The Joe Rogan Experience - #415 - Justin Foster

Episode Date: November 11, 2013

Justin Foster is a stand-up comedian and also hosts his own podcast, called "Foster the Podcast".

The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night All day Justin Foster Comes from Texas He's a comedian That should be your new intro That is, thank you very much

Yeah, fuck credits dude Fuck all that Comedy Central nonsense. Just hand the MC a card with a song on it. Just sing this, bitch. Sing it like your children are in trouble. A minor, or I'm not doing the time. Hit the high notes, too. Don't crackle.

We met Justin when we were doing the Addison improv a couple years ago, right? Three, four years ago? Longer than that. It was like five or six, I think. Was it really? Yeah, it's been a while. God damn time flies, son. but he was very funny then since then he's gone downhill yeah I peaked two years in you were I was it was very fun to see that

Texas especially Dallas and that one club has like a real community yeah we came in the first time we came in like we did a show before the show like ari and someone else was a part of it was joey was a joey yeah yeah and that was um yeah you guys had a showcase night where there was like a gang of like local comics went up right and you went up and um who was the other cat that we were just talking about? John Toll. John Toll went up and there was a few other ones but you had like a real community.

Yeah, Dallas has got a good comedy scene. Yeah, it was cool to know or cool to find out. I didn't know before so it's always nice

to see like, all you need is like one club where there's a couple of funny dudes that get together and then the open mic night kind of kicks ass every week.

People keep coming back. All you have to do, but everybody's so short-sighted. They don't do the open mics anymore because open mics don't make any money. Right. Yeah, that's a problem is nobody really comes in for that because the headliner's coming in that weekend. Yeah, yeah. So, well, it's not even that no one comes in for that.

The clubs, the local clubs, are missing out on an opportunity to raise local talent. It'll save you money. You don't have to pay for their hotel room. They live nearby. And it also will ensure that you always have a good show. And you could start doing these shows

on Tuesdays and Wednesdays where you might be dark, and you could make a lot of money doing that if you just had a real local scene. And that was the cool thing about that club, and they're still like that, but they'll be like, if a headliner only wants to do two shows on Saturday, they'll be like, okay, well, we'll do an 11.30 show,

but we'll give it to all the local guys. Right. Like, nobody really does that anymore. Smart. Yeah. If people get off work, like, say if you get off work at 10.30, and you know that there's an 11.30 show, they're like, fuck them, man, let's go to the improv,

have a couple drinks, it's always a good show, the local guys are always good. Right. You know, there was this time in Boston where there were no visitors that everything was all handled locally It sounds crazy to people today But the only people that played that came in from out of town were like Jerry Seinfeld would do a concert George Carlin would do a concert right but there was very few like Comedians came in and did like a week at the club and it was all supported by local talent and because of that there was very few comedians came in and did a week at the club. And it was all supported by local talent. And because of that, there was this amazing wealth of local talent.

And a place like Dallas is taking that same concept, that Addison improv. And they were just running with it. Is it still like that now? It's gotten better now. Beautiful. Because there's another club. There's two other clubs. And there's bar shows, and there's underground shows. It's a really cool scene now.

So important. Every improv should have an open mic night. Someone should just sit them down and say, listen, this is like you're planting a garden. It might actually cost you money the first year because you've got to buy all your seeds and your machinery. It might be cheaper for you to go out and buy the food and your machinery, and you might not. It might be cheaper for you to go out and buy the food, but don't do it. Right.

Stick with it because if you stick with it, you can have a real comedy scene. And then you build a fan base, and so when you've got a headliner that comes in that's not necessarily going to draw a lot of people, you go, well, I've got two local guys who we've been developing for the last three years. They'll help. Yeah, and they don't need a hotel room,

and they'll do it for nothing. Yeah, and you'll, you'll educate people about comedy in general. More people will be aware of good, of good comedy. Yeah. When a scene develops like that, it's such a cool fucking thing to watch.

Like Denver, there's one Wendy in Denver who owns a comedy works. She did it all on her own. Like essentially she created the, the Denver and cultivated thever comedy scene with those comedy works clubs right she's got two of them there and she's got a whole system as far as like open micers they go from open mic to middle act middle act to headliner and they cultivate these local people and they've been doing it forever yeah and because of that there's all these funny

people like if you go to see a local show on like a monday night or what have you it's a lot of funny comedians yeah and austin's the same way too austin like if you go into the local show on a Monday night or what have you, there's a lot of funny comedians. And Austin's the same way, too. Austin, if you go into Cap City on a Tuesday night, it's always a really good show also. Yeah, and that's a perfect example because Austin is like a real hang, too. Right. Like comics, whenever I'm in town,

I always see comics that are also in town hanging out at the bar. Guys who are working at the Velveeta room will come over or what have you. There's clubs that are like hangs where comics will meet up. Yeah, the improv is good like that. In Addison, there's a club called Hyenas in Dallas

where they have a big bar area. They open mic and say they don't make a lot of money off ticket sales, but now you've got 40 comics hanging out at the bar until 2am. You're going to make money. Yeah, no doubt. Again, it's one of those things where you can't look at it as a

straight, flat business move. You have to look at it as a part of owning a business, a part of owning a comedy club. A critical part is supporting the community. They fuck up with that. These big, giant places, they don't have open mic nights. It happens a lot now, much more so than when I was coming up. When I, giant places, they don't have open mic nights. It happens a lot now,

much more so than when I was coming up. When I was coming up, it seemed like during the 80s, comedy got so big and so crazy that everywhere you looked, there was an open mic night. There were so many of them. They were everywhere. And every club had one, every club. Stitches had one, Knicks had one, all these different clubs in town had one. And it would seem like every time you would go local or you'd go to a road gig, the local comics would have an open mic night as well. It was like everyone always had one. It was a part of having a comedy club. You had an open mic night

and you would ask guys, like, when's your open mic night? Oh, we do Sunday nights. Oh, we do Monday. You know, it was just a standard thing. But then they started creating these big monstrous fucking clubs that seat like Stand Up Live in Phoenix. It's 600 fucking people. San Jose. San Jose Improv.

Palace. Yeah, that ancient improv is the most beautiful old theater. It's an amazing old theater. The San Jose Improv, you ever perform there? No, I haven't done that one. Fuck, that place is amazing. Fuck, it's so... I'm there the 20th.

Are you? Yeah. It's so gorgeous. It's just a beautiful, beautiful old theater. It has a feel to it. When you're walking backstage, this place has been... People have enjoyed things in this place for a long-ass time. But it's huge.

How many does it seat? I don't know, 500, 450? Oh, wow. Yeah, a lot. Yeah, the old Tempe Improv was like 450, right? It was about 450. Yeah. Those places, it's hard to do an open mic night when you've got 450 seats.

When you've got nine people up front and a 450, yeah. It's hard to also have a local headliner, you know, because you've got 450 seats to fill. You don't really take that chance. You go with a, you know, whatever schneider you know whatever you know you go go with someone who has a name yeah maybe over someone who's a local guy who would be maybe even funnier but it's people don't know about they don't know who it is right yeah but in boston they all knew about it everybody knew about lenny clark like i remember when i was telling people that i was trying to be a stand-up they would say oh you know i saw steve sweeney last month you

know like everyone knew the local guys. But Boston is like that with bands, too. Like, Boston supports local bands. Like, anybody that was, like, Boston that was big always came back to Boston, like Aerosmith. And it was celebrated, you know. Yeah, Boston does have a good music, yeah. Yeah, Boston had a great music scene. It still does.

They have a lot of clubs. It's just a smart fucking town. Too bad it's cold as fuck. I would totally live there. If they could move Boston to Texas, I'd move there in a goddamn heartbeat. You would move back to Boston if just the weather was a little bit better? Yeah, I would just live outside of town. I wouldn't live in the city.

The city's too hostile. You get those voices of those women and stuff. I wouldn't live in the city. This city's too hostile Hearing them you'll be at her like Target and you'd hear it. It'll keep my pants zipped up What are you queer There was a girl wouldn't that we've talked about this girl to the end of time. When we were in Boston, she was just drunk and just bleh. In the audience? No, it was after the show. We were trying to get something to eat.

They had this one of those street carts that serve sausage sandwiches and stuff like that. And we were all waiting around. And this chick was just so hammered. She said to me, you think you're all fear factor. That's what started my hate for Boston women right there. What was that movie with Christian Bale where he was like the crackhead and it's like the nine sisters? My friend was having sex with a girl from Boston

and while he was having sex with her, she goes, you're going to tell your friends. That's all he would say. That's all he would be out to dinner. And he would just in the middle of dinner, you cannot tell your friends. It was just so drunk and exhausted

and beaten by life. Haggard. While they were having sex. You cannot tell your friends. The girls that are from Boston that live here in LA know how to hide it very well but then once in a while I just snip out oh yeah I knew it they get drunk and angry right scratching you with their nails this isn't a market this Boston what yeah it's the same yeah something like that

they call this the Boston Mac come Come on. Whoa. Jesus. I went to Boston Market. They have these Coca-Cola machines. Have you seen them where it's like touchscreen and you can be like, I'll have Mellow Yellow. Zero. They make Mellow Yellow Zero. What? Grape Mellow Yellow Zero flavor.

It's 500 flavors. It's like formulas that Coke doesn't want to spend the money to mass market because it's like, I don't think that many people is going to like it, but they have now put it in one machine, so you taste all these flavors that are unreleased. Yeah, I've done that at movie theaters. Movie theaters have those. You can add a bunch of shit in some of the more sophisticated movie theaters. But I just go Diet Coke. Really?

Not even Coke Zero? I don't want to take any chances. What the fuck is anybody doing with Coke Zero to make it all Coke Zero? What's better for you, Coke Zero or Diet? They're both fucking terrible for you, right? I should be just drinking water. You know how the famous thing is that Mexican Cokes use real sugar? Yes.

They're about to change that, and you do it the American formula way. God damn it. Because there's a couple of Mexican joints in L.A. that I go to just because they have those bottle Cokes from Mexico that have real sugar in them. Real cane sugar. We're such cunts. We ruin everything. They're just not fat enough. People aren't fat enough.

They want to add more corn syrup. These Mexicans are just coming out a little too lean. We need to corn syrup them up. They probably made some horrible deal with some corn manufacturer, some giant conglomerate. Right. Yeah. corn manufacturer, some giant conglomerate. Right.

Yeah. Somebody should step up and make a sugar cane sugar soda that's not as bad for you. That's probably not just as bad for you anyway. I just had a Stevia-based cola that I bought at Trader Joe's. What are the – horrible. You know, it tastes like shitty generic Coke. Because, you know, Coke and Pepsi have a flavor. That's why they're famous.

And you get like an RC and you're you're like well this was like generic cola but then like as if it was sitting out opened in the refrigerator for three weeks and then shut back up you know so you're just drinking like flat with stevia it's horrible yeah tab well coke coke coca-cola actually uses cocaine you know that's not is that true i thought that was. You know, that's not a myth. Is that true? I thought that was a real... Is that real? It's not a myth at all. They use the coca leaves. And the actual company that extracts the cocaine from the coca leaves that they use to make

coke, there's no cocaine in Coca-Cola. Right. But there used to be. But the flavor is still the same because of the fact that they used this stuff. What are you showing me, man? This is an old Tab commercial that was based on conspiracy theories for Tab Cool. Really? Tab is after my own heart.

Bigfoot. Hmm, that's a Tab commercial? Yeah. Anyway. Nothing screams soda poplites. Conspiracy theories. Where was I? Boy, I'm thirsty.

What was I talking about? Cocaine. Cocaine. Oh, so the largest medical manufacturer of cocaine is actually connected directly to Coca-Cola. They take their coca leaves. They extract the cocaine out of it. They use it for medical cocaine. And then Coke uses those coca leaves without the cocaine in it for a flavor.

Really? Yeah, and they've done it forever. That's why Coca-Cola is a very unique flavor. If you compare it to Pepsi, Pepsi can suck it. How about that? I just said. Boom. They're not as good. Nope. It's not as good. Coca-Cola was the original one. They have the original

cocaine flavor, and look, there's something to that flavor that's a little bit tangier, a little tastier. There's a little something to it. Pepsi's like a girl who didn't need to get a nose job but got one anyway. Why'd you do that?

That should be a commercial for Coke right there. Please, somebody from the Coca-Cola company. Just a guy going, yo, we used to put Coke in this. Not that I wouldn't drink Pepsi in a heartbeat or Diet Pepsi. I don't avoid it. I just prefer Diet Coke. Sanford, Texas, Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper's much better than both of them.

How about that? How about that? How about root beer's the shit? Yeah. Bottled root beer. Fuck yeah, man. What is that one kind of root beer that you always get at the really nice delis? It's in the old school-y fucking Abbott Brothers bottle.

Barks? Oh, IBC. Yeah, IBC. Yeah, that stuff's the shit. They make a diet root beer that doesn't even make you feel like a pussy. It feels good. The actual one, though, if you can act, you know, I've been gluten-free for a while, but if I really decide to go on a bender, I'm going to go to that Cavaretta's

and get a sausage sub with a fucking real root beer. You just feel it. You feel the whole thing. I wonder what they use. IBC, what do they use? It's I whole thing. I wonder what they use. IBC. What do they use? It's IBC, right? What do they use in there?

What's the ingredient? Watch it be beer. Back in the day, it actually was a beer. Things were a lot funner back in the day. Coke used to have Coke and root beer used to be beer.

Right. And heroin used to be legal. Molly Butter was actually a really good time. Molly Butter? There was no Molly Butter. I can't believe it's not Molly. When did they discover Molly?

I don't know. Isn't Molly just ecstasy? Okay, they have corn syrup and shit. IBC root beer, though delicious, has high fructose corn syrup. So I think they all do, man. I don't think anybody rocks a soda with sugar anymore. What about New York seltzer?

Whatever happened to those guys? That root beer was kind of. What about New York seltzer? Whatever happened to those guys? That root beer was kind of weird. Remember New York seltzer root beer? Yeah, what was that? Dr. Something? Cherry Coke? Yeah. Cherry Cola?

Dr. And he would make a root beer, too? It wasn't Dr. Scholl's because that would be gross. Yeah, Dr. Scholl's Cherry Cola. God. This tastes like fate. I just typed Dr. Cherry Cola. Not Dr. Kohl's Cherry Cola. God. This tastes like feet. I'll just type Dr. Cherry Cola. Not Dr. Pepper.

It was like, you know, it was another deli one. Like if you went to a lot of delis. You get at Boston Market. Boston. That's a terrible. Dr. Schneider's. You guys are awful. You sound like Woody Allen.

Oh, come here. That doesn't sound like Boston at all. No, it's not clearly Canadian. It's Dr. Something. You're just naming shit now. Mr. Thunder. Dr. Beverage. Is it Dr. or Mr.?

I don't know. Mr. Pibb? No. No, that's the Dr. Beverage. There's a Dr. one. Isn't there a Dr. one? I don't know. What the fuck do I know? Mr. Pibb? No. No, that's the Dr. Pepper knockoff. There's a Dr. One. Isn't there a Dr. One? I don't know. What the fuck do I know?

Dr. Pepper. Oh, he keeps pulling me Dr. Pepper. Dr. Soda. Dr. McGillicuddy. Oh, you're making shit up. That's it. That's the one. Dr. McGillicuddy.

You're making shit up now. Well, Austin is one of the few places that has places where people will wait in line for hours and hours and hours. Austin has that one barbecue place. What is it called? Stubbs? No. Franklin's or something like that? What is the new one?

There's a new crazy barbecue place in Austin. I don't know. Ari Shafir just went there. He told me it's worth it. Really? Is it the place that looks like a house but there's like a line going down the street

just away from it yeah it's probably literally somebody's house yeah I fucking love Texas do you miss Texas living out here in LA?

I do I do yeah like I said I fought living here like the first year Franklin Barbecue and now yeah now I enjoy it

Franklin Barbecue Franklin Barbecue this is the spot if you go there pack a lunch get get there early. It'll take you hours. You've got to wait in line. And Ari was like, how could this possibly be worth it?

And then he said he sat down. He was like, oh, my God, it's worth it. Really? How long did he wait? More than an hour. That's not too bad. He was standing outside for an hour like an asshole in the middle of the summer. I think he was there for South by Southwest,

but Anthony Bourdain waited in line too on his TV show. He did the whole deal like everybody else, waited in line for an hour and a half. He didn't want to. He wanted the full experience. That's the experience. The experience is not just eating. If there's a place that always has a line,

the experience is waiting in line. Right. Like I was just in Nashville, and they have some place that on Sunday morning, it's some pancake spot. You fucking can't get in there. There's a giant line that lasts hours. People get there early

and they wait for hours. You get the pancakes. I thought you said, is there a mist? You're like, I can't get in there. It's a giant fog. Why would you think mist? I thought he said mist. He said line. He said there's a line.

Wouldn't you think list would go with line? You know what this restaurant needs? A smoke machine. There's something about mist. Maybe a magic. Maybe it's magic that you can make these people wait in line for a fucking pancake. It's a wizard. Check this place out.

Yeah, that looks so delicious. See, that's what I miss about living out here. Because they always have these Texas barbecue places out here. And you get there and it's never as good. Oh, let me fix you up real quick. Hogley Wogley's in Van Nuys. Hogley Wogley?

Goddamn, dude. It's one of the best barbecue places on the planet Earth and it's here. Fuck yeah. You never been to Dr. Hogley Wogley's?

No. I went there yesterday, son. Really? It's incredible. It's in a very shady neighborhood. I'd go to Compton to get barbecue there today. It is legit as all fuck.

Hogley Wogley's is the bomb diggity dude. You'll eat there. The ribs, the brisket, the fucking everything. Their french fries are legit. It's so good. It's without a doubt the best barbecue in all of Los Angeles. Fact.

It's fucking outstanding. They have like, the bread is sweet. And when you're eating the barbecue, like with the bread, it's like, oh my Christ. They have buckets of sauce they leave on the table. Hot, mild. Oh my God. It's so good. It's so good.

All right. That place is super legit. And the decor hasn't changed since like 1953. But is there mist? Is there mist there? There's a lot of mist. Okay, good. There's mist in your eyes

when you're eating because you're crying because you can't believe how good it is. I drove to Bledsoe's in Compton. They had pretty good barbecue. I know. But yeah.

Bledsoe's in Compton. Yeah, it's always good to have barbecue when there's bars on the ones over the restaurant. Yeah, that sounds... Deliver.

You want them knowing where you live? Yeah, I think that there's some places that you have to go to for the food. Have you done Chicken and Waffles yet at Roscoe's? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did Roscoe's. It's one of those places. That was like the second thing.

You have to go there. And I did Pink's. I stood in line for an hour for a fucking hot dog. That's nonsense. Yeah, that was stupid. Pink's is nonsense. Pink's is a trick. Yeah.

That doesn't make any sense. No. Dr. Brown's. Dr. Brown's. That's what it was. Dr. Brown's soda. Because they have cream soda and the cherry soda, too. Pink's is just a trick. Yeah. That doesn't make any sense. No. Dr. Brown's. Dr. Brown's. That's what it was. Dr. Brown's soda. Because they have cream soda and the cherry soda too. Pinks is just a regular hot dog.

It's just a hot dog. There's not even like a super gourmet butcher shop hot dog where they snap when you bite into them. They're not even that. They're just regular hot dogs. It's that sheep mentality though. When people see a line, they go, oh, I've got to do this. I drove by the other day. There was only like Two people in line

Never saw that before I'm like Two people People are catching on I'm like nah That's how Entourage Did six seasons Right

It's the same thing Or like the shitty club When they make everybody Stand outside Before they open To think that Oh this is a cool And there's nobody inside

It's a smart move Make everybody stand outside And then you let them through And they just run in And they go Hey wait What the fuck It's like when

Six flag opens. Go charge it into this empty hall. There's some spots that are worth traveling to. Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles without a doubt is one. That's another one. If I ever go off the gluten diet, oh boy, I might

fuck up some chicken and waffles. Who would have ever thought that would be an amazing combination, but it's perfect. I recommend Dominic's by the Beverly Center Delmonico's pizza on Fairfax right across the street from another awesome place Cantor's Deli Cantor's Deli best pastrami in all of Los Angeles that's my candy too really you like I mean just looking around who goes there you know you're three in the morning it place is packed with crazies running the comics there all the time.

Seth Rogen was there the other day. I'm always running to people. Last time I was there, I ran into Marin and I've run into Jeff Ross there. I ran into everybody there. It's one of those spots where it's between the comedy store

and the improv. So it's a straight shot to go down there and get it. Animal. Have you been to Animal? It's right next door to that. Somebody was telling me about that place. The place is so good.

You would love it. It's one of those, I think I want to eat bone marrow. I want to Animal? It's right next door to that. Somebody was telling me about that place. The place is so good. You would love it. It's one of those, I think I want to eat bone marrow. I want to eat a pig's butthole. Whatever you want to eat, any part of the animal. Really? Any part of the animal?

It's supposed to be really good though, right? Not everyone. Every part, but it seems like unusual things. Like brains and stuff. Oh, really?

It's Animal in Los Angeles? Yeah, it's right down the street from here. Somebody was actually just telling me about that the other day, yeah. Awesome. Yeah, I've heard of that many times, that place.

I've heard it from you at least twice. I think someone should be opening up a game restaurant in Los Angeles. Is there not one? Not that I know of. Yeah, there's that place here in Calabasas. That's nowhere near here, but yeah, it's called the something Lodge. Saddle Peak Lodge. Yes. Saddle Peak Lodge, yeah. It's called the something lodge. Saddle Peak Lodge. Yes.

Saddle Peak Lodge. Yeah. It's, like, on the way over to Malibu. Do you think people would freak out out here, though, if you opened, like, a wild game? Like, I could just see people, like, picketing it. That's why they hide in the mountains. Well, you know, there's a point in saying that it's not good because you don't want, like, factory farming of these wild animals. Right.

You want it to be. saying that it's not good because you don't want like factory farming of these wild animals you want it to be but if you could have like a small restaurant that didn't serve that many people it was hard to get in it would be fucking badass if you knew that like if like say my friend steve ranella he's a a hunter and he has that show meat eater and he i went hunting with him and i got this deer right here if he had his own restaurant it was all just stuff that he shot you know he shot like a new animal every week and cooked it in the restaurant and you only ate like what they had shot recently. That would be amazing. That would be cool.

If someone did that, like called it the Hunter's Lodge and have, you know, only have like 10 seats or 20 seats. Right. A small place. There'd be a line out front. Yeah. And you just have it so that these people have like some sort of sustained, like there's a lot of places in Texas where they have what they call a high fence operation, where they're essentially wild animals, but they're blocked in. They can't go anywhere.

And so because of that, they're allowed to control the populations. And there's more wild game species from Africa in Texas than are in Africa. Really? There's a lot of different species of antelopes and all sorts of different animals that are extinct in India but have great numbers in Texas because these guys create these wild game parks and then you take

these places and they set up tree stands and some of them are like real blatant like they have feeders and at 6am every morning food comes out so the animals just gather up and you blast away. I mean you could do it that way, or you could try to do it more ethically where you try to stalk these animals

in their natural habitat. But for the most part, you're talking about places with a huge amount of acreages. Some of them have 2, 3, and more thousand acres. So they're huge. So it's conceivable these animals have never even seen a person before. They're all fenced in.

And if you had something like that and cultivated the animals that way, you have like a sniper who works for you, and then he just takes out an animal every day, and today we're having bison that was just killed three hours ago by our hunting team. I mean, that would be incredible. And if people could see how delicious and how good for you that kind of food is, we would really start relooking at the American diet.

I've noticed a big difference in, like, I get as much as I can. I try to buy grass-fed beef now. And whenever I have a steak that's not grass-fed, I notice it in the taste. I notice it in, like, what it looks like. It looks pale. If you have a grass-fed piece of meat, it's a dark red. It's a different color. Right.

And if you buy one that's corn-fed, it's like this poor thing is anemic. Yeah. And you also feel different, too, when you eat. If you eat organic chicken and then you go back to eating processed, you can definitely tell the difference in just how you feel afterwards. See, I've never been able to tell the difference in chicken. I can. Organic chicken and then you go back to eating processed, you can definitely tell the difference in just how you feel afterwards. See, I've never been able to tell the difference in chicken. I can. Organic chicken, and then you go back to processed always.

Wow. Well, maybe you're more sensitive to that than I am. Maybe, yeah. But I think there's been a lot of research that's been done on what's healthy for you, what kind of lean protein, what kind of diet the animal should be on in order to optimize the nutrition value of the food. The best is wild. value of the food. The best is wild. That's the best. They're the leanest animals.

Their fat is the most valuable, like bears, like bear fat. They've rendered that down and make these big jars of it and cook with it. It's amazing stuff, especially if the bears have been eating, like, blueberries. It actually has almost a blueberry tint to it. It's incredible. It's, like, very highly valued bear fat when they eat blueberries. If you can catch a bear that's been like dieting off nothing but blueberries for months, oh, my God, it's the most amazing meat ever. The meat's delicious.

The fat is delicious. And it's just so much more ethical than stuffing them into these farms where they're all blocked in and they can't even move. And they fill them full of fucking fatty foods and then piston through the brain, drain them out and they never had a life. These animals live like a wild animal. They're running around out there eating grass, eating the natural plants that they would eat

and then you shoot them. It's totally a better move. I support it. I'm down, Justin. I just got so hungry for it. Have you ate brains, Joe? Yeah, I've had brains. What's that like? It's kind of like a scrambled eggs type feel.

What brains was it? Texture to it. What kind? I've had lamb's brains. My uncle used to cook lamb's brains on the grill. Really? Yeah. It was in the 1970s, I guess.

I was a really small boy. But I remember I was always into horror movies and weird shit. And so he wanted to freak me out and show me the lamb skull and that we were going to cook the lamb's brain. My uncle was very cool. And I remember they spiced it a certain way and would cook this lamb's brain in the skull. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah.

It was really odd. I'd never had it since then for a long time. And then I had it a long time ago at a restaurant. There was a restaurant that served lamb's brains

and I remember I had that. And I've also had sweetbreads which is some gland. It's a gland of... I think it's a cow. You sure your uncle's not a witch? He's just fucking with him. This is sweet bread.

Try this. Well, you know, my family's straight from the boat. Everyone was straight from the boat. My grandmother, my grandfather on both sides. My grandfather on my father's side came straight from Ireland. My grandmother came from Italy. And both my grandparents on my mom's side came from Italy. So these motherfuckers ate everything

They killed their own rabbits They ate everything So sweetbreads is It's a parotid gland Including the parotid gland The sublingual glands It's a bunch of different glands How do they prepare it?

I think they fry it I think they It's like Oh, okay. I think they pan fry it. I think frying makes everything okay. Here's one. It says, one common preparation of sweetbreads includes soaking in salt water and then poaching in milk, after which the

outer membrane is removed. Oh, okay. Once dried and chilled, they are often breaded and fried. Okay, so there's a lot going on with these things. See, that's when people needed food so bad, they tried to figure out how to eat everything. They boiled down tendons and shit. That's why they figured out stews.

Stews were for parts of an animal that you couldn't eat. You couldn't choke it down. So you'd have to break it down with a braise. You would braise them and then boil them slowly for hours and hours until the meat finally gave up and collapsed If you're a caveman didn't know anything about eating animals eating meat and stuff like that And you were just put onto this earth, and you had to go all right. I need to eat What would I start with first would you go right to animal because I think I would just grab a lot of grass and like trees and stuff i had the problem is i think you're gonna say people for a second the problem is you need fat you know especially if you don't have clothes and you're freezing your ass off you're gonna need

a lot of fat you're gonna need fat period like fat is energy especially if you don't have carbohydrates and you're not really going to get the kind of carbohydrates that we get today with pastas and breads and you know standard wheat-based carbohydrates to get the kind of carbohydrates that we get today with pastas and breads and standard wheat-based carbohydrates. So the amount of calories that you would actually need from vegetables is pretty substantial. You'd have to eat like pounds, right? Yeah, if you were just eating grass, you would have to eat a lot.

I would live in a forest or something. I think I would start off with that is what I'm saying. I'd be eating like mud. You think? I think back then you'd have like two days and be like, no, fuck this. I'm going to kill something. Yeah, you would starve to death, dude.

You really would. But that's what I mean. I mean, if you tried to go vegetables only. Unless you have a garden, man, fucking, unless you live in a really unique place where they have a lot

of naturally growing things that you can eat, you gotta cultivate your own shit. It's hard to find, I mean, there are like edible roots, there's a lot of different things

that are like almost like wild potatoes. You can eat their roots and they're very nutritious. And there's a bunch of plants you can eat. But getting enough of them and then also being aware of what you can and can't eat. There's some shit that looks like shit you can eat. It'll kill you instantly, especially mushrooms. When you start fucking around with mushrooms and picking mushrooms, there was a sad story recently. This old lady in a nursing home went out and picked some mushrooms then cooked them up for everybody that

she lived with and they all fucking died like i saw some mushrooms in my front yard today like those big white ones that almost look like cauliflower the answer is no don't eat them lick them first and then take a bite and then take two bites whatever you're about to say the answer is no yeah i just always those are kind of mushrooms, I always wondered if those were poisons because you see those everywhere. Yeah, I would imagine they probably are. I mean, some of them are edible. There's places like the Pacific Northwest where people go mushroom hunting, and they're confident enough. Like there's some mushrooms that are so easy to poke out or point out, rather, that you can go, okay, this one we can eat.

It doesn't look like anything you can't eat. and there's a few that are like that and people grow them too they love to grow like shiitakes and shit i did it once there's like a kit you buy at the supermarket and you basically just like put some water on it or something like that and leave it somewhere and they start growing i mean they want to grow they just this is pretty easy to make a mushroom grow yeah they grow quick as fuck, too. I think you need shit, though. You need a lot of feces. That helps. It's not just shit, though.

It has to be shit from a cow. And it has to be the way a double-stomached animal eats. Their shit comes out nice and loose, and it's got a lot of air in it. Like an alcoholic's shit. You can't have alcohol. It wouldn't grow well in alcohol. And just a human diet is no good. It's not going to grow in meat.

It wants to grow in plants that have been smashed up and passed through the stomach of, I think it's called a double-onulid animal, or onulid animal, these wild cows. And that's the whole idea with the psilocybin mushrooms they always grow on cow shit these big fucking huge plate sized mushrooms will glow in the Amazon on cow shit and they look like UFOs landing in a field right that's one of the reasons why the the idea came to a lot of people's heads it really tripped hard was that they were communicating

with another life form that came here in an asteroid. I can tell you what makes sense at the time. It doesn't just make sense at the time. Unfortunately, it makes sense chemically. Yeah. Because spores can survive in a vacuum. Right, yeah. And apparently the chemical composition of psilocybin is very unique. There's nothing

quite like it. It's like 4-FOX4-aloxy-NN dimethyltryptamine. I know I said that wrong. But whatever it is, I was listening to a lecture once by Terence McKenna and he was saying that there's no other plant like that that has the phosphorus in the 4 position.

And it's really possible that it could have come on an asteroid from another planet. Wow. It has spores surviving a vacuum. Apparently you could take some mushroom spores like it doesn't have to be psychedelic like shiitake

whatever put them on a fucking asteroid shoot it into space and they'll live. They'll land somewhere boom and make a little mushroom farm.

Did you see that asteroid or whatever the fuck it was over LA the other day? Yeah what was that supposed to be? Did they say it was a satellite coming in?

Didn't they say it was a satellite burning up? I don't think so. Last I heard it was a They said it was an asteroid, yeah. Wasn't it an asteroid? That's what they said. All these people

were coming in, like comics and stuff, like, man, we just saw something crazy. It was like a fireball coming right over us. And I'm like, oh no, have you checked Twitter yet?

And he's like, no. You mean I wasn't the only one that saw it? And then on Twitter it's just blown up. See, that's the way, because just moving to LA like a year,

I see shit and I don't even know what's really... I saw an explosion the other day and I'm like, I see shit, and I don't even know what's real anymore. I saw an explosion the other day, and I'm like, I don't know if I should call anybody or if they're just filming a movie. And so you see shit falling from the sky, you're like, I don't fucking know what that is. This animal place doesn't even have a sign.

They have no sign in front of the restaurant. Try to be slick. You just have to walk. Dirty bitch. They have chicken liver toast. Spicy beef tendon chip. Yeah, they got weird shit. Pig tails.

Pig ears. Heirloom tomatoes. Veal brains. Dude, this place makes me hungry. Crispy pig head. I'm in. Veal tongue. Charred octopus. This place might be the greatest place in the history of the world.

I'm telling you, man. It's my favorite restaurant. Fried Rabbit Legs. Oh, my God. This is incredible. It's great. And they're really nice people over there, too. That Saddle Peak Lodge, if you've never been there, that place is the shit.

They serve elk and venison and duck. They serve game food. But i think that would be like the ultimate restaurant that'd be like the ultimate community where you you lived with a bunch of people that see like i watch these alaska shows like i love like um life below zero you ever seen that one it's great it's a new show i'm watching i think it's on the history channel or or no nat geo and they uh they go out and most of these people are just living off the land. They're just out shooting seals and shooting caribou. And they barter.

They give each other stuff like they were trading frozen fish for fucking seal oil. And they dip their food in seal oil. It's craziness. But what's fascinating is no one ever goes to the supermarket. All their food, they either grow or they kill. Everything, everybody in the whole village. And they all share. They have meals together.

They barter. They give each other, like, I'll give you some caribou. You give me some of this. And I need a band for my snowmobile. One of the guys blew one of his belts. The other guy gave him a snowmobile belt, and he gave him a side of caribou. That's a lot of work.

This is amazing. I'm too lazy. I need to go grocery shopping. It's a lot of work, but... I literally made a sandwich, like the last piece of the toast the other day, like the last piece of bread. I couldn't go kill a caribou.

You could, though. I'd starve to death. If you needed food, you could do it. I had cereal with water. Just the powdered crumbs from the end of the box? It works with certain cereals. That's not bad. Count Chocula.

I can't even go get more Lucky Charms. I'm going to go shoot a salmon. Yeah, something like Count Chocula that has a coating on the outside of it. You'd see how the water would work. You ever have raw milk? No, I've used milk that was really questionable, though, because I didn't want to go get more.

That's not the same. This is probably bad, but you know what? The grocery store is about a block away. That's where yogurt comes from, though, right? Yeah, it does. I just found that out, and I eat so much yogurt. You just found that out? What are you, 12?

I'm not a smart man. I just found out yogurt doesn't come from I'm not a smart man I just found out Yogurt doesn't come From a yogurt tree Wait cheese is mold? Oh don't even mean it What is this butter exactly? It's made out of milk?

Oh come on Milk's not hard Dude you grew up in Texas Didn't you? Yeah Well we didn't eat yogurt there Didn't you eat wild pigs? No yogurt You're eating yogurt Eat some Didn't you eat wild pigs? No yogurt.

You're eating yogurt. Eat some wild bacon. Right. Put some bacon in that yogurt. This is some boar dick on toast. Come on, boy. I was watching a special episode of Meat Eater the other day where he was cooking up deer balls. Talking about how people always throw them away and you really shouldn't.

It's a waste of the deer balls. So he's pan frying these deer balls and slicing them up. Apparently they're quite delicious. Would you do it? Would you try it? Yeah, I'd eat it. Fuck yeah. Dude, I hosted Fear Factor for six years.

You can't freak me out when it comes to food. I have a very different sense of what's gross. This girl puked in front of me the other day. She's like, I need a trash can. I need a trash can. So I ran and grabbed her a trash can. We had both been drinking a lot of Patron. And I gave it to her.

She pukes. And we had Mexican before. And it smelled like Mexican vomit. She's like, get it away from me. It smells. And I'm like, ugh. I started puking. And she's like, I need it back.

And it was just like South Park. And this is about when the story begins. So this girl threw up in front of me the other day. That's how Brian's living. By the way, he's 40. Yeah, there's something about puke that makes you want to puke too. That instinct has totally been removed from me. Really?

Yeah. Because of the show? Yeah, I saw so many people throw up. It doesn't do anything to me. It doesn't make me flinch. When I was a kid, I was the first guy, if someone threw up in the hallway, I was the first guy to start dry heaving.

I threw up. The first season of Fear Factor, I threw up watching it on TV. I watched something that I was there for in real life and I didn't throw up. But watching it on TV, I threw up. But then by the time season three rolled around, dude, I was an OG. I was a veteran. Season three rolled around. Dude, I was an OG.

Yeah. I was a veteran. Yeah, I've cleaned people's puke up for them. I think the last time I threw up was Patron. That'll get you. That stuff will get you. Yeah. Patron's evil.

Well, your body realizes you've taken away too much poison too quickly. Right. You're not sipping. You're just slamming it down down and it's strong as fuck. Next thing you know, your eye vision's not good. And you start, your mouth gets dry.

Can't stay stable. Start sweating. You're wobbling from side to side. What are you two fucks over there doing? He keeps on trying to get me in trouble. What are you doing, Jamie?

What? It's the two girls. Oh, yeah. I had to turn away from that three times. I almost threw up. Yeah. We don't from that three times. I almost threw up. Yeah. We don't have to watch this.

I almost threw up watching you watch that. Yeah, it was rough. People are like, did you guys stage that? Absolutely not. No, you can't fake that. Both of them were real. That was real, and then Brian watching dudes cut their dicks off. That's so much worse.

I would agree. I would agree with that. Correct. Yeah. Yeah, getting your dick cut off is always a bad move. You notice that there hasn't been a shocking video in a while. Oh, yes, there is. What?

You just don't look. I mean, minus beheadings, because I don't know if you've heard the whole Facebook beheading drama that's been going on. But that was fucked up. Like a girl getting her head chopped off because she cheated on her husband. Yeah, I saw that. You watched that? Yeah, the Mexican drug cartel videos are intense, man. What do you find these?

On Facebook. It's a good news. They don't put them on Facebook. Oh, yeah. People throw a link up. It's one of those things where people just start talking about it and you get it. My Twitter has 1.17 million people or some shit like that so when you have that many they know they know what i like they know i like watching fucked up things i don't

like the violence and death stuff it's like but every now and then i watch i like watching someone do something retarded so will you walk me through what happens in that video because obviously i'm not watching that you don't want to watch it. But it's rough. Was it noises? Was there gurgling? Yeah, no, it's shockingly quiet, but it's intense. And it's 100% real? Oh, yeah.

There's no doubt about it. They cut this woman's head clean off. Oh, shit. Yeah, and he did it with a small knife. What? He just reached into her neck and started cutting, grabbed her by her hair. I mean, it was hardcore, man. And it didn't take long.

You know, her head was removed in, you know, a minute or so. I'm not. Yeah, it's hard to watch, man. And there's a lot of these videos, too. There's not just one of these videos. These drug cartel videos, man, they never even existed before. It's so crazy, like, the climate of Mexico and how much it's changed and that you could see it all documented on some of these videos

And it's moving up here to LA man. Do you see that it is I think so I just so much crazy shit going on and out LA our friend Kayla, you know Kayla from dysentery Yeah Somebody hit her car yesterday or two days ago and it took off and so they she went on this high-speed chase throughout Hollywood going wrong ways and streets going like you know just chasing this person down to take a photo of it. And then it was just gang members pretty much in a new car. And they finally got him over, and they got out of the car

and took a picture of the person and the license plate. And maybe some drama happened and then drove off again. And then they went down this dark street in a warehouse in a really shady neighborhood. And Kayla's like, I'm i'm not going down there but it was just like what could have happened to her she went down that well you're not supposed to chase people anyway if your car is good enough to drive yeah like that means you didn't get hit enough hard enough so you'd be chasing somebody that's ridiculous yeah like what are you trying to do you're trying to get yourself killed she wanted to get the license plate call the police just call the police immediately and tell them what direction and where they're at.

You'd be amazed at how many cops are out there. And a lot of times they can head someone off, especially if someone's driving fast. You know, if they see... They were on the phone with the police the whole time. Oh, okay. Did they catch them? They got the license plate, but that's it. There was one point, though, I guess they were going fast,

and this guy was going, like, 80 miles an hour, went over one of those, like, little hill things, and the guy flew up in the point, though, I guess they were going fast, and this guy was going like 80 miles an hour, went over one of those little hill things, and the guy flew up in the air like four feet and came down, and just like all those sparks and fire came out. Wow. Yeah, dude thought he was on a Duke's hazard. You know, I got robbed. My friend Justin Martindale got robbed.

You know, this place is crazy. Well, if you're out at night, man, that's the reality. If you're out at night and you're wandering around, especially if you've been drinking, you know, people look at you like you're a victim. When you have poor people and rich people all mingling together, and Los Angeles has a massive amount of people that are impoverished, a massive amount. There's 20 million people here. Who knows how many of them are living below the poverty line?

It's a lot. And if you're flossing in Hollywood and everyone knows where they can find you, if you're some fucking baller character who's flashing some cash around at the Sky Bar and people could find you and clock you and watch you and follow you to your car, they're going to rob you. There's a lot of that going on. It might happen only every now and again. It's amazing. It doesn't happen more than it does.

It's scary. It is scary. Well, it's scary and it's an issue that our society doesn't face. Our society doesn't face the fact that there's people that grow up with no shot. They're fucked from the jump. Shitty, roll the dice, terrible hand, being born in incredibly impoverished neighborhoods and there's very little support. They're just left in their parents' hands and their parents are morons. I mean, that's the reality of babies growing up in poor neighborhoods.

I didn't even think of it like that because LA is rich and poor on top of each other. Oh, yeah. Like each... Well, not only that, but disconnected from each other. Right. Which is different than New York. In New York, poor people and rich people all sort of mingle together on the subway, mingle together walking down the street there's like a more more human approach to like

people being there it's more it's more diversified it's like you run into everybody in new york like i find that it's easier to be in your own little world in la you get in your own little car you stay in your own little neighborhood you don't interact with people in new york you're forced to it's just a part of life in new y. And I think that's a healthier thing. I think it's healthier. People have less fear of each other. People understand that we have much more in common that way. It seems like it would be a contradiction because most people think that Los Angeles or California in general is nicer than New York. But I think a lot of that is just the weather the weather here is as nice as is humanly possible it's dude I was just in Edmonton it was fucking nine degrees it was snowing yeah it was an amazing show had a great time came back

to LA 84 bitch suck upon it at the end of November convertible driving that dudes are driving more intervals with their sunglasses on, getting head cancer, smiling. Head cancer. Oh, yeah. It's amazing. This is an amazing spot. And I think just that alone is responsible for a lot of the mood of the people in Los Angeles.

I think that alone helps a lot. Yeah, it's hard to be depressed when you go outside and the weather's absolutely perfect. Yeah, but then you get a call from an agent saying they passed again. Right. And you're like, oh, my career's in the toilet. It's a lot of depression in L.A. because of just ridiculous expectations. Right, that's what I'm saying.

If the weather was worse here with the desperation in this town, it would be a lot more. I know a girl that moved out here just recently. And when I first met her, everything was going great. Lost her job. Now she's homeless and cold on the streets in Hollywood. How long has she been down here? What did she do wrong?

She just lost her job. And then she couldn't get another job. And then, you know, once you're out of money, you're out of money. She doesn't have any friends, so she just found herself on the street. Yeah, she just moved out here. Whoa. Yeah, it's moved out here. Whoa. Yeah, it's pretty sad. What, she moved down here with $2?

I don't know. I don't know. But it kicked her ass fast. And, you know, you get these texts, and you're just like, oh, Jesus. Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, it's right back. That sounds terrible. And there are certainly individual stories where horrible shit happens to horrible people.

There's no doubt about that. But it's also there's a lot of people that that come down here and their ideas are really shitty. Their plan is poor. They don't have backups. They're not willing to do certain things. They don't take the necessary steps in order to make sure that they're going to be okay. I know this dude who came out here to try to be an actor. He's been out here and he thought he was just immediately, apparently he's talented. And he thought he was just immediately going to just start getting roles and basically be a working actor within like a year. It's a year and a half in, he hasn't gotten a single job and he's starting to freak, you know, and he doesn't want to

work. He wants to somehow or another like feed himself as an actor. And that's not going to happen. Like it's, it's, you might, you might get a movie and you'd be fine and so but he keeps banking on this idea that he's going to eventually get a movie and then all his bills are going to be paid like wow do you know how many of you there are out there like zero job he has no job he's no job see that that's why i'm so glad i've been classically trained as a waiter and that's one of the best skills that you can have any city i can get a fucking job at denny's if it came down to it i could be i could i have a job skill that i know like being a blacksmith or something and people that haven't been waiters before i don't know if they're scared to be a waiter but it

really is the best fallback job you could possibly have and there's so many fucking restaurants that it's a you can get a good job and make a living you could actually you know do really well as a good waiter is it easy to get a waiter job though i think living. You could actually do really well as a good waiter. Is it easy to get a waiter job, though? I think it is. It's just the quality of the restaurant. Right. Yeah, you could get a fucking job at Denny's and come in there and make any time you want to, probably.

Yeah, that's because I bartended for years. So I know that no matter how bad it gets, I can always bartend somewhere. In some towns. I always have some backup plan. Right. Because people are always going to want to get drunk. Yeah. You drunk you know yeah plus probably a lot of drunk chicks bust moves on you that's the best are you kidding me they must bust moves it's the best when you work at a restaurant also you're always getting laid because you become friends and alcoholics with all the other waiters

and waitresses and talk shit about how horrible the day is right and you're all off at two o'clock in the morning at the same time and then you all bang each other yeah oh dude yeah we would live when i was bartending in Dallas, we would just drive to Shreveport overnight. Shreveport, Louisiana? Yeah.

It's like, all right, we just made $300. Let's go cross the border and gamble. How far away is Louisiana from Dallas? A couple hours.

That's it? Yeah. Wow. That was the best. Is it like a different world, though? It's sad. It's sad.

Like, take the coolness of Vegas, and then it's just, yeah, it's not fun. It's like Reno if it got bit by a vampire. It's sad. Take the coolness of Vegas and then it's just, yeah. It's not fun. It's like Reno if it got bit by a vampire. Right, yeah. Reno if it had AIDS. Yeah, there's a few of those places that are like, whoa.

We did a bunch of early UFCs in those places. Like Casino Magic, shit like that. In like 1998. But it's fun when you're a kid. You're like, oh, I can go and drink underage and gamble. Oh, hell yeah. Windsor, California. Or Canada.

Windsor? Yeah, that's where like the whole Midwest would all drive up as kids to drink and go to strip clubs. Yeah, I actually saw some of that when we were filming in Detroit. They were talking about how you could only be 18, you can get across to Canada, you can drink. And go to strip clubs. Yeah. It was awesome because, you know, they're trying to raise the smoking age in New York to 21,

which makes so much sense. Why is that even a... It doesn't make sense? No, it does make sense. Yeah. Why isn't it? Right. That's so stupid.

It's just, there's a real problem with cigarettes, man. They're so fucking addictive. So addictive and they're so terrible for you. And even a guy like you, you're not completely retarded. Yet you can't stop going back to them. Yeah, I know. I'm quitting soon. No, me and Kayla are going to quit.

Oh, that's sweet. Together? Yeah. Together forever. We're going to quit. Why don't you just. Together. Yeah. Together forever. We're going to quit. Why don't you just fucking get electronic cigarettes, man? It seems like. I think that is the worst invention in the world.

I am so anti-electronic cigarettes. Why is that? You see these kids that are, or kids. You see these people with like these humongous hookahs of electronic cigarettes and they sit there and suck on it like a tit all night long. And they're just getting so much nicotine that they're pretty much telling their body, like, hey, no, I need to live on nicotine. I need nicotine in my body all day long, all day and night. You see the electronic cigarettes too accessible?

Because with a cigarette, you've got to go outside, you've got to go across the street, you've got to find a lighter. With the e-cigarette, it's just always there. Always there. And people suck on those things like a thumb. I've seen it, yeah. Right, but from what's not negative it's not bad for you it's making your body get fucking used to having that much nicotine in it yeah but i don't think nicotine is what's

wrong nicotine is not really that bad for you from what i understand nicotine is actually a medicine but isn't it highly addictive right i don't know i don't know if it's the nicotine necessarily that's really fucking you up should they put they should. They put in it. There's 590 different chemicals. Yeah, but people are addicted to American spirit cigarettes, and the only thing in there is tobacco. Let's find out. Nicotine addiction. Let's find out. Nicotine addiction, and then we'll do electronic cigarettes.

Yeah, just to me, it seems horrible. I don't know, man. It seems like way better for you. Yeah. But you're going to have to do that horrible. I don't know, man. It seems like way better for you. Yeah. But you're going to have to do that for the rest of your life. Yeah. You're always the guy with the e-cigarette at the bar. But it's way better for your lungs.

Yeah, but instead of just quitting is what I'm saying. Yeah, I understand that. But if you're looking for a bridge between the two, it seems like there'll be a way better move. Unless nicotine's not addictive. It seems like you're just getting your body used to way, like, larger amounts of a drug. But like I said, I don't think that nicotine is a real issue. Let me ask Siri. Yeah, is nicotine dangerous?

Is nicotine addictive? Of course it's addictive. What? Here's what I found on the web. Oh, gross, Siri. This is no shit. Okay, here, nicotine, there's benefits. Studies have focused on the benefits of nicotine therapy for adults with ADHD.

Wow. So if you can't concentrate, you should smoke? Well, you know, it's really interesting because Stephen King said that cigarettes, like when he quit cigarettes, that was one of the most profound effects on his writing. That it really slowed him down because cigarettes really made a synapses fire and he felt like it made him more creative. Because it's a stimulant, right? Yeah.

Oh, shit. I have ADHD. Oh, you definitely do. Are you kidding? So keep smoking. You're fine. Yeah. Yeah. Doctor says. Psychoactive effects.

Nicotine's mood-altering effects are different by report. In particular, it is both a stimulant and a relaxant, first causing the release of glucose from the liver and epinephrine, adrenaline, from the adrenal medulla. It causes stimulation. Users report feelings of relaxation, sharpness, calmness, and alertness. Like any stimulant, it may very rarely cause the often uncomfortable neuropsychiatric effects of, how about this one? psychiatric effects of, how about this one? A-K-A-T-H-I-S-I-A, akathysia.

By reducing the appetite and raising the metabolism, some smokers may lose weight as a consequence. Hmm. Interesting. So the medical uses, there's a bunch of different medical uses. Primary therapeutic use of nicotine is in treating nicotine dependence. Duh. That's so stupid.

See, it doesn't seem like nicotine is something you should suck on all day long. That's what I'm saying. However, in a few situations, smoking has been observed to be of therapeutic value. These are often referred to as smoker's paradoxes. And although in most cases the actual mechanism is understood only poorly or not at all, it is generally believed that the principal beneficial action is due to the nicotine administered and that the administration of nicotine without smoking may be as beneficial as smoking. So there's certain things.

Like it says, for instance, studies suggest that smokers require less frequent repeated revascularization after, whoa, percutaneous coronary intervention. Not many people do that anymore. What is that? That's like an old dance they used to do when the TVs were black and white. I don't even know what the fuck that is. Risk of ulcerative colitis has been frequently shown to be reduced by smokers. Because you kind of smoke the inside of your lung. You make it tougher.

You can't get as many diseases that way. Wow, that's not true. You get more? Tobacco smoke has also been shown to contain compounds capable of inhibiting monoamine oxidase, which is what you take when you make ayahuasca. Monoamine oxidase is what keeps DMT from becoming orally active. That's why if you eat grass and things that have DMT in it,

you don't just start tripping your balls off because of monoamine oxidase. So if it inhibits monoamine oxidase, that can act as a hallucinogen too. If it's in like harmin, if it's in like large doses, I think it's close to close to like death doses It becomes a hallucinogen. Have you tried the e-cigarette at all? Yeah, I tried one. I tried one recently Because I wanted to see like what kind of a stimulant it gives you and whether or not I would crave it more I puffed it all the way to the Bray Improv.

Did it do anything? Yeah, it gave me a little jolt. But it's not something I want to do on a regular basis. I just wanted to experiment with it, see what it was like. It doesn't have the satisfaction of littering. Right, just being a badass. I spoke to an e-hookah in Vegas the other day. Somebody had an e-hookah.

An e-hookah. That's one of those big fat an e-hookah. An e-hookah. That's one of those big fat ones. Yeah, the big long one. That's what Bobby Lee walks around with. Bobby Lee's got a goddamn garbage can he brings with him. It's filled up with nicotine. It's on a roller. He's rolling his golf clubs around.

Him and PJ both just sit there, and it just looks like, I just look over, and I'm like, that's not good. That's just not good. Look at that. Right, but that's Bobby Lee. He's like super indulgent. Those funny guys, man. There's so many funny guys that are just super indulgent.

They almost like can't help themselves. There's this radio station in, I believe, Columbus, Ohio, that Bobby Lee was on recently. And they had it video, recorded video. And he sat down on the couch. And there was a point where they were talking about another comedian. What's the one lady, that really funny chow with the tattoos Margaret Cho Margaret Cho Margaret Cho was there she took off all her clothes and they were

talking to Bobby about that and Bobby's like oh you know I can take off all my clothes so he takes off all his clothes and sits down on the couch which is white and then when he sat up and later and left he left a little brown no the radio station cut it out and framed it in its dirty little and he had like an excuse like oh you don't understand I had an omelet to just shit his pants right there on their couch he's probably cutting little farts, too. Yeah, he probably cut one and it just a little leaked out. He didn't want to let anybody know.

He probably did it on purpose. He's like, who has a white couch? Yeah, if you know Bobby. Okay, e-cigarettes. Let's see if it makes sense that an e-cigarette is healthier. Oh, it's definitely healthier. I'm not saying it's healthier. I'm just saying that the nicotine intake, I believe, when you have one of these big hookahs,

it's probably just drowning you with way more nicotine than you're using. Maybe, but I don't know if it is healthier. I don't know. Not by much. I mean, it just feels like something's missing when you smoke an e-cigarette. It's like drinking Coke Zero. You know what I mean? It just doesn't have that.

Yeah, it's probably where I feel more than that. I feel like this is not doing anything. It's like drinking Coke Zero. It just doesn't have that. I feel more than that. I feel like this is not doing anything. It doesn't. It's like I have a straw. Hmm. It says the one thing is nicotine levels. They're worried the electronic cigarette can contain as much nicotine as a

regular cigarette or more. The amount of nicotine an electric cigarette delivers depends on the content of amount of nicotine an electric cigarette delivers depends on the content of the liquid nicotine cartridge installed in it so they can choose cartridges containing nicotine in a range of strengths everyone goes for the strong ones to or coming from cigarettes yeah and you're sucking on that thing all day long instead of hammered a cigarette every like 15 20 minutes or says they're also cartridges that contain liquid without nicotine for users who want the sensory

Experience of smoking without its effect So that's like fakers. That's like people weren't fake glasses Well, they say that that your first year is like you're not really addicted to the nicotine You're addicted to the movement of putting the cigarette into your mouth a year the year six months something I read. Yeah, I Like that a year six months three months. You're just. I like that. A year, six months, three months. You're just addicted to doing that. I read it somewhere. I heard it.

Somebody else read it. They told me about it. It's like the, because when you drink, you get drunk immediately. Like the cigarette, you don't really become addicted to it. Nobody really, no one starts liking nicotine the first time you smoke a cigarette. Well, it's a weird feeling. I remember that. I did a sketch once with Adam Ferrara and Kevin James.

We were doing this improv troupe at this comedy club. And I did this sketch. And I was supposed to play this poet that smoked a lot of cigarettes. So a really outrageous person. So I was smoking these cigarettes on the set. I took Adam's cigarettes. And I was fucked up, man. I was really fucked up.

Within like two cigarettes or three cigarettes, my head was flying. I was like, my God, I'm high. This is crazy. I didn't know this gets you high. It gets you some weird kind of high. Yeah, it does. But it doesn't seem to interrupt your motor skills.

This is, by the way, I don't know if you can see this. It might be hard to see. This is Bobby Lee's skid mark. It might be hard to see. This is Bobby Lee's skid mark. It's really hard to see. It's right here. Yeah, I can't see it. It's hard to see. The contrast is too fucked up.

Yeah, so these things, apparently, it really depends who's making the e-cigarette. And so in that way, like a company like those blue e-cigs, that might be like the way to go. Like at least you can count on it. Because it's kind of the same thing as pot. Like when you buy a pot brownie and you don't know what the fuck is in there, like you're taking a total guess. It's a big gamble. The difference between the impact of a pot cookie or a pot brownie can be you just mellow sitting in front of the TV or you on a wild roller coaster ride

to the dark recesses of your soul right you know that feeling there's a big big big big goddamn difference and because the fact that it's illegal you know it's not regulated you don't know what you're getting that's probably the same thing with these e-cigarettes and sometimes like the the cheaper ones like the gas stations all have them now. You know, you get the blue one. That's the expensive kind, but they all have, like, these, like, generic kind of versions of them. And you get some of those you suck on, and you just get, like, a mouthful of juice sometimes. I'm like, oh, that can't be good.

I'm drinking, like, the juice that makes the smoke. Like you're ringing out the filter at the end of a cigarette? Yeah. Yeah, it's not good. There's certain things like like but you can count like one of the best things about uh like edibles is if you find a company that makes a certain edible and you know what it is like they make a jolly rancher okay this jolly ranch is very predictable one and you're good yeah la speed weed does that yeah other packages they have

how much they're very clever that way this e-cigarette thing is interesting because they're starting to open up these e-cigarette lounges in places. Have you seen them? Yeah. Yeah, they have e-cigarette stores and e-cigarette lounges, and they serve different flavor. It's weird. People have, like, there's vaporizer stores. You know what it's going to do, Joe? It's going to make non-smokers try it and then like it,

and then they're going to get addicted to cigarettes, and then here we go again. Someone's going to think they look cool blowing smoke, and they're going to fuck them, and they're just going to keep trying to look cool again. Just keep trying to itch that scab. Got to make you feel better. It's like opium dens for people who aren't cool enough

to smoke real cigarettes Right Did you You Where you were in Dallas In Addison You can still smoke there One of the last places

Yeah I go back home I walk into a bar And everybody's just Ripping cigarettes at the bar Yeah It's one of the last places That hangs in there

Still Oh yeah Oh sweet Well when we performed there I was at the Addison Improv The last time I was there I was like

You guys have a God damn smoking show I love it Like you guys have a goddamn smoking show. I love it. You have to specify a non-smoking show. Yeah, if you're a headliner from out of town, you have to let them know in advance. No, not even that. They have an 8 p.m. non-smoking show. Right, right, right.

There was an 8 p.m. non-smoking show, and there was a 10 p.m. regular show. And the 10 p.m. regular show was just a fucking haze of shitty decision-making. Just booze and cigarettes. Whiskey and Marlboro Lights. I'm not a fan of cigarette smoke. I don't like the way it smells. I think it's disgusting. I think it's bad for you. But there's something about a bar

that's filled with cigarette smoke that just feels right. Or a crowd of cigarette smokers are always a little bit better. For some reason. They're fucking animals. They're not worried about shit as much. They're not even caring about their own body well it's a fact that girls who smoke are like much more likely to do something freaky I'm so attracted to

chicks who smoke cigarettes I don't know what it are you too there's something sexy about that dirty they're just dirty and they're making shitty decisions yeah and she's like you know how's sucking on that cancer stick. And you're like, my dick can't be nearly as dangerous as that. Oh, was she wrong? That after fuck cigarette where you're like, yeah, just laying there. Or the during. No.

They just seem dirtier. You're going to tell your friends. There's also, like, knowing that they're not going to stay good looking for very long because the cigarettes are going to age them. They're, like, more valuablelooking for very long because the cigarettes Like more valuable shorter ride She's shorter wilder ride If a girl is like really smoking hard cigarettes by the time she hits 40 the fucking party's over right you're my grandma now The party's over write that down over. You're my grandma now.

The party's over. Write that down. It's true. But a girl who's like a CrossFit chick or something like that, they could go deep in their 40s and still hot as fuck. There was just a picture on Facebook that was circulating where it has two twins. They're identical twins and one smoked for the last 15 years

and the other one didn't. It showed them side by side. I thought the smoker looked remarkably good compared to the twin. I was like, that's actually not a very good argument because it's 14 years of enjoying cigarettes and barely paid a price. And having fun.

Yeah. They're, like Halle Berry, I think is like 50 or something. Like, how old is she? She's hot as fuck, man. Does she smoke?

No, of course not. But I'm saying that's the difference. Right. If she did, like both of those, let's be honest. All right, if I had to fuck one, I don't know which one's the smoke. Why would you do that?

And click this stop. Shut this off. You're shaming these people. I'd rather watch beheading videos. You're shaming these people. You're not supposed to do that. I would do the one on the right. Which one's the smoker?

Couldn't care less. The one on the right. Is it? Hey, stop. Dude, don't show that anymore. I'm sorry. Don't be showing, for real. Like on the right. Is it? Hey, stop. Dude, don't show that anymore. I'm sorry. Don't be showing, for real. That's not good karma to just show people and go, look how ugly these people's faces are.

If that's on a line somewhere, that's one thing. I didn't say that. That's exactly what we're saying. We're looking at it. They're all beat up by cigarettes. We're trying to figure out which one you would rather fuck. Yeah, but I would fuck one. They've both been through hell.

Okay? Let's be honest. You wouldn't want your face appearing on a fucking podcast. Would you rather fuck this guy or this guy with AIDS? It's the same thing. But the smoker would. He's got AIDS. The smoker would.

If she's still a smoker, she would want to be on this podcast. That's almost like. Maybe. Maybe she just want to borrow $5. Come here and blow everybody for $1.50 a piece. It'd be a disaster. She's making shitty decisions. She let them put her face in that thing.

They probably gave her money for that. She's like, well, no one's going to see it. Everyone's going to see it, goddammit. Brian just showed it to half a million people. Sorry. I'm sorry for that. I wouldn't have done it, ma'am. I just want you to know.

I just think it's wrong. Don't do it again, you fuck. No, I'm just trying to... So the right one is the smoker? Yes. Oh, so that's the one I would do. The other one looks like she has a black... Never mind. Just don't be mean.

Don't be mean. It's just a person, man. It's a person out there making shit decisions. But I support people's right to make shitty decisions. There's something about the temporary nature of bar life and cigarette smokes and... It's like, it's kind of dying out, and people are clinging more to their existence.

There's a part of me that enjoys a bar that's smoky, just like I enjoy being around drunk people sometimes. I like drunk people that can handle it, and I like a bar filled with people that are just out having a good fucking time. There's a lot more people that can handle it than can't handle it. Right. It's the people that can't handle it. They're so outrageous.

They ruin the time for the people that can. Walking around throwing up in trash cans in the middle of the street. That sounds more like they handled it. If they threw up in each other's underwear, then it would be a problem. Well, there's a difference between going to a bar where everybody's cool, drinking, having a good time, and then going to a 50-cent shot night college bar. It's just a fucking train wreck. Nickel pitcher.

Yeah, nickel, right. Well, it's like being around college drinkers is just like being around white belts in jiu-jitsu class. They spaz out. They don't know how to relax. They don't know how to go with their friends and just have a couple of shots and clink glasses and go, let's do a shot of Jack Forker and hit knuckles together.

And you sit there and drink like nice people. And you enjoy it and you have more laughs and you talk more shit and you laugh at each other and you have a good time and it's fun and a lot of hugs and high fives and shit. A lot of hugs, yeah. That's what it's like when we drink. When we drink, no one gets in any fights.

There's no anger. No one breaks bottles and stabs people. There's none of that going on. You have to be a special type of fuckhead to ruin a good drinking moment. Unless you're drinking Fireball. Unless you're with one of those dudes that just can't drink. We know those dudes that are just

nice guys where they just can't fucking drink. They just can't do it. They can't do it. They try. They can't pull it off. Can't fucking do it. There's a lot of them. They just got that broken gene in them, man. There's a lot more in California I noticed fucking do it there's a lot of them they just got that broken gene in the man there's a lot more in california i noticed also i think there's a lot of psychologically damaged folks out here that have come out here to reinvent themselves and i think you add alcohol to that that particular mindset it's like the problem that i have with that is the same problem

i have when guys like dr drew start talking shit about like the withdrawal syndromes that are associated with weed I'm like how many people saying that is like saying that peanuts will kill you because some people are allergic to them Right because there's some people you eat peanuts. You're fucking dead It's not most people though right if you're watching some report on peanuts killing people and you're eating peanuts going What the fuck are you talking about? Peanuts are delicious at a peanut butter peanut butter and jelly sandwich this morning. I'm eating peanuts now. I got some honey roasted peanuts. I got some salted peanuts. I got some raw peanuts. Come on, man. Peanuts? But peanuts do kill a certain percentage of the population. That's akin to the same type of people that are getting withdrawal syndromes from weed. That's not typical. That's not normal. So when you

pretend, you're disingenuous. If you're on TV pretending that it's a dangerous withdrawal syndrome that's attached to the stronger weed today, no, it's not. No, it's just like people allergic to peanuts. It's some rare freaks that smoke pot, and next thing you know, they're sucking dick from more pot. Right. Those are rare. It doesn't happen very often.

I think the only, to me, with drinking now getting older, the only problem I have is like the hangovers are just so fucking brutal now, man. That's why you need 180 from the Onyx. When you were talking about it at the beginning, I was like, I'm like writing it down. I'm like, okay, go ahead. Well, your body does not want you to do that. I know, but it doesn't want you to drink like that.

You gotta drink a lot of water. It's hard to do, but if you do it while you're drinking, it makes a big difference. If like while you're drinking booze, you force yourself to pound water, you make a lot of water. It's hard to do, but if you do it while you're drinking, it makes a big difference. If like while you're drinking booze, you force yourself to pound water, you make a lot of trips to the bathroom. Right. But so what? Just do it. You'll feel way better.

It'll just go through your system better. You'll rehydrate better. Still going to feel like shit though. I just want to have a solid poop one of these days. One day, Brian. If you plan and hope and wish and pray to the poop fairy, it'll all come out hard. You're probably dying.

Your body's probably slowly breaking down from the inside. You're probably shitting away little pieces of your liver. Yeah. I'm detoxing right now. I haven't drank in a couple days. Detoxing? I like to not drink for a couple days a week. Yeah, you don't have to, man. Your problem is you're in these social circles that are like, everyone's drinking and that's how everybody gets laid. You know?

Which, by the way, the feminists think is rape. We were talking about this on Discotary with Kayla. She's, you know, sober now. And she was talking about how hard it is. Thank God. No, I'm just kidding. How hard it is to, like, actually get laid or how to, like, meet somebody. Because when you're with a sober person like if you take a girl

Out that doesn't drink and you go oh, it's the worst hardest thing to get to that first base even because you're not you know You don't feel confident. She is weird Well, it becomes the weird thing that it actually is you want to stick your penis in her body right weird You know it's only until people are drunk that sounds like fuck Yeah, let's do this and a girl looking, you want to fuck or what? You're like, whoa. You know, that rarely happens when girls are sober. And if they are sober and they say, do you want to fuck or what?

Run! Yeah, exactly. Because they're probably crazy. You're probably going to burn your house down right after they fuck you. Bitch is nuts. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know, man.

It's hard for a girl. It's hard for anybody to trust anybody to be inside them. It's very evasive. It's weird. It's weird. Not only that, dudes are like creeps. There's a lot of rapists. A lot of men are stronger than women.

Women hear every day about some guy in the news who forced himself on a girl and killed her and buried her body. There's crazy stories. There was a kid recently in high school that killed one of the teachers, cut her with a box cutter, and dragged her into the woods behind the school what the fuck yeah no one knows why or what or there's it's a mystery he's like 14 he was a well-liked kid the whole thing is craziness and that's a boy you know imagine men if i was a chick i'd be terrified

to fuck a guy yeah yeah i mean they should be. It's a weird scenario. You know, it's one of the only reasons why when you hear feminists talk about, like, how to approach girls and how to respect the idea that these girls would be terrified of you. I agree with that wholeheartedly, 100%. It's one thing, like, I've heard it argued against that. Like, the men's rights guys are like, that's horseshit. That's stupid. You know, not all guys are assholes. You treat us like we're assholes.

It's sort of like manifest this whole, you know, attitude that certain men and women have with each other. But that's easy for dudes to say because they're not getting raped. You know, and the men's rights guys, one goofy thing that they fucking say, they really need to shut the fuck up about. They go, you know who gets raped more than anybody in this country? Men. Men in prison. Men in prison. And prison it's a fact that's a hard men in prison no it's a fact men in prison get raped more than anyone in this country but you know what the problem that fact is they get raped by men right it's black on black crime okay the men are raping the men it's not women breaking into prison and raping fucking poor prisoners. Right.

It's men raping men. It supports women's idea that these men are fucking assholes. Right. It's exactly what they've been saying. Yeah, I mean, it's ridiculous. It's such a fucking asinine and disingenuous argument. But would you agree, okay, feminists and then men's rights, would you agree there's a balance in the middle?

Like a woman doesn't want some guy who's going to intimidate her and scare the shit out of her, but she doesn't want some pussy who doesn't know how to make a move either. As long as there's a fine line in the middle. Yeah. Well, I think here's the problem with saying women want... Everybody wants something different. Some women like super feminine, really thin, like heroin-looking dudes. Some women like guys with guts.

Some women like black guys. Some women like Asian guys. Some women like guys with guts. Some women like black guys. Some women like Asian guys. Some women like timid guys. Some women like aggressive guys. Some women like to be held down. Some women like their hair pulled. Some women like to be choked. Some women will fucking scream and stab you if you try to choke them. Rightly so. If you just try to grab them and strangle them like your last girlfriend, they'll fucking think you're trying to rape them and they'll grab something and stab you in the dick. That's normal too. There's a weird, broad spectrum of what people like and don't like. So whenever you say, women don't want a man that does this, are you sure?

Because I've met girls that want that. Don't tell me that women don't like to be choked. They don't like their face fucked because they do. There's girls that like their face fucked. I've seen it. I've heard them say it. I've heard the words, which fuck my mouth. Like, whoa, holy shit.

You're the boss. Yeah. They puke on your dick and it dries up and it's like a gelatin the next day. The first time a girl said it to me, I was young, man. I had never even heard it before. I was like, wait a minute. What? My last girlfriend, she'd scream if I grabbed the back of her head. And this girl's telling me to fuck her face.

Like everyone's different. everyone's different that's what the problem with this whole women like this or men men want a women who not every man wants a woman who does that there's a lot of men want weird shit there's a lot of men want a mommy a lot of men like women that punch them in the face this is this men that like there's a whole website's dedicated to getting kicked in the balls by girls wearing stilettos there's a lot of weirdness in the world man you can't say men like this and women like that you can't the only thing you could do is be nice to each other that's the only thing you could do right man or women so like the reason why feminism exists the only reason why it exists is because there's an imbalance if there wasn't an imbalance

There wouldn't be this need to be extreme towards that side If it was like if men were like really kind to women and there was no dispute Then there would be there would be it would be ridiculous to have feminism Nobody would believe in it The only reason why it can exist like whether you believe in a lot of the things that they generalize or not and I don't I don't believe in the generalizations I believe there's a lot of good people out there, and I think as soon as you start lumping men

into general categories, it's just like lumping women or anyone into general categories. We're too broad in a spectrum. There's always an exception to everything. But there's too many different variables when it comes to humans interacting with each other, especially sexually. But the only reason why feminism exists at all

is because there's something wrong. If there was nothing wrong, if there was no women that were getting shit on, if there was no sexual harassment in the workplace, if there was no discrimination when it comes to employment, if none of those things existed, you couldn't make the argument. It's that simple. Nobody would buy it. The women wouldn't buy it. Nobody would join would join they'd be like what are you talking about like every men men treat women like they're themselves living another life right you know but that's not the case so when you have whether it's the men's rights guys or the feminists the reason why these groups exist is because something's wrong there's not a balance you know and there's always going to be someone that's out there in the far end of the seesaw trying to tip

it one way or the other it's but that they exist because something's going on the men's rights guys exist because there's something going on because a lot of guys do get fucked over in divorce man i've seen it i've seen some brutal shit happen to men in marriages i've seen some men that were targeted by women who were just there were financial assassins and they went after men for their money and got pregnant with these men for their money and stole money From these men. I've seen it. I know what happens. I've seen it without this the baby part I've seen I've seen people get fucked over. I've seen it happen many times That doesn't mean that the men's rights guys are right when they say stupid shit like men get raped more than women

You know, yeah, you fucking get raped by each other you dumb fuck. That's such a dumb thing to say It's just it's so it's like It's such a disingenuous argument. Are you really worried about being raped, dude? Because I don't worry about it ever. How about that? Don't go to prison. I don't worry about getting raped, man. It never comes up.

No. And I'm around UFC fighters all the time. I'm around people who actually could rape me, and it doesn't really come up. A guy says that. could rate me and it doesn't really come up i just when a guy says that if a guy was talking about divorce laws and the idea that you know someone can actually target someone and someone can extract money from them by you know by basically a conspiracy you're conspiring to rip guys off and that's what a gold digger is it's a whole professional the song's about it i mean it's not like a kind of a myth like a unicorn or something like that.

It's not a chupacabra. It's a real fucking thing. It's a category in society. Gold diggers. And, you know, that's not good either. But then there's the guys who fall for those traps. What is that? That's natural selection, you stupid fuck.

How do you not look at her and look at you and not know she's after your money? You're disgusting. Right. What do you think? It's your personality? You know, you're walking around with a fucking $10,000 watch on, driving a Ferrari, and you wonder why women want you to pay for their rent. Okay?

That's what you do, stupid. Look at him on both sides. Both sides of the fence. That's how I rock it. But, you know, I'm trying to bridge gaps here. I'm trying to bring people together. I'm trying to let feminists and men's rights advocates and everybody know that we're all just humans when i see like i was watching this thing about

atheism plus i don't know if you know what atheism is and pluses these are the people that want to attach atheism with core values like against sexual harassment racial discrimination my and they had these really long verbose speeches speeches. But my problem with that, when I was watching that, I was like, duh. Right. Duh. Essentially, that's what it is anyways. All of it.

Gay marriage, duh. Yeah. Racial discrimination, duh. Sexual discrimination, duh. All of it's duh. Yeah, it shouldn't be there. Right. Everyone should just, we should all know that.

It's like when you start railing on about it you make me want to sexually harass somebody because you're so fucking annoying and it's so obvious what you're saying it's so stupid to keep harping on shit that i say we shouldn't stab babies yes yes no stabbing babies profound yeah nobody if you don't want gay people to get married You're a fucking asshole right if you don't think that black people should have the same Rate of pay as a white person you're an asshole if you don't think black people should live in your neighborhood You're an asshole if you don't it's all nonsense It's it's so clear by this day and age that it's duh So when I see something like atheism plus and these long drawn-out

Speeches where they're mentioning all these other things that we should already agree on like where are we starting from? We starting from barbarism. Are we fucking pirates? Are we are we educating fucking horrible criminal people? It feels like yeah, it was like stop harping on this shit enough already We should literally make two countries We should saw the fucking country in half and put up a giant fence And anybody who doesn't want gay marriage Anybody who doesn't want black people Anybody who hates Asians Get over there

Stop You need to figure it out on your own Too many people have already figured it out I would say like a small island I would put like an island Just let them go and do that It might even be half the people But it's gonna be

Look my point is If you're joining Atheism Plus, Jesus fucking Christ, aren't you already there? I mean, do you really have to repeat that? I mean, how much preaching to the choir has to be done? They have to chirp on that same shit that all rational people already agree in. Saw this bitch! We'll take the left. You take the right. Go.

And we can all live in each other's spots if we want to, but let's recognize what we have over here. We have a bunch of black haters, a bunch of Jew haters, a bunch of gay bashers, all in one country. We could give them Louisiana. No, Louisiana's pretty cool.

Where should we give them? North Dakota? Give them South Dakota. Nobody even goes there. I would say Rhode Island. Yeah. Just put them out in the water. Move the South Dakota people to, like, Connecticut.

They'd be so happy. Delaware. So much fun. Delaware. There's some spots you can give them. Some upper Alaska areas. Will they have camps? That's what we should do.

Take races. Round them up and put them in camps. Make them live with polar bears. You want to know how much you're going to love black people after nine months of living with polar bears? I got an idea. Let's take everybody and put them in a camp. That's never been done before, has it? That's a good idea.

Well, clearly we have too many people that suck. It's so simple. It's just don't be an asshole. You don't need to. That's it. So simple. That's fucking it. And it really, in this day and age

It's really all that's left You know if you I mean someone can say I'm a blank to fill in the blank of the religion as soon as your religion Involves killing people that don't believe in your religion. You're an asshole It doesn't matter if you call yourself a Muslim or a Mormon or a Christian You know any Christian that believes in killing people that don't believe in Christ, right? You're missing it though, you're missing it. You're missing it completely. And what about that little voice in the side that just says,

this just doesn't feel right. Some people don't have that voice, too. They have the voice that says, eat the baby. Right, but that's a small minority of sociopaths. I'm talking about even the most hardcore Christian, deep down inside, if someone's going to murder another, you go, ah, this just doesn't feel good. If everything's going well. See, that's what the thing is, though.

The thing is, that only exists if everything's going well. If everything's going well in people's lives and they're not living a really savage existence where they're hardscrabble, trying to feed their family and their children, once that starts happening, people get really savage really quickly. Right, but what I'm saying is like a hardcore Christian, deep down inside, you know that you's not right. You shouldn't be against gay people being happy. Why don't you listen to that voice?

Yeah, but they don't know. Because if someone really believes in an ideology, okay, if you really believe in the teachings of the Bible, there are passages in the Bible that you can interpret as saying that a man should not lie with a man. Sure.

And that if a man does that, that man is against God. And then if you get really crazy about defending God's will, you might conceivably think that you're doing God's work by killing someone who happens to be gay. It's a ridiculous aspect of ideology. It's a real problem. There was a fucking crazy video that Sam Harris tweeted after he did my podcast. We talked about Islam and we talked about people that think that it's radical Islam, but it's not radical Islam. It's just some of the tenants of being a Muslim that they all believe in. Find that video. Find that video. it's Sam Harris on it's actually on Sam Harris org it's on his website he had he wrote a whole blog post about it

and then link the video and you watch it and they're talking about stoning people to death for adultery and how many people agree with it and they're all agreeing and raising their hands like no that just makes you an asshole right that just makes you an asshole try to. That just makes you an asshole. Try to find the video. It's in there somewhere. It says something. That's it right there, Islam or Islamophobia.

Now watch this. And this is fascinating because this guy is really, really confident when he's making a speech about what Muslims believe and don't believe. I mean, this is actually Islam.net. This is not a website that's designed to, like, shame the Muslims. They're very proud of what this guy's saying. It's very radical. It's really interesting. Pull it forward a little bit till you see the guy talking.

How they always attack the Muslims or Islam in particular for certain things, for example about gays they always attack us and the teachings towards this matter for example while in Christianity and in Judaism it's the same punishment that exists, it's the same punishment that exists it's haram so why they're always focusing on Islam and not Judaism or Christianity

for example also in Jerusalem for those who have been to Jerusalem and the bosses in Jerusalem for example, women sit separate than men for example so why like five minutes ago or early we were asked about why Muslims has to be sitting separate you know men women but they never ask these questions to Jews or Christians why specifically

Muslims or Islam didn't you answer this question yesterday and you said that you need to ask the media and you said that you need to ask the media yeah but he was not here but the other people were here the other people will suffer because of you the answer is very simple Islam is the truth and Christianity and Judaism and not the truth oh what a great answer could Could I give a comment regarding this topic? Oh, it's the truth. No follow-up? Watch this.

This is where it gets interesting. Yep, but you are the sheikh. You are the doctor. Yes. Masha'Allah. Can we have the camera? Can we have this camera focusing on all the audience here? Can we have this camera focusing on all the audience here? Can we have this camera focusing on all the

audience? Because every now and then, every time we have a conference, every time we invite a speaker, they always can come with the same accusations. This speaker supports death penalty for homosexuals, this speaker supports death penalty for this crime or this crime or that he is homophobic, they subjugate women etc etc etc. It's the same old stuff coming all the time and we always try to tell them I always try to tell them that look it's not that speaker that we're inviting who has these extreme radical views, as you say. These are general views that every Muslim actually has. Every Muslim believes in these things.

Just because they're not telling you about it or just because they're not out there in the media doesn't mean they don't believe in them. telling you about it, just because they're not out there in the media doesn't mean they don't believe in them. So I will ask you, everyone in the room, how many of you are normal Muslims? You're not extremist, you're not radical, just normal Sunni Muslims. Please raise your hands. Everybody, mashallah, subhanallah. Okay, take down your hands again. How many of you agree that men and women should sit separate?

Please raise your hands. They're all raising their hands, by the way, except for one badass motherfucker in the front row that keeps his arms crossed. Everyone agree. Now it gets really weird. Brothers and sisters, subhanallah. So it's not just these radical sheikhs then. Allahu Akbar. Everyone agree. Now it gets really weird. Subhanallah. It's not just these radical sheikhs then. Allahu Akbar. Next question.

How many of you agree that the punishments described in the Quran and the Sunnah, whether it is death, whether it is stoning for adultery, whatever it is, if it is from Allah and His Messenger,

that is the best punishment ever possible for humankind. And that is what we should apply in the world. Who agrees with that? Everyone raises their hand. 4,000 people. Allahu Akbar. Are you all radical extremists? And they're all laughing. So all of you are saying that you are common Muslims. You all go to the different masajis in Norway.

Or is it, are you like a specific sect? Like the Islam, that sect or anything like that? Are you like that? No. Are you like that? Please raise your hand if you're like this extreme extreme Islam, sect or anything like that. No one raises their hand. Allahu Akbar.

How many of you just go to this normal masajids in the normal Sunni mosques? Please raise your hands. Everyone raises their hands. Allahu Akbar. So what's the politicians gonna say now? What's the media gonna say now? What is the media going to say now? That we're all extremists? We're all radicals?

We need to deport all of us from this country? Subhanallah. Allahu Akbar. Takbir! Takbir! Okay, okay, kill it. Amazing. Yeah, but is it just because that group in particular

is going to a huge church and then they're all just like, yes, we believe. Are these just normal people? No, what he's saying is in the Quran, those are the punishments that are for homosexuality,

for adultery. Those are the punishments. You're supposed to be killed. And they're saying that every Muslim agrees with this. Everyone, at least in that group of 4,000 people, agrees with that man. Whether or not that carries over to larger groups or whether or not people have a more moderate view.

That's a small group. The bottom, eh, that's small, bro. It's not the whole country, though. I know, but everyone in the group agreed. It's a weird thing when you can get that many people and they're all raising their hands and throwing rocks at people until they die. But if you go to one of our ministries, like the guys that always ask for money,

and there's big groups of people, the churches that you have on late-night TVs. Ministers. Yeah. Right, ministries. Yeah. If you see one of those, and he did the same thing, and then all those people might be like that also. You know what I mean?

Is it all like-minded people drawn together in one place? Could be. Yeah, it could be. But I think the difference being is that he's citing very specific passages in the religion

that deal with crimes and punishments and that, you know, they're agreeing on murder. Oh, yeah. Basically. Because it's the truth. Yeah, because it's the truth. It's just the truth. Yeah, because it's the truth.

It's just the truth. That becomes a problem. Yeah. That's not just simply whether or not you think that other people should believe what you believe, but you believe if two guys fuck each other, they should throw rocks at them until they die.

If you look at this group, if you really look at the people, they're all young people. They all look like Call of Duty players, actually. I don't even see one old person over the age of 20, 30. Well, it's kind of hard to see, quite honestly. You see some people in the front row, but everything back behind that gets really blurry. You don't really see how closely, you know, see a close up of their faces. But the front row, yeah, definitely young people. I think a lot of like, you know, radical religions, they find people that are looking for guidance, you know, and they find people that are looking for guidance you know and they find people that are looking for some sort of a

clear pattern there's something about like that guy talking okay he was so confident that everyone was going to raise their hand along with him yeah and the things that he was saying there's a there's this like appeal to like being a part of that. You know, there's like this, this is, you're drawn to the idea of being a part of this crazy group that is so down for what they believe that they think that you should kill people with rocks if they don't follow some old, old writing. There's something appealing about that. It becomes something like you,

you become like a part of like some bad-ass group. If you join up with that, you become like a serious person who really believes in God. It appeals to a weird aspect of the human psyche. What's that song that's playing in the background? I don't hear anything.

Something from someone's laptop or something leaking over. It's a soundtrack to Islam.net. Yeah. Yeah, what was that? It's just to freak out white people. They probably don't even like that music. We want to freak them out.

It's like a televangelist is what I was trying to think of earlier. That's what it seemed like. Did it look like they were all on board with that, though? Because there was a lot of hesitation, it seemed like, on some of their faces. Well, that dude in the right-hand corner with his arms crossed... Yeah, that motherfucker never...

That guy never raised his hands. Right. He's just looking at the ground, too. He looks pretty Russian. But a lot of them were kind of laughing a little bit, like they weren't even...

Like, I don't know if we do 100% believe this. Well, I don't know about that. I think you guys are looking into that. When that dummy to the right said, because Islam is the truth.

The truth. It's that simple. And Christianity and Judaism are not the that. When that dummy to the right said, because Islam is the truth. The truth. It's that simple. And Christianity and Judaism are not the truth. Very nice. You shut up, you dummy. You're just trying to get friends. You don't have any friends. You want friends to be on your side.

You're old. You're old and you're pretending that makes sense. You don't have anybody that talks to you. If you get that stupid beard and pair of glasses and a fucking blazer on like you're a college professor and you say that in front of a group of people and don't know that it sounds retarded you don't have any friends did you know that there's an oculif riff porn now and it's connected to like a fleshlight device and then you just sit there and you get i heard what is the guy seeing he's

seeing a an anime character that he's fucking and that's wow. That's so crazy. The more he fucks her, the more he, like... That's so ridiculous. And it's very South Park-like anime. Ew, I don't want to see that guy's dick. I'm just...

I know that you're going to see some bass. Bass. How low can you go? Yeah. It's a matter of time before they have a robot that fucks you. Yeah yeah i wonder if it'll

be that first or it'll be like the new thing that motorola came up with have you seen this it's a patent for a tattoo that they're going to tattoo a microphone on your voice box like some sort of electronic tattoo so they're going to literally, they're going to start implanting microphones on people's necks. And with that, you're going to be able to talk directly to the device without any distortion or sound. These aren't the droids we're looking for. Yeah, exactly. That's how it starts.

I mean, this is how it starts. That's exactly how it starts. It's more like by your command. It would be cool for people that have problems talking, like with throat cancer or something like that. No, it won't. It won't have any bearing on it. It's not a voice box. It'd be cool for people that have problems talking, you know, like with throat cancer or something like that. No, it won't. It won't have any bearing on it.

Yeah, it's not a voice box. It's just to the computer chip. Yeah, it's just a microphone. It's only a microphone. See, they're going to tattoo that shit gangster style on your neck like an Ethan Hawke movie.

Like an Ethan Hawke movie back when girls wanted to fuck him. He probably did a few of these movies back when he was still kind of cute. Now he's like a dad.

He's a dad in a horror movie a lot. In every horror movie. He was a cutie. He was a cute, smart guy. He was going to rescue you because you have that tattoo on your neck and it starts glowing. So it means your life tokens are up or something. Did I just make a plot for a new hit? Someone call Michael Bay.

It's a great idea. Are you going to go see Thor? Oh, yeah. I would love to see Thor. I love those movies. I was a huge Marvel Comics fan growing up, so I see every one of those fucking things. Iron Man, Thor, what have you. I enjoyed Iron Man 3.

I thought it was kind of interesting. It wasn't as good as Iron Man 2, but it's still a good ride. Same thing with Wolverine. I love the new Wolverine. I thought it was great. It wasn't as good as the last one, but it was all right. You thought Origins was better than this new one? Yeah. I thought it was. I thought that one

with the bones coming out of his knuckles. Come on. But the Avengers. The Hulk scene alone for the Avengers was worth the price of admission. They have the Hulk down. For the longest time they used to have to get a dude pretending to be the Hulk. That was bullshit.

But now they can CGI the shit out of the Hulk. It's the only thing that works with CGI better than it works in real life. Because the Hulk is supposed to be this freakish thing that doesn't even look remotely like a person. It's not supposed to be a body builder. The new one, the new Hulk, is

the shit, dude. Yeah, I was worried about that at first because I kind of liked Edward Norton playing it and then I saw, and he fucking knocked it out of the park. It was awesome. Edward Norton can suck it. After you see the new one, yeah. It's over, bitch. What's the guy's name?

Mark Ruffalo. Mark Ruffalo. Yeah, he's way better. He nailed it. He's way better. I believe that he's going to turn into the Hulk. That scene when he goes, the trick is I'm always angry. Yeah, I believe it.

It's the best fucking scene of the movie. I believe that that dude's just barely keeping it together. And when he turns, man, it's fucking fantastic. But I didn't buy Scarlett Johansson surviving that. Bitch, please. All you got is some fucking flippy moves. You got some gymnastics. You got the Hulk chasing you, running through walls,

and you just manage to survive. Have you been watching S.H.I.E.L.D.? Suspension of disbelief. Have you been watching Agents of SHIELD on NBC? No, is it any good? Or whatever channel it's on. I'm watching many shows, dude. But that one guy is in the show, the one that died in the Avengers.

Carlson. Yeah, how the fuck? He died in the Avengers? Yeah, I remember. They make you think he does. They give you like the playing card or something, right? With blood on it? That's right.

Yeah, I don't know. They can do whatever the fuck they want. They bring people back with time machines and shit. It's comic books. You believe in Thor? You believe in really Thor? I was just about to say that. A guy came from another planet,

and our problem is there's a guy that maybe died. Man, I'm not buying this. This fucking show is over. I buy that little skinny scientist guy can become a huge, hulking, 8,000-pound green man. But not Scarlett Johansson doing backflips. Yeah, I don't buy that. The Hulk can fly through the air, green man. But not Scarlett Johansson doing backflips. Yeah, I don't buy that. The Hulk can fly through the air,

but he can't catch Scarlett Johansson as she does gymnastics to get away from him. He literally can leaf like a bullet through the air, and he can't catch her. Bitch. Continuity, you fucks. How about a little continuity? How about write something that makes more sense

and don't have that scene? Asshole. I thought the best shit was Captain America and Iron Man duking it out. In the woods? Upset with each other. Well, it was Iron Man and Captain America they were talking shit to each other. Remember? It was Thor and Captain America

Thor and Iron Man went to war. Right? But Captain America and Iron Man were talking war, right? But Captain America and Iron Man were talking shit to each other. Because Captain America was like, yeah, see who you are without that machine. He's like, bitch, you're on steroids. Captain America was like

a little skinny guy. They gave him the super roids and bam! Come on, son. This is a stupid fucking argument we're having here. That was a great scene. Those are good movies, man. They're fun. They're stupid. They're fun. And when they're over,. That was a great scene. Those are good movies, man. They're fun. They're stupid. They're fun.

And when they're over, you feel like a boy again. Right. You feel like you just watched something retarded. Nobody cried. You didn't have to fucking explain yourself afterwards. Well, I felt like she was being unfair to him because his whole thing. There's that something you have to interpret. Yeah.

Not interested. Shit got blown up. Yeah. Women like to interpret films after they're over. Guys like to try to fuck you, which they do. We take you to a movie. We're just trying to give you something fun to do before we fuck you. That's very nice of us.

Or at least try to fuck you. I mean, maybe you want to see it. Is Bad Grandpa good? That looks good. I heard that was amazing. Is it funny? Yeah. Everyone that saw it said it was amazing.

It looks fucking hilarious. It does look fucking hilarious. A lot of it in columbus ohio was filmed too by the way fun fact really yep it's a lot of dumb people in ohio they don't realize that's johnny maxwell like what are you retarded they haven't even gotten the first jackass yet yeah if you don't know he looks that's the amazing thing they can do now with makeup. Even back when Jamie Kennedy had that show, the Jamie Kennedy experience, the makeup was a little sketchy. You had to be kind of gullible to fall for it, but now he looks like an old guy, man. It's perfect.

I would really like to see it in person. You know what I mean? Have you ever seen that kind of makeup on somebody? Yeah, I have. I saw when kevin james was doing uh here comes the boom they made him up like he got the shit kicked out of him dude i believed it totally believed it he looked like a guy who just got beat up they gave him like welts they put him cuts and it was it was amazing they can make you look pretty fucked up and they can you know they can do some pretty amazing shit, like with making you look old, especially.

You can't make an old guy look young. You got to do that with, like, special effects. But you can make a young guy look old pretty easy. That would be cool if they can make old guys look young. It never looks right. It never looks right in the movies when they do that. This thing that I've been doing for my back, this Regino Keen. And anybody, if you have, if anybody has a back injury and,

uh, like a bulging disc situation, my bulging disc has completely gone away. And, uh, I just found this out through MRIs. I had a six millimeter bulging disc in my neck that was numbing my fingers and through spinal decompression, which is this thing where it pulls on your neck and straightens, like it extends your discs and they draw back in. And you do it slowly over a long period of time. A lot of stretching, changing my diet, a lot of rolfing and all that stuff. And something called prolozone therapy, which is prolotherapy, which strengthens ligaments and tendons. And it's mixed with ozone, which helps you heal.

Just doing all that stuff, my disc has completely stopped swelling. It's gone down to where it looks like a normal disc now, which is crazy. That means six millimeters went back in. And I didn't do jiu-jitsu for more than six months, so I knew that I wasn't – I just gave myself the time. I was still able to work out in a lot of ways, but I knew that if I got my neck yanked on again, it would probably go right back. Are you going to go back to jujitsu, you think?

Yeah, definitely. But now this Reginokine stuff that I've been doing is this thing that they developed in Germany, and it's this blood spinning procedure. They take your blood, and then they introduce it to heat, and the heat makes your blood grow like white blood cells, I believe. And then they spin it in a centrifuge, and they draw this yellow liquid out of it that turns out to be like the most potent Anti-inflammatory drug known to man your own body makes it your blood makes it they figure this shit out in Germany And they do it in Santa Monica now

But the guy in Germany has figured out a way to they're very close to being able to give you an injection that Restarts your body's production of collagen, which is what gives people wrinkles. So when old dudes get wrinkles or old women get wrinkles, this will let your body restart its collagen production, and your wrinkles in your face will start to disappear. Wow. They are two years away from curing wrinkles. It's incredible. Nice.

Fuck cancer. We got wrinkles down. That's how vain we are as a country they're gonna have a lot of things down you're still gonna die but you're gonna look great they cure a lot of fucking cancer now man a lot of cancer when they pull this out of you when they pull it they just inject it back in they they spin it in a centrifuge and there's if you go to uh if you just look up the regeno keen i think it's r-e-G-E-N-O-K-I-N-E, they explain the process. I think it has a different name in Germany.

It's called Orthokine or something like that. But basically, it's a blood spinning procedure. It's not like platelet-rich plasma. It's different. And it's getting your blood to react to heat. And then they spin it and they withdraw the stuff out of it. And people with arthritis, people that have, like, serious injuries. Peyton Manning started his football career.

Like, he was, like, almost retiring. He had two neck surgeries. Went to that dude in Germany. Bam. Playing football like a champ now. So many, I know several MMA athletes that have gone over there. The place in Santa Monica and the place in Germany. They got their knees fixed. People with, I know several MMA athletes that have gone over there, the place in Santa Monica and the place in Germany, get their knees fixed. People with like serious arthritis, they

get shot with this stuff. And within a week, they have this incredible range of motion that they haven't had in years. It's amazing stuff. These doctors are so fucking smart, man. There's just like every year they're figuring out some new thing and every year they're making people healthier fixing injuries i keep hearing that sound i think it's outside it's not it's not coming through um the microphone it's coming through outside somewhere yeah i think it might be like a ups truck thing maybe squeaky wheels but it's just it's so incredible when you see all the different shit. Did you see that thing where a guy in a 3D printer made an artificial hand for his son?

No. Yeah. Yeah, for like $10. That's awesome. Wow. They also figured out a way to make the first functional gun in a metal 3D printer. They made a metal 3D printer and they made a pistol and fired off 50 rounds of this pistol. That's scary, though.

Fuck, yeah. That's fucking terrifying. It's all crazy. Is this the hand that this guy had? He created this? It's a good looking $10 hand. It's hard to see what that is it's good boy hand it's his hand is holding that object handy never had that's the metal

things are his fingers Wow yeah he's holding something like a pipe or something but we're really close I met a guy in New York when I was doing that see if you can click on that link and show the video I met a guy in New York when I was doing that. See if you can click on that link and show the video. I met a guy in New York when we were doing that sci-fi show that had a complete artificial hand. Look at that. Ten bucks? Amazing. Made it with a fucking digital printer. It cost me $50 to get headshots printed at Kinko's the other day.

Headshots. Headshots. This guy got a fucking hand. Headshots Headshots This guy got a fucking hand Headshots are hilarious This one guy In Australia Got his leg And his arm

Bitten off by a shark And he got a new Artificial arm And an artificial leg These robotic Bionic carbon fiber arms Wow And legs

That's great And he walks around dude With no limp It's the weirdest shit ever Let's see if we can find this A man Gets Artificial limbs Great, and he walks around, dude, with no limp. It's the weirdest shit ever. Let's see if we can find this. A man gets artificial limbs after bitten off by a shark. Let's see if we can find this. Yeah, giant shark.

Ooh, nope, killed. Kills South African German tourists on life support after losing arm in Hawaii while there's a lot of fucking people get killed by sharks dude bionic leg helps shark attack victim walk is that it no No, that ain't it. This is it. Matt Lauer. To what is being called the world's first bionic man. We're going to check him out in action in just a minute, but first, how the bionic man came to be. No way.

What the fuck? That's not right. Matt Lauer's the bionic man. That was creepy. Oh, 100% bionic man? That was creepy. Oh, 100% bionic man. That's kind of interesting. It's a nearly bionic man assembled from prosthetics and artificial parts already in real use in real people. We might change what it means to be human.

Artificial heart, artificial trachea, artificial bionic hands, artificial eyesight, implantable kidney, artificial blood, bionic exoskeleton, restoring walking ability to people who are paralyzed. 28 different parts in all together for the first time. Berthold Meyer, a Swiss social psychologist, hosts an upcoming special on the project. That's crazy. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah, we're only a few hundred years away from not being able to tell whether or not a person's a robot.

Yep. In 200 years? I think, I'm not, that's not even a conservative gamble. 200 years is, it's probably not even 100, really. Right. When I say 200 years, I mean, that's like, that's 100%, right? If we don't blow ourselves up, 200 years from now. Right, yeah, if we make it to 200 years.

They're already living among us, guys. You think? Yes. Just think about 200 years ago, slavery was legal. Right. You know? Wrap your head around that. Could you imagine what we're going to see when we're super old?

Like, what we're going to tell our kids and grandkids? 200 years ago, no photographs. Nope. No cars. Slavery is legal. You're riding around animals like an asshole. You have a horse. You take your stupid, stinky horse everywhere and you have to tie it up.

It shits all over the place. You know what outer space was? You don't know what the fuck that is. It's a bunch of fucking gods up there It shits all over the place. You know what outer space was. You don't know what the fuck that is. It's a bunch of fucking gods up there lighting candles. Yeah, nobody knew. 200 years ago, it's so long ago when you think of like if you had to go back in time and live like people lived 200 years ago, it would suck a fat one. It wouldn't even be a little fun.

Everybody would die. Every time the flu comes into town, all your best friends are dead. Dead. Dead. You don't live. You get an infection, dead. You just got to survive at that point. 200 years later, we're talking about 200 years from now where there's robots that you literally can't tell if it's a person or a robot.

Right. For sure, right? 100%. And no wrinkles. I think they're already here. Do you think that robot prostitutes would be the first market? Oh, yeah. Probably, right? 100%. And no wrinkles. I think they're already here. Do you think that robot prostitutes will be the first market? Oh, yeah. Probably, right? If violence or sex.

How much blowback do you think there will be with robot prostitutes? Will women draw a line in the sand that fucking robot is a cheating thing? I'm sure they'll find a way to justify that. Yeah, when will it come? Okay, let's say, what if the robot looks like this alien head? Doesn't look remotely like a person. Looks fake as fuck. The robot looks like this.

By the way, that one that you sent me the other, or today, or last night, that's amazing. Same guy. Wow. Yeah, that was crazy. Yeah, that's a zombie that he made for us. I can't wait to see that in person. Can normal people order these? Does he have a website?

Well, I'll find out. I'll find out what his deal is. His name is Francisco Hernandez, and he's in L.A. He's an L.A. guy. But he made me this fucking dope-ass zombie that's coming here in this week. Yeah. Yeah, it's so cool to just be able to get artists to create shit for us. It's so cool. just be able to get artists to create shit for us. It's so cool.

So many different things. I got to bring the gorilla in the werewolf fucking the gorilla in the ass. I still have that at home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy just shows up at the fucking ice house. I'm like, what is this? I open it up. It's a fucking werewolf fucking a gorilla in the ass.

It's the greatest. Because of an idea that I had, a dream I had once. It was a werewolf and a gorilla having sex, and I was trying to creep around the outside of the room so they didn't notice and get out of there. That dude made me the Death Squad cat, but he has a huge hog, like a big dick. That dude's a freak.

He's awesome. That dude's a freak. So back to what you were saying. So something as ugly as like they would still get mad if we had sex with it yeah that's what I'm saying if it gets to like

if it looks like a fake thing women probably would be like treat it like a fleshlight right but as it gets closer and closer

to a real person like if it looks like Robbie the Robot from Lost in Space danger danger you can stick your dick in that no one's gonna to say anything.

Would they let you print out a face of her, though? So if it looks just like your wife. Yeah, but then why would you want to do that? Come home, her face is covered in seven inches of cum. You never clean it. You just keep shooting on her face. And she's like, what are you doing? Are you trying to drown me?

Is this like some passive-aggressive shit? Right. Trying to drown me and cum? Or you're married to a brunette, and you come home, and the robot's blonde. Yeah. And that's when she just freaks the fuck out. You come home, you're Drown Me and Come. Or you're married to a brunette and you come home and the robot's blonde. Yeah. And that's when she just freaks the fuck out. You come home, you're putting blackface on your robot.

Your wife is like, what the fuck do you really want? She's like, I knew it. Did you know a teacher got fired in Toronto because he dressed up like Mr. T for Halloween and put blackface on? Yeah. Well, you can't be Mr. T without it. How the fuck? That is so dumb yeah that you would a guy has a mr t outfit on and you he's not allowed to darken his skin what kind of bullshit

pc world are we living in somebody in san diego got the same thing happened because he dressed up as a bobsled team member and a bobsled team member actually said oh no that's funny i like but all look i'm gonna take the opposite on this. All sympathies to that. But if you're a teacher and you know how sensitive people are, when you're pulling your Mr. T costume out of the closet, you've got to go, you know what, I probably shouldn't do this. Yeah, but your mayor smokes crack and wants to

kill Mike Tyson. Yeah, no kidding. As you're applying backface as a teacher, you should go, yeah, this is probably not going to sit well with people. Assholes. I love Toronto. Toronto's the shit. Toronto is the shit.

It's an amazing, amazing city. It's really crazy because it's like a city, but yet it's also like a bunch of really nice people. It's almost like small towny. It's very strange. I think it's one of the rare cities in this country that has a very unique vibe of its own. Vancouver has a vibe of its own as well. Montreal has a vibe of its own as well. Very great vibe too. Montreal is a great comedy town. But Toronto, I think it's my favorite city in Canada. Me too. There's just something special about that place. I would move there even though

it's cold as fuck. That's how much I love Toronto like if shit got weird I don't know if I'd live in Vancouver I think I might live in Vancouver but Vancouver even though it doesn't get cold it gets like a lot of rainy and shit and Toronto's pretty dope

and it's got a great comedy community as well yeah Toronto's got a sweet it's a lot of a lot of comics there Joey Diaz what the fuck? Don't put me on speakerphone.

I have something to tell you. Can't be calling me in the middle of a podcast, Joey. How dare you? I just noticed we have the exact same phone, but yours is black with a white case, and mine's white with a black case. Want to swap cases? You want a black case? You want a white case?

Oh, no. I wanted to contrast it. Oh, you're crazy. I like the white case because I can see it. Because I would put the black case down. Everything's black. Black leather. Black.

Yeah. I don't see it as much. I like it. I got this because they didn't have the black. But then once I ordered the black in the mail, I put the black on. I said, you know what? I like the white better. Yeah.

But that case is the perfect case. It's kind of cool, too, when you close it. Like the window on the outside of it. Yeah. It shows the... It makes a window. Yeah, it does a weird thing. You have things like camera access.

Yeah. You just access your camera. There's so much more you can do with these Droid phones than with an iPhone. I mean, it's a big goddamn difference. I'm about to jump over. Yeah. Yeah, I hate my iPhone. Well, I don't hate the iPhone.

It's just too small. The screen is just... When you compare, I don't hate the iPhone. It's just too small. The screen is just, when you compare it even to the Galaxy S4, it's just too small. Just need to catch up. They need to catch up. I don't think they're going to. One of the other reasons why I wanted to try a Droid out is because when I'm honest and I look at it, I think Apple makes the greatest computers on earth. I don't see myself switching from the Apple laptops. I've tried Windows. I think they're too vulnerable. I know Mac is

vulnerable as well. I don't think it's as vulnerable. And I just think it's higher quality. I think they work better. If I was on a budget, fuck yeah, I'd get a laptop from Windows. I'd get like a Lenovo or something like that. There's some good brands. But if you can afford it, Apple's are better. But then I see all the different people that are working on phones, and I go, you know what? I don't see it with phones anymore. With phones, I see too many companies that are working on Android. Too many.

There's too much competition. They're constantly innovating. They're constantly cranking out new phones. They have new features. They have new camera megapixels. What is this megapixel in this fucking camera? I don't know. They have new features. They have new camera megapixels. What is this megapixel in this fucking camera? I don't know.

It's pretty good. Some insane 12 or some shit like that. I don't even know what it is. I do think I like the iPhone's camera a lot better, though. Do you? Yeah, after using it a lot. Do you fuck with the settings, though?

Well, I have iPhone 5S, and the camera, they have a really nice lens in this one. Better? Yeah, it's way better than the... I've been taking test shoots and stuff like that. Still better, I think. That's too bad.

Why don't they come out with a bigger fucking phone? I would go back. It's coming. Cunt bags. I bet it's coming. Dirty bitches. Get it together. I actually talked to somebody that knows...

Their friend works for Apple. You're going to get him fired. I don't know the person in real life. I was just talking to him, and he's like, yeah, he's saying how just sad it is right now at Apple. Oh, really?

It's just like everyone that even works there is kind of not just excited. Yeah. Yeah, he's dead. When a guy like Steve Jobs is not alive anymore, things are going to get weird. That guy was like a primal force.

He was like a force of nature. I mean, the guy literally lived and breathed that company. And when a guy like that, I mean, he only took like a dollar in salary every year. I mean, he was like a maniac, you know? He lived for that fucking company. And everybody says that he was a cunt and like he would yell at employees and shit.

But could you imagine if you were like an incredibly obsessed motherfucker and your employees were just regular people just going to work? You're like, yeah, I ain't got to cut it. Right. You know, you got to be obsessed like me. I'm like, God's an asshole. And he is an asshole. You know, if people are having a job, they shouldn't have to work 90 hours a week. Okay.

But there's some companies that demand crazy shit like that. And then eventually employees wake up and go, what the fuck am I doing? Speaking of which, Cliffy B's coming on the podcast. Yay!

He'll be on soon. Speaking of free agents. There's an app that I don't want to talk about. Don't talk about it then, bitch. All right. Put his picture up on the screen. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Got it. All right. Off the air, I want to tell you about it., bitch. Put his picture up on the screen. What the fuck is wrong with you? What's wrong with it? Everyone else is going to talk about it very soon, so I don't know if we should even wait. What's the issue? It's just one of these apps that as a guy you can't use, but girls can, and I've been trying to hack the system, like make

Facebook pages and all this stuff just so I can be able to access it. Oh, I know what able to access it. Oh, I know what you're talking about. I know exactly what you're talking about. We'll talk about this afterwards. I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying. It's really bad.

Yeah. Okay. Justin Foster, what has the process been like of moving from Dallas to LA? And was there any hiccups along the way? It was just frustrating at first. Because, I mean, like moving as a comic,

because, you know, when you're in a place for so long and you're used to regular stage time, you're used to doing, you know, and then you come here and it's like, and, you know, first it's like two minutes at a coffee shop and then waiting around two hours to do three minutes. So that was kind of frustrating, you know what I mean? Because I wanted to be up more, I guess. But after but then after a while you okay this is the spots that you hit and everything did you feel like was there any

point in time where you felt like you know what i'm just fucking spinning my wheels i gotta get back to texas i gotta get back to texas and try to no there was a couple of times when i came really close money wise i'm like fuck I'm running out of money and I don't want to be homeless but then something would come up and I felt that there was more

of a challenge here because you do have to start over I believe as a comic anywhere else in the country when you come to LA you have to start unless you're already

established TV and shit which I'm not you have to start over from the beginning and I kind of hated slash enjoyed that yeah even when I was on TV when I came here I was already on TV and I kind of hated slash enjoyed that. Yeah. Even when I was on TV, when I came here,

I was already on TV and I had a audition at the store. I didn't get passed. I was a non-paid regular for a few months and then I finally got a paid regular status and I got like late night spots. But yeah, you gotta pay your dues, man. I didn't give a shit if you had a sitcom.

No one gives a fuck how long you've been doing it in what other town. If you're not doing it in LA, you're not really doing it. Yeah. Yeah. It's a different thing. It's also, there's so many people out here. They can't other town. If you're not doing it in L.A., you're not really doing it. Yeah, yeah. It's a different thing. It's also there's so many people out here, they can't just trust you that you're good.

Right. You know? Yeah. It's just too many. I mean, you're going to go up at the comedy store or the laugh factory. There's going to be 10 guys that have been on movies, TV shows, and back to back to back to back to back, and all doing 15 minutes, you know?

And you want your 15 minutes? You've got to earn that shit. Right, exactly. And so it's easy to get frustrated at first and go, oh, fuck this, I'm going back home. But then everybody I talked to was like, you've just got to fight through all that shit. How long have you been here now?

Almost two. Two years. You've got to do one of our Ice House shows. I'd love to. I love that place. Yeah, we'll probably do one not this Wednesday coming up, but next Wednesday. Cool.

Most likely, if I got the time. Can I bring up the new show that I'm doing at the Ice House? Yeah. It's really exciting. It's this new show called Thunder Pussy that I do. Of course it is. It's called Thunder Pussy? Yeah.

Who are you doing it with? Jeremiah Watkins, a very funny comic. He's been doing this show for a while in Hollywood, and I got to do it once. And I'm like, we need to make this big. What we do is we take seven comics, and then we all go up on stage, and people from the audience yell out things like, microwave. And then we kind of have to try to just make up comedy on the spot. But it's a live podcast also, so it's one of the first, because comics have been asking me for a while, or people have been asking me for a while to put a podcast up that shows stand-up comedy, and it's like no one wants to throw their material away like that.

So this is a perfect way for comics to go on stage and kind of show their improv skills and they don't care if it's online. And I've been getting a lot of new material from it, from doing it. I've got two new bits off just people yelling shit out. Airline food, got it!

That totally makes sense. I used to do that, like, I used to do that after shows. I used to do Q&As. But the problem with that is, like, you've already done, like, an hour and 10 minutes of actual comedy, and then trying to make some funny out of the Q&A. Like, sometimes it would be a drop-off. They'd be like, crushing, crushing, you know, everything was laugh, laugh, laugh. And then question and answer was, like, dragged out and weird, and you didn't know how to end it. Then you ended it, and people were like, oh, is that, everything was laugh, laugh, laugh. And then question and answer was like dragged out and weird. And you didn't know how to end it.

Then you ended it and people went, oh, is that good? I don't know. It was great for an hour and 10 minutes. And then it just became, you know. You'd be fucking good at that, Joe. Yeah, I would do it. I'll definitely do it. When do you guys do it?

What night do you do it? Usually it's Friday. We have Ice House Chronicles, you know. But now we're doing every other Friday we're doing Thunder Pussy. But we'll do it whenever you want to do it.'re doing every other Friday we're doing Thunder Pussy. So, but we'll do it whenever you want to do it. Yeah, I don't know if Friday

will ever work. Like a lot of times Friday I'm either I'm working or, but we'll do it one day eventually. But, I'm going to do it

so high I can't talk. Yeah, that's how I do it. I get so drunk and stoned and then I just go crazy and it's fun because I've gotten so much,

it's a fun show, man. Yeah, it seems like the place to put yourself when you know you don't have an act to remember, that'd be the perfect place to put yourself.

No stress. And knowing you're only going to be up there for like five minutes or ten minutes or whatever the fuck it is. And if you fuck up, it's like,

well, you guys should've picked something better to yell out. Yeah, and if you fuck up, that's exactly right. This is on y'all. Yeah. Well, you can have some fun times doing that with the right crowds, too,

especially if the crowd develops a feel for it. And who's the kid who you do it with again? Jeremiah Watkins, very funny guy. Where's he from? He's got a strong background. I believe he's from California, but he's got a strong improv background. Yeah, he was on my podcast last week. Oh, really?

Oh, yeah, what's your podcast? You've got a podcast, too? Everyone's got a podcast. I figured there wasn't enough comics in L.A. doing podcasts. Yeah, there was on my podcast like last week. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, what's your podcast? You've got a podcast too? Everyone's got a podcast. I figured there wasn't enough comics in LA doing podcasts. Yeah, there's no one. You're amazing. How'd you figure out how to do it? I just figured it was an untapped market.

What's it called? Foster the Podcast. Foster the Podcast. That's a kind of double entendre. Yeah, it's basically just people come on and tell like a really quick, awful story that most of them aren't comfortable with telling. That's all it is? Yeah. Oh, that's funny.

It's like 15 to 20 minutes. Why do you always do that? It just entertains. It's funny to see and hear shit because you think, oh, I've heard everything, and then somebody else will come on and you're like, oh, okay, I haven't. Do you worry that you're going to run out of people coming up with crazy stories though no not in this town

not in this fucking town not in this town plus if people find out there's a venue for something like that yeah foster the podcast so they're real quick ones

yeah I think the longest one was like 30 minutes that's great beautiful so yeah we'll get you on a nice house chronicle

I remember you were really funny when we saw you in Texas. Oh, thanks. You don't suck now, do you? No, no, actually. Did you get better? I've actually gotten better, yeah. And that's another thing being out here, too. It makes you better.

Yeah. Well, you've got to be inspired when you're out here. There's so many great comics. Well, you can get comfortable doing the same set all over and over and then kind of moving to a new place. Like, all right, I've got to step it up a little bit. You can get comfortable at any time. Fuck yeah. I'm constantly terrified of that.

It's important. Like, whenever I do something, after it's done, I fucking hate it. Because I'm on to the next thing. I'm hypercritical about it. Like, get it away from me. And then move on to the next one. And that motivates me every time

to make the next one better. Whether I get there or not, arguable. Sometimes it's just like you got to figure out what topics have the most juice in them. You might have a lot of material, but there's topics that just don't have the same. People are just not as interested in as other ones. And you find one that really hits a high interest level, and then you could juice it up with big laughs too. It's got a bunch of things going on.

People are excited that you're talking about it, and then it's got a lot of funny laughs. And then there's other ones you're trying to convince people of. Where you feel like it's forced. Yeah, sometimes. And sometimes I think they're funny, but other people don't see my sense of humor. It's not as fucked up as me or whatever it is.

I drag them through this dark alley that they don't want to go to after I send them down this beautiful flower-filled road for half an hour. Then I'm like, hey, take a left with me. They're like, oh. Yeah, let's talk about child molestation in TV commercials. What? Look, the baby. He has a beard.

He's driving a car with a grown woman. What do you think is happening here? Yeah, there's a, but stand-up comedy is just such a fucking open-ended thing. It's one of my favorite parts about it. You never know where your next idea is going to come from. You never know where your, you know, your next big bit's going to come from, what it's going to be about. Right.

Do you write, like, as far as, like, stand-up, do you write like as far as like stand up do you write stand up in joke form or do you write blogs and post stand about no ad lib shit i still do like pen and paper in the morning at the coffee shop right you know writing i try to go backwards of stuff because when you first start i feel it's like joke joke joke joke and then after a while you're like okay now i can actually go back and revisit some things and put into joke form. Right. That was a little, you know, people didn't really want to hear in the beginning. Yeah, yeah.

Sometimes you have like a good premise, but your skills are so shitty. Right. You can't turn that good premise into a bit. Right. Like I'm doing something now. Like when I was young, I was in a mental hospital for depression. If I would have tried to do that bit a year in, it would have... You know what I mean?

Especially if you tried to do it in Texas. Right. And now... Oh, you were depressed. You couldn't suck enough dick. Where? Where? How much dick you suck when you're in that hospital?

And then now, it's like, well, I'm just open with it because I don't give a fuck anymore. You open with that? I did the other night. Wow. It's like, oh, here it is. Here's the thing. Wow. Why were you in a mental hospital? I was just severely depressed. How old were you? I was the other night. Wow. It's like, oh, here it is. Here's a thing. Wow. Why were you

in a mental hospital? I was just severely depressed. How old were you? I was like 13, 14. Wow. Yeah. Damn. It's just real.

Yeah. But trying to talk about the beginning, people would never go along with it. And now you're like, okay, it's okay now. Here's this thing.

Did you know then that you wanted to be a stand-up? My mom tells this story and I don't remember this, but when I was in second grade, I was like an awful fucking student, and the teacher was like, if he doesn't get it together, the only job he's going to be able to do is like a stand-up comedian.

Bam. Yeah. Perfect. So I guess deep down, yeah, maybe by default. I don't know. That's the worst motivation ever. If he doesn't get it together, he's going to have the greatest job in the history of the world. Right.

He's going to sleep in whenever he wants, fuck and drink every night. Right. You're going to have fun. You're going to make people laugh in a way that very few people ever get to experience in their life. And you're going to get to do it twice a night on the weekends. And never have a 9 to 5 for you. People don't know.

I just did Edmonton, this River Creek Casino. It's like 1,800 people mobbed. The laughs that come off of 1,800 people when they're howling and you're killing, it's electric. You get goosebumps on your goosebumps. You're invincible.

You feel great and they feel great. You feel like it's a good exchange. You're happy that they're laughing. It's an honest, happy exchange. You get to make it all happen. They're sitting down there and they're watching and you get to make it all happen. Like, they're sitting down there and they're watching and you get to make it all happen.

And watch the results instantly. Yeah, as long as you keep working at it, as long as you keep writing, you're going to have some good sets and some bad sets and you're going to have some good bits and some bad bits. And if you put out 10 CDs, one of them you're not going to like that much, or two of them, or someone is going to be a fan,

they're like, yeah, I didn't like that one, Justin. There was just something about it. You were all fucking weird and talking about flowers. Right. But overall, if you have the right mindset and you continue to create and you continue to write and perform, it just keeps happening. It just keeps happening.

If you give it what it needs, you feed what it needs, it keeps happening it just keeps happening if you give it what it needs you feed what it you know what it needs it keeps it keeps happening and there's a lot of guys that are like are perfect examples of that like burr like bill burr did a ice house show last week last wednesday all new stuff fucks around on stage he's always fucking around always writing and he had a really good point about writing too he's like you should be able to come up with an hour a year because really all that is is 10 minutes a month. Right. Yeah, it's true.

Yeah, that's another guy just watching him, even just working shit out. It's fucking brilliant. 10 minutes a month is 120 minutes a year. Yeah. So if you wrote one good joke a week. 12 months, 10 minutes a month, 120 minutes a year. I do about that.

Yeah, she don't do that. Eight to 10. Shit, you haven't seen me in a while. Stop your fucking lying. No, you have some good ideas, but, you know, the reality of bits is they're never done. You got to keep chopping away at them and editing them. And so what you say is like 45 minutes. It's really 15. It's 15 monster

minutes. That's what, when I have an hour. Especially when you're bombing. If I have an hour, yeah, I don't really have an hour. If I have an hour, I have 25 minutes of murder. Right. And I can turn that into an hour. Right. Or I can chop it into an assassinating

25 minutes and then sometimes extend. Joe, you haven't seen me in a long time. I'm sure you got way better and probably the greatest comedian ever. No, no.

I'm just saying you don't even know my material. I saw you two weeks ago, bitch. No, you didn't. I saw you at the Ice House. Yeah, you saw me but you didn't see me

do my set. Son of a bitch. You saw audience members yelling out subjects to him? I got the report back from the comedy, American Comedy Company to him? I got the report back from the American Comedy Company. Oh, cool. I did awesome. Yeah, I heard you did good.

I did really good. I did awesome! I really did. I did awesome! I believe you. No, I did. If you don't believe me, ask Justin. I said I believed you.

I heard Sunday night was a little rough. Oh, my guest sets? The guest sets were different. I'm in front of Brian Callen's crowd. I just said I heard Sunday night was a little rough. Yeah, okay, Joe. So you know when there's somebody there to see you, and then if there's somebody,

other comic just comes on stage that's not their crowd, you know it's going to be a little weird sometimes when you mix certain crowds with certain people. Well, if people don't know you. Exactly. And I think with you, like we've already talked about this before, you get this Willy Wonka golden ticket

where people already know you when you're starting out. There's pressure in that, and it's also easier that way, too. Yeah, but if you have a Sunday 8 o'clock show, it's not your audience, and it's somebody else's audience that knows you from Hangover, and there's a lot of couples there that probably don't want to

hear about fucking dolphins and cum and shit like that. Well that there's a lot of people that don't want to hear about those things that's the beautiful thing about performing for people that don't know you you know one of the good things about doing like pop-in shows like think one thing that a lot of comics like to do is they like to go up on a show where people are not coming to see them because that way they'll get a more honest reaction. Sure. And sometimes it'll make you cultivate your bits for a new mind or for a new ear, someone who hasn't seen your stuff before. But I also did five shows in the weekend, and all of them were amazing sets. So amazing that the owner of the club wrote a three-page letter recommending me to other clubs.

Brian, don't brag, please. It's so gross. No, but you're just saying, you're pretty much on line and just said, hey, you did shitty in San Diego. No, I didn't say you did shitty. That's what you were saying. What I was going to say is, I heard Sunday night was rough for not just you. It was rough for a lot of other people, too.

Right? It was. They can be rough. Those are good for you. Oh, dude, nothing will make you stronger than just eating dick for 25 minutes. A good rough set is not bad. But I heard you did very well. Callan said you did very well. But it's kind of gross to brag about the owner saying you did so awesome.

Oh, I'm just saying that I did good this weekend. I believe you, but, you know. And a lot of my set, you're saying I only have a 15-minute set. You haven't seen me do any of my set for probably two months. I didn't say you only have a 15 minute set. You haven't seen me do any of my set for probably two months. I didn't say you only have a 15 minute set. I said, if you say you have 50 new minutes, you really have 45 minutes means in my eyes, 15 minutes. It means like you chop out a half an hour always because what, how much of it is your best stuff? How much of it is stuff that you're really happy with? How much of it needs to be edited down? That's just how I look at material

period. And that's what I said about myself. If have an hour i don't have an hour i have 25 minutes of murder that's what you have you have you chop things up and as you build up more time like that's why the difference between right after you release a special the new hour that you work on in the beginning man if it's an hour it might only be like 15 minutes that you really love you know it might be like a lot of other stuff that you're like ham and egg in and song and dancing. And then as time goes on, you start stacking and adding, and then it becomes something that you're really proud of. That's a process you haven't gone through yet. You haven't gone through the editing process.

You haven't gone through the process of creating an hour, chopping it down, eliminating certain bits, and then stretching it out to a real legit beginning-to-end professional hour. It takes a lot of work. I have about an hour and 20 minutes now. So I would say I have, like what you're saying. Joe's face. Well, I mean, as an example, here's a bit I know. I have a bit, dolphin bit, that I can do a 13-minute thing,

an 8-minute thing, or a 5-minute thing. When I do the 5-minute thing, it's like me rushing it, the whole thing. Well, you shouldn't rush anything. You don't have to rush it. The seven or eight minute one is a good edited version, but the 13 minute one is more free. It's kind of like one of your old school bits where it's very comfortable to be in this playground. And when I go to the joke, to the joke, to the tag, to the tag, it's very comfortable doing the 13 minute one. But I do all three like every week I do at least one of those different versions, but it's always the 13 one that's really like, all right, that's the one that you need to do.

So I have censored and edited different bits. It just depends on the show, how much time I have. Okay, look, Brian, we all have different standards of editing, and we all have different what we think are legit bits and what we think are not legit bits. And what I think is a legit bit and you think

is a legit bit is probably going to be very different. I don't want to judge your material and I don't want to sit and break down your act and tell you what

you should or shouldn't do. But people have a problem when you start saying how this is awesome and you did so great. No, I did. I had great shows is what I'm saying.

The club owner's writing letters for you and you haven't seen me. I'm doing awesome now. I saw you recently. I mean, it wasn't that long ago. You did Vancouver with me. That now. I saw you recently. It wasn't that long ago. You did Vancouver with me.

That was a couple of months ago. That's not that long ago. Vancouver? Yeah. Did a theater in Vancouver. It wasn't that long ago. August. Yeah, four months ago.

Exactly. It's a few months ago. Do you ever a bit just not work for no reason? It just stops working? Like a book just kills all it? It just stops? Yeah, for sure. If you don't feel like it's... You could have a bit that you don't feel like it works anymore.

Like it's not funny to you anymore. Like it might have worked in the beginning because you saw the humor in it. And then that adds like a certain amount of push to a bit. And if you all of a sudden decide that it's not for me anymore, but it still works, I'll keep doing it. They can sense that. Well, yeah. I just grew up in Vancouver. What are you talking about? It's not for me anymore, but it still works, so I'll keep doing it. They can sense it. I did good in Vancouver. What are you talking about?

I didn't say anything about you doing in Vancouver. Brian, stop making this about you, man. Come on. I don't know why you're thinking I'm making it about you. You just changed the subject. We were talking about creating bits, and out of nowhere, you're like, I did good in Vancouver. You'm making it about you. You just changed the subject. We were talking about creating bits, and out of nowhere, you're like, I did good in Vancouver. You exactly made it about you.

Well, you just made it as a reference. Like, I just saw you four months ago. I'm saying I just saw you. Look, come on, man. How much better did you get in four months? Did you get better in four months? What I just said. No, I don't want to talk about this, Brian. You just interrupted a goddamn conversation

where we're talking about stand-up comedy to make it about you. That's what you just did. We had gotten done talking about you. We talked about you for a long time, and then we started talking about creating bits, and then you started, whoa, I was... But I did good in Vancouver. So fucking what? Jesus Christ, man.

But your point was that I didn't do good in Vancouver. You did okay in Vancouver. You were downstairs. I saw you. No, I saw you, Brian, and it was four months ago. I saw it. You're saying you're doing so much better now. I mean, how much better did you really get in four months?

I did good in Vancouver is what I'm saying. Okay. So I saw that. Okay. Right? We're good. Don't get too attached, man. You know, defining yourself like that, it's always ugly.

What? You mean defending myself or defining? Defining. You're defining yourself as being good. It's always ugly. What? You mean defending myself or defining? Defining. You're defining yourself as being good. It's not defending, Brian. I said I had a good set. I'm not saying I'm amazing. I'm not saying, hey, I am the best comic in the world. I'm not saying that. You wanted to talk about you being good.

I'm saying I had good sets. Do you not see the distasteful aspect of that? That people would find that uncomfortable? What? That I had a good set? No. You keep talking talking about it what do you mean talking about it i'm not you just fucking interrupted to say you did great in vancouver interrupted um uh 20 seconds after you saying something about me i said i saw you i didn't say it was bad i didn't say anything well you just said you think you've done better than vancouver you think you've done that big an improvement in four months. That's saying that I wasn't doing good in Vancouver. No, it's not. It's saying I saw you in Vancouver. That's what it's saying.

It's not saying that you weren't good in Vancouver. You're adding that yourself. I said I saw you four months ago. So if I saw you four months ago, roughly, I know what you're doing. Yeah, and what you're getting at is I didn't do good in Vancouver. That's not what I said. I said I saw it. You're saying you're doing. Yeah, and what you're getting at is I didn't do good in Vancouver. That's not what I said. I said I saw it. You're saying you're doing so great. I'm like, I saw you four months ago. That's what I saw.

Well, you might want to re-listen to it because how you said it really wasn't clear. No, because, Brian, I don't like when you want to talk about yourself and how great you do. I'm not trying to talk about myself. It's uncomfortable. I'm not trying to talk about myself, man. You just did. You just did. You started this by saying that I had a report back in San Diego, so I know how good you did.

No, it started by you telling me how great everything went. I had a good set. And that's when I said I heard that Sunday Night was kind of rough. I heard it was rough. Right. It wasn't just rough for you. It was rough for other people. Okay, but you were looking at me and saying I heard it was rough.

Tell the truth. When it's rough, I tell the truth. When I have a rough show, I tell the truth When I have a rough show I tell the truth I don't just tell you Everything is great I tell you about One shitty show

I ate a dick in Vegas The other night For 30 minutes Where were you Having a rough set I was getting booed I was doing the Dirty at 1230 show

Which is fucking It's South Point Casino And it's a great room It's a great crowd But I just fucking They weren't feeling It was like 1 o'clock In the morning

And I fucking bombed It felt like an hour and a half Those are hard shows man Those late night shows and it's a great room, it's a great crowd, but I just fucking, they weren't feeling, it was like one o'clock in the morning, and I fucking bombed for, it's like, it felt like an hour and a half. Those are hard shows, man. Yeah. Those late night shows, late night shows are hard, especially if nobody knows you from anything.

Yeah. They don't want to see you. Nothing wrong with bombing. It's good for you. Yeah. You know, it sucks at the time, but goddamn,

you get something out of that. You learn. My biggest jumps I've ever made in my entire something out of that. Yeah. You learn. My biggest jumps I've ever made in my entire career were for bombing. Yeah. For sure.

Just makes you reevaluate everything. Makes you want to fucking jump off a bridge. You ever quit on stage? Like, all right, this is it. It's my last fucking show.

Yeah, I quit once. No, never quit. Like, this is my last show, but I walked off before my time. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm always like,

mentally in my head, I'm like, fuck this. I'm done. Yeah. It can fucking get rough, dude. It can get rough. I mean, that's one of the reasons why it's such an emotionally taxing job. Yeah.

It's one of the reasons why people have so much of a hard time doing it. It's one of the reasons why people quit, too. They'll start off. They'll have a lot of good momentum. And then they just bail on it. They just can't take it anymore. You think once it becomes like a business, that's when it gets – because when you're in the beginning, you're doing it for fun and you're kind of going up in between your restaurant job. So there's really not a lot. Once you like, it becomes a job, I think it's when it's like, fuck.

You should, it should never be a job. If it's a job, you're fucking up. Well, if you have to make money off of it. Yeah. If it's a job, you're fucking up. If it's a job, you're, I mean, even if you have to make money off of it, you can't just think of it as it's gotta be an art form or it's a job, even if you have to make money off of it, you can't just think of it as it's got to be an art form or it's never going to work. If it's not something that you're excited and connected to creating and something that you're passionate about molding and putting together on stage, I don't think it's ever going to work. If you're just like, yeah, I'm just going to punch in

and tell those old jokes. There's nothing better than having a new joke and just being so excited. Like, I have to go on stage tonight and tell it. That's, to me, anyways. Yeah. It can get really thrilling. It's a wild thing to do

with your time, man. Come up with some shit that you think is going to make people laugh. There's a distasteful feeling in this room. Feel it? Got a little carry away over there, Brian. It's alright, buddy. Happens.

Just gotta recognize how other people would interact. Like, how other people would respond to people. Whenever you say you're really good at anything or doing great at anything, man, there's a way to do that. I've said I had a good set.

I didn't say I was great at it. There's a way to do that and there's a way to not do that. It's not just that you said you had a good set. You were talking about the manager writing you a letter and saying you did so awesome. I said I had a good set. I know, but you see where that is?

It's like, you're sticking that in people's faces. You've got to be careful. Okay. I mean, am I wrong? After you just said I had a bad set. It was rough on Sunday. I got a report card. I heard it wasn't just Sunday.

It wasn't just you. I heard several people on that show didn't do report card. I heard it wasn't Sunday. It wasn't just you. It wasn't just you. I heard several people on that show didn't do very well. I heard it was tough. I'm saying you got to be honest about that, too. I am honest. I'm saying that. You know what, though? When I got off stage, people clapped.

It wasn't like I had a bad set where no one was like, ugh. They were happy you were done. Okay. Now you're just flipping the fish. Look, I had to say that, Brian. I can't just let you brag. I have to. I have to stop you for your own good.

I wasn't bragging. Justin Foster, do you know what bragging sounds like? I don't know. You're the neck of the woods. Do they have different handles on what bragging is? I did get weird for a second. It got real weird for a second. I feel like when mom and dad fight,

they just get real quiet. Well, you know what it is, man? It's like there's a lot riding on success and failure on stage. And when you're doing well, which Brian's doing well, you want to let people know you're doing well. It's what it is.

It's normal. You just got to be careful about it. I said that stuff after you said what you said. I didn't say that. I don't know if that's true. I don't know if that's true, and I don't think you do either. I don't really remember what happened.

I 100% know what it is. I think you were saying how great it went, and I said I heard Sunday night was rough. And then I said, no, it wasn't rough. I had a good weekend. I had good sets. Justin even said I wrote blah, blah, blah. Right, but I said no it wasn't rough I had a good weekend I had good sets Justin even said I wrote blah blah blah

right but but I said that I heard that Sunday night was rough and it was rough and I would if you said that to me I would be like

ooh yeah I kinda ate dick on Sunday Sunday I just couldn't feel it they weren't feeling me but that's not what you did you went on to discuss but I didn't eat a dick Sunday I had a

I had a C plus set. I had a middle of the line normal set. Nothing to write home about. Nothing that went, oh, that was horrible. People didn't boo you? No. No one booed me once. No.

Oh, they groaned? Is that what they did? Yes. A woman groaned when I was talking about fucking a dolphin. I think that's something that a woman would do. That warrants all those women. I have the whole thing on tape if you want to. I think that's something that a woman would do. That warrants it. Oh, those women. Those women. I have the whole thing on tape if you want proof. I don't want to listen to the fucking tape.

Crime any. No, I don't need any proof, man. I mean, my point wasn't whether or not you were doing good or not doing good. My point was whether we discuss it on a podcast like that. I know. Let's move on. I'm trying. Can't think about anything else.

You can see the hilarity of my horrible set tomorrow at the Irvine Improv. Oh, I like how you worked that in. You could moan at me and Little Esther and Tony Hinchcliffe and Sarah Tiana.

Oh, how dare you. That's a good show. It's a great show. Tony Hinchcliffe was with me at Irvine all last weekend. Fucking kid's getting funny. He's great. Really funny bit, man.

It's a great room, too. I don't want to say anything with that thrift store bit. I won't say anything about what the bit is, but that's fucking great, man. It's true, too. Yeah. Yeah, that Irvine improv's fantastic. God, it's great. Do you like it?

Is that your favorite of one of the improvs around this town? It's a great club, man. I have the Ontario and all the other ones. Because we have like three really good improvs within like an hour and an hour and a half away. Yeah, there's a ton of them.

There's the Hollywood one, which is always awesome. There's the Irvine. There's the Ontario, the Brea. They're all fantastic. They're all great. Improvs are fucking

amazing clubs, man. There's so many of them. They're all over the country. You know, a lot of people think that it's like kind of a chain thing. They're fucking up and ruining comedy, but they're also providing you a lot of goddamn work, man. There's work everywhere. There's work all over the country. The only thing that I don't like is if like they tell you that you're not supposed to work the other club in town or one of those deals. That can be a problem.

Does that happen to you a lot? No. Not to me. But other people. It happens to some people. Some clubs, they won't let you work the other club in town. Oh, yeah. No, I know. You've had that happen before?

Yeah, for sure. Texas? No, not in Texas. But I was saying it's like somebody like you, it probably doesn't really. They're like, yeah, just, for sure. Texas? No, not in Texas. But I was saying it's like somebody like you, it probably doesn't really. They're like, yeah, just, you know. Yeah, if you can sell tickets, they'll let you slide with stuff.

But if they felt like they can control you in some sort of a way, they would definitely try to do it. I think it's, you know, it's a natural business practice. They're trying to, you know, they're trying to fucking lock it down, you know. Especially like if you're there in a week

where no one's there that's when it becomes readily apparent like if you like the other side of town has a great comic and then this side of town you know the the club's suffering they have to decide what they're going to do because if you're going to work one or the other if you're working one and they're doing well or you work in the other club and then the other club's doing well like they have to go well hey well we're sucking it right now and we're sucking it because the guy that we hire is now over there working for our enemy so what the fuck right yeah that's the problem when you got business you know business mixed with the idea of art you know it gets just fucking it gets problematic. But you can't be a socialist comedian either.

Just give away your comedy for free. Right. Bring me food. I'll tell you jokes. Right. The show was basically over about 15 minutes ago. We're just droning on. Hopefully we can recover from this, Brian.

What? I'm fine. I'm not. I'm not. I know, you're. I'm not. I'm not. I know, you're still mad about it. I'm not mad at all. But this thing went off the rails. I'm the one who has to sort of turn it into a podcast. People love this shit anyway.

Some people love this shit. Those people are annoying. And those people are responding to me on Twitter. And guess what, cunties? I'm just going to block you. Don't jump in. Oh, look, I'm I'm gonna block this guy it's got a fucking swastika on his logo yeah sorry fuckface gotta block yeah logo yeah I don't know how it's like YouTube there was a somebody sent me a video and only once

with the it was inward music video time times two or something like that what thing was called and it was just a guy dressed up like typical like like almost racist black guy slave style and the song was just inward inward inward and it was just it was a black guy doing it so I think that maybe that's the only reason why it could stay on YouTube but I was very shocked when people have like Twitter avatars and stuff yeah like really racist symbols and I was like how do they get away with that shit you could get away with a lot if you're a black guy and you want to talk about black people right you know you can get

a lot if you're a white guy and you want to talk about white people but man you I just don't yeah I wear blackface and go to school right you can't be mr. T I wonder if the guy tried it was it whenever he's at a party or if wonder if You can't wear blackface and go to school in Toronto. Right, you can't be Mr. T. I wonder if the guy tried to, I wonder if he was at a party, or I wonder if he went to school as Mr. T. God, I hope he didn't go to school. Because I think it was a day, right?

It was a school day. Halloween fell on him. Right, could he get in trouble? Say he was at a house party with adults and somebody snapped a picture of him, could he still get in trouble for that? Yes, that's what I think probably happened. I don't think he would stroll into class with black... Pity the fool. Maybe he did.

Maybe he's like, look, I'm Mr. T. That's ballsy. He's at the lounge. They're all drinking coffee together. No one's talking to him. What the fuck, man. All the other teachers are like, we're not gonna get into this today. Yeah. They're like, you can't do that. Oh, come on.

I pity the fool. Pity the fool. Isn't that funny that that guy, he's one of the only guys that you associate with a giant chunk of gold chains around your neck. Right. Immediately, you think of Mr. T. He made that his hook. Right. If a guy had more than one chain, you'd go, would you get a Mr. T starter kit?

Right. Some guy if you were heckling him. And you know the chains were fate because the teacher couldn't afford that on a teacher's salary. Absolutely. It seems like if this happened when the A-team was really popular, that when it first came out in that time area, that wouldn't be a big deal. Right.

Now, you can't do anything, though, especially if you're a teacher. Like my brother just got it. He had to delete his whole Facebook page. He's like, I'm not even going to take any fucking deal. Right. Now, you can't do anything, though, especially if you're a teacher. Like, my brother just got, he had to delete his whole Facebook page. He's like, I'm not even going to take any fucking chances. Right.

So that guy should, he should have known better. You can get in big trouble for almost anything. Yeah. Almost anything. If you do anything that's non-PC outside of work,

some girl got fired because they took a picture on her Facebook of her boyfriend holding her tit. And they let her go? Yeah, they fired her. She was a teacher. Fuck of her boyfriend holding her tit. And they let her go? Yeah, they fired her. She was a teacher. Fuck.

Guy was holding her tit. I mean, he wasn't even, like, holding a nipple. He wasn't, like, pinching her. Just grabbing her tit. Just squeezing, like, some bottom meat. The fuck, man.

There's a weirdness going on in the world where people are just super fucking sensitive. Super duper sensitive. And people want to get other people in trouble, too. That's the thing. Everybody wants to be the first to catch somebody doing something and act. To be the first to get

somebody fired. Yeah, that's a thing, too. They want to catch people and things. There's a lot of miserable fucks out there working, stuck in jobs they don't like, and they're just, they're just built up. And if they can point it at you and get you in trouble for something, because there's a whole bunch of rules that everybody's got to follow, and a lot of them are ridiculous rules.

They feel better. Yeah, the PC police is just so out of control. But, you know, in some ways, it's got to be there, because if you're working, like, say if you're a woman and you're working in some fucking office with some guy who tells dick jokes all the time and talks about fucking, like, you shouldn't have to deal with that. No, you shouldn't. You shouldn't have to go in there but but because there's douchebags that ruin that shit then there's always going to be like you can't have a funny joke either like sometimes someone's not a douchebag

but they have the funny thing to say and it's just the right time and it's inappropriate but you know they don't mean it but they can get away with it. That's like the problem with humor. In a workplace, you can't take that chance. I think it has to do a lot about who the person is too. The charming you are, the more you can get away with. The creepy guy at the office can say the same thing and people are like, oh, no. It gets stifled. It gets stifled because it has to get stifled

because if you just go free range, wild, wild west style with your jokes, like you're doing a podcast or something, some people are going to get really fucking offended at you. But my question is, and here's what it was, it was probably a parent of a teacher that she had probably reprimanded, who was like,

oh, this would tell me how to raise my kids, scrolling through her Facebook page and going, how dare a lady with a boyfriend, having fun, tell me how to raise my kid. You know what I mean? Yeah, that could definitely be it some woman doesn't want

some fucking slut raising her children that could be it or some chick is just upset that she's hot enough for someone to grab her tit and she hasn't gotten laid since her fucking husband

cheated on a dirty bitch grabbing tit on Facebook I'll show her they could be that too all right Justin Foster people could find you on Twitter it's Justin you on Twitter. It's Justin Comic on Twitter.

Yep. And do you have a website too? Yeah, Justin Comic. Justin Comic. Yep. You were the only Justin Comic to scoop that shit up. I was the first. There had to be somebody else who thought that up.

So I tried to buy it from me. Do you find that maybe an issue with people remembering the name Foster? Nah. I don't think so. I hope not. All right. Thanks for having me. Thanks for being here, man. Absolutely, brother.

Thanks for being here for a nice little hissy fit. Yeah, it was fun. We made up, buddy? Yeah, it was good. I was just trying to help everybody here, folks. I just have a very strong opinion

on certain things. I don't mean to hurt anybody's feelings. We don't mean to. We smoke a little weed and sometimes we just talk. Sometimes shit goes awry. Just like a comedy set.

Right, Justin Foster? Right. All right, fuckers. We'll be back. We'll be back soon. Lots of podcasts this week. Anna Kasparian. Did I say her name right?

And also Graham Hancock. And this episode is brought to you by Ting. If you go to rogan.ting.com, you will save $25 off of any of their new, sweet, sleek, delicious Android devices. You're also brought to you by Hulu Plus. If you go to huluplus.com

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