The Joe Rogan Experience - #370 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: June 29, 2013

This episode is only available as audio. Ari Shaffir is a stand-up comedian and also hosts his own podcasts Skeptic Tank and Punch Drunk.

Boom. We did it. Here we are. At the motherfucking airport. That's like another recording. So you start off another, is it another episode? So you got talking in there. Should I stop now? Yeah, you can stop. It's just a 35 second clip. Because people hear Brian there too. Oh yeah.

So Ari and I are in Anchorage. We're at the airport. Dude, this is one of the most funnest trips I've had in a while. It was badass. Most funnest. Most funnest. Yeah, it was badass. We had a good fucking time.

We went fishing two straight days. Yeah. Saw eagles. Yeah. I saw eagles. Yeah. The solstice was like a few days ago. So it was pretty much the longest day of the year, within 10 minutes.

Yeah. It was pretty weird. Coming out of the club last night, it was pretty much the longest day of the year, within 10 minutes. Yeah. It was pretty weird. Coming out of the club last night, it was like 2 o'clock in the morning. And it was, you know, I mean, it wasn't crystal clear. It wasn't like noon. It was cloudy. But it was, you could see everything. You could see.

It was not dark out. If you didn't have your lights on, a cop would probably let you go on it. Yeah, you could have no lights on here in July and probably get by. Yeah, we couldn't tell the difference between turning them on and off. I can't see. Yeah. It's pretty cool. Yeah, you get in a little bit.

There's a little bit of darkness, like dusky, but it never gets fully dark. And then, whoop, the sun comes right back up again. Yeah. How badass are the people out here? Yeah, man. This is an amazing town. It's really unusual. If you've never been to Alaska, you owe it to yourself just to try to experience it up here.

Summertime. We were just saying last night we want to do this once a year. Yeah. At some point in the summer when it's so fucking green and beautiful. Yeah. This is going to have to be our yearly trip. You see that? The New Yorker cover?

What's going on? It's Ernie and Bert. One of them resting their head on the other one's shoulders. And they're going to get married. What? Ernie and Burt. Remember Ernie and Burt? They're going to get married on Sesame Street?

That's what they're talking about. So they're admitting that they're gay. That's what they're talking about. See, I don't know if that's healthy. Why should you have any sex at all involved with Muppets? Oh, right. Do they have other people that are married on that show? I don't know.

I don't know either. What's that called when you take an animal and make it a human? Anthropomorphizing? Maybe. That's like an English term I should know.

It's like they do that in fables and stuff. A snake, you know? Yeah. Yeah. The wolf, Little Red Riding Hood, the better to see you

with, my dear. Yeah. What big eyes you have. Oh, yeah, giving human traits. I think that's stupid it's off now why should they marry

they're saying I like the idea if all if a lot of them are married then it's like yeah have one gay couple too yeah one out of ten

sure but just to have Ernie and Bert married just to ease ease your concerns they've been roommates for a long time you ever hear people

that are like no that's my roommate Todd and you're like what yeah we just we do everything together we're just such friends and you want to be like just tell your mom and they sound gay yeah just tell your mom my friend's brother is one of those shows up with the same

guy every family function just friends not just friends and they all sort of know but no one wants to say anything yeah being in the closet has got to suck hard it's got to suck yeah i i try to be as like openly accepting of gay people i think it'd be openly heterosexual yeah i try to be that too i try to be as openly heterosexual i went out of my way to have kids just so i proved i'm proud i like pussy see see i made them traditional way traditional it's not natural so it's a weird aberration and you know and human genetics and animal genetics too that like other cases yeah definitely yeah definitely so at that point you have to be like well it is natural it's just not the most common yeah like i was reading a story recently i I think it was flamingos.

There was two gay large birds. I think it was flamingos. And it was at a zoo, and they were having a real problem with these gay birds sort of paired up. What were they doing? Flaunting around? Jacking everybody's food and pushing everybody away. They decided to set it up so that these gay birds were in the general population, and the gay birds were sort of running shit. Yeah.

Wow. Forcing the breeding birds away from them. Wow. They jacked it. Bobby Kelly told me outside the cellar, there was these, you know, the super gays, a walk with a strut. Men?

Yeah, men. And you could tell. Yes, some people you can tell. It's more than obvious. It's like, wow. And I looked, because I catch catch my eye because it's not the normal way of i see people and bobby's like don't look those are the gangs here it's like really because yeah they'll fuck you up if you want to say something anti-gay they will fuck you up really yeah you have to worry about that well just don't be homophobic i guess publicly and you're right don't mock them

um yeah yeah because i guess the black or supersedes the gay hmm oh so they're they're gangster gay yeah hmm who is that guy gangster fag gangster fag the rapper yeah turned out he says he wasn't really gay he probably just caught jesus and makes you lie about it later could be it could also be he could have it could have been a gimmick i mean he says it was all a gimmick and that he came out with the gangsta fag character to just to get controversy just to get cock i mean i mean i'm sorry i mean controversy but it was so detailed and specific i mean i don't know either he's an amazing artist or he got to the first three levels just by proxy. It was real weird because when he contacted me, his former business manager or partner contacted me and was saying that it was a lot of weirdness.

Like, oh, the guy's a bullshit artist and he's trying to scam money. He never tried to get money out of you, though, did he? Well, what's he going to do? Give me money. I don't know how he's going to get money. I'm a rapper. Give me money. Good luck with that.

Yeah. There's a lot of lesbos in Alaska. Are there really? Based on my old watchings of Northern Exposure when I was 16. Well, that's a thorough and detailed analysis. Yeah, I'd say 100% fact then. It was interesting how we were talking to Dan Rinella, Steve Rinella's brother, who went fishing with us.

And he was telling us that there's a lot more women up here than people think. Like, it's actually more women in Anchorage than there are men. Yeah, I get trouble to believe that, because it was so ingrained into me that it was like three to one men. I always heard it was ten. Ten to one? I always heard it was ten men and one woman just getting trains run on her.

All the time. And she could just call up any dude and they all just accept that she fucks other guys because there's no girls up here. But apparently it's not like that anymore. Especially Anchorage, which is basically a college town. It was really progressive.

We saw those people that were Christians for equality, you know, for gay equality. Yeah, they were boycotting. It was weird. You never see that. I don't know what that was all about because we're too lazy to stop our car and get involved in the discussion. But we did look as we didn't slow down and made the turn. We thought about honking in solidarity, but we're like, nobody likes to hear horns. You just wave.

If you see me, I'll wave. What did that become? It was like, honk if you support this. Like, that's the move. That you see me, I'll wave. What did that become? Honk if you support this. That's the move? That's the big, I'm going to take a stand here? During the first couple years of the war before everybody realized it was utter horseshit, the corner near the mall near my house,

there's a corner where these knuckleheads gathered and they had American flags and support our troop signs and they wanted everybody to honk if you support the troops. And so everybody just honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk. It was so annoying. Every time you got anywhere near that place, you'd hear horns.

So there was a restaurant that was right across the street from that place. It was like, what the fuck? So annoying. Just horns all day. Weren't we somewhere where they were at the bottom it was like a not Monsanto building but it was some

like corporation building and they were boycotting at the bottom but we're like there's also a hotel here and we'd like to sleep till noon we're not the problem

where was that it was somewhere right like Portland or something Seattle yeah it was they were boycotting it was like a some giant

hotel workers union. One of those. I don't remember what it was. What was that? I don't remember. But yeah, that was annoying. Protests are annoying. Annoying if you're not involved.

But I guess they need something done. And there's no other way to do it but make a big stink. It's the best way to do it nonviolently. Yeah. My favorite joke that my friend Pete Carboni is out of comedy now, my favorite joke about protests, he goes, do you think George, this is how old it is, do you think George Bush cares about people protesting the war? I think he views those protests the way we view the WNBA. Like, sure, it's annoying, but let them feel like they're making a difference.

Is the WNBA still around? Still around. No one cares. They've been shoving it down our throats for 20 years. No one gives a fuck. One girl dunked recently. They're full of 300 lesbians and beaten down men that have to do shit with their wives. Free ticket holders that are on drugs.

Oh, that's funny. It's just a failure model. How do they actually... Merch? That's how they turn a profit. Merch. But like when you go to an arena, how can you get 300 people in an arena? I don't know. It's like people are into a little...

Brittany Griner! The dunks they have are the ridiculously lame dunks. They're like, it's a dunk. You barely got your hand above the... They do the old James Worthy Statue of Liberty. They had to name it something because it was so boring. It means you just go straight up and dunk it. So they're like really tall women.

Yeah, can do it only on a breakaway when no one else is there. And whoever the point guard is that feeds the ball goes, you're all alone. You're all alone. So they can take like the four steps. They look the other way. It's so stupid. And they're like, see?

Like, see? Nothing. It's a big highlight when they do it. Yeah. Oh, my God. It's funny how that never took off. Is that what it is? It's just people don't like watching women do athletics?

They always sell it on like, it's fundamentally good. No, they like tennis. Tennis, yeah. Top level. That's the only one. But basketball is so clearly the exact same sport. Although tennis is too. on like it's fundamentally good no they like tennis tennis top level that's the only one but basketball is so clearly the exact same sport although tennis is too do you remember when renee richards i don't know i don't remember either but the story is fascinating renee

richards who was never a successful male tennis player got a sex change he started whooping up on women really yeah it's a big deal. Playing against women, he was kicking ass. Whereas playing against men, he was getting his ass kicked. Did they let him keep playing, or what was the story? I don't know how it ended, but I know he did for quite a while. It was a big point of controversy. One of the things about transgenders that I found pretty interesting is there's a whole group of hardcore feminists

that do not like transgenders at all and think that it's just more male suppression because this is not a man or this is not a woman rather this is a man who went through an operation now is deciding to be a woman and fuck you you can't be a woman oh fuck they won't let them in yeah well i would say so except in athletics yeah i really think i get it because it's bone structure. But my boss in my summer job in college, Sky Rose, this priest, pre-op, transsexual, transgendered black guy from England. And that was, I mean, you look at him and you're like, oh, that's a woman. I get it.

You're a woman. Some of them, totally, yeah. You know who he liked to fuck? He liked to fuck somebody? Do you know who he liked to fuck? Who? Straight men. Did he fuck them or did Some of them, totally, yeah. You know who he liked to fuck? He liked to fuck somebody? Do you know who he liked to fuck? Who? Straight men. Did he fuck them or did they fuck him?

They fucked him, but he would do... I was like, but wait, how are they... He goes, because they could tell I'm a woman, and they want to fuck a woman the same way I want to fuck a man. Wow. I was like, well, how do you do it? This is what he said. Get legs over the guy facing him,

but sunk down onto the cock. Oh, Jesus. So that way you can be face-to-face. Oh, I just got grossed out. You really imagined it, didn't you? Yeah. I just imagined pre-op, dick and balls are floppy all over the place.

They rest on your belly button. The thing about transgenders with athletics, it's not just bone structure. It's also reaction time. Men have, across the board, 10 structure. It's also reaction time. Men have, across the board, 10% faster reaction time than females do. You caught a lot of heat for this, huh? A little bit, but not with anybody rational, so it was okay.

But it was just about fighting. I would have never even brought it up if it was about any other athletic pursuit. Do you think if they had a transgendered weight class that that would be okay? Oh, yeah. Well, I think what they should do is have... Transies other transies men to women fight women to men you can't say tranny because it's a man but transies transies is like halvesies let's go halvesies it's not offensive oh how rude that's just rude i don't support severe statements. I'm a fan of lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and haveses. Everybody's.

Everybody's-ies. It's just the guy who I was upset about didn't disclose it. He just decided he was a woman now after 30 plus years of living as a man and having male testosterone and male hormones and male training. When they don't disclose it, that's like the people on testosterone and steroids. I'm like, you can say my doctor prescribed it and tell everybody at a time. Exactly. And it's a similar argument, honestly,

because the idea that testosterone doesn't give you a massive advantage. Like some people are being humble, like Luke Rockhold. Luke Rockhold was the Strikeforce champion. He fought Vitor Belfort. And Vitor is on testosterone replacement therapy. And, you know, Vitor wheel kicked him in the head. And he was like, it wasn't testosterone replacement that landed that kick. He was being humble about losing.

Which is kind of, yeah, kind of admirable. But the reality is it does help you train. Look at Alice there. Look at all the guys that came back in every sport. Baseball, too. When they come back, it's not just a half step they're off. People are like, oh, okay, it's a slight advantage. It's the world of difference.

That 5% at the top level of athletics is all the difference in getting beat up consistently and beating people up consistently. It really is. It's interesting how that can even be argued. You can win a bar fight either way. Yeah. But in top level performance, that's a major difference. There's a difference between 40 home runs and argued. Yeah. You can win a bar fight either way. Yeah. But in top level, you know, performance,

that's a major difference. There's a difference between 40 home runs and 19. Yeah. And that's, you know, people say, well,

how does it, that is a skill, like, how does that ever, how does it, how does it translate to skill? What's happening, man? When's it going to air?

Probably in a couple days. Yeah, a couple days. Yeah. You want to say hi? You want to say hi? This is some dude who's at the airport.

I didn't realize who he was when I was that's at the airport Did you go fishing? Headed out to the lodge We'd love to talk to you but we're in the middle of doing this I don't want to interrupt it Take it easy bud Podcast fan at the airport This is really at the airport, folks. We didn't fake this shit.

We're not like that. The idea that you take testosterone and it doesn't have a massive positive effect on your training, your ability to recover. Of course you do. The problem is people say, oh, well, you test him once a week and that way you find out what he's taking. But that's not true either because if you know that you're going to get tested on Friday, you could be juiced to the gills Monday through Wednesday and then taper off on Thursday and then Friday you're back on. That quickly? Yes. That quickly?

Yes. Especially if you're doing with skin, you're rubbing it on your skin. That's the easiest. That stuff dissipates. The cream you're taking oral oral testosterone is also very quickly uh it passes through the body within 24 hours so weed is two weeks yeah weed is fat soluble you can tell if someone had uh artificial testosterone in them there There's traces of it. But the levels of testosterone in your system, if you're taking something like the cream or oral,

they dissipate really quickly. So there's a lot of ways to cheat. And anybody who says that that doesn't give you a massive advantage is fucking crazy. They just banned it in California. What? Testosterone placement therapy for new new ufc fighters oh wow mixed martial arts uh is going through a serious overhaul of their rules when it comes to that because they're trying to figure out what's fair and what's not fair and why so many under 30 year old guys and 30 year old guys are needing testosterone you know it's one thing if you're 50

because at first i'm sure a couple like one or two doctors did it like okay i guess he needs it but now when suddenly all of them get it then it's like wait yeah let's think about this and the thing about it is that nevada has a smart policy and that policy is they don't allow anybody to use testosterone if they've tested positive for steroids before because if you test positive for steroids that means you're taking endogenous hormones and when you take them those those uh um the the artificial hormones force your body to shut down its natural production of hormones so if you have low testosterone because you took testosterone oh then you have to do this yourself exactly like

you did it to yourself so we're not going to help it ever come back your body eventually is like oh now we need it and it'll come yes it'll come back but it takes time it takes quite a bit of time especially there's drugs that you can take like clone it's called clomid and there's some other ones that are started yeah they're um they're anti And those estrogen inhibitors, they change the level of testosterone to estrogen in your system. And it boosts your testosterone production. But those are illegal. You can't take those in the UFC. So, like, say if a guy took steroids, his balls crashed, and then he wants to get his testosterone back up.

You're not even allowed to take stuff like Clomid or all these other different things. They're illegal. Yeah, overhaul is always a good idea. That's what we're talking about we need for the Constitution. Yes. Just like, let's redo it a little bit. Yeah, but the problem is, the people that would redo the Constitution are the same

corrupt cunts that are in charge in the first place today. You know, the same people that are passing all these fucking crazy laws and allowing the nsa and the cia to spy on people like they're the one they're going to be the ones that revamp right they would drop to the constitution of course it wouldn't be us damn i think what we need is the fucking internet to run things yeah i know that sounds crazy to people but but look how yelp works it's it's a community run situation so that we all i mean definitely people in charge of the running the site and stuff it's like something along those lines like look if we

all want something or if most of us want something that's why the parliament system works better to me i got a joke i'm working on about how people should have yelp scores like you know like you meet someone they have a certain amount of stars floating over their head based on user interaction. Other people deciding on them? Yeah, like, you know, with Google Glasses, that would be a cool thing to use it for.

Oh, yeah. You look at someone, you see they have five stars, like, oh, you must be a sweet guy. They were trying to do that for a while for dating sites where you could look up a guy to see if he was an asshole and stuff.

Oh. But the problem is, only bitter women were writing on the website. So everybody got zeros. Well, it's like we were looking at Yelp last night for a good place to eat, and we found these steakhouses, and one of them had everything excellent, excellent, excellent, except one review. And this review was just really douchey, poor.

Everything was... It everything was they never it turned out they never went to the restaurant yeah it was just like we didn't have reservations they were busy

so they couldn't take us which is bullshit because it was our anniversary so we went next door yeah it was some really detailed needy explanation

for why there were a few people ahead of her and she didn't want to wait 15 minutes because it was our big wedding anniversary this is why when you're average stuff

you're supposed to take out the top and the bottom a few percent because they're like outliers that messed up the curve and and all really basically every fucking survey who the hell is answering surveys have you ever answered one no when i got free t-shirts in college i would answer surveys what kind of t-shirts did you get for free in college? You know, like the college one with what's-his-name-that-died? Oh, Belushi? Belushi. That was a cool t-shirt.

Yeah, that was a good t-shirt. And it says college on it. I have one of those somewhere. Yeah, a lot of people do. They're pretty cool shirts. I actually wore that t-shirt during the Mencia video. Really? Yeah, that's what I was wearing.

That's a good slacker shirt to wear for that. When that was going on. Let's talk a little about this fishing trip because it was so fun. Yeah, it was awesome. Well, first of all, where did we go? Do you remember? Yeah. We went to the Lazy Sioux.

That's the name of the river. And our friend Matt Peterson from Valley River Charters took us out all week. And we had a great fucking time. Yeah. It was catch and release, so we had to decide where to go. But he goes, dude, no one's going to be at the Lazy Susan. Yeah. So it'll be mobbed at the other place.

Let's just catch and release them, and we'll have a great time. And it was, man. We saw one person the first day, and nobody the second day. Yeah. Other fishermen. Everybody else wanted to catch fish and keep them. Yeah. And we were like, well, if it's easier to just catch a bunch of fish and release

them you know which kind of fucked up he's putting a hook in a fish's mouth and then sending him on his way but yeah you're fine sorry or not we had a good time and so sorry fish what if um child molesters had a rape and release oh that's rude it's better than you louis ck had a bit about yeah it was great just tell them we're not going to execute them. They'll be more likely to give them back. They just feel... I think a lot of those child molesters are so horrified by it themselves. What they've done.

They have to kill the evidence. They just fucking don't want anybody to know. It's so sick. The other thing we were talking about yesterday was how many people were molesting people in the Roman days. Yeah. The early days of civilization. It was probably super common.

Yeah, I wonder if it was. It must have been. It must have been. Because it became a normal thing. If society tells you that it's not a problem, then how many people would do it? Yeah, a lot more, I'm sure. This is what we talked about in terms of what society tells

what's negative about homosexuality, boys and girls. Yeah. A lot more, I'm sure. This is what we talked about in terms of what society tells what's negative about homosexuality, boys and girls. Yeah. And they look down on boys in America, way more homosexual boys, way more than homosexual girls. So, in college, way more girls experiment and fuck around than guys do. There's an interesting statutory rape case going on right now between girls. Oh, really? It was two girls that are girlfriends, and one girl is 18 and the other girl

is 15 and the girl who's 18 just 100 days ago was actually 17 so then it became an issue once she turned 18 then their relationship became illegal and it's really kind of crazy because if it was the other way around it was a boy and a, I don't really think very many people would have a problem with it. It was a concern when I was 18. I had a girlfriend who was, I think she was a year and a half younger than me. And so when I was 18, she was 16 and a half, almost 17. And so when I turned 18, it was was like can we still fuck it was like yeah it was like a real worry yeah because we had been you know we had been banging for over a year

so it was like all of a sudden we couldn't bang anymore i was like what what happened are we illegal like that's crazy i was really worried about going to jail i was like how is that possible that my girlfriend is now illegal and And you were just legal? Yep, just legal. Wow. Yeah, I think we were, it's hard for me to remember if we were separated by one or two grades. I think it was only one grade. Wow. And I think. Yeah, that's a grade lower.

That's allowed. Yeah. Well, it should be. But once you turned 18. It's a problem. That's why. And it's not right before. What if someone's 17 and the other person's 10?

That should be a problem. Oh, yeah, That's illegal. Well, is there like certain age limits? Does it go down and down? I'm sure. If you're a three or four-year-old only? Yeah, it should be like a separation of X amount of years. Yeah, percentage.

Percentage-based. Yeah, I don't think you can have a 10-year-old girlfriend if you're 15 or 16. But at 11, you can. Yeah. At 11, you can. But, I mean, are you allowed to even... Is anyone allowed to fuck at 11 i don't know i think so but i mean how they're gonna stop you if you're alone yeah

anyway back to the fish though yeah we got deviated yeah it was so much fun how much you catch the first day i think um the first day i caught seven seven dan caught six i caught three four four yeah yeah i got one at the end with the fly and uh they were they were fucking monsters I caught seven. Seven. Dan caught six. I caught three. Four. Four, yeah. I got one at the end with the fly. And they were fucking monsters, too. We caught some big-ass fish. Day two, we got a lot. We got the big ones.

Then they came. Yeah, you got the biggest one of your trip and me. I got the biggest one of mine as well. Describe the feeling you get when you feel that bite. They're so fucking strong. And they're all angry. They're pissed off. Immediately.

That's sort of what they bite for. They bite because they're mad at you. They're not even feeding. Oh, right. They're just out of aggression. They said, get out of here. Yeah. That's why they feed.

Yeah, I got one fish that was biting to eat. And that was a salmon. A trout. Oh, yeah. I caught one rainbow trout you knew right away like this ain't a this ain't a salmon man but it was only 14 inches long

as opposed to the other ones that we were catching were giant like the biggest one we caught your biggest one was probably around 40 pounds and mine was probably even a little bigger than that

I think mine was like 35 and yours was like 40 it seemed like it was more than 35 pounds man I don't know it's like dead weight it's this weird weight where they're struggling. It's so heavy.

Just even getting it in. Yeah. Oh, my God. Whatever they were, they were big, big-ass fat fish. Go to Instagram, and you can see Ari in my pictures. Oh, yeah. But it was a good time, man. It was a good time.

And it was almost just as cool just being on the river and seeing the eagles and the wildlife, the moose. We saw moose on two separate occasions. We saw three. Mom and a calf. We saw one driving, and then we saw a mom and a calf, and then we saw another mom on that island. I'm sure people from Alaska are used to it, but, man, it's cool seeing that shit. Seeing the eagle, the one that looks like a stamp. Yeah.

Looks like the post office logo. I'm like, that's, wow, the white head. Yeah. It's crazy. And they're talking about some places where there's a ridiculous amount of eagles. Super, super plentiful. Did you talk to those guys last night? They were talking about the ravens up here.

Oh, yeah. Huge ravens. How big they get? Yeah. Size of a dumpster. Yeah. They said they were eagle-sized ravens. They're enormous.

Wow. And they're smart. And they're evil. And they're evil. And they're evil. They punch holes through tin cans. They can peck a hole through a can of soup. Really? Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Their beaks are so hard. Yeah. Their beaks are so hard they can open a soup can with their beaks. Man. They're big-ass birds. Dude, it's cool being on the river.

Once the sun came out, too. Yeah. It was just so nice that's why we sat there and smoked and drank a little bit remember the immature eagle too that was another thing that dan told us it was fascinating that uh immature eagle is actually larger than a mature eagle really yeah when they're younger they're actually larger they calm down when they get bigger i don't know something happens when they go through the stage i guess it molting with birds?

Is that what it is? Molting. Where they go from being a baby bird to being a full-grown bird. They change color, and then they actually become smaller. But they were beautiful. Wow. Amazing-looking birds, just watching them fly, and knowing that they're just looking to snatch a salmon and yank it out of the water.

That's all they want is looking down. I wish we saw that. Yeah. I saw them go, and I was like, dive, dive. But they won't do it. Well, we got there after the water was a little flooded. And so when that happens, there's dirt in the water. It's hard to see.

And then after a while, that dirt will settle, and then it'll be clear. Our guide was telling us about going there later in the year where you can see every fish in the water. You just see them. You see where they are. And just throw your line right at them. Yeah, and just scoot it in front of them, and then they crush it. It's so great. It's such a great feeling when one bites.

Because for a while, it tugs on a rock. You're like, oh, I think. No, no. But then when you do get one. Yeah, and you see them flop in the water. You feel the drag pulling going back and forth and one other thing was really cool

when we switched to light tackle like little tiny rods instead of throwing spinners and then you catch a fish on that and then it's a super battle

it's really wrestling yeah it's like catching a fly ball barehanded yeah it's just so cool to be tapping into those wild things, too. These are wild fish. And the idea that they regulate them, they know when they're running. Like, when we first scheduled this trip, we were going to be able to catch the fish and keep them.

But then along the way, they switched it to catch and release because uh the populations were down but then the day before we went the weir a weir is like uh like a dam that they open up like the fish go through a portal and they count the fish yeah they count how many fish go upstream to mate and there was 352 made it the day before us so we we just hit a perfect run. It was like the best time of the year for fishing. They get big and pink and mean. They've already fucked.

Mean cunts. Yeah. Have they already fucked? I think they're going up to fuck. They're still going? Yeah, they're on their way. And where do they fuck? In a lake? They don't really fuck.

They just jizz on eggs. That's how they do it. The girl lays the eggs. The girl lays the girl, the girl, legs, the eggs in the dirt. And the, the male comes along and shoots loads all over them.

Wow. Yeah. That's how they, Oh man. Yeah. When I was living in Boston, we used to go to this place called Jamaica pond and catch rainbow trout. And when you catch them,

sometimes you'd pick the males up and they would spooge all over you. Cause they were, uh, they were trying to come. Yeah. They were trying to come on these eggs. Instead, they just come all over you. That's were trying to come. Yeah, they were trying to come on these eggs. Instead, they just come all over you. That's like a single white female.

Remember the single white female? Yeah. So then the evil girl was blowing the boyfriend. She just showed up one day and she cut her hair like the girlfriend. Oh, right. And then he was looking down getting a blowjob because she just showed up in his apartment. And he looked down and he's like, Margaret? But he couldn't stop. He's like, Margaret? But he couldn't stop.

He's like, oh, oh, oh. And he just couldn't stop. And then when she got the cum in her mouth, I'm going to kill you. Yeah, the cum fortified her. Made her stronger. She became super evil after that. Yeah. That was the movie that just sort of freaked people out about potential crazy roommates.

Sort of like Fatal Attraction freaked people out about potential crazy roommates. Sort of like fatal attraction. Freak people out about potential married guys having affairs with crazy bitches. Rabbit. Rabbit. Boy, rabbit. Oh, she boiled his pet rabbit. Yeah. His kid or something?

His kid's pet rabbit. Yeah, that is, that's like the thing that guys think about. Like, oh, she's going to be a rabbit boiler. People will say shit like that. Rabbit boiler. It became a part of the culture. Isn't it fun how certain movies just stick as a reference for a long time? Yeah. That's why, you know how powerful that guy Corky was?

From Life Goes On? From Life Goes On. Yeah, that's 25 years old or more and people still that's the reference for a retarded person you're right yeah

you're not supposed to say retarded it's supposed to be down syndrome Ari get it together oh it's like you're not supposed to say tranny yeah I only say retarded if I'm looking at

if I'm referencing a retarded person a down syndrome person oh well that's sweet that's sweet of you yeah I just won't call others that. I don't think it's even then. I don't think you're ever supposed to say a person's retarded.

Mentally retarded? Really? Yeah. What is that being? Mentally jacked. Supposed to. When are you supposed to do this? When are you supposed to do that?

But it's not acceptable amongst progressives. We can say that. Progressive retards? I think that we're in a new day and age. I can't believe you're doing the retard sound. I don't know how else to do it. That is just rude. I cannot believe that we're in a new day and age.

Yeah. A fellow Dan Syndrome is like myself. Imagine if there was a disease that made you talk like an English person. Oh, yeah. You knew someone was fucked up because they started talking English. That would be a pretty cool disease to get.

Fake proper. Hello, how are you? And you're like, oh, he's crazy. Look at him. He's over there talking like an English person. No, no, I just caught English. Yeah, what are good examples of movies that just completely changed or became the reference?

The reference, yeah. Like Gordon Gekko from Wall Street. movies that just like completely changed or became the reference the reference yeah like gordon gecko from wall street always be closing everybody talks about that and just greed is good oh yeah that's wall street that was the guy when you think about a greedy cocksucker bernie madoff type dude gets it forever yeah yeah i wonder what else is like that they have certain things every time somebody gets in front of a boat people people go like, I can't, I'm flying or whatever. Oh, the front of the boat like we already have. Yeah. And then we're going to need a bigger boat.

Yeah. There's a shark. I'm getting too old for this shit. Yeah. There's a million of those. They stick forever, way past how good they are. past how good they are. Well, that's the problem with people is how easy it is to get us to think that the movies and the way we see people behave and act is real life.

That's how people are in real life. So we sort of use those terms and those iconic characters and insert them into real life. Sometimes there's no bearing on real life at all. Uh-uh. Karate Kid. Yeahuh. Karate Kid. Yeah, the Karate Kid. That's right. Did you do the wheel kick when you were little?

Did you act it out? Well, it's a crane. Crane kick. That's the crane. Excuse me, Karate Kid fan number one. A wheel kick is a real technique. Well, the crane kick works too. That's what Lyoto Machida knocked Randy Couture out with.

With a crane kick? Yeah. I've got to watch that. He didn't spread his arms wide, but he did do a jumping front kick and hit him in the face. I love that in karate. He pulled it out, and his opponent was like, what are you doing?

Yeah. All right, I'm going to come in for the kill here, but you're freaking me out a little bit with the hands out. The Lyoto Machida one was magnificent. And the best part about it was that Steven Seagal took credit for telling Lyoto to execute that technique. So funny. My favorite non-

traditional technique was Alan Belcher once had a guy, he was trying to take him down but you know how you go like hands around a guy for a double leg and you'll go put your head one side or the other and try to be clear of a guillotine. This guy had it straight in. So once the guy had his head between Belcher's

legs, and the whole crowd started screaming for the DDT. Oh, so the DDT is like a wrestling move, right? Yeah, I think so. I think it might be pile driver, but it's you have your head here, and just pick your waist up, and then just sit down on your head. Yeah, that's actually illegal.

It's called spiking someone on their head. It happens accidentally's actually illegal. Yeah. It's called spiking someone on their head. Like, it happens accidentally sometimes when people are trying to attempt takedowns, but you're not supposed to purposely spike someone on their head.

On their head. But he did a version of it. He heard, I think, as he let go, he heard the cheers. Right. And then he got it again like 20 seconds later.

He's like, oh, yeah. He just slammed him straight down, like face first. Oh, yeah. You can do it face first. It was so great. It's super dangerous

for the guy getting slammed oh yeah so he's fighting yes so he's walking in but it's there's been a couple paralysis paralysis um that have resulted from uh guys going for guillotines um and like getting caught in a guillotine and someone falls back and they land on their head. Like a guy, like say you're shooting in on a guy, a guy grabs a guillotine and falls back. Yeah. And then your head lands first with all his weight and your weight, and the neck just

snaps. It's happened a couple of times now. Wow. Yeah. A couple like big name camps have had guys, it's more than one occurrence and uh guys become paralysis yeah paralysis good yeah yeah anything neck is scary as shit man getting in you know your neck is pretty fucking vulnerable if somebody uh you know picks you up and your weight and his weight all slam down on your neck there's not really really much give there. It's going to go.

It's just going to go. It's going to snap. Fuck, I used to worry when I started jiu-jitsu. Every time somebody got a hold of my neck, I would start whiting out. It's scary. It's scary for people. Seattle and San Francisco, you're not going there, are you? You got like five more minutes.

Where's your flight? Right there. Is that it? Seattle and San Francisco? Yeah, it's important. This is what's called an abbreviated podcast, ladies and gentlemen. It's only like 40 minutes. But it was this or nothing.

Yeah. So I was like, let's give the people something. Yeah, we need to give the people. The people. The people. Well, thanks, fuckheads. Thanks for giving us something. You just addicted me and now I got nothing.

Have you ever thought about doing one of those Bill Burr type podcasts where you only talk yourself about stuff? I look at him as an example of what's possible and what you can do. And I started doing more rants and introductions. I'll let myself go off a little bit on that. But I have a limit to myself where it's like I have this interview coming. My podcast, Ari Shaffir, Skeptic Tank. Skeptic Tank, available on iTunes.

Please subscribe. Do you have skeptictank.com or is it arishaffir.com? Ari Shaffir Skeptic Tank Skeptic Tank available on iTunes please subscribe do you have skeptictank.com or is it ari shaffir.com ari shaffir.com ari the great.com both of them both of them

yeah and they just point and they show the whatever I did a few of them in the beginning I did a few complete solo ones solo ones

yeah I would like look at like Twitter and I was on Ustream too the fear is you have nothing to bounce yourself off

yeah but yeah if you get some Ustream questions they did that form spring I was thinking of doing that like. The fear is you have nothing to bounce yourself off. Yeah. But yeah, if you get some Ustream questions, they did that form spring. I was thinking of doing that, like a mailbag episode. Bill Simmons does this in his column. Yeah. Just answer the mailbag. When it's like, that's cool.

You can get some questions that you always get. And since I'm the interviewer, I don't really answer them mostly. So it's like, yes, I can go into that for you. Greg Proops does all of his shows solo, but he does them with an audience. In front of a crowd, which is a lot easier. Yes. But it's also really badass. Yeah.

Greg Proops is an interesting dude. I don't think that guy gets nearly enough props. He's in All Things Comedy with me in that co-op. What is that? It's me and Burr and Madrigal's podcast co-op. Is that the final? Is that you? All right.

Folks, this fucking show is over. Thanks to Stamps.com. Thank you to Squarespace. And thank you to Onnit. And if you don't know what the codes were, fucking rewind it. Jesus Christ, we're at the airport. Always got to catch a flight. And I'll be in Nashville August 21st, 22nd.

All right, you fucks. Let's call that one. Oh, and Crackers Broad Ripple, the first weekend of August. What is it? Crackers Broad Ripple, Indianapolis. Broad Ripple? Yeah. That's what it's called?

Broad Ripple, Indianapolis? Yeah, it's the name of the thing. Folks, this is the shortest podcast we've ever done. We hope for you it's been the sweetest. Ari will be back in town. When will you be back? On the 11th? July 11th? Just for one night.

Just for one night to do the show? Yeah, within mid-August. Oh, I think we're going to do another Comedy Central Storyteller Show for the website. Oh, beautiful. In mid-August when I'm there.

What are the subjects going to be? I think we're going to do fighting. Ooh. I have a good, we call it fisticuffs. Oh, okay. I have a good fighting story. And maybe the road.

I don't know. Okay. I want to do one. I'll see if I can come up with a good story. Okay. I'll come up with something I know one good story You have that's great

Okay Well tell me after this is over Okay Alright you fucks Listen Thank you everybody Who came to the show In Anchorage

We had We didn't even get to that The show in Anchorage At the Beartooth Was fucking glorious That's the perfect word for it Alaska's awesome I love it up here

I would seriously think About living here in the summers You can go fuck yourself About that all year round bullshit. Once a year, free. We get a free hunting trip out of it. You guys get a cool comedy show. We like to do comedy. It's just a fun week for us.

We're talking about coming back up here in September and shooting a moose. Boom! Last one on the face. We love you guys and we'll talk soon. Big kiss. Big kiss. Big kiss. Big kiss.

Big kiss.