The Joe Rogan Experience - #408 - Todd Glass

Episode Date: October 28, 2013

Todd Glass is a stand-up comedian and also hosts his own podcast called "The Todd Glass Show" available on Spotify.

Oh, Jesus. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. All day. Check it out. Fuck it, we'll just splice in commercials later, Todd Glass. There's no reason to get all crazy. Fuck it, we'll just splice in commercials.

Look at that. Oh, there you go, my headphones. Old school. Old school. That's not even old school That's new school We were just talking about This t-shirt that I'm wearing Which is from Cap City

Comedy Club in Austin One of the great American comedy clubs Like without a doubt One of the top three Four clubs In the whole country You know we were talking

About like places that have You not hearing yourself? A little hard Oh It's too high? Too low Too low Who is in here that like oh beautiful

that's so much work so hard yeah people always say like when i do ufc broadcast like why are you fucking screaming all the time you scream on tv like if you're there you can't hear anything like people are so loud like there's nothing like one of those environments it's so fucking loud so when we're talking before the beginning of the show, I have to talk louder. I can't even hear what the fuck I'm saying. You can't, even though you know. It's hard to imagine. Okay, I know that every, I don't know what I'm talking about.

I got lost already. Already, we're too high. We're not too high. But what I wanted to talk to you about is, I know that you had a hand in designing one of the other great comedy clubs in the country. You had a hand in designing Helium, didn't you? I did.

And you know what? I give him a lot of credit. What's so funny? I just saw that fake head. Oh, this? The alien? It's funny to turn to that. Yeah, that's pretty dope, isn't it? I can hold a conversation.

That cat is making me a, he's making me another thing, a zombie. That guy's badass. Oh, by the way, so i should say if my opinion means anything because we talked about a little off the air this is well i don't want to insult the other podcast it's not something they care about you know let me look at it that way but like this is the coolest studio i've ever seen like you took a lot of time like creatively to make this a cool space the brick wall the red curtains the black ceiling the the lights with the stars in them, the lava lamps, the rocks. It's like, why fucking not, right?

Yeah, well, I wanted to do something that would make me comfortable. I don't like it. Yeah. If you have an opportunity, I'm very childish in what I like, you know, like aliens and fucking Bigfoot and a werewolf in the front of the place.

I'm very childish. But I don't, you know, if I'm in an environment that's not like me, if I'm in a clean, sterile environment, there'll always be like a little bit of hesitation. Even if it's a fraction, a little something that makes you want to keep it, you know, PC or not be so honest or whatever. Office environments, I think, ultimately, they're like hypnotized people. Right. You're not even supposed to bring up religion or politics. Everything's supposed to be super fake when you're dealing with customers, super flat, no personality, and really ultimately make it super predictable for the person you're talking to. You're going to follow a very strict pattern of thinking and behaving. You're a gentleman in doing business.

Yeah, that's why even when I see managers' offices, I won't say who, but this is your way to express yourself creatively. If I walk into a manager's office and he gets it creatively and I'm, I don't know him that well, I go, I give him some points for that. Oh, this guy gets it. Right. This manager could have anything he wanted. It's not like he, it looked like Hertz. Yeah.

And we used to behind his back go, well, this is what he wanted. Like, this is like, if you had to go, fuck it, look at me. I work at Hertz. Look at my office. He goes, I want that look Anyway that story is available Some people just don't give a fuck though right It's something that they don't put any thinking into

Why do I have to self analyze myself All I'm worried about right now That story was horrible I don't even remember what the story is That's where I'm at I swear to God I swear to God That's how much I get lost

Wow And now I'm going to just talk about wherever I'm at. Dude, we got bookmarks for you. Dude, don't worry. You don't have to worry. We'll always refresh you and let you know what we're talking about in every conversation. We're ready. So you're a good high person to be around.

We're so professional when it comes to being high. Thank you. We're excellent at it. Did you ask me a question? Yeah, we're talking about helium, actually. We're talking about you having a say in the design. Because somebody had told me, like, before I'd ever worked there, it's like the best club in the country. They were like, this place is perfect.

It's like everything you want in a club. Low ceilings. People are packed in tight. It's a great neighborhood. It's a really cool neighborhood. There's a lot of other bars and jazz clubs. And, like, there's a lot of funky shit in that area. Yeah.

And that club is just perfectly set up. And then they told me that you had a hand in designing it. Yeah, Mark called me through Louis Lee or somebody from Minneapolis. And they said, you're opening up a club. Is that the guy from Acme? Yeah, he's the owner. Well, to backtrack a little, which I thought was cool that Mark even knew to do, I go, how did you know to call Louis Lee?

He also called him, and Louis basically taught him how to run a club. Well, Acme is another example. I've never worked at Acme, but I was there recently. I was hanging out with Arj Barker, and he was working there. It's a fucking amazing place. It is. It's perfect. And all comedians like it.

So what Mark did, the guy who opened up Helium, I go, how did you know to pick him? How did you know Acme? He goes, oh, I went to a comedy festival. As a non-club owner, just a guy who thinks he wants to open up a club and he asked every comedian what their favorite club was he goes he heard acme a lot he goes that sounds like a guy i'd want to talk to yeah i go that's so brilliant he goes it's just common sense i go yeah but it's every most people don't have it it's like we were talking about cobs the other day and i love cobs cobs in san francisco i started at the old cobs, which is a really tiny place. Don't mention Cobbs to me.

It was only like- Just kidding. You know those people, no matter what you're talking about. Hey, don't mention- Oh, those are bad. Is there anybody I can mention around here? Well, then you have to ask them why, and then it becomes about them. That's really what it is.

Those guys are annoying. That's exactly what it is. They turn it into something about them. It doesn't have to do with what you're about to say. It has to do with their personal beef. But it makes it look like it if they trick you. thing about them. It doesn't have to do with what you're about to say. It has to do with their personal beef. I fucking told him that I counted every seat in the room. There's

180 seats. You told me it's 170 seat room. You're stealing 10 seats. Oh, God. Those guys are the worst. Those guys are getting robbed everywhere they go. And I'm not saying that people haven't been robbed before. You're not legitimized. When it happens, obviously, come on, every story these people have.

So many of them have so many stories. It's like, Todd Glass hasn't been ripped off. Why have you been ripped off? What the fuck is going on? You keep getting ripped off. Who you mentioned? Oh, Vinny at BAM Squats? Oh.

Well, there's certain guys. I did a show for him. There had to be at least 1,000 people there. Gives me a check, 80 bucks. Fuck that shit. There's certain guys that just have an animosity towards club owners. There's almost like a natural animosity because of the fact that, like, in the beginning, they didn't want to have anything to do with you. You were like a rejected girl, you know, that isn't mature yet.

You know, you get real emotional about it and very upset. And then when the guy comes around, you're like like where the fuck were you when i was 18 you know people get crazy right i think comedians get that way too when they in the beginning they're fucking terrible so nobody wants to use you you can't work anywhere and you have to slowly like work your way into a position where someone's actually willing to pay you to have their customers hear you talk. And that's a really kind of a special relationship. And the beginning part is so bad that we develop this weird sort of contentious relationship sometimes with club owners. I think that's like really ridiculous.

I think you're right. I think you're right. And again, because I'm overly paranoid, we're not saying that certain people haven't legitimately maybe been ripped off by clubbing. When that happens, that sucks. But we're saying like a lot of that animosity comes from exactly what you just said. It's like maybe you were bad then. Maybe. Maybe this.

Maybe that. Maybe – but they're not all bad people. There's a lot of good ones. It took me a while to get the respect of the people that I came up with in Boston, like the clubs in Boston. I was headlining on the road before I was headlining back in Boston again because they saw me when I was terrible. I mean, they saw me as an open mic-er. I should have never been allowed to go on stage. So when you've seen someone just fucking stink it up hardcore for like a year or two in the beginning of their career,

it just makes sense that you wouldn't want, you know, like five years later, you're like, man, I'm not buying it. This guy's gotta be still terrible. You know, I saw him when he was an open miker and every comedian sort of says that you have to like leave your town and get success elsewhere. And then they respect it and recognize it. But if they see you when you suck in their mind, you suck. It's really hard for people to adapt. It works that way with athletics too. With fighting, it works that way.

There's guys that believe that this guy can't beat them. There's no way that guy can beat me. Meanwhile, the guy just beat you. It's craziness. It's a crazy way of thinking, but they know back when the guy sucked, and they refuse to admit that people can figure things out, that people can improve. Yeah, I haven't had that happen, but I try not to.

Like, I'll think of somebody the way I thought about them. You know, somebody, there's a comedian who wanted to do Middle in Philadelphia, and I really think, well, you're probably, I go, wait, I haven't seen him in a while. And then I take the time, I'm like, oh, my God, I just got stuck in this mindset. But at least I got out of it. I love changing my mind about stuff.

And the comedian that it's about, don't fucking find it if it's not you. You know it's you, but don't be so sure. He might, okay, there's that. He know it's you, but don't be so sure. Yeah, there's somebody going, that has to be me. I'm from Philly. I work with Todd in Philly. Why doesn't he just say my name?

Give me a plug. People are too damn sensitive about uh people's assessments of them as long as those assessments are polite you shouldn't take it so fucking personally you can learn from those things yeah i had a comedian once you know what i'm glad that i just luckily wasn't stupid because he goes i could have easily been offended but earlier in my career he goes we hung out during the day and then he goes he said this affectionately i remember it i was like 23 maybe 24 he goes he goes you're funny hanging out he goes he said this affectionately i remember it i was like 23 maybe 24 he goes he goes you're funny hanging out he goes what are you doing up there on stage

you know and i was like i knew he was fucking right and he knew i could handle it you know he said something he goes that's what you want to be doing but i but i remember thinking i could have even been like fuck that guy that's my story you know what my story could have been then this fucking idiot tells me i'm funny off stage but i'm not fuck you i was doing better than you every night when she might have been because he was bad but whatever he was honest with me right and um instead the story is thank you yeah that's what i appreciated he said that it made me consciously try to change that there was a guy that said something to me when we were both starting out together we'd been both doing it about six months and uh i was still like i still had my foot in another world i was still teaching martial arts and i was still competing and i was really confused and he said to me

he goes you know he was being a dick totally being a dick he goes you started off pretty funny man but you uh you lost promise. You seem to be repeating yourself, and it's just like you, I don't know, it seems like you lost momentum. And I was like, wow. And I didn't argue with him. That was the weird part. I didn't like, fuck you, bitch.

There was none of that. I just went, wow. I got to agree with you. I'm not really paying attention. A comic, an open mic-er that I worked with. We were all sort of competitive young guys and trying to have some camaraderie, but there was always a lot. We were young.

We were retarded. We didn't know how to communicate with each other. We didn't know how to be honest and express ourselves. We were insecure as fuck. We were trying to be stand-up comedians. The most insecure world, probably in show business. You create it all yourself. And he said something that was totally true.

And I remember it stung for sure. But it made me make a clear decision to just abandon the other world, just to completely remove myself, quit my job, just get jobs, like paying for things. Just because this one thing this one guy said, that it helped me a lot. Like, like, that he was being a dick when he was doing it, and I'm sure he was. I'm sure he was trying to hurt my feelings. But he was right, and because he was right, it was really beneficial. It was really important.

You know, it was really important, like, for me as a comedian to make, first of all, to be aware that this has to apply this way, although it's, like, very difficult to do, especially although it's like very difficult to do especially emotionally it's very difficult to accept criticism it's very difficult to see people see yourself as other people see you but it's so fucking important if you can't do that like you're you're gonna you're gonna never continue to grow you're gonna hit a rough spot and then boom you're gonna tailspin and then that's it yeah you see that a lot fuck yeah you do you do yeah and it's funny people too that's what's yeah a shame like it's not you do. You do. And it's funny people, too. That's what's a shame.

Like, it's not like they're not funny, but they get caught in this. Something goes wrong. Yeah. Or like we said before, the ones that, I remember comedians that had fuck this business attitudes.

I'm not kidding. Like, now, of course, then it seemed like they'd been doing comedy a long time, but like eight years into the business. Right. Fuck this fucking business. Fuck this business.

Or two years in, I remember a comedian having a joke. It's like, really? That's so silly. You're that mad? Well, it's the same thing. It's like a rejected boy or a rejected girl, a rejected young person, I should say,

doesn't have emotional maturity, and they get angry. That's really what it is. That rejection sometimes is the best fucking thing that can ever happen to you. It might feel like shit, but you'll figure that out. Because of it, you're either going to quit or you're going to figure it out. You're going to have a new inspiration to do so.

You know what? I would never want to own a club. When I complain about club owners, I've realized I'm not changing the subject. Does it seem like I'm changing the subject? Not at all. Not at all. You're right. I know exactly where you're going. Because I do make fun of the Does it seem like I'm changing this? Not at all. Not at all. You're right. I'm going.

I know exactly where you're going. Because I do make fun of the bad clubs. And I do. I spend a lot of time making fun of the bad clubs. And they should be made fun of. Some of them are fucking horrible. But I also defend the good clubs. I wouldn't want to own a good club.

You know why? Imagine all the fucking wackadoodle comedians fucking bothering them and getting mad at them unnecessarily. Like, you know, not all of them. Right. I wasn't. I was, I remember, thank God, and I did a lot wrong, but I always knew that, like, I, I forget. I completely forget what I was talking about. We're talking about clubs and, like, getting along with clubs.

Oh, I never got mad at club owners. You never got mad at club owners. Over the years when a club wouldn't use me. You know what all all i liked is when they told this story and i can think of a specific club that said this i wasn't what they wanted but they said you know he was nice and the staff liked him because it's just not my thing but he tried to point out that i was a decent guy and you know what i accepted it i was like i remember someone was like fuck him i go no no no he has a right he can't love every comedian but at least he told that's not the story i could

have told i could have been like oh yeah i could have been that same story could have been even though the guy did it right and he tried to i could have been like fuck him you know what he tells my manager the staff liked you the fuck's that supposed to mean you know what i mean like flipping it around negative. Totally. Yeah. So it was like, so, and there was a few clubs over the years that wouldn't hire me. And guess what? Some do now.

And I, I don't want to be that person. Oh, fuck that club. Well, now they want you. So what are you going to teach them a lesson? I love the fact that they exist. Yeah. I mean, one of the best things about being a comedian is the ability to work in clubs. I do some larger spots now, but I still do the Ice House.

I do the Ice House on a lot of Wednesday nights. And it's only like 150 people or 190 people or something like that. It's fucking amazing. It's a magical room. I mean, it's magical. It's tight. The Ice House is dark, and it's got 50 fucking years of laughs burned into it you know i mean that's legit that place if if an area or a space can encode a memory can somehow or another

capture a memory like if you go my dad went to gettysburg and he said when he was there he felt sad he said it really was an overwhelming feeling of sadness because it was really hard to describe he's not an airy fairy sort of a woo-woo kind of a guy and when he said that about gettysburg he's an architect you know he said that about gettysburg he was like he was just something about it it just didn't just you could feel it in the air i really believe that i believe a club like the laugh stop in uh in houston did you ever work at that stop that place oh yeah that place, you walked in, you felt it in your fingers. You're like, whoa, this place is on fire.

Mark Babbitt is the reason that club used to have a great reputation. And I love, let me tell you something. I don't wish anybody ill. I don't wish anybody ever. I don't care what they do. I do not wish anybody ill. But. But I do wish that your empire would fall apart.

That doesn't mean anyone would be sick or homeless. But I do wish your empire would fall apart like it did, not realizing Mark Babbitt was why you had it. They never knew that he was the soul of that place. So when he left, it went downhill. And they have no idea. To this day, do you think they have the intelligence to go, hey, what happened there? We made a huge mistake. We had a manager who fucking basically gave the,

you know, we didn't know how important he was. We fired him and the business slowly closed. No, they're just telling

some other bullshit story. Was there a matter of, I don't know, there was some sort of a legal matter. I don't want to mention what might or might not have happened

because honestly, I have just rumors. It is what I heard from fucking Ralphie Myers. I knew it, that fuck. I totally turned on him. He was, you know, a guy who really loved comedy.

And that's a historic fucking club. I mean, Bill Hicks recorded, didn't Bill Hicks record one of his stand-up specials there? Sandman, I think? I'm not sure, but I know that... One of his early specials. I really just said sure, but I wasn't positive. I think it was there. And that used to be where the annex was,

where Kinison started out and Hicks started out. You would walk into that laugh stop in River Oaks. There was two laugh stops. There was one and then they moved it. When they moved it, that's when things started getting squirrely. But the original one, you would walk into that place and you would feel the fucking energy that has been pumped out into that room. These people have years and years of fucking hysterical laughter, like, impregnates the walls.

You want to hear... The new place didn't have that. Do you want to hear what you're talking about, but someone took advantage of this and works it for them when they sell homes? I swear to God, this is what a girl told me. It goes back to exactly what we're talking about. She goes, you want to know my line I say when I'm selling someone a house? She goes, I say, if house has souls, don't you feel like this is a good one? And she goes, most people are like, oh, yeah, especially if they like the house.

But she's full of shit. She's lying. She's just saying that about every house. That's such a good line that people go, it does have a good soul. But she's working on something that does exist, as we're talking about, because I agree. There's no way those laughters, it's not just in our head. That's something there that's some energy when a room has had that much soul. I mean, it sounds like horseshit.

Does that make sense? I'm sure any reasonable scientist would tell us it's horseshit. Oh, really? But maybe it does for us symbolically, because you know what that, like when I walk into the Punchline in Atlanta, Jesus Christ, I mean, that place has been around forever. It's a fucking masterfully built club. Another one. Perfect comedy club. And you see those pictures of the wall, like Richard Jenney when he was like 30.

I know. And you're like, wow, look at these fucking headshots like all these old old headshots like zany's in nashville you ever do that place i i look all you can do is look at those pictures every night and find something new to figure out about that time i never get tired i re-look at them i look at them any of those clubs i know there's a breed of club you're talking about it's not helium because they don't haven't been open as long

but it's those 35 year old 35 year old clubs maybe 30 year old clubs those walls holy shit it's insane I remember the person

I thought I look up at the wall anybody that had a gimmick I thought they were going to be really successful like one guy was called the coach and had a whistle

and I was thinking when I was like 19 I'd be like fuck I wish I would've thought I was always so jealous like that's fun yeah i get it blows the whistle hey i'm the coach god damn it that's i was always so jealous of those and then they tend not to be doing comedy you know what i was really jealous of the dudes who had like the the big full page ads and that comedy guide do you remember the comedy guide i sort you remember the comedy guide? I sort of do. The comedy guide was this,

it was an industry comedy guide that would come out like every year, like all the managers would have it. And they would, these comedians would take out these giant full page ads and show like what NACA conference, you know, they performed at

and performing at colleges. And they had like this really professionally done photography and shit like that was how comedians got the word out about them that's how they marketed they used to have to buy time in the industry guide and then put together some vhs tape and send it out the cards did you ever have a comedy card no never had we had a card once to promote a website that i put out to promote my website okay there. But there was never one for like, you know, I'm appearing in this town. Like pointing to the right in the big...

Someone told me... When am I coming to you? Someone told me that... My track record is this, and then I'll tell you what somebody told me George Carden said. But at least I wish I could have said I never had a card, but I'm proud to say, if I'm going to be 100% honest, I had one for like a month,

and then I just didn't like the smell of it, so I got rid of it. The smell of it? Yeah, I was like, oh, Todd Gless, comedian. I was like, oh, shit. I think I saw some other comedian with a card. I'm like, I should have cards, you know? And then I got rid of them,

so now I'm glad because someone said, somebody at the, George Carlin was talking about cards backstage at the Comedy Magic Club and basically said, he goes, cards, you know, the comedian doesn't have a fucking card, you know. And then the comedian that had the cards sort of felt like he took them very quickly over to the trash.

Because he had just gotten cards. Yeah, that was a thing about headshots back in Boston. Anybody who was any good had a shitty headshot. They didn't give a fuck about their headshots. Right, right. You could see that same path. They would talk about it. Like, if you hire a photographer to do your headshot, you fucking suck on stage.

They would always say that. Why is it just such an unspoken? Are there exceptions? Yes. But no, mostly. that's such a great. Well, there's something that makes you want to take a picture of yourself and be all sexy looking that's uber douchey. And it doesn't translate into comedy, you know? Jeez.

There's some guys who could ham it up. Like, I remember Kevin Knox had, like, a really zany, like, headshot. But it worked for him because that was, like, his he was a a wild energetic guy what if i talk about how bad that is and i agree with you but then you guys pull online a picture of me with my shoe as a phone we found this picture of you i go oh that with the shoe yeah i was acting like it was a phone nobody did that then no i was really the first You know what my favorite is? Guys who do characters and they have multiple characters on their headshots. Like, this is the hillbilly. This is the doctor.

Does anybody still do that? I don't know, man. I don't know. Someone was on the podcast. I don't know who to credit for this. But they were talking about how, you you guys would know you guys remember about how the genre of prop comedy is gone carrot top removed it you can't be a prop guy anymore but when we were starting out that was an option there was like prop guys there was you know regular

stand-up comics there was dirty guys there was prop guys the prop guy doesn't exist anymore you never see the prop guy anymore. Carrot Top essentially just dominated the market so thoroughly that everybody else abandoned it. Let me say this. If somebody out there was willing, this is a real offer, to like, let's say they had money and they think it's a good idea. And then I will give them 40% of all my income. If somebody goes, I will pay for it, Todd, we build him a great prop act. We hire writers, and it's like an anti-prop act. I would go tour with it. If somebody was willing

to put money into it, like produce it, go, we're going to hire, we're going to build this, it's going to be a truck, it's going to go, and you're going to do it, but we're going to put money into it. Somebody out there, a promoter, half creator, half promoter thinks, I'd fucking do that. Not 40%. I want to put it down on record, but we will talk about the fee. You would actually be the perfect guy to put together like a fake prop act. Like a prop act that mocks prop acts.

Yeah, but no disrespect to Carrot Top. No disrespect to it. It would be just like the opposite of it. There'd be like these weird, like, I don't know. You would just make it shitty the way if you're going to make fun of a comedian you tell a bunch of shitty jokes and yell the punchline out it's you're not disrespecting comedy right you're disrespecting shitty comedy right you know so that was what you would do you would be disrespecting a shitty prop

act yes and it would be just almost a mock of a prop act that didn't put a lot of time into his props you know he's just like tape you. He's like pulling things out that are obviously and they're not even. He goes, it used to be taped together. He shows the crowd. There was a few guys that were like combination. They would like have a few props and they would do comedy. Do you remember Lenny Schultz?

Do you remember Lenny Schultz? Crazy Lenny? Jesus Christ. He would pick up a fucking Smokey the Bear. He had a Smokey the Bear doll. And he would go, only you can prevent forest fires. Then he'd go, fuck you! And punch the bear in the head.

It was so ridiculous. He would knock the bear through the crowd. Like, fuck you! It was completely silly. Duncan Trussell kind of does the prop back, or used to with Lil Hobo. Well, it's hacky. That's a little different, though. There's another level. That'sussell kind of does the prop back, or used to with Little Hobo. Well, it's hacky.

That's a little different, though. There's another level. That's the other level. That's the puppet master guy. The puppet is another genre that kind of Jeff Dunham is pretty much dominated now. I mean, there's still a few other guys. There's the guy, Fator. What's his name?

Fator? Terry Fator. Terry Fator. Oh, yeah. He's a big one in Vegas as well. But that's, you know, there's not like many young guns out there with a fucking, taking a doll to a comedy club. There's not a lot of guys that are rocking that ass.

What do you think, Sammy? I think, so you know, the visual of the hand just instantly, I just pictured a comedy club I was just at a week ago What are the odds a guy would walk up on stage seriously Hey everybody And you put your hand up and made the fake puppet Well the best of all time

Best of all time in my opinion Is Otto and George The best of all time I worked with Otto, we did a gang of gigs In Dangerfields in New York We did prom shows Which were hellacious. Have you ever done a prom show?

I've done one or two. When they have them in New York City, where they just keep funneling the people into the club. They get these kids from high schools, and they bring them in, and they don't end the show. They tell you to do new material every time. Or they tell you not to do new material they tell you the same material every time so that they would realize that the show is over because they never cleaned the place out they just kept packing kids in there violating every fire code in existence and would and would go on till five o'clock in the morning i mean you would start working at

eight at night and you would do shows until five o'clock in the morning they would just keep rotating the lineup i would leave and it would be light out. It was madness. But for a young comic, it's pretty good because it's like $75 a set or something like that and you're packing all those sets together. It was a good chunk of money for comedians. So a lot of us did it.

And Otto and I did that and we did a couple clubs. I never got to work with him that much. I only got to see him like three times live. I remember just punching. You know what's nice? When you go to see someone like that and the people around you enjoy him as much as you do.

Like a ton of people really fucking enjoy him. And then I feel like there's people like me that go, it's fucking, I can't handle it. I want to be around those people. And we were.

The last time I saw him, the couple next to me, husband and wife, I found out, they were, we just started punching each other and we're glad we had someone to punch you know and the people ahead of us were sort of the same way everyone else was loving it but we were definitely going i'm gonna die you know it was just so it is a comedy festival and he was saying how desperate all the comedians were and then he went i you have to understand i felt like i never saw him my whole life. When he goes, like something happens and then, Jor, I get it mixed up right now.

I'm talking about. Otto and Jor. Otto would say, he'd say, ask the woman in the crowd, like, hey, how are you? And then the puppet would mock him because of how bad his crowd work was. He goes, holy shit, are you shitting me? That's what you, hey, how are you? You stopped the He goes, holy shit, are you shitting me? That's what you find? Hey, how are you? You stopped the show for, hey, how are you? Oh, he goes on.

But to see a puppet really dig into a human being, I'd never seen that. And for me, that was fucking unbelievable. He used to have a fucking thing he was working on. It was Kennedy getting shot in the head. And so the puppet's head would flip back like a flop of scalp. He goes, and I want to figure out how to put a brain

in there and maybe squirt blood out of it. That's hilarious. He was so funny, and people would get mad. They would go, I see your lips moving. He didn't try to hide that his lips were moving. Is he not understanding

what he's doing? I see. Guess what? That has to be certifiably, no bullshit, a problem with a mental disability. It's a fucking puppet. Of course his lips are moving.

Just pay attention to what he's doing. But that's someone there that was taking it for face value. Oh, well, yeah. How was he? Well, I didn't. Hard to get past the lips.

I saw his lips moving. There's Otto and George. Obviously, he's still doing club dance. Oh, yeah. He's a maniac. But he's just so crazy. Otto's so... He's fucking hilarious.

What was that picture of me? You in a prop. What was it? You in a bag? Oh, did somebody make this? Did I used to do props? That's hilarious. No, I don't think I did that ever.

Did I do that or did they Photoshop that? It looks like it was like a red carpet event. You from American Beauty or something like that. Oh, Jesus. I wonder if there's hope for the, what would they call them? Puppet acts? Somebody will have to do it great. Ventroquist.

Ventroquist, yeah. The wonder, yeah, I mean, I feel like that's a genre that could be fucked with. You know, Duncan did it, but he only did it

for like this one bit, which is hilarious. It's beautiful. A little hobo, little hobo's this evil puppet that killed his grandfather, and he does this one bit. I mean, it's fucking genius,

but it's not a lot of young guys. When you go to a club, it's very rare that you see a young guy that's a puppet act. Yeah, yeah. Is there anything else we're not thinking of? Willie Tyler and Lester. He was another famous one. No, I mean that you don't think of another type of comedy.

Oh, any style? When I think of someone doing it, I think of somebody as maybe mocking it. But what about not mocking it? Could I think of someone doing it, I think of somebody as maybe mocking it. But what about not mocking it? Could somebody come back and make it, it was just that good, and they write? Why can't it be good banter between the puppet and the person? Well, it is with Otto. Right, right.

But that's what I'm saying. But we're excluding him. That Jeff Dunham guy, he's got some jokes where he goes back and forth with the puppet that are pretty fucking funny. Then that, to me me is always amazing. But the cliche stuff, it's like, come on. I think Jeff Dunham does it more of family friendly. He tries intentionally to sort of... Is there a good psychic?

Does that exist? Well, I mean, comedian psychics, I've never even heard of one. I've heard of comedy hypnotists. That's what I meant. Do you have an opinion on that? It works. It definitely works. Yeah, comedy hypnotism is 100% real.

Okay, here's why I'm sort of, not that you're the all-knowing, but, you know, you probably broke it down. Without even getting into detail, you probably shredded the fuck out of it. So I think you probably know the right answer. So I'm glad because here's what my problem with is if it was fake and i thought no i can't explain it but here's what i used to say i can't explain it i don't but here's the one thing if it's fake how come never do those audience members on stage break never never now so are they in some what's happening here he can tell they can tell a good guy whether someone's under or not. And some people you just can't hypnotize.

I think there's really some people that have brains that are easier to hack. I agree. I think you could just get into them. I'll tell you this for a fact, because I worked with a guy named Frank Santos, the R-rated hypnotist. I worked with him many, many, many, many, many times back in the Boston days when I was an open miker. And I was 100% skeptical the first time I saw it. I was like, this is bullshit. These people are all just faking it. But then when you watch a guy actually come in his pants and you watch people do things that he's telling them to do, then you realize, oh,

wait a minute, I'm a control freak. It would never work on me. But it works on some people. Some people, especially in that context, it actually might work better because they're nervous and they get on stage and there's a bright light and this guy just knows how to lock you in and tell you what to do, tell you what to do. You're going to breathe. You're going to breathe. And on the count of five, you're going to just go.

You're going to go to sleep, relax, all the muscles in your body. One, two, three, four, five. And he would touch these guys and they would fucking collapse. By the way me i could just feel that i swear to god no i mean i just let it in three seconds just to go someone is counting down let your shoulders down like just so but he was a real hypnotist first and then he got into comedy hypnotism let me ask you this and someone that knows a lot about this might even say, well, no, Todd, that's not hypnotism. But what even if it's this? Because, look, they get laughs, and the average person, they get laughs. How's it feel to get laughs?

It feels un-fucking-believable. So let's say even if a naysayer said – tries to answer the question this way. I still might not negate it's hypnotism. But what if a naysayer said, no, they're just getting laughs. And when people get those type of laughs, they get comfortable. So they let their guard down because everything they do is getting a laugh. They're getting a laugh because there's a professional up there making it happen. Right.

So maybe they get more comfortable, more comfortable. So the more weirdness is thrown at them, they're getting the laugh. It feels good. And they go to the, you're still taking them somewhere. So if you're doing it through laughter, you're taking them somewhere to do some shit that they're not doing in their normal lives. Yeah. I don't know what the conscious interpretation of the person who's actually doing it. Do some of them see what they're doing?

Do other ones see something that's not even there? I don't understand that. Because one of them he did, he said he had a weird way of talking and a very strange accent. And he would say you're about to make love to Madonna Madonna's on the ground she's naked

you're on top of her you're gonna make love to Madonna and this guy starts fucking I mean he starts fucking and the crowd starts where's this at? how is it? Stitches?

Stitches Comedy Club in Boston this is Stitches 2 the second Stitches there's one that was attached to the Paradise it was this old school place, that's the first place that I ever performed in an open mic night

that place went under and then they opened up a new place and this was at the new place the guy came in his pants I saw the guy come in his pants I mean I didn't go look at him but I mean it was pretty obvious the guy came in his pants and he was embarrassed and everyone

was laughing and he didn't know what the fuck they were laughing at he was gone he was in a weird other place and when he snapped him out of it you could tell the guy it is i don't think that they're that good of an actor i think that you are skeptical because it wouldn't work on you at all and i don't think it would work on me either but think about some of the shit that people are willing to do. Think about cults. Think about people joining cults. Think about people that believe that some guy who lives in Siberia is Jesus.

So they're going to set up these huts and live up there with Jesus because Jesus is back and he lives in Siberia. You have to be, like, there's something that has to be, like, really wrong with your brain for you to accept that. I think people's brains are different just like people's dicks are different. That's what I think. And I think some people, you can just tell them what to do, and they'll just lock into it and just do it.

Yeah, I mean, because if you, we know that, like, the first part of what you said is true because it's happened in the past, people following cults. So what if that light, light, light, light, light is someone just doing that for an hour? They'll do that. Why won't you just go, you know? Yeah, right. People, yeah, there's a lot of – you're right.

I always forget that I'm like, really? But then you think, yeah, that's you. I'm thinking of me. Yeah. I'm thinking of me. Yeah. I'm thinking of me. Yeah, you can't think of you because you have an extraordinary job. You have a very unusual amount of people that you come in contact with and share your ideas with. You're on stage all the time.

It's like your comfort level with humans is different than the average person's comfort level because you experience humans in this really extreme state the state of a stand-up comedy club so it's it's real hard to to just hypnotize a guy like you but there's some people out there that have nine volt brains and you know everybody else has a a bunch of those lithium ions they use to run a tesla not this motherfucker he's got a nine volt brain just like God gives some men two inch penises This guy has a nine volt brain and that is what he's got You know and I say this from a person Who's very acutely aware of how smart I am or how lack of smart I am you put a math problem in front of me I start fucking drooling. I'm an idiot. I'm really bad when it comes to math like I'm shockingly bad

You know this shit. I'm not good. I'm really bad when it comes to math. Like, I'm shockingly bad. You know? It's just shit I'm not good at even slightly. But I know that. I'm not confused. You know what I mean? Because you're able to know where you're... Right, I get what you're saying. Yeah.

But I know there's different levels. I know there's people that are way smarter than me. I just know it. I've met them. Wait, because mathematically I feel like I'm horrible at math too, right? I know I didn't choose that. So you're saying there might be people that get the math thing, but then socially are like given these nine volt batteries. You think it's not changeable? I think it is. I think if I had interest in mathematics, but what I'm saying is I don't.

And because I don't, I don't have any knowledge of it. So I'm really dumb when it comes to that subject. It's not something I've ever pursued. So because of that, I completely lack any comprehension of like really advanced calculus. And you only see like those physics guys. I have zero knowledge of what that is. It's because when I was a kid, I associated it very early with something incredibly boring. And because I did that, I just never put any effort into it whatsoever. It wasn't rewarding to me. I think that's what makes things. You should have a comprehensive knowledge of how to count and divide and all those things.

Absolutely. But it doesn't appeal to everybody. And to make a guy like you or make a guy like me chase after really complex math, it's not really beneficial because it's not going to do anything more than let us know that we don't really like math, especially in this day and age. Because there's a finite amount of time

to learn things when you're in high school, finite amount of time in college, and finite amount of time when you have a job. It's a fucking small amount. So cut out all the shit you're not really that interested in. There's plenty of fucking calculators out there. Stop trying to be Mr. Renaissance Man when it comes to knowledge. There's a calculator.

Punch in those numbers. Get it done. It's really easy. You know how bad I am? Or be a math guy. I'm so bad at math. Now, granted, this looks sadder. This looks sadder.

This is going to tell sadder than it is, but it is a true story. So it all has to do with math and how bad I am. And I have to tell you that I like bubble tape. There's a reason I have to tell you that. I don't know why, but I'll buy bubble tape. That's the pop, pop, pop stuff? No, that's the – it comes in – it's like baseball tape and you pull a piece out. You can make it like 10 feet long.

It's all like in a – it's like – Bubble tape? You know what I'm talking about? What the heck? It's like one big long piece of gum, and then you pull it out. It's gum? Yeah. Like you chew gum?

Oh, bubble tape. Bubble tape gum. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's hard to. Oh, all right. Most people listening are probably, they'll know. Okay. I'm like, that's my, that's like a nice way of me going.

Everyone knows but you. I think, but I could be wrong. I bet you're right. I'm an idiot. you um i think but i could be wrong i bet you're right i'm an idiot um so uh so anyway so i i'm on the plane and i'm horrible with numbers and i have like um at this i have a checkbook and i'm opening it up you know because i and i'm counting with my fingers and i'm figuring something out and also then i take a piece of bubble tape and i eat it at the same time and then i there's a guy in my prif and i look at him oh my god i thought instantly what

he had just seen like not a man my age counting with his fingers you know pulling eating bubble tape there's no way he thinks i have any amount of success he has to think oh that poor guy good for him he can even get on a plane and yeah i wanted to look at no no i swear everything's going all right it looks very archaic, but I don't... I'm aware. It's funny that that's eccentric. To eat a childish sort of candy that we have categorized like, this is candy for children.

Well, it's true. God forbid, and I don't, so don't worry about judging me, those big lollipops you can get. What if you really like those? You can't go out as a full-grown adult eating one of those big lollipops. I think you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want. If you had knickers on you could.

I think it's so stupid. Can I tell you? I wish you liked those lollipops and I'll tell you why. Because if you did, I'd hang out with you every night. And just eat those lollipops. If anyone gave you shit, I would love to see it. What's the matter? You know, I like these lollipops.

They're delicious. You would address it. The lollipop industry would love you because they'd be like, it's nice Joe Rogan's out there. They give him shit about eating a big lollipops. They're delicious. You would address it. The lollipop industry would love you because they'd be like, it's nice Joe Rogan's out there. They give him shit about eating a big lollipop. He tells them to go fuck themselves. I'm single-handedly bringing back the fanny pack, Todd Glass. Single-handedly. I wear it everywhere.

I wear it every time I go on the road. People point to it and go, get the fuck out of here. And I go, yeah, I'm wearing a fanny pack. It's fucking easy. It's easy to travel with. I love it. I don't know if I'll ever wear one, but I've said this a million times. Why can't the fanny pack be cool to wear? It is.

I have shit my foot some nights just with where to put pot. Look at that lollipop. That's exactly the one I was thinking of. I would eat one of those. How dare you. Todd Glass got confused. Look at that fucking lollipop. That's a lot of sugar, son.

How much sugar is that, Todd Glass? I don't know. That's a fucking hard piece of sugar that weighs pounds. That probably puts you in a straight diabetic coma. A girl should not eat that and not be looking for... And a guy or a girl. If you're out licking that lollipop nonstop at a bar, and I don't think if people...

You're going to attract some weirdos. Or some people who really admire your tongue exactly yeah maybe you have a really sweet tongue I mean

you know some girls stick their tongues out and they go all the way down their chin and you yeah but I'm saying your friends would say

that you're you're licking that lollipop in public you're only going to attract the wrong type of guys the right you're going to attract the right type of guys fuck it let going to attract the right type of guys.

Fuck it. As Joey Diaz would say, let's get this party started. Brian, okay. Listen, stop it, Brian. Stop it. You're confusing everything. Yeah, well, I think like lollipops, like anything else, man. Whatever the fuck you like.

We've been here for a long time. If you like something, just say you for a long time if you like something just say you like it say why you like it and when i when i say i was bringing back the fanny pack you know people thought i was joking like i really never stopped wearing one when i travel i'd wear the people would constantly mock me i'm like i don't care it's a fucking it's i think it's insane that i can wear a backpack and no one gives a shit but if i wear a pack down here all of a sudden it's something that's funny. I'm like, that's – I'm not playing that game. Here's the thing. You're right.

But here's the problem. Here's the problem. Like, I know you're right. And not only do I know you're right, but here comes – there's the end part. I've said it over the last year so many times, especially if you have a pipe or a key. I don't like to have my phone in my – I god damn it why can't fanny packs like I just said be why can't they be

cool to wear we're bringing them back Todd Glass well I don't know if I have I'd be too insecure I'd be too insecure just everywhere I went

people would be like look that guy's wearing a fanny pack you would feel like you were being courageous but it makes sense you'd be courageous and just carrying stuff

wear sweatpants fuck Wear sweatpants. Fuck it. Sweatpants and a fanny pack. Fuck it. Who am I dressing up for? Some nice, soft, cotton sweatpants. Those are like the most comfortable things ever. You know, but we never wear them.

No, let me get my fucking stiff-ass, stupid plastic pants on. You know what? I was last night in Santa Barbara, and it was Halloween, and there were some people walking around in costumes. I go, forget about the costume and what it is. Just what they're able to wear, like a onesie. Right. Walking around with comfortable slippers.

They're comfortable. Why can't they do that every night? Maybe minus the costume part of it. I thought, how many people are getting to walk the streets in a freedom? It's like swimming naked in a bathtub or in a pool, probably. They're just walking around with all that just comfortable shit. Because you were saying, why can't we just walk around in... Yeah.

Oh, in a... With a fanny pack. Yeah, but what were the type of pants you said? Oh, sweatpants. Yeah, like nothing's more comfortable than sweatpants. Nothing. At one point, we're giving up anything. We've developed the most comfortable pair of pants there is, but we choose to go, well, but that's...

Somebody gave me a pair of these slippers that are kind of like borderline between slippers and a shoe. It's real close. I think they're like Uggs for men or something like that. The inside is all fleecy. It's comfortable.. I think they're like Uggs for men or something like that. The inside is all fleecy. It's comfortable. They're so comfortable. And so a friend of mine came over, and I put them on, and I go, hey, man, what's up? And he goes, what are you wearing, fucking slippers?

Are they the Crocs, the ones with the- No, no, they weren't Crocs. They're like leather on the outside, but they have a lining, and the lining is like fleece, like lambskin or whatever the hell they have. But he was like, what is that, a slipper? I was like, it's a fucking shoe or something. But to him, it was like, are you wearing slippers, bro? You're like, why are you wearing slippers? What are you trying to have fucking your feet be all soft?

It was weird. He was like, why are you wearing something that feels good? Why are you wearing slippers? He doesn't realize it. That's the thing he doesn't realize. But breaking it down, that's what he's saying. Weird. You're wearing something that's more comfortable than everybody else?

You're wearing slippers and you're wearing a fanny pack. I might even say the same thing, but at least I'm willing to. From now on, if I see someone wearing slippers, you know what I'm going to do? Go, it's a great idea. It's a fucking wonderful idea. How about Rodney? I mean, that's why... I mean, I want to live to be the age where I can show up at the improv in my pajamas.

I took that for granted when I used to see him doing that. But didn't he sort of wear pajamas and his slippers? Yeah. He would wear a bathrobe on stage with nothing underneath it. I was working. This it. I was working. This is when I was working. I saw him. I was getting paid to work at an arena.

I was working at Great Woods Center for the Performing Arts when I was 19. And Rodney was there backstage. He didn't give a fuck. He had no underwear on, no clothes on. He wore a fucking bathrobe. And everybody's like, his cock is just fucking hanging out. He doesn't give a shit roddy what do you say kid what do you say he'd be back there just getting fired up on weed and he would

go on stage in his bathrobe and he fucking destroyed there's him in his bathrobe that's how he would dress backstage his balls would be peaking out it's not bullshit he didn't give a fuck he didn't give a fuck man he didn't want to wear anything but a bathrobe. And so he would go on stage like that and he would feel so funny because he was fucking naked up there. And it was half of the fun. Half of the fun of the show was he was peeking.

I never knew the bathrobe thing. All I knew was the pajamas. But that's just beautiful. I'll never forget, man. I was about, I guess I was probably 19 years old and I was in this back area where the performers go right before they go on stage. And I got a glimpse of Rodney, like pacing before he went on in his bathrobe. And I wasn't even, I had no comedic aspirations back then whatsoever, like zero, but I always loved standup comedy. And so I remember looking in there and going, holy shit, that's fucking Rodney Dangerfield right there there and he's in a bathrobe and then we they

would all tell me like the guys who were backstage the security was doing back there they were like dude his balls are hanging out he's just partying he's like he gives zero fucks he's like 70 or something great i don't know how old he was back then but he had to be in his 60s like deep in the 60s he was still doing blow he didn't give a fuck he was a maniac you know the way the way the way i explained what it was like explain what it was like to meet rodney i was trying to explain this i think over the years like i think once when i was uh somebody in my family or something i was like it was very hard but i think i i i can do a better job of it now but like you know how we'll never get to meet homer simpson yeah he's a character right right and you're not gonna get

to meet peter from the family you know these are you don't get to meet them yeah but never get to meet Homer Simpson. Yeah. He's a character. Right, right, right. And you're not going to get to meet Peter from The Family. You know, you don't get to meet them. Yeah. But you get to meet Rodney. Yeah. Like, you're not supposed to get to meet him. He's so larger than life that it's hard. Yeah, I have seen other people that are on TV when I was younger,

and when I saw them in public, yes, I was like, oh, yeah, there's that person. But Rodney was different. It was like, what the fuck? That's real. Yeah. Because he was such, you know, like a cartoon character. You know what I mean? In a good way. He was like, what the fuck? That's real. Yeah. Because he was such a cartoon character. You know what I mean?

In a good way. In the movies, too. When we were kids. And he was larger than life. Much larger than life. It sounded like I just was disrespectful. No, no. It didn't sound like that at all.

Yeah, yeah. It was amazing. And then he knew, and he capitalized on it later with the suit and the red tie. There you see this. Oh, my God. So anything he said i went once to see bob nelson open up for him and he it's not a great story but it's all i've got so any little piece that i happen to have anything happened with rodney i'm happy you know so i

remember seeing him and being like that was just weird and then uh bob goes hey this is todd he's from philly and he goes that that's good. Philadelphia needs him. And we laughed so hard. Laughed so hard because it was funny. But later when he left, I went, what did that mean? I don't know. No one knew. It didn't matter what it meant.

It was Rodney. And it's not like we were fake laughing. It was just him fucking being that funny. Philadelphia needs him. It was funny. I got a chance to see him live then and then several years later at the Laugh Factory. I got to see him at the Laugh Factory on Sunset a couple times there. Like when?

Like what year? I would say it was the 90s. And how was it? Did he go up and do a pretty tight set? Amazing. He was killer. He was killer even back then. I mean, he didn't go on stage and half-ass it, that's for sure. He was crushing. He was killer even back then. He didn't go on stage and half-ass it, that's for sure.

He was crushing. He was really funny. And he was just chilling, hanging out. His wife was with him, attractive woman who was like 30, 40 years younger than him. And he just looked like he was having a great fucking time. He rode that thing right into the fucking rocks. He took that boat and just... And rode it right into the rocks he's 70 years old and he's crushing on stage partying hanging out with a hot senorita jesus christ

he was an animal that's lord that's that's so much like you know that's when you look at it from that perspective it's like just amplifies what you already know is like yeah yeah fucking he really did yeah he really did. Yeah, he really did. I'm sure a lot of it's true, but the thing that most people know is by the time he could enjoy it, he felt it was too late. But he still had a lot of fun, right? Yeah. Oh, he had a great fucking time. Yeah.

He was Rodney Dangerfield. And he was nice to people, too. That was the other thing about Rodney. He helped comics out. His HBO specials were legendary like a lot of people don't really even um know like what a huge stand-up he was he was a huge comedian like great woods where i worked where he performed i mean i don't know how many thousands of people it is it has to be at least like seven or eight thousand people in the in the part that's

covered and then there's like this back like hill area that's like the grass which is all like open wandering around it was really crazy like what their idea was ridiculous because the idea was you would take these people and you and some of them would be seated in this beautiful amphitheater and then past them you just stuff the grass with this enormous patch of grass with savages who couldn't hear anybody who was talking on stage. So it was really unfortunate because he would be performing. That's where you saw him? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got to see him close, though. I heard it. But then I went to the grass because people were complaining. They were coming down. They would say, hey, we can't understand a fucking word he's saying. We got tickets for the grass. And so I went out to the grass and I was like, oh, no. You couldn't hear anything.

It was this weird echoey thing. So when it would come out of the amphitheater, you had no idea what he was talking about. You'd hear people laugh and you would go, oh, fuck, this is terrible. So they like ripped all these people off. And so they, you know, they unfortunately didn't get a chance to see him. But he was in his prime, man. He was a really fucking, really funny guy. But his big thing was helping other comedians.

Those HBO comedy festivals launched Kinison, launched Dice Clay, launched Bill Hicks. Yeah. And you know what? I'm going to give him a huge compliment. It's not like I'm complimenting myself because I don't know if I... We only can live to see if I got to that point if I did what Rodney did. But up to now, I haven't. So I'm not doing it from a place of judgment. So it's nobody's job to come

and help other comedians. I'm not saying it from that point of view. No, no, no. Sometimes you get someone that loves comedy so much that on their own they go, you know what? There's some people I know who are fucking funny. Back then it wasn't even TV. There wasn't a lot of avenues, so it was Rodney's specials.

They weren't getting on The Tonight Show. Some did both, but a lot were like his vehicle. So no one since Rodney has ever done that. No, no one. And if I'm wrong, I want to know. I'm not saying if somebody looks something up and goes, this comedian did it, I'd be like, well, they're cool too. Martin Lawrence, didn't he?

No, no, no, no, no. Robert Townsend did a few of those he did a few of those didn't he do a few of those where he brought up different comics like damon wayans i remember did one then yeah so so i like that that's a guy that kind of disappeared robert townsend remember that guy yeah whatever happened to that guy yeah that's a good question he's sort of i don't know what happened he was really respected it was hilarious he was really respected. He was hilarious. He was really funny. Didn't he do, what did he do? It wasn't the Hollywood Shuffle, was it?

I don't know. What was his movie? I'm not good with movies. Yeah, I'm not either, man. Yeah, Robert Townsend. Oh, my God. Yeah, he was hilarious, man. Whatever happened to that dude? I remember that special where he came what was the special

where he came out and he was talking in the accent and then he oh he broke character after like a minute i don't remember that was on one of rodney's maybe was it yeah but anyway i hope that came out right because that's just very admirable that rodney did that and you know what made it even more admirable because he was so big it's not like he needed it certain comedians may have done it when they're at a point in their career when it needs them or they need it. Rodney didn't need that. I think he used his power to get a special and do something he wanted to do.

I don't think he needed that. Rodney, they called you. They want you to host this. It was something he perpetuated that he had sort of moved past. That's why it was sort of cool. This is Robert Townsend right here. Is this Hollywood Shuffle? That's Meteor Man.

Meteor Man. He did a lot of really funny movies, man. And he was a funny comic, too. Yeah. Yeah, what's he doing now? I don't know. Where is he? Maybe he just said, you know what, I'm good.

He's only 56. You know who also dresses, like, pretty much how they want on stage and almost every day is Don Barris. He'll just wear, like, boxers and, like, a jet pack. You know who also dresses pretty much how they want on stage and almost every day is Don Barris. He'll just wear boxers and a jet pack. Yeah, well, that's the thing. Be uncomfortable. What do you wear on stage?

Whatever I'm wearing. I like to wear something that's not too distracting. I like to wear something that's comfortable. I usually like to wear, like, I wear Converse All-Stars pretty much every day. Once I started wearing those, I realized, like, if I wear a regular shoe now, like anything that has a heel, like a running shoe, it feels weird to be, like, in that different posture. You're not supposed to stand like that.

You're supposed to stand flat. So I wear, like, them because they're flat and comfortable. You feel like you're tilting forward. You are. It's so rare for me. The only time I wear shoe shoes is when I do the UFC. Do you think, like, even, I know exactly what you're talking about because I've put the, I get used to it after a while, but there's a pair of boots.

And after I'm not wearing them for a while, I go, what am I, I'm tilting forward here. So imagine how women do that. Do you think that, yes, I'm going to take from that to this, but I'm curious of your opinion on this. Do you think like for women wearing high heels, it might hurt them more than they maybe think? Because it's a horrible thing to do to yourself. I think it's probably really difficult to do every day. I think women who wear them every day to their job, like they wear high heels around the office constantly. If that's all you wear at work, I got to think that's brutal and punishing on your feet.

I got to think that. Yeah. I don't see how it couldn't be. Could you be doing, let me ask you this. Some people go, could you be doing it just for yourself? Instead of hooding it from, you know. So you could, no, I don't, you could be? Yeah, they can do it for other girls.

There's a misperception about women that everything they do is to attract men. And that certainly has some merit to it. Right. But it's not everything. They also do it to show up other girls. Yeah. Like, girls, and to be, like, impressive to other girls. Oh, that's that Chinese thing, that foot binding thing that they do.

Whoa. Jesus Christ. Where they smash their feet down. They want their feet to be small. People are so crazy. The size of the feet means so much to them buying their feet up into these crazy positions oh that's so crazy at all the things that people do that is one of the weirdest ones all the body modification things that people do culturally like really common body modifications the foot binding one is so bizarre like really common body modifications. The foot binding one is so bizarre. Like really, really fucking weird.

Yeah, that's not just respecting other cultures. That's, come on, that's a problem. It's torture. There's a problem. It's torture. There's something insane about it. Women in Africa that are the Suri women, who are, I think it's Suri,

where they make that big plate in their face, the young ones are rejecting it now. They're going, fuck that. This is crazy. Like, I'm not wearing a fucking plate in my lip anymore. young ones are rejecting it now. They're going, fuck that. This is crazy. I'm not wearing a fucking plate in my lip anymore. There's a cultural rift where the young ones don't want to knock their teeth out and wear this plate. You have to knock your lower teeth out to wear those plates.

It's fucking crazy. You drool all the time. Now they're knowledge because we're in a computer age where they're... They're not even getting... I don't even think they're getting that much impact from the computer world than these like really remote tribes i'm not sure i probably were wrong i'm probably wrong that's probably someone with a laptop and a fucking cellular connection that gets online or something well i gotta feel like you're wearing you and me you're really in a super tribal

environment they've you know topless wearing skins and stuff like some of them it's like really crazy like how similar that the way they're living today as the way they were living like hundreds of thousands of years ago what were we talking about right like just leading up to this but the same thing um body modifications foot binding oh yeah the foot binding yeah what i was thinking and and there's got to be one of your listeners could could look this up for you guys or you could there's got to be someone that's living today that did that but move past it in this world there's got to be one that tells a story do your foot i think once your foot's bound up you're fucked or did it but then you're right i'm sorry did it and then tells the story like move past it mentally as a point going that was

what am i doing and had a you know people i don't know how you would do that though like can it be somebody what is stuck like that forever no no undo your thought like explain the thought process oh then well i think it's just cultural conditioning you know there's a we have a really weird problem as human beings that once a group of us start doing a thing even if that thing is ultimately detrimental once a group of us start doing it people want to join in it is ultimately detrimental, once a group of us start doing it, people want to join in. It seems normal. We can rationalize because other ones are doing it. It makes sense.

That's how the lip thing gets started. You put this giant plate in your lip, and the bigger the plate, the more cattle you're worth. What is that noise? Do you hear that? You know what I thought it was? I thought you were bringing in like a- A sound effect?

Yeah. It's like a- Oh, it's an airplane. It sounds in like a... A sound effect? Yeah. It's like a... Oh, it's an airplane. It sounds like a... Is it an airplane? Yeah. It's about to crash. Space shuttle.

Okay, whatever. What was my point? I was doing my ventriloquism. That's pretty good. Look. What was my point? What was I talking about? Oh, we were talking about...

Oh, the modification, the foot binding thing. Oh, all that stuff is really bizarre. Yeah. The foot binding, the lip thing. You know, it's really bizarre that there's these cultures out there that are really still, like, super, super primitive to this day. Apparently, a lot of them are, like, really fucking happy and healthy, though. That's the weird thing about these indigenous people when you find them. You don find a lot of like problems that a lot of people in the city have like psychological problems it's very rare it's very rare that people have like psychological issues

well they're the winners right i mean seriously oh if they're happy i guess so jesus but i don't think it's impossible to be happy in this world i I think that there's a lot of people that don't get there, but I think it's possible. I think it's possible for anybody to be happy in this world. I agree. I think that this world, though, is insanely complex, and it requires a much more rigid idea of what you're going to accept and not accept in your life, and what you're going to put out there, and what you're going to try to get back. Now, I think that it's very, very, very complex. This is an insanely intricate and woven society. And these cultural tribes, it's really what we're designed for. We're designed for these hut environments, these places

where there's 500 of us that live in a village together. That's what we're designed for psychologically. That's what our brains are designed for. When you jack it up to 7 billion people in contact with each other, it's going to require some adjustments. And that's what we're going through right now. It's not that it's going to be impossible for people to be happy in this crazy day and age. It's just a little bit more difficult to manage. And it brings me to this movie that I just watched. I was on a plane coming back from England and I watched Summertime in Paris. I think that's what it is. Is that Woody Allen's movie?

Was it Summertime in Paris? Let me see if it's the Owen Wilson movie. It's so hot out here. Well, that's what was really funny. He was doing Woody Allen movie. Woody Allen movie. Come on. What's the movie?

Springtime in Paris? Forget your troubles. Come on. What's the movie? Springtime in Paris? Forget your troubles. Come on, get happy. When you Google Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris. That's what it is. Midnight in Paris. Sorry, not summertime.

Durr. And it was hilarious in this weird... Well, it was a good movie, first of all. But it was... What's it about? It's about a guy. It's basically a Woody Allen movie. He's Woody Allen.

Owen Wilson's doing Woody Allen. Like, even his mannerisms. But he's not admitting it. No, no, no. He's not admitting it at all. He's... Like, is this a trailer for it? Is that one of those things that nobody will...

Watch how he does it. Like, look. I'm in love with you. He's so measured and even. It's very Woody Allen-like. We just decided to reload a lot. That's great. We can spend some time together. I think we have a lot of commitments, but I'm sure it's...

What? Oh, yeah. Did you have your slippers on when you watched this? No. I was naked. I'm not sure I'm not just this. No, he was never married to Rose. I hope you're not going to be as antisocial tomorrow.

I'm not quite as taken with him as you are. He's a pseudo-intellectual. Slightly more tannic than the 59 Epiphany. Wait a second. Okay. Yeah. It's great, right? I remember thinking you're right, and then I go, don't just say he's right to say he's right.

Like, Todd, really pay attention. But once you look for it, then you just see it every single joke. He's doing Woody Allen, and he does it brilliantly. It's brilliant. He's really amazing in this movie. He's perfect. Would his contemporaries think he should just sort of give an homage to it, or do you have to mention it? No.

I don't know if you do, but that's what he's doing. I think Woody wrote it for—I mean, he's playing a character, obviously. He's not playing Owen Wilson. Woody wrote it. Oh, he did? It's a Woody Allen film. Oh, you didn't know it was a Woody Allen film? I didn't. Oh, okay. Yes. It's a Woody Allen film. What if I ran out crying?

Yeah, writer and director Woody Allen. It's so obviously a Woody Allen movie that basically Owen and him agreed that he would do it as Woody Allen. So it's like he can't do those movies anymore, but he's got them in his head. But Woody can't really star in movies anymore. People don't want to see him anymore. That whole thing with his daughter and this is just – it got so weird with so many people that regardless of whether they're happy or not it's so taboo taboo that they've sort of ostracized him they allow him to be behind the scenes but if he's in front of the camera like

people are really sketchy about it unfortunately or fortunately but could this work for him yes dude you should get owen wilson do every fucking movie and do it as woody allen and woody allen could crank out a million fucking hits that would be be amazing. I'm telling you, this movie did not get nearly as much credit. It only got a 7.7 on the IMDb. I don't know if that's good or bad. But I thought it was a Woody Allen movie. And if you take a... Again, some people are not willing to take away their feelings of him as an individual.

I didn't even know that much about it. To appreciate his work. I don't know. I know there was some madness with him and his wife and the wife. Don't mention his work. I don't know. I know there was some madness with him and his wife. Don't mention his wife. Yeah, she... Well, you know that woman.

Makes it look like I know her. What was her name? Woody Allen and Mia Farrow. And look, man, they're a couple fucking Hollywood people. Who knows what the fuck the truth really is? They're a bunch of nutty people. But ultimately, he wound up leaving with her adopted daughter.

Oh, yes, I know about that. So that's crazy, man. I mean, he was with her from the time when she was like two. Don't try to be funny. Have an opinion about that. That's weird, right? I didn't know it was until two. That's fucked up.

Yeah, I mean, I think they adopted her when she was a baby. She wasn't his biological daughter. So if it's true, obviously, judgment, all the judgment is fine, but if it's not, what if... Well, it is. He has a relationship with her. He's married to her, he has kids with her. Oh, no. What am I saying is true?

It's not if it's true. It's definitely true. That's right. It's the moral judgment. It's like, if she became a woman, and that's what she really wanted, and that's what he really wanted, is that a bad thing? You know, everybody wants to decide that it is. And I think, you know, ultimately that's the snap judgment. And that's the one that I would take. I would go, oh, he's a fucking creep. That's his daughter. when we're dealing with what you should and shouldn't be able to do, and if ultimately this is what two adult people want to do. It sounds disgusting to me, but I don't feel like it's within my jurisdiction to tell adult people what they can and can't do together,

whether it's a brother and sister. A brother and sister are in their 40s, and they decide to start fucking each other. Why do I care? The only reason why I would care is if they decided to make children and there could be some harm to the children. Why is it a law against them fucking each other? I mean, I don't want to do it to my sister. I love my sister.

She's my sister. It would make me feel disgusting to have sex with her. I've never thought about it once. But if you do, what do I give a fuck? Can I tell you why I err if i had to like i call gun to my head go which way is better your way or the way we do it now i always say go on that way because every time we evolve we don't look past and may think we made any mistakes and you know we never went you know the one group we were too fair to who knows like it just seems like it always

the story's gonna be most likely everything you're saying and like who knows what year they'll be like there'll be some kid after you wait it used to be wrong to date your your brother so it'd be like yeah i mean years that they would make you know they'll tell the story and she about who you fucked yeah not to me and it's funny that me and you both need to say because it doesn't has it doesn't have interesting introspect if it's interesting to one of us. To think of having sex with my brother, fucking the gross... I don't get where I'm at by the... I get by... That's what everyone else does. They think, well, I wouldn't want to have sex with that person, so that must be gross.

That's what people think of gay people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So am I turning around and doing that to another group right now? I don't know, but fuck it. I'm erring on your side and going going leave everybody the fuck alone. I think as long as you're dealing with two sober adults. That's, you know, I got, whenever I'm high and I talk about stuff, I get nervous. That would

be the one detail that I would look like an idiot if I go, wait Todd, that was between this age and that age. I go, oh my god, no, I was thinking of consenting adults. Adults. And consenting adults, yeah. Yeah, 18 and over, you, you know, mistakes or no mistakes, you're certainly going to make them. You're responsible for a certain amount of your actions from a certain age on.

It should be very difficult to trick you. That's what we try to do. We try to make it legal to fuck you when it's really difficult to trick you. Really, people should be able to fuck until they're 30. Okay? It should be illegal to fuck until you're 30 under that standard. I'm petrified right now. I'm sorry.

I wasn't listening because I'm petrified to think, did I just say that being gay was like fucking your brother or sister? No. I didn't say that, right? No, you said that that's how some people would feel about being gay. You as a gay man are repulsed by the idea of fucking your brother. But some people would think about that as gay sex, you know, just having sex with a man. Or brother and sister. Make it brother and sister so it's not weird.

No, it's a perfect analogy because why does anyone care what two people that are adults decide to do? Whether it's two women or two men or four women and six men. Who cares if they are all in agreement and they all are consenting and everybody's sober and no one gets tricked? Because there's plenty of people making psychological mistakes by who they date. Oh, yeah. So even if it's because it's a guy and a girl, there's a million reasons. So this is one more.

Maybe you shouldn't do it and why it's – I was sort of halfway, knew where I was going, and then I got lost. is one more maybe you shouldn't do it and why it's i was sort of halfway knew where i was going and then i got lost well the idea of someone being able to tell someone else what they should enjoy whether it's sex or music or anything right even if we right if you if you're a person who likes getting your feet sucked you love it and everybody else thinks it's fucking disgusting if if someone else likes sucking feet and you two get together, that's awesome. You know? I mean, it might freak you out if that's your next door neighbor and you're like,

hey, he just sucks feet all the time. They go over to the guy's house, his feet all over the wall and his fucking feet phones. He's just a crazy foot sucker. You know? Don't put that out, dude. Don't put that out. You know what I sort of get from what you're saying right now is that, and it's good, I like to You know what I sort of get from what you're saying right now? And it's good.

I like to remind myself. I think of myself as leave everybody the fuck alone and don't judge everybody. And just, I know. As long as the people are adults. Then maybe I catch myself doing. Of course. You can have limitations where you can say. There's obviously.

That's two consenting fucking adults. But maybe even though I think I'm open-minded. You're right. Like that. You know, if I thought I would make judgment-minded, you're right, like that, you know, if I thought, I would make judgment on someone, you're right, maybe, or make stupid jokes, like what you were just talking about. Right, right, right. The foot sucking.

Yeah. Well, why the fuck? I don't want to be that person. Yeah, he likes feet. Some people like sucking feet. I don't want to be that person who goes, hey, you know that guy? Yeah, it's weird. We all do it.

I think we do it also because we're insecure and because it's weird We all do it I think we do it also Because we're insecure And because It's also Not even necessarily It's a jump reaction That people have To something that's

Very different from them And guess what If you found it out And I'm saying Maybe someone hearing this Would be like You know what I might do that

But now I'm not going to Here's what it is You don't want to be That person that goes Hey you know that guy For no reason at all Just you found it out about that person. Two years later, you're still going, yeah, he's a good guy.

I found out he likes sucking feet. How do you know? Well, some picture got published. Why do you have to keep telling everybody that? Yeah, why do you? Now, look, I don't like sucking feet. I don't want everyone to get nervous. There's a picture of me.

Oh, that's a joke. I was doing a sketch. You're sucking feet in a sketch? You're like, you had a picture of me Oh that's a joke I was doing a sketch You suck your feet in a sketch? You're like If you had a picture of me Sucking feet in a sketch That was an old SNL audition That I used to make

My own tapes That was this thing I used to do That's hilarious That's so funny Jesus I'm gonna leave I'm gonna

I'm gonna leave More people alone That's all I wanna do Listen it's fine You're not alienating Anybody with foot suckers Oh yeah that I know It's a small segment You don't have to worry Or they could laugh at it That's my I want to do Listen it's fine You're not alienating Anybody with foot suckers Oh yeah that I know It's a small segment

You don't have to worry Or they could laugh at it That's my rule Like I think I try to adhere to that Like someone that did suck feet Could listen to this You know yeah and laugh

Yeah I don't think They're going to be offended I think we're pretty much Giving them the green light Thank you We're giving everybody The green light As long as you're not

Hurting anybody else But it's one of those things Where like Have you ever told someone That you like a certain thing And they go Oh that fucking sucks But it doesn't suck to me do you know i like it i actually do like it i like this band i like that like food yeah it's like so many things that we're

comfortable to talk about that we don't like no one has to be lie they like italian food but some areas it's like kimchi you'd like kimchi get the fuck out of here You like kimchi They'll get mad at you You like kimchi And I go I buy it I like it It's delicious

Leave me alone The fuck is wrong with you bro You're eating kimchi over there It would never do that If someone goes You got a red You like a red car Can't believe

Yeah I like different Red is a little tricky Red's a little douchey Well I don't have a red car You have a red sports car? You almost got one didn't you? Never had a red car in my life What color is your car?

You were about to get one though You were like I'm thinking about just getting a red car What color is your car? I get silly What color is your car? White White? White

What kind of car? It's a Porsche And is it Of course Wait I wouldn't even ask I was going to say is it a four door No no no But they make those now I know I know Here even ask. I was going to say, is it a four-door? No, no, no. But they make those now.

I know, I know. Here's the thing. I thought, like, you know when you don't know? I don't know. Like, it seems to be, because one person I knew that likes Porsches was like, no, that's not cool. And then I thought, oh, do people think they're not cool? But not knowing when I just saw one, I was like, fuck. I don't even, that's not the type of car I usually like.

It just looked like a cool sedan. Yeah. I didn't know it was a Porsche until I looked. There's a problem that people have with rich people items like that. They automatically dismiss them as being a douchey thing to have because so many douchey people own them. But the reality is, what they are

is marvels of engineering. They're these amazing creations by these geniuses and artisans. I mean, to me, that's what it is. It's an expression of art. It's geometric art. It's functional, mechanical art. They figured out how to make this exciting,

exhilarating thing that performs in a way that other cars don't. And it looks great. It's like a cool, sleek, like, I like the way they designed it. I think it's a beautiful piece of engineering. You know, it's funny you mention that because there's something I probably do.

Like, I sometimes, like, we've talked about on the show that I wouldn't want to pull up. There's a lot of cars where I do my show. I look down on these cars. Oh, there's so many that I fucking love. Like I could just, I get it, the sight lines. I'm more of an SUV guy, I think. But I can look at so many of those cars. But I wouldn't drive one to the improv because I've said this on my show.

I go, because I don't know you, but what the fuck? Why? Why not? That's like doing exactly the opposite of what I preach to do. It's like, and I prejudge. I do. I prejudge. Yeah, we all do.

But I know that person might drive it up for the same reason that I sit upstairs and look down at the cars and go, fuck, look at that one. Look at that. We go over and we touch it and the paint feels different and thicker. But yet I would be afraid to do it. Well, maybe. You shouldn't be. Tomorrow I'm going to buy a Doom Buggy.

What if that's the car that I want? Do it. One of those crazy VW Bugs that has like the extra wide fender flares and engine exposed. Drive around with that convertible. That's the one I like. Joe Rogan told me it's all right. Just paint it whatever fucking color you like. It's like a bubble machine I have going out of it. like. Joe Rogan told me it's all right. Just paint it whatever fucking color you like. It's like a bubble machine I have going out of it.

Talk to Joe Rogan. It's inside of it. It's constantly blowing bubbles. A little sound. Todd Glass, ladies and gentlemen. Pulling up to his spot. When Todd told me, you know, this is you going, when Todd told me that he would appreciate a car,

I thought he meant like an old Porsche. I didn't know he was going to get that. He's blaming me. I mean, yes, technically. A dune buggy with a full roll cage. I was so jealous in my neighborhood when someone had a dune buggy. This guy's got a dune buggy at the bottom of the ocean? Is that what this is?

It's a beetle cage car where they can drive around on the bottom of the ocean. Oh, that's hilarious. And there's a cage so sharks can't get in. That's incredible. Yeah. Oh my God, what a genius idea. What if a little shark swims in there

and bites you right in the dick? There's plenty of holes in that fucking thing. They're crazy. Yeah, they're... I would need weapons and Kevlar. What do you do?

I have... You know the whole SeaWorld thing that's going on. I hate it. Have you? I hate the idea. I've spent too much time paying attention to killer whales and dolphins and reading about them. I hate it. Well, let me ask you a question.

It's slavery. It's slavery to an alien animal that we don't understand. What do you do with people that, like, if they can, look, there's some things I do that make me hypocritical. And I'm asking you to help me fight the fight. What do you do with this? Because, you know, someone will go, what about – so I agree with – I agree 100%. It's like, no, come on. Like, the way we will treat them is the way we treat each other.

It's more than that. Even if it's just – not that it has to do with it, but it does. Even if it ended right there in that animal's pain and it didn't affect the way those humans that can do that treat other people. On that alone, it's wrong. But don't think for a second that that's not also – if you have the ability to do that, you're not bringing home a good energy to your kids. Those people that fucking do that, they go home to children. They pass that. There's something vile and unaware of a human thing to slug it in.

Now, what do I do with people that go, you eat meat, and that's the way it's – what I've set up until now is this. I go, I don't want to be a smoker that smokes because I can't quit. I want to be the smoker I was. I used to smoke, and while I smoked, I knew it was vile and disgusting. I didn't think, well, I don't have the ability to quit, so I'll make pretend and give a public outward thing of going, you know, you can eat a candy bar too.

You know those people that write it off because they can't quit. I just called it vile, and that led to me quitting one day. So I want to do the same thing with the meat just because I'm lazy or whatever it is right now, and I might be partaking in some of that slaughtering because of the way I eat every day. It doesn't negate that I know it's wrong and Right. And SeaWorld thing, like, come on. How can someone think that's okay, Joe? And some of your listeners you know might disagree with us. Just like the SeaWorld thing, just when you hear the facts and the size and you get it, it's a bathtub. And that they take away from its family and all that.

What listening person right now, and I mean that wholeheartedly, is sitting home going, oh, it's SeaWorld. Come on. Now you're being ridiculous. It's worse than prison. Okay? person right now and i mean that wholeheartedly is sitting home going oh it's sea world come on now you're being ridiculous it's worse than prison okay because it's being imprisoned by an alien species prison at least you could talk to the guards it's it's an insane relationship that they have those killer whales have with those trainers and it's it's atrocious the idea is insane they are incredibly intelligent they have a very complex language that we can't decipher. They have different accents for different regions. They recognize each other.

They have very tight-knit colonies. They stay together forever. We just can't appreciate the way they live their life. But their world is a magical wonderland where they are the top dog of the sea. They kill sharks, man. They got their name, Killer Whale, because they kill whales. They kill small whales. They'll got their name, killer whale, because they kill whales. They kill small whales. They'll go up to like a humpback whale, have a child, and they'll tear it apart. I watched a horrible video of it the other day. I mean, we like to think of orcas as

being these like really sweet things that jump for fish. They're murderous machines when they're out there in the wild. They kill dolphins on a regular basis. But for them, that's the spoils of the real world. That's how they got to the top of the food chain, by being these ruthless, super intelligent motherfuckers that live in this playground of the ocean. And they migrate up and down the coast, and they've done so for thousands and thousands of years, until this fucking tiny blip in time, this industrialized age, this age of aquariums, this age where they figured out how to capture those fucking things and stuff them into fucking swimming pools. It is slavery. It should be highly illegal. The people that want to do it should, without a doubt,

they should tax them out of fucking business. There should be no way you should be able to profit off Taking a thing and making it do tricks and when you find out how they train them and you hear the things they do they isolate Them and put them in small tanks. They put there. It's way crazier than putting a person in solitary confinement They have most stuff together physically. They can't fucking move they wind up biting each other in aggravation. It's slavery, it's just slavery of a They can't fucking move. They wind up biting each other in aggravation. It's slavery. It's just slavery of a non-human but equal level intelligence. We have this idea that just because they can't alter their environment with their fingers, that they're not super intelligent.

But that's our own biases. They're insanely intelligent. In fact, their cerebral cortex is something like 40% larger than a human being's. We don't know what the fuck,'re going on in their mind but they're absolutely aware that what we're doing to them is not what they want. They want to be fucking free and just because you charge money and say well it's gonna go to conservation you know what else will go to conservation? Awareness. Let people know what magical animals they are. People will donate. By the way whenever I hear more on podcasts

where we'll ask those type of questions, I go, who, I always go, if I had a show, and people go, you do have a show, I go, yeah, but I mean, got near the people that I want to ask the questions. How come nobody has told them yet, in a better way than I could tell, ask this? But no one, I've never asked, saw one interviewer when they're interviewing these people that say,

well, we give a lot of money, would you be able to molest a group of children, but then give $7 million a year to the cause of molestation? Does that erase it? No. It's like, there's such a, like Dr. Phil calls a paper argument. Like, you're making an argument that's not really being had. Like, you're trying to act like the argument is

why do you give money to the... Well, that's the argument also for hunting. You know, the argument for hunting is that when you hunt, the hunters pay for tags and those tags pay for conservation. And, in fact, hunters do better. There's more money that comes to conservation for preserving animals that come from hunting than I think almost any other source. Is hunting bad?

No, no. Not only is it not bad, it's important. Right, that's what I thought. You have to manage the levels of the car. If you've ever been on a road in, like, Wisconsin or some shit like that, like, late at night, you have to manage that. Like, people are going to die. Like, unless you introduce predators into the environment, unless you introduce wolves, which is equally dangerous, you know, and we're starting to see the results of that. There's people that are getting attacked by wolves.

A guy was hunting with his friend, and they had a fight off a fucking wolf pack. This was really recently. And they were trying to fight over an elk carcass, and they had a fight off a fucking wolf pack. This was really recently. And they were trying to fight over an elk carcass. And it becomes a real issue. And they dominate areas. And they don't take kindly to some new hunter coming in. There's a video I put up on Twitter.

A guy runs into wolves while elk hunting. I put it up a while ago. Just look up on YouTube, ran into wolves while elk hunting. And there was this really fucking crazy video of these dudes elk hunting and these wolves are around them circling them howling and shit it's fucking eerie and they're like oh shit but they have guns so they're not freaking out too much but they're like oh shit this is crazy like the wolves like following them looking around at them like they would hear one over there and then one would run through the woods in front of them. It was really fucking weird. Coyotes, that's what we see in Los Angeles.

Or is it wolves? It's coyotes. When I see a coyote on my street, if it's anywhere near my house, like especially in front of my house, I will rather, if I had the money, I would go check into a hotel. Because I'm always afraid when I get out of the car, they're going to be lurking out of every tree around my house. So it's like I just picture that. I get creeped.

And I bolt from my house to my front door. You should. They give me the... A guy just got bit in Colorado. A guy got attacked by coyotes at a bus stop. I like that you're legitimizing it. Wolf hunting surrounded by wolves with a bow. It's the first one.

You know what? See this, Brian? Just wolf hunting. Yeah. Listen to the fucking sounds these things are making. These guys were out there hunting, and the wolves started circling them and finding out where they were and, like, communicating with each other. They would, like, one of them would pop out, and they were, like, staring at the dudes,

and then they would go back into the forest, and another one would come from a different direction. They were all making these crazy noises, man. It's really fucking badass. If they're hungry enough, right? Oh, they'll kill you for sure. If they think they can get away with it, but they're very aware of these dudes,

and so they're letting these dudes know. The first one was white, wasn't it? But they have their guns. How? No, they have bows and arrows. How different are they from... They're sketchy. Like coyotes.

Much, much bigger. Much bigger. Much bigger, much stronger, much scarier, much smarter. They eat coyotes. They kill coyotes all the time. They're like goldfish. No, no, no, no, no, no. Coyotes are sneaky fucks, man.

They're very sneaky. They figure out how to get over fences and shit. Coyotes figure out a lot of ways to get into your... They get into my yard, man. They got into my yard. I have a high fence. Yeah, so he's blowing an elk horn to try to get them to come over. And that might have been what they

responded to in the first place. They blow these horns that sound... They have two different ones. One of them that sounds like a male elk, which is kind of scary. And another one that sounds like a male elk, which is kind of scary. And another one that sounds like a female or a baby. And that's what brings the wolves around. So these guys are going to soon have wolves around them. They have wolves around them right now.

Oh, they do? They're making these, they're still, these fucking assholes are still making these calls. Because they're elk hunting. They're looking to get an elk. But they're not going to get an elk right now. Because there's wolves everywhere. There's a thing going on right now in part of the country where they've reintroduced wolves, because the wolf population had been decimated.

So they reintroduced wolves, but they used a larger Canadian wolf. So like a, you know, it's like using Germans instead of pygmies. You know what I mean? Like they're both wolves, but one of them's a motherfucker that gets to be about 200 pounds.

And so these things, these big ass wolves have been decimating these elk populations. So that's your options. If hunting, if you don't want hunting, you have to bring in wolves.

I'd say we're probably safer with the hunting. No, I always knew. Matter of fact, I was surprised because I always thought I couldn't hunt myself, but I always knew that that,

I thought that that was always a good way. Yes. That's an honest – an animal has a life. Yes. It doesn't suffer. I know I couldn't – they get killed, but you're talking about in the plants where an animal's whole life, the day it's killed is the best day of its life. And not only that. The life is absolutely wild as nature intended.

Nothing changes until that one moment and they get shot. So it is the freest of free range possible. And a lot of times they've never even seen a person before. And a lot of times also you're dealing with environments, especially, I went hunting in Montana and they lose a giant amount every year. Just they freeze to death. They get killed by predators, they freeze to death or they get lame. And if they get lame, they get killed by predators. I mean, there's a lot of different predators in that area. We found mountain lion shit. And it was a log of mountain lion shit.

And it was filled with hair. So it was a deer hair. So that's how they go. They either freeze to death or they get killed by mountain lions. They're not going to make it. No one makes it. No deer die of old age. Doesn't happen.

Doesn't exist. So it's just a matter of who kills them. Whether it's a predator or whether it's a human, this fucking thing is dying in a couple years in a horrible way. Do you know I didn't realize

what you just said until, I don't remember what year it was, but it was in my adult life. Like, I always had this visualization, you know, visualize an animal a certain age. And oh, they grow.

What you just said, I sort of realized once. And I went, oh, they, do any? I mean And I went Do any? I mean statistically do any? No one makes it Maybe elephants

Maybe they used to Just get me in the right area I'll be happy Let's say you're a I don't want to pick an animal too far up How long does a deer live? If it's lucky it gets five years in It's got to be really lucky, though.

Really lucky. Super lucky. And then as it gets like six and seven, they get old and haggard, and then something takes them out. Either they break a leg, hop in a fence, and they freeze to death. That happens all the time. All the time. Especially in northern areas. Or predators get them. If they break a leg in California,

they're not going to freeze to death, but they'll probably get killed by something that comes along and finds them. You know how they say if it's cliche, it's true? Yeah. Nature can be cruel. Nature's a bitch. As you're talking, like half of this I never even would think of. I was like, forgot about the, they get old, they fall over. It's like, nature can be fucking cruel.

Well, not only that, there's also an amount of limited food supply. Depending upon the area, that's one of the things that conservationists do best, including these game wardens and the fishing game. They figure out how much land there is, how much food there is, how many animals can be sustained, and then what is the population. And then they release tags based on those estimates. So the whole idea behind it is managing populations. And they pull hunting back if there's any sort of a problem, if species are being extinct.

In fact, like bighorn sheep, when we were in Montana, these fucking things are everywhere. Oh, so you've hunted. I went hunting for deer. But when we were there, we saw more sheep than we saw deer. But it's really hard to get a sheep tag to kill a sheep, even though there's a lot of them, because they're trying to build up the population because they were decimated at one point in time. There was also, there's wolves there as well, Montana wolves. There's coyotes.

There's mountain lions. There's plenty of predators out there. So they didn't necessarily need humans to take care of this population. They want to build it up to a substantial size. You see that in Nevada as well. What's the most amount? It sounds like a weird question, but what's the most amount of animals you've, you know, I mean, like you could say 50 or 100 running together in nature, not on TV. In elk, you can see hundreds.

Have you? No, I've never seen it. But in Colorado, there's a town called Evergreen, and we were visiting, and there's this area of Evergreen where this main street is, and they have a photo. I think it's on their website. What's the most you've ever seen? I've seen several deer together, like four and five deer together. I think probably the most I've ever seen.

I've seen many times I've seen moose. I've seen five moose total you know but not more than two together i've never seen a moose yeah we talked about it the other night and we were saying well i swear to god we were well we were talking about the moose how we we thinking are we thinking of the cartoon moose or are we actually thinking of the real moose and we decided that no even the real moose? And we decided that, no, even the real moose has got some crazy characters. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Obviously, they amplify it, but even the real... So we pulled one up online. I was like, oh, yeah, that looks like something that shouldn't be real. That's what I thought. Someone told me that the nose, the length of the nose... Did you tell me this? No.

The length of the nose is because it warms the air up before it gets to the brain. Because you're dealing with something that's so fucking cold. The air is so fucking cold that they have to have this long nose. So as they breathe in the air, it gets heated up slowly along the way before it gets to their head. Because they're dealing with like 50 below zero weather. They don't hibernate. Oh, that's right.

I forgot about that. Where do moose... Alaska. They live in Alaska? No, they live in Montana, too, in Colorado, where someone had moose droppings that they had discovered. So they get into Colorado. There's moose in several states,

but in Alaska, they're really plentiful. I wonder if, because, you know, I mean, keep in mind, like, you know, that a lot of people aren't that bright. A lot are, but some aren't. So these are the ones I'm talking about. Like, how many... I don't know if moose killings, when people would see them, would be higher than other animals

because dumb people go, no, it's a moose. I'm not getting it. It's a ferocious animal. Would people ever get to be near mooses? Yeah, people die in moose attacks all the time. Is that true? Yeah. Oh, so maybe I'm right. Someone died recently in Anchorage on the school campus. I think a moose got in and killed somebody.

They panic and they'll stomp you to death if they're with their baby. All I'm thinking of is the happy moose, and I can't imagine them in a fit of rage. Well, twice we stumbled upon moose that had a child, and we were super careful. I bet they're cute. Jesus Christ. The child is big like a fucking Great Dane already. Oh, it's born? You think the size of a Great Dane?

No, but it was when we saw it. It was obviously a baby, but it was still, it was a big fucking animal, even though it was a baby. But the mother was huge. The mother was absolutely massive, and she just locked eyes with us. They're pretty acclimated to human beings, and they're pretty sure of when people are dangerous

and when they're not, but they also know that there's occasionally a bang sound that comes from people and then one of their friends disappears. Like they're aware. They're not sure what the fuck is going on, but they're aware. Oh, fucking people. You know, like if you're ever in a place that has like a lot of hunting pressure, the deer are super skittish.

But when you're in like Boulder, Colorado, when you drive around, deer are just chilling on the corner. Like as the cars are going back and forth, there's a 10-point buck just chilling on the corner eating grass. When cars are fucking flying around all around them, they don't give a fuck because there's zero pressure from hunters. And they start, yeah, like. They acclimate. Right, right. I mean, Boulder is crazy.

I've never seen a place like that. I got out with my kids and, you know And I made sure that I stood in front of them If the deer got really sketchy But usually they run away They don't try to be aggressive And the males especially Except when they're looking for girls That's when they can be dangerous

Towards the winter Towards the fall, the rut When they start getting really horny If you cock block a deer They'll fuck you up I'm scared I'm the biggest chicken of I'm not like if I could drive in the car I would appreciate it To be know. I'm scared. I'm the biggest chicken of, I'm not like if I could drive in

the car, I would appreciate it. But to be near it, I'm scared. You should be. It's a healthy intelligence is what it is. Every time I see a picture up there and I don't like it, it makes me paranoid. Of yourself? Yeah. Okay. Let's take it down. No, it's okay. Why? We don't need it. It's just a distraction. Newscaster hair. Yeah. We could just shut it up, right? No, I don't. Logo on or something. I don't want to freak you out. a distraction. Newscaster hair. Yeah, we could just shut it up, Brian. No, I don't... Put the logo on or something. I don't want to freak you out. Oh, wait, doesn't the audience see this? No, the audience sees it no matter what.

We just don't have to see it. Oh, see, there you go. Yeah. What are they seeing now? What were we just saying about the... Oh, yeah, so when I go to... You know D.C. where there's a lot of monuments and the squirrels are used to people?

If I see a squirrel from a distance by the way, you know there's no more squirrels in Lake Arrowhead? What? Isn't that weird? What do you mean? I almost, when somebody said it, I went no, there's maybe less. No more squirrels.

And then I asked somebody. There was something that happened about five years ago or seven years ago with some disease that was up there, West Nile type. I think that's what it was. I'm not positive. But it's the only thing. When we hear about, for me, I always just hear about, like you just said, when they're trying to save certain animals, they cut off the hunting in certain areas or we're trying not to kill whales or all that. But it was such a, to see an example of it to go after i realized

that i would start noticing i go no there's squirrel maybe there's no squirrels whoa that's just not exist like that shows you like the magnitude of like just fuck and that's what happens to other animals i just don't notice it oh from a distance they're so cute my mom had a squirrel but she knew that when it was at a certain age, she had to let it go. She's like smart enough. She's not going to be one of those people with an animal that belongs in nature. But she nursed it back to health. She found it in her garage.

Right. And then she just let it on her patio, but it wouldn't go anywhere. And it would just stay there. And, you know, I forget what happened. I've told this story two times, and each time I forget what happened. But she had it for a long time. Oh, she gave it to her friend

she couldn't it wouldn't leave her house and she couldn't take it anymore wow so her friend became the mama yeah

and then the same thing then after that I don't know what happened I got hit by a bus I'm just kidding what if that's why would I forget that that's a weird thing

that happens with wild animals though when you take them in is that to reintroduce them back to being wild is super difficult. They grew up getting food for free. Now they've got to go look for it?

Yeah, that's why it is. I don't know what you should do. Squirrels are the vegans of the rodent world. Oh, they don't eat meat? No, they eat nuts. That's why they're so sweet. That's why you don't have to worry about them. Rats, those cunts, they eat everything.

They eat fucking shit. They'll eat condoms. They'll eat your dick. They'll eat whatever have to worry about them. Like rats, those cunts, they eat everything. They eat fucking shit. They'll eat condoms. They'll eat your dick. They'll eat whatever's in front of them. Rats are assholes. That's, to me, you just gave legitimacy. Now, look, if I see any rodent, I get a little freaked out. But when I see a rat in New York City, here's what I think of.

Their belly filled with trash. How about filled with dead rats? Yeah. Oh, they'll eat other rats? Oh, fuck yeah, they will. They will eat rats in Encino. I lived in Encinoino and i had a rat in my garage a little rat problem i put my garbage in my garage before i would put it outside and these rats this apartment those hills up there in the encino they're infested with rats and this fucking giant rat got killed in a trap i

mean it was fucking huge it was as big as this thermos. His thermos is about, the body of the thermos is about 12 inches long. It was a huge rat. Just rat splat everywhere. It was, it got, you know, I had a big ass rat trap and it just smashed his head and killed him. But it was so big that I went out there. I was like, whoa. I was kind of freaked out. Well, I said, I'll clean that up in the morning.

I was a bachelor, you know, lazy bitch. I shut the light off. I shut the door. I go to bed. clean that up in the morning. I was a bachelor, you know, lazy bitch. I shut the light off. I shut the door. I go to bed. I get up in the morning and it's gone. The only thing that's left is its tail. They didn't eat the tail. They ate everything else. They ate the whole rat. They found out

it was fresh meat. It was their buddy. They were like, good, this guy was a dick anyway. Let's eat. And they ate him. And that's why rats are scary. Rats don't even wait for you to be cold before they eat you if you're their friend. They cannibalize like on the natch It's normal. That's how you get by there's no like stigma about why what are you doing? This girl puts a golf game the other day took a squirrel out of another guy's Why is the guy have a squirrel on his pants?

I don't know. Tiger's like, just get that squirrel. And then I thought he was pretty nice about it, but get the fucking squirrel off my neck. Are they friends? I don't know. Well, maybe they are. Is that his girlfriend?

Isn't that his girlfriend? Oh, it's his girlfriend. I think that's his girlfriend. She's a squirrel lover. What can you tell? What can you say? Yeah, they're the acceptable rodent. You know, I mean, you can have a pet rat.

Don't get me wrong. Guinea pigs are a little sketchy. But squirrels, like, oh, they're free and wild, but yet they're the acceptable rodent. You can have a pet rat, don't get me wrong. Guinea pigs are a little sketchy. But squirrels, like, oh, they're free and wild, but yet they're so cute. They're the only rodents we see in the wild. We go, oh, he's so cute. Which one? Squirrels. Because we have this attitude about them.

Oh, chipmunks, too. Because of their tail. Thank God they got their tail. Chipmunks are actually even cuter. They're adorable. When I was in Boulder, there was a lot of chipmunks out there. And we don't get grossed out by them, either. No, we don't get adorable.

And, again, same thing. But do they eat the same thing rats eat? Yeah, they eat a lot of chipmunks out there. And we don't get grossed out by them either. No, we don't get into it. And again, same thing. But do they eat the same thing rats eat? Yeah, they eat. No, no, no, no. The chipmunks are like, they're eating nuts. Nuts and leaves and shit like that. Maybe the rats are, maybe they're just because they, maybe if they wouldn't eat so much trash, we wouldn't, maybe we should tell them, stop eating trash and people won't be as scared

of you. Well, they carry diseases too. They absolutely carry diseases. They carry rabies. It wasn't, didn't rats have something to do with the Black Plague? Yeah. Didn't we research that once? I don't think I could.

I know I couldn't. That's the thing. I couldn't. If I set a rat trap, I could never go near it. I'm like biggest chicken in the world with that stuff. And I hate it. Like, I hate it. Like, one time I saw a bird fly into a pool at a house I was living in when I first moved to L.A.

And it jumped. It got into the water. And I could have run out and saved it. And I fucking couldn't. It was a bird. I could have reached in and gotten it. And I couldn't. So I yelled for somebody else. I'm like, hey, come on down to the pool.

There's the bird just flew into the pool. And it died. Because I was too scared shitless to go over and touch the bird. Other people walk over, scoop it up. I'm like, I hate that about myself. You should volunteer for a petting zoo. Get over that shit. Well, no, I'd go to the petting zoo.

You'd get really comfortable with animals. They're so numb. You need to hang out with, well, he's dead. I was going to say the crocodile hunter. I don't want to get that extreme, but I'd like to not be screwed. So listen to this. The black black death which is the this is the the rat disease killed an estimated 75 to 200 million people and peaking in europe through the years 1348 to 1350 although there was several competing theories as to the et etalology et e-i DNA from the victims of northern and southern Europe published in 2010 and 11.

Indicates that the pathogen responsible... Blah, blah, blah. Yershina, persimmon bacteria, blah, blah, blah. It had something to do with rats. Spread through rats. I'm trying to figure out... bacteria, blah, blah, blah. It had something to do with rats. Spread through rats. I'm trying to figure out. Oh, here it is. Okay.

It was carried from fleas, actually, that lived in the rats. Oriental rat fleas that were living on black rats that were regular passengers on merchant ships. So it spread throughout the Mediterranean and Europe. That's why they were so scared of rats. And black death is estimated to kill, ready for this, 30 to 60% of Europe's total population

at the time. So there's a reason they have this reputation. Dude. Some of it unfairly, though. 30 to 60% of their total population. Can you imagine if something came along and wiped out 6 out of 10 of all of us? I think it should have a meaner reputation than it does. Oh, my God.

You know what I mean? You're a rat. Well, that's not that bad. It should mean despicable. It should be very bad. Like 9-11-y. Yes, thank you. It shouldn't just be that you told on somebody.

Yeah, you rat. Well, I think that's like, you know. Listen to this. All in all, the plague reduced the world population from an estimated 450 million down to 350 million in the 14th century. What year is this? 14th century, so 1300s. So it killed, that's insane, man. It killed 100 million people at least. 75 to 200 million people that's insane so hard for me to even um think about

those years and apparently it lasted forever i mean they couldn't cure things back then it just would last for years and years and years and years and years people kept dying of these horrible fucking diseases and some people would barely get through it. And their immune systems would strengthen. And some people would just fucking drop off like flies. Did you know the washing of your hands and everything was sort of not agreed upon by everybody at first? For babies, for giving birth. They didn't even, surgery. They wouldn't wash their hands.

And it was almost like the people that washed their hands. That's why I'm saying, Joe, everything leads down to the same thing. Just because people didn't do it. Like, there's those things today. Don't be on the wrong side because every time in history you look stupid. There was a group of people arguing over washing your hands. Well, there's that thing going on today. So err on the right side of it or the story is going to be about what a moron you were.

Well, there's a weird denial about global warming that to me is absolutely fascinating because it's really one of the few arguments that have anything to do with nature and the nature of the world that have these ideologies attached to it liberal ideologies and conservative ideologies battling it out and when I hear conservative people say that it hasn't been proven that humans are responsible for global warming or that it's just a cycle of life. Oftentimes, I talk to them about it, and they aren't even paying attention to the actual effects of global warming. They have this vague idea of what the impact of global warming is. Their main concern is defending conservative business practices and conservative ideologies. And that's like where they go to immediately to strengthen up the gate

and battle down for argument. And it's the, okay, well, who the fuck knows who's doing it? Look at what's happening. How much do you know about what's happening? And that's when it's minuscule. These people have very little idea for the most part. People are like really passionate about the subject. I'm sure there's a few experts out there that disagree with me right now.

But I'm just saying that by my personal experience, a lot of people that I meet, and I don't have an opinion on it because I'm not a fucking climate scientist, but I've talked to 25-year-old guys. They're like hard asses. They're like, look, fucking Earth's temperature has been changing for a million years. It goes up and down. The dinosaurs live in a totally different... Okay, that doesn't matter.

You know what else we know? We know there used to be an ice age, too. Do you know that? Do you know that half of North America was under a mile-high sheet of ice? But what we do know is it's happening right now, for sure. But let me ask you, and this might be a no-shit type of a thing, isn't the argument you would think on the people that think, let's do what we need to do to do whatever we can do, isn't what you should do the same whether you believe in we could change it or whether you can't? Let's say you think you can't change it, we can't fix it. You would still want to respect the planet while we're here. So you cannot believe in it and still –

I don't understand what the argument is to not acknowledge – because isn't the whole fight to try to be more aware of how much gas we use? Isn't that the ultimate goal to prove that it's happening? Does that make any sense? No, it totally makes sense. I thought we were trying to prove let's use less because look, the global warming is our way of proving it, maybe making people believe it. So where I'm confused is even if we can't reverse it, what's the downside of doing everything they say to do? Well, the downside is that businesses would have to change some of their parameters, like car businesses.

What do they do if they have coal-burning plants? What do they do? There's real problems in parts of China that the pollution has gotten so bad from coal-burning that they literally can't go outside. There was this insane video that was on TV the other day. Let me pull this up up smog in China it's uh it's fucking nuts man these people are walking down the street and they they have their their faces covered with like masks and stuff and they're trudging through and it looks like they're in an apocalypse movie I mean it's worse than the road you know the

gloomy look that mood the, The Road, this gloomy apocalyptic world. This is way worse than that. And people live like that. Yeah. Dude, it's insane. Like, you couldn't make a movie like this unless you added in later. Because you couldn't expect the actors to work in that kind of conditions. If you made a movie about the apocalypse. They have to... Where is this at?

China. Look at this, China. And they can't live that long, right? No, no, they can't live long at all. It's killing them for sure. There's no doubt about it. There's no doubt about it. It's killing people at a rapid pace. It's probably taking decades off their life. Record smog levels shut down city of Harbin.

This is it. Pull it up, Brian. Pull up smog in China, and it's the first video under videos in Google. It's fucking crazy, man. You're seeing these people walk down the street and you're like, oh my god, you nutty fucks have poisoned your city to the point where people

can't even breathe the air. And still, everyone's tolerating it. Still, everyone needs jobs. Still, everyone needs to feed their kids. So they just let these businesses continue to operate the way they are. Everything, they should divide all the food. Everything should be shut down for a fucking month. Just let the air clear out.

Jesus Christ. Look what you're doing. Pull up the video, Brian. Look what they're fucking doing. Look at this. Look at this, Todd Glass. Okay, I want to remember to answer this. Look behind you.

Look behind you. Look behind you. You can see it. This is fucking madness. Oh, I saw this. This is incredible, incredible incredible madness i didn't know what it was to be no more than 20 anything above 300 is considered back that up so that that makes sense that he's describing what's wrong with the content organization recommends daily

levels of particulate matter with a diameter of 2.5 micrometers to be no more than 20 anything above 300 is considered dangerous. Levels around 1,000 were recorded in some parts of Harbin. All schools were shut and the airport was closed. Wait, what schools are shut? Harbin is home to some 11 million people. What if that's still in your head? From when you were in Snow Days?

Wait, there's such a school. Well, that's you growing up in Philly. California people don't understand that. We love Snow Days. Snow Days was the greatest thing ever. Remember that boy? 98, 100, close. 101, close. We were 102.

They go 103. And whatever you were, they'd skip you. You'd be like, shut the fuck up. Remember you would call a number? They had a number to call for school closings, and they would tell you all the school closings in a recording. They don't have that shit anymore. They just tweet it probably. Yeah, I'm sure they probably send the parents emails.

Just send a mass email to all the students. That's such a great one to think of like, oh shit, that is like another fucking thing. Snow days are awesome. Did you hear about that teacher? I never like school. University. This day if I see a yellow bus, I get a stomachache. What?

Sorry. What? University of Iowa teacher, teacher assistant sent out her whole entire class. She was supposed to send out like the answers to the thing, but sent out pictures of her and her boyfriend masturbating. Yeah. Whoopsies. Where did this happen? Iowa.

Iowa. Whoopsies. This is what happens when you fuck around with email. You don't know what you're doing. Those snow days were fucking awesome hold on one second do you think that woman I did on purpose no do you think she should get fired for me but what do you think the masses think you think yeah community or people are judge they're hypocrites she's taking a

picture of her accident so what yeah she is definitely an accident and obviously she's probably unless she's crazy. She needs love. Well, we might be wrong. Okay, we might be assuming it's an accident, and she might just be, like, really a crazy attention person who's like, this is the way I'm going to get attention. I'm going to send pictures of me jerking off. That's possible, too. Of course, we limit that. But that's not your deal.

Yeah, but we shouldn't necessarily. No, no. I think we should leave all possibilities open because we don't really know her. I mean, we limit it when we're deciding if it's all right or not. We exclude that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, excluding that. No.

If her story holds true, then yes, of course she should keep her job. People are so fucking judgmental and hypocritical. She's a woman who, I mean, depending upon, of course, her actual performance as a teacher, let's just assume she was a great teacher. If it was a great teacher who also loves playing with her pussy, what do you give a shit? You know, the parents that would have a real problem with that, you're completely

unrealistic. And if she's playing with her pussy, she's having fun. I mean, she's going to be nicer to the students. She's masturbating. So what? It feels good. It's her pussy. She's off work. You know, she's not like sitting on the desk. Today, kids, you're going to watch me jerk off. She's not doing it in front of today kids you're gonna watch me jerk off A lot of people more channel and they like to go with extra figure list I'm just telling you no one's gonna teach you this but I'm gonna teach you but don't tell your parents

I like to spit my hands cuz I feel dirty. I just really beat it up side to side Pretend the speed bags It's looking on in horror. Or writing things down. What do you think? If you did that, first of all, this is all in real life,

which will never happen. What do you think? You know enough about therapy. I bet you can get pretty fucking close to what kids would do if you did exactly that in front of a room full of children. At what point would they go

and may pretend she does it with her pants on so it's not as gross when we're imagining it. Well, I wouldn't say pants on. I would say no panties, a skirt,

hikes it up. What do the kids do? Seriously, not to be funny, but what would... Freak out. They would freak out, right? They would start to cry probably, right? Yeah, cry.

Girls would scream. And this is not wrong that I'm even asking, is it? No, no, not wrong at all. I don't think they'd say you whore. I think some girls would say, girls I grew up with would say you whore.

Oh, what age were you? 14, you know, I'm talking about high school. Oh, yeah, they would definitely know that's not, you know. I think that's... I don't like that I brought this up. No, no, no,

I think it's important that you brought this up. Well, once you told me the answer, it made me look crazy because, of course, I didn't know because if... It's a good question. Yeah, okay. No, it's because if if it's a good question okay

no it's a it's an interesting it's it's weird you know what would you do what would you do you think dick out masturbate i don't say that though but i think there might be like a desire to get close to her if like this has happened more than once okay in high schools more than once some young attractive teacher has had sex with two or more boys from school either on campus like locking the door or take them back to her apartment it happens it happens all the time it happens i wouldn't say all the time but it happens it's happening several times in history we're hearing about it more and more too it's there's probably been a half a dozen or so, that's being really conservative, examples of

this that have made it onto the news. So we know that people are doing it. We know that it's not like, so to say that someone sends these naked pictures of themselves, whoopsies! I don't know what I did. She could be some crazy freak that wanted to beat off in front of the

class, but they didn't want her to. And she's like, whoopsies. Wait, did this really happen? Yes, she really did send it to everyone in her class. Oh, she wanted to do that. To not do it live, but to, yeah, yeah. No, I'm saying it could have been. I'm not accusing her.

We exclude that, obviously. Yeah, I do not know what her motivation was or if it was actually an accident. But if it wasn't an accident, it is possible that there's a person out there, not saying it's her, but some person, a person who's willing to fuck every football player in her school and she's a 28-year-old, that's happened before.

If there's a person like that out there, there's also a person that'll just email her pussy out there and go, whoopsies! Oh my goodness, did you see my pussy? Did you like it? What did you think about my pussy? I didn't mean to send it to you, but now that you saw my pussy,

what'd you think? By the way, you basically in life get one freebie. And then after that, thank God for keeping record. I've sent it again? I can't believe I accidentally sent my pussy to everyone again. The first time, your clear record, I think everybody gives you the benefit

of the doubt. And they should. Because can you imagine? By the way, we're only saying the 1% chance that it happened with some crazy, or 3%. Because we know 97%, she's horrified. She's a decent person that just got out. It's like, fuck. And then there's people that judge you. We're saying we don't want to be that.

Exactly. That's the case. We definitely don't want to be that. And we'll take a break. We'll be right back. Joe Rogan is my guest this afternoon. We'll ask him what he thinks of the new healthcare program when we come back and get into it. Blah, blah, blah.

I like that clarifying your point Is very important to you It's weird It's not weird at all, it's thoughtful I think you're very thoughtful about it Yeah, I try to like It seems like I go backwards sometimes No, I mean sometimes you're just thinking about things

You shouldn't automatically have A very fully formed opinion On certain subjects Everybody thinks they're supposed to And if you don't automatically have a very fully formed opinion on certain subjects. Everybody thinks they're supposed to, and if you don't, you're an idiot. But there's nothing wrong with not having a fully formed opinion as long as you're honest about it. I always say the same thing. I go, yeah, as long as you're careful to say it. And I do.

I try to go, look, I'm still taking in stuff because I think it lessens the anger of people at home that really genuinely might know you're wrong. Yes. I feel like they always tell them, be comforted, because if I get an email and it's intelligent and somebody breaks it down, you know what I think? The first time I read an email that educates me, I go, holy fuck, I want to do an earlier podcast, because I want to come back on and go, totally didn't think about that. Right. So knowing that I will do that always lets me think, okay, I'm comfortable to sometimes

speak before I have formulated my opinion. Yeah, it's important, I think. And it's important to be honest about what you actually know and what you don't know. There was one of the funny things about this Midnight in Paris movie was that his wife in the movie was, there was a guy you saw in the clip who was this super intellectual guy who was judging wines, and he was a real annoying dude. And throughout the film, you saw Woody Allen, Woody Allen's character, battle with this guy about facts and ideas and deal with his – by bullshitting him.

So I don't know. I think it's important to let people know what you actually do know. And in this movie, it was pathetic. It was funny, but Woody Allen was always pretending that he had facts that he didn't have. Oh, was that the... Yeah, he would argue with this guy about some things that he hadn't researched at all.

It was really funny. It was funny because he didn't... You know when you get lost and you're glad you come back? It's like, what a great... And that movie's out right now? Yes. Well, I watched it on a plane, but it was a 2011 movie, so you could probably get it on Apple TV or something like that.

We've all done that. Yeah, especially when you're young. Bullshit, your brain's out. Somebody posted on the message board that the pollution in Beijing is pretty much identical to the level that Pittsburgh had 60 years ago and posted these photos of Pittsburgh. Whoa, that's crazy. But that could be fog. I'm assuming it's not, though. No.

Jesus Christ. That's real? Yeah. And that's 19 what? 60 years ago. What's the guy's name? Vinegar Taster. Thank you, Vinegar Taster.

And put a link to an article. Wow. That was Pittsburgh not long ago. Whoa, that's nuts. Oh, my God. Look at it on a map. Look was Pittsburgh not long ago. Whoa, that's nuts. Oh my god. Look at it on a map. Look at that from the sky. That's insane. Oh my god. When you look

at it from the top, like from an airplane, it looks like a big black cloud or a gray cloud over the city. That's bananas. Not anymore. They cleaned it up all nice and good. Oh That's bananas. Not anymore. Bananas. They cleaned it up all nice and good. Oh, my headphones. Pittsburgh engineering.

Is that because it's like the steel city and they probably had shitloads of steel factories and stuff like that probably back when they still do, don't they? I would imagine, yeah. I would imagine that's a lot of what the pollution is. You know, whenever there's, about in the past, I remember in school I would ask my teacher, because it's the only way I could visualize. I had no concept of the 1300s, so I would ask her any time we talked about an era, whenever there's, about in the past, I remember in school, I would ask my teacher, because it's the only way I could visualize.

I had no concept of the 1300s. So I would ask her anytime we talked about an era, if there were stores then. Because in my head, that's when, like, and I think she, she was always very nice to me. But I think after a while, I stopped asking it because, were there stores then? I wonder if they even had locks back then. They must have, right? Locksmith. Locksmith, but would they have, when did, okay, let's find out.

When was the invention of the lock? They used to have those keys. You know when you go to a hotel and they still have the old key, and you're just like, really? You don't have a key card yet? I'm carrying around this big. That's always weird, isn't it? Isn't the place in Austin, they'll give you a key?

Yes, yes. Okay, the history of locks. I need to know this. Okay, ready this. The first serious attempt to improve the security of the lock was made in 1778. The first lock was estimated to be 4,000 years ago. It was a forerunner to a pen and tumbler type of lock, a common Egyptian lock for the time. That's insane.

Egyptian lock for the time. That's insane. The lock worked using a large wooden bolt to secure a door which had a slot with several holes in its upper surface and the holes were filled with wooden pegs that prevented the bolt from being opened. So that was the first invention of the lock. Proving people that have been stealing shit for years. There's no year to go back to. Stealing shit, well figuring figuring it out they you need a gang of people working on this kind of stuff in order to get things happening you know if you're going to figure out how to make a wheel or make a car or make you need a lot of motherfuckers dude who knows how to make tires figured out how to make rubber you need a dude who understands suspension components you need a dude who understands combustion engine how do you get

that into a car to make it we need a transmission guy there's combustion engine. How do you get that into a car? We need a transmission guy. There's a lot of different variables. One person is not going to invent a car. Yeah, but even when you – yeah, it's funny to think about like someone – I don't think about back then the process that goes into it. Like someone invented the wheel because that was the forward thinker of that time. Where was he writing his stuff down? Like what year was that? I wonder.

Is that – When was the invention of the wheel? They couldn't have written then. By the way, my history is atrocious, so if I ask any questions... No, it's alright. You're not pretending to be an expert. We're just talking. Caveman time is wheel, right? I don't know, man.

That's a good question. That's what I'm saying. I always picture the worst... For some reason in my head, every listener, even though I know I'm crazy, is this. No, he's talking about the map. He knows nothing about the map. I can't listen to him. Well, there's images of it as recently or as far back as 2500 BC. That was for what?

For a wheel, the invention of the wheel. The earliest well-dated depiction of a wheeled vehicle, the earliest, is 3,350 B.C. It's a clay pot that has wheels. Okay, I'm not even joking when I ask this, even though you would think the answer would be no. I bet I'd be wrong for thinking that. The guy who had whatever you got things around before that probably thought the guy with the wheel was

crazy. Yeah. He didn't see it in his head. Now it's hard to imagine someone not understanding a wheel. Well, that's pretty fucking incredible. What if the old one was a square? That guy's like, hey! It's a star. Digs into the dirt good. You get good traction.

You need to take a break and then you keep pulling. That's where the Jewish stock came from. They drove around in it. They put it on a stick, and the guy sat down there in the middle, and the guy pushed him. It was great for plowing fields as well. You could till the soil as you drove. As you drove.

It was good for agriculture. They used to drive. They drove around these stars of David's until someone said, hey, how about you just make it fucking round, man? Hey, look at this fucking guy. He knows everything. How are we going to plow the fields if we have round wheels? What are you going to do?

Are you going to just drive around like an asshole? What are you going to do? Are you going to make roads everywhere? Is that what you're going to do? You're not going to do anything that's going to go in the dirt. Oh, you're going to make your own road. How many roads do you think there are going to be? You know how stupid that is?

You think the world is going to be covered with roads all over the place where you can just drive your stupid fucking car that doesn't even drive over logs. There's logs everywhere. How are we going to make roads everywhere? That's a stupid invention. That's what they probably said. Get the fuck out of here with this. There's going to be roads everywhere.

Get the fuck out of here. Get on your horse and shut your fucking hole. This is as good as we got, bro. That's very interesting. It's really interesting. It's really interesting. Did they just take horse paths and just kind of made them wider? No, they had to fucking, they used tools. There's a lot of times they used tools.

I mean, you look at those old California roads where you're going up the coast. You can tell they carved it out of the wall. They carved tunnels. Like in Northern California especially, they carved holes through the buildings. It's crazy. Or through the rocks, rather. And we're talking. A long time ago.

Yeah. They did that shit a long time ago. They carved paths around mountaintops 200, 300 years ago. They did it a long-ass time ago. They did it before there was any cars. They did it when there was wagons. They would grade the ground. They would cut it and smash it down and roll it with things. They pulled it when there was wagons. They would grade the ground. They would cut it and smash

it down and roll it with things. They pulled things with horses. They tried to get the ground as soft or as flat and straight as possible, but barely. They only did it like, here's where the food is, here's where we go to sleep, and this is where we gotta work. Let's get this and that and this, and then everybody stayed in that area.

You didn't go anywhere back then. You didn't get in your fucking horse and bug and go to Arizona. The kids are going to go to California for the weekend. You ever see those bells on the side of the 101? I don't know

if you've ever seen it. These bells, they're just hanging on the side of the 101 and you're like, what the fuck is that? It's like every mile. Really?

Yeah, and it's like I always wondered what it was and that's the actual original path that they had dug down and they kept the bells there. And that was back when it was horse and buggy the actual original path that they had dug down, and they kept the bells there. And that was back when it was horse and buggy.

Yeah, horse and buggy. Yeah, they made some roads with horse and buggy. But, you know, people lived on the coast most of the time. There were some towns in the middle where somehow or another people got there because of the trains or something along those lines. But when it was pre-train, like way, way back, 1700s and shit, they came in boats. Let me ask you this then. So, like, let's say they start this village somewhere. Was there still a hierarchy of who doesn't do as much work as other people?

Of course. I'm sure that's always existed. That's crazy to think. So there'd be a person that would stop and not, maybe they'd get to ride the horse or something. It'd be like a made pretend job for them. I think people died off easier that way because people didn't want to breed with them and i think it's it's it's certainly always been a looked down upon aspect of uh people's personalities but it's also super

fucking common man because a lot of lazy bitches out there there's a lot of people that don't understand how that being lazy like that is so bad for you in every way you're never gonna achieve anything you ever want to. You're never going to meet your expectations. You're never going to improve. You're never going to feel like a real sense of accomplishing things. You're just lazy. You're never going to put out.

You're never going to really go for it. And it's there for you to see so that you can see how gross it looks to other people. So when you meet someone, I think you meet someone who's troubled. Oftentimes it's one of the best things that you can see how gross it looks to other people. So when you meet someone, I think you meet someone who's troubled. Oftentimes, it's one of the best things that you can see without having to go through it yourself. If you apply it. Yeah.

If you see what makes it feel weird about you. I don't remember who said this. I think it was Mark Twain or one of those fucking guys. He said a fool learns from the mistakes that he makes. A wise man learns from the mistake of others. Yeah. I love those. Yeah.

Those are great. They're great because they say so much. Yeah. So. Yeah. That's a big one. And that was one that was. That's a great one.

I think it was Mark Twain. I mean, who the fuck knows who it was. It might have been Benjamin Franklin. Somebody great said it. Some old bad motherfucker who lived a long time ago, wrote shit down on some crappy paper. Did you ever even think, or would even be something you'd want to think of, if somebody said

like, you know, what's a quote? You can get it to go down. Or they're doing a wall of quotes, and they call you and you get to have one of your quotes up there. I would never pick it. Never in a million years. Oh, that's right. You can't pick it. Yeah, you would never. It's like giving yourself a nickname. It's Todd Glass, the comedy medicine man.

Hey, I got Indian feathers on. I go, hey, I'm here to do a shaman ceremony. I'm the comedy medicine man. You can't nickname yourself that. I was jealous of those guys, too. Oh, Dr. Something. Oh, fuck. What could my thing be?

Jesus. That's why it bothers me when there's somebody in the business. You know what? Maybe you... We can't pick your own quotes, and you can't. I want to say this one thing, though. I put this on my Twitter, and some people still keep retweeting it. There's a thing that somebody attributed to me that was not my quote at all.

It was a quote by Greg Giraldo. And I tried to tell people when it happened. I tweeted it. But there's a picture of me, and it says, this homeless guy asked me for money the other day, and I was about to give it to him. Then I thought, he's not going to use it on drugs. He's just going to use it on drugs and alcohol. Why should I give it to him? Then I realized, that's what I'm going to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard? It's actually Greg Giraldo. Somebody got, must've gotten him confused with me and attributed that quote to me, but that's not my quote. He was a really, really fucking funny guy too. Greg Giraldo was a good dude too. I knew him way back in the 1990s. He

was out here doing his own TV show right next door while I was doing news radio. So, you know, we were super friendly. He was a really nice guy. Really fucking smart guy, too. That's a great joke, too. Yeah, it's fine. Well, you know, that's his style. It even sounds like a Geraldo joke.

I didn't know him well, but it almost says more about that type of comedian and the good part about comedy because I love comedians. Yeah, me too. I love comedians and love comedians too. I appreciate that because it is something I really try to be aware of, how lucky I am to be. Even though I'll complain about some of the ones that I don't like, it's never new comedians that I complain about. It's just really old, bad comedians that do have no desire to change.

That's my number one problem. It's not a new guy that might change. I don't judge a new guy that acts like another comedian because you know what? He might grow out of it. I've seen comedians that emulate other comedians and then you look at them two years later and you go, oh, they came into their own.

I don't judge in the beginning. I just root for it all and I'm positive. Very similar to musicians who do that. Really? Yeah, because so anyway, when I talk about that, the guy that's doing it for like that, but this all started positive. So anyway, when I talk about that, the guy that's doing it for like that, but this all started positive. But overall, I

love comedians and it's a great fraternity to be a part of and most of them are pretty decent and pretty soft and pretty cool and pretty honest. You know, you hang out, you feel good around them. I love Dom Herrera and one of the things I love about Dom Herrera is Dom Herrera is

always working on his act always He truly loves comedy. It's not just what he does for a living He truly loves doing comedy and he works on it all the time He hasn't ever hit the get-ups give up switch some guys just hit that give up switch and then they start complaining and you're around them They're complaining about the business the business keeps screwing guys like me and you're like, dude I haven't heard your set in forever. I haven't seen a special out of you in forever. I haven't seen you. I haven't seen a website

that's out. I haven't seen blogs you've written. I haven't seen a podcast you've done. I haven't seen a fucking Letterman appearance. I haven't seen anything from you. You stopped doing comedy and now you're whining. Like, shut the fuck up. Just go and do it. They're a drag, man.

They're a fucking drag. There's such a big difference from complaining, because I know someone taking this out of context, including me, going, I love complaining about clubs that don't get it or when they don't set it up right. But that's not my majority. I also spend a shit ton of time talking about good and positive things. But the other guys, well, after a while, it's hard to be around them because you're like, you have to do a lot of head nodding. And you think at one point, don't they realize I'm not agreeing?

Because they get to the point where I can't agree. I'll feel too gross. It's an ear beating. You're taking an ear beating. Yeah. They just beat you down. What are you going to do? You just give them a little bit of that and they accept that.

Oh, those guys are brutal. There was a guy that I was friends with that I had to stop. It was back in the day. I was friends with him for a long time. I met him in the 90s and he did not do well he moved out to Los Angeles and had he's a real insecure guy and real problems with you know trying to go on auditions he's trying to be a comedic actor I like the guy I enjoyed him like a person there was a percentage of the time that I

loved being around him I loved it when we were laughing and joking and talking about things I loved being around him but I loved it. When we were laughing and joking and talking about things, I loved being around him. But then there was another part that was maybe it was only 10%, 20% of the time. It was unbearable. It was torture. And I tried to let him know. I tried to say, look, man, I appreciate that you're struggling. I appreciate you're out here in California,

and it's hard to make things happen, but here's what you got, man. You're a talented guy. You're a talented guy. You're a funny guy. Just keep doing it, and you'll figure out what it is. You'll find a manager. You'll do an audition. You'll make a set that goes on.

You're going to find it. The most important thing is that you're enjoying yourself, and you're out here doing what you love to do for a living. That shit never flew with him. Why is this fucking guy? This fucking guy's on TV? How come this fucking guy got a development deal? You know what, man? I'm turning on the TV.

I'm seeing this fucking guy with a show, and I'm like, maybe this is not the business for me. Maybe I'm in the wrong business. I saw that fucking guy set. This fucking guy was terrible. Let me tell you something. I mean, he was like open mic night terrible. Can I tell you what I told someone?

By the way, they're not that case yet. Matter of fact, half my life is being afraid of saying any names. Don't say it. This isn't even a bad thing. This is actually giving this person credit. Right. That they were aware of it, but it has to do with what you're talking about, complaining.

But not that bad yet. But it could be going down that path and maybe I want to help a little. And I said, let me ask you a question. If some celebrity offered you I didn't know what figure to make up. I go $10,000 a month right now, $10,000 a week. Exactly. To write funny tweets. You know, it's a weird pretend thing, but I go, they call you on the phone. He goes, listen, I want to start tweeting more. And you know my voice, you'll

give them to me at the end of each day. I'll pick a few I like and I'll, it's a good paycheck, but it's okay. I'll give you $10,000 a week each day i'll pick a few i like and i'll it's a good paycheck but i'm it's okay i'll give you ten thousand dollars a week whatever it would would you be able to do that me no no i asked what would you you think no but go ahead him i i asked him and he's i know he could he goes yeah and i went well then write some for yourself like you did why are you not that you at least should be tweeting funny tweets now Now, me, could I do it? No, but I don't want to get a job as a writer. I don't think that's my strong point. This person is.

Right. So, like, you know, write some funny tweets. Like, take advantage of what there is. Well, if you just have a couple thousand followers, okay, let's say if you're a comedian and you're struggling, you've got a thousand followers. Let's say a thousand. I guarantee you, out of those thousand people

if you say something that's truly funny they're gonna hit that retweet button and it might be a slow trickle where it'll be like a few other people get it and a few other people get it a few people steal it and they'll just fucking copy it and throw it that's a that's a real common thing with really non-known funny people with tweets but then people get found because of that our friend kathleen up in uh toronto slash lean on uh twitter she's uh we hung out with her in uh toronto she's just a twitter comedian and she wanted to do stand-up but she never really did it you know me and doug benson and who the fuck else was with us up there? I think it was Callan. Hmm. Maybe. It was in Toronto.

I don't remember. Was it Ari? Whatever. It might have been Ari. Whatever it was. She was like, she's really funny, and now she's got a development deal. She's like doing a show on MTV, right? All from Twitter.

Yeah, and we know people. You're supposed to say that? You're not supposed to say anything? I don't know. Is it supposed to be incognito? Yeah. Yeah. Whoops.

Oh, you don't. I didn't know, man. You can't tell me shit like that, and then it's supposed to be aognito? Yeah. Whoops. I didn't know, man. You can't tell me shit like that. It's supposed to be a secret. I don't know. Whatever it is. We know people that... My point is she's got like 50,000 Twitter followers or something. She's hilarious. Yeah.

Yeah, people are going to... And again, it's not me saying that about myself because tweeting is... I tweet and I like it. It's not my strong suit. But this person, if you're claiming you're a writer, anybody out there that says they're a writer should ask themselves the same question. Like, yeah, fucking, you're right. It doesn't mean you have three million overnight, but you will see your numbers grow. And obviously, like I just said, we see a lot of these people.

So it's just applying what certain people do to your friends that don't realize you could do it. Here's what she said. Here's her latest tweet. Her name on Twitter is Princess Anus. And she writes, turned on the little heater under my desk at work, crunching numbers and cooking pussy.

And she's showing her pussy like her pants looking down at the heater. It's right underneath her. She lives in Toronto. It's cold as fuck. Pull the picture up, Brian. It's hilarious. It's slash lean on Twitter. How did you find out about this girl? Somebody tweeted her.

She's got 71,000 followers now, and she's not like a famous person. Look at that. She shows a picture of her pussy above the heater. She's just a funny girl. She says a lot of funny shit. Yeah, it proves that it works. Chris Carmona, he writes a lot of funny tweets, and people, you know, you just start noticing it after a while.

Someone forwards it to you. She had a great joke about blowing a guy who, like blowing so many drunks that she didn't pass her breath detector test because she sucked a drunk guy's dick it was really funny man i love it when somebody like that you know i always i've said this a million times but like i don't mind getting jealous when people you know have early success and so hey we have to remember the people that aren't doing it anymore but i also try to turn the jealousy into motivation as opposed to bitterness.

Just try to get, okay, that's cool. You get a little jealous and then think, what could I be fucking doing? Look what she says here. No matter what the letters are, all knuckle tattoos say, dad's gone. That's so rude. I just accidentally stubbed my face on a dick. I just accidentally stubbed my face on a dick. A true friend will tell you when your yoga pants are sucking your pussy lips up like a three-toed sloth.

It's a funny fucking Twitter page, and she does it all the time. If you look at it, you know, every couple of days, she bangs out a good one. So, like, her, like, numbers, like, she'll, like, take a couple of days off or something, but the numbers that she puts, like, whatever, whatever she puts out there is like really high quality. She doesn't have a lot of stupid tweets. Like my mind is a lot of useless tweets. I mean, some of them are funny and some of them are shit. Pretty much. Yeah. If I find anything, I mean, I'll take days off, but if I find things that are interesting, I think it's my duty almost to like retweet things that I think are interesting. If you have like 1.5 million followers and someone comes along and shows you something that you think other people would be interested in it's almost your duty to send it out like hey check this out like they're your

friends like that's what i would do with you that's a great way to look at it if you had an interest like modeling whatever clays fucking making sculpture whatever the fuck it would be sailboating and i said oh todd likes sailbo. This is a cool article on sailboating. Boom, I would send it to you. If you were into science, boom, I would send it to you. If that's what you're doing on Twitter, like someone sends you something that makes you go, whoa. So you're sending it to all your friends.

All those people on Twitter that are your followers. It's ironic that they're your followers. They follow you. You should probably call them Twitter friends. That would be a nicer way. Yeah, it might be a little warmer. That's really what it is, you know? Why are they following me?

Yeah. Fuck you, Father Time, and you're not my real dad. I think I'm going to hire somebody to write funny tweets for me. Why not? Fuck it. Anybody?

Can I tell you, when they correct me on spelling, I want to have a goddamn, I want to find the person, and I don't want to do what I want to do because I have to calm down before I start doing what I... I want to talk to them at the end of the day, but I want to go, what is wrong with you? Seriously, who are you?

That's when I want to look at someone and go, who are you? You read that. I'm not going to yell at you. I'm just going to... When you read it and you saw there was a spelling mistake, is it really that you were motivated to fix? Who are you? Who are you saw there was a spelling mistake, is really that you were motivated to fix. Who are you? Who are you? Seriously, it sounds silly.

I get it. But then there's also like, yeah, who are they? What do you do to everyone else in your life if that's what you, the first thing, like I'm trying to be funny. I'm a comedian. I'm not a good speller. But your goal, I get it. Those people are angry.

They're angry, Todd Glass. Life is not what they wanted it to be. Well, let's say they said this. We're trying to help. I still go, all right, now you're just making yourself the victim. There's a lot of that. You know what there is? There's paths.

There's ways you manage your life, and there's paths you go down. paths. There's ways you manage your life and there's paths you go down. And if you go down that, I'm a victim path by instinct, by automatic, reflexively. A lot of people do. God damn, those people are annoying. Those people are so fucking annoying. It's a real problem. I tend to agree with you on most of the things you say. I'm always in pretty the same area. Sometimes you say it in a better way than I say say so it still helps to listen to it because it helps me fight the fight so I think preaching to the choir is good I don't think it's a waste of time we're doing a fingers up move

preaching to the folks listening to this I think sometimes it's good to hear it because you like I say it hit it from another perspective I'll drop an analogy I use if someone gives me a better one I'm like oh that's better mine's gone I love that one I think we naturally we were talking about cults earlier and people arguing over ideologies. I think we naturally form tribes.

I think some tribes are formed just based on behavior and belief systems and geography. And we get these weird things. It's very dangerous. You might think, I swear to you, I think this genuinely has to do with what we're talking about. I'm not trying to do a cheap segue. If I am, you'll know from my gut I didn't think I was. I believe you 100%. The only thing I wrote down I wanted to talk to you about was, it's not here anymore,

was when people, you said they will form tribes. People will decide. Yeah. So, okay, here we go. So podcasting is basically taking radio and making it as, you know, just getting rid of the middle management. It's just, it's pure stand-up. So that's what it is. It's getting rid of that person.

So there's this thing that happened by, I think if you're right, that people will naturally create their own rules. So we got rid of the person. Now you just do what you want. And then there became this thing with you only do an hour podcast. By people that did podcasts, they decided that. And I felt a little bit of that. No, should I really do it? And then you, which is why I'm thanking you, someone goes, oh, no, Joe Rogan, he does a three-hour podcast.

I'm like, thank fucking God. Because it was like, yeah, I want to do three hours. Leave me to. But that whole rule was made by, here's this great institution. Get rid of all the business. Radio, it's a great tool. Get rid of all the business. Get rid of anyone telling you what to do

it's just us now and someone decided to go yeah you only do it as an hour here's one thing I want to put out there too this is really important you don't have to do commercials in the middle of your fucking podcast you don't I don't do it I won't do it I never will do it I'm not interrupting the fucking show because it's brutal

it fucks with the conversation it puts a hitch in the conversation. Unless you weave them in yourself afterwards in post. But if you interrupt the conversation and start reading off a page, we're starting from scratch again. We've certainly heard good people that had to do it when they had radio do it. And it's not the best part of it, but we still love them. They don't have to do it anymore. But now you don't have to do that.

So I totally, yeah. And one of the reasons you don't have to do it is because if you're selling things that you actually believe in, we have a series of different products that we agree to, but we've turned down a lot of products. I'm like, I have no use for that. I wouldn't use that in real life. I don't agree with it. I don't like what it is. I've turned down podcast sponsorships to promote things that I don't believe in, movies that I don't believe in, shows that I don't believe in. Once you make that sort of an agreement, people will support the things that support your show automatically. They would want to if it really is a good product.

Who's that? That's me, goddammit. See that? You know what that is, bitches? What this is is a Samsung Galaxy Note 3 that I'm super happy with. Oh, my goodness. How do I reject it? Nice ringtone.

Reject a call with a message. Okay. Hmm. Sorry, I'm busy. Call back later. I just sent a message. You know what I always think of when I'm having conversations like this? It's a beautiful sound.

Look at the size of this thing, folks, at home. I'm going to let you know. I'm 100% Android now. Fully converted and not just fully converted, committed. Love it. It's amazing. Sending emails and stuff. It's great.

Is it okay in your pocket? Yes. Yeah, it fits in my back pocket. I had this contact. It's a Google phone, unfortunately, so you have your phone contacts get confused with Google. That was the only issue I've had at all was just merely transferring my contacts. That's it. Everything else has been great.

The screen on this thing is amazing. There's two things. I figured that out. There's a program called Smooth Sync for iCloud. It pulls it right over. It's easy. It takes three seconds. I'm super happy with this.

The camera is a little weird. What if we got off the air and you go, oh, it's a piece of shit, they're our new sponsor. They're my new sponsor. There's just so much stuff you can do with these things that an iPhone would never let you do. There's so much weird shit that you can get done with these things. Is that thing big or too big, though, to carry around in your pants?

No. You know what's not big? It's just a matter of getting used to it. Look, I have a magazine that I choose on my own. I choose all the content and scroll through it every day. And it gives me stories based on interesting shit. It comes standard with the phone. It's so easy to cut and paste images and put them in a scrapbook, cut and paste URLs, save websites. You save documents on it. You can actually download and save things, which the iPhone never lets you do. You're not allowed to download things on the

iPhone. Just put them in a file. Unless you can put things in files, when you want to play music, you just grab the music and drag it in there. It takes three seconds. You don't have to load iTunes or anything weird like that. It gives you way more freedom. In a lot of ways, that's bad. And for some people, it's probably not what they want. They want something that just works. But if you're a person like me that's really into technology and finds it fascinating to fuck around with new things, you can't beat that screen, son. That's gigantic.

When you go and read websites on this, it's almost like a laptop. Why wouldn't you get just a little iPad? Why would I want it when I have this? It's in my pocket. It just seems super big. It seems ridiculous to carry that around. Dude, it gets so easy to use. It's easy. It fits right in my pocket. It seems bigger than it really is.

I mean, it is... It's big to the point where it's not like... I'm sitting on my fucking shirt here. It's big to the point where if you had it in your pocket, you wouldn't want to sit down. You wouldn't want to sit down like this within my back pocket. But if I'm just walking walking around it fits fine this is you know it's huge yeah it is

huge but it fits the difference being to me first of all it's fascinating i like fucking around with the new operating system i like playing with it everything seems to work real easy the processors the fucking pictures are incredible the pictures this thing takes, they're magical. I mean, it's just, I don't know, what is it, 12 megapixel or something? By the way, I still think it is hilariously funny. Because I know it just gracefully happened. But we're talking about, I would never do it and sponsor. And then I know you're feeling like. Oh, that's not a sponsor.

I know. No, no, that's what I mean. This phone doesn't sponsor me. No, that's what I mean. Sometimes, like, in life, I'll say something. I will be so passionate about something, like you are. And I go, there's no way, if was they filmed that they could ever play that because there's no fucking way anybody would believe that was real but it is I'm like there's some product

I'm talking about I go off on how good it is how could nobody have it and then I think there's no way someone would believe that but that's how passionate I am but I believe you because I know that you wouldn't do that but there's some people that you know would where some people you know would sneak in a commercial and pretend that they really love their galaxy note phone and it's really just a commercial if that's just somebody being a silly person yeah but the you know the the idea of commercials interrupting things is unnecessary and it's not just unnecessary it's it's not good for the product it's it's not good for the experience just get good sponsors play it in the beginning, play it at the end, say thank you to your sponsors, let everybody know those are your sponsors.

We've had a lot of like really loyal sponsors like Ting and Squarespace and it's because we'll mention them even when we're not doing a commercial. We really do believe, I really believe in Squarespace. I mean, it might be one of the ads for this show, but they're fucking great. It's a beautiful design. It's a great way to make websites. If I find something cool, I would let you know, even if it's not paying me money to let you know. You know how it's, you know, we always guess what we would do, what we wouldn't do. And I know it's always a hypothetical when you turn down, because you can act morally on your high ground when you turn down something that wasn't offered to you. But we do it all the time. We all may pretend as comedians. Would you do this? this would you do that i wouldn't do batman yeah we'll do a fucking

mainstream comic book movie you know and you don't know until those things are put ahead of you until those things are put in front of you in the first one now granted i'm trying to i'm not saying i'm uh i turned down some shit ton of money but at least it was an example when i did stick to my instincts of don't do something bad i learned the copy for this phone thing and then i remember the next day waking up and going look look, again, you know how much I would have made. It's a new sponsor. See the check for $50 maybe.

I don't know what we get. Right. But I didn't understand. It was one of those ones that I hate. I go, you can't. So I was afraid that they were going to be like, oh, no, you have to do it. I called back Katie at the time. And I'm like, Katie, I don't even fucking understand this.

And it's like, I don't want to. She goes, oh, you don't have to do it. I was like, oh, cool. It's your and it's like I don't want to she was like oh you don't have to do it I was like oh cool it's your thing yeah I didn't know if there was some come on

they're supporting us now but they were like no no no no so that really made me happy yeah it's nice and you can also

people will gravitate like there's been a few people that we've talked about their products on the show where they've never been sponsored

but people know about it because of us and I just want people to know about that that we've talked about their products on the show where they've never been sponsored, but people know about it because of us. And I just want people to know about that. Like that Green Mountain Grill guy that has those pellet grills. Great grills. He doesn't pay us. He gave us these grills, and he's like, look, I just think these things are amazing,

and I would love to sponsor the podcast. It didn't work out. He doesn't sponsor the podcast. But they're so cool, I got to tell people about them. I would always tell people about them, whether it was a sponsor or not. You could cook something, one of these fucking things, for like hours at a time. They use pellets, like hardwood pellets. They're called pellet grills. It's like a new thing.

Oh, that's funny. My mom had a... The temperature stays exact. So like if you want to cook a roast outside like smoky hardwood and cook it for like 300 degrees for like four hours or something like that you do that you just set it it's amazing I didn't know that there were pellet grills because my parents live in an old home in Philadelphia And they had a pellet stove in the living room, and they would come in bags, and they're like wooden and they're very natural

It's very yeah, it's compressed hardwood natural sugar looks like the wood. It looks like rabbit food a little yeah It does it looks like that kind of cat litter I use, too. Yeah, the green stuff. Do you use that stuff, that pine stuff? It's the best stuff. It kills the smell the best. How many cats do you have? Two. Two?

What are they? Just cats. Are they? One of them is a ragdoll cat. You know what those are? They go limp when you pick them up. They're, like, real sweet. Oh, really?

Yeah, and the other one is, she's a mutt. She's part Persian and part Tomcat. She's like 16 years old. She's 16 years old. She looks like she's a kitten. That's crazy. Yeah, she's totally healthy. When you come home, she talks to you.

Meow, meow, meow. My whole house thinks it's hilarious. Just have conversations with this cat. What? Meow, meow. Sometimes it's annoying. I'm not going to lie. But, you know, she's a But you know She's a cool cat

She's a cool cat My friend Andrea She's just needy My friend Andrea has a cat And it's crazy Not only does it Which I've seen a lot When you know

You go into someone's house I like if a cat jumps up On the sofa next to me Sure So it eats potato chips Whatever you're eating It wants to eat And it fetches

So I'm like Are you shitting me? I used to have a cat that fetches See I would To me if you're home alone And you to eat, and it fetches. So I'm like, are you shitting me? I used to have a cat that fetches. See, to me, if you're home alone and you have a dog or cat, anything, it is a bonus when your cat fetches because it's like you can do something. And the potato chips because it's like maybe you're home by yourself and you're just sitting there. The fact that this other thing wants something and you give it one and it eats it,

you don't give it too much of it. This cat hated everybody but me, though. It was great because it fetched balls. It'd take a little ball of paper and crumple it up in a ball and toss it and it would chase after it and swat it and then it would bring it back to me and then it would throw it again. We would play games. But she hated everybody but me. She hissed at me when I saw her in the pet store.

Like, all the other kittens were in this little pet store and she just like hissed at me. I was like, oh, give me that one. Really? Yeah. That's what I want. Like, she's like histamales like oh give me that one really yeah like she's crazy well that's the one that needs yeah that's the one needs well not just that i just i don't know i'm always been akin to the wilder creatures you don't have a dog you have two dogs what do you have a dog uh shibu inu english bulldog mix and a Mastiff. Oh, you have a Mastiff. That's cool. The other one, I'm not sure what it is, but a Mastiff.

I know what they are. Yeah, he's a small Mastiff. He's 140 pounds. So it's called a Regency Mastiff. It's half Neapolitan Mastiff, and they breed them with pit bulls to make this dog. It's like a really athletic Mastiff. But they're big. It's a big, like 140-pound dog, but it moves like a panther.

It's crazy how fast these things are and how powerful they are. But super sweet. Like the sweetest dog. I got him for his personality. His dad was on Fear Factor, and I couldn't believe how sweet the dog was. We would use him as an attack dog. We'd put people in these suits, and he would send them out to attack. But to the dog, it was just a game. Like he wasn't mean to people at all. But when the owner told him what to do, that was the game was to go do it. And then you got rewarded for that. So we put

these people in these giant attack suits and this dog just grabbed them and boom, threw him to the ground, but was never mean. Like when it was over, when you, okay, out, he stops, he backs up. And I go, how is this dog so cool? And he goes, I don't let the assholes breed. He goes, I make sure that all my dogs, they never have any dog aggression. They never have any people aggression. So this dog was just chilling with all these other dogs. He looks like a lion, like this black lion. And it's just sitting there.

He was even bigger. He was 190 pounds. His father was very big. But he's just sitting there. And I'm like, why is that dog so nice? Like, this doesn't even make sense. Everybody would come by. He would, like, look at you.

That's why I remember my mom bred dogs when we were growing up. And, like, one, not like a puppy mill or anything. And she said that when dogs bite out of fear, they're not going to bite when something really happens anyway it was the minute somebody takes a shovel and lifts it up in the air where their hand those dogs cower yeah so the dogs that are trained from like the same thing like what you're saying my friend's a cop and to see the dog how calm it is like yeah i know what that dog's capable of and then it's so they're super confident it doesn't bite out of fear exactly doesn't bite out of fear that's the thing doesn't bite out of fear. That's the thing about these mastiffs. It's one of the reasons why they're such great dogs.

Because they're really relaxed and calm around people. They're not worried about you. What are you going to do? Unless you have a gun, what are you going to do to a 190-pound mastiff? Not a lot, man. This isn't going to take long. They listen to us out of love. And when you have a dog that you raise from a puppy and really love.

This guy, his name's Joe, and he has this, I mean, he doesn't have a puppy mill at all. He has the opposite. Like, they're called Regency Mastiffs. And it's a breed that he created himself that he's been working on for, like, decades. And so he's, like, super specific about what dogs he lets breed. And at the end of the day, he has this amazing companion. Like this Johnny, Johnny Cash is my dog. He's the sweetest dog I've ever had in my life. I mean, he's just a gentle, big giant who's just, he loves everybody. He loves my three-year-old.

He loves my five-year-old, loves other kids. Other kids come over. He's immediately like happy. He doesn't get weird around them. He's like super, any friend that comes over, you've met Johnny. He's super friendly, right? Like immediately you don't feel sketched out by him at all, right? Right? No, I love your dogs both of them Yeah, Paul and boo boo is very sweet too. They're both sweet dogs. You know one time I used to I was About five years ago watching a friend's dog and I saw one day in the street what the dog did to another day He went I've never seen him like that that type of aggression Nothing happened

I had him on his leash But I was like I never saw and I remember thinking it was the type of aggression towards another dog. Nothing happened. I had him on his leash, but I was like, I never saw it. And I remember thinking, it was the type of dog that when I had him, I would bite his face and just love him and bite him. And I thought, I'd be afraid to do that now. But guess what? By that night, I did. I was like, because he was so like, I go, that's a different, and I'm a chicken.

I'm a chicken, but I just, I get it when people are comfortable around animals because they'll sense it. Because I don't know why, I just thought, no, he's that way with that dog. So I'm like going back to biting him. Well, he's also probably protecting you. He doesn't trust that dog. He doesn't know why that dog's near him.

That dog is violating his territory by being a stranger near him instinctively. So unless he's socialized, unless you take them around other dogs all the time, it's a natural instinct to want to ward off other dogs. That's why raising a dog, you could raise a dog that's really sweet with people, which my dogs were, but then have real problems with other dogs, especially if it's genetic, like pit bulls

or something along those lines. There's no way you can avoid it. You can't avoid it. The only thing you can do is socialize those dogs and bring them around a lot of other dogs and constantly reprimand them or stop them from attacking, stop them and keep them around a lot of other dogs and constantly reprimand them or stop them from from attacking stop them and keep them exercised you got to wear them out like throw the ball with them have them play and only like make it a positive experience when they meet other dogs

but still you could run into some other dog that tests them and next thing you know they're going at it but they don't have that to you though like all my dogs that i've ever had whether they had problems with other dogs or not they've all been sweet to people all of them they just can't wait to jump up and kiss people because that's all they get all they get is sweetness at home you know they get hey don't eat that hey don't chew that no bad but they don't get beat up they don't get yelled at they get kissed and hugged you know and when you have an animal like that you know that you were saying the uh you know they're when they get around other animals that they haven't seen that's why a long

time ago i made this rule like it would be like a bunch of us renting maybe a house up in lake arrowhead or something and where people go hey can we bring the dog and they i would trust them they would go he's oh no he's so calm he's so calm but then someone else would ask and if there were two dogs they weren't they and they would all apologize all week and they're not normally like that i know but they are here yeah you're bringing them around and they would all apologize all week, and they're not normally like that. I know, but they are here. Yeah. You're bringing them around. And they're fighting. Yeah. Even if it's not somebody, even if their dog's calm at home,

sometimes it cannot be calm at another place because it's not comfortable and there's noises. So I'm not mad at the dog, but I'm like, there's always exceptions. I get it. But overall, my feeling is there are exceptions, but overall, leave your dog at home. I totally agree. I've brought my dog places, and it's selfish.

It's selfish. I was selfish when I did it, and people who do it, they don't think they're being selfish. But you could do it. Like, if it's one of my friend's dogs, and I love the dog, and I've been around the dog a lot, and I don't mind, that's one thing. But a lot of times, the dog dominates your thinking. Now, where's the dog? Is the dog in the kitchen? Where's the dog?

Is the dog in my bathroom? That's what happened. Hey, why is your dog in my bathroom, man? When we went camping, not even from, I wasn't crazy that these people, by the way, you know, I always say there's always exceptions because I live a very, maybe it's not a paranoid life, but I've had dogs where people bring them and I'm happy they brought their dog. Yes, of course. And I even ask, I go, no, bring your dog, bring your dog.

So there's, but overall you got to test the waters a little, you know what I mean? I don't want anybody that I would think that would listen and I'd be like, no, no, your dog. Bring your dog. But overall, you got to test the waters a little. You know what I mean? I don't want anybody that I would think that would listen and I'd be like, no, no, your dog I really did like. I'm not just making exceptions. But overall, leave your dog alone. Yeah, overall. Unless you have an understanding. Right. Or unless your dogs like each other.

Like I had my friend Robbie when I first got my dog. He had a dog that was a boxer. And him and my dog were like, they would get together, and they're both basically the same age. I think his dog was a little bit older, and they would just go fucking nutty, just run around in circles and bounce up in the air. When they saw each other, they were so excited because they were pals. They had decided really early on. They play fought and stuff like that, but they were buddies.

So when they were around each other, they're like, holy shit, I can't believe you're here. Whoa! And they would just start bouncing and jumping. And it was fun. But we had to watch them. We had to watch them every five seconds. You forget about those two type of dogs. Because you're right. On the most part, you're lucky if they just don't care about each other.

Right. But when they get along, it is like two. I remember growing up, we had our friend's parents who would bring their dog over. And you could just tell they were just in the yard and getting along. And you're like, look at them. They're friends. Yeah, it's cool when dogs are buddies. It's cool when they...

And dogs are pack animals, too. That's the other thing. Dogs want to be around other dogs. They love being around people, but they also love being around dogs. To leave a dog by itself all the time is kind of sad. It gets lonely. Yeah, you're a dog. Selfish bitch. Poor little dog. No, you're a dog. Selfish bitch.

Poor little dog. No, I'm pretty good except for Mondays, otherwise. You gotta do what you gotta do. How long can you... What do you think the reasonable amount of time on five days a week to leave your dog at home alone is? Well, inside the house?

Inside the house is tough. Just so we can, let's say, doggy door to a yard. Oh, wait, no, that widens it a lot. That widens it a lot. That makes a big difference. The person I'm thinking of, no doggy door. Oh, that's not good. My dog's potty trained on pee pads.

Oh, that's pretty good. It sounds good on paper. What it is is these paper towels with shit on them in your house. Yeah, it's fucking gross. It's fucking disgusting. It's fucking disgusting. There's this potty train. He only shits all over the place there. It's gross.

It's beyond gross. Well, the worst is my old dog used to just, when I had carpet, would piss, and you would never know about it. And so when we tore up the carpet, it was just like, oh my god, how much piss did this dog actually do? It actually might have been your cat. He shits all over the place over there. I bet your dog pissed too, but your cat. He shits all over the place over there. I bet your dog pissed, too, but your cat pissed a lot. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, they'll piss, especially if the cat is upset that you live with a dog now. Like, you brought a dog into the cat's house, and the cat just saw it. He's like, bitch, I'm going to piss everywhere. You're not even here, you motherfucker. I'm going to treat this thing like I would treat it. Like, they totally decide that it's theirs.

Like, I haven't seen that guy in 10 hours. I'm just going to piss. Like, what would I do in the wild? I would just piss right here. So that's what they's theirs. I haven't seen that guy in 10 hours. I'm just going to piss. What would I do in the wild? I would just piss right here. That's what they start doing. The litter box stinks. He doesn't clean it. I'll just piss behind the couch. Piss over here. Under the refrigerator. They want to be treated right. My cats don't piss in the house.

You know when my cat was pissing in the house? When I would change the litter box like every couple days. I would change it like every three or four days and she would pee in front of the door sometimes the old one you can't yell at her she's 16 but I'm like what are you stupid bitch like what are you doing you're pissing in my house and then I realized you know what she only does that if the litter box is kind of funky so now that I clean it every single day she never does that stopped you know they don't want to do that you just dirty bitch she had a fucking big box of shit she was supposed to step in you know

what I was thinking if let's say you had a cat and you had like well you know what what i'm about to say probably we could afford it let's say it was thirty five hundred dollars a hard a hard plumbed cat box hard plumbed meaning that's what they call it like like if you have like a some people like take their trailer and they put it next to their home and sometimes they use it as a guest house so they i heard a plumber once go, you hard plumb it, which means you hook it up to the regular sewage, right? Right. So if you had a toilet, but it's a cat box, wouldn't that be great in New York? That's possible.

That's very possible. Totally. It's like a little toilet, maybe there's some sort of litter, that way you never have to change your cat box, you just flush it. Yeah, but it doesn't seem like the cat would be down with that. They don't want to shit in dirt. Dana Dermott does in her toilet. What if you put dirt in there? Yeah, there are cats that can do that, but doesn't she have one of those big, crazy sphinx cats or something? No, she has the skinless

cats. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's a sphinx cat. Is it? Yeah. Forgot about to go in the toilet. Maybe my whole idea is not a good one. Well, they do do that. Yeah, she has a sphinx cat. I'm pretty sure. That's the hairless one. There's, um, I've seen pictures of it on Twitter. There's a

bunch of people that, uh, have videos on how to train your cat to shit in the toilet. I wasn't thinking. See, look. Here's, uh, Dana's doing it. That's so crazy. I'm watching you pee, doodle bug. Dude, what is going on inside that toilet

besides the pee? That's the, I think that's the training, that's the training thing, you know, to... Oh, to teach the cat how to pee in there? Yeah. Oh, that's the training. That's the training thing, you know. Oh, to teach the cat how to pee in there? Oh, that makes sense. You want a treat? And then she gets a treat. Oh, that's so smart.

That's really smart. What a cool-looking cat. That's an alien. Those cats are awesome. And if you're allergic to cats, these cats don't have dander, so you can actually have this as a cat. Yeah. Are they supposed to be sweet?

Yeah. They're supposed to be cuddly because they need body temperature. They need body heat, so they want to snuggle with you all the time. Yeah. She's always taking baths with you. That's why they bred the, I would imagine, like there was no really reason to breed the standard poodle to the golden retriever or Labrador,

except that they know that they're big, cool dogs, but people wouldn't want it because it's a poodle. Right. I think maybe, because we had a standard poodle growing up, and then when we were little, we didn't want to get it. Our parents had to lie what they were, because we wouldn't want a poodle. Why not?

Because it's not cool now? It's not cool, a poodle. What kind of dog did you want? A Lab? Anything but a poodle. Anything but a poodle. We were little, and we took it to this place. I remember it was this woman, Ruth Lukens,

and it was immaculate, and it was a woman that really loved her little puppy she had, and they running out we loved them it was probably like in fifth grade or fourth grade my brother's all about the same age and we oh they were so cool and then we had to learn that they were eventually standard poodle and we got one billy and then bear and they were big like bear was like 90 pounds 100 almost close to 100 pounds he was a big male but now but labradoodle doesn't sound any cooler. Well, it's a thing, like a combination thing that people like. It's a new thing, too.

They love saying it in social circles. Oh, he's got a Labradoodle. I love those. Have you seen those? They're so cute. It becomes one of those things. And they don't shed. Oh. That's the thing.

Oh, that's the reason they picked the standard poodle. You get the dog. It doesn't shed. They're smart. That actually sounds really good. That sounds like a good dog. They're pretty smart. I like smart dogs, but here's the deal with smart dogs.

You've got to give them things to do, okay? Oh, and they're that type of smart? Yeah, if you have a German Shepherd. People have German Shepherds, and they don't exercise them, and they don't give them tasks and have fun with them and play with them. If you don't do that, that thing's going to get bored as fuck. And that's a big ass animal. And how many people do you think go with the technology, with age, how easy it is to do

a little research on a dog and find that out? I bet there's so many people that get it like they're at the time in their life when they don't think about it, which I understand. They're going to go get a dog. Now, some people do, but other people wouldn't. They can just get a dog. They have no idea. No one ever told them that huskies, so they just get a husky and then they learn.

You know what I mean? Now, I could see that 40 years ago, but now you would think you would – but there's still people. I have friends that got a husky, friends of friends. And we were camping and they told the story and I'm like, oh, they had no idea. They went and just got a husky. What is this video, Brian? By the way, do I take that for granted or do you know huskies are they want to be working so if they're not they do destruction is that something that most people know I was true yeah most people would know

fuck up your your yeah this guy just lets his German Shepherd play with this bear notice I said friend of a friends I didn't want you to think all my friends were idiots yeah look at this bear that's a great video have you seen this video no that's why, that's wild. Oh, it's amazing. Guy's buddies with a bear. And the dog hangs out with the bear, too. Yeah. Well, that's all well and good as long as the bear really super likes

you and you're with it all the time. That's the thing about those things. You've got to be with them all the fucking time, man. You've got to make sure they're well-fed. You've got to make sure that they're super comfortable with you. And yet still, those bears will eventually, you know, occasionally, rather, turn on people. I agree. You know, it's funny when we, you know, I always, this is my obsession with life, and

I always see examples of it. Every time I see something now, I see an example. There's some people that would think putting a horn in that, I agree, by the way. Like, just try to have some dignity to the animal. The San Diego Zoo, you used to be able to, now keep in mind it's still a zoo, so that's the bigger argument. But when we were little, I learned this. When we went back, they don't make them clap their hands anymore and wave to you the bears. And I asked why.

Because once when I went with my parents, they did when we were younger. Then when I was an adult and I went, they didn't do it. And the PETA said, you know, you're dehumanizing the animal. They already don't want them at the zoo. Now, well, they're there. Can you give some dignity? Does that make sense to me? It makes sense to me that if you're going to a zoo,

first of all, you should see an animal in a semi-natural environment. I think zoos should have a minimum size requirement for big animals. The saddest thing is when you see, like, a big animal, and they're in a tiny-ass fucking enclosure. That's scary. You know, it's a prison a public prison and you would agree to so even though if the animal is happy looks like it's happy doing there's no reason to make him no reason there's no reason to make a fake trumpet here's my question who fuck wants to see a clap why do you want to see a bear clap you fucking weirdo it's a bear you know why i'm gonna see a

bear you should see that bear wandering around the woods in its natural environment. Anything else, it's human beings imposing their own power over this animal, and then all the crowd reveling in the fact. If a bear just clapped on its own, who would give a fuck? It's the idea that you tell the bear to clap and look, the big giant furry killer

goes to the bidding of the intelligent man. Yay, we win again. That's what the celebration is when everybody cheers at SeaWorld. Because you've got this majestic fucking orca to jump for fish. The reason that I think this is what happens a lot with people. And you know what? When I always talk about this, I always think, am I saying I'm perfect? No, but I hope I fucking grow.

I try to be. No, you're being honest about your opinions on things. You're not saying that you're perfect. I'm not saying I'm perfect. But it could sound like it, I guess, if you listen to someone for a while thinking, oh, he's, I try.

I fucking at least try and I make mistakes. So the question isn't to people when they go to SeaWorld because I think a lot of people go to this, I just went and I didn't think. No, no, no,

we're not asking you to judge yourself on when you went. When you went, that's, who gives, you didn't think about it. Now, once you're educated.

Right. I went to SeaWorld, I didn't think about it. I wasn't a bad person. I'm not going to hold on to the rest of my life that it's okay because I did it because if I admit that it's wrong, I admit I did something wrong no, it's not wrong until you have knowledge

right? so that's what the SeaWorld thing going back to that or the PETA you know the same people were probably going oh, they're just waving but now now you think about it why do you want that fucking bear to ride a bike? and I watched it the first time and liked it.

But I was young. I didn't know. But you have to ride a bike. It's one thing if you have a bear and you teach it how to ride a bike and it loves it. And it's like, where's the bike? But when you're making him do it for a fucking show, it's like, come on, man. Yeah, when you think about it. Did you ever see that video?

I'm sorry. No, it's okay. But did you ever see the video of the bears and the monkeys, and they're going around, they're riding bikes around a circle in Russia, and the monkey falls, and the bear attacks it, and they can't get the bear off the monkey. The bear kills the monkey in front of the crowd. Did you ever see that?

Yeah. Bear attacks monkey. Can I tell you, why do I think, although I know I wouldn't want my child to see this, but my instincts are to go good. Well, you can't count on bears to do what you want them to do all the time. You can count on them if you train them to be nice to you. If you feed them and train them, you can count on them. But that is a wild motherfucking animal with a hair-trigger idea of survival and death

built into its DNA. And it's ready to explode at any fucking dangerous situation. And if it thinks a person is threatening its life, or if it thinks something is violating its instincts to avoid, look at this bear.

The bear's on a bike. Oh, there's video of this? Yeah, the monkey. See, the monkey's in front. The monkey's in front of the bear. Scoot it ahead a little bit because it might take a few minutes. So the monkey's running and then the bear, scooted ahead a little bit, because it might take a few minutes, so the monkey's running, and then the bear's running, but the monkey falls, and the bear falls

on top of the monkey, and gets pissed, and just goes after the monkey, and he's tearing the monkey apart in front of everybody, and they can't get him off the monkey, they're like, stop, please stop, please stop, they're pulling the monkey, they're pulling the bike, and the bear is just fucking this monkey up, and it's a big bear, and they can't do shit, they're trying the bike and the bear is just fucking this monkey up it's a big bear and they can't do shit they're trying to pull the monkey out of its hands or out of its mouth but it won't let go it's just mauling this monkey in front of everybody freaking out but that's that's nature man this bear feels like it got attacked by the monkey the bear is not understanding that he was on a bike and the monkey was on a bike.

They pulled the monkey out, but it's dead. It's torn apart. The monkey is just minding his own business, doing what everybody tells him to do. But the bear thinks the monkey attacked him. He doesn't, he knows, he's like, why did I get hurt? Oh, this fucking monkey. Like, he attacked me. And so he just goes after him.

I think I feel good when I see it. Obviously not because of the monkey, because I think, okay, maybe that will remind people, yeah, they're fucking bears. The same old thing we think every time we see that stuff. That's a cunty thing to do, to take an animal and imprison it like that. It's not a bad thing to do to look at them in the wild. It's not a bad thing to do to manage their numbers in the wild, including, like, wolves and bears.

You've got to kill a certain amount of them, especially if there's a lot of people in the area. You have to keep populations down. It's important lions too it's a big one but there's there's that to me is not nearly as cruel as taking them and sticking them in a fucking animal prison so we can gawk at them that shit should be illegal i take my kids to the zoo but i won't say right now i'm a hypocrite take them to the santa barbara zoo it's a beautiful place i love it up there but the reality is it shouldn't exist. It shouldn't.

At the very least, you should have some gigantic walled-in preserve where you could travel through their ranks undisturbed, like in some sort of a camouflage tube. But they should be able to hunt. The animals should have a natural ecosystem. We're completely dominating their ecosystem and forcing them to exist in an unnatural paradigm, the paradigm of cold food being slid in a tray under your door. And you have massive predatory instincts from thousands of years, millions of years, in fact, of DNA

in your body. And you have these natural reward systems that you don't have language and context. You just have these natural reward systems beat in, and you're told to ignore them. You know, you just sort of, whether this could happen or not, but bigger things have been built. You sort of just explain something that could happen. Like, there's this thing, obviously, with technology, to get it moved through this area silently would be easy. Camouflage, you know, it looks like, and you get inside, and there's windows that are one. And then if there's some way you could let all that happen, and what could you charge then to take this thing through there? First of all, it would be much more.

Maybe that could be. But I like what you said about you've got to go to the zoo because the opposite of that is, okay, I'm going to take my kid to the zoo. So now I'm going to just pretend that it's okay. It's better to just say, yeah, I'm doing it. I'm certainly hypocritical because I'm contributing to the problem. And I do the same thing. But I think admitting it is at least not disrespecting the people that are fighting the fight and we know they're right. Like, I think one thing going

is bad. The next level, and maybe I'm saying this to make me feel better because I get ultimately don't go, don't... But I think there's another level of... There's people out there. You're too lazy. You know their fight is right. You're a little too lazy or selfish and you don't listen. But don't fight them. Don't call them idiots.

Just go, they're fighting the right fight and I'm lazy right now. I'm certainly selfish. I'm selfish more than I am lazy because I want my children to experience these animals. That's why I go. I think it's fascinating for them to see gorillas and know that that's a real animal right there and it freaks them out. But SeaWorld, would you take them to that? No. Well, I think even gorillas and chimps, I think it's gross.

I think all that should be illegal. But it's legal and it's there. And I'm not sure how much impact. I know this, believe me, folks who are about you, you're writing right now, you hypocritical fuck, these animals are living beings. I agree with you 100%. But it's still there. It's there.

The zoo is there. Do I think it should be there? Absolutely not. Do I think it should be illegal and should I be boycotting it? Most likely. If it was just me on my own, I wouldn't go. But in this situation that I am in right now and having children who enjoy looking at the animals, I think it's important, first of all, that I take them there and I tell them that there's something wrong with this. I tell them that I don't like it. I tell them that I think that animals should be free

to live in their own environment, and I think that this is way worse than being... I think an animal... I mean, obviously they wouldn't have this choice, but if they had a choice between living in the wild and being taken out by a predator or living in a fucking cage, just staring at people that stare at you,

I would take my chances with a wolf. If you die, it's quick and it's the natural way. This is nonsense. Giraffes are not supposed to die of old age. They're supposed to get taken out by lions. That's what's supposed to happen. It sounds fucked up, but that's what's always happening. No one can defy that. That's just flat out nature. It is what it is.

Gazelles are fast for a reason because they taste delicious. There's a bunch of animals that want to fucking chase them and eat them. It's really simple. It's really simple. But to put them in a cage and say, oh, this is where the gazelles live now. This is crazy.

They can't even run. They're stuck in this little tiny spot. And they're freaking out. They always think someone's going to get them, but no one's going to get them ever. I even feel bad for goldfish. Yeah, goldfish are stupid as fuck, though. They barely have even brains.

This bitch is winding down. Todd Glass, you're an amazing motherfucker You're a hilarious comedian Thank God we finally did this I never get to do this, ever You can do this anytime you want What I mean is It's fun to do a podcast where you get to do something

You don't do on yours And I was able to let go That was an amazing one hit of pot I took That lasted the whole time About ten minutes ago I felt myself coming down. And that was just a very enjoyable conversation. Yeah, I really enjoyed it, too. You're a very thoughtful guy.

And I think you confuse that with overanalyzing. I think you're just thoughtful. Well, I appreciate that. I really enjoyed talking to you, man. We'll do this again. Cool. All right. Todd Glass, follow him on Twitter.

It's Todd Glass with two Ds, not one D. Can I say two things? Like some fucking weirdo. Oh, shit. Todd Nesro. Helium Thanksgiving week. Oh, the club that you helped design. Yeah, yeah.

Wednesday. Philadelphia. Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and then take Thanksgiving off, and then do Friday and Saturday, and then I'll be in Dallas at Addison the second week of December. A beautiful fucking club. Addison Improv. Love that place. One of my favorite places.

One of my favorite places. These people are wild as fuck. It proves that you can have a comedy club in a typical strip mall, but it has fucking club. Addison Improv. Love that place. One of my favorite places. One of my favorite places. These people are wild as fuck. It proves that you can have a comedy club in a typical strip mall, but it has fucking soul. Yeah, that place has soul. That place has been around a long time, too. All right, we will be back tomorrow with Pat McGee, the guy who made The Werewolf out in the lobby. What are you pointing to? Can I just say I have a show?

Why don't you wait until I'm done with the fucking plug? We'll get you in there, man. Don't interrupt it. Pat McGee will be here tomorrow, and then Sam Harris on Wednesday. So the return of powerful Sam Harris. What? This Thursday in San Diego, I'll be at the American Comedy Company. We're having a big Halloween show and party there.

Just go to AmericanComedyCo.com. A bunch of surprise guests, too, that we can't even talk about, but huge headliners. Another great club, American Comedy Company. Awesome place. You go there? I've heard great things about it, but not yet. Beautiful. Perfect setup.

And this weekend, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I'm at the Irvine Improv with lovely and talented Tony Hinchcliffe. All right, you freaks. We will see you tomorrow, and big kiss. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. and big kiss.