The Joe Rogan Experience - #457 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: February 18, 2014

Ari Shaffir is a stand-up comedian and also hosts his own podcasts "Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank" and "Punch Drunk Sports" available on Spotify.

By the time he was doing Blade 2 or 3, apparently he was off the handle. Patton Oswalt wrote a whole blog entry about it. On meeting him? Describing it. Describing it. He might have performed it somewhere. He might have performed it. I'm not sure.

I remember hearing about it, I think. Holy shit, it was crazy. It was like Ryan O'Neill and him. And apparently Wesley was gone. He was just off the deep end crazy on the set. And so they replaced him with what Patton called much cooler black guys. They replaced him with another guy to film some of the scenes. Did the scenes?

Yeah, did the martial arts stuff. Because they couldn't deal with him? I don't know. I don't know what the fuck happened. Wasn't he already sort of a movie star? He went crazy in between there and there? Yeah, I think probably some substances were involved. Oh, yeah.

That's always that. It's usually. It's always that. Yeah. And you see them taking whatever, and you're like, oh, oh. It's also, I don't think we can imagine what it's like to be that famous. I think for some people, it's just, and then you get hooked up with the wrong people in your life and you're fucking around with the wrong friends and getting in trouble so many of them elvis yeah it's it's a it's a drug well the the nature of the business

like if you're a fucking your person who's in the limelight that heavily like the nature of the business becomes very bizarre you know the nature of your reality you're getting around everyone treats you like a like a like a commodity we're talking about justin bieber like how justin bieber the kids like everywhere he goes people fucking freak out just to see him like oh he's like some weird alien you know we can't imagine what the fuck i just feel bad for him now it's sort of in a way i mean it's not an ideal way to live. It seems awesome. Like, don't feel bad.

He's got all this money. But it's a crazy, like, burden to throw on somebody. Brent Tobler told me he got into an elevator with Jessica Simpson. And she turns to the woman she was with and goes, he's not supposed to be in here. As if, like, another human. Yeah, he was just going up to whatever his room he was in. No way. Yeah.

Wow. Oh, my God. Yeah. Well, it was just going up to whatever room he was in. No way. Yeah. Wow. Oh my God. Yeah. Well, you know what though? How do you start expecting that? This is wrong. It is totally wrong, but in her defense, to be her as a woman and be super duper, super famous.

Yeah. She must be so vulnerable. It must be weird to the opportunity for a guy to get in an elevator with her. Men want to fuck her so much. There's so many men who, like, and a guy who knows that he could probably physically take advantage of her and can't believe that he's in her presence

in a trapped environment like an elevator. If he's a really creep, he would go to town. He could. He would ravage her. Be horrible. I mean, you're much more vulnerable as a woman if you're that stupor famous. So you think she puts in a rider when she goes to a hotel? It's like, okay, but you got to let them know. No one can ride with me.

No, you can't do that. She might have rules that her security follows. Her security details. Her security. She might have rules. She doesn't want security to let anybody in the hotel lobby with her, won won't let anybody in the elevator with i don't know she might but it's like people don't have to listen to that yeah but how do you stay normal after that after no one's allowed to be in the elevator with you well here's the thing about like you and i is that we're we're

stand-up comedians and by being a stand-up comedian you're all the time forced to look at everything you looked at yourself you look at yourself you lookup comedian, you're all the time forced to look at everything. Interact with people. You look at yourself. You look at yourself. You look at, like, what you're saying. You look at the world around you. You're looking for jokes in things. You're looking for jokes in yourself.

You're looking for jokes in your own life. A lot of people don't do that ever. Oh, right. So they're not ever thinking about their behavior. They're just doing what they can get away with. And they're acting as fucking Looney Tunes off the deep doing what they can get away with. And they're acting as fucking Looney Tunes off the deep end as they can get away with it. As they continue to get away with more

and more Looney Tunes shit. They get worse and worse. Well, that's what the whole diva thing is all about, man. I mean, she has so much power to yell and scream at people. Yeah. Why is that? What's going on there? They said Roseanne, every more year she had her show,

they were just firing more showrunners. She was on the podcast talking about it. Really? Yeah, she was talking about it. Just like getting rid of people. Well, she talked about how crazy she went. Really? Yep.

Wow. Yeah, yeah. She's pretty open about it. I mean, she's essentially saying what you're saying. She's saying that nobody can handle it. It's just too... One after another, they all fall. It's too hard.

Just to be, but there's no way he's normal no way there's no way yeah he's trying to rush people like dude you're scrawny man so young too you know for him to be so young and to have that happen to him it's a fucking wild ride man that's not a normal ride of life you're not a man yet you're a child and you're adored. That's not supposed to happen that way. You're supposed to feel insecure. You can see how they become that King Joffrey. Oh, yeah. Exactly. Exactly.

If you were raised in that? I'm sure he's not. I'm sure a lot of it is exaggerated. He seems like a nice kid. I met him once. I shook his hand, his dad's hand, at the UFC. Really? Yeah. He seems like a nice kid. Did you tremble? What do I know? I didn't know who he was. I didn't't know he was until i was shaking his hand like as i was shaking his hand i was like that's a singer kid this was a while ago but he's much more famous now than even he was then oh like he's like in some crazy stratosphere fame thing now but i think all of us exude fame where you're

like jesus no no no no no he was just a nice kid. Just came over and said, I realized as I was shaking his hand that it was Justin Bieber. Like I said, this was like two years ago. Probably two. Maybe, might even be three. But nice, you know, it's, nice is all well and good. Canadian, man. Being able to handle that kind of fame. I couldn't imagine how anybody could not Elvis it.

There's no way. It seems it. There's no way. It seems like... There's no way. It seems like your reality is just so bizarre. Yeah, if you're just entitled to something, you were just like, alright, I'll just take it. Yeah. Do you think they're just picking on him to a point where, like, I mean, they're

making news stories of him peeing in a mop bucket. Oh, yeah. They're making news stories of him being a 21-year-old egging his neighbor's house. But hold on, I think that was real. No, no, no, but it is real. But I mean, when I was 21... Right, that's what I'm saying.

We all did that. We all did that. We're not any better than that. But a 21-year-old that's got $500 million or whatever he's got, that becomes more interesting to people. And they get mad at him. You peed in a bucket? You have that much money? What's he's got to pee? more interesting to people. And they get mad at him. You peed in a bucket?

You have that much money? What's he's got to pee? It's a line. You're drunk. The house, the egging the house thing, I kind of disagree. I don't think

there's anything wrong with that. Yeah. I don't think there's anything wrong with that being a story. I think that's a real important story. Yeah, I agree, but he got caught.

But it's like, that is the worst. Like, all these other things are just so minor it's like Miley Cyrus like well yeah you're 19

and slutting it up yeah you're from the fucking south of course it's perfect on target I bet you if you were hanging out

with him it would be just like hanging out with your friends oh you want to smoke weed oh dude let's get a little fast in the car oh let's do this and then

of all those things that you did they've made stories out of all these little minor details and made it like every time you go on tmz it's something stupid like bieber did this he flicked off there was smoke coming out of his car well he becomes the show see the problem is like when when you step out like that and you're driving a chrome car and you know and you're i mean he's what he's doing is he's stepping out he's racing lamborghinis in miami and he's getting fucked up here and he's getting fucked up there and he's having fun he's having a great time i bet he's having a great time he's doing the best i've ever imagined a

19 year old kid could do with a half a billion dollars he's doing great like leave him alone his dad's around him all the time, right? I don't know. I mean, he was. He's telling negative stories. Who knows? He's like, I'm just trying to make good music, dude. What the fuck should I do? He's having a blast is what he's having.

But boy, he's on a crazy rocket ship ride. There's no way he doesn't implode. He's strapped to the head of like a missile and shot through the sky. And it's like, wow, the the fucking you know the ride is very fast and very exciting yeah but the landing oh yeah what is the landing gonna be like they stop trying to make them out like a uh like a virgin anymore well how are you gonna keep this i mean how long are you gonna keep balling how long can you keep balling that hard he's got a chrome car he's 19 he's

got a chrome car he's throwing eggs at his fucking neighbor's house shirley temple retired at 21 whoa yeah she was like i'm getting out of the business i'm living off residuals whoa she lived a normal life wow that's crazy yeah i feel like 10 years nobody even fucking bother her wow huh that might be the move just like cool i did it now i'm good That's crazy. Yeah. I feel like 10 years, nobody would even fucking bother. Wow. Huh. That might be the move. That might be the move. Just like, cool, I did it. Now I'm good.

I'm set on this. Let me just work on my painting. I don't know, man. As you see more and more instances of people that get that super stratosphere of fame and more and more Michael Jacksons. and more and more Michael Jackson's, you know. Michael Jackson, to me, is the most fascinating character study on human beings that I've ever witnessed because I think he is... He never went down and fainted. Well, I guess sort of, but not really.

He kind of did and then didn't, and, you know, he's sort of still in the mix because people didn't want to believe that he was a child molester. Nobody wanted to believe it. Dude, that guy, it became a fucking freak. He became... A monster. He became a monster.

He turned into a monster. He became a monster. The thing turned him into a monster. He became this white-skinned vampire-like guy with alien eyes. Pig nose. He had his eyes worked on to the point where his eyes were like really big and wide. It was weird. He had a bunch of weird shit done to his face.

He had a dimple put in. And then he played the Super Bowl like that. And he denied ever having anything done. Did he really? Yes. Yes, he did. Yes. What?

He denied having anything done. Like, I went to have my nose fixed, but that was because something went wrong. And then he pretended to have a baby with somebody? Yeah. What was that about? Yeah, and the kids came out white. With Elvis' daughter? Did they say they had a baby with her? Well, no, no, no.

He didn't have a baby with her, but he had with this one woman. Supposedly, she was pregnant with his kids, and the kids came out totally white. Totally white. Completely white. Like, it's one of the weirdest things ever. And I guess you're supposed to, I don't know, what you're supposed to question. You're supposed to keep believing in them. I don't know.

The guy. Do you remember when he was going through that, when he was doing the interview in Vegas, and he was going through that, like, statue store? Yes. And he was like. I totally remember that. Well, you know, the fame is pretty nice. I'll have two of those, please.

Yeah. And this guy behind him is leering, just like, all right, that's $200,000. Yep, that one's $150,000 each. Yeah. He's just tattling it up. He just keeps going, yeah, doing the interview. Yeah. Order and shit, just walking through.

It was kind of like a cry for help, man. Sort of. That video was kind of like a cry for help. What did that kid say? This is that guy that's saying that Michael Jackson molested him when he was a kid, and now he's trying to get money out of the state. The state's saying, you waited too long.

Too bad. Oh, really? It's not his money anymore. It's our money. What do you think, though, man? There's also the possibility that he didn't molest kids. There's nothing I know about the world that would say that that's a realistic possibility. But, yeah, could it be that people are trying to take advantage of a guy that's just fucking really weird?

Yeah, maybe. And sad. That's the only way people aren't like at his door with pitchforks. Is there's a possibility. Well, he's dead. People just made it up. I don't think it'd be at his door today. No, no, no.

He died the weirdest death ever. Yeah. The guy was taking this, I mean, he's getting put under every night. That's how he's going to sleep. That's how he went to jail. Yeah. Yeah. Can you imagine?

Can you imagine you take it to the next level? Go to sleep? You're getting anesthetized. Tuck yourself in, man. You'll be okay. How about sleeping pills? It's not strong enough, bitch. I need something more.

I got nightmares. Well, I just think if you just, Michael, if you just lay your head down, just count sheep for a little bit, it could probably work. Well, that shows me you're not listening to me. I'm just saying, try it without the stuff. Yeah, he wasn't even willing to endure that. Nope, nope, we're not going to be staying up another night. Put me under. Anesthetize me.

And the doctor was so crazy, he just did it. He was getting paid so much. The doctor's just people. He talked them out every night. me and the doctor was so crazy he just did it he was getting paid so much he fucking doctors just honked him out every night oh but it would i guess that's super bad for you i guess you're not supposed to you're not supposed to anesthetize yourself every night it seems like uh that would be a no-brainer like do you sleep yeah so not really you're just out i'm yeah i've been put i wake more refreshed well isn't that like side effect of that particular type of anesthesia it's like that no no you uh you wake up and you feel refreshed it's like there's some sort of a

trick to it oh really after like 30 minutes i kind of remember reading that i should probably pull it up i think there was a particular type of anesthesia that he was into. When I got put out at Eddie Bravo's class, I felt so refreshed afterwards. That's different. Really? Yeah, you wake up and I was like, when he was like, you can get back in there. I was like, can I really? I just felt like, I felt like rested.

I felt like I didn't nap for 30 minutes. So his anesthesia, do you guys remember what it was called? No. What do you mean? The type they gave him to him? What? The anesthesia that they got him with. Okay, Propofol.

Oh, yeah. Propofol. Propofol. So we'll look up Propofol's benefits. Propofol. That's so scary. Yeah. Do it even once. I can't go to sleep. What else do you got? That's so scary Yeah Do it even once I can't go to sleep What else you got? That's so crazy

But I have a meeting at 10am We gotta go to sleep The idea that Someone could get that far gone They get that far gone Where they just need to be put out Do you think there were other doctors

Who were like Michael I can't do that Like get the fuck out of here I guess Until a guy doctor was like Alright I guess I'll do it. I guess this doctor thought he was going to be able to keep him alive. And if he kept him alive, he would be still pulling money out of Michael for a long time. I mean, that's the only reason why it makes any sense that anybody would agree to do this.

It's because they need money. Yeah. Or they want the money. I mean, there's a reason why it's not legal. It's not ethical. It's so I mean there's a reason why it's not legal. It's not ethical. It's scary It's scary that you can get a doctor to agree to just put you under every night Okay, good. Oh, it's so crazy. Oh Yeah, I'm trying to find the disadvantages this is the answer of going to sleep every night I might buy the gas

Yeah I'm just the disadvantages of using it. Yeah, let me hear them Disadvantages of going to sleep every night by the gas? Yeah. Just the disadvantages of using it. Yeah, let me hear them. It's just... By the way, I'll be in Chicago at Zany's this weekend. Powerful Chicago, Zany's. Small club. Cool place. Yeah, I've never been.

Supposed to be one of the best clubs in the country. I've never been either. Really? Yeah, it's supposed to be one of those small ones, yeah it's real small i think it's like less than 200 seats yeah i think it's jammed though i'm doing three shows on saturday and two shows on sunday love it i love chicago chicago's cool vibe ah the best there's something fantastic about that town i mean this is a mess right now as far as crime, especially with young urban kids, like the gang warfare. Really?

In Chicago? Yeah, it's horrible. Horrible gang fighting and murders. A lot. A lot of that going on. That's unpleasant. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of that shit going on.

It's got one of the highest murder rates in the country. Really? Mm-hmm. Oh. Yeah, when I was there. I barely ever played there. You never played there? I know. I have, but barely. Did you ever do it with me I just did it with you that's right fuck my ass that was like a week ago I forgot yeah it'll be all different material if you come

out with me and I'm not gonna repeat any of that stuff um there's um there's a type of person that comes from the midwest you know they're like they're like grounded genuine in the sort yeah there's sort of a genuine grounded quality like there's a lot of hard-working people a lot of people that have worked on farms a lot of people that have families that worked on farms people that came over here their relatives came over here a long ass time ago you know what i saw there? I saw, it was one of the early days I went there with you, and there was this, they put us in a VIP area, those nightclubs,

and some girl was flirting and then she came in and sat with us. I was like, yeah, sure, yes, come on in. And then as soon as she went in, some girl behind the rope bumped her, and she just gave her this look like, excuse me, you need to keep out of here. This is area right now she just took it over what do you she kicked a girl out of yeah she was like so confused she just got invited into some vip area

and then immediately started acting like she was better than everyone else so first time i saw that girl behavior oh i see where she was somehow the queen all of a sudden. Yeah. People can be cunty. That's not good. Yeah. I definitely explained that the least. You might be too hard to talk right now. That's possible. My tolerance went down in New York. Might want to slow your roll. Yeah.

The New York thing is a bummer, huh? Yeah. It's such a horrible way to live. For folks who don't know, all right? I mean, I'm not saying this like this is the way you have to live. I folks who don't know, I'm not saying this like this is the way you have to live. I'm just letting you know. In Los Angeles, it is unbelievably,

ridiculously easy to procure marijuana. You just pull over. It's essentially legal. It's essentially legal. If you have a medical license, it's legal. A medical license is just a poop to jump through. If you don't have a medical license, it's decriminalized. Right.

So that's one of the things that Arnold did when he left office. So as long as you're not smoking weed and driving like an asshole, it's pretty fucking legal. Yeah. I mean, you're doing it in the privacy of your own home. Cops don't give a shit. They don't give a shit. I had a cop in my window giving me a lecture about texting

with a half-smoked bowl in the middle. Yeah. And he's leaning in for like two minutes. They don't care. They don't care. What people are concerned with, especially police officers, is people that are fucking dangerous. That's what they're concerned with. If you see a guy texting, that's dangerous.

Oh, yeah. If you see a guy and his van looks like Cheech and Chong, that guy's probably driving really fucking slow. As the smoke leaves his cracked window. That guy's going to be, he's probably going to be really scared to merge. But other than that. In Maryland,

I couldn't figure, even with my friend, we wanted to smoke pot, but we couldn't do it at each other's parents' house. So we just got in the car. Yeah. We had no other options.

But then your car smells like weed. That's the problem. You've got to make that choice. You make that choice to smoke in your car, your car's always going to smell like weed.

No, just for like 10 minutes. Bullshit. Unless you close doors right when you finish smoking. You get one of those pot-smoking dogs, come there a month later, you're going, It smells like weed. I found weed in my car on the way to the airport this time that was in the center console for maybe a year or two.

I didn't try it yet. I was on the way to the airport. I always wonder if, I know edibles lose their potency. They do. Yeah, they go away. It goes away almost entirely. It gets to the point where they don't do anything. Oh.

But they only have a certain, Todd McCormick explained it to me once, but I don't remember. I gave Tony some weed that was in the back of my fridge for like three years once. I was like, if you want it, you can have it. And he goes, yeah, it got me high as fuck. Wow.

Yeah. Well, I guess maybe the dried plants, it's different than when you cook it. It's like the cooking aspect of it, I think, or the putting it into an edible form. Something about like- Spiciness goes away if you leave the top off too long. Does it really? Yeah. Like of what? If you like, let off too long does it really yeah like of what

if you like let's say you have a thing of like that um the red sauce not the sriracha sauce but the ones with all the seeds in them you ever see those oh yeah okay yeah i know what you're talking about if you take the top off that and just let it like oxygenate is that scientific goes away no really no it's just observation. Really? Yeah. Hmm. That's interesting. I don't know. You're the one who turned me on to that fucking shit. What is that stuff that you gave me? That bomb?

It's a bomb. Oh, it's so good. Oh, my God. It's a thing of spaghetti. He gave me this hot sauce that it looks like- So small. If you were like, it even has a nuclear warning sign on it. It has a little nuclear sign on it.

And it's such a small bottle. You're like, how horrific could this stuff possibly be? Everyone always like. It's such a small bottle. Like how are they so confident to sell me that much hot sauce? Is it just that one pepper? That whatever. The ghost pepper?

Yeah, ghost pepper. I don't know if it's ghost pepper. It might be the capsicum. Capsaicin. Capsaicin.saicin yeah well let's find out see the bomb d-a-b-o-m-b hot sauce habanero peppers yeah that's it no that's not it that's a different one there's a a death one there the black one there's the there's just a little tiny death one whatever the little tiny death one is that the little tiny death one is. That one? The final answer?

What is that? Is it bomb dropping in the middle? No. The bomb. Is that it? But literally three drops into a plate of spaghetti and marinara sauce. Three drops and then mix up the whole thing. Is that the same sauce?

It looks different. I guess they have a bunch of different flavors. That's what it is. There's a few different flavors. Okay. This is it. The bomb beyond insanity. That's it. This is the one. See this is it the bomb beyond insanity that's it this is the one see this one right here yeah that's it yeah well whatever whatever the fuck the name of this stuff is i could i got cocky and did you really yeah yeah i put like a half

a teaspoon of that shit in and i uh i took your suggestions i think it was, no, it was either spaghetti or it was chicken noodle soup from Jerry's Famous Deli. You took my suggestion and what, and doubled it? I took your suggestion and put it into spaghetti. Oh, okay, yeah. I put it in noodles. Actually, I'm pretty sure that it was the chicken noodle soup because I get that all the time. But holy fuck, I was in agony. I was like, this is the most ridiculous hot sauce of all time. It's got, I was in agony. I was like,

this is the most ridiculous hot sauce of all time. It's got a good flavor to it though. It does, but I went to war. Yeah. I went to war

with my body. Shit it out. It says habanero pepper enhanced with habanero infused flavor create a sauce measured at 119,700 Scoville units of heat. Wow.

Wicked beyond belief. To give you context, a jalapeno pepper is 2,500. That is insane. 119,700 Scoville units of heat. It's so hot. I did the same thing on a plate of spaghetti. I took like a whole teaspoon, ate one bite, fought on the ground for a while,

dumped the whole thing back into the whole tub of spaghetti, and then all that was hot. I didn't think that it was just habanero. It seemed so strong. I felt like it had to be more than habanero. There's voodoo in there. There's voodoo in there. I've had really good habanero sauce and real strong stuff, but it was nothing like that. That was so off the deep end.

So good. You ever have El Yucateca? Uh-huh. That's my shit. They sell that at the griddle. That's my shit. The Mexicans know how to make the best hot sauce, period, dude. Yeah.

Their habanero sauce, that El Yucateca, it's delicious. It's hot, but it's also really delicious. Like, I put a lot of that shit in my eggs, and it's got a lot of heat, but it's still, the taste is so good, you know? Yeah, a lot of people don't understand that. It's a lot of that shit on my eggs, and it's got a lot of heat, but still, the taste is so good. A lot of people don't understand that. It's a lot about the taste. It's the pain that goes with the good taste. Yeah, you don't want to just suffer like an asshole.

Do you ever get challenged when you put a bunch of hot sauce on something? People are like, drink this whole thing then. Drink this whole thing of Tabasco. You're like, I'm not trying to win a challenge. It's like your dad, if he catches you smoking a cigarette wants you to smoke the whole pack listen bitch i just want to try cigarettes you have to fucking stuff them in my face yeah smoke the whole pack you're about cvs what happened with cvs oh they're not going to sell

cigarettes not going to sell tobacco products it's weird that they did anyway or how they sell alcohol they sell alcohol and it's supposed to be a place to get medicine. Yeah, this is what I thought. For the longest time, I was blaming all these Philip Morris,

like, oh, they know it's addictive. They're still fucking putting it out there. But then you're like, oh, what about the people

selling it? They know too. They've read the stats. They're just making money off it. They could easily do what the CVS is doing. It's so weird. Especially in pharmacies.

Well, it's weird, man, because there's part of me That says hey I want to be able To buy cigarettes If I was an idiot

If I was an idiot And I decided to start Smoking cigarettes I'd want to be able To buy them I don't give a fuck If CVS sells them You know

If CVS wants to Keep selling them So right I get it if you don't Want to make them illegal But some health place Does not have to sell The fucking agents of death

That is kind of creepy That it's a CVS. Yeah. Think about it that way. Yeah, because they have tequila. They have alcohol. And then they have medicine on the next time. Yeah.

That just makes no sense at all. I mentioned on Twitter, all these people are like, oh, they still sell candy. They still do this. I'm like, guys, it's a good thing. It gives people less direct access, easy access to a harmful product. It's just good. And somebody's like, well, they're just going to get all this business from the insurance companies now. And it's like, yeah,

they should get rewarded. They should get rewarded? Yeah, when you do a good thing, it's nice when those people get rewarded. It doesn't make it bad. The idea that you could just sell things that you know

are going to kill people is pretty fucked up. Yeah, how are they not held liable? I mean, it's not even something that gets you... There's something about... There's a willingness when you decide you're going to drink. You know? Yeah.

Like, if we're at a comedy club, like, you want to do shots? All right, we're doing shots. There's this thing that happens when you decide that you're going to drink that is beneficial. There's camaraderie in it. There's, like, fun in it. Yeah. You know, there's happiness to it. There's some, there's camaraderie in it. There's like fun in it. You know, there's, there's happiness to it. There's a warmth.

If you're doing it right, you know, you can enjoy the experience of having a couple of drinks. But the experience of smoking cigarettes is just death. I mean, that's all it is. No, it's nice when you get in a good circle of people. It's so good. Yeah, but it's not changing your, your fucking state. I mean, it might be giving you a little bit of a stimulation, right? It gives you a stimulant sort of effect, right that's what they say it's a friendly thing that's

one that hurt me the most is not smoke when you see like for a start like a bunch of people just in a circle just all i'm like i want to be part of that right right yeah there's a thing people do like people like to do that with cigars like to sit around cigars and smoke with a bunch of guys yeah now it's really weird because all the comics are using these things so you just see circles of people using these fake Electronic hookahs. Well, those are better. What do you think man? Those are fucking better for you that shit is better for you than than cigarettes period This is great for me for it doesn't like for chain smoking or when I'm inside

It's like chain smokers thing. I would do I wouldn't even think about be like working and I'll be smoking put it out I'm like wait, where's my story put out like I'm smoking You know what I mean? So that's good for like the in-betweens and when I'm driving and traffic. I think Jay's been like a two-pack-a-day smoker for like years and years. And he's already, he's gone like 120 days just on those. Yeah, the good thing about this. They help people quit.

The good thing about this is besides like the blue cigarettes and like those little disposable nicotine ones, is those like you have, you don't get any kind of satisfaction from that. Oh, really? And this, you actually. That one looks too much though. It looks too big. Like you're calling attention to yourself. nicotine ones. You don't get any kind of satisfaction from that. Oh, really? That one looks too much, though. It looks too big. You're calling attention to yourself. You're calling attention to yourself.

What is that? It's a whole device. It's a bunch of smoke, though. It's curved to the top. It's not even straight on. No, no. You're angry. You're Joey Diaz. It's just too much attention.

It's just too big. Why is it too much attention? Because it's God. It's like, look at this thing I'm doing I'm doing something different everyone look is that what it is or is it is there any the ones that look the same size as I get that all right a blue goes off you mean like a oil in there blue cigs yeah the blue six yeah the difference is this battery lasts a long time and it has a lot of juice in it looks like a it does it looks like one of those things that they uh they put in your ear to look around

oh yeah it has a readout also it tells your temperature and it also tells you how many hits you've had and it also says like what your battery life really wow that is a trip let me see that thing and what's really cool is that they have these bars now in los angeles that are huge bars and they're like mixology bars so you go and you're like yeah i want cotton candy but pez and Let me see that thing. And what's really cool is that they have these bars now in Los Angeles that are huge bars. And they're like mixology bars. So you go in and you're like, yeah, I want cotton candy, but Pez? And they go, okay. Oh, and make it of those?

Yeah, and it's almost going to a bar. Okay, Ari, you're wrong. What? This thing's dope. Take a hit of it. You wear fanny packs. I'm looking at it. I do wear fanny packs.

I sell fanny packs. It's a funny kind of stuff. Do you really? I'm selling them now at Higher Primate. I got a beautiful one from roots with a higher primate logo on it with boots roots you know roots the company that makes bags they make leather bags yeah they made me one with a higher primate logo on it well i got it from dice dice came in and he had uh he had sweatpants on and these this fanny

pack and i'll go that's a beautiful fanny pack. I'm like, where'd you get that? He's like, oh, yeah, it's from Root. It's the best. And he showed me the fanny pack. And so I got the dice clay fanny pack. My fanny pack is a dice clay inspired. I just ordered some sweatpants online. I'm waiting to get them, and I'm just going to start wearing sweatpants.

No, you're not. Do not do that. No. Do it. Do it. Do it. I'm going to wear track suits. No, don't do that. They're comfortable. No, stop it not. Do not do that. There I am. No. No, do it, do it, do it. I'm going to wear track suits. No, don't do that. No, stop it. No, he's got to take them off. Why not? I agree with this. Why not?

They're comfortable. I'm not worried about that look. They have those new sweatpants too that look like pants. Have you seen these things? You cannot go out like that. That's ridiculous. You cannot go out like that. If you're wearing sweatpants, you've got to wear sweatpants.

You know, you're a fool. You can't put fucking racing stripes on a Cadillac. That's just stupid. Yeah, exactly. That's dumb. If you're going to wear sweatpants, they wear sweatpants. You know, that's, you're a fool. You can't put fucking racing stripes on a Cadillac. That's just stupid. Yeah, exactly. That's dumb. If you're going to wear sweatpants, they're sweatpants. Make them look like sweatpants.

If you have a crease in it, it makes it look like a tuxedo. I'm going to start wearing tracksuits. Please don't do that. Please do not. I cannot sit with you if you do that. You can.

You'll be fine. You'll be fine. I supported you through your cardigan days. I never said a word. I never shit on you for your fucking terrible dress habits. I never did.

How dare you say that you wouldn't support me for athletic wear? That's just preposterous. If you're doing athletics, I can see it. Well, I'm an athletic guy. I like to move around. You can just break out and do a roll at any moment. I need some clothes that don't hold me down. See, these are sweatpants, but they look like regular pants.

Oh, that's nice. I would wear those. See, look at that. I'd wear those, yeah. I actually would love to wear those. That actually that's nice. I would wear those. See, look at that. I'd wear those, yeah. I actually would love to wear those. That actually seems like something that I would wear every day. Those do not look like sweatpants. You're looking right at his cock, aren't you?

You can't help it. I looked at it. I looked at it for a full three or four seconds. This is Joe, and he's going to be wearing Cookie Monster sweatpants. That's me. Badger soft and pajamas. It's beautiful. It'll be covered with cat hair.

Show you how much of a bait I am. I'm all for the track suits. I think they need to make a comeback. I hate wearing jeans. I hate wearing jeans. They need to be soft. We're so concerned with what kind of clothes we wear. People who are really into style, they're always annoying.

They're almost always annoying when they start talking to you about, this is Gucci, this is Fendi, this is a Ralph Lauren. My artist friend told me that all these older artists, now they're getting a little successful, and they have sleeves, but they're like, oh, I only wear these type of shoes. There's nothing wrong with being into clothes. There's nothing wrong with enjoying. I think clothes are artwork. Don't get me wrong. work. Don't get me wrong.

But there's people that are like really like obsessively into style and like kind of snobbish about it. That's like a weird thing to give a fuck about. You give a fuck that this guy has paint on his pants. Like if you and I are hanging out and you have paint on your pants, I could give zero fucks. Is that like a better thing? Whatever you want. No, I'm just saying if you

choose to wear a type of shoe or you choose to wear, like I make fun of Callum's shoes all the time. In Portland you can wear anything you want. You should be able to wear anything you want everywhere. you choose to wear like i make fun of callum's shoes all the time portland you can wear anything you want you should be able to wear anything you want everywhere but someone who's like into like rigid style like oh that's out of style that's out of style says fucking who i don't know says fucking who you tell me what the hell board decides what's in style and not in style wear whatever the fuck want. If you want to wear some sweatpants, wear some fucking sweatpants. And anyone who cares is an idiot.

You fool. You care that that guy's walking around in sweatpants? Why do you give a fuck? Why would anybody care even slightly that someone's walking around wearing sweatpants? In the office? In the boardroom? What do you give a fuck?

You have to wear that weird stupid outfit that you wear with these stiff corners these sharp edges and a tie around your neck enough and cuff links that are so fucking stupid you have to stick some metal extraneous pieces in there and tighten up better without to have links because your collar folds over. Get the fuck out of here. That's ridiculous. With your shiny, stupid, hard-soled shoes. Why do you have wood in your shoes? The bottom of your shoe is wood?

Really? There's wood in your shoe? What is it, fucking 1812? Are you living in Denmark? You have clogs on, you fuckhead? It's ridiculous. Why would you have leather, shiny leather on the bottom of your toes? Do you know how slippery and stupid that is?

It's got scuffing it all. What's with the tassels, you fucking halfwit? You like tassels in the front of your shoes, you idiot? I don't like that. Man tassels. What is that, extra fancy, you fucking tard? They're leather tassels. It's so childish and silly and ancient and retarded. and dum-de-dum-de-dum.

Who cares how you dress? You know, I just saw Summer Long in New York. I would put on flip-flops, shorts, no shirt, and just get high and walk around. Isn't it, is that cool to walk around with no shirt? No. It's not? No, I mean, it's allowed, but even homeless people don't do it. But it's not illegal? Uh-uh. Hmm. I mean, it's allowed, but even homeless people don't do it. But it's not illegal?

Uh-uh. What about women, then? Can women walk around topless? I know that's been fought for, right? In Columbus, Ohio, you can. Portland, you can be topless. I got these little tassels. Yeah, these tassels. Oh my god. That's a style, man.

It's tassels on top of tassels. It looks like a saddle. Oh my god. You need ayahuasca. If you wear tassels on top of tassels. It looks like a saddle. Oh, my God. You need ayahuasca. If you wear tassels in your shoes, you need ayahuasca. I've had shoes like that. Mother ayahuasca to take you away. Have you ever done that stuff? Ayahuasca?

Yeah. Still have not. Me neither. It's a more prolonged version of a DMT trip that apparently doesn't quite get to that DMT flash level. Really? But it gives you sort of this weird spiritual insight thing that you don't necessarily get with DMT. That's the way it's been described to me, but my friends have done it. It's hard.

When you're trying to relay experiences um everybody's is very different so like if you haven't personally experienced it it's hard to trying to put into context what they're saying like how they're describing something you really have to experience the words so one of these days i'll have to do it but um the dmt flash everybody that i've talked to or i've tried to like piece together what they say about their experiences. Yeah. It all seems like we're all talking about a similar place. But it's hard to, it's so wacky that it's hard to put into like any context in the real world. So the words that you use are all the wrong words.

That's what I'm talking about, talking about God and the voice of God. Like there's no voice. It's not like that. There's no arm of words. That's what I'm talking about, talking about God and the voice of God. Like, there's no voice. It's not like that. There's no arm of God. There's nothing that we can comprehend. If this is, if it isn't, you know, when you do that, if it isn't you actually communicating with something, if it's all happening inside your head and it's all imaginary,

God damn, your brain has some untapped potential. Oh, yeah, probably. Because if that's in there, if that really is just our collective minds Oh, yeah, wow, you know, what an incredible potential the human mind has just on its own that just we get to every now and again. And it puts on this bizarre show of this godlike quality, like this perfect, idealistic, utopian, loving thought process that hits you when you're on that stuff. Like, of course people think it's God. I mean, maybe it is God and maybe what God is, is human potential.

It's, it's greatest heights. That's just what God really is. Yeah. It's just a concept. And maybe we're just getting, you know, too much of it.

When you have a psychedelic experience, there's too much, whatever the fuck, you know, that you're tapping into that gives you insights. I've seen it once, but I've never done it i watched one no the other stuff dmt yeah well i'm sure we can make that happen if you were uh willing to uh sign a few pieces of paper for the government

and participate in the study you should get in on the rick strassman studies what's the he's doing it again what's he do um he's the guy thatassman studies. What's the Rick Strassman studies? He's doing it again. What's he do? He's the guy that wrote that book, DMT, the spirit molecule. He was the first guy that was able to secure federal funding. Funding for his research? Yeah. He's got a license to be able to do it. I don't know if they funded it or if they allowed him to do it, but they allowed him to do intravenous DMT injections. Intravenous?

Yeah. The book's called DMT, the spirit Molecule, and it's a fantastic book. It's really interesting. He's a scientist, and he's a – Strassman's a – I would donate my body to science for that. He's a brilliant, brilliant guy, but he's also like a really cool guy. And he's really nice. He's a really like nice person.

And when you hear about his relaying of these people's experiences, the way he set everything up, and his willingness to track this idea down and try to see what it really is all about is really courageous. For a doctor to do that, you can get in some weird

situations where people think you're a kook. But he's dealing with a real chemical. Yeah. They can't get funding to study mushrooms they're starting maps is starting to break some boundaries on that they're starting to uh to make some headway really you know yeah there was a john hopkins university study on psilocybin um maps is the something multidisciplinary psychedelic studies i don't know what the actual uh acronym how it works but it's um the probably the number one group as far as like really intelligently debating and promoting psychedelics oh wow and the study of psychedelics all brilliant brilliant guys um

you know we had rick doblan who's one of the guys uh from maps one of the head guys we had him on the podcast and guy couldn't have been cooler. I told my suburban friend to take mushrooms. Did you? She's about to turn 40. Whoa. Why are you trying to freak her out? She's listening to fucking Burbs.

She was like, I don't know. I'm just like, yeah. I told her, do it. Do it with your husband. Tell her to take mushrooms and listen to that U2 song. Actually, watch it. Watch it in the U2 video. The one from Kimmel.

The one from Fallon. From Fallon. Fallon, yeah. Yeah. Do you think when you get through a certain age, though, that it might be too scary to recommend somebody to the doctor?

You sure you don't have herpes? I'm going to take a hit of that. She said, I'll be scared. I'm like, yeah, of course you'll be scared. Yeah, but I mean, when you get to a certain age,

you kind of also have that like, I'm going to die. No. Oh, God. It's a big hit. What kind of flavor is this? That's grape mixed with a little bit of

pina colada. You're a fucking child of You're a fucking child Pina Colada You're a black child I didn't get anything Yeah, you have to hold the button the whole time You can kind of like Puff on it almost

That's kind of the way to do it best How'd you get the death squad symbol in there? It's sticker fitted Oh, nice That's hilarious But you know, when when you're older, you kind of have like in the back of your head

like, oh, you know, what if I'm having a heart attack because I'm 40? You know, like, because I want to recommend it to somebody that's never done it the same way,

but I... Just tell them, like, that's a ridiculous notion. She's never done anything like that before. Yeah, tell her. You know what, man? You should let people

do what they want to do. If they want to live their whole life and never do mushrooms, you should let them. I'm not going to force them to do it. I'm not going to advise them. You shouldn't even bring it up. No, no.

Disagree. Absolutely bring it up. You think you should offer it up? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Well, I think if you want to fuck her, you should. No.

Even if I don't. I advise my male friends, too. I try to get them to do it. Do you really? Yeah. Yeah. Not with me. The last thing I want to do if I'm going to try to do it. Do you really? Yeah. Yeah. Not with me. The last thing I want to do

if I'm going to try to fuck a girl is do mushrooms with them. Really? Yeah. Makes it weird. And what if you freak out in front of her and you ruin all chances for life? Yeah, then I'll feel like I can't

and then I'll feel like held down. Nah, no way. That's awesome. Uh-uh. Yeah, I think anything you do, whether it's mushrooms or smoke pot i was having a conversation with a buddy of mine last night about a friend of ours and we were talking about like how this dude could benefit from weed yeah like this is why he does this because he doesn't smoke pot so he's not he's not he doesn't have that paranoid introspective thing that you get when

you smoke weed we start really examining yourself. Yeah. You know, and uncomfortable lights. People, a lot of people don't smoke weed who need to. That's like the quality that they're lacking. So they have like this hubris. So they can keep pushing forward. No, you really do.

They keep pushing forward without considering, you know, how they come off to other people. They just keep pushing forward. Yeah. They have this hubris. You're like, come on, man. Just smoke this and stop and think about yourself for a second. People get caught up also. You get caught up in going in a certain direction. Like, did you see Wolf of Wall Street?

No, not yet. Good. Yeah. It's good. Yeah. I really enjoyed it. It's really good. You know, a lot of people say that Martin Scorsese, like, his movies are kind of like formulaic.

Yeah. But I say those people can go fuck themselves because uh what he does is he knows he knows how to do it man i should i'm sorry so good with words he for my next 1500 words that i don't need here's a picture boom um he just knows how to make a movie that like it's different like he'll do things like like there's a part when Leonardo DiCaprio like you know everyone's moving

and talking and they just stop talking but there's no sound coming out but he's walking towards the camera and looking at you essentially completely cut out the sound of all the other people and he's talking to you it's like these weird little things that he does like there's the chaos of the trading room floor and as leonardo dicaprio walks through it it's there's no sound just him talking he's explaining his life and the director does yeah he's saying

something about something he's just dope he's just dope martin scorsese is just a master he's just a he had this shot in um uh taxi driver where it's when you see a guy walking towards the camera, a character walking towards the camera, and then you see another angle cut right from there to a camera moving towards something. That's the point of view of the guy we just saw. Right. So then they start having him pan across. That view starts panning across the taxi place all the way around and around, then it then it puts De Niro in the shot it was supposed to be his point of view

and all of a sudden he's in it and he just does stuff like that yeah this shooting is just as crazy as this character is

yeah yeah yeah it gives you that deeper shit gets you feeling loopy yeah there's just there's such an art to filmmaking

you know I don't have any desire to ever do it no seems like a lot of work. Oh, my God. It seems like so much work. But I appreciate the shit out of it.

You know, I really, really appreciate someone who's really good at it, someone who just really knows how to make a movie that you go to see and you go, fucking A. That's a good guy. American Hustle's a good goddamn fucking movie. That's pretty good. That's a good fucking movie, man. That is a good fucking movie, man. That is a good fucking movie, man.

Christian Bale is such a bad motherfucker. Yeah, he's pretty good at everything. God damn, he's good. Yeah. Do you ever see

The Machinist? And those women were fucking fantastic, too. The chick from The Hunger Games. Oh, yeah. The red-headed chick. God damn.

Fantastic. Did you see it, Brian? What a movie. Bradley Cooper was awesome. You haven't seen it yet? I don't see movies unless? What a movie Bradley Cooper was awesome You haven't seen it yet? I don't see movies Unless I have a girlfriend I just never think about it

Yeah I know what you mean Ladies You hear that cry for help? Don't let another season go by Without Brian Redband Finding a girlfriend Next I live a totally different life

When I'm in a relationship Of course When I'm in a relationship I don't do shit I don't watch TV I don't watch movies What do you do? Play with relationship, I don't do shit. I don't watch TV. I don't watch movies. I don't play with dogs. You just don't do anything?

Furious masturbation from the jump. The alarm clock goes off. The lube gets squirted. And we begin the race. That's what it was. Could be. How many times you can masturbate in a day? What do you think you can get to?

Probably like three or four. So orgasm. No many times you can macerate in a day? What do you think you can get to? Probably like three or four. So orgasm. No, you could do more than that in a day. You started right away. Highest is about five or six for me, I would say. You can get to seven to ten, I think. Yeah, but by the end, what the fuck? What kind of madness?

It's mostly just liquid. I would be afraid of that madness filling my head with seeds. What do you mean? If I beat off seven times in a day, with the things that I need to think of in order to come after times five and six, the madness, the fucking crazy savage genes that I have to tap into to get my last load off. Start off slow to give yourself more room. I don't want those thoughts.

Start off by smelling your wife's pillow. I don't want those thoughts, Ari. And then move up from there. I don't want those thoughts. Start off by smelling your wife's pillow. I don't want those thoughts, Ari. And then move up from there. I don't want those thoughts. I don't want to hit cum number seven. That's a person I don't like. It would start to hurt, but you have to keep going. I don't like that person.

I'm just going to fucking figure out how to cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum. Nothing about dead cats. I'm going to fucking fuck the world. I'm going gonna get these fucking loads out of the last you go from being sensual to being a

violent release of soldiers that's how you orgasm thinking about just an angry release of demon soldiers flying out of your dick

fight those boner pills make me masturbate a lot more really I'm sure what do you take them and strike out and then you're like oh well no they just last with this boner they last me masturbate a lot more. Really? I'm sure. What, do you take them and strike out?

And then you're like, oh, well. No, they just last for like 24 to 48 hours. Have you ever looked up what happens if you take that stuff a lot? Nope. You never even looked into it, huh? No, I get pretty nervous, though. I went off Propecia, ProScar, whatever it was. You should be off that stuff. I read a? ProScar, whatever it was. You should be off that stuff.

I read a bunch of side effects, and it was like depression, all stuff that maybe, I don't know, I think maybe stuff was caused by that. I think. That hair shit? Yeah. I had a bad reaction to that stuff. It killed my boners. You have boneritis in there, too. It killed my boners, and it also made me more tired.

Oh, really? Like when I would work out, I didn't have as much endurance. When I got off of it, my boners came back with a vengeance, and I felt like I had more energy training. And I was like, man, I wonder if that's affecting me in an extreme way. Like everybody has like a different reaction. It changes the way it processes testosterone. Yeah, dihydrotestosterone.

You see, everybody has a different body's reaction. It's so weird. You know, like some people, they're allergic to certain types of antibiotics or they're allergic to penicillin or they're allergic to, you know, people get weird rolls of the dice with your bodies. It might be that my body didn't react to it very well. But I know I have a buddy who's on it. He has no problems with it at all.

He's been taking that shit for like 10 years. Probably most people don't. Yeah, for me it was a problem. But I didn't realize it was a problem until after I stopped taking it. When I stopped taking it, I ran out of it. And all of a sudden my dick was like woken up from a coma. Yeah, I'll just commit to going bald. Just shave your head, man.

Hello. You looked great when you shaved your head. No, I did not. Here we go. Yeah, you did. I did not like to shave your head, man Hello You look great when you shaved your head No, I did not Here we go Yeah, you did I did not like the shaved head You don't have to But I'm telling you

You look great with a shaved head We're all going to have shaved heads in five years Listen There's a reason why the monks did it It's an I don't give a fuck move I mean, I was For me, it was a matter of aesthetics My hair was getting so gross

It got down to the point where You shouldn't keep getting haircuts if every time you get your hair cut, your hair still looks like shit. Yeah. It's like, what am I paying you for? Shop all this shit off. But now that I've done it, I would have done it a long-ass time ago. It's the easiest way to deal with it.

You've got a round head. Yeah, it works. I've got a good head for being bald. But getting your hair haircut is so annoying. Having to schedule that time out of your day and sit down and listen to some nonsense. I had a cool hairdresser for a long time, my friend Gabriella. Hairdresser? She was a hairdresser from the news radio days.

Really? Yeah, she's really cool. Cool Italian lady from New York. We've been friends for a long time. So I used to actually enjoy, she probably kept me from cutting my hair off for a long time

just because I enjoyed hanging out with her. I'd go to see her like once a month. They're the coolest ones, man, on a shoot. The wardrobe stylist,

the wardrobe and the hair stylist are the only cool ones. She's funny. She's a funny New York like hard ass cool lady. The makeup people always hate me

because of you, Joe, because you always had that rule of like, I never put makeup on like on TV shows and stuff. And so about twice I've had to say, no, no makeup.

I don't do that. And they're like, what are you talking about? You have to. And I'm like, no. You don't have to. They tried to get me the other day

when I was doing Fox Sports 1. I go, nope. No, I got it. We're just going to put a little powder on. I'm like, no. No, that's all right, though. Like, this is what I look like.

Yeah. This is exactly what I look like. That's what they said. Let's go play games and pretend I look different than I look That's crazy Like you're gonna smooth my skin out What are you gonna do? I let them do what they want to do

You gonna light me funny and soft like I'm an angel? What are you gonna do? What the fuck are you doing? An uplighting This is, look man No one's perfect This is what I look like What do you look like?

Hi Hi, let's talk now Fucking relax You don't have to put makeup on people She got mad though She got upset Like look, this is my job If You don't have to put makeup on people. She got mad, though. She got upset. Like, look, this is my job. If you don't get makeup, they're going to stop hiring me.

You know what? People are still going to want makeup. So there's nothing wrong with makeup. I wore makeup every day when I was on news radio. Really? Yeah, every time we filmed, they put makeup on me. Yeah. They just want to do it.

And I couldn't say no then. You know, who was I? Anything I did to be a dick, I was totally replaceable. I was totally replaceable. Did you replace Ray Romano on that show? Yeah. I actually replaced the guy who replaced Ray Romano. So Ray Romano was booked for the pilot, but they didn't shoot the pilot with Ray Romano?

No. This is what happened. Ray Romano was booked for the pilot, and he was working, but they decided somewhere in the middle of Ray's thing. They weren't happy with what's happening. I don't know if they weren't happy with him or they decided to go a different way with the character and he was right for their original idea. Kevin Christie did a show with the same thing where it's like sometimes it's just last minute

like we got to make a switch. You, you're out. Let's get a new person in there. In the beginning when they're coming up with ideas and they're throwing the ideas around for a pilot, it's not uncommon for them to change a character. They decide they need a different dynamic they have all these different dynamics and ray was more of a laid-back sort of a dynamic like that's who he is you know wow when you see him on the show you know yeah he's like a laid-back sort of a guy and i think they wanted someone who's a

little aggressive someone who's an idiot who's like a male idiot that was going to do aggressive stupid shit that leaves room for funny so i got lucky it was like i came along after ray was replaced by uh another guy who's an actor for the guy he was in the pilot the other guy was in the pilot he didn't think he had a job full-time job i don't know what he thought i don't know i don't know uh if maybe he was with another person guy yeah maybe if he was really good they would have kept him or maybe if he was what they were looking for they would have kept him. Or maybe if he was what they were looking for, they would have kept him. So then they did. You know what's the funny thing about the audition?

Yeah. Is that the first stuff that they wrote, it was really interesting because it wasn't that funny. It was like more like matter of factly or it was more like setting up a character. You know, it was like there was no. The jokes in them were very subtle. It was like a behavior sort of a piece. And a lot of guys like totally like tried to overdo it and try to make it like really funny.

It just wasn't really funny. And they were saying they did that. The writers did that because they wanted to make sure that no one would try to ham it up. Oh, really? Like if it's funny, it's funny. You know, like say it to make it funny. Like you know how to say it to make sure that no one would try to ham it up. Oh, really? Like, if it's funny, it's funny. You know, like, say it to make it funny. Like, you know how to say it to make it funny or not.

But if it's not funny, don't pretend it is. You can't... Everything doesn't have to be a joke. Like, some things are not a joke, and some things are a joke just because you're creating a character. Like, you know that character, so when the character does, like, typical things, like, that character would.

It was like a joke of recognition. Right. You know? Yeah. So then the second time i came in for the second i want to say a penny on the ground near barris's feet i'll always go pick it up yeah i won't call i'll just pick it up and like put it in my pocket and let him go like oh my god i just saw it well you guys have like routines yeah i'm saying we have that go-to things. Based on what you know already. But the second time I went in for the audition, they wrote something really funny. I was like, whoa, this is hilarious.

It was really good stuff. So then they had narrowed it down to a group of people that they thought were not going to ham it up. Yeah. And then they gave the smallest group, the remaining group, shit to be funny with. Oh, right. So they were super, super intelligent guys. Who else was close for it? I don't know. I didn't know those guys.

Oh. There was just a couple guys. But I remember there, there's one thing that gives you confidence. It's to see other people falling apart sometimes. Who did you see fall apart? The guy who was auditioning, one of the guys who was waiting to audition. How did he fall apart? What did he do? he was visibly sweaty.

Like, he was sweaty. Like, sweat was dripping down his head. Really? And he was going over the lines in this, like, really weird, like, frantic way.

Like, he was, like, kind of mouthing the lines while he was sitting there, but it was like, he was falling apart. He was like, no, shit, fuck. What, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was something he was doing that, but it was like, he was falling apart. He was like, no, shit, fuck. What, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was something he was doing that gave me massive confidence. And I remember thinking, oh, if I just got to audition, this guy's going to fall apart. One down. I guess, you know, he's probably one of those guys that had been in Hollywood.

Like, look, when you're coming out here and you try and audition for shows, it's totally a crapshoot. You could get super lucky on the very first show you get cast and all of a sudden you're on a television show it probably helps that you don't know if it's early where you don't really know the stakes yeah maybe it does but it also helps if you just get lucky and you are what they're looking for yeah but you could also be here for 20 years and never get cast and shit that's that's possible too yeah especially if

you have the wrong look or the wrong you know whatever you always used to say everybody in this town three auditions away from being a being a star yeah three auditions away yeah yeah everybody every single person yeah i mean look there's some fucking really untalented people on television right now that are stars stars of reality shows i mean really untalented people are you really gonna chew into the microphone you motherfucker roseanne was out here for what a week or a day and she got you know passed at the comedy store and then she got a tv show like quickly thereafter roseanne yeah she had a crazy ride she was in uh denver she started out in denver oh yeah she got really good in denver that's a credit for her

yeah by the time she came well you know what man um there's a there's a kind of an attitude that uh denver people have there's like they're friendly folks but you know there's there's a hard edge to that place i mean they're in the rocky mountains they have bears and shit there you know it's like it's a crazy place to live. Living in Colorado is a little nutty. They tolerate a little more hardiness. You know what I mean? And so Roseanne, coming out of there and then going to the comedy store, she had already built up this act in this cool, smart, hard-edged town in Denver.

There's people dealing with the fucking elements every day. And then from there, she's in L.A., and dealing with the fucking elements every day. Yeah. And then from there, she's in LA and there's no comics like her. No, she's talking about what it's like to be a housewife. Normal. Killing, too.

Killing. She's probably hard to follow. Oh, you could never follow her, man. Yeah. Do you remember people that have a, I mean, dude,

if folks who weren't alive when Roseanne Barr first hit, she's like. Her voice annoyed me, but then I gave it another shot a few years later. I was like, oh, this show's pretty good. She's a great comic. You think so? Yes. Yeah.

Especially back in the day. Especially when she first made it. She, to me, is one of the most influential comedians ever. Really? Yep. Because for women, there had never been a woman like her before. She's the Kinison version of a woman. There had never been a woman like her before. She's the Kinison version of a woman. There had never been a woman like that before.

I wish she had like 30 minutes, though. I don't know, man. She did more than one special. I mean, she didn't maintain that level of stand-up. You know, once she became super famous and had the TV show. It was good for the attitude of like, no, this is just who I am. I'm not trying to be anything. She was badass, dude.

Before she got her television show, when she was just doing stand-up, she was badass. There was no women like her before. She was a total new thing. She was an overweight white woman who didn't give a fuck. Didn't give a fuck. And she had kids. And she didn't give a fuck. She sent Mitzi a black rose.

A dead rose. Yeah. Why'd she do that? She wanted to send a message. I don't know. A message? They fought with each other. Black roses are the rarest don't know. A message? They fought with each other. Oh, God, that's hilarious.

Black roses are the rarest of all roses. Black roses? Well, it's a nice thing to send, then. Yeah. Unless it's voodoo attached. Oh, maybe it is. She might have some voodoo on it. Roseanne believes in a lot of wacky shit.

She's out there sometimes. Oh, dude, she's so out there. She's like Area 51 out there. She won't touch hands, too. She's one of those. Really? Very rarely will touch hands. She touched my hand.

Oh, wow. Congratulations. Thank you very much. I feel pretty good about it. She's one of those. Really? Very rarely will touch your hands. She touched my hand. Oh, wow. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I feel pretty good about it. Don't get mad at me. Why not?

Why not? You haven't even met her, bro. I did meet her, and she wouldn't shake my hand. For real? Yeah. Alan Stevens introduced me to her in a fucking office building. What on the street? Wow.

That's sad. I'm sorry. It's all right. I was just thinking, like, that's not acceptable to say I don't shake hands. Just don't do that. Well, what about people that are like crazy ADD

and worried about diseases? What do those people do if they're not famous? Obsessive compulsive. Do they just die? I don't know, man. I mean, you can't do that at the plant.

Right. You can't, no one's going to accept that. At the plant, everybody's in the Flintstones working at the fucking plant. Oh, I don't shake hands what what do you no way yeah why why is that allowed right why yeah i think it has to be like it's a movie star thing yeah it's a fame thing how are cues well i think we're i was saying i think we think we're uniquely fortunate in being standup comedians.

They were forced to look at ourselves all the time. And I think if you, you want to think about someone who gets pushed into these weird boxes of, of power, you know, power, that's sort of unnatural, you know, power that like really like doesn't exist anywhere in the, in the, the, the natural world where someone is like more famous than other people so everyone around them like is like terrified of them and so they what they do is they just have these situations where they you know have a show and throw soda at the fucking guy who's running the show or they were talking about one of those Grace Under Fire, Brett Butler, apparently threw a Coke in the face

of the dude who was doing Grace Under Fire. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And fucking swore at him and said some nasty shit to him. And then they canceled the show. Oh, yeah. She was like, I'm too big for this. It's almost like it's total unnatural behavior

to have this one person like Brett Butler. Lack of repercussions. Yeah, and being so famous. And without thinking about yourself all the time, without examining, it must be a weird, weird, weird place to be. You know what it is? Hecklers. 75% of hecklers are cute women. Cute to above women.

Trying to get some arch feared dick. No, just trying to like they've never been told to shut up because they're too pretty. There's a little of that. There's a little confusion. So they don't know, they're like, this has nothing to do with you. Be quiet. Well, people get confused and think that because you're talking, they should be able to talk too. Yeah.

Wait a minute. You just can't talk. You can't just be talking. No, no, no, no, no. I don't agree with him. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. I'm going to say something. Excuse me.

No, it's not cool. No, it's not okay. I kicked a girl out of Calgary. She wrote letters to every one of the clubs I was booked at for the next, like, 15 weeks. Are you serious? Yeah. Saying what a horrible person I am and how she didn't do anything. What happened?

I threw her out for being horrible. She was talking all through the first guy, and then I started, and I was like, hey, stop, stop. I saw you talking for 30 straight minutes. You've got to be quiet. We're not going to do that. And then they were like, all right. They did one more thing. I told them to be quiet again, and then I heard her go, next subject.

And I was like, get out. Just go. Get out of here. Front seats. We've got extra ones. I just had to throw out my first person on a thunderpuss the other day for the same thing. The girl was talking the whole time.

The boyfriend would not shut her up. Yeah, the boyfriend doesn't shut her up. He's just happy to be getting some. You can't shut a girl up. You either ask her

to be quiet or you ask her to leave with you or you leave her there. Or you leave her there, yeah. You can't shut her up, man. That shit never works. Yeah.

Especially like a really mouthy woman. Yeah. It's really like that's what she likes to do yeah some people like some people like

hold back all week long and then they like to get drunk get drunk you get fighty get crazy yeah get fucking aggressive yeah it ruined my whole

entire set because she was just fucking sitting there the whole time and I'm just like alright I couldn't take it anymore it happens man

it happens it happens all the time yeah it's weird you know it's the enemy of comedy sometimes but then sometimes it's fucking hilarious I'm just like, all right, I couldn't take it anymore. It happens, man. It happens. It happens all the time. Yeah. It's weird. It's the enemy of comedy sometimes, but then sometimes it's fucking hilarious. Sometimes it turns out to be something funny. We also have the advantage that we were Comedy Store comics. There was no crowd control.

None. None. Zero. People would say, I would do a show and someone would heckle, and it would go so well, people would say, was that planned? Was that guy a plant? I'm like, no. Where'd you come up with all that stuff?

When you start out at the comedy store, you go to war every week. Not only is it not police, even when you come off and there's been a horrible heckle the whole time, no one then goes to the door guy and goes, oh, you should throw somebody out. They just moan about it in the back to themselves. Yeah.

Fucking ass. And then the next guy deals with it. The guy after that deals with it. And nobody says something. Yeah. It something yeah it's hilarious guilty of it too that place was the worst yeah there's no place i always thought that people were like you tore him out if he was talking to the mayor but not for me there's also an extra douchiness to that place because it's in hollywood and it's a famous iconic. So you would get these people that were like, there's an extra level of douche that you get from people that are in show business that are douches

or trying to make it in show business. There's a lot of people that give attempts at show business and they're really insane. And it doesn't go well for them. And so if they'll be at a comedy club and they'll see someone doing something and they decide in their insane head i'm still good not only that this guy ain't shit and i'm better than him i could be funnier than him like i've heard people it's like you're a mattress

salesman i've heard you don't do this anymore i've heard people that could be a comic or it could be an actor in their mind yeah but it's just this extra douchiness of people that are out here you know what i mean it's like it's not an unchecked douchiness that you don't find that often in the East Coast. It's a different kind of douchiness. Yeah, unchecked. What the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, nobody like, they don't have friends. They don't have people that go, shut the fuck up.

They have drunk hecklers in Boston though. It's a different kind of drunk heckler. Yeah, it is. It's like out of control drunk. They're savages. Yeah. They're just like. They're not even making, they're all blacked out already.

They're the descendants of wild savages that came over here on boats before there were movies. I mean, just stop and think about that. They didn't know what the fuck was over here. These people are crazy. The genetics of the first Irish that came to America, maniacs. Who would get on the boat and survive it? Who the fuck would do that? Hey, we're thinking about going on a boat to a place that we can't really describe

because we don't have any photos or anything because they haven't invented cameras yet, but it'll take a few months. Because they haven't invented cameras yet. It'll take a few months and hopefully we won't die of starvation. And by the time we get there, I mean, hopefully the savages won't eat your babies. They won't shoot arrows into us. By hopefully, I mean they will. They will eat a lot of your babies. No, hopefully they won't. You like your babies. You don't want them to get eaten.

Otherwise, you can't spread your seed across the country. Wait, so why did we make enemies with the Indians? Why did they attack and just steal the women and stuff? Listen, everybody that lands in a country and invades a country is an attacker. You might not think of yourself as an attacker. You think of yourself as a colonist. But you're an attacker if you run into people that were already there it's just that simple yeah you know and you can say well hey you know we they should make room for us to okay maybe well maybe they don't want to because

yeah and if you show any aggression to them and you're taking food out of their children's mouths we gotta get these things out of here yeah and then there was also the fucking treaties that were broken and all the horrific crimes. Here's some smallpox blankets for you. Oh, yeah. All the horrific crimes that were perpetrated on the American Indian. I mean, God, you start and hear those stories and think about it. And you hear about the slaughters and the fucking mass genocide and just the numbers.

Yeah. You know what? Australia, they're respectful of the Aboriginal people. Yeah. If one Aboriginal kills another one, the white people don't deal with it. Really? Like, you guys, it's on you to deal with this. You know what freaked me out when I was there?

Because they had their own justice system. What freaked me out when I was there was they were telling me about during the 50s, I guess it was. Yeah. Where they had this concerted effort they decided to take aboriginal children from their parents steal them and raise them in the white world oh like to to help them to benefit them so so oh it's so crazy and dark oh but the idea was that they were going to try to civilize these people and the only way to do it would be to take their fucking kids like that was a real plan that was they were going to try to civilize these people, and the only way to do it would be to take their fucking kids. Like, that was a real plan.

We're going to evolve them. Yeah, man. They took their kids. Oh, wow. They took their kids because they believed that their culture was better. So much better. That's so crazy. You're an idiot if you don't think so.

That's so crazy. That's so crazy that people could take people's children. Yeah. That's so crazy that people could take people's children. Yeah. That's so crazy. And, you know, apparently, like, they have a lot of the same issues that American Indians have with alcohol problems in their communities. Aboriginals.

Yeah. Aborigines. Yeah, the Native Americans, apparently it's a genetic issue with a lot of them that they don't have ancestors. Yeah, their ancestors didn't develop the tolerance and they weren't accustomed to alcohol the way like Europeans were. So apparently Aboriginal people in Australia had a similar problem. So a lot of them, there's a lot of alcoholism, a lot of real problems with, I don't know if they ever had alcohol before, but they probably didn't have the shit that we have.

Even if they had their own alcohol, if they, they didn't know if they ever had alcohol before, but they probably didn't have the shit that we have. Even if they had their own alcohol, they didn't have wild turkey. They didn't have any crazy tequilas. They didn't have some shit. Yeah, maybe they had some mead. Yeah. They might have had some fermented berry juice that kind of gets you high. If you leave it out, it chases off the flies. Yeah.

But they were so arrogant that they thought it was okay to take their kids. Wow. That's so mean. It's horrible. Pulling a kid away from a mom. Horrifying, terrifying, the ugliest aspects of humanity. Yeah. You know what I started to think recently?

What? So I thought about Philip Morris. The tobacco company. And you think of their evil people trying to addict you even though they know it's already like bad for you. But they're not evil people. They're just people that had a job there that are doing that stuff. They're not these like all old men. They're just people who got a job and now they're still doing that job.

Yeah. Even though they know it's terrible. Sort of. Someone has to make the decision to sell cigarettes. Yeah. You could easily just say, oh, I'm not going to take this job. I think cigarettes are going to be a thing of the past. I think the shit that he's sucking on, that kind of thing, is going to make much more sense for people.

If that stops killing people, why wouldn't they do it? It's a nicotine distribution device. It's definitely getting people into smoking these again now. And then it's helping the tobacco farms find a way to make money again. Because they've all invested heavily in it. Because new people are actually getting hooked on just to smoking nicotine now. Oh, yeah. What is the actual health differential?

What's the difference? Those are outlawed in New York now. Really? Yeah. Indoors. Indoors. Because they said secondhand smoke, but even it was vapor, but they said they put, the problem

is they put on their package safer than smoking cigarettes, and they're like, you have to prove that. You can't just say that. You need to show me a study. Yeah. Yeah. That is the problem. You do have to prove that. Yeah. It's like some sort of, say it's carcinogen or something where it falls into the same category as cigarettes.

See, it doesn't seem like that blue cigarette stuff it lingers more lingers more like smoke i don't smell it though you definitely smell uh like because how i found out about this actual one this girl was smoking it and it smelled like strawberries and i just walked by i'm like what what was that strawberry is that your vagina and then oh shit and then she showed it to me and i'm like oh i'm winning that. But it does smell. And I can see if you don't like strawberry, and then you walk around. Come on, man. I'm at the library.

Yeah, but people with perfume, man. No, there's nothing wrong with that smell. You smell it. I smell it when you just did it, but it smells nice. It's like a nice smell. I didn't smell it. Like, cigarettes are disgusting, man. You used to come into the car after you smoked cigarettes.

Brian would, like, pretend he wasn't smoking. Oh, yeah, I would used to come into the car After you smoked cigarettes Brian would like Pretend he wasn't smoking He would go Oh yeah I would stick to him In the cold Oh and you'd come You'd come into the car And we would all smell it

Like oh dude That's nasty People don't like To hear that shit People that smoke cigarettes Especially Oh yeah They don't like to hear

No you can't smell it Okay fine I guess I made up the smell I just smelled It's so stinky Yeah In the cold In the cold You come in Stinky fuck It's so stinky. Yeah. In the cold. In the cold.

You come in. It's stinky fuck. It's awful. Cigarette smells a stinky fucking smell. It is gross. It's bad for you too, fucks. Wait, no. I've not heard that.

It's bad for you. Don't do it. Get it together. These will be better for that. It probably will take off. It'll probably be the cigarette in 10 years. It'll probably have to. Well, this is the thing.

They say that nicotine is actually an effective cognitive boost. It gives you like a little... That was one of the things that Stephen King said. When Stephen King stopped smoking cigarettes, he said he really felt it. He really felt the difference in his synapses firing, is the way he described it,

and writing his books. And nicotine has like a sort of a stimulating effect on thinking and creativity for a lot of people. But it's the tar and the tobacco that gets you. Well, no. It's a lot of the chemicals. There's like 590 chemicals that they add to cigarettes on top of the tobacco itself, all approved by our lovely government.

But these insane chemicals are essentially designed to change the flavor and to make it more addictive. You know what they do with the nicotine? They have a certain amount. They'll shoot it up real high, like all of a sudden, from five to like seven. And then everyone has to smoke less cigarettes because it's like all of a sudden they're getting too much. So they only smoke like half a cigarette or whatever, and they're getting their fix of

whatever they need. And then they plummet it. Once you get used to that, they plummet it down to like two. Yeah. And then you start smoking more because you're not getting what you need. Then they push it right back up to average again. Wait a minute. They vary it?

Yeah. But on occasion, in order to get you fucking more addicted. They do that now that they already know it causes death. They're still trying to get you more addicted. Well, I didn't know they could do that. So they can vary the amount of nicotine they have. How do you know this? That's what a word on the street is.

Oh, motherfucker. That's what I've heard from smokers. I think Big J told me that. It's a dark business, man. Yeah. That's for sure. Especially if you've ever seen anybody that's dying of cigarettes. Emphysema.

People that are dying of lung cancer. Yeah, I have not. Mike. I thought James died of that, though. Really? Yeah. I have not. Mike Miller. I thought James died of that, though. Really? Yeah. He got a stage four tumor.

That's when they found it. Whoa. He was dead in like two weeks. It wouldn't make any sense, and then gone. Whoa. Yeah. Smoked a lot of cigarettes, that guy.

Smoked a lot of cigarettes. Mike Lacey from the Comedy Magic Club. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. He made you cry that time, Brian. He was telling you to stop smoking cigarettes. Oh, why why was i crying because he gets to you dude he's so nice such a nice guy no brian look at me look at me we care about you we don't want you to die he did one of those like like like rob well he's a legit beautiful person yeah really a girl at the

same day or something i don't know maybe, your cat hurt its foot, so you were shoving cigarettes directly into your veins. You were opening up veins. I dreamt I stubbed a toe. Yeah. I dreamt I stubbed a toe. I can't fucking hit anyone. I know, that was so uncomfortable. You were bad.

I cry pretty easy. I almost cried the other day. It's just what I'm drinking, I think, sometimes. Maybe. What you're drinking makes you cry? Yeah, if I drink too much turkey, that's why I need it. Wild turkey? I start crying. It's beautiful? Your body's

breaking down. You're crying because it's beautiful? Yeah, stuff like that, or I think about something ridiculous. If you drink that much wild turkey, your body's breaking down. It's just slowly dying. It's getting poison poison it's moaning like my my old cat have you had fireball shot fireball have you had fire what is that it's been a while what is it have you had it yeah it's like cinnamony right yeah what is it it's a it's

the shot that used uh used to be popular when i was in college and it kind of went away they near the time of gold slugger and Aftershock, like all those really weird shots. But then it kind of went away, and it came back, and they repackaged it and everything. Now it's like everywhere you go, it's everyone's drinking Fireball, but it's my new drink.

Savages. Savages, each and every one of you. Cinnamon whiskey. I wanted to talk to you guys about this Jerry Seinfeld thing. Oh, yeah. Pull this up, Brian. Pull it up. It's on Gawker. Gawker.com. G-A-W-K- Pull it up. It's on Gawker. Gawker.com.

G-A-W-K-E-R. Just pull up Gawker. It's like right on the front page. It's who cares about diversity in comedy, says Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah, that's not what you want. Just look up. But look up. Just do a Google search on the title.

Diversity, Jerry Seinfeld. And he's getting just Gaw title. Diversity Jerry Seinfeld. And he's getting just gawker diversity Jerry Seinfeld. He's doing a public interview. Yeah. There's people around. I don't want to comment on it until we actually pull the video up because I would like you to hear it from him first

before we even comment on it. Because it's an important subject for guys like Ari and I as comics. There's some shit that they're trying to attach to this. Here. Yeah, let's get into that. Back up, back up, back up, back up. I have noticed that most of the guests are mostly white males of 22 episodes.

Yeah, let's get into that. Take a look over here peter what do you see a lot of whiteys what's going on here but but oh this really pisses me off but go ahead really pisses me off well that's okay i'm go ahead but you made a comment on the tina fey episode that i thought was interesting that i'd like to get your thoughts on a little bit more. You said, you were talking to her and you said something about female comedians, it's a struggle for them to balance their feminine projections with their comedic goals. Yes.

And in the context of comedy, not gender diverse, I just want to know what you meant by that. Well, I was kind of curious what it's like to be a woman in comedy as opposed to a man. There's a little bit of a difference. And I thought that might be an interesting thing to discuss from her perspective. She's so successful at it. And I was just wondering how she looked at it, if she even thought about it. And she kind of gave me the answer, which is, yeah, you do have to think about that. But, you know, it's just another thing to think about.

Okay. All right. Fair enough. But there were a lot of things about comedians in cars in the beginning. The first ten I did, I think, it's just another thing to think about. Okay. All right. Fair enough. But there were a lot of things about comedians in cars in the beginning. The first ten I did, I think, were all white males. And people were writing all about that, which I... Part of the reason why I asked, people had tweeted at me when I said I'm interviewing with Jerry Seinfeld. I said, ask them about their gender diversity on this show.

Yeah. I mean, people think it's the census or something. I mean, this has got to represent the actual pie chart of America who cares it's just funny you know funny is the world that I live in you're funny I'm interested you're not funny I'm not interested

and I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that but everyone else is kind of with their little calculating is this the exact right mix in gender or race or anything like that, but everyone else is kind of with their little calculating, is this the exact right mix? You know, I think that's, to me, it's anti-comedy. It's anti-comedy. It's more about, you know, PC nonsense

than are you making us laugh or not? Right, right. Yeah, well, they went off on that and said that, see, it shows that he's, like, racist. Well, I saw people, I saw a video, I don't even want to bring it up, I don't even want to pull the video up because I don't want to watch it again

because it was so annoying, of people that were taking that and saying that that's a problem. They were taking that. He's not saying... He's not saying, I don't care if you think I'm racist. He's saying, I only care about what's funny. He's trying to make things funny and He's not saying I don't care if you think I'm racist. He's saying I only care about what's funny. He's trying to make things funny, and he's not concerned about making them diverse.

It's like if you think, oh, how come you didn't have anybody with mustaches on your show? Because I wasn't even thinking about that. That's what he's saying. You should be able to do creatively whatever you want, especially when your goal is just make stuff funny. Like, why should he have to? I mean, if I watch a show with all Koreans in it, I don't get upset that there's no white people. People say that, well, you know what, that's just because you're white and you're privileged and white people have the advantage. There's an overall problem maybe of not using enough black people and not using enough people of color.

But that's not each individual shoot's problem. Well, it's not the best thing about this world that you know there's racism it's one of the worst things right it's not the best thing about our culture that you know we aren't equally represented in the media it's not the best thing when you have to you know you have to factor in populations you have to factor in you know how long the these people have been in the business how long these people have been in the business, how long these people have been in the business. There's a lot of shit going on when you talk about putting a fucking show on television. A lot of people think that once someone gets into a position where they have a successful show,

then on top of having to create that show, they also have an obligation to be diverse because they're representing America. They're supposed to give opportunities to an equal percentage of the population. They're trying to get me to do equal percentage of the population. They're trying to get me to do that for that storyteller show. Well, this is where it's a problem. Yeah.

No, you should be able to do what, you're not talking about some government position. Yeah. What you're talking about is a creative thing that you're making. If you are comfortable doing it only with black people, you should only do it with black people. If you're comfortable.

And then it becomes a problem of like, well, I asked four or five girls, none of them could do it so i did my part what am i supposed to get somebody worse just because yeah it's ridiculous you should especially like that like the storyteller type thing you should get whoever you think is good it's your show things you think are interesting but i know you so i know if you find a woman who's a gay, black, seven-foot-tall woman, and she's really funny, you'll fucking love her. And you'll start talking about how great she is. If she's a five-foot-nine white girl who's really cute, but she's really hilarious, you'll say she's really hilarious. I know you don't give a shit about anything not funny.

So it's one of the reasons why I wanted to play this when you're here. Because it's like, they're tricking him. That's what you should be focused on. But they're tricking him. Yeah, it's a set-up question. It is a set-up question because it's kind of a goofy,

you know what he's trying to do when he's trying to make a good television show. He's also, pretty much, most of that show is him in a car getting coffee with his friend. And look, there's cliques.

Yeah. People have the people they hang out with. And there's not that many black comics at the clubs. There's nothing wrong with it. That's the point. It's just who he is and who his friends are. Yeah, he did a show with those four people. So he's going to have them on.

Yeah. You don't have to force a black guy in. It's like he's just having mostly his friends. And look what happens when they had Chris Rock on. They got pulled over. So it's just... Did they? Yeah, at the end of the episode... They got pulled over. He should be able to do whatever the fuck he wants. It's his

thing. He should be able to do whatever he wants. The idea that you should be even debating that he's got issues because what he wants is different than what you expect him to want. Does it represent the exact numbers? So he had 3 out of 20? If he had 5 out of 20, it would have been okay? There's nothing wrong with Sex and have been okay there's nothing wrong

with Sex and the City there's nothing wrong with a show that's only about women no if you're a woman and you were in your 40s when that shit came out you would love it

it's just wrong for Ari Shaffir but for them nothing wrong with that if it's a bunch of women doing shit for women they should be able to cast whatever women

they want to cast there shouldn't be a man that steps up and says hey that was my favorite you used to say about Lifetime television. You saw, it was a billboard of a girl holding a gun up, another girl holding another gun up,

and then another guy behind her, like in The Force also. And you're like, Lifetime television, it's like sci-fi for women. Like this could never exist. Yeah. What are you talking about? You're both hot and you're leading the squad? Yeah. Really? And the guy's behind you is back up. Yeah, just could never exist. Yeah. What are you talking about? You're both hot, and you're leading the squad?

Yeah. Really? And the guys behind you is back up. Just accepting that role. It is like sci-fi for women. Yeah. It is. Wouldn't it be awesome if the world was like this?

Yeah. There was a few of those fucking silly movies. But that's okay for them, man. If that's what they want, it's okay. Yeah, if that's what they want. Black entertainment is so bad. Whoa, what are you saying? It's so bad. What they feed them is fucking garbage.

You mean like Tyler Perry? Is that what you're trying to say? Yes, absolutely. That's one. That's one. It's just all of it's so bad. Have you ever seen the CW, the black shows? Which shows?

Whatever they are over the years. Moesha to the Wayans Brothers to whatever. The Wayans Brothers? How dare you? It's just bad entertainment they're offering them. They don't offer them anything of value. You say them like there's some other people. Yeah, they offer that group, the blacks. I feel're offering them. They don't offer them anything of value. You say them like there's some other people. Yeah, they offer that group, the blacks.

I feel bad for them. The blacks. All their fucking black comedy movies. It's like, what is this? Soul Plane. It's just goofy. Well, whatever happened to Robert Townsend? Yeah.

Remember he used to do? Hollywood Shuffle. Yeah, he did some really cool, funny movies. Yeah, what happened to people like that? How many, like, it's really interesting because there's like a bunch of known white comedy directors, you know, like Judd Apatow. Harold Ramis of the years. There's been tons of them.

Guys who produce white. Todd Phillips. Todd Phillips. Whatever his name is. Todd Phillips? One of those. Yeah. They're producing like white comedies.

Yeah. Hilarious white comedies. You don't hear about a lot of black guys that are doing that. It's so true. Yeah. But are they white comedies. Yeah. Hilarious white comedies. You don't hear about a lot of black guys that are doing that. It's so true. Yeah. But are they white comedies? Or are they just comedies? Well, they're not because Craig Robinson is on a lot of them.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's true. He was awesome in This is the End. He was really good in that. Fuck yeah, he was. I like the part where Michael Cera got stabbed by a thing. And he's like, somebody took my cell phone.

And they start bringing his back pocket. He's like, oh, that's really embarrassing. That was a funny movie, man. When Kenny Powers came in, that's when it became the most awesome movie ever. He's such a dickhead. He started washing his feet with their fucking whatever water they had remaining. Small amount of water. But again, I mean, you should be able to make a show with whoever you want to make a show.

It doesn't make you a racist person. He's right. It's irrelevant. The terms you're talking about have nothing to do with that world. That world, that's what he said. It exists in funny. That's it. That's all that matters.

But the idea that you should have affirmative action in comedy, that you should, you know, and that's essentially what they're saying. They're saying that you should have to have X amount of women. You should have to have X amount of black people. If you don't, they're saying, wait a minute, do you have just a lot of white friends? But then the problem is then you're making female comedy worse. You're making it worse for advancing people without merit. You're making it overall worse.

Well, you can, most certainly. You know, the other argument would be that he just doesn't hang out in those cliques, so he doesn't know these funny women and it would benefit everybody if he got to know them and had them on i could see that argument maybe if there was like a pool of talent that you knew that was like really fucking crackling that you wanted to uh have on your show but at the end of the day it's who he wants to talk to like when people say to me like why do you have a bigfoot expert on because i want to fucking talk to a bigfoot expert yeah i say to me, why do you have a Bigfoot expert on? Because I want to fucking talk to a Bigfoot expert.

Why do you have a bow hunting expert on? Because I want to talk to a bow hunting expert. I find it interesting. You don't have to listen, but if you want to, I will do my best to try to make it entertaining and I will try to ask the questions that I have. I will try to explore as objectively and thoroughly as possible

my perspective and my point of view So I mean how I mean somebody asked me the other day like how many gay people we had on well I don't know like three or four something like that like maybe Melissa Etheridge Todd glass Justin Martindale who else we had some other ones out somebody Yeah We had a few well. Super twink. Well, whoever the fuck it was. And someone was like, well, why haven't you had more?

Whatever. I don't know. Who cares? Why do I have to? Now I don't want to. How about that? Now you're bringing it up. I'm annoyed.

But then it's also like, am I just not friends enough with black people or gay people? Listen, man, anybody I find interesting, I'll talk to. I give zero fucks about what they look like. I don't care. I don't care if someone's black or white or fat or skinny. If they're interesting, they're interesting. I don't care. I really don't.

I don't care what kind of music you like. I don't give a fuck. I'm not judgmental on that stuff. Please don't wear sweatpants. I'm sweatpantsing it to death, son. I'm into it. I'm sweatpantsing it to death, son. I'm into it. I'm sweatpantsing it. I'm with a jacket,

a nice tracksuit jacket, and a fat fanny pack with my Higher Primate logo. Have you seen the Higher Primate fanny pack, Ari? I don't think so. So sexy. Let me see it.

So sexy. Once you see it, you'll understand my passion for this garment. Eventually, we'll all have purses, but until then, the Higher Primate fanny pack

is what's up. I do think the men got the shaft on the accessible pouches. Look at that beautiful leather. Look at the front. See that little Higher Primate logo? It says Higher Primate. Yeah, it's a monkey

with a chimp, rather, with a light bulb above his head. Like, I got an idea. First idea. First idea. First evolution. That's the Higher Primate. That's the first step.

A curious chimp. We used to always look through the checks at the comedy store to see who got what. We were always like, who's higher primate? There's a few we didn't know. That's not my company. My company's, well, I can't tell you. You shouldn't say it online. Everybody, keep it together.

But the higher primate fanny pack is just the beginning. Nice. From there, I'm going to launch a bunch of other gay shit. Yeah, that pisses me off. Did you see what Natasha did when she had that thing for New Year's Eve? Yes. Yes. Yeah.

People got mad at her. It's dumb. There's no reason to get mad. It's so dumb. And she made the best apology you could ever make. It was perfect. She was like, fuck you. I'm not sorry.

You misunderstood it. They're old. Their teeth fall out when they're old. That's the joke. Well, not only that. She was like, you know, she was pretty clear that she was just joking around. You know? It was pretty obvious that it was just her trying to fuck.

She's like, real veterans are being mistreated as they come home now. That's the issue you should worry about if you want to honor the veterans. It's a joke. And it's not that people were really upset. It's that people think that they have the license to be upset and that they can get you in trouble. That's what people are trying to do. They're trying to get you in trouble. They're not just trying to change things.

They're trying to get you in trouble. So they can contact the network and say, you should do something. I was offended. She said this. You don't have anybody in your family that says something that dumb occasionally. They miss one. They go for a little old person joke. I want vengeance, and I deserve vengeance.

She should be fired out in the street. But if an episode of a drama is not any good, you can't fire anybody. Put her in the street. What I want to see is if it's not such an innocuous joke, if it actually is a borderline like rape or murder or pedophile joke where it's not completely nothing and it's not a cute woman doing the non-apology.

Right. I want to see how people get that. Or people like Chris Rock are going to puss out again like they did Tracy Morgan and just not a cute woman doing the non-apology. Right. I want to see how people get that. Or people like Chris Rock are going to puss out again like they did Tracy Morgan and just do a 180 and go from like, no, he can say whatever he wants to, well, alright, you go too far sometimes. What happened? Chris Rock, when Tracy Morgan had that thing with the gay thing. He said he went

too far? Yeah, he just totally flipped his views. Well, there's certain things that you feel like... They called him overnight. Wow. There's certain things that you feel like you can't fucking endorse. Yeah. yeah you know and that like kind of gay bashing like saying that he would stab his his son if his son was gay people like i can't endorse that i can't endorse that but if you know tracy morgan if he's doing this stuff forever that's what he does he says ridiculously outrageous shit that he doesn't

really mean and now because it's popular you're gonna go against it? Yeah, but you can't. Say whatever he wants. You know what he's doing. Everybody knows what he's doing. It's like a joke to pretend that he's not saying something completely outrageous that he absolutely doesn't mean. How old you are? Yeah. That's what he said.

How old you are? Are you 26? You must pee fast. How fast your pee? My pee's slow. Yeah, he rubs his belly. Someone getting pregnant. He would slap his belly on that TV show.

Someone getting pregnant tonight. Tell you right now. Someone getting pregnant. You know, that's his whole thing. It was a real rumor that he couldn't read. A real legitimate rumor that people were talking about. Well, Charlie Barnett couldn't read. That's how he couldn't get on the Saturday Night Live.

Really? Yeah, Charlie Barnett. Charlie Barnett was Shape Chappelle's teacher? Or mentor? Something, whatever? Yeah, him and a lot of other guys. When I was in New York, he was already not there anymore. I don't know where he was.

He died of AIDS, I believe. But he was like a guy who, it was Dave Chappelle. He sort of taught Dave Chappelle how to do those street side shows, I think. I might be talking out of school, but I have seen Dave Chappelle do a street side show.

Dave Chappelle did it in Montreal. It was pretty hilarious. Really? He was really young too. It was when I first met him. I think he was probably like, I first met him in New York and then I saw him again up in Montreal

when he was maybe 19. He stood on the side of the highway? Took his hat off, put his hat on the ground, and did a comedy show, and then passed his hat around. Wow. And people put money in it. Wow. This was before he was famous. And he would just do it at the drop of a hat.

Just do, did you ever notice? Just to make money. It was funny. It was good. I wonder what tricks he must have developed to get the crowd. He must have developed certain things in order to get them to gather around. I think he would just call them around. He looks like a guy who would be fun to listen to talk.

So people slow down. Some folks are in a hurry and some folks aren't. And the ones that aren't, they circle them. And then he'll do a little five-minute comedy show and then pass a hat around. I saw him do it in Montreal. Apparently Charlie Barnett used to do that and he was like legendary at it. He was awesome. He was awesome at like being hilarious to a bunch of people like off the cuff. He had material that he would do, but he would also be off the cuff funny and he would gather

people around and then he would hand out the hat, pass out the hat, you know, and that's how he would make some money. And he became famous like doing comedy, did a lot of stand-up, people loved him on stage and then he got an audition for Saturday Night Live and apparently the word was that he got the part but he couldn't read. So since he couldn't read scripts, they couldn't hire him.

It's tough to work in that environment without being able to read. Yeah, and apparently he had a problem with intravenous drugs. He loved them? Yeah, he found out about them. That's the problem. Yeah.

But he apparently was like, I keep saying apparently, apparently I ran out of adjectives, no words. He was like one of the pioneers of that style of comedy. Really? Yeah. Natural talking? Yeah, well, not just natural talking, but knowing how to captivate a group

and get everybody to settle down and like, put on a hat. Like, that's like, it's such a tough crowd that when you go onto a stage

at a comedy club, It must be nothing. Yeah, it's like, you're running uphill all day. Whenever we saw those Thirsty Promenade people, everyone had the thought of like, can I do comedy here?

Yeah. Could I do it? Yeah. It's hard though. I've never seen anybody do it besides Dave. I've never seen anybody just do like, can I do comedy here? Yeah. Could I do it? Yeah. It's hard, though. I've never seen anybody do it besides Dave. I've never seen anybody just do, like, street comedy. It just seems weird. It does.

I've seen them, the goofy, like, the dancers will do comedy in between when they're going to make a dance. Well, I don't think Dave would do it today. I mean, I know he did do some shows in Seattle. Remember when he wasn't doing official shows anymore? Yeah, yeah. He did a show in Seattle where he just showed up and brought a speaker and started

doing stand-up in the park. Wow. Just put it down as the first. His career has been fucking fascinating. He's a fascinating guy. You ever hear of him on the podcast? I would definitely, but I've never run into him. I need to run into him. I haven't run into him

since I've been doing it. He said he would do it. I've never run into him. I need to run into him. I haven't run into him since I've been doing it. He said he would do it. I ran into him a couple times. Yeah, I got to get a hold of him. He would be awesome to have on. Yeah, I bet. He's a good dude, man. He's a funny fucking guy, too.

He's a funny guy. He's been funny for a long time. Dude, when he came back from Africa, he did that show in the main room. I don't know if that was after you stopped going there or before. I have that on tape. Do you really? In my car. It was so packed and everybody was there.

Fucking Bruce Willis was there. Sound Garden was there. The fucking fire department showed up and just asked if they could sit on the steps to block the fucking escape. Wow. Everybody. That was the ticket. Did you see Kiss the other night was at House of Blues, and there was Arnold Schwarzenegger was there,

Stallone was there. Paul Stanley is doing the podcast. Oh, really? Yeah. Dog the Bounty Hunter. You going to Eddie Bravo to come in too? I don't know. I don't know if Eddie can, but I want to get Ace Frehley too.

Oh, wow. That'd be awesome. I met Ace Frehley when I was like seven years old. How? My uncle was an artist, and he worked for the advertising agency that created the album covers and the album art yeah i was back when they had you know they were artwork i mean they were the album was you would open up like especially like two discs like kiss

alive 2 would have two uh records in it and it would open up there's all these images and advertising you know guys would put together these albums they you know they they made the artwork so they hired artists and graphic artists to create these things and uh ace really came into the office and i was uh just staying i went to work with my uncle like he took me to work with him because he i was an artist at the time too i was really into art and so he wanted to see me to see like what his office was like like in case maybe i wanted to do it someday and i just so happened to be he took me in it someday. And I just so happened to be... He took me in a couple times,

but I just so happened to be there the day that Ace Frehley arrived. Was he wearing his makeup or anything? No makeup. That's why it was so crazy. Because at the time, it was like no one knew what they looked like. They would walk around with bandanas over their face.

Really? Yeah, it was a big thing. Photographers were constantly trying to catch them. Oh, wow. Yeah, they were trying to catch them out. Because if they caught them, they photographers were constantly trying to catch them. Oh, wow. Yeah, they were trying to catch them out. Because if they caught them, they would get the first photo of them. Oh, yeah. And there was a few of, like, Paul Stanley, like this, where you'd see, like, this much of his face.

Like the neighbor from Tool Time? You'd see, like, this much of his face. You wouldn't see his total face. You'd just see, like, a little bit. Yeah. So you saw him? Yeah. So I saw him when I was, like, I think I was, like, seven or eight or something like that.

It was crazy. I couldn't believe it. I was, like, starstruck. I was like, I think I was like seven or eight or something like that. It was crazy. I couldn't believe it. I was like starstruck. I was like, I can't believe it. You should tell the rest of your classmates and have them not believe you. Well, my cousin had seen them a bunch. My cousin Iona, she was like friends with them. They would go play softball together.

And like she would talk about it. She's like, it's the weirdest thing. I played softball with Gene Simmons. And like he had no makeup on. We were playing softball with Kiss. And no one knows talk about it. She's like, it's the weirdest thing. I played softball with Gene Simmons. And like you had no makeup on. We were playing softball with Kiss. And no one knows it's Kiss. They have no makeup on. You're like, this is the nuttiest thing ever.

And my uncle was like, he's a really cool character, very artistic character. So his daughter was very cool as well. She was really like, she's really smart. And she, you know, so like her describing it was very, it was like, she was not, she was totally taking into account the bizarreness of it. She's like, so I'm standing there and I'm playing softball with Kiss. And as I've got this glove on, I'm looking around and she's like, what the fuck am I doing?

I'm playing softball with these guys that have makeup on. This is the most famous, I mean, she was my age at the time. We were both like, you know, like eight or something like that. How massive did they get? Oh, they were huge. Really? Yeah, they were gigantic. I saw them in the 90s.

Kiss. Well, I saw them in the 70s when I was a little kid. My uncle took me to a show. And that was when he was working for the company back then. I was really young when he took me to a kiss show. That's weird. I might have been like 10 or something like that. Maybe 11.

At the most, I was 11. But he took me to a kiss show then I went to a couple and then I went to two in a row with Kevin James in, uh, really? Yeah. In the, the, uh, the nineties, uh, kiss when they made their comeback, it was the nineties or the early 2000s. I think it might have been nineties. I don't think I was even on fear factor yet. Wow. And Kevin was out here. Kevin had one star search and you know, we were just one star search. Fear Factor yet. Wow. And Kevin was out here. Kevin had won Star Search. He won Star Search? Yeah. So did Bushman. Yeah, Kevin was a bad motherfucker.

Bushman beat Norm Macdonald. Kevin's one of the most underrated stand-ups ever. Really? Really? Yes. Yes, listen to me. That dude, he could hit moments on stage. He had some bits on stage that were fucking murderers.

But he always wanted to keep it like clean and family-friendly And he wanted to like you know make it like so he didn't want to piss anybody off He didn't want people not be able to go to his shows. You know he kept his act real clean Especially once he had can't Queens you know that he cleaned up even more well He was just you know he would never do a bit that you would do or I would do never Never was our special guys I remember when his hour special was one of the first hour specials

because it was just too big for a half hour and it was just like... Let me tell you something. I was with that dude when he was coming up. Before he got any of that shit, that guy could kill me.

He was hilarious. He was really funny. He used to do this bit about getting pissed because Kevin is a sweet guy. He's an awesome guy. But if he gets pissed off, he's got a fucking temper.

He doesn't do anything but he does get angry at shit. He's not a violent guy. He's an awesome guy. But if he gets pissed off, he's got a fucking temper. He doesn't do anything, but he does get angry at shit. He's not a violent guy, but you could see him get fucking crazy about shit. So he had this bit about his girlfriend. He was like hitting

the unlock button on the door at the same time that she was pulling the handle and they cancel each other out. And he had this bit where they kept doing it again and it builds up

and fucking hilarious bit, man. And he would go ape shit on stage and scream and yeah i don't even think he swore back then like he might swear he like a little bit like shit or something like that like every now and then but you know he was trying to do like a very specific type of comedy you know that story about him at montreal or aspen with with a sussman and fucking the deal he got when you're like, come talk to my guy. Let him see what he can get you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's an unfortunate story, but I don't think we can repeat that because it's very bad for someone's business. Oh, whatever. Yeah, we can't repeat numbers either. But yeah, he got lucky and got a good manager. My manager knew exactly what to do.

He had another older manager that wasn't giving him such great advice, and they were about to get him to make a terrible— Take this thing. Well, they had said a lot of shitty things to him. One of the things they said, no one would ever believe this if you never worked in Hollywood, but there was a guy that was working with him before that actually told him to not lose weight. Really? Because he'll go out of category? Yep.

Wow. The actual quote was, Kevin, when you lose weight, you're losing rolls. Wow. He actually said that to him. When you lose weight, when you get healthy, no one's going to like you. When you get healthy. It's not possible for you to be this funny unless you're a fat fuck. Okay?

So stay a fat fuck so we can all make money. Kevin, when you lose weight, you're losing rolls. We're losing money, Kevin. That's so mean. People don't want you in there. You're going to die early, but we can use you. It's the worst thing ever because it gave him a green light to eat whatever the fuck he wanted. Kevin, when I first met him, was like a pretty stout character.

You know, and he was even thinner and more stout when he was like in high school. And he was really into karate for a while, did a lot of karate, like was really in good shape. And when he was in really good shape, he was like 200 high school and he uh was really into karate for a while did a lot of karate like really in good shape and when he's in really good shape he was like 200 pounds and ripped man yeah just a tank those little pictures of joey diaz we're like who's that he's a tank yeah but when he when a guy tells you shit like that like you lose weight you're losing rolls you're like giving a guy a green light to just eat whatever the fuck he wants yeah you know that's rude they're just trying to make money. They're just idiots. People that want to tell you how you should be. You know, you shouldn't be healthy.

There's Kevin. Oh, yeah. I don't need an iron anymore. That's pretty cool. It is so hot down here, I cannot take it anymore. Although in my room I have air conditioning, which I love. It's great. I grew up without air conditioning.

It was the worst. My dad was too cheap. Don't do do his bits cuz he probably wouldn't like that Yeah, that was star search two-minute comedy. Yeah, so weird. Yeah, you probably would go died you fucking do my better Don't don't don't don't please don't You know comedians are like you take a chunk of their material and put it on like I hate that bit Don't fucking do that bit But he would kill me man he was really funny he just you know decided to he got really into making the tv show i really enjoyed the process of oh really making a sitcom yeah he's good he's good at that shit he's good at comedic acting you know i just really wish he would really chase

comedy more staring up the guy was so funny, man. He used to kill me. When we were kids, we were like in our early 20s together and we would do gigs together. We did a lot of gigs together. He was hilarious, man. He was a hilarious dude. And he was like real honest

about his insecurities and shit. Some of the people you started with are actually still around. Yeah, a lot of them are still around. They made it. Yeah, a lot of them have made it, really. Still doing this. Yeah, like Norton.

Norton and I have been friends since, fuck, since we were both like 21 or something like that yeah you know we're both like 46 somebody in my open mic days yeah like how you doing yeah well greg fitzsimmons is my oldest friend ever greg fitzsimmons and i literally went on stage like within a week of each other wow yeah we were friends in the dark dark days of open mic nights we were buddies back when we were you know complete amateurs neither one of us we were terrible we had nothing so to like be friends still to be friends now and see him like i downloaded the audio making the past six months were small not not so good for sure but i i downloaded his uh new comedy special. He just has a comedy special that he just put out.

Is that the one where he talks about how easy Americans have it? Yeah. Oh, it's fucking great. But I listened to it on the way home from a gig and was laughing my ass off. It was really fucking funny. It was really fucking funny yeah it was really funny and it was so cool to be able to drive home and listen to you know a guy that i started with and he's slaying and even more cool for me for greg because greg for a while was a greg is a multiple time any emmy winning writer oh yeah

he makes a lot of his money writing well he's like you like, you know, he's won Emmys. He's a really good writer. You know, he's got a good book as well, but he decided to take some time off of doing stand-up. He didn't do stand-up for a long time. He really didn't, I mean, maybe did it occasionally, but he really didn't dive into it like he's back doing now. And then he, after he did it, after he dove back into it, then he put out this special. And so it was, it was like extra cool. Then he put out this special. And so it was, like, extra cool driving around, listening to that special, because I knew what he did. I knew how he worked. I knew that he got back into comedy,

and I knew that he really loved it again, you know? It's like a lot of our friends, we talk about that. Like, Callan and I have the same conversation every week. Like, he was just in some club. Like, he did Cap City in Austin. Yeah. And we're on the phone, you know. We're just in some club. He did Cap City in Austin. We're on the phone. We're just both in our cars just catching up. He goes, it's the greatest fucking job

in the world. It's the greatest fucking job. I don't want to do anything else. He goes, I do other things. I don't want to do them. He goes, what I want to do is I want to do comedy. I want to tell jokes. It's so fun. You watch him on stage. I've had a chance to do some shows with him lately too and you could see him just really enjoying this having done all these movies and all these tv

shows that he didn't really necessarily enjoy because he thought he was supposed to be an actor yeah and then seeing him just murdering with his own silly goose style of comedy because he's so silly you know yeah it's really fucking great to see, man. Really great to see. Really funny, funny shit, too, man. Like, knowing guys, I've known Callan since 94. Really? So I've known Greg since 88.

Greg's my longest-running friend in comedy. Christ. But Callan and I have been best friends since, like, the moment we met, you know? I mean, there's, like, a core group. Wait, you met him in New York? No, I met him out here. I did Mad TV. Oh, and he was on it. He was on Mad TV, and I was the host of Mad TV.

He was on 7th Heaven for like a bunch of episodes. Yes, yeah. He did fucking 7th Heaven. And Oz. Don't pull up videos of us on Mad TV. I know what you're doing. You fuck. We were children back then.

But we became friends like almost immediately. That's cool. We said like three or four sentences together, and we were playing, hanging out together. Yeah, he's just a fun dude. It's hard to make fun friends, but it's cool when you run into him and you collect him. You're like, oh, I found a good one. He's a good friend. And then you see that guy prosper.

You see that guy growing and developing. It's one of the most depressing things when you see a guy who used to do good like i don't want to say any names but guys that we know that had potential and then they fell off yeah and then they stopped doing comedy all together and you're like my god we came up together like that guy was just as good as me in 1998 like what the fuck yeah they stopped they stopped they stopped. They stopped. They stopped doing comedy. And they, you know, he got a job. Like, what? A job? Doing what?

Why didn't he? Oh, my God. Why didn't he follow up? Scares everybody else, too. Like, is that a possibility? Yeah. One of the guys we know can just stop? People don't know.

They don't understand. And that's why they get angry when I use the word civilian. By the way, people, everyone who gets angry because I use the word civilian to describe non-comics go fuck yourself for real for real go fuck yourself stop your whining stop your demand for respect stop all of it just stop you know what we're talking about you dummies we're talking about the difference between someone who understands the fucking hectic chaotic mental war you go on in your head yeah when you're being a stand-up comic. We're describing the mess of this life that you

will not understand if you don't do it. Just like if you're a stockbroker and I'm not and you call me a civilian, I'm not going to get offended. I wouldn't get offended, by the way, if I was a fucking soldier either. I wouldn't get offended. You know what people are saying. It's called a figure of speech. Don't be a cunt. Find some other shit to be annoyed at. Don't be a cunt.

Find some other shit to be annoyed at. There's be a cunt. Don't be a cunt. Find some other shit to be annoyed at. There's plenty of things that are real that you could be annoyed at. Don't be annoyed if somebody uses the term civilian. Civilian. It's silly. Did you see that video of a comedian in Tennessee that there was like a group in the front row that were like wrestlers and stuff like that, like these big guys?

Yeah. And they start heckling, and then the guy gets on stage and racks them right in the balls. Racks who? Racks the comic? Racks the comic? Racks the comic. Oh, no. Here's the video. Oh, I don't want to see this, man.

The guy is huge, too. Ballsville Cafe, I don't even know where that is. He hit him in the balls? Yeah, he gets on stage and then racks him. Racks him. Why did you get the word racks? Oh, he told them what it means? Do you know the term?

Yeah, I saw that. I was on stage with him. I guess he already did it. Yeah, that's nice. I feel like next thing you're going to do is try to shake my hand and be like... He already did it, I guess.

Jesus Christ. Why is he still in the room? You guys are so delightful compared to this train wreck over here. Where did he start doing it, man? Hi, this is DeKalb. Why is he still in the room? Where did he start doing it man? Not cute upright Okay, I don't think this is it, Brian. Well, find it, then. I don't want to sit through this. This wasn't dealing with a heckler.

Yeah. Why was he still in the room? These clubs, like, just, all right, they already attacked the comic. Tell him to leave. Yeah. Tell him to settle his bill and leave. Guy comes on stage and taps you in the balls. It's over.

Show them. They're just a little too comfortable hitting each other. You know, when you hit each other for a living, like wrestlers do, they slap each other in the face. Yeah. A regular person does not like that. They don't want to deal with that shit at all. Like, ow. People who don't respect professional wrestling look you might not enjoy it as a form

of entertainment but you better respect like how hard it is to do piper came to the store the other day those guys fucking yeah they sacrificed every part of their body all weathered they're all broken up man that is a crazy fucking way to try to make a living. He's throwing chairs at each other and shit and jumping off the top rope and fucking doing flips and landing on your face. Yeah. That's some crazy shit, man.

That is one of the most destructive jobs in show business as far as what it does to your body. Slamming on the ground. Oh, my God. Do you remember the Brock Lesnar one where he did the shooting star press? He did a flip, but he missed the flip and landed on his fucking head. Oh, no, really? Yeah.

He was trying to do a flip and pin a guy. He was going to get on a top rope and do a flip and pin a guy, but he missed. He just bam on his head? He landed right on his fucking head. I had Tate slip. Oh, that guy just kneed him in the balls? You're going to come up on stage. What are you going to do about it?

I'm not backing down, bro. He wants to hit him back. I know. Okay, I don't want to watch this, man. That's fucked up. That's harsh. Yeah, you shouldn't have left that guy on stage. He definitely shouldn't have said, what are you going to do? Like, what's up. Yeah, you shouldn't have left that guy on stage. He definitely shouldn't have said,

what are you going to do? Like, what's up with that fake bravado of having that guy on stage and saying, what are you going to do and this fucking giant wrestler guy standing in front of you, right?

And meeting him with balls. Taunting him. He shouldn't be on stage, first of all, definitely, for sure, but, you know, the fucking show is basically over

Such a weird position now. He's like, oh, what do we all need to walk away? Well, yeah, you're getting bullied by a giant wrestler, too. I mean, that guy

was twice the size of that guy. Why did he go back and sit down and nobody throws him out? It's ridiculous. You can't go on stage and knee somebody in the balls, and then they don't throw you out. That's like bad- Yeah, why can't you get sued for that? Why can't you be like, this random stranger just knee me in the balls? That's not part of my job.

Yeah, you should be able to sue for that. The club, for sure, you should be able to sue the guy. Yeah. You know, the guy for kneeing you in the balls. Well, Tammy had that drink thrown at her, and she tried to press charges, and the sheriff was like, you should be able to sue the guy. The guy for kneeing you in the balls. Well, Tammy had that drink thrown at her, and she tried to press charges, and the sheriff was like, no, no, it's just comedy. What? She's like, he threw a drink at my

head. He threw a glass at my head. I want to press charges. That's assault. They didn't bring him in? Uh-uh. That's insane. Yeah. You can't throw a glass at somebody. If he hit her, that's a fucking weapon. I know, but he's like, she's part of comedy. Why is it part of comedy. It's like,

why? Why is it part of comedy? We don't agree to that? What? What do you mean? What a fucking lazy cop that is. That's what that is. That's a guy

that didn't want to fill out some paperwork. Yeah. I wonder where that was with Tammy. Because the actual assault didn't happen. I don't know.

Maybe just like, because it did actually hit her. Or he's a local and she's not. So like, I'm not going to just arrest somebody with some traveling salesman.

Local in LA? No, it wasn't here. It was on the road somewhere. Oh, I was like, that doesn't make any sense. Like, where did this take place? It must have been some fucking hillbilly shack. Yeah, I don't know exactly. Texas or somewhere?

Nashville? I don't know. You're just making shit up. You're just making shit up. No, I don't know where it was. Texas and Nashville are nowhere near each other. It was somewhere. Chicago, Canada, something.

Somewhere, Redneck. Fucking Florida. I don't know, something. Something. Yeah, man. Somewhere. Fucking Florida. I don't know. Something. Something. Yeah, man. That's not cool. But that's one of the problems with owning a club. You own a club, you're serving people one of the most ridiculous drinks.

Yeah. One of the most ridiculous drugs when it comes to behavior, like managing your behavior. Torque lights. You just give people this drug that makes them want to behave like a fucking asshole. Yeah. Like a good percentage of people want to behave like an asshole. On that? On that drug.

And then you're selling that. That's what you sell. And you need them to be around. And then you got some guy who's on stage talking mad shit about sucking dicks and shooting cum into people. And people get crazy. They get crazy. they're drunk and someone's talking about sex and crazy let's go yeah they get nutty and they they just can't believe what they're hearing they they want another drink where's that fucking waitress i

want a drink yeah they hear somebody talking loud yeah and there's a lot of that we shut the fuck up like sometimes you hear that well you guys need to shut the fuck up they hear that like in the audience like people arguing with people oh yeah somebody else tells them to be quiet because they can't hear last time we were at um for there's a duncan and i were at the uh hollywood improv in florida yeah and like some people almost duked it out in the audience yeah because one group was talking the other group turned around they were like you shut the fuck up like a guy like jumped up and he's pointing at these big fucking giant fat guy you shut the fuck up? Like a guy jumped up and he was pointing at this big fucking giant fat guy. Will you shut the Rob Ford looking type character?

He was screaming at these people and they were screaming back at him. And it was like, wow, in the middle of the fucking show. You guys are all disruptive. Please stop that. Yeah, he was getting super angry and loud because the guy behind him was loud. It was more about him than it was even about the show like he even though there was like 300 people there for this show yeah like i understand that this guy is being a dick but him his yelling made it way crazier for everybody else like he wasn't concerned about

that like once the confrontation started it was out of control doesn't matter sorry everybody but everybody yeah everybody else fuck you like the fight Superman got into, his latest one, just destroying a bunch of buildings. Superman got into a fight and destroyed buildings? Yeah. That's so stupid. Why doesn't he fight in the desert? If you're Superman, you grab guys, you bring them out in the desert, and you kick their ass out there. Let's do it here.

You don't kick people's ass in the middle of the city, you fucking dummy. You can fly around the world in a second, and you choose to duke it out in the city? You're an asshole. Guilty. Next case. Send him to the sun. That's what I would say. If I was a fucking judge and Superman came in

and he told me to smash these buildings apart, I'd be like, what? Why didn't you take him to the moon? Duke it out up there, you fucking asshole. Oh, yeah, that's right. He can do whatever he wants. He can do anything. Superman can fly to space. He's fucking Superman. Yeah, he can. He lives in a different kind of planet, man.

I never liked Superman for that reason. He seems indestructible. Yeah, he can. He lives in a different kind of planet, man. I never liked Superman because of that reason. I'm like, he seems indestructible. Yeah, totally indestructible. Unless you get that kryptonite. I guess. You know what kryptonite is, right?

Yeah, what? Pussy, for sure. Woman. Yeah, it stands for pussy. That's what it is. Look, it makes him weak. Yeah. Takes him out of character.

He can't make decisions for himself. Yeah, that is what it is. Eventually it sucks his power away and he dies. Dude, there's times where you just know you're making the wrong decision. With a woman or with kryptonite?

With a woman. And you're just like, oh. Yep. Why am I doing it? Even as you're doing it, you're like, why?

God, it's because of the pull they have. Yeah. Well, you know what it is, man? Your genes want to spread. Yeah, and you can't help it. And women who have like beautiful bodies, like a woman's body,

is the most incredible magnet for a man I sort of came a little bit I'll just wipe it off it'll be fine let me just get my finger clean it out I would not have made that decision yesterday like this I did I shoot it in her what what no I did not shit I did it with a black girl finally Oh BAM let me pee and then tell me Okay Hold your story Talk to him about something How I guess I won't So wait I don't know Just so you know

I invite my next storyteller show Is in Los Angeles February 27th At the Improv Me, Mark Maron Ralphie May Louis Katz So far

Sweet Yeah, five dollars It's a nice show I like that show I like the one that you had With Natasha Bobby Lee Renizzisi

And you were all talking About the whole thing That was a fun one Yeah That was a fun one Did you like it uh natasha bobby lee steve rennazizi and you were all talking about the whole thing that was a fun one yeah that was a fun one do you like it yeah i loved it yeah it's so fun it's so funny how bobby can't not be funny yeah yeah that was a really good one look at this is not happening yeah go do a youtube search for that you'll find it but yeah that was a good one steve eventually just lost control so he's just like oh whatever keep going i like when bobby lies and we both when you say no you're, and somebody else says you're wrong, he'll go, okay, all right. I was lying. It was really cool because I've heard that story so many times but never actually seen like a Natasha around there.

Yeah, all of us together. When she brought up the water thing, I could tell you were like, oh, I did do that. Like, I'm sorry. But we asked about who was right and who was wrong. It was like, it doesn't matter. I'm just embarrassed about my behavior. I don't care about who else's behavior. Yeah, because you dumped a water glass on her head.

Yeah. Heartbreak, man. It gets you. San Jose Improv, March, middle of March. And again, Chicago Zanies this weekend. I love that place. I was just there. And go across the street to that...

Yeah, Improv. Go across the street to that, yeah, improv. Go across the street to that dab place. There's a museum right there, too. Yeah. San Jose Improv down the street from Joe's.

Joe's, yeah. What's that called? Original Joe's? Original Joe's, yeah. That was good later. Oh, they have like a real wood grill for steaks there.

Oh. Yeah, they have like real wood coals. They put lump charcoal underneath the steak. It's a charcoal broiler. A real broiler. Yeah, yeah. like real wood coals. They put lump charcoal underneath the steak. It's a charcoal broiler. A real broiler. Yeah, yeah.

Dude. You can watch them. If you get a seat by the bar. We went there once with two fighters. We've been there a bunch of times. John Fitch and. And Mike Swick. Yeah.

That was when Mike Swick was telling us about how he used to work for the United States government. He was working in Russia and their buildings were bugged. the United States government, he was working in Russia, and their buildings were bugged. The Russians bugged the buildings with incredibly sophisticated equipment. And he was like, they were so far ahead of what we were capable of. He said they had bugs that were operating on the power generated by the movement of the building in the breeze. Wow.

What? They figured out a way to generate enough power to keep the microphones going and and transmitting transmitting like producing energy and they got it from the movement of the fucking swaying of the building he was like they were so far ahead of us why were they bugging his room they were bugging the whatever building he was working at government building he was working at what people don't realize is the Soviet Union,

during the Cold War, during the advancement of their rocket program along with our rocket program, they got the first fucking guy in orbit, man. I mean, they were incredibly advanced. And you think that's one of the reasons we made up the moon landing? Well, I don't think we made up the moon landing.

You don't? I've changed my position on that. What? Yeah. What? Yeah, this is what I think. I think... Give me my hours back.

No, no. How dare you? You owe us five years. You have to figure it out. Okay. You have to figure it out. You can't figure it out initially. If I think...

If you watch that Fox show, watch the Fox show on the moon landings. It's very compelling. It's very compelling. It's a really interesting... Saying how it is real? Well, saying it's very compelling it's very compelling it's a really interesting how it is real what's saying it's not real oh um but the odds of that being true it's so small it's like i don't know what happened but if i had to guess what happened i would say they went to the moon and i would say when you look at some of the photos that like look like they're staged and the fact that all of them

were centered there very well could have been some counterfeit photos. They definitely did a little bit of that back then in NASA. There was a photo from Gemini, I believe it was Gemini 15. It was Michael Collins, and they took a photo of him in training with these wires and this harness on, and then they blacked out all the wires in the background and then used the same photo and said that he was in space. Really? That he was doing a spacewalk.

Like, who's taking his picture during a spacewalk? Nobody. It wasn't a real photo. There was nobody out there with a fucking camera walking with him. We just started faking photos, so we didn't know that yet. It was a fake photo. They didn't think that people were going to think that many steps ahead. So I think it's very possible that they might have faked some things.

Like, some photographs might have been on a soundstage. For publicity and stuff. Yeah, for publicity and to make sure that they got a record of it. Like John Kerry showed those pictures of Syria of all the dead bodies, and it was from like five years ago. Dude, my favorite quote, though, is Clinton's quote about it. Clinton talked about when he was a kid, he was working for a carpenter, and the guy said that he didn't believe anything on television, that those television fellers can put things on TV and make you think it's real.

Yeah. And he said, back then I thought that guy was a quack or a crank, but during my eight years in the White House, I saw things that made me think that maybe he was ahead of his time. Wow. That's a Clinton quote on the moon landing. Do you think they tell each president, like, here's what's catching up on the

moon landing stuff? Or do you think they don't even tell them? Why would they want to tell them? Well, if it really was fake, which, again, I don't necessarily

think it was. I think it's more likely that there's some fuckery involved in some of the evidence because, you know, they were trying to create things that were used for

publicity. There's some video that looks really fucking hokey. There's this video of them jumping around like they're on trampolines when they're on the moon. It's really weird. It's really weird stuff. There's no consistency in the way they move. If you watch the earliest video from Apollo 11

when they're walking on the moon, you watch their movement, and then watch the later stuff, it's like they move a little differently. They can do weird shit, like they can jump and fly through the air later in the videos. They got better at whatever they were doing.

How'd you get better at walking in space? Well, it's just weird. So I think that it might very well be that some of the footage that you look at, it's possible, and I think that it might very well be that some of the footage that you look at, it's possible, and I'm not suggesting that we didn't go to the moon. I know I have in the past, but what I'm suggesting is some of the footage might be fake. It's

possible. They used to do that kind of stuff back then. I know we don't like to think that, but they did a lot of stuff like that. They still do it now. They still do it now. They still fake things now. They had billboards of Martin Luther King with white women. Oh, sure. With billboards in the south. Of course they did now. They had billboards of Martin Luther King with white women. Oh, sure. Billboards in the South.

Of course they did. Meanwhile, Martin Luther King fucked a lot of white women. How about that? Wow. How about he loved it? Who wouldn't? You're Martin Luther King. Yeah, I bet he did.

He probably knew he was going to die. Just get on a rampage. Get that white pussy. Was this black girl like 5 p.m. or 2.30 a.m.? What does that mean? The color. Oh. Like 5 p.m. This is a starter a.m.? What does that mean? The color. Oh. Like 5 p.m.

This is a starter black. Oh, okay. This is definitely shit. Okay, she wasn't... I mean, for me to go in full bore, that's kind of crazy. Right. She was not from this country.

She was from like England or like the... Or the... She had an English accent? Jamaica-ish, yeah. And like raised there, yeah. Wow. Real white, real not hip-hoppy at all. Hip-hoppy?

Yeah. It was a very starter, like just get in there. Was she half black? No, I mean, you know, they're all black. What the fuck, Ari? Don't say it like that, man. Did the vagina seem any different to you? Any colors, any shapes, tastes?

Surprisingly similar to white pussy. It was pretty shocking, actually, how similarly shaped and feeling it was. Well, it's the same. They're human beings, Ari. How dare you? But then it got weird when she snored, and it was like, oh, so manly. And then I had trouble after that. No, no, no, no, no.

It was such a manly way to sleep. Watching your dick go into that pink hole, though, with the contrast with the black is such a cool sight, though. It really is. Like, if you have a darker one, because they are just bright pink inside. Like a pink starburst. If you have a darker one. This is not what women want to hear.

These are not the kind of things that women want to hear. It's like a blackened steak with a medium rare inside. Yeah, exactly. Inside, pink. So good for you. Thanks. Adding diversity to your exactly broadening my horizons i think a lot of people would salute you for that yeah i'm also dating chicks a little bit too yeah yeah it's weird why is that weird it's hard right yeah to go on like

full dates and like let's just try to explore you as a person instead of like you get bored try to get laid it just just seems like, fuck. What are you doing? The conversations you're having? Yeah, in my head. I'm like, come on, let's just go back and fuck. Wow. Before you have. No, I don't say that out loud.

That's what I think. But that's what you think. You don't really want to talk to them. You just want to fuck them. Yeah, so I want to get to the point where I'm like, no, let's enjoy a new human and fucking enjoy them for a minute. So you're trying to mature. Yeah, maybe.

To find women that you actually like as people and not just as sexual partners. Yeah. But if you get some just purely sexual partners, then you can do that. Then you can afford to explore with a woman. That's true. Once your needs are met, which are many,

your biological needs. Your biological needs, yeah. Yeah, that's a weird thing where you're supposed to not be able to say that. But a woman is allowed to say that. If a woman says that, you know, hey, I take these men and I let them know, look, I'm here to fuck. Okay? I'm busy. I've got a career.

You can fuck me. And then when you're done, you've got to go home. A man's not going to argue with that. A guy would be like, okay. But if a guy says that, it's like, you fucking asshole. Yeah. Could you imagine if there was a hot woman who ran a business or something like that? Whatever.

She makes fucking sculpture. She doesn't have any time, but she needs to get laid. So she says, listen, Ari. Here's the deal. OK? I like you. I think you're hot. I want to fuck.

But I don't want you being my boyfriend. I don't want you hanging around. You can't sleep over. And don't ever fucking tell me what to do. OK? But if you want no strings attached, come over and fuck me. I'll suck your dick, and we'll have a good time. And then when we're done, you leave.

You'd be like. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'll do it for you. Okay. Okay. You'd be like, yes!

Yes. I found her! The unicorn. I knew she was out there. I knew she was out there. You know, I was having this discussion with one of my wife's friends who happens to be gay. And they were talking about the difference between two gay guys, like, hooking up.

Yeah. Gay guys meeting and hooking up. And a guy and a girl meeting and hooking up. Yeah. But a guy and a girl trying to figure out how much yin are we going to have in this? How much yan? Yeah. They're all fighting for a position.

Who's going to be in control here? Setting it up. Is the girl going to tell you what to do and answer your phone for you? Or is she going to leave you alone and let you be you? Are you going to leave her alone? Are you going to let her wear whatever she wants and not get fucking weird with her? What's going to happen here? Are you going to say, you're really going to go out with that skirt?

You're really going to go out with that skirt? For real? Oh, my God. It's down to my knees. It's not to your fucking knees. It's not to your knees. It's not to your knees, okay? I see your legs.

God, do you really need that much attention? You know, there's that, there's that dude, and then there's people that are like, oh, you look hot, baby, have fun, have a good time. Who are you going to be? And what's she going to be happiest with? What are you going to be happiest with? You're deciding that early on.

Yeah, it's also finding someone who's like brings out the best in you oh yeah like sometimes you could have relationships that bring out the worst in you you like hate who you are fighting the initial leaning forward leaning forward it's so not necessary for any of us to do it's just not you know any of us that are involved in altercations like so much of it is both people's responsibility. There's a dance going on when two people are communicating with each other, and a lot of times we're shitty dance partners.

Yeah, sometimes I feel like telling people, look, it's nobody's fault, but you guys are never going to work because you just entered into this too much. You're just too fighty. It's also some people like it, man. That's a source of drama in their life. They don't even realize it. It's completely subconscious, but they like to duke it out. people like it, man. That's a source of drama in their life. They don't even realize it.

It's completely subconscious, but they like to duke it out. They like it. I fucking hate it. I don't like it with anybody. I don't like it with friends. I don't like it with girlfriends. I don't like it with anyone in business. I don't like it with other comics.

I don't like it, man. It's not fun. I would way rather be friendly with everybody. Yeah. Well, it's way easier that way it is way easier it's it makes everybody feel nicer but there's moments man where you'll run into people you're like god damn it i gotta fucking like defend my position here i gotta like stay afloat here like i gotta go dude shut the fuck up and leave me alone like there's a moment where you

have to like say something or be uh like assertive with. Just get them to fucking leave you alone. There's people that just don't get it. They will just fuck with you until the end of time. They're just so goofy and clunky. They just don't get it. I had an argument once at a party. This guy was trying to tell me that the UN rapes children in Africa. Rapes them?

Yeah, he was telling me that they rapes them for apples. That's what he was saying. What? It was the dumbest conversation. Wait, he rapes them so other people give them apples for, he was telling me that they raped them for apples. That's what he was saying. What? It was the dumbest conversation. Wait, he rapes them so other people give them apples for, like, job well done? They're giving them apples to fuck them, he was saying. It was like they raped them for apples. He was saying it was rape.

The guy was just such a douchebag. He was a country music guy who wound up getting arrested for cocaine dealing. He's, like, a singer in this really terrible country music band that my friend knew yeah and he was like i'll just shut down that loud pro rah rah american guy but in the most idiotic way possible and uh you know he was they were talking about you know like the united states what they're doing over in afghanistan and this and that and he was just going on about the un raping people for apples. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, how can you...

First of all, if you give someone an apple, it's prostitution. It's not rape. If you give them an apple and you fuck... Yeah, it's unfortunate, but it's... It's not the best prices in the world. Rape you with an apple. Unless you're fucking someone with an apple,

you're not really raping them for apples. Unless it's a MacBook Pro, that's a pretty good deal. Yeah, if you can get a MacBook Pro, all you have to do is just fuck one guy. That seems like a really good post. One techie. Yeah. I mean, whatever it was, it wasn't just that. It was just the way this guy was

just so aggressive with me. It was just like such a point, and he put his hands on me, like on my shoulder, and said oh, it's okay. Like, look at me in the eye, saying it's okay. I understand. You just hate America. I understand. Oh, so dismissive. When people get dismissive, it's okay like looking me in the eye saying it's okay. I understand you just hate America. I understand Oh, I'm so dismissive when people get dismissive. It's like fuck you I was like dude get your fucking hands off me like and that's when it turned ugly I was like you got to get your fucking hands off me. Don't touch me dude. Don't touch me and talk crazy

So you hate America? Well, he had escalated it to not just that I hate America But that he was gonna like do some weird alpha shit to me and like hold on to me you know it was really gross that does that does push it up a level when somebody touches you or like like pats you in the head it was a long time ago by the way it was a long time ago who knows if i would have ever even entered into that conversation today i don't think i would i think today i'm much more skillful in the art of evading nonsense i would have known what it was. Possible upside? None.

None. I would have known. But back then, I would be like, fuck this guy. He fucking touched me. You know, it was like I was ready to kill him. It was the most ridiculous guy ever. Like those people in your show. You'll run into them, man.

Oh, some of the sci-fi people? No, the people yelling, shut the fuck up. It's like it's on now. It's like you didn't have to say that. Oh, the people at the comedy show. Yeah. Yeah. Well,

you know, the only way to know that you shouldn't go too far is to see the results of going too far either by yourself or other people. When he gets in those arguments, I'm like,

Greg, you could have just walked away and you wouldn't even remember Greg's ready to fight everybody. Yeah. He's ready to fist fight people. He's very competitive too. When I did Doug Loves Movies

in San Diego, it was me and Greg Fitzsimmons and he took it as a game and he thought I wasn't taking it serious enough. He could tell competitive, too. When I did Doug Loves Movies in San Diego, it was me and Greg Fitzsimmons, and he took it as a game. And he thought I wasn't taking it serious enough. He could tell immediately, like, no, man, we're in a game right now. I was like, holy shit. Yeah, he plays good pool. They kicked me out of my apartment because I let him stay in my apartment while I was in Australia.

And they're like, no sublets. I'm like, it's not a sublet. It's just a friend of mine. He needs a place to stay, so I'm just letting him stay there. They're like, no, it's not allowed. I'm like, I'm going to keep doing that because it's my friend. I can do that. And she left me a note if I can get out.

That's ridiculous. Yeah. How can they do that? It wasn't an official eviction. It was just like, we suggest you leave. Why? Because I don't know. I think she had a really good heart on for people subletting or something.

I don't get it. People are weird with their confrontations. I mean, some of them are necessary, but there's guys like Eddie Ift. He's a perfect example. That motherfucker, every time you talk to him, he's got some new story. He's got a new fight with somebody. So we're out in the parking lot, and I'm like, fuck you, and fuck you, and fuck you. You guys want to go?

Let's go right now. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Why did it get to there? You're fighting in a parking lot in the middle of the night, and everyone's drunk? He hangs out with people that are like that also. Really? There's also this Chris Wilde guy, I don't know if you know him or not, who's

fighting with Tony Hinchcliffe right now on his show. They're battling out. On what show? What do you mean by battling? Eddie has a show, Talking Shit or whatever it's called now. There's a guy that's always on the show called Eddie Ift. Eddie Ift is our friend. Not Eddie Ift, but Chris Wilde.

Tony was on the show also with this guy didn't know him just thought he was a friend of his and then I guess what happened is the Wild guy

was kind of mad that Tony didn't know who he was or kind of upset or something and then it kind of went back and forth on the show

but now I guess he's just Chris Wild won't let it drop and has been like tweeting things to Tony and stuff and just I don't know if you know Chris Wild or not no I don't know has been tweeting things to Tony and stuff. I don't know if you know Chris Wilde or not.

No, I don't know him, but who cares? He used to have a TV show. I don't know what the fuck happened. I can't really comment. I don't know what the specifics of it were, but I'm on team Tony Hinchcliffe always. All day. Who's that chick over there? That's Rosa Parks, son.

That's Rosa Parks? Yeah. With the yarmulke. I don't think that's a yarmulke. She's so light-skinned. She's more light-skinned than Jimi Hendrix. It's like that as light as you fucked? It's hard to tell in that photo. No, I went a little darker than that.

Black and white photo. So is the Hendrix photo. It's a black and white photo. That's Toronto. He got busted for heroin, son. Had heroin. I went to visit his childhood home in Vancouver. They have a small shrine to him.

Really? Yeah. Jeff Ross and Big Jay Oakerson went there one year. Imagine that. Dude died at 27, 28 years old. Was he 27 or 28? 27. 27?

27 years old and he's got a shrine. Yeah. Where's your shrine, bitch? I don't have a shrine. How come you ain't got no shrine in D.C.? It's a good question. It's a good question. That should be your goal.

A lot of people want HBO specials. You should have a fucking shrine. I want a shrine. An Ari Shafir shrine. Ari the Great was born here. Shrine. Ari the Great escaped from the mediocrity of his mother's pussy. Right here.

I should just make my own shrine. Why not? At Manhattan Hospital. You could write it. If you ever read someone's bio on their website you know they wrote it themselves and it makes you want to fucking throw up

my friend Avi Lerner lives in a part of like near Washington D.C. where people have historic houses things and he just made one up a made up of historic houses

yeah it was like a stop on the underground railroad or like something like that he just made it up did he apply for it like it made it a real I don't know exactly

how he did it if he like went to the city I'm like this happened here so if he could get a plaque or if he just bought a plaque and stuck it there oh okay probably mostly bought a plaque right it would be really hard to like pass that through the city to tell him like yeah they'd be like wait a minute unless you were like super yeah it was like some writer stayed here when he was visiting well there's probably a bunch of places that do kind of qualify for that like for instance like um

stephen king has a house in in maine in bangor maine yeah and like that house should be a historical house in my opinion writing there and setting it there not just that like that was his house for so long and it's like he's got these wrought iron gates that have these bats on them and shit it's a really dope ass house and it's in the middle of this town of Bangor, Maine. And everybody knew about it. And he's such a legendary writer that that house to me is like that's like an iconic house. So you'd put like a historic preservation on there.

Yeah, make it a fucking museum. Stephen King fans could come in and see this is the desk that he actually wrote some of his novels at. I love those little museums across the country. That would be dope, dude. I'll tell you, man, if they did that, they would pay for that house

a dozen times over. Just let people go and see. Fuck yeah. I would pay. If I was in Boston and I knew I could fly up and just check out the desk where Stephen King wrote The Shining,

oh, fuck yeah, I would look at that thing. Wow. I just want to be in the room. This is where he wrote Cujo and he didn't remember it. Soak it in? Yeah, this is where... What do you mean he didn't remember it. Soak it in? Yeah, this is where, you know.

What do you mean he didn't remember it? He did so much coke and drank so much booze, he didn't even remember writing it. Stephen King did coke? Oh my God, did he do coke. Wow. Stephen King was a maniac. Wow, he just jumped up so many cool points. He would smoke cigarettes, do massive amounts of coke, and drink beer.

And he would drink like 16, 17 beers a night and just write until he blacked out and then fall asleep and they get up in the morning and coke it up and just do it again yeah he was a maniac Wow yeah who Joe frothing at the mouth dog doesn't remember any of it oh yeah he was Cujo who knows I mean I'm sure there was some analogies in there somewhere between a lot of his demons and the actual demons he was experiencing by being an addict but he was getting addicted to i heard his on writing or whatever the book is it's great it's like it hurts amazing it's great yeah i've got two copies of it because i lose one oh wow yeah it's really good it's really good it's it's he's an he's a master to me you know and uh a master uh of a

specific type of that genre was him yeah well it's a specific type of... Oh, that genre was him. Well, it's a specific type of entertainment that I really enjoy. Like, complete fantasy. Yeah. Vampires and demons and spaceships with aliens. And I love that shit. I love it. I love the short stories. Yeah.

I love all that stuff. I'm a huge, huge Stephen King fan. To me, he's like... He made the world a cooler place. Yeah. He made the world a place with the movie Carrie, with the book Carrie, with Christine, that movie about the haunted car.

That was a fucking great movie, man. He wrote that book, too, which is even better than the movie. Yeah, Christine was. A lot of them were. He was just, the books are too long. There's too much detail. You would like to have seen it all in the movie, but it's impossible.

The movie's got to be two hours or whatever. They got a lot of shitty actors in a lot of those movies, though. Like Salem's Lot much detail. You would like to have seen it all in the movie, but it's impossible. The movie's got to be two hours or whatever. They got a lot of shitty actors in a lot of those movies, though. Like Salem's Lot. Yeah. They got a lot of like, let's just do this for 40 grand. Yeah. Well, I think Salem's Lot was for television. I think that was a made for television.

Oh, God. That was a bad one. That was a bad one. Was Salem's Lot made for television? I think it was. Yes. Then there was the Silver Bullet movie, the silly werewolf movie. Oh, yeah.

With Corey Haim, remember? Oh, yeah. um then there was the silver bullet movie the silly werewolf movie yeah uh cory haim remember oh yeah but then he also wrote fucking stand by me yeah which is so out of his genre yeah yeah now he could write anything man yeah he could write anything he's a bad motherfucker dude and then he followed those uh those uh uh minor not minor league Scout baseball players, what are they called? It's the Little Leagues. He followed one and started writing articles with them, and they went all the way to the Little League World Series. Really? While he was following them, writing about them.

Oh, I didn't know about this. From Bangor. The Bangor main team went to the Nationals or something. Oh, and he was writing in their local paper about them? Yeah, just following them along that season. That's so crazy. Yeah. Well, it must be awesome for those guys.

Well, he can do whatever he wants. He can do whatever he wants, man. He doesn't have to apologize so crazy. Yeah. Well, it must be awesome for those guys. Well, he can do whatever he wants. He can do whatever he wants, man. He doesn't have to apologize to anything to anybody. Yeah, he's an interesting cat, Stephen King, for sure. And he's really, like, giving in the way he communicates, like, his ideas. You should have him on your podcast. I would love to. I would love to.

He's interesting in the way he, like, communicates, you know, how he goes through his process. He's super honest about it. And he's one of the rare guys that doesn't have like a setup like story in his head he like has these characters and he has this idea that he starts with and they just goes he just starts writing he just starts writing almost like goes into this crazy trance and and and constructs this world and then you get sucked into it and then you read it after he's done with it and you're like holy shit you know he just brings it out of nowhere it's not like like we had uh scott sigler on the podcast who's a really cool guy and a very very good writer as well but he has a totally different approach scott sigler's approach is he knows exactly where he's going he

knows where it's going to end he knows where this is going to happen and get changed up he knows this and then he has to just sort of fill it in and figure it out. The details. Yeah. And make it to his liking. But he's very systematic about it. And we were talking about Stephen King's approach

that he just lets it go. And I go, ah, you know, I just don't do it that way. I couldn't do it that way. But for him, obviously it worked. But Sigler's a great writer, too. I mean, his way works, too. There's no right or wrong way to do it. Yeah.

Do you write like that? Do you, like, say, I want to write a joke about driving a car? No, I'll toss things over my head. I'll write a note in my notebook, and then, like, when I look to see what jokes I should do on stage tonight or whatever, I'll keep passing that note. I'll keep thinking about it. And then when I'm driving or when I'm on the subway, I'll keep thinking over it and then I'll just do it on stage. So you don't actually sit in front of the computer.

Do you try that? I've tried it. I've done it before, but it's never really stuck. I just kind of think things out in my head. I just let my mind wander. I think you should write blogs. I think you would have some fucking hilarious blogs, dude. And it gives you... The thing about writing blogs is it gives you an

opportunity to spend a lot of time thinking about a subject. Because in the time that it takes you to write it and type it out. You have to think a lot more. You're thinking a lot more. Yeah. And you're thinking a lot more in the containment of a particular subject. It's forcing you to actually do the thinking. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's forcing you to focus on one particular subject too. And sometimes just that extra focus is all you need to get that extra path that you take off that bit like you know sometimes you find a bit like i don't know if it's this way for you but for me it is at least i'll have an initial direction and then along the way i realize that's not the right direction right the right direction is one of the other tag lines and then i'll go towards that just dies turn yeah totally turns it on its head yeah totally turns it on its head. Yeah, just inspires something else. Yeah, totally turns it on its head. I find that those take place more when I sit down and write things.

Oh, really? Like completely write things. Yeah, because I give myself more paths. Like say if you're talking about lava lamps, whatever. Okay. And you're going on a lava lamp path. While you're on that path and you're writing it out, instead of just thinking about it in your head, when you're forced to actually mash those keys and form a sentence in the correct way, like you're going to read it to somebody.

Oh, that Shrivner? Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty dope. What's that? It's a writing software program. It has, like, note cards. You can't see it. It's a cork board with index cards on it, but a virtual cork board.

And you can put your notes on those virtual cork boards. Oh, that's good. Evernote sucks. Yeah. Well, I like Evernote because it lets me sync up. They don't lose stuff for me. They lose stuff.

They lose stuff for you? Yeah. Really? I've never- It's been written about. They lose stuff for you, too. Really? Yeah.

It's been written about online? Yeah. Ooh, that's not good. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. Never. Yeah. I think more people would benefit from blogs. That's why I've written some of my best stuff.

So I'm going to start going back into blogs. I'm going to commit to one blog a week. Really? Yeah. And then what? You won't mind doing material out of your blogs? Nope. I don't mind doing that because it becomes an idea.

Like it's an idea in the blog and then it becomes a bit. A full thing. Well, it's either that or you don't get the blogs? Nope. I don't mind doing that because it becomes an idea. It's an idea in the blog and then it becomes a bit. A full thing. Well, it's either that or you don't get the blogs. It's like, I think people like to read things and I think that some of them

are never going to go to see my stand-up. Super fans will get to see the germinations of these ideas. And if you don't like it, that's okay. I get it. I mean, I've heard people

complain about subjects that we talk about on the podcast that eventually wind up But it's like, that's what's on your mind. The problem is, that's what's on your mind. So I'm going to do it on stage what's on my mind. The problem is that's what's on your mind, so I'm going to do what's on stage

what's on my mind. It's also the problem that some people are just annoying cunts that like to complain about shit, and they get to talk too. Everybody gets to talk. It's one of the beautiful things about the internet, and one of the annoying things about the internet. Even people that are not thoughtful, that are

all fucked up, and really hypercritical and annoying and not rational about it, they get to talk too. There's a guy who was a video game guy that just quit social media. Cliffy B. Quit his Twitter. No, it wasn't Cliffy B. It was another guy. He's famous for making youtube videos and there was this thing that they were uh

going over his uh career and uh his his like constant battling with people on these social network sites and when people would say mean things about him he couldn't help it he had to respond he would get involved in these crazy fights and then he had started having his uh employees handle his trigger for him and that relieved him of his a little bit of his anxiety then he got to a point where he's like, I can't fucking do it anymore. I'm going crazy. I have real health problems from the stress of this. When you start looking for that shit and reading that shit

and getting into that shit, it can fuck with your head, man. If you do something that people don't like and they all start attacking you for it, attacking you as a human being and trying to hurt your feelings, it's not just one. There's like 20 of them in a day. What was that about, though? What is what about?

Those people doing that? No. Why did you say that? Oh, because this guy did that. He quit. He quit all his social media. To get away from it. Yeah.

He just couldn't take it anymore. He makes his living off his YouTube channel. I mean, he's got this huge YouTube channel. Like, people, like millions and millions of subscribers. And he's got a huge, you know, huge Twitter following,

hundreds of thousands of Twitter people. Deleted it all. Yeah. Because he just couldn't take it anymore. Good for him. It's his life.

I know. It is his life. But it's interesting. Like that battle, you know, with the criticism and negative people online. I released that,

I released that, I was worried. But I released my album online with commentary. I put it on my podcast. Why were you worried? released that. I was worried, but I released my album online with commentary. I put it on my podcast. Why were you worried? Well, because I was worried

that someone would say, the only worry was like someone was going to say like, oh, this is just lazy because he didn't want to do another podcast episode this week. And that first comment was, lazy.

I'm like, motherfucker. But that was the only one. But it was like the first one. I was like, god damn it. You can't listen to those people. Those people are shitheads. Yeah. You can't tell me that I'm supposed to be. It bothers me though. If somebody tells me like, God damn it. You can't listen to those people. Those people are shitheads. Yeah. You know,

you can't tell me that I'm supposed to be. If somebody tells me like, oh, I saw this joke last time or whatever, it's like, it just bothers me. Well, you need to let them know,

look, I'm working on jokes and the only way to work on jokes is you got to do them more than once. Yeah. A bit is never finished unless it's done 20, 30,

50, depending on the bit. I mean, it's got to be done a lot of times. You have to do it on stage and perform it and tweak it and move it around. If you think that you go to see me in this town and then you go to see me in another town

and it's going to be a totally different act a month later, it's not possible. I need to work on that stuff. A lot of my stuff that I've released in the past, I wish I'd worked on it more. I wish I'd spent more time going over it. That requires new people to come i guess yep well it also requires you have to do it on stage you know i had everlast on the podcast yesterday we were talking about the difference between

writing a song and writing a joke like i've never made a joke without the help of other people because every joke i make it has to be done in front of an audience and they let me know what's working it's a it's a combined effort it just is i can't i mean i'll write some good ideas that'll every joke I make, it has to be done in front of an audience, and they let me know what's working. Yeah. It's a combined effort. It just is. I can't, I mean, I'll write some good ideas that'll work the first time I get on stage, but they get better when you do them in front of an audience and you figure them out.

And you gotta take chances. You gotta do them this way, and you gotta move the punchlines. And Tel's really good at that, changing, like, an order real quick. Let me examine each of these a bunch of different ways. You never know, man. Sometimes you nail one and it's just the perfect way to say

and you can't believe you used to say it another way before yeah Paul's right and some suck man you know Chris Rock famously talks about his

one of his greatest bits of all time you know that bit that I love black people and I hate niggers yeah remember that bit one of the

that's one of the all time classic he certainly did but it's one of the alltime classic comedy bits it's just a brilliant bit well he said that that bit bombed louis ck told me this he said that the bit bombed for like a year really couldn't get it to work right and then finally he figured out how to get it right he figured just figured out how to do it right but he believed in it he believed in the premise so he chased the premise down until he got to a point where it was just a weapon you know and then when by

the time I was on his special it's just flawless that bit that bit so classic it's a legendary bit legendary yeah but that's a perfect example of like legacy but you can't do that if you want to hear the same jokes every week or same you ain't what rather you want to hear the same jokes every week. Or rather, you want to hear new jokes every show. Because you're never going to get to that level. Dude, it was really great going in New York. We're going to do four, five, six spots a night. And if you work on one bit and you do one, you get that feeling of like,

oh, I was a little dead in the middle there. It wasn't enough laughs. But then usually I wait 24 hours before attacking it again. I sort of forget. This time, it's 40 minutes later. I'm doing it again. I'm like, oh, it's still weak in the middle there. So then on the subway, I'm like, I've got to write something.

And then you don't. It's still weak in the middle. The next thing you do, and then you're like, well, that was okay. Maybe that'll work. You try something else. And by the end of the night, you're like, I've fixed this up a little bit. You know? Yeah.

It was almost like a dilapidated house. So you're like, I've done some work on it now. Sometimes when I'm in a bit that's not really working, I try to think of myself, like when I'm writing especially, I try to think of myself as instead of making a bit, instead of trying to turn it and figure out a way to make a bit, just figure out a way to just express what's going on and what you're talking about.

What is actually going on? Add a bunch of shit to it that's not necessarily in the writing aspect of it. Like write a bunch of shit out. Talk about the whole thing. Read, whatever the subject is. Describe the building or whatever. Describe what emotions you were having. Describe how embarrassed you felt.

Describe why you were embarrassed. Add a bunch of shit you know you're never gonna say on stage. A bunch of shit, like go way too far. And then look at it and go, and just start cherry picking. And then go, oh, this makes sense. If I could cut that out and go right to this. And you'll sometimes, and just start cherry picking. And then go, oh, but this makes sense. If I could cut that out and go right to this. And you'll sometimes, you just give yourself more.

Yeah, by going too far. My acting teacher would tell us that if people weren't going even close to far enough, they'd be like, why did you cheat on me? He was like, you're not going far enough. I'm pretty upset. It doesn't look like that. And he would always go, just do it like 10 times too much. Just for argument's sake. Let me just see that.

And people would do it. He goes, okay, pull that back like 3%. Like you're just barely over the line. Right. Like that's where you should be. You got to take chances, and people don't want to take chances. And that's one of the things that is the hallmark of bad acting. Yeah.

It's people that don't really want to dive into and become someone else. They're still clinging on to who they are. What are you talking about? You're not even going in there. Yeah. They don't even know how to be. I noticed Freddie would do that. When he would, like, really do his dad getting exasperated, he would lift his hand all the

way up over his head, like, why are you doing this? Right. And you see, like, new open micers trying something similar, and their hand would come up to about their side. They'd be like, why are you doing that? Yeah. They just didn't have the guts to stick with it, to just go for it. There's a commitment.

Because it's so foolish if you fail like that. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. It's way more foolish. Oh, we've all done that. We've overcommitted to bits and tried to pump them up, and they're just dull. Dull shit. Yeah. You know that feeling, Brian?

You know what I'm talking about. You're in the middle of a bit, and you're really working it, and you're like, oh, my God, I can't even get out of this bit. Yeah. It's usually the dolphin one when people start going, oh. Like women get disgusted about it or something. Yeah. Not the dolphin one, I'm sorry, the stripper one.

Oh, that's even more, yeah. Well, what are they going to do? It's not for everybody. Some people like bluegrass. It sucks because that story is like 10 minutes long. Yeah. Once you start when you realize the whole crowd is not that into it, you're like, oh, I really should have stopped. Well, I found a way out of it though lately.

Yeah, that's sometimes an important part of like not doing well with a bit too is that it shows other paths. Yeah. Well, also I like doing it for crowds. I like doing bits for crowds. I'm mixed between either putting on the best show or doing bits that I think this crowd won't like to see if I can make it work here. You know what I mean? Right, right, right. If it's a real dark joke and there's a real conservative crowd. I could do my more conservative jokes, but I

sort of rather work on this in front of these people. Working this really harsh thing in front of these people. That's why I like going to Australia and Switzerland and Amsterdam and doing shows in other countries. I want to know what parts of these really work in different environments. Wow. And Comedy on State has a Thursday night college

night. So it's all college students. You know, 250 of them. So it's all college students, you know, 250 of them. So it's like, yeah, let me see how they relate to this. Right, right. College kids are a different thing, man, because when you do like colleges, one of the things you realize almost immediately is how little experience a lot of them have in life. Like a lot of them are coming from their parents' houses, their protected environments of their home,

to a dorm with a bunch of savage, hormonally charged teenagers just sticking things inside their bodies all day. Whether it's needles or dicks or just fucking and doing drugs and getting crazy. I mean, people are getting crazy. You remember how much fucking you did when you were in college? Zero. Oh, no. I barely won. You didn't do any fucking?

Oh, that's right. You were a virgin religiously, for religious purposes. Yeah, but then I dropped the religion. I still was just waiting for the right girl. The right girl to love. Kate Hicks. I saw that you added that to your phone, your email list.

Unless you're Kate Hicks. I had to tell her about my new email address. I said, if I haven't talked to you in a long time, we're enemies. Don't take this as a sign. You should get in touch with me again. Unless you're kidding. Unless you're kidding. Yeah.

Do you know where she is now? In Baltimore somewhere. Yeah. She's doomed. Are you friends with Facebook? No, she won't be friends with me at any of those things. She's doomed.

She's doomed. She can't get the Ari's dick anymore. I know. She's doomed. That's what it is. She's terrified. Is she the one that got away? Crying in Baltimore.

She's one of them, yeah. There's like five that got away. Thinking about the Ari dick. Yeah. Yeah. I got away? Crying in Baltimore. She's one of them, yeah. There's like five that got away. Thinking about the Ari dick. Yeah. Yeah, I got away every time. You're the one that always got away? Well, I mean, I definitely got dumped. I've definitely been dumped.

But when I got dumped, I got away. I realized after the show. You're the one who got away. I'm like, whoa, I got away. Wow, thank God. But I was a maniac, too. Don't get me wrong. They got away as well.

It's not like either one of us wasn't goofy. I love when you can both look back and be like, whoa, we both got out of that. Yeah, what were we doing? Wow. You got to be careful, though. I'm so wrong for you. You're so wrong for me. You'll get into that situation where you think, you know, like, wow, maybe we were meant together.

Like, now we've gone through all our bullshit. And I tried to do that once. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, right, because you're just comfortable. A girl from when I was a teenager, we met when I was 25 and we went on a date in New York

and had a good time and went back and got a little of that in there. And I was like, wow, maybe she's the one. Holy shit. Maybe she's the one, yeah. I did it so much. Two days, it was a wreck. Maybe she's the one.

You start thinking like, well, that's another thing. To one date, like, relax. When you're young and single and you try to hang out for a weekend with someone that you barely know yeah and like a day in where you're like will you shut the fuck up like what kind of craziness are you talking and you realize like what kind of nonsense people talk amongst their friends and then you're stuck in the middle of it yeah people just squawking at you ari have you met anyone off of Tinder yet?

One girl in Melbourne I hooked up with You're not supposed to tell that fucking kiss and tell cocksucker Is Melbourne gonna know? There's not that many people They know who fucked Ari in Melbourne No it's weird You know why I like telling them more than anything? Because I went on one date in New York

And we were like made out and that was it And then another date we didn't do anything But like, it's nice to be able to reject girls that are kind of out of your league. Just to be like,

nah, you're just an eight. No thanks. Yeah, when you're saying yes or no to all these girls and they're putting their best pictures up,

you feel like your line has gone up. Wow. Because you're like, why would I take this seven and a half when I just took two nines? Wow.

And you don't have to get to match with any of them. What are we doing to humans? Are we devaluing them? I don't know. Are we breaking them down into numbers on an iPhone app?

I don't know. I don't know if it's setting us free from these societal norms that aren't really us. Definitely setting a lot of people free from the difficulty

in getting laid. I saw two hippos fucking in the zoo. Me and Simone and Pete Seawood. That has nothing to do with Tinder. Yeah. We did not meet on Tinder. It was the base level of it. It's like that old joke you had with the

lions. No like oh I wonder if my pilot is going. None of that. Just fucking. That's what Tinder is. That's the base. You like me. I like you. We like each other's looks. Let's do this. Well I think one of the things that's kept people from being more sexually liberated is that people cling when there's a shortage.

And when it's difficult to get sex, people cling to each other. When it's difficult to find partners, difficult to find lovers, and people that you enjoy being with, it's hard to meet people. When you find people, they get together and they get married real early. But when people get older, instead of playing musical chairs, just grabbing onto the first chair and hang on. And you get something like a Tinder or one of those little dating websites.

The books, yeah. You can just meet a bunch of new people and then find who you actually like. And then you realize they're just meeting a bunch of people too. Yeah. And everybody's just meeting. And it's easy to meet people. We're all here to meet. It's like first day at dining hall of the fucking college.

Everyone's like, hi, how are you? Yeah. And if it becomes not hard to get a date, that eliminates a lot of the stress. Bobby Lee said it changed his life. Really? He said because the thing he was worried about most was rejection, unnatural fear of it.

But this takes that out. They've already said, yeah, I'm interested. Wow, that's interesting. That's a great idea. That's a great application. I just met this girl on Tinder, and she's like, I told her my name eventually. I was like, well, online, it's Brian Redband.

And she goes, that's weird. My last name is Ban. I'm like, what? That's crazy. Oh, smash man in heaven. And then she had come to the comedy store with Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee met his girl on Tinder, brought this girl with her. And I was like, wait, I remember I was like staring you down the whole time.

And then I found a picture on Comedy Store's website of the whole patio that night. They took a picture of the patio. And I'm staring right at her, and she's staring right at me. It's a marriage made in heaven. I'm a psychic. I can tell it's in the stars. Read your tea leaves.

Her last name's Ban, though. Isn't that weird? Crazy. Did you do it with her? No, I haven't even met her yet. It's weird. Ari, come on, man. How dare name's Ban, though. Isn't that weird? Crazy. Did you do it with her? No, I haven't even met her yet. It's weird. Ari, come on, man. How dare you?

Sorry, sorry. How dare you? It's hard for me to meet people off Tinder because it's like- It's a very weird situation. Even once you say the first move, it's like, hi. Yeah. So we might want to touch each other. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it gets tricky. It gets real tricky. You got to think about what you're doing. Getting together, you might fuck some stranger. It gets real tricky. You got to think about what you're doing. Getting together. It gets real tricky when you show up and you're like, there were about 30 pounds

that weren't represented in those photos. What do you do then? Yeah, my bit. What do you do then? You just enjoy the date and then you get, at some point you're like,

you know what? I don't get shit anymore. You're looking sexy. Whoa! Ari Shaffir. That's why you got to do some research before you go. You take a screenshot of it,

cut out the picture, upload it to Google Image Search and it'll show you her Facebook page. Oh my God, Brian. Too crafty. Wow. Too crafty. Jesus.

I just found out this girl that I met, she has a podcast on a other podcast network. I don't know if I should tell her or not, because we've been talking back and forth. What the fuck? Is something wrong with her having a podcast? Yeah, I just don't like the network. So what? Slumber party with Allie and Georgie. Let all that shit go.

Don't tell people online who it is, you fucking knucklehead. You want to ruin your life already? It's either Allie or Georgie. You got to learn how to keep secrets, you fuck. I'm not going to probably never meet this girl. Oh, but you might. You might. You might become besties.

I become besties. Yeah, man. You know, I really resent that idea that other podcasters have to be against each other. No, we're all on the same team. It's just against them. Not even talking about your situation, but when the Stitcher Awards came out, we won best overall podcast. Congratulations. But what I was shocked by was one of the other fucking podcasts,

I've never even heard of them. They might be the nicest guys ever, but their sound guy or something instigated some fucking hate campaign against us. Really? Yeah, to tweet me and say a bunch of mean shit to me. It was like a swarm of it. I was like, wow, this is hilarious. Guess what?

You can light whatever podcast you want. You don't have to be mean to the people that other people like. Who gives a shit? Your podcast can't be that good if that's the way you think. If you really think that way, your podcast has got to be filled with some nonsense. Like when David Cross hated Larry the Cable Guy and David Cross' stand-up was garbage?

Yeah, that didn't work out so well. That was a ridiculous thing. Like, come on, man. You know what he's doing. He's doing a character. Like the idea that this character is like... It's for yokels. What do you care?

It's ruining the fabric of society because it's racist. No, it's not. That fabric was already done. Racist. Yeah, that was the argument that Larry the Cable Guy is racist. Really? Yeah, that was a big part of it. This xenophobic fear of foreigners. You know, towelhead talk. You know, that Larry the Cable Guy is racist. Really? Yeah, that was a big part of it, this xenophobic fear of foreigners,

you know, towelhead talk, that kind of shit. I don't know, man. There's other shit to be worried about in this world, you know? That weird thing where people get mad at other people for being successful or get mad at other people for winning an award or get mad at other people for producing something that you haven't produced something. Yeah, I'd say if you want to piss a comic off, oddly tell him he's your second favorite

comic. People will get angry. I'm like, it's still really good. Of all the comedians, you're number two? That's awesome. That's hilarious. Whoa, who do you like better? Yeah.

That's so mad. That's so true. Yeah. Well, we're all fucked up in some way, or at least we come into it fucked up, and hopefully we balance out somewhere along the trip. If you want to piss off a girl, here's what you do. You call her and say, close your eyes and come outside right now, and then watch how disappointed they'll get, because women think they just deserve free things.

Others assume you got them a present. That's not nice. No, it's not nice. All right, Shafir, these are terrible ideas. You got to vet these out with me. Call me up next time you think about doing something like that. What are you going to do? What's the benefit of that?

Are you just going to laugh? Ha, ha. You get nothing. You get nothing but dick. You want some dick? You don't? Tough. Somebody else does.

Look at Tinder. Look at my phone. Fuck you. I'm free. I'm free. Tinder's weird. Every high schooler has one. So free. What's that? Every high schooler has one. So free.

What's that? Every high schooler has one. A Tinder? I'm sure they do. Every college person has one. They're on a goddamn rampage. Kids today are fucking with an ease and a pace that we've never experienced before. That's why it's good that they have that HPV vaccination.

It's very important. They can shoot that in them, and then they can shoot loads at each other and not worry about that. Oh, yeah. Anyone under 26, right? Something like that? Anybody young that's going to have sex can shoot loads at each other Oh yeah anyone under 26 right Anybody young That's gonna have sex should get that vaccine Oh yeah But that vaccine apparently

With some folks has had Given them adverse reactions I don't know some people You know it's like any other medication Some people just don't know they just get sick Some people get sick from it Vaccinations are tricky You know Chandra's dad got Lyme disease Some people just don't know. They just get sick. Some people get sick from it. Vaccinations are tricky.

You know, Chandra's dad got Lyme disease. That's a case? Yeah, from a lot. They had a vaccination for Lyme disease. But for a small percentage of the population that had a particular gene set up, they would get Lyme disease from the vaccination. Wow. It's fucked up.

The poor guy got Lyme disease from a vaccination for Lyme disease. It wasn't a lot of people that got that, but it was enough that they pulled it from the vaccination. Wow. It's fucked up. The poor guy got Lyme disease from a vaccination for Lyme disease. It wasn't a lot of people that got that, but it was enough that they pulled it from the market. Whoa, God. Do you see what's going on in Venezuela right now? Yep. It's crazy riots. Crazy riots. It's happening all over the world. Millions of people on the street protesting against their government. All over the world. Put up some of the pictures.

The Ukraine also? We'll leave on this. Venezuela's not his people. How dare you? Well, they're just tired of this fucking really shitty setup that they have in a lot of these countries. Quit cheating us wrong. Do what we want for once. Yeah.

You actually don't own us. You don't have power over us. We allow you. We elect you to positions of control. Elect you. You don't tell us what to do We tell you that you have power to do things the system is so corrupt though It's like that you can't do you apply any leaders in there. It'll always be corrupted not everyone man

But most the system will get I think well also I think people until today until this year people have been I mean until you know this this age I should say the age of the internet. People have been able to get away with shit and not get in trouble with it and not have the word spread across the country

like instantaneous. Yeah, with Ronald Reagan, I have no recollection of that. This is live video of it right now. It's turned into fire. It's cops versus...

Cops versus citizens. Oh my God. This is terrifying. This is a movie, man. Shots going off. That light. But, you know what? Otherwise.

Wow, look at this shit. This is crazy. This is live. That's live right now. Venezuela is a fucking, they're rioting. They are turning against their government. Imagine if you were living in Venezuela right now. This is the apocalypse.

They have regular cars. Everything's on fire. Guys, this is Chicago in 20 years. Everything's on fire and guns are going off. And this is the government trying to keep control of its citizens. Because they're protesting. They said, no, no, there's outlaw protests. That's the first thing they do, outlaw protests.

You can't outlaw protests, you fucks. And they start getting violent because they just want to say, don't do this. Yeah, well, you know, they're living under a totalitarian dictatorship. They're blocking Twitter. If you post pictures on Twitter, they're blocking a lot of them. Yeah. Whoa, shit. It's terrifying shit, man. Whoa. If you post pictures on Twitter, they're blocking a lot of them. Yeah. Whoa, shit. It's terrifying shit, man.

Whoa. And you know what? All these monarchs and all these kings and all these people that run countries are terrified of this kind of shit happening. All these prime ministers or whatever their title is. People in positions of power. Call them whatever the fuck you want. Did you see that?

All these people are terrified of losing this. They're terrified of losing their ability to All these people are terrified of losing this. They're terrified of losing their ability to control these people. And they get used to that feeling of power. They feel like they deserve it. The same way we were talking about earlier, like ridiculous celebrities think that everyone is supposed to kiss their ass

because they don't look at themselves. These people don't look at themselves either. They just dominate these people. I like the people who support America going into Syria or something like that. And they're like, well, we've got to do something. And my thought is, if there were dirty dishes

in the sink, you don't send a spastic toddler in there to watch it because they'll smash a bunch of dishes. And you're like, well, we can't just

leave the dishes dirty. Well, we've got to send in somebody. But that toddler's the wrong guy to send in. America's proven to have just spread death. But who else would you send in if you're going to get rid

of a dictator? We're clearly not the ones. We just spread death to every country we go into. Yeah, but if you want to... Okay, look, I don't buy what's going on in Syria. I don't buy that we need to invade Syria. I think it's a very complicated, gigantic mess. But if you're going to say that someone needed to invade Syria,

who the fuck would it be except us? We're the only real superpower in the world. But we've only made more suffering and death everywhere else we've gone. We're getting better at it, Ari. Okay? It takes like a joke. It takes a lot of practice.

You've got to keep dominating worlds for a long time before you get it right to the point you can be really nice while you're doing it. I'm doing it at peace. Ari Shafir on Twitter. A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. Follow him and respect. He will also be at the Ice House tomorrow night at 10.30 p.m.

along with Brian Redband, Tony Hinchcliffe, Duncan Trussell, and Justin Martindale. Boom, shalock, lock, boom. And Zanies is from Chicago this weekend. Yeah, go there to Chicago this weekend. Ari will be warming up for Zanies. And Zanies is a warm-up for, oh, the Verizon Theater in Dallas, Texas on March 14th. Oh, my goodness. We're going to have so much fun.

What are you doing on April 3rd? What are you doing on April 3rd? What are you doing on April 3rd? I'm in Tempe with Dio's. Boom, son. I'm in Miami, bitch. Let me just say, I would reject that anyway. I hate Miami. One of the worst cities.

How dare you? They're wonderful people. Bomb them. You creep. They're your folks. Yeah, some of them. And then Cubans and Jews just fucking with a bandit on Tinder. Chaos fucking.

Just chaos fucking. 4-18, I'm in Orlando, Florida with Joey Coco Diaz. And then 4-25 in Baltimore, Maryland, also with the master, Joe Diaz. All right, so we will see you guys tomorrow with Campbell McLaren. Campbell McLaren is the man who hired me for the very first UFC that I did, which was UFC 12 in Dothan, Alabama in 1997.

He was there from the very beginning. He'll tell some great UFC stories and he's also got some new MMA league that he's putting together. He's going to talk to us about that. Thanks to our sponsors. Thanks to NatureBox.com Good food. Yeah, it's good. It's yummy, and they're sending me some gluten-free shit this week.

Son! Oh. Get a handle on your hunger and your health. Go to naturebox.com slash rogan. That's naturebox.com slash rogan. Try it now. For your first order, 50% off by going to naturebox.com slash rogan. Go there.

Enjoy the shit out of it, you dirty freak. Hey, I'm having a 420 show at the Comedy Store. Store 20. Oh, Jesus Louises. Store 20 at 4 o'clock. The Comedy Store 420 show at 420. Ari Shafir, I doubt weed will be involved in that show. Wink, wink.

But if you do get yourself in some trouble and you need legal help, LegalZoom is not the place to go for that. But it's a place to go to for a lot of need legal help, LegalZoom is not the place to go for that. But it's a place to go to for a lot of other legal shit. LegalZoom.com. Use the code word ROGAN in the referral box at checkout for more savings. LegalZoom is not a law firm, but they can connect you with a third-party attorney and provide you with self-help services. We're also brought to you by Onnit.com.

O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word ROGAN. Save 10% off any and all supplements. Much respect, you dirty bitches. We'll see you tomorrow.