The Joe Rogan Experience - #392 - David Choe

Episode Date: September 13, 2013

David Choe is an American painter, muralist, graffiti artist and graphic novelist from Los Angeles, CA. To learn more about him and his work check out the documentary "Dirty Hands: The Art and Crimes of David Choe" and also on his VICE series "Thumbs UP!"

And I'm like, what, like, that takes this kind of guy that you're talking about, the hitman kind of guy. I think it takes a little bit more than that. It takes most likely someone who's probably been molested themselves. What are you going to, like, okay, so you're trying to ultimately beat me physically and then humiliate me, but then you still have to get your dick hard to get it into my butthole, you know? Yeah, it's an odd thing to be proud of. I think if you're a man and you're doing that, there's a lot of those guys that have probably been molested.

Right. They've probably been, I mean, they say that that's one of the big factors for child molesting is people who have molested themselves as a child. I'm not saying that that's child molesting, but fucking rape like that, but it's kind of akin to. Right. It's the number one fear if you're going gonna go to prison yeah yeah yeah sons of anarchy just started the the new season right right the amazing like it starts with uh auto getting butt fucked you know and how rude and he's he's the the creator of the show i think so that means he okayed himself getting butt

fucked and okayed it the guy probably wrote it in yeah he wrote it smile on his face so he's getting butt fucked and i'm like i'm like and then the guy implies this is going to go down on the regular every day now so if you know every morning you're going to get butt fucked at what point do you just give up even fighting it? You're just like, do you shit yourself every morning so that the guy has to stick his dick through? I bet he's not that shy. I bet shit's not going to scare him off if I had to take a wild guess. Right.

The guy was trying to fuck you in the butt every day. That guy's not discerning. Learn to like it, you know? Day two, day three, do you just? You could. That could be the non-passive Buddha approach. Learn to like it, you know? Day two, day three, do you just... You could. That could be the non-passive Buddha approach. Learn to like it and learn to be a good wife.

You know, maybe you actually grow to love each other. It's a terrible idea to be locked up in jail with a guy who's fucking you all the time. For sure. Probably your mind would try to rationalize and find some way to escape it. But think about the performance anxiety of just being with a girl regularly.

You're with her, and then you can't get it up, and you're like, oh my God, how embarrassing. Think about the performance anxiety of a male rapist who's like, I'm going to rape this guy. You beat him up, you get him down, you rip his pants down, and then you're like, sorry, give me a second. You're like, I got to get this. Well, it's a perfect example of rape being not sex.

Rape is violence. Right. You know, a guy fucking and raping a guy, especially if he's not gay. It's a control and violence thing. You should get a known male rapist person guy on the show and ask him what he thinks about to get hard. I don't think they could do it they'd have to wear like a wrestling mask you got two people now taking their minds to separate places you got the guy getting raped trying to think of anything but getting raped and you got

the rapist trying to think of like something to get him hard to rape the guy yeah it's an uncomfortable idea but it's also an idea that we kind of understand that's one of the more uncomfortable aspects of it right we kind of understand that there are guys out there that would rape somebody right they would do it and you trained him to kill no I don't think that guy was he could have been a rapist but he definitely at least tried right to kill people or was it very I should say at the very least ready. Right. I met a couple guys like that.

I met a couple guys along the way that were like really crazy. One of the guys that I used to do martial arts with, he went to jail and came back a completely different person. Right. It was weird, man. Right. He came out like a wild animal. I mean, he went in, he was a real tough kid kid and he went in when he was like i guess he was probably like 18 or something like that we were around the same age right and when he came out he came out years later he didn't want to

tell everybody he was in jail so he had this crazy story about you know being away and helping somebody out or something like that and then eventually just confessed right but then getting to know him like he he was a totally different person it's like all of a sudden i had to realize like oh that the last guy he does not he's not here anymore this is some new dude now i got to talk to this new dude right and figure out uh what the parameters of our friendship are because he seems fucking crazy he's been fighting for his life in a cage for the last four years. I mean, the dude went away, and he told me about fights where he tried to beat a guy to death with a mop handle. Some guys were coming at him with a shank. He came out an animal.

Yeah, he came out an animal. It was a real wild animal fight to the death type shit on a regular basis. Wow. Yeah, he was in jail for drugs. Right. And so he was in a serious jail. He was in jail for drugs. Right. And so he was in like a serious jail. He was in jail, I think either heroin or cocaine. I don't know what it was, but he was fucking nuts when he came out. I hate to say how much time I've actually thought about getting fucked

in my ass because, because I've been to jail a few times, you know, I've never done hard time, but I've been to jail a few times for a few months. Wow. And, you know, it's like you have to think about it going in. I guess you do, right? Especially being an Asian. Right. You go in as a black guy, there's the blacks. You go in as a Mexican, there's the Mexican gangs. You go in the whites, you join the Aryan whatever.

I have a friend that's Japanese, a little Japanese guy that went to jail. And then there's not enough Asians in jail where they just all have to, you know, you have to be friends with the Chinese, the Japanese, the Thai, the Filipino. Right, right. It's not like, oh, because there's so few. And come on, let's face it. Everyone likes Asian chicks. And so especially this pervert over here.

So if everyone likes Asian chicks and then male rapists want Asian dudes? Dude, if you're in jail and you're fucking white dudes and hairy Afro buttholes and Mexicans and then like a hairless Asian dude. Yeah, you want them clean. You know, you're like, oh. I guess I kind of see your point. You know? Depends on what you're into. Asians are small.

We're smaller than. So if you're a rapist and look, I I'm just, this is the things I think about. And I get to jail, I'm an easy target, you know? I'm not a fucking giant guy, like, he's like, oh, and he doesn't have that much hair. It's a weird thing to think about. How often do you think about this? Well, I think about it when I go to court and they go, you're going to jail, you know? How many times have you been in jail?

this well i think about it when i get go to court and they go you're going to jail you know how many times you've been in jail uh i've been maybe five times most of them like just a week or a day and then the japan thing where i was for three months but never more than a few months you know and i never got raped it's like almost it's almost a weird thing like i almost wanted it to happen so i could finally yeah you didn't try hard because you sit and you because you remember the edward norton movie uh 25th hour where he has his best friend to beat the shit out of him yes so he would look ugly going in so he looked like a badass so i never went that far but it was like god i forgot about that scene you know what a crazy strategy yeah but it's like it's okay i get to prison the first day a white gang, Mexican gang, whatever, is like, let's fucking show the new guy how it's done here. I'm like, at that point, I'm like, I'm going to be overpowered, whatever, this and that.

In my mind, I made it up very early on. I was like, I'm not going to get fucked in my ass. It's not going to happen. on i was like i'm not gonna get fucked in my ass it's not gonna happen if i go to jail and like five guys hold me down and fuck my ass or whatever then i'm i'm gonna die the next day i don't want to be the guy that gets i'm gonna fucking kill the guy that did that to me and if i die trying then i'll just be dead but i'm not gonna like you know if they make me suck their dick i'll bite their dicks off you know i not... Wow. Strong statement. I'm not going to fucking be the guy that just gets butt fucked.

I know what you're saying. What if you like it, though, man? That is the problem. I think you're going to like it. Fine. Well, you know, you have that bingo button in your prostate or whatever. Allegedly. Allegedly.

I never push that bitch. I don't want that jackpot. But on a regular, like, you know, you've trained martial arts, this and that. And I've heard like the Bruce Lee story stuff where he's a badass so everyone always tries to fight him. Like on a regular week, how many times does someone try to fight you? No, never. Never? People never try to fight me.

I'm very nice. I know you're a nice guy, but does people ever go, hey, you think you know try to fight you? No, never. People never try to fight me. I'm very nice. I know you're a nice guy, but does people ever go, hey, you think you know how to fight? No. I'm not very impressed with myself. I'm not the type of person who brags about what I can and can't do.

It's not like I have to respond to things that I've said, like I could kick this guy's ass or fuck that guy up. I don't even think like that. I do it for me. I do it to calm my crazy monkey body. I do it to keep my mind straight. I do it to give myself something that's very difficult to do.

Because I think that as a person, oftentimes we have a lot of intensely built up stress because of the nature of average everyday life in comparison to the nature of ancient. I aggressively jerk off every day. Yeah. Ancient man had a completely different existence. Right. But we essentially have the same body.

Right. And so that body has, like, energy requirements. And I find that if I don't test myself in some extreme way on a regular basis, physically, that I can't stay calm. Well, I try to push myself. Like, I've been painting my whole life. Right. So I guess when anyone does anything their whole life, to other people it makes it look easy.

So I'll paint and I'll just pick up a... And I paint quickly, so I don't really spend too much time on anyone painting. And that's because I've practiced and practiced. Well, it's your style too. You have a very particular style. You know, people will see me paint and go, oh, I think I could do that.

Thank you very much for the werewolf that you made me. That was cool as shit, dude. I wish the framing was done. I'd have it hanging up while you're in here. But that was very cool. Well, that was cool to find out how much you liked comics and horror shit growing up. And, you know, that stuff for me is fun to paint.

To me, it was so fun, like the old creepy and eerie and all those and and dude you bought me a whole book series too you're the nicest guy ever man well i bought me a whole book series of those comic book uh horror things look i it's badass you've been doing this show for four years right almost yeah i'm i'm a baby and but you've been like on fear factor you're you're in you've been in broadcasting for a while like broadcasting yeah well you've been, like, on Fear Factor. You've been in broadcasting for a while. Broadcasting. Well, you've been in front of a camera. As an entertainer.

Yeah, exactly. I'm new to this shit, you know, and that's another thing for me to challenge, you know. Like, my podcast is barely a year old. When I did the show for Vice, the Thumbs Up, I was just fumbling through, like, making shit up. No, no, the Vice things were cool, cool dude the vice things got people to know you but i first heard about you i'm sorry go ahead it's just a lot of stuttering though but and there's no so what there's no person there's no script i'm just like uh and so to have like you kevin smith anthony bourdain howard stern like all these guys like let me be on the shows and interview them.

Like, A, I get ridiculously sick before the show. Like I just get filled up with so much like nervous energy. Before this show? Like, well, I'm more calm now. But like the first time I was on your show, I puked like outside of Chili's or something right here. Did you really? I would have never expected i would have never believed that you seem so calm and relaxed well also i had a little food poisoning

then too but just in general anytime like i i have a lot of anxiety with being like in front of cameras cameras or like anything like this i i like it because it makes me nervous right in the same way like i would like someone to at least attempt to try to butt fuck me in prison. It's like, it gives, it's an insane amount of nervous energy where I get shaky and then I just puke it out and then I'm good. You know? Wow. Well, it's one of those things that I think once you start, once you start it. Right.

And then you just get comfortable. And so I'm appreciative to you and everyone who's like let me be on their show and talk so it's like i think it's uh a little bit of a lost art of writing a nice note or like you know it's like that's right hey hey bro had a good time send a text message it's like okay cool but like you know someone does something nice for you like do something nice well i really recognize the gesture and i really appreciate it was very very cool of you and very generous but i don't and now i don't want people who've been on the show now just start sending me shit like oh david cho says well that's the other thing it's like i don't want to send people

shit that like i hate like i have a hard time throwing stuff away. And people are like, hey, you're an artist. I'm an artist. And they send me a giant, like, shitty painting. And I'm like, this is so sweet that you did this. But I sort of feel like shit now because I inspired you to paint this horrible painting. And I, you know, I have a lot of space to put it. So I'm like, I have a real tough time throwing stuff away. But, like, I know you like werewolf shit. And you told me you like the EC horror stuff, so I'm like, Joe will like this.

Oh, that's very cool. Very cool. Thank you very much. And I went to Kevin Smith's house. He has a shitload of Batman toys. So I'm like, this guy for sure likes Batman toys, but he doesn't have the best ones that I know about. So it's like, I like getting people stuff that they want, not just bullshit? No, no, that's very, very cool. Very cool of you, man. Yeah. You're a, you're a very, uh, thoughtful guy. I would have never thought

that you were nervous the first time you did it because you were so calm and normal and relaxed and honest. Well, it goes from this, it goes from retardedly nervous. Like, like, like I can't, like I get filled with and one of the main things that people say about me is like i interrupt people or i say like too much but it's because i have so much i it's all in me and like i don't i don't know how this shit goes well i've seen you do it right and i've seen howard stern do it and i've seen and to me i see joe pull up to the show sit down have a have a coffee, and start talking. And that's how I do everything.

That's how I do art. People go, what do you think about when you paint? I go, I don't think about shit. I know you have your deprivation chamber stuff to relax and stuff. But for me, for podcasting, for playing music, for making art, I sit there. for playing music, for making art. I sit there. I try to do the yoga, not yoga,

the zen meditation shit of just thinking about nothing, like just go blank from the Ghostbusters, think of nothing. And I just try to think of nothing, and then I just try to explode. But then I walked in on The Nerdist. They broadcast from Meltdown, and they had all these writers writing shit.

And I think they do that for the Stern Show too, and I'm like, this is crazy. They're like preparing, they, you know. Yeah. And so for me, I don't do any of that shit. I just show up, I turn the mics on, and I start talking for like 10 hours straight because I usually do four podcasts back to back. But it fills me with such nervous energy and it takes

me a second where that nervous i puke it out first then i calm down and then in the same way where people are like oh when they see me paint they're like oh i could do that because i'm because i make it look easy whatever right i do the show with joe and then i'm like i think i could kick the shit out of joe not that bad i think i I could fight him. I think I could take him. You relaxed. Yeah, you relaxed a little bit. I think, too, that it's such a unique medium, the podcast medium. And it's really, it's a medium that, like, works best when you do it this way, in my opinion. I think there's two types of podcasts.

There's, like, the Dan Carlin type podcast, which we were talking about last night with Wayne Fetterman, who's a buddy of mine, who's a hilarious comedian, who became a fan of that Hardcore History podcast. But it's not really a podcast the same way this is. It's more like an audio book, like a lecture, a brilliant, entertaining lecture on history. But that's like a preparatory thing or a preparation thing. But what we do is essentially it's done best when it's like, who is David Cho today?

Like we vary. Who's David Cho today, September 12, 2013? Right. Where are you at right now? What's going on right now? Where are you at in your laundry list of experiences in this life? And that's, it's very unique in that way. And a guy like you, you know, the only way, we were talking about this before we even started.

Right. But about people wanting to do something with you. Oh, we get you, David Cho. Right, right. We get you. We know you're wild. We know you're crazy. We love that.

Right. We want you to do that on our thing. Right. And then once you get involved with it, you realize like, oh, no, this is, they don't get me. No, no, no. I can't. Right. You're telling me to do this and I want to do that. And they don't get me no no no i can't you're telling me to do this and i want to do that and you tell me i can't swear and i can't say that

i shouldn't say this and that'll that'll stop them from advertising you know hiccups fucking this to me is the most perfect media to express myself when i'm not painting or doing anything because it's first of all the shit's free i don't have any ads and you don't have to listen if you don't want and i know what i am and i know what i'm not you know like i'm i don't know shit about history i don't remember dates i'm not that smart where i'm gonna actually like inform you about anything like i i just know that i have a feeling when i isolate myself when i'm when i'm a bit of a recluse and I don't go out, that the evil thoughts start coming in and I start feeling like a weird person. And I'm like, does anyone else feel like this or is it just me? And a lot of times it is just me, but like, you know, I get all anxiety.

And so then I go see a therapist and I'm like, I don't even know if this is for me. So for me, the podcast is me and my friends bullshitting. talk about shit I know fucking art hanging out this and that and then I could just verbal diarrhea all my problems out and you could listen or you could not listen but by me doing that I'm exercising my demons and you could relate or not relate go this guy's a weirdo or or not and I can only I can only talk about what I, what I know. And I, I'll give you an example. Uh, I just, for the first time in four years, had my first art show. I haven't painted. Uh, I did a few murals, murals and shit in that time, but not like an actual art show in a gallery or museum. And, you know, I, I'm at a point in my life where money is, I don't need to play the money game, which is a very rare thing to say.

Like, I don't have to make money doing anything. I don't have to make money off my podcast. I don't have to have an art show and sell it out. Like, so if I'm not playing the same game of most humanity, most people will never get a chance to say that, right? Like, I don't have to worry about money. My kids don't have to worry about that right like i don't have to worry about money my kids don't have to worry about money their children don't have to worry about money so i'm starting to do some more charitable stuff to help people and as far as art goes i didn't become an artist so that only rich people can afford my art so i'm trying to do shit that's free at museums more murals whatever so i did a i did my art show in mexico but immediately after the art

show um and actually it's still up if anyone's in mexico city and wants to see it it's at the museum del chopo at and it's called snowman monkey barbecue and uh it's like it's old gambling term that uh um is that online can we see that image yeah you could see shit online what is it snowman what snowman monkey barbecue dot mx um and so um i i'm i'm like that was crazy because i had two and a half weeks to put that show together you know and i did murals and watercolors and sculptures and all that shit so wow what is what's going on back there oh yeah i just made shit out of uh piñata material oh my god that fucking thing is huge how big is that man uh i don't know it's like three stories high and holy shit so that's insane That's a real work of art.

So it's like I haven't painted in four years. I'm flumpering around. I'm doing bullshit. And then someone's like, here's a space at a museum. You got two and a half weeks. Go. Just puking it all out, you know? Brian, go back to that one large image of it, if you would.

Fill that up with the screen. Look at what? That's fucking crazy. It looks like a giant eagle-looking thing. Yeah, I mean, it's everything I saw in Mexico, everything that I felt, and I just, you know, and I'm confident at this point in my life to paint, you know. When I was younger, I would see something in my head, and the hand-eye coordination of, like, it wouldn't look exactly how I saw it.

Now I can make exactly what I see in my head come out. Dude, your head is filled with chaos. You make me nervous just being across the table from you. That's dope. So I just puked that shit out, you know? Brian, I don't think you can show that. Oh, no. I think we'd get in trouble so those were not real ladies and gentlemen they were definitely not real um so then i was at a dinner um a year earlier with anthony bourdain and david chang and there's a food symposium

in copenhagen every year called mad symposium and it's like a food conference you know and it's just all michelin star chefs like the the guys that do with food that kind of shit you know dude that's so cool looking i know i love it the young child girl boy in the lower right hand corner with the eagle thing over its head what kind of bird is that if you saw that in detail it's just goes deeper and deeper like like the girl's being eaten by like a parrot but then her beak turns into another thing and there's a blue dog i try to fractal almost well i try to do this like well i could talk to you about it because you understand the ayahuasca the ayahuasca opens something inside me where i'm tripping all the time now well i'm tripping all the time let's go to a doctor i mean

it's they broke your trip button no it's crazy man like i don't know what way you're tripping all the time like it's happening you know like you do mushrooms or you do ayahuasca and then you start seeing shit yeah it's just happening all the time now so you see it all the time it's all the fucking time like you'll just be sitting down one day i'm seeing it right now i don't even like there's like a train track right here and then there's like weird colors coming down this way um really i don't want to sound like a weirdo but it's oh it's too late look you're an awesome weirdo i don't i don't try to fight it the the images are just exploding non I mean, I could differentiate between reality and whatever.

But it's, if I just close my eyes like that time before you fall asleep and I just lay there, I could just watch like this symphony of, I don't know what it means. I don't try to make sense of it, but it's happening. So it happens on a super regular basis. All the time. And it only happened once you had your initial ayahuasca experience. I did, yeah. In one year, I did mushrooms a few times, and I did ayahuasca three times back to back.

And since then, it opened something inside me. Wow. And, you know, it's the same visions that I would see, like, if I had a dream or whatever. But now it's just all the time. There's no,'s no like oh now i'm gonna trip and the ayahuasca what's the ayahuasca on the third night oh my god the ayahuasca on the third night you know they call it the spirit it talks to me and it said to me don't ever do this again you got you got your homework now you know what you need to do wow

and i wrote everything down and said you need to do this Wow. And I wrote everything down and said, you need to do this, this, and this. And it gave me instructions of all the shit I need to do for the rest of my life. Like I couldn't do an eight lifetimes, you know, 20 lifetimes. And it says you could abuse anything, right? I could start doing ayahuasca recreational and it's,

and it's, it's a powerful tool and I don't want to abuse that, you know? So I'm like, why would I need to do something I mean it's I could I think I could still function as a human but it's all the time it's it's open now and it's uh it's cool I like it you like it yeah I love it it's not like maddening or whatever it's like um I wish this is one of those days where like you know if uh you and i

were not in the same room right and i'd say well show me what it looks like right uh you know if you're describing a physical object you can take a photo of it send it to me right right one day i hope that technology exists that i could actually see what you're seeing yeah like can you imagine if we found out that like your version of of various things that you're looking at is different than my version? Because you do it and you're like, it's crazy, Dave. And I go, but explain crazy. And I'm like, is your crazy the same thing that I'm seeing? Well, it's like how much of what you impart as beauty to something is based on your own personal or cultural context.

And if you could absorb another person's views right like if you could see something maybe an actual visualization of something is not just the image itself it's the emotions attached to the image automatically by the mind right and i think we all have different ones of those which is why some dudes like girls that are like really kind of overweight right you know and some girls like really skinny guys or some you know it's like you there's something triggers in you well the one thing when people do like dream analysis and shit like what does it mean this and that one thing that i try to that i do a lot is i overanalyze stuff like why did i

just draw this guy's own dick going into his own butt or why did i draw like a blue over and over again yeah why did i draw yeah why did i draw why did you draw that 100 times that movie super bad when the guy keeps drawing the dicks i was like why didn't i get that job nobody draws dicks uh veins on a dick better than me dude that was that hit that hit so close to home but it's everywhere if you go to any country and you take a shit in any public bathroom someone always draws a dick what is that desire to draw a dick a peace symbol a fuck you uh you know right it's always the it's always goes back to the dick well who are these bathroom philosophers i do it what is their quest people write like shit down on a wall it's a it's a weird thing it's like you're you're uh

we're all admitting that we're experiencing the same uncomfortable moment right so here's something to think about distract you right well so when you have dreams and you have visions and you're like what did that mean did something happen in my life that day? I did a lot of overanalyzing like that. Like, why am I seeing this right now? Why is this dog's head exploding and then a mushroom's coming out and then flowers are coming out of the mushrooms and this. And it's turning into my mother's face slapping. Like, instead of thinking about that, I just watch it now. Instead of trying to be like, why is that happening?

It's just like, cool, this is happening. And in the same way that mural everyone's like it just kept changing every day and it's like what is it is it a animal or is it this and what was happening in my life during that time first of all there's an unbelievable amount of pressure as an artist after not having a show in four years to you know every time I do a show I want it to be the best show I've ever done and this was like such a small amount of time to put that much art together that i was you know everyone's like you fucking bitches in mexico i'm like i'm working i'm not i didn't go to mexico to fuck you know but you have a very strange way of saying fuck how do i say it

it's very bold oh really it's like it's got bravado to it, like you're wearing a cape. I didn't go to Mexico to fuck. No, it's like you have a confident way of saying fuck. What do I like to do, fuck? You're almost defiant in your tone. So I got to tell you what happened. Because every – I'm going to go off subject just for a second because. No way.

Every time. Not on this show. Every time I think, wow, I've experienced a new sexual thing that I've never, like, this is insane. How many are left? When a girl shoots an ice cube up my butthole. Oh, dude. Or, you know, like. Your butthole.

Or like when I'm laying down and then like five women are just giving me a massage just using their tongues. I'm like, oh, five. It's not going to get better than this. You know, like this is like living like a baller. Damn, I didn't know it went over two handed. I thought it just stopped there. You got five handed. And then so I meet a guy yesterday and he's like, oh, yeah, we did some red rope shit and this and that.

I'm like, I'm like, I don't I don't know what that is. He's like, you don't know what a red rope service is? And I go, no, but please tell me. Like, what the fuck are you talking about right now? My name is Marty, and I'm the inventor of the red rope service. So I'm like sitting there. Okay, so you're laying on your, it's a massage parlor. You go, it's a service.

It's not the name of a place. It's like a code word you go can i get can i get the red rope okay so you're getting a massage and i think it's only in asia and you're laying on your back and then you go you know you get you get to the happy ending point where she gets your dick hard and everything and you're like i would like the red rope at this point she ties a rope and here's the crazy part it doesn doesn't have to be red. It's just a rope. And they tie it to the whatever, the bars above the massage table. And they hook their feet on it so they're upside down.

And so they start spinning around. And then they put their mouth on your hard dick. And then they let go. And they helicopter their mouth around your dick all the way. And I've never done it before but the guy says it feels like your dick's gonna like you've never felt anything like that before in your life and it feels like your dick is just gonna explode with uh you know like a neutron bomb and explosion and then you and then it's done and it stops and then it spins the other way around to um listen

leave it to the crafty asians always figuring out something it's unbelievable because they amazing they really like take sex to another level like they try to figure out the most pleasurable things to do to you and then they do them you know so they wrote books about it i mean you know the what is that that book the um what's the fucking the famous uh tantric book yeah what the fuck is that book um tantra love book well here's the thing about the red rope or any of that shit but what the fuck i know what you're saying i know what you're talking about because what is that book i do that tantric shit you know god damn it what's the name of the book though there's a famous name that if you find it over people's house like oh they're a freak i yeah you know what i'm talking about i know what

you're talking i do i do i am a student of tantra have you ever had a soapy where you're on a raft and they put like soap all over you and then just rub your body up and down brian i've done it all uh the red rope well here's the thing here's all the shit that we're talking about right the soapy raft yeah the red rope whatever kama sutra the kama sutra i mean duh um here's the thing about all these weird sex things especially like at a massage parlor where they do those things you're like how does one girl do the red rope? She had to learn it from, they have to teach. Right. Someone who does a happy ending, like, amazingly.

Right. The quality of service has to maintain. You know? Like, how can one girl give the best handjob? She had to learn it. So, that's another thing I think about, you know? Who's teaching them? Yeah.

Who's teaching them? It's a family thing. Is it a class? It's got to be. Who's the guinea pig? The guy who owns the building. Who's teaching them family is it a class it's got to be who's the guinea pig the guy who owns the building who's the guinea pig you know guy owns the building yeah it's got a fucking big mayonnaise jar filled with viagra just exactly so i don't know if you know this joe but i like to gamble i know i haven't i haven't gambled in in almost a year and eight months now no one's counting but uh i used to gamble in Macau. Macau is like Vegas times 10, right?

It's Vegas times 1,000. 1,000. They do shit in Macau that shits on. Like one good casino in Macau makes more money than all of Las Vegas. What? Like their Venetian out there is two football fields wide. Oh, my God. Like it's crazy.

Oh, my God. And they have chips like, you know, you go to Vegas and you see black chips and green chips, whatever. They have, like, square chips the size of this. And you're like, what's that? And they're like, that's a million dollars. A million dollars. Wow.

China, if you ever thought China is going to run the world, yes. The answer to that is yes. They don't give a shit. They have money there that it's like you wouldn't even fucking understand. Is that a good thing or a bad thing if China runs the world? I mean, you say China and everybody goes communism, Tiananmen Square. Those are the two things that come up. Communism, Tiananmen Square.

And then you say America and what do they say? Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Kent State. Well, it all depends on whether you like Chinese food or not you know like if you like MSG then it's good I don't know Chinese people running shit who knows I do know that if you uh to the like the three listeners out there that are into asian guys if if you like asian dudes if you like you know the hairless body and all that shit date a chinese guy from china because there's so many of them because you don't want to date a korean because they're fucking assholes they're stubborn insecure judgmental assholes you don't want to date like a weird japanese guy china chinese like to fuck they like to fuck a lot.

Whoa. These are strong words. That's why there's billions of them. There's more Chinese than anywhere. There's more Chinese people. Got a good point there. Right? What is that point?

They don't like to pull out. They like to come inside. And they like to have babies. So much that there's billions of them overpopulation. What does the Chinese government do? You can only have one child now. You can only have one. If you can only have one, what do you want?

A boy. What do the Chinese people do now? For years now, you can only have one kid or else you have to pay crazy taxes. So if you're Chinese and you have brothers and sisters, that means your parents are probably rich. So you abort until you have a son. So what does that do to the population now there's way more boys than there's women what does that do now that now like in the same way they used to do the male russian mail-order bride now they do that for china with vietnamese and filipino there's not

enough women so that they need to do filipino mail-order bride thai mail-order bride and what does that do there's i don's, I don't know. I don't know statistics, but I think it's something like for every 10 guys, there's one girl. So what does that do to the entire country? It creates homosexuality, more, higher numbers. And if you're a dude and you're lucky enough to get a girlfriend, you're going to treat her amazing. You're going to treat her like a fucking princess. So, ladies, if you like gonna treat her like a fucking princess so ladies if you like

asian dudes get a chinese guy well it seems like a recipe for fucking chaos because it doesn't seem like if you live like that and you only have one child right and the majority of them are men it first of all it doesn't feel like that's sustainable but it feels like people are gonna be so unhappy well we're gonna be so crazy well one answer is to get this book called the kama sutra and learn some tantric shit so you don't fucking come inside and have so many goddamn babies you know that's not gonna help at this point at this point it seems like when when you have that situation already in place where you're only allowed to have one kid so you have this excess of males and right completely imbalanced setup whenever you have imbalance like that it creates unrest right it's bad what they

could be doing is just setting up their entire country to like change the tone of the country right well here's the thing that i know i know when uh shit is fucking crazy because the art gets really good you know the art in china is better than the art in the rest of the world because they have been tormented because they have been living under communism. Wow. Like, Brian only fucks porn stars, and he thinks it's going to be a step up for him to start dating artists. That is, like, ten steps down. Wait till you hear his comedy after he starts dating an artist.

It'll be the best comedy he's ever done in his life. Why? Because they're crazy? They're horrible. Horrible people. Especially ones that paint a lot of self-portraits of themselves. Ooh. I mean, come on.

Give me a fucking break. Hey, let's not get specific here. Let's not get specific. But you know what I'm saying? Yes, I know exactly what you're saying. So, like, so I'm in China and I'm gambling. And I get stressed out. And they go, do you want to go get a massage?

And I told the guy, he goes, you know, massage or massage? And I go, no, like like seriously, like a regular massage. I want to calm down. So he gives me the number for this place in like Old Macau. And I go in and it's amazing. It's like giant, huge sofas where you could kick back. And the guy runs and goes, do you want a sandwich and some ramen or whatever? I'm like, yeah, give me some noodle soup.

Give me a ramen. Then a dude rolls up and he's like, you got some like hard skin on the bottom of your feet you want me to shave that off i'm like yeah fuck yeah you know wait man mani pedi dude and mani pedi yeah so i got a dude shaving with a razor blade like the hard skin on off the bottom of my feet and then a little girl just comes and sits on my shoulder and she she goes, do you want your ears cleaned? And I go, yeah. And she's doing, like, little flowery shit, blowing in my ear, digging all this, like, earwax out. And I'm like, I feel like a goddamn princess right now.

And then a sort of, like, milfy, older, not that attractive, but, you know, got some weird milf vibe. That's my type. Comes up and goes, do you want a leg massage? And this is all, like, 30 bucks. Wow. You know? Like, do you want a leg massage? And this is all like 30 bucks. Wow. You know, like now I got three people catering to me. I got one dude on my feet, one chick cleaning my ears. And I think at one point I had four.

Like one chick was like, do you want a head scalp massage? And I was like, let's just do the whole thing, you know. So you're just sitting there like a goddamn king. And then the lady that's giving me my thigh massage, she's like sitting on a little stoop between me rubbing my legs rubbing my calves and then once in a while she goes from one leg and then she goes to the other leg and one time when she went to the other leg her hands scraped the bottom of my balls i was like oh whoops sorry like was that an accident and then did you ask well i was like oh that's sort of cool you know did you say something i didn't say anything i was i was getting my ears whatever right right

a lot was going on but then she goes to the other leg and this time she grabs my balls i go that's not an accident so i'm like monkey grabs the peach right and uh i'm sitting there and she starts monkey grabs and so now she's giving she's giving me a a H-J but not like an aggressive H-J it's like just

she's just playing with my balls you get so many hand jobs you've broken it down to two letters it's just the old H-J well there's the dry H-J there's a wet H-J we're on maps terminology

right there do you have the monkey monkey steals the peach but she's just giving me like just like a boring right she's not trying to get me but she's just giving me like um just like a boring right just she's not trying to get me off she's just massaging she's just being nice to you and i and but then i start getting hard and i'm laying on a sofa thing like this right next to my friend right like our feet are touching oh that's kind of so so i'm like it's kind of gay you're like dude push off me i'm

getting hard so i feel the firm bottoms of your feet. I want to toe shake with you. But there's a blanket over my dick. So I start getting hard. And she starts hitting it on her hand and showing my friend. She's like, look, your friend very hard. And I'm like, don't do that. Don't do that. And I'm like, this is weird.

I'm getting a sexual act while other people are like manicuring me, you know? That's so crazy. And then it's 15 minutes and she stops and she goes, do you want it to go on or whatever? And I'm like, let's stop for right now. Let me just try to figure out what just happened right now. He's like a business manager. Let's stop for right now. Let's stop for right now.

And we're going to get the team together and assess where we go from here. So they all stop. They go away. And I go bro that girl was like said do you want a thigh massage and she was massaging my balls and he's like that was awesome and then we're talking and we're looking at everyone so we look like the feet manicured people are mostly dudes the ear cleaning chicks are usually like really small because they sit on you and

the thigh massage ladies for the most part and they all have different Color jackets to this is what my job is. Mm-hmm. So the thigh massage ladies are all milfs They're all they're all older and they're not all hot and some of them aren't even hot Then I saw one with a thigh massage jacket that was young and beautiful and I said hey Hey thigh massage thigh massage and she's like, ah uh she had a weird look and i was like what what what and then the old one that just gave me one comes and goes you don't want her and i was like no no i do and she goes first day doesn't know what she's doing like and you're like perfect perfect i want her and she goes no no no no and she goes you don't want her like i'll do it i'll

do it again i know what i'm doing and i go no no i want her she's like they start speaking in chinese and they go like okay and then all this shit i'm talking about the dreams came true they tell me to get up i go into a side room and she trains her on me i'm the guinea pig they never even look at me she's the the young ones like this she starts getting he's like no no and she starts yelling like this and they're having a fight arguing over my dick practicing giving me a handjob. And I'm like, this is the best day of my life. Wow.

I'm the guinea pig of the girl that gets trained on how to give a thigh massage. And you're in Macau. And I'm in Macau. You must have felt like you were in an Indiana Jones movie. I always feel like I'm in an Indiana Jones movie, but I'm always short round, you know? Like we're stepping on fortune cookie. That sounds incredible. That sounds like the craziest, freakiest experience ever.

It was amazing, and it was nothing close to sexual for them. I was just a fucking piece of meat. She was like, like this? No, no, no, no, like this. That's so amazing. I was like, I want this to go on forever and you know it's amazing so things like this happen and then and then i i have uh you say i say fuck i talk about this shit you know and it's like it's sort of like suicide to just keep openly talk about

but the freaky chicks that listen to me they hear me say a story like this and then they're like oh i'll fucking i'll do some shit to him that he's never. Why would you say it's suicide to talk about things like this? There was a girl that I really liked a long time ago when I did a different podcast called Kareem's Gone Bad, and I was considering, I've been single for eight years now, and I was considering dating her. Settling down.

And she goes, first thing was, no more podcast. Like, I can't be, like, with a dude that's talking about people practicing handjobs on his dick, you know? Which makes sense. You know, you don't want to be with. Right. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that, you know? So, you know, when I put all my shit out there, I have my own podcast, DVD ASA, where, you know, also as a porn star, but everyone else on the show, they don't want to share that shit. And that makes sense, you know.

They're not, you know. Yeah, but she knows who you are, you know. Right, right. I mean, you are who you are. You're a very interesting guy. The idea that everyone has to be uniform. Right, right. And then we all have to fit into the same pattern of control.

Well, what's happened is I've turned into, like, when guys look at a chick and they're like, she's a slut. You're a male slut? That's a chick you fuck, but you would never take home to your mom. That's how girls look at me now. I think some do, but some probably don't. Which I love. your mom that's how girls look at me now i think some do but some probably which i love don't they think that it's probably like a challenge to be the girl that cracks his his his mind open it's exciting to me because because this is what married guys this is what married guys say to me

don't you get sick of it dave no you know why they say don't you get sick of it they want you to join their misery well they and and i and i get it because i i know like some famous people that do fuck a lot and they say this shit like you're getting dangerously close to start sucking dick, you know?

What? It happens, you know? Listen, man, listen to me. This is the problem with married people.

This is coming from a dude who's married. Married people are much like people that want you to use the same cell phone service as them.

They're like, dude, why are you with Verizon? Okay, AT&T, you can answer your phone and they get like real passionate about it. They're like, dude, why are you with Verizon? AT&T, you can answer your phone. And they get real passionate about it. They want you to be miserable with them.

For whatever reason. And it's not a knock on AT&T. It's just an example. Whether it's Windows or PC. There's people that want you to use what they use. And people who are married are like, come on, dude. Why don't you just fucking get married, man? Become one of us. They have accepted this new stage of existence, and they want, for

whatever reason, everybody else to be exactly like them, or it becomes uncomfortable. Because I do the same thing. I go, why don't you just get divorced and come fuck all these girls with me? Take my sloppy seconds, you know? I got hit with a pussy bomb. Take some shrapnel, you know? Take my sloppy seconds. What a great sales pitch, Dave.

And you know what? I don't give a shit, dude. I'm in. I don't, you know? Take my sloppy seconds. What a great sales pitch, Dave. And you know what? I don't give a shit, dude. I'm in. You go first. I'll take sloppy seconds. This is a mess. This podcast is an M-E-double-S. Guys are like, ew, dude.

You're going to fuck a girl? I was like, you guys all go first. You can go first. You can take sloppy seconds. I'll go last. Wow. I'll eat Joe and Brian's cum out of a cup. I don't give a shit. I'll eat Joe and Brian's cum out of a cup. Oh.

I don't give a shit. How dare you. Spray some kind of scent in my song. How dare you. I'm not gay. I don't give a fuck. Well, that would, you know, I could see how some girls would have a problem with that. No, but Joe, I understand that because it's sort of true. They go, don't you get sick of that?

Another sex story? Another fucking quadruple handjob? Another, like, tongue? that another sex story another fucking quadruple hand job another like tongue i have a problem with people that have a problem with people that don't get tired of shit like why do you care people have called me a misogynist i love love women i love them and i'm not sick of it every time i have sex again it's i i can see the feelings of maybe I'll get bored of this one day but in eight years I have it but why why is that a point of concern for you if you're a happy person if life truly is a temporary existence and if you are a good person and you are you're a

very nice guy right so aren't those well those bases are covered then why what what difference i'm gonna do some i'm gonna do some asian math for you oh jesus i'm 80 happy 80 of my life i'm happy with how i'm living it what i'm doing 20 of my life is miserable that's i i look at married people i go i want that i look at this and that but i go at the end of the day when I do the math part, the Asian math part, I'm like, my life is so fucking awesome. Whatever that next 20% to fill up that, to make it a 100%, whatever, has to be so fucking amazing that I'm going to fucking risk what I have right now. So there's parts of my life that I'm like, oh, shit, I don't have a wife. I don't have kids that say I love you, dad, shit like that. But you know what? 80%, pretty good. Don't have to give that, shit, you know, I don't have a wife. I don't have kids that say I love you, Dad, shit like that. But you know what? 80% pretty good.

Don't have to give that up to, you know. But you don't know, Dave. You don't know the love of a child. That's some shit. I know, but you also don't know the love of two fucking women fighting over your dick that don't speak English. You know? Like, so. This is what I think.

Either or. Right. it doesn't matter and the real problem is people want it to be the way they're living and you know what who gives a shit i don't say never you know when someone goes hey dave are you gay i go not yet i don't know i might be one day so i might be married one day people go are you gonna get married and i used to say no i'm never getting married but i might one day i don't i don't know if i, you know. Dude, there's nothing wrong with anything you're saying. But here's the thing that I do see with guys that fuck a lot. Is they get into, you know, this, that, the group sex, the anal, threesomes. Then it goes to trannies, shemales.

What? Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, point at me. For real? Trannies is derogatory. It is now, Wyatt. Or TS. Transgender.

Dude, I got attacked by the transgender. Yes, me too. Tranny is like saying nigger or jab or you say T-S or trans or transsexual. T-S. Like, you know when midgets get mad for, it's little people or what's midget? F-S with a T-S. I don't know. So, but, you know't know so but you know

you keep you know it's when you catch Hugh Grant or Eddie Murphy and they're with like a weird look it's cause they've already fucked Elizabeth Hurley they've already fucked

the hottest supermodels and then they want something else you know so I understand that too and people are like Dave the path you're on

you're gonna start letting guys suck your dick just for fun just to feel the stubble on your balls, you know? You're getting there, and I'm like. It's possible, right? It is possible. Anything's possible, man.

I see fucking blue snakes in this room right now. As your friend, I would say it's possible, and I would say don't worry because it's not the worst thing that can happen to you. Right. There's a lot worse shit. But I'm going to bring all this shit back to Mexico. So this is what's going on in my life. And people tell me shit about the red rope.

But I get to Mexico. I'm not there to fuck. I'm there to paint. But you know the thing about love? The funny thing? The thing about love? You never know when it's going to hit, right? You should be a...

I can see you entering through bead doors. Remember those bead doors that they used to have when you would buy porn when you were a kid? Yeah. In Mexico, I painted with one of the last living Mexican surrealists, Pedro Fredelberg, which was an amazing experience. What is his actual name? Pedro Fredelberg. Pedro Fredelberg. He's amazing.

He's old school. He's like 80 years old still drinks like mezcal smokes and just we just sat and painted but i also met the greatest comedian of all time of all fucking joey diaz uh no no not joey diaz is funny but this this is on some next level what's this guy's name again? Pedro? Fredo Berg. Fredo? F-E-R-D. He's a Jewish Mexican.

That's hilarious. I'm looking him up. Oh, there he is. He's like the MC Escher of Mexican art. So I'm painting with him for the show. I'm painting my own shit. And you never know when love's going to hit you. So I meet this girl in Mexico, my mexican girlfriend my friends love calling her that and uh she doesn't have a phone that i can text her so we have a super like wb dawson's creek kind of relationship where she lives

two blocks from my studio and to contact me she has to throw rocks or lighters or sticks at my window. That's beautiful. So I'm like, cool. This is what it feels like to be a normal person. Every morning I wake up and I have a job to paint the show. It's not like, oh, next week I'm going to be in Cambodia. Next week. It's like every day I'm painting.

So that feels regular. And now I have this chick that really likes me. She's an architect. I like her. And this is what it feels like to have a girlfriend you know so I'm like cool and she's super busy so she doesn't have that much time for me anyways and we didn't have sex right away I really liked her and she did this weird move that we talked about on our show all the time which is black people when they have sex with Asa they never take their shoes off or their socks off.

They need traction. It's a weird thing. Like, she says they'll even take their pants off and their shoes to take the pants off and then put the shoes back on. They want to be able to fuck with, like, a lot of force behind it. And she was the same way. She's like, I won't take my socks off the first time we did it. The lights were off.

She's like, I'm not taking my socks off. I'm like, oh, like black guys. And she goes, no, like Woody Allen. And I go, oh, I don't. to take my socks off the first time we did it. The lights were off. She's like, I'm not taking my socks off. I'm like, oh, like black guys. And she goes, no, like Woody Allen. And I go, oh, I don't, stop saying that.

So I'm fucking her and the whole time she's like, like Woody Allen, like Woody Allen. I'm like, stop saying Woody Allen. And so, I really like this girl.

I'm starting to, you know, this is a joke that I've killed but I keep saying. It's the worst STD you could possibly catch. Feelings. So, I like her. How dare you. Yeah, and it's the worst std you could possibly catch feelings uh so i like her and yeah and uh it's going good and all of a sudden the show became a relationship advisor

david cho and one night because she loves drinking she's a hard drinking mexican sloppy we're having sloppy sex and she goes you like my little piece and i go i what and she goes uh i have a little piece i go and her english isn't perfect so i go i don't know what you're saying right now and she goes it's really shy and it doesn't come out all the time and i go what and she goes you know like a little penis and i go and the thing is every every night every day that i painted in mexico my hands are caked in paint right and i would come home and i'd scrub them so she would let me finger her you know and girls you know joe you know how many urinary tract this podcast is the greatest thing that's ever happened in my life joe you know how many urinary tract infections these hands have given

i know now i i I cut my nails. I scrub them. Even with the scrubbing, I get some paint on still. But if I'm painting a giant mural like that, I'm going for it. My hands are covered in paint. And then the chemicals you use to take the paint off as well, right? Doesn't that linger in the skin? Exactly.

So I go home and I spend hours cleaning my hands because I want a finger. Could you get a chick drunk with turpentine? I'm sure you can. It seems like that would absorb in the skin yeah yeah that guy's weird clean that guy's a weird guy stupid don't say shit like that just if you just stopped and thought about half the shit you said just cut out half of them you'd be amazing you'd be like the greatest podcast sidekick of all time so right now you're number two what what do you get number one what do you do from that joe you you started having sex with a girl you really like she doesn't speak perfect english and i don't know and she tells

you in the middle of the night she has an extra piece that only comes out sometimes uh you would have to really decide how much you liked her i really did like her and so what difference does it make i've seen i've had a girl that's had that. What does it mean? She said it, and immediately my brain goes, oh my. Transgender. Transgender. That's what you thought.

She said it, and immediately my brain goes, oh my God, I'm going to lose my boner right now. I'm like, I'm with a guy. But it only got harder. So I don't know what that's. It means you're a savage. You're enjoying the real primalness. I tried to laugh it off. The rawness of the experience. I was like, what that's like. It means you're a savage. You're enjoying the real primalness. I try to laugh it off. The rawness of the experience.

I was like, what are you talking about? Like, I try to, like. And then you came like a fucking rhino. And as soon as she says it, I go for the fingers. I'm searching. And she goes, it's shy. It doesn't come out all the time. I go, my brain is thinking as soon as she walks out that door, I'm going to Google hermaphrodite.

Is that even how it works that a penis is inside the vagina? My dick is inside her vagina. She has a dick in there. Our dicks are rubbing right now. Her little dick is going into my dick. Well, it's not. Most likely it's an enlarged clitoris, right? No, no.

Her clit was fine. I looked at the clit. She said it was inside. Most likely it's an enlarged clitoris, right? No, no. Her clit was fine. You know? I looked at the clit. She said it was inside and it doesn't come out all the time. Wait a minute. And she seemed... Is this a real thing?

Did you, like, look this up, like, in medical journals? I looked it up. I couldn't find a picture of that, but I don't... What did you look up? I've been with a girl that's like that. Hermaphrodite.

So this is a hermaphrodite. Hey, Joe, I've been with a girl that's like that. What it is, it's like this, like, right on the top of the penis, there's some girls have this little thing that comes out, and it looks like a little baby kid's finger. No, maybe that's a clitoris. That's just an enlarged clitoris. I've seen women who have enlarged clitoris.

Where it comes out. Yeah, and it looks like a little penis. But this is not that. She had a normal clitoris, and I'm searching. I don't – and here's the thing. It's a weird thing to say someone to someone during sex. Right. It's a weird thing.

That's how you're going to bring it up. You're going to bring it up now. So listen, bitch, don't pretend you ain't enjoying this sweet boy pussy. But let's be honest. This is a lot of things. And it's a weird thing to say. This is many things. You enjoying the shit out of it, bitch?

She's constantly fucking herself. And she's like, oh, your dick got harder. Yeah, I guess, right? I'm going to look for images, human hermaphrodite. Did you find it? Did you taste it? Whoa, it's very odd. I don't want to see what you're looking at right now.

It's not what I thought it is. That's fascinating. And because I overanalyze everything, I start thinking, am I gay now? And there's a little liberating feeling. I'm like, yes, finally, I'm gay. There's nothing about this girl. Let me see her face. Brian, there's nothing about this chick that's male.

She's a beautiful girl. She's cute. That might be a little hot then i'm like i found the perfect man woman because the tentacle well i hang out with my guy friends all day and i go on bro dates and i'm like man i wish you had a pussy wow that is just so weird to say well it's i don't know if i would keep eating you're on a lunch date and you're like i might need my I need my energy To fight this dude off I don't know what the fuck's Going down next Joe you don't have guy friends Let's go

I could rape you if I wanted No Greg Greg Fitzsimmons Has a very funny joke About if he was trapped On a deserted island And he'd get to pick his wife Or one of his friends

Right He would go I would take a guy Here's this great joke It's fucking funny And he's like Because we would just laugh, we'd go in the woods and jerk off, and then

we'd just be hanging out with each other. He goes, if it was my wife, it would be like, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. I'm not doing that bit justice, by the way, Greg. Sorry, I'm paraphrasing. Pick a guy, and you have to be bigger than him, in case that day comes when you want to rape your friend, also. Why would you rape your friend?

If you were really friends, you'd jerk each other other off that's true no just trapped on an island together i'd jerk you off is it good but hold a butthole just touching buttholes uh it's not as gay but it's all gay you're all naked you're trying to come it's gay you should just if you were like at that point we like rubbing buttholes and you're telling a chick like look baby i mean we were on that island for 10 years the worst i did is rub buttholes with him. She'd be like, why don't you just suck each other off? Who cares? You're trapped on an island. He pooped into my butt, I pooped into his butt. Forever. If you were, I mean,

it's not just whether or not, how long would you hold out in prison? Would you want to hold out? Would you want to hold out? It's an amazing skill to have to just send your mind somewhere else, you know? The whole thing, if you're getting raped and you just want to go somewhere's not we're not even talking about rape we're just talking about gay sex like you blowing your buddy because you're both just collecting coconuts for the rest

of your life on this deserted island occasionally one of you gets a boner well come on man can you just pretend you're a girl bro i fucking love you i saved you from that snake first of all you right-handed or left-handed i'm right-handed but i use my left hand for a lot of things well i'm left-handed and i jerk off with my left hand, so we could do side-by-side. And also, but the thing is... Did you do that from holding an iPad with your right? You get really good with the iPad.

Oh, I'm amazing. I'm like Tom Cruise in the fucking Minority Report. But I just close my eyes, and I just try to pretend like it was my dick. Okay. I'm drinking off my... It would be like doing The Stranger, when you sit on your hand and you make it go numb. I would just pretend I was a girl for five minutes.

Jesus Christ, how hard would it be? Why would you just fuck a coconut? Just put some hot oil in your hand and jerk your friend off. I'm a pretty girl. Jesus Christ. It's not gay. You're helping each other out. You're both trapped.

Is it gay to get a massage? I used to think it was gay to get a massage by men. Yes. Until I realized that... It is gay until they stick their fingers in your butthole. I'm a manly man and I desire, I need hard massages. I can't just get a regular massage because I'm thick. Well, I know a couple of Thai girls that would take care of you.

You don't ever go to a guy. No, trust me, dude. They can't do it. I get, I go through these tortured deep tissue massage sessions that you need like a really strong dude to do. I just, I'm in pain right now because i got a thai chick to just destroy me last night oh really i mean she i was crying i was like what is that what stuff oh she probably wouldn't make me cry though because you're a real man take

it you're a manly man i'm a savage when it comes to thai massages no they're when they step on your back especially that's that is pretty intense shit i went to uh one once and this lady was standing on either side of my back, and she had her hands clamped on my wrist and had my arms, like, stretched back, and she was just walking up and down my back, and I was like, wow. Like, this lady's probably done this a thousand, million times. She just had it down. It was almost like a jiu-jitsu move.

Right. Like, you get really good at a triangle, and then you lock it in tight, and you're just strong in that position. That's how she was with this crazy arm thing. When's the first time you got a massage by a guy? Like years ago? A long time ago. First time was this Mexican dude who worked for one, I think it was a Mexican boxing team.

But you had the conversation in your head, right? You're like, it's not gay. I don't give a shit. No, no. He wasn't gay. He was a married dude. No, no. I'm saying for you, you're like.

We fucked a couple of times, but it was just because I owed him money. No, no, no. You had had massages by women, and you had made up your mind, it's not strong enough. Actually, no. I need a man to do it. Actually, no. I'd never had a massage by a woman. I'd never had a massage, period.

Oh, okay. And this guy was shocked that I was a competitive athlete, and then I never had a massage. And then I had done all this martial arts competition and everything, then I never had a massage. And then I had done all this martial arts competition and everything and I never had a massage. When I was young, like my approach to nutrition and vitamin supplementation and all that, it was really kind of crappy. Right. You know?

And so I never got massages when I was competing. I never did any of that shit. Right. So this one dude who was a friend of a friend who had a problem with his shoulder is like, I'm telling you, man, this dude like changed the way my body moved like he's it doesn't feel good it fucking hurts right but when it's over like everything just sort of snaps and flows and moves good it just he loosens you up and he had this happy ending no happy ending but he had this way of uh it was like uh i think it's called a uh pressure release or point release or something

like that style of massage where you would just fuck trigger release they would just pinch down on these muscles and pull it across and it fucking hurts man it's similar in a way to rolfing have you ever had that done yeah you know rolfing is another like really brutal form of uh i've had it all man that stuff's great, though. That stuff, if you work out a lot, it's like really good. I had that conversation with myself, too, like years ago when I lived in New York. There's a Russian bathhouse like on the Lower East Side. It's like a schvitz and all that shit.

And I was like, shit, I feel like shit, I should get a massage. And they're like, do you care? There's only guys. And I was like, at that point, I'd only gotten a massage from women. I'm like, what the fuck do I care? There's only guys. And I was like, at that point, I'd only gotten massage from women. I'm like, what the fuck do I care? It's not sexual. And it's like, guys. Cut to.

Well, it's like I had a problem of getting boners every time I got a massage, no matter what, just because I loved someone touching me like that. So I had the, you remember the Seinfeld where George is like, I think it moved? Yes. So I'm like, I don't even want to mistakenly get a boner. But I was like, whatever. It was like an old Eastern European guy. Bunch of Fedor-looking dudes.

Not your type? I'm like, whatever. What did he look like? He was like an old man. If you had to compare him to a movie star? Is he in your spank tank? Ben Gazzari. He looked like Ben Gazzari.

Ben Gazzari? Who the hell is that? What, are you watching indie films? Yeah. Hanging out with your friends, pretending shit's still black and white? Yeah. No, he's an actor. I think he was Vincent Gallo's dad in Buffalo 66.

Oh, my God. That was obscure. That was supposed to be a good movie. It is Buffalo 66. It's about gambling. Ben Ghazari? Yeah. Is he in your spank bank?

Wait. Why do you want this visual right now? I don't know. trying to oh ben gazzara yes oh that guy's a bad motherfucker yeah so i'm like a lot of shit so i'm like i'm not gonna get a boner during a ben gazzara massage oh yes you would i would if it was ben gazzara just out of respect and also i hadn't gotten a lot of massages where i take all my clothes off. I always, like, leave my boxers on or something. So I get in the room and he's like. Oh, he's dead. He goes, take your clothes off. And I'm like, all right, whatever.

And then he puts the oil on and he starts massaging my butt. And the butt is the exclamation point on his massage. It's shoulders back to butt. Calves back to butt. And I go, hey, you know, butt calves back to button. Yeah You know butts not that sore doesn't doesn't really like it's cool Like thanks, and then he just started kneading my butt and started talking about how he misses home Oh And I was like, I was like, dude, you gotta stop touching my ass man. I'm over it

Like please stop doing that and then he kept doing it. I was like, all right He kept doing it. you told him to stop well he was in a zone like just talking to himself like pretending like it wasn't happening and he was ready to suck your dick i was like all right and that was the last time how many decks you think you probably sucked that week him or me that guy oh uh it's probably his move man yeah i don't know i miss home the only way to get away from this miss is penis and mouth come on i just had the worst massage thing i'm i think i'm done now i was in santa monica and it was like i was trying to think carefully if you want to say this on the air oh yeah yeah it's fine but uh i was actually thinking like i'll just get a legit massage this

place was open really late though and it but it looked really nice outside you know so i was like uh are you open and i think they might have just sent the last girl home because i saw this pretty decent looking girl walk out the side door and then what time is it uh 9 30 you know it's really for the most part no legit massages happening after 9 30 yeah well i was like most massage places close down around nine you know yeah but this was right down the street from boa So I'm like, all right, it can't be too crazy. Right? All right, so I Go in and this really old fat Asian lady was there and I was like, are you open and she's like, oh, yeah Yeah, so I go in the room and I now just always take my all my clothes off

I don't even keep boxers on all the time now just in case if you know, the girls really hot that's cool You know, but I just wanted a real massage and then she walks in wearing like a dress no underwear nice and like cut really short and just fat and old like like a grandma old like i'm and she was dressed up like totally changed clothes i heard somebody go to the bathroom so that means she went into the bathroom washed herself you know and stuff like that cuz she smelled like this perfume and then she she gets on top of me removes the towel gets on top of me and just kept on bouncing like I hurt vagina was like on my butthole like it was just like oh she's like on yeah I mean just bouncing and it's just like not really massage or anything I don't

think so I think I don't. Nice. I was freaked out. And so I was just like, plate dead, plate dead, plate dead. Like, don't even, like, don't make a noise. I'm thinking, like, I hope she, like, really gets off me. If she just would start massaging me. So suddenly she starts rubbing her hands on my back and her, she had calluses or something. Nice. Because it just scratched.

Nice. And it was, it hurt, though. Like, it felt like she was, like, stabbing me. Like, hurry. Pussy. Like, so I'm just like, ah she was stabbing me, like, hurry. Pussy. So I'm just like, ah, ah. And then she flips me over eventually and stuff like that. Is there any point where you're like, I'm going to just leave right now?

No, because I didn't want to be rude. And I thought she was kind of trying. And then she started playing with my butt and stuff. A lot of places give you prostate massages, and I'm trying to tighten it up. That's one of the funniest statements anybody can ever say. A lot of places give you prostate massages. No, it's pretty popular. Compared to what?

I'm really good now at what you said. When uncomfortable shit like that, I would be bad at leaving. But now I walk out of movies. I walk out of massages. Oh, really? You just get up? I'm not into this anymore, and I just get up and I leave. I should have done now I walk out of movies. I walk out of massages. Oh, really? You just get up? I'm just, like, I'm not into this anymore. And I just get up and I leave.

I should have done that. Yeah, it ended really bad. And then when she flipped me over, she just kept on, like, touching my dick. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, like this and stuff like that. And then she finally gave up and then left and then came in and watched me. Gave up like you didn't get hard for her? No, I couldn't. Shut up.

No, seriously, I didn't. I was so grossed out. I was, like, freaked out. I had my eyes closed. How many times have you been back? I've never eyes closed. How many times have you been back? I'll never go back to that. How many times have you jerked off thinking about it? Never.

She's not in my spank bank. It was too gross. My spank bank. There's a massage place by my house. Which one? Listen, let's not name names. No, no, no. I don't want to get anybody in trouble here.

I live in Koreatown. Oh, cool. And I've been going to this place for over 10 years. Do they have young girls? No, it's not a sex place. It's a complete legitimate massage place. And like Joe, when I go to a place when it's some white chick or something, it's not a good massage. You go to the Thai place or you go to the Korean place where they look like your mother, they fucking rip your shit up, dude.

They go fucking crazy. Like, you know, they give you, they get in there. They stand on your back. They pound your shit. And, yeah, afterwards you feel all svelte and nice and flowy, whatever. Gio's boxing gym in Burbank, there's a massage parlor that's connected to it. Dude, dude, dude, dude. No, no, no.

That's good, legit massage. Legit massage. So this is a place I've been going to for 10 years. Not that much, but every time I know that I just want a regular massage, I know that some chick that looks like my mom or my aunt is going to give me a great massage, and then I'm done. But I haven't been back for a few years. I moved to New York, whatever.

And my way of dealing with that whole thing with me puking before going on shows is I started getting massages. And like hard ones. I'm like, it has to be a hard, deep tissue. And I was like, I'm going to go back to that place. And so I already told this story, but I'll tell it quick. It's the same story as yours. It's 930 or 10. They're not ugly, but they're just older. And it's 9 30 or 10 all the the you know they're not ugly but they're just older and it's

just the mama song the she's like i'm like oh i'll just come back and she's like no no just come come in and i'm like okay never once even thought that i was gonna get a handjob you know i get in there she comes in and then i'm like oh fucking lady, the receptionist is giving me. I'm like, all right, cool. Amazing massage. Cracks my neck. Cracking sounds back. Just fucking doing it.

And then, you know, she flips me over and starts jerking me off. And I'm like, oh, that's what I thought. When I came in, it was always like a $40 massage place, like a cheap Korean massage. And then it was $75 now or something like that. I was like, what? A $30 increase? And like, what the fuck is that? That's a bargain and a half though.

If you're like, what could they be doing different? Maybe it's an incense tax. Maybe it's scented candles that they have to pay. She flips me over and she goes like, like she just does a couple of ball flicks. Like, do you want this? And I was like, I was like, no, but I was like, yeah. You were like, no, but you were like, yeah. Yeah.

And you were like 12. Yeah, exactly. And I'm like, there's, and I was like, Brian, I was like, there's no way I'm going to get hard. But because she's a professional. Yeah, she's good. Whatever she did, lots of hot oil. Wow.

I'm like, whoa. And then I'm pretty sure this is a massage parlor faux pas the thing the bell from someone else coming in hello is someone in here she goes okay wait so mid jerk mid jerk she stops and i hear you know it's like a small place so i hear their whole conversation he's like hey is uh rachel or jenny working tonight he's like no everyone go home uh wait uh 10 minutes uh maybe five minutes and i and i get and the guys you could tell he's like no i think i'll come no no stay i give you a discount i give you a ten dollar discount and he's like and i'm sitting there and my bone is just going and i'm like because you're seeing her actively

be rejected it's bad on both fronts and just and just like i got a break i'm like i could cut out right now right right i'm like i should leave and then the negotiation is like he's one foot out the door he's like i don't know he's like no no no come in i'll be done in five no three minutes i'll be finished three minutes and like i'm like i'm gonna get up okay i'm gonna i'm gonna like count to ten in my head right now. Ten, nine. When I get to one, I'm going to walk out the door. So I start sitting up, and then the guy's like, I'm going to go. And he left, and she runs back in, and she goes, lay down.

And I go, okay. So I lay down, and now I'm deflated. I'm like, I said, it's okay. I'm just going to go. And she goes, no, no, no. And she starts up again, and now she's just playing with my wet noodle. It's like there's too much thought in and and i go stop right there is there a sadder moment in life no it's tugging on your dick and you don't want them yeah i'm like it's it's done

it's it's cool she go this lady's fate and it's a dark room she doesn't give a she's a trained trained assassin she wasn't even worried for a second she was okay okay she reaches up behind her and tears a piece of saran wrap and i go what's gonna happen now i don't know what this is right now and she fucking like put some shit on my ass some lube and she's like puts the saran she she holds my legs up like this and taps my legs like like hold your legs and i'm like okay so i'm holding my legs like this and i go I don't know what's gonna happen right now but I'm going for it she puts the saran wrap over my butthole and I go she's gonna lick my ass right now like through the saran wrap to this

day besides the part where when I was a kid then I put a vacuum cleaner on my butthole I've never felt this before she didn't stick her tongue into my butthole she sucked my butthole she put her lips around my butthole and sucked and i was like never felt that before whoa dick gets hard immediately a few seconds just you shot a load without even jerking off yeah no she jerked me off but it was like how much time between her putting the saran wrap over your butthole and you shooting a load? How much time? 15 seconds to put the saran wrap. Oh, my gosh.

Five seconds to shoot. Oh, my gosh. She was – You just got hard immediately? Like, I was like – I've heard of girls putting their finger up a guy's butt and licking it. Right. She sucked the butthole.

She sucked my butthole. So I am filled with so much shame. I'm like, I'm like, she's like, and, you know, she just throws a towel on me. She's like, okay, cool. Oh, my God. And I'm like, you know, does this lady, when she goes to the supermarket and she buys the saran wrap, does the lady know what she's going to use it for? When she brings it home and the kids are like, Grandma, why do you buy so much saran wrap every week? Oh, my God.

I go in the car and I go, I can never talk about this day. And then I told her. What? How dare you? How do you even lie to yourself like that? Well, unlike Brian, I've been back like several times now. And where is this again? They hit hard times, you know.

It went from a totally legit place to... Suck on asshole with saran wrap place. You need to open your shit up a little more and quit judging so much, you know. Oh, he's not judging. Yeah, I had a horrible experience. He's just doing it for comedy's sake. Her hands hurt. She gave me zero massage.

If she gave me some kind of massage, I would probably... You have to be honest, man. Just because you had a good experience doesn't mean you can't accidentally wind up with a demon yeah we all know you can wind up with a demon that's true i had an old lady in uh pasadena she was soft hands it was nice don't say names or places she cried you could yeah brian she grinded on her butthole with her gilf-shaved pussy. You know, come on, man. Her what? Gilf. Grandma. Oh, grandma. Ugh.

That's so dark. So, Joe. So, Dave. We keep going on. First of all, that fucking story is one of the greatest stories I've ever heard in my life. I just got to tell you, it changed my way of thinking about you being single. I'm sweating right now. I'm nervous.

Here's the thing. It's like that experience was so important and so funny. And there's so few people that would express it with the same kind of honesty and glee that you do it with. That it's almost like a disservice to mankind if you decide to settle down. We have like a real hard time with that. And anybody who wants to stop your podcast is a cultural criminal. Well, this is what I see after traveling a lot. This is what I see in Chinese and Italian culture.

And it's like in this society, there's a lot of crying. Oh, my God, my husband cheated on me. It's like, yeah, that's just sort of what guys do. There's sort of almost like an acceptance in China and Italy where you got your guma and you got your wife. As long as your handjobs and girlfriend shit doesn't fuck with your family, it's almost like an understanding of the wife knows you're going to go get massage parlor handjobs or have a girlfriend. And it's like, just don't put it in my face.

You know? Like, you have a business meeting. You guys are all going to fuck hookers. Get it. But don't bring it back to me. But that's in a lot of European cultures as well, right? Like, the Prime Minister of France didn't openly have...

They're cool. I think Monica Bellucci said it about... I want to ask you about this. This is an important subject, I think. What do you think is the cause for... The sexual puritanism of America where people would judge you

on you being a nice person, you having fun and just having these experiences which are readily out there for a lot of people, that somehow or another it's perhaps, perhaps, what am I, a lecturer? Exploitative or that people would have a problem with the idea of using prostitution. But at the end of the day, you're not really hurting anybody.

Is that one of the most important issues to concentrate on? What is the reason why people do concentrate on it and get mad at you and judge you? And I think it has to be based on insecurity. It has to be based on the idea that more men found out what you're doing. Of course. They would want to do it too. Well, A, you had those sex at dawn guys in here. So there's a lot of like weird religious shit.

Christopher Ryan? The guys that wrote the sex at dawn?, so there's a lot of weird religious shit. Christopher Ryan? The guys that wrote the Sex at Dawn? Yeah, it's a guy. Right, right. Okay. And so I think a lot of it— Great guy, by the way. I think I owe him a phone call.

Okay, so I went to the extreme version of that. I just came back from Afghanistan, right? Uh-huh. And you're not supposed to judge other cultures, right? And I get there, and I'm staying with a guy who runs, like, all the networks in Afghanistan, Saad Mohseni. And he's letting us crash at his place. And everyone's like, oh, man, it's so backwards out there. Like, the girls, they wear the burqas, and you only see their eyes.

In Afghanistan, you don't even see the eyes. Wow. It's complete. You don't see. Like mosquito netting. You don't see flesh. Like ghosts. They it's complete you don't see like mosquito netting you don't see flesh like ghosts they wearing gloves the shit goes to the feet you don't see flesh at all the dudes what are they wearing flip-flops sweatpants they're chilling and it's like don't fucking touch

my girl don't fucking look at her and and you go back to this whole thing with insecurity. That's what it is. It's like, oh, if she cheats on you, if she talks to another guy, yeah, we stone her. We beat the shit out of her. It's like the reason why the Taliban has no problem getting female suicide bombers is because your life is miserable if you're a woman in fucking Afghanistan. You know, your husband beats you. And if you go to the police station to complain then the fucking police beat you for complaining and it's just like we had two girls

that are westerners so they didn't have to wear the full burqa but they still had to cover their hair and wear jeans and long sleeve shirts or whatever and they took us to they took me to a calligraphy school to check out that Arabic calligraphy school to check out that like like uh arabic like

calligraphy style i love that shit and they go hey if you if we go to the roof right now we could see the whole city it's a beautiful view i go cool let's check it out so they went up first and i was like drawing with some kid and then critter was with me and he's like dang get up here right now get up here and i'm like what we run up to the thing the two girls they were all standing on the ledge of the roof looking out at the whole city the junkyard tire shop below the guys working at the tire shop look up and see two white girls and they could see their face they start jerking off they pull their dicks off out and start jerking off and they saying? Like in a trance. And you're like, whoa, crazy, crazy.

It's like, think about how much pussy you already saw today without even trying. Turning on the TV, a Victoria's Secret ad, a billboard, you see flesh. You go to the supermarket, you go to fucking Whole Foods where the bitches are like wearing short shorts and sex is everywhere.

Think about being a horny, horny Arab kid, and then you see a fucking chick, just her face. They couldn't control themselves. And then they saw us, and then they stopped. But it was like they went into a trance. That's amazing. It was amazing. I was like, I never got so much joy watching another guy jerk off.

Those weird levels of intense religious control. It all goes back to sex. It all goes back to sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It all goes back to fucking. Well, whether it does or it doesn't, it's all about control, but when you see that control implemented on people, there's always a rebound from it.

There's some crazy reaction to it, some fanatical, explosive reaction to it. Right. Yeah, we have a very real, natural natural built-in response to someone trying to control us right and we either go with it full-heartedly and make it like it's our idea or we rebel against it and and we hate it and we go the exact opposite direction like catholic school girls who become sluts right no nothing wrong being a slut right slut's a bad word no slut shaming on the Joe Rogan experience.

I don't believe in sluts. I think there's people that do whatever the fuck they want to do. I'm just saying, I agree with you. This society is whatever. Every society has its problems. For me personally, I think if I were to ever get married, I don't want to get into some sick swinger shit or whatever, but I think I need to be with some European or something. Just hold out until they have robots

hold out until you can be monogamous the robots what's that shit you just showed me the oscillious rift shit oculus rift don't buy that don't buy that I'm not going to it's going to ruin your life until I know that I have to go to the mountains and fucking put up a high fence to keep the fucking crazy people out

I have some of those robots like the shittier ones and they're in my closet. Every time someone's like, this is the next best thing, I buy it with that thought. When I go to the mountains and everyone's dead, at least I'll have this. But I don't open the plastic because I know it'll ruin my life.

That's too freaky right now. When you're dealing with things like rubber vaginas or fake boxes that you stick your dick into and they gyrate. You know it's fake. Even though it's enjoyable, it's a pleasurable sexual experience, it's removed from the sexual experience of having sex with a real woman.

That's not going to be the case 50 years from now. 50 years from now, they're going to have robotics down to the point where they can have a real, bonafide, artificial woman who's warm and feels fucking amazing and is the hottest chick you've ever seen on the planet Earth. And you can have 10 of them in a warehouse charging by solar.

But that will help overpopulation, don't you think? Well, it'll help a lot of things. But overpopulation is most certainly a bad thing. But one of the worst parts about it is that there's a depletion of resources and this sort of diminishing of the value of about it is that there's a depletion of resources and this sort of diminishing of the value of a human being when there's too many people. I think about LA and I think about a lot of places and it's one of the worries that I have about China is the volume. And I think my personal experience is I've lived in small towns and I've

lived in really big places. I've seen there's a different way that human beings treat each other when they don't see each other as often. There's less of them. They have more camaraderie. There's a number that becomes unmanageable. I don't know what that number is. I think we've passed it. In Los Angeles, we certainly have passed it.

Hurry up, doctors, with that rubber fake robot pussy. Make that shit quick. I don't think it's doctors. Or scientists or whatever. Yeah, scientists and inventors and modelers and people who are making art. But in the same way, people, like adults, get weird when they find out how obsessed kids are with video games. They're like, we had Pac-Man. I'm like, okay, look.

What's Grand Theft Auto on right now? Five? Yeah. When it was on two or three, you're like, wow, because you're like a guy running through a city and it feels like virtual reality. But like you said, the guy still looks a little pixelated and the facial features, you know, they do like the stubble, but it looks still like a computer. I don't know what this says about me, but like when I would kill hookers in Grand Theft Auto you'd feel bad the bodies don't disappear as long as you keep shooting them so I would just stand over the hookers

and keep shooting their vaginas oh my god you shouldn't admit to that well my little nephew walked in because there was a time when I got out of prison and I didn't have a place to live so I stayed with my cousin

and I would play like Mickey Mouse and the little kid video games. And then when they went to sleep, I'd play Grand Theft Auto. And he snuck in my room one day. And you know when someone's in the room, and you know someone's in the room, but you didn't hear them? So I stopped for a second, and I turned around. I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, what are you doing, Uncle Dave? And I was like, come in, be quiet, don't tell your mom.

How old is this kid? He's like six years old. He's ready. He was old. He's ready. He was ready. He's ready to see Hookers. But they're like, wait till next one and the next one. I'm like, video games? In the next 10 years, you'll be you.

It'll look exactly like you. There'll be no glitches where it looks like a computer. And so if you're in the game raping, killing, pillaging, that's gonna fuck with your head even more like when i played grand theft the second third one i'd after a day of just killing non-stop i'd walk outside and just feel weird you know but at least i knew it was still a video game brian there were some images that somebody posted in the uh duncan trussell thread um on the rogan board about another new technology

that was akin to the NVIDIA technology that looks absolutely insane. I believe it's from Activision. See if you can find that, if you can pull those images up. Because what they're doing, the virtual is going to be really intense. I can't wait for that robot pussy.

Yeah, the robot, the physical. Red ribbon robot pussy. The physical carbon-based, artificially created robot. What's her face? What was that girl's name in Blade Runner? Who was it? Oh, Daryl Hannah?

Yes. Look at that. That looks crazy. That's incredible. I mean, it's, yeah. Dude, I met Daryl Hannah in 1994 at Cantor's Deli in LA. And she was so incredibly normal. Like just a normal chick hanging out with her friends.

Her friends were totally normal. And for me, it was a very educational experience. Because I never thought that some woman who's, first of all, an attractive woman. Second of all, a super famous... Splash? Yeah. Super famous actor, right? And she could attractive woman. Second of all, a super famous... Splash? Yeah, super famous actor, right? And she could be with a couple of her friends. I think it was two guys and another girl.

And I could be with a couple of our friends. And they were sitting next to us and invited us to talk to them, just engaged us. Right. Like, they were doing some game where you name the state and what's the capital or what's the state motto. That's what it was, what the state motto. And they were, like, engaging us were like engaging us come on help out like we we like they were like friendly super friendly like any normal person who you could sit next to if you were in a booth by you know yeah and that was cool it was really cool it was it was really cool because it was like oh

these these like movie star people they're just fucking people man they're just fucking people that uh someone turns a camera on to. But that's not going to happen when we all fuck robots. And the robots are going to know all the answers anyways. Her character in Blade Runner. Sacramento. Her character in Blade Runner was fucking badass, dude. She was the number one robot for that crazy little dude.

I love that movie. Oh, that movie was good. That movie was so fucking amazing. And that movie was badass because of that Shawn Young chick. She was hot, too. God damn, she was hot, dude. Not just hot, but like hypnotic. There was like something about her.

Yeah, she had that look with her hair and everything. Her eyes, man. There was like a perceived innocence or something like that to her as this robot character that was just brilliant, man. Damn, my memory's going to shit. Dude, Blade Runner's all-time great movie. When I was younger, I got a weird job with Sean Young, and I can't remember it now. You had a job with her? Like some weird movie.

I can't remember it now. And you know what happened to her, man. She kind of went off the rails. Yeah, what happened to her? She went off the rails. It was too much pressure. of went off the rails yeah what happened to her she went off the rails she got it was too too much pressure be i think being a famous movie star it's got to be so being a famous guy like you or it's a famous artist you're famous kind of for being crazy you can and you know the amount of

like mainstream tmz type pressure you get is very non-existent or minimal you just enjoy it you enjoy it you just you just like but that tom Cruise shit? Right. Like, where she was at? Right, right, right. She was at that... Sean Young was in, like, all the... That's her name, right? Sean Young? Yeah, yeah. She was in, like, that movie with Kevin Costner. Right.

What was that movie? She was in a gang of fucking movies, man. She was a big-time movie star. And there's more pressure for women, because it's like... Way more. You have a window to just do all this shit, and then... You have a window to do all this shit in and there's a freak out of being this one person that all these people are focusing on that is so completely unnatural you are complete

you're you're supercharging your system it's like putting a blower on a mustang and revving the engine much higher than it's supposed to go it's like stay the fuck away from actresses bro like that's that that's uh i would never generalize like that because i've met like a lot of really cool actresses that i love being friends with. But as far as dating them. Yeah, friends is fine. I don't want to date anybody who's anything like me. I don't want to date anybody who's even remotely as crazy as I am.

That's what I'm saying. So when I date a chick that she's like, you've got to quit the podcast. I'm like, fuck you, bitch. But then also that's sort of a good instinct. But there's people that it works out. Like Tom segura and his wife christina pozitsky do you know you know tom segura hilarious stand-up comedian and his wife is fucking brilliant like a really funny i gotta finish married and they're happy and it works i gotta finish telling you about the mexican comedian because he just brought us okay um i love what you're drawing right now, by the way.

My best drawing. So I told you I met the greatest comedian ever in Mexico. That's not possible. I'll tell you. And you fucking tell me. Okay. So I'm fucking my Mexican girlfriend. And it's not like she's joking with me.

She's almost nervous to tell me this. It's like we're fucking and she's drunk and she's like, I have a little piece. Like, she was super nervous. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nervous. That was never resolved. Yeah, so I'm going to resolve it right now. Or, okay.

It was never resolved. You're correct. It was never resolved. And I'm analyzing this. I'm like, was she joking? No, because she was super nervous to even tell me. We fuck and I'm like, is that for real? Is that it?

Like, she falls asleep. I fall asleep. She's out. She's drunk. We fuck. She's out. And I'm like this, am I gay? Did I just fuck a hermaphrodite?

I don't sleep at all. The next morning, she has to get up early to go to work. I go, hey, remember that thing you said last night? She's like, what? She's like, you know, you said something last night. And she's like, I got to go. She like runs out. And I'm like, whoa, no closure, no whatever.

And I had three or four days left in Mexico, you know? And I was like, I need to find out if I'm gay now. This should be on Vice. Why is this not? Why haven't you written this for Vice? Because I'm telling you right now. So then every day. So we fucked like every night until I left.

And every night. Fucking savage. She always says, turn the lights off. Never leaves the lights on. Always leaves the socks on. Does she have dude feet and no no no won't let and won't let me finger her because of the paint and so well i got the paint on my hands oh paint paint so i'm scrubbing and i go look they're clean tonight she's like no

no don't think just fuck me and i'm like is it a thing that comes out like this like alien yeah there's so many questions i go i go hey that thing the extra piece was that a joke she's like and her face turns red like don't bring it up and i'm like i'm with a fucking hermaphrodite wow this is crazy and you didn't go down on it right you didn't ever go no i went down dude i went searching bro i wanted answers you know i try go deep. I try to get the answers. Damn, son. Never got the answer. Okay.

No closure. Look, dude, you got to do what you got to do. In certain situations, you just got to back out and count your losses. This is two months ago. But you really liked her. I really like her. Still talk to her. Can't stop thinking about her. So she just doesn't want to talk about that.

She doesn't want... And I accept it now. I love it now. I love that she's a guy. But it doesn't sound like she is a guy. She's a hermaphrodite. Did her pussy taste like pussy? It's delicious.

Well, what does it feel like? It feels different? Like guacamole. No, when you're actually having sex. No, it feels... When you make it love. It felt great. You know, she has a wonderful vagina.

She's a great girl. Didn't you say something like on your podcast that she's disconnected with sex, though? She was a little, she was a weird, she was a weird chick, you know? Okay, but what are you saying, though? This is what I'm saying. So this is two months ago. No closure. And in the two months, I've accepted that she's a guy or has male parts.

No problem. Wowza. And she avoids the thing and she's texting me last night she goes hey you know that little piece i told you about and i go yes yes finally closure she goes i was joking i go this is why she's the best comedian to fucking drop a line like that on a dude and tell the punchline two months later while he's racking his brain. I was like, you're a fucking genius comedian. That is amazing. You tell a joke that has a fucking punchline two months later?

Oh, my God. That is one possibility. Another possibility is she decided to tell you that it was a joke because you were pressing the issue and you wanted to talk about it a lot. I dropped it. And that was the best way for her. You understand that, though. It very well could have been a hermaphrodite. Not that there's anything wrong with a hermaphrodite.

But it's not like you did some sort of a chromosomal test. She told you something. You're right. And you declared her the greatest comedian ever. Or maybe it was a hemorrhoid. It could have been a hemorrhoid. Did they get them up, though? Listen. You can get a cyst. Listen, guys was a hemorrhoid. It could have been a hemorrhoid. Do they have them out there?

You can get a cyst. When her little dick went into my dick hole, it was the most amazing feeling I ever felt in my life. We just hit a low point. She easily could be a hermaphrodite. I just didn't want to talk about it. That's a good way to say, I was just joking. How do you deal with people, this is a good question for you,

that say they don't listen to you, but they do. They don't listen to you? Yeah, they go, I don't listen to your podcast. That's okay. But they know, but they do, and they, like... I don't care. You know? No, if you want to listen, listen.

If you don't want to listen, don't listen. Because I'm thinking... If you want to tell me you don't listen, you're either doing it once, you're either trying to inform me, like, I don't know what you do, like, just being normal, or you're being dismissive you know it's possible that you could say it like in a way that like david show i don't listen to your podcast right okay you know where you're like whoa like i wouldn't waste my time listening to you no but here's the thing i talked about this on my show and i'm thinking did she hear it and so that's why she called me yeah but

she doesn't she doesn't like follow me on Twitter or Facebook or any of this shit. And she really, you know. What sounds like it was a very strange thing for you and almost indicative of like life itself. Whether it was like itself is never perfect. Whether it was a joke or not, whether she really forgot to tell me the punch line or like whatever, whatever the case, I accepted it. Well, accepting it is there's definitely nothing wrong with that. But that's not the funniest comedian on the face of the earth. Come on, Joe.

That's pretty fucked up, though. You're having sex. It's most likely an excuse. But it's not most likely a joke. What if your wife, just out of tonight, just all fucking totally serious said, I used to be a guy. And you're like, what are you talking about? And then she didn't tell you the truth a month later that's pretty funny well I guess it could be I guess it could be funny you know if you were the right guy and she was right girl and she said it the right way I

guess it could be funny crying go I never ever told David Cho god damn it it also could be that she's lying to you she doesn't like to talk about it and she really is something like a hermaphrodite. It's possible too, dude. I mean, unless you're going to go in. Minovia, if you're listening out there, baby. Don't say her name. No, I just said sweetheart in Spanish.

Oh, there you go. Beautiful. Minovia, if you're listening, I hope you're not lying. Listen, it doesn't matter, man. I hope it wasn't a joke. Listen, you're not looking to have a family, are you? I can't wait. Are you looking to have a family right now?

I'm starting to think about having kids without the wife part. Like adopting or freezing my sperm and doing the whole surrogates or whatever. I don't know. Just freeze the baby. I think I'm starting to think about having a family. But, you know, like I said, gay or not gay, I hang out with a lot of dudes. And so, like, Critter, who I hang out with all the time, is like, fuck. You get a girlfriend, I'm going to have to have a girlfriend.

What? What kind of fucking logic is that? Because we hang out all the time. So I said, why don't we just share? You could get Monday, Wednesday, I'll get Tuesday, Thursday. Oh, you're such a sloppy seconds dude. No. You automatically offered up the first three days.

I'm like, you could get the pee hole. I'll take the bee hole. Come on, Joe. There's so many women right now that are so angry. No, we'll find out. This podcast is bullshit. I don't think I would have a problem, by the way, if the girl had a pussy boner. I don't think if she acted like a girl, she was beautiful.

You're such a pussy, bro. You couldn't even get hard for the grandma. Yeah she was beautiful. You're such a pussy, bro. You couldn't even get hard for the grandma. Yeah. Come on. I'm not a pussy, though. Like, if I, I mean, unless it came out. She went to the bathroom and cleaned up for you. Well, listen, man.

She put on a nice necklace. The bottom line is you were enjoying the experience until your perception of who she was in the whole male-female paradigm shifted. She became this oddity to you, like a damaged good. This is all, this is, no. Right? Right. Was that it? Right. Well well this is the thing i need a second and this is for like i didn't like avocados growing up i love i love them now me too it took me a second it took my mom's like eat this i go oh it's green it probably tastes like a watermelon it tastes like shit i love guacamole now uh i had uni sea urchin for the

first time i was like this is disgusting it's my favorite food now it took me a second i get to china the girls have thin mustaches i go what the fuck is that because they don't care about waxing and bleaching i go that's gross because it's not normal to me i'm in china for three months sort of into it like it now um i'm starting to have sex with arab women they have hairy asses whoa grossed out want to puke sort of into it now just give me a second you got a little dick inside your pussy gross give me one month to adjust i'm from america i was born in los angeles i live in western society i'm not used to dicks i'm not used to hairy asses i'm not used to mustaches but just i'm open-minded

give me a second to just open wider and accept your mustache your hairy ass your dick in your pussy just give me a second i'll eat avocado. I'll eat the sea urchin. You know? You weren't like, avocado tastes like shit. I'm never going to eat it again. It grew on you. It took a second. I hated it.

I spit it out. Well, I just realized it was just a texture issue. The actual taste of it was fairly bland. Right. And the fact that it has a lot of health benefits. But you're a kid and you want candy. You want watermelon. You want fruit that tastes good. Well,, it has a lot of health benefits. But you're a kid and you want candy. You want watermelon. You want fruit that tastes good, you know? Well, the problem is you find out about candy.

That's the real problem. You find out something that gives you this drug rush. Right. I mean, kids that get high on sugar, like have you ever seen kids eat cake? They turn into fucking demons. They go running around. I mean, they're on crank. That guy out there eats more candy than anybody.

He's crazy. He's not a kid. But he is sort of. But you know what I'm. It's crazy. He's not a kid. But he is, sort of. But you know what I'm saying? It's like, it's clearly a drug. Right. So of course they don't want to eat guacamole. Guacamole doesn't give them that drug.

Right. They want that drug that comes from those. I have a sophisticated palate. You know those fucking things that they do? Those powders? Those fucking things that kids eat where it's literally a tube of sugar? Pixie sticks. Pixie sticks.

You crack open the end and you just. The fun dip. It's drugs. of sugar. Pixie sticks. Pixie sticks. You crack open the end and you just. The Fun Dip. It's drugs. Nerds. Nerds rope. Crazy sugar drug. I still get Fun Dip. It's so bad for you too.

They say that sugar is just. For kids. Almost toxic. Sugar is just almost toxic for you. I know, but like I'm saying, like all these things, you know, I don't, what are you doing? Like, have you ever been with a chick with a, like a Middle Eastern girl with a hairy butt? Yes. And what did you do?

Well, it was back in the 80s. Right. People had hairy butts. It was a normal thing. What's worse is when they have catfish whiskers and in certain lights you can see it and you're like, ah. It's like, but see, what we're doing now is that episode of Seinfeld when he finds the one thing wrong, like the chick has the big hands or whatever, and it's like, you know, I had sex with this girl.

I go to the bathroom. We had sex in the dark, and I turn the lights on to take a piss, and I look out the bed, and she has a hairy ass. I'm like, I'm going to puke in the toilet while I'm pissing right now. And I go just slow down just accept that it's someone from another culture you know like women I sleep with a lot of women where I'm their first Asian and they do the oh you have no hair on your body I go yeah I'm Asian like we're not hairy people you know like it's like being with a girl. I'm like, cool. Whoa.

How rude. How rude. It's interesting how porn has completely triumphed in the area of pubic dressing. But it's back. It's coming back hard. It is a little bit, but it's just contrarianism. For the most part, people prefer a groomed area. It's because HD, you know? Maybe.

It was before that. There was some trimming done before that. They want to hire the bumps? Well, it was because when pornography became like really prevalent,

that's what it is. Pornography became really prevalent and then along the way, like people started like looking at the aesthetic of, you know,

male balls covered in hair that creeps all the way up to your asshole and girls with giant crazy bushes that go to the inside of their thighs, and they just decided to make alterations on porn.

And then people, whether they admit it or not, are massively affected by pornography. Oh, of course. And then the shift happened where, I mean, there's a good percentage of the population of this country at least that trims their hair basically based on the aesthetic that porn established. Definitely. Definitely. Right? Yeah. Definitely. Definitely.

Right? Yeah. It's weird. No. Because it's an untalked about thing. It's an undiscussed thing. It's a denied thing. It's like it's a darkness that we just like, meanwhile, they're getting billions of hits every day.

You trim your shit or you just let it grow out? Oh, I trim my shit. Well, I have to trim it too because it also gets caught in the hair and my balls gets caught in my cup. And if you're doing jujitsu- You know your shit's getting long when your ball hair gets stuck in your hair and my balls gets caught in my cup. And if you're doing jiu-jitsu. You know your shit's getting long when your ball hair gets stuck in your asshole hair. Oh, that's never happened. So it makes like a dreadlock, a taint dreadlock.

Yeah, that's not good. You need better hygiene than that. You need better standards. You need to not let it get to that point. Well, Joe, because I've been naked around lots of different men in different countries because of prison or whatever. It's like, yes. When I was homeless here in America and I was showering at 24 Hour Fitness, then I'm like in a giant shower with a bunch of men.

And like, yeah, for the most part, you look down for a second and you're like, wow, people shave their shit. It's like, okay, cool. Then I'm in prison in Japan and and i you know it's a bath culture it's not a shower culture and i look down and i'm like oh wow these guys don't shave their shit at all well first of all porn in japan is pixelated so you never really see anything anyways what is they pixelate genitalia or pubes the whole area just the whole area but they don't they don't shave their shit down there so their pubes are the same pubes that grew from when they were a kid. So they have beards.

Their pubes are longer than their dicks. My goodness. So I get out of the bathtub. I keep my shit tight, you know, and I get out with my dick and balls hanging out. And then these guys come out, and you just see a black beard with, like, a red dot with the tip of their dick. And you're like, oh, it looks like a cute homeless guy. But yeah, those things are all informed by pornography. They don't watch.

In Japan, they don't watch American pornography, so of course they don't shave their shit. That's fascinating. But Bush is coming back. Well, it's fascinating, though, that it sort of gets established. I would imagine that Bush is coming back. I'm out there. I'm out on the front line.

I'm telling you it's coming back. Nothing wrong with it. But look, even Bell Bottoms came back. No, with it. But, like, look, even bell bottoms came back. No, but it's back, right? Oh, yeah, definitely. I mean, almost, like, I'd say five years ago, every girl I was with had no hair or, like, a tiny thin strip of whatever. Now, almost all girls have some kind of...

They probably heard that crabs were going extinct and they got sad. They wanted to save the crab. Grow your bush, save the crab. It's cyclical, you know. Well, how come everybody doesn't want the crabs to live? They want to save, like, wood owls. I love seafood. I love crustacean.

No, the ones that grow in your bush. Yeah, I eat those crabs like Daryl Hannah eats the lobster in Splash. Little tartar sauce, a little, you know, cocktail sauce. Go on a redster right after this. What's it like hanging out with D'Antwoord? Because I know you guys are friends, man, and I love them. They must be very interesting, too. Do you ever paint with them?

Yeah. Okay. First of all, I love those guys. And do you know who D'Antwoord is? Oh, fuck yeah, dude. I love them. But I don't love one of their new songs. They got some new song.

You know, they're just going for it, doing everything. There was that fuck you in the ass song. Put a dick in your ass song. I was like, okay, what are you doing, man? What the hell is this? It's great. I like some of his really earlier shit, too. They did some really interesting early stuff.

But do you hang out with a lot of artists in general? Comedians. Okay, so comedians of artists in general? Comedians. Okay, so comedians are artists. Yeah. Comedians. I mean, I have a few friends that are artists. Artists, chefs, musicians. Martial artists.

Most people that are highly, highly creative are sort of... Fucking crazy. They're crazy. Crazy as fuck. And then you try to do normal shit with them, and then you're like, why are they doing this? Oh, yeah. Because they're fucking crazy. Well, that's what makes them tick.

Every comedian that I know is out of their fucking mind. Exactly. Every single one. And I love Ninja, and I love Yolandi. Ninja's one of probably the most creative people. He'll do a song, and then the part goes like this. And he'll sing every part of the song, and he goes, and then the music goes like this and he'll sing every part of the song and he goes and then the music video is gonna go like this and it'll act out everyone's part in the music video and what the lighting is gonna

look like and down to the costumes and there's gonna be a lion and this and did you do you ask for this or does this just like happen in the middle of a conversation he goes can I tell you like a quick story how does it do it doing his accent you were about to I bailed out of it now I tell you a quick story? How's it? Do it in his accent. You were about to. You bailed out of it. Can I tell you a quick story about a South African guy? The best is he can do a perfect American accent and not like a gangster. He was like... Have you ever heard of Jim Jefferies?

Hey, Dave. How's it going? Jim Jefferies, the Australian comedian, has the most eerie American accent. Really? He does an American guy and you're like, yikes. It's too good. It's like too good. They can do us apparently way easier than we can do them. Because we're

speaking normal. I'm not sure if that's the case. I mean, g'day mate. What is normal? Can you decide somewhere along the line that your way of talking is better than mine? Yes. And the way that you do that is the language of English is spoken in Australia.

England. England, America, and people make fun of the crocodile. They do the Crocodile Dundee. Yeah, but England. And then you take someone, you take a Japanese exchange student who doesn't speak English, and you go, learn English. What are they going to do? They're going to listen to American movies.

They can understand Americans. They can't understand British people. They can't understand Australians. They're like, I don't, what? We speak normal, like normal people. That's ridiculous. Everybody in England who grows up in England knows how to understand people from England. Everybody in America.

Everyone in England can understand us. We can't understand them. That's interesting. A thick, thick British accent. Give me a fucking break. I'm like. That is interesting. It goes, hey, what did you just say?

He's like, oh, fucking doors. And I'll be like. But if you were living there, you would understand him pretty clearly. If you were in his neighborhood. We're speaking proper English, Joe. We're speaking proper. This is like slang. I'm not like this.

I'm not trying really hard. So what we did is basically the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu of English. We took the original Japanese English, and we made it more badass with some extra guard submissions and shit. How come when they have some British movies, sometimes they got to put fucking subtitles on that shit? Because you don't know what the fuck you guys did. Not me, man.

I get offended. If they have movies like Snatch and they put subtitles subtitles i get offended like i want to be trying to figure out to concentrate yeah well i do when i interview fighters when i've had uh like paul kelly he's a gentleman i've had an interview in the ufc um michael bisping's guy from manchester right these guys have incredible accents my bisping has gotten like much better at speaking in more clear. Right. He slows it down a little bit. Right.

But English people and Irish people, they talk faster. They have a faster way of combining the words together. Right. I had a fucking guy come up to me. I had a conversation with a dude in Belfast. Right. Northern Ireland. We're getting drunk at a bar.

There was a UFC there. And just me and Eddie Bravo went down to this bar and we said, let's just tie one on with these Belfast people. I think Dave Bishop was probably there too. He was the local comedian that we did a gig with. This fucking dude was talking to me. I didn't have a clue

as to what he was saying. We were hammered. He was telling me how he'd fight. The basic script was, I'll fight any man. He was just telling me no, letting me know. He'll fucking fight anybody. You know, it was, I'll fight any man. Chocolatelli.

You bring me me. Thank God, I don't care. I'll fight any man. I'll fight any man. I barely could understand him. It was like this crazy game I was playing, like staring into his eyes, struggling to comprehend his words. And this is like the shit everyone always wonders about, right? You got the dude that's the Jax from Sons of Anarchy.

You got all these actors that have that accent, right? I don't find any, man. But then they're in movies and TV shows or when they do songs. Accent just magically disappears. And then they're back doing the interview and it comes back. So they do songs, accent just magically disappears. And then they're back doing the interview and it comes back. So they could turn it off.

They could turn that shit off. Not when they're drunk in a bar and not some dude who actually lives in Belfast, some local boxer who's ready to throw down and fight any man. Would he fight me?

Oh, fuck yeah. They want to fight. Those people, when we were in Belfast, you're driving around and they have these cars, these cop cars that have bulletproof windows and these giant metal plates and bomb-proof shielding all over the car.

The cop cars are designed to absorb bombs. Pull up some pictures of them. Belfast, Northern Ireland, cop uh cop cars bomb protection they like to fucking party it's a different kind of a world i mean they went through some crazy fucking shit they went through a crazy war like fairly recently right between you know essentially people that are right next door to them right joe i gotta ask you a question okay david i like being scared like i like thinking about how i'm gonna fight myself if guys are trying to rape me. I like doing a podcast, something that I've never done, challenging myself.

I like trying stand-up, something I've never done before. So I like being scared and challenging myself. Me too. Never been in a professional fight. I used to fight all the time when I was a kid. I'm 37 now. I haven't been in a real fight in over eight years now if i wanted to have one like shitty pro undercard fight how much training would i have

to do you'd have to do a lot a lot like for a year years years if you want to be safe if you i don't want to be safe well you here's the thing you're not um in shape right now you don't totally not in shape okay do you do any kind of sport? Nothing that allows you to move quickly? Agressively. You're in a lot of trouble. How old are you? 37.

You're going to get hurt. Don't do it. I'm definitely going to get hurt. No, no, no, no, no. Listen, this is a romanticism that people have about getting hurt. Let me help you. Joe, I have no problem getting hurt. It's going to change your thought process.

Okay, okay. Do you understand this? No, no, no. It's going to change who you are as a human being. You don't understand head trauma. I've been hit in my head my entire life. I bet you've been really lucky. I have severe head trauma.

You've been really lucky. I've been in comas and shit, man. I bet you have. I believe you. But it all works still. There could be at any point in time, there could be the tipping point. And head trauma is just no joke.

And any unnecessary head trauma that you want to introduce into your life, I always trauma is just no joke. And any unnecessary head trauma that you want to introduce into your life, I always think is a terrible idea. And what I know is, if there's a guy who's 37 years old

and has never had any martial arts training, I don't do any more. Well, I don't even spar. I don't even kickbox spar. I do jiu-jitsu spar, but I won't kickbox spar because it's not worth it.

Okay. Listen to me, man. You only can get hit a certain amount of times in your head. Right. And if you think it like cute to go out there and have an mma fight no i don't think it's because you want to experience it it's it's fucking dangerous no i know i know i'm most likely not gonna win and i know i'm most likely gonna get the shit kicked out of me but you don't want that man i'm telling you i i understand that you want my best friend asking

me that he could easily rape me i would would like to be able to defend him. You're not going to beat that guy. You're not. I met that guy. That guy's too big. He's too big. A guy like that, you're going to have to become some sort of a black belt in jiu-jitsu. You're going to have to be able to wrestle him to the ground.

Okay, so I appreciate the concern for the head trauma because I've had been extremely damaged in my head before. I've had been knocked out, all that shit. Yeah, it's not fucking awesome. I've been knocked out where I wake up and I don't know who I am, like that kind of shit. So I'm not under any misconception of it's going to be like a cakewalk or anything, but I'm just saying

there's too many variables. Will you train me? No way. No way. I don't want to be a part of it. There's too many variables. You want to fight me, Brian? Here's a bunch of the variables, okay? You're in shape. First of all, you don't have to pick a guy. Right. And's too many variables. You want to fight me, Brian? Here's a bunch of the variables, okay? You're in shape. First of all, you got to have to pick a guy. Right.

And you're going to have to pick a guy that's commensurate. Right. I love saying that word. It makes me feel sexy. What does that mean? It means like similar,

like the same level. I want to fight a guy bigger than me. Okay. What are you doing, man? What are you trying to get hurt for? Are you trying to be a hero?

No, I just want to, I don't know. Look, I know a dude who lost his sense of smell. He took a beating and lost his sense of smell. And it a beating and lost his sense of smell. And it was just a one-two head kick combination. Okay, I'm fat and I'm the most out of shape and fattest I've ever been.

But I have the X factor. What is that? I'm ferocious. Okay, good luck with that shit. I won't stop. That's not going to help you at all. Not even a little bit. People think that being tough is going to help you.

I'm tough, I'm ferocious. That's just going to get you hurt more. That's just going to mean you're going to take more punishment. So then i'll tap out then if i'm getting fucking the shit kicked out okay well then what happens you you you got damage to your brain have you just tried bondage look if you fight a guy here's my here's my my recommendation this area if you really think about doing it if you want to do it you want the same kind of thrill you can get a very similar thrill from doing a juiu-jitsu match. Or just getting your butthole licked by old ladies? No. Because when you tap out, it's your

responsibility with the butthole things going on. So you're telling me to stick to just getting massages by men? Well, I just think that it's not to be fucked with. Head trauma is not to be fucked with. People die, man. There was a kid in Ireland that died really recently in a rugby match. And he had had... He got knocked out, I guess, and then he got knocked out again and died.

Well, here's the thing. I know for sure I have a glass jaw. Like, if you hit me in my jaw, I knock out. But my entire life, I'm Korean. I have a thick head. We have big heads. Right. That's how you can tell Asians apart.

Like, Koreans usually have bigger heads. Big moon pie faces. No, if you see like a chinese japanese and a korean we usually our heads are a little bit bigger right i've been kicked punched like like i've had a lot of head trauma and it all for the most part still works my memory's going to shit a little bit but aside from that i can fucking for the most part function okay and i could listen if you're willing to take this chance and possibly alter the way your mind works if you're going to be intelligent about it because you're an intelligent guy what

you would want to do is dedicate yourself to martial arts first yeah before you ever actually do it and it was gonna it's gonna take a long time you're gonna have to learn how first of all to defend yourself and b you're gonna have to learn to be proficient in something well it's striking i have my background is judo i grew, okay. I grew up doing judo. You did judo. How good are you? I won a lot of awards. Well, what was your belt?

What belt did you get? Green or something. Okay. I didn't get a black belt, but I won. That's good. I won every single judo match I was in. Well, listen, you're not an amateur. No, but I'm talking about.

You're not a novice. Joe, I'm talking 15 years old was the last time I left. Yeah, but there's an understanding there. Like, you know, I wrestled in high school. There was no punching in judo, but I never lost. I wrestled in high school and I didn't do any grappling again until I went to jujitsu, which is like almost 10 years later. Right. And I remember it, remembered it like instantly.

It just came right back to me because your your body develops as a young man understanding how to pin someone understanding how to grapple and get gable grips and how to use your hips to sprawl you just comes back to you right and i think that like having that background especially at that age 15 that's big learning something and getting really good at it where you're competitive at it when you're 15 that's like such a developmental period it becomes like sort of a part of who you are as a person but the thing with me is i my bones break easy oh jesus so i've and i just what the fuck are you doing i just quit after whatever you know like i broke my collarbone in judo i quit i played baseball i broke my other collarbone i quit i played football i broke my ankle i quit it's like anytime i break a bone i'm like okay

that was that you know well it's not hard to break your ankle or your collarbone doing any of those things, whether it's judo or football or baseball. That sounds in line. I mean, it might not even be that your bones break easy. It might be that you're just a little bit too ferocious. I'll hug the shit out of you. No, but you know what I'm saying? You're like going for it.

That's how people injure themselves often. My parents were like, or my dad was like you have to learn some kind of martial art you're asian you have to and i was like we you know we we were not into sports bruce lee set the bar we had long hair we fucking didn't we listened to heavy metal we didn't care about anything my you know it's like when a guy has three sons and he's like yes they're gonna watch sports with me, whatever. We didn't fucking give a shit about it. We were nihilists. We were like, we don't care about shit.

Why is that? I don't know what happened. We would go to school. My dad would take a sack full of balls and just pour it out in front of us on the weekends and go, what do you guys want to play? Softball, baseball, kickball, handball, football. He'd have every ball and be like, what do you guys want to play softball baseball uh kickball handball football basketball he'd have every ball and be like what do you guys want to do and we're like nothing we don't want to do any i don't know we just we were just very like we don't care about anything we don't when you look back on like what turned you into who you are today this sort of

wild dude do you have any one thing that like stands out as being the the i don't give a fuck there's not one there's not one um like incident but it's a combination of racism uh humiliation and like just never getting laid you know so just lack of good experiences and a lot of bad experiences just unbelievable amount of You know, like going to a school where everyone makes fun of you for being Asian, going to someplace where every girl rejects you, and then within your own family, having this insane sex drive

where just everyone just catches me jerking off all the time. Like just the, oh, I'm sleeping. Well, don't you think, though, that when you're really young, your life is really fucked up? I mean, the humiliation, like, oh, my my god my mom just saw the tip of my dick hard but don't you think that when you're like really young or really stressed out and really fucked up that that's almost like a natural way to blow off the steam you're like dudes who are troubled almost always jerk off a lot yeah you know i i don't know what do i what do i do in surveys no there's no census attached to anything that i've said here

i'm just talking no no no i know but you're right like i would go home and i'd just be full of aggression and i'm like and i just wasn't good at sports so i'm like i don't even want to try this shit but then when they told me in football you could hit people cool and then like yeah i don't even know how you're angry you wanted to hit very angry and the thing thing with judo is that's another thing that my parents made me do. I didn't want to do it, but it's like I also didn't like people throwing me around. So when we got into it, I was just like, I don't care if this guy's a higher belt than me, whatever. I'm not going to let him pin me down. As soon as he starts winning, I'm going to go.

I just went there i'm gonna go fucking crazy and well what you should do i became the pride of my dojo they sent me to all the tournaments and i was like i was like the reluctant like i don't want to be here but okay fine i'm here i'm gonna win with the pride of your dojo yeah i won every like trophy thing for and then i broke my collarbone i was like okay that's the end of my is your collarbone okay now my shoulders are a little smaller because I broke this one and this one. Wow.

So, you know, the collarbones break and then they heal like this, right? Really? Yeah. They just heal next to each other? Collarbones snap and then there's no brace you can put on so you just hold your thing up

and then the bones just heal like this. Over each other? Yeah. And so how much stronger or weaker is it than it used to be? I think they get stronger but my shoulders are a little bit narrower. Wow, that's weird, man.

It could be worse, though. There's a lot worse shit that you could break, right? I'm not scared of pain. Like, I've been burned. You sound like a guy who's doing his, like, interview thing for, like, King of the Cage. No, no, no. Like, pain is not like, oh, like, I'm not going to do something because I could get hurt. You know, like, that doesn't bother me, you know. And I'm not going to do something because I could get hurt. That doesn't bother me.

And I'm not scared to be humiliated either. Not that what I worry about. What I worry about for people that don't have an extensive background in martial arts is head trauma. You're not going to know how to get away. You're not going to know how to not get hit as hard. You're not going to know how to protect yourself. Judo, all we do is for the first few months learn how to fall down. That's good. You're not going to know how to protect yourself. Well, judo, all we do is for the first few months learn how to fall down. So I do.

That's good. Like jumping over someone and then tucking into a roll and all that shit. Like, you know, I know how to fall down. I'm worried about you getting hit. That's all. Right, right. I mean, it's just part of MMA. I appreciate your concern. I've seen.

And this is something I'm probably not going to do, but just wanted to throw it out to see what your thoughts on it were. I've seen people take some serious punishment and change them as a human being change the reality of their life right and impair their function right right it's real no i i know that i've seen it happen not just from mma but i have a friend who got hit in the head with a golf ball and he wasn't the same for almost a year so he said for like six months he was fucked fuck just every day massive headaches and depression and that can happen who hit the golf ball some dude just he got hit with a line drive right in the side like while he's playing golf or just sitting at his house he's on a golf course and just an errant ball hit him in

the temple and he got fucked up man he went down hard, just totally knocked unconscious, fucked up for a long time. So my point is, that can happen from a kick too, man. That can happen from a knee. You could be diving for a takedown, and some guy comes up with some flying knee and separates your fucking vertebrae. It's nasty shit, man. You can get really, really hurt. If you really want to do it, though, what I was going to say is what you should do is make it a vice thing. Have them follow you with cameras.

Start a real training thing. Have them check in on you every couple months. But do it in a way where you're not going to hurt yourself. Go to a gym. Where's the fun in that? You can minimize the amount of damage that you take with intelligence by actually learning some skills. And so if you really want to do it. Will you have me back on the show if I'm in a wheelchair?

Oh, of course. If I'm stuck in a wheelchair. I'll have you back on the show if you talk to me through a thing in your neck. Joe, I should have listened to you. You was all right when it came to not doing MMA. Yeah. I'm not saying that anybody should not do MMA. I think that if you're going to take risks, it's ridiculous to take risks that have within

them the possibility of massive trauma and not do it correctly. Like, you could get knocked out, obviously. Look, Anderson Silva, who's the greatest mixed martial arts fighter of all time. He's the master. He got knocked unconscious. Anybody can. The stuff you're telling to me is complete common sense.

But. There's no but. It's just you're making sense right and and the thing is it's you're telling me this shit it's not like oh man joe's talking crazy it's like right you're being a good guy giving me the wisdom of you know all the stuff you've seen and learned okay yeah there is a but but uh it's weird like i, um, did you see the vice HBO series? Yes. It's just like suicide bombers, you know, pirates, like all dangerous shit. Right, right, right. They asked me to be for season two, one of the hosts. And I just got the assignment list of things, you know,

of places to go. And it's every single place I could die you know and it's like there's nothing about that and i don't know what this says about me but there's nothing about that where i'm like oh i'm scared of my life or you know i'll go anywhere i don't give a shit you know so well then you're the perfect guy for the job because me i'm at home going boy i would want to be fucking david show right now well that's why when it when the things you the things you tell me about hurting myself, those things don't, that's not a deterrent for me. But I guess dying is dying.

You're just dead. Listen, man. Being in a wheelchair is you're traumatized. I would never want someone like me doing something to me that I could do to me. I would never want someone planting a fucking shin on my head the way I know I can do to somebody. I would never want someone planting a fucking shin on my head the way I know I can do to somebody. I would never want someone kicking me in the body, punching me in

the face the way I know I can do to somebody. I would never want someone who knows how to strangle me, strangle me the way I could do to me if I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. So what I'm saying is if you are going to engage in mixed martial arts, you got to get proficient at a martial art in order to be able to intelligently defend yourself. Because if you can't intelligently defend yourself, someone who's good is gonna really fucking hurt you. And there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it. It's not gonna be a fight, man. You think it's gonna be a fight. But unless you find someone who's a novice, it's not gonna be a fight. It's gonna be a slaughter. No, unfortunately, I'm better at defending myself than being offensive.

That's all nice and good, but if you get a guy who actually knows how to fight, you're fucked. Right. If you're not careful and you go in there against some Division I All-American who fucking puts you on your back in three seconds and starts smashing your face with elbows from an impossibly strong body that's been throwing other bodies around its entire life, and you just thought you're being cute because you're an artist who likes to fuck chicks and you never work out, and you're like, oh, I'm just going to go in there and take an adventure.

I'm like a fucking, I'm a modern day. Keep going, Joe. I'm getting harder right now. You got to be careful, man. Is he sweaty? I don't want you to get sweaty as fuck, dude. If you lick him, you'll get pregnant. You'll grow ovaries. If he drips sweat in your mouth, it's a dangerous thing. You're involved

with someone who, you know, you have to be careful and make sure that what you should do is take another, if you really want to do this, take another person who's like you and say, hey, let's fight in a year. Right. And let's do it amicably. Let's get together and let's both

experience this and it'll probably make us like each other more as a person. That was super steamy what you just described. It was almost like a gay sex scene. A little bit. I'll do this to you. I've seen it too many times, man. I've seen people who think they're tough guys go in there and get really fucking hurt. I don't think I'm a tough guy. I don't think I'm a tough guy.

I understand. I don't think I'm going to go in there and like. You kind of described yourself as being pretty ferocious and durable and really good at judo and the pride of the dojo. So although you might not think you're a tough guy, you think you're proficient. No, no. Well, I think I'm able to protect myself from like getting those things that's all nice and cute like i don't know if i'm gonna find somebody who actually knows how to fight right right you know you don't know how

to protect yourself just do it you just shut the fuck up dude seriously i'm trying to help the guy it's just i just i've seen it too many times and i'm acutely aware of the possibilities and what i can do is i'm more scared to go and it's something I've already done now so I know what it feels like. I'm more scared to go in front of an audience and do stand-up than I think I would be to go and fight some ferocious fighter. That's because you haven't done both. If you did both, you'd be way more scared of fighting.

I've been in fights before, Joe. I've had the living shit kicked out of me by gangs and a bunch of people. I know what pain feels like. It's not like... I know what it feels like to get knocked out and then wake up a day later and not know who I am like I've you know, I'm sure you do know that I also know that it's bad. Of course, you know, of course, I know that That's all I'm saying man. I just I don't like when people get romantic about it because it's a part of it's not a room It's almost like something like the comedy thing, you know

I've done it three times now and it turned out good but i didn't go in there with that i was like oh i'm gonna bomb and people are gonna boo me and this and that and i'm prepared for that you know right but it didn't turn out that way but you know that's good yeah i'm not going in there going i'm gonna be fucking eddie murphy like you know i have I've never discouraged someone who wants to actually be a mixed martial artist. I've never discouraged

anyone who wants to actually take I'm not even going to learn mixed martial arts. I'm going to do taekwondo. I've never tried to discourage anybody who wants to do

something dangerous. But I just always say, if you're going to do it, remove as many variables as possible. Right. There's always variables in a live fight.

Right. You don't know. You could get hit by the first punch and your just lights go out right or you know weird injuries weird things can happen but you got to be as prepared as possible in order to be smart about it that's what i would say and most fighters retire around what age anyways it's completely different i mean here's an interesting thing bernard hopkins it's interesting because it never existed before Bernard Hopkins is the oldest champion ever how he's the light heavyweight champion today's 48 and he's amazing we're still out boxing the shit out of people and

doing it let's just say it's a thing of beauty I mean he's a fucking artisan in there he has a craft it's just like playing a guitar or being a painter he's got a craft he's an artist at it he knows how to minimize the amount of damage he takes. He very rarely gets hit. And he knows how to box the fucking ears off these young whippering snappers. But he's 48. That's awesome. But he takes care of himself.

Right. He's eating right. Right. He's working on a regular basis. He never allows himself to get out of shape. He's been fighting forever and he's got these skills developed over a long period of time. He treats it serious. Yeah. I mean, if I did this shit, I would treat would treat it totally serious okay i wouldn't go in there fat i would train like my ass off for how long if you like i don't know how

long would you want a year if you could do a year you could get a lot done yeah but you would have to make sure that you were matched up ethically that someone is really a nice person like matches you up with another guy who's you know at least you have a chance right I know you say you want to go against a bigger guy just someone you're alright fine

alright fine Yoshi Yoshi why would you say that they're friends it'd be a great fight fuck yeah I don't know

I wouldn't want to fight Yoshi Yoshi's got that to the death look in his eyes Yoshi might take things into the basement he might he might invoke the dark lord he might see some fucking hellfire in his eyes yoshi might take things into the basement i might he might invoke the dark lord he might see some fucking hellfire in his eyes oh man i just i get sensitive about the one issue i

don't like to preach but there's one issue that i get sensitive about and is that's the frivolization if that's a word i'm not frivolizing i'm not frivolizing like joe i'm telling you like i'm prepared to get hurt. I know that shit. I know I might break something or I might get knocked out unconscious. Like, I know that. I'm not, like, saying, yeah, it's going to be fine, whatever, you know. I'm not frivolizing at all. I understand.

You're just willing to take that risk. You know, you're in this world. I thought you'd be a good guy to talk to about this. Well, if you are really going to dedicate yourself to it and you want to do it as an experience, I think a year is a good amount of time. It's just something that I, in the same way I started thinking about maybe adopting a kid, I just thought also maybe I should fight. I would say go with a fight first. That seems like less of a commitment. Right.

You know, if you get fucked up, hopefully a body shot, somebody hooks you to the liver and you just tap out immediately. I'm just going to stick with the hermaphrodites. What if you get a hermaphrodite pregnant? I mean, it's very likely she could still get pregnant. Then the baby could suck the dick on the way out. We should... Oh, dude. How dare you?

How dare you? Let's look that up. Can a hermaphrodite get pregnant? Hermaphrodite. Well, I mean, if I was a hermaphrodite, I think most hermaphrodites, the dick is above their vagina, right? And I think...

I think it's inside. I think it's inside and I think it's just like half the size and it really doesn't... Even if it gets hard, it's not like a dick. It's just like a little...

I think it's not functional either, like it doesn't... See, I wouldn't mind that. If the girl's cool and shit, you can, you know, it'd be cute. You can rub her a little pussy boner

and it'd be fun. There's a porn star that has a huge clitoris. I can't remember her name. But the dudes in the pornos always suck her clit like it's a little penis. Okay, here's the question. Here's the questions answered. Surveys suggest that functioning

ovaries are fairly common in the intersex. Pregnancy and birth don't happen often, but they happen. Functioning testes are rarer, but again, not completely unknown. Functioning testes are rarer, but again, not completely unknown. Functioning ovaries and functioning testes, however, plus functioning everything else.

I suppose I could propose one far-fetched scenario where it could possibly happen, but as a practical matter, it's not. Get out, it says. So what they're basically saying is that there's variables. The same reason why there's a hermaphrodite in the first place is because of this weird variation. There's a bunch of different levels of that variation. It only makes sense.

I mean, if you think about it, people are not the same. We're all different. We all look different. We're all shaped different. We're all different sizes. It just makes sense that we would have variations as far as our genitalia go. Does she have a period, or does she just fart?

Great question. That's another one you should have not said. So you just run those through the internet first. Before she told me the punchline, I really enjoyed this last month thinking I was gay. I really did. That's not a punchline, dude. That's a fucking excuse.

It's not a punchline. Do you understand? You're trying to rationalize that that's a punchline. This woman's got a dick up there. It's okay, though. It's just a punchline do you understand you're trying to rationalize that that's a punchline this woman's got a dick up there it's okay though well it's just a joke she's the greatest comedian ever LOL

RFL MAO ladies if you're listening it's a fantastic joke to pull on your dude just tell them that you used to be a guy or that there's an extra piece

yeah what if the dude jumps right off a fucking cliff and you're like I was joking that's why it's a next level joke it's a next level next level dude you're thinking incorrectly and uh yeah i mean uh my my mom is also like she came to mexico for the show and she's just letting me know you know my mom had three children, me, both my brothers. I'm in the middle. We're all in our late 30s now. No one's married.

Do you think that's like a rebound from the strict Korean way of being raised? Me and all my brothers are weird. We're like weird people. Always have been. Yeah. Like all of our cousins, they're all happily married, have kids. They have normal lives. Like I tell them my stories and they're like, Dave's weird.

Uncle Dave's, he's, you know. Right, but aren't they weird, too? Aren't people that are suppressed and keep it inside? I think everyone's weird. Yeah, now you're talking. Like, I think I'm normal. And I know that that sounds, oh, Dave's crazy. He does crazy shit.

And he thinks, I'm like, I think I'm the most normal person because I just, I live like how I think you're supposed to live. And then I meet these people that just do what society wants them to do and it's crazy to me and they withhold. They live like fucking pussies. Well, human beings are pattern followers. We're naturally pattern followers. Right. And we naturally follow successful patterns of behavior because those have been proven to be effective. So all of our concerns and issues and insecurities sort of get ironed out in advance by other

people that are successful. Right. So when we follow the society pattern that's set up right now, the society pattern is, you know, get married, get divorced, lose all your money, get married, stay together, have a family, get married, you know, grow apart, get married, be super happy. There's a few different possibilities that can happen to you. There's a bunch of different ones. But you have to follow the natural paradigms.

If you don't, there's something wrong with you. And people who are following them, they don't want to be around you, especially like wives. I'm sure you have friends that have wives that do not want David Cho being around. No, they hate me. Because David Cho is talking about getting his butthole sucked out of his body by some crazy woman. Look, I got advice for people, but it's not for married people. It's not for everybody.

My advice is for people who don't want to be like... Well, you're not giving advice. You're giving out experiences that you feel are very positive experiences. People like to go... And people can learn from them. Yeah, and people go, oh, Dave's lucky. It's like he won the lotto with the Facebook shit. I'm like, I've been successful at everything I've ever done.

I've made tons of money doing art, gambling. It's like, oh, so that was all luck? For people who don't know what the Facebook thing is, just in a nutshell, just spell it out real quick. That was something that I learned from gambling that I brought over. I had just gotten out of prison, and a guy named Sean Parker, who started Napster,

he was 23 or 24 at the time. Maybe he was 26. But he was in his young 20s, and he'd already started a couple of multimillion-dollar companies. None that really made any money. Plaxo didn't make any money. Napster got sued for, I think, a trillion dollars. So this was his next project. And this whole time, he was a fan of my art he's like dave i gotta get a painting from you like

you're a sick fuck like me i need to get a painting from you but i'm being sued right now i can't afford it this and that and so when facebook came up he's like look there's this new social media site that connects college kids and i was like that sounds gay he goes uh and we have some financial backing so now i could finally pay you to do a painting and i said or if you want if if and he's any you know he's an innovator he's like i'm gonna fucking this shit is gonna take over the world this i'm gonna change the world this is good if if you don't want then i could give you stocks in the company and i needed money because i needed to pay my lawyers i need to pay all my ex-girlfriend my friends i need to pay everyone back and i said i don't know about social media i was never on

myspace i was never on any of these things i said you know what i believe in this kid so i took the stock stock ended up being worth hundreds of millions of dollars so overnight that made me i guess the highest living paid artist in the world which is pretty cool but before that i was pretty successful at everything else i did and uh why do you think that is well i just came back from this conference in in norway of the all the top chefs in the world so i'm like this is cool i like this i'm in a new environment it was sort of like joe bourdain bourdain didn't go that's why i went david chang who has momofuku in new york goes bourdain please come this year is talking about guts about being brave and you come and bourdain's like are you kidding me i'm not gonna fucking embarrass myself in front of

the top chefs i've been out of this game like he's like dave you should go and so i'm like what am i gonna do and i just started thinking i want to start doing stand-up so dave chang was like dave why don't you come i'm like you'll be the first non-chef that's been asked to speak at a fucking chef conference of 600 of like the top michelin star chefs and i don't know these people i get off the plane and they're like dave we're gonna eat at nomo tonight you know and uh or nola sorry i said it i'm fucking retarded we're eating at nola tonight i'm like oh nobu and i'm i'm like oh there's a nobu nobu in copenhagen nola is the fucking number one voted restaurant in the world like four years in a row like it's like an eating experience you've never the guy that runs uh nola renee is a fucking like picasso of the cooking world i mean just

insane like like he'll put this in front of you and you're like what is this and it's like this is a rock that i just shit with food that you would never believe and so i'm here with these highly highly successful people that are like you know uh fucking dario cecini uh um fucking i can't even remember all their names alex atela from brazil um they all have the number one restaurant in their city you know the guys in l and this for me it's amazing because because Dave's like you know we're not going to be able to pay you we can get you out here but you will never have to fucking wait to eat at any of these restaurants ever and I'm like I'll do it just for that and I get there and so I don't know who any of these people are but they are the fucking champions of the cooking world and so I got to hang out with them for a week. And it's, you want to talk about following patterns of success?

I mean, they, first of all, they're all angry. Like an insane amounts of, like, this is the way you run a restaurant. Why? They challenge everything. They are fucking brave. They fucking went for it. Like everyone said, a restaurant is gonna fail the chances of a restaurant staying in business is not that good and who's gonna want to eat a fucking

taco that has korean meat like they're challenging the norm they're challenging society and and they're all crazy challenging society with tacos just you know whenever you go to a restaurant and you like well that's the thing is i went there and i was like i don't know i don't i don't even know why i'm here so these guys are talking about what do you mean you're there to eat no it was about next level food like how to uh it was serious right it's like what food is doing to you mean the conference the whole conference yeah okay i thought you meant the restaurant oh well the restaurant was to eat but then the whole conference was like the fucking shitty food we're serving in public schools uh like a guy that a speaker there was from somalia his restaurant had been blown up like three times

and he keeps opening it so it was about all these it was sort of like on a serious topic like the state of food right now with overpopulation and what that's doing to create like dark snow and and just i'm like what the fuck am i doing here you know and it was super serious and they're covering like real issues about food and and and the world and this and that and and then i just i just went on stage and started talking about how everything makes me shit that's all i could do you know and so you try to do stand-up i try i did stand-up and it was how did it go it went amazing oh that's hilarious yeah it was fucking awesome like i was i i puked before i went for a walk and i was like the girl before me was a 10 year old speaker that talked about how she changed the way people eat in africa off her off her blog and i'm like i need to kill myself oh was like, thank you. She's 10 and she changed the way they eat in Africa.

Yeah, she started a blog about how people are starving and everyone's crying and clapping. And I'm like. Holy shit. I was like, I can't go up there and try to sound like I'm a food guy. Wow. And I just talked about. Things that give you diarrhea. Well, I'm Asian, you know.

What does that mean? I grew up. What does that mean? I'm Asian. I grew up in america i'm asians aren't supposed to eat lasagna they're not no why there's no cheese in korean food there's not no there's no cheese in korean food so you can't eat lasagna thousands of years of koreans eating rice and soup and korean seaweed and shit korea pool of wine they come to america

what did you say brian korean poo wine what is that it's something in korea pool wine they come to america what did you say brian korean poo wine what is that it's something in korea that's a medicine vice did a thing on it really where they take uh the poo of a seven-year-old child oh come on and they actually had a reporter from vice that had to take it and i felt so bad for her she was so nice about it she drank the poo wine i don't know about korea i don't want to see this. I'll throw up. Cut that off, dude. There's no... You know, all this shit that's part of American diet, like hamburgers,

spaghetti, tacos, all this shit. This is all new, you know? This is all new, so... So your genetics are not set up for cheese. So my entire life, I've had irritable bowel syndrome. Wow. My whole life, a part of anxiety is is I'm going to go talk to Joe right now live for, I don't know, an hour, two hours, whatever. If I'm getting nervous, I have to shit.

Like what, I'm going to make this guy live cut the thing so I have to run. So that gives me more anxiety and that adds to the puking. So did you cut dairy out of your diet? I love lasagna. I can't stop. So did you cut dairy out of your diet? I love lasagna. Oh. I can't stop. So that's just your decision. You love lasagna more than you love not shitting yourself.

I love comics the same way you love comics. Okay. But I grew up reading like Calvin and Hobbes. I started with the funnies, the newspaper, you know, like Garfield, Calvin and Hobbes. Right. All that shit. And so I was obsessed with Garfield like eating lasagna you know I'm like why why does this cat eat lasagna you know because I'm an Asian kid eating

rice and fucking kimchi I forgot about I don't know I don't know what I don't even know how to pronounce it lasagna you know so I'm like you know and I don't know what it is it's like a exotic foreign white people food thing and then my aunt brings it one day and we eat the shit out of it I'm like no wonder Garfield loves it because it's cheesy and it's got tomato sauce and what does it do it explodes out of my ass it's like poison to me I can't eat this shit I can't eat dairy I'm lactose intolerant but it tastes so good there's nothing in Korean food that tastes close to that. I mean, we have other delicious treats, but nothing like that.

So I'm like, look. But you were willing to take that just for the delicious taste. You're willing to just have to shit yourself. I do it even today now. I mean, I've had irritable bowel syndrome, so I've always looked it up on WebMD and shit like that. There's no known cause for it, but they think it's most likely stress. But wouldn't it be dietary? Well, it's a combination.

I have the IBS from the nonstop stress and then also the dietary part of it. So, yeah, I cut down a little bit on the dairy but the stress part a lot of it came from the gambling from all the taking all these insane chances like i'll tell you like oh i'm gonna fight some crazy killer and i might get my shit kicked in whatever like i'm cool like out here but inside i'm like oh my god you know or we're gonna send you to interview some somali pirates and they might chop your head off. You know, cool. No problem. But inside, I'm just shitting.

I'm just a fucking mess. So I internalize it. So as I've eliminated less stress from my life, I've the IBS has gotten better, you know. Jesus. So so that's what I did my whole act on. And, you know, one of my friends, Harris Whittles, who writes for Eastbound and Down, he does stand-up too, and I said, dude, what the fuck do I talk about? And he goes, anytime you do stand-up, like, it's a fucking cheap shot.

It's a no-brainer. Shit stories always kills, you know. So I went up, and it did. Like, the people there were like, I was like, oh, that food you guys serve me makes me shit. And, you know, I turned it around. I ended up talking about, you know, how I'm in a different practice than them. But, you know, if you want to be successful, if you're not focused in life is to be like a family person. But if you want to be the absolute best of whatever your field is, then you have to take chances.

You can't be a pussy. You can't be a follower. You can't follow. You have to break constantly and challenge yourself and challenge the way everything is. You have to question things. And it's scary because no one else has done it. So shitting yourself? Questioning and challenging yourself?

Well, that is the joke part. But when it was at its worst, I didn't leave the house. Wow, that's so crazy. I can't believe you kept that diet up. This was my at its worst, I didn't leave the house. Wow, that's so crazy. I can't believe you kept that diet up, though. This was my day. Well, it wasn't just the diet. It wasn't just it. How much of a variation did you give your diet?

Did you ever cut out gluten? Did you ever cut out dairy, everything, and just try to eat nothing but meat and vegetables? Yeah, I've done every different kind of like I've tried. Nothing helped? You know, I did just protein stuff. I've done different stuff, but at the end of the day, it's always the stress that gets to me, you know? What stress? I feel like I'm in therapy.

Well, I've been in jail a lot of times, which means I did a lot of bad things. So, yeah, I used to, constantly be looking over my shoulder. So that's the stress. That was when I was younger. Then the gambling, every time, every week, I would put my entire life savings on the line. So it's like, wow, I'm in Vegas. Someone else is, like, having a good time, going to strip club, whatever.

I'm risking everything I've ever worked for right now. That creates stress. Wow. And how do you deal with that today? Well, I don't gamble anymore that that just couldn't take it anymore it's just it's just stupid there's no reason for me to gamble when you have when you made as much money as me it's just retarded to gamble right because you get caught up and lose it all what's the point you know and it can't happen right people

have done that especially when you go to macau and they're like, do you want to fucking bet with million-dollar chips? Oh, my Jesus Christ. That makes me so nervous. It makes your dick shrivel up into your body. When I pass by those tables in Vegas and I see someone who's willing to bet like $25,000 on a roll of roulette, I've seen it happen. Oh, no, that was me. What a crazy move that is. Pink chips.

And I got to the point in Vegas where they knew me and they would let me bet a quarter million. Dan White won seven million dollars one night in Vegas. He's lost as much as a million. You guys should get together and make out. I mean, that guy has made a shit ton of money doing UFC and so to get his dick hard, he has to bet like that. To get his dick hard.

That is an expression for gamblers, isn't it? To get his dick hard. Yeah, what's he going to do? Sit at a table and play $20 blackjack? Nickel slots. Well, what is it about people that love that fucking crazy money? First of all, a lot of UFC takes place in Vegas, right? Yes. Well, he lives in Vegas.

Okay, so that's horrible. The UFC office is in Vegas. And if he's an addict, then he's dangerously, you know, like that's a horrible place to live. Yeah, but he's getting away with it because he's rich and he makes a lot of money. Right. And he figures out how to do it, and he's good at it. Well, see, in Vegas, they cap you off, you know? You can't bet, like, you can't bet the way you do in Macau.

Well, that's one of the reasons why we stopped being at the Palms. They cut back his limit. Right. They cut back his credit. Right. Because he was killing them. Yeah, if you have a shit ton of money, if you have a bankroll and you know how to gamble, you could fucking knock one of those casinos out and you know, they'll fucking, yeah, it's a good feeling. That's hilarious, man. Yeah. That's so crazy and dangerous and wild. The idea of betting that much fucking money. I don't have that at all.

No, well, how did you think I got to that point? Oh, I'm sure I can get that. Don't get me wrong. You bet with your life savings and win-win until you get to the point where you're like, oh, now I'm like those guys betting $25,000 a hand. Well, you're a smart guy, and you also know that there's some ways as a gambler, in quotes, you can sort of minimize the risks, and it's by being very intelligent about what you're doing. That's exactly what I'm telling you about mma fighting but with much more everlasting repercussions because if you get right broke you're a smart guy you'll figure out how to get money again you you already know the drill you know how to get rich but i'm not trying to be like a like a professional fighter with a long career i'm trying to have one i

understand but i'll tell you what you get a whole kill me. Yeah, Tiago Alves in one fight could change your fucking life. Right. That motherfucker would change the whole rest of your life with a couple of knees. It's just you've got to make sure that if you're fighting someone that they're like you, a guy who's not necessarily a lifelong expert. Maybe has a little bit of martial arts, and you've got to get good at protecting yourself against strikes.

That's the big one. Because it sounds like if you have a judo base you're probably really good grappler great judo guys are notoriously strong core strength hard to take down I give amazing bear hugs but the striking striking is a totally different thing I have no studio will set you up fake you out and drop a fucking bomb on your noodle right and you're not gonna like it I'm a weak chin I'll get knocked the fuck out. One chin, one knock right here I'm out. Don't do it man.

Don't do it then. Trust me. But a grappling match? That could be some hardcore shit. You could learn Jiu Jitsu, learn Jiu Jitsu, get into a school, like train, and train for a grappling match and the worst case scenario is you get tapped out. You get strangled, you're tapped out, you're alright. You get an arm bar you tap out and it'll be fucking crazy wild and fun but

you don't have to worry about the lasting effects of head trauma you'll it still is possibly and potentially very dangerous but you'll minimize the risks considerably when you take out striking i just tell people if you want to fight that shit should be a solitary thing there should be nothing else you want to do in your life i don't want to fight and be a best-selling author and be a fighter pilot right so what do you want to do do you want to fight okay no there's dudes out there that only want to fight the day i decide that this is something i'm going to do i'm not gonna i'm do anything else i'll train and that'll be it that'll be my life should do painting too you'd be like miyamoto musashi he was a great samurai who also did a lot of calligraphy and painting

he thought it was important. Write poetry. I mean, the way I throw myself in. When I paint, that's all I do. Right. I throw my shit. I'm like, there's always going to be someone better than me. But as far as I'm concerned, I'm going to do the best I can. And there's nothing besides painting that's going to obsess.

We had a cool conversation about work last time I was at your place. Yeah. You go through these spurts sometimes. you just decide to just attack and just start working but yeah i do that but also the same same way like you know when people are like i'm an artist i'm like this is what i do like even though i haven't painted like for four years i do something creative every day and if i had to paint for a career like living then i I don't do the gay like, oh, I only paint when I'm emotionally moved to do it or when I feel like it. Whether I feel like shit, like it's a real job, I show up every day, every day, repetition. Paint a horse, paint it a thousand times, it'll get better. It's a real job.

I paint whether my girlfriend dumped me or whether she's sucking my dick or whatever. Every fucking day, you paint no matter what. No excuse. That's a beautiful statement right there. People should take that and make a video of it. Don't be fucking gay. Don't say that, man. You say that.

Gay as in like I don't feel like. I know what you're saying, but you still. I need inspiration. Fuck your inspiration. But you shouldn't call it gay. Okay. You force yourself. Come up with it another way.

You force yourself. Transgender. Don't call it that either, dick. Yeah. Well, gay as in glorious and amazing and... Yeah, yeah. Yoo-hoo. I know what you're saying.

I know what you're saying. It's... I feel where you're coming from. You're like... It's a call to arms. Get up and work. Get your shit done. And if you're saying it's um i i i feel where you're coming from you're like you're it's a call to arms get up and work get get your shit done and if you're a professional you do it every day and that's how the work gets done and don't be a wimp don't be a pussy don't be weak don't be a pussy shouldn't say don't be pussy don't be a pussy pussy's amazing it's one of my favorite things yeah but don't say don't be a pussy why would you would be something amazing

it'd be something i want to lick lick myself all day it's not it's it's just it seems wrong to call someone a pussy and that means it's he's a bad thing I'm not trying to change the language here all right it works it's better than fag but when they say don't be a pussy are they talking about like a pussy cat like a cat is that what are they talking about I don't know i'm talking about that fat fuck garfield lasagna and cocksucker gave me irritable bowel syndrome but it's like for for success and shit like that like especially with music or art or something creative it's like it's easy to be like i only feel inspired it's like fuck that repetition put in the discipline you know put it put in the time like Discipline. Put in the time.

Force yourself, whether you feel like it or not. That's the way you do it. You're dead right. You're dead right. That applies to comedy. It's training. It applies to comedy. It applies to martial arts.

It applies to everything. And that's why when I paint something in two seconds, it's because I've already painted it a thousand times. So I don't want to be a dick, Joe, but i have to actually run back to the other side of la and i have to get uh a painting done dude i'm we're out of time anyway there was a lot of fun man you were fired up today dude you could tell you've been doing a lot of podcasts you're a different person you get a lot of shit to say now you're an animal man when you get comfortable you get wound up and you just fucking fire off. Is the show over?

The show's over. The show is, it is right now 6-12. Does it, do you just end it whenever you feel like it? Yeah, we end it whenever we feel like it. We don't have any producers, man. I gotta beat traffic and- Beat that traffic, son. I'm gonna bribe Aubrey Plaza into being my best friend.

Who's that? She's the actress from- Are you doing shout outs right now? No, no, no. Are you giving someone a shout out? How dare you? She wants a painting for me and I said for you to get a painting for me, you gotta be my best friend. Thanks to Stamps.com. Use the code word JRE on Stamps.com

and save some money. Thanks to Onnit.com. Use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements. Alright, you freaks. We'll see you next week. Can I plug my show? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Everyone, thanks for listening to Joe Rogan and save 10% off any and all supplements. All right, you freaks. We'll see you next week. Can I plug my show? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Everyone, thanks for listening to Joe Rogan's show.

If you like this shit. Oh, this is my first commercial. I got a show called Double Vag, Double Anal Sensitive Artist. That's DVDASA.com. Go listen to it. That's my show. DVDASA. And if you guys like the early episodes with Yoshi,

he has his own show called Yoshi Didn't. Go listen to that show and that's all I got to put. Asakira.com.

And Asakira, my beautiful co-star. Alright, beautiful party people. We'll see you guys next week.

Everybody have a good time this weekend. We'll be Friday night. We'll be at the Ice House, fucking around in

that little room. If you've ever been to the Ice House, there's that little tiny room there. I'll be there. Brian, who else is there?

We've got Fahim, Justin Martindale, and a couple other people. That place is the lab. That place is where we do our best fucking around to come up with new material. It's really small. It's only like 80 people, and it's a lot of fun. That's the Ice House, Friday night.

One last plug. Beautiful people. The date, November 2nd. November 2nd. I don't know what I'm going to do then, but it's going to be, that's the year. Last year, November 2nd, I took over the Reddit. I'm going to maybe do something weird like that again. So just don't know what I'm going to do yet. So you're giving out a pay attention to me November 2nd ticket.

November 2nd, pay attention. Nice. Yeah. All right. Something crazy. All right, party people. Thanks, everybody. Love you.

See you soon. Bye-bye. alright party people thanks everybody love you see you soon bye bye