The Joe Rogan Experience - #422 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: November 29, 2013

Greg Fitzsimmons is an American stand-up comedian. He also hosts his own podcast "FitzDog Radio" available on Spotify.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. Powerful Greg Fitzsimmons, my longest running friend in comedy. That's it. That's it, buddy. And nobody can break that record. You can't go back.

Impossible. We're stuck with each other. As long as you stay alive. It's our longest relationships. As long as you stay alive. Right. We keep it together. I'm going back. I'm going to interview some of the boys. Are you keep it together. I'm going back.

I'm going to interview some of the boys. Are you really? Yeah, I'm going back. What are you doing? This club, Laugh Boston, December 5th through 7th. Oh, I've heard that place is really good. Arshafir is there actually this weekend. Right, right.

And they just had somebody else. Proops was there the week before. But I'm going to do a live podcast on Thursday, and I'm going to get some of the guys out. But I'm going to do a live podcast on Thursday, and I'm going to get some of the guys out. I'm not sure. I reached out to Seisler and Gavin and Mike McDonald and Jonathan. Do those guys resist that, or do they enjoy those conversations?

Because there's a bit of remorse in those conversations. We talked to those great comics. I had Gavin on once, who I think is probably our favorite, right? Well, pretty much. Honestly, I think one of the greatest performances I've ever seen is a tie between Gavin and back in his prime, Teddy Bergeron. Oh. Do you remember how goddamn good he was? Right, right. He was so good he made you want to quit.

I know. I remember seeing him. It was an open mic night, and Teddy went up, and I think Jonathan Katz was actually hosting. It was one of those times where it was George McDonnell or Jonathan Katz. Remember, they used to, like, different people, different headliners used to host the open mic night. And he went up in the middle and just, you know, fucked around for 10 minutes or whatever.

And I wanted a quick comedy. I was like, there's no way. He had this swagger. I mean, it was the definition of swagger. He would walk back and forth on the stage. And you know when a guy has got that kind of where he's rubbing his thumb against the tips of his fingers as he kind of like flips his hand around. And it was all like he'd wear these silk suits. And he had this horrible orange hair.

And he would just talk like a thespian. I mean, he would go, come celebrate with wine. You would have to see it to understand it. And you would really have to see it in the context of 1988, where he was. I was convinced he was going to be a goddamn superstar. I was convinced. I was like, there's no way you're going to stop this guy from being Billy Crystal. There's no way.

Clearly, you weren't talking to alcohol and drugs when you said that. No, I didn't know. Because they stopped him in his tracks. Yeah, dead. Boy, did you said that. Nope. I didn't know. Because they stopped him in his tracks. Yeah, dead. Boy, did I watch that. I watched that because I was the beneficiary of it a few times. Because gigs got canceled because Teddy couldn't make it or what have you. So I went wrong and I got a gig last minute.

I had to stretch twice. And a weekend went, you know, when we were featuring and they were like, can you do 30? We'd be like, yeah. And our heads were going, I got 22 and some crowd work. And so I'm up there and I'm supposed to be getting the light at 27. And instead I'm getting a stretch sign and I'm like, fuck. Oh, no.

So I go as long. I do like an extra 12 minutes and I'm dying. And Teddy comes in and apparently he said to the club owner when he came in, he goes, yeah, I'm on the highway and some guy side swipes me. And he says, he takes him on after the show. You told this story the last time you were here. Oh, did I? on the highway, and some guy sideswipes me. And he says, he takes an on-air to the show. You told this story the last time you were here. Oh, did I? Yeah.

Yeah, so his side view mirror is off. He says the same thing the next night. And it's like, this guy's got a fucking problem. But I don't know if there's sadness. I think it depends. Like, if you still accept that telling jokes for an hour a night, four or five nights a week, and paying your rent and eating and having fun, if you can still accept that that's a good thing in life, then they're not sad. Well, it certainly is. It certainly always is.

The sadness comes from more people not knowing how good they were. Right, right. You want people to know. When you hit that high level, you want people to know. You want people to know. When you hit that high level, you want people to know. And, I mean, Sweeney was the one that I can certainly say, although he was a murderer at the time, it was so Boston-centric that it was very difficult for him to have that sort of impact outside of Boston. Well, because he got the shots, too. Yes.

He got the national exposure. He did. He got a few big spots. He did, like, you know, one of those comic strip lives or something like that, an evening at the improv type thing. He got quite a few big spots. He did one of those comic strip lives or something like that, an evening at the improv type thing. He got quite a few different things. He did some of the young comedian specials, the Rodney Dangerfield ones. And one of the Farrelly Brothers movies, right?

No, all the Farrelly Brothers movies. All of them? Yeah. Wow. He's always a cop. I've seen him crush like it was a perfect set. Yeah. You can't get any better than that.

You just get different. Just riding laughs, just waiting on them. And as soon as they fade, overhand right, back into the laugh. And he had this not give a fuck look to him. He had a big bald spot. He didn't give a fuck. His hair was always fucked up. He couldn't care less.

He was so blue collar Boston. That guy went on stage. You automatically accepted him. He's the guy that you would just have a beer with. He's the guy like, Steve comes over and has a beer. Yeah, bring him over. Hey, Steve, what's going on, Steve?

Hey, how are you? Sit down and just jovial and sucks you right into his personality. Yeah. But he could murder. Somebody was just telling me about him. Oh, my God, This is so funny. He has an agent in Boston.

I don't know who the guy is. It's some new agent. And somebody called and said they wanted to offer him a certain amount of money to do like, you know, up there it's a lot of like, you know, the Elks Lodge and Mattapoisette or, you know, these gigs that are like firehouses or whatever. And they offered him a certain amount of money. And the agent goes, no, right now Steve is commanding more money in the marketplace.

It's like commanding? In the marketplace? On a Tuesday night? What's the marketplace on a Tuesday night exactly? I think there's no better place to at least start out than Boston because of that. Because none of us, there was no like you're going to make it. Right. There was no making it.

Making it was just being a professional comic. Right. Just figuring out how to get to be a professional. So in that sense, yeah, I don't think there should be any remorse. I'm sure people are still packing in to see guys like Gavin and Sweeney. Right. But the world should have known. The world should have known.

I feel like, you know, Fran Salamita captured it a little bit in that movie that he did. When Stand Up Stood Out. Yeah. He captured it a little. Well, he captured what came before us, which was just before us, when it was literally in the formative stages of like,

let's put a microphone in a room and have people talk to audiences. Have coked up crazy men do it. Right. Let's have guys that don't give a fuck go up and treat the audience like bitches. They were animals. They were animals,

and it was very testosterone driven. And like you said, there was a lot of drugs, there was a lot of drinking. And it really was like a certain, the recipe was your ability to write, which you only needed for the first year, because then you're locked in on that set

for the rest of your life. And then the ability to perform and then balls. Then it was like, who on stage has the biggest balls? Because it was all about, can this guy follow me? And trying to bury the guy after you. And we've talked about that on the set, but this was their number one flaw, was that they didn't change their sets. Right.

And they were very Boston-centric and they never changed their sets. Right. And they were very Boston-centric, and they never changed their sets. Right. But the positive side of that was, God damn, they would get those jokes down to a samurai sword sharpness. They would just hammer those jokes down until they were flawless. Like, Gavin, the jokes weren't even jokes.

Like, some of them you wrote down on paper. You would go, I don't understand why that's going to be funny. Right. Like, no, that's going to be the funniest thing you've seen all day. It's not just going to be funny. Go watch that. You know, the waiter comes over and he goes, would you like some wine? And we said, sure. And he goes, red or white?

And I said, why don't you surprise me? And he slapped me in the forehead with his balls. It's not a great joke. Out of his mouth, you're fucking dying because the attitude yeah you gotta see it right but you know and i think that what we learned from that was number one right uh but number two while you're writing do that bit enough times where you do find a way to make it absolutely crush you know to like to that doing doing the same joke again and again and again, there's no

shame in that as long as it's getting better each time. Yeah. Until you get to the point where like with Gavin, where it's just, they're just boiled down, perfect little pieces of comedy. That's the problem with like when you release a special too, you go, God damn, is this thing done? Right. I don't know if this is done yet.

I know. You know, there's that weird feeling of remorse right after you do it. And the worst is after you record a special and then a month later you have the ultimate tagline that transforms the bit. Yeah, or you realize that there's two sentences in the middle that were doing nothing.

Because sometimes I drop a bit and then when I bring it back, it's a great thing because you forget the shit that was unnecessary. You only remember the good elements. All of a, it's a great thing because you forget the shit that was unnecessary. You only remember the good elements. All of a sudden, it's a stronger joke. Yeah, that's a good way of looking at it. Like sometimes walk away from it and come back to it.

Yeah. You've got to be willing to take that fucking initial step. Like Tripoli, it was really funny. Wednesday night, we did a show at the Ice House. Right. Tripoli went up, killed it. But he had a couple new jokes that he was trying out like at the Ice House. Right. Tripoli went up, killed it, but he had a couple new jokes that he was trying out

like for the first time and he was just laughing about how going on stage with the new jokes was like Bambi legs, like, you know, and he's like, don't worry,

I'm going to work these legs out. That's really what it feels like the first time you do it. Like, man, it seems pretty funny when I'm going over it in front of my computer, but fuck, who knows?

It's amazing because sometimes you something hits you and try it on stage and it's actually more comedy than you thought it would be then there's times where like i sit down with a pad and i jot shit ideas and then at the end of it you go like wow i thought i had like a rant i i have maybe a one-liner out of all that and and it's like and you don that. And it's not necessarily that the crowd is telling you it's good or not. You don't know until you're actually putting it out if it feels stand-up-y or if it was just something that was probably good on paper. Yeah.

The form of communication that you have with an audience when you're on stage is impossible to replicate outside of that environment. You could try to imagine it in your head where you're alone in front of a computer, but your mindset is so ultimately different than it is when you're doing stand-up that even when you've been in the business 25 years, like we have, it's fucking guesswork.

You're just taking wild guesses. No, the car is idling. When you're writing, the car is idling. You haven't fucking pushed on the gas yet. That's why it's so important to do both. It's so car is idling. When you're writing, the car is idling. You haven't fucking pushed on the gas yet. That's why it's so important to do both. It's so important to do both. The both mean you've got to do the actual sit-down writing part, too. A lot of guys

like to skimp on that. I'm like, look, I know that you write a lot on stage. I know you write a lot during the day. I know. But I guarantee you, if you sat down for X amount of times per week and dedicated yourself, just write. Just sit in front of the computer, write a blog, write something, write anything. Look at Attell, man.

To this day, that fucking guy, I'll drop in and see him. And not only is it all new shit, it's shit from the news from the last three days that he clearly sat down and wrote. This isn't extemporaneous. Attell doesn't go up and just fucking riff. He has written that shit down. Yeah. And it's new. No doubt.

Yeah, he doesn't riff. I mean, he will deal with something in the crowd or something. He'll do crowd work, but when it comes to material, he's beaded it out. Yeah, he's got a very unique style. He's a tenacious worker. I did his Showtime show, which if there's ever a show that you would slack off if you were the host,

it's Dave's old porn. When you sit in front of porn tapes from the 1980s and you do the Mystery Science Theater thing to them. But dude, he's got notes and ideas about what worked and what didn't work and what we should do and what we shouldn't do. Maybe we should try this.

Note after note after note. He's fucking chain-smoking and going over these notes and sitting down with a producer and they're having meetings and shit i'm like wow and then he edited it for ever he actually went into his own pocket like a hundred thousand dollars beyond what they were paying him to edit it whoa and then he put together like bonus tracks for a dvd he was going to release because he got ownership of the show. Yeah. And I swear to God, he was still editing that until very recently. So he's going to release the DVD.

Yeah, but now he's even further in the hole. It'll work. It'll work out. Yeah, it's a great show. He's not getting enough credit right now. Attell's not getting the credit he deserves right now. I've been hearing that you go to cement clubs and there's half-filled audiences.

I'm like, that's ridiculous. He's one of the best in the country. He's got a new show coming out. I just spoke to him a couple days ago.

He's hosting a... Stand-up show. Yeah, stand-up show. So there'll be three or four comics per, I don't know if it's a half hour or an hour. Ari Shafiro's going to be on there.

Powerful Ari Shafiro. Yeah, so I think he's doing that next week, actually. Yeah, he's awesome, man. Yeah. His Skanks for the Memories. Right. One of my all-time favorites. Oh, actually. Yeah, he's awesome, man. Yeah. His skanks for the memories. Right. One of my all-time favorites.

Oh, God. One of my all-time favorites. So I'm fucking this girl doggy style. I didn't plan it that way, but that's how she passed out. Anyway, a couple McNuggets later, and it just keeps fucking. You know, that joke today would get, like, you know, that would be a part of rape culture. Right. The joke today would really get. you know, that would be a part of rape culture. Right.

That joke today would really get, he would be on the cover of Salon, David Tell supports rape culture. Did you see what the writer from The Variety said about Sarah Silverman? What? That she was too dirty and she was trying to be one of the guys and her career would be further along if she didn't work so blue. That's hilarious. That's hilariously dumb. She's the biggest female stand-up comic in the world.

And her career would be further along. Well, because TV reviewers feel like, you know what? We don't all have the agenda of being billionaires that play theaters. A lot of us are pretty fucking happy where we are. It's like what I was just saying about the Boston comedians. Don't put on them that they wanted to be international stars. Like, Sarah Silverman does the same kind of material

she would do no matter what the venue. She works as much as she wants. She's considered cool, so she gets roles in movies and TV. I don't know. She seems to be having a fucking great time. She's having a great time and she's fucking hilarious. She's really good. Anyone who says that, it's an asshole.

There's things that people like and there's things that people don't like. Like, you could take me to see a certain type of music that you really enjoy and I don't get it. It doesn't mean that it's bad. Right. It means it's not for me. But when you break down something that's obviously very successful and very well-loved,

like, you're missing the point. The reason why it's funny is because she is dirty because she is dirty. That's how her fucking mind works. If her mind didn't work like that, the jokes wouldn't be funny. It might not be your thing. You might be easily offended. Whatever the fuck it is, you might have a crab up your ass when you want to write this thing down. You might have decided to take a particular snotty approach. Well, there's a few moving parts when it comes to trying to objectify if something is good or bad in the arts. And one is, is the person, like you said, if you're genuinely dirty

and you're being dirty, then it works. If you're trying to be edgy because you see that that's what the comics do, that doesn't work. So to me, it's about like, what's your authentic voice? And number two, just because somebody is highly commercially successful, like doesn't mean what they're doing is bad. That means that it happens to be in sync with what a lot of people like. Right. he's successful because he literally did focus groups with people to decide which of his material would work best with 18 to 35 year olds

like that's the opposite of what good is are you sure he did that? I read about it it was a fucking piece it might have been the New York Times are you sure he wasn't fucking around? it was a fucking piece in, it might have been the New York Times. Are you sure he wasn't fucking around? That might be something that I would say.

He was a marketing major in college. Wow. That's something that I would say if I was fucking around. Like, because it's so the opposite of what I would ever do. Yeah. Yeah, well, you know what I did? I hired a bunch of people to go out and survey people. This is my point on surveys has always been you'd never get a good answer with a survey

because you only get the answer from people dumb enough to answer the survey. Correct. Most people like you or I are not going to answer a goddamn survey on how old the world is. So when you read the Gallup poll, the recent one that said that some insane number of people, like 46% of the United States, believes in the biblical version of the creation of Earth. Right. Meaning the Earth. They think it's 6,000 years old.

Less than 10. That's the fucking standard. That's 46% of the country of Earth. Right. Meaning that Earth... They think it's 6,000 years old. Less than 10. That's the fucking standard. That's 46% of the... But it's not. It's not. That's not true. It's 46% of people dumb enough to answer your fucking survey.

It's not 46%. It's not. I don't buy it. I don't either. More than 46% of the people know that whether or not you believe in the Bible or biblical God, more than 46% know that the Bible, first of all the Bible or biblical God, more than 46%

know that the Bible, first of all, has been translated many, many times and leave room for error. And second of all, they understand the work of science. You know, just because you believe in some higher power to make you feel better or what have you, doesn't mean you reject everything. I think the number, I don't know if it's as high as 46%, but according to these polls, that people that believe that humans and dinosaurs existed at the same time is inexplicably high. Do you know that that was Sarah Palin? She said that? Sarah Palin had a conversation with a librarian in Wasilla, Alaska, where she said that on the internet there was a photograph of a human footprint inside a dinosaur footprint.

And the woman, like, the woman, like, talked about this when Sarah Palin was running for president. Or vice president, whatever. And she was like, what? Pause. The. Pause. Fuck. Like, this is a woman that got that heartbeat away from being the president.

And she thought that dinosaurs and humans walked together. And then you see people who are intelligent. Yeah, look at that. Pill that down, Brian. Bill had claimed dinosaurs and people coexisted. That's amazing. Does it say there about the librarian? Yeah.

Yeah, whatever. Well, and I think that, what's the other one? Not Sarah Palin. Michelle Bachman. Michelle Bachman's worse. Well, her husband's gay. Right. As gay as gay is gay.

As gay as the day is beautiful and long and flowers smell pretty and butterflies are beautiful, that guy's gay. Allegedly. He can't suck enough dick. There's no way. If you could just give him a free pass. He can't suck enough dick. There's no way. If you could just give him a free pass. If you ever got that guy liquored up and put a hard-on in front of him,

he would jump on it like Greg Louganis off the top pier. Swan dive on that dick. His head would be spinning out of a gainer, and he'd still get some tongue on the shaft. He would automatically start salivating to the point where it was like a waterfall coming out of his mouth. Just pouring down on his shirt, just saliva, long streams. You wouldn't know where the pool started and the saliva for dick stopped coming out of his mouth. Yeah, it would literally be like a saliva waterfall. And like when people have a backyard and they have those really fancy little rock formations

where the water comes down into their pool, fancy schmancy, that was his mouth. Yeah, he would say to a young man, do you want to go in the hot tub with me? And the guy would go, okay. They'd get in the hot tub and the guy would go, there's no water in here. And he'd go, just wait. Let me see your cock. Warm and gooey. It comes out 96 degrees.

I'd let him blow me if I knew that I could take down Michelle Bachman. Take her down from what, though? Because she will be an elected leader, Joe! Do you really feel that? I know so. Look, you just have to see who Fox News is trotting out, and she is one of the first pundits they go to for comments on shit.

She is introducing legislation in Congress right now that is actually being enacted. So what's to stop her? Me. I will suck her husband's dick and release it on the internet. I'll take the hit. All we need to do is get him on some ecstasy. Right. Just get him to realize the folly of his ways.

It's like these people that are like that, I guarantee you, if you get him on some ecstasy. Right. Just get him to realize the folly of his ways. It's like these people that are like that, I guarantee you, if you got them on some ecstasy and gave them a hug and go, fucking don't worry about it, man. Don't worry about it. I know who you are. Just let it go. Be you. Don't be, you're right.

Gobble, gobble, gobble. Yeah. Just grabbing them and stuffing them in there. Just stuff it in. Party up, dude. You're already like 60. He's probably actually probably having a lot of gay sex. He's just not telling you.

Oh, there's no doubt he's having a lot of gay sex. And I think it's similar with a lot of celebrities. I don't want to mention names. Like say Oprah, like her husband. I believe. How dare you? I believe I've heard rumors. You always have to substantiate things like that.

I've heard rumors that he looks extremely gay to me. rumors. You always have to substantiate things like that. I've heard rumors that he looks extremely gay to me. I would say those rumors automatically if I knew that there was a woman out there or a man out there, rather, whose girlfriend makes $100 billion. I'd say that guy's gay.

Right. Right out of the gate. Because your dick would get so small from being around that much money every day and it's not yours. She's so dominant over him. What does that guy do? What does he make, a hundred grand a year?

I mean, who knows what the fuck he does? I think he goes out and does, well, here's the cash in for doing nothing is the, he does speeches.

Like they pay him to come in and do motivational speeches. Oh my God. Yeah. Oh my God. That's hilarious. Motivational speeches.

Yeah. Whatever. This is how you find a really powerful woman and just connect to her. That's the course. What are you going to teach people? That's the course. What are you going to teach people, man? Look, who knows?

Maybe the guy's like a really brilliant, intelligent guy. Maybe he doesn't give a fuck about money. Maybe he's just enlightened. No, it's true. Actually, I know dudes that are like that, that are with really strong women, and they are totally cool with it. They find them, you know, enchanting and humorous, and they go for the ride. That's fine. I guess for us, we're kind of alpha males, so I think it would be difficult for us to picture being in the back seat.

Maybe and maybe not. I think it's really hard when you say, like, that this would work or that would work, generalizing, it's really hard when you say like that this would work or that would work generalizing because there's people in my life that on paper I shouldn't like, and I fucking love them. You know what I mean? There's relationships that I've had with people that despite all the craziness, I enjoyed the fuck out of my time with them. And,

you know, and sometimes in a more intense way, like even though it wasn't like, it wasn't anything that had legs, like they could actually last. Like, cause after a while you have real relationships legs that could actually last because after a while real relationships is where you could actually go on vacation with someone

do you remember when you first started going on vacation with girlfriends and like 3 or 4 days in you're like oh my god I need to jump out of a fucking window now I had a girl that I faked a phone call my friend called me up I faked an obligation to get rid of her

she came to stay with me for the weekend just for the weekend I faked a phone call. My friend called me up. I faked an obligation to get rid of her. She came to stay with me for the weekend, just for the weekend. And two days in, she was complaining about everything to the point where it was like there was no fun to be had. Everything was just a complaint. Complain about the music. Complain about where we're going to go to eat. Complain about every fucking thing. And I was panicking.

My friend called me up. I go hey what's up man And I go oh dude I forgot Shit fuck I gotta come get you Oh my god I'm so sorry And this is my friend Johnny who's quite a slick character Who's like oh I can't hit what's going on What are you doing over there And I go Bethany's here

Damn Nice person But it was the wrong time for both of us. Right. Look, I was a fucking pain in the ass then, too. Right. That was part of the problem. I was a fucking nightmare.

That's it, too. I think that when you're a young man, I think it would be hard for you to travel with anybody but other young men. You're a fucking explorer. You want to really go nuts. Well, not only that, you're dumb. Yeah. I was 24. I think I was maybe 23. Not only that, you're dumb. When I was 24,

I think I was maybe 23 at the time, I was so stupid. I was so stupid and crazy. It was only two years removed from fighting. My brain was hardwired the wrong way. I had to rewire it. My brain was wired

for violent competition and then breaks in between that. Like that was my whole life. So going from that to like being around girls and relationships and trying to manage those waters was very confusing for me. Because fighting was such like a solitary pursuit. Right. I used to keep journals up until probably when I was like 23 or something. But I was dating this girl and we went to Europe together.

It was like after sophomore year of college, that summer. She had studied abroad in Austria for the second semester. So I saved up some cash, and I flew over there, and we met in London, and we went to Ireland, and we went to France. And I was fucking miserable. And I was keeping a journal, and I look back at it now, and it wasn't her. It was just that, like, I just wanted to do my own fucking thing. I wasn't into negotiating and compromising,

because at that age, you feel like life is so short, you don't want to waste a day. You just feel like whatever the most exciting thing is, that's what you want to be doing. And that's often not what comes out in the compromise. There's definitely that. But there's also, I was just selfish. Yeah.

I didn't want to do what anybody else wanted me to do. No, I think that's what we're both saying. Yeah. I mean, but it wasn't even that I was thinking, hey, life is short. It wasn't romantic. It was, like, totally egotistical. You know? Like, if you look back, like, if you had to go back in time and be yourself when you were

23 or 22 years old, like, what a fucking mess that would be. Right. you know like if you look back like if you had to go back in time and be yourself when you were 23 or 22 years old like what a fucking mess that would be right like you'd be like oh what do i have to deal with yeah you know you would like look at the relationships that you try to manage like what the fuck mess you created and that you're just such a different human now than you were then you spent so much energy on relationships back then. But I'll tell you, man, having a relationship, especially when you were 16, the amount emotionally I grew from 16 to 18, which was during the time that I had this girl as a girlfriend. She was a very nice person, too.

She was not mean or nasty in any way, which was really nice as well. I had dated some girls after that where they were mean and nasty. And the first time a girl insults you, it's a weird thing. Because my first girlfriend never would do that. She was very smart as well. And we would have conversations. They were interesting conversations. There was no manipulation.

There was no weirdness. And then I dated this girl about a year later that was the opposite she was very nice and she was very pretty unfortunately for her because it gave her this fucking this ability to this constantly have men around her constantly have people hitting on her but she knew how to fuck with you and like you would see it happen she would say something like is your nose always that crooked? And I was just going, what? Like, I don't know. And then I remember thinking, what the fuck was that? Like, ew, what's going on here?

And she would say shit like that, like, all the time, you know? It's weird shit. And that's where you see bad marriages, is when either person insults the other one. It's like, unless you really get that that's their stick and they fuck around and bust each other's balls. Right. But when you see the guy get a little bit, you know, damaged by it, you just think, get out. And the girl. The girl getting damaged out of it has even more, like, tension because there's a physical violence worry.

You know, obviously, you know, women do violence on men. I mean, I lost a very good friend in Phil Hartman for that very thing. His wife shot him while he was in his sleep. And that was a horrible relationship. And that was a relationship where his ex-wife used to do subtle shit to insult him in front of large groups of people. She would chip him down because she was a failed actress. And Phil was a superstar. He was coming off Saturday Night down because she was a failed actress. And, you know, Phil was a superstar. He was coming off Saturday Night Live. He was constantly in movies. And, you know, he was

just like a deeply loved guy. And so she would take he would take her to parties and she would take that opportunity to insult him in front of people like in real subtle ways. Like we were talking about cars because Phil was like a car nut and he bought a ferrari and he was so happy he bought this car like he saved up his money it was like a big deal for him he saved up his money made from a couple of movies and he always wanted one of these things and the way he would talk about it like he was a very interesting guy very very smart smoked weed and he would get like real crazy about shit like really into things and have these wild conversations. He loved things.

He loved becoming a pilot. He became a pilot while we were doing news radio, and I remember seeing him sitting there studying dutifully all these aviation books. I'm way too ADD for that, right? But this guy would study. And his lines, when we had a scene, he would study his lines over and over and over and over. He was such a consummate professional.

So when he was talking about this Ferrari, it was about the Italian engineering and the shape of it and the sound of the engine. It was the whole experience. It was everything. And so she goes, I like trucks. My ex-boyfriend had a truck. My boyfriend's back home had trucks. And so what is he thinking? What do I hear?

What I hear is she's talking about these dudes who are probably truck. I picture truck. I picture brutish men, right? Gorilla fucking her in the back of this truck. Just throwing some hay down, ripping her pants off, and just fucking sending it in. Oh, and he's not alone. Of course. There's a line of dudes. Ropes, fucking stir pants off, and just fucking sending it in. Oh, and he's not alone. Of course. There's a line of dudes

with ropes and fucking stirrups on and shit. But she would say that kind of shit. She would always make jokes about him being old or make various jokes about whatever she was trying to chip him down about. But I'll never forget that. I like trucks.

All my ex-boyfriends back home had trucks. Yeah. That's just a gross thing to say. Yeah, and you get that from your parents. I mean, they model it for you. How you're going to treat your spouse is like, I see it every fucking time. I was hanging out with a friend a couple nights ago and the parents were around.

His in-laws were around. And I could see the way they treated each other. I was like, oh yeah, that's your marriage. That's how your wife treats you. It's so true. So my parents, like they really respected each other. Like they never, they never did that. They kidded around a lot, but it was so obviously fun what they were doing and they really respected

each other. They never took shots in public. And when they had to, if they had to have a serious discussion and it wasn't yelling, they would wait till we went to bed. They'd go on the other side of the house, close the door, and we heard muffled. I was like, some people just start fucking arguing in front of their kids. It's like, well, that's what your kids are going to do when they grow up. Yeah. Yeah. That's super important, man. It's super important to show them the model of what's possible. And if you're in a bad relationship, it's just as equally important to get out. One of the really important things my mother taught me when I was a little kid is getting out of a relationship.

When we were five, she moved us in with my grandmother. And then we got an apartment. We moved out of my dad's place because her and my dad were involved in this abusive relationship. So I remember thinking that, like, wow, like, my mom is smart. She does the right thing. When shit goes wrong, she doesn't just take it. She has options. She gets out.

She figures a way out of it, even with two kids, you know. So it took a lot of courage to do. I was going to say balls, but that's ridiculous. See, you know, it takes, like, a real sense of action in doing the right thing. I think that people always say, like like one thing I've noticed about happy people in life is they all do this. But I have seen a trend with people that are happier in life and more confident use their options.

They don't ever feel painted into a corner and like they have to stick with this job. They go like, no, you know what? I'll go get a degree. I want to do this. And they don't see the obstacles as big as people that are unhappy do. As long as you're willing to appreciate the fact that all the energy you put into something might not immediately translate into this new thing. There's a lot of people that are not willing to accept a dip. That was another thing that I learned when my mom and my stepdad got together.

My stepdad was a computer programmer and, had a really good job computer programming, but didn't want to do it anymore. Wanted to become an architect. So took a chance, went back to school, then became an architect and became, you know,

successful at that. So I got to watch that. Like, this isn't what I like to do. Let's do something else. And he was happy. He was happy. So I got to see those two different,

well, one was artistic, you know, the computer programmer thing, I guess could be artistic as well, but it's more a visual artistic thing, like wanted to design buildings. I think computer programming back then was probably a lot less artistic. It was probably a lot more just coding, just 10, go to 10, go to 20,

like all that fucking numerical. But I think that to see him be happy really is the payoff because that's what you're looking at. You're looking at, oh, he's happy. He did this. And you work backwards from that, and it encourages you. Whereas, like, my dad, this is what he did. He was on the radio.

He took big fucking shots. I saw my dad not work for three years. Three years. Wow. And we still, we didn't get thrown out of our house. We made it work. Wasn't that a situation where your dad had gotten out of favor with some people in Boston,

like politically strong people? No, no, this is in New York. This is in New York. Yeah, he was a big radio guy in New York and it was just like, you know, program managers change, you know, station directors, whatever, and they want to bring in new people

and so he got knocked out and it was just a shrinking market. He was on AM radio, and it had started to shrink. Was there a situation where he had gotten into it with some politician or something? Am I imagining this? I'm trying to think. Oh, God, I remember you telling me this.

Stern. Stern used to shit on my dad. Really? Yeah, when Stern was coming up. My dad was like one of the top DJs in New York my whole life. Wow. And so Stern was coming up, and my dad used to also host the Jerry Lewis Telethon.

He was the New York host for it. Every city has its own host. And he used to shit on my dad saying he must be a has-been because he's hosting a telethon. But he wouldn't let it go. He went after guys like Gene Clavin and Imus, all the guys that were big at the time. And that was his M.O., And that then put him in that category. And then he surpassed them all. So my dad, I don't think it hurt my dad,

although he didn't like Stern and my mother hated Stern. But then later he, my dad died and then Stern made a big eulogy about my dad on the air, talked about how much he respected him, how he was like the most well-liked guy in the radio, and how much he learned from him. And so I buried the hatchet. I was like, all right.

He was – because my dad always got what he was doing too. He's like, yeah, I don't like the guy, but, you know, good chess move. Got him where he was going. And so, you know, it was fucking – it was weird. My mom is so upset that I go on Stern now. Still? Oh, yeah. Irish people hold a grudge, man.

Yeah. Wow. That's fascinating, man. Yeah. So did you have showbiz aspirations because your dad was in radio and you saw that business? You got to see him prosper and be a big-time DJ? I don't think the DJ part appealed to me, but he used to host a lot of charity events. And, you know, stand-up comedy didn't exist then like it did now.

So for him, I think he would have been a comedian in his day because his favorite thing in the world was to go get up in front of, you know, All Hallows where he went to high school and raise money by busting, you know, shitting on the priests, and they'd laugh, and he would make fun of this guy in the crowd and he had his stories. He had his like classic 10 stories he'd tell and it was just like stand-up. That's the thing that I got excited

about and I saw his happiness when he did it and I got obsessed with stand-up and I used to collect comedy albums and I used to get up, like my daughter just last night on Thanksgiving, we had a few other girls over the house and my daughter got them all together Thanksgiving, we had a few other girls over the house. And my daughter got them all together and they rehearsed for like an hour and a half and they put this show together.

And it was like acrobatics and shit. But my daughter emceed it. And she did the big welcome to the Thanksgiving show. And it was like so funny. It was like that was me at 10. Give me a microphone. Let me emcee. And I was doing that shit. And that's, that's, I never

thought, like you said before, like, I didn't think about show business. I didn't think about entertainment. I just thought about standout. I want to stand up there and do that, that energy. That's it. And it just led where it led. It's kind of funny in all the time that's passed that now probably the thing that people know you from, from the most is being on Stern and doing a podcast and doing other people's podcasts and doing your own radio show on Sirius, on the Stern channel. Because it's all gone like 180 right back. The family business. Yeah, I mean 360 in fact. Right.

Back to what your dad did. Right. That's like, I mean, you are known as being a hilarious podcaster, which is essentially the same thing. I'm a broadcaster. It's the same thing, right? Yeah, and I didn't want to go in there. I remember growing up,

I was like, I don't want to be on radio. You know, I didn't get it. I'd go in and do my dad's radio show, and I thought it was so fucking weird that there was only a few people, and we were talking to each other, and we were, like, I didn't know who we were talking to.

And then what really sold me on radio was, like, doing stand-up on the road and going in at, you know, 637 in the morning in Toledo and going in and talking to these shock jocks and doing four or five in a row on a Thursday morning. And I started to get into it. I liked that they were challenging me and that they you had to get on their moving bus. It's like, you know, they were going to fucking bing, bing, bing, and now let's go to Wally the weather guy. And you had to send your head a spinning because you just got in on a flight four hours before.

And I like the challenge of having to, like, you know, go toe-to-toe with those guys. And then you get to know the guys that you like, like, you know, Preston and Steve and Philly. Yeah, great guys. I mean, just there's guys we both work with, and they're the ones that really shine. Kevin and Bean in L.A.

Kevin and Bean. And so you go back, and then all of a sudden you go like, wow, this is a cool way to make your living. These guys don't have to travel. They get to kind of do what I'm doing, but in the same place. Dale Dudley and crew in Austin. That's another great one. Right, right. There's a few left, but not many.

The business is dying. Bob and Tom. The business is dying. It's changing. left, but not many. The business is dying. Bob and Tom. The business is dying. It's changing. Uncle Nasty in Denver. Yeah, he's a great guy. Here's the issue, and here's what's missing. First of all, the medium can only go so far on regular radio.

Censorship and the fact that there's commercials. It sucks. It ruins the show. It ruins it. You can't go an hour without taking a break for a Pepsi ad You're fucking up the conversation. You just you just are they need to figure out a way to sandwich Advertisements in the radio But I think ultimately the real problem is that radio as a medium like one group getting to decide what gets

Distributed and only a sim a small amount of channels. It's a ridiculous idea We all know a hundred guys that were more entertaining than the local radio DJs that we had to deal with in a lot of towns. A lot of regular guys who were like, maybe they were construction workers, maybe they were lawyers, but they were hilarious and interesting to talk to and they would make a way better fucking DJ. And a lot of those guys knew that too.

Yeah, they knew it. So when you came in, they would challenge you. And what I liked was learning how to do radio and then eventually starting to shift it. so it started out they were interviewing me and then i got good enough where all of a sudden i was interviewing them and i would i you'd find the one guy you could shit on whoever was in charge you go after that guy because his sidekick and the radio and the weather girl they fucking hate this guy because he's a control freak and they always have to put up with shit.

So when you take him on, they got your back. They're laughing at him. So you start there and then you just start asking him personal questions. And by the end of the interview, it's like they come around because they know it's good radio and you're not being fucking directed. And the going after you with personal questions right away is such a hack technique because all you're trying to do is make someone insecure all you're trying to do is put them back on their heels all you guys if you're you know

whatever you're doing whatever questions you're asking that are intrusive like i see what you're doing all you're trying to do is make someone uncomfortable because you don't even really have anything to say you don't have enough enough confidence in your ability to actually be interesting without immediately trying to fuck with someone, especially like the comedian morning DJ thing. A lot of guys are great. A lot of guys are great to deal with, but there's a small percentage of DJs that always resent comedians.

And I've heard a million comedians say it, and for whatever reason, whether they think that they could have been us or they wanted to do what we do or they resent the fact that they can't do it, whatever the fuck it is, they consider themselves funny, but there's no actual proof. They don't get that instant feedback that we get from being on stage all the time. So there's a weird sort of a thing between DJs and comedians sometimes. Yeah, and sometimes it is that the best ones I find still do it.

They're like, oh yeah, and I'm hosting the early show Saturday, and you're like, oh, fucking that's great, man. So you're on my side. You're a comic, and you don't want to throw me under the bus because there is somewhat of a brotherhood. It's the guy that quit, and now you come in, and he sees that you're making more money than him.

You're working an hour a night. How about the guys who quit and become managers? Really? Those guys are foul. I don't know any stand-ups that became managers. There's a few. Comedy managers? Yeah, there's a few.

People that quit and then they got into the business through some weird backdoor. Yeah. They're controlling young talent. Right. Controlling the future and the dreams. Right. Sucking it up.

Have you ever met a casting director that was like that? That had this thing about controlling the dreams? Controlling your dreams? You know, I never... I would audition for casting directors. I never got jobs, so I never got to know them. I knew them as well as, yeah, there was traffic on the 405.

Sorry I'm late. And do you want me to do that again? No, thanks. They would have like little pets that they would book, book in gigs. Yeah. Guys that had gotten close to them. And there was this one woman that I knew that was a casting director that was always banging these guys that would audition for things. No shit.

Yeah. The casting couch. Yeah, well, she threw it on dudes. And she was ultra aggressive, too. And she would, like, my friend was driving somewhere with her. And she was like, look, we could just stop at my place. It's only two minutes away. Ha, ha, ha.

Just kidding. Actually, I'm not. And he's driving, and he's trying to figure out how to, you know, they're supposed to go to this thing together or some function. And, you know, she's essentially saying, look, I'm two minutes away. Come and fuck me. You know, pull into my house house real quick and then we'll be on our way and he's panicking you know because he thought this would be a good thing for his career to go with her to this thing and be close to her and he would never know she might cast in something and she's literally just slinging her pussy at him and she's disgusting unfortunately I like the story because how many guys casting directors have done,

you know, the famous casting. So I'm at least glad that there's a woman doing it. But you know who they love? You know who casting directors love? Who? Brian Callen, man. Of course they do. He's hilarious.

He charms the shit out of the room, too. The worst thing is I'd go to an audition, and already I'm like, I just, I went to acting school for two years in New York, and I always felt like I was a good actor, but I was a bad auditioner. I just never got it, how to do it. And the worst was I'd sign in, and I'd look at the signature ahead of me, and it's Brian Callen. And now I'm sitting there waiting to go in.

And you can hear the laughter. And the door opens, and he's got his arm around her, and they're meeting for lunch. And I'm like, fucking, can you validate parking? He's already given her three different books to read. Told her which authors he really appreciates. New York Times said about him that his book may be one of the most important books ever. And by the way. And, you know, Keynesian economics.

I'd shift some of your mutual funds to... He's hilarious. But, yeah, he's really good at that auditioning thing. What's your... Well, you got put into development deals, and you didn't like auditioning for news radio, right? I auditioned for news radio, and I auditioned for the shows on before it, too, called Hardball.

It was actually hilarious and ridiculous, but I'd only auditioned twice ever for two different things. Hardball, which I got, and then News Radio, which I got. Those were the only two auditions that ever went on. What was your secret? Just get lucky. Just get lucky and be cast into something that it makes sense for me to be

cast into. I didn't try to do anything. I was trying to be a comic and then I did MTV's Half Hour Comedy Hour and I got a development deal. My manager, who's a fucking genius. Yeah, with Disney. My manager is a genius. He's always been a really clever guy, and what he did was I had an offer for a development deal with MTV,

but it was after MTV had gotten ruined by Dennis Leary leaving. Dennis Leary became a big star on MTV, and then he bolted. And so MTV was like, all right, we're going to lock people in to like serious contracts now. Right, I remember that. So they had this ridiculous contract. It was like shit money and it was for a long period of time. And their sentiment, their idea was we create stars. Like you get on MTV and we're going to create, we're going to turn you into a star.

It was like, wow, I don't know. It sounds great. Like I'd don't know. It sounds great. Like I'd be on MTV. That sounds great. I'd be like totally Pauly or something, but fuck. And so my manager said he made him, he took my tape of me on the half hour comedy hour and sent it out to all these different production companies and said, this guy's about to sign an exclusive deal.

If you want something, you have to move within 48 hours. And so all of a sudden we had all these development deal options and I was in LA in a minute. It was all because of my manager. He's just exactly what a manager is supposed to do. He made a move. Big picture. And he made a move that I would have never done. I would have never figured out how to do it. I would have never thought of it. He knows the business, and he's super clever. And he knows when there's a little feeding frenzy, and he knows how to start one. Then all of a sudden, I'm on TV, within months. Did he have big clients before you? He had Bob Nelson.

Bob Nelson, who was a big guy on HBO, he did a special, an hour special on HBO, and he was on the Rodney Dangerfield special. But he never really did much acting, right? No, well, I think he did a couple of movies, but he was huge as a stand-up at the time. He would do the thing with the shoulder. Number 75. Yeah. I mean, 57.

A boxer and do all these characters on stage. He was hilarious. Well, he got clean and sober. And found God. And found God. And God found him, or however they met. And we met on J-Date. They became BFFs.

Grinder. And he decided. Don't lead him to meFFs. Grinder. And he decided that he was going to use his prayer partner or something like that as a manager. So he gave my manager notice that he was going to leave and be managed by this guy. So my manager flew out to, or drove out, rather, to Boston to look for new talent. That's how I met him. I met him because of this guy. If it wasn't for Bob Nelson and Jesus, I would have never met my manager.

So Jesus brought me to my manager, who I think is the most important person I've ever met as far as my career. Jeff Sussman, for sure. And he's Jewish. We've been together since I was like 22 or something like that. That's amazing. We've been together from the beginning. That is rare for people not in show business.

The thing is, it's a very tenuous relationship with management. Like, I remember my first manager, I really thought, I bought into the whole, like, we're best friends, which didn't organically happen. As a matter of fact, it never really did happen, but I believed it did. And so to actually strike a real friendship with a manager, I warn people off of it. I tell young comics, look, remember all your representation, agents, managers, they believe in you, and that's amazing,

and you should be really thankful for that. They're going to wake up every day and be the only other person thinking, I want Greg Fitzsimmons' career to go better. So that's great. But remember that they're going to drop you if you're not making it. You know, at the end of the day, they're working at a job, and they've got to show some profits at the end of the year. So don't get too invested in the friendship thing.

But with you guys, over so many years, it becomes a friendship that is probably, what, like equal to the business relationship? More than. Because if our business relationship ended, our friendship would never end. Right. And our business relationship would never end either. I mean, I told him when we first started working together, I just knew. You know, there's certain things in life you just know.

And he's not just a, first of all, he's fucking hilarious. He's without a doubt the funniest manager of all time. He's a hilarious guy. Never thought about doing stand-up. But he says ridiculously funny shit all the time. And he loves making comics laugh, so catch you off your guard and say something ridiculous and hilarious.

He understands comedy in and out. He's also brutally honest. He was fucking brutally honest with me when I sucked. When I first started out and he saw my potential, he was brutally honest with me when he told me he thought I was playing pool too much

and I wasn't doing enough stand up we've been friends when we first started becoming a manager he also became my friend so if I had to pick 20 people 20 people we're all going to die and 20 people are going to go off into space and live forever

he's coming with me if he wants to so I agree with you though for the most part my agents people are going to go off into space and live forever. He's coming with me if he wants to. Wow. Yeah. So I agree with you, though, for the most part. Like, my agents, please. They come, they go. Do they listen to the podcast? This is this. I love them.

I love my current agent. She's awesome. But what happened with me was a series of betrayals and, you know, bad deals and people, you know, just a lot of stupid shit has happened with agents. Not a single stupid shit has ever happened with my manager. And the position I think a good manager has is a good manager is looking out for your career in total for the long haul. And Sussman, one of the things he always gives me great advice as far as do what you actually want to do.

Forget about how much this is paying you. Forget about how this would pay you more. I'm going to inform you this is how much you're going to get paid this much more or this is this and this is that. But what do you want to do? Let's look at your life and your career as a whole. What would you want to do right now? Do you want to be in computers? Do you want to be an architect?

Do what you want to do. now? Yeah, do you want to be in computers? Do you want to be an architect? Do what you want to do. Right. And he's always had that advice. Right. It's never been like, go specifically for this amount of money. And there were some times where it was like,

I don't know what to do. Like, Fear Factor was a perfect example. Like, jeez, I don't know, do I really want to host a fucking game show

where they sick dogs on people? He's like, well, you know, you got to think about this. You're ultimately going to be the one doing it. I mean,

here they're offering me this big show and he's saying, you know, don't do it if you don't want to do it, but if you want to do it, this is the show. Right. You know, it's like, well, you've got to think about this. You're ultimately going to be the one doing it. Here they're offering me this big show, and he's saying, don't do it if you don't want to do it, but if you want to do it, this is the show. It's like a smart way to handle a career. His position has always been the manager's there for the long haul. The agents, they're great, but they're a tool. They're a way that you connect to the buyer. They're a way you connect to the person who wants to put you on a show. By nature, they're going to drop you faster

if you're not making money because they represent way more people. Yeah, they're like a stock market. There's some humanity involved, but when the Carlos Mencia thing went down, my agent dumped me.

I had an agent dump me before that. There's a lot of dumping going on. There's a lot of abandoning and this ain't going to work or phone calls after a bad audition. You better shape up. Fuck you. there's a lot of dumping going on. There's a lot of, like, abandoning, and this ain't gonna work, or, you know, phone calls after a bad audition, you better shape up.

Fuck you. Fucking end this. You know, those weird ones, you know? We're like, this is just weirdness. Right. You know, you... I had it here. It's just my... I went through a lot of agents in my life,

and I've been really lucky. I got one that... Not just one, but, like, the agency I'm with, there's kind of, like, the big guy, and then there's then there's the guy that does day-to-day more stuff, who's also a big guy. But I've been there so long that they've both moved up, but extremely loyal to me and I respect them. I feel like they give me a good shake. But one agent that I left was my fault. It was at G it was at Gersh. I was at Gersh, where I was happy, and I,

you know, and I like, I like some people over there, but I was in the hallway during pilot season, and there was this black agent named Lori, and then,

Shit, you said her name. And then there was a black assistant for somebody. Can they just be people? What, the blacks? Someday.

No, these people, these people that you're mentioning, that you keep calling black people. No, but it's important for the story. It's important for the story. So the other girl's name is like Danielle, okay? And so I'm in there one day, and this is back in pilot season where there wasn't email and shit. So when you had auditions, they either had to FedEx a script to your house

or you had to drive to your agent's office and pick up some scripts. So it was back in the day where, Joe, if I could tell you how many fucking auditions I went in on in my life, I am so grateful to the agents that believed in me. I mean, I had so many swings at the plate and it was not meant to be. So I'm in there. I got a fucking arm full of scripts for auditions. I'm going in. It's pilot season and I'm walking out and I see a black woman and I go, hey, Danielle. And she goes,

it's Lori, who's the big agent. And I went, oh, okay. And on the ride home, I call my agent. I'm like, yeah,

I think I have to find, I call my manager. I said, I think I got to find another agency. Because you don't get past that. Yeah, well, that's just a mistake. Why do people get so upset if you call them the wrong name? I don't know if they another agency. Because you don't get past that. Yeah. Well, that's just a mistake.

Why do people get so upset if you call them the wrong name? I don't know if they got upset. I projected it. Most likely. They probably got upset. People get upset if you don't say the right noise with your mouth that represents them. Right. They're very attached to it, especially when it's a name that's not even original.

It's not like your name is Kwanalama Chanalda, some shit you made up. I do have a hard time telling black people apart, though. No, I'm not kidding you. I believe you. You're so good, though, at telling Asians apart. It's part of your routine. You did it successfully on the fly on your new special. I thought it was hilarious because I was driving

home. I was like, this motherfucker did it on a special. I do it every night. Well, you have this weird thing where you can tell who's Cambodian, who's Filipino, and you're probably

like 80% on. 93. I was in Edmonton last week and I called out, there were four girls in the audience and I guessed them

in order. I said, you are Filipino, which is kind of a slam dunk because there's a lot of Filipinas in that area. I do my research. And then I called out one woman was Korean.

And then another woman said she was Asian. I said, you're Indian. She said, yes, I actually am Indian. And the last one I said, you're half white and the other half is Japanese. Four for four. How can you tell, Greg? I could tell Japanese is usually like they have a look that looks Japanese. Well, Japanese, they're the palest of the Asian women,

and their faces are a little bit puffy, but in proportion. Right. If I can see their feet, it's over. I got it. But no, Vietnamese are very petite, very angular, and puffy lips. Filipinas are the largest breasted of the Asian women.

Chinese really do have flatter faces. It's that simple. Koreans are a larger version of the Chinese. Cambodians have a tan. Did you see the article about the woman in China who had had like $100,000 worth of plastic surgery, met a man, and then the husband, when the children came out, was suing

because he thought that she had had sex with another man. Like there was no way the kids could be this ugly if they were from his beautiful wife. And then he found out that his wife had had all this plastic surgery and he won. Wow. He won.

No shit. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He won because his wife was too ugly. Well, just think about the nose job thing. Pulled it up, Brian. I mean, you have kids that come out with giant fucking noses and your wife doesn't and you don't.

Yes. That happens. Yeah. Yeah, that happens a lot in Newton where I grew up. Right. Yeah, that's the nose job capital of the East Coast. Well, there's a lot of nose jobs, man, and young kids, too. It's really sad when you see a young kid getting their face cut open.

There's a kid in my neighborhood that's 16 that just got a nose job. No, that's apparently like in Hollywood, that's a big sweet 16 present for girls is the nose job. Yeah, this is the guy. This is the evil man. It says it's a hoax. Oh, it's a hoax? Yeah. God damn it, the telegraph.

What date was that? This was... It's a hoax? Hoax. November 9th, 2013. Oh, okay. So that must be the late... It's hard to tell.

No, look, man. If a girl has plastic surgery, you kind of can tell. I don't know. If she had that much plastic surgery, the guy's got to be a moron to think that that's her natural face. Yeah, it didn't make sense that you could actually do that. It didn't make sense that you could actually sue something for that. Yeah, it looks like it was a marketing thing for a plastic surgery company. Wow.

That's actually pretty clever. That's smart. Yeah, because it's amazing what they can do. Have you seen what a lot of these Asian women are doing with their eyes? No. Especially Korean. South Korea apparently is the plastic surgery capital of the world. And a lot of South Korean women are getting plastic surgery facial work done.

And they get this weird thing done to their eyes where their eyes look enormous. They turn their eyes from Asian eyes to these anime eyes. It's very odd. Pull some pictures of it up, Brian. It's very weird. And it's like, it's very prevalent. There's a lot of people getting it done. Well, Koreans have very, they have, how do you say it without sounding offensive?

They have thinner eyes. Thinner eyes. Well, they're getting that shit changed. Yeah. And they're also getting their jaws changed. There's girls who are getting their jaws broken. Always into that for women. Broken and then reset to make a more

appeasing shape. There's all kinds of really nutty shit they're doing to their faces. Chin implants. A lot of women are getting these chin implants. If they have a weak chin, they put a chin implant in to strengthen their chin. It's so fucking strange, man. They put like a plastic chin on you.

And it seems like the direction should always be whatever you're planning on doing to my chin, do half of that. Whatever you're giving me for tits, do half of it. You wouldn't be able to tell there were breast implants if they didn't have to go double D every time. Put in some fucking solid C cups. Yeah, well, or don't do anything. Or don't do anything. But if you're going to do it, just show restraint. The problem with it is, man, just like anorexia

or what bodybuilders get, you don't see yourself anymore. You start getting so micro that you miss the macro. You miss the, No, no. Girls, dude. Pull up girls. Girls surgery eyes. There's some insane photos. Oh, yeah. Look at that. What the fuck? Her chin looked like

it was changed. There's some better ones. There's some ones, women's eyes, that are really strange. Yeah, look at this guy, though. Before, he had the obvious slant, but now it actually looks better. Slant that looks better. No, I think Brian was saying the opposite.

Look at the girl above that one. Look at the girl above that one. Look at the girl above that one. That one. Yeah. I think that looks better. I like the anime eyes. Yeah, I like the anime eyes.

She's wearing makeup as well. Yeah, that's the thing. With before-after pictures, it's always like they're taking them at a different angle. Yeah, they do different lighting and shit. That looks like two different women. I know. Yeah, they did her jaw.

Scroll back up. Let's see that again. Yeah, look what they did with her jaw. That's a different jaw. Yeah, she had like an Inoki jaw. Remember that Japanese pro wrestler that fought Muhammad Ali? Antonio Inoki? Oh, look at this difference.

Whoa, yeah. Crazy difference. That's exactly the same job. She's got an underbite in the first one. Yeah, well, they cracked that open. I had a friend who had his underbite fixed. He was born with a ridiculous underbite, and then when he was 21, he had it fixed,

and then bam, all of a sudden became this really handsome man. Whereas up until he was like 20 or 21, he was like a freak. Kind of makes you look dumb, the underbite. Well, you know, it's a bad gene thing. Yeah. You look at it and you go, that's not right, you know? It's like eyes that are too close together or a jaw that's too long. It's like the whole Da Vinci code that there's a certain-

What's that? Fibonacci. Is that what it is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the Fibonacci sequence. It's like the same thing that you see in Nautilus shells and in sunflower seeds, the mathematical code. Like the length of the – Like the triangulation.

Yeah. The size of your – like all your features, they all fit, you know, the same way a pine cone fits. Like there's a mathematical proportion to people's faces. So when you fuck with things and change them, like, a lot of times it's weird. Like, especially, like, the big nose thing. Like, when people, like, all of a sudden don't have a big nose anymore, you're like, why is your head so long then? Like, where's your nose?

Like, why is your nose so long? I know some comedians that should do reverse plastic surgery because they're too good-looking. They should add a giant nose and shave the top of their head off. Well, definitely guys don't want to fucking hear good-looking guys telling jokes while their girlfriend's laughing. Nope.

There's a lot of guys that don't want that shit. They do not. That's why the good-looking guys end up going so fucking dark. You look at, what's his name, Jessel Neck. He's so good-looking that he has to become broke. Really gross. I think to, to sort of get the guys back.

I would never gone with him. I would've gone with a homeboy from a Dane cook show. Uh, Gary Goldman, Gary Goldman's a beautiful man. Right. Giant too. He's a big,

handsome guy. Played football for BC. He's huge. Yeah. He's perfect features. Beautiful hair. I would go with Gary Goldman. He's perfect features. Beautiful hair. I would go with Gary Goldman. I'm not listening.

If I'm on a date, I'm not happy. This guy's up there yucking it up. Right. This big, beautiful man. Yeah, and not only that, but looks big enough that he could kick my ass. That bothers me also. He's huge. Yeah.

But it's the thing, the immediate, like, I don't like that, which is one of the big advantages of a guy like Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz goes on stage, and it's a human cartoon. Like, right away, you're laughing. He's the Ron Jeremy of comedy. Yeah, in a lot of ways. Yeah, and for people who don't know what you're saying, you know, that's one of the appeals of Ron Jeremy, right? He

is not challenging you. You could walk in the room, tap out Ron Jeremy, and watch a smile creep on that girl's face in the porn scene. Yeah. She'd rather be fucking you. Most likely. Right.

Except Ron Jeremy's got an enormous cock. How much do women care about the enormous cock thing? Is it overrated? There's a guy doing a documentary on it. Yeah? Remember the guy that was embarrassed by his girlfriend on the Jumbotron? There was a guy who, on live TV, he proposed to his girlfriend.

Oh, I've heard about those stories. And he got rejected. She said no. Well, he's making a documentary on his penis size. Because the reason why she rejected him is because his penis is too small. Pull that up. So he's working on this documentary now. He's an L.A. guy. And he's just being

real open about his dick size. If average is five and a half inches, I'm below average. That's what he's working on this documentary now. He's an L.A. guy. And he's just being real open about his dick size. It's like, you know, if average is five and a half inches, I'm below average. That's what he's saying. So it really does legitimately have a small dick. And he's doing all these things, like he attached a weight to it. He tries to stretch his dick out. He's going through all these different things. Oh, you talk about a market for advertising, man.

It's like hair loss and small penis. That's all because every guy – I have a good's like hair loss and small penis. That's all because every guy, not, I have a good size, I have a big penis. How big? Every woman I've slept with

has commented on it. They love it? I don't know if they love it, but some of them don't like it. It's too big. Is it girth also, or is it just long? No, it's proportional,

but it's something that has been commented on. And my brother, as a matter of fact, women that he's slept with have said to me that he also has a very big penis. So you're very happy with your penis? Extremely happy with my penis. So you wouldn't be a good guy to talk to

for this guy if you wanted to talk about people's lives? Now, if he talked to me, I think he'd feel like you feel when Gary Goleman is on stage. Seven inches? No, I don't have a huge cock. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a huge cock. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying a huge cock.

I'm saying it's a really, I think women are surprised I'm 150 pounds. I think they're surprised at the size of it. And I think that it's one of the few things about me physically that's not repulsive to me. I hate that I'm bald. I hate that I'm skinny and that I'm pale. I hate everything about my body, but I'm very happy with my penis. It's funny because the stuff that they use to market for

big dicks, like all bullshit. But the stuff that they use for hair, there's some stuff that works, like Propecia works and Rogaine works. But the dick thing? Nothing. No. Yet there's still things out there. There's still things out there for the hope. Just the

fucking vague hope that maybe something... But my point is, does it really matter? Like, do women, does the average woman really care about a dick being bigger or smaller? Isn't it really about, like, how is the foreplay? How's the motion? How's, like, what are you

doing with your hands? Oh, 10 million in four days. Yeah, a lot of black dudes goofing on him. But did people know at that moment it was about his dick? Oh, yeah. No, no, no. One of the reasons that she didn't think that we were right for each other

was because my penis was a little too small for her. What? Patrick and I had his first experience in the bedroom. That's her? That is a different girl. We were just making out. Sex is a very important part of a relationship.

Anybody says that size doesn't matter? I don't think that size matters that much. Guys with small dicks that say that. I think that the men of the world deserve an answer to this question and so I'm gonna find it. Look at that sad apartment he lives in. That little dick apartment. This is so great, you're on this path. She probably just said, hold on, let us go.

What the fuck? This looks interesting. Yeah, but do you want to? Oh, yeah. Wow. The male body was not subject to a critical gaze. And now it is. Everybody wants to have a big penis.

You know, it's like a gift. I don't want this on my Netflix history, though. Don't be scared. You're the big dick. Let it swing. Someone comes to look at you. Come on, take a look. Well, you know, Colin Quinn heard about it because I'd slept with a few female comedians that had talked about it.

And so there was a room. So Colin Quinn on Tough Crowd said, I want to see it after the show. So we're in the green room and I whipped it out, which you can say when it's big enough. You can say whipped it out. And he was there with a few people, and one was this black woman. And she went, ooh. And Colin was like, well, that says it right there.

That's hilarious. Yeah, this is an interesting subject for a documentary. But when a guy says that something doesn't matter to a girl, he's being a fucking idiot, period. You don't know what matters to a girl. You don't even understand what it's like in any way, shape or form to be a woman. So pretending that you know what a woman wants sexually, that it doesn't matter. It might be the most important thing sexually. How about that? Yeah. Evolutionarily, it makes sense. I'm just wondering because the size of a woman's vagina to me doesn't I can't remember walking away

going like, like guys go, oh shit, such a tight pussy. Like, I don't remember ever really that being a giant factor. Like, I remember being like with young girls who were like, you know, 17, 18, and definitely it was small. Right, but just stop and think about what you've already said.

You've already said you have a very nice sized penis. So for you, it wouldn't have as much of an impact as a guy who's got a needle dick. A guy having a needle dick dating a girl with a tight pussy is a huge plus. Right. For you, it's like your dick is pretty good-sized. It doesn't matter. Yeah. You know?

But to the girl, I think for a lot of girls, it matters a lot. It sucks, guys with little dicks. I'm sorry. It's a shitty fucking roll of the dice, but it's the way of life. But isn't it like, if you look like a bat, like, I don't know a lot about basketball players, but I know there's some really small guys,

and they learn to drive to the hoop better, and they steal a lot of balls on defense, you learn how to make it up in the rest of your game. You would hope so, but there's nothing keeping that guy with a big, giant Ron Jeremy dick from being good at eating pussy and being a great personality and being a really sensitive and supportive boyfriend. It's because he's a star. Well, no, it's not. It doesn't matter. Like just because you have a lot of get up and go doesn't mean that a guy who also has natural

talent and physical attributes doesn't also have a lot of get up and go. It's like the difference between a martial arts champion and a guy who really will never be fighting for the title. It's like there's certain guys that just lack the physical advantages that the guys at the very top do. Yeah, but the guy who didn't have the natural advantages, he lives in a bad neighborhood and needs to kick ass or he's going to get killed. Doesn't always help.

A small dick has to get good foreplay down. Has to learn about fingering that anus. Anderson Silva can be living in a castle, still get out of his Rolls Royce and kick the shit out of you. There's certain guys that can just do that because they have natural physical advantages, they also have talent, and they also have an incredible work ethic and intelligence.

On top of that, you would assume that someone with a lot of natural talent doesn't work as hard, never gets as good, and that is often the case. But just because you're a hard worker doesn't mean you're guaranteed success. There's certain realities about physical attributes, and a guy with a little dick is never going to be able to fuck like Ron Jeremy. No. Ron Jeremy's got a hog in his pants, and he pulls out this fucking nine-inch fat cock, and you're like, holy shimmy, his dick is huge. And he goes down on him for a long time.

He's an animal. Yeah. But what I'm saying is there's nothing to stop a guy who's built like that from also being a really nice guy. Like, so for a guy like this, I don't think his size matters. Listen, dude, it's a part of life. Okay. Just like the shape of your face matters.

Just like an underbite matters. It's a weird thing. Should it be the only thing? Absolutely not. No, you can still be the, you can overshadow that hopefully with cunnilingus and with talking dirty, eye contact. I mean, there's a lot of things during lovemaking that are factors.

I like how you say lovemaking. You didn't even say fucking. You went deep. Because I'm talking about something two men do together, Joe. You're talking to the women. I think that like... Sure, personality. You know, guys that after the sex, like, I'm a shame-based Irishman. Every time I would get laid, I would fucking get dressed as soon as possible and make an excuse to leave. A guy who can hang around and cuddle, that means something.

Sure. And there's also something in cuddle, that means something. Sure. And there's also something in the way two people connect. There's certain girls, they might be exactly as good looking. If you looked at them like, wow, she's very pretty, and she's very pretty. But one girl just has a way of talking, just has a way of being, just has a charm or a wit that makes you just want to fuck her so bad. And when you're with her, it's so exciting and satisfying and crazy. And the other girl, you might as well just be jerking off into the abyss. It's just like you're just wasting your

time and it's nonsense. And she can be beautiful. She could be beautiful with a perfect body. It gets boring after a while. If you're not connecting with someone, ultimately it gets boring. a while. If you're not connecting with someone, ultimately it gets boring. I was in Denmark. I was like 18 and I was over there and I lived there for two months and there was this girl who was like a supermodel. And believe it or not, having dark hair in Denmark is a big deal. Everybody's blonde and blue eyed. And if you look different, like black guys, the guys in the military that live in Scandinavia fucking tear it up. The chicks love it. And I'm up there and just cause I have dark hair, I'm actually doing better than I normally would. I was getting better quality women. So I was with this girl who was really beautiful and, uh, and I had sex with her and going back to my journals that I would keep.

And I wrote in my journal that I had sex with savant, you know, whatever the fuck her name was. And, uh, and I was so surprised. It was kind of boring. She didn't really, she just wasn't that exciting. And so she, I was staying at her friend's house. Her friend read my journal

and told her. And then she, we hooked up again, which I didn't think we would. It was like a one time, whatever. And then she really came after me and fucked me again, hard.

And then at the end, she goes, so was that better than the first time? I go, what are you talking about? She's like, in your journal,

the first time. So she had a point to prove. That's hilarious. She's trying to send it in. I yelped. I gave her bad yelp and she came back swinging. How long before there's yelp

for personalities? Like a floating star above people's heads that you see with Google Glass when you curse her over them and you meet them on the street. That's coming. For sure. Just the sum total of the people that you interact with in your daily life are the only people that actually get access to this. Yeah. You know, like a thing where you allow

people to rate you. Well, there's a thing now called my son does it, called Ask. Yeah. You know, like a thing where you allow people to rate you. Well, there's a thing now called, my son does it, called Ask. Yeah. And it's very similar to that. People ask each other questions. Like they'll ask him, who's the prettiest girl in seventh grade? Or do you like so-and-so? And then the people get, they get rated on that.

On how they respond to that. The problem with that is, do you want to be with someone who agrees with you on everything? Do you want to be with someone who's, like, if you're meeting someone, I think one of the cool things about relationships is meeting someone who's nothing like you. Nothing in, like, what they like.

And you could be like, you really like that. Okay. You know, like, it's just getting to know someone. And knowing that just because you don't like the same things, you still like each other. I enjoy people that like music that I think is fucking terrible. Like, I have a gang of friends that love The Grateful Dead. I've never got it. I don't get it.

I probably never will get it. Spend another one. There you go. There you go. Exactly. I love you. And I hate The Grateful Dead. And I know a lot of guys that hate Bruce Springsteen, and I just fucking.

Doesn't make any sense. Yeah. Doesn't make any sense. If you listen to Born to Run, I mean, Born to Run is a fucking masterpiece. It's a masterpiece. The whole album is a masterpiece. The whole album is a masterpiece, but the dude

is undeniable. Undeniably talented. Just a little too good looking. That's the problem. Are you serious? He's got the underbite. Listen, he's still very beautiful in his own little caricature-y way. In a blue-collar way, it doesn't get any better than that guy. So a lot of guys don't like that.

Yeah. Because their girls want to fuck things down. That's probably true. And also, he was poetic. You know, I mean, you look at the words to Jungle Land. Oh, Jungle Land's one of the best of all time. One of the greatest songs of all time. You know, and it's like, and in the quick of the moment, they reach for their guns.

And even as he gets older, he's still slinging dick. He wrote Brilliant Disguise. Remember he got in that divorce with that beautiful woman? Yep. He got a divorce, and then he wrote that Brilliant Disguise. That's a goddamn home run of a song. Right. Fuck that song's good.

And after 9-11, The Rising, he wrote that album, and it was like the most moving. It was, to me, the most authentic. And he actually had written a lot of it before 9-11, The Rising. He wrote that album and it was like the most moving. It was to me the most authentic. He actually had written a lot of it before 9-11, but in the context of it coming out then, it was the most authentic response artistically that I saw to 9-11. It was inspirational. And they played it

at, God, was it at his inauguration? I think it was at Obama's inauguration they had a choir come out and sing The Rising. And I mean, you talk about my son, me and my wife were sitting there and my son's like, why are you guys crying? And we're like,

you can't explain to him that the black president's a big deal because he's only seen one get elected. Right. And you're like, someday you're going to understand what this moment means and how perfect this fucking song is right now. Right. But yeah, I think that not getting people's taste the same doesn't matter.

It's attitude. You'll never get attitude across on the internet. And when you meet somebody and you see them roll their eyes at somebody you also think is corny, sometimes that's the spark with the person. Well, that corny is a different thing. I mean, it's just like things that I like that are fucking terrible. I know they're terrible, but I enjoy them. Yeah.

You know, I'll legitimately enjoy an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. I'll enjoy it. I don't expect anybody else to sit there and watch it with me, you know? It's like, but I will enjoy it. And you can't tell me that this music that I like that people will say sucks. I like some Toby Keith songs. I don't give a fuck. You like some big hair bands too, right? Bon Jovi. One Direction. I like that people will say sucks. I like some Toby Keith songs. I don't give a fuck. You like some big hair bands too, right?

Bon Jovi. One Direction. I like a little Bon Jovi. You trying to be funny? I like, you know, I like Whitesnake. I like some Whitesnake. Right. But so what?

So what? I like stuff that you might think sucks. Have you ever seen a band called, is it Hair Nation? No. What is that, like a spoof? It's a spoof band in Hollywood, but they've got the sickest musicians. Steel Panther. You're talking about Steel Panther?

No, not Steel Panther. There's another one. It's a new one? No, it's not new. They've been around. They play Tuesday nights at one of the big rock clubs, and I saw them in Vegas. You would love them because it's like the best

Def Leppard songs, Whitesnake, Poison, but the song you really want to fucking hear. Are you sure it's not Steel Panther? It's not Steel Panther. I know that's the same genre, but these guys are... God, it's not School of Rock. It's like...

I'll think of it if you want to put it on your website later but um Steel Panther is fucking awesome I've seen that I didn't like I didn't like

hair metal at all when I first heard it then I saw these guys and I had to go back and now I start listening sometimes to uh Hair Nation I think

is the name of the station on Sirius that plays that music and I had to go back and start going oh I missed some shit I missed some good shit that's fun.

Yeah. Find it at Brian. Brian, find this band for me so I don't look like an asshole. Use two hands. Why am I yelling at Brian? He's your guy. It helps. More people need to yell at him.

Yeah, I saw Steel Panther in Vegas at the House of Blues. They're amazing. Yeah. Incredible. His fucking Ozzy Osbourne impression is insane. You feel House of Blues. They're amazing. Yeah. Incredible. His fucking Ozzy Osbourne impression is insane. You feel like you're actually seeing Ozzy. Yeah. I mean, he moves like Ozzy, sings like Ozzy, sounds like Ozzy.

The musicians are badass. Metal Shop. Metal Shop? Not Metal Shop. Hmm. All right. School of Metal? Metal School?

Metal School? Maybe it is Metal Shop. You're fucking this whole show up. Nope, nope. Trying to find this thing. Fuck, I hate when I do this on a podcast. I hate when I do it in life. It makes me think of my memories going.

There's only so many things you can store. Do you find that as you get older, you have less room for shit? Yeah, without a doubt. It's very frustrating because I'm getting to the point where I used to just write on shows, and now I'm in the position where, like, I ran two shows this fall. This is when I need my memory more than ever before, and it's less than what it used to be.

And I just think if I had my memory from back then, I could actually do this job well. Take some of this. Did I ever give you any of this, Alpha Brain? I'm going to send you a bunch of it. I'll have a bunch sent to you. I had this game. My friends were over one night

and we were having a conversation and they just kept doing that where they couldn't think of stuff and I thought of an idea for a game show that I pitched, sold it didn't get picked up and then I pitched it and sold it to another network and it didn't get picked up

and it was basically it was an old lady it was called Ask Granny and it was me living with my mother. And I have kids. And she keeps trying to tell them these great stories from her life. Like about when she ran with the bulls with Picasso. Or she was on the Freedom Marches down south.

And there are these stories from her rich life. But she keeps forgetting shit. So she goes, so I was out in, you know, I was in the capital of Washington State. What's it called? What's it called? What's it called? And then you, you clap in and you give her the answer, but she tells these funny stories about her wild life. And, and I, and that was like the perfect fucking game show to me.

But that's how people really talk. You catch them sometimes. And it's like, so what I do now is if somebody gets stuck, I will give the most ridiculous answer possible, and I'll keep doing it as they're trying to think, and it fucks them up. That's not nice. They'll be like, what's that? You know, the one from the Brady Bunch.

You're trying to frustrate the fuck out of people? Yes. Why would you do that, Gregory? Because I am insecure with myself. Greg, Metal School was the name of this band, and then they changed it to Metal Shop. Okay. And then they changed it to Steel Panther. Okay, got it.

Then that's the band. And the guy looks in the mirror at himself when he's playing bass? Yeah. Boy, they could have saved a lot of time. I should have kept up with the band. Why do they keep changing their fucking names? Why don't you, like, stay on their Twitter?

Follow their Twitter feed. Well, it's one of those bands where if you go to Vegas, which, you know, my interest in Vegas has crawled to a zero at this point. I used to really like it. But it was great if you could go and Vegas, which, you know, my interest in Vegas has crawled to a zero at this point. I used to really like it. But it was great if you could go and you'd know, all right, I want to see Cookie Jar, you know, that performer Cookie Jar. No, what is Cookie Jar? He's like this guy who plays.

How could you possibly say that? You know, you know, Cookie Jar, you know. Well, he's a big he's a big name in Vegas. He's like, yeah, he, he's a guy who does, he's got an amazing voice and a toupee, and he sings everything from U2 going back to Elvis, and he plays a synthesizer and gets it going in a loop, and then he starts another instrument.

He's a really, really great lounge act. But if you go to Vegas, it's important that you have, what do they call it? Steel Panther? Yeah. You have a Steel Panther and a cookie jar, and maybe you know a comedian that's in town. And then it's worth actually being there for a couple days. Yeah, there's still some great shows.

That's cookie jar. Whoa. Jesus Christ. You don't know if he's a parody or not. He is, but he's not because he's so fucking good that you find yourself just, you're not laughing at him at all. You're there on it. Well, there's like showmen in Vegas. There's one thing that appeals to me, the idea of doing a show at the same place all the time.

I really do enjoy traveling and doing stand-up, but I also like the fact of being a, I like the idea of being a destination. Yeah. Like, if you're going to go to see Siegfried and Roy, used to be. God bless them. Poor bastard. Whatever. He's still alive.fried and Roy, used to be. God bless them. He's still alive. It used to be a lot of people. It is Penn and Teller. There's certain people that go to Vegas and they'll still wrap

their trip around going to see Penn and Teller. They're like, we got tickets to see Penn and Teller. This is what we're going to do. We're going to catch Cirque du Soleil. That's a destination. Those Cirque du Soleil shows they do, like Zumanity or whatever the fuck they are. Those are destinations. Well, somebody who I know,

a younger girl I worked with on a show, and she's like, yeah, my family's in town. We're going to go out to Vegas. I go, what are you going to do there? She's like, we got tickets to see Vinny Favorito. What? What? That's a destination in Vegas now. Good for him.

That's who you want to be, Joe? You want to be Vinnie Fiparito? I didn't say that. I said good for him. I'm trying to be positive, you fuck. He's the worst comedian ever. Oh, no, you didn't, Greg. Oh, no, you didn't.

I'll piss on your little picnic. I'll piss on your little picnic. Little picnic. I'll piss on your little picnic. Well, Carrot Top has got a great fucking gig. I mean, I think that guy makes some insane amount. He's great, though. He makes like eight or nine million dollars a year.

He does a genre of comedy that he's the best at, you know? Well, he's not just the best. He's annihilated the genre. Right. There's no more prop comics. Right, right. I remember who pointed it out. I forget who.

I think it was Todd Glass that was pointing it out. He's like, there's no one else. Like, there used to be a genre. There used to be guys who are ventriloquists. The Amazing Wid. Jeff Dunham and Peanut. He fucked that. There's no one left. Of course, Otto and George are still in New York.

There's a couple of guys like Willie Tyler and Lester. And those guys are still working. But as far as like new guys that are ventriloquists, it's so rare to go to a comedy club and see a puppet. It used to be one out of 20. Oh, and you and I would fucking. I remember once we did a gig out in Western Mass and the headliner was a puppet guy. And you and I went on ahead of him and just did nothing but puppet jokes the entire time. And then we left before he went on.

I remember that. Oh, we were so cruel back then. We had such fucking standards that were not to be broken. You know, such ideas about what's comedy and what's not comedy. I know. Now I would kill to see a good prop act. I love that shit. Get high and go watch a fucking prop act. It'd be great. Carrot Top is a good prop act. I love that shit. Get high and go watch a fucking prop act.

It'd be great. Carrot Top is a good prop act, man. He's great. A lot of people give that guy shit. He also writes new material all the time. Like he did The Roast and he had a bunch of funny shit for The Roast. Yeah, it's a good act. You know what I haven't seen blown out as a genre is the guitar act.

There's guys that are big, you know. I think Stephen Lynch, isn't he a big guitar act? Yes, yes. There's guys that are big but that haven't really cracked to the point that Carrot Top has or Jeff Dunham has.

Well, how about a guy like Michael Winslow who's a sound effects guy? Like, how many sound effects guys are there? Have you ever heard that guy do Whole Lotta Love?

Yeah. Pull that up. Yeah? Pull up Michael Winslow doing Whole Lotta Love. All in his mouth? It's fucking incredible. Do you in his mouth? It's fucking incredible. Do you remember the line?

It's so incredible, you won't believe it's actually just coming out of his mouth. Who was the comic who had that joke in Boston? Oh, Larry Pucci. And it was, you need... This is an auto mechanic singing Led Zeppelin. You need coolant. Here, listen to this. So he's on a show doing this.

What do you want to do? You want to do the original artist? This is Michael Winslow from Police Academy. Insanely talented voice artist. Listen to this. So there was one guy with a guitar, and here comes Winslow. That's his mouth. That's his mouth.

That's him singing. The host has this look on his face like, what the fuck? The drums is all his mouth. Come on, man. That's his mouth. That's amazing. He's shaking his head. It's incredible. That's incredible. That's great.

Yeah, I remember seeing him do Purple Haze one time. And it was like, excuse me while I kiss a fly. And it was like, yeah, I mean, that was a very Hendrix-y version of Zeppelin. Yeah, it was more of a, yeah. A lot of distortion. More blues-oriented. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think he's a big Hendrix fan. How could he not be?

You know, there's a thing that I was watching this Anthony Bourdain episode the other night. And it was, he was talking about going to Japan for the first time and encountering Japanese culture and Japanese cuisine and seeing like how insane their society is and how different it is and how he equated it. He said it was like, it was like taking acid for the first time, but it was also like the feeling that it left him was like the feeling that Eric Clapton and Jimmy Page must've had when Jimi Hendrix came to town. Right.

I go, fuck now what? That's what everybody must have had. Right. Anybody that talks about, like, I've heard people say that, like, Jimi Hendrix is overrated. I've had arguments with people. Like, this podcast is called The Joe Rogan

Experience because I'm a Jimi Hendrix fan. I mean, I stole it straight from Jimi Hendrix. When I listen to, like, Jimi Hendrix, even today, I find it insanely talented, insanely amazing. But when you're thinking about, like, this guy coming out in the 1960s with this, like, this was so alien and revolutionary and so different from anything that had come before. When you listen to, like, Vood But you listen to like Voodoo Child,

like Voodoo Child's Slight Return, the slower version of it, like all of it. The sounds that guy was making and the way he was putting it together. He was so unique. And it was about war. I mean, ultimately he's doing fucking, you know,

he did that in Machine Gun at the, what was the New Year's Eve album he did at the, in San Francisco? It was live at the Film War and like the whole thing was about Vietnam, it's like that was the undertones of it, he's constantly weaving Machine Gun fire in there and rockets coming down and it was like his ability

I heard this story about at Monterey Festival in 1967, which launched not only Hendrix, but Otis Redding, and who was the other? There was somebody else huge that got launched. Was it The Who? Might have been The Who's first major performance in North America also.

But when he came on, they say that backstage, everybody always wonders, like, what was it like? Like, what was going on backstage? Wow. playing the guitar and the lead on the entire album while everybody, I forget who else was there, sat around just mesmerized. Wow. Yeah. Dude, pull up Hendrix Plays Monterey Pop 1967 Finale. Wild thing. He plays it. This was 1967, the world's introduction to this guy.

He was only around for a short amount of time. That's what's such a mind fuck. And he was so young. He was 27 when he was dead. 27. Him and Morrison and Janis Joplin. Three of arguably the greatest of all time. Also, was not a drug addict.

He happened to die while he was fucked up. I think it was alcohol or whatever. And there was famous stories about him using acid, but he really used acid as a way to expand his mind. He was not an addict in any way the way when you think of somebody like Jim Morrison.

Well, I don't know what happened to Hendrix, obviously. He died when I was a baby. Choked on his own vomit. But, you know, there's a huge book out by one guy,

he was a former bodyguard or something like that, that claims that his manager had Hendrix killed because Hendrix was leaving him. That his first manager was a gangster. And not only was Hendrix killed, but his girlfriend was thrown off the roof of a building. The same night? No, like

really close to that. Like after the murder. His girlfriend was thrown off the roof of a building. Wow. Yeah. And, you know, I don't know if this guy's right or wrong, but the guy was in a band, too. I think he was in... Fuck. He was in one of those early 60s rock and roll bands.

The guy was the manager? Yes. Yeah. No, not. The guy was the manager? Yes. No, not the guy who was the manager. The guy who wrote the book. Oh. Yeah. There's also a story about how it was either going to be The Who or Hendrix closing out

Monterey and there was like a little bit of a drama about it. And I think that's why he lit his fire, his guitar on fire at the end of his set. Listen to how good this is, man. And look how little he uses his left hand to strum. He's doing a lot of the notes

just banging his right fingers down on the fretboard. Wow. The Animals. That's who the guy was from. Eric Bird and the Animals? Yeah, the guy who worked for the band, I think. One of the most underrated rock bands in history, the Animals. That's who the guy was from. Eric Bird and The Animals? Yeah, the guy who worked for the band, I think. One of the most underrated rock bands in history, The Animals. I'm pretty sure that's who it was.

All this, playing lead, playing rhythm guitar, singing, and chewing gum at the same time. Chewing gum. And not looking, ever. Eyes closed. And doing Michael Winslow noises with his mouth. Yeah, this is, people kind of have to understand how new this was. And hasn't been done since. You know, Prince is the closest kind of have to understand how new this was. And hasn't been done since. You know, Prince is the closest that's come to this.

Well, there's been some interesting guys since that. You know, there's some guys that don't get any credit. Like, you know who Gary Clark is? No. Gary Clark is this guy out of Texas. I think that's his name. Shit. How much did Lenny Kravitz want to be this?

Gary Clark Jr.? Carter? Is that it? Gary Clark Jr.? Are you just saying that? Look at that. Left hand in the air. This is all being played on the fretboards.

Yeah, this is it. It's Gary Clark Jr. That's his name. Yeah. Pull up this song, Bright Lights. This is, I mean, I don't want to compare this dude to Hendrix and give him a lot of grief. But this guy is a bad motherfucker that doesn't get his due. And I don't understand why.

Pull up Bright Lights. I mean, I guess he does. I'm looking at one of his songs. It has 470,000 hits. So I guess he does get his due. He's still around? Yeah. He's a new dude.

He's playing a fucking stadium. Two drummers. Oh, this is him playing some pop festival or something? What does it say? Crossroads Guitar Festival 2010. Crossroads Guitar Festival. He's gone more to Brother Records.

He's pretty big. Much more vocal oriented. Oh, he's a bad motherfucker, dude. See, here's a song that I've never heard on the radio. I've never heard this guy on the radio ever. I mean, maybe he's being played on the radio and I'm not aware, but this is one of the things I fucking love about the Internet, is that a dude like that with some 1970s cop glasses and a crazy beard.

You're going to know my name by the end of the night. There's some purity to this music, you know? Yeah, well, it's basic fucking Delta blues. and it's he's doing it the right way right you know I mean it's like legit there's nothing that stands out you know there's one thing that used to drive me fucking crazy when I was a kid and I would listen to I know Whitney Houston has a beautiful voice and I know Mariah Carey could sing her ass off but it was that thing that they used to do, the yay, woo, all that extra shit you're throwing in there. That like, if you listen to like, there's certain artists that don't, that have a beautiful

voice, but never do that. They're not showing off. Yeah, you go back. Like Fiona Apple. Right. Authentic. Right. Pure authentic.

Fucking pure. Sinead O'Connor, man. Perfect. Perfect example. Or Natalie Maines. Another great example. Right. Yeah. authentic right pure authentic fucking pure Sinead O'Connor perfect perfect example or Natalie Maines another great example right but

can do it but doesn't have to then you go back to like Sarah Vaughn where she was showing off but not not in a fucking it was in a playful way

that was very much part of jazz and blues back then Ella Fitzgerald yeah you know they were that was flourourish.

That wasn't the, the base of the song wasn't twisting a fucking note to death. Yeah. It was just little, like they would do scat singing

a little bit in the middle. But Sarah Vaughan's voice to me is still the greatest female vocals of all time. Yeah, there's been a lot of great fucking

female vocalists, man. And there's a thing about hearing a great female voice that's very different than hearing a great man voice. Yeah. Like, great female voice is like, people give Sheryl Crow a hard time because she does a lot of poppy bullshit, but that bitch can sing her ass off. Right. She's got some songs.

She has this one song she did with Kid Rock. I forget what the name of it is. Oh, right. The, like, ballad. The night it is. Oh, right. The ballad. The nightstand one. Yeah, the ballad one. My hotel. Yeah.

Saw you last night in the hotel. Her voice is just so beautiful. It does something to your body. It just calms you down or something. It puts you in a different place. You hear it, you go, God damn, that bitch just nailed it. She nailed it.

If you're ever down, you know, sometimes you get, there's always that, you got to call an audible on your depression. Like sometimes you start to feel it and you go, all right, I got to snap the fuck out. Let me get some coffee and work out. And there's other times where it's got to, the fingers are deep in and you got to go, I got to go down with this one.

Oh no, I got to roll. I got to go underwater and roll a go down with this one. Oh, no, not at all. I got to roll. I got to go underwater and roll a few times with this bitch. You got to gator roll with the depression. You got to gator roll with the depression. So when you hit that, you grab Blue by, what the fuck is her name? Sarah Vaughan? No, no, late 60s early 70s oh come on Greg

you're playing that fucking game again oh no Greg you're in the hole right now I'm in the fucking hole Blue look up Blue

I am no shut up not Janice oh uh Leanne Rimes no Leanne Rimes Leanne Rimes. No.

Leanne Rimes. Leanne Rimes has a beautiful voice. Eiffel 65. Joni Mitchell. Joni Mitchell. Joni Mitchell Blue might be the greatest. Top ten albums of all time, I put that album in there. But you've got to be sad for it. You know who can sing her tits off that people don't realize?

It's going to sound ridiculous. Miley Cyrus. She's got a fucking cover. Fuck you, Brian. She's got a cover of Dolly Parton's Jolene that I just put up on Twitter. It's fucking fantastic. No problem with her. But why does she make such shit?

Like that thing that she did at the Video Music Awards. Who was managing her that didn't know how to come up to her and go, Listen, listen. This other song is fucking good. Like, if you could do shit like this, like, goddamn, bitch. Like, this is really, really, really, really good. Because to get radio play, it's so specific what you need to do. And she's addicted to the corporate cock now.

She came up a child star and she can't accept not being number one. So they get led around by their noses. Do this. Do this. Do this. Maybe she's just a kid and doesn't know what the fuck she's doing. I think that she's a little more mature than that because she gave some advice to Justin Bieber. He's acting out a little bit, and apparently she reached out to him and said, Look, man, take a breather.

Go on the sidelines for a little while and Get your shit together because it's a long road. Did she really? Yeah, so I kind of respected that. Well, maybe she just needs to mind her own business. She's helping the bee, man. I thought she's fucking walking around with a giant foam number one finger and rubbing her ass against some guy's cock on TV. Play this Jolie video.

Pull that video up, Miley Cyrus Jolie video. Pull that video up. Miley Cyrus Jolie. I've been predicting this. It's on my Twitter feed. This is a good stuff, by the way. My first podcast of every year, I make predictions for the following year. I say whether the Dow will be up or down,

shit like that. How dare you? How dare you be the predictor? Are you Karnak? No, I'm not good at it. For three years straight, I've predicted Miley Cyrus having some kind of a drug blowout thing in the media. And it hasn't quite happened yet, but it's getting there.

She's smoked weed on some award show. Right. I'm talking about some Britney Spears shit I keep predicting. I don't think she's— Listen to this, man. Put it in the beginning. This is fucking good, man. I like that video.

That's a nice shot. Now let me tell you something. If you could separate her from all the controversy and just listen to this, if you didn't know anything about her, childhood star, dad Billy Ray Silas, you'd be like, that's a badass bitch. You'd watch her. Well, because she's got a husky strong voice. She's a badass bitch, dude. She can do this.

I mean, she does that shit, but she can do this. Come on, son. That's undeniable. That's raw talent, man. No problem with that. And I got no problem with her swinging around on a fucking ball half naked. She looks great. You know how many years I spent sitting on the couch next to my kids watching Hannah Montana and wanting to kill myself?

Really? This is redemption. Why did you watch it? Because, you know, you're with your kids. Can't leave the room? I could leave the room. Why would you want to watch something they're watching? Do you have to be there and watch them?

I thought she was hot. Oh, ew. And she was so hot. I thought she was hot. Oh, ew. And she was so young. She was 14, man. Shit. I don't think it's legal to say that. No.

Did you hear this fucking thing they're going to do in the UK where they're going to actually, like, you're going to have to, this is a proposal, you're going to have to request whether or not you get access to porn sites? You've got to opt in. What the fuck? Really? Really? How depressing is that? It's depressing because, you know, what we're headed towards is that, I forget what that act is,

where the government is going to be able to decide who gets, who is, basically, some companies are going to get faster high-speed Internet access than others. That's what keeps coming up in Congress is the ability to supersede and control internet speed. And so, you know, the internet right now is free and loose and, you know, democratic. But over the next five, ten years, it's going to get bottlenecked.

You know, the little sites that you want to get out, Democracy Now, shit like that. Good luck. It's going to be having a fucking dial-up service. Meanwhile, Disney is going to be flowing through in high def. I'm not sure I agree with that. I don't think that's to be having a fucking dial-up service. Meanwhile, Disney is going to be flowing through in high def.

I'm not sure I agree with that. I don't think that's possible. No, it's a real bill. Yeah, but I don't think it's going to get through. Even if it does get through, I don't think it's going to stop a potential second internet

or a third internet. Right. They already have internet too. There's already a second one that I think they use for, I think it's universities and the military or something uses it right now.

I don't know that exactly. No, but other countries are creating their own. They're calling it intranet. Like down, is it Brazil and France are talking about how they can have a national intranet. Yeah, well, Brazil is reeling from finding out the NSA has been spying on them for all these years. Right. As is Germany, as is a lot of other countries.

And France. And France. And France. You know, there's a recent article that I was reading about Microsoft coding Windows and coding their encryption to battle the NSA. And I was like, this is incredible. Their own country. I can't believe I'm reading this. Like, is Microsoft working for the terrorists or are the terrorists the fucking government?

Because something's wrong here. When you've got a company that's openly talking about working on their encryption to keep the National Security Agency from peering into people's computers, like, what are we saying here? What the fuck is going on here? Not only that, but it's not like Microsoft isn't already lobbying Congress. It's not like they've got as much juice as any company in America, and they still have to build firewalls against the government. I had a conversation this past week with a guy that I deeply respect who was telling me that he thinks Edward Snowden's a traitor and should be in jail, and he doesn't give a fuck if they're going to look into his emails because as long as it prevents terrorism.

And I was like, oh, wow, what's going on here? I've been like, can I come to your house and just fucking look around? Well, what kind of a—I didn't understand the logic behind it. Like, who do you think these people are? Are they daddy? Are they these perfect, egalitarian world leaders who are only thinking in the most beautiful way possible? They're without ego or fear, insecurity. They make the right decisions every time.

Are they that, or are they just people with jobs that are able to peer into your email? Because it appears that it's that. Well, go back to Watergate. I mean, just the little amount that they, you take a, this government now may not be threatening to you, and the state of the government

may not be threatening. The status quo is pretty safe right now. Everybody's stocks are going up, and there's no political prisoners. But that shit changes fast. If the Tea Party gets into office and the Christian right is indulged and they suddenly start saying, we want to go back and see who signed a petition for abortion rights because all of a sudden abortions are illegal and they want to know who's going to be fighting

against them and they're going to start accessing shit that it may not be now, but in 10 years you're not going to want a digital history that's available to anybody in the government that's in power. Well, that's also one of the things the NSA has been looking into. They've been looking into finding out people's porn history so that they could use them to discredit opponents. Of course. Because, you know, there's a lot of people out there that are into freaky shit. Right.

And by the way, if you look at porn these days, you look at, like, go to one of those porn sites, those free porn sites, and you click categories, and you're like, Jesus, Louisa's. It gets very specific. Yes, it does. And weird shit. Like, what if you found out that your congressman was only into anal cream pies? How would you deal with that?

Like, hey, that's on him. But then you found out the other guy, he just likes watching straight couples porn. Hey, Bob is one of us. He's a regular guy. He wants to represent Minnesota in a quality, healthy way. Sure, he watches a little porn, but who doesn't? But here's the kind of porn he watches. He watches guys and girls.

In fact, white guys and white girls. Missionary position. Look, their hands are interlocked. Meanwhile, his opponent Steve, mostly tranny porn. Mostly anal cream pies in tranny porn. He likes to see the dripping juices of a man leaking out of a... The booty of a man. Yeah, it's really, it's anybody's game in the future because we're leaving a fucking big footprint.

And I don't know, maybe we're being naive and living that way in the first place. Well, I think we should crack down on anyone who tries to control anything instantly. I think we should boycott them. I think we should rise up. I think anytime you see anything

where they're trying to control people and it's not justified, attack. On the internet. Yeah, it's the only way it's going to work out. They have to realize that there's real repercussions for trying to control people and it's not justified, attack. On the internet. Yeah. It's the only way it's going to work out. Like they have to realize that there's real repercussions for trying to control people. And there's also, there's things that I think that people do online because of anonymity and because of the fact that this is a new thing to be able to interact with people without

any social repercussions, without seeing their face when you insult them. Because of that, there's a lot of mean, evil shit that goes down on the internet. And I agree that there's something gross about that. And maybe there's some sort of a compromise in that regard where identities can be exposed if someone turns out to be a real piece of shit online. But I think they're doing YouTube now.

I think you have to start with your Facebook. One of them, you have to actually, if you make comments, your identity has to be searchable. Yeah, well, Google is also being owned or owns YouTube now. Google owns YouTube. Yeah. No shit. Yeah, so that's probably where that's coming from. Wow.

Well, what do you think about the group Anonymous? I think there's a real need for something, whether it's anonymous, call it whatever you want to call it. I like the name of anonymous because I like the principle behind it. But I think they do a lot of good shit when things go bad. They chased after this girl. There was a video of this woman who was throwing puppies into the water. She was throwing them into a river and people were horrified. They went after that bitch. And I think they should. That's a sociopath. A person is tossing puppies into a river. Like that's fucked. That's fucked to watch. I think in situations like that, I think it's good to have a united front, to have a bunch of people who recognize a moral issue, like something that's morally wrong and

realize they can do something about it and they could bring in the law. They could actually find someone and inform on them. Yeah, they're the renegade, like the cop who can't get the criminal because of the rules, and they can go around. And then the obvious danger is, well, first of all, anonymous is a loose network of people because by their very nature, they don't know each other. Certain ones, they don't meet. There's no website for them. It's just people that have the capacity to get online and hack seem to have a sensibility, who call themselves anonymous, of going after big business when they're divulging your information or sometimes even just showing the government where there's open – what do they call them? Portals into their systems.

But the obvious danger is what if they decide they don't like guys to talk about equal rights? They don't like – it's because they have no accountability. Who knows what their moral code is? Yeah. Well, there's also the fact that you can't have a group of people. You can't. You can't have a giant group of people because they act as a group then. People love groups.

They love being a part of groups. They love acting as a group. It's almost like it has to be a non-group. Right. The moral outrage of people and having things like, it's almost like there has to be a non-group. The moral outrage of people and having things like, it's almost like there should be a list of what companies should be avoided if you don't want to support unethical practices. Yeah. And by unethical, it should almost be more specific. Like if you go to this certain

website, you can log in. What are the issues? 50 questions, and it asks you certain issues. Where do you stand? One to five, strongly support this, environmental or small government, whatever your thing is. Then by the end of it, they can then send you to a group that most represents your collective morality. And then they will tell you what to boycott, what not to boycott, as opposed to being told by a certain news station, you know, think this way, buy this way, because they're assuming you all have the same set of beliefs. It should be more honed.

Yeah. I think there's some value in doing something like that and trying to figure out what people like and try to categorize people in certain ways but i think there's always the the real issue with not being able to totally lock down a person's personality just from a bunch of questions yeah so flat and one-dimensional right you know a person might fill out all the forms and pick out all the things that you agree with and you meet them and their personality sucks. Right, right.

And you're like, you're fucking annoying. I'm not in a group with this asshole. Yeah. And it's like you said going back when you were talking about people that will take a survey about whether or not they think dinosaurs and people live together. Like, stupid people take the survey. Exactly. So that, I mean, you think of the fact that like Mitt Romney was neck and neck with Obama,

then lost by 20%. How the fuck did that happen? Yeah. He was neck and, well, who knows what's real? That's the other problem when it comes to votes. Who knows what the fuck is going on when you're actually voting? When you watch that HBO Hacking Democracy, have you watched that documentary? No.

Oh my goodness. It's all about the voting issue in the Bush election with Gore and how it's been proven that you can, not only can you manipulate the votes with those Diebold machines, they since changed the name Diebold because of this documentary, they changed their corporation name. They became something else. Let me pull that one. Well, the guy was like one of the main sponsors from Florida of the Bush campaign.

And he made fucking machines that you could alter with a third party. Right. Like a third party. Not the person counting the vote, not the person voting, but a third party can inject information and change the actual results of the vote. Right. And no one did anything. No one went to jail.

No one, nothing happened. This HBO thing came out and that was the fucking end of it. And they lost all the paperwork, that company, after the election. It was all carted off somehow in a rush and then went missing. And Al Franken wrote a whole book about it. Yeah. Diebold is changing its name. That's what they changed it to.

What do they call it now? Hmm. I have to go take a piss. Can I lie down for a minute? Yeah, go pee. Voting's just like total bullshit, Greg. Yeah. Go ahead and pee.

Yeah, I don't... I wish that I could believe 100% that your vote counted. But I hate the whole system when it comes to, like, electoral college, and I hate the whole system when it comes to like electoral college. And I hate the whole idea of a representative and state representatives and that your vote only really doesn't go towards like one person doesn't really count towards who gets elected. It counts towards who gets elected as a representative and then how many electoral votes your state carries and how much weight your state carries in the national election. You see it all, and it's like impossibly complicated. And if you

were a cynic, which I guess I am in a lot of ways, you would look at it and go, this is designed for fuckery. This is designed to make it so that they can manipulate it. It's ultimately no one, no one is really, you don't really get one vote. No one gets a vote on everything. Everything is like that. Look at taxes. Look how crazy confusing taxes are. To the normal person, you get all these forms and all this literature that makes no sense. It's not even half of it.

It's not even English. It's like old English or something like accounting English. But it seems like there's a lot of things in the government that just need to be rehauled, updated. Voting should be online, just like you say, online, using really high security, which probably is possible. You could probably do that. You could definitely do that. People that are cynics, listen, they bank billions and billions of dollars every day, gets transferred online. Banking online is a fact.

And, yeah, it gets manipulated. Occasionally people's credit cards get hacked. But it's pretty goddamn good. Banking online works. You could vote online easily. They don't want you to vote online. Because if you can vote online, you lose all the power.

If you actually, if there's independent servers that get to dictate who gets elected for things, holy shit, do you lose power. And if it's not independent servers, why isn't it? Why would it be the government servers? Let's have people chip in and we'll create some sort of a coalition for fair voting. And then we all vote online.

So you'll have your regular election. Let's just try it as a goof, a lark, as you will, for the first couple of years. Let's not have our votes actually count, but let's see what the people's vote actually is. Do a beta test. Yes. And let's add that. Let's make it real simple. Put it on your Facebook when you log in. Would you do us a favor here and just vote who you want for president? And if you want, if you have time, vote for some other shit too. And let's just find out what the fuck people- But it would go through this sealed carrier. Exactly.

And by the way, then we could also have an independent analysis of the actual numbers, the numbers of people voting 18 to 34, the numbers of people voting such and such and what incomes and what have you. And it would be 100 percent accurate and reliable because it would be based on your Facebook or whatever. I don't want to give Facebook a plug. Whatever. Whatever the fuck it is. Google Plus. Twitter.

Yeah, Twitter. Whatever it's based on as far as your login. You know how you do that? You can log into websites through your Twitter and then you can actually tweet articles from that website? Yes. That's how it should be. And if they can verify, verify who you are, verify your information like they can with Facebook or with Twitter, and then you're done. Right. No, I'm with you 1,000 your information like they can with Facebook or with Twitter, and then you're done. Right.

No, I'm with you 1,000% on that. And I'm so, God, crushing that the Obamacare website was so bad because that alone will stop that from happening for at least another five, 10 years. I think it's silly to think it wouldn't be bad. It was made by the government, and it's a first-time website. It's silly to think that it was... I mean, I think the people's expectations of this being able to stand up to the amount of traffic it was going to get are ridiculous. And it got more traffic than they thought, which is part of the problem. Of course.

How would you know? You can't know until you do it. And like every website, there's got to be a beta period. Yeah. Most big websites, when they launch, they launch in beta first. But when you're the government, they assume that you know what the fuck you're doing. Well, it's more evidence that they don't. They probably wanted to get it out before the Supreme Court

overturned it again somehow. I don't understand all this, man. I don't understand how something could be a law and yet all these people are fighting against that law. I don't understand the arguments for it and I don't understand the arguments against it. I don't understand any arguments against giving people healthcare. I don't understand any arguments against giving people health care.

I think the ultimate goal for sure should be making sure that everyone is covered if they get injured or sick. Because we all know that that is what sets poor people completely into a hole. If you get injured at work, if you get sick at work, and you rely check to check, and then all of a sudden you're fucked and you're out the hospital bills, which can be astronomical. It's the number one cause of bankruptcy in the country is medical bills. I think anybody who doesn't think that people deserve healthcare, I think they're crazy. I think we should have a national healthcare, and I think it should be free. I don't think it should be the government has to force people to buy healthcare.

I don't think it should be that corporations are forced to pay for their employees' healthcare. I don't necessarily think it should be that corporations are forced to pay for their employees' health care. I don't necessarily think it should be any of those things. I think it should be a part of what our taxes go to. Water, fucking street cleaning, and health coverage.

Yeah, you should be able to decide. I mean, look, if 48%, if you make more than $250,000 a year, you're in some 48% tax bracket or whatever the number is, that's a lot of goddamn money. And the idea that that doesn't come with a dental care program is fucking ridiculous.

If you make a quarter million dollars and you give $125,000 a year to the government, that's kind of crazy. It's kind of crazy that you don't get health care. What are you doing with all that money? Where's that going? It's going to war. You're right.

It is going to war. And that's ridiculous. And when you see it in perspective like that, I think that's one of the things that we're getting now that we never got before. The actual numbers, they always like $3 Turks and all these different independent news sources where they'll show you with no bias, with no, they don't, they don't have anybody that's telling them what to say. This is just what their take on something is. Look at the numbers and they can go on and rant about it as long as they want. And when something like that happens, those ideas spread out and they start launching and then people start tweeting these ideas back and forth to each other. So we start we're starting to scrutinize things like the budget and how much money goes to things.

And this Obamacare thing is also forcing that argument in a lot of a way. There's a lot of statistics like, you know, first of all, you have to attack the spin. And if the right is trying to tell you that small businesses are going to be crippled because of Obamacare or put out of business, well, that's just not what the numbers say. The numbers say that the percentage of businesses that fall underneath the Obamacare, like there's a certain amount that is just covered by Medicare that's not Obamacare. So if you disqualify that and the amount of people, the companies that are big enough that are required are ready to provide medical coverage for their employees,

it's like half of 1% that would be affected, businesses that have to take it on that don't already take it on. Really? It's all big business. Everything's big business. And same thing with farms. The whole thing about, like, these farm bills that go through, it's all agro. It's not, what do you call it, big agro. It's not like nobody's losing, no families are losing their farms.

Wait a minute. Are you sure about this? Because, I mean, I've read a lot of things about families losing their farms. No, it's all hype. What? It's all hype. I don't know about that. Are you really sure about this? If you look at the numbers, the amount of farms

that are actually lost, there's breaks. There's so much fucking money given out to farms to stay in business. There's so many tax breaks. Large farms. You're talking about corn farms, subsidies? Well, they're all getting it. And the truth is, a lot of them are making crops that we don't need. We don't need

as much soy and corn as we're making. It depletes the soil. There's no rotation. And what we need, we need small farms because they actually have some semblance of rotating crops and, you know, using the cattle, using the manure from the cattle. Everything feeds each other as opposed to these big farms. It's just like we can't sustain the world on beef. Yeah. Well, there's also the issue with feeding cows beef, which is not a natural part of their diet. Have you ever seen King Corn, the documentary? Kevin Smith was on the podcast many years ago and turned me on to it. And it's just all dictating how strong the corn industry is and how much money is involved

in making corn. I mean, it's crazy. And it's a useless vegetable. There's almost no nutrients in corn. Yeah, it's not natural for you to process it. Your body doesn't like it. This is why shit in corn is always synonymous. I'd eat the shit out of her corn.

Why are you seeing shit in her corn? Right. You're not seeing broccoli in there. That's right. Because it has a very thick cell wall that doesn't break down. And so what they did, they made some kind of deal where they're making it into ethanol. They put all this fucking corn into ethanol. We don't need corn to put into gas.

That was like a thing in one year. They said, well, we can always just fucking burn it up and put it into gas. We don't, we shouldn't be growing corn to do that. Yeah. So, I mean, I don't know a lot about it, but I do know that I've read articles about small farms being run out of business, and they've already been bought up by the big companies. The ones that are left, from my understanding,

are not going to be destroyed by the government. Well, I don't know. I don't have enough information to add to that. But I think it is bizarre that we're, as a practice, feeding animals food that's not supposed to be eaten by them. Right. And we have to force antibiotics. And if you don't force feed them antibiotics,

if they don't get antibiotics, they develop all these lesions in their stomachs because their body doesn't want to break down all this corn. They're grass eaters. They're supposed to be grass eaters. You ever have grass-fed beef? Do you buy grass-fed beef? No.

I buy it exclusively now. It tastes better. Where do you get it? Whole Foods, a lot of organic grocery stores. Oh, then I probably do eat it. Sprouts? No, you've got to ask for it. Oh.

Yeah, because a lot of whole—like, even when I was at Whole Foods and I was asking for it, and the butcher was actually trying to steer me towards grass-fed meat. And he was like, it's actually tastier, or try to steer me towards corn-fed meat. He's like, it's actually tastier, it's more marbling. I'm like, dude, I know what I like. I'd like to get that, please. Yeah. Like, don't, like, what are you saying? Like, you're telling me to eat something that's less healthy.

Like, you're saying it's tastier. I don't even agree. I don't agree it's tastier. It's a matter of choice. And second of all, it's been demonstrated that this shit is something that's less healthy. You're saying it's tastier. I don't even agree. I don't agree it's tastier. It's a matter of choice. And second of all, it's been demonstrated that this shit is not that good for you. When you're eating corn-fed beef, you're eating a sick animal. The reason why they're so fat and marbly is they're fucking ready to die. It's like Rob Ford.

It's like if you ate the mayor of Toronto, he'd be a corn-fed cow. You look at him, you're like, how the fuck is that guy still alive? Smoking crack and eating pussy he's their Charlie Sheen man if he came to America he would be the king of Florida fuck yeah if he just went

to if he just moved to America long enough where they trusted him and decided to run for mayor of Florida he would be the king of Florida mayor governor rather

yeah if I think he got a reality show already and then he was such a fuck up they canceled it after like one episode. How could they cancel it?

That's the reality show I want to watch. The reality show is just the internet. You don't want an organized bullshit Beverly Hills Housewives version of that guy.

You want him doing impromptu live press conferences where he talks about a woman accusing him of eating her pussy and says, I have plenty to eat at home.

Did you see that? I wonder what his wife thought. Did you see that? Yeah, I wonder what his wife said about that. Pull that out. That's almost an insult saying that your wife has a huge pussy. She probably said, ask him again. I think we've got some leftovers here at the house.

It doesn't sound like she has a huge pussy. He said he has plenty to eat at home. No, that he's not eating enough of it. You know, I think that- He says I'm happily married. And this is Toronto. This isn't some podunk town. This is the biggest fucking city in, I think, right?

Oh, yeah. Biggest city in Canada? Oh, by far. Yeah. It's an enormous city. Yeah. Massive metropolitan city. Cosmopolitan, very international.

One of my favorite places to perform on Earth. Love it. Love Toronto. Yeah. I love this guy, too. Listen to this. Listen to this press conference. I mean, it's fucking fantastic.

He goes out there. He's got a fucking football jersey on. He's 1,000 pounds overweight. Yeah, he even beats Charlie Sheen with overeating. But he just talks. They stick all the things. He's so relaxed. I couldn't comment yesterday.

Listen to all this. What's going on? I couldn't comment yesterday. Why is that? The documents that was released. There we go. Unfortunately, it's unfortunate I have to take legal action. I don't appreciate people calling Alana a prostitute.

I've never had a prostitute here. I'm very happily married at home. This is very disturbing against my wife. Unfortunately I have to take legal action against Isaac Ransom and George Christopoulos and Mark Toohey. I have to take legal action against the waiter that said I was doing lines at the beer market. That is some great lies, that is not true. You know what? What hurts my wife when they're calling a friend of mine a prostitute. Alana is not a prostitute.

She's a friend, and it makes me sick how people are saying this. So unfortunately, I have no other choice. I'm the last one to take legal action. I can't put up with it anymore. So I've named the names. Litigation will be starting shortly. I've had enough. That's why I warned you guys yesterday, be careful what you wrote.

Okay, so that's all I have to say for now. And the next thing I want to call Mayor Britannia in Hamilton and tell him that we're going to have to spank the little tiger cats. Oh, and the last thing was Olivia Gondek. It says that I wanted to eat her pussy, Olivia Gondek. I've never said that in my life tour. I would never do that. I'm happily married.

I've got more than enough to eat at home. Unscripted nails every word of it. And the best part about that video is after he leaves, one of the reporters goes, I fucking love that guy. One of the reporters says it. It's like finally something's happening. And he's naming names. I mean, the first thing you learn as a politician is keep it vague, keep it general.

This guy's going like, and Billy the waiter down there who said that. I was doing lines. When a fucking waiter says you're doing lines, most likely you're doing lines. Especially if there's a video of you smoking crack. Right. He admits to that. Yes. He admits to the video of him smoking crack.

He's beautiful. He is a beautiful man. Meanwhile, by the way, by the way, he does good. He's a good mayor. The economy has gone through the roof with him as the mayor. He's not a bad mayor. He's also a guy who came up through going to the projects, helping out the working poor, and being an inspiration. I think he coaches a football team.

And the reason why he's an off... His favorability rating is not that fucking low, considering. And it's because the poor people remember where this guy came from and they know what he's done for them. They'll overlook who gives a shit. Nobody really should give a shit. The crack, yeah. The rest of it, who cares?

It's kind of funny that it's crack, too. It's like he went for the most ghetto of ghetto drugs, and he did it with a bunch of black people, and they got videos of him. I mean, does he not know what a fucking cell phone is when they're holding a cell phone in front of him? Yeah. I love that Mike Tyson shit's the best part,

where he said he wants to fight Mike Tyson. He's like, I'll kill Mike Tyson. He said that? Oh, you haven't seen that? That's the best one. No, I haven't seen that. Oh, my God. I've seen one where he challenged some guy to an MMA fight.

Maybe that's it. I've only watched like five seconds of it. I was like, this guy's crazy. Sounds like Jason Ellis. He's a mayor. Right. A mayor. I mean, we had Marion Barry, but that guy was like.

Not like this. He didn't have the dimensions that this guy had. He also does not have the ability to own it. Mary and Barry lied about it all. Mary and Barry was on Opie and Anthony, and I got to ask him some questions. In person? Yes, in person, as close as you are to me. And I was like, what about the crack thing, when they caught you smoking crack?

I knew he only had like five minutes, and I was like, I am going to ask this right away. You can't beat around the bush. He's in and out. He's doing a bunch of different reviews. I go, what was that about? What was going on there? He goes, they do not know whether or not what I had was crack. What they have is a video of me smoking. I go, but what was it? Was it crack?

Wouldn't answer it. Wouldn't say, listen man, I got a little crazy. I fucked Right. I got a little crazy. I fucked up. I smoked a little crack. That's what you want to hear. Now, Bill DeWaida should never have said. That is lies.

That's an outright lie. It's an insult. My friend is not a prostitute. As soon as you have to say your friend is not a prostitute. Twice. Man. By name. Oh, come on.

Yeah. I'm going to kill that fucking guy. I'm telling you first-degree murder Mike Tyson walking around like crazy. I'll get this fucking photo, poke his eyes out. Look at him. He's coked out of his mind. Yeah, absolutely. Oh my God, he's coked up. Oh, how come I haven't seen this? It looks like he ate everyone in the room. And he keeps on saying brother like Hulk Hogan.

Alright, brother. No fucking interference, brother. 15 minutes. I will fucking donate. These kids are pros, buddy. Yeah, no problem, bro. No problem. I need 15 minutes. I need 15 Yeah? No problem. I need 15 minutes. 15 minutes? I need 15 minutes.

No, no, I'm going to do it for five. No, no, no, no, no. It's fine. I'll call it. Okay, now because of this video, I'm on the side of the people trying to get him out of office. Wow! Because of that video, I officially think he's out of control. I didn't think he was

out of control before. I thought he was just being a silly man. Somebody from Toronto that I know says actually he knows this drug dealer that's friends with him. Why isn't he not calling into the podcast? I don't know. I think they already have talked to drug dealers, and I think this is known in Canada that this is just ridiculous. The problem

is a fat guy that dumb is dangerous. Thinking he can actually beat up Mike Tyson and all he needs is 15 minutes and he'll have him down, rip his eyes out. Like, oh, okay. You're too stupid. You're like delusional. That's why you're so confident. Now I understand. Yeah.

Because that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Think of most politicians, like the decisions they make in their lives, the fucking balls, just cheating while in office. When you think that everything's being examined, there's cameras on you all the time, and you're gonna fucking cheat, and you think you're not gonna get caught? I think they've always done it. I think guys like the Clinton

types or the JFK types that have this lust for it, I think it's always been what they got away with. It's always been a part of it. Someone's always swept it under the rug. And so they've always kept going. And they like it so much, they don't want to stop. They like the power of it. But no one's ever been like that.

No, that's crazy. That's insanity. Well, the guy down in San Diego gave us a pretty good run. He was a groper, right? He was a groper. He was a lurcher. There were like dozens of... Yeah, lech.

Yeah, he was a letch. Yeah, that guy was... He's been sued by a gang of them, too. Fuck yeah. Yeah, that guy's going... And what's so sad about him is he didn't even get any pussy. I think he was just grabbing asses. That's so amateur.

That's eighth grade. But seeing that guy say that he'd beat up Tyson is like, do you have any idea how fun that fight would be for Tyson? Tyson would literally, right now, you could wake him up and tell him he has to fight this guy. He could be taking a nap. And he would get in there and he would be laughing the whole time. Like, laughing. Like, oh, come on, big guy. You gonna kill me?

You gonna pull my eyes out? What are you gonna do? You gonna hold me down? What's gonna happen here? You gonna rip my throat out? You gonna eat my pussy? Well, to me, from my position, I sound ludicrous, but I'm willing to engage you in this contest if you so want, if you so choose. Have the dude chasing him around.

Party hard. Look at that. That's a great shirt. Where can I buy that? Please tell me it's for sale. It is. Andrew WK's Rob Ford Party Hard T-shirt. Who's Andrew WK?

He's the guy who's about to become a millionaire before Christmas. I'm buying one. I'm going to buy one right now. Party hard about to become a millionaire before Christmas. I'm buying one. I'm going to buy one right now. Party Hard with blood pouring out of his nose. I fucking love it. It's on Andrew's official party store. If you want to make some money, promote the fight. Tyson versus him.

No. You've got to give him coke first, and then you've got to have 10 dudes outside the ring at all corners with the fucking defibrillators just ready to go. You know that guy's going to have a heart attack. You see him pacing. How does a fat guy that old do coke? That's fucking dangerous.

How old is that dude? How old is Rob Ford? He looks older than 54. I can remember being on a coke jag and pacing like that and saying shit like, I'm a bad motherfucker. I remember being in that space. and pacing like that and saying shit like, I'm a bad motherfucker.

Like, I remember being in that space. Okay, let me stop you. You were 19. Right. Big fuck. Right, right. 44. 44. Whoa.

He's 44. Jesus Christ. He looks like shit. Yeah, yeah. I thought he was deep in his 50s. So what happens to Rob Ford over the next year? Well, Canada is different. Yeah, most likely, right?

But Canada is different when it comes to likely, right? But Canada is different when it comes to their ability to get people out of office. You can't just pull someone out of office for conduct. If they don't violate any of the state laws, if they don't get in trouble, steal money, there's a lot of things that you have to have done to get them

out of office. So right now, they're just sort of taking away his power. They're just slowly but surely making him a puppet mayor. They're removing his power. So right now they're just sort of taking away his power. They're just slowly but surely making him a puppet mayor. They're removing his power. So that gets weird because then you're sort of like crippling your own sort of economy and you're crippling your own government. I don't know if that's going to work. So the idea is that most people would quit, but this guy's not going to. He's not going to quit. He'll never quit. He's suing them. He's gonna sue them to keep his job, but they should show that video, and then have an

expert come in, like a Teddy Atlas, and explain what would happen if Mike Tyson and him got into an actual ring together. Does this make sense, or would you categorize a person that's 44 years old that looks like they're 60, that's clearly coked out of their mind, looks like they ate a beach

ball, would you categorize that as delusional? To the utmost. Bring in Dr. Drew. You'd have to just bring in a few fight experts. Just bring in Teddy Atlas and Jim Lampley and have them describe. And then have Mike Tyson. And then tell them,

seriously, he said, ah! Have him laugh and slap his legs. You know what was a great show that I wish was still on was that Celebrity Deathmatch. Oh, yeah. Where you could put Rob Ford in the ring with Tyson and animate it. Yeah, they used to have chainsaws and shit. That was fucking great. What happened to that show?

I think they tried to bring it back a few years ago. But I was working on a show, and they were doing it in the next studio. But I obviously didn't go. Why haven't they had a celebrity MMA show? I would have thought that someone like Fox would have tried

to do that already. Remember how they had celebrity boxing? Like Screech from Saved by the Bell and Todd Bridges was on it. Probably for that reason.

I think it did well. I mean, they've got that if you can get celebrities to dive in bathing suits on TV, mixed martial arts, fuck. Diving, you think, would be better?

I just think in terms of being exposed and embarrassed on TV. Diving? You think it's embarrassing to be up there in your bathing suit? Oh, you're hilarious. More than getting the fuck beat out of you? I don't like my body, though. Diving? Dude, I would relish the opportunity to show you my package.

Flex on the top of the board. Here we go, bitches. Swan dive. I don't think people would find that so gross. I think fighting would be way more embarrassing. You guys would get the fuck beat out of them. Yeah, I guess it's the ultimate loss of dignity for a man on TV to lose. Yeah, there was a lot of those those ones

where it was really sad. What are you putting on here? That's the diving show. Oh there's a show? I'm not kidding you. It's called Splash or something. Oh wait a minute. And it's Louis Anderson doing a dive. Oh no. Balloon! Oh, no. Balloon! Ah! What is that? Chewy from the Chelsea Handler show. Was that someone in this room making that noise, or was that video?

Oh, God. We had to listen to him? It was, yeah, Chewy from Chelsea Handler. I forget who else. But they got some decent names. And they dive in the water. But he's wearing a life jacket. He's not even showing his body.

No, I think, yeah, that was his thing is he wasn't going to show his body. Other people are just wearing bathing suits. Oh, so some people, hmm. He would do it if he was wearing essentially an outfit. He's wearing a crazy, oh, it's not a, okay, wait a minute. That's just his body. That's not a life vest. That's just his body. That's not a life vest. That's just his body

with, like, something on it. Yeah, that's his body with a one-piece bathing suit on. Wow. Oh, my God. That's horrifying. And he cries a lot on the show. What, it's more than, like,

a couple of seconds? Like, it's a whole show? Oh, it's a series. Oh, can't be. It's a series called Splash. It's a reality show. They get voted off. Standard.

Right? Oh, it can't be. Right? Every time I try to think of. It's a reality show. They get voted off. Standard. Right? It can't be. Right? Every time I try to think of a joke for a reality show, I find out that there actually was one. I thought of this thing about what if it was illegal immigrants competing for a green card? It already happened. Oh, yeah. That's already happened.

Right. What was that on? Probably Fox. No. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget.

I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget. I forget Fox. No, I forget. In a skin-tight wetsuit. Damn, nothing tragic about that. Why is she in a wetsuit? Maybe they all do wear. Chewie, I guess, got injured on that show.

On a diving show. Where does it end? Where does it end? Where does it end? Says the host of Fear Factor. That's where it started. Without a sense, without a ficking hint of irony. Ridiculous. Making them dive. How dare you?

Hunger games, man. Hunger games. Yeah, maybe, right? Well, that's what everyone's always said about the fall of humanity, is that if you look at the Roman Empire, for example, or look back at all the various empires that have fallen before they fell, they were filled with great excess and ridiculous wealth and fat. Although vomitoriums is a misnomer.

You know what a vomitorium is? It's actually the shape of these arenas. It's about how the people spill out into the arena. Oh, there wasn't a bathroom where you went and vomited? No, no, no. That's not what vomitorium means.

Got it. I think people just heard that and sort of, it might have happened, most likely it did, that people threw up on purpose in order to keep eating. Sure.

But it wasn't like there was the name of an arena where they would go and throw up to keep eating. The vomitorium. That's a good name. Somebody should come up. If you're putting one in Dallas, a new MMA ring called the Vomitorium.

Yeah. I think it's just the way it's designed to make them flow, make the audience flow. Yeah. You know, like when they're being seeded and shit. Yeah. But it's been sort of over the years, it's been turned into some, you know, it's one of those things where you're sitting around with your friends. You know, they used to have this thing called a vomitorium where everybody was forced to

throw up. And you're like, whoa, really? It actually is where big crowds can exit rapidly at the end of a performance. It's like an entrance. Like, this is... You can just be vomited out of the place. That's a vomitorium. Right, right.

Yeah, I think that... Nobody pours under. I think that that kind of excess, we're definitely there. We're there. You know, I mean, Brian was just talking about how he can command his PlayStation 4 to go to Comedy Central. Like, the idea that having a remote in your hand and using your thumb, there were scientists and engineers that worked for years to come up with this. Meanwhile, we're talking about trying to change agriculture to feed poor people in third world nations. That's getting, yeah, we gave 100,000. The US

government gave 100,000 for research on that last year. Yeah, but I don't think that's a fall of humanity type thing. I think that's just technology making lives simpler and making things more and more accessible and more and more complex. I think that's inevitable. But I think when you see things like this or when you see things like Fear Factor, we see things like where people are, look, I mean, there's a certain aspect of that to mixed martial arts as well. There's a lot of people that look at mixed martial arts and they say, even though I look at it very differently because I'm deeply involved in it, to me it looks like the most intense form of competition and the greatest challenge and a way where people find out what they're made of. They find out what their character, what lies inside their will and their

courage and their physical abilities. But some people look at it like it might as well be gladiators. I mean, these people are, they're doing that for the pleasure of the audience who screams and boos and turns their thumb down. I mean, it's these ideas that when your civilization gets to a low point is when war becomes much more accepted. People just

randomly, you know, accept or easily accept rather that we have to kill certain amounts of people and then easily accept that sometimes entertainment is this kind of crazy chaos. Right. Well, it's being distanced from, like, drones. When you think about the idea, I mean, I don't know what percentage of Americans think that drones are fine. I don't know what the number is, but it's way higher than it should be.

My friend, who I was talking to this weekend, I was very disappointed, didn't care about the NSA, was also talking about how great drones are. Yeah, I mean, you're talking about the execution of people that don't have, we're not at war with them, they're not the enemy, and they're not, I mean, technically these are people in different countries, there's no war against them, and they're being tried and executed on the spot,

not even by a human being. And we're sitting at home going like, well, that's good because we're not putting American soldiers at harm. Yeah, but we're putting our nation. How would you feel if fucking robots showed up in your country and started killing your people? Chinese robots. Do you think that would start to get people rallied to go attack the United States? I mean, it's going to cost us lives, one way or the other. They're not surgical. He was talking about surgical strikes, like drones doing surgical strikes. I'm like, do you understand

the numbers? Have you ever read the numbers? Even the good spin on the numbers show shocking amounts of civilian casualties. Weddings. The good spins. Yeah. I mean, it's bad. It's bad stuff. Right. A lot of innocent people it's bad. It's bad stuff. Right. A lot of innocent people, a lot of accidents, a lot of people mistaken for the enemy that

weren't the enemy. There's a lot of bad shit that happens when you shoot rockets from flying spaceships. And we're desensitized to that being an actual killing of a human being because it's in another country and for the most part, people see the whole Middle East as our enemy. I feel like it could get to a point where it could be real and effective. It can get to a point where they can have something that's like the size of a bird that can fly across the world and literally is attracted to the DNA of the greatest terrorist on Earth, finds him, and shoots one through his heart. And there's nothing you can do to stop that. That's surgical.

And I would support the fuck out of something like that. No soldiers have to be involved. You take a crazy radical and extremist who's a warmonger. You take them, one of these death to the great Satan guys, take them off the face of the planet. We don't have to worry about planes flying into buildings anymore. I get that. But that's not what we're dealing with. We're dealing with something that's not ready yet. It's like using Windows 95 to run the world's economy. But you just said planes running into buildings, and you're talking about sending planes. Well, in that way, sort of those are drones.

If you can get a person to do it. Right, sure. Yeah, I mean, it's very similar. But those people died. That's the thing. People are like, we've got to take revenge. Well, the people that actually did that are dead. They were on a plane.

They flew. See, they died too. Yeah, there's something. There's an investment on that end. I believe in this cause enough that I will put my life on the line to carry out this killing. And that sounds like you're very pro-9-11 and supporting the terrorists, Greg. That sounds like you're one of them. You're either with us or you're with them.

I support 9-10. And let me explain. I know what you're saying. I don't respect it. I think it's a fucking horrible decision. But it's a much bolder move is what you're saying than being a guy with a remote control in Nevada. Well, you know, look, we're the ones that we invented guerrilla warfare here. I mean, the Revolutionary War.

Not us, but our four founders, the fine men that hid behind bushes and shot the stupid British as they walked in red coats and snare drums up the street. We were the first ones to fucking try it out. Well, not really. We were just the first ones to do it in the Western world. We did it well, yeah. The Mongols had done it much better a thousand years before, close to, or 800 years before, whatever the fuck it was. The idea that these dummies would wear these fucking white and red suits with a big cross where you're supposed to shoot.

Guys got a teapot behind them. It was so retarded. It was the idea of this proper way to do war. Boy, what a stupid idea that was. But, I mean, it goes to what we're talking about right now. Is it proper to send a drone in or not? Maybe I am backward by saying, like, this is just the next step in military action is to not involve human beings. And by me saying, well, you should have

to have a human being killing a human being to make it morally right. Maybe that's naive. I mean, obviously, like you said, if we can target somebody specifically, then there's no doubt that that's the way to go. But I think the further you are physically from the enemy, the further you are emotionally and the easier it is to objectify that person without giving them due process. Comes right back to YouTube comments. It's the same thing. Right. Using a drone and commenting on YouTube and being a cunt, kind of the same thing. You

don't have to feel the repercussions. You don't have to be there and actually shoot the baby in the face because the baby is standing in front of the terrorist. You don't have to be there and actually shoot the baby in the face because the baby is standing in front of the terrorist. You don't have to be there and blow the building up and watch the children crawl out with no legs. You don't have to be there. But that happens. It happens whether you like it or not. There's plenty of videos. There's plenty of photographs.

There's plenty of real disturbing evidence of people that were fucked up by drones. Well, look at Vietnam. The war ended because we had news coverage of it for the first time. We actually had cameras photographing napalm and children being burned in their homes. And all of a sudden, there was an outcry that, hey, this is wrong. We shouldn't be doing this. It would have gone on a lot longer. And that is absolutely why George Bush wouldn't let people photograph coffins during the Iraq War.

They actually stopped information. They stopped photographs. You could take photographs of the war, but only favorable photographs. You couldn't show anybody wounded. You couldn't show anybody that was doing anything fucked up. And you couldn't show any bodies that were being shipped back home to mothers and fathers. You realize that here's where your children died. Your children died for a lie.

Right. Oh, weapons of mass destruction? We thought they were here, but let's keep sending your kids over. Yeah. And then, yeah, the only reporters were embedded. Embedded. Like, here's your fucking tour guide. He's going to show you what we want you to see.

And there's no reporters just like, in Vietnam, they were staying in the hotel downtown, wandering around and looking at whatever they want, shooting whatever they want. And I think they still had to encrypt and send stuff back because they were trying to stop it. They were going through stuff that was being mailed back. You got to remember, there's no fucking internet back then. They were sending hard pictures back to the Washington Post or wherever, and those packages were being looked at. So they started taking the negatives and hiding them inside of other stuff and shipping them back to the States.

Wow. That's their way of encrypting. That's fascinating. Wow. That's nuts. Yeah, so it's – I mean, what is the moral, where is the, what's the high watermark on when you can take a human life? First of all, you have to declare war.

I think it's pretty senseless that we can, that you can continue to kill people without a trial in another country without declaring war on that place. You have to, there has to be an investment that causes accountability. Yeah, there really does. There has to be an investment. Yeah, that Yeah, there really does. There has to be an

investment. Yeah, that's a really good way to put it. And also, there's this reality of detachment that it's sort of contrary to the very idea of technology in the first place. What's fascinating about technology and ultimately enriching about technology is a connection thing. It's not a detachment thing. So this is almost like a preliminary stage before it's done right. Sort of like the Model T sucks for racing. You try to take a Model T out on a race course. It's a fucking disaster.

The thing will fly off the side of the road the first turn you hit. Then they figure out somewhere along the line how to make a Corvette. And then all of a sudden it's hugging and grabbing, going around corners like, oh, they got it better. They figured it out. They got it better. And that's where we're at when it comes to this, with the benefits of this kind of technology. I think ultimately the benefits of this technology, if you look at the trends, the trends being

that it dissolves the boundaries between people and information, that's got to make more accountability, and that's got to make people more aware of their actions, ultimately. It's just not there yet. And so when you have technology that's being used to do the exact opposite thing, like a YouTube comment or a drone, like something where there's a disconnect. Fuck you, fat cunt, kill yourself. Click, send, walk out of the house with no repercussions whatsoever, wave to your neighbor, pretend you're a nice guy, and no one knows because you're 69 POC on YouTube, whatever the fuck it is. That can't keep going on.

It's contrary to the very benefit of the technology itself. It's the KKK online. Yeah, and it's also... Putting a fucking mask over your head instead of having the balls to... Yeah, it is in a lot of ways, yeah. And it's also, it's like, you know it ain't right, you know? It's like you're getting away with it.

You're getting away with it because it's open. Right. It's like people that have gotten away with various loopholes that have existed throughout time that don't exist anymore. People found holes through it, they got away with it, and now you can't do it anymore. You used to be able to compete in the Olympics while

you're on steroids. And then someone said, hey, why do these women look like men? What the fuck is going on? And why are their world records still being held today? Do you know that? Like the Eastern Bloc women, they did a lot of track and field records that still can't be broken. No asterisk on that. With most of the people that are involved in sports science, there's a lot of asterisks. But we had Victor Conte on

the podcast. He was the guy from Balco. Do you know what that is? He's the guy who provided all the various untraceable steroids to all these professional athletes and then it became a big scandal and he actually wound up going to jail. But he's now a guy who openly criticizes all the various people that are doing steroids

and shows how they're getting away with it and tries to clean up sports in a lot of ways. But one of the things that he pointed out was that there's world records that women made. Women can't even touch today. They just can't because they can't be on Anadrol 60 and whatever the fuck it is. But why not? I mean, I always think about it like I'm not a jock, and I don't like jocks in general. I feel like athletes are, you know, they're supposed to do the best they can do, whether it's exercise or nutrition or training.

I mean, you've talked about how there's certain steroids that are not bad for you. So shouldn't it just be a part of the sport getting better? Well, here's an argument. One of the arguments is that in order to be, to really do your best as a mixed martial artist, it's very much like in order to do your best as a cyclist. You almost can't do it without some form of help. And then the question becomes, well, what is that form of health? Well, the form of health with some athletes can be really good nutrition, really good supplementation that's legal, and going to a very

good sports doctor who can monitor your blood and make sure you're getting the proper nutrients. But if you try to do that on the average diet that a poor person is on, most likely you're going to fall short. Of course, there's exceptions to the rule. There's genetic specimens that can eat cheeseburgers and fucking run five hours a day and never have a problem. People are not created equal when it comes to athletics. So it's keeping it accessible to everybody.

Well, it's that. I mean, it's, but I've heard it argued that Tour de France, a perfect example, you literally cannot do it correctly unless you're on drugs. That in order to compete at the world championship levels that we saw Lance Armstrong reach

and all these other people reach, your body is actually healthier if you're taking drugs. You have to dope your blood. Yeah, to do it without the EPO and the testosterone, without adding to your system, you're putting a great strain on your system at a point where it might not really be able to do that.

You might redline your whole shit and break it. But for people to be able to get into the Tour de France that don't have sponsors and don't have an arsenal of money from past wins, how do they get to that level to compete? Well, it becomes a problem because there's certain things like endurance athletics are a real issue. The threshold, the endurance threshold. Some people are born with a higher endurance threshold, and there's nothing you can do about that. They have larger hearts.

They process blood more easily. Whatever the fuck it is. Whatever it is. All people are not created equal, just like some people don't have a big, juicy dick like yours. Oh my god, I just went to the bathroom and enjoyed it again. So, a regular person with a regular dick has to just deal with that in life. Just like a regular person doesn't

have the lungs of a guy like King Velasquez. King Velasquez, who's a UFC heavyweight champion, they did his VO max. They tested it. It's like fucking high-level triathlete. You know, he's got like a 38-beat-per-minute heart rate. I mean, he's a freak. Wait, so then how do you feel about it?

Do you think there should be absolutely no steroids in drugs, no blood doping, or you think that with the Tour de France, it's okay, but not with mixed martial arts? I think that it becomes a real issue with mixed martial arts because it's not just about winning a race. It's about beating the fuck out of someone. And if a guy takes something that's illegal and because of that is able to perform much better and much longer and do more damage to his opponent, I'm against it.

I'm against it, but I'm also against, and this is where it gets really tricky, there's a thing they're doing called testosterone use exemptions where they're giving people medically approved testosterone injections that are competing. I'm against that. I'm against that for two reasons. Dr. Mark Gordon, who's a traumatic brain injury specialist, and he specializes in helping people with TBI and helping them recover from brain injuries. And one of the things that's damaged in brain injuries is your endocrine system, your pituitary gland stops producing testosterone correctly, and you can fuck with your hormonal balance. That can happen with bad concussions. So then the question becomes, if someone is 30 years old or even younger and needs medical testosterone because they've taken too many blows to the head,

should they be allowed to fight? That becomes a real issue. Are we just sort of putting a bandaid on a much greater threat to this person's health? That might be nature's way of saying, stop fighting. Dude, I watched videos today. you know, and I don't talk about this too much because I really didn't fight that long. I mean, I fought a lot when I was a kid, but I didn't really take too many blows to the head until I started kickboxing. Kickboxing was much more—I definitely got hit in the head many times as a young man training and sparring, but the kickboxing was much more brutal. And I used to have pretty significant headaches when I would lie in bed at night. And it was one of the main reasons why I was pretty desperate to stop doing it.

I was pretty desperate to make this choice between stand-up comedy and fighting and ultimately fighting one out, or comedy rather, one out, without any debate whatsoever. But the idea that I was ruining my brain was really fucking scary to me. And also the idea that those shots that I took to the head, which was, you know, many, many, many rounds of sparring with guys who are better boxers than me,

many jabs to the face, many times my dome got jolted with head kicks. All that shit was going on, but nothing compared to what these professionals have to deal with. And for 10 years. And for, yeah. And hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of documented shots to the head in competition. Forget about what's going on in training. You know, I only had three fights as a kickboxer. As a Taekwondo, in Taekwondo tournaments and karate tournaments, I had, it might've been a hundred. It was probably way over 50. I don't know how many times I competed, but that was over a course of like six years.

But for kickboxing, it was just three. And those three were rough. You know, it was that, that feeling of getting, you know, fucking punched in the face and seeing stars, that's not good for you. And to get that- But so there was a part of you that just knew with common sense, like your body was saying you should not continue to do this. But there's guys that somehow don't have that governor in their head that says move away from this. It's not just that.

It's trainers. Trainers want – like I came – the guy that I was training with and the gym that I was training with when I was learning how to box, it was a very blood and guts Boston gym. I mean, the guy who was the head coach was a fucking savage. And he grew up with savages. And when guys got knocked down in the gym, they dusted those motherfuckers back off and threw them right back in the ring again. And I saw it over and over again.

Guys got slammed on the chin. Their legs gave out. They fall flat on their back. And then five minutes later, they're sparring again. you're not supposed to do that you're just not not only you're not supposed to do that you're not supposed to spar for months after that not five minutes later not even five days later it's supposed to be a long time off where you give your brain a chance to heal like some shit went down man did they Did they know that shit back then? No. That's the problem. They didn't know. Now we get to see real up close.

First of all, now because of the internet, because of Twitter and Facebook and the like, people will share articles with each other. I get way more information now than I've ever gotten in my life. Now being in the position where I am as an MMA commentator, people are always sending me things

on the dangers of traumatic brain injury, whether it's MMA or football or even soccer, man. A lot of dudes in soccer... More concussions in soccer than football. Well, not just concussions. Just heading the ball. It's not concussions that's the problem. It's also the slightly less than concussive impacts.

Yeah. The ones that don't give you a concussion but just thumps to the head. Just the jarring of your brain. They're all bad for you. Dude, I played soccer yesterday. Every Thanksgiving, I put together this soccer game

for everybody in our neighborhood. And it's like, yesterday we had 18 on 18 at this giant field in Venice. And so it's like a lot of kids. And it started out, when we started out, the kids were little

and we used to split off into an adult game and a kids game. And as the adults have gotten older, all our kids have been in club soccer, getting better and better. And now it's really getting to the point where they're as good as we are. So my son is in the corner. My son is a captain of his club soccer team. They were undefeated this year. He's got a fucking strong leg.

Kicks a corner kick at me. I'm in front of the goal. And, I mean, the thing has got a beeline in front of the goal and i mean the thing has got a beeline from ahead this screams fucking goal and all i gotta do is put and so my it's coming my head coming my head last second i fucking ducked 10 kids started laughing at me for like a minute i was like something in my head went no you did this is not a good thing. That's called smarts. My son gave me so much shit. Well, he's wrong, and you're right. You should want to kick your dad in the head with a ball.

That shit's ridiculous. Well, one of the reasons why I wanted to bring this up is because I spent some time today going over these videos. One of them is Meldrick Taylor. Do you remember Meldrick Taylor? No. Olympic gold medalist, one of the greatest boxers to ever come out of the amateur system. Amazing fighter. But I want you to pull up Meldrick Taylor now and then go to the first video that pops up on YouTube.

Meldrick Taylor fought Julio Cesar Chavez, like one of the greatest Mexican boxers of all time. And they had this incredible war, fucking 12-round war, where Chavez knocked him down like the last few seconds of the fight and they stopped the fight he was winning the fight up until that moment Chavez just got to him but it was a brutal brutal beating that he took

and now when you talk to him he's younger than me listen to him talk she's interviewing him as soon as Brian yeah I mean you can barely even hear him

his voice is all fucked up come on Brian I don't know what's going on here. His voice is all fucked up. Come on, Brian. I don't know what's going on here. How about you turn the volume up? It was up. Put out the volume on YouTube? What about the volume on the input?

Yeah. Hold on. I'll figure it out. Okay. Well, it's like with Muhammad Ali. I mean... No, no, no, no, no, no. This is way different because he's way younger. Yeah.

This guy's way, way younger. No, but I think with Ali, though, the mainstream... is way different because he's way younger. Yeah. This guy's way, way younger. No, but I think with Ali, though, the mainstream, and I'm not a huge boxing fan, but I saw it, and you just go like, wow, this is fucking sad. It leads to this. And it does, by the way. Terry Norris also has it, who's another great champion from the 90s. And Terry Norris, there's a thing that he put out, a video.

If you go to Terry Norris today, you'll get it too. So is it the video itself that's fucking up? Yeah, I'm going to try a different browser. But it can't be. I listened to it today. It might just be the browser. I'm going to try a different browser. It might just be Brian.

Not me. Terry Norris is another one who is my age. And I listen to him talk now. And it's this massive labor. And his wife is in this interview. And she's talking about how he has Parkinson's. So his body is taut and lean still, but it's because his muscles are always stiffening up. Jesus. His muscles are constantly stiff.

Yeah. And he can't talk. He can't form sentences. You can't understand him. Dude, I went to school with this kid. He got in a bar fight, punched the wrong way, landed the wrong way. And to this day, he's a fucking mumbling halfwit. Wow.

One punch. You know, people think about bar fight. Oh, bar fight. It was funny last night. Jim got it. That's it, man. This kid is like, he was a promising kid, smart. And then now he's like getting arrested all the time.

He can't, you know, he's self-medicating. And it's fucking 25 years ago. Well, this is like the story that you were talking about before the podcast even started about the guy who had ADD and he shot himself. Right. Yeah. Yeah, what was that story?

You were telling, the guy had something. He told the story. Oh, Jamie, that's right. Jamie told it. That a guy had, what did he have? OCD. He had OCD, shot himself, didn't kill himself, but shot out the part of his head that was fucking with OCD,

and now he doesn't have it anymore. He fixed himself. The human brain. There was another story that I was telling about a guy who got a head injury and all of a sudden became a musical genius. Yeah. Never had any musical talent whatsoever, had a head injury, and then all of a sudden had this newfound thing.

Right. No, I've heard of a sudden had this newfound thing. Right. No, I've heard of that shit happening with music before. You know, somehow it orders your brain, and you're able to express yourself still. But, you know, I think that not being hit as a kid is pretty big too. I think that a lot of kids got beat a lot by their dads, and I think when your brain is really young, kids like five, six years old, they get knocked around all the time.

You wonder why kids get fucked up as they're older. Yeah, that's also this intense feeling of betrayal by your parents where your dad abuses you like that, where your dad is this big person, hits this little person, and hits you hard. I've had friends that their dads knocked them out. Dad knocked them out. Like they had the balls to stand up to their dad so the dad punched him in the face and knocked him unconscious can you imagine like standing over your five-year-old

out cold because you just slugged them that's a lot of people man and that's also a repeating cycle just like abuse like sexual abuse tends to be a repeating cycle for whatever reason. The human brain is like very strange and the patterns that it follows, even abusive patterns. You know, and there's a few people that can figure it out and break the code. And that's one of the things that I admire about you. You mean in terms of repeating it? Yeah, yeah. One of the things I admire about you is like we were like 21. You just fucking quit drinking.

You're like, fuck this. You just fucking quit drinking. You're like, fuck this. I know what I'm doing. I know this is a mess. I know my dad fucked this up. I'm fucking done. And you were just done. You were done then.

And you never made a big deal about it. You were just done. When people would ask you if you want a beer, you're like, no, I don't drink. I can't drink. But it wasn't like some, woe is me. Hey, I'm fucking 2,000 days sober. Here's my new chip. All that stupid shit.

It was none of that. It was just like, you know, you just recognized a bad pattern that you weren't going to repeat. You're not a dummy. You're like, fuck this. Well, I think it's,

what's difficult with recovery for some people is that there's chemical, and I think what you're talking about is traumatically, you know, repeating that cycle. chemical, and I think what you're talking about is traumatically repeating that cycle. And I think for me, I don't know if it was as chemical because I was able to stop without rehab and a program and stick with it.

And I think when it's traumatic, it's about, like anything, a new habit, they say, takes 90 days. And that's a big part about AA is stop for 90 days because then you can change the neurons in your brain to start to feel good about what you're getting from this new behavior. It's not just about leaving it behind. It's like, wow, when I don't do that, I feel all these great things. And the reason I don't drink anymore is just that I treasure how lucid I am all the time. You know, like last night, I'm at this party, and there's like a bunch of people I love that I don't get to see enough where it's like I would love to spend two hours with each one

having a deep conversation, and you're only getting like 15 minutes each, but at least I'm like in it for each. I'm not like fucking fuzzy and putting my arm around and going, hey, man. I just know I don't want that. Yeah. Well, you know don't want that. Yeah. Well, you know, you recognize when things are positive and beneficial and when they're not. And just go that way.

Go the good way. Right, right. Yeah. Some people, though, you know, I definitely agree that the abuse thing is a lot more difficult to overcome. It seems like whatever these patterns are that get carved into someone's personality and brain. Is that 90 days thing? Is that science? Yeah, I've heard that again and again, that 90 days, if you start exercising, if you quit

eating a certain thing, that after 90 days, and that's not that it's physiologically your body is kicking caffeine or whatever for 90 days. It's just psychologically, they say that that's about where you develop a new way of being conditioned to not need that thing as much. That's fascinating, and it totally makes sense. It seems like we were completely creatures of habit. If you just force something to become a habit, then it just becomes your everyday thing. You figure out how to work this yet? It's the video.

We tried it on three different browsers, and on the iPad, it doesn't work. We just tried a different video, a random video, and there's a sound. Okay, well, pull up Terry Norris then or see if there's another version of that video. If there's not enough version of that video, pull up Terry Norris today. Let me find the one, the video. N-O-R-R-I-S today. It's fucking sad, dude. I love our new show. This one, maybe?

You know what, Tony? You've got to talk. Hi, I'm Tanya Norris. This is my husband, Terry Norris. Terry Norris. Former four-time WBC boxing champion and boxing hall of famer. We are together Lady and the Champ, and we have a reality show. All right, pause that for a second.

Let me see if I can get this video to work over here. He's got a reality show? Two-time world champion and Olympic gold medalist. This is working here. I don't know. Listen to this. I really appreciate you saying that about me, but I'm feeling great.

I'm feeling wonderful. Of course, I'm about to take place tonight with a new portion. But I damn well follow it, and the champion's out tomorrow. Yeah, that's enough. Is that a speech impediment, or is that his IQ dropped? No, no, no, no, no, no. It's just being punched in the head, and it's what they call pugilistic dementia. It's just being punched drunk. They call it punch drunk because when you've been hit in the head so long or so many times, you sound like you're drunk and you labor over your words like you're drunk. No, I've seen that from guys that I knew when I was a young man, that they were lucid and smart when I was a kid. And they kept fighting when I stopped. And I talk to them today, and I see them talking like they're drunk when they're stone cold sober.

But are they not intelligent anymore? They're missing something. I mean, they're definitely cognitively compromised. Right. And for anybody to try to pretend, oh, he's sharp on the inside. He just has a hard time communicating. Is that why he's telling the same story every five minutes. Right. And for anybody to try to pretend, oh, he's sharp on the inside. He just has a hard time communicating. Is that why he's telling the same story every five minutes? Right.

No, this is bullshit. You're trying to make a positive spin on something. Maybe he can keep going, you know, and he can write books and just can't talk. But there's other people that don't know where their keys are. You know, there was an article in Sports Illustrated about Joe Montana. You know, about, not Joe Montana, Jim McMahon from the Bulls. Yeah. The Bears, whatever the fuck they are. Yeah was an article in Sports Illustrated about Joe Montana. Not Joe Montana. Jim

McMahon from the Bulls. The Bears. Who the fuck they are? Chicago Bears. The whole fucking Super Bowl shuffle. That guy's fucked. That guy sometimes is standing in the middle of his kitchen. He doesn't know where he is. He can't remember what he was going

to do. He was about to leave. He was holding his keys. He has no idea where he's going. His whole rap is because he used to run too much. Yeah. And he used to get his fucking cage rattled. Yeah, all of them, man. All of them. The dude, Brett Favre, is talking about he forgot an entire season of his daughter playing soccer.

He forgot she played soccer. It's gone. It's not in his head anymore. You think about all the money you've got and all that, but you don't have your fucking mind? Yeah. I'll give up a leg. Dude, it's dangerous.

You know, there was a- Not my dick, though. I'd keep my dick. Holla. Yeah, your sweet dick. Put it up on the screen, Brian. You could beat your dick all day. Look at it.

No pugilistic dementia. Now, it thinks straight, but the thing about my penis is that it doesn't bruise. And believe me, I've put some beatings on it. If people want to buy your special, Gregory, tell them where to get it and what it's called. I believe you go to Amazon.com, but I know if you go to FitzDawg.com, there's a link on there to pick it up. I don't know what it costs, but I think it's pretty good. It's hilarious. Thank you.

I enjoyed it. Thanks for listening, by the way. I appreciate it. A lot of comics say they're going to check it out, and they never fucking do. Yeah, those guys are cunts. Shitheads. There's a lot of them out there, fella. Vinny Favorito.

Hey, easy over there with Vinny. He's a good guy. To me. He's a good guy. Come on. And if I can promote again, December 5 through 7, Boston. Laugh Boston. I'm coming up.

It's a great new room, and I'm going to do a podcast the first night, Thursday the 5th, live podcast at the club. Piss on your parade. Live on stage. That's what it's called. Life on stage. Oh, life. Life on stage. Life, not live.

Life on stage. I got it off of Amazon because I switched over to – see, you can hear it. Nice. So you know how it is. I have homophobia. Guys are so afraid. I don't want to give any of it away. Go buy it, fucks. Oh, nice. So you know how it is. I don't want to give any of it away. Go buy it, fucks.

It's good. It's excellent. And where are you at? What's the next date you got? This Boston, Laugh Boston, and then after that in January, I'm coming to Minnesota, Fort Lauderdale, Chicago. You doing Acme?

No, I'm doing the big one in the mall. Oh, okay, cool. And I get, I don't know, I'm doing the big one in the mall. Oh, okay. Cool. And I get, I don't know, a bunch of dates. FitzDog.com and then obviously the podcast FitzDog Radio that you just came on recently. That was fucking great. I was off that night. I felt bad that night. Why were you off?

I don't know what it was. You came in. You know some nights you come in and you're just not there. You're crazy. It was great. All right, good. I had a wonderful time. I don't even use the word wonderful.

So Boston is when? What was the date in Boston? December 5 through 7. And I will be performing. Yeah, on the 5th. Again, I'm still looking for that rights comedian to come down and be on the live podcast. I got a few names out there. Good googly moogly.

All right, thanks to stamps.com. Use the code word JRE and get your bonus $110 bonus offer. Thanks also to onnit.com. That's O-N-N-I-T. We got a Black Friday sale that's going on for another three days, six hours, and 33 minutes as of this podcast. It expires December 2nd at 11.59pm Pacific Standard Time. Use the code name Rogan on any other time and save 10% off any and all supplements. We will be back next week. We got

the dude who's working for Marine World, Marine Land, whatever the fuck it is. He's going to give us the inside scoop of what cunts they are to their animals. It should be fucking fascinating. That's great. Because they try to sue this guy.

He's the guy that was the walrus trainer. It's a big, big whole thing. He'll be on next week. Lots of other people. Lots of other fun. And that's it. We'll see you guys soon. Have a wonderful weekend.

And big kiss from Greg Fitzsimmons. Bye. Bye. Bye.