The Joe Rogan Experience - #449 - Justin Martindale

Episode Date: February 4, 2014

Justin Martindale is a stand-up comedian.

Justin Martindale's here. Oh, that's it. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Da da da da da da da da. Justin Martindale. What's up, guys? Hey, Joe, how are ya?

Good, what's crackin', dude? You know, livin' a dream. You are livin' a dream. Are you living your dream, Justin Martin? I live in my dream world, yes. Yeah. Yeah, things good. Things are good until the world ends, which is very close.

Yeah, tomorrow, apparently. Jesus. Apparently, Yellowstone's volcano has been active today. By the way, I read one website about this. Didn't verify it at all. Not only that, I don't want to verify it because what if they're wrong? And then I can't freak out for the day.

Yeah. No reason to freak out. What time is it? It's only 1220. Let's wait for a panic attack around like three, shall we? Yeah. I wonder, I'll probably have to look at some other websites and see if this is actually accurate

because I've been reading a bunch of things on Fukushima. It's kind of interesting. I was reading all about radiation and the fish and everything Fukushima it's kind of interesting like I was reading like all about radiation and fish or that but then there's a scientist that I was reading like they could have caught a halibut from right offshore from Fukushima and they tested it and it was okay to eat liars yeah my dad like owned me like I was like I wish I could go back to Japan he's like why wouldn't you go back to Japan and I'm like well you know the radiation he goes you know there's people that work around that radiation plant.

They can only work there like five days in a row, but they have to get out of there before it starts affecting them. But it's not like you're going to go over there and be shitting. No, Brian, they're mutants now. They have powers. Yeah. You don't know shit. Yeah. You're wrong.

Here's a thing about the Yellowstone thing, though. No. Is this today? This is today yeah i'm reading uh about yellowstone volcanic activity so what are they saying uh here let me there's actually okay is this the um the newest yeah yeah jesus christ huge magma pocket lurks beneath Yellowstone super volcano. Not a magma pocket. A large earthquake at Yellowstone is much more likely than a volcanic eruption, they said.

God damn it. Just let me shoot a pilot, you know? That's all I wanted. It's so close. It's supposed to be this month. Just let me hit syndication. Just let me get something. Jesus. be this month and let me hit syndication let me get something Jesus yeah 35 seismic stations send information continuously what's up with that sound the park to their lab at the University of Utah within Yellowstone is a caldera or volcano hole 50 miles across so big you can't see it from the ground. A little below the surface is a pool of molten rock called magma, as shown in this 60-minute graphic. Heat from the magma

drives Yellowstone's geysers, such as Old Faithful. Researchers used the seismic waves from earthquakes like X-rays to see the magma underground. By the way, hold on. Pause this for a second. It's two and a half times larger than... That guy fucking freaks me out just by the way he talks. Yeah, I was like, stop saying magma. Why are you talking about magma that way? Can you imagine if the guy was over your house and be like,

oh my God, I have a crazy person over my house. Look how they're talking to me. What's for dinner? This is where the volcano's going to kill us all. Mitzi wanted to make the volcano under your snow. Yeah, he's much more animated than that guy. He's like the worst fourth grade teacher ever.

Science teacher. The potential is 2,000 times the force of Mount St. Helens. This is a new study from the University of Utah. The hot molten rock between Yellowstone beneath Yellowstone is two and a half times larger than previously estimated.

Oh my god. I watched a doom and gloom documentary on Yellowstone that freaked me out about seven years ago. And now they got new findings that it's twice as bad as they thought it was. What is this? 30,000 years ago.

No one knows if or when it will erupt again. But if it does, it'll be big. Ash comes all the way to Salt Lake or Denver. Researchers think they'll see the eruption coming. We believe we'd have a bit of warning if there was going to be a volcanic eruption in Yellowstone. What, three seconds? Now you can see all of Dr. Shepeta.

I'm going, yeah, I'm going somewhere. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm going somewhere. I think Australia. That's a good one. That's the move.

That's a beautiful prison colony. They're nice people. They like to party. They're smart. I'm wondering if this happens, is it going to trigger the

big one here? That's something to think about. That doesn't matter, man. Do you understand how big this is? If this fucker blows,

from what that guy said, he said 50 miles across, but I've read that it's much larger than that. It's a super volcano, yeah. Yeah, I've read that it was like the entire base of the crater was something nutty, like 300 kilometers. Like something insane.

Apparently, if this thing blows, it kills most of the animals on the continent and it's not just going to be like an issue for people that live around yellowstone it's going to be an issue for people that live in portugal it's going to be an issue for china it's going to be an issue for the whole planet it'll cause like a giant cloud that will cover the sky and probably kill off like a lot of people and animals it's probably going to kill most people. Will it kill off gluten? It won't kill off sugar, gluten,

or kale. Yeah, you can't buy any more organic. Oh, God. There'll be no organic. Everything will be done in these things underground with light bulbs. Everything will be nuclear power. Underground people. Yeah, fake light and nuclear power. We'll all be living underground. Cave pirates.

There's a bunch of fucking people. Duncan interviewed this guy for the sci-fi show where he went and talked to this dude who's got this organized retreat underground. A doomsday lair? I think it was Utah. Yeah, I forget where it was. But Homeboy had, like, you drove into it. It was like a bomb shelter.

You drove into it with buses and you know these tunnels and then they had like oxygen machines and they were setting up like a whole colony in there where they were going to grow food this is where they're going to store their supplies this is where they were going to have their like recreation room and they were going to have a daycare there like this one dude was i i think basically thinking about like getting together a group of women and fucking them all and killing off the husbands. I'm not a cult leader. I'm just a guy with a bomb shelter.

Yeah, come on. Who doesn't have a good bomb shelter these days? Ladies, come on in. If you were right, though, dudes who wanted to be cult leaders would be so psyched for the apocalypse. Like, fuck yeah! Now I'm running shit. There's no more law. There's no more rules the

internet's down fuck yeah i can trick these dummies i can wear this eye patch and look hardcore it was hard it's hard as fuck to trick people in 2014 you know if you you go you know making some shit up and starting some new religion and then they go well let me google search this guy and you google me he's a fucking con man. That's not going to go far. But Joseph Smith was a con man. Joseph Smith was a con man and he started Mormonism. If you try to do that today, people will be like, dude, I Googled you last

night. Fuck off. That's the best response to anything. I Googled you. Dude, fuck off. I know what you're talking about. You're all bullshit, man. You can find no golden tablets. Or it's like the Branch Davidians and those guys. Well, the Waco one is really spooky because the government killed those people. Yeah, I've been there.

Yeah, I don't know if it's, I mean, I don't know if they attacked first. I don't know what the exact situation was. But I know they lied about what they did because they rode over those buildings with tanks and shot fire into those buildings. And tear gas and stuff. Yeah. You can see the videos of it. There's a thing. I think it's called Rules of Engagement.

Is that what it is? That's about, let me make sure that that's what it is. I think that's the documentary. Rules of Engagement. But it's all about Waco. It's about what the, yeah. Yeah. That's, yeah. but it's all about Waco it's about what the yeah that's yeah

but those I mean they were definitely fucking crazy people Waco the Rules of Engagement that's the name of the documentary you can find it on

it's on YouTube the full version of it is on YouTube so just google Waco W-A-C-O and if you're interested watch it

it's pretty fucking interesting man but. Um, but they, it's creepy. I've been there. They killed the fuck out of those people. Yeah. You know, they had guns and they have a, the, the foundation of the building and it says, uh, the most televised massacre in the world. And it shows it spray paints like arrows in each direction on the tablet, on the foundation where it's like, Oh, CNN was here. And you know, know fox news was here like how it was all televised for everyone to see yeah i mean that is what happened they massacred those people and they did it right in front of everybody it's really interesting i mean it was a 51 day siege and at the end of the 51 days they were like e-fuck enough yeah but it's fascinating because i can't side with that dude you know I can't side with Koresh you know he's

obviously was a cult leader he's obviously one of those charismatic weirdos that yeah was fucking all the women uh-huh he was having sex with all the women and the kids too some of the kids oh I don't know if that's true kids having kids oh Jesus Christ so I'm So I'm not saying that he was a great guy and he should still be around running his cult, but the way to handle it might not be smashing buildings with tanks and shooting fire and killing and cooking kids.

I mean, they cooked everybody. Yeah, they nuked them. Not nuked them, but... They killed everybody that was in that building. And they had tunnels down there, too. They had tunnels underground and all that, so they smoked them all out. Yeah, how many people

died at Waco? Died at Waco. Happy Tuesday. I'm going to say... How many people died? I'm going to say 100. I'll say more. I did it.

Siri, how many people died in Waco? That's what I was trying to say. I'm sorry. Who? What? Stop creeping me out, Joe Rogan. 76.

Oh, 76? Yeah, that's a lot of fucking people. I thought more, yeah. Do you imagine 76 bodies stacked up on top of each other? No, not really. Man. That is crazy. The ATF failed to raid the compound, so the FBI jumped in.

So apparently they had been shooting back and forth at each other. Yeah, I remember that. Oh, God. I remember seeing that in the windows and stuff. You can't shoot at the cops, dummy. Yeah. In my culture, Ken. I mean, there's a certain amount of bullshit that they're not going to tolerate.

You can't shoot at cops. Where did we go wrong? That's where they fucking roll over your buildings with tanks. That's when they did that. It's interesting because I had seen, like, Bill Hicks used to have a bit on it, you know, about the United States were liars and murderers because you could watch the video of them rolling tanks

through these buildings and blowing fire out of the end of the tanks and it wasn't like a funny bit it was more like you know he had some bits that were really just sort of uh he was showing you like like like this is what you're dealing with these are the kind of thugs you're dealing with yeah they they blew fire but then you look at the other side and you know well they're shooting at cops. They're fucking kids. The guy plays a really shitty guitar. They just like to party, you know? He's banging everybody's wife, and he's got guns, and he shoots at cops.

And they're like, oh. Oh, right, yeah. Okay, run him over. All right, what about the kids? These kids are going to grow up to be assholes. Good point. Little inbred misfit fraggles. Have you ever seen him sing? Pull up David Koresh. David K sing? Pull up David Koresh.

David Koresh singing. David Koresh. David Koresh sings the blues. An all new time life classic. Let's see if you can see yourself. The worst moments of your life. Could you see yourself falling for any of this bullshit? Now that's what I call Koresh.

I just want him to have like an album release party. Put aside what you know or think you know about David Koresh. Listen to his words recorded just before his death. No. And the death of his entire family. Oh, they have a video of him Hmm how many of us have said the same thing pull this up David Koresh tells the truth about Waco

this is a video of them right before the Fed stormed the building and cooked everybody It was the most entertaining thing Waco has ever seen I'm sure well You know a lot of people went down there when the standoff was going on, and they were, like, hanging out with the cops, like, watching. Yeah, it was a spectacle. Which is fucking really odd, especially when you find out how it turned out. Yeah.

Like, that's really odd. What you're actually watching. You got it? Is it called, again, David Koresh? David Koresh tells the truth about Waco. Oh, okay. You got it? David Koresh. David Koresh tells the truth about Waco.

It's him inside the Branch Davidian. I mean, it's really creepy. Because I think he'd already been shot by the time they did this. Listen to his words recorded just before his death. And the death of his entire family. Jesus, so dramatic. How many of us have said the same thing? You know, it's not against the law to buy a firearm.

It's not against the law to buy anything that they sell at a gun show. And when this is all resolved, you know, hey, yellow sheet is legal. The accusation is not. I can't listen to it. I tell you what, being an American first, I'm the kind of guy that I'll stand in front of a tank. You can run over me, but I'll be biting one of the tracks. No one's going to hurt me or my family. That's American policy here.

He's awesome. Any day as I jog up and down this road, you could have arrested me going to town or going to Walmart. Walmart? Waco is going to bear witness against the ATF. The two agents across the street over here, Robert Gonzalez, I love the guy. I was honest with him.

I brought him into my home. He was going to stay here for two weeks. All this stuff you guys may want to avoid and deny. You know? You know, he wanted to tour around the place. I promised him a tour. He could have talked to any of these guys around here, anybody.

He was free to come and go as he chose. And I do not appreciate it and never will I ever appreciate somebody coming here with two helicopters and cattle trailers and all that and pushing people around with guns. I'll meet you at the doorstep any day, you know, and somebody will get hurt. If you want to keep playing that game, I'm talking to you. Somebody's going to get hurt. Because this ain't America anymore when the ATF has that kind of power to come into anybody's home and kick doors down and things like that. You know, I do understand.

Someone reminded me of this. I do understand that one of the officers says his gun went off on accident. And that, you know, that was just like a signal and all that, you know. But look, besides the point, APF, you boys are wrong. Your practices, your habits, yeah. Drug dealers, fine. You know, but even there's always a question, if there's any question whatsoever, that kids or women are involved, damn you, I tell you what, you keep your damn gun in your holster. to where they can risk their lives for the name of the wall and send them up bulletproof, put them in some kind of night armor or whatever, and let them knock on the door and ask the questions first. But no one's going to expect me, when they come busting in on my door

with guns drawn and pointed in the air, and someone fires me, that I'm going to lay down and die for anybody. This just ain't going to happen in this country. You know what's fucked is like part of what he's saying, like you shouldn't come in to people's houses if you have any questions with guns drawn, if there's women and children. He's like, that makes a good point. Yeah. Like why not wear like a bulletproof outfit? Yeah.

Wouldn't that be like a more, you know, have a bunch of people with bulletproof outfits. Don't storm into the house with fucking guns. With kids and whatever. Look, he's obviously a redneck. He's Kenny Powers. Yeah, he looks, yeah, he definitely loves Walmart. He's Kenny Powers. Yeah, he gets his.

He's the Kenny Powers evangelist. But here's the question, man. Okay, what if a guy, let's say there's some guy, some slick talking guy, and he finds some sad girls, and the two girls live with him, and he has this harem of these two girls, his two girlfriends. He takes them everywhere, and they make a show of it Hugh Hefner style. Yeah. He's kissing them all out in public. All right. That's okay?

Hold on a second. I think you pitched a show for Bravo right now. I think that's actually really good. Is it a new show? This guy moves in with two girls. They're lost. They're lost and sad. They can't afford food. good. Is it a new show? This guy moves in with two girls. They're lost. They're lost and sad. They can't afford food. So this guy gets to fuck both of them.

Erases their memories. What I'm saying is, when does it become a cult? If you've got two gals, that's okay. Everybody's like, well, it's just an eccentric lifestyle. It's polyamorous, right? That's what they call it, polyamorous? What if you have 30 of them, and it's you and your five friends,

and you all swap wives, and you live in a place, and you're gun enthusiasts? Then you're getting into the learning channel right now. That's exactly what that is. All you think about is TV, dude. I mean, I'm thinking shows, and I'm like, dollar signs, Joe. We've got two days to live before the magma piles up on our bodies. Money's not worth anything anymore. You need bitcoins.

I don't know. That is an interesting thing. It's like the – God, where is that? We were driving by that place. It is like a Mormon or one of those big love plots where everything's boarded up and they have no outlet to society. Like, I just, when do you go, hmm, this sounds like a great idea? As long as it's old, it's okay.

It can be very cult-like. It can be like the Amish, where they're like... Quakers. Yeah, they wear their own... That's fine. Quakers are fine. As long as it's old. Yeah, but if it's, like, creepy... Well, no.

Amish are creepy. Well, you know... They don't even use electricity. That's creepy as fuck. But they make their own butter. That's so cute. That is kind of cute. It's kind of cute.

Their outfits are ridiculous. Yeah, it's really dumb. Massive restriction on their activities. But they've been around a long time, so it's okay. Yeah. But if like Justin Martindale decided to start the Martindales, and this is your new religion, the religion of the Martindales. The Martindalians yeah

dress up like they're a band member in devo you know you fucking have like a bunch of specific shit you make them all do and everyone lives in this gated community fucking feds would come and knock on your door what where are you getting the ecstasy what ecstasy what are you talking about i'm just grinding my teeth i love it what the fuck is going on yeah i'm hydrated who are you i pay taxes get the fuck off me. Next thing you know, you'd be getting arrested. You'd be having too much fun. But if it was just you living with a couple of dudes, partying it up all the time, no

one would say shit. If three guys share a house and they just have parties all the time and they like to go dancing and they like to eat and go drink and bring people home and have more parties, nobody gives a fuck. Yeah, that's just called Palm Springs. Exactly. That's a house. It's fine.

There's nothing wrong with it as long as your neighbors don't freak the fuck out. Once the neighbors freak out. But if you have 50 guys and they all lived in these five houses that you had fenced in, that would be a real issue. There's 10 guys in each house and they grow their own food. Oh, fuck. Oh, that's weird. Oh, house, and they're all, they grow their own food. Oh, fuck. Oh, that's weird. Oh, these fucks.

They have solar backups. They have generators. They seem to be digging a well. Oh, we've got to fucking stop this. Say it's high American. What are they trying to do? Are you trying to get off the grid? Huh?

What are you doing over here, you fucks? Trying to be self-sustaining? Growing their own weed? Oh, no. Probably. That's what everybody looks for. That's what everyone's doing these days. There's a great story about these CIA agents that got arrested because the DEA thought that they were growing weed and they were actually growing tomatoes.

That's funny. Because they go by their house with those scanners. Oh. To pick up the scent or something? No, the scanner. They have those in Denver now. Oh. But apparently they're being ruled unconstitutional or there's some sort of a dispute about them.

No, these are some things they use outside to find out how much electricity the house is using. Oh, I see. If you have a series of glow lights or grow lights, rather, it'll give off a very specific signal outside the house. They can find out if you're growing things. So they knew these guys were growing things

so they came in, broke in their house and found out they have fucking tomatoes. They were using those lights for the tomato plants. Yeah. People are just so bored now.

Who's growing weed? Yeah. I'll pull up the story because it's so fucking stupid. It hurts your brain. That would be amazing to be those people. They're like,

they're tomatoes. Yeah, they have fucking... What are you doing? And it happens all the time, by the way. There's a bunch of stories online. You can find them all over the place where people are busted from growing tomatoes. My sister, my brother-in-law

was growing tomatoes in the basement. I mean, people do it all the time, especially on the East Coast. You have a piece of your basement, you set up some lights, you can have food. I mean, people do it all the time, especially on the East Coast. You have a piece of your basement, you set up some lights, you can have food. Why wouldn't you do it? But this is a funny fucking story because it's two former CIA employees,

and they're in Kansas, and their home was broken down and searched for a two-state drug sweep claim. They were illegal. That's hilarious. Wait, so they were ex-CIA and homeless? No, what are you talking about? I thought you said homeless.

No, no, no. Their home was. Oh, homeless. Their home was invaded. I was like, these are just homeless people invading someone's house. This is how stupid this idea of the drug war is and this war on plants. Their operation, the operation was operation

constant gardener yeah the operation constant gardener yeah people are growing plants is it okay to grow things no no it's not stop creating life no it's not we decide it's not operation home and garden so we will we will most think about all the different things you can grow that aren't illegal. Okay? And then if you're growing something, we assume it's illegal and we have the right to break down your fucking door. We've lost a lot of rights, folks. We've lost a lot of rights. That's really weird.

It's really weird. I mean, these dummies are doing this to ex-CIA agents. God. We found plants. Tomatoes. Yeah. It's fucking stupid, man. It's a stupid, stupid, stupid situation.

Yeah. Fucking dumbasses. That's why I used to grow my weed underneath my water bed, like the floor underneath it. Of course you did. It doesn't matter. You'd still find it. There's not enough room. You'd have the shittiest weed ever.

It's much farts, too. Waterbeds and farts. Waterbeds and farts. I always liked the way waterbeds smelled, though. They're weird to sleep in, man, because they're like a womb. I have them when I lived in Boston. They're bad for fucking, though. The only way you

get a good fuck on in a waterbed is you got to get in a corner that makes sense brace your legs one leg on each side and you gotta you gotta figure out how to ride that arch going sloshing yeah this is gonna be a lot of sloshing even if you have those waterbeds that have baffles in them like a lot of them have baffles in them so so they only wiggle a little. It's not quite the same. Once you get a good fuck on and a real solid bed, like a Tempur-Pedic, one that's got a good fucking give to it. Is there Tempur-Pedic water beds? No, there's Tempur-Pedic beds.

Regular beds. You don't even pay attention to anything. You're thinking about pilots. No, I don't. You're thinking about putting together shows. No, because that would be amazing. That would be the best bed ever, because I'm thinking water beds are the most uncomfortable beds ever. No, they're not. No, they're not. Yeah, they are. Awesome. I had a bad water bed. That was just me then.

Well, uncomfortable to you. How about that? Yeah. Was it one of those ones where you sink right to the middle? Yeah. Yeah, those are the problems. Yeah.

That's what we were talking about, like baffles. You know, baffles meaning there's a bunch of different compartments. It's still a water bed, but there's many different compartments,

not just one big one that wiggles around. There's like, you know, hundreds of them. So you sit in it and you would just wiggle just sort of a tiny wiggles around. There's like hundreds of them. So you sit in it and you would just wiggle just sort of a tiny little bit. Kind of a small wiggle. Yeah, just a tiny little bit. But the heat off of the waterbed is what's fascinating because it gives you this weird

like deep sleep feeling like you're in a womb. Like in the, yeah, in utero. But I fucked up once and my heater stopped or something. I don't remember. It was a long time ago. But you get so fucking cold. If you're sleeping over a waterbed and the heater breaks, you could get hypothermia or something. Titanic shit.

Yeah. It fucking, you freeze your dick off. I'm sitting there going, I can't believe how fucking cold this is. I thought I'd be fine. I didn't realize that, no, the water is going to, like, suck the heat out of your body. It's not like it's not warm anymore. You just wake up blue if you wake up. It's not like a mattress.

Like, a mattress is the temperature of the room, and that's fine. But you can't have a waterbed the temperature of the room. The waterbed is 70 degrees. You're fucked. Yeah, yeah. I want a warm bed. I need a warm bed. I thought about it.

My waterbed popped. My cat ended up popping mine, and I woke up into the water. I was with the girl, and all the water just started coming up. That's a weird way to wake up. You're like, are you peeing on me? Fucking cats. Silly cat. I popped a waterbed once.

That's a disaster, man. It's a disaster, and you've got to fucking do something quick, because the apartment is going to fill up with water, and it's going to go through the floor, and if you're above somebody, you're there for Oh shit. Were you, were you above someone? No, I was, I mean, I was above someone, but it didn't get that bad. I took care of it before it went crazy. That's scary. I don't even remember how, I don't remember what the process of draining it was. It's like attach a hose and get the hose and carry it to the sink and then siphon it and

pour it in or something. I don't even remember the full boat of issues. But I remember when I got a regular bed after that, I was like, fuck waterbeds, man. This is what a bed's supposed to be like. Silly goddamn gimmick bed. Do they still make waterbeds? Of course they do. They do?

I don't know anybody. I'm going to Google dope waterbeds. Just go to waterbeds and stuff. Yeah, they have those ones with fish in them now and shit. Yeah, that's ridiculous. Bunch of fucking fish shitting over your head. Dope waterbeds. Dopewaterbeds.com.

Doesn't have much. Waterbeds and stuff has it. Alternative to waterbeds. Hmm. Waterbed suggestions. Waterbeds still making waves in Google News. Oh, that was clever how they said that. Waterbeds still making waves.

On my recent trip to Florida. Of course, Florida. I picked up the Sarasota Herald Tribune one day and started to flip through it. I stopped at a... Shut the fuck up. You're boring the piss out of me, shitty writer. Fucking dummy. What if it was the guy who was narrating the magma thing?

He was like, I bought this water bed. There's a guy named Waterbed who's on Twitter or a Tumblr. Oh, it's Water beds on tumbler. Yeah, so they still make them. And they have what you were talking about, Justin, what it looks like with the foam on top. Yeah, the Tempur-Pedic. Oh, shit. Yeah.

But see how it has all those layers to it? Yeah. That's how they do it these days. Just like the Earth's crust. Oh, no. Back to Yellowstone. We're going to die. That does look like water beds and magma.

Dude, what if this shit is, like, awesome now? We should try it. I would like to try one out. I want to try. That does look like waterbeds and magma. Dude, what if this shit is like awesome now? We should try, I would like to try one out. I want to try a Tempur-Pedic waterbed. It's like sleeping in like a little

like hot pocket, like a little sandwich. That probably would be pretty good. Yeah. It's the warmth of the waterbed that's really awesome.

Yeah. Especially when you live in a cold place, which I was in Chicago one weekend and then New York last weekend. God damn, you appreciate LA when you get back from that.

You're like, isn't it amazing what we don't have to deal with? Yeah. You don't have to like freeze or eat your grandma's butt, you know? But here's the thing. You're eating your grandma's butt with a spoon, like those fucking poor people in that movie. Well, she's dead. Nom, nom, nom. I remember that movie where they were trapped in the mountains and they ate it with a spoon.

Alive. It was the soccer team, wasn't it? Just ass cheeks out with a spoon and ate it. Hey, times are tough. You got to eat that ass. You got to do what you got to do. It's a good movie. You know the thing about those warm climates, though, as opposed to cold climates?

Cold climates develop cooler people. God damn it. I hate saying it, but it's fucking true. cold climates develop cooler people god damn it i hate saying it but it's fucking true there's something about those cold climates that like people they develop more character yeah well it it kind of makes them human like they're all in it together they all know it sucks yeah so they're like why are we gonna yeah it's like here i think it's warm it's always nice so i think people just numb to it everyone's just just a dick. Everyone's just an asshole. I think we live in a very

medicated city, too. I don't know what the actual numbers are. I smoke weed everywhere I go. Not that way, man. The other kind. That's the good medicated. I'm such a hypocrite. I'm like, people are just doing drugs all the time. Everywhere. They're just doing all these paraphernalias.

They're all just escaping reality. Oh, everyone. Bunch of weak bitches. Each and every one of them. You're talking pills. There's fucking people are weak, dude. They can't do it in reality. Everyone's just trying to escape. This is Xanax

and antidepressant city. Game on. Let's go. It's Xanax and antidepressant city Okay, game on Let's go It's a Xanax and antidepressant culture We need a little snow to shovel, wouldn't hurt any of us It's one of those things where I hear that every day I hear Xanax or I hear Valium or I hear, what's the upper one? Methese.

Huh? Methese. Adderall. Adderall, that one. I like a really good game of crazy or on meth. I think that's a good street game I play with myself. You just see people now who are just like, and you're just like, what is going on?

And then you're like, oh, they're on meth. I'm seeing a lot of women on meth now lately. Really? Uh-huh. Like young girls, especially on Sunset. Who starts meth in 2014? Amateurs. Who's like?

People that can't afford cocaine. Is that what it is? Or is it people like, man, I don't believe the hype. I don't know. I mean, there was a story on it. There's a guy in Hollywood who does a thing like it's a Hollywood Night Angel program or something. Because a lot of kids in Hollywood who move out here and they're homeless and their dreams aren't working out, whatever. They just start doing it.

And this guy goes around and helps them, gives them shoes, all that kind of stuff. It's a huge epidemic in Hollywood. just start doing it and like this guy goes around and helps him gives him shoes all that kind of stuff but he's like it's a huge epidemic in Hollywood and I think I'm pretty sure everywhere else but I could never

I could never do that I could never do that or heroin or any of that stuff it's a huge epidemic all over the country meth is meth is a big one

it's a weird one too because it's kind of like universally accepted as being bad but yet it's a weird one too because it's kind of like universally accepted as being bad mm-hmm but yet it's everywhere yeah it's a you had a show about it you know it's like kind of glorifying it in a weird way almost right it was a little bit like it was a great show don't say like yeah but I mean love that in order to make an effective piece of fiction yeah you kind of got to make it a little crazy and exciting.

But the weird thing about meth is it's so goddamn popular that they decided to make, like, fake versions of meth and call them bath salts and sell that. I mean. Is that still a thing? Fuck yeah, it's still a thing. Bath salts are? Yes. Huh.

You know why? Because there's so many different ways they can sell things. They can change so many different aspects of whatever the illegal drug is. Like add an oxygen molecule, add phosphorus or whatever the fuck. It's like a cocktail kind of thing. Yeah, they can add things and twist things. Like say if, you know, you have a very specific drug. Like you have a new thing that you created called Donk.

You know, oh man, the dudes are doing Donk, man. Donk fucks you up. And Donk is, you know. you created called Donk. Oh, man, the dudes are doing Donk, man. Donk fucks you up. And Donk is whatever the chemical composition for Donk is. If they just add, and then the government makes Donk illegal. If you just add an oxygen molecule to Donk, even though it still fucks you up beyond repair, it's not Donk anymore. Because now it's got this other thing. So chemically speaking, it's a different thing. It's dank.

So it becomes legal. And then you say not for human consumption and you sell it like bath salts. So that's essentially what they did. A donk. But bath salts aren't over the counter though, right? You have to. Yes. They are over the counter?

They used to sell them at gas stations. What? Used to be able to buy them at 7-Elevens. No, I shouldn't say 7-Elevens. I should say convenience stores. I don't know if, I don't think actual, matter to be able to buy them at 7-Elevens. I shouldn't say 7-Elevens. I should say convenience stores. I don't know if... I don't think actual... Matter of fact, I'm pretty sure 7-Eleven never came out.

Wait, is this... Convenience stores, like head shops. That synthesized stuff? No. No, what you're thinking of is... I don't know if you're thinking of the synthesized... You're thinking about fake weed? Yeah, it's fake weed, right?

No, no, no. Fake weed is just fake weed. It's just glass. And there it's fake weed, right? No, no, no. Fake weed is just fake weed. It's just glass. And there's some fake weed that has like some psychoactive effect, apparently, but it doesn't feel like weed and it's really shitty,

like spice or whatever the fuck that stuff is. Yeah, fake weed is horrible. It's terrible. Like a lot of hospitals are getting filled from people taking it. Because you can like, it messes with your head. I've taken some fake weed before.

Meanwhile, by the way, there's a fucking story that's on the internet about a woman in the uk that died from cannabis poisoning but oh shit the idea that she's the first person to ever die from weed ever and the i don't know what fucking newspaper it's like the daily mail here i'll pull it up woman dies from weed yeah supposedly she she overdosed but you can't do that yeah it's not possible she overdosed on where is she in canada how old was she she was younger she was cute and uh yeah they didn't find much much in her system though or something well it's not true she had a heart attack yeah she just had

she had a moderate doses of marijuana in her system and she had a heart attack it's not that weed killed her who knows what killed her she heart attack. It's not that weed killed her. Who knows what killed her? She could have had some sort of an issue with her heart. You know, who knows what it was. But marijuana takes the Ls. When they test a drug, like say if it's acid or LSD or, you know, mushrooms or MDMA, they have a thing called the LD50. And the LD50 is lethal dose for 50% of the population.

So say if they gave all of us in this room, you know, 1,000 milligrams, whatever the fuck it is, if it kills two of us, that's LD50. That's the dosage that, like, 50% of the people

are going to fucking die. This is pretty bad stuff. It doesn't kill everybody. Like, you probably give Joey Diaz enough to kill all of us combined, and he would survive. It doesn't work on everybody. Phoenix out of the ashes.

But if you gave little Esther half of what would kill us, it would kill her. A cookie. So lethal dose at 50% of the population. For marijuana, it's 1,500 pounds. Stop and think about that. That's a lot. That's a lot. That's a ridiculous amount. Let's make sure that I'm correct about that. LD-50 of marijuana. That's a lot That's a ridiculous amount

Let's make sure that I'm correct about that LD50 of marijuana So do you think it's this one corner Or whatever Just being a retard Or do you think they're trying to push something They're just trying to make up a legalization point No it's just a story

Now why am I picturing this girl naked in the snow Is that I don't know, like Would she smoke and like wander out Into the field and die? Or like, where was she, in her apartment? Where was she? Listen to this, a smoker, okay In order, a marijuana smoker

Would have to consume 20,000 to 40,000 times As much marijuana As is contained in one marijuana cigarette. Bullshit Canada. Yeah. Regular marijuana cigarette has approximately 0.9 grams. Smoker would theoretically have to consume nearly 1,500 pounds of marijuana within 15 minutes to produce a lethal response.

It's 1 o'clock now. Should we start? I can't. I have shit to do today. I'm busy. That's an all-day experience. God. One thing you can't do is smoke 1,500 pounds of marijuana and then get shit done.

Yeah, right? You'd just be on Facebook all life. Just do one pound of marijuana. What's fucked is that you could smoke 1,300 pounds of marijuana in 15 minutes. It'd be fine. That's what everyone's missing here. If the LD50 is 1,500 pounds,

we could probably, each one of us, smoke 1,000 pounds safely. We would shut down every Carl's Jr. Oh my god, you would shut down every cell in your body. You would probably transcend space and time and become a god. You probably would. You would be David Koresh. You would probably have a whole new perspective on all these guys.

Time travel. They were just a little off. They were a little off. The fucking, the guys who cut their dicks off down in San Diego with the purple sneakers on. Remember those guys? The Kool-Aid guys? Just a little off. No, no, no San Diego with the purple sneakers on. Remember those guys? Yeah, the Kool-Aid guys. Just don't run them off. No, no, no.

Those were the South American guys. Oh. Wrong guys. Where was David Koresh? No, Jim Jones was in Guyana, right? Jonesboro. Guyana tragedy? Yeah.

Jonestown. Jonestown. Yeah. I think that was Guyana, which is South America, right? Guyana? Isn't it? Either way, 1,500 pounds. So shut the fuck up.

Yeah, that's ridiculous. All those people that said that it was the woman died of cannabis poisoning. She did not. She died a fool. And you know that had to hit every single local news station. Of course. So all your moms and everyone thinks that. Look, there's a girl.

Do you want to be number two? Do you want to be the second child to die and leave your mother childless? I raised you. You called me from another dimension. I brought you into this existence and I didn't do it so you could be a fucking pothead. You called me from another dimension. You're coming with mama to church. Come on, let's pray.

Let's pray. My lips are vibrating. I want to cry. It makes my lips itch. There's so many dumb fucks in this world. Whoever put that story out, every one of them should be sued. You should be sued for fraud. You should be sued for misrepresenting the facts.

You should be sued. You shouldn'ting the facts. You should be sued. Actually, you shouldn't really be sued. Someone should yell at you, though. I don't want anybody sued. I don't want anybody being dragged to the legal system, even for something that's stupid. But it is dumb as fuck. There are dumb people. Remember that fire a week ago? The one over in... Yes. Where was it? Near Glendora.

Yeah. Yeah. So this is my favorite dumb story for the past week. I was outside and I was like, oh, look at the sky, because it was turning the sky pink. It was kind of really nice. And this girl was like, what's going on with the sky? And I was like, oh, there's a fire in Glendora.

She's like, oh, oh, I thought it was like another sunrise. And I was like, what? I just looked at her. I was like, what? She's like, yeah, I thought the sun was rising again. I'm like, yeah, because we live on Pandora. You dumb, dumb bitch. God, I've never wanted to just rip out a throat and just say fatality, you know, more in my life.

There's a problem with the world is that you making fun of this one girl. Someone could say, Justin Martindale, you hate women. I don't hate women. You hate women. I love women. I adore women. I am women. I adore women. I am America's gay best friend. Isn't that a tricky thing, though?

Isn't that a tricky thing? Like, if you bash any woman. Oh, I've been told on stage that they're like, oh, you just have woman issues. I'm like, no, I don't. I love women. Dumb bitch issues. I think anybody can be a dumb bitch, though.

Fuck yeah. Yeah. Or a dumb cunt. There you go. If you make fun of men, nobody ever accuses you of hating men. Isn't that a weird thing? No one- You can make fun of the dumbest fucking guys ever. Yeah.

No one assumes you're talking about the entire gender. Yeah. But if you talk about- I think everybody just knows that guys are stupid. Guys are stupid. Women are stupid. Everyone is stupid. Can we all just be on board and be stupid?

Yeah, most of us are stupid a good chunk of the time. There's plenty of evidence of me being stupid just online. You can find it. It's there. I don't know. Maybe it's just like an L.A. thing. I find myself around town, and I listen to what people are talking about.

Someone will say something and I'm very vocal about it. I'll just look and just be like, ugh. What's wrong with you? God. That's a stereotypical bitchy gay guy. No, but it's not bitchy.

That's not bitchy? I'm an intelligent. What's wrong with you? But it is. Bitchy defined. You sound like Ari. Ari's my friend. Ari's the same way.

He's like, you were such a bitch. He's like, oh, you're just such a... You just don't want to look at yourself objectively. No, I do. I do it every day. Maybe that's a little bitchy. I can be a little bitchy, but when somebody says something stupid,

I'm going to call it out. I don't know. I think I'm just being very blunt. If that makes me bitchy, then fine. Well, it's a good thing to do occasionally, but it's also a good thing to call it out. I don't know. I think I'm just being very blunt. If that makes me bitchy, then fine. It's a good thing to do occasionally, but it's also a good thing to just internalize and laugh at. I do that too. You can have two different reactions.

You can be around someone who's saying really annoying shit and just focus on it and get fucking crazy and go, Jesus Christ. Or you can just go... Sometimes I'll sit back and laugh at it just because it is pretty amazing. Yeah. Human folly is some of the funniest shit.

It's been around forever. We were talking about Kenny Powers yesterday, how funny that character is because it's so subtle and close to reality. I mean, almost David Koresh life in a way. That's one of the reasons why it's so funny because human, like, hubris and folly, it's like, and people be just being dumbasses. It's some of the most

amusing stuff for us because we can relate. Yeah. Well, I think especially now with, like, technology,

I just think everyone's just a little brain dead inside now. You know, it's like, everyone's on their phones, everyone's, you know,

I look around, I'll go to a restaurant or something and i'll see like a whole family on their phone and it just blows my mind i'm just like wow i'll see kids i'll see like three-year-olds with ipads and iphone fives and stuff and i'm just like whoa did you see that history and pictures thing uh that was uh going around the internet a couple of days ago of all the people on the train with the newspapers in front of them

yeah that was amazing wasn't it beautiful beautiful the caption was something like technology is making us anti-social and then it showed all these people from like the black and white 1930s and everyone's got a paper in front of their face and now it's everyone's got a phone and how fucked must it have been back then to get your news from some stupid piece of paper that William Randolph Hearst edited? That's how marijuana became illegal in the first place. Because William Randolph Hearst got a hold of this idea to stop marijuana, stop hemp production from being made after they invented the thing called the decorticator. William Randolph Hearst, who ran the fucking newspapers. These people right here, they're probably reading 80% bullshit.

They're like, hmm, well, the New York Times today, I read it so hard to get information back then. I read it for Beto Bailey. Those fucking awful cartoons. Remember how bad? Like the Dark Knight or whatever? They were so unfunny. Which one, like Family Circus?

Like the funny pages? Oh, yeah. You would read them and go, this is dog shit. There's never been a worse version of the comedy arts. There's never been a worse depiction of the comedy arts manifested in a final product than cartoons. The funny pages. Like Annie and Kathy. Remember Kathy?

I'm fat and lonely. Doonesbury. Doonesbury fucking sucked. What was the one? People were like, oh, you gotta watch Doonesbury. Get the fuck out of here. What are you talking about? Who's bitchy now? You can't make it funny. You can't do it. Every now and then,

you know when they were funny? It was funny when he was making fun of Hunter S. Thompson in like the 70s. Or like Marmaduke. Yeah, Marmaduke. Get the fuck out of here with Marmaduke. Somebody didn't just pay for Marmaduke. Somebody made millions off of Marmaduke. Marmadukey. What was that one?

I loved The Far Side, though. The Far Side was great. The Far Side was pretty good. Calvin and Hobbes was kind of, I kind of got into that one. What was the one with the guy with the glasses? Predator. Dexter glasses? Predator. Dexter. No, sexual predator.

No, a famous one. God damn it. I know what you're talking about. Gilbert? Dilbert? Dilbert. Yeah, Dilbert. Scott, what was his name?

He like worked in the office. I never read that. He did an episode of News Radio, the guy who was the creator of Dilbert. He was the little fat guy, right, with the glasses? Yes, the character. I don't know why I'm doing this. Yeah, why'd you do this?

This is what he looked like. He was like a little Humpty Dumpty, yeah. He's a DJ. He's a double turntable mixer. Do you like DJs, Joe? I don't really like electronic music that much. It's not really my thing. I know the gays are really into electronic music. No, don't, no.

You're just pinning us up You're putting us in a category Point Garfield No but they were saying that Have you ever done poppers? Yes I have Like a lot of them? No

Why did you do poppers? Cause you gotta try shit That's a gay thing right? No it's a thing Straight guys don't do poppers You know what it is though? It's like It's just Well they don't? Just jal it's a thing. Straight guys don't do poppers. You know what it is, though? It's like, it's just, well, they don't?

Just jalapeno. Yeah, I do jalapeno poppers. Just jalapeno poppers. For people who don't understand what you're talking about, for non-drug users, poppers are alien. I'm not a junkie now. No, but he's saying poppers like everybody knows what the fuck poppers are.

You got to explain to people. Well, it's like, well, pretty much what it is, it's a VCR head cleaner. And it's like, if you go into any shop, like a sex shop or like a, like, yeah, like if you go into like, I won't even say, I don't know if I can name businesses, but like any sort of like novelty sex store

or something like that, they will have, at the very front case, they'll have these little vials and sometimes they'll be like, Oh, VCR cleaner. Because we all know we all still own VCRs. Um, so it's bath salts. No, it's not bath salts, but it's the same sort of a thing where you make something illegal cause you say it's not for, right. Absolutely. Yes, yes, yes. It's like, yeah, it's a cleaner or sometimes it'll have like a nickname to it like jungle juice or, you know, something stupid

and what it is is like I've done it, I did it like once or twice but it's one of those things where it's like you do it and it's like this crazy head rush and your body just gets like really, really hot and it only lasts for like 10 seconds. I compare it to like Whippets.

If you've ever done Whippets, it's like that. Okay, so is this actual amyl nitrate, or is this just some other kind of head rush that you're getting? They say it loosens up your butt, and I don't know about that because I'm a top. You have very specific rules. Do you start out a top, or is it like you're an open mic-er, you work your way up to being a middle act?

Dude, I'm topping tonight. Oh, badass. I got a tight 30. A tight 30. No, I don't know. I just don't like things up my butt. But some dudes do. Yeah, some do. And that's what I don't know. I just don't like things up my butt. But some dudes do. Yeah, some do.

And that's what I'm there for. That's what it's all about. Life is all about finding people who want what you need to give them. Yeah. That's what life is all about. Yeah, I help people out. My friend Chuck, he had this girl that he was dating, and all she wanted to do was suck his dick.

Yeah. And I was like, it's a dude. You probably have a dude that's pretending to be a girl. He's like, no, man. I mean, we had sex a couple times. He goes, but her favorite thing was to just suck my dick. Yeah. And I was like, that's so weird.

He goes, yeah. After a while, I was kind of like, come on, let's have sex. She's like, no, no, no. I just want to suck your dick. And I was like, did her pussy smell or something? He's like, no, no, no. She goes, she was just weird. She said she got more satisfaction out of sucking dick than she did out of

actually having sex. we're all crazy bitches. There's weirdos out there like that. There's so many. I mean, have you ever talked to Dan Savage? Dan Savage? Yeah.

No, I know who he is though. Yeah, I mean, I love that guy to death. I would just love- He's like a sex advice guy, right?

He's just the coolest dude ever. I mean, I would love to just like sit down with him and just brunch. Just be like, because I think he's one of those guys who takes it to that next level. What's, I don't, I'm not really familiar with him. I just know his name. Like, the whole, like, gay rights.

He's, like, a huge, like, he's the it gets better guy. Like, he, you know, he's, like, a big campaign for, like, the LGBT movement and, like, equality. And he's just one of those guys he's the guy who like coined uh santorum rick santorum when he was an asshole or whatever he he he compared santorum to like a frothy anal leakage whatever and so everyone like he coined the phrase santorum and named it after rick santorum like that kind of stuff i was like i love that stuff that santorum guy a lot of people i went after that stuff. That Santorum guy, a lot of people, I went after that guy.

Yeah. There's just so many of them. Did you see the whole, like the Coca-Cola thing? Did you, the Super Bowl commercial with that? What? What are you talking about? They did the Super Bowl commercial where they played America the Beautiful

and they sang America the Beautiful and did it in different languages. They did it in Spanish. They did it in like Hindu. They did it in Spanish. They did it in Hindu. They did it in all these different languages because that's what America is. And you get all these crazy people who are just like, this is my country.

I'm drinking Pepsi now. Hashtag fuck Coke. Yeah. I actually did see that. It's embarrassing. I mean, I'm just like, you have all these people. And then there was like a gay couple in the commercial, and everyone's like, oh, I'm not drinking that fag coke now.

It's like, God. But that's what I was going to say. It's interesting. You threw those together, and you're right to do so. It's like it's all intolerance. It's all intolerance and ignorance. Yeah. The language intolerance is just as bad as the homophobia.

It's just as bad as the racism. It's just as bad as the homophobia is just as bad as the racism is just as bad as the nationalism. absolutely. It's just dumbasses. Yeah. Yeah.

You're right to throw them in together. That's an important distinction because it really is the same. It's just idiots. It's really the same. What was the, there was something else too.

My country, you ain't allowed to speak no Espanol. Oh, it just pissed me off that whole the whole Grammys wedding to that whole thing actually knew one of the guys in the who got married at the Grammys I don't know what you're talking about they there was like they did the Macklemore same love song for the

Grammys and like Queen Latifah came out on stage like she actually just walked out she didn't like come out but she came out on says like she actually just walked out she didn't like come out but um she came out on stage and she is a minister and um she married like 32 couples gay and straight it was just marriage just supporting equality and love and then you know it was actually really nice you just had like cuts to like who was it i'm trying to remember who it was oh it was like keith urban just crying just bawling and i was like oh look at him look at that little guy and um immediately to twitter they were like oh the grammys were great until the fags got married i'm like my god do you not like what's wrong with you like who

cares is it bothering you that much that you have to take it to Twitter and hope that someone, and now Twitter's doing it too. And I think social media too, they're taking like the most offensive tweets from people and like displaying them, like showing the ignorance. It's like that lady who went in. Who's doing that? There's just like websites and stuff now that are like Buzzfeed and they're just like, look at, these are the reactions from like horrible people.

Right, but it's not Twitter's, Twitter's not. No, no, no, no, no. It's like that one chick who was like the the she was like a head of a company or something and she flew to africa and she was like she's from south africa she's like well go on to go in africa hope i don't get a it's jk i'm white and it's like why would you do that yeah she's probably on a xanax and she had a glass of wine she's from she's from south africa flying to south africa she's flying to her hometown And she's in America with this head of something She was some executive of some company And they're like, well, you got fired there

Sorry about it It's funny, if she was Ari Shafir, I'd have been fine That's something Ari would have said For sure Ari's probably upset I should have come up with that on my own I wish I went to Africa before her I totally should have done that joke.

Yeah. I mean, it's silly. Yeah. It's silly for her to do it, but it's also silly for people to get upset. It's a joke. She's obviously joking. She's probably fucked up. Yeah.

Maybe she's good at her job, and they're going to fire her just because she said that. She's on that bath salts list. She said she was funny. She got a little Xanax in her system. Yep. Had a couple of cocktails. Thought she was funny. She got a little Xanax in her system. Had a couple of cocktails. Thought she was hilarious. LOL.

I can't wait until I land in Africa and see my tweets. OMG. Am I right, ladies? I think it's so funny. I'm fired. What? Oh, no. How do I eat?

How do I eat? How do I eat now? Yeah, I'm disturbed that the amount of intolerance in this country is still at the level that it's at. But I feel like we're at a turning point. I really do. I feel like there's a tipping point. There's going to be a lot of stupidity that comes along with the tipping point, like massive oversensitivity, massive overreactions to things, especially with people joking around about things. But I think that—

Apologize. You need to apologize. Yeah, but ultimately I think the climate is way different. People are way more sensitive to things now than they were just a few decades ago. Definitely more than, really even more than just a few years ago.

It's changed. It's changed quite a bit. And I think a lot of that is just the exposure to different people on the internet. And when people who don't get to interact with each other on a regular basis, like you don't get to interact with each other in real life, but then you start to do it online, you realize, this is just a bunch of fucking people. Just people are people. Hiding behind the internet. Yeah, and the idea that you can generalize just on sight unseen, just looking at someone or just knowing their lifestyle, you can generalize what kind of a person they are.

That's unbelievably ridiculous because you can't do that with straight people. Are all straight people great? Okay, well, what about all the straight serial killers? What about all the straight rapists? What about all the straight thieves? No, you can't take team straight because team straight's filled with douchebags. Okay? So what team are you on?

You're on team people, fuckface I'm on team people Includes gay, straight, black, white And that's one of those things too I hang out with mostly straight people That's the thing I actually feel lucky because I'm like, wow, I remember when I first

Started doing stand-up People were like I'm just going to do an Ari voice. Might as well, because it was him. He's like, oh, so are you going to try and fuck me? I'm like, you're a six. You're an LA six. You're like a North Dakota negative three.

Negative three, and he's worth less in North Dakota? Yeah, probably so. Why is that? He's more valuable in LA? He's more valuable in LA. Keep him here. Why is that? He's more valuable in L.A.? Yeah, he's more valuable in L.A. Keep him here. Why is that? I don't know.

It's the Jew thing. It's the Jew thing. Nah. The Jew bomb. I love Ari. That can't be right. But he was one of those guys. Not necessarily that it was giving me a hard time, but it was just I entered.

He's being funny. But I entered into this boys club. Right. It was one of those things where people were very weird like they didn't know what to do with me and so i had to just like kind of just show them that i'm just me you know there will be ever worry sorry to interrupt you do you ever worry uh when you're meeting people and they find out you're gay like you're gonna get a negative reaction i don't give a shit right i think it's it's the same thing it's like like, oh, you like MMA? Okay, well, I'm going to go.

It's like, not that that's the same thing, but it's one of those things. What I like is when I get off stage, I get guys, I'll get the bro dudes who are just like, oh, man, that was funny. They're going to fuck you. No. You think?

Maybe. Fingers crossed. But it's one of those things where I'm like okay then I've done my job you know I get girls I get guys I get couples you know

it's cool you know it's nice to be a part of that what you're saying is that like someone who has a problem with you being gay

who gives a fuck you don't want to talk to them in the first place well I just think it's like oh you have a problem with you know a black comic

or you have a problem with a Jew comic, or a female comic, or whatever. It's like you just have a problem. You just need to go home and look at yourself in the mirror and take a nice hot bath and listen to some Sade. Do you find that comics are more accepting than regular people, like generally? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

There's a lot of ego involved. Do you know what I mean? Comedy. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of ego involved. You know what I mean? Comedy. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of ego involved. So it just depends. Yeah, he's getting laughs, but it's because he's all gay. Yeah.

Yeah. And then you have those comics who, I mean, I remember I've been brought up to like on stage before, like, oh, yeah, you guys ready? This next guy's a fag comic. I'm like, what the hell? Whoa. it Tony no that's squash was he trying to be funny um I have no idea this was like this was a lot this was this wasn't even at the store of the factory this was like are you sure you didn't have a popper and tell me yeah I'm like hey can you bring me up to this? Y'all fucking lightheaded. Hanging out with werewolves.

Crumpled teeth. Running naked in the woods in Canada. God, that was, yeah, it's very more accepting. And I think that's, as a community, I think it's way more accepting.

I grew up very religious and it was, I really lucked out. Really lucked out. Really lucked out. You lucked out growing up religious? No, I lucked out with a cool family and cool friends.

And, like, I never, you know, I never got bullied. I mean, I got called names and stuff, but I never got into, like, a physical fight with anybody. Were you always out? No. When did you come out? The first time? God, it was, I think, 19. I think it was 19.

And then I went back in. You went back in? Yeah. And then I came out. It was like four or five times. There was a bye phase. What is that like when you want to go back in? So you come out and then you go back in.

Is it because you're embarrassed? Well, I got outed by somebody. You got outed by someone that you had sex with? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, actually. And then got caught by somebody. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

And then, so, why is this so funny? I just never really told this story before. You don't have to. You don't have to. You don't have to. No, I mean, it's fine. It's, it's whatever shit. I don't want to be like the, okay. I just don't want to be the pressure guy.

No, no, no. But it's just funny. Now I'm thinking about it. I was like, God, I was such an asshole. Like I'm still dating this girl. We never broke up. She could be married with kids now. We're still technically dating.

How can you be technically dating? Well, I was with this girl and then we like, um, i i had the you know i had one of those weeks where i was like what are these feelings and you know um hooked up with this guy who i was friends with and like my roommate walked in was like and i'm like and then i had no idea you were gay well i mean we everyone did and then like so it got around. It spread like wildfire. I mean, it got to Europe. When you say, like, the roommate walked in,

like, what exactly were you engaged in when the roommate opened the door? I was under the covers. Oh. Yeah. So you were under the covers. I didn't see the roommate. The roommate told me.

The dude was cross-eyed like this. Ooh, ooh, ooh. And he's holding on to the covers and you're underneath it. There's a lot of wiggling. You have an imagination, Joe. His toes are poking out the end. His toes at the end of the bed. White knuckled.

That's right. They call me the destroyer. Yeah, and then It spread I mean it went to Europe Like this The rumor The rumor went to Europe

There was like a School abroad program And someone sent a Postcard and was like Is what Is what they're saying About Justin Trudeau It was like Jesus

It was like a Stonehenge Like postcard I'm like enjoy Stonehenge Don't worry about me Yeah But he care And I mean this was back This was like a Stonehenge postcard. I'm like, enjoy Stonehenge. Don't worry about me. Yeah, but you care. And I mean, this was back, this was like the early 2000s.

So it was like, it was a different time. But at the same time, it was, I didn't have to worry about like, you know, I feel bad for kids today with like the cyber bullying and the, I mean, even YouTube comments.

Like I have stuff online, like from, you know, I mean, even YouTube comments. Like I have stuff on online, like from, you know, from the laugh factor or whatever. And it'll be like, you'll have that one. That's just like fag, kill yourself.

I'm like, God, Jesus. What the fuck, man? I'm like, no, you,

you kill yourself, buddy. I'll show you. Look, yeah. Um, it's look when you're 19 years old it's it's hard to figure out who the fuck you even are oh yeah i tried to take on a bunch of different roles when i was 19 years old

i tried to pretend i was different things i tried to like i remember like i decided i was going to be a carpenter i fucking hated carpentry i did it for like a week and i was like what am i doing like that's not what i want to do i'm pretending this is what I want to do for a living. I don't want to do this for a living. I need to figure out, you know, but I couldn't imagine what it would be like to like, want to be something that you're not, or not want people to know who you are.

It was one of those things. And I, and I didn't have like a, my family would never really like talked about sex. And I, and I grew up in Texas and it was one of those. What part? San Antonio.

And I just remember it was very religious. Like we didn't talk about masturbation. It was always like, you know, it was like sex ed was all about like put a condom on and like everyone giggled. And like, you know, it was I think my sex talk even was like my mom just being like, now a guy puts his penis in a vagina and it feels real good. All right, mama's got to go. You know? And I was just like, what the hell did she just say?

You see my cigarettes? Yeah, yeah. No, she didn't smoke. She smoked pot, but she didn't smoke cigarettes. Your mom smoked pot? Oh, yeah. Really? She's a cool mom.

Always? Even when you were young? Oh, I'm sure. There's stories that I hear about my mom recently. Oh, shit. Like, she's 5'2". I'm, like, 6'3". Oh, shit. And so, like...

Fucking giant... Giant fetus just growing in that waterbed. The giant must have banged her. How big's your dad? Yeah, 6'3". Yeah, 6'3", 6'4". Yeah. Big fucking corn-fed man.

Italian corn-fed pastrami. Send it in the cock. Making him a Martindale. And then I just swam. Move, bitches. You got brothers and sisters? I got two brothers and a sister, yeah. How many of them are gay?

None. Zero? None. How many of them are borderline? How many of them could be persuaded? I don't think they could be persuaded I mean One of them was in the military So I don't know the shit that he saw

But I wouldn't think so Is there a lot of gay sex in the military? You know I think I'm not going to answer that Like with a yes or no I just think that a lot of people Will do things when they're away

Okay right now People in Afghanistan Are fucking taking off their headphones Throwing them on the ground. That's it! I'm done with this fucking hippie podcast! I'm not over here sucking cock! I don't care what the fuck Justin Martindale says!

I'm over here fighting for freedom! I know, my brother was in Kuwait. My brother drove a tank. What did he say? I respect the military. No, he... Dick, dick, sick, suck, suck, suck. No, he didn't say that. I mean, he's tank. He told me that he almost got shot by a woman like like crazy stuff because i mean it's one of those we didn't talk a woman soldier or like a woman like a um she was dressed in civilian clothes and she like pulled out a gun

and and his friend saw it and shot her in the head and saved his life oh snap yeah so i'm very grateful for that friend because that yeah yeah, I couldn't imagine that. That's messed up. So I applaud you guys over there for doing that because I cannot do that, especially with this hair. Your hair's too good for Iraq. Shit, I would cry like a little bitch. You would cry like a little bitch

if you had to deal with the war? Yeah, war and shaving my head. Yeah, I would imagine. I'd go crazy. I'd probably kill myself. I couldn't. I say that, but I couldn't do that. That David Koresh video was enough for me

because I just kept hearing the babies and the women crying in the background, and I was like, ah. I talked to a dude who told me there's some gay shit going on on a Navy boat. He said there was a lot of gay shit going on on boats. A lot of semen. Don't ask, don't tell.

They had a boat filled with men. I mean, I just think guys are just sexual beings, you know? We're not going to talk about this. Can you keep a secret? Yeah. Come on, son. Can you keep a secret? First of all, before you answer yes or no, I want you to look at these lips.

These are lips that have their own penis, and they understand how it works. Okay? Now close your eyes. Close your eyes and touch my lips. I'm going to fucking shave. I'm going to fucking shave. I'm just the future, son. I mean.

Feel them lips. Think about the future. Get them all wet first. Hold on. Now, feel them. Feel it. Feel it. You're getting Justin hard. I mean. Feel them lips. Get them all wet first. Hold on. Now, feel them. Feel it. Feel it. You're getting Justin hard.

Pretend. Pretend it's a woman. Close your eyes. You jerk off. With a man hand, you jerk off. I was like, so many guys are turned on right now. Probably. At least three or four. There's a lot of people listening. There's people that get turned on for anything. You've got nice eyes, Joe.

Thank you very much. I like them. They help me see. The kind eyes. I'm going to get you some roses for Valentine's Day. Dude, 1-800-Flowers.com. Click on the microphone. Don't be scared.

Use the code word JRE and save yourself some cash. You're on the cover of a Huffington Post right now. Am I? Or Huffington Gay. What? Isn't you in that Funny or Die spoof? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and my buddies did a spoof on the show Looking on HBO.

What's it at? How many hits does it have? Does it say? My friend Drew Droege and Jason Looney, myself, my friend drew drogy and jason looney uh myself my friend jeremy did uh the spoof because it's it's if you haven't seen that show looking it's on hbo and it's getting a lot of um heat because everyone's like oh this is stupid and this isn't how gay people are represented in san francisco it's actually a decent show i went out for what's the best representative of gay folk? Remember Queer as Folk? Yeah. Was that good? Uh-huh.

Yeah, I mean, that was more, I think, extreme, because it showed, I mean, it was very, it was very, very, very, very sexual, and yeah,

dancing and drugs, but it was, the characters were great. House Sparks was one of the guys on there. Yeah, and House Sparks is straight, which is fascinating.

Don't do that. What? Don't you make that fucking incredulous. You went, mm. No, that's just my face. Yeah, I know what the fuck you did, son. I know what the fuck you did. Listen.

He is, though. Yeah, okay. He is, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Look at me. Anyway. Okay, we're good here.

I think we've got enough information. House Sparks was a good guy on that show. It's the beautiful thing about human language. It's that human language has a lot of subtlety to it. So one of the things that I find so offensive about people pretending that jokes are statements is because just there, what we did, we transferred information very clearly between each other. And most people listening know exactly what the fuck you said. And they know that I know that you know what you know.

Yeah. Boom! Boom. I think, well, he's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's very funny. Good looking. Yeah.

Very handsome. He's into a lot of conspiracies. Yeah. Hal Sparks. Didn't he like, wasn't he like a 9-11 guy? Was he? Yeah, I think he might.

I should be careful because I've been accused of that. Unjustly so. What, being a 9-11 guy? A conspiracy theorist for 9-11. Yeah, by a guy that I had on the podcast. And I fucking told him to his face that I don't think it's a conspiracy. And he's still writing that I think it's a conspiracy.

Because people are fucking pathetic. Is that like the Illuminati of conspiracy theorists? No, it's just a convenient one. Is that like the Illuminati of conspiracy theorists? No, it's just a convenient one because obviously it was a conspiracy to commit the crimes that were committed. It was a conspiracy to fly planes into buildings for sure. Someone conspired. They took over airliners.

They hijacked them. They flew them into buildings. That alone, no matter who did it, whether it was the government or whether it was Saudi Arabia, whether it was the Al-Qaeda and the Taliban, whoever did it, it was a conspiracy, 100%. Okay, so let's just get that out of the way. 9-11 was a conspiracy. But the people like the guy who ran out in a post-Super Bowl interview and said 9-11 was perpetrated by the government, those people are fucking wacky. Oh, yeah, I saw that. Yeah, that's unnecessary. Well, the 9-11 truthers, those people that run out, you know, the real issue with that is they don't know.

You don't know, and you're saying that. You don't know. I don't think it was. I think it's much more likely that what happened was the United States was attacked by a bunch of fucking psychos, What happened was the United States was attacked by a bunch of fucking psychos, and the government took advantage of this attack in order to instigate or to initiate, rather, some plans that they had already... They already wanted to go into Iraq. They'd wanted to go into Iraq for a long time. There was a bunch of shit that they wanted to do.

They wanted to go into Afghanistan. They couldn't figure out a way to justify it. Now they had a lock-tight justified reason for going to these places. That's what I think happened. Much more likely than the thousands of people kept their mouth shut about organizing this horrible crime that killed thousands of people. And, you know, they made the fucking towers disappear. My fucking pot doctor, man, gave me a book. I'm going to bring it in because it's so ridiculous.

He gives me this book about how at 9-11 the towers were destroyed using Tesla technology. Oh, right. So I go, what? Tesla technology? Or like magma, like lava or something like that. No, no, no. Well, there's thermite is the big one. Thermite.

You know, it cuts. You know, they've tested positive for thermite. Thermite is the big one. Thermite. You know, it cuts. You know, they've tested positive for thermite. But the problem is, like, when aluminum melts and all the different particles are inside these infernos, like, you're going to get thermite-like compounds anyway. Because it's just burning so hot.

Well, all that stuff that's in there. And there's, like, all these pictures that they point to, these girders cut. Little things exploding. You could see the line cut in the girder. What they don't understand is that was all cut by welders to clean up the scrap. They have before and after pictures of those cuts. There's a lot of misinformation and misunderstanding when it comes to a lot of conspiracy theories. A lot of them.

A big percentage of them. They're saying the Super Bowl was rigged, too. Oh, it must have been. They're saying the Super Bowl was rigged, too. Oh, it must have been. They're saying the Super Bowl was rigged. The United States wants Seattle to win. The Red Hot Chili Peppers were bunked. That's what they say, too. I don't know if that's true or not, though.

That's a new one, right? Yeah, that was just today. Breaking news. They weren't playing their instruments. The Red Hot Chili Peppers faked the funk. I'm sure there's a picture, yeah, that they said that the Red Hot Chili Peppers guitars were not plugged in during the Super Bowl performance. That hurts my soul. It hurts my heart.

Yeah, a little bit. It really does hurt. I just want to go. How does that happen? How does the Red Hot Chili Peppers ever get to a point where they're faking playing music? I think what it is is that they actually can't hear when they're around that many people on stage. Oh, I'm sure. It's just so loud.

It would be impossible for them to actually... Yeah, but they put ear monitors in. Yeah, but I think it's even that loud that that wouldn't even do anything. Well, there was explosions and fireworks. Is there a picture of them? It can't be any louder than the UFC. When the UFC is going on, I have headphones on.

I don't hear anything. I can hear myself loud and clear. People are screaming at the top of their lungs when a fight's going on, and they're feet away from me in an indoor arena. That thing, I mean, the Super Bowl might be more people, but I couldn't imagine it would be louder, especially without a roof. I can't imagine how it could be louder. I want to go to a UFC fight with you.

I haven't put that on my bucket list. Yeah, let me know, man. I've never been. There's one February 2nd. You want to watch some chicks beat the fuck out of each other? I mean, what? Yeah. Ronda Rousey and Sarah McMahon.

February 2nd? It's the 4th today. Oh, okay. 20 seconds. Yeah, let's go see some girls fight. Well, I will have to work, but you will be able to sit in the audience. I will sit and watch. I'll live tweet it.

I can't sit with you and answer questions. I have to actually do work. I saw that video of that guy's leg break and that. Oh, God. That was terrible. It's rare, too. oh god that was terrible it's rare too oh it was so gross yeah really uh unusual to have a break like that we've only had two breaks like that in the history of the UFC but uh there have been um some in other organizations very similar were you at that fight oh yeah of course you were there when it happened oh yeah oh god I'm I've been at

almost uh all the pay-per-views. Almost all of them and all the Fox shows. I haven't been on all the Fox Sports 1s. I don't do those anymore. But I do virtually every pay-per-view. Unless there's something serious going on that I can't do it. That's only the second time that's ever happened.

To have it happen to a great champion, arguably the greatest fighter, I've said, the greatest fighter that's ever lived, to have it happen to him, that's pretty crazy. That sucks. It's a nutty sport, man. The human body is just not designed for it. It's all about compromising joints. It's all about cutting off blood and sparking your fucking nerves with concussions

and stopping your brain from functioning. It's really a crazy sport. It's really a really crazy sport. It's pretty intense. Yeah, but the excitement that you get from that, from it being so crazy, it's like there's nothing like it in the world. And the girls go that hardcore too? Fuck yeah. Dude, Misha Tate versus Ronda Rousey,

which was the last big women's title fight that we had, was one of the best fights ever. It was great. There was so much drama in it. Yes. Misha almost got fully armbarred once, because Ronda beat her by armbar in the first fight. And she beat her by armbar in the second fight, too.

But Misha got out of this crazy locked-in armbar. You knew it was over, and she gets out of it, and the crowd's going insane. And it was just like, first of all, Ronda made her sail through the air with judo i mean that was one of the beautiful things about the fight was not just the two chicks were going at it but said ronda's technique is impeccable it's like a dance her judo is just magnificent like her technique when she throws people it's a fucking work of art yeah because like misha tried to grapple with her and Rondahl launched

her through the air. Not once, but several times. Slammed her on her back in beautiful judo. World-class judo in action. Probably the best judo we've ever seen in the UFC. In comparison,

relative to her weight class and her division. And then her armbar techniques, the best in all of MMA. That bitch is badass, man. Badass bitches. She's wicked. She's like Chun-Li from Street Fighter. Better. Better than Chun-Li.

She's a real person, and she has a vagina. Chun-Li has a vagina. I mean, I've heard. Are you talking about Street Fighter the girl? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know it was a girl. Chun-Li. I don't know.

She's the one who's... Yeah, Ronda Rousey would tie that bitch up and not throw her off a building. Damn. Well, wait. Do they let them have long hair? They have hair.

Yeah. I mean, they've got to get the guys to watch. You can't grab it, though. You can't grab hair. No, you can't. Because I would say that would be the first thing. You always see that in a girl fight

where they just... Well, you used to be able to do that. Like when Hoist Gracie fought Kimo, that's one of the ways he fucked Kimo up. He had Kimo in his guard, and he was just bashing him, holding on to his fucking ponytail. He got a hold of that ponytail and just fucked him up.

That was one of the all-time craziest fights ever in the UFC because Kimo was enormous. I should never have a ponytail. It was like 230, 240, solid muscle, and Hoyce was like 170, skinny. David and Goliath, huh? Hoyce still beat him. Still armbarred his ass. Hoyce was a bad motherfucker back then.

Still is, but back then, that was the guy that changed it all. He came around and showed people what's up. Wow. But back then then you could grab hair. Girls are not allowed to grab hair. They can't cunt punt either. Cunt punt? I'm sorry, what? Well, you can't kick a dude in the dick,

and a girl can't cunt punt. Don't call it that, ladies and gentlemen. This is a comedy podcast. This is not what it's really called. I learned a new word today. It's a Joe Rogan podcast. Yeah, you're not allowed to kick a woman in the groin, but they don't have protection on like a man does. Oh, they don't wear cups.

I don't think they wear anything. I'm pretty sure they don't, but your clitoris, I'm sure, is very sensitive. If you take a hard knee there, that would be horrible. Oh, chihuahua. But that's illegal. It's illegal just like it is on men. But what is interesting is I don't believe that the breasts are off target. Just grab them titties and twist.

A lot of women will wear like, you know, they wear like sport bras. But there's no real protection of the breasts. That's a really good question, actually. I need to know if women's breasts are a target in MMA. Or are the rules exactly the same? I would think they'd have to tape their nipples. No? No, no taping of the nipples.

Okay, here's the question. Shut that down. The question is, January 17th, a very recent question, should chest strikes be banned? So they're talking about banning them. For women. It makes sense. Well, they're saying that it depends if the girl has implants. Have you ever hit a girl in the boob, like, accidentally?

They will murder you. What do you mean, accidentally? Well, like, elbow. Slap them around. That's how you slap them around. You can't hit them in the face. You've got to tit-slap them. No, but I mean, like, I've been, like, out and, like, have nudged.

Yeah. It hurts. Yeah, they're just like,ap them. No, but I mean, I've been out and have nudged accidentally. Yeah, they're just like, God, what am I doing? Yeah, it's sensitive. That's why it feels good when you suck them. Striking the enhanced breast will most likely cause them to burst. So they keep a list of natural and surgically enhanced breasts for their female fighters.

So that's interesting. So if a woman has surgically enhanced breasts, I guess they have to make a deal where the girl, if she's going to fight, you can't punch her tits. Well, that makes sense. You don't want a busted boob. This might be bullshit, though. This is on a forum, by the way. But it's on the underground.

It's on mixedmartialarts.com. And those guys are usually a guy named the Gumball Kid has the thing. Let's find out. Do they have a list? You hit her in the boob, and she just flies around the ring, just like an old balloon. There she goes. She's out. Okay, do they have a list of enhanced breaths for women's MMA?

No. I'll need to ask somebody. This is too long of a Google search. I need to call up Big John McCarthy or... Yeah, you can't kick the butthole. But you can grab it, which is weird. You can grab the butthole? Guys do what they call oil check.

Excuse me? When an oil check is, sometimes in the middle of the grappling, a guy will literally have his fingers deep in a guy's asshole, just digging in there, and it forces the guy to move. It forces the guy to move in a way to get away from that grip. I don't think it's illegal. I don't think it's illegal in wrestling either.

I wouldn't start making MMA butt plugs. No, that would just shove something deeper in your ass. You'd have to have a protection. But what if you don't move? The problem is you need movement. Your ass needs to be able to move so anything that you do that would protect your asshole would

be restrictive. It would restrict your ability to move left and right. It would be uncomfortable, yeah. It would mess to move left and right. It would mess with your... It'd be uncomfortable, yeah. Yeah, it would mess with your athleticism, too. Are oil checks legal? What if it's like, like this, though, like if it's... That's just a button.

Bread ban? No, that's... You're just sticking things in your ass. I need to find out if this is... Yeah, so what about this one? I gotta go to the bathroom. Here's one. Where he gets checked. Yeah.'ve got to go to the bathroom. Here's one where he gets checked. Yeah, dudes do this all the time. Damn. Krzysztof Zizinski saw he was on camera and he says, oops.

Wait. He says, what are you doing? You even said something on the end of it. One guy actually got a rape charge from a wrestling match, apparently. What? When was this? 17-year-old Jerome Hunt faces 21 counts of rape and attempted rape. Each count carries with him up to 25 years in prison.

Hunt's lawyer, Mike Butler, claims that complaints came from fellow Parker wrestlers who were simply victims of a legitimate wrestling move. Butler just filed a motion to move the case to juvenile court on that court document. He lays out a lot of information presented to the grand jury before they indicted Hunt on the rape charges. Wow, he's indicted on the rape charges. Wow. Former state champion wrestler Jerome Hunt's lawyer says that all but two of the incidents

reported happened in the Parker High School wrestling room before the practice during last year's wrestling session. Before practice? Before practice? Before practice rape? Yeah, it possibly came from a wrestling move called a butt drag or skinning. Okay, before practice. What is that? Butt dragging before practice.

It's not something illegal or not being taught. It's being taught all over. One accuser even testified to a grand jury, I didn't take it as a sexual move. I took it as him just messing around. Huh, who charged him then? A prude. Hmm.

This is interesting because that is, the oil check is like a legitimate wrestling move. If that's what he's doing, it's like people have been doing it. Whether or not you think they should be able to do that, I don't think they should be able to do that. But people have been doing that for a long time, like in actual legitimate wrestling. But look up oil check wrestling.

Find a video for oil check wrestling because that's something that guys have done for a long-ass time. I mean, I would even say that's like gladiator done like for a long ass time i mean i would even say that's like gladiator days i'm sure they did that well it's not the most effective way to control a person so it's not like something that someone does for a long time or on a regular basis it's just when you're in a wrestling match with someone what you're trying to do is win and if you spend time fingering his butt you should you could have been doing other things that would actually get you to win the match so it's not like something that comes up all the time.

Yeah, I call that a Friday. What? But some people, you know, some people who don't know wrestling who found out that this guy's oil checking people and, you know, maybe being a dick about it. Hey, Johnny's oil checking people. No, fine. Just what is this? No, no, no, no's oil checking people. No, fine, just... What is this? Crisis. No, no, no, no.

Not checking the oil crisis. Oil check. Just image. Oil check wrestling. Checking the oil crisis. Just listen. Google oil check wrestling. I got some right here. That was about it, though. I'm gonna butt drag you so you ain't safe. Yeah.

Yeah, see? Not a Maroon 5 song. See what they're doing? See? Jesus. That's totally legal. See how he's doing this, and the referee's not getting angry at him, and no one's going to jail?

See, it is actually a legal wrestling move. That guy putting his hands in that guy's asshole like that is totally legal not only is it totally legal it's so common who made this video like who who was like you know what I'm gonna do today like I said it's it's common but it's not the most common thing like wrestling it makes all about though yes it makes sense it's not the best way to control a guy all the time though so when it does come up It makes sense. It's not the best way to control a guy all the time, though, so when it does come up, guys do it, but it's not like the only way

to do it, and it's not like... If you concentrate on that when you should be doing something else, you're going to lose the wrestling match. So it's not... What he's doing is using it as a whole. He's literally trying to grapple by holding on to the guy like that. He's not necessarily sexual. He might be sexual or he might

also be trying to inflict pain and discomfort yeah but it's been going on forever oh those damn oil checkers so to take this one kid and call him a rapist that's messed up but the other thing was then said during uh before practice that's a problem like the before practice that that disturbs me like wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Hours before practice? Five minutes before practice? Are you warming up? Are you in the locker room like, hey, check this out.

Are you going over techniques? What exactly is going on? And how many counts did it say? Was it just one person? I think they said like 40. Jesus. Yeah. 40 people or 40 charges?

Well, I'll read it again. I shouldn't talk about this kid by the way this was several years ago 2006 actually but 21 counts wow I don't know what that kid did so I'm just talking out of my ass but if the kid did what's in those videos

you better go watch those videos because there's videos of people doing that butt drag or oil check forever. It's been going on for as long as there's been wrestling. It's just not the most effective thing to do always. It's not in every match. But shit, it's pretty fucking common.

Yeah. You know? And they make butt plugs. That doesn't help, dude. It's a stupid idea. It's just going to go deeper in and you bleed. It's not going to stop the guy from holding on to it. Get a little tail on the end. Yeah. Oh, God.

Make it a decorative butt plug. Pull that out and the guy gets embarrassed and you tap him. Yeah. Comes out with a loud pop. Pop. He's like, sorry about that. Can I take that? Yeah.

There's me. Did I hear that Brock Lesnar is thinking about coming back to the UFC? Yeah, it's bullshit. Oh, it is? Yeah, it's me. Did I hear that Brock Lesnar is thinking about coming back to the UFC? Yeah, it's bullshit. Oh, it is? Yeah, it's bullshit. So there's one hype story where they were trying to hype it up because the WWE was saying that Brock Lesnar was in Vegas. They made a big announcement.

But it's really just a publicity move to talk about Brock Lesnar's wrestling appearance. So there was a little bit of hype on that. Some guy's tweeting me that the butt drag does not go into the butthole. Yes, it does, sir. Sometimes. The butt drag does not go into the butthole. Yes, it does, sir. Sometimes. The butt drag does not go into the butt. They're saying there's a nerve back there. No one's pulling.

Yeah, you're right. But tell me that dudes don't sometimes put fingers in people's assholes. Hey, if I had a... Fucking for sure do, because I've had it happen. So shut your mouth. If I had a nickel... Yeah, don't tell me that oil checks don't go in your asshole. I've had it happen. Those sneaky, creepy fingers fingers do the oil drag you on a grab on a grab well it's not like you're gonna like just rub it like around you know

it's there you go you go in it's not like oh I'm sorry there's different people look at this there's a nice one right there that's a yeah that's definitely definitely those women is that Bobby Yeah, that's definitely, definitely. Are those women? Is that Bobby Lee? Yes, it's a woman. That is Bobby Lee. Oh, it is a woman. That might be Felicia. Oh, I don't know who that is.

That might be my friend Felicia. She's a badass grappler. Look at this one. Oh, I know these. That is not right. These are the... That guy's an asshole. Yeah, that's the oil wrestling, the Russian oil wrestling.

Turkish, I believe. Turkish, yeah, Turkish oil wrestling. Jesus Christ. Yeah, anybody who says it doesn't go in. Turkish, I believe. Turkish, yeah. Turkish oil wrestling. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah. Anybody who says it doesn't go in your asshole, shut it. He's clearly looking at that and just being like, yeah, you fuck. Well, you know, it doesn't always go in.

Sometimes it just hits the taint. Sometimes it's just the guys. That would hurt. That would hurt. Got a good grip on the upper deck. It doesn't actually get in the asshole. Not the upper deck. He's just pulling the lid up.

No. He's pulling the lid up on the macaroni and cheese container. Just get the steam out? Yeah, just Tupperware in that motherfucker. But sometimes it goes in the asshole. There's a lot of fucking butthurt wrestling guys out there that are arguing with me right now on Twitter. We just showed you photos, you fucks. You're in denial.

And there's a lot of guys who have had their assholes fingered who are like, thank you, Joe, for speaking up. This is bullshit. Didn't even go in my house. It can't go in. Dude, it's a trap.

My asshole's like a bank vault. Nothing's getting in. You might be knocking on the door, but you can knock on my door. Does that mean you sleep in my house? No, it does not mean you sleep in my house. You're just knocking on my door. You can't get in.

I think it's time. If you have had your butthole invaded by a finger to come out. My asshole is the brown starfish of security. Nothing gets through. It's tight. It's like that fucking Event Horizon when it opened up the time portal. That's my favorite scary movie ever. It's a good scary movie.

That's my favorite scary movie of all time. I'm so glad you said that. It's a fucking good scary movie. That's my favorite scary movie of all time. I'm so glad you said that. Pretty fucking good scary movie. That's a terrifying movie. Yeah, the idea that they run into hell. In space, yes. Enough, Brian. Enough.

E-N-U-F-F. What are you showing? More guys with hands up, dudes assholes. I think we get it. Yeah, Brian, come on. Yeah, it happens, wrestling fans. I know you don't like to believe it happens, but it happens. Oh, yeah, that was real, too.

It's all real. That's different. That's just two men standing on their ground. With their lips locked. And trying to gain an advantage. Making Valentine's Day plans. By the way, the white guy won. White guy won that one.

Much to dismay of black people everywhere. Should have butt-checked them. Much to dismay of Aniston Silva fans. Much to dismay of people who don't like wrestling or butt-checks. Oil checks, drags, butt-drags. I'm sure Chris Weidman has been oil-checked some time in his life.

With a last name like Weidman. That's how you make an animal like that. How dare you! How dare you? How dare you? What is this parody? Can we play your parody video? Yeah, sure, if you want. What is it?

It's called Not Looking. Not Looking? Yeah. That's fake, Brian. Stop it. What? Jesus. Brian believes everything.

Twin Towers. Black helicopters. That shit's naked. So this is a parody of, what's the show called again? Of HBO's hit series, Looking. It's not a hit series. No, it's on its third episode. I can't say it's a hit series.

But that's my friend Drew, who's a funny guy from the Groundlings, and we did an L.A. spoof because of the San Francisco trailer, or the trailer they do for this one. Oh, I can't play. The San Francisco one, they're all just like, it's so weird being in your 30s.

Like one of them was like, what's uncircumcised mean? And I'm like, what? Where are, you're in San Francisco and you don't know what uncircumcised means? So we did a spoof on it.

It's like a minute and a half and it was, we had a lot of fun doing it. It's on Funny or Die. How many? What's it called? What's the name of it? That's it.

If someone wants to find it. Oh, Not Looking. This is LA. It should be so hard to meet an amazing guy. Hey, guys. Excuse you. We were in the middle of a conversation. Oh, the audio cut out.

It did? Yeah. But I love this song, though. The audio cut out? What do you mean? The words. Oh, there it is. That's the guy from Nashville, the series.

Good morning. This might be something people have to see. Yeah, you gotta see it. Yeah, because it's just like a montage. What the fuck are you playing for me, man?

I'm hearing just, I'm wondering if I should be clenching my butthole right now based on the visuals that go along with this audio. It was fun, though.

And it's been on like, it was on Huffington Post this afternoon. It's like kind of crazy. It's weird. People. And it's been on, like, it was on Huffington Post this afternoon. It's, like, kind of crazy. It's weird. People who are, like, mildly homophobic, if they're listening to that, they would wonder whether or not this should clench. There's an old episode. There's Iraqi soldiers pissed off.

As long as it's Iraqi, not American soldiers, I don't give a fuck, okay? Team America. Do you think I'm pissing off a lot of your listeners? No. Okay. No. Well, think I'm pissing off a lot of your listeners? No. Listen, I piss off a certain amount of people every week. Am I the first gay on this podcast? No. Todd Glass has been on.

I love Todd Glass. Melissa Etheridge. Melissa. Who else has been gay that's been on? Brian Dunning, but for other reasons. Just being gay. Wow. I'm a cool gay.

Oh, that feminist guy. What feminist guy? Oh, Buck Angel? No, no. Buck Angel is a porn star. We've had him, but no, the one that rape culture guy. Oh, Jamie's not gay. How dare you?

He's married. Was that the one you got into a fight with? No, no, no, no, no. I've had two arguments ever on this whole podcast. One was Brian Dunning and the other was Jamie. But the Jamie argument was based on Daniel Tosh

and Daniel Tosh getting in trouble. Yes, I actually saw that episode. I watched that one. It was when he made that rape joke and he was trying to defend it or it was for it or something like that and you guys just buried him to the ground, didn't you? He didn't make a rape joke. Well, he did in the past, but it was Tosh saying a rape joke.

Yeah. The story was Tosh is at the laugh factory and he asks, like, what do you guys want to talk about? And some guy yells out rape. And then Tosh is going, like, what is funny about rape? You know, like, is it the humiliation? Like, what do you think is funny about rape? And, you know, he's just trying to make fun out of this.

And some woman goes, actually, nothing's funny about rape. And he goes, wouldn't it be funny if five guys raped her right now? That's right. I remember that. And then, of course, the whole crowd laughs because it's a hilarious thing to say. But this woman wrote a blog and all these people freaked out. Everyone's a blog right now. That's right. I remember that. And then, of course, the whole crowd laughs because it's a hilarious thing to say, but this woman wrote a blog and all these people freaked out.

Everyone's a blogger now. They wanted him to apologize and Jamie took the side of the heckler. And I said, that's ridiculous. It's so obvious that it was a joke.

And there's all this idea of trigger warnings. The real problem with that show wasn't wasn't even the two people disagreed it was like his depiction of it afterwards was you know i think people forget how things actually went sometimes and they start they give their version of it and then you get to go back and look at the actual words that were said and then their version of it and it makes them look deceptive right sometimes it's not even that they're actually deceptive.

What it is is that there's a lot of people out there that are delusional. This Brian Dunning guy that we're talking about that we had that podcast with, his depiction of our podcast and me being a 9-11 truther when I clearly said I wasn't, as clear as possible. But he still thinks that somehow or another it's supporting some sort of conspiracy theories. What are you throwing up that's distracting me? That was the Jamie Kilstein's latest CD. He has a track called Dude Bros Get Super Mad When You Say Rape Is Bad.

Wait, he's still on it? He won't let it go? Oh, yeah. Jesus. I listened to it. Don't buy it. You can just listen to it on Spotify. Oh, I don't want to hear it.

Who says dude bros? Well, that's a way of diminishing anybody who has a contrary opinion. Ugh. The idea of being bros, like men who are like idiots. Tough. They're bros. Tough and masculine. They're bros.

Well, that's a new way to diminish people's opinions, like that you're bros. Oh, they're all bros. Yeah. People's opinions like that your bros. Oh, they're all bros Yeah this was the type of thing that people do if they want to diminish you without just talking about what the Actual subject is it's not that people get upset if you say don't say rape. That's not what it is people get upset if you're hypocritical people get upset if you tell a distorted depiction of the actual events and make it so that it favors your point of view

and that you were attacked and victimized. People have a real problem in this country with people that play the victim role. And, um, a lot of people do it by default and they might not even realize they're doing it by default, but they do. They, they go into this, you know, I was victimized. These guys got mad at me because I did this. It might not be that. You might have done something annoying. You know, there's, and it's also like, why do people relish so, like being in these disputes and these debates with people where they, they feel like they're going to lash out and right a wrong, like. Well, cause no one wants to be wrong.

No one wants to be wrong. Yeah, that's true. Cause it's embarrassing. It's belittling. Mm-hmm It's you know, you definitely right there people will fight to prove how right they are But the problem is when you do that if you fucking there's a recording of you being wrong Mm-hmm. God damn that makes you look bad Brian Dunning. Yeah, god damn that makes you look bad It makes you look bad. Just it's bad for you. It's bad for your thinking

It's bad for your mind when you give a distorted depiction of the events and people can clearly see that they go Oh this guy's brains broken, right? This guy's so warped by ego He doesn't see what actually happened and it's clearly still not over it and still yeah What Jamie? Yeah. Well Jamie's a comic i mean you look jamie's also a progressive guy and he's trying to do the right thing and i i don't i don't have any problem with jamie i like him i really do he's an odd guy we don't agree on a lot of things but i think he's a good person i really do i just think that like these depictions of uh of this this scenario it's like this very there's like this uh very progressive point of view that is like very rigid and then there's this uh this other point of view

that either is like super douchey masculine that hates the progressive point of view and then there's moderates that sort of get lumped into that super douchey Macho frame of mind just because they disagree with like the uber progressive point of view and I don't think it's that black and white You know, I think especially with something like rape jokes like all rape jokes aren't funny The only rape jokes that are funny are funny ones Just like all murder jokes aren't funny. The only funny murder jokes are funny murder jokes. That's the ones that are funny. Just like all jokes about fucking ice cream aren't funny.

And if you tell me a bad joke about ice cream, it's more offensive than a good rape joke. Yeah. Absolutely. Sorry. I'm sorry. People don't want to hear that. But a joke about rape. I see what you're saying.

Rape is a part of life. And it's not a good part of life. It's awful. And it's not something you're saying. Rape is a part of life and it's not a good part of life. It's awful. And it's not something you should promote. But the idea that saying a joke about rape somehow or another promotes rape is crazy. It's a joke. And the idea that it becomes a part of this culture. Yeah, no.

It's crazy too. It's not a culture of rape. There's assholes that commit rape in our culture. Yeah. I do a joke about having a rape whistle. It didn't work? No, no, no. It does.

Because it's a very visual thing. You have to come check me out and see it. But I do. I act it out. I grab it off my nightstand and I just go... And it's a visual.

And everyone dies. Guys, girls, it's one of those things. And I'm like, but that's the thing i'm blowing a rape whistle i never get like that like backlash i mean it's anything's a joke now i get offended i mean people ask me because a lot of people talk about like gay people on stage and gay jokes and stuff like that and i don't get offended at them because i know

it's part of the business it's one of of those, I mean, how many times do I hear the N word on stage? How many times do I hear everything? It's part of who we are. I will, if I, if it's a bad joke and if I think it's unnecessary, yeah, I'll, I'll say something and be like, Hey, that kind of didn't work. But at the same time, I think those jokes are kind of winding down now. Cause I mean, if you say anything about i mean i've heard i mean you know i've heard the word fag on stage and like you'll hear the the audience just quiet just a death eater just sucked out all the life they're very aware yeah so that's kind of cool because i like that whole progressive mentality i mean you can say gay people you're

whatever but it's like it's like you can't say that word now like if Kinison did that old bit that he did about AIDS you remember that Kinison bit? vaguely he had a bit about AIDS it was really controversial and it got him in a lot of trouble

it was his second album and he was like just because a few fags fucked a monkey I gotta wear a condom? But that was the time. Yeah. That was the time. But he was talking about how AIDS is a gay disease.

Like they say, AIDS is a heterosexual disease. Straight guys can die too. Straight guys can die too, Sam. Yeah. And he was like, name one. Name one fucking guy. It's not our dance. It's not our dance. It's not our dance.

Just because a few facts fucked a monkey. Damn, that's a good impression. Yeah, that was a really good impression. It's not that good. It'd be better if I heard him. There's a dude that did the Stern Show. He used to do it. Oh, Craig Glass.

Yeah. He does the most insane Kinnison impression. Like, you think Kinnison's in the room. Yeah. Like, if you closed your eyes, you'd really think it's Kinnison. It's really quite freaky. That guy does spooky impressions. But yeah, people

are definitely becoming more and more sensitive to these things. People were upset at me this weekend because I said that I was a retard during a broadcast. I was talking to Uriah Faber. Uriah Faber fought Hennon Burau for the Bantamweight title, and Burau's during a broadcast. I was talking to Uriah Faber. Uriah Faber fought Henning Barau

for the Bantamweight title, and Barau's one of the best fighters on the planet. Barau hurt Uriah, and Uriah is as well, but he hurt Uriah pretty bad in the first round, and the referee stopped the fight early. Uriah was still trying to recover, and he was hanging on. He was giving the referee the thumbs up,

telling him he's okay. The referee stopped the fight, and the crowd went nuts. Like it's over yes the fight was over but he was oh he was definitely hurt but it was a premature stoppage and most people agree that it was a big mistake so uh i was in the octagon and i was interviewing uriah and i felt real bad for the guy i mean this was like a huge opportunity for him the fight got stopped, and he's known as being like a really tough guy that could bounce back. And, you know, he just, you could see, like, he really felt disappointed that the fight ended the way it ended. And he was bringing up his teammates, and I said, what about Chad Mendes, who's actually in the wrong weight class?

He goes, he's in a different weight class. I goes, I'm like, you're right, I'm a retard. That's what I said, like, while I was interviewing him. Which is like, you know, I shouldn't have said it. You shouldn't say that on television. It's not quote unquote professional. I only said it because I was flustered. I was into this thing where I felt bad for the guy and I didn't know what to say.

What am I going to say to the guy? The guy just had his dreams dashed. You got me. He's 34 years of age. And I did say the wrong name. I did, I did give the wrong weight class out, which is very unusual for me. I'm usually really good at that stuff. Uh, but you know, you can only have so much information in your fucking brain and sometimes it gets shuffled around and sometimes it gets shuffled around on the fly on television and you fuck up. So I call myself a retard because I'm a self deprecating person and everyone lost their mind. Well, some people got upset at it.

I shouldn't have used retard. And they're right. I absolutely shouldn't have. You're 100% right. I apologize for using it. But I do use that word all the time. And I use that all the time about myself in a self-deprecating way. I could call myself an idiot.

The idea that I'm calling myself retarded is if retarded is a disease. Down syndrome is the disease. I'm not saying I have Down syndrome. I'm saying retarded like I'm calling myself retarded is if retarded is a disease. Down syndrome is the disease. I'm not saying I have Down syndrome. I'm saying retarded like I'm slow. I mean, that is not a technical medical term. Right. And when I'm using it to describe myself in a derogatory manner of being an idiot, I'm not going to listen to you, okay?

I'm going to keep calling myself a retard. I think that is so silly that we're getting so fucking minute with our fucking criticisms of people. You can't call yourself a retard. There's a new one. It's one thing if you call yourself a nigger. I'd be like, you might not want to do that. That seems like people could get offended.

My balls just went inside me when you said that. Maybe I just ruined my own argument. Maybe I just threw my own argument out the way. There's a new argument. Right there, I did. Didn't I kind of crush my own argument? In I just threw my own argument out the way. Well, there's a new argument. It's like, right there, I did. Didn't I kind of crush my own argument? In a way. In a way, I did. Like, why should I be able to call myself a retard?

If retard is offensive, to call someone else a retard, is it the word? The word's totally taboo now? Maybe. There's a new one. There's the new word. What's the new one? Transgender? No, well, yeah.

Twink? No. You can't say twink. Remember that? You can say twink. Andy Cohen got in trouble for saying twink. You can say twink, Joe. No, you can't. Yes, you can. Can't say twink. Remember that? You can say twink. Andy Cohen got in trouble for saying twink. You can say twink, Joe. No, you can't.

Yes, you can. No, you're going to get me in trouble with the twink. Everyone, all at once. No! Twink! Andy Cohen from Bravo, right? Oh, Andy, come on. Who is gay, by the way?

Are you telling me? No, but it's for the people who don't know. Oh, yeah. He said twink, and he had to apologize. That's bullshit. I call, I mean, I got my brother Andy on this one. I mean, that is not, that is a group of people that name has been, was developed for the gay community. That's like a twink is, there's twink and bear.

Then you shouldn't say bear. Then you shouldn't say otter. Then you shouldn't say... Is that... Come pig. I don't know what there is. Is him saying twink like a black guy using the word nigger?

No. No. It's not. Twink. Twink is not offensive. No. It's kind of cute. I get, you know,

I get called... I'd like to think of myself as an older twink. I'm a twonk. But you're tall. An old twonk. You're tall. Twinkies be a little lighter. I'd like to think of myself as an older twink. I'm a twonk. But you're tall. An old twonk. You're tall. Twinkies be a little lighter.

I'm actually no animal. If anybody from the Death Squad family could classify me as an animal, I will go through your choices and establish myself as starting that. No, but Gabourey Sidibe. What? Precious. The girl from Precious. Oh, okay.

Gabourey Sidibe. Only a gay man would know that, by the way. Well, not really. I have some of my friends who call her Anime Cinnabon, which I think is actually kind of a fun name. But she got into trouble because she used the word tranny repeatedly on, I think it was Arsenio. But she was just dropping it left and right.

And that's one of those words to me, because I think that's the new word that everyone's like, you can't say that now. i've been hearing that word for years i've heard transsexual people transgender people using that word i've it's it's it's but they're trying because it's one of those things where the transgender community is trying to make a very very poignant part and just be like, we are part of this community. We're tired of it. One of my friends who was on RuPaul's Drag Race, we actually did that podcast with Red Band when Raja was a guest.

One of her drag queen contestants named Carmen Carrera, who is gorgeous. Pull up a picture of Carmen Carrera right now. Don't do it. It's stunning. I'm going to get my sunglasses on. No, no, no, no. No, you turn to stone.

You don't even understand. She's not Medusa. If you're a straight guy. No, you're going to be like... But transgendered is now picketing... Not picketing, that's a horrible word. She is trying to get Victoria's Secret to make her the first transgendered model.

But I don't think the word... I hear the word tranny. I've heard drag queens call each other trannies. I just think everyone's being very, very sensitive. Well, people love to call you out on shit, and they love to get you in something that you were wrong. That's a transgender chick? Yep.

Carmen Carrera. She's amazing amazing I love her she does have kind of a thick neck though yeah but gorgeous I mean you how deep's her voice no it sounds like a girl hey guys this is she's post-op um better no pre no no no it has has boobs and everything, but I think it's... I don't know if she's had the surgery or not. She is hot. It's called the full package.

Call her. If they haven't had the operation, instead of being glass half empty, let's just call it the full package. I've heard a lot of people are into that. The full package? Yeah, I bet. There's a lot of anime porn online with the full package. Giant dicks, big fake titties.

And it's like, what are you trying to fucking do? What is going on in your cellar? What's your mixed message? I know. Yeah, she's stunning. I love her. We had a transgender woman on the man show. And we had this thing.

Her name was Vanity. We had two, Gia and Vanity. Both very nice people. But the Vanity chick, we had this box attached to dudes' dicks. And the box was, it goes to show you how stupid sensors and standards of practice people are.

Doug and I, we created this game show called Make Me Hard. And the game show was, you would have a box over your dick, and then we'd have a bunch of things happen in front of you, and then we obviously control whether the bulb lights up or not. So we have women dancing around, nothing. A dude eating a banana, ding, the box goes.

It's like pretend you got a hard time. Oh, that's cool. That's a good social experiment. But it was fake. It was obviously just a sketch. Let's do a real one. But here's where it gets fake. This vanity chick comes out,

and she's gorgeous. I mean, she's like a 10. And she's putting whipped cream on her nipples. The guy's sucking it off. Everybody's going crazy. But the light is not going on. And then she pulls her pants down, and she's got a dick.

And the whole crowd sees it and goes fucking crazy. It was the the loudest sound of disappointment i've ever heard collectively from 300 men it was just oh and of course that's when the light goes off his dick's hard as a rock and it's silly it was silly but but it's true i've heard some i've heard a lot of stories about people who are into that, like straight bros. What was silly was that you could say, you could have this girl pull her dick out.

But what you couldn't do is say the word hard. They wouldn't approve hard. They wanted it to be make me stiff. They made us change the title. They're like, make me hard, it's just too offensive. We're like, what are you talking about? I think make me stiff is way more offensive than hard. They just want to change things. They're just morons. It's just moron talk.

Just dummies who want to go, what about move this around? I want the lamp to be here. Well, if the room didn't have the lamp there, the room wouldn't be the room. I put the lamp there. I made the room. They were going to have no lamp, and I made them put the lamp there. I walked in that room, and I said, it needs a lamp. Well, you've always been good at figuring out which room needs a lamp.

That's my skill. I might not be funny, but I know where the a lamp. Well, you've always been good at figuring out which room needs a lamp. That's my skill. I might not be funny, but I know where the funny belongs. You can't say hard. You gotta say, yeah, yeah. Who made it better?

Who made it better? I put my greasy little fucking chubby donut fingers all over everything. In the butt. Oil check. I oil checked the whole show. But the point is,

everybody in the audience before she pulled her dick out, everybody in the audience thought it was the hottest bitch on the planet. Beautiful legs and beautiful face, long hair. Boom. Whoa.

Some epic thunder. The schlong heard round the world. Yeah, but you're definitely right. There's something weird with the morphs, the anime morphs, giant dicks and big fake titties and having sex with women. It's like, what is that? No, having sex with guys. That too sometimes.

Yeah. Having sex with everybody. Everybody's having sex. That's just one of those things. Why all that? Why all that going around? Why all that going around? I've got a date tonight, so.

Do you do ass to mouth ever, Justin? Oh, easy. Fuck face. There's no need to divulge that information. A boy's got to have secrets. Look at him. As the green light goes off in Red Band's corner. He's a child.

Trust me. You don't want to take questions from that guy. Yeah. Do you mean, do I have a human centipede? What is the policy in the gay community as far as like outing people that are in the closet?

Is it considered to be like a douche move? Is it considered to be like... That's a good question. Like say if, you know, this guy and,

you know, he's pretending to be straight and maybe he has a few boyfriends but he says a few homophobic things trying to throw people off the trail. Then is it a green light? No. says a few homophobic things, trying to throw people off the trail.

Dan, is it a green light because he says homophobic things? Yes. Dan, it's a green light. I'll say, oh, that's a really good question, Joe. That's one of those things where it's like my philosophy is let everybody, everybody has their own journey. Let everyone do what they want to do. That's a good philosophy.

It's not my time to say who... I mean, I love you. If I'm a friend of yours, I will love you no matter what. That's just the person I am. That's the person... I won't. If I catch you eating babies, I'll beat the fuck out of you. That sucks because I love a good bacon baby.

I love a good bacon baby. Everybody's journey is different, whatever, but it's one of those things where it's like if you've got some demons or you've got some issues and you're coming after my people and then I know some things, I'm just going to be like, all right. Yeah, that's how I feel. It's game on. That's how I feel about the whole outing thing.

And it's sad. At the end of the day, it's just sad. It is definitely that. It's so pitiful to hate on a certain group of people and when you're doing this, when you're part of that. It's just like, what? Well, they're just self-loathing and they're trying to throw people off the trail.

Yeah, it's pitiful. It's like, you ever talk to, I mean, it's so common. You ever talk to girls that are sluts? And I don't want to say anything wrong with sluts I don't want to slut shame But sluts love to talk shit about other sluts And by the way, I'm a fan of sluts Maybe I shouldn't say the word slut

Maybe slut will go into the same box as retard As retard and tranny Maybe we'll all be lumped in together with twink But there's Girls who will Do and Tranny. We would all be lumped in together with Twink. But there's like girls who will like do, you know, wild sexual shit.

They're one of the first to talk shit about other girls doing wild sexual shit. Stacey's a whore. That's a fucking whore. And then it's like, you look over and there she is

like blowing a dude in the bar at the comedy store. You're like, what are you doing? That fucking whore. I'll stab her. She steals my guys.

But at least, look, that's less of a secret, I guess. Is that less of a secret? Yeah, it's less of a secret than being gay. When you have a situation like Ted Haggard, that guy who was the priest, who turns out he was all this pro-family, anti-gay. Mega church. Yeah.

I mean, working really hard against gay rights. Meanwhile, having gay sex with prostitutes, doing meth. When that kind of shit gets outed, I'm all for it. I'm all for it. I'm like, but that is perversion. Like, they call gay people

perverts. I'm like, no. What we do is we want to have kids. We want to have rights. We want to drive an SUV. We want to, like, you know, it's like, what you did. I'm with you up to the SUV. No, I mean, like, having kids. I feel like that's the kid car.

That's why I draw the line. You know. Queers and trucks. Yeah. No fucking way. But when you take it to that extreme where it's, like, bathroom, meth use, and then you're going to preach God's word, what? Yeah.

Like that, I mean, it's like the, what's her name? The Bachmans, those dickwads. No, that guy's awesome. Marcus? Yeah, he's just a cute little teddy bear. First of all, he's very heterosexual. Maybe the most heterosexual man ever. Sure, yeah.

There's no way that guy's gay. I don't get it at all. Those dimples. There's no way. Him, house parks, no ever. Sure, yeah. There's no way that guy's gay. I don't get it at all. There's dimples. There's no way. Him, house parks, no way. No, house parks, by the way. I think you're straight. If you tell me you're straight, I'll say you're straight.

House parks. I love you. I mean, hey, if he's straight and, you know. I bet he is. Easy. Settle down. I didn't say he was not. I don't know him personally.

I think he's totally straight. Yeah, I think he is too. He's a great ass. But he's not an asshole. You know, this Ted Haggard guy or any of these guys that do it, that's got to be a really self-loathing place to be a gay person and to be angry and twisted about it and lash out. Like that one, what is it, Larry Craig?

Was that his name? The congressman? Was it a senator or a congressman that got busted doing the thing underneath the stall? Oh, yeah, the tapping the toes. That old trick. The old speakeasy days. Hey, boy, you got a shoe I can tap?

Before the internet, we had a thing we used to do. It's called playing footsie. I mean, that's a whole generation. I don't know if that's a generation. Like, bathhouses, that kind of thing. That's like, ooh. Well, that's still going on, isn't it? Yes.

Don't you guys get together? Well, according to Bathhouse Weekly. Butt fuck each other with masks on. It has to be fun to pick up guys, like if you want to get laid,

it's probably so much easier. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. To just like, hey, I'm going to go to the bus stop and do my little gay hand wave thing

until I find somebody. Hey, you leave our gay hand wave alone, all right? Are you eating while you're talking? Yeah, what are you doing over there?

Fucking pig. Just finish your food first. Fuck. Can't hang on to that question. We have a three-hour fucking podcast. You gotta eat with a mouthful of food?

You monster. You're like, is it really easy to get laid? When you suck the cocks, you slobber a lot? I'll be like a dry cocksucker. Oh, God.

Yeah, it must be way easier to get laid. I mean, it's the same. I think it's easy to get laid. You guys have Tinder, for God's sakes. I've seen so many of you guys. We have Tinder. What's Tinder? Tinder.

Website, is that what you're saying? Straight Grindr. So Tinder, you can just hook up. You just say, who wants to fuck? Well, I think so. Who wants AIDS? In La Jolla this weekend, I was with one of my buddies, and he was showing me, because I'd never really seen Tinder,

and it looks so complicated. So easy. No, but it's like you've got to swipe this way, and then you've got to do this, and then you can scroll more. I'm like, with ours, it's just like, eh, all right, come on. So with yours, with Grindr, say if you're in a town. Here, let's get on it right now, shall we? No.

Brian, put that down. If you're in Ohio, okay, and you want to get your freak on, say you're doing a gig in Columbus, you can just pull up your app and say, do you have a picture of yourself on it? Yeah. Look, I'll show you. Have you ever had a it? Yeah. Look, I'll show you. Have you ever had a fan?

Yeah. Yeah. That's why I have to kind of, I think I have to kind of like get, I have to wean myself. Not that I'm like an avid grinder user, but yeah. What's avid? More than twice a day?

No, no, no, no. I rarely, I rarely, rarely meet up with people. You get dicked every night, don't you? No. How often do you use the grinder? Let's not throw him under the bus, though. Ruining the guy's fucking game. For this one, this is B.

He goes, hey there, what's going on? I go, not a whole lot, you? How's your Monday? Listen, maybe B doesn't want you reading out his shit on the air, man. No, no, no. I'm not saying. No complaints. Worked early.

Had the afternoon to myself. Just making dinner now. So I'm very sexy. And he goes, I'm B. Nice to meet you. What did you make? And I'm like, I made a blackened chicken pesto pasta. The only thing grosser than-

Do you hear the sex coming up? Guys trying to pick up girls is guys trying to pick up guys. You're about to make me fucking throw up. Just with the mundaneness of your fucking interaction. I was hoping it was way more fun. No, no, no.

Like, who wants this dick? Yeah. A picture of some dick. What I'm saying, guys... I got it. I'm on the corner. No, no, no. And the guy drives by

with his pants off. That's how you think it would be. That's how I talk to girls. No, see, I'm a lesbian. That's what I wanted to say. I'm just a big old lesbian. Yeah, you're about making dinner and shit. You got pesto.

I don't care. I mean, it's such a scene now. You know, it's like, it's, I don't know. It's such a scene? It's such a scene now about the whole, like, just hooking up and, you know. Is it? Maybe I want a little more. We don't know this.

We don't know this. Maybe I just want a little more. We're on the outside. We only talk to you guys, like, very briefly about your little more. We don't know this. We don't know this. Maybe I want a little more. We're on the outside. We only talk to you guys like very briefly about your sex life. Then we run away. I'm the unicorn in the room.

We run away. We clean our hands. Just run your body through a car wash. Yeah, we keep that Purell and I spray it in my mouth just in case any...

Hey, we do the same with you guys so don't worry about it. I'm going to get it all floated to the air and let it in my tongue and I might catch the gay. I'm actually leaving here and taking a nice hot shower.

Good move, dude. You should get a scrub. Go to a car wash. Just a nice steel wool pad. Ew, straightness. No, I love straight people. Have you ever sneezed and poop came out? Uh,

what? He told you, you dumb fuck. He told you he's a top. Yeah. No, I meant from your mouth. God, why did you have to get gross? Because he's a child. I know.

And yes, I have. No, I'm not. Think about what you're about to say for an extra five seconds. Just think about it for an extra five seconds. You're going to go, oh, I get it. What do you just think sex is? Extra five seconds. Just think about it for an extra five seconds. You're going to go, oh, I get it. Yeah. Yeah. I just think sex is just...

Sex is just... I think it's gross either way, you know? Fluids and blood and poop and cum. Well, but you do it, though, still. Yeah, we're animals. You got to do what you got to do. We're beasts. It's gross when you don't need it.

When you need it, it's exactly what the doctor ordered. Yeah, that's true. Did you like gross when you don't need it when you need it it's exactly what the doctor ordered yeah that's true did you like pussy when you had it um no so it felt

it feels bad to you no it didn't feel bad it wasn't like I'm shoving my dick in between a sandpaper Arby's sandwich but like it was

so gross um no it was nice but it was just like I didn't well you just weren't attracted to girls yeah or you just weren't attracted to girls. Yeah.

Or you were sort of attracted to them. Yeah, yeah. It was one of those things like, oh, I'm just going to be friends with them. But you did have sex with them, so you did get aroused by girls. Yeah. It's just not as satisfying. Right, right. And you feel more drawn to men.

And did you, when you went by by you said you went by for a while what what do you think that was was that like you trying to figure out like who you were yeah try to let's try a lot of people do that this is an eight oh this one's a this one's a five yeah maybe she just doesn't like me i find another one yeah yeah so yeah, exactly. There was a period, I mean, there was a time when, I want to say it was like my, it was like 23, I guess. And there was this girl, and I can't believe I'm even saying this story. She, like, we had this thing, like, it was this kind of like affair, if you will. Like, she was engaged and, yeah. And so, like, it was this kind of, like, affair, if you will.

Like, she was engaged and, yeah. And so, like, it was. Was it hot and heavy? It was fun. But it was a girl. It was, yeah. And we had a good time. And it was one of those things where, you know, she would tell me, she's like, you know,

you're not gay. You know, you're doing this too well. And you're playing with my heart. And so it was kind of, like, dangerous at the same time. And then her fiance found out. Oh, Jesus. Her fiance actually found out when I was going down on her in her bedroom. He walked in?

No, he was knocking on the door outside, and the lights were on. We were like, oh, shit. And he was like, hey, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here. Open the door, open the door. And immediately, what do I do? Because I'm like, what do I do? What do I do? I jump in the, what do I do? What do I do? I jump in the shower like an asshole.

Oh, no. Because that's not suspicious. Oh, I just came over to shower at your fiance's house. You turned the shower on? Turned the shower on. And he's like, what are you doing? I'm like, oh, yeah, I'll see you later. It was great.

Thanks for the study break. And the shower. What? I had to get pussy off my face. Right. Yeah, I really did. That's the thing with the steel wool pad, you know. Oh, my God.

So what did he say? And then, like, she moved away. And then I got this phone call. Oh, God, that was so crazy. I got this phone call from him to the fiance. Was he jerking off over the phone? No, he was mad. Really?

Oh, dude, he was like, so what the fuck am I hearing about this and this and this? And she's in the background, and she's just like, he's lying, he's lying, he's a fucking faggot. Don't listen to him. Oh, yeah. She threw you down? Threw me down Under the bus Oh my god And that was

The last time And this was somebody That I was like We had Like I thought We had something And when she said that I was like

Later Like I couldn't Like that was it So you How old were you at the time? I was 22 or 23 So you'd already come out.

You'd come out. Yeah. So when you were with her, you told her that you were gay? Yeah. Like everyone knew. It was just one of those. But then you get those girls who are like, I'm going to turn you. And you're like, no.

Really? Oh, I get it all the time. You get it all the time. Girls are trying to turn you straight. Yeah. Wow. But this one worked for a little bit, sort of. I get asked it a lot. I don't know if it you straight. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. But this one worked for a little bit, sort of. I get asked it a lot.

I don't know if it was you. Probably. It was probably you the other night at the store, maybe like a week or two ago. You were like, would you ever like, if a hot girl came up to you, I'm like, hmm, that's a good question. Well, like imagine having sex and then just having a guy sit there with balls on your forehead. You'd probably love it.

You have your fantasy, Brian. What? Meaning like he would only see guy and balls but he would feel pussy what are you talking about balls what do you mean like if a woman is on top of him fucking him and then a guy just like that's a three-way yeah yeah but you're only seeing the dick and balls that'd probably be the most shut up just shut up seriously oh my god just five minutes think about what you're going to say for five minutes. Yeah. So, um, I don't know. I would, I would think, I don't know. I don't, I don't

know if I could or not. I don't know. But there's no, there's, there's no social stigma attached to that. If you chose to have sex with a woman, it's like, it's no big deal. Whereas if a guy is a straight guy and then he just chooses to have sex with a guy like that's in this culture that's fucking crazy that's really unusual but in some cultures it's like i don't think i don't think a straight guy i don't well i don't think a guy could be bisexual but a girl could be bisexual but isn't that is it i think definitely guys can be bisexual i don't think so you don't think so i've said that there's two types of dudes who do gay things there's gay dudes and there's really

gullible straight dudes who get talked into blowing crafty gay dudes. Mm-hmm. You think that's what it is? Uh-huh. There's a lot, especially in the porn industry, there's a lot of, like, you know, oh, we're all straight. Gay for pay.

Yeah, yeah. But gay for pay is a different thing. Like, there's a lot of gay people will find straight guys that are really broke. Like, there's this guy who's friends with my wife who's a gay guy. He's a mac daddy. He's got a lot of cash. Gets a lot of boys.

You know how it is. And he gets dudes that are straight. He had this Russian dude. Is it a website he runs? He bought the guy a car. Put the guy up in an apartment. Like he was going broke because he was spending all of his money to take care of this Straight guy and this straight guy would suck his dick

Yeah, you'd get together with this, you know, the guy was like heavy Russian accent kind of tough looking and like like What's his name from? Right. He was like a gay Jason Statham looking kind of a okay with a Russian accent sure and apparently this guy was just No one's looking. Okay. Just dig cheese everywhere. He just made sure that he took care of this guy. Gave this guy an apartment, gave him money.

The guy wanted too much at a certain point in time. Let's go down to Fairfax. He actually lost a big chunk of his money trying to keep this guy. But this guy was like the latest in a series of straight guys that he had manipulated into comfortable positions. That's a thing. Is it?

That's a thing, yeah. It's like finding straight guys. Yeah, I had a buddy of mine who was a wardrobe guy, and he was gay. He would always tell us about all the different quote-unquote straight guys that let him suck their dick. Jesus. He would get a kick out of it.

They're really funny. I get a lot of them, too. I still got it. But they're not straight guys, then. They're just confused. No, they are. They are. Well, how are they straight?

No, okay, you were going to say they're confused. They're just confused. Do you think that it's extra likely to happen to you if you kill on stage? Yeah, it's happened before. More likely? Well, it has happened. But I mean, more likely because you're on stage and you kill and you become attractive?

Yeah, they're like, oh, he's hot and broken. Whoa. And so the straight guys find that attractive. Uh-huh. Actually, I had a, yes, they do. Those guys are not straight, Justin Martindale. What are you doing? There is no Santa Claus. The Easter Bunny's not real.

And those are gay dudes. No, but they're like, oh, this is my girlfriend. It's like, oh. Uh-huh. Oh, how the tables have turned. Well, how many dudes put on this sort of like straight act just for society, for jobs, for career, for whatever, fill in the blank. Like a percentage?

It's a lot, right? I mean, who knows percentage wise? That would be speculative, but it's fairly common. Yeah. I want to say like, for instance, I was in San Diego this past weekend, and it was like, I was like, where are all the black people? Woo-hoo. Where are all the white people? Woo-hoo.

Where's the Mexicans? Woo-hoo. Where's the gay people? I was like, really, guys? Really? No gay people in San Diego? Is that what you're trying to say? Well, no.

It was just one of those, like, duh. You're scared? Yeah. Oh, they didn't want to clap. They didn't want to say anything. And then afterwards, yeah, it's't want to say anything. And then like, and then afterwards, yeah, it's very, very conservative, whatever. Um, but then after the show, I had like, like a couple of guys were like, Hey, uh, yeah. So I'm in the, you were talking about the

military earlier. Yeah. I'm in the, I'm in the military. What are you doing later? You want to go grab a drink or something? I was like, um, quit trying to fuck, sir. Whoa. That's what they do to try to get you to have a drink afterwards? Oh, yeah. Maybe some dude spent a lot of time on a big Navy ship. Which is very terrifying because I'm like, I just feel like I would be like a little piece of veal just thrown to the wolves. Kill you after it's over so you keep it a goddamn secret. Exactly. Exactly. You're going to plug up my military career in Justin Martindale.

You'll never know. I'm like, I refuse. That's not like this. Not like this. I want to go on a big mega volcano. I think that there's obviously a tremendous amount of discrimination, racism, homophobia. There's still a tremendous amount of it. But I think it's getting better.

I really do. I do too. I think culturally, I think we're at a really good time. Yeah. We're seeing change. It's good it's good. Cause I mean, God,

for a while, there was just so boring. Why wouldn't you want to make the world a little more colorful and people are scared. It's sad too. And I've been, I've been scared. I go to, I go to the Midwest and I'm terrified.

You know, there's like parts of the country that I'm just like, my God, like, well, I even like, I remember, I know when I,

God, well, I went back to, to Texas not too long ago. country that i'm just like my god like well i even like i remember i know when i uh god well i went back to to texas not too long ago um but i mean i dress i mean i feel like i dress okay i don't you know but i'll sometimes my shirts may be a little snug sometimes or you know my jeans may be a little tight you know how fashion, the style is out here. And I'll wear that out in a small town. And I just see the looks. Just like, what the hell? He ain't even wearing flannel. Yeah, there's a gay Sasquatch over there.

He ain't got no camo on. Yeah, yeah. Motherfucker, look at him. Oh, his hair's too pretty. What's up with his hair? He's all clean shaven. This hair will make you gay if you touch it. Yeah.

It's a lot of crazy shit like that. It's like Poison crazy shit Like poison ivy But gay I actually didn't know You were gay The first year I knew you Like my gaydar Never went off

Or I never really Had long conversations Get that shit to the shop Get your Bring your gaydar To the shop son Maybe I was just Lost in your eyes

Yep It's very hypnotic You were just lost in LA You were coming from Ohio man You were coming from A time machine Or you were like They don't come up this far

of Santa Monica Boulevard. I kidnapped Brian from the 1950s and brought him into the future. The motherfucker was selling gateway computers. He got robbed by a black wizard the following week after I did. That's right! We talked

about that right out by my house at the time. I know several people who've been held at gun by my house at the time. Wow. Yeah, he was walking back from the car. I know several people. We were all together. At gunpoint in Hollywood over the years. It's not pleasant. Nope.

It's not pleasant at all. It is one of the, and it's one of those, God, it was so. Did you have post-traumatic at all? I did. Yeah, I still have a little of it. I do too. I do too. I think it's not as bad as it was, but it's one of those things where if somebody's behind me

or if somebody pops out, I jerk and let's go. Yeah, or it comes out of the blue really bad. I'll be parking at night, and I'll be like, oh my God, I don't want to get out of my car right now. Out of nowhere, I'm just going to park. There was a time when I did not leave my house. I canceled spots. It's a real issue for people that suffer from violent crimes. Post-traumatic stress is big well and it wasn't necessarily it wasn't violent at all

it was just a like listen it's giving your phone yeah yeah it's yeah it's the the threat of violence but i'm saying it wasn't physical and that's the thing that was scary because like he made me like walk like it was i was in such shock that he robbed me and then started walking down the street that I needed to walk down. So I'm following him. And he turns around. He's like, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm going home. Like, I live right down the street.

He's like, you ain't going to live down the street if you keep following me. And I was like, oh, God. So I honestly, I did the Justin, just the. Roll the eyes. Roll the eyes inside. That's a terrifying thing to hear. I was like, God. So I honestly, I did the Justin, just the... Roll the eyes. Roll the eyes inside. That's a terrifying thing to hear. I was like, God damn it. It took me so long to get here. And then I, so I'm walking around the block.

And as I'm walking around the block, he had gone down the alleyway and got into this white van. And the white van drove off. And that's the thing that scared me the most, was just the fact that I was probably being watched. He was the guy. There's three other guys probably out here. If I fought or if I tried to make an attempt

to not give in my stuff, that's the scary thing to me that they would have probably, yeah. Same thing happened to me. There was another guy in a van across the street. Yeah, they usually use other people. They'll spot, you know, unless they're, I mean, there's obviously people that do it single and desperado. But, you know, if you're going to rob a bunch of people, get in a car, drive somewhere, you look out, no one's coming, get this guy.

They got him, though. I think they got him. Did they? I had to go, I had to file a police report and all that. Did you have to go look at a lineup? Yeah. Really? Did you?

You sure it was him? No. But I honestly told him that. I was like, I can't. I was like, it was 3 o'clock in the morning. It was so dark. And I don't want to be that guy. Yeah.

That guy. And it wasn't him. I was like, honestly, I can't remember. It's really hard. And it was such a long time after it had happened, too. Mm-hmm. So it wasn't like they got him. Oh, God.

I want to say it was like six or seven months afterwards. Yeah. Because apparently, because it was a string of them in Hollywood. Like, it was happening a lot. There was the guy who was, like, throwing the bombs in people's garages. Remember that guy? It was, like, right around that time there was like this crazy crime ring because all the people from LA and Hollywood are like slowly coming

into West Hollywood and people are like, oh, West Hollywood's so safe and it's clean and nice. I'm like, no. If you drive down Santa Monica Boulevard now, it's like there's crazy people. Like it's just out of control. Everyone's losing their minds. Do you think people are targeting people because it's so safe or

people think it's so safe? Yeah. I think it's, you know, I mean, people are stealing people's dogs. Like, that's just messed up. Really? Yes. In West Hollywood? Yeah. You leave your dog in the car, like, someone will come in and take your dog. Like, oh, I'm just going to roll the window down and have the dog, you know, get some air while I'm running into

CVS or something. Someone just comes in and takes the dog and walks away. Sounds like... There's so many shitty people out there in this world. Yeah. There's a lot of great people out there in this world, but god damn, there's some fucking shitheads.

Mm-hmm. Someone's stealing someone's dog. It's so dark. Right? I'm like, who does that? It's a real piece of shit, man. It'd have to be a real piece of shit

to do that. I can do with that. Assholes. Everywhere you look. I'm hoping that that's the the next thing that changes about human beings we slowly but surely start to weed out the assholes in our culture i'm hoping that that's going to be the next evolution of society i'm hoping in your in your in your head that's the it's got to be yeah it's the only thing that's gonna save us we have to realize that these ideas that we have like fighting over various ideologies you know politics uh the way

you know conservative versus liberal white versus black all that stuff is so fucking stupid i think that one day we're going to realize that our only problem in this life is people who are assholes it's our only problem whether it's war or theft or crime or cyber crime or corruption, it's all the same problem. It's people that are assholes, whether it's rape or murder or whatever it is, assholes. It's just shitty human beings, poorly developed humans. I think that's exactly what it is, poorly developed humans. It's a mutation, if you will. Well, we need really strict, not strict, but we need strong philosophies. Like the Tall Whites. Do you know what the Tall Whites are?

No. The Tall Whites are apparently a group of aliens that are in Area 51 now. Oh, for sure. And they are walking amongst us, and they are advanced, and it's like a thing. Do you see the Russian guy? It they are advanced and it's like a thing did you see the Russian guy it's a thing it's like a thing the tall whites the the check out the video of the Russian guy no don't not no no no a Canadian there's a Canadian guy he's in Congress and he's like we all know about these aliens I've seen I don't know but I saw people walking out of the ocean I saw

well you didn't see anybody walking it's the fucking ocean. Yes, I did. You saw a scuba diver. No, it was late. You see a man with a three-piece suit coming out of the ocean? You sure you didn't have poop in your eyes? No. Guys, an asshole who's thinking about killing himself. Okay, guys, this is a hate crime now, all right? Calm down.

You saw an asshole that was thinking about killing himself. No. You saw an asshole that decided to get home to his family. And he walked out of the water, and you're like, aliens! OMG! And you ran away, fucking tweeting it. Did I say OMG Joe? Do I look

like I say OMG out loud? The sparkles came off your heels. Jesus. Okay, that part's true, alright? That was true. With a nice little rainbow stream behind me. You panicked and farted glitter before you ran into your house. Hey, don't be jealous that I fart glitter,

alright? It's a magical thing. What are these aliens you believe in? They're called the Tall Whites. They're not. Listen, all these people that tell you they see aliens are all idiots. That's the universal that's the one thing that's universal about these people. They're almost all idiots. I talked to a guy who was a former

senator on my TV show, on the sci-fi show. He was telling me all about Area 51, all the evidence in Area 51. He's a fucking former senator on my TV show, on the sci-fi show, who was telling me all about Area 51, all the evidence in Area 51. He's a fucking former senator. And I talked to him for 10 minutes. I knew exactly what was going on. I'm like, you're just a silly man. You're a silly man that happened to be a former senator.

You're a guy who's a believer. And you believe in things with zero evidence. I mean, there's almost no evidence except these weird photographs. Oh, here it is. Yeah, listen to play this. We'll end with this because we've got to get out of here. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's end with this.

You're welcome, guys. Yeah, powerful Justin Martindale. It doesn't exist. It doesn't exist? How is that even possible? Well, they probably took it down. Just look up Canadian prime minister, whatever the fuck he was. It's the Canadian Prime Minister

saying that aliens are real. What was his official title? It wasn't Prime Minister, right? I think it was... Minister of Defense or something like that. Canadian... We've got to find it. We'll go back to the advice thing.

What is his name? Hold on. What does the guy do? Oh my God, Brian. This computer's, like, really shitty. Okay. Canadian Prime Minister, aliens. Is it the computer's shitty?

Okay. Canadian's former defense minister. Yeah, that's it. Former defense minister. Okay, so just Google that. Canadian former defense minister. I'll bring in... I have my other laptop.

I'll bring that in from now on. Yeah, I know it's on its way out. One of the species is called the tall white. See? Oh my god, it's so real. It's printed. If it's printed, it's totally real. There are live ETs on Earth at this present time. O-M-G.

A cabal formed by the Council of Foreign Relations, the Bilderbergers, and the Trilateral Commission, the International Banking Cartel, the Oil Cartel, and the select members of the military are planning to create one world government. They are the ones suppressing the information about the aliens to the public.

Bitch. He looks like he would believe in aliens, doesn't he? He's a dumbass. This is an hour and 20 minutes long. Oh, this isn't the one, though, he? He's a dumbass. And by reasoning and by observing... This is an hour and 20 minutes long. Oh, this isn't the one, though. But this is probably a different one. I think it's a different guy. Charles Hall?

Yeah. I don't want the fucking silly fuckheads. Oh, no. That's the thing that I got out of these interviews with all these people. It's not that it's not possible that there's aliens. What the problem is, is these motherfuckers want to believe... That's not that it's not possible that there's aliens. What the problem is, is these motherfuckers want to believe. That's not the guy, Brian.

Just Google Canada's former defense minister UFOs. That's the one. Or aliens. Yeah, I've seen the video. He was on RT. He might have actually been talking to... Excuse me. Who was he talking to? Was he talking to Abby Martin? He was talking to a group of people.

Who's in a... Is it my girl Abby Martin? It is. Let's go to... No, that's not him, Brian. It's not it either. Look, he's a bald old guy. No, it's not Abby Martin. It's this cat. It's this other girl. This is the guy. Look for this one. See this guy? Yeah, it's not Abby Martin. It's this cat. It's this other girl. This is the guy. Look for this one. See this guy? Yeah, this is the... That's...

No, but that's not the video. No. You want the one with him on RT. See, look. It's on the Daily Mail. This is what you want. This silly old bitch. He's crazy.

No. This is the thing, man. But listen to the calm in the room. Here's where the alien... Here's where the... This note doesn't matter. Just because someone says something rationally wouldn't someone just be like shut up no it's just he's a former defense minister and he's talking to a woman who's a newspaper a newscaster she's she's you know i mean whatever kind of journalism degree she has it doesn't mean

that she's gonna call bullshit on this fucking goofy old crazy dude. Look, there may very well be visitors from outer space. It's very possible. But it's also possible that a lot of these people are just nuts and that they want to, that's homeboy, they want to have UFOs be real. More activity in the last few decades since we invented the atomic bomb. What's up with our sound?

I think it's the laptop. Let's get rid of that bitch today. Because the whole cosmos is a unity, and it affects not just us, but other people in the cosmos. Other people in the cosmos? No, this guy's crazy. I could look at him, like, first of all,

he looks like the creepy preacher guy from Poltergeist 2, which I'm very offended by. Here's something that happens to a lot of these old cats. No one wants to fuck them anymore, and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. It's not going to change. It's not like one day they're going to become sexually attractive again. And they look for some new meaning in life,

and the new meaning in life that takes away from all the worry and all the worries and stress is if there are aliens, this whole life is bullshit. So my miserable existence that I have, my depressing, miserable existence, all of a sudden becomes trivial in comparison to the mystery of the cosmos. Right. Aliens are real. The whole world has been thrown on its head. Money doesn't matter.

World politics don't matter. Relationships don't matter. The aliens are real. The whole world has been thrown on its head. Money doesn't matter. World politics don't matter. Relationships don't matter. The aliens are here. Oh my God. And this idea, it's almost like a religious epiphany, sort of a moment for them. It's like they're looking forward to, it's almost like an apocalyptic scenario. Not apocalyptic, but what's the term when God comes back? Armageddon. Well, yeah. Revelation. Revelation. Not apocalyptic, but what's the term when God comes back? Armageddon. Well, yeah. Revelation.

Revelation. It's like something that's going to make our regular, trivial, everyday life that he's a failure at seem meaningless. And I think that's a lot of these guys. It's all these unfuckable white dudes that are out there finding UFOs. Sounds like, are they playing at Coachella this year? It's a need. It's a need for mystery. It's a need for meaning in life.

And I think they distort reality in order to fulfill this need. There's a great deal of attractiveness to mystery, to solving mystery. It's a part of our,'s like i think it's almost like hijacks our natural uh reward mechanisms that we have built in like we we have this need to discover things because human beings have a need to innovate so they could stay alive so that we can you know develop weapons and figure out how to make fire and so this constant need to find out what are the mysteries who's planning things we need to find out who are those people over there are they gonna get us And these needs to solve mysteries,

they're responsible for all these goddamn television shows that are on crime. Every fucking TV show is about solving mysteries and solving crimes, and who did it? Where's the mystery? The big mystery is aliens. That's the grand finale. That's the fireworks in the Fourth of July one.

That ancient alien show, that scares the shit out of me Plus that guy's hair Well, Giorgio Suclos, who's a very nice guy As is Philip Coppens, the late, great Philip Coppens Who we had on the podcast We had two guys from Ancient Aliens on Great guys I love that show

Not stoned, though I can't do it stoned I'm just like, oh god They have some really fascinating subjects And they're right they're they have a really fascinating subject yeah and they're right about a lot of things but they also skirt around facts sometimes in order to make their case a little bit stronger and there was an ancient aliens debunked video that someone put online really explained what's wrong with a lot of things they say they make a lot of conclusions where they jump immediately to aliens. It had to have been extraterrestrial beings.

Extraterrestrial knowledge. That's a good impression. Is it possible that extraterrestrials created humans to mine for copper? They have all these crazy theories. They're fun. It's neat. It is fun.

It's fun to sit around and watch. But as far as scholarly work, there's almost none that make any sense about aliens. Some ancient images, and there's some artwork that's pretty fascinating. There's a lot of ancient Egyptian iconography. There's the hieroglyphs. Yeah.

Eric von Däniken, yeah, who did Chariots of the Gods. It's a great book and a really interesting documentary. Even if he's wrong did Chariots of the Gods. It was a great book and a really interesting documentary. Even if he's wrong about Chariots of the Gods, about the origins of these different things in his documentary, even if he's wrong about them being extraterrestrial, they're still fascinating mysteries. They're fascinating mysteries that most likely were a lot of really sophisticated construction methods

that we don't know about now, that we lost somewhere or another. It was lost in some raid, like getting raided by the Romans or the Mongols or who knows where the fuck the information went. But there was a lot of really sophisticated construction techniques thousands and thousands of years ago. That's much more likely than all this shit was created by aliens. But the actual images and the actual sites and the mysteries themselves are still fascinating. And maybe even more fascinating if it wasn't aliens.

The fact that people were so fucking smart 4,500 years ago that they made the pyramids. I mean, that's incredible. And that's a fact. I mean, they carbon date the stuff inside the pyramids, and it goes back to 2,500 B.C. So they're pretty goddamn sure that someone at least was living there 2,500 B.C. and was already built. But just the fact that it's at least 5,000 years old or 4,500 years old, just at least, at least that old, that is goddamn fascinating. I've been there, and when you see them like that, you're just like, wow. Insane.

Even the Sphinx, too. I've never been there, but I've been to Chichen Itza. I saw the Mayan pyramids. Yeah, I want to do that. They're mind-blowing. Yeah. You just stop and think about it. These fucking people living in a Stone Age time got these goddamn rocks.

Yeah. With those basins of water. There's caves. They're just filled with water. How did you get these rocks here What did you do How did you make this Fucking giant structure

A thousand years ago Or whatever Just a step 1500 years ago Steps yeah Yeah it's amazing Amazing shit It's one of my favorite movies

Apocalypto I love that movie But the people love to go That's a good fucking movie It's a great movie You know it's a good movie too Because it's like Right when he was being shamed

Right And people realize Like yeah he's crazy But god damn that motherfucker Knows how to make a movie I because it's like right when he was being shamed. And people realize like, yeah, he's crazy. But God damn that motherfucker knows how to make a movie. I loved that movie. It didn't get enough credit, right? It didn't. I don't think it did.

I think it did. It went, yeah, but I don't think. I think everyone was kind of in that shame phase. We're like, oh, we're not going to support it, but it's a great film. Well, The Passion of the Christ. I didn't see that one. I saw that. That was not a good movie.

Yeah. It was basically a two-hour movie about a dude who was magic who got his ass kicked. I mean, that was exactly what the movie was about. It was just two hours of them beating the fuck out of the guy. It was almost perverted in a way. It was like people were taking some sort of pleasure out of this torture film. It was like people were like taking like some sort of pleasure out of this torture film. It was almost like a snuff film. Because yeah, I know it's

representative of the Lord and representative of our Savior and all that good stuff, but the movie wasn't that. The movie was just violence. I remember a lot of people saying that it was like, and I think that's the reason why I didn't want to go see it, because everyone's like, oh, you're going to cry. And I'm like, that's what they want you to do. They want you to, oh God, look what we did. Look what they did to see it because everyone's like oh you're gonna cry and I'm like that's what they want you to do they want you to oh god look what we did look what they did to him

and it's like it was it was such a push and just like they threw it in your face just you know non-stop you know what's interesting though you don't hear about that movie anymore like it was a huge it was massive yeah but it's it didn't last yeah like it's not something that people go and watch today and talk about watch the passion Watch The Passion of the Christ today. Reaffirm my faith. Yeah. Hashtag God bless. Yeah.

That doesn't happen. Right. Like, maybe it happens. It was like The Secret. But it doesn't happen very often. Like, The Secret was that. Remember The Secret was like, Well, The Secret is,

Mel Gibson's fucking crazy. Yeah. And when that secret got out, everybody was like, Oh, well, fucking, I'm not going to see this fucking movie. Yeah.

And then the one before that with Willem Dafoe, remember that one? Which one was that? There was a Christ movie with Willem Dafoe that was very, very controversial. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. The last... Supper.

No, the something something of Christ. Last Temptation of Christ. Last Temptation of Christ, 1988. Yeah, Last Temptation of Christ. Four stars, ladies and gentlemen. Willem Dafoe was sexy. Green Goblin He was sexy

Those cheekbones Hadn't quite made him Creepy yet He was just distinctive And interesting There's a new Jesus movie Coming out this year Oh thank god

There's a new one Son of God What is it? Son of God No There's a lot of Bible movies coming out There's Noah

Noah's coming out Yeah who's doing Noah That's what Russell Crowe Russell Crowe Russell Crowe There's Noah. Noah's coming out. Yeah, who's doing Noah? That's Russell Crowe. Russell Crowe, yeah. Russell Crowe. Who's the director? That's like a good director. I'm not sure.

I have to IMDb that there's Noah. There's Exodus. Exodus is coming out as well. Yeah, Darren Ornovsky. That guy's a bad motherfucker. Why is he doing this Noah movie? Well, it looks very sci-fi, too. It looks very...

The 300-like. Right, yeah. There's guys coming out of the woods like, go to the ark! I'm just like, hey, this isn't your King James version. Have you ever seen the ad? I saw...

The Super Bowl ad for it? It's all extreme, right? The trailer? Explosions. Pull it up. We'll end on this. We'll end on Noah. Noah movie official big game.

We started with a massive volcano. We're going to end with a beautiful... Yeah, Super Bowl ad Noah. Just pull up that. Super Bowl ad Noah. And this will be the last day you hear this shitty laptop, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, thank God. We'll replace this ad.

Praise God. Am I right? Praise Jesus. Praise Jesus. Praise David Kokesh. Noah. Anthony Hopkins is in everything. Praise Odin.

Praise Odin. Praise Odin is like a hashtag. The great flood is coming. The storm cannot be stopped. It can be survived. We have to protect our family. Okay, stop it. The sound's killing me.

Sorry. It's almost like Taken. It's like Taken the Bible. It's like, we've got to save our family. I'm like, no, wasn't the world covered in water? And why is Liam Neeson kicking everybody's ass at 60? What's going on there? Liam Neeson is in every movie.

He's kicking everyone's ass. Yeah. Here's a on there? Liam Neeson is in every movie, he's kicking everyone's ass. Yeah. Here's a new one coming out. Ass kicker. Ass kicker. Some old. Irish ass kicker. Yeah.

Liam Neeson, Irish ass kicker. He's in everything, just kicking ass. Yeah. Wolves kicked wolves' asses. Mm-hmm. Come on. Come on, you wolf. Come on, wolves.

I'm an Irish ass kicker. Is he Irish? Is he Irish? That makes sense? It seems like he is. Liam Neeson. I think he's Irish. Irish ass kicker.

He's an Irish ass kicker. Good day, mates. All right. Good day, mate. Justin Martindale. How do they find you? Just Martindale on Twitter. At Just Martindale.

Just Martindale. Don't put in Justin Martindale because Cause it's some other dude. Yeah. Free tweet the other day. Yeah. And he was like, you're welcome, bitch. A lot of dick got thrown your way because of that.

Boom. Son. Do, do, do, do, do. Thank you for having me,

Joe. Thanks for being on. Dude. It was a lot of fun. Absolutely. More often. Absolutely. Anytime.

Come on down. Let's talk some shit. If people want to see you perform, where are you doing your hilarious stand-up comedy routine? I will be at the Comedy Store. I'm a regular at the Comedy Store. Laugh Factory as well. And I'm shooting a pilot this month for the E! Network. So check that out.

Hopefully it'll go. I can't really. I can't say. Non-disclosure. See, ladies and gentlemen, he's a team player. Yeah. Even under the influence of possibly any illegal drug. He's a team player.

He still sticks to that non-disclosure. Put him in your pilot. Thanks, dude. It was a lot of fun, man. Hey, Joe. Anytime. Thank you so much. Anytime, man. Thanks, Brian.

We'll do it again for sure. See you tonight, Brian. Boom, shalot. Ew. Leave the back door open. Hey, you fucks. What does that mean? Hey, you fucks.

This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience was brought to you by 1-800-Flowers. And 1-800-Flowers. Use the code word JRE and get yourself a lovely bouquet of fantastic flowers. It is a wonderful website. It is a good thing to do. So go and buy. I just bought some with that coupon code at the beginning of the show. Did you really?

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And save yourself 10%, you fucks. And Onnit.com. That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off of any supplements. All right, I'll be back on Friday with Cameron Haynes, very famous elk bow hunter. Talk about being specific. But a very interesting and inspirational guy.

I'm looking forward to talking to him. I really enjoy his videos online. And lots more coming up. I've got a lot of interesting guests, ladies and gentlemen. We looking forward to talking to him. I really enjoy his videos online. And lots more coming up. I've got a lot of interesting guests, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to have some fun. Thanks for all the love. Always. Whether it's on Twitter or Facebook or in real life, thanks. Everybody came to

New York. Tommy Skurr and I had a great fucking time. We do always. I'm consistently impressed by the quality of people that come to these shows. Just awesome fucking human beings. And you guys give me hope. All right. Not that I didn't have hope.

I'm full of hope, bitch. All right. See you soon. Big kiss. Mwah.