The Joe Rogan Experience - #395 - Kathleen Madigan

Episode Date: September 18, 2013

Kathleen Madigan is a stand-up comedian and also recently released a special on Netflix called "Madigan Again".

Get a new iPad. Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Planned obsolescence. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. Brian is the king of the grand conspirators when it comes to planned obsolescence for laptops. Every time a new operating system comes out, they make your phone slow down, you have to get a new phone. You're the king of that, right?

Yeah. You really believe that, that they actually engineer that. Oh, I think it's even been proven. Really, it hasn't been? And you have to also think that a lot of times when they make a phone, it's for one single the software is designed around one single graphic processor, one single processor, and blah, blah, blah. So that every time they make a new one

they have a different processor and they kind of engineer it to make it work a little bit with this, but it's all reverse engineered. Well, that's always been the argument about Apple, why is so good is because they make the hardware and they make the software they make the two of them go together perfectly you don't have to worry about like the million different android type phones that are made from samsung and this guy and that guy or motorola and it's not always didn't always like work perfectly because of that same as like

windows computers got a bunch of different shit you got shoved in it didn't always work perfectly because of that. Same as Windows computers. You've got a bunch of different shit you've got shoved in there. It doesn't always work perfectly. Speaking of phones, I just found one of the greatest new tips that will help most iPhone users, especially females. And it's when you plug it in and you're looking at your storage and it says music, whatever, and then it has other, and the other is super big, and you're like, what's this other, whatever. And then it has other and the other is like super big. And you're like, what's this other? And it doesn't tell you what that means.

I found out that that is people's text messages, like all the photos and videos. So like, if you don't delete your text messages and you have, or you have that one where it's like you and one person have been talking for the last year and a half, but you've just never deleted it and started over. That's just saving all those old videos and photos that you've sent oh that's a lot of data yeah so mine I just noticed that the other day it was I think was like 30 gigs of just other and I'm like what the fuck is this other and I just started deleting it just dump the whole thing yeah you can't well you just have to go through each thread and just like swipe it to the right delete it's like you

can't just clear all you can't really all maybe i think you can delete them all let's see uh edit oh yeah you could just go down the list and hit the red dots you know well those dots are all hit automatically i think no i mean like i could go through here and just like i don't know oh like you want to keep one yeah right right right powerful kathleen manigan how do you do powerful but i just waitful. I just got a little lost in the beginning there. Are you saying if you get a new computer, your phone slows down? Well, no, no, no, no. He's saying when the new operating systems come out and the new computers come out, they purposely engineer the new operating system to fuck with the older computers to make it slower.

Meaning, like today, Apple just released a new software update for their iPhone. So you plug it into your computer, you can update it to a brand new, it looks like a brand new operating system. Everything looks different now on your iPhone. Okay. And people are already saying that it's just slowing their shit down and stuff like that because that means they want you to go, oh yeah, my shit sucks now. So I'm going to buy this new iPhone that's been programmed for this operating system.

Makes sense. I get it. It makes sense, but it's also a double-edged sword, isn't it? I mean, I'm not a technology person, but I would think that when you're using new hardware and new advanced stuff, you kind of have to engineer stuff for that new advanced hardware

if you're going to get the full benefits out of it, right? Yeah. Here's the new operating system. Looks like the old shit. Everything's bigger. All the operating is bigger and stuff. You can't see it. So what's going on, Kathleen Madigan?

Now that you've heard phone 101. I know, it's a lot. You boys have a lot going on here with technology. I have a giant Samsung that's basically... Those are dope. That's the Galaxy S4? I love it, yeah. It's really pretty.

I think it's huge they're the best for like going online reading shit like you can actually read it it's huge

it's like a mini iPad yeah it's a little the Note is the nuttiest one you've seen that one I've seen the Note you know what's weird too is all the guys

at the Sprint store the young guys they have it of course but they're also gigantic that in their pocket is like this in my pocket

yeah that's pretty big in your pocket too. That's the thing about the iPhone without a case is absolutely perfect. That shit just slides in your pocket. It's a perfect size. Well, the young people seem to like the Note. You know, the young people love the big screen and now it does 4K video.

It does this insanely high definition video right off the camera. It does shit that iPhone can't do. I just wouldn't think guys would want something that big in their pocket trying to be sexy but guys are just trying to i guess some guys have some room to fill yeah we also get really uh guys get addicted to like gadgets they can do more it's a very strange thing we don't know why mine is better than yours check what i can do and you can't do it there's definitely that but we always are thirsty for the new shit that we'll never even use. Like, dude, it's got an infrared on it.

You can change a channel. You can change a channel with these things now. So now, oh, get ready for this, folks. Every asshole at a bar is going to think he's cute. He's going to be changing the fucking channels on the TV over and over again. Football's going to be on. He's going to think it's cute to put on romper room.

That shit's going to happen. It's going to happen. People are going to use them. At first, it's gonna happen yeah it's gonna happen people are at first like i am not interested i don't know anything this phone does i'm not even the guy said now do you want me to give you a little lesson and i was like uh did he wink at you when he said that no i don't think uh miguel who's 23 would be he liked me as a comedian he knew me as a comedian but i don't think yeah you never know and he was never know. And he was like, I called Miguel. Call me.

And it rang. I go, I'm good. Works. That's all I need to know. It works. You know it works. It's a phone. I can text. Yeah.

Yeah. Apparently it has superpowers. I'm not aware of them. Do you ever use apps, applications for stuff? ESPN. That's about it. Oh, there you go. You're a sports fan?

Yeah. Yeah? Well, sadly, I'm a Rams fan. I have no idea what that means. It's sad. Is Oh, there you go. You're a sports fan? Yeah. Yeah? Well, sadly, I'm a Rams fan. I have no idea what that means. It's sad. Is that bad? Pro hockey. Football.

Football. Football. Are they not doing well? They're terrible. They're terrible. A bad year? I watch football and the Cardinals. St. Louis Cardinals are good.

I watch baseball. And I don't know if I have any other apps. Oh, Around Me? Doesn't Comedy Central have an app? Probably. Everyone has apps. Wait, you do it around me? Wait, is that one of the dating ones?

No, arounds for restaurants. It's the greatest thing when you're on the road. Say you're in some town and you know nothing about town. Instead of actually having to speak to people, if I'm in York, Pennsylvania, and I hit Irish Pub, and you shake it like a magic eight ball, boom. That's what you're in some town and you know nothing about town. Instead of actually having to speak to people, if I'm in York, Pennsylvania, and I hit Irish pub and you shake it like a magic eight ball. That's what you do? Yeah, I do this. You shake it?

Well, sometimes it says you have to do it in a figure eight. Oh, that's so the GPS will work? Yeah, somehow or another it gets coordinated. What's crazy is I couldn't believe a phone would say that. Move your hand in the shape of a figure eight. I'm like, I'm just totally being punked by these people. There's just some kid who put that in there so that people are walking around going like this all day.

But I did it and it worked. I'm like, wow. That's hilarious. So around me, it's the greatest app for the road. You can find anything. Yeah, I use that. It's pretty good. Yelp is pretty good like that too.

Yelp is nice too because you get to see the reviews. I know, but people get too wordy. Fuck yeah, they do. I don't trust the reviews because one bad experience. Yeah. Or maybe somebody's just got to pull up their ass about Yelp. A lot of people have to pull up their ass. Yeah, there's a lot of pull up their ass people.

Yelp is the kingdom of the cunts. They live on Yelp and just shit on businesses. Yeah, I'm going to go have Yelp. Yeah, you go do that. You know, I'm a Yelp gold member, and I've got over 70,000 reviews. That's, uh, I don't think I have really any other apps that I use. Weather.com, I'm just that geeky. Yeah?

Yeah. That's it, huh? That's about it. That's enough. Yeah, it's enough. And you use the web browser? Do you get online with that thing? Yeah.

It's a big, giant-ass screen. Yep. I can read anything. Yeah. It's perfect. Get your email. And I have a mini iPad. Yeah, they're like little tiny computers now? Yeah. Big giant ass screen. Yep. I can read anything. Yeah. It's perfect. Get your email. And I have a mini iPad. Yeah, they're like

little tiny computers now. Yeah. It's going to be weird when they become a part of our bodies. That shit's going to happen. It's going to happen nice and slow.

Like Google gets glass. When this is already in you, you mean? Yeah, it's going to be in you. You're going to see it in your eyeballs or something. Yeah. I think it'll be on your wrist

like when you're born they'll just put your little TV in. I think they're going to be able to see it in your eyeballs. I think they're going on your wrist like when you're born they'll just put your little TV in. I think they're gonna be able to see it in your eyeballs. I think they're gonna have like a little lens in there. That's what they're working on. They're working on like a contact lens. How are you gonna turn that off? I guess you'll have to take it out. You'll have to take the lens out.

Oh you put the lens... well I already have contact so I put the lens over my lens? It'll be a contact lens with some sort of nano devices it that that will illuminate things in front of your eyes and give you directions and show it to you like it's a screen like a giant screen in front of you i am already predicting so many okay i can't see close up or far away like i just can't see at all right so if there's something this close that i'm supposed to read, I'd have to put my glasses on to read the lens. To read the lens. That wouldn't work. No, I don't think this can work for people with bad vision. I bet it can. I bet they just adjust it to whatever your vision is.

I bet they just make it so that, you know. It's like a contact lens also. Yeah. If it's a contact lens, this is obviously me with zero science and no technical knowledge, if any of this is possible. But I would imagine that you would be able to accurately imitate the same effect that you get on a three-dimensional movie screen, which is flat as well. Why can't you do that with the text and the images that you show? And if that's the case, why can't you tune it like glasses? Why can't you tune it to where a person's vision would and wouldn't work? It's a lens.

I mean, it's just like a contact lens. So you're saying you'd have to be fitted for your vision, and then they would just put the thing on that. Right. Until they came up to you one day and they went, Kathleen Madigan, why do you keep fucking around with these real eyes? We've got artificial eyes

that work so much better. So let's scoop your eyeballs out and slam in these bad boys and they're awesome. You'll be able to fucking see through walls and people think you're dope. It's going to be great.

Yeah, well, I would do that. I'm already planning on Mark Ridley, the guy who owns the club in Detroit. He's owned it forever. His mom is 80 and had ocular implants planning on uh mark ridley the guy who owns the club in detroit he's owned it forever his mom is 80 and had ocular implants and now she's the driver for all of her old people friends because

now she has 20 20 vision what is an ocular implant uh yeah i don't really know except that they put new eyes in you'd have to google it i don't know google it it's a surgery though for old people two weeks that's all you're out of the game. And then you're back in the game. And she has perfect vision. It's crazy. Brian, instead of just Googling silly pictures, why don't you look up ocular implants? That's that robot eye.

That's not real, though. That's just some goofy picture. Ocular implants in popular science. Yeah. Electrodes. Jesus Christ. The future is here electrodes in print implanted implanted in the retina blind patients can read wow yeah that's insane that is insane what are you looking and then there's another one and there's another one that's working on a completely different area.

But they have a different retinal implant that can lead blind people to see. And it's fractal-shaped eye implants. And they mimic neurons, allowing blind people to see. Jesus fucking Christ, who are these people? It's working. It's amazing. There's an 80-year-old lady driving around Detroit

at nighttime going 85 miles an hour. This is insane stuff, man. This is insane stuff. Yeah. I find it incredibly fascinating. And this is just the beginning of all this stuff.

They literally are going to have artificial bodies that work better than our body. They're just going to have to figure out a way to get your brain into it. I saw that episode of your show where they were talking about it. It's all a little...

At some point, though, do you really want to be immortal? This sounds like the beginning of a superhero movie. Why, what do you know? Do you really want to be immortal? That's a good question. What happened? Did I go on the court? You popped the thing out? Yeah, you probably popped the cord out. Do you really want to be immortal? I can't hear you anymore.

What happened? Did I go on the cord? You popped the thing out? Yeah, you probably popped the cord out. That question, do you really want to be immortal, it's a good question because what if life is not as good as what's next? What if we leave life and there literally is another dimension where you're not contained by your ego and your body

and your life experiences, and your past. What if this just never ends? I mean, at some point, sometimes I'm already bored. Really? I mean, what are we going to do when we're 511? I mean, seriously. What are we going to do tomorrow? Isn't it the same thing?

No. You don't look forward to tomorrow? Yes, but there's things tomorrow that I haven't done yet. I love doing the same things over and over again. Well, then you would like immortality. Well, not necessarily. Just as you, though, not as something different. Like you just get to live forever.

I think that life today is filled with so many fascinating things that you can do, so many fascinating things you can learn, so many fascinating things you can experience and just read about and watch documentaries on I never get bored I don't think you can get bored today for me I feel like if you're bored today it's because you're trying to be bored because if you really pay attention there's so much cool and interesting shit out there and I can't find enough time I can't find enough time to do the things I love. I would like a million more lives. Are you one of these people who sleeps five hours?

I sleep when I have to sleep. I try to sleep eight hours a day. Do you? You shouldn't really fuck around with your body like that. I'll be the first one to sign up for ten hours. But the people that really love life seem to sleep a lot less than I do. I don't know about that. I think they're silly. Sleeping is one of the most important things less than I do. I don't know about that. I just think they're silly.

Sleeping is one of the most important things a person can do. You can live your life on four and five hours sleep a night, but you're not optimum. You're just not. You're not going to be optimum. You're not going to feel optimum. You're not going to perform optimum. It's the Bill Clintons.

I mean, he did it. That was his big thing. Well, Schwarzenegger, too. He does it, too. Really? Yeah. Well, he certainly does get a lot done in a day. That was his big thing. Well, Schwarzenegger, too. He does it, too. Really? Yeah. Well, he certainly does get a lot done in a day. Good for you, Arnold, if that's what's going on.

I think that it's really important to get at least six. I think when you get stress and exercise and whatever you're doing during the day, your body needs to decompress and then it needs to recharge. Well, there's also a joy in sleeping. I don't know why people don't understand the pleasure of deep sleep. The pleasure is certainly when you get up, and you're like, oh, that was so good. I slept so good. I know. You know, and you're on vacation.

Look at these really smart people, like Bill Clinton, you know, Rhodes Scholar guy, and it's five hours. And I think I'm just, I'm not that motivated. I don't think everybody's the same though, you know. I think some people five hours is good. I think everybody's body's different. I know for me, I need eight hours. If I don't get eight hours, I feel stupid. What, you have your brain

pills? That helps. These are really good if I'm jet lagged or if I'm traveling somewhere and I'm only getting a few hours sleep. I have to do something where I have to use my brain. Like a show. Sometimes that's difficult. You fly in somewhere.

You leave early in the morning. You fly in somewhere and you go right on stage. You have to go to a show. Yeah. Yeah. But I'll balance it out before. Make sure the night before I get some sleep. Shit's important, Kathleen Madigan.

And mortality. I have to get an eight. I'm just not buying it. I have to get an eight or more. I don't know how you guys do it less than sleep. Shit's important, Kathleen Madigan. And mortality. I have to get eight. I'm just not buying it. I have to get eight or more. I don't know how you guys do it less than eight. It's hard. Ten is what I shoot for. Yeah, that's a good number right there. I'll be second in line. Yeah, then you just feel better.

It's like everything got done in the night that needed to get done. Even problems, even things that are bugging you, it's amazing how you just sleep on them. You wake up and you're like, eh. Eh, it's not that big of a deal. Or some sort of answer comes clear in the dream. Yeah.

Well, that's one of the reasons is that they think you're taking a psychedelic trip when you're dreaming. Dream chemicals, like the chemicals associated with dreaming. Really? Very similar to chemicals associated with psychedelic plants. I wonder if you use nicotine patches and you keep them on at night, your dreams go, like, into hyperdrive. I would imagine. Insanity.

We've talked about this before. We have, yeah, that's right. I used to do it to dream more. Oh, yeah, it'll take you on a ride like no other. I mean, but it's almost like if you're saying all those chemicals are there from a dream the nicotine just fast forwards it yeah faster and then adds more it keeps your nicotine receptors uh awake so what it happens is that you're dreaming while things are on that are supposed to be turned off it's such a fucked up

yeah but it's really worth it. Everybody should put on a patch once and go to sleep. Get the little one. Actually, yeah, I was going to say, they actually say don't do it because I guess there's probably something that's bad for you that you can get really seriously injured doing that. Oh, wow, flailing around in your dreams? Yeah, or something like that.

So I recommend just like a half or a quarter even. I don't recommend it at all, but if you're going to do it. Don't use a full patch. Definitely don't use a full patch. Have you ever done a full patch? Yeah, but I've had the patch on the whole day from having it on, and I just fell asleep. Delete.

Yeah, that's not a big deal. It's if you put them on late, like close to bedtime. Yeah. Because I had a – like this is a kind of dumb ass dream the nicotine there was like a rap competition and i was forced to enter but you had to stutter and i ended up winning the gold medal for my song do you remember a song at all well i don't remember my song but my character was i was cheesy easy-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y- I had to go pick up my gold medal. It was at the post office downtown LA. I was like, I've never been to the post office downtown. But this is the nicotine.

Like, it just... How vivid was it? Oh, I can't even describe the medal. And it came in, like, this cross-type box. I'm like, that's kind of religiously odd. Why is the Olympics getting into religion? And it also makes your dreams like an action movie. Like, everything's really, like, well... Sped up. movie. Like everything's really well.

Sped up. Like the story's really good. Yeah, yeah. I'm not capable of the stuff in real life that I'm capable of in dreams. I don't mean physically. I mean to think of those things. I would never think of those things. Stephen King credits nicotine with having a really strong effect on his creativity and his neurons firing, synapses firing.

Does he smoke? No, he quit. And he said it had a big change. Really? Yeah, he said it was a lot harder after he wasn't smoking. Just keep the nicotine on. The doctor will tell you that. I said, how long can I chew that gum?

Forever. I had to quit chewing the gum, though, because it was pulling my crowns out. Whoa. It gets really hard after, like, 20 minutes. But if you're a nicotine freak, you're still chomping on it. Mark Maron just keeps rotating them bitches. Mark Maron. Me too.

It's me, Mark, and Canada. Hotz. Jeremy Hotz. It's always something. So who's the canary in the coal mine? Who's the one that you guys watch that's like totally out of control? Is it Mark or is it Jeremy? Actually, it's Greg Rogel.

Greg Rogel? He's both. Out of the four of us I know wherever I see that man anywhere on the planet if I threw him to the ground he has nicotine products on him somewhere I could steal it's either in his pockets or his backpack I was flipping through the channels and I saw

him on one of those access TV live from Gotham things he was hilarious he's very funny his dear Santa letter I saw him on one of those AXS TV live from Gotham things. Yeah. He was hilarious. He's very funny. His Dear Santa letter. His Dear Santa I'm a Jew letter is one of the funniest. He won't do it hardly anymore, but I begged him to do it at Montreal.

He's one of those guys where I'm like, how come people don't know who that guy is? I don't know. I couldn't agree more. I see him when I go. He's a national star. He's hilarious, and yet, I don't know, maybe, I don't even know if he's doing it anymore. Yeah, well, he was doing this Access TV thing. It was really recent.

Well, I also think he's not a big traveler. Oh, okay. So he just likes to work in New York? I think he's in the city a lot. I don't. Does he have a regular job? I don't know. He's one of those guys.

I don't know. He's kind of neurotic. The conversations with Greg I have are usually about the nicotine or just nothing. Just nicotine or we don't talk? Yeah, yeah. It's like, I don't know. He's hard to reach. He's not casual.

That's funny. He's pretty intense. Well, he lives in New York, right? Yeah, but I bet if you looked online, he doesn't have, I don't even know if he would have. He's got a Wikipedia. Does he? Yep. Professional comedian.

Resides in New York City. Has appeared on Tonight Show, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, and The Nanny. He has had his own half hour special on Comedy Central. And was a featured performer in the movie The Aristocrats. He's a regular performer at New York City's Comedy Cellar. There you go. Cellar guy. Powerful Greg Rogel.

I just want to say hi, buddy. Yeah. Haven't seen you in a while. Come on out, Craig. Come on. Read your Santa letter. Nice fella. Come and read your Santa letter. Yeah, he's a say hi, buddy. Yeah. Haven't seen you in a while. Come on out, Craig. Come on. Read your Santa letter. Yeah, he's a nice guy, too. Well, you did Last Comic Standing.

Yeah, it was torture. Who won that season? Did you win? No, Hefron. That was one of the best seasons, I thought. I really thought it was the best, not just because I was on it. Because the first season, a lot of comics, didn't try. Everybody wanted to see what is it.

And they had some good people. Then the second one, and then the third one, they just proceeded to ruin it. And it just kept getting worse. I'm like, how could you take a show that has 13 million people in the summer, 13 million people, and single-handedly destroy it. I mean, it was working perfectly. There's no reason that the comedians have to be hot. They don't have to be young.

This is crazy. It's comedy. They just went so far off the rails. I really think if somebody brought that back in the right way, like you were saying, it could be fixed. There is no comedy in prime time. Well, I don't think that's the move to bring that thing back well not that but something like that where you're doing comedy right kill tony well i think that the move would be to have

some sort of a reality show with comedians some some sort of an organized reality show with a bunch of funny people doing funny things i mean it could really be easily done when you just follow them around doing things during the day. You could have a funny show if you just figured out the right things for them to participate in. Get Joey Diaz, Duncan Trussell, and Ari Shaffir and send them to the racetrack. You got a fucking show.

Right, right, right, yeah. You got a show. You don't need a goddamn script. I would like to go with that. You just start gambling. I want to go with the gambling people. That's where I want to go. I mean, that's a fucking show.

Really easy. That's a hit show. I mean, that show could fucking show. Really easy. That's a hit show. I mean, that show could be fucking hilarious. If they would actually just let it happen. You know, like, just film it for a day. See what happens. It's going to be better than anything you write out and pretend you're working in an office. Stop.

Yeah. You know, let us really gamble. Let me and Lou and Ron White go golfing. The good shit about that show was the comedians interacting with each other. That's what people like the best. Yeah. and Ron White go golfing. The good shit about that show was the comedians interacting with each other. I mean, that was... That's what people like the best. Yeah.

Which was weird, too, because I thought that was another way they ruined it. Like, half those guys I already knew and liked. I'm friends with Todd Glass. Like, these are my friends.

And they just kept saying, well, we need there to be drama. I said, well, I'm not going to fight with people just to amuse you. I'm not going to pick a fight with Todd.

Although Todd's such a good actor, we could have pulled it off and to go, okay. But I go, yeah, I'm not going to fight with people just to amuse you. I'm not going to pick a fight with Todd. Although Todd's such a good actor, we could have pulled it off to go, okay. But I go, yeah, but Todd, then I'm going to look like this crazy bitch to America, and I'm not. So I'm not going to. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. Not for one episode to then that gets stuck in you. No, no, no, no. Well, not only that, they don't give a fuck about you.

They'll use you as a pawn to do this. And they proved they didn't give a fuck about people the way they handled that show in the first place, where they didn't really let the comedians pick who the performers were that actually made it through. Right, because I judged. That's why I thought I'll never judge again. Yeah, I did as well. It was a fake judging. And that's when Brett Butler and Drew Carey walked off.

Oh, yeah, I remember that. They were like, this is fake. Like, we're not really judging. You're pretending we're judging. I mean, we shouldn't even get into what was wrong with that show because there was so much wrong with that show. We could easily, like, you know, there was a lot of issues. Well, here was my biggest issue.

Me and John have Ron's biggest issue. No alcohol. That's hilarious. Now, every other show I've ever seen, the Beverly Housewives, everybody's slamming drinks. Yeah, that's how you get a good show. And martinis. And so finally, John and I complained enough.

I said, first of all, it was never in the contract that there would be no alcohol here. You didn't tell me that. Oh, so it was not allowed. No, it was not on the property. We had to live in this house for a month. Comics with no alcohol. That's hilarious. That's so stupid.

Yeah, and I don't even know about the pot people. I'm not a pot person. So I don't know if they brought pot. They probably brought it in their suitcase or something. Had I been told, I would have brought a case of wine. Or me and John would have gotten a keg of something. And so they brought in a six-pack. And they said, fine.

You guys have bitched so much. And John had two. i had one so there were three left woke up in the morning and they took them i'm like you can't even leave i was so excited the next day i'm like i'm gonna have a beer by that fire i'm gonna go get a beer i'm gonna sit there drink a beer i go in the fridge i'm like they fucking they took yeah that's a big problem in those shows, is these ideas that these producers have stuck in their head about how a show has to be, and they just...

It's... If you want to get the best out of people's personalities that are already performers, you don't have to arrange fake shit. You don't have to... Just let them do things. That was the problem with... Lou had that show, Root of All Evil on Comedy Central.

And we had the greatest people, Andy Kindler, Greg Giraldo, like, you know, all these guys that are super smart, super funny. And they just kept saying, well, it has to be more scripted. It has to be more scripted. Why? Why wouldn't you want Andy to just go off? Like, you had to say who was more evil. Well, they all have an idea in their head that's ancient.

The idea in their head is that everything is scripted and you have to make sure that you control what the content is. You can't just let it be entertaining or not be entertaining. Everything is scripted. That's why I just sold my special to Netflix. I will never... Talking to the networks is like

talking to your grandparents. Really, it is. Netflix is like your cool young neighbor who knows all kinds of secret things you don't know about. They're super hip and you want to keep asking him, but I feel like I'm bothering him and I'm a crazy old lady in the neighborhood. Netflix, they don't care. I said, is there any rules?

Nope. Just go do your special. Here's a boatload of money. Yeah. I did my first special with them. Well, not my first, but my first DVD, like 2005, 2006. Not my first. I had one before that, but this was a better one. 2005, I did it with them. Then sold it to Showtime.

Yeah, they were awesome. No problems. Nobody calls. They're a very modern, you know, like Showtime. Okay, so Kathleen, we're a very modern showtime. Okay, so Kathleen, we're going to air your special on September 30th, 9 o'clock. That's the premiere date. Okay, great.

And then how many times are you going to show it after that? We don't know. What time would that be on? If you do, I can't tell you. If you find out, will you let me know? No. Okay, well, what good is this? I can't even tell anybody. Netflix, you just say, hey, it's always on.

But the arrogance of the networks is what is going to kill them. It's like, do you understand that on Netflix I can just turn on anything when I want it? Do you guys get that? Like, they don't. Yeah, they don't get that. No, the arrogance. Well, they assume that what they have is so special. CBS, NBC, Fox, whatever.

They assume what they have is so special, you're not going to duplicate that online. But you're going to do a lot better than that online, believe it or not. Way better. Pretty soon. And anybody in a store that checks me out that's under the age of 30, I go, do you have a TV? No. I'm like, they don't even have TVs. Yeah, a lot of people don't these days.

No, they go home and watch iPad. Cable's expensive. It's expensive. It's like $70 a month, whatever. Yeah. Why would they? They get Hulu, Netflix. What else do you need on your iTunes?

Go download whatever you want. But it's as if the networks, not Showtime and HBO as much, but CBS, NBC, they don't even know any of this exists. That's how they speak in a meeting. It's like you have to tell them, well, do you understand that on this channel, comedians can just do whatever they want? No, no, no. Well, they're starting to realize it. They're starting to slowly realize it. They're starting to wake up to internet content.

When it starts, like they see some of these YouTube channels that people just create, and then they see, oh, my God, this guy's channel has 60 million people that have tuned in to him just talking about shit. And you're like, what the fuck? And then they start realizing, like, holy, what are we doing? Like, putting on these elaborate sets. And, like, there's a lot of entertaining shit that you're not even attempting because you have this rigid idea in your head.

A rigid old idea. It's dumb. An old formula. And USA Today the other day had all the new sitcoms coming out. Boom, boom, boom. It looked like a racing form. And I thought, you know, 90% of these won't make it. You might as well just write garbage, monkey crap, shmeaky hot,

because none of this matters. It won't be here. Half of it, at least half, is total shit. Yeah. And then the stuff that isn't just total garbage, what do you keep it, a year or two? It's fucking hard to put together a TV show. Yeah.

It's fucking hard. And there's a lot of people involved. You're're gonna have to have a bunch of different people satisfied too many people yeah that's why the sitcom thing like when i see younger comics and that's what they want to do i'm like well good news is you're young and if you want to spend a lifetime fighting with these people to to get a tv show on but then even if you get it on, it's got to be a hit. I did it, and I have never attempted it again. I was like, this is just... Brutal.

It's not just brutal. We got it to a point where it was easy. News radio started out really long hours and took a while for the show to find its place. But then once it got going, we would only work sometimes two days a week or three days a week. Like we would show up and do a run-through on Friday or whatever the day before we shot was.

We'd get the script then. Like if they had script problems, like we would miss several days of rehearsal. We just wouldn't do it. We would get there and then we would figure it out within a day. It'd be fine. Yeah, it'd be fine because we had it down to,

it was a smooth, oiled machine by then but in the beginning it's brutal the beginnings are horrible it's just too many people even at even at comedy central i remember i had written all this stuff and one of the executive ladies came over and said uh do you think uh do you think instead of saying gymnast here it'd be funnier if you said i don't know she threw out a word like giraffe or something, and I go, no, I don't. And she's like, okay. I go, I'll do it if you want. I'm tired of fighting.

I'm completely, you've worn me down. You win. You want me to say giraffe? I'll say it, but it's going to suck. It's up to you. They'll get upset too if you're not helping. Meet us halfway here. Come on.

I've got some pretty good ideas. How about giraffe gymnast? How about gymnast giraffe? You can't even just throw it in there? One of the arguments Doug and I had when we were doing the man show is there was a show that we created called Make Me Hard. And the show was you have a box over your penis with a light bulb that goes off when it reads an erection. Obviously, we control the light bulb. So it's like midgets eating bananas, things along those lines.

It gives you these incredible boners. And they had no problem. We had a tranny. I should say transgender. Excuse me. Pardon me, my tranny friends. They get upset at that word. And the gig was that, you know, this guy had this box on his penis.

Let's see what really gets him hard. We had all these hot girls in front of him dancing, nothing. And this other hot girl comes over, and starts uh sucking whipped cream off our breasts like everybody's going crazy then she pulls her pants off and she has a penis and everybody goes fucking bananas like it's the like the loudest oh my oh you've ever heard from 200 audience members they didn't have any problem with that. But the word hard is just too much. Really?

Yeah, they wanted it to be called make me stiff. So we're in this argument, and Doug and I are just sitting there going, I don't even understand what you're saying here. You're saying that we can have a transgender person whip their rithered cock out. I mean, it was a cock that had been suffered through years of female hormones. So this cock was just barely hanging.

It was a sad, sad cock. That's okay, but you can't say hard. Like, you're allowing this guy to unknowingly suck whipped cream off a man's tits. He doesn't even know. And everybody's okay with that. Then he whips out his penis. And then you're okay with that too.

This guy's going to be humiliated by this, I'm sure. He was a good sport. He thought it was hilarious. But that's okay. The decisions. A long time ago, I did the Tonight Show at one of the sets on there and I had a joke. The setup was

kids are like homeless people, and they go, could you not say homeless people? I go, the joke's not about homeless people. Listen to the joke. It's about kids. And they go, maybe just say hobo. I go, well, here's the problem. I'm not a comic from the 1800s.

Fucking hobos. Hobo. Then they came back. Hobo's a great word I love hobo It just didn't fit And then Then they came back

With wino I go So it's okay To make fun of alcoholics But homeless people They are homeless I'm not judging Right

It's what they are I just Well what's the context How's the rest of the bit go It was Don't judge. It was a long, long time ago. I go, kids are like, I don't have kids.

My sister's got kids. If they're not yours, you realize what kids really are. They're tiny homeless people. They just chase you around the house all day long going, hey, can I have a dollar? Hey, you got any food? I'm missing a shoe and I need a ride. Hey, can I have a ride? It's silly.

It's stupid. And that's where they just lost their mind over the word homeless. Well, then I said, I always give homeless people money maybe you shouldn't my brother goes don't he's just gonna go buy more alcohol and cigarettes and i go oh like i wasn't so i'm bringing it still back to me i'm still making fun of me right no i go so what am i supposed to say don't give that wino money. Yeah, wino. A hobo. I'm sorry.

I don't have any material about riding the rails. Well, Kathleen, we've done some polls, and people are very uncomfortable with the word homeless. Yeah, I guess so. And it's not funny, okay? There are victims involved here, and it's not funny. But fuck winos. It's a societal problem that we're trying to work through, and we don't need you mocking it. Winos like the softest version of alcoholic, too. Like, they're not even drinking whiskey.

No, it's just wino. Someone has a great taste for wine. It got a little out of hand. It became a wino. It has too many bottles a night. It was fine when it was a glass, but now it's bottled. And somewhere along the line,

I sought pleasure in that bottle. I sought freedom and release. Now I'm a wino. Yeah, I think... Well, also. I sought freedom and release. Now I'm a wino. Yeah, I think. Well, also, I said, you know, hobo was a life choice. Yes. There were people that just chose to ride the rails. Maybe they like to travel.

I don't know why they did it. That was the Depression, too. I think there's a great book that I read about a guy named, I think the book's called McGurdy. It's a life of a pool hustler during the Depression. And this guy traveled all over the country. And, like, oftentimes they were starving. They're begging people for food. But they were trying to, like, gamble in each town, like, stop belonging away.

Because there was no jobs. And there was nothing for young men to do. Like, it was desperate times. And some people just did whatever the hell they could to do it. Fascinating book. I feel like hobos were doing more things, too. Like homeless, I just picture Santa Monica, promenade, sign, asking for money. Hobos, I felt like, were active.

They were building fires. They were riding trains. Yeah, this is the book. It's called McGirty, M-C-G-O-O-R-T-Y, A Pool Room Hustler. And I read it. It's an interesting book. It's all this guy telling his whole life story about what it was like, you know, like traveling on the rails and being a hobo and, you know, begging for food.

Yeah, like at least he has enough to write in a life because he traveled, he met friends, he gambled. Like homeless just implies to me kind of hanging around. Right. They're not really. But speaking of crazy, weird people, have you guys seen this story today? I saw it about the clown. What clown?

In Northampton yeah there's this clown that's just going around the fucking freakiest thing ever it's beyond Northampton Massachusetts is scary as it is or is it England I think it's Northampton it's this clown that's been terrorizing oh it's an English town so yeah it's in England yeah Northampton clown terrorizes English town and it's an English town. Yeah, it's in England. It's in England? Yeah. Northampton Clown terrorizes English town. And it's so scary. There's photos of this fucking thing. It looks like the...

Can you put up... Yeah. Doesn't speak English. It doesn't juggle. It has balloons, but doesn't hand them out. It probably doesn't even sleep. It just stands there haunting our dreams with that sinister smile. Anonymous man has been stalking fear, striking fear into the hearts of Northampton, UK community by

ominously standing around in a creepy clown apparel. Wow. He looks like the Stephen King clown. This position is super scary. I don't know why, but like, if you came home and that guy was in your

driveway, I would immediately turn around and drive straight to the police station. Like, that's crazy. Yeah. And then apparently, doesn't he either, I don't think he tweets, but I think he has a Facebook page. Yeah. What? But you don't really, they don't know who it is.

It's just he talks as him, and he's like, I'm not going to harm anyone. Okay, off to go outside. Beep, beep. He wrote on Facebook, no, I don't have a knife on me. I just want to be spotted. Wow. You know what, man? This photo in his Facebook page is from Stephen King's It.

That's what somebody's. I just said that. Yeah. Is that what you just said? Yeah. That is from It. I remember that movie. Who played the, was it Leguizamo?

No. Was it Leguizamo that played? No. Tim someone? Stephen King's It. Who the fuck played it? Tim Conway did. No.

I'm over here. Remember Tim Conway had all those fucking videos about golf? About a guy with no legs? Like, what the fuck? It was Dorf? What was wrong with America? That that was on like late night TV, infomercials every night, and whoops!

Boom! And he'd fall over, and you'd think it would be so funny. And everybody ordered them. They couldn't get a wait to get the next Dorf on Golf video. What the fuck was that? I don't remember. It started on the show, I think, on... Jenna Carson. No, I. It started on the show, I think, on... John Carson. No, I think it started on... Oh, maybe it didn't.

With Mrs. Huygens, with the secretary. Whatever. The Carol Burnett show. Yeah, was that it? I bet it started as a sketch with Dorf on that. And then he off-roaded. Tim Curry. Tim.

The guy from Rocky Horror Picture Show. He was the clown. That's even creepier, man. Yeah. It's already creepy to begin with. Oh, he's creepy. The whole thing. Spot Northampton's clown.

That's what he calls himself. He calls himself Spot. He's answering questions. He's doing, like, question answering. He's on Tinder. See you all very soon. Beep, beep. Beep, beep.

Yeah, wow. Okay, but see, how come the cops can't get his address off that computer and go over and say, I guess what crime is he committing, though? He's not really. He's gearing up. Look, the guy is finding so much attention from this. I bet he's probably, if I had to guess, and I would love to, I'd say he's borderline

ready to fucking blow a gasket and go full postal. Yeah. Guy's handing out fucking waves. Dressed up like a clown, standing there. And apparently he stood across the street from neighbors and just stared at their house for like three hours in that position. Yeah. I might brain that guy with a baseball bat.

Yeah, yeah. I may be like, hmm. Sometimes there's not time for law. Yeah. Like sometimes you just need to. Everybody smash the city cameras and drag that guy into the forest. Or he's just promoting a shitty band or something stupid like that. I doubt it.

I bet he's just a crazy guy, man. He could be. Could you imagine if that was like the beginning of their music video and they just had this guy do this for days and days and days? And it's actually One Direction. One Direction. And the clown terrorizes them and chases them around in their music video. Splashed through a pool, bare-chested.

They're not even reaching puberty yet. Sleek. How much One Direction have you been listening to, Joe? Zero. I just learned about it a couple of days ago. I didn't know. I knew there was going to be a new one. It's just a matter of time before the Backstreet Boys becomes NSYNC,

becomes this, becomes that. I knew there was going to be a new one, but I wasn't aware. I don't think these boys are that cute, though. And they can't dance. Oh, how dare you? How dare you? How dare you? They're very cute. Do you remember Donnie Wahlberg? Jesus Christ. Put their picture up.

I'll Google it. I'll find it. I don't want to shit on these poor young men. Poor little cuties. Are they all British? How long has this fucking clown been doing this? Does anybody know? I just saw the story today. I don't know how long but this is what...

Okay, I'm a big fan of the Discovery ID channel. And why? And let's see. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're fine. Okay, they're fine, yeah. Why do they have all those crackers? Chips Ahoy and crackers?

They're selling cookies? I don't know, man. That's awesome. Okay, the one on the end is really cute. They're all about the music and the Ritz. They're all about selling crackers. You can still look cool and sell crackers, dude. Isn't that weird? Products. Look at the products

they sell. And they're products, aren't they? Aren't they probably created by... By who? By Chips Ahoy? Warner Brothers or something. Why are you focusing on that dude's package? Oh, I was looking at the Blanche. Back off. I know what you're doing. Captain Subliminal Package Young boy package man

You're very one direction sensitive How dare you call me on that Especially live online Dick I don't know about this clown But I watch a lot of the ID channel And they have a whole series called Stalked And when you see

What you can get away with, that it not being a crime, this clown has a lot of room left to go before he's doing anything legally wrong. Really? You just stand right in front of someone's house and stare at them all day? You can do it now. Yeah, some lady had this guy, and it wasn't like an ex-boyfriend. It was just this crazy person, and she would call the cops, and he'd be right across on the other sidewalk, and they'd go, what can you do? It's public property.

We can't make him stop it. Wow. We can't do anything. So clown guy, you know, he could keep going and going. I think the Facebook page, now you've created an identity for your identity. Like, you're taking it another layer. Like, I would go visit his house to make sure there weren't bodies in the basement. It's too John Wayne Gacy, too.

Yeah, well, the fact that his Facebook page has it, has the Tim Curry version of Stephen King's character. Yeah, it's mean. It's not a happy clown. It's creepy. Yeah. The whole look is creepy. Like, that's a person who's trying to intimidate. Yeah, freak people out. Totally freak people out. And it's working. Or it's a. Yeah. The whole look is creepy. Like, that's a person who's trying to intimidate. Yeah, freak people out.

Totally freak people out. And it's working. Or it's a music video. It could be a promo. It's going to last a couple of months, and then next thing you'll see the boys dancing and spinning around the clown as the clown tries to kidnap them. The clown has a rope, but he keeps missing them with the rope. Maybe he's a new member.

Yeah, they want to make it a little bit more accessible to people that like clowns. Just throw him right in the middle of that picture in a director's chair. So that band. I would actually be in and out. How does this band get made? This is as a corporation gets together and they say, we're just going to get a bunch of cute guys. We're going to get a bunch of songs that suck,

and we're going to make you sing them. And they're going to be all about love. And the next thing you know, you got a Ferrari. Who's in? Yeah, who's in? Come on, fuckers, who's in? And by the time you're 25, you're going to be completely crazy. Oh, as crazy as they come.

They were staying at some hotel and I went to the hotel to go to their spa to get a pedicure. And I didn't know One Direction was there. There must have been, I don't know, 2,000 girls outside the hotel screaming their name. Wow. And I thought, wow, okay, I'm so out of it. And those are girls that don't even know what they're going to do with them when they get them. That's what's hilarious. It's not like these girls are ready to fuck. They're like eight.

They're like, oh my god, oh my god. They don't even know what's happening. And their parents are bringing them there. There they are, girls. Oh my goodness. They're screaming and cheering. They don't even know what they're actually setting up. Well, I just like the idea of when you get them. Like you got one

and he gets in your car and goes home with you. Just could you imagine? Could you imagine? If one of those girls was in love with one of those guys and the guy was just kind of nutty and he's like, car and goes home with you. Well, just could you imagine? We got one. We got one. We got one direction. If one of those girls who was in love with one of those guys, and the guy was just kind of nutty, and he's like, look, I'll go home with you guys. You really like me? Come on.

Take me to your home. I'll have dinner with you. And so the one direction guy is like sitting across the table from the 8-year-old, and the 8-year-old's freaking out. What difference does it make? Like, what are you actually doing here? Are you just trying to meet this guy? Are you trying to fuck him?

You're 8 years old. You know, you can't fuck guys Like why you don't what do you want out of getting like oh my god, where's you screaming and cheering from? I think if you got one and put it in front of the eight-year-old girl should freeze up. Oh, yeah Yeah, it would just be over her probably kidneys would fail something Something serious would have ever. If I would have gotten this close to Sean Cassidy, I might have fainted. So happy together. Was that him? No, it wasn't. No, he was

to do run run. To do run run. Yeah. I remember David more than I remember Sean. Why is that? I liked him better. He was the underdog. Because he was blonde. He was the blonde one. And Sean wasn't in the TV show that much. He was not in the show. No, he wasn't in that at all. He was in The Hardy Boys with Parker Stevenson. But he became really huge, too.

Well, he's more sane. He's a director now, and David's kind of off the rails. There's the new show. Comics hanging out with David Cassidy. He does some of the same things that comics do. That's the new show. A couple casinos. Comics and David Cassidy.

What went wrong, David? Building houses. Tell us your problems. Building houses is one direction. Well, he had a big thing in Vegas for a while. Didn't he have a big gig? Not a big gig, but a gig. I thought it was a big one.

I thought it was a pretty big gig. Because I think someone else had it, and then he had it for a while. Maybe. It was so crazy. It didn't work out. It didn't work out. It didn't work out. No, it didn't work out. I read some great stories about him, though.

He just got a DUI like two weeks ago. It was in all the stuff. Two weeks ago? David, how dare you? You should have learned by now. Nobody's DUI is better recently than Al Michaels. What happened with Al Michaels? Santa Monica.

Al Michaels, I mean, this, because I have a joke in my act when you're rich and famous, you shouldn't be drinking and driving and blah, blah, blah. But Al Michaels is hammered in Santa Monica, comes upon a DUI checkpoint, freaks out, and does an illegal U-turn in front of the checkpoint and speeds away. Yikes. That's what they're hoping for, Al.

You just played right into their hand. What the fuck? They usually just go. Right, right. Just, yeah. So. What the fuck? They usually just go. Right, right. Just, yeah. So how'd that end? They got him. They got one.

The DUI mugshot. Al. Fucking Al, bro. What happened, buddy? Yes! Yeah. Does he do that? It's more of Albert.

Yeah. I don't even know these guys. Al is a football guy. He's a football announcer. Oh, a hockey guy. How's a football and hockey guy. How hammered was he? I don't remember. He blew a...

What did I say? David Cassidy arrested on suspicion of drunk driving in New York August 21st. So, yeah, it was really recently. Yeah. 21st, so yeah, it was really recently. Yeah. One-time teen dream and the Partridge family star was arrested Wednesday morning just after midnight in upstate New York. Cassidy, 63, was initially pulled over.

He's 63? Mm-hmm. No! Yeah. He was initially pulled over for driving with his high beams on, TMZ reported, and the officer just administered a field sobriety test after smelling alcohol. The actor-singer did poorly on the sobriety test and showed a blood alcohol level of 0.10. It's just a little bit over drunk, right?

He was cuffed and jailed. I don't really think. He was previously arrested on DUI in Florida in 2010. Yeah. This is happening a lot. Yeah. Dash cam footage showing him failing a field sobriety test and the officer finding an open bottle of bourbon in the car.

Oh, that's hardcore. Yeah. He changed his mind and pleaded to a no contest. Oh, silly David. I guess it's fucking hard for those people, those teen throbs that become... Boy, remember the show... Some grown men. Well, the way Politically Incorrect used to be when it was on...

Not Comedy Central, then it went somewhere else. I did an episode with Dick Van Patten and he had written a book, How to Make Your Child a Star. Right, creepy, right? And Bill Maher, it was me, Dick Van Patten, somebody, and Queen Latifah. I don't remember. And Dick Van Patten was so out of his mind, he was screaming. Whoever was sitting next to me was saying, this is terrible.

You shouldn't write books like this. These kids all end up crazy. It's almost like Dick Van Patten has been prepared for this, and he goes, I have a list of people that are completely sane! Ronnie Howard! And he starts spitting out all these names of child stars that went on to not become crazy. Right. But his list wasn't that long.

Jodie Foster, Ron Howard. Yeah, I'm trying to remember. It's not that many. Mostly actors from way back. Like, not now. It must be so crazy to have something happen to you early in life, like becoming a David Cassidy type guy, where you're this enormous star.

You're like a young, young, young guy. And you'll never hit that height again. So all of a sudden it goes away and just living a normal life which is like fine for most of us just living a normal life right but living a normal life is like a torture like like yeah you didn't you don't you didn't make it huh look at you i guess it all went away huh hey are you the guy from hey yeah look at you hanging around with us now yeah there was this really douchey guy that works at the CVS near my house. He's this really angry Middle Eastern dude.

I don't know what his deal is, but he's a weird guy. And one time I was there, and I was paying for something. He goes, what happened to your show? What happened to your show? And I go, what show? You know, I was playing stupid. He goes, the show you had, what happened to it? I go, I don't know what happened to it. He I go what show you know I was playing stupid he goes this show you had what happened to it I go I don't know

what happened to it he goes it's not on not on anymore like dude you're working in fucking CVS are we really having this argument man let me pay for my

fucking candy bar winner yeah you win my show's not on TV anymore are you fucking paying attention my show's on TV yeah Jesus Christ dick you fucking paying attention? My show on TV. Jesus Christ, dickhead. It was just such a weird guy.

But people like to do that. They're like, oh, look at you. Not doing it anymore, huh? That thing went away, huh? That thing you got canceled, huh? That movie didn't do so good, huh? How'd that movie do? That wasn't so good, huh?

I heard that movie didn't do so good. You're not so tall. You're a short guy. You're a short guy. You're a little tiny guy. You got a fat face. You eat a lot of food? Or what do you eat? Bad food? What do you drink a lot? What's going on with you? Well, and the money goes away too, if you're David Cassidy. The attention

goes away, and now the money is gone. I'm trying to think of the casino. We all did it in Vegas. They're very nice people. It's all the way down at the end, though. It's not really connected. Green Valley Ranch? No, no, no. Station Casino?

No, but it begins with an S. All the way at the end. All the way at the end. Red Rock? No. Squirty. Past Luxor, keep going past all that. Silly Bitch?

No. Sparkles. Silly Bitch Casino. You could almost walk it. Give me your money, Silly Bitch. That's my new casino. Swan Lake. Oh, yeah, I don't know. Sahara your money, silly bitch. That's my new casino. Swan Lake. Oh, yeah.

I don't know. Sahara? No, no. You're going the wrong way. Go the other way. I don't fucking know what's where. That's a cab. Stardust.

Starfire. That would be Starfire. No? Circus Circus? Anyway, they have a room. It's probably a 500-seater, and David Cassidy was involved there as well. Yeah. That makes sense.

Yeah, that didn't really. Yeah, these guys, they always have a career, right? They could always get gigs. There's 45-year-old women that will always go see David Cassidy for their little trip down memory lane. Oh, he's still kind of cute. Not really. I'll fuck him.

I'll just dim the lights. Yeah. Take a Xanax. I'll fuck him. Just to put it on the bucket list. Just to say I did. Yeah. David Cassidy. I don't know. I don't. Just to say I did. Yeah. David Cassidy.

I don't know. I don't know, man. I don't want shit on David Cassidy. I don't think what is going to happen to Justin Bieber. I mean, come on. Remember when Gary Coleman was working as a security guard? And it was like this fucking big thing. People would go and goof on him and take pictures with him.

You know, guys just trying to make a living. One of the Cleavers became a cop well the cleavers yeah like a beaver cleaver might be beaver yeah he might be the cleaver is a cop remember when the dude from the loveboat became a senator yeah congressman congressman senator what one was a congressman congressman yeah yeah which who was that from the love boat though it was the doctor yes bernie something all right love boat congress because he had the glasses he kind of looked like a mitch mcconnell type but not that ugly fred grandy fred yeah there he is yeah remember the u.s. House of Representatives from Iowa.

Gary Coleman as a security guard? Yes. Yeah, that's sad shit, man. Oh, yeah, there he is. The saddest shit was the wife that he had that took the photos of him dying. That was awful. With the feeding tubes. She took a selfie of her in front of the feeding tubes. That's fucking evil.

Those are the people that you get attached to. Where was he a security guard at? A lot? Like CBS or something? Yeah, I forget. Something along those lines. I mean, how badly is that career managed, though? It's Gary Coleman. You could get him on something.

His parents stole from him, too, didn't they? Yeah. That's a super common thing that parents steal from people, man. You could have at least done porn. Oh, Brian, that's not an at least. Sometimes you're better off just becoming a security guard. Yeah. Than letting a bunch of dudes fuck you.

Why is it going to be two of these dudes? Because that's where the real money is. The real money for male performers. Let's be realistic. The real money for male performers. Let's be realistic. The real money for male performers is not in pitching. It's in catching. I don't know how you can't be normal. He's not a congressman anymore.

Did he quit? Did he not get reelected? He's still alive, 65. But it says 1995. He was in office from 87 to 95. Maybe he's like, these fucking people are too crazy. He's doing better than David Cassidy. Maybe. Maybe he's just

drinking and walking. True. Drinking and not leaving the house. He's not going to get in trouble. It's Iowa. It's cold out. Let's stay inside. He's just drinking and shooting deer out his window. I was a fucking congressman. Boom. I was on a love boat.

A love boat. Something for everyone. That's a thing people love to stick in people's face. Yeah, you used to be on TV. You're worse than a failure. Because at least like a regular failure, if you're a guy and you're just sweeping up on the

street, that's one thing. But if you're Warren Beatty and you're sweeping up on the street, you used to be Warren Beatty. Right. You've fallen from... Now you've got to push broom. It's not just a regular guy. It's like, oh, you used to be privileged. You used to be one of the elite. Now look at you. Now look at you being one of us.

You're below me me I'm above you is that guy still at your CVS? no I haven't seen him there in a while I think he probably got fired the guy was a dick but I had interacted with him a couple of times there was a couple odd ones but that one was real specific

he couldn't help himself he was quizzing me where is your show? Not on anymore, huh? What is your pent-up anger about? At least your CVS has employees mine. It's free-for-all I mean it seriously like I think I could just if there weren't cameras just walk right out with shit. Yeah Oh, yeah, I mean, I don't even want to I want to pay there's no one to pay

Do you do it at night? Do joke with it? Do you at night? Do you do it late at night? There are usually 24 hours a day, right? No, I don't go. The one by my house is creepy. I wouldn't go there at night. There's just, I don't know, people pissing everywhere. It's not good.

I like to go to pharmacies, 24-hour pharmacies, really late at night. Me too. Sometimes when I'm coming home from a gig, if I notice that a place is open and it's like 2 a.m., I go, let's just show us up. I'll park the car and go wander around. You are weird. Well, no, because you see weird people and you see some weird shit go down at these places because it's one of the only things open. So usually it's people, a lot of people that are cranked up or fucked up or drunk or something.

And so, like, sometimes when you go through them, like, you'll see some shit. You'll see something that's interesting. You'll see some weird people. I did see at the CVS late. It was, well, not too late. It was nighttime, though. Probably 8 o'clock, and the pharmacy was still open, and this gigantic drag queen was trying to return medicine.

I thought this was the best reason ever. He slammed it down the thing. He goes, I want my money back. This medicine didn't work. And the lady's like, sir, ma'am, whatever. We can't take back opened, used medicine. Why not? It didn't work.

And I thought, well, he does have a point. I mean, I don't know what he was supposed to do. Maybe it was supposed to make him a lady faster. I don't know what he was supposed to do. Maybe it was supposed to make him a lady faster. I don't know what his medication was, but clearly it didn't calm him down and he has not achieved the results he wants.

I think you should be able to give it back. Dick Dissolver. Yeah. I don't think that's the proper protocol. Should they have an established protocol? No, but I thought this poor pharmacist lady, like I need this crap at 9 o'clock. Call for a manager. There isn't one.

You might as well just call the cops at that point. There's no managers at CVS. I mean, if there are, they don't come out in the public eye. And they're also working the cash register. Yeah, to teach me how to use the cash register. No, they're teaching me how to use the self-checkout. I don't want to use the self-checkout. You're here. You do it. I like the self-checkout. I don't want to use the self-checkout. You're here.

You do it. I like the self-checkout. It feels very space to me. Like, you don't even have to talk to people. You just pick some stuff up and you scan it and then you run a credit card

and you don't talk to a person. Yeah, but if you buy nicotine patches, you got it. Oh, you need a person. Someone's got a problem. Buy that shit on Amazon. It's so cheap.

Someone needs some drugs. Yeah, somebody needs nicotine. Someone's got a problem. Buy that shit on Amazon. It's so cheap. Someone needs some drugs. Yeah, somebody needs nicotine. Yeah, why don't you buy it on Amazon? It's so much cheaper at Amazon. Are you serious? Fuck yeah. Listen, when are these people going to learn about the internet? I know.

What? You don't even know about Amazon.com? Yeah, I know Amazon.com. Do you buy things from it? I wouldn't think they'd sell nicotine patches. They sell everything that exists. I do maybe 70% of my shopping on Amazon.com. I'm not

bullshitting. And not to mention, LA is one of the most unique cities that has Amazon Fresh now, which is an app that you download that can send groceries to your house next day, even earlier than that sometimes, where you just order all your groceries on an app and they

come right to your house and drop it off. Why don't you Google how long that actually takes, instead of saying, or maybe even closer sometimes. Well, let's find out. There's no need to not find out. When you say something like that, you should always Google it. Instead of just panicking. That's why I covered my ass.

Just Google it, bitch. I think at big grocery stores, you can... Some of them. Like pavilions, you can send in an an order and then groceries, though, you kind of got to be there. Pick them out, yeah. Yeah. Well, some people that are like super, you know, wealthy and live in New York, they do that as well. Like in New York City, that's like, you can't fucking drive. Where are you going to go to get groceries?

Right. They have to walk to get groceries. So, and then you got to walk home, like, Jesus Christ, what are you gonna go to get groceries right they have to walk to get groceries so and then you're gonna walk home like jesus christ what are you gonna do you're gonna bring your own grocery cart like well yeah they don't get not what do they do they're not giving bags out either same or next day same or next day nice yeah see like living in new york city that would be one of the big bummers is that you can't just go drive to the grocery store and then come home and pull into the driveway and unload it like a fucking human right now you have to live in this gigantic cage stacked up on top of each other we have to venture out on foot like a fucking caveman and hunt and gather your food bring it back to the cave it only works for people like Lou loves restaurants.

He just loves to eat out. So New York is perfect for him. Louis Black? Yeah, he's a foodie. Right, a foodie. How dare he? Like, you know, new restaurants open up, he can't wait. He knows, he is a Zagat guy. He's a walking Manhattan Zagat guy. So he's just in his

pig heaven. I should say hog heaven. It makes it sound better. Like, I don't even think he would understand how to drive to the grocery store, buy bags of it, and then bring it home. Really? Yeah. He's too much into that. But it bothers me. That's why I won't live there.

I mean, I can't. Constantly going out to eat. Well, and I don't like, even like my house. Like, I don't want to get, I never wanted a house with gates and all, and I want to be able to just walk onto my front porch and go in my house. Right. And then walk out the back door and be in a backyard. You live in L.A.? The L.A. area?

Yeah. Yeah. This is a good thing about living in L.A. There's too many goddamn people, but you do get some space at least. Yeah. There's plenty of space for your money compared to I could sell the house here and flip with Lou and his would be a little bit more, but it's way smaller.

Yeah. And then, you know, it's an elevator. I feel like I'm in a hotel. He lives in an apartment. Yeah. And they're cool with that. Yeah. People that live in hotels or live in, you know, apartments, they're cool with that. Like, they don't have any problem with living on the

80th floor, pressing a button. He's done it his whole life. No car. No car. I haven't had a car in 25 years. I go, what if I had a heart attack? It's too extreme.

You can't drive me to the hospital so we just go hail a cab? You know what I mean? A heart attack, you can't drive me to the hospital, so we just go hail a cab? You know what I mean? I mean, a heart attack, you'd call 911, but then how long is it going to take them to get here? Where are they going to park? You take a cab, yeah. Yeah. It's not for me.

I Uber all my heart attacks. I'm too Midwest. Yeah, you could always Uber. I'm too Midwest. Even golf. Like, he has his golf clubs in some storage unit, and then we have to get the golf clubs, and either there's a town car that he'll pay for, or we take the subway, and we try to get golf clubs around.

It's crazy. I'm like, this is too much. Too much. So he takes, he has a storage unit where he puts his shit? A lot of his extra stuff, yeah. Because he can't keep it all in his little apartment. Yeah, and his apartment for New York is actually quite, well, it's one bedroom, one office, and a big deck.

The deck is probably as big as the actual apartment, which is awesome. And his apartment for New York is actually quite, well, it's one bedroom, one office, and a big deck. The deck is probably as big as the actual apartment, which is awesome. But he can't store everything up there. No way. And so he has a storage unit. Does he have a crazy view? We have to walk down. He has a really good view.

He's not too high, though. He's the top of, it's only, I think, seven floors. Oh. Yeah, so he's not. It's a great circular view. You're not looking down on the city. You're right in. He's like surrounded by all these big buildings.

You're almost like in a vortex. That's kind of cool too. I like it. I like that looking at the other. But there's no view like that. Every time I stay in New York and I take pictures of out the window of the hotel room, I'm always like, there's no view like this. This is such a weird view. It's so crazy, all these giant-ass fucking buildings stacked in on top of each other.

Such an odd place. And no sun. Like, other big cities in the world, like Paris, there's always sun, because the buildings are short. Right. Rome, the building. New York, everything is so high, light doesn't come in,

which I never thought I even cared about light until it was taken away. Do you think you could live in Seattle? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I love it up there, but do you think you could deal with the winter, the no light?

Yeah. The gloominess? Yeah. Really? Rain, love rain. We were just talking about that because at DirecTV, my brother goes,

terrible during thunderstorms. They said, well, sadly, there are none in L.A. He's in the Midwest. And I go, that's the thing I miss the most. I hate that there's no thunderstorms here. Or even just a gloomy day. Where you feel like it's okay to be lazy.

Thunder at night when you're sleeping. Oh, it's the best. Yeah, it sounds cool, right? It's like the sky's alive. Yeah. I didn't even know what thunder was until I watched a show. You didn't know? No. Yeah, it sounds cool, right? It's like the sky's alive. Yeah. I didn't even know what thunder was until I watched the show. You didn't know?

What? No. Wow. That's funny. I made it through the entire Missouri school system, and I was never told that. I didn't understand that it was the ions of the lightning being released. And you could count by seconds of how far that lightning strike is. So you go one, two.

Yeah, you go one Mississippi, two. And if it's three, it's three miles away. Seriously? Yeah. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that. It's not exact, obviously.

But yeah, there's a way to actually tell. Like if you have a stopwatch, you know know there's a way to actually judge it there's a formula that's real mississippi just make that up yeah that's no there really is a formula like if you had a stop like on your phone i'm sure your phone has a watch and a stopwatch you press the stopwatch feature right when you see the lightning and then when the boom hits you just calculate the seconds you know how far away it is oh i see it's the best thing to tell a child by the way because as a kid living in ohio i was so scared of lightning and thunder and shit like that. So my dad told me that.

And so, like, I would see this bright flash of light and I'd be like, one, two. I'd like to see how far it was. Well, it's crazy when you hear one that's like 30 seconds away. Yeah. And you can see it. I mean, you can see a giant ass bolt of lightning 30 seconds away, 30 miles away. It's wow the craziest lightning i've ever seen was in iraq because there was a sandstorm so and a lot of the sand you don't see it it's

weird i took pictures of my camera and i'm like man is this camera already broken because there were dots these are nighttime pictures and there's dots i'm like i thought maybe i got it wet and they're like the soldier guys are like, no, that's sand. I go, I don't see it with my naked eye. He goes, you don't. He goes, wait till you see a thunderstorm. The lightning, I don't know anything about science, but somehow it connects with all these sand particles.

Whoa. So the lightning is like a spider web. Whoa. It's like, phew. I got to Google that. It's freaky weird. Lightning in a sandstorm. Yeah.

And probably the Middle East, the heat has something to do with it too. How long did you go to Iraq for? We could go two weeks at a time. And Afghanistan. How many times have you gone? Twice. I'm done now. I've retired from the military.

Yeah. What happened? I gave my boots back in. I just can't. I can't. I can't do it again. I mean, it would really have to be a major request. It's just, there's something wrong over there.

Yeah. You don't feel right when you get home. We got weird skin things. Lou, like, his skin started rotting off right here. But bizarrely enough, it looked exactly like a Hitler mustache. He got off the plane. Wow, he got a Hitler disease. He did.

And I said, that's weird because you're Jewish. And now you have the Hitler mustache. It doesn't add up. What do you think you got that from? The air there? It's polluted or something? I don't know if it was the air, and then I got this thing here on my face. What would you get?

Like this swelling that wouldn't go away for no reason i thought maybe i was like god did i get bitten by like a sand flea or uh and the military always just says oh we don't know we don't think it has anything to do with here just weird things just just not necessary to go i feel like i did it twice that was enough is that what it looks like? Supposedly. Yes. Holy shit. In night vision, it's even crazier. It looks like a rave.

Yeah, it looks amazing. And then when you're like, his camera's not great, great. The way it connects with the particles, almost like instead of a bolt, it looks like a spider web. Oh, wow. That looks amazing. It's super freaky. And we were there in winter.

I can only imagine what it's like in the summer when it's 130. It's probably even more spectacular. But then I think, well, why doesn't that happen in Vegas? But they don't have sandstorms, per se, in Vegas. Not like they do. No, the Vegas sandstorms aren't shit compared to what you get in the Middle East. I mean, the sky is orange. With sand. Sand.

Orange. Fuck. It's like an orange out. Two times we couldn't fly anywhere for the entire day. They were like, yeah, no one can go anywhere. And how long does that last? It depends, but the ones we got into lasted a day. A whole day, though, of just...

It's like the moon. People shouldn't be living there. It's crazy. Or like the guys that used to just travel with their little tents and camels and roam around. Maybe they knew the deal. Like, sandstorm coming, let's get out.

But to plant yourself there, I think you're asking for problems. Yeah, it's not a good spot. Look at that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very much. It's a lightning bolt through sand. Jesus Christ, it's incredible.

It does. It interacts with all the sand particles. Yeah. And there's billions of them, which you can see on my camera. So when you asked about the skin things that you guys are both having, they didn't think they were related? Is that what they said? Well, I didn't even know if they were related either. I didn't have a Hitler mustache, and he didn't have any swelling.

And he was doing gigs, and he came out here, and he's like, will you take me to a dermatologist? I said, funny enough, I have to go too. There's something in my face. And then we went, and the lady was like, I don't know, kids. I'm going to give you some antibiotics, and let's hope this works. Whoa. Like, she had never seen it. Nothing.

Nothing. I said, well, will this go down? Is it an allergy? She's like, could be. Like, it was like I should have just asked my sister. Maybe. I don't know. Hisler mustache took a while too and then he couldn't shave so it looked like he couldn't shave right here and i said that that's so seriously so did he just grow a mustache just grow over the whole thing no he didn't want to do that he thought that looked crazy i said well i

think it's crazier to look like Hitler. The man completely ruined the mustache for an entire, forever. Yeah. That mustache can't be pulled off, Lou. And he took it from Chaplin. Yeah. Went from Chaplin. Well, he shortened it, though.

But still. He made it tighter. It's like Chaplin, like if you see one of those things, you assume that it's a Hitler, even if it's a Chaplin. You could be a Charlie Chaplin fan. You can't wear that mustache. It's too close to Hitler. Which is all related to my favorite website of those things, you assume that it's a Hitler, even if it's a Chaplin. You could be a Charlie Chaplin fan. You can't wear that mustache. It's too close to Hitler. Which is all related to my favorite website of all time, catsthatlooklikehitler.com. The Kittlers?

Oh, I can't. Every day. Every day. Do you really? Yeah, they have new ones every day. What is wrong with humanity? My other favorite is just the photo of the Batman cat. Do you know him?

Oh, he's the greatest. What's wrong with you, Kathleen? I want to know if it's for sale. Are you just on the road too much? No, this is what I do when my brother calls and tries to explain financial things to me. You send him cats that look like that? See? Come on! Oh, cute.

How is that not funny? How do you not buy that cat if you see it? Some of them, there's one and he's got World War II gear on. It's really funny. It's only funny now in 2013, right? It would have been funny in 1948. It would have been too soon. No, and it can't be offensive because they're cats.

They don't know. They didn't do it on purpose. Yeah, they might have, though. That's a good one. What if you thought that that cat was Hitler back to life? Oh! That's a good one. What if you thought that cat was Hitler?

They're called Kittlers. They're called Kitt kitlers they're called kitlers okay we've seen enough brian loves stupid cats me too i i fall for it this is what i do when my brother calls and tells me i have to pay attention i go okay pat uh-huh yeah sure pat yeah yeah that's fine uh-huh. Yeah, sure, Pat. Yeah, yeah. That's fine. Uh-huh. Yeah. So since Last Comic Standing, how much of an impact did that have on people coming out to see you? Well, it got people that watch primetime that usually have kids and real jobs and go to bed and don't stay up and watch Letterman and Leno. It exposed me to new people, but it's not like, that's why everybody's getting way too excited when we're doing the show. Well, I'm going to do this.

I'm going to do this. I'm going to tell this guy to go fuck himself now, man. Like thinking that this is just another step in a giant staircase. It's not a, you're not going to leap anywhere from this. You're going to build on it and everybody just needs to know what it is for now. Well, who got the biggest from that show? If you had to imagine, who had the biggest impact? I would say the person that got the most out of it was Ralphie May.

Yeah. Ralphie worked it. He worked it, and always an advantage. Being a big fat guy? You're recognizable. Interesting. Seriously, if I go walking around an airport with John Panette, every single person, oh my God, you're the buffet guy.

Right. Because they saw him. Ron White, he's huge. Lou can get lost in a crowd. I'm a dwarf. Nobody even sees me walk in. If I have a baseball hat, I forget it. But the recognizableness of, and then Ralphie worked hard and worked it.

And I think he still, a lot of his people came to him through that. Mm-hmm. I had already. Whereas a lot of people just didn't capitalize. Well, they didn't capitalize, but I don't really know that they could have. What, you know, what's, well, and then some were just not stable. I mean, you know. Well, how many communities are there?

You can't send some of them out on the road alone. Right, that's true. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You know, I won't mention Nate. I mean, the one guy would still just be wandering around Nashville. You know what I mean? Like, you can't mention Nate. I mean, the one guy would still just be wandering around Nashville. You know what I mean? Like, you can't allow that.

You'd have to send a handler or something because they, or some of them hadn't done the road enough, and you just kept going wherever your career was. That's where you're going to just keep going. But people, there are some people on the show, I think, that have these ideas that just because we're really famous right now, yes, we're very recognizable right now. This doesn't mean...

It's going to last. No, nothing does. Nothing lasts. It was interesting seeing guys like Jay London get this big bump, and all of a sudden we were hanging out at this comedy store, and people would come up to him and ask him to take pictures. I was like, wow. And I told you I did my first TV show with Jay in like 92,

so it was wild to see that. It was wild to see all of a sudden things were happening. And how many people really like fell in love with Jay? Like they were all, that was their guy. And his stuff is quirky and funny and weird. I just didn't know there were that many. I think your fans reflect your act. I didn't understand that there were that many people as weird as Jay.

Well, he's entertaining. Not in a bad weird as Jay. Well, he's entertaining. Not in a bad way. Right. No, he's very funny. It's just if I saw the whole show, Jay wouldn't be the one I would have written fan mail to first. It's not saying I don't think he's funny. He is funny, but I don't connect with him. And, like, it was hard.

I tried to. He's so sweet, but i don't know yeah god this makes me don't play this yeah i can't even watch that's how bad it was like vietnam that's how bad that experience was was it really that bad i won't yeah i don. Usually, I don't. Just being trapped in the house for a month? Yeah, well. We don't own that. They just ruined it because I thought it was going to be fun. I love Todd Glass.

I love John Heffron. We're friends. So you thought it would be fun to just hang out in the house together, but then once you got there, the artificial drama and all the bullshit. Yeah, they took away. We had no phones, no internet, no newspaper, because that would date the episode if I'm reading the newspaper. It says USA Today, blah, blah.

Books? Yes, but you had to put your own book covers on them. But then you'd get in trouble for reading. Come on, we got another challenge for you guys, and then they'd drive us. A challenge? Yeah, we had to go do challenges. They were terrible. No, what kind of challenges?

Ill thought out. So they owned you guys for a month? Yeah, we were their slaves. You couldn't were terrible. No, what kind of challenges? Ill thought out. So they owned you guys for a month? Yeah, we were their slaves. You couldn't leave. If you left, you would get sued. Well, I said, what happens if I leave the property? If I run away, is there like a guard tower where I get shot? Is this like Hogan's Heroes?

And there's somebody in a, because we were in some castle up in the Brentwood Canyon where they used to shoot porn, I guess. They rent this place out. It's filthy. It was filthy too. It was gross. They said, well, you'll break your contract and then we'll sue you. Because I really did think I'm just going to run away. I can't do this

anymore. I don't care enough to go through this. I wonder if they would sue you. Did anybody leave? Did anybody try it? No. But I thought you could also say medical reasons. Yeah, totally. Right? Just eat something bad.

But they would bring you back because somebody like broke their leg, I think, or something. And they went and fixed it and brought them back. May not have been as serious as breaking a leg, but fell. We couldn't go on the treadmill because that made too much noise for the filming. We were so bored. And then you'd try to, me and John, let's go hike. You can't. Let's exercise.

You can't. You couldn't exercise. Well, unless you could think of something to do besides the treadmill or the basketball court. I don't get it. Because it all made the machines make too much noise. Really? Yep.

They're filming all the time. 24 hours a day. 24 hours a day. There's a camera above my noise. Really? Yep. They're filming all the time. 24 hours a day. 24 hours a day. There's a camera above my bed. That is ridiculous. It's crazy. They filmed above your bed? Yeah.

So you couldn't masturbate? No. Well, you had to sleep in full clothes. I'm not going on TV. I'm not a supermodel. This is not happening. That is so crazy. And you couldn't talk about anything.

So Tammy and I shared a room, Pescatelli, and we would write notes on the toilet paper. I mean, like prisoners. Like I would say, this is the plan. This is what we're going to do. And then she would okay it, and then we'd flush the toilet paper down the thing because they didn't have a camera. The only place they could have a camera was in the bathroom. That's ridiculous. Yeah, it's not what people –

That's insane. I can't even believe people agree to do that. We didn't know. We didn't know what they were going to do to us. Once you got there, though, did anybody step up and say, listen, you can't do this? You know what it was? It became like how I would envision you... What do you call it?

Like when you get a Patty Hearst, when you brainwash people. It's a very slow... Stockholm Syndrome? Yeah. Yeah. You know, first it's like, here's where you're going to live. And you think, oh, okay, right. You see this big castle up in the hills.

This will be fun. Every step of the way, I still had hope for fun. And they would just shoot the hope right out of the barrel. And it was just absolutely, it was torture awful. I didn't think you could make me not have fun with Todd Glass. How did you manage that? Nobody's more fun than Todd. How many seasons did they do that thing?

I judged the one after that. That was three, and then four. They stopped doing the house thing around four, I think. Who else hosted it? Yeah, but that's where it got weird. Bill Bellamy? Did Bill Bellamy host it? Yeah, yeah.

He hosted it when I judged it, yeah. How come Jay Moore didn't keep doing it? I don't know. No idea. If they would have let all the comedians have what they want, like you said, let me have my wine, let Ron have his beers, let the pot guys have their pot, whatever, and then just film us talking, a conversation that's funny. But, no, everything was organized.

The challenges were so degrading. We had to go do comedy in front of five-year-olds. What? That was a challenge? Yeah. And I actually won that one because I didn't do comedy. I just told them a story and they liked me best. It's like, well, is a kid going to like me?

I just, we would never do that in stand-up comedy. I would never accept money to perform at a five-year-old's birthday party. It's like, I'm going to call the clown in Northampton. He's available. It's not just terrible challenges that made no sense. They're not connected to our job. One was like, it did make me laugh, to go through Hollywood

in one of the tour buses and be the funny tour guide, but these are people who actually paid. So they don't really want to watch my lame attempt at being funny about this tour. Ant did it for a living, though,

before he was a comic. Ant's was great. I sat there and listened, and I was like, oh, man, that was a great tour. But I didn't know he did it for a living, and then he told me he made half of it up anyway. And I go, well, what would be the difference for a tourist if he told me that was Dolly Parton's home? I'd be like, oh, I saw Dolly Parton's home. Does it really matter

if it's Dolly Parton's home? If I think I saw it, then I saw it. Unless you get that one wiseass in the crowd that knows that's not Dolly Parton's home. Right, right. He'd need another. Dolly Parton's home, if I think I saw it, then I saw it. Unless you get that one wise ass in the crowd that knows, that's not Dolly Parton's home. Right, right. He'd need another. Dolly Parton's home is two blocks away. You don't even know what you're talking about. My star map says it's straight away.

I have the original star map. It was just stuff like that where you're like, wow, you have totally managed to make me hate myself, my job, my choice for being here. There's a way to do it, though. There's a way to do a reality show with stand-up comedians. It could be really fun. There is definitely a way, and if somebody would go pitch it, you, they know you well enough, you have power, go in and every network,

it had 13 million people watching it per episode in summer. That's unheard of. When they say American Idol's ratings are crap, they've fallen to 19. I'm like, we had 13 as comics. American Idol's ratings are crap? Every year they just keep falling. Really? Yeah.

Because it's TV. People get bored. People are tired of it. They still have 19 million fucking people. It's not that bad. Is there anybody left that hasn't auditioned? Come on. Hasn't auditioned? Oh, hasn't auditioned? Come on. Hasn't auditioned.

Hasn't. There's new people growing up who've watched American Idol and known that this is their chance. This is their breakout moment. This is it. This is it. That's a really good argument. I think the judging. Because once you break up the initial judges.

You know, I loved Paula. You can't get rid of her. You like the fact she was all pilled out of her mind. Didn't know what was going on I haven't seen that much drinking on TV since Bewitched I loved it They should give her booze right You know what I loved about you tonight

Your second song You're just That was it That was her whole comment She went deep. She wasn't happy with things. I don't know what the matter was, but I liked it. Whatever the matter was, more of it.

And then to let her go, I'm like, uh. Somebody hasn't done the proper reality show with comics yet. They haven't done it. They haven't figured it out. The best parts of my show were me and Duncan hanging around. What I thought was the best part, the funnest part, was just me and Duncan investigating UFOs and Bigfoot and shit together, just goofing around.

It just so happened that we were looking for Bigfoot. What was fun was hanging out with Duncan. Right. Did you see the new Bigfoot footprint today, by the way? Does it look good? High res? I believe it. New Bigfoot print.

And the dead chupacabra last week. Yeah, that was interesting. That guy who shot that thing that he said was a chupacabra. In Mississippi. Could that be a raccoon or something? No. No. I don't think they know what the fuck it is. They think it's like a coyote with mange.

But it was really fresh. The body was really fresh after he'd shot it. Like, he was poking it. He was poking it. It was still pliable. It's got like hooves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it has long claws. New Chupacabra.

What are you saying? You think it's a Chupacabra? Is that what you're telling me? You think it's real? Much like the armadillo, they're moving north. They started in Mexico. Chupacabra in the news. Chupacabra video. news. Chupacabra video. Chupacabra. Really? Man shot a chupacabra. It was on CNN, right? I saw it on Huffington Post. Huff Post. Okay.

Yeah, there it is. August 27th. This silly bitch has a video. Phyllis Canyon captures Texas blue dog, possibly chupacabra. Oh, this is another one. A hunter in Lee County kills a mysterious animal in a repurposed chicken coop this morning, and some people in the area say it could be the mythical chupacabra. The hairless creature was killed in a pig town, a community in Lenox, Mississippi. News Channel 12's Jacob Kittleset takes us there, but first, if you're just a little squeamish,

you may want to look away. The story contains some graphic images. Graphic images. Hmm, suffering, it's like a tax. Grab his hands and just, mmm, suffering, it's like a tax. Armed with his.22, Matt Hugh Harrell was coon hunting when he saw the glowing red eyes in the hay. This wasn't, I mean, he wasn't lunging. He was down so like a cat. And unlike a typical coyote, the beast moved to attack. When I was standing right yonder, he hit right here. Looked like he was finna jump down, and I didn't give him a chance.

He brought it down here and showed it to me, and my neighbor over here, Charles, got chicken houses, and he said he's seen it over two or three times. And they said it run funny, you know, like this front end was lower than this back end. They said it was one of them coo-caw-brows or whatever. And that's what I'd call it bec Yeah, look at this. It's almost without hair nails

on its paws and a build u a local scene in the area is dead. My dog was sca when it's dead, my dog is scared of it. Chupacabra is a Spanish word literally translated as suck goat. For the myth, the creature attacks livestock, draining blood by chomping down onto farm animals' flesh. Ew. Wow, that's some good watermelon. Anyways, the Department of Wildlife and Fisheries says that this chupacabra

is probably more likely a wild dog or coyote with mange What the fuck? What? explanation the moment he shot it. And I reloaded my gun. I walked over there and when I shined light down on him, I said, my God, I said, well, and I unloaded again on him to make sure he was dead. And based on the lay of the hay in the barn, another rumor has also started going around. Well, it's weird to me and I figured there are some more out there. Getting you answers in Lee County, back to you. Well, what's interesting is that thing looks exactly like these other ones that they've shot. Yeah. Yeah, there's more. I mean, there's more than one that look, like, really similar. Almost exactly the same.

And that that guy looks exactly like Dale Earnhardt Jr. So probably he's real. Yeah. Right? He's real, and so is that. Can you imagine if there was a fucking real animal, like a coyote-type animal that they just hadn't discovered yet? That a chupacabra really was real. That he's a mix between a Mexican wolf and then some sort of coyote.

Well, what's interesting is they found really recently in America, they found jaguars that have made it up from South America. They're starting to find them in Phoenix. They're finding them on camera traps. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, here, I'll pull up. So you could say I'll pull up some pictures. Jaguar in Phoenix.

Or in Arizona. What's the difference between a jaguar and a puma? Puma is a cougar. A cougar is a mountain lion. A jaguar is a much larger animal. A little looser. A little more dangerous. A jaguar is a much larger animal. A little looser. A little more dangerous. A jaguar is more dangerous than a lion?

No, more dangerous than a mountain lion. Yeah, see, they're spotted. They look crazy. They're catching, they're finding these in Arizona. Show it to the people who see it online. You can see it. Wow. Yeah, that's a camera trap photo in Arizona.

Fucking giant South American cat Well that's you know The whole They're black too sometimes This is one that's in northern Mexico Look at that Oh my god

They found that close to the United States border And there's been some sightings of jaguars Black jaguars in America They haven't been substantiated. They don't know whether or not they're actually legit. Jamie. But they know they're making it up here. There's a lot of photographs of them in Arizona.

Look, here's another one. Oh, my God. They're fucking huge. Yeah, they're, like, way bigger than a mountain lion. You know, I was teasing Lou. We did this big golf thing, charity thing in Phoenix. I said, we're staying at this place where the casitas are way out. You follow these paths.

I go, careful of the javelinas. And he said, what is that? And I said, they're tiny pigs that attack you in the night. He was like, you're totally making that up. I said, no, I'm not. Google it. People think I'm making it up. I'm not.

They're in New Mexico, too. Jaguars in New Mexico. Oh, my God. They say they're using the same routes that the drug dealers use. Probably. Yeah, well, that's what they're saying. They're saying using the same clandestine routes as drug smugglers, male jaguars are crossing into the United States from Mexico. Illegally.

No paperwork. Exactly. And they're fucking big. So wait, that thing is bigger than a lion? Mountain lion. Bigger than a mountain lion. It's bigger than a mountain lion. Yes.

Wow. Yeah, let's see. Jaguar. I think they're about 200 pounds. Let's see. The cat cat not the car you fuck heads Wikipedia wants me to send me to Jaguar USA what's the average weight of a Jaguar

it's a big cat cause you're a dumb cunt Siri Siri you useless bitch let me ask the Google person. I bet you they know more. Yeah. Let's see. I don't remember how to do it.

Okay. What's the average weight of a jaguar? 350 pounds. They can weigh as much as 350 pounds. Larger males. Yeah, it just did it. It gave me an answer right there. Yeah.

I don't have the sound on Yeah, it just did it. It gave me an answer right there. Yeah. I don't know how the sound on there. You could have heard it. Weights are normally in the range of 56 to 96 kilograms, which is 124 to 211 pounds. Larger males have been recorded to weigh as much as 350 pounds, or 160 kilograms, roughly matching a tigress or a lioness. So the males grow to the same size as a female lion. That's how big male jaguars are.

That's a big fucking cat. Yeah, because my brother's afraid to go hunting in Missouri because he's secretly afraid of mountain lions, but he won't tell my dad that because my dad will make fun of him. So when you're going out in the morning, it's dark in the woods. There are trail cams in Missouri with pictures of, they're all about 200 pounds though, a mountain lion. Some of them are smaller. But they're in Missouri.

Yeah. I saw one in Santa Barbara. I saw a mountain lion in Montecito. Shut up. Yeah. Driving down the street. It wasn't a big one. It was probably about 80, 70, 80 pounds.

But I saw it bounding across the street. It was fucking dark out. And I thought it was a coyote for a second. And then I saw its tail. I'm like, that's a cat tail. I'm like, oh my god, it's a mountain lion. Just running across the street real quick. I went golfing with my dad in Florida and if my mom my mom's afraid of dogs, my mom's afraid of everything, but I went with him and we were on a whole, it was a golf course in a well-developed community like a subdivision

and i said what is that and i saw this thing coming towards the t-box and it was sauntering like and he's like that's a uh a mountain lion and i said that that sure is and we need to get in the cart and get the fuck out of here but it just it walked as if it was just gonna play the hole and then it kept walking and i was like wow well apparently in the swamps now down there the panthers are out of control in florida completely out of hand really along with the pythons the pythons and the panthers because every i don't know how the panther thing started but the python from the people dumping their pets that they couldn't end up taking care of and now they're allowing people to go on python hunts i'm like i don't really think if you don't know how to do that you should pets that they couldn't end up taking care of, and now they're allowing people to go on python hunts.

I'm like, I don't really think if you don't know how to do that, you should do that. They should do that. Let them go. Let them go. So many fucking people anyway. Let them go. Well, we're finna go python hunting. They're having a real hard time with that, though. They can't find them.

They're having a really hard time finding the pythons. I know, so they're sending the idiots out, and they are finding them. It's the same, like those two guys, did you see the alligator? The largest one ever. Just like last week, caught by those two guys. Well, largest one in Mississippi, yeah. Yeah, Mississippi. Well, two in one day, they broke their

same record. They broke the world record. Well, the state record. In Mississippi in one day. It was like 600 something pounds, and then two people on the same day caught more than 700 pounders. Wow. They're so big, too. It's a scary-looking thing. Well, I asked the old guys.

I was in South Carolina, Kiowa, golfing with Lou, and there's alligators everywhere. I go, but who eats the alligator? Who kills the alligator? He goes, other alligators. I said, no way. They're cannibals. He goes, oh, yeah. He goes, they dominate a pond, like on a golf course, the swampy golf courses.

They dominate a pond, and then if any new alligators come to their pond, they just eat them. Whoa. So who's their natural predator? Except, did you see the video of that mountain lion taken down and the alligator? What do they call him in South America? Not an alligator. A chameleon or a... Caiman.

A caiman. Yeah. It's a jaguar. It's not a video. It's pictures or a... Caiman. A caiman. Yeah. That. It's a jaguar. It's not a video. It's pictures, and you see him... That's a jaguar. Okay. That's one of the animals that's going into North America.

He doesn't have spots, though. They don't always have spots. Oh, okay. There's black ones, too. Okay, well, that thing took down an alligator, and they go, finally, here's a predator, because who's their predator? Why aren't there millions and millions in Florida? That's a small crocodile, too, those caimans. Yeah, it's jaguar eating a caiman.

There's actually a couple of YouTube videos. If you can pull that up, that is crazy. Yeah, they're fucking ferocious cats. This is one right here. Oh, wow. Fuck these animals, man. It's spectacular looking, wow. Fuck these animals, man. It's spectacular looking, though. It is.

I mean, I wouldn't want to see it. But look at that fucking creepy thing. If I was standing. He blends right in so well. Of course, he's a professional killer. Oh, my God. He's got a little baby crocodile by the head. Oh, my God.

I'm going to drag it out of the water. Wow. Yeah, they eat them. I drag it out of the water. Wow. Yeah, they eat them. I mean, that's how badass they are. They eat crocodiles. You know how tough fucking crocodile skin is? Right. And these fuckers just chew right through it.

Wow. All right, here we go. Round one. That is a big fucking cat, man. That's a really big fucking cat. Well, and they say they'll stalk us. Well, fuck yeah. People.

The only reason why they don't is because they don't do it all the time. If they did it all the time, if they were used to killing people, that would be on the menu. They're not ethical. People have this ridiculous idea that, well, they don't even eat people. They just don't know about it yet. Right. It's a delicacy they've heard of.

It's a Thursday special. It's not an everyday menu item. It becomes a huge problem in any area where they do have... Did that just already go down? It's already went down. Why don't you show the attack part? It becomes a real problem in any area where big cats find out that they can eat people.

That's what that movie The Ghost in the Darkness was about. These lions got a taste of... Oh, shit. Whoa, look how fast this motherfucker moves. Wow. Do they only have it in slow motion or do they show it in full speed? This is full speed. No, the run.

Oh. The run in there. Let me show them. It's too bad. When you see them move, like pounce on something, you see how quick that they can cover distance? There's one. Look up this.

Jaguar eats capybara. Jaguar kills capybara. What's a capybara? Capybara is a giant rodent, a huge rodent, like a 100-pound rodent huge rodent like a hundred pound rodent that lives in the amazon and jaguars eat them and they stalk them when these people catch them all the time because the capybara feed like right on the shore and the jaguars sneak through the grass right on the shore and it happens on film all the time where they just come bum rush

these giant rats it's like fuck them up look this. Look how creepy that motherfucker is when he's moving. Those are so terrifying. Look how creepy he is. And then he just sprints. And there's a capybara. Oh, my God. Yep. Look at that roll, that gator roll he just did while holding on to that thing's neck.

He just got it by the face, man. He doesn't even have him by the neck. He has him by his face. Just dragging him into the woods where he fucks him up. There's a few videos like this. This is a pretty good one. But there's a gang of these videos. It happens all the time.

There's a great one where he gets it in the water. Versus capybara. They have those things at the Santa Monica Zoo or the San Diego Zoo. No. Yeah, I think so. Well, they're about that.

No, Santa Barbara. They're about the, which ones? The Capybaras. They have those things. They're like the same as a Nutria. Yeah. No, bigger.

Way bigger. Oh, they are? Yeah, look at this. This one doesn't even know that fucking thing's there. Look, it's just wandering around like a dumbass. I'm a giant rat. What's that thing right there? Just bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.

Oh my God, look at these people in the back. Yeah, those people are right there. Oh, wow. They're like, holy shit. He just ran into the water to gank them. And look at him. He's way out there. With a rat in his mouth.

A giant rat that he's going to swim to shore and eat. I would not be standing. Well, it's just such a weird thing. That thing's willing to go into the water and kill. Why doesn't it go and get you? Yeah, right. Look at this. And it just kills you right in front of these fucking people.

It doesn't give a flying fuck that there's two boats there with cameras and guns and shit. Is that black? Is that a black one? Yeah. It's a dark, a dark one. At least they,

they, they vary. Yeah. It's muddy too. I'm sure. But they vary. Sometimes their spots are like almost their whole body's a spot. And you can see like in the really black Jaguars,

you can see the kind of, uh, the little, the coloration, but they vary. Some of them are completely black. Those are the ones that are the fucking scariest. They hunt at night. Right. You can't see anything.

When you're in the jungle in the Amazon, apparently it's the most terrifying thing because they're everywhere. They're just looking for something to kill at night. They can see the fucking fluorescents are on. That's why. Do you watch that show, Naked and Af it that's great what's your survival rating give you a primitive survival rating i was watching i told my brother mine's negative four i would start crying the minute the helicopter was landing and kicking me out that's last comic standing taken to the next level it well yeah it is basically the same thing or until we kill each other you either die on your own. Yeah, it is. It's basically the same thing. Or until we kill each other.

You either die on your own or I kill you. It's basically the same thing. But they put them in horrible places. And I know, you know, my brother goes, well, they have producers and stuff. Yeah, I know. But a producer can't stop a spider. Yeah. Or a wolf.

Right. If you're naked, you know how much it would suck if you got bit by a wolf and you were naked? Oh, my God. I think it would suck. If a wolf just grabs your belly, just locks onto your belly and starts chewing through it. It would just raw meat right there. It would just erupt. We're made out of butter.

We're basically made out of butter. We would just slice wide open. Yeah, we'd be easy. Like a little seal for him. Just a little. Seal's way tougher than us. Yeah, their skin is tougher, you're right. Wait, you can make shoes out of them.

Seal shoes? I'm sure you can. You could make that up. Of course I did. So it's like taking seal shoes. Okay, let's see. Seal leather. Let's see.

No. Can you make leather out of seals? I bet you can. Wet seal leather jacket. Wet seal is a store. Snow seal. Snow seal. Original beeswax waterproofing.

Australian leather seal. Seal leather. Can you make leather out of seals? No, actually you can. Wow, that's weird. Huh. Leather made from seals? Let's try that.

This might be bullshit. Look at iOS 7. Somebody posted a photo, Joe. It says, Siri, what's the average weight of a Jaguar? Look how it answers now. The answer gives you all this shit. But it's off by 100 pounds, Siri. Stupid bitch.

Can you make leather out of seal? Biggest ones. Hmm. Doesn't say. Leather made from seals? Show me a picture of seal's face. There's all this other seal leather. There's like

leather seals. The problem is it's like stuff that you put on leather to seal it. They call it leather seal. So when you Google it, that's mostly what you find. Yes. Made from a seal. Can seals be made into leather? That's a good one.

It's all back to the Aragon how to make a leather piston seal. Seal hunt facts. Seal skins, yes. You can melt leather seal down to a liquid form. No, that's not the right answer. Yeah, you can use

seal skin. Seal skin is something they use. Let's see. Do the Inuits use it? Easter seal porn. Canada exports the following seal products seal skins fur skins pelts

and leather seal oil and seal meat seal oil this is all about seal hunting it's a conservation website that's trying to save seals

because they fucking club them to death right but their oil because I've watched that show what's that crazy one where they oh above the arctic circle

yeah it's on Nat Geo too the seal oil is what they used for cooking and everything seal oil? yes it's very valuable yeah they use it for like lamps too, right? Don't they? Yeah. That's another set of crazy people, the people on that show. Yeah, seal

meat, they sell seal meat, they sell a lot of different things. Wow, that's so weird. Here's Canada not satisfied, the underperformance of seal meat sales, according to their own website. Finding a market for seal meat outside of Newfoundland continues to present a major challenge for the sealing industry.

The amount of seal meat landed in 2002 was extremely low, in part because the hunt was mainly directed at younger animals, which have very little recoverable meat. Beaters. They call them beaters. Oh my God. That's the ones they beat to death because they want their fur. Because the younger ones are white and fluffy before they get old and funky. Beating baby, clubbing baby seals.

That's like what everybody's mad about. And they sell seal oil capsules. They sell it as a nutritional supplement. Wow. I think if you live above the Arctic Circle, you can do whatever you want. Yeah, you're living in a gangster world. You have to fit right in. Yep.

If you need to go club a seal, then I think you got it. Do you ever watch those shows, like Alaska, The Last Frontier? I haven't watched that one. I like the one where they have six people that they focus on that live above the Arctic Circle. Right. The one lady in her own camp, I can't think of her name. It's like she has like little sayings and stuff where you're like, this is the hardest woman I've ever seen, ever. You want to be a pork chop?

You've got to act like a pork chop. Pork chop? You've got to act like a pork chop. She's always hunting the wolves and other things around her camp. It's like miles. What I really can't believe is there's a crew up there. Where are they staying? They have to go film this stuff every day.

There's a family that lives in an igloo. The best one is Mountain Men. You ever watch that one? I haven't. It's on the History Channel. It's about these guys and one of them is guy marty mayorano he lives in the dark north of alaska he lives deep into the woods he has to fly on a plane two hours over like woods to land in the camp where he goes like for two hours he's flying around not seeing nothing but trees there's no cities no nothing and he's not for two hours he's flying around not seeing nothing but trees. There's no cities, no nothing.

And he's not afraid of bears? He's got to be afraid of bears. He carries a rifle every time he does take a shit. Everything he does he has to have a rifle on him. That's why, okay, I love House Hunters. I know it's a chick show. But they were looking in Alaska. These people wanted to get away.

They wanted as far away from possible. Or no, it wasn't House Hunters. It's a show, Buying Alaska. Yeah. And so they were like, well, we want to. But they're like from Wisconsin, right? And the people were like, you don't seem to understand what's going to happen. Because they're up there in summertime.

Right. First of all, I said, what if you have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? You have to take a gun because there's a bear? Yes. Who would choose to? What is the perk? go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? You have to take a gun because there's a bear? Yes. Who would choose to? What is the perk? What is the perk? The perk seems to be with all these people.

We don't want to be around any other people. When you're taking it that far, I think there's something wrong. What's really wrong? Well, some people, they love the idea of living with nature, too. It's not just about being with no people. It's like every day you're going to see a moose or you're going to see a bear. You're going to see. There's something really magical about that.

I don't want to live like that, but I get it. I get that part, but when the living becomes so difficult, it would take the joy out of the moose for me. When it's going to take us 11 hours in a sled to go get some smokes. There's no smokes up there. You roll your own. Well, we got to go get tobacco and. There's no smokes up there. You roll your own. Well, we got to go get tobacco and we got to get paper. We need some bread.

We need some Diet Coke. I mean, all of a sudden, living things. We need some Diet Coke. That's not something you say when you're living in Alaska, roughing it in a house made out of trees. Well, okay, beer. I don't know what people need to live But what do you want at the store It's going to take us 11 hours in a sled Well this guy Marty

He's a trapper And he lives like It's like 50 below zero All the time where he lives His beard gets entirely covered with ice and snow It's the gnarliest shit you've ever seen The guy's walking around And his face is just

Covered in this white snow Frozen beard And he's up there wandering around Alone? Yeah he lives alone you've ever seen. The guy's walking around and his face is just covered in this white snow frozen beard and he's up there wandering around. Yeah, he lives alone. This is not what we're looking at. What are you doing?

You were talking about like eating a rough... That's not him. No, no, no. I know, but you like you know who he is. Yeah, that's the fucking fake guy.

He's like eating like a full... That Les Stroud hates. Yeah, he's eating a full meal out there pretending to be roughing it. Yeah. That guy's silly. That show was created because of Survivorman.

You know, Lestroud, like, they wanted Lestroud to do all this fake shit. Like, let's pretend you just shot a moose, and we'll bring in the moose. And he's like, no. Like, I'm not faking anything. They wanted to fake a bunch of things. And they're like, look, we know how to make television. He's like, I'm not faking it. So they made that show and put it on the same network just to fuck him.

Just to, like... Wow. Yeah, but that show is bullshit. Like, that guy doesn't... The guy stays in hotels every night. Which one is that? The guy on the far left, Bear Grylls. No, but what show is this? What is his show? I forget what it's called. But when people found out that he was bullshitting everybody,

like, they stopped watching it. Man vs. Man vs. Wild? Oh, that's where they dropped him off. Okayitting everybody. They stopped watching it. Man vs. Wild? Oh, that's where they dropped him off. Okay, yeah, I've seen it. It didn't seem real. No. They're not doing a very good job of faking it. It was really obviously fake. It wasn't just a little bit

of fake. The guy would do all this crazy shit that you would never do. Leap from the top of an ice cliff and slide down this ice tunnel. Why are you doing all this like you're doing a stunt in a movie?

That's not what you would do if you were surviving. If you're out here camping. Right, you wouldn't be having fun. You're surviving. Surviving is not... There's no games. Well, apparently they edited them, removing elements that were too planned. They re-edited some of the episodes with a fresh voiceover and a preceding announcement pointing out that some situations are, in quotes,

presented to bear to show the viewer how to survive. However, five of the most controversial season one episodes were never released, never re-released after editing and are no longer available on DVD for Discovery. Wow. These are the Rockies, the Moab Desert, Costa Rican Rainforest, Mount Kilauea, Hawaii, and

Desert Island in Hawaii. Well, you know, I'm still... The Discovery Channel really took a hit in my world because of Megalodon. Megalodon? I believed it. Oh, they lied about the whale that washed up on shore and was missing half its body?

They made up all of it. How about the fucking mermaids? Wasn't that Animal Planet? They made up mermaids? That was Discovery as well. Was it? I'm almost positive. Come on.

Look it up. Okay. Discovery Channel mermaid. No, it might have been Animal Planet. Come on. Look it up. Okay. Discovery Channel. No, it might have been Animal Planet. It was the biggest show ever on Animal Planet. People are so fucking stupid. They're like, I'm telling you, Ma, there's a fucking mermaid. That one I didn't believe, but I did believe Megadon was possible.

You did believe? Yeah. So you saw the shark that got bitten in half? Yeah. Discovery Channel mermaids that got bitten in half? Yeah. Discovery Channel mermaids. Mermaids. Yeah, okay. What's that?

Oh, it's Animal Planet. Oh, I guess Animal Planet and Discovery are together. Yeah. Here's what's wrong with this. So like Animal Planet is supposed to be educating kids too, right? So we're just going to start. Wasn't the show one of those what if shows? It's animals.discovery.com. That's the website. That's interesting. So Animal Planet is going to start. Wasn't the show one of those what-if shows? It's animals.discovery.com.

That's the website. That's interesting. So Animal Planet is owned by Discovery. And it's the Animal Planet website. We're a surprisingly human animal planet. It wasn't what-if. It wasn't. Oh, no.

They had a guy from the Navy. No, it was totally fake. They had animation and they had like a fake mermaid. It's really disgusting what they did. But they presented it. They just fucked everybody. They fucked everybody. They presented it as a real investigation documentary with real people.

My friend Lorene, though, her husband Tony is a scientist. He goes, I don't know why you would have believed any of this. Just know scientists aren't that hot ever. Well, the other thing is like why they're showing it on TV in a channel that doesn't show fiction. It's an educational channel. It's supposed to be. So is Discovery.

I cannot believe they took an hour out of my life. Not only did I believe it, I texted my brother and said, you have got to go TiVo or whatever, record Megalodon. Yeah. All fake. Yeah, they're just out of their fucking mind. I can't believe they even put this on the air. But it just goes to show you when we're talking about how hard it is to make a good show because you're dealing with producers, you're dealing with networks, you're dealing with all these fucking crazy people. That they can let an idea like this go through.

They're like, yeah, let's pretend it's real. Let's just fucking pretend it's real. They just pretended they found mermaids. You're an asshole. You are a fucking asshole. You made a fake mermaid show on a Discovery, you know. And that's something

you would sit down and watch with your kids. Yes, and they would go, when I go in the ocean, I don't want the mermaid to get me. And then you gotta explain to your kids that the people

on television are liars. They're cunts. Like, complete. Lying shitheads. We had an issue on my show where there was, we had to re-edit one of the episodes because the first airing,

it was the Weaponized Weather episode. I saw it. The first airing, they showed this thing, which is called a skyquake, and they said, sent in from a podcast viewer. So I have zero to do with the editing.

I could say, I don't like this, or we've got to take this out. But I didn't see this. They stuck this in. Because we did like six episodes, and we did them all in a few months. It was really quick. And it was like within, I brought them the idea, they said yes, and then we started filming like almost immediately. Wow.

And it was crazy. And we banged out six episodes and made a lot of mistakes. But one of the big ones is one of the editors lied. And they put this video footage in and put this fake noise behind it and said a podcast listener sent in this sound of a sky quake. Well, here's the problem. The guy whose video that they used when they faked it was a guy who was being criticized on the show. So the guy criticized on the show was like, no, not only is that fake, like that's my fucking hand, that's my yard. Like that's not true, that's not real.

So I called them up and read them the riot act. I'm like, what the fuck, you know, what happened? And it was, you know, someone edited it. Apparently that's what they do. Like editors, like they create fake shit. Like in these reality in quote shows all the time. So they took it out of the subsequent performances. But the first air episode, first time in their first couple of times there, they had this

lie in it, you know, and it's supposed to be a show about finding the truth. Right. And, you know, they were they were really upset. Like the production company was really upset that it happened. They didn't know it was happening. But this is a normal way that people create these shows they they just fucking fake it up this guy sent us to the here's a man living in alaska was stranded in the wolves the wolf pack den for six weeks and this is the video he sent us a bunch of wolves

snapping at the door there's no real wolves there man as you made this up they do it all the time they call it reality show and that's what les stroud was not willing to do that's why they made the bear man versus wild right because they're like yeah we'll show you how smart you are and look what happened they got fucked because they think they're smarter than people they think that people are going to be too stupid to know that they're just engineering the show and completely fabricating all this. Survivor Man is awesome because that guy is a legit bad motherfucker who will go out into the woods with a tin can and a shoelace and survive for a week. Right.

That's why it's good. What about that river guy? I hope that's real. Oh, Big River Man? The guy who swam the Amazon? No, no. Oh, really? Somebody did that?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, no. Swamp people? Oh, the river hunter. The monster? River monster. Oh, that guy's real. I believe him. Yeah, really? Somebody did that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, no. Swamp people? Oh, the river hunter. The monster? River monster. Oh, that guy's real.

I believe him. Yeah, that's real. He seems too into it for it to be fake. And he doesn't look right to be a TV host. I like the way he looks, but he's not all... River monsters. Yeah. That's the guy.

Yeah, he's awesome. He's going fishing. He's basically fishing for evil fish. Right. That's what he does. And he's finding them. Yeah. Oh, they for evil fish. Right. That's what he does. And he's finding them. Yeah.

Oh, they're out there. Things, yeah. Those ones that he found in Africa, in the Congo, those giant tiger fish. The tiger fish I saw with the crazy teeth. What the fuck? That is some ancient shit. That's some dinosaur type shit. Well, that's why when the locals explain it and then people go, well, that doesn't exist.

That's a myth. Well, where did a myth start? Somebody saw something fucked up and went back to their people and said, I just saw it on the lake, this river, this fucked up thing and it had teeth and it growled like a tiger. Well, no, you didn't. Yeah, I did and it was a fish. Yeah, I wonder when they found tiger fish. That's why I like that

he talks to the locals. Yeah, he gets down with those fucking people. There was something weird in Siberia, too. That's one of the fish that he caught. That's the tigerfish. Yeah. Jesus fucking Christ.

Pull that shit up. Look at that. Pull that picture up. That's insane. That was always my thing with the giant squid, when they would say, oh, well, you know, probably not, probably not,

until they actually just recently found one. But do you see those sketches of Japanese fishermen and the octopuses taking them all off the boat? Who would sit down and draw that if it wasn't fucking true? Why would you go through the bullshit of, I'm going to sketch out this giant sea monster. Oh, man. Look at that fucking thing's mouth.

Oh, my God. Eat me, Seymour. Well, the giant squid, one of the things about the giant squid that's really fascinating is each one of those suction cups has a hook in it. They have like a, like it sucks down and there's like a hook, like a beak type hook. So he could just pluck you out of a boat. Rip you apart. It would tear you apart. If one of those giant squids got a hold of your body, it would literally just slice you open like a giant rope covered in razor blades.

It's pulled across your body. It would just rip you to shreds. Yeah, those aren't like just suction cups. They have like a tooth in them. Oh, I thought it was a wraparound deal and they yanked you out of the boat. No, well, there's that too. But the suction cups of a giant squid have teeth. Yeah, it's nasty. It's like this beak-like thing.

Here, I'll pull it up. Yeah. The fucking ocean is so goddamn terrifying. It's creepy. They found some new thing. This video that they took. Yeah, here, you can see that each hook has like... Oh my took. Yeah, here, like you can see that each hook has like... Oh, my God. Yeah. Each one of those suction cups has hooks in it. Like, that's a goddamn cat claw.

Look at that thing. Yeah, yeah, it's huge. What is the new thing? What's the creepy new thing? Well, it's a giant jellyfish-like thing that they found on a deep-sea oil rig camera. Brian, pull up massive unidentified sea monster caught on oil rig cam and this thing is really fucking weird and apparently it's been

identified as a type of jellyfish it's you see its underside it It has this weird testy area where its balls are. It's so fucking freaky. It looks like a giant flying carpet monster. And it's just underneath the ocean. I mean, they find these things. That's why I will always believe in the Loch Ness Monster. I don't believe in that one. Why?

Because the best photographs of it are bullshit. The best photograph they ever had was a total hoax. The guy made up the best photograph that was ever taken. I thought he said he did and then took that back. Or is that the Patterson film? That's the Patterson film. Did he say, I made it up, and then he goes, no, I didn't? He never said he did, but he died young.

The guy who said that he wasn't in it but then said he was was the guy who actually wore the suit himself. And he did and he not only did he most likely wear that suit he walked like it look at it watch this thing this thing swims by see the the oil cam they catch it swimming look at that it's fucking enormous but wait till it comes around don't worry you can't see it yet don't try to change the contrast when it comes back around then you can actually see it again but it gets like right in front of the camera and you know these oil rigs are these huge fucking things and they have these remote cameras and they catch these insane deep sea animals like they caught this one squid that has these

crab like arms but this, it comes close. It gets, like, way up to the camera. Now, why don't they think this is just, like, a big jellyfish or something? It is. It is a type of jellyfish. That's what they had to identify and figure out what it is. But, you know, you're talking about something that's just fucking enormous. Toxic waste jellyfish.

Oh, yeah. It's probably absorbing all that Fukushima shit. But look at the size of that thing. It's so weird looking too. When it gets up to the camera. It looks like paper. That'd be fun to play inside of that if you wouldn't get hurt. So many toxic jellyfish.

So many jellyfish will fuck you up. That's how they protect themselves from predation. They're just covered in stingers. People get scarred up really bad, too. Yeah, my friend just got bit in the back of her head. By jellyfish? Yeah, huge marks on it. Looks like she has a tattoo now on the back

of her neck. Wow. Yeah, jellyfish will fuck you up, man. No, that was in Italy or somewhere. Somebody tweeted me the actual explanation and I retweeted it, so give me a second here and I'll find it, whatever this was. NPR.

Yeah, NPR had the answer for what it is, that it's some type of a jellyfish. But how do they know if they didn't catch it? Because they see it and they can recognize it. They know what it is. But there's still a lot of see it and they can recognize it. They know what it is. But there's still a lot of shit in the ocean that they really don't know what it is. They have no idea. Yeah, there's sounds, biological sounds that have been recorded that are like many, many times louder than anything a whale can make.

Right, so what's making that? They don't know what it is, but they know it's a biological sound. I think they call it the bloop. Yeah. Disparia. In Mermaids, they said it was mermaids talking. Yeah, all those fucking dickheads. Whoever put that thing on TV should go to jail.

Seriously, it's on an educational channel. I don't care if this is on the goofy movie channel. There's a giant squid in real life. Pull up giant squid in real life. Pull up giant squid with crab arms. Oil rig camera, giant squid, crab arms. Because this is the weirdest fucking thing ever. They found this

squid that has these crazy crab arms and it's living underneath the water just floating around like an alien. That's why I always, when you see those underwater oil rig welder guys, oh my God, what do you make? It's not enough.

How much to go down there and weld? Look at this thing. I mean, tell me that doesn't look like something right out of Star Trek. Look how long its legs are. Look at those fucking tentacles. It looks like an alien. And look at those things.

Yeah, right? Yeah. Well, not escher but uh geiger hr geiger yeah yeah jesus christ i mean we don't know literally 90 percent of the ocean i used to surf and then i well i saw a shark. That was the end. Yeah. But the other stuff that you see. Like what? The weird jellyfish that don't even make sense. They're up on top floating around. But then you'd see like a dolphin. And that's really cool to be on your surfboard. And there's a dolphin right there.

And they're totally friendly. They'll not hurt you. And to just see one in the wild. And they'll they'll not hurt you um and to just see one in the wild and they'll surf a wave with you but the amount of coolness is not okay considering how many bad things are there yeah there's just so many unknowns it's well and think that's why i really do think surfers are real surfers i mean idiots like me that did it on a weekend, but they're the bravest people. What other sport would you agree that underneath the playing field are the most dangerous things on earth that at any moment can come up and eat you? Like you wouldn't go on a soccer field where they said we have 11 lions underneath the field.

At any moment, the lions can be released and eat you. Well, we were in Hawaii the week that two people got bitten by sharks. Recently? Yes. This week. Or this month, rather. One person died, and another person got his leg fucked up. One guy on the big island got bit, and then a woman while we were there died.

She got her arm ripped off by a shark. Oh, a German lady or something. I read about it. Yeah. Meanwhile, we were in the water. We were in that same water. And we were there, died. She got her arm ripped off by a shark. Oh, a German lady or something. I read about it. Yeah. Meanwhile, we were in the water. We were in that same water. And we were joking around. I was like, can you imagine if we were at a picnic and a werewolf came in and ripped someone's chest open and then ran back into the woods?

We'd be like, well, look, there's not that many werewolves. And this is where they live. This is their habitat. Let's just keep playing. Yeah. We're going to continue on with the party. We would be guarding the edges of the woods with sticks. We would have sentients.

We would have people out there making sure that they stood guard and watched certain areas. Well, I don't understand. Like in Australia, they do have a big net at the one beach, Bondi Beach. There's a giant net. To keep sharks out? Yeah, but then people are anti-net. People are anti-net.

They're assholes. You're an asshole. But the net can't keep out the sea snakes. You know how many snakes in the ocean can kill you? How many? Lots. Google, how many poisonous snakes are in the ocean? I'll ask my Google later.

Doesn't everything in Australia kill you, though? Australia is like one of the most dangerous places ever. Most poisonous snakes on land, too, in the whole world. But you can't even live in the middle, right? Australia, like you live around the edges, and you get inside the middle and you're fucked. The middle's even worse. My friend lives in the middle. Good night, mate.

Don't be scared. How many poisonous snakes are in the ocean? What does it say? Oh, it didn't understand. Hmm. That's weird. How many poisonous snakes are in the ocean? That bitch is useless. She's done.

You gotta get yourself a fucking regular iPhone. Most venomous sea snakes. Lots. I mean, so the net. Okay, so you kept the sharks out. That's great. But what about everything else? There is one in my pants.

A long snake. Most venomous sea snakes. Western Pacific, Atlantic. The Atlantic, the Caribbean, and the Red Sea have no sea snakes. Even dead specimens found at the beach should not be touched because some species are known to feign death when stranded by the tide. And once dead, even decapitated snakes can still administer a reflex bite. Okay, did you see the copperhead bite its own body two weeks ago? Yeah, after its head was cut off.

You know, my dad used to tell us that when we were kids, and we didn't believe him. Yeah, snakes apparently, their head can work for a long time. Long time, like a day. Say sundown to sundown. Sunup to sundown. Just whatever. It just decides to clamp down on you and inject you with poison. They just try to make sure for sure that you don't

get out of this. They want to get you. They have a bunch of different fail-safe setups so they can get you with that. What's going on here? Jellyfish. I said my friend has one that looks like a tattoo. This is exactly what hers looks like. It almost looks like somebody tattooed her or something like that.

It looks like a brand. That's insane. Look at this. That's all from a jellyfish? Holy crap. That one above it. Go back to that one above it. Holy fuck. Yeah, and it lasts for a long time, like six months to a year. Look at that cut.

That looks like that'd be permanent. What's the Rogan Board member who posted this? AJ Wolf? Al Wolf? Al Wolf in the house. Look at that top one. That's crazy. That looks like somebody lit it on fire.

Yeah. Looks like someone's cooking it over a fire. It looks like plastic. It actually looks pretty badass. That'd be kind of cool. I bet it would not feel good. No. Meanwhile, people are going to do that.

Yeah. Well, I used to be into scarification, and then I found out that really the coolest shit is getting jellyfish. Sea snakes are as dangerous as cobras. Whoa. Whoa. Yep. What the fuck? Yep.

And those are the ones that are in Australia? They're everywhere. Well, they think they originated from a land snake, but they're in the Western Pacific and the Indian Ocean. Warm waters. Oh, God. Yep. So, oh, there's 16 types of sea snake.

57 species of sea snakes. We had Eddie Ift on the podcast. He was telling us how big kangaroos get and that they can kill people. Oh, absolutely. They're huge. Yeah. They'll beat the crap out of you. Yeah, I was like, what?

Yeah. Kangaroo? He said, yeah, they'll gut you. They'll, like, rip your guts out. Yeah. Fucking kangaroo. How many deaths by kangaroo per year? Let's take a wild guess.

I would say they're only really in Australia, right? Ten? I was going to say 17. I'll go with ten. Are we counting kids? Yeah, humans. How many people are killed by kangaroos in Australia each year? And the answer is...

Oh, it's extremely rare. It's very, very rare. Apart from road deaths caused by hitting, swerving to miss kangaroos, the only reliable documented case of a fatality from a kangaroo attack occurred in New South Wales in 1936. Oh, wow.

A hunter was killed when he tried to rescue two dogs from a heated fray with a kangaroo. Huh. That's interesting. There's videos of them going psycho online. A kangaroo getting angry. Yeah. They got golf courses and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

People are also saying the government tries to cover it up. Try to cover up kangaroo deaths. You think they have that? Check out this. That's a snake with its head cut off. Yeah, that's...

Looking to bite. That's insane. That's insane. That's nuts. It's trying to get those people, and its head is chopped off. 24 hours. Well, I guess you could chop off its body in a lot of spots, and it'll still stay alive for a long time. Oh, it will.

And they could... I don't know if it's true, but my dad... Worms do it also. My dad used to tell us... He's called a worm. They could grow back. It's such a primitive animal, a snake. When you see that thing...

They terrify me. They're supposed to be terrifying. You know, like, there was a group that was working hard to conserve the Komodo dragon. They were talking about how important it is to conserve the largest of all lizard species. I'm like,

are you out of your fucking mind? Right. Let it go. Take one of those, shoot it, stuff it, take videos of the rest, and then nuke it from space. Fly above in a jet

and shoot rockets into those cunty lizards. They're fucking terrifying. They have botulism in their saliva. You ever seen how a Komodo dragon kills? No. Oh, Google Komodo dragon kills water buffalo. They just run up, bite them, and then follow them for a few days until they just, from

the toxic saliva, they fall to the ground, and then they start eating them guts first. Where do they live? In China? Komodo Islands. Oh. Something like that. Komodo Dragons. Where do they live?

I think it's Komodo Islands. They're limited to one island. Really? They're not on land? I thought they were like in a... I mean, they're in zoos. Right. There's a thing called island dwarfism,

and it's one of the reasons why they were really concerned that it works on everything, but it doesn't work on everything. It doesn't work on lizards. Elephants are smaller. They have small elephants that are trapped on islands, and people become smaller when they're trapped on islands. And that's also one of the reasons why they believe that the island of Flores had those little tiny hobbit people, those little three foot tall people. I think there's a thing called island dwarfism. But with lizards, it's the exact opposite.

When you put lizards on an island, they get fucking big. It's really weird. Look at this thing. Boom. He just bites the leg. And once he bites its leg, I mean, the toxicity of this cunty lizard saliva, then he just follows him around for a few days until this poor fuck just starts shaking. Like, look at him.

You see him? He's, like, barely getting by. Yeah. And then the kimono dragon is just waiting right there to jack him. Jack him guts first. Well, it's just crazy that there's anything left with the word dragon in it. Yeah.

I mean. It's in a few Indonesian islands. Komodo, Rinca, Flores, Gilmontag, and Padar. Those are the islands where this thing exists. Those are the natural islands. So it's basically. So people live there amongst them. Yeah.

Islands of Indonesia. Some of the islands, no. Some of the islands... So people live there amongst them. Yeah. Islands of Indonesia. Some of the islands, no. Some of the islands are unpopulated, I believe. Oh. But some of them, yeah. I mean, this thing is a scary fucking thing. How do you kill it? Shoot it?

Bullets, normal shit. Bullets, fire, rockets. Wow. There was an incident where Sharon Stone was married to this guy. He was like a reporter or some shit like that. And they went into a cage with Komodo dragons. I remember. Yeah.

He got bit, right? Bit his foot. Saw his foot was a rabbit. He had white socks on. So the Komodo dragon thought his foot was a rabbit. And he got fucked up by this. Did he die? I don't think he died, but I think he was really badly hurt.

He got divorced. Yeah. Well, yeah. Komodo dragon. Let's see. Do you remember those bracelets we were talking about yesterday? The magnetic bracelets. You get a lot of emails. They work, Brian.

Truth of all, you guys are super skeptical, and I think that's bullshit. Not only skeptical, but cynical, and you use your bro science. That's hilarious. Are you talking about the magnets? How about the bear survival bracelet? Oh, those are actually common. You buy those at like...

Little Whistle. All the campground places, REI, places like that. They've been selling those things forever. Not with like a stupid whistle attached to it, but that is probably a good move to have. Like what's the reasoning behind it? If you cut one of those threads, one of those, you can unravel that thing

and you have like several yards of really strong rope, you can unravel that thing and you have several yards of really strong rope that you can use for survival. What am I going to do with that rope? You can carry your weight, you can drag things with it, you can make a pack, you can bundle up some sticks and carry it and you can bring it back to your camp.

You can use it for survival. Use it as a tourniquet. When you would need some rope, you can use that stuff. Oh, I thought it was to help you protect you from bears. That's what I thought. Like what are you going to do? Tire this little rope around the bear's mouth while it's eating your face? No, that wouldn't help.

Unless you were just a gangster with a rope. I would have strangled a bear. Unless you were just really badass with a rope. So yeah, so this thing attacked this dude. His San Francisco Chronicle editor Phil Bronstein, who's married to Sharon Stone. They were being treated to a private tour of the

reptile's cage at the L.A. Zoo. And he didn't have his shoes on. I don't know why. I guess your shoes carry diseases or something. They're worried about the fucking dragon, this cunty monster with saliva. Why would he want to get in the cage anyway? To start with?

Let's take a private tour of the animal's home that's going to kill you. It almost severed off his big toe. The damage was exacerbated by the fact that Bronstein was barefoot at the time. So it wasn't even white socks. Oh, he had removed his white tennis shoes before entering the cage after learning

that the lizard was fed on a diet of white rats and might confuse Bronstein's feats for his next meal. So this stupid bitch took his shoes off and, well, I don't want him to think my sneakers are a fucking rabbit. So instead he'll just eat my real foot. The creature proved more myopic than officials anticipated. Wow. Stone, who watched horrified from outside the cage, later told San Francisco Chronicle that the lizard clamped down

on Bronstein's foot and became thrashing its body to and fro. Fortunately, Bronstein managed to free himself with the aid of an accompanying zookeeper who was able to escape by clambering through the cage's feeding hatch. I would come back with an axe 100%. I'd be like, I don't know, I don't care what you say, I'm coming back with an axe. I'm going to pay off the zookeeper guy,

and I'm going to come in there, and I'm going to hack that motherfucker to death and make a belt out of him. Did the venom get it? Oh, yeah, I mean, I'm sure he had to be treated. He's in satisfactory condition at the time of this thing. Apparently he's alive now. But this was back in 2001.

Oh, my God. Yeah. I wonder if it's like the snake venom where you get paralyzed and, you know, it shuts your whole system down. Like if you got bitten by a copperhead or something like that, that's how it kills you. No, I think it's botulism. I think that's what it is. I think the poison inside is basically just like rotting evil shit

inside this thing's mouth. Just the bacteria that it grows inside of its mouth. Okay, let's find out. That's really disgusting. Yeah, but the idea that people would go way out of their way to make sure these things are still alive. Right. I mean, there's a lot. I mean, it's kind of interesting to see them.

And I do agree that there's an educational aspect to having crocodiles and lizards and things that your kids can see. My kids love going to the zoo and seeing the weird fucking animals that can probably kill you locked up in a cage. But, man, but... But man. I don't know. Infected with so much bacteria that the bites can be deadly and the bacteria spread from dragon to dragon.

Yeah. Pray that escape one dragon often spread poison to the other dragons. Like one dragon will bite it and it'll get all this bacteria in it. And then it'll run away and another dragon will bite it. And that's how they get their bacteria and give it to each other. Wow.

Yeah. Poor dental hygiene is what kills you. You know, the educational aspect of the zoo, you don't need to see a real one to learn about one. Look how much we've learned today. There's no dragon in here, but we're learning. You don't need a real one. They're pretty dope.

I mean, I don't want them here, but if they're on an island somewhere, it's pretty dope that you can go and show up in a boat and videotape these crazy dinosaurs that are still alive. Just a view as to at one point in time when dinosaurs really did own the earth. If you go

to these small islands, these motherfuckers are running shit. They're gigantic, huge, evil lizards. How big do they get? They're huge. I think they get way more than nine feet. They're the biggest lizards. They're not the biggest reptiles. Crocodiles are the biggest reptiles.

But Komodo dragons are the biggest lizards. I mean, they're so nasty, too. Well, that one looked really bad. I want to see a picture of them. They grow to 150 pounds, and they can be 3 meters long. It says 10 feet and weighing up to 150 pounds. Yeah, right here. It says the unusual large size has been attributed to island gigantism. Since no other carnivorous animals fill the niche on the

islands where they live, however, the recent research suggests that the large size of Komodo dragons may be better understood as a representative of the relic population of very large varinid lizards that once lived across Indonesia and Australia,

most of which, along with other megafauna, died out after the Pleistocene. So the Pleistocene, which was... Wow. I'm looking at the pictures. I looked at the face of one. They're nasty. Yeah. Wow.

They're fucking evil. There's a great picture of one with its mouth wide open. You see all its cunty saliva. Oh! Oh, God. See all the juicy poison roaming around in its evil, stinky mouth. Some of them are green and then some of them are brown. You know what's really interesting? I bet someone's fucked one of those things.

You think so? Yeah. If there's an animal, if there's a guy who's fucked it. A local? I don't think there's anything that we haven't fucked. Someone somewhere along the line that's known about these things. I mean, if people have lived on the same planet as these Komodo dragons for a thousand years, for sure one bad motherfucker had to have sex with one.

Yep. And there's the one laying down that I think he had sex with. He probably just shot a load right into a Komodo dragon just to let everybody know. I'm second in charge of this island. Yeah, I'm dominating this island. If you have an animal

that a guy can hold down, someone's fucked it. Somebody's gonna do it. Can you agree? Canaries. Someone's fucked a canary to death. They fuck chickens to death all the time. A lot of people have done that. Super common. Maybe Asians.

Not Asians. Why would you say Asians? Canary birds. Oh, because it's small? Is that your joke? No, they're just cute. I thought you meant the chicken. I'm like, no, it's too valuable. Okay, well here's another one from really recently that says the Komodo's bite isn't infectious at all.

For years, Komodo dragons have been thought to be filthy mouths, to have filthy mouths. It was said that the rotting flesh from past meals would collect in their teeth and gums, which in turn accumulate deadly bacteria. This hypothesis gelled with observations made by herpetologist Walter

Offenberg, who in the 1970s and 80s found even when Komodo dragons failed to bring down massive prey like water buffalo, a bitten buffalo would succumb to sepsis within a matter of days. Thus, researchers believed, suggested that the Komodo had not just a venomous bite, but a septic one. But now, newly published findings reveal that the Komodo dragon's bite is rather ordinary, and in fact no more toxic than in any other carnivore. The findings were made by a team led by venom researcher Brian Fay. That's

interesting. They show that the bacteria present in the Komodo's mouths are surprisingly ordinary, similar to what scientists find in any carnivore, and more importantly, the oral flora doesn't possess the pathogenicity required to kill. As for previous research found about virulent bacteria, the author notes that those species were identified without the advantage of molecular methods. Of the 54

that previous research claimed to be potentially pathogenic. 33 are actually common microbes and unlikely to be the cause of the rapid fatal infection when present in a wound. Huh, that's interesting. So what the fuck is... How is it killing people? I don't know. It says you have to visit Discover to find out. Okay, so I visit Discover. What the fuck?

Let me get to the end here. Figure it out. Tell me what's up. They have venom monitor lizards the stake was venomous still many reluctant komodo dragon mri is this steve arvin crazy asshole that guy was so he was running away from it though he was crawling around with him earlier in the video around with them earlier in the video well they're saying that some of them it's from the bleeding the reason buffaloes get away from Komodos aren't naturally quick I take down such large

beasts smelling his foot oh god it's getting right up to him yeah he just smelled his foot he's fucking crazy he lets those things get that close to him? Yeah, yeah. Or he did let those things get that close to him. Boy, that guy danced with the devil for a long time before he got got. Yep. A fight broke out right in front of him. Two young miles!

They're teenagers. They're not adults. They're having a standoff, and then they go chest to chest. Very powerful animal. Sounds so South Park-y now. Yeah. So they do have venom. Yeah.

Okay, don't worry. You won't die of sepsis from a Komodo bite. You just die when the gigantic lizard with the inch-long serrated teeth dripping with hemorrhagic venom tears your flesh into shreds. Oh, it's hemorrhagic venom? The strange interaction between a novel meal option, notorious beast, confused early investigators. If a water buffalo had never been introduced onto the island,

then this enhancing fairy tale would have never come into existence. Check this picture out. Deep lacerations. Is that his kid? No, I don't know who's kid this is. Okay, so what they're saying is that it just, the environment in which these animals live, anytime there's any sort of a deep laceration, the environment is so filled with life and bacteria and jungle. It's just going to infect you.

Infections are just what happens. The buffalo wallow in stagnant, warm, water-filled holes with their open feces. These sewage-filled holes, says Fry, are breeding cesspits of pathogenic bacteria.

When the water buffalo go stand in the toxic water with gaping wounds, that they get infected. And it's really been that simple all along, they're saying. It's previous research. Okay, so now they know. So it's not saliva. It's not poison at all. It's just a bite.

And anything that goes in that water with a big open sore is just going to fucking die in a couple of days. That makes sense. Oof. So they're really good at killing pigs and deer. That's their natural prey size. So the water buffalo are a lot larger. So that's why they can't really take them out. They just bite them and cut them open

and then eventually... So we learned something today. Yeah, we did. Do you feel better about Komodo dragons? No. I don't either. No. Fucking hate those things.

I would like to be, like you said, in a boat that was not on shore. I'd like to be under the sea. And looking at it, but yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of things out there that can

fuck you up. That's why we made cities. Exactly. Just get in your car. That's why we have a house. Go in it. Keep it together, bitch. Yeah.

Don't be bringing pythons in your fucking neighborhood and letting them loose in your yard. No. Florida. Exactly.

Well, it's Florida. Did you hear about the herpes-infected monkeys in Florida? I did. Did you hear? Yeah, I read it. A thousand of them.

There's a thousand. A growing breeding population of a thousand herpes-infected monkeys. All of this living with old people who don't even know what's happening. Not only that, all this capable... Those are like a different kind of herpes. It's a herpes that kills people. It's not like you get a bump on you and you got to go take some medication. No, this herpes, like, fucks your neural system up.

Like, you're done. This is herpes B. It's monkey herpes. I'm not even clear on why there's wild monkeys in Florida. Apparently they were brought in as part of, like, a Tarzan show that they put on. Seriously? Yeah. And then they, you know, just too fucking complicated.

People in Florida, they get rid of their kids, they send them to the jungle. Everybody goes to the swamp. Snakes, everything. Whatever you got, just let it loose in the swamp. See what happens.

And these monkeys just started breeding. And that was a thousand of them. A thousand rhesus monkeys with herps. Rhesus monkeys. Herps that kill. I mean, it's basically

the opening scene to 28 Days Later. You know, that zombie movie Where the monkey gets the rage And then they run around Biting people Well the rhesus ones Are so small too

And they're fast They're quick as shit That's the problem And what are they eating They must be eating something Oh anything in the swamp Yeah There's enough to eat

A thousand of them Herpes infected monkeys Florida is so strange It's like another planet It really is a thousand of them. Herpes-infected monkeys. Florida is so strange. It's like another planet. It really is. It's amazing, though, for comedians. It's like one of the greatest resources ever.

Mountain lions, panthers, pythons, keep going, alligators. Have you ever read Florida? How about the people? Forget about all the animals. That drive, if you go across the state, what do they call it? Alligator Alley from West Palm to Tampa. Uh-huh.

America's finest. Yeah. It's a creepy spot. Well, it's so transient. That's why in like so many criminals, and then you get the people who go, I don't want to pay no state tax. And they all run to Florida. So you've got that group.

You've got my parents and their friends. Why don't they just go to Washington State? Seattle has no state tax either. They don't know where Seattle is? Are you crazy? That's too far. I don't even talk Canadian. They don't even have bass tournaments. They don't know. Yeah, they have a

contest to kill pythons and you win money. Yeah. And they didn't kill any. At all. They sent a bunch of people and they couldn't get any. None? It wasn't enough money either. It's like a thousand bucks. Really? That's not enough money? Oh, to win. You only win a thousand bucks? Yeah, but you have to

kill a python. How do you... I think somebody won. I saw pictures of it. You think a guy won? Probably went to a pet store and fucking beat something to death with a hammer. Maybe for a grand I would do that. Pay $400? They probably can't sell them anymore, right?

Isn't that what happens? No, they kill them. $1,500 is what you get. Per Python. If you win. I mean, if they had $1,500 per Python, this is just bragging rights. The 2013 Python Challenge will kick off this January.

Yeah. Maybe they have another one this year. This is just... Oh, okay. They did turn in... 68. They found 68. They turned in 68 of them, yeah.

There's more than a million acres of swamps and sawgrass, and they found 68 of these fucking pythons. Well, they're hard to find. I know, but isn't that amazing? They found 68? That's what I'm saying. I knew it was a lot. To me, that's a lot. That if you're...

How many of them are out there? Fucking shitheads. I got a picture on here of this guy holding one. Look how long it is. Oh, they're disgusting. Yeah. He's holding it by the tail. Yeah. It's enormous. They found

18, 19 feeders. Footers there. And they bite. I don't think they're poisonous, but they bite. They'll fuck you up. Yeah. They grab ahold of you and they constrict you. They've killed kids. Right. They're really dangerous. I know they're constrictors, but they also bite. I think people think, oh, it's a constrictor.

It won't bite then. Still bites. Of course. Just no venom. Right. Yeah, it doesn't have venom, but it doesn't need it. Right. It's a gigantic crushing vice.

Right. That just squeeze the life out of you. And they also time your breath. And they wait. They know when you breathe out, That's when they clamp down. So now you can't breathe in. That's how they keep getting further and further. They constrict your cage. That's why I don't understand why is it okay to have

them in your home. And I'll probably get hate mail for that. People are fucking crazy. That's why. I think it's crazy. That's the largest snake. It was a 50 foot long 43 foot long. Yeah, the size of a bus. Oh, that's a Titan boa, right? That's what they call it?

A Titanoboa? Yeah. Where does that live? It doesn't live anymore. Allegedly. Oh. But they have anacondas that they think... People have sighted anacondas that are 90 feet long. Shut up.

Yeah. I have an anaconda wallet. See that? Used to be a snake. Now it can go fuck itself. Really? Yeah. I'm not really into snakes.

I hate them. The freakiest thing of all snake things to me is that a king cobra can stand up half its body length. Yeah. So if we were in an Indian rice field, a cobra could come up, and cobras can grow up to be like 18 feet. It could be 9 feet tall. You could come upon, and he's only half up. I mean, seriously, how could anybody? Cobras are so dope looking too.

What a crazy body, that whole fan thing that it does. Wow. Giant anaconda in Wikipedia. Oh my god. 150 feet. What? Listen to this. Reports of giant anacondas date back as far as the discovery of South America when sightings of anacondas upwards of 50 meters began to circulate amongst colonists.

And the topic has been the subject of debate ever since among cryptozoologists and zoologists. Anacondas can grow to 20 feet and beyond and 330 pounds plus in weight, although some python species can grow larger. An anaconda, particularly a green or common anaconda, is the heaviest. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The largest, longest reputably measured and confirmed anaconda is the heaviest. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The largest, longest, reputably measured and confirmed anaconda are 25 feet long. And length between 50 and 60 feet have been reported for this specimen. But such extremes lacked verification. The only reliable claims that can be found describe measured anacondas ranging to 39 feet. Fucking A, man. 150 fucking feet. If that's true, that's like, I mean, literally, that's like the size of a car. How wide is that goddamn thing?

If it's 150 feet long? As wide as this table. Fucking A. That was that awesomely bad movie with Jon Voight and Jennifer Lopez. Every scene Jennifer Lopez had to tie her shoes. She just had to bend over and stick her ass up in the air.

That counts. Giant, huge, house-sized snakes dropping down and fucking up people. And Jon Voight has the worst Brazilian accent of all time. Jon Voight's a great actor but boy does he suck at playing a Brazilian he's really good

in um what you call it uh Ray Donovan oh is he really yeah he's great you watch that Showtime

you're a Showtime fan Showtime person yeah Dexter Homeland Ray Donovan yeah he plays an old Ray Donovan's good yeah he plays

oh you'd love it really yeah I'd love fucking Homeland is it as good as Homeland better shut your fucking mouth. Is it as good as Homeland? Better. Shut your fucking mouth,

Captain Anakin. Not as, it's not as intense. What's it better? Because it has flowers? Is it puppies? No, it's better because it's fucked up Irish violence. There's no terrorism and stuff.

This is just one guy out here. You're going to wish you had him in your life. I've already thought a hundred times, wish I had Ray Donovan I could call right now. He solves your problems. Really? Yeah.

You wish you had someone like that in your life? Yeah. Do you remember that guy who got arrested who was like a famous detective out here who was actually that kind of a guy? All the Hollywood elite would use this guy and he would stalk people. That's probably what they modeled this after. Beat people up. Yeah, yeah. He beats people up a lot.

Yeah. I bet those guys exist. I bet you just got to be in the music business. In the comedy business, we don't have access to those guys. We're too loose-lipped. We would be like, I got a fixer. We would write jokes about it. You know, I have a stalker.

I had too many beers at the bar and I told everybody about the guy. Shit, I told everybody about my fixer. The guy you're not supposed to tell anybody about. Yeah, you're not supposed to tell what that guy actually does. Well, it was just Eddie the bartender. I don't know, maybe he told other people. Kathleen Madigan, you're a fucking hilarious comedian. Thank you.

When is your special coming out? It's out. It's on Netflix. Right now it's out? Exclusively for 90 days. How dare you? Yeah. Without warning.

Just release it onto the public. I did it. What's it called? Knock it out. Madigan again. Madigan you? Yeah. Without warning. Just release it onto the public. I did it. What's it called? I snuck it out. Madigan again. Madigan again. Madigan again. Two words.

Madigan again. I'm tired of thinking of titles. That's a good way. I'm tired. That way people can't. So you know what it is? It's again.

Madigan again. And it's on Netflix right now. Yeah. So is Bill Burr's. A lot of people put, I have one from 2005 on there.

A lot of people have specials on Netflix now. It's good players. It's all the rage. All the rage. All the kids are doing it. Thanks for doing this. We do it again? Yeah. Can we do it again sometime? Yeah. Awesome. Beautiful. Alright, and follow Kathleen on... Twitter. On Twitter. Kathleen Madigan. I love Twitter.

On Twitter. You can get it. I tweeted it today, so if you can't spell Kathleen or Madigan, see, it's not hard. K-A-T-H-L-E-E-N M-A-D-I-G-A-N It's not Madigan with an H. One of those fucking fruity Madigans. No, it's old school.

Madigan. The H is fairly silent. So follow her, please, on Twitter and may the force be with you. And no dragons. And thanks to Stamps.com for sponsoring this podcast. Go to Stamps.com, use the code word JRE,

and then go fuck yourself. No, don't do that. Just use the code word and save some money. And also Onnit.com, use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements. What are you going to say, Brian? Stand Up Live next Thursday. Me and Tony Henchcliffe are going to be there.

Please go to standuplive.com. It's going to be a good show. That's a good way to say it. Yeah, don't say anything nutty. It's going to be a good show. Go see the good show. Next weekend, I'll be at the Comedy Magic Club on the 27th and the 28th. And then the following week, I will be at the Ontario Improv with Tom Segura for two days and then Tony Hinchcliffe on Sunday. So, and we'll see you guys.

It's me, Tom Segura, and Brian Callen tomorrow. People of Toronto. Fine people of Toronto. We're at the Sony Center. And then we're probably going to do some other shit around town too. And then there's a UFC this weekend. Powerful dream life. Alright, we'll see you freaks soon. Thank you everybody. Thanks for all the love.

And much happiness to everybody out there. See you soon. Bye. Thank you.