The Joe Rogan Experience - #38 - Bryan Callen

Episode Date: August 31, 2010

Joe sits down with Bryan Callen.

on a road and that road may or may not lead you in a good direction but you're gonna stay on that fucking road if you're attached to an ideology and it could be a terrible road it could be a road of you know circumcising your daughter's clitoris because that's a fucking tradition i mean these fucking crazy bitches in africa that cut holes in their lip and stretch them out to put plates on why is that because they got on a fucking road and they stick they stuck with that road regardless of rational thinking they didn't use rational thinking at all. They just adapted a predetermined pattern of behavior that makes life so much more simple. And that's what every fucking religion is.

The problem is no one knows. You cannot know. You can have your own beautiful personal experiences. You could have been the person that was actually touched by God. But when you start yelling and ranting that other people have to follow you. Brian, you got two things going on at the same time. And Christian is going to be taken away. I know you start yelling and ranting that other people have to follow you, you have no idea what's going on. You have two things going on at the same time. And the Christian's going to be taken away. I know you're full of shit. I know you're full of shit, and you know you're full of shit. And the real problem is you can't say

it, because everybody's got this freedom of religion, freedom of religion, religious freedom, the freedom to express yourself, even if you're expressing yourself with nonsense, nonsense that helps scared, lonely, sad people lock onto that nonsense so they feel like they're a part of something. I mean, that's what it is. It preys on people whose lives fucking suck. So it's all nuts. It's not like your shit's cool and my shit's not. And it's not that, you know, yoga's the answer or fucking mushrooms are the answer. There's just questions. And until we're honest about that, we're never going to evolve. The human race is stuck in a giant quagmire when it comes to our behavior and our thinking about our behavior.

But there comes a certain point in time where you have to pop the turning wheels off. And you have to recognize that all this morality that you've developed is good because it's good to treat other people good. It's good to treat other people the way you'd like to be treated yourself. It's like a fucking golden rule, and there's a reason for it. And that reason is that we're connected in some strange way that we don't totally understand. Unless you are good to other people around you, unless you're kind and friendly and warm and loving, you're not going to fucking enjoy this life. You're just not.

You're going to be problems everywhere you go. You're going to have problems everywhere you go. You've got to figure out a way to enjoy this fucking life. It's not because of Jesus, it's not because of Moses, it's not because of anybody that may or may not have ever existed. It's because that's how you fit in better in the world. That's how you stay positive. And it doesn't have to be some shit that was written 5,000 years ago on fucking animal skins. That doesn't have to be the golden rule because it's old.

You know, that's dumb. We need to figure out like now today, what, what is, you know, the best way to live your life? What is the, you know, there, there's gotta be ways you can be putting forth the most positive energy. I mean, we know objectively what's causing pollution. We know objectively what's causing birth defects and, you know, and we're taking in too much chemicals and not enough vitamins. We know objectively all this stuff. We know how to organize our world and yet we don't do it. We know how to organize our health and yet very few people do it. We know all these things. The right path to like being like a happy, healthy person is to do all the shit that we already know you're supposed to do. Take care of your body. Take care of your health. take care of your body take care of your health take care of your mind your stress meditate be kind to people we all know that i mean you ask anybody they know how to get

by and to be the the the most evolved version of you that you can be i mean it's not like a magical checklist if you talk to people about it you said okay you got a person you want to improve them what are the things you're going to do to them okay well if i was a life coach the first thing i would say is this guy's got to get on a diet that makes him healthy. I don't need a diet just to lose weight. I mean just healthy food in your body. You need many, many vegetables.

Vegetables, a lot of good quality protein, a lot of water. Stop the sodas. Stop the bullshit. Start working out your body and get a better sense of how this machine machine feels when it's moving it's flowing better there's less tension in it your mind feels like relaxed and you enjoy every single moment of the day better step one everybody knows that's right what's up to be cool be nice to as many people smile as many people as you can have them smile back you tip well when you go to restaurants just do the most you can be as nice as you can, have them smile back at you, tip well when you go to restaurants, just do the most you can, be as nice as you can, you know, and just still manage to not

have people walk over, just get through this life as nice as you can, what else, do what you want to do with your life, right, don't be doing something you don't enjoy, don't do something that's, don't get locked into, you know, a car that you can't afford, and doing something crazy because you need the money, don't do that, do what you want to do, do what the fuck is it that you really want to do. Because if someone else is doing it, you can do it. You know? I mean, everybody makes their own path through this world, but a lot of people don't follow the path that they really fucking feel pulled to. You know? Just for whatever reason. They got negative programming.

You know, when they were kids, someone told them they couldn't do it or told them to take the shortcut or take the short route. That's a sad thing. That was a little long. A lot of stuff. A lot of wisdom. Very cool, though. It was cool.

It's cool that someone did that. Whoever did that, thank you very much. Yeah, what is his name? Unknown name or no name? Well, I should find out, right? Well, I can't because my cunt-sucking website is down. Cunt-sucking. Don't you hate that?

There's no reason for that. It's so annoying. My website's down a lot. There really is no reason for that. I refer to my website as cunt-crazy. Yeah, this fucking thing's annoying as shit. I don't know what's happening. Perhaps it's a DOS attack, Brian.

Perhaps we're being attacked by hackers. Thank you very much for tuning in to the podcast. I'm sorry we're late, but, you know, shit happens. We're not very good at starting these things on time. That's the beautiful thing about the Internet is you don't really have to start everything on time. Yeah. Do we have an echo going on in the background? Seems like we do, don't we?

Go see if that shit is on. I think it is. I can't get this right. I swear to God, we try. We try every week. That's why you're supposed to have, like, engineers. But if you had an engineer here, what if he was a weirdo? You see the big circular thing, Brian?

Do you see it? Yeah, I just turned off your... No, you didn't. See that big circular thing, Brian? Do you see it? Did you kill it? No, you didn't. See that big circular thing? Touch it, and it shuts off. Okay. Did you do that? Yes.

No. No, no, it's a... Fuck. Just shut it off, dude. Shut the computer off. Yes, there we go. No. No. No, no. It's a... Fuck. Just shut it off, dude. Shut the computer off. It makes it right when it's off, right? Yes. There we go.

God. What kind of a show is this? We have to listen to this, ladies and gentlemen. What have I subjected you to? It's the best shows, though. I apologize. It's the best shows sometimes. The best shows are always that we're...

What the fuck? We're just justifying the fact that we're completely unprofessional. This show, as all, are sponsored by the Fleshlight, ladies and gentlemen. If you have not fucked one, you do not know what you're missing. I think that's an official slogan now. Keep it away from teething dogs. Outstanding masturbation device, Mr. Cowan. I suggest you use one.

I actually have one for you. I appreciate that. I hope you have one for me. Yeah, I got one that I saved, especially for you. Thank you. You dress it up as a beer can, apparently. Nice. Or as a pussy. Here,. Nice. Or as a pussy.

Here, see? It looks like a can. Oh, that's hilarious. So, like, if you're a closet pervert. See, because if you got this out, you got to do some explaining. Wait a minute. You got to do some explaining. Let me see that.

It's worth more if you don't take off the plastic, though. Why is that? Because it's, like, more of a collector's item, you know? What the fuck are you talking about is it a baseball card dude it's a fake pussy i'm not gonna use it collecting fake pussies that is the craziest thing that might be the craziest thing you've ever said i listened to him i hesitated i went like i went oh maybe i shouldn't open it could be a rookie year natural light you snap me out of it what is it about people that are in the like collecting old shit like that and keeping it in the wrapper this is the exact way it was made i used to do that

with comic books cars it's such a weird thing dude cars go for a fuck load of money like old like corvette like original corvette some stamps and they want original everybody wants original radio they want original steering wheel all the stuff stuff that sucked. They want all that stuff. I know. I think it's a feeling of nostalgia. It's like you get to touch what was alive back then or what was so cool. It kind of brings them back to other memories or something. It's very strange, just the need for it. I've never been a collector, man. Collectors always kind of remind me of people that do other weird stuff.

It's a fetish. Not even comic books? When you collect, it's a fetish. Now, it could be stamps, but it could also be like fingers. You know what I mean? But have you ever done comic books? You used to do comic books? Yes, I used to do comic books.

I used to read them, but I never collected them. It was one of my saddest moments of poverty when I was living in Boston, and I was totally broke. I sold all my comic books. Did the exact same thing for rent money? Dude, it didn't even barely cover my rent. It was boxes and all my comic books. Did the exact same thing for rent money. Dude, mine didn't even barely cover my rent. It was boxes and boxes of comic books. I mean, they totally fuck you on the money.

They're worth way more than they pay you for. But you got to do what you got to do. I had like 300 issues of just The Amazing Spider-Man. And I had every single McFarlane. I had like 10 of Todd McFarlane's first time he did Spider-Man. I had weird comic book tastes. I liked Conan. Yes. time he did Spider-Man. I had weird comic book tastes. I liked Conan. Yes!

Because he was a real person. Dude, I used to read his real books. So did I. I read everything Robert E. Howard ever read. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Frank Frazetta did all that. Oh, fuck, those were the best. I read every single book he ever wrote.

And then he killed himself at 30, man. He was a young guy. He killed himself? Yeah, he's 30 years old. Oh, wow. That's so awesome that you're into Robert E. Howard. Oh, my God. Dude. He's actually a great writer. I don't know what anybody says. He was a young guy. He killed himself? Yeah, 30 years old. Oh, wow. That's so awesome that you're into Robert E. Howard. Oh, my God. Dude.

He's actually a great writer. I don't know what anybody says. He was a very good writer. That kind of fantasy writing, he was the best at it. He created a whole world, man. It would always be. Those are good books. Oh, my God.

The books would start with this epic battle. Yes. And this giant Cimmerian, this guy with this volcanic blue eyes. Yeah. Finally, some survivor would turn and say, who are you? And he would say, I am Conan. Cimmerian. And I used to be like, ah! Dude, the Conan books were awesome.

The heartbreak is I didn't grow up to look like him. That was the heartbreak, dude. Oh, yeah, it was very sad. You set yourself up to such a golden standard. That's dramatic for a kid. Conan, yeah, it is. That's a boy's first heartbreak. It crushes you.

Is to realize I'm never going to be a superhero, man. I'm never going to be a guy who kills dragons with a sword. Right. I don't even get to carry a sword. They're illegal. He fights demons and and shit i can't carry a sword dude if they could make the conan books into a real movie like with a really smart director like instead of like like the conan like arnold schwarzenegger was pretty cool it was pretty cool it wasn't bad man but it was so 80s you know what i'm saying you got a movie that was done like based like like like the hobbit you know

like peter jackson to do it or something get him to really invest in conan what was done like based like like like the hobbit you know like peter jackson to do it or something get him to really invest in conan what was conan was like this freak warrior that just and it was always an epic it was always oh there were awesome stories journey and he always learned something at the end of the book which was that you know steel makes right isn't it fascinating man that that dude who wrote it robert E. Howard, was just completely depressed? Yeah. Killed himself in his car. I believe shot himself in his car at 30.

Just fucking couldn't take it. Just wanted off the planet. Wanted off. This guy was like, for that genre, one of the best writers ever. Really fun stuff, man. Really cool stuff to read. I loved that shit when I was a kid. But also, he lived in that fantasy world.

Did Conan fuck Red Sonja? I'm sure he fucked everything. If he met her, he fucked her. For sure. Correct. 100%. Of course he did. If he met her, she just jumped on his dick like it was a grenade.

Immediately. She was a brave soldier. Yeah. Listen, man. That's Conan. Conan was the king of the world. He was like the baddest motherfucker ever. That was the best thing about the Conan series.

You knew no matter what. Just settle down, son. Conan got world. He was like the baddest motherfucker ever. That was the best thing about the Conan series. You knew no matter what, just settle down, son. Conan got it. He got this. What was the worst part of the Conan series? What was the part of Conan that you hated, though?

I didn't hate it. Was there a part? Nothing. Was there a guy? How about nothing? Perfectly written. Really? He used to pray to Krom,

which was this guy who lived in the center of the earth. And you know what he used to ask Krom? Because you couldn't ask Krom. You couldn't ask Krom too many...

Yeah, because he was a restless guy. The only thing he ever asked Krom of was a fighting chance. He just wanted a chance. He said, just give me a sliver of a chance. To die well. Yeah, I want to die well. Yeah. That's what every man.

Woo, son! To be brave in the face of fucking evil monsters and demons and shit. Every man's fantasy is to be a hero. Every man's fear is that he's a coward. He got it all locked up, man. He had it all locked up. In his brain, his depressed brain, he created this intense fucking fantasy world. Yeah, because in a way, what he was talking about is somewhat timeless.

It's almost like just energy. He found a path for it. The whole depression for whatever was fucked up in his life, he figured out a way to divert it in this other direction, this huge, fantastical world, this fantastic world of fucking monsters and witchcraft and sword battles and this fucking gigantic, brawny, tan, bronze-skinned man fucking just slaughtering people.

Yeah, he used to call it cutting a path of crimson cutting a crimson path yeah he used morning stars and yeah he had to have to survive in the fucking woods by eating pigeons throwing rocks at them and eating them raw and shit yeah dude some of those stories were awesome yeah i just go to the supermarket damn it those stories are fucking awesome. Those stories were the shit. They really were. When I was a kid, I used to do magic tricks.

I had a little magic show in Fisherman's Wharf and I would do it so I'd get money for comic books. Really? Yeah, I'd put on a show. I was like eight years old. I used to put on a wig

and do some light dancing. Well, I saw all these street performers in San Francisco and I got a box, like a magic box for Christmas. It's like a bunch of card tricks and a bunch of shit in it. So I brought the box with me, and I said, I don't know what I'll do. I'll get a cape.

I'll put a hat on. I'll look cute. Like I was aware I would look cute. I was like eight. I was like a little eight-year-old criminal. That's great. A hustler. Yeah.

And so that's how I first started performing. Really? For comic books. Because I was addicted to comic books. And what kind of magic would you do? It was terrible. It was cute because I was eight and I was by myself. Here's a question.

Older kids bullied me and I got scared. If I could give you one magical quality, one, what would it be? What is this, a date? Yes, it is. Is this a ridiculous date with a contrived date? Obviously, it would be flying. I thought you were going to give me a profound answer, and you're like, is this a date? Is this a date with a guy who pretends to be a palm reader?

Is this a date with a guy who believes in crystals? What happened when you were six? A guy who believes in crystals? What happened when you were six? A guy who believes in crystals? I'm a healer. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

What would it be? I don't know, man. If I really could think about it. I want to look like one of those myostatin cows. At first,

I want to say flying, but I'm so afraid of heights. You wouldn't fly, though. I'd fly like five feet above the sky. You wouldn't fly. It wouldn't matter. You'd get somewhere, I guess, 15 minutes early.

Is there really that many places to really be? Not really. And you wouldn't fly. You'd be all sweaty. It just seems cool. You'd get hit in the head with birds and bugs. It's hard to take magic power serious after you've had a real good mushroom trip. Yeah?

Yeah. Magic powers. Like DMT is way crazier than any fucking magic trick anybody could ever do. What if I said to you you could see five minutes into the future for every time? You were kind of on a five-minute delay. Yeah, that'd be great and everything. But then you'd be this douchebag who just knew about everything. Yeah, you'd never have any surprises.

It's like you try to tell people. And they're like, how do you know? How come I don't know? People would hate on you. Believe me, man. The last thing you'd want to know is the future. What if you were like, why didn't you tell me I was going to die? My father could have been saved if you told us not to get on the train that day.

Yeah, but what if you could change the future as a result? Fuck, are we going to change everything, man? What are you going to do? Are you going to keep people alive forever? You lose adventure. Well, not only that, man. The reality is this is a temporary experience. We know it.

It's on paper. It's been proven. It's documented. I really liked what you were saying in that thing we just listened to about how people know. They really do know the answers of how to take care of themselves. It's getting out of their own way. And it's always what I – it brings me back to what I always talk about when you have Mayor Bloomberg who wants to outlaw trans fats in food. Or when Washington or any government agency wants to outlaw trans fats and food or or all you

know when when washington or any government agency wants to legislate good health whether it's making drugs you're gonna make people dumber well it's it's you're not gonna you're not gonna make people healthier people people know the answer there are a lot of really smart people that smoke cigarettes you can't protect people from shit yeah but they're doing it it doesn't mean they don't know it's bad for them. There's a whole other question. It's why don't people dare to be the best they can be?

Why? Is it because it takes effort? Or is it more of a courage issue? Are you afraid of what you might find or not find as a result? That's really the question. Yeah, there's a lot of distractions going on with us. People sabotage themselves all the time. I see it all the question. Yeah, there's a lot of distractions going on with us. People sabotage themselves all the time. I see it all the time.

Yeah, you create all sorts of bad habits so you don't have to deal with your own bullshit. But I'm all for personal choice, man. I think it's very important that we encourage personal choice. Absolutely. You appreciate it much more if you earn it. I'm writing this book, and one of the things that I wrote about this book, the only thing I'm really proud of, of anything that I've ever done in my life, is my peace of mind. That I know that I worked on.

That I know that I got there because I grew up in a very fucked up, turmoil-filled life, and I figured out a way to navigate it to become a happy person. It's one of the only things that I'm proud of. Yeah, I think that knowing you for as long as I've known you, which is going on 16 years, I think that's a huge, I absolutely see that transformation. Because you used to be so intense, and you used to look at the world, I think, as just full of barbs and thorns. And you were always on the defensive, always ready.

Because I remember we'd be hanging out, and somebody would say something stupid, which you always run into. And you just, it was so hard for you to deal. I remember we'd be hanging out, and somebody would say something stupid, which you always run into. And you just, it was so hard for you to deal. You just immediately call them out on their ridiculous, like two plus two is 15, and unicorns live in my backyard. And I'd go, that's great.

And you'd go, bullshit! I don't like this person. And I'd be like, ah, what do I do with this uncomfortable confrontation? You used to hang out with some knuckleheads, though, in all fairness. I really did. In all fairness. I really did. You were hanging out with some crazy people. True.

And I am not that way with reasonable, rational people. But when I'm there with meth heads, and I know someone's a meth head, and I'm like, um, something's wrong here. I smell something. This is not normal conversation we're having here. We got an issue. We're not going to deal with how crazy this bitch is?

And I'd be like, I can't see anything. We would be out with one of Brian's friends and it would occur to me like five minutes in the conversation, okay, this is like a crazed

fucking half homeless criminal we're hanging out with. I'm like, okay, we have to deal with this. Nah, everything's good. Nah, she's cool. She's just a little nervous today. I'm blaming her on that. Yeah, she gets weird around Everything's good. Nah, she's cool. She's cool. She's just a little nervous today. Yeah, she gets weird

around people. Yeah, you're an intense guy. She gets weird around people. She's fucking meth-ed. She's just starstruck. She's starstruck.

She's meth out of her fucking mind, bro. I'm like, there's a monster disconnect here with this chick. Meanwhile, I really did find meth in her purse. Yeah, of course you did.

Meanwhile, she ruined my life. Yeah, it was a wreck. Good job, Brian. I tried to talk him out of it. Nah. Do you remember? When I was younger, I'd be like, oh, that girl comes from a nice family.

I'll take the girl with the bat tattooed on her face and the track marks, please. This is how crazy this girl was. This is how crazy this was. It was Brian and I met her at a bar, and he told me, I want you to meet this girl I've been seeing. She's really cool. So I go and I meet him at the bar. I talk to her for

three, four seconds. Three or four seconds. She turns and walks away and I looked at him and I go, she's fucking crazy. I go, that girl's crazy. I go, let's get out of here right now. I go, get the fuck out of here. I go, you need to just change your number, shut your fucking phone off.

Let's go. Let's get out of here. It's like, nah, she's fine. She's cool, no, she's not going to stick around. You know how you have a friend who you love to death, but for some reason, like, he doesn't have those John Carpenter glasses from the thing? He can't fucking see it.

Everybody else can see that this bitch is crazy. He could not see it. He just, he did not have the glasses. Well, I just chose not to see it. Well, you didn't just choose not to see it. You would glaze over and become like a project. I'm locked into this. This is a project for me.

I'm working with her. I'm trying to help her. I want to change her. And I was like crazy survival boy. I was like, we got to get out of here. Yeah, but you were always right. I was. Because I would have saved a lot of effort and time.

You're a healer, Brian. I don't have healer instincts. I have run away from monster instincts. Yeah, but healer instincts are phony too because what I was trying to do was just, I just wanted a project where it was like I was the guy of the Savior. It was a very selfish arrangement in a way.

No, don't blame yourself. I mean, you're being critical by saying it was selfish, but it's just a faction of all of these things, all these crazy behaviors just from our childhood. That's all it is. Yeah, I think you're right. That's what it is. I mean, you did not like the way you were raised, and you were trying to literally raise a chick.

You were trying to literally guide them. I mean, and fuck them. And fuck them. I mean, that's important. That's part of the guidance. A huge part of it. It's part of the guidance that you have to lie down on your stomach and march your back. It's part of the connection to the universe.

Yeah. Such a... And fuck them. And fuck them. And fuck them. What a crazy fucking... It occurred to me. Remember when I told you this? It occurred to me

that the girls I was dating in LA, I was like... I looked at their last four relationships and I was like, wow, all four relationships, all of those girls, for me, they were all essentially a high-tech pet.

They were not people. They were high-tech pets. I had to feed them. I had to be nice to them and pet them. I had to go, I had to talk to them like little cuties, and then I had to fuck them. And who hasn't thrown a wig on the dog? You know, the point is...

It's all about hacking them, though. Oh, my God, that's so true. is... It's all about hacking him, though. Oh, my God. That's so true. Yeah. It's so true. It was weird. Brian is one of the... Well, his current woman aside,

she's very nice. And he's had a few in the past that were very nice. It's not all of them. You know, Patty Jenkins is one of the coolest humans on the planet. No doubt.

But Brian has, like, been the smartest guy that I know that has dated the dumbest chicks. I mean, just straight. Not just dumb. Crazy, though. Straight. Just nothing.

How about my girl, Diana? Don't say any names. I know. My girl, Tina, who lived with me. And she didn't know who Freud was. She didn't know who Freud was. She was 30. And then she thought, she didn't know who Freud was. She didn't know who Freud was. She was 30. And then she thought, and this was an actress,

she thought that Shakespeare lived in biblical times. I was like, hey, hey, you're already in my house. How do I go through this eviction? It took a year. See if I can procrastinate the ending of this for the next two years. Well, you know what? There's nothing wrong with not knowing something.

Well, yeah. You just get older, though, and you start learning. Wow. Well, you know what? There's nothing wrong with not knowing something. Well, yeah. You just get older, though, and you start learning. It seems like you should know that. The main thing is to get older and learn. Learn from your mistakes and not make the same ones. But, you know, the problem is a lot of people get programmed a certain way as they're growing up. And it's very hard to shake off their programming. Sometimes it's better to have no programming, as I think you did and I did,

where you just kind of were left alone to figure out life by yourself. Sometimes I think that's better than having shitty programming. Because if a girl grows up with shitty programming, where there's a lot of dumb people around her all the time offering their dumb thoughts, and she's with dumb people all day, instead of being left alone. Yeah, I think the reason that I didn't grow up that way necessarily is I lived in so many different countries. I was always literally moved. I thought about it. By the time – this is the truth.

I didn't live anywhere for more than – for the first 30 years of my life, actually 33 years of my life, I didn't live in one place for more than a year and a half. That's incredible. I literally moved every year to a year and a half. And a lot of times it was a totally different culture, continent. But I think that didn't allow me to get pigeonholed or I was exposed to so many different cultures and ideas that you have to kind of keep reshifting and adjusting your paradigm. Because what you think is a preconceived notion, for example, you get this idea of what a lot of people say,

well, that's my idea of what an Arab is, that's my idea of what a Jew is, that's my idea of whatever it is. When you're exposed constantly to different people in totally different settings, what you really actually learn to do as a child is empathize with those people because you start to realize, yeah, they're different, but they're exactly the same. Did you find yourself being a chameleon and blending into the new environment very quickly? I used to say, my father said to me when I was, I remember he said,

I was 15. He said, I've never seen anyone ever be a bigger chameleon. He said, your ability to ingratiate yourself and find your way into any situation, find a hole in any situation. He said, I remember his first comment he ever gave me.

He never even gave me a comment. He said, it's, it's, it's, it's remarkable because I've never seen anything like it in my life. He saw me like, I was in Switzerland or something, and I just had no friends.

I was a chameleon. We moved from New Jersey to San Francisco to Florida to Boston. And that's why your accents, by the way, a lot of people don't know one thing about you. Your accents are as good as anybody's. And that's probably because you developed an ear. Well, I learned about my own.

I won the Bay State Games Taekwondo tournament. And they put me on television. It was the first time I was on television. Oh, wow. And I was 19. And I heard myself on TV. I was talking about my instructor, Mr. Michael Malley. And I was saying, me and Mr. Malley, we've been working out really hard.

And I heard my accent. I was like, that is the grossest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. I had like a fake Boston accent. I mean, I had a Boston accent. But yeah, you said. I was so disappointed in myself that I picked it up that quickly. I'd only lived in Boston for like three years, and all of a sudden I had this crazy accent. Well, but that comes, I think, from having an ear for the music of any situation.

Six years by then. Six years by then that I'd be in Boston. But six years, and I developed like a hard. Sure. I'm saying hard. Sure. That's ridiculous. Sure. We, it was six years by then. Six years by then that I'd be in Boston. But six years and I developed like a hod. Sure. I'm saying hod. Sure. That's ridiculous. Sure.

We're social animals though too, you know. So I dropped it. I learned and I dropped it. My hod. But hearing myself on TV made me like consider my accent, like how ridiculous it was. I was like affecting an accent to fit in. To fit in. Does it ever come out of the blue though?

Well, there's some Boston for sure. I mean, I lived in Boston. Boston's where I grew up. If you talk about my formative years, my formative years are 13 to 24. I lived in Boston. Oh, really? 13 to 23, something like that.

That's a long time. That's 10 years. That's growing up. I mean, if I think about a hometown, Boston's definitely my hometown. Boston's a rough town, by the way, isn't it? This is fucking good. We just had the UFC in Boston.

There was no less than 11 bench-clearing brawls in the fucking stands. I mean like full-on soccer kicks, pride style. There's stories on the internet of people getting their fucking heads stomped. There's all kinds of crazy stories. Really? They're nuts. So this was at the UFC in the stands? Dude, Boston is filled with savages.

Yeah, that's true. They're savages. They're amazing. I've never lived in a place where people were so quick to scrap. It's why a lot of good comics come out of Boston, though, because to be able to deal with those crowds, those cynical crowds, and navigate your way through that. Yeah, we've talked about it on this show many, many times

with other Boston guys like Bill Burr and Dane Cook. It's the place where it's like the proving ground for comedy. There were so many good comics that came out of there. That's one of the reasons. You had to were so many good comics that came out of there. That's one of the reasons. You had to be so on your toes to make those guys laugh. And if they turned on you, it was over. If a Boston crowd turns on you and starts booing,

there's no rational thinking involved. If you go on stage with a fucking Yankee shirt on, they're just going to start throwing shit at you. We're not going to talk about this. Hey, come on, guys. I like New York. You like Boston. What's the big deal?

Fuck you, queer! They'll fucking throw glasses at you. They, come on, guys. I like New York. You like Boston. What's the big deal? Fuck you, queer! They'll fucking throw glasses at you. They'll give you shit. They'll all together decide to beat the fuck out of you. It won't be like one guy does it, and the other people go, hey, we shouldn't do this. No, they'd all go, yeah, get him! The way a school of fish knows to turn. They'll break your windows if you're driving

by with a New York license plate in your car. Like, they're fucking crazy. Guys, haven't you read God and His Autobiography? Yeah, but there's something about that. That town has a great sense of humor, man. I notice it when I do radio. I think they live in the truth in a way. You can't bullshit your way into Boston.

You show up in a pair of leather pants. Hey, guys, I just bought these leather pants. What the fuck is he doing? Get those off, queer! I told you, my buddy Carmine Provisano in New York is a little bit like that. I'd been in Paris and this woman, this really sexy

saleswoman told me that I looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger in this leather jacket. And I was like, I do? I literally heard myself going, I must. I think I put on muscle when I was in Paris. This is what an idiot I am. This is I put on muscle when I was in Paris. For real. This is what an idiot I am.

This is how badly I've always wanted to be built like a guy like that. So I go, I'll buy the jacket. And at the time it was like $400. I did not have any money. It was like, that's ridiculous. She goes, you know what would go really well? I was like, quoi? Which means what in French?

She goes, these leather pants. And of course I'm like, you're right. And her pants exactly what's missing from my life. Now I'm really going to get girls. By the way, I wasn't 16. I was like 24. So I literally show up. I literally, oh, by the way, I had to get boots that went with them because they didn't really fit. So I had these boots that go with these pants and these chocolate, chocolate, milk chocolate,

leather, thick leather pants. Not suede, fucking leather. Okay? Like couch leather pants. So my buddies, How much did they weigh? Way too much. They were so thick,

I could have run through a thorn briar and been fine really yeah really they were literally i remember them being so thick i was like trying to get into them i was supposed to stretch them it was a disaster and literally i walk out and my buddies i think carmine and eddie mccann donnie gannon i mean all these like irish and italian guys from there carmine goes what the fuck has he got on his legs and i'm like oh these are these are from before i even got paris out they were on me pulling my pants off so just getting them off me to throw out the window yeah and then we fucked oh sorry sorry i mean erase erase is this on a delay? Yeah, yeah. We got it. Dude, imagine if that's all people wore, just animal skins. If that's all, really close.

That's my joke. I'm always like, yeah, that's so soft. What is that? Then first girls go, where'd you buy that? I'm like, buy it. I caught it, killed it, and made it. I'm like, oh my god, that's so fucking soft. What kind of fur is that?

Puppy. No, that's mean. But if they had chicken heads, we'd wear them. It was pretty funny until that, and then it gets sad. That's what I do. And then I go, yeah, but you know what? I would never do that, but they're easy to catch. Have you seen that horrible video online where those 4chan guys are after that bitch that was throwing fucking puppies?

I hope they catch that bitch, and I hope they fucking happy face her. There's a chick who had a bucket full of puppies, man, and she walks up to a river and starts throwing the puppies in the water the puppies are yiping where did it take place what country uh fuck i can't remember i don't know what country you can find it but 4chan is this internet you know it's a website filled with fucking great website great website great best website in the world joe funny shit that comes out of it what's that website 4chan that's where like the the cat meme, it all came from that. Those really hilarious cats that say stupid, almost Ebonics shit. Right, right.

Says what? And you see it. 4chan. Fits funny in a thread. One of the best websites ever. Really? That's one of the funnest things about the internet is these little fucking nigga you gay things that

people just know when to insert. It's a fucking like a reoccurring joke though. People will save them and you'll

find them online. There's a lot of really funny ones that you can this thread smells gay and someone is spraying Lysol in the air.

One thing though tip if you go to 4chan's website put it on private surfing mode on your browser, or just clear your cache and delete your computer when you're done going to that website, because you'll see some crazy shit at that website. Did you hear about this website?

So what, you think it's illegal? There's a lot of illegal stuff. All right, let's not mention that. We don't want anybody getting locked up in the pokey. Just be careful. Did you hear about this website? I was just at Parler Live in Seattle. By the way, that's a great club.

Have you ever done that? Parler Live? Parler Live. In Seattle? No. It's really, really awesome. I've only done the Underground, that small place in Seattle. This new place, they pack it in.

And I did a theater there. They pack it in, and it's run by this guy, Ruben. How many seats is it? It's probably like a solid 300. But it's a smart group because they're all Microsoft people. It's really cool. It's up in Bellevue where Microsoft tech works. My friend Maurice lives up there.

Yeah, you get a really cool, eclectic, but pretty educated audience. Yeah? I don't know. It's kind of refreshing. I love that. I like that about San Francisco. Yeah, man. Anyway, but one of the comics that was there um poor girl

she she was married and found her husband was having an affair and the reason she found out was because there's a website called dolly madison or something for married people if they want to have affairs yeah yeah holly madison holly madison yeah holly madison and she and she had uh and he had his profile on there and you know it's like way to get caught dude she was like she was like uh my husband's on looking for this is weird how you know how hilarious is that that someone came up with a website for people that want to cheat yeah for other married people so married people want to cheat on other married people you know it's like hey i'm married you're married too let's go bang crazy great that's scary anyway what's scary then the guy was so dumb that he would

create a fucking profile with his real name yeah with his real name and picture hey he put his pictures on my profiles i want to get caught.com oh my god yeah you know come on did you see that twitter that i put out the other day about there was a website using HTML 5.0, and it's called thewildernessdowntown.com. Somebody else tweeted that. Did you do it? No. Check it out, thewildernessdowntown.com. You put in your address like the place you grew up in.

And what it does is it takes Google street view maps, and it mixes it with, like, videos of people running down streets. And it shows, like, aerial views zooming into your house, like it's, like, in a helicopter. And it just uses it from, like, this one address. And it's fucking trippy. I mean, it's not as cool after, like, a few minutes. You get the tricks and everything like that. But at first, you're sitting there going, wow, this is badass. So check it out.

It's the wilderness downtown. They're just preparing us. Yeah. They're preparing us for the one state of total connectivity. Yeah. Where the whole fucking world is connected together. When the world wakes up. Yeah.

It's called the singularity. That's what they call it. Kurtzweil, right? Yeah. Yeah. The idea that there's going to come some sort of a connection. A neural hub, right? Yeah.

A neural global hub. Well, I think that's one of the reasons why people hate deception so much and people hate lies so much is that everyone's trying to figure life out and it doesn't help if you find out that someone's not being honest. You can help me. You're revelations and they have. You and I have talked

a bunch of times about some crazy shit and helped each other very much. The reason why is because I absolutely believe that you're going to tell me the truth. And you know that I'm going to tell you the truth. If you don't have that, if one person's telling the truth and the other person isn't, then you're fucked.

Then you're in this weird situation like, well, this guy's not even looking at reality. This is bullshit. He's not helping me. He's actually hindering me. He's getting in the way. But I see that all the time. All the time.

I find tiring about living in Los Angeles. And maybe I'm being unfair about Los Angeles. Maybe it's everywhere. But I just always find that people are not only playing a character. They're not even themselves. Yes. They haven't even faced up to who they are because they're still playing a character. How common are these characters?

They're clearly defined, right? They're so clearly defined because they're almost archetypes. They're like, this is what a man is supposed to behave like, so this is how I'm going to behave. And by the way, this is also how my wife

is going to behave, my woman is going to behave. So you have a man and a woman playing characters and coming together on almost a... Just the platform by which they're coming together

is already fake. Nobody's being honest with each other. You've been cast as a guy who's got to be tough in this way, and she's been cast as this other person. It was like watching a show. Yeah. I've watched people, like actors talk at a party, and it literally is like they're appearing on an episode of Friends.

Right. Everything they're saying is affected and fake, and there's like a certain quality to it, a certain way. You know what i hate when people say good to see you you know why they say good to see you because they can't remember if they met you or not so they say good to see you and it's like this creepy actor political thinking thing where i say if i say good nice to meet you and someone goes oh we met already i'm like i'm sorry i'm a retard when do we meet like i just can't i just can't remember everybody that's just

a problem it's like there's only a certain amount of hard drive space that a human being has in his head for people. They say it's like 150 people, right? There's been calculations done on it. At 150 people, you can't remember anybody more. You don't have the space for it. I want to piggyback what you're saying on this quote I heard

from Eleanor Roosevelt. She said, mediocre minds talk about people. Elevated minds talk about events. And great minds talk about ideas. When you're talking about having a hard drive

for people, you're not supposed to even aspire to talk about people. Think about what most people talk about. Pay attention to conversations. You know what you'll find most people talk about. Pay attention to conversations. And you know what you'll find most of the time? They're gossiping. They're telling stories about other people's sort of shortcomings. It's why Us Magazine,

those magazines are so popular. It's why so many of these talk shows that deal only with what's going on in Hollywood are so successful. People want to, they want to, I'm always amazed at people's capacity for gossip and how people can actually give a shit about somebody's relationship if they happen

to be in a movie and stuff like that stories too though everyone's always done that back in the day you had stories about people good stories though it's serious it's to our detriment it's serious there's serious things going on in the world that raise very serious questions, right? We're all affected by it. And it seems to me almost this sort of, I don't know if the word is, this analgesic sort of quality to sitting back and talking about things that have nothing to do with anything that are by their very nature completely ethereal for example like how much weight this actress lost or how much weight this actress gained and things like that do you ever watch keeping up with the kardashians i do not i think you should get out it's really a good show i can't wait i hope they have the cds

i have a theory about all this stuff, this stuff with gossiping and shit. I think what it really is is human beings, I think it has sort of a therapeutic effect on people. I think the questions that are around us all the time are so big and so scary and so nutty. Absolutely. It's a form of connection, and I'm not talking about connection. I'm not talking about having a place for everything like that. I'm saying that the problem is that when that is, when that becomes all people think and talk about,

there's something wrong. When there are other things that are a lot more fascinating. A lot of what's going on is I think people are inundated with too much data. I think people are, our brains are not set up to be on the internet yet. It's just, the brain is just, just being overwhelmed by shit. So I think we like to keep things

really simple sometimes to distract ourselves from that. Well, that's an interesting thing too because I was also thinking about how technology and its exponential growth is kind of rendering masculinity

in its traditional form completely obsolete. Someone sent me an email thanking me. He goes, thank you for connecting rational thinking and manly shit together, because normally it doesn't exist.

He goes, most people aren't open-minded. If you're into manly shit, everyone assumes you're a meathead, you're a dumbass. You can't enjoy it. I can't be intelligent and enjoy this, but I do. So what's going on? It's in my nature. How can you tell me I'm wrong?

It's in your genes. I mean, how can you tell someone they're wrong with that? But it's interesting how a lot of this stuff is becoming simulated. One of the reasons I think video games are so popular is because it's an outlet. It's an aggressive outlet for boys and men even to exercise that natural instinct to hunt and kill. It's absolutely natural, man. We're – I mean, Ricky Schroeder was on a couple weeks ago, two weeks ago. And Ricky, like, hunts like crazy. Does he? Yeah. He would never strike me as the guy. He hunts everything, man. We're, we're, I mean, Ricky Schroeder was on a couple weeks ago, two weeks ago, and

Ricky, like, hunts like crazy. Does he? Yeah, he's a, he hunts everything, man. He hunts everything. And we, we were talking about, like, hunter-gatherer instincts, and it brought up the idea, and I brought this up, I think there's probably, like, a series of genetic rewards we have for, like, catching and eating things and killing things because it's good for you, and because something is good for you,

usually there's like some sort of a natural reward system going on. Like with, you know, your brain chemistry, you get like, you know, a little blast of dopamine or whatever happens, you know,

a little blast of something. And we were talking about it and we were talking about like fishing, like you ever go fishing, man, and catch a big fish and then you cook and eat it. It feels good. Right? Yeah.

I think we're getting away from all that stuff, and we all have these reward systems that are set up inside of our bodies. And if we don't get them in some direction and force them into good exercise or some fucking creative path or something, we're basically making up for some rewards that we don't get all day anymore. Our lives now, if you work a shitty job, even if it pays well, if it's a shitty, boring-ass fucking job, it's not nearly as exciting as being a hunter. Right.

You know? Absolutely. When you're a hunter, you know, you might not be successful every day, but there's some shit that's going to go down. You've got to stalk. And you've got to look out for other animals that are trying to jack you. Yeah. You know?

You've got to all keep an eye out for mountain lions and crazy shit. I mean, if we're talking about, like, thousands and thousands of years ago. Right. We still have those bodies. We still have those bodies that are wired, like sex feels good. Why?

So you make babies. It's set up for that. The hunt feels good. Why? So you keep hunting. There's a reward system. So there's a deficit because we're not experiencing that.

Even though we do have dicks and we do have balls and we are men, in society, there's very little outlets for real manly shit. There are very few outlets. You canly shit. There are very few outlets. We are designed

to kill shit. We are designed to hunt and kill things. For thousands of years. For millennia, we've been genetically programmed to provide and protect. That takes courage and cunning and strength. As long as we're eating meat. If you're eating meat, that means you're killing something. If you're killing something, you have to be violent. There's got to be a violent release.

All of a sudden, you're taking in all this animal protein like you're killing things. We needed our violence. But there is no violence with most of us. There's no release. There's no explosion. So that's why everybody's fucking crazy with stress. We're eating meat and not being violent. Well, you had said, you were all saying exercise.

I so believe that the first thing for anybody to do, in my opinion, is get in your body. Yes. Get in it and feel the machine. And exercise, I think, is crucial. I don't know where I'd be without it. Yeah, it's maintenance for the mind. The body is important, but it's the mind. You can think way better.

If I have anything that's fucking with me, I go out and I hit the punching bag. Just think about nothing. Just hit the punching bag. Kick it, punch it, kick it, punch it, do a few rounds. Nothing bothers me when it's over. I heard a statistic, and I don't know. It's not like Mayo Clinic and stuff, but it came from a fairly reliable source that said that one in four people will die of cancer.

One in four people get cancer eventually, whether it's in their 80s or 90s, whatever. One in seven athletes get cancer eventually, whether it's in their 80s or 90s or whatever. One in seven athletes get cancer, they found. And there are a couple theories for that. One is that exercise, you know,

moves lymphatic fluid through your body and that's how you keep your body clean and all that stuff. And then, you know, people who did sports who were at,

but they're talking about athletes, like professional athletes and Olympic athletes. One in seven versus your standard one in four. What kind of cancer? Breast cancer? All cancers.

You know, an interesting statistic. There's never been a professional athlete that has lived to be over 100? I believe that, and I think it's probably because of the stress. I don't know if that's true. I don't know if that's true, but I read that. It was called Dead Doctors, Tell No Tales or something like that. It was all about minerals. Well, from what I understood, professional athletes, you know,

from sports do die earlier. Well, it makes sense if you put an incredible amount of stress on your body. Or ask cancer from eating so much like proteins and hard meats and stuff like that. Not everybody gets that. You have to go straight Brock Lesnar to get that. One and two. Brock Lesnar almost died from diverticulitis. Is that a liver disease?

No, it's from eating too much protein and no fiber. Protein buildup in your gut. It was actually like rotting a hole through it and creating abscesses. Did he start getting sick or did he just say, Brock, don't feel good? He didn't feel good for a long time. They said that he was operating at 60% to 80% of his potential, which is fucking terrifying when you think of how fucking fast and strong and athletic that dude is.

And to think that he was actually sick the whole time. That's so crazy. He's crushing dudes and he's sick. He's fighting Cain Velasquez in October in Los Angeles, in Anaheim. Now, I've never seen anybody quite so explosive and so big. He's a true freak athlete. Doesn't he walk around at 300 pounds and suck down? No, not anymore.

I don't think he wants to take that toll on his body, but he's a bit over 265. He's actually lighter now than he's ever been before because he changed his diet. Is he stronger when you talk to other guys who fought him? Does he feel like a Shane Car who've trained with him say... Well, yeah, he got clipped with a big punch. You know, Shane Carwin is a strong motherfucker, too, and he can bang, dude. Shane Carwin has serious, serious, serious power.

He's got power that there's not a single man on the planet that can take one of those bombs and be okay. I agree. He got fucked up. And Brock knew it. I think he felt it and was like, holy shit, this is like a new kind of thunderstorm coming my way. I don't think anybody ever hit him like that.

I mean, everybody's like, Brock can't take a shot, and Brock covered up and ran. No, Brock survived and won the fight, stupid. Which is incredible because he took a beating. He got clipped. Look, we knew for sure that Shane was going to be the better striker, but, you know, striker, but Brock has had some good... He dropped Randy with a right hand.

He dropped Heath Herring with a right hand. It was just how quick Shane put it on him. As soon as he started bombing, I was like, oh, shit. That dude's got some special power. He's got something. Boom! He hits dudes, and you can see the look in their eyes. They're like, what the fuck? When he hit Frank mirror like he hit frank we were like the short left hand

inside and you could see frank mirror's face like a couple of times before he dropped him he hit him with like these short punches well it was that but it was the look in his face like whoa like this is some fucking rocky shit we're doing here like i'm getting hammered. These are bombs. He's seeing sparks and trying to keep it together and he's not expecting that. And then he's thinking, what happens if this motherfucker gets his arms loose and starts raining these on me? I'm going to sleep. Shit! And then he gets one

hand loose and he's like, oh fuck, here it comes. Boom! Boom! And when Amir's legs give out, I'm like, god damn, Amir can take a shot, man. He's a big guy. He can take a shot because he took a gang of them before he went out. He took a gang of them. And Carwin was blasting him, man. Carwin, if he can get his cardio together, he can get his situation together.

I think it was a situation with the Brock Lesnar fight. He got really excited. He thought it was over. He thought it was over and he was just going to try to stop the fight and throw as many punches as possible. From what I heard, he got really excited. It was a strategy mistake. He didn't breathe, and he didn't, you know, he locked up. He locked up, and then he got, you know, literally lactic acid, froze his muscles, and the second

round he was done. But if he could figure out how to get his strategy together, and it might not even be to be that big, man. I mean, he's like two, he was like, he told me he cut, I think he said 16 pounds. So when I was talking to him the day of the fight, he was 16 above 265. That's so weird how big these guys are. He's giant. That's so weird.

How tall is he? He's a fucking giant. He's 6'1", 6'2". That's so weird. Yeah. What did he do before this? He's got these redonkulous gorilla paws, too. He's this dude.

He shakes your hand. And you're like, what the fuck is that that you call a hand? What is this giant thing? bone and ham hock? Because there are bears and there are dogs. I'm a dog and he's a bear. He's a bear. And no matter what happens, a dog never beats a bear in a fight. But my question, I'm sure you've been asked before, is what I notice about Fedor Emelianenko is his timing, his ability to time punches.

Oh, he's got brilliant timing. And it's so much better than everybody else's. He springs in. He's really good at springing in. And his ability and his speed. Yeah, he's very fast. He looks like a very dope boy. He's got to be, I bet you, if he were to really trim down, he's got to be 25 pounds overweight.

I'm just talking about fat. Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah, this is incredible, right? It's incredible. And, you know, that's the one thing I'd like to see him fight rocking. I said that I think that he could fight at middleweight, and I'm not kidding. I mean, I wouldn't want to see him do it.

I enjoy the fact that he fights at heavyweight, that he's only 230 pounds. Who in the world would stand up to him at middleweight? Well, I don't know. I mean, who knows? Maybe the speed wouldn't be as big as an advantage at middleweight. Maybe at middleweight, maybe one of the things he's got going for him is he really is a small guy, and when he's throwing these punches, it's sufficient power to drop these guys.

Because I'll tell you what, a guy like Patrick Cote, 185-pounder, who can really punch, that motherfucker can knock out anybody. He can knock out a heavyweight. A heavyweight student like Patrick Cote. Patrick blasted him with a big shot. He could put away a heavyweight for sure. And maybe that's what Fedor's doing. Maybe him being like this lighter guy.

There might be a benefit in being lighter. I mean, look at the Frankie Edgar fight that be a benefit in being lighter. 230 and fat. So if you look at Rich Franklin, okay? Rich Franklin is like above 200 pounds when he cuts down to 185. And now that he's campaigning at light heavyweight at 205, he's walking around, I would say, probably

maybe 220 or something like that. Not too big, but bigger. And Rich Franklin, you know, he's a fucking big guy, man. You know, he's a big fucking... I mean, if he wanted to be a fat guy, he could be 230. Really?

Yeah. I mean, Rich Franklin was the UFC middleweight champion, and if you put fat on him, he could easily be Fedor's weight. Can you tell me why it really seemed to me like the spider Anderson Silva like is bored or something. He just didn't want to fight.

No, no, no, no. That's not the case at all. Chael Sonnen is a fucking monster. That's what I thought BJ Penn was. Chael Sonnen is a serious wrestler. He is a hard-nosed motherfucker, and he will take fucking five punches in the face to try to take you down. And look, when he's dedicated and when he's on and when he's right, and he was in the Nate Marquardt fight, and he was in the Anderson Silva fight, he's a bad motherfucker.

He can take down anybody, man. He can take you down. He can beat the fuck out of you when he's on top of you. And you're going to have to deal with that shit for five rounds because he can keep doing it. And by the way, Anderson Silva did deal with it, didn't he? Yeah, and then he caught him. And then he caught him.

You know, Anderson Silva, that's a master right there, man. He waited for his opening. He was always dangerous. Two minutes left in the the fight no one gave him a chance slapped on that triangle bitch he's incredible it ain't over yet bitch i was watching it with my father my father was like this guy's not good and i go to and i said he's he's been a champion for 10 years i do not count him out he's special he might have lost every fucking round up until that moment, but he saw the moment and he fucking slapped that bitch up. I don't know. I hope so.

Either that. Well, I know that Chael Sonnen is, I mean, Chael Sonnen wants to fight Anderson Silva again, but I also know that Vitor is going to fight Yushin Okami. That's like the next fight that just been announced. So Vitor is going to fight Yushin Okami. That means Vitor is not going to fight Anderson, which means I think they're probably setting up

an Anderson-Chail Sonnen rematch. I don't know the official word yet, though. But look, man, why not make the money? The money's here. Everybody wants to see it. You can say, hey, Chail Sonnen, he lost fair and square. He needs to go up. That's all well and good, but what's this for?

I want to see it again. Yeah, everybody needs to get paid. Because that was in some ways a draw in a lot of people's minds, right? When you just have the fucking highlights from that first one and put them in a UFC ad, Chael Sonnen taking them down, over and over and over and over again, you know, that Chael Sonnen dominated for four rounds

until getting caught in his triangle. He vows to never let it happen again. Right. You know, and then you have Anderson. He's stuck it happen again. You know, and then you have Anderson, you know, he's stuck it in Portuguese. And for some reason, you just have me slide by like this,

with a thumbs up and no shirt on, with my average body. The Old Spice guy, do you ever feel like that Old Spice commercial, like somebody might have saw your act? Somebody, I've had a lot of people tell me that. Dude,

I watched that. Dude, your act. I watched that, and I was like, somebody saw Brian Call callan's act this is weird like that stuff that you see in the old spice commercial was really funny i mean we're not accusing so it's very possible they came up with their on their own yeah but it's very possible they saw your your your comment i never worry about it you know i just figure as a comic you

gotta just keep reinventing keep inventing man keep inventing you yeah you get too attached your persona though is far more intense and sexual than that guy's persona what brian does is a lot of very similar type stuff on stage to what that guy does but much more surreal and fucked up and sexual and like to the point where it makes you uncomfortable sometimes very very funny shit on youtube i mean it's just it just felt like you had very influenced you're gonna see a live there. The stuff I'm doing now has been, I don't know,

it's been very satisfying because I notice that the audience goes with me if I commit to it. So I always just go, this is what I think is funny. Whatever. I had a bunch of military dudes.

Sometimes I like this to be really obnoxious because I walk up, like I walk up, I think I was in San Antonio, there was a bunch of military guys named Macho, you know, tough guys

and I was like, I walk up and I go, I was wearing this tight American apparel shirt. And I was like, guys, first of all, I want to apologize for my body. Sorry about being so shredded. I know, I know. My back looks like a barrel of snakes.

Whatever. Let's move on. You know? And I was just completely, I kept apologizing for my body. I kept apologizing for how vast my back. I'm 170 pounds, okay? Regular dude, all right?

And these guys were all just jacked. I think sometimes I have so much fun being completely either totally absurd or just doing what I just think is funny. And they get it. People always seem to get it if you commit to it. It's when you apologize that I think they sense you're lying. But I'm not lying. Yeah, it's just got to be what you think is funny.

Brian is a very, he's got a very unique sense of humor. Thanks. The funniest things that I've ever seen anybody do. We were in a hotel and there's a video of it. I'll get Eddie Bravo to Twitter the video, put it online. But there's a video. Do you know what

the video's called on YouTube? I don't know what it's called. I wish I knew, ladies and gentlemen. I will find out later what it's called, but... I wish I knew, ladies and gentlemen. I will find out later. But it's like, if you look up, like, gay jiu-jitsu porno or something like that. Kung fu porno. What it was was he started doing this character.

We were just hanging out in this hotel room. It was a weekend of the UFC, like, a long time ago. And Brian just starts doing this character about a jiu-jitsu guy who fucks dudes when he holds them down. And it was literally funny to the point where I couldn't breathe. You were dying. You fell off the bed.

We couldn't breathe. Literally, if I had to look back on one of the funniest things I've ever seen, if I had to vote for the funniest things in my entire life as a human that I've ever seen, I think you win. I think that might have been the funniest thing I've ever seen ever. That means a lot to me. We were so high, though. Oh, my God.

We were so high. This was when I was first really getting in the pot, too. How long have you been smoking weed? How many years has it been now? Now it's been, what is it, 2010? Now I think it's about nine years, ten years. Ten years? Nine or ten.

I know I was getting high when 9-11 happened. I was already getting high. Yeah, because I wrote about smoking. The first 30 years of your life or whatever, you were completely, you never did anything. I thought that all drugs were bad for you. I thought that all drugs just made you a loser, and I was always terrified of being a loser. That was the one thing that I was scared of more than anything. I grew up in this situation where Boston is a very harsh town. And I did not have a fucking clue as to what I wanted to do for a living.

And everybody around me seemed to know. Everybody was like, going to college. I didn't want to go to college. I was like, what am I going to college for? I'm going to college just so people don't think I'm a loser. I have no idea what I want to do. for him going to college just so just so people don't think i'm a loser like i have no idea what i want to do but i wonder well you ever think i wonder why is it that like a lot you can go to like bars in long island or brooklyn or or in boston and get in a fight so easily in philly

so easily you can walk in with the wrong hat and get in a fight whereas it whereas in the pacific northwest like seattle or whether it's in in san even L.A., it's not the same thing. People are way cooler. Just get shot. They're just way – well, no, but the people are a lot more mellow. Yeah, way more mellow than on the East Coast. You spend much time on the East Coast, Brian? Why is that?

What? You spend much time on the East Coast? Yeah. I mean, well, for Ohio, that was like where we would go for vacations or weekends. That's a little bit more Midwest. Did you notice the East coast people being aggressive yeah i mean there's definitely more drunks and like fights and like especially like new york there's also a thing about the east coast though there's a no bullshit clause that there's definitely no bullshit clause man that you don't get out here it's out here bullshit

just breeds and runs rampant and fucking right feeds yeah well because you know it's what sam shepherd the great writer wrote about he said why why do you always keep your why do you have all your characters a lot of characters in california and around california la area he said because this is a place people come to to reinvent themselves it's a place that where people have no roots or they don't want to talk about their roots. And so it gave them a chance to create these characters that were playing a character, that they were basically lying. And I guess that's part of it.

Maybe you don't have – like I think a lot of times when you come from Boston or New York, you're – again, we were talking like you were saying, you're cast in a role. You play a certain role. You're given your attitudes. You're given what to believe in. You're given how to behave as a man. There are strong, resilient lines to that, and don't step out of them. Whereas when you're in L.A., there aren't as many people looking. A lot of people come here from somewhere, so they're not held down by that tradition.

Right. You're not born into a system. You're not born into a system. Yeah, a neighborhood system especially, right? Man, a neighborhood system is very powerful. Very powerful. It's very hard to get out of. You don't get out of it unless you physically move out of it a lot of times.

What's really fascinating is when people start fucking other dudes' wives. That shit's fascinating. You call it fascinating. I call it a turn on. In front of you? No, dude. While you're watching. There's some humans that I know, some civilians, non-actor types,

that are having intramarital dalliances with next-door neighbor's wives. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of that swing that goes on and stuff. I hear about that shit. Well, there's a lot of people doing it on a sneak tip too yeah and i'm like hey listen i don't want to hear about you in the fucking news i don't hear your murder suicide also maybe stop fucking your friend's life can you not do it in your neighborhood like next door don't you know that guy he's into your buddy don't you say hi to him wait a minute you guys you've had that guy over for a barbecue right

you did right yeah and you're fucking his wife? What? What? I haven't seen that actually Really? Maybe I'm naive People are freaks There's a lot of that going on

There's a lot of people wanting to distract themselves From this crazy world And they want to fuck They just want to scratch that itch Fucking so dirty They might as well be Fucking playing Dungeons and Dragons Or sticking Q-tips in their ears

I don't have time to fuck I'm too busy asking the big questions What's that? I don't know Distract fuck. I'm too busy asking the big questions. What's that? I don't know. Distractions. Yeah. There's no big questions. Something crazy happened to me at Fuddruckers the other day. Yeah, tell me about that story.

So I'm in Burbank, Fuddruckers, and I'm eating. My girlfriend's across from me. And I see her, like, staring kind of weird off to the side of me. I'm like, what's she looking at? Whatever. And then suddenly she stands up and taps this table that's behind me that taps this guy on the shoulder and screams this man's trying to steal your purse and points to this other guy that's sitting on the other side of me and uh he stands up and he goes i did not try to steal it no you're mistaking and next thing

i know he runs out i'm like what the fuck just happened and what supposedly happened is this guy comes in indian guy which is even weirder uh he sits down and then he takes his duffel bag and he pulls out a coat and puts it on this woman's purse that was on the floor and then he was starting to scoop it up into his duffel baton bag but stupid me runs out of fudruckers and chases the guy and i'm like halfway down the street going why the fuck am i chasing after this guy he didn't even have the purse why am i running after him there was a instinct yeah and there was a car getaway car he jumps in the getaway car and takes off in the car was like a brand new car it was like a brand

new monster it's called it's called prey. Do you think that you would have done that if your girl wasn't there? No, I think if he wasn't Indian, I would have not have done that. Really? I think the fact that he was Indian, I'm like, oh, it's Indian. He can't hurt me in other words. What does that mean? Are you crazy? I don't know, man.

You don't think an Indian guy could beat your ass? You know what? That accent's really hard to sound intimidating. Don't fuck around. I'll give you a tight smack. It really is. I'm not joking. No, it really does nothing for me. It's really too bad

that that's a hack accent because it really is a fun one. Yeah. Indian accent's a fun one. You can't, you know. But that's... And, you know, any jihad accent,

those are hacky. I'll give you a tight smack. I'm not joking. Don't fuck around with me. It's very offensive, offensive though that you find that funny that's just how they're communicating yes it is and i apologize although it'd be funny to see a hindu cop if you had one in in in boston nobody would stop do you freeze is that racist to make fun of them behaving like no it's a it's a mannerism their voice look i have a lot of respect

for any culture but i mean that that's i think think Hindi is, you hold your tongue in a certain way. And when you learn English, you, that's how some of them speak. However, a lot of, you know, India was a British colony, so a lot of them will speak sort of with an English accent, sort of a combination. Yeah, I've heard that too. It is fascinating. There's a couple of different accents coming in there. It's fascinating to think that the whole world, like basically like 150 years ago, was equal to like the population of India.

That's right. I think there were a billion. The whole world was like a billion. There are more than a billion people now in India. India is becoming a huge powerhouse. It's such a vast area. There was an episode of Anthony Bourdain's show. You ever watch that show?

No. No Reservations? No. One of my favorite shows. Really? I love it. It's fun. He's really cool. He's this guy who's a chef and uh you know he's like he apparently was just a wild

punk rocker type chef and he you know did a lot of drugs and wrote books about the the crazy world of of chef lives and chefs are all getting fucked up after shows or after uh you know their chefs rather in a kitchen yeah and then it just really, really hilarious stuff and he goes all around the world eating like these really cool places and like, you know, everywhere, you know,

all over the world. I'd love to do that actually. I love food. Oh dude, you gotta watch this show. I completely forgot what we were talking about. What were we talking about?

Buttholes. No. No. India accents. India. India. Oh, oh,

oh. It's becoming super popular. So he went over there and was in India and went on a set of one of these dudes doing those India fucking action movies. Like how many movies did they film over there? Oh, dude. They film insane amounts of movies. They make something like five times as many as Hollywood or something like that. It's really, India's come such a long way. In 19,

well, I think in 75, even in maybe even the early 80s, India couldn't feed itself. Really? India couldn't feed itself. Now India is a huge exporter of grain and rice and a lot of other goods.

Customer service. India is going to become, India is going to become, because it's such a decentralized, it's actually, it's because its government is so ineffective, you could make the argument that India is becoming a huge economic powerhouse. Don't finger that

while you talk about India. No, no, no. That's disrespectful. Continue. Continue. Mother India. Every time I think about India... He's fingering this... Now I can't... That one's off. That's yours now. That's yours. You got that one. That's all yours. Speaking of India and You got that one. That's all yours. Speaking of India and countries in America,

Brian, play that fucking crazy Glenn Beck thing. I am starting to get concerned. Did you email it to me? Yes, I emailed it to you. I want to hear it. This is what I'm getting concerned about. I'm getting concerned about this tag team fucking duo of Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin because now they're like combining their retard

superpowers and they have even more dummies that are into what they're saying. Okay. Dude, there was a giant Glenn Beck rally on the anniversary of Martin Luther King's I Have a Dream speech. You got to see this. It really is. If you haven't seen this, you got to watch this on YouTube, okay? It's Glenn Beck and he's pandering at its, and he's doing it in front of, it looks like a million white people.

They're saying it's only 100,000. I call it bullshit. They're trying to downplay this because they're worried about this motherfucker taking over the world. Because the retards are showing up in millions for this dude. This dude's got it locked up. He's picked up the full retard vibration. He knows exactly what they want to hear. He's playing them.

White people are going crazy. White people are acting like they're minorities. Is this a Glenn Beck rally? Yes. White people are trying to take back the world. Watch this. Look at this trying to take back the world. Watch this. Look at this. Listen to this.

Listen. Something that is beyond man is happening. Listen to this. Oh, my God. America today begins to turn back to God. Okay, that motherfucker should be doing tricks right now and handing out a hat. Okay? He's putting on a fucking show.

For too long. He was a stand-up comic, by the way. Yes, he was, and a terrible one. He's a genius, though, for retard control. Very dramatic. He pauses, he looks down, he cries.

There's nothing scarier than dumb people that sound smart. He's a sharp profile. A sharp-talking, dumb dude. He's a sharp profile. A sharp talking dumb dude. Worried about scars. And thinking about the scars. He's a dangerous motherfucker. You know, people are downplaying this guy.

This guy is starting to learn how much power he has. And it's growing and growing and growing. And his power base, as dumb as he is, as crazy as he is, as much sponsors pull off of his show because he says that Obama's a racist, that guy's getting more and more people into it. That's why you've got to be very careful of anybody. Now play the Palin one, because this is fucking bananas, too. Bananas? There's a thing that's going on in this country where people are happy to be dumb.

Well, it's fear-based, not thought-based, right? It's fear-based, it's not thought-based, and they also want a low bar. They enjoy this low bar. I wanted to have the same one. A dad! I wanted to have the same one. A dad. I wanted to have a dad. No, it's not. Fast forward it for a couple of steps, and he brings up Sarah Palin.

Oh, okay. I'm sorry. And she's speaking to you today as a mother of someone in the military. Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Palin. This is terrifying. This is the chapter in the book where shit gets crazy. This is where the earth starts to fucking eat itself.

This is like our fall of Rome. This is our fall of Rome. Really dumb people are trying to hijack the country. Thank you, are you not so proud to be an American? Oh my god. Nationalism, huh? Oh my god. What an honor, what an honor. We stand today at the symbolic crossroads of our nation's history. And all around us are monuments to those who have sustained us over the years in word or deed. There in the distance stands the monument to the father of our country.

And behind me, the towering presence of the great emancipator there's a billion white people out there look at all those white people at the moment of its most perilous there's probably one black guy he's just crying because he's so happy there's so many white people around him because he loves white people and over these grounds where we are so honored to stand... Oh, shut it off. Shut it off. I can't take it. I can't take it.

She's not a good speaker either. I can't take it. She's terrifying, man. That bitch is frightening the fuck out of me. Her and him together. Because I believe when I look at Sarah Palin,

I never even see a platform. I don't see a philosophy. I see ambition. That's all I see. Yes, exactly. Ambition for power. That's scary to me, man. That scares the fucking shit

out of me. History's littered with demagogues who ended up doing terrible things. In the name of what? Our team and the truth with a capital T. And we all have this desire to have someone lead us. We all have this feeling where

we need someone who's smarter and wiser, who represents us. When you're really fucking dumb, the problem is really dumb people, they get a say in everything too. They're subject to a lot of tricks. They're subject to nationalism. They're subject to these

ridiculous rah-rah-rah America speeches that don't say jack shit. They say nothing. It's all just this cheerleading fucking event. And they're subject to it. My team versus your team. Yeah, they can't help it. They're dumb. They don't know they're being bullshitted.

They grew up around dumb people. They go to work with dumb people. There's no one in their family that's interesting or asks any questions at all. And they just get sucked right into it, man. And she seems to speak real good. She seems like a normal person. There's a scientist I heard talking,

I think it was on NPR somewhere, and he was saying that human beings are, what is the word? Human beings are cognitively selective, okay, naturally. So what we'll do is, we already have a point of view based on our childhood,

based on our experiences, and we have a strong point of view. And what happens is, if we're listening to a speech or we're listening to a philosophy or reading a book, we'll cherry pick only the facts that support and bolster our argument. And one of the difficult things to do as you get older, and I think that's very important to do, is to always step back and take a look at the flaws in your own argument and the flaws of your own philosophy and in the paradigm that you carry around with you. Because that's how you grow.

Take a look, a critical and honest look at yourself all the time. That's my favorite thing about you. You've always been so ridiculously critical and honest with yourself. Not critical, but just always very honest, always reassessing. I've always seen that with you. That's why you've always grown. You can make mistakes, man. You can make mistakes because of emotions. You can make mistakes because of emotions.

You can make mistakes because of insecurities. It's a huge, it's very powerful to look at other people and go, you know what? I fucked up. I fucked up. I'm sorry. I fucked up. You never look bad when you're honest and vulnerable. You know, if you're a wild person, like I know you are, and I've been subject to being a, you know mean i'm not i'm not very good at normal life

you know when you're you're living like a wild person you know basically a comic does whatever the fuck they want man you're living as a professional comic you know and everybody else is is connected to some sort of a grid and you're you're living wild and crazy you're you're liable to do some crazy shit you're liable to find yourself with some weird situations a little too many in time when nobody watching for a man is a bad situation. Look, I got all this cash, nobody's looking, and I'm in Vegas. You can be nuts.

You can make mistakes. It's so easy to make mistakes. There's this Zen poet that wrote a really cool poetic book called One Continuous Mistake. That's what she calls life. Life is one continuous mistake. Well, it is.

It's like jiu-jitsu. You start out, you get tapped all the time. And eventually, you get a little bit better at not getting tapped. Eventually, you start tapping people. But there's always going to be more. It never ends. Always going to be more. It never doesn't go away.

It just gets bigger and bigger and crazier and crazier. It doesn't end. Do you ever surf, by the way? No, but I went boogie boarding in Hawaii, and it was fucking awesome. I did not think it would be so viscerally satisfying. I was just in France for nine days, in the south of France, called Biarritz.

Don't worry about it. My buddy made a fortune in the banking industry. You say this, it makes me so attracted to you. I know. The point is that I look, number one, great in a wetsuit, but I took lessons from the, sorry, I say that out loud. I took lessons from the current French national champion in surfing.

God damn. Third day, he had me on a wave. Holy shit. I surfed five waves. I was like, this is the greatest experience of my life. Really? But he was, a huge part of catching waves, a huge part of being a great surfer is understanding exactly how to read the ocean.

It's being able to catch the wave and the right wave. That takes literally so much. It takes rhythm. It takes patience. It takes strength. I'm glad I didn't start surfing when I was younger because I would have been out there now with no resume

and a guy who could surf tubes because that is addictive, man. I can't't tell me about it. I'm terrified. Oh, my God. You know, that's what everybody does. Really? What a surprise.

That's what they do. I mean, the surfer culture is connected so deep with weed. Have you seen Riding Giants? Have you seen Riding Giants? No. I can't believe you haven't seen Riding Giants. What is it? Can you just put it up on YouTube?

Well, they're at Hamilton. They surf tidal waves. Oh, I did see that. Waves that are six to nine stories high. Mexico, right? All over the world. Dude, you have to. I didn't understand how crazy this was until I went to Hawaii and did boogie boarding.

Dude, the waves, when they surf giants, they move at 35 miles an hour, so you have to be toting that jet ski. Oh, my God. If you fall, they're at Hamilton. It was riding. He was riding, and they said if he had fallen that wave, there's a 50% chance he would have just died. You don't come up because when you fall, there's another wave that's six stories high right behind you waiting to hit you again. Oh, my God.

And you get sent 100 yards into the ocean. Oh, my God. And they don't even have life vests on. Life vest? Oh, my God. You got to either surf that tube or you die, America. No, let's find out if they did have life vests. Did they?

No, they didn't. They definitely didn't. No, you got to watch. Oh, my God. You can't have a life vest because then you can't dive under the water and be safe. Oh, my God. Dude, riding giants. Oh, my God.

Riding giants and stepping. You can't have a life vest. The fucking waves are 90 feet high. They do. Yeah. No, they don't. No, 90 feet high. They do. No, they don't. No, they don't. They're in this video.

You're not allowed to wear a life vest. Those are the guys on the jet skis, not the guys surfing. Isn't that a life vest? No, that's not a life vest, dude. You know what that is? What is that? That's a pad for when they hit the ground, they don't get the wind knocked out of them. Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

Yeah, a lot of dudes get paralyzed, man. That's Laird Hamilton right there surfing a wave. You've got to talk into the microphone. Oh, I'm sorry. That's Laird Hamilton surfing a wave that if he had fallen, he wouldn't have made it. Okay, and the video is entitled Riding Giants. Yeah. You can find it on YouTube.

Oh, my God. It's Laird Hamilton. It actually said, oh, my God. That's hilarious. When I said, oh, my God. Damn. And this guy's the first big rider. There was a Hurricane 5 or something in Hawaii, and he went out on the water and surfed.

Until you go into the water just to swim, all this is very abstract. You don't realize the power of the ocean. It's ridiculous. I know a lot of people that have never swam in the ocean before. You ever get caught in a wave or in a tide? We get pulled back? Oh, yeah. That's scary as fuck, man.

Oh, my God. The ocean's so strong. Dude, that is scary as fuck when you get caught in a tide where you get pulled back. Oh, yeah. That's scary as fuck, man. Oh, my God. The ocean's so strong. Dude, that is scary as fuck when you get caught in a tide. Fishermen and those guys never lose their respect for the ocean. Never, ever.

It's like if you surf in that crab fishing, if you fall in that water, you got about five minutes before hypothermia and you're done. Five minutes. Why don't they have

like a cord in a helicopter? Like, rent a helicopter to follow you around with like a safety cord just in case if you get fucked up they can pull you. Because you can't do that because the thing about surfing, when you're surfing waves that are six stories high, is you have to have the ability to dive under the water.

If you tried to be like just a helicopter or a thing to hold you there and you got caught in that wave, first of all, it would break the cord. It would break the cord or it would rip you in half. It would break the cord, or it would rip you in half. Those waves, when you get caught in those waves, if you're unlucky enough, you'll get sent underwater 20 feet and thrown a football field. Oh, my God, dude. And you're going to hold your breath for that whole thing. Thrown a football field. A football field underwater, flying at 30 miles an hour.

Yeah, you're in a washing machine. Oh, my God. Oh, what's that? A boulder. There's your head, stupid. That's it. That in a washing machine. Oh, my God. Oh, what's that? A boulder. There's your head, stupid. That's it. That's a wrap, son. Hey, guys die.

Dead forever. Oh, they die all the time, man. This one dude off of San Francisco would paddle out a half a mile. Oh, my God. And there were sharks everywhere. He'd have a wetsuit. And there was a wave that was...

They breed up there. That's where the sharks breed. For 15 years, he surfed that alone in an early morning and early evening and would surf waves that were literally six stories, eight stories high. The first day, Surfer Magazine

brought a bunch of the best surfers out there. One guy died. San Francisco has waves that high? There's a break where the waves are tidal waves. Is it only in the winter? I can't believe you haven't seen this movie. I'm terrified. I'm terrified of getting... Riding giants. There's two things that I've always

been terrified of. Golf and surfing. Ah, man. I know. When I had my problem with pool where I was playing pool 8-10 hours a day, it was a massive obsession, but it was also fun as fuck. There's something really rewarding about getting good at pool. I never got to professional level, but it was also fun as fuck. There's something really rewarding about getting good at pool.

And I never got to like professional level, but I got decent where I could run out if I had an open shot, you know? You were good. And when I started playing, like when I was playing like eight, 10 hours a day, you get like these like crazy rewards for figuring out racks. There's like this, it's really like we're little junkies for some chemical that you get when you run out.

It's like, it's a difficult thing to do. So you get this weird, like I figured it out reward, you know difficult thing to do, so you get this weird, I figured it out reward. Ah, you're figuring out life. Meanwhile, you're just stuck in a room knocking balls into a hole like a retard. But your brain is flooded with this reward chemical. And it gives you the ability

to solve problems and use patience and try to come up with creative solutions. Even though it seems to be just like balls on a table with six holes, what it really is is you've got to be creative in solving solutions and be rational in how you do it and control the ball. It's very, very, very addictive. But I know golf is too, so I've been terrified of golf. Because everybody I know that's smart, they get into it.

They knock a ball. They're like, it's exciting. It's fun. It's an obsession. It's so rewarding. They're like, it's exciting. It's fun. It's an obsession. It's so rewarding. I'm like, no, no, no. My father takes lessons. He goes to camps.

Yeah, see? He's nuts. And golf apparently is way more popular than pool. So if that's the case, then it's got to be even more rewarding. That's the only thing that makes sense, right? No doubt. You're outside. You're outside.

First of all, the setting. And it's never – all you're doing is swinging. Just swing the club. And you keep the swing keep that's what cigars are all about too you know cigars are all about two things when you're lounging

after you had a big fat steak or like if you're out with just a bunch of dudes and you know there's no chicks and just like just like if you want to stink up

if you want to stink up a restaurant really never once in a while I'm going to enjoy this I'm going to enjoy this I'm going to knock this ball around I'm going to talk some shit you. I'm going to talk some shit. I'm going to tell you about this porno that I jacked off to the other day.

I can say everything I want. I can say everything I want. When you get married, especially if you're a civilian, if you get married and you have kids and you're at home all day or after you get off work, you're at work all day, you have to adhere to one code. Then you get home and you have to adhere to another code

because you're not allowed to swear on the baby right you know you don't get much chance to cut loose and stick up the olive garden with your cigar tell stinky pussy stories from high school smell my finger i remember that dude dude dude smell this how many guys have told you stinky pussy stories and you've been captivated like it was a goddamn stephen king book because we've all we've all had these stories. Eddie Bravo has the best one. He was having sex with a girl and she had

a yeast infection and her feet smelled at the same time. And he was having sex with her in a truck. He was like fucking her in an SUV and he had to open up the window and stick his head out. It's hilarious. And he tells it. It's brilliant. I think he actually told it in one of the podcasts, one of the past ones.

Did he? You know what's funny? He told it on Opie and Anthony. I've been in those situations where it's been, like to use Jim Norton's joke, it smelled like an open grave. Literally, I was like. Which is the best way to describe it.

It was an open grave. I've been in those situations where I've been like, this is the worst smell I've ever... I might catch a disease, and guess what? I keep going. That's what a mess I am. It smells worse than shit. Girls will be like, oh my god. I'm like, whatever.

I took a shit in the toilet. The worst is when the girl doesn't react to the fact that it's happening. You want to address it? This girl I know had a really stinky pussy, and I would know I was going to eat her pussy out. I still wanted to do it. So I just gargled before I did and kept a little gargle in my mouth

and just kind of spit it on her pussy. God! You just spit lice all over her pussy? That's actually, it's kind of genius. Why is it so tingly? It makes it wet too. Oh, Jesus! It's minty, it's delicious.

It just probably smelled like shit with Listerine. And then the Listerine burns the shit out of your urethra. Oh, God. It probably killed their chances of having babies. No cavities, either. I'm allergic to a spermicide on condoms, man. Really? Yeah.

What does it do to your dick? I haven't worn a condom since the 80s, but the point is. I saw one once, and I broke out in hives. Dude, I get that. That detergent gets in my pee hole holy shit man i'm done i peed for the next like you know fucking maybe that's gonorrhea anyway oh no but i mean for real man i'm allergic to i'm allergic to that shit yeah man it's um there's a lot of goddamn chemicals that aren't good for your system well we're exposed to so many different chemicals all the time. Yeah.

It's amazing. Yeah, what do you think about fluoride in the water? Is that all bullshit? I think it's all bullshit. What do you think? You think fluoride's healthy to be drinking? I think it's been around for 40, 50 years, and we've had a pretty good control group, judging from what we've seen.

And, nah, I don't think it's – You don't think it has any effect? I don't know. I don't think any of these things have effect until they are combined with... I think what happens with the human body is we get exposed, we get exposed by countless chemicals,

and who knows what they're like in combination. You know, hydrogen and oxygen, if you put them together in the right combination, they form water, right? I mean, it's the same thing with anything. Right, like cigarettes and birth control can be deadly. Right, right. Truly, truly, people? It's the same thing with anything. Right, like cigarettes and birth control can be deadly. Right, right. Truly, people die.

Girls die if they are smoking cigarettes and they take birth control. Because they get blood clots. They get blood clots. They can go into stroke. It's terrifying. And so for me, that's always what it is. It's a question of what are we being exposed to?

What is the umbrella of chemicals? When is that happening? And all that stuff. What are the windows for it? It's complicated. It complicated the body what i've found is i'm i've always been really into health and i've always been really into especially keeping my energy where i need it and as i got older i would always take different things like i tried supplements i try this and more protein and what i find actually for me is if i get enough sleep and then i eat just enough your stomach is the size of a softball you the adult stomach, the adult male stomach is the size of a softball.

If I eat, like just controlling my portions and eating good real food, as long as I get enough sleep sometimes, that's all I need just personally for me. It's just a question of, I can't remember what the hell we were even talking about. He got too strong.

You were talking about going... That's exactly why. You went on a tangent. That's what happened. You were talking about if you go to the Applebee's, just use your palm of your thumb. If you could fit the food on there, just eat that. That's it, ladies.

Yeah, yeah. Good luck, America. It is true. I mean, I always feel better when I have small meals throughout the day. I don't feel as lethargic, but I'm a glutton, and I will sit down and eat immense portions of food. I've been eating a lot of steak lately, like all day. Tell me about it.

When I work out, if I do kettlebells or if I do jiu-jitsu, I just come home and eat steak. It's pretty bad for you, right? No, it's not. Meat's not bad for you at all. There's no evidence. I don't think meat is bad for you. I think meat is bad for you, right? I love meat. No, it's not. Meat's not bad for you at all. There's no evidence. I don't think meat is bad for you. I think meat is bad for you if you don't exercise.

I think meat's bad for you if you don't also eat vegetables and things like that, maybe. I think there's another thing that I read in this silly quote that I'm going to give you that I don't know if I could back up. It was in the same book. All people over 100 that live to be over 100. Almost all of them were red meat eaters. Well, that's actually, if you go to TED.com and the guy who studied the six blue zones in the world where people live well over 100 years old, and one is in Sardinia, the other is in Okinawa, the other is actually the Seventh-day Adventists who live out in Montana,

and he just took a look at these six different blue zones. What's the common thread? All of them ate meat, actually. Most of them eat some kind of a... No, most of them... All of them eat meat, fish, whether it's fish or meat. And all of them... There are a couple other things that they do,

but the other thing is a lot of them eat fermented things like yogurt and stuff like that. That's very important. And in their culture, they also all have something to live for. They all have a reason they get up every morning. And a religious reason? Oh, no, I'm sorry. The other major thing, I'm sorry.

The major thing that he found had nothing to do with religion. It had to do with how connected those communities were. Connection, they find when people have strong, bonded communities in villages and things like that, where they take care of each other, and where even if somebody doesn't do as well, if there's a cultural sort of notion that it doesn't matter, you take care of that person, you make them feel safe. Those are the longest-lived people. And in the book, The

Outliers, where he looks at this place called Rosetto, which was this village in Italy called Rosetta, founded in the foothills of Pennsylvania they created this community built churches and they would all move from the marble quarries and move there and there was a marble quarry close to there so this town Rosetta so this doctor went there to do this convention and he was talking to another doctor who had been

practicing on Rosetta for a long time and this was in 1961 and he said you know I gotta tell you these people cook with lard a lot of them are overweight but they all come from the same part of Italy and none of them die of heart disease they die of old age

and he went, that's weird because heart disease right now is an epidemic in our country so let's go study it so he took a bunch of people and they were studying it they were like, maybe they come from a really hearty stock but the problem was the people that would move out of that town and go to another town would die of heart disease so he's like, that doesn't so it's not a really hearty stock, but the problem was the people that would move out of that town and go to another town would die of heart disease. So it's not a genetic hearty stock, although people there live long.

He said, what is it? They're not even cooking with olive oil anymore. They're cooking with lard, and they do exercise, but they don't exercise as much. And what they found was that they had a really, really strong community and that they all had this incredible support system. So if somebody didn't make as much money or was a little slow, they still felt loved. And when they would go to these medical conventions,

they started trying to talk about health in terms of community. In other words, human beings, yeah, you need to control your cholesterol and your fat and there's a science behind it. There's also what is obviously very important for human beings for longevity

is connection. Feeling connected. Feeling like they have connection and that they're loved. It's like Avatar, bro. Yes, it is. And I'm a Navi. I think it's just

because they're so happy they get to fuck Asian women so that's why all these different places, the hottest women, the happiness. You like Asian women? Yes.

A lot of Asian. That's a terrible theory, bro. Actually, I believe it's just lean fish. Don't you always think about that? Health definitely has something to do with it. Diet has something to do with it. Italians, a lot of parts of Italy, they eat a lot of seafood, a lot of fish, a lot of fresh fish.

A lot of vegetables. What we think of as American Italian food, like meatballs and sausages and stuff like that. They have that in Italy, but that's not really Italian food. A lot of Italian food is seafood. Right. Like Il Grano, that place you took us to. Brian introduced me to this really great restaurant.

It's in Santa Monica or West LA? It's in West LA on Purdue in Santa Monica called Il Grano. Great restaurant. And the dude goes to the fish market every morning at 6 o'clock in the morning and gets what's fresh. It's unbelievable. He's a bad motherfucker. What's his name? Sal Marino.

Yeah. And he has these like nine course dinners. If you got the cheddar, if you could afford this shit, son. Yeah. Crazy expensive.

It's expensive. But you know what? It is an experience. The dude is like an artist. The dude's an artist. He's a maestro. He goes to the fish market. He prepares all the meals himself.

He's fanatical. Wow. The dude's dedicated to it. Comes over to the table, introduces himself, talks to you, chats to you, explains to you what each different thing is and why they're together because this gives you one certain kind of taste and this like, you know. He grows, I think, 36 different kinds of tomatoes in his yard. He's a maniac.

Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker. He's a nut. What's the name again? He lives for food and lives for the details. It's called Ilgrano. Ilgrano. I-L-G-R-A-N-O. Yeah.

It's on Purdue and Santa Monica Boulevard. Badass. In West LA. You know, that's one of the things about watching that Anthony Bourdain show. I've always loved good restaurants, but I never really understood what was going on behind the scenes until I watched his show. Really? And I was like, wow, what a fucking... He would bring you backstage to where all the Mexicans are.

And he was in New York City. And he was like, this is the backbone of bring you backstage to where all the Mexicans are. And he's like, you know, he was in New York City and he's like, this is the backbone of all the best restaurants, all the best chefs. He goes, they're these Mexican guys. Dude, they work so hard. Yeah, and they run

these super expensive restaurants. I don't know what it is in the culture, like Mexican culture, but I really have always been so impressed with how hard these dudes work. They bust their ass.

People are like, I am anti-immigration. Dude, these guys work their ass off, man. They're nice people too, man. Look, Mexicans in LA, you're not going to have any more assholes in the Mexican community per capita than you would in the white community or the black community. Of course not. There's always assholes per capita.

Yeah. And I know a lot of cool Mexicans, man. Yeah, man. Me too. I love Mexican food. I'm not really into the music. They can keep their music. You can keep their music you keep that mariachi i would have to i would have to all right i love you your food is awesome your people are cool as fuck you made the best boxers ever all my favorite boxers

julio cesar chavez my number one favorite boxer of all time mexican yeah yeah did you ever see a movie called amoros perros you don't want to have that on dvd that's one of those it's one of my favorite movies bought and never watched that's one of my favorite written and directed by a mexican guy guillermo something i think who did pan's labyrinth i think passion of the christ cured me of anything with subtitles oh no dude you gotta see i know it's a great movie i'm sure i saw those you'd love it man yeah he did what other movie did he do he did pan's labyrinth yes oh that's guillermo del toro then yeah yeah dude pan's labyrinth is a badass. Oh, that's Guillermo del Toro, then. Yeah. Yeah, dude, Pan's Labyrinth is a badass. He's a badass.

Although, I did not like his book, man. I read his book, The Strain. I didn't read it. Oh, it was so disappointing, because it started out so badass. It's a vampire book, and it starts out where this plane lands, and everyone on the plane is dead. They've all been jacked by a vampire. Wow.

And the vampire flew in from another country and killed everyone on the plane and landed the plane and they couldn't communicate with the plane and they didn't know what the fuck to do. It starts out badass. Where you're like, whoa, where's this going? But at the end of the book,

it's like, and then he killed this one and this one came out and he killed him. It's almost like they ran it like, let's just finish this fucking book. This is stupid. Vampires on a plane.

I would love it if they rewrote. I really wish they would go back and pick up where you got in like 30, 40% in. Let's try it again. Let's try the end again. Let's try another end. What was the movie? What was the one movie that scared the shit out of you more than anything else? The Blair Witch Project scared the fuck out of me, man.

The first came out, yeah. Twice. Two times. Two times. The first time it scared me is because me and Chris McGuire went to go see it in Houston, Texas. We were performing at the Laugh Stop. First time it scared me is because me and Chris McGuire went to go see it in Houston, Texas. We were performing at the Laugh Stop. And these dudes who worked across the street at the movie theater came over to the show.

And this was like pre-Fear Factor. I was on news radio. Very few people really knew who I was. But I had a good following in Texas for some strange reason. And these guys came over after the show and go, hey, man, you want to go watch the Blair Witch Project? We work at the movie theater. We'll turn it on. We'll all go hang out there.

And we're like, fuck it. Yeah, let's go. So me and Chris McGuire go across the street with these two dudes and this dude's girlfriend and watch the Blair Witch Project at 2 o'clock in the morning on a Saturday night after the midnight show. And it was fucking scary, man. Because first of all, it was scary because I didn't know what this movie was about. I didn't know if it was a hoax. I didn't know. I'm like, I'm

sensing bullshit. I'm sensing acting. I go, this this is not real they're not trying to say this is real like i knew almost nothing about it i just heard that witch they that woman they see it was fucking scary it was scary yeah i mean it was obviously i was laughing see the problem is i saw that i know it was bullshit when when everybody told me it was bullshit. Oh, no. You've seen that before. That was the first time it scared me. The second time it scared me is when I took, I don't remember who I was dating at the time, but I took this girl to go see it with me. And when I took her to go see it with me,

as I was, oh, it was Jessica. And as we were watching it, there was a dude who had his kid there. And his kid was making so much fucking noise. And the kid was like so much fucking noise. And the kid was like six or five or six. A lot of people bring their kids to those movies. And so I shushed him.

I went like, shh. And this Mexican dude freaked the fuck out on me. And he's like, motherfucker, don't shush my kid, motherfucker. You know, fucking bitch. Straight up, bitch. I'll kick your ass, bitch. And I'm like,

oh, what are we going to deal with here? What the fuck am I gonna deal with here so you know what I did I said nothing I just looked at the dude and said nothing and I tried to think about what's gonna happen here is this guy gonna have a gun what have I put myself in what kind of a situation am I putting myself yeah best case worst case scenario best case scenario you have to beat him up in front of his kid this guy was suck yelling at me you know and it was wild like so he didn't give a fuck that there's hundreds of people in this movie theater like that's the craziest thing about LA like

you never know when you run into someone who's completely out of the fucking mind and with his kid and people with their kids are crazy yeah yeah and this dude I was looking at him so I go fleshy and chubby I'm like this is not this is not what I need he wants to fight it's like so you do two wants to shoot me you know that's that's a scary thing about how many people in LA have guns the type of person who will just come at you that aggressively out of nowhere right you know when you look it really it's his fault okay if that was me and my kid was and someone went i had been like sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry come on let's go we gotta go we gotta go we gotta take you out of here until you

calm down right but this motherfucker very rational guy this motherfucker yelled at me man it was like whoa this is not good. So that's when I was scared twice by the Blair Witch Project. That's the second time. That is the problem. Second time, much scarier. Every time I thought about that movie, I thought about that dude. I saw a shooting.

I was on Vermont. I was on Vermont literally right near the time. You actually saw the shooting happen? Saw the shooting. I was in traffic. It was like about one of the times. You actually saw the shooting happen? Saw the shooting. I was in traffic. It was like about four in the afternoon. And these dudes get out of the car and go, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo.

And he empties a clip, a Glock, into this other car, misses the car. Oh, my God. And then he stands there and looks. And I remember he had his glasses, his sunglasses on the back of his head. And he stands there and looks. And he's looking like that.

And he just casually casually walks back and I go holy shit I'm like watch this I'm stuck in traffic when this happens I turn and a cop is right next to me and I go did you see that and the cop goes what and I go that guy just emptied his clip that car there emptied his clip into that car the dude had come around this way and went off. And the guy goes like this. The cop goes over there. I go, yeah. And he goes, uh, right.

And he grabs a thing and then the traffic started to move. And I'm like, do you want to go ahead? So had he not seen it? He didn't see it. And he was right next to me. And the guy emptied the clip. But, you know, outside it sounded like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. But, you know, you figure it's a construction hear it? It sounded like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. But, you know, you figure it's a construction.

And I turn. I see a guy emptying a gun. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. A cop should know what a goddamn gun sounds like. I bet you he didn't hear it. He had Bluetooth on probably. His window rolled up.

He's not here. You know, you don't hear that. You know what? Yeah. Especially if he's listening to the radio. And it's traffic. And it's really loud. And the dude just emptied the clip right there.

And they got away. No problem. I kept driving and then he kind of pulled the other way and I was like, well, there it goes. So they completely got away. They completely got away. But you know – How much investigation do you think is done into that? Zero.

Really? Zero. Really? They got to file a report. There's too many people out here. Like when I was talking about that purse thing and all the cops came, they're like, well, so you got the license plate number? And I gave it to him and he goes yeah didn't come up with anything i'm like well two of us two people sell the license you use like like typing in a

computer and go all right white mazda you know these are all the white mazdas matched with five of the letters you know or something like that you know what i mean you know how crimes are still going to do any of that you know the majority of crimes are still... They're not going to do any of that. Do you know how the majority of crimes are still solved? How? Almost all of them. It's never CSI work. It's confessions. Really? Yeah.

Still. Confessions and human interaction and cops who are really good at getting people to just feel safe and saying, look, first they empathize. Let's just give them ecstasy. I bet everybody would confess. Exactly. I'm serious. Give prisoners ecstasy.

Yeah. Just hit them up with two tabs. It wouldn't stand up in court, though. Eh. We need to change the court, then. Yeah. We need to change that. I think anything that you say under ecstasy, if you're on ecstasy, you're going to tell the truth.

There are drugs that are better than that, though. Are they? Way better. Yeah, but they don't make you feel good. You make someone feel good, they're more likely to tell you everything. I think sodium pentothal will make you just relax. If it it did then people would take it at raves good point they would have sodium pentothal set up at raves not stop you're right ecstasy is the shit but after i saw that shooting i remember i was really depressed and for three days i said to my buddy i go i don't know man i

feel depressed or something ever since i saw that shooting and my buddy goes yeah you're supposed to that's normal to feel really scared and depressed when you see somebody try to kill someone else. You know they prescribe ecstasy for people that have got post-traumatic stress disorder? Makes sense. Yeah, that's one of the things that they say that it's a beneficial thing.

By the way, I only took ecstasy once. It's just specified. I've said this before. I've taken it twice. It was scary. I would never do it again. I did not like how I felt the next day. The next day, I was so dumb. I couldn't read. I literally couldn't read. I would never do it again. I did not like how I felt the next day. The next day, I was so dumb.

I couldn't read. I literally couldn't read. I was like, this is terrible for your body. What I'm doing, that was not like mushrooms or anything where I got something out of it, but my body felt almost better and more energized. You gotta go through a mushroom trip. You feel good at the end of it. You feel a little exhausted, but you

feel good physically. You feel like you've lost a lot of stress. Did they used to prescribe it for... Or they don't do it now still. No. People have done therapeutic tests using it, and there's a lot of evidence that it helps people with all sorts of

things in their life, in their past, dealing with things. What does even better is Ibogaine. Ibogaine is this thing. My friend Ed Clay was just telling me how it changed his lifeaine ibogaine is this thing my friend ed clay was just telling me how it changed his life ibogaine is this uh this drug that is illegal in america but legal in mexico so a lot of people go down to mexico to take it and they have these ibogaine uh therapy places where they're like some incredibly high percentage over 80 successful in curing people of opiate addiction with virtually no hangover like

literally rewires your entire brain it's supposed to be like one of the most intensely introspective uh experiences a human being could go through like my friend ed said that it was like he re uh relearned his whole life like literally went back over things that he did when he was a child and the things that his father said to him that when he was young that made him today and yeah and but but graphically you know in in like high detail like you're watching it in a film and you know and brilliantly demonstrates all the areas in your life where you're behaving and acting in a certain way and what this addiction really is is some sort of a hole in the way you know way your mind has been wired and it almost sets everything, resets everything, and lets everything jingle into place and you get a much better map of what your mind

is and how your mind works. It's hugely successful in curing people of heroin addiction. It's illegal in this country, but he said it completely changed his life. He started thinking about his relationships with his family and all his childhood country, but he said it completely changed his life. He started thinking about how his relationships with his family and all his childhood shit just saved the way he thinks. He just feels so much more loving and friendly and

cool and kind. He had an air of relief about him. It was really kind of cool. That's wild. Illegal in America. Why would you want to get enlightened? We don't have room for that. No, we got room for Big Macs. We got no room for enlightenment. There are a million people going to see Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin at the fucking Washington Monument on the eve of the Martin Luther King

I Have a Dream speech. We have no room for enlightenment. We don't have any room for you here. You can do that in Mexico if you like. If you want to deal with the drug cartels, you know they behead people. You know those guys. Go ahead. Go down there and see God.

You know that humanitarian bunch. Yeah, you want to go down there and see God? Mex know they behead people. You know those guys. Go ahead. Go down there and see God. You know that humanitarian bunch. Yeah. You want to go down there and see God? Mexicans have been rocking it for a long time, man. Mexicans were rocking it in mushrooms way before we figured it out. Well, it's like peyote. Joseph Campbell wrote this book about why peyote came into existence. And when the Native Americans, the peyote Indians, were losing all their land, including even their animals.

The mythology was all wrapped up in the buffalo and the animals around them. And when we went through that in the 1800s, when they were essentially laying in the railroad and shooting all the buffalo and lacing the body with strychnine and all the other animals would eat it, and you had 500 million animals they think probably died in the space of 20 years. It used to look like the plains of Africa. And when the peyotes realized that everything to their mythology, think about this, your whole mythology,

everything that you based your culture on is the animals themselves are gone. Two generations. It was 20 years. Not two generations, it was 20 years. And when that happens on such a drastic level, they started taking the peyote to go within their

consciousness to find that nostalgia for something that's beyond themselves. Wait a minute, so peyote use only started when... Only started in the 1800s with the peyote Indians. Really? Yeah. That's fascinating. I did not know that. That is fascinating.

Yeah. Now, indigenous people have always taken various... I'm sure the peyote knew about that particular... Maybe it was just for the shaman. Mexicans, they had shamans, and they were big with Cubensis mushrooms thousands of years ago. They've had those for a long time.

Human beings have always... The most fascinating thing to me about Mexico is how there are like a thousand Mayan temples, they believe, that have not been discovered. They'll go digging up apartment buildings and shit in Mexico City. They're, like, you know, replacing something. They knock something down, and then they have to stop because they find a Mayan temple. That's wild.

That's no bullshit, man. That's amazing. How crazy that is. They have fucking Mayan temples, and they find them when they're digging up, like, apartment buildings. Like, one of the most complex and bizarre cultures to ever exist. Yeah. They used to play football with human

heads they made these incredible fucking geometric patterns for structures yet they didn't even invent shoes they had complex calendars that mapped out their solar system and predicted solar and lunar eclipses the fucking dude man and then they just disappeared was that crazy because a plague or they don't know they don't know They don't know. They don't know. They don't know. And they know that they used to have a lot of shit written on paper, but it's very difficult to find. It's like the way Mayan language is written, too, it's very difficult to decipher. Because like a word to them or a symbol to them actually means a sound.

Terrence McKenna described it. He said that if you said, like, I saw Aunt Rose, you would have to have an eyeball, a saw, an ant, and a rose. And so that's how you would say, I saw Aunt Rose. Wow. So it was all phonetic. Yeah, so all these little

different dudes, little different characters, these weird fucking things that they would draw, and they would put them all together. They all meant different sounds. So then you had to figure out, like, okay, it means a certain word, and how does it go with this one? In a way, though, you could almost say that's the same thing with actually any language. Yes, but it's pictures. They're drawings. Okay, yeah.

You know, they're weird. I mean, there's little dots and stuff. There's certain things that they used to figure out dates. But a lot of it is like these weird depictions. You know, a fucking moon with an eyeball and a snake. And, you know, these things all mean different things. It's very strange, man. Damn.

It'd be really difficult. They had this crazy complex society. Where's the Rosetta Stone for that? Living in the jungle. This weird society that was mapping out the heavens. You know, I mean, think about that back in the 100s. Sometimes I wonder, though, if that's a product of not so much a culture, but a set of circumstances. For example, why did Socrates and Plato and Aristotle come out of Greece?

How did Greece become this sort of hub of civilization? Well, a lot of their stuff came from Egypt. No, not just that, but the idea was that Greece was a country that because they could export timber, olive oil, and wine, they didn't have to live on a subsistence level, so they had three months of the year

to just sit back and kind of hang out. And think about things. And think about things. Wow. So cultures that had the luxury of being able to sell or not only their merchandise or create a system where they could actually be wealthy. Surplus. Yeah. They had time to sit back and actually think about things. So you probably in Mayan culture had a similar situation where four or five or six or maybe whatever geniuses were given room to flourish.

I'm sure geniuses are born all the time, but they're just not in circumstances where they can flourish or have opportunity. And this was a culture that allowed for that, and they came up with – it takes one great mathematician to change everybody's whole world, right? It takes one genius architect. One Tesla. One Tesla. Comes up with a hundred inventions that fix everything. to change everybody's whole world, right? Yeah, one genius. It takes one genius architect. One Tesla. A hundred inventions that fix everything. Changes and gives rise to all the other scientists who piggyback on that. So many people don't even realize.

If it wasn't for Nikola Tesla, we'd probably be living back like they were in the 70s. We'd probably be a few decades behind. I've heard that. I've heard he was the great genius. He's the craziest wizard ever, man. What an insane inventor that guy was. Yeah, I mean, there's been a bunch of guys who changed culture like that,

but I wonder if that's what it was, whether it was like some super group of Mayans that were like super intelligent, and then eventually they died off and their culture died off. Look at the founding fathers. I mean, the idea that those guys wrote the Constitution, a bunch of men in their 30s, that's incredible. It is an incredible thing. That document in the Federalist those guys wrote the Constitution, a bunch of men in their 30s, that's incredible. It is an incredible thing.

That document in the Federalist Papers, one of the great ideas of philosophy, you're talking about men in their 30s who solved the political problem. Yeah, they tried to keep it together.

They solved politics. They came here from another fucking country that sucked. I know. Decided to start another country. Start over.

And they solved the political problem. They created the Constitution. They created the greatest government. Because you know why? It was based on freedom. And like you were talking about, it was based. They created the Constitution. They created the greatest government. Because you know why? It was based on freedom. And like you were talking about, it was based on freedom for the individual. And it wasn't based on government bureaucracy.

Government was a necessary evil. It wasn't an engine for good. Do you think that it's possible to get back to that? Is it possible? It's not possible if all these people are buying into Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck. Look, I think it's possible for the idea and it's it's very resilient and strong in american culture still and it's part of the american spirit the concept and the idea that i as an individual have protection to speak my mind

to gain profit from my own ingenuity and my own risk taking to worship or say what i want as long as it doesn't you, incite a riot or whatever, etc., etc. Those kinds of things, I think, are very strong. And I think this country has always swayed from one extreme to the other, or somewhere in the middle. I mean, there are always trends that push us toward the left, trends that push us toward the right i think the issue now is that you have so many people who for such a cheap price can get on tv and if they got a good speaking voice or a sharp profile or they say things that are inflammatory you got enough people where shit is changing so quickly today we don't a lot of people are just afraid of how fast things are changing especially technology you're going to have people who want to get back to the old way of living the status quo god guts and guns

whatever it might be they want to go back to a john wayne yeah so it doesn't surprise me that when when when my boy glenn beck says we're bringing our country back to god people go that's the nostalgia i remember the 50s or this you know whatever it might be let's get back to basics we human beings have always been that way wrote that shit and allowed for a pause after god he's a performer he's an actor he's like okay god when i say god that's gonna get him that's gonna get him they're gonna be clapping then okay so i'll take a deep breath dramatic pause dramatic pause go exactly it's all the music but it's unfortunate that it works man Deep breaths. Dramatic pause. Dramatic pause. Go. Exactly. It's all the music.

But it's unfortunate that it works, man. It's unfortunate. Same reason. Same reason. The population on mushrooms. We need to get this population on mushrooms. Hey, drugs are where I draw the line, Buster. Listen, I draw the line with drugs as well. I think that's the line.

Take drugs. Someone needs to fucking show you some shit. Joe, you've got to be an example to the kids, man. Listen, I'm not saying everybody should do drugs. What I'm saying is some people should do drugs. What needs to fucking show you some shit So you've got to be an example to the kids, man. Listen, I'm not saying everybody should do drugs. What I'm saying is some people should do drugs. What's your thought on this?

What's your thought on not only steroids and sports but the idea that technology is going to allow us to start doping our genes and all that stuff. What do we do about that? Myostatin inhibitors.

What are we going to do when that happens? I don't know. Your guy's got a super body. I'm going to be looking like I'll tell you who's going to be taking him. This guy.

You're going to look like Conad. That's right. You're going to grow your hair long. I'm going to be looking like, I'll tell you who's going to be taking him. This guy. You're going to look like Konad. That's right. You're going to grow your hair long. I'm going to get my armpit hairs fucking tattooed.

No, they're going to be able to clone hair. That's what I want. I want them to genetically engineer it. I want a horse tail. Just clone me a whole new scalp.

This shit's useless. Get me a horse tail. Get me a new one. This one's a mess. Upload your brain into somebody else's body. You think that's going to be able to be

possible? I think so. Merge brains maybe? I think we're going to have some luck and start deleting files, some crazy bitch. You let her in your brain into somebody else's body. You think that's going to be able to be possible? I think so. Merge brains, maybe? I think we're going to have someone run some muck and start deleting files, some crazy bitch. You let her in your brain. You delete your childhood. Fuck your childhood. I'm what matters.

I'm what matters. Flush, flush. They say they're going to be able to reverse engineer the brain. Learning how the brain deals. I believe that. And then you're going to be able to tap into somebody else's brain through a net. You'll have other experiences. Why wouldn't you be able to?

You'll be able to experience what somebody else's brain through a net. You'll have other experiences. Why wouldn't you be able to? You'll be able to experience what it's like to be somebody else. That's not nearly as crazy as it is to send a picture through the air to someone in Australia. Right. You can do that right now.

Isn't that crazy? It's beyond. It goes over the ocean. It's magic. It takes like 11 hours in a plane to go where that fucking picture goes in a couple of seconds.

Yeah, it's why people who aren't scientifically minded who don't believe in the scientific process and stuff always crack me up. Who? You benefit from that every day. Who doesn't believe in the scientific process and stuff, always crack me up. It's like, you benefit from that every day. Who doesn't believe in the scientific process? You hear about that stuff all the time. Talk about somebody... There's some people that think that science is arrogant because it doesn't consider

some things like astrology or psychic people. But there's no way to scientifically prove that astrology works. Right. Well, science can only prove something that happens over and over again, and you can measure it. I mean, that's what it's all about. But we benefit so greatly from that.

Yeah. And so to not apply it to everything. But it's both. I have to pee out of my pee hole. You can go right over there. Do that every time. Right in this direction. It's faster out of the bun.

A lot of cords around here. This is very unprofessional, ladies and gentlemen. We apologize. Brian, do you have a song that can take us through this moment? Well, how come? No, we don't have to play a song. Just go in there and pee, bro. We're going to come up with topics to talk about when you get back. Just make a pee-pee.

No, no song. We don't need any song. All right. So what would you have done if that guy stopped and ran after you? The guy that you chased after when he saw, for people who didn't hear earlier, Brian saw someone trying to steal someone's purse. The guy ran away, and Brian chased after the dude. The problem is I just wasn't fearful of him because he was an Indian.

I have no idea why. I mean, swear to God. You're going to have Indian dudes all over the country that want to beat your ass right now. I know, but I'm just – Russell Peters is going to throw a beating on you next time he sees you. Yeah, like Russell Peters mad at you. Would you be – I don't know.

Russell Peters, I bet he's got a good jab. I just think, even their movies, like their Hollywood movies that Indian people do, their main stars are ridiculous. Well, India has a bunch

of badass wrestlers. Do they? Yeah, India has a lot of badass wrestlers, yeah. There's a bunch of people that were working on the big giant skyscrapers in Dubai.

Right. And this was another Anthony Bourdain show. And while they're working, when they have days off, they wrestle in the park. And they, like, wrestle for money. And they're, like, these badass wrestlers. Like, it's not in their culture or something.

Or maybe I'm just so used to that video, that little superstar. There's Indian martial arts, especially wrestling, that goes back way a long time in their culture. Really? Yeah, absolutely. You know that video of that little Indian guy that's like a midget, though? That's pretty cool. The superstar?

Yeah. Little superstar? Let me see that. If you haven't seen that, who hasn't seen that? That's why I'm not seeing it. That's one thing. What does it have, a billion hits on it? How many hits does it have?

About 15 billion? 15 million? 15 million? That's just because it's only this copy of it. There's 100 million versions of it on YouTube. That's why I'm not scared of Indian guys. Like all these guys that are in this video right here, are you scared of any of these guys?

Well, Indian people are pretty peaceful considering there's a billion of them. It's like their culture's not violent. But they don't get along with those Pakistanis very well. Hold on. Did you shut off his volume? While he was getting up I guess you've never met any Sikhs

Yeah, he's trying to tell me that Indians aren't scary Indians would beat your ass, son Sikhs, first of all, are big people They're meteors Have you seen this video before? You haven't? No, but that's genius Wow, I thought everybody's seen this

Look at that little Look at this, they're all happy Indians You really have never seen this? That guy's 30,. Look at that little... Look at this, they're all happy in here, guys. That's a congenital horror. You really have never seen this? That guy's 30, by the way. Yes. Yeah. Look at this. And they give the kids cigarettes, too.

They give the kids cigarettes. Yeah. Awesome. Kids smoking is a very fucking strange thing, man. Especially that one kid. Did you see that? The two-year-old? Yeah.

So it's chimps. How have you never seen this video? I know. It's like the internet was made the same day as this video. Oh, my God. It's genius. And now he works as like a choreographer in India. Does he?

Yeah, I watched the show on him. He was like teaching people how to dance in this one movie or video or something like that. Was he a famous guy or something? Yeah, yeah. A little superstar. I think that's his name. He's not the same guy as the other guy that played like a detective in India? No, no.

That's another dude. I think that dude was from the Philippines. Oh, from the Philippines. It was a crazy show. See, in my head, they're all Indian. A little person who flies through the air and kicks dudes in the head and fucks them up. The internet, man. The internet exposes you to some shit that you would just...

When we were kids growing up, kids today, man, you'd be a 15-year-old boy today. What kind of shit are you getting into your brain? That's actually a worry, I think. Fuck it is. They're growing up the most difficult generation to grow up ever. Young kids today. And with some of the most ridiculous influences.

Like, when I was a kid, there was no Kardashians. There's no paris hilton there was no ridiculous people who were famous for doing nothing you know and and so much attention was paid to them and i'm not hating you know if you can get it good good for you man you know why not you do a reality show about your life and drive around it's just a form of voyeurism but oh yeah we you know we talked about it maybe possibly even being therapeutic but what i'm saying is we were never exposed to anything that ridiculous as a role model. We were never exposed to anything that strange where all these people are paying attention to it. I was listening to Nancy Grace talk about Paris Hilton. I had to stop my car.

And I'm sitting in my car shaking my head. Nancy Grace is mad because Paris Hilton was pulled over with cocaine. She is a repeat offender. And she is out on the streets. Would that be happening if it was you or I? It wasn't her purse, Joe. I heard it wasn't even cocaine. She thought it was candy.

She didn't even know when she threw it out the window. She can't buy her own purses. She has to borrow purses. Well, homeboy, her boyfriend was blowing weed out the window like a knucklehead. And a motorcycle cop. Who's her new boyfriend now? You are, Brian. You're going to move in and fix her.

Sure am. Listen, Paris, you're a good person. I like more than a skinny girl. You just need to connect yourself with the right crowd. In a few years, people will forget. She's bone thin, by the way. I don't find her attractive. Would you fuck her or Lindsay Lohan?

Lindsay Lohan in a heartbeat. She's got curves in a heartbeat. And she dirty it's my joke about parasol i'm trying to have sex with a girl at skinny's like trying to take a nap in a wooden chair there's no girls that are built that way that aren't dirty that girl's dirty she's built to fuck oh yeah i shouldn't say that because she's a very young girl and she's got troubles no she's not she's 24 now she's a young girl she has troubles brian growing up the creepy thing is when you see the photos of her when she was really young or video of her when she was like a Disney kid. It's like, wow, this is strange.

Like this kid really did grow up in front of the camera. Remember that she plays a twin and there's two of them? Fuck, man. Good luck with that. Good luck with that. That girl, man, that's a whole pot of problems. You're growing up in, imagine growing up in L.A. Is this being a reality?

Like, I mean. She was. Ricky Schroeder turned out well. Ricky Schroeder turned out awesome. That dude's fucking hilarious. Yeah, man, he turned out awesome. He's really got his shit together for a guy who grew up a child star.

I mean, it's very impressive. He's a really regular dude. He had an interesting way of putting it. He said he thought that he was a regular dude because he grew up famous. He doesn't have any point of reference. It's not like all of a sudden he became famous like wow i don't know how to handle this it was just what it was yeah and famous by the way means famous means you just get recognized a lot in airports and you know what i mean it means a lot more than that it means

people treat you different i'm saying as a person communicate with you yeah but you're your model of the world is gonna be all fucked up because you're going to start thinking that you're special. Because you're treated like a prince. Yeah. I mean, how many actors have you ever met on the sets? And we've talked about this,

how goddamn infuriating it is that these idiots think that what they have to say and what they have to do is so important because of the fact that there's a camera on them and because of the fact

that all these people are telling them how awesome they are because their job revolves around this person. So they start to believe it and then they start to act it out. And then you come along, and you have to meet this guy for the first time. And you're like, oh, this guy is in the swirling fucking death throes

of a three-year bizarre trip through ego. And now I'm meeting him four years in. He doesn't even know how crazy he's acting. He's yelling at the fucking staff and yelling at the director and doing cocaine before the scene. And there goes his career. I mean, come on, man.

How many dudes have you seen like going to that death spiral? I remember I did this show with this guy who's no longer around. He's such a nice guy but he was so high and he was doing so much blow

and he kept coming out of the trailer and we were trying to shoot the scene and he was playing a cop and he had the guy in the chair and the guy goes,

and the line was, what? You better enunciate. I can't hear you too clearly. That cop and he had the guy in the chair and the guy goes he ended line was what you better enunciate i can't hear you too clearly that's all he had to say and he was so high on coke he kept going what you better enunciate i can't hear you there's a cut it's enunciated what's that line yeah all right what you better enunciate and he he did it 16 times. And they had it finally like, why don't we move on? It's too high right now. That was it, man. That guy would have been something.

Nice guy. You know, when I met you, you were on MADtv. And that's also when I met Artie. Did you stay in touch with him? I do. I haven't talked to Artie in probably four years now. But I mean, I always would run into him and uh and in fact the other i always love seeing that guy you know he

said about me on stern like about a year ago my father called me up or two years ago the best guy i've ever seen with women i've never seen anybody better with women than brian count something like that i got i know i got 50 calls my dad's like, why is this guy saying you're a stud with women? What is it? He's a good dude, man. I would run into him like every couple of years somewhere. Like I ran into him at the Aspen Comedy Festival, I think, and I ran into him once in Vegas. He was a crazy great guy.

Crazy great. Just such a nice human being. He truly is a nice human being. And he's hilarious. He's just tortured. Yeah, just real tortured i mean i felt like almost like you know exposing all that and you know and talking about it all the time it became worse you know well what happened do you know what how he's doing now i don't know i don't know anything just you know i remember feeling really sad when i heard

that you know that he would that he could get to that place where he could do something i think it's always hard when when somebody suffers from that kind, that he would, that he could get to that place where he could do something like that. I think it's always hard when somebody suffers from that kind of, that level of despair. Yeah. And it must be really, really hard on, like, you know,

you're, like if you have a child who's that way and you can't do anything to help them. I ran into a dude who was friends with Artie, I don't know if it was,

it was his assistant at the time or someone who worked with him. And this dude, like, I guess he lived in the same apartment building as Artie, and he was talking to me about it just years and years ago, about how he really worried about Artie and he didn't know what to do

and he wanted other people to talk to him, but nobody knew what to say. It's a terrible feeling to have a friend. I've had many friends who had serious drug problems and got real depressed. My friend Johnny used to have heroin problems, coke problems, crack problems, everything.

My friend Johnny, he was a great guy. It's amazing how charming those people are. He was a street hustler, criminal, fucking pool hustler. If you told him that story

about the dude throwing the jacket over the purse, he'd be like, oh, that's a strong move. Strong move. Johnny was like this big, fat, funny Jackie Gleason type character who was like, you know. dude throwing the jacket over the purse he'd be like oh that's a strong move strong move johnny was like this big fat funny jackie gleason type character who was like you know how did he die some sort of an aneurysm drug related yeah or we we suspect drug related i mean he had like a real

problem he had a real problem for a long time he would go one to the other and yeah there's some drugs like like meth and blow it's like you never never like my friend was like nobody's ever said i had all these problems and i did a bunch of meth and it got a lot better that's never that's never how it's worked out he came out here to stay with me when i first got a tv show i was on uh when i was on hardball he came out here to stay with me to try to clean up he came out here for two weeks and for the first week he was trying to you know he didn't have any access to heroin. I don't know if he brought any with him or not, but it seemed like the first week he didn't have any access to it.

He just, all he would do is sleep. He just could not get up. I'm like, dude, you came to visit me, and you were just fucking sleeping. And then I sort of realized what's going on. I'm like, okay, you're kicking some shit right now. Is that what you're doing? You're kicking some shit, yeah. And, you know, and he didn't want to talk about it.

He'd be like, yo, I'm just not feeling that good. I don't know what's up. you know and he didn't want to talk about it he'd be like yo i'm just not feeling that good i don't know what's up you know he would like lie about it you know i'd be like dude you're you're fucking like death like do you need to go to a hospital no no i'm gonna be good i'm gonna be good you just need some soup or something maybe we got any soup and he would like have a cup of soup and go to sleep he did this for like seven eight nine days he stayed with me for a while and then finally he got i i flew him out here um because you know I wanted to see him and the plan was, I'd known him from back in the pool hall days and he's a

really good pool player. And we used to go on these gambling matches where I would take him to pool halls and I would match him up in games. It was a lot of fun. And it wasn't for a lot of money. We'd do it for like a hundred bucks or something like that. But it was just exciting. He had a chance to win a hundred bucks. I had a chance to watch some great pool action

between two dudes who were really nervous trying to win money. And we would set up games. And sometimes we would win money. It was a lot of fun. So the plan was, and I'm like, dude, I've been playing out here in California. There's a lot of guys who like to gamble. So you can get some good games. It'll be a lot of fun.

Let's do this. And I think there's a lot of guys you match up with. All right, I'm on my way. I'm on my way, bro. We're going to have a good time. And he got out here just the moment he landed he looked like a gray toilet paper roll I do a mess I don't know what he was doing I think it was heroin he was gray because I dated a girl the same thing she'd show up in New York and she

looked like gray and she'd sleep for four days I think that's a lot of things I know any about drugs though I didn't know that was going on I wasn't drug savvy I didn't know from heroin or iron deficiency people a lot of things. I didn't know anything about drugs, though. I didn't know what was going on. I wasn't drug savvy. I didn't know from heroin. So sad. Or iron deficiency people. A lot of prejudice. That's a lot of experience. The story about my friend Johnny, though, is he, after nine days, he finally came out of it. Like, seven, eight,

nine days, something like that. I slowly started coming out of it and I started taking him around. And we had a good time. It was like one of the last good times before he died. We took him into, there was a place called Players Billiards in the Valley. It was a 24-hour place. We were out there gambling until like 4 o'clock in the morning. You and I were eating at Chaya when the day you found out he died. Yeah.

We went out. Yeah. It was sad. He was a fascinating human being, man. I've met a lot of fascinating human beings, but every now and then there's a dude who's in the wrong place. You're like, what are you doing here? What's going on here? What the fuck? Like this super, super smart dude, like really smart. Like you could throw numbers at him.

Like 396 minus 7 divided by 4, 262. He would just bang it out, like literally that fast. Mathematical genius. Could play chess in his head. You could talk to him, and he could play chess like they do in prison. Knight to rook 5. He could do that. And he could play chess like they do in prison knight to rook five you know he could be he could do that and he barely played chess he was just like a mathematical genius the reason why he's so good at pool he was like mathematical like geometry and shit to him just what would like play itself out in his mind he would look at a pool

table and he could like see the geometry he could see all the angles he didn't have to break it down one to another he's like oh yeah i'm out i'm out. I'm out. I'll go here, do that, do that, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm out. He would just see it. But his only problem was the drugs. And his problem was he was kind of crazy, which is why he was so mathematically connected to things. And he played good music, too. He could play piano.

He could play a bunch of different instruments. Sounds like he's got Asperger's. Genius. No, but a regular social guy, fun to hang out with, told jokes, cracked jokes. It wasn't like he had autism or anything. He was very social. People like that, I'll take a colorful character like that with that kind of flavor over it. Are you kidding me, man?

Like my friend Joey Diaz. Those people make your life. He's the best. He's the best. Joey, what a character. Every time I run into that guy, whether it's an audition or in a club, I'm never disappointed. He's always inspiring. What are you doing, Tom Zan?

He's inspiring. He's funny. His stories, the way he walks, the way he talks, you just can't take your eyes off the guy. He's a monster. He's one of the funniest human beings I've ever met in my life. He just makes me feel like there's a party going on. You know, when Joey said, what's up, cocksuckers? What are we doing? Let's get this party started. And you're like, yep, the party just got started.

The party just got started. Joey's here. It really feels like something's going on now. Is he a girl? What's that? Yeah, he's married. Yeah, he's married, man. Yeah. My wife, Terry, is awesome.

She was a waitress at the comedy store. How is he doing? Is he doing the road? Oh, no, I'm sorry. She wasn't a waitress. She was an accountant. Is he a draw now on the road? He does well if he wants to.

If he wants to go on the road, people want to see him. Trying to get him to do that. But, you know, Joey wants to get an acting gig. He's working real hard at nailing it. I mean, he's a fucking hilarious actor. So he was in The Longest Yard and stuff like that. He wants to get more. I think he would like a good TV show.

He'd be fucking incredible. I think Voice of a Cartoon would be amazing. That would be good, too. But he would be incredible on a sitcom. Joey could crush a sitcom. Yeah, I agree. Are you kidding? That character?

Or a drama, even. As a funny guy and like a fucking. No doubt. Like a. No doubt. You know, like a. Like an informant. Like The Shield, like one of those kind of shows. He could be genius on that.

Yeah, you know, there's a lot of characters like that that you run into in life. You know, Joey has his shit together a million times more than Johnny did. I mean, Johnny was homeless most of the time I knew him. And, you know, he was sleeping in pool rooms and, you know, and just gambling and, you know, and trying to win money.

You know, you see people like that sometimes and, you know, you go, it's not going to be a happy ending. You always kind of know. Well, you know, he just, you know,

he had an imbalance. There was some imbalance and he self-medicated, you know, but I got to see, like, genius because of all his crazy flaws. It's like we were talking

about that Robert E. Howard guy. That Robert E. Howard guy was so fucked up that he had to kill himself when he was like 30-something years old. But yet he was so brilliant. And so he had so much creativity. Wrote all this really fascinating shit like in the 1950s, right? There's people like that, right? It's like Stephen King was talking about how he doesn't remember writing Cujo. He doesn't remember writing the book because he was so

drunk so fucked up yeah and and he said you know um then his wife came in and she started putting all these beer cans in a bag and he looked around and he goes um geez man i drank a lot of beer over the over the past you know month she goes that was yesterday, dude. Yeah! You've been drinking in the past two days, or whatever it was. He would just black the fuck out. He'd just keep drinking. She goes, you drank this in two days. It was a month's worth of beer.

Literally, she was going, filling garbage bags full of beer cans. Whoa. He said, I happen to have been a really, really imaginative writer who had a substance abuse problem. So do you think that his like dealing with his substance abuse problem and then all the torture and, you know, of being an alcoholic and doing coke and all this turmoil in his head created all that horror? He would say no. Like his own battles?

He, in his book on writing, said no. Right, but. What he said was that, in that in fact regardless if he had been sober he would have had the same imaginative mind i believe that is not true this is why i believe that's not true i think i've learned a lot about writing um over the the past you know a few years of trying to write comedy and you know 20 20 plus years of writing, doing comedy. And one of the things that I give credit to substances. I think substances have a dramatic effect on your creativity.

You can't say that you would have come up with that on your own. Well, caffeine for sure for me has a good effect. Stimulant effect. But Nick Kent, who is a rock journalist, wrote a book called The Dark Stuff that I read a while ago about rock and rollers and he was he followed the Pogues and Lou Reed and the Stones and Zeppelin everybody and he wrote a book which actually said that most of those guys and there's been a lot of like there's some strong evidence to suggest that some drugs yes other drugs dull you and heroin okay definitely killed a lot of creative people. This is my point why you can't say that.

First of all, because you wrote all this stuff when he was fucked up. That's why you can't say that he would have written it anyway. You cannot say that. You cannot say when you wrote something and you were fucked up, you cannot say you would have written it anyway. That doesn't make any sense. But I wonder if they got there, they got to that level. It changes the way you think.

The alcohol changes the way you think. Caffeine changes the way you think. Cocaine for sure changes the way you think. It's going to increase paranoia. It's going to make you... I mean, you think about his most thrilling, horror-filled, psychotic shit was all from the time he was using. Well, yeah, but I mean... I mean, it was, right?

Nick Kent said that a lot of these guys got into drugs because a lot of their heroes were drug addicts, like the Blues Art guys. Yeah, sure. And he said a lot of those guys ended up... And Stanley Crouch said the same thing. He goes, a lot of these guys were subscribing to their heroes' lifestyles. And you can actually see a fairly precipitous drop-off on their productivity, not when it came to weed.

But heroin. Heroin. And cocaine. I absolutely agree. What happens is they become so all-consuming that you end up doing that and not your work. Yes. I absolutely agree that there – What happens is they become so all-consuming that you end up doing that and not your work. Yes. I absolutely agree that there's a detrimental effect, especially with the ones like opiates and stuff that crushes your body very, very badly.

Because I think you get into that more than you get into anything else. I definitely agree. But I also think that we have to acknowledge that they're changing the way people think. The paths that you take in your creativity, they change the direction. They change the enthusiasm behind things. They change the aggression behind things. They change the aggression behind things. And those change the road you go down when you're creating things. And not only that, as we learn more about our genomes

and how different we are genetically, drugs have a vastly different effect on one person versus another too. Yeah, it's very important because I've talked to people about pot, even the kind of pot that I smoke, like the figure out the universe, watch documentaries pot. That sat know sativa is over the indica's rather some people will smoke a sativa and they're describing a completely different thing and they have a completely different effect does it affect your mind more than yes yes well it affects your body too you know it's still all of them make sex feel better baths feel better showers feel better all of them

do that it makes you more sensitive the rewards for massages and stuff like i never get massaged unless i get high first except today because i knew it was going to be a dude rubbing me i was just gonna say yeah what if it was a guy because i'm gonna be stoned with you don't want to be moaning i had to go moaning when a dude is i hurt my back last week in jujitsu and like a retard yesterday i got adjusted and then i tried to roll last night and like halfway into the class my back just fucking completely gave out where i couldn't stop anybody from passing my guard i couldn't explode i couldn't move it was like just a constant pain i was like okay i'm hurting myself here i gotta stop so i knew that i had to go and get some deep tissue to break up the scar tissue and shit it's painful as fuck why do you

have a guy though because you have to get a dude to do it first of all they're sports dudes this isn't like you don't go to a spa go to a sports medicine center and they hurt you bro it fucking hurts it's like there's this guy today was not as bad as the last guy I went to

the last guy I went to I literally almost tapped out the doctor Dr. Spag who's the main chiropractor there he told me he actually fainted this guy hurt him so bad that he fainted

this mother is just he's just breaking down your world with his elbow. He's just digging into all your injuries and it's breaking up the scar tissue, literally tearing it open so that it can breathe and get circulation in there.

Lasers for that. They don't though. You have to take the pain. I went to Brooks Massage. It's on Beverly. I go in there and this Russian dude is like, please, please come here. I'm like Brooks Massage. It's on Beverly. And I go in there, and this Russian dude is there. He's like, please, please, you come here.

And I'm like, oh, good. And I get on the slab, and I come out a new woman, right? Because he's hitting me literally. And he was this bear of a man going. And I was like, oh. And I felt like such a girl, such a girl. I literally grew bitch tits. I had estrogen running through my body.

I was like this guy. Anyway, so it was great. So I go, I look at him. I'm looking at him. I literally grew bitch tits. I had estrogen running through my body. I was like this guy. Anyway, it was great. So I go, I look at him. I'm looking at him. I look at his body. I go, were you a sports guy? He goes, yes. I go, did you do any kind of fighting?

Yes, I was judo. I go, judo. I go, did you compete? He goes, yes, everywhere. I have one gold medal from sydney i go you were a gold medal olympic gold medal judo guy in sydney yes i go that must have been a lot this guy massaged me for 65 bucks i go that must have been a lot of training and stuff yes did you lift a lot no just judo that's all he wouldn't give me anything i was like but dude you're a gold medalist in judo it's incredible i know i'm a grappler i know grappling

nothing he was like yeah i had a i got this uh deep tissue massage from this guy who's an expert in sports related therapy for like muscle injuries and stuff like that so he does a lot of range of motion things and a lot of resistance things yeah okay so we had gone through this whole it's like a half an hour massage of death right so we've gotten to the end and this is what he asked me in the end he says i want you to get on your get on your knees okay get in like a cat position right here with your um with your forearms like this puts a fast lane in your ass this position and just hold hold yourself in that position and i'm gonna work your back and this is what i want you to do i want you to go down okay and then as you're resisting you know go up okay so he says this right and he's

gonna do this with his elbow this is where he's really gonna jack me so as he's got me in this position he goes really into that mma you know it feels like around maybe 35 years ago I probably got into it myself probably even competed and he's He's got me on my hands and knees here and he's telling me that he would and he's bigger than me He's a big old dude. He's a big old bear between And it hurts like a motherfucker and he's getting me with this elbow Kurt's like a motherfucker, and he's getting me with his elbow. Just, maybe I would have competed.

Maybe I would have got in there. Yeah, and he hates you. He hates you. Maybe I'd take your back right now. I'd have to fucking massage you, you punk, and I'm younger than you, or I'm older than you. Girl only. I'm rubbing your back. Girl only for massages. He was a nut.

Listen, no, no, no, no, no. I'm making light of it, but he's a very important guy to know if you have muscle injuries. Those guys, they'll fix you up, man. Really? Yeah, because you get a knot when you get an injury, any tear, you get inflammation, you get tears, and those tears knot you up. And if you get an injury and you don't have it broken down

and busted open like that, it's not going to heal right. You're going to lose range of motion. You're going to tighten up. They have lasers that break down that. No, they don't. Do they massage the actual? They do. No, nothing works like this.

You have to get in there physically. You have to feel it. You have to know where it is, and you have to break that shit up. So they actually they massage the actual... They do. No, nothing works like this. You have to get in there physically. You have to feel it. You have to know where it is, and you have to break that shit up. So they actually get on the actual... Oh, yeah. They hurt you, son. They hurt you.

They dig in. There's a guy I went to before. This guy was not as painful as the last guy I went to. But the last guy I went to fucking would get on... He was a strong yoga guy. This guy does power yoga and shit. He's strong as fuck. And he would get on top

of you with your elbow with his elbow rather and just drive it into your spine like right where that injury is because i got this knot of scar tissue right next to my spine and he's breaking it i can feel it fucking tearing it's so intense it's so necessary but so hard to take you just want to run out of the room screaming you want want to go, I can't take it. Oh, yeah. Right after it's over, you're like, thank you. I did prolotherapy on my neck. Have you ever done that? Yeah, I've done that on my wrist. I've done it on my both knees. I did it on my neck, and it worked.

I've been doing this. Tell people what that is. Prolotherapy is where they take dextrose, and they shoot it in your muscle. The reason they shoot dextrose with lidocaine, but they'll shoot dextrose in. Dextrose is basically a sugar water. But when it coats the muscle, the body rushes healing agents to it because it views it as a foreign agent. So what it'll do is it'll actually inflame the area and create and rush healing agents to it.

It makes ligaments like 40% stronger. It makes your ligaments stronger. And muscles. Up to 40% stronger, which is incredible. It heals them. Yeah, it heals them. I had it done. I've had wrist problems.

I broke my wrist a long time ago. Kickboxing in like 1989. I never did anything about it. I just dealt with it. And every now and then from jujitsu, it'll start really hurting. It used to hurt when I played Quake, when I'd move it around too much with a mouse. I'd get like this pain.

Well, you'd play it for 15 hours like you do. I think I tore a ligament in there or something. There's something wrong. It clicks a lot and shit. There's something really wrong with it. But I had them do that in there, and then I had them do it in my knee. It makes a difference.

My lower back has always been, it always tightens up no matter what I do. Well, you got to work on your flexibility, son. Yeah, I do. That's one of the most important things, man. Working on your flexibility, so important. I do every day, actually. It's really important.

You got to see my garage, man. You haven't even seen my garage. Oh, you don't even know, son. All right, let's wrap this show up because we've been doing this for like six hours now, right? Yeah, man. Brian, how long have we been doing this?

Two hours and 20 minutes. I wish we'd end on a bang. Bang! Got a good story? I wish I could sing. I'll have one next week. Did I tell you my story when I was on a date up in this area?

Were you on a date with a Brazilian jiu-jitsu instructor? No, with the girl where I had to poo now. I had to poo right now. In the woods? You ever been in the woods on a trail with a girl? You want to get laid? You want to bang on a rock and you have to shit now? Oh, my God.

And you know what I did? I'm talking to her and I go, I have to shit now. In fact, I'm shitting now. I ran away from her. I ran away from her up the trail and i fucking hid and i was like i literally ran and i was like and i got around and i was like let me just shut and i'm shitting and i'm like and i'm like how the fuck she's coming she goes so she goes what are you doing you trying to scare me and i go and i go yeah i yank my shoulder. I start kicking dust over. And I go like this. But then I don't want her to look down.

So I go, hey! And she goes, what are you doing? I'm like, hey! Like that. Meanwhile, we're walking. I go, holy shit, thank God. That was the worst thing. I can't believe that.

I got a parasite. Did you wipe your ass at all? I got a parasite. Wipe my ass. I didn't have time to do anything. I look at her and I go, oh, God, guess what? I have to shit now again. I'm shitting now.

But after you shat, before you pulled your pants up, you just pulled your pants up. This happened three times. It happened three times. Three times on the same day? Same day. I literally go, I go, holy shit, thank God we got over that. And then I go like this. I go, anyway, I'm like, I'm talking to you and i'm shitting again i go like the third time i don't i don't get all the way around

and i go and you hear just my ass my my legs are full of shit i go i take dirt into banging and i wipe it on my ass because i heard that's what they did in the desert. So I'm trying to get off. She stops and she goes, I hear, I hear, are you sick? And I go, oh, yeah. So now we got to go back down the trail.

You smell like shit. Not only do I smell like shit, we have to go back down the trail and we have to go through the minefield. So she now sees the shit that I was kicking down. I'm like, hey, hey, look up here. Is that a chiton? Oh, look, look, an eagle. Oh, kicking down. I'm like, hey, look up here. Is that a kite? Oh, look, look.

An eagle. An eagle. I'm fucking seeing it. I'm lying about birds in the air. And I fucking have to blow it out. Now. How bad did you smell? How bad did I smell?

I'm afraid you didn't have back track. We had to fucking, I had to take a sink shit shower. Had to fucking bathroom down there. I'm trying to get my ass, you ever try to get your ass in a sink? One of those old fashioned things? You can't do it. Was it a public bathroom? Of course it was a public bathroom. I'm trying to get my ass in. You ever try to get your ass in a sink, one of those old-fashioned things? You can't do it. Was it a public bathroom? Of course it was a public bathroom.

How many people could get in there? Was it one that you could knock yourself? No, no, thank God in Topanga Canyon there are individual ones. I wouldn't have cared. That shit was coming off my ass no matter what, dude. I don't care. So now I sink clean. I sink clean my crack.

We're sitting in the car, and I have to drive from Topanga Canyon all the way up to Gower in Los Feliz. I'm like, anyway, that was fun. Just call me the poo-poo guy. No laughter. Never talked to her again, did you? She saw me in a coffee shop a year later and ran the fuck out. She never returned my phone call. I called her twice.

She was like, fuck that. You're the shit guy. You're disgusting. Oh, my God. You can't have explosive diarrhea and get laid. You got to just write that one off, dude. That ain't going to happen. Wow.

Explosive. But here's the reality. If it was her, you would still fuck her. Of course I would. With the shit on. Take a shower. You don't even have to take a shower. Just wipe well.

Fuck it. I'm horny. Use the shit as lubrication. Whatever. You got a towel?. Just wipe well. Fuck it. I'm horny. He's the shit of lubrication. Whatever. You got a towel? You got a towel? Fuck it. You got a fucking clothespin?

I'm not a pussy. I'll put a clothespin up my nose and kill that shit. You got herpes? Oh, I'm fucking out. I'll wear a condom. Roll the dice. You got basil. Ladies and gentlemen.

Fleshlight. Thank you very much for tuning in again. Thank you everybody from Boston. We had a fucking awesome time. And that was, I think, the craziest round of applause I've ever gotten ever at a comedy club. From the Wilbur Theater. That was cool to be home. Growing up in Boston and doing that show there was a lot of fun.

The UFC there was a lot of fun too. Bunch of fucking psychos in the audience. Thank you very much to the fleshlight for sponsoring our show thank you very much brian callen um what is your twitter just b-r-y-a-n c-a-l-l-e-n brian callen that's his twitter yeah man hey if you guys are up north i'm gonna be up in san jose september 23rd to the 26th um up at the rooster tea feathers so come out man is that a comedy club yeah where's that feathers it's in Jose San Jose Rooster Teeth Feathers and what is the date again

it's September 23rd and the 26th to the 26th their information information is at briancallan.com yeah and then I'll be in Louisville Kentucky

October 7th to the 11th and that's b-r-y b-r-y-a-n dot com not the cool way b-r-y-a-n-c-a-l-l-e-n dot com yeah

b-r-y-a-n-c-a-l-l-e-n not the cool way to spell it Brian spells it the cool way. Yeah. With an I. With an I like a man. Well, he's not into himself, man. He's a yes man.

He's into yes. He's into positivity. That's right. That's right. That's the Scottish way of saying it. We had a fun time, as always. Thank you very much for tuning in. We really appreciate it.

Tomorrow, we will have another podcast. This time, 2 p.m. And, of course, iTunes will be on the next day. And it will be Joey Diaz and Eddie Bravo, and we're going to break down UFC 118 and have a good time. So thank you very much for coming in. I really appreciate you coming in. Where'd you go?

Whatever, tuning in? Tuning in. Whatever you're doing here. Locking in. Whatever we're doing here. Thanks a lot. Appreciate it. Love you guys.

Bye.