The Joe Rogan Experience - #394 - Matt Fulchiron

Episode Date: September 17, 2013

Matt Fulchiron is a stand-up comedian and also hosts his own podcast called "The Full Charge Power Hour".

Yes, by night, all day! I would have been less worried if I didn't know that Budweiser and Heineken were both gluten-free. Oh, really? Yeah, Heineken's gluten-free. I didn't know that. Yeah, so are Asahi's and Sapporo's rice beers. That makes sense. Yeah. The Heineken, the number that they have as far as when it becomes gluten-ish, gluten-esque, is more than 20 parts per million or something like that.

And Heineken is less than that. Well, that's good to know. So Heineken's gluten-free. I was all bummed out when I went to the gluten-free option I was like this no beer thing's gonna suck a fat one. That's the rough part spaghetti It's good, but you can you can live without it I like a beer at a comedy club to me too or especially with buddies me too Because you can get a little buzz going without getting wasted. That's what beer beer is for yeah you can you know what you're doing you regulate it now i i've won like cocktail different personality time to go home quick having so quick it's for the end of the night it's not for the beginning of the night that's for sure it really is amazing when you stop and think about

how fucking dangerous drinking is for you as far as decision making. It's legal. And it's everywhere. It's legal. Dude, it's not just legal. It's everywhere. I'd look back at every fuck up I ever did and I'm like, yeah, I was drunk. Drunk.

And it's everywhere. I know. It's fucking everywhere. It's the weirdest drug ever. Everywhere you go to get food, restaurant, grocery store, it's right there. There's a whole aisle. Yeah. You know, and it's in your face.

Well, what people don't understand is people are always going to have the option to get fucked up. Yeah. And they can do it right now. And the idea that you're going to take drugs away from them. You're just taking options away. They can still get drugs. They get this stuff. It's everywhere. Everywhere. And no one's going to stop it. You're not taking options away. They can still get drugs. They get this stuff. It's everywhere.

And no one's going to stop it. You're not stopping alcohol at this point. And you shouldn't. You shouldn't stop it. But it's unfair if you just allow the alcohol because it fucks up the society. It does. It really does. We should have healthier options. Not just have healthier options to get fucked up, but there are healthier options.

But also it lets you know that you're being hoodwinked. Like, it's in your face. Right. It's so in your face. Yeah. Like, there's liquor stores everywhere. People drive up to them and get the liquor and drive away. We've got drive-through liquor stores in Maryland.

Dude, we went to a drive-through liquor store in Phoenix. Remember that time? Yeah. Phoenix, the old club, the Tempe Improv. Yeah. They used to not let us the Tempe Improv. Yeah. They used to not let us drink. What? It was so ridiculous.

And they wanted you to do comedy? Well, the dude was, the guy who owned it was a fine gentleman. And I guess he just decided at one point in time that too many of these heathen comedians were getting all liquored up and fucking up his green room. He was a drinker though too, wasn't he? He was at one point in time, but not anymore, my good sir. Not anymore. I got it.

Well, there was one guy, and then there was the other guy who took over. Right. But I brought a flask. I was like, look, man. It's 1925. I'm like, we're not here. So I just said, I just want some warm Diet Coke and my cold Diet Coke. I like to mix it up just perfectly perfectly boardwalk Joe fire legal to drink on

stage and then we found out that it was bullshit that it wasn't that there wasn't a state law that said he had a sign saying it was a state law that you weren't allowed to drink on stage but everybody was like they know fucking state law you can drink on stage like's ridiculous. I was just in Arizona, and they were talking about, the guy that was running the club now, or one of the managers there, was talking about how

if you get a DUI in Phoenix, or maybe in all of Arizona, they've got you going to this thing called Tent City. Oh, yeah. You have to live in Tent City, and you have to wear nothing but pink underwear.

Have you heard of this? And you live under a bridge. Tyson had to do it. And you get shamed to all hell. Yeah, you get shamed. Every single person that has a DUI has to do that. Well, if that's your sentence, you know, it's available. It's very common. And it's not just DUIs. It's like, you know, a lot of different crimes. But they do have, you know, they have a real problem with that. There's a lot of people that say that it unethical it's just like how can you single out prisoners and make them you know humiliate them making them wear girly colors and it seems less outside it seems almost less safe

than prison because you're in a tent well it's also that guy is a real problem that joe r pio guy right he's such a kooky head yeah i mean, even if you're conservative, like, I'm pretty conservative about a lot of different things. I'm pretty conservative about things like gun control. I side with, like, people on the right more than I do on the left. So many of my friends who are on the left are like, gun control, we should need to get rid of guns. Just fucking get rid of guns. I'm like, that is just the most unrealistic proposition. And why?

What about the nice people that have guns? You know, and the gun's already out there. It's not like something we're about to invent. Shall we push the button and start this revolution? No, they've been around fucking hundreds and hundreds of years. So the idea of stopping guns is preposterous. Background checks is a great idea, though. Sure.

All that stuff is great. It's very smart. Gun shows? Bad idea. But there's some people they just take it deep they take that conservatism sure that ideology I don't want these kids drinking on my stage you know I sell an alcohol it's like madness yeah so can I have a shot and go on stage not at my club. No, listen, listen.

We're not trying to encourage that kind of a good time. You have a bar. Yeah. You serve hard drugs. It is a bar. That's the main reason we're all here. Yeah. We're up there to sell drinks, basically.

They sell tequila shots. Yeah. On a regular. You would see me at Phoenix. No, it's not a fucking party. They would have a platter, and on this platter would be like 30 shot glasses with tequila in it. Yeah. You know, that would happen all the time.

Somebody just said that if you get a.15 or more in Arizona, that it immediately equals 30 days minimum in jail. You have a Kansas roof all of a sudden. .15 is pretty strong, right? Well, to me, no. It was a.015? It used to be like 0.9, right? That it was legally drunk, and now it's 0.8. They dropped it to 0.8.

People were complaining. They dropped it a little. I feel like I'm 0.15 right now from last night. For real. Gluten or no gluten, we're 0.15. 0.1818 at least. There's a real problem with drinking and driving, without a doubt. Yeah.

Unquestionably. But it doesn't mean that you need to make the levels any lower and catch people with, like, barely a buzz. That seems a little shitty to me. It seems disingenuous to say that you know you're you've got all these places where they park their cars and they serve drinks but you don't expect them to drink right they all have to carpool there they have to have a designated driver to go to your restaurant my dad got pulled over from having just a margarita at a mexican restaurant with his wife on the way home and wow he got got out of it, but they...

But he could have got into it? Yeah, they said that they could have legally arrested him and given him a DUI right there. Wow. That's crazy shit. There was a video that I posted up on Twitter the other day. It was called Speed Kills Your Pocketbook. This is a guy who detailed the trap that is speed traps.

And he was focusing on Canada, and it was all about Vancouver. This is one area of open road where it's like the equivalent of 30 miles an hour. You know it's in kilometers, but it's the equivalent of like 30 miles an hour. And it's like this long, open highway. And the cops just wait because nobody goes 30. There's nothing around you, anywhere near you. Right. And so the cops just wait because nobody goes 30. There's nothing around you, anywhere near you. So the cops just wait there in the bushes and they were bragging on

Facebook about the number of tickets that they got there. The cops were? Yes, they were saying, you know, this is a record season for citations and the money going to this and that and this and that. They're just stealing money from people. You're making a crazy rule.

You're saying they can only go 30 miles an hour on a highway, and then when they go like 50 or 60, you point your gun at them, you pull them over, and then you rob money from them. Right. It's all about the profit at this point. Absolutely. And then they're getting on the internet and being like, we just made so much money off you fuckers.

Well, what's interesting is they also had a study that showed that that stretch of land is like one of the safest places in all of the Vancouver area. Right. Like they have some of the least traffic accidents there of anywhere. Right. So because of that, like because there's no justification for fucking keeping it slow. I mean, it's not like people are dying from left to right. You need to slow this fucking crazy animal train down.

Like no one's ever died there. You should see it. It's ridiculous. When you see the stretch, and you go, wow, that's 30 miles an hour? That's crazy. It's a highway. Ohio was worse, man. They had planes. Like, those planes that just go up and down, and they fucking match

these two white lines on the side of the highway. Right. And if you, like, go from one white line to the other one, like, at a certain speed, they know exactly how much over you're going. Yeah, they can time you. Yeah. And they would just have, like, around the corner, they would just have a line of cars

just on the side of the road because just cops going, you, you. That's criminal. It really is. It's disgusting. It's one of the good things about California. They do drunk driving stings and shit like that, but they're not nearly as bad with speeding tickets as they are in Connecticut or somewhere like that. That place is fucking brutal. So everything's 55 miles an hour, and they're just waiting with radar guns everywhere.

Yeah, they're just too busy out here. You never see cops on the side of the road with a fucking radar gun. Yeah, they're just stealing money, man. All those assholes, 55 miles an hour. What am I, a fucking baby? What am I, on a horse? 55 miles an hour. That is some stupid shit.

Hagar was right, man. Hagar? Sammy Hagar. Oh. He's a prophet. One foot on the brake. One on the gas. Yeah, man. he's a prophet you couldn't take it you know what we were I was watching on the

ice house chronicles the other day we were watching the old kiss karaoke video that you did remember it that radio station oh that's right yeah Sarah no name yeah yeah that was pretty good. Those guys are awesome. What was that? What happened? It was just fucking, we just played karaoke and we sang a kiss song. Nice.

Love Gun. Pretty good. It was ridiculous. No, it's not pretty good. It's fucking terrible. Do you want to watch it? No, I don't need to watch it. I don't need to watch that.

They're really cool, though. And No Name, he has his own show now. Does she have her own show still? I believe she's still up there. I think No Name's in Sacramento, maybe, I want to say. It's hard for me to justify getting up in the morning. If it's not Opie and Anthony, they're the only ones that get me to get up in the morning. It's just like, how early, bitch?

I got a show tonight. Joey Diaz called me up, and he's like, I want to have you in the morning. It's just like, how early, bitch? Joey. I got a show tonight. Joey Diaz called me up and he's like, I want to have you on the podcast. And I'm like, awesome. He's like, so call me at 645.

Here's the number. And I call him at 645 in the morning. Did you do it? You guys ever done this? Did you do it? No. I'm going to stay up one day

and do Joey's podcast, but I'm going to stay up. I always catch the first 20 minutes of it and then I fall asleep and my phone dies. I'm too fucking tired to get up at 6. It's hard to get up. But if you call Joey at 11 o'clock at night,

his phone's off. Really? 11 o'clock at night, dog. My phone is off. I got the machine on. I'm getting my feet rubbed. Have you been texting him? That's so fun.

You like the fact that he texted you? I love it, dude. Was that new? I like it because there was a time where he would scream at Brian. Brian would send him texts to his cell phone. We made a video of it. He was screaming at him. Like, if you left a text message, he would want to kill you.

Really? He would want to kill you. And now it's a voicemail. If you leave a voicemail, he wants to kill you. Really? He gets mad at you. So now he's pro-text? This is all news to me.

He won't lie. I'm telling you, he gets mad at you. Joe Rogan, what the fuck do I say? Do not leave me voice messages. I go to get those fucking voice messages, it freezes up on me. Do not leave me voice messages. Am I fucking clear? Yes. And you're like, dude, I thought you were joking.

You really don't want the... I fucking hate him. It makes me sick to my stomach. I look at my fucking phone, I see the voicemail message, it makes me sick to my stomach. I look at my fucking phone, I see the voicemail message, it makes me sick to my stomach. I wish I knew all this. I don't understand that. Do you agree with him yet, though? I mean, I have

61 unheard voicemails. Yeah, but when someone calls you, sometimes they have something important to say. There's nothing wrong with a voicemail. The idea that everything should be text is ridiculous. Sometimes in order to call back, you kind of got to know what you're getting into.

And if someone gives you a warning, it's kind of nice. Oh, fuck, yeah. It's the worst if somebody calls you up. Okay, are you sitting down? No, what's this?

Goddamn, why are you going to fuck with my... I'm fixing lunch. Why are you fucking with my head right now? I don't even remember that dude.

Yeah, exactly. Stop freaking me out. Dunbar's number. I lost that cat five years ago. Yeah, exactly. Stop freaking me out. Dunbar's number. I lost that cat five years ago. I deleted him. That's on my Nokia, and it's out of batteries. Back in the day. Back in the day.

I turned on one of my old phones the other day, going through all my shit, trying to not be a hoarder. I found my old, I think it was Dare. Remember Dare's cell phones? They were one of the first touchscreen little pieces of shit from Verizon or something. No. And I plugged it in and charged it up a little bit, and I still have photos on there. Shit, I forgot all about.

Wow. There's so many phones that I have probably a shitload of crazy stuff in there that I was just going to throw away. I've only had like three phones. Oh, you're one of those guys. Like everyone made fun of me forever. I finally got this. And now that I'm excited about it,

everyone's like, shut the fuck up. We've all had those for years. This meaning an iPhone? An iPhone. So before you have like a flip phone, were you one of those cats? I had like this, it wasn't even flip. It was just shitty.

It was the cheapest phone. Like a Nokia? Yeah, and I wanted to see how long it would last. Four years is the answer. Damn. And what was going on at the end that made you give up? The charger stopped working. And the phone died.

And then I went to the store, and I didn't know iPhones were pretty much free. And I was like, you know, you just have to update your plan. And I was like, you know, you just have to update your plan. And I was like, well, okay. Let's do it. Was it like switching from an old piece of shit phone to like modern Star Trek type shit? The first day I was very stubborn. I'm like, my life's no different.

I'm still me. I still fucking hate the same things about myself. But then slowly you start to use one app at a time to the point where you can't get through your day without the whole fucking thing. And if something happened to my baby, it'd be over. That was one of the interesting things about being in Montana.

I was in Montana last year for five days in the woods and shit. We had no cell phone service, so I didn't touch my phone for five days. Right. And it's weird, man. It's weird just talking to people that you're around for five days. You guys are going to post any photos or anything? No calls to anybody on the other side of the world. There was nothing going on, man.

It was just. Well, that's one thing I did like about having my shitty phone was like I'd be on the computer and I'd be getting crazy over the Twitter. I'll check the Twitter every day. I'd write something. I think it was funny. Only six people like this. It would drive me insane. So then I'd go out running. I'd go do this. I'll check the Twitter every day. I'd write something I think of as funny. Only six people like this? It would drive me insane.

So then I'd go out running. I'd go do this. I'd go do that. My shitty phone still had internet, but it took like it was like dial-up somehow. It would take like five minutes to get a webpage. And so it kind of kept me off the internet a little bit. Kept me a little bit more sane. And I'm happier, but I'm more insane with this thing.

So do you think that the internet makes you insane? Do you think the possibilities and the options make you insane? Me personally, because I'm happier, but I'm more insane with this thing. So do you think that the internet makes you insane? Do you think the possibilities and the options make you insane? Me, personally, because I'm always looking for validation on the internet. You just fucked up. If I'm honest with myself. You just fucked up. You should have never said that. That's true.

They're going to know now. They know your soft spot. Yeah, you just showed your glowy spot. Whatever. They found your liver. It's all about honesty, right? Yeah, allegedly. Until you go in court.

It's all about not getting locked in a box. I'd like that thing I signed back, if you don't mind. That's what I'm talking about. I want the radio editor to do this. So this school shooting, or this rather Navy Yard shooting, is freaking everybody out. This is a guy who apparently went in there.

How many people are dead now? There's at least 12. They say that this dude was hearing voices. Yeah, he started going schizo. Yeah. Do you have a flip phone or an iPhone? Flip phone, for sure.

All right, well. Yeah, he apparently... They're already blaming Grand Theft Auto it yeah of course they they immediately start blaming video games that he played video games what people have to realize is a lot of people play video games yeah and if video games cause violence boy would there be a lot of violence i mean fucking boy if the amount of video games corresponded directly with the amount of violence that became in a neighborhood. Right. Do you know how many fucking people would be killing each other?

Everybody. Everybody. At least half. So many people play games. And they try to blame it on movies too, right? Of course. So like everybody that sees Die Hard is going to go kill somebody? The whole thing is ridiculous.

Do you see Dracula? you become a vampire? What does that mean? This is stupid. It's dumb. The idea that the two are connected is silly. I think that there's definitely a desensitization of violence that comes from it being

depicted in certain ways in film. But that's just because the films are done really shittily. A film that shows a real murder, a realistic feeling murder, is very disturbing. Right. Whereas some sort of Chuck Norris-y type, gun that guy down and gun that guy down.

80 guys. Yeah, there's nothing to the feeling. Right. If you see The Expendables, it's a fun movie, but you're not feeling anything when these guys are getting shot and killed., if you see The Expendables, fun movie, but there's nothing, you're not feeling anything when these guys are getting shot and killed. Whereas if you,

you know, you see a good movie, like, what was that, what is that George Clooney movie where he played a hitman? Michael somebody? Michael Clayton?

No, no. No, I think I know what you're talking about, though. He was a hitman, and it was actually a good movie. No one's gonna blame anything on that movie because no one saw it, but it's really good. When that guy fucking died, it took a long-ass time.

It was an interesting movie. What was it? The American. That's what it was called. Right. It was a good fucking movie, but it was really, the murders were real. Right. It felt like a real murder.

When someone died, it was like, holy shit. And it was like every once murders were real. Right. You know, it felt like a real murder. Like, when someone died, it was like, holy shit. And it was like every once in a while. Yeah. It was like, maybe only four people died. It was only a couple times in the movie, but it was really intense. Like, I bought it. Like, apparently a lot of other people didn't buy it. 68% of Rotten Tomatoes.

Wow. I just thought it was interesting. Maybe I'm using that. Maybe that's not the best example. But, look at me, I'm immediately changing my tune. It's the greatest movie ever. It's actually kind of a big shit. Well, everyone else hated it. No, I hated using that. Maybe that's not the best example. But look at me. I'm immediately changing my tune. It's the greatest movie ever. It's actually kind of a big shit. Well, everyone else hated it.

No, I hated it too. Hey, I'm cool too, guys. No, I like Ocean's 12. I actually did enjoy it, so you can go fuck yourself. How about that? Boom. But that weird quality, that desensitization, I think that certainly is an issue with dummies.

Yeah. That's the problem. We have to decide if we're an issue with dummies. Yeah. That's the problem. We have to decide if we're making things for dummies. Dummies are only for dummies. And dummies are going to do dumb shit no matter what, right? They're definitely going to. They have to. That's what they're here for. They're here to inspire you to not be a dummy. Watching dummies slam into walls. Part of the energy that comes from that comes from that, in this weird sort of relationship that we have with our environment, the energy that comes from dummies is you go, oh, I don't want none of that. Right.

You just realize it. It helps you learn without actually having to fail yourself. Yeah. We all knew the one guy that was a little too risky, likes to flip off fences, watch this, guys. You know, do backflips off a fence. Like, this guy's going to die one day. Right.

And then one day, yeah, he dies. Yeah. And you're like, oh, I get it. Except for the jackass guys. And, I mean, I know one of those guys died. But they made a real career out of it. They did make a real career. I mean, one out of those guys dying is a really good number.

In 10 years? It's a great number. It's a great number. Yeah. When you think of how they were rocking it. And the way he died was classic. Speeding, drinking, drinking, speeding, go. Right.

You know? Oh, by the way, you could totally do that because the bar is a fucking parking lot. See? You know? Yeah. That's what we were talking about before. Like, how ridiculous it is that some drugs are illegal, but yet everyone's on this one. Yeah. The one that makes you crash more is legal. The one that makes but yet everyone's on this one. Yeah.

The one that makes you crash more is legal. The one that makes you an asshole. That's true. The one that makes you not realize what you're doing. That's true. The one that makes you black out. Oh, yeah. The one that makes people almost die and throw up, and the next day you feel like your head

has been compressed under stacks of bricks. And depressed as shit, too. You can get really depressed off of it. You feel terrible. It's very depressing. And then your flash memory of the night before, like, oh, no, I didn't. Shit. Fuck.

That was me. I'm a dummy. I'm a fucking dummy. Did I really do that? I didn't do that. That's not my underwear. Over and over again. Yeah, it's the worst.

But yet, it's responsible for a lot of fun times. It's just one of those things that I think it would be fine as long as we had the other ones as well. Yeah. I think the real problem with alcohol is that it's not that we don't have, the real problem isn't that we have alcohol in our culture, it's that we only have alcohol in our culture.

I think alcohol's fine if it's balanced out by psychedelics. That's what I think. I think you're right. I think it's just like if you want to do the wildest, most evil, shitty decision-making fluid, you should be able to have the ayahuasca too. You should be able to go on spiritual journeys. You should be able to learn something here or there. You should have a little balance.

Eat a little cactus. See the gopher with the third eye. He teaches you the wormholes of the universe. Start a rock and roll band. That's what I'm saying. And George Clooney could be our lead guy, man. I bet he could do rock. He could run for president if he didn't fuck so many chicks.

Well. He fucks too many chicks, though. He could win. He could win, but for sure one of those bitches is going to start talking. Of course. Of course. George Clooney, is he at all the Hollywood studs? Is he the greatest leading man type romancer of all time?

Romancer, probably, because he never keeps a girl around for that long, does he? They get crazy. Yeah. They start going, you know, I'm tired of your bullshit. Right. And he's like, okay. Yeah, well.

You can't keep doing this you know you're you're you're in your 50s it's getting at this point in time it's like god what are you doing you're just gonna be that guy is that what you're doing are you just gonna be that guy yes i mean i'm just saying if you want to be that guy and it's like yeah okay well you know you're gonna leave me and what go with an older girl now is that what it is gonna be an older girl no it's not it's gonna be a younger girl. How much longer do you think you can keep doing that and going with younger girls? How much longer before some girls just start telling you what you really are?

You're kind of a creepy old man. Probably 20, 25 years. Yeah, he could probably do that deep into his 70s. Look at Jack Nicholson. That's the canary in the coal mine for old actors. That trumps you're going to die alone every single time. Oh, my God, he puts on those sunglasses

and goes to Laker games and you're like, he's alive. Yeah. He's alive and well. He's doing so good. He just quit acting, right? He does whatever the fuck

he wants. Exactly. Why wouldn't he quit acting? I don't know. I mean, why would he, first of all, he must have more money

than most countries. Yeah. He did so many fucking giant films and he could probably give zero fucks at this point in his life. You just go 100% pussy at that point. I wonder

if he does. I wonder if it's like... And then he can blame that memory thing. He'd be like, sorry. Sorry, I don't remember you. He might just go to nice meals and shit and do whatever the fuck he wants. That's amazing. You know? And he's like a universally loved guy too. He can't walk down the street without people shouting

his first name. Yeah. How great is that? It's pretty great. He's a guy from a different era, man. He was the lead in fucking Chinatown, dude. Yeah. A lot of people don't understand that.

Their head is not really completely wrapped around that. You've got to go back and watch Chinatown. It's going down as one of the best scripts ever written, right? It's one of the greatest movies of all time. I saw it in a drive-in with my parents when I was a little kid I was I remember thinking I am too young to be watching this like this is a crazy-ass movie when they cut his nose oh yeah whoa this is by that pedophile cut his nose this is fucking this is dark man they cut Jack Nicholson's nose remember yeah no I know no, I know. It was the director, Roman Polanski.

I called him a pedophile. He is a pedophile. Yeah. That's right. Did you say George Clooney was in that movie? Yes. No. Jack Nicholson, you fuck.

You guys are always talking. George Clooney was zero years old. I know. I think he was on The Facts of Life at that point. I thought you were talking about... He was on that for a season. Well, we were talking about... You take the good, you take the bad. He was on that for a season. Well, we're talking about old guys that can keep getting pussy.

You just didn't pay attention. You lost their argument. I was lost in George's eyes. Here's a little tidbit. He's a beautiful man. He's a beautiful man. Jack Nicholson was even more beautiful, believe it or not. Go to Jack Nicholson in Chinatown.

I heard that Jack Nicholson got paid to write Head, that Monkees movie. What is that? Remember the Monkees? The Monkees? Like, here we are, walking down the street. They had a movie, a psychedelic movie came out called Head. Jack Nicholson wrote it. They took the money and then they made Easy Rider. Whoa. Yeah. Love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Easy Rider. And that started it all. I mean, Jack Nicholson, I heard he was about to quit before Easy Rider. Wow. Can you imagine if he quit? He's just like a car salesman somewhere in Indiana.

Well, it's so funny. I mean, why not? But, I mean, maybe the car salesman would have had more fun. Maybe. Less pressure. Yeah, there's a lot of pressure being Jack Nicholson. But he gives so little fucks that there's not as much pressure, you think, for a lot of people. It's beautiful.

He's so comfortable in his own skin. He was at the Mayweather fight, and they were interviewing him. He just kept eating. He had a mouthful of food. He didn't worry about it. He's not worried. He's not worried about it at all. He's like, oh, yeah, Floyd's saying.

He's very fast. I mean, the guy's got a puncher's chance but he just doesn't give a fuck I was talking about Roman Polanski for a second and it reminded me of Sharon Tate which reminded me of you guys are always talking about documentaries on here there's a Manson documentary that just came back out in theaters it's called Manson came out in 73 and they yanked it because squeaky from was on trial so lawyers got taken away but they started filming this documentary before the murders because it was just a documentary

on this call living out in the war and you know on the ranch and that was interesting enough for the filmmakers but then as they were filming people started getting taken off and now you got all these girls toting guns giving interviews it's an amazing documentary i mean it's amazing yeah charles manson knew how to turn a freak out it's amazing i mean i i don't think i could pull that off charles manson was a trippy

character man i mean you want to talk about like a dude who defined the 60s he ended it he fucking ended the 60s well he he definitely was the worst case scenario yeah they started carving fucking x's in their foreheads yeah shaving their heads x's in the foreheads but there's this one scene in manson where all the whole family is singing like a happy song and they made like they produced a video that looks like something out of the monkeys or something and it's weird it's really strange I forgot about those foot go back to that Brian those that real oh yeah I was 100% real they carved X's in their head yeah and then he yeah it was first was next then he turned into a swastika. They went to jail. Remember, who was it?

Squeaky Fromm that tried to kill Gerald Ford. Gerald Ford, yeah. But they're talking so much shit in these interviews. And they're talking about violence on television, and that's why they're violent back then. They shaved their heads, that's right. Yeah, as a statement. Oh, this isn't the actual movie, Brian.

This is a recreation. That was some fake shit. This one came out in 73, and it's got the lawyer that put Manson away. He's given all these... His part is terrible. It's like a really bad cable access. He's like, in 1969, the Manson family was on trial and then you do

like a weird pose it was like really bad acting but it's the actual lawyer that put Manson away oh wow and they interviewed him

it's like the guy like if you stop and think about like when people talk about serial killers what do they always say they always go with

Manson NWA references him everybody references him Manson Manson. NWA references him. Everybody references him. Manson. Manson. Manson. It's like, I ate your garbage, man.

Tell me in a sentence who you are. I see a look on his face. Nobody. Nobody. He made a bunch of crazy faces and then said nobody. Whoa. Okay. For folks listening and not watching,

it's some goofy-ass video where there's all this biblical music that's playing over it. Why are they doing that? Ooh, there's the murder. Ugh. Brian, no one can even hear this. What's with the music? I don't understand a word that guy's saying.

You should have not listened to that whole thing. Couldn't hear him. See if you can find something that's actually just him, because that's stupid. When it's actually him, you get to see how fucking nutty he really was. And that video would have done it without the fucking music. I'm a product of your society, man. You made me.

I ate your garbage. There's no radio. There's no clocks. There's no electric lights. The girls carry water. They don't wear makeup. They have their babies by themselves. They go in the shack and squat down and have their babies.

I live on the ground. I live on the earth. I don't live, I lived in Hollywood and I had all that. The Rolls Royce and the Ferrari and the pad in Beverly Hills. I had the surfboard and the Beach Boys and the Beast Keeps and the Neil Diamond and the Rob's Company and the Jimmy Shiffrin and the Elvis Presleys and the Mesqu and Elvis Presley, and all them guys. The Dina Martins and the Nancy Sinopters and the Gaffer's Suffering. Will you do it to me? I hear you'll do it good, honey, and all that kind. Will you come up to my house later? So I went through all that, and I seen that was a bigger prison than the one I just got out of, and I really didn't care to go back to prison.

See, prison doesn't begin and end at the gate. Prison is in the mind. It's locked in one world that's dead and dying or it's open to a world that's free and alive. Hold on, this guy sounds like me. That didn't sound that crazy.

Dude should have a podcast. This guy's great. This one part of the documentary, they talk about how they delivered babies at the ranch and they talked about one part where they got like a pair of scissors and just fucking did it home style

oh Jesus yeah owie they had babies like that what a sick fuck it was just amazing to me that people have such a desire

to be led that someone can come along like that that people have such a desire to be led, that someone can come along like that. It's just so completely out to lunch and gather a good, solid group of loyalists. I mean, you had like, you know, seven, eight people, right? And a lot of them were like honor students and well-to-do people from good homes. Well, there was a thing that happened in the 1960s and 70s where a lot of people were rebelling so hard from the standard lifestyle, the father knows best type shit they grew up with, that communes were really common and there's cults were popping up places.

Food co-ops, video stores. It was men. I have a buddy, his ex-girlfriend grew up in a cult, man. And the cult leader would have sex with everyone's wife. It's like, there was a gang of those going on. Like, they were all over the place back then. That's the thing. That's like the main part. Yeah, sex. Well, that's what people want.

Yeah. It's fun. They like it. It feels good. Yeah. That is the main thing, though. That's the main reason why we're still here. Exactly.

That's how these cults form. It's always, as soon as you let some guy just get that much fucking power, a guy who tells you he's Jesus, you know, he's going to start banging people. It's just a matter of time. I really like how the Beatles were prophets, though. I mean, who wouldn't want to be part of this religion? The Beatles were prophets? Oh, yeah.

The White Album, he took as his gospel. And Helter Skelter was all about this big race war. That's what he saw. And there's a song about killing piggies. They wrote that in blood. And he saw them as the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

The Beatles. Wow. And he saw them as the four horsemen of the apocalypse. The Beatles. Wow. And even, I think, George Harrison went in to testify and stuff. He was on the witness stand and stuff. Even Ringo? Ringo doesn't count. No, but they did get Pete Best, which was weird. There's nothing better than a dude with a creepy accent telling you

about the apocalypse. Yeah. And doing it, like like 100% sure. He knows. You know the apocalypse is coming. The four horsemen. What's One Direction? Is that the new girl band? Yes.

One Direction? You don't know. How many of them are there? How many of them are there? Let's say four. New girl bands? Let's say four. How many in the band? There's four girls in One Direction, let's say four. Like new girl bands? No, how many in the band?

There's four girls in One Direction, let's say. The lights were off. Just so they can be prophets. Let's say it's... There's 12. 12 boys? 12 disciples. 12 disciples.

Imagine if it was. 12 disciples. One Direction. Straight to him. I've never heard a One Direction song, and you're not going to play one either. No, I'm not going to. Oh, you're trying to get me to play one.

No, no, no. I wasn't even doing anything. No, no, no, Brian. You will not. I told you they were staying at the hotel next to the Comedy Store recently and there was just mobs of like these little kids. Of little girls. Like 12 to 13 and their parents at 2 in the morning next to the Comedy Store.

What the fuck, man? That seems like a bad idea. Look at this comedy store. That's the comedy store from Grand Theft Auto, right? Yeah. Look how realistic it is. It's amazing. They even got the yellow poles right there.

Is that my name right there on the wall? Yeah. Having it on the back finally paid off. The comedy store sign's missing, though, where Kinnison shot the hole through. Yeah. In that corner? Where? In that corner, the left corner.

Far left. All the way to the left the edge left that right there there's a sign in the actual store right there it says the comedy store

and there's a bullet hole in it where Kinison got mad at Dice Clay and then he came to the back parking lot and pulled out a gun and shot a fucking hole through the sign

wow I think he was banned for that for a couple weeks a couple weeks? just a couple weeks? yeah you're doing all late spots from spots for the rest of the week. Well, he had the Kinnison spot anyway.

You know, you always had late spots. That was the whole thing. Yeah, he was the original trench coat mafia. Kinnison was the greatest, in my opinion, from 86 to 87. He's the best comic of all time. That's my opinion. I was around back then. I got to see the impact of that guy.

Especially if you put it in perspective. It's really hard to put it in perspective. The comedy of today is just the comedy of 2013. The comedy of 1986 was a completely different world. Absolutely. And Kinison, when he burst onto the scene in 86,

no one had ever been anything like that before it was so unique and different it's almost impossible to put in perspective today what an impact it had because he was just so different than anything else he's almost like nirvana of comedy because you do the real quiet real quiet and then real loud yeah but but it was all like set up punch back then it was great you know yeah and then he came around and it was just set up punch back then. It was great shit. And then he came around. And it was just insanity. Just venting.

Yeah, and the way he would go about it was so painful. It was so crazy. I was married for two fucking years! Hell would be like clubbing! And you'd know, you looked at him. Remember when he fucking played that song on HBO? Yeah. You took my records!

I want my records back! Sam Kinison's song. The Sam Kinison piano song. Did you ever see him? End of his first hit, yes. I got to see him live several times. Wow. Yeah.

I got to see him, unfortunately, though, when he was already slipping. Yeah. I missed the fucking good days, dude. I got to see him when he was already just, like, coked down two cylinders. What was the slipping phase like? Yeah, the love song. That's it.

Ha ha ha. This is his encore. Well, it's such a special night. It's our last show. But I thought it was perfect to do a love song. I wrote this about this girl that I met about five years ago. I was going to come out with some money, you know, and try to live out here for a while.

And I met this girl and I wanted to impress her, you know. So we went through all my cash in about a year. Then one day she said, you know, Sam, there's something missing from our relationship. I said, well it wouldn't be the cash by any chance, would it honey? She said, no, we found so many special things about each other. I hate to see it all go to waste because the passion's gone. I found so many special things about each other. I just, I hate to see it all go to waste because the passion's gone. She says, can we still, like, see each other once in a while

and, uh, have lunch or see a movie or... just to be friends? I said, yeah, friends. How'd I get stuck into watching this? Because it's going to pay off huge, man. I've become some kind of emotional tampon that you need four or five days a month. Why'd I get stuck into watching this? Because it's gonna pay off huge, man. a bit. The order of this song goes like this. You fucking whore! You use me! You never love me! I'll be a slide under a dash truck and taste your own fucking blood! Die! Die! Die! I want my records back! I want my fucking

records back! I want my records back! I want my fucking records back! He was the best. That really is great. I love you, Hollywood! I love you, good night! He was the best. Where was that taped?

Do you know? That was at the Roxy. God, that was awesome. Right on Sunset. That was really awesome. Yeah. Well, he was a totally different thing, man. His brother wrote a great book about him.

It's called Brother Bill or My Brother Sam. Yeah. And he talked about how Sam was in a car accident when he was a kid. He got hit by a car, like really bad. Yeah. He was really badly hurt. And then was a totally different person. At what age?

It was early though It's like eight or something something like that. Yeah, but he's like he became Kenison he got hit by a car and then became like wild and reckless and didn't give a fuck and That's an interesting thing because that's something that they show with head trauma, especially head trauma at an early age Yeah, like they they associated with gambling gambling addictions, right? But also with like really radical personality changes. No kidding. Yeah. Like, uh, they, they associated it with, uh, gambling, like gambling addictions. Right. But also with like really radical personality changes. No kidding. Yeah. That's how he died too. Yeah. Yeah. Drunk driver. It's crazy. What's really crazy is he used to do bits about drunk driving. There were, he, when I say like he slipped, I've talked about it

so much on the podcast. It's a little too, uh, I try not to reiterate, but I say he slipped, I've talked about it so much on the podcast. It's almost a little too, I try not to reiterate. Gotcha. I think he just started partying too much, and then he just wasn't the same guy anymore. Right. His bits just, they lost it. Right. He got super rich, and I got to see him then.

I got to see a couple sets that just were not very good. The writing wasn't the same. Gotcha. There's a clear difference between the earlier stuff and the later stuff. So it's like a good thing to learn as a comedian. Like some guys get better as time goes on. Some guys, they would hit that proverbial wall. Yeah.

And with him, it had to be coke too. How much coke that guy was doing. Yeah. I mean, if you hit a wall when you're that successful and that in the spotlight, it's got to be coke, too. How much coke that guy was doing. Yeah, I mean, if you hit a wall when you're that successful and that in the spotlight, it can be kind of to the point where, like, you don't even feel like spending the time to develop because it kind of scares you so much, I think. It could. You know, he might not have put the time into it anymore.

He definitely wasn't doing late spots every night. He was just banging checks. Yeah. He wasn't putting the time in. I mean, he was just doing coke and partying and going to Hollywood parties. That only works for so long. Yeah, it's hard to stay that guy, that outsider. Yeah.

Everybody loves you. Exactly. Yeah, comedy's a fucking strange gig, man. The only people that comics ever really truly let in are other comics. I know. You know, you get to know other comics, you kind of understand, but you're trying to get in with regular Hollywood.

That ain't going to work out, dude. Right. They're not going to understand you. That's true. Because they're like crazy PC, right? And we're like crazy not. Or what's the deal? I don't even know.

Actors. The real thing with actors is here's the number one thing. They have to be chosen. So because they have to be chosen, they're all trying to be chosen. And when you they have to be chosen so because they have to be chosen they're all trying to be chosen and when you're trying to be chosen all the time you usually go about it by being as fake as fuck you go about it by trying to concoct some sort of an artificial personality right that you think would be acceptable to casting agents or to producers or it's one of the reasons why so many people are left wing like so many people in hollywood are left wing it's almost like you know you want to endear

yourself to the ideology of whoever's trying to oh i do i think that too choose me choose me right and it's also one of the reasons why psychologically there's some of the most problematic people you'll ever have to deal with. They're so fucking needy and broken because their entire cycle of their business is like need and need not being met, need not being met, need not being met, rejection, rejection, rejection, success. See? Told you. Rah!

It's almost like they were abused by life. Yeah, which they have been. But it's an unnatural pursuit. It's an unnatural pursuit, and even if you get it, Jesus Christ, the world's going to think you're a fucking superhero. Meanwhile, you're a guy reading lines. They got you hooked on wires. You fly through the air.

You have to pretend you can kick every man's ass, even who has a gun, in 30 seconds. Right. No one's really like that guy. And they also throw your ass away pretty quick, too. Oh, kitty-doo. Oh, kitty-doo. And that's really like that kind of guy. And they also throw your ass away pretty quick, too. Oh, kitty doo. Oh, kitty doo. And that's really hard.

They don't just throw you away. They, like, beat your ass down. They follow you around with cameras and stuff. Depends on your choices, I guess. Yeah. Well, they definitely follow you around with cameras, especially if you're getting old and you watch your body rot away at the beach. Get some funky knees going, weird elbow skin,

and neck skin and shit where everything just starts just caving off the body and they're just there to photograph it in high detail. Look at her. No one wants to fuck that. Meanwhile, she's like,

I retired 10 years ago. I'm a teacher. Fuck you. That's not very common, though, is it? No, it's not. You went with best case scenario. She retired and now she's an intellectual., though, is it? No, it's not. You went with best case scenario. She retired, and now she's an intellectual. She teaches, actually.

She's so smart, she teaches others to be smart. I base that story on no one. No one's ever done that. No one. This is an infected spot. It really is. Infected and affected. And a big part of it is because of the whole Hollywood influence.

The real problem with the Hollywood influence is not the liberal aspect of it. It's the bleeding heart that everybody always talks about. The real problem with the Hollywood influence is fake. The fake people. It's all people who are trying to be something in order to get picked. And then people who are trying to figure out some way to get some unwarranted amount of attention, because they didn't get it when they were young. Right.

It's this massive, and then, of course, there's musicians in there, and there's painters in there. There's a lot of cool people. Sure. Don't get me wrong. You'll run into a lot of cool people, but how many in comparison to annoying ones? Is it like 10 to 1 or something like that? It might be 10 to 1. Like 10 annoying people

before you find one really cool one. Absolutely. I mean, at any given party. Especially if you're trying to be an actor. Jesus Christ. What are the odds of there... I mean, there's cool ones. Don't get me wrong. I know a lot of cool actors and actresses and directors and producers. There's cool people in all walks of life.

But god damn, there's a lot of annoying people. But in general... The acting profession. That Bill Hicks quote is the greatest. in all walks of life. But goddamn, there's a lot of annoying people. But in general... In general. The acting profession. That Bill Hicks quote is the greatest. Fevered egos. That's what he would call them.

Fevered egos. It's just... It's not... I think because of the fact that we're not allowed to have certain things in this life that we're...

There's laws against certain psychedelics and there's laws against certain types of behavior and there's laws for restrictive psychedelics and there's laws against certain types of behavior. And there's all this restrictive behavior. Now there's things even more restrictive. Now we find out the NSA is listening to every phone call you make and checking all your texts for T words.

I bombed last night at the improv. What? No fly list. Yeah. What the fuck, man? That's not a joke. I mean,

this, all that stuff just even further tightens down that feeling of suppression that human beings have. We don't like that shit. No. But it's everywhere now. It is. And like everyone, a lot of

people are doing bad financially. That's another like suppression, suppressive feeling they're getting. And they're being watched the whole time. It's just weird. I figured we'd be way better at it by now. I felt like when I was a kid, people were actually better at running a society than today.

It's like almost like the more options we got as human beings, the more it got to the point where it was just completely carried away. I mean, back when you were young, I mean, there was, like, warrants. Remember warrants? Yes, I do. The judge had to issue a warrant before you could arrest somebody? Yeah.

Yeah, that's how it used to be. The cops had to go to a judge, and the judge would go, well, let me see here. What's the evidence? Okay. Then they came up with this thing called the NDAA, and they basically just made it

so they don't have to do anything. They don't have to have a judge's it so they don't have to do anything. They don't have to have a judge's request. They don't have to have a court order. They don't have to have real specific evidence. They can basically do whatever the fuck they want. And how new is this? Is this Patriot Act or what is this? No, it's NDAA, the National Defense.

What is it? What the fuck is it? Authorization. Something initial. Authorization Act. National Defensive Authorization Act. Yeah, it's widely criticized. If you go to the first thing on the, if you Google search, the first one is the ACLU talking about how horrible the National Defense Authorization Act is.

It's just sad. This is my problem with all of it. They'll tell you, like, you know, well, this is, we just need this for terrorism and the case against terrorism and really bad people because really bad people are plotting. Maybe. But you can't do that because you know what you're doing. You know what you're doing. By preventing these attacks that you so believe are going to happen, you've changed our world

into a fear-based world. happen, you've changed our world into a fear-based world. Right. You've changed our world. You've made it so that we're going to monitor everyone all the time, take away all privacy in order to ensure safety. That's like some Thomas Jefferson-type quotes. Was it Ben Franklin that said, if you preserve security over liberty, you deserve neither?

Right. I don't know if he said that, but that sounds good. I think that was the quote. But it's like these guys wrote that in the 1700s. Right. But it hasn't been working either. No. We just had that thing yesterday.

There's the Boston thing. Well, there's the thing is these Boston things and this guy yesterday, these are people that aren't even, they're not even from another country. Right. We got homegrown crazy fucks. And this has zero to do with the NSA monitoring people's text messages because this guy was getting text messages from Mars. This dude was like hearing voices and shit and telling people. Right. He's on drugs.

He was on some sort of meds, you know. I don't know how he got access to guns. I don't know if they were legal or illegal. Matt Fultron. There's no answers. That's the problem. I just went to Big Five the other day in Alhambra or Pasadena, and they had guns there. You need them out there. You really do. Shoot your way back home. You really do. Shoot your way back to the motherland. I just wanted goggles, but I was going to back home. Yeah, they do. Shoot your way back to the motherland. I just want a goggle, but I was going to swim home. And then the other problem is meth. You know, we've got a real meth problem in this country.

Right. It's a giant, giant problem. Right. Pretty much everywhere outside of a city, that's meth town. Right. You just go out, you get in the city, and you drive out into the hinterland, and you're going to hit some meth. Right. It's everywhere, right? If you were a hat comic, let's say you were and you went up on stage you'd be like hey

I was just in such-and-such. They got a lot of meth over there. That's gonna kill Every one-nighter. Yeah across the country. They all know where the meth is. Yeah, everyone knows And because it's everywhere, but if you'd their town, they get fucking pissed at you. Right. You gotta say one town over. Even if they know that there's math in their town. Right. They just deny it.

It's from the next town over. No, Modesto, bro. You got it wrong. No, no, no, no, no. You got it wrong. That's Fresno, buddy. That's Fresno. Yeah, Fresno's got a bunch of meth, queer people.

In Fresno. Nothing but gays in Fresno's got a bunch of meth, queer people. In Fresno. Nothing but gays in Fresno. Let's just decide what spot sucks more than their spot, which is awesome. Our spot will kick your spot's ass. And on the bad list is always gay. That's always about two or three. Yep. Or meth.

Gay or meth. Gay and meth together. Usually they go together, though, don't they? That's true. Is that the argument? At the gay club, yes, they do. Which Fresno has plenty of. Woo, woo.

Woo, woo. Yeah. Now Modesto, bro. Fresno, okay? Better tell somebody. Better ask somebody. Yeah, there's some spots that are not good, and it's all the spots in between cities.

Yeah, I know. Cities get a bad rap, but guess what? It's not good to live on your own in the woods. No. It's not good. I mean, it's not bad as long as you're close to Denver or something like that. Sure. But just trying to do that out there in the middle of the Pacific Northwest thing or going out to South Dakota.

It's good. It lives on a Thousand Acre Ranch. Right. You know what a Thousand Acre Ranch looks like in South Dakota? The same as a sandbox, just way bigger. Right. And yeah, it's good to have privacy, but it's good to have people checking you every once in a while. You know?

Flat areas like Kansas. Couldn't believe how big. Where's the next guy? He's like 50 miles away. Right. 50 miles away is the next guy. What do you do if you need some shit? Well, I hope I have it.

Okay. What are you doing out here, man? Have you ever driven cross country, like the whole way across country? Only once when I was a little boy. The first thought you have around Kansas is we need to take all this from the Indians? Like, we needed all this shit.

We haven't even done anything with it yet. We stole it so slow. Oh, my God. It was like every couple weeks we took some more. We haven't done shit with it. Yeah, well, there's some spots. I mean, we've done a lot. We've done a lot.

There's some spots we give them at Fultron. I know. We tell them they can have their spot. Yeah. That's the weirdest thing ever. Not that I'm against it. Don't get me wrong. Just philosophically I'm saying Fultron. I know. We tell them they can have their spot. Yeah. That's the weirdest thing ever. Not that I'm against it. Don't get me wrong. I'm just, philosophically, I'm saying it's weird that you have, we have reservations.

And on the reservations, a lot of folks don't really even understand that those same laws don't apply. A reservation is not technically the United States of America. Like, they have their own law. Right. Yeah. So that's how gambling works. Yeah?

Yeah. People go, well, how's there a casino there? Oh, that's Indian land. Yeah. And everybody's like, what? Can we go in? Yeah, we can go in. Yeah. It's the Indians Casino. Oh, what the fuck? Right. You remember when those things started popping up? Yeah. And some of them

are really small, so you'll be driving through Oregon and you'll just be like, hey, that little, I don't know, 1,000 square feet, that shopping center is Indian. You can go in and gamble right next to the liquor store or whatever. It's crazy. Yeah, there's weird small ones. I saw a small one in Washington State. We were headed up to Mount Rainier, and there was this weird fucking casino right there. It was just real strange,

like bright, shiny neon lights, and everything's going ding, ding, ding. So if you're thinking of doing something stupid, it's like, come on, do it over here. Exactly. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You're like, all right, shit, fuck. I got to hook.

I got some money. Exactly. Oh, now I don't got no money damn. How do you think that building gets big? Why why was that building so big? Why is it so shiny? Why is there so much neon across money to run stupid? Oh, yeah, where's that money coming from? Assholes like you don't know how to play poker Silly bitch assholes like me ass me. Asshole's like me. That is a weird thing, though, that I don't think the people that are profiting off of that are entirely Indian. I don't think it's like only Native Americans that own those casinos.

What do you think goes on? I think you're allowed to go into business with a Native American if you're like an American. Right. Regular American. Right. You know, white guy like you. Right. You go into business. You're like the type of guy would show up. Listen, Mr. Wildflower. Right. You know, a white guy like you. Right. You go into business. You're like the type of guy who would show up.

Listen, Mr. Wildflower. Right. We have a plan here to make you quite a bit of money. Right. No more horses. No more tents. How about a Rolls Royce? You want a Rolls Royce?

We'll give you a Rolls Royce. Next thing you know, you've got a fucking giant-ass casino. And if you build a casino, people will come to it. Absolutely. No doubt about it. Yeah. People love it. Have you ever been to those ones that they have out in the middle of the California desert?

Like out San Bernardino area, you know, like way out past there? Yeah. And I've been like to ones like, you know, an hour outside of Vegas and stuff like that too. I played comedy shows at those. Whoa, those are dark. I left my soul in Laughlin. What was that like? That's pretty awful.

You just stand up in Laughlin? Yeah. What was that like? It was rough. It was absolutely rough, but at the same time, it wasn't that bad. There was plenty of laughs. It was just kind of like that dead feeling like, what are we doing here? You're dealing with people that settle for less. Or came to see you you yeah that's what it was they came to see the mc dude or

i mean think about that like there's a big difference between going to that place like being forced to go to that place and going that place and choosing to do shows there and having people come there because it's a spectacle. Right. Because it's, I mean, that's a unique slice of Americana. Absolutely. Yeah, and there's, like, you know, people from all over coming to, like, Laughlin instead of Vegas because it's, like, kind of cheaper and they can kind of. So it's not just people from Laughlin there. They must be so weird.

It is weird. They must be the weirdest people ever. It is weird. People that choose to go there. Like Like I've heard Reno is really weird too Reno I kind of like Really? Have you been there? Never

It's kind of cool because it's like It's halfway nice But it's not crazy like Vegas Do you know what I mean? It's not insane There's not as many people yelling There's not as many douchebags There's not as much diesel jeans.

It's like old Vegas. Yeah, it's still kind of all right. I'm not against Reno. I'm really not. So you've had fun times there? Definitely. I've never been, but I've heard nothing but bad things. Oh, okay.

Did Stan Hope record his first CD there? I think he did. I think Stan Hope recorded his first CD there back in the 1989, 1990, somewhere around there. I did a show at the Reno Hilton and it was in the basement and it was an old movie theater.

And I was there for like seven days that week and there was never more than 25 people in the audience. And then I saw somebody that I knew that was playing this huge 3000 theater

up on like the second floor or the first floor somewhere and i ran into him in the elevator and he was like come play my big show tonight so i did a shitty show in the basement for like 25 people and then i did a huge show for like 3000 people and then i went back down and did the late show in front of another 22 people and one guy brought his baby and shit. It was the most anticlimactic night of my life. He brought his baby? Somebody brought their baby in the audience and the club

runner was like, that's fine. That's fine. I mean, what's he supposed to do with the baby? Oh my god, that's hilarious. Drunks at a comedy club and a baby. Yeah, bring your baby to a casino in the first place and then bring it to a comedy show? Come on. I've seen your act, dude.

The words come out of your mouth into a baby's ears. That shit's offensive. It is. It's rude. It's more offensive to the- Did you change your act for the baby? No. Fuck the baby.

That baby's going to hear worse than me. You say that. How do you know, man? You should have changed your act for the little kid. That's all I'm saying. If I'm that guy, finding fault in you, the guy looking for fault. Yeah, why didn't he just change his act? How hard is it to change your act for a baby?

You don't want to change your act for a baby. Who the fuck are you, man? Huh? Man. What are you, anti-baby fuckhead? No, I got some rattle material. Did you see these fucking floods in Colorado? I didn't.

They finally released a gang of photos that show how devastating it was. It's incredible. Giant chunks of the highway just washed away. Streams became raging rivers. So many people's houses are fucked up this is they said a once in a thousand year storm and where exactly is this it's all in colorado it's like the town the entire town of lions colorado were told to evacuate this is insane i mean the runoff from last week's flood is just slowly making it down the side of the mountains and like we don't wrap our heads around how much water that is it's like oh the water rains and then comes down so what no you know no no not so what this is like

landscape changing house removing shit that's your house that's your property yeah it's gone and it never happens never happens but once every thousand years just something goes bonkers and this cold front or warm front or whatever the fuck it is it causes these things just decides to just unload the greatest Peter North load from the sky all over Colorado. It's really insane, man. It's really insane. They said 500 people are unaccounted for. 18,000 homes around the state have been fucked up.

This is incredible, man. 18,000 homes fucked up. More than 6,400 people have applied for aid by FEMA. More than $430,000 has been approved in individual assistance, such as temporary housing and home repairs, FEMA said Tuesday. So this is like financially it's going to be very devastating to all these people. This is incredible, man.

The pictures are insane. I urge you to go to Google and look at like streets that have just become raging rivers. It's really, really weird, man. Did you ever see that documentary on Katrina? Which one? There was one where, probably a lot of documentaries have this one, but they try to go, they were all on foot going across a bridge to, what's next door, Arkansas?

What state is next door? They were trying to go to a different county or a different state and the police on the other side were like, nah, you're not coming over. You're not coming into our land. They made them stay in New Orleans. Wow. It's really weird. Yeah. Like you can't cross state line Or county line or something What?

Isn't that insane? Just because they just decided Because you're refugees You can't cross Yeah That's hilarious That's awful They had a problem

They finally made it And then like the cops were there To be like nope They had a problem in Houston In Houston there was a lot of fucking people That were coming over from Katrina Maybe that was it Yeah Houston was bad man I remember we were there And we were there was a lot of fucking people that were coming over from Katrina. Maybe that was it. Yeah, Houston was bad, man.

I remember we were there, and we were there for a gig, and we went driving around, and we went down to this shelter. It was fucking crazy how many people were out there on the streets. Yeah. And I was like, what's going on? He goes, oh, these are all Katrina refugees. I was like, that is unbelievable. Yeah. That seems to be, that's a national emergency.

Right. Like, people need to go in there and, like, help these people out. Like, this is nuts. These people had houses, and now they're here. Like, is no one freaking out over this? Like, that could be you. That could be me. Absolutely.

In a second. Yeah. It's weird what we're just, we just accept the idea that this, the place that we're living in this is how it is and right this is just what it is and you know this is what the floor looks like right the trees look like no every now and then some shit happens that changes everything see these mountains right in front of your face dummy like where do you think those came from you know those were flat and then they became mountains yeah like it going to happen in this place too, stupid. Absolutely. No, no, no.

My property's been in the family for years. It's not going anywhere. My payments are always on time. We're just going to rebuild. I pay a substantial amount of taxes every year so I assure you I'm going nowhere. Meanwhile, a fucking mountain starts.

The mountaintop starts at his house. Yeah. Over the next million years, it moves 100 feet a day. You fucking crazy assholes. Human beings, man. We just decided that we could put a house right on the beach. Sure. This house is in Malibu.

Yeah. Like five million bucks plus. Right. Like right there. Right. There's the water underneath my house. This is where it's going to stay. It's not forever.

It's not forever. I mean, how much, what if it goes back? How much for, they can't even go back. It's like, where's my house? Well, it doesn't exist anymore. Well, can I rebuild? Nope. You can't rebuild because you don't own that spot.

That spot's the ocean now. You own it, but you can only like surf and maybe sail on it. Yeah, what do you do? You put a bobber? This is where my spot is. Maybe a dock. I own this one quarter of an acre that's now underwater that I paid 16 million for. Right.

That's my spot. I'm rich. I'm bigger than the ocean. You're never bigger than the fucking ocean. Yeah, the ocean's going to come in and steal from you. Yeah. The ocean stole your porch. It's the tax man.

Thank you, Susan Summers. It's amazing that everybody wants to live right there, though. It's so cool that it's almost worth it. Like, everybody wants to look at that water. They wants to live right there, though. It's so cool that it's almost worth it. Like, everybody wants to look at that water. They want to be right there. Yeah, it's nice. It's really nice. What is that, though?

Is it a humbling thing? Is it just an awe thing? Like, there's so much water. It's like, whoa. I don't know. I find it really relaxing and just really pretty. It improves your mood, I think. It must.

Because look, when you talk about beach towns, they're always super chill. That's the thing that everybody always says. Beach towns are super chill. Yeah. Oh, it's a laid-back beach community. It's super common. And what is that? Well, on top of what I think, that the water is relaxing and shit,

you've got to have a lot of money to live there, so you might be chilled the fuck out if you've got some savings. That's just my... Dude, you're dropping science. You're dropping math science. You should offer an online course. Maybe I will. I'm just dropping knowledge and gluten beers.

You know? Gluten-free beers. These beers are pretty good, right? Not bad at all, man. I'm enjoying this. Good. What's it called? We should...

It's called Mission or Omission, which makes more sense. They're taking out the gluten. They're not making it without gluten. They're taking it out. They're omitting it. Did you know that it's handcrafted? How else are you going to do it, dude? Very, very important.

With a machine? Come on. I'll tell you what. I'm a man of taste, and I do not prefer non-handcrafted beverages. What, is a machine going to make my beer? I don't think so. I demand craft. Me too.

And honor. And these are so good, they actually made the refrigerator in BevMo. Really? the refrigerator in BevMo. Most of the gluten beers or non-gluten beers on the shelf, getting hot, but these are ready for consumption because they know people want them. That's interesting.

BevMo needs to step up their game when it comes to that. Is that what it is? You have to step up your game? If Target can have fucking tons of refrigerators for their little grocery store, why does BevMo have this small area just for their beers? I mean, that's their whole thing.

They should be, like half the store should be a refrigerator. I think that's part of their deal. They're like, we got cheap drinks and we don't spend money on refrigeration.

I guess. Trader Joe's too. Yeah, they just stack everything up, I think. I think that's just exactly the idea. They just stack it up.

Look, you want a fucking case of beer for three bucks or not? You do? There it is. Go grab it. And this is for the serious drinker who knows what he wants a week from now. Yeah. Is that what it is?

Is it like the Costco of only drinks? I guess. Or the Trader Joe's of only drinks? I don't know. Those are a good deal. That's a smart thing. I went to Trader Joe's for the first time in a long time recently. I was like, this is a pretty good spot.

It's awesome. They have a lot of good shit, and it's cheap. It's not bad. What's the idea? Is it less quality than some places? The idea is it's not as... There's no name brands. So they make deals with all the people they buy shit from.

And they put their name on it. It comes to you cheap. Or maybe they have their own factories on top of that. So there's no name brands at all? No, there's name brands but they're not big name brands. Kellogg's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so they're all affiliated with these brands, whether they made a deal or whether

they manufacture it themselves. This is all what I assume is going on. Oh, my motherfucker's just making shit up. Yeah. Pretending he knows. But I'm still right though, right? Yeah, I think you are. I mean, in Ohio... Listen to who you're asking. I do all you are. I do that all the time. I just answer questions I don't know the answers to. In Ohio, Trader Joe's came before Whole Foods or any of the other places.

So I started off with Trader Joe's. Yeah, I think you're right. I think it's just like small farmers and small companies that they make deals with. And 2 Buck Chuck. Let's not look it up. Let's just assume we're right. Yeah, I've been made fun of buying the 2 Buck Chuck. Let's not look it up. Let's just assume we're right. Yeah, I've been made fun of buying the 2 Buck Chuck before, though.

Oh, that's great. By the woman working the register. Wow, what a bitch. Fuck me up. Well, she probably thought you were cute. She's depressed at your lack of motivation. Why can't you buy a nice $39 bottle of Chardonnay for me? Or perhaps a Pinot Noir for the gentleman.

They're like, we got some good $6 wines, dickhead. Fucking live a little. How much, is it really $2 for the wine? Charles Shaw's $2 and it's good. It's good. Is it really good? Yeah. Okay, bring it in. Can you bring some in next time? Sure. Okay, can you bring it in tomorrow? Maybe. It's not great.

Lazy bitch. Lazy bitch can't even commit to buying a $2 bottle of wine. I just don't know when. Yes, I can do it. I don't know when I'll be able to do it. I guess before I could do it. I got $2 on me. Is it possible?

Well, I have to go right here to do another podcast. And then I'm just thinking of time when Trader Joe's will be open. Which podcast is more important? Two Buck Chuck. This one. Have you not had Two Buck Chuck at all? No, I've never had it. It's actually, I mean, like literally, I could buy, I'll buy, you know what I'll do?

I'll buy a... Taste test. Yeah, I'll buy a $4, no, a $40 bottle of wine and then a two-buck chuck. Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. And then let you taste it and try to guess which one it is. That's a great idea because I am no sommelier. I do not know nothing. Yeah, that's a great idea, actually.

Two-buck chuck and a nice bottle of wine. What's a nice bottle of wine? Like 40 bucks is pretty nice. Something like that. And in a restaurant, that would be like 100 bucks, right? Absolutely. Now do I red and white? Fucking shitheads.

That's ridiculous, isn't it? Even if you bring your own wine in, it still costs you like $20, $30. Ah, cooking fee, sir. I hope you don't mind. What does that mean? That means you can't eat your shit in my spot unless you pay me. Don't be bringing your Starbucks up in here. That makes sense, though, because otherwise cheap assholes

are bringing, I brought my own wine. Save me $50. And be, you know, yelling it out the table next door. How much did you pay for that bottle? This bottle is actually a finer year and I brought it in by myself. How do you like that? Can you tell between Coke and Pepsi?

I think I can, but I don't think I care either. I only drink Diet Coke. I bet I could tell Diet Coke between Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi. I bet. I might be wrong, though. If I had to guess, it tastes so weird. If you don't exactly know what you're going to get, you're like, hmm.

I could easily do that. Pepsi to me is just fucking shit. I could easily do that yeah you have to me is this fucking shit I could tell the difference between root beer and dr. pepper can you tell just Mountain Dew and Code Red I was supposed to work the the Pepsi challenge when I first moved I mean the Pepsi challenge yeah what does that mean like you work the Pepsi channel well I first moved to LA. What does that mean? The Pepsi Challenge? Yeah, what does that mean? Like, you worked the Pepsi Challenge. Well, that means you set up a booth in front of a grocery store, and you have, like, a

taste test for people just walking in and out, and it's supposed to inspire people to buy Coke instead of Pepsi. Really? Yeah. But I got out of the car, and I saw the people I was going to work with, and I just fucking left. Why? What was it?

I don't know. They just seemed like they were having a good time, and I knew I was going to hate it. Why did you think you were going to work with, and I just fucking left. Why? What was it? I don't know. They just seemed like they were having a good time, and I knew I was going to hate it. Why did you think you were going to hate it? I just felt like I was. I don't know. Oh, that's so ridiculous. It was at some fair in Long Beach. That's so ridiculous.

Deep down, I didn't want to work. That's what it was. That's what it was. That makes more sense. You just found something to hate about it. I found some stupid reason to leave. There's got to be a way to find a fucking exit, trap door out of this bitch.

Well, I showed up and I tried. And I totally stood them up and they still called me for work. That's how bad this business was. They're probably just so desperado to get people to take that Pepsi challenge. Oh, yeah. And it was a dated thing. Like, that was the advertisement in the early 80s for Coke. But now they were trying to bring it back, some kind of retro style or something. Yeah.

Is Coke even threatened by Pepsi at this point? Not even... Oh, but hold on. Did the Pepsi win? I don't know, man. Who hired me? Do you guys remember? If you go to any sort of a bar, you know,

and you say, can I get a Coke? They say, is Pepsi okay? Who the fuck says no? Does anybody say no? Or if you say, can I get a Diet Coke? Sometimes they don't even tell you. How much variation is there in Diet Coke taste?

Quite a bit. Between the can, an actual can of Diet Coke, and that shit that comes out of that fountain. Boy, that's a big goddamn difference. A fountain's completely off because it's mixed different sometimes. And also a lot of places, like Mexican restaurants, will say that they have Coke.

Hey, hey, hey, easy. But they're actually using generic Coke syrup. I'm sure. RC Cola or some shit. RC Cola, yeah. I would assume that that's the same with a lot of places. There's places where you go, you're like, this does not taste like the Diet Coke that I grew up with. Not the Diet Coke that I know and love.

Yeah, there's a difference, right? Sure. I think there is. Who gives a fuck? How about that? I don't care. I try not to drink soda anyways. I give zero fucks.

Me too. Yeah. I could do lean pockets and generic lean pockets and tell you which ones. You could tell the difference between a lean and a generic? Generic lean pocket and a regular lean pocket. Are there generic lean pockets? Yeah. Oh, God.

What kind of fucking meat things are in a generic version? That must be disgusting. Your poor microwave, Brian. Could you do all fries? I could do all fries also. I think I could do that. I think I could. No, no.

No, test. Wendy's, McDonald's, Burger King. I'll tell you what. In-N-Out. In-N-Out is an easy one. Yeah. In-N-Out is an easy one. Animal Style.

Five Guys Burger is an easy one. Yeah. Those are the ones that dominate. Yeah. And then you just get really shitty when you start going over the other one. Yeah. In-N-Out is an easy one. Animal Style. Five Guys Burger is an easy one. Yeah. Those are the ones that dominate. Yeah. And then you just get really shitty when you start going

over the other ones. Absolutely. Nobody can fuck with Five Guys fries. It's delicious. They have spicy kind too. What is it, like Cajun style

or something like that? They have two different types of fries. It's hard to drive past a Five Guys. If you're on the East Coast, you're pretty much pulling over.

I'm gluten free, but that's the one thing that fucks with me. Hey, you get some lettuce wrapped around it. That's what I do at In-N-Out. Yeah.

You get protein style. They don't make it protein style at Five Guys. Well. They don't offer you a bunch of stupid little weak ass bitch options.

Oh, you're afraid of bread? What is it that didn't make you go potty? Well, you know what's not allergic to gluten is the fucking trash can. Throw that bread

in the trash can and start eating that burger. No, the bread tastes good. That's the problem. Once you get it, you'll eat it. Well, you know what's not allergic to gluten is the fucking trash can. Throw that bread in the trash can and start eating that burger. No, the bread tastes good. That's the problem. Once you get it, you'll eat it. I wouldn't want to take the bread off. It'd be like it's right there. Why don't I just eat this and suffer? You got a point.

And see how long it takes before I feel it again. I wonder what the, if you, like, they've said that if you eat gluten, it's supposed to linger in your system for like 30 days. That's why you say you don't really truly get the effects of being gluten-free unless you're gluten-free for like 30 days. How long have you been? It's been more than that. But it would be really ridiculous if you ate a cheeseburger and you had to fucking feel like shit for 30 days. Yeah.

That seems silly. That doesn't seem right. I think it would just kind of linger. You know, because like what, weed stays in your system for 30 days? You're not high 30 days later. The problem with all this gluten-free shit is the problem with everything that has to do with hippies. You kind of linger. You know, because, like, what, weed stays in your system for 30 days? You're not high 30 days later. The problem with all this gluten-free shit is the problem with everything that has to do with hippies. There's a lot of exaggeration and nonsense and cleansing.

There's a lot of cleansing going on. There's a lot of, like, really silly, non-scientific-based bullshit that they'll just say is fact. Well, the alkalinity of your body right now is off because you need to eat more papaya that come from Oregon. And I need you to kill Sharon Tate. That's later. How about gluten-free nonsense? Let's see what it says. Gluten-free nonsense.

I wonder, do you think the food pyramid is still probably the healthiest diet? No way! That shit is over! It's way off. You think it's way over? It's over! It's over! They always get it wrong, man. They get it wrong and then they correct it. They've got it wrong. The gluten, or the

food pyramid is almost all like grains and rice and bread. And that was made for people when everyone was like a farmer or something. Everyone was working all day. You know, strenuous activity. Well, also they say that the difference between the food that they ate when they created that food pyramid, you know, back in

the 50s or whatever the fuck it was, it's not the same. You could digest it. Yeah. Wheat was not the same back then as it is today. We really fuck wheat up, man. They apparently made wheat. They designed it along the way. Selective engineering. They designed it to just be more

and more durable. Is this the gay food pyramid? No, that's the lovely. The pointy tip is, what does it say? The pointy tip is protein, the red part. Yellow is fat. Blue is unrefined carbohydrates. What? And then the light blue is free sugars.

And when was this created? What year? This is the sugars. And when was this created? What year? This is the one... And the wider it is, the more you're supposed to eat? It's the current one, is what it's saying. So you're supposed to eat

more carbohydrates and protein, according to this pyramid? That thing says that, but I think that's probably... That's crazy. Is that the current food pyramid? What year is this? That's a 2002. Yeah, that's a long That's crazy. Is that the current food pyramid? What year is this? That's a 2002.

Yeah, that's a long-ass time ago, man. That's a long-ass time ago when it comes to the science of nutrition. Here's Time Magazine. It says it's all bullshit. Time Magazine, why we're wasting billions on gluten-free food. Most of us paying a premium to avoid gluten in our food are doing so without any good medical reason. Hmm. A new survey from market research firm the NPD Group finds that America is cutting gluten out of its diet in a big way. Just under one-third of 1,000 respondents agreed with the statement,

I'm trying to cut back, avoid gluten in my diet. That's the highest level since the company added gluten consumption to the surveys. It does about every American's eating habits in 2009. What does that say? It says that they're getting a positive response. What people have to understand is gluten tastes so fucking good. Bread is so delicious. Yes. And sandwiches are delicious. Bread is so delicious. Yes. And sandwiches are delicious

and pasta's delicious that if people are cutting that awesome shit out of their diet. Yes. Meanwhile, the gluten factories, they got together with Time Magazine and they said, listen, man,

they're talking shit about us, dude. Are we together in this, man? Are we going to advertise in your paper? If you don't support us, we're not going to be able to advertise. You understand that? If we go out of business, we're not making cupcakes anymore, man. Check out what Bulletproof Exec says.

Hey, Time Magazine, it's not the calories, stupid. Wow. Weight gain depends on the quality of what you eat, not how much. He's actually right. He's right. Bulletproof Executive is right. I mean, you can have high calorie, really healthy food and be really healthy, or you can have high calorie sugar crusted crap and be really unhealthy. He's definitely right in that sense. I mean, I've gotten to the point where I avoid bread if I can help it, just because I know I'll feel better afterwards. I haven't set any, like, you know, guidelines or rules for myself.

But, I mean, it clearly makes you, like, sluggish and tired as shit and fat, too. Meanwhile, it's delicious. Oh, my God, it's great. So good, though. Let's have some right now. Never-ending pasta bar at Olive Garden. Come on. Belzer thinks that the gluten-free craze is an evolution and

expansion of the low-carb trend. Unlike a dietary modification that affects only a fraction of the population, like cutting out certain foods to reduce cholesterol, framing the gluten-free issue as being about wellness, in quotes, makes it inclusive enough that everyone can participate. Digestive health has become a buzzword of how to deal with health in America today. You know, that's an interesting but sort of irresponsible thing to say, because the bottom line is there is a reality to the fact that wheat has been changed and has been made more durable over the past 60 years, and there's also a reality that some people have a reaction to it.

And to deny that is silly. To deny some people have a reaction to it and to deny that is silly to deny that people have a reaction to the inflammation I mean maybe they should have a little gluten every now and then but I know personally that cutting it out of my diet I felt more even after I'm done eating I don't feel as like wasted I don't feel as drained

that's gotta be better just makes sense I would say it's better. Too many people are doing it. It just doesn't seem to me. But then again, those fucking magnets. How many fucking people were wearing those magnets around their waist? Or their wrists, rather? I think Brody still has both of his on

on each side. Positive energy! Positive. What are the magnets supposed to do? Balance you, bro. Balance you. That's different than, like, what you eat, though. though yeah it's way different well there's a lot of people swore by those magnets though man i talked to professional athletes who swore by those magnets well you know you know athletes in sports that's all about like like good luck charms and like getting a good run going their mind yeah it's about

psyching yourself up sometimes those motherf those motherfuckers, those magnets. I had a guy talking to me about it. I was almost believing him. I was like, so it's really helping you. He goes, look, I know my body. I'm telling you. I put this magnet on, and all of a sudden, all my aches and pains went away. My posture changed.

Injuries that I've had for years are all healing up. I'm like, what the hell am I dealing with here? Right. Because fighters, man, fighters are like super superstitious. Yeah, like they, what is it? They don't have sex before fights and they don't. Some of them do. But they pick a superstition or like a philosophy

and they kind of stick with it, right? A lot of that. Yeah. A lot of them do that. But some of them, it's not like universally across the board. Some of them are pretty rational. Right. But some of them have like real crazy magnet things.

Yeah. Where it's like, I've seen like high level guys wearing magnets around their wrists. Like as recently as a month ago. Sure. It's like, get that fucking thing off. Well, it works a couple times and you're like, why not keep it on? Get it off. Have you ever had anybody try to sell you them? No. It's really interesting because it's a couple times, and you're like, why not keep it on? Cut it off. Have you ever had anybody try to sell you them?

No. It's really interesting because it's a con game, and they have a whole elaborate series of moves that they make you do. They put the bracelet on you, and then they take the bracelet off you. They try you first one way, and then they put the bracelet on you, and they try another. And what they do is they try to, like, move you, or you try to move them, or you hold their hand and try to lift them up and they're basically it's carnival tricks right

basically adjusting their weight making it more difficult or making it more easy right and someone who has understanding of body mechanics is pretty clear yeah so i'm like why are you so close now why are you so close that you were real far away before why are you so close now i got the bracelet now i'm going to be strong right you're closer. And the guy's like, no, no, no. No, no, no. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were over here. You were over here. How'd you even get put in that situation? Yeah, where was this? Mike

motherfucking Goldberg, my partner in the UFC was wearing one of those stupid fucking things. And the guy gave it to him. He didn't buy it. The guy gave it to him. The guy wanted to talk to me. Hey, I want to talk to you about our wellness hologram magnification things. And I was drunk. So I was like, okay.

What do you got there, man? And he made me do a whole series of things, like put my arm out and resist. And he had this thing, like put your arm straight, and I'm going to try to pick you up, or I'm going to move you, and I can't do it if i don't have the band on so he does it like two different ways and then you know like he gets you convinced this rubber band around his wrist is actually making him stronger an hour later he's late and then i'm trying to leave man he's trying to fuck my mouth and i'm trying to leave i'm like this is i'm trying to be nice at first. And then ultimately he makes me wear the rubber band.

And then I wear the rubber band. And then he tries to do the things to me. And I was like, dude, I see what you're doing. You're moving further and closer to me. I'm like, I'm not dumb. Like, come on. I'm like, this is silly. And I'm like, you still can't do it.

Go ahead, do it. I held on to the guy. I'm like, you ain't going anywhere. Stay put. This shit ain't going to work. This. It's not real is this guy have one on yeah Oh, this is it Watch this hustle the other hilarious As you can see you lose balance and it's very easy for me to push you up, okay We're not gonna bring in the token bracelet here.

It's the gym bracelet that makes it harder to move his arms. How fucking dumb you have to believe... Do you know how fucking dumb you have to be to think that that's a Wonder Woman magic bracelet that makes you stronger? Now watch this shit. Watch this. Now he can't. Oh my god, this it's amazing but he's the salesman and he's also no he's putting two hands in dude you don't even see that guy is so able to resist me he can resist him now for the sake of the camera we'll take the brace off and do it again for the sake of the camera here we go now you know it's very important because this is proof. What we're seeing right here is proof.

And now we'll just do the same thing again. Are you okay? Yeah, he can just say I can't do it. This is incredible. It's incredible. It's so provable. Look, it's done. The argument's over.

This shit works. Well, I got to get money. How did that happen? That was like in 2000, what, six, seven, somewhere along there? People were wearing those. Pro athletes in the UFC were wearing these fucking bracelets. Is it over? I believe it's pretty much over. A lot of those guys went to jail.

The guys that were selling them? Yeah, they had some false claims. They got sued. There's a bunch of different companies. Wow, they're risking danger. I know people have been sued. The hologram. There were different ones. Some of them were magnets. Some of them were holograms. The hologram. There were different ones. Some of them were magnets.

Some of them were holograms. The hologram ones were the ones that Goldie had. Uh-huh. Oh, they were so bad. That's what John Heffron had. It was so dumb. This guy, like, he made me, like, put my hand out like this, like straighten my arm out. And then I forget, like, am I supposed to lift him up

or he's supposed to lift me up? And I was like, God damn it. I don't understand. There's like a hologram around someone's wrist? It's a little tiny piece of, you know, they're calling it a hologram. It looks like a little circuit board. Okay. You know, it's got a bunch of stupid shit scribbled in it

like it's going to do magic to you. Right. And you put it on with a rubber band, and you're like, look, my arthritis went away. Does this guy have one of those? I'm here with Dakota Dunley, and we're going to dispel what everybody's been wearing. This is one of the hottest fads. It's called a hologram bracelet.

There's different companies out there that do use them. But the whole premise behind them is they're saying they're increasing athletic performance, balance, and overall well-being. And the point behind it is they have the hologram emits a frequency and it's supposed to harmonize the body and get the body to a proper frequency in the state of well-being and health. The problem is

they don't work. We're going to show you why. We even need to know why. The salesman will sell you the bracelet and based on that, you'll see that it works. But then we're going to take it. I don't care about that.

Do you care about that? Yeah, I kind of do. I want to see if it'll – It's not going to work. Well, we can't host the podcast. Yeah, we can. Do you have any tour dates coming up? Yeah, I do, man.

I'm mostly opening, but I think people want to come see. I'm in Vegas with Daniel Tosh, September 27th and 28th. I'm in Ontario Improv with your boy Joey Diaz, October 17th and October 19th. And I'm at the DC Improv, October 24th through 27th with your boy Bert Kreischer and I'm headlining in Nashville, Tennessee on October 28th. I did

some UFC shit today and drank two liters of water. Oh no. I just peed. This is the third time I've peed in the past two hours. I never left twice during a podcast before to pee. It's a two pee podcast. It's water pee. UTI. It's a 2P podcast. It's water, bitch. UTI.

Your neonatractive infections, they don't make you more, pee more. Prostate problems. They make you feel like you have to, I think. Really?

Your neonatractive? Someone knows. You just need a little bit of cranberry juice. You'll be fine. So this guy's dead. They killed him. Who?

The shooter guy. What happened? They have him cornered or something? They shot him. I don't know. They just shot him. This is really crazy shit. It's really almost more amazing that it doesn't happen more often.

That's true. With how available guns are. Not just how available guns are, but also how many people are coming back from war, how many people have experienced PTSD. That's how many people there are, period. 300 fucking million people in this country. That's a lot of people. That's a little too many. How many people were are, period. 300 fucking million people in this country. That's a lot of people. That's a little too many.

How many people were there 50 years ago here? Were there even 250? Was it even 250 million? I don't think so. Let's see. Population in the 1950s. I'm going to say we double. What was the population in the 1950s?

When Don Draper had a job. Let me have a look. Look at that. You like what you see. Because you're a dumb cunt. It's $150 million. There you go. Stupid bitch.

Listen. 1950 total U.S. population was $ 150,697,361. Siri, you silly fuckhead. Fired. You know, I bet Google could get it right, though. Google Voice. It would at least go to it. All right.

Who's got that? I got that shit. But I just realized all it's going to do is Google it. It's going to be the exact same thing as this. She's not going to answer. But they have that, Google has a version of that. A version of Siri where you ask a question. I haven't used it yet though.

I've never done that. It doesn't seem to bring up a lot of answers. Think about that number, man. Think about that number, 150 million. That's like half. That's half. That's 1950. 1950 is half as many people. That's like half. That's half. That's 1950. 1950 is half as many people. That's crazy.

Crazy. That's crazy. That's not good. I mean, if that keeps going in that same direction, that seems like a lot of people. It's a lot of people. It's already a lot of people. And the thing is, a place like Los Angeles, how is that sustainable? I don't know.

Where are you from? You're from Maryland? I'm from Maryland. I've been back there this summer and we're still chilling down there. There's still nobody there. My parents are complaining that there's more people there but I can't tell the difference. Sometimes there's cars on the road with us.

They're on the same road and there's a car with us. I'll wait in line at the grocery store now. It's unbearable. We have weird rules here too with those lanes where you're allowed to drive, the diamond lane. You're allowed, if you have a baby in your car, you're allowed to use the diamond lane. Hmm. That's not really carpooling. That's not saving gas.

You have two humans. It's like you have to have two life forms in the car that can speak. Two that have the potential of one day even driving. Yeah, one that would be going to work in their own car. Yeah, if you're driving your kids, if you're a single parent and you have two kids and you're driving them in your car, that's a carpool. If you have one kid, that's a carpool. Have you ever gone in the carpool only by yourself? What, I mean admitted only by yourself What I mean

And admitted over a podcast I mean Joey Diaz does it every day Every day You know I do dog I get in that fucking carpool lane Because when they pull him over He goes look at the fucking size of me I'm 400 fucking pounds

I'm two people cocksucker We love this guy I got a woman inside me Trying to get out No I don't do that I don't mess with that I don't mess with that We love this guy. I got a woman inside me trying to get out. No, I don't do that. I don't mess with that. I don't mess with that, yeah. Fuck with my points, man.

I don't want to get a... It's points and it's an expensive ticket right off the bat. The government, man. See? The real problem is there's too many fucking people. When you get on that highway, like if you drive to San Diego, I tried to drive to San Diego on a Friday. You've done that before, right?

Doing gigs? Yeah. You get on that highway, it's pointless. You got to leave at 1.30 to drive to San Diego on a Friday. You've done that before, right? Doing gigs? Yeah. You get on that highway, it's pointless. You've got to leave at 1.30 to do an 8 o'clock show. You do. You do.

That's not bullshit. You could easily run into five hours of traffic. Easily. Just to get there an hour before the gig. Yeah. That whole Orange County thing

is madness. I talked to someone I met at Disneyland and she told me that she drives it every day Her and her husband both drive it every day They live in Orange County and they drive to LA And they do it every day They work in LA and they drive back home to Orange County

And they're in the car The guy said he's in the car at least two hours every day My friend Dave does that Just the opposite, LA to Orange County every day Back and forth We're calling that three to four hours a day. Oh, yeah, excuse me. I said two hours every day.

I meant every trip. Right. Two hours up and back. He's one of the happiest guys I know. I would lose my fucking mind. Maybe he's got audible.com. He probably does have audible.com. That would be a big help.

Maybe he's listening to this podcast right now. Probably is. I would take the train, man. What's up, Dave? It has Wi-Fi. What up, Dave? Have you done that? The train has Wi-Fi?? It has Wi-Fi. What up, Dave? Have you done that? The train has Wi-Fi?

The train has Wi-Fi. You pay like 50 bucks, it's got Wi-Fi, it's like, what, two hours? That's great until some drifter parks their shopping cart

in the middle of the fucking tracks and you go flying off, careening into the woods. Which train is this? Is it a train that goes to Orange County? Amtrak or some shit?

Yeah, it goes all the way down from LA all the way down to San Diego. Can you get to the Irvine Improv with this train? Probably. Can you? I think you can. I think there's a stop somewhere in the middle. Whoa. I might do that. How great is this?

Yeah, that drive to Irvine. I'm doing, by the way. Nice transition. By the way, I'm out of November. I'm there first weekend. November 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. Nice. Irvine Improv. That fucking place is I'm there first weekend November first, second and third

at Irvine Improv that fucking place is awesome good times yeah that's a fun club too man that Irvine Improv is a fun one it's a

one of those it's like the Improv has got it nailed in like 10 different locations all across the country they used to have it nailed in Louisville

man it sucks that Louisville went under. It's gone. But the Irvine Improv is back. I mean, Tempe. Tempe is back. I know, yeah, and that was pretty good. I just played that. That was another one that had it nailed.

That place is beautiful. It's great. I really like it. But now it's going to stand up live. That's great, too. Stand up live is great, too. Transition. But we had been working there for so long.

I was so bummed out when that place went under. Is it a different location now? Tempe? Yeah. I don't think so. Oh, okay. Tempe's not different, is it? I never played the old one.

This is why I'm asking. What did it look like? Was it upstairs? I never played the old Tempe. What's the new one like? Oh, I'm sorry. The new one, it's like, yeah, it is upstairs. Okay.

Absolutely. They remodeled it a little same spot I heard does it have two rooms does it have a little tiny room too still no it doesn't

but it does is there a balcony yeah there's a balcony it's gotta be the same place it's the same place yeah yeah they have a little tiny room that they were using

for a while too like a 90 100 seater and Todd Glass yeah used to do shows there all the time oh yeah I heard about that

yeah yeah we worked together like he did the little room and I did the big room. Nice. And it was a weird, yeah, he's right. That's a really fucking badass little room. I'm going to get him on the podcast.

Super intimate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've talked about it a few times. We just haven't coordinated. There's a bunch of people I need to get on. I've been going back and forth with Pat and Oswald. I need to get him on as well. But I'm glad that we're expanding at least.

Getting more people. Slowly but surely. Yeah. Right on. Matt Fultron, in for the first time today. Very happy to be here. Thank you so much for having me in, man.

Where have you been touring, man? I was in North Carolina. I was in Pittsburgh. I was in Richmond, I did I was in North Carolina I was in Pittsburgh I was in Richmond, Virginia I was in Tempe And I was in Tacoma Damn Tacoma

Yeah What is that like? Tacoma was fun And it was really It was really nice Really beautiful out It was last week So it was really nice out

Tacoma Yeah Tacoma, Washington What's up there? Uh I don't know out. Tacoma? Yeah, Tacoma, Washington. What's up there? I don't know. Just the Tacoma Comedy Club. Some bridges, some water, some nice weather. Wow.

You know, Starbucks. Where do the people live? Where do the people live? Yeah. Do they live like homes outside Tacoma? In the suburbs outside Tacoma. And within the city as well. How many people live in Tacoma?

I don't know. Say like 100,000? Let's say 200,000. 200,000. 150,000. That's a good spot. Okay, give me a moment. Oh, bitch.

Get on it, bitch. Oh, with the excuses. 198,000 people. Dude, that was a very good guess. Damn. Matt Fultron. Yeah, that was a very good guess. Damn. Matt Fultron. Yeah. No, I did my homework.

I'm not going to go on stage cold. I'm going to look at Wikipedia. That's a good number. I lived in Boulder and there's 100,000 in Boulder. I like that too. I think when you start getting real big, it becomes like a real weird problem. People lose their meaning. Yeah.

They're not valuable anymore. They're pests. just, people lose their meaning. Yeah. They're not valuable anymore. There are pests. There's too many of them. People are nicer to people in a smaller area, a smaller town. I really believe that. And so Tacoma's like

a little smaller. I don't know how much smaller, but it's definitely smaller than Seattle. Same vibe though. Tacoma must be awesome then because Seattle's awesome. Seattle's awesome.

Tacoma's awesome. Portland's awesome. All that shit. Tacoma's awesome. Portland's awesome. All that shit. Tacoma, that's Washington State as well. Do they clearly celebrate this new ruling where marijuana is legal? They absolutely do. Is the pot flowing in the streets? They're the people that voted for it.

Yeah. No, you get pot with every soft drink and every meal. No, I didn't see any of it, to be honest with you. You didn't see any of it? I didn't see any weed at all. I was there three days. I didn't see any weed., to be honest with you. You didn't see any of it? I didn't see any weed at all. I was there three days and didn't see any weed. Okay, are you a cop? Yes. Fuck! He asked me, I had to tell. Yeah, remember

those? Those old cop shows? I gotta go, guys. God damn it! Remember those old cop shows? Someone actually would have to tell. Yeah, yeah. Like, people believe the cops would tell the truth. I fucking told him. I told him I was a cop. He kept giving me heroin. Yeah, but believe the cops would tell the truth i fucking had i told him told him i was a cop he kept giving me heroin yeah but it's there i mean it's legal but i don't know what that means what does that mean joe i think it means it's legal and you could just go buy it just like you can buy it here but

you can't get in any kind of trouble whatsoever well the real question is do they have the resources to do anything about it and if they don't do anything about it and it starts spreading, how are they going to handle it? And it seems that they have decided not to dedicate their resources in the recent statements. See, they could change that in a heartbeat. The recent statements by Eric Holder were that they were going to ignore that and allow the states to do their own thing,

and they weren't going to go after them. That doesn't mean they won't go after them. And the way they go after them is really kind of sneaky. The way they go after the medical marijuana places is they raid them, they take their drugs, they take their money, then they hold a case. They say your case is pending, and they never get their money back, and they never get their weed, and who knows where it all goes.

Right. They just steal it, and it goes into the coffers of the state police or the local police or what have you. And those people, good luck going to court and getting your money back. You're not going to get your money back. So you were selling illegal drugs, and you want us to give you the profits back. Oh. I don't get it. Right.

And for the federal government, it's always illegal. It doesn't matter what the state law is. The federal law, they think, trumps the state law. So even if you live in a just state that makes sense, a smart, just state, your real problem is you're surrounded by cunty shitheads that are controlling all the states, the overlords, the federal overlords, which aren't even supposed to be there. You're not even supposed to have that unless you're at war. So the solution is to be perpetually at war.

Right. The fuck full charge? It's pretty ridiculous. And it's pretty unnecessary. I mean, can you imagine being in jail for having weed? There's probably a lot of people listening to this right now that are in jail. You think they can listen to this in jail? I know they can.

How do you know this? If they have the internet. I'm a cop, goddammit! Full cop. Full charge cop. People on the internet, they can get on the internet in jail? I think they can. Some places?

Some places. Does it depend on maximum, minimum? I don't know what it comes down to, but I, for some reason, think that some people have access to the internet in jail. Could be wrong. They don't have it on Orange is the New Black. That's pretty much what I base all my prison information on.

I heard half of them have cell phones. Yeah, like hidden cell phones? Half of them. They get snuck. Dildo-shaped cell phones? Yeah. It's a banana phone. Remember that?uck. Dildo-shaped cell phones. Yeah. It's a banana phone. Remember that?

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. It's a banana phone. Banana phone. Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock. Banana phone. How do they get phones? There must be so much fucking corruption as far as prison guards go and shit. It's got to be out of control.

There was this dude that used to train at my old school, Taekwondo school, that was a prison guard. He was so shady. Yeah? So shady. He was the type of guy that you'd be watching one of those 2 a.m. shows and he was having an affair so he killed his wife and blamed it on her brother or something. He's that kind of guy and yet he was a a guard it was just so shady that's one of those jobs where even if

you go in with the best of intentions you're walking out a total dickhead what with questionable morals what a fucking work environment man and less faith in the human race a way less faith imagine that work environment being inside a fucking cage with a bunch of savages all day, and then you get to leave. Congratulations, you get to leave. Yay. And guess what? Come back tomorrow.

For 10 hours. So sleep somewhere else, think about how fucked up it is to have no freedom, and then come back to the place. And then try to appreciate human beings when everyone's throwing shit at you. Yeah. They're hucking human shit at you. It gets in your mouth. I don't think there's anything more terrifying than prison that I can think of.

The jungle. Well, there's that. But at least in the jungle you can carve out your own life. Yeah, and you can just be like, you don't take it as personally when a fucking lion eats you. You're like, eh, that was what was going to happen. If you had to choose between living in prison and getting healthy meals three times a day or striking out

into the Amazon and trying to go it alone and then wandering into random bands of aborigines and trying to convince them to not eat you. Oh, fuck.

Avoid all the bugs, jaguars, caimans, crocodiles. I'm going with jungle. Goodiles. I'm going with jungle. Good man. I'm going with jungle because you're going to die in the jungle, but at least you've got some freedom in the meantime.

I like the way you think, boy. Go out with your boots on. Yeah. You're going to die in prison too. Sure. With two dudes using you as Chinese finger handcuffs. Yeah, and that's way worth the way to die. You're going to plug up your air too. Sure. With two dudes using you as Chinese finger handcuffs. Yeah, and that's way worth the way to die. They're just going to plug up your air holes.

Oh. Just, yeah. And you're not even going to like them. You're going to hate it. You might grow to like it. They say that that happens. Well, it is human attention, but it's not really what I want. And I'm picking spears to the face every time.

I mean real weapons. So, Matt Fultron, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Since 1998. It's about 15 years. And you started out in Maryland? I started out in L.A. Oh, you went crazy. I made the huge mistake.

But I did it anyways. Ari Shaffir did it. Tom Segura did it. A lot of people have done it. You know what's good about doing it in L.A.? The standard's very high. Absolutely. I agree.

There's a real problem with some small, like, we were in Pittsburgh once, and, like, my opening guy couldn't make it, and so the club was like, listen, we have this local guy. He's fucking hilarious. Like, you have to, oh, my Jesus, was he not that. Any guys that the club loves, they're always like, women are always cold, man. Like like it's always like it's always like some regular regular shit it was no offense to anybody out there with that example but you

know what i mean he did a whole bit about old people driving it was yeah took the wind out of my life but the audience probably loved it right oh my god it's so true oh my god it's so true. Oh my God, it's so true. You're so right. Oh my God, that is so true. So that was the good thing about LA was I got to see that like, oh, there's all this stuff that I can't do. Right. I have to be original. Can't get a Ferrari. You can't live at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Yeah. Can't throw Molotov cocktails off the Mondrian. Right. There's so much you can't do here. Right, right, right. But as far as material. Yeah. As far as material, there cocktails off the Mondrian. Right. There's so much you can't do here. Right, right, right. But as far as material. Yeah, as far as material, there's a lot of shit that gets done to death. And honestly, before the internet, it was hard to tell what everybody's doing, especially when you first start.

Oh, hell yeah, man. Hell yeah. So you just kind of had to figure it out and have people tell you and stuff like that. It was easy to be hacky. Absolutely. There was like a hack hand easy to be hacky absolutely you know just like it was like a hack handbook to pick together certain subjects how many people have gone to the store for your wife to get the tampons right and there's no fucking price tag on them price check price check on the

tampons right that that joke has been done literally more times than people have bought tampons. And people would actually tell you to be hackier. What's hackier than that? The fucking metal detector with the mic stand. Airplane. Oh, that's kind of hacky. Anything with airplanes or hotel rooms.

You can still do original shit on all this Yes But as a general rule Yeah unless something really came up That you need to discuss That only applied to you Yeah most likely you should drop it You know what's crazy

Because doing that podcast with Tony I have to watch so much open micers now Like tons And it's so weird seeing how much racism is used early on uh immediately and uh just like overall hate with women like like women like calling them bitches and cunts i saw that in richmond virginia they asked me to come by like a writing session type open mic and like like like bitch was like a huge punch line when talking to women and i was like hey that's funny for us guys but when you do it in front of a like a huge punchline when talking to women And I was like hey that's funny for us guys

But when you do it in front of a Like a paying audience They won't like that as much Because it's mean Because when you first start You really are just doing it like it's a club With like 20 guys That meet every week

Not only that they're probably like crazy Alcoholic Angry, failures Things aren't going well every week. Not only that, they're probably crazy, alcoholic, angry, failures. Things aren't going well if you start doing open mics. Let's put it that way. That is also a problem with playing to the room. If you're playing to the back of the room. We all

know comics who fuck themselves by doing bits that only comics would laugh at. Absolutely. That was a problem with starting in LA. I did that for years and years and years and years. And years. Really? Absolutely. So you did bits just to make the other comics impressed?

That's just what I was used to doing for the first three years, let's say. So I never quite shook that for the longest time. Really? Yeah. And I'm not saying that's what I did 100 hundred percent of the time, but here's a, here's a good example. I did, um, let's say I did a live at Gotham on Comedy Central. You hosted one of those. The whole thing was savers. So the jokes were designed to fail and the real jokes were the savers. What does that mean? Well, I do a joke that was kind of shitty and then I'd brag about how funny it was.

That's my whole Live at Gotham set. And that's pretty much back to the room type of thing. So that was like your act back then? Absolutely. Hmm. And I had to pick up the pieces. Once I started doing the road a lot and started headlining, it's like

that's not going to work. I'm glad I did it, but I got to move on. That's interesting. You know? And people really liked it too. A lot of people, not just comics, but I couldn't do it for a general audience that had never seen me before. Wow. And if they had seen me before, they heard those jokes before. So guess what? It's over. There's a big adjustment period when you start going on the road, isn't there?

Absolutely. I'm still going through it. Like just to get that 45 that appeals to everybody, still going through it. And are you headlining in most places now i'd say like half the places half the places yeah and now what what credits do you have like do you have a comedy central presents i got a comedy central presents i got a craig ferguson live at gotham what is that last comic four i made it to like the top 40. And is that enough to get like a headlining gig on a road? It is sometimes, but it's not like, oh, we got to have them. Right. It's just kind of like some entry level shit at this point.

But that's so important, man. Yeah. We're so lucky those gigs exist. Yeah. You know, those clubs that elect. Like I like when I look at a club and I go, who's that guy? I like that. Yeah.

I like to know this guy's headlining for a week, you know, and I've never even heard of him. Right. He's at a club, and I go, who's that guy? I like that. Yeah. I like to know that this guy's headlining for a week, and I've never even heard of him. Right. He's at a nice club. Maybe this guy will catch on. Maybe people go, oh, we've got to go see that Matt Fultron. He was fucking hilarious. Or that Kevin blah, blah, blah.

Right. Right. I think it's just so important that those clubs still exist, that the Zanies in Nashville still exist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those clubs are everything, man. Without those clubs, fuck. Absolutely.

The Ice House. They're kind of more fun. No disrespect to the chains and stuff, but they are kind of more fun. Yeah. Well, there's a feeling to them. Like, when you do Zanies or when you do the Punchline Atlanta, it's like you realize you're doing a part of, like, comedy history. Right.

That's a real comedy history place. And sometimes we do a chain and you feel like you're at like TGI Fridays or something. Oh yeah, man. You know. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. There's also the difference

between the, there's a history of comedy in those places that's on the walls. Yeah. Like Zany's. Yeah. Like I took a bunch of photos

and put them on my Instagram last time I was there. Yeah. Because you walk around the walls and you're like, look at all these fucking pictures, man. This is crazy. And even, yeah, a lot of photos and put them on my Instagram last time I was there. Yeah. Because you walk around the walls, you're like, look at all these fucking pictures, man. This is crazy. And even, yeah, a lot of the guys you still know and still think of, they're like, they're

old headshot that you've never seen before. Yeah. It's like an old headshot they used to use. Yeah. Like, like Ron White. Or a lot of guys who are dead. Sure. That's another thing.

Usually they have a whole wall for that nowadays. To move them to the wall, to the dead wall? There's a dead wall at a lot of places now. They don't have that in Zanies. Sure. That's another thing. Usually they have a whole wall for that nowadays. To move them to the wall? To the dead wall? There's a dead wall at a lot of places now. They don't have that in Zanies. They just go with how they put it up. Right. They just have a lot of people that just happen to now be dead. Yeah. It's so strange

when you just look back at old pictures and look back at pictures now and you're like, oh, I'm aging. Oh, it's happening. It all happens happening this shit is going on whether you like it or not it's always weird when you realize that like the laws of physics apply to you too you're like but no i'm me laws of death yeah exactly it is a weird thing and it's always moving it's a big issue for human yeah humans, one of the biggest issues is humanity. Yes.

One of the biggest issues is mortality. Your own design. The human. This thing that's going to one day stop being here. And it's what carries you everywhere. Hey, that's me. The funny thing is when you turn like 20. Is that you?

That's me in the 90s. The funny thing is when you turn 20 or 22 and you're like, man, I can't believe I'm a grown-up. I'm so old. And we've all said it once. Well, girls love to say things like that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so old.

I'm 30. And it's good to say, yeah, you really are. Oh, my God, I'm 30. Keeps them in check. But if you're... Stop that, Brian. If you're 30 years old and you have a job, you feel like you're old. Well, yeah. I mean, it's all set up. If you're working 40 old and you have a job, you feel like you're old.

Well, yeah. I mean, it's all set up. If you're working 40 hours a day every day, 30 years old, you can be like, I'm old. I'm fucking tired. You can feel the tired. You can feel the fatigue. How about when you talk to people and you find out, well, we're on this project, so we're doing 16, 17-hour days. What kind of a job expects you to be working 16 hours a fucking day?

I don't care what project you're working on. Wow, it's a major motion picture. Oh, so they're only going to make X amount of money instead of Z? Right. If you work eight hours a day like a fucking human? Yeah, no, the film business is the worst. They work their guys to death. People show up

the next day all Adderall'd up and fucking wide-eyed and crazy, drinking coffee, talking too much. Poor fucks just redlining their engine

for this stupid studio. Just to make like Gremlins 3 or some shit. Gremlins 3? Gremlins 3 is probably pretty good it would be great

did you see The World's End yes I did what'd you think I thought it was funny I loved it I thought it was funny just wanted to check

if you didn't like it I wouldn't like you anymore good it's good to know there's gonna be tests isn't it funny that some people get so uptight

about things what you like that band fuck you Joey Diaz hates Kiss. He got mad at Eddie Bravo liking Kiss. And I go, Eddie Bravo likes that fucking Kiss shit. I go, Kiss is great.

Get the fuck out of here! I go, I like it! You can't tell me what I like when I don't like. Right. Oh, it's great when you're fucking 16. I'm like, I enjoy it right now. You can't tell me what I like. God damn it

Joey will get fucking mad at you So Joey's got a bunch of rules, huh? No negotiation, cocksucker There's no fucking voicemails And there's no kiss The first time I met Joey He got really mad at me But he's been cool to me ever since

What did he get mad at you about? He was hosting the open mic at the comedy store And I was just starting out And Cater got me up And before I even got on stage He was doing this whole rant about the Comedy Store, and I was just starting out, and Kader got me up. And before I even got on stage, he was doing this whole rant about, like, if you got a nice haircut, and you just want to be in show business, and you think you're cute, go the fuck down to the Laugh Factory.

This is the fucking Comedy Store. Right? You know what I mean? What year was this? This is, like, 2000, 99, something like that. And so I go on stage, and I did, like, just fine. I had this, like, it's not a good bit, but I was young and it was about like an alarm clock that insults you. It was like, you got a receding hairline.

You got a receding hairline. The punchlines repeated themselves. I look over and Joe is just standing at the other stage, like with his arms crossed, like staring me down. And so I get off stage and he's like, go the fuck down to the laugh factory, you motherfucker. He's like, shut the fuck up. shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, like imitating my joke. And I was like, whoa. Cut to four years later, he's like, this motherfucker right here,

I love this motherfucker, you're the funniest motherfucker on the planet. You probably caught him when he was coming down. Yeah. You probably caught him and, like, you know, he has a whole, like whole stock market thing going on. I've been in the room by myself with him during one of those peaks, and it's very scary. Here's the thing.

For some reason, he assaulted Brian White. Did he really? Grabbed his hand, twisted him up. Finger and stuff. Steven Seagal-ed him. I didn't take it too personally, because at least the audience liked it. I didn't take it too personally. We said it on stage.

Yeah, but that's the thing. It was pot luck. So pot luck is all about ripping the audience liked it. I didn't take it too personally. We said it on stage. Yeah, but that's the thing. It was pot luck. So pot luck is all about ripping the open micers. Used to be. Used to be. When I hosted, I never did. Because probably for things like that. It's not anymore?

It doesn't even exist anymore. Oh, it doesn't? Well, I guess they still have Monday of some kind. But you're talking about Sunday nights, right? It's Sunday and Monday. But the point is, he's one of the coolest motherfuckers on the planet to me And he has no idea this ever He has no idea I was the guy with the nice haircut

Yeah, he probably forgot Yeah So hopefully he doesn't listen to this I love this motherfucker It's the Dunbar's number thing Yeah He doesn't have any room But for you that was Joey Diaz

But he doesn't have any room For that, you know That many people back then He has to get to eat. All right, I'll let this motherfucker in my box. Right, right, right, right.

That's what it was. I want him coming in my memory box. He lost a couple guys that month, like the four years later. He's like, this guy's in the box now.

I'll put you in the box, my full truck. Yeah, so, shouts out to Joey Diaz. I love you, and I don't mean any disrespect, for reals.

He's a classic human being. I'm working with him in Ontario in the middle of October, and I'm very excited any disrespect. For real. He's a classic human being. I'm working with him in Ontario in the middle of October, and I'm very excited about it. Oh, that's nice, man. Yes. Ontario's the shit. I'm in Ontario the first weekend of October.

So you guys are like two weekends after that, right? Yeah. Yeah, place is awesome. I like how high the stage is. Yeah. I really liked it. I like the way Ontario's built. It's a good place.

Yeah. All those improvs, man. You can't go wrong. It's like Robert Hartman came to my show in Braille last week, and I was saying, like, you know, it's so nice that there's clubs where you're guaranteed nothing's going to go wrong. Right.

Like, the setup is going to be nice. They all look the same inside. They all run smooth. They all know what to do. It's 9 o'clock. The show starts. Dun, dun, dun. Dun. You know how to do it. They've been the same inside. They all run smooth. They all know what to do. It's 9 o'clock. The show starts. Dun, dun, dun. Dun.

They know how to do it. They've been doing it since the beginning of fucking time. Yeah. So huge. Where would comedy be if it wasn't for people that are willing

to open up comedy clubs? Because it wouldn't be you and me. No, no, no. I wouldn't want to do all the heavy lifting. It wouldn't be Tommy Buns. Yeah. Brian Redband

wouldn't be fucking organizing staff and having fucking meetings and showing where the forks go. Yeah, that's the tough part. Between shows, when you see everybody cleaning up in like 10 minutes, you're like, wow. So I guess I didn't really do any work just now. How about a place like the Ice House that serves nice food? Like, they have a chef there now.

The food's fucking good. They made me a steak, steak and potatoes there. Beautiful. It was goddamn delicious. So basically, you're running a restaurant and a zoo. Right. A stand-up comic zoo. How come people laugh so hard at the Ice House?

What's going on? What do you mean? I don't know. I go there, people laugh like extra loud at the Ice House. It probably seems extra loud because that ceiling's so low. That place is the perfect spot. It's awesome. More drunk people too.

There's a lot of drunks. That setup though, that low ceiling, that's such a classic setup. That place is the perfect spot. It's awesome. More drunk people, too. There's a lot of drunks. That setup, though, that low ceiling, that's such a classic setup. That's one thing I don't understand why the improv and the funny bone don't do. It's like low ceiling just makes everything so much better. Who the fuck said they were playing to the balcony at the ice house until they realized there was no balcony? Who was it? Somebody was hammered. I don't know.

It might have been Callan. He might have been so high that he thought there was a balcony. Because I don't know. It might have been Callan. He might have been so high that he thought there was a balcony. Because I don't think he works there very often. That's how loud the audience was. He's like, this room's twice as big as it looks like. I think it was Tom Segura. It might have been Tom Segura. Yeah, you know what?

It was Tom Segura. Buns playing to the back of the room, and there was no back of the room. Tommy Buns got lit. He got a little lit. Burnt buns. Well, that's, you know, we always say that that place is like, everybody there is so fucking cool. The waiters are cool. The bartenders are cool. The waitresses are cool. The managers are cool. It's such an easy place to get lit in because you feel comfortable and you want to start buying people drinks. Come on, buy you a drink. Come on. I'm pro-liquor, folks.

Don't get me wrong. Yeah. But it can make a fool out of you. Oh, yeah. But it's also responsible for a lot of important shit. Yeah. Like most of the people on the planet. If there was nobody drinking, how much population? We'd still be at 150 million in this country.

People getting drunk texting each other. How many babies were made because people got drunk and texted each other? Six figures at least. Probably seven. Yeah, at least a few. It's got to be insane. The amount of people today in this day and age that were, I would like to know, that were directly given birth, like conceived by a drunk text.

Like a drunk text started the chain of events that led to conception. How many? I can't. It's a lot. It's a lot at this point. We're getting close to seven figures. We're getting close to a million. Close to a million from drunk texts?

Over the past 10 years, I would say most hookups start that way. I'm just, I think. What do you think if you had to say this? Okay, we got phones, and then we got text messages, and then we got the internet, okay? And then once we started getting the internet, and we're starting social media, Facebook, and shit like that, what do you think is going to be the next thing?

social media, Facebook, and shit like that, what do you think is going to be the next thing? What is going to be the one thing that pops us out of this technology bubble and brings us even fucking closer to each other? I can't think of it. The only thing I can think of, it seems impossible. What is that? And that's some Star Trek beaming people around type shit.

Hmm. Why is that the next thing? You don't think there's more room for information? I can't think of what the next thing is. I think FaceTime is going to become more popular. I don't think there's going to be any phone calls after a while where you have to look at the person. Really?

I think that's going to go down, and I'm not excited about it either. Aren't you seeing more texting, though, than phone calls? Absolutely. You're right about that. I remember I used to joke around about texting but like why are you texting me be like why don't you call me like you leave them you would talk to each other yeah explain why you're making me read and somewhere along the line i realized like i text way more than i call people now well because you can kind of do it you can you can just do just what you're in the mood

for i just want to talk to you just a little bit at a time. I don't want to commit to getting on the phone with you. You know what's something weird? When texts start going weird, when you text someone back and forth and back and forth and back and forth, and you're like, listen, I'm just going to call you, and they don't pick up. So annoying. And you're like, oh. Yeah.

You're like, okay, what are we doing here? Are we playing a game? It's because they can't screenshot calls. Well, it's because they can't. Oh, people do love to screenshot. Fuck yeah. They're sending your fight to their girlfriends. Yeah.

OMG. It's awful. It takes them three seconds to just screenshot the last hour of fighting and sending it to you. And I saw that happening all the time with my exes. Yeah, that certainly happens. That certainly happens, but you know what else happens? There's a weirdness in text.

There's a two-dimensionality to it. It doesn't really convey who you really are. You're not exchanging. It's like if you say something to me and I'll go, well, I didn't know. And you go, well, you should have known. Okay, I'm I'll go, well, I didn't know. And you go, well, you should have known. Okay, I'm sorry. I really, I'm honestly, I didn't know.

And they go, all right. And then like you work it through and you're like, relax. Like you both relax. You both realize like this person's not trying to be mean or that person. It's just like there's an honest misunderstanding that does happen. But sometimes honest misunderstandings relayed by text become these fucking weird personal things. Yeah. Where people say shitty things to each other.

Absolutely. Because when you say two dimensions, there's the one dimension of the person sending it, and then there's the other dimension of the way you read it. Yeah. And then how you respond to it, and then how are they going to read what you responded to. It's insane. It's also the same thing we were talking about with blogs, with people having websites and writing blogs. Sometimes you shouldn't write a blog, because sometimes this one-way conversation that you're having about a

subject or a thing is incredibly indulgent incredibly indulgent and not entertaining it's not like if you're a comedy writer if you're like someone like matt feldron and you happen to be a comedy writer and you're writing something for the purpose of entertainment it's supposed to be hilarious yeah but no some people are just being self-indulgent, whiny little babies, writing some boring-ass fucking diatribe, woe is me, or I am awesome, or this person sucks, and just bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh. That's why I like Twitter so much more than Facebook, because when you add somebody on Facebook, you have to read what they wrote. They'll bitch about whatever.

Oh, my God. But they're not necessarily the best writers or the most interesting people. So tired, LOL. Yeah, that's it. Isn't that the best? See someone's update? So tired, LOL. Are you laughing?

Are you really laughing out loud? So tired. Ha, ha, ha ha ha ha ha. Like kind of an insane tiredness, I guess. People are so broken. Or I'll read like, you know, because when you do comedy and you meet people you don't know and they add you on Facebook, then you'll like, oh, Susan Jeffrey's got a new house. Fucking good for her.

You know, it's weird. It was actually Bertreischer that was talking to the balcony joe oh good that makes sense that makes so much sense that makes more sense he took off his shirt and pointed at the balcony probably fucked the balcony he got drunk and he fucked the whole balcony so he realized it wasn't a person is anybody more fun than burt he's a good guy he's great yeah well that's the the only thing, as I said, about L.A. There's a lot of cool people here. Yeah.

We've met a lot of really fun people here. That's the only thing that keeps me hanging around. Everything else is just like, Jesus fucking Louises. Enough. We're all going to die together. Yeah, but there's too many people, man. I would rather us figure out a way to move to another place you know yeah I really would rather figure out a way to get an entire city to up and move

to a better spot say listen cool people this is what we're all gonna do I think it's planted over a five-year period I think it's the places that already voted yes on weed I think it's yeah Washington and Colorado. I think it's Canada. You're right. Or that. It's one of the three. I said this before, but if you go to Toronto, they are building so much skyscrapers there for people. They're waiting for Japan to move in.

It's funny that you say that because I'm at the Sony Center this Thursday with Tommy Segura and Brian Callen. And you're like, oh, I would love to get tickets. It's sold out, bitch! But we're advertising anyways.

So instead go to Phoenix, Arizona. No, it's not the same. It's really far away. September 26th. It's on the other side of the country. You're telling people to travel way too far. But don't bring your weed to Phoenix.

Yeah, you bring your weed to Phoenix, they'll put you in a fucking pink underwear, parade you around. Sheriff Arpaio. Wow. They were saying something weird in Arizona where it's medicinal there now, but if you get caught, the punishments

are insane. They're trying to stop it. The state government doesn't like it. They're not supporting it it. The state government doesn't like it. They're not supporting it the way Colorado is or the way California even is. It's all about money, man. That's the number one thing that plagues us, and that's the number one thing that motivates us. It's a weird dance. Whenever you put money above logic and humanity and compassion.

And then you wind up with private prisons and guys like Joe Arpaio and making people wear pink jumpsuits. And all that stuff is just fucking nonsense. There's things that we should focus on and there's things that are just huge distractions and huge problems in the normal ripple-less culture. That's one of them.

It's stupid. It's dumb. You definitely should put people in jail if they do something wrong. But this whole making a big deal out of it and you making them wear pink, I'm the toughest sheriff ever. You're an asshole. You're an asshole. You should be measured and compassionate,

and you should be a nice person who's trying to keep nice people safe and hopefully rehabilitate people who haven't fucked up too bad. And if they haven't fucked up too bad, you should probably shoot them. Right. Just at a certain point in time, you can't fix people. Right. There just comes a number. Sure.

There just comes a deficit that you reach. Do you hear they are? What's his name? Committed suicide? The guy from... Nixon? What? The guy who had the girls locked in his house in Ohio. Oh, yeah.

Castro? Ariel Castro? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He couldn't even take a month in incarceration. Fucking commit suicide. Has these women locked up for 10 years. That guy had to be a tortured, tortured, tortured soul.

So terrifying that humans are capable of becoming a guy like that or murdered he he could have been murdered too but i mean he was obviously a tortured soul just to do that yeah he did them speak at the court case and he was saying he was had some kind of sex addiction it's's like, no, motherfucker, you're insane. You're crazy. Well, did you hear there's a... Shit, I just read this article on CNN last night right before I went to bed that there's Yemen's, I think you can... There's no age when you can marry.

So somebody got married, a 38-year-old got married to an 8-year-old, and she died, you know, because of getting fucked too hard. God! And then you read through the article, and it's like, oh, no, this happens all the time. These little kids come in with internal bleeding because they're getting fucked by 40-year-old guys. There's a photo of the Air Force hitting a pirate boat with a smart bomb. It's the craziest fucking picture ever.

Is there anything left? No. This is a pirate boat, and this is a 2,000-pound smart bomb. It's bigger than the boat. Yep. It's a 2,000-pound smart bomb, and it's about to hit the boat. Oh. That is one smart bomb. A smart bomb plays no games.

Have you seen that inflatable missile that kind of looks like that that you tie it onto the back of your boat so like when you're you're going it looks like you're getting chased by a missile this is a photo of the impact too look at this it shows the actual impact wow that's crazy and now you see it allegedly right this could be some fucking grand theft auto 10 game engine shit that they haven't revealed yet. But this is like, whoa. I mean, the fact that they can do that now, the Air Force wants to prove that its B-1B Lancer supersonic strategic bomber

isn't just useful for invading Iraq, it's also good for blowing up tiny pirate boats. And what better way to do that than by taking it out to the Gulf of Mexico and having it drop a high-tech 2,000-pound GBU-10 smart bomb on an empty motorboat that probably weighs half as much and costs less. Okay, so they did it to show that this is a test run. This is not a real pirate boat. Well, it would have been way cooler if it was a real pirate boat.

There's kids in Africa that don't even have boats, and they're just blowing these up. Well, how much does this cost? It weighs 2,000 pounds. That shit must be ridiculously expensive. It's cool that they're that accurate, that they can do that, because that Tom Hanks trailer scares the shit out of me.

Which one's that? The Ethiopians. They take over with the guns like look at me look at me I'm captain now yes skinny dude all fucked up on amphetamines yeah they have some shit that they chew it's called cat Kate khat uh-huh and it's like an amphetamine right and they chew it all day like those leaves and just get natural yeah some natural meth and they just get whacked like there's leaves and just get ganked out. It's natural? Yeah, some natural meth. And they just get whacked out on this amphetamines and fucking drive around in a boat with a ladder hooking on the big boats and climb up

and start fucking shooting white people. The American dream. Yeah, I guess. That's rough. I'm glad you didn't include that in the jail slash jungle scenario, because I wouldn't have picked that. Getting hijacked. Yeah.

There's a guy finished Grand Theft Auto V in one 38-hour sitting. That's all it took? Jesus Christ. A guy who's on BuzzFeed. Real good-looking guy, right? He's finished. He might be, man. He might just fucking really be ambitious.

Somebody that doesn't like to have fun just trying to beat it. Yeah. Well, he wanted to figure out how fast he could do it so he could write an article on it. You guys are buzz kills, man. I thought this was a podcast. Sorry, man. We're sitting here talking shit. You're like, wow, why were you guys just fucking fun killer?

So what does he say about it? Just that it's awesome. I read IGN reviewed it as one of the best video games ever made. Yeah, it's about as good as you can get. It's pretty fucking badass. These games are just getting more and more crazy. But that's what we want now. I mean, that's all we want.

You're not going to go get a game that makes you do yoga. No. A game that makes you run around giving hugs to people. Once they've opened up the door to killing hookers with crowbars, you need to include that in number six. Well, you don't get to do that in real life. It says so. It says so.

It says so. It says so. You don't get to do that in real life. In some parts of the world, though, I bet if you have enough money, you can get to do it. And I bet it's still not as much fun as on the video game. Yeah, because there's no karma in the video game. The beautiful thing about the video game is you can run around braining people and not hurt anybody. Exactly.

The idea that people think, oh, you know, violent video games are making children violent. No. The world is making people violent. The world is really violent. You know what's going on in a video game? making children violent. No, the world is making people violent. The world is really violent. You know what's going on in a video game? Nothing. Nothing. You're sitting on a couch.

You're standing there watching some shit go down in front of you. Nothing's happening. God damn it. It's not affecting anything. Matt Fultron. It's true. You're right again. I think you just checked out.

No. I think we just heard the last of Matt Fultron. No, man, I'm here. I'm here. I sense it. I sense it. I'm here. I sense it. I'm here. I sense it in your tone. I'm ready to go.

Look, man, not everybody can do a three-hour podcast as I get up the fourth time to pee. I did this UFC shit today, and I was just drinking water because I'm doing a lot of screaming. So what does that mean? What did you do? Just analysis of upcoming fights, breaking down upcoming matchups, and setting up different cards that they have coming up in the future. They have these countdown shows. And so I sit down, and they go, what do you think about

Junior Dos Santos versus Cain Velasquez? And I just start. Right. Thanks for getting us those tickets, by the way, in San Jose. Anytime, my friend. You enjoyed it? That was awesome. You were there with Tom Segura at the Improv, another great Improv.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The San Jose Improv is one of the even better places because it's a historical place. You can play the balcony there. Oh, yeah. It's nice. It's big. It's nice. It's historical.

That place is beautiful, man. It used to be an old movie theater, like an old-timey, like... Yeah, yeah, with the band and the whole thing. Yeah, they had the whole thing. It's a sweet place, man. Yeah, you have a good time, though? I had a great time. The UFC, something, when you see that shit live,

it's not like any other sporting event. Yeah, no, it's crazy. It's amazing. Those guys are fucking incredible. Yeah, it's fun to watch, man. That's for sure. Well, you know how you gave us tickets and then you walked us in so we didn't scan the tickets? Yeah.

Then you sold the tickets? No, I did something better. I walked out and this girl's like, do you have any tickets for sale? And I go, here, I go, just take it. She's like, are the seats good? I'm like, just take it. Wow. They're great.

You have no idea how good these seats are. Did they sit next to you? No, this is after me and Tommy Buns left. Oh. Because we had to go to a show that night. Oh, that's right. So we left before the main event or whatever. So you guys gave out your tickets. Oh, that's smart.

I did. I'm the saint. That's smart. Buns just lived to his own fire or whatever. Did you get a number? No. I wasn't in it for the number I was just in it for the fucking

The good deed For the cock You're a sweetie You know it? It's true Alright Where can people find you? Where you at next?

I am at Geez I don't even have to Did you guys mention this earlier? Yeah we did I'm in Vegas the 27th and 28th How do they find you? The full charge Thefullcharge.com Follow me at The Full Charge on Twitter.

How's it The Full Charge? Some kid just named me that, and then it just kind of stuck. And it's easier to spell than Fulcheron. Yeah, Ful F-U-L-C-H-I-R-O-N Is that right? You did it. You're the man. It's a tough one, though. It is tough. It's a tricky one. It's almost as bad as Rykel. R-E-I-C-H-L. Is that right? You did it. You're the man. It's a tough one, though. It is tough.

It's a tricky one. It's almost as bad as Reichel. R-E-I-C-H-L-E, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Jamie's is easy. All right, that's it. This fucking show's over.

Thanks to our sponsors. Thanks, first of all, to The Full Charge. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for The Full Charge. Thanks to Lumosity. Go to lumosity.com. Tell them Joe Rogan sent you. You freaks.

Thanks to, uh, squarespace.com. Uh, use the code word Joe and the number nine and save 20% off throughout the entire month of September. That's Joe nine, one word, Joe and the number nine.

Uh, thanks also to audible.com. Go to audible.com forward slash Joe and you will get one free audio book and the number 9. Thanks also to Audible.com. Go to Audible.com forward slash Joe and you will get one free audio book and 30 free days of Audible service. We'll be back tomorrow with Kathleen Madigan, very funny, stand-up comedian, and the full

charge has left the building, ladies and gentlemen. Go to Onnit.com, use the code word ROGAN, save 10% off any supplements. We'll see you dirty bitches tomorrow. Until then, keep your freak power strong and hold out hope for the future. code word rogan save 10 off any supplements we'll see you dirty bitches tomorrow until then keep your freak power strong and hold out hope for the future I'm out.