The Joe Rogan Experience - #473 - Jim Jefferies

Episode Date: March 24, 2014

Jim Jefferies is an Australian stand-up comedian, actor and writer. He currently stars in the show "Legit" airing on FXX.

the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day nick diaz yeah uh so that never leaves that will stay on you had a question about elvis these are all mug shots you've got on your wall here yeah and you've got an elvis mug shot there i wear a t-shirt often with the Sinatra mugshot. Ah, I got that one. I have it framed in my house. That's a good one. What was he done for there?

It was, what is the word that they use? Adultery. No, it wasn't adultery. It was, what did... It was shagging a guy's wife, right? Yes, it was shagging a guy's wife. But the word that they use, seduction. That's the word that it says on the actual mugsheet.

That's right. That photo of Sinatra, that mug shot, he looks better there than I've ever looked in any photo in my life where professionals have taken it and they've taken a thousand photos and I still look like shit. Well, did you notice how little he was? Yeah. The mug shot photo, I think it says 125 pounds. Is he 125 or 135? He was only a slight fella. Yeah.

But also we even talk about Elvis. We go in Elvis. At the end, he was fat. Elvis was fat. He was like 220 pounds. I'm like sitting at a cruisy 211 at the moment. You know what I mean? I go down up to about 215.

I go down to about 195. And I go through that spectrum my whole life, right? But Elvis was, by today's standards, just he was all right. about 215 i go down to about 195 and i go through that spectrum my whole life right but elvis was by today's standards just uh he was all right yeah see that's what i look like now that's at the very end he was anywhere between 220 and 230 but what what was the 222 or 230 well he was probably shorter than me i'm six foot one so i get a little bit of leeway he's probably about 5'10", Elvis. Yeah, how tall was Elvis?

God damn, he got fat. But he was dead like a year later. Yeah, he was on his way out. He died on my sister's birthday. I'll never forget. Really? He died the year I was born. I always liked the fact that I was alive when John Lennon and Elvis Presley were alive.

Apparently, the picture was taken just for fun. Oh, the mugshot, so he never went to prison for anything. No, Elvis was a law enforcement nut, and the picture was taken just for fun. It's according to one site on the internet. Because that could have been when he went to visit the FBI and visited Nixon and all that type of stuff because he was there. He visited Nixon for the war against drugs yeah it's hilarious yeah against the beatles my only beetles yeah they're all doing drugs and

we're gonna stop that we're gonna stop it we're gonna stop it man he was apparently arrested uh well in the 1950s for speeding yes but that was before he made it. Well, when did he make it? About 1954, I reckon. It would have been around that era. Sun Records and all that shit. Well, that would be him then. That would be like right as he made it, he was speeding. Yeah, but he was only in his early 20s. Taking off.

18-year-old speeding in the car. We all got those. I remember the first time I got caught speeding, I was 16. And I just didn't have the money. So I thought if I broke down in tears, the cop would. I thought, oh my God, I don't have the money. I thought that. No, of course he didn't.

He just fucking fired me. And the worst thing is my brother is a cop and he reported it to my brother and then my brother teased me in the near future. My brother used to do awful things as a cop. My brother,'s named danny nugent i don't think that's a bad to say he's a member of the riot squad now and uh i got i was driving home and it's uh at 17 which is still not the legal age to drink in australia and i'm driving home and i had two beers now i would have been under the limit but still i'm not even allowed to have two beers in me because i'm 17 right i get pulled up i get breathalyzed the guy goes please breathe in the tube and i said my brother was a sergeant at that stage and i was like oh

you know uh danny nugent you know danny nugent does uh you know it's right and he goes no i never heard of him right so he goes off to his vehicle he's there for like 15 minutes i'm just sitting in the car just panicking now he comes back out and he goes step out his vehicle he's there for like 15 minutes i'm just sitting in the car just panicking now he comes back out and he goes step out of the vehicle is there a problem anything just step out of the vehicle right now so step out he cuffs me and smacks me onto the bonnet of the car right and i start oh jesus christ oh fuck fuck this, right? And then I hear my brother laughing on the radio. Like he's actually gone back to his car, radioed the station, talked to my brother, and he said, let's get the shit out of him.

You know what I mean? And because it's cops and they go, oh, we're just joking with you. Like I'm wiping tears away from my eyes. Like, good joke, guys. Well done. Thanks for that. But, you know, I still had one more line of defense, and it's mum.

Went and told mum on him. How'd that go? What does your mum do? Well, my mum was still angry because I shouldn't have been drinking to begin with and blah, blah, blah. I still got in trouble for that. But, yeah, now he's in the SWAT team, so he's like the guy who fucking wears the helmets

and swings them with a machine gun type of thing. Jesus Christ. And the thing thing is for the longest time my parents were so like oh your brothers the cop was like like the most upstanding job you could have in our family and so my brother became a weapons trainer before he's in the swat team so he would learn different holds and restraints and stuff like that there was many a christmas where i'd stand there and then my brother would go yeah we yeah, we've been traveling over to America. We've learned some new holds

from the American cops. And we learned one where we can basically restrain the person until their whole shoulder goes numb and they can't, like this.

And then my mom goes, do it on Jim. No, I don't want you to fucking do it. Why are you doing this to me? Right? Then he comes up and grabs. I go, don't touch me.

He goes, see how he's resisting, mom? See how he's resisting? Always end with me with my fucking head in a chevy shag pile just crying again your fucking mom man your mom sold you down the river i would think that mom's the last thing they would see want to see is one son torturing the other side no no she because my father wasn't much of a physical disciplinarian my mother was very keen on using my oldest brother as the muscle when we got too big. How old is your oldest brother? My oldest brother is seven years older than me.

Oh, that's a big gap. And then I have another brother that's five years older than me. Oh, Jesus. That's why you're funny. You took a lot of heat. I was meant to be a girl because my mom desperately wanted to have a baby girl, so she gave it one more go. And then when I didn't come out a baby girl, she didn't unwrap the blanket for the first four days.

For the first month, she never unwrapped the blanket because she didn't want to see my genitalia. And she didn't hold me for the first four days. Whoa. She went into such depression over having another boy. And then she got really passionate about collecting porcelain dolls. So there was four men living in her house, and this house that was just filled with fucking creepy dolls. Remember in the old days when you could put something on top of your TV?

That was sort of a joy. Like you'd go go-karting, you'd beat your brother, and you had the first trophy. So for a week, you'd put that on top of the TV because you know he'd constantly be looking at it and it would niggle the shit out of him. Those days are gone, right? But my mother would always have like a different porcelain doll

or maybe like a porcelain clown juggling one of those little statuettes. Something very upsetting would always be looking at you whilst you were trying to enjoy a Betamax version of Star Wars. When did you find out about the not being held? She told me. She tells me all the time that she always wanted to have a girl. She didn't even have a boy's name ready to go oh my god like she was just and she didn't want to have the ultrasound

she didn't want to know it wasn't what the fuck is wrong with people when it comes to wanting the gender so badly that they get upset and the thing is my mom it's not like she's a super effeminate woman where she would have been a good like in my like i'm not a good looking guy but my parents wouldn't have made her a horrendous looking woman like it would have been a good, like in my, like I'm not a good looking guy, but my parents wouldn't have made her a horrendous looking woman. Like it would have been just a chinless, pale thing, just,

just with thin, wispy hair. It wouldn't have been a good looking girl. A boy is the best thing they could have hoped for with the fucking piss that's been pissed into my gene pool already from the different sides. I've got a great story about,

but women don't see that. I've got a, yeah, yeah of course they don't if you're a woman and you're surrounded by men i think it would be really frustrating my mother's 300 pounds and she thought she i don't know if whether the intention was to make a hot chick i don't know if that was what she just she just wanted to make a girl but i i got a story that i i i don't want to tell because in front of my girlfriend because it will upset her because i will make my life a bit harder that I don't want to tell in front of my girlfriend because it will upset her, because it will make my life a bit harder. And I don't want to tell it on any Tonight Shows or anything. So I'll tell it here. I just did a zombie movie in Australia, which isn't anything to do with the story.

But I was in Australia. And so I'm in Australia. My parents drive to Canberra, where we're at, on the weekend to spend a day with me. And it's fair enough. I haven't seen my parents in six months or something. So I'm spending time with my mom and dad. and it's fair enough. I haven't seen my parents in six months or something.

So I'm spending time with my mom and dad. Now, back in the early 90s, my father was getting closer to retirement and then he found a credit card bill because my mother took care of the money, found out that she'd run up $90,000 worth of bills, which meant my dad had to work an extra sort of eight years past retirement to pay these all off and she'd kept it all secret.

So now my parents have got to retirement, they own the house and they just get a pension of like Australian government gives each person like $300 a week pension, which is like 260 American, right? So my parents live off that and then, but my father takes care of all the money. He pays all the bills and he balances books

because my mom can't be trusted when it comes to shopping. And so I'm talking to my parents, my mom goes, all I want is my half of the money, his half of the money, and then he can have his half of the money, we'll split the bills, and then I can do what I want with my money. But instead I'm given an allowance

because I'm not responsible enough with money. I said, mum, you can't take care of the money, mum. You can't, because you'll fuck it up. You'll go online, you've found internet shopping now, you'll fuck it up, you'll lose everything, you can get more credit cards. It'll be terrible. And she goes, oh, I'm not the problem with money anymore. Your father's the one that spends all the money.

Now, we're in a public bar, by the way. There's many people sitting around us. It's a very public, open area. Your father's the one who spends all the money now. And then she points to my dad and goes, tell him. Tell him what you spend your money money on and i've already clicked what this might be and i've gone oh no look i don't want to know i don't want to know and then my mother goes your father gets prostitutes right and i've gone oh god just shut up both of you please for fuck's sake and she's gone yep every, every Wednesday your father, before he goes to play lawn bowls, goes off and gets himself a prostitute. And then my dad went, not every Wednesday. He didn't even try to deny it. It was just not every Wednesday.

It makes him sound like at least three out of four Wednesdays. He takes a week off every now and again. Yeah, like it costs him in Australia money for a very cheap prostitute. It's legal in Australia in a brothel, maybe a hundred bucks for a pretty low-end sort of girl, a rub and tug power. So he went to a place to get it done.

He didn't... No, no, no. It's not like here where you got to go to a hotel and all that type of stuff. There's just brothels in there. They're very legal. They're very well signposted and stuff. It's not such a big deal in Australia.

It actually makes it a bit safer, if anything, because the girls have to get tested. They have to bring their results in all the time and they're paying taxes. It definitely makes it safer. It's like everything else. As soon as the government says it can't be illegal when it's something that people really enjoy doing, it doesn't work. It lowers divorce substantially. Of course it does. I'm sure it does.

I don't begrudge my dad for doing this. I just don't want to hear about it. They're in their 70s. My mom's morbidly obese. My dad's still quite fit. Of course he wants to get his end away sometimes. His end away. There's a book called Sex at Dawn by this guy, Dr. Chris Ryan.

I do a podcast with him once a month. by this guy, Dr. Chris Ryan. I do a podcast with him once a month, and he basically goes over in great detail what is the root cause of the reason why men want to breed with more than one woman. Why does marriage do so poorly? Why do so many people want to stray? It's genetic.

It's 100% genetic. If you could squash that with robot fuck dolls or prostitution that's legal, whatever you have that's non-relationship based. You're going somewhere. Or ruining anyone else's life. You're just getting some sex. That's it. Only sex.

Are prostitutes over in Australia, are they thought of differently than prostitutes here? Is it not that big of a deal? It's not as big of a deal. They are thought of, they're not, like, given a load of respect or anything. It's not like, like, in Germany and Holland and stuff, it's really not a big deal, you know. But, no, it's still kept fairly, you know, the clubs are called things, like, the big one in Melbourne

is called the Daily Planet. And it looks like the big one in Melbourne is called the daily planet. And it looks like, it looks like the front of the daily planet from Superman with the big globe and everything like that. You know, um, that's in Melbourne. That's in Melbourne. That's where, that's the brothel I went to when I took my friend with muscular dystrophy to the brothel, which is what my TV show legit, which is on Wednesdays and FXX at 10 PM. We need ratings.

which is what my TV show Legit, which is on Wednesdays and FXX at 10 p.m. We need ratings. But that was the whole basis of my TV show, was taking a disabled guy to a brothel, yeah. Wow. This season, incidentally, talking about my dad, my father will be played by George Lazenby, who was James Bond for one movie. George Lazenby.

Why do I know that name? He was James Bond. No, that George Lazenby. Why do I know that name? He was James Bond. No, that's not why I know it. It's actually, there's a Paul Lazenby who's a mixed martial arts commentator for Bodog Fights. Old George isn't related to anything like that. Yeah, Lazenby is what got me.

I was like, why do I know that name? George did one James Bond film, was booked to do seven, and then he told him to fuck off after Sean Connery, because he went, ah, this,

this, this franchise isn't going to go on for too long. Cause it was 1970. He's like, everyone wants long hair and beards. No one wants to look like this fucking idiot from a bank. And he told him to fuck off and he never was really in a movie again. You can't tell him to fuck off when they ask you to be James Bond.

He was a male model, never acted before. Really? He just, he just went straight into it. He's James Bond. He was a male model, never acted before. Really? He just went straight into it. He's got some fucking stories, man. That's him? No, no. Pull up a picture of the guy.

George Lazenby. George Lazenby. I need to see this character. Now he's in his mid-70s, but in his day, he was the number one male model on Earth in 1969. The number one male model on Earth. And he was from a country town in Australia.ia there he is handsome bastard he's got a beautiful genetics he's got that 1970 handsome thing going on too pull that back up that's like that wouldn't really fly today yeah it's like they had poor nutrition they're eating fucking you know everyone was sort of

shorter he's like six foot four and he's sort of, you know, he has a little bit of a bobblehead motion going on and a big dimple in his chin. Yeah, but like look at his face. There's almost something about his face. Like pull that picture up again. Oh, it's like the good looks in the 80s were different. People like Molly Ringwald wouldn't. No, pull the same picture up.

Go back to that picture. There's like, there's something about this guy and I don't know if it's his style of hair, but that's not a guy from today. But you know what I mean? Like in 2014, okay, how old is he about? 37, 38 years old in this photo? Oh, no, no, no. No, no.

If he's 70 now, this is 1969 when that film was made. So he's probably 24 or something like that. What? Yeah. How's that possible? But back in the day, everyone was smoking and drinking and it was, you all looked a little bit more leathery. Put that picture back up.

Look at it. Like, if you saw that photo and said, where is this guy from? Like, what time is this? You would say like the 70s. What is that? There's like something about his fucking face. Like, that's not a guy that was born after you know 1920 or something like that you know what i mean i know there's that weird

thing that they have like he looks like a guy from this like burt reynolds in his prime yeah that guy doesn't exist today no no we're all we're all slightly changing there's something in the i think that women's faces in the 80s were rounder oh i think you're right moon faces yeah they were they were that or that was deemed to be a good look and we now shun the moon-faced woman well the moon-faced woman in the 80s was a thing yeah is it a weight thing it's a weight thing right i don't know like you guys know um like that's a that's a real issue for women to get so skinny that they lose the roundness of their face. They want to have sculpted cheeks.

That's a moon face too. That's quarter moon. What is he going to do now that he's retired? Doing a lot of comedy apparently. I'm doing a lot of shows at the Comedy and Magic Club because he used to do every Sunday night. He used to try out his monologue I'm there actually the 30th I was just there

I'm doing probably like One or so every month Yeah right I'll probably do At the Sunday nights Because he's on the road now He's just doing comedy Is he a good stand up

I assume he was He was Let me tell you something At one point in time He was thought of And it's tough to judge Because you gotta judge it Based on the fact

That this is 1970 And everything from 1970 doesn't hold up. Except for George Leslie. A few movies, except for him. There's a few movies, but like television shows, for example. Try to watch a television show from the 70s. They're very, very dated. Yeah. So his comedy, it's hard to date it, just like Lenny Bruce.

I always concede that he's the most important stand-up ever, but I don't want to watch him. I don't want to listen to him. Yeah, I've tried. I sit down and listen to the tapes and I try to It's too alien a time. Not us, you know, we're too free, you know What he's saying is that- But then you can get like from the 80s you can still enjoy people, prior you can still watch Yeah, and you can still watch. Things change considerably though. I think in the from the 1960s- I can watch 1970s Cosby. Yeah. Yeah, you can still yeah. Well, he's a master, you know changed considerably though i think in the from the 1960s i can watch 1970s cosby yeah yeah you

can still yeah well he's a master you know he's a really a master wordsmith and a master storyteller but it's also he's he was dealing mostly at that at that stage at i got a wife and young kids and this is how it is and that stuff always sticks around if you're a political guy it always dates very horrible yes that's so true or if you're talking about society and how this is fucked up and that is fucked up that doesn't you know this it's interesting culturally to go back and listen to some shit where people were complaining about you know like lenny bruce has some stuff where he's complaining about politicians it doesn't doesn't make you laugh though no you know but anyway Leno, it's hard to say when you look at his stuff now

because it just seems so pedestrian. But I think that back in the 1970s, Leno was a motherfucker. The reason I say it is because all the comics say it. Yeah, yeah. That's what I've heard as well, yeah. Yeah, all the guys who knew him back then go, he was a bad motherfucker. He was a legit comic.

He was really good. He was the guy in the club that everyone went, he's here, and came down. He was a hard worker. But then really good. He was the guy in the club that everyone went, he's here, and came down. He was a hard worker. But then somewhere along the line, he stopped writing. This is kind of interesting. He would do shows and then do the same show the next year. Go back to the same place next year.

Verbatim, every joke from beginning to the end. And the people in Edmonton, I was in Edmonton, and they were telling me, we went to see him. He did another set. Play some of this. I'm originally from the United States. Any United States people here tonight? That's funny because he's in America.

Get it? Freddie mentioned I have a slight cold. I have to apologize for that. I've had this about two weeks. Went to the hospital over here, one of the large hospitals in California, I don't want to say the name. Just shows you where healthcare is in this state.

This is absolutely true. I went in, man charged me $40, gave me some pills to take. And on the way out, I said, doc, my throat is still really sore. Do you think I should have my tonsils out? And this man is a specialist, and I'm sure one of the best hospitals in California, says to me, well, what do you think?

That's it? That's it? How dare you? You shut the fuck up, J-Lan Everybody who told me he's great You shut the fuck up too Imagine Imagine if I came into you and before the podcast I said,

I want your opinion on a bit of material. And you ran that by me. And then the guy goes, what do you think? And then there was Steve Martin. That's the beginning of a bit. That's the beginning of a rant. Like, what do i think motherfucker isn't this your job then yeah you gotta go into the next bit then it would be a bit

that would be the bit it wouldn't be it was a setup for a bit steve martin was still funny yeah it was brilliant and that was this is from the same year and i bet you it blows all that away well his he was very different you know steve Steve Martin was one of the most uniquely original, like, onstage performance. I can't believe he brought out so many recordings and not actual video. Like, he's such a visual act. Yeah, it's true. To go, oh, I'm going to have an arrow on my head and put this onto a cassette. Well, that was one of my, what I was going to say about Jay Leno is Jay Leno stopped putting things out.

He doesn't do anything. He doesn't do an HBO special, won't do a Showtime special, doesn't do anything. If you notice, there's no body of work. There's one thing he did for Showtime in the early 1980s, and I used to have it on a VHS cassette. But after that,

nothing. And when they ask him about it, he's like, man, why would I do that? I gave him Showtime. I gave him my whole act. I gotta write a new act. I give it my big, yeah, I got my whole act. I got to write a new act. You know, I mean, give it to them and this act's going to make me millions of dollars.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like his attitude, like his act was like, he's just real old school in that respect. Like those guys, they thought about if they did an HBO special,

they didn't think, oh, this is just going to get my comedy out to more people. They'll enjoy it. It'll get more people to come see me. No, it was like, oh, I'm going to give them my, I'm going to sell them my act and more people. They'll enjoy it. It'll get more people to come see me. No. It was like, oh, I'm going to give them my, I'm going to sell them my act, and then I

can't do my act. And if I can't do my act, I'm losing all that money that I get doing my act. I try to do a DVD every sort of 18 months or so. And then I retire the material as soon as I've done it. We all do that now, I think. I think that's the new era. I mean, once the internet came along, I think that's mandatory. You know, George Carlin always did it.

And then Louis C.K. started doing it and telling people that he did it. And then you started looking around who all the people that do it, like Burr does it, you do it. You know, Ari does it. It's one of those things now, I think, that kind of everybody does. It's expected. Yeah, I think I also now I don't do, I won't do stand-up on television for four minutes. I won't either. Good for you.

Good for fucking you, man. I just knocked back doing Fallon for that, and they're like, not anything special. If I can be a guest on a show, like I'm doing Kimmel next week or whatever, that's fine, but I don't want to burn four minutes that I could put on to an actual special. Well, not only that, it's not your act. Yeah, and I don't translate well over four minutes that I could put onto an actual special. Well, not only that, it's not your act. Yeah, and I don't translate well over four minutes. No one does. And I feel like the Tonight Show culture in America,

the late night show culture in America, fucked up a lot of comedians for a very long time because they come over to Europe and they look at all the British acts and go, geez, all your stories are so long-winded and all that type of stuff. Where everyone over here seemed to, for a very long time, trying to make a snappy five minutes. And that's not where it's at in the long term. You're totally right.

It ruined Boston comedy. There's a whole special, a whole documentary that this guy, Fran Salamita, who was a Boston comic, did about it, called When Stand-Up Stood Out. And it's all about Stephen Wright making it. Stephen Wright getting on, was it Letterman? Did Stephen Wright get on Letterman or Tonight Show? I think it was Letterman.

Whichever one it was. Letterman or Tonight Show. The documentary's excellent. But it shows how everybody changed then. They all started doing clean material. They all started trying to get on television. They're like, when am I going to get fucking picked up? What's going on?

When's this going gonna happen to me this is the documentary it was nothing was like being on an island and the only thing there was was trying to make the audience laugh they took a city by storm and without even knowing it ignited the biggest stand-up revolution ever no vanity no rules follow me in here aight girl, how are ya?

no regard oh, get off your mother- I love that footage give me security that was unnecessary. Take a journey back to a gritty world blown apart by excess, success, clashing egos, even death threats. All in the name of stand-up comedy. Comedy has become a thriving business as club owners fill their rooms to capacity weekend after weekend.

It was a really good time to be doing stand-up. That was like the beginning of thinking there's a big future in this thing. Critics called when stand-up stood out hugely entertaining and hilarious and have voted it one of the greatest stand-up movies of all time. Comedians were just like rock stars. So I quit doing comedy. I'm broke now. Official selection of the Montreal Comedy Festival and winner of the Telluride Independent Film Festival.

A film by Fran Salamita. It's a great movie, but the point being that... Look at how young he looked. Amazing, huh? That was when he was... He was a pretty revolutionary man. When Stephen Wright came along, nobody was like him before that. He came to see me at Caroline's with his publicist or something like that.

Afterwards, you're selling your DVDs and signing and doing photos and stuff. He waited in line with everyone. He came and bought a DVD and signed it. He goes, I thought you were great. I was like, who is this guy? I know this guy. He's just like an old guy in a baseball hat. He goes, I thought you were great. Like that, right? And I was like, who is this guy? I know this guy. But he's just like, he's just like an old guy

in a baseball hat, right? And I went, Stephen Wright? And he went, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he walked away. And then I went, he'd been standing next

to all these comedy fans and no one had noticed him. It's the beard, right? Yeah, the beard, but it's also the hat. But you wouldn't expect him to queue up. If he went to the front

of the line and said hello, people would have noticed him because he stood If he went to the front of the line And said hello People would have noticed him Because he stood there So incognito And did this And then I went Fucking hell everyone

That was Stephen Wright And then all the people Who were waiting To take a photo with me Chased after him So you sicked them on them So no one took a photo with me After that

Or bought any DVDs I was in the middle Of having a conversation With Robin Williams At the improv And I didn't realize It was in the middle of having a conversation with Robin Williams at the improv and I didn't realize it was Robin Williams until halfway

into the conversation. I thought he was just some dude who came to the show and wanted to talk to me after the show and he was talking to me about the dolphin bit,

the dolphin, eating mushrooms or eating pot brownie. I went on a boat and I had this life-changing experience in Hawaii playing with dolphins.

And I'm telling the story on stage and Robin Williams Comes up to me and he's he's talking to me about the bit and we're talking and I'm like, I was just this cool old dude This is fucking Robin Williams. Oh shit. He's a tiny little fella But it was just it was a bizarre thing like in the middle of the conversation. I'm just going. Oh, thanks, man. Thank you whoa, I bizarre thing like in the middle of the conversation i'm just going oh thanks man thank you whoa i have a theory on why actors and some comedians are super short in comparison to the general populace need for attention yeah it's just i i was at the fox with the tv show there's a party they have for fox for everything that's fox related where every star of every show has to show up it's in your contract you have to be there right and all the reporters go around talk to you

so so there's people like there's famous people and then there's like jennifer lopez walked in and then all the famous people like wow there's a real famous person you know but then i was staying next like like uh keitha sutherland was He looked like he was five foot nothing to me. Really? Yeah. I just thought he was a big guy. Because he plays Jack Bauer. You'd think he's a big guy.

And then Martin Freeman was there because he's in now the new Fargo. And he's an itty bitty. The new Fargo. They have a Fargo TV show now? Yeah. FX to bring it out. And it's got Billy Bob Thornton. Really?

Martin Freeman. Kate Walsh is in it. Holy shit. Does it have anything to do with the Coen brothers? I don't know if it's got anything, but it's been reviewed through the roof. People are saying it's the best thing. It's coming out in like 16 days. Oh, that's beautiful.

Oh, I fucking love that movie. That's one of my all-time favorite comedies. Because there's no jokes in the entire fucking thing. It's just fuck up after fuck up after you know just it's a completely character driven thing that car salesman the failure car salesman that fucks everything up what's that cat's name i don't know i haven't seen bill something another the guy was in shameless that's that's cool the billboard the post they got the bus stops which is like a knitted fucking rug.

It's pretty cool, huh? What is that guy's name who is on that shameless show on HBO or on Showtime? The guy who plays the lead? Yeah. He's in Mystery Men as well. Yeah. What's that guy? Yeah, Bill Macy.

Yeah, right? William H. Macy? William H. Macy, yeah. He's a very nice guy. I met that guy when I was on news radio He's super friendly Very very friendly guy Is he short though? I'm short

So it's hard to tell Everybody seems Giant to me Everything is Everything in this world Is just like Something I'm used to That bit is

Everything is just People trying to Pick up chicks Because that's why You get into anything Not in the long term But in your young years In your teens

It's just about How can I meet women How can I meet women So if you're at school you get into anything like not not in the long term but in your young years in your teens it's just about how can i meet women how can i meet me so if you're at school and you're a good looking guy then that's your way of meeting women if you're just a really good looking guy and if you're really good at sport that's your way but if you're short you better be fucking funny or if you're not good looking you better be funny or if you're not funny and all those things, then you better learn how to do a Shakespearean monologue in fucking drama class. You better have something.

You better have some little thing that's different from everybody else. So I think that's why all the actors, I don't think, because all the actresses are tall. Some of them are. There's a lot of short actresses. Like Nicole Kidman. She marries Tom Cruise. He's an itty-bittyitty fella he's not as itty bitty as everybody says it's sort of like the napoleon thing her new husband's really small well you know napoleon wasn't

really a short guy i didn't know that it was british propaganda napoleon was actually taller than the average person at the time really yeah yeah well it wasn't tall compared to today he's like five six yeah but back then everybody was fucking they were really tiny right so that was saying he's four yeah but tom cruise apparently i've i've talked to people like i've met sylvester stallone he's not that small everybody would say sylvester stallone's only five six he played uh rocky in the movies he was a heavy he's not five six i met the guy he's at least", maybe taller. Maybe he was wearing some shit in his shoes. I don't know.

But I'm 5'8". I don't wear any shit in my shoes. And I'm standing right next to the guy, and he's taller than me. I met Ben Kingsley, and he's like the opposite. They try to make him look smaller in film. He was a reasonable-sized guy, but whenever you see him in film, they try to make him look like a little tiny menacing bloke. Well, when Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise did that vampire movie together, Tom Cruise walked on a platform around him,

so they were similar heights. So everywhere they walked when they were doing the thing, Brad Pitt is essentially walking in a ditch. That may or may not be true. I wasn't there when it was filming. No, I believe that'd be true. It might be. It might be just total Richard Gere gerbil in the ass propaganda even on my tv show i found it weird

when this season i get to kiss two girls and one girl was like five foot tall and one girl was six foot tall whoa it definitely looks better when you're kissing a six foot tall girl really yeah because like i'm the same height as that you just have to turn your head. But when all of a sudden you're kissing a real short person and you're hunched over, it doesn't look cool on film. Yeah, that's why they like you to pick them up. Hoist them up in the air while you're making that one. I'm a tall, weak person. I can't do that.

We all have our limitations. Is this the actors? Okay, so Danny DeVito, he is super small. Yeah, he's five foot. And then Michael J. Fox is just five foot four. Same with Emilio Estevez. Then you go up to the Woody Allens. Emilio Estevez is five foot four?

Yep. See, how do I know they're not making this up, though? Woody Allen's taller than Emilio Estevez? For real? Yeah, Woody Allen's five foot five. Yeah, he's only a little fella and then jack black i passed him yesterday at the airport and no one was bothering him and you want to know why i think he was wearing his neck pillow it was covering up a lot of his face he had it like with a little velcro strap around his neck he just looked like a slumpy sort of guy who had to get his flight

and he didn't look like a movie star. I'll tell you that much. That's a good move in the neck pillow because if you don't want people talking to you wearing a neck pillow because there's that extra step that they have to take. Like, is that fucking guy wearing a neck pillow?

And then they decide not to talk to you because it's kind of sorted out. And it looks like you're obviously ready for a sleep so you don't want to be bothered. Who bothers someone who wants to sleep? That's a very good point. Rude people. The same type of people that bother you while you're obviously ready for a sleep, so you don't want to be bothered. Who bothers someone who wants to sleep? That's a very good point. Rude people? Yeah.

The same type of people that bother you while you're eating. Yeah. Do you get people that come up to you while you're eating? They do that after you go and they're like, hey, I don't want to interrupt you. But I'm going to interrupt you. Yeah, well, you do. You do want to interrupt me. You feel bad about it.

I want to interrupt you, but I feel bad about it, is what you should say. Yeah. They're just trying to find a way to be not rude while they're being rude yeah they're not even being rude i understand that people want to say hello especially if you're eating just seeing the show if you're eating and you have a mouthful of food yeah that's where i draw the line like when you're sitting down to eat when you're with your friends and people come over to the table like if everybody did that it would be fucking chaos. There's a certain amount of privacy or just peace that a person should be able to get.

And while a person's eating their meal, that's where I draw the line. Are you happy with your level? You're more famous than me, right? I'm mildly famous. You're famous, famous. And then there's the next. You don't want to go there. You don't want to go there.

You don't want to go to the next level. I think I'd like to go up to about where you are and then stop. Even back it down a little. I'm trying to back it down a little. I'm trying to take a little bit of the edge off. It's like, so at the moment I get stopped, I would say, four times a day, and three of those people would just say, hey, Jim, and then. That's great.

And that's great, and then there'll be one person who'll take photos, and that's no problem. And that's where I'm at right now. But I'm not at the stage where I can ring a restaurant up and go, Jim Jeffries needs a table, and they'll fucking find a table. Because most of the population doesn't know who I am. So I would like that, because I like to...

I'm lazy with my reservations. That's what I would like to get to. Table, Restaurant tables. Yeah, restaurant tables helps if you were a club hopper and you wanted to get to... I got a young kid. I might club hop again maybe later on in life, but I can't. For now, there's no club hopping. At the moment, I'm just fucking daycare guy.

I'll tell you, I'm trying to lose weight again so i started going back to the gym so i go to the gym and there's a daycare at my gym where i can take my son and just drop him off and there's like two ladies in their 50s that just sort of work behind the counter and one of my son who's 16 months old just fucking loves one of these ladies there's this old asian lady and he lights up when he sees her and she loves him she'll be playing with other kids and when she sees my son she'll just drop what she's doing and just go hank and then she says the same thing every time she'll go there's my boyfriend here he is pass me my boyfriend my boyfriend gives me kisses and then she starts kissing him all over the face right right? And then goes, enjoy your workout, and I walk off.

Now, I can't do that with a baby girl. I can never go, there's my girlfriend, my girlfriend gives me kisses, give her here, enjoy your workout. Why is that? Why is that so? I don't want to do that. Mind you, I'm not fighting for the freedom

to do this in the near future. I just think it's a very odd. I have a whole bit about it. Yeah? Yeah. There's no sexual equality in child molesting. Because there's a commercial. I don't know if you've ever seen the commercial where there's a just for men baby.

Just for men is some shit that old dudes put in their beard. Yeah, yeah. And their beard's gone gray. There's a baby with a beard. And he's driving a Porsche with a grown woman next to him. And the baby goes to the club, and he's dancing. All these women are running around kissing him. And what I'm saying in that bit is there's no sexual equality

and child molesting. You couldn't make that same commercial with the sexes reversed. Look at this. There's a baby. She's got a grown woman. The baby gets out of the car. Now look at the bouncer. He recognizes him. He points the finger at him. He's like, oh, it's got a grown woman. The baby gets out of the car. Now look at the bouncer. He recognizes him.

He points the finger at him like, oh, it's you, you fuck. And the guy goes in there, and he's got a bottle. Look, he's got a bottle. Just in case you're thinking, well, maybe it's a little eccentric midget. So he's doing his little dance. And look, surrounded by pussy and a couple of gay dudes who just wish they could get him to turn over. This baby is the shit. who just wish they could get him to turn over.

This baby is the shit. And if you switch the sexes, if you had a bunch of dudes with Tarzan loincloths swinging cock, like, that's baby face height to vagina. That baby's dancing around, and the vaginas are right there. Also, that's just an ad that's making fun of something. It's a comedy of commercial. It's meant to be a joke.

But even in real life, I don't know about you but whenever you hear like there's a guy who's been molesting the fucking school the the the volleyball team yeah you always go that fucking creep right exactly but then as soon as you hear there's a female teacher that had sex with a 13 year old boy you always go all right i'll have to see the photo of this woman first and then if the woman's kind of hot you you're like, all right, I can see where he, you know, I don't even blame the kid. I'm like,

not that I would ever blame the kid, but I'm like, I don't know if he had a bad time. Yeah. Is that wrong? No, it's not wrong at all. What I say is that.

There was a teacher in my school who I would have loved to have fucked when I was 13. Of course. I used to masturbate to her all the time. There's nothing wrong with it if she's hot. That's what people need to accept. There is something wrong with the man.

The difference is a man can molest a 13-year-old girl. A woman can't molest a 13-year-old boy. She can just let him fuck her. Yeah. They're two different things. Yeah. And they say that women develop faster. They do.

They do in a lot of ways. They just, they're not allowed to fuck as early. Yeah. They can't enjoy it. They can't enjoy it they can't enjoy it at 13 there's something really creepy about a man fucking a 13 year old but if you found out your son got caught you know with the teacher bent over the desk and he's banging her you you'd fucking be really kind of proud of him yeah there wouldn't be you'd be like oh you shouldn't do that but all right it's it's funny like paul walker when he died he they found out that he had a girlfriend for like eight years or something and when he started dating her she

was 16 he was 34 yeah right and then on the tv but then it's like that weird thing that when they're a celebrity that even the entertainment entertainment tonight were like but she was very mature and she and you're like no no no no no statutory rape man you can't just change the rules because the guy's dead now

first of all no disrespect but how good must that pussy have been where a 34 year old movie star is freaking out about a 16 year old I mean how is that

well she doesn't look that good if you can pull a picture of her well it might not be a good thing I mean yeah she might have had a she might have been dynamite she might have had voodoo pussy yeah yeah

I've met those ones as well those girls where other girls are like there she is there she's pretty man that's her at 24 or something before she but I don't

I don't begrudge him fucking a 16 year old girl in the sense that you can see some 16 year old girls where you go. And it's legal in the UK and Australia. It's not like it's – I understand wanting to have sex with a fully developed 16-year-old. What I don't get is him dating her.

Pulled up that picture again? That is an odd picture, man. She's like – well, she's in her 20s there. Yeah, this is like when she's – like they've been dating for seven years or something. You know, I hate the idea of, look, I have daughters. Yeah. So the first thing I'm going to say is this is not something I'm really entertaining. But I hate the idea that if two people really do love each other and for whatever reason they're perfect together, it can't happen because the guy is 30 and the girl's 16.

Come on, the girl has to. I agree with you. She has to date a few to... I agree with you. She has to date a few guys. I agree with you. I was devastated when the girl I lost my virginity to at 16 broke up with me and I thought I'd never find love again. I haven't since, really, but I've enjoyed a lot of different women since then. The thing that's creepy is not the sex, it's the conversation

after sex. It's the fact that he laid there with her afterwards and went, how was school? And she went, good. And she goes, what have you been up to? And he was like, I made a movie. And it's a very good movie

but it's got a lot of swear words so you can't see it for two years. Because you shouldn't listen to swear words. Yeah, that's a good point, man. That is the one thing that's a good point. I think that, you know, he should be able to fucking do whatever he wants. He's a good looking guy, though, man. I mean, he should be able to date anybody who wants to date him as long as that person is old

enough to make their own choice. The real question is when, when is the age that you're old enough to make that choice? Is it 16? Is it 17? Is it 18? It's 16 in the rest of the world, but it's 18 and 18 in America. So we mean, so in that sense, yeah, he broke the law, but just because some shit's written down on paper obviously doesn't mean it makes sense. And also, we know that he broke other laws such as speeding. Well, it wasn't him. It wasn't like this guy was a lawyer. Somebody else killed him.

Oh, that's true. He didn't drive that car. I felt sorry when he died and all that type of stuff. There was a lot of deaths all at once this year. And I felt really sorry for the guy that made the in memoriam thing for the Oscars. Every night he must have sat down and gone, all right, okay, the Oscars are coming. Paul Walker, the music ends. Beautiful.

I go to bed, wakes up in the morning. Fucking Philip Seymour Hoffman. All right. So Philip Seymour Hoffman, the end. And then like He reads the paper I thought Shirley Temple Was already dead This is bullshit

Put Shirley I thought she was dead too Put Shirley Temple in The end Harold Ramis It was just fucking ongoing Until the day He had to make that video

That guy James Rebhorn Who played Carrie's dad On Homeland He died I did a I did a pilot with that guy On Homeland James Rebhorn, who played Carrie's dad on Homeland. He died. I did a pilot with that guy. On Homeland?

You ever see that show, Homeland? I do watch Homeland. Who plays who? Carrie's dad. She plays the father of the main chick. The chick that's off... Yes. The wife.

Oh, no, the daughter. Yes. Well, the dad, the British guy, who played the lead in Homeland. No, no, not that guy. The wife. Oh, no, the daughter. Yes. Well, the dad, the British guy who played the lead in Homeland. No, no, not that guy. The other one, Carrie. Carrie is the crazy CIA agent. Oh, he's the old guy. The guy who plays her dad.

Yeah, gray hair, bald-like. He just died. Oh, that's sad. Great guy. Really, really nice guy. I'm still upset with Fred Phelps dying. Really, really nice guy. I'm still upset with Fred Phelps dying.

Fred Phelps, to me, is, if you know, he's the Western Baptist, West Borough Baptist Church guy who used to protest gay people's funerals, soldiers' funerals, because he believed the war started because we were too nice to gays. He's got a good point. This is my thing. to gays he's got a good point yeah well this is my this is my thing i i i i'm an atheist and i'm also a very non-homophobic person in the sense that i i i i wouldn't even care if my son was gay as long as he was happy i'm of that opinion when it comes to homosexuals but he was fred phelps was possibly the most way out there religious person we've had in a very long time, where he actually had decisions like, oh, the war started, must be because of the gays,

and then he decided it was gospel, right? But what if he was the only bloke on earth that was right? Like, he gets to heaven, and then God's like, you're the only one who got me. And then, like, God's sitting up there. He goes, where's everyone else? He goes, well, no one else. You were the only person that followed it to the fucking team, man. Everyone else is in hell.

And the two of them are just sitting there. And then Fred goes, faggots are cunts, aren't they? And then God goes, damn straight. And they fist pump or something. I don't know. If his beliefs were real, then he's the only bloke getting into heaven, is the point I made. Well, the problem is his beliefs aren't know. Like, if, if, if his beliefs were real, then he's the only bloke getting into heaven is the point I made.

Well, the problem is his beliefs aren't anywhere. They're not written anywhere. Yeah, but he started to believe them. Well, he may have believed them. If you listen to the way he talks though,

like you ever see the Louis Thoreau documentary with him, where he went and visited them, stayed with them for three weeks. It's very interesting. And one of the things you realize is the amount of ego this guy has. And he just wants people to listen to him.

Like, he doesn't answer questions. Sometimes when a question comes up, he just says, I'm not going to even answer that because you're so stupid. Like, he just comes up with some reason why he's superior. There's so much ego involved in, like, what he was doing, the way he was running that church. It wasn't based on any scripture. I liked how they had to sing songs you know they weren't smart enough to write their own songs so they just got songs of artists who they probably call singing sinners to begin with

and just there was the one that they did we are the world but it was like god hates the gays they're all faggots. It's like that. And it's like Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie wrote that song. Are you telling me that you were fans of theirs and they were pretty close to the model that you wanted for your church? Or you're paying rights? Whenever someone is a religious guy and they try singing any sort of pop music, it automatically kills it.

Like that guy in Australia that thinks he's Jesus and he sings Green Day. Have you ever seen that guy? I don't know him, but I like him already. You've never seen the Australian Jesus? No. Oh, he's awesome. He says he's Jesus, and he hangs out with this hot chick that he bangs, who apparently used to be Mary.

And Mary has a vision. I remember him on the cross. I remember him crying. Can we get a picture of this chick? It's the second chick. The one on the far right on the cross. I remember him crying. Can we get a picture of this chick? It's the second chick. The one on the far right is the Mary. That's Jesus with the glasses. Yeah, right.

And Mary apparently, unfortunately, just found out recently that she was the second Mary. And there was another girl that Jesus said was Mary before her. That was Mary Magdalene. It's two of them. He likes to tell people he's Jesus to get the pussy. Oh, yeah, I'm Jesus. Yeah, I've been Jesus for a while, really. That's his nuclear option. You've got to listen to the guy talk.

Play some of it, Brian, because it's quite brilliant. And, you know, he's not even an exceptional guy, which is not to Jesus of Siberia. It's a totally different one. In his defense, this is how the original Jesus came out, and they hung him on a cross. Like, there's going to be some guy, if you believe in God,

and there's going to be a second coming, then he's going to come... This guy's got as much chance as anyone of being Jesus. No, he doesn't. He has zero chance of being Jesus. But the guy in Waco said he was Jesus as well, right? Well, he was much like this guy. I just want to get some pussy.

Similar. Listen to him. ...family member, and they are critical of Miller. They have come... No, no, that's not his voice. That's the narrator's voice. His voice, though, is very non-Jesus-like. I've always been...

How can he be from Australia? The original Bible didn't even mention Australia. ...on the island for the stake. It was like a pole. It was made. They had to do that. That's not his voice either. He's the Jesus guy who was the other guy with the dark hair and the glasses. Fucking do unto others as they'd fucking do to you, cunt. If you could see him talking. Here he goes.

Here. They wanted to go back. Spirit world. Yep. You can't listen to this. Here you go. Can they do that? This is one of Miller's

Okay the narrator's Who are these people So he's got followers Oh yeah Quite a few Queensland I believe Is where he lives Ah fucking Queensland

Is that a spot? Is that a fucking spot? That's the That's the Alabama of Australia Oh well there you go That makes sense It's a little bit i actually like queensland my father's from queensland i have an affinity with queensland i'll be there in april selling tickets

to the brisbane tv theater but um i they're a little bit uh they had a politician for a while there called pauline hansen and pauline hansen was just really racist it It was like the problems of the Aboriginals and this is why we have to, you know, she was one of these type of people. She got voted in in that town and she was sort of this redheaded, well, she looked like she was off a matchbox. She was just this redheaded woman.

It turned out she had electoral fraud and she went to prison for like six months For doing votes Anyway, she comes out after being really racist And then saying stupid things Like, how would you fix the economy? And she goes, print more money Then we'd all have more money

Like, this is the level of intelligence Jesus Christ She got voted in, right? So she's like another level past Sarah Palin So even in my family, we're like, that woman's disgusting. I can't believe that all these things. She's a racist Sarah Palin. That's a perfect adjustment of her, right?

And so she gets put into prison. And then when she comes out, she goes on Dancing with the Stars. And my parents forgive. My parents will forgive anything if you do a cracking foxtrot. They were voting for her. Because my dad goes, she's got good legs. I go, but she just said that aboriginals should die. Ah, you bloody hold on to things for too long.

That's so true. If someone was running for president and they did Star Search, or Dancing with the Stars, or American Idol, or whatever those fucking shows are, and where America got to vote and they did really search or dancing with the stars or american idol or whatever those fucking shows are and you know where america got to vote and they did really well they'd probably become president yeah yeah yeah oh yeah as long as she let's see if we can get a picture of pauline hansen up i haven't had a look at this woman's face for going on 20 years she's doing a fish and chip shop there was like people that she was so racist people would wear martin luther King t-shirts

on the front that said, I have a dream. And then there'd be a picture of her on the back that goes, I have a fish and chip shop. There she is. That was our Sarah Palin in Australia.

Wow, she even kind of has that thing going on, that Sarah Palin thing going on. Yeah, and the Asians, the Asians come in here and buy all the land. Wow. What do you think about this old banning bossy? It's retarded. Stupid, isn't it in here and buy all the land. Wow. What do you think about this old banning bossy?

It's retarded. Stupid, isn't it? It's never going to work. It makes me angry. It makes me angry that you're pretending someone's feelings are hurt because of the word bossy. Also, they try to say the word bossy means leadership. It doesn't. Like, I have a few nieces, and I won't say which of them.

One of them's a bit bossy. And when I mean bossy it's not like she goes okay you sit over here we're playing this game you she's like don't touch that that's my toy she's just a bit of a cunt yeah they don't like cunty so they're trying to get rid of bossy which is a substitute for cunty they're trying to remove themselves from criticism anybody who's coming up with that they're either trying to silence free speech or they're trying to remove what they think is criticism they've faced many times. And it's, you know, a lot of them, like, where is it coming from? Most likely feminists.

Well, what are a lot of feminists? A lot of feminists are very strong women who like being able to tell people what the fuck to do. And what would be a criticism of that? Well, she's a cunt. She's cunty. She's bossy. Yeah. Those are, they're all in line with what people don't like. And what would be a criticism of that? Well, she's a cunt She's cunty She's bossy Yeah

They're all in line with What people don't like I will ban bossy Get the fuck out of here Freedom of speech You can't ban It's the dumbest fucking thing ever On their advert or

The program The woman was there going Do you know that men Own 99% of the world's property? Right? And then I I thought about it Do you know 95% of the world's property. Right. And I, and then I, I, I thought about, do you know, 95% of the homeless are also men. There's plenty of bossy bitches kicking cunts out of their houses. You know, living rent free.

I know. And they keep on going, oh, you're banned bossy. You won't get women that are head of corporations. Most bossy women that I've known in my life don't have jobs yeah and probably would never get to the head of a corporation because that requires a lot of people skills it's not like they've been held back by us going bossy i'm there paying the rent and they're still fucking bossing me around you know it doesn't feel like yeah no this the idea is ridiculous the idea that all these women want to have fucking want to be the head of corporations is ridiculous, too.

A lot of women don't want those jobs, either. They're not working towards those jobs. The idea that they're completely banned from those jobs. There are women out there who run corporations. Is it fair? I'm not saying it is. But there's a lot of shit that's not fair. Life is not fair.

There's a good chance we'll have a female president next. It's possible. Yeah, yeah. There's just very different characteristics that men have and women have. There's very different personalities, almost inherent to having testosterone and a dick, that you don't have when you have a vagina. Also, with a woman, and this is nothing against women, when they have a kid, I'm not saying because they take nine months out of the workplace,

although that's probably a problem, but I don't give a fuck. When they have a kid, their not saying because they take nine months out of the workplace although it's probably a problem but i don't give a fuck when they have a kid their mind does change a little bit they become less career driven for a lot of them not all of them yeah but they do start going i want to spend time with this and then a man has to step up a little bit more and work a bit hard i sometimes begrudge the amount i have to go on the road and be away from my kids so as i can support the family you know i feel like i i miss out on something there i'd rather be home all the time with him right i know exactly what you mean yeah um i i think everyone has a role and that everyone's role is different depending on the relationship depending on where you are in life depending on everything but the idea that where you are in life, depending on everything.

But the idea that it should be even for men and women is ridiculous. The idea that anything should be even is ridiculous. Yeah. The only thing you should ask is for no discrimination. Yeah. No discrimination and that someone would be – they would be promoted based entirely on how well they do what they do. Who's right for the job. They would be promoted based entirely on how well they do what they do.

Who's right for the job. Yeah, but the idea that there should be an equal amount of men and an equal amount of women in the same position, I don't buy that. It doesn't make any sense to me. Because there's a lot of jobs that men do better than women and a lot of jobs that women do better than men. It's just a fact. And they've got Beyonce and Condoleezza Rice

and who is the other bird they've got? Julia Gardner is on the campaign as well. And then, like, Beyonce's there going, I'm not bossy, but I am the boss. I'm the queen. What is it with black women and wanting to be the queen? Queen Latifah. How about men? Queen of the night.

Men are always the king. Black men, like, there's a lot of fighters that call themselves king. Black or white men will call themselves the king of the castle. I'm the king of my home. That's a universal male thing. We want to be the king. Black women want to be queens, and white chicks want to be princesses. That's true.

They don't even want to be queens. They want to be the child. The only white chick that wants to be the queen is the queen. That's probably it, right? Every time you meet a girl, it's like, I'm a princess. Because they want to be taken care of. And black chicks are like, I want to fucking own you, cunt. I'm the queen.

Well, that was the thing that black men, there was a big thing they used to say. It was that we used to be kings you know black men used to be kings you know before we were slaves we were king that's because in africa they only had little villages and they didn't travel very far it was easy to be a king when the population was 10 and it was you and the other hut and you're like i'm queen or whatever and fucking you go out with your spear and you think i'm the king of this little because still now they've got guys that are driving taxis in the uk who's like i'm prince adubu right and you're like i'm fourth in line for the throne because

there's so many fucking kings over there that's hilarious and it's so true if you really stop and think about it like the the the amount of people that's probably directly in line we were talking about we were talking about being famous that you don't want to be the king of a place that's too big yeah you know like you don't want to be the you don't want to be the head of rome there's too much shit going on you're in all these other countries a lot of people to overthrow you too much stress everybody's looking to kill you all the time but if you're the king of a fucking small village Yeah Like you're probably Doing pretty good You get all the fish

Yeah You're good You got you know Ten wives Or whatever the hell you need You get golden You got ten wives Occasionally you can go

Over to a guy's house And just take a goat Yeah it's a It's a tribute He has to pay But if you're like The head of England God damn

There's a lot of pressure on you Well that King Ralph Yeah that was a good film. You know what I like about King Ralph? King Ralph is a movie where you know they've worked backwards. They've gone, alright, this is the prep.

You've come up with movie ideas, but if you come up with movie ideas you think of just the broad strokes. So someone's gone, okay, an American guy is the king of England and he's a slob and he likes ten pin bowling. That's what I've got. And then another guy's going, how do we get rid of the royal family? I'm thinking, alright?

And then one of them's gone, I've got it. They're all standing in a puddle and get electrocuted. They're all they take a photo of the entire royal family at once. They're standing in a bit of water. The camera falls over.

Light falls into the puddle. And they all get electrified to death. Electrified? Electrocuted. And then, obviously, they go through all the family. They can't find a single relative until they find a fat guy from Milwaukee called Ralph. I don't know if he's from Milwaukee. It sounds like he was.

King Ralph. I never saw that movie. Peter O'Toole was in it. Was it good? Peter O'Toole. It's funny. I haven't seen it. Have you seen it recently?

I tell you what, I know. And movies, I tell you what I watched three days ago. I watched The Doors movie. Great fucking movie. I don't know because I went and saw it when I i was it was 1993 or 1992 when that movie came out i saw it in the cinema so that would have made me 16 i was a kid from australia i had never heard a door song but i knew it was hip to like the doors and so i went along and watched it it was all of a stone it's a lot of cutting back and forth and all this type of stuff and i remember walking out

of the cinema being bored out of my skull at 15 but then like still saying to my friends like that was a cool movie man lying yeah lying and then when i heard then when i heard like someone didn't like the film i was like you obviously didn't get it you obviously don't get what jim morrison has to say and now i watched it as an adult and it's not as i enjoyed it more but my conclusion was that jim morrison was a bit of a that Jim Morrison was a bit of a dick. He was definitely a bit of a dick, but he was also a guy, just like we were talking about Lenny Bruce. He's living in a totally different era.

Breaking out in that era, doing what they were doing was completely radical. How many young comedians have you met that think they're like a Jim? Like, oh, yeah, the things I'm saying and the words I'm... Mort Hicks. Yeah. You ever worked the punchline inlanta uh yes i've got a back room the green room has a someone wrote on the wall quit trying to be hicks it's fucking brilliant it's brilliant because for a long time like especially after hicks died when he died in the uk that's all i care about the hicks up man yeah and i've actually i I like Bill Hicks, but I've gone out of my way not to watch him

because I got kind of sick of, anytime you did edgy comedy, you got compared to him. And I thought, if I don't watch him, then you can't compare because I'm not influenced. So I haven't, you know what I mean? Well, that's a compliment. I don't think people are meaning it in a negative way. Yeah, no, no.

But it just got to the stage where, evidentlyly we were all trying to be Bill Hicks. Yeah. That's just an easy criticism. That's like if you have an argument with a woman and someone says, oh, you hate women. You hate all women. You know that easy argument? Yeah, yeah. And if you're edgy and they want to dismiss you, oh, you're just trying to be Hicks.

It's an easy dismissal. My girlfriend's favorite argument is when I'm telling her off about something is or when she's telling me or whatever the argument is is the problem with you is you always think you're right and i always go do you say things that you think are wrong is this what you fucking do of course i always think i'm right i might not be right but these are my opinions these are what i therefore believe to be correct are you just fucking saying things willy-nilly so this is probably why we fight so much but yeah i always believe i'm right i think if you consider it deeply enough you should always believe you're right yeah yeah if you're just talking off the top of your head yeah yeah yeah

i i might be an idiot but i always think i'm Yeah, I don't ever say anything that I think is wrong. Several times I am wrong, but I don't know that before the fight. That's a very important point, that you don't know you're wrong, but you are. But I have a real problem with that. When someone realizes in the middle of an argument that they're wrong, and then they keep going. No, when they keep going. I fucking hate that. When you hear them justifying it. it yeah they don't back down it's like it's like

i was i was on set dj calls who's in my shows the skinny kid out of road trip i was he was singing along to uh wanted dead or alive by bon jovi i'm on it dead or alive. And then there's a line, on the steel horse I ride. Right? Yeah. I always thought it was, I'm going to steal the horse I ride. Because he's a cowboy.

Right. But it turns out he's riding on a motorcycle. That's better, actually. And I haven't got the gist of this song whatsoever. Right? And I said, oh, you got that wrong. It's, I'm going to steal the horse I ride.

And then he said, no, it's not. And then I went, no, you're wrong wrong. I'm going to steal the horse I ride. And then he said, no, it's not. And then I went, no, you're wrong. I checked it on the internet and he was right. But I didn't back down. Just keep it mum. Yeah, I just kept on going for weeks about it. You don't even know fucking song lyrics.

Just because I knew it upset him. Either one is fine. Steal horse or steal the horse. I think steal the horse is more renegade cowboy steel horse is any asshole can go buy a harley davidson and pretend you're a fuck i like i like my lyrics better it's better it is better steal the horse i ride that's some real renegade shit you're a fucking you're you're a horse thief there's a song one of my favorite songs from an Australian band called UMI is called, uh, heavy heart. And, uh, um, there's a lyric that goes, uh, now every t-shirt's got a white, uh, wine stain. I'm loving cigarettes

again. I know every tune. It's just about a guy's been dumped, right? Right. Now every t-shirt's got a wine stain. I always thought it was now every t-shirt has a white stain and that's my legs. Cause like he's been dumped dumped so he's wanking so much that he's getting cum everywhere and i think that's probably better that's a great in a romantic song though every t-shirt's got a white stain i'm loving cigarettes again wine stain come on man hold me closer tony danza yeah that's a good one yeah everybody used to have a bit about that and that was like one of the early stand-up bits that people used to have a bit about people getting the lyrics wrong. There was a bunch of guys that had that. Where they used to have like the sheet where they have them written and they'd be flipping them over what they thought was...

No, no, no. Like they would sing the wrong lyrics. Like there's a few guys that had bits and it would be a real problem if they worked together. Like there's a few guys that had bits about people getting the the wrong like you've seen this guy with diamonds they would come up with an uh the wrong word for it and they would have a whole thing i saw a lot of guys hold me close to tony danza that's photoshop though so obviously um i i there was a um uh there was a lot of guys who would have a pad and they'd write out, in Britain, they'd write out all the lyrics to songs like, you know, like that song they always play like in satanic movies. It's in Latin, right?

But he would write out what he thought it was in English. And when you saw the words with the music, your ears started to go, oh, that is what they're saying. You know? And then there was another one for that michael jackson uh the earth song what about that one yeah no one knows what the fuck he's saying and that he's just screaming around and that was very popular in britain for them to go these are the words i think it's yeah it's kind of hacky it's kind of hacky you know but i'm not i don't mind a guy there's occasionally you get like this song parody guys that are really shit most of them are shit but occasionally you'll get a guy where you go oh he's all right him just out of nowhere it's like anything if you if you

if you even if you do something shit if you do it extraordinarily well then it can be good well it sucks for a guy like weird al yankovic, who was like one of the first guys. He does it very good and just doesn't change the lyrics. He gives a whole new story. It's like he does that Offspring song, I'm pretty fly for a rabbi. Yeah. And it's just all about this guy,

and he's in his rabbi place and his synagogue. It is a weird thing, though, when someone else creates the foundation for what you're doing. Whenever you're doing a parody of something, someone else creates the foundation and then you come along and build comedy on the foundation of whatever they're doing. Like, I'm fat from I'm bad. You wear it. You've got the same outfit on. But he was the first guy to really

He used to get the rights from people Like for the film clips and everything People used to like it when they did it Oh, I'm sure See, at the moment I've been told That Dana Carvey does an impersonation of me I desperately want to see it

Dana Carvey does an impersonation of you? Yeah, like at CAA The agents were said We just know Dana Carvey does an impersonation of you? Yeah, like at CAA, the agents were said, we just know Dana Carvey does an impersonation of you. We're all cracking up. I don't think he does it on stage, but he was just doing it for the other agents down at CAA.

And then I think they thought that I'd be like, what the fuck is that cunt doing? I was like, fuck, all I want to know now is what it looks like. I want to see Dana Carvey. He's like one of the best impersonators Ever Yeah That's cool That's cool that he's doing An impersonation of you

Wow I'd say that's a good sign That's a good sign yeah He's one of those guys That I always think Maybe he just didn't Want to do movies anymore Because he just lives up

In San Francisco now He plays clubs every weekend And stuff like that But Does he? Yeah I think Does he do a lot of stand up? Yeah but I think he does it like In a club down the road from his house where he goes every week and it's packed out really you

know what i mean like he's just that guy let's find out yeah he was i think he was at the ice house recently really yeah i i man he's that's those era films were like like wayneswell and all that were like a big deal for me. Yeah, me too. I think I saw Wayne's World more than any movie ever in my life. Well, he's doing a bunch of theaters. He's doing San Manuel Casino and he's doing the IP Casino Resort and Spa. He's doing like, you know, smaller casinos. But maybe he's doing, you know, he just works up there and then i want to put him in legit

i'll see if he like if we get a third season i want to put him in i i have him do an impression of you yeah maybe that could be the reason like i could see him on tv doing impersonation of me i go to confront him or something would be a cool episode like if i was a bit arrogant and all upset and i was on coke when i was watching the episode where he was doing that or the TV spot. I think for a guy like him, you know, I bet it's probably really a nice thing to do to just be able to do theaters. Yeah. Just do his gig on the weekends and then go places and not have anybody telling him, you know, oh, our movie got funded. The production company wants to change something about your show.

It's like my PR person wanted to come along to me with this because they didn't book it. They went, oh, we should come along to everything. I'm like, I've done Joe's podcast before. Just fine. Getting there by myself. Oh, PR people are disgusting. When people bring them and they start talking to me, you know, like what he needs to do is get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here.

You can't talk for him. There's a reason why he's here and not you get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. You can't talk for him. Let that guy. There's a reason why he's here and not you. He's a talker. This is a comedian or she or whoever the fuck the guest is. It's a very odd occupation, the PR. Well, they're confused. Everybody else that you have employed, you can sort of exactly tell where the money's coming from.

Your agent books the gigs and your manager gets you things. You can sort of go, quintessentially, you can justify that. But with PR, it's just like, I don't know, is that worth the money? I don't know.

Did I get anything out of it? Is my life better? I'm not sure what happened there. Some of them are real good. Some of them are really good at it. You know, I have a good publicist. He gets,

like if I need to do things, he can get me those things. If I want to, you know, promote something, a gig or what have you. But the bad ones are the ones that tell the clients what to say and what to do. Don't talk about this. Remember, don't do this.

Don't do that. You can never do that with a comic. Comics should do, most likely, the mistake that you think that they're going to make would be one of the best things they could do. You telling them not to say something, if they wind up saying it and it becomes hilarious, a big uproar, and the network gets pissed, it's probably the best thing they could ever do. I got in trouble a couple of weeks ago on Open Anthony, just ringing in, and I had to have my publicist check

that I didn't fuck everything up in my life because Carrie Fisher's in this season are legit. And so I chatted to Carrie Fisher for a while and Carrie Fisher told me a little bit about what she was doing in Star Wars. And I didn't think it was a big secret. And I was talking to Opie and Anthony about it. What was it?

Yeah, what was it? It turns out that on Star Wars forums and webpages went fucking mental. Like Jim Jefferies just spilt the beans on the new Star Wars film. Oh, no. And I was like, ah, fuck. They're the last fucking bit of mafia in this town that I need going after me. The people are in charge of.

Disney. 20th Century Fox and Disney at once teaming up to ruin my career. So she told you a secret? No, she didn't tell me a big secret. All she said was, she said to me, she goes, I'm going to film Star Wars sort of January through to July. And I said, I know, Benny Anthony. I go, well, it was announced.

I go, she can't be having a small role because she's there for that many months. So, like, I imagine that we're going to see her, Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo in the whole film. Which many people were speculating that they'll just have a cameo. And I was saying, well, that amount of time. And I thought maybe this was information that everyone already knew. I didn't know that I had some secret. I can say it again here because I'm already in trouble.

She was the one who fucked up by telling you if you're gonna tell someone something that's a secret you gotta say hey you can't tell

anybody this well I don't know if it was a secret I don't know if it's just been blown out of a point but they say that episode 7

is a continuation of episode 6 I'm like eh there's gonna have to be a 30 year gap between these things unless something happened with the force where everyone aged really fast they lost me 100 a few years back it's like the first couple of star wars that for the original few were pretty good and then when

they took that gap and then came back was in the in the 80s, the late 80s when they started doing them again? No, no, no. The Phantom Menace was later than that, man. That was like 19, no, 2000. I was at university. Was it really? Yeah. Okay.

Well, wherever it was, I was like, man, this is just not Star Wars. That was the height of my ecstasy taking. I was at that stupid thing when you get so into pills where you're like, we're going to see Star Wars and we'll be on ecstasy taking and i i was at that stupid thing when you get so into pills where you're like we're gonna have to see star wars and we'll be on ecstasy because it's like someone's just spent a billion dollars on special effects and that's still not good enough for my mind anymore i need to see what is it like to see that movie on ecstasy do you forgive them more i i actually saw it the first i saw it the first time on ecstasy, and I remember saying to people as we walked out, best Star Wars ever. And then I went and saw it two more times. And also, it didn't adjust after the drugs were off

because I'd been telling everyone all that week, you've got to see it. It's better than the original Star Wars. Oh, no. Because the pod thing, not the podcast, the pod racing, blew my fucking mind. What I was going to say. Yeah.

Jar Jar Binks, he is awesome in this movie. Best actor. I smell an Oscar. Do you remember how bad that character was? Everybody was angry. You know what was bad about those new films were, and I don't know if George is just an idiot, but a little bit racist. Yeah? Jar Jar Binks was obviously like a black sort of slave

woman from a like a gone with the wind style film and a black actor pull up pull up the jar jar binks no but the way he talked video ah me sir get you for that sir me sir gonna help you at the me sir and he was like just fucking shine my shoes and fuck off. Like, it was that level of racism they were putting in. And then they made the guys who were the trade embargo people, they were like Nazi-esque Japanese people. They were like, you have no section here in this part of the galaxy. Like that, right? Pull up a video. We're just going to die.

Pull up a video. I don't want to hear you do it. No, it's Aunt Maybel Or whatever Well that's interesting man I never even thought about it That way And then the goodies

All had British accent All the Jedi's were like We are part of the realm Of the thing And then You cannot come into Our trade Right

So it was like And all the All the Gungans Were like Laid back Jamaican style Black people In the end of the film Where they were all like hippies.

There is that thing that we do when we have a language that we want to be noble. We give it an English accent. Or villains. They're good at villains or romantic leads, the English accent. Like when you hear... Why is this music playing in the background? Because I think most of the videos with Jar Jar Binks

have been taken off YouTube, but this one's still awesome. Mesa Bumdegasher! Damn crashing the Mercedes! Damn vanishing! Mesa Bumdegasher! Mesa Bumdegasher! Mesa Bumdegasher! Mesa Jar Jar Binks!

Mesa Jar Jar Binks! Mesa! And grabbing that Jedi! Very, very bad! Oh! Steps on dog. He always has to walk 10 steps behind these masters. That's so weird, man.

The music is killing me. I know. That troll all along. He was the first fully CGI-ed person in cinema, and the technology just was a few years off because then they sort of nailed it with Gollum

well they can make it the thing about these guys like Jar Jar Binks is it's not a real thing so you don't compare it to a real thing and it doesn't fuck with you

like a real lion looks way different than a CGI lion there's something about the way they move it's like but like Godzilla is probably gonna

look fucking badass lizards and stuff look really good but I I always say don't CGI clothes about the way they move. It's like, but like Godzilla is probably going to look fucking badass. Lizards and stuff look really good, but I always say don't CGI clothes. As soon as you CGI clothing on something, the material doesn't

flows too smoothly like it's water or something. It doesn't ruffle like a real shirt. Like Yoda looked cool as a puppet. He was more believable as a puppet because he existed yes and

now yoda it's like with his flowing cloak that he comes in with it just doesn't that's what takes me out of it yeah that's the argument that special effects guys have for using makeup and like richard you know like the the the type of special effects that they used in in star wars the original star wars is all like the same shit they use in American Werewolf in London, like rubber and hair. It's all special effects guys. But it's real.

Rick Baker was like the main guy. But yeah, it's a real thing. Whereas if you're looking at, hair is a big one, like flowing hair. Any flowing hair that's CGI, it looks like shit. Yeah, yeah.

Unless it's like in a CGI world, like a Pixar film where everyone's fucking looking that way. Yeah, like a Pixar film. But if it's standing next to another person, you're like, eh. It's not real. Yeah, they're not ready yet. Animals are not ready yet. The wolves in Game of Thrones, those dire wolves, they're like, mm. We got John Ratzenberger on my show.

He plays one of the dads, right? Who's Cliff Clavin from Cheers. Ah, great. Now, I can always tell the age of a girl. Like, I don't shit on my girlfriend or anything, but I always think when these girls were extras, I have one line on the thing. You always think, I wonder if I could have fucked her.

You know, that's how all your life is like this, right? Right, of course. And I was talking to one girl thinking she was cute. And then this is the way I gauge a girl, whether she's too young for me. Right, of course. And I was talking to one girl thinking she was cute. And then this is the way I gauge a girl whether she's too young for me. Whether when she's talking to John Ratzenberger, does she know him as A, Cliff from Cheers, or B, the pig from Toy Story?

And if she's never heard of Cheers and he goes, oh, yeah, I'm Hammy, the pig from Toy Story. I got some coin hey buzz like you if he does all that and they go oh i know who you are you go okay you can't go near that girl that's too young too young it's like surely you must have seen cheers once a lot of people haven't you know why because kids today don't see anything old because they've got too many channel options it's true too many new shows to catch up on i used to see i've seen all the abracadabra films every shirley temple movie because my mother liked these old black and white films and they

were on a sunday and we only had four channels and one tv so i had to fucking sit and watch these films right because i didn't go out of the house for whatever reason. Now, the kids today, they've got their own. You had to wake up for a cartoon. Remember, the cartoon was at Sunday. You had to wake up for it. I remember that shit. Now you can DVR it. Plus, you've got a cartoon channel.

And then when you get a bit older, you've got this channel that sort of caters to you being a fucking moron, the Nickelodeon one, where it's like now you're growing up a little bit, we're still going to keep you children. When the kids should be starting watching more adult sort of drama-y type things, now they're watching fucking Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana or all that type of shit. Have you ever seen Nick at Night or Nick Moms? They have Nick...

They have Nick Moms stand-up. Nick's After Dark, yeah. Where they have the moms doing stand-ups. About being a mom. Yeah. I guess it works for them. I'm not hating or anything. But it seems like a very restrictive thing.

It's like I once did an atheist convention in front of like 5,000 people in Australia, and I was booked to do it. And as I said, I retire my jokes after they're done. This is the only time I brought back old jokes in recent times because I had to do a 40-minute set. It had to be all religious stuff and i have 40 minutes of religious stuff over the course of all my specials yeah but never at once so i actually sat on looking myself up on youtube going oh that's how that bit goes all right that's a bit that bit goes so i could just do a religious fucking set a 40 minute religious set how do you keep yourself from you know like

repeating the same sort of uh theme well i've done a lot of religious things but there was a little bit of cheating going on in the sense that i'd go i'd go uh fucking these catholics don't like people wearing condoms do they uh anyway i fucked a chick without a condom like that wasn't a religious routine. But there was some definite. You got to. Yeah. There was some dressing up of other jokes to make them look like they were religious.

That's funny. But when you do, when you meet that many atheists, okay, the atheist community, not a good looking bunch. Not a lot of sexy atheists. I don't know why. A lot of redundancy too. Yeah. A lot. And yeah, as I said, my opening line was, look at this, 5,000 people talking about nothing. You know?

Like, this is a lot of effort to talk about nothing. Well, have you ever heard of Atheism Plus? What's that? Oh, this is where it gets rough. It's Atheism Plus, a set of core ethical and moral values. So it's like, you know, anti-discrimination, anti-racism, essentially it's a religion, a religion based on a type of anti-religion but social code.

You should just know how to do these things. You should have your own social code inherently in you as a human being. I call it duh. Atheism plus is duh. Yeah, duh, don't be racist. Duh, don't be homophobic. I think at a certain point in time when enough information gets distributed like okay like for instance this group okay the four

people that are in this room if you want to start preaching to the four people in this room that you shouldn't be homophobic or you shouldn't be racist like to us with no point other than just espousing your beliefs we'd be like duh yeah of course what the fuck he's saying unless there's some humor to it you're just repeating some shit that everybody with a fucking brain and a heart agrees with like why why would you be sexist why would you be homophobic why would you be yeah all this simple simple fundamental things that that decide whether you can be friends with a person just the the bit where these are deal breakers for me. If you're homophobic, you're racist, whatever,

I think you're a cock if you're any of these things. And then there's the other things like I'm anti-gun. I have a lot of people who are pro-gun. You know what I mean? That's something that's just open to fucking argument or debate, but it's not a deal closer when it comes to being a friend, right? Absolutely. And then, yeah.

And then, of course, we all hate women. We're all on the same page with that one right the antidepressant one is one that i i leave open to debate i i i have people that i'm friends with that will go on this big rant about how evil antidepressants are and then i have friends that are on them oh i i've i've used them and i've found they have helped me in my life you used them and you got off of them yes why'd you get off them i probably should stay on them but i'm of the opinion in life it's better to be taking nothing into your body medicine wise you know there's other things you should take vitamins or whatever but i feel like if you can get away

with it and not take it it's probably better in the long term have you ever get away with it and not take it, it's probably better in the long term. Have you ever fucked around with 5-HTP? What's that? 5-HTP is the building blocks for serotonin. You can take it in a supplement form. 5-HTP actually helps your body produce more serotonin. It makes you feel better. All right. I'd be definitely up for something like that.

For me it's I've been on antidepressants Sometimes There was Sometimes a big Tragic event happened in my life And I just haven't been able to Pull my shit together

A couple of times that happened And then the last time I was just suffering from depression And it just wasn't Fucking shifting You know You ever been hit in the head? Yeah

How many times? Lots? One major Like high school a few times but one major time as an adult like there's an infamous video of me getting punched on stage but that one didn't actually hurt that was just a little dinger but one time i got off stage in nottingham england and no hint that the gig had gone badly or hecklers or anything and a guy came up and grabbed me from the back of the head and smashed my head into a table. And I fractured my skull above the bridge of my nose.

Why did he do that? I'm never quite sure. I was knocked out. Did they arrest the guy? From what I heard, the security roughed him up. The British government gave me $10,000 in compensation, £10,000 in compensation. But you got knocked got knocked unconscious huh and i woke up in a hospital yeah fuck that one it was like one of those one hitters but also i was facing the other direction

and it was it was really uh and this is what i'll say because i look this is one of the debates i get in i'm all for public health care and i'm saying that as someone who's got money and would pay for my private health care on top of that anyway uh in britain man they put me in a hospital they never checked my name they made sure i was all fucking well and good and then they just left me and i wasn't a citizen or nothing i agree with you 100 i think that health care should be mandatory that society takes care of its citizens. I think there should be optional healthcare, like a really good doctor, you know, like to get your knee fixed or something like that. You want to go to the guy who does the Lakers.

Yeah. But everyone should be able to get healthcare. You should, the poorer people in society should have free healthcare. And when I say the poorer people, like people like students, even if you come from a rich family or whatever, but once you're on your own at 18 and you want to stand on your own two legs and you don't want to ring mom and dad up and go, mom, I need, you know what I mean? They should be taken care of. And then once you get a bit, like normally when you get money, it's later in life and

you have more ailments later in life anyway. But in the UK, I paid for my private healthcare on top of my normal healthcare. Now, if in like the public healthcare, if I had something small, I used to use the public healthcare just to see a GP or the emergency emergency room or whatever i just saw my thing and then if they said like i had like for instance i had a cyst in my neck that had to be cut out and the doctor went the doctor goes all right you can be put on the waiting list for the public health care you can get it done in four weeks or i can do it for you tomorrow if you use your private cover so you get moved up the ladder

a bit quicker i see right so all these people who are complaining in america look i won't get as much help if you still buy it on top that's a better system and then nothing changes but it's it's i don't think they've structured it brilliantly out here or maybe they've had they've been up against it trying to explain it to americans because i listen to people on the radio all the time who are just like who sound poor to me they sound like they're working class people who kind of and they're like i don't want this health care this health care is gonna and you're like what you don't want what you don't want to have like you the the whole fact that these companies won't cover existing conditions if you have a little child that's born with AIDS or whatever,

I know that's a very exact thing I've just said, but of course someone, they should have health care. Exactly. Exactly. You know, there should be certain core things that society takes care of. There should be law enforcement. There should be hospitals. There should be fire departments.

When those core things are not being taken care of, if you don't have healthcare for people, I mean, what's the point in having a society? Like, you can't,

if you can't give these people the ability to heal themselves, I mean, isn't that like one of the major things you would want to take care of? But people say it's not in the Constitution,

but in the Constitution. So what? Well, it was written when healthcare was shit. Yeah. They didn't even know what the fuck they were doing. They had chicken bones and fucking, they didn't even have band-aids.

How about that? They didn't have band-aids. They didn't have sticky shit yet. They had leeches were very, very in. That's how people thought you'd heal. They didn't know enough about bodies. But in the whole idea that we have to stick only by things that were in the Constitution, the world is so fucking radically different than it was in the 1700s.

Yeah. And the idea is just fucking stupid. It's just a stupid idea. The Constitution has some great ideas and a great understanding of what goes wrong when corruption takes hold. It's like the Ten Commandments. It's a good foundation and a base, but then you can add to it. And then, you know, what did Louis C.K. say?

That there's no... The Ten Commandments don't say you can add to it and then you know what did louis ck say that uh there's no the the ten commandments don't say you can't rape yeah well rape is kind of tolerated in the bible no matter second class citizens in the bible i mean it's so clearly flavored by the time in which people uh wrote it you know i mean there's a lot of fucking shit in the bible but when you talk about coveting their wife's neighbor, you know, that's not about fucking or wanting to fuck her.

It's about, she's property. That's what it is. Coveting, it's like taking his property. It's not like coveting his wife, you know,

because they're in love and you're going to fuck up their gig. her face and over her tits. Look at all that covet I put on you. I don't have a great grasp of the English language. I don't think most people do.

Coveting thy neighbor's wife, though, is about him owning her. Yeah. Slaves, they have all these laws in the Bible about beating your slaves. It's all written about wherever the guy was and within a five-mile radius. There's a webpage called Ask God or something where little kids can type in.

And the most asked question on Ask God is that this is what kids' brains work. Like kids want to know, were there kangaroos on the ark? Right? After they hear all the stories, a child can get the Bible down to this is the information I want. Were there kangaroos in the ark is the most asked question and the answer is uh although there is no mention of kangaroos in the bible you can be assured because there was two of each animal that there were kangaroos on the ark they just decided to leave it out because not a lot of australians read the bible no they

just left it out because they didn't fucking know about australia god made god made the entire earth and the universe and all that type of stuff and he did it in like a week but he didn't know about australia at least not to mention in his book the australia thing is very interesting because it's such a huge continent and there's all these animals that are specific to australia yeah like the kangaroo yeah those motherfuckers aren't anywhere else no what a weird animal. They went out there and fucking wombats on the ark. And when Noah finished, when the water was going down, or when the water was receding to where it is now, did he go and drop everyone off at their different places?

Maybe all these animals were rocking around the town that he was in. They all lived in this one town. And then he went, oh, these are all the animals we've got left. I'm going to tell you, you're going to Australia, you're going to Australia, polar bears,

you're going to be on this boat for a while, lions, Africa. Like, he must have decided, right? Is there a bit in the Bible where he decides when everyone rocks out? No, they just,

they all walked and they found their spots on the world. Yeah. How? How did they make it to Australia? God provided them walking on water abilities. They gave them those big shoes that you have on holidays

that you think are good when you're going to walk on water. Tennis racket shoes. Yeah, those ones. Those are snow shoes. You need those, man, if you actually go walking in snow. If you ever watch any of those Alaska shows where people live in the... Stops you from sinking, right? Yeah, they have these giant, like, you know, sort of like net-looking shoes, and they walk around on those fucking things, and it keeps

you from... It spreads out your weight over a large space. Keeps you from... Like, if you were on pegs walking through the snow, it would be a real fucking pain in the ass. Stilts would be no good. Like, you don't want a wide tire when you're driving in the snow. A lot of no good like you don't want a wide tire when you drive it in the snow a lot of people think that you don't get more traction if you had a wide tire oh really yeah you actually want a more narrow tire because a narrow tire cuts through the snow the big wide tires tend to float on it because there's more weight is distributed over a larger patch a larger contact patch i don't really understand the snow i i find it i find it weird whenever i go

play a gig like i was just in like this week i was in milwaukee in detroit it was snowing in both places and i'm there in the snow and i feel like telling the people you know you're allowed to live anywhere in america you're a citizen you can live anywhere you live in hawaii anywhere you want people shoveling out their fucking driveway it seems like madness to me it is kind of madness but there's a certain type of person that grows up around snow that's a hardier person i understand like canadians where they're like i like to hunt and this and i like to cut down trees and shit you know my own syrup yeah. I like to tap. I'm going to put a tap in that tree over there

and get syrup out of it. I'm like, all right, enjoy yourself. But I don't understand, like, if you live in the city. Let's say if you have an apartment in the middle of one of these cities. Right. If you want to live in a big house in the hills and be like, ah.

In the woods. I've brought you some elk. Right. That's what i'm talking about yeah yeah i understand that but i don't why why i live in new york city and i don't understand and i also don't understand why let's say you have a shitty job like you're the guy in a booth that cuts keys right and you fix heels on shoes i've never understood why those two occupations are bound together yeah are they Yeah, it's always the shoe fixing guy also will cut keys.

I don't know if that's true. You know what I'm talking about. No. You know what the mailbox, there's like a UPS place that I send packages out of. They also make keys. Yeah. Keys have attached themselves to other occupations. You can't just have a key store.

You can't just have a key store. You've got to go, I make keys and donuts. I never knew that the shoe repair... No, the shoe guy is inherently mixed in with the key guy. I understand the key guy when he's hanging out with the guy who puts batteries in watches. Look at that. That's enough. It's a fucking sign.

It's a sign for sale on eBay. It's for key cutting. Yeah, shoe repair. We should get that and ship it to Jim Jefferies. Shoe repair and key cutting. That's the thing. Please purchase that. It's $29.99.

Please purchase that. We'll have it shipped to Jim Jefferies. Thank you. I'll have that. I'll put that in my gymnasium. So they have those. Okay, now if you do that job and you're doing, you fix a heel for $5, $10, and you do a key for $3, and you sit in your booth keying and shooing.

Why do that in Manhattan? Why don't you become the guy who does that in like Kansas where it's a lot cheaper to live? Because they live in Manhattan. I know, but you can live anywhere. But you're not making a lot of money with that key business. Enough where you can stockpile up your cash. The rent and everything Move to a new place

Get a new house Move all your shit there Yeah but it's a lot A big investment to move See the big problem With moving is You need Three months worth of rent

You need first Last and security Sure it's true That's a lot of fucking money True You also need The moving truck You also need the time

Oh I start again every year I just give away all my shit Do you really I moved to England G gave away all my shit. I moved over here to America, gave away fucking everything. Yeah, but you're a successful comic. There's a difference. You make a good living every week.

The stuff that you need to do your job is minimal. I mean, what do you need? You need a notebook and clothes. When I moved to Britain, I was flat broke. And then when I moved over here, I actually was getting, I was getting sued by Paramount when I moved over here and they basically cleaned out my bank account as well. Why were you getting sued?

I had a Ford DVD deal with Paramount DVDs UK. I can speak about this now because it's been so long. I think I've, the statue of whatever. Oh, maybe not.

I don't give a fuck. So, so I had, I had this Ford dvd deal uh and i had made one that was never meant to have gone into the shops that i said i could i'm just going to make one to sell after gigs so it was done really on the cheap and it's called contraband which is sort of a cool name for it because it wasn't in shops and all that type of stuff right and what happened was i after i made that i just started to get popular in the uk and they released

this into the shop so i already wasn't happy with them because it was a really shitty product really basic looking crap product anyway i come over here so i got that dvd in the shops over there i'm doing very well in britain i did well at the animal festival and all that stuff and i had a profile now i came over here i got my hbo special and i went back and good news everyone i got an hbo special i'm going to make it in america now as well and the lady that that was the executive was like talking to a fucking child it was she was like but you've still got a three dvd deal with us and i'm there going yeah but let me do this one then we'll then we'll start selling product in America. I'll do the next three with you.

You've already got me for a cheap rate. Let me do this one in America to raise my price. And she goes, but you can't do that. You're all deals with us. And so I went, I'm doing the HBO special. Sue me. And so they sued me for the advance money they gave me for the four. And then I- How much advance did they give me for the four. And then I –

How much advance did they give you? Well, you don't have to tell me. 90,000 pounds. And so you had to give them back. Which is like 150,000 American. It was a lot of money. And I had to give them back that plus money that – I might have been less than that.

Anyway, I had to give them that plus money that they'd spent on me. So it was like another 20,000 pounds or whatever and so I said all right for that I said you have to take contraband off the shelves because I never liked that one so I got that DVD pulled from the shops and I did a lot of jokes of that one were in my HBO special as well but um I got out of that deal best thing I ever did because I've now had three more deals since then to do dvds afterwards it was the best thing ever getting sued by those people but at the time i had that much money minus 10 grand in my bank account and was like and i felt like i was the richest guy in the world i had like a hundred thousand pounds in my bank i felt like i'm sitting pretty and then i'm gonna move to america and then i was fucking broke, man. They took it all, the bastards.

Well, it sounds like they were right. You had a deal. Oh, no. Unfortunately. Fundamentally, they were right. Yeah. But they could have made a lot more money out of me if they just let me out to do this one special.

Yeah, but they wouldn't trust you to do that because if you went and did that, see, they're not making any money off that HBO thing. No. The only way to get. But they would have gotten Alcoholic Ops fully functional in what I'm about to record. Yeah. But they would have never.

How do they know even you would stay alive? They give you this HBO special. You get hit by a meteor. You know. All I know is there was one of the executives that were working for Paramount who agreed with me and one of them who didn't. And those two executives were fighting. I think one of the execs

actually left because of it? yeah went to a different I went to work with Sony or something because he was like I can't fucking this was so stupid

this seems like this should be a way to work it out I was the first British based comic in I can't even think of another one

but let's say in a very long time to get a major break in America to get an HBO special or a showtime special in america they're like like i'm sure billy conley's probably done one yeah eddie isard's always produced his own type of stuff but i was the first british guy to british bass guy to have that sort of thing and there was no way i wasn't going to fucking do it of course so i just opted out of

my contract and got sued i don't you know I'm not angry about it to this day. I feel like it worked out better for me. But at the time, it was like someone punched me in the guts when you give over all that money. You're like, oh, gross. Still, though, you getting rid of all your stuff, you're still a successful comic. Oh, no, no, no, no.

I was still being paid for the HBOs. I had money coming in. No, it wasn't super difficult. Yeah, but I'm saying this is a lot harder for a guy who's making keys. Yeah, yeah, key guy. If you really stop and think about a guy who has a real low-paying job, the idea of saving money and the idea of figuring out...

It doesn't exist, saving money. I was reading about this general. You heard this case about this general. He got sued for sexual harassment or for sexual misconduct. Adultery apparently is illegal in the armed forces that's how they got petraeus petraeus got kicked out because of adultery right which is pretty fucking unbelievable when you think about you're allowed to kill people but you're not allowed to fuck someone other than your wife like they'll kick you out of the army for that like okay whatever it seems a little preachy but yeah but they talked about how much

this guy how much he was making. And you find out how much a general makes. They were talking about it was $4,000 a month. Or $5,000 a month for four months. They took his money away. He didn't get paid for four months while this trial was going on. I always find it amazing when you find out how much the president earns. Yeah.

Like a quarter of a million a year. Yeah, it's not. Well, I think it's a little more than that now. I think it's like a half a mil for the president. I know that they earn less than the stagehands at Carnegie Hall. Whoa, are you serious? I do Carnegie Hall. The stagehands at Carnegie Hall are union-based,

and you can pass the job on to your children. And two-thirds of the stagehands at Carnegie Hall, it's like a fact that they always give him pub quizzes, earn more than the president. Whoa. In 2001, the president earned $400,000. Yeah. Along with $50,000 annual expense account, $100,000 non-taxable travel account.

Now, how much is it today in 2014? Today, it's still $400,000. That's weird. Plus iPad, plus monster beats. A travel account. You always get an upgrade on Delta. The total salary is $550, plus monster beats. A travel account. You always get an upgrade on Delta. The total salary is $550 per year with an entertainment stipend. He has a $20,000 entertainment stipend.

That means he gets to have Jay-Z come over and sing him a song. Isn't that the one he likes? I don't think that's what it is. I think it means for his entertainment, money he spends things on. $20,000 a year, which I guess over the course of 365 days, 50... Well, it's probably dinner and stuff like that too. Yeah, hot dogs. I thought he didn't pay for anything.

I thought he just had a corporate card where he could buy anything and it was on us. Well, he has an expense account. There's an annual expense account, but it doesn't say how much it is uh but it says that in 1969 nixon made two hundred thousand dollars which is over a million today in today's dollars expenses no per year that's what his uh his salary was nixon might have given himself a raise of that kind yeah he was a crook i heard yeah said he wasn't oh he was definitely a crook he's a raise of that kind. Yeah, he was a crook, I heard. Yeah. Said he wasn't. Oh, he was definitely a crook. He was a piece of shit.

But everybody was a piece of shit back then. He was just one of the first guys to get caught. You know, there was a whole series of pieces of shits. What is this? This is an interview that Jimmy Carter did saying that he doesn't use email to talk or anything like that because he thinks the NSA is spying on him, so he only uses postal mail. Wow. Well, now that he told them that, they're going to intercept his post and read it, print

it, reseal it. Of course they're spying on him. What is he, retarded? Of course they're spying on him. Who slips these chips, you old cunt? Of course they're spying on him. He's an ex-president, right? Of course they are.

He doesn't even know how to use a computer, let's be honest. He probably knows how to use a computer. He's a pretty smart guy. Wasn't he a peanut farmer? Yeah. Peanut. Yeah. At a certain point in time, I think kind of everybody who's paying attention knows how to use a computer. He's a pretty smart guy. Wasn't he a peanut farmer? Yeah, peanut. At a certain point in time, I think everybody who's paying attention knows how to use a computer in this day and age. I'm the worst at it, but I can still email.

Then you're better than Dom Herrera. You and Dom Herrera should get together and decide who's the worst because I say Dom fucking beats you hands down. Oh, I can use can use netflix and email and i can look at things and update my web pages and stuff that's all i can do but i was the worst for years and years and years and then i always used to look at like kids with computers and think look at these fucking pretentious cunt parents giving their kid an ipad when i didn't have an ipad you know what i mean and now i just gave my son who's 16 months i gave i got i got a new ipad when i didn't have an ipad you know what i mean and now i just gave my son who's 16

months i gave i got i got a new ipad and i gave him my old one they love them they love them but also it's like you have to the world is now computers so the sooner he gets his hand on a computer and he's fiddling with a computer the better well it's also there's connections that are made there's a bunch of games that kids can play on ipads that are actually good for your brain yeah they're making connections they figure out how to do puzzles they figured out how to count things there's like a series of educational games the kids fucking love my three-year-old steals my phone every time i leave it down she'll open it and start going she knows how to open my phone she's fucking three she swipes it and enters in

the code she knows what my code is goes right to the app she wants and starts playing these games and a lot of them are fucking really they're really good for your little brain well my son's favorite game is a cat that repeats what he says well there's fun ones too my three-year-old likes to do one where she gives uh mani pedis to dogs yeah there's a lot of dressing things up like like this one the the like like my son just looks out and goes and the thing goes back at him and he thinks he laughs this is it's it's weird as a comedian and someone who has been terrible at sports their entire life i i see a lot of people with dads when they're like, look, he just threw the ball.

He just threw the ball. I literally, with my son, go, he knows that's funny. Right? Like, I was proud in the same way that a sporty dad who sees his son kick a goal. I was proud. I saw my son. He lifted up one ass cheek. He farted.

And then he laughed. And I was like, he's developing. He knows what's good. He knows the good bits. My three-year-old runs over, parts her butt cheeks, and farts in my face. In my face. Raw, naked ass, right out of the tub, runs over, bends over in front of me, and farts in my face, and then fucking cries laughing.

She thinks it's the funniest shit of all time. It is. It's pretty funny. How did you get mad? No, I think it's hilarious. How could you get mad? It's so cute. I did something with my son that I think may be illegal. You know when you do something, you're like,

oh, I might have committed a crime. What did you do? Well, I'm in the shower, as I do every morning, and he always comes up when he hears me in the shower, because he wakes up about an hour and a half before I do, because he wakes up early and his mom takes care of him in the shower as I do every morning and he always comes up when he hears me in the shower because he wakes up about an hour and a half before I do because he wakes up early and his mum takes care of him

in the morning and I'm having a shower and he comes up when he hears that I'm awake and he starts bashing on the glass door and what I do is because I'm a

you know adorable guy I always like paint a little like in the condensation I draw a little tie on him or I give him a voice bubble and then say

I love dad or something like i do this little game and he laughs and i anyway so i step out and i go good morning hank and he slapped my cock and he ran off why is that illegal well you're a child touching your cock right now i know i know like i didn't ask him to touch my cock, but also, is it illegal because I laughed and then told you? You know what I mean? My kids point at my dick and laugh. Yeah. A three-year-old's like, look at your penis.

She thinks it's hilarious and runs off. They're right, though. Penises are humorous. Sure. Vaginas are humorous, too. Both of them. My son now is at the stage where loves holding his cock just holding it and he sort of pinches it at the end because it's only

he's got i don't know i haven't got i haven't got a lot of baby cocks to reference it against i think my son has a small cock but it's i think it grows all right i think he has a nice erection but i don't i think he has a very erection. But I think he has a very... He has erections at 16 months? They have erections from day one. Wow. Like sometimes you wake him up in the morning, you'll take his nappy off because he's got a shit in there

and it'll be a shit-covered erection. Uh-oh, that's a weird connection. And a good name for a band. It's probably already taken. It's probably a website. But it's... It is... Yeah, he gets probably a website But it's It's It is Yeah he gets like a little tiny woody

And I always think What is going on in his head Where he is wanted or needed an erection What was the dream that he had last night I know the dreams that I'm having When I wake up with an erection What are the ones that are Like is that

You know that cat Saying suggestive things off the iPad What is It's probably just blood in his dick It's probably just blood in his dick What are the ones that are hit? Like, is that, you know, that cat saying suggestive things off the iPad? What is... It's probably just blood in his dick. It's probably just blood in his dick or it's longing for something that he, you know, I don't know. You ever get boners when you're driving for no apparent reason? You're not even horny? I have, yes, I have.

Those are weird. Those are like blood pools up in your dick boners. Sometimes you go to have sex and you got to fucking work it a bit to get it going. And then like other times, you ever done that one where you masturbate in the car while you're driving? Because you've been stuck in traffic. And then I was all right with it in Britain, but too many people in this town drive SUVs. I drive a Challenger. I'm lower down.

I get seen by a lot of people. You got to get tinted windows. Or I could just stop wanking in my car. Or just get one of those things that women use when they breastfeed in public and just jerk off under that. Yeah, get a quilt. I found out the best thing to do is to plug my phone into the iPod connection and then play porn on it because then I'll get with subwoofer

and everything surround sound porn in my car. That's a good move. So do you, like, hold it with one hand and steer with, like, the last three fingers? I normally have to be in traffic, so I'm not doing that much steering. How often are you beating off in your car? Since I've lived in L.A. the last five years. Yeah. I know of three times this has happened.

It's not like I'm not going to do it, like, right now. It's not like a hobby. This is like I've just been somewhere. Some girl's got me going. I'm in a bit of a frenzy. Or I've just had a fight with my girlfriend. I'm in a bit of a bad mood. I need to cheer myself up.

I only beat off once in my car ever. And it was when I was driving limos. I was driving home from a gig. I had to drop some lady off in New Hampshire, drive way the fuck up to New Hampshire. It was a long ride back, like an hour and a half back. I got bored, so I beat off. And I remember the fucking massive feeling of disappointment in myself that I jerked off because I'm jerking off underneath my shirt. As soon as I came, I was like, God damn it.

This is going to be a thing I do all the time now. And I never did it again. I was shocked. Good for you. Good for the restraint. But it never came up. I And I never did it again. I was shocked. Good for you. Good for the restraint. But it never came up. I never wanted to do it again. But I'm shocked

because I figured I'm such a fucking idiot. Once I do something embarrassing like that, I'm like, well, this is something I do now. This is not going to be,

I'm not going to like... I remember once having sex with a girl and she was just yelling at fuck me, daddy. Fuck me. Right? And I kind of went,

hey, what are you calling me like this for? And then I slightly enjoyed her saying it. And I went, don't, I don't need that to be a thing. Yeah. Don't make that a thing for me because then I'm fucked up and I got to ask other people to do it. And then we're in a real fucking predicament. When I was in Boston, I used to bang this really crazy portuguese chick

she used to call her pussy a cunt it was the first girl i'd ever ever heard say that she's like fuck that cunt fuck that she was like angry about it i was like i hope i don't start liking this yeah that's gonna be hard to get someone else to agree to a lot of gals yeah it's hard when you've got a thing and you've got to ask your girl to do that thing i i for a while there i loved choking girls while i was fucking them for a while i'm not as choky as i used to be but i used to be i used to be i used to be very fucking hand around the neck pin you down while i was fucking you right and some girls and because i was dating a girl who got off and doing that right and that was that's what got me into it was this is how i made this and then you meet the girls who don't want you to do that but then i met one girl

who i was choking her and then you know i'm not choking the whole time right and then i've stopped and she's sort of thought oh this is what we're doing is it she starts choking me and i'm like don't do that that feels horrible i don't know how bad it feels for you women, but it really hurts my male neck. The choking thing, it's weird. It's just like one of those other things where some people love it and some people hate it, and you never fucking know until it comes up. You could date a girl and have no idea she likes to be choked. The first girl that I ever dated that liked to be choked was so girly.

She wasn't loud she always wore dresses she was she wasn't like boisterous or you know provocative or slutty she's a regular girl and she fucking loved it she asked me to choke her and i was i was like what do you mean choke you like how do you mean choke you she goes just grab my neck why are you fucking me i'm like okay hard you want me to hurt you like what's going on here like and then if you thought about doing it to another girl they would freak out like it's weird what like one person what's their big turn on and another person all right it's uh sometimes bad when you when you bring the choke into a girl who doesn't

want it it's always bad you're like ah I was with a girl that had an iron deficiency and every time she would want me to choke her, the next day she would just have these horrible bruises around her neck and she just would have to wear turtlenecks and stuff. It looked like if I ever got in trouble, oh, I'm fucked. I just got diagnosed as an

anemic. Really? Yeah, which isn't pleasant. Do you eat a lot of red meat? I do, yeah. Do you eat a lot of red meat? I do, yeah. Do you ever take iron supplements? I'm going to start on iron supplements. I've never taken them before. I think I got diagnosed like three days ago. I'm actually going to the doctor again in 30 minutes for the second

check on this. You know, you still smoke cigarettes. That probably has a factor in it too. Yeah, no doubt. Yeah, cigarettes I think that's one of the things. What is anemic? It's low hemoglobin in your blood. They did a blood test. It's the hemoglobin.

Globin? Gleben? Yeah, hemoglobin. Hemoglobin. Oxygen. Yeah, I'm not hugely anemic. Yeah, there's a link. I'm a little bit, yeah, a little bit anemic.

There's a PubMed study on it, the effects of cigarette smoking on hemoglobin levels and anemia screening. Yeah, I... It seems to cause a generalized upward shift of the hemoglobin distribution curve, which reduces the utility of the hemoglobin level to detect anemia. So your body doesn't detect anemia so it doesn't compensate as much also i'm uh i'm i'm a super pale guy uh and that's when you see super pale people there's often they're they're anemic i think i'm anemic yeah you go it's probably

fucking cigarettes man no but it's not just that it It's just I was just born. Like, I'm pale from a pale family. We're just pale. It's like one of the things I hate about being pale is it seems like one of the few things in society about a way a human being looks. That people in society can just pass fucking judgment. Yeah. And, like, not act like they're being cunts. Yeah, they can make fun of you. Yeah.

If you see someone with a big nose And you go Fuck you got a big nose People go Whoa He's up with ya But you go I'll have I'll have people who are actors

On my fucking show Who I'm employing Who want to be in more fucking episodes Go fuck your pile man Fuck you Do you get offended by that for real? No I don't Or are you just finding a reason to say fuck you? I don't No I do get offended by that for real i no i just find a reason to say i don't no i do get offended by in the sense that it doesn't bother me personally that i'm pale

right it bothers me when people bring it up i don't mind looking pale i even dislike i did a photo shoot once for some headshots and the lady fucking put bronzer all over me that whole photo shoot's ruined because i look too brown and it doesn't suit me you can't let them fuck with you with the makeup and tanning what is that tanning yeah that's what you yeah yeah I I took a selfie in a tanning booth I did the gayest selfie ever look it's not the gayest you don't have a cock in your mouth or your ass no it's in my hand I tried to uh I tried my whole life to sunbake and to tan and to get darker all through high school when it did affect me, when I did not like the way I looked or wasn't at ease with the way I looked. Oh, I see.

So there's a residual thing when someone's making fun of you, saying you're pale. It used to be a thing. They used to call me Casper at school and stuff like that. You can't do that about black people. No. God damn, you're dark. You have to know a guy really well to pull that off. I have a theory that the whole world wants to be like a coffee color, right?

Because all those white people are trying to, like, get darker. And then the really black people now, it's very common to them bleach their skin. They bleach it down a bit. They don't want to be super black. Is it really? Yeah, there was a thing. I was watching it on something I'd show. This lady kept on bleaching her kids because she didn't want them to be super super black they want to all be beyonce brown beyonce brown i think is the term that's a that's

a type of paint that you get down at home deeper i want some beyonce brown um so they want to be beyonce sort of that whitney houston sort of color and white people want to be darker and we all want to meet in this one sort of middle range. Mexican. Yeah, there's a nutritional supplement that allows people to bleach their skin. It's something that's been really popular in the Philippines. Fuck is this stuff called? There's an actual nutritional supplement that people take,

and they inject it apparently and it's a it's getting popular in the philippines for some strange reason well you even look like the movie stars are always sort of like a more milky black and then when you have like a girl who is that girl out of africa i think she's out of africa she's british or something out of 12 years a slave i didn't see that um she got nominated for the oscar and all that stuff oh it's great, yeah. And she was amazing in it. But now they were talking about how liberating or how good it was to see an actual black woman portrayed like...

She had Afro-y type of hair, shaved down. She wasn't trying to look like a white chick or something. You know what I mean? Right. The fashion people were going that's we really like this now

I think we're only maybe see if I was black I don't understand women who do the hair if I was black I would be afro all day I would be like

Jackson 5 it's hot I know I was whenever you see a chick with that hairdo it's always like fucking look at that foxy chick

it's always a big turn turn on for me I love a chick with an afro it was big in the 70s girls just down that foxy brown had it right yeah when you see like the chick is like i'm a member of the black panthers and they got the big fucking afro you're like fucking take me down beat the white man choke me glutathione is it that's i couldn't remember it Glutathione They take Injections of this shit Or they rub it on their skin I don't know what the fuck

They're doing But Maybe both But glutathione Apparently Makes your skin Lighten That's it

That's how you want it Look at that afro there But the problem is That's on her asshole too Yeah She'd have a big hairy muff The whole thing Between the legs

The whole thing between the legs. Hairy cunt is the worst thing in the world. Didn't used to be. Didn't used to be a problem at all. Remember? Yeah, but there was a girl I fucked in Ireland who was one of the best looking girls I ever fucking laid eyes on and she was at a gig. And I was like single and young in my 20s

and I made like, I'm going to get that girl, right? And I was gigging in Ireland for three days. And I romanced this girl from the moment I met her. I took her out to lunch the next day and then dinner and the thing and took her to another show. Invited her friends. I worked her. Right? And it's very hard to fuck an Irish chick.

And this chick was about 19. It's hard to fuck an Irish chick? Yeah. They've all gone to Catholic schools. They all have this cloud of sex is evil over them. They didn't have Playboy until the mid 1990s right it's a pretty repressed old sexual society island anyway so i fucking got this girl she's a little bit like she wasn't up for it but i convinced her and said i'm gonna come over to lond London and hang out with me. And I was like, this is like my girlfriend now.

And then, what was this, like 2004? And like a fucking full-length wild bush. And I had grown up in this era of not really seeing it. I was just, I almost couldn't, I did fuck it, but I almost couldn't. It was so horrific. I still have flashbacks of it. Right as I'm saying it I can see it It was menacing

Here's the total complete opposite When I was in high school I was dating this girl Dating like You know we would date We'd go on and off And you know Didn't you know

In the on and off She was banging this other guy Who told her to shave her pussy Yeah So She came over to my house And we were about to get in She's like I can't

I can't take my pants off. And I go, why? She goes, you're going to think I'm a whore. And I go, why? Why am I going to think you're a whore? Like, she goes, because, whatever the guy's name is, he talked to me and he shaved my pussy. And I'm so embarrassed. I'm like, I don't give a fuck.

Like, what do I care? You know? You saw her and freaked out? Well, I didn't care. No, not at all. All right. You saw her and freaked out? Well, I didn't care. No, not at all.

But she was scared that I was going to see her with a shaved pussy. The complete opposite. It's the only way to go. This is like 1980, whatever the hell it was. I find it weird when there's always women that you know have a hairy bush when they're having a conversation with you. Why would men want to have sex with a shaved pussy like it must be like having sex with like a child and you're like that is the weakest argument you could fucking then why then then you should only kiss men with beards if you kiss a man who shaved his face what are you kissing a young boy on the street you fucking pedophile

go out with a fucking muslim cunt with a beard Where you happiest Right It's actually Did you know that Pederast Is someone who actually Has sex with children On a raft

Pedophile Pederast Right Pederaft That's a good spot For a pedophile Yeah yeah Pedophile

Someone who's attracted Pederast Is someone who has sex with them Oh But not attracted Yeah they just do it because it's fun and i that's a very good analogy though the beard analogy and the bush analogy some people just don't want to do anything that they don't want to do anything that like a

society standard like a woman doesn't want to have to agree like why should i shave my pussy why should i have to like you're someone that are like that like what because it's in porn is that what it is because that's what it is it's it's porn is one it might be it might be because it's in porn but it's also because once a man's used one of those shaven ones it's a lot more enjoyable than the coarseness of the i remember fucking hairy pussies and having my cock all beaten up afterwards. Yes. Like it's been fucking ripped through a Brillo pad. The last one I had, which is way back in the 90s.

The last girl with a crazy wild bush. It's like my dick got all rubbed raw. It was horrible. It was like fucking a Brillo pad. It shouldn't be a fucking... Like, Darwin... I'm sure he could explain it, why we have hairy nuts and balls and all that stuff, but pubic hair should die out.

They reckon crabs is dying out because of the shaven pussy, that it's on the decline because it can't be passed so easily. But, you know, it's on the rise in hipster beards. Crabs, that's where they live now. They just jump from one Pabst Blue Ribbon can to the next. Is this true? No. That would be cool though. Jesus Christ. I hate how

hipsters now call themselves nerds. They do? Yeah, it's like even like, okay, so I'm doing, I got nothing I'm doing the Nerdist podcast sooner. I like those guys. Chris Hardwick's a nice bloke. He's a nice guy. Not a nerd! No, he's a handsome guy with a very good structure. Handsome guy with like a model girlfriend.

No, no, no, no. Being interested in Star Wars does not make you a fucking nerd. Having hobbies isn't what a nerd is. Yeah, with your symmetrical face. Yeah. You know what a nerd is? A nerd is a person who can't hold down a conversation and can't look a woman in the eye that's a fucking nerd man yeah yeah

you're just uh napoleon dynamite napoleon dynamite isn't it even the guys off off uh the big bang theory they're real nerds but there's now this like girls going girls wearing t-shirts going i heart nerds really really a guy with a fucking a fucking club foot and flaky skin around his face. Is this who you heart? Is it? Guy with food stuck in his braces. Yeah, yeah. Perpetually.

Yeah, who is a little bit autistic and that's why he's good at school, but not at everything else. Yeah, you like that. Yeah, that's what you like. How dare you? No, you like wearing a fucking backpack that looks like Elmo. That's what you like how dare you no you you like uh you like wearing a fucking backpack that looks like uh elmo that's what you enjoy darling you're like hello kitty stickers on your iphone yeah yeah you like nerds yeah i and then like you'll see like a girl that'll be like

i'm a nerd and she's wearing perfect pig tails and glasses and giant fake tits yeah and i'm like you're a fucking a fuck machine that's what you are you, you're a fucking, a fuck machine. That's what you are. You're a cum depository. That's hardly a nerd. I remember not wanting to fuck nerds because they were nerds. Why all of a sudden has the nerd culture become so fuckable? Well, I think people are just always trying to be a part of a fucking group, whether it's be hipsters, be nerds, be whatever. I was a loner in school.

I didn't have many friends, but I wouldn't classify myself as a nerd. How come you didn't have many friends but i wouldn't classify myself as a nerd how can you have friends i had problems making friends and the main problem i have now um that i i when i look back on it okay it wasn't good at sport um bit of a dick as well as no way yeah yeah a little bit probably probably talked a little bit too much when i should have shut up you May have been irritating. But I think my main problem was because I found it very easy to make friends after school. Once I got out of school, I found it very easy to make friends. In university, I made friends very easily.

My mother was a schoolteacher at my school. Oh, fucking Christ. Not just any schoolteacher, the 300-pound schoolteacher that yelled at everybody that walked around with a cane. Oh, so you got it at school and at home. Yeah. Oh my God. School must've been fucking torture. School was not a fun time for me. Oh my God. But I remember when I went to university, like actually enjoying this whole, wow, we're all this fucking, yeah. And like girls liking me and shit. I'm like, ah, this is what it's like when your mother isn't within five feet of you all the time oh yeah that's a big difference though that's a terrible situation you got your mother who's telling your older brother to kick your fucking ass and then you get to school and

she's the one who yells at everybody and then all your friends know that your mom is the cunty teacher that yells at everybody yeah so none of your friends i had a couple of friends at school but they never wanted to come over to the house. You know what I mean? Of course not. It was a very hard sell. Why don't you come over to my house? Nah, let's not. Let's just go to the woods.

Let's go hang out with the wallabies. Let's go hang out in the bush. Do you have a foot fetish? Do I have a foot fetish? Yeah. No. I was just wondering if you had any mom type sexual. Mom's not a foot fetish yeah no I just wonder if you had any like mom type sexual mom's not a foot a lot of foot fetish people have mom really yeah cuz they're there yeah cuz as a young kid you always see your mom you see your

mom's feet yeah but I I disliked some weird... She's all right now. I find I get a lot more... I like my mother more now that I've had a child because she has proven herself to be a good grandmother. But she was fucking hard work, man. I used to say to her, I said, why did you make me go to the same school that you were teaching at? It was the most nearby school. And she goes, well, I was there first. I'm like, are you make me go to the same school that you were teaching at? It was the most nearby school.

And she goes, well, I was there first. I'm like, are you competing with your fucking kids? Go teach at the school over the road. There was an all-girls school just down the street. I don't care if you teach at a school within half a mile of where I am. Well, I was there first. Yeah, I was there first. But she just liked to keep an eye on us constantly.

Very dominating childhood. look how you turned out you flung the other way yeah that's how it works yeah i mean what we're talking about about you having a hard time shutting up in school and being a bit of a dick all those things are perfect for being a comedian yeah the comedian a bit of a dick and talks a little too much that's the guy who's gonna say the funny shit first yeah right i i you know what's weird now is i go back to sydney and all the guys i went to school with who i they probably didn't think they were bullying me but who i felt bullied by for whatever reason um they all come as a group to my shows and they're like come and meet me backstage and they say how happy they are i don't

hold no grudge they're good guys you know what i mean but they weren't my mates at school i don't remember them i think kids bully at school for the same reason survival yeah well they it's it's it's a natural instinct and they get shitty parenting i think that's a lot of where it comes from yeah they get bullied at home it becomes a natural part of how you behave you get bullied by your brothers you get bullied by your dad you get bullied by your uncles and then the first opportunity you get to shit on somebody, you do. It's a lot of it is kids that grow up associating other people with competition and abuse. And, you know, they just associate it in a negative way. It was, uh, the bit I found hardest about the whole thing was, fuck the guys.

I just wanted chicks to like me. Well, that's why you got into comedy, right? Yeah, well, I got into comedy, but also, I actually did pretty good with girls in high school. I look back on it now, photos of me, 16, 17, I was a good-looking kid. I didn't think it at the time, but I look back on it like I wasn't bad-looking at that age.

I did good in high school, but then after high school, I went through a fucking terrible drought that didn't go away until I became a comic. Oh, no, I did. My best years were high school and university. Really? But I was getting attracted.

There was never a girl at my school. It was always, I had to go see other schools, find out where their parties were happening to get laid. Oh, so girls that knew you, it was a problem. Yeah, yeah. out where their parties were happening to get laid oh so girls that knew you it was a problem yeah yeah yeah yeah if you'd spent if you'd spent more than 10 minutes with me you weren't fucking with me but if i could if i could meet you at a party where the music was too loud that i couldn't bore you with conversation there was a good chance that i have sex with you i didn't get laid at all in college and the reason being is i took a year off after high school and then went to umass boston

which was like a commuting high school it was not a high school where you or not a college rather commuting college wasn't a college where you uh would go and stay there you would you would live somewhere else you know and then you would go and take your classes there so everybody was like working and i was a loser you know i didn't have anything going on i was i was a martial arts champion but i was i was poor and i was teaching martial arts and i was trying loser. I didn't have anything going on. I was a martial arts champion, but I was poor and I was teaching martial arts and I was trying. The only reason why

I was going to school at all was so that people didn't think I was an idiot. I studied musical theater. Did you? Yeah. So you got to bang actresses. It was the best.

It was... They only took 20 kids a year into the course. 3,000 people auditioned. Whoa. It was like a very prestigious thing. It was the same course that Hugh Jackman did. Oh.

And there was an acting people. I couldn't act good enough, so I could sing a bit. So I got in the musical theater thing. You sing? I could back in the day. Do you sing now? No. Do you think about putting out a soundtrack to Legit?

I'll tell you something about me you might not know. There's a little fact about me. I sang twice in the Australian Opera in the chorus. Really? As an employed opera singer, yeah. Wow. Like what kind of, give us a little taste. I've had vocal nodules.

I've had surgery on my voice. I can't, it's over. I'm not making up though. I sang in Charles Gounod's Romeo and't. It's over. I'm not making up though. I sang in Charles Gounod's Romeo and Juliet and Wagner's The Flying Dutchman as chorus. What are vocal nodules? Polyps on your vocal

cords. Basically calluses from smoking, coke, yelling. It's mostly from yelling from them bashing together. They get calluses so you can't actually get your vocal cords close enough together to make high sounds because there's always a gap in them

from these little things. So it makes you a man. It's like noodles. It makes you a fucking man is what it is. Yeah, well, I guess. Is that a chorus? That's where John Wayne's

voice came from. Exactly. It's like these gristled comedians who have yelled on stage all the time because they're just covered like this.

You know what else is bad with it? Ron White. Bobby Slayton is polyped up, I'm telling you. That guy's vocal cords are just nodule on nodule, I'm telling you. He might have had vocal surgery. I might be wrong.

But I've heard of comedians that have had that before. It's more than one. Well, I had this before I was a comedian to try to save the singing career. So you had surgery on the polyps? Yeah. So they shaved down the calluses? Yeah, couldn't talk for two months.

Oh, my God, two months. Yeah, just writing on a fucking pad. Oh, fuck. And that was when I thought, this job, I'm going to get these back because I party too much. And then I thought, I've got no other skills. I've got no other skills in the fucking world. And I decided, I always wanted to be a comedian, but it was a job that my parents would never let me do.

They wouldn't let you do? They said it wasn't. My parents were happy with the musical theater because they saw my mother could brag and act like it was a bit more la-di-da than the whole thing. But I decided I was going to be a comedian in that two months where I couldn't talk. Wow.

And it was like a secret that I had to myself. That's fucking awesome. And I was checking out where the open mics were and how I was meant to do this. I started watching a lot of stand-up videos. And that's what I did, you know, living by myself, not talking for a couple of months. That's fucking awesome. And what was I talking about before with the, Oh,

the great thing about the course though. So 10 boys, 10, 10 girls. Uh, uh, and there was two, uh,

two years above us. So there's three years. So there was, there was like 90 people in the whole sort of department. Half, uh, 80% of the men were gay, in the course let's study musical theater so we had eight gay guys and two heterosexuals all the women were fucking hot as fuck

we're like like been dancing since i were a kid and just singing and fucking they they were just and that we were all like 20 it was the best thing ever i didn't it is the reasonable looking fucking heterosexual guy because it was fantastic now one of the the main girls in the course was a girl called uh chantelle barry and chantelle was going was the one that we were all like, she's going to be a star. She was stunning. You can look her up on the net. She was fucking stunning.

She could sing better than everyone else. She had everything, this girl, right? And then they brought out the first version of like Pop Idol or American Idol or whatever. It was done in Australia first. It was called Making the Band or whatever. Really? The show was actually originated in New Zealand, but then in Australia.

They made this girl band called Bardo where all the people came in and auditioned to be in this girl band. And the girl that was at university, she went to this audition for this TV show. She got in the band, but they played it over weeks and weeks and weeks. They had cameras in the house.

It was the first big reality show ever where we were watching these people just living in a house and people couldn't fathom whether there's no actors this is real it was like a very there she is there yeah anyway so uh i used to stand behind her stretching and dance class every and just fucking just all i wanted was to have sex with this young lady never happened right so anyway so she gets in this band and she steals the story goes she steals i don't know 10 or 20 dollars out of one of the other girls who were in the band's uh bag and she gets caught because there's fucking cameras everywhere so she's got this big opportunity everyone else who was in this band has gone on to

big things like sophie monk who's the model out here who dated ryan secrets for a while she was one of the other girls in the band and now does big modeling and is in movies and shit right so chantelle gets kicked out of the fucking band right over right so she moves over she's bad press in australia they're all really slagging her off and all that type of stuff. She was sort of our friend and she moved over to LA. And I remember like looking at her MySpace page like, wow, she's made it in LA. She was backup singing for Lionel Richie or something, right? Like, oh, everything worked out for her, right? Cut to first season of Legit.

We need a girl in a scene that is just hot girl number two, right? She comes into the audition. I went out chantelle barry she didn't recognize me or remember me at all and i said oh where's your accent from and then i started saying the suburb she was from from about this and you have two older sisters yeah you look like someone who has two older sisters because i used to party at a house so this girl i go you got a butterfly tattoo just above your ass just off and she goes yeah and i went we went to university together all right and then she went oh did we find and then i went all right give her the part right because i'm a good guy the part had like one line and then she came on set and i think in that moment this is how much of an asshole i must be she remembered who i was from school when she came on set she came on set she was like because jim jeffrey my real last name

is nugent i use my middle name as a stage name because of ted no i just did jim jeffrey sounded better than jim nugent i jim jeffrey you know what i mean it was just it was a little tiny thing to alliteration. I wasn't going by my original name, so she had no reason to. Then I reminded her, I said, we used to come over and your mom used to make this type of food. I think she was so pissed off that I made it and she didn't, that I had my own TV show,

that she went up to the producer and went, I've got food poisoning. I need to go home and just walked off the set. What? Didn't even do the job. Maybe she just got a little squirt. Maybe she had to leave. Hold on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Really? Yeah. Wow. Didn't take the gig, man. So what makes you think that it's because of that? I just think it's, I just think people get fucking jealous, man. We all get jealous. I think she just was like fuck this cunt because i was the guy at university that you thought wouldn't make it all the other

gay guys had abs and all type of stuff and i was like a bit of a doughy fucking marshmallow looking cunt who could sing a little bit who couldn't dance at all and was acting was pretty average they always kicked out like five people a year from the course like you're not good enough i left after i got the nodules and i knew i was gonna get kicked out anyway that was already right on the cards i walked before i i jumped before i was pushed that competitive thing of show business is one of the weirdest aspects of it yeah you know sometimes even in relationships i had a friend who got something and his girlfriend started crying well he got some part in some TV show and his girlfriend started crying because she was like, when is something going to happen for me?

Like that was her immediate reaction. Yeah. And I remember thinking, wow. Got to get rid of that bird. Here's something that's about to happen to you. Homeless. Yeah. That's very unattractive.

That competitive thing. Yeah. You can't help it. a little bit with comedy it's very hard to never have it with any other startup comic there's always going to be one where you go that guy but i i i found out now and i think it's easier because i got a bit of success but i i don't give a shit what any i just worry about me i don't give a fuck if someone's got a movie or something i don't give a fuck i just worry about me i don't give a fuck if someone's got a movie or so i don't give a fuck i just worry about me and then you know the good guys you know the bad guys and that's it but when in the early days it was more i got more jealous at how's that going at that club i've been

trying to get into that club forever that's just the frustration of not having made it yet and then once you have and you got some success it goes away and then you can actually enjoy it. But I think there's successful people who still fucking don't want any other cut. Fuck, yeah, there are. Well, there's a lot of successful people also that only work with terrible comedians so that they shine. Have you ever seen a really good guy who brings the fucking worst guys ever on the road to open for him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tortures the audience for a half an hour with the worst fucking shit stand-up ever just so they can come in and clean up the show and look like a hero yeah and that's really what it is they don't want anybody to shine

that's a very weird uh common yeah it's common but it's yeah i i always the saying i like is uh uh chase the dream not the competition it's a good saying you know i mean because if you're worried about the competition you'll always feel it's like people who get angry at fucking aziz ansari like oh that fucking you know what i mean who gets angry at that guy there's plenty of comics who don't think he deserves whatever what does that mean though what does deserve who deserves anything this is my thing well whether you like him or not you're not a a little tiny Indian bloke who's a little bit hip-hop. So at least the guy's unique. He's not stepping on your fucking toes.

I've never met another cunt like him in the comedy community. It's that zero-sum thing that people have, this idea that there's a finite amount of gigs, there's a finite amount of audience members. And if Jim Jefferies becomes big, that takes away from me. I've had people accuse me of being like a foreigner coming over taking American jobs. That's hilarious. Who did that? I've had a few of them.

A comic? Yeah, yeah. Who? Name names. I'm not going to name names. Name names. They're not people you'd know anyway. Who cares?

Name them so we don't ever know them. It's all right. Fuck. There was a radio station in Tampa that got into me about that. Oh, my God. That's all right. Fuck. There was a radio station in Tampa that got into me about that. Oh, my God. That's so stupid. Said that I'd come over and fucking America had made me famous and blah, blah. I said, look, I give back to America, man.

I said, my show employs over 100 people. And I've written it. I produce it. This is a recent thing that's happened? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I said, my TV show employs over 100 different people in different jobs, right? And then he went, well, if you didn't do it, then an American would do it. And you're like, it doesn't matter, mate.

I did it. That's not true. I did it. It doesn't matter. That's not true. That idea is not true. The idea that if you didn't make that show, someone else would make that show. There'd be another show on its place or something.

I don't know. Who the fuck knows what it would be? It might not employ as many people. It might not be a drama. It might be a reality show that employs very few people and works non-union. You know, that attitude is so stupid. Right. It's also the whole immigrant thing that you get.

I got it in the UK as well. Is, well, we're all fucking immigrants. Exactly. The United States is 100% immigrants. Yeah. 100%. Immigrants are the children of immigrants yeah that's how this was made unless you're Native American and they say 80% of all

businesses in America now either from immigrants or the sons and daughters first-generation immigrants even if you're a Native American that means you came over on the Bering Strait your great-great-great-great-grandfather walked here from fucking Asia. Is that what happened? That's very fascinating. Native American, I mean, unless you're talking about Native Americans that have their DNA combined, like Mexicans is a lot of Native Americans that had sex with Spaniards. Like way, way, way, way back in the day.

But when they do the DNA chart of Native Americans, one of the things they found when they were researching, there was a guy who was a Mormon, a hardcore Mormon. He's a really rich guy, and he wanted to prove that Joseph Smith was correct and everything that he said in the Bible was true and that the Native Americans were the lost tribe of Israel. So he mapped out the genome of the Native Americans. It turns out they're from Siberia. So they came down. They walked when it was a solid landmass. They've got sort of, yeah, Siberia.

Is that near Mongolia? No. Well, Siberia is Russia. Yeah, I know. It's in Russia. It's sort of near it in the fact that the Mongols actually invaded, they invaded Russia. I'm not good with geography. I've traveled the fucking world and I don't know anything.

Well, it's all in the same, I mean, you wouldn't want to walk there. But, I mean, it's all in the same landmass. It's all snow. It's all suck. Yeah. Siberia sucks. Shoveling their fucking driveways. But they're happy as shit.

We're in their tennis... Well, they reckon the happiest place on Earth is Denmark or something. And it's like highest tax bracket. And you know why? It's because the most content people... Maybe not the happiest, but the most content people on Earth are in denmark because it gets fucking dark at three and there's you don't even dream about being a famous movie star or a musician there's no entertainment business that comes out of it you have to keep your dreams at a nice low level in denmark

so you never get crushed by the world the The world never, you never have a girlfriend going, when's it going to happen for me? All you have is people sitting around Denmark going, oh, well, you know, on Saturday we're going to have a drink, aren't we? So I'll see, I'll see Hans. That'll be fun. That's as much as your dreams get to. Saturday, having a beer with your buddy. You know, you never get ahead of yourself.

There's a Werner Herzogog documentary on siberia called happy people life in the taiga it's about all these people that live up there virtually no mental illness a lot of fucking really content happy people all they do is fish and trap and hunt that's all they do that's all they do they trade like skins and meat and fish for you know fucking chainsaw blades. Because that's the thing is when you go fishing, there's very few people that can fuck you over in your day. That's true.

You go work in an office, you're getting fucked over by people who are smiling at you. Well, you're also dealing with unbelievably unnatural behavior. Sitting in a box, the same box every day, eight hours a day plus, and commuting, and all day you're sitting and you're fucking, there's no physical movement at all. There's nothing explosive going on with your body. No use of your senses, no fight or flight. But it's also that it's like the bullying thing that you see. You see these people who were,

when you first walk into CIA, were assistants. And they sat in that front thing. And they'd always have a jar of M&Ms. And they'd be like, hey, Jim, great to see you. Oh, here's some M&Ms. Here's some water. Like the happiest person in the world. I'm going to head in the world. Oh.

And then they have that cunt that sat behind them that used to just call them a piece of shit because they got their coffee order wrong. Right? And then they'd go home and cry even though they smiled to you because it was part of their job. You order wrong. Right? And then they'd go home and cry even though they smiled to you because it was part of their job. And then the second that they get to move into that back little room and they get a person up there, they're fucking telling that person they're a cunt.

They can't get coffee to save their life. Do you remember that movie? The Circle of Life Never Ends. The Kevin Spacey movie? Ah, which one? The Kevin Spacey movie where he's like the worst fucking employee ever or the employer ever. He's like an agent and he hires some guy and they wind up kidnapping him. What was that movie?

Kevin Sp- Fucking shit, I can't remember that movie. Kevin Spacey. Agent movie. Yeah, he's a fucking complete nightmare. I gotta get going. I gotta get to the doctors, guys.

Oh. Is that a problem? No. There's never problems, man. We've done two and a half hours. There's a fucking... I just want to tell people what this fucking movie is,

goddammit. Horrible Bosses. That's not the movie. That's another movie that he made that was based around the original first movie. Find it.

Find it, Jamie. find it before you're better that's your assignment finding Nemo wasn't there a movie called kangaroo jack or something yeah yeah there was definitely that kangaroo jack to my girlfriend at the moment can't leave the house because we live just what is it Jamie said swimming with sharks that's exactly what it is yeah it's fucking great that's a that's a great movie where you see what kind of a terrible environment that agent environment is it's the worst man oh it's the one where he swear i've seen the speech out of it there's a torches this young kid that works for him i used to have a girl that i dated that worked for an agent she'd wake up in the middle of the night freaking out

like that she forgot to do something in the middle and he night freaking out, like that she forgot to do something. In the middle of the night, he was brutal. He was just... That's like... Every occupation must have that, where you wake up in the middle of the night going, I forgot to... Shit. Yeah, but it's a 24-hour job. What about the bloke who puts bolts on engines for GM?

Well, obviously, there's inspectors that handle that along with it. Yeah, but it just takes a couple of people that have a bad day simultaneously. Yeah. This girl, though, this gig of being an assistant to an agent was literally all day. Like, he would call her up in the middle of the night. I need eggs. I don't have any eggs. Go get me some eggs.

Bring them to my house. Like, he would have to, she would have laundry she'd have to pick up. Like, it was all day, every day. She made shit money, barely could survive. And it was all day on call. If you're watching this live, don't go to Laurel Canyon right now. Why's that? My girlfriend has to...

I live in Mount Olympus. My girlfriend has to walk up the fucking hill and park the car down the bottom end of the road, which is like a mile up the hill. Something's going on? There's a cop being shot in Laurel Canyon, and the guy has barricaded himself in his house. It was a domestic thing, and there

is a standoff happening. Oh, I heard about that this morning. That's still going on? Well, she just texted me, don't drive down this way, because she's walking up the hill. Fuck. Alright, folks. Watch Jim Jeffery's show, Legit. It's on FXX. Two X's.

We're one X away from a sex parody. What happened there? Why did it go from FX to FXX? Well, they've got a new channel, and they had to move somewhere. So us, Sonny, in Philadelphia, in the league, all moved over. Ali G's back. Ali G's on After Our Show. That's beautiful.

How is it? I heard that Ali G won a lot of his old stuff, too, that aired in England. It's all the stuff that aired in England that never aired over here. That's beautiful. How is it? I heard the Ali G one is a lot of his old stuff too that aired in England. It's all the stuff that aired in England that never aired over here. That's the whole show? With different intros

and stuff like that. Oh, beautiful. It's repackaged to that one, but that's on After Me. Don't worry about that. Don't worry about that. Worry about Legit. What time is Legit?

When should they watch it? Legit's at 10 unless you have DirecTV, which means it goes forward to 7 because you get the West Coast feed

but yeah it's 10 o'clock East Coast it's 10 o'clock East Coast do you enjoy working for FXX? love it all good?

yeah yeah beautiful beautiful beautiful alright legit watch it you don't have a podcast anymore

stop doing that no I do not have a podcast at the present moment I'm on the I'm on tour at the moment if you're watching I'm doing this Saturday I will be at a club nokia in la and i'm somewhere in san francisco

this friday you don't even know i think they're both sold out but just check anyway oh check your fucks i tried to get a hilarious fucking stand-up comic anyway yeah i'm on tour there i'm about people listen to this in australia very popular popular in Australia. I will be touring the entire month of April across Australia, all major cities for the whole month. Glorious, glorious, ladies and gentlemen. Jim Jefferies. Thanks, brother. That was a lot of fun.

Thanks for having me, man. Thanks to our sponsor. Go to squarespace.com and use the code word Joe. That's it, right? Is that what it is? Squarespace, yeah. Wait a minute. Is that it? Yeah? Squarespace, yeah. Wait a minute. Is that it?

Yeah. Squarespace.com, code word Joe. Yeah, use the code word Joe. Save yourself 10%. And thanks also to Onnit.com. Use the code word Rogan. Save 10% off any and all supplements. We will be back, ladies and gentlemen.

We've got a lot of podcasts this week. Much love. week much love