The Joe Rogan Experience - #362 - Eddie Ifft

Episode Date: May 29, 2013

Eddie Ifft is an American stand-up comedian and also hosts his own podcast called Talkin' Shit with Eddie Ifft.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! Boom, Eddie Ift. Boom. Hello, hello, hello. That's what I'm saying, buddy. Boom. How are you guys? I'm fucking groovy.

How are you doing? Doing good. Every now and then, I need to see something online to let me feel like I'm okay. But, you know, you get a little self-critical. Yeah. And then you read about someone online. This might be one of the wackiest fucking things anybody's ever sent me. This dude is on National Geographic Taboo.

It's a fake paraplegic who he used to be a woman. He used to be a man, rather, and then became a woman, and then faked being a paraplegic. Wow. Yeah. Wow. What? Wow.

She had a secret, and the secret was that she's a fake paraplegic. She went around in a wheelchair pretending to have a spinal cord injury fooling everyone. You think you know weird people in your life, and then you read about these randoms that it's like, that's beyond anything the craziest, weirdest people I know comprehend. She's not a dummy. She's a fucking PhD. She's a chemist.

She lives in Salt Lake City and used to be a man. Right. Decided to become a woman and then decided to fake that she was paralyzed. Maybe she's doing an experiment. I don't think so. You can't put those two things in the same category, though.

You know, like... I don't know. She could have made herself a paraplegic if she wanted to. Maybe she was molested by a goldfish. What? Did you just say everything that comes

to your mind, man? Really? Why would molesting by a goldfish would make you pretend to be paralyzed? I was thinking, who would molest you to do something crazy like that? I always think it comes back to being molested for the most part. People act crazy.

Do you really? It does a lot of times. You hear that. But it's usually sexual. Yeah, yeah. When they've been molested, don't they usually act out in a sexual way? There's a lot of different things like borderline personality disorder. That comes from sexually abuse? That comes from sexually abuse a lot of times, yeah.

I had a friend who loved dating girls who had been abused because he said they were always the craziest in bed. I used to have a bit about it i said when you have sex with like a really really like a girl that's just so good in bed i go all i want to do i go i i want to enjoy it but i just want to say like which uncle do i have to thank for this because it no there is this like sometimes like the the craziest craziest best sex you have ever had you open with that bet no but i but i had sex with a chick who uh it was the craziest sex i ever had in my life and she was a squirter she was like it was insane and uh she was fucking me this one day and uh she goes fuck me harder fuck me harder and i went i'm fucking you as hard as i can and then she swatted me across the face like hard and I just went stop you gotta go

I'm like get out of my house like you just fucking cracked me and I was like and she just started risk taker that bitch is and she just started she started bawling and I go what why are you crying you just hit me I should be crying you hit me me so hard. She goes, oh. And we start talking. And the next thing you know, her grandfather molested her and all this stuff. And she became a prostitute. Oh, God. After you? After me. After me.

After slapping. You sent her to prostitution with your rejection. I've sent two girls to prostitution. Oh, my God. What's their number? What happened? I don't think I sent them. One chick, I just dated her for a while and then like years later we remained friends and she was hot, so hot.

Model, like smoking hot. And she calls me and she goes – like probably the hottest girl I ever dated. And she goes – I was in New York. Let's get together. Let's have a drink. Just friends because it was over. New York. Let's get together. Let's have a drink. Just friends because it was over. And having a drink and she said,

I said, I'm looking for a place in New York, like a room to rent just because I go back and forth from LA to New York. She goes, why don't you come live with me? And I'm like, I don't want to share a room with you. She doesn't know I got a two-bedroom. I go, where? She goes, 57th Street. I'm like, who lives on 57th Street? That's like serious

real estate. I go, wait, you're always getting kicked out of the country. You have no money. She goes, I got 90 grand in the bank. I go, where did you get 90 grand? She goes, this other model I know said, hey, you want to go to Miami for the weekend? She goes, we went down. We partied with these guys.

We did coke all night. And she goes, I fooled around with her. I fooled around with both dudes. I went home and there was 25 grand in my bank account. I'm like, 25 grand? I'll hook with her. I fooled around with both dudes. I went home, and there was $25,000 in my bank account. I'm like, $25,000? I'll hook for that. $25,000. Wow.

For a weekend. It must be nice to be like a billionaire baller dude who could just order up some $25,000 girls. $25,000. Wow. For a weekend they've had. This is Bali? Where was this at? Miami.

Miami. Oh, yeah. There's girls that go to that one country where every sex in the city was Dubai. Oh, Bahrain or Dubai. I know so many girls that have turned down the $25,000 offer from some king that just hits all the ladies,

like $25,000 a week in there. But I know so many people that have turned it down, but I also know a couple girls that have done it, and that's just fucking crazy. I think there's quite a few of those guys out there. Well, I've been to Dubai a number of times, and there's $50 ones there. $50 for a prostitute. Yeah, but what I'm saying is that these guys that get girls from America and have them shipped over there.

Oh, yeah, that's crazy shit. That kind of money, that's a weird reality when you have trillions of dollars. That kind of money, that's a weird reality when you have trillions of dollars. There's people who are like – I think as far as private wealth is concerned, like what we know and you see like the richest man in the world. Meh, not really because what you're getting is the richest man in the world who has assets that are measurable like in the stock market. When you're dealing with kings, you don't have any fucking idea how much those guys have. You don't know. Why should you know?

I got a buddy who is – They have a bank. I got a buddy who is a billionaire, a real live billionaire, and never knew he had money for years. He was just my friend's friend and never knew. We hung out in New York and everything, and then one day I was reading about his family in the newspaper, and I went, holy fuck. And I called him on the phone. I'm like, you have money. He's like the phone. I'm like, you have money. And he's like, yeah. I'm like, no, no, no.

You have like fucking money. His family does. Yeah. And I said, this is bullshit. We have never gotten to take advantage of this. I said, you have like crazy fuck you money. So years later he came into the money like where it was his. Ew, that's so creepy.

Just sitting around lazy, waiting for it to happen, waiting for someone to die off. Well, no, he worked hard, but someone did die. I don't want to give away who he possibly is. Okay. But in one year, he went from fucking Zenith to Nader. Like he – straight to rehab. In a year? In a year from when he took over the money to...

He would call me and be like, I'm in Vegas. I got the top floor of the Wynn rented. I got slip and slides down the hallway. There's strippers and hookers everywhere. And we got midgets in stormtrooper outfits serving us drinks. And he'd be like, I'll have a private jet picking you up. Get here now!

How much money did he inherit? About $5 billion. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Yeah. Oh my goodness. And he's not fun anymore. That's the best clip right there.

He's not fun anymore. That's a complete ball changer. God damn. He's not fun. $5 billion. It's the one guy that like- Why is he not fun? Because the rehab kind of –

It killed it. Yeah, it killed it. No, he only needed a year before he went into rehab? Yep. Wow, that's hilarious. And what was it for? Coke? He was smoking crack.

Oh. Like the mayor of Toronto. Have you seen that shit? No. Have you seen the mayor of Toronto? Got busted smoking crack? No. It's hilarious.

They have pictures of him smoking crack. Oh, dude. He took pictures of people while he was smoking crack. The mayor of Toronto apparently is a hoot. He's just a fucking wild man. And he's out there

like in the hood smoking crack. The mayor. The mayor. Well, that was Barry. Mayor Barry from D.C. was smoking crack. This guy feels like

if Mary and Barry can do it, why can't a white guy do it? I never... My old partner on my radio show in New York would smoke crack. Oh, Jesus. And I heard it when I joined the show. They were like, don't hang out with him.

Don't lend him money. Oh my god. And he was – they knew this and he was on the air with you? He was totally functioning. Oh, wow. And we would – he would party hard. Oh my god. He had a gambling problem.

He's still on the radio now. I don't want to say his name but – Artie Lang? No. But's still on the radio now. I don't want to say his name. Artie Lang? No. That sounds like Artie. I'm pretty sure it's well known, so I'm not saying anything. Well, say his fucking name. No.

Danny Bonaduce. No, but anyway. Who the fuck is it? The first day. Look at that. You see that picture of the mayor smoking crack? First day, we went to McDonald's to get lunch. First day on the air.

And he starts talking to me about comedy. And he's like, you make money doing comedy? I'm like, oh, yeah. And he's like, can you lend me some money? First day. Oh, my God. Can you lend me some money? So then one night, he never came to my shows or anything.

One night he came to a show at Stand Up New York. Comes to the show. And he's at my show. And I have to do like three shows there. After the first show, he's like all excited oh this is fucking great he goes let's go out let's go we're gonna go out and I'm like I should probably stick around here

he's like no come on we're gonna go party we'll come back who's that voice you're doing? I'm not telling you who he is but he left and I never saw him again that night and we heard a story he ended up like in the bus he was buying crack he was in a bus station but he's been fired from every radio station and – Fucking crack.

Crack. Who does crack? How did you get into that? Well, if you had money, why wouldn't you just go straight to the good shit? Why would you go to like the shitty drugs? I asked my friend and he said he just – it was such a bad thing for him. He couldn't say no to anything. So when you're around drugs, everything just starts coming around.

He would go, okay, I'll try that. I'll try that. I'll try that. Is this when you want sports guys? Is that what you're talking about? You're such a dick. You're a dick. You're a dick. You're the one that's telling me it's in the fuck. You were being very vague about it.

How dare you. How dare you. That's exactly who the fuck it is, you son of a bitch. We won't say the dude's name. That's what you're trying to avoid. Yeah. I just need to know for my own education. I weirdly haven't spoken to him since then. How weird?

It seems strange. No, I talked to him. Crackhead? I talked to him this week. Does he look like one, Joe? Like his picture? Look at his picture. I don't want to do that.

I talked to him on Friday or Saturday. Yeah? Yeah. Well, that's nice. First time in like 10 years. Yeah, working with people that are on drugs is very strange. You know, hanging with people that – I had a friend who had a serious fucking crack, coke, and heroin problem. And eventually died.

This is a good buddy of mine in New York. And he, you know, he would fucking vanish. He would go on benders and, you know, he would always want to get dropped off a crack house like it was it was really crazy and then he would clean up for a while and be great and then he'd go right back at it and did you ever work the kansas city club stanford oh fuck yeah those guys beetlejuice you know one of them one of them died oh you know things happen over here in kansas city i'm craig glazier i'm craig glazier uh i I got a Maserati. Things happening. I'm bagging this black chick. You got to see her.

I'm the king of Kansas City. She's pretty hot. Joe Rogan won't come back here. I don't know why. It's weird. I call him every week, and he just doesn't return my calls. I would like to come back to Kansas City, but I don't want to deal with it. Those dudes are great to have in your rearview mirror. They need to be known, though, by the world.

Well, they're characters, and I appreciate them. I really do. I appreciate all comedy club owners. I mean, I had a good time working for that guy. He didn't try to fuck me. No, no, no. He got along well. He pays you.

Pays you. I don't mean – yeah, I meant financially. I meant financially. I mean, I've had issues before. I mean, there's guys to this day that I'll never forget. And there's a couple of guys I still work for that tried to fuck me. And they didn't get away with fucking me. But I know the fact that they tried to.

And it's like, come on, man. Lies about how many tickets are sold and you find out. Or there's clubs that – there's a famous story of a guy on stage at a club. And he makes everybody in the club uh count off a number i'm like well first of all what a douchebag he is to use his stage time to find out how many people were in the crowd financially but the fucking it was 200 seats under what he thought it was like he looked out and he's like this is not 300 fucking seats man and the guy's like it's 300 seats what are you gonna tell me you know we got door deals your money

and he was wrong oh oh yeah the comedian was right by 200 the comedian was right the club tried to fuck him by 200 seats i heard i heard a comic uh at one the clubs, one of the clubs I was working, that a comic came through and that he would take so many comps. They would sell it out and he was on a guarantee and then they would take like 40 comps or whatever. And then his manager would be outside scalping the comps. Oh, my god. Was it Barry Gatz? No, but I love that story. That's hilarious. That sounds normal. That sounds like a guy trying toatz? No, but I love that story. That's hilarious.

That sounds normal. That sounds like a guy trying to hustle. Hey, you got to make money. What are you going to do? You know, maybe he's managing a guy that's not on TV yet. He needs some cash. No, this guy was a big name. Hey, maybe he's got bills.

You know, he's got a little overhead. He wants to make an extra. I mean, what are they? Let's say $40 a ticket. Hey, look, I got bills to pay. I got bills to pay. Do you guys ever count? I mean I've done that before where I will sit in the back and just try to count like I have a rough number at least.

Absolutely I do. You should do that. But you should know how many seats a club has legitimately if you get a deal. But if you don't have a deal, it doesn't matter. If you get paid X amount per week. I've had some shady shit just happen lately where I've – Well, you know what? Think about whether or not you want to say it or not. I know what you're saying.

And like I said, I appreciate comedy club owners because it's a fucking business that I don't want to be in. No, it's impossible. I don't want to be dealing with a bunch of guys like us. Could you imagine dealing with a bunch of us every week? That's who you're making your living off of? That's want to be in. No, it's impossible. I don't want to be dealing with a bunch of guys like us. Could you imagine dealing with a bunch of us every week? That's who you're making your living off of? That's got to be crazy. You've got to count on Joey Diaz to show up for a weekend or you don't pay your fucking bills.

You know? You've got to count on this guy to show up and not be crazy, that guy to show up and not do crack after the first show and then fuck off the last two shows. The club I just worked at, the club owner, great guy. It's a funny, have you ever heard of this club, Captain Brian's? No. Do you know about Captain Brian's? No. It's a seafood restaurant

in Florida. The guy brings in the big, big names and Drew Carey just did it recently. This guy knows how to market. He knows how to sell tickets. He's in this little island in Florida called Marco Island. He packs this seafood place island in Florida called Marco Island and he packs this seafood place and he sells everyone a dinner

and he's moving up near Naples to a 650 seat location that possibly if they move the chairs right they can put 1100 in. Oh my god. And he's awesome and he stands by the comics. I love this because there was a comic

who got in trouble recently like got in trouble down there and the cops were after him and he stands by the comics. I love this because there was a comic who got in trouble recently, like got in trouble down there, and the cops were after him, and he stood by him. And the other night I got in a bit of an altercation at his club, and I thought – he wasn't there, and I thought – I called him the next day to kind of say, look, it wasn't my fault. I just want to let you know. And they're all like, don't worry about it. He's got your back. Like he stands behind his comics. And I thought, you know, I'm getting – they're going to tell me never fucking come back here, blah, blah, blah. And he's one of those good guys. There's a lot of real – there's a lot of scumbag.

There's a lot of piece of shit. Tough business. I agree. The nightclub business is tough. First of all, think about who's your – the people that you're dealing with for the most part are drunk. You're basically a drug dealer. That's what you are. Not only that, they do their drugs in your establishment. And by the way, you could be sued if you give them too many drugs and they get in their car and go smash into someone and kill them. So you got a lot of stress. And then you got these drunk people that want to yell things out while the show's

going on. And then you have to get them kicked kicked out and then you find out your bartender's been stealing from you and then you found out you know this is going on and that's going and to have comics the worst people in the world in your place i think we're not the worst i think we're second i think behind who bands really yeah i think bands would be worse but i think bands get a little more of a a little more leeway than comics do i don don't know about that, man. They're expected to fuck up. They're expected

to be wild and crazy but I know a band which were Maine Stone Temple Pilots and they were hired for a birthday party of a friend of mine, Dana White.

And I was there while that Scott guy, the lead guy, was throwing a fucking temper tantrum in the back about the show has to start in X amount of minutes or they're fucking leaving and fuck this and fuck that.

Wasn't he the heroin addict? Yeah. They were paying him a shitload of money to be there. And it was really weird because the show starts and they go – I mean this is a private party. Fucking Stone Temple Party. Stone Temple Pilots is at a private party. So I don't know what insane amount of money they had to pay them to do that. But I assume it was big money.

So anyway, they come out and are fucking nailing it. But no one's paying attention. It's the weirdest thing ever. Because you've got Stone Temple Pilots and they're on stage and they're fucking killing it. That guy is a bad motherfucker. And when I watched it, I was like inspired to perform better on stage after watching him do a live show. But when I tell you there's ten people on the dance floor, I'm being kind. There's ten people on the dance floor and the Stone Temple motherfucking Pilots is on stage.

They didn't know what to do yet because everybody had been sitting down before we brought Stone Temple Pilots up. It was like a happy birthday Dana thing. A bunch of people gave speeches and I gave a speech and then I brought up Stone Temple Pilots. So then someone says, one of the executives, like, come on, everybody, get up, get up, get up. Like he felt bad that no one was on the dance floor. But it was a strange moment. Like first of all, people did not expect that Stone Temple Pilots was going to be there. It was a surprise.

So it kind of tripped Day Now. It tripped everybody out. They're like, what? And then boom, these guys go up on stage and people didn't know exactly what to do. Well, I've talked to guys in bands and for them, for us, corporates are fucking hell. Well, you feel like a whore. Well, they do too in bands and it's tough because when they play a concert, their fans come to see them. All of a sudden in that crowd, there might have been maybe a tenth of the people were their fans.

Well, they were so badass it didn't matter. But what did matter is at the end, he had to sing happy birthday to Dana. He had to sing happy birthday to Dana. He had to sing it. Happy birthday. You're singing happy birthday, and you're not just singing it. You're singing it to a man. And you have to sing happy birthday to a man, and that's part of the gig. Was it like a slow song, or was it like a rock out song?

Well, he had his dick in his hand. So, I mean, you can't sing that fast when you're jerking off. He just got kicked out, by the way. They kicked him. Stunt Temple Pilots kicked him. I met him in, you know, the bar right next to the Laugh Factory? I forget what it used to be called. Hyde or something.

I was in there one night, and this dude walks up to me and asks me for drugs. And I look at him, and I go, holy fuck, it's you! And I'm like, how cliche is this? Like, you just, and I was all excited about it. I'm like, how cliche is this? Like, you just... And I was all excited about it. I'm like, Scott Weiland just fucking asked me for drugs. And everyone in there was like, yeah, he asked us too. He asked everyone here.

Like, he just walked around going, you got drugs, you got drugs, you got drugs. I hung out with that dude from Friday last night. The big guy that looks like Ving Rhames, but one of his eyes is like silver and stuff like that. You know who I'm talking about? big big black dude oh debo oh yeah yeah yeah he uh he was there with his daughter like six year old seven year old daughter and his wife and he just came in to hang out for a bit came in where to the comedy store oh that's hilarious like at 1 a.m if you want to meet famous people go to the comedy clubs in la yeah that's hilarious. Like at 1am. If you want to meet famous people, go to the comedy clubs in LA. That's where they go. There's a lot of that. Bam was there also. Wasted.

The Scott Whalen guy, what drugs in specific? I don't want to say, but I think he asked for I'm not positive, but I think he asked for coke. Yeah. I think he asked for coke. That's what somebody would ask for. Yeah, because you're not going to ask for heroin. No one has heroin on them. Who asked for weed? You ever have a dude ask you for weed? All the time. Really? Yeah. A lot of people ask me for weed. Yeah, because you're not going to ask for heroin. No one has heroin on them. Who asks for weed? You ever have a dude ask you for weed?

All the time. Really? Yeah. A lot of people ask me for weed. Yeah, but you're hanging around with brokers at the comedy store. No, it's mostly tourists from Canada and stuff. Oh, that's even worse. And I've been accused, actually this week, twice I was accused of being on coke. Twice? Really? Yeah, I hung out, after my show I met

these doctors who went to the same university I went to and we started talking. And they came back the next night and they were talking to me and something came up about drugs. And they were like, oh, you really don't do cocaine? I said no. And they go, oh, we were sure you were on coke. Your pupils are really dilated. And these two doctors thought I was on coke.

So then the next night I got in this altercation with this dude. And he's like, you're on coke. You're on coke. And I'm like, no, I'm not. He's like, I'm getting the cups. And I'm like, I'm not on coke. That's hilarious. Yeah.

And I'm like, why does everyone think I'm on coke? And I said it last night. You're a little energetic. That's what I said to my friends. Yeah, they were like, you look like you're on coke. No, you don't. There's a big difference. People would just like to say shit like that if you have too much energy.

They want to calm you down and slow you down. It's sort of a subliminal way to get you to stop being so – if they're getting elevated and you're getting elevated, if they say you're on coke, you automatically try to suppress it. It's a weak checker's move. That's probably what was happening because this guy and I were kind of getting in a fight. He was like, I'm calling the cops. Why do you fight so much, man? How many fights do you get in? No, I never fight.

I never, ever fight. You just get really close? But no, this one almost happened Saturday night. About what? I walked – I was leaving the comedy club and I'm going to – I rented a scooter. I was on this little island. You just got to get your ass kicked. Oh, man, a fucking scooter.

It was so much fucking fun. I could not. Not bad, but I just don't trust those car things that are all around you. Yeah, but this island, nobody – there are people in golf carts. Oh, okay. So it's isolated. So I see the staff in this bar across the parking lot, this Irish pub, and I thought, I'll go in. They're all really nice.

They work well. I'll go buy them a round and say goodnight. Oh, what it's 1.30 and she's like, you know, last call or whatever. And I said I just want to get them a drink. And they said, I thought you stay open until 2. It's always open until 2. She started yelling at them and she was being really cunty to every single person and i'm i like to think i'm good with people so i went around the bar and called her to the side to be nice to her

and say hey i know you might be having a bad night that kind of thing i'm sorry blah blah i'm sorry if i ordered around it's late because really i wanted more limes in my drink that she gave me and i go uh is there any way I can get some more limes? And she was like, really? You want more fucking limes in your drink? And I was like, yeah. And then it just started to get more and more heated where she just was like berating me, like just, and it wasn't, it wasn't like this Daniel Tosh, like, ha ha ha, I'm joking kind of thing. It was, she was just being a cunt to me. And I went like this at the end, she goes, so do you want your limes now? And I go, no, I don't. I don't

want the limes. I don't want anything from you. I go, cause you're a horrible person. I go, and I don't say that to anyone. I go, you're a horrible person. And I walked over to the other, the staff and I go, she's the worst person I've ever met in my life. I go – Well, you got off light. If that's the worst person you ever met. Well, I was exaggerating. You spell horrible with a W? But I kept going. I said, this person – I said, I don't know what happened to her in her life, who physically or mentally abused her or whatever.

I said – I go, I've had murderers on my podcast that are nicer people than her. I go, I've had a couple people on my podcast that have murdered people. You shouldn't say that probably. And I said, no, no. They've gone to jail and served time and everything. Oh, OK. But I go, I – and I just kept talking to them but loudly that she could hear it. So she went in the back and started crying and like I broke her.

She – that was it and uh so i'm out in the parking lot and all of a sudden two guys that work in the back of the kitchen come running out at me and they come like running at me and i know there were cops in the parking lot i go where are the cops and i'm just like backing up like looking for the cops because i'm like i'm not gonna fight these guys and then uh no cops so i'm like oh fuck this is happening and i'm like, I'm not going to fight these guys. And then no cops. So I'm like, oh, fuck, this is happening. And I'm like, they're going to jump me. You know, this is like some town in Florida. I'm like, I don't know what to do.

So I do what I do best. I lied. What did you do? I go, you don't want to fuck with me. I look at the one guy. I go, you're old. I'll drop you in one punch. And I look at the other guy.

I go, I fight MMA, dude. I'm going to choke you out. I'm going to kick your teeth in. I go, go when you go out i'm kicking your fucking teeth in and you're gonna you're gonna wake up with no teeth and i'm gonna ride away on my scooter and that worked i didn't mention i was a scooter it diffused it so quickly because the guy realized that like he was like a big fat dude and the truth is one-on-one i could probably here what happened. The old dude and the fat dude want to fuck the cunt. Yeah, exactly.

That's what it is. Exactly. They came out to try to get some brownie points. They try to do some white night action, but then the dude goes to pull out of his pocket and I'm like, oh fuck, he's got a gun. And I'm like,

I should have just run. I should have just run when they came out. And he pulls out his cell phone. He goes, I'm calling the cops. And I'm like, good. You guys just,

we're going to jump me. I go get the cops. And I'm like, good. You guys just were going to jump me. I go, get the cops. And he goes, you're on coke. You're on coke. Because I was getting – I'm like, I'll fucking drop both of you. I'm like, I'll do it. And I mean – Well, that –

It's Florida. That sounds like a coke move. And you are in Florida. I mean to talk some shit and make up a story about you being an MMA fighter. What if the guy was like, who do you fight for? Oh, I was just – I was doing anything to save myself from fighting because I was like I do not want to fight these two guys because my thing is I never want to go to jail. I'm not – I'm claustrophobic. I don't want to get locked up.

Well, especially when the cops don't know the whole story. Exactly. You don't know if the guy is going to be a friend of the cops. You don't know what the fuck. Yeah, in a small town like that. Oh, yeah. And easily the't know if the guy is going to be a friend of the cops. You don't know what the fuck. Yeah, in a small town like that. Oh, yeah. I mean, easily the cops could beat the fuck out of you. And I had just heard that day about a comedian that was there a few weeks ago.

It's a very funny story. You going to name this guy or no? You motherfucker. You're full of half stories. All right. I'll tell it. I don't think he'll care even. It was Jeff Dye.

Oh, no. You know Jeff Dye? He's a good guy. And he's a funny guy. And he was on Last Comic Standing. He's got a show on MTV. But Jeff, they stole some – they were at like some bar after the show. And they stole a jersey, like framed jersey off the wall.

Oh, my god. Took it back to the condo. Had these chicks wearing it, taking pictures of it, everything. Putting it on Instagram. Putting it on Instagram. Putting it on everywhere. Oh, my God. Then the bar called the cops.

Cops got involved. They bring it back. They apologize and everything. So show's Sunday night. They go back to the bar after the show. They take it again. What? Fly with it to L.A.

What? Put it back on Instagram. And then all this shit happened again and they had to send it back. Oh my God. But that happened two weeks ago. So in my head, I'm like, these cops aren't going to,

they're not going to like a comedian in the parking lot. Oh yeah. It looks like he's starting to fight. Yeah. That's a good move. Jeff Dye was the one that attacked Tony Hinchcliffe once on Twitter, calling him out. He attacked him about what?

His comedy. Really? Yeah. What about his comedy? It was so long ago, but we did a podcast all about it. You didn't like it? It was something like Tony. If you know Tony's comedy, it's very sarcastic, very dry, very like almost like Jeffrey Ross, The Burn,

because that's what he does for a living. He writes for it. And he said something like he was having a weird set, and then Tony said something like, I know I'm a great comedian, so fuck you, or something like that, sarcastic. And Jeff started tweeting things like, Tony, your ego this, or something like that.

I can't remember, but it was in a podcast. We did Ice House Chronicles the day it happened. You know, when situations like that happen, when a guy just decides to go after another comedian. Right. It's kind of weird. Why would you do that? It's a douchebag detecting device.

That's what it is. It's like when a guy flares up like that, like, oh, you've been trying to hold that douchebag down, haven't you? But look, it just flared. You saw a guy say something and you decided it was time to cunt it out. I'm amazed when guys do it because I've always been under the impression that if I don't like you, I'll say I don't like you. Well, that's a thing too. You're like a guy's bombing and he says, I know I'm a great comedian, so fuck you guys.

That's kind of a funny thing to say and you just decide to go and attack him. Why are you doing it? You're doing it because you're insecure. That's the only reason why anybody does that. I always thought there was kind of a code of ethics among comics. To not go after each other like that? Yeah. Well, especially when you're fucking around. You know, I've heard people talk shit about guys that went on stage and were trying out new material.

Like, oh, this new material fucking sucked. It was terrible. Like, how about you don't even write any new material, all right right you're making fun of a guy who's up there and you know maybe it didn't go well you know maybe he tried some shit out and it didn't go well but what the fuck man you know for you for you to you pretending you don't know what that's like what does it say here's what he said and the winner for the most disgusting display of arrogance is tony henchcliffe false sense of fame oh what's wrong and tony says Tony says, oh, what's wrong, pouty pants? And then he wrote back,

Tony, you told the crowd I taped TV today, so if this goes bad, fuck you. That's funny. That's the same. It's a joke. Yeah, exactly. That sounds exactly like how Tony Hinchcliffe does his whole act.

Sounds like there was more, though, behind that. It's a jealous bitch. No, there wasn't. I asked Tony. He's like, I don't even... Really? Well, Tony's gotten notoriety right now. He's working for the Burns, doing well. That was one thing that I've

always noticed. Whenever a comic would break away from the pack, you would always see a flood of guys talking shit about him. Especially in the early days. Like, the first guys to get sitcoms, and the first guys to get... I remember having conversations with people people and I'm like, why do you care? Like how does it affect you if this guy is not funny but he's doing really well?

Somebody obviously likes him. Yeah, I've always – whenever I feel anger towards a comedian, I always try to look at myself and say, am I angry at them or am I angry at myself because I'm not doing what they're doing? Am I angry because I don't have the sitcom? Am I angry because I'm not doing that they're doing am i angry because i don't have the sitcom am i angry because because i'm not for sure there's that and you know what for sure people have different tastes too and if i don't like something it doesn't mean it's not good like i was in a car the other day and some guy tried to play some band for me you know and he's playing it loud i'm like oh my god'm going to open this door and jump. I'm like, this is terrible. This music is terrible.

And he's like, they're a cool new indie band from Seattle. I'm like, they need to stop. They need to stop right now. I'm like, this is nails on a chalkboard. But to him, this was like some cool shit that he wanted to play me. And look, Eddie Bravo doesn't like Leonard Skinner. I try to play some Leonard Skinner. Eddie Bravo doesn't want't like Leonard Skinner. I try to play some Leonard Skinner. Eddie Bravo doesn't want to hear Leonard Skinner. I can play it for Ari Shaffir, who's got the shittiest – he likes Lana Del Rey, and he only listens to it when he's naked.

But his sense of music – I'm not into his type of music, but I can play him some Leonard Skinner. At least he can understand it. Eddie Bravo is like my best friend. He doesn't even like Leonard Skinner. But I think people are more understandable – understanding about that with music. They're not with comedy where they go, he's bad. People always say to me, is he funny? And I go, it's not my thing.

But I'm not going to say if he's not funny or not. That's like when he's not musical. It's like one of the things that comes up when you're developing an act and developing an audience. It's like when you first go on stage, like the first years, like the first 10 plus years of your comedy career, most likely the people have no idea who the fuck you are. And so you, although you might have your own shit that you would like to talk about,

you got to like get into their head first with some fairly neutral or homages or confidence building stuff so that then you can take them into deeper waters once they already like you so it will take like a lot longer to like get to it you know so that's like there's a benefit like as a comic to that and that benefit is that you're learning how to craft material and you're learning how to pull people in you're learning how to like how to not lose them with controversial stuff in the beginning that would work if you did it 15, 20 minutes in instead of your first bit.

And I think that a lot of times when you're seeing new and upcoming comedians, there's a lot of frustration going on. There's a lot of rejection and there's a lot of – everybody's trying to put it together and get something to happen. So there's all this fucking tension. Yeah. So when a guy like Tony Hinchcliffe is doing good, fucking arrogant, you fucking bullshitter. How long has Tony been around? Not that long. No.

Not that long. Seven years. Yeah. He's fucking good, man. I'll tell you. I took that kid to Indianapolis. He was really funny. Yeah.

He made me laugh. I've never seen him live. He destroyed in La Jolla this week. He's ad-libbing a bunch of shit about the situation. I've only seen him on the Ice House Chronicles. I did him – or I did – when we sat there and he was doing a lot of – he did impressions. Oh, he does a lot of Brody impressions. No, but they were like dead on.

He's good. Like dead on. He's a funny kid. I always like comics that can do impressions of other comics that no one – not like – This other guy, he's good like dead on he's a funny kid i always like comics that can do impressions of other comics that no one like not like this other guy you know he's just frustrated that's what it is it's just that's it's a part of and you know what the feel the sting of being recognized for being a kind of a cunty bitch you know when something like that that's good for your personality you need to know that that type of behavior is loathsome and then when people read

shit like that they they lash back at you because they know exactly what you're really doing I had it when I when I first started comedy and I was in New York I got a lot of shit too early like way too early like a lot of shit I know like like festivals and TV shows you cute little fella but I didn't deserve it and everyone let me know it you know all the comments let let me know it. There's no deserve it. You know, you get a shot, a lottery ticket pops up, you grab it. There's no deserve it. Because what is the shot for?

Is the shot for you doing a sitcom? Because if it is, guess what? Anybody can do that. It could be a comic that sucks. His comic could be terrible. But if you write good lines for him in a sitcom, you could do it. I was funnier on news radio than I was in my real act. When I first started doing news radio in 94, I wasn't that good of a comedian.

I don't know. I don't know. I saw you. I always say this. I saw you I think before I started doing stand-up. I saw you, Sarah Silverman, and I forget who it was, on Caroline's Comedy Hour. And it changed comedy for me because you guys were dirty and i never saw dirty on tv it was one of the first things like you could be

dirty and i couldn't believe the shit sarah was saying i couldn't believe what you were saying and i was like oh i think i want to do this now like the fact that this is this is what i talk about let me phrase that i had probably like 20 good minutes of fuck jokes but it wasn't a real comic you know what i'm saying like i could headline i could headline but realistically did i really have an hour not really i had you know i had an hour but 40 minutes of it probably sucked yeah i had no and i had to i headlined way before i should have absolutely we all did i mean i mean I was capable of doing an hour, an hour like a year in. But was it a good hour?

No, it was dog shit. It was terrible. My third gig ever, a guy took me to Dan Rosenberg. I still see him around sometimes. Dan Rosenberg. I was living in Pittsburgh. He goes, hey, you want to open for me? And I said, yeah.

I was doing like open mic spots at the Funny Bone in Pittsburgh. He goes, all right. We're going to Oil City. We're playing this VFW. And I was like, all right. We get there. And he goes, so you're going to do 30, 35. And I'll do 45 to an hour.

And I went, how long? And he goes, 30 minutes. You got 30 minutes? I went, I got five. Oh, my god. You got 30 minutes? I went, I got five. Oh, my God. Oh, that's horrible. To a person who doesn't understand how terrifying that is, that's a terrible, terrible feeling. I wrote jokes right there.

I was writing them. So my point is when someone was giving you shit, if they were giving you shit saying that you shouldn't have got that so soon, stop it. That doesn't mean – nobody should have if you if it's a sitcom that's what you're worried about and also you gotta know i came up through the comedy cellar in new york right with all the guys from tough crowd and that sense of humor of just shitting on each other that's great and they fucking tear patrice o'neill used to uh i would see patrice i would walk in the club if i saw patrice i would go back out and go downstairs and come in the other way. Because you didn't want him fucking with you?

Oh, he would just fucking kill me. I love that guy. He was hilarious. But it's like when he fucks with you, it's like an honor. It's fun. It's like people who are not comics would probably never understand that way of interacting with each other. Well, I walked in. We used to do the roasts in New York City.

That's like kind of where – I mean they'd always done roasts. But the kind of reinvention of the roast happened through all those guys, Geraldo and all those guys in New York. And the first one I went to, I think it might have been for Barry Katz or for – I forget who it was for. But I walk in and Rich Voss is hosting it. And I walk in and i sit down i'm all excited i'm at the roast and he opens and he goes i'd like to thank all the comedians and eddie ift

for being here tonight and i just fucking melted and i was just shitting myself and then they hit me like four more times during the roast and uh rich voss would go yeah uh apparently eddie ift just got another development deal or his parents just would go yeah uh apparently eddie if just got another development deal or his parents just gave him some more money eddie was just killing me and then bill burke they all fucking smashed me and i remember like i was gonna cry it hurt so bad i was demoralized and i'm walking out and tony woods grabbed me do you know tony woods yeah sure tony goes dog what are you doing? Why are you upset? And I go, they just smashed me.

And he goes, dude, they're talking about you. Where did you start doing comedy? I started in Pittsburgh. I was there for about nine months and decided, you know, I don't want to be in Pittsburgh. So why were you having a hard time with the way comics roll in New York? Because I went to New York and- You didn't know anybody like that? I didn't know one.

No, not really. Pittsburgh wasn't like that. And I went to New York and they You didn't know anybody like that? I didn't know one – no, not really. Pittsburgh wasn't like that and I went to New York and they just beat me. It's Boston. It's Boston too. Boston was ruthless. Patrice and Bill Burr, both of them from Boston. That's – those are fucking drunk fishermen. But like I have that now and I develop that from them and I do it to people and I forget how sensitive people are.

I mean I just had a guy quit my podcast because I was always fucking with him. What, like a guy you worked with? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I fuck with everyone and I don't realize how sensitive people are. Comics like it. I love it now. Me and Joey Diaz will start fucking with each other sometimes, insulting each other, fake insulting each other. It's so fun.

Like, what are you doing, cocksucker? You got a fucking Taibo class to go to? Sit the fuck down. He'll say shit to you. And when he insults you, it's funny. What do you got, a fucking kale shake up your ass? You out of here walking around like a fucking Momo. Sit down.

I live for it. When I see Rich Voss, I just love to go head to head with Voss. It's fun. It's fun. I enjoy it. It's fun. You know, I remember I was listening to go head-to-head with boss. It's fun. It's fun. I enjoy it. It's fun. I remember I was listening to Opie and Anthony, and they were talking about Louis C.K. and Bobby Kelly or Jim Norton. We're talking about how comics interact with each other, and no one could ever understand it.

Jim Norton had a slice of pizza, and Louis C.K. just slapped the pizza out of his hand. It said something like, your mother's a cunt, and just walked away. And Norton just couldn't help but laugh, and he couldn't help but laugh. out of his hand it says something like your mother's a cunt and just walked away and norton just couldn't help but laugh and he had he couldn't help but laugh we just we used to do a thing at the cellar where if you were if you were looking at anything on paper like usually the the lineup sheet is on the table if you were looking at it one of the other comics would grab it out of your hand and crumple it up and throw it on the ground and And so one night, Tony Rock is reading a newspaper article and it's a review of his show or something about him.

And Steve Byrne walks in, grabs it, crumples it up and throws it on the ground. And Tony just punches him right in the face. Oh, my God. Where was this? At the Laugh Academy? At the Cellar in New York. Oh, the Cellar. I mean, there was so much shit like that.

He punched him in the face? Like, for real? Yeah, like, really hit him. They got into a fight? No, I mean, they didn't fight I mean, there was so much shit like that. He punched him in the face, like for real? Yeah, like really hit him. They got into a fight. No, I mean, they didn't fight after that. Tony was mad. I talked to Tony. He's like, it's the first time I was ever written up in the paper.

And, you know, Tony was a brand new comic. He fucking crumpled it up. And I'm like, well, you know. But there's a thing at the Comedy Cellar table that says comics only. Like there's a table just for the comedians. And it was just every night they would do it to somebody. That's a great idea. You'd be sitting there and they'd grab it and they'd just put it in front of you.

A comics only table is a beautiful idea. It is. It's amazing. Is there other ways? People can get to you though? People do come around, but that's what they do. They'll put the little thing in front of them saying comics only, like go away. Right.

And so they do it to comics sometimes like a comic will sit down and they go um people have to understand like that sounds rude but that's the environment required to do good comedy yeah like you have to also be aware that if you do some cheesy stupid shit they're gonna call you on it so you gotta feel that you gotta feel that from those people in the room and that that added pressure, it makes you develop. I was on stage there one night. And you have to, to get to the bathroom, you have to walk past the stage. You're literally one table back. The row runs parallel to the stage. And I'm doing my act and Jim Norton walks by me, looks at me, and he's as far as you to me right now. And he goes, ugh. He goes to the bathroom.

Comes back from the bathroom. He goes, looks at me again and goes, double ugh. It just goes upstairs. It's only fun for comedians, man. Regular people, if you did that at work, you'd get sued. You'd get sued. You would lose your gig. Maybe people fucking can't crack

jokes at work. There's people that are annoying about that shit but there's a lot of funny that gets cut out of the workplace. Do you remember the water balloons at the comedy store, Joe? Let's not talk about that as if it actually happened.

But wouldn't it be cool if somebody might have done that? If somebody might have launched water balloons with a catapult off the comedy store and flew them towards the Sky Bar where there was a bunch of assholes waiting in line to get in. It might have happened. I can't think of anything funnier. Launched like 35 miles an hour. I mean they hit them like cars. I've used those things. Yeah.

These people got hit in the head, and their heads would snap back. And these are like Paris Hiltons and stuff. I have a new respect for everyone at the comedy store that was involved in that. I was fortunately on the ground level. So I heard screaming. That's how I found out what was going on. I heard screaming across the street, and then I see this dude get hit in the fucking head like the Zapruder film. I mean, his head snaps back. So, I mean, it's a fucking quart of water hit this dude in the face.

It was really kind of fucked up because they had this contraption. This allegedly happened, by the way. Allegedly. I don't even remember who was on the roof. It was some employees, though. Allegedly. Who could get in trouble now? Allegedly allegedly i don't even remember who was on the roof it was some employees though allegedly who could get in trouble now allegedly i don't remember who it was so and you know eyewitness accounts are some of the worst pieces of evidence you're ever going to come across so the reality is i honestly honestly do not remember exactly who did it it was some employee but you could like put in my mind it was this guy and i'd be

like okay we had a secret show where all the people involved talked about it i bet there's a lot of people now pretending to be involved yeah because the cops came to the store and they were looking for the people but nobody could figure out what happened i don't think they even looked on the roof did they ever look on the roof no allegedly not really happened that's genius though oh it was it was ruthless but it was stand-up comedians you know drunk and high, going, should we? Yeah, fuck it. That's awesome. But we didn't know about it literally until it happened.

You know that front area of the comedy store? Just shows you how childish comics are, our sense of humor is so – like we used to throw crab apples at cars as kids. That was our – we would take these apples and you would just hit cars as hard as you could as they're driving down the road. That's some East Coast shit. Or snowballs. Snowballs in the middle of could as they're driving down the road. That's some East Coast shit. Or snowballs. Snowballs. In the middle of winter with snow all over the road.

How about snowballs with rocks inside of them? That was a big one. A lot of kids did that. You drive by and you hear your car go, bang. You're like, you motherfucker. Hit the brakes and then they scatter in three different directions. We used to set up our escape routes. We had this one. We'd be we had this one we'd be behind

these trees we'd be behind these trees we'd throw the crab apples and we'd kind of try to once they stopped we'd kind of show ourselves because we had such an amazing escape route we wanted them to come after oh my god we'd run through this guy's backyard and he had a creek through his backyard like i kind of lived near the woods and he had a pipe. The creek went in a pipe that went under the road. So there was a fence around his yard and it was like a, if you open the fence, it closed itself. So we had a stick that would keep the fence open the door.

The last guy would kick the stick out. So the gate would close. If they were chasing you, we'd run down into the creek through the pipe and come up on the other side of the road and just watch him looking for us. Oh, that's awesome. And we lived for this. What if you fell and cracked your ankle

and that guy came there and just fucked your face? Knocked all your teeth out and pulled his fat Quaker Oats box cock out of his pants and just fucked your face. And your friends, they're a bunch of pussies.

They're not going to help you. This guy's got a giant hard-on. He's just been waiting for some kid to throw a piece of fruit at his car so he could find an excuse to punch his teeth out and fuck his face. He's just got you pinned up against the opening of that tube, that cement tube. I'm writing this as a movie. Just fucking your mouth. And you don't know whether you should rub his balls to make it go quicker. This is the start of a movie right here.

Should I finger his ass and maybe this guy will come or just – No, but I did have a cousin. Should I fight it? Would that make him come quicker? I had a cousin who said – he was the older cousin. Ted. Ted Smith said to me, if you get caught, you're on your own. That was the deal.

You're on your own. Ted gets caught. Who are you with? Eddie Ift. I saw some kid beat the fuck out of some other guy who threw a snowball at his car. Really? Some guy threw snowballs at this guy's car. It hit the car.

Boom, boom. You see the guy lock up, hit the brakes. His car shuts. Click. He throws it in the park, and he's just sprinting from the moment he gets out of the car he he was there was no hesitation this guy had a fucking plan and the kid hesitated for a second was like oh shit like it was the guy came out way too quick he just didn't you know you gotta if a guy starts running at you you gotta know when to run and this guy was he was a

motherfucker he was a tough guy obviously yeah he was an athlete too he moved really quick took this guy down and just smashed his fucking face in people were screaming stop hitting him stop hitting him he beat the fuck out of this guy i i don't like i've never had it happen to me where i got hit by anything driving now i don't know if kids still do it fuck yeah they do it are you crazy if you leave kids outside and there's snow they're throwing it at cars that's a fact there's snow, they're throwing it at cars. That's a fact. There's no getting away from that. But if you throw a rock inside a snowball and you hit someone's car, you kind of deserve to get your ass kicked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never did that. You shouldn't get killed, you know. But, I mean, someone maybe should scare the fuck out of you and smack you in the face a few times. A rock's pretty bad, yeah. Because a lot of kids do that, man. A lot of kids. You're throwing crab apples, you fuck. Crab apples will dent the shit out of a car.

There was this crazy fucking group of kids in our neighborhood that used to fucked up of kids. You're throwing crab apples, you fuck. Crab apples will dent the shit out of a car. There was this crazy fucking group of kids in our neighborhood that used to – fucked up crazy kids. And they used to tie a dummy to like a rope up in a tree and swing it across the road in front of cars. Oh, my god. Yeah. Oh, my god. That's how people die. Yeah. These guys were fucking crazy.

That's how people die. Yeah, these guys were fucking crazy. When I was in high school, there was this one dude, and he was, I think he went to the rival high school, and he was a little older. So say if I was like 15, he was like maybe 18 or 19 or something like that. And his parents had a lot of money. And folks who grew up in Newton will know this story. Newton, Massachusetts in the 1980s. I guess I was probably a freshman in high school, so it was like 1981. Well, this guy had a Trans Am, like a fucking Burt Reynolds-style Trans Am.

With the eagle on the hood? And he ran over a dude. And the guy got trapped under his car, and he drove with the body under his car for miles. He just killed the guy by driving with this guy under his car. Yeah. Is he in prison still? Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know if he's still in prison. I know he went to jail. I mean, I know it was a big case. It was all over the – it was in the front page of the Globe. Yeah. It was a big story. My high school has been on – This guy.

My high school has been on the cover of USA Today like three times in my life. One, it was with our quarterback from our football team sprained his ankle at a pep rally. And they made a joke about it like a little blurb that he at the pep rally, he couldn't.

That's not as good as my story. No, but listen to this one. OK, there was a guy, two, two guys. And I'm really I'm pulling out of the one right now. I'll tell the one the other one. I will tell you off air and I'll tell you why because … You are a motherfucker.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. Tell stories. I kind of told it on my podcast a little bit and had to pull out of it and edit it because he will – he'll find us all and he's an evil genius, the one dude. But the other dude, his name was Bob Corby and Bob Corby was the guy.

He was like a seventh-year senior in high school. And when he would come to school, you would hear about it. Everyone's like, Corby's here. He was the biggest badass back then. What do you mean by seventh-year senior? You mean he never graduated? He never graduated because he'd come to school. So he was a dickhead. He'd come to school once a month, but he was the toughest motherfucker ever.

He'd come to school once a month, but he was the toughest motherfucker ever. And one time I saw him come down the hall, and there was like this gang of kids that were the tough kids. And he came down, and I was just cutting class. And he grabbed one of them and was just banging his head in the locker. How old was he at the time? He was probably like 19 or something in high school. What a douchebag. But the kid he was beating up was probably the same thing. Like these were the degenerates that just never – they never – so he's just abusing this kid. What a douchebag. of what was going on in the hallway. Right. That I just went into a random classroom. Well, this dude, cops used to – it was a known thing that the cops said when you got

to go pick up Bob Corby, you got to bring a lot of cops because he's that badass. Well, a couple of years ago, I see on the front page of the newspaper I'm sitting on a plane, FBI agents come to his house because he's dealing drugs and his wife blows away an FBI agent with a shotgun. And what happened was cops came in. Because he's dealing drugs and his wife blows away an FBI agent with a shotgun. Whoa. And what happened was cops came in. He took the drugs, flushed them down the toilet, ran out the back door. FBI agent says to his wife, we're coming upstairs.

She goes, don't come up here. She's got her baby. She's got a shotgun. She goes, don't come up here. And the FBI agent goes, we're coming up, FBI. And he comes around the corner and she just goes – and kills him. Now, the argument was going to be – like she ended up getting prison. Bob Corby didn't, so I'm probably dead when I go back to Pittsburgh for telling this.

But she – the argument was when drug dealers raid, like – Why are you telling this story if you're going to be in trouble? Are you out of your fucking mind and you're telling it on this podcast? No, I mean it was all over the newspaper. I mean it's a known story. So you're still saying you shouldn't be telling it? No, no. I'm joking. But she shotgunned a cop.

She shotgunned a cop, but the argument is – and if you know from Craig Glazier from Sanford and Sons when he used to raid drug dealers, that was how he made his money. He would tell drug dealers that he was a cop and then take all the money. Yeah, that is true. You never know if it's really the FBI. Right, so that was her defense is that these could have been drug dealers coming to steal money. She's protecting her child. Yep. She's right in a lot of ways.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. But why were they looking for him? Because he was selling drugs. Yeah. So she must have probably known that, right? I mean, yeah.

She probably, yeah. She probably thought someone. He had a lot of priors. That is a good excuse, though, that you could have thought another drug dealer was stealing your money. And, you know, a woman with a child is a very fucking primal thing. You know, they'll defend their territory if they have a gun and some guy who may or may not be an FBI agent is coming up the stairs. And how long did she go to jail for that? I don't know.

I think she's still in. Well, this guy who was the rival guy from the rival high school was like the cool guy because his parents were like really wealthy. So he had a car that was like we were all envious of. Like if we had a nice car back then, it was an old shitty car. He had like a nice new car. It was mind-boggling to us. This guy had a 1980 Trans Am or whatever the fuck it was. And he drove over somebody.

He dragged this guy for I think it was something like seven miles. And there was a meaty streak for seven miles. I mean the guy was stuck under his – it's a car. It's a low car because it's a Trans Am. And the guy got stuck under it and dragged for like seven miles. I dragged a hooker once for about – I'd say like five feet. In a car? In a car.

Was she hanging on or was – She tried to put her arm in my window to unlock my door. Like I put down the window a little bit. It was like a crack whore. Oh, my god. I was coming home from a gig and I will admit I had had a little bit to drink and I was eating when talking shit. I had a bag of Wendy's on my. No, it wasn't. I have a bag of Wendy's on my lap. I'm eating and it's like three in the morning. And this hooker flags me down. And I thought like it was an emergency type thing, the way she was like wavy.

So I said, what's going on? And she goes, it's so cold. It's so cold. And I went, and I only put the window down just a crack to find out what was going on. She goes, it's so cold. It's so cold. And I go, huh? And I'm like, all right, this is weird.

She goes, let me in your car. Let me in your car. And I'm like, I'm not letting this chick in my car. And she goes, come on, I'll give you a blow job. And I was like, huh? And she goes, I'll do it cheap. And job and i was like huh and she goes i'll do it cheap and then it like all occurs to me i'm like oh hooker and by the time i'm about to like put up the window and go she's putting her arm in trying to unlock the door and so i just hit the

gas to like get away from her and this is all a split second so my reaction is, fuck, this chick's getting in my car, and I drive, and I just see her just get dragged and then thump, thump. And then in my head I thought I was that dude. I thought I drove over her. I'm like, I just fucking – and there I am in the middle of the ghetto in Pittsburgh and taking a shortcut through. No one is going to believe me. They're all going to be like, oh, he just likes to kill hookers. My question, did you finish your sandwich? Yeah.

You know what? I think I did because what happened was I stopped. Did you see her stand up? No, no. I stopped. I look in the rearview mirror. She's fucking on the ground, and I'm like, fuck, I killed her. How cold?

And I had to make this decision where I'm like, do I fucking leave or not? And I think we talked about this on the Ice House Con. Yeah, Ice House Con. I fucking – What'd you do? I sat sat there and she stood up and finally good and dusted herself off and gave me the finger. And then I gave her the finger and I drove away. Wow.

You gave her the finger after you almost killed her. Yeah. Aren't you happy that she was alive? I was so, I was like, that's the end of my life. Where's your compassion though? No one would have left. I was just, you got off light, man. You could have been a murderer.

You weren't. You should have been like, that wouldn't have been. I mean, I would have gone to jail for murder, but I don't know about that, but I did. I do not think you would have.

Yeah. It kind of attacked you in some way. No one's going to believe that. Oh, they would believe you. If you told the story exactly the way you did it, you know, you had a Wendy's bag in your,

or a Jack in the box, whatever the fuck it was. Was it Wendy's? Yeah. Wendy's in your lap. I mean it all makes sense. Yeah. You didn't know this is the spot where hookers are.

Were you from that town? Yeah. Yeah, but it was like I – you don't have – I drove through that area and it was a shortcut. But most people would be like, where are you coming from? Where are you going? It wouldn't have been like – why would you go that way there was a lot of car shit that went down when i was a kid that i remember that was like a real lesson like there was a kid that i knew from my town that uh killed his best friend in a drunk driving accident by the time we were like seniors

he drove drunk and smashed into a tree and killed his friend and And there was that guy who drove over the guy. There was quite a few of those little situations where someone died. Yeah, when people die young, that's it. It's cars. It's drugs. Motorcycles. Another one, a guy that we went to high school with was changing his tire. He was changing his tire on the side of the road and someone smashed in his car and killed

him. Someone just wasn't paying attention. So those were like three giant lessons that I was very fortunate that I didn't have to get on my own. Like don't drive drunk. Don't stand on the side of the road changing a tire. And you've got to be careful. I'm not proud of it, but I used to drive drunk a lot as a kid. And I was bad.

I was really bad. And I don't ever do it now. I never fucking do it because I'm too afraid. It's avoidable yeah you know but it's really kind of crazy if you stop and think about the fact that there's saying drug stores and they have liquor and then there's bars and they have liquor and then there's supermarkets and they have liquor if marijuana was as readily available as alcohol it would be fucking bananas because literally if you you go down Ventura Boulevard in Studio City, every 20 feet you can buy alcohol. There's like a series of bars and restaurants.

Every 20 feet you can get fucked up. I'm amazed that I'm still alive. One time I was at a bachelor party and we left. And we were on Lake George in New York. And we had to get back to the house where we were all staying, and there was like one bar in this town. And all these guys piled in this minivan, and we were supposed to have two vans for all the guys, but one of the vans had to leave to take a guy to the hospital from the bar. And we were leaving, and this Australian buddy of mine that was there jumps on the roof of the car, and I think it's funny. I jump on the roof of the car too.

While you're driving? No, this is in the parking lot. And then there's like a whole bunch of guys in the van because it was really crowded. So he goes, ah, I'm getting on the roof. And I went, yeah, me too, just fucking around. And the guy driving, a good friend of mine, Sterling, fucking took off. And we're on the roof holding on to like the rain gutters. And he drives.

It was seven miles. Oh, my God. Back to the thing. Driving fucking fast. And I'm trying to punch like the window with my hand. Like open, slap it. Going, slow the fuck. Like you're going to kill us.

Like in my head I went. I'm dying because every turn we went around, I had to like redistribute my weight on the roof of the car or I was flying off. And in my head I'm going, this is it. This is how I die. For sure I'm dying. No, you were saying stop. You were saying stop the car. Screaming stop.

And what happened to him? There's a van full of guys all screaming faster. Like thinking, you know, everybody's shit-faced. They thought it was funny. And thought it was hysterical. And then when we stopped at the house, I was really angry. Like he did like a donut in the parking lot. We finally fell off.

And the – my one friend of all my friends, only one friend said to me, he's like, I was practically like crying in there. He's like, I thought you were killing two people. It could have happened. He's like everyone – but I look at the Australian guy next to me and I go, we're going to fucking die. And he goes, my, we need a cocktail up here.

Like he was just loving it. And I'm like, we're going to fucking die for sure. You fall off a car going, you know, any amount of miles an hour, 20 miles an hour. We're probably going 55,

60, something like that. You were dead as fuck. Yeah. I don't know how we did it. That is where that, that football player, that young – what was his name? I forget. Something Henry died falling off – what's it?

Chris Henry. Chris Henry, yeah. He fell off the back of a truck. His wife was trying to get away from him. Oh, yeah. And he fell and cracked his head open. Well, I was embarrassed because I kept thinking to myself, this is how I'm going to die and this is how my parents are going to have to like – just such a – like, yeah, our douchebag son was on the roof of a car and I was probably like 32 at the time. Oh my god.

Like if I was 16, it would be one thing. Yeah, I thought you were way younger. I'm confused with the timeline. Oh, this is just a few years ago. Oh, Jesus Christ. What the fuck, man? You're hanging out with losers. You don't like to ghost ride your whip, Joe? That's ridiculous, man.

Yeah, it was terrifying. You gotta be real careful about what kind of drunks you hang out with. Because the drunks, they try to top one up each other. Try to out-drunk. What is this? Ghost riding riding the whip that stupid thing that those kids do where they get out and they get out of the car and dance and stuff while their car is like still driving down the street oh come on and it's called ghost riding the whip you've never

seen this no oh god are people really that fucking stupid is this the one where they fuck it up yeah yeah oh my god okay see this and a lot of times you get on top of the car. Sometimes you dance next to the car. I always go right from behind the car. No way. Have you done it? Yeah, I've actually done it once. Oh!

Oh! See, he falls. So the other guy's screwed. The guy can't. But, yeah, it runs right. It ran right into the camera guy. Oh, God. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good way to die, right? Yeah. Because you're filming the most hilarious video ever, and your fat friend falls off the fucking hood of the car that's rolling towards you with no brakes on. That's why I can't believe none, well, only one of the jackass guys has died. Oh, no!

Yeah. Is that guy on the highway? Yeah. Oh, my God. Look how fast he's going. Or the guy's running towards it. Yeah, because they're not going that fast. No, it's usually...

It's still so fucking stupid. That's a good spot for it, though, if you're going to do something fucking stupid. There's an area out in Palmdale where we used to do all the Fear Factor stunts. Because we would close off this giant stretch of road and we would set semis up on it. And people would be on the semis trying to jump from truck to truck and shit like that. But we would, oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, he's not going fast at all. He just jumped right off of that thing.

That's ridiculous. Yeah. Yeah, all right. Stop with this. You see anybody get really fucked up in Fear Factor? No. No, not really. Really?

I mean, the worst accident I ever saw was a dude jumping from one boat to another and smashed his face. That's like Wipeout. Yeah. He hit it hard, but boom. It looked bad. When I watched Wipeout, I'm like, how do they not fuck themselves up more? How do they not have a concussion? Jackass is way scarier than Fear Factor.

Some of the shit those guys did, like when Johnny Knoxville was a fucking – already a movie star, puts a blindfold on. He stands in front of a bull. Yeah. And the bull sends him flying through the air while he's blindfolded. Those guys are crazy. Well, do you ever watch Nitro Circus? No. Nitro Circus is jackass with talent.

I can't watch that shit. I find it so impressive. These guys are like trained – they're like – they took like the best motocross racer, the best the best BMXer, the best skateboarder everybody that's the best at what they do and they do stunts. And they beat the shit out of each other? No, they do stunts and they do like they'll jump out of an airplane without a parachute

and hook up to another guy with a parachute. Oh my god. But they do these things that I'm like, how are they not dead? So they're more taking risks whereas the jackass guys are hurting each other. Yeah, they're hurting each other. It's a different scene because you're talking about guys – like jackass guys put bulletproof vests on and then get shot.

But the risks they're taking – the jackass guys produce. Johnny Knoxville produces Nitro Circus. Oh, OK. If you watch it – and Johnny does stuff and that's where he hurt himself when he fucked up his dick. What? Yeah, he had like pee. I don't know if he still does, but I think he has to like pee in a catheter or something because –

Why? They taught him how to backflip a motorcycle. Oh, God. And Johnny just tried it. Oh, my God. And he broke his dick. The handlebar went straight through his cock. Oh, Jesus, son.

Brutal. Oh, my goodness. But yeah, they have this guy, Street Bike Tommy, who is one of the Nitro Circus guys. And he's kind of their fat guy that they make fun of. I've tried to have him on the podcast. And he's like, yeah, when I come to California, I'll do it. But the other day, he Instagrammed a picture. He just cut his finger off. And it's the grossest picture ever.

It's the grossest picture ever. But he – they make him do all these things and he's not talented like they are. And so whenever there's like something – they're the slip and slide guys. Have you ever seen their crazy – I told you I don't watch that shit. I don't want to watch idiots doing stupid shit and they're going to get them hurt. It's phenomenal. To you. I don't like that stuff.

I get it, but I don't like it. I want to watch guys run into walls and break their face. No, no, no. But I mean when they're doing stuff like – There's other shit in this world, Eddie Yift. The stunts are phenomenal. I'm sure. Phenomenal.

I'm sure. Yeah. Good luck with that. Well, like Travis – do you know who Travis Pastrana is? No. I've heard the name. Travis is the motocross racer who now races rally racing. Oh, yeah.

Didn't he get hurt a few years back? The guy has broken like every bone in his body. Yeah. pastranos no i've heard the name travis is the motocross racer oh yeah he's uh rally racing a few years back the guy's broken like every bone in his body yeah i went to uh um i think it was a thing for him a birthday no it's like a benefit slash birthday thing i think i think if i'm thinking of the right guy is that the thing with the giraldo and arch barker were there no no because they roasted him for mtv no it wasn't't that. It might be a different guy, but go ahead. But he now races rally racing because he's just fucked himself up so much. So he has to drive cars now because he's broken everything too many times?

Broken everything. There's a great documentary on him called 99 Lives. I think it's called 99 Lives. And it talks about his lack of fear, like his mental capacity and how he doesn't – like we all have fear and he doesn't have it. What do you mean he doesn't have it? He just doesn't have it. Is that real?

Yeah, I think there's something scientific to it. So he's got a brain that's got a missing piece. That sounds like a really dumb thing. Yeah, but he's accomplished a lot of things. Apparently there's a video of Johnny Knoxville breaking his urethra if anybody wants to watch it. Is that what it was? He broke his urethra? Matt Hoffman's

tribute to Evel Knievel. I don't want to see it though. It's five minutes and I'll break my own rules by even telling you about it. Matt Hoffman is a guy that he's a BMXer that he's hurt himself so many times that they wouldn't do surgery on his knee, this special surgery, but they had it in Canada and they didn't have it in the United States. So he went to Canada to do it. The doctor could do it in Canada, but by law, he couldn't do it

unless he was awake. He couldn't put them under for it. And they had to bring whatever the – it was like an anterior cruciate ligament or something and it was made of – I forget what they used. Not titanium. Whatever they used to make it, something like a polypropylene or like a – Like a wire. Gore-Tex. Whatever it was, he had to ship it to Canada because it was like illegal. They weren't allowed to use it there.

So he put it in like – he owns a BMX company. He put it in like a bike box and sent it. And then the doctor did it and he talks about it. He helped the doctor do the operation because there was like – the doctor had like saw this part, put it in, and he stayed awake and let the doctor put this thing in. These guys are just – Well, I had an ACL operation where I stayed awake. let the doctor put this thing in. These guys are just... I had an ACL operation where I stayed awake. You stayed awake for them? Yeah, but I just wanted to see it.

It was the first one. They give you an epidural and knock you out. So from the waist down, I couldn't feel anything. And you did it just because you wanted to watch it? I wanted to see it and I was scared to go under too. I don't like going under. Going under to me was like getting knocked out. Yeah.

Like I didn't ever want that to happen. I did it once for – I broke my ankle and they put me under. And then when they went to take the screws out, I said, I'm not going fucking under again. So you went with an epidural? Yeah. Yeah. There's certain things they won't do with an epidural. But there's – the second knee operation I got, he kind of put me under.

I met a – But he had to help the doctor. I wouldn't have been – I was drugged up to the gills. Yeah. I don't think he was drugged. Yeah. How did he help the doctor? Like, here, hold this.

Yeah, yeah. Hit that with a hammer when I say go. I think I saw the interview with him when he was talking about it. What fucking robot doctor, voodoo doctor was he going to? The dude who rented me the scooter this week had esophageal cancer, had his whole esophagus removed, and they moved his esophagus like around to the side and back because he had acid reflux so bad. They got esophageal cancer. They did a procedure on him that had never been done before. They put him into a coma to do the procedure because when you're when you're under you still swallow you still have a swallowing

reflex it still happens but when you're in a coma you don't swallow oh so they had to put him into a coma and I go what was that like and he goes well I go how when'd you come out he goes about two days later he goes but I couldn't say my ABCs for about a month but it saved his life the guys alive Wow think about that shit when you smoke cigarettes Brian yeah Brian thinks it's never gonna happen to him oh it will he's gonna be that guy that's gonna be fine smoking a pack a day for the rest of his fucking life wait but you you have the fucking fake cigarette. Yeah, that's just so when I'm inside.

Oh, God. And also because you love Stephen Dorff. What does Stephen Dorff smell like? This is actually watermelon flavored, too. You don't know? No. Oh, I need to turn you on to the douchiest commercial in the history of the universe. It's a commercial so douchey, you have to think that it's a subtle parody.

You have to think that someone was like, someone hates Stephen Dorff, and they talked him into doing this, and they're like, listen, he's an egomaniac, we're going to talk him into doing this fucking commercial. It's like, there's no way he's going to do this commercial. I'm telling you, I can talk this motherfucker into doing this commercial.

Steve, we want you to write this. We want it to be in your voice. We want you to sell these cigarettes. You got to see this. I'm tired of being in your voice. We want you to sell these cigarettes. You gotta see this. I'm tired of being a walking ashtray. Negative, too. I'm tired of feeling guilty every time I want to light up. I'm Stephen Dorff.

I've been a smoker for 20 years. And I just found the smarter alternative. Blue E6. Blue lets me enjoy smoking without it affecting the people around me. Because it's vapor, not tobacco smoke. Look at this. This is my favorite part. The deep, deep slow-mo walking on the beach.

With Blue, you can smoke at a basketball game if you want to. And how about not having to go outside every ten minutes when you're in a bar with your friends? The point is, you can smoke Blue virtually anywhere. We're all adults here it's time we take our freedom back Rise from the ashes Take your freedom back The long slow draw at the end. That's Do you ever... There's a douchier one though. Your show every... Have you seen the Brad Pitt one?

Is it like a Japanese one? I've done this like seven times. Have you never seen the Brad Pitt Chanel No. 5 commercial? I don't think so. Oh, sweet Jesus. You must see this. Oh, wait. Wait. There's a new one. Wait. We should watch this new thing. There's a new Brad Pitt Chanel No. 5 commercial? No, no, no. There's a new commercial. Does he really need money?

A new commercial what? That's, uh, hold on. What? What? All right, Courtney. What is it? Courtney Love. Have you seen that?

It's kind of like the same idea as what we just watched, but with Courtney Love. No. Yeah. Hit it. All right. Enjoy Presents. Yeah, that's another company. Enjoy presents That's another company Is that Courtney Love?

No You never know It's been a while That's Francis Bean Okay so we're watching For folks listening at home We're watching some woman elegantly dressed Old lady

She has a lot of jewelry on and she is walking up to Courtney Love who looks better than usual you know you can't

smoke in here relax it's a fucking enjoy way better enjoy okay that was way better enjoy okay that was way better

enjoy sort of that commercial uses the word fucking dude yeah but it's it's still it's I mean I guess it's better but I mean it's like you want to be the cunt

that smokes those cigarettes and acts like that better than a regular cigarette it's I guess it's more rock and roll than the other commercial. Yeah. You know?

It's better. Okay, watch the Brad Pitt one on your own, but it's the only thing that's even douchier than the Stephen Dorff commercial. The Brad Pitt one will turn your stomach. Because Brad Pitt's got like a billion dollars. It doesn't make any sense. Well, I guess he got paid like crazy millions. That's nice. It had to be.

Maybe he's Bill a hut in Taiwan Yeah I saw Seinfeld doing a corporate once And I was like how much money do they have to pay Seinfeld to do a corporate A lot of those guys love that shit You know Jay Leno makes a huge amount of money doing that stuff That's like his gig That's like a big joke though the Leno corporate shit Is it a joke?

Don't you know that? Every comic apparently like when you sit on the couch And talk to him He goes So uh You doing corporate? Guess how much he got Because he does a lot of them

He loves them Guess how much he got paid for it Who got paid? Brad Pitt got paid to do that commercial How much? Let me guess Let me guess How much?

Let me guess first Uh 11 million 11 million? What would you say Joe? 4 million Uh It's actually 7 Hmm Cause I know 7 million dollars 11 million. 11 million? What would you say, Joe? 4 million. It's actually 7.

Hmm. Because I know... $7 million to sell your soul. Yep. 7 million. It's so bad. It's so stupid. Okay, you got to see it now. Play it now.

Would you do it? Me? For 7 million? No. You wouldn't do it for $7 million? No, because I don't need 7 million. You know? If I was broke, and before I did Fear Factor,

before I did News Radio, and you said, hey, you want to do this really douchey Chanel No. 5 commercial? We'll pay you $7 million. I'd be like, fuck, yeah. You can find some horrible commercials with me. This commercial, though, it's so ridiculous. As a comedian, you would have such a hard time doing this commercial. It's really hard to do.

I've done some shit that I'm really embarrassed. Play it. Play it. Because it's so preposterous. You watch it and you go, come on, Brad. What is going on? It's not a journey. Every journey ends, but we go on.

The world turns and we turn with it. Plans disappear. But look at him. Look at him. You're not really doing this, Brad. You're acting, you fuck. My fate. My fortune.

Four million. Number five. Hold on. Inevitable. No, come on. That's disgusting. That's so bad. I mean, shit, I might do it for seven million.

Fuck, yeah. I don't want to lie. I don't want to lie. I don't want to lie. Was that one of those things where he just goes, oh, we want to get that house up at the Ski Resort. I'll do it. I don't understand. I mean, I guess – look, he's involved in a lot of charitable ventures, so who am I to judge and guess what he does with his money? You're right.

He might do something really amazing with it. There's a banking commercial, and I forget what the bank is. It's one of those like trading things in the commercial and I hear the voice and I'm good with voices. I go, that's Matt Damon and he's doing a banking commercial and he's doing a voice. Why does Matt Damon have to do fucking voiceovers? He's got enough money. So I Google it, look it up. Apparently he donated all the money to charity.

And so because – and I read there was the hypocrisy of Matt Damon. Here he is, a guy who – he was the voiceover in Inside Job, the movie about the banks. And he's always – he's very liberal and he's been very critical of the banks. And here he is doing a fucking commercial for the banks. So I guess it was one of these things where he just said, you know what? I'll do it. We're going to take all that money and I'd like to see the charity he gave it to. I hope it's something like

a lobby against the banks. Yeah, that would be a smart thing to do. Use their money against them. But it's still weird, you know? I would have sex with Brad pay for $7 million. I think it would cost more than that. Yeah, I don't think Brad would have it with you.

I really don't think Brad would be like, and what do I get out of this? Well, what if he just was into it? It's like a fetish thing for him. Could be. I'm sure there's a lot of people that are willing to do that. $7 million?

Hey, I'm not putting the offer up there right now, guys. Think about what your friend did for 25 grand and some coke. Yeah. You know, 25 grand and some coke, and who knows who she let fuck her ass. Yeah. You know? Probably a lot of craziness going on, a lot of spitting in people's mouths. Well, I've talked about it.

You know your webcams. You led me on to that, what's it called? MyFreeCams.com. MyFreeCams. Those girls that go on there can say what countries they want to be shown in. Right. So basically, a girl can just check off. She doesn't want to be shown in right so basically a girl can just check off she doesn't want to be seen in the united states canada australia any english speaking place

where she might possibly know someone but let the rest of the world just jerk off to her never ever gonna see one of those people ever again and it's like i think there's so many girls on there that we don't know about like girls you know because I never see my guy friends that don't have money always have to pick up, like, second and third jobs. My girlfriends that don't have money, it's just life's easy. And they all say they're just responsible. Whatever. I'm like, what?

Where are you getting money? And I'm convinced they're all on my free cams in Latvia and Estonia and Cambodia. You probably, right? They're all fucking stacking up bitcoins like a motherfucker. Bitcoins, tokens. Yeah. Stacking up them bitcoins, son. You think that bitcoin thing is going to work?

I would like it to work. So would I. I think it would be interesting. I think it would be interesting if there was an alternative currency that a bunch of people agreed to that was stable. If you could find a way to circumvent the financial system, that would be a way to defeat it, to define one that we all agreed on, that everybody got together and said, you know what? Fuck all this craziness. Let's put our resources into this other thing. The problem is that's when you find out how corrupt the system really is because they would never let you establish an alternative set of currencies.

Right. I think you'd end up dead. Most likely. They would discourage it heartily. Yeah. I mean the amount of money that would be lost if there was a valid alternative to the dollar or the ruble or whatever the fuck you're using. Yeah. If there was some nationwide or global currency that we all agreed to that was like established and was like really strong, that would fuck everything, man.

All this global power grab would be in the toilet. And third world countries would – like when everybody has the same value on their dollar. Yeah. When the dollar is the same value, which I've looked into this and thought about it and it's really confusing. And I don't know enough about currencies and what would happen. Because you can trade internationally then, and there's no one able to monitor it, and there's no embargoes on – it wouldn't be able to be taxed. Yeah, I don't know. It's interesting. It would eventually have to get taxed. Somehow, yeah. You would have to pay taxed. Yeah, I don't know. It's interesting. It's very, it would eventually have to get taxed.

Somehow. Yeah. You would have to pay for things. You know, it's really becomes a matter of government over bureaucracy. You can use it now. Like the real problem is bureaucracy gets to a point where you start creating jobs that aren't necessary. And then you say, oh, we created X amount of jobs this quarter.

Like that's like a, people love to do shit like that. And sometimes those jobs are really good and sometimes those jobs are government jobs. And when government jobs get established, it's very rarely they get removed. You know what I mean? Like they might slash things if there's funding. But if there's money, they would like to keep jobs going and create new jobs in government and create new laws so that new jobs are in place. Like that's one of the big arguments to not making pot legal because you would lose like a lot of people that are in the business of locking people up for pot and arresting pot dealers. And then all of a sudden the pharmaceutical company is going to lose money.

What are they going to let people go as well? Like how does that work it's kind of it's a weird financial situation where the the uh the the resources and the impact of the control of the resources shifts and so that's like a financial decision and that's one of the real problems with making anything that's that popular illegal while it's illegal it's like financially it creates a real issue well i also saw that a lot of the reason the pot hasn't become legal yet is because the regulation isn't in place yet. They haven't been able to create the bureaucracy around it. And a lot of times they've done things – like if you look around the world, the lack of regulation has created fucking – like you look at what happened in the Soviet Union when it dismantled and they sold off the gas companies, the electric

companies, and the Russian mafia just became like billionaires overnight. People were able to buy the electric company or buy – Well, I think there was a lot more to the collapse of the Soviet Union. Well, no, no. But what I'm saying is they had two different currencies in Russia at that time or the Soviet Union. They had two different ones? Two different currencies and they were using one to buy up the other one.

Like people were smart enough to say, let's buy all this currency. I read this book called Rogue Economics about what happens with lack of regulation and they were – then when I read about pot being legal, it was like if it gets legalized, what happens? The corporations might be able to come in and push out all the growers, push out all the – what do they call it? If it gets legal? If it does get legal. How would they be able to do that?

It doesn't make any sense. Because let's – Once the growers are already established. Because let's say the growers are established, but let's say big corporations come in and get involved, like the tobacco corporations. What if they, with all their money, buy up all the pot, the pot fields, everything? Like there is no way of actually – like it would be like opening the floodgates right away, and it's like what's going to happen? Well, I don't understand what you're saying. I mean why would that stop the people who are already growing from growing?

Well, when we had that proposition to vote to make pot legal, I was trying to read about it, and I'm not even a big pot smoker. But I was like, come on. We've got to fucking legalize this shit. This is ridiculous. And so – I like how you did that with like a – acted it out. Well, the referendum vote was like let's vote to make it legal. And then I started reading in a lot of the local Venice newspapers and stuff, and they were saying that a lot of the people in Humboldt and Mendocino County

and all that were growers and stuff were against it because they were worried that they would get pushed out. I'll tell you that's not true. The reason why they're against it is because you can make a lot more money when it's illegal. That's why they're against it. Okay. You got their argument a little wrong. And not only that, a lot of those people were also against medical. They like to keep it illegal because when it's illegal, it's worth

a lot more money and it's harder to find people to sell it. It's harder to find people that you could buy it from and so they can control the market. Well, but in that situation, pot is legal. There's going to be more money spent on marijuana if it is legal. It's just going to more money spent on marijuana if it is legal. It's just going to make more competition for them. That's all it is. Exactly. The reason why the growers don't want it is because a bunch of other people are going to start growing, and then the prices are going to go down.

But who would ultimately make the money on marijuana? Wouldn't it be corporations? The real issue, the real issue that's undiscussed is something like Monsanto coming along and owning strains of marijuana and eliminating the other strains. That is a distinct possibility. If you see what they've done, who the fuck would have ever thought they'd be able to do what they've done with corn? Who the fuck would have been able to believe that they would be willing to, that politicians would be willing to accept? I don't know what the fuck they're getting paid. I don't know how the fuck they're passing these laws like the Monsanto Protection Act, all these different laws that allow genetically modified foods to be

in your supermarkets without labels because it's not clearly established whether or not they're 100% safe. I know some of them are safe. If you ever question that and how that happens, read the book Lawrence Lessig's book called Republic Lost. He explains how all that government subsidies,

all of that shit happens, and they target. It's the same way the defense corporation. Yeah, but they target. Like a lobby group or a special interest group or a PAC will – it's not even that they have the resources to just spend so much money. What they do is they will – it's almost like mafia technique. Like they'll go to a congressman and say,'s not we're spending money against you. It's the threat of we're going to spend money against you. So the politicians then fold and say, well, they go with where the money is. I what it is. I think it's 97 percent of the time or something, the candidate with the most money. Yeah, I'm sure. It only makes sense.

I mean you have to have like a wildly popular platform for you to be accepted and you don't have as much money or you have to compete against a real jackass. It's a bought system and something like Bitcoin or some alternative currency, I know a lot of people poo-poo it. Maybe Bitcoin is not the one, but who the fuck saw Bitcoin coming? I never heard anything about it until like a couple of years ago. And now all of a sudden, you know, you're hearing about it in like legitimate news sources and you're like, whoa, what's going on here? And then coincidentally it crashes through the fucking floor and the value drops and there's all sorts of fuckery involved with it so but did that happen the value dropped yeah yeah bitcoin went through some but you know it's also people probably trying to profit or trying to capitalize on a system that's not completely secure i don't

know i don't understand finances that much i'm too add for that shit yeah i i got the app and and just wanted to play with it and see what was going on. Yeah, I just wanted to see what was going on. I get every app. Have you done Uber yet? Oh, sure. Yeah, I use it all the time. It's amazing. Fucking awesome.

Did you see the guy who's selling a house in Canada with Bitcoin? Really? Yeah, he wanted to acquire a lot of Bitcoins, and he had a piece of property that he wasn't using. It was like a house on a lake or on a river, like a rural vacation house. It's like 300 grand or something like that. He's selling it on Bitcoin. He wants 300,000 Bitcoins or whatever the fucking equivalent is. Well, if you look at it, I mean, it's been going on on games like I don't play,

but like World of Warcraft and that stuff. Those people, they had a whole South Park episode about it, about like where they have the little kids working, playing the video games, that they can acquire these coins or whatever it was, whatever the value on the game. Because that happens in video games all the time where people try to acquire these. Well, it's a legit service. Like people will pay people in foreign countries, like third world countries will play games all night with your character. Like you give them your character for a few months and you come

back your character is like a master wizard because these are like fucking total super nerd games it's not like you're playing checkers or chess or or even you know i used to do that with my friends on madden when they would leave when we all lived together down at the beach they would leave i would play as their team and just lose hurt their players that's funny yeah that's funny but the there's one of the saddest shows that i ever watched was a documentary on this family that was addicted to world of warcraft one of those games it was world of warcraft but it was a family some husband and wife and a kid and the wife would always get bummed out when she had to take care of the baby because the husband could play the game and she was like complaining she's got his fucking

newborn and she doesn't want it because she wants to get back to her character in the game and it was it was really depressing because like you imagine if you you're essentially being born into a house full of addicts they're addicts but it's not heroin it's world of warcraft i mean they are addicted to this they're completely totally focused on that's why i hate when people go drugs and alcohol ruined their life it's like drugs and alcohol didn't they did those people would have found something like fucking world of warcraft it if it wasn't drugs or alcohol would have been something i agree with you but i don't agree with you because i know people that literally whatever it is they got the bad gene they cannot drink they have one drink and they're gone and they're sober and they need to be sober i know people that have a chemical issue yeah i know one of those i know a few

and i didn't think they existed until i was in my like late 20s and then i was like okay i think i am misreading this because i was like a bunch of weak bitches like i had this dumb approach to people who couldn't quit drugs or alcohol but But usually those people, I've seen them be fucked up with other things too. Sure. Yeah, but those people, they might have a psychological issue as well as this compulsive issue as well as like a chemical problem. Like there's a cumulative things that can happen to you. And for some people, it's also like alcoholism is a weird thing where it starts off where

they can handle it and then somewhere along the line their body just loses its ability to tolerate alcohol and if they keep drinking keep abusing their body it's one shot and they're donsville i've seen people like that i don't think we totally understand you know like how another person is feeling when they take something you know and i think there are some people out there that can that can get hammered and they just fall apart my friend my friend laura she just takes one hit and she of marijuana and she her body like short circuits and like i think we talked about it once where she just stood up and ran towards the bathtub

and just flew like tripped over the bathtub and flew and like almost chipped every single one of her teeth out. And she had no idea why she did that. It was just like her body just reacted crazy. A friend of mine from Fear Factor, we were all in New York filming and it was all the crew and we passed a joint around and she took one hit and just blacked out and someone caught her.

Someone had to catch her in the middle of the street in New York. She almost fell down and cracked her head off the concrete. She just went unconscious. Everybody else is just taking a pull off a joint, and everybody else is fine. But for whatever reason, it hits her, and her body is— That's why I've talked about it a million—I've talked with you a million times about it. My just—I've had good experiences, but i've had a couple that were just fucking

atrocious i the the anxiety level and the paranoia and the the fucking you know like i thought i was gonna jump out of an airplane once it ain't for everybody that's a fact yeah there's nothing's for everybody some you you don't even drinking caffeine anymore right now because it was all because of that the anxiety that i was're so fucking aggro as it is. Look at you, you savage. You're fighting with fucking people. You're on code. No, you know what? You're selling people.

You're an MMA fighter. When that chick, I want to justify that because when I got in the argument with her, I never once said you're a bitch. You're a cunt. I never raised my voice. All I did was say, wow, you're – I said like I'm talking to you. I went, wow, you're a horrible person. And just the way she was acting to me, it was like you shouldn't get away with this. I got you.

And that's how I was talking, and I never once said – the next day they said, oh, you said she should be raped and you said – I said no. I said I hope she gets hit by a car on the way home. Oh, see, you didn't just say she's a horrible person. No, no, no. Oh, no, but I was combating – It sounded like you took the high road. No, see, you didn't just say she's a horrible person. No, no, no. Oh, no, but I was combating. No, she said some things to me that I said that then. What did she say to you? You know what?

I don't give a fuck about this story. How about that? Yeah, she was just being a cunt. Thank you, Joe. You know, I mean, you know what it is. But no, I just, I want to justify that. I forget what I was talking about. It's no big deal.

I know what you're saying. You're not on coke, but caffeine is a little too much for your personality. I'm not aggressive. You're not aggressive, but if someone is a douchey person to you, you don't walk away from it. Right. That's what a lot of times – like what's that old expression? If you're in an argument with an idiot, it's very difficult to tell who's who. Yeah.

You know? I think that I probably fucked up that in paraphrasing it. But that is a situation where if you're in a situation where someone's aggressive to you and you're aggressive back to them and then someone walks in on it, it looks like you're always in fights. Yeah. And you could be a guy that just defends yourself all the time, but it looks like you're always in fights. Yeah. Especially if there's YouTube clips of it. Where there's smoke if there's youtube clips of it where there's smokers fire and uh you know yeah i mean i've always felt like

um i've never been one to start shit with people i don't like starting shit with people but i also not really enjoy people like getting off on me and like saying shitty things to me just because they want they want to be cunty so when you stand your ground or when you're aggro back or insulting back, it becomes the same thing. You just – they started it, but you're doing it. You're both involved in it. Yeah. And it's really stupid, but it takes a long time to realize that it's really stupid.

Right, right, right. And what I did, the first thing I did when these guys came after me was cops, and then I had no cops, and I was like, all right, I got to – Well, those guys were working too, so they weren't even fucked up. They were just on that sweet, sweet pussy. I think they were pretty fucked up though. You think so? Yeah, I think they were.

While they were working? Yeah, yeah. I think it was one of those. Oh, okay. Well, I bet they're just in love with that girl, man. That's so common. It's so common where you get one pretty girl who just dominates like a business establishment. That's the saddest thing when you go to visit a buddy at work and you realize that this is one hot chick that's sort of like putting her spray around the room and all these dolts

that your buddy works with are tripping over themselves trying to please this girl and white knighting it at every turn. And, you know, I think you're just out of line with the way you talk around women. You know, you know, those cocksuckers and like, oh, you son of a bitch. Look what you're doing here. You're throwing yourself on the sword. You sad sack of shit, you. Well, that son of a bitch. Look what you're doing here. You're throwing yourself on the sword, you sad sack of shit, you. Well, that's what I said.

When the guy, when he finally calmed down, I said to the guy, he said, you've got a girl in there crying right now. And I said, hold on. I said, I explained what happened to him. And he kind of looked at me like, oh, this is a different story than what she told me. Of course. It always is. A chick that wants to get you to fight someone for it too. Who does that? Cunts. Cunts.

Cunts, Eddie Heft. Cunts. You couldn't get me to do that. Any girl. Yeah, he said. I'd be like, you're going to have to deal with this yourself. Yeah, well there's a lot of guys out there. Can't get any pussy. It's hard. It's confusing as fuck. If you're a dude

out there, okay, and you're an unattractive guy and you're working at a fucking kitchen and a bar, you know, you're flipping burgers. No one wants to fuck you, all right? That's just a fact. And you know that no one wants to fuck you, and that shit gets depressing. And you're willing to play the long game and befriend a lot of really cunty chicks hoping that when they're 40 and it all falls apart for them, they'll go with the guy who actually really loved them. Once they get over this looks thing or whatever, so there's a lot of poor saps out there that get sucked into, which is essentially a deal with a drug dealer that never gives you the drugs.

It's like, man, I got that cocaine, but, dog, I can't give you none. Come on, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I just want a little bit of your cocaine. Dog, I don't know, I'm vulnerable. I just feel. I love you. I love you. I just want a little bit of your cocaine. Dog, I don't know. I'm vulnerable. I just feel like maybe you only want me for my cocaine. And I would like us to just be friends. Can't you just understand that I have this cocaine and I want to keep it?

But I heard you gave Billy cocaine. I was very vulnerable and I don't want to make that mistake again. And now me and Billy don't talk. And I don't want that to happen between us because we're good friends. So I can't give you this cocaine. So these poor pussy junkies will follow her around for years. Are you doing another show over there? No.

A fucking bug just attacked me. So you're doing this for years and years. And, you know, you do drastic shit like try to fight people in parking lots. You know? It's fucked up that sex is, such a priority that's why it was legal for the male body if prostitution was legal i think it would take such an edge off of we have a fucked up attitude about prostitution like i don't want anybody i know to be a prostitute me neither and i don't want to i don't partake in it's not my thing but there's a lot of guys that

i friends of mine that i'm like let me take you to a hooker. What I was going to say is I also don't want any friend of mine to be a janitor to have clean toilets. That job sucks too. Yeah. I don't know which one is better. I don't know. If you're like really open-minded with sex and there's a screening process and the guys who come through are polite, I really don't know which one is worse. Yeah.

Cleaning toilets or letting a guy put a condom on you on top of you i don't know i don't know i mean it's really a cultural decision it's a personal decision but i think you should be able to make that decision yourself you know i wouldn't want anybody that i'm friends with deciding to be a coroner i really wouldn't i wouldn't want you to do that but but if you want to do that i think it should be your choice i always wonder the mentality of that fucking craziness man you're looking at bodies all day. I was just talking to a dude who was a funeral director. He was the bartender at this comedy club.

And he said, yeah, I used to be a funeral director up north in Boston. And I was like, wow. How are you able to fucking do that every day? Just ugh. Yeah, well, how about guys who get caught fucking the corpses? Does that happen that often? Don't you know what gunging is? A buddy of mine back in Boston, him and his brother walked in on this guy who had just gotten done fucking one of the corpses.

He's almost positive. He's like, there was a dead naked girl on the counter, and this guy was huffing and puffing and sweating. naked girl on the counter and this guy was huffing and puffing and sweating and he was back there with his dead naked girl and they heard something funny and they knocked and they were they were there because someone in their family had died and they had to you know go through the funeral arrangements and they he believes they just about stumbled upon a guy who had fucked a dead female corpse he's almost positive Brian you've got to know this is like a really conservative do it some's almost positive. Brian, you've got to know. This is a really conservative dude.

There's probably some dark hole of the internet where you've seen these people. Oh, yeah, you can find them. They've seen videos. What do you mean? There's videos of people. Yeah, there's videos of guys fucking dead bodies. There's a video that a guy put online.

It was him and his boyfriend, and he killed his boyfriend, and then he fucked him and cut him up and put it all online and ate some of his body what did you just show gunjing is an act that where you take a person that's been buried recently and you you get them from under the ground and you uh like put your lips around their vagina and you have somebody else jump up and down on their stomach. Wait a minute. Whereby the first person to ejaculate misplaces lips over the dead

person's sexual parts while his fellow competitors jump on the stomach. This is just made up. That's totally made up. That's so stupid. I have a feeling Brian did. I think GoTanaka told me about that. Why do you think that's real?

I guess it is real if you decide it's real. Yoshi would know about it. What is – what's a Cleveland Steamer? What's a Dirty Sanchez? You know what it is, so it's real. Once you invent it, it's like a drink. It's like a Bloody Mary. We tried to make one of those up on there.

A drink? No, on Urban Dictionary, and it was already there. What was it? I don't know. It was something like we were trying to make the Amish butter churner or something, and we were saying you take a dildo and you cum all over it and then fuck the girl with the cum of the dildo, and then you fuck her in your ass while she's upside down like a butter churn or something.

And I swear to God we put it on something very similar. I'm sure. It's probably every depraved sexual act ever. It's probably been labeled. There's t-shirts for sale. There's a TM behind it. I used to... I made a sex move when I was in college and I used to call it the Don Pablo because it was

a girl I fucked at Don Pablo's where you would take the girl, she would be on her stomach and you'd lay down so you're kind of like butt to butt, but you're dicking her between your legs, so you're pushing it like that, and then you fall down, so you're on top of her, and you're using her legs to pull closer. I lost you five seconds ago. I don't know where you are. But it hit the G spot like crazy, and she would just, that's all she wanted after.

She wanted the Don Pablo. But then I tried it to somebody else, and they're like, fuck that. What the hell are you doing? Just get on top of me have a chance some girls don't want you practicing shit you've already done before hey i've done this one a bunch of times try this lay down fly they're like what wait what are you doing god damn it you silly fuck brian fucks the same way he does podcasts just interrupts with some weird shit in the middle of it doesn't make any sense hold on okay open your mouth put a toe in it no of it. Doesn't make any sense. Hold on. Okay. Open your mouth. Put a toe in it. No.

Thought it'd be funny. This girl that we know down in Australia said she told my friend that she woke up one night. She hooked up with this dude. She wakes up. He's standing over her jerking off. Whoa. And he's got his toe in her pussy. Oh my God.

How rude. That guy's an asshole. He's out there walking around with a bunch of cat shit on the floor and stuff. He's stuffing it right up some chick's pussy. He should at the very least have some alcohol wipes and really do a good job of cleaning your toe off before you shove it in some chick's clam.

That's just rude. That guy's a dick. You know what I've always wanted to try? Have you seen those pills that they sell at CVS and they're for kids where they're like these little pills and you put them in a glass of water and they make this humongous dinosaur or something? I've always wanted to put it in one of those girls' vaginas and see what happens. It's kind of like a tampon. It's called they die. You ever heard of a thing called toxic shock syndrome?

It would just freak them out. When girls find things up their pussy, when they find things that are stuffed in their pussy and they've been up there for a while, sometimes they can get really sick. Girls have died from tampons being stuck up their pussy. I mean like if you're going to nerf their puss, like you don't keep it in there. What if you leave a chunk of it in there? I think it would blow up really big. They'd be like, what the fuck? There's like a fucking Muppet coming out of my vagina.

You need to practice this in a lab before you stick it in a girl's body. I just heard a story about a guy who was fucking a girl and found – like while he was fucking her, going down on her or something, found a condom that was in her pussy. Oh my Jesus. I was a girl that I was dating where she had her tampon like had broken off like in the middle and she pulled part of it out but part of it was like stuffed in her pussy and i like put my finger in her and i'm like what the fuck is it and i pulled it out like you have a piece of tampon on your pussy she was so embarrassed she was so so embarrassed like she was like almost in tears and i was like it's just a mistake like i know you have a tampon like i didn't understand it like being a guy you don't understand like how could

that bother you like i know that you have tampons you tell I didn't understand it. Like being a guy, you don't understand like how could that bother you? Like I know that you have tampons. You tell me when you're on your period. I don't understand why this would be an issue. But to her, it was like this huge like embarrassment. I'm like I don't – That's a girly thing, right? This girl I dated, like we were drunk, and I fucked one of those little baby micro tampons into her.

Yeah, I've done that. And then she didn't know about it. And then a couple days later, she was getting kind of sick. And then her pussy just smelled. It was like a balut pond. No, I had to dig it out. I had to dig it out. Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, I guess you would have to. Yeah. You know when you're young and you're so horny? She's like, I'm on my period. We shouldn't. I know. And you rub it on the outside. And you wind up sticking it in there a little bit.

You'll do any little thing you can do. And then you can't fish that string out. Stuffed it in there like a fucking musket. It's like you packed around in there. Then you've got to play gynecologist. I've been there before, man. You're like, let me just rub it on the outside. And you hear those words coming out of your mouth.

Like, am I really that retarded that I just said that? Let me just rub it on the outside. Yeah. But we've all said that. Everyone said that. I still say it every week. Let me just put it in for a second. If you like it, it can stay.

Right. If you don't, we can take it out. Let's sleep with it inside just to see what it would feel like. And then if you want to move, that's fine. The most disappointing thing is when a girl says, okay. And you're like, oh, she's just as fucking stupid as I am. You're supposed to be the one who's sensible here. You're supposed to pull us out of this predicament.

It took me a long time to realize that if you just go when you're trying to hook up with a girl and you go, fine. I don't want to. And you go to sleep. All of a sudden, they wake you up. They're like, come on. Let's fuck. Really? Yeah.

I found that. Oh, you're ridiculous. That means your game sucks. No, no, no, me out forever i was the one all these girls like we go to sleep no no no forever i was the guy i would try every i would keep them up for eight hours until they'd finally give in like listen why don't we do this and then we'll try this and then we you would ask them with words no i, I mean just, you know, while you're fooling around. So then I found out that if you just, if you,

if you kind of do what they do and you kind of play hard to get, they go, why is this guy rejecting me? And then all of a sudden they're like, let's fuck Eddie. If it's working some long game on these chicks, how long would it take before you figured that out? It took a year.

Here's my, my, here's my advice to you, my friend, just fuck girls who actually want to fuck you. And when they don't, if they don't, that's cool. Let's just agree to not be friends. Come on, we all went through puberty.

We've all been there. It's all good. You go over there, I'll go over here. We're cool. Because there's some girls who like you. Now I'm getting married. I get one for the rest of my life. There's some gals who would like you, Eddie Yift. It's all about finding them. It's like finding your audience in comedy. There's some gals who would like you at EFT. Yeah, I got one. It's all about finding them. Found that one. It's like finding your audience in comedy.

You don't want to do, like, Brian was talking about doing some shows this weekend with a bunch of old people in the audience, and, you know, that's an uncomfortable feeling when it's not your audience. It's awful. It's terrible. It's awful. You've got to find your audience.

It is. Once those people who didn't live with the internet, once they die off, we're going to have a different world. You're lucky, Joe. You're one of the few comedians, though, that gets to purely perform for your audience. There's quite a few now, I think. More now than I think ever before because of the internet.

You don't think so? No, I think we all still have to. Like in Australia, I perform for my audience. People come to me. In the crowd, they're always – they bought a ticket to see me, and that feels good. In Australia. Yeah. In America, I'm still doing gigs. I'm at comedy clubs every once in a while. I've still had it. I had it in the past two years, two or three times where I've had the club owners tell me, Hey, I know you do this, blah, blah, blah. And I'm going, uh, I'm in the car and they're like, what? And they're like,

and I'm like, don't tell me how to do my act i'm on my way home and they're like what do you mean i've had three club owners in the last two years tell me uh you're too edgy and you're too offensive on stage and you're gonna have to calm it down for the next show and i like they'll call me in my room and i'm like i'm in the car i'm in the taxi I'm on my way to the airport and they're like no what what I'm like, fuck you You don't tell me how to do my act We need to go on tour man That just happened to me this weekend five minutes before I went on stage and he's like I need you to do a clean set And I was like, I don't have anything leave at that point cuz it ruined I've I've stayed and and They all end up apologizing and they try to keep you because they've got like – one time it happened here in LA and I just sold out crowd.

You can't tell a guy not to do his act. If you don't like that act, you cannot hire him again. But there's no way you could tell him how to do his act. So that's why I go fuck off and I just leave. Yeah. It's just – you can say I don't think you're funny. You could fire him. You could ask for another comic to come in and replace him.

But if you're going to allow him to go on stage, you're not a producer. You have no say in what goes on. That guy, it's his act. If you don't want to hire him again because you don't like it, that's all cool. But you can't direct a fucking comedian. Yeah, I got it in the airport. I'm on the airport on the way to a show, and the woman called me and said, hey, you got to go tonight. Listen, I need you corporate clean. And I said to go tonight. Listen, I need you corporate clean.

And I said, what? She goes, I need you corporate clean. We have a bunch of Christmas parties in. And I said, no, no. When I got booked, I got booked to do my show. And she said, yeah, but tonight's all Christmas parties. And I said, well, that's not – she goes, well, we're going to have to dock your pay then. And I went, no, no.

You're going to have to pay me what I was contracted to be paid. We're going to have to dock your pay because you won't change your act for my tastes? Yeah, and I said, fuck you. They treat you like you're a waitress. That's what it is. You've got to wear my apron with my logo on it or you're fired. But too many comics say, OK, I go fuck off and I leave. And I think if more comics did that, they wouldn't do that to me.

Well, they can't. They need the money. I mean I remember clearly days when I was told that I had to clean it up when I was coming up. It happened all the time. Yeah, but if you suck it up just once, if every comic sucked it up once, no club owner would ever do it. Yeah, but they would because the guy could still find someone to replace you and they'd probably be cleaner you know although so that was one of the big things about being unoffensive when you first started out you'd get so much more work yeah because when you first start out you're you're opening for people the last thing someone wants to do is go on after some guy

who breaks all these taboos especially if you break the same taboos or if your act is clean you know if there's two things because one like the guy's already like doing the kind of material Especially if you break the same taboos or if your act is clean. You know, there's two things. Because one, like the guy's already doing the kind of material that like a headliner does or this particular headliner does. And two, if you're clean and you have to follow some guy who's talking about fishing tampons out of chicks. And, you know, a lot of times they'll fucking, headliners will blow gaskets. And I've seen more censorship from headliners in comedy clubs, including guys who are not big names. They just happen to be the guy last. And it was just like you say, for the most part when you go to a comedy club,

if you see a guy who's an unknown name, he's not an unknown name just to you. He's an unknown name, period. So when he's headlining these clubs, people are coming to see the show because they've been comped like they get free tickets it's an off night or you know um the guy goes on the radio and drums up some business and they they have contests and they give away some tickets and then they make the money off the alcohol and that's that's a common thing and those guys i've seen those guys that those are like low-level dudes, usually probably struggle a little bit every now and then anyway. They'll change a guy's act if a guy's a middle act. I've heard stories, and I've had a couple guys give me when I was coming up, don't do this, don't do that.

Not many, but I've heard more stories about guys do it. I have never once said to anybody that opens for me, don't do that. I've never – and it always annoyed me when i heard guys did it it's gross it's disgusting like unless the guy's stealing sure sure or if he's stepping on your shit and there are those are two instances that happen all the time and what i mean by stepping on your shit if folks who don't know stand up like say if eddie if had a joke about going to jamba juice and it was like a signature bit about going to Jamba Juice, I might, if I want to fuck with him, if I was the middle act,

I might go on stage and just make up my own joke about Jamba Juice that I wasn't doing the night before, but I'll do it, and it'll be clearly like I just slapped it together, but what I'm doing is trying to take the wind out of the sails of his Jamba Juice joke by already trampling on that subject. It's a common thing

that comics will do. What I do get, every once in a while I'll get mad about is somebody deliberately blowing the light and offensively blowing it. Like, not just you know, they're supposed to do 30 minutes and they end up doing 45. Especially because you have two shows and you have

to close. I'll get mad about that. Yeah. But it also has to be – it's not five minutes over. It's when they go 10 or 20 minutes over. Right. I want to tear their face off like a chimpanzee does. Well, that's rude and that's why people think you're on Coke.

Jesus Christ. Look at this. Just say, I don't act like I'm on Coke. You're like, someone is talking for an extra five minutes. 20. I said 20. I said 20. I said 20. Like a monkey.

Five minutes, they get away. Why exaggerate, bro? The comedy is in the exaggeration. So this weekend I had to do a 15-minute act that was clean. And so I would, like, replace words. Instead of, like, throwing cum, I would just, like, throwing hot dog juice. It ruins your show. And I made it silly and goofy. And I also did a lot of just what I call math jokes which is just like this

happens this happens that's why that happened it's kind of you know like like dumb shit where were you fucking worked and I was like this is horrible this is the dumbest shit I've ever said in my life and you guys are loving this is stupid where were you that's silly because you should you should just enjoy it you know you shouldn't get upset your your issue right now Brian is we talked about this before the show is that he's he's like in a lot of places, but you don't do that many shows for people who don't know you. So people who know you, they know you're this silly bitch and you're ridiculous and you're always buying boner pills. So they want to hear this ridiculous shit out of you. But for people who don't know you, they're like, why is this guy talking about cumming on the ceiling?

Like what the fuck are you saying? You know what I mean? Yeah, that's a tough combination, and it's also – you know, like, what the fuck are you saying? You know what I mean? It's like. That's that's a that's a tough combination. And it's also, you know, you you know this very well that you can fall into when you're always performing for your crowd. It gets easy. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You can get soft. And you got to throw yourself into these situations where nobody knows you. Have you watched anybody like recently that like disappointed the fuck out of you? Yeah. And I can't say I can't say who either. But it. Oh oh it was brutal it hurt me and diaz left 15 minutes into this dude's set it was it was the laziest thing i'd ever seen it's a lot of that shit and and i i almost wanted to as a friend tell him that you can't do this there's a a lot of people like that, though. You know, I've always tried to do my very best to give a great show.

Like, I want to do the best to give the best at whatever I got at that point. And I'll have better shows and worse shows, but I'm always trying my best. Always. And when I see someone that's, like, just sending it in or phoning in, I'm like and and especially if they're doing it and they they're doing it because they already have a devoted audience I'm like do you understand what an amazing position yeah how lucky you are and you're cheating them like did you see you saw the crazy cat williams shit where he's obviously there's

an issue there I don't know what the fuck it is but do you know how many people I mean me huge cat flames cat williams fan I would be so sad if I went to see him and that went down. When he yells at someone in the audience and then leaves and that's his whole set. Because I remember his fucking specials where I thought the guy was brilliant. I'm like, so fun. So fun to watch. I will never forget what it's like to be a fan. I think it's the most important thing in order to still keep your zest for comedy is to still remain a fan of it.

And also the struggle – like I struggled for so long. Well, you're still struggling in America. It started to happen for me really quickly, and I'm glad it didn't because I would have been one of those assholes probably that just phones it in. But what happened was I struggled for so long that now I value it so much more. Yeah, but you're a hard worker anyway. I mean you're into CrossFit and you're always exercising. You put forth a lot of energy. You're not like a lazy guy who doesn't get shit done.

You just fucked up and you got famous in Australia. I started doing comedy. Yeah, that's probably – well, Colin Quinn said to me one time. I was taking a cab from like the cellar uptown to the comic strip or something, and I shared a cab with Colin. And it was after Saturday Night Live, and he had done all this stuff and i went colin what are you doing you know like we're all young kids flying around to the clubs and colin was like a generation like a couple generations older i'm like what are you doing with us why are you doing this and he's like he's like because every time i see one of you little fuckers on stage doing a good joke

i think i got i gotta one better. I have to. That's interesting. And I think it's compulsive among us. When I see a comic killing it, I'm like, I got to go home and write jokes. You know what else makes me want to write jokes? When I see someone eating it. When I see someone bombing.

I listened to Comedy Central Radio today on Sirius XM. You know, Sirius XM has a bunch of different channels. And my main car for a long time, I have not had satellite radio. I've just been listening to the podcast. I was in a truck today. As I'm driving around, I'm listening to all this stand-up.

It was terrible after terrible after terrible after terrible. I couldn't wait to go home and write. I'm like, this is just... It was a closing bit that a guy did and after the bit ended you know it's like thank you good night i was like you gotta be fucking oh like that was your clothes this is the laziest piece of shit i've ever heard in my life

there's like zero thought people that don't know you try to put your best like your strongest bit last yes and uh so that when you hear thank you, good night, you're like, that should have been his second joke. It was such a hunk of shit. But I went in there one day to SiriusXM to host some show, and I said, who's in charge here of programming

the comedy? And they were really cool about it. I sat down with them, and I went through all my bits that they play, and I said, don't play that one anymore. Don't play that one said don't play that one anymore don't play that one don't play that one don't play that one like i took out like shit that i'm i want retired forever that i am not proud of anymore right you know as i and that's why i constantly send them new shit too i'm like play this stuff this is the stuff i'm proud of it's always funny too when you listen to stuff that you think sucks and obviously somebody liked it there's people that were laughing.

They were playing it. I just thought it sucked. But then all of a sudden, boom, someone comes on who's actually funny. You know? Yeah. Like they played Brian Posehn's special. Yeah. And all of a sudden I'm laughing.

Yeah. You know? Like out of nowhere. Like, oh, this is actual comedy. But before that, I was just listening to nonsense. It was like somebody who just like structures a sentence and said it in a certain way, and I'm supposed to think it's hilarious. I'm such a fan of comedy that I like when I'm listening to that stuff and there's a comic I don't like. And all of a sudden, I get them, and I start liking them.

Like a comic that I would see in the club, and I'm like, oh, I didn't like that, and it might have been five years ago. And all of a sudden, I hear something new, and I'm like, oh, they've gotten funny. Yeah. And I like to see people are like people are like they've actually gotten funny people you're telling me you're getting hypnotized and you know like would they actually have because I've seen guys that weren't funny become so funny oh yeah and it's one of the great like I that is a beautiful thing I love that and people think oh comics are so competitive and they all hate and they want to see no I want to see everybody I would love to walk in a comedy club and have every comedian fucking make me laugh.

You buying this? I do because I felt the same way. And this guy though? I mean, well, I don't know. He does cook. I mean, I felt the same way. Brody Stevens is a perfect example where when I first met Brody, I fucking hated him. I was scared of him.

Why did he always make you laugh? I always loved Brody. I don't get it. I knew Brody before you. I was scared of him. I always loved Brody. I don't get it. I knew Brody before you. He made me laugh from day one when he was barking at the comedy cellar. I knew him from opening for the Man Show. He was the audience warm-up guy. And he was just

really hard. I remember he was just like we were slaves. Screaming at us. I just remember he was just screaming at us. I think you were probably way too high and you fucking freaked out. Well, then I met him a couple months later at the comedy store with you and I got to see him and then it was like, all right, I see what he's doing here. He's just Brody.

He used to bark outside the comedy cellar to get people. He worked for them. And his job was to get people in the seats, you know, come on, two for one. And he was so fucking funny barking people and people comedy downstairs well that's where i think he's like at his best like he like has a warm-up he's like the greatest warm-up ever he's really fun the way he does it and when you you know like when you see a guy like that just completely ad-libbing one of

the best shows i've ever seen best sets you ever see a you know you know when you see a guy like that just completely ad-libbing. One of the best shows I've ever seen, best sets. You know when you see a show and it's a late show and there's many comics have been up and it seems like the room's dead. And then one guy comes in and just with magic just runs around the room. Brody Stevens took his shirt off and started swinging it over his head while he was screaming for everybody to wake up. The show's not over. And there was like some music playing. And he got on stage and he had drumsticks. Did he play the drums?

Yeah. The drumsticks. But it was the way he did it. Like it was all ad-libbed. He just went with the flow of things and took the audience on a ride. You know why? If you talk to Brody, he's truly in the moment. Yeah.

It's all about that show right there. Oh yeah. It's not about, uh, well, I already have all those good shows I've done or he's about what am I doing right now? Yeah. And he will, he'll feel like shit after that show if he didn't do well. So he's, he's fucking performing for his life. He's like, I gotta win this crowd.

I have to kill. And there's something about that. I mean, that got to win this crowd. I have to kill. And there's something about that. I mean, that makes him great. Well, he loves it. You know, he loves, he's still a fan of stand-up comedy. Those are the best guys. The guys are the most fun are the guys who actually still appreciate it. Because there's a weird thing that happens when somebody's been doing stand-up for a long time.

And all of a sudden they decide that, oh, I fucking hate it. I hate stand-up. I hate my crowd. I hate this sudden they decide that I fucking hate it. I hate stand-up. I hate my crowd. I hate this. I hate that. And they just don't want to do it anymore. It's like, man, like I really think you need to rethink this. I've gone through phases where it's not that I hate it.

Where I'll go, I hate where I'm at right now. And what happens usually is I start bombing them for a while and it's – I actually welcome like a bombing period, like of like a month of bombing where I'm – A month. Not like bombs, but like I'm an extremist. I'll say I killed or I bombed, and it will just be average. And it – but when I have a bad period, I'm usually about to come into a whole bunch of new shit. Well, you have a desperation. Yeah, I'm just angry about everything and the act, and then I write – with Australia, I have to write a whole new hour every year.

Have to. Cannot go there without a new hour. And I freak out about it. Do you really like going there? Yeah, I do enjoy it. But you're already famous there. I wouldn't say I'm famous. You said you're a crowd there.

Yeah, I've got a crowd, and I sell tickets. But you don't feel like you're there in America? Not. But you want to? Not even close. No, not even close. But you want to be, right? I would love to.

So why don't you just put all your emphasis on that? I probably should, but I've got bills and stuff and Australia pays the bills. How long do you go over there for? This year I only did about six weeks. Oh, okay. Okay. I thought you were like – No, I was doing –

Because Arj, doesn't Arj do like six months or something? Arj is there like almost half the year. I was doing four months for a while. You know, that is pretty badass though if you can actually live in two different countries because Australia is fucking cool as shit.

If you can get used to being over there and that becomes just like home to you. Is it easier to get used to? Like, I've never been there. It's kind of, absolutely. They're like Americans.

It's like – Cooler. I mean, yeah. They won't like me saying this, but it's like the 51st – like they're so in tune with everything we're doing that you just – you would be so comfortable. But they're more relaxed. Yeah, way more relaxed. They're more fun.

They're more relaxed. The men are more like men. The women are more like women. They're less hung up. Yes, very Texas-ish. Very Texas-ish. The best aspects of Texas. 20 million people in a place as big as America.

Yeah, it's ridiculous. So we've got 300-some million people. They've got 20 million. Dude. So it's just a lot easier. You would fucking love it there. You would love it there. It's so nice there.

The shows are fun as hell to do there. The shows are amazing. Yeah, and the UFCs we've done there have been amazing. I really love it there. I've been there. There's a few countries that I would think about living in besides America. There's only two really. Australia is one of them, and Canada is another one because it would be the least amount of altering my life.

Do they drive on the right side of the road? Which side of the road do they drive? No, they're on the other side. That's bad. That's why you gotta live in Canada. When you had David Lee Roth on, I listened to that episode when you were talking to David Lee Roth and he was talking about going to Japan. And I was like, are you fucking crazy?

He's so gangster. He moves in an apartment in Japan. Not knowing anyone. One of the biggest rock stars in the history of the universe. He's taken swords fighting lessons with his dog. I would do that. I couldn't. I almost went to Japan last week.

You could do that, Brian. You know, that could be your life someday. You could easily be that guy. I'm going. I'm not saying you'd be David Lee Roth. No, no. I'm just being clear on that. But what I mean is you could be the type of guy that just decides to – look, one day eventually it's going to be ridiculous that we're all sitting in a room together doing this.

We won't need to. There'll be an emerging technology that's so fucking complete that we'll all be Skyping this. We won't need to have a studio where we show up. There'll be holograms of this. Yeah, this is probably totally old school. So one day, we're going to get to a point where there'll be some virtual place where we all meet to do a podcast and all

we're doing is sitting in front of our fucking laptop slapping a headgear on yeah or something or you know oculus rift or something like that i mean this this ustream setup in itunes is probably going to be archaic in the future i mean being on sirius satellite radio it's going to be archaic in the future it's probably going to be some nobody saw this coming right so who the fuck is going to see what's coming in 50 60 years or less and that's you buddy you're on maui chilling fucking drinking a mai tai taking a month off of life living there still doing podcasts it's possible it's totally possible i i don't plan on being in la very long and i've been trying to figure out what's possible as far as like where could i live where i could could still do – I'd go to Australia.

We were having issues with – I mean my parents are getting old and I want to be near my parents. They're on the East Coast. But I'm still a five-hour flight away. Whereas Australia, I'm 20 hours away. Right. My fiancee, her parents are East Coast. I met her over there. She's an American, but I met her there.

I would probably pick up and leave if we didn't have the families here because I like it that much over there. And also the dogs. Taking my dogs over there, you've got to quarantine them. Right. I mean I'd take them if there was no quarantine and I flew private or something. Okay, so no family and you would just – no dogs. I'm there. You would just fucking live there.

Why not, right? You love surfing. You're there surfing? Yeah, surf every day. There's a lot of sharks there, isn't there? West Coast. West Coast, they had five deaths last year. That's how many are in the world every year.

No. They had it in one year. That is bad odds. There's talk it could be a Jaws. Like, it's the same shark. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah. And they haven't caught it yet no it was just it was

a weird fucking year and i was there this year i went to perth and i looked into going surfing and i was going to go down the margaret river and uh i just went i talked to one dude who used to surf there all the time he goes he goes i think about sharks like one out of every 20 times i'm surfing he goes every day i think about them every day though of every 20 times I'm surfing. He goes, every day. I think about them every day, though. It's been ingrained in us, even though it's such an unlikely incident. It's in my head. Well, a couple of years ago, a guy died in Santa Barbara.

That's like right there. He was north of Santa Barbara. He was near Halama Beach. Okay, you know. It was a surf beach. It was a good beach? I've surfed it, but the crazy thing about it two years before that same day a shark killed a guy same day same day two years earlier you know when the one scares me the most the one in san diego where the swimmers swimming yeah 100 yards out yeah they were pretty far out like a

triathlete yeah they were uh yeah they were they were uh training it's so rare though you other people are all with them they're're all in a line together. They're all training together. And you see this one guy just get cut in half. But – A giant monster. Was he wearing like a brighter swimsuit or anything different than the other? No, he just got lucky. And this fucking thing is like a 16-foot great white.

It's a big shark, and it cuts him right in half. You have a better chance of getting killed by like a cow trampling on you. Stop your nonsense. That's not true because I'm nowhere near fucking cows. Okay. If you're out there in the ocean, you're in shark territory. What about dogs? Dogs kill way more people.

I hate that nonsense scenario. There's a better chance of you getting hit by lightning than killed by a shark. That's true, but that's not true if you're going in the fucking water because most people aren't going in the fucking water. When people say that shit, that's a dumb statistic. there's still millions of statistics does not work you know you have a zero percent chance of dying in a plane crash if you don't get on a fucking plane do you know that yeah sure yeah see that's a real statistic yeah not this nonsense of it's more likely that you get hit by lightning there's a better chance apparently more people die from vending machines falling on them zero percent of sharks occur outside of the water.

No sharks. Not if you talk to Australians. You'll think they fucking fly out of the water. Well, they can. They can fly out of the water. Speaking of which, I saw the other day and I was on Marco Island, Florida. I saw a stingray fly out of the water like five feet out of the water and then back in. And that's how that woman died on the boat in in

uh key west or something she was on the boat and a stingray just came out and fucking clocked her and she hit the boat and died yeah that's like i think it was a head injury yeah my god could you imagine if you were there and you saw that happen when i saw this thing come out of the water i was like what the fuck have you seen those fucking fish that fly out of the water when you're driving by in a boat? Are they swordfish? They're an invasive species. Invasive species. They're a species.

I think they're called. I think it's. Let me Google flying fish. Fish snakeheads or something like that. I think it's a snakehead. I might be confusing my fish what these fucking things do is they fly out of the water

and these people are driving boats and they're like literally launching themselves at you can you hit them with tennis rackets it's crazy I'm gonna see if I can find the very while you're looking for that I know a guy that's been attacked by a shark twice I'm going to see if I can find the very finder. While you're looking for that, I know a guy that's been attacked by a shark twice.

Oh, my God. What is he, retarded? Yeah. Does he hate himself? You can Google him. Ben Van Ng, he was in – friends of mine hooked me up with him. They're like, hey, this dude will take you surfing tomorrow. We were out in a bar, and I was like, oh, cool.

Where are we going to surf? He goes, we'll surf Talos Beach, which is on one side of Byron Bay. And I have stood up at the lighthouse and looked down at Talos. And if you look down, you can see dolphins, sharks, whales, all kinds of shit in the water. I go, I'm not fucking surfing there. And he goes, it's cool, man. I surf it all the time. And I go, no way, man.

Too much sea life there. I'm not going in. And he goes, I've been attacked. He starts telling me the story. I go, I saw you all the time. And I go, no way, man. Too much sea life there. I'm not going in. And he goes, I've been attacked. He starts telling me the story. I go, I saw you on the news. I saw you on the news. You're the guy. He goes, yeah.

And I go, fine. I'm going with you. What are the chances of a most unlikely incident happen to the same? And he goes, well, I've been attacked twice. And I go, fuck off. And he told me another time he was out there and a bunch of makos were frolicking and he'd see them now if I saw that I'm out of the water what's wrong with him and uh he said uh one of them broke free came at him and he just like started like punching at it and like pushing it away and it left him alone but but the the the other shark I think it was a

white pointer uh bit his board and you could see the teeth marks. You can Google and look at the picture. Is it because of internal hemorrhoids or something like that, you think? What? That they came after him because of the blood thing? I cut my foot the other day in Australia pretty bad, and I didn't realize it was bad because when you're in water constantly, the blood's – Google flying silver carp. That's the fish. Flying silver carp are the ones that fly out of the fucking water when you drive your boat. Yeah, apparently it's the little bit of blood that has to be in the water. That's the fish. Flying silver carp are the ones that fly out of the fucking water when you drive your boat.

Yeah, apparently it's a little bit of blood that has to be in the water. That's it. Yeah, it's probably internal hemorrhoids. He might be getting turned out every night. That's why he kept on getting bit. Brian, please. Will you just fucking think about what you're saying before you say anything? Well, if there's a little blood in your butt, that's all it is.

Yeah, apparently it's just a little bit of blood that can... That's all it takes. Like, girls on their period probably should never go in the water with their sharks. Yeah. No, they say that. They say that. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I just don't get it.

I mean I would imagine it would be really fun, but I just can't – I can't believe it would be fun enough to risk. There used to be a rumor that if you piss in your wetsuit, which everyone does, that the urine gives off the same kind of scent that the blood does that attracts the sharks. Because there was a guy in South Africa. You need to see this video. He's riding the wave. He's up, cruising down the wave, up and down on the face of the wave. And two sharks converge on him and grab him by the arm. And they ram into each other, and that's why they let go of him.

See these guys getting nailed by these fucking fish? They fly through the air. And they're all bloody, too. What the fuck? Well, they land, and they get fucking shattered. I like how the guy's just stepping on them. But look at these fucking things. They just fly through the air, man.

They're all over the place. What are they called? Silver? Flying silver carp, and they're an invasive species. See that? Like, as these guys are, look at that. They're just flying all over the place. Like frogfish.

I mean, they literally launch themselves in the air. And sometimes when you go through like a whole school of them and there's like an infestation, like it really can be dangerous. People get hit in the head and shit. And these things are an invasive species. Like they've taken off. They're not supposed to be there, I don't think. And I think, if I remember correctly, somebody introduced them to these areas and now they're just fucking taken off like crazy.

How fun would it be to see another fish out? How funny would it be to shroom or get really baked and just go down here and get attacked? How funny would it be if you died that way? If I was on mushrooms and a fish lodged in his mouth and he choked to death. I think I'd rather die from

a shark attack than one of these things. Look at these fucking things. What a crazy ass fish. Piranhas would be bad. Piranhas would be awful. What is wrong with these fucking fish, man? That's so weird. Did you ever watch Noodle the Catfish?

Yes. Yeah, I love those shows. I was in my fucking hotel room. I forget where it was. And I was bored out of my mind. So I watched an entire episode of this show where they, like, stick their hands in holes and get catfish. If you don't know what noodling is. Their arms are all bloody, too.

Yeah. If you don't know what noodling is, it's the weirdest fucking thing ever. They go through the mouth and out the gill. That's disgusting. And then pick them up. I mean, they're like hundreds of pounds. You know, these fucking silver carp can get to be 100 pounds. That'll knock you the fuck out.

They can get to be 110 pounds, and they fly through the fucking air. They were imported from China in the 1970s for use in aquaculture ponds to control plankton. By the early 1980s, both species had escaped into open waters in the southern states. Wow. This is a fish called a bighead, and the other one called a silver carp. 1980s, both species had escaped into open waters in the southern states. Wow. This is a fish called a bighead and the other one called a silver carp. Here's a dude noodling. This is fucking nuts, man. No established populations

are known. The carp have been caught by commercial fishermen over the last few years. Apparently people started eating them. Is that what an invasive species is when they bring it in? Yeah. They bring a fish. What is that? Noodling?

Mm-hmm. These guys are so crazy. Because sometimes they get turtles. They reach in there and there's snapping turtles in there. And they get their fucking hand bitten off. Like, guys have gotten fucked up doing this. Jesus. It's like rodeo cats.

Well, some guys really get dragged underwater. Really? Yeah. They get fucked up, man. Because you've got to get a good grip on these cunts. So really, it's such a primal way. That looks fake. That looks completely fake.

Is it fake? I don't know. That looks fake. But some of them... I mean, look. If you grab a hold of a... Oh, my God. CPR! Catch it, I mean, look, if you grab a hold of a, oh, my God. CPR.

Catch a funnel and release it. What is that? All right, go back. Catch a funnel head and release it. Wow, he's letting it go. That's a weird, what's wrong with the thing's mouth? Where my parents live in Pittsburgh. Look at his mouth.

What is that? What a beaut, man. What a beauty. It's hard to tell is that? What a beaut, man. What a beauty. It's hard to tell in that picture what's really going on. What a beauty. All right. Wow.

He's going to let that thing go. I don't think that's real. It's hard to tell if that's real. Yes. I'm sure there's some that are online that are real. But grab your arm and put it in the mouth of a 100-pound animal. Yeah. Not going to do that. And it's in its environment

not gonna i don't think people understand how strong a hundred pound catfish is either yeah i mean you ever like catch what's the biggest fish you've ever like 12 inches and it was like oh my god look at the size of these 200 pounds that's what these are why are they so confident they can hold on to these things? These things are still alive. But it's how weird is it that they can hold on to these things? They're still alive. They're in the water. Why don't they just freak out and get free?

Like they're holding. If you don't watch the show, if you're just listening, these two, it seems like Russian, right? Speaking Russian. French. right? Speaking Russian? French? No, it's not Spanish, is it? Is that Spanish?

Yeah, that sounds like almost Italian. Yeah, it sounds like Italian. It sounds Italian. These fucking catfish, these guys, whatever it is, these catfish these guys are holding are fucking boats. They're boats. Yeah. That's a seven foot long... That's the size of a dolphin. Yeah. Exactly.

It's like a dolphin size. It's insane. When they catch those things, man, those things feed a whole fucking village. How are they going to let it go? Look at that. Good for you. They're like, I know where you live. I'll let you go. One day I'm going to call upon you.

I'm going to turn you into sticks. There's the largest catfish ever caught. There's a photo of this. I think it was like Thailand or something like that. They caught this insanely large catfish. I mean, and it shows like this whole like village like participating and cooking and eating this catfish. But it's a whale. I mean, the largest cat – Google that.

Largest catfish. How much is it? I don't know. I don't know. I don't remember. I don't want to even say it because we can find it soon. Catfish. Never caught.

I think it's something enormous like over a thousand pounds here's a 220 pound catfish being caught let's see the nine largest fish ever caught apparently catfish is in that mix which is insane I think the largest fish ever caught is a shark, if I'm correct. I think like a mako shark is like one of the largest fish ever caught. Really? A mako? Yeah. Blue catfish is number nine.

Okay. Ready for this? World record blue fish. Oh, it's not nearly as big as I thought. It's 130 pounds. Okay. That's not the biggest catfish. No, because that one was 200 and something. The one we were just It's 130 pounds. Okay, that's not the biggest catfish. No, because that one was 220 pounds.

Okay. Tigerfish. This is how big the biggest ones get. Tigerfish, 100 pounds. Alligator gar, 230 pounds. Jesus Christ. I'm pretty sure those get bigger than that, too. Largemouth bass.

Wait, sharks, they get thousands of pounds. Okay, this this is it mekong giant grizzly bear catfish the adult nine foot long 646 pounds oh my god mekong giant catfish m-e-k-o-n-g giant catfish that's apparently46". M-E-K-O-N-G. Giant catfish. That's apparently the biggest freshwater. Is this with rod and reel? Pretty sure. I'm not sure. But the biggest fish ever caught is a tuna. And the biggest fish ever caught is 1,496 pounds.

Oh, that would make you some money. It's enormous. This guy's standing in front of this fucking thing. And it's way bigger than him. It's enormous. This guy's standing in front of this fucking thing, and it's bigger. It's way bigger than him. That's some serious cash. Yeah, that's a crazy fish, too. Tunas are just all muscle.

Yeah. They're super gangster, you know? They're just flying around in giant schools jacking other fish. So if you can catch one that's a thousand fucking pounds. That's a lot of money. Imagine a hundred thousand thousand pounders under the ocean just fucking everything up in front of them. And some asshole comes along with a fake fish and just ganks them. Ganks them out of the world.

I went down in the cage in South Africa with the Great Whites. Oh, you silly bitch. And when you see these things coming at you, monsters. Oh, my God. Monsters. Why did you do that? Were you totally, completely convinced that they were going to be able to keep the things away from you? Well, they put you in the cage, and the top of the cage is open to the boat.

So you can, like, climb out of the cage and into the boat. So it's almost like you're in a steel cage aquarium. But you got to put on a wetsuit and a snorkel and everything, and they either run an oxygen thing down to you or you wear a snorkel and you go up and down. You hold your breath, go down, and watch for a while. But you wait for four hours for the sharks to show up. They put fish oil in the water because it's illegal to put chum in the water. They can't do that. Well, weren't there – there was a show that they were filming in South Africa I believe.

Yeah, we were there. We were down at – I forget what the area. We were in I think Hermanus and there's a place like Seal Island or something. Well, they blame these people for a death because they were chumming to get the sharks, to catch sharks on their show. So they made that illegal. But they still put fish oil in the water. It's not the same thing. I think so, pretty much.

And they put fish oil in the water. Look at that fucking catfish. Holy fuck. Oh, my God. It's the size of a dolphin. There's pictures of them. That's the tuna. That's the biggest fish ever caught, apparently.

But these great whites, they were the big fuckers. They were as big as you can imagine. How big do you think the biggest great white is? How big do you think – what's the biggest great white ever caught? Because it seems like a great white would be heavier than a tuna. Probably like 20 foot. Does that make sense? Let's say biggest great white ever caught.

I mean I was looking at ones That were at least 12 At least 12 feet long Yeah How much is a 12 foot long Fucking shark weight Jesus Christ At least 12

These were terrifying Jesus What are those lampreys Okay this is ridiculous Because it's saying that Sharks were caught That were over 3,000 pounds Yeah that's what I was thinking

Yeah this is This is We're apparently looking at Well it might be That's the problem It might be rod and reel Well you read things On the internet That's what I was thinking. Yeah, this is where we're apparently looking at a whale. Well, it might be rod and reel. Well, you read things on the internet. That's the problem.

Wow. What are these lampreys? These are crazy. They have killed a 21-foot. Yeah, that's one of those things that clings onto sharks. They've killed a 21-foot, 8-inch great white shark. That's like one of the biggest ones ever killed. 21-foot? Was that off Montauk, New York?

I'm not sure here. This is actually almost as big as the one in the movie Jaws, which was caught by Vic Hislop in 1985. It was the biggest great white shark ever caught. So in 1985, they caught the biggest great white shark ever. Huh. Wow. Suggestive of even bigger sharks. They also claimed to have caught a bigger one than the one pictured,

but he couldn't land it. So he hooked a bigger one than the 21-foot one. I believe it. I don't like that. Well, I was reading about it recently. Apparently, there's great whites are the ones that do all the killing off the coast of California. They go over to Australia, Hawaii.

They found them over there, South Africa. But there's one out in the middle of the ocean called the oceanic shark. Check this out. These are ones that hang out in the middle of the ocean. And they're like bigger than great whites. Oh, Jesus.

And they don't come to the coastal regions well what the fuck are they they're just a big fucking motherfucking oceanic they're the ones like when guys were getting shot down in world war ii and their planes were like out in the middle of those they're responsible for a lot of deaths because they'll clean up like a a fucking whole shipwreck you know they're the they're the ones that – the great whites are the ones that are right here, right off of fucking L.A. Yeah, they've caught whale sharks before, but whale sharks aren't the same thing. Look up the oceanic shark. Oceanic – I forget what it's like. An oceanic white or something it's called.

The largest great white shark was caught off Phillip Island and and it weighed an amazing 5,085 pounds. I surfed there a month ago, Cape Willamette. Dude. Oh, my God. It was 20 feet, 8 inches long, and it weighed 5,085 pounds. Look at that fucking monster. You look at the size of that goddamn thing. How scary is that bitch?

So oceanic shark, that's what I'm looking at? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Phillip Island, I just surfed there, and they told me when we were going, they said this is known, it's a very sharky area. And I said, why? They said there's a lot of seal breeding. And I went, oh, fuck.

The oceanic white tip shark. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, creepy nature. You're so creepy. Why did you create this? Wait until you go to Alaska. Go see a muskox. What is that?

Look it up. When I saw it. I'm just getting into sharks. I didn't know that they existed. We're driving down the road one day in Alaska and I look over and I see this thing and I go, what the fuck is that? And he goes, oh, that's a research lab

because I was in Fairbanks where the university is. And I go, no, no, what's that animal? He goes, that's a musk ox. And I go, no, you guys just made that up. That doesn't exist in my world. You made that up. And it looks like... we got an issue here, fella.

What? Cause this thing is saying you might have the wrong name. Shark, the oceanic white tip. Yeah. Because this is saying the largest one ever caught was only four meters. I think, I think they're responsible for a lot of deaths.

And that's what it was that I read that they, they stay out in the middle of the ocean. Well, what the fuck? That's a totally different thing. You son of a bitch. Isn't there a bigger shark? Come on. Don't want you Well, what the fuck? That's a totally different thing, you son of a bitch. Yeah, sorry. I fucked up. Isn't there a bigger shark?

Come on. Don, I don't want you to be completely wrong here. That's just sad. You told me about some awesome giant shark out there. Well, no, no. Because I was reading about which shark somebody goes, oh, I saw a hammerhead. And I go, they don't even kill. Okay, let's look up largest killer shark.

So I was looking up which types are the most aggressive because you always hear different stories. I heard bull sharks. Bull sharks are nasty. Tigers, makos. Do you know that bull sharks, the big thing that happened in New Jersey that inspired Jaws? They go up the rivers? Yeah. They go up the rivers all the time. They go up the rivers into fresh water, man.

They found one as high north as Illinois. That show Monster Hunter. Do you remember that? Or Monster Quest. Did you ever see that show? Yeah. In that show, there's a couple things that they unraveled on that show. It was pretty cool.

One of them was bull sharks. Because there was like a myth that sharks had gone upriver into fresh water, like deep, deep into the country. But apparently bull sharks can survive in fresh water. They don't prefer it, but they can survive it. They're nasty too, apparently, bulls. They're the ones that will attack you not for food.

They're just dicks. Yeah, they're evil, man. They're evil. They're really, really aggressive sharks. What else is really – tiger sharks. Yeah, tigers are nasty. Oh, there's a video that was on the internet. Somebody sent me of a bunch of tigers.

It's in Broome, Australia, where a whale beached up – it's like in a foot of water, a foot of water. And these makos are all just eating the fuck out of it. And they're flopping around in like a foot of water. And you're like, wow, they'll go into a foot of water. And these girls are all like taking pictures and stuff. And they're getting too close. That these sharks, but they're just feeding on this whale, just like eating the sides off of it.

Yeah, I've seen shit like that. You know, the creepiest thing I've ever seen animals feeding is a pile of komodo dragons have you ever seen that no dude god brian google komodo dragons uh feeding frenzy because they it's like it's like walking dead have you ever seen walking dead the movie yeah the tv show yeah yeah you know how the zombies yeah they'll collapse on a body and it's just all of them like just in a mass trying to rip this body apart and pulling chunks out. Komodo dragons. This is just one image. This is just a few of them.

This is a small group. This is only three. I'd rather die by shark attack. I've seen the image. Yeah, the Komodo dragons. That's a bad way to go. But Komodo dragons. There's images online if you look in Google.

Did you ever see the images online? If you look in Google, you can find one with a shitload of them. I don't know if this is fake, and I know a lot of people have probably seen it. Please don't send it to me again because I actually deleted it. I rarely don't look at things, but it was like a bunch of drug dealers took a guy out into the middle of the fields. That's it. These Komodo Dragons all stacked on top of them. There's an even better one than that. If you look a little further down on that Google image search, there's one a little further down. It's just so ridiculous.

I don't want to die like that. Oh, they're ruthless, man. Well, these drug dealers took a guy out into the middle of this field. I don't know what they did to him. I think they – I don't know if they behead him first, but then these vultures come and just pick away at his body. And it's a series of photos showing you the beginning to the end, and it's just a skeleton. Have you ever seen one of those Tibetan sky funerals? It's actually a religious thing.

No, no, no. He's talking about a different thing. He's talking about people. There's two ones. What you're talking about is the Tibetan sky funeral. What he's talking about is them torturing and killing somebody and leaving their body to vultures. But there's two different things. What's the Tibetan sky funeral?

People do it to people they love. Oh, great. They take their body when they die, and they cut it up, and they feed it to vultures, and they actually film it. They film it and take photographs of it, and people request it. They say, look, if I die, I want you to feed me to the vultures because at least then your body goes – it's used for something. And they go hardcore with it. They smash up the skull after the vultures go through the body. They smash up the skull so that the vulture eats that too.

Don't Google image search it. It's gross. Google image search it. Pull it up. We'll end with that. Did you have Kenny Hotz on your show? Kenny versus Spenny? No.

No. Comedy Central show that used to be on the air where they'd compete against each other? Yeah. No. I had him on my show. He's some fucking maniac. He, on one of his shows, he does all these crazy shows, he ate a human body. What? Yes. He had, uh,

they grinded up teeth. He ate teeth. He ate skin. Uh, he's a maniac. He's a hilarious guy. Why would he do that? Because he's crazy. Ooh. Watch the, watch the, watch some of the YouTube videos of Benny vs. Benny. He had this one that they always compete against each other.

And one was who can eat more meat. And he was grinding up meat and making meat shakes this is the bet in sky funeral and there's worse where it's just like a side view of a person's face this guy they tie him down too so the vultures can't carry him off so they have to finish it right there tie him down the vultures go through him then they untie him smash up the bones they have a whole bunch of them come down too. But no, you're already dead in that one. If I might – yeah. Well, I still –

Some people want to die that way. They want to be dealt with. They want their corpse to be dealt with that way. Might as well make a spectacle. Well, the way we do it is really weird. We poison the body so that nature can't consume it nearly as easily. So it's like you could dig someone out of a hole that's been there for like a year. Like taxidermy.

Yeah. Well, when you watch that show, like those autopsy shows where they have to exhume bodies, a lot of times they're doing it. And the person is a fucking year plus in the hole. And their body is still there because you formaldehyde the shit out of it. Well, the funeral too, The open casket funeral. I don't think there's anything creepier. Oh, it's weird. I don't know.

I don't know why anyone does it. Have you had anyone you know? Oh, fuck yeah. I grew up Catholic, and they do that. And I'm like, stop. How many have you been to? A lot. Yeah, that's fucking gross.

It's so gross. But it's weird that it's the standard. You know, I'm pretty sure they make you embalm someone even if you're going to cremate them. Really? I think so. I don't think they go straight cremation, right? Isn't that the case? No, I don't think so.

Okay, I think you're wrong. I get creeped out. I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure he changes his subject. Because Joey Diaz has a friend that is actually an undertaker. They might drain the blood, but they probably don't replace it with a mom. Do you know how they drain the blood? I think they have to for sanitary reasons.

They put them on the table to drain the blood. I don't know why I'm talking about this. I hate this shit. There's a story. I got a friend of mine a job at a funeral home. I knew a funeral director, and I got this guy a job when we were in college. He's Jewish,

and he had never been to Jewish funerals. They don't do that. He went to the funeral home. He was working there washing cars, watching the hearse and the limos and everything. One day the guys that he worked with the first day said, hey, go in that room and get some more sponges. He goes in the room. It's the embalming room, and there's a body on the table, and they cut them at like the wrists and the ankles i think and just let the wrists and like legs hang and so all the body all the blood drips and the floor is like a graded floor that just catches all the blood underneath you know there's

drains underneath so he walks in the room and sees them just sees his body and just fucking loses it and runs off. Quits the job. Doesn't even go to pick up his check one day. He was like, fuck, that's haunting. Here's the answer to that. There's no state law that says a body must be embalmed before cremation. It's a bit more complicated. Some states require that a body be buried, cremated, embalmed, or refrigerated within a certain amount of time.

So what happens, though, is that funeral homes will rip you off. And that if you say that you want to get the body cremated, if they get a hold of it before, you know what I mean, someone's body gets brought to a funeral home, if that happens, a lot of times they try to sell you on embalming the person before cremation. They just tell you it has to be done, but it doesn't have to be done. And apparently that's like there's a lot of money in taking care of dead bodies. before cremation. They just tell you it has to be done but it doesn't have to be done. Apparently,

apparently that's like there's a lot of money in taking care of dead bodies because people are forced to do something about it. You can't just bury your friends. You're not allowed to. It's not legal.

You can't just say, hey, Bobby died in a car accident. Do you mind if we take him and I want to put him in my backyard behind the apple tree. You can't bury your friend in your yard. It has to be in a funeral home car accident, do you mind if we take him and I want to put him in my backyard behind the apple tree? No, you have to pay license to it.

You can't bury your friend in your yard. It has to be in a funeral home or rather it has to be in a mortuary, whatever. It's got to be a cemetery. You got to be – it's got to be taken care of in a certain way. You can't just throw him in the hole. You have to embalm him before you throw him in the hole I think for the most part. I think Costco sells caskets. So does Amazon, I believe.

Wow. Amazon sells caskets. I'll never understand that either. The amount of money that's put into them, too. Like, you know, the deluxe bottle. You're putting it in the dirt in an hour. I get it. If you want to.

I mean, how much do people spend on their weddings? You know, some people have these crazy million dollar weddings. Look, there's a coffin. It's like, look, it's the size of a boy. Oh, God. Okay, that is fucking depressing. Please shut that off. Did you watch the Brazilian prank show

where the coffin is in the elevator? No. It's the same one where the little witch comes out of the fucking... That's the best. I haven't seen that either. Oh, it's a fucking great show. It's so amazing. It's the same one where the little witch comes out of the fucking – That's the best. I haven't seen that either. Oh, it's a fucking great show. It's so amazing.

It's fucking great. The best prank ever. Really? They're in the elevator, and the lights go off in the elevator. They got a camera in there. And then a girl – Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

I'll watch it. I'll watch it. It's awesome. I'll watch it online. I'll watch it online. But watch the one with the casket. What's it called again? Just look. Brazilian prank show. Ghost Girl's awesome. I'll watch it online. I'll watch it online. But watch the one with the casket. What's it called again? Just look.

Brazilian prank show. Ghost Girl. Okay. Elevator scary. Ghost Girl. Brazilian prank show. It's amazing. You're going to watch it for hours.

No. Yes. Yes. Watch it. No. No. No. No.

No. No. I don't want to watch it. I'm past that shit. You enjoy it. Have a good time. That's it. Anything to add to the powerful people out there in the world?

Twitter me. Add Eddie Ift. I can't get Twitter followers. I can't get Twitter followers. I think it's spelling my name or that I don't Twitter well. What do you mean? What's the matter? I've got like 16,000.

How dare you? I know. It's ridiculous. How dare you? It's because you're fucking around over in Australia. They don't use Twitter over there. They don't. Do they not?

Some people. It's not as big. It's not as big in a lot of places, too. Like, I notice a lot of people from Texas don't use Twitter. Oh, you're out of your mind. Texas is flooded with Twitter.

Austin, South by Southwest, is a huge fucking Twitter destination. Every person I know from Houston doesn't do it. Really? Yeah. I don't know.

I think a lot of folks, like regular people, they don't want to do it. I mean, for comedians, though, it's gigantic. Facebook, Twitter. All right. Thanks to H facebook twitter all right thanks to uh hover.com go to hover.com forward slash rogan and get 10 off domain name registrations thank you to on it.com that's o-n-n-i-t use the code name rogan save 10 off any and all supplements my t- company, hire-primate.com, for those asking.

We ordered new versions of all the shirts they're in, but the Run JRE shirts are already out. So I ordered a fuckload more this next time, so hopefully that won't happen again. JoeRogan.net,

the tour dates are all up there. So if you're in Alaska or Vegas or Seattle or Seattle or Boston, I'm coming to see you. When are you in Vegas? Milwaukee.

July 5th, Vegas. Alright, that's it. We love the fuck out of you people and we'll be back on Monday. I gotta do my TV show and talk to more crazy people. G-HUGS! I've got to do my TV show and talk to more crazy people. Jihad!