The Joe Rogan Experience - #406 - Tom Segura, Christina Pazsitzky

Episode Date: October 21, 2013

Tom Segura and Christina Pazsitzky are married, stand-up comedians, and together they also host a podcast called "Your Mom's House" available on Spotify.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. All day. Booyah. Booyah. Tom motherfuckin' Segura, Christina motherfuckin' Puzzle Train. And December 31st, there's a big Death Squad show at the American Comedy Company. Oh, snap.

In San Diego, California. And I know of at least one person who you can't even say his name, he's going to be there because he's not contractually allowed to, but he's fucking hilarious. So that's at least one that you know. We can't even tell you who's on this fucking show is what we're trying to say. It's some top secret shit. It's Halloween. There might be zombies.

I got my Halloween outfit also. Bad ass. What are you going to be, Brian? A man. My hat is a tip. I'm sorry. My also. Bad ass. What are you going to be, Brian Bryant? A man. My hat is a tip. I'm sorry. My hat is a tip. I know what you're going to be.

I know exactly what you're going to be. Your hat is a tip. Can I guess? You're a dickhead? You're going to be a dolphin vagina. Yeah. It's a dolphin with pubic hair. This is a mess.

In this right now. In this path of thinking and communication. Stop. Oh, Brian. What I was going to say is that you guys, when we were talking in the commercials, you guys are the only comedian couple that I know where it actually works. That's why I hate generalizations.

I hate generalizations. They drive me nuts. Because when someone says, well, all these men are angry this, or all these women are angry that or this is that. Comedians, they can never get along together. It just doesn't work. Two creative people,

two people that think they're funny together, it's not going to work. It never does. It's always like either the girl's funnier than the guy or the guy's funnier than the girl and there's always this weird fucking resentment thing. You guys are the only ones that i know to actually pull it off i know where you're both funny and you actually are like you're really best

friends we are on top of being married like for like you have this air of it's very different than the air of most couples you know you think so much different much different i think we enjoy each other like we enjoy each other's sense of humor. Legit, yeah. And I think he's super talented and amazing. That's the weird thing about it. You guys both actually like each other. We do. It doesn't make any sense.

We support each other. I'm trying to figure it out. I'm studying you guys for years. I'm like, there's something wrong here. It is funny. I didn't realize it. And then a guy who's married to a comic, or was, I don't know anymore, because I haven't seen him in a while, but he was like,

hey, man, he saw me at an audition. He's like, you get pissed when Christina gets something and you don't get it? That's the best. That's super healthy, yeah. I don't. That's super healthy. He goes, that's my problem, man. I get super pissed when my wife gets something.

I was like, wow. Yeah, that's not cool. That's not good. my wife gets something i was like wow that's not good you need to go to a doctor word but that's a natural reaction with a lot of people that have never thought about their thinking like a lot of people's thinking just operates on momentum and you know you might say oh that guy's an asshole and they might be an asshole in all respects because of the way they behave but it's the past that get you on a thinking like that that are the real problem right it's like a lot of people when they do asshole shit while they're doing the asshole shit They're barely even aware that they're doing it right just

You know they have something wrong with them whatever it is emotionally whatever is an imbalance and it just comes out like that But a lot of it is just like how do you how'd you get to that? Like how do you think about things like What is your choice that you make? When someone, if you feel guilt or you feel rather, I'm not guilt, I was jealousy. If you feel jealousy because your spouse got something, if you feel that, you should repel that. You should figure out what the fuck is wrong with that. Absolutely. And go, no, no, no.

This should be inspiring. This should be wonderful. this should be inspiring this should be wonderful this should be fantastic like you whatever it is that's trying to flare up its ugly green head you've got to learn how to suppress that some people never do or explore why the feeling is yes because usually when you're jealous of something someone else is doing it's because you want that thing and maybe you're not doing what you need to be doing absolutely that's really what that absolutely there's a lot of that for sure, but I think there's a few elements. I think there's also just a natural competitive element

that a lot of people have to fight off that they don't realize this person is not your enemy just because this person is winning. This person is not your enemy because they're ahead of you in this race. That's just inspiration. That's just a person. If you decide to create a gang of enemies for everybody, you can do it.

Yeah, you totally can. Or you can have a gang of friends and just inspire each other. That's totally possible as well with the same group of people if everybody gets their shit together. Yeah, we were just talking about kind of the atmosphere that you fostered by being supportive of other comedians. And that's actually very rare. I don't think a lot of people are secure enough to do that. But it's also indicative of what we were talking about. It's indicative of truly successful people

try to make other people, inspire other people to be successful. Because they're not afraid of bringing people along and trying to encourage their success. Well, a lot of people are afraid of losing their gig. A lot of people are afraid of someone bumping them out. But I've got a lot of gigs. I just keep doing different shit. And if I didn't do any of these things, I'll find something else to do. There's a lot of shit out there to do, man.

If you get tripped up on what other people are doing, you're missing out on your own life. Yeah, definitely. You've got to look at everybody who's doing something awesome and go fuck yeah that's what you got to do you got to go that can help me i see this motherfucker out there humping when i find out about a guy like like who's like a really hard worker like a daniel tosh who's like you know daniel tosh is like a super hard worker yeah Yeah. You know, I put it, like, he and I had this conversation because he got accused of being a lazy writer. During that whole heckler thing, someone called him lazy because of that whole, you know, that whole heckler thing where some woman yelled out, rape is never funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes, wouldn't it be funny if five guys raped her right now? Yeah, yeah.

Which was very funny. Very rude. But I described that on stage. I i'm like that's actually the move that's actually what you would do like if you're a black belt in comedy yeah it's the equivalent to the counter to the over committed kimura the far side arm bar like if you're doing jujitsu and a guy tries to commit to a kimura but he doesn't have control of his body you spin around you take the far side arm bar it's a standard move if you know jujitsu. It's the black belt move. This is the black belt move

in a comedy club. If someone says rape is never funny, like, oh God, you sanctimonious, self-righteous fuckhead. Is it? I didn't know.

I thought it was hilarious. I thought it was, yeah. How stupid are you? You're making a statement that's so ridiculous. Of course it's never funny. But it's funny right there. Right.

Because he just made it funny. Of course. It's not the actual rape, but the use of the of the word sure then he got accused of being lazy that fucking guy is the least lazy person i know he humps it when i go to he doesn't go there as much anymore but for a long time every time i would go to hermosa beach yeah he used to live really close to the club he would come in and i'm saying like if I did five spots in a row there, he would have

fucking five pages of notes and try new jokes every single set. Yeah, he's always working, man. Anybody who called that guy is a little, but my point was that

I see a guy like that and I get totally fired up to work. Yeah. I get fired up to create, like when I see someone have a new set, like if a new guy

comes in town, like Chappelle used to come to the store all the time and he'd come and he'd watch him do like an hour and just, God, I want to go right. You know, I just immediately want to go right. And that's a super important thing for artists. You know, you can really waste a lot of energy on that jealousy thing.

It's super easy to do. And here's the thing though it doesn't just waste time it doesn't just waste thinking because it takes away from that time and that thinking from really good shit you could have been doing you could have been busting your ass writing new jokes yeah you could have been thinking about how to improve yourself you could have been reading a book on you know on accepting a new empowering philosophy in your life. You could have been doing so many different things instead of tripping out about somebody else. But you see it all the time.

All the time. It's so – it's essentially – it's like when people are writing these really critical blogs. Oh, that one makes me bananas. Yeah. They're essentially doing the same thing. Yeah, they're essentially doing the same thing. Yeah. They're essentially doing the same thing. Because nobody is writing, like, these super hypercritical blogs.

Nobody knows people are happy, knows people are successful. No. They're like these weird, in this weird limbo. I shouldn't say none of them. I said I hate generalizations, and I made one. No, it's okay. I'm a hypocrite. Well, it's kind of like, it's a little bit of that, too, exists in, like.

Disproportionate criticism. Yeah. it's a little bit of that too exists in like disproportionate criticism yeah but like almost like to go out of your way to like you know tag a YouTube video as you know how much you hate it you're like it's really not about that video you know it's about other things oh sometimes it is though well yeah sometimes it's about that video

sometimes it is but sometimes it's not sometimes it's not the sheer volume of shit that's on the internet. Did you lose your power? Yeah. Sound? Disconnect?

There we go. There we go. The sheer volume of shit that's on the internet now. I've been writing this bit, or been doing this bit on stage lately about the evolution of porn from when I was a child. of porn from when I was a child but it's just I'm I it's hard for me to stop and think about a time where nothing came to you from the Internet but I live I grew up in that time right that was how I grew up and yeah most of my life and so now when I look at it it's it's just become this normal part of my everyday

existence but for kids I can't imagine growing up with it it's so it's such a different world the amount of information they get and actually let's go back to this pornography thing because we were just talking about that um like the stuff that i saw first like from the 80s yeah like ron jeremy i grew up on ron jeremy full bush like it was always playful scenarios. Like, there's a forklift. Let's hump on it. And now I feel like it's so aggressive.

And it doesn't feel consensual and fun as it did in the 70s and 80s. Well, there's still some consensual stuff. But the problem is the aggressive stuff is really popular. Sells really well. It's not the most popular thing. But it's just so shocking that you focus on it. I guess. Like you find it and you go, Jesus Christ. It sells really well. just balls deep in her face. Like throat fucking. Throat fucking. And she's like telling him how much his ball stinks and asking him if he ever washes his fucking balls. And then she spits on his dick and just bleh.

It's like, God damn. That's a totally different thing than one of those 1980s Ron Jeremy, you know, softer era porn. It sounds like just good filmmaking right there. Yeah, I mean, those people back then were fucking, yeah, they were having sex and everything. It was all that. But there's such a difference between that and, like, this thing they're doing now.

Every guy is on, like, 15 pills of Viagra. Their dicks are crowbars. I mean, their dicks never go limp. And they just stick it everywhere. And your fucking mouth and your fuckingbars. I mean, their dicks never go limp and they just stick it everywhere. Never soft. And your fucking mouth. That's what I'm saying. And it felt like the Nina Hartleys

back then. Those women were like, I love sex. I'm pro-sex. And let's make these movies. What do you think that is? Why is it like that? What was it like or what is it now? Why did that become a genre? Like when it didn't exist initially, why is it a genre now?

The aggression thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's a part of humanity that needs to be expressed. And now it is. And it's, like you said, there's a bit of a taboo attached maybe. I don't know. And that draws eyeballs. A lot of it, right?

It does. I did a joke about it on my Thrilled CD about 80s porn. And then a porn star heard it and wrote to me from the 80s. And she was like, yeah, when we did porn back then, it was like we were like a fam. Not, you know, incestuous. But like it was like we all did it. And, you know, you were buddies with like the sound guy. Like almost like what's

that fucking movie um the dirt diggler boogie nights like everybody knew each other and it was like you knew that camp real well and i think it was probably a lot a lot fewer people doing it because there's no you know you released a film at that point you know like yeah and then now it's like hold up your you know handheld camera they And then now it's like, hold up your, you know, handheld camera. Yeah. They shoot fucking thousand scenes a day

and everybody knows you can put it online and you have, you gotta tap into a market, right? Right. So there's different genres and it's all about just creating as much content

as possible and hitting every realm of sexuality that you can't even imagine. There's not even porn stars anymore. Like, back in the day, everyone had their porn stars, like their Jenna James and stuff.

Nowadays, there's so many girls doing it because of cam sites and stuff like that that it seems like it's just diluted the whole entire waters of... And the tube sites have been crushing that business, from what I understand. Well, it's funny because that business is a legit business.

It was making billions of dollars a year it was totally legal and yet when the economy collapsed and the internet came along and sucked porn dry like you know literally like porn's dead like as far as like the the amount of money those guys used to make producing it i mean they used to sell dvds the d DVDs would sell a lot. And like $50 DVDs, right? It was like expensive. Yeah, that business still exists to a certain extent, but a lot of it is evaporated.

And because it's evaporated, the business has been hit hard, but nobody ever thinks about bailing out the porn business. That is the last thing the government would ever do. I mean mean if you think about like you're trying to protect the economy and different businesses are, you know, critical to the economy Yes. Porn might be critical to the economy. To Americans, definitely. Definitely. Definitely. But why the multiple dick thing? Why? Like I... I'm with it to a point.

Yeah, like the aggression and maybe it has something to do about are we repressing aggression in society? And is that why it's coming out in pornography? Well, we definitely are doing that, especially if people don't exercise. There you go. We're definitely doing that because we're moving towards an era where it won't be necessary anymore, where aggression won't be necessary anymore. I really believe that. I think that that's ultimately what's, the reason why people are avoiding, they're a bore of violence

and why they hate all the evil aspects of life, like war. The reason why all that is because I think the human mind as a whole recognizes that it's operating on some really old ideas that it doesn't need to do anymore. And eventually we're going to move

towards a point where there's some sort of complete consolidation of the human race as far as our ability to communicate with each other. I hope so. And our ability to, I think we're moving towards this time of not doing all that stuff. I think it's pretty clear. I know. Can I tell you, though? I mean, have you done the Middle East?

No. No, I'm not going over there. I know. See? And you, though? I mean, have you have you done the Middle East? No, no, not going over there. I know. See, and that reaction is right. Yeah, because I've been there like two times. And I part of me goes, I hope I sure hope the human race gets it together and we can communicate. And then you go, some cultures are so incompatible with our Western way of being. Yeah. Like, will we ever be able to? I think the Internet's going to open all that shit up. I really do. I think it's

only a matter of time. I think you can't hold it back for more than a generation or two. I think eventually it's just going to overwhelm it. Right. The places that it's being kind of repressed now will eventually, you can't stop it. Well, you know what you're not going to be able to stop? The death of religion. Never. You're not going to

stop it. That is a fundamental human need to want something bigger than yourself, to fear death is a fundamental human need uh to want something bigger than yourself to fear death so much that you need that yeah i was actually saying no you're not going to stop the the death of religion that it won't exist in the future oh right right right don't right right right you don't agree with it well i think it's always going to be i don't know if humans will the thing is is that humans are fundamentally afraid of they're afraid of dying right there's the death drive and the sex drive as freud said yeah and i think that humans are so afraid of of the unknown of the part we don't know and then that's a great comfort and it's existed since we've existed

yeah it'll always exist god but i think that's just the sense of wonder and also the the the knowledge that we're finite you know that freaks us out. That's terrifying. So in a sense, I agree with you, and definitely the sense that people replace it. So if it's not going to be God, then it's going to be like spirituality and yoga. Yeah, that's what I am. That's where I'm at. I'm going to find my center. I just feel the oneness of the universe. Or if you've done mushrooms, you go, oh, okay.

Yes. Okay, this might get real weird. Yeah, because I think that New Age Oprah stuff is replacing traditional religion. It would be all replaced by mushrooms if they were legal. Yeah. All those dummies would be out of business. Deepak Chopra, out of business. Just from trembling.

All of them. Fuck yeah. The philosophy of the world would change. We were talking about- Legal, rather? I think you get a totally different perspective on religion when you live in an era where a new religion finds great success. Yeah. You get to see, like, seeing Scientology, you know, I wasn't there for, like, the actual inception of it, but, like, seeing how it has progressed and grown and seeing everybody's views towards it.

You have to imagine that there's a lot of parallels for how ever you view that and if you go back 2,000 years and seeing Christianity evolve. Absolutely. It's got to be very similar. Absolutely, except the distribution of information is much freer. It's much freer, yeah. Back then it was much more secretive, and when Constantine and all those bishops got together and created the New Testament, they got to decide.

People got to decide what stays in, what goes out. Yeah. It's so crazy. They got to decide what they put in it's just, come on but it makes you want you hear a lot of people obviously be hypercritical

of Scientology and you go this is absurd they criticize everything about it and you go well, if you go back how is your thing more valuable? the Catholic Church was tithing people as well. You're talking about angels and saints and immaculate conception. Well, you're like, yeah, but we've been doing that for a couple thousand years.

Yeah, that's true. That's the only argument is that it's way older. There's a new scholar that claims, or a new published work by the scholar that claims that Jesus was a creation and that the Romans made him up as a hoax. What? Yeah. He's the author of a book entitled Caesar's Messiah, the Roman Conspiracy to Invent Jesus. It asserts that Christianity did not begin as a religion but was actually a sophisticated

government propaganda exercise used to pacify subjects of the Roman Empire. His take on Jesus is not new, apparently. In 1844, Karl Marx famously declared religion as the opiate of the masses. History is filled with skeptics, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's based on what he described as an important revealing parallels between a first-person account of first-century Judea, which was an ancient Roman province now a part of Israel and Palestine,

and the New Testament. Sequence of events locations in Jesus' ministry are more or less the same as the sequence of events and locations of the military campaign of Emperor Titus Flavius, as described by Josephus. Josephus? Atwill wrote in a blog on his website. Isn't it cool that they described by Josephus. Atwill wrote in a

blog on his website. Isn't it cool that they were like Josephus? That would have been your name. That would have been my name. Or it would be your name if you live in like Virginia. This is Josephus. Josephus makes the moonshine. There's moonshine you can buy at the store, but that's bullshit.

You want to get it from Josephus. We got to use Hickory Wood. If you don't use Hickory Wood, you ain't making good moonshine. I like a little peach sometimes, a little peach wood, a peach of hard wood. A peach of hard wood. Tickling popcorn and Josephus will get you what you need.

He'll tickle us his own show now. But it makes sense what you're saying. When you see something like Scientology in our lifetime, where you know, oh, it's L. Ron Hubbard. That guy lived. There's photos of him. There he is. That's the guy.

And then you read the other shit that he wrote and you go, hold on a minute. Hold on a minute. There's way, no way. You mean like anyone can start one of these? I got a Dianetics book in the mail. I ordered it because when I first moved to California, I was, you know, watching TV late at night. Yeah. You know, like first time living out here and I didn't know anybody.

So I spent a lot of time watching TV and there was an ad for Dianetics. I'm like, damn, I'm going to get some Dianetics and prove my fucking life. I didn't know Dianetics was Scientology. So, you know, I buy the book. It comes to my house and I leaf through it a little bit. It seems interesting ideas they have. And these motherfuckers never stopped trying to get me to join. Really?

They send you these things in the mail. They would send you these things in the mail constantly, like some new thing and some new offer and come down here and get a personality test. They're very diligent. Relentless. They're very diligent. And someone who, this is 94, someone who would buy one of those books because trying to get your shit together.

Those are the type of people that you would really want to target. If you want to have a nice group of people that you can control. No kidding. The vulnerable when you're at your lowest, right? I was in San Diego filming a show and there was

right by where we were filming, there was one of those personality tests, stress test and an e-meter. I went over there and I took it. The guy sat down. It was interesting because I got a nice read from him. The guy was in his 50s. He had no idea who the fuck I was.

Yeah. So it was perfect. Yeah. So I sat down with the guy. You know, there wasn't any weirdness. You know, like, hey, is Fear Factor coming back? Yeah. That shit.

It was just some old dude who had no idea. What do you do? And I forgot what I told him. I don't think I told him the truth. Yeah. Or I told him a version of the truth. Mm-hmm. So I'm holding these things.

He's asking me questions about, like, my childhood. Like, did you ever have a cat that died? Like, shit like that. So I'm holding these things. He's asking me questions about like my childhood. Like, did you ever have a cat that died? Like shit like that. And I'm like, this is hilarious. And I'm like, what happens? These tubes are telling you what? What are they telling you? There's like a reading that goes through these cans.

You hold them on the cans. They're like coffee cans. And he's on the other end of them? There's a wire. It's attached to a machine. It's supposed to read your stress. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah, and from that, they can sort of give an assessment of, you know, and they prescribe

Scientology. Yeah, because aren't they called, like, engrams or something where you're scarred from certain moments of your life, and then they go back and try to undo the scarring. Yes. He told you what was wrong with you, though? Yeah, what was wrong with you?

It was pretty normally said. So I could use Scientology, though. the scarring. Yes. Yeah. He told you what was wrong with you though? Was he like, here's what you need. What was wrong with you? Um, it's pretty normally said. Oh, so I could use Scientology though. Yeah, of course. You can always use it. Well,

you know, I think the deal with like Scientology or anything where a lot of successful people are a part of it though, like John Travolta and Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise, especially is very ultra successful movie star and obviously a very driven guy. So you see him being a part of something like that and you go, oh, well, this is obviously doing this guy like a lot of good. He's super confident and he's like really positive and radiant with his smile. And you're like, well, if it works for this guy.

He's so fired up. Yeah. I mean, if it works for him, like it's not so bad. Because you don't see any Mormons that are super ultra pumped to be a fucking Mormon. They keep that shit kind of on the DL. Nobody's excited to be Mormon. It's sketchy.

You know that when Fuckhead was running for president, when Romney was running for president, and it came out that not was he just Mormon, but he was from a sect that broke away from the United states because they wanted polygamy so they set up a compound in mexico everybody's like dude that's a wrap yeah that you take care oh 40 and then 47 percent comment too all right people that are not going to vote for him anyway that's awesome yeah those two things were big that you can't, your dad was born in Mexico.

His dad was born in Mexico. That's why his dad could never be president. That's why he was running for president. He was born in America. His dad is a Mexican, like from Mexico because of Mormonism. Because they all moved down to Mexico. They denounced U.S. citizenship. Wow.

So they could fucking set up a compound where they could just ball. They just wanted eight, nine wives. They wanted to not be locked up for it. So un-American. Can I tell you, I love that show. Have you ever seen it? I don't watch it frequently. What is this?

The Mormon show. All the wives. Sister wives. Oh, the HBO show. I don't think it's on anymore. No. You're talking about a reality show? It's on like TLC, yeah.

Oh, it's a reality show. I don't know if you've seen The Wives, but my favorite part of the show is that you know this guy was like, this is going to be awesome. I'm going to get five hot-ass chicks. We're going to be doing orgies. And they're all so fat and out of shape. Of course. Sister pigs.

No competition. Yeah, they're the pigs. And it's so great because it's totally the opposite of what he wanted because they pump out kids every year. And, of course. How do you know that's what he wanted I imagine because you know why because he gets a younger

a hotter model like every five years they allow him to get like a 20 song and then she balloons over the course so they start pretty good looking

those other girls are probably poisoning while she sleeps for sure they want to keep her fat for sure yeah right I think Vice

did at least on their YouTube channel, I think they did a profile on Romney's Mexican past. Yeah. Oh, they definitely did. Yeah. Because Shane Smith came on the show and told us about it. It was pretty awesome.

What they did was awesome. Yeah. Well, they're badass. Yeah, they're badass. Vice is a gangster. They go everywhere. They're what the journalism world has been needing for a long time. For a long time, yeah.

And they get a lot of heat. They get a lot of heat from the New York Times. They get a lot of heat from legit journalists that somehow or another didn't think that their work was up to standard. Look, you guys are being silly bitches. They had introduced a lot of people to a lot of really crazy shit that maybe they wouldn't have known about, and they cover everything. They're informing them. The garbage patch in the middle of the Pacific, to what's going on in North Korea.

I mean, they went to North Korea and fucking hung out with everybody and ate dinner, and they were traveling around in North Korea filming these things. I remember. It was awesome. North Korea was awesome. They give zero fucks. That Shane Smith is a bad motherfucker. He goes to Africa and hangs out with the cannibals.

He's hanging out with the Liberian cannibals. The guy's talking to him about eating babies, how he's killed the innocent children of the enemy and eats their heart and drink their blood because it makes them invincible. General Buck Naked. This guy used to fight naked. They called him General Buck Naked.

He's killed thousands of people, and he got away with it because he became a Christian. So when he became a Christian, they absolved him of his crimes. Wow. Lucky, yeah. Yeah, they absolved him of his crimes. Wow. Lucky, yeah. Yeah, fascinating. You need how that works.

Vice was right there, man. Right there covered that. Fascinating shit. They were in North Korea. They did an awesome profile of North Korea before Kim Jong-il died. Yeah. And seeing how they got in and the reality like being in the capital city in Pyongyang and like the way the hotel, like everybody was like basically you felt like they were just being watched. They were being spied on by everybody.

And what they were like, you know, they brought them the food. And he said that, you know, I mean, like to like lay out the red carpet for them. But it was basically all unedible. I think he said like It wasn't good stuff. And then they took everything away. Nobody else was eating. Well, there's no one else in the restaurant. No one else there, yeah.

They pretended it was a restaurant, but it wasn't a restaurant. They just set it up. They set up where they were going to cook for them and made it look like a restaurant. Yeah. There was no one else there. We just did it.

We live a good life over here. The movie studio, and they're like, we've done like, Kim Jong Il's directed like 800 movies and stuff. But he consulted on 13,000. And he was like, wow, that's a lot of movies. He's like, yeah, he's amazing. Consulted on 13,000 movies.

There's one Lisa Ling did ages ago. It's on Netflix. I watched that a while back. And some guy escaped who worked in the guard tower. Did you ever see this he got out of north korea and he's like the minute i got under a fence the guy that he was with got trapped under the fence and died immediately was electrocuted to death and he goes the minute i knew i got out of north korea i knew that i had signed my family's death warrant because now they

go after your family they put them in that what's what's that, their area? What is it? It's the slave camp in the middle. Yeah, and he's like, I just, I fucked over my entire family. How do you deal with that kind of a guilt? I don't know. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, if there's, there's the big argument. If the United States was really trying to like clean up evil in the world, that's the

spot we hit. For sure. The problem is they're poor as fuck. They're poor as fuck. And they're all brainwashed. They were really trying to liberate. A lot of them are brainwashed. You're right. It's bad. I problem is they're poor as fuck. They're poor as fuck. They were really trying to liberate a lot of them are brainwashed, you're right. It's bad. I mean, they're scared.

Well, you would have to fucking free these people, first of all, and then you would have to slowly sort of re-indoctrinate them to the idea of freedom. They're in one of the last great dictatorships and it's 2013. With the internet and everything and with your neighbor

to the south who used to be connected to you used to be your former countrymen are banging out cell phones and tvs and fucking massive electronics and cars and constructed things and all you bitches have your lights out at night because you can't keep your electricity on like if you wanted to see what works and what doesn't work as far as happiness and a good population, you need to look no further than South Korea and North Korea. There's the difference between living in a dictatorship and living in a democracy

in the same country. The same patch of land. I mean, you can't control people. They don't like it. It doesn't work. And it's sort of what we were talking about earlier, about the ideas of being generous and helping and

loving, or being a fucking weirdo who's trying to control everything. Yeah. It applies to people, it applies to governments, it applies to everything. Absolutely. You can't build walls to keep people in and out. Look what happened in East and West Germany. Same goes building walls to keep Mexicans out. It doesn't work.

Well, it does work. That's why there's a Mexico, and that's why there's a United States. The question is, is it a good idea? Right. It doesn't work totally. It doesn't work 100% of the time, but it probably works 90% of the time. If it was wide open, there'd probably be no one in Mexico. That shit would empty out so quick.

Do you think? Really? Oh, my goodness. With the quickness, son. Oh, my God. The United Statesness, son. Oh my God. The United States would double in population in a week.

Yeah. Well, we've got a lot of room in the Midwest, don't we? Well, there's people that would love, I mean, there's parts of Mexico that people love, you know.

A lot of people live in Mexico City, they love it. People would come up here. Buck Angel lives in Mexico. Yep. Cancun. He loves it. She loves it.

It's awesome. He loves it. He loves it. I think that we would. I was trying to be like politically correct. Of course. Yep, Cancun. He loves it. She loves it. It's awesome. He loves it. He loves it. I would, I think that we would. I was trying to be like politically correct. Of course. Backfire. I know, I know.

The economy though. People would come here to make money. You know? That's why people would come. Yeah, the economy and also the, I see both sides of it. I see the logic in controlling our economy and not allowing people in because it allows you to maintain at least one

area and try to keep it viable. But the idea that somebody should be locked out just because they shit out of luck and were born in some terrible, impoverished town in Mexico, and that they can't ever get out of there and come up to where it's awesome.

That seems to me like the only reason why that would exist is because we, as humans, think that the idea of managing the whole world is just too daunting a task. So we have to block it off in little chunks, apply philosophies in those chunks, and then enforce the borders because we're not ready to combine. We're not ready to combine. Because if you're ready to combine, the number one thing you've got to do is you've got to fix the poor spots. You have to fix the poor spots. But don't you feel like one day we'll have a universal citizenship?

It won't be about this nation versus that. It'll be, passports will be a thing of the past. It's possible. Yeah, man. We would have to get over a lot of shit, though. And we'd have to, like to strengthen impoverished areas. There's got to be a lot of money in rebuilding shitty neighborhoods, just like there's a lot of money in rebuilding things that blow up in Iraq.

Yeah, I was just going to say, look at Iraq. I don't know if it's a success or not. We just need to get Halliburton involved in community centers. That's a great idea. If Halliburton got involved in community centers, just rebuild Detroit. Oh, my God. The contracts would be billions. The jobs would be intense. It would be amazing. Right now, yeah. Oh, my God. You just solved all our problems. The contracts would be billions. Yeah. The jobs would be intense.

Absolutely. It would be amazing. Right now, yeah. That would be amazing. Flint and Detroit. Yeah. I mean, I don't understand why it's okay to build shit on other parts of the world that we blow up, but not build shit that just fell apart on its own over here.

I agree. We were in Detroit for that sci-fi show. Mm-hmm. And we went to- Oh, I saw that one. We went to Zug Island and around that area, and wow. It's depressing, man. Yeah, very.

You can buy a house for $100. I'm sorry. I'm not kidding. I know. Yeah, I saw it, because the government just gave or loaned, I don't know, one of the two, Detroit, a lot of money. Yeah. Well...

It needs it. Yeah, and they were saying that, I mean, this is a little thing but like 40% of light posts you know don't work in Detroit in the greater metropolitan area it makes sense the average response time to a 911 call is 58 minutes oh my god so that means you know fire ambulance oh my god fucking time. Yeah. That sucks. For an average.

For an average, right. And what's really incredible is that town was created basically on the business that was, like, one of the best businesses for the United States ever. Yeah. The automotive business. At one point in time, they were rocking. It was the best. My friend Justin was on the podcast, and he worked in the Ford factory for Dude. At one point in time, they were rocking. It was the best. My friend Justin was on the podcast and he worked

in the Ford factory for years. My dad worked in the Chrysler factory. Yeah, and it was, you know, people could make a good living.

Yeah. They could support a family and they churned out these cars. Yeah, but then when, remember when they all had the bailout for the auto companies?

The big thing was that I think those guys overextended themselves with the, like the offers of their benefits because the whole thing was like, I think it was 20 or 30 years. I think maybe it was 30 years. And then you got like full, you know, incredible benefits. And so you had essentially a lot of people that could retire at 50. Right. And that's one of the main things of why, you know. So that's why they were losing money because they had to pay these guys?

Well, eventually, I mean, you know, the automotive industry became more competitive, so they're not as dominant. But then, yeah, one of the things that they said was a problem was that you have people who are essentially entitled to full benefits at 50 years old yeah justin was also saying that there was also jobs where it required you to use two people that was a union contract but they didn't really need to use two people so you would have like two hour shifts like you would come in for two hours and do it and then you could go leave and do whatever the fuck you want another guy would come in for two hours and do it, and then you could go leave and do whatever the fuck you want. And another guy would come in for two hours, and you did two shifts a day. And you each did two shifts a day.

And you got paid for a full job. And it's just because of the greed of these autoworkers, the unions, rather. Yeah, the unions, yeah. And then, you know, there's also another problem was they made a bunch of shitty fucking cars. And that's not the autoworkers' problem. It's the design problem and the engineers' problems, but goddamn the United States made some terrible cars in the 80s.

I mean, they fucked up everything. They fucked up the Mustang. They fucked up the Corvette. They fucked up the Camaro. They fucked up all the greatest cars that the United States has ever built. Fucked them all up. Completely. You mean like the designs? They were dog shit. Like the late 80s and the early 90s, they were dog shit.

They were the stupidest looking, ugliest fucking cars. It's like they were trying to tank it on purpose. You go back in time and you look at a 1969 Mustang Fastback. Look at like a GT500 from 1969. Those cars were a masterpiece. The lines on them, the appeal of them, just to look at them

just like artistically. They had this appeal to them. And then they tried to make cars more gas friendly because the gas prices went up because they had the fake gas shortage where they fucked everybody and, oh, we ran out of gas.

Psych. Right. Then they just, from that point on on they all just went to shit they couldn't have those big v8s anymore because they only got eight miles a gallon so instead they started making these stupid six-cylinder mustangs just looked like dog shit and the big thing now is that what what gave a big boost at least you know like to dodge was that they went to a throwback. It was like, these look like the old designs, like the Dodge Challenger.

The Challenger's so rad. The Challenger's rad. The Challenger really looks like an old one, but the Camaro looks like a new car. I mean, it's like, they didn't, it's got kind of a retro hot rod kind of a look to it. Yeah, it does, but it's still new. Yeah. Yeah, it looks badass but it's still new. Yeah.

Yeah, it looks badass. They have a new Trans Am. Oh, really? Yeah, a Camaro Trans Am. Can you still get the Falcon or the Phoenix on there? I meant Z28. That's so right. The Trans Am was the Firebird, Z28.

Firebird. And the Z28, the new Camaro, is faster around a racetrack than a Porsche. Really? Weren't you in the car when you were playing the video? Yes. The sound of it, oh my God. Is that the one that you can make the sound of?

Not as good. I do a terrible idea. I love your sounds. I saw them online. I appreciate it very much. Really good. Really good. I was really impressed.

Check out Brian Callen's Brian. For whatever reason, likes hearing me do animal noises. I love your animal noises. I was so impressed. Your dog is impeccable. The bear. The bear is layered.

The noise is perfect, and so is the lip quivering. Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with me. It's really good. It's really good. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I can only do a few. I would never say I was an impressionist because I can't do a lot of impressions. My voice range is not that good.

But if it falls in my range, I can do it. Alex Jones, you do it really well. Yeah, I can do that guy. And you can do Diaz as well. I can do Diaz. See, those guys are in my range. They're shouty, loudy guys. Yeah, very good.

I can do some people. But you couldn't say, hey, do Justin Bieber. No. Did you see that fucking video? This is the Z28. That's the car. Is that Jay Leno? Yeah, Jay Leno's car fiend.

That's his garage in Burbank. They took this, that's not the Z28. They took this Z28 and they took out everything, all the navigation, radio. Only has one speaker to let you know that the door goes ding, ding, ding. They took out all that shit to make it super light and put in a 500-horsepower naturally aspirated engine. He's got denim on denim on, Jalen. He always has denim on. That's how he rocks it.

He's not growing up. He's a Toys R Us kid. Good for him. Listen to this thing. High-end parts like the Brembo carbon ceramics and so on. It's going to be more than zero. You hear that? That makes guys' balls tingle.

Yeah. Brembo carbon ceramics and so on. It's going to be more than zero. You hear that? That makes guys' balls tingle. Yeah. It's funny. It's the first time this car is out on the public street, I'm sure, at least in California. Look at that thing.

We're getting thumbs up and the time's gone. Wait a minute. It's Malbec Canyon Road right there. That's because it's UJ. It's not for the car. That is a wicked car, though. As far as American cars go, that car is wicked. What do you think?

Should we have one? It's a nice car. How much does that cost? It's not that much. As far as the kind of performance, I think it's probably going to be around $60,000. Let's find out. New Z28. I like it black.

The bargains are the Z28 and the Corvette. They have a new Corvette now that's fucking incredible. Yes. The fucking new Corvette is crazy. Oh, it's amazing. And the price is pretty amazing for what you get. How much is the new Corvette? It's it's amazing and the price is pretty amazing for what you get how much is the new Corvette

it's like 60 68 I think they had it on the Stingray Z51 well they have different the Z28

is oh the Stingray is the new yeah the Stingray is the new Corvette price hmm the Stingray is incredible

have you seen that yeah go to the see if you pull up Matt Farah that dude who was on the podcast Corvette price. The Stingray is incredible. Have you seen that? Yeah. Go to the, see if you pull up Matt Farah, that dude who was on the podcast, Smoking Gun. There's that. I like the bra on the car. It looks so cool.

Wow, look at that. Look at that. Do you have to put a bra on it, though? No, those are done. They don't do those anymore. Why did they do a bra? People have clear bras now. It's a clear sheet that keeps the chips. It was to avoid paint chips from rocks. That's why people wrap their cars nowadays.

Look at this thing. Sounds like you behind the wheel. Yeah, buddy. Look at the seats, man. This is a sick car. I just love that America's finally figured out how to make cars that don't suck a fat one. For the longest time, they were dog shit. I got a Ford Mustang just because I knew that Mustang didn't take money from the government.

They didn't take a bailout. So I was thinking about getting it. I wanted to get some sort of American hot rod. So I got a GT500. I remember that. That's why I got it. I got it because of the fact and because it's just it's pretty badass yeah it's a it's they figured out how to make fun

cars again yeah they figured out a shelby yeah yeah yeah those things are fucking awesome that that rumbled too when you start that up it's very manly yeah this is even more manly though i think the z28 i might have to purchase one of these motherfuckers. That's what I'm saying. I want to support, honestly, like no bullshit, I really do want to support American car companies that are making cars like this. That's great. Are they making them in America

though? God, I hope so. Volkswagen just switched to Mexico. I hope they don't give them to no other peoples. We have a lot of foreign... Volkswagen just went to now in Mexico. That doesn't seem like German to me. The peoplewagen? Don't we have foreign,

though, plants here for, like, doesn't Porsche make some Porsches in Alabama? That's a good question. I don't know. BMW in South Carolina.

I know Honda does. I don't know. But I would imagine that other companies do as well. Yeah, I think Porsches are in Alabama. I wonder if that's like

because it's easier to build the cars over here instead of shipping them. You know, like whatever it would cost you to ship them, you could probably make them over here with the same engineering. Too expensive to ship. It's all robots. Yeah, a lot of it is, right? It's all automated.

Yeah. That also killed a lot of jobs. Yeah. Because everything, a lot of it is automated. Yeah. But the precision that you can get in automation is, you know, pretty goddamn amazing. We could print out a car pretty soon.

I bet you're right. Dude, there's no bullshit, man. It's going to come. I think there's going to come a time where going to the store and buying things, people are just going to laugh at you. Oh, my God, you guys used to buy shit? That's so stupid. They're going to be able to just put, like, you're going to have a printer at home,

and you're going to keep ingredients in it. Carbon, silica, this, that, the other, different, various metals. And then you're going to say, you know, build me a fucking TV, bitch. And you enter in your credits for the design for the TV, and you get on your iTunes account,

it charges you for the design for the TV. That's what you pay, like a design license fee. And then you have to design for the TV. That's what you pay, like a design license fee. And then you have to pay for the materials. And then I think everything will be like way cheaper. Except the machine. The machine's going to be a motherfucker. But it'll be just like cell phones. When cell phones first came out, no one had them.

You know? They were super rare. Now you go to any place in the world, people have cell phones. I was in Brazil and, you know, it was in 2003 everyone had a cell phone. Really, people have cell phones. I was in Brazil, and it was in 2003, everyone had a cell phone. Really? People have cell phones.

They're everywhere. And it used to be prohibitively expensive for poor people. Do they have the backpack thing where you have to put the phone? I remember that. What's up, player? Little Android phones and iPhones and shit. Remember your car phones? Oh, yeah.

I actually like that. I had one. I had one installed in my car in 89 I would like to have one of those again just the clipping it's nice right in the center console it was a cool thing to have like you would be on the phone

hello I'm driving right now like it was impossible nobody believed it but you would have roaming charges everywhere. Oh, is that right? I didn't even know that happened. Oh, my God. You were only allowed to use it.

When I had it, you were only allowed to use it in Boston itself. And when I would go outside of Boston, I would enter into a roaming area. And the roaming areas would be ridiculous. It would be like, you know, $1 a minute, $1.95 a minute or something like that. And it was just a few hours from your house. It's not like today, you know, it got real competitive. And today you could go anywhere and your phone works everywhere. If you go internationally, you got to pay rates that are different

because they have to use their service. But in the United States, it's essentially wherever the fuck you go, you're all right. So crazy. But I was in Western Massachusetts. It's two hours from my house and it was roaming. You had like a really little area. Like even in Massachusetts, you had roaming.

And it's a mobile phone. Yeah. What was that bill like? It was stupid. It was unbelievable. And I had no money back then. I was like, oh, God. Yeah.

Dude, do you realize I didn't have a cell phone until I graduated from college and entered the workforce. until I graduated from college and entered the workforce. Like, just thinking about being 16 years old, waving goodbye to my dad, getting into my 87 Chevy Nova, and just taking off for the night. And my dad not knowing where I was, when I was, I didn't have a page or nothing,

and I would just, you know, come back at 2 in the morning. You were shooting porn. I was shooting porn. I was doing H. I was stripping. Smack. Can you believe that? No, I know.

That's the thing is, look at this. This guy's got one. What's up, man? What? Look at that. Holy shit. I bet the battery's better than your iPhone. Oh, it's massive.

Is that a fucking phone? It's Bill Gates. The dad takes the phone. Son, don't you do it. That's a cock-bock video. That's what that is. Sophisticated cock-bocker. Dad's a hater. Kid's smarter than him.

He's got his big stupid phone. The kid's on a little laptop. Meanwhile, it's like 1918. When did they invent laptops? Oh, my God. That kid had a laptop. What the fuck was that thing in his lap? I think it was one of those word processors.

Remember those word processors? Hewlett-Packard. Yeah, I was trying to let you know. Geniuses are ahead of the curve. I've had a cell phone forever. Like I said, I got my first one in 89. 89. That's good.

And then I couldn't afford it after a while. So I think I probably got my next one in 93, 92 or 93. Got some big, stupid Motorola brick. The brick. It was called a StarTech. Yeah. Click, and it had an extended battery. The Nino Brown.

Needed that extended battery. No, it wasn't that big. No? I didn't have that one. I know what you're talking about. I had a girlfriend that had one of those. The Nino Brown? Yeah, the brick.

My brick was a flip brick. Oh, wow. Yeah, my first one flipped. I never got the full brick. I still see, I think the Motorola Razr, which came obviously much later,

is the perfect fucking cell phone. It really is. Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, it was a good one. Cameras. It's not good enough. Right, it's not good enough.

It just can't fuck with today. Right. It doesn't have a browser. It's like, we don't want just a phone anymore. We want a phone that does everything. I could do my banking on this phone. How crazy is that?

Not just banking. I do anything I want. I set my DVR when I'm in another country. You know, I can go, oh, fuck, I forgot to tape the fights. It does it. It just records it for me. That's incredible. That's madness.

Uber. Uber, yeah Yeah Uber's incredible Amazing How about just sending videos And pictures to people And how fucking little it is Have you used Uber? I know

Look at all that bitches I know It's so amazing I use it all the time Really? It's one of my favorite things ever What? Which one?

Uber Oh yeah Our neighbor was just telling us about that Yeah we're not on that yet Duncan called me Dude have you done this Uber? I'm in a car right now I'm never driving myself again.

That's cool. I saw Duncan the other day, and he Ubered, and he doesn't even do the UberX. He gets the SUV one that comes up, and he just walked in there like a pimp. It's just crazy. In three minutes, you can have pretty much a black limo pick you up for cheap. Yeah, and the tip is built in. I tip them extra, but the tip is built in. I tip them extra, but the tip is built

into the thing. It's nice. It's so easy. You just get in, get out. Say thanks, bye. That's great. And you get a limo ride. And then don't you

review them or something? That's their incentive to be good to you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome. That's a nice car? Oh, yeah. We used it in Manhattan

a couple times. Got SUVs. They were nice drivers. Everybody was cool. Respectable folks. The last Uber I went to, the guy said that he gets a lot of people that are just ballers, like, hey, I want to go to Vegas. And so they'll Uber from LA to Vegas.

But then he has to drive fucking back by himself. Wow. That's a long haul. But somebody the other day went to Salt Lake City because they didn't have a car and they wanted to go home. So he said it was like $2,500 Uber. What? What?

Wow. How much is his plane ticket, though? If you go in first class, that might be better. Definitely better. Yeah. I've done Vegas before. I've done Vegas in a limo before,

but it's a long drive. It is. It's a long drive. What is it, like four hours? I've driven it, too. It's four hours. It's a long drive to do in one day and then go do something. Yes, it sucks.

And it's boring. You just feel spent. Desert. It's also if you get stuck in traffic there. It's heinous. It's the worst. That's a road that was designed back when people were driving Model Ts. You know?

Stupid two-lane shitbag road. And it's just going through these desolate areas and broken down and you see just nothing but brake lights yeah for hours devastating and the worst the weirdest thing is like there's that the first sign of like the casinos that come up you're talking about they're like the crummier ones you're like who's staying here dude 20 minutes this way there's cooler shit with a broken roller coaster yeah why. Why are you staying here? There's probably a great documentary in that if we wanted to make it.

If we all wanted to just go to that place. That one spot. Super far south. Do a show there. And bring all... It's like roller coasters and shit. So bizarre. Bad fucking roller coasters. Can you imagine? That would actually be... You, me, and Diaz doing a show in a casino there in the middle of nowhere.

That might actually be fun. So random. Yeah. We could bring people in there. Yeah. Nobody would expect what's going on. Yeah, it would be a fun hangout. That would be a fun hangout.

Just call it disaster in the desert or something like that. Every one of those places has the thing like, these slots pay. That's what it says. Loose. We got the loose slots. Loose slots. We got real loose slots here. Stanhope has been doing a tour of really shitty spots.

That's such a good idea. Bill Burr wanted to do that, too. He wanted to do one with me and him, go to like the worst places ever. I'm like, boy, I don't know. It sounds like, it sounds novel. Right. But doesn't, wouldn't it be better to go to like Houston? Direct flights.

Wouldn't it be better to go to like Chicago? Like, hey, you guys got to get out of there. Yeah. I'm not coming to you. It's only helping you if I come to you. I'm only encouraging this bad behavior i'm only encouraging you to stay there yeah man go move to a cooler place there's some places i get psyched to be back like chicago you know i was talking to somebody about chicago burr

we were talking about chicago might be like the most underrated place in the country you know like as far as like doing stand-up, Chicago's great. It's one of the greatest places of all time to do stand-up. I've only done Schaumburg. It's really the Schaumburg Improv. It's more of a suburban thing. I do the theater, the Chicago Theater,

and it's in the city, and it's different. They're on the ball. They're some smart fucking people. Yeah, actually, I enjoy the Midwest for stand-up. I love Ohio. Yeah, love Ohio.

It's fantastic. For some reason, the Midwest really gets it and they're down. Yeah, I did Ohio. It's fantastic. Like, for some reason, the Midwest really gets it and they're down. Yeah, I did one of my best specials there, Talking Monkeys in Space. I did that in Ohio. I did that in Columbus at the Southern Theater where Mae West worked. Oh, get

out! Oh, that's cool. And W.C. Fields and Mae West. O.H. That's awesome. Yeah. That's one of the stars in the background. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that looked really, really good. good yeah those people are like I always feel like people in like Columbus and people in like Chicago and people in like Milwaukee

they're like smart people but also they have that Midwest like down to earth thing going on they might be in a city but there's like a lot of people that are like real good people that are like you know when they call that area the heartland, the salt of the earth, there's a lot of morons that live out there.

Don't make no mistake about it. A lot of the really farmy places in this country are filled with retards. We know that. But they're also filled with a lot of cool fucking people. For sure. And just like everywhere you go, you're not going to get 100% gems. Right. You're just not.

Just like in L.A. There's always a trade-off. There's turds in L.A. too. Fuck yeah. And the ones that are turds, they throw off your perceptions. That's right. Like I've had people say, you know, oh man, I went to L.A., man, I went to this party. Everybody was so fucking full of themselves.

We're all full of shit. That place sucks. Okay. I believe you 100%. But there's 20 million people here. You can't find one. One party, one night, one terrible clunk of humans. Yeah.

And you just got mixed up in the wrong tribe, son. The other one. You could have been hanging out with us at the improv. That's what it is. Tribes. It's all about finding your tribe in wherever you are. Yeah. In wherever you are. Yeah, in wherever you are. Yeah.

People also talk shit about L.A. A lot of times they'll be like, you're from L.A.? That place sucks. Yeah, I hate that. I went out there for like three or four days. Like, where'd you stay? They're like, Hollywood and Highland. I'm like, did you go anywhere?

They're like, no, just right there. I'm like, so you hate fucking Hollywood Boulevard, man. Like, what are you talking about? We do, too. I grew up here. I fucking hate that part. It's not indicative of the entire city. Yeah, I've been here since 94, and I don't go there.

No, it's for tourists. Come on. It's horrible. It's a bad place. It's like saying, one of my friends told me he hated New York, and he was like, it's the worst fucking city ever. I'm like, really? Where'd you stay?

Where'd you go? He's like, I was in Spanish Harlem. And I was like, but where'd you go? He's like was in spanish harlem and i was like but like where'd you go he's like no i just stayed there like i stayed in spanish harlem i was like that's all you saw and he was like yeah i go well i mean that's not yeah you can't take in the city just in spanish harlem you can't take in that city in a year no you know what you're gonna do is get a sense of like whoa there's a lot of motherfuckers here oh yeah spend two weeks in new y York just going from one place to another, just trying to check off a list of the interesting places,

from the museums to the restaurants to going on Broadway. Look, New York is so strange that Broadway works there, okay? Right. There's a fucking really good reason why those stupid musicals and plays aren't everywhere. I hate them so much. I hate musicals. They're so dumb. Yeah, they're so stupid.

They're a murderous assault in your attention span. Yes, yes. But New York is so big and so awesome that it can actually support a whole community of people that pretend to like that stuff. And make them millionaires. Maybe they do like it. Maybe I'm just an asshole. Most likely I'm just an asshole most likely i'm just an asshole the worst is that andrew lloyd weber shit i mean it's it's so soul crushing

that's so fucking spirit crushing and it's not even okay it'll literally be like i'm lifting the bottle she's lifting the bottle we're walking down the street there's yes exactly to any of it. I went to see Brian Callen had a teacher who was a theater teacher and Brian always gets sucked into because he's such a nice guy. He always gets sucked

into going to these things. They drag him to these things. There was like, I'm doing a performance. I would love it if you came. Oh, no. And he's like,

I gotta go, I gotta go. So this was, the guy was gonna sing show tunes. And so Brian calls me up. He goes, listen to me. Listen to me. You must come with me.

I'm about to see my theater teacher sing show tunes. It will be most excellent. And by the way, he's going to be very sincere. So we went and watched this guy sing like these sincere shows. Holy shit. And I hope you have a drink when you really want to drink. Like that kind of stuff. So earnest, yeah.

That what you're talking about, they're almost like doing dialogue. Yes, just say it. But singing. Yeah. They're not even rhyming. No. It's so, it doesn't even make sense. Why are we singing the song?

It's terrifying. You guys don't get it. That's why they're singing the song. We must not get it. We're going to get some angry. And he was really good. I enjoyed it. You enjoyed it? I enjoyed it. Okay. I's why they're singing this song. We must not get it. We're going to get some angry. And he was really good. I enjoyed it. You enjoyed it?

I enjoyed it. Okay. I was so high. There you go. I was so high, my feet were barely touching the ground, because all I could think about was the amount of space that's in an atom. An atom is almost entirely made out of space. And so I was thinking of, while this guy was singing, I was like, why do I even feel the

ground? This is all bullshit. That's what you were enjoying. There's no real. This is all space. Why does it feel hard under my feet? That's what I was thinking about while this guy was going. Was that here?

I hope you have a drink. Yeah, it was on Hollywood Boulevard someplace, I believe. It was a nice place. Dude, I think that Heartland area, though, not just Chicago, that whole area is underrated for stand-up. Oh, yeah. For performing. Quite good. You know what's kind of fucked up is that not a lot of stand-ups came out of Chicago.

Like, if you look at, like, Houston, some of the all-timers, Bill Hicks, Sam Kinison. You know, there's a lot of great fucking comics came out of Houston. To my two all-time favorites right there. And so, you know, you compare Chicago to Houston, Chicago's way bigger. Like, why doesn't Chicago have a gang of comics? Look at New York. The list of comedians that have come out are, it's endless.

It's pointless to even start. Look at LA. Pointless to even start. Look at Boston. Smaller than Chicago by a good margin. And the amount of great comics that came out of Boston is staggering. Chicago? You got Larry Reeb out of Boston, staggering. Yeah. Chicago, you got Larry Reeb, you know,

your Uncle Larry, remember that guy? No. No. He's a funny guy. He's a funny guy, Chicago guy. He was on one of those

Roddy Dangerfield HBO specials. Oh, those old But a lot of improv guys, sketch improv guys. That's true. Yeah, they all do sketch and improv. Maybe that's what it is. Second City.

They're like goofier. They're not analytical and angry. That doesn't make any sense. Stand-up is better. They know it. You know it. I know it. Why wouldn't they do that and stuff?

It's the funniest shit. If you want to go see, I mean, if you want to see something really funny, you go see a great stand-up. In my opinion. And the other area, I always have a good time going there, but I don't know that many, well, actually, Minneapolis. Swartzen came out of Minneapolis. He's a super fucking funny guy. Yeah, he's hilarious.

I don't know that many other people from Minneapolis. Why do I want to say that Mitch Hedberg came out of Minneapolis? He is from Minnesota too. Yes. Good one. He actually recorded one of his CDs at Acme, right? Didn't he? I don't know if he recorded one there. I recorded one there, and I'm doing a special there.

I love Minnesota. Doing a special in Minneapolis. I love Minnesota, period. It's awesome. It's beautiful up there. Yeah. Cold as fuck, but it's nice. I'm going right before it gets, I'm going November 9th, which is basically, once you

get into January, February, it's fucking unbelievable. It's terrifying. You get free tickets to that special, by the way. Yes, you can tomsegura.com sweet googly moogly

come to my special I can't but I will tell people to go what day is it? November 9th November 9th yeah

yeah son yeah I love I mean I picked it because I actually literally have never had a bad time doing stand up

in Minneapolis. Yeah. It's that good. Yeah, so that's, I'm in Edmonton that night. You're in a colder place. You're in a colder place. Yeah, I'm at the River Creek. Edmonton's fun too.

You ever go up there? I've never been there. I've done Winnipeg, Calgary, Toronto, Vancouver, Montreal. I love Toronto. Toronto's amazing. God, that's so fun., Vancouver, Montreal. I love Toronto. Toronto is amazing. That's so fun. Yeah. We did two nights in Toronto.

We did the Sony Center, right? Yes. We did the Sony Center one night, and then the next night we did Second City. It was fucking incredible. Wonderful. Incredible. And the people couldn't be nicer. The people that you run into there, it's like a weird utopian city.

Yeah. It really is. They're super nice up there canada is just nicer it's i wonder i've wondered many many times to try to figure out what it is like why why are they nicer um well i have a friend from canada my friend shane and he claims it's because when you have they kind of have more of a support system yeah like the government does take more of your money but maybe it's because they take care of your health they take care of you a bit more and he's like we don't really have a need to be as competitive no guns like I also feel like I have plenty of guns yeah but I remember watching the news in Toronto and um and it wasn, and it wasn't a big deal.

It was just so matter-of-fact. There was not a lot of sensationalism added to it the way we do. It wasn't like, be afraid, be afraid, everything's terrifying. It was like, well, today what happened is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what also? They don't have a guilty conscience as a country. They're not out there raping the world. Yeah, maybe that's it.

They're a part of some of the adventures that we go on. They're like the dude that lives in the town that gets dragged along. They're not like the crazy asshole that organizes the hit on the other village. That's right. You know? Yeah. They're just, I don't know. I think it is less, has that less, you got to, we're number one.

You got to fucking prove that you're number one. That whole mantra. If you stopped and thought about all the fucked up shit the United States does and all the different countries, and how many people must be upset at the idea of the United States as a whole, not its real citizens like you or I, who really don't have any part in any of this stuff, but somehow or another get lumped in on the same team. And we benefit from our empire. Yeah.

That's a problem. Fuck yeah. We're on this team and we benefit from this expansion, from this conquering of other lands. That's how they keep us invested in it. Sure. And that's when you hear like an Ann Coulter. It's like, yeah, so we got to go to fucking war for oil. People get real squirrely when it comes to that stuff.

And I see their point. I see their point if I looked at the world the way they do. And I think a lot of people look at the world like there's these people in these other parts of the world, and these people are evil, and these people, they hate your freedom. They hate what you stand for. Their religion is based on hating you and wanting you dead. I get that. And all that oil, too. There's a little bit of that there, too.

It's just convenient that those same dummies are the ones who have the oil. Yeah. These dangerous dummies also have the oil, so we've got to go and check. It's a coinkydink, huh? Isn't it funny? And they're always like, I mean, their religion is so unreasonable. You're not even allowed to draw their guy. If you draw their guy, they'll fucking kill you.

I wouldn't even say that you're not allowed to draw the guy. That might get you killed, too. So it's all set up so that it's perfectly reasonable for us to go over there and fuck them up. Yeah, yeah. It's almost like if you wanted to play some long-term geopolitical chess. Long-term geopolitical chess means you've got to ensure that you're going to have some enemies to defeat in the future. You can't destroy people and then build up a new empire from scratch. You've got to keep some enemies active.

You've got to keep them healthy. Because if you don't have any conflict, you're not in business anymore. Right. That's a good point. So you empower these countries. So it's like when the United States, and this sounds like totalie info wars nonsense but it's a fact it's been going on forever the United States armed Iraq you know was a bill Hicks joke we know they're heavily armed how do we know check the receipt yeah I mean they yeah they armed Iraq

they armed Iran they've armed the the whole member thing with President Reagan, where he got in trouble because he sold arms to Iran, and then he had to testify, and he said he couldn't remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they have been doing it this way. We provide a lot of arms to a lot of countries. They're chess masters. These are war masters, and war masters play chess, and chess is a long-term game. And you don't want to if you

want to keep a fight going and you want to keep getting money and keep extracting money from the society that supports this you don't ever like crush your enemies that's why they pulled out of iraq in the first place the first desert storm we first went in there yeah when we first went in there they decided not to take over Iraq. They got in, they crushed the enemy, like, with almost no resistance. The only casualties were because of a Scud missile hit barracks and killed, like, 80 people. But that was the only people that died.

Like, other than that, it was, like, a few people died. A lot of people got sick after the fact when they found out that they were using depleted uranium and people got, like, some serious radiation sicknesses and things. But when they got to Baghdad, they decided not to take it over. Like, yeah, we'll just get out of here and leave. So they left Saddam Hussein to run the country after they crushed him. Yeah.

And he basically ran the same way he always ran. It was crazy sons. They fed people to dogs. They were, you know. They were savages. Unbelievable savages. Yeah. They fed people to dogs. They were, you know. They were savages. Unbelievable savages. But I believe that in the long-term chess game,

it's important to have a boogeyman. Because if we wanted to go in and take Iraq, like, we can't really justify going to war unless something happens. And the only way something happens is if other people have some kind of power. You know, so they always are going to back off a little they're always going to let there be just enough enemies out there and now that it's not even like country-based it's like terrorism like back in the nazi days

in the world war ii days they fucked up they had to call them nazis they called them we defeat the nazis now what those fucking russians i don't like the way they're looking at us. They ran out of enemies. But with terrorism, you never run out of enemies. It's really brilliant. You need that for the sale. To do the sale to the public. To be like, you know what?

We got to do this because here's the terrorists. And they're everywhere. You go, oh yeah. We got to do something now. They come with a bunch of different names. They're confusing as fuck. They're Al-Qaeda. They're the Taliban. They don't wear a uniform.

Which is the difference? Is Al-Qaeda part of the Taliban? They start out with the Taliban and break off into a much more rebellious faction? And I'll tell you, you have no idea how many bases we do have in the Middle East. I mean, when I did... Over 100. So many. Oh, we're everywhere.

Rather, more than 100 different countries. We're in Kuwait. We're still in Kuwait. We're still in Kuwait. We're in Saudi Arabia. And the government gave me a duplicate passport. I had two passports, one of which I had to surrender after I went in and out of Saudi. It was like a decoy passport to go into Saudi Arabia to perform and then come immediately back out. What does that mean?

Was it illegal what you were doing? I don't know. Are you a criminal? You you're criminal on my show because i pay taxes no i'm trying to drive an american car and pay taxes but it was a trip i mean we're not supposed to be there right i don't know what is that supposed to though no one's supposed to be anywhere there's no one's supposed to be controlling the fucking oil either we're everywhere there's no no one is supposed to be anywhere. The whole idea is ridiculous. And I think it's going to break down. You just can't see it keep going.

I think it's just like everything else. It's been slowly but surely dissolving around us. Yeah. I think as technology increases, as our access to each other increases, it's going to be way easier to decipher what other people are saying. it's going to be way easier to decipher what other people are saying. The whole idea about the Tower of Babel, keep man forever divided by making a gang of different languages so they can never completely communicate with each other.

That's all slowly being broken down, and it's one of the biggest impediments to peace. It's one of the biggest impediments to cultural understanding. I love watching shows about other countries, about how they eat and what they do. Like, I love Anthony Bourdain's show, especially. Oh, me too. I could watch anything that guy does.

Yeah, he's an awesome dude, too. And he goes over to Egypt and they eat camels. And he's there when they slaughtered it. They killed the camel in front of him and gutted it and slaughtered it. And, you know, they're all cooking. They eat it with their hands. They all, you know, it's really kind all cooking. They eat it with their hands. It's really kind of crazy.

You never shake hands with your left hand. Because they don't use toilet paper. They wash their assholes with their left hand and they eat with their right hand. So they shake hands with their right hand. You keep your fucking right hand clean, bitch. Because you're going to shake my hand and I'm going to better not be wiping your ass with your right hand. It's really important. It makes sense though if you think about it. You've got it down to really important. Yeah, they have like, it makes sense though.

If you think about it, you got it down to a science. Yeah, because I asked this guy once, I was like, do you really use your hand? And he's like, it's much cleaner. And when you think about it, he's like, you Americans, you take toilet paper and then you mash the shit against your ass. Like you mash it against you. It's disgusting. So stupid. He's like, me, I took my hand, I used my hand and then I washed my hand.

I'm like, do you use soap? He's like, what's soap? What's soap? Soap is what makes you smell not like you. But didn't you see them shitting off of the... Yeah, so I was on an oil platform in between Iran and Iraq, in the middle of nowhere in the ocean. And it's a mile-long platform, half American Marines, half Iraqi soldiers,

and we're teaching the Iraqis how to guard their oil that's the theory anyways the Iraqi barracks I got to tour them not so nice like those dudes were shitting off the side of the platform and then the fish that were eating the shit they would fish those fish and then eat the fish

oh yeah a lot of filth what about buttfuck Thursday? I don't know if that's just negative propaganda. Man Love Thursday, that's what the Americans say. Sam Tripoli claims it's 100% fact. Yeah. Has he seen that?

He's been there. Fight crime, bro. Crime fighter, bro. I'm shady. I'm shady. Yeah, they're fighter, bro. Crime fighter, bro. Bro. Fucking gigging. I'm shady. Gigging. Fucking gigging. Yeah, they're nasty, though.

Their mattresses were all brown and grody. So they live like savages. Yeah. Wow. They don't give a shit like we do about hygiene. Is it because they don't give a shit or they don't have the money? Well, we were training them and providing them with supplies. So at the time, they did have access to these things. We gave them a bunch of water bottles and we're like, dude, just

put this, you know. And it was all over. They would throw the water bottles just all over the floor as opposed to putting them in the refrigerator that the Americans had provided. They were probably really disenchanted. Their country got conquered. Everyone they know

got killed. I totally agree. Why are you telling me how to do my thing? Do you ever think about how we would react to just one example of what we do to another country? Oh, my gosh. We could see it. We could see it in the south and the north. Have you ever gone to the south and people call you a Yankee? Yeah.

I've had people call me Yankees before. You're a fucking Yankee. Yeah. Okay. I'm worse than a Yankee, dude. I'm a foreigner. My family came from Yankee. Yeah. Okay. I'm worse than a Yankee, dude. I'm a foreigner. My family came from other countries. Yeah.

I wasn't here when your bullshit was going on with those people. Wait until they see Pajitzky on the marquee. Oh, my God. Oh, you some kind of new Jew. Yeah, totally. New kind of Jew. But I remember this. When I was on that oil platform, they had this thing where it was like Operation Wind

Hearts and Mines. This is the craziest thing ever. Norman Rockwell just fucked the army at mouth yeah yeah so what they would do oh you die so once a week they had ice cream socials with the Iraqis and they would fucking find a way to get tubs of rocky road ice cream airlifted onto this oil platform and then we would I would be having ice cream with the Iraqis so oil platform and then we would I would be having ice cream with the Iraqis

so that they would see how amazing our American rocky road isn't everything amazing in America like don't you want this yeah

and they're like yeah this is pretty good fucking ice cream it's gonna take back my grandmother getting her head blown off in front of me

right right I'm defecting this is amazing it's got chocolate chunks in it you don't like this wow does it make you

forget about your family I lost almost everyone in my family but I think it was worth it. Yeah. Right. Because this is cold and sweet. Right. It's kind of delicious.

That is so hilarious. You remember your nephew now, right? Yeah. Fucking ice cream man. You don't need your kids. You've got Rocky Road. It's so hilarious. Yeah.

So, that was interesting stuff. What a weird fucking thing it is. What a weird fucking thing it is to just go into another country and kill everybody and then give them stuff. And then we need to set up permanently here, guys. After we've killed everybody, we're going to be here a while. We don't think you can do this on your own, even though you did this on your own since like the 900s.

Yeah, right. And they have to go, okay, you're right. We won't get upset. Well, that's the second time that someone has done that to Baghdad. go, okay, you're right, we won't get upset. Well, that's the second time that someone has done that to Baghdad. I've been listening to, for the past couple of years, Dan Carlin's

Hardcore History. I guess about a year, a year and a half. And he has this amazing series about the Mongols. It's called The Mongol Invasions. Well, Hungarians are part Mongols, yes. Really? The Mongols fucked all you, that's why. The Hunols, yes. Really? The Mongols fucked all you.

That's why. The Huns, yes. Yeah, they came in and fucked everybody. Yes. But he has this whole piece about them taking over Baghdad. And you kind of understand why the Middle East is so fucked up once you hear it. They killed everybody. They threw all of their writing into the river.

They said the river ran black with ink and red with blood. Killed everybody. Like, literally killed everybody. Like, they killed a million people. Like, they would kill people, then they would come back two weeks later to see if anybody was cleaning up the bodies, and they'd kill them.

Jesus. Yeah, they didn't fuck around. That's effective. And they say that Baghdad never really recovered. And, like, essentially, in the 1200s, 12-whatever-it-was, when Genghis Khan did all that crazy shit, from then until now, they've never recovered. But back then, they were the pinnacle of civilization.

They were like scholars and scientists and they were excellent keepers of records. Oh, that went in the river. Bitch, just cut everybody's head off. Isn't that interesting? And that's it. Once your intellectual history is gone, you're done. Yeah, it's done. You start from scratch and everyone's dead, by the way. This might be a hippy-dippy, dopey thought, a pot thought,

but I fear that our culture is going that way because of the disappearance of the bookstore, because of the disappearance of book learning, book reading, because of the nooks. Just download that. You understand there's a process when you go into a bookstore and you go, I'm interested in this topic. And you point your finger and you go, what's that? What's that? I feel like that experience is gone.

I feel like we're totally regressing into idiocracy and it is going that direction. Well, we have always gone to the path of least resistance. Every person does. You know, you have to fight to not do that. Right. And the path of least resistance is you just watch TV. Yeah.

You just sit on the couch. You can just, you know, go order some takeout. Let's just get a pizza delivered. Let's just. Yeah. You know, the path of least resistance is not going to the bookstore, getting a book, sitting home, reading it, absorbing it. Right.

No, it's sitting in front of a television. We have so much. Like, go into the supermarket to get your food. That's another thing that's probably not good. It's probably better if everybody grew their own food. If we had, like, community gardens and everybody grew their own food, and even if you don't eat meat, all you really need is some chickens. If you have a bunch of hens, they lay eggs. You're not killing a chicken. Those eggs will

never become a chicken unless a rooster's in the house. So if the rooster's banging them, then those chickens have the potential to have a baby. Otherwise, they're just laying eggs that are free food. You feed them, you give them your table scraps, like vegetables and stuff. They eat it. They love it. You give them your table scraps like vegetables and stuff. They eat it. They love it. You let them run around your yard and pick up your grass. That's like a smart way to live.

The way we do it, we're not connected to our fucking food. I think that just like being not connected to information, not reading books anymore, not exploring and learning ideas, that was bad for you. But I think on the other hand, there's never been more information available to everybody on your phone, on a computer. But I agree with you, but it's an abridged, weird version. There's something different about reading. Let's say you want to know what Nietzsche said. There's a huge difference between picking up Beyond Good and Evil and reading that bitch

cover to cover and being like, wow, there's this and that idea and making connections than going to Wikipedia and being like, Frederick Nietzsche, what did that guy say? God is dead. Got it. On to the next thing. And you quote it on a message board to seem like a genius. Of course. Right. There's a huge difference.

Do you even know who said that, bro? That's what you throw in. That's how you guys do it. You know, someone says something and you Google debunked and then you pick out a quote from that. See, this goes back to why our relationship works is because I don't let her smartness upset me. Right, Tommy.

It's true. I don't know. No, I'm serious. I think what makes it work is that, you know, you like your book and then you're reading and I'll actually go, you know what? I should read a book. I use it as inspiration.

You're a reader, though. Yeah. But I download my books onto my iPad. I do, too, now, though. I'm not saying that that's an ignorant evil. No, no. But I'm saying it is an extension of what we were talking about. Like, you know, you have good habits that I, you know, copy.

I go, I should read a book because you're reading so many books. And then do you know what I learned from you? That you should watch a football game. That I should like football. No. I learned how to deal with white dudes. Because I kind of... No, Tommy's really good at dealing with white dude America.

Like business things. And I learned from him. I watch him, how he does all that. White dudes. Yeah, like the man. You know what I'm saying? The man. Business and stuff.

Because I'm not good at that. You're supposed to get some Jew to do that for you. I totally have them. Thank you. Yes. I have a good at that. You're supposed to get some Jew to do that for you. I totally have them. Thank you. Yes. A smart Jew. I have a team of Jews. They seem to have a good grip on how to run the show business industry.

What's that about? I think that people, I think, first of all, I think a lot of Jews are smart. If you look at the amount of. Super smart. Yeah. If you look at the amount of Nobel Prize winners in science and PhDs, a shitload of them are Jewish from Europe, European Jews. Yes. It's amazing how many of them.

It's amazing. So it's a staggering number. I think it's just an excellent gene pool as far as intellectual. Is that why they're so persecuted historically? It's a good culture to be born into. Culturally, like, you know, it's a supportive atmosphere. It's the atmosphere a lot of times of, like, helping, bringing people along. Family.

Right. But there's a seclusionary thing that they have going on a bit. Right. Where they kind of exclude everybody else out of their community because you know And just if you looked at it. I mean I hate to be a Jew lover here, but if you looked at it in terms of Just accomplishments and just it makes sense that they would want to keep everybody out If you looked at the amount of shit that they've pulled off right like intellectually I think the amount of things that the Jewish people have done.

I mean, it's really kind of staggering, especially compared to my moron people. My moron people have, like, Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and everybody else is retarded. Yeah. The mafia. These dudes who make cars

and a bunch of assholes who look like me, look like chimp people. You know? They're a bunch of chimp people. Good suits, man. He has good tailors. Yeah, and my people are the southern people.

My people are not the smart ones who look like Europeans. My people are the ape-like characters. They look like they carried bricks up hills. So when I say that these Jews are so much smarter than a lot of other nationalities, it's just a fact. I mean, it really is. If you look at accomplishments, let's not say they're smarter,

but they're exemplary for sure. And so if they were that exemplary and that accomplished as a race, it makes sense they'd be exclusionary. They want to keep all my dumb genes from fucking their daughter, shooting her up with some live crazy load that's going to create some half smart, half fucking ape kid. Going to run around and ruin things at the Jewish school. And be like, bro, I'm not wearing a fucking yarmulke.

All right? That shit's stupid. My dad says it's dumb as fuck. Oh, you got a beanie? God wants you to wear a beanie? Dude, seriously? We got this genius that just joined our tribe, guys. God made flowers. God made beehives. And God wants you to wear a beanie? Dude, seriously? We got this genius that just joined our tribe, guys. God made flowers, God made beehives, and he wants you to wear a beanie.

Shut the fuck up. It also keeps, if you're that exclusionary, you get to keep outside competition from your businesses. Yes. Can I tell you what? That is also an immigrant practice. My father is Hungarian, and he primarily deals with other Hungarians. Or Eastern European people. Or Eastern European, not other tribes.

He's very explicit, but that's a common immigrant thing to do as well. The Asians deal with the Asians, et cetera, et cetera. And somehow or another, they've made blowjobs less of a taboo. The Jewish girls always enjoyed the blowjobs much more than the American girls. That's so true. It felt like they were doing you a taboo. The Jewish girls always enjoyed the blowjobs much more than the American girls. It felt like they were doing you a massive favor. You're right. I think that stops once you marry them, though.

That's what I've heard. That's a wrap. That's the fucking bait and switch right there. Replaced by nagging. But they like it. When I was in high school, that was the word. The word was that Jewish girls give head.

They like it. Let's do a poll. They're always freakier in the sack, I think. But I'm German. I'm sorry, the Jewesses? Jewesses. But they also have that reputation of being naggy. They have the reputation of not being sexual.

Prejudice against Italians. I also heard that. I'm definitely prejudiced against Italians. Yeah, are you? I don't fuck my people. Please, Jubrod. I haven't fucked my people since the early 80s. Really?

I learned a long time ago to keep away from my people. Jewish girls? Interesting. Savages. Chimp people. They're chimp people. I've only had one girl swing at me ever. She was Italian.

Full blown. This bitch took a wind up. Was she like a fucking Jersey Shore kind of bitch? Long Island. Long Island. Bitch was crazy. She's ready to go to war. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I didn't hit her back. I just grabbed a hold of her. I'm like, we don't have to do this. Let's not turn this into a slugfest. You can't hit back, right? No. Oh, you can't do that.

Oh, my God. You can't get in a slugfest with a chick. No. I mean, girls can with other girls, but. Well, you know, but my point is, I've never had a white girl swing at me? No. I mean, girls can with other girls, but. Well, you know, but my point is, I've never had a white girl

swing at me. No. Other than Italians. Yeah. Remember drunk Katie? Remember her? Yeah, Katie's awesome.

Yeah, I love Katie. I was talking to her yesterday, and she was, reminded me of that time where somebody in the audience, Davey was on stage,

Davey, the guy that has, you know, he walks funny. Cerebral pals, you know, he walks funny. Cerebral palsy? Yeah. He walks funny. So somebody yelled out,

like, you're not funny, retard, to him. Jesus. And Katie was waiting. She was a waitress there at the time. And she came up and goes,

did you just say he was retard? He goes, yeah. And she just punched him and knocked him out. She knocked him out? Katie was, well, you got to throw that all through the red. She just punched him and knocked him out. She knocked him out? Katie was, well,

you gotta throw that all through the red band filter whether or not she knocked him out. Did she hurt him? Oh, she said. Yeah, yeah. Oh, there you go.

She's from Boston. She's like a boss. She will punch somebody, no doubt. She's hilarious. We had some of the funniest times at that store talking to, like,

her and Eleanor. Eleanor, who's now finally doing comedy. Eleanor was now finally doing comedy. Eleanor Kerrigan is fucking hilarious. And she's always been hilarious. Like when she finally started doing comedy, I was like, wow, why didn't you do this a long time ago?

You know, you were always hilarious. And she's a hack detective, you know, like I would, I would say like, uh, everybody says this guy's funny. Is he funny? And she would go go if you like old stupid premises redone and then she would like

walk off like she she knew she knew it was bullshit and what wasn't she knew about dance moves doing dance moves Tommy

Tommy's word for like when a joke's not really that funny you try to jazz it up yeah give it some dance moves I would call it English. Put an English on the cue ball

and make it spin around for no reason. Like when you have to really work it. Oh, I know. Believe me. In the South, you have to do that

a little bit. Do you think so? Yeah, I shuck and drive a lot harder. I slow it down, too. I slow it down. Well, I've always said this. I think it's way harder

for a woman to do stand-up. Yeah. I think it's harder to get the attention on stage from men to give you the ball, because guys will, hey, I'm funnier than this bitch. Let me talk. Definitely. You can't have opinions on things.

You certainly can't have opinions on religion or politics or anything controversial where you or I could pull off, I don't agree with this guy, but shh. But if a woman, like if a woman's on stage telling Jesus jokes. Yeah, it's very volatile. Fuck yeah, it's volatile. But that's why it's so important, and I think that that's why it's a good thing to do it. Well, it's important when they're

funny like you. That's when it's important. Because when they're not funny, they should just quit, because they're ruining the rest of the whole thing. Can't say that, because a lot of people start off not funny and then they figure out how to get funny. That's true. Yeah, man. Don't you think every guy or every girl faces their own biases socially? When you go up on stage, the audience doesn't know who you are.

If you're a black guy, the assumption is this guy's got to be the funniest guy on the planet. So you have that far. Maybe to you, whitey. People do, I think, generalize black dudes on stage, though. I think they give them more props a lot of times. Yeah, I agree with that. To black people they don't know. I think a lot of black people throughout history

have been fantastic performers. Yeah, for sure. If you look at the number of people, like all-time number of black people and number of great black entertainers, especially in stand-up, is so disproportionate.

Because if you think of like the greatest comics of all time, you know, if you had to like do a hundred of them, it's going to be more than ten that are black.

You know? I mean, there's 10% of the population is black. If you took the hundred greatest comedians, probably like 50 of them would be black.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, they're disproportionately funnier. Yeah, I mean, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby. Those are in the top five

all-time greats. And there's four of them. They're black. Dave Chappelle, five black guys. Right there. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. And the Jews. Very funny. Jews are funny. Yeah, the Jews are funny. Jews are funny. Yeah. Yeah, the Jews are funny. I watched some...

Dude, see if you can pull this because it's kind of interesting. Pull this up. Rare footage of Woody Allen doing stand-up. Woody Allen doing stand-up from 1965. My glasses. He was funny. He was. He was young and he was...

You can tell he was perverted. I'll tell you that right now. That dude's a freak. He's a freak. He's always obsessed he was smart. You could tell he was perverted. I'll tell you that right now. That dude's a freak. He's a freak. He's always obsessed with young pussy. That's always his theme in every movie, almost, if you watch them. It's redemption through young pussy. Yeah.

I'm aging. That works. I'm never, and it totally works. You don't understand that that's real. Is that right? Of course it's real. Oh, is that why my dad does it? Why do you think old guys get young pussy?

And they bang them and they're like, yes! Yeah, redeeming. Of course. Look at this. Watch this. I know. How old is he? Did it say how old he is there, Brian?

65. Did it say how old he is? 65. Oh, I was sure. He was doing philosophy jokes and shit, this guy. The Metropolitan Museum of Art, which is this fabulous museum of art. And when I was younger, I used to hang out a lot at the museum in search of a meaningful social relationship. What? You gotta look at this too he's so like

animated I got very emotionally involved with the painting you know two gods had to restrain me tried to lick some of the oil

off the canvas so I was thinking to myself at that time where is it that I could meet the kind of girl that would pose

for that type picture and in my neighborhood there's an art supply shop that deals in offbeat things and I run down there and I get the name of an artist model off the wall and I call her up and I came on very strong like an artist. I used a lot of very artistic terms like brush I said and easel. I was just adorable. And we agreed on a price, you know, and hung up. And I got all dressed up in my smock and beret, you know, and little Harvey's Bristol cream on the hair. I'm too much when I want to be. And I waited there. Now, a lady does a knock on my door. And standing there is this fabulous woman, but really sensational.

And I let her in quickly, you know. And I locked the door with my police lock immediately. He's such a creep. And I said to her, take off your clothes right away. Because I don't know much about art, but I know what I like. God, fuck. Look at his face. She took off everything, very professional and posed. And I began to shake. That's my thing, I shake all the time. I'm not good in those kind of situations. I'm perspiring audibly. She's standing there in

front of me, majestic. I took my piece of paper and my charcoal pencil, and I went up to her, and I got into a little trouble with her because I tried to trace her. Living as I do in our rich neighborhood. It's fascinating to see. You can see his kinkiness for sure. Oh, for sure. By the way, do you know how racy that was in 1965 on television?

Wow. I think it was on television. I mean, it's being filmed, whatever it is. Does it say where it was from? Does it say like a show or anything? It was weird. It was in front of a staircase. It was a shitty set.

They didn't know about sets back then. TV was only 10 years old. It doesn't say. It doesn't say. It doesn't say. But you could, when you stop and knowing what you know now and you watch that video.

Isn't that something? What a nightmare that must have been for everybody involved. Oh my God. Oh my God, dude. Craziness, huh? You and your wife get divorced

and you're now banging his daughter, her daughter that used to be your daughter and now it's your wife. You're adopted. You're adopted daughter. You're adopted daughter. It's not okay. It's not healthy. It's weird. Who trusts you as a parental figure. But it's

so weird. I mean, has it ever been done by a public figure like that before? Roman Polanski was banging 13-year-olds. No, no, no. Nothing like that. But not his daughter. But nothing like that. Yeah, he raped a girl. I mean, Roman Polanski did a really horrible thing. Jerry Lee Lewis. Didn't he marry his cousin?

Cousin. Yeah. That's different too, though. It's different too, though. This is, you're the parental figure. Yeah, the parental figure is a way more disturbing prospect. Yeah, man. That's the most disturbing.

Yeah, sure. That's the one that makes you just unforgivably disturbing. But the hot can't help what the hot wants. You know, that's what people will say. This is so gross. Well, and the wife, man, she seems like she's off the rails. Is this Mia Farrow? She seems off the rails.

She was banging Sinatra when she was like 15 as well. Well, her son is not Woody Allen's son. Her son is Sinatra's son. But that's like not confirmed though, right? Oh, it's totally confirmed Woody Allen's son. Her son is Sinatra's son. Wow. But that's not confirmed though, right? Oh, it's totally confirmed. It is? Look at him. Yeah. Pull up the picture. Mia Farrow's son is Sinatra's son. Wait till you see him.

All you have to do is look at him and you go, that is Sinatra. Now, how did she get hooked up with Sinatra? He was slinging dick. Okay. Oh! He's out there with the boys. Dino. Sammy D.

How much did he crush back in the day? Sinatra? He would have crushed me. I would have loved him. Oh, easy over here. That's fine. I'd be like, it's the commissioner. Fucking do him. You guys have a list?

Yeah, we're on the board. Bang. Sinatra. Dead guys. Yeah. Dead guys. Everyone dead. Puerto Ricans.

Everyone dead. Look at him. Just shut the fuck up. Oh, he's so handsome. Look at him. That is Frank Sinatra, dead guys. Yeah. Dead guy. Everyone dead. Puerto Ricans, everyone dead. Look at him. Just shut the fuck up. Oh, he's so handsome. Look at him. That is Frank Sinatra's kid. Totes. Period.

There's no Woody Allen in that. Look at that sexy bastard. He's gorgeous. Yeah. How they've blocked the director out of their lives. She, I wonder why. Handsome. Seems like you just want to leave him around with your kids.

Jesus. Especially once your kids became like 16, 17. And Asian. Flowery. I just want to touch her with my kids. Jesus. Especially once your kids became like 16, 17. And Asian. Flowery. I just want to touch you with my tongue. I wanted to lick the oils off of the painting.

Yeah, he's like, in that video of him doing stand-up, he's like so relishing in his perversions. Yeah. Yes. And he also seems like

really satisfied with himself. Very. It's weird. Do you know, he started so young. Get the fuck out of here. Oh, he's so cute. That kid is Mia Farrow and Frank Sinatra.

I mean, there is no Woody Allen in that motherfucker at all. No. Woody Allen started his career, Woody Allen started doing comedy, like writing as a comedy writer. He dropped out of college at the age of 20. He studied philosophy, and then he became a comedy writer. Dudes like him have just been grandfathered into showbiz. I was watching a documentary on Johnny Carson. Do you realize that Carson's been on television since television was invented?

In the Midwest, there was one TV station. Carson was on that from the time he was 18 years old. And then he's like, one day I got a call from NBC. And they were like, do you want a TV show? What's TV? Okay. And he's been on it since the very beginning. He was on it rather. He's dead now, obviously. He was a real antisocial

piece of shit at home. Like it totally ignored his wife and kids. Like he would come home and just sleep on the couch and be like, fuck off. Did you hear it? But he was so friendly out in the real world, like out, like in front of the camera. Do you think that maybe he just was overwhelmed by all the people that Tom, he was constantly seeing giant crowds of people and everybody, wherever he went,

he was like getting interviewed and people were coming up to him. That and I know that he had a very disapproving mother that his mother was like, he got the Tonight Show or something and his mom was like, eh, he got the tonight show or something. And his mom was like,

ah, big deal. Like you still suck. You're still not funny. So I think there was some of that always wanting mom's approval that, that hamster wheel. But that's even less reasonable then, because when I see people like that,

they know what it's like to have shitty parents. Right. They don't pay attention to their own kids. Like to do for you to perpetrate the same stupid shit that you went through because you're too dumb to figure out what fucked you up but isn't it's not what we talked about at the beginning of this show how if you're not cognizant of what decisions you're making if you don't if you don't know how to think then your whole life is in shambles around you did you hear about the johnny carson's book that uh just came out and it talks about him uh his ex-wife who I guess he was married to

this woman that cheated on him with Frank Gifford. What's her face? Kathy Lee Gifford's husband. What are we TMZ now? What the fuck? Well like Johnny Carson broke into his house or her house

and found all these photos of his wife and him together and had a gun in his pocket. And he like, this is all allegedly though, right? It's none of this was like, no, this is all,

this all, this is all really true. But how do you know? Because it like his friends are, were there and they're like Ed McMahon and stuff like that. And so Ed McMahon and him all went to a bar later that night and just got wasted. And then,

uh, I guess Johnny Carson took a girl home that night from the got wasted. And then I guess Johnny Carson took a girl home that night from the bar. Johnny Carson. Yeah, I don't know, man. That sounds like a lot of gossipy nonsense. May or may not have happened type shit.

But the guy obviously lived in a different era. Being famous before him, being that famous on TV didn't exist. And that sort of intimacy, what I was going to point out. Yes, you're right, you're right. Is that that intimacy of being in front of the camera every night like that. For decades. It's incredibly unusual.

Yeah. And so, like, everywhere he went, I guarantee you, people just wanted to be around him and thought that he was a part of their family. Sure, yes. They wanted to talk to him and grab him. And he was probably like, leave me the fuck alone. Sure. You know, Jesus Christ.

And so that's probably when he went home. He probably had nothing left for his wife and kids. Yeah. Absolutely, yeah. And then he might have married a cunt and his kids might have been shitheads. I mean, I don't know what the fuck happened. Guy lost a lot of money. Yeah.

Guy lost a lot. Don't put that up, man. He had a few wives. Guy lost a lot of fucking money. Yes. Big time. Divorces will get you, right? Nine figures, I think.

His divorce was one of the things that Eddie Murphy talked about on stage in Raw. Remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. His divorce was so bad that Eddie Murphy talked about it on stage. It's bananas. You know? Yeah. Yeah.

Half. He took some hits, you know, and who knows? Who knows what kind of a woman he married? Who knows? Yeah, who knows? She might have been a sweetheart. I don't know. Who knows? His sons were like, married. Yeah, who knows. She might have been a sweetheart. I don't know. Who knows?

His sons were like, yeah, we only went on vacation once, and dad ignored us. And you're like, oh, my God. It sucks. And here you think, oh, he must be so great. Johnny Carson's your dad. You know, you just think. I don't know. One of the weirdest things.

You idealize those things, you know? One of the weirdest things must be, like, be the son of a movie star. Yeah, right. Especially back in those days. Oh yeah. I don't know. Like I saw something

about Steve McQueen or honoring Steve McQueen. They had Steve McQueen's son. Steve McQueen's son's wearing sunglasses. They're interviewing

him and he's wearing sunglasses and he's inside, which is always like, what are you doing? The fuck are you doing? Unless you have a

medical condition. Why do you have sunglasses on? It's just weird, you know? No matter how big a star you are too, you still go like, unless you're a medical condition. Why do you have sunglasses on? It's just weird. No matter how big a star you are, too. Unless you're black. Black guys can pull it off.

They can. They just can. I don't know why. Purple and orange, too. They can pull off everything, yeah. Well, they can definitely pull off wearing sunglasses. Yeah. You're right.

And those suit colors. Why can they do it? I don't know. I was just saying they're so strong. They're so physically imposing. Tommy, that's actually quite racist to say that. Yes. No, it's true.

I support it 100%. I back my thought on that. It's also racist to imply they have big dicks. It's also racist to imply that they like chicken and watermelon. That's kind of fucked up because both chicken and watermelon are delicious and having a big dick is a good thing. Awesome. And so is being really good at sports and physically strong. So why is it that it's a problem?

I think the people that really take issue with that are always taking issue with the fact that the implication and that what some people are getting from that is that that's the only thing that somebody black is good at or something that you can be impressed with is that that's the only thing that somebody black is good at or something that

you can be impressed with is that they're, you know, the great entertainer or the big dick guy or they jump fucking through the roof. And you go,

no, that's not true. I'm not saying it's the only thing. I'm saying that's what I enjoy the most about those black guys

is that that guy can jump through the fucking roof. That's what you enjoy the most about him. Sure. What am I getting out of fucking LeBron James?

How much of the, how much of reality was there to what Jimmy the Greek got in trouble with saying? Here's the thing, my argument on that.

What did he say? Tell people what he said. Jimmy the Greek was calling a game and he said, I think the actual quote was, look at that little monkey go. Oh, I remember this story.

Of course, I mean, you say it, and you're like, that is unacceptable. But there was basically people were, well, pull it up. Pull it up. Jimmy the Greek comments that got him fired. It's on YouTube. Yeah. It's apparently, oh, he's dead. What year did this take place?

This had to have been, I want to say 1988. I thought it was earlier. I thought it was early. Was it 88? Yeah, 1988, an embarrassed CBS fired a contrite Jimmy the Greek. Was asking questions about Martin Luther King's birthday and the progress blacks have made in society. This is not what I was talking about.

CBS sports commentator Jimmy the Greek Snyder gave his impressions of blacks in coaching in the National Football League. His answers could raise as much controversy as the statements by former Dodgers executive Al Campanus last April on ABC's Nightline News program. Pretty soon they're going to have to equalize it for the blacks, for the Greeks, the Jews, and for everybody. I mean, let's make it equal for everybody well they've got everything if they take over coaching like everybody wants them to there's not gonna be anything left for the white people I mean all the players are black I mean the only thing that the whites control is the coaching jobs I'm not being derogatory about it, but that's all that's left for them. Black talent is beautiful. It's great.

It's out there. The only thing left for the whites is a couple coaching jobs. Maybe we need to get more black coaches. It's alright with me. I'm sure that they'll take over that pretty soon too. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm talking about his in-game comment. Isn't there a comment?

He got fired for that? No, no. No, that doesn't seem right. I think there's probably another video. There's an in-game... He's calling a game. And there's a guy... I don't know. That's what I thought. Well, he was saying something about their butts being higher and their legs

being longer. Remember that? I actually, no. For me, I don't remember it happening. I remember learning about it. And I thought it was the in-the-game comment that got him the most in trouble. I mean, obviously he could have gotten in trouble

for what he said there. Yeah, but why would he get in trouble for what he said there? Well, I think the implication... This would be it. Come on, Friday afternoon here in Washington. No, I think the implication... That's what this would be. Thank you. That's not going to be it. Come on, Friday afternoon here in Washington. No, that's Brett Musburger's commentary on him getting fired. That's not it.

Okay. Because, well, what that implies, that's kind of, like, attached to the idea that, like, black guys couldn't be quarterbacks. Like, they could play every other position. Wait a minute, he didn't say that, though. No, no, no, I'm saying, but the... the it's i think connected to the the same point of view which was that quarterbacks had to be smart and then coaching is is thought of as the total mental that's not

what he was saying though he was saying that black guys are taking over every spot they were saying that black guys are going to be every player and they're eventually going to take over coaching too right he said they were eventually going to take over coaching too. He said they were eventually going to take over coaching too. He's very specific. And if they did, there'd be nothing left for the whites to do. Yeah. I mean, he's being honest. I mean, look, it's not saying that white guys can't do it,

but he's saying that the majority of the people are going to be black. That's what he's saying, that they're dominating. He's right. He is right. So how is that controversial? Well's saying that they're dominating he's right he is right so how is that controversial well i suppose they also said during the slave period the slave owner would breed the big black that's not that time this is but what i'm saying is that time right there nothing he said was controversial that was the thing that was controversial and that's what i was going to ask you about when i said do you think that what he said has merit that they bred people to be the largest slaves definitely they definitely did that yes and i think proven i i think that that definitely

happened and i think you definitely see um the like results of that in today's population in some way there's there's no way you can look at some of the African American, the black population, and not actually think that there's some validity to superbreeding having taken place. I think there's a disproportionate

amount of unbelievably athletic huge black athletes. You think the Asians were bred small then? No. But they weren't slaves over here. It's disproportionate.

But if you look at England, and that's a population that's been bred in and of itself. Yeah. And they're very pasty. Well, what they know for a fact, yeah. Well, that's also the weather they're dealing with. They're pasty because there's no sun. No sun.

They've been there for thousands of years. Yes. And that's a really involved situation. Those people have been there a long-ass time. The problem with that slavery thing, or saying that slaves created great athletes, is that white people said it before, and it was always a problem.

But then in recent recent years and i think the last person to say it was michael johnson the last prominent black guy to say it our former olympic gold medalist he was like yeah absolutely that's a a valid point of view to take yeah that we have some super athletic gene in some of us yeah well, well, if you were going to own slaves, too, it only makes sense. People who own dogs do that. Right. People who own roosters, like fighting roosters,

they do that, too. They lead the best with the best. You've been doing that forever. You can't look at it from like a, whether it's humanitarian or politically correct to say, you look at it like, well, imagine you're trying to get production out of humans, and you see one that's really built and strong and you see another and you go you too you're gonna make kids yeah yeah sure and why wouldn't those genes then be passed on for generations yeah for

sure i mean it seems like it makes sense to me i don't have proof of it but to me too slave genes myth must die michael johnson links african--American sprinters to slavery and revisits a particularly ugly pseudoscience. But why is that so ugly? Particularly ugly. As a historian, I find to be stunning about what he said. The claim of supremacy of black athletes in track had never been discussed openly before. Actually, with his words, Johnson plunged himself into a century-old debate that seems to rear its rather ugly head every four years.

It's not ugly. Just in time for the opening of the sport's largest global stage, Johnson supported his theory with the examples of men's 100-millimeter finals in the Beijing Olympics. Three of the eight finalists came from Jamaica, including a record-breaker winner Usain Bolt, two from Trinidad, African Americans Walter Dix and Doc Patton, and Dutch sprinter Charande Martina,

who hails from Curacao, rounded out the line. Racial assumptions don't work easily, as simply noting that four years ago, all eight finalists in the quest to be the world's fastest men likely had ancestors who were slaves Because race is well never simple. What the fuck is that but rather works as an ambionic? Amoebic amoebic identity formation that change changes throughout history It's a social construction deeply entangled with the definitions of class, gender, sexuality, and so on. This guy, whoever

wrote this, is an intellectual dodo. Oh, it's a woman. It's a woman. That's a dodo statement. Yeah. That's a statement where you're just not being honest about something and you're trying to be massively politically correct in spite of the preponderance of information. And you don't follow sports. If you wrote that, you don't follow. You don't

know what's going on in major sports. Do you think it's a black woman or a white woman who wrote that? White woman. Yeah. You think so? I think so. She's so afraid

of political incorrectness. Yes. Just like the white woman that gets offended at every, for everybody else at the show. Yeah. Oh, the righteous indignation. That was racist,

what you said. Isn't that fascinating? Yes. How dare you say that? They'll say that to you about like whatever. It could be a Mexican joke. Ding, ding, ding. We gotta win. Of course it is. Liberal. They'll say that about a Mexican

joke and there'll be a Mexican guy high-fiving you about it. He's like, that's just true. And she's like, that is not acceptable. The white people are the racial police for everybody else, don't you know? Yeah, well, there's a lot of white. White guilt is as real as fuck. Yes. White guilt is as real as fuck. Yes.

The white guilt is so real. Oh, totally. And the need to get brownie points from black people is so huge. I totally do, too. And from other fellow progressives. And I want to say. You do, too? What?

I totally, I love black approval. Like, when a black person. Tom and I always talk about how good we feel when, like, a black person's like, you're really funny. You're like, oh, my God, I'm really funny. Yeah, but that's not meaning that you distort reality in the form of journalism to try to like... Negative. Like what that woman said in that article, the way she's saying it, it's like, that's such a nonsense statement. I'm not sure I even understand her immediate anything.

I don't even want to understand it. How does it rear its ugly head, first of all? Saying someone because of slavery is fucking awesome at athletics. Last time I checked, being awesome at athletics is really good. Correct, yes. And there have been, for sure, some horrible things that have happened. Like, for instance, my people, Sicilians. If you look at that whole movie, True Romance,

that was the whole scene where Christopher Walken and... What the fuck is his name? The dad. God damn it. I know the daddy. He goes, your great great grandmother. The guy from Easy Rider. Yes.

Whose name I don't remember. Dennis Hopper. Dennis Hopper. Dennis Hopper. Dennis Hopper. That whole eggplant discussion. It's true. The Moors raped all the people.

Yeah. That's why my people are savages. That's why they have dark hair. But I think it's people's inability to grasp reality and the brutality of shit that's actually happened. It's because it's associated with something ugly. Slavery was an ugly practice. For sure.

And people are so terrified of it. Right. You're connecting something awesome, but coming from something ugly, with being a part of that ugly thing. Right. You're connecting something awesome coming from something ugly with being a part of that ugly thing and that accusing someone of being awesome because of that somehow or another

diminishes their accomplishments. But scientifically and statistically when you're looking at, again, one-tenth of the population is black but 90% of the sprinters are black. Maybe more. Maybe more. That's one where they just completely dominate. How about football players?

Football is probably like 65% to 70%. That's pretty high. And basketball is probably 85% to 90%. And boxing. Boxing is like there's Mexicans and there's a few Filipinos. A couple Russians. A couple Russians and a scattered white guy that fucking didn't have a good dad. Yeah.

Other than that, it's a lot of black people. I mean, it's a really dumb thing to pretend that that's not the case. Black people in the United States have stopped playing. There's a lot less interest in the black culture for playing baseball. Yeah. But not in Latin America. And guess what? Fucking black Latinos.

Yeah. Incredibly dominant baseball players because that's the major sport. Sure. Soccer. I mean, you look at black, a ton of black people that are Brazilian. Hey, lady bitch.

Oh, my God. Come on, son. They fucking dominate that shit. How about MMA fighters from Brazil? There's a shit load of black MMA fighters from Brazil. Yep. That are excellent. Even golf.

Yeah, there's that one. Hello. That one guy's pretty good. The one guy dominates that whole thing, right? That one guy's not doing so good anymore. Yeah, he's not. But he still, he still. Just got crushed by the media. He still racked his confidence.

Was not the best. That was, we were just talking about. The best? You liked it? How crazy that scandal was. I did, because at the time I was a writer on Chelsea Lately, so it was like. It was a windfall. Yeah, it was like manna from the. Yeah, that scandal was. I did because at the time I was a writer on Chelsea Lately so it was like... It was a windfall. Yeah, it was like manna from the

tabloid gods. But it was so crazy that the guy, the nerdy golf player was pulling so much puss. I honestly think they are. Yes, probably. I think they're men. They're men. They're rich,

famous athletes. Those guys are so baller. The amount of money that those big-time pro golfers make, even a person that is doing well can't relate to the amount of money that Tiger Woods has made. Tiger Woods has made a billion dollars off

knocking a ball into a hole in the dirt. I don't think anybody can ever understand the appeal of a million dollars on a bimbo. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Right. A billion?

Right. Is it off the charts? Off the charts. A guy who makes billions knocking ball and just likes to sling dick? That's so great. Yeah. The way I described it, I said that he looked like a really unfortunate looking but wildly successful man who was

attacked by sluts if he right sluts were fleas he would need a collar yeah and i'm not slut shaming no no no but just pro-sex they should be able to do whatever they want to do but just be able to as a story it's a bad word maybe slut let's take it away um you know what though i'm kind of free girl i'm kind of opposed to gold digging, though. I feel like it's... Opposed to it? I don't like it. As a woman, I want us to be better.

I'd like us to be contributors to society. I'd like us to win Nobel Prizes and not take rich guys' money for sex. I just don't. Well, there's a... I mean, for sure, there's a lot of men out there that are taking someone's money, too. There's gold diggers that are men. I know gold diggers that are men that have wives that are rich and famous. They don't do shit.

Disproportionate. Not famous, rather, but rich and successful, I should say. Yeah. Yeah, it is disproportionate. But weak people are weak people everywhere you go. There's always someone who wants someone to take care of them. The sons of rich men are oftentimes just as bad as a gold digger. Right. of rich men are oftentimes just as bad as a gold digger. Like having no desire to achieve or perform anything, a delusional perception of reality,

a delusional idea of what their own value is because they don't really contribute. They just were given a free ride, so they never developed a character. An unbelievably, like a really nice free ride where they feel very entitled to everything. Much like when I said that you can't ever say that comics can't have a successful relationship because you guys can do it. You can never say that you just, you can't say that

there's always going to be a group of people in any gender, whether it's transgender, whether it's gay, there's always going to be a group of people that just fail. There's going to be a group of women that fail, a group of men that fail. There's going to be people that just don't get their shit together, don't ever self-actualize, don't ever pursue their dreams, don't ever get involved with anything they truly love. It's going to happen, but there's always going to be people that do. There always have been,

from Amelia Earhart to, you know, fill in the blank. Yeah. All throughout history. There's always been women that have figured out a way to achieve and do things that they really, truly enjoy doing. Like our flight attendant. Oh, no. Stop now. Stop. The hijacker? I heard of him.

The hijacker. We got hijacked. We got hijacked for the longest time I've ever been hijacked as an adult. Oh, no. Tommy and I were having a fun little conversation. And we ordered a little glass of wine because we're gentlemen and we're on a business trip. We decided to have a little wine. And we're sitting there and the woman came over and she made a joke about the temperature of the wine.

And I made the mistake of going, is it like you're apologizing and it's too cold? That's funny. I've never heard anybody apologize that wine is too cold. She goes, oh, well, if you remember the scene from Sideways, I've never really been much into wine. The only time I drink wine is in church, but there's a funny thing about wine. I knew a guy, and the guy was a wine connoisseur,

and they brought him a bottle of wine and said, should we put this in the refrigerator? He screamed, don't you touch it and put it in the refrigerator. Don't you put a hand on that wine and bring it in the refrigerator. I thought it was so funny, but of course I don't drink. The only time I drink is a drink. And it went on and on and on. Yes.

To the point where I was lucky because I was in the window. So I just abandoned Tommy. I lifted up the window and I just abandoned Tommy I lifted up the window and I put my face to the glass and then I reached into my laptop bag but I pulled out pulled out my notepad and I started writing down and I wrote in my notepad that flight attendant won't shut the fuck up yeah I wrote that in my notepad I started writing it in front of her too and then yes well first of all she came out when she, she goes, do you want something to drink? I said, yeah.

Do you have Pinot Noir? Which is not that crazy to say. Sometimes they go, no, we have Cab. We have something. Yeah, won't shut the fuck up. Oh, that's great. I was like, this has to be addressed. When I said, do you have Pinot Noir?

She goes, excuse me? And I go, Pinot Noir? She goes, do you think you're in Lyon, France? Yeah. And I was like, no. It's not even fancy. Yeah, it's not crazy. And she was like, we got red or white.

And I was like, all right, red. And then when she came back, it was sideways. It was the sommelier at Macy's who, when I worked at the hospital, they brought him the wine. And he said, should I chill this? And, they brought him the wine and he said, should I chill this? And he was like, I'm not going to chill.

And we're talking about the most boring sentences. Oh, yeah. These were incredibly boring sentences. The worst. Oh, God. When she left. And you're trapped.

When she left, and we go like, what the fuck was that? She left. She came back and I just made eye contact. I just looked up. She goes, did you go like, what the fuck was that? She left. She came back, and I just made eye contact. I just looked up. She goes, did you ever see the movie Simon? And I was like, uh-uh.

She was like, my favorite scene in that is a wine scene. And I was like, all right. She goes, and this is when I zoned out. She was like, Bruce Willis and whatever actor. And she was like, and they knock over it all the wine fall. I thought it was a great scene. And I was like, yeah. She wouldn't stop

and you know what's really fascinating before this happened before this happened Tommy nailed her personality because we we may or may not have had

before we got on that plane and so we were it was just starting to kick in in mid flight and he goes you know what I think I think that they put her on this small plane because she can't work well with others. Oh, right.

And that the other students don't like working with her, so they stick her on these small planes because she doesn't want to be around anybody. She's probably been doing this a long time, and they know she doesn't work well with others. And then she came over and just right away gave us the ferocious ear-beating. And I was like, she's right. Yes, it was an ear beating. She gave us an ear beating on shutting off the phones, too. Like everything was an ear beating. Held up her phone.

Yeah. I pressed this button. And we didn't have our phones on. It's not like we were resisting. We shut our phones off. But she did it for the whole thing. Like, this is what I want you to do. You see this button.

I want you to press this button. Not in airplane mode, folks. Not in airplane mode. I want you to shut this button. If you have an iPhone, I want you to slide that over that says shut it off. And, I mean, she's going on and on and on. It's taking a long-ass time. And if you wanted to read a book or if you wanted to, you know,

listen to your iPod, that's not happening. No, you're dealing with this nonsense yeah you're dealing with and you can't even fight against that nonsense because if you argue at all about anything they kick you off the plane yep she's got the power it's over i had a friend get kicked off the plane because he was upset that they didn't find a seat for his son next to him like they didn't find anybody that was willing to move it was an hour and a half flight from san francisco to seattle it's a quick ass flight and they you know he said is there is it Like, they didn't find anybody that was willing to move. It was an hour and a half flight from San Francisco to Seattle. It's a quick-ass flight.

And they, you know, he said, is it possible? She was like, sir, we've tried. There's nothing we can do. He goes, I have a five-year-old, though. Like, why did you guys sell me a ticket? I told you he was five years old. You can't have a five-year-old sit by himself. He's terrified of flying in the first place.

Like, all I'm asking is someone, if you ask if someone could switch seats. And she said, sir, I've tried. There's nothing we can do. Please take your seat. And he was like, you guys are the most unfamily-friendly airline. Like, you guys are horrible. I can't believe you're doing this.

So that's all he says. He goes and sits down, and the fucking captain comes up to him. Says, sir, you're going to have to come off the same. They say you're aggressive, and you're... And he was like, what? He goes, you must be joking. He goes, all I asked is if they could find a seat for my son.

I didn't use profanity. I didn't raise my voice. I said, you guys are the most unfamily-friendly airline that I've ever seen. That's all I said, because you weren't even willing to look for someone. And they kicked him off the plane. Got to get off, yep. And he was like, I can't believe this. He goes, I'm not aggressive.

But we saw that. Was it you and I that saw that? Crazy. Who to get off, yep. And he was like, I can't believe this. He goes, I'm not aggressive. But we saw that. Was it you and I that saw that? That's crazy. Who did we see? Were we on a plane? We saw two guys arguing about the bin. I don't know. Were you with me on that one?

I don't think. I've seen two people kicked off planes. It might have been Ari. I've seen a lady get kicked off for having attitude about her whole day. She was like, you put me later on this shit, and now I'm here, and I'm talking about that. And she was was like, you put me later on this shit and now I'm here and she was just complaining,

complaining, complaining and she was, I think, aggressive speaking to them. Boom. Boot. And I saw one who got kicked her whole family off

and she had small children. She was breastfeeding one of them and they were like, we're going to taxi now and you need to... Why'd she get kicked off? She gave the lady attitude about, the flight attendant attitude, when the flight attendant asked her,

I don't know if she asked her to stop breastfeeding while we were in a taxi. Oh, come on. But she told her, like, you know, why don't you just worry about the drinks while I'm breastfeeding? And they were like, uh-uh. And then we stopped. And they actually, that one one they had police come out To the to the point even go back the police came out they opened the door. I think they just get off on the power

Absolutely, I think sometimes I think sometimes they they absolutely Want to protect themselves and they have to you know, you can't have somebody who's a actual threat right the flight but I think I think there's definitely a thrill in knowing that if somebody gives you kind of a little jab kind of a little attitude you can be like I could fuck up your day right now yeah pretty pretty badly too and I can justify it and we were talking about that that this ability to hijack you is kind of the same thing because in a normal scenario you don't have to listen to this person. You're not stuck in a chair,

literally strapped in with a fucking belt. Yeah. You have to listen. Right. And they can just hover over you and just shit in your face. Yeah. That's why you put your headphones on

and your hood and your glasses. Yeah, but you can't do that in the middle of a conversation. When you're having a conversation with another guy, and then you're having a wine, and then all of a sudden, boom, you're stuck. The glasses. I don't know if you remember. The glasses were these. They were like tasting glasses. They were very small.

Very small. And the first time, I had two sips, and it was empty. And she goes, do you want a refill? And I go, yeah. She goes do you want a refill and I go yeah and she goes we got a couple of drinkers up here and I was like

it's kind of like you know I can see a certain person not me personally but I can see that comment really setting somebody off

the outside implication of like we got a couple of drunks I don't want to say anything more than that no no no need to say

any more than we already said. We already got too cruel. Poor lady. She's lonely. She wants to talk to people. Jesus Christ. And it's also because you've had. We're a couple of assholes.

That's okay. You're an asshole. I'm an asshole. I feel all right about it. But don't you think it's an inability to read social cues? Yes. Oh, there's no doubt. She has no doubt.

Zero ability. She wasn't good at it. Or she didn't care. She just wanted to talk. Yeah. You know? Who knows? You know, a lot of people, by the way, are a little pilled up and they don't even know

that you don't want them to talk to you. Like there's some, everything's going to be okay, folks. There's a few of those people that are antidepressant to fuck up. Yes. Super duper common. If you look at the number of prescriptions sold, the number of antidepressant prescriptions that are sold in this country every year, it's staggering. I believe it's like 30 million. 30 million people.

Let's see how many people are on antidepressants. Let's just guess. I'm saying it's about 30 million. Yeah. I think, remember that book Prozac Nation? Was that in the 90s? That's when they started it. It's exploded.

And like everyone was on Prozac then. It's exploded. It's such a huge industry. I know a It's exploded. And like everyone was on Prozac then. It's exploded. It's such a huge industry. I know a handful of people. I have a friend on Prozac. Yeah. Good guy too. Great guy.

Astounding increase in antidepressant use by Americans. A Harvard University study. Harvard Health publications from Harvard Medical School. Or you could just smoke weed, right? People 12 and over increased by almost 400%. Wow. Between

1988 to 1994 and then from 2005 to 2008. That's incredible. Holy shit. 23% of all people on antidepressants are women in their 40s and 50s. No, no, no. Excuse me.

23% of women in their 40s and 50s are on antidepressants. Wow. That's menopause time. That's one in four. Yeah. But that makes sense. 23%. Holy shit.

You're saying you're going through the change of life. A higher percentage than any other group by age or sex. Just stop and think about that. 23% of women in their 40s and 50s are on a pill that keeps them happy. Statistically, there's a really good chance that our flight attendant is one of those people. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

That's what I'm saying. Look, I had a friend that was on it, and one of the things he said to me was that when he was on it, nothing bothered him. He was on Zoloft, and he was like, nothing bothers me. Nothing confates me nothing everything's fine nothing bothers me yeah and those kind of people they don't they don't see things coming they don't see so they're not aware that they're being weird i wonder what it would be interesting obviously it won't happen but to hear what her version of that dialogue would be you know i what I mean? It's also kind of like,

it was great to talk to those guys. So much fun. These two guys were drinking wine. We had a great conversation. They love me. They love my fucking anecdotes about sideways. I told them the sideways story and never seen two guys have a better time in a flight.

I mean, they were pretty, they were pretty into the fucking bottle. One of them had two drinks. The other one had about five. Maybe a total of four ounces. They were really little glasses. A sipping glass. Of wine.

Okay, we got a couple of drunks in the fourth row. I don't know if that was what was going on, if she was on antidepressants, but I do know that she wasn't good at reading shit. Negative, no.

You meet people like that all the time. Yes, I'm related to a few. So the question is, should she have to completely revamp her life, get her shit together, change her diet, start exercising, start taking care of her health, start applying different philosophies to her life at X years of age, an advanced age? Or should she just take a fucking pill? What makes her happier?

Right. Exactly. Yes. I don't know. Life doesn't live forever definitely there's definitely an easier path and a seems like a little more resistance in another path

that other path seems like a pain in the dick yeah take one of these less than a third of Americans who are taking a single antidepressant as opposed to two or more have seen a mental health professional in the past year. So people are just taking the pills. Yeah.

I'm fine. That's scary without any kind of supervision. I'm a mental health professional. Yes. And as are you. You guys provide mental health relief in the form of comedy. That's true. I'm a mental health professional from now on.

I feel good about it. I've never done them, but I hear it. I think we're distributors of mental health. For sure, yeah. But I hear it can be helpful, like, if you're going through some really depressing time, just to kind of allow you to get some distance to get clarity on the issue. I mean, again, I've never— Oh, like a pill can help you?

Yeah, like, let's say something really tragic, like your spouse dies, dies and you can't even go on. I guess it helps to give you some kind of perspective. Well, you know what's one of the best for that? Bless you. Yeah. You know what the best is? Thanks. Ecstasy.

Yes. MDMA is incredible for that. For grief? Yep. Really? For grief, for post-traumatic stress. I didn't know that. Yeah.

For people with PTSD, for people who've been victimized, for people who have had horrible things happen to them, they say it's an almost immediate and really like fulfilled relief. Like it's not just a temporary relief. It's a relief where you gain perspective on like maybe you know had a terrible breakup and you take ecstasy. And whatever reason, it allows you to see things in a different way where you forgive. That's interesting. I had no idea. Yeah, it's supposed to be amazing for that. It's supposed to be amazing for stress too, for soldiers and shit. Yeah.

Soldiers coming back from the war with PTSD. That's a huge problem. Duncan, you know, put it in perspective first. He goes, you think about how many people are over there that are experiencing things that no one here is seeing. And then they're going to come here and then they're going to try to integrate in society and get some shitty fucking job how and try to forget everything they did yeah try to forget all the killing dude i was only i went to afghanistan for two weeks like a couple years ago and just in two weeks being a spectator to a war just being a tourist and all of it was so you saw me when I came back, I was like shell shocked. I had to, I sat on my shrink's couch, like bawling. So you see, you know,

you tour the hospitals and you see little eight year old boys who fell into a fire and they're burned. Or you see 20 year old kids who stepped on IEDs and they lose their limbs or their faces are blown off. It's terrible. Yeah. It's really crazy. And I didn't even, I saw a fraction of it. You know what I mean? So imagine if you're there It's terrible. Yeah. It's really crazy. And I didn't even, I saw a fraction of it. You know what I mean? Yeah. So imagine if you're there doing a tour.

Yeah, you're doing it day after day. Oh my God. Years. Yeah, I mean, you know, war of, war tour,

not like a tour of performing. Well, that's why when that guy went over and he was suffering from PTSD and they wound up just murdering

a bunch of people and killed a bunch of civilians and they were like, this guy had been crying for help. Like this isn't like this guy had been talking about his PTSD, trying to get out of the arm and they sent him over there again. Yeah. And he just cracked. I mean, literally reached a point where he cracked and you can only see so much brutality so much before you lose your perspective, you lose humanity. We don't take care of that enough.

Yeah. And I'm not excusing what he did by any stretch of the imagination. What I'm saying is when something like that happens, you got to wonder like what makes a person capable of doing that? If they didn't do it, were they a psycho going in? Or do you make them a psycho? Does their experiences make them a psycho? Does the lack of feeling make them want to do something that shocks them? I mean, do they get to the point where they see so much killing and they've killed so many people that they're not even aware of what's real or what's not?

And how medicated are they? Are they medicated? Do we even know? But that's your job to kill people. Yeah. That's the crazy part is they're like, you're getting a paycheck to kill people. Yeah. That's a hard thing to wrap your head around as a civilian.

Yeah. U.S. soldiers, a hard thing to wrap your head around as a civilian. Yeah. U.S. soldiers, here we go. Oh, my life. U.S. soldiers are dangerously over. This is in this article, Natural News. Is that a real website? U.S. soldiers dangerously over-medicated with anti-psychotic drugs. Yeah.

So apparently there's a lot of them that they have like real issues with war and they give them prozac you need somebody you need to put people in there that um i'm saying like it's not for everybody you know like yeah i think that you should almost there should almost be a clause where like you can go and be like i can can't do this. And they should let you. This is NBC News. Heavily armed and medicated. That's on fucking Newsweek. Or NBC News, rather.

Wow. Yeah. Those guys. I feel bad for them. You should get a card. You get into the military and yell, yo, this isn't for me. Yeah, you should be able to. Here's the deal. It's not for anybody.

It's not for anybody, but there's some people that... You know what it is for? It's for psychos and people who think that it's something that it's not. And then when they get over there, they realize, oh, I'm not defending my country. I'm working for this brutal company that doesn't give a fuck about any people. It's comprised of people and yet it doesn't care about people. It just cares

about siphoning out money and distributing it to a few people that will never be over here killing people. That's the weirdest thing of all. When you look at the amount of money that gets siphoned out of war and then injected into the bank accounts of people that don't kill anybody, don't risk any life,

don't risk their health for a second, and they're living like fucking bankers. They're living like gangsters. They're, you know, if you look at the people that are making the most money out of war, I mean, it's quite shocking the amount of money that you can extract and never have to kill anybody. Yeah. That's why there will always be wars forever and ever. I don't know about that, man.

I don't know about that. I don't think, I think it's like, you know, you look at those pharmaceutical statistics and you realize that industry, that lobby is too powerful and it's too strong for it to get defeated. That's why those pills will be around. There'll be new pills. There'll be new drugs. War is such a profitable device that I don't think you could. I mean, idealistically, obviously, you don't want there to be wars, but I think that there's too much to be gained, unfortunately. I wonder. America, definitely.

Definitely. The country, definitely. Definitely. For sure? Yeah. So you think there's no way to fix it? Well, we're so into it. We're so enmeshed in it. Right, but how come we can fix it?

How about if we ran the world? If the world consisted of everybody in this room, I'm pretty sure no one's going to kill anybody. You might get mad at Brian if he fucking takes a picture of his penis over your forehead

while you're sleeping or something. Brian would be the one that would get attacked the first, I think. Yeah, he'd get attacked first. But I don't think we'd kill him.

No. I wouldn't murder him. No, I would just relegate him to some kind of job where he had no authority. Sex slave. If he wasn't hunting. Sex him. No, I would just relegate him to some kind of job where he had no authority. Sex slave. If he wasn't hunting. Sex worker.

No hunting for Brian. If he wasn't bringing in his food and he was eating all your food, you'd get a little annoyed. It's like, Brian, you haven't killed one rabbit. I tried. I sold my butthole. I was partying. I was at Olive Garden with my butthole. Joe, I see in your future, would you start a society like a compound where everybody hunts

their own food and grows their own food? Well, then they're going to come and get you. Nobody wants anybody to be self-sustaining inside this country. Who's going to get the government will shut down? Yeah, they'll Waco you. Yeah, that's so true. I forgot about that part. You could have a community, but they would infiltrate it.

The government would infiltrate it and then they'd find someone who's selling mushrooms. Someone and then they'd come in and bust it They don't the idea of someone gaining a stronghold on a group of people with a different ideology a non-supportive Ideology of the thing that's running the country right now. They're not down for that very true. Just natural It's natural to try to fight that off. Oh Sidebar have you seen sorry because I had a thought and i went i was driving on we were driving a downy like ages ago and uh there was a billboard for the marines and it was like mexican traditions be oh yeah be a good mexican be a marine and you're like whoa this

is so evil i think it said well you know i'm like and i It was a Mexican. And I'm like, wow, that is really sneaky. That's how you appeal to a poor young dude, right? Yeah. To live up to this ideal of manhood, of perceived. Well, all those commercials, they all appeal to your sense of wanting to be a great, impactful person, to be an adventurer, to be something, to be a warrior. Yeah. Someone who's noble. When they're that.

Stand there and slide that sword in. Yeah, it looks great, though, to an 18-year-old boy. Wouldn't he be like, fuck yeah, I want a sword. It's great to a 45-year-old man. Yeah. Who's smart enough to realize why it looks great. Yeah. Yeah.

When you see the propaganda, though, that's so guided towards a group that's not you is when you realize how much there's propaganda. Yeah. You know? Oh, yeah. You don't see it as propaganda when you see it as an act. You're like, oh, this is a thing. But then when it's so geared towards another group, you know, like that banking commercial we saw?

Oh, my God, that was ridiculous. And the girl comes home with her check, and she's speaking Spanish and English. This is just so to appeal to the Spanish-speaking. But it's such a... She speaks Spanish and English? Right. She gets home, and she's like,

Mira, I got my first check. No way. And they're like, Ay, que linda. She's so happy. And then she's like, Look at my check. He's like,

Ah, mira, lo está tomando. She takes a picture. She's taking a photo of her check. She's like, No, Iire, lo está tomando. She, like, takes a picture. She's taking a photo of her check. She's like, no, I'm making a deposit. And it's just like a Spanish-English conversation. And they eat tacos. Yeah, they're, like, making. They go to the bank.

Wow. So they're like, just in case some white people really love Mexicans, we'll throw a few English words in here. Yeah, yeah. And it's just like. I hate you fucking apes. Totally. Silly white people. This is not for you.

totally silly white people this is not for you it's supposed to like this is really supposed to be effective to the person who's Latino who's like

I don't trust banks and they're like this bank's pretty cool so it's just for a bank? yeah it's a it's a major bank you know so why's the bank

giving you money? what's the bank's giving you a check in the commercial? no the girls come home from her first she's got her first paycheck right

so she's just like I got my first paycheck. Oh, so she wants to put it in that bank. Right. Because it's the smart one. Yeah. It's the one that's going to take care of your money. Right, man.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir, yeah. Come on, take care of your shit, yo. Put your shit in the bank. Come on, don't be a fool. You got to save your money. Don't be a fool. Don't be a fool.

Hey, man, what's calculus? Yeah, you ever go to a neighborhood where all the signs are a different language? Yeah, we lived in one. We've lived in a couple. Where'd you live? K-Town. K-Town, and then we lived in basically little El Salvador, which is just adjacent. You guys were in the hood for a while, huh?

MacArthur Park. Bang, bang. We were in a real shithole when we got married. We were so broke when we got married. You heard bang bangs? Tommy, tell Joe your famous bang bang, what you were doing at the time. The worst bang bang one was like 2 in the afternoon. I'm sitting on our living room couch, which is basically you could just look right into MacArthur Park.

I'm sitting on the couch, pants down, jerking off to porn on my laptop. And I just hear like kaboom, and I just like fucking jump on the ground. Like I jump on the ground, full boner, like am I in trouble? Like it's so terrifying to be in that thought process and hear that loud, and I just, I pull my pants up,

and the first thing I do, you're not home, so I call our Jose, our whatever, he doesn't fucking listen to the show jose is uh the building you know manager yeah anymore now so i call him and he's like uh what's up and i go dude what the fuck was that and he goes what was what i go you didn't hear that shit he goes no i go sound like it was on my fucking like back like on my like on my balcony. No, I'm in the garage, man. I was like, all right. And I'm like, this is unbelievable.

And then two minutes go by. My phone rings. He's like, hey, yeah, man. I just talked to somebody. Somebody just got shot on the street out in front. That's what you heard. And then they shut down every fucking possible entrance to our street. every fucking possible entrance to our street.

And what happened was a guy went up to another guy, two in the afternoon, broad daylight, and put a.45, right, like pulled it out, shot him in the chest. Random? It was a gang thing. Oh. And then didn't even run.

He just waited there. Waited? Waited for the cops. To get arrested? I guess, yeah. There was a lot, a lot of gang shit in that neighborhood why did they uh wait did they want to go back to jail i don't know that part wasn't explained to me but the the shooting was like that you know the whole thing was that he just i think it was a marked guy like he had done something they were like this is retaliation oh living in a gang neighborhood it's not cool no what's neat though is that lapd installed these uh like sound devices

where they put them up on the light post or somewhere and they could actually track exactly where the bullet was shot from within a five mile radius so like that was kind of cool like they come five mile radius, I think it's that. That seems pretty big. That's huge. Well, I'm telling you. Yeah, look it up. I may be off on the...

Anyway, they could detect exactly where the bullet was coming from, apparently, in our neighborhood. One of our last nights was a celebratory night where we were on the roof. Holy shit, man. And it was a couple days after LAPD had... There was a drunk guy on 6th Street who was wielding a knife, and they lit him up. Salvadorian guy. Yeah, Salvadorian.

They shot him like fucking, I forget, it was like 13 or 22 times, like something crazy for this drunk guy with a knife. So they, El Salvadorian neighborhood, marched towards the Rampart Division police headquarters and it was bananas. So we're standing on the roof of our building and no shit,

there's like 20 police helicopters. Like usually there was one or two a night, every night. But like when you see 20, you're like, this is martial law.

Like it was, that neighborhood that night was unlike anything i've ever seen yeah wow well they shot him for no reason the guy they didn't shoot him for no reason he had a night but he was drunk he was i know he was like it's like fucking what he's supposed to do give him a book yeah give him a book teach him how to act right show him how to wash his ass with his hand but No, it was crazy. I mean, the whole thing was it is obviously excessive force. They're just happy to use their guns.

Yeah, they're excited. I have a reason to do it. Some asshole's got a knife. Let's light this dude up. He's got a family. Two miles. Two miles, alright. Two miles? Three miles off. That's still powerful. Pretty big, man. Yeah, that's not good. Brian Callen was on his street and his neighbor couldn't drive his car, couldn't figure out

why his car couldn't start, so he got his car towed, and they found a bullet in the engine block. What? And there was a shootout on the street, and a stray bullet slammed into his engine. Jesus. Yeah, that's when Brian was like, okie dokie, time to move. Yeah. And then a park where he used to take his daughter to play, a guy shot a guy there.

Cool. And I'm like, shot a guy there. Cool. Okay, fuck Venice. Great. Venice is great, though. That's what sucks about Venice. It has all of that, but it's also great. Cool restaurants and cool little art places. It's a funky...

I saw a poetry slam there once. Not that great. Sorry, I'm sorry. Not great. Have you been to the tasting kitchen there? In Venice? No, I don't know what that is. A restaurant. Oh, no, no, no. I've never been there.

Wait, let's play this. Poetry slams. What do you like less? Poetry slams or musicals? Poetry slams. Okay. Because at least musicals, somebody likes them. Right. You're pretending. So you remember when they have deaf poetry jam? Yes.

Oh, yeah. That was so awful. I stand, white man, in front of you, unconquered, on top of the universe. Is my soul eternal? Shall I reach a point, a pinnacle in my existence here in your white-dominated world? Can I, will I will I do I shall I that shit suck man that's what that shit had

there was a time with men like me did not have access to books or knowledge but now I thrive yeah there should be

in deaf poetry there should be a black guy in the fucking in the in the rafters with a mic who just gets

after everyone goes your shit was whack too man like just shits on everybody you know what's way worse than black guys in deaf poetry jams white guys white guys in deaf poetry jams

white guys trying to be black doing that yes rough here's the problem with those things the art form itself is incredibly unsatisfying

like all you're doing is saying things and you're trying to be profound. The only time anybody ever wants to hear anything like really profound like that is from someone who is an accomplished person. Right. Like if Russell Simmons went up

and gave a poetry slam about succeeding in business, then you would want to see like starting your own business. You're like, well, that's fucking awesome. Yeah, that's Russell Simmons and it's got some poignancy to it. But when you're some self-indulgent

fucking dickwad and you're just talking nonsense and strings. Those were, they were just so bad, dude. So bad.

Adolescent shit. And we already told you, you're good at sports. Just keep playing sports. What about the white people that are doing it? Run faster. Oh, here, we're going to see. Here's the white people that are doing it? Run faster. Here's a white guy.

It's George Watsky. Don't be mean to George. Poor George. We're about to crucify him right now. Oh Christ. It's embarrassing. White guy doing it. He's got a golf shirt on too. They're super friendly though. Because he's not like, I'm going to be funny.

So this is for those among us who got enough play through 12th grade to carry in an upside down teaspoon. For every kid with a collective romantic prowess of Steve Urkel, Richard Simmons and Screech from Saved by the Bell, this is the anthem

for those among us who got none in our formative years. And this poem is for every high school virgin who wouldn't have had it any other way you don't know the possibilities of a weekend until you've cracked a four-pack of juice squeeze with your boys bumped big papa and watched an entire star trek the next generation marathon for For me, Virgin was working, and I can see why Trekkies greet each other. Please stop this. I know, right?

Stop this. Stop this. I feel for that boy. You know what I would tell that boy? First, there's a bunch of things you've got to tell him. First of all, you're breathing heavy. He has to stop. The deliveries.

The Quentin Tarantino vibe should have stopped, too. And he's definitely not going to get laid after this. This thing that they do where they're in front of black people, they act black. Yeah, there's black diction. It changed the way he talks.

Yeah, yeah. Yes, yes. It changed the way he talks. And it wasn't this. It wasn't full bore, but it was pretty obvious. Oprah does that too. She should have just

thrown in a few more you know what I'm saying so it would definitely have been super black. You know what I'm saying? That would be so great. Then four juice boxes, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying that would be so great then four juice boxes you know what I'm saying

you know what I'm saying but that that thing that they do where I'm gonna tell you there's a way I gotta breathe then that

death slam stupid fucking breathing thing in between your overly contrived delivery it's so contrived I'll find one where

it's a girl talking about like an ex-boyfriend I like those pap bow my heart is broken on the floor he's sitting there like no more don't put another one on I'll find one where it's a girl talking about an ex-boyfriend. I like those. Pap! Pow! My heart is broken on the floor. He's sitting there like, ugh. No more.

Don't put another one on. I can't take it. I know. It's an awful art form. It is. We should just stop talking about something else. Because it's like stand-up with no punchlines delivered by a guy who sucks at stand-up. Right.

That's what it's like. I'm so excited for the amount of hate we will collectively receive for this. It's going to be brutal. Deaf poetry slam. Do you have any poems? Do you have any old poems that you wrote? No. How dare you rip off a deaf poetry slam?

Streets would all be cleaner. I forget how it worked. If I only had a gun. I wrote something. That's a good one. It was really terrible. I just think they're misguided, those people. 16 when I wrote it.

Which ones? The people doing that, I feel like you should tell them, you know what? You want to perform, and that's cool. This thing that you're doing, the whole thing sucks. So just get into a different art form. You chose the shitty thing. You know what it's like? It's like racing unicycles. Right. You chose the shitty thing. You know what it's like? It's like racing unicycles.

Right. Right. Unicycles are fucking stupid. This is lame. And racing them is even dumber. Right. Because they don't work right. They're terrible.

Get on a bike. The only way, the only reason anybody rides a unicycle is because they're a fucking attention whore. Right. Look at me. The wheel's this big and there's only one of them.

With the guy. With a parrot on. That guy we saw the other day. Right. Look at me. The wheel's this big and there's only one of them. With the guy. With a parrot on. That guy we saw the other day. Yeah. The parrot. The exotic animal guy. Yeah, just fucking walking around

in sweatshorts and a 6X shirt. We talked about this guy for five minutes. We looked at him out the window and we couldn't stop because we were inside a car

so we could abuse him without him hearing it. Of course. We just shat upon him for at least five minutes. On his lonely stroll that you know he does just for people to go, that guy's got a fucking bird. Snake people are like that.

Snake people. Snake people do that, yeah. How about people with ferrets? Oh, yeah, yeah. My ferret's on a leash. Yeah. It's coming with me. In Miami, who had the big lizard on his shoulder?

Same thing. But now that guy was smart because he was like, oh, you like this lizard? It's $20 to take a picture with it. Right, of course like oh you like this lizard it's 20 to take a picture right of course which he that's a good racket 20 to take a picture with it he hoses but see he picked south beach he picked a place where there's all these tourists and they're like this is some shit you would never see anywhere this is a guy we came from wisconsin we saw a guy you're not gonna believe this with a lizard on his shoulder yeah yeah he might have been the craziest thing I've ever seen.

We couldn't believe it. You should have came with us. He walked around like it was a dog. He didn't care. A lizard on your shoulder. Shoulder. White people. Walking down the street.

Silly white people. A boom pow. It's dead in my pee. Those are the kind of white people that you would target if you wanted to start a cult, too. Exactly. Type of white people. Bring it all back to Scientology. Yes. Those people, if you gave them a Dianetics book and started getting their email address

and sending them some shit, send them some pamphlets. Yeah. White people. Clearwater, Florida. Wow. You ever go down there? No. That's a Scientology stronghold.

My folks used to live there. They used to live in Clearwater. That's headquarters. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's world headquarters. Yeah. Yeah, that's the spot where they all decided.

It's the perfect level of intelligence. The average is way higher there of people that you can trick. I'm sure there's very smart people in Clearwater, Florida, but there's also a lot of serious dummies. You can get them. That's where the charlatans go, right?

You can get them. It's near Tampa.latans go, right? You can get them. It's near Tampa, which has a lot of, we talked about that, a lot of swingers. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, yeah. There was a club in Ocala that no longer exists that was run by swingers. A lot of swingers. Yeah. That part of Florida. Hey, what the hell?

Come on. You want to watch my wife and me fuck? Yeah. No. I'll pass. I was with Ari once, and we had a guy who drove us in Nashville, and he seemed like the most straight-laced guy until the last day. And the last day, as he's driving us to the airport,

he starts talking about swinging. He starts talking about the rules. He goes, next time you come here, I'll take you to a swinging club. And Ari and I were like, what? What are you talking about? And so then he starts telling us about the rules that they have.

Like, well, you know, we have rules. If I don't, I'm not comfortable about it, she doesn't go with the guy. And, you know, if she's not comfortable about it,

I don't go with the girl. Sometimes we watch each other, but most of the time I don't like watching. Yeah, man. That's a lot. Would you ever share Christina with a... Oh, we already do. Oh, yeah, cock holding? Oh, okay, yeah. That's a lot. Would you ever share, Christina?

Oh, we already do. Oh, yeah, cock holding? Cuck hold. Tom loves it. Cuck holding. Where's that word originate from? Shakespeare, yeah. Is it?

I'm sure. It sounds like an old-timey English word. It does sound old-timey, but I don't know if it is. I bet you like codpiece and cuck holding is Shakespearetimey, but I don't know if it is. I bet you, like, codpiece and cuckolding is shared. Cuckold in the Wikipedia. Okay. Historically, it's historical, historically referred to a husband with an

adulterous wife and still often used with this meaning in evolutionary biology, the term cuckold is applied to males who are unwittingly investing parental effort in offsprings that are not genetically their own. Wow, that's deep. Wow. So if you're a stepfather, you're a cuckold.

Since the 1990s, the term has been wildly used to refer to a sexual fetish in which the fetishist is stimulated by their committed partner choosing to have sex with someone else. So for some men, they get their rocks off that way, but the original verb, the original description of it, I guess it could be a verb as well, right? Cuckolding? Sure. You're cuckolding? Sure.

Would you ever do that? Never. Okay, first appeared in 1250. Look at this. 1250. 1250 in a satirical and polemical poem, The Owl and the Nightingale. Wow. There you go.

The term was clearly regarded as embarrassingly direct as evidence in John Lydgate's The Fall of the Princess in 1440. The late 14th century, the term also appeared in Geoffrey Chaucer's Miller's Tale. That's interesting. Shakespeare's poetry often referenced cuckolds. Ding, ding, ding. You nailed it. Winner, winner. You're smart.

Why are you married to him? Thank you. Is that how you guys get along? Because you're so smart? Give me my reward. Is that how we get along? You're smart? It's her boobs.

Totally. It's my boobs. Do, do, do, is that what we get along? You're smart. It's her boobs. Totally. It's my boobs. Do it when I, when I speak, you just hear like, like chimp squeaks. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. There's other words, words for it. There's a, there's cuckold in Bulgarian. Oh. Um, in Bulgarian.

It's a, well, I tried it. It doesn't even have English words or letters. So I don't know what the fuck. How do you say this? P-O-R-C-H-O-C-H-E and the number four. You know, it's like a lowercase four.

It says, literally, one who wears horns. One who wears horns. The act of being unfaithful is called C, the number five. Jeez, boys. A-R. Carnipora. Literally, to attach horns.

Vietnamese is bai cam sung. Bai cam sung. Get attached to it. It's all horn. It's all the word horn. More pressure. What's that? Massage? More pressure.

Which area? You're too strong. You're very strong. You like pressure. They have in Greek. It's a totally different language. It's impossible. K, number three, backwards. P, A, T, A. Letter that doesn't exist. meaning the horned one. Yeah.

Wow. So what is that? What is that fucking fetish guys would want? To be shamed, I'm assuming. I have a friend who went to a party and a man made his wife blow him. The man watched and was giving instruction on how to blow him. Wow. Jeez Louise.

Your friend was the one who did this? My friend was sitting outside on a porch at a party, and this woman was blowing him while the husband was sitting next to the woman giving directions. Wow. That's so crazy. Yeah, I was like, whoa, dude. That's so intense because I feel as though that might violate some trust. Did you think?

Wait a minute. I love you. I don't want you to do that. Well, I don't think it's just that. I mean, it was weird for my friend who was a single guy to get head from some guy's wife while the guy is saying, rub his balls, rub his balls. Oh, my life. He's giving him direction

like cradle his balls cradle his balls work the shaft work the shaft is he gonna come is he gonna come take it in your mouth take it in your mouth oh my god the whole deal yeah there's free coming around coming around and the guy my friend was like oh my god what he goes i started started out like ridiculous and he goes but then like like when the guy was like giving instruction he goes he just got really gay and weird and it was all so off. Yeah. The guy was liking it. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the whole, the payoff, right? That's the payoff for him. That's why he does it. He likes his wife sucking a cock. Wow. Right in front of him. Yeah.

Well, I guess it's like that forbidden thing. It's like we were talking about at the beginning about porn. The gagging and two dicks in the ass. Yeah.

It's forbidden. Right, the taboo. You would never teach your wife how to suck a cock in front of you, would you? Yeah, I would. I'm going to fucking tell her she's going to suck a cock

and I'm going to tell her what to do. Yeah. I'm going to tell this bitch what to do. You suck her cock. Roll those balls. Oh, roll those balls, you dirty bitch. I would laugh so hard if you did that.

Could you imagine? I wouldn't be able to do it. I'd be like, oh yeah? Could you just imagine what the fuck that would be like? No. No. Jesus. No. No. But there's people

like way crazier shit. There's a super bond between husband and wife. I cannot. Not with this cuckold group. Not with the cuckolds. Or swingers. No. You know, you've seen, because I'm sure you've been, like, I've had couples that are always never attractive come up to you and they're like what's up like we're gonna go out and have a good time do you want to join us and you feel that like

you know that invitation oh yeah and i'm like just come out with us it'll be a great time we're gonna hit this crazy club and like check out my wife's tits and like you know yeah they're putting it out there like you know you can come party with us you know i've been weird we've been together now for almost eight years, and the thought of being naked with somebody different is so crazy to me. You haven't seen Brian naked. Yes, yes, yes.

You don't want that? I can't imagine that. How dare you? Of course. How dare you turn your back on that? Wonderful opportunity. Hey, Joe, can I ask you a would you rather? Mm-hmm.

We came up with a new one in the car. Yeah, this is a good one. This one's just for you, okay? Okay. Would you rather for an entire year, all you can eat, all you can eat is hot dogs from 7-Eleven and Gatorade? Okay. That's one option. Wait, and you can't?

Oh, and you cannot exercise, but you must eat hot dogs and Gatorade or the other option. No, or you can't eat or you can't exercise. That's it. Right. So either you're not allowed to exercise, but you can eat what you want. Or the other one is eating hot dogs and Gatorade, but you can still exercise. Hmm. That's a good question. Thank you. So here's the thing you have to consider, right? I think I would have to go with the no exercise. No exercise and eat whatever you want. Yeah. I would eat healthy, not exercise. But I would do things that would be like exercise. I'd be like, well, I'm going to just work in a fucking sandbag

yard now. Oh, right. I would say, hey man, can I work here for four hours a week? And then four days a week, I would come in for an hour and just work for like ten bucks an hour throwing sandbags around. I would just do it really gangster. Okay, let's revisey. I would come in for an hour and just work for like $10 an hour throwing sandbags around. I would just do it really gangster.

Let's revise this. What if you're just you can't do that. That's what I would do though. I would be too smart for you. I would just take a job. I would take a hard labor job. You have to lay in bed. But you could do all the exercise that you want with your hot dogs and

Gatorade every day. Every meal is hot dogs and Gatorade. You need more. Your body would break down. How did you eat? Yeah, your body would break down. You would have a real issue. If you were just eating hot dogs and Gatorade and trying to exercise, you wouldn't have the nutrients to sustain any sort of strenuous exercise.

Can someone please make an exercise video of just hot dogs and Gatorade? Do you know why we... We'd probably die a scurvy. We'd die. We did because one of our friends stayed at our house one time for like three days

and he ate just hot dogs and Gatorade. Listen, man, ever since I cut gluten out of my diet, I miss pasta, but they have great gluten-free pasta.

You know what I really fucking miss? A hot dog with a bun, a steamy bun with some mustard and sauerkraut. I miss that gummy, shitty bun. Bratwurst. Yeah. I miss Italian bread, too.

Bratwurst you can still eat. You just can't eat the... I eat bratwurst. I just don't eat the bun. But hot dogs, I miss that. Now, explain this to me. What is this gluten-free? So that means what component? I don so that means what component i don't need

any bread i don't need pasta i don't need anything that has flour in it i've been doing it for about four months oh five maybe five months one what i've noticed like right away when i first started doing it is how when i when i have meals after meals i'm not tired anymore like i used to get tired i would eat a meal and be like, oh. I would hit that fucking lawn dart of just like exhaustion. Now I can eat a giant steak and I never get there. I never get there. I can eat potatoes and I never get there.

There's something about gluten, about eating pasta. It never did anything bad to me. Like I don't have celiac disease. It was not something that made me fat. But when I quit eating pasta and bread, I definitely lost body fat like quickly. I noticed it on my face. Like my face was like less puffy. My ring started to fit in my finger different and I weigh almost the same. Like I'm like, well, maybe I lost a few pounds, like three or four pounds or something like that. But it seems like whatever the puffiness was, it's like my puffiness number went down. Because I was eating pasta and bread every meal.

Jesus. I love it. There you go. Is there gluten-free bread? Yes. Okay. It's terrible. It's like fucking cardboard.

Actually, Udi's has some pretty decent gluten-free bread. But it's just simply not as good as gluten bread. It's just not. Because regular bread, you know how you take regular bread and you mush it and turn it into a ball? I like that. And that ball becomes like that paste. Like Hawaiian bread. Yeah, it's like eating gum.

And there's no nutritional value in that bread. No. That's the problem. Nothing. It's just sugar. Doesn't it convert to sugar in your body or something? Tastes awesome. Your body doesn't want it at all.

No. Your body doesn't like it. Your body doesn't perform as good. When I quit it, my endurance went up. Um, my body started feeling better. Uh, my back started feeling better. Like that's what the advice that I got from a physical therapist. She told me that she has great results in people with back injuries, telling them to quit gluten, that the decreased inflammation of gluten actually decreases the size of their bulging discs. I was like, that is fucking nuts.

She's like, well, it makes sense because like knee injuries, like a lot of times like the swelling and the inflammation of knee injuries, you can reduce that as well. Yeah, I can see that. Fucking gluten. Don't they tell you just eat fruits and vegetables and meats anyways? Like keep it lean that way? You shouldn't even eat that much fruit. You should limit the amount of fruit, except like after working out is good, or while you're working

out, in the middle of doing things where you're burning off a lot of calories, fruit's good. But you should definitely limit the amount of juice you drink, because when you drink fruit juice, it's like straight sugar. Yes, I agree. It doesn't have fiber in it. You know, when you eat an apple, you're getting fiber. You eat an orange, you're getting fiber, and you're getting sweet. That's why you should just drink

Gatorade, like all day. Gatorade. You need an orange, you're getting fiber, and you're getting sweet. That's why you should just drink Gatorade, like, all day. Gatorade and hot dogs. Well, what would you guys do? Would you take the no exercise, or would you take Gatorade and hot dogs? I can't, because I'm very particular with eating. I actually do watch what I eat. Yeah? I couldn't eat anything.

Because you feel like shit when you eat hot dogs and Gatorade. You feel awful. It's not good. No. And you can get by without exercising if you watch your diet properly. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I can't. I can't eat like shit.

You could definitely get away with being okay. Yeah, not fantastic, but at least you can keep your weight down somewhat. I just, I don't know. The older I get, the harder it is to eat like shit. I can't even do it now. Plus, I enjoy eating. That's another part of the problem. I like good food. I older I get, the harder it is to eat like shit. I can't even do it now. Well, plus, I enjoy eating. That's another part of the problem.

I like good food. I like food that tastes good. Hot dogs and fucking, it would drive me nuts after a while. It would make you crazy. All right, this podcast is basically over. I want you guys to subscribe to Your Mom's House. It's on iTunes. It's fucking hilarious. It's Tom and Christina's podcast. And they can find you guys online.

Do you guys have a podcast website? Yourmomshousepodcast.com. TomSegura.com. TomSegura.com. ChristinaComedy.com. You don't know Bozitski, huh? You don't trust people. Negative. You're too fucking stupid.

Yeah. And upcoming dates. You guys got any upcoming dates? Yes. Big one. November 1st and 2nd, I'm running my hour in L. Yeah. And upcoming dates. You guys got any upcoming dates? Yes. Big one. Hold on. November 1st and 2nd, I'm running my hour in LA at Flappers in Burbank.

And you can go to my site and get it. TomSegura.com. My special is November 9th in Minneapolis. You can get free tickets at TomSegura.com. Damn.

Free. Christina and I are doing Your Mom's House live November 22nd at the Ice House And December 5th in San Diego at the American Comedy Company Good, googly, moogly I'm in San Diego this weekend

At the Madhouse Comedy Club October 25th through 27th And then in Hartford at the Funny Bone November 14th through 17th Boom, sweet Jesus This podcast was brought to you by squarespace use the code joe and the number 10 one word joe 10 save 10 off your first purchase on new accounts um that's squarespace.com the number joe 10 we're also brought to you by

stamps.com for your super awesome extra sweet deal use the code word JRE and get your $110 bonus offer, which includes a digital scale and up to $55 of free postage. We're also brought to you by Onnit.com. That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name ROGAN and save 10% off any of the supplements. We'll be back tomorrow with the one and only Eddie Bravo to break down this past weekend's UFC that Tommy Bunz was ringside for. Unbelievable.

Tune in for that shit. Those fights were incredible. It's the greatest night of fights in the history of the world. Incredible. Diego Sanchez fight was incredible. And the main event, Dos Santos for Laska, was just mind-blowing. Crazy shit. All right.

We love you guys, and we'll see you tomorrow. Big kiss. Mwah. Ciao.