The Joe Rogan Experience - #45 - Tom Green

Episode Date: September 29, 2010

Joe sits down with Tom Green.

According to server right now. Lots to look at in this room too. Just lots of skulls. Things we can... This is a video that someone did with Greg Giraldo. Greg Giraldo doing stand-up and ranting while they played music in the background. For those of you that didn't know, Greg Gerardo overdosed, and today he died. Why is marijuana not legal? It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt.

You know what's not natural? 80-year-old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural, but we got pills for that. We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect, but we're putting people in jail for smoking something that grows in the dirt. You know, we have more prescription drugs now. Every commercial on TV is a prescription drug ad. I can't watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases. Like, do you ever wake up tired in the mornings?

Oh, my God, I have this. Write this down. Whatever it is, I have it. Half the time, you don't even know what the commercial is. There's people running through fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean. Like, that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that? That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy. The schools, now, it's all about self-esteem in the schools build a kid's self-esteem make them feel good about themselves if everybody grows up with high self-esteem who's gonna dance in our strip clubs what's gonna happen

to our porno industry these women don't just grow on trees it takes lots of drunk daddies missing a lot of dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for 50 bucks and if that disappears where does that leave me on a Friday with my new high-speed connection? Baby, sing, sing, sing Sing your song Sing for me Come on, sing Sing, sing, sing

Sing your song Sing for me Sing, sing, sing Anything in the sky Thinks of me Masterminds is another word that comes up all the time. You keep hearing about these terrorist masterminds that are being killed over the Middle East. Terrorist masterminds. Masterminds is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do. Don't you think? They're not masterminds.

Okay, you take bomb, right? And you put it in backpack, then you get on the bus, and you blow yourself up. Why do I have to blow myself up? Why don't I put... Who's the f***ing mastermind here? Me or you? Americans, let's face it, we've been a spoiled country for a long time. You know what the number one health risk in America is?

Obesity. Obesity. They say we're in the middle of an obesity epidemic. An epidemic like it's polio. Like we'll be telling our grandkids about it one day. The great obesity epidemic of 2004. How'd you get through it, Grandpa? Oh, it was horrible, Johnny.

There was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere. Nobody knows why we're getting fatter. Look at our lifestyles. I'll sit at a drive-thru. I'll sit there behind 15 other cars instead of getting up and making an eight-foot walk to the totally empty counter. Everything's mega meal, super-sized. Want Biggie fries with that? Want a jumbo fry? Want a collage? Want a Biggie fry? Want a 30 burgers for a nickel?

You fat mother f***er, there's room in the bag. Take it. Want a 55-gallon drum of coke with that? It's only three more cents. You sing your song. You sing for me. Baby, sing, sing, sing. You sing your song. You sing for me. Sometimes you gotta suffer a little in your youth to motivate you to succeed later in life. You think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, you you think there'd be a Microsoft? Of course not. You got to spend a lot of time stuffed in your own locker with your underwear wedged up your ass before you start thinking, I'm going to take over the world of computers. You'll see, I'll show him. We're in

one of the richest countries in the world and the minimum wage is lower now than it was 35 years ago. There are homeless people everywhere. This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him and I thought he's just going to use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard? People love to judge homeless guys. Like, you give him the money, he's just going to waste it. He's going to waste the money.

Well, he lives in a box. What do you want him to do with it? Save it up and buy a wall unit? Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He's homeless. I walked behind this guy the other day. A homeless guy asked him for money. He looks right at the homeless guy.

He goes, why don't you go out and get a job, you bum? People always say that to homeless guys. Get a job like it's always that easy. This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants. I'm guessing his resume ain't all up to date. I'm predicting some problems during the interview process. I'm pretty sure even McDonald's has an underwear-go-inside-the-pants policy. Not that they enforce it very strictly, but technically, I'm sure it's on the books. So if you didn't know, Greg Giraldo, very funny, very smart,

very clever stand-up comedian, passed away, and they're talking about it on the news today, so I guess it's official. Sucks. Sucks. What can you say? He's a very nice guy. I didn't know him that well. I was on news radio. He was on a show. I forget the name of it, but his set was right down the street from my set, so I hung out with him quite a few times. Super friendly, very nice guy, very smart. You know, he just, I don't know what happened. I know he had had some substance things in the past, but I thought, I don't know, who knows?

I don't know if this was an accident, if he just was partying, I don't know. Did you see him on the roast, the Hasselhoff roast? No. A lot of people noted something about him that seemed different than normal. What'd they say? They seemed to be very coked up.

Coked up? Yeah, that's what the quote-unquote look and style was. But, you know, I wouldn't say that. I can't say that. I look coked up, and I've never done coke ever. Exactly. People always say, Rogan, lay off the coke. You're all coked up.

I've never even done coke once. I've never done coke. Tom Green is with us, ladies and gentlemen. If you don't know, the sound of this man's voice to my right. Yeah, this is the reason why I'm doing this. This guy is the reason why I'm doing this. Sort of a somber occasion to be here. And it was nice to be able to listen to some of his comedy today on this obviously a sad occasion.

He had some great stuff. He was a good dude, too. And he was awesome on roasts. On roasts, he would destroy guys. Yeah. Just perfectly, where there was nothing they could do. The Leary one. Oh, my.

Jesus Christ. Well, the Leary did that to him on Tough Crowd, yeah. Yeah, that was the most amazing thing I've ever seen on video. And he wasn't even an asshole about it. No. He could have been way more of an asshole about it. He was actually, he did it with a lot of reserve, you know? He was a very nice guy.

It's been a tough year for him. Robert Schimmel just passed away as well. Can I change the topic now? Sure. I'm getting upset. To be honest, you're getting me upset. We have to thank our sponsor. We're sponsored by the Fleshlight.

Yes. I know. First of all, this is cool to be here. It's exciting to be here. Thanks for having me up to the show. Thank you for being here, man. If it wasn't for you, I would have never even thought to have done this. When I went over to your house, when you had me over to your house for your show, and he has, this is what we're doing here.

We have like a couch. We have some microphones. We have a desk that I bought at Z Gallery. Yeah, this is awesome. This is fucking as low rent as you can get. This is a little Logitech webcam. But Tom has like a serious, serious setup at his place. His place is don't be showing everybody our secrets, man.

But this is a whole different system you guys have here, which is cool. It's cool to watch and I'm seeing how you're broadcasting here. Our audio was terrible for the longest time, so we had to tighten it up. So people complained and we listened. So we went out and bought all this fucking, so we had to tighten it up. So people complained, and we listened. So we went out and bought all this fucking crazy equipment, and we've got it down. Now we have new microphones. We just tried them yesterday. Oh, these are new microphones.

We used to use stage mics, like the mics you use for stand-up, which are great if you're holding them up to your mouth. SM58? I don't remember the exact. But there's a silver one? Sure something. Sure. Sure made them. S-C-H-U-R-E. Sure SM58.

Look that up on Google, everybody. We are now on some Audio Technica microphones. That's right. They seem to be much better. These are actually for this. On my show, I don't have the headphones because we're trying to make it like it's not a radio show. This is like a radio show.

I did a radio show in college at Ottawa University at CHUO 89.1 FM. a radio show. I did a radio show in college at Ottawa University at CHUO 89.1 FM. Look that up. It's an added element to the conversation when you hear each other's voices. You can hear your voice right there in your ear. It's like you're sure. The secret is definitely the double

cassette player that we use, though. What's that? Double cassette player. Our secrets. Our tech secrets of how we run this podcast oh yeah that is good yeah laser disc players

and double cassette they got running they're running YouTube videos off on 8-track battery operated only you don't want any interference yeah it's very

what's the word when something's all helter skelter what's the word gorilla it's a smorgasbkelter. What's the word? Gorilla. It's a smorgasbord of wires. It's a ridiculous pile of shit.

Helter-skelter. No previous knowledge. That's cool. You can see the evolution of the podcast like amoebas becoming fish. You can watch the whole thing. We owe it all to Amazon, too. Yeah, Amazon.com. One click is a motherfucker.

What do you need? We need one of these. Bam. This is fun. In college, I did my radio show. It was a phone-in show. I'd go there every Friday night at midnight. It was called The Midnight Caller.

I did this show for six years, not even when I was in high school. And then after, when I was in community college, I took television broadcasting at Algonquin College in Ottawa, Canada, named after the Algonquin Indians. Now, I've always been curious about television broadcasting. When you take a course like that, what do they have you do? Do you pretend to be like a newscaster? It was mostly, it's mostly technical, like it wasn't on camera. There was one on camera course, but it was mostly like editing, video editing, lighting, photography, how to work a video camera, how to set all your technical stuff. And we had one broadcast news writing course, and we had some single camera video production and film type courses. But it was mostly technical.

It must be hard as fuck to keep up. It was mostly tech, well, mostly technical. It must be hard as fuck to keep up. Like, if you learn how to video edit from a few years ago, you know, if you graduated a few years ago, now you go to today. We were learning how to do it on three quarter inch video cassette, okay? The videotapes are this big, you put them in this bun, and it's like, you know, two A, B roll, two videotapes, then it moved, then we got high eight, you know? This was before computers, editing, computer editing, two videotapes. Then we got hi-eight. This was before computers, editing,

computer editing. They had Avids and stuff, but not at the school. They were too expensive at that point. I edited it on Paintbrush. I started off with Paintbrush. We have movies on Paintbrush. It's unbelievable what you can do now. That's what's so exciting about this.

That's the most incredible thing. You can produce something, attach music to it, edit it, all on your phone. On your fucking phone, man. That's the most incredible thing. You can produce something, attach music to it, edit it, all on your phone. On your fucking phone, man. It's amazing. We're in strange, strange times. I'm getting the new iPhone within the next couple days just because

my friend just got it and I'm jealous. Yeah, it's an envious thing. That's the motherfucker of devices. He picks it up. He's shooting high def video. You know, you can devices. He picks it up. He's shooting high def video. You know, you can touch, have you seen it? You touch the screen and oh, you have one.

You touch the screen and oh, you got one already too. Brian and I are super geeked out. You have one too? We're total technology geeks. I have the oldest iPhone ever. My iPhone is the old one. That thing has a crank on it. That thing runs on wood.

The resolution is insane. The photos are insane. It's just amazing that we've got a device like that. That is like some serious Star Trek shit. It slowly crept up on us from the Motorola Razr to a Microsoft Office phone.

And then when it gets to this iPhone, I mean, that is a fucking home computer. I can no longer be proud of this. This is the way I used to feel about this. Well, it's still local. Now this is some old... As long as you keep the case on it. A lot of people... Can you swear on the show?

Yeah, you can swear like a motherfucker. This is some old piece of shit is what this is. That's the sad thing about technology. That's probably only a few months old, right? Yeah. This is two years old. They have sound boards. Have you played these sound boards?

No. Oh, you know, I did. You have a sound board. I did the IMT pain download. I enjoy that. I enjoy doing the IMT pain app. We're talking obscure iPhone apps. Yeah, that's a good one.

It's an auto-tune. So you've always, from your time in broadcasting school to now, you've always been really involved in the technology of the behind-the-scenes stuff. You know, I kind of figured, when I was in high school, and I thought it'd be fun to do a TV show someday, is basically what I thought. I was watching David Letterman at night, and I was thinking, man, that would be the most fun thing to ever do, I was thinking. And little did I know.

But no, it's a lot of fun doing this stuff. But the thing is, sometimes it's not so fun. But the thing is, so I said, no one's ever going to let me do a show. I'm going to have to go do a show at the public access station. We'll make our own show. I went to school, learned how to make the videos, went to the public access station, started the show. Wow. Did it for seven years.

Well, you became very popular because of your public access show. That's what got you started off. You're also a rap star, too, though. That's basically what got picked up by MTV was the public access show. Really? And it had a Canadian rap group. That was before the public access show. Yeah. That was when what got picked up by MTV was the Public Access Show. Really? And it had a Canadian rap group. Yeah,

that was before the Public Access Show. That was when I was a kid. Yeah, rapping. Yeah, people, they see this man

and he's very white and he has a beard and he's very conservative looking, very polite. You don't know, he's a badass rapper. Tom Green can rap

his fucking ass off. I was listening to you your shit today, man. Do you have anything on YouTube that you could throw up? I got it right here. Really? Yeah, let me hear a Tom Green rap rap his fucking ass off I was listening to your shit today man Do you have anything on YouTube that you can throw up? I got it right here Let me hear a Tom Green rap

I love rap music man I take shit for it I make beats Before I started doing the video editing I made beats at home So I had my own little Atari computer Hooked up to a Kai sampler And a keyboard

I like the camera with the monitor. Is this it? Are you playing it right now? Yeah. Oh, this is, you're playing something. It actually, it's kind of funny when you play music, because we recorded this song, you know, 22 years ago or something like that. And we were kids, you know, and our teenagers, and this is us walking around downtown.

When is you? Tell me when it's you. I'm the one in the red jacket. And I made the music, which is essentially a sample. That's my friend Greg. Greg Campbell. And you guys are from Ottawa? Yeah, from Ottawa. So it was fun. We actually got a record deal when we were in high school.

And the song and the video was playing on TV and everything. It was a very exciting time for two young rappers from Ottawa. This video won the 1992 Much Music Video Award, CMVA award. We performed live on the CMVA awards and I covered myself with shaving cream for no reason and got up in the lens of the camera, covered myself in shaving cream so we weren't like the sort of hardcore have you auto-tuned

this yet? have you tried to remix it? no that's me rapping see walking through the grocery store let me hear this

I love Public Enemy but this is this is old, though. You've got to hear my new shit. You've got to hear my new shit. All right, where can we get some of your new shit? I don't know. It's probably floating around.

I don't know. No, this is the one to look at. This is the one to look at. This is really good, man. I've had a lot of fun surprising rappers that have come on my web show. Actually, that's a funny clip you could show. Oh, were you in? Who was it? Exhibit. Yeah. Or a big show. Actually, that's a funny clip you could show. Oh, were you in... With Exhibit.

Exhibit, yeah. Or, you know, you can go look at it on YouTube. Go to that. Just play a second. It's funny because he starts cracking up in sort of a funny moment, you know, where he's, and, you know, but... Did you initially want to be a rapper

before you became a comedian? Not really, no. I was like, I was in high school, and I thought it was a fun thing to do on stage at the assemblies. You had a battle of the bands night. It was an excuse to get up on stage, so we made this rap group. I liked listening to it. I was listening to like, nobody knew what rap music was in my uh high school everyone was listening to you know mainstream music i was listening to boogie down productions nwa public enemy you know which was not tribe called quest these groups weren't

really mainstream yet in on the radio in canada like in the 80s 90s but uh but yeah so but you know what i was thinking about this the other day. Rap music back then is kind of like, it kind of provided what the internet provides now, which is a glimpse into other parts of the world, other places. You know, here it was, we were in Canada and we're listening to these songs coming out of New York,

coming out of, you know, Boogie Down Productions out of the South Bronx and we're listening to them telling all these tales of life on the streets in the South Bronx, and you're listening to this, and you're going on a cassette, and you're listening to it, and you're Walkman on the way to school,

and criminal-minded, the record, and you're like, oh, man, listen to these stories. And so that's... Yeah, I was thinking about that driving over here today. It's kind of sad, because in a way, that might be something that disappears from music now, because of the internet. Maybe that's going to screw up music.

Why is that going to screw up music? Well, because we don't have to go to music now to get those kinds of stories. I guess we would listen to them on the internet. I think anything good is going to stick around. There's not going to be anything that's awesome that's going to go away. Everybody's like, oh, this is going to be the death of music. How can anything be the death of music when everybody loves music? That's ridiculous. It's like, going to be the death of music. How can anything be the death of music when everybody loves music? That's ridiculous.

It's like, it'll be the death of comedy. I guess I'm just sort of more curious to see how it'll affect it or how it'll evolve. It'll be good. Yeah. It'll be good. Yeah. Well, now there's so many more places that people want to make music and just distribute their music to, right?

Yeah. So it's perfect. So many more people have access. It's perfect. Just us. The fact that we can do this. The fact that we can do this and just broadcast talking over the internet. You can become famous from bands.

That little kid, the one that sang that cover of the Lady Gaga song. Oh yeah, the one on Ellen. Ellen gave a record deal. That was brilliant, dude. That gave me goosebumps. I listened to that kid sing. It gave me goosebumps. I made my whole family listen to it. I was like, this is incredible. This kid's so fucking talented.

And he's in a high school, like not even, was it even high school? No. No, it was like a middle school. And what was cool about the video was it was all girls listening in the background.

You could see the girls were into it. They were crushing. They were crushing on him. That was cool. They couldn't help themselves. They were like, they were a little moistening while they were sitting up.

They were like 13. It was interesting. This one girl was going, oh my God. Yeah. Oh my God. They couldn't believe it. That's sort of the... That we have to play.

Play that, man. Find that shit and play it. That's sort of the... We're not going to play the whole thing for people. What is this? The fucking music show? Is that on Ellen? Yeah.

You know what? Fuck it. Go find it yourself. That's the dream in high school, though, to get up on stage, say something or do something that everybody in the entire school is staring at you like Michael J. Fox in the Back to the Future playing the guitar on the stage like you're from outer space or something. What a weird pressure that is for children to want to stand out like that. That's got to be so strange for kids. I don't remember the feeling myself, but if you wanted to be some sort of an actor or something and you were 10 and you were in were in school, and you saw some girl that was on a show, and she was 10. And you're like, what the fuck?

How come I can't be on that show? Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's a terrible way to be raising kids. Yeah. Thinking about getting the most attention possible for almost nothing, like instantaneously become famous. So everything that your parents, all the character that gets developed from hard work, that's all nonsense. I made it already. Bang. Shut up. 14 and made it.

Yeah, they put too much pressure on people, huh? Look at Lindsay Lohan. Especially in this day and age now, where, yeah, you're seeing it. It's in your face all the time, you know, man. You could swear, dude. All the fucking time, man. Shoving the shit down our fucking throats. Okay. It's true. But we're shoving it down our own throats.

The strangest thing about hollywood is that hollywood's tricking the very people that make it yeah you know there's the grand conspiracy theory is that like man you know the hollywood is trying to condition us to be like like subservient to our government man and be patriotic but no hollywood is giving you what you want to see yeah hollywood's giving you what you want to see. Hollywood's giving you what you want to see, and they're doing what they like, too. They're making the kind of stupid shit that they like to watch. It's like the people that are creating it are just as much of a victim of the conditioning

as the people that they're selling it to. People don't realize that. They think it's some grand scheme. No, supply and demand. People want to see sex tapes and then see the people go do shows and watch their lives and sort of see everything

and know everything, right? Do you watch Jersey Shore? I've seen it. I've only seen it once, but I enjoyed it a lot. I found it very... I laughed a lot watching the show. And I can see why people watch it. Those guys are like pretty funny too, right? I guess. I've only seen it once.

They're hamming it up to the camera. They're having a good time. Yeah. You're watching people. You're being voyeuristic into a completely different world. I'm so stuck with the Hills though and everything like that. I don't buy the Jersey Shore. I almost think everything's fake now on MTV.

Well, apparently it's all set up, but I don't care. It's encouraging bad behavior. There's still, even if it's fake, it's like these people, like, wow. You watch it, it's like watching a National Geographic special on some fucking tribe that they found in the jungle. It doesn't even seem like humans. Yeah. I mean, but it's pretty funny, man. And all they're trying to do is get their dicks sucked in.

Yeah. It's really kind of funny because it's real. I mean, that really is what that guy's doing. He's just trying to fucking hit it every night. Different girls all over the place. He's showing you his abs and he's going to clubs and girls are going. I mean, it's working. It's working.

He's pulling it off and it's working. I think the thing that's bizarre about all the reality TV, though, is not to overanalyze it. I guess maybe I'd be overanalyzing it at that point. But we were talking about my broadcasting course. They taught us about documentation and making documentary. We had a documentary filmmaking course. And they talk about when you put a camera on something, right, it changes what you're filming, right? So you can never really make a true documentary of anything.

Because as soon as you put the camera on it, it's going to change what's going on. Like in this case, you put the camera on all these kids in the Jersey Shore, right? And they're like, okay, we've got to go crazy for the camera. So they go getting in fights. They're doing all this fights. That's true, but... And then people are going to watch that and it's going to get worse and worse and then people are going to have to get more fights. People are going to start... You know, we're going to have

snuff film television. Nah, I don't think we'll ever... People don't want to see that kind of negative stuff. They want to be fascinated by closed doors. Total recall. Faces of death. They want the couple to make out and then close the door. That's what they wanted to stop.

Yeah. It's all fascinating to me, man, because it's so easy to change behavior by just putting a camera on it. If that's really the case, if all you have to do is add a camera, add the fact that other people are going to get to see it and it changes everything. Yeah. No, they're still doing this. Even if they're faking it and acting it out, I don't care.

They're still doing all this stuff on the show. And to me, look, it's like some sort of a National Geographic special. It really is. Yeah. I want to watch it more. Yeah, I can't help myself. I have to watch it more. So it really is.

So yeah, they think they just get used to the camera, and that's just the way they would be living life. I grew up with people like that. They're chimps. Yeah. They're chimps, and they're everywhere. There's a bunch of chimps out there with gold chains on. Yeah.

And they're just out there running around, not giving a fuck about how the world works That's exactly what it's like in the jersey Yeah, there's I knew dudes from back when I was in high school that did not give a fuck how the world works Yeah, all they wanted did they worked they did like they were electricians They would work and then when they get off work They'd want to get fucked up and go get laid. And they didn't know anything. They didn't know what was going on. They had no idea. Didn't give a fuck.

Didn't pay attention. What am I going to do? Am I going to follow fucking politics? I'm going to go out and get my dick sucked. Come on. What am I going to do here? What am I going to do? Am I going to follow politics?

Politics. That shit ain't real, yo. That shit ain't real. I grew up with dudes like that. So when I see them putting cameras on people like that, I go, oh, no. They gave these savages a fucking camera? They gave them airtime?

Actually, now I'm starting to, I'm a little bit mad at myself that I haven't watched it more. I think I've been withdrawing a little bit from television. Me too. Last couple years. Purposely not watching anything other than CNN, actually, is pretty well all I've watched. I'm all forensic shit. I don't even watch American, I watched American Idol because everybody watched it. I don't watch that.

I don't watch that anymore. I used to like watching the people suck in the beginning. But then I'm like, what's wrong with you, you sick fuck? You want to watch people fail? Yeah. I was like, how's that fun? Every now and then you see one that's brilliant. Well, guess what?

I'll find that one on YouTube, okay? Tell me some amazing thing like that Susan Day. What was her name? The one who really sang? Yeah. Susan Boyle. Boyle? Susan Boyle.

Susan Boyle. Yeah. I mean, that was fascinating. I mean, that was really incredible. I mean, she had an amazing voice. But how many hours do I have to sit through of bullshit before I get to that? Yeah. And it was the perfect moment.

And it was just sort of the perfect, perfect thing that happened there. But, you know, to me, the thing is, I don't like the... I used to like the beginning when they were, you know, fucking up, too, at the beginning, and they were making fools of themselves at the beginning. But now it seems like the people coming in are coming on purpose to be bad. On purpose to fuck up, yeah. So, you know, I don't know. I can't watch that anymore.

Yeah. And then now the music all sucks on the radio now, because it all comes out of that same thing, right? All the music now... Does it all suck, man? It's all coming out of that same funnel. It's like, oh, we've got to do a really good jefferson airplane impression you know you know you think so i can't stand the new music there's always good stuff man you just gotta find it there's just so much well that's the problem see i don't know how to find it i i agree i know there is good stuff because

there is good stuff that i find in here sometimes but just going through life now like when you're walking you're in an elevator you're walking a mall, or you're listening to the radio or the mainstream stuff, it's all this shit. Yeah, that's true. I don't listen to college radio anymore. I don't know what the station is, so I don't know how to find the cool underground stuff. Do you do Pandora at all? Yeah, I do do that, but I don't know what to type into a search. It's your favorite people.

You know when you're in school and stuff and you're around people. But I'm in my living room. You know what really sucks, man? The loss of the DJ. The loss of the DJ. The DJ to me is one of the things I miss the most about the radio, about growing up and listening to the radio. I would listen to guys and listen to the shit that they liked to listen to.

They were cool guys. the radio, I would listen to guys and listen to the shit that they liked to listen to. And they were cool guys. And they would like, there was Charles Laquadera was this guy who used to do the Big Mattress show on, I think it was WBCN, BCN or COZ, back in Boston. And it was like this morning show where he would go on and it was a comedy show and they would fuck around, but he would play songs too. And he played the shit that he wanted to hear. Yeah, and you're like, that guy's funny. I like that guy's point of view that's the music he likes yeah

there's this guy am i feeling that mark parento was the the afternoon dj and you know he was like a big supporter of comedy too he always did like comedy competitions and shit and he would play the shit that he wanted to hear and like you got a sense of what this cool guy likes this music you know he'd tell you you know why he likes song, what's so badass about it, check it out. Bam, and he plays it. And it's like, that's a show. That's a show. What they're doing now is just sticking all sorts of songs that they think they can get you to pay attention to together.

And then they throw them in there. There's no one personality behind it. Yeah, the radio DJs don't... I don't think the radio DJs really have much of a choice in what they put on the air anymore. No, they don't. They're just kind of there. They're a voice.

There's an art to being a true fan of the music and going out there and listening to different stuff and collecting your own favorites and saying, look at this cool shit that I got. Yeah, that's what I miss. That's what I'm trying to say I miss right there because it's like now you listen to the radio. It's all been focus group tested out.

This is this. This sounds like this. This is the so-and-so from American Idol. American Idol. This sounds like American Idol. This all sounds like a... And it all sounds the same to me. Brian and I have very similar tastes.

And I sound like an old guy now. Now I sound like an old guy, right? No, you don't. Because I just turned 39 years old. I just turned 39. You don't sound like an old guy. Yeah, one year from 40. And I'm starting to sound like my dad, saying none of the music today is good.

It's not like it was back when I was a kid. Everybody says that. But there's good stuff. You just have to find it. It's just hard to do. Brian and I have very similar tastes, and Brian is always finding me cool shit. He's always finding. He's an internet fiend.

He's always connecting. I always look forward to it. New cool shit is fun man There's a lot of it out there It's just there's so much to sift through There's so much data Pandora helps me the most Just being at a club and hearing a really good DJ

And I'll hook up the Shazam And that shit finds me some crazy stuff Shazam if you don't know If you don't have that program on your phone It's the most incredible thing You wouldn't even believe it's real You hold your phone up to a speaker That plays the song and it tells you what the song is and it lets you buy it on your phone sound snap actually lets you hum a song so you'd be like yeah you know

i told that to eddie and he's like that's impossible he's trying to tell me about music chords and this and that and that and this i'm like i'm telling you they do it that's what it is it's just waveforms you know that's what it is. It's just waveforms. That's what it does. It takes the song and makes it a waveform, like a picture, like a JPEG, and it just puts it in a database. Analyzes it. Yeah, analyzes it, and it's like matching fingerprints. It's actually pretty brilliant how it works,

and it's not that big of a deal. It's pretty easy. Are we even going to know when the computers take over? Are we even going to know? We're not even going to know. They're just going to take over so quick. Dave. Started with the TI-81, I think. What are you doing, Dave?

It's real. Hal. Remember Hal? Would you like to play a game? Analyze it in seconds and tell you what the song is. Listen to it, analyze it, break it down to a piece of data, and then spit it back at you with options to purchase it All in seconds

And they can do it for practically every fucking song There is out there I've never had it fail on me once But it was also like a remix version So this is just, you hear a song, you like it You want to know what it is You pull Shazam up, it tells you what it is Downloads it and buys it for you

You can just start playing it in your car. Seconds later, if your car is Bluetooth, bam, it's playing in your car. That's amazing. I want bum-bum song. Because it's like when I was doing my rap group back then. I was a teenager. Back then, it was all about sampling loops, right? So you'd hear loops of music, breaks of music.

So we'd go into the radio station all the time, always looking for cool beat breaks and stuff. So you'd hear that. You'd always hear stuff, and you wouldn't know what it was. And you'd do that. But let me ask you a question. Can I ask you a question? Okay, because I've noticed you have a lot of Buddhas around the house, right? Yeah.

Is that okay if I say that? Sure, sure. Because I had a Buddha, and I really like them a lot. I had one at my house. When I got my house, it was there already. I didn't get the Buddha. The Buddha was there already. It was a fountain.

It was on a pole. It was a big fountain. It was about the size of that poster there. A big concrete fountain. And I had a meeting one day with a television executive at my house. Okay. And we went up on the roof of my house.

And we had a meeting, just a discussion, having a beer, talking about some ideas, television ideas. And we hear this enormous crash. We go down. And the Buddha has just, for whatever reason, the pole is on, this metal pole. It's smashed. It has fallen. It is smashed into a million pieces and gone into my swimming pool. Oh, that sucks.

And I'm looking at it, and I'm just thinking, okay, apart from I really missed the thing, is that a sign of something? No. Okay, good. No, it's not. It was like swimming. If it was a Donald Duck statue, it still would have fallen. So it's just, there's no magical property

to having a Buddha in your house. It's just a nice thing to look at. I am fascinated by ancient Asian artwork. I'm fascinated by Buddhas and Thai Buddhas and the fact that they've looked that way for hundreds and thousands of years and all these different people depict

these things in different artistic ways and that the Buddha is a character of peace. The idea of these Thai Buddhas, to me, means... To me, it's a beautiful artistic representation of enlightenment. It's calming, too, to look at, right? Yeah, I like them. I love their artwork. I love Shiva's. I love Hindu artwork.

I love a lot of Thai artwork. Some of the most fascinating stuff. It's one of the coolest things about living in L.A. is that you have access to all these importers. They import a lot of this beautiful hand-carved stuff from Thailand. Would you guys ever have a mummy? Like a real mummy? Mummy in my house?

Like a dead guy? No, I'm not dealing with that. Like wrapped up like would you no it's morbid man it's like why you know i mean i guess if you wanted to like have it in glass like in a room somewhere and shit but it would stink too probably it's a weird yeah it's a weird message you're sending i just don't like this uh smell of uh embalming fluid what if it was airtight it's something that's always bothered me have It was like a bombing fluid. Have you ever heard of self-mummification? No.

Self-mummification was a practice, and it's been done several times by these monks. And one of the things they do is they eat nothing but very, very lean foods. They eat seeds and nuts, and they go through rigorous exercise routines for three years, where they virtually strip their body of all its fat and then they start drinking this crazy tonic that's like semi-poisonous and it doesn't kill them but it fucks them up nice and

slowly and it keeps maggots from growing on them. Get this. Then they climb into a sarcophagus after they've done this for a while so their body's ready to go. They climb into this sarcophagus and they close the lid on them and there's just an air hole and a bell it's like the guy stays in the lotus position it's like that new movie with uh he stays in the lotus position with the air hole and the bell and every day if he's alive he rings the bell and the day that he doesn't ring the bell

they seal the coffin up and then he's in there for good and he's mummified what self-mummification why do they do that now? Because they're fucking nuts. Yeah. Where are these guys? Are they still doing this today? Yeah. Is this legal?

Is this self-mummification porn? Whose laws? Whose laws? Yeah. Where are they doing it? I believe it's in Tibet. Oh, my gosh. This is outrageous.

You should actually stop this. Is there a video? I don't know. Start a campaign to stop this crap. Brian, why don't you Google self-mummification? I'm going to start. Because I know that it's something that has been done. They have these mummies, man, and they've taken the lids off their sarcophaguses.

And they're in the lotus position, man, with their fucking robes on and their mummies. It is the creepiest thing ever. That's dedication to whatever it is that you're doing it for. Fuck, they're taking it to the next level, man. Total dedication. They're taking it to... They're poisoning the maggots. Okay? How about that? They're taking some shit that kills the maggots. Now,

by the way, I'm reading this on the internet. Who knows how much of this is true? It says it's a form of suicide. Yeah, a slow suicide. It takes years, man. There is a lot of stuff on the internet That we read that is not true And that is true

You were talking about the UFOs last night at your show Which was hilarious by the way It was great running into you over there We ran into each other at a club Jay Davis is doing this little club What's it called? The Parlor? The Parlor, yeah On Melrose

So fun, nice little place But the AC was out It was whack It was whack. It was a really cool crowd because even though it was like a fucking 100 degrees in there, like literally, it was at least 100 degrees in that room.

I fucking drank like crazy because I was so high. I had like eight beers. The crowd was very polite. I felt like I was imposing. Talking to them, I felt like I felt bad. I felt like I was doing something

by making them sit there and watch me. No, no, no. It was hilarious. It was awesome. It was a great surprise. I didn't know you were coming out. We It was awesome. It was a great surprise. I didn't know you were coming out. We haven't seen each other in a couple years.

I have a bunch of questions I want to ask you because I've started trying to do stand-up comedy this year. I've been doing it this year. You have been doing it. I have been doing it. I laughed at some of your stuff online. I've been doing it. I've been going all over the world. I laughed at some clips.

I'm not trying to do it. I'm doing it, goddammit. You are doing it. I'm sorry. Yeah. No, I said that. I'm sorry for you. No, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's a whole new world, isn't it? Yeah. It's a very – but I want to ask you some questions about that. Okay. But, yeah, so I'll ask you right now, I guess. Go for it. Or we can talk a bit more about the show last night. Well, the show last night was a lot of fun.

It was fun, yeah. Bill Burr went up and did a bunch of new shit. Oh, and Bill Burr's Comedy Central special airs again this October 1st, I believe it is. Fucking hilarious, dude. Very fun. If you haven't seen it, check it out, and it'll be good for him too. He really wants to get ratings on this thing, because he wants to do more of them. And if you're a fan of stand-up comedy, Bill Burr's one of the best.

He's one of the best guys out there today. There's very few guys that consistently nail it the way he does. He's really good. He's a really, really good I went down there to see Bill last night, because I met him at the Montreal Comedy Festival. This is what's been fun about doing stand-up is I'm getting to go to a comedy festival and hang out with a bunch of funny people. Everyone's having a good time. I saw Doug Stanhope up at the Montreal Comedy Festival.

He had this awesome party in a car wash. It was good times. He calls it Just for Spite. He does it opposing the actual He needs a camera man. That's right. He's not part of the festival. This was this whole controversial thing that was going on up there, but it was actually quite funny because he had

this amazing party in this car wash right across the street. Was it really great? What was it like? The bar closed, right? And then it's like, okay, well, the bar at the hotel closed, and then everyone said, well, you know, Doug Stanhope's having a party in a car wash across the street.

What? And you walk out across the street, and now it's, you know, three in the morning now, right? So those bars are closed. We walk across, literally right across the street from the hotel, the main hotel for the festival. There's this, like like the smallest car wash. You know,

it's got the garage, hoses everywhere. And it was just, you know, buckets of beer and we were there until like seven in the morning or something like that.

So it was good times. Lots of people, a couple hundred people in there in this car wash drinking beer. That's awesome. So you just put together a party. Yeah,

it was really good. Awesome move. But what happens if people drive drunk and stuff? I don't think any of them drive. I think they're all taxis and stuff. Really? Yeah.

That's a nice move. You know, the thing that's cool about it is like, you know, so we go over there. I'm at the Montreal Comedy Festival. And I met Bill Burr. And he came and saw my show. And then last night I thought, you know, I'm going to go see Bill's show. Go see Bill's show. You pop out on stage unexpectedly.

Next thing you know, I'm up here at your house. We're drinking cups of coffee, delicious coffee, and doing some Web-O-Vision here. It's pretty cool. It is cool. We've talked on Twitter a couple of times. I've said, hey, Joe, check this out. I'm on the road. I sent you a couple of my trailers

from my stand-up that we've edited. Very funny stuff, man. You can see them on TomGreen.com. Go on TomGreen.com. Have a look at some of the trailers of the touring around doing this. And for the folks on iTunes, it's TomGreenLive. If you want to find them on Twitter, go at TomGreenLive because they can't see this. Absolutely.

At TomGreenLive is my Twitter. You're still releasing that movie? Yeah. Pranksters? Yeah, Prankstar, yeah. We're working on that one still. Cool. I can't wait for that, man.

What is Pranksters about? What is that? I've been waiting. Well, it's kind of a top secret. It's not finished. Okay. Not finished. I'm sorry.

Well, it's not top secret, but I can't really tell you what it's about because I'm not sure I even know yet because we're still kind of in the process of finishing it. Cool, cool, cool. I want you to do more movies, man. I really enjoyed Freddy Got Fingered. It was hilarious.

You went out there with that, man. You took a crazy chance. It shocked a lot of people. They didn't know what to do with it because it was so out there. It was one of the ultimate stoner movies. If you're a stoner, go get Freddy. A lot of people haven't really

heard enough good reviews of it. It's really fucking funny. I quoted that all day. That scene with the baby, the giving birth, I don't want to say anymore. I don't want to ruin it. Sort of very similar in a way to your comedy, but no, well, let me tell you

the thing, thank you for saying that, because the thing is, you get thrust into this situation where all of a sudden I had an opportunity to make a movie, you know, to write, I wrote it. It obviously was trying to make the stupidest movie we could think of, right? Let's make it the stupidest thing ever. And then, you know, the studio at the time had all this opportunity to make this.

They said, okay, they had all these directors. I said, I want to direct it too. So then they let me direct it. So now I'm swinging bloody babies around and jacking off elephants and stuff and getting inside deer carcasses and doing all this stuff. And then you're working on this thing for like a year. You're working on this thing for a year nonstop. You're casting it.

You're picking all the props. You're making sure, oh, the all the props, you're making sure, oh, the guts that come out of that deer carcass look like rubber to me. And then the prop guy is like, well, we're going to put some blood on it. And I go, well, let's see what that looks like. And they do it and you look at it and you're like, no, it still looks like some rubber. We've got to get some real guts. And they're like, well, we don't know how we're going to make real guts come out of the carcass when you cut it.

And then they go off and these are like people that are professionals, you know, and they go off and they come back the next day and they go, okay, we've rigged up this compressed air that we're going to put in the back of the taxidermy deer. You're going to run your knife down the slit. It's going to shoot out real pig guts that we've got at the butcher shop. And I'm draped in pig guts and I'm doing all this stuff. You're doing all this stuff, right, and you're thinking, okay, this is crazy. This is going to look crazy.

Then the movie comes out. Everybody like, you know, basically, you know, reams you like, you know, you've never been reamed before in your life at this point. You know, I mean, local papers and people. And you feel completely kind of confused about it, right? Because you're thinking, shit, I thought it was pretty fucking funny. I don't know what's wrong with me, right? So then, but the fun thing about it is after that initial weekend

and the whole sort of everybody talking about your movie being crazy and disgusting and all this stuff, I've been on tour this year doing stand-up, and it's been so much fun because there's a lot of nut jobs out there in the world that love the movie, and it's part of my show now when I do my stand-up. I do a little guitar at my show in the middle. And I sing a couple, like, Daddy, would you like some sausage?

I sing that. Everybody sings it with me. And then people start shouting out some of their favorite bits. But I'm surprised. I went all across Australia, Canada. Next month I'm going to be in Toronto, Belleville, Hamilton, and London, Ontario. And people come to the shows and are shouting out all these things from Freddy. That's awesome, man.

It feels a lot. I guess what I'm saying is thanks for bringing it up. This is what I think. It feels so great to be out and actually getting all this positive feedback about the movie. Because I was made to feel like I had murdered somebody or something like that. This is what I think, man. I think you were a victim of a pre-internet review system.

It was a bunch of fogey old douchebags and the way people looked at things was... What year was Freddy Got Fingered? It was 2001. Who the fuck was on the internet back then? It wasn't the same as 2010. 2010, you get your reviews from ain'titcool.news.com

that kind of shit. I always go to Fandango or something. I get your reviews from ain'titcool.news.com, like that kind of shit. I always go to Fandango or something. I get my reviews online. I want to use this moment as a real opportunity for me to actually talk about this for a second. I directed this movie. I wrote this whole thing. Everybody freaks out on it. It's pre-internet, right?

The other day, I went and I looked at Netflix, okay, at the reviews of the movies, right? So I did this just two days ago, and I looked at Netflix, at the reviews of the movies. So I did this just two days ago, and I looked at the reviews and Freddy got fingered. The point of making that movie was to kind of be polarizing. It was supposed to be ridiculous. It was done in a way where I think that 50% of the people who watch it are definitely going to hate it more than anything they've ever seen in their entire life. And that was the goal. And the joke is goal in the joke, because obviously the other 50% of the people are laughing

at the 50% of the people that hate it, and that's the joke, right? So I went on Netflix, and you're reading the reviews, and it's pretty much 50-50. People are giving it either a good review or the worst review you've ever read in your life, back and forth, back and forth. And these people are just arguing with each other about it. And I'm looking at it.

Here we are 10 years later after I made this thing and looking at these people having these passionate arguments completely on opposite ends of the spectrum that's pretty funny go read the reviews on Netflix I really truly believe that if that movie came out today it would be an internet phenomenon

people would be so into it I think it was a fucking fun crazy movie make it 3D well I'm hoping to make another movie this year. Since you asked about the movies, I'm hoping to make another movie this year, which is going to be called Insane Prank Movie. Yeah.

And it's going to be just a bunch of crazy pranks, street stuff, but it's going to be sort of a... Well, don't get beat up, man. I've been hearing you telling me you're getting in fights. What's going on? Oh, yes, that's right. I've been in two fights. You're up, man. I've been hearing you telling me you're getting in fights. What's going on? Oh, yes. That's right. I've been in two fights. You're a grown man.

I carry around a bow and arrow. I was defending myself both times. What happened? I was attacked both times. By who? By strangers both times. For what reason? Well, the first time I was attacked. Where was it? Where does

this take place? It was about two years ago in New York City. And did the guy know you were Tom Green, the famous actor and comedian? He was somebody who was, I don't know. I don't know. He was somebody who was an acquaintance of somebody who I knew. And Now I'm starting to get worried about getting into the details because what really happened was quite intense. Quite intense. Why are you worried about getting into the details? Well, because, you know, I don't know. I'm just thinking now all of a sudden I've never really talked about this on the radio.

Wouldn't that be kind of weird? What's weird when you get in a fight with somebody. Did you beat somebody up, Tom Green? No, I was punched in the head and I retaliated. Right. And then did you whoop that ass? Did you get all up in there? Beat that ass?

Essentially, yes. Essentially, yes. Yes. I was not hurt. You probably shouldn't give out the details because you might get sued. You're Tom Green. Tom Green's out there whooping that ass. Somebody punched me in the head and so I had to kind of got a thing.

Fairly solid jaw. Take a good shot. Right there. Right there. I had a kind of got a thing. Fairly solid jaw. Take a good shot. Right there. Right there. I had a bump the next day. Did you gray out or did you stand your ground? I was actually sitting down. He punched you when you were sitting down?

Uh-huh. Wow. What did you do? Were you getting blown by his girlfriend while you were sitting there? I was sitting beside his girlfriend. You were? Yeah. Or some girl that he knew.

But I wasn't really, you know, I was also with a girl who was my friend who was sitting beside me on this side, and we were all friends. Or she was friends with them. But anyways, this is the point. Let's move past that. The point is... You got in a fight. I got in a fight. So then the second time around, okay?

You're a veteran by now. You're ready to throw it out. This is actually something I can ask you about for advice on this because this is about controlling your temper. This is about when somebody comes at you and you're a fighter so you know about this stuff. I don't know about this stuff. What happened? You go into this sort of post-traumatic stress disorder kind of, everything goes in slow motion. One of the best things about

learning martial arts is that you become confident in your ability to defend yourself not you might not always be able to defend yourself you might there might be guns and weapons and all but you're not going to feel completely helpless you're going to feel like you have at least confidence if you have a chance you can do something whereas a person who doesn't know how to fight at all and has no experience it's such a paralyzing feeling in the presence of violence. I mean, you just want to cover up in a ball. You just want to try to protect yourself. You don't know what to do.

So this first occasion happened. It's a bad feeling. This first occasion happened cut to three months, maybe six months later. I'm walking down Sunset outside Mel's Diner. Just got the stitches taken out. Yeah. Outside Mel's Diner. Just got the stitches taken out.

Yeah. And somehow, for some reason, somebody comes up behind me. I think I'd actually had a few drinks that night. Me and my friends were being somewhat obnoxious, talking loudly, being generally idiots on the street. Yeah. What? And some guy saw me being kind of an idiot and came walking up to me and my friend. That was Brian, by the way. And he said, hey, man, I want to kick your ass right now.

Just like that. No reason. He said, I'm going to kick your ass right now. And this guy was actually smaller than me, which I thought was strange. And he's coming out of nowhere. And we're in the dark. And there's no one around. Right by Paquito Moss outside Mel's Diner on Sunset.

I look at him. My friend looks at him. My friend says, are you serious, dude? And he goes, yeah. And then my friend, for whatever reason, goes, okay, and goes like that. So then this guy's running at me. But because of the previous situation, I'm now in like the slow motion mode. Like he's coming at me and I'm going,

well, this is not going to, I just, so I went at him and I just put my hands on his neck, right? And I put my hand behind him and I kind of lowered him down onto the ground and I put my fist up in his face like this. And I said, I don't want to hurt you, man. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you. Right? And he said, and his leg was kind of flapping up on the side of my body like this. And I had him pinned on his back on the sidewalk and he said, okay, man. Okay. And he said, and his leg was kind of flapping up on the side of my body like this. And I had him pinned on his back on the sidewalk. And he said, okay, man, okay. And I got up and he walked away. Powerful rape choke to the mount position for those of you who don't know what Tom Green was doing. He was grabbing the hand and the bitch, where's my money grip. And then he had a fist up.

Yeah. And he just, it just kind of ended. It diffused the situation. Nobody got hurt. And, you know, that's, I think, that's something that people need to know is that, you know, there is this flash of a moment when somebody attacks you where you kind of go into this animal mode, right? You're not in complete control, right? And then after, you know, you gotta kind of be able

to control that a little bit. So now are you like paranoid that everyone's going to attack you? No, I'm actually less paranoid now because I now know I got that sort of, it's sort of like a throat on the ground. You're always thinking about it, right? Well, the other thing

is that only worked because he was coming at me fast and he was sort of smaller than me. I don't think that would have worked if he was bigger than me. I don't think that would have worked if he knew anything. If he knew anything, that wouldn't have worked. Did you fight a lot growing up? He was probably really, really drunk. To me, it was exciting, though, because I haven't been in any sort of physical altercation since I was a kid.

You don't want that kind of excitement. If you want that kind of excitement, go to a jiu-jitsu class. You get to spar. You get to go full blast with each other and trying to kill each other with your bare hands it's awesome you get all that shit out and you don't have to get in fights on where it was scary they're on your belt yeah look conflict is i was attacked there's a certain amount of yeah there's a certain amount of excitement primal excitement that comes from conflict but it's very dangerous man oh my gosh especially when you're adding alcohol you guys are walking on the street Making a fuckload of noise

I've become so paranoid about it since then That I've actually kind of essentially Really laid off the sauce a bit Because I realized that Although I didn't really kind of I got attacked, right? But it was due to my own sort of loud, obnoxious behavior

And that's what I'm saying You learn from that, right? Yeah, you do. You do. I think it's called maturing. Public drunkenness is one of the douchiest things you can do if you're really loud out in public. That's a douchey thing. When you're in your 20s, being drunk out at the bar and being crazy, that's acceptable.

It's part of life. But I just turned 39 years old. And I'm thinking to myself, that's not cute anymore, really. Totally. It's not cute anymore. It's not cute when it annoys other people. That's what it is. And I never used to myself that's not cute anymore really totally it's not cute anymore it's not cute when it annoys other people that's what it is you know

and I never used to think about that when I was younger I just think about we're having fun fuck it woo you know we're having fun

who gives a shit and then as you get older you start going wait a minute but if we're having fun at other people's expense this shouldn't be fun this should be annoying

to me too I should be embarrassed you know so you learn not to be a douche bag yeah exactly and you learn that you've got embarrassed. So you learn not to be a douchebag. Yeah, exactly. And you learn that you've got this move that you're ready to go to.

I think you might want to, I'm going to show you, we'll go into my cage in the garage and I'll show you some counters to that move. Oh yeah. I would appreciate some self-defense. Not that I want to have to ever have to use it. You've got to be very careful. You don't want to extend your arm. You've got to make sure you do it correctly. I'd like to take some jiu-jitsu courses.

Crop Maga is fun, too. It's a combination of things. They give you a lot of stuff like this is what you do on the street when a guy comes after you, but you can't prepare for everything on the street. You don't really know if a guy's going to have a gun or a knife. You're not going to really know. You're better off just getting really good

at any sort of a martial art. You're really going to get good at knife defense? That seems like a waste of time to me. Yeah, just considering no one's ever pulled a knife on you in your life. Stay away from douchebags. Keep your life clean. Let's hope we don't get stabbed. Yeah.

Don't be going out and practice every day because one day a guy's going to have a knife. There's this fat guy who has this website on all sorts of uh attacks like a knife against a knife how he will block this knife and then he will attack this means a fat fuck the guy's hilarious he's completely out of shape and he's like he's actually kind of a half decent writer but totally completely delusional yeah martial arts guy and so uh he's got these uh instructional videos where a guy will come at him with a knife and he will block this knife and cut to the guy's body and then go behind him and he cuts like major organs and I'm looking I'm like this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life you're preparing for a knife fight that would never happen why don't you probably because of the

preparing for it is increasing his odds of being killed in a knife fight yeah by like 10,000 yeah he's carrying knives on him everywhere you know he's asking for a knife fight by like 10,000%. He's carrying knives on him everywhere. He's asking for a knife fight. He's begging for a knife fight. He's just nuts. Who the fuck's wasting their life preparing for knife fights? This is funny. Sometimes I look down here at the stream and then I see you and I'm thinking that I'm looking at you live, but it's just a short delay.

Yeah, let's not look at it because I don't want to confuse you. It was funny. It was confusing me. Comedians, man, they'll go off in a drift. Yeah. It was like I was looking at you. You're laughing over there. And I'm like, wait a minute.

I'm not saying anything funny right now. Oh, wait. He's not laughing. That was a few seconds ago. We're very high tech. We're on a delay in case you start getting crazy and curse our government. Yeah, this is cool. And now, so we're broadcasting on iTunes?

It's on iTunes. It's on iTunes. It's on the Zoom marketplace. It's on all sorts of different things. Oh, this is cool. This is cool. Now, so yeah, so... Stitcher. Number one in Canada, comedy a few times on iTunes.

Okay. Yeah. See, this is something that I just... Powerful, Canada. I'm going to start trying to do a podcast myself for the first time starting next week. So it's going to be fun. You've always been in that kind of community access channel. You were always making videos.

You actually changed everything when you had your show on MTV, in my opinion. My whole age group, I'm 36, but you took my idea of making stupid little videos and going, wow, look what he's doing. He's actually doing it for realsies on MTV. You really changed that whole market. It's a pretty amazing career that you've had, man. That was an exciting time. Obviously, that was the most exciting time. Watch his blow, Brian.

Yeah. You know? Maybe we wait until the show's over. That's one of the most awkward things ever when you say something. Out in the driveway or something like that? Like when Doug's down, Hope is here. I was trying to say really good things about when you say something. Out in the driveway or something like that? Like when Doug's down, I was trying to say really good things about him, but I'm like, it's so weird saying that. He's right here

and it's going broadcasting in front of the world. What a great show, though. You come up to Joe's house, you get coffee, you get a blowjob. I think a lot of people, though, I think you've inspired a lot of people. You were one of my inspirations. You inspired me to do this, man. To do this online

When I came over to your house I'm like, wow Oh yeah I remember how excited you were about it And you talked to the There was a document Or I was at Entertainment Tonight Canada Or somebody was at the house

Something like that And you said you were very excited about it And I thought, well, this is cool This is actually Maybe this is not a waste of time Doing this show in my living room Joe seems to like it We knew that eventually It was going to get to the point

where the internet and the television combined. It hasn't totally happened yet. Convergence. But it's pretty close. Convergence. It's a small, a dribble. I can get like, I have a DVD player that lets you go to different sources and get movies, Netflix, and even YouTube.

It allows you to go to YouTube as well. Ustream. Ustream. I don't know about Ustream. I thought you said Ustream. No, I think I was wrong. I thought it was YouTube. But it's close.

The internet is bringing content to your television. It's just doing it through outside parties now. It's not quite as accessible as I would think it would be. Yeah, I worry that it's going to get all controlled so that you end up, everyone gets some box, they're watching the internet on their TV, but it's not the real internet. It's just the stuff that the shows that get bought by Time Warner Cable and they decide to put on the internet,

which then all of a sudden you don't have the internet. You have this sort of other way of distributing television that's on demand, but it a weird interface. It's not free. Net neutrality. We need to make sure that... And I don't know a whole lot about it, but I was talking about this the other day with my friend, and he said net neutrality is a big issue right now.

They're talking about... Well, since you're in Hollywood, since we don't know a lot about it, let's argue about it. Yeah, absolutely. Since neither one of us know the points. So I just think that we've got to fucking stop this, man. That's how we rock it here in Hollywood,

just argue about shit we don't even know about. Well, you know, that's... I was on stage with some fucking guy, some guy in the audience who just decided he was going to heckle, and this is what he heckled. He goes, even Stephen Hawking said that the universe proves there must be a God. Like, he was arguing with me, angry at me.

And this is what he was saying. And then Stephen Hawking came out last week. But that's not what Stephen Hawking said. Stephen Hawking came out two weeks ago and said that there is no God. Exactly. So I'm like, dude, you didn't even read it. You didn't even read it and you're arguing it. You're yelling it out publicly.

Yeah. And Stephen Hawking. But that's LA. That's my point. That's Los Angeles. If you don't know anything about anything just argue it all right yeah not only did he argue it he yelled it out and i don't even know what i was talking about i forgot because it was so ridiculous what he said

but he yelled it out like from the side of the stage like it was like an important point for him did you have a conversation with him about it very little i talked to him a little bit from the stage i tried to be nice and just segue it into the rest of the show. But he just like wanted to. It was a weird thing. It was like he was a guy that just wanted to argue like it was a game, like he wanted to play catch with me. Have you noticed a lot more heckling, Joe, lately? No, no, not lately. It's comes and goes. There's cool crowds and not so cool crowds.

And it's always the crowds are always cool. There's just always a few douchebags, a tiny few amount of douchebags. But that's all you need. You know, if you have 300 people in a comedy club, all you need is three douchebags, a tiny few amount of douchebags. But that's all you need. If you have 300 people in a comedy club, all you need is three douchebags, and you've got an issue. You have to deal with one douchebag, and you've got an issue.

Do you like that? No, I would way rather have just a fun show. Yeah. Like in Indianapolis. Stressful when they start yelling. I did two shows in Indianapolis last Friday. Never been to Indianapolis for comedy before. It was fucking great, man.

The crowds were super cool, dude. Everybody's super friendly and fun. It's a nice, easy-going place. And it's a decent-sized city. It's a million four, a million four hundred thousand people. So it's not a small town. And just really fucking cool, friendly people. I like that, man.

I don't want to deal with some fucking douchebags who need attention that's annoying man it's like yeah i want to tell you man i want to pull them aside and you know take them away from everybody and go dude just get your shit together man you see what you're doing you're all out of control you just you're so needy for attention that you're willing to disrupt everything around you i've started to notice them before they even say anything you often sit right at the front. Of course. They like to sit right there where everyone can see them. And you can tell that these sort of alpha personality types

who just want everybody to look at them. I mean, come on. What's their problem? That's the weirdest thing when people talk back to you. It's like, why don't you just go do comedy? Go do your own show. No, they don't want to do that. They want to criticize. It's like critics. These't you just go do comedy and go do your own show? No, they don't want to do that. They want to criticize.

It's like critics. These critics that hated your fucking movie. Go make a better movie. Well, they're not going to make a better movie. They have nothing to contribute. They're contributing. They're doing their best to be verbose in their bitchiness. And that's what their contribution is.

Be cunty about things. Always look for the negative. Love everything foreign. I mean, that's really what it is. It's also even when they yell out fun stuff, it's sort of annoying too, right? Yeah. Well, the worst I was saying was when they talk to you. I think some people think they're trying to help you or something.

The worst is when they talk to you. Yeah. You ever have people in the front row and they just talk at you? Like, why would you do that? Yeah. Usually wasted. Yeah. Yeah.

The fuck? I'm going to get to it. I'm going to get to the whole subject. Yeah. Yeah. You know, don't move me in a different direction Come on man Where were you going?

Why are you talking to me man? This isn't a conversation Yeah It's a fucking comedy show Yeah I always give people the opportunity To yell shit out though I do a Q&A

At almost End of almost every one of my shows Just cause it's fun Uh huh It's kind of Sometimes it's anticlimactic It's dangerous Because sometimes it drags on

And I do the Q&A For like a fucking hour or something And I don't know how to end Because it's so open-ended But I think people like fucking around And being able to talk to me So I let them know Like, well, there'll be a time where we can yell shit out

But it's not Let me get my material out Do all this And then we'll fuck around Yeah, that's a good idea It's fun Yeah, because it's The best is when there's lines and microphones

That's how I did it when I recorded my DVD That's the best way to do it Have a line And people come up to the line And they get to the microphone Oh, yeah? Yeah, because when they just yell shit out The best is when there's lines and microphones. That's how I did it when I recorded my DVD. That's the best way to do it. Have a line and people come up to the line and they get to the microphone. Oh, yeah? Yeah, because when they just yell shit out, it just gets too crazy. Right.

Right, Brian? I was just going to say, you guys see guys' name. Like, you know, like, talk about GSP. Yeah, talk about Anderson Silva. Yeah. We think about Chael Sutton's chances in the rematch.

What should he have done different? Now, because you have stuff out and have had it on TV, you do people yell, you had to do bits that you've done before. Sometimes, I can't remember a lot of them, though. The problem is when I stop doing a bit, man, I don't remember how to do it. Like somebody yelled out, do the talking dog bit the other day, the drug commercial bit, and I was like, fuck, how does that go? I haven't done it in a long time, so i had to try to perform it from memory you know i just i i always try to come up with new

shit when you have new shit you gotta abandon the old shit you can't keep remembering it every now and then one will pop up from like the old days like i'll remember one like wow i remember how this one goes but in order to keep writing new material you know i've had right now i had the first one was i'm Gonna Be Dead Someday and then there was the Showtime special that I did. No, then there was Belly of the Beast

and the Showtime special in 2005 and then Shiny Happy Jihad and then Talking Monkeys in Space. That's a lot of different material. I can't remember all that shit. Yeah. You ever just pop in the DVD and watch your show?

No. That might be a good way to get it back in your head. It's uncomfortable for me to watch the stuff that I don't like it. That might be a good way to get it back in your head. It's uncomfortable for me to watch the stuff that I've just done recently. It's really uncomfortable for me to watch something

from a few years ago. Do it while you're fucking a flashlight. It might help. Whoa, what are you saying? How dare you? Yeah, well, it's like when you were playing

that song earlier, I was sort of sitting here kind of curling up inside my shoes because it's like you're just looking at something from 20 years ago and you're going,

oh, jeez, I wouldn't really do it exactly that way. Yeah, I know what you mean. The way I'm rapping, trying to sound like Chuck D. It's like you're just looking at something from 20 years ago and you're going oh jeez I wouldn't really do it exactly that way yeah the way I'm rapping trying to sound like Chuck D you know it's like that's kind of

cheesy but it's capturing somebody said this to me once that you know you just have to think of all these performances as capturing a moment in time you know

but I don't you know that's all well and good and I appreciate that but I don't want to it's still me I don't really want to watch me from 15 years ago do comedy it's not fun I I don't like me from five years ago doing it

you know it's hard watching yourself man when you're very critical and honest you know it's hard yeah it's hard like in trying to figure out how much of this should I be trying to enjoy this should I be trying to enjoy it like a spectator or should I be like hyper critical of everything I'm doing because that's what I always wind up doing. So I prefer not watching myself. But you have to go over material I think to like you listen to bits and sometimes your brain will take you down different paths.

Like you go, oh, why didn't I say this? Or why didn't I talk about that? Or you remember like certain taglines that you may have ad-libbed at the moment, which may be gone if you don't remember them. There's a lot of my best taglines. I forget them. I just stop doing it for some reason, and then I forget it. And then someone will say to you, like, why don't you say that anymore? I'm like, oh, fuck, I forgot.

Do you have it all written down somewhere? Most of it, yeah. Most of the material is written down. It's all written. The way I start off almost all of my bits is I start them off with blog entries, whether or not it gets posted on the internet. Almost all of it is just me dissecting a subject. This is the method that I've come to over the last few years. To me, it's the best method because it allows me to really examine all the different ways I think

about a subject without worrying about people's attention spans. So I just write, and it could be page after page after page of just ramblings on what I think about anything. And then I dissect what's funny about it. Like, this is funny, this is funny, think about anything. And then I dissect what's funny about it. Like, this is funny, this is funny, this is funny. And then I say, well, how much of this would go into a bit? Could this be a bit? Okay, this could be a bit right here. This is how I'd have to say it.

And then I look at it like that, like I'm stealing from myself. Like I'm stealing little jokes. And you get feedback, too, on the internet, right? People read it on your blog? If I post it. But there's a lot of stuff that I write that I don't post. There's a lot of stuff that I write. I write it as if it was going to be a blog entry,

and then it just winds up going in a file. Because I don't like. There's a lot of stuff that I write. I write it as if it was going to be a blog entry and then it just winds up going in a file. Yeah. You know, because I don't like where I was going with it or I wasn't finished with it, but I do like this part and that part will become a bit. Do you like, do you think of your ideas when you sit down to write or is it when you're out and about with friends hanging out and then you. It's both.

It's everything. I think, you know, you get different kinds of creativity just from driving in your car with the music off. You know, if you have your stereo off and you just drive in your car and don't talk to anybody just doing that doing like every average everyday things a percentage of your brain you know you're going to focus on what you're doing and focus on activity but you're going to get bored your brain is going to get bored just driving so your brain is going to start thinking about things so a percentage of your brain will start coming up with ideas and you'll start pondering things

and questioning relationships and you start breaking down your life while you're driving with no stereo on you know when you get the music on you listen to that and then you're you're off in no thinking land yeah you know that's the one of the most dangerous things about the media is the fact that it's so pervasive and it's so easy to get to and it's so easy to just sit there and watch and just get sucked into it and never think at all i know i've been I've been addicted to the 24-hour news cycle in this last few years, and it just drives me nuts. How much news a day do you watch? Well, it's just on in the background,

so it's like I'm at the computer, but it's on in the background. Do you sleep to news? No, no. Do you sleep to the TV at all? No, I don't. Fuck all that, dude. That's a sickness.

You're not getting real sleep. That sounds a little bit much. Oh, no, I always do the 40-minute snooze. Everybody I know that does that. You have a snooze button on your TV? Yeah, that's cool. Or a timer. Really?

Yeah, that's cool. You do a 40-minute snooze? 40-minute timer. What do you watch? Late-night television? Cartoons. Put it on some cartoon network. So you're not sleeping while the TV's on.

The TV shuts itself off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's sort of different. I mean, I have watched TV before I go to bed. But I thought you were just sleeping with the television on. You don't give a fuck. Old Tom and Jerry's are relaxing, man. Just getting like no REM sleep.

He's like barely dreaming. Listening to books on tape. Yeah, you have to constantly trick your mind that you're four years old. I woke up this morning and I... The weirdest flight once, because I bought this CD on the laws of attraction. The weirdest flight once, because I bought this CD on the laws of attraction. It was this crazy woman who claims to be channeling some, you know. Is it The Secret or what?

No, no, no. It was another one. It was The Laws of Attraction. I forget her name. But anyway, she talks in this strange way, like when she's channeling this super deity. Oh, yeah. She's a blonde lady, right? You know what? It's on iTunes.

It's sort of a princess somebody or something. I've seen that somewhere. Because, yeah, someone showed me that once. I like that. Yeah, Seth speaks of what's about... I read The Secret. Abraham. That's what it is.

I found it to something that I enjoyed. It says this woman channels this super deity called Abraham. I fell asleep once. I listen to everything. I have a very open mind. And even if I think it sounds crazy, you're channeling something, okay, maybe you are crazy, but maybe in your crazy, in your actual true belief, you may have it,

that you're communicating with this deity. Maybe you can bypass some of the pitfalls and roadblocks and human consciousness, And maybe you can see things that other people can't truly see. So maybe you are crazy. Maybe you are full of shit, but maybe you still have some good points. I'm willing to let that be a possibility. So I listened to nutty people do all kinds of different conversations and all kinds of different lectures. And so I was listening to this and I fell asleep listening to it. So I was on the plane for like a five hour flight. And it's like hours and hours of,

of lectures of this woman talking through this man channeling telling you love life is love all this nutty fucking new age

type shit she's channeling from this deity in this strange voice she's inflecting it's very I landed I was thinking

like I'm in a fucking Harry Potter movie or something it might have fucking programmed something in your brain that's gonna to come around. You're going to be

in an isolation tank and the next thing you know you're going to be... Like what was that movie with Denzel Washington? Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind or something.

You've reprogrammed yourself. Yeah, totally. What was that movie? Something Man? Denzel Washington movie? Running Man? No, no. Fuck.

God damn it. Man on a... Shit. Fuck. Cunt. He's the security guard, right? Or he's the security for the girl, and she gets kidnapped, and... He's been programmed.

He was programmed when he was... What is that fucking movie? Terminator. No, that was a different one. You're not even trying to help anymore, man. How dare you? Whatever. Or the duck.

I'm not going to get it, man. It was a movie where they brainwashed him when he was younger, and then they activated him. Oh, oh yeah. Yes. AI. No. No. Fuck it, man. It was a movie where they brainwashed him when he was younger, and then they activated him. Oh, yeah. AI. No. No. Fuck you, man. Asshole.

I'm thinking of the other one where they try to get the guy to... AI's a little kid, you dickhead. You fucking dickhead. Yeah. That's not Denzel Washington, either. That's Macaulay Culkin. Same guy. I hate not being able to remember shit.

Yeah. It's so annoying. Yeah. Is there a memory supplement? Has anybody ever taken a memory supplement? What's good? Is that real? Because I heard it was bullshit.

I heard ginkgo was bullshit. Just do Retsu Veritrol. If you haven't started yet. I do. I take that stuff. Cool. What milligrams? I don't remember.

Got to get like 500. We'll talk about this off air. Do you find you forget things as you get older? No. You forget things because you have too much information. I mean, I don't feel like a... I can't remember anything that I don't recall at this point, but, you know. What I do, yeah, I do notice that there is some sort of a scientific theory

about the amount of people that we can store in our brain, and I absolutely believe that. They say it's 150. They say that people have room for 150 faces and names they recognize. I have recognized someone that I didn't know was still in my database. Well, you have to re-assimilate the memories. And you go, okay, okay.

Happened last night. That's a weird thing, man. It's like your brain is going, oh, we're going to dust this off? Hold on, we have it. It's way back here. It's way back here. And then the dude's giving me information.

Do you remember, man? We used to play pool together in White Plains. I'm like, oh, shit. And then I'm going way back here. It's way back here. And then the dude's giving me information. Do you remember, man? We used to play pool together in White Plains. I'm like, oh, shit. And then I'm going way back here. Okay, I got the file. I got the file. Oh! Yeah, yeah.

Like, so, because, you know, this year, traveling, I've been traveling around this year meeting, you know, thousands, hundreds of people every weekend in different cities, right? So you're meeting all these different people. Do you find then you start, you know, having that happen more when you come back to LA? Yes, I mean, especially if you meet someone who's interesting and you wind up talking to this dude and you talk to him on the internet. Well, that's an internet, you've got an internet memory now.

This guy is a part of your internet group. On my message board, people sign up for my message board and sometimes there's some cool people who have some interesting things. And okay, now that guy's a name in my things of, you know, names of people that I can store in my mind. I mean, it's like 150. That's what they say. Yeah.

I really do find that it really is, it does seem like a data issue. It seems like a data processing issue. It's like, we're not supposed to have access to this many fucking people. Like, our hardware is not set up for this. It's like, we're trying to run Quake 4 on a 1982 fucking PC. You know, that's what it is. We're trying to run Quake 4 on a 1982 fucking PC. That's what it is.

We're going to have to get little 32 gigabyte chips that we can plug in behind our ear or something like that. Just for names and phone numbers. If they can figure out how to update the database of your mind. Just download stuff into your little... Well, that'll be out there soon.

It's got to be. If you can think it, they're going to get there. As long as they keep tampering, and they always will, that's what people do. We keep trying to figure out what's the coolest, best shit, and they're going to learn. As long as we don't blow ourselves off to face the earth, we got some nutty shit coming. Some nutty shit. Yeah. They're developing skin that can feel that's artificial.

Really? Yes. Artificial skin that you can feel with. They have artificial limbs. What do you mean? They're going to be able to attach that. Like you attach it to your finger and you can make your finger like 40 feet long and you can touch stuff across it? Eventually, ultimately, they want you to be able to be sensitive.

Like you can pick up a piece of paper with it or you can hold a thick mug. Oh, really? You're going to be able to touch and feel things. What do you mean? You grab it and then you can feel. You're going to get electrical impulses from this artificial hand. It's going to go into your nerve endings and they're going to figure out how to make

it so your brain thinks this is a hand. They've figured out the conversion of this to... I don't know how far along it is or how close it is, but I know that this is an ultimate goal. They're trying to figure out a way to make... What would be some uses for that technology? How about fake humans?

They're going to make fake people, dude. Better fleshlights. The real thing is artificial life. That's the real thing. And that's really, really possible. It's really possible. We don't know what life really is. You know, technology might be life.

It might be life in some sort of an embryonic form, and it has to break out of this like a caterpillar that becomes a butterfly. We're seeing with technology that people have created today in 2010, we might be seeing just this eggshell that's about to break, and this new thing is going to hatch out of it. Yeah. I could use a robot around the house that had sensitive skin. Smooth mouth. Pretty lips.

That would be so strange if you just had this really super hot robot that you could fuck whenever you wanted, and you didn't have to feed her. You could shut her off. You could do whatever you wanted. But when you turned around, it's just like, oh, are we fucking? What's up? Yeah. Clearly this is what's possible.

Clearly these scientists are putting their who's gonna be willing to tolerate their wife's bullshit when you can fuck this super hot robot porn star there'd probably be

something annoying and gross like you have to change her filter you know vacuum the load out of her snatch that wouldn't be

a good job what if she's absolutely artificial even her you know her hormones her everything what if you know it literally's absolutely artificial even her you know her hormones or everything what if you know it literally is like an artificial person you know but it doesn't age yeah she

cleans her own filter yeah yeah cleans her own pussy she doesn't fuck you yeah she cleans her own filter so hey why don't you just clean your own filter already there's a problem can you clean my filter and why don't you clean your own filter embarrassed though all the time yeah exactly see there's already problems. If you could actually have these totally controllable artificial people where you could program in their personality and make them super accepting and docile and always

kind and always sweet and affectionate to you, would people even get in relationships anymore? Would dudes? God, dudes are just... You're an ugly fat guy You can just buy This super Insanely hot chick

That's fake Yep And you can go to movies With her and shit She'll go to the movies With you Oh no, that's the end We wouldn't even know

We wouldn't even know If it was a real person That's the end of relationships And they'd be like Some old, fat, fucked up dude With no teeth Shit all over his clothes She doesn't care

She's a robot She's hot as fuck She looks like Tracy Lord's In her prime And they're holding hands at the movie theater. People are getting pissed. Get a fucking real woman. Get a real woman. The way you would know is because when it first happens

there would only be five models. There would be the blonde, there would be the brunette. So you'd see the same model over and over again. You're like smart cars going around or whatever. They'll do anything. They'll suck your dick in a taxi cab. They don't give a fuck. They're robots.

People are going to go off. It's going to be crazy. They would probably have like dead eyes. You know when you look in somebody's eyes, you can tell. Maybe. Maybe they have puppy dog eyes. Maybe they'll crush you. Maybe you fall in love with that robot and you're trying to figure out a way to breed with it.

Dead puppies. Maybe that's the apocalypse. We do figure out a way to breed with the robots. Can you tell me a little bit about this fleshlight since we're on the topic of having sex with robots? Put your finger. Really, it is. Let me touch it. No one has fucked this one.

This is your sponsor. Thank goodness. Show them the other part. This is your sponsor for your show? Yes, that's the sponsor. Where is this manufactured? I believe Austin, Texas. That's where the company is located.

Do you unscrew the top or something? Yeah, go ahead. Don't be scared. Get in there. Don's located. I hung out with them a couple weeks ago. Don't be scared. Get in there. Don't be scared. I don't really feel like touching it. You should feel it. No one has had sex with this. This is just a sample that they sent us.

Just touch it. Trust it. Okay. All right. Pretty good, right? I'm not going to put my finger in there. It's the butthole. You should lick it. I can imagine. I can imagine. I have a very strong imagination.

That's interesting. Better than the cow. Now, let me ask you this. I don't have to ask you whether or not you masturbate because, of course, you do. But would you be willing to buy a masturbation tool that would make masturbation better? Probably not, right? Because then you have to sort of admit... I was hoping I'd get a free one

because I was a guest on the show. I'll get you one. Yeah, I wouldn't... Would I be willing to buy one? I think I've got one left. Hold on. Yeah, I'm just kidding, actually. You want one.

Well, you know. Might be fun just for a conversation at parties or something like that. I know what I've got. I'll give it to you. I'm going to find it. It's in here somewhere. No, I mean, you don't...

What kind of porn does Tom Green like? Definitely would have to be in a sealed wrapper. Does it come in a sealed, hermetically sealed plastic? Absolutely. See, it's shirts.

I would not advise you to fuck that. Yeah, you don't want... Brian Callen touched that. Oh, yeah. See, this has been out. Duncan touched it. This has been unsealed.

Is that a signature on it? I think Ricky Schroeder even touched that one. Did Ricky Schroeder touch that? Yeah. Ricky Schroeder touched it. I think he lickedaled. Is that a signature on it? I think Ricky Schroeder even touched that one. Did Ricky Schroeder touch that? Yeah. Ricky Schroeder touched it. I think he licked it. And so does it do anything?

Does it vibrate or anything? You don't need that. No. It's just what it is. Just that. You know what it is, man? It puts you in lotion yet, though. It just makes...

It's way better feeling than your hand, and you're not getting any signal from it. It's patented rubber. It's like they have their own patent on how awesome this rubber is. Made in America? Made in the USA? Proud to be an American. Very interesting.

This is called Fish in a Bucket. Oh, okay. Look at that. That's what he calls it, Fish in a Bucket. Okay, you've taken that out there. This is what it's called. This is called Deer in a Tree. You're just making up names, son.

It's not what it's called. It's called that by you. Is that what it's called? You've got to fling it. Okay. It's a great nerf. A slapstick. Don't fl making up names, son. It's not what it's called. It's called that by you. You also fling it. It's a great nerf slapstick. Don't fling that around. It's a solid product.

For $60 or whatever it costs, it's totally worth it. It makes beating off way more fun. What kind of porn do you like? Are you an amateur guy? Take your pants off when you ask that question. You know, I don't even know anymore, man. It's gotten so crazy out there. You still use magazines? Kids today. It's gotten so crazy out there. You still use magazines? Kids today.

Yeah, you know. It's gotten so crazy. What's gotten crazy, man? Well, I think basically just the sort of instant access to anything online is kind of starting actually to get to the point where it's not as an amazing thing, porn. When we were kids, when I was a kid, they didn't have that, obviously. So you'd be excited when the Sears catalog comes.

You'd be excited. This is what you would... There was not this access to it. So it's almost overwhelming to me now. I think I've watched too much of it in my life, and I'm not interested in it that much anymore. To be honest with you... Sounds like you're campaigning for a nice girl.

When I started seeing it online in video, to be honest with you, I watched it a lot because I was interested in the web streaming technology. Right. Yeah, so I would go on some of the sites just to kind of – That's it, just for purely technological purposes. It was sort of like a business or research kind of thing because I'm doing my web show. I wanted to see that the streaming quality was good and things like this.

And you can get the most data from the facial section. That's what I find. Yeah. But, yeah, so, you know, it It's I think that's What's going to happen to us Are we all going to go crazy Because of this porn everywhere No

It's just people fucking They're just going crazy Because they've been suppressed For so long It's like Until everybody calms down And then they're going to realize Well I don't really like

Watching all this Crazy mouth fucking Until girls throw up And coming in their eyeballs And all that shit I don't really like that You can crazy mouth fucking until girls throw up and come in their eyeballs and all that shit. I don't really like that. You can watch making love videos. They're actually better than the porn fucking videos. I've never heard of that.

It's just two people and they're really in love and they just sit there and make love. It's actually pretty nice. Yeah, that's a way better way to beat off. Some fetish site you're into? Yeah. You don't like love videos? You don't even like professionals, boy? You like fucking scabs?

The love videos. They're scabs. They're violating the porn union. That's very nice. Oh, and where do you find that exactly? It's Google making love videos. There's this one chick that has a website. That's something I've never heard of before.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very romantic. There's one chick that's like the most famous blowjob artist in all of the world. I don't remember her name, but she's really famous. But it's ideepthroat.com. Heather, that's her name, right? Heather, Heather something. And she's got like, I don't know, 100 fucking videos.

And they're all of her blowing her husband, blowing this dude everywhere. And she has the most ridiculous lack of gag reflexes. She's got none. So, I mean, he's got a big dick. She's like, down to the balls, licking his balls every time. That does nothing for me. They have videos all over the place on the internet. He's turned his wife sucking his dick into a website.

Yeah. That's an interesting way to go. You like more violent. You should try these love videos. No, it's not what I like. I don't like it. Well, I like her. She's not doing it violent.

She's not throwing up. Somehow or another, she can just do it without gagging. That's the crazy thing. The other ones, there's a lot of Sasha Gray porn. That's fucking hard to watch, dude. That chick gets her mouth fucked. Oh, wait. You did the first watching two girls one cup video, right?

Did you do that? It wasn't the first. Oh, okay. No. I saw you do that, though. It was me and Joe. We did it. It was watching.

The shot was on you. The reaction. It was both of us. What was that called? What's that called? Reaction. Reaction it. It was watching. The shot was on you. The reaction. It was both of us. What was that called? What's that called? Reaction. Reaction video. Reaction video.

Yeah. That's interesting. It was one of those. It was a good one for reaction videos because everybody knew by the sound of the music what was going on if you'd already seen it. That was a very odd sort of blip on the pop culture radar the day that came out, right? Yeah, man. And it was a site dedicated to one video and everybody

went and watched it for a couple of days got millions and millions and millions of views i'm i joke about it and i bring it up on stage sometimes and it's incredible how many people have seen it and i think what's interesting about it is it repulsed people so instantly that it didn't really catch on like it didn that hasn't happened since, has it, where there's been one domain name comes out, you know. Not to that extent. Three girls, one horse. Two guys, one horse. Two guys, one horse.com.

There is. Oh, is there? Two guys, one horse. Guy gets fucked to death by a horse. Oh, I've heard about that in Seattle, right? Yeah. They had to change the law. Five hands, one girl was another one.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Really? Yeah. There's a guy. I think I've told this story before, but I'll tell it. He made that up. Because you're here. See, that's what I'm saying.

The point I'm making is that's a good thing to not take off. There was a dude that I know whose friend was dating a porn star, and he was trying to reconcile the fact that she fucked guys and that this was just a job and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Just kind of put it in the back of his head. And she came home with a contract, and she's going over the different parts of the contract and he goes what's what's this airtight and she goes airtight means a dick in every hole

he goes what one of my ass one of my pussy one of my mouth he goes okay this is over that was that was what cracked him yeah airtight cracked up yeah the fact that they actually have a a name for it a term yeah we for just being plugged up with dicks. And then what, are you going to come home and cuddle after that? Shit. Airtight. Unbelievable. Yeah, and so what happened? He just walked out the door and never talked to her again? Like fucking Clint Eastwood.

Airtight. Yeah, I think, you know, when your girlfriend's got airtight in her contract that's time to leave. It's a strange thing that a lot of the people in the porn business do. They figure out a way to have boyfriends

and girlfriends and be in relationships but they still fuck. They fuck other people when they work. But they're only allowed to do it when they're working. Yeah, it must

because we're all so accustomed to seeing it now that people probably out there actually can justify it in their mind because, oh, this is a legitimate profession here.

When does the Tom Green sex tape come out? When is that? And who's it with? Drew Barrymore? He's doing it with a hundred different women. Do you hate Max? What's that? Do you hate Max?

What? You know, that's something I don't think I could ever see myself doing. No sex tape? Is there one that exists, though, that you know of? There is not. There's definitely not one that I know of. Joe, is there one of you? No.

You don't videotape yourself? You know, not regularly, but I think it's from paranoia. I'm not going to say I never did it once in my life, but the thing is I immediately deleted it. Oh, it was a strong move. Yeah, immediately deleted it, didn I immediately deleted it. Always a strong move. Yeah, immediately deleted it. Didn't keep it around. Honestly, didn't even really want to watch it, to be honest with you.

You loved it. Was fun, the process of videotaping it. You didn't want to watch it, though? Not really, no. It was awful. Kind of freaked me out a little bit. When I do it, I'm just so disgusted. It depresses me.

Your body? But I do have one. What depresses you? Huh? What depresses you? It's just like, I don't know. Watching yourself is gross. Because I'm not like.

Wait a minute, Brian. Stop right now. Listen to how you're advertising your sex. You're a single man and you're saying you have depressing sex. No, no, no. I mean, do you like watching yourself? I'm like. I'm not hitting it like.

No, no, no. I mean, do you masturbate looking at yourself in the, ugh, ugh. I'm not hitting it like, ugh, ugh. No, no, no. I mean, do you masturbate looking at yourself in the mirror? No, of course not. Why would you want to watch yourself, right? I think it's like what you were saying. You're watching yourself having sex, and you're trying to recreate it in your memory. You don't like watching yourself on news or radio. Why would you want to see yourself having sex?

I'm not. Look, I don't want to watch it. But it doesn't depress me. No, I just don't like watching myself have sex. Okay, I see. I totally see what you're saying. I totally see what you're saying. It's disturbing.

What about if you do POV style? That would be cool. Slap an iPhone to your chest. That would be fine. Press record, slap an iPhone to your chest, and just capture as much as you can. I do have one of me when I was 16 or 17, using my dad's VHS camera that would make

old home movies about carrots attacking me. I would set it up in my room. I have one. Then I look at it and I'm like like can i get in trouble for watching myself you know when you're 15 yeah your child pornography of yourself right well could i get arrested with your girlfriend for myself with your girlfriend yeah yeah okay probably right i should destroy that tape right well you could get arrested probably if you could be probably could be that's illegal masturbation i think it it could be considered child pornography. Yeah, I mean, that's what they catch kids for.

You're under 16 years old. Could you be charged for being in possession of child pornography if the child pornography is of yourself? Well, that's what they're doing when the kids are getting their cell phones taken away and they find photos of them. Girls are getting charged with child pornography. Because they have a photo of themselves. Yes, because they have a photo of themselves that they sent to a boy.

They're charged with child pornography. See, so you probably should destroy that tape. What tape? Well, that's like that old... What tape? He doesn't have a tape.

Yeah, it allegedly had a tape. Meanwhile, how many gay guys are frantically searching the internet for a video of Brian at 15 masturbating? Not a nice thought.

No, I don't know. I mean, not for me personally, but the... Strangest podcast ever. Thanks, Tom Green. No, so wait, what was the thing then? So, yeah, anyways, let's change the topic, right? Change Tom's sex tapes.

Marijuana. Sex tapes is... Marijuana, yeah. Well well the subject was getting depressed watching yourself fuck you know and that he should do pov style so i love it when your song was released and then it was destroying the charts for tlc and then you get you trl trl and then did you were you forced to get rid of yes i, I was forced to. For 98 Degrees, that whole thing was... It's a very... There's a little bit of intrigue here behind the story because there was some things done in TRL

that were not necessarily ever made public. Right. Okay, well, fill me in on the L. What happened? What's the story? ever made public. Okay, well, film me on the L. What happened? Like the L and TRL isn't necessarily, it's not necessarily live all the time. The show's not on anymore, no big deal. What was the song and what happened?

Okay, so we went to Seattle and we were filming bits in Seattle and we thought, hey, this would be funny to do this song called the Bum Bum Song. One of my favorite songs ever. It was a ridiculous idea and I would go and it was just a silly video of me going around Seattle saying my bum is on the cheese, my bum is on the rail, my bum is on the boat, my bum is on the dock. It was a silly, sort of like a Dr. Seuss-style nursery rhyme rap. I want to hear the tune.

And the comedy of it was me out in the street sticking my ass on everything and confusing people and filming the reactions, right, and singing this silly song. And then we played it on my show, and we said we want this to go to number one on Total Request Live, which is their countdown music show that they would have every night, hosted by Carson Daly. And so we played it on Seattle radio and it went to number one instantly. This was when my show was on MTV. It was a really doing well show on MTV. The show was doing well on MTV. People went to number one. People saw the absurdity of this song, knocking 98 Degrees, Britney Spears, NSYNC, and whoever else was on the J-Lo, I think, out of the number one spot.

So we played it on the show. We asked people to vote for it. People voted for it. It went to number one on Tuesday. The show, I think, aired on a Monday. It went to number one on a. The show, I think, aired on a Monday. It went to number one on a Tuesday. This is the song. Remember this show? This was like

a huge hit. This song was big. And this was the first song to be like, this was right when MP3s just started. So it was the number one downloaded song that year. What year was this? I think 14 people downloaded it.

What year? 93? No, this was 99, 2000. Okay, so what happened? So they squashed your song? Yeah, it went to number one on Tuesday. Then on Wednesday it was number one again. And then on Thursday it was number one again. And then we get a call on Thursday at the office

and they're saying, guys, we want you to kind of play ball with us here. And we're like, well, what's the deal? They said, well, you know, we need you to go on the show on Friday and retire the bum bum song and take it off the countdown. And we're like, why?

We got the number one song in America on MTV, man. Yeah, write it. This is amazing, right? Make money off this shit. This is unbelievable. Let's keep it at number one. They go, well, the thing is we've pre-taped the show next week because Carson's going to be in San Francisco and all this stuff.

So it's kind of like who we think is going to be. And we hadn't predicted you airing the show on Monday and it instantly going to number one. So it kind of screws up next week's pre-tape, which is all in the can. So can you go on on a Friday and just retire it and we'll give you like a retirement home plaque. And then, you know, I was on MTV and I had my show on MTV and I didn't want to get fired, right? Everybody's already mad at me about all this other shit, screaming at me all day about, you know, I want to suck milk out of a cow's udder because I think it'll be crazy. Let's put it on TV. And they're like, you can't do that. We're arguing nonstop.

It was the most stressful time of my life. And that's saying something because I'm pretty stressed out right now too. Not right now, but most of the time. And so I'm on the show and I'm getting yelled at all the time by everybody. Everyone's always screaming at each other, trying to make the show crazy or make it less crazy. And then so I played ball. I went in. I got a nice plaque.

And you know what? I'm not even, to be honest with you, not even. Well, yeah, you know, I played ball. I went in and I got a nice plaque. And you know what? I'm not even, to be honest with you, not even, well, yeah, you know, I think of it now, I think, you know, we could have rode that thing a little further. I could have put out a record. I probably could have, you know, had some fun with that.

But yeah, that's what happened. That's what happened. That's crazy. That's interesting, man. 98 degrees. You got fucked by the corporation. Yeah, exactly. It makes sense, though,

that it would probably cost them a fuckload of money if they had already pre-taped things. Yeah, they would reshoot five shows. But how crazy is that that now you find out what their rankings are like? It's all total bullshit. They made them up. They probably had deals with the record company. Like, we need to push 98 degrees. And here's $100,000.

Did they do that? Probably. Well, that's illegal. I mean, that's what they owe us. I doubt they did that. I don't think they did that. I never heard anything like that. Brian, you're just making shit up. No, no. I are. I doubt they did that. I don't think they did that. I never heard anything like that. Brian, you're just making shit up.

No, no. I'm just throwing shit on the table. No, they never did. I'm not saying I have proof. They never did anything like that. I think it was just basically, it was a very strange week, and they sort of basically... So if it wasn't for that week, that song could have stayed on the countdown and become gigantic. Basically, that week was probably a repeat of the week before.

Brian. What are you doing, Brian? That's weird. That's me. That's me screaming about the... The end of the week before you. Brian, what are you doing, Brian? That's weird. That's me screaming about the... The end of the song. Now, is that video going out too? And that's an iPad, which is pretty awesome.

Yeah, it's actually just streaming on the iPad, but it's not going out. That's pretty cool. People can hear the audio. But, you know, I've told that story before. I don't think anyone at MPV

cares anymore about that. Well, why would they care? They fucked you. You're the one who's supposed to care. You could have got paid, son. It's out on the island. You could have been driving that fucking song right now

in the form of a red Ferrari. Yeah, that's true. You know what I'm saying? You could be rolling with a big fat diamond encrusted watch letting bitches know. Man.

And they'd be like, Tom Green, how'd you get so rich? Bum bum song. I wrote a bum bum song. Bitches try to pull it off the air. In two Eminem i wrote a bum bum song bitches try to pull it off the air in two eminem songs you know they just try to pull it off the end i was like two nah keep that song on the bum bum song and uh oh you know those both the same song

you know when eminem rapped about eminem rap eminem took the line from the bum bum song he says why can't i go on tv and let loose when it's cool for tom green to hump a dead moose my bum is on your lips my bum is on your lips and if you get lucky i'll give it a little kiss that's what i'm doing that's so awesome yeah that's cool and the thing that's funny about that which is really cool is that like you know that song is like i hear that all over the world now and this is it says your name in it right so you're walking through that's when you're walking through like you know an airport an airport in Amsterdam or something and it's like you hear him rapping about, it's pretty cool. Who would have thought that

Eminem would have, I mean, I guess it was pretty awesome when he came out, but I mean, just to be around for 10 years. Have you ever met him? I have not met him, no. But he let us use that song and Freddie got fingered through, you know, we had to license it, but he doesn't license music out that much. He gives a sweet deal, we got to put it in the

credit roll if Freddie got fingered, so that was pretty cool. Thank you. That is awesome. Thank you, Marshall. That's very cool. Marshall Mathers. No, that's pretty cool, yeah. Do you still write music? Do you ever think about doing another hit? I have a friend of mine who's a really cool producer here in town

who I make music with sometimes. His name's Detail. And he does a lot of cool music. And I just do it for fun. I have a little home studio for fun. You know, got the Pro Tools and the Mac computer. That's cool. So you got your fingers in all aspects of show business. You're always doing

something for you. It's more like a hobby. It's more just a fun thing. But it's a fun thing. You know, the songs I make are so ridiculous that they're never I don't think there ever would be a sort of any mainstream so i think the uh stand-up thing is an interesting subject because you didn't do stand-up for a long time you did stand up when you were like 15 16 yeah and then you stopped for like god what 20 years i uh i would do it sort of occasionally but never sort of as i had an act that I was working on. What launched it? What made you decide to want to get back into it? You know, about...

A boot? A boot. A boot. Yeah, I do that still. That's the one. That's the one word that I get nailed on. When you get sincere. When you go sincere, you go deep.

Do you still drink Canadian beer? A boot. You know, I do when I can. I do when I can. I just sort of drink. I drink when I can. I do when I can. So, what happened?

So, well, about two years ago, Rob Schneider came on my show as a guest on the web show. And his brother John also came up. And I started hanging out with those guys. And it was maybe about a year and a half ago. John said, you know, Rob's doing stand-up now, too. He's been touring all year. And he said, Rob's going to start doing stand-up. You should start doing stand-up. And I thought, you know, this would be a pretty cool way. First of all, this isn't something that I've

been thinking about since I was a kid. And I was very intimidated by it. I was afraid of it. It was in the back of my head. I was kind of thinking, you know, I don't know. It's just, you know, I was so used to doing the show. And I remember how hard it was when I was a teenager. You know, when you're 15 years old, standing up in front of a bunch of college kids, you know, it was a tough thing. It was a very stressful thing. So I've done it over the years, hosting shows and things like this in front of the audience, but not having the act. Rob was doing it. He was going around jumping up at clubs around town at the Ice House in Pasadena and the Belly Room at the Comedy Store. And we were just kind of going around trying out stuff. And it sort of instantly was something that I immediately was kind of like...

Attracted to. I thought, geez, why did I not start doing this sooner? This is just such a great thing. Part of it also is I've been living in L.A. for 10 years. I've got this web studio in my house. I'm kind of thinking, I've got to get out of the house been living in L.A. for 10 years. I've got this web studio in my house. I'm kind of thinking, I've got to get out of the house sometime here in L.A. I need something social to do that's not going and sitting in some loud nightclub, drinking with people.

Hey, this is something to really kind of wrap my hands around. I also was missing getting up in front of an audience. The web show is in my living room, so you don't have the audience. So it's been an amazing time. And basically did it for about six months in LA, just jumping up and writing, writing, writing, writing. Lots of stuff. And I've taken off.

I got to go to Australia for the first time. But you're doing like an hour on stage. Yeah. That is very few people have ever gone from, I don't do stand-up to I'm headlining on the road Performing on stage for an hour. That's a pretty incredible When you used to do about an hour and 15 when you used to do stand-up How long did you used to do like you used to do a long long long long time ago?

It was 15 know what I was I was yeah, but I was like do I you know at At its peak about 15 minutes as a little 15 minute middle mid minutes? Middle. Usually it was five to seven minutes opening act. That's good. Amateur night at first. So tell me how you concocted this tour. I mean, how long had you been doing stand-up before you said, all right, I'm going to take this to the road now? Basically what happened was I was jumping up all around town,

and then Norm MacDonald asked me to open up for him one night and do some shows with him one night just to kind of get, you know, keep practicing. And then, and essentially, Sarah Sheregi from Gersh, who came to all my shows and said, you know what, I'm going to book you on a tour. And I said, well, that's pretty cool. And she now... Okay, how many months is this into your stand-up? So I've been nine months on the road and she's been booking all these shows.

Between the time you got back on stage and the time you started touring, how long was that? This was probably about six months or something like that. That's crazy. So you just jumped in and then six months later...

I was writing every day very much with the intention of I want to go on the road and do this. It's very impressive that you were able to put together over an hour of material in six months.

That's amazing, man. It is. That is amazing. Mike Young was doing the same jokes again last night. You're developing new shit out of nowhere. My friend Mike Young did some shit that he did nine years ago last night. You know, I approached it from a really kind of the way I approached doing my television show or my web show.

I would be writing all the time and trying to build up the set. Very diligent. Jumping up, doing stuff, seeing what worked. I organized it all out in paper. Is that what you're doing? Two cards? For the first few months of doing the hour set, I had a set list that I actually took on stage with me.

And I'd set it on the stools, had my water on it. I'd do my bits. And then if I got lost, I'd look down. That's a good move. Doug Benson brings notes on stage and goes, look, if you don't want me to be stumbling around wondering what the fuck I'm talking about, this is good. But eventually after a while, though, I was kind of like, you know, I started feeling like it was kind of a bit of a crutch

because I'm trying to be really physical. Well, you don't have to use it. But the thing about a note, I don't use notes, but the thing about notes, the good thing is, if you need them, they're there. It's like, why not have it there? Sometimes you're like, I want to hear Joey Diaz

will say, what the fuck was I talking about? What the fuck was I talking about? Oh, that's it. And you tell him and then he's got the story and then you just run and ramble on to the story.

Sometimes you just need a little note. Yeah, I think I might start putting new stuff that I've never done before on notes and pulling that out at some point or setting it there. There's something about writing things down on paper. As I can remember all the stuff I've done, once I've never done before on notes and pulling that out at some point

or setting it there. There's something about writing things down on paper. Because I can remember all the stuff I've done. Once I've done it three or four times, I can remember it,

but usually I can't remember it. There's something about writing things down on paper that's really good for your memory, too. Actually, the act of creating a note makes it solidify

in your mind. And when you use your memory, you can recall what you wrote. You can see it in the order. Set list. Just have a set list of just your basic bits. Yeah, that's cool.

The iPhone thing, set list is cool. That's definitely better than nothing. But I think writing something actually down on paper seems to have the most effect. It seems to be more – it sticks better. Yeah. So do you – when you wrote out your act, did you write out a beginning, a middle, and an end? Did you put it all together verbatim or do you ad lib when you're on stage like uh yeah initially i i sort of uh yeah i i ad lib a lot on stage but i have this sort of

pretty solid begin like i know where i know where i'm gonna start i know i'm gonna do when i start i know what i'm gonna do when i'm finished actually pretty much know the order i'm gonna go in through the bits that i've tried and tested and then uh but then often i'll kind of go off into the audience between bits for a second and talk to some people for a second and but uh but what what's happened is it sort of evolved over the year like like last nine months of doing it is every week i'll kind of go you know maybe this is a little too depressing of a subject matter to talk off the top right so then i'll move it sort of later in the act. And it's kind of, it's been fun.

It's been really fun and challenging, you know, doing it. And I'm sort of shuffling things around all the time. And so it's been cool. I write bits down on my phone, on the notepad in my phone, if I think something weird. And then I'll go home and I'll type it up on the computer. So do you type it up as a joke or do you type up bullet points? Like what do you do? I usually write it out kind of word for word with punchlines and exactly how I'm going to say it.

And then I edit it and I get it exactly the way I want it to be. And then I try to sort of remember it. And then usually the first time I say it on stage, I forget about half of the taglines. I forget about half of them. But I say it, but then I get off the stage, I forget about half of the taglines. I forget about half of them. But I say it, but then I get off the stage and I immediately remember, oh, I forgot that, that, that. And I think the disappointment of forgetting them makes it easier to remember the next time because then I go look at them again.

I go, I've got to remember this tag, this line, this line. And so it's interesting. It is interesting because it really is kind of cool. I mean, again, this is the first year of doing this full-time night after night but to just you know what people tell you know you got to get up it's like a muscle you get up on stage you start to retain it differently and and you know you know there's been obviously periods for two three weeks where i haven't done a show this year and then you know you get back on it's weird you can't remember anything yeah i take a week or two off all the time and when i come back on stage i'm like i always have

to do a warm-up set. I do something in town in LA, and then it charges it. And then that's the only time where I'll go over material just to familiarize myself with what I've been talking about most recently. So I have my iPhone records all my sets, and I get recordings from Brian, too. So then I take them, and I put them on my iPod, and then I just listen to my planes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So it makes you dissect your shit.

It's also uncomfortable. An audio recording. You want to be better than what you're listening to. You want to tighten it up and this and that. Oh, yeah. That's cool. When you're not hearing it for the first time, you're hearing it for the fucking 400th time and it's you.

You really start breaking shit down. So you record it in an iPod? Sometimes on my iPhone. Sometimes I get it from him. He plugs up an MP3 recorder That's a good idea That's helpful Because then you can hear the little things that you say

So you're enjoying it man You're enjoying the whole process Yeah it's been really fun And you know I think Like what we were talking about When we were having coffee When I got here in the kitchen You were talking about

How it's just nice to be in an independent thing Where you want to come up with a crazy idea, a funny thought, and you go up and you can try it. There's no somebody coming in telling you not to say this or do that. The most frustrating thing for anybody controversial like you has got to be a bunch of executives that have their ideas about what they think is going to be funny and they're imposing it. It may not be funny for you. It might not be funny for three people in this room, but four people in this room might think it's the funniest shit they've ever seen. And you're going for those four people, and these people can never see that.

All they can see is, but you're losing three. If you just took this back, this person would still like it. You'd still get the original people, and we'd have two more people that like it. That's how they think. They think in these nutty numbers, and they're not thinking creatively. And then you end up spending most of your time dealing with that, and at the end of it all, you're never really sure what it would have been if you'd just sort of gone wild on your own.

It's a beautiful thing about the stage. Just being on the road has been really fun. It's been really fun. I also thought it'd be a cool way to go out and film stuff for my website because I've always said, hey, it'd be cool to take my web show and go to different cities and see the people that watch the web show. People call in on TomGreen.com. They call in on Skype. I recognize every show I go to.

It's so bizarre. Every show I go to, I recognize 10 people in the audience. I'm like, hey, John, how are you doing? That's so strange. Every show I go to, I recognize 10 people in the audience. I'm like, hey, John, how you doing? I've never been to the city before. And it's like, hey. We've got to set up Skype, dude. We've got to do that. I'm just scared of 4chan.

You're scared of 4chan? Yeah. Don't be scared. Oh, yeah, that's fun. That's fun. It just gives you somebody to fuck with. You should never admit that you're scared of them. You should never admit it. You're fucked up. I'm not scared of them. Yeah, you're already fucked up. You're already fucked up. I want to with them. You should never admit that you're scared of them. You should never admit it.

You're fucked up. I'm not scared of them. Yeah, you're already fucked up. I want to join them. There we go. Now we're talking. Well, you know, the thing is, I mean, to give you a little bit of an idea here,

so what we've done in my sight, because 4chan was, I found, did some fairly clever and ridiculous and absurd prank calls on us constantly. Barrel roll. Yeah, all this. Barrel roll. Completely irrelevant. And obviously the most annoying thing, because it's completely irrelevant.

I'm sitting here with a guest. So that was on the phone. But on Skype, it's much more difficult for them to do that. Because we've created a system, which I'll tell you about off-air, actually. I'll tell you about off-air. Tell off-air. You motherfuckers, you ain't getting time. Got to stay one step ahead of the 4chan guys.

But I'll tell you, I'll system for Skype that you can actually use that will help in that area. 4chan! Don't do it. You're fucked up. You hurt everybody's ears and you pissed a bunch of people off

they're coming after you now dude you fucked up they went after that bitch that threw puppies in the river they got her was that loud

4chan got that it was alright I think I'm losing my hearing because of stuff like that too me too I think I'm starting

to lose my hearing I've noticed a lot sometimes I'm in conversations with people and they're talking to me as if I should be able to hear what they're saying. Same with me. I'm thinking maybe I'm just not paying attention to them, but I can't hear them.

It's probably from having your ears blown out from people like me. Is that what it is, or is it just a bunch of people that are talking all soft? Right. What's up, bitch? Talk like a fucking normal person. Some people just mumble, man. Certain frequencies, too, when people have that frequency of voice and you're in a noisy area.

Are you doing comedy? Tell me about what you're talking about on stage. How annoying is that? What kind of stuff do you talk about? That is the dumbest question. I mean, I know it's a relevant question, but for a comic, what are the things you're talking about right now?

Well, let me tell you, I think Sarah Palin is dumb. Yeah, let me do the bit right now, which doesn't really, you know... I think killer whales are smart. They shouldn't be in pools. I think... Let me just take a look at what's going on right now. UFOs. A lot of UFO stuff going on, huh? Isn't there? Can I go on a little UFO bit? Can you tell

somebody exactly what you're talking about? Because I think that people, when they ask that question, you know, don't understand how important the audience is when you're telling these jokes. It's so much part of it. So you need the audience there. That's cool. So wait, the UFO thing.

UFO thing. Have you been paying attention to what's going on? That's something that I watch. You and appointed a liaison or a spokesperson for the human race, rather race in communication when aliens land. Yeah. Really? Yeah, some weird-looking chick.

She's very man-looking. Yeah. She's unusual-looking. And she's the person that they're going to talk to? Don't get me wrong. She's strange-looking. She's the person they're going to talk to? Yeah.

Yeah, she's speaking for you. Shouldn't we have some sort of input into this? Say, yeah, what the fuck? The UN. Who this of fucking weirdo cunts that run different countries all over the world. I don't know what the fuck they're doing. Is that just like, oh, and if we ever get attacked by aliens, you have to do this?

Maybe. Maybe like her other job. Volunteer firefighter? Yeah, maybe it's just like that's the most basic part. I hope so, because imagine if that's a fucking full-time job. Can you imagine if she gets like $100,000 a year in benefits and all she has to do is just sit around and wait for the aliens to call? She's got her feet up, reading Us magazine.

Yeah, keep up to date on what's important. Who the fuck could... Look, the aliens don't give a fuck about who the leader is. They don't give a shit. If they were going to come here from another galaxy, they're the leader. There is no leader. You don't get to represent.

The aliens don't care what's the fucking number one ant. Do you ever look at, who's the number one ant before I kill all you people? No, you just kill all the ants. There's no discussion. You don't have communication with ants over who's going to die and whether or not you guys can move out. No, you just kill them all. And if that's what aliens decide to do to us, they'll do the same thing

to us that we do to monkeys, that we do to dolphins, that we do to killer whales. But they could be peaceful. They could be like that monkey that was holding the kitten the other day. They might just come down and cradle us. Yeah. It might be the exact opposite. They might just be like, hey, we just want to comb your hair and hang out. Big, fuzzy Chewbacca-type

creatures that come down and just want to cuddle us. It's interesting. I try to keep these thoughts, these ideas of UFOs and aliens, I try to keep them away from my consciousness because I think they're giant time wasters. You know, the contemplate, what if the aliens come in? Are these UFO videos real?

I'm open to the possibility that there are aliens, but I'm not going to sit around and watch some fucking lights in the sky that I don't know what the fuck it is, and it turns out it was actually a helicopter and you're actually retarded. Right. You know, oh, you know, I mean, maybe this is a...

Or it was a prank. Yeah, or it was a prank. Like one of those little helicopters that he souped up and has a couple of LEDs and... But I'm not close to the idea that there are something, that it is possible that there are some sort of intelligent life forms out there that are capable of traveling here. Yeah. Whether they're from another planet or another dimension. Why wouldn't you? It sounds ridiculous, but everything about this life

would be ridiculous if we weren't living it. The idea that we can get the internet would be ridiculous if it didn't exist. The idea that you could send pictures from your phone. The idea that you have a phone that fits in your pocket and you call someone in China and talk in real time. Everything is so condensed now. It's so much smaller now.

It's all so strange that it's entirely possible there's something super advanced past this and they can communicate with us. And it probably could be here right now watching us. But these guys that came out today

or that you were talking about last night. A couple days ago, yeah. That are Air Force generals, et cetera, that have been sworn to secrecy for the last 50 years or whatever,

that say that, you know, they came and checked out some nuclear, our nuclear that say that they came and checked out some nuclear sites and that they shut off some nuclear weapons, and they're all saying that this happened. Do you think that happened? It could be one of two things. Well, it could be many things. One of the things that it could be that I always think is maybe these guys are being paid by the government

to say absolutely ridiculous things and that nothing ever really happened at all and what there are is a part of some sort of a disinformation campaign and then eventually turn out they lied about a few details and that will discredit the whole story and it just makes aliens seem more and more ridiculous to calm people down because maybe there may be some things that they can't keep wraps on and when those things are leaked the best way to diffuse the impact of some some sort of a crazy event video, the best way to diffuse the impact would be to show all these other ones of similar stories that seem absolutely ridiculous. So it automatically gets lumped into, oh, it's a UFO video. Oh, you're crazy. Oh, you believe that. And so it automatically

puts it into that category. I mean, that's an effective psychological tactic. If you were someone like the CIA or someone in the NSA, someone who's of a super intelligence community, they know how to fucking manipulate people. Don't make no mistake about it. They absolutely do. So it could be that. Or it could be that these people really saw some shit

and they don't even know what the fuck it is. It could be that they're all crazy. There's a bunch of could-bes. But until I see something, until some shit comes into my life, I'm just wasting my time. I don't want to sit around thinking whether or not half this shit is real. And Rob Lazar, did he really work at Area 51? Yeah, that guy. I saw that guy.

I've watched all. I got addicted to watching that stuff for a good year. I was addicted to watching all this stuff and talking about this disclosure. They're going to tell us soon. They're just prepping us for it you know the disclosure project i really do hope that uh they tell us soon because i don't think that would be pretty cool man i think there's a lot of people scrambling trying to figure out a bunch of different things that don't make sense and i think it's very possible that there are some alien life forms but i do not think that our government has shit under control enough to keep all that shit under wraps and to somehow or another be communicating with these things.

I think if the government knows anything about UFOs, they know barely more than the average person knows. And they have some evidence and they keep that shit under wraps. They have cleared up some evidence perhaps. Maybe, if it's true. Maybe. You hear all the Area 51 stories and the Roswell stories and, you know, the crashes have been recovered all over the country. There's been crashes recovered supposedly in Pennsylvania in the woods. And who knows how much of that shit's bullshit?

Who knows how much of that stuff is just some sort of a prototype that the U.S. government was working on. It didn't work and it crashed. You know, who the fuck knows? But I'm open, man. I'm open to the possibility. That's just the fact that we exist to ants. Okay. Then that means the way the universe works,

things become ever more complicated. They keep going in the same direction over and over again. If human beings came from amoebas and all of a sudden someday evolved to become human beings, whatever the fuck we were as single-celled organisms that became us, there's going to be a similar leap of evolution from us to something else.

So it literally will be, the aliens will be treating us the same way we treat a fucking ant colony. Look at these silly cunts. Look at these silly cunts with their pollution and their stupid buildings. See, I'm hoping what it is is these ships that come, right? They come and they start talking to us and then eventually they start they open up and they come out and they look exactly like us.

Right? They look exactly like us. And what it is is we've spread maybe we've got, maybe they got like ants, you know, we're like ants, right? They got similar human beings. similar but what's so great about us so then we get in this thing and you get to go to another planet instantly with their technology and it's got you know more space it's not all there's no pollution and they've so you know sort of like that that's what i'm kind of hoping for that's what i'm kind of angling for i'm hoping for that you want utopia that's beautiful you know what you should do you should write a book saying that you know it's true

and then start a cult Yeah And then drink a bunch Of grape Kool-Aid And brew You don't have to go Crazy Kool-Aid I think that was in Africa Wasn't it?

It was Guyana Yeah Was it? Yeah Kool-Aid Guyana Guyana tragedy

Jim Jones It's amazing isn't it? South America It was South America Guyana South America Was that what it is? French or Guyana Is in South America

You heard the audio recording, right? Yeah. It's so scary. So scary. Yeah. If you don't know the story, Jim Jones was a cult leader, moved all of his people to Guyana, wherever that is. I thought it was Africa. It sounds African. And they all drank and they all drank. He made them all poison themselves. And then they shot a bunch of people too. He didn't want to take the poison. Congressman flew down there to see them. And the way they poisoned them was they put the cyanide in grape Kool-Aid.

And that's why they say don't drink the Kool-Aid. That's where that saying comes from. Yeah, and that's the saying. So it's pretty major. It resulted in a saying. Yeah, a cultural tag. I wonder if Kool-Aid's pissed about that too. Yeah, they must be.

Why would they when they're so delicious? Why would they worry? Why would Kool-Aid's pissed about that too. Why would they when they're so delicious? Why would they worry? Why would Kool-Aid give a fuck? Because they're connected to a mass murder. I know for a long time. I wonder how we should research find out what their sales were. Right after the Diana tragedy. That's probably why Hawaiian Punch was born. Oh yeah. Probably came out after that.

You'd think Kool-Aid might have just changed their name. Maybe. You might be right Tom Green I think that's a good note To end it on Absolutely This has been awesome This is a lot of fun We've been on for like

A couple hours or something Yeah two hours That's amazing Well it's cool because We get to go into depth About subjects you know I find that like When we were doing an hour

We would just start Talking about things And then all of a sudden We'd run out of time And we're like Why can't we just keep going I love it We said that when I was

On your show I was like This is so much fun I love it It seems like it'd be was on your show. I was like, this is so much fun. It seems like it'd be more fun if we got to keep going. It's nice just to get into a rhythm like that. Yeah, so we have no set time. And I appreciate you having me on. This is really cool.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much for doing it, man. I appreciate you coming by. I think it's so awesome that I can just run into... Brian. And I'd love to have you come back and do the Web-O-Vision soon at TomGreen.com. We can run into each other at a comedy club, and then all of a sudden, boom, we're hanging out doing a podcast.

That show that you did is actually on TomGreen.com right now. You can go watch it. And follow me on Twitter. Yes. At TomGreenLive. And Tom Green, if you haven't seen his show, he has a whole web. We were talking about the show where he and I did. He has a whole, literally like a Tonight Show on the internet.

I mean, it's a brilliant thing, and I loved it, and it inspired me to do this. That was the first thought in my mind of putting something together on the internet. Yep, you get my tour dates on there. Come see me in San Francisco this weekend. TomGreenLive.com or TomGreen.com? TomGreen.com and TomGreenLive. It'll link to it also on the Twitter. But I'm in Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco this weekend.

I've never been there before. That's going to be cool. Fucking awesome. Yeah. Great club. And then Minneapolis the next week, and then Canada. Powerful Canada. He's coming home, bitches.

All right. Thank you very much, everybody. We will see you probably, it looks like, next Wednesday, Monday or Wednesday, depending on who I can get for next week. But thanks for tuning in, and love you, bitches. Later.