. I always guess. When people act like, why the fuck did you do that? Like, I have to, like, stop myself sometimes and go, I don't know how his brain works.

My brain would process the same scenario in a different way. But maybe his brain would handle some shit, you know, that I can't handle very well. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know how you think. But I know when I see someone who's just not, we're not, there's a missing connection there. Like, I feel like this guy's like, he's missing a whole piece. Right.

Like, what's going on here? Sometimes you can see it from the moment right like you there's some people who oh yeah at the moment you're like but it's scarier when you have long normal conversations yeah before that and then you're like what like has this been there the whole time yeah i've i've talked to people and then like 20 minutes into the conversation, you realize they're crazy. Some people, it takes a little while. Some people, it's like right away. Those are the dangerous crazy. Dangerous crazy have like sparks to them.

You just want to back away from them. Dangerous crazy, they give off an odor. You can't be dangerous crazy unless you have a certain amount of danger to your odor. You just feel weird. You feel weird to be around. Every dangerous dude I've ever known has this intangible odor about them. You're just like, okay, let's get the fuck out of here. Those dudes.

Smells like the cunt farm. Yeah. That's not dangerous. Those are just silly people for the most part. It's just fucked up I feel like that With almost with Super negative people

Like really Like people that It's not good for you To be around Right You pick up on Additional vibes Yeah

You know Like just being around them Yeah you don't know What it is right It's not a smell Yep It's not like they give off heat But if they leave

Yeah Like if you're just meeting them and they leave the room, and like let's say you just brought somebody in, right when they leave, you're like, something's off with that guy. Absolutely. It's usually their eyes for me because I always look people in the eyes for like a second. You can see like the worriness or the friendliness.

Sometimes, yeah. Or sometimes they just smell crazy. I remember Brian Cowan had this chick once, and he brought her over. And I mean, and I'm not bullshitting, within three seconds of meeting her, I knew she was nuts. Really? Yeah, like he brought her over, and they introduced, you know, hey, this is Joe. Joe, this is whatever her name was. And I go, hi, nice to meet you. She goes her name was and I go I go hi

nice to meet you she goes hi and I go come here for a second I go that girl's fucking crazy I go what are you doing he goes what are you

talking about I go dude that girl is fucking crazy I go trust me you gotta get the fuck out of here that fast you knew that fast

I locked eyes with her and it wasn't a nervousness people get nervous if they see people that have been on television sometimes. Yeah, yeah. But that goes away pretty quick once you start talking. Usually they're weirded out, but you can see what the weirded out was.

Right. This was like a crazy person. I was like, what are you doing, Callan? She wasn't bad looking. She was a very attractive young lady. Yeah. But unfortunately, there was something wrong with her mind. And years later, Brian was going into a bar and he ran into her and she was a streetwalker.

Wow. A couple of years later? Yeah. It turned out she was cranked out on meth. And while he was, you you know while he was with her she's like doing meth like it took him a while to figure it out

like exactly what the fuck was wrong with her and he tried to fix her oh really he was doing that and then he gave up on that and then you know he runs into her

and he's going to a bar and she's a street walker he probably cut out the part where he slept with her again just one last time oh my goodness you know he did just one last time. Oh my goodness. You know he did.

Just one last time. I had 20 bucks on me. I'm going to erase any of these scabs. When's your last checkup? I don't want to use a condom. Come on, baby. Not you. Not you.

You're special to me. You always use condoms. Don't lie to me. Every time. Every time. Yeah, she's a hooker, but she always uses condoms. Don't worry, man. She's a good girl, man. Yeah, he's a hooker, but she always deals with condoms. Don't worry, man.

She's a good girl, man. Yeah, he said it was really super depressing. But I smelled her. I don't know what to describe it. I mean, it would suck if I was wrong. She was like the nicest person ever. But I wasn't wrong. She was exactly what I was warning him about.

Danger has a smell. You're dangerous. It's a something. It's a victorious. Oh, my God. What the fuck, cocksucker? Bert Kreischer and Joey Diaz, ladies and gentlemen, they are actually doing a podcast, a live podcast,

which is the perfect spot for it right next door at the Ice House, and they're doing that at 830. And is that going to be on Ustream or anything like that or just on iTunes? Just on iTunes, bitches. Do you smell that? You don't have to see it. It smells crazy in here right now.

Yeah, it smells like... Bert, did you... What's that Victoria's Secret perfume that all the strippers wear? That's what I think crazy smells like. Happy? Yeah. Bert doesn't wear cologne. Is that what you're trying to say?

I don't know. I saw a friend of mine's tweet the other day like, oh, I've got to go shopping for cologne. Ugh. And I'm like, no, you don't. No, you don't ever. Watch out for puppies on the floor. Is that your stripper dog? Yeah.

You're just like those porn stars who just mind about their dogs. Power for Bird Chrysler. Powerful Joey T. George St. Pierre podcast was fucking awesome. Yeah, it was cool i wish he could uh stayed longer than an hour you know i mean that's a long time for most people yeah but

he was super cool to talk to a really nice guy did he so what's the rap does he is my mic on yeah it's on um does he really think he got abducted by aliens yeah he really thinks he got abducted by aliens seriously yeah he um he thinks um that it's possible that ever since he was a little boy, like, he's been missing time. He misses time sometimes. And he thinks it's possible that they take him. And he doesn't want to let that shit out. He doesn't want to talk about it too much. Because we won't start, because fucking Nick Diaz would get a hold of that fucking tariff.

Well, you know what, man? He fights like a fucking alien. Yeah. Joe, did you read, read like what it could be like there's somebody on your message board put like a wikipedia page where it said it could be like the five or six different things and you know one thing there's actually when we were talking about driving on the highway that's actually a condition like highway hypnotism where you just get hypnotized by the highway like the constant like yes uh motion that's motion. And then it also said that, you know, some people said it's aliens,

but I think you should just do the GoPro thing. Yeah, wear a GoPro. Just record yourself. I tell you, what I saw in my eyeballs was not what was on this GoPro. I tell you, I saw a UFO, man. I'm not fucking lying. UFO, come down, man, and take me to another planet. Fucking lying to you.

That's my best George St. Pierre. It was pretty good at first. Did you just roll with him when he says, are you like, that's cool, man? Well, I don't know what the fuck's going on with him. It might be true. Imagine if it was true and I was mocking him. You got to deal with him and the aliens he had a really good point man and it's a point i've heard before but it's still a really good

point he's like imagine if you were a fish and you were in the ocean that was great you are living your life and all of a sudden a man come in with a hook and pull you out of the water and you come back to tell your friend like look i saw a person and there was a plane in the sky they'd be like get the fuck out of here you're crazy that was a really good point too i was on the plane laughing hysterically yeah it's a very good point it's a very good point yeah it is because look we the fact that we exist at all is insane. People with cell phones driving around in their cars, talking to another dude. I do that all the time in my car. I was talking to my friend Tommy.

He lives in Connecticut. We're talking while I'm driving around. Yeah. And in real time. Yeah. And just taking it for granted. Just completely taking it for granted. We're crazy.

It's amazing. Pulling fish out of the ocean with giant nets and shit. And throwing all our shit water in there. Get out of here. Just dumping all our pollutants. Apex predators. We don't give a fuck. We're gangster.

If there's water near us, it's no good. Water in New York? There's no good water. You can't drink any of that. You can't grow fish in any of that. All that water's polluted. We're like, yeah, you know, it's the Hudson. It's the way it is.

It's just the way it is. These fucking animals just throwing glass and shit and piss and tampons and rubbers. And bodies. Bodies. Fucking dead goldfish. People from New York come over to the Jersey side on Sundays. It's like a big day for them. Like, we're going to Jersey on fucking Sunday.

And they go over and they fish and they catch eel and they'll grill them. Oh, what the fuck? It's like a big day for them. Like, we're going to Jersey on fucking Sunday. And they go over there and they fish and they catch eel and they'll grill them. Oh, what the fuck? It's just an eel. It's got meat on it. Trust me, I ate an eel from the fucking Hudson. That's why I ain't scared of nothing. Cancer, they can suck my dick. I ate an eel from the fucking Hudson. I remember we were in Jersey

one time and me and Joe were on a bus headed to the UFC event and I showed him this pond and I said, look at cancer. It was late cancer. It was cancer. Like this pond hadn't moved, had no movement. It had like a layer of this green algae, which really wasn't green.

That's just cancer, bro. You know, New Jersey, they've been dumping shit since the 70s. Yeah. Since the 60s, bro. That's never going to be. What's that word? Irreconcilable? Reconcilable.

No, the other word when you can't reverse. Irreconcilable. Irreconcilable. You can never reverse those things. That soil in New Jersey is gone. We all took a shot at that, bro. That soil in New Jersey is gone. You know, I remember when they built the

meadowlands i remember how many animals all of a sudden i had in my living room because they tore all that down that wildlife and next you know i was seeing i remember one night seeing a possum the size of a small pit bull that jumped on a fucking tree jumped on a fucking tree he saw me you ever You ever see like a possum? You know, like in Jersey. They walk like a fucking ape, those things. When you call the police in Jersey, I got a possum here, they shoot the fucking thing. They shoot the fucking thing.

What does that tell you? They don't shoot snakes. They shoot the fucking possum because they play dead. And then when the cops leave, they fucking get up and they brush them. You could run over a fucking car with them. I would run over them with bicycles and throw rocks at them. They brushed themselves off. What a weird behavioral

trait. They played dead. They fucking played dead. That's where playing possum comes from. Oh, I seen a fucking possum that looked at me one night at like four in the morning. I looked at him. I was like, what the fuck? And he jumped on a tree and went shh. He held onto the tree like a he jumped on a tree and went, shh.

Like, he held on to the tree like a fucking ape in Africa. And I was like, this is fucking mind-boggling. I saw skunks that looked like fucking, like monsters. You know, metal ant, what do you think those skunks, didn't they just, we had this discussion on your show a year and a half ago about in the Bronx, they found a rat that was just amazing. Like it broke all records, the length of it, like two and a half feet. Yeah, it was a type of, I think it's called a Zambian.

Are you fucking kidding me? Zambian something rat. It's not from America. It's a pet. Oh, how about. And they've let, so many people have let these things go. And like how Florida has the python problem, they have this rat problem. It's an invasive species. That's what it is. We let go of one of those pythons in college. Did you really? problem, they have this rat problem. It's an invasive species.

We let go of one of those pythons in college. Did you really? Yeah, we're part of that. Oh, my God. You went to school in Florida, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was the scariest fucking day of my life. We're moving out of that apartment.

And how you move out, and you've got clothes everywhere. And I'm just digging my hands in, and my buddy comes in the room. He goes, oh, keep a lookout for my python. No way. And you're like, that's right. We lost it in the middle of the year. And it just was in our house. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What do you mean we lost it? Okay, we got broken into by these dudes. And we had dogs. Me and my buddy Hartley had dogs.

My buddy Cheese had a python. He put both his dogs. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. We used to fucking torture this dude. Fucking greased up his brakes and went mountain biking one time. Oh, my God.

But we forgot about it. We greased his brakes up and he didn't go. And then two weeks later we go and we forgot we had greased them. Cheese died, man. And he just. You're like, what the fuck? So, yeah, these guys broke into our house and Cheese put our dogs in our rooms. And then they broke into the house and they let the fucking snake out they like fucking broke into the house stole all our shit so you're not totally responsible for it somebody else let the snake out yeah i don't know did you ever uh

diaz did you ever see a banana rat wait a minute how do you know they didn't just steal a snake uh i don't because because she's like i don't know if it's been in there or not the fucking lid was open they looked for it like i don't know. It probably ain't no loss. What kind of assholes are allowed to buy snakes? Any asshole like this. Anywhere. Any responsible dude. Iguanas, savannah monitors. I was into reptiles big time.

You got a pit bull and a... I think that they should give... If you buy a pit bull, you need to take a GED. That's a periclosure for it. They're everywhere now. They should definitely... They're fucking everywhere. They should definitely make you answer questions.

Yeah, they definitely do. I've had them, and they're dangerous animals. I'll go a step further and say I don't think single women in their 30s should be allowed to adopt dogs. Why do you say that? Because they have fucked up their life. Now let's stop it there. Let's cut it off there and not let them fuck up a dog too. Have you ever seen a woman?

Look, I'm taking a stretch, and I know I'm saying something horrible. Single women in their 30s. Yes, like mid-30s, like 35 when they go, that's it. I'm comfortable with being single. Now I'm saying something horrible. Single women in their 30s. Yes. Like mid 30s. Like 35 when they go that's it. I'm comfortable with being single. Now I'm going to get a rescue dog. And then you go hiking and that dog goes after your kids

because they don't. Are you sure that they're really comfortable with being single? It's probably hard to find a good dude, man. Yeah, but have you never had those women that get the big dogs

and they're like it's a rescue dog. This is my new project. They want some love. Yeah. And exactly. And then they don't fucking discipline it and they just let it go. Fucking bananas.

There's definitely people like that. Fucking dog. Yeah. And there's also dogs get really protective of their owners. And if they sense that their owner might not be like, you know, very dominant. Yeah.

If it's maybe it doesn't have deep voice or something like that. The dog might be extra protective. Was your pit bull dangerous? Yeah. dominant. Yeah. Maybe it doesn't have deep voice or something like that. The dog might be extra protective. Was your pit bull dangerous? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had pit bull encounters where one dog killed one of my other dogs. What?

I came home in the middle of my living room. One of my females had killed my other female. Oh, my God. Yeah, you can't have two female dogs together. Female dogs apparently will always fight over dominance. What the fuck? Whereas a male and a female, they accept who's the boss. Usually the male just lets the female, like,

Thap, leave me alone. And the female will snap her jaws, and the male sort of gives up. But the females never give up. They never give up the position. They'll fight to the death. They fight, and then they give up, and they figure out who wins and who loses, but then the one who lost wants to go about it again,

and they did it a couple of times, and I thought I had gotten them over it. I separated them, and I did all sorts of different things, and then I started letting them be together again because I thought they had gotten over it because I felt like maybe it was just some animosity. It was too fresh on each other's mind that they had gotten into a fight.

But it's so normal for that breed to get into fights. They're beautiful dogs with humans. They're beautiful dogs with humans. But with animals, they have just this incredible kill drive. It's like nothing I've ever seen. My dog killed two cats he killed squirrels he killed anything dumb enough to get in his yard and he would kill lizards all day like we had these lizards that would run around and he that was his video game he would

just run around with his paws on the wall trying to get these lizards just running around the perimeter of my house trying to get lizards and in hindsight i look I look back and I'm like, what a crazy animal to have. You've got a monster. You've got a monster that loves to attack things. But he was a very particular type of dog. He was a hog dog. From the Argentinian mastiff. No, no, no.

He was a pit bull. Yeah, like the ones in Hawaii. Well, he was from Hawaii. Yeah. He was from Hawaii. And they breed them to be super animal aggressive because they're breeding them for hog hunting. And so they have longer ears, and the ears pick up more of a scent, and they're larger dogs. He was crazy.

He was a beautiful dog, though. He was awesome with people. With people, he was the greatest thing ever. He was awesome. He was just an amazing buddy. He was super smart. He always wanted to hang with you. He'd always be down to wrestle.

I never felt in danger. I used to do jujitsu with him. I'd take his back. You know, I'd go, time to put the choker. And he'd be like, grrr. He would kiss me. I'd be like, I love you too. Like, I would be, like, choking him, and he would kiss me.

He was a sweet, sweet, sweet dog with people. But with animals. So another dog came by. He was not to be trusted. No. He was not to be trusted. It was the craziest thing. It didn't have anything to do with socializing.

I socialized him with other dogs. Like right away, he started fighting with other dogs. One time he was a baby. People yelled at me at a dog park when he was a baby. He was like four months old. He was trying to bite other dogs. He was just gangster, like from the womb. And I was a fool to try to control this animal as a pet.

My dog now, the big one, Johnny, he's the sweetest dog ever. He's a sweetie. Like my other dog that's a much smaller dog, the Shibu Inu Bulldog mix, that dog tells him what's up. And Johnny goes, all right, all right. He's just like, relax, relax. He just lets it all go by, you know. So you think they're born with it, though, just like people?

It's how they're bred. It's how they're bred. It's how they're bred. Yeah, they encourage a certain type of animal aggression, aggression towards animals. They encourage it. They encourage fighting. And it's been that way for thousands of years. The cruel aspect of the dog fighting though is what makes amazing dogs because the ones

that survived through that horrible ordeal, the genetics that were passed on, because the dogs that quit and the dogs that cowed and backed away from a fight were killed. They were all killed. That sounds horrible to us because we love our dogs. Sure. But they weren't looking at dogs like that. They were looking at dogs as a way to make money. And the way to make money, I mean, you're talking about like this probably went on from maybe the turn of the century on. I mean, it's probably something that's been going on even before that, if you could really get into the history of it.

But they bred dogs specifically for fighting. They bred them specifically for that. They had them on chains. They would put them – there's a dude that I know that was a famous pool player. He used to keep 35 pit bulls. He was this pro pool player. 35 pit bulls at his house. They weren't his pets. They were fighting dogs.

Crazy, man. Craziness, man. I think Big Boy from OutKast used to do that. Dude. That's a big part of the culture for a lot of those guys. He bred those dogs. He bred the bully ones that are stocky. He bred those? You never went to his website and looked at

them? They're expensive. Do you know Big Boy's website well? Yeah. I think it's Purple Ribbon Pits. In the world of fighting dogs, this is where it gets really squirrely because it's not like I'm trying to glorify this world and give it morals or anything like that. But the reality is in the fighting dog world,

you're not supposed to sell the puppies. They're called puppy peddlers and they're looked down upon. You're only supposed to let your dog breed with really respectable breeds so you're going to make some crazy killer dog

and men will loan out their dog and you see the lineage written down like Rough Riders, Bronco, and Soddle Stables, Sheila E. And that's the dog's precedent

and they all know the championship bloodlines. It's totally illegal to have dog fighting, but the shit has been documented, like, very thoroughly. It's the same thing with chicken fighting. Like, they have champion chickens. Like, I know a dude who raises chickens and he fights them. You know, it's this old Mexican dude. He's cool as fuck, you know. But that's his culture man he

grew up fighting chickens yeah and this guy knows like championship bloodlines and they breed the right chickens with the right hens like it's a been a part of human history forever but it's it's like in the shadows in the darkness of our of our world and we don't want to admit that in 2000 and whatever it was nine or or whenever when he got busted. What year was that? 2009 maybe? Probably 2008 or 2009, I think. I want to say it was seven.

He spent some time in jail. Yeah, we never want to think that a guy who's capable of such great heights as being like this massively successful football player could also be capable of such an insane cruelty. It's so insane. I got to tell you, I love dogs. massively successful football player could also be capable of such an insane cruelty. It's so insane. I got to tell you, I love dogs. Like, I mean, you know, you guys all did me a huge solid doing the fundraiser for the dog last week,

and I love dogs. But I still – I also have a problem with people who don't let somebody like him, like, serve his time and then get another shot at earning a living again. Because a lot of people, rightfully, were critical of what he did. Right. But he lost his name. He lost hundreds of millions of dollars. Probably, right?

Absolutely. His contract was about the biggest at the time. He had crazy endorsements. He went to prison, which is what the punishment was. He did it. He went to prison. Yeah, he did his time. And then a lot of people were really upset

that he even has a chance to... Make a living. Right, but it's like he paid the... Well, the price, right? How undeniable is his fucking talent? The NFL's like, you know what? Come on back. Come on back.

You know why? Because if they don't do it, someone else is going to do it. Someone's going to grab that guy. It really wouldn't be any other way to play football. I mean, that's kind of a – I mean, there's the NFL, and basically that's it. That's it. The B League is not really a league in football.

What is it? The idea that – Stadium. Arena. There's arena. Arena football. I played that for a day. I don't know if they drug test.

I mean, it's just fucking brutal. It's brutal. It's like being in the yard. Canadian football has some good athletes for sure, good players. But NFL is definitely the top line. And he was a bad motherfucker. Didn't Doug Flutie go to Canada first and play up there for a while before he came down to America? He was the hero when I

was in high school. Doug Flutie was like, I think I was in high school and he was in college. He was in college. He was the hero. There was the USFL. He was very famous in Boston. He was, right? Yeah, Flutie was super famous. Have you seen the 30 for 30 who killed the USFL?

Yes. Fucking great. Donald Trump ruined that shit. Yeah. He just ruined it. He did. All those are amazing. That's the best programming ESPN or basically any cable. The 30 for 30 documentaries.

What are they? What are they? They. Stories that'll fucking kill you. Yeah. It started. The concept came up last year was the 30th anniversary. Billy Corbin did the first one.

That was about the you, right? Billy Corbin. That's a badass one. Billy Corbin did the first one. That was about the U, right? Billy Corbin. That's a badass one. You almost had it on the podcast. That's a badass fucking one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From Billy Corbin. He's the guy who did.

Cocaine Cowboy. Cocaine Cowboy. He also did Broke. Yeah. Yeah, Broke. He did fucking Broke, which is amazing. It's amazing. He's a cool fucking guy, too.

Let me tell you something. He came down to the Fort Lauderdale Improv and hung out. Yeah. Cocaine Cowboy is fucking amazing, too. The U of M, Mundo. The U? Yeah. The U when he shows all the fucking Michael Irvin and those guys in front of clubs, and

he goes, the Miami Dolphins used to ask the college guys to get them into the clubs. Yeah. That's how bad it was. That's how insane it was. If you watch the trailer to the U, you'll go like, this is the greatest bad thing. I went to Florida State. We hated them, and I fucking saw it. I was like, this is the greatest thing. I went to Florida State. We hated them and I fucking saw it. I was like, yeah. It was a bunch of black gangsters with a white

coat that told them, go out and be black gangsters, motherfuckers. Whoa! Whoa! Where did the white guy go? The black of the better. The black of the better. I want you to bring it back. I want high fives. I want fucking chains out there. I want

everything. I want you to tap off, not celebrate. I want high fives. I want fucking chains out there. High fives. I want everything. I want you to fuck not celebrate. I want everything. I want you to fucking humiliate these motherfuckers. And then the guy from Two Life Crew came on with his hose. He had a fucking VIP pass. Uncle Luke. And they would come out to sleep at home. Hit my dick them hard.

And those bitches knew what time it was. And that's all. Listen, there's two things that drive black people to different levels. That's when they hear 2 Live Crew and when they go to Red Lobster. Black people lose their mind at Red Lobster. Fuck Popeyes on Tuesday. You go to Sacramento, Red Lobster on Friday at about 4.30 when they blow the whistle. Beep, beep, beep, blow the whistle.

Them sisters, they weigh 300 with the heels. What are you showing over there? That's the trailer. For what? Yeah. Oh, that's the documentary? Oh, cool. I don't know if that's the trailer.

That's the one with the U. Warren Sapp. Warren Sapp. He did Birth to Conquer with me. Well, I got to remember this and write this down. Yeah, that motherfucker was giving out blood tests. He was coming out positive and giving somebody else. This guy, they were smoking dope all the way to the NFL

warrants that. Isn't it interesting that when you have football players and basketball players, they make rules on how they're allowed to celebrate. Yeah. Especially like the football thing. You're not allowed to dance after you score a touchdown. It's 100% because of black people.

They're like, dude, you blacked it up plenty, so let's dial it back. It really is. This is a white man, probably in Georgia, probably quite old, with a cigar, with a white suit. It's not a coincidence. I love when people in the UFC go, well, the greatest trash talk is Chael Sutton. Listen, listen, stupid. There was a guy named Dexter the Molester.

Remember? Dexter Manley? No, no, no. Who couldn't read? The defensive back. The defensive back that used to fucking screw glazing gluexter Manley? No, no, no. The defensive back. The defensive back that used to fucking screw Klazy glue

all over himself. Oh, oh, oh. I don't hear Donnie. You know who he is? You know who he is? What? The guy who used to stick him for the readers

and he had a stutter. He had a stutter. What? Yeah, yeah. What? He would run up with balls on his shoulder and he would spray the molester

with molester and get in your ass, dog, and just D up on you. What? What? Your mother ain't shit. Bring it to pop. He just D up on you. There's a rule.

I got to touch you five feet from the line of scrimmage. He was banging you right from the line. He come right up on your spitter. What now? What? What? What? What was that guy's name, Tony?

Lester Hayes. Lester Hayes. Lester Hayes. Lester the Molester. Lester the Molester. Defensive backs. Listen, Rodney Locke. Tell Joe Rogan about Rodney Locke. They told him he couldn't play in the game, so they cut his finger off during the game.

They were like, either. Who the fuck gets his finger cut off during the game? What? He had caught his finger on a helmet. He was like a cannonball. A cannonball. He would run and just and just like total disregard for body right and like and like this is before good helmets and like he would just annihilate people

right he was the assassin and he got his helmet caught in a finger his finger caught in a helmet pinky and they went uh to the to the locker room and they're like all right well you know we're gonna need these. You're going to have to put, like, five stitches or whatever, 20 stitches in your finger. He was like, no, I want to go back out there. And they were like, well, we'd have to cut off your finger for you to go back out there. And he was like, do it. Do it.

So just cut it off. Half time. Wait a minute. Half time. They could have fixed it? They could have fixed it, but he wouldn't be able to play the rest of the game. He could have played that day. So he said cut the fucking finger off.

It was already, like, halfway through the game. It was, like, a playoff and shit. How much of the finger? Just, like, so there's able to play the rest of the game. He could have played that day. So he said cut the fuck off. It was already like halfway through the game. It was like in the playoffs and shit. How much of the finger? Just like, so there's no, you don't see the nail. Maybe that was an annoying part of his whole masturbation ritual. And he was secretly hoping to chew it away anyway. I'll see you in 15. Okay.

Powerful Joe Diaz. What am I coming in, Joey? So right next door, you'll be able to get that on the church of what's happening now, right? Should I just walk in and tell you? Joey? On iTunes, they'll be able to get yours with Bert, Church of What's Happening Now? Yeah. Yeah.

It's on iTunes. I was drunk. I'm one of the greatest storytellers the world has ever known. What? He called me when I was in New York and I was drunk. I don't know what we're doing. I didn't know if we were doing a stand-up show or a podcast. Oh, you're doing a live podcast.

But then you're going to do our stand-up show. Yeah, yeah. Then I'm doing that. Yeah. But why'd you say, oh, fuck? I don't like live podcasts. Well, it's an interesting one because it's a small room. It's only like 50 people.

I'm just going to sit there and giggle my fucking ass off at Joey. You know what he said to me today? We're driving to the car, and he goes, and we're talking about health. And he goes, I'm a dog. I went to the doctor today. I dropped my pants, and the doctor looked up at me and he goes, hey, you know you've got toilet paper on your dick. He said that?

Joey just passed through it. And I was laughing so fucking hard I couldn't listen to the rest of the story. I said, Joey, why was there toilet paper on the end of your dick? He goes, I had to wipe the helmet before I went in there. I had to dab the helmet. I didn't notice a little piece of toilet paper hanging off the end of the dick. My dick sneezed a little. You know the answer. That's Joey Diaz. Hey, Joey, what's

your first pee of the day smell like? Like Listerine and gunpowder. Like you got shot out of an alien's asshole. It looks like... You know how your piss looks when you take too many vitamins? I'm not going to answer that Oh my god

Was it on your podcast That I was on that he said You know Black people eat to talk Oh yeah Black people sleep to talk No eat to talk No it's rest

All reason black people rest is so they can talk Oh rest to talk. No, eat to talk. No, it was rest. He goes, all reason why people rest is so they can talk. Oh, rest to talk. Rest to talk. Yeah. He goes, he gave my dad What the fuck does that even mean? Why did you let him do that to your dad? You were there. No, I wasn't there. Oh my god, it just happened so quickly. Did your dad ask for

them? No, Joey cracked them open. He was a grown ass man if he wanted one. He cracked them open and he goes, here you go, Mr. K. And just dumped some in my dad's hand my dad goes what is it and he goes candy it's a popcorn you like it my dad no sit down my dad will sit down i go dad there's marijuana in there and he goes no buddy it's it's it's good and i go i go dad and then joey's laughing fucking hysterically i'm like i'm like what are we gonna do this? My sister's lost her fucking mind. Everyone's like, oh, my God. And so, yeah, but my dad was fine. You can't do that.

The photos are amazing. The photo is amazing. You can't do that, right? I don't agree with doing that at all. Well, I did it to my own dad, remember? Yeah, but that's your dad. That's your dad. Now, my dad would never say that he took it knowingly.

But in my head, I'm like, there's no way Joey slipped it to him. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's so funny. He must have said something. Maybe he just, your dad didn't know what the fuck Joey said. And he's like, yeah, sure. Sure, buddy. Probably his brain blacked out.

Yeah. You want to get high with me, mister? Come on. Mr. K, Mr. K. And my back dad's just such a question. Come on, cocksucker. What are we doing? Are we playing games?

Are we going deep? I'm going deep. You going deep with me? And your dad's like, I'll go Come on, cocksucker. What are we doing? We're playing games? Are we going deep? I'm going deep. You're going deep with me? And your dad's like, I'll go deep with you. That's exactly what happened. A handful of pot cookies and he's wolfing down. He heard two of seven words and one was like cookie. And he's like, oh yeah, I'm a cookie.

Exactly. How many times when someone's talking to you are you not even paying attention because you're thinking about something else and you're giving them small percentage, and you're trying to figure something out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What? Or like taxi drivers. You just hear the main words. Many, many times.

My dad is the king of that. And I know when he's playing chess, I'll be like, what's up, man? He's like, how's doing shows? Yeah, man. And he's in front of the computer playing chess? Yeah, and I can tell he's like, hold on a second, hold on a second. I'm like, how's doing shows? Yeah, man. And he's in front of the computer playing chess? Yeah, and I can tell he's like, hold on a second, hold on a second. I'm like, all right. He's like, so what's going on?

I could be like, I robbed a bank today. And he's like, wow, wow. That's neat, buddy. I'm like, you know what the fuck I'm saying right now? And I go, what is it? Fucking Rook tonight something? And he's like, yeah, I'm playing chess. I know, man.

Like, just tell me. This is on the phone? This is on the phone, yeah. Oh, that's hilarious. I'm going to call me back. That's so fucking whack. We should do a dad. You know, Travel Channel Green, they said they would pay for us if we want to do an

adventure, if they can air it. They're like, if you guys want to do anything, we'll fucking, we'll pay for it. What do you mean? I was sitting there. We were talking. We just had a dinner. And they were asking questions. They're just kind of getting hip to, like'll pay for it. What do you mean? I was sitting there, we were talking, we just had, having dinner, and they were, they were asking questions,

they were just kind of getting hip to like the podcast scene, and they were asking questions about, they're like, what is Death Squad? And I was, I kind of, don't tell them.

It's really ridiculous to try to explain. You gotta go, shh. Yeah. I was like, if you don't know, you don't know.

If you don't know, you don't know. And then they were like, they were like, so these are all your like buddies? And they're like, yeah. Like,

do you ever want to do anything with them? Like, and I jokingly said, I said, yeah, we kind of – I just said this because Duncan had said it one time. I go, we kind of want to take dugout canoes into the rainforest and see if we can find ayahuasca. With our dads? No, just us. Just us. And so then – So we were talking about dads.

No, no, no. I don't know why. I don't know why. You know what? How did you get there? I have no fucking idea how my brain works. You know what? I was thinking – just took us on an unrelated journey. I was thinking we should do a show where we all take our dads and go do shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then in my head I was like, oh, I have a better idea. You know what's fucked up? He was actually talking about people that do that very thing earlier on the podcast. But in a very negative light. Before you showed up. But in a very negative way. It was about liars.

Oh. It was about how liars. Not meaning that at all. No was about liars. It was about how liars... Not meaning that at all. What he was talking about was about how you know how some guys were going, so what do you guys want to go see the movies? Wouldn't believe this, man, but

I'm about to start a billion dollar a year business. It's kind of crazy. But we're taking this from the ground floor. And Tommy was like, but you make $10 now. What the fuck are you talking about, man? Well, you know, once we get the startup money, which is basically guaranteed. Yeah, I got a couple of investors. I got an Italian investor and I got one in Czech Republic.

And you're like, we were talking about what movie to go to see. How the fuck did we get here? Yeah. That's what you kind of did. I just did that. You did that. I did that actually almost exactly like that, too. I was trying to think.

I was like, my dad doesn't want to be on TV. I was like, I don't know where he's going with this. Film an adventure with my dad. He's like a normal guy. He doesn't want to be on TV at all. My dad will be on TV. You're saying that? I bet your dad would enjoy it.

My dad is hilarious. Your dad is a fascinating guy. I mean, my dad's a very nice guy, and he's, you know, he would be very polite and friendly with everybody, but I don't think he'd want to be on TV. Let's do a dad show, then. Let's take it back. No, there's no way. He would never do it. No. He has zero desire to be famous.

Can we cast a dad for you? Yeah, he can give me, like, a black guy. I want a black guy. A black guy who's only a couple years older than me. Like, four years old? Bernard Hopkins. Like Bernard Hopkins plays my dad, and no one even mentions it. The whole time.

And Bernard Hopkins refuses to admit it's him playing it on the show. And afterwards, in every interview, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about that's not me, but it is him. Yeah. We take Bernard Hopkins. We go fishing with him. I call him dad. But you have to listen to him at some point. Would he have good stories to tell us?

I have to listen to him. He tells me whatever. You know, I'm listening. He's my dad. It's like, and he has to bring back childhood memories. It's like when Joe was a kid and he first learned how to ride a bike. That's what I want to do. Like, Joe, I remember when I took Joe to the Holiday Inn.

You remember that, Joe? You start making some shit up about me. This motherfucker's lying in his bed playing with chimpanzee dolls. Bernard Hopkins owns the right to the title, I am the machine. What? I know. Maybe that might be right.

I don't know. Get out of here, you fuck. I'll be back. You've tarnished your reputation indelibly. Son of a word. Later, brother. We'll see you in a bit. Bert Kreischer will be joining us tonight.

The sold-out Ice House Comedy Club show, along with this man that I'm talking to right now, Tom Segura. That was so exactly what we were doing. And I wasn't thinking of him at all, but it was fucking perfect. It was perfect, sort of, but it wasn't. No, he's not a crazy person. No, he's not crazy. He does make me think what we were talking about, which is like a lot of times I go,

how does fucking Bert's brain work? I think that all the time. Oh, yeah. How did he get there? Which you do when you're sitting around. He's not even high, though. He didn't even get high. No.

So he's got no goddamn excuse. He just showed up. And I just didn't know where he was going with the dad thing. I was like, hmm, dad's on vacation? An adventure? Ayahuasca? But somehow those things do connect in his brain. You know what I'm saying?

I don't think so. I think he was just waiting for an opportunity to talk about doing a thing together yeah i think it was more of that i do want to go canoeing like fucking really bad you guys ever used to go to canoeing meanwhile middle of the night fucking forest is on fire because brian left behind one lit cigarette we're gonna i don't want to go canoeing with you die up there in a river wait what happened you you like spiked your dad like you you didn't finish that early. When did you do that to your dad? Well, you told them you were doing it, though.

Oh. Didn't you? No. Whoops. He listens to the podcast now. I mean, sure you did. Well, you brought it up. No, I just remembered.

No. Don't get on me. Joe gave me this big bottle of pop soda that was made out of marijuana. And I had it in my fridge for a while and then me and my fiance at the time we were all recording ourselves like uh because my dad was in town for the night and i think i put the camera down and then he is like oh i'm gonna have some of this wine or champagne or whatever and i'm like that's not champagne that's okay yeah you can drink that and then i just like let him drink it and then like in like within like a half hour or so he just became so giggly and just laughing and it

was really actually one of the coolest things ever because like did he freak out at all no not at all he was just like almost like a happy drunk buzz where he was just kind of great giggling and laughing did you ever tell him what happened no never he probably knows now but you should tell him because he would enjoy it. Yeah. You know? I mean, maybe it'd be one of those things

that he discovers late in life like, wow, this makes life so much more enjoyable. But you'd have to get it to him in that form though. Right.

That's the coolest forms. The edible form is the best form, I think. The effects. I like it the most. Oh, shit. Sorry.

As long as it's mild. Yeah. As long as it's not super strong, the effects are really pleasant. Super strong can break you. Super strong is not good. That's a terrible feeling. It's like, oh, I'm just trying to relax and get through this day. I don't need to be contemplating the fate of the fucking galaxy.

Do you liken super strong to psychedelic? Is that what happens? Yes. It is? Very much so. super strong to psychedelic? Is that what happened? Yes, very much so. In fact, in a lot of the ancient Hindu writings, a lot of what

they talked about, really extreme psychedelic experiences that they talked about were all from eating hash. Eating cannabis, if you eat enough of it, you can have an experience that is every bit as strong as mushrooms.

You just have to eat a lot of bit as strong as mushrooms. Really? Yeah. You just have to eat a lot of it. I've been moved to tears a few times. I've had experiences in the tank eating pot that are like a fucking ride in a movie. Like an experience that you wouldn't believe. If you didn't see it with your own synapses, if you weren going through it it seems impossible yeah it's all just eating pot eating pot and getting into a tank the tank filled with water and the but you have to eat that that you got to get to that critical level where you feel like you eat too much that's where you got to get you got to get to that

feeling where you're like i fucked up i fucked up And that's when you can close your eyes and see nutty shit. Like how much are you talking about? Well, you see it in the dark. See, that's when you see it. Like you don't see it if you open your eyes. If you open your eyes, you're not going to hallucinate. It's not like it's going to misinterpret visual cues and real information. But what it will do is supercharge your imagination to the point where it can't deal with a blank slate.

Yeah. So when you eat the pot, you either close your eyes. I've had this happen on planes before, where I ate a cookie before I got to the airport, and then while I'm on the plane, you're tripping your balls off. When you close your eyes, in the darkness of your closed eyes, that's when your imagination starts firing, and you start seeing wild, crazy, neon colors like fucking.

You start seeing computer cartoon fractal shows. It becomes very, very bizarre. And that's just closing your eyes on a plane. Inside the tank, it almost opens up another realm of experience it gets very strange because in the absence of light this all this stuff flying through your brain sort of manifests itself as visual information yeah you don't just get the feeling like oh life's slipping away you yeah you get that feeling when your eyes are open but everything looks normal you know everything looks a little faker

and everything looks kind of two dimensional a little closer than it should be but it still looks normal but when you close your eyes then you get the fucking color show you get just madness and craziness in front of you yeah I've had an absolute freaked out

oh my god blowing my mind experiences eating it yeah you just have to eat it. What's the most you've consumed? Well, this is what I was going to say. There was a friend who made pills. He made THC pills. And I forget how he did it.

I forget what his process was of extracting the THC and putting it into pill form. But he told us very specifically, only take one. He said, do not take more than one. I only took one. I listened. Eddie Bravo took two. Because Eddie Bravo was one of those silly bitches like, man, I can't even get too high. It's impossible.

If I'm too high, you can't. And it was unbelievably strong. Just one. I was like, where is this dude traveling every day? This dude is going to crazy town every day. And that's something that a lot of people are overlooking about this whole medical marijuana movement. Everyone's focusing on smoking pot. We don't want people smoking pot.

Well, the eating pot is five times stronger, five times more psychoactive when you eat it and you're getting guys just loading up these cookies loading up these candies and you can eat three or four of them before you even know what the fuck's going on and then an hour and 20 minutes later you're on your deathbed yeah i mean you're freaking the fuck out like yoshi yeah like yoshi With the banana bread. Joey Diaz actually had a funny story from a long time ago when Listerine strips first came out for a pot Listerine strips. And they used to have like little containers just like them. And he had a whole one.

And his friends like, can I have one? And he takes it out and they had all melted together. And there were like nine strips that had melted together. And Joey Diaz was just like, oh, I guess that's it. it you know and then i gave it to him and i guess the guy called like the ambulance like it was just like 10 times the amount of this oh my god strong dude i i super strong i used to take one half of those breast strips it's really hard to find them now yeah they don't have them anymore but i used to take one half of one, and that's all it took. One half of one. You gave me that one time.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. That was when we were headed to the East Coast. Yeah. And we were on a red eye. Yeah. And I remember we both landed, and you were like, that is the highest I've ever been in my life. I go, right there on that plane?

You go, right there on that plane? Yeah. I go, what was that like? You go, that was an adventure. Yeah, it was. And I also remember that I was by no means not high anymore when I said that. And I felt like 11 hours later, I was like, still kind of feeling it right now. I'm like, yeah, dude.

That shit kicked my ass. It was unbelievable. And that was only a half. I can't imagine taking more than that. I actually started after that. I realized that for me to not have that feeling, a quarter of a strip was better. You know what I mean?

I could function on a quarter. Yeah. Not on the half, man. Yeah. I hear you, man. I don't like eating anymore. I had one the other day, and i didn't think i felt it the whole night like i took it around eight o'clock around 11 or 12 i was like all right i

guess that was just a shitty edible then i couldn't go to bed and it started like my heart started going crazy i was like all right now it's starting right now it's like one in the morning how long did it take to kick in four or five hours you gotta go to the doctor you got some blockage somewhere son that doesn't even make sense four or five hours you gotta go to the doctor you got some blockage somewhere son that doesn't even make sense four or five hours yeah that doesn't make sense you just defied logic you defied science you broke medicine yeah i couldn't go to sleep though for like hours wow yeah maybe it just took you a while to realize you were high or were you like caffeined up and maybe it was having a hard time getting in there yeah i think i must have had too much other food

in my stomach maybe and it just took a while to digest it or something. That's another possibility. If you ate something heavy, right, if that's behind it, does that happen? Does it work with that? I think so. Totally, right? Yeah. Yeah, it was like busy.

Your body has to break it down and it doesn't get to it. We're totally unscientific when it comes to understanding of the digestive system. You know what I'm saying? The juices break it down. The brain juices. Dude, hell, you should break it down. The brain juices. Dude. Break it down. Yeah, I don't think we were right about that.

But yeah, I think if anybody should be concerned about experiences, it's the eating it. Because I don't want anybody to have bad trips, man. Yeah, it's not good.

Bad trips steer people away from weed. And you don't get anything out of those bad edible trips either. Because they usually come when you don't expect them. Like they come when you're trying to go to a movie,

have a pot cookie with your friends, go to a movie and giggle. And the pot cookie, way too fucking strong. And everybody just wants to go home. You just got to get out of there. Everybody wants to leave. Well, panic is never a good time. And that's what it is.

You are in, like, you have super anxiety going. At least I do. And that's not, like, that's not fun, man. You don't go, that was really cool the way I panicked for my life for a few hours, just from sitting there. When I was in full panic mode from taking this one pill, one Eddie Bravo had taken too, I was in full panic when I was talking to this dude.

And the dude I was talking to was a very high-level jiu-jitsu guy who also apparently was a very high level jujitsu guy who also apparently was a rapist and uh while i was talking to him i'm so high i mean i'm just i'm so i really shouldn't be talking to anybody but while i'm talking to this guy i'm like man this guy is a fucking killer like he's got this just feel about him like he feels super dangerous. You know, he's like a really high-level jiu-jitsu guy, but he also feels like, wow, like if you were alone in the woods with this guy, you know, and you'd gone for a few days without food,

he might fucking eat you. And then later after that had happened, it turned out that he was a rapist. He got arrested. But he didn't get arrested right away. He fleed. And the way that caught him was he started doing jiu-jitsu again he couldn't stop doing jiu-jitsu and he started doing jiu-jitsu

at a new gym and he didn't realize how obvious it is that he's like a super high level guy there's not that many high level guys you know when you get i mean there are quite a few but i mean um it you know maybe there's hundreds but the people in the jiu-jitsu world are pretty much aware of a guy that's that high level. And this guy was just tapping everybody, including their best black belts. And everybody's like, okay, what the fuck? Who is this dude? Who is this dude? And he says he's from Brazil.

And so someone got a picture of him or something. And they went, oh, my God, that's that guy. And he's wanted for rape. He couldn't go on the lam and not do jujitsu. That's incredible. It's amazing. Yeah. I mean, maybe they would have got him anyway.

I don't know. There's two things I got to have. It's jujitsu and raping people. Rape juice. I got to be able to do both of those things to be a happy guy. Yeah, he gave off this weird, dangerous energy. Especially when you're that cranked out

on the wrong side of the pot rainbow yeah you know it was just i was in a never world i was in the world of fairies and elves and dwarves and monsters and dragons in the night well that's the thing is if you're having that that type of uh experience the trip yeah like you've eaten too much and you happen to be in a not cool environment like if you're in an already dangerous situation, oh, my God. Yeah. Hostility. You're just like, somebody get us home.

Please, God, get us home right now. Get us out of here. Yeah. Yeah, there's bad spots in the world. Imagine eating a pot cookie and going to Karachi. Being in the middle of Pakistan. Watching people pull up with mopeds and gun people down. Did you see that on Vice, the dangerous border one?

Yeah. It's fantastic. Amazing. What an amazing, amazing access. We had Shane in here. He was telling us about Karachi and how insane it is. That looks insane. Yeah.

It's like millions of people all in this one giant city. I think it's 20 million there, right? Yeah, something crazy. That's a lot of people. And crimes just running amok. And then they hate their neighbors so much, and they're hated so much. Dude, it's so crazy. The way he described it to me, he was like, it literally is like the scariest place on earth.

Like, you can't believe it exists. It's like the apocalypse in a city, and it's there right now, and nobody's talking about it. Nobody even thinks about it. When you talk about dangerous places, people talk about Detroit. Detroit is not nearly as dangerous as Karachi. Have you had Kumail on? Have you ever had him on the show? Kumail Nanjiani?

No, who's that? He's a comic from Pakistan, from Karachi. Oh, really? Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. He's a really good comic. Where's he from?

Like, in America. Does he live in L.A.? He lives in L.A. Oh, okay. He's a really good comic. Where's he from? Like, in America? Does he live in L.A.? He lives in L.A. Oh, okay. He came over when he was 19. How do you say his name again? Kumail. Kumail.

Nanjiani. Nanjiani. Yeah. He's a really, really good comic. Wow. Like, really good. We had him on a mom's cast a long time ago, right? A long time ago.

I mean, he's very successful. Like, he does very well. Yeah? I mean, he just did an hour special. He's acting in, like, all kinds. Like, he does really successful. He does very well. Yeah? I mean, he just did an hour special. He's acting in all kinds. He does really well. Oh, wow. And he's a super, really...

The thing that I was obsessed with when I had him on was that he didn't... He grew up there, and he didn't watch stand-up growing up. Wow. And he came into college at 19 19 and he's so good at it that i'm like yeah but i still understand how you're good at it because like how is your sense of humor developed you started at like basically 19 like being exposed to this at all right and

he's like exceptionally good at it so you you see like he just has such a command of doing stand-up, everything. Really insightful, smart, really good writer, performer, so funny. And I'm just fascinated at his whole background, his whole story. Yeah, that is interesting because there are cultures that do not have stand-up comedy, right? Yeah, he definitely didn't have it. They all have some sort of public gathering where someone gets to talk. But for entertainment, I mean, how many places have... It's just breaking out in some parts of the world now.

I know in a lot of Spanish-speaking countries, there are clubs now and a stand-up show even for television but they don't have the basically 80, 100 year history that we have coming from the Catskills and it being a thing that has different genres it's newer well it was invented here

it was most certainly invented here but there's a lot of confusion or a lot of questioning as far as who invented it. I mean, who the fuck invented it? Is there anyone who is known as the godfather of stand-up? That's a good question. Because stand-up sort of became stand-up with Lenny Bruce.

Because before that, it was like a lot of guys that would share jokes. And they would do the same sketch for 20 years and you know they they would go performing the cat skills yeah and they would all steal each other's material and shit they were like people in show business almost like you would think of a contract studio person from like the 1940s and 50s you know you think of those people that had contracts with the studio and did all those studio movies. Well, these guys kind of were that. They were like, it was a different kind of comedy. And then Lenny Bruce came along and all of a sudden he starts talking about real shit.

And all of a sudden he starts breaking down our use of language and why do we have to say this and talking about real scenarios in the home. And like, whoa, that was the birth. If you go over to my house, there's all these Lenny Bruce posters everywhere. It's not like I listen to Lenny Bruce a lot. I mean, I certainly have. It's not like it even holds up to this day

because it really doesn't. It's really hard to laugh at Lenny Bruce's stuff. It's hard to put yourself into that mindset of the people that lived during the 1950s and the 1960s. But if you could, if you could go back in time and you would be blown away, I'm sure of it. during the 1950s and the 1960s. But if you could, if you could go back in time, you would be blown away. I'm sure of it.

I'm sure his point of view was probably so incredibly unique at the time. And his insight, you know, his jokes, some of his jokes today are great jokes. He had this joke about homosexuality being illegal. So what they do is they arrest you and they put you in jail with a bunch of men who want to have sex with you yeah you know it was it's a good joke yeah i mean it's it's it's funny in 2013 and he probably told that in the 50s it's crazy where people were like what it never hurt anything like the fuck did he just say yeah yeah i mean lenny bruce went to jail for it.

He went to jail for using bad words. People don't understand that that is in this past century. People have been locked into cages for saying naughty words. Not even threatening. Not like saying, I'm going to blow up this plane. Not words like that. But a word like fuck or a word like shit or tits or something like that. Yeah.

They locked him in cages. You're going to jail now. They drained his money, ruined his career. Jesus. Yeah. That and the smack. That's the other thing we need to learn from a guy like Lenny. Don't do the smack.

Stay away from the smack, my friend. Yeah, you can't do that. The smack. It seems like nobody gets through the smack okay. Nobody does. There's no recovery from that. I had a buddy who had a hard time kicking it he um uh in a pill form he hurt his back and uh the doctors uh

immediately of course gave him heroin that's what the oxycontin says gave him oxycontin and he was like dude he goes it was it was magical he goes it cured cured all the pain he goes uh i didn't it wasn't even that fucked up when he was on. He goes, it just stopped the pain. But then coming off of it, he had to take some other drug. It's my friend Tommy Jr., if he's listening right now. Powerful Tommy Jr. And they just give them to you, man.

When you get hurt, like I know guys who were junkies and went to the doctor and they give them pain medication. And that's a dangerous trip. You're getting high. Mark it down because here it comes. Do you like being sober? Do you like keeping your shit together? Don't take that. That's no bueno.

You take that pill too, the painkillers, with a beer? Yeah. That's a whole other ballgame. Most people do. That's like bueno. You know? You take that pill, too, the painkillers, with a beer? Yeah. Ooh, that's a whole other ballgame. Most people do. Yeah. That's, like, super common. Yeah, of course. You're not supposed to, right?

No. Isn't Xanax a really bad one to take with alcohol? Yeah. I saw a lady do it on a plane. She was laughing about it. Yeah. She's getting high. She's getting high.

Just a glass of wine and my Xanax, and I'm good to go. And she was laughing. Ha, ha. She puts her fucking goggles on. See you later. Drooling on the chair. Yeah. She was letting everybody know she was abusing drugs.

Yeah. That's because she was getting high, for sure. But if I let them know, if I said, listen, I took a pot cookie an hour before this flight, I'm out of my fucking head right now, kids. We're going to go back to the gate, guys. Yeah. We're going to turn this thing around and land it in the desert. Get this fucking criminal off. I'm out of my fucking head right now, kids. We're going to go back to the gate, guys. Yeah, we're going to turn this thing around and land it in the desert.

Get this fucking criminal off. Get this pot monster off of our plane. You asshole. What were you thinking about? I was thinking about fingering girls in high school. What was that all about? Just having that flashback. The excitement.

The first time we touched a moist vagina. Like, holy shit, I'm in there. I'm in there. And girls that would grab your dick, and girls wouldn't did you have those girls that like everyone would pass around like during movies like when they had the projectors out and then like she'd be like oh we got the finger some girls yeah there was some girls that would just let dudes finger them yeah that's a good thing you know i mean that's there's a balance you need your pussy it's a balance to this universe you know and it's not necessarily a good thing that those girls are so needy that they're doing that,

but there's a cause and effect, and it's not her fault. That's what people have to realize. Whenever girls do really overreaching things to get attention, it's because they didn't get enough attention. It's really that simple. Or they got the wrong kind of attention. They got fucked up, and it's not their fault, man. That's something that takes a long time to figure out.

You don't realize that for a while. Yeah, man. I mean, people just sort of judge people by what they see. And that's one of the more interesting things about having children is you start judging people by how they became that thing. How did you get to be this,

this angry, like really like deceptive, you know, shitty, selfish person who's ruining lives and stealing from people. And how does a person get to be a murderer? receptive, shitty, selfish person who's ruining lives and stealing from people? How does a person get to be a murderer? How does a person get to be a robber who breaks into people's houses when you know they're not going to be around?

How do you get to be that person? Well, a bunch of shit has to go wrong. There's a bunch of people who have to fail you. You started off nothing but potential. That's what a person is. Nothing but potential. And that is the number one thing that we don't pay attention to. And it's the number one thing that's fucking up this world is that people are raised by people that don't have any idea how to raise the most complex thing ever.

A developing human being. It's the most complex thing we know of. It's a thing that literally can create an atomic bomb that can blow up the fucking world. That's how powerful the human mind is. and you're leaving it to assholes you're leaving it to a bunch of people that have no idea how to raise a person correctly and weren't raised correctly themselves so i have all sorts of baggage that they're carrying into this this relationship between mother and daughter and father and son and you know most people have no idea how the fuck they got into the place they're at right now they live their life on momentum you know and raising a human when you're stuck on momentum and screaming at people in traffic and

calling your wife a cunt and you know kicking your dog and now you got a baby okay this guy has a baby all right now what happens now this baby's fucked guy has a baby. All right, now what happens? Now this baby's fucked, and he's being raised by a shithead, and that's most of what's going on in the world. Most of the problems is a lack of compassion, and a lack of compassion from birth to adulthood. And it's so common, and it's not being addressed. Nobody talks about it. Everybody wants to talk about oil. Everybody wants to talk about, oh, what are. And it's not being addressed. Nobody talks about it.

Everybody wants to talk about oil. Everybody wants to talk about, oh, what do we do when we run out of oil? What will we do when peak oil becomes a problem in this country? When will we step up and learn? But nobody looks at the number one commodity that humans have to offer.

That's humans. Our best commodity is humans. And the more potential that you can have in that commodity, the better the more potential that you can have in that commodity the more the better the world would be for everybody but the problem is that the people that have billions of dollars are a bunch of cunts and they want to hold on to that money with their greasy old moisturizing cream fucking leather hands because they've had it their whole life and they've been in this position of privilege and they understand what it takes to make 16 billion dollars you know how many people

i had a payoff you know how many lobbyists i had a bribe you know that i earned this fucking boat you know yeah but that's the the the extreme form of uh you know the the wrong parts of the competitive aspects of capitalism. Did you see Queen of Versailles? No, what is that? Oh, my God. What is it? It's a documentary.

It's so fucking funny. You're not the first person to say it. What is it about? It's about the guy who he started. It's the world's biggest time shareholder company. Oh, I know. Westgate, I think it's called, or it was called something like that. I think it's Westgate. company westgate i think it's called or it was called something like that i think it's westgate anyways a few years ago he went about building the largest home in the united states um it was

90 000 square feet i think okay 90 000 square feet and it was modeled after versailles the palace in france and he just so happened to be doing this, and a documentary crew was filming him for this purpose, and it happened in 08 when the market crashed. They had a lion? Oh, my God, he has a throne. Sure, sure, sure. I'm a 43-year-old mother of eight.

I thought she was the most-old mother of eight. I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world. It took me a while to fall in love with him. Whoa. We have a great relationship. There's 30 years between us, but he doesn't need Viagra. At least there is that option if he does. Like, I don't know if 10 years from now.

We never sought out to build the biggest house in America. It just kind of happened. It's bigger than the White House. Two tennis courts. 30 bedrooms. Full-size baseball field. 10 kitchens. Antique furniture.

90,000 square feet. Oh, my God. No, that's not my room. That's my closet. No way. Nothing's really normal about this life. We are in line to do a billion dollars in sales for the year. We're on top of the world.

And it came to a screeching halt. The market fell over 700 points. I would say it's touch and go right now. We don't talk about financial problems. I guess I'll have to watch the movie to find out what's going on in my life. Everything changes. This is almost like a riches to rags story. She knows we need to cut back, but she's still compulsive.

What time is it now? Well, if I could afford a watch, I would tell you. Bankers are like vultures. Our big problem is vegas our lenders have made it very clear that he'll have more money than he knows what to do with he can go back to building his house if he turns over this building go for my dead body you can buy the palace that timeshare mogul david siegel already wants to sell just think of the bright side you might not have to clean this house. The American dream is raising way up above what you started with. And that is what she has done.

When you're down is when you find out who your true friends are. You get strength from your marriage? No. I'm in this fantasy world, you know. It's phenomenal. Oh, my God. She is completely oblivious to how she, like. How she comes off? Well, when they start having to make cutbacks. Yeah. Their cutbacks are things like, we're not flying private. We're flying, you know, commercial. And, like, she picks up, like, one of her kids.

They land, and she picks up her kid at the airport. And she's like, what do you think of flying commercial? Was her kid at the airport she's like what's it what do you think of flying commercial was that crazy and the kid's like i don't even know you're talking about like you're just planes right she's like yeah commercial or they go to rent a car to visit her friend at the airport and they're like it hurts and then she's like so will the driver like meet me out front or how does this work and he's like this is hurts rent a car and she's like what is that like there's no driver and he's like no you're the driver you're renting a car right now she's like okay i just i don't know all right whoa like that that's pretty removed from society

where she's she's living in such a fantasy world how much money did homeboy lose um i mean nine figures for sure for sure yeah but he's been um that's like a hundred million dollars yeah so over a hundred million for sure of personal stop and think about that nine figures yeah yeah yeah he lost a substantial amount of money oh my god and then you know because the property is basically basically what happened was his business is a luxury business, but it's luxury for the middle class. So timeshares are something where it's like if you have a good job, like, you know, you can more than pay your bills. You can afford to do something like let's go to Disney World this year. Let's go to Vegas.

But they sell you on, well, you can afford to do this. And it's people who have that, you know, extra money, some disposable income, but not like super wealthy. What does it mean when you have a timeshare? Does it mean like you have this month and I have that month? It's exactly like that. It's like you get to come to this awesome timeshare, whichever, let's say you like Vegas.

You have the timeshare in Vegas. And two weeks out of every year, maybe you get to pick your month. If you pay more or sometime during the year, let's say every July maybe you get to pick your month if you pay more or sometime during the year let's say every July you get your Vegas place it's yours and it's fully furnished and it's awesome but other people have the keys to it yes yeah so it's not who are the other people though people who like you signed up for this service they're not like your friends no no it's total strangers see yeah no but but there is a property. But there is a property manager that's on site that holds the keys for you, and then you have to go through him.

Oh, I see. You're basically... It's in a hotel, then. You're paying to go back to the same place and be like, this is my shit. But it's not really. And you don't keep a TV there, and you don't keep a stereo there. I mean, it's probably, I'm sure, furnished with all that stuff. But what happened was... It's probably, for a lot, furnished with all that stuff. But what happened was –

It's probably for a lot of people more comfortable than going to a hotel. Definitely. And probably better if you can eat healthy food. My family's do it all the time. That's the thing is that – Go to a supermarket and shop like you're at home. And you can get a way higher end place than you would – like if you were renting the equivalent at a hotel,

you're not going to get like a three-bedroom suite like you're going to get at your timeshare. Right, right, right. But – How much do you have to pay a year? I don't know. I don't know the actual – It's not that much.

It's probably – like the one I went to because I actually got suckered in doing one of those. You did it? You had a timeshare? When I was 18, my stupid roommate, he was like, hey, I want a vacation. And I'm like, oh, good. This is so perfect that Brian did this. And then so we went to florida he's like all we have to do is find a way to florida and then we have five days in the bahamas and i'm like fuck yeah so we get there and we had to like fly

like spend our own money to fly to florida or we could have drove there and then we get there and then like the first day we checked in uh to this like hotel it was all paid for i was like this is sweet uh he was like all right well we got to go to this condo thing was all paid for. I was like, this is sweet. He was like, all right, well, we've got to go to this condo thing. We have to just do this little thing for a couple hours. Seminar. And he totally did not tell me that we had to do this every day. Like for two hours. Every day?

Yeah, except for the last two days. How many days were you there for? I think five days. What? So every day they just went to a new level of trying to... And every day I would say the same thing. I'm like, I'm 18. I was like, do you really think I can do this? How did you even get me here?

So every day what were they saying to you? They would show us the condos, which they were all amazing, but they would walk us around. And then like the next day we would go to a different part of – at the time it was Florida. This is the worst. What happened is like the last two days it was in Bahamas. He didn't tell me that either. He's just like, five days in Bahamas. But it was in Pompano, Florida the time it was Florida. This is the worst. What happened is the last two days was in Bahamas. He didn't tell me that either.

He's just like, five days in Bahamas. But it was in Pompano, Florida the whole time. So he just went to all these different condo places in Pompano, and they were like, and this is this so-and-so place. So it was in the Bahamas? Not the first three days. The last two days. The last two days.

They fly you to the Bahamas? You take a boat cruise thing over to the Bahamas. How long does that take? Like three hours. Not that far. You can get to the Bahamas on a boat in three hours? Yeah, I think so. Wow.

Yeah. But what sucked is every day they tried to get you to sign this contract. And it was fucking hardcore. They were like, no, you need to sit down here and talk. And I'm like, look, I don't. Every day? Who were these young guys? Who were the guys who were trying no these were older older people you know it's like what were they saying to you they were like do you understand you're at the

perfect age and i'm sure your credit you know and this would be a good investment in your life because you can like you know rent this out sub rent it out and you will always have this really cool place you know in the pomp the Pompano's or whatever. Also telling you, like, if you don't use it for the weeks that you get it, you could rent it out. You could rent it out to other people and make a profit from it. And actually, it's going to cost you this, but you could rent it. Right. Exactly.

And I want to say it was probably something like you paid once, like a huge chunk of money. Like, I want to say it was like something ridiculous, like $10,000. And then every year you pay like a maintenance fee or something like that. That's like $200. I want to say it was like something ridiculous like ten thousand dollars and then every year you pay like a maintenance fee or something like that that's like two hundred dollars i want to say it's something like that so it's a top heavy sort of thing yeah definitely top heavy and they were like always they were saying like look we have the best financial solutions we have these are we we are friends with the people at the bank we will get you you know the best rate that we can get you for 20 years to divide that $10,000 out to probably $30,000 after finance charges. It's a scam.

Right. It's kind of a bit of – I mean it's one of those scams that's been around for a long time though, the high-pressure marketing scam. It's like a legit scam. You're allowed to do that. You're allowed to do – you're allowed to do but that that kind of like high pressure shit if you're like socially awkward or weird you could really crack people with that you know i was just getting really pissed and the other thing you they that you we had to pay for all the tax of all the hotels that we stayed at so at the end of they

were like all right you owe 800 in taxes so i ended up having to like back then like ohio days 800 like we both had to pay 400 or something like that that was a shit load of money that drained my bank account and then like i only had 300 so that my room my roommate gave me the extra 100 and then i never paid him back because i was like look dude that was bullshit i'm sorry that you did not tell me any of this you said we we had a free vacation. I'm sorry, but you made me spend an extra blah, blah amount of money. And so we stopped talking ever since then. And then we became enemies for a long time just because of over $100. Isn't it funny how something like that could go wrong?

You could just decide that that person is your enemy. You fucked me out of $100. It's just bullshit, man. It's definitely bullshit. It's not enemy. Right. It fucked me out of $100. It's just bullshit, man. It was like – It's definitely bullshit. It's not a vacation. Well, it's also – they would probably have to pay you a lot of money to make you sit there and listen to those people. Right. And in the end, what you did spend, you probably could have done almost the same thing with your $400 or whatever the hell it would have cost.

I mean how much can you go to like on the cheap to the Bahamas for and stay in the cheapest place possible? I bet you we ended up spending more money. You might have. Between the two of you? You might have. If you both got a two-bedroom hotel room. That's another thing. The hotels were just, like, that was one thing I said.

Like, it's three and a half or above hotel. It was, like, very borderline. It was, like, courtyard at the Marriott. You know what I mean? Dude, that's, I gotta tell you, one thing about... I think this happens with the older you get, too,

is I will not compromise on certain shit. Like certain... Toilet paper? Well, just certain... Like, hey, man, do you want to go see this shit and backpack with eight people

but we'll see something awesome? Nah, man, I don't want to do that. I'm not saying I have to have four seasons. I can't want to do that like if i i'm not saying i have to have four seasons and that like i can't you know afford to do that and i'm not um like i'm basically not going to take a trip if i can't do it at least at a level that i'm comfortable with you know you know what though man i agree with you most of most of the time but uh you know i went on that show meat eater and we were camping for five nights in the Missouri Breaks. But that's a trip you... The Missouri River Breaks.

You want to do that. You want that experience. I'm not saying... If that experience were presented to me, I would consider that for what it is. Right. But I met a dude who was like, yeah, I've been to the Bahamas. I went on a mail boat, bringing mail over, and slept with basically the mail carrier and the letters.

And I was like, nah, dude. I don't want to do that. The problem with that is I'm the same way. I'm kind of grumpy. I'm getting the older I get. Of course. But I went on this trip to Joshua Tree where we stayed in this little RV. And I was so against it.

I'm like, look, I want to go to Joshua Tree, but I don't want to stay in some shitty RV in the middle of some campground. Why can't we just stay somewhere? And I was being a bitch about the whole thing until we got there, and it ended up being the coolest adventure ever. I would never have done it. Or like, this girl I know wants me to go camping with her. I'm doing the same thing

where I know if I go, I might have a great fucking time. You'll probably have a great time. I'm just being grumpy. But that's again a specific experience, I think, though, too. You know what I mean? It has the group experience in mind going into it, is going to something like that. If somebody goes, hey, man, do you want to go to Paris right now?

And you're like, okay. And they're like, now we're going to stay at this place. Well, you won't have your own room or bathroom, but if you get the key from the front desk, I'll be like, you know, I'll wait on Paris for a little while so I can, you know, stay in my own room or something You know what I mean? Like I'm not, I don't want to exactly And the lack of sleep you're going to get

Sleep, what are you going to do? Because you know he's snoring And you know you're snoring, he's going to wake you up It's going to be a goddamn disaster Last time I slept with a dude It was my friend Gary It was coming to LA Please cut that into a ringtone

Last time I slept with a dude Where the dude ringtone. Last time I slept with a dude. Where the dude's at? Last time I slept with a dude. Boop, boop. He came to stay with me, and he didn't have enough money for a hotel. He was out here doing some shit from New York. He's a comic as well. You know Gary Valentine?

Yeah, of course. You know Gary Valentine? Yeah. Kevin's brother. And this motherfucker. I never heard anybody snore like this before. It was crazy. It's crazy, right?

It was crazy. In the middle of that, I had a gap. I would go, are you fucking kidding me? But this is when we were kids. We were both in our early 20s. It was in the early 90s. A couple years ago, I stayed at the West Palm Beach. It had a condo.

And I was down there. And my buddy Chuck came to town. Chuck's 6'5", like 290, big, big dude. And he was like, yo, can I crash? The condo has like a, you know, whatever, a bedroom and a living room. I was like, yeah. He goes, lays in the bed, and before I even can sit down, I hear him not just snoring, but he also grinds

his teeth. Oh my gosh. And it sounded like a monster was doing it. He's such an enormous person. I laid on the couch in that condo with my noise-canceling headphones, a shirt over my eyes so that the light could block it out, and a mouthguard in my mouth so that I didn't snore.

And he came out and he was like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm like, you, man. You came to visit, and now mouth guard in my mouth so that i didn't snore and he came out he was like what the fuck are you doing like what i'm like you man you came to visit and now you've ruined my night that's what happened like that yeah snoring is gross oh my god the grinding thing's the worst that's just it's scary sounding yeah it's like skeletons why do people do that they say it's stress or whatever no i'm a clin. I'm a clincher. The dentist said, no, that's actually okay. You clinch. That's why you have really strong. Many of my teeth are cracked from weightlifting.

What? Yeah. Really? My weight lifts are fucking. Your teeth are cracked from that? You must be throwing some serious weight, man. I'm a very strong person. Yeah.

Tommy James. My man. But yeah, he told me to wear a mouth guard when I lift weights no shit yeah it's probably do you do like squats years of

hitting the bag as well like I don't hit the bag with a mouthpiece on when you when you bite down you know when you're really digging into something

you actually lose a lot of power if you don't bite down it's really strange I don't understand it really yeah yeah it doesn't seem like you can hit as hard when your mouth is open.

It's like your whole body needs to work together as you explode out on impact. And when your mouth is open a little, I think there's a lack of power to that. It's kind of strange. But it's very difficult to get a full amount of power and explosive energy when you have your mouth open. They actually did tests on it. And I think it was the basis of one of those mouth guards they had. They had this power guard where they proved that if you bit down on it, it would actually increase the amount of weight you could lift. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. Like they aligned your jaw in a certain way that increased the amount of power that your body had. I don't understand that. I don't know why that would be the case. But for some reason, you can't hit as hard when your mouth's open. That's really interesting. I know like breathing can affect like how you – like holding your breath versus breathing related to a lot of physical things makes a huge difference

huge difference yeah and being able to sustain like a an in and out you know breath versus like holding your breath that's one of the biggest issues in jujitsu is breathing learning how to breathe right and that's why the really the best guys are all really into yoga and pranayama and learning breathing techniques and stuff like that because if you can control your breath and your your diaphragm is a muscle that you can control much like you can control your arms or your legs yeah and there's certain guys like this is dude hicks and gracie's like the greatest jujitsu guy ever and he does all this crazy yoga shit with his stomach where he sucks his stomach in it's's really freaky to watch, man.

But the guy has like absolute control of his breathing. That's incredible. And because of that, I mean, not just because of that, because he's also incredibly talented, just has a wealth of knowledge of jiu-jitsu. He's a master. He's a true master. And on top of that, he's also a yogi.

That breathing shit is like – it's super important, coordinating your breath. With striking as well, not just with jujitsu. When you kick the bag, when you kick a person, you breathe out as you strike. Yeah. You know? And that's why – and a lot of like the karate and even in Muay Thai, they're not like the same thing. They kiat. They yell out when they hit things.

And Thai guys do that a lot in training. You hear them like, yeah, yeah. And when you go to see Thai fights, they yell out. The audience or the trainers yell out, oh, oh. They yell out. And it's like you're tightening up as you're delivering the shot yeah and also to protect you a little bit if you get hit yourself i know a lot of the um like the heavy bench press guys yeah what they're trying to rep out on heavy weight it's always uh one in and one out yeah it's supposed to go like take one breath in and push it out with one breath

you know and that's how and they try to do like 225 like 30 fucking times that shit is like all you know it's better than going you hold your breath and you're out it totally fucks up the rhythm of it you know what's crazy to do what's really hard to do that i i enjoy doing i enjoy it as an exercise is a minute in, a minute out. Really? Yeah. I take a one-minute breath in, a slow one-minute breath in, and then a slow one-minute breath out. And it's very hard to not freak out and just start in the middle of it. It's very hard.

I did it in like 30 seconds, but I did it a lot. I do it in the tank. And that's how I start my tank sessions. I start my tank sessions by completely controlling my breathing. Have you always been able to do that? No. No, I had to build up to it. Okay.

Yeah, your buddy, what is it? Denny, right? Denny, yeah. Powerful Denny? Yeah, powerful Denny. He said he does yoga like every morning. Oh, yeah. Denny's a bad motherfucker.

Yeah, yeah. Denny's a world champion in jiu-jitsu. Yeah, he's been. I've known Denny since he was a young kid. He's a great guy. He's awesome. Denny Propokos. He runs 10th Planet Jiu-jitsu. Yeah, he's been. I've known Denny since he was a young kid. He's a great guy. He's awesome. Denny Propokos. He runs 10th Planet Jiu-Jitsu in San Francisco.

He's a young man, but he's also a master. He's a developing master as he's getting better. But he's really into yoga right now, yoga and meditation. He had a few back issues, and he actually gave me some pointers because I had a bulging disc in my back. It's actually been getting better, but Denny went through some back issues himself, and he did a very strict regimen of yoga. It was like a type of tension.

It's like a spinal decompression where it's literally like pulling your neck with this cord, spinal decompression where it's like literally like pulling your neck while there's cord and he did this like very disciplined over a course of like five or six weeks or something like that fixed his issue denny has that quality too you know we were talking about how you can sense bad energy and like dangerous denny to me has um like just being around a few moments you sense like a type of balance like i i get the feeling from him that I do from a lot of people who are very disciplined. There's a certain intensity to them, but there's also like a certain amount like you

can feel like their control at work. Like there's such disciplined characters. A lot of times like really good athletes, there's that like energy that they bring into a room. You know, like I know these guys that do like triathlons and stuff, they have this, it's like a quiet intensity to them.

Right, right. You meet them and you can feel their presence. Their discipline comes through just when they speak to you. Yeah, absolutely. And they're the best type of people to be around. Yeah. The best type of people to be around. Good influence.

Inspirational influence. I agree, I agree agree and uh denny then he's definitely inspirational he's just i love them i love the fact that i've seen him as a young man so i met him when he's very young i think it was like 17 or 18 and he was always a cool kid i mean even back then he was great but to see him evolve and develop and become the man he is now, I love seeing that, man. I love seeing people progress. I love seeing people get it together. Yeah. Like I was telling Tony Hinchcliffe the other day, I had him on the podcast, and I was like,

I love the fact that in the time I've known you, you became a really good comedian. Sure. You know, I love that. I love that. I didn't know a guy. He started out, and then I meet him a couple years later, and he's a great comedian. Oh, look at this. We got one right there.

It's pretty awesome. It's fucking amazing. He's great. I love Tony, man. He's hilarious. So funny. He's a total natural. Yeah.

And, like, the best comics are the ones that can't even help themselves. Like, if a joke is in the room, to be said, he just jumps on it. He dives on it like a fucking grenade. Yeah, absolutely. I love that feeling with comics yeah i love the um and i love seeing like i have so many friends who i started out with who i'm like proud of just watching them as my friends yeah you know like absolutely i was where i brought uh you met matt full strong i brought him yeah i love that dude i mean he can't help himself either yeah you know you're in the room what a great personality that

guy has matt full charge nice is the best fun and he's a when you're around him he's all he's like got a legit smile and then all of a sudden you're smiling and everybody's he's a great guy there's certain guys like that like we only talked like a little bit but i could tell like right away he's awesome yeah he's awesome and um you know he had the week off and i asked him to come with to do the show saturday did. To do Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday. And he fucking brought the house down every set. It was awesome. Really?

Yeah. He killed. I would imagine he'd be really funny. Yeah. Anybody that came to the shows Friday night and all the weekend, thank you very much. You guys were awesome. San Jose was the shit. That was the shit.

Northern California might be the best place on earth. It's awesome. It really might be. I mean, the weather's not the best. It's not the shit. Northern California might be the best place on earth. It's awesome. It really might be. I mean, the weather's not the best. It's not the best. But as far as like human beings, as far as intelligence, like vibing with human beings, I think I vibe better with Northern California people than anybody on the planet. Really?

I really do. I have some friends that live up there, and whenever I go to hang with them, I always feel like, God damn it, why don't I live in Northern California? It's awesome. It's better. Yeah. You know, the weather sucks a fat dick, though. Unless, you know, that's only a negative if you don't enjoy sucking fat dicks.

Sucking dicks, yeah, man. But if you enjoy sucking fat dicks, I'm just talking from my own personal perspective. I'm not trying to be sexist nor homophobic. Some of them are too big to really get in your mouth right. Especially if it's like a demon dick or a big, giant warthog that only wants to mouth fuck you. Yeah. That's not beyond the realm of possibility. I watch a chimp fuck a frog.

Wow. You ever watch a chimp fuck a frog's face? No. There's a video of it. There's a video of it online. Have you seen it? See if you can pull it up, Jamie. I have seen pornos

where I see the girl really struggle to get a guy's soft dick into her mouth, and I'm like, that's a big dick right there. Yeah. She's really struggling with his limp. She's like. Plus her mouth is all dry.

Wow. It's really fucking stretching out her mouth. When you're on all that meth, it's tough to generate saliva. Yeah, they have dry blowjobs that take too long. Dry blowjobs take too long. That's. Are we about to see this? This chimp rapes a frog.

He makes this frog suck him off. So, because we know this exists, because we know that this chimp takes this frog and picks it up and puts it on his little chimp cock and fucks it,

because we know that exists, I don't think it's that preposterous to propose that in an alternate world there could be a giant boar that makes you suck his cock. Wow. All he wants to do is hold a person down and fuck his face.

He's raping that mouth right now. Yeah, he fucks it. He fucks that frog. And then Fleshlight was born. Look at him. And by the way, this is not the only time this has happened. There's another video of a chimp fucking a frog. Apparently, when chimps get frogs, they fuck them.

You can't. That guy's beaten off using that frog. This is some shit we never saw in Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. Yeah. Okay? They would have edited this out. We need the internet to give us this information.

Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom would have you believe that chimps are cute friends to be taken with on rides in semis, on sitcoms. This is what they are.

Chimp is busted. I respect this. Murderous frog rapers. To be fair, I bet it does feel pretty decent. Probably feels alright. Don't you feel better about your own impulsive nature when you see that? I would try a snake, though.

Cut off the head and fuck the snake. Not a bad idea, but the hole. You need a hole. Frogs have a nice big hole. If you can keep them from clamping down on your cock and balls. And I think that maybe chimps probably have a much more leathery cock skin. I think that was the whole idea in the beginning. We had more leathery cock skin, and then that's why the head retracted.

You have the sensitive tip, and that's what makes you shoot. But the average cock back in the day was probably a lot tougher than the cocks of today. These fucking dicks today, they can't take branches, snap it into them, or rub it up against gravel where you fucking try to climb up the rocks at the beach. No, these cocks are today are weak. Yeah, because you would fuck winches and you wouldn't wash it off. You're just like, you know that. Wenches?

Is that what they used to be called? Wench. Not a winch. Winches? You don't fuck a winch. A winch is a thing you put on the back of a truck to pull a log out of a ditch. That's a winch. A wench.

Winches. I think because I got in trouble for saying winches on Fear Factor why were they black ones or like sandwiches no I was trying to motivate a girl

and she was on an all girls Fear Factor and there was these other girls that were saying don't do it don't do it because she was scared

and so they were trying to make her more scared and I said hey I go listen listen to me don't listen to those catty winches

wow so what like what would a wench be today? Like a hoe? Yes. Apparently, what they said, the reason why I got in trouble is because apparently a wench is like a prostitute. I mean, we're talking medieval time, folks. Okay. Is that what it really means?

Doesn't it mean what it means in the cultural context? In the cultural context where I grew up in Boston, a wench was a chick like, he's fucking wench it's like she was kind of a bitch she was like a little bitch i don't think you know wenches and so a catty wench would not be a prostitute it would be a chick that talks too fucking much and uh is trying to damage a young lady's confidence in completing a challenge for fifty thousand dollars000. Wench. Patty Wench. But people get all upset. Or they got all upset. And this was back in the day.

I mean, this is a Fear Factor, like, season two or something like that. It's not like today. If you said anything like that today, you'd probably get arrested. You know, somebody tweeted, like, that Ari said on his recent podcast, Punch Drunk, that he doesn't believe half the stories I say. Half the stories you say? Yeah. And I'm like, why would I make that shit up?

It's merely because you're a little awkward. Right. A little. But, yeah. And you've been known to tell a story a bit on the exaggerating side. To make it more exciting, maybe. Occasionally. But it doesn't mean that the meat is still real.

You're not a liar. I really think you just need to follow me around to these massage parlors and stuff if you don't believe me. Yeah, you also live an extraordinary life sexually that I'm sure he's not really able to deal with now. I just hate that. Because he knew you back in the day when you were kind of a zero. I just hate that shit. Now you're a hero. I hate that shit.

I hate when it's stuff like that, though. Like, hey, if you really don't believe my stories, why don't you ask me? Here's really what I think. Why care? Why does he care and why do you care? Why does everyone hate him? You guys are friends. What is that about?

It's a distracting amount. It's an energy distraction. It's not something to focus on for him or for you. He shouldn't have focused on it. You shouldn't have focused on it. You know, it's like there's other things. And sometimes you're on a podcast and you're ranting and he wants to keep it real. And that's really what he thinks.

You know, there's that too. But it's unnecessary. When you do that, especially like with a friend, you put out like a certain amount of energy. You put out a certain thing. You know, you put it's unnecessary. It's, it's, you, when, when you do that, especially like with a friend, you put out like a certain amount of energy, you put out a certain thing, you know, you put it out there and then, okay,

well then that has to be like responded to it. Like it's being responded to now. Right. And he probably didn't even think about that when he did it. But if he just said it or if he just thought it and then didn't say it, it'd be way better off. Or if he wanted to talk to you about it, just say, Hey man, I just want to tell you.

Sometimes you tell stories and I think they're fucking – I don't trust them. Right. And then I would say, what story are you? Yeah. But, you know, you do tell a squirrely story on occasion. Tell me one. I can't remember them all. Because I could have people that were involved in the story there.

No, no, no, no. Listen. Okay. Well, that's even more ridiculous because there. No, no, no, no. Listen. Okay, well, that's even more ridiculous because you're saying you've never exaggerated or told the story a little squirrelly. I would have to have an example. You dunked in high school? Huh? No, never did that. I'm saying as an example, I would probably be prone to saying something like, yeah, that girl was fucking hot, man.

She was like an LA 10. When maybe she was like a LA 10, you know, when maybe she was like a 7 or 8. Nothing wrong with that. Something like that. Nothing wrong with that. Like slight exaggerations. But I appreciate it when someone tells me the truth.

Like Ari would tell me the truth. I'd go, what did she look like? He'd go, LA 6, maybe. Right. Maybe. Right. He wouldn't say, oh, she was a 10. She was the greatest piece of ass ever.

You know, everybody appreciates that more than they appreciate exaggeration. Because exaggeration, although I enjoy it, like Joey Diaz style exaggeration is the greatest fucking thing on earth. Absolutely. I mean, so in a way,

it's hypocritical to say you don't enjoy exaggeration. Right. It's just saying you don't enjoy... But, you know, Joey also tells a very honest story as well with the crazy saturations that you know are for comedic effect i mean it's like part of the fun of it all but that's also

part of like each of these people's nature yeah like ari is a guy who he's not like i'm gonna add all this little spice to the story he doesn't like it when you do it either right he's very specific yeah he doesn't want you to bullshit him because he's not a bullshitter. But that's his own trip too. His own trip is that he's very focused and ambitious now, and he doesn't want to hear any nonsense. And that's because he's on a great groove right now. He doesn't want anything getting hijacked,

whether it's his time hijacked with a fake story or someone giving him a fake impression of what happened. Another guy who you've witnessed make a huge, crazy leap. Dude, we were with Ari when Ari was first starting. Yeah. You know, at the store. I think when Ari came to the store, I hate that I don't know this, but I don't know if he started.

I think he started out his first sets in D.C., right? Uh-huh. I don't know. I think. But then when he came over, the D.C. improv, right? Because I remember him having a hard time for them

taking him seriously. You say Baltimore? I thought he was from Baltimore. No he's from Washington DC. It's close enough. It's close but he's not from Baltimore. No he's from Washington DC. But

he's from Maryland. I mean DC and Maryland I mean they're like right next to each other. Yeah. And Virginia's right there too. Anyway point being he came over here when he was fairly new to comedy, you know, but he was a really smart dude.

He was always a smart dude. We became friends like immediately. He was a young kid hanging out at the comedy store. And, you know, I remember at first he was like, you know, everybody's weird around people that are already like successful when you're an amateur. You can't believe you're allowed to even talk to them. Of course. You get weird.

But then once you get past that weirdness, you realize, oh, that's just Tommy Lawrence. Or Tommy Lawrence. What's his name? What's the fucking guy from In Living Color? Tommy Davis. Tommy Davis. Confusing with Joey Lawrence for some reason. Oh!

Because the first time I saw Joey Lawrence, it was like one of the first celebrities I ever saw. And I was on the set of News Radio, and Joey Lawrence had a show right next to our show. And he had his Mercedes there, and he had his leg outside the car, and he's singing along to his own song. And I showed up, and I was kind of starstruck.

I was like, holy shit, that's Joey Lawrence. And there's Joey Lawrence. Wow. That's Joey Lawrence, like singing his own music. His own shit. By his own car. Yeah. So Tommy Davidson was another one. I remember first talking to Tommy Davidson at the comedy store.

Tommy Davidson was like, hey, man, what's going on, man? Like, he didn't know who the fuck I was. I was nobody. When I first came to the store, I mean, I might have been a paid regular, but I might not even been a paid regular yet. And then I realized, oh, Tommy Davidson is just a comic a comic you know like we're all just comics sure and then i always tried to be the same way with guys young guys like young guys coming up i always tried to make sure i let them all know like we're all just the same fucking thing just because that's tim

ellen just because you see george carlin over there he's a comic they're comics everybody's cool here you know this is a cool environment yeah and ari was like one of the first guys that i saw go from being like you know like an open mic or to like a fucking legit headliner like a real headliner who comes up with an hour's worth of new shit every year it's pretty crazy he's a bad motherfucker yeah he was great at your uh your uh your thing for your dog he was killing us both, man. We were in the back just fucking howling. So important to have good comedy, man.

Without good comedy, our life would not be nearly as interesting, man. It wouldn't be as interesting to perform because you'd be looking around at all this other stuff and you wouldn't be enjoying yourself. It wouldn't be as interesting to watch. Of course course your fucking clock is not right brian of course the thing meows but it's an hour behind you yes i'm looking at your clock i'm like why do i have to pee so bad yeah i haven't even been sitting here that long i'm gonna take a piss and uh don't let him talk about anything too silly when i'm gone okay okay hey no silliness brian uh so to Tommy, we should talk about your podcast.

You just... You just... All right, let's talk about something really silly. Okay. Okay. Oh, my God. I got the silliest thing. Poop update?

May 2nd, I'm in Toronto. And I'm doing this show at the Underground Comedy Club. And then May 17th, I'm in Portland at the Funhouse Lounge, and we added a second show at 10.30. How silly is that? All right, I'm going to be in May 3rd, or I'm going to be in Sacramento. And then May 4th, I'm going to be in Sacramento. And May 5th, I'm going to be at Cobbs in San Francisco,

and I'm bringing Sam Tripoli and Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, this is silly. And you know what? I was wondering, because you've been doing some shows with your lovely wife, Christina Pajewski. Pajewski, yes. And how did that go?

Do you see a future of you guys doing on the road a lot now? That's what we're doing the 17th and 18th. It has to be great. We're doing Portland and Seattle. Bro, together. Yeah, man.

That's awesome. Yeah, dude. It's going to be awesome. See, this is silly conversation and your dog Theo is now better Theo's coming with us and

are you really yes absolutely and he's doing much better thanks again for doing the show man it was awesome of you yeah that was really cool man actually I met somebody

from a bunch of people from Cartoon Network because of that really yeah what do you mean they were at the show they were at the show

and they were like oh you were great and I'm gonna go check out Cartoon Network Studios pretty soon and maybe possibly pitch an idea to them. That's a good idea, buddy. Me and Joey Diaz as cats, maybe. Oh. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

I've got to talk to you about doing some shows that I think you would find fun and entertaining no dude i don't believe in rabbits that talk dude rabbits that talk have been featured in many cartoons that's the stupidest shit i've ever heard you believe ducks but you don't believe rabbits no that's silly rabbits don't talk they eat carrots actually i was really stoned and i was reading about who framed roger rabbit and how they edited out all these – like the artist – like there's a scene where Jessica Rabbit pops out of the taxi, and you can see her vagina. And there's a few other scenes where like a baby looks up a dress, and there's drool coming out of the baby's mouth. What's that guy's name?

Really? Robert Fleischer? No, the actor. Charles Fleischer. No, no, no. The actor that's opposite Jessica Rabbit. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah.

Bob. No. Haskins? Haskins? Bob Haskins. Yeah, you're right. Haskins. So then I found out that the only version that you can find that part in the movie is on a Laserdisc version.

And there's only one version of that Laserdisc. And so I went on eBay and bought it for $4. Do you have a Laser Player? I do in Ohio. Do you have to go back to Ohio to get it? Yeah, to get it just so I can see her vagina. How do you buy a laser player? Because it's not like turntables.

They still have turntables. Right. No, it's like literally the ones that are out there are the only ones that exist. What's cool about the one I got is I got this really high-tech five-disc changer slash laser disc player, and I was like, this is the best.

It was on clearance for some reason, and then two months later, a DVD came out. I was like, this is the best. It was on clearance for some reason. And then two months later, a DVD came out. I was like, oh, goodbye. Isn't it kind of fucked up that the real sound people, the sound freaks, say that music played over a record sounds the best? Yes. Laser disc is better than DVD, but yet everyone went crazy on DVDs. Is it way better?

Is it better than Blu-ray, though? No, it's not better than Blu-ray. Then suck it. There's no argument. Suck, unless you have a laptop made by Apple who can't work out a deal with Sony. I feel so weak

when I see a fucking PC user whip out his Bluetooth or Blu-ray. Bluetooth? Look at the laptops. The Blu-ray players are in all the PC laptops? Yeah, a lot of PC laptops

have Blu-ray players. Don't you, Apple fanboy on me, fuck. I'm just saying, none of the laptops today have DVD players in them. Because that's Blu-rays. The only ones that don't are Apple ones. Well, they're actually taking them out of most laptops nowadays. You take them out?

Wait, why would you take them out? Why would I take them out? You take them out? No, no, no. You're saying modern laptops, like PC laptops? I'm not up on that. But I did, when I was at my friend, the Google friend's house, I did see the Google laptop with the Chrome operating system. I'm not up on that, but I did, when I was at my friend, the Google friend's house, I

did see the Google laptop with the Chrome operating system. I got to play with that. Touchscreen. Touchscreen laptop. Yeah, but it's all non-local. Everything's like stored in the cloud. That's a horrible idea. That's what supposedly the next Xbox is supposed to be, where you don't buy games.

All your games are on a cloud. So you can only play if you have an internet connection, which drives me fucking crazy. Can you imagine sitting there going, I just want to play video games there's a storm i what the fuck i can't that's ridiculous you should be able to play if you're camping if you're camping you set up a generator you shouldn't have to hook a fucking internet connection to it through your cell phone no like imagine camping you can't get away from your xbox i'm such a second generation guy for that too like i like people to buy that first one that needs all the work and then come through on the second.

Not me, my friend. Yeah, I know. You get everything. I love your dedication to seeing the Jessica Rabbit snatch. One of the episodes of this new show I'm doing is about computer simulation theory. And one of the things I'm doing is I went down to a place

that makes computer games. They actually do 3D scanning. And they scan my face and they're going to put me in this fake game that they created. Oh, wow. Dude, wait until you see this show. This show, I'm getting to do

so much cool shit. Most of it I can't talk about because I can't give away any secrets or anything. Any of the things that we found out. But it's so much fun it's been really interesting because i'm getting to talk to all these like experts i'm getting to talk to all these like interesting intelligent people and crazy people too you know it's been like a couple of months so far or a couple weeks rather and uh in a couple weeks i've had so much fun man i believe 100 in the simulation theory.

It's getting worse and worse and worse. Why do you say that? Like last night, I've been having problems with my website. So I call a dream host who serves it. And it's like five in the morning. This girl lives in California. She works from her house. And she's just helping me out.

And she wants to get your freak on? Well, it's kind of funny you said that. So I was watching this movie, Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie. Ain't nobody got time for that. Huh? Nobody's got time for that. And so in the movie, they're in this mall, and I always find places that have closed down interesting. Like this whole mall is actually a real mall that's in Palm Springs and whatever.

So I'm researching this mall while I'm on hold, trying to get to talk to this girl. And I found out there was all these pictures of this big Marilyn Monroe statue where they took two parts of Marilyn Monroe and put it in front of this mall. Somehow it came up with Google search. And I'm just looking at this crazy Marilyn Monroe thing. And then so I'm talking to this girl. And the next day today, I noticed that she follows me on Twitter or somebody from dream host follows me on twitter who's a girl and uh she like writes me she's like you got somebody on your side i'm helping you out right now i'm checking in that make try to help your website so it's her right so direct message so i go through her photos because i'm gonna see what

she looks like one she's a pretty asian i'm like wow so you've started following her after she was following me right so i i went through and i'm like, wow, she's a pretty Asian girl. Like the fourth photo is her in front of that fucking Marilyn Monroe statue. Never seen it my whole entire life. And now this girl that's helping me out, this Asian girl that's helping me out on Dream Host. Will you guys get trim therapy together? In the next picture, if you backed up one further, you would see her fingering herself with a Death Squad t-shirt on. Yeah, the whole time.

I hope so. This whole time that she's actually the one that hacked my computer have you seen the pictures of ronda rousey with a death squad t-shirt on yeah no this is the fucking coolest thing ever that's very cool seeing ronda rousey giving the thumbs up the baddest chick on the planet yeah but by the way there's a lot of badass chicks on the planet yeah there's a gang of a man there's some skillful women out there there's so lot of badass chicks on the planet. There's a gang of them, man. There's some skillful women out there. There's so many of them. This new fight that they have, the new episode of The Ultimate Fighter, with this girl Kat Zingano and Ronda Rousey together. Look at that.

That's awesome. She's so happy to be wearing it. She's so nice, man. She wants to come on the podcast again, too. She's going to be on somewhere after the beginning of May. And look how badass she is. She has a fucking bed in her kitchen. That's the way to do it.

Yeah, well, she probably lives in a studio. I mean, this is probably the same place. She's one of those chicks that probably wants to keep it real, too. I don't want to say where she lives, but she's awesome. She'll be back here again. But she's fighting Kat Zingano, and they're going to coach against each other on The Ultimate Fighter. And Kat Zingano just beat Misha Tate, who's another beautiful, dangerous girl.

And Kat Zingano, too. They're all, like, pretty girls that can beat the fuck out of you. It's really kind of scary. Yeah. But this Zingano chick is a beast, man. She's so badass. of scary yeah but this zingano chick is a beast man she's so badass she her and misha tate fought and she this the combination that she finished her with dude see pull it up kat zingano versus misha tate the the female fight dude i was watching it at my friend aubrey's place

the female fight was the highlight of the room we were going crazy it was me my friend aubrey and a bunch of his buddies he had like five of his friends over and we were eating um mexican food and watching the fights having a great fucking time yeah but the room went nuts when the misha take katz and gano fight was going down it was chaos these girls were going off on each other dude i mean it seriously might have been one of the most entertaining fights I've ever seen in my life. That's awesome. You've got to see the finish. Just look up the finish.

The whole fight was great. And, you know, Misha Tate came really close to getting her in a heel hook. There was, like, dominant grappling exchanges. And, yeah, you don't want to watch all this stuff. No, although actual fight parts are cut off YouTube, but I think they have, like, highlights right here. Oh, yeah. This is showing you the highlight. You don't have to play all this stuff

because I hope it doesn't get us pulled off of YouTube or something like that. But I probably won't. I mean, I don't imagine it would. Here, I'll just do picture in picture. Did you just show the video? Yeah, they beat the fuck out of each other, man. It was nasty. I mean, it was like such a tightly, tightly contested fight.

And really, Misha Tate was probably getting the better of it on the scorecards. But the end of it, Zingano hits her with that elbow and drops her. And referee Kim Winslow stops the fight. She's a badass, man. You remember the flying knee this week? This is what excites me. It's not just that they're girls anymore. It's now they're like really highly skilled fighters.

They're not just women. It's not just like, hey, and girls can do it too. It's like, no, these chicks are badass. They're not half-assing it. They're all going for it. Sure. And now that Ronda Rousey has become so famous, it's like this is going to open the door to so many female athletes

that have never even considered it before. Start to look at it and go, you know going to open the door to so many female athletes that have never even considered it before. You start to look at it and you go, you know what, I always wanted to kick a bitch's ass. Yeah.

Strap him on. It's going to happen. The show starts in 15 minutes just so you know. Indeed it does, Brian. And we would know much better if you had a fucking clock that was more accurate.

Oh shit. Silly bitch. How dare you, silly bitch. Powerful kitty cat clock. Tommy Seg bitch. How dare you, silly bitch. Powerful kitty cat clock. Tommy Segura, you are the champ. You're one of the greatest humans

I've ever met on my planet. You're a sweetheart too, buddy. I'm honored to be your friend. Me too, man. You guys are the best. I love coming on your show. It's a lot of fun. We love you too as well, my friend. Together, we are stronger. We are. We're like,

um, Genghis Khan would take one arrow. Okay. And you bring it in front of his troop and snap it. Then you take a bundle of arrows and he couldn't snap it. Yeah. Just to let the troops know together we are strong. Together we are strong.

But divided we are weak. That's true. And I, you know, we talked about, I talked about this with you and I talked about it with Christina a lot. It was such a cool thing to have all of you just as friends come out and do our fundraiser for the dog. It was just such a cool feeling for us to have all this support of you guys as friends just wanting to do it.

And then the crowd that night was just, you know. They were magic. They were magic. We love you guys, man. It was awesome, man. I couldn't love you any more than I do. You're awesome. You're beautiful. We appreciate it. We really appreciate guys, man. It was awesome, man. I couldn't love you any more than I do. You're awesome. You're beautiful.

We appreciate it. We really appreciate it. And we appreciate you too, man. You know, look, we're all lucky. We're all lucky bitches. We're all lucky that we know each other

and we got a good group of people. We're going to keep this party rolling, freaks. Since there was no commercial coming in, there's none coming out. Sockets. Holla at your boy.

Holla. Jihad. Hare Krishna. God bless at your boy. Holla. Jihad. Hare Krishna. God bless Duncan Trussell. We love the fuck out of you all. We all are one. Together. One for all.

Something like Robin Hood said. Peace to the gods. Holla at your boy. I'm Segura.com. We love the shit out of you guys. We'll see you Monday with Amy Schumer. Powerful Amy Schumer.

See ya. Love ya. see ya love ya