The Joe Rogan Experience - #41 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: September 13, 2010

Joe sits down with Ari Shaffir.

One, two, three. Oh. It's thick, it's long, it's well-hung It's a really, really, really, really, really, really nice one Got a really, really, really, really, really, really sweet staff To make love, to make love last It sustains, remains in position To fulfill any mission Got a really, really, really, really, really, really sweet treat To put your home into heat If you got the room, I got the meat

It's a really, really, really, really, really, really sweet treat It's a really, really, really, really, really, really sweet treat It sounds really distorted, doesn't it? That's how the MP3 is. Yeah. A lot of his stuff is like that. The guy who is singing that song, the guy's name is, well, his stage name is Tonetta. That was weird.

And he's way weirder in real life this song is weird but the guy's way weirder weirder in real life he lives in toronto he does not perform but there's a group that performs his songs in as a representation of his songs they put masks on and shit wow and they perform like a tonetta show but he's like this weird dude who just records these songs and these crazy fucking music videos in front of like like a curtain that he put over his kitchen you know it's like really primitive his his lip syncing is totally off like this the the sound of the music right but for whatever reason it's really compelling it's interesting and he's got really compelling. It's interesting. And he's got

dozens of songs. Dozens of songs out there. He's really prolific. And I don't like a lot of it. But a lot of it is great. So this is like a remake of some other guy? No, this is his shit. This is his shit. This is his tonetta. So people just...

He doesn't perform live. He just performs in his fucking kitchen. I bought his... I mean, I'm not supported so much i bought his record he is a super fat or super thin uh he's like like a gay guy from silence of the lambs that's what he looks like he looks he's he looks there's something i mean i don't know if he's gay does it come with free open so if he's not gay he's willing to try it he just looks like talk into it. He looks like a guy who's seen some fucking hard parties. You know, it's just really strange. He does his YouTube videos in, like, little tiny spandex underwear and shit.

And just, that's it. You know, and dances around. And he just dresses like a woman sometimes. And it's just really, really strange. I watched a little bit of it. It looks kind of like the, put the fuck lotion on the basket. It puts the lotion in the basket. Yeah, the Silent Hill Lamp is a gay guy.

It looks like that guy, kind of. Yeah. Buffalo Bill. Yeah. I bet he uses a flashlight. Yeah, we have to say that at the beginning of every show. Flashlight's our sponsor of the podcast.

Ari Shavir, you've still not fucked one, have you? I will. I don't want to. I wouldn't have one for you. I have an addictive personality. I do, too. I don't want to have one for you. I have an addictive personality. I do too. I don't, I'm going to want to get into that. I do too. Um, I think all comedians are impulsive and have addictive personalities. Don't you think? A lot of them do. Most of us. Yeah. It's not, it's not weird to see someone with a coke habit or not at all. Any sort of weird. Yeah. There's always a compulsion. Yeah. Compulsions,

Not at all. Any sort of weird? Yeah, there's always... Sort of compulsion? Yeah, compulsions. It's weird how compulsions manifest themselves. How all of a sudden you become obsessed with this one thing. It could be a game. It could be beating off.

It could be... How much I hate Brian. Wow, really? I'm right here, you dick. I'm sorry, I didn't see you. You're on a different camera. What's the weirdest compulsion you've ever had? Me?

Yeah. I mean, beating it, I guess. That's not weird. When you think about it, it's like, why do I have to keep touching myself like a fucking degenerate? It's weird when you're not even horny. No. It's just like, it's time to do this now. And we do this again.

Yeah. And then when you come, it feels like nothing. It's just like okay now i can move back to whatever i wasn't doing before the only the only thing you get is a sense of satisfaction like look i got hard again look at that three times in a row but party is like what the fuck is wrong with you man i once made a deal with myself in college to see um if i could write this paper i wanted to stay up and write it so i said for every like two hours that i write i can jerk off.

Wow. That'll be my reward. And by the seventh time I was jerking, it was just like, it hurt. And it was just nothing was coming out. It wasn't even hard. Damn, you went seven in a day? Yeah. I don't think I've gone more than three in a day, maybe four.

Seven does not seem possible. It's not necessary at all. But I kept thinking like it's going to be good at the end of those two hours. Yeah, but what was coming out? Like barely anything, right? Nothing, nothing. You're like that dog where he still thinks he's peeing,

but he's not peeing and he just makes the motion still. That's what you were doing. Yeah, it's such a weird way to just try to like appease a sexual obsession, just masturbating all the time. Yeah.

I've hit that wall where you're like, okay, I need to chill out a little. What am I doing? This is getting out of hand. Well, you got your special bookmarks. You go to your special bookmarks. I'll definitely get a jerk off right here to this.

You know the certain clips where you hope whatever porn thing is still for free on your iPhone? You think whatever's there, you can have certain ones. Like Paris, this girl Paris. Paris? Paris sharing.

Yeah, and she gives this guy a lap dance. This guy had a brown paper bag. Really? Because he doesn't want his girlfriend to see. Whoa. So she gives him a lap dance, and then it turns into a blowjob, and then it turns into sex. Nice.

You like that one, huh? Yeah, it was good. It was really good. It was mostly her. The guy didn't do anything. He just sat there like a dummy. That's what you like, right? Yeah. That's your move? I want just as small amount as mostly her the guy didn't do anything he just sat there like a dummy that's what you like right yeah that's your move i want just a small amount as possible

yeah you don't want the guy just fucking the shit out of her you want her doing all the work yeah i'd even be willing to to pan away from the insertion area for a while just so keep it implied for like 15 20 seconds watch her bounce up and down yeah there's something about watching a guy just fuck the shit out of a girl that's not very attractive. It's like, you know, like that's not even,

you can't, that girl's gone. She's, she, he owns her now. The one I don't get is behind the guy, behind his like, Oh, the shot?

Yeah, behind his ass, Yeah, his ass on his balls, into her. No need that shot. I don't, yeah, but they spend way too much time on it. That's what happens when you direct porn. You just get desensitized to what regular people think is hot.

It's not some dude sweaty asshole bouncing around your face. With a tiny head in the background. And just seeing her pussy and there's no perspective. It's hard to tell how long his dick is. Just ramming it. All right. A lot of balls coming out in 3D. If you got the room, I get the meat.

Hey, you know FaceTime on the iPhone? Yeah. Don't ever FaceTime with Ari Shafir because it always starts off like this. Oh, a FaceTime call, video call from Ari Shafir. Oh, it's a dick. If he's going to say anything about my dick, he's lying. It's a dick. Thanks for the dick.

That is not a thing I would ever do. Yeah, right. You have pulled your dick out on numerous occasions, but for comedic effect. So you're saying you don't do it? I do it all the time. Of course he does. It's hilarious. I can't help it.

How many times do you think your dick has been out at the Comedy Store? It's in the hundreds. It's so much. Yeah, I've seen it a bunch. You ever worry about closing that place down, maybe? What do you mean, getting him in trouble for that? No. That's zero.

No way? Zero worry. Wow. I think what you're doing is illegal. I'm pretty sure it is. We had a big dick contest. It's like a salt. That one time we had a big dick contest.

Yeah, it is like a salt. But at the comedy store, it seems to make sense. It doesn't seem like it's a problem at all. It doesn't seem like it's, yeah, it just seems like, yeah, it's a fucking crazy place. They had a big dick contest. This guy was like, I bet I have the biggest dick here. And someone was like, well, who else is going to do it? We need someone else.

And everyone just turned to me who was sitting there. And I was like, yeah, let's do it. But they were like, how are we going to tell? Because we don't have a, there's no way to know without heart or anything. And some girl, some porn star girl was there. I was like, no, I'm going to blow you guys. Jesus Christ. And then judge judges my man.

So it was like, I don't know, nine or ten people in the audience. This is on stage. Oh, yeah. Nine or ten people in the audience. Yeah, PJ filming it with his iPhone. Oh, my God. Yeah, and yeah, so she blows me for a while. Tripoli's doing a play-by-play on the side mic.

Oh, my God. And you're letting this dude film it for his iPhone? No, he was just doing it anyway. We're like, come on, man. Put this away. So he has video footage. Yeah, and I was nowhere near a boner at all. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

She stops at one point and looks up. She goes, shh, baby, look at me. Look at me. Oh! So then I worked up a 20%. Oh, so her ego got involved. I guess. Yeah, she wanted to get that dick hard she's like baby i can get your dick hard look at me yeah look at me look at me but

i was like this is such a ridiculous situation oh my god like you're gonna get i was crying with last fall into it yeah oh yeah who cares you suck it baby you turn to your left you see your friend looking at you this far away what your friend this far away weird yeah that's you got to be a crazy person and whip your dick out let some chick suck it in a room full of strangers yeah and then the guy um she blew the next guy for a little bit yeah he wasn't anywhere near one either it was so ridiculous was there anyone that like upset that what was going on didn't yeah probably a couple of the waitresses probably got super cunty. Wouldn't you be...

Someone got mad. Wouldn't you be upset if one of the dudes did get a hard on? Just got a full fucking rager? How disturbing would that be? If he just got a rager and started getting into it and just totally ignored everybody else, it's like, oh, yeah. Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, fucking hot bitch. Suck it. And everybody would be like, get away. Get away. He would like outdo us to the point where we would run away from him. How are you in on this? Yeah. How are you liking this?

You're cool with this? This is cool. You got a heart. That's a full heart on, right? What the fuck? I fucking love it, bro. She's hot as fuck, ain't she? Yeah, look at it.

Look what I get for her. Yeah. Fuck, ain't she? Yeah, look at it. Look what I get for her. Yeah. I used to do a bit about how the craziest thing in porn is when you see two dudes fuck a girl in the same hole. It's like, what?

Who is looking for this? You're just doing it to show that you can do it. What do you got there, Brian? You got producer sound effects now? That's fucking brilliant. That's not much of a sound effect. Are those like little babies? This is from Charlie Bit Me. Remember that old video?

Charlie Bit Me. Charlie Bit Me sound effect board. Those are real babies, dude. Let's not do this. It's disturbing talking about all the dick sucking. It's making me really hard with the baby sound. These are real babies, bro. These aren't like fake babies. This is someone's kid out there. Charlie. It's making me really hard with the baby sound. These are real babies, bro. These aren't like fake babies.

This is someone's kid out there. Charlie. It's Charlie. That's who it is. We know his name. It's not even an anonymous baby. It is Charlie. We know he's from England.

Yeah. They're very polite over there. Polite babies, too. I love it. Charlie, bit me. It makes them feel older. They seem older. Interesting, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah. Babies in America would be screaming their fucking heads off. Right. They'd older. Interesting, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Babies in America would be screaming their fucking heads off. Right. They'd be suing. You don't bite me. American babies would be suing them.

Yeah. They would be yelling. Do you think when that video really took off, the owners of that baby of Charlie and his brother, do you think they or the parents, whatever they're called, the parents walked around to the other parents like, we're better than you? Probably, right? Yeah. Our kids are clearly cuter than you.

Why hasn't that been on Tosh.0, has it? I don't know. It should be, right? That's a perfect one for him. They're all grown up now. Somebody knows Daniel Tosh. We know him when we see him, but I don't know him enough to...

I'm not going to suggest anything to him. I think you should do it. Text him. Somebody tweet him. MySpace. It's a great idea. MySpace. MySpace.

Send him a MySpace. I'm about to knock it down. I just took over all my old blogs. Yeah on MySpace. I'm about to knock it down. I just took over all my old blogs. Yeah, me too. I'm about to just say goodbye. Then somebody at the Ice House last weekend was like, yeah, follow your updates on MySpace. I was like, ha ha.

Oh, you're serious? It's weird, right? Yeah. It's a weird feeling. It's a trend. Why wouldn't we use it? It still is a giant resource. It's only because nobody's there.

There's still people on it but for whatever reason it feels tainted it's like a ghost town a lot more people are not on it than are on it so it's just a bunch of empty dead soul of my space club once it's not glittery anymore what's made it like that how'd that happen everyone wants to do it so quickly the one was slightly more usable spam spam It was spam and it was just going to people's pages and have them crash your page or just be annoying. That used to drive me crazy. I mean, it was just like a mess.

Safari browser. Something with the coding or whatever was significantly different. It was because they were allowed to get all these different things from different sources. You know, you could have a video that was linked from one website and a photo from other websites. 40 pages just start running as soon as you load up. Yeah, it's like an old Windows 95 program. It was have a video that was linked from one website and a photo from other websites 40 things are running as soon as you load up yeah it's like an old windows 95 program it was crashing all the time

especially um on safari yeah i don't think you had to say fuck tom yeah what the fuck he had nothing to do we were all thinking it isn't an interesting thing though that that's what the that's what these guys like Google and Facebook and MySpace, that's what they're doing now. They come up with something that's free, and they figure out a way to sell it and make billions. It's annoying us anyway with Facebook, just the side advertisements you get. Those annoy you?

Those annoy me. But not enough to not go, but it's just like, I don't want to constantly see these ads for comedy classes. They creep me out, dude, when they're about what I'm thinking about. Yeah, they're all about what you're doing. They have only ads for comedy classes, jujitsu, and if I'm in another state, suddenly those things come up. Yeah, yeah. It's like, how do you know, bitch?

You know who I am and what I'm into? Yeah, they're giving you suggestions catered on where your location is and what you've looked for and what you've talked about in your emails. That's so strange. I mean, from a marketing standpoint, it's like, yeah, target me, I guess. I just wish it was better. I could be like, I'm never, ever going to take a comedy class. Stop that. What can they get it from now?

I know they get it from Google searches. Interests. But did they get it from emails yet? Because I said it from Google searches. Interests. But what about – do they get it from emails yet? Because I said that, but I don't know if that's totally true. If you write an email about certain subjects, do they – You're anonymously, meaning you're not connected to you at all. You're connected to a random number that has nothing to do with you. But, yeah, your statistics are sold.

That's why you get free Gmail. That's why you get free Gmail. That's why you can shit like that. But what I'm saying, say if I made you an email where I talked about belt buckles, would I start getting little ads for belt buckles? Yeah, yeah, yeah. While you're checking your Gmail,

not in your inbox, but on the side of your Gmail. Right, and based on an email? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It takes it from your words in your email. That's why if you upload a video to YouTube nowadays, they have a voice translator that listens to the video and then decipher the words in the video

and then sells it based on those words. So I did a video the other day called something forensic files or something like that. And then when you watch the video, it's like, become a forensic scientist on my youtube like an ad pops up i'm like what that's crazy you know like from your emails man so they're taking audio from youtube clips so now but then that's that means they're going to start using it to catch people that are doing crimes right oh yeah for sure because they would have one of the one of the groups that'll buy that information will be you know one one is the advertisers and another will be the government.

Just like, oh, let's make sure. Yeah. Which is sort of like I'm okay with it, but it's like, it's just going to be more annoying to have to like, you can't email your friends about drugs. Yeah, well, eventually. Are they really going to catch people by doing that? Well, I mean, eventually. No, because you're not connected to that number. That's like all anonymous searching.

So they're not going to be... The FBI is not going to be able to use Google analytics or whatever to try to track you down by any... They're not? Not.

Are you sure? I mean, they probably can't do whatever I don't know what Google's policy is on giving up information or how they work that. I thought they were

pretty good about not doing that. There's some terrorist dude and they're following him and, you know, do they just give up the information to the CIA and let the CIA just read all the emails? It makes sense, right? They probably do whatever they want, right? Does Osama bin Laden have a Twitter?

No. Maybe you should start his Twitter. He's probably got a fake Twitter. He should totally do that if he's not. You can find me. Ha ha. I like some of those fake ones. Do you guys follow any fake ones?

Like Jesus Christ or Cobra Commander? I took him off. Cobra Commander is good. I'm following Batman right now. He's not bad. Twitter's amazing. It's such a fun little party, dude. It's crazy that my TV twitters now.

Things like that are twittering. My Samsung has this thing where you have this window pop up that just shows Twitter and stuff. Wow. That's crazy that my TV twitters now. Things like that are twittering. My Samsung has this thing where you have this window pop up that just shows Twitter and stuff like that. That's crazy. And Facebook. So you just keep it on when you're in your living room or something like that? Right. Wow. The fucking interface is closing in.

Yeah. It's closing in. When is the first dude going to get a crazy neural implant or something? Tomorrow. Tomorrow, you think? Yeah. Wow, cool. Someone's going to have a crazy neural implant or something? Tomorrow. Tomorrow, you think? Yeah. Wow, cool. Someone's going to have to dive in, right?

Yeah. So did you hear about this kid that sent an email to the White House? And now he can't get into America? Fucking for life. 17-year-old kid. He's drunk or something. I think he was drunk. He sends an email to the white house and he's

like fuck you obama you're a cunt and he can't get into america yeah how do you get the white house is this just the white house i think you can just email the white house yeah you can just email and that's the first one they've gotten you think tons of americans know that but this one they're making a big deal out of because it's Because the kid's 17 and because they said that because of this, he can never enter the country again. That's what I meant. We should find out what exactly. Brian, see if you can find it, man. Find out what the kid said exactly.

Because I don't even think it was a really extreme thing. I think he called him a pussy or a punk ass or something like that. But that has to happen like 50 times a day. Well, you would think so, but no. I think it's super illegal. Let's write one right now. And if you're from another country, you know, this guy's from England, they can just decide that you can't.

Let's write one to Obama right now, but all innuendo. Like, I hope nothing happens to you. Things like that. Right. You still have my respect, wink, wink. Is your cock as delicious as I think it would be? Would that be a terrible thing to say to him? I don't think so.

If you were treating him like a real friend. Do you think that the public could... Imagine if we found out that Obama was gay. And then he has kids and he loves his wife and everything, but really he's gay. Just procreated with a woman. Would people be able to hang with that? No. No, right? No.

No. Most people not, but I think it would go a long way to making a lot more people sexually tolerant towards gays. You know what it is? There's so many straight people that are worried about losing people to Team Gay. That's what it is. It's like, if there was all of a sudden a gay president,

the straight people who are on Team Straight would think they would lose a lot of dudes who are on the fence. Yeah. They would just fucking presidents get. That's it. Start sucking dick. They don't want to be un-American. Yeah. They know how gullible people are.

It might start a giant trend. Do you think that's what they think? I think that's what they're worried about. I think that's what they're worried about. I think if you expose the fact that Obama was gay, there's like a whole conspiracy. I have not read into it. It seems pretty ridiculous. Well, there's that conspiracy, but there's the gay lover conspiracy.

Have you heard this one? What? Obama has a gay lover? Yes. There's a guy who has YouTube clips. Go look it up. Larry something, Obama's gay lover. Listen to this guy talk.

I'm not joking. You think I'm joking. Why? This guy has a bunch of YouTube clips, and he did a public press conference where he talked about how Obama and him had oral sex. Oh, he's saying he's the one who did it. Yeah. Yeah. The best thing is that people will read a headline and then say, oh, no, I heard Obama

has a gay lover. They don't know that there's a story about just some kook, and one respected at all and just the headline gets out the same way these birther people going got going well it's so there's no proof of this at all there's no question people they argue like it's a game it's just like they're playing catch you know or you know they're trying to throw the ball harder i mean that's how they did how about that guy uh at the uh show behind hold that for a second hold up for a second brian there was a guy at the show Brian hold that for a second hold that for a second Brian there was a guy at the show that was

he was yelling I was talking about Stephen Hawking someone was asking about Stephen Hawking and he goes did you hear did you hear Stephen Hawking said that there could not be a universe

without God he like yelled it out like to tell me you know which is exactly not what steven hawking said what he said was that there is it's possible for the universe to exist without god just based on the law of physics doesn't mean there is a god or isn't you know that's kind of the opposite of what this guy said exactly but this guy was yelling it he was standing up and

also so what the fuck is steven hawking decided that decided that? He's just going on faith. It's just a theory. It's an idea. I mean, he doesn't know. I mean, we're talking about giant fucking questions here. So anyway, this guy is the guy who says that he's Obama's gay lover. And he did a press conference. And it's kind of interesting, man.

I mean, it's interesting that if the guy's lying that they can't just lock him up because that sounds like he's a fucking kook and he's a danger to society. Do you remember his name? Larry something or another? I think it's Larry Hackman. I'm pretty sure if you answer Larry Hackman,

you'll see it's a southern guy from Dallas. What percentage do you think of those old school movie stars who were gay? Oh, I think considerably higher percentage because here's why. One, they had that effective voice. Mr. Sinclair, can you explain why if this incident happened in 1999, you waited until 2007 or 2008 to come forward? It's a question of credibility, sir.

Why didn't you come forward back in 1999 or 2000? Well, number one, in 1999, I really didn't care whether he was a senator from Illinois or not, to be honest with you. I wasn't a resident of Illinois. Gayest voice ever? Gayest voice ever?

I was living in Mexico up until 2006. It really was of no interest to me. I know plenty of politicians, both locally and internationally, that are pretty much crooked. Who was he speaking before? I don't know, but it looks like fucking some Congress-type wall shit behind him. Where is he talking, Brian? It's the House of Fagotry. I never saw proof that this place is a real place.

Do you see any financial support for your efforts from anyone? And if so, do any of those people have connections to the Republican Party? I'm glad you asked that question. Number one, I am not connected with any party, Republican, Independent, Libertarian, Democratic, none, nor are anybody that are contributing to the cost and the expense of this. Every penny that has gone to pay for this press conference, my travel expenses, have come from average American citizens, most of them actually according to their own statements are declared independents, in the sums of from $12.31 to $100 each.

in the sums of from $12.31 to $100 each. So loony. But that he's gay is not up for debate. That part of the story, I believe. What is Veritas Federal Media, and what role do they have in renting this venue and the camera crew in back? The media company you just requested, what is it? It's exactly what I just answered, this gentleman.

It represents every individual person. It's not a company, in all honesty. It was established as an e-mail address when I arrived here for the Democratic National Committee's bylaws and rules. Rules and bylaws? Okay, I did. I did. Okay, it's not a company. It is nothing more than a name.

All right, this fruitcake's annoying the shit out of me. So we'll get to the part where he says he had sex with Barack Obama, please. Yeah, he's not a company. Alright, this fruitcake's annoying the shit out of me. So, we'll get to the part where he says he had sex with Barack Obama, please. Yeah, he's very verbose. He goes into detail about their sexual encounters. What kind of graphic detail? Yeah, not too graphic. Not like what you're looking for. That's, you know, I want specific instructions about lube. And I was like, cradling my balls, and he was like, oh shit, bitch. I felt him quiver.

Why would he be introduced by his true name to you, and you would know that he was a politician over the years? How did you realize that it was him? I mean, because if he's gonna engage in sex and drug taking, and he's a renowned politician in Chicago, it strikes me as a little bit strange that they give you his real name through a limo driver. I mean, that story doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

And how would you remember for 10 years when you lived away and then recognized him on TV? That question is 10 times more awesome because of that dude's accent. Okay, first of all, yes, he was introduced to me by name, okay? He was introduced to me as Barack Obama. And as far as me not knowing that he was a politician locally, I wasn't a resident. Hang on. I was not a resident of Illinois. When I became aware of exactly who he was, was when he gave the keynote speech at the Democratic National Convention in 2004 while I was living in Mexico watching it on Sky TV.

Bam! Suck on that, Mexican. Oh! living in Mexico, watching it on Sky TV. Bam! Suck on that, Mexican. Oh! No, I did not say that. I told you he was, in fact, introduced to me by name. I have always stated that he was introduced to me as Barack Obama.

Why do they get into all this nitpicking detail stuff? Because they want to just catch his stories immediately. They want to make sure that... They're like, hold on, we've got a lot of questions. See how much he's lying about. Yeah, and if he wants to answer all the questions. Alright, so listening to that, if you had a guess, if you had a bet, if you went to Vegas and they had the odds up,

would you bet? Would you bet that guy's telling the truth or Obama? You'd have to give the odds. Absolutely not. Depending on the odds. Totally fake. If it was like 2 to 1? No, no. If you gave it 2 to 1, I would not take that he's telling the odds. Totally fake. If it was like two to one? Two to one. No, no. If you give me two to one,

I would not take that he's telling the truth. If you gave me like five, five thousand to one. Oh, really? That would be enough to get me to bet

like a solid hundred dollars. He might have government gaydar blockers. Yeah, on abiding a homosexual man. There's some crazy bets like that where you just kind of go,

damn, you never know. You know what? Maybe. Fucking you never know. He. Fucking, you never know. He doesn't seem... Gay at all. He wouldn't be like one of the guys that'd be like, no way.

So it's like, all right. He's got government gaydar blockers. It's enough to take a 5,000 to one shot. I have a friend and her dad's friend was in the CIA and they were friends with all these secret service dudes and they talk about

like presidents and what presidents were into and which presidents cheated on their wives. Probably all of them, right? Yes, that's what they say. They say all of them and they all did it very discreetly. Carter didn't.

Carter was like really faithful and into it. Who knows what these guys are. You know what? There had to be a super Christian who just did it. This is all just bullshit. It's all just someone talking. Who the fuck knows if he's telling the truth? He said, but the one thing that they all talked about, all the Secret Service guys, was about

how Clinton would just whip out his dick. Really? Awesome. It was just so crazy. You couldn't leave him alone with a chick. Because he would just try to fuck him in like bathrooms and shit he would try to get him to suck his dick in bathrooms really yeah yeah he was he was a lokester of course he's just a man yeah of course once he started once he gets like four or

five girls to do that he'd be like oh my i could just do this i think he's a wild man he's a rock star he's like yeah he was like a rock star. That's what it is. He was the president. It was just too much. He thought they were willing to keep their mouth shut. Well, women like men with power, right? That's like a thing that people know. He has the most power. He was the strangest president of all time.

To be in a president and getting caught getting a blowjob while you're the president, man. Fast food. Whoa. while you're the president, man. Fast food. Whoa. And then the fact that they made such a big deal out of it and chased it down

and impeachment hearings. That was weird. It was like, why are we asking what he lied about? Who wouldn't lie about cheating on another woman? And the fact that I really loved him

as a president. It's so weird that we would go so deep into his personal life like that. I loved it. I think he was great. I think he was one of the best presidents we had in a while.

Well, he was an egomaniac. They're all egomaniacs. But he was a very bright man, that's for sure. He was a great speaker. It's just so hard to tell when you talk about who's a good president, who's a bad president. It's so hard to tell what that even means. I don't know how much they have to do with what happens.

Plus, if 9-1-1 happened on his clock, what would happen to him? Stuff like that. Then you open up a whole big fat can of Alex Jones right there. Right there. Ladies and gentlemen, the reason why this has all happened, this is all pre-planned out by the government. They've been doing this since Hitler burned the Reichstag,

since Nero burned Rome. I want to auto-tune Alex Jones. You should. How come nobody has? Oh, I'm sure they have. You just realized, like, oh, they definitely have. They definitely have. They've auto-tuned everything. It's a pretty fascinating little piece of

equipment. We just accept it, but it makes it makes like shit that's not even a song a song it really does you know i mean you can really make someone sound like they're singing a fucking song that song it was like 10 or 12 years ago no what did he have it was like a hit really yeah they put some of his stand-up to uh to so it was boz lorman i think oh and they put it to music yeah he put it to music that's right how long ago was that maybe more now maybe like maybe like 12 12 years ago 12 12 to 15 years ago jesus

15 years ago every now and then you get like one of those those things remember before youtube um they had that one um song that was really just like a motivational speech to like a class yeah that that was boz lerman yeah and then this was the same guy yeah that was and he had a song on the um romeo and juliet soundtrack the same guy really yeah yeah i remember that like live in northern california but leave before it makes you too soft yeah yeah yeah yeah that kind of shit live in new york but leave before it makes it too hard yeah yeah yeah it's kind of weird every time it came on i remember listening to it and thinking it was super deep if i was like 17 then i was like fucking great what are you doing brian

alex jones auto tune but i don't think it's really it oh no yeah um that uh that that was a cool fucking song i love when they do that every now and then someone comes along with a good like motivational song you know you just don't don't get them very often anymore no fuck your motivation yeah yeah yeah it's not really in there right now no one's really rocking it that way anymore you gotta get your motivation online son do you guys see Piranha 3D fuck yes did we already talk about that

I think we did I heard all about it what do you guys think about that other 3D one that just opened up it just opened Friday Resident Evil 3 that looks like it'd be fun. That looks like it might be an okay 3D one.

But honestly, I'm so fucked by these asshole movie people. They don't trust the 3D anymore. That Mila Jojovic is hot as fuck. I guess that Resident Evil 3, that Resident Evil 3, I guess that movie was like the second movie ever that was made like... Are they really saying that?

Like for real. The other one was Avatar. Are they really saying that? For real. The other one was Avatar. Maybe I'll go see it. They said that it would take... This camera could only film for 20 seconds at a time or something like that. They had to do whole scenes

in big chunks. It's just crazy 3D. The Avatar movie. I haven't heard anything about it. The previews look pretty dope. Whenever I see one, it's like, fuck.

Every time I go, it's like, all right. It's almost not worth it to have it's like, fuck. Every time I go, it's like, all right. It's almost not worth it to have the glasses on your face the whole time. Yeah. There was one point in time when I was watching Piranha where I took the glasses off just out of instinct. I'm like, these are annoying.

Yeah. And then I said, it's not as good. Shit. And I put them back on. I thought I could just watch it blurry and be fine with it. No, it's too blurry. It's too blurry. I'd want it to take the glasses off and go to normal.

That would suck. Yeah, yeah. Piranha 3D was fun for that, though. The graphics, they're getting pretty good at the 3D effects, like what they can do. Jack-ass 3D might be pretty good.

You think? Yeah. They might use it fine. Those make me too uncomfortable. Oh, I love them so much. Those dudes are always hurting themselves and shit. God, it's the greatest thing ever.

I wonder how many concussions those dudes have gotten. Probably a few. Seriously, man. The one where Johnny Knoxville let that fucking bull slam him. He's crazy. There's more bulls than this one, I guess. He stood in front of a bull with a blindfold on.

That dude's out of his mind. He comes so close to death. You would have died right there. That dude's out of his mind. He comes so close to death. If somebody said, you would have died right there. That easily could have been a rap. Yeah. A bull. He stood in front of a bull. I remember right after

he became a movie star, he'd just done some first movie or something, and people were like, oh, it's Johnny Knoxville. He became a star. So he did the second one, and they shot them

with either paint guns just straight to their chest or just those stun guns, and then it just goes boom and explodes on them. They shoot like a bunch of marbles or something, something crazy. And I was like, oh, fuck, because he got knocked over and he goes,

how's the face? Is his face okay? All right, we're good. That's it. He just bruises everywhere in his body. I almost barfed during that second movie. I was laughing so hard I almost threw up. The one with the asshole

where he shoved something up the ass. What was it? That was the first one. Enema? Oh, was it the first one? It was the Mattel, what's it called? Car. A little mini toy car.

So hard to watch. And it conned him up his asshole. And he had to go, I'm sore, Doc. Can you take an x-ray? It's so hard to watch. One person getting jacked for everybody else's amusement. But it's a very specific type of entertainment you know and then i'll have these great drawn out like plotty stuff like these

weird things that really elaborate other times i'll be sitting around talking and just see somebody coming from behind just punch somebody in the head like that's it and then everybody laughs so dumb or shave his hair you guys didn't see the MTV Music Awards last night, right? No. Oh, shit. Did they have some Jackass stuff on there? So you know the Taylor Taylor Swift thing? The Taylor Swift girl. Kanye West. Yeah, she's the girl that was on stage receiving the award. Kanye West got on stage,

took the microphone away from her, and actually interrupted her speech. Yo, I got to say something. Yeah, it was... Beyonce deserves this shit. The worst version of ego, like I think i've ever seen at one of those things that his opinion would be so important right then in front of all those people that he would interrupt this girl winning the most important award of her career right to say that someone else had a great video too and it's like it has a great video what are you fighting

for right now like that's your world this was one of the best of all time. The best of all time. Meanwhile, I know all the art fags will fucking disagree with me, but I didn't even think it was that great. The Beyonce video? Yeah. Oh, I liked it.

It was a bunch of cuts. If it was one shot, I could see it, but it wasn't, so it was a bunch of cuts, and her thighs look big. I like those big thighs. So, like, whatever. I like those big thighs. She was on last night,

and it starts off showing that clip of what happened with her and Kanye. Who was on? Taylor Swift and it starts off showing that clip of what happened with her and Kanye. Who was on? Taylor Swift on the video Music Awards. And it's doing static, and it's showing parts of it. And then it has her in a guitar singing this whole sad song about the whole thing. Oh, no. She wrote a song about it?

Yes. And it's like a horrible fucking song. Oh, play that song. Here we song. Play that song. Play that song, please. Oh my goodness. ...guarded and private, so it's rare when one lets us inside their inner world. Taylor Swift is different.

Her songs are stories right out of the pages of her diary. There's this thing that people do when they're bullshitting like this where it sounds like that. Pause it for a second. There's a language that people use when they're totally bullshitting that sounds like this. She was raised in a small town. There's this same song. This is not accurate.

What I'm saying right now is just show business. It's just... I am reading this off a cue card and trying to emote as best as I know how. Exactly. I'm just trying to get everybody excited. And you know those cheers are coming. The woos are coming. She is 2010's number one hottie of the year.

And we all think. Look at those freckles. What is it about that way of talking? What is it about that weird sing-songy way of talking? You know, it's like we have a bunch of different ways that we'll accept people talking. One of them is like political speech. You know, when someone gets on stage and starts talking about Al-Qaeda, you know, we will find the enemy.

We will root them out. We will take them out. There's like this sort of a political way of talking where they pause for claps. DJ at a strip club. Yeah, there's another one. Get up on the stage. When you're doing that, it's like why do they have to settle into one certain way of speaking? Foot 49, foot 49, taking off and bail.

Yeah. Same way, too. There's like a bunch of different patterns of behavior. Was that your family talking at dinner? No, there was a pilot. I don't talk. There you go. Plus mushrooms.

You know, it's like sports guys. Here we are, bottom of the ninth. You know, they have a certain, you know, it's like there's a bunch of different ones. I'm still talking the same, too. Strip club DJs is a really good one. Eat on stage. Because that one is national man that goes everywhere it goes the same everywhere yeah southern northern michigan florida same shit reporters too like on news or yes like radio news and stuff like that yeah and and comics a lot of comics you know especially in the early

days there's a lot of comics in the 80s comics sounded a certain way. Charlie Chaplin. No, not that early. There were some guys in the 80s that just got good at doing the comedy voice and really never were good at comedy. But they somehow or another made a living as a comedian saying obvious shit with the comedy voice. Just really good at that comedy voice. I suppose I'm supposed to be the one to figure this out? What is this?

Is this a puzzle here? I'm supposed to... Are you talking about Paul Reiser? I'm talking about there's a bunch of dudes like that. Stuff writes itself. Yeah. Yeah, there was a bunch of dudes like that. They were always the strong advocates

of the clean-only comedy as well. Clean-only. You know what? Just right now, I sort of get it. It's like they want to get ahead. let's just try to pretend to limit it to just only us is acceptable yeah that way we'll root out at least half of the fucking competition and all the good ones yeah or all the people that are going to come over and try to be clean they're not going to be really honest so it's like they're not to be worried about so many comics are haters that's

a great move yeah so many comics are haters i guess that's a lot of what the clean comedy thing is when they're telling guys to not be dirty what people don't need what people need to realize especially comics need to remember if you're you know like 35 or something like that and you're talking to some 21 year old open mic or telling him he's talking about sex too much and swearing too much guess what that's what that guy's thinking about that's all he's thinking about always think what he's thinking about pussy and when the next ufc is and playing Call of Duty when he gets off work. He's fucking 21.

You know what nobody ever told me when I was trying to do clean for like a while so I could do this one clean show every couple weeks? It was like, someone should pull me aside. I'm like, all right, just, you don't, you talk about politics too much. Just stop. It's annoying. Like, nobody cares. You were talking about politics?

Whatever it was, I was talking about cleany stuff too much. Whatever's in the news. And it was like, someone should have pulled me aside there and said, stop. Well, that's, you know, you're just trying to learn your voice. You know, you never know what, you know, I tried. But that's what I'm saying. But if you're being dirtied, learn it that way. Yeah.

You know? And Ari's voice is dicks and assholes and sex. But you had to find out that that was your voice on stage, too. Yeah. You know, you had to perform a lot and figure out what's the most fun for you, what makes you comfortable. And it's not limited either. That's the thing about comedy.

It's like you could talk about clean shit on stage too. But when you limit yourself, you don't ever limit yourself like, well, I'll never do another clean joke again. Nobody ever does that. But you do say, I'm done with this dirty material. It's time to clean up my act and make it family friendly. Puppies and happy. Nothing wrong with puppies and happy, man, but you

can't limit your fucking thoughts. That's annoying. It's annoying. You fuck it up for everybody. Do you want to hear the rest of this? Sure, yeah. Performing it for the first time ever, Taylor Swift. Oh, Christ. I love our high tech equipment.

Oh no, she's playing it back. He looks like Godzilla. A little mid-Godzilla coming up to her. That's some Sasquatch footage. It was. That's like the thing from Boggy Creek. Oh my God, she wrote a song about it and then showed the video first? Dude, touch your dick while the song's on.

No, I think it's illegal. How old is she? By the way, I'm just going to go on the record. She's old? I already like this. She's like 16. I can't hear all the words. She's pretty. Fuck it, I like this.

I don't care what you guys say. I like it so far. Listen to the lyrics. I don't... Wait, hold up a second. No, no, let it play, let it play. I can't hear any of the words. I can't understand them.

I can't understand her. I can't understand her. Turn up your headphones. I can't understand her. I can hear her. You're still bright to me, oh Who you are is not what you've been You're still an innocent You're still an innocent With some things you can't speak of But tonight you'll live it all again You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now If only you had see what you know now then I have no idea

what this bitch is talking about. That's what I'm saying. You can't understand it. No, it's not an understanding. One out of five words. It's all metaphor and poetry. Yeah, well, no, I understand all the words,

but it doesn't mean anything. She's saying peanut butter sandwiches on the moon, space bananas doesn't mean anything. She's saying, peanut butter sandwiches on the moon, space bananas going through your bloodstream. She's just making shit up. She's on her period, Joe. Leave her alone.

I want to see the lyrics. I want to see what the lyrics are. They'll hurt your brain. They will hurt your brain, son. I don't mind this. She's just a kid, and she was fucking rocked by that thing. Whatever. I like her voice, though.

It's beautiful. And then Kanye did one also. Oh, no, he didn't. Yeah, and it's even worse. Get the fuck out of here. How could it be worse? He tried to be all fancy, like using this machine, and it just wasn't a good song.

Oh, my God. So that's how they're dealing with this issue a year later they're making both of them go it's a year later they probably planned it from the beginning was it a year ago yeah yeah it was last year and by the way let me just tell you this that's not a coincidence that those both did songs like that right the vmas reached out and told them why don't you guys both do a song about this oh obviously all contrived obviously but was it made a year before it even happened or a year after so strange that this is what we fixate on but it is fascinating and here i am watching it she's sad right there oh she's so pretty

this song sucks though i know I know, it does suck. All her songs suck. They play teeny bopper music. No, they don't all suck. She plays music for 15-year-olds. This is a boring-ass song. I've heard her stuff. It's just boring.

It's shitty Top 40 music. It's fine, but it's for kids. If more than 10 people know about the band, Ari doesn't like it. Why is Ari so mad? So mad. All her stuff sucks. I mean, just calm down a couple notches, man. It's okay.

I don't want to get upset. She's just a little kid. She's just a little girl, Ari. That's what I'm saying. Do you like chick songs? Yeah. I love chick songs. I do.

I love Chick Voices. I love Sarah McLoughlin. I love Sheryl Crow. Like, really good chick singers. Yeah. You know, they achieve like harmonies. I had a show

called that first album. The Sheryl Crow album? Yeah. The first one? First one's good. The second one's better. Second one's really good. I had a Sheryl Crow

fuck dream recently where I really thought I was having sex with her and it went back into the dream and I continued to have sex with her. With her now

or with her then? It seemed like cover of her album. That's what she looked like. Even then, didn't she hit when she was like almost 40? It was like cover of her album. That's what she looked like. Even then, didn't she hit when she was like almost 40? It was like,

I don't even know. Yeah, she was fairly old when she first hit. She had boobs. She had boobs. She had boobs? Did she get skinnier

and lose her boobs or something? Didn't she get like boob cancer or something like that? Whoa. Did she? Did she?

I don't know. You're just making that up. I might be. She was dating a guy who had testicular cancer. Yeah, Brian just? Did she? I don't know. You're just making that up. I might be. You better make, yeah. She was dating a guy who had testicular cancer. Yeah, Brian just connects cancer together. I don't know,

she's fucking sick too probably. But with the guy she was dating, by the way, I've been reading this article, shit, I forget what magazine it is, but it's an article

on Lance Armstrong, maybe it's GQ, one of those, about whether or not they're going to bust him. Like, they're going after him. Oh yeah, she had breast cancer. She did of those, about whether or not they're going to bust him. Like, they're going after him. Oh, yeah.

She had breast cancer. She did? Yeah, she also opened a breast cancer center. Oh, good for her. And if you just Google Sheryl Crow booby titty cancer. Is that what she did? Yeah. It goes right to you.

Wrong with you, boy. Booby titty. Did you Google image that or did you Google? No, I did video. I wanted to see video of her boobs. They're going after him, man. They're going after him. To see if he lies.

They're the same guys that went after Barry Bonds. They're going after him. To see if he lies. The same guys that went after Barry Bonds. They're going after him. Barry Bonds lied in front of Congress. Yeah. Did he or did Mark McGuire lie in front of Congress? Did Barry Bonds lie in front of Congress too? No, Mark McGuire just said, I'll plead the fifth or I'll tell you what I did. Didn't Mark McGuire, he didn't lie?

Roger Clemens went in front of Congress. Roger Clemens, thank you. So Mark McGuire, he's in trouble because they said, when you have immunity, come and tell us right now. So, he goes, yes, I used all these steroids. Fuck. And they're like, well, now I'll never be in the Hall of Fame. I think that's what happened. Maybe it was Jason Giambi who did that.

When Jose Canseco came out with that book. I think he said, I take the fifth. Yeah, and it was all true, Canseco. Yeah. But the crazy thing is that Canseco ratted everybody out. Everybody's like, well, dude, the system that was in place is the reason why you got so good, the reason why you got so rich and famous and successful. Why do you have to, is it really that important that you tell everybody?

Jock talk. People can't handle the truth. You can't handle jock talk. Jock talk? Yes. Well, this isn't really jock talk, Brian. This is talking about steroids. It's talking about, I wonder how many,

what is the percentage of elite athletes that are on performance enhancing substances like that? Aren't they all on some stuff? I think so, because any fit person I know, they're on a thousand things. If it's not vitamins and fucking supplements. Well, they're definitely on vitamins and supplements. They just go a little further than people.

They probably get really into that shit. It's a funny thing that people are so upset about it. You know? Like, they're like, Lance Armstrong. Dude, shut that shit up. Ari, professional.

The Lance Armstrong thing, for whatever reason, is like extra disturbing to people because he seems like this humble, hardworking guy and, you know, this rugged dude who just goes out there

and is an American and beats the fucking world cyclist at their own game and wins over and over and over again. He's like the icon of American dominance in that kind of racing. To find out that that guy's on some shit. But apparently they're all on some shit. If you talk to anybody that knows anybody that's a cycler.

It's like my other theories about gay and about anorexic. If they super look like they are, if everyone's going to be accusing them constantly, it's like my other theories about gay and about and about like anorexic. Like if they super look like they are, if everyone's going to be accused of them constantly, it's like then they are, you know? Yeah, I think they all have to.

I think in order to be able to do that fucking Tour de France type shit. He said, I've never, I've never, I've been tested many times. I've never come up

with anything weird. Yeah, he's never tested. I've always said I've never taken this. I wonder if there's a way to beat every test, you know? I mean, who the fuck knows? It could I wonder if there's a way to beat every test. I mean, who the fuck knows?

It could very well be that there's a bunch of haters and this dude who's ratting them out just sucks for him that Lance Armstrong is a genetic freak. The big thing is, why do we even know who that is? You know who the racer is? Yeah. Bicycles. You've got to bang Sheryl Crow, son. Yeah, it's all because of Sheryl Crow.

Because he bicycles. It's not even a sport. I don't even care how long he's turning up. This guy I know worships him, Lance Armstrong. Really into him, right?

Yeah, he has the bracelet on and he's just the biggest Lance. I'm like, really? Wow. He's a bike guy, right? Well, you know, it's a very difficult thing. I get into it too.

It's like, you overcame cancer in one, but it's like, what am I even looking at? Why? Did you hear what Chael Sonnen said? What?

Chael Sonnen did this interview, and he said, look, Lance Armstrong cheated. Lance Armstrong got cancer because Lance Armstrong took her. He said all this crazy shit, and then when they called him on it, he said, I did not say that. I've never spoken of Lance Armstrong. So then Jim Rohn plays him back the fucking tape, and Chael says, well, I don't know. Maybe it was my connection. But that doesn't sound like me at all. That guy sounded Hispanic.

I love that guy. He has them great. Dude, he's the funniest fucking guy in sports by far. The UFC wanted him to win so bad. Oh, well, they're giving him another shot, man. They're going to do it again. He's doing a Q&A in Austin. He's going to do many of the Qs on his own, I bet.

Fuck yeah. He's going to do a dozen Q&As. He's the master. They can't fuck with him. He's like a politician. I would love to see the moment where he's in his chair answering questions. He just answers one and says, what do you think of so-and-so? He goes, I think he's going to grab the mic and stand up.

He's going to do that move and start pointing at people. I wish I could see that. He's a bad motherfucker. He is a bad motherfucker, that Chael Sonnen. He's an interesting dude. It's quite a character. Republican, comedian, fighter, badass. Interesting dude.

So close to winning. Yeah, he got right into that fucking fifth round, and then he got caught in a triangle. Whoo, what drama, man. to winning. Yeah, he got right into that fucking fifth round, then he got caught in a triangle. Woo! What drama, man. Anderson must have been playing possum, waiting for the moment. I don't know about that. No, I mean, when he was on the ground in the last round, it looked like, I mean,

obviously, I'm not saying that he was waiting for that moment. He knew it was going to happen. I mean, Chael was beating the shit out of him, taking him down at will. It was a tough fight for him, but in that final round, man, he just picked his spot perfect. He knew right when to slap it on, and at a speed that Sonnen didn't. You get

used to, when both guys are tired, you get used to moving at a certain pace, and then he just waited for his opening, was only moving at a certain pace, almost like he's giving up, and then slaps it on. And there's no waiting. He's immediately wailing on his head. I guess he couldn't. He didn't know how much time was left.

Yeah. He slapped that fucking thing on tight, too. He got the arm involved as well. Triangle with the arm. It's Brian's favorite. I love it. I love it. I love it.

How did you know that, Joe? Did you read my dream diary? Going to Austin, Texas tomorrow, fella. I'm not going. You're not going. I should have scheduled the end. Ari's not going either. Who are you talking to?

I was going to say that that's where you want to live. Oh, yeah, yeah, totally. I totally want to live in Austin, man. Just imagine living near Alex Jones and going to a hummingbird farm. Do you want to be put on that list? That's like a stray cat, bro. No, he has a stamp collection i guess that it's just magnificent stamp collection yes he has like a room devoted

to stamps and really he like holds up like magnifying glasses and he has like all these like like there's like stamps that are more rare than other because like there's like a little c on it or something he's crazy but i like that guy uh i i enjoy hanging out with him yeah he's crazy but he's a fun crazy to me. He's always been nice to me. And you know what? He's right about a lot of shit. I don't know if he's right about everything.

Have you ever asked him to write you into a conspiracy? He doesn't write them. Well, they're out there, man. They're in the ether. He just picks up on them. He's never orchestrated any conspiracies. He's like a hound dog for the truth. Yeah.

He's just constantly online, constantly doing research, looking into these new world order scum that want to come here and take away your rights, take away your guns, take away Jesus. It's like he's constantly doing book reports all day long. He's out of his mind. He's problem solving. But he's a good guy. When you're hanging around with him, he's a good guy.

He's very entertaining to me. And he's got balls, man. He doesn't give a fuck. He'll get arrested. He'll eat meat and drink booze. Yeah. If he had a talking dog and a flashlight, that would be awesome. And I'm not saying that I ever got high with him.

What did I say? Forget it. You didn't say that. Why would you? I like hanging out with him. He's a good dude. I like Alex Jones. People think he's crazy, but I think the world needs some crazy people.

It makes things more interesting. Is it a lot of fear-mongering? Maybe. Maybe we don't have enough fear-mongering. Maybe we're too complacent. Maybe we're not paying attention enough, and guys like him are important, whether they're over the top or not. He might very well be, but maybe not.

Look at the fucking worst-case examples of the world, all the nutty shit that people have done out there. It's very possible that he's right about way more than we want to admit. He is the coolest guy in the whole world, though. That's the truth. Coolest guy in the whole world? Yeah. Really?

Better than Ari. I thought you were. I thought you were the coolest guy in the whole world. There's like a list of ten people you can do. What is that Japanese writing on your shirt? Do you know what it means oh yeah this is mc chris shirt and what's so funny is that this asian girl came up to me and was just like oh let me read oh that's that's hilarious i'm like what's it mean it says fuck you fuck face does it yeah it says fuck you fuck face wow so you're walking around all day with this making as Asian women cry. Crazy eyeballed kid.

What is with his eyeballs? That's MC Chris. That's Enema. He's got the... Right, but why... Is he supposed to be... MC Chris, yeah. Is that what it is?

Light reflections in his eyeballs? Or is he... He's fucked up. He's high. Yeah, that's what I thought. He mitches weed off me all the time. Oh, he mitches. What?

What did you just say? I'm just kidding. Do you ever get high with MC Chris? No. Who's the most famous person? Of course I get high with MC Chris. You know what I really regret? The one guy I didn't get high with that I really regret?

What? Coolio. Coolio? I fucked up, man. When Coolio was on Fear Factor. Coolio won Fear Factor. He won Fear Factor? Yeah, he was high all day.

Why didn't you do it? They were smoking this stinky, skunky weed, and I was already high when I got there. Oh, yeah. And I didn't want to get too high to do the show. So I did go in, and I didn't ask. And I didn't want to be that guy either. I mean, he's there with his buddies and everything. I don't know him that well.

Yeah. I didn't want to be that guy like, hey, I'm the host of the show, so I'm going to hang out in your dressing room with you and your friends. We're all going to smoke weed together. We're cool, right? Yeah. You know, I mean, he's been a famous guy for a long time. I didn't want to impose on him. Yeah.

But he was super duper barbecued every fucking day he was on the set. It got to be like a joke on the show. Really? Because you would open up his trailer door. We'd send PAs in there to go get him. Just the real post. It was a Cheech and Chong movie. Just clouds of smoke coming out of there.

And then when we had him on the show, dude, he was so high, he was talking about how he's done this in other lives. What? He goes, I've done this. I've lived many lives.

I've done this. Really? Yeah, in other universes. Yeah, you should have puffed on with him. I should have just, like, I'll hit one once with you, man.

Damn it, I didn't get high with Coolio. Shit! I got high with Everlast. I've gotten high with Everlast a bunch of times. Everlast from The House of Pain. But I got high with Everlast. I've gotten high with Everlast a bunch of times. Everlast from the House of Pain. But I got high with Everlast once in a club in Vegas.

Everlast is a gangster. He doesn't give a fuck. He pulls out this joint. He goes, you want some of this, homie? I was like, fuck yeah. Let's go out. He goes, go out. Shit. He just starts lightning. Does he live in Vegas?

No, I don't believe so. I believe he lives in LA. It's the only times I've met him. He didn't give a fuck. Twice with you in Vegas. And people saw him smoking weed and they didn't say shit. They just let it go.

They didn't say shit. They're like, you gotta let it go. It's Everlast. Did you ever get stoned with Phil Hartman? No. No, I didn't.

Were you getting high back then? Damn. No, no. I never got high back then. Did he? That was the back. Yes, he did. That was back then the day and I felt bad that he was getting high. That? Damn. No, no, I never got high back then. Did he? Yes, he did. That was back then the day, and I felt bad that he was getting high.

That's how silly I was. This is in the, you know, I eat wheatgrass juice every day and exercise, and I barely drink days. I used to think until I was like in my 30s, I think I was 30 or 31, I used to think the pot made you stupid. So this was back in the pot made you stupid days. Right. But Hartman was having a lot of problems with his wife

and they would fight a lot. And the one thing that he said always made it better is if he went and got high. He said, if I got high, he goes, then I can be more patient with her. I can talk to her.

And I was thinking, this poor guy has to be drugged up. Right. In order to have a good time. Like how sad is that? And you could have been getting stoned with this poor hand gliding and could have been could have been getting high with them combing each other's hair it's so weird how anything you don't do a bunch of times though you've never really been through something you just look at people like it's such a shame well

you know i i knew a lot of kids when i was growing up that were doing drugs and they all turned out to be losers and i was absolutely terrified of being a loser. And my entire high school career from the time I was 15 on, I was fighting competitively in martial arts tournaments. That's all I did. And I knew that partying and doing drugs and anything that I fucked up my body with, it was going to be really bad on my performance and I was going to get hurt. I was going to get knocked out. So I always associated any sort of drugs, anything like pot, anything that makes you lazy, that's was going to get hurt. I was going to get knocked out. So I always associated any sort of drugs, anything like pot, anything that makes you lazy, you're just going to get your ass kicked if you fuck with that stuff.

That's how I put it in my head. I put it in my head that it was for losers and lazy people. And you just left it there. Just left it there. So even though Phil Hartman is this multi-millionaire, I'm like, poor guy's got to smoke pot. Because your preconceived ideas are set. Yeah. But if you came to it fresh and somebody said, hey, and you just came to the world where you hadn't seen, but you saw all these really cool people doing it, you're like, no, I'm pretty sure the cool people are doing it.

Yeah. He never really put it in the same perspective that Eddie Bravo did. When Eddie Bravo, the way he put it into, it was much more that pot is beneficial. Much more like pot's giving him all this positive things and all these ideas and enhancing his creativity. Eddie was really espousing the virtues of pot, whereas Phil was more of talking about how when he smokes pot, his life is tolerable.

When he smokes pot, his relationship is tolerable. It was really a trip because i you know i if i had known back then i probably could have got high with him all the time yeah had a great fucking time we had a great time anyway he was he was a really really cool guy i did a lot of fun shit with that dude god he took me out in his plane he had a little plane yeah it's a little single engine that's a lot of trust in someone man i've been in a couple of those little tiny planes, and it's scary. I love that dude. He was fun.

He was really honest. He would talk to you about all kinds of crazy shit. He was up in this plane with me, and he was showing me where to live, showing me good places to live. This is good. It's not as populated. It's a little more property. And then over here, it's nice and very convenient.

He took me up in his plane. Show me around. Over here, way too many Persians. Ha, ha, he never said that. You're putting words in his mouth, son. But, you know, that was right before the end, you know. It was just, it was so sad. It was really, you know, the weirdest thing was after we all went to this sort of a memorial service.

Yeah. we all went to this sort of a memorial service. Yeah. And all the cast, we all went to Paul Simms' house, who was the creator of the show, the executive producer. And we were all, like, in shock. And, you know, Paul goes, Joe, you know, you can always talk. Like, why don't you say something?

And I said, you know, fuck, you know. I don't even know what to say. I said he was a great guy. I enjoyed being around him. It's like I didn't even know what to say i said he was a great guy i enjoyed being around him it's like i didn't even i didn't even know what to say everything i said just sounded so stupid yeah it's like what am i saying why am i even talking here we all just feel like shit and do we do we even have some do we have some good stories let's let's see if we can remember some stories you know and just but it was just like so crazy it's like He's dead? His wife shot him and then she shot herself. He just left.

He's just gone. Exited the world. He just blanked out of existence. Yeah. Very, very strange. It's such a surreal feeling. I've had it happen a bunch of times now. It never gets normal.

Yeah, at least it was like a partier. You could sort of see it like, oh, shit. That just came out of nowhere. Oh, it's horrible. Who gets killed by their wife? So horrible. It was so horrible. And, you know, here's the most horrible thing.

When I first heard the news, I thought he killed her. Really? And then killed himself? Yeah, I thought he... Because he hated her so much? I just thought he couldn't take it anymore. Like, she might have done something to him, and he went crazy, and they fought it out, and then he wound up killing her.

Oh, yeah? Well, how about this? Yeah. Who knows? Who knows? I never would have believed that he would have done that. But when I heard the news, I mean, that's what you always assume that the man is responsible for the violence, don't you?

I've dated a lot of crazies lately. Well, not violent ones you haven't. We'll talk later. Poor fella. You need a hug? Yeah. It's the most important thing, I think, in any relationship is don't ever be around someone who likes to yell.

Don't ever be around someone who's looking to get way more angry than they should. What if you're into that? Get your freak on, son. Is that what you like? Choke me. Choke me and yell at me. Do it. Girls at comedy clubs. How many times do you see that where there's a girl with a dude that dude's kind of weak yeah and the girl's super mouthy and really

really like shouty and heckly and the reason why is because she's just not getting enough attention from this guy and she's decided to just zoom a bunch on her he's not really working it it's not working it's not there's no connection there. She picked him because he was easy, and then she's out with him. She's not impressed. She just wants a little. That's what certain people are attracted to.

She wants someone to boss her around. He wants someone to boss him around. Yeah, isn't that funny? Yeah, they just found themselves. Yeah, they just find themselves. And it's always the man that gets crushed in those relationships, because eventually she finds some dude

who's going to fuck her correctly and shut her up. And then she calms down. Because that's really all she needed all along. There's girls like that, right? There's girls that you have to fuck them hard or you're going to be in arguments. Yeah. I think I've met one or two.

Most of the time it's the opposite. I used to date a girl who used to say that she would get argumentative. She would start looking for fights if she didn't think that a guy was attracted to her. You've got to fuck him so hard they press charges. No, she wasn't like that. She was talking about how she has this weird instinct

and she doesn't know what it is, but when she feels like a guy's not attracted to her or a guy's not impressed with her, she would literally start picking on the guy and not like him. Really? Yeah. Like a fucking animal?

Yep, exactly. Turning on me? And like looking to have arguments with him about things. Like over nothing. Just because he wasn't attracted to her. Because he's not showing the proper amount of attraction respect. You know, like some dudes are so stumble over themselves. Well, good golly, can I get you something?

Can I get you a drink? And when a guy's not like that, when a guy's like nonchalant and treats her as an equal or talks to her as if she was a man instead of a beautiful woman, with all this, whoa, I can't believe I'm talking to you.

With all that gone, she said she would get upset at guys like that. I was like, wow, that's crazy. She would get upset. She wasn't getting what she wanted. What's that sound? My laptop, I think. she would get upset she wasn't getting what she wanted what's that sound do you do my uh laptop I think

what is your laptop doing dying that doesn't sound good dude yeah your hard drive is getting jacked son so uh

it's over here is it this yeah it's my laptop it's a fan sounds like it no this doesn't have a hard drive like that. It's a fan. Sounds like it. No, this doesn't have a hard drive like that. It's got a solid state hard drive.

It's coming from over there. Wow, that was a fucking awesomely entertaining 30 seconds of what's that noise? Da-da-da-da. That no one else could hear. That's one thing I'm addicted to, by the way, is what we were talking about earlier. What? Pot. Yeah.

Super. Addicted? Yeah, it's just like, you know, you get way into things is it an everyday thing oh yeah yeah do you take days off ever and and wish you had it wish i had it yeah what do you mean do you take days off sometimes yeah but not much no i won't smell like every day i don't smoke way more than once a day oh yeah oh yeah that's joey yeah he's like triple style jelly or something wow well i gotta say this man you've been really happy yeah like over the last couple of months maybe it's increased pot is that what it is no because the same people were saying the increased pot was making me depressed

so yeah i think you know look you're you live the life of a comic. It's a silly life. It's not a bad life for smoking pot all the time. Yeah. Well, I didn't win. I came in seventh in a poker tournament yesterday. 289 people, seventh. And I was high the entire time. That's incredible.

Every time we had a break, every two hours, I'd run to my car, smoke, and try to make myself cough as hard as I could so I could, like, Ah, that's hilarious. Smoke a bunch more. Cough and get off. How many hits are you taking when you went out there? Probably like four or five every single time. Do you eat a lot of bananas?

No, but then I also don't eat much when I play cards. So I get this super want to eat. Seems like a great idea. To what? To not eat while you're trying to think and be at your best. No, honestly, you can't eat because that's the same thing with pool players. It slows down your thinking.

It does? Yeah, it slows down my thinking. I will eat a granola bar every couple of hours maybe if I need to, some smaller banana. When you're involved in a heavy thinking thing, your body starts breaking down the food. A poker pro said that online once, and I listened to it. I was like, so say what it is. Well, when you have food in your stomach, your body uses resources to digest that food,

and that's resources that it could put towards thinking. I mean, it's really simple. It's like how much energy is going towards each individual task. Like I always talk about the isolation tank. Well, the reason why the isolation tank is so powerful is your mind uses zero resources on your body, zero. And you just have so much more to be able to talk about anything. I think about even after you eat, you start getting cold because blood goes away from your skin to help digest. And then it's like you shiver. You'll be good on your own for a second. Yeah. Have you ever made the mistake of eating and then

working out too quickly? What happens? It's the worst, especially in jiu-jitsu. Like you're rowing, you're sparring, and you want to throw up. You have to take a shit. It's a terrible feeling. And it's in your stomach. I'm like, really? I thought I ate three hours ago. I thought that was my time. You've got to have an empty stomach when you train. It's very important. Tony Anagoni is this professional pool player who's a friend of mine. They wrote a book about him called Playing Off the Rail, where David McCumber, um guy who is this uh really really great journalist and he's a great

writer he followed tony anagoni all over the country while they gambled playing pool it's a great book like like a real like a real hustler story about a guy who's a real professional player who just decided to just show what it's like to try to play people all across the country and it's documented by a really great writer but uh he would uh when he would do long matches he would eat nothing eat nothing and just drink water yeah i drink water or gatorade yeah eat nothing and drink water and i'm wondering too it's like if you're going to eat something if you're not going to go all the way and say i'm not going to eat for 12 hours you know if you're going to eat something there are certain types of food that will make you drowsier and certain type of food that won't so i want to find out what

those types are. Yeah. Like if it's like nuts better than like chips. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. There's got to be some stuff that's good for your mind. There's got to be some stuff that's really light, light food like dried fruits or something like that. Yeah, I tried just eating a salad. They had this salad.

So I was like, let me try that. Yeah, that's not a bad move. But I think I don't really have any idea what does it. So I think I got to go online and look. I've had salads and then worked out and been okay. It's not nearly as uncomfortable as I've had meat, eating steak, and then try to work out. Sometimes you eat so much that you just want to go to sleep. Sometimes.

You're like, oh, that was good eating. Depends what you ate. I mean, I had a nice piece of meat last night, and I felt like I could just run a marathon after eating that. You trying to tell us you sucked a cock? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. You had a nice piece of meat.

I got 50% off steak at the grocery store. Yeah, 1980s and so. I had a nice piece of meat. It's really, really, really, really sweet. What kind of meat was it? New York strip. Did you cook it yourself? Uh-huh.

Don't you feel like a fucking man when you cook a steak over a fire? Oh, I love it. Something about it, right? It's primal. Yeah, it's caveman. Dude, I don't even like i love it something about it right it's primal yeah it's caveman dude i only i don't even like gas you can just turn it right on huh it's yours gas can you just turn oh it's great yeah but it doesn't taste as good i used to do it that way too i just i gave away my propane tank to ricky schroeder my propane it's all about your marination son no you know what it's all about i'll tell you what it's all about dude

this is all about it's all about lump charcoal where it's actual wood. It's not like those briquettes that have chemicals and shit in it. You want the lump charcoal, so it's actually just wood that's been burnt. And then you use very little lighter fluid, if any. Just use newspaper. You stuff it in one of those chimneys that they have. Yeah, the shoots. David Taylor has one of those.

And you pour all the coal in there, and then you light the fire underneath it. Dude. It lights the whole thing up so fast. And then salt and pepper on your steak. Get that motherfucker hot as shit. White, hot coals. You sear it on one side two and a half minutes. Flip that bitch.

We're talking two-inch steaks. Then once you pull it off after six minutes, you slap it on the upper tray. Close the lid. Open the top so some air gets in. We're talking about 350 400 degrees you leave it in there for another maybe five six minutes and then eat that shit son no nigga no it's all about the chemicals get that shit flavor smoke juice listen yo i'll eat that shit crisp with that a1 i'm all about that a1. They actually have this shit called smoke,

like juice or something like that. It's just like the taste of smoke. I found it in my cupboard the other day, so I decided to put it on some grilled chicken that I had cooked. How great was it? Obviously, I poured too much. I didn't read the instructions.

I thought it was just like Tabasco or something. You're not supposed to do a little drop or something like that. I swear to God, it was the worst tasting thing in the world. Don't ever, ever smoke. It will haunt you. It's like doing mushrooms for your first time. It opens up this gate in your head.

And for the rest of your life, you're always going to know what that tastes. You're always going to know what's possible. Smoke. Like it's sort of tastes like food, but not. Yes. Oh,

I, um, I've been thinking about smoking some meat doing some uh like with with actual hardwood and stuff like that i talked to this dude about it who does it on the uh the other ground on the mixed martial arts forums dude named sammy claus he's uh yeah that's his that's his his name on the forum and he's always got like these killer pictures of like barbecue he's always like grilling things and barbecuing. And he's always got these killer pictures of barbecue. He's always grilling things and barbecuing things.

And he's got this big, crazy, one of those Texas smokers where it's a big iron lid. And there's a firebox on the side. And you throw wood into the box. And the smoke from the wood is what actually cooks the meat that's next door to the firebox. It's really interesting. It takes hours and hours and hours. Seems like a lot of fun. I'm going to try something like that, man. Have you ever been to a pig roast where they just chop the meat that's next door to the firebox. It's really interesting. It takes hours and hours and hours. Seems like a lot of fun. I'm going to try something like that, man.

Have you ever been to a pig roast where they just chop the pig up? No, I haven't. Really? Damn, I wanted to go in Hawaii this time, but I wanted to see if they have a luau that had that, but we couldn't find one. You had a pig roasting over barbecue? Yeah.

I did one of those. The thing about luau is you've got to hang out with a bunch of other people. I got into it when I did it. I was like, fuck it. This is cheese dickish as shit. Like, come on. You're going to make these? I'm like, I'm sure I'm going to make a little hokey lau.

Is the pig alive at all during the hokey lau? No. I thought maybe they choke it or something. Oh, dude. The best thing I got from that Luau, by the way, is I was in lines with my ex. I was in line. We were throwing spears at these big um uh big haystacks right and this black guy was in front of me and he was about to throw the spear and i just turned

to my ex and i was like hey um and she goes do you want me to take a picture of the black guy and i was like i need you to please and i still have that picture i don't it's amazing she got a perfect mid throw she knew me well enough to be like ari but she knew also it's amazing she got a perfect mid throw she knew me well enough to be like Ari but she knew also even though I don't support this in any way fine I know you find this funny

alright yeah if you're a black dude throwing a spear is a real risky move yeah you're doing a lot of things you know it's like spear chucker

that's like one of the top 10 chicken watermelon grape juice it's amazing the watermelon thing is amazing watermelon is fucking delicious. That somehow or another there could be any sort of a negative connotation put towards watermelon.

When I worked at Arlington National Cemetery, they grew in the back once. They grew a watermelon. And this was in the fucking shack laying down pipe. It was mostly black people. You said laying pipe. And they picked this watermelon. They put it down for everybody. And they devoured it.

The black people jumped in there. I'm assuming like Piranha 3D was. It was just, they were just all over. You're like, oh my God. I didn't have any. That was my first experience with black people on watermelon. So they ate it all and you couldn't get in there? Oh, they were devouring it. And I understand it's not a bad generalization.

Right. You love watermelon. It's delicious food. It's great. But you had a real experience with one. That's like a Sasquization. Right. You love watermelon. It's delicious food. It's great. But you had a real experience with one. That's like a Sasquatch sighting. Yeah. Like you actually there in the shit.

The Latino guy got a piece, a small piece. Black people got everything. And the other white guy. Was there just not enough watermelon to go around? Was that the real problem? I think there was. I think they took doubles. They took doubles?

I think they just went in there. They were just like, I'm just eating watermelon. So there was a bunch of people in line to get this watermelon. It wasn't really a line. They sliced it open. I was like, hey, watermelon here. And then they just went to town on it. Wow.

But there was not enough watermelon for everybody. I think there would have been. In an orderly birthday party fashion, they would have just cut the slices and left. No, no. It was pretty bad. Well, it sounds like they didn't give a fuck if nobody else got the watermelon. They just kept it. It wasn't like a major big deal.

It was more interesting to watch. You're still talking about years later, son. And I still will. I'm here from now. Did you feel inadequate? No, but this one time, this black guy did this thing where he goes, Hey, Ari, what does this look like to you? And he picked up his shirt, and he had the top of his dick pointing out over the top of his pants.

And I was like, what the? But I was also like, God, how does it what did it taste like tasted like uh i couldn't come up with anything i should have come up with an answer there did you did you feel concerned that this guy's dick was poking out no the only thing i was concerned was like my dick would not reach the top of my pants let alone have all of your head go above the pant line and he wasn't like scooting it down at all and he wanted you to know yeah it was like a joke i get it but it was like wow that's bigger than i've seen you know i was 16 yeah when a really dark black dude like you know it was purplish like so could you or uh-huh you know when a guy like that just pulls out his

dick makes you look at it it's uncomfortable Czech Congo pulled out his dick imagine if you were in the bathroom and Czech Congo went in the stall right next to you and he's peeing and as you're about to leave he goes hey look at this and just makes you look at it yeah you'd want to turn away but you wouldn't feel comfortable turning away

you'd have to know you'd look out of the corner of your eye not straight on but like this yeah he would own you forever you wouldn't feel comfortable fully turning away. You'd have to know. You'd look out of the corner of your eye. You'd look not straight on, but like this. Yeah, he would own you forever. You wouldn't even have to blow him. He'd see you in the hallway the next time and just nod.

You'd be uncomfortable around him. Every time you're around him, you'd be like, okay, how long do I have to hang around here to make it look like I'm not uncomfortable? So he didn't punk me and I'd leave because of him. It's like, yeah.

Brian, you got this Tonetta song back. You love it, huh? I love it. He's got a bunch of interesting songs, man. What I like about him is what I like about that other band that you told me about today. What's that band? Oh, yeah.

God damn it. Caught me off guard. Die Ant Word. Yeah. And they're from Southern Africa where they made District 9, the same guy from the same part of the country or whatever. And they're really interesting. You got to see the video.

But here's like... What I like about it, though, is the same thing I like about this Tonetta. This is all from the internet. This is all... I don't know who's behind these guys. Do you get any of your news from anywhere else besides the internet? I don't. You don't, really? No. Wow. Do you? No.

Yeah, no. I don't know. I mean, I don't know. No, just read it on the internet. You can't differentiate anymore because when I read news stories on the internet, it's like WashingtonPost.com or New I don't know. No, just read it on the internet. You can't differentiate anymore because when I read news stories on the internet, it's like WashingtonPost.com or NewYorkTimes.com. So it's like, what would I be reading to get my information from?

I don't know. It's a weird thing, though. But then nobody has Monopoly on you anymore because you can go to WashingtonPost.com, but that's not the only thing you're reading. Before, you could decide between the sports page and the front page. But with this, you just go to Washington Post and you go between the sports page and the front page, but with this,

you just go to the Washington Post and you go to fucking Alex Jones and see what he has to say, then you go to the next thing. No one has a pull on you. There's so much information out there. This is this crazy fucking band. These are South African rappers. This guy's beatboxing and his DJ has progeria.

That disease that makes you age really. Is his name DJ Progeria? No, that disease that makes you age? Really? Surely, yeah. Is his name DJ Progeria? No. That would have been a good name, though. Listen to this, though. Interesting.

Is it all for it? There's some beatboxing to it, but it just sounds like it's got a weird flow and that South African accent. I don't think playing this, the Fleshlight people would agree with this at all. Why? I just don't think it's, uh... The Fleshlight people? Yeah, I don't think it's their market. Why would they? I don't think it's a... There's flashlight people? Yeah, I don't think it's their mode. I don't think they would...

This is just so you can see what they look like. These are filthily germs. That's not a good one to show. What's that ninja song? The other one's better. Let's see what they look like. He's a freak. Real weird looking dude with a bunch of strange shit tattooed on his body.

Does he have a... Richie Rich? Tattoo to his body? Richie Rich. I don't know, does he? Yeah. That's hilarious. Maybe that's like a clutch thing to have

if you live in South Africa. It's pretty cool. That guy looks like a Nazi. God, he looks scary as shit. He doesn't look as scary as the other one. Look at the DJ. He has that disease where he grows and he's like an old man. Yeah, he's 24.

Do you remember? I was just talking about that. It was like 40 seconds ago. I was like, what are you talking about? Brian goes into a zone when he's setting up tech equipment and doesn't even hear what we're talking about. Yeah, because I'm thinking about it. That's what I a zone when he's setting up tech equipment he doesn't even hear what we're talking about yeah because i'm thinking about that that's what i do when you guys start talking about tech equipment i just like zone out and start looking around this

whatever restaurant we're in the dj sings with him in this song like you can see the dj like moving in the background yeah well the you know like while he's like jamming to the song the dj jams the song and it's like wow this kid how long do they does he have I don't know I mean how long do you do you have period when you have progeria

yeah maybe I mean is that definitely his DJ that's not just someone that they had for that video yeah no that's DJ so here he is so he goes out

and he's doing all this and he's dancing around and as he's doing it then the DJ oh ah that's a girl don't forget our ears are attached to your mouth right now.

That looks like an alien. Yeah, it's a trip, man. It's a trip when the human body is just... Wow. Just wired all completely fucked up. That just looks like an alien. Yeah. That doesn't look like...

Why are you judging? It looks like an alien. It's very strange. I think a lot of people probably think you look like a jew how dare you that's a new monster movie the jews versus the aliens yeah just get him a sandwich get him some get him some chips. What is the official... Wow. What is the official... What is... How...

Jesus people say... What's the reason for that? What? Someone having progeria. Or retarded people. What was God doing? Let's kill this, Brian. You know, well...

That's a good question. It's just fucking... It's just dumb. Well, what do they say in... you were like a seriously religious young man. Yeah. What does the Jewish faith say about someone who has some sort of a disease like this? Why would God do this to them? God, I don't.

What do they say? I don't know what they would say. They must have some sort of explanation. You know what, I never really, I never really, I don't remember anything like this. Really? Any sort of anything like this really any sort of question like this but i mean they have a thing where the more you suffer here the more you'll be rewarded in the afterlife oh they do they say that but then it's like nah it's crap because a lot of some of his rabbis like of the elders were like super awesome businessmen oh really had tons of

cash most of them were broke but some of them had so it's like what are they going to hell you're saying right because they were better no i think he's like, what, are they going to hell, you're saying? Right. Because they were better. No, I think he's like, no, he just, you make that your own, but live like I want you to, I guess. The Jewish faith and the Italian faith have a lot of guilt. Yeah. Italian faith, listen to me. The Italian, you know, Catholic faith, you know, what I grew up with. Jewish culture.

Thank you very much, culture. Very, very similar. A lot of guilt. A lot of guilt. A lot of you must work hard and a lot of guilt. And's culture. It's culture. Thank you very much. Culture. Very, very similar. A lot of guilt. A lot of guilt. A lot of you must work hard and a lot of guilt. And a lot of family, too. They're both similar, too. But it's interesting that the whole guilt thing, you know.

Just make you feel bad. I'm glad I don't shit. For doing stuff that everyone does. I got a mild religion compared to what you guys probably grew up with. I think, yeah. I think part of it is being on the East Coast, too. Yeah. I really do.

The East Coast is filled with savages. Way more forward thinking people out here. Yeah. West Coast, yeah. I think part of it is being on the East Coast, too. I really do. The East Coast is filled with savages. Way more forward-thinking people out here. Yeah. West Coast, everywhere. All to count to Canada. Yeah, it really is. My theory is really a good theory. The theory that I joke around about when I talk about it,

that all these psycho immigrants moved to the East Coast, and they literally took crazy chances. They couldn't watch the fucking travel channel or research it on the Internet. They had to talk to someone who told them that they could get land in America. So they got on a boat and it took like a month to get over here by a fucking boat with their family and their children

and shit and came over here. They're crazy scrappers. These are crazy wild people who are just willing to take a nutty chance and move to another fucking continent to further their cause. And when you get people like that they have this sort of a fucking angry, you know, aggressive, you know, get shit done energy that you don't get on the West Coast. You know, it takes the people that move to the West Coast are people that didn't like that whole vibe on the East Coast

and kept moving, you know, and eventually they established. And a lot of it has to do with the weather. The weather out here is so nice all the time that no one has to be hard. You don't have to be like you have to be in Michigan. You don't have to be like you have to be in Boston. That's so important too, man. That is just so important. Nice weather?

Yeah. I think about it every time I leave L.A. I'm like, wow, I'm glad to get back to our temperature, which is like 75. It's always the same. It makes the climate becomes a non-issue for the most part right it really does just takes away the weather except for possible earthquakes and you know tsunamis are always possible too if there's an earthquake off fire fuck exploding towns exploding town yeah i mean look there are issues i haven't lived with any of those things yeah there are issues though shit can happen right yeah but other than that

you don't have to deal with than that you don't have to deal with any ice you don't have to deal with any snow more chlamydia though what there's a lot more STDs are you sure

oh yeah there's a lot more AA meetings you can find though dirt and queefs I don't even know if that's true dude I think chlamydia and STDs have made it

clear across the country they've caught on yeah I think the whole world caught on everybody's got the internet so chlamydia's everywhere son yeah but there's so many

more outbreaks out there. MySpace spread it everywhere. Once MySpace really kicked in. I wonder if it's bigger in New York or LA. Chlamydia? Yeah. I bet they all have

their own diseases. People are all on top of each other going out more. I think they're fucking more in New York. Really? Yeah. You think they fuck more

in New York than in LA? I think LA, they fuck more for results. What do you mean? Try to get things done. Oh, yeah. Moving the career along. Although I've never really

seen anyone do that. I've seen people get stuff after they've been around with me. I've seen so many people do that. I've seen so many people do that. So many producer dudes. When I first moved to Hollywood, my first show that I was ever on, there was a producer dude, and he was banging the girl who was like, she had a small part in the show, and then he was slinging the meat to her.

And I was like, wow, this is so cliche. Just the way they were behaving around each other was so cliche. It was so obvious. She's fucking him to try to get ahead, and he's older than her and not really quite good-looking enough to get her, but he's a player. He's missing his ears. He's confident now because he's been getting tough so often. When I first moved to California, this show that I was on called Hardball was the perfect example of what is possible in Hollywood.

Actors who would freak out and throw their scripts down and storm off the set. The producers of the show, the original guys, were really funny guys. This guy Kevin Curran and Jeff Martin. And they wrote for Married with Children. And they wrote for The Simpsons. And they were really funny guys. This guy, Kevin Curran and Jeff Martin, and they wrote for Married with Children, and they wrote for The Simpsons. And they were really funny guys. But they were writers, you know, and the network didn't think that these guys were

strong enough personalities to run a show. So they brought in this other dude. And this other dude had worked on, like, Coach and a bunch of, like, really canned, fucking kaboom-plunk factory-produced shows. And this guy was horrible. He was so bad.

The lines that he would come up with completely rewrote everything to his own taste on his yacht, by the way, where the girl who was playing the part would go visit him and she was hanging out with him and they would talk about it the next day. I had such a good time. Thank you very much.

The whole thing was so, so completely ridiculous. It was like so Hollywood. One of the lines was, this is how bad it got. I played a baseball player. I played like this guy who was like this baseball player that was always getting in trouble. Yeah. And there's a desk in the dude's office, the dude who's the owner of the team. And I'm banging his chick on his desk.

And he opens the door and he goes, excuse me? That's my desk you're preparing to defile and at which point in time say i'm not defiling the desk i'm defiling her that's the actual line while you're fucking that's the actual line i i looked at that line and i just i just opened my mouth and i'm like okay these guys are just they snuck in somehow and some writer was like that's a witty line. And you're like, yeah, I guess, on paper, maybe. Not even on paper. No one would ever do that.

But back then, it was also like, I like breakdancing. No, no, it wasn't that bad. It was 1994. That was a sure sign of zero talent. Whoever wrote that had tricked his way through. How did they get through? How did no one ever read that? Because these guys develop like cronies.

They have like pals. This is one of the reasons why there's so many bad writers in hollywood i mean there's a lot of great writers don't get me wrong but there's a lot of guys that are writing just like really horrible mediocre shit and they're still around forever and they just get into this sort of a group where they start getting used and you know maybe they don't write good but maybe they have ideas that come out good in writer meetings when they're all sitting around trying to think things up sometimes guys they're not good at putting the concept together but they're good at like getting a ball rolling you know and it's that's a real function in a creative room but some of them are just fucking they're just in there from their cronies they're they're

fucking cunts and this guy was the perfect example of it was like it was shocking it was one of the reasons why i wanted to go back if i hadn't't got an apartment out here and already got a lease, I would have went back to New York. Really? I would have been like, fuck this. I was totally done with the whole acting thing. What? What show was Bill Burr on? Town Ones.

So you lived out here for a little while and then went back to New York? I think I went half season or a season. Yeah. Maybe a season and a half. As soon as I got canceled, I was like, fuck it, I'm going back to the clubs. Really? Yeah. It's hard, man.

When you're a comic and you're used to doing your own thing and saying your own thing and you've got a good following like Bill Burr has, then it's hard to find the right people

with the right voice unless you're going to write every episode. Everybody loves Raymond. I knew Ray from way back in the days before he was ever doing any acting at all.

Way before everybody loves Raymond. I worked with him at Jimmy's Comedy Alley in Queens in 1992, a long, long, long time ago. But when he first got that show, dude, he was manic. I mean, he was obsessed. We went out to Jerry's Deli, me, him, and Kevin James, and he had just gotten the show, and this is all he could talk about.

You know, like, maybe the guy comes in and he just. That's what I'm thinking about it and writing scenes and stuff. Yeah. Did that sound more like Ernie? Hi, dude. Too much like Ernie. I'm Kermit the Frog. Kermit the Frog.

Yeah. Come over here, Joe. Hey, guys. Ray Romano here. Ray Romano. I'm going to hear you lose it a little bit. I can get it if I listen to it. If I listen to him, I can get it if I listen to him if I listen to him I can get it

but anyway Ray would just be like I went out to lunch with him the guy was just breaking down scenes while he was eating lunch he just couldn't stop to him it was like hey here's this incredible big shot I'm not going to blow this I'm writing everything he was going to make sure everything was great

he became obsessed with it and wrote everything but he did it the right way he threw himself into it if you're not going to make sure everything was great. He became obsessed with it and wrote everything. But he did it the right way. He threw himself into it. If you're not going to do that, man, it's fucking hard. It's hard to get someone to write your own shit. Look at Louis C.K. with his first show. It's hard. It's hard to put it together.

His first show, I wrote a pilot for his other one. The one before it didn't get picked up for NBC or some regular network. There were pieces of his stand-up in there. But you could just see three or four hands trying to rewrite stuff. It just looked fractured. I actually liked both Lucky Louie and the new one. I haven't seen the new one,

and I only saw one episode of Lucky Louie, but I'm a huge fan of him as a comedian. Just a huge fan of him that he's just out there doing all these different things that are getting more people to pay attention to his comedy. We've got to get him on the podcast. He's probably busy, man. He's busy as fuck if we drug him up though get him drunk he doesn't even do that stuff well he drinks every now and then rants about get him some

killing he likes killings how do you know i don't know the fuck you talking about of course that guy gets drunk god damn he's single yeah probably drinks yeah unless you're a monk or some fucking yoga weirdo yeah you know it's like you gotta if you it's like

if you work at a nightclub a whole bunch of chips for your whole life you know you can't take them to the grave with you you gotta cash some of them in and health chips

you know you gotta throw some booze at those health chips every now and then fuck it shit right

you know I used to give plasma to get weed i would sell plasma every twice a week sometimes you can't believe and now i look back i'm like what what what is plasma was that really bad for me to do do you ever stop and think about it why would you yeah why would you huh why would you sell blood who would you sell blood to because i was in college and it was cheap and there was like you sell your? Who would you sell blood to? Because I was in college and it was cheap. You'd sell your own blood? Yeah, my own plasma. Shut up, idiot.

No, you'd sell plasma and get money. How much, $15? It was on a college campus and they would do it. It was like 50 bucks or something like that. How much meth is in those bags of blood? I know, that's what I'm saying. If you could do it on a college campus, how many fucking Adderall laces? Is it illegal? Can you give away blood if you're jacked on Adderall?

I don't know. I'm sure they test you and everything. Do they test you? Oh, yeah. For how many different things? I don't know. Olympic style? Remember the questions?

Have you had butt sex in the last two years? Yeah, they ask all these questions. Have you had butt sex? I don't think they put it that way. I was helping fire a fix. Have you had anal sex? Something like that. Something like legitimately just pretty much asking you if you're gay

and they're like, we don't need your blood. That's when HIV was going crazy. Wow. When everyone was worried. They would have to make kids fill that out. Like you're 15. Even if you had butt sex. Whatever. Yeah, man. When you're getting blood

from people, who knows what the fuck those people are doing before they're giving you that blood. Who knows what new diseases are out there they haven't detected yet. Before AIDS was around, nobody knew there was going to be an AIDS. Can you imagine if you could go back in time to the 60s, when people

just fucked raw dogs everywhere? Nobody worried about anything. But then you had ticks. We weren't good at fighting ticks back then, so you'd have to use a matched stick. Remember when people used to tell you, blow out a matched stick and then get on the tic? I think it was Al Capone who died of syphilis. So there was still venereal diseases.

Syphilis turns into cancer. Does it turn to cancer? It's amazing. How many things can fuck you up from sex? All the different crazy diseases that are transmitted through sex that aren't transmitted through handshakes. They only affect a certain part of your body. Touch some herpes at the back of your hand, you're fine. Yeah, it's weird, right?

Well, you get mad herpes from jujitsu. Yeah, eye herpes. You can get herpes in your eye. Dude, I heard about a dude who, listen to this, he dropped his contact lens on a mat and picked it up and put it back in his eye. Come on. And got a staph infection in his eye and wind up dying. Oh my god. Yeah.

That's crazy. Because it went systemic really fast? It went systemic and it was through his eye and went right into his brain and that's a wrap son. Wow. Yeah. Did you see, what's her name, that female wrestler or the girl that had the sex tape? I like how you flexed when you said that. China? China? did you see what's her name that female wrestler or the girl that had the sex tape flexed when you said that the girl china china did you see that like thing and she said it was a spider bite but it was like a it looked like to me it looked like a uh fucking ringworm

or staph infection it was so bad this huge thing well you know she might be shooting up you know who knows who knows what that is? It could be a staph infection, though. A lot of times people think... She said it was like a spider bite or something. Well, people think that staph infections are spider bites until someone tells them. That's what I said. Yeah, I already did that.

It looks like it, man. Do they still have a picture of staph in that gym at all? No. I really... Just put a picture on the door. Yeah, not only that. If you see anything that looks like this, stop and consult a doctor immediately. It's Steph.

Who's that? China. That's her hole? Yeah, that's her hole. And what is she saying that is again? Like a spider bite? It could be a spider bite. There's a spider called a brown recluse that does that.

She's saying it's a spider bite, but when I first saw it, I was like, dude, that looks like Steph. That's her wrist, huh? No. No, it's her leg. That's a leg? I believe. Yeah. It's down there. Then here's her upskirts. She's got nice feet. She's got nice pussy boners.

What? I love her pussy boner. I'd like to put a little hat on her. Dress it up. Would you hit that brian no no no i don't like girls that that uh have a guy kind of muscle tone too like if they have a long wide enough shoulders i'm out i'm like all right but what if like that's clearly not your type but like what if um i need a little you're on the road somewhere and you're drunk and you're sort of horny and like you had one girl you thought was

gonna work out and then it didn't i'm turned off by it so like to me i'm like i i'd rather so she's like hey you want to hang out for a while you would say no let's not like if she had like the muscle if she looked like that oh no no you would say no i just want to sleep dude okay masturbation fleshlight that's what a fleshlight's for you take it on the road with you? no I don't need to you take it on the road with you? no that's a commitment no

I don't need to beat off that bad you just get used to sandals unless I was going away I love how that's the line you draw some random draw not outside of my home listen fellow

when I go on the road it's for work not for pleasure no I fuck pillows on the road because that's it's not your pillow you don't have to worry about it do you fuck pillows?

I do at at least. So chances are we've stayed in so many hotels over and over again. I might have slept on one of the pillows that you fucked. How do you fuck the pillow? You just hump it. You know? It sucks. No, I don't know.

And it's silky and soft. But there's nothing it goes into. Huh? No, you don't have to. It just rubs against it, the outside of it. You kind of shave off a layer of skin. Like you're four? Huh?

Like when you were four years old and just figuring it out? Yeah, totally. Not four, 14? Just kidding, dude. I don't fucking do that. I didn't start beating off until I was about 15. I beat off early.

Really? So early that nothing came out and then one day stuff started coming out. Yeah. Like three or four years into it and I really thought I broke it. Wow.

Because I didn't know what it was and it was just like doing it. So you thought when you came that you broke it? Well, before you just came and you just had orgasm and then that was it. You just broke your pants and go. And yeah was just like doing it. So you thought when you came that you broke it? Well, before you just came and you just had orgasm and then that was it. You just broke your pants and go.

And yeah, all this fluid started coming out. And it wasn't like a gooey like it is now. It was just completely milky. Like it was real loose, watery. You remember the orgasm you used to have when you were like 15 or 16? They were great. My girlfriend when I was 16 blew me. She blew me. This was seriously one of the first times i ever had an orgasm ever yeah it was in her mouth and i was 14 and my fucking ears rang

like it was i came so hard my ears rang it was crazy wow like my my whole body like all your dna is like this is what you want to do. You want to breed. I've never been able to come that hard ever again. Wow. The hardest I ever came once was... My ears rang. Don't have sex for what? 15 years.

Is that what you have to do? Yeah. Must pay, right? Save it up. Imagine that cum. You have zero control too. That'd be yellow cum. Yeah.

I mean, she might have put it in her mouth for about 15 seconds. And that's all you needed. Not even 15 seconds. I did once behind the North Hill Service desk in college. It was like a sort of one of the desks that was only open from like noon to 6 p.m. But it was kind of secluded. No one could come up behind you. They could just come in through the front door.

So I keep doing it, like lean up right against the table and start doing it. And somebody would come up. I had to stop. Like, how are you? Whatever. And then I would just unzip it on a button. You know, that's all. And then they'd come up, so I had to stop like how are you whatever and then i would just i just just unzip it on button you know that's all so i could just and then they'd come up so i had to stop again and it took like 35 40 minutes all in all what it did i was just like i lost control of my body it's like

for like a while i've been chasing that dragon ever since man i don't want to get that shit back that's hilarious when i first fucked really high, that was sort of the same thing. We're like, oh my God. Yeah, people who don't know. People who don't smoke pot don't even know how good sex can feel. If you've never fucked high, you have to fuck high. It's like an amusement park ride. Do it with someone you trust or something.

Just both of you can say, we're not potheads. We're both going to get high and do this together. Yeah, you'll enjoy the sex so much more. Really, everything feels better. Every touch is magnified. I have a friend that stops smoking pot except right before he has sex. Wow.

I'm like, what if the girl doesn't do it? He goes, I don't care. I just say, I gotta get high real quick. Yeah, you'd be crazy not to. It makes you more passionate, too. Oh, it's awesome. Get lost. Yeah, but then if she starts crying,

you start freaking out more than you normally would. Your girls are always crying. I think you need to stop doing something. There's something you're doing that's making them all cry. Brian lubes himself

with the tears. That's how I finger my butthole with your tears. What is it about chicks crying on you, man? How many have cried on you? I've never had one cry.

I did cry. You've never had one cry on you? No, I don't think so. My first cry. I should cry when I'm doing it because it's beautiful. They all clean these woods on you man how many how many have cried i've never had one cry you've never had one cry on you i don't think so my first cry should cry when i do it because it's beautiful i think maybe cry once because i accidentally fucked her in the ass oh you know what i mean like where you're like fucking it slips out and just gets right in the ass bro wait a minute right in yeah do you really can it go right in? I've never. I've always. I think I probably was like, took it out, put it, like, put it in, pushed it in. And you shoved it right in there. Right, right.

It's probably something like that. Did she have a giant butthole? I don't remember who it was. I just remember that happening. I remember who it was. I remember that story. But that's another tale for another time. Yeah.

Doo, doo, doo. What was I going to say? What were we talking about before you were talking about dicks accidentally going into buttholes? Oh, man, I don't know. God, we're still all high. Do you know that in some states, it's like legitimately not legal

just to go smoke pot, just to go buy a pot and smoke it. It's like a problem. Yeah, it's illegal. It's really sort of weird, though. Oh, it's very weird. to go buy pot and smoke it. It's like a problem. Yeah, it's illegal. It's really sort of weird, though. Oh, it's very weird. I've become super used to it. Well, you live in California.

In California, it is legal. You have a medical issue. What is your medical issue? Sleeplessness. Oh, there you go. This time. The reason why you get high all day. Yeah.

I said I had knee surgery. Oh, and you did. There you go. It's true. R. Sh, I said I had knee surgery. Oh. That was another thing. And you did. There you go. It's true. Yeah. R. Shafir was out there in the trenches. Had to get some meniscus repair, yo. And he said, let me see the wound.

But it was arthroscopic, so the wound was super small. Yeah. And I forgot which leg it was because they did a good job. Right. So I was like, oh. And then when he's like, where is it? I don't see it. And I was like, looking for it.

I was like, maybe I got the wrong leg. And I was like, oh, there it is. There it is. He saw it. He's like, OK. But he looked at it And I was like, oh, there it is. There it is. He saw it. He's like, okay. He looked at it. Yeah. He called me on my shit.

My right knee, where they did it with a cadaver graft, that was when they replaced my ACL. You can't see shit. There's no scars anywhere. Wow. There's a little tiny scar right there. Your leg is haunted. You're only scarred by sexiness. There's a dead man in there.

There's a dead person. Basically, the dead person just provides a framework and then your body sort of fills it in right with it's own actual tissue just put it wherever you want wouldn't it be crazy

if it came with like a birth certificate though kind of like a cabbage patch kid and you get to like a little there was a horror movie do you remember that

my hand or something like somebody got a hand at some fucking murderer yeah he escaped like he didn't get killed so the guy wanted his hand back so he hunted this guy. This one-armed murderer

was hunting this guy. At some point, he had his hand in a handcuff. Two cars going opposite ways. He was just going to fucking yank him out. He wanted to steal his hand back. What movie was this? I don't remember, but I remember it being a movie that I saw previews for.

I never saw the movie. Wow. There have been some movies with some fucking preposterous plots. I want my hand back. How about the John Travolta one with, what the fuck is his name, Face Off? When he was an angel? Oh, yeah. I like that movie. That was good. See, that was a good action movie.

I like that movie. When I saw Expendables, I was like, why can't you just be as good as that? But is it good today? If you watched Face Off today. I'm going to watch it again. But you know what? John Woo directed it. He directs great action scenes. Right.

So that's a plus. Yeah, but the premise was so broad. The premise is dumb. And they had Margaret Cho and Eddie Izzard in it. Both of them annoy you? Yeah, suspect. I was like, wait, what are they doing in this small role in this movie? It took me out of it.

Did it really? I was aware of who they were. Just because you're a comic. No, I wasn't one out of it. Did it really? I was aware of who they were. Just because you're a comic. No, I wasn't one. Oh. Well, you knew. I was aware of who they were. I was like,

this seems like they're going to. Yeah, those should have been anonymous roles or way bigger roles. Hmm. Interesting. And I'm not even sure Margaret Cho was,

I might have just lumped her in with him. She might not have been in the movie. I saw her the other day. She's in Death Through the Stars. She's so fucking hilarious. She's on Dancing with the Stars?

Yeah. This season? Yes. She is awesome. My advice to you is when the commercial comes on, to avert your eyes. When you see coming, dancing with us, just look away. Why?

It's gross. She's gross? Yes. Really? As a body type. You can like her all you want. I do. I like her a lot.

But you cannot pretend when you see this. That is not horrible. She's funny. She's crazy. I ran into her with my family in Boulder when I was living in Boulder. And she's like, Yanny Pot. And I'm like, this is just like California. You can get it out here.

She's cool, though. She's very friendly. She's a very nice person. She wants a sexuality. And at some point becomes like, ew. Well, you know what, man? What would we do if you were her? Let her rock it.

Let her rock it how she likes to rock it. Makes me feel unpleasant. Meanwhile, you're whipping your dick out at the comedy store. On stage. Think that's savory to her? She walks in looking for some jokes and you're getting your limp dick sucked by some fucking freak. Yeah, we'll bring you on next, Margie. What was the name of the porn star? Lane.

Lacey Lane. Lacey Lane? L-A-C-I-R-Y-L-A-Y-N-E. Yeah, and she said, when they were introducing her, she was completely naked. Wow. Completely naked on stage.

Yeah, she was already just fully naked on stage. And then she goes, I've been in over 37 porn films. I was like, wow, that's a lot. And she goes, it's not really that much. 37 is not that much. Whatever the number was, she goes, that's not it. It she goes, it's not really that much. 37 is not that much. Whatever the number was, she goes, that's not it.

It's nothing. It's nothing to let you know that you could be her boyfriend. Maybe she wants you to make you her boyfriend. I think she was trying to be modest about her career. Really? Yeah. Where someone was like, this guy's been in, he's played clubs and colleges everywhere. You want me to say that?

It's like, no, that doesn't, nobody cares about that. Right. But just like, but I mean, whatever. I think it was that. That's what I got the sense from her. She was like, I mean, whatever. I think it was that. That's what I got the sense from her. She was like, I'm getting there. I haven't built my name yet.

Would you have made her your girl? I asked Belladonna about her and she didn't know who she was. Would you be able to date a porn star like that out there in the business? Casually date them, yeah. Casually?

Uh-huh. Would you watch their movies? Maybe. Yeah, I probably would. Really? Yeah. Like, say if you were on the road and she was back in L.A., would you, like, go on YouPorn and pick up one of her clips and beat off to it?

Think about her getting fucked right in the butt. I'd probably go with someone else. I do. I like how you're taunting me as if you're, like, making fun of my girlfriend. I'm like, I don't have a girlfriend. Why are you, like, mocking me? You do, Brian? Yeah.

Do you? You do what Brian? Yeah. Do you? You do what? Yeah. I masturbate to my girl. Yeah, that girl? Yeah. Nice. I never looked at a picture of her.

Well, you never looked at a picture of her masturbation purposes? No. Or at all. That's very respectful. You shouldn't do that. I don't know. It was Brian's girl. It's not nice.

She wouldn't do anything for me after that. She would, but not like that much. Although I have met some porn stars before I've seen any other porn become like friendly with them and then at some point like i want to beat off like i'll come across one of them like yeah wow yeah let's do this it feels extra naughty yeah no not yeah just hotter hotter yeah you know dana de armand you know her right she made this tweet yesterday she said my face is covered with cum and slap marks that was one of her tweets i was like wow that's great wow that's pretty intense you know she gets fucked hard huh oh yeah oh yeah a lot of them yeah there's one of them she puts in work son do you think anybody

would be this type of porn because there's so many different types. Black guys fucking white girls gently. Yeah, for sure. There's a market out there. Like super calm. Maybe it's for girls. Making love videos. Training wheels for getting really fucking... That's kind of what is on Cinemax.

Yeah, but the black dudes are never like really soft and sensual. Come on, baby. Come over here. Yeah, soft and sensual black guy porn. Maybe that's what it is. Yeah. Soft and sensual black guys and lovely white girls have never had a black experience.

Or an Asian girl. Instead of going, just going. Would you like some white men? There's got to be a probably. There should be a porn where it's like girls just getting broken into the black experience. There must be, right? Yeah, there has to be. But they're like be a porn where it's like girls just getting broken into the black experience. There must be, right? Yeah, there has to be.

But they're like abusing them. Oh. Oh, really? Yeah. It's like, this is your first black man. No, I'm shoving it in. Blessing the Steel is so fucking massive. Yeah, that guy's got a ridiculous dick.

That shit's ridiculous. How much money do you think you can make for? I think he's got like a name guy. Yeah. Name guys make some cash. There's a few guys. It's got to be a few hundred grand a year you think so yeah tyler knight um said that the money just dropped

substantially because of all the free point sites yeah yeah he's you know tyler is uh he was on the podcast talking about his blogs and his blogs have kind of turned into him writing a novel and like he's got a publisher now and everything and he's he's really a fucking talented writer but You know he was like sort of forced into it because of the fact that the porn industry evaporated in front of his eyes He's not like a big-name act But he's you know, I don't know he's sort of a name. I think I think I love my music too. Yeah Where are they gonna sell it now? They're gonna sell like tons people buy really like still like tons of people buy. Really? It's like dried up, but it's like drive to the point of like,

if you produce and market your own DVD, it's like you could sell so much. Right. That's why Chuck Taylors still get made. Because most people will not buy them. Right. But there's a few people who will, and they're like,

well, we'll just exploit that market too. Yeah, I always wonder when I hear about like some big porn thing that they're doing, you know, and some big porn tape is going to be released. How are they going to make money from that? It's all parodies now. People want to buy a ha-ha DVD for somebody. It's kind of like...

Oh, okay. Right now it's turning into parodies. Most of it's just webcam business. They've been doing parodies for a long time though, right? But that is funny that it could be like a ha-ha gift. Yeah. Porn as a gift. Here.

I know you want to beat off. Here's an excuse. The Cosby hose. I give you license to beat off. I will know that you are beating off to this. The Cosby one was funny because of,

what's his face? Comic. Jesus Christ. What is his name? Thomas Ward. Thomas Ward. Who is an incredible Bill Cosby impression

great and all of a sudden he was in a Cosby porno he wasn't fucking I've known that dude forever he's one of those dudes that I thought was gonna really hit as a comedian he's got charisma he's funny he's gonna get better

this kid's gonna be good he had a certain amount of attitude he was pretty badass but it never really worked out he was close to the other level that sketch group was pretty good I'm like, this kid's going to be good. He had a certain amount of attitude. Yeah. He was pretty badass, but it never really worked out. No. It was close to the other level. That sketch group was pretty good. Yeah, they were good, right?

Uh-huh. They had some good shit. It's an interesting ride, isn't it, being in Hollywood? You've been here a while now. Yeah. Seeing guys in the business, seeing how it really awards persistence and focus. Some guys, yeah. Well, no, really, that's not true. You don't think so?

No, I think it's pretty random both ways. It takes more time, but the same amount of people drop off late. A lot of guys hit early. Yeah, but the guys who stick around, a lot of it is their persistence. That's what's getting rewarded, their persistence and their work, their hard work and their effort. It's like you see the difference between those guys and the guys that kind of half-ass things yeah like louis anderson yeah there's always guys a job there's there's always guys that sort of half-ass it i wouldn't say louis anderson though why would

you say louis anderson remember his manager came into the store once and uh he was like do you mind coming in i was louis anderson show me his card or whatever yeah and uh i was like is he coming in tonight he goes no he's on the family his card or whatever. Yeah. And I was like, is he coming in tonight? He goes, no, he's on the Family Feud. I'm like, oh, he can still do spots. He goes, you don't know Louis Anderson. He does one thing. Really? Yeah.

And that's like an easy job. So he's like not doing stand-up when he's doing that. Something like that. He's so big. You know, when you're that overweight, it's got to be hard just to get around. You know, you don't have a lot of energy to do more than one thing. Why would he want to do stand-up too? What I'm saying is though

someone who doesn't like work really hard yeah well I wasn't talking about a guy like that he's pretty successful what I was talking about is guys that you see

when you start out together in Hollywood and you know there's some dudes that just don't put in the effort they just slack off too much don't focus enough I mean how many guys

have you seen come along the way that you were sure were going to be really huge for whatever reason they just stopped doing it. Some of them just keep doing it, but they just stop developing. It's not even a question of work ethic. It's just like, oh, you're just not getting better.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what it is. Everyone's jokes are getting better, and yours aren't. Yeah, that's a weird thing, right? They're new jokes. They're just not. Yeah, I think some people top out.

Some people just start. It's not like they're not tackling tough subjects or honestness. It's just like, man. Like, sometimes you've got to find the place to be honest. It just doesn't come. They're working just as hard. Nah, I don't know if they are because they're not thinking about themselves objectively. That's the difference.

The difference is everybody talks about working hard, but are you working effectively? I mean, what is it about your sense of humor that's not translating to all these people in the crowd? There's got to be something. Maybe you're just not funny. You maybe need to look at yourself and how you're looking at things

and maybe your thinking is distorted. Yeah. You know, and that's very often the case. That's what I think a lot of it is. It's just,

you know, you could say that they're working just as hard but they're not really. It's like, you know, I'm trying to push

this truck up the hill by doing it the wrong way. I'm trying to go sideways and I'm pretty sure it's going to make it go straight. You know, they just don't know what the fuck they're doing. It's like they and I'm pretty sure it's going to make it go straight. They just don't know what the fuck they're doing.

It's like they are working hard. No one knows what the fuck they're doing. Yeah, but... Everyone's just guessing at it. That's the weird thing. Yeah, but you learn slowly along the way.

Yeah. I learn a little bit faster than you. Whoa, what are you trying to say? Brian does stand up every now and then. He's thinking about making a motherfucking comeback. This week I'm ready to do a stand up.

Where are you going to go? Mostly Ha Ha Cafe and then try out a couple other places. Really? Are you looking forward to this? Are you nervous? No. Are you thinking about truly embarking on a stand-up journey again? Because you always think about doing it and you think it's going to take too much time.

I do everything in seasons. Everything when it comes to doing a lot of videos or doing like stand-up or doing songs or drawing a lot it seems like it comes in a season or video games even i just want to play video games all the time for like a month and then you stop doing i stop and i want it's weird i have seasons of creativity well i think i've talked about stand-up is so hard and so interesting that i think it helps everything else you do anyway it'll help your videos it'll help it'll make you'll have more experiences. It'll make it interesting.

I say don't bother. Boo. Yeah, whatever. I really think, I got this thought the other day that he does such great videos. That's his mode of expression. So if you have stuff

you want to get off your chest, that's your way of expressing it. Well, that's the only thing you know that I do. I also paint. I've painted for 10 years. You write poetry. Paintings I do.

Bunch of crap. That's just the only thing you're focusing on. That's the only thing I know about. I didn painted for 10 years. You write poetry. I do. Bunch of crap. That's just the only thing you're focusing on. That's the only thing I know about. I didn't know about the painting at all. I couldn't focus on the painting. Why don't you just stop thinking about what you hear and just get to know the real Brian. His comedy is good, though. Brian, another baby thing?

Brian knows how to write jokes. I wrote one the other day, though. I don't know if it's only... I don't know if the majority of the audience is going to get it. Okay, let's try it out right here. Have you guys heard the iPod, the iPhone is killing the CD?

I don't buy it, because have you ever tried to break up cocaine on iTunes? I think that's funny. Get it though? Instead of an album off an iPhone. Yeah, off a CD tray, right? I've never even done coke and I understand that joke.

Have you guys ever noticed? It's how you start out a bit. Have you guys ever noticed? Sometimes it's just you have to get the ball rolling. It's just a way to be comfortable. Have you guys ever noticed? Sometimes it's just you have to get the ball rolling. That's just a way to be comfortable. Things like when you say something like that, like, how's everybody doing tonight? Like, come on, really? Are you asking a question?

What are you doing? You're just getting the ball rolling. That's what he's doing there. My other one, though, so my girl, we've been dating for a long time, and it's getting kind of boring in the relationship. And so the other day she goes, do you want breakfast in bed? And I'm like, yeah, I love breakfast in bed. It kind of surprised me.

So she bent over, cupped her hand, farted in her hand, and blew it in my face and says, there's your eggs, bitch. I know this one. You've already done this one to me before. I knew it halfway into it. And you knew I knew it, and you had to keep going. I already heard the first one, too. You already heard the first one? Yeah. When did you hear the first one? A year ago, whenever you into it. Wow. And you knew I knew it, and you had to keep going. I already heard the first one, too. You already heard the first one? Yeah.

When did you hear the first one? A year ago, whenever you told it to me. Oh. Brian, I thought these were your new jokes. No, I'll give you some new jokes. That's why I was like, I tuned out. I didn't realize. I'll give you some new jokes.

There's people right now on iTunes, the haters right now, the Red Band haters that are going crazy like, no, why is this guy ruining the fucking podcast with his shitty jokes? Here's one I wrote in two seconds. Farting on an old woman is one of the very few times that the reaction isn't in disgust, but concern that they made poopies. Wow. Oh, Brian.

That's way too long. Just stop it. These are just notes. These are just notes. Shut your mouth. I want to hear the Kanye West video before we get out of here. Okay.

Kanye West. It's not the judge song video before we get out of here. Okay. The Kanye West. It's not the judge song. It's the first time you hear him. Oh, no. It's not. It's something that's badass right away. I don't know. It's on the radio.

It just gets in your head. It gets played over and over again. It starts to catch on. That CeeLo Green song. Ew, that Forget You one, man. I heard the other day. That was awful. We need to play that, too.

Why don't you load up Forget You? That'll be the next move. You don't want to do the Kanye one? Yeah, let's hear the Kanye one first. Kanye, B-M-A. Did you see this chick get hit in the face with a watermelon? Look at this video. Oh, nice!

Damn! This chick is, I think it's on The Amazing Race. She does a slingshot with a watermelon, and the watermelon stays in the slingshot. It comes back and hits her in the face right here. When it gets slow motion, it makes it awesome. She got knocked out, too. I'm pretty sure she got a concussion. It looks like she got fucking...

It blew up in her face. That thing is going so fast. There's no arc to it. She got stomped. Gersh. Driven into the turf. turf yeah that's not good that's probably fucking serious brain damage right there i mean think about what her kind of impact her skull took here that is like she got vanderlei silva she got crow copped

reality shows so dangerous it's amazing that reality shows aren't killing people left and right there's so many times when we're on fear factor where i was like fuck this is gonna be it this is gonna be the one this ain't good this ain't good and we get through it hurt yeah and we got through it i was like there's some shit that happened the bullfighting one was the one that i was absolutely sure someone was gonna die they had these bulls we went to this place that was like a it was a bull riding training place that's where we're going to do this uh this stunt and we had already gotten going i think it was in our second season everybody was real comfortable and saying we got this we got a hit show in the air this is terrific yeah so here we got and then everybody was agreeing to if nbc agreed to it

everybody sort of considered that it was safe so all all of a sudden, there's this bullfighting thing. And you know how I am with animals. So we're there. And I go, hey. I go, I'm concerned here. I go, what if someone gets stomped? What if someone gets kicked? This is a monster. Yeah.

I'm like, are you guys really going to do this? And they're like, well, these are training bulls. They're training bulls. They're not that aggressive. I'm like, these fucking bulls don't know they're training bulls they don't speak english they have no idea they're bulls why did you become such an alarmist me yeah i think i was a little kid really yeah saw too much violence too much violence at a young age like whatever the story comes up you all it's just a weird thing it's it's it's not good or bad it's just like you always be like what could

possibly happen yeah go up to 10 when there there's animals, animals, or danger, or when I don't think people are paying attention, hey, what the fuck? What's this? When you were a kid, though, was it like Laffy Taff? Like, I am not laughing,

and this is the taffy. What the fuck are you talking about? Never mind. No, I wasn't alarmist when I was a kid, though. Yeah, I was always assuming that nobody was paying attention that the fucking Sasquatch was coming,

and the Wolfman was right next door. You had to watch for it. Nobody knew, and I was the one in the movie was right next door. You had to watch for it. Nobody knew. And I was the one in the movie that heard it first. Got to warn the town. You're like, guys, I'm... Right. You were the Paul Revere.

Well, when I was really young, my dad beat the shit out of my mother in front of me when I was like five years old. And from that moment, I think I have always been quick to look out for craziness and danger. Like, wait, where the fuck is it? What's going on here? That guy might be nuts. It's like the fact that my dad did it to my mom, that it was so impossible. It beat the shit out of her for nothing.

And right in front of me. And she was crying, and he's yelling at her when she's on the ground. I mean, it was rough. Really? Yeah, and I was five. Like Jackson Browne style? Ooh, like fucking, this is what it was she she got hamburger i've told this story before but it's it's a fascinating story she got hamburger at the supermarket and apparently you know he didn't

want hamburger for dinner and uh she asked or he asked what you know what'd you get she goes hamburger and he just open hand just pounds her in the face well I mean, it was like a punch. It was like an open hand punch. Just clipped her in the face. And she slammed against the wall and slammed to the ground. I was like, whoa. Like, he is beating the shit out of her. And she's screaming and crying.

And he's standing over her, screaming at her. And I'm like, wow. Because she got hamburger? Yeah, my dad was nuts. She deserved it. Wow. That's not even funny. I'm just kidding. Yeah, we dad was nuts. She deserved it. Wow. That's not even funny. I'm just kidding.

Yeah, we know. We know you're kidding, Brian. Why would your instincts even tell you to pull the trigger on that one? That's silly. But anyway, it was from that moment on, I think I've been, the dude is like, you know, let's just fucking keep an eye on for everybody. You know, we might be around some nutty people here. This fucking animal might come out and eat you.

This could happen here. That could happen there. Since then, okay. So I saw that bull in my nature automatically, these fucking 90-pound girls. I'm going to ride this bull. This bull's like thousands of pounds. It's this giant muscled fucking beast

that's locked in this cage and hates it, and people are fucking with him and touching him, and as soon as that door opens, he can't wait to run out and kick this person off of his back. And every one we did, they just barely missed getting crushed. Everyone. Really? They almost got stomped on.

This chick almost, she weighed like 90 pounds, she got shook off the back of this bull, and the foot just went like this, right by her face. Right by her face. Right by her face. What if it hits her in the eye? If the foot crushed her face, if that hoof was six inches to the left or to the right, it would have crushed her fucking head. He would have

kicked her in the face and shattered everything. She would have this giant mass of broken bone and inflated tissue and cuts all over her face. It would have been horrible. It scared have been horrible. It scared the shit out of me. That was the one where I looked at that and I was like, this is a real roll of the dice here, man.

This is dangerous. That's craziness. Everybody almost got stomped. Everybody almost got gored. How did they say it was okay? They just said it was okay. The stunt guys told the fucking network that they knew what they were doing

and they said, don't worry about it. People do them every day, and the amount of danger that it actually causes is very small. What the fuck are you talking about? Those are bulls. Those are bulls with their full balls and their dick, and they don't want you riding them, stupid. They're trying to get some cow pussy, and you're out there cock-blocking, sticking a fucking rope around them,

trying to ride them. Get the fuck off me, bitch. So they get crazy. That was the only time I was worried people were going to die. The end. What about Kanye West? God damn it. This fucking phone.

How about Kanye West? Oh. Here. Call from AT&T. Oh. Yeah. Call from AT&T. AT&T. Stop cock blocking AT&T.

Don't you know I'm running a podcast here, son? Ladies and gentlemen, sorry for the lack of enthusiasm and or energy towards the end

of this podcast. It has petered out a bit. We're going to end strong, though. We're going to end strong with this Kanye West song. It's not an ending strong kind of song. What are you talking about, man?

This is powerful. If this is the right video. I hope he wears a polo shirt. This can't be the right video. Does he still do that? Wacky colors. Pretend like he's, yeah. He walks around with a briefcase.

Who was that dude that used to stand behind him with a bow tie? I don't know. It was Professor X. Puff Daddy? Right. Professor X? No. Brothers and sisters.

Who was Professor X? He was in Public Enemy. Yeah, but like, who was he to them? He was the one they had to get rid of. No, Professor Griff they had to get rid of, right?

Why? Because he was saying all kinds of crazy shit. White people gotta die. And they're like, ooh, guy, no, we're selling records to white people.

Yeah, Professor Griff. Police, that's as far as we can go. Whatever they're like, ooh, guy, no, we're selling records to white people. Yeah, Professor Griff. Police, that's as far as we can go. Whatever his name was, something, Prime Minister

Griff, Professor Griff, I don't remember what his actual name was, but he was, like, public enemy

was not radical enough. He wanted to take it to the next level. Let's take this name. So this way

they can squash their beef. Yeah, put a camera on this. Let me see what this looks like. How's that look? Put a camera on it, Brian.

I have to look out the mirror. We'll point it at the thing. I can't see the screen. There. This is the worst technology ever For viewing a video I already hate it Jesus Walks is a good song

Sounds like the music from Bed Bath & Beyond. What is this look at you, look at you? This is awful. Oh, it gets better. What? I don't like the most. So I think it's time for us to have a toast. Let's have a toast for the douchebags. Let's have a toast for the assholes. Let's have a toast for the scumbags.

Every one of them that I know. Let's have a toast for the jerkos. That'll never take work off. Baby, I got a plan Run away fast as you can I think the message here is that Just be an asshole No, the media paints these people as assholes

But really, nothing they've done is wrong They're just regular people I'm not sure if that's the message You're a jerk off because you go to work every day Hold on, let's listen to him talk And I just blame everything on you if that's the message. Your jerk office go to work every day? Hold on, let's listen to him talk. What a contrived performance. Just the way he's moving around and dancing. Remember he was on Leno trying to cry?

Yeah. That was hilarious. Remember he was a gay fish. This is a terrible song. Yep. The message here... I don't get it. He's saying, I'm sorry, or it's like, I didn't really do anything.

You misinformed. Like, you misinformed about me. There's a bunch of different things in this. He's also saying that it's a good distraction for people to pay attention to other people doing things fucked up. It's all... It's just whack. It's all fecetry. So, like, we need him

to be hit. Yeah. This is a guy who's lost touch. This is awful. Stop it. You stop it. Stop it, Brian.

I can't take it. I can't take it. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get violent. Gosh. Whew. That was atrocious. You're telling me

there's not more talented people out there than that? That's ridiculous. You know, to respond to any sort of a bad situation like that with that song, you did something fucked up, man. You've got to come up with something strong.

Your comeback's got to be strong. Or how about just say, no, that was a year ago. Let's just move on. I spent an apology so long ago. If you want to do something about it, if that was the whole premise for getting them on, they both write a song about the instance. It seems to be that that was an agreement. They both had do something about it, if that was the whole premise for getting them on, they both write a song about the instance. It seems to be that that was an agreement, right? They both had a song about it.

You've got to knock that shit out of the park, dude. Don't even bother. Who cares? Get over it. I think if everyone was over it after like a month. I know. People just stop caring. But I'm sure he heard about it in his world all the time.

Dude, he must have got crushed from that. Can you imagine? I bet every interview she did, they asked her about it to the point where it was like, alright. That shit crushed his soul. He might be done. Might be over. What do you think? Instead, he got a standing ovation after that. The only one of the night.

Jesus Christ, I hate everyone. I'll tell you what, though. Kanye is not bad when he has other people. He does shit on other people's songs. I don't know enough about his music but i know that gold digger song was awesome dude that one song jesus walks fucking love that one song here i'll tell you right here uh american boy american boy yeah that was a great song finder you want to hear it yeah okay i mean american boy it might be gay and i might just not

remember what's wrong with you boy You sure I liked him in that song This is his last chance For romance right here It's one of the songs You're gonna bet your money on this It's one of the songs You'll know what I mean You've heard it many times

Yeah I'm so out of touch You'd be amazed I used to live in the woods Remember Oh yeah Did you set that fire The house did not burn down

The house where I lived Did not burn down But hundreds of houses Near it did Oh there's that There's that Estelle joint Right I like how you said joint The house did not burn down. The house where I lived did not burn down, but hundreds of houses near it did. Oh, this is that Estelle joint. Right. I like how you said joint like you're fucking Spike Lee.

Oh, that's your song. Oh, yeah. Tell them put the money in my hand right now Got a promoter, we need more seats We just sold out all the floor seats Take me on a trip I'd like to go someday Take me to New York, I'd love to see LA I really want to come pick it with you You'll be my American boy This is a great jam. He said, hey sister, it's really really nice to meet ya I like the hook though, the most. This is a great jam. I like the hook, though, the most.

I like this, too. I like the song. I like her voice. I'm gonna marry her. This podcast is literally I don't like his baggy jeans, but I like what's underneath them. What a dirty bitch. Baggy jeans? What? She like what's underneath them. What a dirty bitch. Baggy jeans?

What? She likes what's underneath them. Oh, that's what she's saying. I'd like to get that dick, son. My pants is like cotton underwears. It's a great song, though. I love it. Some hot British chick, Ari Shafir, meets when he's in London doing a gig. Oh.

That's right. She's black with an English accent, ready to throw down, son. She likes you. She wants to kiss you. There, ready to throw down, son. She likes you. She wants to kiss you. There's no one like you, Olive. This is you, man. This is your song, Ari Shafir. You're the American boy.

There's always the rumors that if you go to Australia, they'll just have sex with your pure accent. Really? Yeah, they love Americans over there, man. That's what Eddie F. tells me. Really? Yeah. He's over there.

He lives over there half the year. He's huge over there. Sells out everywhere. Over here, he gets no respect. You know? That Arj Barker dude's giant over in Australia.

Australia's a paradise. Well, listen. That other Kanye West song sucked, but that one was pretty fucking awesome. If there's anything we learned in this life,

it's to end on a positive. Well, he's a fucking egomaniacal douchebag, okay? That's a familiar song where you don't know how it's going to be received yet, though. No, that's ridiculous. That song is ridiculous. If he just listened to it, he should be like, what the fuck am I doing? What is this?

This is ridiculous. It's terrible. It was just an ego-stroking nonsense. Look at me. I'm a tortured genius. Fucking sappy hunk of shit. He's like a stealth artist. But he's capable of doing a lot of great stuff.

fucking sappy hunk of shit. He's like a stealth fighter. But he's capable of doing a lot of great stuff, but the thing is, dudes get like, they have this thing inside them, and they want to somehow or another get it out. They want to express themselves. They want to express their brilliance.

And then once they do express their brilliance, and then people receive it as brilliance, then their fucking head blows up, and they get crazy. They're like, see, I was brilliant! And they completely lose touch of what made them brilliant in the first place. This frantic drive for love

and attention gets sabotaged by too much love and attention. Because that love and attention comes unconditionally. The fans love them no matter what. The fans are tripping over them. So they start thinking they really are the shit. And they start thinking they really are important. They lose their humility. And when you lose your humility,

you lose your creativity. And everything you start to produce sucks. It must be hard. Everybody's telling you everything's great, too. Word, son! Dropping the knowledge at 7.26 p.m. That's the end of this podcast, ladies and gentlemen. It has to end some way.

It's always good to end on a strong note. Thank you to the Fleshlight for sponsoring us. If you have not fucked it, you do not know what you're missing. Feels way better than beating off, and I know you're going to do that. Ari Shafir, I have one here for you. I'm not taking it. It's right beside me. You have that extra vaporizer?

I have that as well, but you can't take it unless you take the Fleshlight. It's a package deal. Take it and give it to me. Don't keep it to Brian. Why do you need two flashlights? Why would that be the thing you need? I ruined my other one. Well, we're going to meet Chris from the flashlight.

Joey Diaz and I are going to take a tour of the factory. Video to follow. Video to follow. We're going to go straight iPhone video. High def with a flash. And we'll upload that shit on YouTube. Let's not end with this gay song, man. You're hurting me.

Hit me with something good to fade out to. All right. Thank you for tuning in, everybody. Thanks. We will see you next week. I'm in Austin, Texas, Tuesday night, which is tomorrow night, but it's all sold out. Too bad you snoozed, bitches. But I'll be back in November.

Do one show or two? Just one show. Just me and Joey Diaz. But I'll be back in November for three days. So a lot of shows. Five shows. Oh, shit. Here we go.

What do you got me? Sugar pie honey buns? Sugar pie honey buns. Because you're my sugar pies, guys. Fan page. And fade to black, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for tuning in. Love you.

See you next week. Oh. Were you delightfully surprised? Yeah I like this It's a nice mashup Hold on Keep it on for a second here

I love this dirty bitch I hope she doesn't die I'm going to England I want to party with her I want to get fucking hammered With anyone in my house You don't want to party with her Yes I do

It's not just hammered Dude I got fucking Massive willpower I won't do anything stupid I think I could I want to party with her. Yes, I do. It's not just hammered. Dude, I got fucking massive willpower. I won't do anything stupid. I think I could gain something from hanging out with her. Watching her devolve. Yeah. I think she's a real artist.

I mean, she's a nut and a fucking banana head. She's crazy. She's a real fucking artist. That bitch makes some good songs. She tunes into it. I don't know how she does it. I don't know makes some good songs She tunes into it I don't know how she does it I don't know what she's doing to tune into it Whether it's heroin or

You know the heroin's just a symptom of some other problems It might be ruining her But it might have made her who she is in the first place You know It's that the ability to just let everything go And not give a fuck And just tune into whatever the fuck it is you're trying to make Not everybody can do that man There's a reason why everybody locked on to that

chick they know that she's she's exuding songs good this is something real she's doing it you know it's right what are you doing what'd? I was just fixing to do another song. What the fuck, Brian? Why'd you do that? We were just talking about the song. Okay. Okay, stop. That's it.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is... I'm going to give him a stern tongue lashing after this. You didn't even pay attention to what we were saying, were you? I was just going to show you some more Party Ben songs. Fuck Party Ben. We were grooving about Amy Winehouse. You know, listen to what we're saying, boy. I heard you.

Disrespect. I'll tell you what. If Amy Winehouse was a man he wouldn't have done that you think he's a homer towards man yes you got hatred all right here we go if i did it i would see it give me something good to end this with on a positive note you fuck no not this that's not positive that's gangsta rap we're not ending our lives. We got some Bob Marley in there? We're just ending the podcast. You got some Bob Marley in there? Bob Marley sucks. No, I don't. You don't?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? To me, it's annoying. Oh, you guys are gay as fuck. Both of you. I just finally woke up to it. I loved it for so long. I was like, I don't care anymore. It had its run. You really? You just said that about Bob Marley. Yep.

Ari Shafir has no sacred cows. He has talked shit on Bill Hicks. He's talked shit on Bob Marley now. I'll just give you my opinion. He does not give a fuck. He steps in and tells you. He had a great run. He played for 40 years, those songs. Congratulations.

Could You Be Loved still gets me, bro. What is this? Electric Feel by MGMT. This better not be gay, bro. Oh, he's gonna think it's gay. I guarantee you're gonna think it's gay. I don't know.

I like this song. I like it too. Wait for it. What is the band again? MGMT. MGMT. The song's called? MGMT. MGMT. What's the song called? Management.

Management. The song is called what? Oh. Oh. And fade. and fade It sounds like Prince fucked Hall and Oates. They're the same ones that did this song. Want me to show you the next song? No.

Okay. No, I don't. Don't want you to show me the next song. I love this moment that people get into is trying to somehow... Indoctrinate people in their music? Yeah, somehow brag about your music like it's better or try to convince people that it's good. But it's like, you like what you like, and you don't what you don't.

Can't convince someone to like... Was I doing that? Let me show you this next song. It's not a bad thing. Everyone does it. It's fine. He knows the band. I know.

He probably knows this song, too. He's heard it before. Is there anything universal? Is there anything that you have to like if you have to like to be in the group? Is there anything where you... Remember when you were in high school? If you didn't like Led Zeppelin, come on, zeppelin come on dude listen how could you not like this

it's like i don't like just don't if you don't you don't isn't it is there anything universal is there anything you have to like you know that the guy has bad taste if he doesn't like it like eddie bravo does not like a lot of old classic rock yeah he doesn't like almond brothers and shit like that he doesn't like listening to that shit god like that. He doesn't like to listen to that shit. God, dude. I don't really know their stuff that much. You don't know Allman Brothers? I don't really play that much, no. If you told me, ask the name of a song, I don't think I could.

You don't know Midnight Rider? You never heard that song? Go on a midnight rider. No. On top of the hay hay. We have to have played that on this podcast before. Have we played Midnight Rider before? I don't know.

Find Midnight Rider by the Allman Brothers. It's one of my all-time favorite get stoned and kick back and listen to songs. Just because it's one of those songs that just,

it captured that period of time of music and there's these wild motherfuckers who just drink in and travel in the country smoking joints

and doing heroin and going on stage and rocking stadiums and just crushing people with good fucking music man and midnight rider is just one of the best one of the ones i don't know how that goes midnight rider is one of the ones where it's just it just it's probably no perfect time capsule of that era let me hear hear that shit, Brian. Give me some volume. So if I don't recognize it. This is the 1970s, dude.

Yeah, I know. I like it. I know, I know. This song's good. This song is a jam. And I've got one more silver dollar But I'm not gonna let them catch me, no I'm gonna let them catch the midnight My Barracuda, I don't have any music in that car that's not from the 70s or the 60s.

Just out of respect. Really? Yeah. Because it's that kind of car from that era? It's that kind of car. It's a muscle car with a big V8 you smell the gasoline

I want to hear some real American rock from when we were alive before everything just turned to shit when people were wild and taking acid and mushrooms

and having fucking love rallies. And the Allman Brothers were rocking it back then. No internet. Fuck you. It sounds so much worse. This sounds so much worse?

No, what you just described, the internet. I like the song, though. The song is brilliant. We're playing it over the internet. I like the song, though. The song is brilliant. We're playing it over the internet. Yeah. It's beautiful. It's survived into the internet.

But I'm saying, these guys got huge. Yeah. Just by people talking about how great it was, getting on the radio. People going to see them live. It's a different world, man. Yeah, it is. It's a pure world, man. No TMZ. They could get, man. It is. It's a pure world, man. No TMZ.

They could get, they'd freak on. Imagine the amount of cocaine in hotel rooms this guy's destroyed. I'm being informed that iTunes gets pissed if you play the whole song. Yeah. Is that true? Why wouldn't they? They sell the songs. Because it's terrible grainy quality. No, it's not. All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, listen. There's no good way to end this now. I'm going to say the Allman Brothers are the shit, especially a few of their songs. Kill it. Kill that music, Brian. Thank you, Ari Shaffir, for coming here, being a part of the podcast. Nice new room, man. Thank you.

You like how it's got it set up here? Yeah. Ari will be back. If you are in San Diego this weekend, Ari is at the La Jolla Comedy Store. Where's that at? 916 Pearl Street. 916 Pearl Street in La Jolla. One of the best clubs in Southern California.

Just an awesome set up. Very similar to the original room in Hollywood at the Comedy Store, which is one of the best rooms ever of all time. So this room is just like that. La Jolla Comedy Store is the shit. And who are you there with? Ren Azizi.

Steve Ren Azizi, who's also hilarious and a Comedy Store veteran. And he's been on a gang of shows. He's from The League right now. The League on FX. He's on that show. Great guy, too. So go down there and check them out. Two shows Friday, two shows Saturday?

Fuck, fuck, yeah, yeah. And can they get tickets online anywhere? Yeah, probably ComedyStore.com. That's probably the best place to do it. What about mail? Regular mail? You can send get tickets online anywhere? Yeah, probably ComedyStore.com. ComedyStore.com. That's probably the best place to do it. What about mail, regular mail? You can send it to 916 Pearl Street, 805. Where are you going?

Self-adjusted envelopes. Cursive. We're going to Texas. We're going to do Cap City Comedy Club on Tuesday night, and then the UFC is in Austin on Wednesday night. Good times are coming, son. Brian Reichel, you can get him, Red Band, at Twitter. And thank you very much for tuning in again.

This time, no false advertising. We are leaving. The show is over. Thanks. Bye. Fleshlight. Fleshlight.com.