The Joe Rogan Experience - #364 - Tom Rhodes

Episode Date: June 4, 2013

Tom Rhodes is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and TV host. Currently he hosts his own podcast available on Spotify called "Tom Rhodes Radio".

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience Showing my day, Joe Rogan Podcast, my opinion, if you want to like talk about like the – if you had like a romantic, poetic version of the life of the stand-up comedian, you'd be like an intelligent world traveler who literally lives out of a suitcase, man. He's just happy going from city to city just making people laugh but smart and well-read. You're like – you're a very poetic dude. You're like – like no one could criticize your road game there's no nothing they can say like no like oh man i did 300 dates that's here well that's right tom rose did 365 okay and they were all in another country you fucking out there

dude uh you know i'm i'm living the life i dreamed of man and i just i just fell in love with a new country i was in well and and I should start out saying Death squad Joe Rogan listeners man. I was in London in January Loads of people came to my show in Australia, New Zealand. I always meet cool people you know heard me on on your show and I was just in New Zealand for a month and I had the greatest trip of my life I did the the Aucklanduckland the new zealand comedy festival in auckland for two weeks and then i did this like best of the fest tour that went all over

uh the country and i'd never been in new zealand before what's it like it's epic it's it's uh hobbit like i went there i went to hobbiton it's there there's a town there called hamilton and everybody all the comedians made fun of Hamilton. Hamilton is like the shithole. Right. It's the Cleveland or whatever. I actually loved it. I had some of the best meals, the food in all the restaurants in New Zealand.

It's really expensive, but very good. I had great meals. There's a street in Hamilton called Victoria Street, and there's a little tiny park, and there's a statue to riffraff. Remember Rocky Horror Picture Show? Let's do the time warp again. Right. That guy, Richard O'Brien, that played riffraff, he wrote that song. And so there's a statue of him, like this gay dude with pumps and like a space suit

and a space gun in his hand. And it's very appropriate that all the people who do drugs, it's like this drug park and the people are slipping in it, real street urchin drug addicts slipping in and out of the place. But I thought it was brilliant that they had this statue at the entrance of the park where people do drugs. So the tour manager, I told her they were – because New Zealand is the land of extreme sports. I wouldn't jump off this fucking chair. And I said the only thing I want to do while I'm in New Zealand is go to the Hobbit House.

So she contacted the dude that ran the place and got him tickets because all those tour, all those festival shows were sold out. And we got a private tour of Hobbiton. It's still there. What does it look like? Does it look – It's up on the hill. It's perfect.

There was a – when Peter Jackson was looking around New Zealand, he had to find this big tree. It's the party tree of Hobbiton. And so it's this perfect spot that the guy found. So it was a real tree that was there. It's still there. It's this massive, beautiful tree, and there's these hills all around it, and they built the little Hobbit houses into the side of the thing. Do people guard them? Like how do they keep people out of the fucking way?

No, they do tours. It's like 70 bucks you go on a tour, but we got a private tour from the dude that runs the place. Oh, wow. And so normally on the tour, you can't go up to the doors and stuff. You got to stay behind the little tiny fences. But this dude let us. We stuck our heads out of the doors and taking pictures. And it was raining.

There wasn't very many people there. But it was incredible. And then there's a little tavern. What do the insides of those things looks like nothing Because they had the sets built in Wellington. So they just would film people going in and out That was a stupid but there's the fence that Bill Bell Baggins jumps over the fence at the beginning. I'm going on a great adventure and the dude let me jump over it

Oh, that's fucking awesome Wow Yeah, I've never been in new zealand but it looks insane it looks so beautiful it looks like incredible like the mountains then the north island uh which they say is the the lesser spectacular uh i thought it looked like california like northern california and then the south island is like that's where all the majestic lord of the rings shots are and that's really stunning down there. Wow. Wow.

And why do you say that they're like the kings of extreme sports? Well, they invented bungee jumping. Really? Yeah. That was invented in New Zealand. And all these like crazy, they're all into this crazy, you know, anything extreme. Why is that, you think? They're just warrior people?

Yeah, I think it probably goes back to the Maoris and their manliness. And that's the cool thing of New Zealand, too. They got that manly Maori thing. I saw a dude, very tall, handsome Maori guy, about 25, walking down the street in Auckland, and he had that tattoo on his face. Oh. And it was a couple of Maori comedians and people that worked at

the club where I was playing in Auckland and I was asking them about it. I should point out that you're covering your mouth like a gas mask. Yeah, that's what it was like. Like an ink gas mask. Exactly, precisely. And I asked about it and they were like

oh yeah, that dude's very important in his tribe. He's like a, you know, but he was like a youngish dude. He's very important, so he tattoos his mouth. I, you know. But that's, it's just an ancient, ancient tradition. Ancient. Yeah, I saw women with facial tattoos, Maori women, little tiny things, which must be badges of honor somehow. Oh, that's a crazy culture.

They take it to the next level. They're like, how about we all tattoo our face? Right. Yeah, how about that? Yeah, I wanted to find out if, you know, how they felt about the Mike Tyson copy. Like if he's like, they think he's a punk. There's a bodybuilder that did it too.

That has the Maori thing? He had the very Mike Tyson-like gigantic dude. He's got it on his face. You got to do the dance. If you're going to get the facial tattoo, you know like the – The haka? Yeah. Isn't that cool?

They dance before their opponent and grunt at them? Yeah. My friend Stefan turned me on to that. He sent it to me. The first time he sent it to me, it was like it's a beginning of a rugby match and these New Zealand guys. The All Blacks. Oh, my God. It's so intense it's it's

like the manliest shit that humans have ever done other than like fight with swords that's like the manliest shit you could do is that dance yeah have you seen it brian pull it up pull it up the haka dance yeah let me see if i could find like a good version of it because there's a black and white i think it's an adidas ad for like adidas rugby equipment yeah it's just says the haka war dance rugby it's the first one if you just i love it and you know the maoris uh you know they were never like colonized they like constantly fought the british when the british came like i read the history of australia there's a great book by robert hughes called uh the fatal shore and it's all read the history of Australia. There's a great book by Robert Hughes called The Fatal Shore, and it's all about the epic founding of Australia.

I hear these guys are doing it. Yeah. Was there a beginning? Yeah, we missed it. We missed the dance. They just showed a little... Oh, no, they... Oh, there you go. Oh, the dance keeps going? Yeah, yeah missed it. We missed the dance. That's what they just showed a little. Oh, no. Oh, there you go.

Oh, the dance keeps going? Yeah. Yeah, it's, yeah. There's something terrifying about that kind of energy. Yeah. So imagine, you know, like the Aboriginals in Australia, what I was going to say from that book, they were very friendly when the British and the convicts came. And they're like, you know, rushed out to the boats and bringing them fruit and stuff. The Maoris did nothing but attack these motherfuckers.

Imagine you're coming from England and you get off and these native people are doing this dance to you and they like were bashing their heads with rocks and just hiding in caves and guerrilla warfare to the end. I mean, imagine you're like some white dorky dude from England and your ship arrives in New Zealand. These motherfuckers come out of the cave and do that grunt dance at you. With tattooed faces. I would get back on the motherfucking boat. Could you imagine if that's your fuck up? Because that's what it was back then. I mean, when they were exploring new countries, there was a it was just like, you're going to pull into this harbor

and let's see what's up. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. These people, they've never seen a white guy before. You've never seen one of them before. Yeah, like Captain Cook, the guy, he was this great English explorer. I think he found Australia and the Cook Islands. They killed him in Hawaii, the natives there. Fuck yeah, they did.

But he had a good career leading up to that. He did well. He just, you know, he was like, you know, it's hot luck. You never know what you're going to get on certain islands, you know? You're fucked up. Some bring you fruit. Some want to bash your head with a fucking rock. And some will eat you and turn you into a shrunken head.

I finally figured out what the shrunken head was. I watched a show on shrunken heads, like the tradition of doing it. Only you would do that. You're lying around your house. Well, I couldn't help it. What will I entertain myself

with? No, it was a total channel flipper. How about shrunken heads? It was a total channel flipper. That shit's creepy too. I landed on, yeah, it's creepy as fuck, man.

I was under the impression that the skull is in there. It's not. They take the skull out and they're basically shrinking the skin down to to this leather-ish, small-ish thing. And then they pull it and make it like a little purse out of it. It's gangster as fuck, dude. I mean, the shrunken head move is one of the most gangster things ever.

They're not just going to take your head and cut it off. They're going to make a little ornament with it. It's going to be a coin purse. Yeah, it's a little leather ornament. Wow. What the fuck, man? That's people who just never bothered with anything like books. Fuck a book, okay?

We're here to make shrunken heads. Well, that was like television and the internet. You think about it. Because back in the old days in England and the way they tortured people. You look at torture instruments. It was because they didn't have television. Yeah. Like how are we going to entertain ourselves?

Well, that's funny because, you know, Biden is imposing or encouraging, endorsing, proposing a tax on the producers of violent movies. Wow. Violent movies, violent media, violent video games. And they're considering imposing a tax, a special tax on that. I think the opposite. I really believe this, and this is not an indictment on the human race. I think naturally we're just a little fucked up and chimpanzee-like. seeing things like violent movies and violent video games are probably like the most cathartic ways to avoid doing those things in real life like there's something to get satisfied without us

having to actually go and kill someone in a war that's one of the reasons why the most passive people in the world are fucking comic book nerds i mean who the hell wants to see damage and destruction more than a comic book nerd going to watch a h who the hell wants to see damage and destruction more than a comic book nerd going to watch a Hulk movie? You go watch the Hulk and he's smashing and destroying shit or Wolverine stabbing dudes with their fucking claws. Yes! Meanwhile, those guys want her to fly.

Right, right, right. That's a really good point. The average dudes who are really into heavy-duty sci-fi and heavy-duty action sci-fi and heavy duty action you know action sci-fi films those kind of dudes they're not harming people I think there's a cathartic release in being attached to extreme things without having to

actually participate in them that's a good point and they should be concentrating on making society a better place and like certain yeah man some of the inequality and um you know class i think once you're fucked up already a violent something or another any kind of violent media can influence you and can excite you but the reality is you have to be that you have to be fucked up for it to work and the idea concentrating on that as a cause it's not a

cause the cause is you got a mental health issue. Right. That's the thing. We should be more concerned about people's mental health. That guy, Andres Breivik, the lunatic in Norway that shot the island, he desensitized himself for a year. He sat in his mom's basement. And I followed that. I was obsessed with that trial. And that dude is so fucking sinister. But he thought about shooting people while he was doing it and that he would desensitize himself, that it wouldn't – he could work past that consciousness telling him not to do it. So, I mean, that guy was just a sick fuck. Yeah, and that does happen. Not everybody that plays – millions of people probably played that World of Warcraft or whatever the fuck he was into.

But, you know, only... Yeah, you can't blame that. It just doesn't work that way. It's like blaming cars for crashing into people and killing them. It's not the video games that's making people nuts. You got nuts that are reacting to video games. And the way to solve that is not take away the video games or tax the video games. The way to solve that is find out what the fuck is wrong with people that makes them

do that. What is it? What is it that makes a person able to commit horrific acts against strangers? Right. Look at the dude in Cleveland. He kept those girls. Yeah. You know, he's torturing them and he's raping them for like 10 years.

10 years. What media was he into? Yeah. What magazines was he reading? You know, Boy's Life? Yeah. Boy's Life. years what what media was he into yeah what magazines was he reading you know what you know um you know boy's life yeah yeah well or i don't think it had anything to do with that i think someone dehumanized him probably a long time ago someone raised him in some horrific environment they created a monster right somehow or another, through circumstance, nurture, nature, whatever. You got a monster. I'm more scared of

ex-military than I am of people that play too much hardcore video games. And you should be. Yeah, you should be. You should be scared of anybody who's taken life. Once you've taken someone's life and done it to a point where it's sanctioned, yeah, it's problematic. Not everybody has the discipline to handle something like that.

You know, a lot of that's... You know, it's problematic. Not everybody has the discipline to handle something like that. It's admirable how many guys can be disciplined to come back from that and be okay. But for a lot of people, no. A lot of people, it's just that PTSD, man, is just PTSD is MDMA, is ecstasy. And they're having headway in doing that in therapeutic applications of MDMA. And they're helping people that have all sorts of PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, for people who don't like acronyms. That's not even an acronym, is it? Is an acronym like NASA when you say it? That's an acronym, right? I don't like acronyms. That's not even an acronym, is it? Is an acronym like NASA when you say it? That's an acronym, right? I don't know. What is it when it's just like CIA?

You're not calling it Chia. I can't spell restaurant. Don't ask me. Yeah, restaurant. I rely on my iPhone for that. I get to R-E-S-T-U-R-E. Yeah, man. Remember when you used to have to fucking write out a paper

and turn it into school? You used to have to fucking write out a paper and turn it into school? You used to have to write it out and know how to spell each and every one of those words? Now I just get close, and it gives me a real good squiggly line. I do a little right quick. I'm like, yep, that's what I was looking for. And that's all you need, too. It's not like you need to know that. Well, it's kind of funny how little you do know, though.

It's kind of funny how little you do know though it's kind of funny how little you know like my eyes are uh going uh when i look at things like as far as uh like the reach of my hand i'm fine but when i get close for whatever reason like reading things close it's just blurry as And when I see things, I have to find the place where it works. You need hipster glasses, dude. I don't know why you don't do it. I think glasses are cool. If I could wear glasses for a reason, I would wear glasses every day. I don't remember what my point was.

What were we talking about before I went into those glasses thing? Video games, torture, people, soldiers combat and have an ecstasy treatment. The shark that was found off the coast of Huntington Beach might be a world record breaker shark. Did you see this? Shark that was found? Yeah. All right, check this out.

It was caught off of... Oh, Jesus. It's an 11-foot shark was caught Monday morning outside of Huntington Beach in Catalina Island. Look at the size of that fucking thing. 1,323 pounds. What the fuck? Wow. Oh, god damn it.

This guy's beard is fantastic. It is. That world, if that thing could fucking fly, okay, if sharks, instead of swimming around in their 3D realms, if they could fly, if they were on our world and they could just fly around and eat people the way they move through the ocean, goddamn, would it be scary. The ocean is so much more fucked up. That's why nothing ever gets done. That shows that there's a benefit, like, as far as progress, to having one intellectually superior species that gets to control the food chain, that gets to put a halt to all the bullshit and then figure out things like

roofs and the internet and cars. Because if you can't keep those things from eating you, you wind up with the ocean. When no one ever builds a fucking house, your best ocean is like a fucking one of those crabs, those hermit crabs. They just scoot to the next little shell and climb under it. But that shell only exists because somebody ate whoever was living in it. Somebody found it and ate it. Now you're going to hide in there.

You're going to hide inside of his body cavity. That's the ocean. That's why there's no one that's fallen in the ocean. Nothing gets done in there. It's a constant move. It's 3D. You can't control things. The thing that made us able to rise above all the other animals, we are the control

and lock down areas and put up fences. We can keep things out. Can't keep anything out in the ocean, bitch. The ocean is just the ocean. It's just a wild grab bag and there's no way to solve that. So all the dolphins in the world, as smart as they are, they're supposed to be as smart as us. They never figured out a fucking house.

They never figured out how to build some shelter where they could just like, I'm tired of getting eaten by sharks. How do you guys want to do this? Let's make a house or something. Like something where the shark can't get through. Barb Ware. They can't do it. There's not enough time. Keep moving. Keep moving. Get more fish. Go, go, go.

Japanese boats, fucking run. You should turn that into a bit. That's brilliant, man. Thanks. Make a note of that one. That's brilliant man thanks yeah try and make a note of that one okay that's brilliant that's a great bit all right what did i say again what if in the future we had to live underneath the ocean because you know the air pollution or or the weather or something like that forces us to have to build how you think we would do that before outer space i think, because it's closer.

I mean, you could be like, you could say, hey, we need to build this house underground here instead of having to go up space. Oh, you forgot the wrench. You have to come back. Wow. We'd get lonely. Yeah.

That'd be pretty badass, though, if our walls were just looking inside underneath the ocean. Think of how much shit eats things with its face in the ocean. Just think of how crazy the ocean is it's just one big motherfucker trying to eat a smaller motherfucker while an even bigger motherfucker tries to eat him like that's one of the coolest things about catching a fish and having it get attacked by a shark while you're reeling it in have you ever had that happen yeah no reeling it in while a shark is biting it no yeah me neither

but it looks awesome. That's something I'd like to experience, but I've seen guys do that in deep sea fishing. They catch a big tuna or something like that, and as they're bringing it in, a fucking shark attacks it and tears it in half. Have you ever seen the pictures and the images online? Yeah, I think so. It's fucking fascinating because that's the ocean. It's just a fucking crazy gangster fight with your face all day. The biggest shit trying to eat the biggest shit. I mean, a tuna is a bad motherfucker.

Yeah. Just running around jacking smaller fish. But not small. Nope. Shark comes along. Boom. Jacks the tuna. It's just a wild race.

We pull the sharks out. We're the top of the food chain. I love when I lived in Holland, the symbol of the lottery in Holland is a big fish eating a little fish. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's true. It's life. You got money.

You're a big fish. For a little while, until your fucking crazy ass loses it. I bet if you win the lottery, I bet you're just immediately assaulted by con people. Yeah. I bet con artists just look for someone who won the lottery and like, this motherfucker thinks money comes easy. I'll just talk him into investment. I got a wonderful investment opportunity.

Right. Don't go on television. Don't take pictures of you holding the big check. Yeah. Wonderful, wonderful opportunity. Holding this money that you think you deserve. The whole idea of the lottery is fucking ridiculous well they said the money was originally supposed to go to education in this

country and then all yeah none of it you know what they realized the more educated people are the less likely to play the fucking lottery they'd be cutting their own right but that's how they sold the united states that the lottery thing remember that is that what it was yeah and as it went state by state and gambling where it's allowed they always sell it to the public saying that the biggest portion of this money will go to education and the schools and everything. We've been broke for the last 10, 20 years. And, you know, where's that? Where's that promise? Nobody remembers. Well, it certainly should go to something good because you're just stealing money from crazy people.

That's what you're doing. You're giving people the chance to throw money away in the very unlikely possibility they might win some. I grew up in Orlando, and there's the East-West Expressway. And it was a toll road. And they said when they built it in the early 80s that once it was paid for, they'd take the tolls down. But they never did. Now they've raised the prices, and it's like that lottery casino thing. It's like you can sell it to the people, and then they'll fucking forget 10 years from now.

Once you establish that money is coming in, it's very difficult to stop that. No one ever like builds a bridge. I want to make things free now. Nobody ever has enough. Especially when it's like $9 a pop. Like you go over to GW. I think in New York now, it's like, correct me if I'm wrong, I think it's like $9 or at least. It might even be more.

But every time you're going there, you're getting a hit. When I was living there, I think it was like $7.50 or something like that. And I was like, this is insane. Like every person that comes over this bridge has to pay $7 just to get into the city. That's like some gangster shit you know because i lived in boston and boston you could take like toll roads but you could also get to it like there's ways to get where you didn't have to pay anything if you didn't go on the mass turnpike like there's ways you can go where you didn't have a toll but there's no way of getting in new york city unless you're paying somebody you want to take those bridges from staten island

you're gonna pay me bitch you're coming in from jersey pay me you're paying somebody. If you want to take those bridges from Staten Island, you've got to pay me, bitch. You're coming in from Jersey, pay me. You've got to pay to get in here, dog. It's like an amusement park ride. It doesn't cost anything to leave. I've lived in New York twice and deleted all of my funds. Both times when I moved out of New York,

as I crossed that free bridge, I thought, it doesn't cost anything to leave. Isn't that fascinating? Is it to regulate how many people come in? Is it to mitigate traffic and to make it problematic? Does it cost so much money? Maybe a carpool? Is that the idea?

Can I tell you a little story? Sure. Tell me a big one. It is a big story, actually. And I was reminded, but you're talking about the George Washington Bridge. And when I was 20 years old, I lived in Washington Heights for a year worse year in my life why just the worst year in my life I wasn't ready as a comedian how old me 20 yeah you know I'd only been doing it like three years you know I didn't have

been doing it three years by the time you're 20 I started at 17 big where'd you start Orlando powerful Orlando produced a couple of good things. And anyway, so I always swore if I ever had any money, I would live in New York with style. So when my sitcom was finished, 98, 99, I moved to New York City and I got a rock star apartment in the Wall Street area. Oh, you did not. Considered one of the first skyscrapers ever built. 20 stories tall. It's at the entrance of Wall Street. The entrance of Wall Street.

Trinity Church is right there. Only on the 18th floor were there marble balconies. I had three marble balconies. I was on this corner unit, just pimp spot. Oh, my goodness. Three blocks from the World Trade Center. Oh, my goodness. 16-foot tall World Trade Center. Oh, my goodness. 16-foot tall ceilings.

I could lie in my bed, look up at the World Trade Center. Must have been insane. It was fantastic. But it was a time in my life, you know, the sitcom had ended. I fell. I was angry. I was angry. And I was searching for meaning and what was important in life.

What was making you angry? I just, you know, I had the sitcom and it didn't work out. And then I just, you know, I wanted to just go focus on being a comedian and live in New York. So the Dalai Lama was going to give a speech for free in Central Park on happiness. For six months, I had the flyer on my refrigerator. Nothing in the world was going to make me miss the Dalai Lama speech on happiness. So the night before, I'm headlining at Caroline's on Broadway, and there were these two Puerto Rican lesbian strippers.

And they loved me and they stuck around after the show and they wanted to talk to me and we're we're talking and then they they invited me out with them and you know what uh there was the queen bee and the other girl the other girl was off limits because she had a boyfriend I didn't give a fuck about the other girl it was all about the queen bee and the other girl was in love with the queen bee because she was making all. I didn't give a fuck about the other girl. It was all about the queen bee. And the other girl was in love with the queen bee because she was making all the decisions and making everything happen. Wow.

So the queen bee had a car. We're driving down to the village somewhere. They said they had ecstasy. Do I want to do ecstasy? And I'm like, hell yeah. And we go to some lounge and we're drinking Pinot Grigio on ice. And I had never had Pinot Grigio in my life. And to this day we're drinking Pinot Grigio on ice. And I had never had Pinot Grigio in my life.

And to this day, I love Pinot Grigio because it reminds me of this evening. It's a perfect, you know, like red wine is an autumn, winter thing. But a dry white wine like Pinot Grigio is great in summer. So we're drinking and we're having a great time. And, uh, you know, after about an hour, you know, this ecstasy starts thumping and this girl, the queen bee wanted to go to some dance club. We go to some dance club in Soho. It's packed. I didn't want to be at a packed dance club. I want to be with these girls. She knew the DJ. We get up these steps. We're in this private area behind the DJ. No one can see us. The DJ's

like 10, 15 feet in front of us, just like jamming. And the place is packed downstairs, but you can't see them. And we got this horseshoe leather couch and we're just rocking and she's got more bottles of Pinot Grigio on ice. And we're just fucking dancing and grinding on each other. And we go back to my apartment at about five o'clock in the morning something like that and you know we dance on my furniture and we're playing music and stuff and we got in my bed and honestly there was no sex uh we had our bottoms underwear on and it was so tender and just caressing and kissing and tasting of flesh and touching of private areas. And at one point, the queen bee got up on her knees.

And she starts French kissing this other girl. And she's rubbing her mound while she's just kissing her. And I got behind the queen bee. And I just started kissing this big beautiful brown bulbous ass and I I got my hands up on the top curvature of it and I pulled her panties aside and I stuck my nose in her honey pot I'm just tasting these delicious flesh rose petals and I overslept. And I missed the Dalai Lama speech. That sounds better. No, you win.

You win. Why would you even think that that would be a bad thing? The Dalai Lama. It's a joke, Joe. But it's a true story. But it's not a joke. It's actually a true story. It's a story.

The Dalai Lama represents an interesting point of view, and that's it. You know, the idea that this guy is a holy guy. Right, you don't need this guy to find out what happiness is. There's, the idea of a one, a one figurehead like that is kind of preposterous to the idea of enlightenment. The idea, especially if you're dealing with a guy who dresses like a wizard and doesn't fuck. He doesn't get to have sex. He's never had sex. I mean, he could if he wanted to, but he thinks it complicates things.

I feel bad for the Dalai Lama because Richard Gere always wants to hang out with him. Exactly. That's the worst. You can see the Dalai Lama pulling Richard Gere aside one day going, Hey, Richard, have you ever considered Scientology? Can you imagine the conversations the Dalai Lama must have with, like, Sharon Stone? Where he's like, yeah, uh-huh, yeah, I can't believe they chose her either. Yeah, I mean, look, yes, I don't watch a lot of movies, but you were amazing in Basic Instinct.

I thought you were amazing. And they didn't think you could pull it off in the second one? You pulled it off in the second one. Did you see this basic instinct too? It's a horror movie. It changed from an erotic film when Sharon Stone was young to like a panic moment. You actually saw it? Yeah.

Fuck yeah, I did, son. I'm a diligent worker when it comes to watching stupid shit that I might be able to make fun of. She's in it, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But she was like 50. And I'm not joking. Did she show anything like yeah she did the whole leg thing but there's a feeling that you get when a 50 year old woman who's trying

like really hard to be sexy like i don't know if she was directed in that way but when you're 50 you realize by the time you're 50 you realize it's mostly all bullshit okay what are we doing here you know we're gonna fuck we're gonna fuck but all this like sultry shit that you might get away with when you're 20, it's because you, you're, you're a spell when you're 20, when a woman is in her young twenties, she, the reason why they have this idea of themselves, it's so inflated, like really beautiful girls is because they're like magic. Like you're around them and your mood changes. You draw towards them. You soften your personality or pick it up or whatever you need to get me to like you a little bit more.

It's like a drug. It's like a fascinating erotic draw. But then when they get 50 and they're still doing the same thing, then it's like, oh, shit. What's wrong with her? Oh, fuck. thing then it's like oh shit what's wrong with her oh fuck so when you see across her legs is like a real moment of panic where I would think about me in my younger days if I was in that scenario I would I would say okay I gotta get the fuck out of here it was that moment 50 year old lady shows you her gapper and then closes the legs over and you're like nope I gotta go right now I am

going that is not the way like a healthy sexually you know confident 50 year old closes the legs over, and you're like, nope, I gotta go. Right now, I am going. That is not the way a healthy, sexually confident 50-year-old woman would fuck you. I can't believe they just had her do it again. That's so lame. That's like Hangover 2 lame. It's so unnecessary. It was so unnecessary. You know, I mean, what's erotic about it? Oh, Hollywood, recycling unnecessary ideas.

Well, I think it's like someone who's never done stand-up trying to craft a joke going, this is going to work, you know? You don't really have a chance to vet it. You just have to put it out there as a movie and hope that people get it. And the first Basic Instinct was really fucking, you know, it was well-received. It wasn't the best movie in the world, but it was kind of fun. You know, it took your interest. and she's sexy as fuck, man. Old Sharon Stone is sexy as fuck.

That woman is structurally perfect. Beautiful, beautiful woman, and a powerful actress. But when you're 50, keep your gabber shut. What else did she do? She hasn't done anything lately. I don't know. She did Sliver. Was that Sliver?

Sliver? That was quite a while ago, I think. She did that one thing where they were interviewing her about the earthquake in China. And she said that she believed, you know, she said, well, maybe it's karma for what they do to Tibet. Because I'm friends with the Dalai Lama's my friend. And it's just like she had to apologize for it. I think it cost her like one of her perfume things or something. But that's just such a crazy way of thinking, that a bunch of random strangers that didn't have any connection.

Huge market, too, man. That's a huge market. You go over there, and it's funny. You go to Europe, you go to China, and you see huge actors that are doing commercials, but they would never do in the States. Japan, right? Japan also, but China and what? De Niro's like on some coffee thing in Italy. Robert De Niro.

He's the like symbol of this, the Sunwell Espresso. That's hilarious. Wow. That's so weird. Yeah. Well, I think it's just. Yeah, like Leonardo DiCaprio does commercials in like Japan. I think, I don't believe that you should take anybody's gag away if they fuck up and say something stupid because I think people can be ultimately –

I'd say back the truck up and grab the money, baby. They might not. Just because they said something stupid. I mean she said a stupid thing. She probably didn't mean it. She probably didn't realize how ridiculous – She has her head so far up in her ass. Yeah. didn't realize she has her head so far up in her ass yeah she would want to her little buddy the

dalai lama to be impressed that she stood up to mean china china's awesome china's great china's a really cool place man well i'm sure china is awesome i haven't been but these are just people there's people that died in an earthquake it's like karma because right right but it's massive too it's like saying you know i mean like the United States is a massive place. Like something happened somewhere. It's just – we're a big land mass. Yeah. So is China.

Well, it's – and again, it's the people who died didn't have anything to do with anything that happened to Tibet. So how the fuck is it karma? Are you saying is that in your vision that the emperor is the overlord and he know he really does have all the people under his spell and they're they're responsible for his actions as well because these are just regular folks i was just in new zealand and the dalai lama is coming there he's i think he's there right now does he always wear that he's doing a little tour yeah he does he's doing a little tour but he wears um uh red lace lingerie underneath it. He's doing Auckland, Christchurch, and Dunedin, and it's the happiness thing.

That was like 99 when my story happened, so that guy's still doing the same act. He's still pushing that happiness show. Nobody's happy. He's saying the way to be happy is to dress like a wizard and don't fuck. I'm not buying it.

He doesn't even get a head, I guess. He's saying the way to be happy is to dress like a wizard and don't fuck. And I'm not buying it. You're not buying it. I'm not buying it. He doesn't even get head, I guess. It just seems like you're wasting your time. Unless I get a lightsaber. I'm not wearing the robe. It seems like you would want someone to make love to, whether it's a man or a woman. Right.

You would want someone. It gets cold at night. But it's also fun. It's a part of life. It's a part of life is expressing affection through your body. It feels good. You know, it's recreational as well. It's good exercise. It's a part of life. It's a part of life is expressing affection through your body. It feels good. It's recreational as well. It's good exercise. It's great.

People say, well, recreational sex isn't healthy. We can have recreational sex. You can. You can. It can be done. People have done it forever. Shut up. Just because you can't handle it. People have. It's not... It's just touching bodies together. Does it get better when you get older though like

do the girls finally go oh yeah we could just have casual sex you know i'm 30 no it sounds like an american thing women in different countries have different attitudes yeah completely different attitudes and it's shocking it's shocking you go to you know you in european countries they're so like well like much more like men like men they fuck like men like they want to do it all the time too it's like a lot of american women it's like i'm gonna break him off a piece every once in a while like they're like they're dog treats or something okay here's okay you did good i have a you know you washed the cars and got the trash and cut the grass all right here's here's your little dog treat man i'm euro trash so weak i just think that it's probably because the people that came

over here like the very first wave puritans they're yeah and i think that that that initial run that initial thing that started off this country somehow or another a fiber of it still fucking sticks and there's a lot of slut shaming and there's a lot of like weak angry people that are like pointing fingers and shaming someone for enjoying something that they enjoy as well you know like slut shaming that's the that is all douchebags any guy that like you like rails on a girl because you've never heard that term slut shaming yeah man that's what it is it's like a guy's a stud if he goes out, hey, we went out to Cancun and we had sex with two different

girls, different girls every day. It was crazy. Wow, Mike, that's the nuttiest weekend ever. But if a girl tells you she fucked two different guys for a week, you'd be like, hey, fucking whore, you're probably gonna get AIDS and you're gonna give it to my brother. I'll fucking kill you, bitch. You know what I mean? It's like, it's

ridiculous. People should be able to do whatever the fuck they want to do. But for some women, they know that that backlash, and not just from men, but that backlash from women, too. Because if women are out there giving it up, you know, like this fucking whore, she'll just fuck anybody. She's never going to get fucking married because she just fucks everybody. Those kind of women make the world go round. They do. You need them all, right? They keep a lot of guys happy.

Well, you know, so you need... And I think there would be a lot less savage killers and fucking lunatics in this country if, you know, women were fucking more loser dudes. You know what would help a lot? Just a little more, you know, putting in general. Legalized prostitution would help a lot. I think legalized prostitution... If you managed legalized prostitution, I thinkitution would help a lot i think legalized if you managed legalized prostitution i think it'd probably lower the crime rate i really do i mean it's

theoretical don't go like fucking citing me as a study but holland does it and the the women have to be tested every like six months and it's uh they pay taxes as well it's you know did you see those two women that were retiring that had fucked for like 50 years no when was that did you see those two women that were retiring that had fucked for like 50 years? No. When was that? Did you see that? No. Oh, my God.

Pull it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did. I told you about it. I don't want to shame them, so let's not show their images. But anyway. It was a news item? It was so depressing.

They just fucked anybody who came through the door for like 50 years. Wow. The Amsterdam girl. They're twin sisters. They just retired. They just sat in the window for like the last 50 years with their oldest prostitutes in Amsterdam.

Wowza, wowza, wowza. Yeah, it's a different... You fucked them. I think we have to recognize that we have a version of how society is. But the rest of the world, which is also exactly like us as far as like technology

civilization laws money exactly i mean basically you're in europe their systems are different you know the the languages are different but everything is modern you know if you're in if you're in um montreal canada or if you're in Berlin, everything is super modern. Right. You know? There's always, it's, everything is, like, we live in a time where, like, there's never been, like, more equality as far as, like, access to information. Right. We all have the same tools. I mean, if you can afford some certain basic things, you know, a computer. Yeah.

As far as, like, information. But as far as money, it's probably like the widest gap ever. Isn't that weird? It's like as far as money, like there's like a small core group, like what they call the one percenters, who have most of the money and then everybody else. That's kind of fascinating. You would think that maybe eventually that

trend will even out? I don't know. Because it seems like the only way, if you looked at it, and this is obviously not looking at the system logically or even educated, with an educated opinion of this financial system, but if you looked at it logically and you step back and you saw, well, okay, this 1% has all this money, but how much access to information is there? Oh, it's not totally transparent yet. Hmm.

Well, when it becomes transparent, these 99% are going to realize how these 1% got so much fucking money. And they're going to go, whoa, you can't do that. And then everyone's going to agree, yeah, they can't do that, right? No, they can't do that. Jesus then everyone's going to agree, yeah, they can't do that, right? No, they can't do that. Jesus fucking Christ. Who let them do that? That's when there's 100% accountability. When you're going to be able to be absolutely sure what someone has and hasn't done.

That's coming. You think so? I don't think there'll ever be the transparency where you can see the workings of the 1%. I think it's going to... I think they've mastered the game. They've got the houses in Switzerland or wherever the fuck they live. But I think technology is the biggest fear to that. You arrive on the building on a helicopter pad.

You don't have to even be in an elevator with the underclasses. But what I'm saying is I don't think they're going to be able to maintain it anymore. Because where is your money? Where is it? Is there a box you can go to? No, it's all ones and zeros on computers now. Your money is essentially just a confidence game. It's like what do you have?

The things that you bought with that money. But that money is just like sitting somewhere. Like it's either stacked in bills, which is equally equally weird you get a bunch of notes and that's that's your money what happens if it burns and you don't have nothing what where's the value like what is this you can't replace them say hey i burnt my 1 million notes can you give me new notes you don't have them numbered off like a fucking hotel key that you lose so you don't you don't have a Scrooge Duck room where you roll around in your gold coins? A Scrooge Duck. If I was Joe Rogan, I'd have a room.

Just a couple grand you could go roll around in. Make it rain on yourself. I think the more information comes out, the more access, the more control the average person has over their own domain, access, the more control the average person has over their own domain, the less likely you're going to have 1% of the people with most of the wealth. It doesn't make any sense. It just seems like that's not how the people would let it be. They would figure out a way around that. Like, that seems like that's, obviously someone's exploited the system and they've made it a

non-fair competition. Like, this isn't like an even exchange anymore. You're getting this insane amount of revenue as opposed to the rest of the population. If you look at this massive group of bankers and industrials, this is an insane amount of money. There's only 50 of you fuckheads. Hold on. And you all party together and wife swap and you have fucking key parties and shit. They're like Air Force pilots.

and you all party together and wife swap and you have fucking key parties and shit. They're like Air Force pilots. They're out there just flying until they run out of gas, going full gangster, making billions like that Bernie Madoff cocksucker. When they snag that dude. Like fighter pilots. Yeah, they're like fucking full gangster right now. The one that still runs out. They know that as soon as there's some WikiLeaks for the whole world,

as soon as everything is it's full 100 transparency and then ultimately voting on the internet that's going to kill them all one world government voting on the internet one one no government voting on the internet is going to be where it's at because it's going to get to a point where people are going to realize that like they're in order to keep everybody from being crazy there has to be a balance and until you balance it out people are going to be crazy because there's going to be inequity. There's going to be people that are eating fucking dirt sandwiches and then people that are throwing half their food away because they're lazy and fat and they just take for granted that their food's at the store in the morning when

they get up. And I think that that, until yet that balances out, there's always going to be some chaos. There's always, that has to like, and the only way that's going to balance out is if everybody has free access to resources. It's like a non-capitalist idea. It's a stupid idea because the reason why capitalism works is because it rewards effort, and effort is what creates things. The harder you work, the more reward you get, the more you become a baller. But the problem is a lot of those ballers, they go, hmm, I like working, but I don't like working this hard. How about if I just rig this thing so it just continues to make me money, even though it doesn't make any sense?

And no one's going to say anything because I'm a rich guy. Ready to go. And that's basically what the fuck happened. It has to be rectified. That has to be – we have to be put in a situation where our – the way we conduct our lives, whether it's finance or government or just behavior, the way we communicate with each other, makes sense for the information that we have in front of us in 2013. And the stock market does not make sense with the information that we have in front of us in 2013. It looks like a crazy, chaotic ride, people screaming at each other on the floor, and it's going up and down, and a buzzer wind rings off.

You've got to stop the trades at a certain time like what the fuck are you doing what are you doing hollering and writing shit down and throwing paper at each other and scream what is this system what are you manipulating it are you calling it as it happens what's it based on is it based on anything tangible is it just confidence is it just can you get a bad rumor out there and crash your stock? And then everybody loses what? The fuck did you lose? What was out there? That's a crazy system.

Right, and our whole system is tied to it. It's fucking bananas. These guys have a bad day and we all go in the toilet. I know there's people like, Joe Rogan, you don't understand the financial system. And that's the ignorance that you show on this show is disgusting. I'm so fucking tired of your pseudoscience. You're right. You're right.

You're right on all accounts. Wall Street always reminds me of the Middle East. It's always a bunch of unshaven assholes yelling at the top of their lungs. I had some friends from back in Boston that went into stock markets. They went into doing that. And so they were savages, man. They were like crazy adrenaline junkie savages. And they wound up being stock market guys.

They wound up being dudes on the floor, screaming and yelling. What is it called? An agent? What is it called? What do they call them? A floor dude? What do they call them? Dorks.

Traders. No, trader? It's trader. Trader, right. The guys on the floor with the pads. It's a crazy system. I don't understand it. I lived around Wall Street.

There's a lot of little late-night dive bars all around. All those dudes are all down there. Is there a system that could be created where money made sense, where the finances made sense? I guess as soon as a company goes public, just that alone, the ability to buy stock in a company and bank that the company does well, and if it does well, you profit. If it doesn't do well, isn't that gambling? It seems like gambling to me, right? Is it educated gambling?

It kind of is. It is, right? Yeah. How come – why is that legal? I don't know. How come the stock market is legal? Like didn't – OK. Like here.

How about Bernie Madoff? Obviously what he did was illegal, right? But like why isn't that like... Do you think he's... Do you think right now, every day, he's gobbling balls with his asshole? Oh, yes. Gobbling balls with his asshole? Yes, don't you?

I think so. I think somebody certainly paid the warden off to give, you know, stakes to the guys who... Do you think he gets fucked? Oh, I think he's just getting pounded. I wonder. He fucked a lot of people. he fucked a lot of people he fucked a lot of people a lot of really wealthy people it's amazing and like children some like uh some like children's cancer fund or something some a few really important charities and shit oh yeah yeah he had a, I mean, somebody is connected in that jail. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm sure.

He was a real sociopath, too. That guy, apparently, when they arrested him, he didn't fucking crack a sweat, nothing. He's just like, yep, all right, let's go. Like, he knew it was coming.

And then when they tore apart his business and they realized what he had done, he showed no remorse. He's like, I'm hungry. I need something to eat. You know, like, it was like...

Oh, wow. He was not... He slept well. He never worried about those people. Wow. I need something to eat. You know, like it was like. Oh, wow. He was not. He slept well. He never worried about those people. Wow. I mean, the kind of intense, intense fucking pain that he caused. All of those people he stole money from. I mean, give a fuck.

Wow. He was just a sociopath. Just done by this system. It's amazing that he pulled it off. That's what's amazing. What's amazing is that the system is so wonky that a guy can just pretend to have money and not really, and just fucking do this weird thing where he moves shit around. Three card Monty with millions of dollars.

With their money. And look, you're rich. Now you're making more money. This is incredible. I am making more money. The more money you keep in, the more money you make. I'll just tell you that right now. Okay. Okay. You fucking push it all in. And so all of a sudden this asshole disappears on you or, or winds up on CNN and you're like, no, we were going to play tennis on Thursday. You know, there had to be at least one dude who was suspicious. Like, man, I think this dude's a crook. There had to be one dude, but he was just getting those, those monthly checks. this dude's a crook. There had to be one dude, but he was just getting those monthly checks and he's like, it looks good.

It looks good here. It looks good. Fuck. He's just looking at those numbers like, look, I'm making money here. I'm making money. I'm making money this month. As long as I keep my money in play,

I'm making money. I'm just going to... Honey, listen, if we push all of our life savings together, we go in for two years as to a 25% return rate, which is what I've been getting. And all of a sudden, CNN, that ugly cunt, walking across the floor of the courthouse, and you're like, no, he stole it all. How can that guy get away with that?

Obviously, he didn't get away with it, but how did he do it for so long? What kind of system do you have? The system is crazy. You need a new goddamn system. I agree. What to do? What to do, Tom Rhodes, as a world traveler? What to do?

Because you're the guy. What do we do? I don't know. My thoughts are childish, man. I think the invention of pockets ruined everything. I think we were happy when we were just naked, running around on the beach, just eating fruit and fucking. You know what I think the invention of pockets ruined everything. I think we were happy when we were just naked, running around on the beach, just eating fruit and fucking. You know what I think?

And then when somebody invented pockets, look at that shiny shell. Oh, look, a pretty rock. And then you start getting all these objects in your pocket. And then you start trading with other people. And then somebody invents paper money. Oh, my God. I think you're right.

Fucking pockets. Pockets ruined everything, man. I think you're right. Fucking pockets. Pockets ruined everything, man. I think you're right, but I also think it's just a stage. We just have to get used to this level of existence. You just have to get used to it. Pockets are a stage? Yeah, you're used to material. You have to get used to managing your obsession with material objects.

But it could be managed. It's still better to have them. It's still way better to have them. It's still way better to have them. It's way better to have them. Well, that's what I like about traveling and not living anywhere is I accumulate a lot less shit. Oh, yeah. I just don't buy.

I mean, I have my essentials, you know, and the things I have, they're the best, you know. You don't ever have, you don't have a home base. No. So you literally, you don't have a place where you recharge for a week, a year and just. No. And I get my mail sent somewhere. Getting sent somewhere. Yeah.

So you're just hoteling it everywhere you go? All the time. Yeah. Well, it depends where I'm at. When my sister was going through cancer treatments, I brought our family closer together. I went to Florida more often. Last summer, I did two months all over Europe. And then I had a week

off and rented an apartment in rome oh so uh and then last november i finished a month in asia and uh me and my wife went to bali for like two weeks so it depends where we're at well i go into new orleans a lot like going to austin a lot you know so do you just do you book yourself do you have yeah yeah yeah yeah you do everything yourself now everything oh wow so you don't use an agent or anything that's so smart at this point well and they didn't forge the relationships with the international people i mean i went to those places so why let some guy send an email and get 10 you know right so do you and then i've been doing my own stuff in the states for like the last five years and do you try to do things other than stand-up you just kind of trying to concentrate

you know i was trying to you know i'm you know i've i got a podcast i've uh i'm trying i'm shooting videos all the time i you know i was trying to sell this comedy travel show idea yeah um now i've heard you know some kind of things similar to that are being made and stuff. So I don't know. I just, I'm just, I'm just trying to make as much art as I can while I'm alive. You know, I just fucking jokes, videos, podcasts. I want to, I've been, you know, writing for the Huffington Post, like travel stuff, but I want to get my, I got great stories. I mean, you know, the Puerto Rican honeypot, that's a good story, baby. So I want to get a book together.

You know, I'm just a one-man comedy art machine. And I'm just trying to fucking, you know. Are you going to store your book in the cloud? Are you going to have it on you at all times? Are you going to store it in the cloud? What do you mean? On your computer. You know, when you send things up to the cloud? Because, I mean, that's more appropriate.

Your ideas should be out there on a server somewhere where you're roaming across where everybody can the countryside no it's not everybody can their password protected yeah you'd actually have a hard cut like some laptops they don't have much storage on them like right like a lot of things people are storing all right they're actually pulling things down from the cloud which the problem with that is that you have to have an internet connection no and that's the thing I got I got me and my oh she's a photographer we both have

extra hard drives we got you know right i got like three hard drives to travel with and just whip stuff on it and you know that we're filming and recording and everything before before the big asteroid hit everyone probably had their shit on the cloud and that's why i wouldn't i wouldn't trust putting something on the system best recipe for disaster yeah i mean look paper is a pretty good recipe for disaster too yeah i mean even the the oldest versions of the bible the dead sea scrolls that were actually written on animal skins like they they uh that's like they have like little pieces of shit they try to piece together because it doesn't last and that's that's only like four or five thousand years old or four thousand somewhere on there i think maybe even a

little older but i mean think about how long how long would a book last it probably wouldn't even last as long as a piece of leather you know a piece of leather that you're writing on probably lasts longer than a book does so like i mean how many you know how many years would a book last we gotta go back to rock and what the fuck you going to do with little tiny SD cards? You get an SD card, and that's where you're storing all your shit. Who's going to, in the future, they're going to find that and go, what the fuck is this? Yeah, I wonder what that is now for us, like arrowheads. We're like, what the fuck is this thing?

Could you imagine if it was some Avatar shit? Not only was it an arrowhead, it was also like you put it on the right stone and it would glow and you'd get tuned into Mother Gaia. Most arrowheads just had porn on it. Pterodactyls getting fucked by chicks. That movie Avatar was so fascinating to me, not just because I love the movie, but because all those people that got Avatar depression. Oh, yeah, living up in the thing. No, the people who watched it, they got Avatar depression because they wished their life was as noble and real as the Na'vi. Wow.

Yeah. It was really fascinating because it was like a condition that was getting repeatedly diagnosed. They were calling it avatar depression. Half tongue in cheek, but half not. I think that's just a brilliant marketing move for the Blu-ray release of Avatar. You might be right. Yeah, that's probably just some marketing bullshit. Brian thinks so well as far as overcoming obvious fakes on the internet.

He's like the master at spotting bullshit on the internet. I've never met anybody who's got, I don't think we're ever right. Any of us are ever right all the time. But you are like – as far as like videos or pictures, you're like 99 percent right. Well, you know what I've been finding out a lot lately is a new one. And I don't know if this is mostly probably just based in Los Angeles. But there's these guys that go to parties that act like normal people. But they have to do something like – all right, I'm at you.

Like, I know somebody that got hired. Oh, it's a good game. Yeah. I know somebody that got hired to go, all right, you're a meth head and you need to go to the bathroom like every five minutes and just make it be obvious at the party. And you just kind of be normal, but just kind of like be sweaty and stuff. Like they just invite like situations to parties like this. Oh, that's hilarious.

Yeah. So it's like a gig for actors or comedians. It's a gig for actors, yeah. That's great. Could you imagine having a party and some asshole hires a comic or an actor to come over and pretend that he's a meth head and he keeps, like, slamming your bathroom door and putting on a show? Right. And he's actually getting paid to do that. But you know the guy and he's not a really good actor.

And he halfway commits. And you're like, what are you doing, man? Dude, you gotta sell the scene. You gotta believe it. You gotta believe you're the meth guy. You're not doing meth right now, man. You're not.

I don't know. I'm fucking crazy. No. No, you're not. There was also a guy that does overly gay at party where he's just super, super gay. And he's a real gay guy, but he does overly gay. And they rent him out to parties.

They rent him out to parties. You can have a super gay friend. It's just to spice up parties. Because some parties are just like, we're all just hanging out. That's what people who don't have comedy have to do things like. They need to hire colorful characters in their life. It's hard to find good conversation out there in America. It's hard to find good conversation out there in America. It's hard.

You know, you could luck upon the wrong fucking little corner of the world and be stuck on this little circular, what are those things called? At the end of driveways, at the end of a road. Cul-de-sac. You could be caught in a cul-de-sac with two boring motherfuckers. I was caught in a cul-de-sac with two dummies. Two dummies and one really nice guy who was strange. But two just straight dummies.

I had this guy who had a dog, okay? And his dog was like this creepy dog that was always out. He didn't really have a fence. He had a sort of little fence, but there was a hill. So the dog could go up the hill and around the fence. There was no fence. It was bullshit, you know? And his dog was creepy.

Like, you'd go out and the dog would growl at you and shit. And he bit somebody who was over the guy's house. It was painting. And so I love dogs. I mean, I fucking love dogs. I've had dogs my whole life. So when I think a dog is creepy, it's because I know it's erratic. You know, it's not.

I have a deep love for dogs. So I went to this dude's house and I'm like, hey, I go, the dog. I go, he's not just getting out, man. I go, he's, like, really being aggressive. And he's growling. Like, man. I go, he's like really being aggressive and he's growling. Like maybe you want to look into this. And so he goes, yeah, your dog got out and attacked me. He just makes up a story about my dog getting out and attacking him.

I'm like, yeah? Are you okay? Like what happened? My dog's 90. He was 90 pounds. A 90-pound dog that wants to attack you. It was a pit bull that wants to attack you. You're not going to survive that.

And if you do survive that, you're going to be horribly torn apart. I mean, you might be able to get to a fence and shut it. I don't think he's going to let go. I think he's going to just tear you apart. I really don't see you surviving that. So when you're a fat guy who smokes cigarettes and you're telling me my dog attacked you and you held him down by his neck. This guy was telling me, I held him down by his neck until he calmed down. I go, oh, he calmed down.

Would that take a year? You're going to hold a pit bull down by the neck and they're going to calm down. Do you know anything about dogs? Are you out of your fucking mind? Like this is the dumbest story ever. But I got sad because I was like, this guy is, this is his reality. His reality is instead of dealing with his problems and going, hey, we've got to put this crazy dog down.

This dog's going to bite somebody. This dog's creepy. Something's wrong with our dog. Instead of that, he's just putting blinders on and making up stories. You could be that guy. You could be putting blinders on and making up stories. Anybody could be that guy.

Make up your reality as it's going on. So that was my fucking neighbor and I'd see that fucking dummy every day and you'd ask me stupid questions about stupid shit that's why you never talk to your neighbors man I do not follow those rules I live next to these two goth fencer guys

that go to renaissance festivals and they seem like nice people but I don't want to go in that world I don't want them to now knock on my door and just like hey what are you doing but I don't want to go in that world I don't want them to now like knock on my door went and just like hey what are you doing Brian I don't want any of that I don't any conversations with anybody yeah I moved into my house ten years ago and my neighbor like the moment I moved in they started sending these notices that they wanted me to cut my trees down they wanted me to cut my tree so that they could see some lights in the distance.

You know, from behind. I guess if you see through my trees you can see some lights. They wanted me to chop the trees down. Like, just right when I move in. Not, here's a cupcake that my wife baked. Welcome to the neighborhood. You know, hey,

we're going to be sharing space together on this planet. I'd like to shake your hand and say, you know, you ever need to borrow a cup of sugar? Ha ha ha. I'm right over here. That would be nice, right? No. Instead of this dickhead wants to bring me in front of some homeowners association. But one of the reasons why I bought the house is the beautiful trees.

I love trees. That's what I'm going to check. That's the man. The guy wants me to chop them down so he can see the lights in the distance. I know. When I do finally find where I want to live, there ain't going to be no homeowners association. Yeah. Homeowners associations are always pain in the ass.

It's always assholes. They tried to tell my friend that he couldn't put solar up in his yard. And he was like, why can't I put solar up in my yard? And they, you know, said like, oh, it's unsightly and this and that. But there's a California state law that says that homeowners associations cannot stop you from putting up solar power. If you're a smart person, you have the shekels, which I'm not smart because I haven't done it. But if you're not like having your house hooked up solar in California, that's the greatest resource we have. We're so low on resources here except for sunlight.

Sunlight we have a We're so low on resources here, except for sunlight. Sunlight, we have a massive abundance of, and you could power your whole fucking house easy peasy with, with solar in this country or in this state, rather. It's so easy. You know, if you're in Seattle, it's going to be a bitch, but you know what I found when you're in Seattle, we were in the fucking woods, man. And this dude had solar panels on the roof of his car and it's raining and it's gloomy and dreary this the solar panels still pull solar power even when it's gloomy even in seattle they're still pulling and charging his batteries and he was watching tv it's fucking crazy awesome yeah so i mean that that's we've been hoodwinked you know into thinking that that's not a good way to get your energy, especially around here.

It's the best way to get your energy. I had a pot-growing friend who used to live in Ukiah. Ukiah. Ukiah is amazing. It's like an hour north of San Francisco, Mendocino County. It looks like Switzerland up there. Beautiful. And this guy loved weed so much he had

his own pot farm but he uh you know the dea would they look for big patches he he would plant them in little bunches right along tree lines and he he loved weed so much he got out there with a shovel and doug put in a sprinkler system where it was timed and you know and he was totally living off the grid he had you know big things that caught rainwater you know whatever and then he had solar panels on his roof guy who completely lived off the grid and everything Wow and he had a heart attack and died like two years ago out there yeah good that's a good way to go well yeah I mean I missed yeah I mean he was it the guys living off the grid living living like a man, collecting rainwater. You know what I mean?

If you're going to go out there in the wilderness where it's beautiful and you're with nature and you pass on to the next dimension, that's a good way to do it. That's good. I selfishly missed my friend. And when I would visit him, he'd give me like a pound of weed, and I would drive back to Los Angeles with my cruise control set on 54. Everybody can pass me. I'm going 54 right here. It's so terrifying when you've got weed in your car and you're driving. Oh, it's a terrifying feeling.

And it's so lax here in California. I have friends that live in California, but then they do gigs other places, and they'll forget. If you get busted with weed in Texas, they arrested Willie Nelson. Right. Willie fucking Nelson. Right. Their state icon. Yeah, that guy might as well be your grandfather.

You're going to arrest your grandfather because he likes to get high. Wow. That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. That's the dumbest use of serve and protect ever. He's fucking crazy, that Willie Willie He's out there smoking pot He might write some more great songs He might be out there playing that guitar To those fucking hippies

But Willie's anti all other drugs The people that work for him There's the saying among people that work for Willie If you're wired, you're fired He doesn't tolerate any chemicals and shit He's a weed guy But those type of like speed dudes are a nightmare speed people are a nightmare right especially because their their sense of judgment gets whacked out that's one of the reasons why they get caught like they caught this guy who was a lawyer it was in

esquire or gq one of those manly men magazines where it's okay to read it. This dude was a lawyer and then he did something with meth and maybe it was based on a client that he was working with, taught him how to make meth and then the guy just was making buckets of it in his basement. He was nuts.

The cops eventually came over his house and found all this meth in his basement. They're like, why is he acting so crazy? Everybody knew something had to be going on. Like the guy had zero, like his ability to make judgment calls was gone. So you would never want to go like that. Cutting the grass four in the morning, things like that. If you're an old hippie, Willie Nelson with your gray ponytail, and you're sitting out there trying to write a song,

and you've got this dude working for you, and he's bouncing off the fucking walls, climbing trees and shit know it's a nightmare that would be yeah that's some zombie shit meth meth is a scary one have you ever known anybody well i'm uh older people that had kicked it and told me that they had done it uh no i no it's it's yeah that's i knew a few people really that seems uh seems nasty and then it's funny when you travel around america in the rural areas No. I knew a few people. Really? That seems nasty. And then it's funny when you travel around America in the rural areas on the side of barns. There's advertising, you know, like meth destroys families and lives and even like above gas pumps.

Like you drive through middle America and there's just these. So apparently middle America is just meth crazy. Yeah, there's a real problem with rural areas where there's nothing to do yeah let's stay up all night i think it's one of those why not learn a language play chess i think it's i think it's one of those many things you can be doing it's really hard to let go i think once it gets you it's gotcha yeah like you're gonna need some of the, like, real physical detoxification. They're going to need to give you an IV. Make sure you're not dehydrated.

Like, you could get, your body gets wrecked because you're just redlining. So when you finally get off of your body, it's just like, oh, my God. You just burnt it, cooked it. You ever met anybody that used to do, like, wasn't into math and then started doing math? Uh, no. I've met a couple people, and they lose, like, a good percentage of their ability to, like, be a normal person. They miss a chunk. And they're always going to be a little wacky.

Just a little wacky. Some dudes get through it fine. There's a few MMA fighters that had math problems and then had real issues with it and then almost died and then became incredibly disciplined because they had been to the edge. Right. And pulling themselves out of that and recognizing that they have a problem and turning their life around.

Beat the dragon completely. So now they resolved to never be defeated again. Some of the toughest guys in MMA are like that. There's a few guys that have like Court McGee who won the Ultimate Fighter. He had a real substance abuse problem. He was actually brought back. He was resuscitated. Wow.

Yeah. When was the last time you ever heard about that from weed? Dude ate a pot brownie and died. Yeah. When was the last time you ever heard about that from weed? Dude ate a pot brownie and died. Right. You know? No, but we just accept that a certain amount of people. Guy ate a pot brownie and really enjoyed Spider-Man 3? The best sex ever.

If you haven't fucked on pot cookies or pot edibles, you really don't even know what sex feels like. It's like the same thing between eating an ice cream sundae high and eating an ice cream sundae sober. Such a completely different experience. Like completely, totally different. But sex and pot cookies. Just cranks the whole thing up. Whoop.

Whoop. Whoop. Every sense just firing. Crackle, crackle. And you're freaking out. Can't believe you're alive. You're weirded out by sex in the first place. Are we making a baby? What's going on here?

Wow. Crackle. You were a talk show host in Amsterdam when everything was illegal here, but everything was legal there. What the fuck was that like? I cried myself to sleep every night. It was terrible, Joe. You know, Tom and I have been friends for a long time. We first, I knew about you, but I didn't meet you until we did a thing in New York when we were both on TV at the same time.

You had the Tom Rhodes show and I had that news radio thing. But it was like right away I could tell you were like a real comic. Like right, we had like a few, we had a few words back and forth and back and forth. I'm like, this is a real comic. And then after the show, you know, a couple years later, hey, you hear Tom Rhodes is doing a fucking talk show over in Holland in Amsterdam, and he's not even doing it as Tom Rhodes. He's, like, playing a character.

And we're like, that sounds like Tom Rhodes. That sounds like something Tom Rhodes would do. Just fucking out there doing it. Just out there, gangster style. It was awesome, man. That was like one of the best experiences of my life. What was it called again? What was the new character? Well, it was the Kevin Masters show at first.

And nobody, they didn't, any magazine, newspaper interview I did, they would say, why is it Kevin Masters? Who's Kevin Masters? And I would always say, I don't know. That's they, they came up with the idea, we're going to get an American, we're going to do this like American late night talk show. And we're going to call him Kevin Masters. So did they ask you to stick with that name? No, well, no, because then I never went along with it. I would never whenever anybody would say Kevin, I would say my name is Tom.

I never I spent my whole career trying to establish my name. I'm not going to fucking... So it was silly. So then seasons two and three, it was Kevin Masters starring Tom Rhodes. Oh, that's nice. So at least they gave me the starring thing. But it was, you know, a once in a lifetime

experience. I had moved there for this girl, this love story, and I was playing in Europe a lot, primarily London. I was, you know, flying back and forth to London every other weekend and all the gigs all over Europe. And it didn't work out with this girl, but I had fallen in love with Holland and Europe. And I got this amazing television, you know, do you want to stay and, and post your own show? And I grew up watching Carson and Letterman and, you know, to be that guy coming out from behind the curtain in the $3,000 suit. And then you stand on the X and you get to

do your little five minute monologue. Then you walk to the desk and you banter with your musical host, which I had one little hip hop guy namedhop guy named E-Life. E-Life? And then you do a skit. Is he an iPhone app? He could be. You know, you do a skit, and then first guest. And then my favorite part of the show, every episode I would get to make a five-minute film

where I would experience something of Dutch culture. One day I spent on a Dutch farm with a farmer, and I walked into an electric fence. He said, look out for the electric fence in Dutch, but I spent on a Dutch farm with a farmer and I walked into an electric fence he said look out for the electric fence in Dutch but I don't speak Dutch so you know seeing that somebody get electrocuted is hilarious how does it it's it's it's not that bad can I cook your dick off no but it makes you jump like a mofo I heard a good like literally cook your dick off so I heard a good, like, literally cook your dick off. But I got to do all these things. I got a tour of the, you know, the red light district and the sex laws were explained to me. I was given a tour of gay Amsterdam by the guy that does the gay parade.

I got to cover the prime minister debates, the life strikers. That's incredible. And I was on the floor with a press badge and a microphone and I'm talking to their most powerful, their most important political leaders. That's incredible. And I was on the floor with a press badge and a microphone and I'm talking to their most powerful their most important political leaders where like I couldn't even meet the governor of my state and in the United States. Yeah, unless you were lucky you were standing next to them. And there were really cool moments, you know

Tenacious D came over and I filmed a great one of the that five minute film I gave them a tour of Amsterdam. That's on YouTube. Me showing Tenacious D around. You know what else is on YouTube? There's a video. I think it's on LiveLeak, actually.

Brian, tell me if this is real. These two dudes, they piss on an electric fence, and they both get electrocuted at the same time. Oh, yeah. Have you seen it? Yeah, that's totally real. Pull that up. Yeah. Because you think it's funny watching a dude walk into an electric fence?

Check out what it looks like when two dudes piss on an electric fence at the same time. That shit hurts so bad touching that electric fence. Wow. It is ridiculous. It's hilarious. Wow. I didn't know what would happen. I wonder.

I wonder if the dicks are okay. Probably not, right? Can you imagine the amount of force that goes through your cock? I wouldn't even chance that one. What if it makes your dick numb forever? You shouldn't do things that tamper with the performance of your numb. That's what I'm talking about. Don't piss on electric fences. No tattoos, no piercings, no

dick pills? Yeah, those dudes that split their dick. Oh my god. It looks like one of those hot dogs you put on a Weber. A microwave hot dog? Microwave hot dogs just explode. It's when you split them. You you split like for

people like like hot dog sandwiches like there was more like a back east sort of a thing you know you'd get okay here it is watch this stupid fucks they both get out oh i gotta piss on something dudes have to go somewhere and piss you ever notice that when they piss they don't just they don't just like pull their pants down and piss on the ground. They have to find something and weigh it down. It's a male thing, totally. Yeah, this is a military fence, too, so I'm sure. Look at this.

Pop. Oh. Oh, goddammit. That's gotta hurt. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. That's only one guy. There's another one with two.

Look at this. See, right when his stream hits the electrical fence. Boom. That's a feint. Damn, he fell like a tree. That's like, a feint, dude. He fell like a tree. That's like a hummus. That dude fell like a tree. Hey, man, what the fuck makes people feint?

I was having this conversation the other day with a friend. What is it that makes people feint? You have any idea? The Beatles. Elvis' cock. What is the mechanism? Is it supposed to protect you from something? Why do people feint?

Well, goats. The feinting goats. I don't know if you know about those things. Those goats where you, I think is used as a, as what you just said. Defense mechanism? Yeah, defense mechanism. What kind of defense mechanism is that? I think it's something to like, maybe blood running too fast to, you know, your heart or something like, you know what I mean? Like, it might be something like that. It seems like if something was trying to eat you and you just fall down and play dead that's a terrible strategy but what the fuck do i know nature you know why

you're the one who made the platypus nature why how'd you get who what guy were you talking to about fainting with oh was he making you know this again a girl that i dated a long time ago had a real problem with needles um where she would see a needle in a movie, and she would just pass out. Oh, my God. And I was, like, trying to figure. I go, did something happen to you? Like, what was it? Short circuit.

No, she apparently, when she was young, she had some sort of a really bad infection, and they had to give her a bunch of shots, like a bunch of shots. And apparently, it just hurt like hell, and it just to give her a bunch of shots like a bunch of shots and apparently it just hurt like hell and it just traumatized her but then she told me that her dad was a doctor and her dad would faint her dad like I was like he was a dentist actually but he would faint like he would see his son his son had like blisters on his face because he he was out in the Sun at sunburn he was sunburned so badly started getting like these little blisters on his face because he was out in the sun. His son burned so bad that he started getting these little blisters on his face. The father saw it and just falls down and passes out. Wow. That would be hard to be a dentist and not be able to give a shot.

But I guess it has to do with it being his son. And he couldn't take it because it was his kid. And the love that he has for his boy. And he sees him hurt and damaged and he freaks out and he's just like, this is too much. And he just completely checks out. I want to give a shout out to my dentist, Dr. Pellerin. The man just retired. He's been our little family dentist in Florida for years.

Oh, that's great. This guy could give a shot. Oh my God. Could he? No. He's an artist. Just an artist. The way it didn't hurt.

And now this person who's replaced him. Ruthless? Not as good. Not as good. It's a jabby thing, right? Yeah, it's fucking terrible. They're all jabby with that fucking needle. Did you see this shit about these storm chasers that got caught in that hurricane?

Or the tornado, rather? I think I saw something for a flash second. They're those dudes that were on that show Storm Chasers that got caught in that hurricane, or the tornado, rather? I think I saw something for a flash second. They're those dudes that were on that show Storm Chasers. Oh, they got killed. Oh, they got killed? By a tornado. Wow. That's kind of Steve Irwin, isn't it?

A little bit, but no, because what these guys were doing was measuring the velocity of the wind and how far it takes. They were recording data that could help people. Don't we have machines to do that? Yes and no. I mean, I think you have to be on the ground. To register the speed of the wind and shit like that, I think it varies

wherever you are, from close to far. And I think they make those calculations based on a lot of data that they take in the field. As far as I i know there's a great benefit to doing it like that well that oklahoma city thing that was amazing i was in new zealand when that happened and just like you know uh as the story was unfolding you know it's amazing how you know news goes around the world instantly but you know

like a mile wide path ripping through the city just the devastation it's insane do you remember joplin, Missouri? Oh, yeah. God, that one got wiped out. It literally didn't exist anymore. Right. And if you look at it... Right, that was an older town, too.

I had passed through... When I did the road, I drove through Joplin a few times. And it was like a brush. Like a mile-wide brush. Just like a big horsehair brush. Just scrubbed it right off the face of the world it's just it's an incredible thing that the wind in under certain conditions can reach that kind of a frenzy you know it's really it's it's it's it's so shocking like our our calm world that we live in for the

most part is uh it's it's so different than what happens when a fucking tornado comes. It's just so hard for us to wrap our heads around it. Fuck tornadoes. Dude, did you ever see the one from Dallas where it's throwing semis in the air? Semis are spinning around in a circle like leaves. Wow. It's insane. They're just flying through the air. 18-wheelers just flying through the air.

It's throwing around trucks. Unbelievable. It doesn't even drop them. It's just spinning them around. It's like a goddamn movie. Like that Twister movie. Twister. What's her name?

She had a wet T-shirt on the scene. Ellen Hunt. That was it for her. That's the thing about New Zealand that I really enjoyed. They were really there's a nice filter of that's the movie

Brian of negative of negative news they don't they don't get in New Zealand they don't get all the like the Middle East

doesn't even exist really in their news you don't hear any stories about Syria or Israel oh wow you know in the United States

it's always shootings and bombings and disasters. No shit. In New Zealand, the newspaper is like, a sheep got in the road. Well, you interviewed Kim.com. Were you there when you interviewed him? So you interviewed him in person? Yes.

Oh, I want to meet that guy. He's a fascinating guy. You would love the guy, and you should listen to the conversation I did with him. He's really articulate. Oh, I bet. Brilliant. And the guy's really did with him. He's really articulate. Oh, I bet. And the guy's really funny too. He's got a great sense of humor.

It was remarkable. I did the NPR of New Zealand, Radio New Zealand, and the woman asked me, what would you like to do while you're in New Zealand? And I said, I'd like to meet Kim Dotcom. Oh, yeah. And a few hours later, he followed me back on Twitter. And I looked at his Twitter thing.

And he had an email. And I sent him a nice email and said, I'd like to do a chat with him. I think he's a really fascinating guy. Yeah. And he's really portrayed in the American media as this, like, kind of, you know, Bond villain, you know, bad person. But I think the guy manipulated the strengths of the tools he was working with when the Internet came on. And he's the reason a lot of rules were put into place.

You know what? He totally straightened me out because I had the misconception that I thought the website mega upload that he made all the money from, I thought, oh, that's like the Napster of movies or something. I never used it. I didn't know what it was. And he corrected me. He said, no, they never had a search engine thing. You couldn't type in Avatar and find Avatar. Whereas the Napster, you could search in Metallica, Zeppelin, and then get all this stuff.

Right. So they never had that. It was people sharing files like kind of Dropbox or something right you know and he didn't you know know what was people were trading or sharing and he's a fascinating guy man I sent an email he invites me to his mansion and it was on the last day I was there so you know, I was from his house to the airport. I only got to talk to him for an hour, but just wonderful man, invites me into his home

and just, you know, the guy is, I think he's kind of like an internet visionary. He's got a lot of great thoughts about where the internet's going and, you know, the United States is trying to extradite him. Are they really? Yeah. What is the charge?

Piracy, I guess. Does he have the best DVR ever? Like, hey, do you want to watch all these homemade porns from every single person that's ever uploaded this on Mega Upload? Which is what? I was only there an hour. I didn't get to see the upstairs. Those aren't going to be good. They're going to be fat dudes

with their tongue out and their cock right in front of the lens. That's what you're going to see if you tune into people's webcasts. No, I don't think you know. He's got a beautiful wife. He's got like five kids. He's a gamer, man. The guy loves games. I bet he has some great movies, though. I was a fan of his way

back in the day. He had a really cool website. He was like one of the first guys that had like this really like high-level personal website. And it was all – like he had an animated feature. I think it was Milosevic. Who's the evil guy? Milosevic, yeah. Yeah, I think it was him that he was killing in his cartoon that he had on his website. It was like all flash animated,

really badass. What was it called? I forget. Strong Badass. Kim.com. I don't even know if he was calling himself Kim.com back then. I think he was just calling himself Kim.

But his website was genius. It was really high level shit. My friend Andrew turned me on to it. He was like, you got to look at this guy's website. Like this guy's website is on another level. And I went to it and I was like, whoa. Right. He was on top of the internet game from the beginning.

This is like late 90s, I think. Maybe, yeah, maybe 2000 at the most. So it was a fascinating fucking website back then. So this guy's like been at the front line of the internet for a long ass time. That was when he was doing like hacker. He was a hacker and then he went into security and he was doing like security for big companies. That's what he said. He got busted and then he got hired by like 18. His story is fascinating. Yeah, very fascinating.

The only thing I didn't get to ask him was who do you want to play you in the movie? thing I didn't get to ask him was who do you want to play you in the movie? Um, they, he was a hacker first and then he got a good call. Uh, and then he got hired by AT&T and all these companies to, for him to explain, you know, the workings of their system and how someone could get in. I mean, yeah, I would imagine you need that if you're a fucking bank, right? Yeah. A little. That's what's amazing that they allow you to bank online, but you can't vote online. That's hilarious. It's too dangerous.

I can't ensure the veracity of this transmission. Too dangerous. Voting online? Voting is too important. But your money is more convenient. I can't find anything about his early cartoon stuff. Anyway, I had a great conversation with him for an hour,

and he's very generous for him to do that. And the guy loves comedy. Pull-up versus Milosevic. I don't even know how to spell that. And, you know, I found him very humorous and a good dude. I enjoyed looking him in his eyes and asking him whatever I felt like. Well, what do you think the argument is? Do you think the argument is that people should be able to share files

and that if you buy something, you should be able to put it online and other people should be able to pull it down if they want it and they'll upload something that they bought. But as long as someone's buying the original thing and uploading it, then it's not theft. That's what a lot of people feel. A lot of people feel like as long as I'm not actually taking something. Or if it was paid for once, you could share it.

I don't know. I think they're going to limit it as much as they possibly can, but I don't think they'll ever, with Dropbox and all these different technologies, it would be impossible to... To totally stop it, yeah. But what I'm asking is, what is his argument? Somebody dies and I leave you my iPod with my fucking massive music collection. I'm not supposed to say no.

I'm going to give this back to the RCA. Oh, my God. Rhodes paid for all these songs, and wow, I didn't know he liked Patsy Cline or whatever. Why not, man? Fucking rock that Patsy Cline. But yeah, who's to say, right? Who's to say what happens to it after you pay? They'll never be able to control everything being paid for.

What's Kim Dotcom's argument? Like, does he think that things should be that way, that you should be able to – No. You know, and this is me speaking. I think, you know, he did – he's the reason a lot of rules were put into place. Right. So, you know, and now he's – his website, you know, he's complying with business. It's kind of like in New Zealand, they feel like the guy's kind of

being persecuted by the American government. He thinks like the Hollywood studios that backed Obama's campaign, they're the ones that wanted to perpetuate this and have him extradited and face

charges. And if he is made an example of, then um wanted you know perpetuate this and have him extradited and face charges and he's you know and if he is made an example of then other you know internet you know hacker whatever people right it sends a message to those people you know yeah that makes sense i mean they definitely do that with entertainers that get caught with not paying their taxes like like blade they put him in jail they put wesley sipipes in jail for three fucking years. He was trying to pay it back. They're like, yeah, no. I mean, they didn't even say, hey, you owe us money,

and since you lost in court, now you have to pay it plus a fine. They're like, no, we're going to take your freedom publicly for three years and lock you in a cage as you're nearing your early 50s. It's not going to be so fun. And then when you get out, we'd like all that money back, please. Then when you get out, you've got to claw your way back. And then he's a little aged as an actor. They do that to a lot of people.

Unless he's putting on plays in the jail, he might lose his chops a little bit. He's staying sharp. But you should listen to my podcast with Kim.com. I would love to. How do I get it? It's iTunes, Tom Rhodes Radio. Tom Rhodes Radio. Why did you choose that name?

Because I thought I could play whatever I wanted. And I take sound clips from movies. And when I talk with comedians, I'll put little snippets of their stand-up in there and stuff. You're going to run into problems doing that. I know, and I don't have any commercials. It's free. Oh, okay. So as long as you keep it free.

Is that how it works? That's what I did at the beginning, and that's why I called it Tom Rhodes Radio. But now I don't do movie clips or anything. I'll take some stand-up. If somebody didn't know… Hedberg. Like Hedberg or something. do movie clips or anything I just I'll take some stand-up like you know if somebody didn't know like Hedberg or something he comes up in conversation perfect example you know to do a little sliver of a couple of his jokes so it's just I kind of approach it like if I was a a university professor teaching a

master class in comedy you know it's it's it's a lot of comedians, but a lot of also interesting people. People I admire. You know, like I admired Kim.com. I sent him a message. I got in touch with him. Do you edit it all yourself? My wife helps me. Okay.

She edits it. What do you use to put everything together? Mac. What's the, like, pro tools? What do you use? Oh, just GarageBand. GarageBand. That's it.

Slap it all together. That's fucking great. Anybody can do. Amazing. You can be your garage band, garage band. That's it. Slap it all together. It's great. Anybody can do, you can be your own internet mogul. You've got the technology. You don't have to. That's the video. This is from,

I mean, I want to say like, good work, Brian. It can't be any later than 2000. So he used to call himself Kim there. It was just Kim, expert Kim.

I don't know what his actual real name is. Kim Schmidt. But this is, uh, him. He was, Kim. Expert Kim. I don't know what his actual real name is. Kim Schmidt. But this is him. He was like a character. He makes rap songs and dance songs. That's the mega car. How do you know what it was? Yeah. I remember this. I don't remember this at all.

He had a whole thing. Yeah, look, the guy gets out. He gets on a speedboat. He's just letting you know he's a bad motherfucker. He takes his fast car to leave a faster boat. Now I'm gone, bitch. I'm like James Bond up in this motherfucker. So he's flying around on the water in his boat. And he presses the eject button. So this was, I guess, his obsession with all things mega.

Yeah, look, and he lands on the bottom of this helicopter. Right here. And then he lands on a building. Microsoft. He's having sex with the building? He's sliding down the building. Bill Gates. He's going to shoot Bill Gates? What a great idea.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He guns down Bill Gates. He guns down Bill Gates. That's brutal. Look how many times he's shooting him. Damn it.

This is... This is for when it's me. Oh, so Bill Gates is peeing on the ground. And it turns out he didn't actually shoot him, but he shot around him the word Linux. You ain't seen nothing. And that's so funny. Wow. That's not the one that I saw.

I saw another one. Oh, I'm glad he didn't kill Bill Gates. I know. Yeah, I thought he was killing Bill Gates. That was really twisted. Yeah, these were all a long time ago. There was nothing like that on the internet. People weren't doing it on their own website.

It's really strange. Right. Oh, weird. Anyway. Yeah. Do you do your, you just edit it all yourself and put it live or put it up on iTunes, but you don't do like a Ustream version or anything like that? Yeah, SoundCloud and...

But I mean a Ustream version. You don't do a video. A video. I'll take little snippets of video and put it on YouTube. My YouTube channel is King of Ha Ha. King of Ha Ha. It sounds like a middle-class. And I did the Stanhope ones.

And I didn't film Kim.com. I felt so privileged to be in the guy's house. When I got there, I was enjoying just meeting the guy so much. I actually said, we don't need to do this. Right. Bro, I'm just happy to meet you. Right. And I actually, you know, I was just so glad to be sitting there talking to the guy.

And then he said, no, no, no, you know, please, if you want to record. The act of doing a podcast makes conversations happen that might not necessarily have, like you and I. Okay? We might go have dinner somewhere but i might you know take a phone call you might go to take a leak you know we're not gonna sit down for three hours and just drink coffee and smoke a little weed and just talk like this like it's almost like you need this vehicle of putting on a show to to get it out there you know yeah it's cool but my my wife also she she films a lot. I've filmed a lot.

So we've got great stuff with Stan Hope and Steve Hughes. Do you do one a week? Yeah. They're coming out a little faster now. I've got a lot of backed up episodes. Man, that's the beautiful thing about podcasts. All you really need, if you want to do an audio podcast especially, you just need an iPhone. Right.

We've done ones where Brian, what kind of editing did you have to do when I did those podcasts on a plane? Did you have to do anything to it? No, I just cut off the beginning and end and just, it's amazing. And then put commercials on the sound of the plane. Wasn't a,

no, it's kind of cool. Yeah, it's kind of cool. It's in the background, you know? And then, you know,

like what I do is I'd hold the iPhone between like me and Joey or me and Duncan or me and Ari or Brian. Did we ever do one, Brian? No. Did we ever do a podcast on a plane? We should have that like a regular episode when we do gigs, do podcasts on a plane. Absolutely. I did the Austin Moontower Festival.

Was that a comedy festival? Yeah. It's great. It's in Austin. It's his second year. And I love Ari. He's awesome. Oh, my God.

Just his face makes me happy I enjoy that guy I enjoy his company so much and I did it I sat down and I was having a great conversation with him for my podcast and then Marin walks out because we were on these balconies at the hotel and then Marin sits down and then it's you know comes all about me all about. But there's, I've got great video. That is really what happened, wasn't it? Yeah.

But Maren's great in the thing because I was having this, I didn't know Ari had been like orthodox and that he had lived in Israel and stuff. Oh, it's an amazing story.

I'm asking him all these things that like I just, you know, what's the squiggly sideburns mean? What's the tassel on the pants thing mean?

Right, right. What's with the big fuzzy hats? And so Ari's totally knocking him down. He's totally schooling me on all these questions that I had. And then Marin comes out. There it is. Boom. Did Marin think that he was supposed to be there? I don't think Marin knew we were recording

the first, like, 20 minutes. Oh, so he thought it was just a conversation in front of a laptop, and then he's probably in the groove now he's a funny cat man he's he's become a different dude it's interesting it's it's cool watching a guy finally drop some of the anger like getting success yeah yeah it's great when somebody uh yeah but he's still getting into it with people he michael liam black and him were going back and forth on twitter. What were they doing?

Michael Ian Black was dominating Marin on Twitter. Oh, really? I don't believe that's real. I don't think that was real. I don't care for... It's real. They've done it before. Twitter slapdowns when comedians get all bitchy with each other. It seems to be... I mean, we're the lowest rung on the show

this ladder, man. It's like – how about a little Maori Brotherhood, fellas? They could have easily been fucking around, but it just didn't seem like it. It seemed too real. But Marin told a great story that I had asked him about. It's a little different the way he tells it, but the way I remembered it. Marin, he had only been on comedy for a couple of years. He moves to LA.

He's a doorman at the comedy store. He's living at the comedy store house. Right. And Kinison is massive at the time. And Kinison liked to come by and party and everything. And Marin's like, you know, only been on comedy for a couple years. And he went to pick up a college friend of his at the airport. And he comes back to the house.

And he comes in. And Kinison is standing on his bed pissing. And comes back to the house and he comes in and kinnison is standing on his bed pissing and marin turns to his buddy and he goes i told you i knew him oh god i heard kinnison was a real piece of shit he was he was a bad dude by the way um i got to remember this uh to say this uh ari shafir's new comedy central show the online version of it um he uh has a new thing that comedy central studios is doing online it's called this is not happening and he just released the first one today it's uh tj miller has a seizure i watched it it's it's brilliant especially the opening part of it there He has this animated thing. Pull it up, Brian. It's on the Comedy Central page on YouTube,

which is just Comedy Central. And it's, this is not happening. TJ Miller has a seizure. This is not happening. Just see the beginning, the opening animated video. Whoever did it is a bad motherfucker because it looks really cool. And they decided to do it. It looks like they did it in a strip club. Looks like did it in like one of those yeah it's a it's a

cheetahs oh is it cheetahs where uh we're in atlanta no no no there's like uh cheetahs here but that's where like sam does a lot of comedy shows at really yeah oh that's brilliant yeah how are those shows those fun yeah they look this opening. Worst news in the least amount of words possible. What's happening? You just had a seizure. Now what's going to happen? You're going to have another! Check this out.

This is the opening animation for those who are... It's all three-dimensional. Shit's flowing in the air. This is really cool. Welcome to This Is Not Happening presents One Crazy Night. Pretty sweet. It's badass. This is an idea that Ari had that he came up with a long ass time ago, I think as like a writing exercise.

I mean, I think that was his his idea just to have a different kind of show where you instead of just do like hardcore like set up punchline you know created bits he wanted people just tell wacky stories like the one time that like burt kreischer has a fucking story about getting so drunk that he's over his girlfriend's uh father's house and he's the guy walks down into the the living room while he's pissing on the dining room table like standing there with his dick out on the dining room table pissing we've all had a little too much to drink yeah that's that's some next level I love our a storyteller nights at the Austin

Moontower Festival he did a drug story you know night I told that Dalai Lama tale. That's a great story. Yeah, these things that Ari does, they're really fun. I love that. They're really interesting. But sometimes people cheat. I had talked to Ari about going to Israel and doing shows. And I just talked to Moshe Kasher.

He had played this club that I wanted to look into. And he said, you have to be squeaky clean. What would be the fun of that? Bar clean. What would be the fun of that? Barf. Yeah. What would be the fun of that? What kind of world are you living in? Squeaky clean.

These people can handle, you know, fucking religious tension and fucking suicide bombers, but they can't handle a little dick joke. Yeah. What the fuck? That's absolutely preposterous. That actually hurts my feelings. It does. You want to be clean.

Why? Why? What do you do? Are you going to live forever if you don't say fuck? What are you doing? That actually hurts my feelings. It does. You want to be clean. Why? Why? Why? What are you doing? Are you going to live forever if you don't say fuck? What are you doing? Are you enjoying this more? Everything's fucking sanitized.

Like, what? Like, all due respect, what keeps a guy like Seinfeld doing stand-up? Wow. Do you know anything about him? No. I don't. I know what kind of cereal he likes. He likes Porsches.

I know he likes Porsches. It's like he's got like a hundred cars. Some crazy Porsche fetish, you know anything about him? No. I don't. I know what kind of cereal he likes. He likes Porsches. I know he likes Porsches. He's got like 100 cars. Some crazy Porsche fetish. You know? Drives a lot of old ones and shit. He likes Superman. I know he's a great comic. You know?

He's a great joke writer. He's got great delivery. But he's got that one observational, one layer style. Like there's no... When I have children, I won't allow them to watch him. I would never want my kids to emulate that kind of comedy. But, Tom, he's one of the greats.

You can look at online pornography, kids, whatever you want. You can watch some old Carlin tapes. No Seinfeld in this house. Where's that other song? Where is it? I go to the grocery store. I'm just picking up a couple of things. Jerry goes to the grocery store.

Jokes! It's an act. The cheese is right next to the milk. Do they know each other? I'm trying to go with this dick. I remember when we were both milk. Now look at you. You've grown up, you cheese.

You know, all milk starts off. Cheese starts off as milk. When cheese sees milk, does it remember its old friends? Look at you, you moved. I should clarify, I met him once and I didn't care for him. Oh, really? I thought he was, you know. What happened?

It was at the Comedy Cellar. It was 98, 99. I was living there. And, you know, the cellar, everybody goes to the cellar at the end of the night. And I had a set there, and it's a small club. There's a table in the back where comedians go on or sit before they go on. And I get there, and all the comedians are in the hallway. Nobody's at the table.

Oh, Jerry's here. And so I go back. I'm on next. I sit down. I give him a little you know head nod hey i liked the guy up to that right time i could see him while i was on i did 20 minutes and uh i had a great set i know that and then the next night he's at the uh they had the mediterranean restaurant upstairs and i get there early to do my set and um i see colin quinn at the bar he's a buddy of

mine and i go over to, hey, Colin, how are you? And he goes, hey, you know, Jerry and Jerry sitting there hunkering over a plate of chicken wings and he's holding a chicken wing and he looks me up and down and he goes, isn't that the same sport coat you had on yesterday? And I go, I only had one season on NBC, Jerry. You might be able to afford a different jacket every night of the week, but I only had one season. And he just shrugged and he went back to his chicken wings. And it's like, you know, a guy with that much money to seriously look someone up and down and criticize their clothing. There was guys in my high school that thought they were funny.

That's all they did. They criticized people's, you know, some people don't have money right some people having a tough time hey i'm sorry you know didn't get to fucking wash the clothes or whatever you know uh but i always thought it was really cheap when people like just pick apart someone's appearance that's not comedy that's like being a bully well you know yeah and it only works if you're not aware of the impact that it has on another person. Because as soon as you are aware of the impact it has on another person, and you do it anyway, like non-instigated, you start off like picking on a guy's wardrobe, you're a douchebag. Right. There's no – but in his defense, that is a style of like comedy interaction in New York.

That is a style of like comedy interaction in New York. Everybody criticizes everybody and they do it all the time. And maybe he just wanted you to know that you were like, welcome. Wow. And I took it the wrong way. Sorry, Jerry. I mean, this is possible. Let's get some chicken.

Never heard of the guy being a dick. No? Really? No. I mean, you see him interviewed a thousand times. You'd get an idea. Like I bet Alec Baldwin. I'm going to have to start watching that show now. I could see Alec Baldwin yelling at you for something.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, Alec Baldwin seems like he's a fucking hothead. Tightly wound. But Jerry Seinfeld? Could you ever see Jerry Seinfeld screaming at a flight attendant? No. No.

No. Yeah. I just don't think he's a dick. I don't think he's got a dick. He might make a snide comment here and again, but so you go back, you bounce a few off of him. Okay, I'll let my kids watch him. I love Seinfeld. I like the show.

I think his book is good. Isn't his book just a stand-up? I think his book is just his act. I think he transcribed his act. But that's the thing in comedy. It's like always, you know, when I talk to stand-up, when stand-up did my thing uh who was it somebody like david cross was rude to him once he tells the story it's like you you can always remember you always remember like who was a dick to you in comedy when you were coming up you know yeah i forgot that cross story that he tells that's a fucking rough story it's a rough

story and it was you know well you know like it's guys can get douchey you guys can get douchey but they do that's the thing you walk around as a comedian you think oh we're all like you know, guys can get douchey. Guys can get douchey. But that's the thing. You walk around as a comedian and you think, oh, we're all like, you know, brothers. No, not everybody looks at it that way. Most of us do, though. And the ones that do are the ones that you enjoy hanging out with, the really self-obsessed, crazy ones that aren't about the camaraderie of stand-up. Those are the ones that wind up kicking themselves in the dick or stepping on their own foot. You know, they're the silly ones.

They're the dummies. Like, you wouldn't be any less funny if you just weren't an asshole to your fellow comics. It wouldn't make any less funny if you didn't write an open letter to Larry the Cable Guy. Okay? It wouldn't make you less funny. It's not like, you know, you were going gangster

by calling out Larry the Cable Guy. Dan Whitney's a very nice guy. He's a very nice guy. I started out with him in Florida. Great guy. There's a lot of other fucked up shit out there in the world that you should probably be concentrating on before you concentrate on Larry the cable guy. It's just...

Right. Larry's a nice fucking guy, and he has delicious potato chips. Really? Oh, Brian, tell me about the potato chips. He has even more now. I heard that he has... Not only does he have delicious potato chips, he has delicious food, like hamburger helper type shit.

Oh, really? He's coming out with his own food products? Yeah. Larry the Cable Guy has a cheeseburger potato chip. It tastes like cheeseburgers. Exactly like cheeseburgers. It's like with mustard on it and relish. It's fucking delicious.

And while you're eating it, you're like, I'm going to eat one more and that's it because I think, I don't know what the fuck this is. I don't know what kind of voodoo they're doing on me that a potato chip tastes like I just ate it in and out. It's very strange. Not in and out, but definitely Wendy's. It's fucking delicious.

I mean, it's really good. It's like you're eating a potato chip that tastes just like eating a cheeseburger. It's weird, but it's got to be bad for you. It can't be a smart move. It can't be a smart move. I want to eat. I'm so hungry now.

I got you with the fucking Larry the Cable Guy potato chips. But I think David Cross is just a volatile artist. The same thing that makes him great. Right, I know, David. He's always been volatile artist. They're the same thing that makes him great. The same thing. Right. I know, Dave. And he's always been nice to me. I mean, it's always, he depends on, you know, who you, who, who's personal, your experience with personal people that you meet and deal with, you know? Yeah.

Dave's never been anything. I've heard some people were dicks. I've met them. They were the nicest people in the world and vice versa. Dave was cool to me even after I did Fear Factor, which, you know, if anybody was like taking the highbrow approach, that'd be the time to think I was a loser. Serving people animal dicks. Then I, you know.

That show was a classic. It was a classic for me. I told you the last time I was on the show that the maggot industry in this country collapsed after the show got finished. It all went down. Well, I'm one of the few people on earth that could say I lost a job because people had a drink cum. There's not a lot of people that, you know's not a lot of people that could say that. Why'd you lose your last job? We were making people drink cum.

America wasn't buying it. Check this out. Larry the Cable Guy lasagna dinner. No way. Hey, get her done. You want a body like mine? Look at the reviews. Disgusting.

It's the worst carbs I ever bought. I ever boughten. Oh, back it up. The first one star. What is the first one star? It says, does anybody remember Larry's previous lasagna recipe? I can't recommend anyone buying this product after seeing his comedy routine on poop lasagna. Maybe they just were David Cross fans.

He's got a lot of shit. He's got mac and cheese. He's got chicken batter. Get the fuck out of here. He did have a joke about poop lasagna. That's hilarious that he's got a lasagna. Chicken. Chicken batter.

Oh, it's bad. Oh, my God. How many stars does that have? It's got five stars on some of these. It's got five stars. You know, you start feeling good about yourself when there's business thinking you've, you know. Yeah, this guy's got a private jet

because he was selling lasagna. Fish batter. Fish batter. Jesus Christ. What's crazy is they think he's like that guy. It's like, you know, Andrew Dice Clay, who I'm a huge fan of when he the Dice Man was one of his many characters that he would do. But it was so good that he's like, fuck all these other characters. I'm just sticking with this whole Dice Man thing. And then he became the Dice Man. Now he's always the Dice Man. the Dice Man. But they've morphed.

It's not like he's pretending to be the Dice Man. That literally is who he is now. So when he shows up with giant sunglasses on that are like, you know, literally six inches high and he's got a fanny pack made of leather, which by the way, I got a great fanny pack because of him. People out there looking for a good fanny pack? A solid one? The Leather Roots

fanny pack. That's the one that Andrew Dice Clay wears. But he's the Dice Man now. He's sending his fanny pack money to Canada. That's the one that Andrew Dice Clay wears. But he's the Dice Man now. He's sending his Fanny Pack money to Canada. What's that? Fanny Pack money? Canada? Roots is a Canadian. Is it a Canadian? Well, if Americans just had the balls to produce a quality Fanny Pack and not

be those weird vendors that, you know, fun and stuff on Amazon. You're like, man, do I send them my fucking credit card information? People in England are giggling now. You know, Fanny's like what they call them. Yeah, the silly vagina. They're still driving on the left-hand side. They can't be, you know, you lose all your credibility when you're trying to... You lose all credibility driving on that side.

Positioning your cars so that you can use a sword. I don't know if this is true or not. I heard that the reason they do that is because Napoleon, the conquering armies getting back to Paris, they chose the right side. So the left side is the loser side of the road. I think it's actually – I don't know if that's – there might just be some weird shit. Well, that means that both guys are the losers. Some old dude told me at a bar.

So that wouldn't make any sense because then both guys would be the loser because they're both on the left depending on which direction you're heading in. But back to Paris. Oh, back to Paris. Here's the thing. back to Paris. Oh, back to Paris. Here's the thing. The one that makes sense to me is that if you're on the left-hand side, you can defend yourself with your right, which is your strong arm.

Most people are dominant right-handed, and they would be holding the sword. So that's why they would pass on the left-hand side. And since these are all ancient cultures, you're talking about England. They're really ancient. You can go to a bar in England that's 900 years old. I love that. It's amazing. There's a bar in Nottingham. You think about how long. You can go to a bar in England that's 900 years old.

I love that. It's amazing. There's a bar in Nottingham. It's underneath the castle. It's on the backside, and it's where people would drink before they went off to fight in the Crusades and shit. Wow. It's amazing. That's insane.

My God. Yeah, that kind of history. It makes sense that they still have that left side of the road thing. That's what they did for fucking hundreds of years. That makes sense. Then you could use your right, your right hand. Okay, well then I guess that's the better side of the road. Like if you're jousting, I think, you know, that's how you do it. Only you would think of something like that. No, it's not that only, I asked, you know. Oh, okay.

It didn't make any sense. I was like, this seems like we, Americans make cars. I asked somebody and they told me that bullshit Napoleon story, you know oh it didn't make any sense i was like this seems like we american see i asked somebody and they told me that bullshit napoleon story you know well we've made the first cars so it would make sense that since we decided driving the right everybody would just honor that they're like yeah not feeling it lad i'm gonna put the steering wheel on the other side i feel a little more comfortable i can sword swipe out my window so they decided even though they would have to import our automobile because we're the ones smart enough to figure it out first they still have to put it on the left side that's you know that's also just not one to bow down to American dominance no swing boy a lot of

them Europeans still a lot of ideas good friend of mine, this guy Kevin Healy, who runs the Roshan Dub. It's this cool rock club in Galway, Ireland. And they do comedy there. Sounds amazing. He's a wonderful dude. I love Galway. What's the name of it? It's called the Roshan Dub.

It's like Celtic for black rose. I need to get a t-shirt. Can I buy one online? Yeah, of course. Yeah, totally. But he's funny, man and he's a really funny dude and uh his talking gps in his car is a british woman's voice and so i was driving around with him one day and then like it was uh take the third into the roundabout and take the

third left and then like he'd drive he'd pass it and then he'd go a different way and he'd just look at me and go i ain't doing that english but he still did brian had a girl that he was dating at one point in time who did not like that his navigation system had a girl's voice yeah she would get pissed off because i would like choose like the british chick voice because i thought that was the sexiest one it's like up ahead you know whatever and she was like will please change this? Why do we have to listen to her? And, like, every time I would come in my car, she would, like, have changed it. So you have Samuel Jackson's. That's what's called a healthy relationship.

Take the left now. I know, right? Imagine that. What the fuck is that all about? Try bringing that up to a psychologist. I, you know, he tries to make me jealous with the navigation system. Okay. It's a girl's voice and the girls

are whore okay and I remember I there was like it was from Tom Tom and I forget through who it was there was some kind of like sexy person that that uh that they ended up like having these voice packs you could buy like Darth Vader and there was like it was like a Bob Dylan right different right and there was a sexy one that I bought and and it just blew the lid off her. The way to make money. Two is U-turn. Yeah.

That's how it was. You want to really make some money, make a plug-in with Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz is telling you what to go. Left, cocksucker, left. Left. What the fuck did I just say? What the fuck did I just say? Left turn, dog.

Left turn, dog. Joey talking. That would be hilarious. That would be the greatest navigation system of all time. Oh, we've got to find investors. That would be great. How come no one's done it? My friend David Hurwitz did come up with an idea once,

but it was an idea of Joey giving advice on the toilet, like little short blurbs. Yeah, I had to film it. Yeah, but they called it a fat man on the toilet, which is disrespectful. You've got to call Joey Coco Diaz on the toilet. That's what you want. Not a fat man.

It's not just because he's fat, you know? Joey on the spot. He's tall. You should see a tall man on the toilet. You know, just describe him. That was a low point in my life, Joe, being in that small-ass bathroom in a hot summer day

with a Joey Diaz naked right in front of you with his balls hanging over the toilet seat somehow. I don't even know how that's possible. Did you smell him at all? Oh, yeah. It smelled like a big Joey Diaz like I mean it smelled like balls in there like ball yeah and then like his wife the person's house is what like the wife would come in with lemonade and just like lemonade anyone like real nice and I'm like don't you see this guy's balls I thought that

was a hidden camera joke on me at the time, Joe, because I was like, how am I doing this right now? This is a joke. But it was funny. I mean, Joey's funny in anything he does, man. Joey's just always funny. Hey, did you see this transgender Navy SEAL came out? Her. Yeah, used to be a dude, this burly-looking, Evan Tanner-looking dude with a big, full beard,

and got a sex change and became a woman. And now calls herself Warrior Princess and just, like, went for a full sex change. I mean, she was at one point in time, 20 years as a Navy SEAL, fought some of the most dangerous battlefields in the world. After she left service, she realized she wasn't living the life she wanted

and decided to become a woman. So you go from that ferocious fighting to soft sensitivity. You've got to applaud that person. Yeah, if that's what you want to do, for sure. I put it online, like some people like still think there was an issue with a transgender MMA fighter. There was a man who became a woman and started fighting as a woman in MMA fights and like just brutally knocking these women out. Do you remember that in the Thai boxing in the 90s? That was the opposite.

There was a guy and then with his money, his winnings he got the operations further as he went along so he was really good and he was a bad sex change and then he didn't have any testosterone anymore he started getting beaten up by girls can't right well this transgender you formerly male woman can and she's not out three girls and she choked out another girl recently but there's there's certain mechanical advantages to the human body when it's male when it's born with the y chromosome the testosterone for 30 years of his life before he became a woman and i think that like there's that's undeniable there's also an advantage in reaction time like what it's 10 across the board advantage in reaction time for men

over women in several tests. It's not like a one-time thing where they got a bunch of slow chicks. There's something about the male constitution that makes it more better adapted to certain physical things, and fighting is one of them.

And some people, it became like this gender issue, and one of things I found out this is it's really fascinating there's a rift in the feminist community and there's feminists that hate transgenders or should I say don't approve of transgenders being considered a woman they think a woman is a woman and when a man starts off life as a man he stays a man and you know think the And the idea that that man is now a woman and can compete with women in athletics is ridiculous. And so one of the things they cite is this MMA thing where this chick is like, you know, not particularly talented, but she's just manhandling bitches. Kneeing them in the face and knocking them unconscious and putting them on the ground and putting her knee on people's necks and choking them out quick.

And it's like she's not fighting like the elite of the elite competition, but the way she's winning is quite convincing. And that sort of stirs the debate up. But I've never been in any way, shape, or form against anyone who wants to be a transgender. My position is only as a martial arts expert. I've been doing martial arts since I was a child. And I know that there are certain things that make someone physically more dangerous.

And one of them is bone structure. It doesn't change. When you have big, giant man hands, big, giant man hands are dangerous as fuck. And little, tiny hands, no matter how good you get at hitting things, they're never really that dangerous. Little, tiny hands break in your face,

like a woman's hand. They're not built for punching shit. You gotta wrap them up good and put them in pads Otherwise, I just shatter on your forehead There's a lot of things to to being a man like the way the hips are built There's a mechanical advantage to using the hips that way but that doesn't mean I'm against people being transgender I think you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want and I think that there's gonna be a lot of people when they do some sort of a chromosomal switch, when they really get into high level genetic manipulation, and they literally can turn you into a woman.

I think every man should be forced to be a woman for at least a couple of months of his life, just so you could feel what it feels like to be vulnerable, feels that it feels like to be douched on by guys. I mean, maybe if like, you know how you have to like, you live in Israel and you have to like do like a couple of years in the service. Right. I think every man should have to be forced to live a couple of years as a woman. Really, as a real woman. Like, oh, you're a 250 pound man.

No, you're a 90 pound Chinese girl now. And this is how you're going to live your life for the next two years, two years as a woman. So you have real empathy to what it feels like to be overpowered or threatened by the opposite sex or the people who are sexually attracted to you also being the most likely ones to take your life. I think when that happens, it would be a very strange world where you could just say, Tom, what are you this week? Oh, dude, I'm a black guy. And that would be awesome. Oh, my God. Brian would be girl.

Put together a funk band immediately. If you could, if Brian could be anything, he would be Wonder Woman. Super Woman. Super Woman or Wonder Woman? Super Woman. Wonder Woman had more cool shit, though. She had a jet and shit. But I guess Super Woman could fly on her own, right?

Yeah. Fly to cool places and masturbate. But yet, she never achieved the fame that Wonder Woman had. It's like, what separates Whitney Cummings from Eliza Schlesinger? What is it that makes Whitney Cummings so much more successful? That's like Wonder Woman over Superwoman. I mean, maybe Supergirl or whatever the fuck she was. Maybe she was really badass.

But she never got nearly the props that Wonder Woman got. Wonder Woman with her jet. She's got a jet. Do you remember the Dave Chappelle joke he used to do about that? She had an invisible jet. No, what did he say? Hey, what's that prostitute doing up there? She totally looked like a prostitute.

Look at her, she was wearing the most ridiculous outfit. If I could be any superhero? No, no, no. Between Superwoman or Wonder Woman. Linda Carter. Remember Linda Carter? Superwoman was blonde hair, so she wouldn't have to shave as much. Her legs, brown hair, you'd have to shave more.

So I think it was less maintenance to be a Superwoman. I think you're right, and I think that Wonder Woman can't even fly on her own. She needs a plane, and that's just stupid. Plus, she's got her magic lasso of truth. Right, and then the bulletproof wristbands. She's fucking ka-ching-ching. If you can move that fast to hit bullets with your wrists, please. I remember Captain America.

Why are you moving so slow all the other times? He didn't fly either. He just had a sword. All he could do was throw his sword at you. Well, Captain America was like the ultimate

roid man. Like, they created him with like a roid. It's like a super roid. Like, they shot him up. He's a little skinny guy

in the movie. Is the movie the same as the comic book? I never even bothered to watch that piece of shit. I wasn't really a Captain America guy. Even though it was

a Marvel comic, I mean, that was in my wheelhouse, but I was never really a Captain America guy. But the movie's not bad. Well, I remember Captain America in, you know, when I was a Marvel comic, I mean, that was in my wheelhouse, but I was never really a Captain America guy. But the movie's not bad. Well, I remember Captain America when I was a kid in the 70s, 80s, looking through. He would be getting his ass beat, and then his black friend, the Falcon, would show up.

It was always Captain America's getting his ass beat, and then his black friend. And that was like the mid-70s, where they trying to like integrate like a black superhero but they didn't want to give him his own magazine yeah so then the falcon would come in and save the day and kick everybody's ass you don't remember the falcon i do now that you brought it up i remember very much that's hilarious so uh the dude who played him um uh they didn't have the falcon the dude who played him, they didn't have the Falcon. The dude who played Captain America was perfect. Did you see the Avengers, that dude? He looks like Captain America.

He's the perfect guy. He's perfect. I just don't like the character at all, so I don't even bother. The movie's pretty good, dude. Give it a shot. Avengers? I've seen the first one. No, no, no. Captain America.

Really? I hate Captain America. Why? Is it just because you hate patriotism and you hate America? That's it. It's kind of like that, I think. That's it. No, is don't want to. Really? I hate Captain America. Why? Is it just because you hate patriotism and you hate America? That's it. He hates America, I think. That's it. No, is it really?

You hate like rah-rah? The old Captain America with his little flags and stuff like that. I was just like, get out of here. Why do you hate the country that you've built such a nice success off of? No, I don't hate the country. His costume was dumb. I know what you're talking about you don't want you know this is the rah rah rah bullshit right they should have just given him some better

superpowers when they uh conceived that he was created though when in the 50s during world war two or something that wasn't supposed to be fighting against the nazis like it's okay to be like super patriot guy when you're fighting against a legitimate evil army. That was like a legitimate evil army. But then once the United States army becomes legitimately evil, then Captain America becomes a goofy character. And that's the problem.

It's really hard to when you look at foreign policy and drone attacks and shit, it's really hard to think that those fucking people that are pulling off what they're pulling off, wherever the fuck we are, whether it's the invasion of Iraq or any of the crazy shit they're doing. In fact, the idea that a noble man like Captain America would be rushing to their aid to save the day and making sure the rest of the world has oil for centuries to come.

Just dodging bullets and flying in to kick ass yeah not the best one he's not the best the hulk's the best clearly like there's a lot of comics i tried to get into like daredevil i tried so hard to get in the daredevil but having a blind guy just not that sexy yeah and that's all he is right he's just blind and because he's blind you can like move good he had over like better senses come on i don't know when i can't remember you need more than that to get me to buy your fucking He's just blind, and because he's blind, he can move good. He had better senses or something. I don't know, and I can't remember. You need more than that to get me to buy your fucking comic book, goddammit. Silver Surfer is the biggest one I always wanted to love, but it never really did it for me.

I tried so much. But that's such a cool idea for a superhero. You didn't get into it? I mean, I bought him, and I just never got into it. He's got a surfboard, right? Spider-Man was really hard for me like, I thought the stories were great. All the Spider-Mans, Peter Parker, Ewan Webb, all the... Oh, so you mean the movie Silver Surfer?

Or did you buy the comic books? No, comic books. I'm talking about comic books. Yeah, I feel the same way. Like, when I got Silver Surfer comic books, I would be like, ooh, a new Silver Surfer's out. Check it out. And then I'd be like, yeah, blah, blah. It sucked.

They sucked. Whereas, like, Spider-Man was always legit. Spider-Man always had X-Men. X-Men had some of the best storylines ever. I mean, they had some epic storylines with Phoenix. You know? I mean, that was a great comic book era. That was the real shit, man.

Dorks? Dorks? How many people listening right now like dorks that was one of the saddest things i had to do when i was starving to death i would sell my comic book collection needed the money man i had nothing and that's all i had left some comic books that accumulated over you know 10 10 years of life out there in the world i've been re-downloading a lot lately i'm using like the app. You can just sit there and be like, I want every episode of Hulk

downloaded. Comic books, like physical comic books, are badass. But the best experience is on an iPad. Get that Marvel app on an iPad and they go frame to frame. It's the best way because you don't see what's next. You never see a comic book where you see

you always see every page. You see it right in front of you. As you're changing And then, you know, you never see a comic book where you see, you know, you always see every page. You see it right in front of you. As you're changing the page, you see the left page, you see the right page, you see what's coming. With these apps, it just goes frame to frame.

And it zooms in real quick, kind of like a movie. Did you ever think that you'd be, like, pushing fucking 40 and still talking about comic books? Yeah.

You never anticipated a period of golfing? No. Joe, I posted a test the other day. I don't know if you saw this. This is a friend of mine told me to take it. And it's something that I guess a lot of people take in college. And it's like 50 questions, and I ended up taking it.

And wow, how crazy, like horoscope-wise, like how crazy accurate it is. Really? And if you just read what, let's see what it's called, like how crazy accurate it is. Really? And if you just read what, let's see what it's called, if I can find it real quick. If you do it, I'm really wondering what it is. But I asked what everybody else was, and they were all the same. Like almost every single person wrote back, like I took the test, I'm a INTSP or whatever it was. Every single person wrote back, like, I took the test. I'm a INTSP or whatever it was.

And that's like the smallest percentage of people in the world is this group of people that all are following me on Twitter. So it was really weird. Here's the test that you can go to. Wait a minute. What is the distinguishing factor that makes them like a really small group? I don't know. It's just like you see good. I'm ESFP. And I guess the test is based on some kind of old school – hold on.

Let me try to find it. It's called the Jung – This is an elaborate way for you to plug your Twitter. No. The Jung Typology Test. Did you ever take this? Carl Jung. Yeah, Carl Jung.

And so I took this, and you can go to like humanmetrics.com, and it's around there. But I took this test, and just look at this description of me. It's extroverted, sensing, what does it say? Extroverted, sensing, feeling, perceiving. And see, what it does is it tells you, like, here's all the different ones that you can be. And it tells you to go down, like, ESFPs love to talk to people about people. Some of the most colorful storytellers are ESFPs. Like you go through this thing, and then you can even get more accurate,

and they have like these horoscopes that are really like, whoa, that's intense. That's fascinating. You know what the problem with these things is, though? The problem with these tests is that you know you're taking a test. Yeah. Well, here's another thing, though. Famous ESFPs. Oh, so you would give them the answer to the simulation theory. Bob Hope. Bob Hope. That's hilarious. Well, it's just thing though. Famous ESFPs. She would give them the answer to the simulation theory.

Bob Hope. Bob Hope. That's hilarious. Well, it's just – you know what it is? When you know you're taking a test, you might not necessarily reveal the way you would respond to something on a regular basis had you not been measuring it. Yeah, but the questions are pretty basic questions. Like if you go like – you know how to put every minute of your time to good purpose? No, I definitely do not know how to do that.

So it's – are you a person somewhat reserved in distance and communication? I would say, yeah, besides podcasts. It's just yes and no. It's not that. Your actions are frequently influenced by emotions. Yes, definitely. You usually plan your actions in advance. Yeah, but see, those are things

you could decide what sounds better. with a group of people attending parties, yes. You could decide. They seem pretty non-judgmental,

which is, I think, important if you're going to really have something like that and have it be accurate. But I would imagine that would be very hard to get a sense

of someone's personality like that. Try it out. i would really be interested because i i read it and it blew my mind i was like no fucking way because i've been getting into that shit you know what drives me nuts man when someone tells me they talked to a psychic and the psychic knew everything about me man it's amazing yeah dude i'm telling you man the psychic dude he knew he knew about my grandma okay you're Mm-hmm. And you're like, oh, yeah. Is it a name that begins with? Those are great.

I love it. Was she a woman? Okay. Where did you say you were from? Boston? She's from the East Coast. How'd you know? I just knew.

Since your grandmother was on the East Coast. Was your father alive? No, he wasn't. I didn't think he was. No. No. Yes, he was alive. Yes, he wasn't. I didn't think he was. No. No. Yes, he was alive.

Yes, that's right. He was alive. Your father was alive. I see that. That's amazing. You see so much. You know, we'll have a gift of sight. And these cards help me.

These cards. These random cards with drawings on them. They help me. They help me see. What's hilarious is that no one ever finds out any new shit. They just tell you shit you already know, you fuck. Like, you know, dude, he knew all about my grandmother. Don't you know all about your grandmother?

Jesus Christ, son. Why did you go somewhere to tell you that green is green? See that color green? It's green. There's no better forecast for the future than Chinese fortune cookies. I've based my life off that. I had one a couple months ago. It said, you are going to come into a lot of money soon.

I took it to the bank. I was like, can I get an advance on this? That's a cat skills joke. How about the people that take them and the really good ones They save in their wallet I'm gonna show you guys You'll fucking doubt me Trust me Well there's like modern ones

There's different Why would they make new ones? Keep those fucking dumb Those are like the lottery Throw those stupid scripts But it's like the horoscope You know Who cares

People are always gonna eat Chinese food It's delicious Throw that stupid shit in there some of them you know fortune cookies were invented in San Francisco in like 1902

makes sense I went to China I was like man where's my fortune cookie you don't get fortune cookies they never carried it over well that's you know Chinese aren't really innovators

you know they are they copy I would think that they would make a better Chinese fortune cookie they'd be like look you know you guys you had it down but hologram doesn't yeah it's got your dead father on it they would make a better Chinese fortune cookie. They'd be like, look, you guys, you had it down, but...

Hologram. Doesn't, yeah, it's not good. It's got your dead father on it. It should make a noise. Yeah, but don't they always make the cheap shit, like the cheap knockoff versions? Like they're never making the iPhone, they're always making the iPhone-er?

Well, they actually make iPhones there. Yeah, it's China's massive industry. They make a lot of shit in China. Yeah, the iPhone factory, they got the nets around it because all these people were committing suicide. Yeah. And their answer was, hey, get back to work. That's based on Apple specs. I'm talking like all the other companies out there, you know.

Yeah, there's definitely a lot of that. There's a lot of cheap shit. I mean, made in China was always like a statement. Right. Where else are you going to get refrigerator magnets and snow doves and i looked at it and it said made in china but they also make some fucking pretty dope shit what's really funny is that that uh that company the uh that where people were jumping off the roof. What was it called again? Foxconn.

Foxconn. Foxconn. The argument was, I actually saw a guy saying this. He was saying, well, you have to realize that this is an enormous company and the percentage of people that are committing suicide is commensurate with the percentage of people in a normal population of that many. You're talking about a company that employs a half a million people. Yeah, but they're killing themselves at work.

Right. At work. They live at work. They live at work. They're killing, I mean, is it, are you really, can you really say that? They're like a regular population. They just wanted an extra pee break. And they just get nothing.

They get very little money. And they claw and scratch. Just the fact that we still allow that. Someone's trying to come up with something called the Fairphone. Have you heard of that? Pull it up. Yeah, it's a phone they're trying to do. It's a...

You son of a bitch. It's a... It's an Android phone and I think the idea is that they can trace the origins of all the resources that are in the phone, minerals and such, and show you that it's all been acquired through fair trade and there hasn't been any slave labor used. That sounds like a boring phone to me. Well, it's not even going to have 4G. Yeah, exactly.

I mean, it looks like a regular Android phone. What does their spiel? What does it say? Change their products and made by starting with a single phone. Together, we're opening up the supply chain

and redefining the economy one step at a time. I love the idea. I think the idea is amazing, you know, but you got to have 4G, stupid. How dare you? How dare you put out a phone

in 2013 and say, well, 4LTE was problematic. Then your phone is problematic. Because I would jump on. Everybody would jump on. You could do it, man. Just make it 4G, silly. Get the funding up. Get a Kickstarter like Graham Hancock.

He doesn't have a Kickstarter. Alex Gray. Sorry. Sorry, Graham. Alex Gray's Kickstarter hit $250,000. So that Entheon thing that he's... You know what Alex Gray is? kickstarter alex gray sorry sorry graham alex gray's kickstarter hit 250 000 dollars so that entheon thing that he's you know alex what's he making you know alex gray's the visionary artist he was really psychedelic crazy tryptamine art you never seen his stuff oh it's amazing oh here it is like this this is this visions book that's all oh cool you ever seen that stuff before yeah yeah yeah I'm sure you have. But he's creating that, like the cover of this Visions book.

He's creating something that's... That's beautiful, that cover. Yeah, he's creating something really similar to this, like this style of art, like this style of thing, as a building. He's going to have a religious building called the Entheon. That's like this non-denominational spiritual sort of building that he's putting together. And he's going to house it inside this building that's created essentially

out of psychedelic art. And he did a Kickstarter and offered a lot of really cool shit, including painting people's personal or drawing people's personal pictures, drawing, drawing an Alex Gray version of them, and a lot of cool shit. I need to do a Kickstarter to get a condo somewhere nice in Malibu or something. That's not how you do it. I'll make it spiritual if you want me to.

We can all smoke weed there if you want. Thousand bucks. You get to crash on the couch once. That's right. That's not how Kickstarters work, son. They have to get something out of it, too. Well, I'll film it, and you guys can all download me and my new condo in Malibu. Suck a dick.

What did you say? Suck a dick? Suck a dick. Brian, just think about what you're saying, and then count to three. One, two. And then stay with the thought and go, is this worth saying? I'm in psychosis. You can't just have a Kickstarter to get yourself a condo, son.

No, you can. What you can do is you can say, hey, I'm making a documentary about me getting a super sick condo in Malibu. And I need $300,000, no, $500,000 to make this movie. I'll tell you what, Brian. Nobody would see that coming. That is basically bulletproof. And no one would ever call scam. They would say, hey, you're just doing this so that you could get this super dope condo.

Our buddy John has a nice Kickstarter. John LeJoy? Yeah. How did he become? How do you say? What is his? LeJoy? LeJoy.

LeJoy. It's for him to become super rich. That's the whole Kickstarter. Hi, I'm John Lejoie. You may recognize me from my popular YouTube videos, televisions of the league, or simply as someone you admire and envy because I'm awesome and famous. My fans come up to me all the time and ask me,

John, when are you gonna make a movie? My answer is always the same. It's bodyguards beat the shit out of this gross, poor person who's not addressing me as Sir LeJoy. The second most common question I get from my fans is... Okay, stop right there. If I was his friend, I'd say edit that. What was that part?

I didn't get what that part was. Cut that out. The part's called Not Funny. I don't know. I made a swing. Didn't work. part's called Not Funny. Made a swing. Didn't work. He's a funny guy. You know, we all fucking throw turds up there.

See what he's trying to do? Didn't work. Oh, man. You were great the last time I saw you at the Laugh Factory. It was like six months ago. Oh, thanks, man. Thank you. Yeah, and you did that big bit about the horse fuck video.

God damn, it was great. I was just there. It was like a ten- God damn, it was great. I was just there. It was like a 10-minute bit. It was great. I was just there. It's called Enumclaw. Oh, really? I was just there.

Yeah, and they're all very embarrassed about it. It's really interesting. They got like proud people. Brass plaques up marking. Well, it's a real rural area. It's at the base of a mountain. I think it's Mount Rainier. It's one of those mountain communities, and they were really bummed out that their town is known for that now.

You ask them about it. There's a few really nice. There's a place called Charlie's. Shout out to Charlie's. The best fucking pancakes you'll ever eat in your life, man, in Enumclaw. Pretty fucking dynamite. It's like a real home cooking place. We were up there looking for Bigfoot for this new show I'm doing.

Oh, yeah? We're looking for Bigfoot. Isn't the definition I'm doing. Oh, yeah? We're looking for Bigfoot. Isn't the definition of looking, there has to be something to actually see? Brian, you're not the expert of everything. If it doesn't exist, you're not looking. Oh, you say it doesn't exist. But how do you know? That's like looking for ghosts.

You can't really look for one if they don't exist. But you can. You can go look for ghosts. It doesn't mean you're going to find a ghost, but if there are ghosts occasionally and you're not looking, you're never going to find them. And if you're living your whole life

never seeing a ghost, you're like, there's no fucking ghost. And then one day, you see a ghost, you shit yourself, and you don't have a picture of it, you can never explain it,

you try to tell people, and they're like, yeah, you saw a ghost. Because no one's going to ever believe anything that they haven't seen themselves. Unless you can show me a picture of it. Unless you can show me. I don't even believe in quantum theory.

You know why? Because you can't show it to me. I don't know what you're doing. I see all those lines and squiggles. I believe you're correct. I would never doubt. But I have no idea if that's real. I have no idea if that's real.

But Bigfoot, I think he's real. No, you do not. I think he's real, Tom Rhodes. I'll tell you what, man. Hey, man. If that's real. But Bigfoot? I think he's real. No, you do not. I think he's real, Tom Rhodes. I'll tell you what, man. If anything's real... You're entitled to that. If anything's real... I think Eddie Murphy's a better actor than Denzel Washington. Are you being serious or are you just

being silly? I think we're all entitled to our opinions. Are you seriously being silly? Because Eddie Murphy can act his dick off. He just doesn't do it very often. I think he acted it already. I bet he did his best acting when the cops asked him why that tranny was in his car. I'm going to do a little character research. That's what you do.

A little character research. I was taking him home, officer. That is a homeless tranny. Explain yourself. But I guarantee you that I mean look at how good he was in Nick Nolte

48 hours he's fucking great in that movie great as an actor as well like not just great as a bad guy and you know what else

coming to America what was he like four different characters or something that and I'm not endorsing this movie in any way shape or form

but that Ben Stiller movie about the robbery, the fucking, it was on the top floor, the penthouse, something like that. Oh, yeah, it was like a couple

years ago, right? What the hell was that called? The Heist? Tower Heist. Tower Heist. Not a bad movie. It really wasn't. It took a lot of shit.

It was pretty fucking, the premise is ridiculous, but Eddie Murphy's a badass fucking actor. Like, you forget how subtle he is like how he can pull shit off you know it's really sad that all that tranny shit went down because when that tranny shit went down eddie murphy stopped doing stand-up you know he did raw and then you

know he kind of like just went to movies and maybe he would have went back no i think it'd been like 10 years since after raw and then the tranny thing. Was it? Yeah, it was a long. Maybe my timeline's wrong. But I just feel like, you know, maybe he would have gone back to it if it wasn't for that. I wish he would have. That's why I was excited when he was going to host the Oscars. They're like, just give us a hint of it, Eddie. Just a couple of minutes.

This is the truth. When Raw came out and I was, I don't know how old I was. I guess I was probably 18 or something like that. I don't remember. Somewhere around then, somewhere around the teenage years. And I remember seeing Raw on TV, and me and my friends were fucking crying. We were crying. And it doesn't totally hold up today, because a lot of the premises have been, like, beaten down since then.

Right, right. But I remember that was an event when it came out. It was in the theaters. But coming off of Delirious, Delirious was so strong every moment. And then it was like he had gotten money

and then he's telling stories about bodyguards and Bill Cosby. I actually meant Delirious. Delirious. I should have said that because Delirious was the TV one.

That was the HBO one. Where he's in the red suit. Raw was the movie. Raw is the movie and he's got the blue suit. No, I definitely meant Delirious. I said the wrong thing. You and your friends were really laughing?

No, Raw, see, Raw was not that good. That was a good example. No, that was like when rap guys get too much money. Yeah. When the rap guys come out, they're great. The first three albums are from the street. They got the message. And then like the third, fourth album, dude who's going to clean my pool is late.

Right. You know? There's something about money that takes the sting out of a lot of people and then well it's also the life you live changes radically yeah you know the life you live as a comedian there's got to be some folly in it you know and when everyone's just lining up to suck your dick and pay you in diamonds there's not a lot of folly yeah you know he's did you see that that ed eddie murphy thing was on comedy central they um they did some like you know honor him evening oh yeah and who was it told this great story um oh my god i forget who it's uh but i guess it was arsenio hall or something and

some woman comes over they're like some black club and some white woman comes over to Eddie Murphy and goes, Eddie, Eddie, I love you. I've never kissed a black man before. Can I kiss you? And he goes, no. He goes, you don't start at the top. You got to start with one of these poor dudes. Oh, that's funny. You can't start at the top, baby.

Delirious, you know, before Delirious, he had a CD. I don't even think it was a CD. I think it it was a cassette but he had a cassette that was really good i think maybe even better than delirious because it was really like low pressure i still give delirious as a gift i get i get a little nephew man and he likes comedy and then like delirious little like teenage kids and stuff they want to like uh you know they ask me you know who should i who should i study oh here's delirious let's start start here you know if they ask me, you know, who should I study? Oh, it's delirious. Let's start here. You know, if you're like a teenager and you're not really into radical shit yet, you're just into solid funny.

It's too bad that he stopped, you know. It's interesting. You know, there was also, it's just, I'm sure when you're probably the number one comedy movie star in the world, like it's probably really hard to get up a desire to go write and create new jokes, and they're probably just constantly shoving movies down his face back then. He went after 48 Hours, and he was gigantic. Do you remember how gigantic he was? I like to party all the time.

No, it's My Girl Wants To. Party all the time. Guy had a hit song No, it's My Girl Wants To. Party all the time. I had a hit song. Yeah, you did. A dance song. It was a hit song about his girl who likes to party all the time. That is a drag, man. If you're dating a girl and she just wants to go out all the time and dance and party.

I don't like the dancing shit. I've had friends break up with girls because they just want to party all the time. They're like, listen, you're escaping something here. We can't do coke seven nights in a row. All right? You need to take a nap. You need to get help wanted. Pick up that.

Find an occupation. You can't just be out there partying. Or you can. If you've got an act, you you know travel the country tom road style just go gangster just tell it road to road i'm glad you clarified that you're like you can't party all the time i'm like oh your party's all the time do you ever think that uh you're gonna settle down in a city yeah i'm considering a few places what are you considering?

I'd like to move back to San Francisco and just, you know, just, I mean, just creating jokes. That's the, you know, that's the main mission. Yeah. And I like that the, you know, the tech industry is based out of there. And I think, you know,

things are moving. I think the future, I mean, like you can be your own movie mogul. Yeah. Studio now. And, you know, I don't know. I think, future, I mean, like, you can be your own movie mogul studio now. And, you know, I don't know. I think, you know, it's a lot of entertainment. Yeah, no, there certainly is.

I think that's a great place to do stand-up. It's also a lot of fucking smart people there. It's a good audience. And I like, when I come to L.A., I like staying in nice hotels. You know, something about living here and paying rent. I don't know. Maybe I haven't lived in the right neighborhood. Can I crash at your place for. You know? Something about living here and paying rent. I don't know. Maybe I haven't lived in the right neighborhood. Can I crash at your place for a couple months?

No. Sorry. I'll sweep the helicopter pad every once in a while. You won't get along with the family. They'll be like, this guy is just, he's going to draw you to the dark side. Don't worry. My will is strong. I'm kidding.

I'm not kidding. I don't know. And then also, you know, New Orleans is a place that I would consider. New Orleans is a beautiful town. That's a wild town. Yeah. That's a free town. It's almost like you should have a passport to go to New Orleans.

It seems like some sort of Caribbean island you just drop off into. It's connected to the rest of the country. And then again, I wouldn't mind moving back to Amsterdam or Europe. Maybe get a place in Spain. What about for your stand-up? What do you think would be the best place? Do you like to have a home club to work out of? No, but, you know, I love the Stan Hope model.

You know, he works his ass off for like two or three months, and then he'll take a month off, you know, go home. He'll take several months off sometimes, yeah. And I like that he does that, where I'll only take take a week or two off you know uh i like that notion stanhope's doing it the perfect way yeah he's so i mean so so with that in mind you could live anywhere you know you know why not have a place in greece or in south of france or you know more travel time that's that's the pain in the dick and some people like to to have a club that's close that they can fuck around and practice at.

Like, when I lived in Boulder, I was doing the comedy works in Denver. It's only like an hour and a half from where I live. It's pretty easy. Drive down there, boom, do a set, get right back to the wilderness. You know, it's like... That way you get sort of the best of both worlds

type situation going on, you know. I think that a home club is nice nice it's nice to have a spot so like where stanhope is on bisbee there's no fucking club so that crazy asshole just do a show in his backyard right right right set up some speakers plug the mic in he did a show in vegas in some dude's backyard there was a guy in vegas some kid who was hiring comedians to do shows in his yard and have his friends come over. And it was supposed to be a great gig. Yeah, you heard about it, right?

Stanhope said it was awesome. And the guy got shut down by like city ordinances or something. Yeah, he didn't have the proper permits. What a bummer. What the fuck is that? I wonder what the proper permits are. Well, then you could shut down lemonade stands, you know. You don't have a permit, kid.

Right, but you don't want anybody throwing, like, crazy late-night parties in the backyard next to you. That would suck. Like, what if they were playing bad rap music? Like, you're cool with it if it's stand-up, and it's funny, like, it's Stanhope doing stand-up. Right, right, right, right. But what if it was some terrible,

what, what, what, how come I can be, what, what, how come I can be? You know, you see, do, do, do, do, do, do see... And you're trying to get some fucking sleep, and you're like, God damn it, this is death. Maybe that's how they feel about Stanhope talking about AIDS. When I turned 16, my parents made the tactical error of going out of town that weekend.

And I threw one of the biggest parties Oviedo High School had ever seen. And there were just cars parked all down the block and just massive party and people just, you know, drinking. And I was talking to like three of the hottest girls in my school in our living room. And this guy vomits on the on our living room carpet you know what i mean what am i gonna do i'm gonna get down on my hands and knees you know in the middle of this party or that these girls that i i care about uh you watch me clean some vomit huh so what'd you doinkled some dog food on it and let the dog in the house. No! Did you really?

Oh, you fucking foul human being. Why would you want a dog to be drinking bile like that? That's so disgusting. It was the cleanest carpet ever. I hope that dog haunted you with dog farts from hell. Gross. That poor dog lying there with his stomach indigestion. Come on. Ripping horrible farts.

Bile farts. That's the worst. You hear your dogs fart. And you look over at them and you're like, come on, man. For real? That's when the dog is comfortable with you. They're always comfortable with you, man. They never hole in farts.

That's just something about dogs. They never figure it out. You yell at them when they fart. They never put the two and two together. Like, what the fuck are you yelling at, man? I'm just over here doing my thing. I'm just being me. I didn't even move.

Fucking stinky bitch. You ever have a dog wake you up with a fart? My dogs used to fart so bad, I'd be in bed. I'd be like, oh, God, what the fuck? It was like I was eating shit in bed you know especially if you feed them wet food that's the key dogs love that wet food but that wet food would just just all gels together and stomach and the fermentation process and when it comes out just oh you just you feel it you feel it before you even smell it. I don't know how we got this subject.

Wet dog farts. If you like dogs, you've got to deal with that. It's a weird thing that we have certain animals that we cherish and certain animals that we just slaughter on a regular basis. And they're clearly defined. And when we step outside of those lines, people get really upset. I was watching this thing on TV where they, it was in one of the British papers. They were showing this latest trend is canned lion hunts. Oh, I just saw that on The Guardian.

Yeah, The Guardian. That's what it was. Yeah, I love The Guardian. Yeah, it's really crazy. If you haven't seen it, they raise these. And it's disgusting. Did you see that? It was on Today's Guardian

on their website. Yes. And it was this beautiful lion. Yeah. This massive lion. And the guy standing there was like, this rifle. Stick underneath it. What's really crazy is this is not even a wild lion that's inside of a fence. These are hand-raised

lions. So what they do is they take them from their mother right away. and all they see is people. They see lion cubs and people, and the people provide them food, and the people pet them. So that's how you train these lions to be more docile. So that's how, when people are wandering around shooting these lions, these lions aren't stalking them and killing them, because these lions associate people with being like their parents. So this is like one of the weirdest, strangest sort of canned hunts ever because it's like shooting big dogs. It's really similar shooting big dogs.

What's the sport in that? If you see how these lions are with the people that are in this park. Before they send them to this park, there's another company that's a farm that grows these lions. And they take them away from their mom and then they feed them with bottles and they're cuddling with them and shit. And then when they get full grown, then they let them loose in this park.

And it's just this big giant fenced in place and the lions are walking around and then they let loose the white people. And the white people come in with these guns and they set up and there's like four or five guys shooting at the lions because the lion makes it charge when you shoot them if you hurt them they'll fucking charge at you they know what happened and so you got to like have like four or five dudes at the same time shooting so watch this like the lions just sitting there chilling oh yeah they do oh look see no he shot

out him and missed the lion doesn't know what the fuck's going on the line doesn't recognize there's a threat at all then now he hit him so now the lion's running at him and then they drop the camera because they the lion hit with a bullet okay it's dying but it's running at them so they just start firing at it as it's running fat white man well this is so crazy because this is disgusting this is not even something that you you would eat for food and they're pretending that this is the the dangerous game they're pretending that this is the they're the great white hunter and they're out there taking down a lion and then they have it in their home look this is a lion i shot while i was in africa oh jesus but really they've done they've taken the balls out of lion hunting. Right.

See, there's four guys with rifles. I remember I went to, I was in Sevilla, Spain, and I went to the bullfights. I had seen it once in Mexico, and it was one dude versus a bull. I had read Hemingway's Death in the Afternoon. I thought it was manly.

It was like the minor leagues of bullfighting. There was four guys against one bull. One guy goes out there with the red cape, and then another dude sneaks up behind it with the prongs and sticks it in it. And I got upset. It was like the most cowardly chicken shit stuff I had ever seen in my life. And that's what that lion thing reminds me of. It's like, really, four guys with rifles?

Isn't those things they jab in the bull, aren't they poison as well? Hmm. I don't know. I didn't think so. Are they poison, Brian? Yeah. What's that? Those things they jab in a bull during a bullfighting, don't they have poison in them?

I don't know. I don't know. I think they do. But either way, they're stabbing him and fucking him up. He's hurt bad. Yeah. That lion thing is disturbing. It's really disturbing. It just shows how thing is disturbing. It's really disturbing.

It just shows how weak people are. It's just such a weird thing to want to go somewhere. Well, it just shows you that everything is for sale. You can have any experience you want if you're flush. They've appealed to the weakest of people. The people that would want to go there just to shoot something and say they shot it. So you're shooting a pet. I mean, essentially, that's a pet that's been let loose.

And the fact that they're trying... Look at this. A little hot dog is licking a lion. Oh. You know? Oh, that's adorable. I had to see something good. Oh, that's adorable.

You know, like that lion clearly is not a fucking... I mean, if you went in his cage... What a beautiful creature, man. If you went in his cage, it would probably fuck your world up if you wanted to. And, you know, the man lion is pretty lazy. He can just lie around and fuck all the time. The woman lion does all the hunting, right?

Yeah, if he's well fed. The male lion is there to defend, to make sure that he protects the females and the cubs against other males that will come in and try to rough everybody up and eat all the babies. That's when a new male comes in, the big male has to be able to keep that male out because if that male gets in it's very likely he's going to kill all the cubs if they're not his he'll just dominate take over start fucking all these chicks again and kill all their babies so that's what the male's supposed to do the male's supposed to just take care of everything and fight off hyenas there you go go, lions. Just sad, man. It's edutainment. It's sad that people would want

to do that. They would actually want to go and shoot something that's basically a pet in this fenced-in area. We've talked about Ted Nugent on the show before. Ted Nugent has a show called The Spirit of the Wild. It's kind of fascinating. And he has these ranches, two of them, one up in Minnesota and one in Texas, where there's a fenced-in ranch with all these deer running around on it. He sits up in a tree, and he puts food out, and the deer walk up to the food, and it sticks him with a bow and arrow. With his bow hunting. Yeah, but he eats all the meat.

I mean, that's all he eats, and he enjoys doing it, and it's all his property. Deer meat makes you very flatulent. Does it? Where'd you hear that? Haven't you ever had venison? Yeah, I have. It lights the butthole up. Hmm, maybe that's a personal thing.

I've revealed too much about myself. What makes me flatulent is milk. Ice cream. Ice cream will make me have horrible farts. I did, what was it, Politically Incorrect, when it was on Comedy Central years ago. When Bill Maher was first, his first version of his show, with Ted Nugent.

So nobody got in an edge, word in edgewise, because he's just, he just dominated the ball. And afterwards, we're in the green room, and he comes up to me and he puts his arm around me and he says, Tom, I like you, man, and I want up to me and he puts his arm around me and he's Tom uh I like you man and uh I want you to to have my my magazine and he he's got the magazine in his left hand he's got his

right arm around me and it's called it's it's it's uh Ted Nugent's bowhunting magazine he goes now Tom this magazine is more than about bowhunting this is about you and who you are as a man and getting in touch with your inner being. I read the fucking magazine from cover to cover. It was about bowhunting. It had nothing to do with me.

Well, to him, that's what bowhunting is about. Bowhunting is about some spiritual quest to tap into the essence of the wall the wilderness right well he does it with an arrow that's kind of that's old school well it is he's uh i mean he's really good at what is that song oh that's right why must we eat the animals that's right this is a real video by the way this is a guy, and this is a vegan reggae song. And if this doesn't

make you both laugh and want to get violent, look at this. You've got to see the video too. Look at how fucking hilarious this is. Why must we eat the animals? When I was in New Zealand, there was a billboard for something. I don't know if it was a restaurant or something, but it said, if it didn't have a mother, it doesn't go on our grill. Like they won't even grill zucchini get the fuck out of here with this this guy's hilarious yeah and he's showing like things in this video that people don't eat like big yeah like they're showing like whales giraffe japanese people do hunt the whales

and he's like got the cow here you know here's the real problem with this philosophy They're showing whales. Japanese people do hunt the whales. And he's like, got the cow here. You know, here's the real problem with this philosophy. If you really did that, do you know how many people would get sick from poor nutrition? First of all, they already are, right? So that's a bad argument. But the real issue is, what are you going to do with all these animals now? Because if you're not killing them, you better introduce some predators into the food chain.

Because otherwise you're going to have deer everywhere. You're not going to be able to drive. Cows are going to do with all these animals now? Because if you're not killing them, you better introduce some predators into the food chain. Because otherwise you're going to have deer everywhere. You're not going to be able to drive. Cows are going to be all over the place. Are you going to keep them from fucking? Are you going to castrate them? What are you going to do? How are you going to neuter them? How are you going to manage the population?

Are you going to kill a few? What do you do then? Don't eat the meat? That seems pretty ridiculous when people are starving in the world and you're shipping them boxes of fresh vegetables that are rotting. My favorite sandwich is the BLT. It's a great sandwich. How are you going to take away bacon? Dude, I've been eating the fuck out of bacon lately.

Bacon's good for you. I went back to bacon. Fuck yeah, you did. My father was a bacon historian. I started eating turkey bacon. And I was like, oh, this tastes good enough. Man, fuck that. Good, fat bacon, like freshly sliced bacon, not like the Oscar Mayer packs that you can buy.

You know what's the shit? Oh, you're hardcore. You're the boar's head at the deli. You get that bacon out of the glass case. You ever get the bacon they have at Whole Foods? Yes. They get that fat bacon. You got to go Rob Wolf style, though, dude.

You got to cook it slow. You got to get a big frying pan and cook it slow. He does it on some electrical jammy, but he cooks his bacon for like three hours. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but when you do it that way, like if you ever go to a Four Seasons and you eat at the buffet and you get that bacon,

you're like, how the fuck are they doing this? Because my bacon's always fucked up and twisted black their bacon is like consistent and a rich brown and it's so perfect it's because they're slow cooking that bitch slow cooking that bitch i'm gonna go get some bacon right now this podcast is over tom rhodes you're a bad motherfucker love you joy glad we're friends i love you too buddy respect respect and, let's do this more often. It's ridiculous. I totally love your show, man. And then, you know, it's...

You're coming on again, all right, you fuck? I love you, baby. I love you too, man. All right, thank you, everybody, for tuning in to the podcast. We appreciate the shit out of you. Thanks to Audible.com for sponsoring the podcast. Go to Audible.com forward slash Joe and get yourself free 30 days of service and one free audio book. The premier audio resource on the Internet.

I love Audible.com. They're a fucking fantastic company. Go check them out. We're also brought to you by Hover. If you go to Hover.com forward slash Rogan, you will save 10% off any of your domain name registrations we're also brought to you by on it.com that's o-n-n-i-t use the code name rogan save 10 off any and all supplements we are gone until uh thursday night and thursday night i'm going to be doing a special uh after i get off work the guy with kelly starrett and kelly is a a... He's growing to be very popular on the internet

with some really excellent ideas about maintaining your body, taking care of injuries and shit. So we're going to talk to him about that. The human anatomy. We're going to get down and dirty about muscles and tendons and ligaments and shit and discs.

And then Monday, we'll be back with Bobcat Goldthwait and we've got some other cool guests Next week Alright you fucks We love the shit out of you Friday, Ice House Tom Rhodes, Joey Diaz

Me, Brian Redband And maybe we'll even get Brian Callen To drive down after he does his show in Calabasas Okay, we love you Thank you everybody Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.