The Joe Rogan Experience - #466 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: March 10, 2014

Greg Fitzsimmons is an American stand-up comedian. He also hosts his own podcast "FitzDog Radio" available on Spotify.

I want to talk about this. So the sketch was like, it was Stan Hope, and he's at a bedside of a woman in the ICU, and he's holding her hand as she's dying, and he's sad. And then as soon as she goes, it goes flatline. He just turned, and he's got his phone, and he just starts clicking back to get the ill suitors to get another date for the weekend.

I remember that. Who came up with this sketch about people, men, who were scared to wear hip bags and fanny packs, so they have a decapisac? It's a fucking decapitated head. I think that was Brian Posehn's head. Sounds totally like Posehn. Right. And then using that as a bag.

Was it his bag? I think it was Poseidon. It was a good fucking staff, man. It was a fun fucking... Look, we just got hoodwinked. How many people have said to me after that show, like, why'd that show suck? And I freely say

that it wasn't what we wanted it to be. Well, it never should have been the man show. It should have been Joe and Doug's show. Without the stigma of it being the man show. It should have been Joe and Doug's show. Well, even then, we still would have had troubles. I learned a lot about how shows are made doing that. You can't just cooperate with a lot of people that have ridiculous ideas. And when you get involved with a show and you have an idea of what you want it to be, and then you run into people that have a fucking perpendicular idea just crashing into you, you've got to go, okay, we shouldn't be doing this together.

We shouldn't be doing this. You've got to be ready to walk away. Well, you can't walk away, though. That's the problem. When you get in, you're locked into a show. You're locked into a show. But you're fighting with producers. I remember someone crying because we wanted to have Joey Diaz

come out naked and introduce us. She was crying. She was clenching her fists and crying at me going how is that funny and I'm like how do you think it's not funny how could you think you're right back but first of all you don't think Joey Diaz knows how to be funny you're right Jerry Diaz he's one of the funniest guys that's ever walked the face of the planet and he thinks it's gonna be hilarious be hilarious. And I think it's going to be hilarious. And you're fucking crying. And it's a statement about the show.

It defines what the show is. Exactly. Don't give a fuck. Exactly. Yeah. Which is kind of what the man show was supposed to be in a way. But I don't know. There was so much baggage with people thinking they're going to reboot a show that's been on for years.

That the hosts are, you very individual guys you guys are individual guys and it just didn't make sense like it's a terrible idea it was a terrible idea also because they didn't get along with the producers when they left which was not really explained to me when i was going through the whole process i should have probably chased them down and asked them what they felt about it. But at the time, I think I just wanted to do it so bad and do it with Stanhope that I didn't just chase it down. Right. And then I felt bad about it. I had a conversation with Kim Olin.

I came onto his show and I even apologized. It's like, we shouldn't have done it. We should have done a show. Right. But these guys had a franchise, and they thought the best way to maximize this franchise is just carry on with the new host. Sort of like a lot of people don't realize The Daily Show did.

Right. The Daily Show wasn't always Jon Stewart. And it was such a different show. Totally different show. It was way more like tongue-in-cheek and snarky. Well, it was a straight-up parody of the news. Yes. And it was really just him throwing to pieces.

He did very little time at the desk. Yeah. It was a different experience, you know? And when Jon Stewart took it over, he just redefined it. I mean, that's happened a bunch of times. It's happened with the Tonight shows. It's probably going to happen again with Fallon. Well, Talk Soup was one of the ones that didn't.

They really did just bring in a new guy and do the exact same show, and it's worked. They've gone through three or four hosts, and it seems to be so- Joel McHale's the guy who's doing it now, right? Right, right. He's fucking funny, man. He's fucking funny. He's good. He's good.

He's a really good host of that shit. Yeah. And he picked up stand-up. I was talking to him about this. He was doing talk soup. He had come out of nowhere, and he had never done stand-up, so he just started going to the clubs locally, and he'd go out and feature for guys on the road. stand-up so he just started going to the clubs locally and he go out and feature for guys on the road and then within a year and a half of starting the guy was headlining fucking theaters

because the show was so big oh my god and so what he did was smartly as he showed clips of the show and he made it more of like a presentation than a stand-up hour that's smart and i think i don't know if he's still i don't know if he's crossed over more into pure stand-up now. That's smart. And I think, I don't know if he's still, I don't know if he's crossed over more into pure stand-up now, but he's one of those guys that's just naturally gifted performer. Yeah, well,

he's just a good dude, too. When you're around him, he gives you a good vibe. He's like a nice guy. Like, when he's on his set and he's doing his monologue, he's a nice guy. Right.

I think that comes, that just works, you know, and when he does stand-up, you know, just the fact that he's got the balls to do you know? And when he does stand-up, you know, just the fact that he's got the balls to do that, to do theaters after doing stand-up for a year and a half. Oh, my God, that's crazy.

I know. To headline? Who's on before you? Do they even know how to do comedy at all? All right. Because they do. You might eat fucking plates of dicks up there. Have you ever seen that?

There's very few things that are more, like, disturbing than watching someone who has only been doing comedy a year try to go on after a Joey Diaz or something like that. When Joey's slaying. You can take some Michael Richards type dude who used to have a TV show and everybody thinks of him as being funny, which is actually kind of a handicap. In that position, if you're not good, it's a handicap. If you're a really big name from Seinfeld, but you're fucking an open mic-er, that's a crazy place to be because they want you to fail. You get money for being funny, and this is what you're presenting to us?

They don't accept the fact that you're learning. Nobody wants to see a famous person learning shit. I was at the Laugh Factory this weekend, and it was a killer lineup. It was good fucking accent. There was this kid who's on a sitcom that clearly has been doing stand-up about as long as he's been doing a sitcom. And he went up there all cocky.

He spent five minutes giving me his fucking intro. And he went up there and his dick was swinging back and forth like a pendulum. The people were sitting there like dogs just watching him. Like, why would you be on this show? I've been that guy. It's the worst feeling in the world, man.

There's no feeling worse in the world. When have you been that guy? I've eaten it before. I've eaten it for sure. A hundred percent. Many times. Just fucking flatlined. Yeah.

Just missed it. Just missed it. Missed the entry. Fucked up the approach. Girlfriend problems. You know, whatever it is leading on to that show. Well, because you go all in, too. Yeah. I don't believe in what I'm saying.

But, I mean, there's comics that go up and they're likable, number one, before they're funny. So they can't bomb, which is the saddest thing in the world because the audience doesn't even get that they're not even that funny because they're likable first. You're not likable. If you do well, it's just because you're funny. I can't argue. I can't argue with what you're saying. I always said that if I didn't know with what you're saying I always said that if I didn't know me

I would swear I was a douche bag if I didn't know me if I just knew someone who had my characteristics and my jobs oh I'm the fucking

most loathsome human in the world I got a whiny voice I'm fucking I think I'm better than people people are like oh you think

you're smarter than me I'm like I really don't I think I'm a fucking idiot but I seem to have that air about me but it's part of what's funny though you know you're a than me? I'm like, I really don't. I think I'm a fucking idiot. But I seem to have that air about me. But it's part of what's funny, though. You know, you're a real comic. Like, if you and I are talking, if we just happen to be on an airplane together and some really dark shit was going on, we could start cracking each other up.

It doesn't mean we mean it. It doesn't mean we mean it. But you're going for the laugh. Right. You're, like, one of the first guys to go for the fucked up laugh in the personal conversation. You're just sitting there hanging out, eating lunch, and then you just, you'll go for the, but you don't mean it. You're a really nice guy.

I don't think people who aren't either immersed in the world of stand-up comedy or know a lot of stand-up comics, I don't think they appreciate that. Right. Well, yeah, I think that to me it's about, you're commenting on normal conversation. You're making fun of what a racist would say at any given point. Exactly, exactly. And you're being racist too.

You're also being racist. Well, because we are racist, aren't we? This is what we are, okay? We are judgmental. It's part of evolution. We're constantly assessing our environment. And sometimes we know there's shit you're not supposed to say, so we say it because it's funny. And it's also funny because there's some truth to it.

And it's fucked up that there's some truth to it. And God, I wish it wasn't true. I wish stereotypes weren't true. I wish Italians, I wish my own relatives weren't apes. I really wish they weren't savage, untrustworthy apes. But they are.

That's what they are. Watch fucking Real Housewives of New Jersey. What are you saying there? Are you saying about Italians? What are you saying? My people. My people are savages. I wish that wasn't true, but it's fucking true yeah it's hard to it's hard to fight against the italian stereotype because here's the problem with italians that there's many is that you're enamored with the fact that you're italian so you won't

evolve like every italian guy you could meet some guy from fucking the prairie prairieland midwest and if he's italian he'll go, hey, get the pasta for zoo. Because they've watched The Godfather and they've watched Sopranos and they want to sound like that because they want to be Italian. Whereas we're supposed to be all growing away from, like you're saying,

the barbaric versions of ourselves should be in the past, not perpetuated for generations. I have friends that are back East friends. I love them to death and I don't mind when they put it on. I don't mind when they do the Italian talk. A little piece of me dies inside.

Hey, I'm Irish, man. Mom, where'd the gabagool? Hey, is your mama still making the gagoosh? Giuseppe. Some of them call me Giuseppe. That's a big one. Hey, Giuseppe. It's very rare that my Jewish friends call me Giuseppe. It might them call me Giuseppe. That's a big one. Hey, Giuseppe. Hey. It's very rare that my Jewish friends call me Giuseppe. It might be Ari when he was high, but that's better.

And I've never seen an Italian guy have a solo fight. It's always a fucking group jumps in. Well, there's a herd mentality involved in being proud of what patch of dirt you're on. Right, right. That doesn't lend itself to courage. Yes. That's not the right mentality. It's not the rugged individual that takes on the itself to courage. Yes. That's not the right mentality.

That's not the rugged individual that takes on the group and wins. No, that's fucking Bobby. Believe what this guy's saying. Oh, it's Bobby. Where are you going? Bobby, what the fuck? Bobby's wearing a wire the entire time. Bobby's in the backseat of the patrol car on his way to testify.

What the fuck, Bobby? We're family over here. Hey. You gonna let this fucking shit go between us? Hey. I was wondering why we call you the rat, Bobby. Hey, and he was with Bobby the rat. That fucking cocksucker.

Who knew? He used to sit at my mama's table and eat gaga galusha. Think about it. Who is the number one most famous gangsters Of all time They're all Italian guys

They're all braggadocious Gotti types Al Capone Al Capone over here Jimmy Hoffa Fucking savages My people are criminal savages Right right

That make awesome food And know how to fuck That's it That's it Those girls Oh my god And you're good looking An Italian girl

A hot Italian girl The hottest. Who can make really good food and likes to fuck all the time. She might beat you to death in your sleep. Right. And you don't mind. It's worth it. They're fucking crazy.

They're crazy. I love Italian chicks. I grew up around dark Italian chicks. I gave up on them. Last Italian chick I dated took a swing at me. Really? Yeah. Back in the Boston days.

Right. Like, that's it. I'm good. I'm good. Can't date anybody like me.. Right. Like, that's it. I'm good. I'm good. Can't date anybody like me. Fucking animals. Well, that's it, too. You're not supposed to date within your own race.

That's proven. I married a Jew. Well, actually, she's half Irish, half Jewish. But you got to get a little away from mom. Yeah. Most likely, you have to. But it's not just the Italians that are like that. It's not just... And by the way, of course, there's a lot of

awesome shit about Italians. Don't get me wrong. And the one quarter Irish I am, I don't identify with as much because I didn't grow up with the Irish side of my family. Oh, hey, what are you doing on Sunday night? Are you around? I'm doing a St. Patrick's Day show at the Improv. I'll be back. Do you want to come down and do a quick set?

Yeah, what time is it? 8 o'clock. Okay, I'm on. Awesome. Beautiful. I'll be flying back from Texas. Jimmy Schubert's doing it. Ah, Jimmy Schubert. Yeah, I'm a little Irish. I'm a one-quarter Irish. Well, the Irish, we're the most racist of all people because we're the fairest skin. We look down on everybody.

I don't think so. Oh, fuck, man. Do you think so? Really? Do you think Irish? Well, because we came to America at the time, and the Italians came at basically the same time. So when you go to the Bronx or Boston, they fucking hate each other, and they hate everybody else.

Because we were the last ones to come over, so everybody hated us. We were the last ones to get jobs. Is that true? The Irish were the last of the immigrants? That's right. Who was the first? The first immigrants? English?

The Dutch. Dutch and English? Dutch, English, the Scandinavians. I know so little about the immigration of different cultures in this country. I always know about my own family, which was the Great Depression. My grandparents came over during the Depression. Yeah. There's a great book about Cornelius Vanderbilt,

and it kind of tracks New York in the 1800s as the waves of people came over. And it won the Pulitzer Prize. It's called The First Tycoon. My grandmother. Or The Last Tycoon. My grandmother grew up in the Depression. She was kind of insane because of it. And she used to hide things all around the house.

She'd hide money in various spots in the house. They didn't find it until after she died. Good shit did she hide? Oh, she had thousands of dollars tucked away into the walls. But the idea find it until after she died. Good shit that she had? Oh, she had thousands of dollars tucked away into the walls. But it's just, but the idea was not just that she had money.

I mean, they were very poor. Yeah. But that she had money that she had squirreled away into these weird spots all over their house. Right. It was really weird.

And did you almost not find it before you... Well, I didn't have anything to do with it. His children did. They, uh, they, when my grandfather died, I was over here. And I think that's when they started searching the house, the people that were living in New Jersey. They had some idea that she was swarming shit away?

No, no, no. They didn't know. She had had an aneurysm, and she was sick for a long time because of it. And during that time, my grandfather took care of her. And my grandfather took care of her. That's when I was staying with him. And it was a very fascinating time in my life because I had left Boston and I had moved to New York,

but I couldn't really afford to live in New York. I didn't, I had hardly any money. So I stayed with my grandfather who was living on North 9th Street, which was a really bad neighborhood in newark the next door neighbor they got a battering ram broke down his fucking door because he was selling crack and he had like an audi like next door like this is fucking newark new jersey it's a shitty spot oh shit and my grandfather was taking care of my grandmother and it was just me

and my grandfather and my grandmother it was like like one of the lowest points in my life. I had just broken up with my girlfriend. I had just torn my ACL. I knew that I needed surgery. I just moved to New York. I was completely, totally broke. And I was, you know, taking this big risk, moving to New York.

I'd signed with Sussman and I wanted to. I remember that. I was trying to get my shit together. And my grandmother, like, moans. Like, that. I was trying to get my shit together. And my grandmother like moans. Like she's hurt so bad. She can't move. She had an aneurysm 12 years ago. So she's just lying in bed like

So from the aneurysm on she was in just pain all the time. Done. Jesus Christ. She was done from the aneurysm on. They gave her 72 hours to live. She lived for 12 years. Yeah. And it wasn't a good 12 years. It wasn't a good 12 years. So your grandfather was getting zero action.

I don't know. He probably did whatever he wanted to. See? You can't even help yourself. Hey, mama. This is exactly what I was saying earlier. Hey, mama, roll it over. Put that fucking gagoosh up in the air.

Grandpa's coming in. You can hide the fucking cannolis, but you're not hiding that fucking gagoonga. The gagoosh. Hey, she's got a big hairy gagoosh. That fucking gagoosh could sink. Oh, she's got a big fucking juicy gagouche. It sings like Sinatra. With a little margaron at the end of it.

It's got a margaron at the end. That's when you know you're done, when you hit the gagouche. Oh, it's broad. When I fucking do you, you shinside of her, my brother. I don't know if she's moaning because of the aneurysm, but because I'm hitting a gagoosh. It's awful. Awful.

Poor lady. It was rough, man. By the way, my eyes can't stop watering. I got allergies. You're laughing. It's just laughing. I'm crying too, man. The gagoosh. You're laughing. Every time I laugh. It's just laughing. I'm crying too, man. It's such a douchey thing.

That Italian thing is so douchey. And I'm more offended because I know so many of those people. I'm more offended. If I was a waspy guy and I grew up in Phoenix, I wouldn't really be concentrating on these people. Right. But it's like being around like and knowing once you've escaped like oh and then you watch real housewives of new jersey like i wasn't wrong i wasn't i didn't miss this right this you people are fucking savages they're savages and i grew up

around i grew up in new york so i was my town had a lot of italians and they were fucking they were just mean to you like this one guy george spagnoli, and everybody worked at the GM plant in town. And he was just like a, he had a big chest and his fucking, he grew a mustache at like 11. And he used to just beat us up for no reason. Well, there's a lot of that is nurture too. There's a lot of savagery within the Italian community. Yeah. You know, I saw a lot of savagery within the italian community yeah you know i saw a lot of

violence when i was a kid a lot of like like father on mother violence right right being around that stuff and when you were like a really little kid and you see that kind of violence that stuff fucks with your head it's not good for you it's really bad to see like hardcore like male on female violence or even male on male like i saw my dad beat up my cousin who was like at the time i don't i can't i was five or six and i couldn't imagine him being more than like maybe 11 i'm thinking 12 13 at the most maybe 13 no he was my cousin and my dad beat him up in front of me no shit oh my god. Oh, my God. It was hard to watch. He picked him up by his hair. I'll never forget that.

He grabbed this kid by his hair, and he picked him up and threw him. Grabbed him by his hair. He was a little kid. Yeah. And it was over the kid accidentally hurting me. Okay. Like, he was older. He was, like, whatever I said, 11, something around those around.

I can't really remember totally because it was so traumatic, but he was my, my cousin that I didn't hang out with. I had my cousin, Mikey, and then Mikey had an older brother and the older brother somehow or another hurt my hand and I was crying. And so my dad came in and saw that he, and I don't remember it being on purpose, and I don't think it was, but I can't remember anything other than my dad grabbing this kid, a little kid by the hair, and picking him up and throwing him. And just, I remember some hitting. I don't remember exactly what happened. I don't remember.

But your dad had a reaction probably because of what he'd seen growing up. Because. It was just. It was dark. Well, you know what it is? It's when you see a child being hurt. Oh. You. I know.

If I see a child being hurt, even if it's from another kid, I get. I get a little ramped up. But if it's your own kid and you grew up watching violence, your dad was probably hit by his dad. Most likely. So he was reacting to that. My dad's dad tried to fuck my mom yeah yeah he like made moves on my mom that's fucking ballsy and my mom was like trying to fucking scramble to get away from in the kitchen he was just crazy old Irish savage my real shit savage you couldn't be alone with him if

you're a woman you alone the man I'll give a fuck if you're married to my son right right he didn't give a shit was it that he thought he could put a move on her or that he was just gonna physically take her he's just trying to fuck her i don't know he's just trying somewhere in the middle yeah my mom was my mom like we already had kids did she tell your dad oh yeah yeah yeah yeah what did he do? I'm out of that fucking asshole. You know? I don't know. You know, I mean, but it wasn't good. Whatever it was, it wasn't good.

So that's like the environment. When you think about those people. Yeah, get on the fucking table. I don't think he really had an Irish accent. He was from Ireland, though. Yeah. I don't remember having an Irish. Maybe I'm wrong. Horny Irishman. I was so young when he he died that's very territorial isn't it you know what i remember about my grandfather my father's side this is what i remember i remember that we

would go to his house and he would sit in a dark room he would sit in a room like in front of the television and he would have like a blanket on or something like that just sit in that room and i remember that room being dark this is when he was old old as fuck that's all i remember of the guy because when i came along you know by the time i was paying attention when i was like five or something like that he was already like hitting the wall yeah you know just probably getting hammered every night red redlined his liver right tick tick tick tick boom he eventually dies yeah that's how the irish do it it's like the fucking it's like the ira gets into your chest How do you know when you red line it I need to know some early you're close you're close. Yeah, you're close

It's not good alcohol is no good So I wonder if I wonder if your mom saw him sitting in that room with the blanket on quiet just walked up and fucking Smacked him remember that time he put your hand on me? No, my mom's like the least violent person ever. See, that's how, you know, that happens with those type of women. They get involved in those type of men for some reason. Like, they don't assume that people are ever going to be mean, you know? And so when they get involved with someone that's mean, someone that's violent, they're like, where is this coming from? Like, my mom's family, as crazy as they were, they were really nice to each other.

Right. Like, my grandfather was great with his kids, just loved his kids. My grandmother, they weren't great with each other, but they were great with everybody else. Yeah. There wasn't any violence growing up in my mom's house. My dad never hit anybody. My dad. Grandfather, rather.

My dad used to hit my cousins, and my brother, I remember one time, my uncle, I won't say his name, he walked in, and he was a fucking, he helped build the Empire State Building. He was a fucking badass construction dude. And he used to drink like two six-packs of Schaefer beer every night. He had this boat out in Long Island. And he'd take it out and he'd just fucking cruise around. And he came into the kitchen one time. And there's all of us cousins.

And we're like, you know, probably like 11 or 12. And he comes in and he goes to get another beer and I'll say his name is Uncle Jeff and my brother goes Hey, Uncle Jeff Get another beer, huh? And Uncle Jeff, just without even looking just fucking smacks him across

and knocks him down gets the beer and walks out and we laughed like fucking hyenas. Those are real consequences. Right? You can't smack kids today. No. It's not good.

I don't think it's good to give a guy like my dad the ability to smack kids. Right. Because he just wasn't a good guy. Right. Didn't use it right. Yeah, I mean, that's it. It's a shame that healthy violence is gone because there is definitely a place for it. I really believe that if people knew they could get punched in the face without consequences,

like people talk about stand your ground and carrying guns and all that shit, I think punching people in the face is a safer version of you won't behave badly if there's a chance you're going to get smacked around a little bit. It's definitely a deterrent. It's a deterrent to douchebaggery. I mean, it just is. If you think that that's on the menu, you'll be nicer. Right.

But really, you should just be nicer. But people aren't. It shouldn't matter. It's really almost like the gun control argument. It's like, we need to get the guns off our streets. No. You know what we need to do? We need to make it so people don't ever want to shoot people.

Okay? That's way more possible than getting the guns off the street. The only way you can get the guns off the street is some totalitarian thing where you come into people's homes and you take their possessions, violate the Constitution, or you can tell them that they have to give their guns away or there'll be a criminal those are the two options right but you really what we have to make an issue of is not the guns there's so many of them out there it's too late for that you're gonna have people that resist you're gonna have people that are gonna have guns no matter what but we got to figure out why would anybody want to just shoot people because there's too many douchebags. And I think like with drugs, if we got rid of people's need to take drugs,

you know, people that are hooked on heroin or crack or whatever, what is it that's missing? What trauma happened to them in childhood? Or what, you know, self-esteem issues are they having that they're getting hooked on drugs? Because there's always going to be another type of drug that they can make.

And it's a matter of time until they come up with a gun that's a laser that you don't need fucking gunpowder for. You're right. Or something better than that. You know, who knows? Some fucking energy weapon. Who knows what they're going to come up with in the future? You can have a cell phone app that can kill people.

There's not going to be anybody that's going to be able to stop it. Right. I'm actually surprised there isn't. Isn't it amazing there is not an alternative to a gun at this point that can kill? I mean, you got tasers, but I guess you could set those high enough to kill somebody. I bet if you had four people and they all tased someone at the same time, you might overdose them on taser. That would be hilarious. It seems like everybody that gets hit with those things goes down, too.

You don't really see too many videos of people just shaking that off. No. I feel like when they hit you with that. Oh, no, I've seen it. I've seen it. They have those, you know, the cop, the mounted cameras inside cop cars. Right. And when they got a guy who's jacked up on meth.

PCP. PCP. They can take it. You can't. They take it. They get up. They keep fucking hitting him with it. Find that.

We need to find that. Yeah, I saw it. We need to do commentary on videos of dudes getting tasered. I saw this fat black lady, and they could not take this wildebeest down. She kept coming. Well, you know, that was the Rodney King argument. Like, if you watch the Rodney King fight, when they're beating the shit out of him, I shouldn't say the Rodney King fight.

You know, it wasn't a fight. They beat the fuck out of this guy with clubs. Right. But when you're watching it on television, like, you're going, what would you do if you were a cop and that guy kept trying to get up? You know how terrifying that would be. Right. But when you're watching it on television, like you're going, what would you do if you were a cop and that guy kept trying to get up? You know how terrifying that would be?

Right. If you're some scrawny-ass fucking white cop with shit genetics and Roddy motherfucking King is high as a kite on whatever, I mean,

what was he high on? Probably PCP. Yeah, look at this. Fat white guy with dumpy legs and this black guy just punches him. Get your ass on the ground now!

Get on the ground! I like that. He takes the shirt off, and he's got another shirt. What's he doing? He's taking his clothes off. Get back! Get back! His ass crack's hanging out.

Yeah, what do you do if you're this guy, and you've got to deal with this guy who's way bigger than you, and you're these two fucking you've got to deal with this guy who's way bigger than you and you're these two fucking goofy cops? Look how fat this cop is in front of us. Look how fat that guy is. Not only that, they're on the yellow line of a road so everybody's watching. That's the worst part is a cop. But hold on a second. Look at the size of that cop.

That cop is morbidly obese. I mean, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being a big fat person if you enjoy it. You know, do whatever you want to do. But if you're going to be a fucking police officer, that guy can't go for five seconds. Look at the size of him. Look at the girth on that guy. You should be given a suspension until you can get down to weight.

Fuck yeah. If that guy is a cop, I mean, he's pointing a good gun. Okay, they just tased him. Quick fighting. He loves it. He's actually enjoying it. Get on your back. He's on his back.

Papa McGee. Papa McGee. That sounds like they're deer hunting. We got this seven cops surrounding that dude Yeah They couldn't keep him down But that one guy That's so preposterous That guy's a law enforcement officer

What do you think about women? What about women being cops? Women can fight Women who know martial arts can protect themselves They can at least defensively Protect themselves But what about bringing a guy like that down? It's not going to happen without weapons.

Right. Unless there's a threat of violence. I mean, unless the guy's going to listen to you because you got a gun pointed at him, he's not going to do it. Right. There's just too many crazy people like that. I mean, I guess there's upsides to female cops in terms of how they relate to the community, but it is interesting to think about if she was out alone dealing with a dude

like that. It's just, it forces her to be in a position where she has to shoot somebody. Well, it happens. There was a video of a guy who got indicted for assaulting a police officer. And it was fucking horrifying to watch because it was a woman. And she pulls this guy over for something, speeding, what have you. And she's in front of the camera you know she's got the camera in the car and it's all on film of she's talking to the guy and telling

him to like put his hands behind his back and the guy just wails her in the face drops her to the ground she's out cold and he's just punching the shit out of her while she's out cold it's so hard to watch because this woman she just was a you know you know, I don't know how much martial arts training she had. I don't know what she knew about fighting. But she was clearly wrong about assessing the danger level of dealing with this guy. Right. And she got so close to him that he decided to just uncork on her.

Right. So you hear a kid screaming, daddy, stop hitting her. Daddy, stop hitting her. Because the guy who was getting pulled over had his kid in the car. So his kid's screaming while he's beating the fuck out of this cop. And it was a girl. Watching someone get punched while they're unconscious

is one of the creepiest things in the world. It certainly is. I've seen it a lot of times. I've seen it many times. I've seen it in real life in street fights, which is really scary. And I've seen it in, I don't know how many UFC fights. Yeah, and that's the thing with the refs. They are really amazing about getting in there the second the person's out.

Because the fighter doesn't really know. They're seeing red. And the fighter will almost always protest it after it's stopped. Like, I was fine. They'll say I was fine. Because you are fine like a second later. Right. But right then, when the eyes roll back inside your head, it's over.

Right. It's really over. If you get hit several more times, you're just compounding damage. Your body might be moving all right, but basically the game is over. You've got your lights shut off. You can't get your lights shut off and then come back in a safe way. Well, you may have a concussion at that point. Most likely you have a concussion. Yeah. But the thing is guys have fought with concussions and won. That in a safe way. Well, you may have a concussion at that point. Most likely you have a concussion.

Yeah. But the thing is, guys have fought with concussions and won. That's what's crazy. Guys have gotten concussions in the first round and don't remember the fight, and then after the fight, you know, I'm talking to them, I'm interviewing them, and they don't remember the fight. And they won. Well, and sometimes if it's really bad,

there's even a period where you feel really fine, and a day later you just go down and die Oh, yeah, well that the that can definitely happen anytime you have a serious concussion. They want to watch you They want to keep you awake. They actually don't want you to fall asleep That's one of the things they say to people and they get knocked out So you try to keep awake for a little bit at least they used to yeah I don't know if they you know as medical science advances They start changing a lot of different approaches that they have to head trauma.

Well, what is it? Is it that your brain moves? Yes, there's that for sure. It's just the impact, the impact of something on your skull. And it doesn't have to be on the skull. The other thing is you can get a concussion from your chest. You know, we were talking about this, I think it was Big John McCarthy's explaining this to me. I might be wrong. But what we were talking about this. I think it was Big John McCarthy who was explaining this to me. I might be wrong. But what we were talking about is, I think it was Big John, who's like the gold standard for MMA referees.

He was talking about, like, guys get concussions and they get hit in the chest. No shit. Yeah, because you get hit in the chest and your brain gets jostled, and you can get a concussion from that. Is it lack of oxygen to your brain? No, no, it's impact. Just impact. That's why football players, like, the ability to run at each other with no pads,

it's so dangerous for the brain because the impact, it doesn't have to be on the head. Any impact shakes the body violently, and the brain is barely held in there with, like, string. Yeah. The brain is the most precious part of your fucking body. And it's surrounded by liquid. And it's tied to the walls with fucking string. It's like the shittiest design ever for a power plant for the most complex neural connections known to Earth. We are as complex as it gets. We're the things that are creating spaceships and making satellites.

It's the nuttiest fucking organ ever created. And it's barely hanging in there. It's floating around in this fluid attached to this thin bone. It's like one of the thinnest bones. Right. Like think about how big your elbow bone is. Why isn't your skull that thick? Why is your skull fucking, like, super fat and thick everywhere?

Exactly. And also, and the temperature. You think about it. If your brain temperature goes up five degrees, you know what five degrees is? It's nothing. You're fucking brain dead. Yeah, you're fucked. Or whatever, maybe six or seven degrees.

You're fucked. If you have the fever, you can get fucked. If you go out in the desert, you get fucked. We're so fragile. Yeah. Unbelievably fragile. But it's almost like that's part of the design because we've become so powerful in our ability to manipulate the very earth itself. I mean, we're not making bird nests.

We're not making beaver dams. We're making nuclear weapons. We're not making beaver dams. We're making nuclear weapons. We're making satellites. We're making spaceships that have already passed Pluto. They're out in the deep space right now. I was just reading about how they detected, they may have

detected dark matter in the universe finally. I was reading and I was like, what the fuck is dark matter? Dark matter is basically an unknown entity that lives in the universe that has enough gravitational pull that they use it to basically solve different physics issues. And how there's gravity on different planets and how interplanetary movement happens is based on dark matter that we've never fucking seen like who figured that shit out who figured out that there's a galaxy that's you know a thousand light years away when we've never like i don't here's what i understand is we talk about shit that's a

thousand light years away if it's a thousand light then we haven't seen the light from something that's a thousand. No, we have. It just might not be there. See, this is what it is. If a star, if you're looking at a star, what you're seeing when you look up in the night sky is what that star looked like millions of years ago, millions, maybe even billions of years ago, because that's how long it takes for the light from those stars, especially in distant constellations. That's how it takes for the light of those stars to reach us. Soations. That's how it takes for the light of those stars to reach us. So when you look it out into the Milky Way, you know, and you're looking at, you know, who knows how many hundreds of billions of galaxies, you're literally seeing them. The further they are apart, they might be a million light years away. They might be a billion

light years away. But you're seeing the light that came from a million years. So all the theory about the universe now is not based on the present. Well, it's not entirely based on the present, but it's based on what we know we can see so far of the present. Right. You know what I'm saying? Like, they know that, like, when you find, like, a supernova or something like that and they try to measure these things, you know, they have these big bursts in the sky. But how long did it take before that burst hit us? It could take millions of years.

Like, it's really hard for us to wrap our head around the idea of millions of light years being really close. Right. Because that's what it is. In the universe, millions of light years is really close. Yeah. Because the universe is probably some untold billions and billions of light years across, and it's probably one of untold billions and billions and billions of other alternative universes that exist inside of these black holes that they're finding in the center of all these galaxies.

That's one of the biggest theories, that inside a black hole is a supermassive, or inside a galaxy is a supermassive black hole that's one half of one percent of the mass of the galaxy. And that's- They've got it down to a number. And I think that's where the black matter percent of the mass of the galaxy and that's got it down to and i think that's where the black matter is concentrated who the fuck because it's a gravitational pull that that that's what it is and they discovered this i thought dark matter was supposed to be all over the place like they found constellations of dark matter right but i think the black holes are made up at the bottom of them of that which causes but they discovered all this because they put a new um uh in chile

at the highest point which is always where they've put the telescopes because for whatever reason the altitude's thinner the air's right you get less refraction exactly yeah and so they basically look out and they started um they started perceiving things not just with telescopes, but it's an audio telescope. So they can now make out colors because of the spectrum that they pick up. And all of a sudden they're looking at galaxies that they'd seen before just as shape, and now they're seeing the colors so they know the gases that are within these galaxies. Oh, my God. It's so incredible.

And someone figures that shit out. Well, collectively. They must get so baked and just sit together and go, wait, we're hearing this. You hear that noise, man? That's a color in a different galaxy. Did you guys watch the new Cosmos last night? Yes, I did. It was awesome.

It was amazing. Oh, wait, who's hosting that? Neil deGrasse Tyson. Right. Fucking incredible. It's so good. It'll make your toes curl. He's got a speech at the end where he talks about when he was 17 years old, Carl Sagan

picking him up and taking him to his office and showing him around and talking to him about being an astronomer. And they signed a book for him, Future Astronomer. And he's fucking 17 years old. And he tells this story about Carl Sagan's kindness and his welcoming him to the brotherhood of scientists, essentially inspiring him to be who he is today, one of our greatest public speakers about science ever, Neil deGrasse Tyson. It's tough to get a more passionate, engaging guy speaking about science.

With a sense of humor. With a great sense of humor. Yeah. And just super brilliant guy too but his story about Carl Sagan meeting him and sort of mentoring him and giving him his home phone number Wow goosebumps man just flat goose bumps amazing it's amazing Carl Sagan wasn't just a scientist he was political he was very much about world peace he was about stopping nuclear proliferation he He was about marijuana.

Was he? Carl Sagan smoked marijuana virtually every day of his life. Wow. Yeah. Carl Sagan, people are like, you don't know this. You're disparaging the great work of a good man. No, look, I will tell you a quote that I have on my message board that I use. This is by Carl Sagan.

I am convinced that there are genuine and valid levels of perception available with cannabis and probably other drugs, which are, through the defects of our society and our educational system, unavailable to us without such drugs. Boom. I mean, that's a very well-measured way of saying weed is awesome. That's a very well-measured. Not just weed. I mean, weed. And other psychedelic drugs.

Well, LSD, they're bringing back. Exactly. There's tests. Have you seen that? This recent study. They're doing them in Germany or something? Well, there was a recent study here, LSD study, that MAPS put up. But you know who else is producing that cosmos is Seth MacFarlane. He's the executive producer. He's the guy who reintroduced it.

Good for him. Yeah. Because he doesn't have enough to do. He just directed a movie that he wrote. Yeah, because he doesn't have enough to do. He just directed a movie that he wrote. And while he was doing that, he wrote a novel based on the movie he's making as he was executive producing The New Cosmos and overseeing Family Guy. Wow.

You've got to be fucking kidding me. March 4, 2014, the results of the first study of the therapeutic use of lysergic acid diethylamide. Diethylamide? Is that how you say it? Lysergic acid diethylamide, LSD. That's all anybody ever says. LSD in humans in over 40 years were published online in peer-reviewed journal of nervous and mental disease. Sponsored by the non-profit Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies. We had Rick Doblin from there on the podcast.

He was awesome. Yeah, really interesting guy. They're trying to let people know from all these different psychedelic studies. But this double-blind, placebo-controlled pilot study in 12 subjects shows statistically significant reductions in anxiety following two LSD-assisted psychotherapy sessions. Yeah, they talked about specifically fear of mortality, LSD helping you with. Well, did you ever see Larry Hagman? When Larry Hagman talked about that before he died?

Larry Hagman, he was on CNN, I think it was. It was one of those major network news shows. And he said that doing acid was one of the changing moments of his life because it removed his fear of dying. He said he no longer is afraid to die. He said he became completely at peace with it because he understands what it really is now. And that's what

Buddhism is based on. I mean, their book is you know, what is it? Something about the book of dying because once you accept death, then you can start to live. That's a good way of looking at it. It's certainly not good to be a fearful person of something that's inevitable. I think about it too much.

It's hard to not. Especially when you have kids. We also don't have a good system. Our system is like we've inherited a broken system of culture. Our system and the way we set up communities our system and law enforcement our system and prisons our system and drug enforcement all that shit is like poorly formed and it's it's we're we have been born into the momentum of these shitty ideas and we're stuck with this two-party system we're stuck with corruption we're stuck with all this really shitty it's like

everybody being shitty to each other because everybody else is being shitty to each other and no one knows how to stop it no one knows being shitty to each other and no one knows how to stop it. No one knows how to stop it. No one knows how to stop beating the shit out of your kids so you raise monsters that you just release out into the world because you fucked their fucking brain up when they were little babies. We gotta, if we can figure out a way to stop

all that and institute a more logical way of communicating and dealing with each other, we have massive potential. There's so much potential for the human race right now. This is one of the craziest times ever as far as the ability to pass ideas around. There's never been a time like this.

But yet it's still a time where Russia is in the middle of a fucking war. What are they going to do? They're invading Ukraine. They're going to take over. The United States, like Dick Cheney with his fake heart, is saying that we should go consider military action. Start another Cold War. He's talking about military action

against Russia. What the fuck is anybody doing? Well, it's just a chance to call Obama pussy, which is all they want. And if you look at, I was just reading this thing about which conflicts we decided were moral to get involved in, whether you're talking about Bosnia or Rwanda or Iraq.

You know, we are all over the place in when we think it's okay to jump in when a country is invading another country. Kuwait? Yeah, that's fine. Rwanda? No. Sub-Sahara Africa where the fucking Janjaweed are cutting people's fucking arms off and raping women systematically? Nope. Yep. Nope. Because there's no fucking oil off and raping women systematically. Nope. Yep.

Nope. Because there's no fucking oil. Yeah. North Korea is the best example ever. North Korea is like a horrific place with nuclear weapons. Not only that, you talk about human rights abuse. People are living in fucking prison camps. Well, they're born into prison camps.

Born into prison camps because of the fucking thought crimes of their parents. And they're being raised to turn their parents in because they saw their parent, like, take a piece of bread. It's fucking nuts. Someone drew a guy who was a prison guard. He drew all the various stages of a prisoner. See if you can find that. He drew North Korean prison guard, or was it prison guard or escaped prisoner?

It was escaped prisoner. Yeah, it was an escaped prisoner, and he had drawn all these various stages of, it might have been the guard, I think, but whatever it is, these images of how they would decide when a person was, when you could kill them, when you beat them up when you starve them like it was like but they had broken them down into categories like this is a person that's

basically dead this is a person that's like less look drawings by North Korean concentration camp by an escaped prisoner yeah okay was a prisoner but he was talking about people just essentially starving to death, that guards would just randomly beat people to death, and that this is how they kept people. This is like he's talking about the different weights that the people would be at, how they would stand. Like they were starving. They would make them stand in front of all the different generals and soldiers,

make them stand there. Now all they eat there is like Cabbage soup twice a day Look at these bodies They're all hungry all the time Look at this they got this guy tied up And this guy's just kicking them And other people are watching And waiting they're next

They fed people to dogs Yeah like regularly They feed people to dogs Just wrap your head around that Wrap your head around starving someone To the point where they just literally can't defend themselves, then pushing them into a bunch of dogs. And the dogs just tear them apart. And then think about the fact that these people are living in 2014.

And we know about it, and we're doing nothing about it. I mean, I don't know how much is going on over there. I don't know if it's an isolated camp. No, no, they have a lot of escaped people and they all corroborate they get them to describe it separately and the stories are consistent that they live in fucking barracks just like a gulag and they work

sun up to sun down they barely eat and they're killed in front of the rest of the community where you have to watch, if you avert your gaze, you could be killed. Yeah, well, I'm sure it takes place. When I say that I don't know what's really going on, it's because I haven't experienced it personally.

But these stories that we're getting back, what I was going to say is they are true. They're one of the scariest things ever. A country with nuclear weapons. How about the fact that he just kills his uncle and then kills his uncle's family? He killed his uncle's 20-year-old kids because he didn't want them growing up to kill him someday. So he killed everybody. And he took the wife and gave her a raise.

Nice. Dude, I mean, this is 2014. This is crazy shit. And you know what the economy of North Korea is? It's methamphetamine. It's ID theft. Nothing they do is legal. Everything they do is they've got

fucking computers hacking all over the place. They're selling drugs to China and Russia. Jesus Christ. They don't have fucking crops. They don't have shit. But then look at South Korea. It's this booming economy. They make the best cell phones in the world.

They have awesome televisions. Their electronics divisions are off the hook. I mean, they have some of the fastest internet speeds in the world. Those motherfuckers come over here and they kick ass. They start with a fruit cart and they end up with a fucking factory. Well, the work ethic in the Korean community is unbelievable. It's unreal. My friend Jungshik, when I was a

kid, when I was doing Taekwondo, there was a friend of mine who was somewhere around my age, maybe a little bit older. He might have been like a couple years older than me. He was a national Taekwondo champion. And he was also a doctor. He was trained to be a doctor. So he was going to medical school and he was still training and he was on the U.S. Olympic team. I mean, he was also a doctor he was a trained to be a doctor so he was going to medical school

and he was still training and he was on the u.s olympic team i mean he was on the national taekwondo team right wasn't the olympic team at the time it was like i think it was 86 and he could play the shit out of a cello uh i don't know if he had any musical talent but i never met a dude in my life who worked harder than this guy this This guy would fucking study all day, and then he'd run upstairs. He'd run upstairs, like, in the dormitory. And he was, like, he had glasses, and he was very slight,

and he wasn't a physically very strong man at all. He was just really fucking smart and really hardworking, and his father really wanted him to be, like, a national Taekwondo champion as well as being a doctor. Yeah. So he won the fucking nationals.

He was a guy that I trained with on a super regular basis. Just being around that kid, like, and seeing him go through medical school, seeing him constantly studying, when I knew that I would fuck off. Like, I just, I wouldn't be able to do it. I would need some blow off. I would need something. Right. But with him, it was nothing.

There was no girlfriend. He had girlfriends, like girlfriends at the time, in time rather. But at the time, when I first met him, when he was training for the national team, there was fucking nothing going on in that guy's life except work. There was barely enough time to sleep.

You hear about the... My daughter plays the flute. She just had this. They have to get certified at a certain level. You go and you test to get certified. That helps you get to the next level in your school band. I don't know what the fuck it was. I've taken her to test, and I just sit there going – and I didn't care. She goes in, and she comes out, and I go, did you have fun?

And she's like, yeah, I think I screwed up a few times. I'm like, all right, let's go to Starbucks. I'll get you one of those frozen things. Cheer up. I'm watching this fucking Korean mom and I'm reading the paper, hanging out out front. She's sitting on a chair waiting and the second the kid comes out,

how did you do? How was it? And the kid is not in a scary way, but like concerned. And the kid was in a suit. My daughter's wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Like, you just saw the differences culturally in how they have expectations for the kids. And it's not, like, authoritarian.

It really is just, like, they are all over you. Well, they are unbelievable hard workers and very proud of the hard work that they've done. And they want their children to be hard workers, too. Like, my friend's dad didn't beat him up. He didn't do anything horrible to him. He loved him, but he expected a lot. He knew his kid was exceptional too. His kid is exceptionally smart, exceptionally tough.

He wasn't a physically gifted guy, and he won the nationals. He was amazing. But I just remember being very influenced by him, by his work ethic, so impressed with it. And that's what's amazing when you think about all this anti-immigration shit. Without these people coming in with that spirit and that edge and that desire, it helps our kids learn. I'll tell you what, Greg Fitzsimmons, I don't know what government agency you're working for. You want to talk that communist bullshit, but you obviously never worked at the mines that I worked at

because as soon as them Mexicans came over here and started taking our land, okay, you couldn't get a fucking job there and everything went to shit. And then meth came in, so you can go talk that fucking East Coast liberal bullshit all day, boy. And all they want to do is sit in a hammock and eat fucking mangoes.

Lazy, lazy. They want to come over here and get welfare. It's that simple. Come in here. It's that simple. Drop a baby. Go back. Get fucked again by some drug lord. Come out.

Pop out another little Mexican. Yeah. How many jobs does a Jamaican need? Seriously. You can't take all the jobs, motherfucker. Making us look bad. Fucking up the union hours. Because there's all these union rules, you know?

Right. Like unions, you get time off during the day. You get coffee breaks. Every good union contract always had it scheduled in to the contract. Oh, yeah. I've been on union jobs. What did you ever, like TV shows and stuff like that? The supermarket.

And we used to get breaks. Like you work an hour, you got fucking 12 minutes. Every three hours, you got a 45-minute lunch break. It was sweet. Oh, they had it set up nice. Yeah. You know, and there was a, I had a buddy who worked at a automotive factory, and he was in the Automotive Workers Union. And they had a bunch of jobs that really could be done easily by one person but they had two people assigned to those jobs just so they ensured there was more jobs right so they created like a fake

job and what these guys would do is they would do a four on four off so like if you and i were partners we would we would be working in a a factory but really you could do the job easy by yourself and i could have done the job easy by myself but this way you work four hours a day and then i come in, and I take over the other four hours, and you could fuck off for the rest of the day. So you have half a job. So you get paid for eight hours?

You get paid for eight hours. So the job gets done, no matter what, because someone's always there. You're there, I'm there. We're a team. And we're pretending that we're working eight hours a day. But you're going to the gym. You're fucking going to the post office.

Yeah, no, I had buddies. Like I was saying, I grew up in a town that had a GM plant. And so a lot of the people there. And it was like the drug use was rampant. These dudes, if they had a noon shift, they were all to fucking do drop in, having a couple shots before they went in. All smoking pot. And, you know, and here's the thing.

I'm very pro-union in the sense that we have big business. We have multinational corporations getting bigger and bigger, beating down minimum wage, healthcare benefits. We have to fix the fucking unions. They're fucked up. They're bloated. They cease to function. But we've got to fix them because without them, there's no pushback against the corporations. I agree. I think that things get out of hand. We got to fix them because without them, there's no pushback against the corporations. Yeah. Well, I agree.

I think that things get out of hand. They go back and forth. That's what it is. It's like, is it important to have them? Yeah, it is. But is it important to not let them get out of control and get fucking crazy and greedy? Yeah, that is too. Right.

Because it's sort of anti-competitive. I don't think that you should be able to pay a person a nickel a day to have them work in your factory, but if it is legal to pay a person a nickel a day just because they live on this fucking side of the line, that's fucked. What is this company? What are you selling? What are you guys selling? Okay, there's only one way to

sell things. Let's just be real clear. You have to pay people, and you have to pay them an actual good amount of money that they can live on. You can't have them living in fucking dormitories where you put nets up everywhere because they want to jump off the roof. If you're really an American company and you're selling shit, you shouldn't be fucking running sweatshops. Right. You shouldn't be having places in Mexico where someone's making a dollar a day. Yeah, no, that's just it.

Oh, that's what you're saying on the other side of the line. Yeah, you shouldn't be able to do that. There has to be accountability for i mean you hear about these cambodian fucking sweatshops where the building goes on fire and 200 people die and it's barely in our newspaper if that shit if one person gets a hangnail at a place in michigan where we all know about it but meanwhile they're not human beings over there exactly exactly if that was over here it would be horrendous if you had seen any of the things that you're seeing at foxconn where they're trying to make adjustments and alterations to their fucking their workers lives to make it easier to live in the factory where you work

it's still you're living in the factory where you work it's like there's this new thing that seaworld's putting out that's saying Blackfish is propaganda by the activists. Like these tweets, and they're getting assaulted online because people are reading these offensive tweets like, you guys don't understand it. It's not whether or not Blackfish was somehow or another edited to make you guys look more evil than you actually are. What you do is inherently evil, and now we know.

That's what's going on. Your job shouldn't exist anymore. you guys are trying to save slavery you're trying to save orcas these super intelligent things that kill they kill on a regular basis that's their life in the ocean killing fish and surviving you've removed all of that you put them in a fish tank and they can think and they have accents they have different areas where they talk differently. They have a full complex language that we don't understand. And yet you motherfuckers think that Blackfish is wrong because they've exaggerated some certain points.

Yeah. You're crazy. Yeah, the spin on both sides. Well, that's the problem is like we need some kind of a, it used to be the New Yorkork times and that kind of got but what is the news agency that both sides the reasonable part of both sides can go all right let's just say new york times is not too far in either direction and and pull if they do a story you can't fucking spin it yeah i think there's some people today that are coming up now that

are involved in internet media that are going to have a way better chance of pulling this off than anybody that's a part of CNN or anybody that's a part of. But there's a I'm glad you brought that up because there was a thing in the news yesterday about Pussy Riot getting attacked. Pussy Riot got attacked in McDonald's. And now they're saying Russia. Yeah, they're saying it's staged. got attacked in McDonald's. In Russia? Yeah, they're saying it's staged.

They're saying that the attack, that pussy riot getting attacked by these men like randomly in a McDonald's is staged. And there's a video of it. So Brian, pull up the video. What, that they're staging it themselves? Yeah, that it's fake. I could see that. Well, I mean, they're performance artists.

That's what they do. I know, but they're making themselves out to be victims. Like that's their message. They want to stage someone persecuting them and beating them up. Because they that's their message? They want to stage someone persecuting them and beating them up? Because they're losing their heat a little bit. They're not the hot item that people are talking about, so they got to get back in there. But they just got horse whipped, like, a couple of weeks ago.

It's almost like they're addicted to the attention. Yeah, definitely. That one is so fucking hot! You like her? Which one? Holy shit, and she did porn. You can see her doing porn. Powerful pussy riot.

Do you have the video? Yeah. No, she's got the most beautiful face, nice rack. You're getting excited. Look, you're moving your hands and your lap. Oh, man. You got to fucking see pussy riot. But how gangster are those girls?

They go to fucking Siberia. They lock them up in cages in Siberia, and then they're out protesting for gay people at the Olympics. And they could have got out if all they had to do was sign some waiver that they were enemies of the state and they could have walked. And they were like, no, we'll do our time. So how do you feel about them? I'm very impressed with them for that.

But how do you feel about them if they really did fake this? Their music's horrible. That's all I know. Look at it. The one on the right. Her on the left. But there's a video, Brian. There's a video of them getting beat up.

That's not it. I think that they're performance artists. I think that by staging that, it's the same way that when we sent students, protesters to Selma, Alabama, we knew they were going to get beat up. When we sent them to Mississippi, they were going to get beat up, and we were going to get it on camera, and it was going to prove a point. That was all staged. Yeah, well, it is in a sense.

If you know it's going to come, and you get cameras there, it is staged. You know, that's Alex Jones' technique. Is this actually them? They're covered with... Oh, that's a little too convenient. The paint not getting in her hair. This is how you know she's fake. No paint in her hair. Chicks don't know she's fake. No paint in her hair.

Chicks don't want to get their hair painted. Oh, here's the girls. Yeah, she looks a little calm. Wait a minute. At least they're not hitting the pretty ones. Okay, so for folks who are just listening, you're like, what the fuck is going on here? These girls are sitting there eating, and then some guys come over, and they start fucking with them, and everybody says it's fake.

It seems very fake. It seems fake. I mean, the guys are kind of half-smiling, the ones that attacked. Well, you know, though, if you really understand Russians, I'm not convinced this is fake. Russian guys are some tough motherfuckers. They're a different breed. And I think they're used to conflict on a regular basis. So I think the way they interact with each other, like so close to violence and smiling and shit like that, I think that's legit.

Right. Physical violence over there is so commonplace. It's not the same thing. It's legit. Right. Physical violence over there is so commonplace. It's not the same thing. I watch a lot of found fights on the internet, and the Russian ones are just on a totally different level. Here's why I think it's fake.

Or I think it's staged, at least. The girls are just sitting there like they're waiting for it to happen. And they're too calm that nothing bad is going to happen while they're getting yelled at by these fucking hooligans. And there's a lot of cameras. That's a big one. Yeah, it was already filming before they even got attacked. Yeah, exactly. See if you can find the porno of the hot one. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.

Oh, you don't put that on your... No, we can't. You stream it, we'll pull it off. Yeah. But don't do it because I don't want you to get obsessed. Look at you. Look at your face. It doesn't take away from the good things they do.

Right. But it's disappointing, right? Is that how you feel about seeing something like that, if it is fake? No, I think it's about taking a theme and trying to illustrate it through interactions. You know, that's... That's because you're a goddamn liberal apologist. That's right. That's your problem.

I bet your woman wears the fucking pants in the house, Fitzsimmons! Ever since they brought capitalism into Russia, they ruined the whole goddamn thing. They had a good thing going Socialism These chicks are standing on the edge of a dock Is that what that is? No this is at the Olympics Oh that's a wall behind them

I thought that was water They're being whipped though That's real Yeah they whip them with horse whips Damn Yeah and they whip the photographer too Yeah that's how you know it's real That's real shit

No I think this is real But it might not be It might be bullshit as well It'd be funny if it was If they just keep doing these things over and over again, staging these things to make the show what assholes the Soviet cops are. But it really was all fake. God, the Olympics was so fucking, what a disaster.

The money they spent. And the fact that Putin, the whole time, he knew what was going on in the Ukraine and he was going to these sporting events and you look at his face, he was not enjoying himself. Yeah. He was very preoccupied with the Ukraine. Well, that's an intense thing, man. Can you imagine being that guy?

That guy has essentially taken over a country. Right. I mean, they have his photos. Did you see all the different people that took photos of the photos of Putin shirtless in their hotel rooms when they were staying over there? No shit. Yeah. Shirtless Putin fly fishing.

Framed on the wall. He's a legit dictator. Yeah. Putin's a dictator of a giant country with a fucking space program. And the only way to get people down from the space station, by the way. Is that right? We don't have a space shuttle anymore. Oh, that's like gravity. They had to go to the Russian way to get people down from the space station, by the way. Oh, is that right? We don't have a space shuttle anymore. Oh, that's like gravity.

They had to go to the Russian one to get home. Exactly. Wow. We'd either have to go to the Russians or we'd have to go to another country that's got a space program that's got a working shuttle. Wow. They took the space shuttle out of commission. Can we get a ride?

Do you know how nuts that is, man? I mean, and people are like, people like whoa fucking money that we need fucking we need to fucking fix this and fix that we don't need money to fucking explore space i've seen that argument before right it's such a stupid argument it's one of the dumbest arguments ever amber alert did you just get an amber alert damn it's one of the dumbest arguments ever because we are at our highest level capable of doing shit that no race has done before we still have all these social issues but our capabilities our technological capabilities our our abilities to affect our environment our abilities to create these innovative pieces of

electronics and machinery and it's never existed like this before. It's never existed. This is as high as it gets. And we should continue to pursue the highest level of that whenever possible. Because at some point in time, we're going to reach a point where we have such control over our environment that we can eliminate all the bullshit that we

go through with pollution and overpopulation, all these different aspects. We're going to be able to literally engineer the world. We'll be able to make food that feeds everybody, that has shelf life of 100 years. It might not be us. It might not be our grandchildren even. But if we stay alive, one day we will reach peak efficiency. We'll reach some sort of a technological singularity, where we figure

out a way to control everything, to live in harmony. We figure out a way to eliminate violence through technology. That sounds preposterous, but why would we assume that emotions can't be eventually managed? Why wouldn't we assume that we couldn't program minds to be healthier and more progressive thinking and kinder? that we couldn't program minds to be healthier and more progressive thinking. But I don't know, with all the technological advancement we make, have we come across any means of improving people's emotional, spiritual self? Well, one. Not yet, but yes. The one that allows the vehicle of human interaction to much larger channels.

That's the Internet. It allows people, like like there's a lot bad No, but that's still cerebral. I'm talking about I mean there's it's affecting people It's cerebral for sure but cerebral changes mindsets mindsets change culture, right? I mean, it's it's the most impactful thing the human race has ever seen I think it's just happened right in front of our face And it's like a firecracker went off, and everyone's trying to figure out what happened. What's going on? What happened?

If somebody threw an M-80 in a garbage can right there, boom! For the first couple seconds, you're like, what the fuck is going on? I really think that's human beings with the invention of the internet. I think we don't even understand that the bomb just went off,

we're just shaking our heads, and we're going, what the fuck is happening here? And we're off. This is the beginning of the weirdest connection that an organism has ever made. The whole organism is going to become one mind. That really is going to happen. If you look at what is the trend, really clearly is that individuals are going to sort of cease to be individual. The trend seems to be that we're getting close to each other.

We can communicate with each other better. We can share information with each other better. We can spy on each other. We can get into each other's lives. We can allow each other to know where each other is all day, every day with a GPS tracker on your phone. We're going to figure out a way to study everybody's email and study everybody's phone calls.

Oh, we already have it. And the NSA is doing that right now. Like, what's going on? We're getting closer and closer and closer to some sort of a weird connection with each other. And we're fucking putting our heels in the dirt. But it's about the access to it. It's the access to it because the corporations have already got it. You know, they've already cataloged and are taking every time you click.

got it. They've already cataloged and are taking, every time you click, there's like five major private information gatherers that are out there. But we don't have access. If you want to ask one of those companies, I want to see my patterns of spending. I want to see my patterns of shopping. I want to see where I go. They've got it. You can't get it. Yeah. Well, that's, they get that from credit card information. I get all that, and I get the idea that— No, it's through Google, and they give it all up. But what I'm saying is that we're going to come a point—

there's going to be a point in time where there is no Google. I mean, there's going to be so much connection that you won't really be able to have any money. Money right now is ones and zeros. Money is numbers, and it's on an account somewhere. And numbers that are in banks. I got another Amber Alert. Numbers are in banks.

Numbers are being traded back and forth on credit cards. You can paper notes account for some of it. But it's all bullshit. At a certain point in time, money is going to be just information. And if we have complete total access to information right now, which is sort of what we're leaning towards, they're going to hit a boundary. We're going to say, okay, here's what we're going to have to figure out. We can either press forward with civilization and abandon money, or we're going to have to stick with money and we're going to have to stop innovation right here. That's interesting.

I haven't thought about that. Any further and we can't control this money. Because it's kind of a joke as it is. It's a concept. We have credit. We have credit cards. We have student loans. We have stocks that are going up in price that we don't even know what the fuck they are.

It's a number. Yeah. And it just ebbs and flows in either direction. And the government and the corporation's goal is to just keep you a little bit behind and scared so you keep working. Well, they're organisms. Corporations are organisms, and they're trying to keep themselves alive. And if they could spend money to influence laws to make sure that they can keep moving, they're going to keep moving. But at a certain point in time, isn't money just information?

And if all information is free, we're going to get to this weird sort of area where if it keeps traveling in the area that it's going, where innovation and money come to a crossroads. We're going to be so advanced that we're going to have to think culturally whether or not we have to develop some sort of a different reward system than money. Instead of just thinking like this is what it is and this is how it's always been and this is how it's always going to be. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't get reward systems for behavior or reward systems for putting in effort. You shouldn't be able to get more things for your effort.

If you show, like if we have free will and a person can't tell you what to do, you should be rewarded for putting in a lot of energy. There's like a direct relationship. Right, and whether or not that's creative, innovative energy, or there's also got to be task responsibilities. There's also responsibilities to your community, responsibilities for your own waste and your own environment. There's a lot of things that

we're going to have to take into account. Your carbon footprint. Yeah, but at the end of the day, we have this idea that money's the way to do it because it's the way we've always done it. But it doesn't take into account possibility. And there's other possibilities of a way that we could manage a bunch of

organisms like human beings interacting with each other. It doesn't have to be a fucking credit card. It doesn't have to be paper. So we would have sort of a digital identity. I don't know. I'm just talking. But what I'm saying is if I pay attention to what's happening with information, what's happening with technology, if you try to put it into it, if you weren't a person and you were some being from another planet and you're looking at what we're doing,

like, oh, they're building something. They keep getting it better and better every year and they're building something. No, they don't even know what the fuck they're building. They don't even know what they're building. They're just building something. And along the line, they're getting themselves addicted to making new things.

Like, why the fuck would you be so addicted to making new things? This laptop, they stay keep it like this forever and i don't need a new laptop right this laptop's perfect right now why are we making new models like expected to make them every fucking year yeah they have to they have to they have to develop programs that are so complex that utilize the processors in these things just to make it doesn't even make sense why you have a 3 gigahertz fucking laptop? Like, what are you doing?

Unless you're crushing video, unless you're doing audio editing, unless you're doing a lot of, like, really heavy tasking work, you don't need that shit. You don't need that shit. But you're addicted. And they've got to make it smaller and smaller every year. I can carry that thing around easily. Dude, we're weird.

We're weird, and we don't realize how weird we are. Like, while we're being weird, we don't realize it. Well, you know, you've got to work on this life to make money. What the fuck is money? Who are you? What is this? What are we doing here? We're in a giant factory that it just doesn't have real walls.

So we forget that it's a factory. But we're a part of this. And if you look at the resources that you have available to you, being 24 hours in a day and a certain amount of your health, and think about what you dedicate most of that resources to. And what's your reward out of that? What, do you got a house? You got a box where you can fucking pass out every night in front of the television? Is that what you're doing?

You're a part of a fucking factory. You're a part of a giant factory. I walk my dog at night and I look in people's windows and you just see that blue blipping thing and people sitting tuned in. It's like you work all fucking day. Most people go to a job they do not like. They sit in traffic and they have a miserable eight hours, if not 14. And then they come home after all that work and the payoff is to sit and watch an episode of Modern Family. And this is not taking anything away from people that find themselves in that position because Greg and I have both been there.

And it's not taking anything away from people that actually enjoy their jobs. There's nothing wrong with working if you enjoy your job. Like, we're working right now. How about that? This is our job. I mean, kinda, right? Right, Squarespace. Right. No, I mean, doing podcasts or doing stand-up. When you're doing stand-up, you're working.

When you're writing, you're working. When you're fucking around, joking around, and you come up with ideas, that's work for you. Right. But it doesn't feel like work because it's awesome because it's so fun. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with finding a way to make Mongolian bows and selling them online. There's nothing wrong with that. But if you have a problem with what you're doing and you continue to do it, you're going to be miserable. have a problem with what you're doing and you continue to do it, you're going to be miserable.

Doesn't mean that you have to do one thing or have to find out what you don't like and don't do that first. Find out what you do like and I bet there's more than one option, man. You might funnel your options in one direction because you think it's your best chance at success, but most people that enjoy anything, they have a pretty nuanced view of the world. Like you, I know you like, you like to play golf. You like to play pool. You like to write. You like to produce shows. You like to do standup comedy. You'd like a lot of different things and you do a lot of different things. And if one of those different things opened up some strange path and you decided to

go down it and, and, and form this excellent career, what is it? Is it by chance? Is it because you have more than one option? Is it because one thing resonates with you more than... It's because you have options. You could do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah, it's a combination of options and abilities. Yeah. Well, options, abilities... And if you have the abilities,

then you feel more excited about this thing. Yeah. So I think... And also, I was thinking about this the other day. I can't wait to change jobs. I don't know what the next thing is, but I know that I'm going to follow it. I think, and also I was thinking about this the other day. I can't wait to change jobs. I don't know what the next thing is, but I know that I'm going to follow it. I mean, podcasting, I started out, it was a fucking lark that I started doing podcasting. So was us.

And now I look at it like, man, I get fucking excited every day thinking about what the next podcast is going to be, what guests I got coming up. And, you know, something happens in my life, and I'm like, oh, this is a great fucking narrative piece I can bring onto the podcast, and I'm going to have more understanding of it by the end of the podcast, because I'm going to think about it in a concentrated way. I don't know what the next thing is, but there's going to be a next thing, and you just got to say, I'm going to go with it, whatever it is. Yeah.

Well, you also don't have to stop doing stand-up, which with you and I has always been the main engine behind the machine. Right. Even when you took time off of doing stand-up, you're still a stand-up cop. I never took time off. I mean, you've never taken a week off? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the longest you've ever been offstage? Probably a month, which is rare.

I did three months once. Did you? Yeah. You were excited when you came back? Yeah, I got injured. I forget what the injury was. Emotional? I forget what it was. Was it your nose when you carved out your nose? No, I didn't take that much time off then. I was on

stage, I think, like two weeks after that. Hair plugs? Worried that it was going to not. Hair plugs were pretty quick. The bleeding out of the nose, I was worried that people were going to think I was a cokehead Right Right I really

That was my number one thing That I didn't want to have to explain Yeah I got my nose fixed And then I wasn't actually a cokehead Right It's like classic That's hilarious

Like you're falling apart Hollywood moment You're bleeding out of your nose Yeah On stage And then if you're bombing as well Like oh is that blood Oh shit

And then your act goes into the toilet Can I Can I plug my stand-up dates? Yeah, of course. Punchline San Francisco, March 12th through the 15th. Great club. And then the 16th, I will be with the great Joe Rogan at the Hollywood Improv. It's the night before St. Patrick's Day.

We're going to do some fucking Irish jokes. We're going to talk about the rage and the violence and the pride that comes with the Irish people. Oh, yeah, lad. And then I got a bunch of dates. I'm going to, I don't know, go to FitzDog.com, like Denver, Fort Lauderdale, a bunch of places. Good times, my friend. It's the best times. And it's hard because with kids, you know how it is.

You fucking, it's bittersweet. You walk out that door and it's like, I'm going to miss you. And it's also like, I'm going to be alone in a hotel room for two days. Yeah. That's not a bad thing. Well, it's good to have little breaks, you know, and there's a recharge. Right. But I definitely like doing more gigs near home than I used to.

I like to travel less, you know. But like going to Irvine and places like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Irvine's great. I like going to Ontario. It's fun. Ice Yeah, yeah, yeah. Irvine's great. I like going to Ontario. It's fun. Ice House. Yeah, Ice House I do all the time.

I like going to Comedy Magic Club. I'm there on the 30th. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I'm doing a lot of Jay Leno spots because Jay Leno does every Sunday night at the Hermosa Beach Comedy Magic Club. Well, he's now going to start going on the road. So you're going to do the Sunday nights?

Well, Mike is going to start handing them out to a bunch of different people. So I've done two of them so far. I did one and then I'm doing another one on the 30th. Comedy and Magic Club is a fucking gem of a club, man. Dude, I'll come down and do a guest spot next time you're there. Please. Let's do it. Do a whole set. I love that place.

Yeah, you want to work with me? Let's go. Sure, let's fucking do it. Alright, there you go, ladies and gentlemen. We did it Sunday, the 30th, March 30th. Craig Fitzsimmons and I. We're going to have some fun. That place is beautiful. Yeah, it's a beautiful setup, man. It's so good. It's so good.

It's such a good club. And it's got such a great air in it because Mike is like the nicest person that's ever walked the face of the earth. It's like the whole staff is like friendly and nice. Trickles down from him. Of course. That's like the nicest, most laid-back staff ever. Right.

Imagine that guy's your boss. He's just the sweetest of sweetie pies ever. I don't trust him. People that are that nice, I'm always like, I'm going to see some angry dude pop out, but it never happens. He made me cry once. Yeah. Why?

I don't remember. He was telling Brian that he's going to die of cancer and that he cares about you. Because Brian smokes. And he was telling him, he's like, my wife works with people that are dying of lung cancer. And the death is horrible. They have to strap you in. You're literally drowning on your own fluid

that fills your lungs up. It's unbelievably horrible. And it's avoidable. And it's avoidable. You caused it. And that's the other thing is like, you're not going to get as much sympathy. If you die of that, people are going to be like,

well, it's a good lesson for us. This is illegal for me to smoke this in here, by the way, now. Did you know that? You're a fucking criminal. What is it? Electronic cigarette inside of a work... What is the deal on those? I'm totally uneducated about that. Is it bad for you or good for you? Well, it's not nearly as bad for you as

cigarettes. That's a fact. But the issue is, should you be able to do it in public? And they just passed a law in LA that says you can't do it in public. But it's ridiculous because you can just do it and no one even knows you're doing it. Like, it doesn't smell like anything. But you see the smoke. Yeah, but it's vapor.

It's not really smoke. You know, like one of those blue cigarettes when you buy those things? Like, you have that commercial with Jenny McCarthy and she's, like, you know, being sexy and selling blue cigarettes. It's like an e-cigarette? Yeah, you just get a jolt of nicotine. But is there secondhand smoke, though? None. Zero. So I can't inhale his nicotine. No, no, no. You wouldn't inhale shit.

You're just getting vapor. That's all it is. It's like little electronic vaporizers. Like, look, you don't smell that. See, that one's a little different, Brian. I gotta tell you, because that looks a lot more like smoke, and it lingers in the air. Okay? Whatever that is, we're breathing it. And so we're getting some nicotine.

Yeah, I don't know. We're getting something. It's vapors. Okay, but hold on. Let's not talk shit. Who's measured that stuff? No, I'm saying that there's actually no test. Okay, now I'm smelling it. Maybe I might be onto this law. I might be down with this law.

This is filling the air. Wait a minute. You shouldn't be allowed to do that. Farts are illegal and they smell like shit. We already talked about that on the other podcast. Can't steal is filling the air. Wait a minute. You're blowing... You shouldn't be allowed to do that. Farts are illegal, and they smell like shit. We already talked about that on the other podcast. Can't steal my joke, you son of a bitch. But nicotine... And you butchered it. Yeah, you butchered it.

But is nicotine not bad for you? Nicotine is not good for you. But it's not... It's really the tar from smoking. Nicotine can be good for you in certain situations, and it's a good cognitive enhancer. It actually can give you a little boost cognitively and a little speed. It's like an accelerant.

That's why you see crazy people smoking all the time. Well, people who are very creative, like a lot of writers, love to smoke cigarettes, and they get it. From the smoking, you get a little burst of creativity. There's a lot of people that believe that. But the bottom line is there's five hundred and something chemicals in a cigarette It's not just nicotine like if you just smoked a cigar. I guarantee you it's gonna be healthier It's probably not healthy well. They put those chemicals into the cigarette. Oh, yeah to in order to make you more addicted There's a documentary or a movie on it called the the inside is the insider oh right right right

Yeah movie on it called The Insider. Oh, right, right, right. Where he's a chemist and he's talking about all the different things that are done to cigarettes to make them more addictive and how they act. And it's a fucking terrifying scene because it's just a movie. But this shit isn't fiction, man. This is a recreation of a real case.

And so when he's describing the effects of nicotine and the additives that they put in there, 500 plus, whatever they are, when he's describing the effects of nicotine and the additives that they put in there, 500 plus, whatever they are, when he's describing that, he has to be accurate. Because this is a movie that's shitting on one of the biggest companies, corporations,

on Earth. Tobacco corporations. Tobacco corporations make untold trillions of dollars every year worldwide. You're dealing with one of the biggest monsters ever. And they're not just tobacco. They diversify and they get into buying food groups. And so you can't, yeah.

Yeah, and just think of how much money they have. When you make a movie shitting on them, you gotta cross your fucking T's, dot your I's, so you know that what you're hearing is accurate. You know that what you're hearing, although incredibly terrifying, is fucking legit. Secondhand vapor from e-cigarettes contains nicotine

but not other toxins. Well, that's not cool. If it contains nicotine, you can't be blowing that out. You shouldn't be able to affect people with your shit. Yeah. You shouldn't be able to. So I agree with it.

And you know why I agree with it? Because you greedy bitches with your fucking wheelbarrows full. You got a goddamn oil can over there that you're sucking on. Yeah, look at the size of that thing. Come on, that's like a horse dick. But if people didn't used to smoke cigarettes, now suddenly they're doing this vapor stuff, right? There seems to be like a real attraction.

And then I heard that they're trying to market it to kids. There's like a watermelon bubblegum flavor. Oh, yeah. This is cotton candy. Yeah. Yeah, and I've been saying this forever.

The only reason I'm smoking this now is because it is a lot healthier than smoking a cigarette. Now, has that been proven, though? Well, I mean, I would imagine so.

I would want to know that. Why wouldn't you just find out? Well, this is just Are you imagining? So you're just sitting back imagining? Well, I think everybody agrees that this is healthier than a cigarette, though. I don't know if everybody agrees on that, Brian.

I think that it's probably healthier than a cigarette, but I'm an idiot. I don't even understand how the body works. I don't understand what the fuck... Right. I don't understand anything. There's a lot of complex functions going on right now in my body that are critical that I have no knowledge of. That's what I

know about me. I don't know shit. So when I talk to you, I know you know less than me. I'm like, well, you're fucked. You're fucked more than I'm fucked and I'm fucked. We're all fucked and everything they find out in these studies seems to reverse itself after a while anyway. So the rule should probably be put less shit in your body.

I don't drink anything except for water and coffee. Well, that is the thing, but there's also that the body adapts and the body changes. So we're dealing with a body that's dealing with this current environment. But if our environment starts to show changes, we're going to show expressions of those changes in our genetics, which is really fucking weird. You know, there's a piece that was done recently on melanin and skin and people getting darker in dark climates like Africa to avoid skin cancer, that it was a natural selection issue to deal with the radiation, that there was an extreme amount of radiation coming down at them. So there's an extreme solution by nature that turned out to be the most successful thing. So it's not that all people started black and then became white.

It's that people were growing up all over the planet in wildly different climates. And as they were evolving in these wildly different climates, different things happened to them. They might have all had an original source, monkey, or whatever the fuck we were back then, hominid. But as we spread out to all these we just we just adapted to our environment this is what reason why chinese people have like really skinny eyes i don't know what it is but whatever the reason is why they

like to develop that that thin slit where you're you know you don't have like this big wide eye and to develop like a less hairy body whatever reasons are. I don't know what they are, but that had to have come. We just thank God for them. Well, it had to have come out. I mean, when you look at an Asian woman, every one of those attributes, the little slitty eyes, so she can't see that I have no hair

because she can only see the middle part of my face, and she's got no hair, so that's really nice. Beautiful feet. A lot of them do, but there's some of those women that get their feet bound. That's an Asian thing, too. But that's how they got so nice. They were bred to have little, tiny, sweet feet.

They're not like big American women feet with the fucking bunion. And there's one toe that's longer than the other one. That doesn't bother me. No? No. The toe thing. That doesn't bother me. No? No. The toe thing, yeah. It doesn't bother me at all. But the crooked toes bother me.

Yeah. Shouldn't really care. I'm all broken up. Why would I care? Oh, yeah, yours must be all fucked up. No, they're fine. From kicking people? Yeah, that's weird.

Yeah, I don't have anything. Does your feet smell? Oh, definitely. Yeah. Whose don't? If your feet don't smell, it means you're not working. Yeah, but they're... You're not getting anything done. I feel like mine smells, like, definitely. Yeah. Whose don't? Well, I... If your feet don't smell, it means you're not working. Yeah, but they're... You're not getting anything done.

I feel like mine smell, like, bad. Like, I use foot spray and everything, and it still comes back the next day. Maybe it's a health issue. Yeah. Maybe you should wear sandals. It's a yeast thing, man. Well, you know, when your feet are sitting in these, like, polyester cotton socks, right, and you're sweating, and it's all just brewing funk in there.

I mean, when you have a plastic sock, okay, that's what a nylon sock is. You get plastic socks on. Does anybody wear nylon socks? I guess they do, right? They're kind of nylon, right? Yeah. Rayon. Whatever the fuck a sock's made out of.

It's not made out of wool, okay? And anything other than wool, it's not going to accept all that moisture and dry it up very well. So things that get soupy in there, especially if they're plastic. Cotton's pretty good about natural fibers. Well, same with your underwear. You wear fucking cotton underwear. Let those things breathe. Exactamundo.

Do your balls smell, Brian? No, but I take like two showers a day. But I was thinking they should have like ball hats, you know, like where you put your balls in like a little sock. Wouldn't that make sense? It's called underwear, dude. Yeah, but underwear doesn't like take all the sweat. They should have this thing that you put.

They're, like, smaller than pants. And you put them on. They're, like, shorter than shorts. Wait a minute. I feel you on this. Okay, what would you call them, Greg? They're under your clothes? Under the, no, I think you call them ball socks.

Ball socks. And then they have, like, an opening. What if there was, like, an opening you can't open for your penis to come out of? Like, it's there, technically, but the flap is so big that you actually can't. I'm down, dude. Let's invest money. It's an interesting thing that certain parts of nature we can't recreate, like wool. Wool is like one of the best things.

If you're ever outside in the cold and you have clothes on and you sweat and you dry off, when you're wearing wool, it wicks the water away from your body. You don't get cold. It's amazing. And it keeps water from coming in. Yeah. The difference between wool socks and wool undergarments and cotton is astounding. You wear cotton, you get sweaty, and then shit gets wet,

and then it stits you, and you freeze your fucking dick off. It's the worst in the world. If you hike somewhere, and then you sit down, like you hurt yourself maybe, and you sit down, you will get so dick off. It's the worst in the world. If you hike somewhere and then you sit down, like you hurt yourself maybe and you sit down, you will get so fucking cold. You will get so cold if you're wearing cotton. Yeah. Because it's all wet, but not wool.

Wool's amazing. We can't figure out a way to recreate that. And silk, same thing? Silk has that property as well. You've got to have worms. Yeah, silk has that property as well. Silk actually keeps you warmer than most other materials, even though it's thin. Well, it's very tight knit.

It can retain your heat very well, almost like a wetsuit or something like that. So do you wear wool socks? Yeah, man, all the time. Especially when I go out in cold places, I always wear wool socks. Oh, shit. Yeah, I should probably have wool underwear, too. Then I'm worried that my colony might fester near my asshole.

It doesn't sound comfortable. There was a video where a guy was at NAGA this weekend, and NAGA is the North American Grappling Association. They were doing a match, and they were in the middle of it,

and the guy farted. And the other guy threw up. Ah! He tapped out, and he threw up. Pull the video, Brian, because it's online. That's fucking great. That's hilarious.

And how does that get ruled? Because if that's... Oh, he tapped. The dude tapped. Look, farts are farts. Because guys will not shower so that they have stinky pits, right? Oh, yeah. So farting might be the next... Here it is.

The guy is... Okay, he's in guard. He's trying to pass guard. And the guy on the bottom, look, he starts tapping, tapping, and. So farting might be the next. Here it is. The guy is in guard, trying to pass guard. And the guy on the bottom, look, he starts tapping, tapping, and then he throws up. He really did throw up, man. I mean, look, the guy was tapping for no reason, first of all, and then he threw up. Let me see this one more time. But here's my problem with this.

So the black guy farted. I'm looking at the technique, the guy's technique, unless he gave up right away. Go all the way back to the beginning. I'm interested in what's going on here, because the guy in the bottom is... Is this like blue belts? These guys must be blue belts. Because there's a lot of space here. So wait, the guy in the white farted? Yeah, the guy in the white farted in the black dude's face.

And then he just said, man, he just farted in my face. But he really did throw up, man. He really did throw up. And the guy's like, I'm sorry. Hey, man, I'm sorry I farted in your face. You hear people laughing. Yeah, look, it happens in class all the time. When you're doing jiu-jitsu, people fart in your face all the time.

So don't you think people for matches are going to start eating fucking lentil beans? They always have. They always have. Really? People have gone into matches, especially gi guys. So don't you think people for matches are gonna start eating fucking lentil beans? They always have. They always have. Really? People have gone into matches, like, especially gi guys. They'll not wash their gi for, like, fucking days. They just smell like death.

Just smell like a rotten animal. And you got this covering your body, and you're smothering people with this rotten animal. Like, if you mount a guy, and you, you know, like, if you're in a gi match, you could press your gi up against a guy's face, and they can't get away from it. So you're putting the stinkiest, smelliest rag, and he's just thinking about all the ringworm he's getting right now, all the staph infection. It's so nasty. There's dudes that we've had to yell at.

Like, man, you've got to wash your fucking shit. You can't come in here smelling like that, because it's also how bacteria gets bred. It's how people start getting things like ringworm and things along those lines. A lot of times it's people, they'll develop colonies in their fucking clothes. I mean, the reason your clothes smell bad, it's got pneumonia or ammonia, rather, from your body, from all your sweat, all your stinky sweat fermenting. Right.

And sitting in the trunk of your car and you're pulling it out and wearing it and shoving it in someone's face. Yeah. It's fucking gross, man. Yeah. When I played hockey, everybody, nobody washed their fucking gear. And it's all like, you know, the pads are all absorbing the sweat. Guys, it's a whole fucking season. And not only is it sweating, then you stick it in a bag and zip it

until the next practice. I know a guy who got a staph infection from tie pads. Like, the leather pads, like, they were so dirty. This guy's kicking the leather pads. He gets this horrible infection all over his shins. My friend just went to Israel, and a lot of the Orthodox Jews don't really shower

very much, and apparently you shouldn't fly. I think it's El Al, and I should be careful what I'm saying, because this could really get them. This is not anti-semitic this is a Jewish a Jewish family my friend's married to a Jewish woman and her family said no you don't fly ll because it's got a lot of the I don't know if it's acidic or I think I guess

it's acidic Jews and the plane you could say can you imagine sitting next to somebody for 10 hours that has that rank putrid sour steak stink. No, I can't. I couldn't fucking do it. Oh my god. I mean, it busts happen all the time though, right? Oh yeah. So I guess there's other airlines that fly there that's not as concentrated. Dude, god damn. What kind of a wacky religion

would tell you to just smell as horrible as you can? Just let yourself funkify. Just your balls are cheesy. We know that you're supposed to be clean, you fuck. Right. You know what they say, though? They say you're actually probably better off washing yourself with no soap. Just washing off

all the dirt and all the stuff. Yeah. And letting the funk smell just grow on you. You'll develop, if you're eating healthy, you'll develop some sort of healthy skin flora. But the problem that I have with that is, man, you'll develop, like, if you're eating healthy, you'll develop some sort of a healthy skin flora. Yeah. But the problem that I have with that is, man, you're going to, look, you're going to be gross.

Like, if you wash yourself, you're still, like, you're scrubbing off a lot of the bad stuff. And you smell better. And you can interact with people better. That's got to count for something. It does. Bill Gates, apparently, was disgusting. It's got to count for something. It does. Bill Gates apparently was disgusting. It was like, no, seriously, like I read his biography and nobody wanted to work with him. Nobody could stand next to him.

He was like a real hippie. And he didn't wear shoes and he just, you know, he had long hair when he was younger and he was just like this disgusting, gross hippie. Steve Jobs, you mean? What did I say? No, you said Bill Gates. Oh, fuck. Did you mean Steve Jobs?

I meant Steve Jobs. Oh, they're a different guy. Fuck. Bill Gates guy is still alive. Didn't he used to put his feet in the toilet or something? I can't remember. What? Yeah.

Why would he put his feet in the toilet? To wash them. To wash them. Ew. Yeah, he was gross. Oh, God. I don't use deodorant. I've never used deodorant.

Really? I just don't have that. My pits smell like just a little bit, but probably about the same as somebody who uses it. Because the more you use deodorant, it clogs up the pores in your pits, and it actually makes it worse. And it can cause cancer. Well, I always felt that people who think they don't smell usually probably smell. You want to smell me, Brian? No, don't do it.

Don't do it. I won't allow you to. It's a derailment. It's going to ruin the show. You're going to throw up, and we're going to have me, Brian? No, don't do it. Don't do it. I won't allow you to. It's a derailment. It's going to ruin the show. You're going to throw up, and we're going to have to clean up. No, I guarantee. Get in there.

Is it bad? God, you're so full of shit. No, no, no. It's actually pretty nice. It's pretty nice. You took a shower before you came here. Yeah. You just came a couple of days in traffic.

Hey, I took the 405 to the 101 and then into a podcast. If I was going to stink, I would stink. Yeah, now would be the time. Yeah. It's true. It's true. Some people to the 101 and then into a podcast. If I was going to stink, I would stink. Yeah, now would be the time. Yeah. It's true. It's true.

Some people, you ever interview someone on a podcast and you see they're fucking sweating? And you're like, wow, people get nervous on these fucking things. They do now. It used to be nothing. Right. It used to be just go on and talk and no one worries about shit. I've had people show up at their publicists. A lot of people.

Yeah. A lot of people show up at their publicists. Yeah. I've had their publicists ask me questions. What are you guys going to talk about? Right. We're going to talk about you. Right. How lot of people. A lot of people show up with their publicists. Yeah. I've had the publicists ask me questions. What are you guys going to talk about? We're going to talk about you. Right. How unnecessary you are.

Well, your client, first your client's going to smoke pot, and then I'm going to ask them about their balls. Here's what's not going to happen. We're not going to take direction from you crazy. Right, right. Get the fuck out of here with that. Although it is nice, though. I fucking hate booking guests, and I love it when a publicist, like I got a relationship

with a couple of them that have cool clients. yeah no like Jim Jeffries uh publicist has got like a bunch of really cool people that he sends me no there's definitely cool publicists the problem is when they want to start like dictating what the client will and won't be willing to do like like I don't ever want to talk about something this person doesn't want to talk about I don't want to like pull any dirt on anybody I want you to have a conversation I want to find out what's going on inside your head that's what I want so don't worry about it and if you don't want them saying what's going inside there you guys need to talk yeah you know you guys should talk amongst yourselves and

figure out what the fuck you're doing because you're gonna pretend to be somebody else you're gonna have a problem no matter what you do just be yourself yeah and a good publicist will only put you on a show that is a good match you work with Michael O'Brien, right? Yeah, me too. He's a great guy. He's the greatest guy in the world, and he is all about matches, so that when he approaches the AV Club or the New York Times or whatever,

he would never bring them a client that's not appropriate for them and vice versa, and that's why he's got such a great reputation. Well, he also enjoys what he's doing. He enjoys comedians. He enjoys the world of stand-up comedy. He's a very bright guy. So he's got all these good things going for him. And a great roster.

All his roster are interesting people that are kind of independent thinking. Yeah. He's an awesome dude, man. He's awesome. And it definitely does help if you want to get on. I mean, if you wanted to just get on a Letterman show or you wanted to do all these different things, it would be fucking a pain in the ass for you to organize that shit yourself and go chase all that shit down yourself. But if you have a publicist doing it, they do all the legwork for you.

They have direct connections with all these people that book these shows. It makes it more convenient. Right. You know, I think that in today's day and age, you know, it's all about finding someone who's going to let you express yourself is with as little sort of push as possible. As far as a publicist? Yeah. As far as anything, as far as a manager, as far as an agent. Ari had a situation where he dumped his manager or his manager's agent, whoever it was, because the guy was telling him not to do a poop joke because it was a shit joke.

He's like, look, it's a shit joke. You should stop doing it. It's a shit joke. Meanwhile, the bit destroys. And Ari's like, okay, you don't get it. So he gets rid of him, which is what Ari would typically do. But he's right. You can't have a guy like that in your lineup. You can't have a guy who thinks that one of your best bits ever

is not good because it's about shitting yourself. Right, right. Especially when it actually did happen. I mean, he's telling a real story about something that happened to him. There's a bridge in Sydney that you walk across. It's this crazy fucking bridge. And once you're committed to walking across that thing, it's a half an hour journey.

And in the middle of it, he had a shit. Like, bad. And he shit himself. And it's fucking hilarious. The story is hilarious. And this dummy was saying, you shouldn't tell it because it's a shit story. Right. It's not like he's got a history of shit stories. He's got a history of stories. You know,

Ari talks about whatever it is that he thinks is funny. Well, I remember Louis C.K. had an agent, and Louis was going to go out to pitch a sitcom idea. And the agent goes, okay, so we're going to set a meeting on Tuesday. And Louis is like, okay, great. Who is it with? And he's like, you know, with us.

So you could come in and pitch to us, and we can give you notes. And Louis was like, here's your job. You call the network, and you set up up a meeting and I go pitch to them. I don't pitch to you. I don't fucking take notes from you. So then he, of course, went out and sold the fucking show. Wow. Yeah.

Wow, that's ridiculous. They wanted to be a part of the creative process. Well, unless you asked them to. Some people feel like, hey, you know, I'm not sure about this pitch. Maybe you guys know what people are buying. But you don't tell the client to come in and do it. Yeah, you're right, especially when the guy's Louis C.K. But I know of an agent that has one particularly needy client

where they go over their set list. They go over every bit they do. They go over any idea that they're going to pitch. They have mock pitch meetings. And he makes the agents be a part of all this. And he calls them up all day, every day. He calls them up constantly, many times a day. And I realize, I talk to my agent every couple months.

And I just say, you're working for me. I get shit. But then I think about the clients that are on. Every time I call the other guys on the other fucking line, I realize he's getting more for his 10% than I'm getting for my 10%. But the guy who Woody Allen first worked with, this manager, he had like three fucking clients. And it was like Steve Martin, Woody Allen, and somebody else.

And this guy would go to every fucking set. This is early on. He'd go to the comedy cellar with Cafe Wa where Woody Allen was first working out before he had any success. Wow. He knew this guy was brilliant

and he'd go to a coffee shop with him afterwards and they'd talk about his set and how he should maybe write short stories about it. Those days are gone, Mac. Can you imagine? I mean, you have that relationship

I think with Jeff Sussman where you trust him creatively and you can have talks about content. Definitely. Well, Jeff is the funniest manager ever. He could have been a comic. He didn't know desire to be a comic, but he easily could have been a comic. He's funny. He says funny shit. Right. And he doesn't buy into nonsense. Like, you know, he's like the first guy to call bullshit on something. Like I want to, I don't want to mention particular names but guys that he was right about you know we're like that guy's there's nothing happening there stop just stop it like somebody would try to say that this guy is funny this guy's good he's like this is not gonna work he's not gonna last

like he's doing bullshit up there yeah and then everybody's like i thought he was doing really well i thought he had a good set tonight and then a a year later, Sussman's right. He's got a weird sense of comedy. He's a weird guy, but he's also like, he's like a real old school manager, you know? Like he's like involved in the full career. It's a project for him. Like Kevin James, whether it's me, whether it's the other guys that he handles, like he's involved, like it's a project. Like you really are working with him. He's a weird dude. But he also trusts everybody he works with. He knows that if Kevin's going to do his thing, Kevin's going to do it the best

that he can do it. He knows if I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it the best. And he knows that we'll bring him in and ask questions to him because we respect him as a person. But he never feels like it's his job to tell you to come in and you're going to pitch to him and then we're going to go out. And also to respect your clients.

I know a lot of managers, big managers, they got clients they don't respect. They talk shit about them. And you're sitting there, and you're like, okay, I get that you're making fun of this guy, but you represent him. That means he should be an extension of you. Yeah. Well, there's very few people that are like that. That's one of the things about Sussman that makes him so amazing. He's just, uh, I'm so lucky I met that guy, man.

I met him when I was an open miker, you know, because I've had the same manager for 20 fucking three years or something crazy like that. I mean, that was a scrub when that dude found me. That's amazing. He's the best. He's just a great guy too. You know, it's like the more great people that you have that are around you, that you really love being around, like like you see him like whether we're talking about brody when you see brody get this big i have a lot of people like that in my life like sussman's one of them i see him i just get this big burst of happiness you know it's like that guy represents like a long-term friendship a great guy just the more people like that you can have in your life the better your life will be yeah i think that uh you know my

my circle gets smaller and smaller and it's and it just feels good because because i just realized like i can't possibly like you and i we don't spend enough time together shooting pool just you know i i want to fucking go yeah we'll go on the road together and i realize there's so many people that i i have to because like they're my kids, friends, parents. Oh, that's brutal. And it's like, oh, man, this is time for my life. I could be fucking out with Rogan. We could be having fun and just laughing like ridiculous idiots.

Right, right. Yeah, there's definitely that. I mean, it's nice when you run into it. We have some friends that our kids are friends with, and they're really interesting people well you gotta find friends that have kids and let your kids become friends that's the order that's a good order okay i have that with callan his kids are friends with my kids right um but it's just fucking like the random chance of meeting like the parents of one of your daughter's friends and you being forced to like have conversations with those people and have it be enjoyable.

Oh, God. You have to listen to some. First of all, you see people disrespect each other. If you go on dates and you see like the husband will disrespect the wife or the wife will disrespect the husband. They'll do it in front of you like to like check each other. Yeah. Whoa.

Yeah. And you're just around this. You know that there's some darkness as soon as they get in that car. You know, it's those doors shut. of you like to like check each other and you're like whoa yeah and you're just around this you know that there's some darkness as soon as they get in that car you know it says those doors shut they know they're alone you fucking cunt you fucking ruin the entire dinner fuck you you're a coward why did you ask him about being a podcaster you know he's you know he does his own thing he's on pot you know he's on pot right all that kind of shit. But I think that there's a certain amount you expect. If I go out to dinner with another couple, me and my wife,

we're going to talk about them as soon as the door closes. But it's going to be fun. It's not going to be like hardcore. It's going to be like, oh, did you see when he said that thing? Yes. Right? You know, did you see that? And you kind of like have your notes as soon as the door closes.

But it's not mean-spirited. But with those people, sometimes with the wrong couple, you feel like, man, they're going out to dinner with us for the wrong reason. Yeah. My deal breaker, number one deal breaker, is someone who's rude to the help. Oh. I've had that happen a few times where you go out with folks and the husband's rude to the waiter like for no reason like orders them around or something or does something that's gross or tips really shitty like you look at how you split the bill and then you can see how much each is paying on the bill

yeah the tipping shitty is a fucking that's a sign of really bad character right right you know it's a the whole that's a very bad exchange because the person is sort of acquiescing. They're serving you. Nobody wants to serve you, man. Someone's serving you. They're at your beck and call trying to do a good job, and you don't reward them for that. You're ruining the whole relationship.

The whole relationship is artificial. They don't want to serve you, dummy. They're serving you because that's how they make a living, and you're supposed to reward them for it. It's a good system. If you're a waiter in another country, you don't make as much money as a waiter in America if you're a good waiter. Because they don't have fucking tipping. You get paid,

you work for the business, and maybe they treat you really well. Which is how it should be, by the way. I don't get... Why isn't 20% just added into the bill and you pay it? Sometimes it is. But here's the thing. A lot of people get mad when they see it. A lot of people went, well, how come it has to be 18%? Who the fuck says I'm going to tip 18%?

I'm going to tell you something. Well, this guy was just fucking late with the water. And everybody wants what they want. They want control. They want judgment. If a plumber comes over to my house and he gets there late and maybe he makes a mess, I don't get to pay him less. Right.

Of course. He's giving me a service. He's doing his best. I can choose somebody else next time. The idea is that when you go to a restaurant, it's not like you're going to pick the same waiter. You don't want to have to take a chance on someone knowing that you're going to tip well. What you want to do is go to a place and assume that everyone's going to tip well. If you want to work at that place,

you should assume that everyone that comes in is going to be nice. Now, in the perfect world, it would all be the guy's going to get paid the same amount no matter what. But then where would be the motivation to be really nice? Like part of what you're getting when you go to a restaurant, you deal with a waiter, is fake bullshit. You're paying for that fake bullshit. Sir, would you like the Oregon

Pinot Noir? I recommend it's fruity notes. Who are you, man? Who are you? Why is this interaction happening in such a strange way? Why did you just say fruity notes? Why are you calling me Mr. Rogan? Why are you calling me sir? This is weird shit, man. You're just a dude and I'm a dude. What do you got, man? What's good? What's good to eat here?

Why did you ask me three times how things are going? I was in the middle of a sentence, and you broke it up with, is everything okay? It was until you fucking interrupted me. I'm giving you 20%. Back off. The problem is also,

if you get bad service, it's just as likely that it's because the manager understaffed, or the cook is fucking drunk, so the food's not coming out in time. So the waiter is bearing the brunt of a bunch of things that could be going wrong. Right, right, right. Yeah, the waiter is definitely the guy who's taking the heat.

But, you know, they're not all innocent either. You know, sometimes you get a shit waiter. Right. And you should pay them less. You should tip them less for sure. Yeah. But if you get a really good one, you should tip them more. Yeah.

I think it's a good system. I think it's a good system. I think it's a good system as long as people are cool. Well, then we should extend it to other jobs. We should. That's where it gets weird. I was talking to these girls at Starbucks, and they were at Starbucks at the airport, and normally they don't have a tip thing.

And I go, do you guys have a tip thing now? And she goes, yeah, we're not supposed to, but fuck it. And I go, yeah, fuck it. You should have a tip thing. I go, how come you guys have a tip thing now? And she goes, yeah, we're not supposed to, but fuck it. I go, yeah, fuck it. You should have a tip thing. I go, how come you guys have a tip thing and other people don't? Is that what it is? That other people don't have a tip thing so they get upset? Oh, it was the bookstore.

That's what it was. And she was like, yeah, that's exactly what it is. Like the people that work selling books, they don't get tips. So they get upset that we get tips just because we sell coffee. All we're doing is serving coffee. Right. But they have a jar that they left. We're like, fuck it.

We're just putting the tip out. I'm like, ooh, I love it. Some inter-fucking-business turmoil. Well, think about McDonald's. They're making minimum fucking wage. No tip cup. Where's the tip jar? They're standing around Greece all day.

They're dealing with, you know, I mean, let's be honest. People at McDonald's are not the same customer base as Starbucks. Starbucks, you got a bunch of, you know, well-paid people, well-mannered, and they're coming in, and then you get tips. McDonald's, you're getting fat, stupid people that eat McDonald's food. You're dealing with them.

You're dealing with a kitchen that's filled with minimum-wage cooks, so they fucking suck, and you're not getting a tip. How does that make sense? It doesn't make any sense. There's way worse jobs in this world. There's like all jobs are not created equal by any stretch of the imagination. Right. But those bad ones almost exist to let you know, like as an individual,

of course they exist in a system, a society system, but as an individual, those jobs almost exist to let you know that you for sure don't want to do that. It's like the feeling of it being, it's like being in a real bad relationship, right? Like what gets you out of a relationship? You fucking explode. That's what happens. You get to a certain point where you're like, will you just shut the fuck up and leave me alone? I can't take it as negativity anymore. We're done.

We're done here. Okay, boom. Like you have to hit this well. You got to hit the bottom in order to change yeah and you gotta have that mcdonald's job to appreciate a really good job and it's great to talk about later like you and i we talked about our first jobs it gave you the motivation to get get on your fucking horse and get out of there yeah if you didn't have that motivation and that's where when we're talking about money like about our society designed to

sort of encourage motivation which encourages success which encourages financial rewards encourages you more attractive to the opposite sex when you're driving a ferrari to a lot of chicks that's a fact a lot of people get really mad at that but that's a fact it's just a fact i mean there's just too many dudes who are ugly and old who have really hot wives. I mean, it's just fact. Guys get billions of dollars in giant yachts, and they're fucking these hot chicks, and it doesn't make any sense, but that's a fact. You can't deny that fact. Why does that fact exist? Well, it exists because we've got a weird system.

We've got a weird system, and that's one of the holes in the system. One of the holes in the system is that achievement has superseded actual physical desire for a lot of these poor gold diggers. And they let this wrinkly old cocksucker shoot his dry loads into you. And you've got to pretend you love it. Oh, baby. Oh, yeah. Put it in my mouth, baby. You're like that guy who got his face farted on

and threw up at Naga. That's what you're thinking. This old man fucking creeps on you. Yeah, and he doesn't shower on purpose just to degrade you further. Like, if it's all about the money, yeah, why don't you suck it now, baby? Well, there's a lot of guys

that definitely have a resentment towards these gold diggers. Oh, hell yeah. For sure, especially once the woman's, the fun has worn off of the game of pretending you're attracted to the man, which, you know, if you're a guy who's not attractive and you're successful

and you believe in your head that you're something cool, something special about you. Look how well I've done and this defines me. This watch, see this watch? It's a $50,000 watch and this is a fucking $20 million estate. And you get that shit in your head and you get a girl and she tricks you with your own ego. Baby, you're just amazing to be around. I'm just so lucky we met each other. Meanwhile, she is perfect her tits are just melons bobbing

gently in this really strange thin material clothes that she wears that clings over her hips and just inches lower than her vagina just hanging inches lower than a vagina her bubble ass and perfect legs gap under the toes you know Jesus Christ and she justainted toes. Yoga. And you're like, Jesus Christ. And she just strokes your cock, kisses you, and you're like, I'm marrying this bitch. Wait, is she Asian? I am married. Is she Asian? Yes, yes, yes. Of course she is. Thai. She's like Thai

or something like that. She's Thai, so she gives you that shoulder rub. Oh, yeah. And that's the thing is you realize with her, not only am I getting the fucking body, I'm getting shoulder rubs, I'm getting subservience, the bitch can cook. She treats the help well. She gets it.

And you can go out with her and she knows how to treat your friends. She knows how to kiss you in front of your friends. She poisons you in your sleep because she realizes that she's tricked you

into having a shitty will where she gets everything. Because your kids are, she convinced you that your kids would be better off if you didn't give them a safety net because that would make them successful like you. So she played to your ego and you that your kids would be better off if you didn't give them a safety net, because that would make them successful like you. So she played to your ego, and you cut the kids out of the will

and gave all the money to this crazy Thai bitch who starts slowly poisoning your drink. And she won. She earned it. That's the thing about Anna Nicole Smith, when his fucking stupid kids wanted his estate. No, Anna Nicole was sucking his dick. Didn't you do a bit about this?

Yeah, fuck yeah. It was one of my closers in 1999. It was a whole thing about them saying like, oh my god, she's taking advantage of him. She's only with him for his money. I'm like, don't you think he fucking knows? That guy made a billion dollars from scratch.

Chances are he's a tad crafty. And it was like this whole thing about how you want to die. Do you want to die shaking and alone in your hospital bed, surrounded by loved ones? Or do you want to get a big, fat Kentucky Fried Hooker and just blow it out? That's what he did. And it was all him dying, telling her to lick his ass

and all the different shit he did to her right before he died. And the kids have done nothing, and they think they deserve it. You were raised with all that fucking money. You went to private schools. You had tennis coaches. He probably bought you houses. Why do you need more? What the fuck did you do?

You didn't suck his dick. Yeah, you need to get your own money, stupid. Right. You rode the ride, and now it's over. And I think also, and this sounds fucked up, but that exists because it's a predatory situation. You're, you pray, you know, if you're a vulnerable, old, weak, emotional guy who also has a billion dollars, women are going to pray on you. They're going to pretend to be something they're not. And they

might even convince themselves that they are that something that they're pretending to be because their instinct to try to acquire your wealth and your social status is so strong that they want to be the Trump girl. They want to be the new girl that Trump leaves his wife for. Yeah, I don't think it's black and white. I mean, if you're a woman that grew up in that paradigm, maybe your dad had money and your mother was a stay-at-home mom and maybe she had a hint of that. And then all of a sudden, you're involved in charitable organizations and you're taking his wealth and you're channeling it to positive things. So it starts to not necessarily be about,

is he the one I would have married just based on his looks and his charisma? But it starts to become about like, well, life is pairing up with somebody and being powerful. Like you watch House of Cards? No, I haven't. Don't you fucking spoiler

alert me. Just to say the relationship is about power. I know that movie, that show rather, is supposed to be amazing. It's amazing. I'm jumping onto it next. But it's basically about how a couple can be together because they're a power couple. And it's interesting. Bill and Hillary. Most likely, right? Right, right. Most likely?

Absolutely. Most presidents. I think probably you have to be. I don't think you can do that thing on your own. I think that's a nutty fucking job. And the First Lady has a prominent role in our culture. I mean, she's constantly speaking and doing these things. And I think you're dead right. I think you're dead right about that.

And I think it's also that we're also talking about just two stops on a broad range of possibilities from ultimately totally evil Russian hot prostitute who steals your organs when you're asleep to someone who just doesn't want to work and the guy's kind of cool and he treats her good and so she stays with him. Yeah. You know, I've seen both. I've seen both. I've seen people get victimized and I've seen people that are just in sort of this relationship where I wouldn't want it, but it works for them. And sometimes they're out in the open with it. The woman will tease and be like, oh, honey, you know I wouldn't be with you if it wasn't for the fucking money. Oh, it's not even a tease.

And he goes, of course I know that. That's a movie. That's in a movie. What was the movie that was in? There was a movie that was in where the— Platoon. Well, no, the— Schindler's List

Terms of Endearment he can't even help it you do it right away He should he go right to fucking platoon and the picture and organs hanging out on on the beach I forget the movie man, but it was just about about a guy who lost everything and In the scene like his wife was laughing about it when everything was going great. And then when he did lose all the money, she did fucking leave him. Well, actually,

it was in The Wolf of Wall Street, too. It's a common theme. In The Wolf of Wall Street, obviously, it was a crazy, coked-up fucking maniac piece of shit. But when he was going under and his business was going under, that's when the wife left him.

When he was doing great, the wife wanted him when he was married to another woman. I mean, like, it was a classic story. So it's not like that's an unfamiliar paradigm to us.

It's nature. It's a wounded antelope that gets taken out by the lion. And she needs somebody to provide for her. Or she doesn't, but in that role,

she does. If she chooses that role, if she chooses the role of fucking the old, wrinkly, shaky man with his fucking pale translucent dick that he sticks inside we could see as he's coming you'd see the veins like pump whatever blood they've got and it's like a little highway going down his fucking saran wrap skin filled with viag Yeah, and just shooting dust bubbles into her pussy.

Yeah. Yeah, man. Pinching her nipples. You can take that choice. Or you could start an art gallery and become a multimillionaire on your own. I mean, you could do that too. But when you are that girl, okay, if you are that 25-year-old girl with an Adderall problem that's looking to try to hook up with some old billionaire dude and marry him

so that he'd be taken care of for life. That's your role. That's what you've chosen. You might have more potential than that, but it doesn't mean that that's not what you've chosen. Oh, you don't even know, baby. She's so slick. She's so smart.

I mean, that is one of the smartest girls I've ever met in my life. When she met him and she put all that together, it doesn't matter. You're talking nonsense. She's still that girl. She's a prostitute. You can't say, no, no, no. Listen, you can't say she's a prostitute because I know her and she put all... It doesn't matter. You're talking nonsense. She's still that girl. She's a prostitute. You can't say...

No, no, no. Listen, you can't say she's a prostitute because I know her and she's powerful. And what she did was... She's really clever and she figured out a way to manipulate guys. No, no, no. She's still a prostitute.

You're missing the whole point. It doesn't matter if she has all those potentials. She reads 150 books a week. Don't fucking tell me that girl is so goddamn smart. Oh, my God. You're saying she's not smart? No.

She's a hooker. All right. She's playing the role of a hooker. That's what she's doing. So what's the opposite in terms of a female and a male? Because sometimes women are so hot that the guy is getting something out of her and he's putting up with not not having love, not having respect for her, but wanting that pussy so bad, or that status of being with somebody that's that hot, that in the same way, he's a prostitute for what he's getting from her. Oh, yeah.

There's exchanges other than money that are unfair. The reason the old man gets the girl in the first place is because of his fucking money. That's it. So it's honest. Both people know what they're getting. Sort of, but it's not. Because they're playing a game called love. And the game is, baby, I love you. I'm just so happy to be with you. Oh, you love

me, huh? Come here. You want some dick? I love your dick, baby. They're playing a game. And somebody wins in the end. There's a winner and a loser. They both win. He gets pussy. Unless she drugs him. You would never get that pussy if she drugs him. It's a problem. Right. Well, it's a matter about maintaining that relationship and just allowing her to fuck her personal trainer.

Right. Because she's going to. Sure. Okay? She's going to. Look how hot she is. She's got this little waist, this dynamic body. She's 25 years old, and you're 90.

She's going to fuck her trainer. Right. Just accept it. Be happy that you can fuck her, and don't ask questions. Pretty girl seems to find out early. Yeah, that's hot. Out open doors with just a smile. Yeah.

Rich old man, she won't have to worry. It's a fucking Great Eagles song, man. Yeah, it's one of the great ones. You can't hide your lying eyes, man. It's a fucking jam.

Right. It's a jam. See, it's gotta be hard for you because when you met your wife, you were already very successful. You had money. For me,

I had my girl, I fucked up because i was single when i met my girl my now wife i had a fucking i had an mtv game show and i was like i met her at the wrong fucking time i could have lined up so much but that's not true because you you enjoyed it see everybody's worried about what they but you still do, everybody's worried about what they... But you still do. But everybody's worried about what they didn't do. Right. This is the number... Ah, I should have done this.

No, you shouldn't have. Right. Like, I've had people in my life that tell me the most important thing that ever happened to them was fucking up. Because if you fuck up, then you realize you fucked up, and that's what motivates you to get away from fucking up. McDonald's. If you say, I should have never done that.

Of course you should have done it! Yeah. I lost everything. I fucked up getting that marriage, man. You should have fucking got married. You should have lost's. If you say, I should have never done that. Of course you should have done it. I lost everything. I fucked up getting that marriage. You should have fucking got married. You should have lost everything. Now you know. Right.

You win. Now you win. You got the knowledge. Don't ever let it happen again. Don't use it as an excuse to just wallowing in your own suffering. There's nothing worse

than the wallowing fucking divorced guy. You know, he's living in a condo in Marina Del Rey and he's fucking going to the same bar every night and the same star.

He's one of those guys where like the woman at Starbucks knows his name because his life has become so simplified and dumbed down because he's afraid to move forward after a divorce. Eddie Bravo used to be

a DJ at a strip club when we first met. And Eddie introduced me to the game of how these girls would go about getting men to buy them things. I'd be friends with these girls. I knew them through him. They were nice people. I didn't have

relationships with them, so I was just talking to them. They would tell me about these guys that they were hooking up with that would buy them cars and shit and how they would do it. I visited him at work. I'm like, what's going on, man? He's like, nothing, dude. Check this out. You're going to talk to this

girl, and then one of her clients, when she comes in, you've got to see. This guy just bought her a truck. He bought her a Yukon Denali. And so the girl's hanging out with her friends, and this guy comes in who was there's a classic story. He's a wounded gazelle. 55-year-old, divorced guy.

Works for the post office. Coming in with his postal jacket on. He's Norm classic story. It's a wounded gazelle. 55-year-old, divorced guy, works for the post office, coming in with his postal jacket on. He's Norm from Cheers. He bought her a $35,000 car, man. And this guy, he bought her a fucking Yukon Denali. It was a nice car. Maybe $35,000 is the wrong number. I'm just throwing it out there.

Whatever it is, he bought her a new car. So she sees him, and she goes, oh, my God. And she runs over over like little baby steps like a girl and she's fucking naked man she's naked she's in her underwear she's got a bikini on

and she goes over and gives this guy a hug and you can see this guy is defenseless there's no way in the world that a girl that looks like that

would ever have that kind of reaction to him so he's gotta pay for that you gotta pay for that and you gotta pay for it by buying her a car or taking care of reaction to him. So he's got to pay for that. You've got to pay for that. And you've got to pay for it by buying her a car or taking care of her fucking credit problem that she's got or, you know, whatever.

You've got to figure out how to pay for that shit because there's no other way that you're going to get that relationship. But when I watched it, I looked at Eddie, and he was like, that shit's straight mercenary, right? And I was like, this is crazy. Like, they just put a con game on these guys well i got a friend who's like he seems to like make friends with rich people and he's a good guy but it's weird and uh he says that a few of these guys they really do take care of girls they've got

like an apartment in new york that she lives in she gets a check every month i mean figure it costs them 50 grand a year and these are guys that have fucking 30 million dollars so to have a relationship set up when they come to town they don't have to call an escort service and they don't have to go out and try to make a straight relationship where they have to send flowers and call every day they come to town she's fucking gorgeous you know powerful. It's all on the table. And they've got like three cities set up. And when he comes to town, she is available 24-7, whatever the fuck he wants.

And I bet they have some kind of friendship underneath it all. Maybe not. Well, that would be great if it all worked out like that, right? If that was the arrangement and it all worked out like that, right? If that was the arrangement and it all worked out like that. Right. But the problem with people is there's never really a static state that maintains itself for any long periods of time when it comes to relationships. You're either kind of all in or you drift in and out of each other or— She finds another guy.

Yeah. I mean, people are weird. It's very difficult to make—so how are you going to maintain a long-term prostitutional relationship? You're not. Most likely you're not. They're unstable people to begin with. Yeah. Most likely. I mean, you're painted out to be awesome and beautiful, but the reality is

that's not what the girl wants. She wants to find a guy. Either if she wants someone to take care of her, she wants to find a guy to take care of her and be her lover and her boyfriend or her husband or whatever. And for this guy that thinks that he's gonna like maintain you're gonna have to manage each one of these situations if you're some crazy ceo of some giant corporation you got like four apartments scattered out across the country with chicks living in them you gotta maintain these positions yeah like who's who's fucking her when you're not there what's happening

is anybody plotting your death you better be sure you know What did you sign? Did you sign anything crazy? Does she have any photographs of your dick? Did you give her a credit card? Yeah. Did you give her a credit card? Well, it's like you'd have to monitor these situations. This ain't going to be a normal person. It's going to be a person that's willing to fuck you because you pay for them.

Right. And they might be crazy. Yeah. Easily might be crazy. I heard this dude. I was at the W and sitting in the lobby waiting. And there's this to me and he's got an accent sounds Scandinavian and he's going up Oh, I got you on the phone. You've been so hard to reach lately, baby I you know, you know, I I'm so crazy, but you're so beautiful. I can't wait to get you out

You need to stop going to college you come I take care of he never met her and he was talking on the phone clearly Met on some kind of high-end dating service where You come in. I take care of you. He never met her. And he was talking on the phone. Clearly met on some kind of high-end dating service where you get women that you take care of. Yeah. And she was flirting back. And they were making plans for her to fly out for a week. He was going to take her to the best restaurants in LA, blah, blah, blah. So he's telling her all the things he's going to bribe her with.

Right. And he had seen her pictures online. They had talked on the phone clearly a few times. And he was closing. He was making the arrangements to fly her out. Okay. Why do we have a problem with that? Why does anybody have a problem with that? I've seen her pictures online. They had talked on the phone clearly a few times, and he was closing. He was making the arrangements to fly her out. Okay, why do we have a problem with that? Why does anybody have a problem with that?

I don't think anyone should have a problem with that. They shouldn't, right? Eyes are open. Everyone's eyes are open. I think all prostitution should be legalized. I think that whorehouses should be legalized. I think that having whores on the street or having to go through Craigslist, it's horrible. The reality is people are going to use whores.

Put it on the table. Legalize it. Make them get tested for STDs. Make sure they're keeping their money. They're not getting fucking beaten up. And relationships like this should be fine. Yeah, well, it's unbelievably fascinating that you have something that everybody wants and everybody gets for free. But as soon as you attach money to it,

it has this massive stigma to it. Right, right. Like, you know, saying that these prostitution relationships aren't stable. What relationships are, you know,

are, if you, you hook up with someone, is that going to be stable? If you just meet people randomly and have sex with them, you agree to have sex with each other. Is that going to be stable? You sure?

It might not be stable either. You might run into instability everywhere you turn. But the main reason why we have all these negativity, negative ideas attached to the idea of prostitution is because it's illegal. What if you hook up one night with a chick, you bought dinner, you bought drinks, you paid for the cab back to the apartment,

you spent all the money, you guys fuck. How is that different than handing a girl money and having sex with her? How about all those things are just you dating and there's nothing wrong with being nice and being nice to someone

and taking a friend out or driving them around and taking them to a nice restaurant. Nothing wrong with that. But then what if she says, I've got this situation. I'm three months from hurting my rent

and I don't know what to do. And you're like, look, I'll just take care of it. Right. And you write her a check and then she sucks your dick. What happened there? Right. What happened there? Did you pay for her to suck your dick? I don't know what to do. And you're like, look, I'll just take care of it. Right. And you write her a check, and then she sucks your dick. What happened there? Right.

What happened there? Did you pay for her to suck your dick? We don't know. She might have sucked your dick anyway. You might have been like, listen, baby, you know you don't get money from me, but you do get dick. And you pull your dick out, and then she blows you. That's different.

Right. But most guys can't pull that off. What about a marriage where the wife does not work, has never earned a dime, she's having sex with you? That's prostitution, according to some people. According to some people, it certainly is. I mean, according to a lot of male feminists, it would be. Right.

Right? Yeah. I mean, it's money coming in and sex going out. I mean, if that's what you want to look at. But it's agreements. The problem is the idea of money. It's agreements. That's where the idea of prostitution sort of it comes down to what it comes down to is are people having sex with people that they might not necessarily have been willing to without any

benefit but that benefit exists so they are willing to do it is that prostitution because if it if that benefit is only money then you're you're defining sex for something as sex for money. That's prostitution. But everything is sex for something. If you see, like you were talking about the Ferrari thing before. If you're at a club and you see a guy pull up in a Ferrari and you go home with that guy, part of the reason you went home with him is you saw the Ferrari. There's not dollars exchanged, but there's

an implicit understanding this dude's got money and he spends it like a fucking lunatic. Yep. And you want to be around that. That's a good point that he spends it like a fucking lunatic. That's a great point because that's really what it is. A guy who's so flashy, he's driving a $250,000 car. He's not going to hesitate to give you a couple grand here and there. Right. You know, you want to buy a new pair of shoes?

He's like, here. Fucking peels off some hundreds. Right. Gives you a kiss on the cheek and goes back to doing business. Buy! Sell! Buy! Sell!

He's the fucking, some crazy multi-millionaire maniac banker dude. Right. And you're in, it's a party and you just got invited. You're going to be around this fucking. Yeah, you're part of the party. This guy who doesn't give a shit about money. He knows he's going to die soon because he's on Adderall and he's chain smoking. He's a drunk.

And wherever you go, you're eating the best steaks. You're getting into the best clubs. Life is fucking good. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I'm fucking him. Yeah. Yeah, you're Walter McLevin's wife.

And when you show up at the country club, oh, Mrs. McLevin, please come on in. And you've got a little poodle with you, and you fucking walk in your $3,000 shoes, and you waddle in there and take your tennis lesson and your tennis player fucking bones you in the locker room. Bam. And he knows it. Then the husband says, bring him over.

I want to watch. Oh, Jesus. I think that's ugly. A lot of guys won't do that, Brian. I don't think that's a normal thing. No. I don't think that's a... thing No I don't think that's Watching Wanting to watch That's a weird thing And then the cuckold porn Just lets you know

Cuckold porn Where do you find that I haven't really seen that You can find it online Just type in cuckold porn Don't do it Brian But if you Can you tell if it's real or not

No Of course not Because casting couch Is fucking real I don't care what anybody says Sometimes it's real Sometimes it's not The main thing is Before before they do anything,

they have to sign agreements. They have to get tested. That's the reason why, because legally they have to get a test within 30 days. Okay, but isn't that just in California? And aren't a lot of these done in other states? Seems like a lot are in Arizona. Laws are different all over the country.

All I know is, there's one certain guy, the famous guy. He's got the black leather couch. He blots out his face. They come in, and it's one shot. You can tell by the way it's cut together. That conversation, that whole sequence of events is not edited. There's no fucking missing minutes there.

And I'll tell you right now, you could not get— Any harder? What? You could... Not get any harder than watching that? I fucking love it. You could not get

Cate Blanchett to come in and perform in a way that says hello in a nervous way, gets brought through the various steps of I have to take my clothes off,

I have to suck your dick. I'm telling you, these women, you know porn actresses can't act. Right. This shit is real and it's all I watch. Well, these women, you know porn actresses can't act. This shit is real, and it's all I watch.

I fucking love it, because it's real, man. When you see the confusion and the slight fear in her eyes when she gets on her knees in this guy's office, I don't know why, but that appeals to me. Well, it appeals to you because you're a nice guy, and because you respect women. That's what it is, and you know that that experience is never going to happen to you in your life.

You wish that at one point in time you could be that animal that pulls out his giant dick and you're like, come here, you want to suck it? You want to suck it? Come here. I want you to show me how you suck that dick. And you're like, oh yeah, I wish I could do that. Rent a cheesy office. You wouldn't do that.

If the girl came into your office, you'd be like, okay, you're very beautiful. But look, if you really were going to do porn, do you know how bad that would fuck up your life? Your parents would be so disappointed. If I was your father, I'd be so upset. Please get out of here. Don't do porn. That's what you would do. You wouldn't be that animal.

Not only that, this guy ahead of time rented an office, bought video cameras, set them up. Yeah, that's the guy. And, you know, it wasn't like... Brian, don't show any of that. If, like, a girl were to come up to you in a hoary way and you took advantage of it, that's fucking bad. But this is...

It's like the difference between murder and premeditated murder. Well, you know what? It's just more wounded antelopes, man. There ain't nothing wrong with it. I mean, there's nothing wrong with if you're a guy and you have an office and you get some adult female to come over and blow you on film because she wants to be a porn star. But you're lying and you're telling her that you're going to get her work. That's the whole caveat.

She says he's going to get them work and he's not. Well, that's douchey. You shouldn't be jerking off to that. Right. I know. I swear to you, I try other ones. I'm going to try this cuckold porn. No, you don't want that.

I had a friend who was out. He went to this club, or a party, rather, and he met this guy and his wife. And the guy pushed the wife towards him and said, you know, he's your type. I talked to him, and my friend was like, what the fuck? Thinking the husband was going to be jealous. She was like, no, he likes me to hook up with guys. He was like, what? She was like, yeah, yeah, he likes me

too. He'll let me blow you in front of him. They're outside sitting on a porch and his wife starts sucking his dick. He's telling his wife how to do it. Rub his balls rub his balls baby go deeper go deeper baby and he goes and i come in this girl's mouth and i i was right he goes i couldn't have run away he goes i was just so horrified after it was over he's like the

creepiness of it all wasn't even it wasn't even available to him until he nutted in this woman's mouth while the husband is saying uh you know like i think the husband might even available to him until he nutted in this woman's mouth while the husband is saying, you know, like, I think the husband might have even said to him, come in her mouth, come in her mouth. And he was like, wait a minute, what? Like, you can tell, like, it was weird, I guess, when he was telling the woman what to do to him. But when he told him what to do with the woman, come in her mouth, and he was like, oh, my God, this is the craziest fucking experience ever. And he said it was like one of those things where Eddie Bravo has that expression, post-nut syndrome. Like, after you come, it's almost like postpartum. Like, women get depressed sometimes after they give babies. So there's guys who get depressed after they come because they realize, like, what did I let my dick talk me into?

Oh, my God, I got to get out of here. He goes, I've never had a worse expression of that post-nut syndrome. Yeah. Yeah. The dude just ran away from it. He's a really good-looking young guy. He's an actor. And I guess it was probably one of those things where he'd never been around anything like that before, and he didn't even know it was real. And before he knows it, this woman who's really hot and the guy seems really nice

is blowing him in front of her husband. On a porch. At a party. In the dark. Just nestled into a corner. You know, like, chairs turned sideways so the husband's looking out to make sure nobody walks down the hallway. And she's sucking his dick. And he comes in her mouth. And the guy's giving him

instructions. Come in her mouth. Come in her mouth. And he's like, what? Wait a minute. So as he's nutting, he's thinking about a guy telling him to come. And he was like, oh, I got to get the fuck out of here. I remember my worst one. My worst, what is it? Postpartum nut? Post-nut syndrome.

That's Eddie Bravo trademark word. My worst post-nut syndrome. This is Dave Attell. Should we take it? Powerful. Take it. Take it. Put it up to the speakerphone.

Hello. What's in that? It's not David Tell? No, I hung up. It's a girl. He's the only unknown that I normally get. Oh, that's it? Yeah, I don't know why.

He's like the only unknown call I get. He keeps his phone blocked? Yeah. He's crazy. But my worst, I was in Spain. I was 18 years old, and I was in Majorca by myself. And it was fucking snowing in Majorca for the first time in 40 years. And so I'm staying in this shitty hood.

I had been in Denmark. I was traveling around Europe for like six months by myself. And it was fucking freezing in Denmark, and there were these tour packages. You know like how you can go to the Bahamas for like no money and includes a hotel room? It's like one of those deals where it was like 250 bucks to go to Mallorca and fucking hotel. So I go and it's like the sleaziest

cockroach ridden rundown moldy hotel and I'm sitting in the bar and I'm just drinking away the sadness because I thought I was escaping Denmark to get, I was going to lay out in the sun, and it's fucking snowing. And so I get drunk, and the bartender is this nasty old Spanish wench. And I get so drunk that I go. She's got a room in the hotel, and I go in there,

and it's like this sad, sheetless mattress, and I have just horrible sex with her. And then I had that nut. that post-nut syndrome real bad, because then you wake up hungover, and you wonder, do you have a disease? And then the next night, I walk past her room, and I hear her going at it with another guy, and it brought the nut syndrome back again. Oh, my God.

Did you wash your dick? Scrub it? Yeah. Did you catch anything? No. Oh my God. Did you wash your dick? Scrub it? Yeah. Did you catch anything? No. Wow. Amazing. That girl's clean.

But some 20-year-old college girl could give you chlamydia. Right. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. What are the odds? Have you watched porn

with a girl with another girl with the other girl has a dick? So instead of a guy fucking a girl, it's a... Yeah, I don't enjoy that.

Transgender woman or whatever. No. That's pretty hot. That doesn't sound hot. Like a woman who had a penis added on to her? No, no. No, it's a woman who's...

A strap-on. A man who's becoming a woman. Yes. So she's got fake tits. Yes. It's a man with fake tits. Oh, oh, God. But it looks like a woman.

Really? But with a dick. You like that. What's better than guy-girl? Because you can see boobs and it looks like two girls. You keep saying this and it's still not good. I don't get that.

If you look at it, it's pretty hot. No, it's not good. You've said this more than once and I so disagree. You would rather see a guy than... It's a ridiculous idea. I know what you're trying to do. Stop. Brian. Brian. stop Brian Brian

what is it here's the thing about Brian is you're a fucked up dude right you put out you put out a lot of fucked up stuff about yourself

like you say things like that and we know your sex life and you got your nicotine thing and you smoke pot and you're a filthy deviant. Right? Yeah. On paper,

you put that out. I think there's a weirder guy underneath it that you're even hiding with this persona. What are you talking about? Why would you say that? Because I think he's a really dark, dark dude. I pretty much say all the dark shit I do, though. Yeah, wait a minute.

Why do you say that? He's not that dark No he's a sweetheart Brian's a sweetheart I just mean sexually No no no He likes porn and he likes girls But he's like one of the easiest going guys ever

Like Brian has There's nothing like dark in there No he's a nice guy He's not going to kill anybody No no no He doesn't even get mad at him? No, he's a nice guy. He's not going to kill anybody? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. He doesn't even get mad at them. He would cry. He's a crier.

Yeah? He's a sweetheart. I cried the other day at the comedy store. He's a sweet guy. All right, I see you in a whole new light now. No, he's not like, yeah, you can't think of him that way. People get, look, here's what he is. He's a weirdo.

Yeah. And when you meet a weirdo they're what they are is something that doesn't fit into your box so you go ah i bet there's something going on there that i'm missing yeah i know the dude pretty well he's not he's just a weirdo but we're all weirdos but his weirdo is like it's very difficult to categorize it's very difficult to put into a box what is brian well here's the crazy thing about brian is i don't know what your future holds because i know you spend all your fucking money and i think you're making decent money. You're working with Rogan.

This is a exploding medium that you guys are involved in. And it's not a big crew. And I know Joe's generous. So I know you're making decent cash. And you saved none of it. And I think about your future sometimes. Why would you? What's all this negativity?

Think about his future. Stop and think about it this way. Okay, without blowing up anybody's spot, he does very well. Like with girls, he lives a ridiculous leisure life of comedy and podcasts and laughing and being stoned all the time. He's having sex when he wants it.

You can't buy that. If you wanted to pay for that subscription and you wanted to fulfill that lifestyle, how would you even work that out? It would be really hard to engineer. That's a fucking very difficult job to pull off and to be silly about it like he's being. Right.

No, there's nothing wrong there. He's not fitting into one of your standard paradigms. Yeah, I'm puzzled by Brian. Yeah, but you shouldn't be. Yeah. He's Brian. He's silly. He is who he is, but there's nothing wrong there. Maybe I'm jealous. That's exactly Yeah, but you shouldn't be. Yeah. He's Brian. He's silly.

He is who he is, but there's nothing wrong there. Maybe I'm jealous. That's exactly what it is. He's getting mad bitches. I get jealous of him all the time. You're like the opposite of me. You don't have a lot of responsibility. You're in the moment. But why is that bad?

Because everyone's going to die, dude. It's one of the things we talked about earlier. Why is it bad for him to be living this way? You know, one of the things that I've always said, I have a real issue with people that want to tell me or tell anybody, I used to have it before I had kids and I still have it now, they want to tell you that you need to do something.

Like you need to grow up or you need to have kids. If you had kids, you'd understand. But you don't need to have kids. Guess what? You could be a great person without kids. I enjoy having kids. I love my kids. I love having a family.

I love the whole process. But if you don't want to do it, there's nothing wrong with that. Anybody who doesn't want to, you can absolutely contribute to society just as much if you're not a parent. You can put out as much energy as you want. Put out as much good and love and fun and enrich as many people around you. You're actually saving the world from badness by not having a kid when you shouldn't. Or not. Or not. Maybe you'd have a kid when you shouldn't or not or not you know maybe you'd have a kid and your life would change around you'd be a better person you'd be more

giving because you really love this kid it opens up this sort of door of compassion inside your soul that's a possibility too and i've seen both but the idea that you need to do anything is stupid and people used to always tell me that you're like oh you need to grow up you need to grow up you need to what to do what? To what? To fall into line? To fucking follow a pattern? You don't need to do anything. Nobody needs to do anything. You need to breathe.

You need to eat food. The rest of it is just a structure that we've sort of invented to sort of give ourselves something to do when we wake up in the morning. Well, it's 9 a.m. Time to go to work. Work's not real. The car's not real. Life's not real.

This is what's real. Heartbeats. And when those bitches stop, all that shit that you created and stockpiled and worked for means nothing. These are just objects that don't even exist when you're dead. When you're dead, you're going to go to another dimension where you can't take this shit with you. You know? Or not. Or the lights just shut off.

See, this is why you took LSD and I didn't. I haven't accepted death. You've embraced death. Well, are you willing to do a psychedelic? I think I am. What would you be willing to do? I think I would do anything. Would you do something under a clinical setting? Or would you be willing to get dirty and go out

into Joshua Tree and take mushrooms? I would need to be led by a shaman. I'd have to be with somebody like you. I'm a shaman. I get a few people that I would take it with. So if things go wrong, they could get me back. I could take one person through some experiences, but it would have to really know that you wanted to do it, and I would have to really trust you. You I really trust, and I know you can handle shit. I trust you implicitly.

I would never worry about you freaking out. But you have to be real careful who you introduce these things to because I think, without a doubt, psychedelic experiences should be something that someone is chasing. And you certainly shouldn't promote it to someone who isn't chasing it and try to push it on them if they're not chasing it. They have to be going towards it. Yeah. I joke around about that all the time. I just want to, like, I never, I mean, I joke around about, you know, what you need to do. You need to do mushrooms, motherfucker.

I'll joke around about that. But the reality is you shouldn't to do. You need to do mushrooms, motherfucker. I'll joke around about that. But the reality is you shouldn't do mushrooms unless you want to do mushrooms. If you have this desire to try to experience that, if you have this intense desire to find out what's on the other side, then you do it. But if you don't, don't do it. I think as a creative person, I'm always looking for a way. I mean, it's like Jim Morris and the doors were called the doors

because it was based on a poem by Blake that is that drugs can be the doorway to knowledge, to understanding. Which we said earlier about Carl Sagan, the Carl Sagan quote. Right. I mean, that's what Carl Sagan was saying. He found beneficial drugs that don't impede your health. That's what he found. And marijuana was a big one. Right.

He used to smoke pot and fucking look through telescopes. I mean, he was one of the most influential scientific minds of our generation, or any generation. Yeah. I mean, he was the voice of science of the 20th century. I mean, he's a fucking incredible human being, and he was a pothead. Yeah, and I think cocaine is also something that can be a pot. Like, I think it's not as addictive as a lot of other drugs, and I think for young people to really go out and really have the night of their life,

they should and like you said shouldn't be forced on them but if you embrace coke on your prom night and say I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna drink champagne and do coke

you're gonna have an amazing night and you're not gonna or not or you're in jail for fucking murder you know that's a possibility too I've been around people that are on coke

and I've never done it myself but I don't like it I don't like that crazy speedy up thing where they're dangerous and impulsive. Well, because a lot of times you're snorting speed is the problem because it's stepped on so many times. But if you know you're getting real Coke, I mean, how many cultures chew on coca leaves? That's true. That's true.

And that's a very different psychoactive experience than the processed cocaine, though. We should be really clear on that. Everybody's thinking of trying that. Coca leaves are safe, and they're non-addictive. You might get emotionally... I mean, you get addicted to beating off. You can get addicted to anything. It's a psychological addiction.

But as far as physical addiction, I don't believe that those cocoa leaves are addictive. I think they have a better health profile than a lot of things that we take on a regular basis. Well, you've got to think anything that's growing naturally is better than, like, you know, methamphetamine. Even that, they say the active drug in it, which I guess

is... Amphetamine? Methamphetamine? I mean, it's amphetamine, right? Is it? Isn't it? I mean, that's what methamphetamine is, right? It's a methyl something? Right. Meth. So it's like Adderall is basically meth. It's a part of it. I mean, it's a part of the family.

It's an amphetamine. Yeah. I mean, it is most certainly related. Right. You know, okay, let's Google that and find out related to Adderall. But I know that whatever it used to be. That's a fucking immediate. You know, when you type it in Google search, it immediately knows what you're going to say. Yeah.

The methamphetamine related to Adderall. No shit. Yeah, it knows. Yeah, because apparently it is. Yeah, the, whatever they're selling as meth now, I guess,

is not the original. And the same thing with ecstasy. Ecstasy has completely changed. Remember when you used to go to a pharmacy? I guess it still is. And you have to,

when you buy cough syrup, like certain cough medicines. Codeine. But yeah, pills is, and you have to, when you buy cough syrup, like certain cough medicines. Codeine. But yeah, pills and shit, you have to assign things. Give them your address and give them your name. Like, you have to register that you bought this cough medicine. Yeah. So you don't make meth with it.

Oh, you're talking about over-the-counter. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Benadryl, I think, is one of them. Different, yeah. Apparently, that's how they're making meth. They'll, like, hijack a giant shipment of this shit. Yeah. Benadryl, I think, is one of them. Different, yeah. Apparently, that's how they're making meth. They'll, like, hijack a giant shipment of this shit.

Yeah. You imagine if you're a person who, like, is a truck driver, and you're just driving around with Benadryl, and you think, hey, man, you know, no big deal, just driving around with some pharmaceutical company. Yeah, might as well have tires back there. Yeah. I got Benadryl.

Meanwhile, these people are looking at you like you're a fucking target, man. They're trying to figure out how to hijack you. And they pull you over and put a fucking gun in your mouth and force you to get out of the car and duct tape you because you've got cough drops in the back of your fucking car. Right, right. And you don't realize you've got the gold wagon. Yeah, you have one of the key ingredients for one of the biggest illegal

drugs in the country. One of the most addictive illegal drugs. And one of the if you wanted to have, I mean, I'm just guessing, but sold by the biggest cunts. You know? I mean, isn't that the whole thing about Breaking Bad? Everybody's a fucking savage. They're all animals.

Yeah. And that's also what comes out of North Korea. Meth. That's true. It's a fucking factory. The whole country. They said weed is legal there, though. Is it?

Yeah. Go ahead. Smoke a joint. Who gives a shit? You're starving to death. Calm them down. What were they chewing in? Did you see the Tom Hanks movie with the pirates?

Yeah, it's called Cat. It's some sort of a stimulant. It's available in Africa. They chew it a lot. It's called K-H-A-T. And it stands for, the term is edible cat. That's the actual pronunciation. Among communities in these areas, or not the pronunciation, the definition of it,

it's called Catha agulis, or edible cat. It's a flowering plant that's native to the Horn of Africa. And it's an amphetamine. It's said to cause excitement, loss of appetite, and euphoria. So it's just a straight-up amphetamine. Yeah, you just chew it, and it's an amphetamine. 1980, the World Health Organization classified it as a drug of choice that can produce mild to moderate psychological dependence,

less than tobacco or alcohol. I used to take Adderall for years. Yeah, I know. I remember. You were one of the first guys that ever got me interested in that. I've still yet to experiment take Adderall for years. Yeah, I know. I remember. You were one of the first guys that ever got me interested in that. I've still yet to experiment with Adderall, but I've heard amazing things about guys cleaning up their office. Office was

fucking clean. I mean, it was really like my socks. I got crazy with that shit. What made you stop? Well, I switched to a patch that has a different type of... Adderall makes it spike and i you know and again i say this by always saying if you think it might be right for you go to a psychopharmacologist get evaluated get prescribed don't don't try shit from your friends yeah don't

self-medicate especially you don't know what the dosage is right origin you start with five milligrams you move up so i, I was writing a book, and I realized my whole life, I mean, you go back and look at my report cards, everything in my life, I couldn't stick with one thing. And I was diagnosed with ADHD, and it was a perfect fit. I took this shit and my life changed.

All of a sudden, I finished the book, I was writing on a TV show, and I'd been struggling. All of a sudden, I was getting scripts done. My personal life, it helped. I was more present. And show, and I'd been struggling. All of a sudden, I was getting scripts done. My personal life, it helped. I was more present, and it was right for me. I don't think it's right for everybody because if you take it and you get jittery and excited, you don't have ADHD, and you shouldn't take it. But if you calm down, then it's right.

I've known more than one person that has an issue with it, though. I'm sure a lot of people do. I know more than one person that has had issue with it though. I'm sure a lot of people do. And I know more than one person that has had an issue with overdosing. Not overdosing, like having an overdose, but taking more than they're supposed to take. Like if you're supposed to take one pill, they take two or whatever, whatever it is that they're doing. But I've more than one person who I've met that has had an issue and had a hard time quitting it. And I think it has a lot of the same addictive properties of meth. So in your experience, what was it like getting off of it?

Well, I transitioned onto this other thing, onto the patch. So there was no come down? No. I mean, every day I felt a crash. That's the problem with Adderall is you go up, and when it's over, man, it's a bad hour. Oh, and then you go to sleep. No, you just kind of crash. You feel low blood sugary, and you lose your momentum completely.

And how do you get it back if it's only an hour? I used to take— Take another one? Yeah, I used to take a half of one in the late afternoon. Oh, wow. Yeah. Wow, so you had to stay dosed. But, yeah, but you know what?

I never felt that way. I didn't feel like— Dosed. You didn't feel dosed. I didn't feel felt that way. It didn't, I didn't feel like. Dosed. You didn't feel dosed. I didn't feel dosed. Balanced. It focused me. You balanced out.

Yeah. You got the energy that you needed to do the things that you're curious about and things you're ambitious about. So it gave you, it didn't give you ambition as much as it lets you pursue your ambitions because it gives you some energy. And let me follow through because I think with ADHD you hit a wall and you don't have, what it does is it's essentially people with ADHD, they're, they're, they're, um, uh, how do you describe it? Distracted easily. They're distracted because they're, they're not stimulated in the same way other people are. They need to jack it up so they can get in sync.

Their mind can get in sync with them physically. So physically you have to be brought up a little bit. That's interesting. I wonder what the fucking, what is the origin of all that stuff? in sync with them physically. So physically, you have to be brought up a little bit. That's interesting. I wonder what the fucking, what is the origin of all that stuff? Hyperactive disorder. Is it just the fact that, this is my question on all these things. Is it just the way we're programmed and going to school and the resistance of that programming? Do people get ADD and ADHD if they're just allowed to do whatever the fuck they want to do?

Does that happen? I feel like it has to do with depression with me. We have a lot of depression in my family. So it's a biological issue. Yeah, I think that our baseline is extremely low. And this was able to bring mine up a little bit so that I could not. With depression, when you face any kind of pushback or resistance, you tend to give into it. And this let me push right through it and over it where I barely noticed a lot of the things

that would have stopped me down before. That's interesting. Well, I'm glad we talked about this because I think it's good to have a nuanced point of view on these things. And so oftentimes when you're talking about any sort of a drug that anyone has had a problem with, you associate the drug with problems.

Right. And not with the full balanced perspective of, look, it's also good well i think it's like you said before self-medication that's the problem is that people don't you got to trust your doctor and you got to go to a good doctor you know i knew a guy who was his family had mental illness issues and he would self-medicate because of that he would always just get fucked up because of that but it was almost like he was trying to escape his static state he was aware he didn't enjoy. So he was constantly chasing it. Huge incidents of ADHD with creative people, with writers, and most of them do smoke because

smoking is essentially what you're doing with Adderall. It's giving you those bolts, those jolts of energy and focus. Yeah, that is what it is, right? That's what Stephen King talked about when he quit smoking in his book on writing. One of the most profound changes in his writing was when he stopped smoking, he just wasn't getting that same neural synaptic response that he was getting when he was sucking on those cigarettes all the time. Yeah, I think people also, creative people, live dangerous lives. They're trying to shock themselves into a higher state

because that's when the juices start to flow. Yeah. Sometimes you fire up the furnace of the imagination. You fire it up with emotions or fear or whatever it is. You fire it up. Sometimes I'm the most creative after I've eaten so much pot that I'm just terrified that I'm going to die. I break down my whole life. And then when I come out of it, I'm just running from the devil.

I can't believe I'm still alive, and I have to write things down. Is that a good thing for you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because there's no health detraction. Nothing goes wrong with it. So do you consciously do that? Yes. You say, I'm going to take a lot right now, and you take it, what, early in the day? No, it depends.

I don't ever do it when my kids are home. I do it either on the road or I do it when I know that I have time or I do it because it's not a functional state. I used to, I like to do it when everyone's asleep, you know, that's a good time to do it. Take, cause you can, you know, it's only an hour or two. And like, if your adrenaline gets shocked into it, like a fire alarm goes off, you can function if you're really high. It's not like functioning on acid or DMT or something like that. Like while it's going on, well actually DMT is pretty quick, but what you get out of it, out of being so terrified,

when you get out of it about the deep psychological journey and this weird opening of all these different portals of the imagination, what you get out of it is a direct result of the fear that it puts into you while you're on it. A direct result of the awareness of all the things you're avoiding, like especially your own mortality, your temporary time on this life,

your finite existence, the finite existence of the very Earth itself, the finite existence of the sun, the fact that the sun didn't even get born until 10 billion years into the universe. This is all going to end. It doesn't matter. You could live forever.

It's still going to end. Yeah, infinity to me is all going to end. It doesn't matter. You could live forever, it's still going to end. Yeah, that's, infinity to me is always the one word. It's the showstopper. Every time I talk to like Ari Shaffir

or somebody who's a complete atheist and they want to negate any sense you have in the mysticism or any possibility, I always just go, okay,

so what's infinity? They always want to talk about how scientists are eventually going to figure this shit out. Scientists used to think the world was flat and it made perfect fucking sense with the amount

of information they had. It made fucking sense. And right now all this stuff I saw about dark matter and all that stuff is the best we can do with what we got. The more we can perceive, the more questions there's going to be. You're never going to get to infinity. Most likely, or maybe they will.

I mean, who knows? If human beings can keep going at this exponential increasing pace, if we keep going for a million years, who knows what we can do? But isn't it amazing when you stop? You could literally think about infinity for infinity. You can't get there. When you stop, you could literally think about infinity for infinity. You can't get there. You can't wrap your head around the fact that something cannot end. Well, you know what's even weirder?

It's not just that it cannot end, but there's infinite versions of it. Right. And somehow or another, the universe is supposed to be a closed system. I shouldn't say a closed system, but it has a shape. And you go out there deep, deep, deep into the universe. It eventually turns around, and you get to the end somewhere. Well, they say the galaxy has a movement. It's spherical, and it actually moves up and down. Well, what's even more bizarre is when they start talking about the black holes in the center of the

galaxies, meaning other universes. Meaning if you go inside of them and there's hundreds of billions of new galaxies with black holes and hundreds of billions of new universes, that's the real infinity. The real infinity isn't just that when you look out into space, it goes on forever. It doesn't just go on forever. Each one of those lights that you see most likely is a part of another group that's also a portal to another place that has a fucking untold hundreds of billions of other portals and you go through them and there's untold hundreds of billions of other and each one of them is a universe and each one of them is almost essentially infinite and within the realm

of those things that we can perceive in those universes, there are wavelengths and energy levels and spectrums of light that vibrate at a different level, so that's infinity. There is no lowest wavelength or highest wavelength. They continue in either direction

within those states. And, by the way, it also does the same thing inward. That's what's even more fucked. It goes inward in an infinite direction, too, to our lowest measurable point where everything acts as if it's on magic. The lowest measurable point being quantum physics, when they start talking about particle theory and they start observing atoms in superpositions, subatomic particles in superpositions, which means they're moving and still at the same time. They blink in and out of existence.

At the lowest measurable point of reality itself, it's magic. Things disappear. field theory is that within all of those systems, there is a consistency, that there are physical laws that from what we can tell, and he could never really put it together, but that is, from most of what we can tell, the movement within your molecular, the molecular level is the same as the macrocosm of the way the planets have gravitational force on each other. It's all unified. Totally makes sense. It totally makes sense that inward is outward

and that as you look out into the universe, essentially what you're looking at is the subatomic particles of a fucking atom that exists in another human being. And that human being, that's really what infinity is. Infinity is that that human being is a part of a galaxy and that galaxy is a part of more subatomic particles that are in the cell of another being that lives in another galaxy, and it never ends. And that's why, when you get high, you freak out. Yeah.

Because it's so hard to take yourself seriously. You aren't shit, man. No one's shit. We're all not—and we've got to end this podcast. I've got another one coming up. You've got to get out of here at 2.45. Yeah, I can't believe you knew another three-hour one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. You know I rock it, son. Are you going to eat lunch? No, I don't need anything.

I'm good. Jesus. Powerful Greg Fitzsimmons. Your special, it's available on. On Netflix, Life on Stage. My one-hour special that was on Comedy Central this year. Check that out. Glorious. Podcast is FitzDog Life on Stage. My one-hour special that was on Comedy Central this year. Check that out. Podcast is FitzDogRadio on iTunes.

And Greg Fitz Show, F-I-T-Z Show, is his Twitter. You're the best, brother. I love you, man. Thanks for having me on, man. We gotta do this more often. Let's play some fucking pool. I'm putting in a table out here. Dude, I'm around for like three weeks. Let's do it.

Fuck, man. Let's do one every other week. Let's hang out. Okay. All right. Love you, buddy. Love you. All right. Greg Fitzsimmons, that was very unenthusiastic.

Love you back. Oh, I'm sorry. It's very awkward when a friend does that to you and says they love you. I love you, man. That's even weirder. You look me in the eyes. Look at me. Look at me.

Don't look me in the eyes. Hold on. Let me put my... Greg Fitzshow on Twitter and also Fitzdog Radio available on iTunes and on Sirius Howard 101. What time is it here live? Mondays at 4 p.m. on the West Coast. Powerful Greg Fitz Simmons. And you can also go to his website and all tour dates and all that good shit is up there.

Powerful Greg Fitz Simmons. Good times, man. We are brought to you today by Squarespace. We are brought to you today by Squarespace. Go to squarespace.com and use the code word Joe and save yourself 10%. Is that correct? I hate not knowing all these things. Is that correct? It is?

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