The Joe Rogan Experience - #373 - Joey "CoCo" Diaz

Episode Date: July 9, 2013

Joey "CoCo" Diaz is a Cuban-American stand up comedian and actor. Joey also hosts his own podcast called "The Church of What's Happening Now" available on Spotify.

It's bad for your health. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. All day. Shaka, shaka, shaka, bang, son. We back. We live. We with Joe Diaz. Joey gave me a pot candy, and I got high holding it in my hand.

Okay? I held it in my hand, and I got nervous. And that's the low end one. These people have broken up into hybrid, sativa, and indica. holding it in my hand. Okay? I held it in my hand and I got nervous. And that's the low end one. That's the, these people have broken up into hybrid, sativa, and indica, and that is,

even Renazizi was saying he likes the chiba juice, but he likes the full boat one, the white label. Really? Which is death. Renazizi goes deep. Death.

Renazizi's out there on Long Island going deep. Those things there, I've had them with coffee in the morning before a flight and they fucking picked me up. I don't drink energy drinks because I did blow, but these things fucking picked me right up, so they're not bad.

I gave you the pain relief one, too. Okay. These guys are going deep. If you do an energy drink, it makes you want to do blow? No, no, no. I did blow for all those years, so they don't work. Oh, that's interesting. I drink fucking Red Bull and go to sleep. I drink coffee and go to sleep, to be honest. Tate could do that, too. I could drink for all those years, so they don't work. Oh, that's interesting. I drink fucking Red Bull and go to sleep.

I drink coffee and go to sleep, to be honest with you. Tate could do that, too. I could drink a cup of coffee and go right to sleep. I used to be able to do that when I had sleep apnea. I used to be able to just... I could fucking just hit the crib right after a cup of coffee. Yeah. It's amazing.

Oh, my God. I could drink two things at Starbucks and fucking pass out. Get the fuck out of here. Cuban coffee fucks me up. That, not Persian coffee. Is that what it is? Yeah. Greek coffee.

There's some coffee that's fucking out there. The caffeine is just outrageous. Greek or one of those countries. Persian. A lot of those coffees that people think are, like, really strong, it's like the taste of it, it's not necessarily the caffeine. Like, you know, espresso. Everybody assumes espresso is, like, stronger than a cup of coffee. Not really. No, it's not necessarily the caffeine. Like, you know, espresso, everybody assumes espresso's

like stronger than a cup of coffee. Not really, no. It's actually weaker. It has less. The lighter coffees are the ones with the more caffeine. Like a dark, dark coffee, apparently a dark coffee doesn't have as much caffeine as like a lighter coffee oftentimes. Like when you burn

them more, I guess, to make it dark, maybe? Does that make sense? You roast it longer. I don't know a thing about coffee. What am I talking about over here? But the first time I ever had Cuban coffee, I'm like, oh, this is like everything else Cubans do. It's crazy. You take coffee, you put a half a pound of sugar in it.

From the start, they mix it in there with a fucking wrench. It is so sweet. I couldn't believe how sweet it is. We were working in Miami at the improv, and Joey's like, you got to try the Cuban coffee, dog. Fuck all that Starbucks shit. That's for girls. Get over here.

Starbucks, have you been to Miami International Airport and see that Starbucks is always empty? That's funny. It can't compete because it's a quarter. It's 35 cents for a shot. I know. 35 cents for Cuban coffee. $1.35 at the airport. And if they give you the sugar mixed into it, you don't even feel guilty for putting that much sugar in it.

No, no, no. You're like, hey, this is what I asked for. It's like a dessert. I didn't know. It's a dessert. And this is a little pick-me-up, but people think there's more than there is, apparently. What's the highest caffeine thing you could do? Venti Starbucks.

I mean, you can get more than take pills. No, no, but I'm talking about like- And live? Yeah, Mountain Dew. I mean, you can get more to take pills. No, no, but I'm talking about like Mountain Dew. Is it Mountain Dew? Yeah, Mountain Dew. Oh, I think no. I don't think so. There's a new Mountain Dew that they put a bunch of caffeine in a while ago. Maybe they took it off the market by now.

That's the one that made me go to Cedars-Sinai for having a panic attack. Come on. Yeah, it was that exact same drink. Mountain Dew made you go to the hospital? That was the one where I pulled over on the side of the road and I sat on the curb with my phone out. I had 9-1 and had one about to push enter just because

I felt like I was having a heart attack. What do you feel, Brian? It felt like your heart is going... Can you breathe though? Weren't you high too? No, I wasn't high. You weren't high at all. I had not eaten that day, but I had one of those to wake me up. Just one?

Yeah, but it was a big ass one. I mean, this was like a humongous. Like a big goal? Like the size of a C2O. Oh, okay. Like that kind of thing. What is that, like 18 ounces? Yeah.

What's a C2O? I would say it's like 16 to 18, yeah. Yeah. But they checked me. The ambulance checked me. They were like, dude, your heart's going crazy. We need to get you inside. And then they put whatever that water in your blood is because they said I was dehydrated.

Oh, they gave you like an IV drip? Yeah, and they gave me an IV drip. But it cost me like $3,000 for this fucking Mountain Dew. That's incredible. Isn't it amazing how much it costs for an ambulance to come and just look at you and touch you? The ambulance alone was $900. Yeah, don't sign the paperwork at the end. Tell them, run out of there.

What is that? Ambulance alone was $900. Yeah, don't sign the paperwork at the end. Tell them, run out of there. What is that? So when they charge you $900, okay, is it for their time? It's the service. It's like the most expensive limo in the world, man. If I was rich, I'd be just using ambulances because you can go through lights.

What, just say you have a heart attack? Say I'm just kidding? Take me to the movies? No, no, seriously, that's a good company. Brilliant bastard. Yeah, you're brilliant. You know what? That's like a felony. Huh? No. It's a good company. Brilliant bastard. Yeah, you're brilliant. You know what? That's like a felony.

Huh? No. It's a felony for calling an ambulance. No, if you have an ambulance company and you go through all the right paperwork and you're like, you know, I need to be picked up. Dude, if this wasn't a comedy podcast, just because what you said, you'd probably go to jail under the Patriot Act. This is like a crazy right wing.

That is brilliant. Oh, so brilliant. We should all do it. Some fucking guy in Long Island right now was going, I'm going to open up an ambulance company and tell people I'm going to run through red light. Dude, trust me. That's brilliant. And they'll do it until they get fucking pulled over one night and go, what's going on here? And the person will go. I'm having a heart attack again.

No, no. I thought if I had the lights, I could run through red light. Well, no. And if you get pulled over, you're just in the back seat and go, all right, say that you're having a panic attack, and we'll just take you to the hospital. Well, there was a guy when I lived in Newton, Massachusetts. There was a guy who, which, by the way, I went back to recently, and I couldn't believe how small it was. It was really weird. It's weird when you go back home and you realize how small everything was.

You're streets on. You don't know what happened. Especially, like like Boston area like it was all those stills like little towns were separated by these little two-lane roads It's really weird. It's really weird to go back to it I Don't forgot what we're doing. You went back home and you Newton I don't fucking know either Well, what did you say just before that?

About the ambulance. Oh, the guy. That's what it was. Sorry. Sorry, folks. A guy was using the ambulance. Like, he wasn't going to an emergency. He was just using it because he wanted to get home or whatever.

He wanted to do whatever the fuck he wanted to do. He wanted to go through this light. And he slammed in this woman and killed her. And it was bad. You know, it was, I mean, they wanted him dead. I remember this. Like, people were fucking really upset that someone died because someone abused a public thing like that. You know, people expect that if an ambulance is coming through, it's risking safety because it's trying to save a life.

And this dick was just driving around. Thought it was cute to run red lights. Check this out. Woof, woof, woof. You know, slammed into somebody. I always pull over. Today, about three cop cars went by me. Me and maybe two other people pulled over. In LA, they don't fucking pull over. They don't fucking pull over.

It's scary. It's scary. Yeah, people are dickish, man. They like to wait for other people to pull over so they can pull over and follow the ambulance and cut a path through. I've seen people do that. They don't do it at all out here. I mean, Ohio, everybody, the whole fucking highway would pull over. I just saw a plane.

I'm like, this is fucking rude. California has some of the worst driving manners I've ever experienced in my life. Ever, ever, ever, ever. It's so rare, first of all, that anybody ever gets out of the fast lane. It's amazing. When you watch someone in the fast lane and then you watch someone pull up behind them, and you see them just sit there, and then the other person has to go around. Like, they look, and they know, and they know they're going slow.

They're going 60. Get out of the lane. They don't want to get out of the lane. It's my fucking lane. I don't know. It's my car. It's my lane. In the East Coast, you're dealing with these little two-lane roads. Two lanes on each side.

So everybody who's going slow goes to the fucking right. You don't want the 90 to move the fuck over. Yeah, it's that simple. That's it. It's okay. But California, it's like everything else. It's like such a wealth of lanes out here. There's so many fucking lanes on the highway. People are like, well, it's just going another lane.

Well, you really have to go fast. Like, I move over. Yeah. Check this out. Have you seen this? Rethink your drink. This shows how much sugar is in each different kind of drink, I think it is. Oh, my God. Look at Red Bull. Holy fuck.

Is that real? Or is that caffeine? It's basically caffeine. That's sugar? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Look how much sugar is in Red Bull. It's a late ball. That's insane. It's the same as a small Mountain Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Look how much sugar's in Red Bull. It's a late ball.

That's insane. It's the same as a small Mountain Dew, though. It is, right? Oh, my God. That's not even a regular-sized Mountain Dew, it looks like. And you know what? Here's the other thing. It'd be better if it was actually sugar in there.

Now, was there sugar in water? Is that what that's saying? Yeah, what is this saying about water having sugar? Yeah, there's sugar in fucking water, bottled water. How is that possible? That's not true. That's zero. That shows zero, right?

So that's Kool-Aid? No. I think that's just a reflection. Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

It's trying to get you to drink water, obviously. Yeah. Or even a little packet of Kool-Aid. That's ridiculous. That's the same amount as a little chocolate milk. That's crazy. Yeah, there's a lot of sugar in our lives, folks. We're kind of hooked on that.

Yeah, I'm trying not to drink coffee right now, and I've been drinking this Trenta-sized passion fruit iced tea every day. It has no caffeine in it, but I don't get the sweetener in it, and I get Splenda, and that's just got to give you brain cancer with that much Splenda, drinking that much Splenda. Stevia, go with the Stevia., drinking that much Splenda. Stevia. Go with the Stevia. Yeah, but Starbucks doesn't have Stevia for some reason.

We got a little package here. Take some of these home. We got a gang of them here. Why don't you think Starbucks goes on Stevia? Too expensive? I don't know. Maybe they have a deal with Splenda to keep people from knowing about Stevia. Suppressing knowledge, dog.

Yeah. Suppressing that herbal goodness stevia is delicious I it took me a little while to get used to it but knowing that it's an herbal sweetener and that there's it's like literally no strings attached it's just your body takes it in doesn't seem to have any might tell the truth does it seem to have any health recently I heard some stuff and that that's why people were telling me to go to something else, that other one that's like with an X or a Z or a Xavier. Oh, Xylitol.

Xylitol. Yeah. Xylitol. I've heard that as well. Like, some people like the Xylitol. Well, there was a reason that people were saying something recently about Stevia. Maybe I'm wrong. Okay.

Well, let's Google it. Google that. What's wrong with Stevia? What do you do, Joey? Do you do straight Stevia? I have a little Stevia at the house that Aubrey gave me. I have the blue packages. I like it because it's super strong, too.

And I have sugar, too, which I don't use. Every once in a while with the new coffee machine, I'll make a Cuban coffee. But you know what's crazy, dog? The biggest addiction I ever had was to Coca-Cola. And with the Weight Watchers, I stopped drinking soda. what's crazy, dog? The biggest addiction I ever had was to Coca-Cola. When the weight launches, I stopped drinking soda, and it was like the toughest three months of my fucking life, guys. Like, I thought it was

worse than getting off the blow, not having, like, Chinese food or something with a Coke. The other day, I had a, I went to some place to eat, and the guy goes, we're out of Diet Coke. I said, you know what? Give me a Coke. It was fucking horrible. It's too sugary. Give me a Coke. It was fucking horrible. It's too sugary.

Oh, my God. It's ridiculous. Oh, my fucking God. It was terrible. Sweat this. Stevia is used as a weight loss aid. It's used for treating diabetes, high blood pressure, and heartburn, for lowering uric acid levels, and for preventing pregnancy.

Also for increasing the strength of the muscle contractions that pump blood from the heart. Wow. Yeah. That doesn't seem like you could eat that all day. It seems like if you ate that all day, you'd have some fucking issues. I mean, maybe we should talk to Tate.

He could be our patient zero, because that dude's got stevia in his system all day. He just drinks those mugs of bulletproof coffee. I should give a plug to Tate, too, because Tate just started his own mobile coffee business. He's doing a butter coffee truck, and I guess they roll around. It's called Rolling Butter. It's rolling underscore butter on Twitter. And he's got like a butter coffee truck,

all sorts of different flavors and shit. He shows up at CrossFit events. Those CrossFit guys are junkies for that butter coffee, like bulletproof coffee with the MCT oil in it. So Tate decided to set up a truck and just roll around. He had his first event this week. He needs to go to the Arnold Classic. Oh, yeah, but the last thing you want to do is take a fucking truck all the way to ohio especially in march you in march in ohio son you might get fucked that shit might go ugly on you

it could easily snow like a bitch in march right yeah oh yeah it's about it's risky in march remember that time back when you were making the videos where that one dude he took his shirt off and you made a video about it like he took his shirt off in the audience oh right dancing around remember that guy he was hammered and then he gave me a big hug and then he was so i mean ridiculously hammered and then after the show we found him in the parking lot blood all over his face, no shirt on. Somebody beat the shit out of him. And it was like zero degrees out. We're like,

wow, take care, buddy. Get in the car. That's a fucking normal Friday night for that dude, probably. Totally. As they're telling you the story, they're pulling a tooth out of their mouth. Yeah, sometimes. Hey, fucking hit me with a bat. Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck. Damn it. When they fucking show it to you. They hit me with a bat. You got any ice on you, an extra bat, an extra jacket. What the fuck, guy? I'll tell you what. That show Friday night that we did, that was a nice place.

I had never been there before. The joint? Yeah, that was great. The joint. Well, the audience was amazing. You know, the audiences we've been getting lately are just off the charts. They're so happy. It's like such a friendly, happy group.

Like, overwhelmingly. It's amazing. I don't know how we ever pulled it off, but it's amazing. And the Joint was probably one of the best ones yet. It was one of the best crowds ever. It was amazing. It was really good. Everybody's so friendly.

That bar was great. Yeah, we had a great time. Joey and I went to that center bar, and we held court for like three hours. Three hours. Just hanging around talking to people. You know, Max Eberle got too drunk. Did you see drunk Max Eberle? Was he throwing Asians?

He was on the charts? He tortured this little Asian Jersey girl. She was half Asian, half Irish. He was torturing her. He'll torture your mom. He don't give a fuck. He's a great guy. He'll zoom in on you. It's over.

We had an awesome time. You know what? There was a lot of good vibes. Nice people. And I took the limo over to the fucking South Point. Yeah, you did another show after that, huh? At 1230, and it was Jay Davies was there, Jason Rouse was there. What is it like?

It was a late show, bro. It was mind-boggling. Really? I'm thinking of doing a weekend there. Really? I'm going to call him in August and go, give me the 1230 at 1230. Wow, is that good? And here's what's going on, that all these comics were, 1230 at 1230. Wow. Was that good?

And it was. And here's what's going on. That all these comics were. Like Bobby Collins was there. Right. Bobby Collins did 10. Some other girl did 10. It was smooth.

And I closed it. Wow. So there's like a bunch of real comics doing it. Oh, my God. There had to be 250 in there. 250 people at 1230. No shit. And what was. All the locals.

Wow. And this is what they were telling me. Like people were coming back with drinks Like people who can't Bro let me tell you something I went over there And there had to be 150 people From the joint show

No shit That showed up with tickets For me to sign We told them you were going there And they were going Listen man This is fucking amazing I just got four cocktails

That's amazing For $17 Didn't we announce it on stage That you were doing You were drinking Something was going on. I didn't know. I didn't know for sure.

People were like, hey, you're going to be at the South Point? Yeah. Went over there, seen Jay Davies. Seen a bunch of comics I hadn't seen. Just hang out drinking. Well, we should do that when we're in town, like in between big shows. Every Friday they do it. Every Friday.

1230, right? I like a 1230 spot. Eleanor was asking if you guys were going to go stop by. Because I guess they had a show at the other club at the Hard Rock the same night. Vinyl. At the other Hard Rock? Eleanor and Dice did? Yeah.

Oh, that's hilarious. So they were in the same place as us? Yeah. And they were seeing if you wanted to come before or after. I think it was before. Well, apparently his son was playing. He wanted us to come watch his son's band after my show. But we

got mobbed by people. Justin was with us, so we had some friends. He's there like every weekend, right? For a while? Something like that? It's amazing how many comics were there. A lot of guys came up

and said hello. A lot of guys I didn't recognize. I didn't know their names. Well you know what, if Vegas was like really smoothly run, there would be a real comedy scene there. I mean it doesn't make sense it wouldn't be. You're dealing with all these tourists that are coming in from out of town on a regular basis. It doesn't have to be on the strip if you have one good spot. Like think of like that steak joint, that Brazilian place we go to, Texas de Brazil, the Chujasqueria, that's nowhere near the strip.

It's way the fuck out there. It's somewhere in another part of, it's not near the casinos, but everybody goes there. Everybody goes there because it's good, because they know it's there and it's good. And there's people in town in Vegas that are always looking to do something. I know the casinos would like to keep the shows in the casinos,

and it's great to do the joint. I mean, that was perfect for us. But, like, for the local comics, like, there should be a few comedy clubs in Vegas. It seems like you could have, like, a real local scene in Vegas. I can't believe this. This is how embarrassing this is, and I hate to say this because people are going to think I'm...

We walked past Brad Garrett's, and it's like, eh. Like, we ain't going to Brad Garrett. Nobody goes to Brad Garrett. No, like, we're not going because they don't... Well, Duncan... No, no, I shouldn't say that because... Not Duncan. Dom.

Dom does it. He likes it. Yeah, he likes it. That's why, but it's like, they'll never call me. Why don't we go? It's because we're too dirty? Is that what it is? I don't know.

I think that he just likes a certain style, I think Adam Hunter did it and he liked it. He asked me. But when I see it, I'm like, ah, I never even think of it. I always assume that I'm too dirty. And then the L.A. Comedy Club hit me up when I was in Vegas saying if we wanted to go over there late at night and do a spot. What's the L.A. Comedy Club? It's at Bally's, I guess.

So there is a few comedy clubs. Yeah, there's a little action. But a lot of them have like, would they have like Roseanne bar there? Every right every night like the last we has Roseanne bought it. Okay. Let me ask you this. How does that work? How does someone do like the same town every night like five six nights a week for years? Yeah, they have new people. I know they have new people, but how do you not go crazy? Because it's fucking Vegas and has the hottest shit going on all day. It's like the best party. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But let me tell you something, buddy. Best food. Sweetie Pie. If you lived there, it's very likely you might lose your mind. Vegas has got, there's a void in that town. There's a lot of good people that live in Vegas and there's a lot of fun in Vegas. But there's this, the devil lives in Vegas. You know he does.

We all know he does. And if you lived there, if you were there, you lived there. Ooh, I don't know, Brian. I don't know. The devil has the baddest bitches, Joe. Listen, I'm 50 years old. A lot of fun in Vegas, to tell you that. Five, six years, I'm still alive.

I might want to go to Vegas. You know, you get old. Do you want to do Monday through Saturday? First off, I wouldn't stay in the casino, Joe. Of course. I'd live 45 minutes out of there. That would not be my life at all. But like, when I heard Roseanne Barr...

She's doing it? Yeah. She lives in Vegas now? No, I guess she commutes or stays. I don't know what to do. One day a week? No, she does the whole week for Jim Masada. The whole week? Yeah. Monday through, she does the 8 o'clock show. Then 10 o'clock, a lineup comes in, and they do it. No shit. Yeah.

So a lot of people, like that dude just changed it to 10. You know, Bobby couldn't make it work. It takes a certain comic to make it work. The hotel has to get behind you. Right. Vegas ain't what it used to be, dog. It's not. You know, I read an article that the UFC brings how much money per weekend when there's a

Vegas and what? I don't know. $60 million. I would imagine. And it's like, wow. Yeah. Yeah. I see it. I see imagine. And it's like, wow, yeah. I see it.

I see the fucking concessions. Pac, you know, the cheerleading competition. Mogollalo, Nebraska ain't going to do that type of stuff. This is the fucking UFC. Yeah, that's one of the reasons why it's so disgusting that it's illegal in New York. Because they would make so much money from having a UFC there. It would generate so much revenue. For the city, it would be fantastic.

And the fact that these dirty unions have kept it out for that long, it's really kind of spectacular. You imagine the UFC at Madison Square Garden. Oh my God. Just close your fucking eyes

for five fucking minutes. Oh my goodness. We go to the Palms first, we get a steak with lobster on it or some shit. A lobster fucking biscuit and a house salad.

We shoot over it. Are you fucking kidding me? A wedge with And you gotta remember that in New York, when we get out of that motherfucking UFC at 11 o'clock, because the UFC to remember that in New York when we get out of that motherfucking UFC at 11 o'clock

because the UFC ends at 1 in New York. So we'd be walking out of the garden at 1 fucking 30. It's like walking into your oyster. Your oyster?

Of life. You know how everything is open. You get anything. You get Chinese Cuban. You get Italian in the Bronx. You get fucking scongio salad.

You can get whatever the fuck you want at 1 30 in the morning. We don't have to go get a steak We go to Chinatown We got a spaghetti and clam sauce How many spots are there in LA

Where you can pull that off? At 1 in the morning There's a few Name them The Standard Dan Tana's Dan Tana's open till 2? Dan Tana's is open till 2

They serve till 2? I believe they do That's amazing I'm pretty sure I got a steak there I know one night after the comedy store Really late And it was goddamn delicious

Oh it's delicious With the cider pasta Oh so good Good googly moogly Dan Tana's is like One of those I got a steak there, I know, one night after the Comedy Store really late. And it was goddamn delicious. Oh, it's delicious with the side of pasta. Oh, so good. Good googly moogly. Dan's Hannah's is like one of those legit old school restaurants from the East Coast that exists in California somehow or another. And there's very few places like that. I'm going to tell you whatever place exists in California.

Never heard of it. Really? Santa Monica Boulevard. It's sensational. Oh, my God. I just was at the spot a couple weeks ago, one of my favorite clubs in the country, the San Jose Improv. Oh, I love that place. It's down the block from the hotel.

Everything's easy. Original Joe's. You got motherfucking original Joe's for lunch. And you go in there, you get the house salad with the spaghetti meat. I can't even eat the meatball and sausage no more. It's so much. I get so scared. I just get the fucking regular ragu sauce now.

No bread, no butter, and the house salad. They cook a fucking hell of a steak, too. They got a char-boiled grill, charcoal grill. They use real wood charcoal. No, they don't fuck around. And the waiters with those fucking things. Tuxedos. I've been eating the original Joe since 80-motherfucking-five in the Tenderloin.

Have you really? Not that one. The Tenderloin. I've never been to that one. Just as good? They just burnt. The Tenderloin. I've never been to that one. Just as good? They just burnt down. They Jewish lightened it. And then fucking something happened.

The cap back opened. Something happened. I don't know. I did San Francisco last week. I was in town. Tremendous food town. I forgot how much I loved that place. Another tremendous food town.

Yeah. You love that one hill. Every time we go, you take me to that hill to eat pasta. Yeah, Columbus. We fucking go nuts. You're like, no, we're going to this place. Is that Calzones? Yeah. Calzones on Columbus? Oh, my God. And we eat pasta. Yeah, Columbus. We fucking go nuts. You're like, no, we're going to this place. Is that Calzones? Yeah.

Calzones on Columbus? Oh, my God. And we go there after shows, too. We go there. Yeah, and that's another. That's a legit place. Yeah, that's a legit place. Yeah.

Remember there was that other place down the street where I got that video of Tommy Bunz? He was dancing. Seguro was dancing some music, and you came in. It was you, me, and Secura. Remember that? Yeah. What's that Asian place, too, that we go to? Like the really creepy one.

Oh, yeah, with Denny. Yeah, that's, well, it's in like a sketchy area where we went outside. We had some Asian food after the show. And as we left, we went outside the door and they had an aquarium drive-by filled with strippers. Oh, that's right. Do you remember that?

Yeah. We got a video of the hoe truck. It's on YouTube somewhere. This truck pulled up. We're like, this is the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life. And the cops would pull up beside them and hit the lights, tell everybody, sit down, sit down. Because they're only allowed to dance when the truck's not moving. So they had seatbelts they would have to wear.

So it's like a pole, and there's some seats, little tiny seats with seatbelts. And the fucking cop would pull up and hit the lights and there's some seats, little tiny seats with seat bolts. And the fucking cop would pull up and hit the lights and go, sit down, sit down. This girl's dancing on a pole in the back of a fucking seat. And all I could think of was imagining life from their eyes. You're naked, and you're just driving around like bait. They're chumming. They're chumming the whole city to try to get them into this club. And they're,

they're doing it by putting bait in a box. Like that's what people have been reduced to like a woman in the smallest amount of clothes legally possible with ridiculous shoes that you know, she can't run good in. And she's dancing around on a pole asking you to come with her. It's crazy. It's ridiculous. A fucking fish tank full of chicks.

I went to the Playboy Mansion, and I got to see all his rare birds. He's the largest collector of rare birds ever. Really? Yeah, and you walk in. I don't know if it's the number one, but maybe in California or whatever. On his block. Yeah, right.

But when you walk in, there's these birds there that don't even look like real birds. Like, I was thinking, like, I haven't even seen that before, like, in a book or a magazine or on TV. So when he saw it in person,

it just seemed like it was fake. It was so awesome. He has the coolest animals, like monkeys, collections that I've ever seen He's these monkeys that look like old men that just come up and they're like and have like these beards and like these mustaches They look like like like Samurai's did it freak you out that they're they're like locked in a little cage No, because they're humongous cages like like it was like having a cage be like the size of like a football field

How many acres does that dude have out? It was a lot because i i got like the full tour like most times you go to the playboy mansion you have like it's like sectioned off and you're like at the small piece of it i was there with friends of the family like the girl i was with her mom was married to hugh in the 70s and so she's just like let me show you around so so i got to go it i i don't even think i saw it all i mean i walked for long periods of times on these paths where they would have, like, these little benches, like blowjob stations, and then they'd go for another mile down the path.

I would imagine that place would be expensive as fuck to keep up. He had to staff about 100, 200 people there, too. All the time? I don't know. 100, 200 people? There's a lot of people. Could you imagine you had to pay a hundred people to run your house? Yeah.

That's craziness. Didn't Joan Rivers have some shit like that? I don't know Joan Rivers, but you know at the end of the day, that place, the comedy store, they should just pick those places up and put them together so people could see that for centuries when the world ends, is it? Because that's one of the most interesting places in the world. Fuck Disneyland with fucking rides

and Mickey Mouse. The mansion. How many cocks were really sucked there? How many dreams were broken there? How many women left there going, I'm done? You know what I'm saying? Like, I just sucked 11 cocks.

I got crabs. I got chlamydia. I'm done. And he didn't put me in the magazine. You think of what really happened in there. Because that's completely different than being on the East Coast. Yeah. That's a fucking den of broken dreams.

You know what was the coolest thing was how many older playmates were there. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were the coolest girls in the world. I was sitting in the game room smoking weed on the, I mean, I don't know if I should say. Easy. There's a room. Dis if I should say that. Easy! I was up, there was a room. Disrespect the mansion like that.

I mean, there's this room that the floor's made out of, like, a mattress. So, like, you walk in, and suddenly your feet feel weird. You're like, what the fuck? You're wearing shoes? Yeah, yeah. It's great when you get staff. Right, I know. Everybody's fucking to get staff.

But the carpet's just, it looks like carpet, but it's actually a mattress. So you just sit down. Anyways, but there was, like, these ladies that would come out of nowhere. And they were beautiful, like the most beautiful cougars ever. How old? I'd say 45, 48. How old? Wow.

And they would just come up and like, hey, guys, how's it going? Mind if I join you? And you're just like, that's the coolest chick hot chick I've got. Is that part of their occupation to sort of mingle? Well, it was July 4th. So I think it was more of just like all the old playmates. Everybody was a family. Yeah, it was like a family.

It was a Barbie Benton. Yeah. Barbie Benton. All those chicks were playmates, bro. Was she really? Barbie Benton was a playmate, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is she still doing comedy?

No. Barbie Benton from the 70s. Who are you talking about? The brunette. When we were kids, the hot brunette. Who am I thinking of? Barbie with the vein in her tit from the comedy store that used to do that weed room on fucking Vermont, the whole time. Vein in her tit.

Barbie. Yeah, yeah. What's her name? She used to have the yellow car. I don't remember. Is that what the yellow man said? She had fake tits, but they put the vein from her bicep right in her tit. Instead of a tattoo, this bitch had a big old yolk vein.

She had been doing fuckin' crunches. Not crunches, but flies all afternoon on the peck machine. Whatever the fuck it is. Oh. I kept on thinking I was gonna see Felicia Michaels. It was like a bunch of, like, people like Felicia Michaels came up to me. I was like, really? Does Felicia go there?

No, I don't think she goes there. I think she's been there to part, like, for parties, like all of us. How's she doing? She doing stand-up? Good, yeah, she's doing whatever. A lot of stand-up? I don't know, I don't know. She was a funny chick, man. Yeah, she's been there for parties like all of us. How's she doing? She doing stand-up? Good, yeah. She's doing whatever. A lot of stand-up? I don't know. She was a funny chick, man. Yeah, they were all... Everybody's doing good, but that place

is very interesting. I went there with a complete different... I did the comedy for Tom Likestay years ago on Fridays, and I go and hang out. Some of it, I can't lie to you, it's not my cup of tea. You're either going to suck my dick or you're not going to walk around naked

and talk to me like that. You know what I'm saying? I hear you. Suck my dick. I understand. But these savages were, you know, and they were just people. And you're looking at them and you feel bad,

but they're having a great time. And they have, like, people who come up there with the illusion that they're going to meet playmates. Right. Like, they had guys. Yeah, they have cologne on and shit. Polyester suits, three-piece, the shoes. It's really, it was weird.

But when you look at that place, you go, what really went on in that? Well, what's interesting to me is, if I think about it, the Playboy Mansion is that it's sort of like the last sort of house like that of a... Ever. It's not going to exist anymore. I think it's going to be a museum because when I was walking through it it felt very like

I could see this being a yeah well it should be kind of yeah you can not then that's not disrespectful at all I think that no one I mean maybe someone could do something like that in the future where they could create like a whole destination but that's a destination it's not just a house it's not just a business like it would be like oh there's the Strikeforce fights this weekend at the Playboy Mansion. They had fights there. We went to watch fights there. They had more than one mixed martial arts event there.

I met Hefner's kids, though, and his sons, and I think they're going to take over. I mean, they look like young versions of him. I could see them just stepping in and being like fucking pimps. Well, it makes sense. He would groom them. You know, why wouldn't he want to keep that business in the family? It's an iconic name, you know? It's like you can't go wrong with good management with that whole Playboy thing.

The crazy thing when I lived in Boulder. Just licensing those tattoos. Yeah. When I lived in Boulder, there was a girl in Boulder who, there was a limo in Boulder at all times. It said Hef No number one on it. And it was a white stretch limo and it had a black driver. And the chick was blonde and her claim to fame was that she was Hef's daughter. Really? And she went to the University of Colorado and they drove her everywhere in a fucking limo.

Wow, a Hef one limo. Hef one limo. Wow. How much coke she did in that limo? That's a thing. I mean, how many people? I know James Caan was associated. I watched that movie.

It was on about a month ago. That stupid movie, 21. What was that movie that the girl got killed? Eric Roberts played the creepy boyfriend. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. I'm sorry. Come on, guys.

What the fuck? She was the playmate in 1981. Sharon. I know... Come on, guys. What the fuck? She was the playmate in 1981. Sharon, come on, guys. I know Eric Roberts played Killer. They did two movies. 19 what? 19 what-ish? She was the playmate in the 80s?

Yeah, Star 80. What the fuck is wrong with me? Jesus Christ, Charlie. What the fuck is wrong? I'm stupid. Star 80 was a movie with... Eric Roberts was creepy as fuck. And he plays her boyfriend.

He discovers her in Canada. Brings her to, marries her. She's like 15. Isn't it strange when you see a guy like Eric Roberts, that you see him, he starts out, Pope of Greenwich Village. He's in this fucking unbelievable movie with Mickey Rourke. Like, just an unbelievable, still to this day, holds up.

Then one day he's on celebrity rehab. You know? For refund. In between is, like, some karate movies and shit. And, you know, for whatever reason, like, he vanishes and then has to come back. Now, that's his daughter that's blowing up right now. Who's daughter? The chick that was the...

As an actress? Yeah, the daughter was the daughter on... Star 80 right there. Yeah, Star 80. Wow. I don't even believe I've seen this movie. Yeah. He was creepy.

At the end, he fucking gets these benches. He was making weightlifting equipment. But he also, his real business, he was making sex equipment. And he takes her over there. He sits her down. He fucking ties her. He rips her legs apart. I mean, he just destroyed her, though.

Oh, no. He was a creepy motherfucker. And he shot himself. Fuck him, you know? In the movie? Yeah, he shoots himself, too. He was a creepy motherfucker. And he shot himself. Fuck him, you know. In the movie? Yeah, he shoots himself, too. His character shot himself? Two dudes.

They did two movies. They did Star Rady with this broad, and they did a different one with the guy from General Hospital now, the older guy that I married on General Hospital. You remember when they cut his thumb off? The Pope of the Grand Archive? Eric Roberts, yeah. They cut my thumb, Charlie. They cut my thumb. But, dog, what he thumb, Charlie. They got my thumb.

But, dog, what he says, the monologue, what he says to Mickey Rourke when he goes, What happened here? He goes, She left me. He goes, What? And he goes, What's wrong with you? He goes, You're not the one. Remember, he just breaks it down. He goes, Sometimes they try to embarrass you, and you've got to backhand them,

and you look them in the face and tell them, You don't look at nobody. You don't say goodnight to nobody. That whole little monologue, look at that again. and tell them, you don't look at nobody. You don't say goodnight to nobody. That whole little monologue, look at that again. Very interesting. He was excellent. Excellent. He was a really, really good actor.

That's why it's weird when you see him like one day in that crazy karate movie. Remember that shit? He played a karate master, just backfist to his knock-off horse. The saddest thing is, you ready for this? Okay. I just saw the motherfucking audition about eight weeks ago. Really? Auditioning for what? Auditioning for a

co-star like me. Alright, so that's helpful. That doesn't make any sense. I don't understand how does a guy who's that talented, and he

was in that Sylvester Stallone movie recently. He was in the first one. What is the one with Randy Couture, The Expendables? Yeah, was he?

Yeah, yeah, he was in that. Wasn't he? I don't know. Was it? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He was the bad guy. He was fucking excellent. Guy can act his ass off. And his sister don't like him. His sister doesn't like him? See, I know that when he was when they were doing... You know who his daughter is? The chick on Blow. The little girl in

Blow? The movie Blow? I don't remember that. Well, that little girl. She went on to be a Disney star. She's a Disney star. Look her up, Redman. She's like some Disney chick. But supposedly when they shoot at the fucking studios, they have security there. He can't come on the set.

And she's Julia Roberts' niece. So Julia Roberts really, like, fucking put security on her and stuff because they try to keep her away from him. I don't know the whole story. I'm just telling you what I heard secondhand when she shoots movies or TV shows. There's something going on there. I don't know exactly what the fuck the thing is. She's really cute, the kid.

She was the cute girl in Blow that he tells he's going to meet her at the end, the whole thing. Well, when he was on that celebrity rehab, it was very strange. It just didn't make any sense that he was there. It seemed like he just needed a break. Emma Roberts.

Didn't really, huh? Emma Roberts. Emma Roberts? Emma Roberts, yeah. Emma Roberts. She's real cute, right? Mm-hmm. Young girl.

She's got to be 18. Whenever someone's going to rehab for weed, they really almost need a behavioral break. They need like, you know, you're going to rehab for life. You're off the rails for everything. You know, if you really, if you go into

a rehab for weed, it's like, you just need to go somewhere. Do you think there's certain cases though that you could see going to rehab for weed?

Sure. People like, you know, like Ralphie May used to be at his prime where he would be like seriously smoking like two pounds of weed

a day or something. Well, he's a perfect example, you know, and no to ralphie but look at him yeah and so that's obviously a very impulsive person and that's where i think that it's probably you're not dealing with just the weed itself you're dealing with life in general like there's this look we're all impulsive stand-up comedians are some of the most impulsive people. There's something about the type of person that thinks to say some of the shit that we say, like the way your brain works. It's almost like an instinct for us to just be wacky.

So when you get a guy that is a stand-up comedian and then you find out he's a gambling addict, it's never a shock. It's never a shock when you find out they're blowing all their money betting on sports, like it's Norm MacDonald, or they're blowing all their money on Coke. Snow and Coke, like me for years. Yeah, like you for years. Or for me, how about I lock myself in my house and I play Quake for 12 hours a day? I'm a fucking idiot.

It's the same thing. It's like we get impulsive. We have this almost uncontrollable desire. I would be sitting around i was like i would be sitting around doing something else and all i could think i was getting back to my computer i'm like i'm just gonna get online and play some quake and everything would be okay loading myself up with caffeine and why because it's crazy it's being part of being a comedian you know so i i could kind of understand comedians being caught up in almost any, like, nutty impulse like that.

But, you know, marijuana, really? You're going to rehab for that? You're going to rehab for life, son. That's what you're doing. Life itself is just too slippery right now. You need a break, which is understandable, you know? I need to go to rehab for Jack Daniels, I think. Do you really?

How often have you been drinking? No, I mean, not for drinking in general, but I try not to drink Jack Daniels now, and it's like I miss it so much. It's so hard not to do it. I have never drank Jack Daniels my whole entire life except for the last, what, seven months? Coincidentally, the last year of your life, you've been balling out of control. I know. You're going out Leonard Skirn style, son.

You're listening to Sweet Home Alabama when your car drives off the cliff. And what's the number seven mean in the Jack Daniels? Lucky seven or some shit like that? I don't know. It says like old number seven. I don't know. It's probably like their seventh version of it that they made, if I had to guess. Let's find out.

Jack Daniels, old number seven. Seven ingredients? I gambled for about four months, and I knew it wasn't on me. Yeah, I... I gambled for four or five months, and I was like, fuck you. I don't trust myself. I'm going to give my money to some fucking idiot that's dying on a Thursday at 5 o'clock over five fucking dudes shooting a hoop.

That is not happening the rest of my fucking life. Or baseball, or fucking baskets, or anything. That was... I love going, my fucking life. Or baseball or fucking baskets or anything. I love going to Santa Anita Park in Pasadena. I take $40 with me. I go. I get a hot dog. I get a powdered beer. Once the $40 is gone, I get in my fucking car and I go home.

Did you say a powdered beer? What's a powdered beer? The beer they sell you at those stadiums. What do you think? They sell you fucking draft beer? Powdered beer. That's powdered fucking beer. That's why you get a fucking headache for three days.

You go to a football game or a UFC event, you drink three beers, wait until the fucking headache you get the next day. Yeah. You know, it's powdered fucking beer. That was real. How cool would that be, having powder beer? It's powdered beer. I'm telling you.

I ain't kidding you. Yeah, this is a weird thing, this Jack Daniels thing, because apparently the old number seven is the original recipe. I don't get it. Why would they call it old number seven? It says old number seven, also known as black label. This is the original Jack Daniels. Oh, you know what it is?

Because there's a bunch of different Jacks. One, two, three, four, five, six. There's six different Jacks. One, two, three, four, five, six. Six different Jacks. There's Silver Select, Green Label, Tennessee Honey, Single Barrel, Gentleman Jack, and Old No. 7. It's like six Chuck fucking Liddell's. Everybody there is tough. There ain't one weakling in that fucking circle.

I don't fuck with none of those cocksuckers. They'll fuck you up. Can you believe that, bro? I really have not drank Jack Daniels since New Year's in 1980. Well, he got a big bottle in the other room, boys. I had some of it this weekend. And who the fuck are you kidding? It's delicious.

Yeah. Jack Daniels and a can of Coke, you're fucking taking me for a ride. I'll tell you, Joey Diaz, I do some of my best comedy sets when I have a little Jack Daniels in my system. I'm not bullshit. I can't even smell it. I can't even fucking smell it, dog. Vegas Friday night, I had like three shots before I went on stage. He brought the bottle back there.

I seen that there was light. You motherfuckers are drinking those with Diet Cokes. Listen, I could smell them in the air. That crowd, though, was so fun. Yeah, it was fun. It was so much good stuff in the air at that show. That was such a positive show, man. That was a great show.

And the people that came out. Listen, man, that UFC Expo, if I wouldn't have fucked up my ankle, I would have gone and walked around. Yeah, you were limping a little bit. Yeah, I'm good now. The next day I was good. Something that morning, I twisted it, something with these fucking Adidas. I don't wear the high tops no more, and it fucking hurt. But the next day I was fine.

But I would have gone. What a great little thing. Yeah, it's a great little thing. You get to go to a show. You get to meet. You can roll with people. You pay $10,000. You can roll with fucking Frank Mir. They have seminars. They had all kinds of shit going on at the same time. People are teaching things.

I think it's beautiful that the UFC does that. When you were a kid, you didn't get to play football against anybody? Yeah, and you never got to talk to anybody either. No, this is it. Like, you'd do all these Q&As with Ronda Rousey and all the team that does one. This is the experience, man.

Yeah. It's a great fucking, did you, after your Q&A, did you hang and talk to people or you went to eat? As much as I could. They had a, I was doing this thing for the 20-year reunion of, or the 20-year anniversary of the UFC. There's a documentary they're doing. So they had to rush me up to this studio that they had set up.

They interviewed me for like an hour before the weigh-ins then we had to rush back to uh because i had to emcee the weigh-ins and they did the weigh-ins the fucking weigh-ins were in the arena it was insane the weigh-ins were in the mandalay bay convention center and it was fucking gigantic it was uh the event center mand Mandalay Bay Event Center, where they usually do the UFC. So the weigh-ins were mobbed. It was like 10,000 people at the weigh-ins. And when Anderson Silva and Weidman got on

stage, they went nuts. Like, you could feel this crazy electricity in the air. You know, and there was all these Brazilians that were booing when Weidman came out, and all these people were cheering for Anderson. And you hear all these accolades. You hear everybody calling him, including me, especially me,

calling him the greatest fighter in the history of the sport. How long was that kiss for? A couple minutes? A second or two. You know, just Anderson walked up to him. And Weidman walked up closer to Anderson. And then Anderson walked closer to him, and then they were face-to-face, and neither one of them budged,

so they just touched faces. And then Weidman, as they backed away, Weidman goes, I'm not scared of you, man. I'm not scared of you. And Anderson goes, Tomorrow night. I'll see you tomorrow night. He goes, I'm not scared of you. He wasn't scared of him, man. He really wasn't. And that was the difference on Saturday night. He really wasn not scared of you. He wasn't scared of him, man. He really wasn't. And that was the difference on Saturday night. He really wasn't scared of him.

He knocked him the fuck out. It's crazy. It was crazy to watch. Like, Anderson fucked around like he normally does. And, like, he more so than he normally does. He humiliates guys with that. It's a real tactic. But you've got to absolutely know what your opponent can and can't do i mean maybe he could have gotten

away with that with like a lesser guy or a guy who was like easily befuddled but one of the things they did in wideman's camp is they had people imitate that they had people like taunt him they had people spar with him and like pretend they were falling down and and dropping their hands and poking their face out and juking them and pot-shotting them and shit and doing all the stuff that Anderson always does. Because he gets you in a defensive shell. He gets you frozen up because he moves really fast. And one of his tactics is he will taunt you a little bit and then blast on you. He'll blast on you.

He can cover distance deceptively fast. So he's really good at closing the distance and cracking dudes. Sometimes he can knock them out, like the Vitor Belfort shot, or sometimes he just lights you up, like the first few exchanges with Chris Lieben. Just lit him up, lit him up, lit him up again

before you eventually stopped him. Anderson is a fucking tremendous talent, but that dropping of the hands, you leave yourself so vulnerable that even a tremendous talent like him can get knocked the fuck out. And that's one of the big lessons of Saturday night. The big lesson is everybody's vulnerable. Even the best guys are human beings, and a human being is vulnerable. The whole idea is to not get hit. And it doesn't matter who

the human being is, if their skill level's really high, it doesn't prevent them from being damaged by a solid punch. Everybody gets fucked up by a solid shot. Everybody who gets kicked in the head goes to sleep. You get wheel kicked in the head, you go night-night. It happens to everybody. It happens to

the best people in the world. That was like a big lesson Saturday night. The auditorium, the arena just shut the fuck up, didn't it? It was weird. Because the room I was in stopped. It was weird. It fucking stopped. Yeah.

Time just stopped. And it was, you know what? It's good for everybody now. Now they start from scratch again. This is going to be interesting. Well, they're trying to set up the rematch for the word is online for the New Year show, which is December 28th, which would be madness. Madness, Joey Diaz.

Do you know what kind of hype? And I guarantee you, in a rematch, Anderson Silva is going to dot his I's and cross his T's. Is this his first knockout though? He's never been knocked out in his entire career. You know how people usually get though after a knockout. Yeah, you're right. Absolutely. They become vulnerable. They become human beings. And not only that, the reality is if you get knocked out, it's easier to get knocked out again.

And who knows what's happened in training? I mean, who knows? He's sparring with, like, really high-level guys in training on a regular basis. You know, he's sparring with Machida, with Feijiao. Like, there's a lot of those black house guys that are fucking badass beasts. You know, like, who knows who's tagging him in the gym, especially when he's doing long, hard rounds. So everyone turns 38 at one point in their life. And Anderson Silva's 38.

38. So you have to think about that as well. But you know what? When I was growing up, I was 35. Dave Winfield's 35. But we both discussed this. Look at our boy. Yeah.

He's 42. How about, yeah, how about Bernard Hopkins? He's 48. Anderson's got three. That's who I was talking about. I think Anderson's got three more good, good, good battles left. And after that, you know what they are. Even more if he fights smart.

Let me tell you something, man. Before he got knocked out, he was looking lightning fast. He was slamming leg kicks in. He avoided being submitted. He got back up to his feet. He got out of a heel hook and got back up to his feet. It's not like Anderson looked bad. But what he did was he does what he does that that

taunting thing I mean when he knocks a guy out because of it it's awesome and it looks great but when you get knocked out man it's like that NOS commercial you know that NOS commercial where the guy does these flippy kicks yeah yeah yeah and the other guy just blasts him on the chin just caught him yeah boom that's um there's there's a reason why that's in a commercial that whole scene And the other guy just blasts him on the chin. Just caught him and boom. Boom. There's a reason why that's in a commercial. That whole scene plays out in the commercial as like sweet justice. Like justice to the guy who taunts.

And that's why the whole crowd was booing Anderson. They were booing Anderson when Anderson got knocked out. I mean, that's weird. But it's a natural reaction that they had no one told them that they had to boo but there was a lot of people booing there was a tremendous amount of people booing the best fighter in history because he got caught and i think that is fascinating they like they felt he let them down because he got knocked out doing something stupid and they're like yeah what did you do, man? Boo!

Meanwhile, what happened to him, man? He just lost the title. I mean, he made an assload of money, but he just lost the title in devastating fashion, and people have no empathy. Like, boo! Boo! People don't give a fuck.

People don't give a fuck. That's one of the cold realities of life. Yeah, give a fuck That's one of the cold realities of life Yeah that's That's one of the cold motherfucking realities of life dog Yeah And once the envelope sales And the glam is gone The part

Have you seen Unfortunately though That sucks man That sucks No it does That sucks about people But that's amen I saw it with my mother

I saw it with a thousand situations But you would never do that No why would I That's not my style If you were there in the audience And you saw Anderson go down Are you fucking kidding me No I was at home heartbroken Yeah I would never boo that. No, why would I? That's not my style. If you were there in the audience and you saw Anderson go down, would you imagine booing him? No, I was at home heartbroken.

I would never boo him. He's still the fuck. I know what happened. Yeah, as a fan, I'm fucking, you know, who the fuck told you to fuck around? You know, I'm the same. I don't even like fucking around when I'm walking around. Brian, I don't even like fucking around when you're walking around.

Pay fucking attention. You go to an airport and you put your shit on the line and the people in front of you, and you're like, pay fucking attention. You go to an airport and you put your shit on the line and the people in front of you, and you're like, pay fucking attention. Yes. I don't like that shit. But if you fucking do it and you pull it off, it's spectacular. It's spectacular.

Like when Anderson fought Forrest Griffin. Or when he fought fucking Damien Meyer. If you live by the sword, you die by the fucking sword. That's why it's called karma. Yeah. The fight before that, that's the first time I watched a fight I didn't want to end. Even if fucking Frankie would have knocked Rafael out or Oliveira, I would have said, listen, let him go again. Let him go six or seven rounds.

That was a great fight. Right. The fight before that was a great night of fights, bro. It was a fantastic night of fights. It was one of the most exciting nights of fights ever. Every jiu-jitsu guy is lighting a fucking candle for Roger Gracie right now. I don't know what happened there. I don't expect that.

He couldn't, for whatever reason, his MMA game is nothing like his jiu-jitsu game. It's off the chain. He should just go back to fighting in jiu-jitsu tournaments, man. There were some great fucking fights. How about Cub Swanson? Oh, my God. God damn. Oh, my God.

That was insane. That was the best that kid's ever looked. What was the move he did? His accuracy was insane. He tried a cartwheel kick. No, no, no. He went to do an uppercut. Yeah.

And he went for him, or he faked, and he came up with an uppercut. He did something very beautiful. Yeah, he was doing a lot of sneaky shit like that. Yeah, he did some beautiful shit. He's really crafty. Yeah, he was doing a lot of sneaky shit like that. Yeah, he did some beautiful shit. He's really crafty. He's very creative and unpredictable. He fakes low and kicks high. He does a lot of weird shit.

That's 155, brother? No, he's 45. He's 145. Yeah. That adds a complete difference. Yeah. Let's just put him up against a dude who wanted to fight Benson Henderson in Minneapolis. Pettis?

Let's do it. That's a fight right there. That's a hell of a fight right there. That would Let's do it. That's a fight right there. That's a hell of a fight right there. That would be a great fight. That's a fight right there. Well, I would like to see a rematch with him and Aldo because he fought Aldo and got caught with a flying knee, like a double knee, maybe like 10 seconds into the fight.

It was very quick. Aldo jumped up and nailed him on the forehead with a flying knee, cut him open. I mean, it was nasty. I mean, he didn't even get a chance to get into the fight he just got caught and i think that he's a way better fighter now than he was then i think it'll be really interesting after watching him fight siever like god damn man he let siever up yeah he lives those combinations are insane because he was so accurate like the last combination that he knocked him out with he hit him with like three or four

ridiculously accurate shots while, you know, there's a lot of chaos going on. He's scrambling after him, and he's catching him on the jaw. That was a great fight. It was a lot of great fights, man. A lot of great fights. See, people didn't give Tim Kennedy enough credit for that fight.

He took him down, man. Had his back and was slamming him in the face. He's getting punched. That's what's going on, man. J couldn't fucking believe it. Had his back and was slamming him in the face. I was like, what the fuck is going on? He's getting punched. That's what's going on, man. Jiu-jitsu is one thing, but jiu-jitsu with punches to the face by a guy who's a black belt in jiu-jitsu changes the whole game. Like, you might not be, he might be better than Tim Kennedy at straight jiu-jitsu if they had a regular jiu-jitsu match.

But Kennedy's got a good enough jiu-jitsu that he could hang he can defend himself like he's not scared to grapple with like really high level guys and he's strong as shit but kennedy is also a boxer he can hit hard when he gets it to the ground he's got real mixed martial art skills and he gets to the ground he'll thump you with punches and so the guy like hodger he's not really quite a complete mma yet. He's just this brilliant jujitsu guy who's entering into MMA. And there's guys like Kennedy out there, though, as long as they're hitting you in the face, like you're not going to submit them. It's just a completely different ballgame. You're all dizzy and shit. Your face is puffy and you can't see out of

your right eye. I mean, that's the reality of getting punched in the face. It's I don't like seeing it when guys like really good at jujitsu and I see them come to MMA and they're just getting fucked up. It kind of bothers me because I feel like they're not ready yet. If you're going to really enter into MMA, it has to be a long-term proposition and you should look at it as what are your strengths? Your strength is jiu-jitsu? Okay, what's your weakness? Your weakness is stand-up. Well, you got to fix that. You got to fix that first. You can't even think about getting in there unless you could fight in a kickboxing match because you're going to be going right away to some of the highest level guys in the world because you're Hodrick Racing.

They take a guy like that and they don't like move him along slow. He's going to fight high level guys because of his name pretty quickly and because of his reputation in jiu-jitsu. Whereas the reality of his striking is he's only been striking a few years. You need many years on the books before you go and strike with a guy like Lyoto Machida or something like that. You just need a lot of years on the books. You have to get him because he's going to light you up.

He's going to pot shot you, and he's going to crack you, and you're not going to be have to get him because he's going to light you up. He's going to hit you with, he's going to pot shot you and he's going to crack you and you're not going to be able to stop him and he's going to hit you three or four times like that and he's going to knock you out. It's a sneaky game. The striking game.

Striking game is a different game. Some guys can just adapt real quick. Like there's some Dan Henderson type dudes that like almost right away within a couple of years they're dangerous as fuck. But some dudes just never quite get the hang of it. Roy Nelson got it real fucking quick.

Real quick. That's the guy that picked it up. And you see it. You see when a jiu-jitsu guy is a real jiu-jitsu guy. His striking is very slow sometimes. Yeah. And you're saying, wow, how is he in the fucking octagon? But maybe they know something I don't. Maybe you and Sosa know something I don't know.

Yeah. Well, I think we're dealing with and Sosa know something I don't know. Yeah. Well, I think we're dealing with a new era of mixed martial artists. I don't think people are ever going to try. There's that Aldo jump flying knee. Watch this. Ba-boom. That's like the first exchange of the fight. Double flying knees him in the face.

It was insane. Cut him real bad over his eyebrow. Look at that. Face pussy. Yeah. But that's one over his eyebrow. You know, look at that. Face pussy. Yeah, I mean, but that's one of those things. Like I said, I mean, anybody who gets hit by that, that's a reality. And we, you know, a lot of great guys don't get hit like that. But if they did, that's what would happen.

You know, you can't avoid that. That was a big lesson. It's an important lesson Saturday night. Important lesson for martial artists. Because people like to think that because a big lesson it's an important lesson Saturday night important lesson for martial artists because people like to think that because a guy's really good that he can somehow or another magically take punishment better not really so it's a fucking lesson for everybody yeah that's a lesson for everything in life yeah karma's a motherfucker yeah you see it in a lot hey bro you see in basketball sometimes you'll see a team that's got a reputation to fast break

and all of a sudden this team that nobody got a reputation to fast break. And all of a sudden, this team that nobody's talking about, they fast break too. They go on the finals and the coaches say, fast break them. And the team that's been fast breaking motherfuckers, they know how to execute, but they forget how to defend the fast break. And they fucking lose. It happens all the time in different types of sports and different situations, man. The rematch is going to be absolutely fascinating. Yeah, that's going to be fascinating to see what's going to happen there.

The rematch with Weidman and Anderson Silva will be the greatest rematch in the history of the UFC, no doubt about it. And everybody's going to want to know if Weidman can do it again. And everyone's going to want to know how is Anderson going to recover. That's going to be fascinating as fuck, man. Woo! That's going to be crazy. Jesus, Joey. I can't write out a guy like Anderson Silva.

You can't. I've been right there with you watching 17 fights and the three or two before that on YouTube, whatever. You can't write this guy off. You cannot write him off. This guy is not. However. However, we've seen it with a lot of other fighters. Age takes whatever.

Yep. The money, the children, you know. It's a new age. I can't wait to see. Today I saw a picture of this Gustafson against John Jones, the fucking whatever. Look at that fight. Those are two monsters.

That's two monsters. Yeah. Well, you know, and one of the things about a guy like Anderson, we were comparing him to a guy like Bernard Hopkins, who's 10 years older than him. Watch how Bernard fights. Bernard Hopkins is a brilliant defensive fighter. Brilliant.

You very rarely see Bernard Hopkins get clipped. And when he gets clipped, his boxing is good enough that he knows how to go into a shell. He knows how to move. He knows how to give you angles. And he gets away with shit. He's got a good chin and he gets away with shit. And one of the reasons why he's got a good chin is he hasn't taken a beating ever. He's never taken a beating his entire career.

You know, Bernard Hopkins, like, he kept his skills past any of the fighters of his prime. Like, think about his fight with Roy Jones Jr. Like, him and Roy Jones Jr., they duked it out once, and Roy beat him. But when they duked it out a second time, Bernard Hopkins basically just, like, boxed him. Just boxed him up. Because Bernard's skills hadn't deteriorated like Roy's reflexes. Like, Roy's skills were so reflex-based. He was so speed and reflex-based.

In my opinion, he was the scariest boxer that you would ever have to compete against. I mean, Mike Tyson was ferocious and terrifying. So I shouldn't say he was, man, it was close. That was actually a line in a Nas song. This is Welcome to the New World. The new Mike Tyson's Roy Jones. That was because Roy Jones was just knocking everyone silly. He didn't do it the same way that Tyson did.

He did it with just like speed and ridiculous combinations and insane accuracy. He could just move in like speed and ridiculous combinations and insane accuracy. He could just move in a way that other dudes couldn't move. Like if you go back and watch like his highlight reels, God damn, he was amazing. But he fought like this weird style with your hands down and he didn't throw a lot of jabs. He threw like a leaping left hook, but he was so fast with it. he would just catch guys on the chin. He would light them up with it. He threw a lot of lead right hands.

He had like a different style, and his style was based on his ability to cover ground and his accuracy. And as soon as he started getting older and started getting hit and slowed down, that style was like now actually a detriment. And so he stopped being offensive. Like one of the most disheartening things about watching Roy Jones Jr. fight now is not that he's still fighting, is that he's not hurting anybody. Like when you watch him fight, he has to be much more defensive.

He's been knocked out a few times now. So now it's like his boxing is almost like he's boxing. He's trying to win, but he's also trying to not get knocked out. How old is he now? I believe he's he's boxing he's trying to win but he's also trying to not get knocked out how old is he though i believe he's 40 now does he owes money yeah he wants to get an mma that's why he was dead the word is uh there was an article uh about some tax issues and some you know i would imagine that he thinks that there's some good money for him in mma and even at his age all the fights that he's been in, the toll that that takes on your body, his boxing skills are so far and above the average MMA fighter that it

would be kind of interesting. Especially if you give a guy like Roy Jones Jr. little tiny gloves. Think of how fast he is with regular gloves. You know, I mean, imagine. Give Manny Pacquiao little MMA gloves and imagine how quick he's punching you in the face. Can you even see it coming? I mean, how do you even stop that? There's like four ounces on them as opposed to, what is it, six or eight that he's wearing on a regular basis?

That's a big difference, man. Those little tiny knuckle gloves, that's a big difference. A guy like Manny Pacquiao got an MMA. Jesus. Just teach him some butterfly guard, how to sprawl, how to get back to your feet. Just work with him on that for a couple of years and set him loose. How old is Manny now? It's a good question.

He's in his 30s, right? 36, Manny Pacquiao. How old is Manny Pacquiao? Hey, don't be a dick. I don't know how to say it right. Would you like me to search the web for... Yes. Searching the web for how old is Manny Pacquiao?

Pacquiao! Yeah. Pacquiao. What the fuck? He was born December 17th. He's 34. 34. Oh, he's a young man.

No, he's not. No, he's not. No, he's not. Not in the world of boxing. The world of boxing is a different world. There's only a few Bernard Hopkins. As a matter of fact, he's the only one that I can even think of. There's no one else that's managed to keep their career going that deep into their 40s. No one in the world of boxing.

But Barney Macchio's 34. Right. What I'm saying is he hasn't taken a lot of beatings. Yes, he has. He has taken a lot of beatings. Yes, he has. He has taken a lot of beatings. Yeah, he's been in some wars. And that last knockout, that Juan Manuel Marquez knockout, that's a career changer.

That's a career changer. Because he ran into a telephone pole right hand. I mean, literally ran into it. So it was him moving forward really fast and Marquez catching him on the button. And they had two wars before that where they dropped each other. So those guys have gone through those fights. And then the fight he lost with Bradley, that wasn't a war,

but it was a tough fight. But if you go back to some of his fights before then, he had been in some crazy fights. Even though he's still winning and looking spectacular, there's some wild exchanges. 34. Yeah. And, you know, who knows?

I mean, there was also, like, rampant speculation of performance-enhancing substances. I don't know if that's true or not, you know. And then there's always the question are they when when fighters do those things it's like um are they going to continue to do them how are they going to like regulate it how how do they like when you hit like really high peaks like performance enhancing drug peaks the real issue is if they are doing something illegal how are they going to maintain that level and will they maintain that level it's an artificial level so it's like you're gonna go ups and downs you got to take time off in between doing it you got to make sure you catch it right and sometimes they don't and when they don't you know you'll see like real inconsistencies in their performance you

see them when they look absolutely sensational and then you see them when they're in this like lull spot in between cycles who's not doing drugs please tell me it's a good question Who's not doing drugs? Can you please tell me? That's a good question. Who's not doing drugs? That's a good question. I think a lot of fighters aren't doing drugs. I know BJ Penn, I don't say I know, but I'm pretty sure.

I mean, I don't think he would lie about that. That's part of like his whole honor with the whole fight game. And John Fitch, I think, is another one. I don't think John Fitch has ever done anything. I personally talked to him about it, and he said he would never be able to live it himself if, you know, he knew that he got there because he was doing something. He was using something. That dude got really far with just like fucking grittiness and toughness and will, you know, without any enhancement to his body artificial. But there's a lot of folks out there that do do it. I don't know how many. You wouldn't know unless you're there with them.

It's all speculation. Because some guys just have sensational genetics. Some guys are just unbelievably robust. And they heal quick. And they look great. And you would swear that they're on something. But they're not on shit. You know?

Which is part of the weird argument. Because not everybody is born. Everybody says it's an even playing field. But it's not know if you're fighting you're fighting john jones you're five foot two there's no evil even playing field oh you both weigh 205 yeah i should be fine there's not an even playing field you're crazy he has a super body you can't you don't have a chance it's not even and there's nothing you can do by the way you can take all the steroids in the world you're never going to beat john jones he had the mechanical advantage of his frame and his It's not even And there's nothing you can do by the way You can take all the steroids in the world You're never gonna beat John Jones He had the mechanical advantage of his frame

And his athleticism The average guy Is never gonna be able to fuck with that But you figure like every actor over 50 right now In Hollywood is shooting fucking shit Musicians are on the tour doing They're 60 and 70 They're shooting shit

Well most of the guys I think use the cream They use You see those cream ads, testosterone cream. Now, what about the spray that a friend said is going to be huge as a spray? Yeah, it's an oral spray. Is it good? Yes. Really?

That's going to be the next one. Yes. Apparently, the absorption rate is even better than rubbing it on your skin, the transdermal method. It's better when you put it in your mouth. than rubbing it on your skin, the transdermal method. It's better when you put it in your mouth. You spray it. You give yourself a shot in the morning with your mouthwash.

Do your mouthwash, and then give yourself a shot of testosterone, and you're off on your way. Is that cream you have to rub all over your whole entire body? You rub it on your upper arms and shoulders. What if you just masturbated with it? You could masturbate with it, I guess. Would it help anything? Maybe.

But what if you cleaned up, and you accidentally cleaned up your test cream because you thought it was just jizz? And you would waste some of your test cream. Unless you're a dirty bastard and you just nut all over yourself and then pull your underwear over it and let it all cook. Let it all stew inside your ball sack area. I've been masturbating with Monistat once a week now because it keeps your levels down. Your levels of what? AIDS? you have what is monistat first of all does that some shit women use for yeast infection yeah absolutely what is wrong because I found out that you can have guys have yeast infections and that's why you'd like if

you have sex with a girl and she has a yeast infection a lot of times you gave it to her because you have don't usually any symptoms. So one of the things to get rid of that is put monostat on your dick and around your balls and around that shit at least once a month. He's like, every 20 minutes. Here's the weirdest thing, Joe Rogan. In 94, I was an open mic comic. I was getting divorced and I moved to New York. And I would work in the city and I was on the coke and I had to send child support. And I just couldn't make it all work. So part of my angle every morning, I get a suit before I went would work in the city and i was on the coke and i had to send child support i just couldn't make it all work so part of my angle every morning i get a suit before i went

to work in the city i go to fort lee amp right there by the george washington bridge and they just finished stocking the shelves and i had a briefcase like a bookcase like i was a businessman going to the city and i put monistat in there in the cases and uh monistat and there was something else they liked like uh not the little aspirins but the big aspirins uh-huh and i'd walk over the george washington bridge take it to a bodega and that's all they would buy from you is yeast infection medication like that's what they tell you when you brought them shit they're like keep bringing it that's the most important thing up in spanish harlem oh my god it's 7. So I would walk it over the bridge.

I got like 60, 70 bucks in those days. I was an open mic. I didn't give a fuck. I was just going over there just enough to have money to get a hot dog, a bag of weed, and do whatever. That's how crazy. The guys would say, make sure it's the Monistat. Bring the Monistat. Monistat 7.

Isn't it amazing how much people identify with their genitals? Because there's a thing that women hate more than anything. want more than anything is left I'm this massive generalization that has taught myself but there's one thing that a lot of women really do not appreciate and that's stinky pussy jokes you know you could talk about your stinky feet you can talk about a girl stinky feet and talk about a girl's breath you can talk about a girl's butt. You can talk about a girl's butt. You can't talk about a girl's stinky pussy. To them? To them. There's a lot of people that

don't like when you talk about it even on stage. Really? Yes, yes, yes. I've seen someone do a stinky pussy joke and then I've seen women in the audience going, oh, come on. Just upset that you put that possibility out there. I've never smelt a bad fucking pussy

like what people talk about. That's because you did a lot of coke. No. Your nose is now broke. I'm going to fucking against that. If I pick up a chick at a bar and she's dirty, I'm going to make that chick take a shower. It's not going to help.

Oh, yes, it will. It won't help a yeast infection. No, no. Oh, no, no. I'm lying to you. I finger banged a girl in Idaho Falls, an Indian, an American Indian. I think she had those Daisy Dukes on. I was doing one of those triple one-nighters, and I'm all horned up, though.

I got like $32. I got no blow. I'm drinking Budweiser. I'm fucking furious. And I'm dancing, and she let me touch her ass. Joe Rogan, and I stick my hand in like this way, like four-finger lube. Oh, my God. Like riding a fucking twat

And I had that Fucking yogurt On my finger In your hand Look at the size Of his hands And I was fingering It this way

You know Bruce Lee You know I was Fingering it this way Like Makiwara Like Makiwara style And I took it out Iron palm I was dancing with it

And I could smell my hand Oh no And that was it I remember I just Fucked him Oh no So I gotta go do something That's a sad moment And I was so. I remember I just fucking went, so I gotta go do something. That's a sad moment.

You can't get it off. Do you know that the smell of fish is actually from old cum, usually. So if it's a really strong fish smell, that means there's cum inside of her. That's funny, because that's what my balls always smell like if I jerk off and don't wipe up.

It smells like fish. This is what it smells like. So I realize I'm pathetic. I used to date this girl And I was a dirty freak Wipe out my own jizz I'd shoot Sheet of my pubes

And pull my underwear out By the way I've done that dozens of times In my life too What do you do? Not just once I'd shoot If I jerk off

I'd just shoot a load On my pubes I don't even bother Cleaning it up I just pull my underwear up I do that Especially when I'm in the house I'm like as long as it's covered

What do I give a fuck If I'm in the hotel And by myself I'll bang one eye Right in the shorts I don't give a fuck Who cares I'd bang one like, as long as it's covered, what do I give a fuck? If I'm in the hotel and by myself, I'll bang one on the bed and lay down. I don't give a fuck. It's my own fucking. All day. It's my own fucking. Fuck it.

This is my little tropical helmet juice. But that was the only time I really ever, like, I dated a chick that one. Before I started dating her, the chick was a little pre- This was when I was like 19, 20. And I didn't know what to expect of a pussy. It didn't smell like anything. Oh, my goodness. She took care of it.

What happened? No, that. What? She took care of it. No, that's good. I would sniff it and everything. I never sniffed nothing. It was delicious.

I knew a girl when I was young that had a problem. Did you say something to her? No, I did not. I was too- I couldn't. I mean, it was back then when, you know, when you're in your teenage years and you're fooling around. You don't know what the hell you're doing. The last thing you're going to do is start bringing things up.

Did you keep eating it? Oh, no. There was none of that. No, there was none of that going on. She didn't want you to do that. She knew something was wrong, but it was just like it was one of those things where I bet she was a Catholic girl and I bet her parents didn't talk to her about it. I bet she had no idea and I bet she thought that's just what they smelled like,

you know, and it was, it was unfortunate, you know, she figured it out later though, later in life. She called you up and told you? No, no, no. I, I, I hooked up with her later when I was in like in my twenties like once. And, uh, I was like, Oh, it's all, all cleaned up now. Imagine if it still was a mess Like longest running yeast infection ever No one ever talked to her

It was just like always this thing That was never discussed Do you ever prejudge a woman Like do you judge a woman And go that chick's pussy stinks Like sometimes I look at a woman And I go I guarantee her pussy smells Fucking horrible

You know her ass I can look at a chick and go I guarantee her ass smells fucking bad Well if you've seen a girl That's like a sloppy drunk With dirty feet You gotta imagine there's something going on. I always go by weight, usually.

Bigger girls have a worse smell? Yeah, because they could be trying to clean their pussy for the last five years and it was the wrong crack. Yeah, but I dated this Italian skinny chick that had a little wang to her monkey when I was a kid. A little wang to her monkey? It didn't stop me from eating her. She was skinny. A slight wang. She had to be like 90 pounds, but her pussy weighed 60.

She was one of those chicks, and she was Italian, so it smelled like fucking, it was tremendous. Like mozzarella? Like mozzarella. By the way, dog, when you were in Encino, down the block from that fucking Cuban joint you turned me on to, that Domingo's ain't bad, huh? Is it? I've been. Yeah. I got the meatball sandwich.

I got the calamari salad. Where is that? Is it? I've been. Yeah. I got the meatball sandwich. I got the calamari salad. Where is that? Is it like a deli? Yeah. Right up the block from fucking- Ventura? Yeah. Oh.

Domingo's. I went there the other day. A lot of good restaurants on that street. A lot of good restaurants. Bro, somebody was telling me that's Ventura by my house, like Studio Set. That's where they invented sushi. Is that true? No.

Fucking people are like, bro, that's where they invented sushi and shit. They invented sushi in Japan. I don't know. You never know no more. Let me tell you something. You're Italian, right? You've been Italian all your life. When did you eat ciabatta bread?

A year ago. I never. You know what I'm saying? You never ate ciabatta bread. I never even heard of it. There was never ciabatta bread. There's shit that they invent now that even the fucking people don't. The Mexicans Taco Bell invents more shit than Spanish people.

Yeah, chalupas and galupas. Chalangas. Even Mexicans are like, what the fuck are they talking about? So you never know anymore. I don't know what they invent. This issue was invented on Van Nuys. Yeah, what's Taco Bell doing commercials where they have chefs pretending that the flavor had to be just right? Like they have a shit.

Don't put anything online. Don't get us defamed. Huh? I'm not doing it. Don't put up any images. But you know that commercial? I thought you were going to throw it. Oh, yeah, the little lady with the Mexican woman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's smelling vegetables. Like, really? I'm going to make sugar agaric fucking fresh. She's smelling the fucking vegetables. Get out of here, Wolfgang. With those fucking radiation shit. Yeah, and who does that also is Domino's.

Like, have you had Domino's? Yeah, yeah, Domino's. No, no, I want also is Domino's. Like, have you had Domino's? Yeah, yeah. It's like, what the fuck? Yeah, it's frozen pizza crust with shitty sauce. Is Domino's frozen? I don't think they're frozen. I don't think anybody does that. But, yeah. Olive Garden.

Olive Garden's food is frozen. Is it? I think so. Oh, come on. I think that what the story is, is that they get things almost like frozen food, where they just kind of thaw it out on noodles. The whole thing's just frozen. Get the fuck out of here. You can't say that unless you know for sure.

We can get in trouble. Allegedly. Stop your allegedly. You've got to stop doing that, dude. You're going to get people sued. Google it. You can't just say the Olive Garden does that. You're the one who's always talking about the fucking Olive Garden

like it's so awesome. Now you're turning on them. This is a classic case of a relationship gone bad. People get used to each other, and then they turn on them. At one time, you were my love, and now I hate you. The truth behind their school. Will you read up on that and get back to us later, all right? Read it up.

You can't be defaming a fine American institution. Jesus Christ. I said a legend. How dare you? No, but I know you're in that area. That whole area is bomb. Is it really bomb? That fucking Versailles, I love that place.

That Cuban joint that we go to. The chicken with the fucking beans. Everybody says that. Chicken with garlic. The garlic chicken with onions. Amazing, man. You like onions? I love them.

They smother it with onions. Yeah, that's what they do. Cuban style. That chicken is so goddamn good. It's the best chicken in the world? I love them. They smother it with onions. Yeah, that's what they do. Cuban style. That chicken is so goddamn good. It's the best chicken in the world. I love that chicken. Yeah, that Domingo's is next to the Baklava factory. Okay.

I know exactly where it is. Right in there. And they fucking make, I mean, I've been hearing it from Steve Simone, D'Agostino. And then D'Agostino brought me a half a meatball sandwich. I was going to taste this, and I was like, yeah. There's an episode of Anthony Bourdain's show where he goes to this spot in New York City that's been around since the 1800s with the same family.

And they bring him over spaghetti with gravy and meatballs. And that's what they call it, gravy. Gravy, yeah. They called it gravy back then. It's like old style East Coast Italian. And you look at the spaghetti is yellow. And the sauce is red. Red lead.

You look at that meatball, and you're like, oh, my God. That's red lead. Lead? That's what kills you. Like, you've got to eat that at five and go for a walk. Red lead. Because it just tranquilizes you. It's red lead.

What do they put in that? What do real Gimmies put in that sauce? Let's get down to it. Sausage. They put brussel. Meat. Brussel. Sausage.

Yeah. Meat. Nothing healthy. No. Like, now. They put brussel. Meat. Brussel. Sausage. Yeah. Meat. Nothing healthy. No. Like now, Italians, now, for the last 10 years, now, real Italians, because of their heart, they eat turkey. They put a little turkey in that motherfucker. It tastes the same, dog.

Don't worry. Turkey. You already written on it, dog. It tastes the same. That shit started 10 years ago. Yeah. But you think about what red lead is. They put the beef, the fucking-

Sunday sauce. Yeah. There's nothing healthy in there. Yeah. They you think about what red lead is. They put the beef, the fucking- Sunday sauce. Yeah. There's nothing healthy in there. Yeah. They always had a Sunday sauce. And the Sunday sauce would be just all kinds of shit. Sausage and meatballs. Why don't you go to sleep after you eat it?

How many protein grams do you- your body assimilates, what, 30 grams? I don't know. Something like that. Yeah, 30. You need 150 a day to build muscle. That shit is 90. 90,000. Your body crashes.

Like, your body crashes, dog. And the fat from the pork fat. And the pork and the fucking bread. That's where the flavor, the pork's the flavor. That's the flavor, dog. Good for us? Yeah, oh my God. Oh, you gotta have the pork.

The pork's the flavor. Don't put too much. Don't put too much onions. I put one onion. I put one onion. That fucking scene makes me hungry every time. When Paulie's slicing the garlic with the razor blade. With a manicure.

Oh, my goodness. With a fucking manicure in jail. In jail. Flippers. What do you got? What do you got? What do you got for us? We got some bread thrown over here.

We got some wine. We got salami. We got some gabajudo. I got some prosciutto. If that was really, I wonder if that was really how they lived in jail. Yeah, they did. They really, really did. You could get anything in there. That's amazing. You know, I called. that was really how they lived in jail. Yeah, they did. They really, really did. You could get anything in there.

That's amazing. I'm trying to do a special. So I'm trying to figure out what to do, and it's between Houston and Denver. But if I do it in Denver, I'm going to go close to where I did time. At Camp George West. It's a little camp right by Golden, Colorado, the House of Coors. Dude, I think I want to do my next special in Denver. Yeah, I think that's the place to go. I think I'm going to do my next special in Denver. Yeah, I think that's the place to go.

I think I'm going to do my next special at a comedy club. Really? Yeah. I think I'm going to do my next one at the Comedy Works in Denver. That's not a bad idea. Yeah, I haven't talked to Wendy about it. Take it back, old school. It's one of my favorite places to be.

Yeah, yeah, I like those small things, too. That's the problem. I want a comedy club, but I hear that some comedy clubs, you've got to give them 20 grand. When you're saying you, oh, no. When you're saying you would do it near where you got arrested, like where was that? I got arrested in Boulder, so I could do the Fox Theater. Boulder's great. I could do a bunch of stuff in Boulder.

Do Boulder while school's in session? Are you fucking kidding me? We could go there anytime we want. You tell me you want to book a show in Boulder, I'll book a show with you tomorrow in Boulder. I'll book it, man. I love it. I've been trying to kidnap my wife and bring her back there forever. Boulder is the shit.

That's the greatest town on earth. I mean, it's right up there with Alaska, that Anchorage, Alaska, but Alaska gets too cold. Boulder gets like towering. How good was the fish up there, though? It's incredible. Did you get any halibut? Did you eat any halibut? No, yeah. No, I think we had some halibut. What were the fish you were catching? Oh, I had some crab legs. How good were they? Oh, amazing. It's amazing. Did you get any halibut? Did you eat any halibut? No, yeah. No, I think we had some halibut.

What were the fish you were catching? Oh, I had some crab legs. How good were they? Oh, amazing. It was amazing. You're getting them fresh. You're getting fresh Alaskan king crab legs. Fuck Galston's with their bullshit $82 and it gets here two days later.

What's really badass about Alaska is the people, though. The people are just top notch, man. They were so fucking cool. They couldn't have been cooler. It was just like one of those places you're like, oh, I get it. When you're just there for a day, you're just like, oh, man, people are different up here. They're different because they got to deal with an extreme climate and they all bond together. You know?

Like they were talking, one of the dudes that was working there was talking about Jewel. You know, because Jew jewel is from alaska and apparently something happened once where she had to cancel a show and uh then when she came back after she had canceled there was like really low attendance because people were disappointed they don't forgive you for stuff like that like they think like you like you you're a part of a community and if you cancel something especially if you don't have like the best excuse ever they get upset at you i don't know they said she's normal they said she's like a normal person she's out there just you know everybody knows where her house is no one nobody fucks with her by the way it's like just normal have you watched the

liberace movie no on hbo i heard you were doing a bit about it on stage. I didn't hear it. I loved it. I loved it. Really? To some people, for me, it's to see what I've seen growing up. Creepy old fags trying to pick up young fucking guys and doing it. And how he did it, Joe. How he did it.

He had a lawyer. He had his manager that would just write the people checks and you had to give him the jewelry back. It was brilliant. That's funny. I'll tell you what he did. Matt Damon's character, he made him get plastic surgery to look like him. Watch the fucking movie.

That's hilarious. Watch the fucking movie. You're going to die. You're going to die when he gets Matt Damon in side control with his dick in his mouth. Oh, my God. He goes, look who's up. Oh, my God. And he just swallows that fucking sword.

Listen to me. Watch the movie. Is it really that good? Just watch the movie, Doug. That sounds amazing. It's probably going to be like Brokeback Mountain. That sounds amazing. It's not like Brokeback Mountain, but it's interesting to see.

You know, listen, man. We've heard some fucked up shit living in Hollywood. We've heard a lot of stories. Yes. But you never heard of a motherfucker making another motherfucker do plastic surgery to look like him. And then threw his ass out and gave him 75 grand. Wow. So I found out the Olive Garden thing, I guess it used to be fresher.

Back in the day, they used to make noodles out in the open so everyone could see it and stuff. But to cut costs, they've kind of cut certain things down. But it's not frozen. But a lot of people were saying, always say the sauces were always frozen. Supposedly half the shit's frozen, half of it's not. But just like every other restaurant, you don't get chicken, raw chicken every day. Listen, if you want low prices, you got to deal with that shit. So this Liberace movie, it's called Behind the Candelabra.

And when did it come out? It came out about two months ago, and I didn't watch it. I didn't know what it was, and I got stuck watching it one night, and I'm like, what the fuck? This is amazing. He was a veterinarian, and now this guy picked him up. And now he got rid of the guy. He was a veterinarian? How he got rid of the guy before him, like that he just got rid of him.

And then he had a bunch of guys, and now he would just latch on to young guys and touch their leg. It was just really, you got to just see the fucking thing. Well, that's the thing with baller gay dudes. Baller gay. Baller gay dudes, they get twinks. These guys are real old school fags, bro. He had a wig. He had a wig.

He sucked that, he was sucking dick without his wig on. Did he take his wig off in the movie? Oh, yeah. The first time Matt Damon, he goes, ah, who's this? And he goes, oh, that's the first time you saw me without a wig. And it's fucking Michael Douglas. Oh, my God. Yeah, you got it just in 20, 30 minutes.

I'm watching that. I'm watching that tonight. That's my favorite new movie, and I haven't even seen it. That might be my favorite movie, and I haven't even seen it. You know, when I first got here in 98, the big thing was that book, You'll Never Work in This Town Again. Remember that hooker wrote a book? Yeah.

And she had Don Henley in the book and Charlie Sheen. How rude. Don Henley would get five hookers, tell them to bend over. They weren't even allowed to pop their head open. They were all in downward dog for hours. Nobody in that group of hookers had carpal tunnel syndrome. Do you understand me? Right.

He would make five hookers come over, put them in downward. I'm not trying to be cute. He'd do coke and walk around with a robe and put his dick in them, pump them twice, take it out, walk over to the other hooker, pump it twice, then look at them and go put on Hotel California and sit down. Do two more lines of coke. Put it up in the Hotel California.

That was before Viagra, too. This is before Viagra. But he asked them, he asked him, Liberace. He's like, how do you do it? How do you fucking do it? How did you fuck me four times today? So there's shit in there, too. You can see Liberace does the poppers, and Matt Damon won't sniff the poppers.

Wow, this sounds like the best movie ever. Now, does poppers make you get your dick hard? I thought poppers was like a relaxing thing. I'm not a Popper type of guy, but in the gay community, I guess when you fuck another guy in the muffler, you hit him with a Popper, and it keeps his dick hard. I don't know. So please don't quote me.

Don't quote me. A Popper. I was never into Popper. What do they call it? What's the little fucking thing, guys? Emile Nitrates. But what's the brand? Locker Room?

What is it? Is there a brand? There's a brand of Popper? Yeah. I don't know. I've never taken it. I don't. But what's, there's a brand. Locker Room? What is it? Is there a brand? There's a brand of popper? Yeah. I don't know. I've never taken, I don't even know what a popper is.

Brian's got one up his butt right now. Brian's got him in his fucking house. That's his middle name in Columbus, Popper. The fuck are you kidding? This motherfucker

was making six graders sniff that shit. It's popper speed? No, it's this joint. It's this drink And what happened was One time at the Miami Improv

Had a Had a condo Across the street from it The old Miami Improv And it belonged to one of the owners It was where he put his mistresses And shit But after he bought the club

He donated it to the club And it had the bed and the wall I must have fucked 80 women in there I used to tie them up up there I would tie them up And put coke rocks in their pussy and shit. And they would all wake up tied up like Jesus and shit. And if you get that bed,

you can still see like eight ropes. I always had to get a new rope to tie them up. But one time I wasn't there and they called me like, where are you? And I'm like, I'm in LA. What's going on? They're like, were you at the condo two weeks ago? And I'm like, no. And they're like, because whoever was there left a mess and they left a thousand poppers. Oh, no. I was condo two weeks ago? And I'm like, no. And they're like, because whoever was there left a mess,

and they left 1,000 poppers. Oh, no. I was like the type of mother. I snore coke, dog. Don't confuse me with doing fucking poppers. And it was a little thing like this. And you opened it, and it had locker in it. It was like locker room or something.

That's what it was called? And you would sniff it, and it would get you high for 60 seconds. Get the fuck out of here. That shit's supposed to give you instant brain damage, too. It's supposed to also give you AIDS, I think. No, that was what... Duesberg was claiming that that was a part of... I shouldn't even...

That was the most controversial podcast we ever did. Who? The AIDS podcast. We had this guy, Peter Duesberg. And Duesberg is a professor at the University of California, Berkeley. He's a biologist, and he was the one that said that HIV doesn't cause AIDS. So we had this guy on and tried to have him explain it to us. Of course, we're idiots, so we don't know if what he's saying is right or wrong.

He might be completely full of shit. He might be making shit up. Brian and I have no idea. And so I said, well, let me get Matt Staggs to see if he can get someone to debate him. Nobody would debate the dude. Everybody was telling me I was an asshole for having him on. Cause okay. I don't know. But do you, are you sure that he's not right? He's a goddamn biologist at the university of California, Berkeley published biologist who has recent, all this like peer reviewed research on cancer that everybody respects. And he's saying crazy shit like HIV doesn't cause AIDS.

The problem is I'm an idiot, okay? So when I go online and I try to read the arguments, like whether or not it does or doesn't, it seems to me that if more people are saying it does, then I would go with them. This is because they're scientists, right? There's a few of these rogue guys like him that say it's just they're taking amyl nitrate and they're taking crystal meth and they're just crushing their immune system.

And that's why these guys are all getting sick. And it's not HIV killing them. It's partying that's killing them. But then people say, oh, he's a homophobe for saying this and it's a terrible thing he's doing and it's an injustice and blood is on his hands and people are still dying of AIDS.

So he's saying that people are getting HIV because they don't take care of themselves. Exactly. They go to drugs. Here's what a copper bottle looks like. This is a whole lot of Iraq. So if anybody saying that people are getting HIV because they don't take care of themselves. Exactly. Because of the drugs. Exactly. Here's what a popper bottle looks like. This is a whole lot of Iraqi horse. Yeah, exactly. If anybody hears this and you know-

Rush, rush. I'm sorry. Oh, that's legal? Iraqi horse. Yeah, you can just buy them in the stores. For what? What's the use for it? What are you supposed to use it for?

Oh my God, wholesale gay poppers. I told you. That's legal? Yeah. Hold on, son. Go back. Listen, I don't think- Uncle Joey's dropping knowledge on you motherfuckers today.

Don't promote these because these are probably killing people. But if anybody knows anybody that's a biologist who wants a date or date? What the fuck, Peter Duesberg? Show him some AIDS. No. Debate. My apologies, Mr. Duesberg.

Sir, it was just a joke. I'm a comedian. If it was any other show, you'd probably really be mad at me right now, but those jokes happen often. I wanted someone to debate him, but nobody wanted to have any piece of shit. Because he was too intelligent or because? No. I think it's like a Holocaust denier. If you debate a Holocaust denier, you're actually giving them some form of credit.

By even debating them, especially if a legit historian sits down with a Holocaust denier. It's such a preposterous idea that even to be connected with it is somehow or another promoting it. And so it's so distasteful that nobody wants to talk to a Holocaust denier. You don't even give them the time of day. A Holocaust denier? Yes.

Okay. A denier. Someone who says the Holocaust didn't happen. There's a lot of people like that out there, by the way. There's a lot of crazy fucks that think that the concentration camps, and I'm going to get some tweets now. What you need to know is that they exaggerated the numbers. What I need to know is why are you concentrating on that?

Why are you even trying to doubt that aspect of history? I mean, have you ever watched those videos where you see those poor fucking people being led to the concentration camps? There's no doubt horrific shit went on, you know, that you trying to reduce the numbers. It's actually four million, not six. It's a horrible time in history. Disgusting. And you know what's really fucked up about the Holocaust? It was so recent. You know, when I was a little kid, I remember I was born in 1967. And when I was a little kid, I remember that we were like talking about World War II. And we were talking about World War II

and the Holocaust. And it seems so long ago. Because it was, you know, at the time, maybe like 30 years ago. It was like 1977 or something like that when I was 10. And it seems like a million years ago. But now when I think back of 30 years ago, like 1977 is like basically 30 years ago. That shit is so recent. It's so goddamn recent. Like I can remember 1977.

I don't remember a lot of things. I remember my mother had a gold barracuda. You know, I remember we lived in San Francisco. I remember some shit. I remember some shit from 1977. So that freaks me out that that recently people could have done that. That that recently people could have just decided that all Jews are evil and we're going to

kill them all. How many people did Stalin kill? How many people did Hitler kill? Just 47. You ever see Hitler's artwork? No. It's amazing. He was a really talented artist.

He could have totally just been a famous artist. First of all, how dare you? You're never supposed to give credit at all to Hitler. Like, someone in the UFC Q&A said, if you could fight anyone in history, who would it be? I said Hitler. So I'll fuck Hitler up. I'd kick the shit out of Hitler.

I'll bet the house that I'm going to win. Come on, man. They don't even have vitamins back then. Fuck that I'm going to win. Come on, man. They don't even have vitamins back then. Oh, fuck that dude up with his stupid mustache. Look at that. That's pretty sweet, though. I mean, he was a pretty good artist.

That is kind of amazing. So Hitler was a good artist. Yeah. Well, you know who else I want? Kevorkian. We've shown those on the podcast before, remember? Yeah. Kevorkian was a creaky artist. Did he die yet?

I do not know I think he did for years you had about a week now they put him in jail when he was an old man you know the whole thing's kind of crazy should be able to you know should be able to die when you want to die man there's a especially if you're in fucking serious pain like why why shouldn't he be able to die there's a new Hitler's chicken have you heard about that? Hitler's Chicken? Yeah, it's in Thailand.

It just opened up, and KFC is going to sue him because it was an old KFC, and they actually. Oh, my God. Hitler fried chicken in Thailand? Oh, my God. It's KFC, and they just put Hitler's face on it? Yeah. Oh, my God.

That's so crazy. Yeah. Why can't you do that, though? Has enough time passed? I bet you could sell Genghis Khan french fries. I bet if you had Genghis Khan's fries,

nobody would fuck with you. Yeah, but I think it's because ovens are involved, you know, and, you know, the ovens. I didn't think of that. How do you know they're not frying them?

Oh, that's true. Yeah. They use, like, deep frying techniques. Who gives a fuck they're not frying them? Oh, that's true. Yeah, they use like deep frying techniques. Who gives a fuck? It's chicken. It's not a fucking human. It's just, it's not long enough ago. But you could have Genghis Khan french fries.

You could have, how about Caesar? Little Caesar. How about that? Caesar was an evil cunt. They were all evil cunts. They're all responsible for the death of millions. Now they're a cute little cartoon that's holding up a pizza. Fucking little Caesar.

You ever think of that? Think of little Caesar. Caesar was, there's never been a Caesar. Julius Caesar, never been a Caesar, didn't have blood on his hands. Romans were crazy. They were fucking savages. By the time the fall of the Roman Empire was going on, how many of those Caesars didn't have like a few deaths on their hands? Quite

a few. What's up with that? Is that the Hitler chicken? The Hitler chicken. That's fucking crazy. Yeah. Well, Hitler didn't walk like that. That's a Nazi chicken, right? Now, what does it say? Hitler never did the goose step. Just to go back to that fucking bottle you had, what does it say it does to you? The gay poppers.

Joey's still fascinated. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's never left. He's been pretending to care about Hitler. I don't give a fuck about Hitler. Fuck that motherfucker. I'm thinking about getting... I'm done with coke, but poppers are not out of the question. I talked to my doctor. Poppers are good for my heart.

That's why they sell them on the black market. Turns out, Joe Rogan, gay dudes have a 10% healthier heart because of poppers. So tell Doosburg you can shove it up your ass. The effects are brief but intense.

The effects are a sudden surge of blood to the heart and the brain. Oh shit. That doesn't sound good. If you wanted to answer a really important question, take some poppers. If you want to answer a really important question, will you marry me? Hold on.

One of the Fs. Or if you're on a game show. Imagine if you're on a game show and you throw a popper in your mouth. Brian, you would give the worst advice ever. Imagine some poor fool he's in front of Drew Carey. He's trying to guess the prices right. You're like, Brian Redman,aff should do a pop-up right now.

It says that it's time slowing down. It feels like it's time slowing down. So, like, it also is a heat flush sometimes, lightheadedness, giddiness. Someone's doing that on TV now, man. It lasts two to five minutes. Someone's going to do that on TV. Oh, by the way, speaking of drugs, you see the fucking Michael Jackson shit that was going on with this trial. No.

They ain't giving this motherfucker money, though. Who? The worst thing they could have done with this trial was really open up the world to what this guy really was. Did you see yesterday's article? No, I haven't been following it at all. They could shoot him in the ass because of the tracks on his ass. Oh, no. Like the skin was too damaged. They could shoot it in the ass because it attracts on his ass. Oh, no. Like the skin was too damaged.

From just shooting himself in the ass? Shooting himself. Oh, my God. Oh, God. This guy was fucking out there. And somebody, a doctor that I go to see, said to me, he goes, these people don't know what kind of worms they're going to open up by doing this. This guy had skeletons in the closet that go back 30 fucking years since off the wall.

Well, any guy who's, like, doing that much to his face, like, the craziness that he was doing, like, that famous picture of him where he had his nose, like, have, like, there was, like, a skin graft over his nose. I think he was in in court right you remember that picture brian yeah pull that picture up see if you could find that picture there's a picture of michael jackson's nose yeah that's the old michael jackson that we used that's him drinking whiskey uh vodka with two midgets oh my god is that real yeah i think so you don't even know that's real that's a goddamn sketch from the man show.

Drunk hipster Michael Jackson. No, that's a guy doing, that was a Halloween costume. This is the real Michael Jackson. Two doves and a pair of underwear. But go, see if you can find the photo of his nose. Because it's one of the weirdest things ever. And I remember seeing that saying, this is a strange exercise in culture that we're seeing in Michael Jackson. Oh, God. It just pulled it up and it freaked me out.

Yeah, because for every human being, you know, these are strange times. Like, that's a skin graft over his nose or something. Maybe it's tape. What is it? It looks like the poster from Silence of the Lambs. Is that a tape over his nose? It's hard to tell what that is. Is it a bandage?

It looks just like skin. It's hard to tell if that is. Is it a bandage? It looks just like skin. It's hard to tell if that's skin or some kind of adhesive or something like that. But he, I remember looking at that image and thinking, wow, what has this guy done? Like, what does this guy, and then I remember thinking, what must the pressure be like when you're that guy? What must reality be like if you start off as a child, like super famous and loved by millions? You know? You remember ABC? Hit sample this one, two, three.

I mean, he was huge way, way, way, way, way, way back before anybody knew how to handle it. And he was huge as a baby. Bro, and watch what this Justin Bieber is going to come out to me. This Justin Bieber is going to make Michael Jackson look like a fucking puppet dog. You think so? He's going to be black in like seven years. Yeah, he'll be black in seven years. He seems fine right now.

He works out. His skin gets darker. He's trying to get some pussy. Why are you hating on Justin? I ain't hating on him. I'm just telling you what I see. You can't do 90 fucking miles an hour in calabasas around white people. I see a dude with a chrome car getting his dick sucked on the road.

I see it fucking too. I see it too. Someone's hating. Do you see his car around here ever? No, I've never seen it. I've seen it. I've seen it on the 101. He apparently has a leopard print car now, one of those Audi R10s or something like that,

R8s, R10s, whatever it is, and it's got leopard print. Listen, he's going to get in trouble with the Laugh Factory. What happened to the Laugh Factory? I forget.

He's buying somebody's car at the Laugh Factory. He hit a paparazzi. That's where he's going. Well, someone died on the Pacific Coast Highway because they were trying to take a picture of him

and a paparazzi was running across the street and he got clipped. He died while, look at that. Look at his Audi, leopard print. That is so silly. That's sexy as fuck. That's so silly. It's so silly that he would do that. What an ugly look to that car. That's the most badass car. Like, that's, Everlast is one of those. It's such a wicked looking car to cover that thing with leopard print. But looks like a couch purse. But that's the silliest I can do whatever the fuck I want move ever. He had a Karma Fisker that was chrome.

Did you ever see that thing? That's just preposterous. How dare you? How dare you, young man, running around in a chrome car? 10 years from now, he's going to be on heroin, fucking transporting Mexican fucking people, doing a bunch of shit with a helicopter. Seems like a good kid. You met him? Maybe he's going to be on heroin Transporting Mexican fucking people Doing a bunch of shit with a helicopter Seemingly a good kid Maybe he's going to do some yoga

Yeah, yeah, I met him at UFC He's going to seem very friendly Seem pretty down to earth Considering who the fuck he is Think of how crazy you would be If you were Justin Bieber Oh my god Think of what you would have done

If you had become Justin Bieber When you were 15 or whatever he is 20 years old with $50 million. Oh, my God. What are you acting like? What are you acting like? You'd go crazy. What are you acting like?

What are you going to do? The world is your oyster. You think somebody comes to you and says, put your money away? You're going to listen to that person? You're going to go, fuck you. Right in the face. Bro, can you imagine? You go to the standard and fucking just buy waitresses.

Like, dog, how much for you? You'd be like that prince or the king in the Game of Thrones. That's what you'd be like. You'd be evil. You know, the amount of power, that's not the amount of power that a person should ever attain. It's incredibly rare

that a person ever does attain that type of wealth. You got Justin Bieber type wealth and the fact that he's getting it when he's 17. Am I boring you? The fact that he gets it when he's 17 or whatever the hell he is. How old was he when he got super famous? Was he like 17?

Younger? 15? What is he now? Like 19? He's like a young man now. We have this game that we play that's like, could you beat up so and so so and so. And we say it to like, you know, and I said I could beat up Bieber. Because not really thinking I we like say it to like you know and I said I could beat up Bieber cause not really thinking

I was like yeah he's a little kid I got old man fat strength I could just sit on him or something like that but then I saw him with like his shirt off the other day

on like some website and I was like holy shit that dude could probably destroy me he's fucking ripped he's a little boy now fucked you up

plus I think he's like a blue belt or something do you think he could beat you up Diaz absolutely He's a good boy now. Fucked you up. Plus, I think he's like a blue belt or something. Do you think he could beat you up, Diaz? Absolutely. That's funny. Is he a blue belt in jiu-jitsu? Somebody told me that.

No, you know who is, too? Michael Jackson's son. He just got his blue belt. Really? Yeah, Gracie Torrance, I'm pretty sure. So it's a legit blue belt. Fucking Ustream, man. Ustream keeps lagging out. I don't know why Ustream keeps sucking it lately. We've got to figure out it's a legit blue belt. Fucking Ustream, man. Ustream keeps lagging out.

I don't know why Ustream keeps sucking it lately. We've got to figure out what's going on with this. But people are complaining like nuts. Yeah, they're complaining in the mornings too. Shit's going on. Too many commercials. Well, that's not the problem we're having. We're just having a problem with it cutting out like crazy.

But is it come... What's that? The app is good. It's working. But is it when we upload it to Vimeo, do we get it clean? Yeah The app is good. It's working. But is it when we upload it to Vimeo, do we get it clean? Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. Okay, so watch the Vimeo.

Don't pay attention to us. Why are you watching us right now anyway? And the fact that it works on the iPad fine just goes to believe that it is more, again, a flash plug-in problem. Hmm, that's interesting. So maybe I should try it on another browser. All right, let me try it on another browser. I'm going to shut this

bitch off and I'm going to try it. You're on Chrome right there? Yeah, I'm going to try it on Safari. Where are you at this weekend, Joe Diaz? I got a couple things

this weekend, a couple spots, nothing too fucking serious. Next week I go to Philadelphia. Yeah? I go to fucking Helium. Thursday, Friday, and

Saturday, ready to rock. Okay, like we were talking about, like great clubs? Yep. You don't go to fucking Helium. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, ready to rock. Okay, like we were talking about, like, great clubs. Yep. It doesn't get any better than that. It doesn't get any better than that club. And Helium opened one in Buffalo. I had to change that date, and I'm doing Portland in September also, so I'm pretty excited. Oh, you're doing Helium in Portland as well?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, sweet baby Jesus. I'm pretty excited for Philly, though. Heliums are the bomb, dude. What am I, 12? The bomb, bro. And they're going to open another one, I think, in St. Louis. I put it on Safari immediately, it lags out.

Really? Immediately. Yeah, I don't know what's going on. You stream. How old's Paris Jackson? He looked like he's like 17 or something like that. I mean the girl. Oh.

Is that not Paris? I think she's like She's in her teens I think I'm not sure Is she 18 yet? I feel bad about her I feel bad about all of them man I mean what a strange way

To live your life She's cute To grow up that famous You know What are you doing over there Joey? Are you reading your phone? No no I'm sending back an email

I'm sending back an email This is bad shit You know what I'm saying What? Nothing nothing I'm saying? What? Nothing, nothing. I'm looking at this little... You just lost us. He left us and he started emailing people.

That's not how Joey Diaz is. He ate a candy. I don't know if anybody noticed this. You heard some chewing while the show was going on. It was a half a piece. About an hour ago, he ate a candy and it's clearly kicked in. No, it hasn't kicked in. You are disassociated from this conversation.

This motherfucker won't kick until later on. You know what I mean, dog. So this weekend is Philly? Next weekend is Philly. Next weekend is Philly. Who are you working with? Solo. And then the weekend after that, I'm with my man Dom Herrera up at the Ice House.

Yeah, I saw that. You guys are co-headline on the weekend. That's the weirdest fucking thing in the world. That's a great idea. Yeah, that's the weirdest thing in the world. What a great fucking show. I hope I go to Laugh-A-Fact Tuesday, do the podcast with him. It's always good to see Dom learn how to be a fucking comic again.

You work with Dom, you're like, that motherfucker does it all. He's a real monologist. That's a different type of savage there. Well, you know what? All the time I've known Dom Herrera, he's never faltered. He's always loved being a comic. Someone was talking about it. I think it was Bill Burr, saying he really loves the fact

that Dom has been in it. He was in it, he was like a veteran when we all started and yet he still has a lot of love for it. Some guys, they fade off. They get older and they're just not funny anymore. Don hasn't lost a step. He's hilarious. No, he hasn't.

He's fucking hilarious, man. I watched him do stand-up before he did that, you know, he does the talk portion of it. Right, right. His stand-up is still... I wonder if he's on tonight. I watched him do stand-up before he did that. He does the talk portion of it. Right, right. His stand-up is still... I wonder if he's on tonight. I was down there last night. I did a spot down there last night.

And then on the way up, I had to follow Paul Rodriguez at the Laugh Factory. How was that? The Laugh, there was 30 people. Wow. But it was okay. I did great. Why was there only 30 people? Monday night.

What? And then fucking, I went up to the Ha haha and i seen damon for a little while in front of 12 people i watched damon wayans he's making a comeback he's gonna go on tour 12 people 12 people he always liked doing that though he loved it he was always so old school yeah he'd show up at 12 30 at night with yeah keen into somebody and yeah it's always uh and he'll you know what i love about damon i used to love watching damon work shit out because he'll, you know what I love about Damon, I used to love watching Damon work shit out. Because he'll like really work something out. Like he'll have an idea on stage that's just like a couple of words or a couple of, not a couple of words, but a couple of concepts. You know, and he'll like take them and just run with them.

And because he's got to make all these people laugh, like the pressure of that will lead him, because he's a great writer, leads him to the best lines all the time. I used to watch him work shit out on stage like he would write right but he would also work shit out on stage whereas like mooney did a lot of writing like mooney would come in there and like something would happen like you remember then that uh airplane crashed florida and uh crashed in the swamp and mooney did a bit about old black ladies still clutching their purse. Remember that? They pull them out of the crocodile

and they're still clutching their purse. He had that written within a couple of days of the plane crash. And it was a written bit. So he would capitalize. He would always have a lot of new shit, but it would be a written bit. Whereas you could see Damon was working it out while he was up there. He. Whereas you could see Damon was like working it out while he was up there.

He would have an idea and he would just flush it out while he was up there. And so when it would hit him, like the punchline would hit him, he would start cracking up. Not like that fake cracking up shit that bad comedians do. It's gross, right? When you see people fake laughing. You know, bitch, you laugh the exact same way every night when you tell that joke. That's a fake laugh. You know that fake, you laugh the exact same way every night when you tell that joke. That's a fake laugh. That's a fake laugh.

You know that fake laugh? Ugh. It's gross. But Damon would like, every now and then, he'd like really make himself laugh. You know, I watched him do those late night sets at the store a bunch of times. You know, it's funny. The other morning I was watching TV. I got up and Bruce Lee's Change the World was on.

Eddie Griffin came on. I got to tell you, a big smile came on my face. Yeah. Before I walked in here, Brian and I were talking about the comedy story. He's telling me how the crew that hangs out there

and how it's changed and blah, blah, blah and blah, blah, blah. And, you know, he's enthusiastic about it. What Brian doesn't understand is I already went to fucking college there.

Do you know what I'm saying? We did our fucking time. It's not even about you or Carlos or anything. I don't give a fuck. For me, I did my fucking time. I did my eight years of spots and Sundays and following Dice when you got,

you know what it's like to have two other sets and you go to do your set and fucking Dice is going up? As you pull up, you're like, oh, this is gonna be great. And all of a sudden, Dice is going up. Like, when I was talking to you, I could still see us sitting by the back and Mooney, how he would walk up to the checkup box. talking to you, I could still see us sitting by the back and Mooney, how

he would walk up to the checkup box. I'm here. Give him the light. You know? And how he would just all those little things. That was my college. Yeah. That was my college, bro.

You don't go back to high school. You don't go back to college. You feel like a fucking moron. And that's what it was. The comedy store for me was law school. It was six fucking years of hard fucking work, of snorting blow, of fucking eating pills, eating pussy, avoiding women, you know, lying to bitches, you know, trying to get a manager, trying to go up there and fucking get a couple drinks and a rock of coke.

It was an adventure. You know, he was saying that Rapa, that Bavai were in there. I remember the night I was so coked up. Is he still there? He's still there. Last night was amazing. I remember the night we were going to light him on fire. They had him locked in the bathroom.

People throwing paper towels in there on fire. You know, I mean, this is. That's fucked up, man. You know, I mean, it's just. It's just. I still remember Corey Cuomo calling me and going, did you threaten him? I'm going, Corey, I'm in Miami. I've been here for three weeks.

That's how fucking crazy he is, okay? That's how fucking crazy Robert Epifaya is. Like, I avoided him after that. He accused me of doing something, and I was out of town. The best is him and Don Barris. They still feud? They still feud. That's so crazy. It's the greatest.

That's been going on for decades. The Chinese guy, what's the dude? Don't you do this to Robert Epivaya? No, no, he does that to indicate Nazis. Nazis, right. That's a finger, the Hitler mustache finger. Don was on stage last night, and he just runs in. There was maybe like 30, 40 people in the room, and just goes,

Nazi! He's a Nazi on stage! And so all the managers have to get Robert out of there using lasers and paper towels. Right, but Robert is still an institution. He's an institution. He's a part of the store. Yeah, and he still goes up every night. I say hi to him every night I'm nice to him. I never do anything I'm always the nice guy but everyone all the other guys always you know fucking throw menus at me and him and have always been cool I've always been really nice to that guy. Oh, yeah, I never had a beef with him till he accused me of When I was out of town

I was sitting on the stairs. He's crazy. I was sitting on the stairs the night they were throwing paper towels in and lighting them on fire. And he's in there like, oh, what's this smell? It's fucking fire. Run out of there, you fuck. Well, it was really dangerous with him because you remember, especially in the winter, he

would insulate himself with plastic bags. Yeah, he still does that, I think. He had these plastic bags that he stuffed inside of his clothes to keep them warm because he would walk home, and he would be in downtown. So he'd walk to downtown. When he would leave the comedy store, he would walk like five miles. That was no joke. He did that all the time.

He still does that, and he goes to the grocery store after every show every night. He gets the exact same thing, like a banana and a sandwich. And Don Barris does the exact same thing. He follows him and just videotapes him. That's so fucked up, man. That's one of those things that the store had was those long-running gags. Do you remember when Brian Callen still does it with Don Barris? Every time Brian Callen and Don Barris sees each other,

he pretends that Brian pretends that Don Barris is forcing him to suck his cock. And so he fights it off for a while, and they're like, put on a show. And then finally, Brian Callen will put his lips right on Barris' cock. And Barris will be humping his face. It's so fucking, and they go for it. It's so uncomfortable to watch. This is a new. Who is that?

This is Robert from two nights ago. There's a girl on stage with no clothes on. Yeah, she never wears underwear. She always brags about fucking Ron Jeremy. Hey, should you tell this on stage? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's totally fine. But she's been just going on stage and showing her vagina to him and stuff like that.

She shows it to Robert? Yeah, and it's getting him real nervous. By the way, how durable is that jacket and pants? I know. It's the same one. That jacket and pants is 100 years old. This motherfucker's been wearing that same jacket and pants every day for a long time. Those are some strong threads.

Yeah. I think he might have a few of them, though. So this girl, she goes on stage all the time? Yeah, like all the girls, this is from last night. You know, there's Mary Jane and Eleanor and stuff like that. Eleanor's there? Oh, yeah, she's there every night. Is she really?

Yeah. But it's cool because all these girls are on, like, the Ding Dong Show and stuff like that. But it's a fun time. Eleanor is very funny, man. She's a very funny stand-up now. It's cool because all these girls are on the Ding Dong show and stuff like that, but it's a fun time. Eleanor is very funny, man. She's a very funny stand-up now. It's interesting. We always kind of knew she was a funny person when she was working at the store. Are these all stand-ups, these girls?

Yeah. That's a schizophrenic surfer. He's schizophrenic, and I used to do open mics with him in Ha Ha Cafe. Why are you talking about the boy when I'm asking about the girls? How dare you? There's all these girls in their underwear and he's like, yeah, that guy sucks. Yeah, there's Mary Jane, there's Don's girlfriend. So these girls are all stand-up comedians?

Is there like a community down there of girl stand-ups? Oh, yeah. And what's cool is that me and Tony Hinchcliffe's podcast have two girl stand-ups that started on the show, and they've never done stand-up comedy before, and every week we give them one minute. That's awesome. Yeah, stand-up comedy, it needs more chicks.

There's not enough funny chicks in this world. I don't know. When things are going bad like they are now, that's when more funny ones will arise. There's more funny, crazy bitches that are working some office job somewhere. Fucking Jerry Lewis sizzled those bitches, didn't he? Jerry Lewis did? Did he?

What did he do? He doesn't think women are funny, right? There's plenty of funny women. That's a silly thing to say. There's funny people. If someone's funny, they're funny. The idea that you would say that they're not funny because they're a chick. Tell me Morgan Murphy's not funny.

That bitch is hilarious. She's hilarious. Sarah Silverman's not funny? Sarah Silverman is fucking hilarious. This girl right here, this is Katie Menzel, the girl whose mom was married to Hugh Hefner right here. This girl right here, though, her name is Jessica Shores, and she has a music video that she just put out like a month ago that already has like 1.2 million hits. Just her dancing around with her.

Yeah, if you look at it, though, you'll laugh your ass off. Why would I laugh my ass off? No, I don't. No, I won't laugh my ass off. I can't believe you're still talking about it. You would in a laugh about it way. Yeah, no thanks. Been there.

I've been there. I've been there. I've done that. Stop trying to make me sad. Do you never get a hankling to go back there when you drive by? You ever wish you could just pull in and do a set? No, not at all. No? You should not.

You still doing the improv? Have you been there lately? No. Just got a text from Rita. I got to text her back. The improv is, that bar freaks me out. Oh, the Persian bar in Glendale? The new bar.

I'm like, what is this recessed lighting with the fucking lamps built into the wall and shit? I'm like, what are you guys doing? I'm so glad you said that. Yeah.

I was like, you need a corner that you can suck a pussy in. There's no hidden corners here. It doesn't feel like a comedy club at all. It's white booths. Like, where are we? Are we in Miami in 1998?

It feels like a hotel room or a hotel bar. Yeah, it feels like a road gig. It feels like a gig you would do if you were in western Massachusetts where they had, like, the bar. The club still is great once you get inside. The actual setup is pretty fucking perfect, you know. And the way they have it now with the bar over there, it does have less noise because people have to leave and go down that hall and then take a right and then take a left.

So it's probably quieter for them that way. It just seems weird. I guess that annex, though, wasn't making any money. Oh, so they got rid of the annex? The annex doesn't exist anymore. That's where the bar is now. They're also renting out the front part of it to a hamburger place

what kind of hamburger is it going to be that umami it's actually oh umami burger I don't know if I'm I've had those before but the weirdest thing

the weirdest thing is that the murals if you've ever been to the Hollywood Improv they used to have these big drawings they painted over them yeah and there's

this new mural there's a new one yeah and it's huge and it's just a bunch of comics, and you sit there, and you're trying to figure out who's who. Everyone does not look like who they are.

It looks really like who... Do you have a picture of it? The only picture I have is there's only one microphone on this mural, and there's only one person standing in front of the microphone. And this is like a simulation theory, but that one thing is a fucking dolphin for some reason.

For no reason at all. A dolphin in front of the microphone. Yeah, and then you could kind of see a couple of the comics here. Like, I can't tell, I know who that is. It's by the puppets. That's the only photo of it? That's the only photo I have. I can see if I can find it.

So that's like only a partial of the mural. But why a dolphin? It's weird. That would dolphin sunglasses too. Yeah, I don't know man There's no There's no rhyme or reason There's no logic to why

They would take down Those other paintings Those paintings were old as fuck That was like A part of history I think here I think here's the Here's the

Here's a news story about it The new mural Oh god There's a story in the news This guy Ew How dare you. Otherwise.

See, look at that mural. There's the dolphin. Yeah, just fast. Look at it. You can't... Robin Williams. You'll sit look. Look at it. You can't. Who are they? Robin Williams. You'll sit here and look at it, and you won't even, you can't even figure out half of these comics.

It's just a terrible piece of artwork. I don't want to say it's terrible. Shut up. Say it. His style does not look like the people at all. Like, if you look at Jeff Ross, it looks like Jeff Ross. Jeff Ross is on the wall? With special needs or something.

Oh, look at that. That is weird. They have the unknown comic with the paper bag over his head? Yeah. Thank God. So now the entrance that's over here where the- What the fuck kind of mural is that? Yeah, and there's so many-

There was somebody there that I forget who it was. George Carlin's pretty obvious. Yeah. Well, some of the people look really obvious. Jay Leno's pretty obvious. Let's see if I can get it. I don't want to make fun of it, but it's- Just shut it off.

Let's be nice. Yeah, okay. It doesn't matter. That's what the comics are saying. It's kind of weird going over there now because people are like, what's up with this bar? And then what's up with this crazy mural? Somebody fucked up. Somebody got crazy and they forgot that things are nice when they stay the same.

Yep. They forgot. At the end of the day, who gives a fuck about a fucking mural? You know what I'm saying? That's what I'm saying, dog I come all the way up here to talk about a fucking mural Jesus Christ, Joe Diaz You know what I'm saying? Who gives a fuck about some fucking ugly ass mural?

That's what I'm saying That's what I'm saying, dog You know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm What else is going on? Like a motherfucker What movies you see lately? Anything good?

I saw Despicables. Despicable Me 2. That's a great little kid movie and shit. It was a good movie. Those movies always, they're better than the real fucking movies. All those kid movies. It's a good fucking movie. It was a good movie.

I watch cartoons now. Fuck television. Fuck all that family guy. I'm watching SpongeBob. That's the shit. Motherfucker lives in a pineapple. It's true. Under the sea. It's true. Under the sea.

It's true. Was it good because of the 3D? No. Did you like the first one? It was great. The first one's not bad either. They're good movies. I love all that shit.

I mean, obviously I went for my kids, but it's a legitimately good movie. But that's where they put their fucking screen. That's where they put their creativity and their kid shit. Yeah. And the adult shit. You sit there. My friend said he went to see the end of the world last night. And this guy's a white dude that's very geeky.

And he went to see the Kevin Hart thing. He said the end of the world, he had to walk out of. Really? And the Kevin Hart thing was okay. It was just too big to do stand-up at the garden, he felt like. It was just too big to tape there.

He goes, at the end, he watched the credits, and he goes, there was dirty fucking cameramen. You know what I'm saying? Right. There was dirty cameramen. You know what I'm saying? Right. There was dirty cameraman. So it just didn't feel intimate enough? It didn't feel intimate enough. Which, when you're doing those fucking places, you don't feel intimate enough.

Yeah. You know, there's a certain level, like 1800 or something after that. Yeah. It's all downhill after that. For a guy that rants, it's downhill. Yeah. For a guy who's very slow, like when we've seen a guy in Jersey, a slow pace, that's great. But a guy who steps on his own lines, I just don't like it.

You're absolutely right. That is the issue. When people are laughing, you can't hear what they're saying. I don't like 1,800 or above. Yeah. You don't want this nice money. Yeah, we have a good time, but I don't feel good when I walk off the set. I don't feel like I did nothing.

Yeah. I'm just struggling to talk slow. My patois is off. My timing is off. Yeah. You know, I like that. That's why I don't know where I want to shoot a special. I like to shoot it at somewhere where it's fucking small.

I don't want to do theaters. I don't want people to come see me in a fucking theater. Atlanta Punchline. I honestly, Atlanta Punchline is a great idea. It's one of my faves. That's a great idea. I honestly think 300 is the threshold for things getting different. 270.

Yeah. 270. 270 is nice. 350 gets a little kinky. Gets a little kinky, right? Once they put, even Cobb's is tremendous. It's big, though. It's too big.

Cobb's is tremendous. And then when you have the little thing on top, that's a little fucked up, too. Yeah. You're absolutely right. It's on top and in the back, too. You're absolutely right. It goes way back and above. You don't feel much of a connection.

Comedy Wars is a perfect place to take a picture. It's the perfect place. American Comedy Co. That's not bad, either. But there's a lot of pillars in that spot. But I don't want to shoot in California. That's the problem. We do shit here.

We want to go somewhere and light up a scene like Grand Funk Railroad. We're an American band. We're coming to your town. We'll help you party down. We're an American band. We're coming to your town. We'll help you party down. We're an American fucking band. Are you kidding me? That's a jam, dog. Listen to that.

We'll help you party down. That's it. We'll bring Chibos, reefer, papers. No, that's it. So I want to go somewhere. When you do a set in L.A., it's fun. It's great. But they can see us anytime.

That's true. If I was Louis C.K., I'd fun, it's great, but they can see us any time. That's true. If I was Louis C.K., I'd do the Orpheum and jump up and down. If I was fucking Kevin Hart, I'd do fucking whatever, stand-up live downtown, whatever that is. But I'm not. Right. And I don't want to do that kind of stand-up. I'd rather keep it smaller. That's why I do good.

When I've got to rant and shit in a big theater, I lose it. Well, it's also a matter of how much money do you really need? Because if you start getting into the 8,000 and 10,000 seats, it's one thing if you're doing it because the demand is really high and you don't want anybody to not be able to go because the shows will be all sold out. But you can make a lot of money just doing clubs. I mean, how much money does a comic need to exist in this life?

If you're living like a normal person, you can do clubs. You can make plenty of money. But the show will be more like you. I can go see you in 100 seats, and you can be screaming and yelling at the top of your lungs and rant. I'll know every word that comes out of your mouth. There'll be no questions. What did he say? I couldn and ran. I'll know every word that comes out of your mouth. There'd be no questions. What did he say?

I couldn't hear. There'd be none of that. But when you get into those 2,000 and 3,000 seat places, there are moments, and I noticed that when we watched that guy in Jersey, there was a few moments where I didn't know what he had said because he was ranting as they were laughing, and I was like, oh, this is interesting. Very interesting.

It gets really confusing. I'll tell you what, the dynamics were great for a 2,400-seat theater. The dynamics of Chicago were tremendous. I ranted there, and it came up perfectly. Yeah. But that's a very few and far between. That place is magical. Magical.

Magical. I would also consider shooting a special if it wasn't so big in the place we did in Pittsburgh. That was a great place, too. 1,200-seater. That was the Carnegie Library Hall. Oh, my God. That was amazing. That was amazing.

It used to be an old library. Yeah, it was an old library. There's so many places. If I could find a good old fucking joint, like 400, 600 seats in Houston. You should just do it at Helium, man. I want to do a brick wall. Do it at either Helium.

Portland? Do it in Portland. They'll go fucking man. I want to do it. Do it at either Helium. Portland? Do it in Portland. They'll go fucking crazy. I want to do a brick wall. I want a brick wall. Right. Only a brick wall. Brick wall.

What does Portland have? Giggles. We can put this up. Not Giggles. I'm saying Giggles. Helium. Giggles is the comedy club that I used to do. In Boston.

In Boston, yeah. And Giggles is also in Seattle, a place that was run by the Vietnam vet. I would take a draw from him on Thursday, and by Saturday he'd forget. He was a Vietnam vet. And then I'd call him Monday and ask him who was there next week, and he'd go, when was the last time you worked at a club? Oh, that's hilarious. And I'd go, three years ago.

I'll see you Friday. He forgot that bad? He forgot everything. Oh, my God. Once I learned, I would get the waitresses on Saturday, and I'd go, come here, find out who's the feature act next week. I'd call them Monday, 9-0-1. Hey, what's up, buddy?

Joe Diaz, who's featuring this week? When was the last time you were at my club? Ooh, a year ago. And you had to be fucking spotless clean. Right. But he wouldn't show up to see the headliner. And there was a curtain on the stage, and you could see his jaguar pull up. Oh, that's hilarious.

So as soon as the Jaguar pulled up, I did my clean stuff. As soon as he went in, he'd only come in for one minute, and I'd just bomb for two minutes. He'd only come in, look at the back, and then he'd go in.

One night, this is hysterical. This is how much, this is how who boxed this guy was. I forget the guy's name. He's a track coach in Seattle. Very good guy. Was on HBO. He's just a college track coach.

He doesn't travel as much. He was headlining. He's a great comic and a great monologist. He's completely clean. This motherfucker gets off stage, and the owner of the club goes up to me and goes, let me tell you something. I went in there three minutes ago, and you were being dirty. Don't ever do that in my club.

And he's like, me? And finally comes up to me and goes, I was just about to rat you out, but I remember he's a Vietnam vet and he got hit with a missile or something. That's his job. And then he sold it. He sold the club to a Mormon. A Mormon, that's right. Yes. We talked about the Mormon on a big interview and the Mormon got mad at, and then he offered me a week up there. Yes. Now it's done. Yeah.

It's done. Yeah, he got mad because he had sent somebody home or said someone couldn't work there or something. James Zinman or Stan Holt. Stan Holt. One of those guys. One of those guys. Someone had problems with him, and so I just wanted to put the word out.

So I can't work. Wise guys in Mormonville. He was in Wise Guys in Salt Lake. He left and he bought Giggles. So I never did that club. That was, I think I'd heard about it, but I was like, you got to be, you have to be clean. But then he let Bobby Slayton work there. That was what he did.

He called up. He goes, no, no, no. I don't allow cleaning. But Bobby Slayton worked there and he was saying something like, this is not my cup of tea. You know, like he said it like when he was bringing up the show or something like that. This is not my type of show. I just want to say that. He introduced the show that way, and someone was offended.

It was either Schimmel or it was Bobby Slayton, one of those guys. Fucking gigglers. I don't remember it, though. So Thursday night was the capital of Washington. Was it a tell? That was a Seattle gig? And Friday and Saturday were giggles in the U District. Do you know what's fucking fantastic?

Paula Live in Bellevue. Have you done that place yet? Bro, listen. Ivan Salivary called me today. Number one, you got to call Ivan. Okay. Because when you go to the UFC, there's a guy up there that made you a tank for you to go under with a bong under the fucking water.

Like the guy made you with a fucking video projector that you see shit, something. I haven't called me 10 times. That's number one. Number two, I haven't called me today. They're telling me that he's got a cop buddy and the cop buddy looked into my warrant. They're crazy.

Like, they're fucking crazy. They're trying to get the warrant resolved? It's an extradition warrant. They're crazy. Like, they're fucking crazy. They're trying to get the warrant resolved? It's a non-extradition warrant. They won't hunt me down anywhere. But if I get caught in Seattle, they're going to arrest me, and they're going to keep me in there because it's an expired warrant. He was telling me, Ivan, the whole story. And I go, Ivan, do me a favor.

Get me a fucking attorney, and let's just do this. Pick me an attorney because I don't know no Seattle attorneys. Get a fucking attorney. I'll send them a retainer. Let's get this warrant over with. I'm not going to turn myself in. Right. So what do they say? I don't know. He's going to call me back tomorrow. I'm going to write a check and send it. You know how many letters I get? Like, please get Uncle Joey to come with you to Seattle. Oh, please. I got to go up there. So I'm going to fucking do this and get this over with.

I'm going to send Ivan, the attorney of the money. I think the guy's name is Savage. The lawyer's name is Savage? Yeah, something Savage. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. I'm going to fucking go up there and get it out, and then I can probably go up there with you next month. I'm there July 26th with Tom Segura.

Where am I in July? No, that's two weeks. Yeah, it's two weeks. I'm there. And you're going to get to see Jill Himitsu in Seattle and shit. That's right. My girl. Jill's awesome.

She is awesome, isn't she? She's a darling. Darling. The Moore Theater. That's what I'm doing. I'm doing me and Segura. Seattle's a fucking badass town. We had a good time up there when I was looking for Bigfoot, too.

That's a good little town. We were up there squatching. That's a place I disrespected, but not really. Why'd you disrespect it? I lived up there with that fucking filthy animal. I was finding aluminum foils in her ass. I ended up choking her out. She stabbed me. You know how it is. You

disrespected Seattle because of that? You know, and that's why, like, bro, right now, I love to get out of here, and I love, you know, bro, there's only one place for me to go, and that's Colorado. Yeah. That's it. But I felt like I disrespected, like, I would have to walk around Colorado with my head down. You know, when you were a kid.

Why? Because I fucked up there, dog. So what? So what, man? That's a long time ago, man. You're a different human now. No, but it don't mean nothing. There's a thing in Colorado.

It's Lord's country. That's a God's country, bro. When you're driving in Colorado and you're breathing that air, you're in fucking God's living room. I don't know what the fuck to describe it. To me, one of the things about Boulder is just that you're at the base of those mountains. And you leave Boulder. You drive 10 minutes. Welcome to the woods.

Like, literally. You are 10 minutes out of Boulder. You are in the woods. And the beauty of that place is so stunning that it affects people. It affects people. It's like living around the most insane artwork all the time. I really do believe that. I think that's one of the reasons why the people are so healthy there.

I think the view, like, it's not just that the air is clean, which it is, but it's also, like, the view of those mountains, like, enriches you. I really believe that. I think there's something to places like that. Especially because it's a college town, so there's intelligent people there. Intelligent, cool people at the base of a mountain. This insane view. Listen, dog, let's buy some land and let's do this.

Let's start a farm. Start a fucking colony up there. I want my daughter to be raised there. Why not? Let's do it. You want to go? I want to go. Callan wants to go.

Brian will force him to go. That's pussy shit. Snow want to go? I want to go. Callan wants to go. I don't want to go. Brian will force him to go. That's pussy shit. Snow ain't going to do nothing for you. Brian will import chicks. Hurricanes and fucking rock canes. All that shit kills you. Brian will box them up in bird cages from the mansion, ship them off southwest.

I want to shoot myself. You know what, man? That's how I redeem myself, by shooting my special in Denver. Why not? Listen, we could go back to back. You know? Go to prison, go say hello to those motherfuckers. No. Back to back specials. Like, you do one week,

I do another the next week. You know, we'll do like two weeks in Denver. We could even film a documentary. Two weeks in Denver. I'll open for you when you do your special, you open for me when I do mine. I can't figure a way for you to bring me up on stage somewhere. I'll do it. Fuck yeah, dude. You tell me. I'll do it. I'll be happy to do it.

Even if I just come in just to bring you up, I'd be happy to do it. Now let me ask you this. What's the next legit UFC? You brought me up every special I ever did except the I'm gonna be dead someday. That was Maguire. Every single thing I've done. That was Houston. That was Houston. That was Houston. Every single thing I've done since then, you brought me up. Now, what's the next big UFC fight, though? It's Brazil.

Brazil? Yeah. Well, no, there's Seattle. Demetrius Johnson, John Moraga, that's on Fox. You need to come back to Japan. That's coming up soon. Yeah, the UFC's been going to Japan, dude, but they do the FX or fuel shows there, and I haven't been doing those. But I'm doing the first Fox Sports 1. That's a Boston card. I'm going pan dude, but they do the FX or fuel shows there. And I haven't been doing those. But I'm doing the first Fox Sports 1.

That's a Boston card. I'm going to do that. I'm going to be at the show, but I'm not going to be at the fight. I'm going to be at the show though. Yeah, with two shows. Sold out. Two shows. Boom.

Sun. Sockets. You got to get to Alaska, Joe Diaz. I know. The next day I'm going to Sandhurst. You got to listen to me. This summer, before the time is up, before it gets cold there, go. Go to Anchorage, Alaska.

You did comedy in Anchorage? Yeah, I did some fucking Beartooth Lodge or something like that. What was the name of the place I did? Beartooth. I think it was Beartooth. It was Beartooth Theater. It's a theater. They show movies there and then they have a comedy show. It was fucking fantastic. Now, what's the name of the city? You went to Anchorage? Anchorage. Okay, you didn't go to Chilko Charlie's

and that hopes you enjoyed it.oco Charlie's no I went to this Beartooth Theater whatever the fuck it is it was amazing they grow they have their own beer there they grow their own weed powder beer

it's not powder it's like they brew their own beer stop with the powder it's amazing let me make sure I'm saying the name right Beartooth Lodge

yeah that's right is it yeah yeah it was amazing man Yeah, it was amazing, man. It was, it was, it's,

it's one of those places where as you're up there, like you would think before you went there, you'd be like, who the fuck would live in Alaska? Like my friend,

Eric, Eric Crisp of Sugar Tree Q's, he used to live in Alaska. He's a Q maker, badass Q maker. Makes pool Q's,

like the best pool Q's. And he was, at one point in time, he did like, he was working, I think he lived at a base there when he was in the military

or he lived there when he was in the military. And he always talks about going back there. And I go, why the fuck would you go to Alaska, man? Are you crazy?

I was thinking about how cold it is and all the stories that I've heard. But then you get there and you're like, I see it. I get it. I've been there. But then you get there and you're like. I see it. I get it.

Same thing happened to me. I get it. I get it. It's weird. We go outside at 2.30 in the morning. It's blight out. That's crazy. 2.30 in the morning.

We did our show. We took pictures after the show. We hung out. I would just want to go party the whole night. Oh, yeah. I'm sure people do. And by the way, that myth of no pretty girls there, myth. Okay? The myth of 10 to girls there, myth. Okay?

The myth of 10 to 1 men, myth. Really? It's more than half of the population of Anchorage is girls. And there's a lot of hot ones. And they're like rugged hot. What's the strip club there? They don't bruise up. What's the name of the strip club?

I don't know. I don't know. We didn't go to any strip club. Did you hear about it? No. What we did basically was we fished all day. We were fishing. We went on, we rented an outfitter and went for 10 hours at a stretch.

So we did two long days. And the first day we did 10 hours. The second day, we actually called it quits like a little early so that we could get ready for the show because we were exhausted. No, no, I'm not saying you went to strip clubs. We didn't do anything. We were there. People were saying you got to go to a strip club. You know, like anywhere we go.

And their strip club there is huge because women come from all over. Oh, to go there. That was the myth in the 90s and early 2000s that there's a ratio of 10 to 1 men. Right. So women go up there and they have a season, a fishing season. They'd make fucking 20 fucking thousand a night shaking that ass. Yeah, there's another season in late July when the silver salmon are running, like towards the end of the month. Apparently that's another big time when people come up.

And then there's also people that come up for, like, the various hunting seasons, like moose season starts in September. People come up for that. But, God damn, that place is majestic. It's majestic. You see eagles. You just see eagles everywhere. We saw five moose. We were there for two days.

We saw five moose. And there's just something about the place. It just makes you, it's just like humble. You know, it makes you, it humbles you. Because it's just, it's, when you're flying over, you look down, your jaw just drops. Because it goes on forever. And then forever, you see nothing. You just see mountains and trees and mountains and trees see nothing you just see mountains and trees and

mountains and trees and mountains and trees and mountains and trees and then okay we're starting our descent into aspen or the anchorage and you slowly start scooting into anchorage and by you get there when you get there you're like these people are gangster as fuck like you think about how far they're living from the real world like they're up there on some weird little patch of land that they've decided to clear out some trees and start some fires. And there's fucking half a million of them up there. There's like 300,000 people living in there. And there's only like, I think the whole state only has like double that or something like that. I think there's only like 600,000 people in the whole state.

But Anchorage has got like 300,000 people. You could live there, man. I'm telling you that's four hours away before we even start the party yeah that's fucking you get to Seattle in two fucking Alaska you get to Seattle from Alaska in two that's great what am I gonna eat salmon the rest of my fucking life you know what I'm saying the fuck I gotta get to other places if you could live anywhere outside of LA now I know now that you have your little daughter you I'm sure you're probably thinking I don't want her growing up in California.

That's one of the things that I thought of immediately when my first daughter was born. San Diego is so beautiful. Two girls in Mexico, son. If you could go to another state, which one would it be? Colorado. It would be Colorado?

Why not? Yeah. I can't figure it out. What about Seattle? Would you do that if you could get back? Fuck no. Fuck that shit. How come? Fucking living in Seattle from September to get back? Oh, man. Fuck that shit. How come?

Fucking living in Seattle from September to fucking December. Too crazy. You go up there. Too dark. You go up there. I love these people. I like them real miserable. Seattle's cool.

Yeah. Seattle's cool. Go up there in September and wait until you see two fucking weeks of nonstop fucking rain and the gutters and you can't go nowhere. And all you want to do is wake up, look around. You know, when you wake up here, you go to pee and the sun creeps through your fucking windows. What do you do when you wake up for two weeks and it's fucking gray? And then it's gray

in November. And it gets a little sunny for three days. Then it's rainy again for three weeks. Relax, people. Relax, people. You're in no danger. Everybody wants to be a fucking authority. You don't go there for two days. And all of a sudden we got the place pegged down. Lived there for six fucking months. Seattle's great. The people are great. It's great to do comedy there. It wasn't for fucking me. And all of a sudden we got the place pegged down. Lived there for six fucking months. Seattle's great and the people are great

and it's great to do comedy there. It wasn't for fucking me. That long stretch from September to December with rain, fuck you. There's more to life than fucking waking up to fucking rain, my friend. It's like living in Buffalo, New York. Put the fuck what is that called? The protractor

where you go, put the protractor to Buffalo and put the protractor to fucking Seattle. It's in the same missile. The same missile could take out Buffalo and then shoot and take out fucking Seattle. They got the same suicide fucking rates. You go to fucking Buffalo, dog, it's a tough live. I love it. It is.

I love it, but it's a tough live. I think it's hard to fuck around with California, too. Everybody goes to Seattle in July and go, yeah, it's nice. Seattle's gorgeous in the summer. The only problem with California is there's a tough live. I think it's hard to fuck around with California, too. Everybody goes to Seattle in July and go, yeah, it's nice. Seattle's gorgeous in the summer. The only problem with California is there's too many people. Yeah, but you go to Santa Barbara, you don't think that. Maybe. You might be right.

That might be the move. Santa Barbara might be the move. Someone needs to do a helium in Santa Barbara. Do you know how badass that would be? That theater that we did was perfect. We don't need no heliums in Santa Barbara. That theater we did for 600 seats in Santa Barbara We're doing it again.

was fucking gorgeous. Yeah. When do you want to do it again? Say the word. December. December? The week before Christmas. I love it.

I love it. Because we still got to do We're doing Vegas. We can't do 29th. We'll do Vegas December 27th. We can't do but we still got to do

an End of the World somewhere. Really? Yeah. They offered us the Wilbur Theater again. Do it. You want to do that? No, here. Wiltern, rather. We End of the World somewhere. Really? Yeah, we've still got to do an End of the World. They offered us the Wilbur Theater again. Do it. You want to do that? Is it in Boston?

No, here. Wiltern, rather. We're doing the Wilbur. We have to do the Wiltern the day before Christmas. That's the End of the World, the 23rd. Yeah? Yeah, because- Nobody wants to go out on Christmas Eve.

No, no, no. Two days before Christmas. Really? Or December 20th. People are shopping and shit. December 20th. But last time we did it, December 21st. Right.

So what's the difference? December 21st. You should do it Halloween. All right, what should we call it? If we don't call it, we should bring Stan Hope and Honey Honey again? Same show? Everybody. What should we call it?

It's not the end of the world, though. The end of the world part two. The beginning of the new world? Beginning of the new world. Riders of the Purple Sage. We should do it in Denver. I'll do it whenever the fuck you want. We should do a Let's Move to Denver, Bitch.

Let's do that. Let's do a Let's Move to Denver, Bitch show. How about a Boulder show? Do a Let's Move to Boulder, Bitch? Let's do it. I think you guys should do definitely a monthly show in Vegas. Like every month you guys should do a monthly show. I don't know about that, man.

I enjoy going in every few months and rocking it. I'll tell you, The Joint, that's my new favorite place. The Joint at the Hard Rock. First of all,

everybody works there. It was cool as fuck. Cool as fuck. It was dynamite. It really was dynamite. So dynamite, great vibe, and that crowd

could have been better, Joey Diaz. They were amazing. We had so much fun. Amazing. So much fun. And the people afterward, that was like,

they weren't stoners. We just hung out at the bar. We didn't go out to smoke one time. I didn't go out to smoke at all. I was fucking stoned on that edible. I was just talking. We ate the goomies. We ate the goomies on the plane.

The goomy bears. On the plane. We fucked up at 930. Yeah. By four, I was fucked up in that hotel room. I had three goomies before I went on stage. Goomy bears. Ivan Salivar.

And I would love to go to Seattle on a regular basis. I wish I could get you in. And all that shit, but I can't risk going to fucking jail for something that happened 18 fucking years ago that nobody, nothing bad happened. Nothing. Yeah, that seems a bit silly. I didn't go to fucking, I didn't go to anger management.

The judge threw me out of the fucking state for two years. Really? You understand me? The judge told me I gotta go. That's how it was? Yeah, the judge told me I of the fucking state For two years Really? The judge told me I gotta go That's how it was? Yeah And that was it You gotta go, dog Joe, you gotta go

What are you doing next weekend, Joe? Are you out of town? Yes Yeah, I got family shit going on I don't have a gig Booked until the A gig booked out of town, at least, until Seattle. But I got some other shit cooking.

I'm trying to finish up this TV show, too. It's more difficult than I thought it was going to be. It's more difficult time-wise than I thought it was going to be, and it's more difficult as far as getting it right. It's a lot of work. We're putting together kind of a crazy show, but Ari's in it, and Duncan's in it, too. And there's a lot of interviews that they're doing when I'm not there.

Like I said, Duncan to interview some scientists, and Ari goes and interviews some other scientists and all these other crazy people involved in all these different disciplines. So it's kind of interesting. And we're only hoping it comes out right. It's a big experiment right now. I can see Ari with a scientist. So do you like gummy bears?

No, Ari's very intelligent, man. He's very good at interviewing people and talking to people. We had him talk to some crazy religious guy, and we went to the Global Future 2045 conference in New York. What a bunch of fucking intelligent super freaks that place was filled with. It was so fascinating, all these people with robots that look just like them. And there were people with bionic hands and like the, the, the cutting edge of life extension science. And we had Ari interviewing some religious guy. It was really weird. There was these religious guys and they were all like telling people that, you know,

not to, not to concentrate on, on technology and not to be persuaded by technology, but the beauty of a rose cannot be defined by science. Who should know why a seed becomes a flower and that flower becomes a beautiful part of your life. It was like this weird resistance, sort of. It's weird trying to incorporate their religion into the idea of the future. You're like, listen bitch, you're getting left behind. You're getting left behind. You're dressed like a wizard and you're getting left behind.

No matter what you do, you got crazy beads around your neck and you think they're important and you're fucked. Okay? Because your style of living, you can't rock it. You can't be reading 6,000-year-old books and saying they had it right. They were on to it. These global future 2045 people with microchips in their head, they don't know what the fuck they're doing.

Joey Diaz, I lost you. We got to get out of here anyway. We do. Can I pimp a show? Yeah, fuck yeah. Next weekend at Comic-Con 2013, we're having a midnight show there, Friday and Saturday night. It's with me, Sarah Tiana, Mike Black, Yoshi, Benji,

and a couple of special guests that I can't say. Excellent club, too. It's a fun spot. Yeah, AmericanComedyCo.com. Good spot to go and get your free... When is the Comic-Con? Next weekend, Friday and Saturday, midnight shows. So the 20th and 21st, okay.

Yeah, and if you want to see me in Segura we're at the Moore Theater in Seattle on July 26th. The Boston Wilbur Theater on August 18th

with Joey Diaz and Ari Shafir and me. Suck upon it. Sold out. Both shows. Suck it. July 18th.

And then Milwaukee we're doing what is that thing we're doing the Paps or something in Milwaukee. Pth And then Milwaukee, we're doing What is that thing, we're doing the Paps or something in Milwaukee Paps Is that what we're doing? Yeah, August 30th And that's you and me? Great beer

You and me Oh yeah And then fucking I'm doing Philadelphia the 18th to the 20th And then the following week I'm with my main man Dom Herrera, Dead Squad Yeah, well Brian and I actually talked about this yesterday To the 20th, and then the following week I'm with my main man, Dom Herrera, Death Squad. Yeah, well, Brian and I actually talked about this yesterday. We eventually got to put together like a real serious Death Squad page with all the different guys. We could click on the link, like you'd have a picture of you

next to a picture of Duncan next to a picture of everybody who's in there. You could one-stop shop, go there, press a button, and you know how to. Perfect. She has a calendar with all her shows on it a button. Our buddy Jill does the counter. Perfect. She has a counter with all her shows on it right here. Beautiful. Jill does this. Powerful Jill.

She's awesome. All right. Thank you to everybody tuning into the podcast. Thanks to Squarespace.com. Go to Squarespace.com forward slash Joe to sign up and use the code word Joe and the number 7 to get your... See, I made a website, Joey. Hey, I'm doing a fucking commercial, dude, to get 10% off your first purchase. We're also brought to you by Stamps.com. If you go to Stamps.com, use the code JRE to save yourself some cash.

And what was the other one? Legal Zoom. Legal Zoom. Ah, LegalZoom. Ah, yes. LegalZoom. LegalZoom, which is the latest of our podcast sponsors. If you go to LegalZoom.com and use the code ROGAN, you can save yourself some money.

LegalZoom is... Not a... Yeah, I'm trying to read the exact thing you're supposed to read. Legal Zoom is not a law firm. They provide self-help services at your specific direction. And if you're really nice, they rub your balls while you masturbate. No, I made that part up.

Listen, that's not true. This is a comedy podcast. You fuck. Legal Zoom. Go there. Get your freak on. Onnit.com is our last sponsor sponsor O-N-N-I-T Use the code name Rogan

Save 10% off any and all supplements We will most likely be here tomorrow I just have to figure out What time I can get off of work I'm trying real hard To get these podcasts out again Joe Diaz You can catch him In the church of what's happening now.

How many days a week are you doing that now? Two. Two. Two. Monday at 6 a.m. Wednesdays in the afternoon. I can't wake up early no more. I got too much shit to do.

Monday, 6 a.m. Do you understand that? We're fucking around you, stream cocksucker. He's not even playing games. 6 a.m. And he does it on the regular. All right. Thank you, everybody.

Thanks, everybody who came out to Vegas. Thanks, everybody who comes out to all these shows. You guys are the shit. We love the fuck out of you, and we'll see you soon. Big kiss. Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. Thank you.