The Joe Rogan Experience - #432 - Joey "CoCo" Diaz

Episode Date: December 23, 2013

Joey "CoCo" Diaz is a Cuban-American stand up comedian and actor. Joey also hosts his own podcast called "The Church of What's Happening Now", available on Spotify.

the joe rogan experience good googly moogly joey diaz what's up beautiful good googly moogly good googly moogly we uh we did find the origin of great googly moogly what was it it was like from 19 it was the great it was great googly moogly was the first one and it was from like the 1970s do you remember where you heard it i heard it uh from a kid from uh north carolina where's all the marine station in north carolina uh whatever base that was that's what he was from he grew up there like he was uh and he used to always never bring up a big rocker cokie go good googly moogly he was with and he used to always, whenever I'd bring him a big rock of coke, he'd go, good googly moogly. He was with a North Carolina accent.

It's Frank Zappa, isn't it? Yes, it's from Frank Zappa. It's great googly moogly. It's from the Frank Zappa song, Nanook Rubs It. 1974? Yeah, 74, huh? Have you ever put Frank Zappa on with that fucking band, like Frank's Garage? They were really good, man.

They were weird. It was fucking crazy. Like, after a while, you're like, I can't do this no more. But one of the best drummers that we have today originated from that band. He created Missing Persons, him and his wife. Really? Dale and Terry Bazia, who was in Playboy. Wow.

Who gives a fuck? I found out about Frank Zappa from my friend Tom. I was probably like 10 or 11 years old, and I had this one friend. He's a weird kid, and his dad was weird as fuck. His dad was a super hippie, man. He drove a Saab. I'll never forget that. His dad had this really weird car where the fucking key was on the floor.

You ever see a Saab? They have police cars in Aspen, Colorado. Are they really? That's what they drive in Aspen, Colorado. Are they really? That's what they drive in Aspen. Saabs. It makes sense. I bet those things drive really fucking good in the snow. They're made by an aviation company. Saab was initially an aviation company. Are they still out there?

I think Saab's still around. Saab's still around because they have a weird body style. They're very weird. But you know by the insignia. Saab has a very, can you put it up Brian? There's someone who's trying not to look flashy on purpose. It's like a car that you can get where you know

it's a really well engineered car, but that's a non-flashy car. Like a Saab is like an under the radar, sort of like really nice high end car. Saab's actually closed down. They're one of the dealers. They're done? Yeah.

Oh, no. They went under when? Nobody was buying them. They're a tough sell. Well, it's because they have that reputation of being ugly. They're fucking ugly. They're these ugly, understated, really well-engineered cars. You know why I want to buy a Cadillac?

You wanted to, like recently? In the worst way. Why didn't you buy it? In the worst way. When you're Cuban, that worst way. Why didn't you buy it? In the worst way. When you're Cuban, that's success. Why didn't you buy it? Because when I mentioned it on the podcast, fucking service riders that worked at Cadillac places were secretly emailing me going, don't do it.

The paint is bad. No. There's a problem with this. I mean, so many inside. How long ago was this? How long ago was this? Three months ago. The CTSV just won car of the year.

I don't know, but the Cadillac people hit me up going, dog, just move on. Because maybe I live in service. Maybe, you know. Now, that's the heavy duty one, which I didn't care because I would lease them. See, I like leasing cars because you get more of a car for your money. If you don't have money, that's what you do. You lease a fucking car. Well, especially the reality is cars are good for a few years.

Two years. Two years, it starts going wrong. You get rid of them before anything goes wrong. So I was leaning towards the Cadillac. I drove it. I fucking loved it. I was just getting in it. You know, just getting in it, you want to cry like you think of Scarface.

Remember when they showed up with the Cadillac? What did he say to her? It's a Cadillac. Yeah. The Cuban, the real Cuban. When I saw he say to her? It's a Cadillac. Yeah. The Cuban, the real Cuban. When I saw that, I go, they had a really good consultant. Listen, you need a Cadillac in your life. Fuck the paint.

You understand me. Just telling me this makes me think you need to get a Cadillac. Oh, I was so sad when the service riders talked me out of it. I want to buy Americans. Fuck those guys. I want to do all this shit. And then I went on the Subaru thing. I've had three Subarus.

I go, it's time to get something else. But Subaru sold me with the fucking free service. They got you a free service? That's customer satisfaction. That's customer satisfaction. I always say in the next couple of years, everybody's going to have a good product. It's going to be so competitive. So how people are going to beat you out is by customer service.

You go to a Four Seasons Hotel in Denver and the one in Chicago, it's two big differences. Then you go to that Harley Davidson Hotel that you took me to in Milwaukee. That's one of the best hotels around. You can't stay still in that hotel without somebody coming up to you going, can I get your water? Can I get your menu? Do you need a ride?

And you're like, what the fuck? Yeah. It's all custom. So when I found out that about Subaru, that's what made me go back to the Subaruaru i see because it's free it's free service now i think i still gotta pay for breaks and tires but i all i gotta do is bring it in for the 1500 bring it in for 35 100 right i see what you're saying so man i don't know joey i still really oh please i was get a goddamn white one no you haven't gotten it yet? No, I got the Subaru. The new Subaru last week.

You did. So you're done. Yeah, I want him done. Oh, okay. So there's no sense in talking about this. Good luck with the Subaru. Oh, I love it. You know me, though.

I'm an old... When that lease is up, dude, get a fucking Cadillac. Or if you decide to go second car Super Bowl, or if you do that one day, which I can see in the Joey Diaz future for sure, second Super Bowl You're getting a goddamn Cadillac Okay You got it Get it It's just passion If you enjoy it

Look I had a Mustang GT500 And it was a piece of shit I'm going to be honest with you It's like A new one? Yeah Here's the problem Yeah it's got

I had a 2010 And there was a lot of issues with the car Like as far as like the way it would drive It's because of the rear axle. They've got what's called a live rear axle. It's like a big fat log on the end that connects to two tires. It's just not the optimum setup. And like when you drive it around in it, there's a lot of body flex because it was a convertible.

Better than the previous years, but still it felt like uneasy when you're driving it. That said, I had more fun in that car than i think any car i've had like i've ever owned ever because it was so stupid because it was so loud and it was so fun and i was like holy shit i'm driving around a fucking mustang you know it it was fun it was like there's something to that like maybe the build quality is not as nice but what's the philosophy behind the car well the the shelby the was, let's take something that doesn't make any fucking sense. Let's take way more power than anybody needs.

Slap it into this fucking car, put a crazy exhaust on it, make it so it burns rubber and every gear anytime you want. It's a retarded car. And when you have something like that, you know it's all for fun. If you're driving a fucking Cadillac CTS-V, these goddamn things beat Ferraris in drag

races. What's the horsepower? Ridiculous. What is it? It's in the 500s. Oh. It's ridiculous. I'll tell you exactly.

It's a ridiculously fast car. They're one of the most powerful sedans that you can buy today. Dude, they go zero to 60 in four seconds. And I drove the one under that. I'm not going to lie. I didn't drive the CVXD with all of them. Jesus Christ, less than 4 seconds. They go 0-60 in 3.9 seconds.

556 horsepower. Whoa. Brian. That's insane. How bad is life in the service department when you only have one car? Seriously, how bad is it? How bad is it when they can't fix your fucking car

and you only have one car? You were just bad is it? How bad is it when they can't fix your fucking car, and you only have one car? You were just going through it. I'm talking to you. Yeah, the good thing is that some dealers, depending on how old or new your car is, they'll just give you a rental car. They gave me this loaner car, which is fine, that Volkswagen. Listen, son, when you're driving a fucking fat silver CTS-V,

and you're just enjoying the shit out of it, so it breaks every now and again. You bring it in. They fix it up. When you're driving it, you're going to enjoy it. There's going to be a feeling that you don't get when you're in that fucking Subaru. The Subaru is reliable. It'll get you where you want to go, but it bores the piss out of you.

It's a different experience. No, this one's a nice one. This is a nice one. It's nice, but it's not like this crazy thing. I grew up in Jersey and I grew up in the metropolitan area. And as you know, you just grow up around people. And I went to Boulder. I went to Colorado, and I really went to Boulder.

When I lived in Boulder, I enjoyed living there because I always felt stupid. I felt insecurely. They got a big university. A lot of smart people there. And I'll tell you, all those smart people, I couldn't argue them out of a Subaru. They would come and I'd go, if I gave you this car, I'd invoice. You know, and I'd say, what about a Toyota? And they would say, look, a guy.

In Boulder, there's Subaru people and there's Toyota people. There's Toyota people that have one of those Jeeps that they don't even make no more. Yeah, those Land Rover things. What are they called? And they pay top dollar. Like, people, if you sell one with 300,000 miles, some genius white dude will come to your house in the snow, get under the car, look at it, and make you a cash offer, pay you $1,000 over book. And then you're like, what plan do you have with this? And he's like, man, I'm going to rip this engine out. And you're like, what do you do for a living?

I'm an electronic engineer. I run the electronic, whatever. Four runners. to rip this engine out. And you're like, what do you do for a living? I'm an electronic engineer. Yeah. I run the electronic, whatever. Forerunners. That's what they are. Forerunners. No, no. The other one.

The one before the forerunner? They don't even make them no more. They're those little ones. Yeah. Landcruisers. The old body Landcruiser. But it's not a Landcruiser because a Landcruiser is a Land Rover, right? Range Rover and Land Rover.

It is a Land Cruiser. It is a Land Cruiser. So Land Cruiser and then there's Land Rover. Right. But the Land Rover is Land Rover. Right. Land Cruiser It is a Land Cruiser So Land Cruiser And then there's Land Rover Right but the Land Rover Is Land Rover Land Cruiser I got confused Belongs to Toyota

And in Boulder You can't buy a new Land Cruiser People won't buy the new ones Because the power Going up Lee Hill So people are going For the old ones And then like

Putting super engines In them and shit But they fucking Took them to You know they have A specialty like Even Boulder had Burt Subaru Is the biggest dealer in the world.

Their number, like, eight is Subaru. But they had so many Subarus in Boulder that you couldn't take it to the service department at Burt or at Denver. So what happened was this guy left the Subaru organization and opened up by Lee Hill Super Repair. That was the name of it. All they did was Subarus. And I used to talk to that guy, and he would talk my ear off. But that dude knew about cars. And he sold me, like, he's like, look, if I had a million dollars,

I'd still have a Subaru in my parking lot. Wow. Because I know I could depend. He would talk to me about it. Like, he had been a Subaru since 1968. There's a lot of people that are really dedicated to those old Toyotas, too, right? Oh, in Colorado. Because they know what it is.

You know what it was when you went down that hill that night with your wife. You know what it's like, bro. Well, those Subarus have, like, the most sophisticated four-wheel drive system for those kind of cars. Like, when you look at, like, the top ten cars that drive in the snow, at least two out of ten were Subarus. And they had this most recent top 10 list. They have good ground clearance. They just figured out how to make a car that, I mean, the success is so undeniable in Colorado. You look around, you see Subarus everywhere.

Colorado is number one. I think Montana, Wyoming. They just, people learn. That's it. They make a living just on those three states. Subaru makes a fortune just on three real American states. Then people who move to New Mexico have them. New Mexico is very sophisticated by where they ski.

Not where they shot the longest yard or Albuquerque. No. Upmore. It's fucking gorgeous. Like Santa Fe? Santa Fe is gorgeous, but Upmore. There's one more town. Las Cruces.

Las Cruces. Oh, God. Yeah, I don't know that town very well. You're in the mountains. You're in the mountains. It's no big, it's really beautiful. It's a green chili on everything. We should do a gig in New Mexico.

I've never done anything in New Mexico. No, it's just so tough. They closed the comedy club down. I spoke to Clay Guida. Clay has a friend that has a rock club in New Mexico. We contacted him two or three times. The guy's like not sold on it. He doesn't know comedy.

Well, let's do a you and me show there. Let's go. All of us. We'll get the agents to do it. Yeah, let's do it. So we won't have to search around. They'll find a place. Yeah, whatever's the best spot.

Santa Fe or Albuquerque. Albuquerque has more people. Yeah. Albuquerque. Brian's an expert. He's like, trust me. No, no, no. I've done research on New Mexico.

Tate's from there. And so then you don't really want to go outside of Albuquerque, I heard. Really? No, no. Santa Fe. Santa Fe is supposed to be. Santa Fe is cream of the crop. Albuquerque is bad boys, bad boys.

The first eight seasons of bad boys. Santa Fe. Yeah. Albuquerque is the real fucking deal, though. Yeah, there's a lot of that. They shoot a lot of Diego Sanchez ain't fucking around. He's down there running shit. They fucking throw down down there. They really shit. They fucking throw down down there.

They really do. They really throw down down there. But it'd be interesting just to go down there and do a fucking nice. Yeah, I've never been. I need to go. There's a lot of parts of this country that I've never been. Like, you ever been to the Dakotas, north or south? Yes.

Did you go and see the Mount Rushmore? Yes. Really? I did comedy in Snake River. Wow. So it's either south or... They used to have a weekend gig there, and I was jonesing for blow, and I couldn't find any.

And I looked in the kitchen, and there was one Mexican in the fucking kitchen. And he popped out, and that was the end of that fucking thing. Wow, that is so crazy. Tribble used to have rooms. Him and his partner had rooms when I first started in North and South Dakota. And South Dakota was a little dirtier. It could be dirty.

It was a Friday, Saturday. So I would drive from Colorado to Snake River or Green River, something river. Wow. And I did all through Idaho. I did the one in Idaho where Evel Knievel jumped, that river. Snake River, right? Snake River. You do Twin Falls, Snake River, Boise, American whatever,

where the Air Force bases. You do all that shit on those. They call it Potato Run 1 and Potato Run 2. Wow. And you do everything. American, what the fuck is the Air Force base in Idaho? American home. American something Fucking

You do everything up there Twin Falls I fingered a fucking Indian chick I told you the other day Yogurt came out Of a fucking monkey At Twin Falls

Fucking amazing And she was a real Indian Not like a You know Not from India Isn't that hilarious You're saying A real Indian You mean Native American Right Not like a person from India, which is actually an Indian.

She's a real Indian. You've got to confuse me for it. I'm confused too, man. We're both confused. Yeah, this is a bunch of spots that I've never been to, man. I don't think I've ever been in Wyoming. Great place. Yeah, it looks cool.

Very, very frigid. It looks very cowboy, too. Very cowboy. Dude's like, stay cowboy. They keep rocking it. You have Cheyenne. I'm going to tell you something, and you're not going to believe this. Okay.

And you know me. Cheyenne, Wyoming had some of the best Chinese food I ever ate in my fucking life in the States. Well, I believe you, man. I used to drive from Boulder on Fridays to Cheyenne, Wyoming. It was a 45-minute drive, and I'd get shrimp and lobster sauce. And I'd get there, and I'd see 20 other New Yorkers

standing out there. I don't know what this guy did, but every New Yorker in Wyoming would drive to this place on Fridays. A guy would cook shrimp and lobster sauce, pork fried rice, and an egg roll. And it was delicious. Did you ever see that episode of Anthony Bourdain's show, No Reservations, when he went to Wyoming? Oh, no, it wasn't Wyoming. I'm confusing it with Montana.

Montana's great, too, dog, but that's fucking weather. Oh, dude, I know, yeah. That's weather. I camped there in October, in late October. And how was it? It was terrible. It was freezing. It was freezing.

It was fun, though. It was fun because it was something new and something different. It's relatively safe as far as mountain lines go. There's no bears. You don't have to worry about that. It was cold as fuck, but relatively safe. Montana is like, it's still cowboy country.

I mean, it's really fascinating. Is the speed limit still crazy up there? Well, they didn't have any speed limit for the longest time, but the federal government was like, listen, fuck us. If you want any money at all from us, you gotta put up a fucking speed limit. I remember there was no speed. We used to do like 90

nothing. Yeah, I had a buddy, Steve Graham, Dr. Steve. Dr. Steve lived in Montana. So now it's 75 again? Fucking pedal it. Oh, yeah, yeah. I used to fucking pedal it up there. Craziness. Fucking crank it to the, it's basically the Autobahn. Billings, Montana used to have like, I think of a Holiday Inn or something.

Once you pulled off, it was right in the middle of town, a circle. They still do comedy there. Wow. You know, it seats 200. It's a bar downstairs in a hotel. But I did that for Tribble thousands of times. Billings has a good vibe. Callan and I landed in Billings, and we had dinner in Billings there the final night,

and it seems like real nice people. No, no, nice people. Real nice people. Really, no, no, no, it's real nice. That's a place where you go where you just, you know what, I'm moving to Montana. I'm going to raise my kids. I'm fine. Well, you know what, man?

There's something about the people that live that close to nature. I felt the same way about Anchorage. You been to Alaska? Yes. Goddamn, Anchorage is one of the coolest places in the world. There's something about being that close to nature. It's like the people are more, I want to say humble. I want to say they're more grounded.

They're more grounded by weather. They're more grounded by just the intense connection they have to nature. I mean, fucking eagles are everywhere up there. I mean, they see eagles all the time. I saw like three or four eagles while I was there. You know what it's like to go 45 years of your life, never seen a fucking eagle, and then all of a sudden you see a gang of them. You're like, there's an eagle.

That's another eagle. One would fly overhead. You're like, holy shit, look at the size of that fucking thing. You see moose up there? We saw five moose in two days, Ari Shafir and I did. Five moose. We caught these giant salmon that had come out of the ocean. They're fucking swimming upriver to hatch and shit.

It was like we were just in a real piece of wilderness. We had to look out for bears. You have to keep an eye out for fucking bears joey diaz it's the weirdest place ever but the people uh we were not no we didn't have anything did you cook it right up we did one um how good was it oh delicious man delicious we most of what we uh we caught we had to release that day because of the numbers of the salmon we're, it all depending on how many fish come through. Like if they only have like 20 fish come through in a day, they shut down the ability to catch the fish and keep them. You have to catch and release.

But we caught one that was a rainbow trout. And the rainbow trout was, oh, my God, it was delicious. It was so, cause it's so fresh. I mean, you're getting it like right from this river. Oh, just the, this, the majesty of that place, man. It's incredible. It's, it's so, it's so weird. It's so weird being up there because you realize that this is how these people live and it's so far removed from anything you would experience in LA, except I got to tell you some shit that went down last night, man. Listen to this. You know I have chickens, right?

So I go outside to shut the light out in the chicken coop. The chickens keep the light on during the winter months inside for a couple extra hours so they lay more eggs. They lay less eggs when it starts getting darker. And we're like, fuck you, bitch. Go back to work. Make some eggs. when it starts getting darker. And we're like, fuck you, bitch.

Go back to work. Make some eggs. So anyway, I go out to shut the light off, and I hear fucking running, like a big, heavy animal running. And I don't know what it is, but I know it's big. And I hear ba-da-ba-boom, ba-da-ba-ba-boom, ba-da-ba-boom, running through the grass.

And then I hear another one chasing it, and it's dark out, but I'm near the hill. And I can see the silhouettes on the top of the hill so as these things are running by I'm seeing them running by and I don't know what the fuck it was I'm assuming that it was a deer that's being chased by either a coyote or a mountain lion if I was going to be on the fantastic side I'd lean towards mountain lion because I heard more than one heavy animal. And it could be that there was just two deer that were running away from some coyotes. What are you showing us here? This is foxes in a chicken coop at night.

Well, they weren't trying to get in the chicken coop. That's not what I'm saying. Something was chasing after this deer. These deer were running, man. They were running uphill, full clip. And you could hear the trampling on the ground and fucking leaves were kicking up. And it was no more than 100 feet from me. So it was like some real live National Geographic shit.

Because whatever the fuck that animal was that was running, that's at least a 70, 80-pound animal. It was a big deer. It was a regular-sized deer. It wasn't like a baby. Whatever it is, it was running. I'm being real conservative by saying 70. It was probably a 100-pound deer. It was a regular size deer. It wasn't like a baby, whatever it is. It was, I mean, I'm saying, I'm being real conservative by saying 70, it's probably a hundred pound deer. So as it's running, you hear this other footstep and they all just ran by me, ran by me, ran by me. And then, um, I did see a coyote, uh, a silhouette of a coyote on the horizon. So it could have been

the coyotes that were chasing and the big animals could have all just been deer. Hard to tell because it was so dark out. And I think what I saw was a coyote. It was so hard to tell because it was really dark and there was a little bit of moonlight out and a little bit of lights from some street lights and shit. But it was just so freaky to see some life and death

shit taking place a hundred feet from you just randomly. Like I just randomly walked into a fucking gang hit, an animal gang hit. These fucking gangs of coyotes or whatever the fuck it was, one mountain lion or coyotes were trying to kill someone that lives in their neighborhood and eat them. You need to get some night vision, son.

Get like a Sony camcorder by the back door. What I need to do is get some game cameras. They have game cameras that will go off when they detect motion you know and uh we actually use them when we're hunting bigfoot unsuccessfully but we did get a picture of an elk but that's what they're for you know i would love to have seen what the fuck it was could you imagine if i had a cool video of a mountain lion chasing down a deer or even a pack of coyotes chasing down a deer somebody my lion would obviously be cooler but somebody was chasing a deer and i was watching it all happen it was nuts it was really freaky like because it was a hundred feet from me

just fucking things running behind like whoa this is you know this is not what you expect you go out to check and see if the chicken's light's still on. That's crazy. Yeah, it's intense. It's pretty intense. I'm petrified of all that shit. I love it. I would shit my fucking pants.

I don't mind seeing a deer or an elk. We were talking about that show the other night. For the most part, you're pretty safe. It's just interesting as fuck that we were discussing about Alaska. Oh, yeah. A life below zero. That was that found the moose and skinned it and took the liver because she was anemic. And then they showed the other guy walking from his house into the wilderness eating fucking weeds with a little bit of food. I mean, they had like four different stories going at once.

That was the most interesting shit I've seen as a reality show in 20 fucking years. It's a very interesting show because it's not fake either. Oh, my God. They're not faking anything like, oh, no, I lost my lighter. They're not doing any of that. The actual life itself that these people are living up there is so intense that it's worth just paying attention to. Life below zero. Absolutely.

Yeah, to me, it's one of the best of those reality shows. I like Alaska, The Last Frontier. That's another really good one. That's another good one. Yeah, yeah. There's a couple of them. That's these families that are homesteading up there. And that's a really fascinating show because they seem like really, really nice people.

Really cool, like salt of the earth people that are living up there in Alaska. And like no one's a shithead. Alaska, The Last Frontier is the only show I've ever seen on reality TV where there's no enemy. Every person on that show is a good person They're all very nice and very friendly. They all seem to have a good sense of humor. They seem to get along great They seem to be good natured. They seem to all be hard-working. No one's lazy. Everyone does their part But all they're doing their whole life is Stockpiling food and getting ready for the big freeze and it fucking catches them for eight months

So for eight months, you could barely get around. You could barely do anything. It's fucking freezing for eight months. So the four months outside of that is all about gathering food. So the whole show is about these people catching fish or shooting a moose and cutting it up or shooting a bear. They're getting their food entirely from the land. I watched the episode with the white dude with the indian wife and she's got like dude with an indian wife and she's got like

she's got like three four kids that are his oh oh and they got a couple girls and a couple boys and they show them getting out of the boat she's an eskimo right she's an eskimo they show them uh setting up the net so when the salmon come through, they could get them. That was as interesting as I ever saw. What was the most interesting thing? Not setting up the nets was that they involved the whole fucking family. Yeah. Everybody was working.

Everybody was wet fucking cutting knives and trees and sweeping. So that really fucking was like, wow. The little kids had big ass knives they have a job oh yeah like nothing i'd be puking at that it was intense it's intense yeah and you know i thought that eskimo was a bad word i thought they decided that eskimo was bad and you're supposed to say inuit but she calls herself an eskimo so i don't know i don't know what's the politically correct indian i'm fucked correct. Indian Eskimo. Well, it's not that far removed.

You know, that was a funny thing that came out of, there was a guy who was a rich dude who was a Mormon who was absolutely convinced that the Mormon doctrine was true and that Joseph Campbell really was correct that the American Indians were actually the lost tribes of Israel. This dude just made shit up, right? That guy, Joseph Smith, who created Mormonism, is

one of the most hilarious characters in all of recorded history. When it comes to a guy who influenced a large group of people to believe him. Because the stuff that he thought was so wacky. So much of it was just so ridiculous. But this was a big one.

That the lost tribes of Israel were the American Indians. So this fucking guy's like, I'm going to prove that this is a true story, and the Mormon god is the only god. Whatever. So this fucking guy spends a ton of money to get the American Indian, Native American genome identified. It turns out they're from Siberia. They all came down from the Bering Strait. Like all the Native Americans, they're very, very similar genetically to people that lived in Siberia. It's pretty intense.

Stop and think about that. It's funny because this dummy actually believed they were from Israel, but it is fascinating scientifically to think that I love when scientists get it right. When they figured out that people walked across the Bering Strait and they made it to North America. They mapped it out. They're right. Like, yeah, look.

Did you see these Native Americans? They're from Siberia. It's the same folk. Same folk who came down that – I like it when they're right. It's fascinating. It's fascinating to think that they figured that out. They figured out how people got here. And who got here first is always under debate. They figured out how people got here. Who got here first is

always under debate. They're always finding some new shit. They just found some shit in New Zealand. They found a boat that was a hundred years older than Captain Cook's. So they're trying to figure out who the fuck landed in New Zealand first now.

Imagine if you had to live back then, Joey Diaz, traveling around by boat. I couldn't even fucking think. Have you ever done a cruise? Do you ever work a cruise? No. Fuck work a cruise. Get the fuck out of here. You never even thought about doing it

back in the day? Fuck no. In the hard times, you wouldn't take a good gig on a cruise? Fuck. I gotta be on a boat talking to people. When I do a show, man. Shit, I got to be on a boat talking to people. You know, when I do a show, they go home, I go home. On a boat, nobody goes home. You just walk around in fucking circles. And you bump into these fucking knuckleheads throughout the whole fucking day.

Like, hey, how you doing? You're the one that insulted the Christian. You have to find that. Stop. It's 2 in the afternoon. I'm trying to get a suntan here. I just want to tell you that I was offended by your performance last night. And I told the captain. Yeah, I told the afternoon. I'm trying to get a suntan. I just want to tell you that I was offended by your performance last night and I told the captain.

Yeah, I told the captain and they, you know, I was on a boat one time that big. In the 80s, they still do. They have a thing in New York, the trip to nowhere. And you get on the boat, six o'clock at a Weehawken

on New York Harbor and they take you outside the city limits and you get gambling. You eat like a pig. You fuck the chicken. The next day, they drop you off at 6 in the morning and everybody's good and I got sick for a little while

to take the pills. I've been on boats, like fishing boats a lot. And when I was a kid, I was on every summer and then in Miami and then I started getting seasick once I got older. So one time I smoked a fucking joint. Let me tell you something. Being seasick is bad enough.

Smoking weed and going on a boat on the Jersey Shore, that'll kill you. Were you freaking out? I just went down on him but I got back to the fucking boat

and my friend kept smoking the joint. He's a savage. He's out there fishing with one arm and shit. Smoking joints and he kept saying to me,

you sure you don't want to smoke anymore? Because I was out. We bought some strong weed in Harlem. I was out. It's one of the most uncomfortable things. Yes. When you're too high and you're out in public. But being on a boat.

Oh, that's terrible. Something, you know, being high and getting on a boat is something that you're not used to. This time I got on a fucking, bro, I got on a fucking plane last week. I got anxiety like a motherfucker with those little planes. Those are spooky. Those are spooky, man.

Was it a propeller one or was it a jet, a little jet? I didn't look. I just sat there and looked straight and sweated like fucking bull. What kind of noise did it make? Did it go? Yeah, that's not good. No, that's the one that connected from Chicago to Nashville. I took the early, early flight.

And I usually take the 11 o'clock direct flight, but I took the early flight and I went into Chicago. And then I had to fucking fly there in that little plane. It's anxiety. And they put you in that little seat by yourself. I was like in 3A. It's weird that we rely on air travel to get to do our job, but we do. You know, both of us in a lot of ways and more ways i mean what what else and people don't understand that it's tough to travel i've just

made it a simple situation so have you we've turned it into a situation that's so not uncomfortable well you got to make sure you don't do it too much that's one thing don't do too much you got to know what too much is for you and if you you start burning out from the road, you got to back off. No, no, no. I mean, as far as like planes, I know exactly what planes to catch. Very seldom do I get delayed. I know how to get a plane ticket now. You know, if first class isn't available, I can't upgrade.

I know to get a thing for my ticket so I could sweep through security on the fucking whatever lane. I just put the thing in for pre-TSA. Let's see if they approve me. Who the fuck knows? Yeah, good luck. Good luck.

That would be fascinating if they approved you. My sins were a long fucking time ago. You know what I'm saying? If you can't take a show, take a show. The problem is

people don't look at it that way because most people don't reform. I mean, how many people do you think that are like hardcore criminals ever actually fully reformed? I got kidnapped and a couple burglaries and some drugs i ain't no terrorist you know

what i'm saying i'm just a pimp trying to make kids that's it i ain't no fucking terrorism i see things from your perspective clearly i love you but i also see things from the law enforcement perspective like hmm this guy might are you fucking crazy he might not have ever got his shit together no i understand but you know But you know what I'm saying? You never know. You never know. You have, but I mean, how many guys that we knew when we were growing up who were criminals, stayed criminals, or wound up dying?

Oh, no, I know. Like, everybody I knew that was a crazy person. Like, they don't really... You're still fucking crazy. Yeah, they're pretty... I'm still fucking crazy. I'm just not a criminal. I'm still fucking out there.

Do you think this is because you found an outlet in stand-up comedy that's just as exciting? Because I got to think that a lot of the criminal lifestyle is not just the fact that you're trying to get by. There's also a little bit of a charge in getting away with shit. Absolutely. For me, it was the charge. It was looking at a motherfucker and going, yeah, what? Now what? You were talking all that shit.

Now what? You know, some guy run up to you. To me, it was that, but comedy outweighed the thrill of doing that shit. And more and more, it just outweighed it. So it became my love. It became a passion. It was like a seesaw. You know, it was like a seesaw.

It just kept switching, and the love kept getting greater for comedy. I put more emphasis on you can't do comedy in jail right you could do comedy if you sit around the fucking thing with a bunch of brothers and jump up and down but you can't do comedy in jail did you also start to feel like you know with comedy you know you're you're you're you're feeling that excitement but a positive result is coming out of it everybody's having a good time you're having a good time they're having a good time no one feels bad about it after it's over. Whereas when you do something criminal,

there's always going to be a bit of remorse. You're always going to think you'll justify it, but there's always going to be a bit of remorse that you've resorted to stealing or hurting people. We all know, I think, inherently that that's not the way to go. No, but you and I are very smart in ways that we saw something that a lot of people didn't see, even though we love something. You loved fighting. Until today, you still love fighting. But you thought about your life at the age of 50,

and you said, I want to be able to pick up kids. I want to be able to remember my name. And there's no, even with football now, now we're seeing it more with football with me i know one thing for sure i know one thing for sure and we'll sit here till we find me name me a mobster a criminal a gangster that made millions and didn't die in a can or get shot let me tell you something there's nothing worse than living your life like a pimp i mean you're 51 get a knock on your door. And now in your old age, you've told me a thousand times how much you fear getting older, not being able to take care of yourself.

Think of being 52. The feds come in. They take everything. There's nothing left. After those vultures come. And they put you in a cage. And they put you in a cage. And give you shitty food. And your family has to fend for themselves now.

And they got a reputation now. These people can't live in a neighborhood. They give you shitty food. And your family has to fend for themselves now. And they got a reputation now. These people can't live in a neighborhood. They can't live in a gated community. They were married to a... I always knew that the Embers... I had an uncle who I loved as a kid. And I would go to Miami. My mom would send me to Miami for a summer.

My mom didn't let me fucking stay in New York those early days. In the summer, I would go to Miami. And he built the Northwest. He built the Southwest. He was a construction guy, and he was like guys we grew up with. He was a heavy guy that did the whole job himself. He was the GC. He dug it.

He laid the pipe. He did the brickwork, the wood, and he became this thing. He became a millionaire. But you know what he used to do every summer? He'd drive out here in a fucking camper with his kids and stuff the bottom with weed and go back to Miami. And I guess one summer he shot a motherfucker. And I knew this guy. You know, when I was a kid, when I was a kid at night,

he would take me and we'd go on a boat and we'd go out to Miami and he'd pull in the weed and then we'd go to a warehouse and we'd drop the weed off and we'd go the next day and we'd get back to his room about 5, because his wife and him didn't sleep in the same bed. So I would hang out with my cousins. There were three of them, and I would sleep in the room with him. And at 1, after TV, in the old days, the TV shut off at 1.

Once Mission Impossible turned off, the Pledge of Allegiance came on. And he would go, Goquito, get ready. And we'd get ready, we'd go to La Vaquita. La Vaquita's those little stores in Miami that you pull through and you buy a beer and a thing of milk and eggs. And he'd take a beer and we'd drive to the boat. He'd get on the boat. When I was seven.

And we'd pull out. He'd pull in the weed and we'd go back. And then we'd go back and the next day I'd go play with the kids and I couldn't say nothing. And he trusted me because he knew that I knew what my mother did. But one day when I was down there one summer, they knocked on his fucking door. And they arrested him when I was down there. And I had to go home.

And then my mother told me what happened. He shot a guy, like in the 60s. And now it's the 70s. And he's in his backyard target practicing. And some guy in a new development eight miles away is walking his dog. And he shoots and the bullet keeps going and hits him in the fucking leg. He goes to the hospital. And some guy in a new development, eight miles away, is walking his dog. And he shoots, and the bullet keeps going and hits him in the fucking leg. He goes to the hospital.

They take it out. They scan it. It's the same bullet that shot the guy in California 10 years earlier. This motherfucker, in the height of his career, with his kids 7 to 10, has to sell everything, move his kids to a two-bedroom in Atlanta. Meanwhile, he had a house like fucking, you know, 10 bedrooms. He had to move his kids to Atlanta. The attorney had to do eight fucking years.

He came out when he was 64. You know what happens when you come out when you're 64 broke? There's nothing. He died. And the last time I talked to him was during the tornado in Miami. He was living in a fucking trailer. That lesson taught me right there that that's not the way. You know what I'm saying? I'd rather have a hard life and then it gets easy

and then when you're 60 or 70 you live like a doctor. You want to play with your grant. You want to look out the back. So I saw the same future you saw. You saw it. You saw what the ending is. Yeah, I could end up on CBS Sports but that's 22% of those people. The other 68,

whatever percentage number is, they end up in hospitals. They can't remember their name. You know what I'm saying? Well, I was lucky that martial arts didn't have a venue back then. There wasn't a professional venue because when I was 21 years old,

I think I had my last fight either 21 or 22, but I remember thinking, where's this going? They had offered me a pro kickboxing fight for like 500 bucks, something like that I was like okay well I got a train for like six weeks to make 500 bucks like that's crazy and I know that this is like like a first fight but I was like well how much to champions make so I found out this kid in Rhode Island that was world champion and I was you know asking people trains on my goes this guy, is he well off?

Like, how does he do? They go, bro, if he's lucky, if he's lucky, he'll make $1,000 for a fight. And I was like, what? And they were like, there's no money in this. And I was like, okay, what am I doing? What am I doing? I'm either going to get hit in the head

in Taekwondo tournaments for free because there's zero professional outlet or I'm going to do kickboxing, which I was already sort of at a disadvantage at because I didn't start off my career kickboxing. So the transition from taekwondo into kickboxing was going to take a little while for me to really get it down. I was getting better with my hand techniques,

but fucking headaches, man. I would get headaches where I'd lie in bed and know that my head was throbbing because dudes had punched it. I just had taken shots in the head and kicks and punches and your fucking skull's getting rattled around. And there I am alone in my shitty apartment in Medford, lying on a mattress, looking up at the ceiling,

going, am I breaking my brain? Like, am I going to irreversibly break my brain doing this shit? Training for kickboxing tournaments fighting three times in a day for nothing fighting for nothing there was no money at all there was no money i came in second place in this kickboxing tournament there wasn't a dime it was just crazy violence for free you know and i thought about it and i was like there's only one option i have to get out of this before I break myself because I can keep going and maybe I could achieve some goals and start a school. But I had known at that point

that I wasn't going to be a very good selective teacher because I didn't want to teach anybody who wasn't crazy. Like if you didn't want to go to war, I'm really not interested in teaching you. I didn't want to do any aerobics classes. I didn't want to, I wanted to teach people who want to learn with every ounce of their being, I wanted to teach people who want to learn with every ounce of their being. I want to teach people who are obsessed like I was. I'm like, if you want to do this, you've got to, this is dangerous. There's people like me out there. They're going to try to kick your fucking head off your neck for real. And if they hit you, you're fucked. And if you keep going, you're going to wind up on the opposite side of a ring

with one of those fucking guys. And it's be a guy who is gonna try to kill you and you're gonna try to kill him and that's the game and you want to learn that this is what we got to do and if you don't do it my way if you don't do it the way that I've been taught and the way that my instructors have been taught and the way that everybody agrees is the right way to do it I don't want to do it I don't want to hear any cramp talk I don't want to hear I'm tired I don't want to hear shit I want you to keep don't want to hear I'm tired. I don't want to hear shit. I want you to force your body to work.

And if you can't do that, we can't talk. That's terrible for business. I didn't want to advertise. I didn't want to put up flyers. I only wanted to get the hardest core dudes and women that were willing to fight. One of my best students was a chick that I started out from a white belt

and brought her all the way up to a really strong blue belt, about to get her red belt, which is right before black in Taekwondo. And she was badass, man. I taught her from white belt onto higher ranks. She just dominated tournaments, man. This chick was crazy. But she absorbed it. She was like a sponge. She would come in.

There'd be all these hardcore people training, and she just got right into the mindset. All these people that had, you know, trained with me and that were ahead of me, like my friends, like Leroy Rodriguez and Larry Jones and all these like top level national black belts all lived in this Boston area. And they would all train together and come down. We would train with each other and bring students in. And the ones that were obsessed, man, they were fun. The ones who really wanted to get better. They just, you could see them just with every technique they threw, they got a little bit better at it. Every fucking day, they got a little bit better and you see them stretching and working on it. And it's exciting. But then if you see someone who's like half ass in it, it's brutal. It's hard. I can't do it. I can't, I can't, you know,

if they're not totally into it, I completely understand. But I don't want to be teaching you. You have to be a crazy person. If you're a crazy person, I'll teach you. Down the corner from me, there's a show at a con school and I go for walks at night. And I go in and I watch a 13 to 15 year old and I realize how many hours did I waste doing cottage. How many fucking hours did I waste doing cottage? That How many fucking hours did I waste doing cartas? That's a big point of controversy in the martial arts community. Fucking cartas, fucking cartas, fucking cartas. And you know what? I got good at it. When I was a kid, I would go to those dumb tournaments in New York,

and I'd win first place in cartas. But in those days, there was no full contact. There was no semi-contact from the waist down, you know, from the waist to the neck. And I would always get disqualified for punching hard or something. Everybody did. But I sat there the other day and I go, how many fucking cartas did we do? Because now, if you know the cata, they'll promote you.

Mm-hmm. It's not like it used to be. It was that then as well. It's not that in jiu-jitsu. No, no, no. I tell you, I got my first stripe in jiu-jitsu. Did you really? Yeah.

Give me some knuckles. Seven months. My brother. It took me seven months, dog, but I did it. And I'm just doing gi. I'm horrible at the no-gi, dog. Hey,

it's fine. I'm just getting the gi shit together, but I fucking love it. Just enjoy the exercise. I sweat on people. You already have a lot of knowledge, man. No,

I don't have jiu-jitsu knowledge. Oh, you do. You have more than the average person. The conversations you've had with Eddie and with myself. Eddie's great. He's one of the best in the world.

He's one of the best instructors in world. He's one of the best instructors in the world. I'm just so bad at the gi. The way he breaks things down. I'm so bad at the no gi and grabbing people's neck. I got mitts, bro. I get really insecure.

It's just time. And if you lose more weight, the more weight you lose, the more mobility you'll get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all it is. Let me tell you something. It's going to melt off.

There's being in shape and there's being in jujitsu shape. No doubt. I can't go more than twice a week. It destroys me. So I try to go on Tuesdays and Thursday days. The guys, I go to VMAC, but it's a John Jock school, so I wanted to keep it in the family.

It's in North Hollywood. It's a John Jock black belt, Marcelo Butt. They have a Cabrinha black belt that teaches a purple belt. He's fucking tremendous, Joe Rogan. You know I've always been a fan of just straight jiu-jitsu yeah i like the ufc but for me i love watching eddie's videos i've watched that brazil video probably easy 500 times for the last two years i watch all of marcelo garcia's how to escape from the fucking side control i love all his three escapes i love all that shit and I'm fans of certain people

I really like. Stephen Kepling, I really like his stuff. He's a big white guy from Canada. Teaches some basic stuff online. It's amazing how much you could get online. Oh, yeah. Like, you could be in shape, but then there's jujitsu shape. Like, now I can do hip escapes just down one side. I can't do back and forth

yet. But when I would go, those things are hard. But now when I go to a hotel, and I do comedy, I go to the thing, I run and I do hip escapes. I do them in a hotel now. That's it. You could get a real good workout with body weight in a hotel. I do. If I just want to just do something to say I did something, I do a hundred body weight squats and a hundred Hindu pushups. And that really gets your heart going, man. A hundred body weight squats. When you start hitting like 70 and 80, you're like, Whoa, this is fucking like your legs are burning. You have to take big, deep breaths and complete it. And you can do it, but it's, you feel it. And then a hundred Hindu pushups is the same thing. When you're in like

Hindu pushup, number three, you're like, bitch, I'll do a hundred of my sleep. But then you start getting like towards 70 and you're like, Oh, and you're, by the time I do a hundred of each, I've got a decent, you know, 15 minute workout. And it's like, it's something real. It gets your heart pumping. Yeah. It's just with your body. And then supplement that with some sit-ups, do some pushups. And you could get a, like a rock solid workout in a hotel room with no room at all.

Easy. It's really nice. It's very nice. But I like everything. Everything's nice and easy. I do a lot of body weight stuff these days. Do you? A lot of body weight stuff.

A lot of body weight squats and a lot of chin-ups. I do a lot of like all the way down chin-ups, all the way down like this and slow. Because I think that's like motion that is like replicated in jiu-jitsu. Like pulling a body, cinching up up a choke like trying to pull someone in grabbing a gable grip trying to complete a sweep you know that's it's a lot of like slow pulling and it's like a long range of motion type thing like sometimes you're grabbing people from way out here and you're trying to suck them in you know so i think that chin-ups and and things along those lines like things that make make your body functionally strong,

I think those are really underrated. A lot of people want to just lift weights. They just want to fucking tell you, like dudes telling me, I put up 315 for four. Okay, whatever. What can you do with that body? You've got a Ferrari that you don't know how to drive. You've got this crazy race car that you can't even take the first corner you'll fall on your head you're not you're not

athletic like you're not even using this like to get good at a sport you don't do any sports you just lift like a crazy meathead like you got to do something with that you're not going to know how to use it 315. good 315. my goal at the end of this year is 315 for five 315. My goal at the end of this year is 315 for five. They high-five each other, and they secretly think about cock. Slap asses. Just fucking maybe.

When I first moved to Colorado, the guys next door to me would fucking lift. You know, just fucking insane amounts. And they would shoot Decker and just keep lifting. And that's all they did. I couldn't figure out. I would go down there and watch this. Their form was great. They mixed bodybuilding with strength techniques like deadlifts.

They had squats. And they did bodybuilding shit. Jesus Christ on a crutch. I was just laughing at something. What were you laughing about? Sorry, I spit coffee on myself. You're talking about your friend who used to have his mom shoot him with steroids while he was doing a line and he was on the phone. I spit coffee all over myself. He calls the podcast every six weeks.

He's still alive. He's still alive. He's still alive. How is he still alive? That's what I'm talking about. You know the guy I kidnapped finally called the podcast, right?

Yes, he told me. That is so ridiculous. 26 years later, he accepted the apology, and he calls me from time to time now. He says, hello, how are you?

When I lived in Revere, when I was kickboxing, when I was teaching at Nautilus Plus, there was a kid that used to was teaching at Nautilus Plus. There was a kid that used to work out at Nautilus Plus I became friends with. If he's listening to this, I forgot his name. I'm sorry, but we were friends for like a year or so.

Very nice guy. But anyway, he was fucking huge. He was like my age. We were both like around 21. But he was fucking gigantic. Like, I don't know how much he weighed, but I was like, I was fighting at 160 at the time. So I was probably about 160 plus pounds. And he was maybe 200.

And we were about the same height. And the dude was just fucking swole. Like, he looked way different than me. Like, he had a giant ass neck and giant shoulders. Looks different than me right now. He was just this big bodybuilder dude. And I didn't know what he did. didn't i was totally ignorant to steroids back then totally ignorant because i was always trying to lose weight i was not thinking about lifting

weights and getting any bigger i was trying to like compete at 154 pounds so in taekwondo and then 116 kickboxing but i i asked him once we were driving somewhere and i go uh so what do you eat and he goes uh he goes oh you know i have I have about 80% protein breakdown and this and that and that and this. And I said, and what kind of supplements do you take? And so he tells me, you know, I take a little bit of this, a little bit of that. This is really good for your metabolism. And I said, do you do any steroids? And there's a pause.

And he goes, dude, fucking look at me. What do you think? Of course I do steroids. And I was like, dude, fucking look at me. What do you think? Of course they do steroids. And I was like, oh, okay. But it was like the most hilarious conversation. Because he just like looks at me and goes, dude, fucking look at me. Did you ever hang with anybody whose world? What's that, American Gladiator star?

Nitro, he just had a heart attack and he blames it on a roid abuse. Wow. How about the blow he did for 30 years? It's the blow that's the issue. It's the blow with the fucking roids. Shane Del Rosario, who is the UFC fighter that died of a heart attack recently, he was a very cool guy, by the way, and a really good fighter, and a very good kickboxer.

Of course, a terrible tragedy. This guy died of a heart attack. But apparently they released the coroner's results and he had opiates in his system and cocaine so you know it was who knows what caused it but he also had a condition that he was born with you know that uh it was some sort of a heart condition that he had that was just genetic so it was that on top of the other stuff. But the coke is what gives people fucking heart attacks, man. Let me ask you something. Did you ever hang with anybody who, I mean, hang,

like on a daily basis that steroids was their world? You know that scene in The Wrestler? No. He goes to buy the juice. Yeah. And the guy says to him, I gave you two ounces of this, you know, whatever, vials of that. When you're in somebody's world that's like that, it is fucking insane.

It is just a different dimension. Well, you know what it's like, man? It's like anything. It's like gun nuts. You ever talk to a gun nuts about calibers? Well, like the.50 cal with the 7mm, the 5, 6, 7AM. They start talking in these crazy numbers. It's just 700 Win Mag. You don't know what the fuck they're saying it's you get confused well i got

a 308 i got a 270 the you know 22 caliber is the bullet goes at 3 000 feet per second like how the fuck do you know all this they become dorks they become gun dorks like my friend justin very cool dude 100 gun dork he's a gun dork we have conversations and gun dorks. Like my friend Justin. Very cool dude. 100% gun dork. He's a gun dork. We have conversations and I say that with all due respect and love because I love talking to him about guns. It's fascinating because I love talking to people about anything that they're super passionate about.

And this motherfucker is passionate about guns. He's got a ton of guns. He does competitions. He goes and does those room clearing competitions where targets pop up and you shoot out a pink pink you know they they do all these you know scoring events so he he loves that shit so he'll he'll talk to me and you know if he'll get as geeky as i let him you know like if i go well keep going what does that mean he'll just keep going he knows everything there is about

loads and balances and impact and who makes the fucking most precise rifles and it's like anything else they do it about steroids they do it about guns someone do it about boats they'll start telling you about the fucking best kind of of of a hand-carved wooden canoe you could buy they have to buy it from a very specific type of wood it has to be cured in a certain way there's two two manufacturers that still do it by hand. You know, there's guys that are, it's that way with everything. There's always some people that are completely fucking obsessed with whatever the subject is. If it's steroids, if it's MMA, how many fucking guys have you ever talked to that are like complete, total MMA history buffs? Like Joe Silva? Let me tell you something. I know a lot about MMA.

I know a lot of fights. I got a lot of fights in my memory. He's probably got double the amount of fights in his memory. This motherfucker will tell me, like, if he and I would be talking, there's a new guy that's brought into the UFC, and I'll say, what's his deal? What does he do? Joe Silva has seen this guy fight 20 times already, probably.

And he'll just rattle off what his strengths and weaknesses are, what he's susceptible to, what i would do if i was fighting him and nine times out of ten he's on the money he's on the money i mean that guy is obsessed with mma obsessed when i lived in boulder i had a problem my ex-wife and one of the first people i ever met in boulder at a weed place. I was living on the hill. The hill is where the University of Colorado is. I was living a block away.

Not even. 10, 12, 14th Street. And next to me was the weed chase. She was 80 and her boyfriend was 20. They were deadheads. His father. She was really 80? She had to be 50 something.

One of the ugliest women you've ever seen in your fucking life. This kid was like 20. They were both deadheads. They both smelled like death. His father invented like the belly button ring or something. He was a millionaire. He got money every month. I found out they sold weed.

I used to go over there and buy weed. And every time I was over there, there was this lanky, skinny dude named Ed. And I used to talk to Ed. and Ed and me hit it off. He was from Boston. Me and Ed hit it off. And I didn't know what Ed did, and every day I'd see Ed on the hill, and I'd talk to Ed. This is 1985, brother. Right.

And I loved Ed. And finally, I let Ed know what I did. You know, I used to do credit cards then, and Ed told me, you know, we became friends. And Ed was a Vietnam vet, but he was a lerp. He's the one that went and cleaned up. After you fucked up, he went and cleaned up. And there was another lerp. There was a couple. What's a lerp?

What is this term, lerp? Something that's bad. Like, these guys are bad. Like, danger bad. A cleaner. Like, a cleaner. Bad. Like, just bad news.

The guy you call when this shit completely hits the fan. Yeah, like, with the cards and shit. They're the ones that left the cards in Vietnam. When they shot you, they left the ace of spades or some shit. So he had a buddy who his name was like, he had like a weird name, and that guy thought he was the devil. And I had heard this from other people. They all bought weed at this house.

And I became friends with him. Over the years, I became friends with Ed. And I knew Ed was a stone-cold killer when I went to the vet thing with him. I gave him a ride to the vet thing. And on the walls there, bro, there were pictures of him with kids and purple stars and medals. And I'm like, Ed, are you fucking serious? So I thought Ed was a good-hearted American. You know, bro, Ed was a great guy.

He was my brother. And if he's listening, I haven't talked to him in 20 years. I love him and I miss him. But Ed was a stone-. He was my brother. And if he's listening, I haven't talked to him in 20 years. I love him and I miss him. But Ed was a stone cold killer. I made the mistake of telling Ed I had a problem with somebody. And every time I'd see Ed, we'd smoke a joint and the third

puff he'd go, so when are we going to kill that guy? And he wasn't kidding. So the guy that thought he was the devil was Ra. That's what he used to call himself. Ra was dying from Agent Orange. And I guess him and Ra were

doing fucking bangs on the side, like hitting people. I didn't know this in my whole knowledge with him. But every time I'd see Eddie go, what's up, dog? And he'd hug me. And I loved him. He was my brother. But I knew he was serious. He's like, when are we taking out that dude? And every time I'd see him, his plan changed. Like, he had been thinking about this. And finally he's like, when are we taking out that dude? And every time I'd see him, his plan changed.

Like, he had been thinking about this. And finally, he's like, listen, I got the cones. We're going to let him pull out of baseline. These motherfuckers want to pull them out of the car in baseline in Boulder. Like, we're going to set cones up. Like, we're firemen. And when he comes by at 918, we're going to pull him out of the car. And their whole plan was like, I was like, what are you going to shoot him with?

He goes, bro, we don't shoot people. I told you this. He goes, we don't shoot people. We take him up into those hills. We tie those motherfuckers up. And we just wrap him with peanut butter. And we come back three days later. And it's Gisa.

All they find is like a little elbow on the floor. Oh, Jesus Christ. He goes, the bears. I mean, these guys are fucking serious. The bears just eat him? Every time I'd see him after that. Dog, what's that dude's name? That's fucking scary.

You don't want to do this, Joey? Joey, let me take care of him. Just for you. You're my friend. I love you. I mean, that's how it got. This is, like, I've been around some crazy people, and that's why I respect Colorado so much to this day. There's some fucking animals walking around those weeds, bro, up in Boulder.

And I love that. I mean, bro, if I introduced you to Ed and you met Ed, Ed would drop shit on you. Then you'd go, dog, your friend's a fucking genius. What the fuck's he talking about? Never talked about weapons. You know, he never told you he was a Vietnam vet. It took him a month and a half to tell me how to drive him to the fucking vet place to get medication. Wow.

The real deal. Yeah, there's some crazy people out there. That's why I always get mad. Who the fuck comes up to you and goes, Joe, what's this guy's number? Let me go down there and smack the shit out of Pauly Shore. You know what I'm saying? There's people that will do that shit. They're just waiting for the time.

Please don't. No, don't. Please don't. I just said Pauly Shore. I don't know why. You shouldn't say Pauly. I got no problem with Pauly Shore. I got no problem with Pauly.

But it's fucking crazy. Because there's people out there with their fucking phone on speed dial ready to hit that Comedy Store number. The funny thing is

I had a friend who was the same way about steroids and he's dead too. And I hung out with him and his little steroid crew and it was fucking

amazing the lingo. The lingo they threw around was the way you and I discussed sets. Going to Boston for the weekend doing two two shows, how great it was. These motherfuckers are like, nah, dog.

I get up in the morning, I do a protein shake, and then I blast off a little decker. Then when I come out, I take 10 tablets of D-ball. Those tablets were 5 milligrams. People would go do one. These guys are doing 10. We had Gene LaBelle on the podcast, You know, Judo Gene LaBelle. Yeah, I was just reading the books. Famous. Yeah.

Famous for not just his martial arts but his stunt work. Did a lot of stunt work. And he was telling us there was a guy that he used to be friends with that died from steroids. He used to shoot up every 30 minutes. He said every 30 minutes he would disappear, go into his bathroom, hit himself with something else. He was just doing different shit all day.

More than 300 pounds. What was his name? Jeep Swinson? Do you remember, Brian? Jeep Swinson? He had bodies for arms. There was like a body. That was his arm.

That was the weirdest thing when I hung out with him. And I miss him. But I remember how he used to tell me the last shot I do is Fridays after the workout. I go down the show. I do some blow. I drink some workout. I go down the show. I do some blow. I drink some beers. I eat some Burger King. When I come back Sunday, I look in the mirror.

Ba-boom. I'm bigger than what I left. Back it up. That's the guy. Jesus Christ. That's not even a person anymore. Where's the fucking barbarian? The best of the people who deny doing steroids.

You have a friend that came up to me to shoot. And he said to me, how you doing? Joe Rogan, I will tell you about me. The guy is ginormous, a black dude. Box app? I don't know what his name is.

The guy from the Pride? No, no, no. He's not a fighter. Oh, okay. He's just an actor. Okay. He goes, I'm a friend of Joe Rogan's

and he'll tell you about me. I go, no. He goes, I was on Fear Factor, the big black bodybuilder. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very, very nice guy. Yo. Him and his buddy were both bodybuilder. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yolk, Yolk. Very, very nice guy. Yolk.

Him and his buddy were both bodybuilders, and they were competing, and they got their ass kicked. I did some movie with him. That's not a good body, yeah. I did some movie with him, and the people were like, so do you do steroids? He's like, I've never done steroids in my life. That's hilarious. He was like the Barbarian Brothers. Again, we go back to the Barbarian Brothers.

Please, we're the Barbarian Brothers. I want to smack the shit out of both of them. They used to say that they never did steroids. They just ate 36 eggs a day. Well, it depends on what kind of steroids you shoot into your eggs. I mean, I guess it's theoretically plausible. 36 eggs a day. What do your chickens look like?

Your chickens are fucking terror birds running around your backyard. Well, you know, see, okay. Oh, they're still around. Those guys, like if I'm looking at that picture, I could believe that either one of those guys didn't take steroids. If you had a good genetic disposition, if you have good mesomorphic genes and you really power lift hard, you can get that big. My friend Brian Frazier, I always tell this story because Brian, who's a comic and writer, wrote for a bunch of different shows. Ryan, who is a comic and writer, wrote for a bunch of different shows. But he was, at one point in time, a serious bodybuilder.

And he never did a steroid in his life, 100%. I know for a fact that all he did was eat good food. He actually would pride himself on the fact that he wouldn't take supplements. He would get all his food from vegetables and meat and stuff like that. But he was fucking huge. And he was 100% natural. He was just obsessed. That motherfucker was at the gym every day. And he was like, one time he went on stage.

And after the show, I go, dude, you can't wear short sleeves. You got to stop doing that. He goes, why? I go, you're too big. I go, it's too distracting. I go, you freak me out. And we're friends. I go, you're fucking huge, dude. You can't just, I mean his his arms like everything that he would wear would be like tight to his arms like that because

his arms were literally double the size of my arms they were he was a huge guy and it was all natural i'll tell you what and i'm here to tell you huh do you so you think this uh right here is i mean that looks no that looks super steroid yeah that's 1982 steroid. Yeah, that looks pretty roided up. That's 1982. I want to see him today. But Brian was close to that size. No bullshit. But the discipline that Brian Frazier has is like he's a crazy person. He's got like a radical amount of discipline. When I got locked up, I'll argue this point.

A lot of guys are doing eight, seven, six years. you this point. A lot of guys are doing eight, seven, six years. I was the stock clerk in the kitchen after I almost blew it up for making the fucking cinnamon donuts, the cinnamon things. I made them too big and they fired me. And part of my gig

was hiding steroids for a lot of the Invics. A lot of the Invics would get steroids. Invics is one of my favorite words that you use. Yeah. The Invics would fucking get you know, and they would get a, nothing, I'm sorry, nothing with syringes. It was Anivar and there was another one. Winstroll, Winnie V. Winstroll V pills, three milligrams, a milligram and a half.

That was big in there. And what these savages would do, you know, I knew who was doing steroids, but there were some black guys that had been locked up for 10 years. And had families. I couldn't afford fucking steroids. And they would, uh, they would, uh, these guys were yoked, Joe. And they were getting yoked. And when I say yoked, you know, low fat, low, low, not a lot of fat, a little ripped to

them. Right. And they were doing this with prison food. Terrible, no protein. I don't fucking know what happened to people. Well, you can buy protein powder. Right. You can order protein powder in their zone.

Vegetables. Yeah, you get broccoli and lettuce. It's Burger King lettuce. It's the same shit they give you at Burger King, that fucking cheeseburger. You know, it's Nicaraguan shit. Nicaraguan shit. Yeah, it's not good lettuce that when you bite into it, it's fresh. But these guys would get yoked in there on protein powder, like Joe Weider protein powder.

Look at that guy. This is them now, Joe. They're still huge. Oh my God, that guy's huge. Yeah, no steroids in my ass. Yeah, there's no question. But I'm telling you, my friend Brian was pretty close to that size. We did a gig together in, I want to say Vermont. Vermont and New Hampshire, one of those. And he had a bit of a cold. Like, his voice was really raspy. And after the show, he had a great set. But after the show, he apologized to the club owner.

He was just real conscientious about shit like that. He goes, I'm really sorry. My voice has been bothering me all week. And the guy was like, don't worry about it. Listen, you killed. It was a great show. And he goes, I just feel like it wasn't my best performance. I just want to apologize.

And the guy was like, hey, will you stop being a Jew about it? He didn't know that my friend was Jewish. Because Brian doesn't look Jewish. He's blonde he looks like a like a midwest football guy he looks like you know he's got blonde curly hair he's his big fucking thick neck gorilla and the guy calls him a jew he says like does he stop being a jew about it he just thought that he was being cute he's trying to be funny he goes i am fucking jewish and you know his face gets red and fuck you you fucking racist piece of shit you anti-semitic cocksucker like he just like totally takes it like to like level 10 and the guy was like hey calm down it was just a just an expression of speech like he's leaning

over this guy's death the only thing that's saving him is the fact there's a desk between them you know otherwise brian would have probably got directly in his face and the guy might have swung out of just sheer panic or who knows what the fuck could happen and while i'm watching this i'm like what am i gonna do like he's way stronger than me i can't i can't grab him i'm not gonna hit him he's my friend like i don't know what to do because like he was like he was a gorilla and i'm like i can't keep him off this guy if he decides to get on this guy i don't know what to do here and he just calmed down at the last minute was like fuck you takes his check and fucking storms out of there and i tell the guy well i don't think you're gonna say that again sorry the guy just looked at you the guy didn't know what to do he was shitting his pants he was

an older guy too you know he was he was he he was legitimately terrified brian was an enormous i mean wasn't gonna hurt the guy. I'd never known him to do anything violent ever. But God damn it, he scared the fucking shit out of this dude. You just never expected he was Jewish. He didn't look Jewish at all. You know, you think of Jewish, you think of dark-haired people. Where is he?

I don't know where he's doing. He was out here for a while. I ran into him once at a movie theater a few years back. He was doing stand-up? No, I think he was just writing at the time. Funny dude, though. Did you get to see Anchorman 2 yet, Joe? No, I bought a joke years back. He was doing stand-up? No, I think he was just writing at the time. Funny dude, though. Did you get to see Anchorman 2 yet, Joe? No, I bought a joke from him.

He's the only... There's two dudes I ever bought a joke from, and he's one that... I never used it, but I've talked about it on the podcast. It was a heckler line that he created. And he goes, this is my impression of God creating you. Okay, just a dash of cunt. Oh no, the cap came off. Too much cunt.

I've ruined it. And he needed money at the time, and he says, like, I'll never say it on stage, so he sold it to me. I think it was 500 bucks. Whoa. It's worth it. That's a lot of money.

Hey, the dude needed some money. I thought it was a great line. It's worth 500 bucks. It's a great line for me. I never even never used it on stage. Maybe I used it once. I can't remember. I line. It's worth $500. It's a great line for me. I never even used it. Maybe I used it once. I can't remember. I'm going to go pee real quick. But it's one of the few things I've ever paid for.

There's a werewolf in the new Anchorman. I just wanted to let you know. Well, now I'm in. I was going to be in anyway. It looks hilarious. The fucking abs look awesome. It looks like the perfect get baked and see a silly movie movie. Definitely get really, really baked. Did you see it already? Yeah, you have to get really baked though. It's super ridiculous. And if looks like the perfect get baked and see a silly movie movie. Definitely get really, really baked. Did you see it already? Yeah, you have to get really baked though. It's

super ridiculous. And if you like the first one, you'll love this one. But there were so many good cameos in it. And when I saw that werewolf transformation, I'm just like, oh, Joe's in. You should have fucking, you just ruined it for everybody, man. Spoiler alert, you son of a bitch. Anything Will Ferrell does, I'm in.

That guy kills me, man. Talladega Nights is still one of my all-time favorite comedies. Just the sheer ridiculousness of it all. It's like, I love that kind of comedy. Like a guy who's like a complete, total buffoon, who's like a good-hearted guy who fucks everything up. Last night I got to see David Arquette do stand-up comedy. He came into the comedy store and just like bought,

he's like, everyone's bill is on me me like he paid for everyone's drinks last night like a lot of fucking people there too that's interesting why did he do that I don't know he's just holidays I think I think he comes in once in a while but then he went on stage and did like a little little set and it was interesting but you know I didn't see the whole thing but it's hard to do stand-up after you're already famous yeah you know I mean it's the whole thing but it's hard to do stand-up after you're already famous yeah you know I mean it's especially when you're known for doing comedy movies and you know and then you try to create your own stuff and go on stage with it in that form and it's so it's also so raw what you gotta think of a guy like that is so insulated from regular people in like

a performance setting everything he performs gets put out there on television or in the movies, and he's not there when the people are seeing it. Who's this? David Arquette. Guy being an actor. Comedy actor. But I'm saying the transition between that and doing stand-up in front of a live audience in a small place like the Comedy Store, that's a big goddamn transition.

That's hard to do. It's really interesting seeing how many actors and musicians will just try stand-up comedy. Transition that's hard to do. There's a lot of it's really interesting seeing how many like Actors and musicians will just try stand-up comedy. They're just coming to the Comedy Store one day next thing You know John Mayer's on stage. Well, you know what man they can do it It's not like we could do open mics for music You imagine we showed up at open mics music and just started singing fucking terrible songs. We are the world We are the world like we are the world like Bruce Springsteen. We are the world. We are the world. We are the world like Bruce Springsteen. We are the children.

Be all serious about it. I think if you do one of those open mic nights, you probably have to do your own music, right? You have to be original. I don't know. I would imagine. It would be ridiculous. Unless it's a really old song, and then you're doing a badass cover of it

where you wiggle it around a little bit, change it, do a little Dwight Yoakam doing Elvis, that kind of i guess you'd get away with that i always thought it was really cool when johnny cash did hurt by nine inch nails because that sounds like one he picked a nine-inch nail song but two he made it his own dude it seems like it seems like it's his song rusty cage by soundgarden too he did a couple a couple songs like that. Yeah, yeah. And Hurt, dude, is one of my favorite Johnny Cash songs ever. Just because he was so fucking old when he did that video. That song and that video were done when he knew he was on his last days. That guy lived hard.

That was the real crazy road life, the rock and roll life. Those country stars. That's what that means. Shit. Dude, those country stars back in the day, like him and Merle Haggard and all those motherfuckers, those guys went hard, dude. That's a whole different kind of partying. And that movie, that was a good goddamn movie.

It was just on the other day and I watched it for a little while. Walk the Line? Yeah, the whole time I just watched it. As far as movies about iconic figures, musical figures, it's one of the best. It's one of the best. I like that. She was great. Joaquin Phoenix, she's fantastic.

She's good in that movie. She's fantastic. And Joaquin Phoenix is a bad motherfucker. It's a great fucking movie, man. Johnny Cash. It's my dog's name, Johnny Cash. I've always been a huge Johnny Cash song. Just because he was so legitimate.

You know? Like, he was so legit. His songs were, they just seemed right. You know? You know what I'm saying? Like, there was, like, Folsom Prison Blues. It's one of my favorite songs of all time. You know?

Just the idea that this guy's sitting in a prison looking at these guys come by in a train. They're probably drinking coffee and smoking big cigars. Fuck, he was awesome. What is this right here? Redemption by Johnny Cash. Sin and redemption, and thank God for redemption, or I wouldn't be here. Which is the title of the last song I wrote for the album. He's also one of the Highwaymen,

which is one of the great unheralded songs of our generation. Have you ever heard that song, I Was a Highwayman? God damn, that's a fucking song. It's Willie Nelson, Merle Haggard, Johnny Cash, all together. And I think someone else, too. Who the fuck else was in there? Kelly Kirsten. Kelly Kirsten!

She's going to think we don't love her. Better let her know you love her. I haven't seen her. You know you love her. I love Kelly Kirsten. I love Kelly Kirsten. Kelly Kirsten. You forgot about that, didn't you, Brian?

That blew me off, too. It just came to me, Kelly Kirsten. Who else? Kelly Kirsten. Yeah, I'm trying to find. Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, and Chris Christopherson. That's who it was. That was a tour that otherwise it tapped out on.

Wow. Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, and Chris Christopherson. Holy shit. Chris Christopherson is a bad motherfucker. Fuck yeah, he is. All the way up to those Blade movies He was a bad motherfucker His old dudes got bored And they decided to tour together

You know what he was good in bro? Payback Play a little of that Wasn't he in Payback With James Colburn and M.L. Gibson? Was he? Yes Really?

He's the gangster in Payback Well he's a good actor On top of being a great musician Yeah I'm not being facetious About those Blade movies either gangster and payback. Well, he's a good actor on top of being a great musician. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm not being facetious about those Blade movies either. I love those movies, man, especially the first one. I love the first one.

First one was great. I love the first one. First one was great. First one, I love the music. It's one of Stephen Dorff's best movies. Yes. No, it's not great. One of his best performances. It's the bad guy.

You know who else is good in that? Donald Logue. Everybody's good in that. It's a fucking great goddamn movie. As far as, like, vampire comic book movies go, that was a great one. I liked it. You know, as they progressed into two and three, they kind of got funky. I didn't even like two of them.

I liked the first one. But I was a huge fan of that comic book when I was a kid. Blade was awesome. He had teak knives. He had knives that were made out of wood. Teak is like a really hard wood and that's how he'd kill all these vampires. Yeah, with all these teak blades.

It's amazing that when things go bad for an actor, they always, it pisses me off that they get into comedy. And it pisses me off that they try it like if it's just another day at the fucking office. And if they only knew that it's not another day at the office.

A lot of them try it for a while and they make it on charisma and stage presence. Dance moves, as Tom Segura would say. And it's a 30-minute thing. To be up there an hour really needs the perfection and the whole thing. It's just something that it doesn't eat away at Mike Crowe. It just surprises me in the whole thing. It's just something that doesn't eat away at my crow. It just surprises me that somebody could think. It's like I could say, you know what?

Instead of going to the ShutterCon white belt class, I'm just going to go to the black belt class. I'm just going to walk in there because I could throw a good sidekick. That's what you're making me feel like. You're not respecting the people around you. I don't think they have any idea what it is until they start doing it. No, they don't. They don't. But I don't think any of us did either. I don't they have any idea what it is until they start doing it. They don't. They don't. They don't.

But I don't think any of us did either. I don't think we really knew what it was until we started doing it. Yeah, but we stuck with it. That's the difference. Well, they could too, right? I mean, it's hard to make a big generalization. They could. There's guys who have started out as actors, got into comedy, and actually fell in love with comedy and liked it better than acting.

Steve, you ever have a leak in your thing? You always call the plumber. You don't try to do it yourself. You may have a love for plumbing, but you're not going to fucking do it yourself, are you? And that's why I don't take offense. It's just something that really, bitch, really you're just going to walk into the dance and think you're going to take over this motherfucker like GSP? Well, you love comedy, and you're also very competitive in a lot of ways. Your idea about comedy is very competitive competitive and the comedy is uh that's

that's the the highest heights and these people that want to slide over as actors and think they're going to disrespect it yeah no no i would never ever disrespect somebody like that i can't imagine like oh that looks easy to do i know some it's just talking that's the problem it's really weird that now more than ever i get emails from people that, yeah, you know, Death Squad's inspiring them to do stand-up and they get on stage. And that's great. But then there's that second journey. There's that second push that it really comes from you that a lot of people just don't get. It's just.

Well, it's a long-term proposition. There's no way around it. You can't pretend. You know, you can't do it for a couple years and come up with a few minutes and think you're a fucking national headliner Because you're not it's a long-term proposition and a lot of it is based on You're you're gonna have a bunch of different kinds of crowds a bunch of different kinds of scenarios And you're gonna have to find your voice by navigating all those different waters, and it's tricky, and it's not easy It's gonna take a long time you're gonna restructure your act

You're gonna have shows where bits kill and then another show where bit turns the whole audience off and you can't figure out what the fuck went wrong you got to figure it out it's not about having a couple of good shows it's about massive consistency over hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of shows and figuring out where your voice is that ain't easy no matter what you're doing if you were doing fucking slam poetry contests, if you were writing books, if you were singing songs, like finding your particular voice. It's fucking hard, man, to be genuine, to be completely unique and genuine and completely original to your own thoughts. Very hard. Very fucking hard.

It just seems easy because you go on stage and you're like, what's up, bitches? What are you doing there? You know and you start talking shit and people are laughing you're like, yeah, I can talk shit, too But they don't realize how much work it took to get you to where you could just figure out What are the right words to say? What's the right mindset to be in when you're on stage? What are the right combination? What's the right way to settle into bits? What's the right way to lead them into a story? What's the right, what keeps them activated? What backs them down? What picks them up? It's like, there's a little dance you're doing when you're up there. Like I watch it. I know what you're doing. I see it. And I've known you forever. I knew you back

when you were having a real hard time with standup, which to me is fascinating because you're the only guy that I've ever met that was having like a really hard time with stand-up and then out of nowhere like you hit a switch you went from having a hard time with stand-up to being a fucking murderer we would it was almost like like you fucking pass through a doorway or something like within two years of you working at the store you just figured it, you just figured it out. You just figured it out one night. And we were up on stage, and we were in the back, rather,

and you were up on stage. We were watching you. We were like, damn, Joey Diaz just turned a fucking corner. You just figured out how to be funny. You figured out who you were up there. It's really weird when you get into anything. There's always that, Jesus, I'm not improving. I'm coming here. I'm coming here,

I'm showing up, and this just isn't working. And then one day out of the fucking blue, it just starts working. And it's really weird with stand-up, you don't want to go to sleep. You want to go home and keep writing. And writing. I became infatuated from

95 to like 98, but I had so many other things going on. You know what I'm saying? I had so many fucking things going on that I couldn't really focus. And then I moved to L.A. And I had all these distractions. You have all these stupid distractions when you first move to L.A. and you're a comic.

Agencies, this, that, this, that. And then one day, something hits you and it goes, these motherfuckers don't matter. Nothing really matters. I got to go up there and speak what's in my heart. And you just start going. And little by little, once you find your voice, you become a savage.

That's it. It's like a shark tasting blood. It's like anything else where you get that taste and you just go after it. And, you know, the comedy store is the fucking comedy store, man. Once you get in the comedy store, to me, that's like, you know, John Jock. That's the comedy store. It's John Jock Machado.

It's those upper high level. That's it. It's a high level place. Especially in the 2000s when we were down there there was there was some intense comedy

that was going on there Duncan and Ari coming up there and you coming up there it was a really intense time and you you go on stage and you get this weird confidence

and it's this fucking thing you just get stronger and stronger and the more people you go up in front of because then in the beginning they make you go up in front of, because then in the beginning, they make you

go up in front of people. You know, going up in front of Mitzi Shore is nerve wracking. And going on after, they put you on after a lot of guys that were really funny. Yeah. And you're going up in front of Mitzi Shore. You have no idea what that does to you at the six year mark going up. I cannot describe it. I've thought about it and I've written about that experience thousands of times, and nothing was more...

Like, I blacked out. I had a blackout to go in front of Mitzi Shaw because I knew it was it for a guy like me. If Mitzi Shaw turned me down, you know what? I was going to go back to Bowling, probably stab one of those motherfuckers with Al, come out, I just wouldn't get out now. I would have been institutionalized.

There's no turning back from that. It would have crushed my ego. Her taking me gave me another five-year reprieve in my life. I knew I got something to do for five more years before I go to jail for killing somebody. That's how I felt. Did you really feel like you were going to do that? Because when I met you, I never got that from you. Yeah, yeah.

I didn't get that from you. Part of the jump in my comedy was the day I wrote her the letter. And I said, you can't scam me no more. You want to take the kid, take the fucking kid. What am I going to fucking do? Wrote your wife? Is that what you're talking about? I called her up one day and told her basically.

I told her that at the end of the day, and I was being this, you know, some people really can't handle the truth, and sometimes you have to tell them, and I had to talk to her and then talk to her again in 99. When I took that change, it was around 2000. You met me in 97. It took me about three years, but one day in 99, before I went to bed, I was clean for a couple days, maybe three days, and I went to bed early, and I had my wits to me and I said I'm not gonna fuck with this no more it was one of these things that I was going into the lion's mouth I had a walk on a fine line with her because I wanted to be a part of that kid's life but it wasn't looking that way

and I wasn't gonna take her shit no more one morning I got up nice and early I went I got a calling card and I called that motherfucker and I just laid it out to her and I told a calling card, and I called that motherfucker. And I just laid it out to her. And I told her, the opening line was, I'll never forget this, that, listen, between you and I, and she knew me, I said, you know if you were on fire, I would not piss on you. The only contact I'm having with you is because of this child. Right. So I'll pay for a separate phone in her room, and I don't have to talk to you no more.

Right. Because what was killing me at that time was she wanted to take and change the child's name. Right. And my position was when my father died, my mom remarried, my poor dad that died, I had to keep his fucking name. That was just something in my heart.

So I always felt that that's, let her become 18, let her decide what the fuck she wants to do. Right. That was eaten away. I mean, one day it had no value. A name didn't have a value to me and this whole situation didn't have a value to me.

Once I analyzed it and said, fuck this bitch and what she stands for, I turned that corner because I dropped luggage off. There's nothing. Sometimes in comedy, sometimes in life, you're just carrying around some luggage, man, that doesn't let you move. Yeah.

The box is five feet, but the door is only three. Sorry, motherfucker, and you got to drop that shit. Yeah. The box is five feet, but the door is only three. Sorry, motherfucker. And you got to drop that shit. And until you drop that fucking box, you ain't going to go through that door. Too many people get locked into those relationships, whether friendships, former ex-wife and husband, whatever you want to call that relationship, exes. But they're like two deer with their fucking horns locked together, and can't separate and they fucking every day is a push pull they fuck with each other on purpose you know i've known people that went through horrible divorces where you know you could tell that like they would they would like be setting up each other like you know fuck

him make him pay more you know uh let's let's agree to one thing and then change the terms just keep keep the bills coming in. And, like, I've heard people talk like that. It's a horror show. It's crazy. It's scary. And this was the bad end of it, Joe. Already I had the job in Boulder that paid the most for an uneducated schmuck like me.

I was working for a sports advisor. And you can make anywhere from $20,000 to $60,000 a football season in six months. You can make some cash. That's insane. There were some guys that make $100,000 to $60,000 a football season in six months. You can make some cash. That's insane. There were some guys that make $100,000. I had a month in December. I made $25,000 working the fucking phones. You just got to get some fish to bet and send you money.

Believe that you're going to take them through the fucking bowl season. Listen, bro, you want to make $50,000, it's going to cost you $20,000. Go to Western Union, send me $20,000, and we'll talk about sending you 50. So they're basically buying your knowledge on sports. They're buying your knowledge. But you're buying your bullshit. It's bad karma also. Really?

But this is what I was doing. So I knew this. I knew this. All right, I come to L.A. Mitzi Shaw don't pass me. Maybe the improv passes me. But my dream was Mitzi Shaw. Who the fuck are you kidding?

My whole thing was the store. From day one, people told me to go to the fucking store. That's your house. That was my fate. If she turned me down, I would have probably gone back to Colorado. Probably gone to work over there. But you would have, you'd done sets in Seattle. You were doing comedy up there. Yeah, but I couldn't go back to go to Seattle. I would have

gone back to Colorado and tried to be a dad in one day, dog. I know me. One fucking day. The car breaks down. The snow went out. You get one of those bills, overdue me. One fucking day. The car breaks down. There's snowing out. You get one of those bills, overdue bill, and that's it.

You bump into this fucking mook and he gives you that attitude with his flip-flops on. I was going to run over this motherfucker and I was going to do 50 fucking years. Yeah. So, you know what?

As much as I, the comedy store has that much power in my life. In your life, it came along at the right time, right? It came along at the right time.

Do you think people create that? I mean, that's like the big hippie new age argument about life, is that you create these possibilities in life, that you're responsible for all these different events that are happening to you. They're not random events. These are events that are sort of created by your own intentions. Yes. Do you feel that sometimes?

Absolutely. One thing I learned was that until you take responsibility, you ain't going to move forward. There's motherfuckers that get off the stage, bro. The audience sucks, the sound. Yeah. I watched a guy eat the plate of shit in Vegas doing that. Bro, that was hysterical.

I fucking bombed. Yeah. And that's it. And everything else. And until you come through that, you was hysterical. I fucking bombed. Yeah. And that's it. And everything else. And until you come through that, you can't really. And that was big for me, that I believed that. Listen, I go to bed now. I go home.

I put my feet up. I watch the news. And I go to bed like nothing. You know, 20 years ago, I didn't go to bed like nothing. I had to shut my window a certain way and close my door a certain way. And I couldn't leave the light on at night because I owed money to a drug deal. I robbed somebody. I created all those scenarios. I didn't

make that kidnapping up. I went there with a gun. I knew what I was doing. But it's funny how quick the turnaround was between like 99, you know, like it all just sort of stopped. It all stopped then. Luggage. And it kept stopping. You know, it kept stopping.

Kept getting better. So what you're telling me is that I never did blow again after 2006. That's what you're trying to tell me. Who? Me.

That's what you're trying to tell me. Why would I say that? No, I'm just saying. I'm just saying. What do you think, I'm crazy? That's the weirdest way

to phrase that sentence ever. I'm just saying that. So you're telling me I haven't done blows since 2006. So one day I went home. Where'd you get this? So one day I went home.

You're like arguing with a chick. So one day I went home and just stopped doing blows. That's what you're trying to tell haven't done blows since 2006? So one day I went home. Where'd you get this? So one day I went home. You're like arguing with a chick. So one day I went home and just stopped doing blows. That's what you're trying to tell me. Never do it again. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying about being a criminal. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm busting your balls.

I can't believe what I'm fucking telling you. That's 2006. One day I went home. Brian, one day I went home and just stopped doing cocaine. No rehab. no hug. I didn't call nobody. I didn't pierce my ear. I didn't give my life to Allah. There was no Obagain.

There was none of that shit. Obagain, whatever the fuck that shit is. There was nothing. Whatever the fuck Obagain, whatever the fuck that shit is. So my point is that what happened was I kept dropping the pain that I had. And that luggage that I had, I forced it out. I just didn't fucking stop doing drugs.

I overcame whatever was making me do those fucking drugs. Society wasn't making me do drugs. Obamacare. How funny is it? They found heroin in the Bronx with Obamacare envelope on it. Boston. Boston. I'm sorry.

Boston. Hysterical. It said Obamacare on it. It was on heroin. Obamacare on it. It was all heroin. Obamacare. People would just let that through. I created everything. We created everything.

In a lot of ways. And there's something. There's random things that happen as well, right? And there's some things. Bro, there's sometimes people wake up on the wrong side of fucking bed and they come at you and you got to stand your fucking ground and you got to say no, bitch. And people get their feelings hurt. Yes.

But no. I created a lot of the shit that happened in my life. There's no fucking way. You also have to stop silliness or it'll invade your life and ruin your quality of life. Absolutely. Like if you don't get upset at people sometimes, there's times where people are infringing on your happiness with their bullshit. Yeah, no, with their bullshit. No. And you're like, listen, man, you need to learn for your own good.

You need to learn that what you're doing is like socially unacceptable to learn your own for your own good you need to learn that what you're doing is like socially unacceptable you're you're passing it off on other people you're passing off this shitty reality that you're trying to promote something you can get locked in a person like that as we're saying before with like bad relationships and then all sudden like every day you're dealing with this person's nonsense distortions and lies and you can never trust like who was it your fault? No, it's never your fault, right? It's never your fault.

It's always somebody else's fault. And when you deal with people like that on a regular basis and you communicate with people like that, it makes it incredibly difficult for you to live your life. Because you're constantly, you're constantly, like, debating or dismissing bullshit. Like, is this bullshit? It might be bullshit. And then somewhere along the line, you realize, well, fuck this, man. I got to stop hanging out with this person. This person's an asshole.

You know? That person doesn't give a fuck about the truth. They don't give a fuck about me. They just, and I've had a few of those in my life. And you just cut them loose. And when you cut them loose, like, you're a way better person. You're, like, your life is free and easy. And you're like, oh.

It's not that I'm, like,'re a way better person. You're like, your life is free and easy. And I'm like, oh, it's not that I'm like constantly engaged in conflict. It's that if you surround yourself with the wrong kind of people, you will be constantly engaged in conflict, whether you want it or whether you have that intention or not. Like, it's not just about having the right intentions. You got to make the right choices as to who you put in your world. Because if you put a bunch of shitheads that don't care about evolving, they don't care about getting it together, and all they're trying to do is pass off their nonsense on you, you got a fucking shitty road. You got a shitty road

ahead of you. You know, I used to love guns. I wasn't a gun nut like your buddy, but I loved guns. I loved having them. I loved them. And the same thing. One day I was like, every time I carry a gun, there's a problem. Yeah, you put that out there almost, right? It's like a magnet for other guns.

And you're not the only one that says that. It's like a magnet. I'm telling you, when I carried a gun, I carried a gun for a very short time because I didn't like it. I didn't see the purpose for it. It's a nice thing to use to try to be a tough guy, but all it's going to do is get you in fucking trouble because you pull that motherfucker out, 20 motherfuckers are going to pull them on you, that real tough guys. And I knew that going in. I fucking knew it. I wanted to fire it at somebody. But I tell you what, man, it was amazing how

I used to go home at night and go, what the fuck just happened tonight? Why did I have to go from my reach for my gun tonight? Why were there six other people in the room at a coke party with guns? Because guns attract, they're like fucking magnets. And one day I got rid of all those guns, and it was like I lost 80 fucking pounds of drama. Wow. The same thing, 10 years ago,

this phone would be ringing with people that were asking me questions about, you know, how do you get road work? You know, why don't you take me on the fucking road? You know, you get all these fucking people calling you with these questions, and at the same time, they have no concern for you. They really don't. They're just trying to pull you down, especially in this fucking town. If you let people pull you down, I don't know what you're doing.

It's not happening for me. What do you want me to do? You got to write and get on in this fucking town. If you let people pull you down, I don't know what you're doing. It's not happening for me. What do you want me to do? You got to write and get on stage every fucking night. What'd you do last week? Oh, I went to my sister's wedding. Well, go fuck your mother then. Go to the fucking wedding. You were one of the best guys at picking that out, too. It burns me up. It burns my fucking core that people

come up to you and put their lack of... The other night I saw somebody that I started comedy with at the store 13 years ago. I was going to screen some stupid movie that my buddy was in. My wife was sleeping. I said, let me go down there. And as I was walking around the corner, I heard Joey. And I went up and I go, I didn't even know who it was.

And he was telling me what he was doing in front of there, how he was working. You hear about this? What? And he was telling me, you know, what he was doing there and what he was working. And I drove back to fucking Studio City with, like, tears in my eyes because he had every opportunity that I had. He was a good-looking dude when he moved to this fucking town. But to him, he used to go to the store and drink and everything was ha ha hee hee.

And now I'm supposed to feel guilty on the fucking 101 because this fucking schmucks got a job working till fucking 2 in the morning parking cars or something. You know, I mean, we all had the same opportunities here. Well, there's people that feel like those people in your life to teach you that lesson. is here. Well, there's people that feel like those people in your life to teach you that lesson. To see people fail and have regrets and see people not give 100% or not give it all their focus or give it all their honesty. Give it who the fuck

you really are. We see those people and that regret is almost there to let us know. Don't ever let that happen to you. As I was getting in my car, he made a comment. And he was one of those guys that always had to have that one comment at the store. And he made like a fucking comment. What did was one of those guys that always had to have that one comment at the store. And he made like a fucking comment, like just something about something. It must have been nice doing blow all those years. Like something just, you know what I'm saying?

Like he's one of those guys that he's got to put you down. Right. He had a, and I just got in the car and I said, you know, this is why that guy's parking cars. Yeah. And you know, I'm on the fucking road working and at least trying to make things happen. This is why this guy's parking fucking cars. There was a guy that, I won't mention his name, but you'd warned me about him a long time ago. Long before it ever went real bad for him. And then one time I was back in the East Coast and the guy hadn't done comedy in fucking a couple of years. And he's like trying to get a hold of me to open up for me.

Like, what are you just going to get back on stage after a couple of years and open up at the big show? Like, really? That's what you're going to do? Are you out of your fucking mind? Like, what kind of weird request is that? You haven't done comedy in two years. You want to go up in front of a sold out club. Like, that's ridiculous.

Like, why would you think that you could just do that? But that's what they, there's a lot of guys that didn't make it in comedy that felt like they didn't make it because nobody helped them and i've heard that so many times i've heard that stupid argument like i wasn't in with the right group or if you're not in with the right group it's very hard to get road work like what are you talking about what do you all you have to do is be funny if you're funny people find you it's it's one of the easiest businesses of all time you get proven on stage for sure. Easiest to understand. This is how easy it works. You go on stage.

You get the people to laugh. People notice. Then they start offering you work. It's that simple. When you prove that you have a certain amount of time and you prove that you can consistently perform really well, people want to give you some work. They give you a little here. They give you a little there. You make some connections.

You start networking. The next thing you know, you start moving in your your area a little bit getting a few gigs here and there and it takes fucking years and you got to keep doing it if you don't keep doing it then you really didn't want to do it but if you do keep doing it you get to a point where you're joey diaz and if you're one of those guys that didn't really want to do it and one day you see joey diaz and you say it must been good fuck do coke all those years you're there you're a living lesson. Like that guy's like a little stop on your journey. Oh, it broke my fucking heart. It's a book. It broke my heart on the drive home. I was like, wow.

Him and I had the same opportunities. We both walked into that store. He used to get spots. He was good. He was... Decent. Yeah, yeah. Showed potential. Whatever. Nine o'clock spots, couple belly room spots, and now you're out here at fucking 11 o'clock at night, and you're like, yeah. Showed potential, whatever. Nine o'clock spots, couple belly room spots, and now you're out here at fucking 11 o'clock at night

and you're like, wow. That's with everything, Joey. That's with music, that's with writing, that's with anything where it's up to you to create what you put out there. A lot of people

fucking fall short, man. What's Bill Hicks' friend? Not the guy from Portland, Oregon that he was started in Houston with and they both moved. Portland. I don't know who you're talking about. Comic?

Yeah, he was in Portland. He's from Houston, Texas also. The guy with all the tattoos all over him? I don't know. They did comedy at some place in Houston. Not Jimmy Pineapple. No, no, no, no, no. Jimmy Pineapple was a funny guy.

Not Tennyson. This kid's still alive. He's still alive? And he's still on the road. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy Pineapple's still in Houston. This guy is in Portland, Oregon. Didn't he have some health problems? I'm not sure.

I didn't hear anything. Dale, Dane. I think he's even managed by somebody in L.A. Because he was doing some gigs at the Improv. I saw he wrote something 25 years ago after Bill, after Bill Hicks died, about his relationship with Bill. How him and Bill moved to L.A. and he got married and Bill did The Tonight Show. I had a kid and Bill did HBO. I had another kid and Bill was on tour.

But we still remained friends. It was a beautiful one. He goes, I never had jealousy for him. All I wanted was the best because I knew that. He's the one that they used to do comedy at the pizza place with in Houston, Texas early on. Pizza place. They used to do comedy at a pizza place.

I know who you're talking about, but I don't know who you're talking about. Not Mack Lindsay, right? There was a... No. No. No. No. There was a bunch of those guys from that.

Why would you even say Mack Lindsay? Because I thought that... I mean, he used to hang out with that group. No. No. No. Mack Lindsay was so much younger than those guys. Yeah!

He was more than 15 years younger than those guys, easily. Maybe even 20. Dwight Slade? Dwight Slade! That's it, Dwight Slade. Dwight Slade. He used to also went up to Portland. Yeah, those guys, those comedy outlaws. What's fascinating about all those guys was how

much they were so obviously influenced by Kennison. Those guys got in a world. I mean, they were very talented guys. I worked with Jimmy Pineapple one of the first times they ever came to Houston at the last stop. Very funny guy. But they were all real good, real solid comics. But they were so obviously caught up in the wave of this one wild fucking maniac. obviously caught up in the the wave of this one wild fucking maniac even when i first saw hicks hicks had like all these kinnison mannerisms like he probably didn't realize it he was like

so used to being around kinnison and kinnison just being the man like in 86 86 kinnison was like for people today cannot explain they can't really understand what kind of an impact that guy had on the world of stand-up comedy. He threw the whole fucking board in the air. The whole thing was changed by one guy, this big fat guy screaming about pain. Nobody had ever done that before. It was a completely new thing. And their jokes were crisp and they were solid. And they had really good points about the kid in Africa, about being married, about going to hell.

Hell would be like club med. The devil goes, wow, you've been married? Oh, wow, this is a fucking old hat for you. Come on, I'll show you around. This is where we torture the souls. When he would talk about his life and his pain, he'd get fucking red in the face and scream, Ow, ow! There was nothing like that. Nothing like that at the time.

And so these guys, they're all these outlaws, the comedy outlaws. They all got swept up in the wake of this mad genius. This mad genius with a head injury. You know his story? His fucking book. His book is great. His brother wrote a book called My Brother Sam. My Brother Sam.

It's a great fucking book. If you're a stand-up comic, you owe it to yourself. I can't find it anymore. I'll get it with you. Okay, I can't find it. I'll get it for you on Amazon. See if we can find it on Amazon.

Is it still on Amazon? I'm sure. There's probably some used copies that are available. Okay. It's a great fucking book. I read that in Seattle in 95. One of the most important

parts of the story is how Kenny Sim was like a regular kid, normal, shy shy and regular kid gets hit By a fucking car he get hurt like really bad like bad head injury And then he comes out of that just a wild motherfucker Which is wild and reckless and confident and crazy like literally he got head Injured into being the greatest comic of all time Because he went from there right into...

He was doing all that evangelical preaching. And he took that energy and wrote it right into stand-up. And a lot of it came about. Most likely, if you listen to his brother, who knows better than anybody, their personality changed because of a head injury. That's fucking crazy. His brother was crazy after that, too. They were all crazy. His brother's fucking crazy. His brother was crazy after that, too. They were all crazy.

His brother's fucking crazy. Carla Bow was crazy. All those dudes were crazy. Carla Bow was still out there banging it, bro. Banging it. Hitting the clubs. Hitting the clubs. Still loves it, you know?

Look, even, you know, somebody tried to explain this to me once a long time ago about stand-up comedy, and he was like, look, man, even if you just earn enough to make a living you earn a living telling jokes jokes oh it's it's like everywhere you go you're making people laugh you're having a good time they're enjoying themselves and you feed yourself that way that's fantastic he goes if you can do that to the day you die do it because it's the best way to live and i was i remember like that totally makes sense. Even if you're just a guy who never really makes it but can kind of headline enough to bring a good crowd and half-filled clubs all across the country,

you're going to get by. You'll make a good living, especially now with CDs and T-shirts and hats and yo-yos. And you have the opportunity now. You have the opportunity online. Twitter and internet. Twitter, yeah. YouTube. Even a low-end. Twitter and internet. Twitter, yeah. YouTube.

Even a low-end comic could make, you know, so a guy that's not working the improv per se. Okay, let's say a guy that doesn't work the improv is in the funny bones. There's a thousand clubs. There's still a lot of clubs. A lot of clubs. Yeah.

A lot of clubs in Ohio, you know. We're so lucky. And then there's like the Austin room and all those, but then there's an underbelly to that. Yeah. You know, they're going to open up another room in Tempe. What?

Are you serious? So, listen to it. Yeah, in the spring. So that's... Who's going to open it? The people who own Rick Bronson's Comedy Club in Minneapolis are going to own East Orange. Wow. East Rutherford, that one, and Tempe.

So you have Stand Up Live, you have the Tempe Improv, you have Standford, that one, and Tempe. So you have stand-up live. You have the Tempe Improv. You have stand-up Scottsdale, and you have the other one in Scottsdale. That's four. Holy shit. You have a one-nighter, and you have this place coming in. So that's six rooms in the Arizona area. Well, it's always been like a very strong comedy town.

People there like to have fun, and there's not a lot of options. And the Tempe Improv is one of the best options in that area for the longest time so you've got like a whole community that's been sort of raised on really good comedy like that's always been an option if you live in Tempe that improv is a big stop for a lot of guys so like every week you know you're gonna get this guy who's a national headliner Brian Callan and Joey Diaz you're gonna get that kind of comedy almost every weekend. So they really built up a big audience that I bet they can't even satisfy.

You know what else they have in Tempe? An organization called Dick Suckers R Us. They got some dick sucking motherfuckers running around Tempe, dog. They'll suck your dick wet or dry, coked up or not. Just with a shot of aspirin, they will suck that pipe anywhere. There are some nasty cocksuckers down there. There's an organization. I got to piss.

Tell Brian about Dick. Take your time. Hurry up. It's amazing how down there is where the fucking women who love sucking cock, they're like one day, they go, fuck it. Let's move to Arizona and end this. Everybody in Arizona is hot out and they suck dick. Fuck it. And they really do.

It's really a weird place. I cannot believe it anymore. But what are you going to do? You know what I'm saying? What the fuck am I talking about? I have no idea. Does anybody fucking know? Your movie comes out this week.

This week. This week. And you got to actually go to New York and watch it. Yes. Did you enjoy it? Was it fun? Because this was your first time seeing it edited, I guess. I saw it two times last week.

Yeah? That you liked it that much? No, I saw it. I had no choice. You know what I'm saying? I had to go with my wife, and then I went one night in New York. Do you like singing? You also met the guy that plays Big Pussy on The Sopranos.

That's the first fucking time, Doug. Yeah, ever since I've known you, you get confused with this guy. And you usually don't even tell people. You're like, all right, get over here. And they're like, I love you. And Sopranos are like, yeah, whatever, get over here. I try to tell them.

Sometimes I ask people. They'll stop me at a UFC. Who are you? The best was the lady who asked me who I was. And I go, so you stopped me to take a picture. You don't know who the fuck I am, so you stopped me to take a picture. You don't know who the fuck I am, you fucking barracuda

cocksucker. And you said that he also gets confused with you sometimes. No. Or at least that day he did. It was nice.

It was really nice to finally meet him. He gave me a big hug. Who's that? Big pussy. Big pussy. I saw those pictures. Hysterical.

Ari had it on his... Hysterical. Where'd you do that? At the premiere of the movie. So me and Ari were walking. He looks at me and he comes right over to me. He's like, man, what the fuck? He goes, I was just in the bathroom.

People are asking me how much fun was it shooting with De Niro. And I kept telling him it wasn't me. And here you are. So he was very nice. He was very nice. You know, they're using you in the clip. Have you seen the trailer for Grudge Match?

All the trailers. All of them. They're using that one line. It's like Bad Baywatch. That's the power of the internet, Doug. That's the strength of the Joe Rogan experience

and the power of the motherfuckers. Tell that story because that story is a fucking hilarious story. It's a crazy story. They had no idea who you were.

They booked you because they thought you were funny. You go to the premiere and when your face is on the premiere... No, no, no, no. They shot the because they thought you were funny. You go to the premiere and when your face is on the premiere. No, no, no, no. They shot the movie

because the director referred me. Right. He goes, Joey was a hard sell. So they put me in the movie. But then they take the movie and they show it

in the Midwest and all these places to see how it scores. Right. And when they showed it, they don't show no titles, no names, no nothing.

And they give you a questionnaire. And one of the guys, so when I was shooting the movie, everybody was very nice, but nobody really talked to me. Everybody had their Starbucks cup, and nobody asked me if I wanted Starbucks. You know what I'm saying, Doug? Nobody asked me if I wanted a Starbucks, which I wouldn't have drank a coffee. But Jesus Christ asked me, but I was just a fucking regular guy. When they screened the films, I guess people started yelling, no blue cheese, go fuck your mother.

And they're sitting there going, what the fuck is going on? And all these reports came back. So they got it. So when I went to do the ADR, they were all there like, come here. You know, when Henry Hill comes out of jail, you broke your cherry. It was so weird. They didn't know who you were. They didn't know that from the internet.

They didn't know that, you internet they didn't know that you know this is big what we do here that squad's a fucking movement they didn't know that so once they found out they started lighting

my cigarettes and shit rubbing my shoulders well if you think about what a television show like the amount of people that watch a television show like if a television show is on every week

how many people watch it what's a big one a big one's like you know like like what does Duck Dynasty get it's the highest the biggest ratings ever television shows on every week. How many people watch it? What's a big one? A big one's like, you know, like, what does Duck Dynasty get? It's the highest,

the biggest ratings ever. Yeah, they crushed us. When we were up against them on Syfy, it was like 14 million? Something like that. On cable. Is that like the highest

rated cable show? I know that you were getting more hits than fucking Kamau. Huh? That show on FX. I know that you guys were killing that show. No,

we did very well. On nights when we didn't have to compete. I'm talking about the Joe Rogan podcast. I was getting more downloads than that Camille Bell on FX. Did you know that? You were getting more downloads than people watching that shit that Spike put on.

With Randy and everybody. No disrespect. You know I love MMA. That show they had on for a while. Are you talking about downloads? Are you talking about ratings? Downloads. Podcasts.

Viewers. How many people were downloading and watching this're talking about ratings? Downloads. Podcasts. Viewers. How many people would download and watching this or listening to it in contrast to the show that fucking Kamau had on FX?

But you're not talking about the sci-fi show. You're talking about this podcast. No, forget the sci-fi show. I'm talking about that. More people watch this than that show.

More people watch this than that fucking series they had before Glory on Spike. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You follow what I'm saying? More people. It's amazing how many viewers, how many people watch this.

It's amazing how many places I go now that people hear the voice and go, Joey Diaz, I just heard you on the podcast the other day, man. It's amazing. And the people that will say that. Do you realize it? Or is it one thing? Did it creep up on you and it takes you time to go, holy shit, this is actually getting kind of nutty. When did you realize it? Or is it one thing? Did it creep up on you and it takes you time to go, holy shit, this is actually getting kind of

nutty. When did you realize it? When did you realize the impact of doing stuff online? A year and a half ago. I really felt the, you know, security people talking to me, NSA people, TSA people talking to me. You know, TSA people talk to me now. Hey man, how you doing? That was funny last time.

And you're right. What you said about the Mars program, whatever. It's fucked up how many people will say shit to me, you know? Yeah. This is huge. This little movement is fucking huge. We're closing in on 8 million downloads a month, and that doesn't include Stitcher, and that doesn't include YouTube or Ustream.

So that's a million an episode. So close to it. 750 an episode. Whatever it is, it's a lot. It's a lot. How many individuals that is? I don't know. That's a million an episode. Close to it. 750 an episode. Whatever it is, it's a lot. It's a lot of people. How many individuals that is? I don't know. That's a lot.

That's a fucking lot. It's definitely not 8 million. I mean, I don't know how many it is. There's a lot of different people downloading it twice. You're definitely killing half the TV shows on television. If they go by views. I don't think anybody's killing anything. It's just a different thing.

It's just they didn't have it before. Before, people were stuck they were stuck with radio or they'd have to you know bring a cassette or you know they listen to books on tape that was like your only good option but now they could do whatever the fuck they want there's so much shit you could download you listen to your podcast listen to duncan's you could download a dan carlin podcast and learn about some history you could download a you know science podcast. The numbers of podcasts now are just fucking staggering.

The options that a person has. That's why I keep telling people, you can't charge money for this. If you think you're going to get away with charging money, you're going to make a little bit of money from the people you charge, but you're ultimately going to fuck yourself because it's going to slow your growth down. Your growth is best achieved if

you follow the spirit of the internet. Spirit of the internet is give people free shit. Give people free shit that's good. And that way, when you develop a relationship with them, you develop a relationship where you've already given them something. You're not just constantly asking them to buy your tickets, constantly asking them to do this... It's like a really easy, free thing, and you're happy that they enjoy it. And you do it in the spirit of that, not even in the spirit of trying to make money off of it. And then it all sorts of

falls into place. That's what's happened with all of us. I love getting up at 4.45 in the morning. You're ridiculous. You do it in the weirdest way ever. I fucking love it, though. You just hurt Brian's feelings. I usually watch the first half of it. I had to text this motherfucker twice at noon to tell him that the podcast was at 2. Like, he, oh, what's up?

I could see him waking up with a pair of underwear across his face. Come on. Trying to find, oh, oh. This motherfucker is out every night. Yeah, he's going to die. He's not going to make it. When I get up, listen, there's some nights I go to bed at 8 Like when I come back

On a Sunday I'm dead 5 shows All weekend You know 5 hours a night I fucking go to bed At fucking 6 And there's some nights

I get up at 3 And I'm looking At your Instagrams You go on a fucking Pink dot You go on the other place You take pictures Of pancakes

You're living like We were living You were living like Essentially we were living in the 90s. Yep. And it's a life of a comic. Yeah. It's a life of a comic.

You know, you're going to bed as I'm getting up. You and Ari. Ari is fucking up all hours of the night. Ari's worse than me. Ari's worse. He's a full savage. I looked at his Instagram the other day. I have photos of all the spots he's doing in town.

This motherfucker's doing like five, six spots a night. Yeah, yeah. That's New York. Going all around New York from like 8 p.m. on. You know, he's got spots. He's got 1 a.m. spots at Caroline's and shit. He's just going up. But he's getting excited by it.

Speaking of exciting, this weekend, ladies and gentlemen, at the Mirage, the greatest lineup I've ever put together ever. Joey Diaz, Brian Callen, and Ari Shaffir. God damn. And me and uh at the mirage yeah i mean i don't even need to be there it's a show that's so fucking good i could just just bring everybody up and say good night be fucking beautiful yeah i might i might just take no i'm gonna tell some jokes but look you can't can't get a better line now we've never done a crazier show than that that's the craziest show I've ever done. Four headliners.

Everybody having a good time. It'll be sold out. It's almost sold out already. And it's at the Mirage at the Terry Fedor. I guess he has his own theater there. I've never seen it before, but it's supposed to be a sweet, sweet room. We're going to have a good fucking time, Joey Diaz. What's the rumors in the fucking air?

What's going on with the fight this week? I want you to go there, man, but you're not going to be there. I can't go. I know. No one knows. Look, it's going on with the fight this week? I want you to go there, man, but you're not going to be there. I can't go. I know. No one knows. Look, it's a crazy fight. Anderson Silva, all-time greatest mixed martial artist that's ever lived. I mean, he's got stellar his entire career, dominating champions, strangling Dan Henderson,

knocking out Vitor with a fucking front kick to the face. The greatest martial artist that's ever walked the face of the earth. A guy who lives like he's in a fucking movie. And he gets clipped. Boom! He gets hurt. And a dude plays basketball with his head. Boom, boom, boom. And he's out. The referee has to rescue him.

And it all came about in large part due to him clowning. But what people don't realize is there was a moment in that first round where he had Anderson Silva really hurt. and it was not when he was going for the heel hook it was um he was ground and pounding Anderson and he blasted him on the chin and you see Anderson's head bounce off the ground you realize like whoa that is a

fucking hard shot he got clipped with he got hurt his eyes roll up and roll back He got really rocked and I think that severely influenced his decision to try to up the antics and Really drag Weidman into a stand-up battle, which he thought he would have the advantage But I think one of the reasons why he got clipped with that left hook and all that clowning around was because he got fucking Hurt on the ground and I think he really didn't want to go there he almost got his leg ripped off he got out of the leg lock and who knows if his knee popped he could have easily popped his knee in that exchange was quite a deep leg lock and then he goes from there and you know he's trying to goad him into a stand-up war and he's like come on stand up stand up you know and then he's kicking him and taunting him and

pretending that he's hurt and drunk but weidman is just a motherfucker dude and's kicking him and taunting him and pretending that he's hurt and drunk. But Weidman is just a motherfucker, dude, and he clips him and knocks him out. So the question when you're coming into this fight, it's like, how much different would the result have been if Anderson just treated it like a fucking samurai? If he went in there with no antics and just laser beam precision striking, chops those legs up, eventually lands a big head kick or something. Who knows? Who knows what would have happened? We'll see this weekend.

Well, we won't even because he didn't do it then. So who is he now and who is Weidman now? The first fight is going to be one of the most mysterious fights ever. It's going to be one of the most hotly debated fights ever because everyone's always going to say, what would have happened anderson wasn't fucking around what would have happened if anderson took that dude super serious and just stayed super disciplined on the feet and was able just like in the sudden fight to get taken down the first round but then keep the fight standing for the rest of the fight and then put him away who knows we won't know we don't know anymore but what we do know is that chris weidman knocked anderson silver the

fuck out and that's shocking he's the greatest fighter of all time Chris Weidman knocked Anderson Silva the fuck out. And that's shocking. He's the greatest fighter of all time. And Weidman clipped him with a fucking long left hook. Ba-bink! Right on the chin. Dropped him and then finished him off. And he's going to be so confident coming into this fight. This is going to be a really interesting fight.

Because I think Anderson's going to be real confident. Because Anderson knows that if he minds his P's and Q's and keeps the fight standing, he should have a pretty distinct advantage as long as he doesn't do anything silly like the last time. And then two, Weidman has already beat him. Weidman's already knocked him out. Weidman's gotten better.

Weidman's still young. Weidman just had that Regenikine shit done on his knees. He went to Germany for a week to get his knees treated. And apparently he's got his whole workout like everything he does, you could do it online. Everything he does, he puts it online so people can watch. Puts up his diet, puts up his workout schedule.

Tells Anderson what his strategy is. Doesn't give a fuck. Saying it's not going to matter. I'm going to get him. It's a fascinating fight. It's fucking fascinating. I don't know what's going to happen, man. I have no idea if anderson went out and knocked him out i mean yeah that's a possibility if weidman took him down submitted him that's a possibility weidman knocked him out that's a possibility what if anderson takes weidman's back and submits him who the fuck knows man

it's a that's a wild fight and it's, too. For Anderson, this is for legacy. You know, Anderson suffered like, that's a humiliating defeat. And especially when he knows that there's a lot of people that blame it on his clowning. You know, that's like, and for Brazil, like Brazil got, there was a lot of times where he went to Brazil where, you know, people were like disappointed. He was their champion. Not just the champion, but the greatest champion. And he came from their country. And he feels that disappointment.

He wants to make them happy in this fight. I think this is going to be very intense. I'm fucking pumped. God damn, Joey Diaz. I wish he were going to be there. Now, what's the other fight on the card? Josh? Josh Barnett.

That's a good fight, though. Against Travis Brown. That's a good fight. Travis Hoppa Brown. That's a very good fight. And Ronda. And That's a good fight. Travis Hoppa Brown. That's a very good fight. And Ronda. And Ronda Rousey. Misha Tate.

Yeah. Josh Barnett and Travis Brown is a dangerous fight. That's a tricky fight for both guys. That's Godzilla King Kong right there. Dude, that Travis Brown might be one of the toughest motherfuckers who's ever fought. He's a big boy. He's big. Is he 6'7", Travis Brown?

I would say he's, if I had to guess, I would say he's at least 6'5", 6'6". 6'5", somewhere around there. He's a big boy. That's a big motherfucker. But he's also, he moves good, man. He moves light on his feet. What did he just beat? He's striking Alistair motherfucking Overeem.

That's right. Front kick to the face. Yeah, that's right. Dude, and that was after taking a ferocious beating in that first round. He took a beating that would have stopped 99.999% of the people on the planet if they were in that position taking those kind of shots. Alistair was murdering him with knees. And there's nobody that throws knees like Alistair.

Have you never seen Alistair Overeem fight? Alistair Overeem was the K1 Grand Prix champion, and he's a super high-level kickboxer for MMA, like one of the most high-level guys to ever fight in MMA, in the heavyweight division especially. And that motherfucker delivers knees in a totally different way. It's all just hip and technique and torque and whomp. I mean, those fucking knees go deep into your soul.

They pass through your skin and push your fucking belly right into your backbone. Like, they make your body go numb because he's literally smashing his knee all the way into your backbone. Like, they make your body go numb. Because he's literally smashing his knee all the way into your nerves. I mean, they're ruthless knees. And his whole body gives out. He goes down. And he's just getting fucking pounded.

And you're thinking, they're going to stop this fight any second now. And he figures out a way to get up. And then Alistair gets tired. And then he gets up. And Alistair is clearly exhausted. He kept throwing head kicks, right? He kept throwing. Uh-huh.

Right. I remember that, Travis. And he landed that one straight up the middle, right to the chin, and Alistair's legs give out, and Travis finishes him off. It's one of the greatest comebacks ever. Who's Alistair fighting next? It was supposed to be Mir, but Mir got hurt. I don't know if he's scheduled. Who's, let me find out right now.

He was supposed to fight Mir, but Mir got hurt. Somebody got hurt. Yeah, I wonder who he is supposed to be fighting next. I don't know. Let me find that out. I'll find that out. Next fight. He's a guy that a lot of people thought he was going to, especially

after the Brock Lesnar fight, a lot of people thought that he was going to be the fucking man. Oh, he's fighting Frank Mir. Yeah, he's supposed to fight. Oh, Jesus. When? UFC 169. Which is the Super Bowl. Yeah, that's right. Wow, that's a crazy fight, man. Both guys got a lot to lose, man. Who's on the Super Bowl card? That's a good Wow. That's a crazy fight, man. Both guys got a lot to lose. Who's on the Super Bowl card? That's a good question. I think it's Hennon Barau and Dominic Cruz is the main event. That's going to be a big fight for the East Coast. And still to this day, it can't be legal in New York.

It's fucking crazy. It's one of the weirdest as far as like examples of how corruption shapes what people are allowed to enjoy and not enjoy. It's they figured out a way to keep the UFC out of New York despite a giant hit to the economy.

I mean they're taking money away from New York by not letting it come to New York. It would bring hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue to restaurants and local bars and I mean, they're taking money away from New York by not letting it come to New York. It would bring hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue to restaurants and local bars. And, I mean, the impact would be huge. The prestige would be huge. People would love to see it. And they still, it's not like they don't have combat sports. They have boxing regularly in New York.

They have kickboxing. They've had glory in New York. They had glory, you know, high-level kickboxing in Madison Square Garden. That's amazing. These motherfuckers, they're figuring out a way to keep people from enjoying what they want. But you know what, man? There's always going to be that.

There's always going to be that. There's always going to be people that are trying to make money off of something. For folks who don't even know what it's all about, the Culinary Union keeps the UFC out of New York. And they know that it's a big event for new york um but they want the ufc uh ufc is owned by zufa and zufa also on station casinos same guys and they want them to go union the culinary union wants those those hotels to go union so they're

taking all their dues and they're they're battling the ufc hardcore they develop these like crazy websites they contact gay and lesbian groups they do everything they can to try to like make a big force against the ufc the crazy thing is they contact gay and lesbian groups but the ufc is like they they're openly in support of gay and lesbian rights they they actually donate money to to various centers and the ufc is like totallyminded. Fighters have been reprimanded for, you know, calling people gay slurs and things along those lines. They're not, you know, the culinary union is just trying to figure out a way

to get the UFC to... It's amazing how they still do that shit. But if they did, if they switched over union, it would be worth millions of dollars to the union. It's kind of fascinating stuff. Because on one hand, you go, well, you know, unions are important. If a guy wants to earn a good wage and you want to make sure that they have some leverage and buying power

people should get paid but when you see shit like this like how could this be right like you the people that work for those casinos voted against doing the union thing the whole thing is a mess it's just like it's just cunty corruption and it's gotten to the point where you're like they can't back down now. They've been spending money trying to keep the UFC out

for so long but you're just putting your finger on a dike and there's a hole in that fucking dam and more

holes are going to start popping up and eventually it's just going to overwhelm you. UFC at the fucking garden.

It would be insane. They're still spending all this union dues trying to keep it out.

It's just so unfortunate where shit like that happens where two things get entangled. It would be insane. They're still spending all this union dues trying to keep it out. It's just so unfortunate where shit like that happens, where two things get entangled. Business is getting tangled. So the card in UFC in New Jersey is a sick fucking card. It's Dominic Cruz, Hennon Burrell, which Cruz has been out for two years, man, with two different knee surgeries. One cadaver ACL graft, that blew out on him. His body

rejected it, and then he had to go back in again. Another nine months of rehab, and then three months of training. So he loses on both shots, he loses a year. Fucking incredible. So he's finally back, fighting the interim champ Henneperau, and then you got Jose Aldo fighting

Ricardo Lamas. That's a great fucking fight, man. And then you got Mir versus Overeem. There's a lot of good fights, too. Lineker versus Bagutinov. These two little flyweight murderers. Oh! Those two killers, man. Bagutinov is a Sambo champion.

Lineker is a destroyer. They call him Hands of Stone. Can't do that, right? It's Roberto Duran's shit. You can't take Roberto Duran's shit. But the kid can fucking bang, man. He's got ridiculous, ridiculous power. Bobby Green's fighting Abel Trujillo. God damn.

There's a lot of good fights, man. A lot of good fights. It's going to be crazy, too, because getting back and forth, apparently, you're saying, is going to be a real issue. Well, those guys are going to be in Jersey. Yeah. But you're saying that. You're not going to go back and forth, apparently, you're saying, is going to be a real issue. Well, those guys are going to be in Jersey. Yeah. But you're saying that. You're not going to go back and forth.

You're not going to go back and forth. No, no. You're not going to go back and forth. It's too crazy. Only one time, so it's not that bad. Yeah, but going back and forth that weekend is going to be nutty, huh? It's going to be bad, bro. What is it going to be like that weekend?

What is it like? Okay, so you have three tunnels. Right. On the Lincoln Tunnel side, you have the George Washington Bridge upper and lower, and you have the Holland Tunnel, right, plus you have the ferries. When you do a Super Bowl, you have the Super Bowl all in one location. So when you go to, let's say they're going to have it up in the Rose Bowl, everything around the Rose Bowl will be NFL-related for the first two weeks.

The first week is press week. The last week of the playoffs, I think it's either a two-week situation to get you to spend more money or it's a one week. So you go right from the playoffs right to the Super Bowl. They come into town the week before and start practicing and all that shit. It's not the 18,000 to 20,000 people that come to the Super Bowl. It's the 100,000 people. A couple years ago, Real Sports had an expose on how many hookers fly in for Super Bowls.

You'd be fucking blown away. Seems like a good move. If I was a hooker, I'd fly in. No, they had a whole 20 minutes out of three segments dedicated to the art of hooking during the motherfucking Super Bowl. Who had this? HBO. HBO had this?

What really happens to a city when they have the Super Bowl in your city? That was the expose. Wow. For starters, 20 million kilos of coke get shot at. 20 million? Oh, you know. People come to the Super Bowl to party. Right, right, right.

So it's not the 18,000 that go to the game. It's the 100,000 that come in. So now, let's pretend you're going to have the Super Bowl in San Francisco. Everything around that stadium is going to be related to the Super Bowl. They're not doing that this time. They're doing all the

NFL experiences and shit scattered throughout New York City. So if you want to see the NFL experience Hall of Fame, you got to go up to the Museum of Natural History. If you want to see the NFL quarterback challenge, you got you got to go up to the Museum of Natural History. If you want to see the NFL Quarterback Challenge, you got to go downtown. That's going to create all that shit. Not to mention. There's a lot of things going on.

There's a lot of things closed. Not to mention, they're closing the Lincoln Tunnel. One tunnel is only for buses. So it's going to be one commuter thing. Now, our boy Alex will get you back and forth. The other thing I do not like at all is it's February fucking 3rd and 4th. Could snow. Could snow.

They said it hasn't snowed in February in 80 years. You know what that means? It's going to fucking snow in February. 80 years? I said in the Super Bowl. In that area in Newark, it hasn't snowed in February in 80 years. Well, listen. Is that true?

No. No, that's not true. What am I? Am I quoting nonsense? Because my birthday's February 19th, and my mother used to take pictures every year of me walking into the bar on February 19th, and one thing for certain, there's always snow on the fucking ground. Let me see what it, maybe it's that day.

Let me see what they're saying. Hasn't snowed. The farmer's almanac is predicting a big storm. The farmer's almanac is predicting it? Yeah. The Farmers' Almanac is predicting it? Yeah. How dare they? The temperature, that's hilarious.

Temperature reached 71 yesterday. Where? Newark. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's warm right now. Sure. That's incredible. Yeah, yeah.

That's warmer than it is here. Yeah. That doesn't even make any sense. It's raining, too. Yeah, they said it's unseasonably warm. Okay, February 2nd in New York. This is true.

February 2nd in Newark hasn't seen serious snow in 80 years. Wow. Yeah, so it is true. Yeah, so it's that day. It's that specific day. 80 years. They asked Roger Goodell. That doesn't mean shit.

Last weekend, they asked Roger Goodell, what are you doing for the possibilities of snow? He said, you know what? If it snows, we're going to have ourselves an old-fashioned Super Bowl. That would be awesome. Fuck it. I would like that. Snow banging up.

But you're out of there. By the time the Super Bowl even kick off, you're in L.A. with your feet up and getting a massage. Well, I'm going to watch it. I'm going to watch it this year. Yeah, home. I'm going to try to figure out. Yeah, hey, fuck yeah. What are you, crazy?

I'm not going there. Nowhere else. With your feet up, eating fucking a meatball sandwich or something. Because if not. I want to find out what the fucking hype is all about. And I think if I watch them play in the snow, I'll really enjoy it. Because it's madness, you know. I love chaos.

If they could have MMA fights in the snow. Have you ever seen Wet and Wild? Have you ever seen the King of the Cage, Wet and Wild? No, no, no. King of the Cage is a smaller organization. In Hawaii, right? No, no, no. King of the Cage is a smaller organization. In Hawaii, right? No, no, no, no, no. California.

They used to have, my friend Bud used to own part of it. And they used to have these, where the fuck is that? Look at that. Last weekend. Where are they playing? That's crazy. Philadelphia. That is so gangster.

Playing a game in the snow like that, I don't give a fuck. That is uber gangster. And to see that there's 18,000 people in the snow like that I don't give a fuck That is uber gangster And to see that there's 18,000 people in the audience Go to that audience shot Look at that Look at those motherfuckers They're freezing their dicks off And they're still there

They're all there Fuck I love that I love that they're willing to play in the snow like that I just think that's so wicked How the technology has changed Because now like the sidelines. I love it.

The sidelines are all heated. The seats are heated. Yeah. They throw blankets that are heated. The gloves are heated. Right. It's amazing. Well, what...

Fucking getting hit in the cold. What's that American Express commercial? Dinner, $66. A blowjob. Oh, priceless. Priceless. Priceless. Getting hit in the fucking snow when it's cold.

Priceless. I don't know how many leg warmers you got. Look at that cameraman. Yeah. That guy's fucking earning his money, man. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. That's insane.

Yeah, get that East Coast, man. It gets rough. Look at that shit. I'll tell you what. When I went deer hunting recently, we went to Wisconsin for that show Meat Eater, and we sat in a blind, a deer blind recently. We went to Wisconsin for that show Meat Eater and we sat in a blind, a deer blind, waiting and you're sitting in that fucking blind and it is zero degrees outside

and the wind is whipping and you are fucking cold. You know why? Because you're just sitting. You're not moving. It's one thing if you're moving. Like I've been in zero before but if you keep moving when you're in zero, you're okay. As long as you keep moving, you generate some body heat. But when you're

just sitting there waiting for a deer to show up, you can't... You're just a fucking statue. You can't move. You just gotta sit there. It's fucking rough, man. It's rough, bro. Wisconsin in the winter, up near those fucking lakes. But god damn, there are deer everywhere. They're everywhere. You know what's

crazy? We're not used to it. No. We're pussies. I honestly... We're soft. I was just on the east coast that night. One night, know what's crazy? We're not used to it. No. We're pussies. Honestly. We're soft. I was just on the East Coast that night. One night it started snowing. I'm not used to it. I wasn't crying.

I wasn't to the point, but I'm not used to it. I didn't say nothing. I had shit on, but it's fucking cold. That's a different. I was in Eugene, Oregon with my man Tom Segura when it was nine below zero. Yeah, a fucking rare, rare cold snap, right? Rare cold snap. And you're like, wow, I forgot about this.

They had some serious snow while you guys were up there. This is cool to do for ten minutes to walk and get a Starbucks or something. Yeah, we gotta go to Portland again. Let's do Portland. Wanna do Portland together? Yeah, let's do it. Okay, we'll do Portland together and we'll do New Mexico together. Let's do Portland, New Mexico. This weekend, you dirty bitches.

We're going to be there this weekend at the Mirage, though. We're going to have some fun. What are you doing New Year's? New Year's, I got an early show. Where at? I'm doing the early show. John Lovitz. Ah, okay.

So I'm doing an early show up there. And then I'm off early. I don't know how late I'll be up there, but the parking's going to be weird. Right. I forget how fucking crazy the parking is for New Year's everywhere. Well, if you get to the improv in time, man, if you want to go up. You're starting at 10, though, right? Yeah, we're starting at 10.

We're not getting out of there until about 10. That's why I didn't know for sure. Just drive over. Just drive. Because Tripoli's going to go up, and then Tony Hinchcliffe's going to go up. I don't know how hard it's going to be to get out of there. I don't know. I've never been there before in New Year's.

You know, we could always ring in the New Year, and then you can go up after that, too. It doesn't matter. We'll have some fun. Let me tell you something, Joe Rogan. I have been catching up on sleep the last two weeks. Have you? I fucking six weeks in a row on the road. That's a tough fucking thing to do.

Do you do morning radio as well? There's no morning radio. Listen, let me tell you what they do to the debt squad people. The debt squad people, they give us a little percentage and they put it all on us. They put everything on us. They figure Twitter, I see who goes in the week before

and they get three stations. They'll call us and say, come in Wednesday for Thursday radio. They got nothing for us because they don't even spend a dime

in these fucking clubs when we come in no more. Not a dime, not a guts because they put it all on us. They think we're going to go in there from the fucking podcast and pack the place.

Well, in a lot of ways, like you said, it is like being on a TV show. It's the same kind of thing. It's the same thing. And the word gets out in a better way. And we do all our promoting. There's no radio. How many radio stations you got left? There's not many.

Three, four radio stations that you get on and promote something heavy. The guy in L.A., Opie and Anthony. Stern. Who else is left? There's a few. Bob and Tom. There's guys throughout the country. There's a few guys in Austin. There's these guys. Dale Dudley. Dale and Bob in Austin. The people in Fort Lauderdale.

Fort Lauderdale, yeah. Tom and Ray, his buddies. I had to do radio for the movie. I had to call a couple places and I was surprised. But it's all serious. I had to do, like, radio for the movie, and I had to call a couple places, and I was surprised. But it's all serious. You know, I had to call D.C. It's all serious. It's different affiliates.

It wasn't like in the old days when we'd go to Houston. You did radio Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Friday the drive-thru. What happened to those guys? Did radio get fucked up by those jack channels and all those, like, pre-programmed channels? Is that what it is? What's the big communism station? Communism? Clear Channel?

Clear Channel. Communism. That's it. Communism. It isn't. They were firing people for saying, they got mad at, what's his name? What's the kid that had the, Frank Caliendo. They got mad at him?

Don't even say fuck. That kid never even said fuck in his life. Why'd they get mad at him? I don't know. But years ago, something happened at some clear channel. He did an impersonation. They thought it was off color. Those people insult fucking easily, man.

Well, they're just thinking about money. It's kind of funny that you're selling art, but you're just thinking about money. That's a real hard line to dance. You're going to make sure that your product sucks because your product is never going to have any edges to it. There's not going to be anything dangerous about it. There's not going to be anything dangerous about it. There's not going to be anything controversial about it. Can you imagine if we could have a radio show where we do like this?

We have a morning radio show. It's like this, completely uncensored and it's on drive time, whatever. Just take this. Why you have some other nonsense on? Just take this and if you need to throw a little beep in there, throw a little beep in there. No, no.

It's got to be real. People were ready for this. Listen, in this society, people were ready for this. Well, you know what they're going to be ready for is having the internet on their fucking radio. The internet's going to be in your car. You're just going to download them, watch them, or stream them live. Joe, how many times can you hear, hey, Joe, so what are you thinking this weekend? Are you going to the racetrack?

Yes, we are. We're going to go. Nobody wants to hear that no more. We've gone through that. 1980 is fucking done. Okay? So nobody wants to hear that shit. If you want to hear that shit, maybe that's what suits you. But I want to hear somebody who's telling me the fucking truth for once. I want to hear somebody who's telling me their fucking mind,

not what the advertisers are fucking telling them, what they could say and what they can't say. God damn it, I'm with you. And that's the beauty about fucking podcasting. That is the beauty. That's the beauty, bud. I don't give a fuck. You don't want to sponsor?

I don't give a fuck. We get our word out. This is pirate radio to the grassroots as grassroots as it could fucking be. Yeah. This is as crazy pirate radio as there's ever been before. Even pirate radio was never like this. Yeah, this is crazy. This is as good as ever been before. Even pirate radio was never like this. Yeah, this is crazy. This is as good as it fucking gets.

Pirate radio wishes it was the internet. I love doing this shit with a joint in my mouth. When can you do that shit? I love all that shit. Well, if you stop and think about it, from the moment we started doing this, all of us, everybody who does it now, all of us, Ari and Brian and Callan and everybody who's been doing this, we were just doing it to do it. We just started off doing it for fun.

We started off doing it as a goof. So the intention was never as a business. The intention was to make it as fun as possible and to make it as enjoyable to listen to as possible. And it becomes sort of like a piece that you're creating. It is like you're having a conversation, but that you're creating it doesn't it's not like uh it is like you're having a conversation but when you're aware that other people are listening and you you know you want to make sure that it's this is entertaining that there's something to this

you're you're you're like you're fashioning a piece you know and that's a lot of what you're doing when you're creating a podcast it's a piece of art it's a piece i mean it's very pretentious to call it art but it's something that you're creating and that's something you realize along the way yeah but you realize show for the years that's all this is there's no difference we're going on there and we're giving you what's in our heart and what's in our head what what sticks out in our mind i don't fucking go on you i don't go on yahoo and see what the hot topic is and talk about it anybody could do that yeah anybody could do that yeah i don't want to talk about the hot topic is and talk about it. Anybody can do that. Anybody can do that.

I don't want to talk about that shit. I want to talk about what pertains to us today. I don't go on there and talk about Obama. What do I give a fuck? What do I give a fuck? You guys bought that hook. He's a fucking president. Why are you buying insurance from this shit?

I'm not saying the president is shit, but why are you getting caught up? And I know everybody needs insurance. But I'm not going to go on there and talk about generalization of sports. I don't want to do that. I'm sick of doing that. How many times have you watched the news? You have three TVs in your house. Put them together one night and put the news on.

They're fucking synchronized. They're synchronized. So what they're talking about on four, they're talking about on five at the same time. Really? Then Diane Sawyer comes on and World News Tonight comes on and there's an, and World News Tonight comes on, and there's an interpretation of World News Tonight with Diane Sawyer on 4 and on 2.

And they're covering the same shit that you're covering to the minute because they want to get it to you before anybody else gets it to you. Right. So we go live now. It's the same shit. When you wake up in the morning, you guys aren't up in the morning. You've got to get up at 6 and watch TV in the morning and see how bad they get you going in the morning

and the fear they put in you. All they talk about is teachers raping a kid and this happened overnight and this. Nothing's positive. By the time you get in your car, if you have any feeling at all, you're fucking in shock. That's why I get up at 4 45

And I smoked oak and I get on Twitter and I play fucking music Because let's get the fuck let's get our head away from that shit. Who gives a fuck you still gotta get up You know whether Obama cares alive and kicking when you go to rouse Does anybody pop up and pay for your bills at rouse or whatever wherever the fuck you do shop and you read bad? No, all right. Then what the fuck a real question? Yeah, when you're at rouse or whatever wherever the fuck you do shopping you read band no all right then what the fuck is that a real question yeah when you're at rouse nobody pops up and pays me no of course they don't joey yeah so what the fuck what i don't worry about that shit no more you worry about your own path and what you can do and how you can help your community and yourself and the people around you move forward and if you're not doing that then what the fuck are you doing well there's a lot of

people that are are not doing, but they are involved in the political part of it. It's like, you can't, I don't think you can do everything. It becomes a problem if you really want to concentrate on fixing the economic system and fixing the political system. I don't have time. I'm only here for a short time. You're running uphill, that's for sure. You know, but that's, a lot of people say that's a cop-out because that's the world that you live in and this is the society you're supposed to help enhance it. You want to solve the world, you go do it. All I'm doing is

putting you in a good mood for you to go the fuck out there and get out there and kick some fucking ass. You know, I'm going to fuck this morning. I was talking to my wife and she goes,

you're a scarecrow. You know, the other night I didn't go to the ice house because I was scared to go out at night. Why? I don't know.

Because you eat edibles that would kill a fucking horse. I don't know. Sometimes. You eat edibles. Tom Segura came on and was telling a story about you giving him a Chiba

Chew and about you ate like three or four of them. You had literally like, he ate a quarter of it and you had literally eight times as much in your system. Yeah, on the airplane? Oh yeah. Yeah, he was telling me the whole story about it and I was like that's one of the most terrifying just thinking about you that high

on an airplane. Like, you're having anxiety attacks. Oh, I was a little bit. I was breathing heavy. I was starting to sweat. That's fucking really high, man. What are you getting out of that? I love walking on that.

I love walking on that. No, the day with Segura, I ate a whole Chibichu, but it was a 70 milligram. It was a green one. I start my day with a double, a 170. How am I going to do 70? I ain't going to do nothing. So I got to pop two of them and that's 140 and the third one is 210. So I'm in range.

I'm in range. That's how I, you know what I'm saying? The amount of tolerance that the average person, the length of time they would have to indulge in marijuana to hit that kind of tolerance. That shit that Joey Diaz was just talking about, about all those local news,

I don't know if you saw Conan O'Brien. He did a thing last week, it was brilliant, where he took all these local news channels and showed how exactly generic they are reporting on the same story, and they edited it together. If you want to, I have it right here. Yeah, sure, throw it up.

Makes sense. It's so funny. Check this out. There's an even bigger story that's sweeping the nation right now. Who are you really shopping for this holiday season? It's okay. You can admit it if you've bought an item or two or ten for yourself. Well, it's okay. You can admit it if you have bought an item or two or maybe ten for yourself.

It's okay. You can admit it if you've bought an item or two or ten for yourself. It's okay. You can admit it if you've bought an item or two or ten for yourself. It's okay. You can admit it. You've bought an item or two or ten for yourself. It's okay. You can admit it if you've bought an item or two or ten for yourself. It's okay. You can admit it if you've bought an item or two or ten for yourself. It's okay. You can admit it if you've bought an item or two or ten for yourself. It's okay.

You can admit it, Todd. If you've bought an item or two or ten for yourself. It's okay. You can admit it if you've bought an item or two or ten Oh my god. It's okay. You can admit it if you bought one or two or maybe three or four, maybe even ten items for yourself. It's okay. You can admit it if you bought an item. What a items for yourself. It's okay. You can admit it. What a bunch of hacks.

Keep it going. I'm enjoying the shit out of this. By the way, I want to fuck all these people. The guys, too. They're all beautiful. It's okay. You can admit it. If you bought an item or two or maybe ten for yourself. It's okay. You can admit it.

If you bought maybe an item or two or ten for yourself. Is it okay? You can admit it if you've bought maybe an item This is so funny. for yourself. Is it okay? You can admit it. Oh my God, this is insane. It's still going, Joey. It's okay. You can admit it. Joey went to take a leak.

If you've bought an item or two or ten for yourself. Nobody has a fucking idea. So, how do you guys think this works? Do you think that there's some sort of a grand script

that goes out over the airwaves? They get these generic packets from NBC and stuff like that. They could change the wording, but instead they do not. They do not. Yeah, they're probably lazy as fuck.

You have no idea what we get coaxed into. And you have to realize that for years, when you were growing up, when you were young, you always heard that cliche. The media controls everything. Well, they don't control everything. They control what they want you to hear. Right everything. They control what they want you to hear. Right. It's control what they want you to hear. You can't shoot a fucking BB gun now without the whole country finding out in 10 fucking seconds.

They will interrupt the fucking orgy now on you porn. I'll tell you that. A kid got shot in New Orleans by a... I'm sorry. Oh, no. I'm sorry. Oh, I know somebody farted over there. What are you doing?

He's showing me gross... Oh, why would you say that? Jamie, don't distract. We're in the middle of a conversation. No, no, no. And that's the thing. They... So...

Guys, don't have a second conversation in the middle of this conversation. That's stupid. Anything that we're doing now is because people eventually just got, I mean, how many times, and I don't mean to put anybody down, you watch a sitcom lately? No. It's painful. They're an art form. Anything?

They're like fucking. Anything on 2, 4, Fox, and whatever, they're all the same, just rewritten over and over and over again. And there's some nights that it's like going to the main room and Carlos is on doing Dice's joke and he's in the original room. Remember that shit that night? Somebody was saying, just go to the original room and Carlos was doing Dice's joke. He just did Dice's.

Dice did the joke in the original room. Carlos did the same joke in the main room one night. But I'm not talking, it's the same thing. This is why this shit's winning. This is why more people are turning into this. First of all, it's unedited. This is, this is it. You mean podcasts.

These podcasts. We do them. Yeah. We put them up. They're unedited. That format the TV shows operate under where they interrupt things every 15 minutes. Yeah, that's it.

I watched The Walking Dead. You know, when you get it on Apple TV, you can't get it the night it comes out on TV. So it was out on Sunday, so I decided to watch it on regular TV in real time. It was fucking brutal. They just kept having commercial after commercial after commercial. They kept throwing commercials up. It was fucking crazy. I was like, this is gross.

It's such a terrible way to watch an hour program. We have so many different options now with podcasting, and people are jumping on board going, I like this. You know what? When I watch Jay Leno at night, I may like the guy from Pirates of the Caribbean. What's his name? Listen, Jay Leno, if he was smart, he would host a show on cars. That's it. No, no, no.

I'm just saying. What's the guy that goes on there? Who? Johnny Depp? Johnny Depp. We all like Johnny Depp. I love him. But Johnny Depp ain't going to go on there unless he's promoting a movie.

I ain't promoting nothing. I'm here talking to you. So tell us about what happened that time you were shooting. Well, it was alligator. You were on the set. I did my own stunts. Get the fuck out of my face. You're a fucking half a fag.

You're going to do your own fucking stunts, all right? You know, it's the same shit. So eventually some people said, fuck it. We can't do this no more. These things to me are interesting as shit. I listen to podcasts. Yes. I listen to a different assortment of ones.

There's educational podcasts. I try. Me too. The History of Water is fucking great, by the way, because I'm a history reader. And they're very interesting. And even when you're doing a podcast and you listen to one that's educational, it's not comedy, by the way, because I'm a history reader. And they're very interesting. And even when you're doing a podcast and you listen to one that's educational, it's not comedy, you're like, wow, I like how they're doing that. Have you heard of Radiolab? You ever heard of Radiolab?

No, no, no. Radiolab is really good. It's interesting, too, because they add in sound effects. They tell a story, and they edit it really well. They'll do an interview, and they'll explain things as the interview is going on. Like they intersect a narrator explaining things as they're going on with like cool sound effects and shit. It's like really well produced. So like they have a premise. Like one of the premises was why are these athletes from this one particular area in Africa,

why are they such good runners? Like what is it about these guys that make them good runners? And then during the whole show, they speak to experts who talk about it, and then they ultimately speak to a guy who was born or raised in that tribe, and he explains what it is. It's a combination of factors, but one of them being this brutal circumcision thing that these guys have to go through. Unbelievably brutal rites of passage to become a man, where they circumcise you with a sharp stick they make you crawl naked through thorns like it's like really hardcore shit like what they make these people do they make they make them run like on a regular basis while their dick is like

twisted up like they have their foreskin tied up in a bow and they're they're running naked when they get outside the uh the hut they also have to run. They can't walk anywhere. Like, incredible rites of passage to become a man that are so brutal that they get through this, and they have this insane tolerance for pain, and they have this genetic predisposition to be good runners, like the way their body's shaped and built. Fascinating stuff.

So listening to it on this podcast made me appreciate, like, that style of podcasting that's in this and it's a different style obviously than we do but i like that yeah no no it's you know everybody's got to be creative now with this thing people were second time that shit you know i i listen i've for years i've said that and i normally insult people i don't know who fucking stays up and watches those talk shows later flipping through night. Flipping through the channels. I don't fucking know why they're still on half the fucking time. I don't fucking know who watches that shit on a fucking... And now you got Saturday Night Live, which now they got to put stars on every week to make it work.

Every fucking week, they got to put somebody famous. Now I get home on Saturday from doing something, and it's Miley Cyrus, Justin Timberlake, and Paul Rudd. No, last week it was the other guy. What the fuck? What happened to the regular fucking Saturday Night Live cast? Nobody watches that shit, so you have to have those fucking people on there now. But it's amazing. Who watches late night talk shows?

Who the fuck tolerates that shit? You do? Well, just Kimmel. Well, it looks like that fucking Conan clip was great. But Conan's not at 9 o'clock. What time's he on? Here. It's on early. 8 o'clock. 9 o'clock. What time's he on? Here. Here. It's on early.

8 o'clock. 9 o'clock and Pete Holm comes on at 10. I watch Conan. I'm talking about 11 fucking 30. How's Pete Holm's show? I've never watched it. I've watched the beginning of it a couple minutes there. Is he doing the same standard thing, like monologue in the beginning and then?

I think he turned, his is like a podcast show also. I haven't watched the whole thing. My friend watched it. He's on After Conan? Is that what it friend watched it. He's on After Conan. Is that what it is? Yes, he's on After Conan. And then there's Craig Ferguson. Still does a pretty good...

I don't fucking watch that shit that dude in the fucking morning. I don't watch the other guy. Jay Leno killed me fucking eight years ago. Every once in a while. I still got a hard-on for my main man, Dave Leatherman. That's my dog. So I'll watch him if he's got somebody cool on him or he's got a goof on him or something.

He's still an interesting guy. He's very interesting. I've loved him since 80-fucking-2. I've been watching David Letterman. You know where you get to see an interesting side of him? He's in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. You know that web series that Jerry Seinfeld did? Have you seen that one with David Letterman? Yeah. It's so yeah so good is he really good he's really interesting because he has a volvo

that he drives around in this crazy souped up volvo and uh someone famous called him up like who was it who was it that wanted to know if he wanted one of those volvos some some other crazy fucker some other crazy famous fucker forget i forget who it was, but someone said, hey, I'm buying these souped up Volvos. You want one? He's like, fuck it, count me in. So he got this Volvo with a six speed and like a fucking ridiculous high horsepower engine. It looks like a crazy, like a regular wagon, you know, that you would drive around in, but it's brutal. Click on that shit so you can see what it is.

That's a big-time bolder car, too. Yeah. The Volvo. Oh, that's an ad, right? Is that an ad? They get you with those fucking 15-second ads. I like the skip ad option. I like how they're doing that.

Skip ad. Five seconds in five seconds. Yeah. You got to get me quick. You got to get me quick. Yeah, this is a Volvo. He's got a Volvo wagon. This is a 1995 Volvo 960 station wagon.

Oh my God, really? It is in Regent Red. It has a black leather interior, premium sound system, and a sunroof. But it was built with a high-performance racing engine by none other than Paul Newman. It's a 380-horsepower Ford V8 with a supercharger and a Mustang 5-speed gearbox. It looks like the kind of car that you would take to a place like this and do things like this But it's actually a car where you can do things like this

He's doing a burnout oh how rude Anyway That's an interesting web series There's another one like Jerry Seinfeld like I like him in that more than I even like him doing stand-up. He's really good at that because he loves fucking cars. That guy is addicted to cars. Jerry Seinfeld is awesome. He's a huge Porsche owner.

He owns some insane amount of Porsches. I think he's got huge garages that he owns that are dedicated to these cars. It's actually at an airport in Santa. Yeah, but not just here. Also on the East Coast as well. He's got a separate one set up over there, and he has a full-time mechanic that takes care of all of his stuff. They're just constantly working on his cars.

He has rare cars that are worth like a million bucks. Rare first edition 1973 911 RS cars that are super hard to get a hold of. He's a car nut. It's like Jay Leno, too. One of Jay Leno's best things that he does is Jay Leno's Garage. It's a thing that he does online. I like it better than The Tonight Show. Because the fucking guy loves cars. He's in love with everything.

And not just fast cars. He's got a bunch of old stupid cars that are like these crazy, like, 1910 fucking shit boxes that he's got rebuilt. And he drives around in them. Is this Jerry Seinfeld's place? Yeah, yeah. Just layered. Yeah, he's got, like, all kinds of cars. Mostly Porsches, but obviously you can see there he's got a Chevy Camaro SS.

VW Bug up there. VW Bug. Yeah, he's got a fuckload of cars, man. He loves them. I mean, hey, you know, people are into weird shit. Some guys are into steroids. Other guys are into guns. Jerry Seinfeld's into cars.

Fuck it. Get that Cadillac though, Joey. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Let your wife drive the Subaru. No, she has the fucking Cadillac though, Joey. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Let your wife drive the Subaru.

No, she has the fucking Cadillac or whatever. Fucking gangster. She has the whatever. I want a silver one too. You need one that looks like a spaceship. What's the car that won the car of the year last year? Everybody got the Hyundai. Hyundai?

Oh, the one that looks like a Mercedes? Yeah, she got that one. Those are supposed to be great. Somebody told me those cars are fucking great. This guy who knows cars told me, look, the difference between that and a Lexus, it's barely evident. He's like, yeah, the Lexus is a little bit sharper. It's a little bit like higher tolerances. It's a little bit better design, a little bit more high-end, but not that much.

He's like, that fucking car, the one that looks like a Mercedes that Hyundai makes? He goes like, that is like the bargain Fucking car of the year That's a fucking gun It's like It's a great car Dog I've done 80 Just I did 110

Coming back from San Diego One night Like nothing Nothing Nothing Yeah I have a Friend of mine Is Korean

And he was Just like He was a doctor And he was always talking about Like Korean work ethic And like He's like you don't know, man. He goes, when these guys make a car.

Because this was when Hyundai was first coming out. It was in the 1980s. 87. Yeah, and he was like, listen, man. These cars are going to be good. There were a $4,000 car that went ballistic. Yeah, they were great. I knew salesmen selling Hyundais making $20,000 a month on $400 commissions.

That's how many fucking Hyundais they were selling a month, dog. Those little four doors, what were those called? I forget. The Hyundai. They were super cheap. Super cheap. But they were reliable. Then they went away for a while, and they came back with this all new thing.

Yeah. And, you know, it's like Mitsubishi. Like I've always said, there's a Mitsubishi part in every fucking car. Mitsubishi has shit in every fucking car. What's the, who else? What did Mitsubishi build? They built the plane that drove people crazy in World War II. They built a plane?

Did they? Mitsubishi built the MiG. That's why a lot of old-time people won't buy fucking any cars with Mitsubishi. Chrysler had Mitsubishi products in there. A lot of people won't. Damn, these Hyundais are expensive now. This Equus, E-Q-U-U-S. Equus, yeah.

Is $60,000. Wow, they ain't fucking Hyundai? Yeah, dude, but when you look at it, it's like $120,000 Mercedes. It's a dope fucking car, man. I only know the Hyundai Cylindro. You know, it's a ballsy move too If you've got some money and you buy a Hyundai You're like you know what bitch

This is good enough This is all I need It's the opposite of the Cadillac move It's the anti-floss Where is it? I'm looking at it right now Which car? Which one is it?

No the EQUS. EQUS. Yeah. $61,000, man. That's not cheap. That's what it starts at. Damn. Yeah.

But it's a rock-solid car in comparison to the high-end Lexus. What's the high-end Lexus? Let's see. High-end Lexus. Lexus LS4600 starts off at $71,000. So it's like not that much of a savings. And Mercedes-Benz S550. Yeah, they're comparing them right there. The Ultimate. So the Equus Ultimate is $68,000.

And the Lexus LS 460 starts at $71,000. that lexus is a motherfucker dude those japanese those designers and engineers that they have that uh worked for toyota and then went into lexus and made the high-end lexus i had a lexus truck i still miss that truck really yeah i leased it at least it and i was i brought it with me to Colorado I missed that fucking truck it was perfect it was one of those big ones I think it's called the LX the SUV god damn that thing was good it was just rock-solid the way it handled in like snowy weather and the is the way it drove even though it's a big car like all the all these systems that were designed to stabilize

it around corners and stuff and you know there's adjustable suspension fascinating stuff man and the the ls which is their big flagship that's the one that's their uh their big uh you know their big sedan that thing is the first car to parks itself it parallel parks itself you know like it finds the spots have you ever seen that yeah Yeah, Ford has that also. I don't trust it at all. Yeah, I would trust the Lexus one before I would trust the Ford one. Who has the braking system too?

Lexus, right? Well, they have a lot of braking systems. Automatic braking system that you don't even have to brake. There's a lot of different cars. Are you talking about cruise control? I don't know which one it is. Smart Cruise. It's like that Smart Cruise control.

The Mondays have that. Yeah, but there are also things that recognize even when you're not on cruise control, they apply the brakes if you're getting too close to cars. Yeah. This car right here has that lane departure warning where it tells you if you'd like to go over in a lane. Yeah, that's fascinating. I have that on my SUV, and it also will slow down if there's a car in front of you. It's like a laser-guided cruise control.

So say you get on the highway. You say, okay, I'd like to go 70 miles an hour. Well, if there's a bunch of traffic, it slows you down to whatever the traffic's going, like 40, and you don't even have to put your foot on the brake. It slows you down. I mean, you have to put your foot on the brake if everything gets dead stopped, but then when the traffic picks up, it'll pick up. So it'll go back from 40, back to 60, back to 70.

That's amazing. They came up with a new Mercedes that drives itself, man. They were reporting about it in the Frankfurt Auto Show, the newest auto show. There's this guy, Chris Harris, that I always follow. He's a really funny automotive journalist. But he was there at the auto show, and they were talking about this new car that literally you're going to be able to sit in, and it's going to follow the curve of the road. It's going to brake.

It's going to accelerate, decelerate. It'll do virtually everything that a person does. So they're super close to that kind of Google technology from more than one source. I know the Google car has been real successful. They have a car that drives itself and hasn't gotten into any fucking accidents. At a certain point in time, it's gonna be like why was why should we let people drive he's like a dummy you crash into each other if you if nobody drives ever you just get in your thing and you press the button there's never gonna be

a crash again like mmm isn't that better it seems I mean I know that it's nice to be able to drive it I like driving and I know you like driving, but wouldn't it be better if we knew that no one that you love would ever die in an automobile accident again? And that's how it begins, Joey Diaz. That's how they take away your freedom. And that's how Skynet goes live. And it's all coming through Google.

Coincidence? They just bought the fucking robot company, Joey. They bought that Boston Dynamics. They're making fucking robot frogs and shit. Robot cheetahs. What's next, Joey. They bought that Boston Dynamics. They're making fucking robot frogs and shit. Robot cheetahs. What's next, Joey Diaz? The Mirage on Friday night. The Mirage, Friday night.

Ari Shafir, Brian Cowan, Joey Diaz. Anything else coming on? Brian, I know you got a gang of shit going on in Texas, right? Yeah, January 9th, Houston. January 10th, Austin. January 11th, Dallas. Where are you going to? Yeah, January 9th, Houston, January 10th, Austin, January 11th, Dallas. Where are you going to? What are the places? So people know. Yeah, it's in Houston. We're going to be

at Fitzgerald's, and we're doing a podcast before the show, and then we're having a show, me and Tony Hinchcliffe. And then in Austin, January 10th, Tiffany Haddish is joining us, and we're going to be at the Spider House Ballroom. And then January 11th, we'lldish is joining us, and we're going to be at the Spider House Ballroom. And then January 11th, we'll be at the Curtain Club in Dallas, Texas,

again with Tiffany Haddish, Tony Hinchcliffe. Good googly moogly. And this Friday night, of course, the Mirage, but then the 31st, Christmas Eve, I'm at the Melrose Improv with Tony Hinchcliffe and the lovely and talented Sam Tripoli. Should be an awesome fucking time. January 24th in Chicago. Oh, Jesus, it's going to be cold.

Me and the motherfucker Ari Shafir, we're going to have a good time. Ready for this? January 9th through the 11th, Buffalo, New York. It's going to be colder. And January 23rd to the 25th, I'm in fucking Minneapolis. I'm freezing my fucking ass. We should do comedy in Hawaii. Let's just go to Hawaii.

Hawaii is a fucking great place to go no matter what you're going to do. Duncan just got back. He was in Maui at a fucking retreat. That's how he's balling. A yoga retreat. That's how he's living. Yeah, he went to some crazy spiritual retreat

and talked about it on his podcast then met a bunch of people from the podcast that were there but he said it wasn't even weird he said it was weird at first but everybody was like so tuned in to what the retreat was actually really all about that it all turned out to be like a really positive experience could you do that could you no i could never shut up don't even put that fucking out there. Bunch of freaks show up. Dude, write your name on my ass. I'm going to get it tattooed. Settle down. Hey, man, we're all one, man.

Look, I stay after every show and I meet people. After every show, I take pictures with everybody until they're tired of taking pictures. I try to be as accessible as possible. I talk to people as much as possible. But I think those type of scenarios where you're just constantly around people like you were saying, like on a boat or something. With most of the people, like literally 90% of the people or more that you run into,

it'd be fine, but there's that 10% that don't know when to leave you alone. When you were on news radio. They don't give you any space. Did you write your own lines? Occasionally. No, it's a joke,

but that's what they'll ask you at the buffet table. That's what I say to them. Occasionally. Can we not talk about me? Joey, Jam Band and his friend Oh, it's a joke, but that's what they'll ask you at the buffet table. That's what I say to them occasionally. Can we not talk about me? Joey, Jam Band and his friend made a song with Joe with you and your blue cheese and all that stuff. Another song? I think they finished it.

Oh, the same one? Oh, you finished it. You guys should all drown. We should end the show with that? Sure. Let's do it. That's it, folks. Thanks to audible.com. Go to Sure. Let's do it. That's it, folks. Thanks to Audible.com.

Go to Audible.com forward slash Joe. Get yourself a free audiobook and 30 free days of Audible service. We love them. They're excellent. Can't say enough good things about Audible.com. They are, in fact, the shit. They also sponsor Hardcore History, which is one of my

favorite podcasts ever. So, Audible.com forward slash Joe. Get yourself a free audio book. And on it.com. That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name Rogan. Save 10% off any and all supplements. All right, you fuckers.

We'll see you soon. Merry Christmas, cocksuckers. I love you. Big kisses. Stay black, boys. Ready to do this? Okay. Yeah.

Let's get our freak on. Yo. Yo. That's the shit. Yeah. That's the shit. Yeah. That's the shit. Yeah. That's the shit.

Yeah. That's the shit. That's the shit. That's the shit. That's the shit. That's the shit. That's the shit. That's the shit.

That's the shit. That's the shit. That's the shit. That's the shit. That's the shit. That's the shit. That's the shit. That's the show, that's the show, that's the show Kittifreak, kittifreak, kittifreak, kittifreak, kittifreak, kittifreak, kittifreak All that family got, all that family got, all that family got, all that family got I like it when you touch my butt You do? That's the shit

I like it when you touch my butt You do? That's the shit I touch my butt That's the shit I like it when you touch my butt You do? That's the shit I touch my butt That's the shit I touch my butt Disgusting sir Fuck all that family guy I'm watching Spongebob That's the shit Fuck all that family guy

I'm watching Spongebob That's the shit Fuck all that family guy I'm watching Spongebob That's the shit Fuck all that family guy I'm watching Spongebob That's the shit Fuck all that family, I'm munchin' spongebob That's the shit Motherfucker listen to Pineapple That's the shit Motherfucker listen to Pineapple

That's the shit Motherfucker listen to Pineapple That's the shit Under the sea That's the shit That's the shit That's the shit That's the shit That's the shit Hey how did that free- how did that con- sh- song go? Oh yeah, that's it.