The Joe Rogan Experience - #383 - Jim Norton

Episode Date: August 12, 2013

Jim Norton is an American stand-up comedian, radio personality, author, and actor.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Powerful Jimmy Norton. Thank you. That's the most magical intro we've ever given you. It's delightful. I just feel like there's some energy in the air when I said that. What's going on, my brother? Good to see you.

Good to see you. I'm okay. I'm drinking this coffee, and it's very good with the butter in it, but I know that I'm going to be, because any of that stuff, like lactose, just fucks me up. So I know I'm going to be turning into it a lot. Yeah. I'll be interested to see if it has the same effect on you because it's grass fed butter. I wonder if that has the same effect. You know what I find? I find that I can be lactose intolerant, but when I drink raw milk, I don't have any problem. What's the grass fed butter effect? Well, the idea is. But when I drink raw milk, I don't have any problem. What's the grass-fed butter effect? Well, the idea is, and obviously I'm no doctor, so don't listen to me.

But the idea is that butter from grass-fed cows is butter from healthier cows. And cows are not designed to eat corn. And when they eat corn, it's one of the reasons why they get so fucking fat. Right. It's just not a part of their normal diet. Their normal diet is just grass. And when you have grass-fed beef, it's a much leaner beef. It's just not a part of their normal diet. Their normal diet is just grass. And when you have a grass fed beef, it's a much leaner beef. It tastes different. And the idea is the butter's

different too. And the butter is actually healthy for you as opposed to the butter that you're getting that's from corn fed cows. The other thing is the homogenization and pasteurization of milk changes so much about how your body absorbs it. Like the enzymes in it and everything. Have you ever had raw milk? I don't know. I don't love milk. I drink it out of necessity and other shit,

but I could never be the professional just walking around slugging milk. I wish that how bad his breath must be. All he did was drink fucking milk. Well, that was supposed to be the sign that you're a serious man. Did you ever see the movie The Hustler? Do you mean with Paul Newman? Yes. Yeah, sure.

Do you remember Jackie Gleason's backer was George C. Scott and George C. Scott played Bert Gordon and he drank a glass of milk everywhere. Oh, I didn't remember that.

Everybody's getting fucked up left and right. They're all drinking whiskey and they're all fucking and Bert was just over there drinking a glass of milk. He's serious. A serious gambler. Oh wow. No, I never saw that. I remember the movie. I don't remember that part of it. I guess it was like, I want to say 63. Yeah. I want to say it was 1963. It's a great fucking movie. The guy, the guy Fats changed his name

because of that. Minnesota Fats was Gleason. What was the real, the original Fats? New York Fats he was. Okay. Yeah York Chains. Roof Wanderone. You know his name? Rudolph Wanderone. I think that's his real name. Yeah, I think it's Rudolph Wanderone. He was not even the best pool player of his era, not even close. Right.

Moscone was, and they used to have these matches, and Moscone hated the fact that people only knew him because he played Minnesota Fats, because Minnesota Fats stole the name off the movie. It was a brilliant move. He said, that was based on me. He was a really eccentric character in Minnesota Fats. It wasn't that he was a bad pool player.

He was a really good pool player, but he was a hustler. Right. And he had like 100 cats. He was one of those guys. He used to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken, and he'd pick up two buckets of chicken, and he would just toss them in his yard, and like 100 cats would come in and tear the chicken apart. That's what he did every day. That was his thing.

Oh, wow. Yeah, he had a gang of stray animals that he fed. So he was an interesting guy. But the character wasn't based on him. The character, most likely, was just based on a bunch of different pool players with some fiction added to it. My priest years ago when I was in North Brunswick, his name was Father Miserac.

He's dead now, but his brother was very famous. Steve Miserac. Yeah, that was his brother. Even when you're just showing off for his cousin. There was a relation, though. I just don't remember what it was. Yeah, he was the guy that did those commercials. Yeah, Miller Lite, I think, right?

Yeah, every now and then a guy sneaks through and becomes famous through a sport where no one else is famous. Like in pool, everybody says Jeanette Lee. Do you know who he is? No. If you tell someone that you play pool, people go, do you know who Jeanette Lee is? She's this really beautiful woman who was also a pool champion.

She doesn't play, I don't think, as much anymore. She was on ESPN a lot. She might be back into it, I don't know, but she's beautiful. And she plays really good pool. And she wears all black, and her nickname is the Black Widow, and she's Korean, so she's got this dark black hair,

and she's pretty. So people go nuts for her. So she's like the Lance Armstrong, and I don't mean this by performance enhancement. I mean by, Lance Armstrong is the only. Or testicle cancer. Either one. Lance Armstrong is the only bike guy I've ever heard of.

Like I guess Greg LeMond, he was one that I had heard of like way back in the past. But as far as like being able to name professional cycles, I can't. After Lance Armstrong, no one cares about any of them. Yeah. So if you talk about like professional pool players, almost everybody goes, oh, what about the Black Widow? Like that woman. I've probably seen her, but I don't know her.

I bet you have. She's in commercials too, I'm sure. She does a lot. But she's been the most successful at utilizing her image and becoming famous in a sport where almost no one's famous. For pool players, it's a tough time. It's very hard to make a living. It's very hard to become famous.

And it's hard to express a personality there or something that differentiates you and makes you likable that is bigger than the sport. Like, maybe she has that. Maybe there's something about her that people like. She's just hot, dude. Look at her. She's hot and she plays pool. That's what it is. And she's very savvy as far as marketing.

Rather wide-backed girl. She's a big girl. You played with her on that celebrity pool thing. I didn't actually get to play with her. I played in a tournament, and she was the commentator, which was kind of crazy that she's commentating on me playing pool. She's a world-class professional. But luckily I was playing against people who didn't have any idea what they were doing.

I like pool and hate it. I don't find it relaxing at all. It upsets me because I stink at it and I suck at long green shots. I'm fairly hideous at pool and I never found it enjoyable because I just can't get the hang of it. Pool's one of those things that gets enjoyable when you get

really good. As you get really good then it becomes really satisfying. If you can get into a groove and run out racks and get in good position, it's so satisfying. That cocky walk around the table that I've never taken. I just fucking shamefully go from point A to point B and hope I don't scratch like a cunt. The worst is playing in a bar.

Oh, a bunch of people crowded around a table and drinking and bumping into shit. It's what a ridiculous idea. A precision game in a bar with a bunch of drunks like sting into shit. It's what a ridiculous idea. A precision game in a bar with a bunch of drunks like stumbling into tables. And then darts. There's another fucking genius idea.

Let's take a bunch of people that are hammered and give them pointed metal things to throw at each other. Yeah, hope they don't cross the line. It really isn't dart league. There's nothing worse than a dart league. But they fight.

They'll fight over a guy's fucking foot crossing the line. They'll actually go to blows. I don't find it enjoyable. I've played dart. Even if I got them all on the red button, I'd be like, who gives a fuck? This is terrible. I don't enjoy darts.

Do you think if you tried to pick a fight with a dart guy, did they draw on each other? Did they pull their darts out? And take three paces or whatever and throw them at each other? I was in a fight. Not in a fight. I was at a bar that there was a fight, and somebody took darts and stabbed the guy in the back of the neck with it. Oh, Jesus. Yeah.

It was disgusting. They probably never fight each other for that reason. They're all holding darts. It's like fucking robbing a store in Texas. Everybody's got a gun. You don't do it. Yeah. That's an interesting way of looking at it.

You never hear about two dart players going at it and throwing darts at each other. You know what I mean? They're really darts at each other. You know, I mean, like, they're really experts at tossing weapons. I mean, a dart's a fucking weapon.

You know, if it was poison, you're fucked, man. How are you going to stop a dart from a dart expert? The only thing is they take their time,

those fucks. Don't you hate when they line? I hate when they got their foot there and they got the eye thing and the arm's going back and forth.

You're like, oh, just fucking kill yourself. Fucking stinks. What a stupid fucking, if you really stop and forth. You're like, oh, just fucking kill yourself. Fucking stinks. What a stupid fucking, if you really stop and think about it, I mean, it's fun to play, don't get me wrong, but what a stupid skill to throw something and make it stick into a wall in a certain spot.

It's something that counted years ago. We hunted for food or like, you know, on Game of Thrones, that's a great skill to have to be able to shoot something accurately at its target. But now it just doesn't mean anything anymore. Unless you're hunting. Unless you're going like squirrel hunting with a bow and arrow. You have to have a really good aim. Yeah, if you're doing something like that.

Could you hunt with a dart? Could you go like bird hunting with a dart? Get close enough to these motherfuckers. No way. Blow dart. They would see you. Blow dart would work. Yeah.

I watched a special where these dudes were jacking monkeys with blow darts. It was really crazy to watch, man. Watching people kill monkeys is very strange. I mean, it feels so close to murder. Yeah. It's weird. You know, you're like, man, a monkey? You're killing monkeys?

Like, those things are really close to people. They're close, man. Shooting darts at this thing. And these monkeys. There was, I think, curare. I think that was the name of the poison. There was some sort of a poison. Is it from a toad's back or some shit? Usually frogs are motherfuckers, man.

Yeah. Frogs' back will kill you. Yeah, well, the dudes in the Amazon, they find out everything that kills you and they take note. Okay. If you ever want to put something on a spear tip, that fucking thing will kill you. Because they ate it once. Somebody they know ate it once and dropped dead and they're like, make a note. Shoot that at somebody.

I mean, that's the only way they knew. Yeah. When you're dealing with like the Amazon, do you ever see the documentary about the guy who swam through the Amazon? He swam like the length of the Amazon River. No. Yeah. Yeah. God damn it.

It's a really fascinating. Yeah, yeah. God damn it. It's a really fascinating... Let me find... A guy swims... Amazon. How many miles is the Amazon? Documentary. Oh, it's a long fucking time. He didn't even cross it.

He got fucked up, too. Martin Steele. Big River Man. Yeah, it's called Big River Man. The guy is fucking crazy. I mean, he's crazy. He drinks beer every night, and he gets in this water and swims for days. And he doesn't even look like he's in the greatest shape in the world.

But the guy just can go and go and go. But he's ingesting all this fucking water in, like, this parasite-ridden place. And he gets all fucked up from it. I mean, he's really really really sick he keeps going he keeps going keeps fucking swimming this thing i mean what what he did was pretty fucking incredible because he was just like a regular guy who drank beer who decided to make this happen like i don't think you know i mean he's he would you know look at him like you see the way he's built yeah he's built I mean, he's a sturdy looking fella.

Yeah. But he's not built like a guy who's going to swim the fucking length of the Amazon. I saw it a couple of years ago, so I can't remember all the details about it, but I remember thinking, like, what a crazy character this guy is. He's built like a fighter in the 20s. Remember they had the barrel chest, but you knew that they were fucking problems, but they weren't ripped and cut like guys are today. Well, there's a lot of guys today that are like that.

You know, look at a guy like Mike Russo. He's a world-class heavyweight in the UFC. He knocked out Todd Duffy. He's a big fucking guy. He's a Chicago cop, but he's built like that. You know, he's built like a regular guy. Some people just have a higher level of fat. It's just genetically, there's nothing you can do about that.

Dude, who wants to be punched in the face by a Chicago cop UFC fighter? How unpleasant. He's a nice guy, too. They all are. The UFC guys are the nicest athletes I've met. That's why I love it so much. Every one of them has been a cool guy that I've met and interviewed, and never have they

been dicks to us. Well, they have a much healthier attitude. I think that the accolades, and this is not hating on attitude i think that the the accolades and this is not hating on anybody but i think the accolades that that a professional athlete gets are almost unhealthy sometimes yeah and i think that they're not getting the humiliation that fighters get by losing by training in the gym by by getting broken in the gym by getting submitted by getting tagged there's like a certain level of reality that fighters live in where they don't have to engage on this chest puffing that you see a lot of people doing almost to compensate

because it's almost like they can't even believe that they're this fucking superstar. So part of their brain is like sabotaging, causing them to act like cunts and not tip anywhere and slam doors on people and the kind of shit you hear from really arrogant pro athletes. But with MMA fighters, for the most part, these are dudes that if you're serious about that sport, you have to have a Spartan discipline. I mean, you have to be the type of person that's watching your diet,

making sure you're organizing your training, and you just get humiliated. You get humiliated and humbled is a better word. You get humbled by the whole process of trying to become great. And so they're just different athletes. You know, you see like some pro basketball players that are like super arrogant or crazy. It's like you don't see nearly, you're always going to see a certain amount in the population of people, but you don't see nearly as much in the mma or in the ufc as you would think i haven't met that many uh nba people

that i liked um to be honest you know the one i thought was really nice uh clyde frazier we had on it was great uh dr j was really nice but you know i think he's lost a lot of the money um but fucking like i met lebrBron James once briefly. And he wasn't awful, but I only got a photo with him. This is fairly humiliating. I wanted a picture with him. He's a comedy seller. So I texted Kevin Hart because they're good friends.

I'm like, I want to get a picture with LeBron. So he texted LeBron. He's like, my friend's going to be asking you for a picture. So that's the only reason he stopped was because I texted Kevin Hart. Oh, well, that's a good deal, though. That's a good connection. Yeah, it is. To text my friend who does movies

and ask if he can get me a picture of the fucking NBA player. What a bad favor to call in. Well, people don't know. You like getting pictures with celebrities. You have, like, more pictures with celebrities than any other celebrity. I do have a lot of them, yeah.

And I'm glad I do it. It's fun to do. Although the ones I wished I had, I got autographs. But I met Kennison once and didn't get a photo, and Pryor I met once and didn't get a photo. But I didn't do photos back then. Yeah, there's a few people that I wish I'd taken a photo with Hicks.

I think that would have been cool. I got to meet him. It was more like a hi. I never got to talk to him, but I got to see him perform a couple of times when I was an open mic-er. If cameras were around back then, back then it was really rare you had a camera on you. But if cameras were around back then, what a great picture that would be. Yeah, I never met Felix.

And I've never listened to his stuff. I've heard clips we played on ONA, but I've never listened to a Hicks CD. And everyone tells me how great he was, but at this point in my life, I just don't want to hear another comic and be influenced by him. I hear he's great and good for him, and i don't want to know that's interesting you know you we you and i've had this conversation before we have a sort of different opinion on uh on that i i hear you that it can can happen but i got i like getting inspired and i think for me the best way to get inspired is by just listening to comedy you know i get inspired it makes me want to write. And I think I just don't feel like there's any sense in avoiding a certain amount of influence that we're going to give each other.

But I also think if your mind is straight and you have good ethics as far as your writing, I don't think you really have to worry about that. You know what you're doing. You're trying to pursue your ideas. You're not trying to pursue somebody else's i think it's a good thing to worry about when you're first starting out but i don't think a year stop i don't there's no way you're very ethical you know and i i respect your take on this opinion like the reason why you're doing it you're doing it for the exact right reasons i just always feel like uh i got into comedy because i love the art form itself and i'm a fan of it and i don't want to not be a fan of it i just just because i'm doing it doesn't mean i i want to still enjoy it as if i had nothing to do with it if i was never involved yeah you know if i went i became a

comic book artist or whatever else i wanted to be or could have been if i wasn't a comic i would like to think that i would like comedy just as much. Yeah, you know, it's funny. I went and saw Colin's one-man show about the Constitution. How was that? I heard great things. It's amazing. Colin Quinn. And where is it? It's in New York, but I think he's moving theaters.

It's like the Cherry Lane Theater, but he might be moving. And it's a whole—I think it's better than his last one, which I thought was brilliant. But this one is totally—it's like stand-up, but it's all about the Constitution. And it's fucking, that's inspiring to see, like, because he never takes the easy road. Like, I admire Colin because he never goes for the easy dick joke or the cheap angle. Like, he fucking toughs it out. And if he's bombing on stage at the Cellar, he takes it like a man, and he works it out, and he makes it funny. He's really, really just above everybody, I think.

I put him at the top above all comics. Wow. To do an hour on the Constitution. I could do maybe three minutes, and I would immediately go, I wonder how big Jefferson's dick was. I would lapse right into the fucking slave fucking jokes. Yeah, but okay, I've got to stop you right there, because I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think what you do, and I love Colin.

I think Colin is hilarious. But honestly, I'd rather see you. Thank you. The reason being is because you're a fucked up dude, and you're going to say some fucked up shit, and it's going to be fun. You're going to say some nutty shit. Colin talking about the Constitution would be fascinating, and I think I'd enjoy that on a completely different level. But

for sheer laughs, if I wanted to just goof on shit, I would like to see an act like yours. Thank you. Because you're having fun. And I think having a show on the Constitution is very, very difficult. But it's also very difficult to do a show the way you're doing it. It's really hard to do what you do. That's why there's so very few people who are as honest as you are when you're on stage, as open about your perversions, and as lovable in those. That's very difficult to do.

You shouldn't sell that short. What you do is just as much of an art form as what Colin does. And I would love to see both of them. Don't get me wrong. But you can't say... I enjoy that style of comedy. And it's fucking hard to do. That's why there's only like...

Out of all the really good dirty comics in this country, how many of them are there really? Is there even a dozen? Is there even a dozen that you would go out of your way to see? Out of 300 million people, is there even a dozen really perverted, dirty guys that you would go see?

No. No, there's not. No. It's a fucking, it's a very difficult thing to cultivate, to get to that point. You know, it's weird. It's like, I don't mind doing dirty stuff. Like, if I'm being truthful, I just don't like doing it when I know. Like, Pryor said that he said

motherfucker or nigger too much at times as a crutch. And he knew when he was doing it. Like, I don't want to do it as a crutch. I don't want to, like, use it as Pryor's motherfucker. Right. If I'm doing it because I want to do it, I'm cool with it. I'll be as filthy as you want. Fucking tranny jokes. I'll talk about being shit on.

Whatever. But if I'm doing it because, um, I fucking don't have anything. Right. You know what I mean? It's like, then I feel like I'm doing the equivalent of a fart sound, and it's like,

I wish I didn't sell myself out. It's, that's, that is the big leap that you make as a comic, when you get past just doing stuff that works, to doing stuff that you believe in, that, and it works because you believe in it.

It's not like a trick. It's not like just a, and that feeling that you believe in and it works because you believe in it. It's not like a trick. It's not like just a... And that feeling that you... I remember doing material that was dirty when I was first starting out. One of the things that I would remember is how awkward it was when I was forcing it. When I was bombing and I was trying to make

like it was funny and it wasn't funny. It was just... When you're dirty especially, it's like extra awkward. Oh, it's like a giant echo in the room because you finished with cunt. And you're like so disappointed in yourself. And back then I was like always disappointed in myself that I could never go clean. So I was like, I could probably have a career. I thought I could do well as a clean comic,

but for whatever reason, I just wouldn't do it. I just didn't. I was like, God, why can't he just be clean? So when I would bomb, if I would bomb dirty, I'd be like, oh, God. Yeah, it's extra humiliating, yeah. I wish I was clean. But you know what?

I don't find any extra valor in cleanliness. I mean, it's a good thing to do if you're really funny clean, but I think that they both have, they're both equally acceptable if they're original and funny. I agree. I don't like to see clean guys that stink, and I'm like, I don't give a shit. I hate cute euphemisms.

And, you know, then she was giving me a kiss on my... Just say it out, man. On the TV, you can't say cocker. I get that, all right? But when you can't say Cocker I get that Alright But when you're trying to Cue it up at a nightclub It makes me It physically makes me ill

So I'm embarrassed for comics To do that Well there'd be an embarrassing Person to talk to Could you imagine having A conversation with a person Like that You're sitting down

And having a conversation With a person that is Just Just Goofy And dorky. You don't want to talk to a person who doesn't swear. No.

Can't tell you one-on-one, tell me what happened. And then she's sucking my cock, and I can't believe it's happening. Tell that. Say that. Say that if that happened. So I know you. So I get to know you. Because if you don't, if you exclude anything weird or twisted about yourself,

I'm never going to really know you. That's hard. It's hard for people to do. People don't like to include that. And I understand that I'm in a job and we're in a job where it's a little easier for us because most things are acceptable in our business. As a comedian, it's hard as an accountant to walk in and go, I went out with this girl and she's blowing me and I realized she had a dick, but I was high and I let her. You can't walk into an accounting office and tell everybody that. But if you say

that as a comic, everybody's like, alright, so what? How was the gig? We don't care. We're hard to shock. Yeah, you could come to a room full of comics, a writer's room, and tell that story. Sure. And instantly everybody would be laughing. Yeah, they don't care. We're harder to surprise and we accept a lot more.

And we can speak our mind a lot more. But there's a line that goes beyond that where people are just being unnecessarily adorable and not revealing. And I hate them for it. I really do. Yeah. No, I know what you're saying. They're putting on an act. Either that or they're a crazy person.

I think they're putting on an act. And not to say everybody has to speak in racially insensitive language or be this way. But to judge it like they're a crazy person. I think they're putting out an act. And not to say everybody has to be speaking racially insensitive language or be this way, but to judge it like they don't get it. Like, Wiener, I don't care what the guy does, but for people, for men to act like, I can't comprehend taking a picture of Mike Hawkins.

Of course you can. We all understand why he does what he does. Now, a lot of guys won't do it. A lot of guys don't cheat. But to appalled yeah that he wants to get his dick sucked people are enjoying claiming the moral high ground yeah you know they they love to i think that's going to happen in the future less and less i think as the the technology becomes more intertwined in our lives there's going to be less and less privacy and there's going to be less and less privacy. And there's going to be less and less of grandstanding.

Or there's going to be people that do it and get caught, like Wiener or like Eliot Spitzer. He's a perfect example. He was a guy who was the mayor of New York or the governor of New York and was arresting prostitution rings, but was also using them. It's like one of the craziest ideas ever. And so when you get caught, nobody's feel bad like what are you doing man like you

you didn't just use a prostitute you know you were arresting them you were like shutting down prostitution rings and then you were using prostitutes like you can't do that yeah it's really it's the equivalent of your agent double dipping it's immoral on every level and it's sickening. Well, it's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy to arrest them in the first place for getting paid to do something that's perfectly legal to do free. Yeah.

If they just fucked, if they just had a website to say, hey, let's meet up and fuck, no one would have a problem with that. But yet, because some money's being exchanged, what is it really? Is it a tax issue? Just then say that's what it is and let's figure out how to tax it. That's morals. I think it's their idea of morals. Well, the morals are ridiculous as soon as it's free. As soon as it's free and you can do it and there's no problem whatsoever, but if you charge money for it, then all of a sudden it's a crime, that's ridiculous.

Sickening. Because if somebody just wanted to fuck, if some crazy woman just wanted to go around town, hey, meet me here, let's fuck, and then at 10 o'clock I'm goingclock i'm gonna meet another guy i'm gonna fuck him no one could say a goddamn word right but because money's being exchanged all of a sudden she's a criminal yeah this is terrible and i believe i'm a big fan of legalizing prostitution trust me i like it well it should be legal it should it shouldn't be mandatory but it should be legal you should be able to do whatever you want to do it'd be safer if it was legal And I think a lot of our ideas about it, look, obviously, I don't want my daughters to be prostitutes. Don't get me wrong.

But I think a lot of our ideas of what's so horrible about prostitution is all based on this Puritanism bullshit that we've been pushing in this country from the get-go. There's nothing wrong with being nice. There's nothing wrong with having morals. But when you push your own bullshit on other people and arrest them for giving hand jobs, you know, can you imagine? You could rub your feet. You could rub my feet till the cows come home. You could rub my ass cheeks. That's all good. But it feels too good when you rub my dick. So don't do that or I'll put you in a cage. You just have to have food involved, pretty much. You have to give them a sandwich first and like,

look, I gave you food. Let's go back to my place exactly what's the difference between a date and and you know you're spending a hundred dollars on a date or a hundred dollars just here well because it's the woman's have the money it's the you're you're although you're spending money you're spending money to try to show the woman that you're a generous person you want to take care of her and then the sex is a mutual thing the idea is just that the men should be paying for the woman because they're they're not worth as much which i agree with what i agree yeah look it's way easier for a girl to get laid than it is for a guy so you got to pay for dinner it seems like they have the upper hand socially it's pretty obvious exactly pay for

fucking dinner till your buddy walks in with a pussy on his leg They win And even then you got a fucking smell your buddy's breath. Yeah, look at the side of his dumb neck Yeah, you're fucking his thigh and going what am I doing? He's squirting all over your carpet. Yeah, it's your buddy's squirt It's not hot at all. You know if your girl squirts all over your couch doesn't bother you Just throw a towel down. But if I came over and just started squirting all over you. Squirting everywhere while I was fucking your leg.

Clear fluid. If that's what, what if genetic engineering leads to that? Dudes just start putting vaginas on their elbows and banging each other's forearms. I mean,

that's gonna, someone's gonna offer that option. If that option becomes available, someone's gonna be the guy who gets a vagina on his thigh. Absolutely. It's gonna happen. Yeah, and his friend will fuck it at a party, and

all of a sudden, hey, I thought better than I thought. We all start getting yeast infections in our legs. Did you hear that Eric Holder said today that they need to stop arresting people for petty marijuana crimes, and crimes where there's no victims, or where it's not

a connection to drug cartels. It's sort of snuck in under the radar, but that's a gigantic statement from the Attorney General that they're going to basically stop this aspect of the drug war. They want to let people out of jail. Prisons are fucking overcrowded. This is two things in the last week that have been really surprising.

The Sanjay Gupta CNN thing, where he's coming out with a documentary on CNN called Weed, a year-long investigation to the positive benefits of medical marijuana and all these people that are sick and all the different things that it cures, all the different ailments that it alleviates symptoms. And this guy is coming out and putting out this big piece

on CNN.com and the special saying i was wrong like for years i believed mainstream america's opinion about marijuana it was for a bunch of lazy slackers and i thought that most of the medical marijuana was just people trying to get high but now he realizes it's not and it's like there's massive massive medical benefits i'm losing power my dilithium crystals i think they're getting ready captain i think they're getting ready i'm losing power captain it seems like it that's what i'm saying if cnn puts it on tv like that i mean that's pretty crazy and then eric holder saying we need to stop arresting people for petty crimes that don't involve drug cartels and you know marijuana offenses like what wait a minute that isn't that like 50 of the prison because the problem is

non-violent drug offenders are a giant part of what's in the prison system and making people much more likely to continue being criminals like once you start putting people in jail that's when they're much more likely to start repeating crimes the idea of punishing people by putting them in jail that hasn't really, it scares the shit out of them. And if they're smart, they don't do it again. But it also introduces them to a bunch of other people that are fucking criminals. And they all get together and they talk.

And they figure out what the fuck they're going to do together once they get out of there. And that's a way of turning a person who just wants to sell something that should be legal into a fucking criminal. By putting them in a cage. And what, all of a sudden they're figuring that out? This is crazy. Yeah, the government always seems to be a little behind on what, you know,

they're always the last ones to show up and say yes to something or no. They have to cover every angle at it. They have to realize that you can't control it, and then they have to figure out how to make money off it. Yeah, but this seems like a shift. It seems like a shift in just the way they communicate about it. I mean, these are new reforms aimed at curbing U.S. prison population. There's a big article on The Guardian about this. This is pretty crazy shit.

The tobacco company probably went can't even talk. The tobacco company probably went to the government and was like, look, we're losing shitloads of money because you're fucking all our crops up and making cigarettes so bad. We want to get into this weed game. Maybe that's a way for Marlboro and all these companies to keep alive. Well, it's not just that. It's also the projected revenue, tax revenue from legalizing marijuana is giant.

It's billions in every state. I mean, it's the projected tax revenue. It sounds so crazy, but it's really true. It could fix the United States economy. That sounds fucking nuts, but it really could. There's so much money involved in marijuana.

And right now, it's all slipping through the cracks It's all going on either illegally or it's a state as a medicinal sort of a thing And then they get eventually busted by the DEA because it's not federal if they ease up that it changes our whole culture It's gonna change Everything and once people realize all the things you can do with marijuana that don't involve getting high, when they realize the benefits of hemp, which has been illegal forever in this fucking country since the 1930s, as long as marijuana has been illegal, we can't grow hemp and the non-psychoactive form of marijuana.

So the stocks of marijuana make insanely good paper. They make tremendous building materials that are biodegradable and last forever and are stronger than steel. It's really, it's a nutty fucking plant. Like it's got essential amino acids in it. You can eat the protein from it. Does it get you high or no? Oh, it can get you high. I mean the stalk. The stalk doesn't.

No. I mean you get the female flowers will get you high. So what you're getting when you get hemp, you're either getting various strains, which are like, I think technically you wouldn't refer to it as a cousin, but it does get referred to as a cousin all the time, but people correct me online. So just that caveat.

But it's essentially the male version of the plant and variations of the male versions of the plant. And that doesn't have any psychoactive properties to it, but you can make fucking ridiculously strong rope with it. Like it's a weird plant. Like you'll take a stalk of this stuff, right? I've seen it like this thick. It's light like styrofoam, but hard as a fucking rock. It's weird.

It's a weird fucking plant. It's like no plant that exists on earth. It's a fucking rock it's weird it's a weird fucking plant it's like no plant that exists on earth it's really almost like it's an alien it's such a strange plant and it's so beneficial to humankind the fact that it's illegal is um just outside of the psychoactive effects if it had no effect on the human body whatsoever just for its your ability to use it in building materials the ability to make clothes and paper and oil and henry ford's first fucking car had hemp the the all of the body panels were made out of hemp and it ran on hemp like he would make oil from hemp and run engines on it i mean you can do so much shit with it it's it's almost a joke like if you look at all the different things

you could do with it how could it be legal how could it be illegal rather you wonder why there are certain things like i wonder why we can't go to cuba there are certain things the government does that's like at a point it's like what the fuck are you doing like after a while it's like enough is enough yeah of these little things like why can't i do that i'm not a baby we're not babies and i think that's what these things are realizing. There's a push by the American people, and there's a transparency that the American people are demanding. And under the weight of things like Edward Snowden and Bradley Manning, all these documents that are getting released

where people are seeing the actual inner workings of the government, they have to make some radical reform if they want to keep a hold of us because there's a lot of people that are upset right now. Finding out about the NSA watching every single American as if we're all bad. How about all of us who do... Can it be like the TSA? Can I get a TSA pre where you know that I'm not a fucking terrorist so you stop reading my email, dickwad?

Can we make that deal? I have mixed feelings about the NSA. Part of me loves that they did that because the American people have become such... What bothers me about Americans is we've become such nosy pigs into each other's lives. And there's nothing an American loves more than violating the privacy of somebody else. It's true.

Nothing we love more. And now all of a sudden, we don't like it because someone's invading our privacy like I believe I get the difference for the government doing it's awful but I mean on just the principle of it where were all these fucking people I've said this before crying about privacy when they couldn't get enough of Mel Gibson's private voicemails or Alec Baldwin's phone calls or our Tiger Woods's private texts nowails or Alec Baldwin's phone calls or Tiger Woods' private texts.

Now, I understand we look at them as entertainment value, but people also are comfortable seeing those things and making judgments and treating people a certain way because of them. So they didn't give a fuck that anybody else's privacy was violated. However, their privacy is sacred. So I kind of like Google Glass, and I like this. It evens the playing field. Just, you know, like fucking Petraeus. The head of the CIA couldn't fuck some chick on the side when he's married to Michael Moore.

How depressing is that? And no one gets away with anything anymore. So I wish the American people would stop being so nosy and minding everyone's business but their own, and I would completely be against the NSA. But until that happens, fuck them. I love the fact that their privacy is being violated too, and they can see how it feels. Wow, that's an angry Jimmy Norton.

Not even angry, just tired of the... I'm not even mad about it. I know what you're saying. I agree with you to a certain extent. That self-righteousness that people have, like with Paula Deen, they're comfortable allowing her to be lynched publicly, and no one is stepping up and going, you know what?

I've said some shitty things. No one expresses that honesty in themselves and gives each other breaks on inappropriate things that we say or little. We're allowing moments to define who people are. Yes. And we all have the moments. Yes. It's nuts. And we might not have the moments to that varying. Right, exactly.

That degree of fucked up-itude. Yeah. You know, like, she did a lot of, I don't know what Paula Deen actually did, but if you listen to what the people that work with her, she sounds like she was a funny, racist old white lady. Yeah. I don't know. I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't want to even guess of what it would be like to be

a black guy working for her and hearing that shit come out of her mouth. Did she say it worked, though? I don't know if she did or not. Supposedly, allegedly. Who the fuck knows? I mean, that's what I read. That's what people are accusing her of. Unless you're there, who knows?

And you're also dealing with disgruntled employees. Wins. Paul Dean wins the racial suit that destroyed her. How does she win? Is he her black friend that she hangs out with? Oh, she's got black friends now. That's a good move. Big black guy with a hat. She's probably got a fucking snake for a cock. What is the judgment?

What does it say? It says that the original lawsuit, a judge ruled that Lisa Jackson had no right to claim racial discrimination because she's white. Any comments that Dean or her cohorts may have had had no legal consequence to her. Oh, so she tried to claim racial discrimination. Yeah.

And she was white. She was just trying to get paid. Yeah. Oh, what a dirty cunt. Yeah, so. But she destroyed Paula Deen's, pretty much Paula Deen's career. Yeah, nah. She'll be fine.

She's ruined. You think so? Oh, yeah. It's over? Because, again'll be fine. She's ruined. You think so? Oh, yeah. It's over? Because, again, no one... You see Matt Lauer, that fucking jizzbag? That sanctimonious interview he did with her? Yeah, that wasn't nice.

But he couldn't... Where was one ounce of honesty in this guy? Maybe you've never said that word, but are you going to tell me you've never in your life, under oath, you could say you've never said a racially insensitive thing? Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.

Yeah, I think he's got a problem. And his problem is that he's a talking head on television who's not allowed to have anything even remotely controversial come out of his mouth. And he's also terrified because he's in that box. So for him to try to... First of all, you can't do that in a little conversation. If you're going to have a conversation with that woman about the world, about racism, you're going to have to sit down with her like this. You're going to have to podcast with Paula Deen.

Have a three-hour conversation with her. Find out who are you? What did you do? And you'll know by the end of three hours whether or not she's full of shit. You will. You'll know. Everyone will be able to, you could bullshit your way through a five minute conversation on tonight's

show. You can't bullshit your way through three hours. Not at all. And I think this is an issue that really needed to be addressed like that. It's can't like have a quick Matt Lauer interview with this scared lady in a scared old lady that has fucking death threats coming in from black people all day. I'm sure.

Yeah. You know, I mean, you can't, you can't be a white person in from black people all day, I'm sure. Yeah. You know? I mean, you can't be a white person in 2013 calling people niggers. You can't do it. The phony outrage, and it's not even from black people who get annoyed. What I've grown to hate is other white people. Patrice said it. Patrice said it best.

He goes, I've never met a racist. Not one person I've ever admitted has ever admitted they were racist. And what I hate about these fucking, these white people whose idea of combating racism is just targeting other white people who have said something inappropriate is simply their way of deflecting attention

from themselves and their own I think they have superiority complexes and I think like, I can't walk up to my black friends and tell them, hey, I'm not a racist, but if Paula Deen acts like one, then I can use her to mirror how good I am. It's a self-serving proposition. And I hate it and I don't buy it. I just don't buy it, man.

Yeah, I agree with you that there's a lot of people that love to do that moral high ground thing. They love by telling you that you're doing something wrong. They're not just telling you that you're doing something wrong. They're not just telling you that you're doing something wrong. They're telling you that they're awesome. Yes. That's a big thing. And it's in their tone. And it's in their lack of self-revealing they do in these moments and in these discussions.

If they revealed ugliness about themselves, I would have respect for them. Like, why am I comfortable talking about Pat O'Brien's dirty voicemails or Tiger Woods' dirty text messages? Because I talk about my own. I'll make fun of his, but I'll tell you that I also have texted my cock to many people. I'm a piece of shit. So I'm not coming from... I'm not better than him. And I refuse to come off like

that. Yeah, there's a real problem with people thinking that you need to be better than people, too. It's like... And especially pretending, that shit never works. Claiming the moral high ground and becoming the super white knight and pretending that, you know, you're there to defend all women. It's, this shit doesn't work. No. Never works. The type of women you get for faking that shit. I mean, you might really be that guy. And if you are, God bless you. But if you're faking it, who are you going to trick?

One average girl with glasses and a stupid tattoo with words on her arm. Fucking boo. Rotten fuck. Stupid baggy jeans. Yeah, you're not going to get much out of it. Have you ever banged a feminist? I'm sure I have. You know,

yeah, I've banged some very, I like strong women a lot. I am strong. Yeah. I am invincible. Yes, I like that type of woman

a lot. A lot of them are sexual submissives. Like lawyers that I've fucked have been sexual submissive female cops because they're very strong. And, you know,

they like something different. Not all, I'm sure. But I have nothing against a feminist if she's reasonable and she's fighting for women to get what they deserve. I'm for it. When they language police and they nitpick because their cause is not as needed as it was 20 years ago, then I hate their guts like any other special interest group. But when they're fighting for what's right and legitimately getting the right amount of money,

I don't think women should be sexually harassed at work. These guys are like this fucking cocksucker in San Diego who's grabbing women and being a complete piece of shit and saying he didn't know. Fuck that guy. One of those women's husbands should fucking hit this guy with an axe. Yeah. Yeah. It would be hard to imagine your wife being at work with some lech all day. He's constantly harassing her and bothering her

and brushes her cock by her when he walks by her in the hall. You know, that kind of shit, that happens to people at work. People go, look, I was just walking by. People are always being cunts. But that's a cunt. It doesn't matter if he's a man or a woman. You know, I think the idea of feminism is a good idea. As the idea of masculinism, that's a good idea too.

I don't think it's a real word, but if it was a real word, it'd be a good idea. There's nothing wrong with you being allowed to be you and me being allowed to be me. And we're going to be fucking different. That's why the world varies so much. That's why movies vary and music varies and stand-up comedy varies. There's people that like all kinds of different shit. But a lot of men don't want women to be women. And a lot of women don't want men to be men.

They want them to be what they want them to be. And when you have some asshole who wants you to be a certain way and you have to work for that dick and you're a woman, that's a special place in hell. I mean, that's a fucking horrible place in hell. But it has nothing to do with this. It's not a sex thing. It's not an all-gender thing.

It's that that guy's a piece of shit. Yeah, he is a piece of shit. You just found a piece of shit. It just happens to be a man. But guess what? If you're a man and you have a cunt boss and your boss is a woman and she's a fucking asshole, I have a friend who has a woman boss.

He actually just left his gig. But he had this woman boss who brutalized him. Just wouldn't leave him alone. It was just like giving him cancer. It was just like rotting at him. All day, every day, was someone who you couldn't talk back to, who was just fucking with you and pestering you and berating you and insulting you,

and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. insulting you and is not a damn thing you can do about it. Gotta take it. Not a damn thing you can do about it. She was talking to him in a way that a regular man would never, like a man in the street that you didn't owe anything to, would never talk to you unless he was ready to fight. Yeah. But she would just get in his face and point at him and say crazy shit to him.

There's nothing he could do. No, and there's nothing he could do, and that's why she was doing it. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, she would ask him if he was stupid are you stupid are you stupid like in like wow i have to listen to this you know there's nothing you can do about it you're just stuck that shouldn't be right and it shouldn't be right for any human being to do that to another human he should have said stupid is as stupid does and then given her a cocky look so in that sense yeah i'm a feminist in a lot of ways.

I'm a masculinist. I'm a humanist. I think we should be able to do whatever we want. The problem is when you start looking out for your own, when you start looking out for a gender, a generalization, you start going towards one gender only, emphasizing that one gender's inequities,

inadequacies in our society. The problem is you, you become a gang and you become part of a team. Right. But the thing is, what I hate about people so much is they say, because they're not consistent. Like, I don't, everything should be the same and I don't want, nothing should be different unless you're talking about diversity, then it's good. I don't like any kind of profiling.

It's wrong. Unless, of course, it's an ethnic pride parade. Then we can all profile, and it's a delightful idea. I'd be proud to be Irish. So people only want grand, sweeping generalizations when they're a part of a good, grand, sweeping generalization. If they're a part of it, like, it's funny. I go through TSA security, and they're now saying anybody under 12 or over 75 does not have to take your shoes off. And I have not heard one person complaining about age discrimination.

I'm over 75. Why am I not being treated the same as these other people? I have not heard one fucking parent saying my kid's under 12. Why aren't you treating them like everybody else? It's only when we're treated in a manner that we don't approve of that we take this principle of, hey, don't treat me differently. It's arbitrary and it's bullshit. So that's why you can't respect any of it.

It makes me crazy. Yeah, I'm not a big fan of groups. I'm really not a big fan of groups that focus on one gender. I'm not a big fan of generalizations. I'm not a big fan of a lot of things. I'm certainly not a big fan of anything where anyone who is the weaker is getting bullied, whether it's a physical, whether it's a sexual thing or a physical thing or a man bugging a woman.

I have a sister, I have daughters, I have a wife. I, I, I 100% know it's way more difficult to be a woman than it is to be a man in the physical sense. And I think there should be laws about that shit. Abso-fucking-lutely. I think that men who do abuse women or who do sexually harass them,

they're fucking creepy people, man. But so are women who do it to men. And the idea that that's not the case, the idea that a situation where a man who gets taken by a woman in a divorce in some fucking horrible way where, you know, you find... I mean, I could go into this for days, but I'm sure we all know guys who've just been raped in divorce. Some of us do radio with them every day. Just crushed.

Yeah, Anthony. Got murdered. I know a guy who lost millions. I know my favorite story. I even talked about him on my act. He had to pay for his wife's attorney. Oh, of course. And his wife dragged the thing out for years. So he was paying for the enemy's general. So he's going to war for all of his money, and it wound up costing him everything.

I mean, it was just a devastating several-year event that she wouldn't— she was doing it on purpose to try to drag it out, to try to milk him. And you see shit like that you think like okay men should have rights too okay yes absolutely he's not in a sense it's not the same thing as him being raped absolutely but he's being financially destroyed and he's someone's doing it in a spiteful way when they're doing it because they just grew to hate him or whatever the fuck it was but there should be a law against that like they didn't even have children like it was one of the craziest things i've ever seen in my life when you find out what happens that if a man and woman

are together for x amount of years then he has to pay for her for the rest of her life yeah but he doesn't get to fuck her that's the beautiful part like she's like well i have a lifestyle he said well i was expecting i i was used to getting getting blown and having your ass in my face. How about that, what we're used to? You remember Chris Rock's bit about that? You know, about alimony and pussy payments? Yeah, he had a whole book about it. Like, I believe in alimony, but I also believe in

pussy payments. Yeah. There's all sorts of inequality in this world. Both projected towards women and projected towards men. And there's all sorts of inequality in this world, both projected towards women and projected towards men. And there's all sorts of assholes in the world, both women and men. There's just assholes. And that's our real problem in this life.

It's not lumping ourselves into groups and generalizing that all women are good and all men are bad or vice versa. That's crazy, too. What's important is recognizing that there's really only three types of people in the world morons Assholes and people that are alright, you know, you might not agree with them. You might not like them You might they might not be your style. They might be different Morons assholes and people that are alright. That's really all there is in this world We're also paying for the sins of a lot of other people sure like for centuries

Let's you know white American men dominated everything in this country and We're also paying for the sins of a lot of other people. Sure. Like, for centuries. You know, white American men dominated everything in this country. And, like, you know, there's also a reality of a lot of people were treated like garbage for a long time, and a lot of promises were broken. And there's a reality to that

that's not excuse-making. It's not... Right. It's a real thing. And then they say, well, you know, white people have benefited from that system. So what's happening is in an effort to balance the fucking playing field a little bit,

a lot of us today are being treated unfairly because the balancing act is making things go so far. I do understand that. That's why I had a conversation after Tasha's. And who did the gay? Oh, Tracy's gay jokes. Tasha's and who did the oh Tracy's gay jokes and I had a couple

folks who don't know Tracy Morgan did a joke about if someone was gay he would stab them and everybody went crazy and I had a couple gay comics on

Rick Crome and Jim David and we talked about this on this comedy special I did and as comedians I asked them how do they feel about the imbalance in the language like the fact that

you get in trouble for that now and Jim David said I'm okay with it and I'm like well how are you okay with it? There's a comic, and he goes, because it's not a level playing field. Meaning what he thought was like in life, gay people are not treated as well. So he didn't give a shit if that guy got in a little bit more trouble. And I kind of, I heard what he said there.

Like, even though I don't want to get in trouble for it, in that sense he was right. It's like, you know, we still have a big segment of our country that can't get married and they're treated like second-class citizens but yet we go around and tell other countries how to live their lives we're so full of shit it makes me nuts well i think there's a real legitimate argument in the uh idea that until it balances out until everyone completely relaxes on discrimination towards gays. There's no discrimination on bachelors anymore.

If a man is a 50-year-old man, he says, I'm just not getting married again. There's no discrimination or social pariah. It's not a social pariah. But if he decides to marry a man, then it is. Well, what is that? And why is that not eradicated from our culture yet? Well, once that is eradicated from our culture yet well once that is eradicated from our culture then i think people are going to be much more likely to accept gay jokes much more like because i keep hearing that gay jokes are homophobic and i'm like guess what

no they're not it's not homophobic at all it's a gay joke just like jokes about straight sex aren't heterophobic all right they're jokes jokes about sex. And there's jokes about everything, and it's really about context. It's not about the subject matter. And you can't eliminate certain subject matters. You just can't. Because the human language is very nuanced. There's a lot of shit going on. And every single interaction that you have where humor could potentially be crafted from it

can be taken in a whole wide variety of different ways. And I like all those ways. I like people saying fucked up shit they don't really mean. Sure. I think there's something funny in Tracy Morgan saying, if I find out my son was gay, I'll stab that little nigga. And it's ridiculous. It's over the top.

It's ludicrous, right. It's not real. Of course he wouldn't do that. Of course it would be, you know, it's ridiculous. The idea that it's like, I do a joke in my act, like, guess what? Johnny Cash didn't really shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die either. Maybe. I don't think he did.

He might have. More likely that he did it than Tracy Morgan would stab his son. It's stupid. Johnny Cash probably should have said, I took some pills and fell asleep on the tour bus. That might be more accurate. Johnny Cash probably should have said, I took some pills and fell asleep on the tour bus. That might be more accurate. But I get where gay people are coming from, too, though, because it's not a level playing field.

So when you see all this, it's almost like shitting on people when they're down. Here's a perfect example. This Opie thing that's going on. Yes. If you don't know, Opie, many years ago, stomped on this homeless guy's cake and he thought it would be cute to put it online and people are so fucking mad at him because it's a really douchey thing to do. It's been online for years, though.

He just retweeted it, I think, but it's been up for seven years. But the fact that he, well, what people didn't like is people have a sense of humanity and they look at this guy and he's a homeless guy. He's fucking down and out. And here's this millionaire dj who thinks it's funny to stomp on his cake

like you know what i mean in that context like i and that's something that unfortunately you can't like what would happen we would do a walk over from k-rock every day which you did with us and that guy was uh was andrew and he was a guy we saw every day he was a guy we talked to we had on the air, we gave money to him, we would give him food. We had a really good relationship with this guy. I think that's why he was offering cake, because we had stopped by so many times and handed him food.

He had some cake, and Ope did a dick thing, but it was literally just to make everybody laugh. It wasn't to dehumanize this guy or to degrade him. It was something he would have done to anybody else that he knew. And I know that that made people go, well, too bad. But the reality was the context of that relationship with Andrew, the homeless guy, was not some, hey, bum, here's some money. We can do what we want. It didn't feel like that.

It didn't come off like that to any of us. Yeah, but he got really depressed after Opie stomped on his cake. He just started drinking again, too. We were trying to get him sober, but he got really depressed after Opie stomped on his cake. Yeah, but he had just started drinking again, too. We were trying to get him sober. That's a good way to do it. Step on his cake. Well, you know, it was a piece of shit cake anyway.

It was a fucking... It was another garbage. I see you supporting Opie and I'm friends with Opie, too. I'm supporting Opie only because I was there through that entire walkover with Andrew

and I saw him 50 times before and after that. So in context. Yeah. I would have been fucking... It was cringy and I was like, oh God. Did he give him anything after he stomped on his cake? Did he give him any money? Of course he did.

We gave him, I think he gave him like $100. And then people were going, that wasn't good enough. They're like, this is what I'm saying. They're like, oh, you could dehumanize him and give him a hundred bucks. But it wasn't looked at like, nobody felt like, wow, he dehumanized this guy. Because he was somebody we talked to all the time and had great interactions with. So that's why it didn't feel like I understand people seeing it, though, and going home. What the fuck is going on?

You piece of shit. Like I get seeing a one and a half minute clip. Maybe I would feel the same way if I didn't have the luxury of having been there throughout that entire time. Well, see, here's a perfect example. didn't have the luxury of having been there throughout that entire time well what was see here's a perfect example if if that homeless guy was getting an argument with another homeless guy and the homeless guy jumped on his cake then it would be okay because there's one homeless guy getting over on another homeless guy and stomping on his cake but when a millionaire dj guy does it look i know what he was doing and and I know what that audience is like.

When you guys are, Opie and Anthony is my favorite show ever to do because it's such a hang, and everybody's making everybody else laugh. Yeah. And it's like what we were talking about before the show today. It's like what's okay for you and I to talk about in our jobs as stand-up comedians, for most people, those same words and thoughts would get you fired. It would get you kicked out of the office. You'd get written up. You'd get sued. You can't have that sort of mentality.

But for us, it's so normal. So when you're hanging out with Opie and Anthony Cumia, and you guys are just talking mad shit, and you're on the air as you're walking across the street, and you're just trying to make each other laugh. And one of the things that people do when they try to make each other laugh is they cross the line. Sure.

They completely, brutally cross the line. And that's the way to do that there. You brutally cross the line, you got to jump on the homeless guy's cake. And Opie, you know, in doing that, it sounds like a cop out on my part because he's my friend and I would never have done what he did did but i know what his motivation was it was exactly and your our audience will accept a lot but honestly there is a humanity to them like that homeless shopping spree we would do the homeless guys would never mistreat like literally they would treat like rock stars they would go to the mall thousands of people would be cheering them buying them shit with their people we had gotten to know so it was like the

people mentioned oh then they would do this homeless shopping spree it's like they weren't it didn't feel like oh my god it felt like a fucked up thing to do but it didn't feel as literal as oh my god he's a millionaire stepping on the food of a homeless man because I don't think that was the intent behind it other than just being a dick in that moment to a guy who he knew we had given food money to and we were going to give money. It's like. I know what you're saying.

I know what you're saying. He knew it was just a momentary dick thing to do. And he just did it in the sense of. To make us laugh. For humor. To be silly. Not to humiliate Andrew. Nobody wanted to humiliate the guy.

The problem is when you see things out of context, it's like you were talking about earlier about Paula Deen. You don't know the entirety of a person. When you see one event. Ope's a great guy. We had him one event. Ope's a great guy. We had him on the podcast. He's a great guy. And I always credit you guys with being one of the reasons why I wanted to get into podcasting

in the first place. It was because of doing your show. Because your show was the only show that I'd ever done where there was no rigid set of like, this is this now, and then we're going to go to the wacky five at five, and then there's Bob and the Chopper. There was nothing. It was a hang. It was a complete, total hang. Every time I've ever done it, whether it's with Burr or with... I mean, fucking how many

times have I done it? I've done it so many times with so many different comics, with Rich or with... I never got to do it with Patrice. The only thing I did with Patrice was when we did that thing in Vegas together, which was a lot of fun, too. So I got to hang with Patrice. It was the only time I really got to hang with Patrice. The only thing I did with Patrice was when we did that thing in Vegas together, which was a lot of fun too. Oh, wow, yeah. And so I got to hang

with Patrice. It was the only time I really got to hang with him outside of like seeing him early on in the day when I didn't even know him. He was one of my favorite people.

Even though he was very dominating and no one could out-yap Patrice loudness, but he was so much fun to do radio with. Yeah. Like, he was one

of my favorite guys ever. Because to make him, like if you made him laugh, you knew you were funny. He didn't give it to people for no reason. He didn't give pity bullshit. He was just too unconcerned with hurting people's feelings to do that. He didn't care. One of my favorite things with him is I convinced him that Face Off was a shitty movie.

And that's one of my, it's one of my favorite moments. It happened at K-Rock. John Travolta and Nick Cage. Who he was arguing against that. He loved it. He loved it. And I fucking convinced him.

But it was a fun, friendly, to watch him go like, oh, oh. Like to see him give in made me, it was one of my favorite moments of all time in that just to see this, this, cause he was such a giant of a guy intellectually, like the greatest mistake people could make with Patrice was to think, oh, he's a big, loud

black guy. Patrice was a brilliant motherfucker and could out talk almost anybody and could out logic almost. So when you, when you had moments like that, it was friendly. It wasn't like an aggressive argument. You're like, ah, that just was one of the most satisfying moments of my career. Yeah, well, it's the opportunity to be around fun people like that, the rare human beings that you don't necessarily come across.

If you have a regular job, if you're working as an insurance salesman, how many Patrice O'Neills do you come across in your life that you get to hang out with? No, just probably calling because they're late on their payments. Quite a few, I think. One more thing, by the way, before I forget, I wanted to say about Opie, too, about homeless. He's the one, not that it matters, but he's the guy that

pushed Homeless Mustard through, Daniel Mustard, and tried to get him a recording contract and really tried to take care of the guy. That's that guy singing that song Creep? Creep. That guy is really talented. He is talented.

And Opie took a real concern with him and his sobriety. And again, I'm not trying to say don't be mad, be mad. But again, don't think you understand the totality of a guy because he did one silly thing in a different context to make his radio guys and some fans laugh. You're so good at breaking shit down, dude. You said that. There was not a hint of bias there.

You were being completely honest about it. I really value that in the way you talk, and that's why I was really happy when I watched that Kamau Bell show. Oh, yeah. M. Kamau Bell. Kamau. Totally biased. Yeah, Kamau Bell, yeah. Which was you. W. Kamau Bell. W. Kamau Bell. Totally biased. Which was you and Lindy West, who's a feminist blogger for

Jezebel, which is a feminist website. And what I loved about it, man, was first of all, you never got upset. You were rational and logical and you were talking about it in a very measured way, and you're being really friendly while you're discussing this. And, you know, in her defense, it's a very tricky subject to breach for a woman. And she was saying a lot of shit like comedy clubs are filled with rooms filled with angry men. And you didn't even flinch. You didn't you didn't even flinch you didn't you didn't go after her you know she had like these digs about like you know you're allowed to just joke about it but i'm allowed to tell you you're a dick yeah i didn't think personally because i didn't think

she hadn't the blog wasn't about me it was about a guy who yeah any guy making a dick joke or certain rape jokes that put and this is the tricky part of lindy west because a lot of people would say she's against she's for censorship but she really wasn't. She was about, she didn't like the jokes that she thought minimalized the victim in a rape. Now it's hard to logically say, well, yeah, minimalizing the victim of rape is a good thing. But you know what, what people forget, they went after Sam Morrell. A lot of jokes are just misdirection. He's a comedian in New York who had done some domestic violence jokes or whatever. But in a misdirection joke, you go for the most obvious or opposite thing.

That people are going to expect. Sometimes it's like I did one joke, and this didn't come up in that show. But I was talking about seeing a girl. Now, I don't know if she had a good time or was raped in a port-a-potty. I'm not going to go through the whole joke before, but those were at a concert, an outdoor concert. So the two most opposite things I could think of. If I said I didn't know if she had a good time or not

a very good time, who gives a shit? Fuck you. Exactly. Raped in a porta potty. You're painting a picture. Yeah. If I said I didn't know if she was beaten in a porta potty or raped in a porta potty, nobody would have laughed because they're too close. So the fact, I mean, I'm explaining this to the audience, not to you. Yes, right. The fact that you take two things that are such polar opposites, sometimes the polar opposite you land on for the joke is a horrible thing that minimalizes the victim.

And every Catholic priest joke is somehow minimalizing the victim. Comedy does that. And I don't believe that it has to just be speaking truth to power. I think that's part of it. But I think that as long as your intention is genuinely to be funny and not to humiliate a person for real, I think it's allowable. And it has to be because it gets to be too subjective after that. Well, it's an art form. And if you don't like that art form, I completely and totally understand that.

You don't have to participate in the shows. You don't have to participate in the shows. You don't have to go. But when you're being hypercritical about it and trying to get people to stop doing it, you're going to make it so that that art form is not available. The really fucked up thing that you don't mean art form is not available. Just like rap music. What is going on in rap music?

Are they really running around killing people and selling cocaine every day? No, most of what they're doing is talking shit about something. It's no different than the movie Scarface. Nobody really died in that movie, okay? You're painting a picture. It's a gross, horrific picture. But some people like that. They like to watch Scarface.

They like to listen to rap music. They want to hear a dirty comic say horrendous, inappropriate things that are fucked up. One of my favorites is Otto. Otto and George. He would say some of the most fucked up, ridiculous, over-the-top shit, but the reason why he did it is because that's what shocks the shit out of you and makes you laugh when you least

expect it. And it was well-crafted on top of that. He made me laugh harder than anybody's ever made me laugh in a club we were doing in a pizzeria in Pennsylvania. And he said something, it was barbarism. And it made me, it was,

because the imagery was such, it was such poetry that he flew off the top with and it was awful. And, have I ever told you this story? No. And it was,

it won't, like if I say it now, it's not going to be the greatest joke, but the beauty of it, we were in a pizzeria, it was an awful gig. And, it was, it won't, like, it won't hold, like, if I say it now, it's not going to be the greatest joke, but the beauty of it, we were in a pizzeria. It was an awful gig. And it was, it was, it was like, we're like real pizzeria bench seats. It stunk. Right.

And there was a bar next to it, and I'm watching, and Otto's just up there fucking struggling and hating it. And in the middle of this dirty act, the booker's girlfriend walks down the aisle with her seven-year-old son, which was so inappropriate, and everybody looked, and it just derails the show. And Otto just said, you know, because everyone looked

at this, so the fucking, the puppet addressed it, and said, isn't that cute? I'd like to grab him by the ankles and smash his skull into a fucking sink. And it was a Caligula reference to the end of Caligula. And it made me, the speed at which he put those words together and the violence attached to that and the imagery of that. I've never laughed harder at anything anybody's ever said in a comedy club because I knew what had just happened.

I immediately saw the end of Caligula where they grabbed the ankles and they smashed the fucking head into the steps. And I'm like the genius to pull that out in this moment and word it that quickly. It was beauty. It was beauty, but it was a horrible thing. And nobody laughed. Of course they didn't. it was a horrible thing. And nobody laughed. Of course they didn't. This was a Philly pizzeria. Nobody understood.

How funny that was. Because if he had just said that and I hadn't seen Caligula, I might not have laughed as hard. But the fact that I immediately saw what he did with it, I wanted to hug him for that. I'm like, you brilliant, brilliant guy. He's a brilliant fuck, man. He's a very funny guy. And his style of comedy, much like Dice's style of comedy, is ridiculous, over-the-top things they don't really mean.

Like, Dice has some bit about how a woman gets pregnant, and it's one of the most hilarious, ridiculous bits because it goes into this medical, or how you can make a gay kid. Like how... It's so fucking ridiculous. It's idiocy. It's complete idiocy, but it's hilarious.

And for people to say that that's a homophobic joke or that's like... He doesn't mean a word he's saying. Do you understand? This is like an art piece that you're watching. This is just a ridiculous, over-the-top art piece. And for you to say that it's not, for you to say that I shouldn't be enjoying it,

well, then we have to go with a fine-tooth comb over virtually all of pop culture. Every song, we have to find out what the true meaning behind movies are, what's the implication on society, because it can't just be humor. It's a dumb way of looking at it because you know it's a joke. If it's a stand-up comedy show, you know it's a fucking joke.

At least in that sense, there's no excuse. With a rap song, like, no, it's not a joke. Maybe he's being serious. With a movie, maybe they're trying to promote that lifestyle. Maybe that's real. It's a stand-up comedy show. The only reason why people are laughing is because it's a movie. Maybe they're trying to promote that lifestyle. Maybe that's real. It's a stand-up comedy show. The only reason why people are laughing is because it's a joke.

Well, people do know that, but it's unfunny people attempting to influence. It's just people trying to influence what you say. It's like the same mentality, and I don't mean individually. Let's just say the same mentality that would target Dice or that would say

you should get in trouble for a gay joke are the exact same people who would stand up and defend Mapplethorpe. They're the same people who would defend Piss Christ and say that the National Endowment of the Arts should have paid for Piss Christ because who cares? Tell people what that is. The NEA, I think, paid for it. It was an artist who pissed into a jar and he put a crucifix in it

and he called it Piss Christ. Now, I don't think that that's particularly clever, but it doesn't offend me on any level. And here's more inconsistencies. I thought it was clever. Yeah, I mean, it was, you know, look, I wouldn't mind if, I wish I would have thought of that. I mean, I just, I couldn't fill a jar with my piss.

It would have been like, you know. It'd take weeks. Yeah, it really would. It's a big jar, too. It's very impressive. Yeah, it's a two-kegger. But the fact that they support that, and they're the same people who would have attacked Giuliani for going after the fucking Brooklyn Museum of Art because a guy, an African artist, painted the Virgin Mary in dung.

So they would call him a fascist for that. You don't understand art if you attack Mapplethorpe and you don't understand art if you attack Piss Christ. However, if you attack a comic, well, that comic is insensitive and he he's saying something racially insensitive or gender insensitive, and he should be attacked. It's inconsistent, so you can't fucking respect it. You can't acknowledge any of it with respect. People have to leave room for art, and that sounds ridiculous when you're talking about dick jokes or any kind of jokes, but you have to leave room for art because that's what it is. It's just an art, and if you don't appreciate that style of art, it's no different than you deciding to go to a metallica show and not liking the lyrics right if you don't like it you don't have to like it there's jody mitchell's playing down the block

go see that go go you know go see cheryl crow or go see dave matthews there's a lot of variety out there but at the end of the day it's something that someone creates and when otto says you know i'd like to pick him up by his fucking ankles and slam his head into a sink and you're laughing, that means he delivered art to the person who likes that art. And I feel the same way when I, when I see, look, when I saw Dykes or when I saw you in Austin, same feeling. I enjoy ridiculous over the top humor. It's my, one of my favorite things to watch. So when someone comes along and says, you can't do jokes about violence against children because it's

fucked up, yes you can. Yes you can. You can. Even if your kid had been killed. Well, unfortunately for you, this one hit home. And it's not fun to you. But everybody else who doesn't have a kid that was killed by slamming their head into a sink, it becomes fun for them. And it sucks, but you can't just stop

the art form because it's going to hit you. And that's one of the things that came up in that conversation with Lindy. Lindy? Lindy West. Lindy West, yeah. One of the things that came up in the conversation with her was that she was talking about rape jokes, and meanwhile she had a photo on her Twitter of Jeff Goldblum, who was in Death Wish, who enacted a really horrific rape scene.

Yeah, barbaric rape scene, yeah. Scary, terrifying, no joke. There was no jokes involved. There was no hee-hee-ha-ha, no double entendres. And yet, an actor doing that in that piece of art, somehow or another,

is exonerated from the impact. And this idea that you should know that one third of the audience, I think is those, the current thing they're, they're enjoying banding about when people talk about, I shouldn't say they're enjoying, I don't want to dismiss it, but the people who really believe this believe that one third of all women have

been either sexually assaulted or raped. And there's people that dispute that. And there's, it's a lot of it is based on a certain study from i believe it was 1987 and there was a lot of questions that are very controversial in that study like they would say if you ever had sex with someone then regretted it or we are coerced into having sex and things along those lines they called all of those rape and so then i think but i think their findings was like one in five but now people are saying it's one in three whatever the fuck it is yeah the idea that

you have to like not you have to censor yourself because of the you can choose to you can choose to if that's your style of comedy you can choose to but for you to get mad at someone who doesn't choose to it's like oh you're this is a slippery slope and i know people don't think it's a slippery slope because you think it's all just about protecting people's feelings, especially victims' feelings. And I see your point. But at the end of the day, we're going to have to go over this whole motherfucker with a fine-tooth comb if you want to do that. You can't just single out stand-up comedy because it's coming from one person and not a giant movie where a woman gets assaulted and beaten or raped or whatever. I mean, all

of it has to be looked at. You have to look at the whole thing. And I also feel like I give myself the same credit I give the audience. Like, I really do and it's like we all say we want to just treat people like you want to be treated. Well, I treat the audience with the same level of intellectual respect that I want. And I went and saw Joan Rivers

and it's the edgiest set I've ever seen a comic do. And I mean this a few years ago at the cutting room in New York. She's doing 9-11 jokes. I mean fucking brutal. And I literally wanted to cry at the end of it. Because I'm like that is what we should be doing. It is taking everything horrible that we experience, and I mean horrible,

and making a room full of people laugh about it. And when we walked out of there, my feelings about 9-11 had not changed, my feelings about rape, my feelings about AIDS. Not one thing she said made me value those real experiences less. Not one thing she said made me devalue anything, made me lose respect for the horror of 9-11. Nothing changed for me other than I was able to temporarily laugh at

something that I knew was awful. So why wouldn't I give my audience the same credit for being able to come to the conclusion I came to watching Joan Rivers? Well, to take their argument, it would be because you haven't been raped, you haven't been murdered, you didn't lose loved ones in 9-11, and that what you should be doing by omitting rape jokes is you should be avoiding triggers. You give PTSD triggers, avoiding people freaking out and thinking about their rape while they're at a comedy show, just trying to have a good time.

And so their opinion is set up entirely to protect the victims of these crimes. It's not like a person like you has a certain sensibility about 9-11. Joan Rivers defies that sensibility, but does it in a humorous way. And you walk away with the same opinions that you had going in, because that's not really what you're dealing with. What you're dealing with is a victimization crime, a crime where someone's been dehumanized and them being in the audience, watching you talk about that. You should be more sensitive than that. So that's their argument. I think it's a very good argument in a lot of ways. My point back to them would be, I do understand that, but like I said, whenever I talk about

Tiger Woods' text messages, I reveal my own. I talk about my own. I also talk about things that have injured me. I talk about my own suicide attempts, my own sexual proclivity. So I include everything horrible and things that have affected me and things that haven't. It's not like I exclude things. And if you break down humor like that, like you said, fine-tooth comb, every single joke or 90% of the jokes you do, unless you're talking about balloons or bouncing a ball,

have hurt somebody. Well, you talk about, oh, my God, was I drunk driving? Oh my God. Children being killed by drunk driving is not fun. If we get that literal with humor, then almost all jokes comics tell are going to be up for a careful examination. I think Matt and Trey said it's either all okay or none of it's okay. I won't make pedophile jokes when Kevin fucking Bacon can't play him in The Woodsman.

I won't do gun jokes when fucking Hollywood can't tell me how bad guns are, and then they make a movie called Two Guns, which I have no objection to, but then don't fucking preach to me about guns, motherfuckers. Yeah, exactly. It's like just, you know, I don't care what you do as an artist. Leave me alone as an artist. I don't tell you what to do. Don't tell me what to do.

That's all it is. No, your point is dead on. And it's a very important point, the idea of censorship. I can understand that people don't want someone in the audience to be impacted negatively about you making light of something that's a horrific crime that they've suffered from personally. But that doesn't mean you should stop. And it doesn't mean that you're a dick either. What it means is you're saying something that hits them personally. And, you know, then maybe you shouldn't go see Jim Norton.

And that sounds like a fucked up thing to say, but really that's the reality of the situation. What you're doing is a style of art. People who don't want to be scared don't go see The Conjuring or The Evil Dead because they don't like,

I don't like horror movies. How come nobody's trying to stop horror movies? People that don't like them don't go to see them. Right. So the same way should be with

certain types of humor. And what's, when you break it down, what's the worst that can happen if you see something, like, am I going to talk

about something that they don't show on Law and Order constantly? Jesus, the whole thing's a fucking rape murder fest. Everything people like is a rape or a murder or some kind of voyeurism and I will acknowledge and honor

people's abhorrence to violence when there's an accident in the southbound lane and the traffic in my lane doesn't slow down. People slow down to look because they want to see it. They want to fucking see it on some level, but they don't admit they want to see it. And I hate their lack of admission. Well, there's a weird exclusion thing too. If you're, you're discussing rape and you're not discussing murder, you know, if you have anything that involves rape in a tweet or something,'re you're a piece of shit or you

know you should have had a trigger warning in there like this is the attitude that a lot of people are taking about this stuff but why doesn't have why doesn't anybody have the same issues about murders you can talk about a murder you can talk like no it's very rare that people get upset at murder jokes or murder movies or anything murder. But there was an Obama thing recently where Obama said that he could have been Trayvon Martin. And I said, you know who else he could have been? He could have been a little kid that got killed by drones. Right. Nobody.

Right. That's a, I mean, it's not really a joke per se, but it's kind of like mocking him. You know, it's mocking the idiocy of this, but it's also bringing up murder. It's bringing up people getting hit with missiles and their bodies exploding. Why is that image any less disturbing than the image of rape? Are they equally disturbing? Are they both off the menu? Or why are we only going with rape off the menu?

How come there's like zero push to take murder off the menu? Their argument would be because, and again this is what they would say, is because rape, murder victims or people, murder is that you're not taught to be silent about murder. Okay. You're taught to be silent about rape and there's a lot of rape victims who are too scared to report the crime. No one is scared to report a murder unless it's a mob thing. Right. They're saying the perception of the crime is different and there's such a shame with it where there's not a shame with murder, there's not a shame with these other

things. And again, I heard what she said and I listened to it and I did get it but I won't, I don't do a whole shitload of jokes on rape victims anyway. But if that's the case, and it probably is the case, then be for

castration of rapists. Or fight the fact that the recidivism rate is so high in these fucking pigs because they're being let out of jail. Fight that. Don't worry about what dumb... Contributing to a fucking rape culture is nonsense. To say a comedian contributes to a rape culture

is simply bullshit and it's simplistic thinking. It's a way of saying, I don't like what you're saying and I don't want you to say it, but I can't come out with that. So I have to find a higher reason, which makes it sound like you shouldn't say it for this reason. Well, even the term rape culture, you know, someone on my message board said, do they have like meetings? They have a magazine. Like, is it really a culture? Like, what are you talking about? have like meetings they have a magazine like is it really a culture like what do you what are you talking about and by calling it that by defining it in those terms calling it rape culture you

would you put quotes around that it starts to be real and what i don't mean that it's going to encourage people to rape but i mean the idea that there's a culture that supports rape is going to be real it's going to be something that people address as if it's real, regardless of whether or not it is. Is it real that people rape? Absolutely. But is it real that our culture supports it? Fuck no, man. Of course not.

Most people have moms. Most people have sisters. What we have a problem with in this country is a lot of people are making shitty human beings. There's a lot of terrible fucking parents who are doing a shitty job, and they're making shitty human beings, And they're also raising these shitty human rings around a bunch of other kids that were created by shitty human beings. And they don't know what the fuck they're doing

either. And no one's paying attention to their kids. Making a human being and raising a human being is a massive undertaking. And all the people out there that are doing their best, I commend you and congratulate you. All the parents out there that are doing their best, I commend you and congratulate you. All the parents out there that are taking their kid to wrestling classes and martial arts and their daughter to dance classes or martial arts if she wants to do it or anything. Where you're getting them involved in activities, building discipline in them, developing their character. Most people don't get that in this life. Right. They don't get taught how to behave, how to be a good human being, the qualities and the values of friendship and community. That should be bestowed upon children

at a very early age. But for most of us, we have to get the fuck out of the house before we can even figure out that on our own. And we figure it out by friendships and we figure it out by meeting people in life and learning from them. But we're doing a real shit job of raising kids right out of the box. And so you come into life with a deficit. And that deficit manifests itself in a bunch of shitty fucking behavior. Whether it's violence or whether it's rape, whether

it's stealing, whether it's plagiarism, whether it's taking advantage of people in any way. What are you doing? why are you doing that? Why are you being such a shitty human being? And that's what is not emphasized enough in our culture. It's not just about making money.

It's not about getting ahead. It's about cultivating good friendships and a happy life. And the only way you could do that is to be nice. Those motherfuckers that are ruthless businessmen, those guys are all depressed. Yeah. They're all a bunch of fucking crazy assholes

taking Ambien to go to sleep. Yeah. Abusing hookers. Nothing. But, hey, easy. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Most of them need their throats cut.

Like, honestly, I think that would change a little bit if we dragged a few of those business guys, not all of them, but a few of them into the street and killed them in the street.

I think that they would stop stealing people's money. Yeah. Do I have time to piss? I'm going to piss my pants. Go piss your pants. Go piss out of your pants. Those radio guys aren't used to doing the commercials.

Yeah, these pussies. You little 15-minute radio bladder. Yeah, we're used to holding it for three hours while drinking C2O coconut juice. That's right, C2O coconut juice. People say, Joe Wilkin, why do you drink C2O? I'll tell you why. This is not a commercial. They don't pay me anything, but they send me coconut juice. It's really good because it's from Thai coconuts. A lot of you have had coconut juice and you're like, oh my God, this stuff tastes like ass. You're right.

A lot of it tastes like ass. Thai coconuts, a different animal. It's short. It's like only like five feet tall and it grows in this like, it's almost like a bush. It's a totally different thing. You know, you think of those long, tall ones, the coconuts at the top? Those aren't so good. But the Thai coconuts, oh, it's, like, sweet. Oh, yeah. It's so great, too, like, if you're, like, hungover

or when you wake up in the morning, you're just, like, dehydrated. Yeah. You chug that. Yeah, I found out from my friend Edwin at Jiu-Jitsu. He came in and brought a case of this shit and started handing it out to people. And I go, what is this?

I'd never had it. I'd had coconut juice and it was gross. But you know what's the best shit? Right out of a coconut. Yeah, that's my thing where they chop off the top and you have a little straw. Ooh, that's so good. And you eat a little of the skin that's in there.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Scoop it out with a spoon. That's the best. If you can just hack the top off of a delicious coconut and get a straw in that bitch. You know what's weird? I just found, you know, I talked, I think we talked about this last podcast and we talked briefly talked about it today.

I just found out like the blue cigarettes, the one that we always talk about with that one dude in it, you know, the sexy guy that's smoking the fake cigarette, Stephen Dwarf, that company blue is owned by the third largest tobacco company. Oh, there you go. And then the second largest just bought a new company, and that's what their thing is now. That's the way they're hooking the kids on nicotine now. We have these fake cigarettes with the cool blue lights, and we're making them flavored so they taste like watermelons.

So now that's how they're getting you again, and then they're making it better now. I know somebody that just got one of these cigarettes. She's like, I quit smoking. I'm like, oh, that's great. And I was like, what do you got? Well, I got one of these electronic cigarettes. She sat there. I watched her for probably like five hours, nonstop, just sucking

on that thing like it was air. How about those batteries? That's pretty impressive. Yeah, those batteries last pretty well. They're rechargeable, and they even have little USB plugs, so they seem like a cool technology toy Yeah, they have a box I've seen them they have like a metal box or a plastic box that they charge it in Some of them some of them like the ones that the one I have actually has this thing

You just hook up and has a USB cable you hook up to your the Jenny McCarthy one that she's pitching She's got the opposite of the Stephen Dorff commercial. What are we doing? We're doing blue commercials for these fucking people. How was the gathering of the juggalos? Did anything crazy happen? No, it's funny. Those guys from ICP have been really nice to me. I was hesitant to do that gig because I hear it's like you're in the woods. Oh, yeah.

I have never watched this. I can't watch myself. What was this? This was a TV show, right? This is their show on Fuse. I was one of the first interviews they've done. What's their show on Fuse? What is it? Where they just watch videos and kind of mock them. It's like a Beavis and Butthead

thing. They smushed you in between them. This is uncomfortably close. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's part of it to make you... I think I was one of the first interviews they ever did. Why did they want to touch you like that while they're sitting there? I don't know. I think it was just for camera framing. What a shitty job of camera framing. Yeah, they just block us all in there. That's ridiculous. That's like... Who's doing it? Their cousin? I think it was just for camera framing. What a shitty job of camera framing. Yeah, they just block us all in there. That's ridiculous.

That's like, who's doing it? Their cousin? I think that they just like the uncomfortability of it. The fact that it just looks weird. Yeah. But the Gathering of the Juggalos, the travel to it is an abomination. But it was a really good gig. And there was like 700 people in a tent.

I mean, they were nice. They were a little bit chatty but nowhere near what you'd expect in an outdoor festival gig like I loved right and they were no fucking nice one of my favorite porn girls was there cuz she's a big fan of them and I got this was your favorite porn girl she's one of them I heard his pepper Kester yeah you go like pepper goes deep to the bottom of the obscure porn stars. She has a redhead, right? Yeah, really big pussy lips. Yes.

I want to fucking, I want to just, I want to wear her pussy on my fucking nose. And she was there? She was there? She's a big fan of them, yeah. So that was the highlight for me. Did you get her backstage? Did you hang out with her? We're friends, no.

We don't do anything. She does mostly, but I understand that she does mostly lesbian porn. I have no shot at fucking her. But I still, I genuinely like her. She's cool. There'll be no sexual... And she doesn't mind you beating off thinking about her? Oh no, she's fine with it. I'm trying to work her up where I can

walk behind her and beat off. Has she been listening to ONA about you talking about her? Has she said anything about that? People tweet her and she's happy that we do, but I've had dinner with her once. Really? Yeah, but I knew it was just going to be a hang and she was actually really nice. Oh, that's cool. Can I plug my special? Fuck yeah. Go ahead, I'm had dinner with her once. Really? Yeah, but I knew it was just going to be a hang, and she was actually really nice. Oh, that's cool.

Can I plug my special? Fuck yeah. I've been forgetting to plug it. Go ahead. I'm going to take a leak. Go ahead. Plug away. It's called American Degenerate,

and it premieres on Epix on this month, August the 23rd. Yeah, I'm looking all over. What an unprofessional. Have a look at the camera. Am I looking at the wrong one? Yeah, there's the piece of it. Oh, they're showing me talking. And it's August 23rd. It's on Epix.

And if you don't have Epix, it's epixhd.com and you can get a trial subscription. So whether or not you want to keep Epix is up to you. But get the trial subscription online and then you can watch it whenever you want. But I'm actually really happy with it. Is this something that you're going to eventually...

Do you own this? I do own it. So eventually you can, like, sell it? I will, yeah. Cool. But I want people to go and to see it there because Epix gave me money to do it and they artistically got out of my way.

They're amazing as far as, for a comedian. The only thing you could do better than with them as a network is just do it and shoot it yourself and put it on your own TV because they're very, very good about leaving you alone, which is all a comedian wants is to be left the fuck alone from a network.

I know that Sam Roberts is in town right now. Are you guys going to get to hook up and do anything? I think he's coming in tonight. I probably won't see him. I'm just too busy. I'm doing a bunch of shit today and a bunch of shit tomorrow and then I go home on Wednesday. I'm very, very busy every day. But I came out and I

wanted to, because it'll be on Netflix in like eight months. Right. But I legitimately wanted to do promo for this network because they've taken good care of me and you don't get many people

like that anymore that give you the fucking freedom, you know, because every network person wants to get their hands in your business. Right.

And they don't do that. What, for doing your special? For Epix, yeah. They've been really good about it, man. And the opening, they were a little hesitant. I got an opening which I was really happy. I got man. And the opening, they were a little hesitant. I got an opening, which I was really happy.

Like, I got someone special for my opening. And they were a little like, uh. But, you know, it wound up working out, and they left me alone, and they were happy with it. Who's on your opening? I don't want to say. I'll show it to you. I'll show it to you. I have to email it to you.

It's a secret, Jimmy. It is, and I should. Because last year, I had Ozzy do it, and Ozzy and Sharon both tweeted it. Like, they really helped me out. Oh, that's awesome. But this one, Jonathan, if you're listening, could you email it and Ozzy and Sharon both tweeted it. They really helped me out. Oh, that's awesome. But this one, Jonathan, if you're listening, could you email it to me and I'll email it to Joe because I have not no one has seen it. There's like four people that have seen it. I don't mean like that big special

secret nobody gives a fuck, but I mean I just have it sugar. I understand you don't want to let out this secret. You got a secret. You crafted something. You put together a little secret. But I'm going to use it to promote the special. It's nice that Epix is not fucking with you and they're letting you do whatever you want. That's the only way to do it. I've done, I tried before I ever did my first Comedy Central special.

It was on Spike first, actually, and then it was on Comedy Central. But before that, there was a round I went where they went over some of my material. And they were like, no, you can't say this. No, you can't say that. This is no good. You can't even beep that out. It got to be like, all right, we can't say this. No, you can't say that. This is no good. You can't even beep that out. It just got to be like, all right, we can't do this. It's too frustrating to have to have all that stuff.

They didn't have any content issue. As long as you're not slandering somebody or liable, whichever is the spoken word. You've got to be careful. You can't walk up and just say things that are going to get you sued. That's the only thing they cared. They were fine with it. They were very hands sued. That's the only thing they cared. Like, they were, like, fine with it. They were very hands-off. That's beautiful.

It was refreshing. Well, you know what it is, Jimmy? I think that the same thing that we were talking about, how there's a broad spectrum of art that people like, whether it's music or movies or whatever, there's also a broad spectrum of content distribution methods. And the one that we've all been stuck with was television. 15 minutes commercial, another 15 minutes commercial.

All these fucking commercials and all these breaks and all this editing and all this censorship and all this shit they're trying to sell in between Toyota cars and Tide fucking detergent and all this shit that they're doing. Other than the actual performance itself, then all of a sudden the internet comes along. And then, like Louis C.K. did, you release it all, you sell it for five bucks, you watch the whole thing, it's an entirety, and then you go, well, why would I ever fucking do it any other way?

Why would I try to listen to a bunch of other people try to shape it and then put sandwich commercials in it and then censor it. It's such a shitty way of distributing content. Yeah, and you're right. The only way we knew was that. That's all we ever had. Now there's a new way. And Louis changed a lot of things

because the networks realized that they have a certain amount of power still, but that is slipping and slipping. I think you could do an online special if you wanted to. I did one. Oh, you did? Yeah, my last one was online. if you wanted to. I did one. Oh, you did? Okay.

Yeah, my last one was online. It was totally online. I paid for it, did it online, and then sold it to Comedy Central. So it's sold to Comedy Central now, and I'm going to do another one. And I'm going to do it the same way. And it's like, and Louis set a perfect bar, too, so nobody can get greedy. You know, because, you know, Louis, like, top shelf,-plus stand-up comic, one of the greatest of our generation without a doubt.

Between him and Rock and Chappelle, there's like four or five people that are the greatest of our generation. So if he puts up a $5 special, that's what it costs now. That's what it costs. Everybody's going to do $5 now because if somebody stepped up first and tried to do $20, it would have been one of those things. What do I price it at yeah he made it super reasonable wasn't just that he was the pioneer

in doing the first one like this but also that he set the bar as far as like the uh the the expense he said it really reasonably yeah it was very smart very smart to do that i like that it's it's a good and it's it's also when you cut out all the other bullshit, like as far as like, you cut out all the other bullshit as far as like networks and commercials and putting them on, you know, the amount of production money that has to be paid off by commercials and all that jazz. When we take all that out of the equation, it's like, it's pretty easy to get your money back.

You know, you don't have to sell that much to get your money back and then it becomes profitable. Unless you're dealing with one of these fucking networks or production companies that want to sneak in a 30% distribution fee on top of everything. They fuck so many guys doing that. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you get some back-end money, but they don't tell you that the 30% distribution fee, which is a VIG. You're paying a VIG. It comes off.

So it's like, well, we made $100, but no, we only made $70 because the 30% distribution fee comes off. I'm like, what's it for? Well, it's just a distribution fee. It's a non-existent fucking thing. So, you know, it's nice to be on my own with this one. And I own it. And Epic's just leasing it. And they were amazing about it.

Well, you're on Sirius. And you guys are on five days a week or sometimes four. Monday through Friday. Monday through Friday. Now, do you ever think about doing something on your own? Do you see like, in the time that you're on, like you guys were one of the first on Sirius Satellite Radio and, you know, in my opinion, like that move that where we guys shifted over to Sirius Satellite Radio, that changed a lot of like people's ideas of like how to do a radio show because between you guys and stern all of a sudden we heard swearing on a regular basis on a radio

show and it became brewer brewer's show um brewer unleashed you got to hear like people just hanging out and then i think that is what gave birth to a lot of podcasts yeah but you don't do a podcast no well you know what it is i it is? I get 20 hours a week with those guys and we replay all day. I have five nights a week on Ozzy's Boneyard. I host the music show.

Right. And I do my own advice show once a week on Wednesdays for an hour. Five nights a week you do Boneyard? Yeah, but it's only, again, you know,

you pre-tape it, but yeah, I mean, my voice is heard five nights a week on Boneyard. And again, the one hour advice show I love on Wednesday.

That's actually some of the most fun. Thank you, man. I love doing that. I love that show. But my voice is heard a lot. And I'm freed up to do my stand-up, which is what I want to do. And I have two shows that I want to get on the air. That's my new obsession.

Talk show? One talk show, and I have one scripted show, which I actually think is good. And I'm ultra-critical on my shit, and I always think it stinks. But I'm actually happy with this, so hopefully I'll be able to get it sold or do it online. I'm just not big enough to do it online yet. I hope you never leave ONA, but if you ever did leave ONA, you would have a gigantic fucking podcast.

I don't know. I feel like I wouldn't, and I mean, maybe I would, but I feel like I would be like, I would be afraid to do that, man. I love interviewing people, though. I love doing it, but- It be afraid to do that, man. Like, I love interviewing people, though. Like, I love doing it, but... It's that East Coast podcast, man. They just don't trust podcasts on the East Coast. No, you know what it is?

I got spoiled with radio because I'm so used to doing it that way that to do it on my own, like, I love your setup here. You have a bigger studio than we do, and I love the way you've got it set up, and it's a great hang, and it's well done. Yeah, well, this place, I just had realized that somewhere along the line i was eventually going to have to do something so i found this office space and just over the course of a few months put it together but it's really only become functional over the last few months because for the longest

time we had a terrible internet connection it's a pain in the dick to build something sure sure we had to get a fat pipe put in here so it's like like 100 megabytes up and down. It's a tremendous internet connection. So now we can stream easy with no hiccups, download things at ridiculous speeds. Before we were crippled with a shitty DSL connection. There's a lot of things that go into building one of these things or hiring people to build one of these things. But it's cool to do because it's cool to make it your way. Like, I want a brick behind me. Okay, let's make it bricks.

I want a werewolf in the lobby. Okay, let's get a werewolf you know i want a oak wall or oak table that's made out of 100 year old reprocessed farmwood or reclaimed farmwood so you can do shit like that because it's yours yeah because you don't have to go through a bunch of producers like well what we want is the you see this thing behind me this goofy fucking thing i love that thing yeah this is this is this is created by producers. I want one of these. These things on the wall, these black things

that look like a swastika. Yeah, that shit's so good. They were claiming, people were claiming that's a swastika. I don't mind it, though. You know what? It doesn't hurt the room at all.

I think the whole setup here is great, man. I would be too nervous to do my own podcast. Oh, you're so crazy. You'd be awesome at it. I don't know. I bore myself a lot.

I hate listening to myself. Unless I'm doing Uncle Paul, then it doesn't sound like me at all. Then I can listen to it. Well, that is the problem with doing a lot of hours, right? You do a lot of hours on the radio, and after a while, you're like, God damn it, I don't have...

I think that sometimes we do three in a week. We do three three-hour shows in a week. I'll be like, yeah, we have. But after three, three is where I feel like I don-hour shows in a week. I'll be like, yeah, we have. But after like three, like three is where I feel like I don't want to hear me anymore. You know, I'm tired of me. So you must be tired of me too.

No, yeah, it's 20 hours a week we do. And, you know, again, it's draining sometimes, but it's also fun. But it's also developed your conversation skills. And that's one of the reasons why I really enjoy you, like in that Lindy West thing. It was a fascinating debate. you were the perfect person for that because you're so succinct with your words you're so used to being involved in uh disagreements with people that you where you know

how to keep things civil no matter what like one of my favorite disagreements with you was the jesse ventura one yeah or jesse ventura got all dicky with you. Yeah. And he tried to get, like, he tried to get abusive. He tried to get, he put his hand on you. Yeah. He tried to bully you a little bit. A little bit, yeah. And you called him out on it.

It was really interesting. Yeah, it's weird. Like, I'm much more likely, like, you said you don't like to see weak people. I don't like it either. Like, I'm much more likely to argue with a guy who could throw me through a wall. Yeah. And it's not a little man complex. It's just, I don't like, when Paris Hilton was in, she was not a good guest.

She was a vapid jizz bag. I hated her. But she wasn't being vicious. And I was like, it's just too easy to attack her. Right, right, right. It gives a fuck if I do. Jesse Ventura, I did not want to have this interaction with. I would have preferred it to be civil.

But the video does not tell the whole story. The audio the whole story but the video cuz Opie's so OCD and nuts he didn't tape all of it he taped like when it started to get heated but Jesse was more aggressive with me and you know when he patted me on the way out I knew he wasn't trying to hurt me but again the way for me to equal him was to pat him and he was fucking stupid. You don't want to go back that far. You don't want to go back that far with Kennedy. We can't go back that far in Vietnam.

You said to me that we're with those guys. No, because this happened in 2004, pal. So we're not going back that far. You said we send our guys off to war without giving a shit. And I'm telling you that's not true.

Yes, it is. I agree with you. When did you go to war? I've never been in the military. There you go, sir. You don't know. But I say pull them out of everything. Because I've never been in the military, when you go, sir. You don't know. But I say pull them out of every... Because I've never been in the military,

when we are attacked by, I feel, a nation, we should not... It should be proven first. I feel we proved it. You feel we didn't. You also feel that fucking Bush was behind 9-11. So we're always going to disagree. Hey, don't put fucking words in my mouth.

You feel that the U.S. government was behind it and Bush was at the head of the U.S. government. I didn't say that. Who do you think is behind it? I just said... Our government's covering it just said we have not been told the truth. So you feel that Bush... Well, okay, wait a minute, alright? If you'll calm down a moment.

You're yelling. You said the F word. You're the government. The F word! I'm only talking your language so you'll understand. No, you shouldn't bring it down to my level. Bring me up to yours. You know, I want to solve what you said about... Let me answer this question.

No, I want to solve what you said about... You know answer this question. I want to solve what you said about... If you're not going to let me talk, I'm out the door. You've been talking the whole time. All you do is yell over people, and you don't want to address point by point. You act like we say, send our boys to war, fuck them. We've never said that. I agree with you. I want to pull them out of Germany.

I want to pull them everywhere. The U.S. military should never be dying for other countries. I don't care what happens. Fuck them! I don't care if Kim Jong-il takes this out. That's not my business. I just think that if we're attacked, we have the right to want our military to respond. So that's not some warmonger saying, fuck the boys, send them over.

That's what I wanted to address. And he's just sitting there. He's sulking. He sits and looks at Jimmy. Why? That was a fair point I just made. You were wrong when you said that. I don't know, I didn't listen.

Oh. You just talk over everybody. Paul is, you're a big guy. I talked over you. You're just now yelling at me because I'm not talking. I'm not yelling at you, I'm just yelling about your point. You accused us of something. No, I didn't accuse you.

Sure you did. You guys are just full of shit. You're an interesting guy, Jimmy, because you're a liberal in a lot of ways, but you're also conservative in a lot of ways. What is that? Oh, thank you, John. Okay. You're very conservative and right-wing in a lot of ways. Certainly.

But you're also very liberal. Do you hear what you're saying in this and you still stand by what you're saying? About pulling our military out of everywhere? Yeah. Absolutely. Fuck the rest of the world. Wow. Fuck Egypt.

I'm sick of giving them money when people here don't eat. I'm tired of us fucking telling everybody else how to live their lives, and we don't do it. We tell people, don't do this, don't do that, and meanwhile, if two guys want to get married, they can't. If we were not full of shit and we were consistent, I'd be fine with it. Right. I just think that the rest of the world, fuck them.

But do you really believe that we were attacked by a country? I believe... You were talking about sending troops into other countries? I'm in Afghanistan, not Iraq. Right. But did you think we were attacked by a country? I believe... You were talking about sending troops into other countries? Well, I meant Afghanistan, not Iraq. Right. But did you think we were attacked by Afghanistan? No, but what I meant by that, and there's more to this, was the fact that the Taliban held bin Laden

and shielded bin Laden and refused to give him to us was what I felt happened. I felt that they were complicit in allowing him to operate there. So while the whole country didn't attack us, I feel had they just given us bin Laden, we never would have attacked Afghanistan. But you're a smart guy, and you know that the line that you get from the media,

whether press releases or what have you, you know it's garbage. So why would you think that they really were shielding Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan? When you know what you know about Jessica Lynch, where they lied about Jessica Lynch being rescued, she was kidnapped, and meanwhile she was just in a hospital in Iraq, and they didn't even fire a bullet when they got her out of there. And she actually was pretty vocal about it,

and in that received death threats and was threatened by numerous people. She was called a traitor because she didn't go along with the company line. And then, of course, you know the Pat Tillman story, you know the difference between his brother's version of the events and his brother's version of how his brother Pat Tillman felt about being in the war once he was there. So different from what the government was saying in their press releases. what the government was saying in their press releases. And then when we found out that it was actually friendly fire that killed them, it was actually killed by American troops, the whole thing becomes incredibly complex and really fucked up. And you're realizing that someone's lying to you, and they're painting a bad picture.

So why would you assume that they're telling you the truth about Osama bin Laden being hid by the Taliban in Afghanistan? In that case, I believed it. At the time? Yeah, and I still think the Taliban knew he was there and was happy he was there. But I don't blame them. They're religious fanatics. He's a religious fanatic.

I get it. I get the connection. Have you ever talked to special forces guys? I know you talk to a lot of those guys. You have them on your podcast. We had Chris Kyle on. Yeah, the guy who was killed. Have you ever talked to them about Osama bin Laden?

Yeah, we have, sure. A lot of them don't think that that guy was even alive. They think he had been dead a long time ago and that they just decided to use it as a good time to say they got him. You know, Benazir Bhutto, that woman that was killed in an explosion? Remember that?

No, I... Is that her name? Was she the one who was shot, killed shot? Who was the woman that was killed? President? Or she was running for president? God damn. I wish I knew. I'm such a fucking idiot when it comes to foreign policy. Anyway, she said, whoever this woman was,

she said that yeah, that's it. Benazir Bhutto. She was killed in 2007. She said that she went to his funeral. I mean, she was a prime minister of Pakistan two consecutive terms non-consecutive terms I think it was a bomb

and she said I mean this is not a woman that has any reason to lie she said she went to his fucking funeral maybe it was one of those fake funerals to honor maybe or just to fucking put out maybe they knew that bitch would tell so let's let's bring it to a fake funeral she'll talk some shit we made a fake Osama bin Laden and then he can hide in Pakistan that's possible too it didn't really

help Obama I mean like I firmly believe I do think that he was there and I do think that they just caught him the way they said. I don't believe everything the government tells me at all, but in this particular case, it makes sense to me and it's not that difficult a stretch for me to make that he was holed up there and they finally got him. It took ten fucking years. I don't see the government

being patient enough or anybody not wanting to grab, like Bush was getting slaughtered in the polls. There's no way anybody on the Republican side would have allowed that to continue, where they could have grabbed the glory for it, as opposed to under Obama's watch. So do I believe that the Taliban, if it was the French government, I would not have believed they were hiding him. Even Saddam Hussein, I probably wouldn't have believed.

And I was originally for the Iraq war, and then I'm against it. I shouldn't have been for it. But with Afghanistan, I feel they were much more of religious fanatics, and you see the way the Taliban are, and I do think that they were protecting him and they were okay with him being there. So that was why I was okay with us lashing out at them. Iraq was a mistake and I wish we hadn't gone there because I think that most of the Iraq people don't give a fuck about us. And I don't think American lives should be shed over that shit.

Like I believe in pulling, get them out of Germany too. Why are we in fucking Germany? It's a waste of money. Yeah, but do you think that we're really in Iraq for the Iraq people? No. No. Of course not. We're in Iraq to make some money. They're in Iraq to control oil.

Then we should say that. Most likely, right? Then we should say that. Yeah, well, you can't say that because nobody's going to agree to go to war then. I mean, that's been the strategy from the beginning of time. That's what Eisenhower warned people about when he was leaving office. That's what people have always said. I mean, did you ever read that Smedley Butler thing he wrote? He was a general in like 1935.

I think we both know I haven't. So it's kind of a famous piece. It's called War is a Racket. And he wrote this whole thing about his entire career in the military being a racket. And it was all about money, about bankers and about oil companies and about all these different things where he was really he thought he was doing one thing but he's really just protecting the interests of these gigantic institutions and when you read it it's really hard to read because it's hard to wrap your head around the fact that this was 1930 something

and it's the same now it's the same way now almost 100 years later 80 fucking 80 fucking years later. And it's basically the same. You know, I agree with a lot more of that than I would have five or six years ago. What's changed? Just, you know, guys like Bernie Madoff and all these, it's just growing up a little bit more or looking at things differently or reading more about, you know, just whatever. Whatever changes in opinion over time, I'm never afraid of looking back and going, oh, I should have thought another way on that. Right. I don't have, that's why I don't, again, I don't try to convince an audience that I'm right. I'm

just honest about my opinion. Yeah. We all have that 500. Well, you're brave with your opinions too, which is important. You know, you, if you really believe it, you, you have a reason for believing it and you're willing to talk about it. You know, I think that's a rare thing. People don't want to do that. They don't want to take chances with controversial subjects. It's a very controversial subject to defend war or even to criticize war. It's controversial. It's like, you know, it becomes a topic of heated discussion always.

I feel like with the Afghan government, again, if I found out that they weren't shielding bin Laden, I'd say, oh, again, if I found out that they weren't shielding bin Laden, I'd say, oh God, I was wrong about that. Well, what you really find out about the Afghan government is that we pay the brother of Karzi by the CIA. He's a drug dealer. The CIA's been paying him for almost a fucking

decade or something crazy like that. Have you interviewed Saad Massani? No. Who's that? He's a buddy of Jonathan's. He knows everything about it. He's from Afghanistan. Oh, yeah? What does he do? He runs Moby. He's like the Rupert Murdoch of Afghanistan. What's Moby?

It's a media company. He's a TV station there. Ah. Saad knows everything. In Afghanistan? He knows everything about Afghanistan. Oh, my God. And he could tell you about the Taliban because he's communicated with them.

He knows them. Right. And he's a guy you would love, love to have on the show. He's a great guest. That sounds awesome. Really, really bright guy. He would be able to answer that question very well. And he would be very accurate in whatever he said, because he knows those guys. You know what my favorite story about Afghanistan is? How they talk the Taliban into giving up the position. Or how they talk the warlords, the local guysiban into giving up the position are they how they talk to warlords the local guys into giving up the position for the taliban you know how they do it viagra yes they give them viagra they're like guns i don't need guns pussy i have 20 wives then i cannot even get it up yeah

and then they're like oh okay we got you we know what you need here son all of a sudden these old dudes are just naked with perpetual hard-ons just running these harems that they have up there what a barbaric way of living life they have i mean they they have these these what a lot of people don't realize about afghanistan is if you watch uh documentaries on it or talk to people that have been there it really is like it's frozen in time. Like there's people that are warlords and they control segments of the land and then they're bordered by other warlords. These guys have like 20 wives and it's a weird, wacky sort of a way of life.

15th century it feels. Yeah. 15th century. I don't relate to it at all. Again, I don't think we should be over there interacting. Not that we should never have interaction with the countries but the fact that we try to throw our ideas into other people's business yeah like i don't care what north korea does it's nothing to do with me um all that money we waste on fucking other countries should be spent on american

citizens and if we want Obamacare fine let's take care of everybody take that billion you're giving to Egypt and then fucking give it back to the American people like give people here who have their fucking pensions taken away give them that billion dollars like we waste

so much money and I think that like you said the asterisk with that should be if anybody attacks us physically, our response should be embarrassingly bad. Like it should be embarrassingly strong and devastating. So I think that should be the only, that should be the thing. Like you do what you want, but if you come into our yard, we will blast you out of existence. Well, I think that as a stand-up... Which is very childish, by the way, I'm sure.

Yeah. Well, I'm childish in a lot of ways, too. But as a stand-up comedian, I think it's ridiculous for me to try to even attempt to understand what it must be like to run a foreign policy. Yeah. Just to say that. Sure, sure, sure. But if you look at the entirety of the situation, you would see that there would, I would think that there's probably a benefit in giving a lot of people money. Because they make you, they're indebted to you.

Those people are indebted to you and then you can kind of do things. Sure. You can put bases over there. You can extract resources. You can do all the shit the United States does. Sure. And we can't do all that if we don't give the money and if we don't give the money and then they all start fucking forming their own organizations then it's not one world power anymore like it is now

right like the reason why one world power works is because we put the whole world into sort of a perpetual welfare state where the whole world relies on the united states either for military support or from financial support or something and by doing that you kind of it it's it's a terrible way of looking at it but the reality is when you have these countries that are indebted to you those countries kind of owe you you can get them to do shit and stay calm and they don't try to take over the world you know they owe a fuckload of money you have military bases there and you keep things on that level right and when when you tell people how many bases the United States has in other countries, most people have no idea.

There's more than a hundred different countries in the world that have United States military presence. Like, when you hear about that, you go, wait a minute, what?

Yeah, and this is what I love about us. And again, I love America. I really do. And I do think we're in a great country. I mean, you talk about American exceptionalism,

and I believe a lot of it, and some of it I think is a bit overblown. But I have patriotism and pride and this is not about me. Oh, fuck America at all. I just hate the hip... Because the same mentality

that do as I say, not as I do shit trickles down into our daily lives and eventually affects us as comics and performers because people feel comfortable being self-righteous or duplicitous. And it makes me fucking crazy. But we're bellyaching about Snowden. What the

fuck do we think the Soviets are going to do? We have had our door open to Soviet defectors forever. And we cry that they're keeping him? Of course they should keep him. I don't blame the Soviets for not giving him back. We're going to huff and fucking puff when all we've done is say, hey, if you're a defector, come on over.

We'll take care of you. And we should do that. Not only that, do you know what the reason, like the critical boiling point was where they decided to accept his acceptance for his application for asylum? Thank you. Couldn't stumble through that quick enough. The United States was criticizing Russia for trying to silence political dissent. They literally had the balls to criticize Russia for silencing political dissent while the biggest whistleblower in the history of our country is sitting in their airport.

And they were like, really? Like, are you guys that fucking deft? Are you that fucking dumb? It's not deft. It's daft right we are though. Whatever the word is Yeah, we you guys that arrogant that you think that you can criticize us Well, we're holding the guy that fucking released all those documents that proved that you guys are lying twats Yeah, and then the government I mean he went on Obama went on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Was lying about it. Wasn't telling the truth about releasing the, first of all, he was saying that people are not being spied on.

But that's not true. People are being spied on. And they're telling the DEA, they're showing them how to fake an investigation so that they don't show that they got the records from the NSA. They're showing them how to retroactively piece together an investigation. So they say, well, we arrived at our results this way. If you already know someone's guilty because you have the NSA paperwork on them, email, phone calls, what have you, all you have to do is zoom in on this guy and then you could find the evidence and find a reason to uh to investigate him because you know he's guilty already you can just piece it together easily

and again i'm i'm were they doing that to american citizens for normal interactions or was it really for people who were using the uh loophole of being here and communicating so we couldn't get into like were the it's almost like somebody once said after 9-11 this the Constitution is on a suicide pact like were they attempting to and I don't know the answer to it were they attempting to use like America's laws kind of against it like well I was American citizens using the DEA the DEA was investigating American citizens for selling drugs always drug okay yeah as far as I know it's American citizens you were saying that. Yeah. As far as I know, it's American citizens. I believe so.

I'll have to go over the story again. Yeah, see that, I don't want that. I don't want to use that. I don't want to use that. Well, not just that. The real problem with it is not just the fact they're catching people doing things. Like, I'm all for you removing meth labs. Don't get me wrong.

The problem is you're also asking investigators to fake an investigation. And when you do that, you're asking public servants to lie. And you're asking people that to lie. And you're asking people that are in a very noble position, the position of law enforcement, you're asking them to behave unethically. You know what the fucking laws are. And you know, if you catch someone doing something and you don't want to reveal the message in which you caught them, so you think it's okay to lie, well, that's a slippery goddamn slope. That gets real slippery. You're faking an investigation. What else are you faking? I slow absolutely that gets real slippery yeah you're

faking an investigation what else are you faking well i mean that opens the door to you faking evidence that opens the door to you faking a lot of shit if you think that a person is is is guilty and you can't prove it and that's always been what's said that's how oj got off that's a whole mark firman thing that he might have you know people said he might be fucking planting evidence sure there's a lot of that shit is real. We see it all the time. There's a million videos on YouTube of cops that got busted planting things. Stories online. People get busted.

So that sort of mentality is extremely dangerous. And that's why I'm against it. Yeah. And that makes sense. And I'm against it for what is basically a perverse reason. It is just simply a dislike of this nosy cunt culture we have become. And it makes me crazy. So I like to see people

getting it. Like I like to see people going, oh, when it's me, it's different. And again, someone could sit down and go, well, don't you, of course I understand the difference between the government doing it and us looking at Tiger. Of course I get that.

Well, you know, sociologists have an interesting take on what's going on. And it's as far as our attraction to gossip and gossip magazines and TMZ-type things and celebrity gossip. And what they're saying is that we are in a weird point in time where we have the largest populations, big giant populations, but we don't know each other anymore. I mean, you live in New York City. You live in an apartment building each other anymore i mean you live in new york city you live in an apartment building right how many people live in your apartment building 45 stories a lot 45 stories of people how many is that is it a thousand five hundred a thousand

maybe i just don't know okay a thousand people think about that think about what a big neighborhood that is that's a massive neighborhood how many people in that fucking building do you know Think about what a big neighborhood that is. That's a massive neighborhood. How many people in that fucking building do you know? Literally my neighbor and a couple, maybe two. Yeah, it's craziness. So they're saying that we are missing a need for a community.

And we're missing, there's like a draw of like busybodying about each other. It's like finding what the cultural parameters and boundaries are. And establishing them by talking about shit. And normally there would be like a village and everybody in the village would be like 50, 100 people, whatever the fuck it is. And we would all kind of know each other's business and figure out what's cool and what's not cool. Sure. But when you're in this weird situation where you don't even know the people around you

and then you're watching, keeping up with the Kardashians, that fills the void where community should be. That's why people are so goddamn attracted to quote-unquote reality shows as opposed to scripted shows. Because they know when someone's being a dickhead, there's no script. They're just being a dickhead.

And you're like, oh, that bitch. I can't believe she said that to him. And they're really drawn into it because they're lacking a real community and a real established group of people that you interact with on a regular basis all the time in your village. And plus network tv do that to themselves by emasculating comedies and language and making everything so soft and wrapped up and palatable that it be that reality now stands out

so much more part of that is a lot of actually probably what you're saying and some of it is because the writing on regular television is so soft. Yeah. And that's, again, that's not, the writers are probably very good, but it's just such fucking predictable dreck. All of it is such shit. There's a lot of shit. A lot of it. The sitcoms especially. They're the worst.

There's no honest language. There's no honest interactions. Everything is presented in a way that you know is going to be presented. Have you seen the ads for the new Jackass movie, Bad Grandpa? No. Have you seen him? Holy shit, is it funny.

Oh, really? I went to see Elysium last night, and they had this ad for this Jackass film, and it's a film they did where they made up these scenarios and did all these little stunts, but they did them in front of real people. The people had no idea what was going on. I mean, it is fucking funny.

Like, laugh out loud funny. Because you don't realize as you're watching it, it's like, is this an act? Like, what is this? Keep going straight. You getting tired? Yeah. This isn't drawing so much.

Are we going to get in trouble for this? They won't notice a thing. That's how it looks most of the time anyway. What are y'all doing? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. These are real people. So we can look after you.

So what they did is they had some scripted shit. Right. And then they interacted with real people. That's funny. You're going to fix that penguin, with real people. That's funny. That's a great idea. But watch some of the shit that goes on. That's hilarious. You're pissing me off. Thank you for being here today.

Oh, God. What's your stripper stage name? I look like a stripper? I'll just call you Cinnamon. Want to have some fun? Yeah. You're a pretty little girl. You got it?

One of these girls is a boy in party. Is that weird? We've just never seen it so it's different. Watch this. I don't want to tell people who are listening to this what's happening because I could probably get in trouble for describing it. Look at the grandpa with the cash. Made it rain. It's fucking funny. I don't want to say anything.

Watch it on YouTube. Watch the. That's awesome. I didn't know about. But what they did was instead of making just another. Watch it on YouTube. Watch the... That's awesome. I didn't know about... But what they did was, instead of making just another... Am I on? Yeah.

What they did was, instead of making another goofy comedy, they made a hilarious thing where they did it in front of people and the people had no idea. So it is like a movie. Real reaction. They do have like a Borat sort of a situation

where they use real people as they're filming the movie. So great. They're going to have to do shit like that. Yeah. The same tired premises over and over again. I haven't been to comedy in quite a while. It's been a while since I saw an actual,

one of those movies, date movies or whatever. I don't care. I know what's going to happen. You're both going to get together in the end and everything's going to be funny and yay, ha ha. I'm tired of it. know what's going to happen. You're both going to get together in the end, and everything's going to be funny, and yay, ha ha. I'm tired of it, and everybody's tired of it. That's why something like this comes along, and it's just like, holy shit.

It feels different. What a great idea. It catches you off guard the way comedy is supposed to, or the way a film is supposed to. It feels like, oh, this is fresh. Did you see Borat? I never saw it. I saw parts of it.

I'll tell you. Oh, wait, wait. How dare you? I did see a lot of it. I didn't of it. I'll tell you. Oh, wait, wait. How dare you? I did see a lot of it. I didn't love it. I'll tell you why. What? I'll tell you why.

Because I love the Ali G show so much. I didn't like the parts of it were scripted. I like the Ali G show where I believe it was all real people. Right. I didn't like the fact that a lot of it was scripted in Borat. I didn't think it stunk. I didn't really do much for it. But they kind of had to do that yeah i'm sure they did like to get the it was uh there's some

very funny moments where he brings the bag of shit down like there's a lot of stuff that really made me laugh yeah yeah no it was amazing man uh i i love that kind of comedy more than anything his show the ollie g show there's a lot of people today they don't even know that i wonder if he's like going into hiding so that he can do it again. It's really almost like that show will never be erased from the... There's no way in this day and age you could sneak that past a publicist.

He needs another character that no one has seen before. But it would not just have to be another character. It would almost have to be another person. Because it's too... The internet is too goddamn... There's too much information about well you shoot them all things shoot them all first you shoot them all men you show them you don't shoot them week to week you could definitely do this yeah you'd have to do

like one season right I know a lot about TV production considering I can't get shit on the air it's amazing fucking pontificate you were in lucky Louie I was once again somebody else does something I just come along for the ride fucking I'll riding shotgun my name should be your your thing that you're You were in Lucky Louie. I was. Once again, somebody else does something and I just come along for the ride. Fucking Albrighting Shotgun, my name should be. Your thing that you're doing that's scripted, is this something you created yourself? Yes. And it's a sitcom?

It's like a single camera comedy about me being a comic and a sex addict. I think it's funny and I have like nine episodes written. Who are you going to bring it to? I brought it to a few different networks and they liked it but the problem was that Louie's a comedian. They're like,

well, we don't want it because Louie's, which I get, so I changed it to being a radio show host which I actually like a lot better and I've just been

kind of frazzled with it. I just haven't done anything with it. I'm so stupid. What do you mean? What's wrong with you? I just, I, you know,

I don't get this stuff done. Like, I should get it done. I have a manager. I have a personal appearance agent, but I don't have an agent. And we get as much done as we can. Why don't you have an agent? I don't know. That's a good question.

You're so logical about other aspects of your life. Yeah, well, again, because I zone out sometimes. I'm just fucking online, being a creep. How much of your time is spent being a sex addict? So much, dude. How much of your daily life? It's hard to say. When I'm doing good, I'm doing good.

But when I'm doing bad, there's been times where literally I get home from radio at 11. And then all of a sudden, it's like I've eaten and stuff. But it's like, man, it's 8.30. I've got to go to work. The whole day was wasted. It's like so many of those days. It's like being in a fog. Plus, I got to go to work. The whole day was wasted. It's like so many of those days. It's like being in a fog. Plus, I don't sleep at all.

Really? No, I'm always tired because of fucking dumb sleep apnea. You haven't done anything with your sleep apnea? I've done two tests. Literally, the only thing worse than a pedophile is a fucking sleep apnea test technician. Those fuckers. I knew what I needed, and I'll never forgive the woman for not testing me for it. I need an ASV machine, which handles complex apnea.

And I'm finally going in for a test with a new company, probably within the next few weeks. But I need a mask that fits me properly. I need a custom-made mask. And there was a place that did them in Dallas, but I can't find them anymore. You lost weight. Yeah, thank you. I did. Did that make an impact on your sleep apnea? No, because it really wasn't that.

It might have made the obstructive apnea a bit different, which is when your throat closed up because of your tongue blocking it. Yeah. But the central apnea, I don't think is affected by weight at all. What's the difference? When your brain just doesn't say breathe. That's what's going on with you? I have both. It's called complex. Obstructive is I'll lay there on my back and my tongue goes...

I make that horrible sound. But then there's times where I'm laying on my side and I'll just go... And I'll wake up... And I'll realize I haven't breathed. My body didn't try to breathe. So what happens is I wake up with an intense itch somewhere, like in my neck or my stomach, or I have to piss, or I wake up like, because your brain sends adrenaline to your heart to wake you up because you're not breathing. Wow. And what is the cause of that?

Oxygenization of the blood. There's something off with that. They don't know completely. The central apnea is a newer one that they're addressing. Obstructive, they've done a lot with. Central apnea, they don't know as much about. And the masks are okay, but it's hard to find a mask that you're totally comfortable with. The ASV machine is a very advanced machine. It monitors your breathing, and when I'm not attempting to take a breath it will do it

for me and it will force the air in whereas most c-pap machines just are patterned so they're kind of patterning your breathing just to keep your throat open so your tongue doesn't block it but the the the breathing so this asv machine has to do that and it has to calculate when your brain isn't trying to breathe. It's a really fucking weird, frustrating situation because I'm an insomniac anyway so I can't fall asleep with the mask. Do you think any of this has to

do with, is there any psychological things going on? Sure, I'm sure some of it. The falling asleep part is. When I'm acting out sexually I don't sleep as well. If I'm jerking off to videos right before, it fucks my mind up, man. Like, when I'm off sex shit for a week or so and I'm not jacking off and I'm not obsessing, it's like my brain goes, and I can breathe and think normally and live normally.

But when I am constantly fucking getting that dopamine drip, like, I literally was recently, I kept jerking off before sleep and I wasn't coming. I would edge, I would get myself close before sleep, and I wasn't coming I was just get I would edge I get myself close and then stop and then get myself close and I realized this the other night. I feel high Like I'm getting myself fucking high like I'm like a chimp or a fucking gerbil going for a little fucking I'm just I'm going for this high feeling and then I can sleep a sick thing. How long have you had this issue? My whole life. Your whole life? Long before I drank, long before I did drugs, there was this.

So, you know, the sexual shit, like the jerking off didn't start until I was like 10 or 12 or whatever it was. But the edging, I don't come a lot of times because that's the end of the high. That's the end of the road. So it's like I just keep it going, and I keep it going because then you don't know where it's going to go. And I don't come for days or weeks on end because I'm like well like we're a week on end I should say

because when I come I piss more because my fucking prostate is all fucked up because I've been edging it's a disaster dude your prostate fucks up because you don't come

yeah when I when I start and stop and start and stop and start and stop and I finally come then I have to piss like an animal you know what I mean I think it just fucks you up a little

bit I don't know exactly what that is I don't have so this is but this is obviously something that you don't like about yourself I hate it you know I hate it but I'm what you Joker joke around about it and you make a lot of comedy about it because it's there it's always present but have you ever thought about doing something to stop it oh yeah without a doubt me what would you do um I would need to go to a certain 12-step meeting, which I've attempted to go to or I've gone to, talk to people in those fellowships that get it

and understand it and don't go, ah, you're just a guy being a guy. Like, they get it, man. Like, you know. And I would have to just stop doing it. Like, it's really difficult because it's like you act out. Like, if I drink, I drink. If I get high, I get high.

Of course, I don't do those things but sexual shit is thought and it's like food is really hard because you have to eat to live but with sexual shit you know it's if i'm if i start thinking it that triggers stuff and it's really really difficult to not fall into that pattern i i could offer you something um i could offer you i don't know if you could do it, but what you should think about doing is an ayahuasca session. What is that? Ayahuasca is a shamanic session in Peru. Usually they do it in Peru or Brazil.

You could do it in America, but it's not legal, where you're doing this combinatory psychedelic drug that allows you to look at your life. I couldn't do the drug. Look at all the issues that you have. That's wrong. It's not a drug like that. Yeah.

It's not a drug. It gets you high and fucked up. It doesn't get you fucked up. It shows you what's going on with your life. It'll show you all the, it's the recidivism rate, like the, the rate of fixing recidivism and things like a heroin addiction.

And it's one of the best cures ever that. And there's another one, another psychedelic drug called Ibogaine. Ibogaine, if you know anything about Hunter S. Thompson, that's what he accused Ed Muskie of being on during the 1970 political campaigns, presidential campaigns. He wrote some stories in the Rolling Stone

saying that there was rumors that Ed Muskie had brought in a Brazilian doctor and he was high on Ibogaine. Wow, I never heard of that. But Ibogaine is actually a different kind of drug than what he was describing. It's actually a self-reflective drug, massively effective at curing people with addictions. I have a friend who had an OxyContin addiction and he was really fucked up. He'd hurt his back, started getting on OxyContin and then developed a real problem.

It's incredibly physically addictive. And he did Ibogaine once, cured him of it. He's never touched it since, and now he runs an Ibogaine center and helps people with it. The problem with me, too, a lot of it comes down to lack of willingness. It's a lack of willingness to act.

Intellectually, I know what I have to do. Yeah, but you have a pattern in your mind that needs to be reset. And you could reset your mind slowly over time, or you could reset it in one big fucking dump of information, like a DMT trip or like an Ibogaine trip. And I know you have this thing about not wanting to get high or not wanting to be intoxicated,

but I think you're thinking of a completely different effect than what you're going to get on this experience. You might be right. I just, it scares me too much. Like, it's something that. You should be scared of what you're doing, though, too. Oh, yeah. Because obviously you don't like it and you can't fix it.

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, but I can fix it. It's a lack of will. Like, there's a really weird thing. I know what the answer is. And, like, I just like it too much. I like it too much. And they said to think of liking

lust is weird, but I like it. Okay, but let me ask you this then. What don't you like about it? I don't like the fact that it distracts me. It's consuming. I'm much more creative without it. I'm much more connected without it. When I'm on it, I see, I'm always behind glass, and I feel like I'm not seeing any real human interaction at all. So it just overwhelms you completely. Oh, completely overwhelming. Wow.

And I make enough money where I can, if I want to, no, I can't be stupid, but I mean, if I want to get whores, I can get whores, you know? Right. And I do. Do you think there's a way

that you could ever just sort of manage it? Is it a way where you can still indulge and enjoy a little bit of sex, but not let it overwhelm you? Sure. I don't think there's anything wrong with being kinky or having a relationship that's dirty. I'm not looking to be, you know, I want to in and out through a sheet. I just don't want to be, there's a difference between that. You don't want to be obsessed.

I don't want to be obsessed with it and making it my whole point of existence. That's just too much. Don't get me wrong. I'm sure you probably can cure it without a psychedelic experience. But in the way you're talking about it, it sounds like a lot of other psychedelic, a lot of other obsessive, compulsive sort of things that psychedelics can cure. Maybe it could. Maybe it could. Don't go to MyFreeCams.

Have you been there yet? No, I go to Clitty.com. Who doesn't love some good cuckolding porn? I challenge any man. Is that what it is? Cuckolding porn? Everything. Jesus Christ.

I wouldn't really want that, though. I'll tell you what I love. A cuckold? You wouldn't like that? Nah, I tell you. A big black guy to fuck your woman in front of you? Never. Never.

But I'll tell you what I like about the movies. It's not necessarily the black guy fucking the woman. It's the husband being there and filming it. There's something, the dynamics of that is so like, if it's just a black guy fucking a woman, I don't really watch interracial porn because I can't

relate to the cock in it. But when it's the husband watching, it's all about the woman. She's being so dirty and so inappropriate. It makes me feel something. And I think that's a problem is I'm so numb.

Oh. That like, if I didn't do this shit for a while, then I got my dick sucked. It feels good. But when I'm fucking just won't leave my dick alone.

Oh, fucking, it's like my dick's like, forget it. I'm there fucking wheedling my nipples and trying to get a fucking load out. It's a disaster. It's a disaster.

Yeah, you can get numb. Totally numb. So when I lay off for a while, then it feels good again. Then I don't need to go there. Then I don't need to go there. But yeah, I do manage it to a certain degree. Like I'm more responsible than I should be considering how fucking far gone I am. I mean, I'm much more careful than you'd think.

Right. You know, that comes with being sober. Like, there are consequences I'm aware of. Yeah, you've been sober since you were like 19, right? 18 years old. 18. Wow, that's crazy. That's amazing.

You gave up on it real quick. Yeah, but I knew. You were like, this is not for me. You know, yeah, if you rob, you know, say you rob three banks, and every time one of your friends gets shot and you go to jail, you're like, robbing banks is just not for me. That's what it was with this. Right.

I can't do it. Every time I do it, there's a problem, and it's only going to get worse and worse. Well, I think that along the same lines of your obsessive thing with sex, you can get that obsessive with anything. You know, and it could be good, like you get that obsessive with anything. Sure. And it could be good. You get that obsessive about stand-up. Yeah. I think especially if you go back to your early days,

do you remember what it was like when you first got on stage? It really was like a drug you were seeking. It was a high. The thing is, though, it doesn't turn me into somebody I don't like. Right. Whereas when I drink, I'm an ugly, angry drunk. I'm a violent drunk. I'm a self-destructive, physically drunk.

Do you think you still would be after 21 years? I know for a fact. Wow. There's not a doubt in my mind. Wow. And I'm not giving the sobriety company line. I just know how I think. You know you.

And literally, after I shot Please Be Offended, which was over a year ago in Cleveland, I wasn't happy with it. And I'm like, I just wanted to hang myself in the closet. And I was like, fuck, I put a belt up and I wasn't going to do it. I knew I wasn't going to do it. You put a belt up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I knew I wouldn't do it. This is not some psychotic cry for help.

I knew it wasn't going to happen. But I was so mad at myself. I'm like, you fucking stink. All I could think about was just that feeling of my fucking throat being cut off. Wow. But I wound up editing the special with people and then liking it once it came out, like a little bit. And then I saw it recently. And I'm like, it was good.

Like, what's wrong with you, you fuck? Like, I liked it a lot more. This one I actually am very, very happy with immediately. But the other one, it took a while. And I think I had just been doing the material a little longer than I should have, and by then I was done with it. That does happen. How long had you been doing that material for?

How many years? Not too, too long. A couple of years. Two years? Yeah, maybe, but this one I shot ten months later. That's nice. I was ready to get this one. I still, I miss the material now.

Like, I loved doing it. Yeah. So, but I know how crazy I think and irrational in moments. It's why I don't own a pistol. It's why I don't, you know, because I know I would have that one moment that you can't take back. Yeah, I have real similar problems. I don't think it's as extreme as you.

I don't have a problem with drinking or with drugs, but I do have a lot of extremity. I have a lot of impulses and a lot of like craziness but I keep it under wraps that's one of the reasons why I have to work out like I work out on a regular basis like I need discipline in my life in order to keep order right but if I got like that whether it was you know jerking off or if I got into a drug or it became like super impulsive like that I'd like to think that I would be able to pull myself back

because I'm objective, because I look at myself and I'm self-analyzed a lot, but I'm not that confident. And it's one of the reasons why I've never touched anything really addictive. Besides alcohol, which isn't addictive to me, but I've never fucked with anything that could get you. Like Anthony's a fun drunk. Anthony Cumia is a fun drunk. I am not a fun drunk.ony cumia is a fun drunk i am not a fun drunk i'm not i'm sorry

i just you're so much different than you were when you were 18 too all right that's very true but because so many of these other feelings are still there like i'm the drunk that all of a sudden after four beers my nose is down but my eyes are up and i look like fucking that like give us remember in the shiny when nicholson's wearing the maroon coat that's like that's the look I have and I just don't trust it and the and the price to pay is just too much and it's not worth it hey nobody knows better than you yeah my friend Tate's the same way he says I can't yeah you can't do anything can't smoke a joint can't do that he goes it might be great but then I might wake up three days later not

knowing how the fuck I got there. And I don't miss it. But I don't knock it either. Like, you smoke pot and you have a tremendous career. You're driven. You're, I think, the best announcer in sports. You have an amazing pot. Like, literally, your life is very, very professional and functional and healthy. You have a wife and kid. Like, you do all these things and smoke pot.

And, like, for you, it's cool. If I could do that, but i can't i just i know i can't not for any you know whatever we're just wired differently everyone's wired differently and people need to really recognize that uh i think it's it's a it's a really important point for me pot it helps me keeps me calm makes me nicer makes me more relaxed see i wouldn't i wouldn't be productive stoned. Like, you're productive. You smoke a joint and come in and talk for three hours. If I didn't, if I smoked, if I took two

hits of that, I would just look at the microphone. Fucking dunce. I would do nothing. Yeah, because you don't, but you don't need it. You know, for whatever it is, for me, it gives me a perspective that's not available without the pot. I can get, I mean, obviously I can get introspective.

I can think about things deeply without any help. I don't need any marijuana or drugs, but, but when I take them, I often feel like there's windows that are open that wouldn't be open ordinarily. I mean, Carl Sagan had a quote about that. Let me see if I can remember it because it's a fascinating quote.

Cause Carl Sagan is one of my favorite science cats. He was a bad motherfucker. This is what he said. I'm convinced that there are genuine and valid levels of perception available with cannabis and probably other drugs, which are through the defects of our society and our educational system unavailable to us without such drugs. It's an interesting quote. Yeah. But that's just me.

It's probably correct. For me, marijuana lets me know what I actually want. Like, it sounds ridiculous, but when I get high, if I enjoy something when I'm high, then I really enjoy it. But if I get high and I'm like, oh, get me away from this fucking thing. Usually, that's my actual feelings about it. Whether it's with people or whether it enhances how I already feel about certain people. It enhances how I already feel about food or about sex. But that's just me.

It took me until I was 30 before I realized that pot even worked for me. Before that, I thought it was all for idiots. Yeah, man. And again, I wish I could do it successfully, but I'm okay with the fact that I can't like I would like to manage the sex shit better because I'm a better person when I'm not doing it I'm a more connected person

like I care about people but I can become very uncaring and very distracted and very distant when I'm in that mode because it's addiction it's like any other addiction you're not present and I hate that. You're not present. I hate that it makes me not present. That's the big point,

and that's what people who don't have an addiction will kind of never understand. I've had many addictions. I've had a lot of video game problems, behavioral type shit that really is just like a drug addiction. It becomes an addiction. A video game addiction might as well be a drug addiction, and it's really similar to a sexual addiction

It focuses you on something outside It's a zone out. Yeah, it's sometimes it's just the zone out It's just the feeling numb the numbness and it's like I like to think and I like to create and I like to fucking sit At my computer and write this is how it a fucking pervert like when I wrote my books the second book Especially I wrote at the comedy cellar. I would come up with stuff and I would write it in the cellar because I was surrounded by people so I couldn't jerk off.

Like I had to be in a public place to sit on my laptop and write. Like you know what I mean? I would just be in the corner writing because I could do enough instant messaging where I talk dirty so I could get a little dopamine drip but I couldn't go the extra route, which was to fucking yank out my dick,

and just fucking sit, my dick's soft, I'm just yanking it against my dumb stomach, zone out, zone out, zone out, click, zone out,

nothing real, nothing feeling good. How many times a day would you say? I wouldn't even come, all day. Have you ever thought about taking a laptop, and disabling the wifi connection? You could do that, you know.

You can, but I needed it for research, and I like to. Dang, with the fucking research. Well, I know this is because I was bashing public figures, so I had to. Oh, while you were writing? Yeah, I had to. Oh, yeah. And sometimes you need that for reference, and I also like the distraction of it because it puts less pressure on me.

Like, even if it's I'm watching Black Sabbath videos. Like, I'll go on YouTube and watch Sabbath live in fucking Melbourne again because I feel like watching aussie saying god is dead for the 5 000 and that will distract me from it and then creatively like oh okay it allows me to step away for a second mentally because when i'm just forcing myself you know right right i can't write have you ever thought about trying some other form of discipline like yoga or something along those lines yeah and i would say that yoga would keep you from being a sex addict, but the fucking head of Bikram's is getting sued like a motherfucker for rape and sexual assault and driving a Rolls Royce. A bunch of shit.

This guy's a fucking crazy gangster. Have you ever seen pictures of him? Yeah, I've seen one photo of him. But look up Bikram sex scandal, something like that. He dresses like a pimp. Like, literally. How do you fucking not become a sex addict when the girl in front of you is wearing cellophane pants sex, uh, scandal, something like that. He dresses like a pimp and all those literally, how do you fucking not become a sex addict when you, when the girl in front of you is wearing cellophane pants and her fucking cunt is jumping out at you. It looks like Al Jolson's face. How

do you not get turned on by that? That's not him. Is that him? Yeah. That's not the image I was thinking of, but that's a good one. Just thinking about him slinging that Indian dick all over that room. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, yoga's good. I've tried Bikram. Working out has helped a little bit. I feel better about myself. I'm more comfortable and confident.

I'm not where I want to be, but I'm much better than I was. So I feel like I see results. I bet if you did yoga four or five days a week, you could fucking hold on. I bet you could hold on a lot better. Get a guy roommate, take off all the doors in your place. Probably. No, you guys could just be jerking off in front of each other after a while. Exactly.

We'd just sit back to back like a fucking rom-com poster. Jerk off, look at the same laptop. Yeah, do you think that prisoners, do they not jerk off because there's other prisoners around? No, they just fucking do it. They give up after a while. Well, you talk to guys who worked at prisons, and they'll say they're peeking the cells, and dudes are just jacking it, like looking right at them. Monster rain.

They don't care after a while. Yeah, you just get used to it. They just give up. You just get used to it. Yeah. The human mind is so strange as far as what really gets us on a track, and how it's so difficult to get off that track, and that obsession. They just constantly want to find another video, or another video, or video or another video yeah so it's a weird thing man it's a weird weird thing

too though it's like to me it's maybe five or six times a day but it's that might like those cam sites and these these like uh amateur video sites like submit your flicks it's just like gold it's like non-stop yeah you're just not as self-aware as he is. You're not trying to fix yourself. He's realizing he's a mess and you're like, I'm perfect.

I did the, I usually try to do it right when I wake up and I did the, where I didn't wash my hands good enough and I was at Starbucks and I had a little bit

of lotion still on my hand when I was paying for my- Oh, good for you. Fuck that. Good boy. Good for you. Fuck that. Yeah, fuck washing

the lotion off your hands. Give it to the guy at Starbucks. He's not going to thank you for the tip anyway. You guys are Good boy. Good for you. Fuck that. Yeah, fuck washing the lotion off your hands. Give it to the guy at Starbucks. He's not going to thank you for the tip anyway. You guys are both disgusting. You're going to talk about the times you slimed people. You know what? I can't jerk off in the morning. I can't do it.

I'm not sexual. I'm too busy clearing out my sinuses and my phlegm. Yeah, nothing. I don't want to fuck in the morning. I don't want to talk. I smelled your load once. Remember? You picked it out of your belly button.

Oh, yeah. You stuck your finger in it from the night before. You stuck it in front of my nose. You're welcome. Woo! It's one thing if you smell your own, which is pretty disgusting. Yeah. belly button. Oh, yeah. From the night before, you stuck it in front of my nose. You're welcome. It's one thing if you smell your own, which is pretty disgusting. Yeah. But when you smell other people's... I know I'm a disgusting person when I

jerk off and I don't even bother cleaning up. I just wipe it with my underwear and put them right back in my underwear. And then I get up in the morning and take a leak and I smell... It's usually on the road. It's maintenance jerking off. And then I get up in the morning on the road to piss and I lift up the toilet and pull my dick out. I'm like, what is that smell?

Just like the banks of a fucking polluted river. It's all clumped up in the hair. It's so gross. Yeah, I'm very smooth, so I wipe it right off. Wipe it right off. It comes right off. If you could fix one aspect of yourself, though, that's the thing that you would like to get

on track, huh? Absolutely, because I think it stops me career-wise. I have a good career. I enjoy where I'm at, but it allows me to stagnate on a level where I should not be stagnating. It permits me to be comfortable where I

shouldn't be comfortable, and it's like a little safety it's like a little security blanket where it shouldn not be stagnating. And it permits me to be comfortable where I shouldn't be comfortable. And it's like a little safety, it's like a little security blanket where it shouldn't be. Wow. Have you talked about getting maybe like, you know, like a cock lock or one of those chastity belt locks where it has a key and you just get the key?

He would love that. It would turn him on. Yeah, I'd find something about that. I would just get mistress to put a strap on on and spit on me. You know, believe me, there's always a way. There's always a way.

Do you still like that shit? Like, you're in a dominatrix. always a way. Do you still like that shit? You're in a dominatrix. Yeah, they're sexy. Have you been on them? I haven't in a while, but they can be very sexy, sure, if they're good. If they know what they're doing. You just like the whole dirtiness of it, right? The dirtiness.

Absolutely, man. I love the perversion. I love a woman who can read me. Every guy wants to be owned, whether you're dominant or submissive. And when a woman can read me and anticipate what I want, I love that. You're getting so fired up. But it's hot, man. Can't you just enjoy that, though?

Why does it have to be an obsession? Is there a balance that can be achieved here? Where you can just enjoy the sex and sexuality and just not tweak on it all day? It's greed. It's being greedy. It's wanting, as they say, more than my share. It's wanting more than my share of pleasure and more than my share of experiences. It's walking to a candy store and not picking a candy bar.

It's grabbing for everything and then shoving it into my fucking face and then crying that I have a stomachache. But you've got enough discipline to work out and lose all this weight. You've changed your body over the last six months or a year or so, right? Yeah, about a year, yeah. How much weight have you lost? I mean, in the last year, I'd say close to 30. Your face, your body, everything looks totally different. Yeah, well, I think I'm like 146 now, 147. I was at one point, I was tapping out a lot in the 160s, hitting 170s.

At one point, a couple years ago, a few years ago, I was in the 180s. I saw some pictures of myself. Oh, what a fucking oinker. That was really disgusting. But it's good to remember that stuff, and I feel much better. But my eating is still not perfect, you know. But it's nice, though, to get that under wraps, right? You've handled that one aspect of your physicality.

You got that under control. Yeah, but I have at least a pattern that's healthy for it, and I go to trainer sessions at least three, sometimes four days a week. Yeah, well maybe you could figure out a way to just get another pattern. Isn't that something your mother told you? Replace something bad with something good?

Dr. Phil said that. It's funny, my mother on my second CD had left me that voicemail and she was right. Jimmy, why don't you go to the gym? You meet a nice girl. And she was right. By the way, I you go to the gym? You meet a nice girl. And she was right. By the way, I have a fucking fart brewing right now. I'm going to do it in the car with Jonathan. It's going to be fucking putrid.

Hang it in there. Look how much bigger you are in this picture. This was in Vegas when Opie and Anthony was in Vegas. So what year was this? Like 2003? Yeah, but I have a lot fatter than that. Look up, I mean,

that was even, that was bad. Oh yeah, that's me and Deacon Jones. I love that photo. Yeah, I was a fucking pig there. That was in Vegas too,

right? Yeah. He was hanging out with us in Vegas, I remember that. That was a fun show, that Vegas show. Was that Vegas or California?

That was a California poker tournament. The poker thing. Yeah. The poker thing. Yeah. The poker thing. That was when Anthony was playing, right? Yeah. Fun times.

And Opie stepped on Ed Asner's cake, theoretically. Theoretically. Yes, and metaphorically. Yeah. Ed Asner called him a destroyer. Yeah. It was hilarious. Yeah, it was funny. That was really fun.

Those shows that you guys used to do, how come you guys stopped doing them, those big comedy shows? It just became, well, we lost you guys stopped doing them? Those big comedy shows. It just became, well, we lost Terrestrial Radio, which I was happy for, but it became harder to do, and it became harder to get guys booked. It just went away. The merger happened, and things changed once we merged. There was disadvantages to it, and there was advantages to it. I liked being in our old studio at XM.

The thing about Sirius I like is the guests we can get are much better because they're already in the building, so a lot of times we get people that we would not have gotten ever. There's been some great... We're open to a much larger group of people now. So, you know, the good with the bad. Do you know what your numbers are? No idea.

I probably could find out, but I don't ask. I just don't want to know because I don't want to be disappointed. Right. I just don't know. I because I don't want to be disappointed. I just don't know. I know I have a decent amount of followers and a decent amount of fans. I have no fucking idea. No, but I mean as far as how many people listen to Opie and Anthony every day.

I don't even know how we'd find that out because there's no Arbitron Diaries. I think they do, but they don't want to tell us. How could they know? They send out surveys. It's tuned in. You have to be tuned in to that frequency or that channel. No, it doesn't tell you that way. It doesn't? Nah.

I think through a lot of times they could do listener surveys, which I guess worked like Arbitron Diaries, but I don't know, man. So antiquated, isn't it? Yeah, it's shitty. I really think that if you weren't on it, you would have the biggest fucking podcast in the world. Oh, no. I really do.

I think you'd have a huge podcast. I feel like I've been... I'm not fishing. I really mean it. I feel like I'm boring when have a huge podcast. I feel like I've been, and I'm not fishing. I really mean it. I feel like I'm boring when I talk too long. I just can't, I fucking would be out of my mind.

I like to snipe. I like to fucking sit there and watch fucking Greg and Tony do the heavy lifting and I pipe in with, like you said, the fucking quick shots or I fucking,

I'm the fucking sniper in full metal jacket. I'll just shoot a few bullets and then sit back and let them do the heavy lifting and I like that. Well, you guys have a great relationship too. You guys have been doing it together so long.

But I think if the three of you bailed together, it would just, you could still, I think you could maintain the exact same amount of income. I think it'd be the exact same amount of people listening, if not more. I think that's the future. There is the Opie and Anthony podcast. Yeah, I was just about to bring that up. Yes, we do have the podcast.

So, and how does that work? They just go on iTunes, and a lot of times it's best of the week, plus a couple of old bits. That's the cool part. Yeah, there's an old bit in there. It's basically just to get people, because they don't want to give away content either. It's just to get people who have heard of the show to check it out

and see if they like it. But a lot of times the fans already have the content because they've heard it already. Well, I'm going to tell you this, man. If it wasn't for you guys, I don't think I would have ever started a podcast. And if it wasn't for Anthony doing Live from the Compound, Brian and I would have never started doing that Ustream show, the show that kind of started it out.

And before that, what was it, Justin TV? Justin TV. We did a few of those. The Green Rooms. Yeah, we did a few of those in the green rooms. We kind of had an idea of doing something like this a long time ago. But seeing Anthony do it from his place really motivated me. Because Anthony set up a green screen and put a professional desk in there.

And had professional microphones and cameras. I mean, he really went balls out. He told me he spent like a stupid amount of money to convert the downstairs of his house into a recording studio. And this is a guy who already has a fucking full-time gig. And if you've never seen Live from the Compound, he did some with his ex-girlfriend Melissa. Where he would get fucking shit-faced hammered. He would do karaoke while holding a machine gun. Oh, yeah. I love that.

He was hammered. And he would take calls. I called in once. I was watching. I was like, this love that. He was hammered, and he would take calls. I called in once. I was watching. I was like, this is amazing. And he was just hammered, hammered, drinking wine, holding it up, loving it. Well, the fun thing is he accomplished all that, and he built that studio. All this while, like you said, doing a full-time gig and drinking like William Holden.

And I'm fucking jerking off, and I can't get myself to fucking motivate. That's humiliating to me. Like, I've watched Anthony build that studio. I'm like, look at what he's doing. I can't even rearrange my apartment. I fucking just stagnate. Start and don't finish. Start and don't finish.

Start and don't finish. And I fucking hate it. Yeah, I had always had this idea to do something like that after seeing him do it. His thing was so interesting because at the time when he was doing that nobody was doing something live on ustream like professionally he would like have different backgrounds you know he could have a background that was like the city because the

green screen he could switch the background and turn it into whatever the fuck he wanted which was so badass it's a great idea and he you know when he does it when he eventually just turns it on and pots up the mics. Anytime he wants. Yeah. He just goes downstairs and hits a switch, and boom, you know? And then Brian set up the place at the Ice House, and that's like the natural progression of setting this place up. I need a technical partnership with somebody. I need somebody in New York who can technically, like when I come up with an idea.

Yeah, obviously, but then Rich would intellectually just take it and make it so much better as well. His intellect would dominate it. What, can't Sirius Rich would intellectually just take it and make it so much better as well. His intellect would dominate it. Can't Sirius? Don't they have sound guys? No, I don't mean with that. I mean with somebody independent. I want to do a talk show. I love interviewing people. I love it. And I want to do that.

Well, that's what a podcast is. Yeah, but I want to do it on TV. I want to do it on TV if I can. I couldn't help it. It was beginning to cause me great pain. It was like a secret. So I would like to do that on TV. So you want to do it on FX or something like that? Well, FX has Kamau Bell.

Nah, they have him five nights a week now. They would have no interest in that. But I mean like that. Sure, I'd love to. It's fun. I think it's a fun thing to do. And I would like to do it. Yeah, that does seem like a fun thing to do and you

would have access to a lot of really fascinating people by doing something like that i think so yeah and again i like to talk to people and interview them and you know it's it's not uh it's fun to do yeah it's really fun to i was talking to ben kingsley one time i'm like well how great is this he has to answer my questions yeah if i bumped into him in a fucking oscar party he'd spit on me yeah but here he is sitting next to me going oh yes yes and answering the because he doesn't want to look back it's like that's the cool part about it yeah and especially if they come in specifically to sit down with you for x amount of time yeah you know you could really dig into somebody if you're talking to them for an hour two hours or whatever it would be

yeah that's the i think you know what would be? If you did like a Bob Costas type thing. Remember Bob Costas had Later with Bob Costas? Oh, yeah. And it was just real simple. It was like him at a desk with a person who would sit down with him for a full hour. You know? I don't know if I could hold the audience for an hour.

I want to do sketches too that I pre-shoot. Like I have some things I wanted to do. So you want to essentially host a Tonight Show type situation. Yeah, but nothing quite that structured or that... You know what I mean? It would have to have host a Tonight Show type situation. Yeah, but nothing that quite that structured or that you know what I mean? It would have to have a much different feeling than that. But would you want to do it like Showtime style, uncensored? Oh yeah. So that's what you'd want to do?

Absolutely. Yeah. Just say whatever I want to. Yeah, you got to do it on Showtime then or HBO, either one of those. Or a bunch of other cable channels where there's a couple of language issues but not many. Like there's a million channels now. Yeah. They're starting to open up and a lot of people don't realize not many. Like, there's a million channels now. Yeah. They're starting to open up. And a lot of people don't realize the FCC doesn't control cable.

Right. They only control broadcast television, NBC, CBS, that kind of shit. When you get to cable, they essentially self-impose. For the advertisers, yeah. Yeah. Some of them, that's why, like, The Shield was able to say shit and asshole and everybody was like, what the hell? They didn't go fuck. They don't go as far as fuck.

But they can. Did you like The Shield? Spike did. I never saw The Shield. I heard it's great. Loved it. I'm a Wire fanatic and people tell me you'll like this. Have you ever seen The Wire?

I only watched a couple episodes of The Wire. I need to get back to it. People always tell me that it's the greatest show ever. It's my favorite show ever. It's a masterpiece. I think Game of Thrones is my favorite show ever. I love Game of Thrones too. The Wire. I love Game of Thrones, too. The Wire's better?

I thought so, yeah. It was realistic about drug dealing, and I just loved it. And I love the characters in it. I'll take it out, little Jimmy. And your special, when does it come out? August 23rd, thank you, on Epix and epixhd.com. You can just sign up for a trial if you want to watch it online, if your cable provider doesn't carry Epics.

Where did you record that? I shot it in... It looks like the Tabernacle. Oh, that's in... No, it's in Somerville, Mass. Somerville? A couple weeks before the bombing. I wish it was after the bombing because then I would have addressed it.

Would you really? Of course. I would have mocked the bombers. Yeah, I was talking about those fucking... Yeah, I was talking about kicking their mother in the cunt and fuck them. Yeah, I was bashing them. Yeah, I would love to. Kicking their mother in the cunt.

Yeah, her womb was a terror camp. Like, yeah, I had a whole bunch of fun with that. Those shitty fucking brothers. So it's on Epix. Yes. When's the date again? August 23rd. And it re-airs a lot.

And if you get the trial online, you can watch it whenever you want. Ah, beautiful. And I'm happy with it, man. So that's epics.com? EpicsHD.com. EpicsHD.com. And Jim Norton on Twitter is Jim Norton.

Yes. So follow him, you dirty fucks. And JimNorton.com is finally going up. It's been too long. You're an honest motherfucker, man. Thank you.

And you're a really fun guy. I really enjoy talking to you and like I said, I really appreciate your intelligent take on that debate really fun guy. I really enjoy talking to you, and like I said, I really appreciate your intelligent take on that debate about jokes and rape jokes with Lindy West. I thought that was

really important, and I think it was really important that you did it. Thank you. I actually liked her too, and I'm not saying that to be polite. I genuinely liked her, and we talked after on the phone, and she's actually really nice. She's not some psychotic man. I bet she is. You know, I think that a lot of our takes on these things, a lot of the interaction that we have,

whether it's blog to blog or Twitter to Twitter, it's such an unlimited way of communicating. And a lot of these same people that we have disagreements with online, if we sat down with them in a rational, sort of normal setting like this and just talked, we would probably see each other's point a lot better and have some healthy discussions about these things as opposed to these like these snipe attacks that people like to do in blogs or in Twitter and go back and forth with each other it's there's a lot missing in those one-way interactions when I say

something and then you say something and you know when you communicate with each other a lot of times you can you can get to know someone a lot better. That's why I liked that conversation. It was, you know, you could tell there was some real discourse going on there, which, regardless of which side you take.

All right, that's it, fuckers. Thank you. And thanks to a squarespace.com. Go to squarespace.com and use the code word Joe and the number eight altogether. One word, Joe eight and save yourself some cash son on a, a beautiful self-constructed website. And remember it's super easy to do so easy that they'll let you try doing it

first before you even use your credit card information. Thanks also to audible.com. If you go to audible.com forward slash Joe, you will get one free audio book and 30 free days of audible service oh shits we are also brought to you by on it dot com that's o n n i t use the code name rogan and save 10 off any and all supplements i'm trying to do uh uncle creepy this week that's ian mccall i'm gonna see if i can get him in here before I take off from Boston. And we've got some other people in town, too. Maybe Brian Callen wants to do one as well.

Can I put up a date real quick? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to be with Tony Hinchcliffe in Stand Up Live, September 26. You can go to standuplive.com. That's in Phoenix, Arizona, you freaks. All right. We love you guys, and we'll see you soon