The Joe Rogan Experience - #426 - Mike Birbiglia

Episode Date: December 9, 2013

Mike Birbiglia is a comedian, writer, actor, and director, and his latest special "My Girlfriend's Boyfriend" is available now.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Mike Birbiglia, easily the most prepared stand-up comedian guest in the history of this podcast. Look at this. Homeboy has got page after page after page. He also has printed stuff. I know. You're writing out in longhand. You're one of the last humans to use cursive.

It's all insanity, though. It doesn't add up to anything, really. But it does. You know, it adds up to effort, right? Like, all that is making sure you're writing things down, and that puts it in your brain. There's a short documentary about Lynn Shotcroft and Mitch Hedberg, and one of the things that he says in his old interview is, like, people ask him for advice all the time, young comedians, and he just says, write down what's funny.

Don't be lazy. Don't be lazy. That's a good piece of advice. That's a great piece of advice, right? Especially from a heroin addict. It's very rare that you get non-lazy heroin addicts. I mean, look, I love Mitch Hedberg. Don't make me laugh at that.

Well, I mean, it's not funny, but it is true, and I think it's important to talk about, because that's why he's not with us anymore. He's one of the greats. He is. In my opinion, he's one of the most incredibly original comedians of all time. He was so good and so clean. He was super clean, yeah.

Yeah, for no reason. Because he was so inventive. His mind was so inventive. Yeah, he was a really unique comic, but he also had a problem with heroin. He had some drug issues, it seemed. I like how you say that. I never. You should go to your office.

Well, right. Well, who am I to say? I was friends with Mitch. I never saw him use drugs. That's true. Well, I was friends with Mitch, and I never saw him use drugs either. And I saw him, yeah. I saw him the final week,

and it's just this very sad thing. Well, when Doug Stanhope and I were working together on The Man Show, the bastardized second version of The Man Show. I remember. Was when he got gangrene in his leg. Oh, I remember that in Texas, yeah. Yeah, he almost lost his leg. And, you know, he came back from that,

and everybody was hoping that he was going to clean up and get his shit together. But for whatever reason, whatever, you know, what's really important. Yes, he burned brightly, and he's gone. Yeah, what was important, though, about his artwork, what he did was he was so prolific, you know, and constantly, and his style.

Super disciplined, yeah. Very disciplined, and his style. Super disciplined. Yeah. Very disciplined. And his style is like a really difficult style to be prolific with. Yeah. Because it's all like weird observations that are non-sequiturs, one non-sequitur after another. Yeah, I know.

I was with, I have this memory when, it always feels like a blur, but like I remember when he passed away and there was a memorial memorial service at Caroline's in New York, and I was standing on the street with Dave Attell and my wife and Mitch's mother, Mary, and she's passed away now, and Dave and Mary were smoking cigarettes, and then Dave goes, and this is going to sound trite the way I'm repeating it, but Dave has a profoundness to him that kind of gets away with this. He was just like, we'll always have the albums. We'll always have the albums.

And it's true. There is something to that. It's like we lose a lot of people, but with Mitch, we have this really special thing. We have these beautiful comedy albums, which are like a moment in time that are perfect jokes and perfect wisdom wisdom, like their wisdom, like there's wisdom in Mitch's comedy as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, I agree. They're just, they're one of those things where, you know, some of his jokes are just

so preposterous, but other ones, you know, you'll, you'll just, you'll just listen to it and you just go, you know, what the fuck? Like, like my favorite is somebody asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, no, but I want a regular banana later. So, yes. Yeah. I love that. They're just so uniquely him.

You know, and almost like, there's like a vein of that comedy that goes from, I guess, like Stephen Wright. Yeah. Who's got that sort of absurdist, weird way of looking at things. But then Mitch would take it to a totally new place. And a totally personal place. Like I remember there is this joke, and I'm going to kind of mess it up because I don't remember people's jokes that well. But like where he goes, I said a thing and then someone didn't hear me that well. And they asked me to repeat it.

And then, oh, it's the steamboat operator joke, and I'm forgetting how he gets to it. But it's ultimately about being misunderstood, I feel bad. I feel bad. I went down that road thinking that my brain, maybe I need some more of these chemicals. You have the HGH or something. Not HGH, but all these things.

I have the fancy coffee that is super good that you that with the butter in it yeah bulletproof coffee it's not working for me yet well it's early man for a comedian here is there's a there's a there's a joke i'm trying to find that if you go if you youtube steve mode operator you'll find that joke yeah that's what i'm trying to find i gotta got to say, one of the things I, even hearing you talk before we started talking, the thing that I admire about your comedy and Mitch's and Stan Hope's, Stan Hope's my favorite comic by far. And the reason why, and it's the same thing that you have in all the comics, Maria Bamford, no one could steal their jokes.

Oh, they do. But you can't steal them and have the other person wouldn't, it wouldn't go so well as well as it will for you. No. Well, yeah. Isn't that the beautiful thing about comedy when it comes from your personality? Yeah. When you listen to a Mitch Hedberg joke, like the Doubletree Hotel joke.

Yeah, yeah. He minds in a way that I would never mine, you know, like he mines for material in a way. Like another good example of that is Patton. Patton Oswalt will take a bit. Patton Oswalt's like that too. Like I look at, like I've listened to some of his CDs and I go, that's a bit that I probably would have abandoned. Yeah.

I would have started maybe working on, tried it on stage a few times, and just moved on to something with more meat to it. But he'll take an idea that's like an odd idea that maybe I would have abandoned and turn it into an amazing 10-minute chunk. Yeah. Patton's totally like that. Also,

one of the things I love about Patton is he's just genuinely passionate about what he's talking about. Here it is. I wrote a letter to my dad. I wrote, I really enjoy being here, but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really, but I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote, I rarely drive steamboats, Dad.

This is a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away. That's like one of my favorite jokes of all time. That's a perfect joke. That was a great impression, by the way. Isn't that exactly... That's like a piece of philosophy, I think.

Yeah. It's not just a joke. I really do think that. Well, it's a piece of Mitch. It is. That, in Etel's way of saying it, we still have the albums. We do. We have that.

Yeah. We do have that. That's one of the coolest things about the art form. The insight into how a person's mind functions and how they put together material. Like Gaffigan. I don't think Gaffigan...

Is that his writing up there? Yeah, isn't that great? Is that the documentary I was talking about? They don't believe in themselves. I know people believe in ghosts, but they don't believe in themselves. That's a great one. We should tell people what the URL is of that site because it's on YouTube, this documentary, where Lynn, his widow, Lynn Chakroft, who's a very funny comic as well, is in the cabin that they shared.

And she takes out his notebook and she's showing what was in his notebook. Yeah, and their cabin was up in Big Bear, right? Like, when he got a development deal, you know, some people go out and they buy a Mercedes. He bought a cabin in Big Bear. Yeah, exactly. You know what he said to me once? It's funny looking at this notebook.

Mitch goes to me. I opened for him, and it was the first time I ever featured. It was at Joker's Comedy Club in Dayton, Ohio. Oh, I know that place. And he goes, don't ever show a girl your notebook. Because she's not supposed to know about it. She's just supposed to see the final jokes on stage. That's so true.

Isn't that true? When you date girls and they see your act over and over and over again. And they just lose all the magic. You have to either marry them or break up with them. You got to do one or the other, because otherwise they're going to tell their friends. He just repeats the same shit every night, and then he gets it right.

It's not that big a deal. I can do it. The mystique goes away. The mystique. The mystique of the writing. But he was such a unique guy in that he did obviously have issues with drugs, but he also obviously was really fucking prolific and really wrote a lot and was really disciplined.

Yeah. Now, in that sense, he was just an odd combination of things. Yeah, no, he absolutely was. He was a phenomenon. Yeah. People should, I feel like I should almost plug this as we're talking to it. Mitch Altogether, great album. Yeah. People should, I feel like I should almost plug this as we're talking to it. Mitch Altogether, great album. Yeah.

You can get it on iTunes or Spotify or whatever. And Strategic Grill Locations was his first album. I love that album. Yeah. I think that's perfect. Strategic Grill Locations is an awesome, awesome classic. Now, you got a new album out? Yeah. It's coming out?

No, it just came out. Yeah, it's called My Girlfriend's Boyfriend. It's about a lot of heartbreak and love and how I decided to get married despite the fact that I don't really believe in the idea of marriage. Yeah, it's a stupid idea, but it works for them. It works for women. Women love it. They love it.

They love being able to tell their friends they're married. Do you think that's what it is? Oh, yeah. Definitely. They love it. They love being able to tell their friends they're married. Do you think that's what it is? Oh, yeah. Definitely. They like winning. They win. When you get married, they win. They enjoy that.

Yeah, my wife totally won. That's an interesting perspective. I've never thought about it like that. I'm happier, though. Are you happier? Oh, yeah. Yeah. But it's also because I'm in a great relationship.

I would have been just as happy if I didn't have some shit written down on paper or wearing a little monkey ring. All that stuff, it seems secondary, but for women, it means a lot that you go through that nonsense. Or for some women, I should say. I should never generalize like that. Some of them, they want that. They want that nonsense. They want that cultural nonsense. They want to be able to tell their friends they're married.

Yeah, well, I think part of it's the family too. Yes. The families are like, what's going on? Oh, yeah. Is this real? Yeah. People start to go, yeah, I mean, I don't know. There's certain things that people just don't, like,

they don't believe unless it has a formal cultural understanding. This is maybe a tangential example, but my cat passed away this summer. I'm sorry to laugh at your cat passing away. I'm just trying to figure out how you're going to connect these. And I don't know either yet. But my cat, Ivan, passed away. My wife and I were so upset. The whole summer was like, our cat passed away.

People would be like, what's up? We'd be like, our cat Ivan passed away. Really? The whole summer? Yeah, we were really upset by it. He was 17 years old. I have a 17-year-old cat right now. Yeah, so, like, we were so, so close to Ivan. And explaining that your cat died is a little bit like explaining that your imaginary friend died

where you're like, Ivan's dead and they're like, right, Ivan. And you're like, no, no, really, our cat Ivan. They're like, right, your cat Ivan. And I feel like marriage is a little bit like that too. You're like, if you're not married, you can be like, it's my boyfriend and I love him and he loves me.

And they're like, right, your boyfriend, and he loves you. Yeah, but he doesn't love you enough. Exactly. If you're married, then it's like, oh, you got the document? You got the legal document? Well, okay. I'll buy it. Yeah, and then there's some people that they look at that as like there's goals that they have to achieve.

Like you get in a relationship, okay, check. Now, next move. You got to get this guy to sign this paper. I hate that. Yeah. That's the part of it I hate. I have a friend who went through a fucking absolutely brutal divorce. I mean a really, really bad one.

And then his new wife, he started dating this woman immediately afterwards, of course, and she didn't want to sign a prenup. Yeah. And he lost everything. And he's like, I don't know what to do. I'm like, you don't know what to do. You don't know what to do you don't know what to do you don't know what to do do you hate yourself like are you fucking crazy like marriage doesn't always work out buddy it doesn't always work out the prenup on the second marriage yes oh interesting like he lost everything on the first marriage yes and he lost everything

on the first marriage and i'm pretty sure they overlapped like his first marriage was fine i'd have to ask him about this his first marriage was falling apart and then he met her and there was like you know he knew her while he was still with his wife and then he got divorced like he had like you know that was that old expression about like swinging from branch to branch yeah that uh you know most women especially they don't like to let go of a branch they like to swing and then know that there's another branch there when they let go of their first branch. You don't have to say women. You just say people.

Yes, humans. Humans, yeah. But like, yeah, the marriage thing is weird now particularly to be in light of all of these supplements and things that you talk about because people are just going to live longer. Well, not with this stuff. Really? Yeah.

I mean, if you're lucky, you get another five years or ten years. Really? Alpha-B and protein, vitamins. I don't know, man. What studies have been done on life extension as far as vitamins? Maybe a little bit. Well, I mean, I guess all that combined with hip replacements and heart transplants and all this.

Well, there's so much futuristic stuff right now that's going to make people live longer. And then it's going to be like it already was weird that we were married 30 years what about when we're married like 70 years well in that sense i think that if it works it works and if you're married for 30 years and you're really happy and then you get to live for another hundred would you want to break up and start fresh with a new person and try to put it together? Part of what makes a marriage work or a friendship work or anything is you kind of understand how each other works.

You kind of understand the ins and the outs of each person. Absolutely, your team. Yeah. When that happens, so much theoretically in practice, when it's done perfectly, which it never is. But when it is done perfectly, that's what makes it so cool is that you know each other. You go to the store and you're like, oh, I know she loves this kind of shit. I'll go get her this.

Or you're going to go on a vacation. She's never going to want to do this. Or she loves doing this. You know each other. So in that sense, would it really matter if you lived to be an extra 100 years? Probably not. Except you'd start thinking about all that extra pussy. Yeah, that age 100 pussy is crazy, I've heard.

It gets different. It gets different. It's like wine in a barrel or old scotch. I just want to take that back from the record. I know this is live, but I just want to take back that age 100 pussy line. These are just jokes, folks. If you looked at this stuff written down on paper.

You go, these guys are assholes. What kind of statements are these? Yeah. But in the moment, this is great. Yes, in the moment. This is exciting. I love that you have this. Oh, the studio?

Yeah, you have the studio, and you have your people who listen. And you don't even have to go, I'm going on Conan tonight. You don't have to go on Conan. You don't have to go on Talk Shows. Because you have, like, I don't even have to go, I'm going on Conan tonight. You don't have to go on Conan. You don't have to go on Talk Shows because you have, like, I looked on your website. You're playing the goddamn Chicago Theater. Yeah. The Chicago Theater. What?

That's so huge. You can't get bigger than that. And you're just here in your studio being like, hey, guys, I'm coming to the Chicago Theater. Yeah. Yeah, I'm coming soon. When is that? January 24th. Chicago Theater. Me and the great Ari Shafir. Ooh, should be good times.

Yeah, that place is awesome. Ari is. But he could close. Ari Shafir is a legit headliner now. Oh, okay. No, I'm sure. Do you know Ari? I think I do, yeah. Yeah, this thing is... I remember seeing him in that video, the Carlos Mencia video. Yes, yeah.

He was one of the first guys that Carlos ripped off back in the day. I shouldn't say that. I'm sure Carlos started ripping guys off way before Ari, but one of the first guys that I knew that suffered from it. Yeah. But yeah, this place sort of has come together slowly but surely. That's pretty awesome. Becoming more and more childlike, as I add, special effects pieces.

When I look around here, I feel like you could be... Yeah, becoming more and more childlike as I add special effects pieces. When I look around here, I'm like, I feel like you could be, I think you might be like a politician in the future. Do you ever get that feeling? No. How the fuck do you get that? You look around, you see a predator mask, you see an alien head, a zombie, a lava lamp, and a deer skull. And you're like, you know what? You should be running shit. Here's how I get.

Here's how I arrived there. So with JFK, you had the first president who was on camera. He was good looking. And before that, you didn't have to be good looking as a president. That's interesting. That was like a big shift in culture. Right. And they say that Barack Obama is like the first president where it's like he's like a rock star president.

Like people are like, he's fucking cool. Like, you know, like a lot of people say like people voted for him because they're just excited. It's like so exciting. I'm going to take it a step further. Like 20 years from now, the president is hilarious. It's not happening. There's nothing hilarious about running the military industrial complex. No, I know.

Unless some massive paradigm shift takes place where we no longer have war. I don't see anybody running any country being hilarious. The president is hilarious, and he's in great shape. And, yeah, that's all I got. That's why I think you could be a politician in the future. That's it? Yeah. The time has come.

Well, because I feel like if you were in charge, I would vote for you because I would feel confident. I'd be like, okay, sure he smokes some pot. A little bit. Sure he smokes some pot now and then, but he's really strong, physically strong, smart, funny. That's enough for me. Reasonable.

Reasonable. Reasonable is probably the most important thing anybody needs. What do you think is the most important quality you need to govern? I think it's probably not wanting to govern, not wanting to be the guy that's in charge. I think that might be one of the best qualities that anybody could ever have. If you want to run things, you should not want to be the guy who runs things. Yeah, I think so.

I think, yeah, level-headed I think is a huge quality. I mean, I feel like the reason I voted for Barack Obama is, like, I just felt like, okay, he seems smart. Well, what was the alternative? He seems level-headed, yeah. A dead man and a dumb cunt. That was the alternative. And so what was the alternative next?

It was a fucking Mormon, a guy who literally believes in one of the most preposterous religious stories in the history of humanity. And his family was a part of a cult that moved to Mexico so they could have more wives. Yeah. You know that story about, fuck it, his parents. Mitt Romney's parents. Mitt Romney's parents. They lived in Mexico. Oh, yeah.

I didn't even know that. You didn't know that? I think I'd heard about it, but I don't know the full story. His dad could never be president because his dad was born in Mexico. Oh. His dad wasn't an American citizen that way. He wasn't born, a natural born citizen. Where, you know, Mitt is.

He was born in America. But his family comes from this sect of Mormonism that broke off from the United States back in the 1800s when it really didn't matter if you lived in, you can live in Mexico, you live in America. It doesn't matter, there's no cars. So that's what they did. They moved to Mexico. Shit didn't turn out so good for that bet. That bet sucked. Like the bet that, well, it's nice down here. It's pretty much the same as it is in America.

We're just going to go over here and have 10 wives. Well, obviously, when the invention of cars came along and the whole age of machines and the industrial era, machines and the United States became this superpower and Mexico became what it is today. And now they're involved in these armed standoffs with the Mexican drug cartels. They get kidnapped. They have fortified compounds. And they have sentries and snipers and rifles and everything. I mean, it's really crazy, crazy shit. Vice did a piece on that, on the various Mormon families that are living in...

But that was our other option! Our other option was one of those guys. A guy who believes in magic underwear and a fucking con artist who was 14 years old who claimed he found golden tablets that contained the lost work of Jesus and that the American Indians were a tribe of Israelites that came over. That's a great book if people want to know about Mormonism at all. It's Under the Banner of Heaven. Did you ever read that one?

No. It's a great book, yeah. Did you see The Book of Mormon? Krakauer wrote it? Yeah. The Book of Mormon's great. I saw it twice. It's fucking amazing. It's so good. You know, the crazy thing is Mormons like it. Mormons advertise. Like when you get the playbill, there's great. I saw it twice. It's fucking amazing. It's so good. You know, the crazy thing is Mormons like it. Mormons advertise.

I know, yeah. Like, when you get the playbill, it's like, there's advertisements for Mormonism. Oh, there's advertisements? Yes. Yeah. That is so great. Yeah. Yeah.

Now you've seen the play. You know, come find out what being a Mormon's really all about. Like, they think they're going to, like, people are going to, like, go watch that hilarious parody of what their religion is all about. I honestly think that, maybe I'm taking it too far, but I feel like Matt and Trey are the closest to Twain that we have. Where it's like, what they're doing is brilliant satire. Yes.

It's completely over the top and insane and perfectly written. And they're fucking gangsters. They get away with the craziest shit on TV. It's nuts. Did you ever see the slut-off with Paris Hilton? With Paris Hilton and the gay guy who's the teacher, and the gay guy wins because he stuffs Paris Hilton up his ass. I mean, he stuffed her up.

They can get away with so much because they're cartoons. I know. And they take on the idea of drawing Muhammad. Muhammad was a teddy bear. Yeah, I saw that episode. Amazing. They take on things where- Unafraid.

Is this the slut off? Watch this. He shoves Paracel up his ass. He jumped on her in a gay cowboy outfit on with a big mustache and shoved her up his ass. I mean- That's amazing. Dude. I mean. That's amazing. And then they cheer. The Kanye West gay fish one with the Kanye West and Carlos Mencia episode.

Oh, yeah. It's incredible. It's one of the greatest takedowns in the history of pop culture. Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah, that's what, you know, what honestly intimidates me about Los Angeles is like, you know, Matt and Trey are here. You know, like these people who I admire so much, they just all live here in this area. And it's too much for me. I live in New York.

I just, I like being away from it. In what way? Like intimidates you? How? I feel like, like I don't want to, it's almost like I don't want to see Matt and Trey, like, eating at a restaurant or something. Why? I don't want to think they're real.

I don't want to think that they're mortal or something. Like, it's too, it's, I like, I love the mystique of show business. So you like being in New York because you're outside of it? Yeah, I live in Brooklyn. I don't, I'm not part of show business. Really? That's interesting. You're here on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast to promote your new comedy CD.

That's right. And yet, you claim to not be in show business. What do you do, Mr. Bibidur? You're not in show business. I travel around the country. I'm going to a hundred cities this year. Oh, you just travel. Yeah.

You're a professional traveler. Yeah, I'm a professional traveler. I always say that. I always say that. I'm a traveling salesman. I sell comedy. I get paid to fly, and I perform for free. I always say that. Traveling salesman. I sell comedy. I get paid to fly and I perform for free. That's funny.

It's true. I'm going to fucking 100 cities next year. Wow. Thank God for Jokester. 100. I'm going to four. Jokester? Oh, it's called Thank God for Jokes.

Isn't the name of the tour. Oh, Thank God for Jokester. Yeah. I thought you were saying Thank God for Jokester. Yeah, Jokester. T-M, trademark. It's the thing that sends you out to these places. I know.

Like, you know, Friendster or something like that. You remember that? Here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like it's some kind of a. So you book your shit way in advance then. You call it up. You can see the photo. Maybe if we can bring it up.

Thank God for. Or just berbiggs.com. I don't know. You plan your shit out way in advance then if you're doing 100 dates. Yeah, I've announced 30. What are the obscure places? I'm going to Fargo. Oh, there you go.

I'm going to Fargo, Minneapolis. I'm going to Traverse City, Michigan, East Lansing. Fargo is not in Minneapolis. Fargo is in North Dakota. Yeah, yeah, Minneapolis. Oh, but Minneapolis is not obscure. No, no, I guess not. I was confused. No, but like Eugene, Oregon. That's obscure, but Minneapolis is not obscure. No, no, I guess not. I was confused.

No, but like Eugene, Oregon. That's obscure. That one's pretty obscure. That's a hippie place. A lot of like patchouli people in that audience. Troy, New York. That's kind of obscure. That's obscure as fuck.

Where do you play there? Troy Music Hall, I think. There's no place to play. Go to some dude's house. I mean, I'm going to Charleston. Charleston's kind of, well, that's kind of a name, though. Yeah, that's a name. You're right.

I don't think I could name 100 different cities. I mean, I probably could if you sat me down. Yeah, if someone put a blank map in front of you, you'd get it. Kentucky, huh? Doing a little Kentucky there, fella. Doing a little Kentucky, yeah. Louisville's fun, isn't it? Louisville's a great town.

It's a great town. Here's a thing I've found about traveling around America. I'm sure you've probably found this. A lot of great little towns. Well, also, they're Mike Birbiglia fans. They know who you are. They're coming out to see you. When I show up, they're in a good mood.

Yeah, they're already familiar with you. Yeah. You go to, like, Boise, Idaho. It's like, oh, this is a nice town. Boise's great. Yeah, people make fun of these towns. And then you go there, you're like, oh, no, there's like five great breakfast spots. You know what I mean?

And by the way, it might be a better place to live. It might be a better place to live, yeah. Less tension, less stress, less traffic. That's the one thing that's stupid about L.A. is the mass of humans all gathered into one place. It's insane. It's a great place to have a podcast because you can always get guests. There's always people here.

But as far as like having sanity and having peace and clarity this is not the best spot what's insane about it let's try the coffee try this stuff you do you like sweeteners do you like anything sweet yeah i'll try that this is stevia it's super strong it's a natural sweetener okay only put a little bit in okay so it's very powerful um i already have butter in the coffee so i feel like it's covered. But Los Angeles is crazy, because coming here, for example, I Google map everything on the way, and it's like,

it'll be like, it's 26 miles, and then for time it'll be like, it might take days. That's no joke, either. You can get stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic at Tuca, just a little dash of that stuff. Don't fuck around. Don't get crazy. You can get stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic at Tuca. Just a little dash of that stuff. Don't fuck around. Don't get crazy.

Don't get crazy, Microbot. I'm trying not to. Just throwing a little Stevie in there. Just that. A little bit more of that. Get a little crazy. There you go. Stop right there.

It's amazing. It's really strong stuff. But this sounds crazy. It feels dangerous. It feels like I'm at risk of being in a car accident at any moment. Well, you're at risk any time you're in a car. You know, it's amazing, really, when you stop and think about it. Oh, this is really good, by the way.

It's great, right? Yeah. It's amazing when you stop and think about it how few car accidents there actually are. The one in my special, which I hope you'll watch, but... I'll watch it. Yeah, I'm very proud of it. Why do you say I hope? Well, there's just so much stuff.

I'll fucking watch it, Michael Bigelow. There's no need for hopes. Okay. So I talk about how I was hit by a car in Los Angeles. And then I was made to pay for the drunk driver's car. Really? It was a drunk driver and I was made to pay for his car. It's maddening.

How are you made to pay for his car? He technically had the right of way. I was turning right. He was speeding around a blind corner. He technically had the right of way, and then by the time he got to the hospital, he blew under the legal limit. Wow. Isn't that wild? How long did it take before he got to the hospital?

I paid $12,000 for his car, like a couple hours later. Wow. That's hilarious. They don't test him right away? Nope. In this instance, no. And so thematically what it's about is about how I couldn't let go of it. Like it sounds like you have this from, you know,

when I listen to you on the podcast, like certain times you're obsessed with being right about something, and I couldn't let this go. Right. It was kind of like this with the papers. It's like I had charts and graphs, and I couldn't let this go. Right. It was kind of like this with the papers. It's like I had charts and graphs and I was like, and this is the accident report. And this is the map, this is the Google map

of the scene of the accident. And it was 60 feet from here to the stop sign and the speed limit was 35 and it was maddening. Were you going on stage with it like Lenny Bruce at the end of his career when he would go on with legal documents? Well, you'll see in the special, I project to the accident report, the actual accident report.

Yeah, it's bonkers. I go crazy. Yeah. I project the accident report in the show. It's great. And so the guy was drunk, but he technically had the right of way. I'm trying to figure it out in my mind. You were going around a blind corner.

He was coming around a blind corner. Oh, he was coming around a blind corner. He was speeding around a blind corner in Venice Beach. And you pulled into the traffic. I pulled into a road, and then he T-boned me driver's side. Wow. And then I spun around, and then he drove away. Took a right turn at the intersection,

tried to speed away, but he was so drunk he drove into a tree. So it was like a hit and run and hit. What? Isn't that crazy? And he still didn't get in trouble for that? Yeah. That's insane. I talked to lawyers. I talked to private investigators.

They were just like, dude, it's going to cost you more in legal fees to fight this. I was like, I'm going to sue this guy, and I'm going to sue the Los Angeles Police Department. Like, I was like Chinatown. It was like Chinatown. Wow. It was maddening. Well, in the effort to protect people's rights, things get kind of squirrely. I'm all for protecting people's rights, but I think that once you start driving intoxicated and slamming into people like they

need to figure out who's drunk right away after an accident you can't let people go all the way to the hospital i agree and then fine you need that's that's something that needs to be dealt with on the spot but the question is you know who's going to be the guy who deals with it it's going to be some knucklehead police officer that's uh you know says we're going to hold you down tase you and then take your blood. Yeah. How do they get it? They got to have blood, right?

Don't they have to take... They can test your blood alcohol content. They can do the breathalyzer thing, right? Yeah. The most accurate way is blood. Yeah. And that's why... God could be on pills, too. Yeah. It's true. That's true.

He could be on drugs. Yeah. When I went to the hospital, just to make sure I was okay. I went to the emergency room and they saw him first because he was a more urgent case. I don't know what had happened to him, but. Fucking tree. That's what happened to him. Yeah, exactly.

And I said to the doctor, I was like, was the other guy drunk? And the doctor says, well, you know, I can't answer that. It was the same doctor who saw both of us. Right. And I was like, well, was he? You know, and, uh, and he goes, well, he's heading to jail now. And I, and at the time I was like well was he you know and uh and he goes well he's heading to jail now and i and at the time i was like case closed you know like i thought like i was like i was like oh this isn't going to be an issue and a couple months later i get the the bill for his car it was

insane it's maddening that's so crazy who's this asshole what's his name i can't say it fuck this guy i don't know i almost i considered i don't say this. Say it! Say it, Michael Biglia! Fuck this guy! I don't know. I don't say this in the show, but there were certain points I considered. I had his phone number. It was on the accident report. I considered just calling him and being like, You should know that you are ruining my life! Hmm.

Well, I think that's being a little bit dramatic. It wasn't really ruining your life. It was just making you crazy. But the fact that you would have to pay for him. Let's be honest. I'm just saying it's how I felt. Tell a couple of jokes and that money is taken care of. You're in a very fortunate position in life.

Maybe you should cut your losses. Thanks, John. But you got comedy out of it. Thanks for this 2020 insight, hindsight. Yeah, it's real easy. Reflection. Meanwhile, I would have went to his house and kicked his ass and wound up in jail. Yeah, exactly.

At least you got comedy out of it, though, right? I feel great. I mean, honestly, comedy is everything to me. That's why the Thank God for Jokes tour, my new show that I'm developing, is actually all about how jokes are, in a certain way, my religion. They're the philosophy that I believe in. I believe life is hard, and then we make jokes about it because it's all we can do. And it makes it more fun.

Yeah. Still to this day, stand-up comedy is one of my favorite things to watch. I still enjoy it very much as an audience member. And if someone told me that I could never perform comedy for the rest of my life for some strange reason, but I could still watch it, I would still love watching it. It was like a euphoric experience, the two of us watching that. Yeah. He's working hard, man. And one of the things that Stan helps doing is he's like really, he is that guy. He lives in the desert. He lives in this weird fucking town in Arizona that's like seven miles. Yeah, Bisbee, Arizona, seven miles from the Mexican border.

He invites people over to his house for Super Bowl parties. I know. He's a nut. I mean, he's a legit nut. He's a great guy, too. He's really coming to his own as an artist, as a stand-up comedian. That special is, if there are any aspiring comedians listening or watching, see that special.

Before Turning the Gun on Himself was a great one, too. He's got a bunch of great ones. He's got lots of good stuff. This is the one where he talks about letting his mother go. Yeah, yeah. It's an incredible story. Yeah.

Yeah, it's good stuff, man. I couldn't live in Bisbee, Arizona. I don't know what the fuck he's thinking. He's just, it was very strange. I don't know how to describe what that decision making process is. There's nothing there, man. He's got a great joke about living there, too, the idea of it being an artist community and

the difference between how his art and their art doesn't really go together. They make turquoise belt buckles and he's making a joke about tsunami victims, about how the drowned Japanese, they start to, and they take on this Korean look. I'm really butchering the bit, but it's fucking hilarious. It's a comparison between his art, what he considers art, and what they consider art. Yeah. Artist community, you know? One of the things I love about him is he'll... He keeps, like, twisting the knife in different directions.

Yeah. Like, he'll take you one way, and you'll be like, ooh, I don't know if I could go there. And then he'll take you back farther in the other direction. Yeah. Like, he'll take you one way, and you'll be like, ooh, I don't know if I could go there. And then he'll take you back farther in the other direction, farther right than you could think you could go, and then he'll pull you farther left than you thought. You know what I mean? Like, he just always has you on your toes. He works. You know, that dude, you see him sitting there smoking a cigarette, drinking coffee, banging

away on the keyboard. Yeah. He works, you know? And that is, like you said, you know when you're saying that jokes are your religion? Yeah. That the discipline of creation is really what it's all about. Whether you're writing books, whether you're writing jokes, whether you're

creating music, whatever. I admire the discipline involved in creating things. Anything. Podcasts, music, movies, whatever the fuck you're making. Matt and Trey making South Park and also having some strange amount of time to make the Book of Mormon as well. Did you see're making. Matt and Trey making South Park and also having some strange amount of time to make the Book of Mormon as well. Did you see that documentary about Matt and Trey making

South Park? It's great. Nuts. People should watch it. It's on Netflix. It's called like 60 Seconds to Air or something like that. What is it? 60 Minutes to Air? Six Days to Air. Six Days to Air, yeah. It's super good. Yeah, it's amazing. And it's inspirational too. And you realize what a bad motherfucker they're both of them.

Yeah, but Trey is like... Trey is a bad motherfucker. Yeah, that guy's nonstop. Yeah, he's just a nut. But I think he obviously gets off on it. I mean, that's his thing. Yeah. He loves creating that fucking show.

That show is such a perfect vehicle, too, because by doing little cartoon kids that don't look anything like reality... Yeah, I know. ...and then also having them be kids, so there's a certain amount of ignorance you can get away with, because Cartman's a child. It's such a beautiful vehicle for creating comedy. Yeah. When you write all this shit that you've got in front of you here, why do I feel heat?

Where's heat coming from? I don't know. A space heater. Oh, that's what it is. I was like, man, I know our heat's broken. We have to get someone to climb on the roof and turn our fucking pilot light on. How retarded is that?

When you write, do you sit down and go, okay, today I'm going to write from 8 a.m. to 10 a.m.? I mean, how do you do it? I build it from, like, I brainstorm stories. So, like, I'll talk to my brother joe who co-writes a lot of stuff with me and we'll just talk like one time this happened to me one time this happened to me one time this happened to me and we'll talk about on the phone for like a couple hours you know and then we'll talk about which which ones are good enough stories that are

worth telling and then uh and then i'll and and then i'll go out and try it on stage i'll record it and i'll go back and transcribe what i said and then i'll edit from that transcription that's interesting so you you co-write with your brother yeah how long you been doing that for 10 years does your brother do stand up at at all? No, he tried. Really? Yeah, he tried, but he doesn't like being on stage. But he enjoys the creative process. Loves writing. Super funny guy. But he doesn't like being on stage.

What does he do for a living? He works for me. Oh, really? So he's a writer for you? Yeah, writer-producer. Writer-producer. Yeah, co-wrote my movie Sleepwalk With Me. Oh, that's so cool

yeah the sleepwalk with me was really interesting for folks don't know mike uh for folks that don't know mike is you're you're a sleepwalker yeah i jumped i dangerously i jumped through a second story window and i sleep yeah and uh you talked about that on the podcast the last time you were here. And that movie is sort of based on that, on how weird that thing must be to have that in you, this ability to just get up and start doing things while you're actually asleep. Yeah. And I still deal with it. I sleep in a sleeping bag to this very day. When I go to bed at night, I sleep in a sleeping bag.

You bring a sleeping bag when you go camping when you go to a hotel room. On the road, yeah. Exactly. Or camping when I'm at a hotel. And you zip yourself up so you can't get up. Yeah, zip myself up. I used to wear mittens so I couldn't open the sleeping bag. That's what the doctor told me.

That's one of the strangest things the doctor has ever told me. He goes, I want you to go to bed at night in a sleeping bag and sleep. Zip yourself up and then wear mittens so you can't open the sleeping bag. The doctor said that to me. He goes, I want you to go to bed at night in a sleeping bag and sleep, zip yourself up, and then wear mittens so you can't open the sleeping bag. The doctor said that to me. Strange. Wow. This is after you jumped out the window. After I jumped out the window, yeah. It was a woman, actually. My doctor now is a male. But yeah, she was just like, I'm not sure what to tell you. In the meantime, just do

this. What floor do you live on in New York? We live on, I meanork we live on i mean my bedroom's on the second floor but we have these really like super reinforced shutters that we put in that are pretty expensive just to keep you from jumping through the windows yeah yeah wow i'm a strange strange bird wow yeah i know yeah you don't want to jump on a second floor in manhattan where did you jump no way in brooklyn um I jumped through the second story window of La Quinta Inn in Walla Walla, Washington. As a matter of fact, there's a plaque.

You might be able to Google this. La Quinta Inn, Birbiglia plaque. I tweeted it a while back. There's a plaque on the door of the room. What? Birbiglia jumped through this window and there's a movie based on it. No way.

Isn't that cool? It's only cool because you're here and you're fine yeah you know if you died then you know yeah it's um ira glass who co-wrote the movie and produced the movie with me hosted this american life on public radio he um he was insistent that we get the plaque put up that was like he didn't care about like oscars or golden gloves he was just like here look at the plaque. Check out the plaque. In this room on January 26, 2005, comedian Mike Birbiglia

sleepwalked out the window. That story became the basis for the book and the feature film Sleepwalk With Me. Seriously? Google it. Isn't that great? What a weird world we live in that that's a plaque. Seriously? Google it. It's on the plaque. Wow. Ira was really intent on us getting a plaque on the room.

Like, that was everything to him. He was like, where's the plaque? Is the plaque up yet? It was like six months afterwards. Wow. I had sent it to him. So that's on the door. It's on the door, yeah.

You're walking by. That's on the door. People sometimes will go to that La Quinta Inn, and they'll take photos in front of it and then tweet it. Oh, that's awesome. I'll bet you get a lot more now. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's hilarious. That's bet you get a lot more now. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's hilarious. That's really fucking fun.

Well, it's hilarious again because you're okay. Yeah. Now, when you jumped through the wall, like when you jumped out the window. Through the window, yeah. The actual glass itself. Yeah, shattered. Oh, my God. Jumped through.

And I have in the movie, in the final credits, there's actual photographs of after I jumped through the window, I photographed it like it was a crime scene because I was alone in Walla Walla, Washington. Right. And I was like, nobody's going to believe me. Right, right, right. I went to the hospital, all this stuff. But I was like, this is too crazy of a story. I need to photograph everything so it's all in the credits.

How did you get through that without even getting really badly hurt? The same reason that a lot of times drunk drivers aren't hurt they're the ones not injured you know what i mean when they get in car accidents because they're so relaxed yeah they're so relaxed that's so crazy yeah the idea that tension is what hurts you yeah i dreamt that i was being that there was a guided missile headed towards my hotel room there's all this military personnel in the room with me. And the missile, they told me the missile coordinates were set specifically on me. And so I thought the only thing I could do is jump out the window so as to detonate outside the window for the sake of my platoon.

Wow. You were a hero in your crazy story. I know. In your head. Wow. That's fucked. Now, what was the extent of your injuries? I still have scars on my legs.

There was glass in my legs, and they took out the glass. And my arms were all cut up. And I had about 30 stitches. That's nothing. That's nothing. It's nothing compared to what it could have been.

Wow. And what's wild is I actually jumped through the window and landed and then got up and kept running. Isn't that weird? So you were still asleep? Yeah.

Wow. And as I'm running, I'm looking around and realizing, oh, I just jumped through a window in Walla Walla, Washington. And I was like, oh, no. And I was like, I got to go to the front desk and explain what happened. Oh, my God. Yeah.

And this is a funny addendum to the story. I feel bad for my fans. Your fans, maybe you have seen the movie, maybe haven't. My fans have heard this a zillion times. I feel bad. But I'll give you an addendum to the story, which is new. I always say that I walked to the front desk to explain what happened.

Fortunately, the person working at the front desk was mildly retarded. And I say fortunately because he's completely unfazed by what just happened. It's three in the morning. The phones are ringing off the hook from people staying at the hotel who just saw the guy jump out of the window screaming. I'm bleeding in my underwear. And I say, hello, because you have to start somewhere. I'm staying at the hotel. I had an incident where I jumped out my window. I'm bleeding in my underwear, and I say, hello, because you have to start somewhere. I'm staying at the hotel. I had an incident where I jumped out my window.

I'm bleeding, and I need to see a doctor. And I was so relieved because the guy working at the front desk goes, all right. It was completely unphased by what had just happened. So I drove myself to the hospital. He told me where it was. The addendum is that guy who worked the front desk facebook messaged me and said hey i'm the guy at the front desk and i'm not mildly retarded is that what he said oh my god what's great is that the the the message is so

incoherent that he sent me that it's like, well, are you sure? If I forwarded this to someone, they might take my side on it. Oh, my God. That is such a crazy fucking story. So were you there for a weekend? Did you have to stand up there the rest of the week? I was performing at Whitman College that night. And then I was performing at University of Oregon the next day.

And I actually did the gig with all the brokenness, and I didn't tell anybody. Wow. So you just did the gig and just did your stand-up. Yeah. I needed the money. I was broke. And you were just mangled, cut up. Yeah.

Wow. Nothing messed with my face up, so no one could tell I was wearing long sleeves and everything. That's so lucky. That's unbelievably fortunate. Yeah. Honestly, it was just, it was a, honestly,

it was a moment in my life where I was broke, I was hustling so hard, it all factored into the jump through the window. I was, I was dealing with a lot of anxiety. So the anxiety

and the stress, they manifest itself in the sleepwalking? Yeah, so, so I, I'm diagnosed with REM behavior disorder, which is a chemical imbalance.

It means people who have a dope, some people who have a dopamine deficiency, which is the chemical that's released from your brain and your body when you fall asleep, that paralyzes your body. So you don't act out your dreams. That's essentially what happens when you sleep is your body's paralyzed. You can't do it. I have a dopamine deficiency. And as a result, I act out my dreams. And dreams and so um since then i was diagnosed so i take i shouldn't tell people what i take but i take an anti-anxiety yeah and then uh and it calms me down and then i don't feel like i need in my dreams to run away from things like why do you say you

shouldn't tell people what you take well because i'm not a doctor so i don't want to tell people i don't want people to self-diagnose oh okay, oh, I have that. And it's like, you don't really know. I did a sleep study. I slept overnight at the hospital four nights. They really know what I have. Yeah. Well, that's very responsible of you. Yeah. So when you start taking this medication, even though you're taking this medication, you still don't trust yourself. You still zip up. Yeah. Kind of like a condom over a birth control pill. Wow.

Well, I guess once you jump out of a fucking window. All bets are off. Yeah. You've got to get some reinforced shutters. Why do you have bars over your windows, man? Are you worried about break-ins? Nope. Breakouts.

Worried about breakouts. The crazy breakouts. We're trying to keep it in. Wow. Yeah. And so by taking anti-anxiety medication, has that changed you, like, in your regular everyday life? I'd like to think no. I fear sometimes yes.

I mean, like, you know, I feel like what I take for a while, it felt like it made me a bit fuzzy. I feel like when I wake up in the morning, I have to drink a lot of coffee to get to regular uh-huh which I don't love right and it's all because of that yeah is there any natural cure is there anything that you've been going to a holistic doctor recently who's been given though oh you don't think that's good I just always say that holistic doctor oh those motherfuckers well no they she took a she took like 10 vials of my blood and did a whole thing on which vitamins

I should take to counterbalance things and I feel like that's leveling me off a little bit do you watch your diet are you fairly healthy I try to yeah

try to trying to have protein in the morning and stuff like that but do you like do you eat gluten I'm trying to wean myself off of it

you eat gluten I stopped about six months ago. How do you feel about it? A lot better. Well, I stopped when I was filming this show. I was having back problems from jujitsu. Oh. And one of the things that this woman who's a physical therapist told me, she's had real good results.

People that have injuries, getting off of gluten reduces inflammation, and a lot of the symptoms of the injuries subside. And I was like, wait, wait a minute. You can tell me that like bread, like stopping bread makes an injury better. And she's like, you really would be amazed. And so, uh, I tried it and, uh, I, my injury got better, like slowly but surely on its own through a lot of different therapies that I was doing. But what was amazing was my energy level was different. Yeah. My energy level, especially after meals, that was the most shocking thing. Like like i would i eat so much bread and pasta me too and then i would realize that like after i had eaten it was like i got hit with a tranquilizer dart

yeah i just thought that's what it was i thought i eat like a pig and this is what happens after you eat right like eating is like sex yeah but no man not now now i eat and after i'm done eating i'm full but i'm not in a coma yeah it's weird it's a totally different experience for me because my basically my whole life i mean i'm italian mostly and most of my life i grew up eating like that eating pasta and bread with almost every meal and when i stopped eating it, it was like, oh, oh, oh, this is what I've been dealing with my whole life for no reason. Like every time I eat, I would eat these big giant meals and be like, oh, I just kick back. And yeah, I know that feeling that I don't get that anymore. Now I eat and you know, obviously my body's digesting. I feel full. I don't feel

like sedated. Los Angeles is great for that. New York is good for that. But when you travel, do you have a hard time finding the food that you want? Steak and salad. Steak and salad. Steak, salad, chicken, salad. I'm not ridiculous about it because I don't have celiac disease. It's not like I have to avoid it. So if something is breaded or – it doesn't kill me.

It just – I think it sets me back a little bit. I think your body's not designed to, there's wheat that we eat today is very different from the wheat that people ate 100 years ago. In the 1950s and 60s is when they started engineering wheat to be more hearty, so for better yields and so it could survive pesticides and whatnot. And that wheat is much more difficult for people to process. Just just is. It's a fact. That's a science. I mean, there is science behind that. So when people talk about, oh, it's just another fad, it's just another fad, it's actually not. There are most certainly fads as far as the Atkins diet and all these various diets that

can work. They can have an effect. You go into ketosis, I guess it's called, and your body starts burning fat instead of carbohydrates. I tried that. I didn't like it at all. This is very different. This, to me, seems like cutting out something that my body really just doesn't enjoy processing. Yeah.

That makes sense. Yeah. I mean, I still – look, I'm not a perfect eater. I still eat ice cream and I still drink milk. What do you do about pizza, gluten-free pizza? I don't. I tried. It's dog shit.

It's dog shit. Wow. I haven't had pizza in a long fucking time. It's hard for me not to have pizza. Yeah, I haven't had pizza in like, it's been at least six or seven months since I've had, except some gluten-free pizza, which was a, I just, I made a tweet about it. I said, I'm having gluten-free pizza to let you know that you don't have to. Yeah.

Don't ever. Just don't. It's not pizza. It's nonsense. Yeah. Someone said there's a good kind out there, but I think they're just those fucking people that don't want to believe. Yeah.

I don't know. But as far as, like, health, I think the majority of people don't get enough. The big issue, I think, as far as don't get enough the big issue I think as far as like nutrition is is green leafy vegetables and And and and a lot of vegetables Yeah, people just don't eat enough vegetables and if you don't eat enough vegetables and you also don't take vitamins Yeah, good luck. You know your body is just basically operating on Proteins and carbohydrates and whatever the fuck it can find. But you're not getting enough vitamins.

You're just not. The idea of a balanced diet, most people's diet, they're not even close to balanced. I've watched friends on the road, like comics. I've been with them for every meal. And I've watched what they eat. And I'm like, you're not getting anything. You got an egg in there. Yeah, there's some bread in that.

And I think there's a piece of lettuce there. I'm like, where the fuck are you getting your vitamins from, man? Yeah, I think I'm in that boat. Do you take supplements? Do you take vitamins? I just started two months ago. Just started, really? Wow.

You're so disappointed. No, it's interesting. Oh, gosh. Wow. Did you notice a difference once, it's interesting. Oh, God. Wow. Did you notice a difference once you started taking vitamins? Yeah, I feel better. Yeah. I feel better.

Your body's not starving. Yeah. You're vitamin starved. I am vitamin starved, yeah. But most of us are. Yeah. If you eat the average, quote unquote, average American diet, you're vitamin starved. Yeah.

It's hard to travel and be healthy. Fuck yeah it is. It's very hard. When I started doing yoga when I travel, I feel better. I feel a lot better doing that. That's because all the girls with yoga pants in the class. It makes you feel better too. Is that what it is? It makes you excited. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the whole thing.

No, yoga without pants. I could just go to the yoga pants or yeah you could just go to a strip club you feel great well i started going strip clubs on the road and i just uh i really it really picked me up i started feeling more excited i wrote down a strip club name i played largo the other night and there's a place across from it that i don't know what it's called in the phone book, but the name on the outside of the door is Star Strip. This is all the same font and font size. Star Strip, totally nude, live nude, girls, girls, girls. The Star Strip on La Cienega. Yeah. Yeah, dude, I had a bit about that. A true story. Where the girl was dancing, and I said, hey, do you like doing this? She goes, I don't talk to guys who come here.

And I said, well, why? I mean, it's an open door. I mean, like, nice people can come through, too. And she goes, well, most guys who come here, they only come here for one reason. I mean, why did you come here? Like, she was, like, shutting me down. And I said, because someone told me there was a place that I could go where I could see a strange

girl's pussy for a dollar. Okay. And that was the joke. Like, I'm the asshole. All I did is show up where you work. I'm not a bad person because you work here. Different people go to different

places for different reasons. I used to go to strip clubs a lot and you know what turned me off? I was in Nashville once. I saw a commercial on TV for a strip club and I was like, that seems fun. I'll go there. And I went and then I gave the guy my ID when I

walked in and he goes, hey, Mike Birpiglia! I like your comedy. And I was just like, I'm never going to a strip club again. I've never gone back. Why? Because you don't want people to know you? I like the anonymity of it.

I don't want to be. I don't want anyone to watch me watch someone be naked. I can't handle that. You need a wig and a fake mustache and a fake ID. Do you have one? A wig or a fake mustache? A wig and a fake mustache. I can tell you one.

We're in Hollywood. There's plenty of stores. Yeah, that's why I'm here. Sorry it took so long for me to get to the point, but yeah, do you have like a costume I could wear? Because I really want to go to strip clubs. I'm dying to go to strip clubs. No, it's funny because you should say that about,

you're asking like why the woman was there and everything because that was, when I used to go to strip club. No, it's funny because you should say that about you're asking why the woman was there and everything. Because when I used to go to strip clubs, that was what I was most interested in. Yeah. The story. I want to know the story. How did you get here? And maybe it's kind of mean-spirited in some way, but actually it is interesting to me. I don't think it's mean-spirited.

No. I mean, you can have a... Look, I have been to many a strip club in my day, and I've had some fun conversations with girls who are dancers, where it wasn't demeaning, it wasn't asshole-ish. I mean it respectfully. I meant it respectfully when I would do it. I've talked to very nice people that just happen to be dancers. There's nothing wrong with it, man.

I agree. I think there's a weird sort of a connection between stand-up comics and strippers anyway because our worlds are so odd in comparison to the average person. Oddly similar, I think. In a lot of ways, yeah. Well, because stand-up comedy, you're as naked as you can be verbally and you're talking about your life. The best comedians essentially is like you're watching them naked in a way absolutely and you know and that's obviously the strippers who literally

yeah and you're also living this weird alternative life that most people can't relate to most people with nine to five jobs can't relate to yeah very strange yeah like if you date a stripper and she comes over your house at three o'clock in the morning after she gets off work and you know she's got a little glitter bag full of money. And it's like we're both weird. You know, I just got done telling jokes and, you know, drinking on stage. And here you got off stage. They're weird lives.

Being an actor is a weird life. If you date an actor, it's strange. Yes. But in a more, a less naked way. Yeah, but your wife or girlfriend is like making out with some guy in the day. That's true. At work, over and over again. That's ridiculous.

Take after take. Fuck that. Yeah, I've seen that before. I've seen people like watch their wives or girlfriends make out with other guys like tongue and everything. And watch him and watch her and watch him and watch her and go, I don't want to do that. Yeah. But the acting thing is like the opposite of being naked. It's like putting on a fucking outfit.

Oh, you think so? Yeah. I don't think it's naked at all. I think the acting is putting on like armor. It's putting on like this armor of this bullshit character that some writer created and you're pretending to be this person. Whereas... No, but I think the best ones are opening up. Opening up? Yeah. They're opening up their souls. that some writer created and you're pretending to be this person whereas no but I think the best ones are opening up opening up yeah they're opening up their

souls I think the best ones I mean they become that guy but I mean like okay here's a perfect example Christian Bale and the machinist he wasn't really an anorexic that was that couldn't sleep. He forced himself to do that. He just became that guy for that role. It was an affectation. He put it on. It was a costume. It was a role he played.

It wasn't him. It was who he decided to be. We can find areas in ourselves. That's one of the weirdest fucking... Wow. That is so weird. That he was both of those guys. I'm looking at the photo right now ourselves that's one of the weirdest fucking... Wow. That is so weird. That he was both of those guys. I'm looking at the photo right now.

It's him next to him as Batman when he was fucking swole. Whoa. Which is only like six months later, I think. The photo on the left is real? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? He starved himself.

He ate like a can of tuna and an apple like every day. That's like all he ate. And he got down to an insanely small size. I think he was down like 130 pounds or something ridiculous like that. He's a big guy. And then he went up to 200 plus when he played Batman. Yeah. Yeah, pretty nuts, man.

That guy's nuts. That thing that they do, like I just got back from last weekend, I saw Dallas Buyers Club. Matthew McConaughey. Fucking fantastic. I heard it's great. I have a friend who always shits on Matthew McConaughey and thinks that Matthew McConaughey's acting is terrible. Matthew McConaughey's like, his ego is transparent in his acting. It's mostly because my friend's an actor. But I said, dude, you got to watch Dallas Buyers Club and then shut the fuck up. Because the guy knocks it out of the park. Yeah.

He's fantastic in it. I saw two movies this weekend. I saw the Catching Fire. I liked it. What's Catching Fire? The Hunger Games movie. How dare you say that? Why?

Nothing. I know. Everybody makes fun of me. I like Gravity. I don't know. Gravity was good. I enjoyed it. You know what I thought I found was fascinating about Gravity was watching Neil deGrasse Tyson tweet about everything that's wrong with the movie and then watching people attack him.

Oh, did they? Yeah. I didn't see that part of it. I saw a lot of that. Because Neil deGrasse Tyson is like, he's one of those guys that I don't think ever takes heat. You know, because he's such a nice guy. He's so brilliant. He's so, like, well-informed about the ways of the universe and so excellent at expressing himself. He's, like, one of the best representatives of science I think we have today.

Yeah. and he always gets love everywhere he goes like every he's all these uh internet memes with pictures of him yeah then this came out and he starts correcting the movie yeah and the fucking hate you can't correct a sandra bullock movie you just can't yeah you can't hate on Sandra Bullock. They fucking went after him. Wow. Neil deGrasse Tyson says, his criticisms of gravity are a compliment to its quality. Huh?

Well, that's because he took the hit. The right to be, to earn the right to be criticized is a high compliment indeed. What? Hmm. That sounds like a guy who's fucking feeling the heat. He's talking nonsense. He's feeling the heat. I love them. Some people criticize

the story of the movie and I was like, you know, I felt like 10 minutes in, I was like, I got my $15 worth. I never thought that I'd know what it felt like to go to space. Yeah. I love the fact that everything was silent. Me too. You're like in the middle of the explosions and all that shit, it's silent,

and yet you're still freaking the fuck out. It was actually more effective, I thought. Did you see the director's movie Children of Men? Children of Men, yes, I saw that. He directed that. Oh, did he? It's a pretty great film, yeah. That was the one where people are like males or people can't breed or something?

That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Like males or people can't breathe or something? That's right. Yeah. Yeah. The thing that I found was most fascinating about gravity was just the idea that people do really go up there and really do stay up there for long periods of time in space.

And they really are in grave danger. And this possibility of things colliding in space junk, it's a very real problem yeah there's fucking thousands of things floating around above the earth yeah thousands no it's so insane i'd love the john august the screenwriter made this point that i think is kind of brilliant about it which is what's exciting about the movie is it's a hundred million dollar movie major budget movie where the the lead character doesn't save the world. She just saves herself. And that's powerful. Yeah.

What people didn't like, though, a lot of people didn't like the George Clooney guy because it was just so. And the other thing was like when he lets go, when he has to let go because it's pulling him away. Yeah. There's no momentum in space. People said the science of it's wrong. The science of it is so wrong. I was fine with that, though, because I don't him away. Yeah. There's no momentum in space. People said the science of it's wrong. Yeah, I heard that too. The science of it is so wrong. I was fine with that, though, because I don't know much about science.

Yeah. The science is not just wrong about that. It's also wrong about the positions of the various space stations. Yeah. Like, they're not anywhere near each other. Like, what she did by skipping from one to the next would be absolutely, completely impossible.

They're not in the same hemisphere. They're nowhere near each other. I just gave it the benefit of the doubt because she had that weird divorce. Because of Jesse James, he gave this movie the benefit of the doubt. That's how it works in this world. I'm going to let it go with the science stuff just because she's had a hard time the last couple of years.

Yeah, that's sweet of you. Well, I'm a big fan of anything space. I think space is probably the most overlooked thing in the sweet of you. Well, I'm a big fan of anything space. I think space is probably the most overlooked thing in the history of humanity. It's incredible. We just don't have enough light. I feel that way about the sea. The sea is another one.

Yeah, the sea and space are the two most interesting places, I think. Yeah, the sea less so for me, but still pretty fucking fascinating. It's basically like a jungle underwater i loved what you were tweeting the other day about blackfish because i think that that's a great cause oh yeah we had uh phil demers who was a uh a trainer over at a sea world or whatever the fuck it was marine land in canada that was depressing i know it's miserable but it's good that you're tweeting about it because it's a good cause. Yeah, I agree it is. Sea

life. Very fascinating to me. Intelligent sea life, even more so. I just think people are very this is not funny or I don't know either here nor there, but I just think people are generally unwilling to accept

sea life and animals as having an intelligence that we just don't understand. Well, they certainly do. I mean, there's no doubt about it. When you talk to people who understand orcas or dolphins, they're very intelligent. They're just intelligent in a different way because they don't alter their environment. Yeah. And as we were talking about space, about how fascinating space is, the real issue is if we treat intelligent life forms on this planet that we can't understand the way we do, and especially helpless ones, essentially helpless ones like orcas and dolphins, they really can't do anything to prevent us from doing what we want them to do.

They really can't prevent us from kidnapping them. They can just try to run away. Yeah. But they can't fight back. They really can't do anything. What is an alien race going to do to us? Have they ever got a hold of us? Oh, I'm so worried. They see how we treat

intelligent life forms. Why would they respect us? Why would they want to do anything? Why would they be kind? Why would they give us information? Why would they try to help us evolve? Well, it's going to go is gonna go and it's not an if it's a when when the aliens come or we arrive at the aliens it's gonna go one of two ways we enslave them they enslave us yeah that's it that's the only version of what can happen or we eat them or they eat us or we

fuck them or they fuck us. Right? Yeah. Do you ever get a chance when you're doing all your travel, do you ever get a chance to go to any observatories? The Keck in Hawaii or, you know, any of the telescopes? Yeah, I try to. Yeah. I haven't done it recently, but, yeah, I try to. Yeah. One of the most life-changing things I've ever done besides psychedelic drugs and having kids is going to the Keck Observatory.

Where is that? It's on the big island of Hawaii. Oh, okay. The fucking view of the stars is so mind-blowing. You can't believe it's real. Wow. Because you're on the island. It's 9,000 feet above sea level is the visitor's place.

And then there's the main observatory, which is even higher than that. That's insane. I'm looking at the pictures. That's unbelievable. You're above the clouds. That's literally above the clouds. As we were driving, I was with my family, and we were like, oh, this sucks.

It's cloudy. We're going to miss it. This is not going to work because we're going to get up there, and we're not going to be able to see through the clouds. But then you pass through the clouds and then you look up. Whoa. That's nothing. What you're seeing there.

Yeah, that's nothing. Well, the only thing I can compare to this is Alaska. Have you ever been to Alaska? Yes. Amazing. Like Fairbanks is unbelievable. I highly recommend. People listening to this, I've never been to Hawaii and I want to go there.

People who have never been to Alaska should go to Alaska if you have the means. Yeah. Oh, no doubt. Because it is, you know, they call it the last frontier and everything, but it really is. It's undiscovered areas. It's uncultivated areas. And it's stunning. Yeah.

It's amazing. Yeah. I went salmon fishing with Ari Shaffir. Wow. We went up there this year in July, and we caught salmon and did a gig up there. And I fell in love with the place. It's incredible. Anchorage is incredible really fucking cool people too like there's a there's a quality to the people up that live up there because

they're they're living in a legitimate wilderness yeah they have a city and that city is surrounded by absolute legit wilderness like someone on the University of Anchorage campus last year got killed by a fucking moose yeah happens moose came on the campus and Anchorage campus last year got killed by a fucking moose. Yeah, it happens. A moose came on the campus and stomped someone to death. Yeah. And that's, like, part of their life. Well, that's the thing.

The students are very competitive. I don't think that's what it was about, Mike Birbiglia. Well, you didn't read the same article. Wild. No, no, I talked to the guy who was there. My friend is actually a professor at the university. I'm going to Conan right now. I've got to was there. My friend is actually a professor at the university. I'm going to Conan right now.

I've got to drive there. I have no wallet. My brother Bigley has no wallet. So if you get in an accident and it's the same sort of situation as the last time, you'll be doubly screwed. I'm worried about my whole day, to be honest with you. You on Conan tonight? Yeah, tonight.

What time is Conan there? I think Conan's on at 11 on TBS. There's a new show after Conan now? Doesn't somebody else have a show now? Yeah, Pete Holmes. Pete Holmes. Very funny Pete Holmes. Has it started yet? Yeah, he's really funny.

Yeah, no, I haven't seen it. Yeah, it's on. You're saying you're defending him. I'm not saying Pete Holmes isn't funny. He's very funny. No, it's... How dare you? No, it's on TBS.

I think it's in reruns right now, but it was on for a few weeks, and then I think they're waiting to hear whether or not it gets picked up. But, yeah, it's great. So your new CD is called My Girlfriend's Boyfriend. It's available now, iTunes, Spotify. Yeah, girlfriendsboyfriend.com is the site. Burbiggs.com is your website. Burbiggs is your Twitter.

Yeah, at Burbiggs. B-I-R-B-I-G-S. Yeah, all that stuff. Thanks for having me on. Anytime, man. This isgs is your Twitter. Yeah. B-I-R-B-I-G-S. Yeah. All that stuff. Thanks for having me on. Anytime, man. This is so fun, man. I'm sorry.

We had a little miscommunication. I thought we were going back and forth. I thought you meant this week. Last week or something. I thought you meant this week. Oh, yeah, yeah. You were coming in town this week, but you were actually, this is your last day, right? You're here.

Yeah, that worked all fine, though. Well, next time you're here, man, let's do a longer one. People love you. Thank you. Oh, wow. Go buy it. Go buy a cd it's hilarious i'm sure all your stuff is great you're a very funny comic and check them out tonight on conan on tbs and uh that's it you fucks all right we'll uh we'll be back later today with the wonderful cliffy b from epic games formerly of epic games cliffy is a a renegade on his own now. He gives zero fucks.

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