The Joe Rogan Experience - #353 - Brian Redban

Episode Date: April 29, 2013

Brian Redban is a stand-up comedian, and also runs the Deathsquad podcast network available on Spotify.

Oh, and show's coming up. Yes. Brian and, oh, it's Muff's Head with Brian Kelly. I was so high the other day when we were doing a show, I couldn't even remember her name. I was like, that chick, what's her name? It would suck because I like her. She's very nice. She's awesome.

She's a very, very nice person. And she's got a podcast on the Death Squad Podcast Network, as does our pal Kevin Pereira. Great podcast. Very funny guy. The shows you got coming up are San Francisco on Sunday and Friday and Saturday, Sacramento. Very funny guy. The shows you got coming up are San Francisco on Sunday and Friday and Saturday, Sacramento. Friday and Saturday, we have four

shows at the Punchline in Sacramento. It's me, Sam Tripoli, and Tony Hinchcliffe. A fine show. A fine comedy show. And it's Sunday, Cinco de Mayo. We're going to be in San Francisco at the Cobbs, which is very intimidating. Get out of Sacramento for Cinco de Mayo, we're going to be in San Francisco at the Cobbs, which is very intimidating. Get out of Sacramento for Cinco de Mayo.

An excellent move. Right. Exactly. That is a great move. Oh, that's not. Nothing wrong with some happy drunk Mexicans. Drunk white people that are scarier. Yeah.

You go to DeathSquad.tv and there's all the links for tickets or Dick's party in my mouth. Why are you worried about Sunday? Why are you worried about Sunday? Huh? I'm not worried about Sunday. But you go to DeathSquad.tv and there's all the links for tickets or Dick's party in my mouth. Why are you – are you worried about Sunday? Why are you worried about Sunday? Huh? I'm not worried about Sunday. You said it's intimidating? Oh, the club is so huge there.

I remember going there with you and there was like double layers and it just goes back forever. That's so scary. It should be scary. No, I mean to try to be like – You know that. Filling it is tricky for sure. But the other thing that's weird about those big shows is Cobbs used to be – the old Cobbs was the most intimate club in the country, and it was the smallest club that I worked because it was so cool. Like it was only I think 100 people.

Like maybe at the most they did like 150 people it was really small and i did it a few times and they are you're just in there with them there's everyone's packed in together you see each other you can smell each other you know and it was just so so perfect a comedy club it wasn't a tiny tiny stage like a lot of new york clubs there's a lot of small clubs in new york and uh one of the issues with new New York is space and some of the clubs the stage is so small you're literally standing closer to the audience than I am to you right like you'll be standing on the table like literally and it's just too close to people like you don't have any room to move and so you know is that's fine if

you're one of those up upright standard monologists it just stands there and doesn't do anything but if you want to do anything physical on stage there's literally no room to do it right yeah i i there was one like that in pittsburgh where it was like a sports bar where you're basically sitting on this huge stage in the middle of this room like a like a square and it was just small enough where you felt like you would accidentally fall off at any time and then there was people all around you kind of like in the round type thing right it was so hard to focus on doing comedy when you're like have a little buzz going trying to do comedy like it was just uncomfortable like situation well cobs is a great club even even though the new one's huge, it's still a badass place.

It's just so different. I mean, I do places that are bigger. It's not that it's too big. You know, like I just did the State Theater in New Brunswick. How was it? Oh, it was amazing. Anybody who came out to that show, thank you so much. That was like one of the best crowds we've ever had ever at any show ever.

Really? It was amazing. When Joey Diaz walked on stage, I was kicking myself for not recording it. It was so epic. Dude, he went on stage and people went fucking crazy. They went

fucking crazy. The crowd was intense. It was so good. It was perfect. This might have been the best set I've ever had in my life. That's awesome. It was incredible. This might have been the best set I've ever had in my life. That's awesome. Really. It was incredible. Incredible. Did you eat good?

We ate good. We had a little gats. We had a little mush tabak. A little bit of mozzarella. Yeah, this guy brought a fucking bag filled with bread, like five loaves of bread. And a thing of mozzarella cheese. This gigantic fucking slab of cheese. And I'm not bullshitting.

It was like two loaves of bread. That's how much cheese it was. Did you try to eat it? I didn't try. Joey had it. Joey fucking, he took that thing like a bear burying a caribou in the woods. It's bread and mozzarella. And he took it up to his,

uh, his room. He ate the shit out of that. Man. Yeah, no, it was amazing. Does,

uh, thanks to Gino. Thanks Gino. New Jersey is awesome, man. At least that part was, it's, it's interesting.

Well, it's, uh, it's, it's weird, you know, because I was born there. It's a weird spot.

Jersey is a strange spot. Anyway, but what I was saying, the state theater is much bigger than Cobb's. It's like 2,400 people or something like that. That's insane. It was awesome. It was fucking awesome. It's just a different kind of show. But the intimate shows, like the ones that we do at the Ice House, like Sacramento, that's the perfect room.

Yeah, I love Sacramento. That's the perfect room. Yeah, I love Sacramento. It's the perfect room. What I'm trying to do is hopefully people come out to these shows because I would like to do this every month. Like on their off night, just once a month bring a couple comics up there. It's a good idea. It's a great club. It's the perfect size. It's the perfect height.

It's just set up. It's just old school. Old school, tight club, bar in the back. Sacramento has the most beautiful women in the world. Oh, someone's trying to get some pussy. I see what's up. Boy, so easy, Brian. So easy.

No, they are, though. Sacramento women are fucking hot for some reason. I think it's like all the guys that have money used to go up north when they had money. And then all their kids you know got molested and they all went i find northern california women to be much more interesting yeah yeah yeah i'd like to talk to them more i just i don't know why i mean that's so that's a massive generalization by the way you know but it just seemed like i think here's the bottom line dude where we live is poisoned it's horrible it's poisoned it poisoned. It's poisoned with, like, behavior, like the actors and the business and the whole idea of the chasing fame.

It's like a giant methadone clinic for attention junkies, you know? That's what this area is. It really is. It is. It is. I mean, you just can't. There's no other way you can explain the grand percentage of self-absorbed nimwits that are just dumb people. There's no way to explain it. Yeah, and it really sucks hanging out in certain parts more than others, like especially Hollywood. We didn't even play the music yet.

But you know what? We don't have to play any fucking music. All right. Let's not play music. Let's not play music. Commercials are over, bitch. They've been over for a while. Okay? We don't have to play any fucking music. Let's not play music. Let's not play music this week. Commercials are over, bitch. They've been over for a while. We don't need music.

Sometimes we do, but sometimes fuck it. Let's get crazy. Brian, this is an idea we talked about a couple times. We haven't done one of these in a long time, just you and me. Yeah, and I was just randomly – there was a thread on your message board. Oh, wait. We should probably get to the cameras. There was a thread on the message board that people were like, have you ever started the podcast from number one?

And you were saying earlier like whatever episode this is, like 300-something. 351, I think. Yeah, times that by three hours. How many hours and hours? It would take you, I think, over a month i would i'm guessing a month and a week i would say uh to to listen to it straight yeah well you know what podcasting sort of uh highlights highlight highlights highlighted sword highlight um for me is how fucking crazy i am like i never really knew how crazy i was until we started doing these podcasts and then uh 351 podcasts later, I realized like, well, how did I even do that?

Like where do I even have the time to do these fucking things? Between this and jiu-jitsu and comedy and the UFC and family stuff. How the fuck do you even have time? Like if I didn't, you know, if it wasn't me and I had to look at him, I'm like, Jesus Christ, what's wrong with that guy? Yeah. Why is he doing so much shit? You are doing a lot of shit. Yeah, but it's all cool.

Yeah. You know? You're going to burn yourself out, man. No, no, I'm fine. I feel burnout like crazy lately. Yeah. As long as I continue working out, as long as I eat good, stay away from the sauce. Get off the booze, kid.

That's ruining your life. Yeah? Yeah, it's the sauce for sure. Because if I have a couple, go out and have a shot and a beer. Even just a shot and a beer. The next day, I'm like, ew. Not quite. Not like wrecked.

Right. I've been wrecked for sure. Last time I was wrecked was Aubrey and I in Brazil. Drank absinthe, you know. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, I did that in Seattle when we had our shows up there that night. Well, you know, we were there, and just by some freak of nature, there was these guys from New Hampshire that were there, too,

that were in town. You know, I think they probably were there to see the UFC as well, and we all just started doing absence together. Yeah. Fuck that shit. Yeah. That gives you a weird hangover. Fuck yeah, it does.

It's not worth it. I got sick because I was hungover, got to the airport, felt like shit, went through all the lines and all that. So my immune system was down at the worst time when you're just swarmed by other people's funk. When you're at the airport, man, you're walking into a fog of people's sneezes and farts and sweat. Especially when it was hot airports, when everybody's taking their jacket off. You're like, oh, gee, this is a fucking crockpot of stinky farts and feet. It's all hermetically sealed. The doors only open every now and again to let people on a plane,

and a little air sneaks in there from that little tunnel. But that's the only place they're getting their air from. It's a gigantic closed-off tube with no windows. It's the worst. Yeah, I mean, that's the airport. The airport sucks. Smelling other people's farts on an airplane has to be one of the worst things ever too. Joey Diaz cut a fart so bad it made me write a blog about it.

There's a blog. It's called Happy Pills. It's somewhere on my website. But Happy Pills I wrote because I was just writing this thing. I was just writing this thing about people's – the commercials for those antidepressants. I don't even know if they're allowed to do those anymore, but they would have commercials where people all of a sudden had these lives that were so wonderful, and they were running through fields of wheat, and they were leaping through the air and there was doing these things that made you feel like so happy and while i'm in the middle of writing this joey diaz caught a fart that could change the tides like the ocean water would hit the wall of fart it would just go no no no the only person that i've ever smelled farts worse is tate

and tate's tate's not even human no that's tate's legendary manufactured sweat and drying blood and nobody can go blow for blow with tate i've caught some horrible farts in my life but i'm just not worthy yeah i'm just not worthy you know but Joey did one on a plane and I'm telling you the fucking the horror the horror of this woman behind me first of all I almost threw up in my mouth

it was so bad it was so bad and Joey fucking fans it on you the worst he fans it on you. The worst. He fans it on you and he has no shame. Like he'll cut a horrible fart

and go suka. And then you just go oh you motherfucker. Before the fart hit I swear to god I felt warm. Before it hit my nose. Before the fart hit, I swear to God, I felt warm. Before it hit my nose, before the smell hit my nose, I felt like warm air. I was like, what is that? And then it hit me that it was a fart.

And it was too late. I was already breathing in trying to figure out what it was. Yeah. And it just filled my mouth with this gas. This is mouth because I was mouth breathing back then. I'm like, oh. It was blue cheese, wasn't it? It was death, whatever it was.

That's why he likes blue cheese. It's like I picture Joey's stomach as being like, you know, the amount of gas that it can generate. Like if you want to have a fart contest with Joey, you're going to lose, man. If he wants to eat what you joey you're gonna lose man if he wants to eat what you eat you're gonna lose you know tate was always eating them fucking protein bars man your body doesn't digest those things yeah they don't and it just automatically comes out that was the worst man tate's was the worst though because every time you hung out with them it wasn't like normal hang out with somebody else it was always about the farts

like you'd get in the car with us and we'd all have to roll down the windows because it was just non-stop farting the whole way to the airport and then we get on the plane it was all farting on the plane we get off and it's him coming into your room and farting in your room he was a big fart guy like like he i wonder if he ever got that like fixed or whatever yeah i don't know i don't know so i got turned on to paris hilton's uh vines last night and have you have you seen no they are probably some of the most like i don't know like one i think she's pretty cute but uh they all have the exact same shit in them it's her like at a club and then it's her face in the exact same angle doing the same face. It's almost trippy, almost like she doesn't exist.

They have somebody CGI her in different scenes with a green screen. Check this. Let me hear it. First, there's one just like her. It's just her doing doing like these weird like kind of myspace angles and then it's her at a club doing like a little the same kind of so she's showing like what she did yeah like look so that you see her face she's doing her at her side of her angle and then you go to this other one that looks like the same club but it's not it's from a two but she's doing like the same shit and then here's another one

like it's just crazy what a weird thing she is man she's such an odd odd famous person yeah she's so famous i mean whether she's hated or not first of all i like her a lot i do not think she should be hated by for any reason she doesn't do anything wrong she's not hurting anybody and that's how i felt when people were like shitting all over her yeah i was like you know yeah she's vapid you know she's doing this going to clubs and going out and dancing smiling but who's that hurt who does that hurt you know the only the only argument that i could hear that i've heard that it kind of makes sense is that she lowers standards for young girls and she gets them thinking. But you know what?

That's just a part of life. People get bad influences sometimes. I think if you have young kids and you communicate with them good values and you try to do the best to raise them into responsible human beings, everything after that is on them. If your kid likes going to clubs, your kid likes going to clubs. And if your kid wants to be Paris Hilton, this is like worse shit in life. She's actually really intelligent.

What, do you play crosswords with her? No, I mean, I'm intelligent of how she became famous, like how she made a name of herself. Of course, she made a sex tape. Well, that's been done twice now, you know. Two girls got famous from that. I mean, that's what Kardashian was. Kardashian was her buddy, you know.

So making a sex tape, little girls, might not be a bad thing if you want to be a rich millionaire for the rest of your life. I think the time for that is over, though. I think it's not shocking anymore. Yeah, that was a long time ago, you know? But what's interesting about Kim Kardashian is that she, like, literally, there was no introduction. No one knew who she was before that sex tape.

But then she does that sex tape, and, like, she's one of the most famous women on the planet. And because you don't release it, because it because like it's snuck out somehow or another it's okay like yeah like we got weird rules when it comes to sex tapes and the rules and the laws are a lot different than a lot of people think like i heard a recent conversation with ari who's going to be on tomorrow where he doesn't believe that people can't just release a sex tape. Like, if you have a tape of Paris Hilton and a guy fucking, he thinks you could just put it on the internet.

No one matters. Which is not the case. A lot of, all these sex tapes actually have to be signed off by one of the people in the, you know, both of the people, actually. Both of them have to sign off? Well, I mean, if you look at like is it varied by state it it might but but if you look at porn they all have to have like the like the the right paperwork saying like this is like you know this person's over 18 years old and stuff

like that and so they can't you know you can't really just release and sell a porn video without that so you kind of have to have the person assigned saying, yes, that's me, yes, I'm 18 and stuff like that. You can't just release a video and sell it with porn. You have to follow the same paperwork. We'd have to ask a real porn producer. Well, Kevin Blatt, who's friends with Sam Tripoli, that's what he does for a living. I think he actually did the Paris Hilton tape.

Oh, really? Yeah, people shop tapes to him and it's 99.9 always the person that's yeah oh my god i accidentally found this and it's me right exactly with three camera angles yeah i was reading uh twitter the other day uh last night actually and um i have i follow so people. I follow a lot of weird people. Don't ask me to follow you. If you ask me to follow you, I won't follow you. That's my rules. Although I've said yes a couple times. Don't ask. It's gross. I was reading through my Twitter and it says

anal loving ladies. Need last minute replacement for a scene tomorrow. Get at me here. RTt please this is from seymour butts and i'm like looking down like one of them my tweets is like a depak chopra tweet and the other one's like a couple of mma fighters and then sandwiched in between that and it's all in caps with like little stars next to anal. Star, star, star. Anal loving lady.

Star, star, star, star, star. All caps. Need last minute replacement for a scene tomorrow. That's great. How many times has that happened? Where a girl just calls you up the day before and goes, you know what? You can't fuck me in the ass. On camera.

And put it on the internet. And this guy's like, god damn it. I had one. I need an anal loving lady. But do you think, I guess he, i bet he puts out that thing and like immediately there's people like contacting him oh yeah absolutely omg i love anal omg it's pretty cheap too if you need to make it if you really want to get laid you could really just make yourself a porn company well guys have done that yeah yeah guys have done that guys have done i met a guy who

did that he had like a website where he would i forget what his website was called but he would like have sex with girls it would pay them have sex with me it was like membership only but this was like a long ass time ago like i don't know if you could get away with that today people don't want to buy anything no no i'm just like you don't even sell it you just like release it no that's what i'm saying you could do it sell it. You just like – Release it? No. That's what I'm saying. You could do it. So it would basically just be getting you laid. That's what I'm saying.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Because I know the rates for different girls for working. If they said that they would do it, it's pretty cheap. You just don't release the video. Isn't it funny that it's like a workaround for prostitution? Yeah. I mean essentially it's a workaround. Right. Isn't it funny that it's like a workaround for prostitution? Yeah. I mean, essentially, it's a workaround.

Right. Not that I'm against it. I'm not against anything if you want to do it. If it doesn't hurt anybody else and you want to do it, I'm not against anything. I don't really care. I think that this world is so weird and there's so many things that people like that I don't understand. So many things that I like that people don't understand. Who am I to tell a chick not to be a hooker?

Right. You know? And who am I to tell a chick not to be a hooker? Who am I to tell a guy not to pay for sex? How many guys have just been fucked over their whole life and it's just like almost too late for them to have a relationship? Tell me that guy shouldn't be able to get a massage and get jerked off for 50 bucks or 100 bucks

or whatever. $40. Top of the house. That's what you hear. That's what you hear. That's what you hear. It's allegedly, allegedly. You want to be very clear about that. I heard. But, like, if you think about it, you know, why shouldn't there be an option for that guy

where he can just pay for someone to rub him? Because, look, I go get massages, and massages are, especially if you get it from someone who's really good at it, it's very pleasurable. And sometimes it's like a guy is doing it. It's horrific. I've never had a guy I would not do. Feeling that great pleasure from a man.

There's this weird bonding thing going on. Do you massage naked? Almost always. With a guy? No, I keep my underwear on, son. Oh, no, I always do naked. Just in case I have to Valley Tudor my way out of there. I got some little Valley Tudor shorts.

I'm like Mario Asperi in the 90s. I was driving by a palm reader last night, and I've been noticing more and more I've been just looking at palm readers, because there's a lot of psychics here in LA, and I remember it in Ohio here and there. But one thing I noticed,

they're always open like 24 hours a day. It would be like two in the morning and they have lights on. It looks like they live there also. There's an open sign. And I'm wondering if psychics are something that you learn when you're older, like when you're like 70 or 80

and you're like, oh no, you go to a psychic to fuck. You know, like like i think there's something going on because who's there's a lot of people you'd be really really surprised there's a lot of people who believe in psychics really but yeah for them why is that see that's the thing there's things i don't understand like i don't understand that i don't understand why donut drive-thru places are so popular at foreign like they're all donut places are open on times at night you know that doesn't're all donut places that are open at times at night.

Krispy Kreme, are they open 24 hours a day? I don't know. That's the only one that matters. Krispy Kreme had a line like 40 people deep last night in Burbank. Of course they did. They're doing it right. How is that possible? It's just donuts. It's fucking delicious. Especially because some of those

freaks who are real crazy Krispy Kreme people, they know when the warm ones come out. They have like apps. I bet they have an app. If they don't have an app, they should have an app. It alerts you. Warm donuts within five minutes.

Because if you get them, I don't want to tell you. Look, if you're on a diet right now, all I've eaten all day today, folks, is a kale shake. Okay? Be clear about this. For the most part, I eat healthy and you should too. But if you want a real next level experience when it comes to eating sweet shit that's bad for you those crispy cream donuts that come right out of the oven you can be there when it happens that's what it must have been god damn

dude i'm telling you they melt in your mouth you sink your teeth into them they have the perfect consistency it's not too firm it's not like a brownie you know but it's not it's a strange thing man and you take bites of this thing and the sugar level is out of this fucking world okay it's covered in sugar the whole thing is glazed the outside glaze is all sugar it's sugar and the old caramel it's it hits you who just turned the uh the? Yeah, what was that? What happened? That was weird. Yeah, what was that, man? My shit's off.

That was weird. Anyway, it couldn't taste any better. It literally couldn't taste any better. Jimmy, it was when you started touching that iPad, but that's not possible. That's not hooked up to anything, right? It must have been this. I don't know. Well, whatever it was.

And that's probably what it was because it was out of this world. I was like, there was a line out into the street, like into this busy street. I don't want to encourage you to have a new addiction. Oh, my God. But if you can go there, we should go there. You should go there, sit inside with a laptop and just do a little work. And then say, just let me know when the warm ones come out. And those warm ones come out, you run after them.

It's funny because... You fight for them. I wanted to make a vine about it because there was like six cop cars. I was like, the 30 cars, there was six. I was like, this is so hilarious. Well, you know what? If I was a cop, I'm out there freaking out all day, worried I'm going to get shot.

How am I going to come home to my kids? I would enjoy a little sweet tooth too. I would enjoy a little donut. The reason why cops like donuts is because they have to reward themselves for swimming around in a world of shit. I got a new addiction, man. You got to check this out. There's a lot of different kinds of apps that you can get on your phone.

But one of the best ones, especially since this Boston shit, was looking at police scanners. And I don't know if you dig into that or not, but last night I was driving home and there were so many cops in Burbank. There's usually two cops in Burbank. There were cops driving all over the place. I was like, and there were so many cops in Burbank like there was there's usually like two cops in Burbank There was like cops like driving all over the place I was like something's going on right and so I turn on the police scanner in my car while I'm driving and it's so funny They they were talking about me and I was like, uh, we had a black Volkswagen Beetle license plate And then I'm like what the fuck are they saying? And I guess they were looking for a car and the cop just like kind of pulled up and started driving next to me while I was listening to the police skinner over my speakers on my phone.

Oh, no. I'm like – Oh, no. But they didn't end up doing anything like that. I don't even know what they were talking about. So I get home, and it was so interesting listening to that for two hours because they were talking about streets in my neighborhood. Like this woman is like, we have a break-in. She's hiding in the bathroom. There's somebody inside the house and they're

like this is their seventh time doing it this week she's an elderly woman there's probably not going to be anyone there you know it's like they were just like talking about it but it's so interesting to listen to that and especially it's interesting to listen to it while you're driving you know late at night because they will talk about you on the police it's so crazy and Freddie Lockhart actually uses it he says this is pretty funny when he isn't like in a bad neighborhood or something like that he'll turn on the police skater like turn out really loud like speakerphone style put it in his pocket so it kind of sounds like he has like a police presence on him you know

like so people were like like who the fuck's this guy so yeah please scanner it's a free puts it in his pocket so people think he's got a radio yeah exactly oh my god so i was like that's a good idea for girls or ladies like if they uh if they uh if they're in a bad neighborhood throw that in your purse the rest of the dude get really turned on by cops yeah or hates cops really badly yikes i i uh is. Yikes. Is it legal? Huh? The scanner thing? It has to be.

It's on the iPad. How did it used to? Oh, yeah, right? Yeah. Right? It's a real legit app. Yeah, there's tons of apps. They have to approve those, right?

I think that's good that Apple approves apps. I think it's bad because there's a lot of shit, I'm sure, that gets censored. You know, like some fucking crazy asshole wants to have, like, beheadings only as an app. All right. You know, all the beheadings over the the past year because there's always a bunch of them on the internet But you know Apple's like no you sick fuck you gotta get done your own There's a website right now that's devoted to Google apps. I think it's created by I want to say Bing did it we never talked about Google glasses Glasses. Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's true. Yeah. My friend let me try out her Google Glasses. And it was, first of all, it was really weird because to be able to try something out that no one has yet. Right. I think developers have them now. Right.

And I'm going to get one. But this was a long time ago the first time I saw them the first time I saw him was over six months ago but the first time I tried him out excuse me sorry about that folks the first time I actually tried it out was this past week and it was really they're really weird all right so they're like clear glasses that cover up your eyes. No, no, no. What is it? No, it's just a frame. It's a frame, and in the right corner, I don't know if it's reversible.

You can see there's a picture of it on my Instagram. Instagram, I saw Louis Black this weekend, and one of the things he was talking about was Instagram, I saw Louis Black this weekend. One of the things he was talking about was Instagram, like how crazy it is that they got a billion dollars for Instagram. It's pretty funny for what Instagram does. But I don't even know why I use it. I just started using it because people say, hey, do you have an Instagram? I'm like, I guess.

Okay, I'll get one. And then Everlast made us start using it. Yeah, I started not using it as much lately anymore because of the other one. How many characters do you get on Instagram? As much as you want, I think. So it's like a tweet. Right. And then people click on it and they go to it.

And it's almost like a TwitLonger with a picture. Yeah. TwitLonger is annoying longer is annoying remember that shit does people do people who still use that people still use that you're really missing the point for real there's a reason yeah there's a reason why they're trying to limit you to 140 characters because most people are boring verbose motherfuckers who just never know when to stop. And these crazy tweet longer, twit longer fuckers. All right, so it's – Okay, see that, my right eye?

See that thing, that little piece of glass? No, no, no. There's no glass there. Okay. That's just my face. The whole thing is this right here. Exactly. Exactly.

So it's not a pair of glasses. It sits on your nose like glasses, but there's nothing over one eye. I don't know if it's reversible. It seems like they could make a design that doesn't have like this because this just looks like from the jerk, you know, like the glasses from the movie. That kind of almost looks weird. Well, that little thing that you see that you've got your cursor over, yeah, that is the little window that you see everything. And so you swipe it. The way it works is by swiping forward and swiping down and you talk to it and it does everything on voice so you swipe

your hand in front of you like yeah like I did Google searches and it worked like it was it was amazing like I like I said I think you say like okay glass or something like that right and then I mmm goddamn I gotta stop doing that I'm so sorry folks that'll be the last one. I promise. It's bulletproof coffee. It coats your throat. I never drink bulletproof coffee before I go on stage, but I drink it before I do podcasts.

Is that what it is? Yeah, it coats your throat. Because you've been doing it a lot lately. It coats your throat. Yeah, but isn't that good? Doesn't that make you not cough because it's all oiled up and really – No, it's like there's a lot of – like there's grass-fed butter in there, and it gives you this like residue sort of thing. And when you start talking, it makes me want to, ahem.

Right. So, probably a bad idea. How's your cholesterol and stuff? It's all groovy. Okay. Because that butter is not going to fuck anything up? No, no, no, no. You eat that much butter?

No. You know cholesterol comes from animal protein? Oh, okay. What's butter, then? Like, butter does something. Butter comes from animals. Butter has cholesterol. But almond butter is not butter.

Right. It's like almond paste. I don't think it has any butter in it. But almonds are a lot of fat in it. I should actually find out. What's in almond butter? Oh, but the fat that it's in is good. That's all good fat.

Yeah. Almond butter ingredients. You're like, good fat. There was a video that I watched the other day It was kind of interesting with this one guy who eats nothing but raw food And fats And he was like an older guy and he eats raw meat And he was having raw buffalo

And raw hamburger And he was just eating it And eating it with chunks of raw butter in between Yeah Now these Google Glasses Do they record everything the whole time because there is a camera looks like a camera yes you can constantly record you can take pictures i did that too i took pictures with it um it's weird dude it's weird it would be cool if this constantly always recorded and everybody wore them because then that would be interesting like during

times of tragedy. Everyone would have, like 500 people would have their view of what happened. It's a very interesting thing to have them on and see a navigation screen in front of you. I did that as well. Does it take over your whole vision?

No, you have to search for it. I can look at you right now and it's fine, but if I go like this, there it is. And then I look at you and I can see right through it, but if I go like this, there it is and then I look at you and I can see right through it but then I look at it, there it is it's a very small area I mean it's not like you lose it you definitely can find it anytime you want but it's a very small area which this image exists

so you can kind of look around away from that area that's why the idea is that you can have them on and walk because you can see everything in front of you. I wonder if there's any long-term effects from that. Because, you know, like if you think about looking at a computer screen, you're straining your eyes because it's kind of close.

Or a lot of people tell you to look far away every hour or so just so your eyes focus on something. I wonder if this becomes really popular where there's going to be people just constantly staring at that and you're going to have a lot of different eye problems that's a good question and then there's also the radiation question because cell phones emit radiation and most folks are not aware that um the you know when you you like if you go and research what the cell phones uh what the

radiation how much radiation it gives out and what's an acceptable level. Most folks aren't aware that they have a whole list of measured radiation effects coming off of cell phones. But one of the big ones is, one of the big weird parts of that is that you're supposed to keep the phone away from your head. In order for it to meet with the standards for radiation or whatever the fuck it is that comes off of them. You're supposed to have it like right here. So you're saying you're supposed to put it on speakerphone and black people are smarter than us. Exactly. They're way smarter than us. It's that whole thing.

By the way, when we talked about that on the podcast, I got fucking angry tweets from black people. Because it's not just black people. There is white people too. But it's only white people who angry tweets from black people you can't because it's not just black people there is white people too but it's only white people who want to be black people you know those are the people that also talk in public on speakerphone yo where you at dog where you at cuz we're down here holding it down at the mall i think it's fucked up because i don't wonder how many times i've talked to somebody not knowing they were doing that and i was like wait a second yeah and you're talking shit yeah hey let's go get some gay sex Ryan I want to introduce you to my mom and dad it looks like it's just smushed up uh almonds I think

that's what almond butter is well yeah like almond milk is just almonds and water isn't it I don't know maybe they add some shit to it too they must add some shit to? I don't know. Maybe they add some shit to it, too. They must add some shit to it. I don't know. I don't have time to look at this. But there's fats that are good for you and fats that are not good for you. You know, like the kind of fats you get in, like, an avocado. Those are good for you.

Yeah. I mean, they still make you fat, though. I mean, they still give you fat. The other fats are good for you, too, if you need them especially. The fats are good for you too, dude. I mean, they still give you fat. The other fats are good for you too if you need them especially. Like the fat that comes from animals, like whatever is in especially like grass-fed animal fat, it's supposed to be really healthy for your skin. Like there's something about certain fats, you know, and fats that come from animals apparently have a positive effect on the elasticity of your skin. I don't know if that makes any sense.

But it makes sense to me that it's so delicious. If it's so delicious, your body must have some need for it. And I know that cholesterol plays a part of brain function too. Like chocolate. I don't know if that's totally been misunderstood. Let me find out. Cholesterol. That's something that people are always worried about right um and blood pressure how's my blood pressure dog don't lie to me doc how am i doing

over here yeah i uh i uh just got a physical recently and everything checked out which is weird because i eat so random like some day sometimes i do have pizza some days i have kale some days i have you know what's that quinoa that never digests and when i wipe my butt it falls out in a bunch of pieces like it's trying to run away well maybe that's your body just rejecting do you digest kale like mine comes out like corn style. Kale or quinoa? I'm sorry, quinoa. Mine comes out like corn style.

Did anyone ever even touch this shit? Maybe you're getting different kinds of quinoa than I am. I'd have to look at your quinoa. I've had quinoa salads before. I like that. Those quinoa cakes. Yeah. Oh, I love quinoa.

It's good stuff. It's one of the most, as far as plant proteins, one of the more complete proteins. I think it's one of the few that's actually completely complete. I think it's right up there with hemp protein, which is a very complete protein for a plant protein. Some proteins, they don't have all the amino acids. They don't have everything. There's different kinds of proteins. That's why people that are strong vegan advocates, especially health and fitness nuts,

they recommend you mix up the different foods and combine different types of proteins. Like maybe broccoli. Broccoli is like an incomplete protein, but broccoli has protein in it. And then throw in the powerful shit like quinoa, quinoa and hemp. Both of them are like, I think hemp has all the essential amino acids. Pretty sure. Yeah, I had hemp milk the other day. If you have that stuff, folks, just to let you know, you don't fail tests. You don't fail drug tests.

Right. A lot of people worry about that because hemp protein is so much easier on my body at least. I love muscle milk. That shit is delicious. Yeah, it is. That shit is delicious. But that shit makes my asshole a weapon. Like I said, I can't claim Tate status or even Joey Diaz status.

But when I drink too much too much of that whey protein that backs me out here's my new favorite thing uh you can actually get it on amazon a pack of 12 is 20 it's gogo rice organic quinoa and it's these little little like you microwave it you don't they're already cooked just open up and eat it but what i do is yeah i put spray some uh i can't believe it's not butter on it and then maybe throw in some turkey bacon and i just put in the microwave there and it's it's like the perfect meal and it's not bad for you it's good for you it's it's so easy it's like you can you could just eat it like you don't even have to cook it it's already cooked right it's it's great though so that shit's very good for you too yeah and by the way if you know how

to spell it you're an asshole yeah right you know how to spell it, you're an asshole. Yeah, right. You know how to spell that? No way. Unless you're a cook or someone who deals with it professionally. Q-U-I. How the hell do you know? And if you know how to say it, you're an asshole.

Quinoa. Including me. I'm an asshole because I know how to say it. Quinoa is like a pretentious food. It's very pretentious. I think it's good. I'm a rice fan, so to me it just tastes like rice i like it i love it however there's a pretentious thing to it i don't know what it is

but when you say i'm gonna have some quinoa i'd like to have some quinoa it's like i picture you with like wooden beads on you know yeah kale's like that to me because that just seems like it's completely out of control right now there's's kale everywhere nowadays. It's a real superfood, though. Yeah. It's fucking delicious, man. Except I've been hearing it's dangerous to eat raw, which is weird. What people, I think, are worried about is there's a small percentage of folks that get affected by a certain fungus that can grow on quinoa or on kale. Right.

Yeah. I guess that fungus is pretty common okay eat hold let's let's pull that up eat raw kale yeah kale danger yeah there's a because i just had some there's some really good kale going on at robex i think i don't know if we've talked about that there's a they have a lot of good kale smoothies or juices now lately. Tropic Kale is the best. I don't like kale shakes. You don't? No.

But I like how they make me feel. Yeah. They're boring though. I wanted to have bacon and eggs this morning. This is like the Rob Wolf style way of doing it, like paleo. But I knew how to work out in an hour. And the difference between bacon and eggs and a kale shake is fucking tremendous as far as, like, your ability to work out, like, afterwards. Like, a kale shake I could basically work out right away unless I haven't done my morning dookie yet. Because if you get a kale shake in you, son, you are shitting within the next 20 minutes whether you like it or not.

And it's coming out like it's being chased by zombies. It's like, it's like world war Z in the toilet bowl. And that's no bullshit, man. Those kale shakes, it's just sludge. You know,

kale shake is just green vegetable, like a cleaner. It's just like grinding out all the stuff that's in its way. Just a giant blob of a universally sized. So it's all like grinding out all the stuff that's in its way just a giant blob of a universally sized so it's all like your your tube instead of like chunks of meat and shit stumbling down there it's there's no like chunks of anything it's one giant stuffed tube of green liquid and celery and cucumber and garlic and the garlic is just gangster, just killing everybody. Anybody that's anywhere, it's like the Mongol hordes.

Because garlic is, like, fantastic. If you ever have anything wrong with your stomach, take garlic. I fucking love garlic. It's incredible for, like, food poisoning. If you feel like shit, you got a stomach flu, eat cloves of garlic. It's hard to do because you chew on those things and you're like, whoa, like a big ass raw clove of garlic. You just toss it in your mouth and start chewing it. It's pretty intense.

I cook it a little. No, you don't want to cook it, man. You want it raw. That's where all the nutrition comes in. That's where the sting comes from. As soon as you start cooking it, you lose all that sting. That's where the sting comes from. As soon as you start cooking it, you lose all that sting. And I think that sting of eating the raw garlic is just what's just gangster.

It just goes into your body and starts, ah! It's like a fucking sword-wielding barbarian. It just hacks up all the shit in your body. I think that's one of my favorite remedies ever for anything that's ailing my stomach. Garlic just fucking cleans everything out. And you just, the shits that come out when you eat cloves of garlic, it's literally like a bunch

of bodies being dropped off like a bulldozer pulls up. That's hilarious. It's just all dead bacteria that the garlic assassinated inside your bacterial tract. Digestive tract, rather. That's a weird thing that we have to have those little things inside of us.

You have to have them. If you don't have them, you're sick. Yeah. You have to have a community in your body. It's pretty weird. I mean, did you even know that until you were like, I was like 30, I think, when I found that out. Oh, yeah. Later than that for me.

But just stop and think about that. Living your whole life. And then one day you go, what's in me? Flora. What? Asidophilus. It's a live culture. Doesn't that seem more important to you to teach your kids things like that instead of like, oh, this guy rode a horse and told the whole town people are coming.

And we should do a whole report about this guy. Well, I don't know if we really knew about it. When did they really know about bacteria in the human body? There's so many things that they don't teach you growing up that are so fucking important, like credit cards, finance charges, things like that. When I got my first credit card, I was still in high school. I was like, what?

$500 credit limit? I can buy whatever I want? $500 LaserDisc player. And then next thing I know, I'm like, oh, I don't have any money. I'm just going to wait a couple months. And next thing I know, I ruined my whole entire credit by the age of 19. And you know why? Because they didn't teach that in high school.

And then credit card companies just gave me a credit card right fresh. But guess what if they taught you you wouldn't listen uh true but unless that at the end of the class that we all signed up to get credit cards well i think though that that you know also represents the fact that that whole thing was fairly new back then credit cards and credit and credit issues and people having credit problems is fairly new yeah but in the 90s I mean yeah but look I know a guy I know a guy I know a guy a guy his name was international Sal and I know I've talked about him before he was a god that I used to know from my pool hall

days and he was one of the first guys to go to jail for credit card fraud he uh was the first guy or one of the first guys to figure out that you could take the imprints like when someone would make a credit card you could take them and then take that number and then go print your own separate card and then when you print your own separate card you just go off like a rocket and just you know you got your own separate card, you just go off like a rocket. You got your own separate shit printed, and you just start fucking charging up a storm. And then by the time this guy gets the bill, it's too late. Well, these guys would do that. They would take these cards, and then they would buy things, like gigantic things. And then they would bring those things back and get money.

They would go, yeah, you know what? I bought it. I didn't like it. So they bring them back, and then boom, bring those things back and get money they'll go yeah you know what i bought it i didn't like it so they bring them back and then boom they got all this money so they're using these credit cards and getting paid back cash or they're selling the items that they buy like they'll buy a car and then sell it for 20 grand you know and sell it once they sell it too i mean i don't know i don't know how the fuck you can't track it. But this was this is a long ass time ago. I met the guy in 92. And he had just gotten out of jail, or maybe got out of jail in 93. Somewhere around that. And this guy made millions. He was a loser at gambling. I mean, I say that in the most respectful way possible, because he was a very nice guy. What I mean is that he would find a way to lose.

It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life. He used to bet big, big money, and he would be down on the ball, and it would be the very last nine ball. You see his arm shaking, and he looks at it, and just drives it right into the rail. You would swear that no one could ever miss that shot, but he would find a way to miss it. He played good pool And he played good

pool. He played good, but he was just, he was just addicted to losing. It's like, for whatever reason, he had a psychological block that he couldn't overcome when he came to winning money. I don't think I ever saw him win. Maybe one time I think I saw him win some money, but that was like probably somebody laid down on him, trying to get him to raise the bet for the next time. And he would gamble away millions of dollars. So he would be at the pool hall. Okay. These guys would come in literally with bags of money. Like he had the whole thing set up, making the credit cards, putting his guys in the street and they come back with cash and they divvy it up. He said, guys were coming back with just bags and bags and bags of money. And so when, you know, people

were calling them international sal because apparently they were buying shit in Paris and buying shit in England and they'd take fucking plane flights with these credit cards and no one could track anything back then. You couldn't find out who they were. Back then, you got on a plane. You didn't even have to show an ID.

You just got on a plane. Like when I used to travel for Taekwondo tournaments when I was a kid, I didn't have any ID. You didn't need ID. Nobody had ID. You just get on a plane. Like when I used to travel for Taekwondo tournaments when I was a kid, I didn't have any ID. You didn't need ID. Nobody had ID. You just get on a plane and go. I flew across the country. Just all I did is show up.

I don't even think I had a fucking driver's license. I think not only that, if we got to the gate, I was like, you know what, dude? I don't want to go. Here, take my ticket. You can go. You would be able to go. You would be able to get right on that fucking plane. That would be awesome.

That would be awesome. People used to sell tickets. You should be able to sell a ticket that fucking plane. That'd be awesome. That'd be awesome. People used to sell tickets. You'd be able to sell a ticket. Like, does anybody want my ticket? You'd be able to put it in the paper. Did you ever fly when there was smoking on the plane? Yes. Because I don't remember ever doing it.

Absolutely. I remember that clearly. I remember it being sad and twisted. You're looking back at this cloud of smoke and these people are absorbing it with no recourse. And the idea that it's going to be contained in the back area of this fucking tube of recircled air

it's recirculated. The same air is used over and over and over again. You're going to get that smoke in your body no matter if you're in the front or the back. That smoke's getting you. At least a little bit of it. somebody just contacted me from my past the other day uh a dude you used to fuck no no no when when i was in high school i worked at this movie theater as a projectionist and this other guy that uh was in college and he was like one of these guys

is smoke he's the one that introduced me to marijuana when I was like 15. Be careful what you say because that's illegal. I'm not going to say who it is. Okay. They might hold you over the fire until you tell the truth. Right. And he used to like invite us to his college parties. And every weekend we would party with college people. And we're like 15, 16 years old.

We just got our driver's license. I think I've told in the past how I took all these shots of Everclear once and I got pulled over and the cop gave me money for coffee and just told me to sit in my car. Same person.

That was when you were in high school that happened? Yeah, yeah. Oh my God, what a crazy cop. Yeah, I know. That cop was nuts, man. Maybe he's just been there, done that. Yeah.

Also, I don't know but uh so one thing i remembered though there i think they were all italian all the guys like and uh the more you know about ohio there's a lot of like mafia and stuff like in ohio but i i think i hung out i think they all were kind of in that group you know looking back at it now you were just super high and right you're like a parent when everyone's in the mafia no no but just looking back at it now. You were just super high. Right. You're like a parent when everyone's in the mafia. No, no, no. But just looking back at it, it just seemed like it was. But like he would have these like pretty big parties every weekend.

And his friend would come into town from Youngstown or something like that every weekend. And his sister was like, I thought she was OK, but she was not the prettiest girl. And she was like a little older than me. She was like three years she was okay but she was not the prettiest girl and she was like a little older than me she's like three years older than me and she he would bring his sister down just so she can fuck me because she doesn't get attention or get any guys from where she lives so I she would come in the room they would come in there and be like and I'll be like oh hey how's it going and then later that day at night would go up to his the guy that lived there's room and would fuck. And it was really weird because we never else talked throughout the whole day.

And I just would fuck his sister for him. And you didn't talk to her? Not really. Just like when we fucked. But I didn't ever have her phone number. I never like. And the more I'm looking back, I think I'm blocking a lot of shit. Because I was thinking about this

because I was like, why did I never get that girl's number? Why did I never talk to her? I would only remember, I fucked her like maybe 10 times. And she would only be in town once in a while. And every time it was always like, all right, let's go upstairs.

Sometimes that's just how it is. That's the relationship. Sometimes that's how it is. Like you don't have a lot in common. You don't want to talk, but you like to fuck each other. But I remember him going the first time like, hey, my sister, you know,

you want to go up there? You want to fuck her? You can do it. Trust me, dude. She wants it. She's very lonely. She's a nice girl. And I remember doing it

and then it became a thing where every weekend he would bring her. So weird. So she likes some dick, and you were giving her some dick. Why do you want to overanalyze things? Because it's so weird looking back at shit, you know, that you completely blocked out your whole entire life. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's totally weird.

And then, like, looking back, like, why was I doing this? Well, not only that, like, your memories are so weird anyway. Yeah. Why was I doing this? Well, not only that, like your memories are so weird anyway. Yeah. Memories are just – whenever one says like I remember, like the clearest things that I remember ever in my life. I could tell people, but I can't say for certainty how much of what I'm saying is what I remember and how much I'm saying is what I remember saying about what I remember. You know?

Like traumatic moments for one thing. Like a lot of people that have been through some fucked up shit, whether it's a violence situation or a car accident or anything where you really remember it, when you go back and try to like, especially if it's more than like 10 years old, if you go back and try to recreate it when you're explaining it to people, if someone could see your memories,

they would go, oh, that's all you're working with here? Like, Jesus Christ, you barely remember this fucking thing at all. Like, if I could see your actual memories, I'd be like, oh, yeah, that car looks red, and yeah, you have some words that you've memorized about what happened, but your actual, yeah, you know the facts.

You know the facts as far as like where you were and what took place. But as far as like you remembering what actually happened and seeing it, unless it's a while ago, it's hard to beat off the girls that you fucked a decade ago. Think about that. Yeah. I can't do more. Do you think you could? No. No. I don't think – you think you could? No I don't think you could You could beat off the girls you fucked

When you were 16 But you're going to be making it all up I have a videotape of me as 15 Am I allowed to watch myself? No it's illegal I think it's child pornography I'm pretty sure I don't have this video Not only can you not watch it It's illegal. I think it's child pornography. Really? I'm pretty sure. I can't watch myself. I mean, I don't have this video.

Well, not only can you not watch it, it's illegal for you to have it. In fact, there's a bit of my act that I'm doing about a girl who got arrested for child pornography because she was sending boys in her class pictures of her pussy. They arrested her with child pornography. They had to acquit her of that, but they charged her with the use of a criminal tool, and that criminal tool was a cell phone. Well, mine is just solo masturbating, so they can go after me and watch me. I think it's illegal. That would be weird if you did arrest her. Dude, that girl got arrested. It really has happened.

That's so weird. It's just one of those literal translations of the law where it doesn't make sense. You know? The girl, she was sending, the idea, I guess, is that she shouldn't be doing that and they have to stop her because pedos could get a hold of it and just start beating off. That's true. That's what the idea is. Is that this boy probably has a big mouth, can't believe this girl is sending her picture around everybody in the class. And so next thing you know, he puts it on iliketofuckkids.com, and then boom.

Hey, whoever you are, don't put iliketofuckkids.com and then forward that shit to my website. You sons of bitches. Don't you fucking dare. That's actually a good idea. I just want to stop it in its tracks because I know someone already thought of it. They're like, I thought of it first. Fighting domains and pointing it towards people. I'm like, look what he believes in.

So fucked up. It's a forward. Yeah, well, you know, that's one of the things that this guy, I don't want to say his name because I don't know what the fuck actually happened. I don't know what he's actually guilty of, so I'll to say his name because I don't know what the fuck actually happened I don't know what he's actually guilty of so I'll not say his name but he was involved in a sex scandal and he bought the domain name his name

and then the word rape behind it like right afterwards so nobody else could get it which is kind of crazy and then everybody was like wow why did you do that? You're marketing your truth. When a guy gets in trouble for something

and then you realize that everything he's saying as far as talking about it and discussing it is a marketing strategy, if he's a professional marketer, you immediately go, wait a minute man marketers that's a the whole thing is weird because like i like to know about cool shit you know and if i see a commercial for like a new phone they're explaining to me all the different stuff it does like oh i love it that's great i love it um but when I see like scams, like the same guy had this thing promoting a player lifestyle.

And it was you were going to get advice. It was like five grand for like three days in Vegas. And you were going to get advice from this dude who is this super wizard when it comes to economics. He just knows how to do it. And the guy lives in the middle of the desert. He's a recluse. He never comes out. He's a genius. But I have to deal with this bullshit because he's so smart.

And he is the reason why I'm so successful. And he can make you successful too. And then he has this email from the guy. And the email from the guy is like, only send me real players. Not chicken shits and panty waists and only people ready to push in all their chips right now. And this guy, this stupid thing that he sent turns out to be a draft. So he never really received this email from the guy the photo that he put on his website is of a draft so people look at you like you wrote that

yourself like you wrote that yourself you made a letter to yourself pretending you're this other guy who's this economic wizard and you think i'm so fucking dumb that I look at that and I don't know it's a draft where it says save as. And everyone's like, that's a draft. That's what it looks like. It's not an email. So he says he had to address this because the internet goes crazy. He says, well, which is the truth is actually stranger than fiction. You're not going to believe this, but this guy is so crazy that he didn't want to send me an email with that information because he thought it could be intercepted.

So he sent me an email of a picture that he took of that email. Like how fucking dumb is that excuse? That you think that if someone can intercept an email, they can't intercept an email with a picture in it? Right. And a picture of an email? That's impossible to read. Thank God you fucking compressed it into JPEG form. It's not like anybody has a JPEG reader.

What the fuck are you even talking about, man? And this guy had this whole scam planned before his situation blew up. This sexual, we'll call it a sexual situation. But watching that, or reading rather, that website that was dedicated to players. Let me see if I can find it, man. I think it's like the pureplayerlifestyle.com. Hold on.

Catherine Zeta-Jones just checked herself in for bipolar disorder. Listen, if you sucked Michael Douglas' dick for 10 years, you would be bipolar too. I was just going to say, or Michael Douglas is a pimp. He's just like, no, you crazy woman. What kind of sperm he's shooting into her? What kind of pills he's on? Poor girl. Yeah.

Player lifestyle seminar. Yeah. That sucks. Yeah, that sucks. It sucks whenever anybody goes crazy. And that's a... She's hot, too. Go to therealplayerlifestyle.com.

She's still hot, dude. She was in a movie recently that I watched where she played a lesbian. A lesbian... what was it? Like a therapist for some crazy bitch. It was called – I think it was called Side Effects. Don't – scroll up, scroll up, scroll up. I don't want to show a picture of the dude's face. It's too late.

Well, you already said the website. I didn't say his name. Oh, no. I don't know what happened. See, this is. Oh, no. I don't know what happened. See, this is my take on it. I don't know what happened. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck happened.

But this shit, this website shit, is not good. It's not indicative of a person of fine character. This is indicative of a person who's trying to rip people off. And you're looking at it, and you see where it says? It shows the email. Yeah. And look at the bottom. It's like an explanation for the email read it explains like why you know people say you know could you read i can't read that because it when it's blown up on the screen it's it's i can't read it at all uh you want me to read the last thing no no no no

no there's like a disclaimer like why it's a jpeg of a picture don't worry about it i'll find it i'll read it it's hilarious it's so stupid i mean it's just so silly interesting yeah it's it's like the whole idea is that but knowing that he calls the guy mr x and the guy's photo on the website is like a hat in front of his eyes it's so dumb it's like it's really designed for like the dumbest of dumb people it's really designed for desperate dumbest of dumb people.

It's really designed for desperate people that are mentally challenged. Two fundamental money-making secrets I've held back for years. And fundamental money-making is all in capital letters. Years is in capital letters that are the most responsible for virtually all the financial success I've had in my life. The idea that people say, like, there's a place that you meet me at this place. Okay. I'm going to tell you the secret. I'm going to tell you how to get rich.

You know, this could be done, like, the right way. Well, you could, like, have a seminar, and I'm sure they do, where you go and you talk to, like, business experts who give you strategies that you can employ in your business. where you go and you talk to business experts who give you strategies that you can employ in your business. Chances that – or places where they tell you what chances to take and what has paid off for them, what's a good strategy as far as marketing. That's – without a doubt, you can learn at a seminar for something like that. There's a lot of experts out there that are really good at that shit. But the type of person that would write this, this is not indicative of the type of person who has a lot of great advice to give out. This is the type of website that's indicative of a person who's trying to rip you off.

This is a person who's just trying to lie to you and get tons of cash from you. It's crazy. Well, there's a lot of scam of scam a lot of pyramid scams that have to do with all kinds of listen to this when they busted him on the when they busted him on the draft he goes some people

asked me why is this a draft of an email I asked Mr. Crazy Pants the same question well now you go now you get to see even more so why he's such a pain in the ass, ass in capital letters, and the truth, and that the truth is really stranger than fiction. Dot, dot, dot. He typed out the email on his laptop, crossed out his name and email, Addy,

and then turned it into a JPEG and sent it to me in a blank email. Blank is in capital letters. Blank email. As if there's such a thing as a blank email. He told me it has a JPEG in it. That in a blank email. Blank is in capital letters. Blank email. As if there's such a thing as a blank email. He told me it has a JPEG in it. That's just not blank. I was like, what the fuck, bro? And then he told me he didn't want to send it as an email

because someone might intercept it. Really? In capital letters? Trust me, he's worth the hassle, but he's full-on Looney Tunes. Wow. He tried to trick him with a JPEG email. Dude, do you know how ridiculous that is? That's so ridiculous.

Just getting caught like that and then claiming that that's what happened is one of the nuttiest fucking things I've ever heard in my life. And the fact that he put it out as a draft. And the fact that he put it out as a draft, it's almost like with people like that that strategize how to rip people off and strategize how to do shit like that, it's almost like they want to get busted. It's almost like they feel bad doing that. When it comes to something like that, like pretending that a guy that does – probably I don't even know if the guy exists, but the guy definitely didn't write him that email pretending that someone's writing you an email. And if you read the, the, the email is hilarious, man, no bullshit attendees, all capital letters. So the guy, the email is in the exact same style of writing. It's like, it's a really specific style of writing that I guess he doesn't realize. He doesn't realize how specific the way he communicates. Like if I got an email from you, you have a style of talking and writing.

Whereas if I get an email from my lawyer, it's a different kind of style. This is his all caps thing for like emphasizing all caps. No bullshit attendees seriously if these guys aren't real players who aren't willing to push in all their chips to the center of the table don't waste my time like and this is mr crazy pants this is mr x like he can't even tell you like who this guy is what his qualifications are he's not telling you anything the guy's a recluse. He's a genius. And he's responsible for all my success. And if there's any one man that I'm jealous of in this life, it's him.

Whoa. It's so ridiculous. What the fuck, man? You know? I was looking at that broken toe. Oh, the Jon Jones broken toe? Yeah. That was a crazy situation. It was not good.

So did he break it near the end of the fight? Yes. We think. We're not sure. We only isolated when it turned over. We isolated at one point in the video it turned over, but we didn't isolate the exact break. We have a theory as to what happened. And it seems like he was ground and pounding on

Chael Sonnen and he was just doing it so ruthlessly and ridiculously that he's just pushing his foot off of the canvas, snapped his toe backwards. Yeah. Well, when you think about it, man, it's amazing that we don't have more toe injuries. Because toes are these little tiny things

and they're getting involved in a fucking street fight, kicking elbows and fucking skulls and stomachs and catching chins. It's like the idea that this is the only time this has happened is actually kind of shocking. I protect my piggies. You should. It's a good move. But you can't fight with shoes on because the texture of the shoe would cut your face, go in your eye. I think you deal with a lot of abrasiveness. I don't think you can really – I think barefoot is only the way to go.

They could go with shin and instep pads, but that doesn't protect your toes. Your toes are what they are. They're weak. And he snapped his toe backward, and it was nasty. So I'm interviewing him, and I'm congratulating him. They put his belt on him and no one even knows it yet he doesn't even know it and then he looks down so he's like stands up man so he looked down he feels bloody oh my god my toe like he like he meet he immediately

like was like oh my god like his toe was nasty i go oh okay all right so um nobody did anything that was what was crazy no one was even anywhere near him. Like I'm like, this guy's got a broken toe. So I have to. And because it's kind of an awkward time for the doctors, like they don't know when to run in. I get the broadcast is going on and obviously I'm talking on camera. So they don't want to like interrupt. So nobody did anything. So I kind of realized that since I'm the one with the microphone and I'm talking to him, I got to do everything. So I said, hold on. Let me get him a chair. I got a chair and I called for the doctor.

Can we get a doctor in here, please? And then the doctor came running in. It's the only time I've ever had a call for a doctor in a post-fight interview. I didn't know he'd not see that. He's such a trooper, dude. He wanted to continue. I'm like, do you want to keep talking? We don't have to do this.

He's like, no, no, no. I'm cool. I'm cool. So I said, you know, tell me what was it like? You know, what was it like? All the trash talking? You know, cool. I'm cool. So I said, you know, tell me what was it like? You know, what was it like? All the trash talking, you know, I don't remember even what my questions were, you know. But when it was over, you know, he actually was holding his foot, his one foot, and dancing for the crowd. Like his toe was broken and he was holding one foot and on his left leg he was hopping around dancing for the crowd.

They were laughing and cheering. Oh, disgusting. Yeah, his toe got snapped and he was laughing about it. He didn't even care. Then he ate a pizza. He ate a giant pizza. Sat down with his big-ass pepperoni pizza. Because, you know, he has to cut weight.

And then he went to the press conference, and then he went to the hospital after all that. Yeah, they kind of stabilized his foot. They put it in a brace. But apparently, you know, it's a broken toe. It's one of those things. It happens. race but um apparently you know it's a broken toe it's one of those things it happens you know no one um no one uh knew uh i think it's there's there's there's i think there's a theory that you have to get like a broke a break taken uh care of within an eight hour window yeah so there was

some criticism of that like whether or not he should have been allowed to eat that pizza. Because if he ate that pizza, what if he goes into – you need 10 hours, I think, from the time you eat until they let you go under gas. But I don't know if they had to go anesthetic with him. I think they could probably go local. Unless they need to do a real serious ligament surgery. I think they just went local. I don't think they need to put you out. But that's a good point. real serious ligament surgery. Right. I think they just went local. I don't think they need to put you out. Right. But that's a good point.

Because if you eat and then you go and get anesthesia, you could fucking, you could throw up in your mouth. Like, you could have, like, real issues. Yeah. Anesthesia is a weird thing, man. It's scary, man. I've only done it, I think, once, where they tell you to count backwards or whatever.

And then you wake up and you're like, where the fuck am I? That's time travel right there. The last time I had it done was my nose. It's weird. But they're so good at it now. They know what the fuck to do. It's pretty incredible.

They can just pop you under and cut you open. They had to figure that out. Back in the old days, dude, they just gave you a piece of wood and you'd bite down on it and scream as they saw your leg off. Can you imagine having to do that? Dude, could you imagine? It seems like dentists are the last one to figure shit out. Dentists?

Dentists. No, dentists. Why? Because they still have to do some pretty gnarly shit to you, like grinding teeth down and pulling teeth. Yeah, but think of what a tooth is. What are their options, you know? Tooth, teeth are these hard things. Fucking lasers or something.

Well, guys that get like fake teeth, that's what's really crazy, that they can do that now perfect. They like screw into your, you have a fake one. Oh, yeah, yeah. Screw into your skull. Titanium rod.

I have a rod into my skull. And yeah, and you know what they're doing in Japan is that they're shaving them down into, like, these little teeny fangs now. Oh, God. They were doing that for a while. Yeah, they've been doing it for a while, but I guess it's coming back, like, cat teeth or whatever. Oh, God, Japanese people. Well, the good news is you can always get caps if you decide to be a responsible citizen one day.

Yeah, you just get the. But that cap shit is fucked up because they have to grind the surface of your real teeth out. All of them yeah so that's a wrap you're not no more real teeth for the rest of your life and they don't stay on that like i know this guy that was talking the other day and they just fell out like i know it was yeah he was just eating noodles and it just fell out diego sanchez and carl parisian font and diego sanchez hit carl par Parisian I believe he hit him with a knee and his veneer went flying yeah it was nuts man we thought it was a tooth you know we thought a tooth came out of his mouth and went flying that was Diego Sanchez in his heyday would swarm motherfuckers he just he had such tenacity and crazy cardio he was like the first guy that did that to Carl caught him with a big name

We thought it was a tooth and went flying. I was probably highlighted it on the on the slow-mo, you know Yeah that whole Caps thing. That's a weird thing to not have your real teeth anymore Just have this like I'm always worried that society's gonna fail I'm always worried and if's gonna fail i'm always worried and if i had a mouthful of caps i'm like god damn i gotta keep these fucking caps with me my two societies fails we have no more dentists and we're all going mad max style yeah to my two front teeth my one of my teeth is only a temporary that i've had since i was like

sixth grade or something like that yeah i'm not i'm supposed to get rid of it but well your whole face is temporary, really. How long is that going to last? Everybody. We've got like 100 years on this planet. Everything's temporary. If you've had it since sixth grade, it should be like a contest for you. Let's see how long you can keep it.

Oh, I know. Just might as well keep it. Yeah. Why not? Are you happy with it? No. I do want to get veneers, but it's so expensive. Does it work good? Veneers? No. I do want to get veneers, but it's so expensive. Does it work good?

Veneers? No. Oh, my tooth. Your fake tooth. Yeah, I'm not supposed to eat things like apples. I'm supposed to cut up apples like a little baby and things like that. I'm supposed to not eat. But it's more just the staining issue of drinking coffee every day and cigarettes.

So it's probably. So you want to get veneers so that you can ruin them too? No. So I can have it replace them. So you want to have all shiny teeth? that you can ruin them too? No. So I can have it like replace them. So you want to have like all shiny teeth? I don't want. You want to be like a supermodel? No.

I don't want that like, hey, I got white teeth. Or Cheryl Teagues? Yeah. Is that how you picture yourself? Like you? No. In that bikini? No.

I just want to have like normal teeth. Farrah Fawcett. How about that? Farrah Fawcett, that poster with the big smile. Isn't she dead? Shh. Rest in peace. Her teeth are probably. Now. But back in the day, she had this the big smile. Isn't she dead? Shh. Rest in peace. Her teeth are probably...

Now, but back in the day, she had this big, giant smile. The Farrah Fawcett poster. You know the Farrah Fawcett poster. Yeah, I can't believe she's dead. The classic, iconic Farrah Fawcett poster. Yeah, that's not good. She got cancer. That sucks.

It does suck. It sucks hard. I was looking at Pam Anderson's Twitter the other day. That's another one I just... Don't. I miss... Don't. There Twitter the other day. That's another one I miss. There's a weird thing that happens with some women is that they go from being hot to being a monster. It's really weird. It's really weird.

Where they go from being, like, really hot to almost repulsive. You know? This, like, weird clinging on to, like, youth. Remember we had Angelina, Angeline, remember we were talking about that in one of the recent podcasts, that woman who had billboards in L.A.? Yeah, and what's weird is when we talked about her the other day, my friend had, like, texted me that she face-planted and he filmed it. Oh, no, he didn't. And it was right when we when we were talking about it happened. Oh, that's so sad

It is Oh TMZ she made TMZ though Oh my god, he's harassing her. How are you? Let's see how she covers. Oh! You okay? Oh my god. Are you okay? You okay? Damn. That sucks.

Yeah. She seems nice. It probably was his fault. She's paranoid. She's getting out of her car. This guy's got a camera in her face. She's freaking out. And it's those high curbs.

Those high curbs should be. You should probably pay attention to where you're walking. But she's not paying attention because she's got a camera in her face and she's probably all weirded out. Right. Some guy's going, hey, beautiful. By the way, they don't identify themselves. They don't say, hey, I'm from TMZ. They just stick a camera in your face.

If you're sticking a camera in an old lady's face like that, she's a little weirded out by it. She walks around with that fan in front of her face. I should say they do eventually identify themselves, but not before the camera's already on. I fucked up my car in one of those curbs the other day. Those are like the double curbs. I don't know if you've seen where it's like normal curb and then there's like those really high ones. So if you open your door. Yeah.

And that's exactly what it's like. I had somebody open up my door. I'm like, what the fuck is that about? Why is that even allowed? That should be illegal. The state should pay for that. I wonder if it has anything to do with like areas where they need to drain more water. Maybe.

You know, or areas where that could be like a real issue. Right. Most likely that's what it is. Right? Got to make sure you don't hang out with dumb people that just open doors like that. Right. You know.

So annoying. Dumb people just open your door and slam it into trees and shit. Oh, sorry, dude. Right. Whoopsies. Whoopsies, dude. Did you talk about who did it to you? Oh, Opie?

I think Opie did it on purpose. I think he did it so he'd have something you talk about Who did it to you Opie I think Opie did it on purpose Did I think he did it So he'd have something To talk about Did you talk about it On the podcast What he did

No It's nothing He opened up There was a card That was picking He opened it up And it dinged my door But luckily

It was like the day Before your Yeah My lease was up Yeah So I really didn't care I was like it's no big deal I gotta bring it back It wasn't even He didn't even really didn't care i was like it's no big deal i gotta bring it

back it wasn't even he didn't even ding it just it seemed like it should have like made a loud noise right thunk but it really didn't even leave a mark but you know i guess he talked about it on the radio oh he did yeah that's funny yeah i didn't get a chance to go there this time i was in jersey i was staying in new brunswick it was just too fucking far i had too much shit i had to do while i was there i didn't get a chance to do One. I've got to wake up and call them more often. Or just go to bed late. I was listening to the beginning part of the show.

It's always Joey Diaz tweeting, like, I'm about to go live. And I'm like, I'm in bed. How's it going, Joey? Good night. Oh, Joey, when he's doing his Church of What's Happening Now? Yeah. You know what? When people have radios in their cars, that's going to be the number one drive time show in the country.

When people have radios in their cars that can play internet, which a lot of people do now, but it's not quite 100%. It's not quite. You can get Stitcher. Stitcher, you can get in a lot of Ford cars. A lot of cars are Bluetooth synced up to iPhones, and there's applications that allow you to listen to podcasts like the podcast app on iTunes, which is amazing. I love that. That's where I get all my podcasts if I listen to them. But eventually, it's going to be even easier than that so you can stream live.

If a guy like Joey could do an internet morning show and stream it live. Just get him every day from 6 to 9. He was doing something about the national anthem. Didn't we play it? We played it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Come on, man. That's funnier than anything you've ever heard on any fucking morning zoo ever.

Well, I don't know if you saw it. Get up! Get up, cocksucker! Get up! Volkswagen just announced their new crazy iBeatle. I don't know if you've heard this. It's a dock and an app for your iPhone 5, like right there, and it integrates in with your iPhone so you can just sit there

and use your radio and access things like Spotify and Stitcher, and you're going to be able to do pretty much whatever you want to. But it's coming out in the next month or a couple months, I believe. And it's like the first time that there's actually a car that I think has maybe worked with Apple because they're using some kind of software that integrates. I'm not 100% sure about it, but people are making it seem like there's actually some kind of – That looks like a three-pedal car. What? That'sal car. What?

That's my car. Yeah. Go back to that though. Is that a manual transmission? Do they still make these things with manual transmissions? The Beetle? Oh, yeah. There's manual.

There's also the – But that one that you saw there, the iPhone 5 one, is that a stick shift? Yeah, that's a stick shift. Yeah. I can't believe they even advertise that. I thought like most small car companies, I thought they were done with that. Mine's a turbo, and actually they have a diesel turbo now. Right. It's also got the paddle shifters.

Yeah, paddle shifters means it's an automatic. That's what I'm saying. The clutchless, these dual clutch boxes where you don't, I mean clutchless like you don't press it yourself. Yeah. Automatic clutch. You save money. It's just in L.A. you don't see it that much because. I don't think you do. Well, gas I think you're supposed to save. That's what I mean, clutchless, like you don't press it yourself. Yeah. Automatic clutch. You save money. It's just in L.A. you don't see it that much because – I don't think you do.

Well, gas, I think you're supposed to – That's what I mean. I'm gas. I don't think you do anymore. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't think it's more efficient anymore. I think the manual is less efficient. No, I'm sorry.

It costs less when you buy a car. Oh, to buy it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, definitely. It's like $1,000 usually less. Yeah, usually. Yeah, automatic transmission, for a long time, it was like a big amount. But I remember when I was a kid, like everybody wanted automatics.

Like it was like a big deal. Like when you had a muscle car and you wanted to get an automatic. I have no idea why now. Like I had a muscle car that was an automatic, and it was like so annoying. It just – it's doing the shifting for you. Like if you're going to drive one of those stupid old cars, you should be doing all that stupid old shit, like shifting your own gears.

You should probably roll down your own windows, too. My friend did one of those self-parking cars the other day at the dealer, and it crashed. No! It crashed? Yeah, it just ran right into the car that it was trying to park in. Oh, no. Was it a Lexus? No, I don't want to say it.

Which one was it? Say it, bitch. That Lexus. That was the first one that invented it. That is a smooth ride. If you ever want a sort of low-key luxury car, it's not as in-your-face as a Mercedes or as, as, uh, as flashy as a Bentley or something like that. But you're inside that car. You don't hear shit. They're one of the most comfortable fucking cars. Lexus knows how to make like this weird sort of environment, this weird,

like soft, calm environment. Like that car will calm you down. You ever been in, like, a really expensive luxury car? Just yours. That old BMW? Yeah. I don't have one of those anymore. Yeah, but they're not. I don't have any luxury cars anymore.

Yeah, that's true. Luxury cars are weird. Like, they calm you down. And I trouble one of those Lexuses. They're ridiculous. You don't feel anything. Everything you go over over it's like you're on a boat like you don't feel bumps and shit it's like it's it figures out a way to smooth everything out you know like you mean you feel some major ones but it's like slowly removing the feeling of the road from the driver all this is electronic filters some people hate it you know

some people that like really like cars like older cars they love the fact that you feel everything you know you feel the road you feel bumps you feel like the steering is alive you know these cars today like a lot of them they're starting to make with electronic steering so there's no there's no difference it's not more difficult to turn like under stress it's not like you don't have a feeling of like what the car is doing as you're turning it's like a numb feeling it's really kind of strange because it's weird yeah like do you remember power steering like old old car power steering like did you ever have one of those old like american cars oh yeah i had the. And then one time it went out and you're trying to drive and you have to, like, just sit there and try to turn. Oh, yeah.

Oh, if it goes out, you're fucked. Especially if you have to park. Good luck, stupid. Yeah. You're never going to figure out a way to get an Impala into a parking spot with manual steering. And you have to have fucking John Rollo arms to pull that off. But the vagueness of that shit was so weird like you would it would have like play like left and right like serious play like you could go straight you could go like

that and go straight oh yeah like no problem yep you know it's like when you wanted to turn you had to really crank that bitch had a station wagon a ford fairmont or whatever it's called state wood panels that something like that. Well, it's also the designs that they made, although they were really cool, like the Dodge Charger. They made some really cool designs in the 60s and when they were making those big, giant cars, but

they're the most un-aerodynamic cars you could think of. You know, that big, giant funnel in the front of a Dodge Charger, like that Dukes of Hazzard car that they had? That's like it's like running with a bucket in front of you you know and the bucket's like soaking up all that air and and you know and it's not sleek at all but they look so badass for the time nobody even considered the fact that the aerodynamics were dog shit they didn't know they didn't i mean they sort of realized it has to be kind of low.

It's better that way. And it's flat and just, but they didn't like have air tunnels and shit back then when they would look at the way the air flew over the body and have a coefficient of drag rating they would give each car. Yeah. I miss bucket seats the most. Like being able to just like sleep in your car or fuck a girl in your car without having to worry about stick shifts, things in the middle, and cup holders.

Yeah, remember cars where you would just hit that lever and it would fully recline back? Yeah, you'd have a bed in your car. Yeah, you'd have a bed. Too many people were fucking in their car. They noticed that the sex rate and birth rate was going up, so they removed those from the population. It's a government. It's a nanny state. I do think eventually one day I want to buy a legit van, not like a minivan, like one of those vans that your friends' parents always had that you were like, this is badass.

It's like being in the future. Do they even make those anymore? What company was that that made the really tight, big van? Well, those are conversion vans, I think you're thinking of. But there was a bunch of them. There's Fords and Chevys and Dodges. But I think it's a weird thing that the van isn't popular when the SUV is. Right.

You know, people like SUVs because they're big. You can put a lot of stuff in them. There's plenty of room. But ain't nothing big like a van, son. Yeah. I mean, a van is like a giant truck, like a bakery truck with a couple seats in it. Of course they do. They make vans. Of course they do. They use them for work. We've bought them or we rented them when we were on the road before. That's right. Remember we were in Houston? We were like, fuck it. Let's get a van. Let's get a utility van.

There was too many of us. That was back in the heyday, the initial death squad weeks. Our numbers were vast. And we were going from town to town doing these gigs. And we would bring like five, six dudes with us. We had to figure out a way to transport people. So we got a fucking cargo van. Damn, I might buy a van. I might sell my Ford Edge and just buy a van.

It's not a bad idea because, first of all, you travel around with a lot of equipment sometimes. You know, you have plenty of room in there. And you can do anything you want inside. You could deck it out like an NSA van. That's right. Dude, you could have a fucking flat screen in there and a seat so you could pull over places if you wanted to and watch television. You could have satellite on your roof. We could have a podcast studio in the back of it.

We totally have a podcast studio. All right, that's what I'm going to do. We could have a mobile podcast studio. That is no problem. If there's any TV shows that are still pimpin' shit. Hey, let's think about that right there, about us developing a podcast studio van. Okay, okay, custom van.

I'm for it, man. Honestly, we... You know what's cool about that, dude? We could go anywhere with that. Right. We talked about it once before doing one of those Silver Bullet AeroStream ones, like the small one. Yeah. I think just having a really nice van, like a comfortable one.

Because my friend's neighbor had one growing up in the 70s. And I just remember it had a curtain that divided it from the driver. There was like a bed where you could take these two couches and put them together. And it made a curtain that divided it from the driver it was like there was like a bed where you could like take these two couches and put them together and it made a bed and it had a little disco ball in there it was pretty much like a shagging wagon oh you could totally get that yeah but you could also get something where it's a party bus or like say you pull up to places like we say we could do a podcast and say hey we're gonna be you know be at this place. And we'll put speakers on the outside of the door, and you guys can hang out and watch while we podcast. Yeah.

Quiet out there, you fucking savages, while the thing is playing. You know how nutty that would be, dude? We had a van with broadcast speakers, and we'd pull up to certain locations. We set it up that we were going to podcast places. We have chairs laid out. That'd be badass. God, is there any of those shows on TV anymore that do that shit? Well, let's think about this.

Yeah, I know some people. All right. I know a dude who does a lot of car shows, man. He's the one that did rides and overhauling. My friend Bud. I could sell my Ford Edge and then go to a used car dealer you buy like a big van and have them pimp it out dude we could even we can't really broadcast on ustream from one of those fucking things yeah we can't really get bandwidth high enough no we could get bandwidth that's exactly what we're doing

right now which is okay with cellular remember we we did it uh we broadcast me you and greg and sam and seattle uh eating you eating a couple of months ago. Oh, that's right. We did that with your – But that was Wi-Fi, though. It was my iPad. No, that was just my iPad cellular iPad. Oh, I thought you were using a hotel's Wi-Fi.

No. It wasn't. It was just the cellular. That's right. That was one of those Samsung things, right? Oh, badass. Look at this, dude, inside of a van. Check this shit out.

Did Scooby-Doo live in that one? Oh, look at that. Yo, that's fat. Dude, there's IMAX just built into the fucking... The wall. And that's the side... Wow. It's just mounted.

They're wall mounted. Yeah. Dude. Dude. Look at that. We need to get one like Scooby-Doo's van. Ooh, look at that. Pull that one up.

That one with the door. Is that guy's got up? The same one. The douchey looking guy? It's the same one. Pull it up though, that photo. This one right here? Yeah, just the photo of him at the door, in front of the door.

Oh, so that's... See, I was understanding how it was set up. Now I see it. Yeah. Because that's the door. See, I would want it more couchy and loungy but with cool stuff. You know what I mean?

This looks more like a mobile workstation, which is cool, but I think it should be more like a chillaxing pad. You're totally right. It should be like super comfortable couch and a flat screen and us with headsets. So we're like semi-circular. I like that aspect of it.

Right. Semi-circular phasing a monitor. On the outside, it should look 70s and just tinted windows. So it doesn't look like it's some – I wouldn't want it to be like, hey, everyone, look, you could steal this, and there's a million iMacs in it. And there's also urban people that might have – Hey, look at that.

It's over here with this fucking guy. They have it all tagged up. You know what I mean? So it's like attracting like, oh, there's probably some good speakers in this. You, what's that? It's over here with this fucking guy. They have it all tagged up. You know what I mean? So it's like attracting like, oh, there's probably some good speakers

in this. You know what I mean? If you had access to porn stars, and I know you do, you could bribe them to blow David Cho and maybe he would

paint something on it for us. He's a badass. I'm mad, I'm mad, man, because I- He just has

too much painting to do. He doesn't have time to paint a van, but- Well, I'm upset because David Cho because he just has too much painting to do. He doesn't have time to paint a van. Well, I'm upset because David Cho was on the Koreatown episode of Anthony Bourdain's show on CNN, and it happened, his episode was the same weekend it was supposed to be during all the Boston

bombings, so it recorded like 30 minutes of news, you know, like DVR, and it just didn't record it. It skipped it, and so now there's like no way I don't know how to get it. That sucks. How is his new show? I is this new show I haven't seen it's pretty much just like his old show he just goes to like different cities and stuff like that it's pretty good though I mean I wanted to really see the Koreatown one cuz Koreatown is really cool like there's a lot of weird things in Koreatown like there's like a club called the key club where you there's all these like doors and you have to

have a key to get in like a speakeasy. Wow. And there's a lot of weird karaoke bar places. There's Girlfriend. Have you heard of these clubs? I think they're called

Girlfriend Clubs. Oh, Girlfriend Clubs. Yeah. Where these two girls just sit down and act like they're your girlfriend for the whole day.

I know a dude who went to one of those. I think they're, what are they called? There's another name for Girlfriend. Companion Clubs. Companion Club.

Companionship Clubs. Yes, that's what it is. Companion clubs. Companion club. Companionship clubs. Yes, that's what it is. It's really weird because they were pretty girls. They were essentially gold diggers. Right. And they were, like, hoping that they would run into some, like, rich dude there who would take care of them. Like, there was a lot of that going on. Right.

But there was also probably a lot of, like, low-level planning for prostitution. And then there was probably some legit girls who just needed a job. And if I have to sit there and talk to this fucking loser for two hours. Yeah. A lot of models do it. I know some of the clubs, like there's a couple of models. I know that Asian models and they're like,

no, you know, that's a legit job. Like they, they pay you a hundred dollars an hour, you know, just to sit there and talk to them. No prostitution,

no prostitution at all. No prostitution at all. So it depends on which one of the weird clubs you go to. Absolutely. Yeah, I knew a dude who went to one of those. He was like a sad case. Poor guy. Couldn't get a girlfriend.

Never could make it happen. So he would go to these things and hang out with girls. I guess you had to pay him X amount per hour to sit with you. I would almost go because I like Asian girls so much. are they always asian most of the time what they are like i don't really i think the only other one i've ever heard is russian but it's more mostly asian yeah he said that like some of it was like married dudes would come in there just didn't have anybody to talk to they'd come in and talk to these young pretty girls and then that's all they wanted then they would leave right that happens in strip clubs every day, you know.

True. But they keep their clothes on in these places, so you can pretend it's a nice girl. It's so weird. I kind of want to try. I like that shit. I like trying that shit because usually stories come from that shit, experience comes from it, and then you think of things you never thought of before. You know, I like doing that weird shit.

That's why I like trying all these weird massage parlors latelyors lately like it's weird to me that that lifestyle even happens you know yeah it's uh it's very weird and what's weird is how taboo it is in this stupid country yeah you know that everyone's so freaked out about it this is what we need brother we need to get an 18 van make it look like the 18 oh fuck yeah that's what it is Make it look like the A-Team. Oh, fuck yeah. That's what it is. Have it exactly like the A-Team van. That's the shit right there. And do everything the A-Team van has on it, like a winch.

The big thing over the grill. The big metal shit. Actually, no, we shouldn't, right? We shouldn't come up with our own shit. We can't have the Death Squad cat on it. No, no. I want it to look kind We shouldn't come up with our own shit. We can't have the death squad cat on it. No, no. I want it to look kind of like, like I was saying, like 70s.

Like you would just drive by and go like, that's just an old van. Maybe Scooby-Doo van. Let's look up Scooby-Doo van. No, that's like fluorescent green with flowers on it and orange petal roses. There's a movie I saw the other day about these two prostitutes from amsterdam and they're the roads like they were like the oldest prostitutes ever oh and they said that they saw more than 355 000 clients to date and they're they're twin sisters and there's a uh oh my god are you kidding me yeah they just retired the other day but there's a just – They just retired. Yeah, there's a Netflix movie all about them, a documentary.

There's a Scooby-Doo van for sale at Craigslist. Oh, there's a lot of those because when the movies came out, Scooby-Doo 1, 2, and 3, they had a bunch of these advertising vans. So these ladies – These ladies, but anyways, it's a really interesting documentary. So these ladies. documentary because they talked about how they didn't really want to do it anymore they were kind of you know like i'm an old lady i don't want to do this but then they had to because they had no other choice because they had no money and uh if you can look that but but what was crazy is like she sat in the like window and she had to put on makeup and a wig on she put her little cleavage out in these windows and they just have these chairs in the windows i've never been to amsterdam so i've never seen this where they sit in the window, kind of like a puppy in the window.

They're like, you know, making kissy noises and like, hey, why don't you come in here? You want to fuck, you know, like and these old ladies were doing it and they would still get clients, you know, and everything because like you'd walk by like these kids would walk by and like, hey, you want to fuck an old lady? This is what she said. This is what she said. I was a little tired. That's her quote. That was the first quote. I was a little tired, Louise told As It Happens host Carol Off in an interview that aired March 18th.

The sisters said that old age and arthritis were the main reasons for their retirement and have written about their exploits in a new book called The Ladies of Amsterdam. The Ladies of Amsterdam. Yeah, I think that's the name of the movie. Awesome, maybe. Fucking A, man. And it was really interesting. Like, here's some photos of them sitting in their windows.

See, like, here's, like, the little window in front of the door. Oh, Christ. Is that them? Yeah. Oh, my God. And they would sit sit there with the big jacket on like that it's oh it's called meet the folkens oh my americans oldest prostitutes look at the gun on her yeah i mean they used to be you know built like ralphie may look at that that's how they would walk down the street and the documentary was kind of cute just because they were so such old ladies you Oh my god. But it was also

really disturbing. They look like dudes pretending to be old ladies in one of those theme movies. Like Benny Hills. Like Dustin Hoffman. Yes. Yeah, they do. Yeah, they look fake. Yeah, like two Benny Hills in dresses. Wow.

Man, the darkness that they must have seen. How much people they fucked. Just think of that. The weird darkness that they must have seen. How much people they fucked. Just think of that, the weirdness that they must have seen in sucking 350,000 cocks. Jesus. Just think of the herpes they have. They probably got mostly herpes. That's why they were red. They're just a big herp.

It's like the Red Hat Club. They're all like sisters. Their body just becomes like a battleground. And all the HIV, STD, syphilis, gonorrhea, AIDS, it all just battles it out together for dominance. See who wins. And meanwhile, she stays healthy. She stays healthy because they attack each other. They don't even go after the immune system. That's going to be disgusting. Imagine if that were your kids. That's when it would really gross you out. other they don't even go after the immune system I mean I should though

your kids that's when it would really gross you out imagine if you had a kid with a chick and then you weren't really that into it and you kind of like kept away from her and left and didn't pay child support and she went into poverty and then he found out many years later that your kid retired as the oldest prostitute ever in Amsterdam. You know? Man, you want to talk about regret. That's someone's little girl. That's someone's little girl.

That was someone's little cute baby that was so sweet. Everything she said was adorable. Oh, my goodness. Look at her. She's so precious. Next thing you know, it doesn't really end that well. This story, well, how did it end? Well, do you really want to hear the end?

Yeah. Well, they became a prostitute for 50 years. And sucked 350,000 dicks. Both of them and their twins. God damn. That's hardcore, man. I've always wanted to have twins. Have you ever known someone that's been a prostitute?

Oh, yeah. A few prostitutes. What is that? That has to be one of the weirdest. Well, the girl I knew in Ohio, the first girl I ever met that was a prostitute, she was like a girl that tried to be a porn star from Ohio. She would come to L.A. once a month and stay there for a week and film a bunch of shit

And then come back, but when she came back I mean she made all this money from being you know making all these movies and fucking and fucking people But when she came back she was like alright I don't want to be a stripper out or anything like that so she would just do like the the escort shit You know she did it Quite regularly, and she was just making – I mean, she had more money than anybody I knew. You know, I mean, she had, like, the best house in Ohio. The best house in Ohio.

She bought Mike Tyson's place. Of our age group, meaning, like, she had, like, a really nice fat place, you know, compared to, like, all of us who are, like, living like five guys in a fucking – Right. You know. It's kind of crazy, isn't it? It's crazy that you can massage people, but you can't massage dicks. Right. Because that's essentially what being a prostitute is.

Because people love to have sex, right? They love to have sex. But if you love to have sex and someone gives you money for it, that's somehow or another illegal. Well, people love to get massages, love to get massages. But the massage is only good for one person. You know? If you're a chick who loves dick and you're getting fucked, it actually feels good for you, too.

A massage is actually more like prostitution than even prostitution. Oh, yeah. Because it's just some one person. You're not even having sex. Like, a blowjob, I guess, is more like prostitution. Or, like, a handjob, even. But what if, like, taking, like like you meet a girl on a blind date and you take her out to dinner and spend all this money on drinks and food and then you go and fuck her? What about just

not drinking the food or eating and just giving her the money and skipping that part? Like it's like the same shit. I think our brilliant nanny state government is trying to encourage friendship. They want you guys to really like each other. Why don't you really like each other? Why don't you be sweet to each other for real? Don't do it for money. You can't do it for money.

You can't do it for money. You know why you can't do it for money? Because I can't trust that you're going to pay the taxes. That's why. And then also it looks bad. If politicians pass laws that say prostitution is legal, then people go, why do you want that? Elliot Spitzer? Just call it a better name, companion kisses.

Companion kisses on my dick sack, son. Call it Jesus hugs. Jesus hugs. It's a weird thing that something that people love to do, it's like a really seedy thing if you get paid for it. That's weird. Right. But it's not everywhere our country's attitude

about it is archaic compared to the rest of the world completely archaic our country's attitude about all kinds of things just about sex and nudity and and especially when it comes to women man for women i think our country treats women that are into sex that enjoy sex they frown on them so much in comparison to like canada like canada like girls that you meet from canada they're like way cooler about sex like not obviously massive generalization right vancouver plenty of really cool women uh in this country too but i've met a lot of them that were like super nice and friendly. And then you go, where are you from?

And they're like, Canada. And you're like, Oh, okay. Like you don't have any weird hangups. That happens a lot. The weird,

the weird sex hangup is like, you know, girls worrying that guys are going to think they're slut. Have you ever dated a girl, fucked her on the first date? And then like, she was like your, your girlfriend for years.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Me too. A lot of times totally like the girl that girls think that that's a bad thing to hold back no it's not i mean it's not wise yeah definitely not wise actually when they do do it i now think different about it than i used to because i'm like oh that was too easy yeah but you know what but i'm not gonna be like no I'm not dating you anymore. When you were young especially, it's so hard to find someone that you really enjoy. It's hard. Like you're looking for pretty and you're looking for what you're attracted to.

And then once you get to them, well, it's sort of like you start reading a book. And you don't know what the hell the story is about until you get into the book. And so you meet them and you go, wow, she's pretty and she talks and we're talking to each other and you'd like to get her naked and I'd like to get you know you back. But once you start finding out what the story is, you're like, oh, okay, I don't like this story. I got to go. You fucking piece of shit.

And then you have to try to find one that you actually do like, a story that you like. And the idea that you can meet someone and right away know that you like that story sometimes you do yeah sometimes you meet someone and then it's fucking awesome from the moment you meet him you like love being around them and you never have any problems but for the most part that doesn't happen right especially if you're a fucking idiot right right we all know that one dude at, who will never have a relationship. He's just unfuckable. He just can't keep it together. He can never get a girlfriend.

Like, he'll have one, he'll fuck it up, he'll have another and fuck it up. We all know that one dude who just never has a girlfriend. Just can't keep it together. Yeah. I'm trying not to have – the older I'm getting, I'm trying more and more not to have girlfriends even though I don't like being alone. But also I also – it seems like my mind is just – I'm in a place right now where I'm trying to do a lot of stuff. You know what I mean? Instead of where back like 10 years ago, I'm more like I just like couches and watching TV. Yeah, you're doing a lot of stuff. You know what I mean? Instead of where back like 10 years ago, I'm more like I just like couches and watching TV.

Yeah, you're doing a lot of stuff. I mean you still go out a lot too, but you've got a lot of podcasts, a lot of projects, art projects, all those different things you're doing, the cat shirts and doing comedy shows. Comedy is the biggest thing. Yeah, all of it. Hanging out at the comedy clubs. Comedy is the biggest thing. Yeah, all of it. Hanging out at the comedy clubs. Well, that's another issue, too.

Because if you have a girl and you're dating her and you're out almost every night doing comedy, they're going to get annoyed at you, man. Yeah. I've had girls that I was dating that got annoyed at me being a comedian. And none of them want to just hang out at a comedy club. Well, some of them don't mind for a little while they don't mind. But after a while, they're like, God damn it, dude. I can't hear you tell the same fucking jokes three nights in a row. Can we go do something?

I can't. I got to work on my set. Oh, God. You know? Girl's got a job. She works all day. And then after work, you guys are supposed to get together, and you got to go do a set. Go to Panera Bread.

Yeah. Get some yoga. Yeah. Then dating someone that's a comic, though, that's highly unrecommended as well. Right. That's one of the hardest things in life, man, is finding someone who compliments you. Like what I mean not like says, you look so good. But I mean like someone who their style of being a person and your style of being a person like mesh up well.

Right. It's very difficult to find. Cheese and wine. Because I think about that sometimes, like, you know, we unlikely couples that we know, you know,

we, we know so many couples where like, you know, yeah, I guess somehow or another that shit works like that. His thing and her thing together. Like I wouldn't want to be with her. And if I was a girl,

I wouldn't want to be with him, but together they figure it out. You know? Yeah. There's some weird couples that – like I think the best couple I know is Tom Segura and Christina. Tom and Christina. I was going to say that too.

Like they seem like they were designed for each other. I think they're like the kind of couple where you're going to find out that they're related in a couple years. Like there's something to it that it's like this seems a little too perfect. They're so friendly to each other. It's so nice. But if you stop and think about it, if any one of our friends, not Ari, he would get grumpy. You wouldn't want him to be a girl.

No. Duncan wouldn't mind, but he might snap at you too. Yeah. If he takes off some of our best friends and turn their personality into a – make them a female. I'd be the best one. Would you date them? You would be the best one? You'd be the best girlfriend?

I'd be such a fucking slut. You would be a dirty bitch that I could let my friends fuck. That's who you'd be. I could bring my friends over. They would fuck you. You'd be like, whatever. I like sex. Woo!

Yeah, I don't think I've ever dated a sex I've never been successful dating another comedian ever I dated one during the open mic days I dated this girl but didn't work out it would be in your head it seems like it would be the best I've dated a few comics but it's always was fun like running material by them because they, you know, and still get them helping you. That was really cool. I avoided some.

But the downfall is like if you break up with them, they're in your fucking sandbox with you for the rest of you. That was Ari's situation. Yeah, it's mine with Esther. I still have to fucking see Esther. I mean, I love seeing Esther now,

but for a while. And Tony, you know, what's weird with Tony Hinchcliffe is that Tony dated her for like a year and a half. Before you? Right before me. Oh, my goodness. I didn't know Tony.

And so then when I met Esther, I had no idea. Did you ever fuck her and go, did Tony fuck you like this? No. No one fucks her like I did. Like the way you do? Yeah. Do you spit in her mouth? No.

I bury her. Do you get crazy? Do you go 50 Yeah. Do you spit in her mouth? No. I bury her. Do you get crazy? Do you go 50 shades of gray on her? Oh, fuck yeah. No. She's pretty intense. But the thing about it was is that I then met Tony after we started dating because I had to.

Tony was calling her still and doing that kind of shit where it would be four in the morning. I'd be like, who's calling you? He'd be like, oh, shit shit tony who's that tony guy so then the one of the first brody uh podcast i did brody experiment number one i think i invited tony to be on the on the show didn't even know the guy like like with uh benji just to kind of make it so like all right now we know each other all right so no more 4 in the morning calls. Yeah, that's how I knew Tony.

And now me and Tony are like best friends. So you set that up so that you could talk to him and tell him not to call Esther for booty calls? Well, there was a lot of things going on. One was that he was, like, doing that. Two, it was kind of like, look, I don't want some angry guy getting pissed off at me. You know, that's a comic. Oh, I see. You know what I mean? I was trying to be like, hey, this is me.

Nice to meet you. Yes, I'm dating Esther now. Hey, welcome, you know. You can't fuck her anymore. Right. But it was weird that now we're like, me and Tony are like great friends. He's awesome. Yeah, he's a good guy.

Yeah, he did Indianapolis with me. He killed too. Yeah. It was really fun. He's a good dude. Like I said several times on the podcast, one of the things that I really love is seeing the new guys come up. It's so fun. It's like I love that there's pretty much a never-ending supply of stand-up comedy.

It's like you're always going to have more people. There's always going to be new ones coming up. There's always going to be people that are getting better. It's just it never ends. Luckily. I think that clubs need to have more open mics, though, man. I think that's a real issue with stand-up comedians. Ice House needs one for sure.

But it's a real issue to have a developing class of upcoming guys. Like, there's only a few clubs that develop people from the ground up. The Laugh Factory, good luck. You've got to wait in line on Tuesday. You've got to get there at 9 a.m. and sign up. Shit. And then they put your material on YouTube without telling you. Yeah.

I was like, thanks. What the fuck? Well, it's a good place to work out. He doesn't put my shit up there. Yeah, of course not. But it's because I told him not to. They were going to. He wanted to.

And I said, you can't. No. No filming me. Don't put it on the air. Come on, man. I know somebody that was like, look, dude, that's not cool. Take my material. They took it down.

And then the following week, they put it back up. I'm not surprised. Yeah. I'm not surprised. They probably make you sign some shit. Did you go to the improv last night? No. What was at the improv?

No. It was the last night that that bar was open. What bar? The bar in the front. They're tearing all that down and making it a steakhouse or something. What? Yeah, they have a new bar that's in the back of the club, I guess, and they've extended it, and they tore down the stage too.

It's going to be really weird decision-making there, though. Whoa. I don't know what they're doing. Well, maybe they feel like they could do good money as a steakhouse. They actually have really good food there. Is it going to be the same kitchen? No. I think it's either that they're franchising a place out, which is what I heard originally.

But then last night I heard a steakhouse. So maybe they're just trying to, like, hey, I would eat there every day if it was a steakhouse. Like a Fleming's or something like that? Like open the front to a steakhouse. So maybe they're just trying to, like, hey, that's – I would eat there every day if it was a steakhouse. Like a Fleming's or something like that? Like open the front to a steakhouse? Huh. That's a badass idea. You know, that's a great move, though, to have a nice restaurant right next to a comedy club where you can come in, say there's a 9 o'clock show. You go in at 7, have a nice meal, and then go right over and watch a show.

Or just having a good kitchen. You know, like some of these comedy clubs are just fried everything. Or you look at the Ice House. They actually have chefs there that are like, oh, no, this is actually really good. Dude, I had a steak from the Ice House. It was fucking jamming. It was really good. It was good.

Yeah, the Ice House is badass. There's only like, I mean, how many clubs are there in Southern California that have good food that are also comedy clubs? Flapper's has great food. The Improvs, almost all of them have good food. Yeah. They all have good food. They all have like a decent, at the very least, decent.

Right. You know? That's such a great idea. Like, I don't, I'm obviously not a non-comedian, but if I was a non-comedian and that was a job where I could have a meal and go somewhere and go see a comedy show, fuck, what an awesome night. You know, especially if, like, you can go see someone who's good. Yeah. We were having this conversation about how many stand-up comedians there are. And I think it was, maybe it was me and Burr, me and some other comic.

We were trying to figure it out. And we started out by saying there's probably like altogether like maybe 2,000 in the whole country that are professional comedians. That go on the road and everything? Yeah. Did you think about 2,000? I would say 2,000, yeah. That's a good number. I mean there's a lot of open micers, but you can't count those.

about 2000 i would say 2000 yeah that's that's a good no i mean there's a lot of open micers but you can't count those but if you're talking about even the smaller guys that are still going on the road playing a couple clubs or doing a couple things 2000 unless you count like maybe like some guys that do like the college circuit which they're only playing bars in college areas you know like not real comics but they sell themselves as comics or something you know i bet there's like this whole group of comics that aren't in the comic-y circle at all that do, like, shows. Well, they're still comics, though, right?

Yeah, I guess so. They just don't hang out with us. Right. I mean, at a certain point in time, you know, a lot of comics become, like, they just become, like, theater acts. Like, okay, here's a perfect example. Brian Regan.

Hilarious guy. Brilliant comedian. When was the last time you saw Brian Regan come to a comedy club and fuck around? You know? Yeah. You've never seen him. But he does these big theaters. He sells out theaters.

And so I think he just does all of his writing and knows what's funny and what's not and just works it into his act as he does them in these theaters. I was talking to – we had Jim Florentine on a podcast the other day. He's a great guy. Oh, great guy. I'm going to be working with him tonight also. Uh,

and he, uh, he was talking about how, uh, what's, what's the guy from, uh, East coast that,

uh, really funny comic comic, but he doesn't like to fly. So he doesn't do any West coast shows. Uh, we, we talked about him. Otto.

No, no. Uh, the one that. Otto? No, no. The one that might be works. Might be? Yeah, that might be. Oh, Nick DiPaolo. Nick DiPaolo. He doesn't like to fly? Yeah, I guess Nick DiPaolo doesn't go past Chicago.

He doesn't fly past Chicago. He only does clubs on that side of Chicago. Because I was like, why don't I ever see him anywhere? I never see him anywhere. But it's just because I don't live on that side of Chicago. Because I was like, why don't I ever see him anywhere? I'd never see him anywhere, but just because I don't live on that side of Chicago anymore. But that's somebody I would like to see start touring around. He should also do a fucking podcast, because Nick did a radio show with Artie Lang.

And does he do a podcast now? I think he still does. Nick, look, Nick should never be on regular radio i mean he should be a guest on regular radio like you know if he has to do howard stern or something like that absolutely do it but nick is a guy who you want completely uncensored and the fact that he was doing that arty lang show i would watch it sometimes on direct tv and i was like i i know he has to hold back here like he shouldn't he has to be in an environment where there's zero holding back you know just let him let him rant and let

him say what he wants whenever he wants to say it he's hilarious he has like really right-wing beliefs about a lot of shit that i you know some of it i don't even agree with but i think it's fucking funny as hell but you're never going to get those on a regular radio show you're just not going to right these like some you know some guys get stuck in a situation where the very thing that makes them awesome is the thing they can't do when when they're on the job you know like being offensive saying ridiculous shit swearing and being real sexual or or whatever it is that's funny that you're talking about. You can't do that if you're on a regular radio show. You literally can't do it.

You know, like you're so limited. Like the way they would have to describe things. I would watch them like dance around bad words and shit. I was like, God, this is so pathetic. It's like a slave gig. It's like you're censoring yourself. You're talking. You're ad-libbing.

But you know you can't say this. You know you can't say that. There's rules. There's rules to this gig. I'm on the radio talking, but I can't be me. Right. I can't fully be me. I can't use all my words.

Because if I do, everyone's going to get so sad. He's going to make certain sounds with his mouth. They're going to really piss people off. And it's a weird thing because it's not, it's an intent thing because you can say a word that means exactly the same thing. Like you can say, apparently a woman was arrested because she was having sex with men. was arrested because she was having sex with men, and then while she let them put her penis inside her vagina,

she would start biting their face. You could say that, but you couldn't say, this crazy bitch, what she'd do, she would fuck these guys, and the moment they stuck their cock in her, she would bite down on their face. You couldn't say that, but that's the right way to say it. You know, I mean, you could say having sex with her. But what if you wanted to say, stuck your cock in her?

You should be able to say that too. Like, it's the same goddamn thing. You have the same image in your mind. Exactly. But one of them can get you thrown in jail. One of them can get you like a quarter million dollar fine. Not only that, you could say that word. You got to say it in a different way. Like, you could say cock-a-doodle-doo.

And you could say it on the radio and no one could say a goddamn thing. You could say pussy cat and no one could say a goddamn thing. You could have a nice little pause in there. Pussy cat. And no one could do anything. Right. There's nothing you did wrong. You can't go to jail.

We are apes. We are so fucking stupid as a culture. That is one of the dumbest fucking things about people today, the bad word thing. It's unbelievable that that's still around. I mean, and it's so ridiculous that it's one of those things that because it's around and because it's so silly and we all have to follow it, it makes us more prone to following ridiculous rules. It makes us easier to govern, I think. I think it makes us easier to control. Because if you can get people to not swear all day at work, you know, on the job, you know, I don't swear. I might say something about a coffee and check out the dumper on that fucking broad.

You know, you might say something like that while you're going to get a cup of coffee in the kitchen, but it'd be completely inappropriate. it's limited to dark shadowy areas where no one's around but the fact that you don't do it every day all the you can't always be free with your the way you communicate you're trying to portray something at work you want to have a professional image can't use those words i'm more likely to buy a car or something from a guy who swears. You know? If I think I can hang out with him, he's going to talk normal? Oh, yeah. Some fucking weirdo wants to tell me about the various features, and he can't even throw a shit or a fuck in there.

Come on, pal. Yeah, I would always say- How cold does this fucking thing get? Go with the cusser. It gets fucking cold. That's what I'm talking about, man. Yeah. Some places, it's a little weird.

I had this guy at CVS. I was buying beer and it was Miller High Life and there was people behind me and stuff and he goes, dude, I've always been saying, wouldn't that be cool if they actually had weed in this beer? And I'm like, dude, you work at CVS. Please, don't talk like this. It was really uncomfortable.

I just wanted CVS nuts. Sir, I would like you to be professional right now and not address me as if you're a normal person. Because this is where I buy medicine, and I don't want you to be like that. And I'm buying my Miller High Life medicine. Miller High Life. Miller High Life. That's not a good tasting beer.

No, it's a great beer. It's a champagne beer. You're on drugs. That shit's bad. Have you ever had Miller High Life? You know what I listened to the other day? The Roth Show. David Lee Roth.

Our good friend, by the way. Yeah. We were allowed to say that. We talked to him for fucking hours. Oh, yeah. We hung out with him. David Lee Roth's the coolest man on earth. We've actually, in total, talked to that guy almost probably like five hours.

Yeah. Because the Comedy Store night? Yeah. Well, the Comedy Store night was even weirder because we weren't filming. He was just hanging out. But that's how cool he is. No, but you were filming. I have it all on tape.

Yeah, but I'm saying we didn't have a big camera. We didn't have some gigantic setup like this where he knew he was on a podcast. But I was watching his podcast, The Roth Show, which is pretty fucking funny, man. First of all, he does it all in overalls. He does his podcast in overalls. He wore overalls in here too when he did the podcast here. I think that's all he wears now. What are you eating? Where do you buy it? There's only think that's all he wears now. What are you eating?

Where do you buy it? There's only two of us and you're eating. What are you doing? I'm trying to eat my breakfast. I'm eating trail mix. Trail mix. But he was talking about beers and that he loves Budweiser. He likes the taste of Budweiser because when he drinks these organic beers or micro-brews or what have you,

he said, you're missing a little bit of the nuclear waste. You're missing a little bit. There's a chemical taste that's just missing from that. Well, it also doesn't taste like what you grew up thinking beer tastes like. Beer had, like, growing up, there was just light beer and beer for the most part. There wasn't that much fancy stuff going on. That fucking stuff that I have here, what is it, Jamie? Black Butte Porter.

Who makes that shit? Do you remember? Some micro brew, some small. It's the best tasting beer I've ever had in my life. It's delicious. It's like chocolate. I mean, it's so good. Like Guinness?

It's like that, but better. It tastes better. It's like a lighter Guinness, but it's like Guinness. But I had a steak one night, and I had that shit. I was like, this is the best beer I've ever drunk. I've never had a beer that's so tasty. It's incredible. And I didn't think anything of all those micro-brewers before that day.

Before that day, I just didn't. I didn't think. I'm like, it's beer. It's beer. I like beer, but I like Heineken. Heineken's delicious. To me, if I'm eating something and I can get a nice cold Heineken, I like Heineken. Heineken's delicious. To me, if I'm eating something and I can get a nice cold Heineken,

I think Heineken tastes fucking great. But I didn't think that a micro beer would be a totally different sort of experience. But some of them are, man. There's some badass motherfuckers out there making some crazy beer. My friend Shane just won first place. Your buddy from Columbus? Yeah, he just won first place in this big beer

thing, and now this local bar is serving his beer all year because he won first place. Holy shit. Shane's a beer mogul? Yeah, he started in his basement. He's been doing it for a while. And he built his own bar in his basement. It all has his own beers in it.

That's hilarious. It's cool. Can you get him to sell us some? Will he sell us some beer? Oh, sure. Can you ship it? Can you ship it? Can you ship it? Sure.

He can bottle it and everything? He does the whole deal? Yeah. Dude, let's get a tap. We should. Let's get a keg here with Shane's beer. Can he make a keg? Probably, yeah.

How does he ship it? I don't know. How does he sell it to them? I would have to ask him if he can even do it. The reason I'm saying it is if he's selling it to restaurants, he must be giving them a keg or something if Well, I think if I What's that bar in Columbus, like Brewery

Barney? No, not Barney's, but the one right there on High Street. There's a brewery that they're selling it. So they might be actually brewing it at the bars. Oh, so it's one of those places where they're making it in the establishment and then chilling it right there so there's no travel at all. Oh.

Barley's. Barley's Brewing Company, I think is where it's – Well, that's a real popular thing now, and I swear to God, until I had this Black Butte Porter, whatever the hell – I probably should fucking say the name of it for these guys because it's so goddamn delicious. Let me find it. It's in my Instagram, bitch. Yeah, here's actually Shane winning. Here's photos on

Barley's company. There's Shane and his friend. yeah. What is the name of his beer? Let me try to find it. I'll find it. I can't quit Instagram now. Oh, Hoptic Nerve His beer? Let me try to find it. I can't quit Instagram now. Oh, Hoptic Nerve Eye.

Oh, that's a great name. Yeah. I can't quit Instagram, but sometimes I do wonder what the hell I'm doing. Oh, and their tap is a big eyeball. It's a big eyeball? Yeah. You know, like the things that they pour, like they hold down. It's just a big eyeball.

Okay, it just says Black Butte Porter. God damn it. Yeah, I'm more of a fan of Jack Daniels lately, which is a horrible thing because I just got into Jack Daniels like the last year of my life. I've never been into Jack Daniels lately, which is a horrible thing because I just got into Jack Daniels like the last year of my life. I've never been into Jack Daniels. But now I just only like to drink Jack. And I don't even like drinking beer anymore. But I'm trying to force myself to go back to beer. This is the beer. It's Deschutes Brewery.

D-E-S-C-H-U-T-E-S Brewery. And on my Instagram, there's a photo of one a glass of it the first time i ever had it so apparently now i know that there are a lot of uh really interesting beers out there because i went to another place that had one of those like local beers on tap in austin and um i've done i've done that a couple times a a couple different places and had some of the local stuff. And some of it's good and some of it's okay, but this stuff is pretty fucking badass. I think there's a bunch of different people doing a bunch of different things when it comes to beers now. There's IPAs.

I can't tell, but there's a place by my house called Tony's Darts Away, which isn't even a dart place. They just only sell ipas and it's just all this handmade beer from california and there's like i don't know like a hundred different beers and each one says like the alcohol content and some of them are like ridiculously high like that's that's illegal you know but uh i i've tried all of them and they're all okay but i don't think like as a just a drinking every kind of day i'm not like that's how I drink. I like light and easy to drink and not – Stanhope drinks Miller Lite.

Yeah, I'm more – I'm just like that. I'm the same way. I like Miller Lite, Miller High Life. I like more of a Miller guy than my Texas folk friends. Shit. It's kind of fucked up, and one of the things I was thinking about when I was in New York, maybe really think about how strange it is that California doesn't have a public transportation system. When I was in New York and I was watching all these drunk people walk down the street, I was like, yeah, you could just get fucked up here and just get in the subway or take a cab. In California, if you get fucked up, you're driving fucked up or someone is driving you.

It's a weird thing that we don't have a public transportation system. I mean we have – We never figured it out. We have buses and they have like the subway but it's like very limited. Like I can actually go from North Hollywood to like to the Staples Center and I've done it before. But it's – I have to like ride my bike or drive to the train station and drop it off and go underneath. But it's so – honestly, I'm freaked out about doing subways in Los Angeles. Well, there's weirdos and vagrants and fucking dangerous folks.

And earthquakes. Yeah. That's just like a big fear of mine. More likely the people though than the earth moving. But yeah, I mean it's something to think about. The fucking – the BART in San Francisco is the craziest one. Yeah. That's the one

that's under the ocean. Under the ocean. Fuck that. Yeah. You know how I found out about that? I went, we did Fear Factor there

back in the Disney. And I got a hold of some sort of pot brownie or a cookie or something like that. It was, it was whatever it was, it was an edible and it was extra strong. And I didn't realize how strong it was until mid ride on the Bart.

I was, my ears were popping. I was like, why are my ears popping? And, uh, my friend Matt said, because we're under underwater. And I go, what? Like, I didn't realize what we were doing. We were in Oakland and we had to take a, the subway to the city to have, to? Like, I didn't realize what we were doing. We were in Oakland, and we had to take the subway to the city to have dinner. This BART, whatever the fuck you want to call it. I literally had no idea this thing went under the ocean. So for five minutes or however long it takes to make that trip from Oakland to San Francisco, I was shit in my pants. I mean, sweating, wiping my hands on my my pants holding on to that bar and like the steel bar in the middle of the fucking thing wiping my hands on my pants just shit in my

pants going we're underwater right now that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard in my life well that's how i felt when we went to japan at one point because i overthought it and i'm like we're over ocean right now like there's a lot of ocean. We can go down and there's no emergency landing right now. We're just in ocean. You're better off on ocean than you are making an emergency landing on the ground somewhere. Dude, I saw this fucking thing about colossal squids, a documentary about it. Have you ever seen a colossal squid before? Giant squids they're called.

Are they called colossals or giant? The colossal is the biggest one. They're bigger than giant squids. There's another one? Yeah, I think it's bigger than a giant squid. Whoa. And I think the biggest one, I think, what is it, seven feet tall? But they're dissecting this colossal squid, and the eyeball alone is the size, I think they said of a bowling ball or something like that.

Oh, my God. Dude, there's a photograph of one that they caught. Yeah, the Colossal Squid exhibit is the exhibit of them catching the squid. But check this, like, right here, this eyeball. Like, ooh. Dude, they can be

12 to 14 meters long. That's 46 feet long. That's fucking crazy. Stop and think about how long 46 feet is. I guess that, though, includes the tip of their stupid little stringy things they have

hanging at the end. That shouldn't count for body mass. That's like their hair. Oh my god, look at that thing. Is that real? What the fuck, dude. Is that a cut or is that where the top is? Look at this. That's not a cut.

That's where the top is. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's its eyeball? Yeah. Is that real? Yeah. Do you know its eyeball developed independently of the human eyeball?

the human eyeball it's eyeball developed independently of the human eyeball and strikingly works with the same principles because they deviated from our you know whatever wherever life came from you know whatever primitive life that came from the ocean that resulted in all mammal life on the planet it all started out as ocean life at one point in time that was the first life before there was life anywhere else and they they're related to mollusks. They're related to slugs. Here, the difference between a colossal squid and a giant squid is that colossal squids have these pretty much claws. And these claws are on this circular thing. And when you see them play with it, they're like this.

And they just turn around like a record. And they're like, these things can rotate 360 degrees. It's just like they're on these rotating things. Wait a minute. Pull that picture up again. Their suction cups have claws inside of them. Their suction cup has claws. This part right here,

it turns in 360 degrees. It can turn in 360 degrees. What? It's the craziest documentary. It's on Netflix right now. It's called The Colossal Squid, I believe. That's a terrifying animal. It's so scary. Those fucking teeth are nuts.

What's so funny is that I was really tired laying on the couch. I'm like, all right, I need a movie to put me to sleep because I have to wake up early. I'm just going to put on some nature movie about fish or squid. Look at this picture. Look at this. Look at these things. I know. Pull that picture up.

That one's insane. Oh, my God. They're like shark teeth. Yeah. You know what it's like? It's like a giant cat claw that's coming out of those tubes. Right. A giant one, though.

Well, I told you that the legend of the kraken, that's one of the things that they've discovered. Look at that fucking thing. Oh, my God. And it spins 360 degrees, too. Oh, my God. It's like on this weird plate. It's so weird.

That is so strange. So it just hooks in no matter where it goes. Yeah, and they showed animals that have been attacked by it, like sharks and stuff like that. And the shark's just all torn up from it because it just latches in and just rips. That's fucking insane. Yeah. The ocean is so scary. Yeah, so I put in this video to go to bed, too, because I thought, oh, squid, it's quiet.

It's not going to make any noise. It's going to be a quiet documentary. And then the whole time I'm just hearing all this shit like we are now taking the eyeball out and like oh It's the most fucked up video. I've ever seen one of the fucked up most fucked up videos nature videos Yeah, that that's a new thing. I thought they were like octopus ones. They were just suction cups I didn't know that they're they're really like claws. Yeah, not only if you chop one off don't they grow right back. I don't know I They're really like claws. Yeah.

Not only if you chop one off, don't they grow right back? I don't know. I know that's the case with alligators. With alligators, you chop their leg off and throw them back in the water. They just fucking heal up and start growing a new foot. Creepy cunts. It's kind of cool, though. It'd be nice if that happened with people.

Yeah. Chop your hand off and just grow your hand back. Chop your dick off and wait for a big one to grow back. Yeah. Keep on chewing it. Imagine if that's not worked. If every time you chopped your dick off, it grow your hand back. Chop your dick off and wait for a big one to grow back. Yeah. Keep on doing it. Imagine if that's not worked. If every time you chopped your dick off, it just grew back bigger. Yeah. Or it was like a chance that it would.

And you got all the way to like 10 inches and you're like not satisfied. Yeah, it's like a gamble. It's like a six-month wait. And then the next time it grew shorter. You're like, oh my god, I fucked up. I should have stuck with 10. After a while, you cut it off so much you develop scar tissue around your nutsack. Your dick just doesn't grow to full length.

If there was a time, if there comes a time where we really can engineer the size of various body parts, people are going to look so strange. I guarantee you it's going to happen. I mean, it's just a matter of time before someone has giant, like, those foam number one hands. That's what their hands are actually like, you know? Yeah. Genetically modified people. Sort of like how we have tomatoes that you can sit on a truck in the hot sun for a day and they don't go bad.

You know, you get to transport them for weeks, they don't go bad. It's like the duck lips. No, no, because that's fake they're shooting shit into their lips and it looks stupid this is you're going to be able to engineer big giant plump angelina jolie lips you're going to be able to just get those there's going to come a point in time where there will be no ugly people. There'll be no unattractive people because we will engineer what people look like. And it probably at first, it'll just be rich people, but then it's going to eventually get to a point where it's,

it's not going to matter. It's going to be cheap enough, like a cell phone where the majority of people have it. But then I think we're probably going to, I think evolutionarily, we're probably going to like start wanting to fuck ugly people. Like, you know what? I need a robust girl with a fucking thick waist and a face that can take a punch. We're going to not like this artificial, attractive, perfect symmetry. I bet our genetics will come to recognize

that this artificial symmetry is probably not good for the genome for competition, that it's like it's been hijacked, so it will veer towards ugly people or thick people. Are you like... A friend Tony's sister, hey! Hey! Exactly.

Ghost shark. Have you seen ghost shark? What's that? Ghost goblin. It's a goblin shark What is it I don't know It's pretty Check this out It's a movie

No this is Is this real Yeah Come on Oh a goblin shark Yeah Oh Yes

It's got like a mouth Inside of a mouth It's a creepy Fucking cunt That's what it is It looks like It's a skeleton Ugh Jesus Christ of a mouth. It's a creepy fucking cunt is what it is. It looks like it's a skeleton. Ugh.

Jesus Christ. Dude. The ocean is so gross. I mean, it's so fascinating, really, because you might as well be in outer space. Right. It's actually probably crazier than outer space. Oh, Jesus

Christ! Is that scary? What a fucking monster. It's kind of like there's a monster inside of the skin of a shark that's using the skin to just hide. It looks like a moray eel coming out of his mouth. I wonder if that was the inspiration for Alien. Yeah, it looks like it, right? Wow, look at that thing.

What's it biting? I think it's just the camera crew's equipment. They're just trying to get it to bite something. Oh, so they're sticking it in front of it? Yeah. Oh, God. Oh, it got stuck as it bit that pipe or whatever the fuck that is. You know what's really crazy about the ocean is they don't even know what's down there.

They kind of know, but there's so much room for discovering new species. You know, they discover new species on the land every day. Like there's always like and they actually found like really recently within the last decade, like a big animal in Vietnam that they didn't know existed. It was like some kind of an antelope or something like that. They just Vietnam was so dense and there was um i think it was like 10 years ago they discovered this fucking thing it might be even less than that but we've you know there's people that have been to almost every section of the world or at least once you know been near these parts of the world and although there's some cryptozoologists i believe there's a bunch

of species to be found it's probably a fairly limited number but the ocean man we've only discovered i think they said that they've um they've explored 10 of the ocean like so 90 of the ocean they don't know what the fuck's going on down there they have like they have maps of the depth and they know like how far down it goes and what the contour of the earth looks like down there and they know like the topography of the bottom but i don't think they know all the species no they find new species every year they find tons of underwater mostly underwater species you know there's of course a lot of insects like like uh there's like there's a darwin bark spider that they just found two years ago, which is crazy.

It looks like a cyclops-eyed spider almost. Is there a place that gives you – is there a website that has new species you can track them? That would be kind of cool. No, but usually if you put in top 10 species of 2012 or – Oh, there is. It's species.asu. Yeah, National Institute for Species Exploration. 10 species of 2012. Oh, there is. It's species.asu. Yeah, National Institute for Species Exploration.

It's Arizona State. And they have the top 10 new species of 2012. Wow. Interesting. Remember that squid? We played that before. That squid that they found near one of those oil rigs never seen before with crab legs creepy fucking monsters gigantic squid with crab legs crab legs and big cunty shark tooth dick like things that it just wraps around stuff and rips it apart fuck that noise yeah fuck that noise indeed man it's fascinating though

and where you know if we found that what's really interesting if we found that thing walking around on Mars people would be shitting their pants like look at this fucking thing it's got these claws it would be the subject of every science fiction movie that people went there and they brought back a

probe and apparently it had seeds of this squid thing. Like a venom head crab. Have you ever seen one of those? What is that? It's like a... What the fuck is that? Dude, that's like a fist.

I know. That is so creepy. And that's on land. Is that a spider? It's like a head crab. Dude, that looks like something from Half-Life. Is that Half-Life? You fucking cunt.

You're such a dickwad. Actually, I thought it was real, too. At first I thought it was real, but then actually, I don't know how I should play this anyways. Yeah, if you found a squid on the moon, you'd be shitting your pants. Or you'd say it's an alien and make a movie about it. Can you imagine, I mean, like, just an elephant on the moon? People would be like, what the fuck?

Like, if elephants didn't exist and they found an elephant on the moon, it'd be like the most studied thing ever. We would be going crazy. But, you know, it's on the ground. We're like, yeah, i've seen that not that interesting i went to the santa barbara zoo the other day oh lucky how was it oh santa barbara i still haven't been to that is there yet dude you got that let's go to santa barbara someday let's have a like a field trip day we should it's beautiful show at night there yeah it's so nice down there first of all santa barb Barbara is like the perfect weather.

People are less stressed out because there's no traffic. And they're like, it's a noticeably more chill town. A lot of people go to move there when they give up on the Hollywood dream. Like, yeah, if you're in this, here. But they have a zoo, a small zoo. You can get around it pretty quick. But they have fucking gorillas. And they have a um they call them a bachelor they have like bachelor groups that they hang out in and uh they had this

one gorilla and it was his birthday there so they're giving him some cake or something like that and you get up right close to that thing and you're like what a ridiculous creation by nature. This redonkulously muscular, giant little human thing. 5'4", 298, actually like 400 pounds I think it was. 398 pounds. Just a gigantically muscular

thing that eats broccoli. Just has giant fangs just to keep you the fuck away while it eats broccoli. And to fight for pussy. That's why it has giant fangs. to keep you the fuck away while he eats broccoli the end to fight for pussy that's why it has giant fangs and that's that's what it's for they don't kill anything you look at the mouth of a gorilla like a gorilla's like fangs like like let me google gorilla fangs gorilla you would swear that thing eats people. Yeah. Oh, my God. Look at that fucking picture. Yeah. Can you imagine?

That's an 800-pound primate. Those giant silverbacks, especially the ones in the wild. Not like those zoo bitches eating birthday cake. Bitch, you ain't got no birthday. There's no birthday in the Congo, you fuckhead. Birthday cake. Yeah. This is one of my favorite pictures ever.

These two gorillas leaping at each other in the middle of a fight. All right. Wowza. They didn't even know that gorillas existed until like the early 1900s. That's ridiculous. Yeah.

We think of gorilla is something that we always known about but let me see discover the mountain gorilla yeah what they think it used to be just like vikings or something it was just a i think it was just a uh it was a rumor i don't think it was a real animal i think people hadn't been to the area where it exists. And so they just didn't know, man. Yeah, okay, 1902, man. Yeah, that's crazy.

The discovery of the mountain gorilla was 1902. Now, we think about that. That doesn't even make sense to us. That's 100 years ago. It's 111 years ago. Is that just because maybe we didn't have really good telephones at the time so people in countries that had gorillas were like, dude, we're getting eaten alive by these big gorilla monsters. Listen to this.

Nearly 2,500 years ago, an expedition from the Phoenician merchant city of Catharge to western coast of Africa accidentally discovered a group of wild gorillas. Upon first encountering the gorillas,

African locals shared their name for the giant ape with them, the rough translation of which meant hairy person. So this is 2,500 years ago. These people wrote stories. These hairy people are real assholes. An expedition from Carthage wrote stories. Some ancient explorers have described gorillas as primitive hairy people. They've also been referred to as anthropoid or man-like apes.

Wow. This is nuts. This guy spoke of – another guy in the 16th century spoke of them. This guy spoke of – another guy in the 16th century spoke of them. So it seems like what happens is these people go and they see these things, but it's so rare that like a Westerner ever went there that no one really had an opportunity to study. Like 1902 is probably the first time like civilized folk got on a big metal boat and made it all the way the fuck down there. You know? Did they even have metal boats in 1902? They must have, right? Probably, right?

They probably figured that shit out. Those big giant metal boats that they have now? Like the Titanic style? They had that in 1902? Titanic, right? The Titanic was in the 20s, no? What year did the Titanic go down? How was Leonardo? I'm stuck. What year did the Titanic go down? How was Leonardo?

What year did the Titanic go down? 1912. Wow. 1912. Do you know how science fiction that must have been in 1912 to see this enormous building that floats on the water? I wish we had better video of the Heidelberg or whatever it's called. The Hindenburg. Hindenburg, yeah. That's not that big a deal, though.

That's just a Zeppelin. The visual of that. I mean, just the video that they had of that was so intense. Yeah, pull that up. All right. So cool. Pull that up, the Hindenburg disaster. Well, that's when they realized they couldn't do that anymore.

They thought they were going to be able to fly people all over the world. This is going to be wonderful, these giant gas balls. But they didn't realize it when those things go down. Holy shit, do they go down hard. They get hit by lightning and just burst into flame in the middle of the sky, and everybody dies. That was a strange time. Wow.

I told you that I have a reoccurring dream. I've had it several times. I know I talked about it once before. I had this weird calling and I wrote it down. I wrote down the story that happens in my dream. But in my dream, there was 1000 Nikola Tesla's. It wasn't just one guy. It was like 1000 guys. And the thing that I wrote was actually called like i wrote a piece called a thousand teslas and it was the 1940s it was the 1940s that i keep having this dream this night in the 1950s rather like they're in the era of those big cadillacs those big fucking things and the that was still going on but they were flying and that people were having like these flying cadillacs they were like that and there was dock ports all

over the city, these platforms where you would pull in with your giant flying Cadillac. And it was a really strange dream because New York City, it was probably New York City or wherever it was, that was, you know, some large city, Chicago, maybe. But whatever the city was in which it took place was very much like you would expect a city from the 1950s but much more advanced technologically like there was just some new shit that we don't have yet and there was a lot of blimps flying back and forth in the sky and there was a lot of air travel it's like people had kind of completely abandoned traveling uh with cars on the ground or you know gotten rid of most of it in my dream.

It's a really weird fucking dream. I've had it a couple times too. Do you know, does it take place in L.A. or is it like Hill City? I don't know. It all takes place in man-made creation, so it's impossible to say where it's taking place in this stupid dream of mine.

And were you walking out? No, I'm watching. I'm an observer. I'm an observer. And the dream is always like the concept is that there's a thousand teslas it wasn't just one super genius invention guy that figures out this is back to the future what is this yeah this is the flying cop car yeah it's not it's it's what it was like in my dream was like um it was what was that movie

the rocketeer what was that oh the rocketeer. What was that movie? Oh, The Rocketeer. Yeah. You remember that movie? How – Jennifer Connelly. Yeah. Oh, how hot is she? She was really hot.

Was. Don't say that. Her eyebrows took off. Don't say that. They did a good job of that movie of capturing that era, the Rocketeers era, but also having this crazy technology, which was like if you look at those science fiction magazines of the day, that was the one thing that they sort of that's how they did it. Like rockets and like like like new ideas and jetpacks and stuff. They all like looked like they belonged in that time.

They all they didn't have the sleekness of a Cadillac STS-V, you know? They had that weird sort of rounded, bulbous look of the 1950s era. Or Rocket Man was even earlier than that, right? Yeah. Look at that thing. What happened to make it crash? It just crashed? Or was there a fire that started?

That's a good question. I don't even remember. I think it caught on fire when it was in the air and then it crashed. Does it say? Let's see. They're called dirgibles. That sounds like something you do in your underwear.

Like your dick leaks. Like I got a dirigible in front of my underwear, dude. I can't. I got to come out naked because she sees my underwear. Especially if you have white underwear. You're taking chances. Who buys white underwear? Dudes who buy white underwear, stop it. Okay? The front of your dick, your piss flap, is always going to be leaking. You don't do that good job of wiping your ass. If you're walking

around with white underwear, you're a silly person. That said, really you should take better care of your ass. Right. That said, really you should take better care of your ass. You know, you should. Maybe if you just, if everybody had those Japanese toilets in every place we went to. I went to a video game thing the other day to this company. They're doing for my new show. They're putting me inside of a virtual reality situation. It's pretty badass.

But when I went there, they had one of those Japanese toilets that cleans your asshole. Oh. Blows fog on you. Somebody posted this one that they have in Chicago in the airports now where it has, like, saran wrap that every time you flush it, it flips around, like, this protective layer

that goes over the toilet seat with, like, a saran wrap type thing. So you always have, like, a fresh thing. That's nice. All right. Half a minute. Now, if they can only figure out how to do that on airplanes. Those are the stankiest, dankest fucking toilets you ever shit in.

Oh, there it goes. Look at it. Oh, my God. Look at it. Just in flame. Oh, my God. The people running. Listen to these people scream.

Oh, my God. look at that thing playing flames oh my god look at those people running out of the bottom of it oh my god oh you watch people burn to death on this thing i didn't know that yeah holy fuck man you can see people moving in the fire trying to get out There's a person right here Oh my god That is insane Beyond help Perish in the flame Dude

You know that's the first time I've ever seen that in full Yeah it's pretty There's a I think even a better version of that That might be the only one but Maybe I saw a fake one. Holy fuck. I swear there was a different one.

Watching people die, even people that died a long-ass time ago, when you know you're watching them die, that's not fun. It creeps me out. Yeah. Especially that way. Those people cooked. That was a weird ball of fire, too, man. That was enormous. That's like a building that's made of fire.

You know, I mean, it literally was that big. It like like a giant skyscraper made of fire yeah whoops we don't do it that way anymore hey you live you learn come on you gotta crack a crack a few eggs to make an omelet all right you fucks this thing's over we're gonna bring the sucker home uh brian and I started out three years ago fucking around at my house on a laptop. And now, three years later, it's become some strange thing that's probably pretty much out of our control now at this point.

It's kind of got a life of its own. And no one thought it was coming, and neither Brian nor I planned on it. I mean, I never would have thought we'd have a studio or never would have thought it'd be almost a million people downloading some of them. And sometimes more than a million. It's, it's real weird. And, uh, this show, uh, that we did this weekend at the state theater sort of highlighted that. And, uh, man, I'll tell you, I don't even know. I don't even believe it's real sometimes.

It's very strange. When Joey Diaz went on stage at the State Theater, I swear to God, I didn't even believe it was real. I wish I'm kicking myself that I didn't film it because he went on stage and that place fucking erupted. It was like Elvis came into the building or something. It was nuts, man. Joey Diaz in New Jersey. And, you know, everybody knows he's from North Bergen. They went insane.

It was like they were so happy to see him. It was, for real, it was one of the most incredible sets I've ever seen anybody have. It was beautiful to watch. Just watching him go out there, what the fuck is going on? Look, we just appreciate the fuck out of it. We never saw this coming. And everybody keeps saying the same thing.

Hey, don't stop doing this. Don't stop doing this. We're not going to stop. Don't worry. We're not stopping. And all the people that you say you know that that tell us change their life and that finally you have a positive influence and we appreciate the fuck out of that we never saw it coming but we appreciate the fuck out of it and we take

great responsibility for the whole thing i'm the male oprah okay that's how we're doing it but not i mean cash wise i mean trying to positive but not always positive sometimes i'm uh i get a little cunty oh you have a delicious puss hey settle down so um thank you everybody thanks for for everything and uh we're we're all part of this fucking weird thing and i know that sounds very pretentious to say but that is the case you know there's there's no getting around it at this point we can't really dance around it or call it anything other than what it is. It's a very happy

piece of circumstance. We enjoy it all, and we appreciate the fuck out of all you people that come out to these comedy shows. It means the world to us. If you want to go see Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redband, and the lovely Sam Tripoli, they will be in Sacramento this weekend, Friday and Saturday, at the Punchline in Sacramento.

And then the great Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco, one of the best comedy clubs on the planet Earth, as is the fucking Punchline. They're both pretty fucking jamming in Northern California, filled with some of the coolest people on Earth too. Northern California is where it's at, bitches. I have to go in and do radio. Remember that? Yeah, that's always a good time. Hey, thanks, folks. Thanks for everything.

Winnipeg is basically sold out, you fuck. So is Vancouver. So you snooze, you lose. And we will see you tomorrow with the great Ari Shafir. And also tomorrow with our pal Amy Schumer. She's one of the only other ones successful in a relationship with a comic. We'll tell you who that comic is tomorrow if you tune in. No, Anthony Jeselnik.

There you go. I let it out. I don't like fucking teasers. I don't like spoilers. I don't like cliffhangers. But I like you, you fucks. So thank you. Thanks to Ting.

Go to rogan.ting.com. Save yourself some money. Stamps.com. Code word J-R-E-N. And.ting.com save yourself some money stamps.com code word J-R-E-N on it.com code word rogan

there you are there you be here we are see you soon alright better wrap that up good Thank you.