The Joe Rogan Experience - #382 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: August 8, 2013

Greg Fitzsimmons is an American stand-up comedian. He also hosts his own podcast "FitzDog Radio" available on Spotify.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! Sweet, sweet Greg Fitzsimmons, you beautiful savage, you. Always good to see you, my friend. What a hang this is gonna be, baby. Kicking back, got some Girl Scout cookies and your special coffee, what's it called? It's called Bulletproof Coffee.

Oh man, that goes down smooth. It's a Dave Asprey creation. He invented creating coffee with grass-fed butter and MCT oil. It's medium triglyceride oil. It gives you a caffeine high and it's a lip balm. Yeah. It keeps you greasy. The idea with it is that because it has the caffeine blended in with the butter and the MCT oil, that it's more of a slow release effect. Right. Takes your body a while to digest it as opposed to like coffee just go right in your bloodstream. And you don't get the crash with this as much. Exactly. Exactly.

Is that how they do medicinal marijuana stuff is in the butter right yes yes i do not know the i've never made anything and never cooked anything i don't know the process but i know there's something involved cooking it to to activate the thc in an edible form i think though that you can get high with it and if you just eat if you just eat it on its own yeah but i think you have to eat an assload of it. I think it's no joke. Right. You have to like have salads. Right. You know, then maybe you can catch like a little bit of a buzz. That's

the new wheat, man. Yeah. Cannabis salads. Did you hear about Sanjay Gupta on CNN? Right. Fucking incredible. I mean, first of all, props to CNN for airing this. And this guy for coming out with this. This is an incredibly controversial stance.

This guy, Sanjay Gupta, he went and over the last year he was working on a documentary called Weed. And before he started this project, he thought that marijuana was bad for you. He thought marijuana was addictive. He thought that marijuana was bad for you. He thought marijuana was addictive. He thought that marijuana was something that should be avoided. And at the end of this project, he's writing this story apologizing. He says, I apologize because I didn't look hard enough until now. I didn't look far enough. I didn't review papers from smaller labs in other countries doing some remarkable research.

smaller labs in other countries doing some remarkable research, and I was too dismissive of the loud chorus of legitimate patients whose symptoms improved on cannabis. Instead, I lumped them in with the high-visibility maligners. Is that how you say that? Maligners. Maligners. Just looking to get high. I mistakenly believe the Drug Enforcement Agency listed marijuana

as a Schedule I substance because of sound scientific proof. Surely they must have quality reasoning as to why marijuana is in the category of the most dangerous drugs that have no accepted medical use and use a high potential for abuse. So he wrote this long article. I want to keep reading it. And he also admitted he was wrong. As a doctor to go on camera and say I was wrong? I wonder, though. This almost makes me wonder.

It almost seems like some sort of a shift in policy. Because the reality of CNN and MSNBC and Fox News, these are giant companies. They're huge companies. They don't just say things. They don't just say whatever the fuck they want to say. None of that gets done. It has to go through a bunch of people and they have to decide, are we doing this? What are we doing? Are we going to print this?

Is this going to piss off Ted Turner? Who's going to get upset by this? Is this going to cost anybody money? Are we okay with this? Should we move in this direction? And then they print a story like this. Because I just got to think that something as big as CNN, they could have said, this should we should we move in this direction and then they print a story like this because i just got to think that something as big as cnn like they could have said like maybe in the 80s if you tried to print the story they would have been like bitch get the fuck out of here we're

not putting this on the air well especially because nancy reagan had just declared the war on drugs yes exactly the just say no era that's when you and I started doing comedy. It was like, what a beautiful, like, kickstart everybody had to their act. Right. There was always a drug war joke because it was so preposterous.

Kitty Dukakis drinking, rubbing alcohol and war on drugs. Nobody remembers that story. That was when Mike Dukakis

was running for president and he was, he had done a, he had a couple of blunders, the tank thing. The tank thing, heard him. He got in a of blunders, the tank thing. The tank thing hurt him. He got in a tank and put a soldier's outfit on it

and let them take pictures of him. And everybody was like, what the fuck are you doing? Because he was the wimpiest human being. He was worse than Ross Perot. Yeah, they wanted to improve his image as a leader. He looked like a snail. Like this little wrinkly neck sticking out. It was like pale white face.

And he was one of those guys. He's like Ralph Nader in that he doesn't give a fuck that his suit isn't from Brooks Brothers and Well Tailors. He's like, asshole, you're running for president. You actually have to take the time to get a decent suit. There's the picture. Oh my god, look at him. Look at that shit. Who told you to do that? He's got like a full helmet on

and shit. What does he do now? I haven't heard anything about him in a long time. He's probably a professor. It's a good question. Oh my god, can you imagine if that was your teacher in school? Well, he's obviously a brilliant man. You know, I think the idea of running for president, it must be so fucking incredibly stressful.

I mean, that you see a woman just completely lose it and start drinking rubbing alcohol. I mean, she needs to get tanked up so bad, and there's nothing in the house. She's drinking aftershave. Betty Ford. Fuck, man. They were all drunks. Imagine the pressure of the White House.

Just wrap your head around the pressure of making all the decisions, the pressure of being the guy everywhere you go, this fucking security everywhere around you, bulletproof cars and getting on jets and flying to other countries, everywhere around you, bulletproof cars and getting on jets and flying to other countries. And you're like the center of the representation of the conflict in the world. Like, fuck. Not only that, people were talking about like those fishermen that go out in Alaska and it's the most dangerous job. How about this?

How about this statistic? I looked this up. I counted. Maybe I counted wrong, but I think 10% of presidents have been killed in office or died in office. Oh, my God. So what other job would have a 10% chance of you dying in four years? Not in the life of the job. God. So, you know, you got that hanging over your head.

The two best ones ever assassinated. Right. Lincoln, Kennedy. I two best ones ever assassinated. Right. Lincoln, Kennedy. I mean, those are the heroes. Those are the James Deans of presidents. Right. You know, if you look back at, like, who's the bad motherfucker? Those are the guys that got killed in office.

Yeah, yeah. Those are the ones we miss. Those are the ones that they thought was the one. They were going to do it. They were going to fix it. Well, and on the other side, Reagan was that guy, and they tried to kill him. Well, Reagan was a totally different animal. You know?

It's interesting how Reagan, like, over time, has become, like, something that's much more acceptable to like. Absolutely. Well, time always whitewashes. I mean, Henry Kissinger, the guy is, he can't leave the country because he would be arrested as a war criminal in, I forget how many countries it is.

But this motherfucker, Kissinger ordered illegal bombings in Cambodia. You know, he, I mean, you're talking about genocide. If you are, if you are flat out bombing, carpet bombing a population that you're not at war with, that's a fucking war crime. And now, I just saw him on Colbert last night. They did a sketch with Kissinger and it's like, no! It's not funny.

It's not okay. He's a fucked up human being. Wow, I had no idea that he'd done that. I don't have any knowledge of 1970s politics. I know almost nothing. I know a little bit about the campaign that Hunter Thompson covered for fear and loathing on the campaign trail. Oh, right.

Which was great. Yeah. It's about my extent. My knowledge of 1970s politics. Yeah. I've never looked into it that much, unfortunately. 1970s period is, I must have been molested because I got nothing on those 10 years. Well, we were kids, you know.

We were about the same age. Yeah. I'm 45. 47. I'll be 46 soon. Yeah. Both of you getting fucked in the ass by a neighbor. Right.

You know. We blacked it out. Is that what you're saying? We blacked it out. Is that what you're saying? Maybe. No. I think disco fucked me in the ass, so I just blocked out the 70s.

Did you remember when you were really young, going to dance clubs and trying to meet girls? The Palace in Revere. Oh, my God. Wasn't that your place? Well, it was everybody's place. If somebody wanted to go somewhere and try to meet a girl. Yeah. But those were so ridiculous.

I only went a couple times to those places with my friends and I always remember being like what the fuck are we doing like this kind of a crazy way to meet human beings is this did you ever try country that was even worse where you like go like wait you're supposed to square dance no dude do you remember the time we went to North Carolina were you with me at Charlie Good Nights we we went next door to that bar there's a bar and they are all singing along to a song you never fucking heard in your life

got my dog in the porch in the house and they're singing this shit and they're going all round they're dancing together is it that step dancing that they all did together it wasn't that they did that they definitely did that too

but this was another thing this is just a song that Brian and I never fucking heard of but apparently it sold like a hundred million you know albums in the south

so we're in the south and this is like it comes on they're like woo it was like I'm like we're in another country

like when you're going to like a place where there are country fans, that is a whole other country. That's the people who know who won NASCAR. Did you hear Dale did it again? Did you hear he did it again?

And then there's fucking everybody that lives in that area. I mean, that's a different part of the world. There's songs that they love that you have never fucking heard of. And they'll be like like you ain't heard of clint friven no clint friven clint friven sold 14 million albums right you're like what who the fuck is clint friven you realize like pearl jam sold 1 million and they are just as ridiculous as like uber goth guys because you know how like uber goth guys they're like wearing like black makeup and you know they're like really like completely like posing and this bizarre thing goth guys. They're wearing black makeup. They're really completely posing

in this bizarre thing that they're doing. What are you doing with a fucking cowboy hat, shithead? With a turquoise belt buckle and slippery ass boots. Those things are dumb. What century are you living in? What are you doing here? It's like people that maybe they love Halloween

and they want to go around all year. I'm a cowboy. Got my dog on the porch. What if the music doesn't even sell that well? It's just that they're so dumb they keep on losing their CDs. They have to keep on buying them over and over. Well, look, as far as outfits go, cowboy is a cool-ass outfit. That's one thing I have to admit.

Like, if you're dressing up like a cowboy, if you're a dude and you got the balls to rock cowboy boots and a Stetson. And tight-ass jeans. Even if they're not, or not, you balls to rock cowboy boots and a Stetson and you're going out jeans but even or not or not you know that is a ballsy move right that's a ballsy look to commit to in the year 2013 I see guys but why not I you know I'm not hating I just want to be clear about that I'm not hating if that's how you like to dress why not why not well look at me I'm almost 50 I dress like a 15 year old always have I 50. I dress like a 15-year-old. Always have. I dress like a junior varsity coach.

I wear fucking... Junior varsity coach. He has sweatpants. Yeah, you get to a certain point, you're like, that's what's comfortable. That's the most comfortable thing. And then I think about people that... You think about the possibilities in your wardrobe. They are limitless. A woman could dress up as

Queen Elizabeth every day. As a guy, yeah, these goth guys, they go, fuck it. I'm painting my nails, the whole thing. I'm going to grow my pinky nail really long. And you just fucking... And it's like, you can blow people away

with that shit, but I don't... It's like the last thought in my head is to even make an impression with my clothing. I want it to be a zero. But you should wear a whistle. That would be funny. Why not? Why not? That would be hilarious.

Why not? Just wear a whistle. Are you the coach? Nope. Not the coach. You want to get somebody's attention. That's great. You're buying me a fucking whistle for my birthday.

Can you imagine if dudes just started wearing whistles? It became the new cross. Like a cool whistle. I always got a cool whistle on. Look, it easily could be. Like you have a whistle and you're like, that could be the thing in clubs. Like, oh, you see how good he whistles?

Yeah, it could be like a mating thing. Yes, we would be like birds chirping at each other. It's the rape whistle. With strange whistles. That is a rape culture whistle. It's the opposite. It's the mating call whistle. It's when she wants you to stop.

Lure people in with a dance of noise. If we can make cool noises like a whistle with our mouths, I guess some people probably can. There's dudes like Michael Winslow type dudes that can make strange things. I can do a water drop. Isn't it funny, though, that that's such a valued skill? That's pretty good.

You guys are fucking 12 years old. Look at that. That's what men do, ladies. There you go. That's what men do, ladies. There you go. That's what men do if you leave them alone. Leave them alone long enough. They fucking sit in front of each other making stupid noises. And then they buy whistles.

Isn't it funny that making cool sounds with your mouth is a valued thing? Hell yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's why singers are so valued. When someone is a really good singer you're like whoa you know it makes you like step back like holy shit like Peter Frampton doing that weird wow like that was the biggest fucking thing we thought that was the coolest and now you look back here like what was that wax paper and a comb well that was when he had that thing that he put in his mouth. Yeah. You remember? He put, what was that?

What's one of those things called? What? Talk box. Yeah. Yeah, whatever that thing is that rappers use all the time now. The auto-tuner. Yeah. Like, little Wayne eats through that thing. Right. He eats all his food through that thing. He uses it all the time.

But, like, Peter Frampton, when he was doing it, I guess it was like, was it the 80s or 70s? It must be the 70s. It was 79, I'm guessing. I wish we could play some of that. Google it up. That song, Do You Feel Like I Do? Oh, my God.

Do you feel? Yeah. It was one of the first times anybody had ever done that, and people were going nuts. Yeah. They were going nuts. Right. It was mind-boggling. I just remember when I had a picture of a rock star, just that line he had, woke up

this morning with a wine glass in my hand. Who's wine? What's wine? Where the hell did I dine? That's all we wanted. We wanted to become that guy who's in a penthouse suite with a wine glass in his hand. Let's do it again. Yeah.

Do you, do. It's a great song. Great fucking song. That was one song that defined that guy. Yeah. Like, if you think of Peter Frampton, that is the song you think of, like, right away. Cheap trick.

I want you to want me live at Budokan. What's crazy about Peter Frampton is that Peter Frampton was a guy who got famous because of his live shows. Is that right? Yeah. His live show was so fantastic. He was such a showman that to really appreciate his brilliance, you had to see him rock a crowd.

Right. And so when he does Do You Feel Like I Do in front of a crowd, and he's got 20,000 people tuned in to him singing along with him, it is some fucking magical shit and that's and he looks 17 while he's doing it beautiful he's a beautiful man and because he was like one of the first guys to put out like a live album like that and that that was like one of his first his big success right was the live album that was really rare right usually people got a studio album and then maybe i think kiss was one of the first guys that said fuck it let people got a studio album and then maybe I think Kiss was one

of the first guys that said fuck it let's do a live one Kiss Alive because they knew how to rock a show yeah like their shows were wild but Peter Frampton that do you feel like I do when he's got full control of that crowd and they're singing along with them that is fucking magic that's a magic moment can you play a little bit of that. He had that Jim Morrison mystique where he was like, you wanted to follow him into this world. Yeah. He was a bad motherfucker. And he was a rock star in the mysterious days. Right.

It was a completely different world back then. They didn't have Twitter where they said stupid shit and then had to delete it. That didn't exist. Right. These stupid shit and then had to delete it. That didn't exist. These were wild dudes and they had no accountability. It was like, did you see Almost Famous? Yes. That was kind of like that. I think in the movie, they're supposed to be following the Allman Brothers,

but he said it was a mixture of a few different bands, but it was from that exact time. That's the Leonard Skinner era. Right. I mean, those were wild motherfuckers, man. Right. In my opinion, the greatest guitar solo the world has ever known is Freebird. Yes.

Freebird Live. Have you ever seen the one? It's Freebird Live, and they're jamming in front of, it's a football arena. Right. So I don't know, what is that, 100,000 people? Yeah. And they are dirty white guys from Florida, and they're perfect. They're perfect.

Every note is perfect. Every fucking string is hit on the right time. The fucking, just the magical impact of that music. It's just confident. It's guys that have played to you. Like the Allman Brothers. These are the post-death. You got to go and get the early shit.

Most underrated band by mainstream rock fans. Skinnered? Yeah. Fuck band. People have heard Sweet Home Alabama too many times. That's the problem. Yeah. We've heard it so many times.

You're like, oh, get this off the air. No, no, no. You need to step back and with fresh eyes, listen to Sweet Home Alabama, because that is a fucking beautiful song. For a simple man. Yeah. Beautiful ballad. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

Telling your son how to grow up. And one of my favorite things about Skinner is that they were ugly as fuck. And almost every song was about getting away from women. I gotta go. Every song is they call me the breeze. Right. I gotta go. Every song is, they call me the breeze. Right.

I gotta go. I'll see ya. I need to be free. Right. I can't change. Give me three steps to get the fuck out of here. Every fucking song

was like, I gotta get out of here. See ya. Take care. Right. You know, and they even made songs about their friends

trying to get them to settle down. Well, it was classic blues. Ugly, getting away from women, being at the crossroads, and a lot of it is about the devil. There's just so many knuckleheads that love Skinner. That's the problem. That's the problem.

The problem is they died young, okay? And you have an issue when you have so many knuckleheads like a band. You can get delusional. Oh, that's for knuckleheads. No, no, no, no, it's not. Like the Grateful Dead. I actually like the Grateful Dead. The Grateful Dead don't do it for me.

Their fans are a buzzkill. My cousin followed them around for, like, years, like was a deadhead. She? Yeah, her and her boyfriend would, like, sell food. I was just going to say, they always have, like, a little business that keeps them going. Yeah. Her and her boyfriend would sell food. I was just going to say, they always have a little business that keeps them going. Yeah, and just go from show to show.

I guess they were just enjoying that community. It must be very strange to be an outlaw like that, just a rebel from society, going from concert to concert with a little tiny mini ecosystem of selling scrambled eggs out of the back of your car, meeting with all these people, and all fucking tripping together. And always trying to get a ticket.

They would have signs up, I need a miracle. Oh, wow. That was the sign that you were a real deadhead, not just some douche. I need a miracle. And then they'd get them and it was just like living from vegan tofu patty, just making enough to get that fucking ticket. It's so weird, but I get it. I get it. I totally get it.

You know what I get? I get there's a lot of people doing it, and it looks like fun. I get that it's like, well, this is like an ecosystem. This is like a little community that you can link up to, and these guys actually like it. It's like everybody's happy, and they all meet together, and they perform

these four fucking hour shows and everyone's on acid. The dancing, I mean, I'm telling you, Springsteen is a fucking experience live. I heard you two is,

but a Grateful Dead concert. I mean, first of all, you're tripping. Every single person is dancing. Not bouncing back and forth, fucking doing the backstroke and looking at the sky like that is really intense to be surrounded by

that for four hours so is that what it's all about yeah it's this letting go into this energy is it a is it a show that requires drugs yes it does. Yeah. And is it a show that you don't understand until you do it with drugs? And then you understand it 100%. Like, you ever... The worst feeling in the world... Strong words.

You ever go to a concert... Like, my wife made me go to fucking... Those are always bad stories. Dave Matthews Band. Oh, God, son. That's an ugly one. And the worst thing... My wife made me go to...

It's always bad. But then when you say... Yeah, I shouldn't say it like that. The only thing worse than Dave Matthews is John Mayer. Oh. If your wife made you go to a John Mayer... John Mayer? John Mayer, Mayer.

And she was just like, just enthralled by him. Right. Huh? I could do John Mayer. No, I could do two. No, I think he's great. I think he's very talented. But if your wife is really into going, you know what I'm saying?

Like she drags you there and just stares at him. Right. And you're like, I paid for this ticket. You paid to have your wife close her eyes later and think about him. Boop lay. You notice she's not clapping because one of her hands slipped down her jeans. She's just knuckled deep. Oh, Dave Matthews.

He's so sensitive. She's clapping with one hand. Yeah, it's just like, it sounds like someone's stabbing a seal. Just... It sounds like one of those martial arts movies where they rip the guy's heart out after killing him. She's just fisted herself.

She's all the way to her elbow. Just gritting her teeth and pounding it in there. She got the wedding ring off. She's just fucking strafing the... You can see her rib cage expand as her fist goes up there. John Mayer, I fucking love you! Okay, let's go. Then you realize it's in her asshole.

You thought it was bad. It's all fucking shit up to her elbow. You're like, what is this? What the fuck are you doing? I thought we were going to see a concert. She starts licking her arm. Oh, John, man. Oh, John.

Oh, you make me eat my shit. Meanwhile, that's not the craziest person that ever lived. Nope. That's not even close. Nope. It's not even close. If you work in an insane asylum, that's all they do is clean shit up off the walls. It's all about feces in the mental institutions.

Yeah. What is that? They say that has something to do with abuse. I think it's territorial. Oh, I didn't hear that. I've heard a lot. There's a lot of connections between feces abuse and sexual abuse. Right.

Read that, though, online. Obviously, I'm not a doctor. I know. When I think about the 70s and I take a shit, I cry. When you think about the 70s and you take a shit? Yeah, because I was molested in the 70s. And then when I'm taking a shit. No.

We were just making that joke before, remember? Yeah, it wasn't that good. I thought we were bending that. You thought that would be edited out. I thought we were figuring out a way to move past that. Do you guys know a band named One Direction? Oh. No.

Yes. It's a kids band. Like if Tiger Beat had a cover story, it would be. Oh, look at these cute little bastards. Yeah. But I guess they're staying at the hotel across the street from the comedy store. There's all these little kids that are just hanging out there late at night, just like in groups, like an Apple product's about to get released at midnight type shit.

Oh, wow. And they're just mobbed everywhere. How fucked up is that? Is these guys, you know, they're trying to make them look like they're 17, but they're probably 25, right? I think. Or whatever. Even if they're 21, the fans are

11 to 13, 14, and they want to fuck you or they don't know what they want. They want to let you do what you want with them. So I always wonder if these guys are looking for that one older sister who's into it longer than she should be and she's like 17, 18 and you want to pluck her out.

Because otherwise it's a nightmare. All these people are screaming for you and you can't go near them. Do you think the girls actually want them to do what they want to them? I think they have no idea what the fuck they want. I think they want to hug him or something. If you're talking about an 11-year-old, I think they don't even realize what a guy liking you means. Yeah, but some of them are dressed like dirty whores.

They're like 13, but they... Maybe 13. Maybe then you start kind of figuring it out. But at 11, how many kids at 11 know what's going on? What if your wife, though, like it was the opposite, what if your wife was in love with like Justin Bieber? Like just a huge Bieber fan. Because there was parents that

were hanging out with these kids and they were like all like with the t-shirts on like freaking out off. Right. It was just as creepy. Yeah, well it makes sense. I mean he's a handsome bastard that Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber? He's cute. Just, it makes sense. He's a handsome bastard, that Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber? He's cute. Just adorable. And he never breaks character.

He's always that fucking positive guy. But now you hear he's starting to fuck up. He pissed in a janitor's bucket behind a nightclub. I think the pressure that dude must be under must be staggering. And it's since he was, what, 12?

Six, yeah. So he never had a chance to develop in any normal way. Yeah. For him, the struggle is going to be so strange. And you know who gave me some insight into that is Ricky Schroeder. Ricky Schroeder was famous when he was, like, six. Yeah. He was in, like, that movie The Champ.

I think he was, like, six or seven or something like that. I think he got nominated for an Oscar. Dude, he fucking. Yeah. He was in like that movie, The Champ. I think he was like six or seven or something like that. I think he got nominated for an Oscar. Dude, he fucking deserved it. He was amazing in that. But the way he describes it, when he did the podcast he talked about, he's like, that's my world. I've never known another world.

I've never known a time where I wasn't famous, so it's normal to me. Yeah. And I go, oh, all right. Like, what an interesting way to grow. Is Justin Bieber about to kick some ass? Is that what's going on here? Who is he going after?

A reporter. A reporter? Yeah. Wow, that seems like it could have been handled a little better. But there's a lot of big actors to start as child actors, like Tom Cruise and what's his name? Leonardo DiCaprio. You know, he was probably 11 when he started. Yeah. And I think in a way, maybe you can't stay at the level that a Tom Cruise does unless you just were indoctrinated into it early.

And it's all you know. Maybe. But there's some that seem to have gotten through it. Like, I don't know. I've never had a conversation with Jodie Foster, but she always strikes me as someone who got through it, like, fairly unscathed. She's a lesbian. Yeah. Is that what it is? Like, that made it easier? That's a better transition?

No. I think that being a lesbian makes you, from the lesbians I've known, and I've known some really well. I worked for Ellen DeGeneres for two years. And I think that it makes you an outlier. You're born into being an outlier. You're already thinking about things knowing you don't need people's approval because you're not going to get it categorically. So you stop seeking it. That's interesting. You know, because one of the things that I always admire about talking to fun lesbians is how they're very much like guys. Oh, yeah.

The way they'll make jokes. Fuck yeah. The way they don't give a fuck. Yep. Like Melissa Etheridge, she's like a dude. Yep. And I say that in the nicest way possible, the broadest sense of the compliment. She was talking about divorce and alimony and stuff like that.

And she goes, hey, you know, look, the bottom line is women are fucking crazy. She's just talking about getting divorced and she's talking like a dude. And I don't mean all women are crazy. Some of them are great. But the lesbians are less crazy. But lesbians are more like dudes. Lesbians are less crazy. But lesbians are more like dudes.

Right. Like, there's something. Anybody who doesn't believe that that is a natural part of the, you know, the broad spectrum of sexual attraction is a natural part of life. It's never met, like, a badass lesbian. You know, you never met, like, a Melissa Etheridge. If you met a Melissa Etheridge, you'd be like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's a lesbian. We have tons of, we have so many same-sex parents in my kids' school.

It's crazy. They have absolutely no concept that two gay people shouldn't be together any more than, like, when they heard about that the Supreme Court overruled that same-sex marriage act, they were, like, clapping in the back of the car.

Wow. They're just like, why would two, like Jeremy's parents, you know, Evan's mothers, like it's just fucking normal. Yeah. It's, you know, people have this idea somehow or another that there's different teams, that there's a conservative team against the liberal team. Really what you should look at, it's the simplest way. Simplest way is, does it hurt you? And if it doesn't, support it.

Do these people enjoy it? Well, they'll support it. The idea that you would restrict people's behavior that they enjoy because for some reason it's distasteful to you, that's just being an asshole. That's all that is. Do you think abortion falls under that category? Abortion gets tricky because you're dealing with human life.

And it's also tricky because it's one of those clear pattern decision things. Like if you're a right-wing person, you are pro-life. If you're a left-wing person, you are pro-choice. It's almost like cut and dry, like you have to adopt these opinions to be one side or the other. I think I have no business to tell anybody what they can and can't do with their body. I have no business. I'm not a doctor. I don't know when life begins. But you look at a couple cells together, and then you look at a forming fetus they become

very different things as it becomes larger and older so then it starts to be when it's when is it become life and I think that's a real question and I don't think it's a left-wing question or right-wing question to question people aren't asking in a real way exactly it's an honesty question and it's a question that we avoid in this discussion. It's either if you're a left-wing person, you are pro-choice, and you want women to be able to do this safely, and you want it to be where they don't have to worry about being harassed in the parking lot. And if you're a right-wing person, oftentimes the view is the polar opposite, that you're taking a human life.

It's against the Bible. If you're a Christian especially, there's a lot of people that believe this is a terrible, terrible thing. So terrible that there's the extremists, when you get on their spectrum, the extremists that shoot the fucking abortion doctors. Which is totally logical to me, and I understand it. If I believe that absolutely, that human lives are being taken, it would be the same to me as if I knew that there was a guy that was going to work every day and they were killing people. Right. I would kill that person. I would be within my moral authority, not by the United States law, but I'd feel the same way if somebody hurt someone in my family, rape or murder. I would get a gun and I would go find that person

or I would arrange to have them killed. And I would feel like that wasn't wrong of me to do that if I was absolutely sure it was them. Right. But in terms of when a life begins, do you remember Jonathan Katz's joke? He goes, I believe life begins after the second cup of coffee. Jonathan Katz was awesome. But yeah, it's a real question. And if you bring it up like that,

I had a discussion with this guy that I really kind of respected. I don't want to say his name, but it was the most preposterous discussion on the idea that it's just a seed and that having an abortion is just a seed like it's not just a seed it's it's a growing thing like if you leave it alone it's going to be a person we both know that like we can't play games with this and then he started accusing me of being right wing

like immediately and i was like okay i'm not i'm not right wing at all but you're saying you're equating it to a seed it's not a seed like fetus, something growing inside your body will be a human. A seed does not necessarily become a tree. Okay. You have to fucking plant it. You got to water it. Then it becomes a sapling and then it's on its way. And if it gets the moisture, then it becomes, it becomes a tree, but a seed can just sit around for a long time. Once you have a baby that's started to grow, then the ethical process begins the ethical question process when is it a person is it a person a day in when it's two cells or three cells or 100 cells whatever the fuck it is is it really are you sure like if i just pull that out of there real quick

aren't we good yeah the discussion seems to me off it's off point because it it really is like very logically it is the second it becomes two cells and anything in between that and birth is life yeah then the question really is about when is it less of a bad thing is it sooner you know because to me it feels like to say well once it has eyes or to say once it starts to delineate limbs then you start to go like well now you're splitting hairs i mean either you are stopping uh you know um an entity from fully forming or you're not and it doesn't matter how far down the line it is and this isn't to say I'm against abortion, but like I do a joke about it now where I say, you know, women are, like first I asked the women,

how many women are pro-choice? They all clap. How many of you have had abortions? Nobody claps. I go, there's the problem with your fucking cause. How are you going to really fight for a cause you won't admit that you actually do? I said, you should be proud of it.

You should see like those silhouettes of the family members on the back of your minivan with just an X through one of them that says, not a good time. You did that in San Francisco. Right. And to me, it feels like now that might come off as anti-abortion, but it's not. It's anti-put your head in the sand. It's like, own it. If you're going to fucking do it, own it

the same way that I would own masturbation if you tried to make it illegal. I'd be like, fuck you. I may be ashamed of this, but I'm fighting for my right to have it. I can see the cover of the article they're writing on Jezebel right now. Emmy Award winning writer. Connects masturbation with

abortion. Look, we're all ashamed, ladies. We're both cleaning up afterwards. Oh, God, how dare you. This is where women who are really militant will get furious. Like, you know, you can never fucking have a conversation about it because the option isn't available to you. You're not going to have a fucking body growing inside of your body,

and you're not going to be the person who gives birth. And my answer would be, I've never dropped seed in a chick without protection, dummy. How'd you get pregnant? How dare you? How dare you yell at someone so vulnerable and confused? In the middle of a crisis, you're exploding on a stranger.

I know, I have to be gentle. You have to be gentle. It's hard to do, but sometimes it's what we need to do to fix the world. You're exploding on a stranger. I know. I have to be gentle. You don't meet her with love? I have to be gentle. Meet her with love. Sweet love. It's hard to do, but sometimes it's what we need to do to fix the world. Sweet little thing. You can never say, why didn't you just about the past and have it sound good. Why didn't you just get your shit together? Oh, I'm sorry.

Why didn't you just call me? Because I was fucking suicidal. I don't want to talk to anybody. You're not allowed to say that. That was dark. When you say, if you say suicidal around people, that's the best way to get the party stopped. Right. Everyone's having a good time.

Well, ever since I've been suicidal. Cricket. No, no, no, no. Nobody wants to be around somebody who wants to end life on their own terms. For some reason, that's very disturbing to us. Yeah. Most likely, because if you're looking to kill yourself, what do you give a shit if I die too? How do I know you're not going to suicide bomb yourself?

Right. Did you watch that show? Fuck, the Patriot show. Patriot Steelers? The one on... Iron Patriot? The one, the fucking... The one with

Tom Clancy Homeland yeah I've seen every episode fascinating fucking show fuck yeah and I don't want spoiler alert but the

the suicide vest scene yeah holy shit that's an Emmy Award winning performance right there holy shit I don't want to say anything more than that

I'll just say you're about to watch one of the best actors out there. Holy shit, what a scene. I mean, the cast on that show, Mandy Patinkin. I'd always heard his name, but I thought he was like some theater. He's not. He's a fucking brilliant.

Well, he's that too. I know. But that made me think that he was just like, for lack of a better word, like a homosexual. Oh, hey, easy over here. Which isn't bad. made me think that he was just like uh you know for lack of a better word like uh you know a homosexual oh hey easy over here which isn't bad i just meant i dismissed him as like a cabaret singer oh and i didn't realize he was like a brilliant fucking actor yeah mandy patinkin's a beast man he's a beast he was also in um uh's a beast. He was also in The Princess Bride. He was in Ego Montoya. Right, right.

You killed my father. Prepare to die. He was a bad motherfucker. Mandy Patinkin's been a bad motherfucker for a long time. He's a brilliant actor. And he plays that character. It's just a work of art. It is.

It's a work of art. I mean, the subtlety in his delivery. Subtlety. And the real moments when he actually gets upset. Yeah. in his delivery and the real moments when he actually gets upset, the tangible feeling that you have when this really measured guy has to cut loose

and get crazy. Right. Fuck, what a show. And you know, you talk about characters being layered. It's like, there's so many different things

going on with him between his troubled marriage, his relationship with Claire Dane, which he knows is wrong, and yet he believes in her, and he's a company man in the end. There's so many different things going on with him, and he plays all of them at the same time.

Yeah, it's so hard to believe that, I mean, and again, spoiler alert, I'm not going to say anything, but it's so hard to believe the plot lines they've pulled off. Like, the idea that they put forth, that they're actually playing that out and then i'm not running away from the tv going get the fuck out of here like they haven't had me go get the fuck out of

here once well i i felt 24 was like that 24 you had to suspend your disbelief a little bit more because it was a little bit more of action it was physical action more right but it was the same kind of storylines shit that you would really go like and that's why I love that genre I love Bourne supremacy I like it when you gotta go like yeah they're not riding a motorcycle across the roof but fuck man this is great

it's fun to watch even if it's preposterous the Bourne Identity one what's the latest one it's the one that's not Matt Damon. It's the other guy. Oh, I didn't see that one. It's the new guy.

I didn't see that one. Jeremy Renner? Jeremy Renner. Yeah, that's his name. And he's like jumping off top of buildings and landing on people's necks, twisting them on the way down. I mean, it's the most ridiculous shit of all time. Right.

He's like this, he's like the greatest Olympic athlete the world has ever known. This new guy. Yes, yes. The thing he can do in the movie. Is it like parkour kind of stuff? Oh ever known. This new guy? Yes, yes. The thing he can do in the movie. Is it like parkour kind of stuff? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything. Everything.

He does whatever. He flies through the air. He's like Spider-Man. I mean, it's preposterous. Like the way he can move his body. More than Matt Damon. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the hyper level version of it.

They kicked it up a couple of times. So it's more like Bond? Yeah. No, no. He's more like a superhero. Yeah. Like what he can do with his body is ridiculous. Right.

He literally can jump off buildings and land on people's heads, catch himself in buildings on the way down, drop on their head and snap them and fucking flip over. Do a flip over a speeding Ferrari that's coming at him. Duck under this arm, grab that gun, turn it towards him, doom, doom, doom, kill everybody in front of him, flip over him when the car's coming at him. I mean, it's just... And always, like, you know, have your leg broken, and in the next scene, chase somebody down. That's always my favorite.

I'm always keeping track of how injured. Because at my age, like, I get injured just getting up, taking a shit. I can get injured. And I'm watching this guy, you know, finger must be broken from that. I got gouged out from that. And he's still at the top of his game in the last scene.

Yeah, they heal well in those shows they always get that streak of blood that comes off the eyebrow that's a big one you know what the key is is the the acting i mean matt damon is just a guy he can do comedy drama romance he's fucking unbelievable he's a beast and so you put him into a role like that and he raises the stakes of you believing in it yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he was so good that he played Liberace's lover, and you believe that. Oh, my God. You know?

Yeah. Matt Damon's a bad motherfucker. Right. And this Elysius, is that what it's called? The new futuristic movie? Elysium? Elysium. Elysium.

Elysium, yeah. Elysium. That looks awesome. Yeah. I don't know what that is. I don't know if it's good, but it looks amazing. Well, he's one of those few actors where, you know, some of these guys get paid $20, $25 million a picture, and you think that's not. Yeah. I don't know what that is. I don't know if it's good, but it looks amazing. Well, he's one of those few actors where, you know,

some of these guys get paid $20, $25 million a picture and you think that's not worth it. There's very few people that I will go see. Like, fucking, don't need to read a review of the movie,

don't care who the director is, Matt Damon's in it, I will go see it. Yeah, he always makes a good choice. Right. The movies are always, there's always something

really good about the movie. Yeah. What was the one movie where he played a complete total liar? Oh, about, he was flying around a lot, right? The curious life of. Oh, right. What the fuck was that? Oh, God damn it.

Now I got to go to his IMDB, which I never like to do. That was badass. I went to your IMDB, man. Really not impressed. Whose? That's what people like to do. That was badass. I went to your IMDB, man. Really not impressed. Who's? That's what people like to say. Oh, right. I know.

That's a Hollywood douche thing. Yeah, I've been to your IMDB, bro. Not only that, IMDB has a star ranking. Here is the most grotesque Hollywood sign. You can pay extra. You pay an extra $10 a month for IMDB Pro. You can pay extra. You pay an extra $10 a month for IMDb Pro. And I can look up Joe Rogan, and you will be numbered from one to like 10 million in Hollywood based on the amount of searches for your name, time spent on your website.

It's all factored in. Usually Matt Damon might be number three, and I might be number 46,000 or something. Right. So I know there's 46,000 people higher up in the food chain in Hollywood than I am. And you can look up any—you have a meeting with somebody, you can look up what their fucking ranking is in Hollywood. That's so ridiculous. That's just something that people would get caught up in and then it would wind up becoming really gross right

you'd just get caught up in it and lose your fucking marbles hire a marketing team to search you so you go up in the rankings I need to get my public internet profile higher in the rankings it's very important I can't find the name of this fucking movie

what's so crazy is like with with Twitter, there's times where I go through tweets. I stumble on something that makes me laugh and I'll write out like five, six, seven tweets in 20 minutes. Right. And then I won't tweet for like five days. And then I'll see like the number of people that follows you

will jump when you write tweets and then it doesn't at all when you don't. So you realize like you really, it's great that people are, they really are reading that shit. Oh, yeah, man. If you're interesting to follow, like, people send you interesting things as well. Like, one of the beautiful things about Twitter is that it's like an exchange. Yeah. Like, I retweet a lot of shit, and I retweet things that people send me that are interesting.

Yeah. Like, someone will send me some crazy story about some new scientific discovery, and then I'll immediately retweet a lot of shit and I retweet things that people send me that are interesting. Like someone will send me some crazy story about some new scientific discovery and then I'll immediately retweet that. And so it encourages people to do that because they like being retweeted because they get more followers that way. And if you have cool shit on your Twitter page, like people who have, you know, no show business connections at all, they just have developed a following. They have significant numbers of Twitter followers just based on their own input on things. Yeah, someone finds out about it, or you tweet something to someone famous and they retweet it. Someone finds out about it, and then before you know it, you have this little community that you've developed.

Well, writers on TV are getting jobs from Twitter feeds more than spec scripts. That's amazing. You hear about it all the time. This dude, you know, he went to, you know, Colorado State University, and he just used to tweet a lot, and then he just gets fucking, they solicit him.

You know, a guy will have 200,000 followers, and they'll say, do you want to write on How I Met Your Mother? And the guy does it and then he kills himself. That's amazing. Can you imagine writing on How I Met Your Mother?

One of those shows. Sitting in a room with 12 other people fighting to get one line into a horrible script. But folks don't know that everyone's like yeah it must be

really fucking hard working on TV must be terrible excuse me while I go to the hard working on TV. It must be terrible. Excuse me while I go to the coal mine. That's obviously worse. But it doesn't take away from the fact that being on a show that sucks is torture. Well, and I only say that because as comedians, we get to say whatever the fuck we want.

We can get immediate feedback. Nobody's giving us notes or criticism. And then you take that and you go into a, you have an office, and then some PA will come by and go, okay, everybody in the writer's room. And you have to stand up and walk in and sit down and stay in there for the four hours until they go, okay, you guys can have lunch. It's just your whole life turns upside down. Yeah. And again, this isn't to complain about. I'm just saying compared to stand-up.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Stand-up is the greatest job the world has ever known. An hour a night. Yeah, and just writing during the day. And usually it's fun. Even the stuff you're like, God, I've got to write. When you start writing and it clicks, that's a fun feeling.

Right. It's really fun. And the excitement of then knowing, like you're driving to the club and you got like three pages of new shit. Yeah, you got like a little bomb that you know you can drop. That's a great feeling. So fun. And it's also

people love that feeling. I love that feeling of laughing at someone. Like I'm still a huge fan of stand-up. Like one of my favorite things to do is to go watch stand-up that's one of the reason why it was really fun those dates that you and I did together I got to watch you and laugh and I hadn't seen a lot of your stuff in a while it was really fun yeah yeah it's a fun stand-up is of just a it's a beautiful exchange I was just the

Montreal Comedy Festival I saw there's all these dudes that I'd heard about and hadn't seen for whatever because you know we're on the road Yeah at the same time, but you know Kyle Kinane. Yeah, I don't know him I know who he is same thing don't have seen him and he was fucking great like a like a Stanhope to kind of guy Just yeah, you know a boozer who talks really honestly about the darkness of his life And his but but has the chops of a real stand-up Yeah, I saw him do I've seen him do one set, and it was at the improv, and it was very funny. Yeah.

But it was a long time ago. It was several years ago. That's hard for me to remember. His Twitter avatar is my cat. It's your cat? Yeah. What do you mean? Oh, that's funny.

You mean the photo, the drawing, or your actual cat? It's him holding Techie. Oh, that's hilarious. Well, it's tough to beat a cute cat. And then I went and I did a- Something appealing to look at. You know, they have that gala where you got to go and perform for like 3,000 people and they show it around the world. Oh, yeah.

I never did that. And Dane Cook was like, they have a host for it, you know, a celebrity host. And Dane Cook was the host when I was doing the, you know. Right. And usually you draw old people because it's like a seven o'clock show in Montreal. It's like an old Jewish town. Yeah. And I have fucking choked on my own semen in front of these crowds.

And this time it was like Danes fans and they were young and fucking excited. He went out and killed first and it was all Boston guys. It was Bobby Kelly, me, Gary Gullman, Dane, oh, and Alonzo Bowden and Harlan Williams. Everybody had a great time. It was such a fucking relief. Oh, that's cool. Well, you know, I think that whole old people thing,

that's from a different era. I've been hearing that the comedy festivals have skewed younger and younger these days. No, just this one particular show, The Gala. It was just because of Dane? Because it's a TV taping. No, I'm saying they do like seven galas during the week, and each night they do one. So the one I was on

had a much younger crowd than the other ones during the week. Oh, so they did have ones with a lot of older folks. Because it's a taped TV show, so they buy the tickets way in advance. Oh, see, because I always felt like the people that had been going to the comedy festival were sort of, there was a lot of like, when we started going, the first time I went, I think, was 93. And there was still that push to be TV clean. Right. And they were also, like, the gala was only TV clean.

So I never got to work it. So I but from what I would think now is that you see all these clips from the thing and then it's on the Internet and then stand up comedy becomes like more and more popular, which I think stand up comedy is probably at at one of its more popular times. If you stop and think about like how many really good comedians there are right now, it's unbelievable. That's what blew me away in Montreal. I was like, there's 100 comics here, and they're all fucking good. Yeah, and I would think that it would be a lot of young people that would show up now to these things. I think the other ones, like I did Moon Tower, which is in Austin, Texas, back in April or May, and that was very young. And then you got South by Southwest. I mean, Coachella does a comedy stage. Bumbershoot in Seattle. Chicago has a big one.

San Francisco has a sketch fest. There's a million of them. It's hilarious that some of them don't pay the artists. They literally don't pay. Montreal pays, which is nice. Yeah, Montreal pays. They've always paid. They paid back in 1993 when I first started doing it.

Right. But, like, South by Southwest doesn't give you anything. No, and the only reason I did Moon Tower is I was headlining Cap City in Austin that week. So I was making my headliner money, and I was part of the festival at the same time. Did you do shows before or after your shows at Cap City? No, I would do, you know, 8 o'clock show thursday to friday to saturday but then but then after my shows i would go do like midnight shows but then also the people at the festival with the you know the the um the um customers they would they would have a laminate

and they'd go see my show maybe and then they'd see posain show after that it was part of the whole thing wow that's awesome man. Sounds like a good time. You should do it because they do some theater shows. And it is a fucking cool vibe. Like Stan Hope was there, hung out with Stan. No, I'm thinking Tom Rhodes was there. Like, guys, I never fucking see. Right.

And the crowds are, I mean, you work Austin. They're the greatest crowds. Yeah, I was just there. I guess I was there like five or six months ago. You got to do Moon Tower. I'll do it if I can. I don't know. I'm so fucking busy these days.

Yeah, but this one is, this is a rejuvenative week. Really? You chill. You feel, you walk away. You've seen some good new comedy. Reconnected with some friends. Done some good shows. So like a comedian meeting hub. Right.

Yeah, that's what Montreal always felt like. That bar. The Delta. The Delta, is that what it's called? Yeah, that bar. That's right. Yeah, that bar has always been, you know. It can be landmines, though, because you never know when you're going to run into that one shitty club owner who's going to be in your face.

Or gay comedian who's drunk and ruthlessly aggressively pursuing you. It's the only time I've ever had a child. Dom Irera? No. Dom can kiss me anytime he wants. I don't let him penetrate, but if he wants to kiss me and jerk off, I love him. I'm playing pool with Dom on Sunday. Looking forward to it. I love seeing him. He's awesome. He's somebody I always see at the clubs

too. I'll be at the improv at one in the morning and he walks in. Yeah, Dom's legit to the end. He's a legit stand-up comedian. Always working. Always has a notebook with him. Always got new shit. He's just awesome. And he's got that energy before he goes on just the way good comics do. Still

not nervous but jazzed up. Hyperfocused. He loves it. And he's always loved it. We've been friends. Dom and I have been friends since 93. I met him in 93 when I did the festival in Montreal. And then we became friends after we ran into each other at Amsterdam Billiards. Oh, yeah? Yeah, because I had just done that show with him, but that was the first time I'd ever met him.

And he's the host of it. It was a Showtime thing. And then when we went to play at Amsterdam, I found out he could play pool. David Brenner's club. Yeah, and the old one. Remember the old one that was on the play pool. David Brenner's club. Yeah. And the old one. Remember the old one that was on the Upper West Side? Right.

That one was awesome. Beautiful. So I've been friends with Dom since, I guess it was like 93. He's always been that way. He's always been like a real comic. And he's like the Don Gavin of LA. He will talk to any young comic, be funny with them, bust their balls. Yeah. And treats you with, he says nice things to you.

You don't get enough of that he'll compliment you if you do a new bit that he likes he's a beautiful person yeah i love don marrera with with all my heart he's beautiful i love being around him he's fucking hilarious he goes it's a sweet warm guy i saw him say the other night he goes uh i'm at the age where if i If I died of natural causes, people would go, hmm. Another one he said, he said, I wish I was gay just so I could come out of the closet. That's how little I give a fuck. I'm bored. I need something fun to do.

He really does not care what people think about him. He's happy with who he is. He's not struggling with that. So, plus he's on Xanax. So he's like, whatever. I don't give a fuck. Well, I knew he quit drinking for a little while. I don't know if it lasted. Well, he got a little out of the,

he was a little out of control, slightly. But he, not nothing, he's smart enough to like pull back on his own. And then he resumed casual drinking. Right. But I think, look, it's easy. You're a single guy. You're in clubs every night, and he's in clubs almost every night.

It's easy to start drinking a lot. It's fun. Fucking drinking's fun. You're having a good time, then you have a couple of shots. Now you're having a great time. Woo-hoo! But the crushing effect that it has on your body over and over and over again. It's really bad for you, man.

Right. I miss drinking, man. Fuck. I just had my family stay with me for a week. My sister, her husband, who drinks, and my niece and nephew and my mother all stay in my house with my wife. Oh, crime. It's nine of us. Oh, crime.

But you know what? And I miss drinking because they would all drink a lot at night. They'd go through bottles and bottles of us. Oh, crying. But you know what? And I miss drinking because they would all drink a lot at night. They'd go through bottles and bottles of wine. And my brother-in-law would go through a couple six-pack Budweiser a day. Wow. Jesus. And so you start to really feel it. Like even my wife, who doesn't drink a lot, was drinking every day.

So I'm all alone. I'm drinking non-alcoholic beers and I'm playing fucking PlayStation with my kids because I can't relate to it. People get fucking dumb and boring when they drink. I'm drinking non-alcoholic beers and I'm playing fucking PlayStation with my kids because I can't relate to. People get fucking dumb and boring when they drink. I'm sorry. It's nice at first, but if you're the sober one, everybody gets emphatic about their point of view and overly zealous about simple thoughts. And you just start to feel yourself squeezed out. You start to feel like people are looking at you like you're the uptight guy and you can't have a good time. And so I want to go counterpoint on what you just said.

Unless everyone drinks the Kool-Aid, it's not fun. Well, it depends on who you're drinking with. If you're drinking with idiots, you're going to have that problem. You're talking about my family. I'm talking about your family. I'm calling them idiots. I'm calling mine, too. You called my wife an idiot. Everyone's an idiot. I'm an idiot too. You're an idiot as well. It's

all in the level of idiot. Right. And with a certain level of idiot, when they get drunk, it becomes really boring. Yeah. Because it becomes, oh, you're not really good at this. Oh, I see what we're doing. So what we're going to do here is we're going to play a game that you suck at. It's like two fat guys playing basketball. Neither one of them have any experience. They're going to be bouncing around, looking stupid. And for a person that can communicate well and is sober, it's a real problem. It's a bummer.

You're dragging me into the fucking mud. Because you want to say to them, look, at the top of your game, I struggle to find you interesting. Now you're drunk, and it's torture. Counterpoint is, some people are cool as fuck when they're drunk. Some people are fun to talk to Now you're drunk, and it's torture. But then, counterpoint is, some people are cool as fuck when they're drunk. Yeah.

Some people are fun to talk to when they're drunk. They tell you hilarious stories, and they flow good. It just loosens them up enough so they can catch a wave. Yeah, you don't judge yourself as much so the real you can come out.

Yeah, you can catch a wave. And if you can catch, like, one of those social waves, it can be really fun. And then you've got to maintain that wave correctly. Correctly. You have to know, don't underfeed waves, it can be really fun. And then you've got to maintain that wave correctly. Correctly. You have to know, don't underfeed it, don't overfeed it.

Yeah. It's a tricky thing, man. Drinking correctly is like something someone should teach you. Yeah, I really envy you because you seem to really enjoy it when I see you do it. But yet you don't have to do it all the time. That must be so nice. Yeah, and I recognize that it's most likely a genetic thing. I see you do it. But yet you don't have to do it all the time. That must be so nice. Yeah. And I recognize that it's most likely a genetic thing.

Most of my friends— My father died at 53. He was an alcoholic. Three out of four of my grandparents, all my aunts and uncles. And there's so much evidence as far as American Indians who didn't have an exposure to alcohol. Well, it's also their livers and Irish livers process alcohol better. Yeah. Well, because they have a long history of use. Yeah.

I think what happened with the Native Americans is they weren't drinking as much alcohol, not nearly as much as the Westerners that came here. So when they introduced it to them, this is like a drug they had no social experience with, which is always a big one. You know, it's like, remember when you were a teenager, the first time you got drunk, how terrible you were at it? Right. It takes a long time to know where your tolerances are, how to do it, how not to be a sloppy bitch. It takes a while.

The shots in general are not a good idea. Yeah, and when you just go straight to hard liquor, and you're 30, and you've been eating fucking deer that you chased down and killed. Right, and have a peyote. Yeah, and then all of a sudden you're just drowning in whiskey and then you have no experience, no cultural experience to fall back on. Oh, grandpa told me what this was about when you get drunk. What you got to do is start off slow, boy. Make sure you got food in your stomach. That's going to fill. There's none of that going on. No one even knows what the fuck it is. Yeah. And then the white man forces it on them because they realize how pliant they become when they're drunk. Yeah.

So it was like, we'll pay you in whiskey and then sign this fucking treaty. Yeah. Give me New York for a nickel. Yeah. I'll take the whole state. A lot of bad real estate deals were done drunk. Whether it's at a high class hotel and Donald Trump just fucking sauced you up or you're an Indian. Well, how much did they pay for Alaska?

Was that a good deal? Where'd they buy it from? The Russians? I believe they bought it from the Russians. I don't know what the deal was. The Russians are like, listen, we got more than we can handle. You want to take that spot? Right.

Go ahead and take that spot. When you look at a map, it's one of the most ridiculous ideas ever that that somehow or another is a part of America. No. Second most ridiculous idea. Hawaii. Yeah. Hawaii's pretty ridiculous.

Somebody told me there's like a hundred countries closer to Hawaii than the United States. And we treat it like, and somehow like, I don't know the history. I mean, it's almost like we saw it and we went, yeah, we're going to take that. And you guys, you guys can be citizens. You can vote. You can come here. Meanwhile, we got Mexico lined up against the border. We're like, you can't fucking come here.

But Hawaiians, come on. Well, Mexico is way bigger. Hawaii is just a few little tiny islands, and people seem nice, and they know how to cook a pig in the ground. Let's just fucking work this out. That's what the missiles are. Have you seen the feet on their women? Their feet? Oh, beautiful little feet.

Yeah, and they do that hula dance. Whoa. A hula dance? Is that what they call it? Yeah, isn't it? I was there. The skirts? The grass skirts?

My wife took me to luau when we were in Hawaii, and I fucking, I hate anything commercial and touristy, especially when you're in Hawaii and you're hiking in the rainforest and fucking surfing. And she's like, we're going to a luau. So I was pissed, so I smoked a joint. Not even a joint. I smoked a couple heads.

You know me. Yeah. And then I just fucking sat in the front row of the luau. And their feet, the women's feet were like three feet in front of me. You know, they're kind of like rolling on the toes and moving around on them. Did you get hard? Did you get hard? Did you get hard? Yeah.

Wow. Just by looking at the feet. You don't like nice feet. I do. Yeah, absolutely. I feel you. I hear where you're coming from. It's a weird thing that we value that.

What is that genetically? What is that? I think to me it's that they're hidden. People wear shoes. So it's almost like nudity to me. I'm not supposed to see your little toes. And they move around like fingers, but they're weird because you hide them most of the time. They're fingers that you hide inside leather.

They're creepy. Right. I got a massage yesterday, and I had my head in the little donut thing. And I was looking down, and this Asian woman, she was barefoot. I'm sorry, but Asian feet are better. White women's feet are all fucked up. One toe is like an inch longer than the other one. Would you jerk off to this?

Yes, right? Yeah, I would. Oh, for sure. What's really sad to me is when women get that thing where their toes start pointing towards the big toe, starts pointing left or right towards the other toes. A hammer toe? Yeah. From jamming their feet into shoes that just smush them. Well, it's genetic also. the big toe starts pointing left or right towards the other toes. A hammer toe? Yeah. Yeah.

From jamming their feet into shoes that just smush them. Well, it's genetic also. Is it really? Yeah, yeah. Oh, so you can get it without those shoes? Right. It's just a bone that grows out, and it's like bone tissue. So the same thing, or it can happen both ways?

So either you can get it naturally, or you can get it from shoes? I know you can get it naturally. But don't. Because I've seen it run in families. Is it naturally or you can get it from shoes. I know you can get it naturally. But don't. Because I've seen it run in families. Is it a myth that you get it from shoes? I think it's all natural because, like, I have, I think some people have, like, that ridiculous small toe, like the retarded toe. Oh, on the pinky that goes over.

Yeah. Like it barely has a nail. Yeah, it barely has a nail. It's like taking the right turn. Right. Oh, and it's stacked on the one next to it? Yeah, it's stacked. It's spooning it.

I always see people like that and I'm like, why are you wearing flip-flops your toe is all fucked up put some shoes on i saw this one lady at the beach she was this old lady and uh she had it was it was like it was a sketch in an in living color movie you know like her toes were so fucked up like they were going over each other and crossing fingers i mean I had never seen anything like it. It was like a picket fence that got hit with a missile. It was all just collapsed over itself.

It was like she was throwing gang signs with her feet. It was one of the most ridiculous things I had ever seen in my life. She's got dreadlocks on the end of her feet. They were tangles. And it is true. I think you've got to earn a pair of flip-flops.

You've got to really take a good look at your feet. Like an Asian foot, the toes are, there's a perfect arc. It's like a 33-degree curvature from the big toe to the pinky. The pinky is well laid out with a full nail. There's no fucking discoloration of the nails themselves. A thin ankle. And then you get on a good southeastern

Asian, you get a brownish, tannish on the top. And then on the sides it becomes very light. Almost like a Nilla Vanilla wafer. Is that from the lack of the will to live? Hey, we're wrong.

It's from running a napalm. It's a bunion. Bunion is that. Hammertoe is when girls, the very end of their digit, they protrude, they kind of bulge up. Right. And that is from shoes. God. That's a hammertoe.

That's a different thing. And a bunion is when the big toe has a curve on the side? Yeah, the toe takes a turn towards the other toes. The big toe hooks right or left. And it gets worse with age. There's actually disagreement among medical professionals about the cause of bunions. Some see them as primarily caused by long-term use of shoes, particularly tight-fitting shoes with pointed toes,

while others believe the problem stems from genetic factors that are exacerbated by shoe use. Hmm. Yeah. You know, could be. Very possibly. I would tend to think that it might be shoes because it's way more on women than I see it on men. I cannot believe women put on those stiletto type shoes. I mean, I like it, but I look at them and I go, man, what a price to pay. When I'm out at a club all night, my feet are fucking tired.

I'm wearing sneakers. Yeah. And then to think that you're perched up on this thing that your toes are jammed into and you're at a 45 degree angle, it's just, it's really archaic to me. It's crazy. Brian, what was that last one? That woman had like fingers for toes. Pull that video back again.

That was ridiculous. I already lost it. That's how ADD is. And then black women, black women grow their- The funny show three seconds ago was like, can't find it, boss. I'm looking at some other things. Can't do it, man. Black women tend to grow-

Ew. There we go. Ew. What the fuck, man? Listen, I don't want to see this shit. Some guys are into like. I don't want to see some dude. She just came from the gym.

Or like they walk in dirt and then the guys lick them. Yeah, they like that. Hey, come on, Brian, for real. I don't want to see this. Stop. But the black women tend to grow the big toenail longer, which bothers me. It's sexy. Do you like that? In case they want to snort some coke grow the big toenail longer, which bothers me. It's sexy. Do you like that?

In case they want to snort some coke off the big toe. They want to let you know they're ready to party. Yo, baby, you want a toe blast? Have you ever seen the photo where a woman, an African-American woman, has gigantic toenails, all of them, and it says ghettos? They do grow them longer, don't they? Look up ghettos, T-O-E-S. Wait, no, no, no, that's not what we're looking at.

Look, there's images. Do a Google image search. He's just trying to sneak in. Dude's sucking on toes. He's such a creep. Duncan Trussell said the funniest fucking thing the other day. He was joking around about someone who was attractive but was mean and was saying something stupid on Fox News. And he was like, he goes,

stop talking and just put your feet in my mouth. I'm telling you something. And I started crying, laughing on the phone. It was the creepiest thing to say. Look at that. Ghettos. That's ghettos. Damn.

Okay. Can you imagine her just walking on a wooden floor? Just the sound of her nails hitting. I could. It would be hot. Knowing she's about to. Foot fetish is going to take off, and I believe it started with me. I've been talking about it for two years publicly.

Oh, I think it's been around for a long time. It's been around. I'm talking about it going mainstream. You've been talking about it longer than two years, man. Maybe five. Have you ever had a it longer than two years, man. Maybe five. Have you ever had a foot in you, Greg? No. One of the times that we did your serious show,

you were talking about having a foot fit, and it was a long time ago. And the funny thing is, I don't act on it. I've never sucked on someone's toes. It's just I enjoy looking at them. So do you enjoy looking at them in real life as much as on video or on video more than real life? Which one? In real life I'm on the lookout

all the time. All the time. So you just store the memories. I'm looking down a lot and here's what I also do. If I see a woman I predict in my head whether she has open toed sandals and what the feet are going to look like and I'm pretty right on it. If a woman has like really pretty feet will you store that and then and I'm pretty right on it. If a woman has really pretty feet,

will you store that and then jerk off to them later? No. Never? I can't store shit for jerk off. I need immediate high sensory. Right in front of you. Right. There's never been a time where you took a few days off

and you really had a buildup? Nope. No? No, and I only watched foot porn because I'm friends with- Stop with the gross shit, man. That's an infected puss coming to my table. Yeah, what do I want to see that? I only watched it because Bella Donna is a friend of mine.

Oh. You know, she does- Single. The Foot Soldiers is her whole- She's single now? I heard she just got single. No shit. Maybe that's not known, but-

Wow. That's good news. Yeah, her husband's a good dude, but he managed her. Yeah, how dare you, Brian? So that's always a. Yeah, her husband's a good dude. How dare you, Brian. So that's always a bad thing. He what? He managed her, which is always a bad thing. That's a tough sell.

Right. Yeah, that's a strange relationship. Remember it happened with Tara Patrick and that dude. That rocker dude? Yeah. He was in all of her porn. He was bad news. It's fascinating.

Well, and when guys like that, like marry a porn star, but she still works, but now he fucks her in all of her porn he was bad news fascinating well and when guys like that like marry a porn star but she still works but now he fucks her in all the films like a couple mainstream you know who he's with now he's with that little

Lupe girl the Filipino girl yeah he got like within within a month that he broke up with Tara Patrick he was with another porn star

managing her he likes it crazy it's fun yeah does he only bang her or does she bang other dudes I have no idea

he told he told me cause I I co-hosted the porn awards with Tara Patrick so I went to her house one time and he was there

and I asked him I go so are you allowed to fuck around he's like no I don't he goes there's one massage place I go to right over here in the valley and you know

I get jerked off at the end but that's it and he's like and Tara goes there for massages too and I was like you know that ain't fucking true but that was their press release on the issue who cares that could easily be true you don't think that could be true

I did it with my ex we both went to the same at the same time why did that dude get mad at you because I said to Lupe, because I noticed that she was back in town, I was like, hey, I would really like to get you on that podcast I do with Dan and D.R.M. on Triple X Squad.

And he wrote back, look, motherfucker, I told you, she does not want to do your stupid shit, blah, blah. Like, just started going off on me like five tweets. And then I wrote back something like, dude, sorry, just asked if she wanted to do a podcast. Thought it would help her out. And then all these people on Twitter just started going, what the fuck?

It was like six months ago. And then he eventually apologized, sent me a direct message like, sorry, man. Here's my email address and blah, blah, blah. I thought you were somebody else or something. Oh, okay. I think she gets harassed a lot. Of course she does, man. Of course.

Could you imagine being a porn star on the internet and having everyone just be able to tweet you? Yeah. Oh, the fucking shit those poor women must have to deal with. She's awesome, man. Yeah. But because of the sexual repression that we have, like, they take the brunt of it. Like, if anybody in this country, if you're allowed to call them a slut or a cunt it's like a porn star it's like the things that guys say to porn I've seen some of the shit guys have said to porn stars like bro

wheel some girl being your feed complaining like it's it's hard to believe some of the fucking creeps that tweet me and then you know and then you'll go to her Twitter page and see her responding then you read the things that they're saying and mean fucking fucking, heartless, creepy shit. Because they're objectified. They're not humans. Exactly. You're only allowed to see in their mind.

It's rare that I think a girl like, let's pick a name of a famous actress. Sophia Loren. Who's on Twitter, though? Jenny McCarthy. Yeah, Jenny McCarthy. Okay, but Jenny McCarthy gets hate because of the virus thing, the vaccination thing. She gets a lot of heat because of that. Right.

I just read some whole article about this. The doctor was actually writing an article about how unfair it is and how much heat she takes for having a controversial assessment on vaccinations. Yeah, I think that it was irresponsible of her. It's very irresponsible of her it's very irresponsible but it's also what she really believed you know she really believed it at the time you know i don't know if she still does but then i looked up all the things that have been caused by vaccinations and that's where it's another one of those abortion type things it's like vaccinations for sure are not just beneficial.

They've probably extended the life of many people in this country. They've stopped diseases like polio, nipped that shit basically in the bud, stopped measles and mumps in a lot of places because of it. I'm a firm believer. I'm a firm believer. Don't get me wrong. But people have been damaged by vaccines. That's a fact too. It's a small percentage, and most scientists believe that it's worth the risk.

But there's people that have been damaged by vaccines that are no longer on the market and no longer available. Like GlaxoSmithKline used to have a vaccine for Lyme disease. But the problem is, you only safely can take this vaccine if you have a certain gene or if you're lacking a certain gene. And they have to run this gene examination on you. They have to find out what it is.

Sorry for butchering this, but my friend's dad got Lyme disease from the fucking vaccine. They were going to be hiking. They were going to live in Connecticut. Oh, he took it preemptively. He took it preemptively, and it gave him fucking Lyme disease. All of a sudden, the guy's like, bones hurt. Lyme disease is the most poorly prescribed disease you can get. They can go after it with cycle after cycle of hardcore antibiotics,

and sometimes they're just chasing it, and they can't get it, and it fucks you up. They need a lot of research on that because it's getting worse. You know, the first case of it was less than 20 years ago. Is that right? Yes. In Lyme, Connecticut. Yeah. Lyme disease is reported Lyme disease, I believe less than 21 years old. Wow.

I think they had never had it before or was undiagnosed before or it mutated. No one knows exactly, but it's also connected to this weird thing called Morgellons. Have you ever heard of Morgellons? No. It's one of the things that we investigated on the on this sci-fi show and what was interesting about it was

doctors dismiss it right away. Like you tell someone about Morgellons I talked to like a really smart doctor like what do you think about Morgellons? Like Morgellons, I talk to like a really smart doctor. Like, what do you think about Morgellons? Like, oh, Morgellons, you know, those people are kind of crazy. And I had been to a Morgellons conference and I talked to doctors who have Morgellons. And one of the weird things is that almost all of them also have Lyme disease. So this Lyme disease, when the ticks are such nasty cunts that they have a host of pathogens that they carry with them.

Lyme disease being one of them, but there may be a bunch of undiagnosed tagalongs. And Morgellons might be one of these. These poor fucking people, man. What are the effects of it? First of all, it makes you crazy. It fucks with your head. Well, Lyme disease does that too. It's neurological.

Yes. It hurts the way they look at the world. And one of the doctors that I talked to was talking to me about neurotoxicity, about how it has a certain amount of neurotoxicity. We go pretty deep into it on this show. It's incredibly fascinating. And meanwhile, we don't fucking need deers. Although they're being carried now in mice as much as deers.

Dogs too. People who have never been around an area where this is a real issue would never understand it. But like upstate New York, it's a real fucking problem. There's too many deer. A lot of deer and they carry ticks and those ticks get on people and you get

Lyme disease and you're fucked. Bright lights hurt, your joints hurt. It could fucking slow you down. My aunt got it and she had disease and you're fucked right and you you know you like bright lights hurt your joints hurt like it's it couldn't fucking slow my aunt got it and she had to go in once a week for antibiotics and she got diabetes from it a whole list of shit plus extreme exhaustion yeah she could she would be up six seven hours a day and so you know what got rid of it what What? A hysterectomy. Oh, my God. She needed a hysterectomy, and so she got it. And then they found her Lyme disease was gone a few months ago, and the doctor went, oh, yeah, yeah, that happens. And she's like, so for 10, 15 years, I've been walking around exhausted, in pain, getting disease.

woman who was, you know, 50, obviously not having more kids, and the doctor didn't bring up that a hysterectomy would get rid of this disease. How does a hysterectomy get rid of the disease? I think it changes your estrogen levels or something. Wow. I don't know exactly. And again, I always have to do a preamble when I do any sort of a recorded spoken thing. I don't know as much as I say I do. So many times I will put out information that's wrong, but I will do it with full confidence. Yeah, that's the story of my life. If you want to Google this entire interview, you will find no less than three major errors

in what I've said. And if you want to tweet me about it, it's at Greg Fitzshow. Point them out, and I will acknowledge, like me about it, it's at Greg Fitzshow. Point them out and I will acknowledge, like Sanjay Gupta, who's the doctor? Sanjay Gupta. I will admit I was wrong. That's beautiful, Greg.

Why not? Why I Changed My Mind on Weed by Sanjay Gupta. Oh, by the way, can I plug my dates? Yeah. When are you somewhere? I'm going to be coming up in Stand Up Live. Do you know the club in Phoenix, Arizona? That place is huge, man. When are you there? Well, I'm there next week. It'll be

August 15 through 17. 15 to 17. And yeah, I just booked the date a couple weeks ago, so I need the fucking I need the squad people to come out and support. Yeah, let me know. I'll tweet it. Let me know about it.

Send it to me. I'll tweet it. I will. And then I have a one hour special on Comedy Central coming out on August 18th at midnight. Where'd you film it?

Tarrytown, New York where I grew up. It was a theater from 1885 that was in disrepair when I was growing up so it used to be a movie theater.

I went to see fucking Herbie the Lovebug there and then they restored it and it's this it's got like all the ornate shit and the balcony and it's incredible so it was like my family was there my friends and Westchester just fucking turned out kids I went to grammar school with in high school and college it was an amazing night really magic That's awesome. Yeah. You're really getting into doing stand-up again.

Like, you're really loving it again. Yeah. Because for a long time, you did a lot of writing, right? Yeah. You weren't doing nearly as much stand-up. No. And, you know, it's funny. I talked to Dana Gould recently about it because, you know, he took time off entirely.

I mean, he stopped entirely when he did The Simpsons. And now he's back in it the last five, six years. And, you know, as everybody knows, just one of the most respected comics among comics but does not have the acclaim around the country that he should because he was off the grid. He stopped when

he was really respected when we were coming up. HBO specials. Just a great comic. And an interesting comic. Interesting point of view. And a very HBO specials just a great comic right just a really and an interesting comic right you know I mean interesting point of view yeah and a very unique guy

yeah that he stopped just went was writing for the Simpsons right yeah won Emmys made a ton of fucking dough and also like

you know had kids wanted to be around a bit so so for me I feel like I never stopped but I was splitting my time like for 12 years

I've worked on TV shows every year right but I was splitting my time. Like for 12 years, I've worked on TV shows every year. Right. But I've also done on a slow year still 12 weekends a year, and on a good year I'm still like this year I'll do 26 weekends. 26 is nice. Right. That's every two weeks you're going on the road. Yeah.

Yeah, that's how it should be. That's good. That keeps you from freaking out. Right. Because if you're one of those road. Yeah. Yeah, that's how it should be. That's good. That keeps you from freaking out. Right. Because if you're one of those, maybe when you were 21, you could go on the road for like a month and a half or two months, but I get offered those things. Like, let's do a bus tour. I'm like, fuck you.

Yeah. Dude, we should do one bus tour. For how many days, though? Just a week. Do a week. We go to fucking Madison, Wisconsin, and Chicago. Just route it so you got like two hours between each gig. Bill Burr wanted to do something like that.

He wanted to go to like really shitty places. Yeah. He like found a bunch of really shitty places and sent it to me. I was like, I looked at the text. I'm like, bitch, I ain't going. There's places that are not worth going to, man. They're just not.

Well, you could mix it up. You do a really good city, and then you do a small one. I would do it just to do shows with him. Yeah. Or to do them with you. We could do them together. Me, you could mix it up. You do a really good city, and then you do a small one. I would do it just to do shows with him. Yeah. Or do them with you. We could do them together. Me, you, Burr. Brian, you open.

You open. Austin, one, two, three, punch. I want to do a Dallas, Houston, Austin. Just go up Texas. I think Dallas and Austin are too much the same market. They're only an hour away. No, they're not the same market. No?

Nah. A lot of fucking people. Nah, nah. People in Texas will come out. If they know Greg Fitzsimmons is only going to be in Austin, they're not the same market. No? No. A lot of fucking people. Yeah, now, people in Texas will come out. If they know Greg Fitzsimmons is only going to be in Austin, they'll drive from Dallas. Right. But it's not the same market. They're both big-ass cities.

There's plenty of people in Austin, plenty of people in Dallas. Right. That Cap City in Austin is one of the greatest clubs in the history of the world. It's such a great fucking club, and the people that run it are cool. Yeah, well, it's real, like, they support the art form.. Yeah, well, it's real. They support the art form. It's like a legit support of the art form club. And that's all a town needs. You need a club like that, and then you need a community,

and then you need an open mic night, and then boom, you've got a bunch of comics. Well, you need a manager that is going to – it's an effort to make an open mic night, and they don't make money on it, so it's an investment in the local talent. Basically, you're saying the way San Francisco does and Denver does, you're saying, we're going to have our farm team locally. We're going to teach guys how to do it on an open mic night, support them and make them opening acts when they're good enough. And then they start to create their own satellite rooms and coffee houses and whatever. And then you've got a scene and a

club owner knows that I know this comic, he knows me. You see people that go back to the San Francisco punchline, myself included. I go in for way less money than I work anywhere else because it's a small room. But I fucking do it because I love it.

I love Molly. And you're in a city you love in the middle of it. And so I think that it's smart for club owners to establish these relationships and give this support to the community because it pays back. Yeah. No, it does pay back. It does. And I think that it's the best way to support stand up and to keep the art form alive because it's hard for a person to go from being like just a guy who wants to go on stage for the very first time, say, in Indianapolis. for the very first time, say in Indianapolis,

it's fucking hard. It's not easy to develop a comedy career out of there and try to even get time locally. It's very difficult, unless you're doing your own rooms. And then to start getting booked nationally, good fucking luck. You have to have some sort of a draw to get booked. I mean, unless you find someone to piggyback with, like someone who thinks you're funny

that takes you with them as a middle act or an opening act, good fucking luck getting booked anywhere. And you would think, because I think for a lot of feature acts, they come in with somebody, with a headliner. Club owners sometimes resent that, and you don't get booked back as a feature. You think that you're going to showcase for them as a feature for the headliner. But, you know, depending on the club, sometimes they would rather book their own features so they have a chip on their shoulder against that person. Yeah. Tom Segar was telling me this story about this guy. Someone couldn't make a show,

so they had to call for a replacement. The headliner? Well, Tom was the headliner, and the middle act couldn't make it. And so Tom wanted to use his buddy who was in town. And the manager's like, no, no, no. I already got someone coming. And she's like, you know, I prefer to use them. And he's like, but I already, I mean, touch with this guy.

He's five minutes away. He could be here. Well, it turns out the other guy was someone that she was fucking. Right. So she wanted to get her boyfriend to work as a middle. But he's like, well, do you understand? This is my show. Like, I don't want this guy. He's terrible. And so Tom was forced to work as a middle, but he's like, do you understand? This is my show. I don't want this guy.

He's terrible. So Tom was forced to work with this guy. The last time he worked with him, he said he did 45 minutes and then was selling T-shirts at the end and had this big pitch for people to go buy his shirts. It was the grossest thing ever. So now he's got to fucking work with this guy again. It's one of the big bummers about doing the road

if you don't have full control of the show. If you do the road like I do the road, we do the road, it's all our friends. And then it becomes a party. We might as well, if we're in Montreal or if we're in Florida, it's the same party. We're moving all over the place, but it's the same party.

And it forces you to get out of your room and go to a decent restaurant for dinner. Things become more of an event. Whereas if I'm alone, I will eat at Starbucks breakfast and lunch. That's how pathetic I am. It's a very lonely thing to be working on the road alone for like three or four days in a row.

It's very lonely. Yeah, I like it because, you know, like you, I got kids in the house. And even though I have an office, it's different. When I'm on the road, I fucking, I get up late, but I'm awake when I'm up. And then I work out, and then I listen to my show from the night before, and I take copious notes. And then I work on the set for that night, and then I weed all my fucking emails. And then I just go to the show with total focus.

Yeah. That's a big one, man, that a lot of comics don't like to do, listening to the show and taking notes. But I have gotten so much out of doing that. That's one of the best warm-ups, too, for me. If I'm going to do a show somewhere, I'll go over all of my notes, I'll set aside two hours where I just go over notes.

Usually the plane ride for me is that. It's perfect. Plane ride's perfect. You're focused, you're sitting there, you're not going anywhere, you can get coffee anytime you want. Boom. But going over those notes, that's number one. Then, listening to a set and like trying to figure out like

what order things should be in or what I forgot to do or what could be a good tag here. Sometimes you'll have a little thing in a recording that becomes this blossom that takes off. Right. It's just one little... And whatever the genesis of the joke was sometimes falls away entirely.

Yeah, it's so weird. It's like the way you get to an idea sometimes, it's just like... In that sense, it's so weird. It's like the way you get to an idea sometimes, it's just like, in that sense, it's almost a living thing. Like it's kind of growing and finding its own form as you're working it out on stage. And it's so subtle that you have to listen to the tape right away because then you can remember where your energy was at that moment

and what thoughts you were having at that moment. You can connect it all because the changes are so small yes like so and sometimes you'll hear doors that opened up that you didn't follow through on right like you're like oh there's another whole bit there oh my god like that happens all the time yeah or you'll go off on a little tangent and you just think after you went off thank god i got that recorded because I don't even remember exactly what I said. I forget everything when I get off stage. People would never know the weird sort of mindset unless they've done it, unless they've tried to do stand-up, but that weird

mindset when you're locked in in the groove, it's almost like you're there and you're focused and you're in the moment but you're also like completely blank and it's all just coming out of your mouth with no, you know, you're not clinging on to anything. It's all just flying out of your mouth.

You're locked into it. And it's almost like being a passenger in that sense. Yeah, you're an active passenger. It's almost like, I guess like sports, when you know the fundamentals well enough that you let go and you find, what do they call it? The zone? You're in the zone. And because you're so in the moment, you don't have that perspective of later on remembering what exactly you said.

And then you listen to it. I'll listen to it on tape and completely forget that I went into this place where somebody from the audience yells something out. And I think you and I are similar. I don't go counter. When somebody yells something out, I try to take it and use it if I possibly can. And sometimes it's fucking great because it came out of, they were in the moment too when they yelled something out.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's such a fine balance. Like sometimes it's not a problem at all when people yell out something in the right time. Right. And sometimes it's like a huge problem because you get one idiot who won't stop doing it. Right. And he's annoying everyone around him.

It's almost like it's a very fine line you walk. Because occasionally someone will yell something and it's hilarious. Well, especially if it's clearly when you're between bits. Yes, clearly. That's great. Yell it out then. I'm going to get a sip of water. You yell out an idea, but if I'm like that abortion bit, I'll fucking set that thing up, which is

that's a 9.8 difficulty level, doing an abortion joke that's pro life somewhat. And you build it up and it's fragile, man. You're standing on a house of cards because you haven't gotten to the laugh yet, and then someone yells something,

and you want to go out and punch them in the face because now you've got to lose the joke. Yeah, that becomes a real problem when people just can't keep quiet long enough to let someone do their thing. Right. It's also the combative nature of people when it comes to controversial ideas.

The ideas become very emotionally invested in the ideas, whether if it's abortion or war or being a vegan, a lot of times you get that same sort of reaction. So it's not just a matter of being attached to the idea, it's being emotionally connected to that idea succeeding. Right. And that you being against that idea, in your face and screaming and pointing fingers, becomes a weird human characteristic.

That's an unfortunate aspect to people when it comes to certain ideas. I mean, I've felt it myself. There's a natural inclination to be competitive. Just a knee jerk, right? Yeah, and it sort of feels like when you go to that place and you're trying to be honest, at the same time you want to say to the audience, hey, listen, I'm not a professor at a university you're paying tuition at. I'm not a speaker on NPR.

I tell dick jokes in front of drunks. Right. And if you have to challenge what I'm saying you're you're really taking everything too seriously but there is a point though as an audience member where we've all seen this one guy who goes on stage and is just essentially preaching right i mean we've all seen that and it gets to be this you know women should be the only ones who get to choose what they do and don't do to their body. And they're like pacing the stage. They wait for the applause break after it.

Yeah, and the problem is, these points to me are duh. It's of course they should. Of course murder's it bad. Of course you shouldn't rob people. Of course you shouldn't kick babies. Of course, duh. You don't have to say that.

I mean, in my world, you don't have to say those things. In my world, those things are a given. So let's start there. Right. You don't have to say those things. In my world, those things are a given. So let's start there. You don't have to just preach some really obvious shit that everyone's going to fucking agree with. And also, to me, it's like if you're doing a joke that is about an

issue, that's about gun control, that you're about gun control, do a joke about a detail that you have a point of view on. Don't announce, we are now going to take on gun control and here's my take on it. Right. To me, it's like bury that. Yeah, yeah.

And it's also I want to hear about it from a guy like you who I know is doing the work. I know that if you're going to go on stage, you have my full confidence that if you're going to present an idea on stage, especially a very controversial one, like a pro-life sort of a pro-fetus sort of an argument in a joke form. Like, whoo, I know that you have put together a little dance. Right. And I have to watch this dance completely play out. And it may have some turns in it. Exactly. But that knee-jerk thing where people attach themselves to ideas.

You're talking about abortion. Are you talking about... It's almost like they got a green light to be a dick. This guy's an asshole. Green light. Right. Wrong. Not true.

Propaganda. Liberal. Whatever they want to say to you. Whatever they want to say. I was in Lake Tahoe and I was talking about how we've been brainwashed to support billionaires in this country and in every other society when this few people had this much of the money they were dragged in the street, had their

heads chopped off and we split their shit and we should start killing billionaires. Well, it's obviously a ridiculous bit, but it's based in a feeling that I have of resentment of these people, right? Clearly a comedic extrapolation on an idea. And this dude fucking stands up in a casino in Lake Tahoe,

walks towards the stage screaming at me that I'm a socialist, which, by the way, I am, okay? I do believe we should share the shit more. So he walks up and somebody grabs him from coming up on stage. And I just keep baiting him. Now I'm like, I want this motherfucker on stage so bad. I am getting in his head. I'm making him implode.

So then they have to drag him out. As soon as he gets thrown out, another dude in the back row is up. He's pacing back and forth and i do the same thing i just look at him i go that's right i'll kill him my bare fucking hands i'll pull him out of a ferrari and uh and they just keep going and and it was like this instinct i had to create chaos because they they are not going to take my show no matter what it takes if i'm on a stage that's my fucking stage stage. And I will burn the place down before you take control of my show. Well, it becomes a real issue with folks who are not familiar with your material.

They're just going out to a quote-unquote comedy show. Well, that's a casino, yeah. Yeah, that's the problem. There's going to be a big difference between that and who comes to see you at the Bray Improv, for example. Most likely, those are going to be Greg Fitzsimmons fans. They're going to come, they're going to know what you do, and they're going to enjoy it. But when someone's just going out to see comedy

and you're giving them some really heavy duty subversive shit wrapped up in sarcasm, and it's like what? It's like their little feeble brains can't handle it. Right, right. Kill billionaires. What? The fuck? You know, billionaires made this fucking country.

What did they say? Because they believe they're going to be one. Yeah, it's always broke people too. Right. What is that about? Boy, did they do a brainwashed job on them. I applaud the Republican Party because, I should say, just the conservatives in general. The mind control that they have pulled off.

And now the Koch brothers just purchased like 11 Tribune newspapers, like big ones. That shouldn't be a problem. Right. It's not like Rupert Murdoch editorialized news at all. They're brothers that own Coca-Cola, by the way? No. They're into textiles and paper. I think what's fascinating too about the idea of someone

getting upset, like a poor person getting upset about billionaires and calling you a socialist or calling you a communist. You're the people that would benefit the most from this not being the case. This idea, pull yourself up by

your bootstraps. Those guys almost never do because the billionaires, if they're in a situation and you're saying something they disagree with, they don't stand up and scream. They get the fuck out of there. Right.

You know why? Because they don't want anybody knowing they're a billionaire. When you're a fucking billionaire and you're just walking around, you're like a bank on wheels. Right. You can't just go places.

You know? You can't like Oprah Winfrey. Do you think Oprah Winfrey can just go places? Everywhere Oprah goes, she must have some sort of protection with her. She must have some big men and cars that ricochet bullets off of. And do you know how many lawsuits are filed? Like I talk, I'm not going to say who, but a really, really rich, famous person. Fucking 14 lawsuits at that time against them. Wow.

Because it's, why wouldn't you? You have any contact with this person that doesn't go well, fuck it. They'll settle out of court. I'll grab a couple hundred thousand dollars. Did you see what happened with Oprah Winfrey recently? She said that she was subjected to racism while shopping in Switzerland.

Former talk show host tells Entertainment Tonight she was in a Zunich store when she asked an employee if she could examine a large purse. According to Winfrey, the employee repeatedly refused, saying that the purse was too expensive. Really? Yeah. Wow. The employer told her,

no, you don't want to see that one. You want to see this one because that one costs too much. You won't be able to afford that, and I don't want to hurt your feelings. Wow. Well, those are the't want to hurt your feelings. Wow. Well, those are the whitest people in the world. But could you imagine what a colossal fuck-up it is to say that to Oprah Winfrey? Bad for the country.

They fucked it up for their whole country. But stop and think just for a moment of all the people that you didn't think was rich. Right. Oprah fucking Winfrey. She's one of the richest humans that have ever walked the face of the planet. With one of the biggest platforms to communicate what you just did on the planet. I mean, how many women are richer than Oprah Winfrey, especially like self-made? There's a woman in Australia who I think is the richest person in Australia, and she's worth more than Oprah.

Wow. She wanted to buy it for Tina Turner. So it's a double whammy, you know? What's love got to do, got to do with it? She was in Switzerland for Tina Turner's wedding. She's trying to buy her a beautiful purse. Wow. Wow, that is fucking crazy.

That is crazy. What a dummy. Again, that's a racist thing. When I first heard about it, I was like, oh, come on. That's probably not racist. That is 100% racist. When I first heard about it, this is how fucking gross I am. I immediately dismissed it.

I was like, eh, racism. She ain't fucking mad. Stop complaining. You're Oprah Winfrey. All right. And then I went, oh. Then you actually read the story and you go, oh, like, eh, racism. She ain't fucking mad. Stop complaining. You're Oprah Winfrey. And then I went, oh. Then you actually read the story and you go, oh yeah, that's racism. That's it. Isn't this a fucking store? There's a store, right? And you're selling

shit and someone wants to see it because they want to buy it and you're like, nah, not you. Yeah, but what if like a white woman came like two minutes later and they said, no, this is too expensive. You can look at it. Well, why do they have the purse and the shit? It could be. It's probably something you have to get a meeting with. You have to put down a credit card. It's probably some kind of, it might be that expensive

where they're like, it's not even really for sale. It's just big shit for people. Oprah needs shit like this to happen, though. It's a purse, man. Oprah needs this shit to happen because her life is so insolent. Like you said, there's always bodyguards around. You can't just walk out.

She doesn't get shit like that that she can then go on TV and talk about. She loved it. You think she's not looking for that? Not to dismiss it. I'm with you, Joe. This is racism. But her fucking twat wetted up when this happened. Did you hear what Chong's daughter called Oprah?

Yeah, she was very rude. Tommy Chong? Yeah, and then Chong defended her. Did he really? Yeah. What did he say? There's a video of him just saying, you know, like, she would be. Well, what she said was about that Oprah would be the first person to run to the most powerful person in the room

and kiss their ass and become their best friend. Does he know her? I think she called her. She did a movie with her. Yeah. And I think she called her a house n-word A field n-word Oh a field n-word Is that worse than a house n-word? They have to be outside

It's not even in the house The house ones I think are seen as more Compromised by the white man Or docile That makes sense Then it's mean. Then what she said is mean. Saying that she's a sellout to white people.

Well, how can you be upset about someone who's a slave? That doesn't even make sense. That's funny because you have white people that have black audiences and nobody calls them a sellout. That's true, right? Yeah. Or what about white people with white audiences? Right.

You know, if any, just because she's black and she has a white audience, like, so fucking what? There's a lot of black women like her, too. She obviously taps into a vein. It's not my vein.

It's not your vein. Never got it. Yeah. But guess what? People are different than you and I. Right. There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah.

I like Oprah. I think Oprah is, like, a really positive person, which she promotes to me, despite the fact that she's, like, a super billionaire. She promotes to me is that you can think positive, you a really positive person, which she promotes to me, despite the fact that she's like a super billionaire. She promotes to me is that you can think positive. You can make shit happen.

You can do things. You can be nice to people. You can promote good causes. Talk about healthy food. She's a multinational corporation, and she chooses to spend a lot of that money on schools in Africa, learning programs here. She's a role model for women and black people. And she interviews a lot. She did. I mean, she had a lot of gossipy sort of interviews, especially back in the day.

Bill Burr had a great joke about how she actually made her career. You know, about she can't get all high and mighty now because we remember how you got there in the first place. She had like a crazy Maury Povich type show. People forget that. I was hanging out with Al Madrigal. It was one of the first times. She had like a crazy Maury Povich type show. Right. You know, if you go to the old one. I was hanging out with Al Madrigal.

It was one of the first times I ever met him. When Al was a, he was the host at the Old Cobbs. Do you remember the Old Cobbs? Right. Did you ever do it? Yeah. It was like 100. I was there the night it burned down.

I was on stage when it burned down. Really? Right. Oh my God. Yeah. How many seats was that? 150? 125.

125. What a great room. You were there actually when the fire broke out. Right. Oh, my God. Yeah. How many seats was that? 150? 125. 125. What a great room. You were there actually when the fire broke out. Right. Firemen ran in and told everybody to get out of the building. Helmets on, axes. People ran out. There was fucking shit falling off the buildings.

Holy shit. And I stood in the street and I watched the thing burn to the ground. It was crazy. What started that fire? Next door was a hotel they were renovating. And it was like an oily rag kind of thing. And then it crossed over because it was called the Cannery. And it's an old walkway with the buildings pretty close together.

And, you know, those San Francisco buildings are from like the 1820s. And that's always been the problem with San Francisco is that if there's a fire, all buildings are connected. Right. Like a lot of those buildings on those hills. And it's windy, so it's blowing the flames. And it's hills, so everything goes up. It's like, I mean, they have terrible fires.

The earthquake and fire, what was it, like the 1800s? 1800s. Then they had that other one in 94, right? There were some fires attached to that one too,

wasn't there? No, not 89, right? Was it 89? I think that was the earthquake in 89, wasn't it? Where they got hit really hard or was that 91? they hit it by earthquake and fire during the uh world series world series fuck yeah that's right i remember that that was nuts yeah that's a crazy place to

live san francisco is a badass city though so i was there with al magical and we had just did work together and we were smoking pot with him and his friends and we're sitting in his parents house his parents had this dope house on the hill and we were smoking pot with him and his friends. And we were sitting in his parents' house. His parents had this dope house on the hill. And we were watching Oprah Winfrey, old school Oprah Winfrey. And I'll never forget, we were sitting there. It was one of the first times I ever met Al. And we were watching the show, and we were like, damn, look how crazy Oprah used to look.

She used to have this crazy hair. Right, right. And she was interviewing these racists, these real heavy-duty white supremacists. And it wasn't like the chastising holier-than-thou Oprah of today. It was like the scared Oprah who was just starting. She was almost like a newspaper reporter or a newscaster. It wasn't like the confident, powerful, iconic figure Oprah. It was weird.

It's like, wow, this woman, she worked her way up. Yeah, she became like a lioness. She became more graceful and powerful as she got older. And don't forget, she won an Oscar for Color Purple. Yeah, no shit. She, I mean, if you stop and think about it, how many other women have ever done that and risen to that level? They get close and then they fucking, theyie o'donnell it right i mean ellen ellen looked like she was going there and then the

show kind of flatlined a little i mean i think it's a successful show but it didn't it didn't grow into the empire that oprah has rosie had a good show on the uh oprah winfrey network but the for whatever reason tv show or radio show she was was a TV show. I did it. Oh, yeah? She was very nice. She was in Chicago, right? Yes. Yeah, she was at Oprah's place. Yeah, she was a brutal boss. I know some people that worked on that show. Oh, really? Apparently, they just cleaned house one day, everybody. Oh, really?

Yeah. She's a tough boss. Well, she's a lesbian. She's like a dude. Right. You think she's a lesbian? That's what I've heard. No. Rosie O'Donnell? Oh, fuck. I'm sorry. I'm talking about Oprah. Oh, no, no, no. I thought you were talking about Rosie.

No, Rosie is, yes, I believe, a lesbian. She's a powerful lesbian. She's a big conspiracy theorist. Is she? Oh, yeah. Tower 7. A big Tower 7 person. I just watched another Tower 7 video with Ed Asner. I was like, if Ed Asner's now getting involved with Tower 7, the big Tower 7 person. I just watched another Tower 7 video with Ed Asner. I was like, if Ed Asner's now, they're getting involved with Tower 7 videos. And it was the most legit Tower 7 video I saw.

Ed Asner's on board? Yeah, yeah. Wow. But still, it's like they never talk about the whole video is very believable, but they never talk about the humongous chunk of building that was missing on one side, you know? They always talk about, well, this is like impossible because, you know, this happened

and this happened. They talk about what? The way it melted? Yeah, there's like, there's no office fire that's ever taken down a, you know, building and how the columns, like, you know, this one was damaged and that made everyone, all of them, but they also don't talk about the big humongous hole that's missing in the building. Not once in that video did they talk about the big hole in the missing building.

Joe Rogan, your take on Tower 7. There's most certainly a giant hole and diesel fires through the whole building. That said, I have never seen a building collapse into its foundation like that that wasn't a controlled demolition. It doesn't mean that it can't happen, because obviously I'm not an architect, but I know that they have that architects and engineers for 9-11 truth. There's like 2,000 people involved in that,

and they all have this belief that that would have never happened under natural circumstances. But out of those 2,000, how many more thousands disagree? I don't know that. I don't have that information. It might be 2,000 believe that, but it might be 150,000, how many more thousands disagree? I don't know that. I don't have that information. It might be 2,000 believe that, but it might be 150,000 think it's nonsense because of X or Y. Well, the government pointed to this, or might have commissioned Popular Mechanics, I believe, did the definitive report, which said that everything was legit. But that felt a little

too neat. Yeah, that's a Hearst publication, man. William Randolph Hearst. That's the same guy who made marijuana illegal. That's the same guy who put stories. I mean, with Hearst publications. Is that like 1930? Yeah, 30 whatever it was, 35 or something like that. I mean, he put in stories about these blacks and Mexicans. Oh, raping?

Raping white women because they got hooked on this marijuana. That's where the term marijuana came from. Before that, marijuana was a slang for a wild Mexican tobacco. No marijuana. Right. That's where the term marijuana came from. Before that, marijuana was a slang for a wild Mexican tobacco. No shit. Yeah. Oh, he's a bad motherfucker. Wow.

It was all because of hemp. Hemp, the commodity, he was going to have to switch his paper over. He was going to switch his paper over to hemp because hemp is a superior paper and he was going to have to switch.

He had forests that he would chop down and make trees out of because he had paper mills because he not only had newspapers, he also had paper mills. So in this battle over the commodity of hemp, he demonized it as being connected to this drug that was making black and Mexicans rape white women. Right. And then in 1970, they commissioned a big study. The government did. And then they, I think they made another law or...

Well, 1970 was a sweeping psychedelic act that made everything illegal. That was when it was like Category 1 drugs. Everything. Yeah, actually, what's really fascinating is the Category 1 drugs are less dangerous in a lot of ways than Category 2 drugs. Like Category 1 is marijuana, but 2, Schedule 2, is cocaine and heroin. Because they're considered less addictive? No, they're way more addictive, way more dangerous, way more toxic. LD50 rates much higher or much lower with lethal dose at 50%. Like you can kill yourself pretty easy on either one of

those, heroin or cocaine. Nobody in the history of time has ever OD'd on marijuana. Exactly. Marijuana is not going to kill you. So the idea that one of them is a Schedule 1, which is marijuana, which is the most illegal, and those two are Schedule 2, is one of the kookiest fucking things. It's so crazy. It's the kookiest things ever. In this weed movie, Gupta talks about how the level of addiction with marijuana was way overstated, and every new study shows that it's like a 10% rate, as opposed to like a 30% or 40% rate with heroin and cocaine. And there's people that are addicted to everything.

You can get into that until the sun comes home. There's people that are addicted to playing online poker, physically addictive. I've been addicted to playing video games. I know that feeling. It is very much like an addiction. It's a compulsive, gnawing away at your consciousness feeling. And that could happen with almost anything. It could certainly happen with marijuana.

But psychological versus physiological. Yeah, psychological versus physiological. And psychological is a real issue. It's a real issue. But it's an issue for almost everything that exists. And when you're dealing with giant numbers, like how many people smoke marijuana, Jesus Christ, you're talking about millions and millions and millions of fucking people in this country.

Millions. So out of those, you're going to get a couple of losers of losers okay you're going to get a few people that can't keep their shit together you're going to get a few people that would have fallen off the rails if it was sniffing glue or huffing doritos yeah so is it tricky for even intelligent people certainly can be conditions vary biology varies but for most part, we've been sold a packed shit. Yeah, and it feels... Packed shit? Piled of shit. And it feels like the tide is changing, right? I mean, it's...

Yes. This was a big one. Yeah, this is huge. That's Sanjay Gupta. That's the guy who was also accused of being a shill because he was getting paid millions of dollars by... Or thousands of dollars, excuse me, I'm not exaggerating paid millions of dollars by, or thousands of dollars, excuse me, I'm not exaggerating,

thousands of dollars by the pharmaceutical companies. Right, like blood pressure medication or something? I don't know what it was, but Dr. Drew apparently got a little cash

on his side too. You know, dog, listen, man, I ain't just running shit on TV for my own personal benefit.

I gots to wet my beak, motherfucker. I love nice cars, dog. I like pretty shiny shit. Give the doctor a taste now. I don't think there's anything wrong with a good doctor getting consultations or giving consultations

or making some money. Nothing wrong with that. It's just... I think it's against the Hippocratic Oath. But when it isn't? I would think so. I mean, they're supposed to be as neutral as possible. They're scientists. And I think if they're dispensing advice that can affect your life, your health, and they're getting money for it.

But, Greg, these people have taken an oath. Surely they would only do good. Right. And just the fact that this company is making them hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, that doesn't mean that they'd be willing to say things they wouldn't ordinarily say. It's true. They would only sign on for the ones that they absolutely believe in. That's it.

That's the only way they do it. Right. That's how doctors roll. Doctors are different than all other people that have ever existed, in fact. And judges. Yes. Judges are all completely unaffected by the political party that got them into office. Oh, we're fucked.

It's a stupid system, isn't it? It's a crazy system. But, you know, it seems to me that this pot thing, I feel really excited about some of the trends that we're getting with legalized gay marriage, with, you know, legalized marijuana. I think these are big fucking cracks in the wall. I think so, too. I think it's also, there's an understanding that people are finally getting that we've been sort of sold this bill of goods

that it's conservative versus liberal. Okay, look, folks, now we have a liberal president and everything's exactly the same. Exactly. Okay, it's got to stop. Like, at this point in time, when a guy who is a fucking half-black son of a single parent, when that guy is doing the same shit and it's running exactly the same way, you've got to go, okay.

Sounds horribly wrong. We've been sold a bill of goods. Right. And we're duking it out with each other over gay marriage and nonsense. Let's just get married. Who gives a fuck? And then I think slowly but surely as people realize that this immediate connection with homosexual being like liberal, something wrong with the way they've been raised, delinquent, evil, anti-Christian. They got AIDS because they deserved it. Like these ideas, these are ridiculous.

And at a certain point in time, people are going, oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I thought gay people were trying to recruit people. Like people are slowly starting to, like, realize that it's a stupid idea. If you could put three things on the table that should be dealt with and talked about and change should be made versus all these window dressing things, even abortion? Those are all, they affect, people deal with it how they want to deal with it. What are the things that you think should be in the public discourse right now?

The biggest one would be people being able to vote on everything. Everything that gets done. Every war act. Unless it's immediate defense of life. Those situations like Pearl Harbor. They've been attacked. Get the boats out of there. Shoot back. That type of a scenario.

Everything other than that, I think there should be an educated discourse. And that's the only way that you have a government that acts in representation of the people itself. Most people would not be for most of the things that happen, especially if they were educated about the ramifications. This is the actual motivation. Here's the pros and cons. Here's the conspiracy theory. If we looked at it all from an educated standpoint, much less would slip through the cracks. But If we looked at it all from an educated standpoint, much

less would slip through the cracks. But because we're being taken care of... And they have to make it easy because what it comes down to is who will be motivated to actually go to the polls and vote. It's got to be on your fucking laptop with a code. There is votes once a week? Yeah. People

will say that, oh, you can't fucking... Someone's going to hack into it. Guess what else you can do online? Bank. Okay, you can bank online. It's the nutty, that's way nuttier than check left for yes and right for no. Putting your money, your fucking ones and zeros in some weird account somewhere and moving around. It's on plastic and you run it through the machine at the gas station. That's fucking way nuttier than voting.

Right. Way nuttier. They've hacked into, you know, you look at what they've hacked into with WikiLeaks online. They've got national secret, you know, nuclear codes are online. Think about the number of transactions that take place banking-wise every day online. And then add to those stock market transactions. Add to those loans. People are getting loans online.

You know, I mean, there's the amount of transactions that are taking place are fucking staggering. Trillions probably every day. Probably. Yeah, so it seems like, yeah, if you could, the problem is like with the voting booths, it turns out there was a Republican, one of the main Republican fundraisers in Florida was the guy that designed the voting booths for Florida.

It's like, all right, we got to pick a fucking company to set up software to vote that is from Switzerland. They don't like black people, but they're neutral to us voting. Well, it's just one person. This is not representing the entire country. One person fucked up with Oprah. Maybe Oprah tries to fuck with people, and she goes and gets made up like a homeless lady, puts fake scabs. She's just looking to talk shit. Very obnoxious.

Sort of like a kung fu master might pretend to be a drunk and stumble into a bar to get people to push him around so he can fuck people up. I've met people who have done that before. Maybe that's what Oprah did. She's leaving out part of this story. Right. She's like, well, you also think that I could get to that purse? Let me check out that purse. Oh, man, that purse is the shit.

Y'all give me a Toblerone bone and one of those purses. Can you imagine if Oprah was a troll and she just goes around? She's bored with being a billionaire. So she goes around just trying to get people to talk shit. Just entrapping people. Bitch, I'm Oprah! Smack! That's her new show. Bitch, I'm Oprah.

At a certain point in time, if she really wants to go out gangster, now's the time to really go for it. Bitch, I'm Oprah should be the name of her next show. You should run it. I would run that because I understand the black people. I have written on about five black shows, and I don't know why, but my first writing job was on Cedric the Entertainer Presents.

Cedric, St. Louis black guy who fucking sings and dances. I get hired to write his monologues. Just me. Wow. Then I go on. I wrote on. Let me ask you that before you stop. How did you do that? What was the process?

Well, Louis C.K. was on the show and I told him, look, I haven't seen my one-year-old son in a year because I've been on the road so much. I need a writing job. So he sets up a meeting with Cedric and I came in and I pitched him a few ideas for monologues. And I said, well, why are black people always the first ones kicked off reality shows?

If there's a vote, if it's Survivor, you could be like, Tyrone, I know you were a Green Beret, you saved us from that barracuda, you set up the tent during the storm, but you're black, man.

Hit the pavement. So I gave him like three ideas like that and he was like, sold. And then we would sit, the shows were taped on Friday night,

so on Monday, I'd just hang out in his office with him for like an hour and we would sit the shows were taped on Friday night so on Monday I just hang out in his office with him for like an hour and we would just shoot the shit you know not topical ideas just you know anything and we'd shoot the shit and the writer's assistant

would sit there tap tap tap tap writing everything we said down and then I'd have a couple days to kind of compile it tweak it punch it up show it to him

and then he'd go yeah I like this. I like that. And that was it. Friday, getting makeup put on. Meanwhile, you got to remember, he would rehearse and choreograph an entire dance number. He was incredible. And so he would come out on stage, do a dance number with the sensation dancers, finish, hit his mark, and do the monologue. No teleprompter, no cue cards. All he had was me. After Wednesday, I would sit in his makeup room while he was getting made up, and I would be like, give him like one sheet of paper. You know, we're going to talk about the Amish, and you hit this beat, this beat, this beat, this beat. You go out on this joke.

the Amish and you'd hit this beat, this beat, this beat, this beat. You go out on this joke. Got it. Okay. Thanks, Greg. Thanks. Fitz dog. He'd nail it every time. Wow. So that was, that's, that must've been a fun gig to write in someone else's voice. Yeah. Yeah, it was. And, and it was great as I was surrounded by, you know, it was Louis CK and Jay Johnson and, uh, it's all black writers except for me and Louis. Wow. And so it was like on tape night, it was fucking crazy.

We would, every guy's office was a different vibe. You know, one guy had the fucking bong. It was just pot. And the next one, there were these girls called the Dangerous Dimes. Because dimes with black people is she's a 10. And they were these girls and all of a sudden on tape night you'd see,

it looked like prostitutes had just gotten off a bus walking through with fucking micro mini dresses and those thick black thighs and stiletto heels. Did you ever close a door and whack one off?

Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, tell me. No, I mean, not with one. I mean, I used to. No, no, I mean, like close a door. Right.

You just, oh, into a sink. I mean, I used to. No, no, I mean, like, close a door. Right. You just go into a sink. Right on your feet. On that show, I was jerking off in the men's room one time, and it was the first week of work. And the men's room had a urinal and one stall. Stall. And I'm in there, and I'm jerking off, and and I'm just climaxing and the door to the stall opens and it's my boss it's the show runner

and I doubled over and he went oh oh and he walked out and I waited like 15 minutes and I came back in the writers room just looked at my computer and nothing said about it for like a week I'm like am I going to get fired

and then we're talking one day, and somebody's talking about taking a shit. And he goes, Jesus, I walked in on Fitzsimmons the other day. He was like double-dory. I locked the door next time, and I was like, thank you. You thought I was taking a shit. Oh, that's so funny. So you were sitting down jerking off.

Right, on the toilet seat. Wow. Yeah. Well, he thought you were just struggling. He thought I was struggling. Meanwhile, you're shooting one onto the floor. Where were you coming? I would take toilet paper and I'd put it over the crown and I would just kind of slap.

Oh, yeah. That would look like you're about to wipe. Like he walked in and you're about to wipe. Right. Wow. Wow, that's a very anal move to cover your load with toilet paper. Catch it. It never happened.

That's right. You never see it. It never happened. Shame be gone. It's a good idea. They should do that at the end of a fleshlight. It should be all tissues. Catch it.

Doesn't it seem like there should be a condom in a fleshlight that you can just remove like a liner? Yeah, but then you'd lose the feeling. That patented rubber is patented for a reason. Yeah, it's too mushy to be that thin. If it was that thin, it probably wouldn't feel that good. You're no longer a spokesperson for the fleshlight, correct? So sad. I'm sorry.

That was one of the things where more people told me not to do it Than almost anything I've ever done Do you regret it? No, why? It's something you fuck Who cares? The idea that it's evil or seedy

What are you pretending you don't like something touching your penis? Are we really pretending that? Or are we pretending it's only noble if you do it with your hands? Are you allowed to use lube? Are you allowed to do it? No, no, no. You can only jerk off out of necessity. You have to dry dick it.

In the shower. You have to just be upset with yourself the entire time. Let's just get this over with really quickly. No, people look forward to jerking off, and that's why there's a billion porn tapes out there, and that's why flashlights sell like hotcakes. You know what's crazy is you think about all the sexual positions you'll have with your partner.

You're always trying to be creative, try something new. It's exciting. And most people jerk off. Most people. How the fuck do I know? Do I know? I know that I don't try anything. When I was a teenager, you know, I'd fuck everything.

You know, my pillow. And now it's just like same type of porn, usually the same spot. Oh, man. Yeah. Do you get any of the webcam stuff?

Have you tried that? I never liked the webcam. I remember one time I had a date with this chick. It was just after high school and I kind of had a thing for her in high school

but we never did anything and they were going to meet up. And she was like DTF. Like completely down to fuck. And I was working. I was doing construction and I was so horny thinking about it all day because it had been a while since I got some that I jerked off twice at work.

Not once. Twice. Twice. I jerked off once in a bathroom and one time I shot a load out a door. I was working in an unfinished basement and it had like a basement door. I was working in an unfinished basement. And it had like a basement door and I just looked around. But then that night when I hooked up with the girl, I could barely get it up. I was tired from work because I had a construction job.

It was like at the end of the day, you were beat. And I was beating off all day. So that made me tired. And I just like my desire was gone. I had already come twice in a day. Like an idiot. Yeah. Like, once is a good move. But twice is ridiculous. I can't even do that.

I'm one-time Charlie. I was, like, I was working this club early on. I was, like, the opening act to Catch a Rising Star down in Princeton, New Jersey. Oh, I remember that gig. Yeah. It was near the college. Near the college. And you stayed in the hotel.

And it was a beautiful Hyatt. So it was a gig that all the New York comics like. You take the train an hour and 20 minutes down, and you stay in a nice hotel. Good room. Anyway, so there was this one chick, and, you know, there's always the one girl that people know. Oh, yeah, when you're there, Jenny, she'll take care of you. You know, she's the one that fucks comics. So we go out to, like, a Red Robin restaurant after the show, and she's flirting with me.

So we go out to like a Red Robin restaurant after the show, and she's flirting with me. And she was like a physical therapist with short blonde hair and was really rock hard body. I'm taking my pants off right now. Good rack. Good solid rack. And so we're talking. I go, well, you want to go to my – she goes, I can't really go in the hotel because I work there. And she goes, you know what? Just let me in the back door.

So I let her in the back door, and she comes up to my room. And she is, what do you call it, down to fuck? She is DTF. So she goes down and she blows me, and I blast. And then she wants to make love with me. Too late. And for the only time in my life I couldn't keep it up. And she got pissed and yelled at me and left.

Ooh, she yelled at you. Not got pissed and yelled at me and left. She yelled at you? Not yelled, but she was frustrated and disappointed in me and it came through. Were you sober at the time? Yeah. You just had nothing left? I can't do that. I've never been able to do that.

It's funny that she got mad. I would get mad too if I was a girl. I've never been able to do that. It's funny that she got mad. I would get mad too if I was a girl. I get it. Well, that's why I always say with oral sex, there's no upside for women. For us, there's an upside because if we go down on her, she's ready to rock after that.

Everyone's getting laid after you go down on her. If she goes down on you, you may just leave. It's so sad. Sad to be a woman. I know. It is. But think of having babies grow inside you.

That's the benefit. That's the upside. Yeah, if you give a guy a blowjob, he can't get it up again. But you can make people with your pussy. Right. Did you guys hear Virgin Airlines is doing comedy now on the actual airplane? No, they're not. They used to do that on the flights to London, right?

Please tell me that's not the case. Yeah, and you can go on their Twitter page and find out who's playing and stuff. But can you imagine that was your job? Like, I'm playing for the next week in the air. You know what? That would be hilarious. Bring a friend and videotape it and just do fucking crazy shit. Yeah. That would be hilarious. Bring a friend and videotape it and just do fucking crazy shit. Yeah.

That would be awesome. Remember the time me and Joe got hired to just be funny at an aquarium in Boston for a corporation? It was like their Christmas party. And we got hired and we're like, oh, great, we're going to do stand-up at this Christmas party. And then they tell us, no, no, no, just walk around and do funny stuff. Like, no one knew we were comedians because it was like, you know, a couple hundred people. So everybody didn't know each other. And like, we're eating off people's plates and making fun of their ties.

And we were just, people fucking hated us. It wasn't working. Just to say for the record, I did not eat off anybody's plate. But Greg did. Greg did. And a guy, he was just being funny with a big smile on his face, took a guy's strawberry, and this guy

wanted to kill him. And I was like, oh my God, this guy's going to hit him. Something's going to go, and the guy just goes, you're a fucking asshole. And it was like, whoa. This got real. So I just went in the corner and started eating fucking hors d'oeuvres, and then all of a sudden, I hear on the loudspeaker, I hear Joe.

He found the microphone. And he's like, attention, any parent with a child with a blue sweater, he's now floating in the shark tank. Please report to security. And people thought it was real. It was fucking. I don't. Did we get kicked out or we just left?

I think something like that happened. That's hilarious. I know I didn't get paid. I didn't get paid. I don't think I got paid. out or we just left? I think something like that happened. That's hilarious. I know I didn't get paid. I didn't get paid. I don't think I got paid. It was like 200 bucks. The whole thing was a mess. We should, it should have never happened.

No one should have ever like got a bunch of 20-year-old comedians and said, go do whatever you want to do at this aquarium. It was terrible. It was an ad agency trying to be creative, trying something new. Oh, you dummies. I think the plane thing would be fine as long as you didn't have to be a part of the show. Like, what if you're trying to get some work done and the guy's like, where are you from, sir?

You're like, oh, no. I'm sorry, I have an hour. Oh, somebody's an asshole. Doesn't want to play along. Oh, I've got an hour. I've got to work. I have to do things I have to do. I didn't know I was going to have to react to you.

It's almost like you should be in a soundproof booth and the people that want to hear you put on their headphones but if you don't want to hear it you can't hear it creepier like like a whack-off booth right you're a comedian yeah and if you don't have the headphones you just like that's too complicated where do you think the comic would stand i guess what if the first class people would probably be pissed they'd be the most likely to say this is bullshit I don't want to see

a fucking comedian I gotta do my spreadsheet so maybe it would be like in the middle like when first class separates to coach right they'll stand right there

right do their little act meanwhile first class if they want to do it right I don't know if this has been done I think Playboy or Hooters had a plane at one point

Hooters had a plane? yeah yep that was my dream to take it but there was one flight, and it was like Oklahoma to Florida. It was totally booked all the time. Oklahoma, like people would fly to Oklahoma just to fly to Florida. Well, you know, I'm going to transfer over to Hooters. Oh, my God, two-stop shop.

But imagine getting a lap dance in first class on a flight. That'd be awesome. That'd be so fucking great. Red eyes. Oh, that'd be amazing. Because I could have,

you know, five hours of really high-end strippers just walking around gently giving lap dance. No fucking Van Halen blasting. Just cool, cool lap dances.

Just like really slow music. Right. Nice and sensual. Dark lights. Throwing their tits in your face and just gently knocking them back and forth while you sit there and go. The lap dance is a very strange creation. It is. Eddie Bravo has a fucking hilarious story about the birth of the lap dance.

He was working in a comedy club, and he saw the lap dance become a feature. And before that, it was just the women would dance on stage. And then it was like, well, we got a new thing. You're going to be able to do lap dances. And most of the girls were like, fuck that. I'm not sitting on anybody's fucking lap dance. It's a big line to cross. Yeah, but one girl did.

And the first day, this one girl made just fucking ass piles of money. And so after that, there was like one extra girl the next day, and then two girls, and then four, and before you know it, they were all doing it. But it took a while. They had to just start bringing in money.

And the only girl... I mean, people would be waiting in line to get lap dances from this one girl. This one girl was just sitting on everybody's dick, bare pussy. They're allowed to do that. They sit on your dick, bare pussy. Where? Everywhere. No shit.

Yeah, everywhere that doesn't serve alcohol. God damn. Yeah, it's crazy. It's beautiful. When I was in Montreal, and Montreal is pretty famous for the strip clubs. And I was there for six nights. I didn't go to one, and I just had no fucking... I figured I might go.

Who knows? People go as a group. Right. I don't know. I think that... You were over it? I think I'm over it. I don't know why.

I don't know if it's because I have a daughter, or it just... I don't know. Massage parlors are so much cheaper. It is if you think about the actual, if you go to the right ones and get the actual result you're looking for. Yeah. How much does that cost? Oh, it depends what you want. What do you want?

He's going to jerk you off. Oh, you mean there's somewhere. He's going to go, okay, come on back. They're going to open up that curtain. Brian's got a table set up back there. You'd get a lot more guests on the podcast. He'd come back with a wig on. There'd be like 10 guests in here every day. Hand job places

are more common, but blowjob places are pretty easy, and full-on sex places, there's about 20 that I know of here in Los Angeles. 20? Jesus! And how much is it to go get a massage and a hand job? A massage and a hand job, you'll be in and out with an hour massage for like 80 bucks.

Jesus Christ. It would be nice if it also came with a magic wand. You press it to the back of their head and they forget everything that happened. Yeah. They develop the ability to zap someone and you lose the last 30 minutes of memory. Just complete full erasure. Oh, you don't want the masseuse remembering who you are? Well, you could sneak out that way.

You don't have to feel ashamed. Like nothing ever happened. Right, right, right. You don't want to masseuse remembering who you are? Well, you could sneak out that way. You don't have to feel ashamed. Like, nothing ever happened. Right, right, right. You don't want to know. Nothing ever happened. Wait, so how does that work? They usually say, I go to massage places that are like $39, $45. Those are the places usually.

Do those places offer the happy ending? Well, like I've said before, you can go to rubmaps.com to find out exactly which places to go to. Rubmaps. Rub, like R-U-B. Rub your dick. Don't go to Rugmaps. Yeah, Rugmaps. This is a confusing fucking website.

What is Brian Redband talking about? Right. But most places do. The big thing is that when you usually go to these $40 places, you're usually keeping your underwear on. You're usually putting a towel over you. You're not doing anything to make them think that you want anything different. So what you do is the easiest thing is just to take off all your clothes. That's the big thing.

Like just take it all off, throw all your towels on the floor, just let her put a towel on you if she wants to. And then she'll start rubbing it, you know, and then you just kind of like, you know, move around a little. I'm not looking to do it. I'm just wondering how it works. He's giving a seminar on how to get jerked off at a really seedy massage parlor. And just start rubbing her, you know.

And does she say it'll cost you this much? Usually it's just given. Like, you just tip. Like, you just look up. If she's going to give you a hand job, that's like $40. It's kind of like a law. But what if you only gave her $10? Blow job's $80. Sex is $ law. But what if you only gave her 10? Blowjob is 80, sex is 100.

If you just gave her 10, would she say something? Maybe. Some places will. She probably would if she's an older person. A lot of the older ladies, they've been around so long, their hands are the softest. Oh, God! He's doing material now. No, I'm not. It's true.

They have the softest hands in the world. It's like a little kid's hand. They've been jerking guys off forever. It's like climbing up a rope for a year of your life. But opposite. Yeah. It's opposite? Yeah, because it's just skin and oils.

That's right. There's oil on her hand every day. She's rubbing it back and forth. But it doesn't matter. I never thought of that. Your skin gets more brittle as you get older. There's no way of getting around it. You can't get around it with soaking it in oil.

They're going to have a leathery old softball mitt. That's why you've got to do it. Greasy, leathery softball mitt jerking you up. It's like Tom Cos soup. That's why you should have them use their feet. Why is it that someone's breath, like someone with stinky breath, is one of the worst turn-offs in the history of the world? Without a doubt.

If someone's talking to you and their breath stinks, I mean, even like for having a conversation with someone, even non-sexual. But if you're attracted to a girl and you start talking to her and her breath stinks, you're like, oh, God. Game over. What do you do? Do you tell her? Do you try to be polite? That's funny you say that because I had a really good friend for a lot of years, and she was cute.

You know, she was like a solid seven and a half to eight. But she had shit breath? Shit breath. Great personality. Fucking single, no dates, and her breath stank. And I didn't know. I think I erred in not just anonymously sending her a note or an email. You never told her?

I never said anything. And, you know, a lot of times I think it's probably like tooth decay or something. Yes, gingivitis. I mean, if it smells like an antique bookstore, that usually means that you have some kind of like gingivitis. Well, it's a bit of like a rotting smell. Yeah. Yeah. It. Old joke.

Yeah. It's really bad. I mean, people with like, if you have, I had a root canal once. I had an old filling. I'd crack my tooth, and then they'd filled it in, but then somehow or another under the filling, it started to go bad.

So they had to drill in and give me a root canal, and as he went through the tooth, it popped into the abscess, and it made this horrible smell. It was so nasty, man. Like, I could smell, like, rot. I go, ew. I go, is that, like, the rotten tooth that smells like that? He goes, yeah, that's what they smell like when you open them up.

I go, that's nasty. Whoa. Yeah. And that's just living in your gums. Inside my tooth. Like, it had a drill through my tooth. I had cracked underneath. I have some cracks on my teeth from lifting weights.

From gritting your teeth? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Like I went to the doctor once and the dentist, and he was like, do you like grind your teeth at night when you sleep? Like if you're in a car accident, like your teeth are all cracked. And then I go, no. He goes, do you lift weights? And I go, yeah. He goes, okay. You got to get a mouthpiece or something. Look what you're doing to your teeth are all cracked like and and then i go no he goes do you lift weights and i go

yeah he goes okay you got to get a mouthpiece or something look what you're doing your teeth and he shows me like the this microscopic view of my teeth they're all cracked like all over the top of them and so apparently one of the filters had gotten like loose or something and some some deposits or something or they'd gotten through the bottom of the filter like there had been an opening somehow or another just enough to get the party of the filter, like there had been an opening somehow or another, just enough to get the party started. And that's all you need is some form of decay underneath a filling or inside a gum line, and then it just rots right through. Dude, this tooth right here got knocked out when I was about 15 years old,

and they did a root canal and put this calf on. Fucking 31 years later, no problem. Strong as it ever was. Wow. And it's a bottom tooth, so you don't really see it. Mike Goldberg,

the guy I do the UFC with, he's got his front teeth, they had to actually like drill posts. I think he got them knocked out playing hockey. Yeah, mine has a post. That's right, yeah. But his was like,

he had one that was clip-on with a magnet for a while when they were in the middle of doing it. Have you seen those? Really? Yeah, man. He'd slide it on.

That's cool. It would like clink. It would clip on with a magnet. You're like, what the hell? Like he had like a piece of metal in his fucking jaw like just screwed in there like the base for this. And it has to sit there for a while, right? Is that what the deal is?

It has to grow into your bone? Yeah, it actually has to mend with your bone. It's a titanium rod. No, I'm telling you, they put a post on this. It has no wiggle whatsoever after all these years. They can make you some badass teeth. That's nice. It's the saddest thing in the world when people have no fucking teeth.

Yeah, and it's expensive too, and then if you get a bad job done, then you get coffee stains on it, or if you smoke smoke and it's a different color I had a friend I had a friend who was a pool player his name was Mount Vernon Tommy he was like one of the best pool players around White Plains

New York like would gamble like spend like all of his money he worked as a dispatch guy for a tax gap company and he'd work like insane hours like 20 hours a day 16 days in a row and build up a pile of cash and we'd work like insane hours like 20 hours a day 16 days in a row and build

up a pile of cash and then come in and play pool no shit trying to put together a bank roll so I can get some action he didn't have a tooth in his mouth and this poor guy you used

to he used to like occasionally I got me a filet mignon I go how do you eat how do you eat your steak and he goes well yeah it's kind of a problem I can't chew it up so what what I do is I just put it in a blender Blend it all up nice

And then I just eat it like that No shit He literally couldn't chew anything He had zero teeth He had no teeth What happened to his teeth? Just disease? Could be anything It could be fights, I'm sure

Lost some in fights Bad dental hygiene You know, there was a time where people just weren't brushing their fucking teeth all the time. Some people. This guy was a part of that. He just had terrible teeth hygiene. Lost all his teeth. How often do you floss?

I never floss. You never floss? Never floss. I brush the shit out of my teeth but I don't floss. I floss once a week. Do you? Once a week? If I have a steak dinner, if I feel like I got like a couple spaces between my molars and every meat meal, I got a nice fucking chunk. And I'll try to suck it out sometimes for 35 minutes, you know, just going after it, sucking, sucking.

And then when it comes out, it's like so tender. You know, it's like been completely tenderized in your molars, and then you chew it with your front teeth, and it's delicious. I was watching this special television show on these bear hunters. They were going hunting grizzly bears. It's a very strange thing to watch because part of you is like, man, I don't know. You're not even going to eat that. You're shooting this animal for its pelt.

This is fucking crazy. And then the other part, when you see the actual animal dead, and you look at its jaw, you open its mouth, and you see these fucking massive teeth of this enormous head, it just really puts into perspective how weird teeth are. We have these flat, stupid, shitty ones that crack real easy. This motherfucker is something that can eat trees. These are giant swords embedded in his brain.

These huge fucking slicing swords that are attached to his face. With a jaw that could crush a fucking anvil. They're just incredibly powerful. Meanwhile, I'm kind of on the bear side. That's what's fucked up. I'm watching this. I'm like, man, unless you have to manage a population, like you're having a problem

with them killing people's animals or going after people, you're going to a place where there's no people, and you're fucking up these bears. It's like a weird sort of... If you're eating it, I get it. I get it.

If you want to eat black bear, people eat black bear. But I don't think people really eat grizzly bears. I think they only shoot them for their pelt. I think they probably taste like shit. You should find out. It's like a miracle, man. A beast like that or a lion, when you see them... It's eating your asshole.

It's just like it's nature expressing itself in the coolest fucking way. But still terrifying. There's a story about these Japanese soldiers that had to enter these mangrove swamps. And I'm not sure where it happened. I put it on my Twitter two uh two days ago it's a terrifying fucking story a thousand soldiers went to these swamps and 20 got out what they were all eaten by crocodiles and there had no there no there was no recourse nothing to do but just keep going and so all around them they're hearing thrashing where a crocodile will grab a guy.

And then you hear screams that eventually go underwater where the croc is like flipping them and rolling them. And it's pitch black. So it's pitch black. And these guys are walking through crocodile infested swamps. A thousand swamps? A thousand men went in. Twenty got out. How long ago?

The 1940s. Let me find it. Yeah thousand men went in, 20 got out. How long ago? 1940s. Let me find it. You're going to shit your pants. It is a crazy fucking story. Somebody should compile the 10 events in life that most resemble what hell would be. Here it is. I should give the guy props who sent it to me. A dude named

Van Dave sent it to me. Death in the Swamps of Ramory is the article. It's on my Twitter feed from 15 hours ago. So it was in Burma, the rolling jungles of Burma. So in World War II, these Japanese soldiers went into southern Burma, and between 900 and 1,000 Imperial infantry, they retreated approximately 10 miles through the mangrove swamps in an effort to sync up with a larger defensive force. And this is a fucking, I don't want to read you too much of this, this is a fucking crazy story. scattered rifle shots in the pitch black swamp, punctured by the screams of wounded men, then crushed in the jaws of huge reptiles and the blurred worrying sound of spinning crocodiles

made for a cacophony of hell that has rarely been duplicated on earth. At dawn, the vultures arrived to clean up what the crocodiles had left. Of about a thousand Japanese soldiers that had entered the swamps of Ramri, only 20 were found alive. What a great way of describing that. The scattered rifle shots. Who wrote that?

Gary Mortensen. Somebody asked it. Good fucking writer. Is it an excerpt from a book? No, it's just a historical account. World War II history. That's incredible. World War II history blog.

It's worldwarii.com forward slash blog. I love shit about World War II. I love it. Yeah. Just Google Death in the Swamps of Ramry. It's actually by Steve Turgisonon that's the gentleman who wrote it steve turgeson but in the bottom it says written by gary gary mortensen and then okay that last thing that i said the scattered rifle shots that's even written by a

different guy british naturalist bruce wright um attached to a Royal Marine Division, made the following notes of what he witnessed. Ooh, that was a nice witness to count. Oh, my God. That's amazing. What a great depiction. Imagine your life if you're one of the 20 that survived, the survivor guilt that you would have, the terror. Yeah, terror. I mean, the terror that your nervous system to a heightened state of everything that was just described for probably an hour.

Oh, more than that, man. Didn't they talk about 10? How many miles did they say it was? Two miles, I think. Ten. Ten miles. Ten miles through the mangrove swamps. So how fast do you walk?

Through mangroves? Yeah. Three miles an hour if you're lucky? That's like. So how fast do you walk? Through mangroves? Yeah. Three miles an hour if you're lucky? That's like... So three hours? Do you even walk three miles an hour through swamps? Probably less. Probably less? Jesus Christ.

Dude, I'm shitting my pants right now. Just thinking about that. Not to mention Burma. Burmese pythons. Oh, yeah. Did you hear about that python that got loose in Montreal? Yeah. Was it Montreal? Is that where it was?

Somewhere? Killed like three boys or something? Yeah. No, it wasn't in Montreal. Somewhere in Canada. Went through a ceiling and killed these boys. Got out of like this reptile shop. 19-foot fucking python.

Damn. Jesus. I mean, they said it's big enough to swallow an antelope hole and you've got this thing just laying around just think about how big that is you can swallow an antelope hole it's like oh my waist all right it's my waist and a snake yeah what the fuck man that's incredible yeah those those things you should have like you should have to have like really special precautionary like fail safe sortfe ways to keep something like that contained. If you're going to keep something like that alive.

You might have to put a fucking muzzle on it unless they're feeding. But even then, how do I know if that muzzle is going to stick? What if the thing figures out how to get the muzzle off? Right. You've got a donkey-eating monster on your hand. Right. It's wandering around. Yeah.

And it needs to eat. They have a real problem withating monster on your hand. Right. Just wandering around. Yeah. And it needs to eat. They have a real problem with those fucking things in Florida. They're offering all sorts of rewards. They had a thing recently. In the Everglades. Yeah, they had a thing recently where they offered rewards on people bringing them back. And, like, fucking nobody was catching them. Nobody was catching them.

No. I know. I read about that. And they're like, this is a real problem. We know they're there. And those are, um, What kind of snakes are those? Oh, those are pythons. Are they pythons?

Yeah. Florida's so fucked up. They found Nile crocodiles in Florida now. And there's only one way for them to get there. Someone had to let them go. So they don't think there's a breeding population of them yet, but there's a shoot-to-kill order on Nile crocodiles. Like, if you see them, you have to fucking kill them, like, right away.

Because they're aggressive, and they get to be 28 fucking feet long. You've got to kill those things. These are not like the American crocodiles that exist now. American crocodiles are much smaller, very aggressive, much more aggressive than alligators, but much smaller. But these Nile crocodiles, holy fuck, they're wildebeest eaters. And they're really aggressive. Really aggressive. Alligators, I mean, I've been around alligators a lot because we used to have a house down

in Florida and it had a pond across the street that had alligators in it. So we were very aware and we saw them a lot and saw the way they moved. And they'd check you out, but they'd ultimately swim away or not move. Crocodiles, they're going to come up and go after you. Yeah, they see you and they'll lock to come up and go after you. Yeah. They see you and they'll lock on to you and come after you. Right. Fuck lizards, man.

I know. Fuck all those creepy reptiles. People that think they're cute, I see monsters. That's all I see. I see heartless monsters that don't give a fuck about you or anybody. They're incapable. You can own that thing for 20 fucking years. It's never going to give a shit.

It's a cold-blooded... Yeah. But they're beautiful. I see that. Yeah. They're fascinating. I see that. They're absolutely fascinating. Yeah. All the reptiles, to me, when I look at them, even chicken, you know, I have chickens. Even chickens, I see my chickens, I see

something that existed just millions of years ago. Some weird life form. We just think it's normal because we get eggs from them and they go, we've all seen chickens. We've all seen it. It seems normal. That's not normal at all. What the fuck is that thing? Some weird bird that can barely fly.

It can only get three or four feet above the ground and then it falls down and it's all plump and weird with dinosaur feet. They're monsters, man. Creepy little monsters. And they just live from fear. They just run from shit and peck. Yeah, and peck at everything. Just clean up.

They just clean up everything that's around them. And we just see them as food on legs. It's just pure food. You eat almost the entire fucking thing. Yeah. It's the most efficient food source among animals. Well, what's efficient about chickens is that they make eggs. And you eat the eggs every morning. Do you do that? Yeah, every morning. How fresh are they? They're incredible. food source among animals. What's efficient about chickens is that they make eggs.

And you eat the eggs every morning. Do you do that? Yeah, every morning. How fresh are they? They're incredible. They're delicious. Because we feed them vegetables too. Like leftover vegetables, we feed them to the chickens too. But they're omnivores. They eat worms. We feed them worms sometimes. But what people, what I didn't know, I laugh at this

because I've talked about this on the podcast. People think, what a fucking idiot I am that I didn't know this. But I really didn't know until like a little more than a year ago maybe that a chicken doesn't make a baby with those eggs. I didn't know they made an egg every day no matter what. I thought they only made eggs if they fuck. They make an egg every day. And there's no rooster. So none of these eggs are fertilized.

So they're just food. So they're just food machines. They make protein. And it doesn't hurt them at all. Nobody gets hurt. It's a natural process. They do it every day. And it's one of the best ways to acquire...

You can think it's completely karma-free. No one's getting hurt. Right. These eggs are just a natural process. As long as they don't stack them in fucking cages it's disgusting when you see these these corporate chicken farms but you know you can do it in your yard is what i'm saying and it'll give you food every day right i ran into a friend of mine when i was there i did a dude well i shouldn't say friend a dude that i know from jujitsu and uh we were talking about like you know he's got he's got a rooster, and they have eggs too.

Roosters lay eggs? No, no, no. They have eggs. He has a rooster, and he has two chickens. But his chickens, he's got a whole ecosystem going on. His chickens can make chickens. He's got the full setup. So with his eggs, if the rooster fucks the hens, those eggs can become chicks.

So that gets real weird. And it's like, wow. And it's abortion. Well, there's balut. That's what the Filipinos eat. It's like a duck embryo. And you boil a duck embryo. We served it on Fear Factor. They love it. So they cook it in the egg. Yes. And then they open it and eat the embryo.

Yeah, it was funny. We served it to people on Fear Factor. I know a lot of Filipino dudes from pool. A lot of high-end pool players, like some of the best in the world are Filipino. And they love Balut. They're like, oh, give it to me, man. I'll eat that shit. They love Balut.

Balut's a delicacy. Did you try it? No. I don't need to eat a baby. My friend Ross Broccoli, who's this comedian. That's a great name. Yeah. He's just really, look this up if you can.

He should get together with Carrot Top and make a salad show. Is there another vegetable guy? Well, they call me, they accidentally, at the Faneuil Hall Comedy Connection, a black woman called the club, and she said, who on the show tonight? She was from the 1800s. And they said, well, it's Anthony Clark, Jackie Flynn, and Greg Fitzsimmons. And the lady goes, is Grapefruit Simmons the headliner? That's a great name.

And they call me Grapefruit Simmons to this day. All the comics in Boston call me Grapefruit Simmons. Dude, Grapefruit Simmons. I should have changed my name, right? Why not? That's a great name. Like Emo Phillips. I know that's not his real name.

Doesn't offend me. Right. Carrot Top, that's not his real name either. I'll give you shit. Grapefruit Simmons. Right. But look up Ross Broccoli and Chicken Truck. Maybe you could go out from here on out as Grapefruit Simmons, the artist formerly known as

Greg Fitzsimmons. I need something for people to talk about. That's the kind of shit that's brilliant marketing, if you're into that kind of thing. Right. Just change your name every 15 years. Right. And have people, you know, I have to get the Twitter account. Change everything. Grapefruit Simmons. Well, that's one of the ways that

Madonna sort of stayed relevant all these years is constantly changing. She changed what she looked like. She changed her hairstyle. She changed her singing style. But always in intervals that allowed the public to adjust. David Bowie did the same thing. Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Yeah, David Bowie did a lot of that. He did some weird shit, man. One time on the podcast, we played dancing in the street him and mick jagger we had forgot like how insane that video is it might be the the weirdest like rock and roll video of all time because it's mick jagger and david bowie and they are dancing together in one of the most peculiar ways I've ever seen two men dance together like even rock stars that are like singing songs together and they're like lean in together and use one mic you know so they're like going face to

face and singing each other's eyes that's not as gay as Mick Jagger and David Bowie dancing and looking at each other and wiggling back and forth and hopping up on light footed on one foot to one foot in this weird display of maneuverability and light footedness. It's a very

strange way of... Just play the video of them dancing. It's one of the weirdest displays. No, it was like Iggy Pop and Bowie and Jagger. I mean, that whole gay thing, it was probably what, in like the early 80s? No, earlier than that. Maybe 70s, I think. I think there was a lot of guys that experimented.

Yeah. They just opened. It was really accepted. Yeah. I think those artists, too. There was a lot of artists that wanted to open themselves up. They wanted to find out, what are the boundaries? What's holding me back creatively?

Everyone's partying. It's almost like showing an open-mindedness by trying to have sex. There's Jagger. Oh, in those 80s clothes. Yeah. With the cuffs, a jacket with the cuffs pulled up the forearm halfway. Play some more of that. That's wild.

There was a weirdness to it, the way they were dancing around. Yeah. Look at them. Look at that. I mean, look, David Bowie's got this weird jacket on like he's a lab assistant. And Mick Jagger's got high-waisted pants. A mullet. And they're staring at each other's eyes, singing. Oh, he's grabbing his...

Holy shit! It's incredibly gay. Whoa! Now they're butt-to-butt singing. Every guy grab a girl. Everywhere around the world. I mean, and nothing wrong with that, but what my point is is that it's very unusual behavior.

Not even that it's gay. Because if it was gay, like openly gay, it would almost be less weird. If there was like two guys and they had their hands on each other's hips and they were singing and kissing each other, I'd go, oh, oh, I see. That's how gay guys are. They're gay. They're attracted to each other. So they're making out.

That's what gay guys are making out. That's normal. That's not normal. What is that thing, each other, so they're making out. That's what gay guys are making out. That's normal. That's not normal. What is that thing, that weird mating dance they're doing? I think it's like they both got to the point where they had fucked so many models and done so many three ways that the sexual energy is just pouring out, and they're just, like you said, it's like a mating dance. They're strutting it out.

It's not really about fucking each other it's about both of them celebrating their raw sexuality yeah well it's it's weird is what it is it's weird sort of movement doesn't even seem sexual because it doesn't represent any like when you see a woman dancing and a woman who's real sexy one of the things that you're seeing is when a woman's dancing, you're seeing how she would fuck. Like you're seeing a sensual sort of an appeal. When a woman is like gyrating, it's very attractive because what you're seeing, you're thinking of movement. You're thinking of making love and you're thinking of like bodies touching and how good it would feel if she moved like that while she was touching you and what a turn on it would be. Just a blow away turn on. That's sexy, right?

But this is weird. This is not sexual. It's not gay. I mean, I'm calling it gay because it's just odd. It's more queer than gay. But it's not gay. Because if it was gay, they'd be like thrusting and grabbing cocks and looking at each other and holding each other, pulling clothes.

But it's just weird. It's like they're bouncing around. It's almost like Boy George, who we knew was gay, so that added a sexuality to it. Because in people's minds, gay and you're just thinking about sex. And yet he played it like a child entertainer. He dressed like a clown and there was nothing he did that was sexual in any way, but he danced like that.

Really fucking sensual. Well, Boy George was actually a good dancer. Fuck yeah, great singer. He was a great singer. That song, Do You Really Want to Hurt Me? That was a brilliant song. I remember when that song came out, how many dudes I knew who were angry watching that video.

Really? They got angry. They're like, you see this fucking guy? Yeah. Jesus Christ. They would get mad. Yeah. Because Boy George was in this like puffy,

nondescript, sort of like non-body outlining sort of outfit, this little puffy outfit. And he's like gyrating and moving in slowly and singing. Kind of has makeup on. Yeah, he's got a lot of makeup on. And he's singing, do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?

I mean, it's like, wow. It's heavy. It's heavy. Yeah. And defining, you know? Wake me up before you go-go. I was just going to bring that up. I remember I was working at Papa Gino's when this song became popular i was

working at papa gino's in newton massachusetts and i was uh i was a cook there i was making like spaghetti and whatever the fuck they sold and there was a girl who worked there who was in love with this guy and she was describing this song wake me up before you go go and she was describing this song, Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go. And she was like, he's so beautiful. Like, I can't even look at him. He's so beautiful. And like, the song is amazing. And so I went home that night and I saw it on television.

And I was like, that might be the gayest human that ever walked the face of the planet. And this girl can't even see it. She couldn't see it. I think that damaged girls are attracted to clearly gay guys like that because they're non-threatening. They're friends. Yeah. You know?

I think that, you know, something that's that gay, you think of Liberace and how many, like, frustrated Midwestern women would go see him in Vegas. Right. And actually feel something. Well, he's the bridge between what a woman really would like a man to be and what a man really is. Yeah. You know, Bill Cosby said something really funny once. He said, women don't want to hear what a man thinks. Women want to hear what a woman thinks but in a deeper voice.

How brilliant is Bill Cosby? That is brilliant. That is such a brilliant line. That's good. That is a a brilliant line. That's good. That is a goddamn brilliant line. Right. But every now and then, you have a bridge, and the bridge is like a George Michael sort of a guy.

He's a beautiful man, but he's dancing around, and he's got perfect hair and earrings, two hoop earrings, and a shirt that says, Choose Life. Yeah, right. And it's very confusing. And a shirt that says, Choose Life. Yeah, right. And it's very confusing. And a fake tan and an earring. Yeah. You left me sleeping in my bed.

Should have been with you instead. Wake me up. Well, you remember a certain comedian that we know who was gay, who I don't think is out of the closet. No. And he used to sing. Oh, yeah, yeah. Wake me up. No, don't, don't, don't. You'll give him away. I don't give a out of the closet. No. And he used to sing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wake me up.

No, don't, don't, don't. You'll give him away. I don't give a shit. How dare you? Wake me up before you go-go, because I'm nothing but a fucking homo. Yeah. And this guy used to sing that. And this is a guy who later on blasted other comics who did homophobic stuff.

Yeah. Well, he was a little tortured. Very tortured. Yeah. Meanwhile, that's another perfect example of someone who just came out of the closet. Nobody would give a fuck. People that like you would still like you. Yeah, you're a comedian, man.

That's why you think about that guy, Jason Collins, the basketball player who came out. People say, that's really brave. And you've got to stop and go, why is it so brave? Like a comedian can come out, an actor can come out. In any facet of life, you're an accountant and somebody came out, people would adjust and deal with it. But it's brave for a basketball player because athletes tend to be jocks, ignorant, hateful, guys that don't like Giga. They say fags a lot. Kobe Bryant said that thing. I think it's a bigger deal to come out in that environment than it is in others. No doubt. It's very courageous. And there's also the locker room element.

There's the element, the fact that these guys get together in the locker room and they're naked together. They're showering. It's not the same thing, but how much different would the dynamic of a locker room change if a woman came in and she was attractive and she was showering and she was showering with men naked? It would completely change the dynamic of the locker room. Right. Well, a gay guy who is in a locker and seeing all these yummy dicks and seeing all these dudes soaping up their cocks. Right. all these yummy dicks and seeing all these dudes soaping up their cocks. Right.

For him, him being there would really change the dynamic of the locker room if he wasn't professional. And of course he would be professional, I understand. But most men would be professional too if they were hanging around a woman they want to fuck. And I'm not playing devil's advocate here. So the fear is, oh, he's going to jerk off thinking about my dick. The fear is that he's going to fuck you while you're taking a shower. Oh, cut the shit. That's the real fear. No one thinks it's real. Right. No one thinks it's going to jerk off thinking about my dick. The fear is that he's going to fuck you while you're taking a shower. Oh, cut the shit.

That's the real fear. No one thinks it's real. No one thinks it's going to happen. There's press outside. It's a billion-dollar arena. They've got their own stalls. But somehow he's going to just see your ass. Soaping your ass up.

Like prison. He's going to fucking hold you. It's so amazing that that's the fear. Because my whole thing is if he jerks off thinking about you, you'll never know. Unless he tells you and then he makes it super uncomfortable. It's just you and him

and you go back because you forgot your sneakers and you're like, hey man, hey man, I just want to tell you, you know,

I jerked off to you last night. It's fucking amazing. Have a good game. We were together, we were shaving, shave our bodies and what? Hey man,

I don't want you just showering behind me anymore you fucking creep. I mean that's... Well they say. I don't want you just showering behind me anymore, you fucking creep. I mean, that's... Well, they say, I don't want him, he's going to be looking at my dick. Here's a newsflash.

If you're in a shower with a bunch of other guys, they're all looking at your dick. Like, I look at the dicks. But it's a different thing. Why? Because it's not yummy and delicious to you.

You look at a dick, you're like, well, there's something I don't want to have anything to do with. That's weird. I just look at it because it's weird. You never see them.

I don't need to see your dick and I don't need to do anything with it. Thanks. Take care, guys. Yeah, I saw your dick, but no big deal. In jujitsu, there's the locker room and in the locker room, everybody takes their clothes off and showers. It's just normal. But is it an open shower or there's stalls? There's a stall, but there's only one, so we all wait in line for it

and we hop out. You see someone's dick, they grab a towel, they wrap it up, whatever. Nobody gives a gives a shit you take your clothes off put dry ones on you got to see your dick it's just a normal part of everyday life but if you were there and it was by you know um was the word co-ed and uh there was women in there it was changing as well and they were hot women and they came out naked like that would be a weird dynamic if you were sexually attracted to them. And I'm not saying that gay people would take advantage of you or they'd be weird to you,

but what I do believe about gay men, unequivocally, without a doubt, unequivocally, is that they're men. And men can be great, or they can be creepy as fuck. Both options are on the table. But don't you think he knows he's so under the microscope as the gay guy in the shower that he would be completely controlled?

What is this bit with Tommy Segura getting some guy's grabby as dick? Patrick Melton. What is it? Is it a sketch they did? Yeah, it's called Feeding the Rabbit. What's it about? How long does it last? It's two minutes.

Play it. Okay. It's got, what's that reverb? That's my play music on. It's still reverbing. Yeah. Okay. There's one meerkat nearby who doesn't have the luxury of group protection.

Tosca's very much on her own. It's two guys sitting on a couch watching a nature show. The toast pops up. For the folks listening. It's his time to feed the rabbit. So he puts the toast back in. And they both get up. Tells Tom to take off his hat.

They're looking at each other in the eyes. Toe to toe. Tom looks like he's about to puke. And this guy, this guy is like making, who's the other dude? Patrick Melton of Nobody Likes Onions. He's making like these horrible faces. Like he's orgasming.

Yeah. Nodding his head menacingly. Maniacal eye contact. Deference Shame Understanding Regret Thomas closes his eyes He's shaking his head no He doesn't like it

God how long is this bit? It's a confusion Yeah this is really a visual bit. We're not doing this thing any justice. But the descriptions are hilarious. So he's making this crazy, and they're both grabbing their dicks. They're grabbing each other's dicks. And they're smushing them.

I know. Oh, they're grabbing the dicks with the underwear outside of the pants. Toast re-pops. And then when the toast pops up, they're grabbing the dicks with the underwear outside of the pants. The toast re-pops. And then when the toast pops up, they're done. That's when they end it. It isn't just beautiful. It means that rain has fallen. And then they're sitting down.

They're not going to talk about it. They don't get the toast. Who the fuck thinks of that? That is an unbelievably weird sketch. That's like, you know how that sketch started? I want to grab this guy's dick. I'm going to write a sketch. Yeah.

They went for it, though, man. They took it deep. And they didn't just take it deep. They hung in there for a long time. You know what's weirder than grabbing the dick is the eye contact from four inches away the whole time. Yeah. I guess, though, if you were four inches away the whole time. Yeah. I guess, though, if you were gay, that would be hot. Right.

Yeah, a gay guy would watch that and he goes, what's so funny? This is hot as fuck. Yeah. These two bears jerking each other off when the toast pops up. I love it. Bears. I know, bears. That's my second favorite sexual Tom Segura video.

My other one is the one with him and Bert Kreischer where they're shaving each other with no shirts on. Yeah. You know, I met Bert Kreischer for the first time in Montreal. Oh, really? I don't know how. We were both looking at each other like, how did we never fucking meet? He's a great guy. Yeah.

He's fun, man. He's a fun dude. He's a different kind of the guy. He's like a great party starter host type guy. He's a different kind of guy. He's got his own little thing going on with Bert Kreischer. Should I have him on my podcast? Fuck yeah. Bert, if you're out there,

email me. He's awesome. Fitzdogradio at gmail.com. He's awesome. He's got some hilarious stories too. Did you see the video of him and Ralphie May on stage recently? Yeah, it made me sad. It made me sad. They both have their shirt off and they're singing songs. Okay, boys.

You guys need a hug? What's going on here? I just talked to Ralphie May the other day. Still not smoking the weed or anything like that. He's not? Wow. He's not smoking weed? I don't think so.

Are you sure? You know his back? Brian Posehn, welcome back, bitch. Welcome back. Oh, that's right. I had him on the podcast and we caught him right when he was done. He wasn't smoking any weed. He was taking a big break.

He was trying to get his shit together. I think, though, he's one of those dudes that, much like your friend MC Chris, he just went off the pot deep end. Right. Got to catch your breath, refocus, shake it off, live a sober life for a while, and then slowly get back in with a more defined sense of parameters. Yeah, especially when you have a young kid. I think he's really into his kid, and I think it was probably affecting that on some level.

Even if it wasn't, you feel like it is. Well, especially if you're using it as an escape, which sometimes guys do, especially in stressful situations where it's like maybe you have a kid or worrying about your career. There's people that will use it to, instead of like dealing with their situation, they'll sort of hide behind the pot. Like they'll start smoking pot

all the time and avoid dealing with things that they need to deal with. That is a possibility too. So you can use pot actively or passively? You know, you could fuck up with anything, man. That's what I think. I think it's Grapefruit Simmons. That's the cover.

I love it. That's the cover of your next CD. That's fucking great. Whoever made that, who made that? Give them some prompts. Falling Arter, maybe? Falling Arter. Yeah, I've told that story before, and yeah, I've had a couple fans send me artwork.

Oh, that's funny. I got one up on the wall in my office. That's the one that's on the wall in my office. Yeah, that's hilarious. Oh, that's so funny. That's a good one, too, because that looks like your face. That's got sort of a, that's really similar. Drawing at a fair.

That is really funny. So, yeah, I need a new brand. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to change it to Grapefruit Simmons. How often are you doing your podcast? You put it out every week? Twice a week for four years now. Wow. How many episodes do you have? 400 or so.

But the back ones you have to get the premium membership for. I think the first 20 are free, the most recent, and then the back ones are premium membership. And you have your show on Sirius airs at what time? At 7 o'clock on the West Coast on Howard 101 on Monday nights. And that's been going on for a long fucking time, too. Six years?

Six years. I think I was first on it like five years ago. You were like my first or second guest. Really? Yeah, it was fucking great. Oh, wow, that's cool. Yeah, and it was back when we hadn't hung out much. We just hadn't been in each other's radar for a while,

and it was like this connection. It was like, fuck, man, that was like electric. It was so good just focused talking for an hour. Yeah, thank God for podcasts and radio shows and shit where people can just sit down and shoot the shit. Like I was saying to someone on Twitter the other day, someone who was saying they liked the podcast, I was saying, I love doing it too because one of the benefits for me is besides knowing that people are enjoying it is that I get to have these conversations.

Right. Like how often would we have the time to sit down for three hours and just shoot the shit? No cell phone calls. No checking. Nobody here in this room has checked a fucking text. Nope. Since we started. No cell phone calls. No checking. Nobody here in this room has checked a fucking text since we started. No, nothing.

You know, and I think that makes for, it makes for a good break and it also makes for like a deep, intense conversation that maybe you wouldn't

have the time to do otherwise. Fuck yeah. I mean, how many of your opinions, like my opinions to me are, that's who I am

and the only way you're going to get ones that are legitimate are to go deeply into it with somebody, a couple people that you respect. Yeah. And challenge each other. Fuck around. See what's up. Greg Fitz's show on Twitter.

Follow him, you dirty fucks. That was three hours, dude. That was fast as shit. It's 3.23 already. It's crazy. Don't forget Phoenix coming out there on the 15th to the 17th. Stand up live. One of the best clubs in the country.

And when is your special coming out? August 18th on Comedy Central at midnight. It is Life on Stage, my one hour special. I can't wait to see it. I know it's going to be hilarious. I saw that material in Seattle and San Francisco. It was fucking hilarious. Thanks, man.

Really, really funny shit. I appreciate it. Our sponsor for today, LegalZoom.com. Go there, use the code name Rogan, save yourself some cash, and LegalZoom is not a law firm, you fucks. They provide self-help service at your specific direction.

Holla at your boy. Also, Onnit.com. That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name Rogan and save 10% off any and all supplements. I got some other shit going on this week, folks. I think we'll be back Friday late afternoon. I will let you know soon.

And all those podcasts that you see on the TV show, people have been asking me, those are real podcasts. They look like people are going to fake podcasts, hurt my soul. They're actually real podcasts. That's the only way we were willing to do it. Duncan and I did real podcasts and they will be released as podcasts eventually. But until the show stops airing, it'll all just be just out recorded. We got it though. Don't worry. All right. We'll see you guys soon. Thanks for all the love. Big kiss, big hug, big love. See ya. Thank you.