The Joe Rogan Experience - #389 - Brian Redban

Episode Date: September 3, 2013

Brian Redban is a comedian, producer/co-host of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast and founder of the DeathSquad podcast network.

The Joe Rogan Experience fucker. What are you doing? We're doing it old school. Just me and Brian today. We were just sitting around and we decided to do a podcast. It's like day one. Day one. The old school days. And that's the disgusting sip of coffee that people complain about the most. We're just talking about that, man. There's a lot of goddamn complaints

in this world. A lot of people are mad. All the folks on godlikeproductions.com I'm so sorry I upset you. I did not mean to. in this world. A lot of people are mad. All the folks on godlikeproductions.com, I'm so sorry I upset you. I did not mean to. And although we disagree on things, folks, I think we can be civil. I really do. You think I'm an idiot

because I don't believe what you believe? I'm okay. I'm fine with that. But what I think, ladies and gentlemen, is that in looking at these subjects, whether they're chemtrails or cunty behavior, there's a lot of different points of view on things. But what I really liked about that Mick West guy that we had on yesterday is he's not mean about it.

He's not creating enemies. He's creating Tony Hawk, man. He created Tony Hawk. I mean, that's awesome. That was the coolest thing. Right there, I mean, he owned, part owned, one of the most successful companies in video games ever. I mean, that's a great company.

Well, he's a bad motherfucker. And, you know, it kind of bums me out. I think he's just an exceptional guy. And it kind of bums me out that a lot of people thought he was a government shill and they got mad at me for having him on. He out that a lot of people thought he was a government shill and they got mad at me for having him on. And he's got a point of view, folks. And that point of view may be right. And, you know, there's parts of your point of view that may have merit. But I think there's a lot of people out there that aren't willing to consider the possibility that parts

of their point of view are a little wacky, youy. And when a guy like that comes along, he's got to be working for the government. You know, like I was saying about Tower 7, yeah, it looks like a controlled demolition. He says it does too. But I don't know shit about making a building. I really don't. I know jack shit.

I don't know a goddamn thing. And to pretend that you do, if you know as much as I do about it, to pretend, like if I know for a fact that you don't have any more information than I do about making buildings, and you start arguing about Tower of Seven, I'll call bullshit. Because I know for me, if we have the same amount of knowledge, I don't know a fucking thing about how that fell. I have no idea. I would not know how you would control demolition one. If you told me that they could control demolition a building where they would blow it up to bring it down, I'd be like, that's not how they do it.

I'd be like, if I didn't know that it existed, if you said, listen, I'm thinking about taking down this building, what I'm going to do is I'm going to set dynamite in it all throughout it. And if I do it correctly, it's going to explode and it'll all collapse. I'd be like, what a stupid fucking way. Why don't you just chip away at it from the top to the bottom? That's what I would say. I would say, why the fuck are you doing that? What are those wrecking ball thing for?

Don't you use those? Use that thing. Don't blow it up. But they blow them up all the time. They blow it up. It's like a standard thing. So what the fuck do I know? I look at it, and it's like a standard thing. So what the fuck do I know? I look at it and it looks like a controlled demolition. But the reality is, and I have to

face that head on, I don't know shit about structural engineering. Like zero. I know zero. And people that do know it, you know, that are architects and it's not their specialty, they can be wrong about stuff.

One thing I always wonder, Joe, is you always seem to always have a slight conspiracy with a lot of things. And it's, you know, over years, a couple of those things faded away. Like, you know, when you first heard the AIDS thing, you're like, AIDS doesn't exist. No, I never said that. I never said that. What I said is these people say it doesn't exist. Right, right. I never believed it. And I still don't believe it to this day. But you're diehard about it, I never said that. I never said that. What I said is these people say it doesn't exist. Right, right. I never believed it.

And I still don't believe it to this day. But you're diehard about it is what I mean. Well, what I'm diehard about is the fact that I do think that there might be some merit to some of what the, not the AIDS deniers have said, but the people that are saying that when they're measuring AIDS in Africa, they're adding to this number of people that have contracted HIV and gotten AIDS. What I've been told is that a lot of those people actually didn't get measured for HIV. They just have AIDS. And so you're dealing with a host of different reasons why they could have gotten AIDS. It could be massive malnutrition. And it doesn't mean it's not people that are getting HIV and getting AIDS either.

It's not like they're mutually exclusive. people that are getting HIV and getting AIDS either. It's not like they're mutually exclusive, but it's like there's some weirdness probably with the numbers that they're linking it to this sexually transmitted disease. So when this guy's talking about this disease, you know, like a Peter Duesberg, a guy who doesn't believe that HIV causes AIDS, doesn't believe that HIV causes AIDS. The real problem is there's so many people that do. And if there's a whole industry involved in medicine, I mean, it's, it's, it's not just a bunch of doctors that are comparing notes. There's a lot of money involved and there's, there's a lot of, there's a lot of, uh, different universities that are teaching medicine that are, that are heavily invested in the future of

medicine. It's constantly getting better. It's like pretty measurable all the time. So the idea that something like this would slip between the cracks and they wouldn't realize that HIV doesn't really cause AIDS is like, I don't understand how that's even possible. And I'm too stupid when it comes to the business of medicine or even the science of medicine. I'm too ignorant to even engage in the conversation. But it doesn't make sense to me that that many people, even if it was some sort of a mistake that had been made in the past, I feel like it would be impossible for them to keep that quiet.

But I don't know. You know, I don't know. The moon thing. The moon one is a big one. Yeah, that's a big one. Because I got really roped in by this Fox special. There's a Fox special called, I think it was called Conspiracy Theory. Did we go to the moon?

And it was awesome. And it was, Fox, I guess, wasn't leaning as conservative back then or something like that. It wasn't like Fox News-ish. It was like Fox, you know, dramatic reality TV show-ish. And it was a great fucking special. It really got me. They had an astronaut saying that they could have faked going to the moon. An astronaut?

Yeah, Brian O'Leary. Yeah, he said that if it was possible, that if they didn't get it or if the footage got destroyed, that they would fake it. And I remember hearing that going, what? And then, you know, you start looking at documentaries that support the idea that we didn't go to the moon. It's very compelling. There's a really good English one. I forget the name of it.

They're very compelling. really good English one. I forget the name of it. They're very compelling. But when you go online and then start reading the arguments against all their arguments, it's pretty compelling that they're wrong about a lot of shit. Just a lot. They're wrong about so much. There's so many things that they say in the ones where they're trying to say that we didn't go to the moon. There's so many things they say that don't make any sense. The things that make sense are some of the photographs. There's some images that look, like, really staged. And not just look really staged, but, like, the way they're lit is really odd.

But don't you think that would be something where there's so many people that would have to be involved for that to actually, you know, one person on their deathbed would scream it and somebody would vine it. No, it's true. That's, that's the major argument against it. In fact,

the major, major argument against it is human nature that people wouldn't be able to keep a secret that long. Right. You know, I've read that, uh, that Bill Clinton quote,

which is a fantastic quote, um, about the moon landing. And it, it always freaks me out. And it's such a conspiracy theorist wet dream of a post because, you know, Bill Clinton is fucking Bill Clinton. You know, he's former president of the United States and he's writing a book about his time and his life.

And in this book, he writes about the experience of talking to an old carpenter about the moon landings. I mean, it's a crazy quote, because what he essentially says, I'll read it. I was really high when I wrote that. I was high as fuck thinking about blowjobs. I mean, shit, I'm going to write a book here.

I fucking hate books. I don't read. What if that was like his writing partner just did that, threw that in there because he was a big conspiracy theorist guy, and then Bill just actually never read that book. He just fucked him. I can't read. Come on, man. You know I don't have time for reading. What do I like? I like head and cheeseburgers, okay?

Why are you giving me books, son? Have you had – wait. Are you allowed to eat burgers anymore? No, I don't eat cheeseburgers. So you haven't even tried the pretzel burger from Wendy's? No, I'm not fucking with any of that. Oh, Jesus. It's like the Baconator, but they add pretzel.

It's great. A Baconator with pretzel? Yeah, it's just a mushy mess of pretzels and cheese and burger. It's so good, dude. They're trying to kill you. Do you understand what they're trying to do? That's not good. That sounds terrible for you.

Yeah. You don't care? No, no. I've had it once. I'm just saying it's great. I just had it, though. I have made a decision this year to clean up various aspects of my life, and a big one being diet. Diet?

Yeah, just the constant eating of certain things that I know are not healthy. Yeah, just the constant eating of certain things that I know are not healthy. And in cutting out gluten, and it's such a fucking fatty thing that I hate even talking about it. Everyone's cutting out gluten. It feels so gross when you tell people you're not eating gluten. It's like, oh, you bought into that. It's like you immediately get roped into this fad category. And that's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying I don't think it's good for you.

I don't think it's a fad. I think in me eating gluten, I was doing my body damage. Like, in no uncertain terms. I mean, it is kind of fatty to like, yeah, I'm pretty much gluten-free. I don't eat dairy. I feel that about dairy, man. Yeah. Oh, dairy's not good for you.

No. You always talk about that raw milk and shit. I'm like, I hate milk. I hate. I have zero calcium in my body. If I fall down, I'm like Mr. Burns. Yeah, I think you're better off with nothing, with no milk. But if you're going to have milk, raw milk is not bad on occasion.

I just think we take in a lot of dairy, and it is a weird thing for our bodies. But some people can process it without a problem. Some people have real issues with it. We're not supposed to fuck with cows. Maybe the Indians are right. Maybe. But when you drink it, I'm telling you, man,

if you drink it raw, you don't really have nearly as many problems digesting it. A lot of people who are lactose intolerant are only lactose intolerant when it's homogenized or pasteurized. I shouldn't say a lot of people, but certain people. What have I counted? Have I done a census? No, just talking mad shit. Um, this is the, uh, this is the Bill Clinton quote. Cause it's so crazy. This is right out of his book. It says, Just a month before Apollo 11 astronauts Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong had left their colleague Michael Collins aboard Spaceship Columbia

and walked on the moon, beating by five months President Kennedy's goal of putting a man on the moon before the decade was out, the old cop had asked me if I really believed it happened. I said, sure. I saw it on television. He disagreed. He said that he didn't believe anything. He didn't believe it for a minute,

and that them television fellers could make things look real that weren't. Back then, I thought he was a crank. During my eight years in Washington, I saw some things on TV that made me wonder if he wasn't ahead of his time. That's a kooky quote. It is a kooky quote, no matter how you slice it. Has anyone asked him about that quote? We did. We just did. Oh quote? We did. We just did. Oh, we just did.

Mr. President, please tell me about it. On the record, though, that seems like such a powerful quote that somebody somewhere had to have filmed him. Like, hey, can I ask you one question about this quote? I don't think people want to fuck with the moon landings. My friend Todd McCormick has the best quote about it. He said it's a technological Jesus.

He said because if they really did pull it off and, you know, they really did actually fake going to the moon, like, oh, my God, what an incredible and horrific embarrassment. And if they did go to the moon and you're talking about it and you're, like, you're like pretending that they didn't you're a crazy person like if they actually went to the moon these guys really did risk their lives

and go 250,000 miles and land on the moon and then come back for the first time ever that people have been actually in deep space and back and lived and touched and land on an object and came back from that object first time ever. I mean,

you would be such a douchebag if you were saying that they didn't do it and they did do it. I a hundred percent think we went through the man. It's most likely that we did. Most likely. I still leave open the possibility that some of that was horseshit just because that was just how they rocked it back then. And there's also, there's the guy who was,

Jesus Christ, what is his fucking name? There's the safety inspector, Thomas Ronald Barron. He was hired by Congress to do a detailed safety analysis of NASA. He handed in this long report that said that NASA was in such disarray that they would never get a man into space. He died on the train tracks, parked in a car with his family shortly thereafter.

And the report went bye-bye. And that's real. There's weird shit to the moon landings. Not like one weird thing, but a bunch of weird things. There's weird things to it. It's most likely that we definitely went, but it's also possible that there's some fuckery going on

because they did a little fuckery back then with Felicity photos. That Gemini 15 photo, there's one of them that shows Michael Collins floating in space and they said he was on a spacewalk, but then it's the exact same photo just reversed of him in a training facility. It's a famous photo.

Yeah, but it's a publicity photo. Exactly. A publicity photo. That's what it's, you know, I mean, if I give you a photo of, like, hey, you need Joe Rogan, like, crazy publicity photo for a show, and I add a lens flare to your balls, it's... They're going to be like, wait a second, this lens flare is not supposed to be on the balls. That's a good point. If it was a publicity photo.

If it wasn't actually released as an actual factual photo of space. I think it kind of was. But that could also, that's not even indicative of the whole company being full of shit. It could be just one photographic editor that just thinks he's slick. And it's like, look, I'll just put this guy in space. Right. You know, it doesn't mean that NASA's full of shit. But when people see things like that, they go, oh, okay.

Well, I'm going to be suspicious of you now because you're not totally on the up and up. There's certain aspects of the story that make you go, oh, okay. Well, there's some fuckery at some levels. And it's unfortunate that you can get that from a single picture that's been edited, but you can. It raises the possibilities. So most likely, yeah, they went. Most likely they went. But I always leave in that one possible opening for a crazy scenario where they fake the whole thing

and got Stanley Kubrick behind it and spent billions of dollars of black budget money and filmed it and then told the astronauts, listen, bitch, no one's going to believe you. You're a national hero. You went to the moon. Just deal with it. I mean, that to me is so compelling as well because it almost would explain how crazy we are. It would almost explain the difference between the United States of the future that we saw in like the 1970s on television and what it really became as far as like space travel. Space travel just stopped. It just stopped. It's like we don't even do the shuttle really anymore.

I mean, we have to like borrow the Russians to go up to the space station. We're like, we just stopped. And people say, well, it's because of lack of funding. And that is absolutely true. That's absolutely the case. well it's because of lack of funding and that is absolutely true that's absolutely the case but it's still weird it's still weird that between 1969 and 1972 we flew out and landed on the moon and came back and we did it a bunch of times and then we're like we're done that's it done now we just go 300 miles and that's it no higher than that 400 miles max

like people don't go above 400 miles. The last time people have been above 400 miles is the Apollo space programs. So again, most likely, yeah. Most likely they went to the moon for sure. But the dork in me, the conspiracy

loon that's still alive in the corner of the back of my brain, holding on to an ember and blowing on it every now and then, trying to keep the fire of madness alive, still wants to believe that they could have faked it. We just need to get Neil deGasse Tyson back in. I would just submit to, I love that guy so much. I'm such a fan. To me, that'd be like arguing with Paul McCartney about whether his music is good yeah and i'm not an arguer about it any man but that's so bullshit so contradictory because i do argue about it but what i mean about it is i'm i'm really not committed it sounds that sounds like

bullshit too that i'm not committed to one side or the other i'm being totally honest most likely they went to the moon most likely like But the honest, childlike idiot in me, the childlike idiot who loves mysteries, will fucking hold out for that bitch. You really need to write a movie, man, about faking the moon landings and make it ridiculous, like Bigfoot's in there with a werewolf. Like one of those cool sci-fi movies, like Sharknado?

Oh my God, the werewolves going into space. What do you think it is? Why do people want to believe that there are grand conspiracies? That there's these, you know, people love to talk about grand conspiracies that may or may not exist. But they invest a lot of time and a lot of effort into these fucking things. May or may not exist, but they invest a lot of time and a lot of effort into these fucking things. I think it's just like the same people that do that with Jesus and God and religion and stuff like that. That if you take that out, like, hey, I'm not religious, but I need to obsess and find secrets of other things that don't exist.

Is that it? Searching for something, an answer. Yeah, there's a lot of people that believe that's like a genetic thing. They're like, there's a... Searching for something, an answer. Yeah, there's a lot of people that believe that's, like, a genetic thing. They're like, there's a gene for, like, religious belief. That it's actually a part of, you know, like, a part of who we are as human beings. I mean, I grew up religious by force, and my mom's super religious. But when I don't have to go, I'm not even thinking about it, you know? But if I had to go back and do it once in a while, I have no problem with that.

It's kind of relaxing. It's like being in a tanning bed. It's kind of like a place where everybody is guaranteed to be chill. Everybody's going to be all about Jesus. They're all going to be God-like, so they're going to be real pleasant with each other. There's a lot of benefits to having a church that

atheists kind of throw aside. And in a lot of ways, they're right. Because it's like, okay, we're going to get those benefits, but in return, you're going to give up your personal freedom, your freedom of behavior, your freedom to love and marry who you want. You're going to give up a lot of shit. But in return, you get a nice place to go on Sunday

where everybody's going to be nice and they're going to all sing stupid-ass songs together. Songs. And they're going to be showered, and it's an excuse to dress up nice once in a while. Dress up nice and try to reinforce the good behavior habits of the community. I mean, there's merit in that,

and it's unfortunate that it has to be done for a lot of folks through an invisible deity. But they would probably argue, the smarter ones amongst them, that spirituality in itself is like a cop-out to say you don't believe in God, but you believe in a higher power. What exactly is that higher power? What definition do you have of God that's so bulletproof as written by the Bible? You know, if you say you believe

in a higher power, but you're more spiritual than religious, like, what are you even saying? Like, what exactly are you saying? Have you been in church for a while? Like, I haven't been for a while, and I'm thinking maybe there'd be cool things to do, like, bring a laser pointer so when you see one of those kids playing with their toys and you can just, like, fuck with the kid the whole time.

That might be fun. That's not not good you're not supposed to do that church is not for games you missed the whole point of church it's for worship no i've never been you know uh i haven't been since i was a little kid i mean and but i know people who like it man they really like it they're nice people they like going to church and you know if you have your idea of what it means to be god what it means to be jesus know, if you have your idea of what it means to be God, what it means to be Jesus, you know, if you have your idea and that idea empowers you, there's a benefit in that. And a lot of atheists don't want to admit to that. They think that people should be able to get by without it. And they should, you're right.

But the way to help them is not by belittling them. It's more by explaining to them, if possible, if they're open to it, explaining to them exactly what religion is. Because it's not that you're against God. This has nothing to do with God. It has nothing to do with even the idea of God. It's entirely based on people writing shit down. And just because people are saying they represent God, to listen

to that is just like listening to people that are telling you that they're from another planet or telling you that they're psychic. They're, you just, you're, you have to trust these crazy people. You have to trust these people. And that's, that's the real problem with religion. It's human beings. It's not that the idea that there's a god man who not world is so fucking crazy there could be a god it really could be is the world is so nuts man it's so so much of it just doesn't even seem real so much of this syria thing and hearing about the radiation leaking from japan i mean every day is like a a bigger indication that this whole thing is just fucking bananas and no one knows how to keep the lid on it and there's billions of gallons of radioactive water leaking into the ocean and

they're killing people in Syria and we're gonna go kill people for killing people and whoo god damn I mean it it feels it feels about as crazy and fake as it could be. And I don't know how having a God would make it feel any less fake. If a God created all of us and is very disappointed in us now, that's not any less likely than a lot of things that are actually real. And I'm not saying that I believe in God. I'm not saying that either. I'm just saying, how could you even know?

How could you know what the fuck is next? How could you even have a guess? I guess you could have possibilities as, you know, things that you bounce around in your imagination, especially if you've had psychedelic experiences. You could have some possibilities. But how the fuck do you know? You don't know. but how the fuck do you know?

You don't know. And to say you do is almost as bad as it's almost as bad to pretend that you know there's no God as it is to pretend that you're talking to God. Right? Yes. You didn't pay attention.

You fucking ADD'd out on me. You lost me too. Of course I lost you. I tried to have a conversation with an adult. No, I mean, I was thinking, see the problem with being stoned is that you start talking about something and an idea,

and then while I'm going, wow, that's interesting right there, and start thinking about that one idea, you're still going on with the story. You know what I mean? You got slowed down. Yeah. The weed slowed you down.

That's right. I started thinking, going off about something about God being simulation theory. I was thinking of simulation theories. It's the cigarettes, man. It's the cigarettes. Cigarettes are fucking with you.

It's fucking with your mind. Hey, did you read that thing about gaining weight? It was in Today about it had to do with cigarettes, that they found a reason why people gain weight after they quit cigarettes, and it has to do with the changing of the stomach flora. Really interesting stuff. I thought it was just because it made your heart go faster, so it burned off more calories.

No, apparently not. Apparently not. I've got to find this thing. And you crave putting things in your mouth. I don't want to know about all that, okay? You craving shit in your mouth. I don't want to know about all that. Okay. You're craving shit in your mouth. Oh. I'm trying to find this.

There has to be a link to cigarettes and breastfeeding. And breastfeeding? Yeah. Something about breastfeeding too much maybe or breastfeeding too little. Why do you think that? Because the whole cigarette thing is also just putting something in your mouth all the time. For you. That's what I mean. When you quit smoking, people buy

suckers or candy or gum because you're constantly trying to do something with your mouth. Really? Yeah. It's like an oral fixation type thing. Just go suck some cocks. You know you want to. Yeah, right. Whatever. Cigarettes. Hold on. hold on typing this into google i can't find it i know i retweeted it sometimes uh twitter doesn't retweet things that you ask it to you notice that um

if what probably happens is that somebody maybe deleted the tweet and then re like changed like a spelling error and reposted it. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, here it goes. Scientists link weight gain from quitting smoking to a shift in gut bacteria correlated with obesity. That is amazing. You know, they're finding out more and more that stomach flora has a massive impact on your mood, your behavior,

your immune system, all sorts of different shit is affected by the amount of bacteria that it literally can change your behavior. And so how do you protect it? Is it using like those milk or yogurt shots? Is that the same kind of bacteria? Yeah, those will help you.

Those are healthy bacteria. That's a, those are probiotic. Sauerk healthy bacteria. Those are probiotic. Sauerkraut is very probiotic too. For people who don't like raw sauerkraut, especially kimchi is very probiotic. I love kimchi. That stuff's delicious. I love sauerkraut.

I could eat that shit all day. If you eat, yeah, make sure it's the right kind. There's a lot that's probiotic. Find out, like do a little Google search on what's the best probiotic um uh sauerkraut i think a lot of natural sauerkraut is naturally probiotic because it's sort of fermenting and growing bacteria in it um and uh kombucha that's what i like but acidophilus is a big one it's from milk culture acidophilus is a good one too because it's very aggressive like they say that acidophilus is good in preventing certain sicknesses because it'll it's a flora that like stays on your skin and if it's if it's healthy if you have a lot of

it it sort of deters the infection by other things that you might touch but that could be horseshit since i'm not a doctor but i thought you would think this is pretty interesting so because i know you'd complain that that was a problem like like when you'd quit smoking, that it would be like a real problem with holding your weight back. Well, it's because, I mean, when you smoke cigarettes, you don't have a, you don't really think of food as much. Like it takes your cravings of food away. Somebody needs to hire Joey Diaz to do one of those blue cigarette commercials.

Because he smokes those things all day now. I go, what are you doing? I go, are you smoking cigarettes again? Nah, it's the same cigarette, dog. It's nothing. Barely comes out. It's like a little mist. There's nothing coming out of here. I'm like, you're smoking cigarettes. And he's watching SpongeBob SquarePants, which is

hilarious because I remember the day at Cobb's in San Francisco. He goes, I was talking about South Park. He goes, you're fucking cartoons? You're watching cartoons, dog? You're an adult. He starts going on this rampage about- Oh, he watched it for his kid.

I know, but he loves it now. He loves SpongeBob SquarePants. It's like his favorite. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. He was so fucking funny this weekend. Oh my God. In Milwaukee?

Yeah. He's so funny. He's in his prime right now you know he's like he's in this rare area he's got this fucking liberace joke it's one of my favorite jokes that he's ever done and it's like it's getting better every time you see it like he keeps adding to it and fixing it and tweaking it he's killing him out there so fun dude he's working it and that, that dude, he works. Yeah, he definitely works. He puts in a lot of work.

Yeah. But it's also, he's getting better, too. It's really fun. Yeah. I just love people that still love stand-up, you know. Joey fucking loves it. He loves it. He really, really enjoys it.

You know, like, he has no problem, like, hanging out with people and talking to people after the shows. He really enjoys it. Hey, did you, I put this on Twitter. This is another interesting story. It's that men experience a blow to their self-esteem when their female partners experience success even when they aren't in direct competition. Isn't that crazy?

Women's success also negatively impacts how men view the future of the relationship, researchers found. That's incredible. First of all, researchers? We're researching breakups. Wait, wait. So what you're saying is if they're more successful, that scares the person? Apparently, that's exactly what they're saying.

What I think it's implying is that a man wants the woman to be weak, and if the woman proves that she is successful, that she can be independent of the man, that it's very threatening. I don't know, because I can think of it both ways, because I know a girl that, so many

girls that don't have jobs, you know, and it's just like, God, you've got to do something. What are you doing living off welfare, sleeping on people's couches? I mean, like, that is the biggest turnoff. How many girls jobs you know and it's just like god you got to do something what are you doing living off welfare sleeping on people's couches i mean like that is the biggest how many girls do you know like that like 50 60 but no a few girls but i mean and trying to go anywhere like relationship wise with them that was a huge turnoff because it's like come on what am i going to take care of this person for the rest of my life? Right. Am I their daddy? Is that when I'm going to be daddy to them? Well, it's also you're dating girls that are much younger than you.

18, 19, but yeah. That's their children. They just escaped from their home, their abusive home. I met a girl recently that was older than her mom. Oh, Christ. That's so gross. You silly bitch. That's so gross. You silly bitch. That's weird.

I kind of can see how for a lot of men that are insecure, that would be like a real thing. It's fucking hard to be secure with like a really powerful woman in a relationship. Can you imagine if you were like dating Jennifer Lopez? And she's like, what are you doing today? And you're like, I'm going to go to do a podcast. And she's like, oh, really? Well, I'm hosting the Grammys.

Yeah, unless you're both. She puts on some diamonds and wiggles her ass in front of you and walks out the door and a bunch of dudes hole open the door for her and she slides into a limousine and photographers snap a picture

and then she darts off. And you're like, damn, that bitch doesn't need me at all. She doesn't even need me a little. Yeah, but if you were both famous like that, I think it would work. Or at least both enough to a point where you're just like,

alright, we're both chill with our, we're both making good money to get... Maybe, yeah. But maybe they compete against each other like superstars. Maybe Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas, maybe that was part of the Duke, was like how good he played Liberace. God damn it, I can't take this.

No, they actually fucked. Him and Matt Damon probably. Well, he's like, I gotta damn it. I can't take it. No, they actually fucked. Like him and Matt Damon probably. Well, it's like I got to do it. It's for the part. That's why. The study, I thought it was fascinating that they did a study on this, but I also thought it was fascinating,

the results, because they kind of make sense. I've known, especially like for a weak man, you know, I think it's probably really hard for a lot of dudes who are not, like, where they want to be to deal with, like, a partner who's, like, maybe possibly surpassing them, you know, in, like, the social ladder or the perceived success ladder, passing them and almost making them feel diminished by their own woman in competition. You've met guys that can't play basketball with them because if they lose, they get shitty. Have you ever met people like that?

Or pool or a video game? Yeah, but I've also known ex-girlfriends and women that I've known that got mad or jealous of my position and my job. Like, oh, you have to just get paid to talk all day, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. That's cunty, isn't it? Yeah, I think it works both ways.

Well, that's just, again, the people you're fucking hanging around with, son. I have to put shit in my ass all day. And what, you have to talk? Oh, Christ. Yeah, but you know what? That talking thing is something that you kind of like figured out how to get there. All right? And if she wants to talk for a living, she needs to figure out how to get there.

It's really that simple. I mean, just because you did doesn't mean that she can't. And it also doesn't mean that somehow or another you took anything away from her. So when people are like shitty to you about your thing that you're doing, like, you're missing out on a huge opportunity to be bored with your own life and do something about it. Like, to bitch about, you know, you don't even have to do anything. All you're doing is they're talking.

Yeah, you don't even work. I ain't saying talk. You ever done a hard day's work in your life this time? Yes, I've done about 20 years. People will get mad at you if you don't work hard. Yeah, look at you with your manicured fingers. You're not even struggling. You don't even hate. You don't even

hate work and life. Right? Yeah. Folks, it ain't about that. It ain't about the guy who drives by in a clean car when you're dirty. It's not his fault. It's you should figure out how to be clean. You should figure out how to do a job that doesn't involve you walking in mud all day.

And that's possible because somebody else has done it. And it doesn't mean, I don't buy the idea that, you know, the society the way it is right now, it has to be this way. Someone's always going to have to work at Burger King. Someone's always going to have to, I don't buy that. I think people are pretty fucking flexible. If you look at the broad spectrum of humans and human behavior from different cultures all over the world,

it's pretty obvious to me that there's a lot of different ways that people can act. We don't have to have fast food workers. We don't have to have people who work shit jobs. We don't have to. We just need to figure out how to restructure society so everybody somehow or another plays a part, has something to contribute, has something to share. I mean, that's what a real society is supposed to be like. I give you some coconuts. You give me some fish. You know, we make a deal and you do it back and forth and left and right. And when there's nothing to contribute, then you start looking, the president needs to give us jobs. We need jobs. So instead of something to contribute,

just find something to do with your time. And then it becomes about doing that more than it becomes about finding something to contribute. So society gets wrapped around becoming a part of a machine. Society, instead of becoming a bunch of individuals that are expressing themselves in unique ways, and everybody sort of borrows and shares and sells this and you sell that, and we all sort of figure out how we can contribute in a society, we got sidetracked and diverted into these boxes that they call companies and corporations. And we got stuck into these containers that go cubicles or offices. and we got forced into this system. So our time, instead of it being invested in making pottery or fixing cars or doing something where you have a passion or you have some sort of a connection to,

instead of that, you've sold your life to sit in a box and work for a machine, an uncaring machine that demands productivity. It doesn't understand you. It doesn't want to understand you. It has a bunch of very strict things in order to keep the humor at a minimum in the office, just in case one of you fuckheads says some stupid sex jokes to get some sued and they have to give somebody a million dollars. So get it together and this is your life now. No natural behavior. Everybody's wearing clothes they don't want to wear. Everybody's showing up and doing something they don't want to do, they have no connection to.

That's the problem with our society. And then what's the reward for all this stuff? Go home, get a big TV. Go home, you're going to get a shiny belt buckle. You're going to get a nice purse. You're going to wear shoes that you couldn't afford last week. You're going to get that dream car. And every week we're chasing down this new object.

And every week we're trying to fill this hole in this sad shadow of a life that we've been left with after work. That you work eight to whatever hours a day, plus commuting, and then you're like this. And that's your life. That's your real fucking life. All that other stuff is not your life anymore. All that other stuff is not your life

anymore. All that other stuff is work. And most of us have committed to that. I know you've been there before and I've been there before. And we, we understand that it's a trap because we got out of it. But for the people that are in it, a lot of times they don't even understand it's a trap. They just think it's a good job. They think they got dental. I'm doing really good. I got my own pocket supplies, got my name on it. You're just a piece of a heartless, shitty machine that makes money. The Joe Rogan experience. I could just see that being cut into one of those YouTube videos that somebody does, and in the background there's people walking fast,

and the sun rising really slow. You know what, man? Somebody's got to say that. If people don't hear it, they're going to get a bad job. They're going to waste their fucking life. Don't you think you have to go through all that just to figure out what you want to do?

I think I did, but I don't think you have to. I did, but when I became a comedian when I was 21, I was 100% convinced that I was going to be a stand-up comedian for the rest of my life. I didn't need to worry about what was next. I was like, this is what I'm doing. I don't want to do anything else.

This is what I'm doing. Once I found it, I was good. All the jobs were just to feed myself while I was trying to make that work. But it's to get one and commit to it and have it become a part of your life becomes really problematic. Because if you're a dirtbag like myself who drove limos and did construction and did all these, you know, almost kind of temporary jobs that a lot of people drift in and out of. There's nothing expected of you, but if you get hired by a major corporation and become a big part of their, their, their, you know, their program, like, let's say you're also an animator and you get a gig. Like I have a friend who was an illustrator and he was working for Nickelodeon and he got fired and he was panicking and he was like shit I don't know

what the fuck to do he's like uh you know I gotta I gotta figure out another job so he started making paintings and selling his paintings it was the greatest thing that's ever happened to him now he's just super his name's Todd White he's a super successful artist he makes like this uh kind of martini style like uh cocktails from the, like, cocktail parties from the 1920s, like those cool kind of cartoonish martini glass things. He's got a real specific, distinctive style. It's really cool. He's a great artist. And he's also a black belt in jiu-jitsu. I know him from John Jack Machado's. He's a great guy, but it was an opportunity for him to lose a job and even a job that he

loved as an illustrator. But, you know, I'm sure he'd much rather do what he wants to do and do what's going on in his mind. Oh, that's a cool style. Oh, he's really cool. He's badass. And he's a great guy, too. Very cool guy. He's a talented jiu-jitsu guy, too. Last time I rolled with him, he catched me in an umbar. Me like this. Last time I roll with him, he catch me in an umbar. Me like this.

Yeah, he's very good. All of his stuff is really cool. It's very uniquely him. Do you ever go to art galleries and just have some wine and check out an art? Never do any of that stuff? I'm losing patience with humans. No, I have been to art galleries, sure. I like certain types of art. I'm really into, like, sculptures.

Sculptures? Yeah, I'm fascinated by that. Fascinated by really good sculptures and really good painting. But I went to this art gallery that had, like, a lot of this, like, really, what's the way you would put it? I guess it's modern, sort of abstract, that Jackson Pollock type stuff. And it was so ridiculously expensive. It was hurting my feelings. I was looking at these paintings.

I was like, this is just some paint. You threw some paint around. And now you want a shitload of money for this thing. This is crazy. I can't get into that. I can't. I just can't get into that i can't i just can't i get it i get this i get it maybe like it would make a room look brighter stick that in the corner i don't get

it being worth thirty thousand dollars i don't get that this doesn't make any sense to me i see what that is that's some paint that i could take my four-year-old and i could get her to do that yeah i i don't i buy prints I believe in prints like there's like this whole thing where people look down on prints like oh you just printed it out so what yeah but you know there's only whatever yeah but I I love art and I just start recently got into it but I noticed that when looking at my walls, I have a theme of boobs and sexy women and stuff like that. My uncle, I don't know if I ever told you, my uncle growing up, my aunt and uncle, we'd go to his house for Christmas, and there would be these crazy, humongous paintings.

They have a nice farmhouse, really old school, religious family, and then they would have these humongous paintings of just naked people or women, naked women everywhere. And they would have penthouses in the bathroom. Oh, yeah. You told me about this family. Yeah, but it's like I'm turning into that. That's so weird. Well, you're not because you don't have kids.

Yeah. If you have kids come over and that's how you're living, that's where it gets different. You saw that when you were a kid, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I would sit there and take 15 poops a day. They had kids as well?

That's the deal. If they don't have kids, it's a totally different environment. They actually live like natural people. People who have kids have to hide everything. You're living like an actual man. If men wanted to decorate their house and they didn't worry about the repercussions

of the design, there'd be tits everywhere. The only reason we'd have tits all over our house is because women would get mad at us. But if you went over a guy's house and saw tits everywhere, you're like, oh, this guy is not going to stick with me. He's not marrying me. This is not going to work out. We're not having a family together.

He's going to stick it in me and then another girl and then he'll have these black tits over here and Chinese tits over there. Like, nobody wants that in the female kingdom. They don't want that. They'll start taking them down. If they move in with you, the first thing that's going is the tits. Right. We got to take those tits down.

This is just too much. We can replace them with my tits. Like, maybe you'll get that. I always had that problem whenever I lived with a girl where you're like look we have to take down this poster of Terminator Oh, you know like we're putting up a basket and putting some and there's a lot of men who won't admit that They're changing because the woman wants them to behave differently And those guys become a real problem because they start to justify their behavior as if it's correct They'll say things to you like, you know, why don't you just grow up, man?

Like, seriously. I think it's about time you take the tits down off your wall. I mean, fuck, bro. You're almost 40, all right? Really? Meanwhile, they are miserable, and you're smoking pot, giggling, watching sci-fi films while they're arguing with their wife,

and your walls are covered with tits. So no one's wrong here, okay? I hope you like your life, but you can't tell someone that the way they're living with tits on their wall is a bad way. It's not. It's just not your way.

But everybody doesn't want, they don't want options. They don't want you to have that option without being a loser. No, no, no, no. You're losing and I'm winning. Do you understand? You with your tits on your wall, you're almost fucking 40.

Pull your pants up. Loser. They want you to be a loser. This one girl that I know, I went to her house, and she was in the industry. The industry. I love how you said that. I think that's a movie. Yeah, well, she was in porn.

But she had a lot of artist friends. She was in comic books and stuff had this lot of artist friends that, like, you know, she was in, like, comic books and stuff like that where they would draw her. But she would have all these fans send her, like, pictures of herself, like these humongous paintings of, like, her bending over, like, her butthole. And it's, like, a humongous painting. And she's like, I don't know. I'm not going to hang this up in my house. Hang it up.

And so she's like, do you want this? And part of me was like, this would be the coolest thing in the whole entire world. I would put this, you know, like, and I'm like, wait, no, I can't have it. Yes, you could. Big picture of somebody I know bent over. You should have got it, and you should have put it right behind you while the show's playing. Dude, that would have been awesome. How big is it?

It's humongous. Can you still get it? No. View stream would mind if we put a band-aid over the butthole. Oh, that would be awesome. Just left it alone, just put a band-aid over the butthole. I should ask her. That would be hilarious if I had to. Well, you know, awesome. Just left it alone, just put a bandaid over the butthole. I should ask her. That would be hilarious

if I had to. Well, you know, then our show would probably lose a lot of credibility and some guests wouldn't want to be on. Like back when we had

the flashlight as a sponsor, there was a lot of guests that were like, you know, we can't be associated with the flashlight. Do you still have a box of those?

Oh, yeah. Did you have to throw them out? No, no. I've got them. Do you want one? Yeah, I need a couple. I think I have two or three left. People keep coming over to my house and stealing them. Do you want one? Yeah, I need a couple. I think I have two or three left. People keep coming over

to my house and stealing them. I just want a fresh one, man. I want to go on vacation for a while. No, I definitely have some. I definitely have some. Yeah, they sent me boxes of those things. It's a fascinating thing how people would negative, like, they would have a negative

feeling about the show because of that. And one of the good things about having that as a sponsor is because no one could ever take you seriously. You didn't have any of the responsibilities of someone who's like a serious journalist or anything. If you're being sponsored by the Fleshlight, you're immediately dismissed. So it's good. It's good that way. And anybody who comes on, look, you got to realize you're being sponsored by the Fleshlight. Didn't Sam Harris have a problem with that? Did we do, like, no sponsors on his podcast?

I don't know. I think that's how we worked around it. Oh, that's right. Yeah. I think he was, well, I mean, it makes sense. The guy's like a serious intellectual. He's going to come hang out with us assholes. Talk about rubber pussies and all kinds of other craziness.

Yeah, imagine having Ashley Madison as a sponsor. That would be weird karma right there. Yeah. That seems like if people want to go out and put together an illicit affair, they don't need help. They don't need a website. But, you know, I ain't hatin'.

Ashley Madison is an interesting one, though. It shows the changing of the times. And can you imagine if anything like this existed in the 1980s or the 1990s? It's like people are just opening up to so many weird and interesting new possibilities for how we interact with each other. I think that it's going to get real weird within the next 20 years, man. Real fucking weird. I think men and women are probably going to be able to do a lot of

really weird communication through technology where you're going to have to you know have something that records either records experiences or can convey experiences and you'll be able to sync up with each other you'll be able to feel what it feels like when you go inside of her it's probably going to have something to do with like almost the good the next after google glasses when they finally get it inside your eyeball you know and so you're yeah it's reading your your thoughts and feelings if you have a relationship you're like all right i'm granting you access into my face you know what i mean so she can feel and see everything you do like it's almost gonna be that's gonna be the new marriage where like no i get to know exactly what's going on because I'm on your database.

You know what I mean? Does that make sense? It totally makes sense. And they could ask if you want to pair. Should you allow Lydia to pair with you? Right. And you're like, oh, okay, yes. Permanently?

That's an option. Permanently, you have to throw your database away if you want to get out of it. Or something like that. You got to go to the Apple store and they fucking do surgery on your head. And you have to grant certain access. If there's whatever the doctor is nowadays, you'd have to grant,

you get access to my body to fix me. And then some rogue doctor is not going to take the access away. They're going to hack it. They're going to hack it and tap into your fucking dome, son. And then the government's going to find a way to get into your database and be able to control you to where it's actually you're walking around.

What's incredible is how close, at least in concept, it is to The Matrix. The movie The Matrix, when the dude had the big bolt in the back of his head, and then he realized when he got unplugged that he had been locked up to that thing. That idea is not far-fetched. It's just not. They're going to be able to stimulate various aspects of the brain and create memories. They're going to be able to introduce artificial memories

that haven't been there before. These are all ideas they're pretty sure they're going to be able to pull off. Demolition Man. You've seen the Demolition Man, right? That's Arnold. No, I mean, Sylvester Stallone, right? Yeah, this is the... And Wesley Snipes, right?

This is the sex scene. This is a sex scene? Yeah, but in the future. Oh, they were in opposite ends of the house or something like that? I can't remember. I think it's what happens here they put helmets on oh they put helmets on yeah that's right

oh this is hilarious what year was this uh i would say something like 95 or something like that we'll begin what he says she says having sex of course like he doesn't he's like what the hell I don't even know about all this here Is that Sandra Bullock? Yeah, of course. Goddamn she's hot back then still Oh, oh can't believe this can't believe we're meeting in the middle of the universe and having a little sex. Wow. That's too much face. Yeah, wear the boudet. I think he's just nutting in his pants.

Oh. So this is, oh, just nutting in his pants! That's not how sexist you are, right? Like a crazy woman's face? What, there's another option? That would be nightmare. That's not sexy. Whoa, this is craziness. Look at this. I can't get a ticket. I'm coming too hard. You came too fast. What'd he say?

Yeah, that's what... Alright, Oxley, what do you say we just do it the old-fashioned way? Whatever. Wow, that sounds like a really well-written movie. That was back when they hadn't figured that out yet. There's so many people that are just in love with that movie. That movie's a great movie! Don't talk shit about my movie just because

of one weird sex scene. Where's Sandra Bullock been, man? She's in a new movie. With Bill Burr? No. Is Bill Burr in the movie? I heard Bill Burr's in Breaking Bad. Yeah, I heard he is in it, too. That's badass.

Bill Burr rules. Do you watch that show? No, I do not.'t, too. That's badass. That's badass. Bill Burr rules. Do you watch that show? No, I do not. I watched it the first season way back in the day. Yeah. But I haven't watched it in a while. It's one of those I've got to catch up on, especially now that this is the last season.

I'm just going to watch the whole thing. Positive pregnancy tests in high demand on Craigslist. Man, Chaz Bono is actually looking like a dude nowadays. Yeah, that's what happens, man. Look at that. They pump you full of testosterone. You lift weights for a few years. What is the left?

That's old Chaz Bono when he was fatter. Was that when he was still a man? Yeah, this is right when he started being a man, I guess. Wow. Now he looks pretty charming. It's really interesting. Right? Incredibly interesting.

I mean, that's pretty good. There's so few women to men that you hear about. It seems more rare, right? Yeah, he looks like a total dude. Positive pregnancy, it's kind of cool that they can do that to him, you know? His whole life, wanting to be a man. Positive pregnancy tests in high demand on Craigslist. I'll read it again.

How crazy is that shit? Positive pregnancy? Yes. So, like, just to make somebody marry you, maybe? Exactly. They advertise tests for women hoping to trick their boyfriends into popping the question. Wow. Wow. Whoa.

That's crazy. They're only $25, too. $25? Positive pregnancy test, $25 in Buffalo, New York. Yes, you saw that right. I'm willing to sell positive pregnancy tests. Ever since I became pregnant, I have been asked numerous times for a positive test, so I decided to start charging for it, exclamation point. Wow. I'm always near my phone, so just send an email wow that's kind of crazy some crazy pregnant

bitch just pissing on chicks pregnancy tests all day that's her business 25 bucks a pop she's got a basket full of them just pissing on them like crazy drinking giant jugs of kool-aid and pissing all over these fucking things. And then like two days before the wedding, you fake a miscarriage. And then everyone buys you better toys and presents, gives you more money. Oh, that's so rude. You're evil. I don't even think the most evil woman could think that way.

Actually, they might, right? They might time it. Totally exactly right. Man, I had somebody do a fake pregnancy with me once. Remember that? That's stupid. Just so I would give her money. Yeah, there's a lot of these positive pregnancy test things

where they're advertising these things and where they're asking for them, too. It's kind of weird, man. I would buy it just to smell them. How much is that? $25 a smell? $25 just to smell some random chick's piss. If you're a real freak, you might go for it.

I bet you could sell that for $25. Here, send me a rag and I'll pee on it. It's not outside the realm of possibility. It's crazy, though. Manipulation. Just some people, like, that's their relationship. It's just a constant battle like that. It's got to be a weird way to enter into a lifelong commitment for a fake pregnancy

test. I mean, what if it all works out? You're happy you got married. Then one day you're sitting around. She goes, honey, I'm going to tell you something really funny. Remember when I had that miscarriage? I was never really pregnant. It was fake. I knew you'd be happy eventually. So, look, I was right. Here we are. 60 years later. The guy's like, shit. I don't care, honey.

I love you. It's got to be the responsibility of being the one who could possibly get pregnant. Boy, does that fucking change the game. That's why they say that one of the biggest changes in behavior for human beings was when birth control was invented. Because then for the first time, women had some sort of control over their own ability to get pregnant or not get pregnant, their own contraception. They didn't have to count on a guy to wear a rubber, that guy doesn't want to wear a rubber. Otherwise they got to get like an IUD or a diaphragm. Those things fucking slip

out, especially if you have a thunderous tremendous waterfall of loads slamming into that thing. They can't take a good shot. They're good. They're good for the average load. You get a Wilt Chamberlain load in there, it just finds its way around.

Blows that sucker sideways. One of those big revolving doors in Indiana Jones. That's what it does. The load hits it and just opens it up. But that was a big change, apparently, for women when they had this new freedom. They could just fuck around. They didn't have to worry about some guy could just shoot one in there.

Oh, my God, you almost got me pregnant. Psych. We didn't have to worry about some guy could just shoot one in there. Oh, my God, you almost got me pregnant. Psych. We didn't have to worry about it. I just can't believe that people still want to get married nowadays. I mean, it just seems like now that you just know so many people that go in and get married, get divorced. You know, it's just like you know more people that have been married than that are, that are married at least. Yeah. Well you, there, there's always going to be, um,

a certain amount that are trying to talk you into it too, which is always weird. Like you should just get married. Hey man, you should settle down, get married, marry the girl, go ahead and marry her.

You should marry her. And you're like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Hey, Hey,

Hey, why, why, why to marry people want to drag other people into that fucking shell game? It's like a cult. I never tell people to get married. People ask me to get married, you know, if they should get married. I say, listen, I enjoy being married, but it's rare.

It's rare that you do. You know, me and Mrs. Rogan get along great. She's a sweetheart. She's a really nice person. We enjoy talking to each other. We enjoy raising children together. We love it. But that shit's rare, man. It's really rare that people don't annoy the fuck out of each other after a while. They grow apart. They start getting annoyed with each other. They're around each other all the time. And then the dark shit happens when they start breaking up and people start getting mercenary about where the money goes.

People start getting mercenary about the house and it starts becoming a competition. I've seen it happen too many times. I've seen it happen way too many times for me to think that it's a good idea to get married. Because the ending of relationships when people just break up aren't nearly as bad. But the consequences of divorce are just fucking devastating. Breakups suck. Nobody likes breaking up. Nobody likes being of divorce are just fucking devastating. Breakups suck. Nobody likes breaking up. Nobody likes being depressed. Nobody likes missing somebody. Sucks, period. But divorce is breakup times 100, maybe more.

Where you become 100% enemies. Yeah. They go to war. People go to war, man. And it gets ugly. And they legally know, they legally have to still be engaged in this thing. You're brought into the court. It's like, once you get into that court system and you're divvying everything up inside the court system, you have to be in their world. You have to be engaging with them, men and women. Both, you know, I'm sure like it equally. Both are equally guilty of wanting the person who wants to leave them to be forced to pay. It's craziness, man. It's madness. The only time it makes sense is to me when there's children involved and when the woman has to, you know, it takes a lot of time to raise children. It takes a tremendous amount of time to be pregnant, to give birth, to actually raise the child. And a woman should be compensated for that, I think.

If you choose to not work and stay home and you're raising children, there's a big difference between that and a couple that don't have any kids that are in a relationship that break up and the woman gets mercenary. Because I've seen that too. And that is so much grosser.

That is the grossest shit ever. When you see a couple and they're just a man and a woman and they don't have any kids together and they decide to get married and during the time they're together and they're in love, they both work and they split income. And then when they go to get divorced, the mercenary shit that takes place, the fighting over the house, the fucking calling the IRS on someone and pretending they owe more money than they do. Sending in anonymous letters about them. Like, all that kind of craziness starts happening. And people become enemies with each other in a way that doesn't exist in any other kind of relationship. It's very rare that friends ever do that to each other, you know? Like, how often do you hear about a friend, like, suing another friend?

Taking a friend to court? It's pretty rare. Very rare. But it almost happens, at least half of the cases where people decide to get married, at least half the people I know that decided to do that legal contract thing

wind up falling apart. At least half. When it gets to half, it's got to be like, Jesus, what a crapshooter you involved in. Right. The only time it makes sense to me is raising children. And even then it doesn't make sense.

It makes sense that a woman would want it and that they like being able to say it and they like the different classification that they feel it gives the relationship. But it's a nutty way to live. Tied into this legal system. The legal system, you should avoid that motherfucker if at all possible. Whenever you can avoid being involved in the world of lawyers and paying for lawyers and going to court.

Jesus Christ, avoid that. Avoid it if you can. Absolutely avoid it if you can. You take your shit, I'll take my shit. Well, that's how you're rocking it. That's how you're rocking it right now. But then, you know, there's also you get lonely. You want to know someone truly and intimately. Well, that's how you're rocking it. That's how you're rocking it right now. But then, you know, there's also you get lonely.

You want to know someone truly and intimately, and that takes a long time to do, to really understand someone. Because people, like, they pretend to be something that they're not. They put on behavior that is, like, acceptable at the beginning, you know, because you think they're really unique. And then as you get to know them, you find out it's kind of a bullshit act. It takes a long time to figure out who's real and who's not and who you really enjoy hanging out with and talking to. And you don't get that in those fly-by-night, girl just moves in, moves out, two-month-later relationships. You get chaos and eggs thrown at your house.

T-shirts stolen. You get craziness, man. And that's what you're going to get in that sort of a relationship. So that's the rub. It's like, what do you want? Do you want to get the possibility of being annoyed with each other and constant fights, which we've all seen. We've all seen. We've all seen the legal entanglements that involve when you break up.

Or do you want to have these fly-by-night 20-year-old crazy bitches coming in and out of your life? Yeah. Because you don't seem to be enjoying it either. That doesn't seem to be the best option either. Everybody wants to be able to James Bond it. You've known me in a lot of relationships, long relationships, though.

I have always been one of those people that just likes it. I think it's comfortable having somebody, even if you're not excited or anything like that. It's just nice to have somebody with you all the time, like a partner, even if, you know, you're not excited or anything like that. It's just nice to have, like, somebody with you all the time. Like a partner that you can go home to, you know, and stuff. Companionship. I haven't done that for a while, though. Had that.

If it goes bad. Live with somebody or done that. I kind of miss it, though. It's a nice feeling. If it goes bad, and I've seen it go bad with you, it gets ugly. It's devastating for your emotional health. It doesn't feel good. Yeah.

It's a real problem when you get really close to somebody and then you start hating each other. That has a real physical effect on you. I've had the worst shows of my life after breakups. The worst shows ever. Because you just don't feel funny at all. You just feel like a fucking loser. Some of the worst sets I had,

like when I moved from New York, from Boston rather, to New York, I was breaking up with this chick that I dated in Boston, and she really was done with me before I was really done with her, so it was like extra ego bruise.

Right. And I just decided, you know, to get the fuck out of dodge and move to uh new jersey um and uh the uh going on stage was so hard because i was nothing was funny to me i was just like an emotional sad case i wasn't like i didn't i didn't understand how to embrace things i didn't understand how to embrace the adventure of like now i'm gonna be doing stand-up in New York and you know holy shit I'm here I moved out I'm staying in my grandparents house in New Jersey I

was just a terrible mess like terrified about the future bummed out that this girl doesn't want to be with me anymore and my sets were terrible because of that for like a while like a couple of weeks. It took me a while, like, sort of to get it together and get loose again. That's indicative of, like, there's an emotional state that breakups put you in. It's unhealthy. Yeah. Yeah, especially when I remember my big one when I first moved out here.

I mean, I did it for, like, seven years. And I went on complete sadness that, you know, like this is the worst thing in the world for like a month. Then I went, revenge. I'm going to lose a shitload of weight. And that's when I lost all that weight. Remember that? And it was so, I mean, that lasted a year.

A year of my life probably. You know, when it said to done, I was still like, what is she doing? Oh my God, where is she at? It's so weird how much connection you get with somebody. And then when that's gone, it's like they kind of died. You went from being like, this is my partner in life to, whoa, that person exists still? She's breathing right now?

Yeah. You ever stop and think about high school girlfriends? Oh, yeah. That's real weird. I just talked to one the other day. Did you really? Yeah, she has daughters now and everything like that. This is the one that I dated in high school that cheated on me with my best friend.

And the day of graduation, she sat with his family. Oh, my goodness. And so my dad's like, where's so-and-so? And I was like, she's over there with Ted's parents. But she's like, do you have all those pictures? I mean, I used to have tons of photos of me and her. And I was like, yeah, I actually have them on my Flickr. And so she wanted me to print them out or send her links so she could print them out and show her kids, like, oh, this is how mommy used to be.

It's weird talking to that. That was 20hmm. But it's weird talking to that. That was 20 years ago. Yeah, it's weird talking to anybody that you knew from back then that you were friends with. But it's really weird when it's a girl. A girl you used to date. It's because of that weird thing.

Strange feeling. You used to fuck each other. And now here you are, 20 years later, saying, shut up, kids. Quiet, mommy's on the phone with Uncle Brian. It's not the same person either. It almost feels like it's a different person.

Of course it is a different person. You're a different person than when I met you. Everybody's different. If you keep evolving, eventually you're not the same thing that you were just a year ago. You're not the same thing you were a week ago if you have conviction. I mean, who are you? You are what

you decide you are right now. It's whether or not you can maintain that, you know, whether or not you can maintain what you would like to be. But for a lot of people, you're barely the same thing every year. Every year you're developing sort of new ideas about things, understanding your faults a little bit better, understanding where understanding your faults a little bit better, understanding where you fuck up a little bit better and try not to do it, being a little bit more disciplined about certain things where you feel like you've been lacking. If that happens, you're not the same thing you were a year ago. You're not the same thing you were five years ago. You're not. You change. I don't believe half the things that I believed

10, 15 years ago. I look at things totally differently. Like we were talking about the Hugh Hefner joke. You know, like I wouldn't do that joke today. I wouldn't pick on one guy like that for no reason just because he's banging some chicks. I would do it in a different way. I would do it way less mean. He's so adorable too with his little captain's hat on, his little blankies. Well, here was my beef with it, and it'll always be this,

is that he's a pornographer, and no one wants to admit that. For some reason, it's like the socially accepted pornography. And I don't think there's anything wrong with pornography, but I think it's weird that we pretend that if you don't show the vagina that it's somehow or another acceptable. And the difference between that and when you see crystal clear hustler stuff where they're opening your pussy,

that's nasty? To who? Is this for women? Is this stuff for women? Because it's not nasty for me. What's going on? And the idea is that Playboy is kind of classy. It's all about the photography. It's almost like the art of the woman compared to like, hey, my pussy.

Please listen to you, you, put your, my pussy, fuck it. Please, listen to you, you convert. It's all about the art of the woman. It is. He has. That's the type of shit. The photographers for Playboy. Photographers say fuck those girls. The photographers for Playboy are fucking legit photographers.

These people are like. The best ever. The best. Like for photos and everything. And the boys, I think she does a lot of stuff for Playboy. Penthouse, though. I mean, you're getting a combination. Or Hustler.

You're getting a combination of good photographers and just guys that have cameras. Yeah. See, that's what I say. I don't need a lot of photography skills when it comes to looking at naked chicks. Yeah. Just they have to be clear. It's a clear picture. We're good.

I don't know. You look Just they have to be clear. It's a clear picture. We're good. I don't know. You look at somebody like Holly Randall. I think that's... Well, there's definitely a different feeling. There's definitely a different feeling

to watching something or looking at a magazine where girls are, you know, like pissing in each other's mouths and spreading their assholes open and a girl who's just posing with her mouth slightly agape you know arching her back hand on her firm ass that is different yeah check out a holly randall.com

sometimes she's one of my favorite female photographers for erotic she does a lot of shit for penthouse though but uh amazing photographer very nice woman too. Um, I just think that it's, it's, it's just weird that people decide what, what is and what's not acceptable when it comes to pornography. And it has to do with actually seeing things like we'd like seeing the vagina itself. Like you don't think vaginas are beautiful. Do you think that somehow or another that the woman's body is beautiful, her breasts are beautiful, but the vagina is a little much. You are, in fact, wrong, okay? Because vaginas are beautiful.

Some of them. They're delicious. They look great. Sometimes. They look great. Unless there's a problem with it and, you know, look, it is what it is. I mean, it's not saying that every vagina has to look awesome. What we are saying, though, if you take photos of them, you should probably limit those photos to the ones that look

pretty good. But that's just like, unless you want it to be like a character piece. If you go on some of these cam websites and you start seeing so many different kinds of vaginas. Oh, no, no, no, no, you don't. And I tell you, man, if you, like, on MyFreeCams, you could choose South Africa. There's usually like

four girls on there. I mean, there was this one girl and her vagina really looked unhealthy. Oh, my God. That's usually like four girls on there. I mean, there was this one girl and her vagina really looked unhealthy. That's not pretty. So, John McCain was playing poker on his iPhone while his colleagues were discussing

bombing Syria. They have a photograph of him. He's sitting there with his iPhone and he's playing poker. That's hilarious. It's fucking hilarious with his iPhone and he's playing poker. That's hilarious. It's fucking hilarious, dude. You've been following all this, right? You saw all the gas videos where all those people were getting gassed on, I think it was Ustream or something

like that. Somebody was broadcasting it live and people were dying. Have you been paying attention to it? I don't know much, but did they ever find out who gassed? Was it the government gassing their own people, or was it some death squads or something like that?

I do not know exactly who did it. I know that somebody took... We should probably Google that, because someone took credit for it. Wow, that's hilarious. He does... But, I mean, where is this coming from? Yes, this is hero Wow that's hilarious

credit for but you know what he's so old that maybe he was just like how do I get down an email up what what is this I'm trying to you like what if he accidentally hit you know the poker You know what I mean? Well, he's playing, though. Oh. That motherfucker's logged in. It's like a still photo. He's having a good time.

He knows what he wants to do. He wants to play poker. He doesn't want to talk about Syria. He's been saying, let's fucking bomb him. And then he goes right back on another race. Woo! Full house, bitches. Look at that.

Look at that. Huh? Wait a minute. I would like to see if it was him just staring at his phone like, what is it doing? He's too old to figure out where is my email? You know, old people with technology.

Who did this? So I'm still Syria. Responsibility. I guess the Syrian rebels. I don't know. There's all sorts of terrible shit going on over there. This is the same conflict where that guy who was from the people that we're backing ate a piece of the man's heart. Cut it out of his chest. chest ate a chunk of his heart

yeah yeah Jesus Christ like whose side are we on? we're on that guy's side it kind of sucks though because you know if we do anything with Syria

I mean then are we going to get in war with Russia again? oh I don't know because Russian has like their last base there like they're big yeah that see who the fuck knows what's really going on behind the scenes in any of these things you know

you know i shouldn't say you know anymore you know that yeah because it's another way of saying um the uh documentary that we always talk about, or the paper rather, that Smedley Butler, War is a Racket. It's a guy who lived in the 1930s. It was War is a Racket, but naked. And he wrote this thing in 1935. It's so crazy because if you read it today, it's so poignant. It's hard to believe, really,

that it was actually so long ago that he wrote this. It was a speech and then a booklet that he put out. It's 51 pages. And it was published in 1935 by Roundtable Press. And the booklet was also condensed into a Reader's Digest as a book supplement. And it's really an impossible message today. It's so strange that this was actually published in a book in 1935. It's impossible for us to believe, rather, that this was the message.

And it's war is a racket. It's always been. It's possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It's the only one international in scope. It's the only one in which profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives. And this is, it's a long thing. I don't want to read any more of it, but it's fucking brilliant. And this is a guy that was a major military figure. He was the United States Marine Corps Major General. Two-time Medal of Honor recipient. It's pretty crazy. So when you look at that, that was 1935,

and you think, well, what has been done about stopping that type of behavior? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. Not only that, it's evolved because everything evolves. It's not like they've cleaned house and taken all the people out that were involved in this type of behavior and educated them on ethics and morals and humanity and being kind to people. Get the fuck out of here, bitch. They're just better at hiding it, better at making money at it, and just better at it, period. From whatever this was, which was almost 100 years ago now, which is really crazy. It was 80 fucking years ago.

That's, god damn, that's so long ago. Just wrap your head around that 1935 date. That's incredible. 80 fucking years ago, almost. Wrap your head around that. Just think about these people living back then. And this guy comes out with this book. World War I.

He comes out with this book before World War II. It's like, this is just bullshit. They're just going over there to save bankers. They're just going over here to make it safe for the oil companies. They're just going over here. And they're pretending that they're fucking saving the world. When you read that, there's no reason to believe that anything has changed. So when you see this serious shit, you gotta go, I don't know, man. All I know is Ron Paul's not buying it. Ron Paul's not?

Ron Paul thinks that some, he thinks that it would be ridiculous to attack those people with gas like that. He thinks that somebody who wants to drag us into war did that. Because that would be the reason why people would be willing to accept another war. It would take something along those lines. And to make it so big and so public, he said, why would they do that?

You know, he said, I believe that it's a false flag. When you hear a guy like Ron Paul say something like that, who would know? You know, I think Ron Paul might know. God damn it, Brian. Now you got me scared. Did you see that video of that boulder falling down? Yes. Yeah.

Life is fucking terrifying. That's ridiculous where was this it looks like it so yeah yeah but this kind of reminds me of like you know where you're driving in Malibu you know you've driven that road and I guess you can see it like fall loose from the mountain right before it if there's that suddenly a waterfall just starts or something? Well, it absolutely can happen in Malibu, and it does. Look at that. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God. And look at this big fucking, oh, you almost died. Oh, my God. That is incredible. That's so Looney Tunes. It's so big. And then they hit their hazards. So polite Japanese.

I know. Powerful, polite Japanese people. If that was an American, they'd be going, fuck, shit, fucking, fucking, cunt. Wow, this is crazy. Boom. And that could happen any day. Look at that. Go on Malibu Canyon.

Look at that. That car almost got smushed. It puts your ass in the car. Well, Malibu Canyon has been closed several times since I've lived here. Yeah. I thought about living in Malibu before. Malibu is fucking beautiful, man. It's so awesome.

You're out there on the mountain overlooking the ocean. It's so beautiful. And the people there are chill. There's something about being right by the water, I think, that does something to a person. All beach communities are chill. They like to have fun and relax. It feels like a more enjoy life type of vibe.

I would love to do it. But the problem with Malibu is there's a bunch of crazy rich people popping pills there. Yeah. Bringing their dog everywhere. Like, they'll bring their dog into restaurants and shit. And, like, kids in Malibu, like, if you want to raise your kids there, Malibu High, apparently, I hear they have a few behavioral problems there with some of the substances.

Well, you should homeschool your kids, Joe. You should bring them to the podcast and they'll learn every day. Just start off maybe at 8 or 7 and just bring them to the podcast every day. They'll be smarter than anybody in the world. Well, what's a better idea is show them some OxyContin documentaries very early in life. Show them the OxyContin Express. Say, look, this is some shit you want to avoid.

And you're not even going to believe it's possible until you see someone smoking it in front of you. You're not going to believe. There's no one stupid enough to smoke OxyContin at a party. Oh, yes, there is. And you're probably going to run into them. I ran into people doing coke at parties. I ran into, of course, run into people smoking pot. I've ran into people eating mushrooms. I ran into people dropping acid at parties. I ran into basically almost

anything except meth at parties. I probably ran into people on meth. I just didn't know they were on meth. Absolutely. Absolutely. But that's the key. You got to let them know, like bring them around people that are fucked up. Let them know like this is real. Like, and you got to listen to me because this really can take over your life. This really can grab ahold of you and drag you right into a chemical hell that you can't get out of. There's some shit that you can do that you can't undo. You for the fucking cigarettes, man. You bum me out, dude. I would hate to see you die like that because it's going to happen if you keep going. It's going to be, there's a moment, whether it's 10 years from now or 20 years from now, and you're one of these

put it off guys like, Oh, I'll quit before that. I'll quit before that. But you're taking like giant chunks off the end of your life. You're taking giant chunks off your health, giant chunks off your ability for your lungs to function correctly. And it's just because you're stuck. You're in this chemical web that you just can't get out of. Yeah. It's pretty amazing.

It's pretty amazing with those electronic cigarettes, though, man. So many people are fucking smoking those things. I told you, Joey Diaz. Listen, though. The worst, though, is those... These ain't shit. fucking smoking those things. I told you, Joey Diaz. Listen, though. The worst, though, is those... These ain't shit. These ain't shit.

I don't even want a regular cigarette. Dog, this is just vapor. Is it... What is the deal, though? We've been disputed about that. We said that tobacco companies own those things. Yeah, so... But apparently...

It is true. Maybe, but most tobacco companies are apparently trying to lobby against them because they're hurting cigarette sales. Yeah, but would I say the second largest one owns Blue or whatever it was? Could be. So it's. The other one's like, get the fuck out of here with that.

Yeah, it's probably an old guy that owns like a company versus a new, you know, somebody that died from lung cancer and the sun just got the company. It's like, no, we're investing in these robot cigarettes with the lights. Well, apparently the cost-effectiveness is an issue as well. Those things, they last for a long time. Like a blue, one of those cigarettes. Oh, they're rechargeable. Yeah, they're rechargeable, and the amount of cigarette in them is good for a long...

It's like two packs of cigarettes, usually. Is that what it is? Some of these. in them is good for a long... It's like two packs of cigarettes usually. Is that what it is? Some of these. And now you get those humongous hookah ones where it's pretty much like a two liter of that juice.

Yeah. And you just see these people sucking on it all day, just smoke just nonstop coming out of their mouth. Bobby Lee. Yeah, Bobby Lee, PJ. I don't know if you remember PJ. Bobby Lee has one that's as big as a thermos. Yeah, that's what PJ has. It's insane.

And he just sucks on that thing all the time. He's got stickers all over it. Bobby has stickers all over that thing. It's the new candy cigarette, man. The kids want them because they look cool because of the lights. Fucking, it's just another way to get people addicted to fucking cigarettes or putting things in their mouth.

Yeah, well, it's also just a nicotine distribution device. When Marin was in here, we saw him eating that gum. He eats that gum all day long, that Nicorette. Right. I guess that's okay, though. They say that the Nicorette gum actually is good if you're writing. If you try that Nicorette gum, it's actually stimulating

for, like, your synapses and shit. It's disgusting. Is it? Yeah, and it tastes like you're eating chemicals. Marin ain't got no problem with it. He loves that shit. Chew, chew, chew. Yeah, but he eats it like Big League Chew style.

You're only supposed to have like one. Yeah, he's got them all in his mouth all day. He goes, he's chain chewing. Yeah. Can you chain chew? Of course you can. How bad is that shit for you? Do they know?

It's not that bad for you. It's just, you know, you're not supposed to eat it every day. You're supposed to actually quit smoking. They say nicotine, though, is actually like a supplement. Nicotine itself, not only is it not bad for you, it's the distribution device that fucks you up.

The burning it and chemicals, and those chemicals designed to enhance the addictive qualities of the tobacco. But they say that if you can get your nicotine in a liquid form, it actually has positive health benefits. Yeah, it's relaxing. They say that's not true.

I believe you, but it doesn't make me relax. The only nicotine I ever get is in the form of cigars, and it makes my fucking heart rush. Well, that's, you're taking in so much nicotine. Yeah. Because it's like a cigarette times a million.

You get high as fuck. Yeah, and you still get it. And right when it hits your cheeks, you're getting that smoke in your mouth. People don't, you know, they don't want to admit that you're getting high when you're smoking a cigar. It's the reason why men like smoking cigars.

It's not just to be stinky and to keep women away. It's not like bug spray for women. No. It gets you high. It gets you high. You're crazy, too. It's like you're doing bong hits of cigarettes, pretty much, is what you're doing. What do you think about girls that smoke cigars?

Is that an odd thing? Fuck, it's sexy as fuck. Look at you. You're getting all excited. Dangerous cows. Little untied tie, like she was about to take it off. Oh, wow. Smoking a cigar.

She takes your hat and puts it on. Does she have glasses on? Fuck yeah, she has glasses. She should, right? Yeah, she should have glasses for sure. Yeah. She has glasses but no underwear. She's a bad girl.

Very bad girl. She's a bad girl. Does she have garter belts on? You know, she has one that she's about to pull off, but yeah. Okay, now you just got gay. Yeah, she has one she's about to pull off. Women have all sorts of little things that they get to wear to enhance, like shoes that make their legs longer and fishnets.

Men are pretty much resigned to clothes. But women have clothes that will offer real sexual suggestion. You know, like those... First of all, women are allowed to wear sleeveless shirts pretty much everywhere. We're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no worries. You don't have to have sleeves. Take your sleeves off.

But if a man goes around with no sleeves but if a man goes around with no sleeves if a man goes around with no sleeves that guy's a douche bag you know if a man walks around in a tank top he's a meathead

and a douche bag but women every day go sleeveless like you go to a normal office and women are sleeveless on a regular basis

I fucking hate those wife beater tank top things. Like, Jamban here. Jamban wears it all the time and it's like, oh, thanks. Now I can see a puff of armpit hair. That's what you have a problem with? Man hair? I don't need to see your little baby bushes. Yeah, you're just not manly

enough to handle it. You're not manly enough for a tank top. But it implies a douchiness that's unavoidable at this point in our society. When you wear tank tops, you look douchey, even if you're trying not to. It sucks, but it's unavoidable.

You know? It's like you're trying a little too hard. Just a wee bit too hard, lad. But women? Shit. They can wear tank tops everywhere. This is a story about

this very, very, very large crocodile that trapped a tourist for two weeks. Yeah, I read about that. He said it was something like 18 feet long. And every time he went out into the water, it would pop up and start heading towards him. And he was like, fuck that. 20 feet long.

And he'd head back to shore. 20? Yep. They just killed two of the biggest alligators they've ever killed in Mississippi. They broke the world record, the Mississippi, rather, record twice in a day. They cut two of them that were over 700 pounds. Jesus.

You got to see the pictures of them. Holy fucking shit. They're giant. You know, the picture has the caption dinosaur also dinosaurs are real you know let you know like these are real animals these are gigantic lizards put that picture up

oh shit man 27 minutes ago there was a 6.5 earthquake in Japan oh Christ are you kidding me no 6.5 dude where in Japan is Zoo Islands east

it's so scary if Fukushima gets hit again they're fucked and we're fucked too California's fucked this idea of putting together a fucking nuclear reactor right by the ocean and not having a way to shut it off if the waves come over the top

of where you anticipated it? What a shit idea. It's amazing that anybody ever let them do this. Right, Coco. And there's so many of these fucking things that are all over our coast as well. And I'm like, well, these are better. These are made better.

These are fail-proof safes, and make sure that this is not going to be a thing of concern. What we have done is establish a series of protocols in case of an emergency where we have to shut down the rear. Bitch, if the shit hits the fan, the shit hits the fan. Okay. If a fucking asteroid slams in the middle of the ocean and a giant thousand foot wave comes over and knocks that motherfucker down or rips all the fucking ground out underneath it. Fucks up all the electrical system that's connecting all your cooling bullshit. And just you have an unapproachable area. Now you have a fucking gigantic nuclear reactor that's melting down into the earth itself, leaking in the ocean.

That's what they have in Japan. Fucking things leaking like billions of gallons of toxic water into the ocean. They're showing an increase in the level of radiation that are in fish. It's just started. That stuff is good for hundreds of thousands of years. This is such a terrifying environmental disaster. And it's just happening. And no one even knows what the fuck to do about it. And I think if the government really wants to act on Syria to protect us, why the fuck aren't they over there doing everything they can to stop this nuclear reactor from leaking into the ocean? Why don't we put all our resources in that? Yeah, all of them.

All of them. Like, literally everything. Try to figure out all of our budget, everything. You've got to save the planet. Right now you've got something that's leaking toxic waste into the planet. People say I'm exaggerating. And not from what I looked at. From what I looked at online and actual tests,

they've shown an increase, a measurable increase in the radioactive qualities of fish. And they've showed that this toxic waste that's leaking is a significant disaster. And it's not stopping. I was talking to a member of my friend Coco in Tokyo. And I was talking to her the other day. I've been sending her news things, news reports of all the recent shit they're finding out. And it was new to her. She was like, and half the shit, it was blocked.

She couldn't even look at these news stories from Tokyo. She's like, what is it? So I would send her screenshots. And she was like, oh, well. They weren't getting this news? She acted like they were not getting the news. She had no idea about any of this. And then she was, you know, it was so weird hearing her, you know, like,

the old people built this country and we have to respect them and help them, you know, and stuff like how. And then finally I just kept on sending more and more. And she's like, yeah, that sucks. What am I supposed to do? And I feel kind of bad because she's in there. You know, she's eating the fish every day. She's breathing that.

She's getting what we're going to get next year. And we're acting like this isn't a big asteroid that's flying towards Earth that's about to hit. We're just like, oh, this sucks. Look at these cute maps. But we should be throwing space shuttles in the ocean or whatever we can do to figure out that quick. Yeah, I don't know how they're going to figure it out. Well, we have to move next year. Yeah.

One of the things they're talking about is building this gigantic $400 million ice wall. Have you seen that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pull that up. Building ice wall in Fukushima. It seems like a Hail Mary, man. I don't know if it really works that way. What if, though, what if, I mean, but isn't, like, Hawaii going to get this in six months?

Oh, yeah, they've already got it. Oh, they already got it? Yeah, they've already got it. Oh, they already got it? Yeah, they've already got it. Hawaii, without a doubt, has gotten some of the radiation. No doubt. If you look at the plume of radioactive waste that's coming off of it. Japan has spent over $300 million on ice wall to isolate Fukushima water leaks. I've seen it here.

It says on the BBC, it says $470 million. It said Japan has pledged $ 470 million for this ice wall. Who gives a fuck how much it is? It's a crazy idea. It sounds like science fiction. A massive underground wall of ice so cold, so strong, it stops hundreds of tons of radioactive water seeping out of Fukushima power plant tanks and into the Pacific? This is no movie.

It is a $320 million emergency plan announced today by the Japanese government. Here's how it would work. An above-ground refrigerator chills a coolant to minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit. That icy liquid gets pumped into steel pipes dug below the crippled plant. Just like a kitchen freezer, everything around those pipes also freezes. A giant wall of ice forms, stretching nearly a mile long and nearly 10 stories below ground,

about the height of the Lincoln Memorial. Some scientists say this may just be a short-term fix, but something has to be done soon before there's even greater damage to the environment and Japan's economy. It might not be as much radioactivity as Chernobyl, but for the ocean it's unprecedented as an accidental source. We've never seen this much radiation coming out of a reactor site directly into the ocean. But there has been nothing like the size and scope of the wall to come for Fukushima, where radiation levels are a staggering 18 times higher than previously thought,

enough to kill a person after just four hours of exposure. So what does this mean for the fish that makes its way to U.S. waters from Japan? That's fucked up. Well, listen to that. ...have not found any unsafe levels of radiation. But with these continued leaks, scientists say we'll come an increasingly sharper look at the fish we eat and the waters they swim in. Cecilia Vega, ABC News, Los Angeles.

Wow. Fuck. I mean... So, Colorado or Texas? Colorado. Well, no. Texas. No.

Texas. Yes. 100% Texas. Austin, Texas. Colorado's high. Austin. Yeah, but Texas has got the most protection of any state. Gun-wise?

Yeah. That's not what you need to worry about. It's like being in a base compared to. I don't know, man. I feel like there's a lot of secrets in Denver, like underground missiles and stuff like that. And I think that's going to be a target.

Oh, you silly bitch. You don't think so? No. No, I don't think so. I don't think anybody's targeting Denver. I think that's just wacko conspiracy theory. I think they just built a really sophisticated airport with a lot of tunnels in it. I'm done with snow. I can't do it. So maybe Austin in winter. I think I could do the winter in it. I'm done with snow. I can't do it. So maybe Austin in winter.

I think I could do the winter in Boulder. I really do. Or Evergreen or any of those mountain towns. I think I could do it. I think you just got to change how you look at life. I think the winter just becomes a different thing. Austin food versus

Denver food. Austin women versus Denver women. That's for you. Real estate versus Denver Food. Austin Women versus Denver Women. That's for you. Real Estate versus Denver Real Estate. No, Real Estate's pretty commensurate. Anytime I can use the word commensurate, I do. I think it's pretty similar. I mean, they're both desirable places to live.

We need to get as close to Alex Jones as possible, too. That's important. Maybe we could have a show on the Alex Jones Network. We could move to Austin. We don't need to get our own studio. We just take over at night. That'd be awesome. He would totally let us do it, I'm sure.

Yeah, people think that I don't like him because I goof on him. But I just goof on him because I can do his voice. He's our buddy. We love that guy. I actually legitimately hang around with Alex Jones. Like, legitimately. I'm not bullshitting. I'm not trolling.

He's a great guy. He's a fun guy to party with. He's hilarious. He says a lot of funny shit. And he's exposed me to a lot of stuff. That's the old school green room, man. They fucked up when they taped over that and painted it.

They repainted the whole thing. I don't know why they did that. ...own and push the private prisons. So the drug dealers own the prisons. You've seen this, right? The criminals go rob houses to get the money for the drugs. Is Alex Jones freaking you out?

Does he have the documents but black helicopters, chemtrails, and Tower 7 went down? Then you need Alex Jones. Sparka. Alex Jones. Sparka. Party to come.

Alex Jones. Look at the bad-ass thing. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Come on. Don't try it again. I want to live right next to Alex Jones. I want to hang out with Alex Jones every single day.

Well, we could do that if we relocated to Texas. I'd have to convince Mrs. Rogan. The only problem with Texas is Austin is badass, Houston is badass, Dallas is badass. But damn, there's some spooky spots in the middle. There's some spooky drive-through areas. Yeah, but there's spooky places. You get out and just take a right and go straight. And then get out and start talking to people.

And you're in a goddamn Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie. Same shit here, though. You go up, you're in Compton. You go up, you're in the fucking farm in the middle of California where there's fucking incest. That's a good point. It is a good point. Especially about the middle of the California spots. That's scary. Driving up to San Francisco, those farms

with the Republican sayings on the signs to see drivers. We're going to educate these people right here. Fucking put up a sign. Yeah. Do you really want Obama as your president? Do you really think he was born in the United States? Like, there's a whole series of them.

When Mitt Romney was running for president, they were hilarious. They were so stupid. It might as well be Kentucky. Nothing wrong with Kentucky if you live there and love it. I love Kentucky. Let's be honest. Kentucky's nice, man.

A lot of people are nice. Tennessee's nice. Louis Kentucky's nice, man. A lot of people are nice. Tennessee's nice. Louisville's nice. West Virginia, I'm okay with that. The Louisville Improv was fucking badass. That was a great place to work at. It was really fun. Loved that place.

But look, the reality is the world's changing. And all those places that sucked 20, 30 years ago, they suck less now if people have internet. They just do. People are getting things. High school kids are getting it more than they've ever been. They'll be exposed to more ideas

than they've ever been before. It sucks less to live somewhere that sucks now than at any other time in human history. That said, Texas is still illegal weed. Gestapo-like police tactics. Has there been any updates with the weed? They arrested Willie Nelson, and they arrested, what's her name, the fucking shadow dancer.

What the hell is her name? Oh. Fiona Apple. God, I love Fiona. Ooh, she's so hot. I gave her my seat on a plane once. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It was her. She wanted to sit next to her sister. And she asked this lady to do it, and the lady wouldn't move. She goes, no, this is my seat on a plane once. Yeah. It was her. She wanted to sit next to her sister. And she asked this lady to do it and the lady wouldn't move. She goes, no, this is my seat. It's like, whoa, snap. And I was right behind. So I swapped.

Was it after you first did right here? You can sit on my lap. Oh, how dare you. I cleared off a place on my face for her to sit. You're going to be in Texas soon. Or did you already do that? No, yeah. I'm going to be in Houston. Lucky son for a sec. You're going to be in Texas soon, or did you already do that? No, yeah, I'm going to be in Houston. Lucky son of a bitch.

That's October 18th. Ye fucking ha. Just one night, though? Yeah, just one night. It's the night before the UFC. There's a UFC in Houston. You haven't done the Austin? Nope.

Do the comedy club. Maybe. That'd be awesome. Well, the problem is I do the theater, like Austin City Live. That's like 2,000 scenes. Yeah, but you know

it's more fun hanging out at comedy clubs. Yeah, but it's harder for me to do that with kids. It's harder for me to get away for full weekends. He bums you out, man, when a three-year-old

tells you they miss you. Like, oof, that's hard, man. Duct tape, man. Nothing changes it more. That's a joke. It was a bad one. Nothing changes it more than little babies. Yeah, but with the adventures of iPads and stuff.

It's not the same, dude. It's not the same. They miss you. They want to hug you. It becomes a real bummer. I just got to optimize my time. I like doing some comedy club weekends, but

it's all about... If it's a UFC weekend, the easiest thing about it is I get to do both. I can do comedy one night and then I do the UFC the next night. If I'm going to do Cab City, I would do Friday, Saturday, Sunday, or Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

It's a lot of days. So fun. Get the same amount of people in there. Yeah, there's a lot of benefits to it. The big benefit is that your act becomes bulletproof after, like, five shows. You know, because you do a lot of shows. Like, that's the best way to tighten up for a comedy special, do a lot of, like, two, 300-seat clubs.

Like, everything just gets so tight. It gets so, like, you just know the timing it just gets razor sharp yeah by the way a tip i think i don't know if you agree with me is that you're always looking at a weekend of like you know a comic always go for the sunday one show sunday it's usually like an eight o'clock show because not only is there usually a longer show because there's not a second show after it, but it's also the most perfected show, I think. You know, like you're saying, you're there Friday, Saturday. Oh, you mean if you're going to see a show? Yeah, yeah.

With the stage, you're comfortable with the stage and stuff. Sometimes the energy's different, though. Sometimes the energy of people on a Sunday night, they're a little bit more laid back, whereas they're, like, hyped up on Friday and Saturday. True. Part of going to a comedy club is also people around you laughing hard. That's a weird thing about comedy is it's very contagious. But that's the thing about having a giant crowd as opposed to having a small crowd.

When a crowd is literally 10 times larger than the average crowd, like a 3,000 seater, you have to be like, first of all, you have to be really on top of the timing of the thing so they have to really understand like you have to know when to when to talk and when to let them laugh because they might not be able to hear you as clearly because there's so many people and then you also got to realize that like the contagious element of it is not as strong the contagious element of like a comedy club is incredibly infectious like you're all on top of each other it's a low ceiling and the laughter is ringing out. It's like, ah! It literally takes over your body.

It's like a better experience. But you can't get as many people into a place. Yeah. But some people, their style is better suited for a big crowd. Some people have a different style. They have like a bigger, broader style. And that style does not do well in an intimate environment. That's interesting, too.

I just think it feels better. When you're on a big stage, it's amazing how many people are there, but you're kind of yelling out into this empty blackness, where if you're at a comedy club, you feel like you can see faces. It's just a whole feeling of, you know, you can feel everybody smile almost at you or frown. Yeah. You know what I mean? Totally. But you can all, like a place like the Ice House, you can basically see everybody's face.

The entire club. Everybody who's there, you can see their face. You know, when you're at a place like the place I just did in Milwaukee, the Pabst Theater, you can't see shit. Yeah, you're just like, ah. Yeah, this is the video of me going on stage. You can't see shit. You have a giant spotlight in your face.

There's three rows, three levels, a mid-level and an upper level. You can't see shit. You see a little bit. It's not the same intimate thing. But we're so lucky. The crowds come to see us are so fucking nice that I've seen some of those big shows for other people go off the rails if they have rude audience members. Dave Chappelle.

Yeah, I saw that, man. That went completely off the rails. I don't know what happened. I wasn't there to see the actual off the rail. I just saw the videos. The videos seemed to pick it up, like, sort of halfway into being off the rails. Brody's been opening up for him. Every show, he's been on the right of you.

That's probably the problem. He's hanging out with Brody. He's going crazy. There's a thing called, what is it called? Allophronia? Yeah, I think it's called allophronia. And the idea is that if you have schizophrenia and I hang around with you, I start developing, like, weird symptoms symptoms and they bring me in for treatment.

They bring me in for examination because they think that I developed schizophrenia from hanging out with a schizophrenic. It's really possible. Really? Yes. Yeah. It's a real disease. Here, I'll Google it. Wow. You know, I was reading some shit the other day because people

were saying that I am starting to look like you. And there was like, I forget where it was, but like this thread that was like 20 pages long. And there was breaking it down to like, no, there's actually this thing where you hang out with people enough. You start not realizing you're mimicking like muscles in your face to kind of copy them kind of like that. And the more you do it, the more your actual face structure changes into, uh, looking more and more like the person. That's why like married couples start, you know, when they get older, they start kind of looking alike and stuff like that. And it was interesting. I don't know if it's real or not, but it's interesting. I would like to figure that out more. Yeah, that is interesting. I know that women, when they're around each other for a long time,

they will change certain things, like their periods get in sync, which is really freaky. It's allophrania. Do you guys have the same period? What periods, yeah. This says less than normal mental development, so I'm looking at the wrong thing. It's oligophrania.

Allophrania. Let's see here. I can't find it. Allophrania except, okay. Hmm. I can't find it. And if I keep looking like this, it's just going to eat up a lot of time. And people are going to be like,

you know what, dude? I don't like listening to podcasts where people just fucking eat up time looking for the definition of allophrania. Allophrania. I don't know if that fucking wall of ice is going to work out, but I'm worried about that.

And I'm worried about moving somewhere. And I'm not joking. Because I think that if the shit does hit the fan, everyone's going to be looking at it like sort of last minute going holy shit where do we go but if this fails and it becomes like a real issue like the water's being toxic and thyroid cancer and all sorts of things that go along with radioactive poisoning and we have that issue how long would it take to evacuate the west coast I I mean, Jesus.

You know how fucking crazy that would be if they have to evacuate the West Coast? Yeah. I mean, well, it would start with Japan first, I would hope. But the thing is, is that, is this something that people thought in the 60s? You know, is this something that everyone's panicking, we're reading news reports that are, you know, like we have Neil deGrasse Tyson, and he's like, everything's fine. No, I don't think he would say everything's fine. I mean, these are mainstream news reports.

This is the BBC. Yeah. This is talking about this Fukushima ice wall. I mean, this is not, I think it's pretty much across the board, uniformly agreed that this is a real issue. Obviously, it's a real issue. They said you could die in four hours if you're there.

It just seems weird that the planet isn't capable of just taking that out. It is. The planet, the problem is that people live on the planet. Yeah, it'll poison the environment for a few hundred thousand years, but what we don't understand is for a few hundred thousand years

for the planet, it ain't shit. It doesn't matter. The planet doesn't care. The dinosaurs were 65 million years ago. The planet's still here and fine. Long after the dinosaurs are dead. Yeah, it's got a new thing running things, and the new thing is fucking things up by digging holes

and pulling out oil and putting up these plants that split atoms, and sometimes they go bad and poison the entire ocean. But 200 years to the ocean ain't shit. It's just to us that sucks. It's to us.

We could poison every person on this planet, and the Earth would eventually right itself, and some new life form would emerge. And that would happen. And it may happen. It may happen just how the dinosaurs did it. It may be a pandemic virus. It may be a virus from space. That's also a possibility. It may be something that someone brings back from space. It may be something that came in an asteroid, like that movie, The Thing.

You know, that's possible. It's not probable, but it's possible. It's also possible an asteroid can hit and just annihilate the planet, just like has happened many times in the past. 65 million years ago, 12,500 years ago, 200 million years before that. There's been a gang of those. They've happened more than once. Giant fucking rocks come in and boom! That could easily fuck the whole party up. So that could easily make it so it doesn't matter if you clean up the ocean. It doesn't matter.

If there's a big rock coming, just open your window, stick your ass out, and take a shit. Okay? Because you've got two weeks left, and this giant rock is going to hit everything. It doesn't matter if there's a gigantic pyramid of shit out your bedroom window. It really doesn't matter. You're going to die. Everything's going to be rewritten. The entire process is going to start anew.

That'd be awesome if they have to really take everyone out of Japan. And so like... Why would that be awesome? The United States offers, like, hey, we'll take all the women. Out of nowhere. It's just like the craziest Asian population. That'd be cool.

I think if Japan needs to be evacuated, we have to evacuate California too, dude. Oh, yeah. I think it's probably going to be a New York straight of mind type of thing. I think Denver's not far enough away from the ocean. I don't know if anything's far off away. I don't know if Texas is far enough away. It's a different kind of ocean though, right? For the most part.

No. It's pretty tucked in and blocked by the whole whatever. Yeah, I mean, it's a different sea that's affecting you, but that one's all fucked up, too. That one's all fucked up from the BP oil spill. But it's warmer. Dude. Yeah, it's warmer, and it's also connected to Mexico. There's people sneaking across every day.

Try living right outside of Juarez. Good luck with that. You might as well be living next to the most dangerous spot in the world. Oh, guess what? You are. You are living right next door to the most dangerous spot in the world. Juarez is super dangerous, and it's just a wall. Just a wall over there across

the river, the Rio Grande. That's why you're protected in Austin. You're not protected. That's just a few hours drive. Everyone's fucking got guns and shit. Yeah, some people have guns, but you don't. So what difference does it make? You're going to go over to someone's house. Hey, man, let me use your gun.

They're going to shoot you. No, I'll be dating a girl that has a gun. Oh, there you go. You're going to be taken care of by a woman. You're just the opposite of the Huffington Post story. You get underneath the bed, Brian. I'm going to take care of these jiggers for you. Oh, dude.

What is a jigger? What is a jigger? What are you talking about? I don't know. It seems like it's like a racial slur. Jiggers. Doesn't it sound

like an old thing? No. You are retarded, dude. You're going too far. No, that wasn't supposed to be racist. It is, though. It seems like a twang word

is what it's saying. No, it doesn't. It seems like you're saying nigger with a J. That's what it seems like, dummy. How dare you. It's probably, well, it's a term for fishing. You jig for fish. So, like, if this does really become a problem, would you ever move to New York?

Fuck no. That might be the spot to move to. Fuck New York. Quite realistically, though. That might be the spot to move to. Fuck New York. Quite realistically, though. That might be the spot to move to. Yeah, hell, I'd rather go to Canada.

I will be up in Canada. See you later. Canada's not a bad idea. But the problem with Canada is the west coast of Canada is where it's warm. So you'd want to live there. And that is right by the ocean.

So that's just as bad as living in Alaska, just as bad as living in Washington. The ocean's bad. The idea is that if all this really plays out and people start getting cancer, start getting really sick,

it's everything by the ocean. You gotta get the fuck away from the ocean. You know that's a real possibility? I mean, we're talking like it's nonsense. This is almost like a story. No, we have to do this soon. Like a year, Joe. This is when it's supposed to hit LA.

We pretty much have a slow-moving asteroid coming to us, and we have to figure out if we want to just enjoy the asteroids and have shitty babies. No, we're going to fix it. We're going to fix it all. It's amazing that Malibu could be a poison ocean within a decade. If this motherfucker keeps leaking and the plume keeps just going across the ocean and heading towards Malibu, people are saying it could be a mass extinction event.

Right now, there's people going, what you're doing is fear-mongering. You don't know enough to be— Youongering. You don't know enough to be... You're right. I don't know enough. But the scary, scary story that I read online is it could be a mass extinction event. Worst case scenario. Let's Google worst case scenario for Fukushima. I think it would be more like a slow-moving extinction, meaning you have to get out of Japan or you're going to die.

There's going to be all these respect, respect like this is our country I'm going to stay here and then they're gonna slowly die from health problems but and they're okay this is what I said I said what is the worst case scenario right so I go to Telegraph is that a legitimate site in the UK I think it's actually I don't think I don't know it seems like i want to say it's like an inquire okay well all these websites are saying the worst case scenario has already happened scientific american okay that's a legit website right rt some say rt news nationalgeographic.com, okay?

Nationalgeographic is saying that it's, oh, it's actually saying it's far from the worst case scenario for a nuclear plant. Wait a second, we haven't even, like, it's probably worse now with this earthquake. Yeah, oh, no doubt about it. We might only have, like, a week, Joe. Like, people outside are probably running. Yeah, they're running across the ocean right now because the ocean's hard. The rating sounds ominous to be sure, but its real meaning and the significance of the Japanese official decision to make a more dire assessment of the crisis are, like many other

ramifications of the ongoing crisis of Fukushima, frustratingly unclear. In some respects, it's not that big of an issue. What they call it, explained David Lockbaum, a veteran nuclear engineer who works as a safety advocate for the Union of Concerned Scientists. He says, it's still the same mess. Why the rating now? Workers for the Tokyo Power Company, which operates the plant, discovered on the 19th of August that 300 tons, 72,000 gallons of highly radioactive water apparently had escaped from a holding tank into the ground over the previous month. The water had been used to cool one of Fukushima's damaged reactors and in the wake of the 2011 earthquake and tsunami that caused one of the worst nuclear accidents in history.

a 2011 earthquake and tsunami that caused one of the worst nuclear accidents in history. Scientists taken from containment areas showed it to be so heavily contaminated with strontium-90 and calcium-137 and radioactive substances that a person standing less than two feet away would receive in an hour's time a radiation dose equivalent to five times the acceptable exposure for nuclear workers. Within 10 hours, an exposed person would develop radiation sickness with symptoms such as nausea and a drop in white blood cells. But that other thing said that this might be less recent because the other thing said that four hours, the thing that we looked at,

said in four hours you could die. Right. hours. The thing that we looked at said in four hours you could die. Right. So it was saying that it must be several times stronger than the previous assessment, which this must be based on, which is like, that's really dire. Like we have to recognize that this is something that we really need to consider because it seems like a plot in a movie. It seems like something that's playing out on TV, just like Syria, just like Egypt. It seems like something that's playing out on TV. Just like Syria. Just like Egypt. It seems like something that's on TV.

Fuck, man. So, my vote, Texas. Even though they have, I think, three or four nuclear plants in Texas. Yeah, but there's a lot of dummies in Texas, too, man. There's a lot of really cool people, too, though. The reality of Austin is an island of awesome people. They have great food. Houston's awesome.

It's humid. I love Houston. Houston has some good spots. I think what's really cool about Austin is that it has a great art scene. It's got a great music scene. A lot of funny comics have come out of Austin. It's got a couple great comedy clubs, small club comics Have come out of Austin It's got a couple Great comedy clubs

Small club What is it The Velveeta Room That's their small place Yeah They have a bunch Of little satellite gigs That you could do

If you live in town You know You could actually work In Austin You can get some work done As a comic So you would not You're never going to go back

To Japan Obviously Nope Nope Nope Nope That's it Is never going to go back to Japan, obviously. Nope. Nope. That's it. Is UFC going to ever go back there? I don't know. I hope if they do, everybody's safe.

But it seems to me that that is a risk that's unnecessary at this point. I feel like they have to do something about that. Because what if you were there and then the earthquake hit? So say if you land, and as you're landing, you're watching the runway ripple.

Hide inside of it. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. So you skid to a stop. You get out, and you're involved in the biggest earthquake in recorded history. And then Fukushima spouts like a volcano into the sky. Now all the reactors are not only blown, it creates some new reactor of its own deep all the reactors are not only blown,

it creates some new reactor of its own deep in the bowels of the earth, and it mixes with lava. Now I'm in, my son, I'm just making shit up. It doesn't work like that, asshole. Yeah, imagine if like radio, or nuclear reactors rather,

if when they went bad, they exploded. They just shot fire into the sky, like a big zit. Instead of just leaking into the earth, fucking everything around them. We need to do this quick, though. Like, seriously.

We need to definitely consider it. We should consider it. When people talk about being preppers, that's not going to do you any good if this is a real issue. Can you imagine ifia had to get up and leave and what would be the next california like oklahoma is the new california no be a real problem for resources man a real poverty problem for a long fucking time because there's a lot of

people that are not equipped to just pack up and move their stuff there's a lot of people you know they need the job they have here they don't have a savings they don't have food and job they have here. They don't have a savings. They don't have food. And if they have to move to a new place, they don't have rent money. There's not enough apartments or houses for people. You couldn't just take everyone on the West Coast. The West Coast is probably California, like Los Angeles, San Francisco. Just those two alone have to have 30 million people, right? If you had to guess. Okay, let's see.

Population of California. Population. I don't know what this is from, but somebody posted this on the forums. U.S. Navy map of future America. Blue shows where the coastlines would be. Did you see this? What is that? Supposedly it's a U.S. Navy map of future America.

Says who? U.S. Navy. Please. It says who, though? Click on, does it have a source? No. Google U.S. Navy map of, that's like an old Bill Hex joke

about Arizona Bay. One of his albums was titled that. Okay, the population is, wow, ready for this? 2012, 38,041,430. Fuck. That's a lot of people. Where are they going to go? That's like a whole country full of people.

38 million folks. And they'd all have to get out. And on top of that, you'd have to get rid of all the top of that, you'd have to get rid of all the people in Oregon. You'd have to get rid of all the people in Washington State. You'd have to get rid of all the people in Alaska because they're going to take it. It's all going to go up by them first. Everybody's fucked. Boy, we spreaders of doom and gloom with zero science. I apologize, folks. I don't know if I'm right or wrong, but I know that it scares the shit out of me.

I don't even know if it should scare the shit out of me. A lot of people are saying that map's fake, so... Of course that map's fake. God damn it. What the fuck does the Navy know that geologists don't? It says Navy. It's gotta be right. Our boys wouldn't lie to us

when they're out there butt-fucking on a submergible boat. They wouldn't lie to us about the future contours of the United States. Jesus, Captain. Did you really do that? Your instincts were so bad. So have you been looking at any of the leaks of what Apple's about to announce on September 10th? No. What, is there going to be another phone?

Whoa. Like a blueprint, thumbprint scan? Yeah, but it's no bigger. Huh September 10th? No. What, is it going to be another phone? Whoa. Like a blueprint, thumbprint scale thing. Yeah, but it's no bigger. Huh? It's not bigger. Yeah. They fucked up. They fucked up, okay? They went a bigger step.

Samsung got them by the dick. They got them by the dick with that giant-ass phone. That dies in like three seconds. Doesn't die in three seconds. The battery life is good. The battery life for that Galaxy S4 is supposed to be very good. It doesn't die in three seconds. The battery life is good.

The battery life for that Galaxy S4 is supposed to be very good. The number one problem with the Galaxy S4 seems to be people are upset with provider software. The shit that you get when you get it, like if you get it from AT&T or whoever, they add a bunch of stupid shit. Easy for who? Maybe easy for you. Dummies like me don't want to do that. They just want to pick up a phone and go with it.

That's why the iPhone is perfect. But they're fucking up with these little flimsy-ass screens. I see people with that Galaxy S4, and I get all drooly. You should see the Note. Note 3, son. Bigger. Is that out yet?

I think it comes out real soon. Let's see. Galaxy Note 3. Yeah, the girl I've been hanging out with lately has a Note, and I'm always so jealous of it because of the camera. Sure it's not an Etch-A-Sketch? Sure she's not 3? The camera's the best on the note, too. I don't know if you've ever seen the camera.

It's great. Yeah, it's amazing. Okay, so it says U.S. release date breakdown. It says the launch date arrives tomorrow, and that was today. So tomorrow. And they'll know quite a bit about the new one. But they're saying that it's going to be 5.68 inches. Jesus Christ.

Oh, ready for this? It can record in that. Oh, 4K? Yes. The new Note? Yes. Oh, snap. Let's get some...

Yeah, we have the new 4K TV here that's been just playing puppies and Asians in 4K. Yeah, let me pull this up and make sure that that's correct, but I'm pretty sure it is. If that's true, I'm buying one today. I'm pretty sure it records in very high-definition video. Some signals... Let me see what it says here.

There's always a pre-order. Do-do-do-do-do. Just ping it. Okay, let me see. Galaxy Note 3 video. Oh my god, they have... Is Ting still a sponsor here? No. Sometimes. We can still say it. They have the Galaxy S4 purple. I didn't know they made a purple phone.

What does it mean? It's a purple phone. It's just purple? That's it? Look how sexy that Galaxy Note S3 is. What do you print? I like purple, man. I'm into pink and purple right now. Good for you, sexy. You don't like pink or purple? There's nothing wrong with it.

I said you were sexy. Isn't that one of the greatest things you could say about a person? Do you ever wear a pink shirt? Yeah, sure, I would. I'm manly as fuck, son. I'd wear a fanny pack. You think I'd be afraid of pink? I don't know.

Okay, let's see where the video HD. Let's see what it says here. Full HD screen. Ultra HD 4K. 4K video. Yeah. That's incredible. On a phone.

We can make videos for this TV. Yeah. That's badass. 4K on your phone. And there's videos of it where it's been leaked, the size of this thing. It's a tablet. It's a this thing. It's a tablet. It's a fucking tablet. The thing's giant. Is it on like Verizon or anything?

It's gonna be. It's gonna be on everybody apparently. No, I wonder if it's on right now. It comes out today you said? No, it comes out tomorrow. Oh, tonight at midnight. You gonna be out there like a dork with a camp camp set up? Unless Ting adds it. I'm not gonna. I'm happy with my iPhone. Where's your fucking dog? Did you get rid of that thing yet? No, it's up. Unless Ting adds it. I'm happy with my iPhone. Where is your fucking dog?

Did you get rid of that thing yet? No, I packed it away. Did you give it away? No, it's at home. You don't talk about it anymore. It used to be your pride and joy. I love her. I love her.

I don't want to bring her here. She's a little distracting. She takes giant shits on the floor. No, she doesn't. Pisses on poor Jamie while he's trying to work. She pees on a mat, like the pee pad, which is also great if you're fucking a squirter or a grown-up. Oh, shut the fuck up. Disgusting bastards.

Saw Lenny at the pet store yesterday. The cutest dog. It was a... She has my dog? No, the cutest dog. That's my dog. It was an American bulldog puppy. Oh, so adorable.

It was so adorable. It was like 11 months old, and it was really small. It wasn't going to get much bigger. It was just the cutest, friendliest little white dog. So beautiful. It's a weird thing that puppies are so beautiful. We're so strange with animals. We have these animals that we sanction

and then other ones that we don't. And sometimes we sanction them like you're allowed to have a pet pig or some people have pet deer. Yeah, that girl I'm hanging out with, she has a pet pig and a pet deer. What? And two of those, three of those,

what are those cats, the big giant real cats? Does she live in an apartment in Hollywood? Is it pet deer and pet pig? No, she lives in the cats? Does she live in an apartment in Hollywood? Does she pet deer and pet pig? No, she lives in the desert. Does she really? She's a desert rat? She has a great place in the desert. Yeah, they have the best meth out there.

That's where you want to go if you want to be close to the meth. You don't want to be hiding in the city, because then you have to go and get distributed. You want to get it out there fresh from the source. That's where the meth farmers are. They're out there in between Bakersfield and San Francisco. Oh, man. Now you got me freaking out about this note.

I don't have it yet on Verizon. Well, it's going to come out. They're going to announce where it's going to be out tomorrow, but it does look pretty delicious. But Chris Ryan just got on Ting. So many people that we recommended Ting with came back and said that it's... I love my Ting.

They're so happy about it. They saved money. It's just the signal's great. People say that that Sprint signal is fucking good, man. It's good. I never had problems with my Ting phone. I have problems with the actual Galaxy S3 just always dying, but...

The battery life? Yeah. It seems like that just sucks it right out. 4 is quite a bit better, apparently. 4 is supposed to be a masterpiece. I have that HTC One that I got from my friend at Google. Yeah. It's in my bag here, and it's pretty slick.

The thing I like about the HTC One, first of all, is the way it looks. They built it like an iPhone, like it's a complete, solid, one-piece. Apparently Verizon has this too. That's the music one, right? Where it's got the speakers built into it. Yeah, it's the sweetest thing of all time when it comes to that. That's badass. It's also...

That speaker here. That one that you're hanging on to is made for AT&T. And AT&T could basically suck it. I've done you before. I don't trust you. Every time I drive around Hollywood with that thing, it fucking cuts out. It just does.

AT&T just cuts out everywhere. It doesn't matter if your signal is if you have a better antenna or a better cell phone. It's just not as good as Verizon, in my opinion. Well, this screen is nice and everything. I just can't get over the software. That's the clearest, the cleanest one. What you're holding onto right there is the Google version. That's the one that comes straight from Google Play. So that doesn't have any

bullshit on it. That's an unlocked phone. So that phone can go to any GSM provider. And what people who don't know about these phones, there's a GSM and CDMA. CDMA is Verizon and it's also Sprint. And GSM is essentially worldwide. There's very few countries that I've ever been to other than Canada that have a CDMA signal. Most of Europe is on GSM. CDMA signal. Most of Europe is on GSM. Like England, when you go to England, they're all on that. Japan is all on that. They're all on a different version of cell phone. But most of these new phones they're like the nice GSM phones

or the nice CDMA phones from Verizon or World phones. Like the iPhone's a World phone, so it has a GSM chip in it. So when you go to Japan or when you go to somewhere else that only has GSM, it still works. Yeah. I'm excited, though, about September for the announcements for Apple because they're supposedly... Because you're a dork.

No, but... Because you're an Apple dork. I know that they're making the cheaper iPhone this time, too. Also, supposedly, they're having a cheaper plastic version. They're also having a gold version, supposedly. Oh, shit. Yeah, bitches. Time to shine. The iPad

Mini, I wonder if they're going to try to make it like a Galaxy Note phone with the options to have a phone. It hasn't really been talked about much. They would be copying. I think that's one of the reasons why they haven't gone with a bigger screen. I think they're being stubborn, that they're the innovators.

This is, we found that this size is perfect. It's perfect for your hands. You know, you can use it with one hand very easily. And that is true. But I use the battery pack on it, which makes it larger anyway. With the battery pack, it's basically the same size as this,

but without the sexy screen. Yeah. Because the screen is undeni, but without the sexy screen. Yeah. Because the screen is undeniably sexy. You cannot fuck with that. You just can't. Look at that. Come on, son. That thing's giganti.

And look, Kampawi. Look, I can get on websites with Chrome. Suck it, son. Are you kidding me? Yeah, but why don't you just get a mini iPad then if you want the big screen? This is a phone as well. Yeah, but I mean you could- I can text on it. I can put it in my pocket. I can take pictures. I can watch movies on it. you want the big screen. This is a phone as well. Yeah, but I mean you could... I can text on it. I can put it in my pocket.

I can take pictures. I can watch movies on it. It's a better screen. Yeah, but why don't you just for a phone... Just for a phone get one of those flip phones that you can put in your sock.

Why don't you have two things where you can have one that does it both better? That doesn't make any sense. Why wouldn't I just have this? I can go online on this. If it's all about the screen... It's not a preposterous experience there's

something preposterous about scrolling side to side on an iPhone trying to look at a whole website it just is this you don't have to do it as much and it's in my opinion Apple fucked up I think they fucked up hardcore that they didn't develop a five inch screen develop a five inch screen you fucking assholes it's been three years since the Android people showed you that that's something desirable. And you dummies are like, no, no, no, no. People are quite fine with a very narrow, smaller one.

It fits in your pocket a little bit. It's okay. It's really good. It works better. It has the best software. It has the best interface. The user interface of the iPhone is without a doubt the best experience. But this little tiny screen could suck it.

This is stupid compared to this. This is better. This one I like better. user interface of the iPhone is without a doubt the best experience. But this little tiny screen could suck it. All right? This is stupid compared to this. This is better. This one I like better. It's just a teeny bit of screen size. Shut your mouth, son. Shut your mouth, son. You're talking about a very minor screen size.

I'm talking. Yeah. Very minor. And it's not worth the software. The software's not that bad, man. I'm telling you. You haven't tried this. I have a Galaxy S3.

You don't know this one. This is the one that has only the Google shit. It doesn't have any Sprint shit. Yours says Sprint when you start it up. It does. You got Sprint shit on yours. Yours says Sprint when you start it up. Son, this one does not say Sprint.

I know. That's badass. This is what I'm talking about. I do like that. Well, my Ting one does say Sprint, but I'd hardly use that. I love it. I love it for pictures and videos, though. But the 3, I'm thinking about going with the 4 for my regular phone.

I'm going to try that. I'm going to try the Galaxy S4 for a regular phone on Verizon. I tried that. How long did you try it for? Two days. I tried it. I was all gung-ho. I was like, fuck yeah.

Well, listen, man. I saw Jay-Z in a video, and he's using it. So it's good enough for me. Plus, Jay-Z's a winner, and I kind of feel like I'm a winner if I'm using the same device as Jay-Z. That's how I feel. Ho, H to the O-V. I used to roll snowflakes by the O-Z. Have you seen the video where he goes into an art gallery?

Speaking of art gallery. Oh, God, yeah. And he does rap in an art gallery. Pull that up because it's kind of fascinating. Have you seen it? Yeah. It's fascinating. It's like something Yoko Ono would do.

It is like something Yoko Ono would do. Look at this, Brian. Look how sexy all those apps are. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Oh, you mean all those inferior apps that are not as good? Shut your mouth, son. You know what the fuck you're talking about.

Look at all the possible frames I have. Look at all the windows that I can go through. Go on Vine and look at somebody that has an Android Vine compared to an iPhone. Bitch, suck it. Look at all the customizations that I can do. Go on someone Vines. I don't Vine, kid. You need to Vine, son. Go on someone vines. I don't vine, kid. You need to vine, son.

Let you know, son. I don't need to do anything. Vining's where it's at. Listen, I'm overexposed as it is. You know how I know? I don't like me anymore. Tired of hearing me.

I hear me too much. You hear me at every fucking UFC. You listen to yourself all day long when you get out of here. When you get out of here. I just go, yeah.

You go, boy. I listen to myself a lot. No. I do have to on some occasions, like for stand-up comedy. I don't listen to these things. I do listen to criticism. Like, I know people don't want, they don't believe that. They think, like, you know, nobody actually appreciates criticism when they do podcasts or anything like that.

appreciates criticism when they do podcasts or anything like that. A large percentage of it is by people that just have an opinion and their opinion is probably, you know, it's probably valid. It is to them. Everybody's experience is different. There's things that certain people like about certain folks and their personalities that other people don't like. And when you take it all into consideration, even if you don't agree with the guy, it gives you a broader perspective of what you're actually doing, of the point of view you're actually putting out or the vibe people are actually receiving when they listen to the podcast. So even douchey criticisms have benefited me. I really believe that. Even like mean, nasty. I think it's a bitter pill to swallow. But when you get through it, I think it benefits you.

You have a better understanding of what you are or aren't doing. And it forces you to look at what you are or aren't doing as a broadcaster. But you don't, do you? That's why you look at me like that? No, I do. What are you trying to say? You're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Apple rules.

That's what I was going to say. I was thinking about how creepy it would be to be at this Jay-Z art fair. Oh, you say creepy. Yeah, he comes up and starts just rapping in your face. Look at this. So they're at a gallery. He's got really high-cut sleeves. And this has something to do with the Samsung Galaxy S4, right?

I don't know. Yeah. Is it? Doesn't it? I believe it has something to do with the promotion. And so he's standing there and people, and he's rapping

in front of people and there's like old white ladies dancing with him. She's like going head to head with him and dancing with him. That's a polite way of saying that you would like that dick. It makes you realize how unentertaining rap really is. I love...

What are you talking about? I don't know. I'm just... No. Okay, let me ask you this. The difference between seeing this and seeing an acoustic version of Everlast doing

jump around well how about it when he did the john lennon sort of working class hero dude come on man that's just that's for that environment i've been listening to this new album a lot that shit's bone chilling this shit's good but it's so depressing yeah he's a depressing motherfucker he's lived a hard life he's got a bluesy outlook yeah but you know if you're into that music he's a he's a master at it. He's a master at that bluesy shit. Fuck yeah, he's awesome. He's a great guy too, man.

I really enjoy having him in here. He came to my shows in Toronto. Came to my show in Toronto. It was awesome. He's a good dude. He's so easy to hang with too. He could just fit in any crowd. He doesn't require any special attention.

He just blends in. That he doesn't require any special attention he just blends in that's that that depressing ass music though it's just the style it's he's very just you know his voice sounds yeah yeah everything is regret there's a lot of a lot of loneliness in there there's people love that though they love like linking up to it you know that's why johnny cash folsom prison blues is such a great song because it's about a guy who ruined his whole fucking life you know you're singing about a guy who's watching people smoking big cigars and drinking coffee and wishing he could be with them. They're probably drinking coffee and smoking big cigars, but I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

I mean, there's something about ruining your life that makes for great art. Why is that? I don't know. I don't know what the fuck it is about blues music. There's something that people want to relate to about losing your life. What's so funny?

You guys know you're doing a podcast right now, right? Jamie's having his own little show over there. What's he saying? He's showing me a picture of what looks like Jay-Z looking at a Galaxy S4 and just his expression on his face. Amazing!

Well, he's being sponsored by Galaxy S4, and they actually included his album on a million different phones that they sold. It was part of the... Oh, you could get the album early if you bought this phone. Yes. It would just automatically be on it. Yeah. And so people disputed that as far as, like, record sales go.

Hey. Like, how many records did you really sell then? Was that an iPhone? Man, this shit ain't no iPhone. Dog, for reals. Come on, son. Who'd you steal that from? Is that an S4 in his hand or is that an iPhone?

It looks like an iPhone. It looks like an iPhone. Doesn't it? They got him. They caught him. Oh, that's what the photo is about. If you have a big contract with S4,4 yeah you can't be seen fucking with an iPhone yeah someone could take a picture of it hey man look at this picture they give

you their phone to look at and then the paparazzi snap a shot real quick and boom iPhone goes let's be real jay-z when no one's looking this is what you use and that's true that's what it seems like it I'm sure that's what you use. Exactly. That's true. That's what it seems like. I'm sure. That's what you're going to... You should go just Galaxy. I would love to see you do it. What are you talking about, man?

I'm not sponsored by nobody. I can do whatever the fuck I want. I know, but that's what I'm saying. You should try to do it as if you were sponsored. See if you can do it. Here, put these glasses on. Son, why would I do that? Put these glasses on.

No, not wearing those glasses. See if they help you. No, I read with glasses. I read with reading glasses. I think it would be cool if you had red glasses. No, not wearing those glasses. And see if they help you. No, I read with glasses. I read with reading glasses. I think it would be cool if you had red glasses. If I want to read a book in low light, I have to use reading glasses. But I can read my laptop. You know what

gets me is low light conditions. I can read really good. If I'm outside, I can read a book with no problem. I don't need even glasses, reading glasses. Has driving been affected yet? No. no. Driving doesn't get affected. Steve Graham explained it to me. He's an ophthalmologist, and he said that it's your brain, or your eyeballs, rather,

they lose their ability to focus. The muscle doesn't focus on in-close things anymore, and you develop nearsightedness. That's something that people, that's where reading glasses come from. That's why my dad always told me to spend like 10 minutes every hour and look at a mountain far away just if you're on your computer. Just go outside and stare at something far away to kind of work out that muscle into stretching out or seeing far away and seeing close up. Makes sense.

It makes sense that your muscle would get tired of doing the same thing over and over and over again. You're just abusing it. Yeah. It's also, I think, there's probably an issue with artificial light. It's probably an issue with artificial light while you're looking. Look at this motherfucker with an iPhone. Jesus Christ, Jay-Z.

Jesus Christ. He got the iPhone. He's got the white one. White one. Black people love white limos. Like one. Black people love white limos. Like Eddie Griffin used to love white limos. White shoes. Want to be taken around by a white limo.

You know they're all going to jump on that gold, though. That gold iPhone. That's the only reason Apple is releasing it. If they do release it, that is a smart move for the hip-hop community. You definitely want to get that. They had a gold iPhone 5 that they gave away as a prize in one of the MMA events. I forget.

Like, one of the foreign MMA events, they gave, I think they gave Paul Daly a gold iPhone. That's nice. It's silly, right? I mean, what the fuck are you doing? What if you lose it? You're going to be so bummed out. Lose your fucking stupid gold iPhone. Drop your stupid gold iPhone in the toilet, and then what are you are you doing? What if you lose it? You're going to be so bummed out. Lose your fucking stupid gold iPhone.

Drop your stupid gold iPhone in the toilet. Then we're going to take the back off of it and put it on some new innards. You're going to have to get some doctor work done. Supposedly, Apple is about to release a new warranty program that gives you, for two years, your iPhone is protected up to two accidental damage things. So if you have cracks on the ground, now it's like hundreds of dollars to get a new one. The new one's going to let you have two cracks. Really? Two swipes?

Yeah, so now I might not even be using cases anymore because it's so sexy without the case. It's very sexy without the case. But I started using this Mophie case thing. That's the shit. Because you always have a second battery option. Yeah. There's nothing better than that, man. The idea that you can just charge that bitch up at any point in time.

Except the plug. It's a plug? Except the plug difference. But it's not different. You have to charge. It's not different anymore. Oh, it's not? No.

No. A USB plug. If you have the micro USB, it plugs this and it plugs the phone. It charges both. Oh, no, no. Yeah, that's how it always was. I'm talking about like, you know, like adapter. Oh, if you want to take the case off. Yeah, yeah, that's true.

But if you want to charge it, it charges both the phone and the case with the mini USB or micro USB, whatever it is. Like this. What does it say? He's just. He's sitting there with Apple laptops. Oh, how dare you, Jay-Z. You're allowed to have an Apple laptop if you have a Samsung.

You don't have to use Windows. You know, Google's coming out with their own desktop. They have their own laptops now. With, like, no fucking hard drives at all. They want you to store everything in the cloud. Ugh, such a dumb idea. Yeah, this idea of the cloud being for everything.

Yep, get out of my face. What if I don't have the internet access, I can't fucking write my paper? Well, not only that, haven't we clearly established that the NSA is looking through everything that you do?

The NSA's going to have your cloud. You know, is Google going to protect your cloud from the NSA? Really? You sure? No.

Where are my dick pictures going? They're going out into the universe. I don't think it's a good idea to just store stuff in space like that. Unless you don't care. But if you have anything that's like intellectual property, like something you're working on, a movie that you're trying to do and you're storing it in the cloud or

anything along those lines. Yeah. I mean, I think it's fine for most shit, but I'm not going to put all my butthole photos online. That's loud. Oh, I get it. I said dick and you say butthole. Yeah.

That's funny. Fucking child. Grow up. Let's bring this thing home. You haven't changed in three years. Why did you think it was episode 400, by the way? No, I said we're closing in on episode 400. It's episode 389.

Isn't that ridiculous? Wow. Yeah. Oh, I wrote 400. That's right. That's hilarious. Oh, I wrote it. You know why? Because I was talking and writing at the same time. Yeah, I'll edit it. I'll edit the thread. It's kind of amazing

that it's almost at 400. It's 389. Super crazy. If you stop by and think about the old days. The old days of the snowflakes. The next stage of this shit is that we don't have to be in the same room. The next stage of this is that we're going to be in other parts of the country. We're going to Skype it in together.

I can already do that. Yeah. We're going to have to do that eventually because I'm not going to stay here. Well, I'm not going to stay here now parts of the country. We're going to Skype it in together. I could already do that. Yeah. We're going to have to do that eventually because I'm not going to stay here. Well, I'm not going to stay here now with all this LA shit. You mean radiation shit? Yeah.

Yeah. I wasn't going to stay anyway. I think the traffic situation here is problematic. The culture situation here is problematic. There's a lot of things about this place I don't like. One of the big ones is I think there's too many people. And I think we devalue each other when we're stuck in these places where there's too many people like this. I just think the numbers are too high.

Well, that and the fact that 90% of the people out here are trying to be somebody or something. So you're not getting normal people. You're getting people that are usually like in the... Yeah. We're not broken even. Like when you go to high school, you know, who's in the thespian club and you know and who's in the normal club well you know what look man there's a lot of people that are into uh that that i like you know there's not that's not all bad what's the bad to me is not being into being a thespian what's bad

to me is the desire for really unnecessary attention or undeserved attention, I should say, where there's so many people that are trying to correct what they feel is an injustice from their childhood. That's what creates someone who wants to be famous. That's what created me. No doubt about it. I had to try to work my way through that and figure it out as an adult and adjust and evolve. And I did it through martial arts and work my way through that and figure it out as an adult and adjust and evolve. And I did it through martial arts and I did it through reflection and meditation and isolation tanks and all that shit and psychedelics. But some people aren't interested in fixing it. They're not interested in being balanced.

They're interested in feeding the monster. And the monster was developed when they were children. Almost everyone out here to a person has a fucked up childhood. And I don't know if that's almost everyone in America, because it seems like there's a good percentage of people when you get down to the nitty gritty and talk to them about their childhood, there's a lot of shit they weren't happy about. There's a lot of shit that could have been done differently. But the opposite of that, of course, is that those are the most interesting people I know. The most interesting people I know all had fucked up childhoods.

They all had to form their own opinions of the world. They all had to escape the pressure or the gravity of their environment and get out and become their own individual. And in doing so, they developed fortitude, they developed character, they developed creativity that some people who live in a soft, cushy, nerfed environment don't have to develop. So it's almost like shielding your children from adversity can punish them in a way. It's almost like the only way to actually have an interesting person or develop an interesting person is they have to develop, they have to fail. They have to try and fail and then learn why they failed and then overcome and then deal with assholes to learn they don't like assholes, to learn not to become an asshole, seeing other people with you don't

want to see in yourself, correct that from yourself. It's like a long fucking process to making a good person. And if you, you know, if your kid just grows up in Beverly Hills around a bunch of snots and they're all just doing Adderall all day and driving their dad's BMW, you know, you might develop a bunch of useless fucking human beings that are never going to be able to fix themselves. But if you develop in a community where hard work is cherished and people understand adversity and they appreciate, you know, the land that they're living

on, like a cool community, a community that has a good, like a good farmer's market, a community that people, you know, they appreciate being there. They work to keep environmental damage from happening to them. They work to not pollute. They work to keep environmental damage from happening to them. They work to not pollute. They work to establish a good area, a good spot for everybody to enjoy. That, I think, is the best way to do it. But it's just, once you live in a place, it's so hard to get the fuck out. It really is.

It's so hard. And it becomes harder when you get older, especially if you have children. Your children love the school they go to. They love their friends. And you're like, hey, yeah, you have children. Your children love the school they go to. They love their friends. And you're like, hey, yeah, you know that person that you love more than anything in life? Yeah, you're not going to get to see her but maybe once or twice a year because we're going to pack up and move to Texas. Yeah, but usually, I mean, it usually gets better. Have you ever moved somewhere and been like, man, it wasn't as good as when I moved over, you know, lived there?

It's usually always like getting a new girlfriend. You're always going up. You're not usually moving down. Well, for me, yes. Colorado was a big, I loved Colorado. I loved living there. But there's a lot of, you know, when you have little kids and you're on mountain lines or eating dogs, there's something fucked up about that. It's something selfish, man.

There's something really selfish about that. On one hand, it's like, yeah, well, they're gonna be okay if you look after them. On the other hand, it's like, yeah, they might not be. You know, you don't want a baby getting scooped up by an eagle. Yeah. You'd feel like such an asshole. You don't want to be snowed in and you can't

get groceries or help. Oh, that can happen. That happens in Denver once every decade or so. They get some shit that keeps you in your house for like two weeks. Yeah. Fuck that. They got seven feet of snow once. Dude, stop and think about that.

A fucking storm just planted itself over Denver or Boulder, I forget where it was, and just dropped seven feet of snow. And these poor people were just fucked. The only good thing is you can melt it and drink it, so you don't have dehydration problems. You totally drink that water. Whoa, what the fuck?

Somebody posted something about the Galaxy Mega. Oh yeah, that's another thing they're doing. The Galaxy Mega is like in between a tablet and the Note 3. That's gonna be 6.8 inches. Is that what it is? 6.3. 6.3 inches.

That's for guys like Shaq. Shaq could really have that no problem, these giant hands. See, people say that this is too big for your one hand, and I don't feel like it is. I don't feel like the HTC One is too big for your one hand. And I don't feel like it is. I don't feel like the HTC One is too big for one hand. I feel like I can handle that with one hand. No problems. Yeah, but driving would be...

I don't text and drive, you fuckhead. You should stop doing that, man. Here's what you can do easier with this. You put the pinky underneath, and it kind of does fit a little bit better in your hand. Yeah, but you're also... Even with the Mophie. You're using their keyboard, which is not as good.

Oh, it's great. Keyboard's great. The typing for me is not as good. Keyboard's just as good and the spell correction's excellent. You haven't used this. The thing about Apple as opposed to Android, one thing that they do lose on is their innovation is so far behind.

As far as how much better the new stuff is and how much they release. These HTC phones and these Samsung phones, they're releasing them every couple months. Like, badass new ones

with crazy new shit. And then another one's coming down the pipe. They're in the middle of developing it. I definitely think they should expand their line to multiple phones,

which I think they're finally doing now with this new, like, they're making the cheaper phone and maybe they might even make You're talking about Apple. Yeah. See, that's your team. You just immediately go, they. Hey, man make it. You're talking about Apple. Yeah. See, that's your team.

You just immediately go, they. Hey, man. They. You're talking about Apple because that's what's close to your heart. I just like the best, you know. Microsoft, there was an article on, I forget what website it was on today, about Microsoft flailing that they don't know what to do because their new desktops.

What's that? They bought Nokia. Yeah. Poor Nokia guys. They're probably like, no, you leave us alone, Windows. What are you talking about? They want to get that money. They're like, good, you take our fucking dying platform. Here,

buy it, please. Thank you. Give us the money. We're done with the mobile market. The president of the company is leaving next year. Yes. You know why? Because he's got a yacht the size of a state and it's just filled with hookers and he's just rubbing his palms all day while he works, waiting for the one day he gets off,

and he gets to fucking dive into this sea of beautiful prostitutes naked with $100 billion he made selling it to Microsoft. Their phones are terrible. I tried one of those Windows phones. I was like, Jesus, this is dog shit. It's just so clunky. A friend of mine had one, and he was trying to take a picture. We were outside the ice house, and he was trying to take a picture.

I go, what are you doing with that monstrosity? He's like, no, no, no, this is cool, man. He's like, let me show you. Let me show you. Well, once you get the hang of it, he's like, okay, now it's here. Now, hold on. Yeah, where is it? Yeah, I had to get the camera.

I got to, okay, here. And I was like, oh, my Yeah, where is it? Yeah, I had to get the camera. I got to, okay, he ain't, huh, huh. And I was like, oh, my God. To show me his picture, he had to go through this whole rigamarole and go into his photo gallery. I go, you just lost me. You just lost me, and that is shite. You have a shite camera. Shite.

Why can't they just copy Apple and then take the hit in court? They do. They do it all the time. Copy them. Apple's it all the time. Copy them. Apple's suing over you. Do it exactly the way they do it with no variation. Change the icon for the phone. Make it a big P for phone, a T for text.

Make it real simple like that. C for camera. Make the icons instead of a photo of the fucking thing that it is. Like a photo of a camera lens. Make it a C. I know what that means. It means camera. And then Apple can't say shit. You can say, we're innovators. We decided that instead of having an

unrecognizable image of a camera, we went with a C for camera. Wow. Wow what? Sony's about to release a new lens for the iPhone that's like a professional camera lens. Oh, that you stick on the end of it?

Yeah, look at this thing. Oh, that's hilarious. That's the camera lens that's just... Just carry a phone, you fuck. Oh, that's badass. That's kind of crazy. See? That's so crazy.

Yeah, and it just snaps onto your iPhone. That is so crazy. It turns your iPhone into a DSLR. Yeah. Oh my God. You get new fucking lenses for it. Oh, that's sweet.

It's never going to end. It's never going to end. Yeah, it will. Every year, they're going to keep coming up with crazier and crazier shit. Where's it going to go?

DSLRs for your iPhone. What is the next thing that's going to be a part of your phone? I think the next thing is... Holograms. No. thing that's going to be a part of your phone? I think the next thing is holograms. No, your phone's going to be more used as a remote control with the Apple TV stuff in the future. And I think these 4K televisions, now phones are doing 4K, so it's going to be just amazing. Like, hey, check out what happened today at the store, and now you're just sending it to your phone.

I think more interactions with your TV and phone and computer. Yeah. Stuff like that. No, I hear you. I think it's going to be a little Obi-Wan, help me, Obi-Wan. You're my only hope. I think we're going to make holograms. I think that's coming.

Your brain's a hologram. Oh, your mom's brain's a hologram. I think it's just a matter of time before we can develop something that's going to take a 3D image of something and you're going to see a miniature version of it. So your girl's going to be able to send you miniature versions of her fingering herself

and you're going to play it on the bed and shoot loads onto it. She would never do that. Yes, she would, dude. She lives in the desert with monkeys and Tarzan and fucking snakes and shit all right um let's end this let's wrap this bitch up bring it home this was as silly and pointless as any podcast we've ever done thank you i knew i could count on you we've been too serious lately about a lot of shit yeah um sometimes yes sometimes no you know people a lot of people complained about uh the about the TV show that I did and the explanations of conspiracy theories.

And that's one of the reasons why I didn't want to do those subjects in the first place. It's too touchy a subject with people. But I was intoxicated by the ideas behind them and the idea behind exploring them and finding out what people's belief systems are right. And I learned a lot. I really did. I learned a lot about myself and my own willingness to believe in shit,

but I also learned about other people's just repeatable behavior patterns. These repeated behavior patterns where you see how they get locked into all this crazy shit while thinking about all these crazy ideas that aren't necessarily real, looking for mysteries. And for the most part, it's a fucking waste of time. The vast majority of all paranormal stuff, I think, is a giant distraction. The vast majority. It doesn't

mean there's not some possibilities, especially for psychic powers, the ability to see. I've, you know, I've had weird feelings in my life and they turned out to be represented in real life. It's possible that, you know, people have some abilities that are much, much stronger than mine. I've had some weird moments where I felt like I could sort of figure out that something was wrong even though there's no natural indication. But I don't have any psychic powers at all. I have zero. And because of these weird moments,

I always leave the door open for a possibility someday. But like Mick West said, it's probably going to come through technology. It's probably the idea that a person becoming psychic is probably going to get bum-rushed by real psychic energy that's created by chips before we even get close to figuring out how to do it biologically on a consistent basis. I just think that these subjects are too toxic. There's too much hostility involved. And you get involved in these arguments that you don't really want to be in. I don't want to be in a chemtrail argument with people.

Yeah, especially since that person's in his basement doing it, and he has all the time in the world to fight you with it, and you're just like, all right, I'm going to open up my Twitter. Oh, man, I have to deal with this shit. Well, it's not only that. Also, I don't want to be called a shill because I'm not. And just because we disagree with something, I don't want you to be mad at me, it's not only that. Also, I don't want to be called a shill, because I'm not. And just because we disagree with something, I don't want you to be mad at me.

Because it's just an idea. And it's just, it's about, it's about the future of our country! I get it. I get it. But it's also about ideas. Because the alien thing is just about the idea. It's just about the idea. There's no direct imminent threat by aliens that we need to recognize.

It's just about the idea. And when you start talking about that idea that we need to recognize. It's just about the idea. And when you start talking about that idea and showing different viewpoints, like, hey man, maybe people are full of shit. And then you start meeting a gang of people that are full of shit. And then you start reporting, hey man, I think these guys are full of shit. And that might be what we're seeing here. People get so

fucking mad at you. And that was something that I kind of anticipated, but didn't... I thought I expected that we would be able to maneuver our way around it. And we weren't able to. So, for all you people that are believing in aliens, good for you, sweetie. Good for you. I'm not

saying there's no aliens, but you best realize that people are full of shit. Might not be that there's no aliens, but it might be that there's no aliens. But it might be that no one's ever seen an alien. That is fucking possible too. You gotta take that shit into consideration.

Don't get mad at me, bitch. I love you. Give me a hug. Come here, give me a big E-hug. You freaks. There's plenty of room in this life for love. You don't have to create conflict. And what I really liked about that Nick West guy is he's not trying to start any fights with people. He's trying to just disagree. He does so politely. I think that's, we could all learn from that

guy. All right, you fucks. What else could I say? Love doesn't exist. Tell John McCain get the fuck off his phone. If you see him, tell him poker's for idiots. Stop it. It's not really for idiots, but tell him that anyway. idiots but tell him that anyway don't tell him that he's a fucking war hero what does that even mean hey look we love the shit out of you guys and we'll see you Monday we've got a quite a few options for guests next week so it

should be cool and interesting and fun and always as positive as we can make it all right no inspirational speeches I think I've said enough today. So I give you a big kiss, and we'll see you soon. Thanks to Stamps.com. Use the code word JRE. Save yourself some cash. Go to Onnit.com.

Use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements. And we will see you this weekend in Brea, California this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Me and the lovely and talented Tony Hinchcliffe. And if you really like Tony's set,

you can take him home. He will let you. I've heard. I'm the golden pony. I'll come with you. Alright, we love you guys. Bye. Thank you.