The Joe Rogan Experience - #474 - Hannibal Buress

Episode Date: March 25, 2014

Hannibal Buress is a stand-up comedian, actor and television writer currently living in New York City. His latest special "Live from Chicago"airs March 29th on Comedy Central.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! Ladies and gentlemen, what the fuck? Hannibal Buress is here, ladies and gentlemen. What's up? I like meeting a dude who I only know you by your comedy. I actually bought your comedy.

I listened to it on the way home from Irvine and laughed my ass off. And then meeting you and just within minutes, we're on the air yeah i like that that's the best way to do it that's the best way to do it yeah thanks for having me hey thanks for doing it man i'm excited uh that you have products and stuff that's good to branch out dude well it's all shit that i'm interested in yeah just try to get in i i try to keep myself interested i think right i i feel different when I get excited about something. Yeah. Like a new exercise or a new hobby I'm trying or anything. I get excited when I'm in a new...

So I try to spread that. Yeah. As much as I can. Because I try to think... I want to get into other aspects of business. And that's cool that you've done stuff that you're interested in. Because I like comedy. I talk about this in my, I like comedy, but I understand that it's fleeting.

So if everything in comedy went away for you, you got supplements and shit. Yeah, but I don't think comedy's fleeting. I think it's one of the least fleeting things ever. It's fleeting, but I'm just saying. It needs maintenance. It needs maintenance, but the thing is in the business. I'm talking about where stuff might be going well, but then you're not working as much anymore. I got a theory about that, man.

What's that? I think that shit's in the past. Really? Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen anymore. I think guys would go away because they wouldn't get gigs anymore. They wouldn't get television shows. They wouldn't get all these things. But now everybody promotes themselves.

Everybody has a Twitter account. Everybody has a website. Everybody, when you get fans now, they know where they can find you. It used to be, if you weren't on television, hey, where did he go? Where's this guy? Where'd he go? He vanished. You can't just go to his Facebook page and read a blog that he wrote today that's fucking hilarious.

You can't go and watch a YouTube clip that he made when he was fucking around in his backyard with his dog. That's hilarious. All that shit is new. Oh. You know? I don't- I'm totally 100% confident. That's confident.

I don't think you're going anywhere, Hannibal Buress, but the top, son. Thank you. You're talented. And then you've inspired me to get my tiny bottles of lotion for hotels business going. Because that's what I'm passionate about. I'm passionate about tiny bottles of lotion. And that seems like a stable business. People use it.

I want to get in that. Yeah, people do use it. Someone's got to be selling them that shit. Yeah. That's a good point. I want to get into that. And you can maybe have some better smelling stuff. Better smelling stuff and maybe some jokes on the lotion.

That's a good idea. Snapple style with lotion on. That's a good idea. Not too funny, though. You don't want to do jerking off with your lotion and cracking up. No, yeah, not that type of stuff. Lose your rhythm. Yeah, you don't want to use it.

In the middle of it, start laughing. You don't want to lose your stroke. Yeah, when a dude loses his stroke, when you go limp while jerking off, man, those are tough times. Like getting up again while you're jerking off. Well, that's just struggles. That's a lot of work. But that's just if you're focused. If you're really about making it to your goal, then you just power through. That's really what it is. It seems frivolous, but it's really just an exercise in achieving your goals. Yeah.

Fall down nine times. Get up nine times. Why do they say? They say get up ten. They say get up ten. What the fuck are you talking about? Because they're idiots. Because people who fall down a lot get brain damage.

If you fall down a lot, you hurt your head. You can't just fall down nine times. You're going to get fucked up, man. Little kids fall down and it hurts themselves. Well, you're a grown man. You're going to fall down nine times. You're not going to break something. Why are you falling so much?

What's up with your balance? Are you getting tackled or are you just straight up falling? Do you got a bum knee, son? I don't know. Do you got an ankle weak? Do you got a weak foot? Yeah, people got to get it together. Fall down nine times, get up ten.

What are you saying? Yeah. How does that even work? It doesn't. I don't know. I guess get up in the morning. You count that one. They count it getting up in the morning.

That's what they're counting. Well, you can't count that because you get to count lying down in bed then, too. That's falling down. Yeah. You gave up, bitch. You went to sleep. Yeah, man. So basically what I'm saying is fuck that old Dwayne Wade commercial.

That's why I came here, Joe Brogan. Thank you. I'm glad you're here, man. To promote Nature Box and say fuck that stupid commercial. Yeah, congrats to Nature Box. That's congrats to them. Because this is a pretty new company, right? Yeah, I think so.

I honestly don't know too much about them other than their stuff tastes good but yeah i mean i know it's cheesy and you know old you know philosophical quote shit but this was an idea and it's now it's good and it's here yeah yeah i like when anybody comes up with anything that's a good idea yeah it's interesting it's interesting to see new companies sprout out because the internet too like there's businesses now you could have never had it like today if you ever want an excuse to start your own business today's the fuck it like here's this company vehement knives they make they make homemade knives they sent me they made me a knife yeah beautiful handcrafted knife like they sent me a video of how they made it right that's like it's beautiful handcrafted artisanship you know i mean

i didn't really need a knife, but it's cool as fuck that somebody would do that, and it's cool as fuck that these guys who are listening to the podcast, they're podcast listeners, they came up with an idea for a company, and they started doing it, and now that's their job. That's their business. They don't have to work for anybody.

That's awesome. Making your own shit. Making knives or whatever. Making old record players. Who knows the fuck you want to make? What are you going to do with that knife? That knife? It's going to sit around my house and look cool.

Sit around the house, yeah. It's like a trophy wife you never fucked, you know, one of those. Just sit around, look sporty. I'll take it somewhere maybe. I'll take it hunting. If things go horribly wrong, I might need it. You get attacked by something Out in the wild You gotta defend yourself

Yeah I have plans I have strategies in my head Like what I would do If a mountain lion Jumped me And was fucking me up I have like an idea in my head

Of how I'd fight it With a knife Really? Like As far as where'd you hit it at Where'd you hit it with the knife first Would you get it in the face In the gut

You gotta give the animal Something to bite onto That's very important You gotta put something In front of the animal something to bite onto. That's very important. You got to put something in front of the animal so that it bites that before it bites you. So it bites the first thing it can get instinctively. That's when you stab it in the neck.

That's what I'm saying. That's a great strategy. I think that's the only strategy. You got to be willing to sacrifice one of your arms though. Your arm's going to get mauled to shit. It's going to be useless. Because I'm pretty logical, but at times I'm irrational and delusional, so I think that I could

knock out a mountain lion with a two-hit combo. A two-hit combo? Like a mountain lion, I hit him with the right, hit him with the left, and I'm stepping back. Dude, you got mad confidence

in your punching power. I don't know if you can knock out even a house cat. You ever try to knock out a house cat? A house cat can take a fucking tremendous punch. Really?

It's very rare they go out. How do you know that? Well, I never punched a cat, but I did watch a cat jump from a tree. You got stuck in a tree. I mean, this fucking cat must have fallen like 30 feet,

hit the ground, bam, and started running. I mean, it was unbelievable. I thought the cat was dead for sure. I was watching the cat fall. It just started running? Yeah, that is pretty... It hit the ground. It's a video. It's a video of it on YouTube. I mean, it was unbelievable. I thought the cat was dead for sure. I was watching the cat fall. It just started running. Yeah, that is pretty. It hit the ground.

It's a video. It's a video of it on YouTube. I saw it online. The cat hits the ground and fucking takes off at a full clip. Wow. Doesn't go, whoa, hold up. What the fuck just happened? Cat fell 30 feet, which is approximately like, what would that be for a person?

I don't know. Six foot tall person falling 30 feet. That'd be crazy. That's terrible compared to a cat. Cat is four inches high. six foot tall person falling 30 feet. That's terrible compared to a cat. Cat is four inches high. Yeah. Fell that far

and it was fine. That's crazy because I can't even walk right away if I have like a huge fart. I still kind of got to, I can't, I got to,

it's a little bit, yeah. You get shaky. You get shaky, your body gets taken over. So good for that cat for just being. Well, I think they have really flexible bones, don't they?

Cats, like, they're built different than us. Yeah. They can definitely take impacts. We can't. My point is, I don't think the left-right's going to work. I don't think it would. You might have to get the thigh clenched to go with the knees. Yeah.

I don't know those techniques. Yeah, here's the cat. Watch this fucking cat. This cat falls out of this fucking tree, man. You're like, that cat's dead, right? Okay, first of all, I said 30 feet. That shit's way higher than 30 feet. I said 80 feet.

Look at that. Boom, and then see ya, and the cat runs off. Wow. 80 feet. The cat fell 80 feet. Okay, that's just a different thing. They're just way different than us. Look at that. That cat's fine. No, that cat is broken up okay that's just a different thing they're just way different than us look at that cat's fine no that cat is broken up but it's a shock you might be right you might

be right i mean look at that shit though man oof did it fall on his it's like it fell on its back yeah that's a shitty cat cat is broken up that's a shitty cat i thought cats always fell on their fucking legs that cat had human like self-consciousness where, you know how we fuck. I'm cool. I'm cool. That's what that cat was doing. That cat is not fine. I think you're probably right.

Did you notice it hit the branches on the way down? I bet it got knocked the fuck out. I bet that's what happened. I bet it got dazed. It probably cracked one of those branches, and then maybe that's what helped it survive. Maybe getting KO'd by the branch. Like, watch this. Whap!

Oh, man. Did it hit a branch? Yeah, it did. Yeah. I wonder what part hit the branch. And then it ran under the car? Yeah, it bolted. Okay, that's good.

Bang. Yeah, yeah. See it? Bam! Yeah, it definitely hit that tree. At least it looks like in that perspective. Poor cat. Anyway, he's good. Yeah, yeah. See it? Bam! Yeah, it definitely hit that tree. At least it looks like in that perspective. Poor cat. Anyway, he's fine.

A mountain lion's like that, but bigger. In fact, they say that house cats and mountain lions are very similar in their amount of power, like what they can generate, a pound of body weight, which is pretty fucking crazy. When you think that a mountain lion is out there running around, a 50-pound mountain lion would fucking kill you easy then. Yeah, that would be a bummer way to die. Do you go in the woods and hunt and stuff like that? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah, I've been doing that recently. But when you go in the woods hunting, you're armed. Yeah. You're not worried nearly as much as if you're hiking. You go in California? Where do you go? No.

Well, I've been pig hunting in California. I went wild pig hunting. Did once. going california where you go no i have well i've been pig hunting in california i went wild pig hunting did once but i've been uh wisconsin and montana are the two places and montana's been the only place i camped out outside and do you have a hunting crew or the other comics or you got well with brian callen yeah yeah i went with him twice we didn't go pig hunting together i went out with another guy i went with this there There's a guy named Steve Rinella And he's got this TV show called Meat Eater He's a hunter

He took us hunting and I got hooked on it Really? Dude, it's fascinating shit Do you eat the stuff you hunt? Yeah, I'm trying to only eat that That's what I'm trying to do It's fresh and unprocessed? Yeah, I mean it's 100% organic

Except for the lead Yeah, you don't have to keep showing that pig. That's the pig I murdered. That's a photo of the pig. Murdered it. You can't say murder because it's not a person. You're supposed to say harvest. Harvest?

Harvest makes it sound better. That's what they like. Really? Killing an animal. But you kill an animal every time you eat a ham sandwich. You harvest tomatoes. Yeah, well, they think of it as crops. Not as crops, but know something you're you're

getting out of the earth you're harvesting an animal from the earth bringing it home and eating it i'm trying to only eat that at home you know i just think there's a lot of bad karma attached to factory farming yeah i just think i like meat i don't want to give up the idea of eating meat but the i when you watch those pita videos and people could say all they want about that's you know a fraction of those you know of those animals get treated like that most animals get treated ethically and humanely yeah i do i have a friend who has a farm and he raises uh grass-fed beef he raises his beef for slaughter they have a full pasture they graze in and they you know they're out there eating grass, no hormones, no antibiotics,

no nothing. Those cats are, they're scared as fuck. Like, if you go anywhere near those cows, those cows freak out. You know why?

Because they know we're killers and we're going to eat them eventually and they're trapped in this cage. Like, the idea that it's

way better, it is better. It's definitely better. Most of the time it's better. But it's still a freak out. They're still trapped.

Well, that's the lot in life they took. They were given that lot in life. That's a sucky lot in life. It is. So you just don't... Because hunting is just doing the same thing, but on a more base level, just on a smaller level. In a way, yeah.

You're just doing it. I mean, you're cutting out the middleman and you're cutting out. You're cutting out the middleman and the animal's living completely wild. There's like a concept behind hunting that certain types of people do. It's called fair chase. Yeah. And what that means is that you're not dealing with a fenced-in environment, that you're only hunting an animal that's truly wild,

a wild animal that can go wherever it wants so in order to harvest this animal you have to figure out how to get close enough to it you got to stalk it you gotta you know you gotta understand where the wind's blowing like there's a lot of factors involved and when you take that animal most likely that animal would not have even known you existed until it died like Like, out of nowhere, it just dies. Right. And it's the most ethical way. But that animal's still scared as fuck if it sees a person. Yeah. The reason being is there's people like me that'll shoot it. Right.

No, I see that, whereas not being, you know, just chilling out, waiting to, and it hasn't just seen its friends be slaughtered and hung up. Yeah, it's not trapped. Yeah. You know, it's a wild animal. You're going out and getting a wild animal but it's also a wild animal that's most of the time they're aware of people and then they

don't want to be anywhere near us yeah the real tripper is when you can go and you can see a wild animal that probably never saw a fucking human being like go up to the yukon or some shit yeah and then they freak out or they they don't even know what the fuck you are like caribou caribou just look at you like what the fuck is this sometimes antelopes will come towards people because they don't know what the fuck they are yeah they're like what the fuck are you i never seen one of you before and then oh yeah point blank yeah well not that close they don't get that close but they will look at you but sometimes antelopes have encountered people and sometimes

caribou have encountered people. And once they've encountered people, they get way touchier. Yeah. Do you have a catchphrase when you hunt? When you hit one? I need one. Booyah! Booyah, is that it?

Blam, blam, we eating ham. That's awesome. You need a catchphrase. That's awesome You need a catchphrase That's the perfect one for pig hunting That is the perfect one I'm actually I'm in the process of brining a ham right now That I'm gonna smoke

I bought a smoker Brining means Soaking it in It's soaked in salt and brown sugar Okay And it's been soaking in this brine for like five days. Wow. And I'm going to smoke it tomorrow.

Yeah. That's awesome, man. It's a new thing I'm into. That's great, dude. It's fun. I eat almost exclusively delivery, so we live opposite lives. Totally opposite lives. Well, I love delivery.

Don't get me wrong. Delivery is like One of the greatest things ever That you can sit in your house And someone can bring you Delicious food Yeah But yeah

We're at the opposite spectrums Of eating Where I am Not only as a middle man But there's somebody There's a lot of other steps Where somebody's bringing it to me To your house

To my house You're not even going to the restaurant I'm using an app to do it I'm using Seamless Web To do it And that's going to the restaurant. The restaurant's getting the food from somewhere. Then they're making the food

and bringing it to me, and you're actually going and shooting pigs in the face. You don't want to shoot them in the face. I know that. Well, you do, but you don't want to miss them. If you could just shoot them in the head,

that'd be ideal. Yeah. The face is the head. Yeah, you're right. What you mean, side of the head? No, you really want to go for the heart, that would be ideal. Yeah. The face is the head. Yeah, you're right. What, you mean side of the head? No, you really want to go for the heart, the lungs. You go for the body. That's how you usually stop them.

Because you can miss the head and graze their nose, blow their face off. That happens sometimes. Yeah. Like deer get their face blown off. Someone tries for a head shot and they miss. Yeah. And then the animal's still running around with half a face. Well, I was just trying to be funny.

Me too. I just failed. My part failed. Do you think you could ever do it? You ever thought about going hunting? I think I could. I don't know. I'm not a patient person.

I'm very, I need stuff to happen right away. So, yeah, I don't know. I actually, only time I've ever, it was in Mississippi when I was a kid. My aunt stayed in the country in Mississippi. I sold in Mississippi. It was a small town. It was very country. So, there were wild hogs around there.

And I had a shotgun and I was able to shoot one shot off at a pig and I missed. So, that was my only experience with hunting. I fished once and caught a fish, and that was pretty cool. But, yeah, maybe I could do it. It would be a different experience just to be in that type of life and just knowing that, you know, it's people that do that a lot, just seeing that type of the world. Like, for my pilot

for Comedy Central I worked on a goat farm actually whoa when they milk the goats they you know they they sell goat milk and everything there and they got the Billy goats and then it was it was real it was really different just being in that in that in that environment where these people, this is what they do for a living and they just live off goats. They milk goats, they got goat cheese, they got goat lip balm and this crazy thing. So that was real cool. So I am interested in that world.

I don't know if I could, I could probably visit it. Rob Markman, Jr.: You're urbanized? Yeah, I'm urbanized to the core, I don't know if I could probably visit it. You're urbanized? Yeah, I'm urbanized to the core, I think. Maybe we'll get older. I would try some different stuff and do it for an extended amount of time. But right now, I'm pretty comfortable. Yeah, no, look, cities are definitely an awesome invention.

What a great idea to cut all that nonsense out. But the thing I found about it is that nonsense nonsense or the hunting and fishing to their fun yeah they're fun on some weird visceral level it's funny yeah you probably yeah it feels it probably feels good to go through that where you kill the animal you do the eating and you you make it yeah just you did it all it has to feel yeah real fulfilling and you know that's I mean that's what we used to do as humans. Do you think you'd be interested in going hunting on a TV show? Would you be interested in doing it?

Probably. Yeah, I'd go hunting on a TV show. I think that's a great idea for a show. I think that's the next show. I mean, like Steve Rinella, this guy from the host of Media and I, I've been trying to think of a show. I think the show is taking comedians hunting. I think that's...

Look, that's something that... It's a very controversial thing, too. Really? I mean, I don't find it... I think if you're a meat eater, you can't really find it. If you're a meat eater. Controversial. What you're talking about for vegetarians? Vegetarians have an issue with it, but really, dummies. It's very

controversial with dummies. Dummies love to knee-jerk on that. Like, oh, you want to shoot an animal? Is that what you want to do? You want to kill animals? You're a badass. If you're really a badass, why don't you use a knife? They'll say something.

Why don't you use your bare hands? Yeah, because you'd fucking lose. Oh, bitch, what team are you on? People are interested in that. You know what's funny? Not a vegetarian debate, my my girlfriend is is vegetarian but uh and kosher but eats fish huh but and i try to say that's not true vegetarian at all is eat salmon and then only certain types of fish though only wild only wild fish? Only kosher fish. Only kosher fish.

Oh, she's crazy. You got to get away from her. No, she's good. That's voodoo. Kosher is voodoo. Do you know what that is? It's voodoo. I try to say, like, that's old rules.

It's so dumb. Why don't they update it? Well, you know, they use that in certain slaughterhouses. They have to have a rabbi come, and they have to use a knife. Like, in the slaughterhouse, we filmed Fear Factor in a slaughterhouse. And that was the first time in my life that I recognized very clearly that places contain memories. They contain something, some feeling of some shit that went down there. Yeah.

Because the moment I walked into that slaughterhouse like the moment like as you get closer to it when you park your car you get out of your car start walking towards the door you feel heavy yeah you feel it you could feel it you feel weird shit in that place you're walking around it might be psychological but it might also be that place is still buzzing with a million fucking slaughtered cows freakouts because it feels like it it feels like a spot where if you came around that spot if you were like in the old school game of thrones days and you came over a hill and you might stop why does this place feel fucking shitty what is going what's what happened here well joe that feeling also could have been man i'm about to make

strangers eat bugs there was no eating bugs. It was a simple task. They had to dunk their head in vats of blood and pull out cow hearts with their teeth. But you felt the vibe of that place? I'm probably full of shit. I know I was high as fuck. So I might have just been tricking myself into thinking. People get mad sometimes at what I say. You know, you fucking, that doesn't make any sense. any sense shit doesn't even make sense to me all right relax yeah people get upset

about uh opinions it's easy to you have to kind of people is you got to take yourself out of yourself sometimes remember like oh yeah that's just a person saying stuff like you also got to be able to poke holes in your own theories you have to to. Like right there, I'm telling you I felt this weird, crazy thing, but the reality is I was highly lit up on marijuana. I mean, I was lit up. You used to shoot that show high? I would do every episode high as fuck. So high sometimes that I forget how to talk right.

I could never. It was the only way I could do it and enjoy it. It was so preposterous. After like eight or nine episodes, I was like, wow, this is the most real. And I was like, god is the most real and I was like god damn it this show is gonna it's gonna stay on TV you know one hand I definitely wanted to stay on TV so you know it was great great job a lot of nice people I worked with the money was great NBC was great but on the other hand I'm like oh my god how can I keep

this doing this yeah I don't know if I can keep doing this so it's like a beautiful job but a job but a job that i could do high right then it became fun once i could do it high that that's funny because i never smoked weed before tv appearances anything on tv but people think i'm high on tv all the time well if you got tested you would be high. I think what you're talking about is like intoxicated or affected. There's two different things. You know what I'm saying? No.

I'm always affected by weed. Always. Yeah. Like basically medicated by weed. But I'm not always high. Right. But I'm affected. You mean because you might have smoked a couple days ago or something like that?

Exactly. Even a day ago. Two days ago. I'm talking like when I, because there was a period where I really didn't even smoke weed for a few years. And even then, people would say, are you high on stage? Are you high right now? Well, you have a stoner style of comedy in a lot of ways. Well, I mean, it sounds like a negative, but it's a positive.

You're a thinking comedian. You're a really funny writer. You take really hilarious, absurd turns in your comedy. It's fun to listen to. So when you hear that, you go, oh, this guy's high as fuck. He's coming up with this shot. I guess I get annoyed because I'm like, if I was high, do you know how bad this would be? If I was high, I'd be like, what's up with all these lights?

Who's that? What are you looking at me for? Why is he staring at me? Why is that guy with the camera staring at me? Or you would get used to it. Yeah, probably get used to it. And it would be like everything else. I guess so. The first time I ever got high on stage, it was like skiing downhill when you don't know how to stop. Yeah. It worked. Yeah. I mean, I made it to the bottom. I didn't crash. It was like one of my best sets ever, but I didn't do it again for like 10 years. I was terrified. Yeah. I was terrified.

I just got high with some friends and never quite sobered up. And then I'm like, shit, I got to go do comedy. And I went on stage just accidentally high. Yeah. It was great, but I was terrified. I've done it slightly high recently, but I can't be- Blitzed. I can't be blazed. If I'm blazed,

if I'm too blazed, I just gotta leave. If it's a public place, a bunch of people, if I'm too blazed, I'm like, alright, see y'all later. I'm going home

to my safe place. There's definitely times when you can fuck up. You just get... I went... There was a professional jiu-jitsu tournament that I went to

that a friend of mine was competing in. And we went to watch him and support him. And after the jiu-jitsu tournament, we went backstage. And we were all on these pot edibles that this friend had given us. And they were pills. And my friend said, only take one. Don't take two. I listened to him. I took one. My friend Eddie took one. Don't take two. I listened to him.

I took one. My friend Eddie took two. Eddie Bravo took two. And I was talking to this dude. And I was just way too high to be talking to anybody. And the dude that I was talking to is just a straight killer. And he's a weird killer. He's a guy who had a reputation.

He got in a street fight and actually killed a guy with a triangle. And they had to revive the guy. held on to the triangle they got an altercation on the side of a highway he got out I think he his friend fought the guy first and then he fought the guy I don't know the whole story was one of those regular fight where the guy was a regular was one person was trying to square up like a regular person any the other person was like i fight for a living exactly i don't want to say the dude's name because he wound up actually going to jail for rape um he he raped some chick allegedly i mean i don't know what happened but he got arrested for all of now all your fans well i mean this i don't i don't

know what happened mma i do know that the guy, he actually had to skip town. He took off, and then they caught him because he was doing jiu-jitsu. He couldn't stop doing jiu-jitsu. He loved jiu-jitsu so much that he went to a gym, and he was strangling motherfuckers, and people couldn't believe how good he was. And there's a certain level where when you get to a brown belt level or a black belt level, if some guy can manhandle you, you're like, who is this guy? This is something crazy.

Have you competed before? Who are you? Why are you so good? This guy was just that good. He was just strangling all these people. So it arose a bunch of suspicion. So they checked out his name. And they're like, wow, that's that dude wanted for rape.

So I'm there, super high as fuck, before the rape charge, super high as fuck, talking to this guy. And I'm like, man, something is wrong with this motherfucker. I'm like picking up a vibration, a vibration in his soul. He's willing to go to dark places if you fuck with him. Yeah. Like, this is the wrong dude to fuck with. And then a couple months later, he's running from the police doing jujitsu as a nom de pleur. Damn.

That's crazy. I love it so much. I cannot do it. It's like once you get really good at it, it becomes like a video game. But imagine if you could play a video game in real life where you actually get to do all the killing and the other guys really don't even have a good shot at killing you yeah like yeah go ahead try try to choke me you know that's

how good this guy was this guy was so he was world class so he would just he couldn't resist he wanted to go there and just strangle a bunch of men you know i don't know what it was i mean somebody might have fucked with him when he was young and he never forgot it and he you know that's happens a lot of guys. They have like childhood abuse. Somebody kicks their ass when they're a kid. Right. And they just become this fucking savage because of that.

Yeah. They develop that defensive mechanism, you know? I enjoy fighting, but when I watch it, like if fighting comes on. You enjoy watching it. I enjoy watching it. Yeah. Yeah. I enjoy watching, fighting, MMA or boxing. But just because it's fascinating.

Like, yo, these dudes attack each other for a living. Like, that's all they do. Yeah. Like, it's crazy. It's a hard way to make a living. Like, watching dudes. Like, that's crazy. Like, this is my dream.

This is what I want to do. I want to fight people. And I'm willing to take the chance that I might get knocked out in front of thousands of people and millions watching at home. I don't often recommend people get high before sporting events, but if there's a sporting event, you should definitely get high at least once and be there live. It's a UFC. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

My friends do it all the time, you know, especially in places like California where it's legal. Yeah. They're not really interested in breaking any laws. Right. Colorado where it's legal. Washington State where it's legal. Yeah. They're not really interested in breaking any laws. Right. Colorado where it's legal. Washington State where it's legal. Washington State, last time we went up there, you could smell weed all throughout the place.

Really? We walked, oh, it's stunk of weed. In the state? Yeah, Vancouver too. You go up to Vancouver, there's a UFC in Vancouver, the whole place smells like weed. People just light up. They just keep it low and light up right in the stands.

Fuck it. Yeah, man. Just to, I mean, watching somebody get knocked out high would be crazy to me. Live? it low and light up right in the stands fuck it yeah man just i mean watching probably watching somebody get knocked out high would be crazy to me live yeah choked out lives crazy but it's also watching how goddamn good they are you know when you're super tuned in you know for people who don't get high the idea behind it is like well yeah if there's something you should get drunk and go do it's go get drunk and watch the super bowl duh you know that's a stupid thing to say but when i'm saying get high and watch mixed martial arts you don't have to watch ufc watch

some kickboxing when you watch like anything like high level athletics where two dudes have a lot at stake which is what it is yeah you're so tuned in to what they're doing you're so the whole thing is like electrifying right before i used to work for the ufc i never i never do the ufc high ever but before i used to work for the ufc i used to love to get barbecued and watch the fights. Yeah. It was awesome. The whole thing is such a wild experience, like primal experience, you know? Yeah.

And when you're baked, you just tune into it. Yeah, it's just a, man, I couldn't imagine getting just, well, I've seen some of the highlights of fights where it's just crazy. Like a guy is getting his ass whooped, and all of a sudden he's whooping out the ass, but getting destroyed. Not like the guy got a couple punches in, like this dude is bloody. He was just getting destroyed, like destroyed Like oh he's about to lose

And then all of a sudden He has this dude in a fucking Rear naked choke or something And the dude is tapping out Like how did that happen? How was he able to take 15 punches to the face? It happens all the time too

And then still win the fight There's certain dudes That can just take it That's one of the things That you learn When you watch MMA Yeah All that all

men are created equal bullshit yeah that's a dirty stinky lie that will fuck you over if you believe it all men are not created equal no not even a little bit there's some dudes that can do shit you can't do all right you can't move like anderson silva period right if you're some dude who thinks that all men are created equal and you get in there with Anderson Silva, that fucking guy moves like he's in another dimension. Yeah. Most guys can't handle that. Okay, but I understand that you exercise your body, your legs, back, arms, abs, chest.

You can work that. Mm-hmm. But how do you make your face strong? A lot of it's genetics. It's genetics. How can you just take punches in the face and not pass out? I can't. I mean, I've been hit in the face many times,

but I know I don't like it. No, I don't think anybody's like it. I don't like it. Maybe there's a few people that do like it, but I don't like it either. There's some dudes who get fired up by it, but there's some guys that take a shot way better. I don't have an extraordinary ability to take a shot, but I don't have a weak chin either.

Some guys, it's really weird. It could be past trauma. It could be that they've been hit in the head too many times, but some guys just can't take a shot at all. It's weird. They get hit half decent, and they get wobbly. Whereas like some dudes like Pacific Islanders, like Samoans, god damn those dudes are known for being able to take a shot. Like David Tua.

You ever see David Tua fight? No. He's a heavyweight boxer who fought. He had like crazy potential. He lost to Lennox Lewis when Lennox Lewis was on the top. But David Tua was crushing people. He knocked out John Ruiz. Pull up David Tua versus John Ruiz.

This was when they were both contenders before Ruiz won the title. And David Tua knocked him out in one round. David Tua was terrifying because he could hit like a train, and his head was like fire hydrant sized. Yeah. And he could just bang. He could just take him in the face. There he is.

Which is scary, right? Oh, my God. I remember this dude. And you see there, Olympic bronze medalist in 92. I mean, he was a serious, serious athlete. So it wasn't just that he could take a great punch. He was also an elite boxer. I mean, David Tua in his prime, he's one of the guys that gets looked past.

Like, on any given night, David Tua might have been able to beat everyone in the world. It's just putting together those nights over and over and over again. Look at this. Boom! Ruiz is hurt. Look at this motherfucker. Come on, son. How good was David Tua?

Terrifying. That's the most embarrassing when half of you is outside of the ring. That's worse than just something more demoralizing about that. And your wife is there and shit. Yeah, dude. He got fucked up. Your kids are crying. The world was denied David Tua versus Mike Tyson.

It's a denial. Like the world lost something because those two never fought. Oh, man. I mean, goddamn David Tua was good. Lennox fought Tyson, but Tyson was already, you know, look at this. He's out cold. But Tyson was already, you know, past his prime, and he had chemical problems then.

He was doing coke, apparently. So do you think when, like, say, like, David Tua was probably heavily favored for that fight, right? I don't know who was favored because John Ruiz is a stud, man. John Ruiz is, you know, he won the title. He beat some really high-level guys. Like, John Ruiz is a real good boxer. Okay. David Tua just caught him.

But I just mean, say a fight with Tua is against somebody Tua is highly favored, but this other guy has his team there, you know, that everybody's hyped.

Like, you gotta get him. But do you think there's people in that team like, man, he's about to get his ass whipped. Of course.

You gotta get rid of those people, man. There's people on your team that will say that to you, man. Don't fight that dude. You go, what the fuck, man? You can't say that shit. You do need to hear that, though. You know, you do need to hear that.

Yeah. I would want that. You need it. I mean, but it also is a job, too. Well, he probably going to whip my ass, but mortgages do. There's certain dudes, like here's a perfect example when vinnie pazienza fought roy jones jr someone should have pulled vinnie aside and went listen dude don't fight this guy yeah like this is not the guy for you not right now did he beat the

first round or something he was the only guy ever vinnie pazienza was to never score a single punch in a round ever Roy Jones hit him at will and he literally couldn't hit Roy Jones was when Roy Jones was in the matrix it was dancing in Roy Jones yeah Roy Jones went through like a series of years where everybody was like always got no he's got no competition you know it's too bad there's not another really good fighter it's not there's not a really good fighter it's just he's so fucking good that he makes everybody else look like they don't belong in there with him yeah guys who in any other era were bad motherfuckers right dude this is roy jones when he was he was the best ever in my opinion he was the most impressive fighter ever for a period of a few years.

Do you remember his rap song? Yeah. Y'all must have forgot. This is when he finished Pazienz at the end of the fight. God damn, he was good. Or is this the first round? This is the first round. This was when Roy Jones Jr. was literally perfect.

He had reflexes that no one could fuck with, completely unorthodox style, very rarely used a jab used leaping left hooks as much as he used a jab and was just so fucking fast man you just couldn't catch up with that rhythm his rhythm was so fast it was just it would fuck with guys because they'd get in there and you got a certain expectation of how long it's going to take for a guy hits you right so like if you're here and he's here, maybe something could come here. Maybe with Roy Jones, it was bang, bang, bang, bang. Yeah.

And you'd be like, oh, shit. I can't get away from those. I don't even know when those are coming. Yeah. I saw, I went to Mayweather Canelo. Oh, that was a masterful work. Yeah. Masterful. I never seen Mayweather Canelo. Oh, that was a masterful work. Yeah. Masterful.

I never seen Mayweather live. And I knew he was great, obviously, but when you see him live, you see how fast he is. Like, so much faster. And Canelo's only 21 or something, and Mayweather's 37. Yeah. And he was way faster than him and just dodged everything. He anticipated every move. It was crazy to see how fast and just skilled he was. You know what it also is? It's not just fast. He's every move. It was crazy to see how fast and just skilled he was.

You know what it also is? It's not just fast. He's really good. He's really good technically. And by that, what I mean is that for folks who just watch like a guy box, you're seeing a guy move around, you go, oh, well, this guy's trying to hit this guy and that guy's trying to avoid it. But there's a language going on just like when you're

speaking in a conversation just like when two people are speaking like if you and i were talking and we're having a good conversation it's because i'm recognizing what you're saying and you're recognizing what i'm saying and we're combining our thoughts together we're laughing and having some fun there's like a flow to it but you can have a conversation with some other person who just gets real aggressive with you and you don't want to talk because you're intimidated or you start stuttering in your words because you think this guy's going to bark at you or you're worried that you're saying something wrong because they're being very judgmental towards you. And so then the conversation takes on a completely different flow.

Yeah. Well, that's what fighting is. Right. Fighting is like that. It's like there's movements and there's movements that get you to react. And then there's recognizing your movements and your patterns and playing off of them. Interrupting those patterns. Just like when someone's argumentative and they interrupt you in mid-conversation to refute the first couple things you say.

And it throws you off. You can't keep... You keep... You try to finish your thought, but it's not the same thought as it was because the guy blocked you. That's like a guy gets hit, but he still tries to punch the guy

when the guy's out of range, knowing the guy's out of range, just to let him... It's really essentially the same thing. So what Mayweather is in his mastery is like a masterful physical conversationalist yeah he knows how to control the action yeah that's that's a weird thing it's like there's a voodoo to that yeah when a guy's at his best like a roy jones in his prime or a mayweather right now there's a voodoo

to the way they move right you think mayweather he'll he won't he won't get beat before he retires you think he i worry about him beating himself. I worry about him doing something crazy. You heard what happened with those guys that were working for him. Some jewelry went up missing. He had these guys, allegedly. Allegedly. They got the shit beat out of him.

But now it all seems to go away. No charges have been filed, which is the right way to handle it. Just, sorry. Apparently the guys weren't the people who stole the jewelry. But look, I'm hearing 18th hand stories. I don't know what the fuck really happened. Let's pretend nothing ever happened. It was a total misunderstanding.

What I worry is that something like that would happen, and then he would wind up going to jail again. I just think the guy, if you're a boxing fan, I think he's one of the best ever. I think he's like a, as far as like an athlete, I think Mayweather's like a national hero. I mean, not a national hero, like a national treasure. It's like you should really pay attention to this

because this is very rare that a guy is this much better than everybody around him. Nobody can touch him. He's standing in front of a murderous puncher in Canelo Alvarez, and Canelo's all frustrated and flustered. He just can't hit the dude. It's just funny. I always hear people say, Mayweather's arrogant.

Yeah, he's arrogant. He punches people in the face for a living, and he's never lost it. And he's not punching regular people. He's punching other people in the face that also punch people in the face for a living. Yes, he's arrogant. And he's done it over and over and over for millions of dollars, and that's all he does. You can't be not arrogant and be that good.

You can not display it. Yeah. You can do better at hiding it. But that's tough. But with him, the thing is about hiding it wouldn't be necessarily beneficial financially. Yeah, it's better to create that persona. People want to see him lose. I think 20-30% of the people

that buy a Mayweather ticket are trying to see him lose. I would say more. 50? It depends on who he's fighting. Yeah, well yeah, that's true. But I mean, no matter who he's fighting. There's a lot of Mexican flags in the stadium when I was there. That's true, but I think there's some people that pay to see him lose to anybody,

whether it's Canelo Alvarez, whether it's Filipinos, whether it's Manny Pacquiao. No matter what, yeah. Anybody. They just want to see this motherfucker lose. Ricky Hatton, here we go. They were so disappointed. The English people thought, this is the guy. He's going to fucking come over here and beat Floyd Mayweather.

Couldn't even touch that dude. Hasn't he had a downward spiral since then? Hadn't? Hadn't did, yeah. He got knocked out by Pacquiao really bad after Mayweather knocked him out. Mayweather knocked him out, but Mayweather, like, he hit him with a left hook. But he just outboxed him masterfully and then caught him on the chin and wobbled him and then finished him off.

But Manny Pacquiao slept him. Yeah. He caught him after that fight, wobbled him and then finished him off. But Manny Pacquiao slept him. He caught him after that fight, so it was two bad knockouts. And then he took a lot of time off and started hitting the white. Yeah, Ricky had a need to get in the supplements business. He needs to diversify. Well, he came back. He had a coke problem for a while, got crazy, did a lot of partying, got depressed,

and then got right back into it and got back in shape and had a fight. Lost the fight. But I think he decided after that he just couldn't perform at the same level anymore and he was going to retire. Yeah. But you've got to realize for him, if you're listening, Ricky, you can't expect your body to bounce completely back with one fight after you did coke for five years.

You know? I mean, I don't know what they told you coke does but uh you need to give yourself some recovery time yeah you know coke set in this i know people who did coke in the 70s they have like serious neuromuscular problems oh shit yeah people like a lot of old people that did a lot of coke like way back when they developed developed all sorts of weird nervous problems, weird issues with controlling their bodies. There's a direct connection that a lot of people have with what Richard Pryor went through when he was older with all the coke that he did when he was younger. Yeah, so don't do that much coke.

Coke in moderation, everybody Coke in light moderation If you have to If that, don't do it at all I also think it's a real problem With coke being illegal You don't know what the fuck you're getting You get coke mixed with some speed

Yeah Well, you know, the government can't go that far In legalized coke Do you not think so? What about decriminalizing it? Do you think that's possible? Well, you know, the government can't go that far and legalize coke. Do you not think so? What about decriminalizing it? Do you think that's possible? That still would make it, it still would be, I think it would still have the same problems, right?

But what, I mean, how much worse, I've never done coke. How much worse is coke than alcohol? When you see someone who's really fucked up, drunk, violent. I've seen people that are dudes who become totally rapey when they get drunk, just grabbing girls outside of clubs. Come here, bitch. I've seen people get crazy. Come on, girl. What the fuck? You're too good for me.

It's a tough comparison just because of how people take them. You know what I mean? You might have eight shots of liquor, but for the most part, some people definitely, that's on the extreme side, but you're not going to keep on just hitting coke. That is a problem, right?

Once you feed that monkey, you want to keep feeding it. Yeah. That's the difference, right? You can also get kind of crazy, apparently, when you've been doing coke all night. You don't know what the fuck you're doing. You i just have energy and you just feel smarter than you are well that's how you are when you're drunk too right you're drunk you're half retarded and you think you're fine yeah but you don't slur as much on coke right but you talk more talk more yeah that is one of the

most brutal things ever Yeah Talking to a drunk person When you're sober Or talking to a cokehead When you're sober Which would you rather? I would rather talk to

Probably to a cokehead Because they probably At least have some ideas And shit And even if they Even if the ideas Aren't that great I would

Be in my sober mind So I'd be able to tweak it to my advantage yeah yeah oh okay like counter and like actually kind of guide the conversation a little bit yeah you know mike young do you know mike young the comedian i know who that is i don't know yeah he had a great joke about uh cokeheads that they always want to start businesses with you. It's so true, man. People will come up to you with grand plans. Yeah.

Dude, I mean, I have ADD, but I don't have an Adderall prescription, but I get it sometimes. I get Adderall sometimes. And when I take an Adderall at the beginning of the day, man, I just crush life, dude. I book all my flights for the next month and a half just get shit done right I just get shit done I write I make lists I handle stuff in my apartment

and just handle stuff on Adderall I'm a legit ADD I think do you think that when someone says I'm a legit ADD I believe you and I'm not questioning you. Yeah.

But you're talking about the effects of a stimulant, though. Right. I mean, when people do stimulants, that's what happens. Yeah, but I think because I don't get to the point where I'm like, because some people take Adderall and they'll go, they'll be really hype. But for me, you wouldn't be able to tell that i'm right that i'm pumped up you know what i mean like but you have much more energy but i have much more energy and just focus and i just handle stuff whereas i normally you know i'll get on the internet and just i'll go you know on my

computer with plants and just end up dicking around on twitter or looking at i'll get caught up in a youtube wormhole you know what i mean right youtube. YouTube wormhole. I'm getting those. Oh, man. It's a waste. Have you ever tried modafinil? Do you know what that is? I don't know what that is. Is that your other supplement? No, no, no.

That's a pharmaceutical. Yeah? Yeah. It's a smart drug. There's Nuvigil and Provigil. Provigil was the original one, I think, and Nuvigil is the newer version. Anyway, I've only tried nuvigil but apparently the effects are very similar yeah it's this uh weird smart drug right and what it does is it

just gives you energy like when you're exhausted like say if you um like last night i got a decent amount of sleep i have six hours i have kids so six hours is pretty good right you know so i feel pretty good but if you get three hours and you're like fuck I got to do a bunch of shit today you can take one of these new vigils and it's not like coffee it's not like that weird when I when I'm like really tired but I drink coffee I get that buzzy but dull thing yeah like I'm kind of stupid but I'm moving around normal this is not like that this is like it alleviates the sleepiness right on It's all gone All gone

And now you have energy And it's amazing Yeah Yeah I need stuff like that Cause I got You know With stand up And working on shows

And press stuff A lot of energy Yeah I need Especially for press If I had to do morning press On the road Man Just to get

Just to get through those interviews And just to Be on point I had to have something Well, folks don't realize What are you fucking complaining about? You gotta be there like 6 in the morning And you work till like 10 o'clock at night

Most nights, even later It's just a thing Just to be on point I try not to complain about it Just because it's part of the job And I'd rather do it than work construction any day but sometimes mentally it's tough to do a morning interview but if i have so if i have you know take out a row before then i'm i'm snappy i got jokes i got anecdotes and then i can kind of i know sometimes now i've learned how to you got

to take an interview over sometimes or go on not go not go on a rant, but you have to not let them, you know, just because they can get into that, cutting off your jokes. And, hey, funny man, Hannibal Buress. And just cut you off with their weirdos. Right, right, right. So just learning how to do that and just having the energy and focus to be able to is real helpful. Yeah, the morning radio thing, if, like, they're good, it's great. It's real fun. It's real fun. It's real fun.

If they're good and pro and supportive and set you up. But then sometimes they just say, so what's funny in the world right now? Like, mother fuck you for asking me that. I did an interview the other day, and a guy asked me that exact question. What's making you laugh right now? Say, Hannibal, what are you talking about on stage? Oh, man. That's another one they do.

Yeah, somebody asked me that before a show I was doing in New York. What are you going to talk about? A fan just came up like, so what are we talking about today? Like, you now? You. You know, there's some dudes that would go, well, here's my new piece. It's all about how man is constricted by uh first his mom and then his wife and uh then ultimately his lawyer yeah yeah i mean i guess the thing is just i try to

remember that people aren't coming from a shitty place normally right they just don't know how to communicate to me in a way that won't make me feel cynical and hate them. You know what I mean? So I gotta keep that in mind. But in the moment, it's like, motherfucker, they just ask me what's funny in the world

right now? For someone who's not a comic, they wouldn't understand how awkward that would be. Like, what you like when you can go on a radio show and they just let you talk,

right? Just hang out. Let's just hang out and be funny. Let's hang out, talk about stuff. Yeah, it's great. Bounce back and forth

from each other. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a lot of them that can do that, though. That's the hang out and be fun. Let's just hang out and talk about stuff. Yeah, it's great. Bounce back and forth from each other. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a lot of them that can do that, though. That's the problem. Do you ever do those radio tours where you have to call like 10 different people, and then you realize like eight of them have the same voice? Like almost exactly.

Well, it's just a radio voice. I don't know when it was tested or when it was a study that people like. People like to listen to this right here. We're live here in Nashville. We got Hannibal Buress in the studio. We're live here in Cincinnati. We got Hannibal. There's a couple versions of that.

There's a couple versions of that. There's the sports guy as well. Gus Johnson here for Showtime. There's the news guy. It's just the same as rappers, though, too. Like, rappers, rap boys, you talk to a rapper, they might sound like me, but then when they're rapping, they're like, you know what it is? So it's just a persona.

It's just a persona that, you know, works for that situation. I like it, though. I like the Gus Johnson type voice. Like, when I say that about Gus Johnson, I'm not putting him down. Like, I like that professional, here we are, Madison Square Garden. I don't want a guy who's like, hey, all right. It sounds like me. Like me.

Like when I do the UFC, there's a reason why I'm the color guy and I'm not the play-by-play guy. I don't do the big, here we are, UFC 152. Like those guys are important. I like that. I like the pageantry. i mean it is pageantry yeah it's pageantry there's a reason why michael buffett works well yeah that's even more so because he's an announcer you know yeah let's get ready to rumble there's pageantry to all that

it's pageantry yeah yeah i'm not putting it down but it is weird radio it's weird radio radio because you don't have to talk like radio is different because it's supposed to be your personality. You know what I mean? Right. Like, sports, that's a sports guy. The news is the news. But radio is supposed to be your vibe. But then you sound like the dude in St. Louis also.

You sound like the dude who's all over the place. You sound like every guy. You know another place where that exists? What's that? Strip club DJs. Yeah. I've been trying to analyze this for many years. And I think with strip club DJs,

it's like, no one wants to hear a dude talking while girls are dancing naked. You do not want to hear that guy. So he's got to make it like a song. Like, all right,

coming to the stage. It's Amber. Remember, everybody, $14 kamikaze. It's like, there's an entertainment aspect to what he's doing. It's like, there's an entertainment aspect to what he's doing. It's like he's almost like he's singing a song.

But have you been to a black strip club in Atlanta, though? No. And those DJs? No. Those DJs are the most amazing DJs vocally ever. Really? Because they drive the tipping. You know what I mean?

And they cut in and out. And they crack jokes. Last one I was in, it's just so funny. It's like, man, you need to pay the pussy. Like, tip that pussy. Y'all motherfuckers in here, y'all ain't spending money. They'll drop the track. They cut the track back up.

Spend some motherfucking money. Look what she's doing up there. She's up there. Atlanta DJs, strip club, amazing. Only Atlanta? Only Atlanta. And probably just other black strip clubs. Like, the DJ drives that shit and is the driving force and is an entertainer in addition to it.

He adds to it. See, now I'm weighing the potential dangers of going to a black strip club in Atlanta with the entertainment aspect of how amazing it must be. It's not that dangerous, man. It's not dangerous. For a guy like me? No,'t look like I have a problem. They'd be like, Joe Rogan, what's up? Chappelle's show. I'm sure.

I'm sure. I need to go. If I go with you. If I go with you, I could slide right in. I'm not even that plugged in. I play cover. But no, I'm telling you, yeah, in the Black Strip Club, the DJs, the writers. Are there famous ones?

I don't know the names, though. But you go to somewhere, Magic City or a few other ones in Atlanta, the DJ is important and makes the strippers more money. And the strippers probably end up tipping out the DJ at the end of the night. I'm sure. Yeah, they have like an arranger, right? Yeah. My friend Eddie used to work at a strip club.

I used to go and visit him at work. Yeah. He was a DJ. So I got to see the craft. Yeah. I got to see how everybody does it. It's interesting, the relationship they all have. It becomes just like, I mean, you might as well be working in a restaurant.

Yeah. Everybody just develops the same sort of people. It's a workplace, man. Exactly. It's a workplace where people get naked. And it's weird because it's porn. Porn is like workplace, man. Exactly. It's a workplace where people get naked. And it's weird because it's porn. Porn is like that, too. Like, those people get used to each other, and it becomes just like any other normal.

See you later. Good jizzing on you. Have a good jizz on you. See you soon. And it's probably funny when it's just somebody you fucked, like, two years ago. Oh, good to see you again. Yeah. I think they have definitely a more relaxed attitude about it.

Yeah. You know, if you run into somebody that used to fuck out of nowhere, you're like, hey, how you doing? This is me. Look at me. I see you naked. You see me naked. All right. You take care.

Don't mind that, Mo. It's weird when you haven't seen someone in 20 years and you get to see like, whoa, this is weird. This is weird. Hello, Nina is weird. This is weird. Hello, Nina Hartley. I met her. She's a very nice lady. She was doing Kevin Pereira's podcast.

Yeah? I sat in with her and talked to her for a while. She does everything with gloves on, man. Really? Yeah, she has, like, sex sessions with people. She puts, like, surgical gloves on. Yeah, she does corporates, right? Does she? people she puts like surgical gloves on yeah she does corporates right does she

i think a lot of them yeah a lot of them do uh do you like corporate gigs corporates in quotes i guess sort of yeah in a way i don't know corporates not corporates privates privates yes she probably does a lot of privates. Yeah, like, you know. Yeah, very few comics do privates. What would you do if someone said, hey man, Hannibal Buress, I want you to come over and just do comedy just for me.

I'm just a big comedy fan, but I don't like going to comedy clubs because it's fucking, I don't like laughing around other people, so would you just do your act for me, and I'll pay you what you get paid for a regular show, for a packed house. No, they have to charge them my corporate college rate. Okay, corporate college rate.

I wouldn't want to do that. Can I bring somebody with me? Well, now you're worried about your safety? Don't worry. The guy's only going to masturbate. He promises. Nothing really crazy. He just wants to watch you.

He's going to keep his pants, well, he'll keep a towel on. Nah, I'm not doing that gig because I don't need the money that bad because I got my own supplement business. So I'm not, you know, I can do stuff as I want to do it, you know? All right, how about if the dude

wears like a space suit? A space suit? Yeah. Just sits there with a space suit on. How long of a set? Fucking full set, man. A spacesuit? Yeah. Just sits there with a spacesuit on, no masturbation. How long of a set? Fucking full set, man. A full outline set. For one dude.

For one dude? Can I bring an opener? No, no opener. To warm up, he's going to watch your past specials. So I can't even draw from that stuff? I got to do an hour new Well if he was a fan man You'd already know your shit

Yeah he already said it Imagine if you pay a dude To do a one on one show And he does bits you already know He'd be like Motherfucker That was the shit From your last special

All crowd work So what's up This is crazy Look at this place Oh shit 50 G's That's my rate For that weird ass shit 50 G's Outwork. So, what's up? This is crazy. Look at this place. Oh, shit. 50 Gs. That's my rate for that weird ass shit. 50 Gs.

You know there's a dude out there thinking about it. It's some fucking tech guy who's just super rich. I'm going to get Hannibal Buress to just do stand-up. It would be less weird if it was him and his buddy. That would be way less weird. Two dudes would be. Isn't it interesting him and his buddy. That would be way less weird. Two dudes would be. Isn't it interesting? Instantly, it becomes less gay.

Yeah, because it's just also being at a comedy show is about looking over at the person. You know what I mean? Doing the elbow. So just doing stand-up for one person is weird as hell. Don't you find it's weird even to watch it on television it well it's a little the vibe is so much different so much different it's just a different energy and just it is it is it's not weird but it is where i've had people that say they saw my stuff online or they saw stuff on tv but then they saw me live and they're

like oh shit live it was crazy so it is just it's hard to translate the true energy that's in the room and just that type of thing. Yeah. They don't tune into you when they're watching a video. They're just getting the words and the performance and laughing, but they're not tuned into you. There's some dudes, you'll see them on stage, like Brian Callen is a perfect example. Brian Callen, if you watch him in a video, he's hilarious.

But if you watch him live, that dude, you tune into him. It's infinitely better. Well, yeah, because the bits also, you might see a minute set out of somebody's hour set online. But then in somebody's hour club set or theater set, you didn't get to see how they entered and how they commanded the room at the beginning and how what they did at the beginning to allow them to be able to go to a weird place later where the audience already has that trust so it's a lot of different elements to

live stand-up that get lost in the internet and tv that's a great point the the building up like you know like i've had friends that were just start now and they'll do something like they have a bit and they'll do this bit like right away and I'm like you know what man the audience should probably get to know you better before you do that bit yeah like they let them gain your trust first and then do that bit yeah because the opening part of it like you're immediately you have to know you're a good person for that to be funny you gotta know you're kidding right otherwise it's just gross yeah like i got a joke about uh the movie uh i spit on your grave have you seen that yeah it's a weird movie and i do a bit about

it but i would never open with it that joke is coming at least 25 30 minutes in yeah that's a touchy subject yeah isn't that weird they have have to have, like, trust in you. Yeah, they have to have trust. You can't, yeah, you have to establish you're funny for a little bit. Yeah, and that's really hard, especially when you're starting out. People don't know you. You know, once they come to a Hannibal Buress show, they know who you are. They're here to see you.

But if you're starting out, man, if you're just a first-year guy, man, you've got to really get these people's attention. You've got to figure out a way to get them to trust you because they're going to make a judgment call on you within a couple minutes. Yeah, they'll judge your outfit. Especially a black crowd. Why are you walking up like, ah, his shoes. So you already lost half the audience.

His shoes are whack. His shirt looks kind of weird fitting. You already got to work hard. Yeah. Damn. That's hilarious. Why are black clubs so much more judgmental? It's just a level of performance.

They demand more. They demand more. The best black comics have just been great performance. You know what I mean? So you talk about, yeah, just Redd Foxx and Richard Pryor and Bernie, like these guys were not only, you know, great joke writers and stuff, but they performed and they were crushed. And so it's just a higher standard for a performer. Also, in black clubs or black showcase nights, the host is usually the star of the show a lot of the time.

You know what I mean? Where on the road in an improv or funny bone, the MC is local. Sometimes he's good, but for the most part, the host is not going to be that great, which is not cool because that's who's setting the tone for the show. And just that's who the first person in the audience is seeing. They got babysitters and all that, and the host, the first person on stage is eh. Whereas the host at a black, usually has a local following,

is great, crushes, does 20 or 30 up top sometimes. Wow. And so it's just a different thing so then the the next act has to be able to follow this amazing host with a great following so it ends up with a lot of comedians being a lot of black comedians being real strong performers uh early on that's interesting because you know chris rock said that about his career that like one time he had to go on after martin lawrence yeah and then he he was a turning point in his career because he realized that he had performed too many white crowds yeah

and it was like white crowds made him lazy like he didn't even realize he had gotten into this sort of like lower energy sort of right mode of performing yeah yeah i was uh i mean i wouldn't say it was black crowds that gave me a shit but I'm a little bit higher energy now than I was in my first CD. But that's just from playing, oh shit, that's just from playing bigger venues and learning. Joe just spilled, y'all can see. I spilled coffee again on my fucking computer. He spills coffee on his computer. This is unbelievable, man.

I've done this like four times in the last month. Shit, man. You know what it is, man? I keep this coffee cup right here, and I talk with my fucking hands because I have peasant roots. Is that what that means? Yeah, it's okay. The computer's going to be fine. Okay, cool, man.

It was just a minor. Apple care. A little splitch. But it was, no, it wasn't. They'll be like, bitch, this is the third time you came here. You get the fuck out of here, stupid. There's a 24-hour Apple store in Manhattan. That's got to be interesting.

It's very interesting because I needed to get a new iPhone last week, and I went in there faded and nothing. The worst person in the world is a drunk with a customer service issue. I was the worst, dude. How drunk were you? drunk with a customer service issue. I was the worst, dude. How drunk were you?

I was drunk enough to where I'm worried that they'll hack into my shit. Oh, that's hilarious. It was pretty. I feel bad about it. I was just like, because the dude, they weren't helpful. I had missed my appointment. I had a 1230 appointment. I popped in at 2.

I'm like, give me a new phone. I was the worst. And the dude's name was Jesus. And I was like, come on, Jesus. And we were going back and forth. Oh, no. Because he wasn't great to me, but he also wasn't. I was being a dick, too. You know what I mean?

Right. And also, I was drunk. I felt bad about it. Yeah. I felt bad about it the next day. I was like, god damn it. I'm in an Apple store being drunk. They must get drunk people all the time in Apple it. Yeah. I felt bad about it the next day. I'm like, God damn it. I'm in an Apple store being drunk. They must get drunk people all the time in Apple stores.

Probably. I mean, yeah. If you have a 24-hour Apple store. 24-hour Apple store. They're used to it. Yeah. Come on, man. If you're getting your iPhone fixed at 4 o'clock in the morning, you got to be fucked up.

Yeah, man. Can you get an activated iPhone at 4 o'clock in the morning? Can you get an activated iPhone at 4 o'clock in the morning? I want to do that. I don't even want to get another iPhone. Yeah, it's a 24-hour Apple Store because I had to get a new laptop last week. So 24-hour Apple Store, 24-hour Best Buy. So I did my shopping late, went and got a computer, went to Best Buy,

grabbed Xbox One late at night. It was great shopping. Yeah, I heard about the Best Buy, the 24-hour Best Buy. That's like near a college, right? It's not too far from NYU. Yeah, it's in Union Square. That's the one thing that Manhattan has. It's this 24-hour thing.

You know what they don't have anymore, though? It's pool halls. They used to have a 24-hour pool hall. I don't think they have that anymore. I haven't seen it. I think that's gone. They used to have this place, Chelsea Billiards.

There was quite a few places, but Chelsea was the big one that was open 24 hours a day. Yeah. Go there at 4 o'clock in the morning and play pool. You a big pool guy? Yeah, yeah. I love pool. What do you think about trick shot pool? Stupid.

Really? It's pointless. Yeah. I like trick shot pool. Trick shot pool is like tying a duck to a stick and shooting it out of the sky. Yeah. That's what it's like. The difference between you get to choose your shots, that's ridiculous.

The whole idea of pool is figuring out the patterns and moving the ball around, controlling the cue ball, making shots, and running out. The table presents you with a problem. You have to figure out that problem and get out. This is some stupid thing that you practice over and over again. Right. All you have to do is just poke at the stick and the balls go in the right direction because you set them up. That's dumb.

Oh, man. I guess it's good. It's entertaining TV. You know what it is? You know what it is? I understand your thought process behind it. But yeah, but I don't get to see them practice. Yeah.

You just see the shot. I just see them do the shot. That shit looks cool. It does look cool. Don't get me wrong. I've seen trick shots the shot, and that shit looks cool. It does look cool. Don't get me wrong. I've seen trick shots that look cool, but I've been playing pool for 20 years. I don't know how to do one. Yeah.

I can't do one trick shot. Yeah. Like, I play pretty decent, but I can't. I don't know any of them. I have no desire to learn them either. They just don't make any sense to me. It's like, who cares? You know when people do that?

Like, say if a professional came to your pool hall and was doing a demonstration. People like to see trick shots. Like, if hire a guy like earl strickland earl strickland comes to your pool hall he's gonna you know he'll do some trick shots for you i like this of course you know i'm like you know pool celebrities too yeah i know a few pool names yeah yeah i get into shit man yeah when i'm when i'm in the shit i get into shit, man. When I'm into shit, I get into it. You should get pool cues, man. I got a bunch of pool cues. No, I mean your own business.

Oh, Joe Rogan pool cues? Nah. Nah, that's not probably. No, pool cues you only want to buy from a dude who actually makes a pool cue. There's a thing about pool cue artisans. They make pool cues, and when you buy them from a guy Who's like a Zambodi Or a Tascarella People have these names They make these exotic pool cues

Out of wood and they're craftsmanship And they cut them and place them precisely It's a big art form to it So you wouldn't want to buy my fucking pool I don't know what the fuck I'm doing Can't buy a pool cue with my name on it It's stupid You'd be an idiot.

You want to buy a Southwest. You want to buy a Gina cue. You want to buy cues that have a name to them. Okay. Cool. There's like a longstanding art form. It's almost like a samurai sword type of thing where there's like certain artists that are preferred over other artists. Certain artisans that have like a long history passed down from father to son.

It's very common. Wow. Yeah. Actually, I mean, I'd be pissed. Why? I'd be like, man, I don't want to be in the pool cue business, dad. I'm passing on this pool cue business. I don't even like pool, dad.

Well, if you did like pool, then it would be good. But if you wanted to be a comedian, I could see your point. Long hours in the shop, breathing in fucking sawdust and glue fumes and shit. Working in a paint booth with one of those gas masks on. Yeah, that would be... It's not for Hannibal Buress. It's not for me. It's not for a lot of people.

It might not be for one of those father-son teams. They might not like that shit. Maybe. I would have to talk to them. Work is work. Individually. I hope I don't get an angry tweet from the Southwest Pool Company. I'm sure you would.

I'm sure they would be pissed. Yeah. There's quite a few people that take that very seriously. Yeah. Are you into anything? Do you play any games or anything? Do you do anything on the road? Do you bowl? Got a marble collection? I don't have a anything? Do you play any games or anything? Do you do anything on the road? Do you bowl?

Got a marble collection? I don't have a marble collection. I play video games a little bit. But I'm trying to think of my other stuff that I do. I'm a pretty boring dude, man. I play video games, do comedy, go to concerts, and that's pretty much it. I keep track of my frequent flyer miles very uh heavily now how boring stuff how hardcore do you get with the video games do you actually bring console with you on the road are you one of those dudes no i can't do that there's a lot of dudes

that get crazy with that yeah because nah because i it makes it more it makes it more exciting for when i get back home because that kind of is how I'm really at home. If I'm sitting at home playing video games. If I've been gone for 10 days, all right, relax. I'm home. Play a game. So that's the thing. I leave the game at home.

That's a good move. But I get into it. I only play two games, GTA and NBA 2K14. That's it? That's pretty much it. Because I'm already gone, so I don't have time to be switching games. You want to get some skills, learn the game, and then enjoy it. You don't want to have to learn new shit.

Yeah, just learn a new game. I might try out this Titanfall. I got that for the Xbox One. I haven't played it yet, though. I keep hearing incredible things. People have emailed me, if you're thinking about getting back into video games, this is the video game to get back into it. I'm like, get the fuck away from me.

Yeah. And that's the thing. So you don't have time to play. You got kids. You got a lot of work. And I'll be thinking about that, too, when I'm playing because I can't play for three or four hours straight. Should I be playing this or should I be writing a script? Should I really be playing against this 13-year-old?

Talking shit to him i don't talk shit no i might send a if i might if they talk because i don't i can't have a strain i can't i don't put it on the headset when it's a strain i can't just have a stranger having that much access to my brain like that i already i already do that with twitter i can't have their voice right yeah because you imagine if that's the new twitter if people just to be able to anonymously talk shit to you Right to your ear Just out of nowhere

Yeah Just like how you get Your app mentions on Twitter Yeah If you could just get Like one after another A bunch of people Talking shit in your ear

Your glasses were smudged On TV Bitch you look stupid up there What kind of sneakers are those Where'd you get that jacket Stupid That would suck man I delete

You know what? I delete my Twitter app sometimes just because I spend too much time on it. Do you really? But then I end up putting it back on like two days later. But the times that I'm trying to have like two hours a day where I just unplug. Two awake hours a day where I unplug. No awake hours a day. Where I unplug, no computer, no phone. So I either read, write, or work out, or just talk, or just chill.

But no looking at the phone, no email, no text, none of that. So that's what I'm trying to do. Just because I found, well, my phone was broken. I didn't have my phone for a day. It just was broken. I found that I was i was a little bit more productive i read i read a little bit of a book i wrote like six jokes or something and i was i felt uh way more clear-headed because i wasn't just checking people's you weren't tethered i wasn't tethered i wasn't checking twitter obsessively compulsively and yeah so

that's what that's my new shit. Yeah, I get tethered to that fucking phone, man. It's weird. It's tough, man. It's weird when you're out and you just have this desire to check your email for no reason. What the fuck?

There's nothing that important in an email because if it was, it'd be a phone call. Yeah, especially when you're not in the middle of doing anything. It's not like a deal's about to go down. Like, all right, Hannibal, stay near the phone. We're going to call you. Nobody said that.

Even if it was going down, it's not going away. Yeah. It's not going away. Yeah, the deal's going to go down, but you didn't get back to us. You didn't get back to us in 20 minutes. We thought you were one of the most hilarious guys of all time and a future superstar, but time is of the essence. Time is of the essence.

We came in the way. We just called some other dude that we had on our list of guys whose day to make. And he checks his phone all the time. It does get like that, though, when it's casting. When it gets down to casting, whether or not you agree to take a show, they give you an offer,

there's a counter offer, they have offers on someone else, and then there's a backup offer. Well, if Hannibal else and then, you know, there's like a backup offer. Yeah. Well, if Hannibal gets crazy with the money, we got this dude waiting in the wings. Yeah. There is that. That'll definitely keep you near your phone.

Yeah. But that's another beautiful thing about the internet. It's like that shit we were talking about, like you used to need a show. Like guys used to go away if they didn't have a show, if they didn't have something to put them out there to the crowd. Yeah. That's all gone away now. You get your own show. Guys used to go away if they didn't have a show, if they didn't have something to put them out there to the crowd. That's all gone away now. You get your own show. If you wanted to do

you're great at podcasting. You could just start a fucking podcast. I thought about starting a podcast. You totally should do a podcast. You would have a hilarious podcast. If you had a podcast, I would for sure download that shit. Well, thank you, man. I would subscribe to it. 100%. Thanks a lot. I actually recorded six episodes of a podcast.

It was called Talking to Strangers. And I just talked to legit people that I'd never met before or that weren't in comedy at all. That's a great idea. But then now, I mean, that would be me driving the listenership every time. Yeah. Which is, you know. But still, Bill Bird does a podcast where he just talks by himself.

Yeah, just him ranting. So does Greg Proops. Greg Proops does it. Greg Proops does a live one. He does a show called The Smartest Man in the World. Yeah. It's hilarious. Oh, it's just him ranting?

Just him. And he does it live? People ask him questions and he does it live. All people ask him questions. That motherfucker can rant like no one. Yeah. Greg Proops can He can just go And he's smart as fuck

So he has like hours of information in his head The dude has so much information in his head He went on a rant about Columbus Like I've read a bunch of shit about Columbus I knew quite a bit about Columbus But Greg Proops went on this mad rant Explaining what a cunt Columbus really was How fucking evil

Those people were back then. Yeah. You could be evil back then because there was no Twitter. You could be evil and unchecked. No Facebook. No Facebook. Nobody like, you're evil. Am I evil?

Shit. I should chill out. Columbus is holding a baby in one hand, a sword in the other. You can just be evil because you just had your evil and you had your four friends who were also evil enablers. That's true. They just lived life being evil. Isn't that funny that that is the case, especially when you get to a new land? You get in a wooden boat and you travel to the other half of the world Where it's in your eyes

Completely wild And they can come up with all sorts of justifications Why they should just start murdering people And then they find out these people have gold Oh shit Must have been so easy to be evil back then You're actually right Twitter keeps people from being as evil

Well Entertainers Entertainers? God we can call Columbus an entertainer Yeah. Twitter keeps people from being as evil. Well, entertainers. Entertainers? Well, we can call Columbus an entertainer. Well, no, that's what I'm saying. It wouldn't. I mean, I don't know if he would have been affected by Twitter, but it is something funny to think about.

But, yeah, that is crazy just to be just that type of, that mind state that so long ago. We're going to this place, and we're going to do some shit. I don't know what we're doing. Well, it's notorious when someone shows up on a boat. This is probably the only time in human history that when a boat full of strangers shows up in your store, people aren't going to die. Every other time in human history. Once that boat showed up, most likely people were fucking dying. Most likely

some terrible shit's gonna get down. Some crazy desperados who are starving to death are gonna hop off that boat and they're gonna have swords and bows and arrows and cannons. Oh yeah, cause they're hungry. Fuck yeah, they're hungry, they're at scurvy, there's no pussy, they're eating rats and fucking

old rice. I mean, what are they gonna do when they get off there?'re going to take whatever they want they're going to go crazy especially when there's no Twitter yeah no Twitter to say hey man chill on hey chill out on the pillages like in the last hundred years is probably the only time where it's not

a terrifying moment when a boat pulls up every other time before that the 1700s or whatever it was, 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. All that shit, that was a terrible time when someone pulled up in a boat.

Terrible time. Boats are like, yeah, tanks. Yeah. And then tanks now, when tanks pull up, something bad is happening or was happening or was about to happen.

Exactly. A battleship. Yeah. Yeah, that's a long... But do you think they knew that something terrible was going to happen right away? Or was it... they were open at first, right? Well, did you ever see that movie? There's a movie, um, I think it's What the Bleep Do We Know, that tries... I think it's this movie, tries to present this argument. They think that the Native Americans might not have even been able to see the boat

because they had no point of reference. Yeah. Which is stupid as fuck to see the boat because they had no point of reference. Yeah. Which is stupid as fuck to me. That would make no sense. Because there's a lot of unique events that you only see for the first time. The idea that they wouldn't be able to see it, I think it's just some woo-woo bullshit.

Yeah. I think it's some non-scientific bullshit that some people try to pass off. That's my take on it as a non-scientific bullshit artist. Yeah. But I think they wouldn't have known what the fuck it was. If they had never seen a boat before, and then all of a sudden, like, when the conquistadors landed, the people who lived, like, the Aztecs thought that they were gods. Because they'd never seen a person on a horse before. They'd never seen that.

They didn't know what the fuck was going on. They saw these people on horses. They thought the horse was a part of them. They thought they were gods. They'd never seen anything the fuck was going on. They saw these people on horses. They thought the horses were part of them. They thought they were gods. They'd never seen anything before. That's crazy. They think that at one point in time, most of North America did not have horses. That horses were brought here from somewhere else.

So the Native American Indians didn't used to have horses in the beginning. Wait, so they brought horses on these boats? Yeah, horses came from somewhere else. Wow. So that was a horrible boat ride. Because you're talking about days and days. Yeah, with a horse. With a horse.

Weeks. And feeding. Weeks. Probably months, right? I mean, how long did it take for Columbus to get from Spain to the Bahamas? I don't know. Had to be months. I would imagine it would be months.

Months of travel. Months of travel. Makes sense. I mean, you're on a boat that has to be blown around by the wind you're trying to get across the biggest body of water known to man that shit's ridiculous a ocean you're gonna get across an ocean on a floating piece of a tree that's the stupidest fucking thing i've ever heard so you're gonna do it with horses so do you get to take everything was you think he just felt entitled just like man it was as long as fuck.

I think people back then were ruthless. I think they were dealing with completely different times. People died younger. The amount of time you were on this planet was very short. The average person didn't get their shit together. Probably like 30-something year life expectancy. I mean, there was a few people that lived longer, but most people probably died off at 30.

And also the infant mortality rate was so high that it lowers the average age of death. It lowers it because of that. Infant mortality was through the roof. It was like 50% of the kids would die back then. During the Roman times, I believe, it was 50% child mortality rate. You had two kids, one would be dead for sure. Yeah, and that's normal. That was normal.

So I think their whole idea of what's violent, what's evil, what's good, what's bad, it was just completely different. They were used to way more barbarism, way more murder.

They would marry Antoinette. They would fucking, think about when they would have those gigantic town executions and they would use the guillotine to cut someone's fucking head off in the town square. We just think that people used to do that.

That is pretty bananas. Like now the guillotine is kind of used as a joke in movies or stuff like, yeah, the guillotine. But yeah, the fact that that was real is insane. It was real and it removed your head

and you were conscious for a few minutes before you would die. Wait, your... Your head would be separated from your body. Your body would be dying. But as the oxygen in your brain is slowly leaking out, like, you're conscious for probably not a few minutes, but probably at least a few seconds.

Well, you say, man, that is fucked up. Yeah, you're looking up at a basket, and you're like, oh, you got to be fucking kidding me. I didn't do anything that bad. All you had to do was piss the wrong person off that had power, and they would just be off with their head. They would just off with your head. That was like a common thing. No, but can we talk it through a little bit? You need any work done?

No. Off with your head. Isn't it funny, too, that they it through a little bit? You need any work done? No. Off with your head. Isn't it funny, too, that they would do that shit publicly? Like, that's what we avoid now. We don't want the public even seeing coffins. Yeah. Like, you're not allowed to take photographs of coffins of veterans when they're coming back. Yeah.

The Bush administration made that illegal, which is kind of fucking crazy. You're not even allowed to see a picture of someone who dies at war. Forget about seeing, like, a prisoner getting executed. you're not allowed to see any of that shit yeah yeah i mean i don't want to see that prisoner getting executed no if i sent you a link you'd click it if i sent you a link and it says, you know, okay, let's think of someone undeniably evil. Hitler. Okay. If I sent you a link and it, dude, you want to watch this video? This is Hitler getting executed.

How's he getting executed? He's going to get his head cut off with a sword. What mental state am I in? Sober, drunk, high? Depends on when you get home. I sent you the email at 7 p.m. What other emails do I have? If you had some new information about your stand-up comedy special,

soon to be out on Comedy Central. Yeah, it's out on Comedy Central Direct right now and comes out midnight on Saturday on Comedy Central. Yeah, some information about that. Or? Or the Hitler thing. Oh, yeah, I'd click that shit, man. You'd click that shit. I know, I'd click it, yeah. I, some information about that. Or? Or the Hitler thing. Oh, yeah, I'd click that shit, man. You'd click that shit.

I know, I'd click it, yeah. I'd click it, too. I've clicked on some shit I shouldn't have clicked. Yeah. The most recent one was some Mexican dude cutting his girlfriend's head off

for cheating with one of the drug lords. Like, whew. And it's so obviously real as fuck. So obviously real His boys? Who was filming it? His friends

Yeah, it was one of the cartel guys That's crazy Yeah, there's some crazy cartel videos There's cartel videos of them using chainsaws And cutting dudes' heads off But almost I mean, I know how fucked up it is To cut your girlfriend's head off for cheating

But in that world You almost understand it No, no, no I'm talking about in that world, you almost understand it. No, no, no. I'm talking about in their world, where you're talking about Latin machismo and also being a cartel leader and your girlfriend and everybody knowing that she cheated.

He had to maintain his cartel shit. That's true. But you're going to be in a murder. It's awful. It's awful. Nobody's fucking saying, Hannibal condones Beheading of cheating Too late

Like no They're writing a salon.com article Right now But Hannibal Part of rape culture But that is That is insane

Do you have that up there I'm glad I didn't look No we didn't have it up No no no We're not gonna show that I don't wanna see that shit Yeah but that's That's

He cut With a knife That's recent Oh yeah It's hard to watch man It's really hard to watch No, no, no. We're not going to show that. I don't want to see that shit. Yeah, but that's... He cut her... With a knife. That's recent? Oh, yeah. It's hard to watch, man. It's really hard to watch. And he holds her head up.

Like, the reason she was cheating is because he was so busy running the cartel. I don't know what their history was. But I'm sure... I would assume he's in the wrong. I'm sure running a cartel is very time-consuming. And she needed some dick. It doesn't mean that she didn't love him. He's in the wrong. I'm sure running a cartel is very time consuming. And she needed some dick. It doesn't mean that she didn't love him.

Yeah, I would say the same. If I was there while this argument was going down, he's like, I'm going to cut her fucking head off. Like, dude, relax. Dude, she appreciates you. Let's kick her to the curb. She just needed some attention. She needed a little dick. Come on. Now, look at it this way.

You got a fucking green light to cheat however you want. They actually have the green light and the cartel. They just do whatever the fuck they want. Yeah. At this point in time, I mean, how much money do those guys have? I mean, they have cartels where the head guys have like a billion dollars. Yeah. That's like make Al Capone look ridiculous.

Are we in danger of being attacked by the cartel now? I don't think so. I don't think they've ever developed like real legitimate military power. But what they have developed is local power. Like they don't have. No, I mean me and you as individuals. No, we haven't said anything bad. Okay, cool.

What have we said bad? I don't know. They make a lot of money and they don't tolerate cheating. All right. Yeah. So are we part of cartel propaganda? That's interesting. If we were probably, if we were cartel sympathizers?

Yeah. But I don't think we are. I don't think so. I think what we are is, look, the whole reason why cartels exist is what we were talking about earlier. Should cocaine be legal? Well, if cocaine's not legal, who's going to sell it? Because people are going to smoke it, snort it, smoke it, whatever they do with it shoot it some people shoot it they're gonna do it they're gonna

do it who's gonna profit right criminals is it better to have pfizer sell coke or is it better to have the the the the mafia down in uh yeah pfizer i say pfizer i say let pfizer profit off so joe what you're saying is that if cocaine was legal, this woman would still be alive. You know what? You might have a point there. I think, I mean, it's a long way to go, but it's, you know, I think that's what it is. Well, I definitely think some people would be alive. Yeah.

There would be less violence. Less violence. There'd be less money spent in jails, on jails. What they've done in Portugal is a clear indicator that we're on the wrong path with keeping everything illegal and locking people up. Putting private prisons up, throwing people in there, profiting off the fact they're in there. Portugal, they've lowered everything. They've lowered the rates of addiction. They've lowered violent crime.

They've lowered the amount of money they have to spend on legal fees and courts and prisons they've lowered all that shit just by decriminalizing all drugs they just made it so that people aren't fucking locked up as criminals anymore yeah for a choice like choose alcohol which will fuck you up man you and i okay listen i was in the Apple store last week. Trust me. But we could get fucked up in like 20 minutes. Jamie could go back there, break out some whiskey, and we could just start doing shots. Within 15 minutes, we would be unrecognizable.

Right. You could get fucked up in like a short amount of time with alcohol, like a really short amount of time. Yeah. Why is that legal? And coke's not. Why? Arbitrary. Completely arbitrary.

It doesn't make, there's no logical sense. There's no, it doesn't make sense. The same type of person who would go on a coke binge will also go on a drunken rampage. Yeah.

Well, you can't go on a coke rampage. You can go on both. Okay. You can go on a drunken binge. Yeah. You can go on a drunken rampage. You can go on a Okay You can go on a A drunken binge Yeah You can go on a drunken rampage You can go on a coke binge Or a coke rampage

Yeah But I agree with you I'd rather be around the guy on coke So there Well here you go You got a drunk You know A drunk problem

America's got a giant drunk problem We got alcohol everywhere People die of alcohol Yeah By the hundreds of thousands Drunk drivers Mmhmm All that shit What's better though America's got a giant drunk problem. We got alcohol everywhere. People die of alcohol. Yeah. By the hundreds of thousands. Drunk drivers. All that shit. What's better though? Coke drivers or drunk drivers?

I don't know, man. I think... I don't know the stats, man. If you had to guess. If I had to guess? Would you rather be in a car with a dude who's coked up or a dude who's drunk and he's driving? I think the coked up dude will be driving fast, but he'll make those lane shifts like a motherfucker. I think he'll be like, you want? Oh, shit. How'd you do that, man? Yeah, I talked to my doorbell.

I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. When we open up our business, I'm going to take you to driving school. He'll be pulling right into parking spots that you normally have to parallel into. He'll just pull right in.

We'll see you in tight spots. How'd you do that? Slide is the word. Dude, let's open up a driving business. I'm fucking awesome at driving. Driving school. We had to do a cool driving school, man. When I was a kid, I passed it the first time I tried.

I got the written shit, the driver shit. I got all the information. I got the knowledge. My dad's got books. I just need $100,000. Come on, man. Let's do written shit, the driver shit. I got all the information. I got the knowledge. My dad's got books. I just need $100,000. Come on, man. Let's do this. Let's make money.

Let's make money. We'll be under the air. Come on, man. We'll get some bitches. It'll be great. Yeah, definitely. I would talk to the coke guy first, and I would drive with the coke guy first. Look at that, folks.

Also, I would, where am I? I would probably try to drive, too. But that fucks up everything. Also, I would, where am I? I would probably try to drive, too. But that was, that fucks up everything. Oh, I would definitely drive. If I had the option, I would be the guy driving over the drunk driver or the coke driver. Oh, definitely. Yeah. But if you couldn't drive for some strange reason.

Like, I'm injured and I need somebody to take me to the hospital. The only person that's the coke friend or the drunk friend, coke friend, is taking me to the hospital. Yeah. Or you're on The Walking Dead and you get picked up on the side of the road and you're just happy it's not a zombie and it's a dude who's on coke. Yeah, I would definitely, if I had to fight zombies, I want the dude that's on coke with me fighting zombies. I would want the dude on PCP. Oh, PCP, yes. Yeah, that's the motherfucker you want. Yes.

But he would make irrational choices. What, about? They do crazy shit. But he'd be all, he'd have a strength, oh, meth, somebody on meth fighting zombies. That's a good move, too. Yeah. Which is like an accelerated version of Adderall. Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Yeah, it is. Yeah, somehow or another related. Except for the teeth part, That's the real accelerated. The teeth part? The teeth thing. What do you mean?

The teeth thing and the destroying your face thing. Oh, what do you mean? With meth. With meth. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Rots your teeth out? Rots your teeth out.

Isn't it just any form of speed once they start doing speed? I think they forget to brush, too. That's part of it. Part of brush? Uh-uh. Just doing speed. Like, meth mouth is a real... I haven't done that much research on meth because it hasn't affected my life that much.

Isn't that messed up? I mean, sometimes I research stuff that doesn't have to deal with me, but meth mouth is a real issue. Dude, it's in Wikipedia. You're 100% right. Meth mouth is a term by itself? It is. It is. Look, there's a whole page in Wikipedia.

Meth mouth. Oh, no! That's horrible. Look, there's a whole page in Wikipedia. Meth mouth. Oh, no! That's horrible. Yeah, go to meth mouth on Wiki. Yeah, so I don't think there's anything called Adderall mouth. That's just a dry mouth. You drink a lot of water. You end up hydrating yourself.

You're in better health. This is insane. Oh, my God. Dental condition characterized by severe decay and loss of teeth, as well as fracture, enamel erosion, and other oral problems. Symptomatic of extended use of the drug methamphetamine. The specific cause of the condition is unknown, although drug-induced xerostomia, dry mouth.

Why don't you just call it dry mouth? Why do you have to get crafty? It's something I can't even pronounce. As well as bruxism, which is grinding of the teeth, are thought to be involved. Wow. This is crazy. They grind their own fucking teeth off. That picture is a classic meth mouth.

You could tell by looking at the other teeth. That person isn't even that fucking old. They just did some crazy shit to their teeth. Yeah. I hope the party was awesome. Poor nutrition, eating too much sugar, lack of dental hygiene, common among long-term users of the drugs.

I didn't know that meth users eat a lot of sugar, but that totally makes sense. The legitimacy of meth mouth as a unique condition has been questioned because of the similar effects of some other drugs on the teeth. Treating meth mouth is difficult. Yeah, because your teeth are gone. The best treatment for meth mouth is veneers.

Yeah, you have to just chew them all down and get some dental implants. Get some new teeth. Some bulletproof teeth. Yeah, man. Yeah, have you ever seen a person have like a tooth where they do the root, a gentle implant? No, not dental implants. Oh, it's crazy.

I got veneers, though. I got TV teeth. You got some, what do they do? They scrape the outside off and put a beautiful shell on? Yeah, these front and front are TV teeth, man. Oh, those are beautiful. Let me see. Smile.

Oh, those are pretty. Yeah, man. Do they make them perfect? Is me see. Smile. Oh, those are pretty. Yeah, man. Do they make them perfect? Is that what it is? That's how you got them? Yeah, because I had a chipped tooth and a gap, and I was like, man, I'm probably going to be on TV a lot in the next few years. Let me fix this real quick.

So I got it fixed in 2011. I got them fixed. There's something sexy about a really hot girl with a gap in her teeth. Something like extra sexy. Yeah. Yeah. Girls with gaps used to connect with me. They're like, you got a really hot girl with a gap in her teeth Something like extra sexy Yeah, girls with gaps used to connect with me Like, you got a gap, I got a gap I'm like, not for long It doesn't bother me, though

Does it bother you if a pretty girl has a gap in her teeth? No, not at all Not even a little bit, right? No, not at all It was just my own thing I was like, I'm gonna be on TV I don't wanna have cracked teeth on TV But a gap is different than snaggle teeth

Yeah They're all snaggled My a gap is different than snaggle teeth. Yeah. They're all snaggled up. My bottom teeth are kind of snaggled. This one is one that goes back. It's all fucked up. I'm not going to get it fixed. I'm a man.

My top ones are fine. I don't give a shit. But if I was a girl, nobody wants to look at a snaggly tooth mouth girl. Yeah, snaggly is not a good look. It's not good. When you get the extra teeth, those weird people that have extra teeth that pop out of the gums in weird spots. Yeah. It's just, you know, all men are not created equal.

Why do we give a fuck? Why does anybody care about if someone's teeth are not perfectly in line? Like, what part of our brain is being bothered by the lack of symmetry? Yeah, it's just, that's what it is. It's just symmetry. I don't know what part it is, but people like symmetry. For the same reason, it might, I mean, it wouldn't anger me, but if this painting was, like, a little bit off, I'd be like, ooh, what?

It's a little bit off. The other ones look, they're on point, but if it was a little bit off, I would notice it. It would fuck with you. It would fuck with me. I should tilt Jimi Hendrix noticeably just to fuck with the next guest. Yeah. Just leave it there, kind of cockeyed, and not say shit about it.

Yeah. I'm going to do that. Don't tell Adam Carolla I'm going to fuck with him. I'm going to twist that shit up. Yeah, so it's just, I think, yeah, it's just a human brain, like, you know. Symmetry. Symmetry. Perfect lines, you know.

Yeah, but why? But why? I don't know. At a certain point in time, logic should take over, but it doesn't. But that shit just looks good, man. Right. You know, I mean, like, if somebody got a weird tooth, it's just the same reason why, you know, if your car got hit in the in the in the

front headlight and smashed in a little bit the car still runs well but you want that shit fixed because it looks dumb i agree with you 100 i'm just trying to figure out why why shit we like shit that looks good man i know we do but isn't that weird right why like are you a car guy do you like cars i do like cars, what's your favorite car? I don't, I, I got a few favorites. Actually, favorite, if they're listening, I like the Lincoln MKS. That's a beautiful car. Yeah, I like that car.

That's a spaceship. Yeah, I like that car. Yeah. And what else? I mean, I like some Benzes. Yeah. Yeah, the, what is it? Pull up the 2014 Mercedes-Benz S-Class.

Pull up a picture of this. This is like, if you think about the cream of the crop of luxury automobiles, like a Mercedes-Benz. There's no ugly Mercedes-Benz. They have a bunch of German scientists that are fucking trying to figure out what the symmetry is. What the eye? Go to do a Google search of silver 2014 Mercedes-Benz S-Class. Look out.

There's something beautiful about it, inescapably beautiful. But when you look at the picture, like, why? Like, what the fuck is it? Like, what is it about that thing? It's designed and it's just, yeah, it looks slick as fuck. Look at that. The grill. The grill is a big part of it. You, what is it about that thing? It's designed and it's just, yeah, it looks slick as fuck. Look at that. The grill. The grill is a big part of it.

You can't say shit about that car. No one can say that's not a good looking car. Yeah. That's a masterpiece. Right. They designed it to make it smooth. If you get in that car and drive off, you're a motherfucker who's going somewhere. Yeah.

Someone who sits in that car and they're at traffic, like, that's a guy who's doing, or a gal, who's doing well. You have a beautiful car. Look at him in his Mercedes-Benz. A smooth car. It probably rides well. Why does it look good? Well, why some things look good to you and they don't look good to me? Like, here's something.

to me. Here's something. I have a friend who loves those fucking stupid Mercedes bread truck looking things. Those old school ones that are real square. Splinter? What are they called? Sprinter? They look like a Jeep.

I think you're talking about a Sprinter. Some people use them as tour bus. Oh no, that one. Or the G5. Yeah, that's the one. I take it back. Mercedes doesn't make one ugly car. It's this one. That's ugly as fuck. Yeah.

I wouldn't. I don't like. I guess it's just. But sometimes the brand can take over. It is totally take over. That shit's square as fuck. But people love it. Yeah.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Someone gave me one. I would drive it. I'm sure it's lovely to drive. Right. Mercedes is. They're masterpieces of engineering. Yeah.

But, you know, look at that. And then, like, look at a new Range Rover. You want to look at, like, a beautiful SUV? Pull up the image of the new Range Rover and you see, like, a futuristic, beautiful-looking SUV. But it's why. Yeah. Why do I like one or the other? I never can figure out what it is that appeals. I don't know what it is.

It just varies by person. Like, I got these shoes. A company sent me these shoes, and they sent me some shoes that look great, and they sent me some shoes. I'm like, what the fuck? I would never wear this. And so my little cousin, she was visiting me from college. She visited me in New York last week, and I was like,

look at these ugly fucking shoes. They look like if Chester Cheetah wore purple. And she was like, those look great. Those what? I want to give those to my boy. Those shoes are awesome. I was like, what the fuck? And so it's just subjective.

You know what I mean? People, you know, people, it's just subjective. Some people's eyes like different things. Some people have different aesthetics and just taste and that's what it is. Because I thought those shoes were gross and I will never wear them. I still won't ever wear them but there's some people that might like those shoes. I thought, yeah.

I'm totally with you. I always wondered I want to see that's a new look at the difference between those two. This is a boxy looking bread truck and that's a spaceship. That's a beautiful spaceship. I've always wanted to know what you see, like anybody, any other person. I assume that everybody sees what I see.

I assume that when you're looking at meth mouth, you see the same thing I'm looking at when you're looking at these pictures. But I don't know. I really don't know. I'm just guessing. I mean, imagine if you use somebody's eyes if you see through somebody's and the whole world's completely different a totally different vibe do you mean see just as far as the visual or see as far as how people process things both

with their brain well that's a totally different yeah that's crazy oh do you you probably you smoke so you probably like how do i look when I move around to other people? You ever see yourself on video and you're like, whoa, is that really what I look like? I move around like that? Oh, shit. I was fat then. That was a fat day. Oh, man.

Should have got a haircut. Oh, man. My posture. Actually, you know what's funny? I did Letterman a couple years ago, and I hate it because my suit is horrible. But not only is my suit horrible, but my entrance, it sucks. I walk out on Letterman, and I'm, like, bound. And I'm, like, do-do-do-do-do-do.

Like, it's the worst. There's no confidence. I mean, it's confident, but it's not. Like, I don't look how I thought I looked when I was walking out. I'm, like, yeah, I'm walking out on Letterman in my mind. And I see the video. Can you pull it up? I see the video. I'm like, like it's not, it's just like real heavy. Look at, or maybe I'm overanalyzing it too, but that suit is horrible. Look at that garbage suit. There's nothing wrong with that suit. That suit is

garbage. What's garbage about it? The fit of it is tight it's weird i think i buttoned the wrong button it's a weird fit i think it's fine man yeah you're fucking with yourself did you did you get crazy were you high when you looked at this and got freaked out by it no it's just when like yeah i mean my girlfriend gives me shit about it sometimes like she gives you shit about that video that suit yeah that suit she like, that suit was horrible. Or there's another time I wore a horrible suit because I got better suits now

so I'll see it. I'm like, man, that suit sucks. Are you a suit guy? Do you get like your suits tailored? Do you ever do that? I got my first tailored suit

a few weeks ago for this event I did for the Bulls in Chicago. So I needed a suit last minute so I splurged on a suit and got a nice one, and it was killing,

and I'm making sure that I wear as many events as I can just to get my money's worth for the suit. That's a sign of being a grown-up, man. You get a nice suit. Yeah. Fancy man.

Yeah, they tell it there, and it felt slick, and it was a smooth suit. And that's what made me realize that my other suits were garbage. When I put on a good suit, I was like, and, I was like, this is how a suit should look. I looked at the other shit. I was like, oh, fuck.

I was on TV like that? My fuck. Every TV special I've ever done has been like a T-shirt or, you know, long-sleeved T-shirt, jeans usually. Yeah. I don't want to dress in a way that I don't normally dress when I'm comfortable. Right. You know? usually. I don't want to dress in a way that I don't normally dress when I'm comfortable. Right. Yeah, for TV appearances, or late night shows, doing a set, I'll put on a suit just out of respect for the show, you know what I mean?

Right, right, right. But for my special, my first one I just wore a button-ups, and then my latest one, I wore a jacket over a T-shirt, which is just amazing because people, like, that's just jeans and T-shirt, but you put a jacket, people are like, holy shit, you look great. I just put a jacket over my regular shit. A jacket makes you look like you're a professional. But also it just makes people... It's funny how clothes will determine how people just approach you

and just how people treat you and how people talk to you and how people respond to the shit you have to say. A jacket or a suit will just change everything. Especially if you're a young man. Yeah. Especially if you're a man in his 20s. Yeah. A guy in his 20s with a suit is totally different

than a guy in his 20s with a t-shirt. Yeah, it is. It's just you listen to that person, it seems more intelligent all of a sudden. They're more respectful. Yeah, more respectful. It's weird that that's... I think about that too. How did suits become...

How did that become the way to dress? Was one dude like, I'm going to wear this. And people are like like that looks good where do I get that shit at yeah a dude who has like a suit and tie on and is holding a clipboard automatically

you take him seriously you take him seriously you defer to him I gotta ask him something let me be respectful he might shut me down he might ruin my life he might ruin my night

the same kid with flip flops on and a t-shirt a pair of shorts look at this piece of shit how did he get this job who is he night. The same kid with flip-flops on and a t-shirt, a pair of shorts. Look at this piece of shit. How did he get this job? Who is he? Yeah, imagine if you went to a Mercedes dealership and you wanted to buy one of those beautiful cars.

The guy working behind the counter is wearing fucking flip-flops and shorts. He's telling you all this crazy shit about Mercedes. Like Mercedes, the engineering is the finest in all of Europe. And what they do is what. And you'd be like, I'm going to listen to this fucking idiot with stupid feet. I'm looking at his feet.

Look at his feet. Look at his toes. He got something in between his toes. But you know what I don't like is that sometimes people will use that against you. I'll stay at a nice hotel and a person. Sometimes people at the hotel, they dress nice and they'll take on the vibe like they own the hotel. It's like, relax. Relax a little bit.

Sir, we do not allow that in this Chateau Mamouchma. And I want to say, sir, I think you make $30,000 to $50,000 a year. Calm down. But they talk in this way like they're the king. Like, relax a little bit. And then maybe if I had on a suit, I'd be like, sir, you shut the fuck up. I am also a suit right now. That's true, right?

If you wear flip-flops and a dude is wearing a suit, he automatically is one-upping you. And you could be a rich fucking dude unless you got a crazy fat watch. If you show up, if you're checking into a fancy hotel and you're wearing the flip-flops but you got some

stupid fucking gigantic $20,000 watch on your arm and people know it and you're gesturing with your hands a lot and it's this big fucking chunky

diamond crusted watch like, oh, okay, we gotta listen to this guy. Let him talk a little bit. He's got some money. But, yeah, I mean, I think that's what I do.

I actually like dressing horribly in high-level situations. I love, I get upgraded. I fly first a lot, and I love being in, like, jogging pants. I love being a young black dude in jogging pants in first class. And people like, who? With a fitted hat on and my headphones. And people like, what the fuck is it? How did he?

How is he? Where is he? How do you think he? What do you think he? And my favorite thing, I don't know what it is, if it's my demeanor or whatever, but I like it because I like my, nobody ever talks to me in first. Just about nobody, nobody ever, I'm always. He's probably a rich, rich celebrity.

Nobody ever talks to me in first. Whereas my girl, when she'll fly first, like I hear about her, she'll tell me, I talk to this business guy, blah, blah, blah. I met this rapper who was on a plane with me. And this person, like these people, will just babble minds to her. Babble minds is a term my cousin made. Some people just talk to you when you don't want them to talk. People monopolize the conversation. Babble minds. But people will just talk, obviously because she's a girl.

But this is a funny thing where people won't even engage usually with me on a plane. I got an ear beating from me and Tommy Segura. Do you know Tom Segura? Yeah. Me and Tommy Segura were on a flight once. And this woman who was the attendant on the flight, she gave us the most unbelievable ear beating I've ever experienced in my life. It was just staggering. Her stamina, her ability to not recognize clues.

Her breath control. The whole thing. She asked us if we would like some wine. And we said, sure. And I forget what Tommy asked for. He asked for Cabernet or Pinot Noir. Like, do you have a, you know, you have a whatever. He asked for a typical.

And she started cracking some joke about the movie Sideways. Did you ever see that movie? I haven't. It's a movie about, it's with the dude from Wings. What's a fucking cool ass guy's name? Fucking shit. What's his name? The dude, Church.

What the fuck is his name? Thomas Hayden Church. Yeah. Who's a very cool guy, actually. And, you know, it's all about wine. So she starts reciting this scene. It's like that scene and, you know, blah, blah, blah. And then she goes, well, I've never really been into wine.

But I'll tell you what, there was a guy once that, you know, blah, blah, blah. He had the bottle of wine. He brings it to the restaurant. And she's just going on and on and on. And I'm not exaggerating. Like 15 minutes. She won't shut the fuck up. She's just hovering over this chair.

And we're panicking. This is on a plane? On a fucking plane. This is a flight attendant? On a fucking plane. Oh. She's leaning over the seat, just beating us into submission with this stupid ass story. And so I start writing down.

I'm in the window seat, and he's in the aisle. So he's stuck with her. He's taking a word for you. I abandon him and just start looking out the window. I was like, I can't do this anymore. I have to start looking out the window seat, and he's in the aisle. So he's stuck with her. He's taking a word for it. I abandon him and just start looking out the window. It's like, I can't do this anymore. I have to start looking out the window. She won't stop. She's worked her way from the quote from the movie Sideways

to a story about a dude with wine to a story about her ex-husband. And it's a fucking murderous assault on the eardrums. Probably Tom was probably so punch drunk at the time where he couldn't think't think we should have went to the bathroom well tommy had a really interesting point because tommy i abandoned him and i left him to to be slaughtered by her and he uh he developed a psychological profile of her yeah and say he said i think because we were on a small plane it was a small flight he goes i think the reason why this lady's on a small flight is because other ladies don't want to work with her so they stick her on these small flights where she works by herself because she's clueless

because she doesn't know when to shut the fuck up and everybody wants to get away from her oh wow stick around these little flights one hour hour and a half type flight or something like that yeah it wasn't a very long flight i forget where we're going but the beating that just yeah just brutal ear beating this broad gave. Yeah, it's tough. And it's just, you don't want to feel like a bad person. Exactly. It's tough, even though in your brain, it's just tough socially.

Like, hey, can you shut the fuck up? But it's tough to do, especially in a confined space like that, in an airplane. I mean, in a social situation, it's easier because you can just say, yeah, I'm about to go to the bar. You need anything? And they usually don't need a drink, but that's the way to cut people out yeah i'm going to get a drink yeah or you say excuse me i gotta use the restroom i hate to be rude but i have to use the restroom and then i would just drop my phone and start looking for you in between

the seat and hopefully would just she would find a reason to keep walking yeah but she would she would do it not just us she did it to everybody she decided to stop with. We watched her. When she got done beating us up, she went over to somebody else and beat them up. So she was a social terrorist. She was a terrorist. She won, too. The terrorist won on that night. I gotta jump out real quick to the bathroom. Yeah, yeah. Go ahead, man.

Go ahead. Don't worry about it. I'll tell everybody about my show I got coming up soon. A lot of people, folks, they can't handle these three-hour conversations. They don't develop the bladder control that a man like me has. You notice a man like me sitting here two hours plus in. I'm not feeling

it. I'm fine. Two hours and ten minutes. By the way, if you ever watch a UFC, this is an inside joke, and you hear me talking, only me talking while the fighter is walking from the back room to the cage that means mike goldberg went to pee because mike goldberg pees like crazy i don't know what's going on with mike goldberg he tells me everything's fine i believe him but i i have a

hard time believing a man can pee as much as Mike Goldberg pees. I don't even understand it. It doesn't even make sense to me. Like, I'll go to take a leak. Don't get me wrong, because a lot of times I'll have a cup of coffee there. I'll have a couple of bottles of water. You want to keep hydrated while you're screaming and yelling. So I will get up and go to take a leak. But I'll do it, and then an hour later, like, he'll do another one.

Like, we'll go pee together. And this motherfucker will pee again inside of an hour. And I don't know how he does it. But the most he ever did so far in a UFC event is six. He peed six times. My co-host at UFC, Mike Goldberg, who's a great guy, but likes to pee. So apparently he enjoys running out to the bathroom and taking leeks. Is he drinking a lot of water or is he just... Drinks a lot of water and drinks Red Bulls and shit like that too

while we're doing the broadcast to stay up. Pee six times an hour? No, in a show. In a show. In a whole UFC show, which is like six hours worth of fights. I mean, if he's, you know... Sort of. Still ridiculous.

If you're a man and you know this is what you're doing, sit down. Yeah, if you're doing... I guess if you're doing TV or rock, yeah. Strengthen your pee. Yeah. But for most people, as they get older, apparently that becomes an issue. Dudes develop prostate problems. Yeah. And your prostate enlarges.

I know this because I had to get my dog fixed. My dog's prostate enlarged so much that it was constipating him. I thought your dog fix was a metaphor. No. Prostate enlarged. I noticed how I get my dog. I had to get my weasel repaired. I'm like, oh, shit, is this what happens after 40?

No, my dog was six, and he developed an enlarged prostate. I had to get him fixed. Shit. Johnny Cash no longer has balls. He seems happy, though. Yeah? He was actually getting constipated because of it. It was really interesting.

Like, it was blocking up. It was pinching where his colon is. Yeah. Poor dog. They, when I was on that goat farm, working with them, they had me. I was milking a goat, and then they brought one goat in. They had me bring this one young male goat. And they're like, you want to name him?

And I'm like, yeah, name him Hannibal. They're like, you sure? They're like, yeah. And then they were like, we're going to band him. And they put a band around his balls. And so they do a delayed castration. Yeah. Where it's not like they cut it off.

They put the band on and then the balls just fall off. Yeah. Two weeks later. But I didn't like that they told me. They set me up to name him. And then they were like, yeah, he's not going to have balls in a little while. Like, that's pretty shitty of y'all. Well, they were going to do that anyway.

They were going to do it anyway, but they didn't have to have me hold him as they did it. Yeah, that's kind of fucked. To them, it's normal. But no, I mean, I guess it'll be all right TV, but this shit kind of made me feel weird. You know, human beings do that to themselves sometimes, too. That's like one of the ways that men castrate themselves. Is? They use, like, rubber bands and tighten it all up, and it all just goes dead.

And then they saw it off. Wait, who, what type of dudes are castrating themselves? There's a lot of crazy fucking people out there, man. There was a website called BME Extreme. That's from the, there's a video called the BME Pain Olympics. Explain that acronym, please. I don't know. Apparently, there's no real Pain Olympics.

It's not real, but they called this video the BME. Don't pull that up. But there's a video of a bunch of dudes hacking their dicks off and cutting their balls out. People have done it. It's definitely happened, and they've done it on video. People have cut their fingers off on video and put the video online, cut the tip of their finger off with a sword.

People are fucked. Yeah, it's crazy. Because those are like one-off activities. Yeah, you can't repeat that. Like, yeah, end of repeat. Last year's champion. No, that's a one-off. It wasn't worth it.

Some weird thing where some people like to do that for whatever reason. They want to castrate themselves. Like, it's more common than not. Maybe, you know, that's what them trying to, you know, release themselves from just being, you know, one sex so much. Like, you know, the way I deleted my Twitter app. Exactly. But then they realized they wanted it afterwards. But I can reinstall Twitter.

Well, you know, supposedly, I read this about Nikola Tesla, the famous inventor, that he did something. He didn't explain what he did, but, in quotes, destroyed his sexuality. He had some really confusing

love situation with some woman, apparently, and he just ruined everything, ruined his life, ruined his work. He just got messed up with some chick and then decided to, in quotes, destroy his sexuality. Now, I don't know if that's true or not, but you're talking about a guy, Nikola Tesla, who was a crazy genius inventor who also was in love with a pigeon. Thought this pigeon, he was in love with this pigeon. Had this weird romantic interest in a pigeon before he died. He's completely off the rails.

So does he deserve to have a car named after him or not? I don't get it. He's a bad motherfucker. He was. Even though he's crazy. Humans are never perfect. No one retires with an undefeated record. Not evenyd mayweather along the way he takes some losses yeah you know i mean losses and uh you know making out with a pigeon i don't think he ever made out with it i think he

just was in love with a pigeon in love with a pigeon and destroyed his own again that's what i read that could be propaganda. Right. I'm exposing propaganda left and right. Yeah. It might be propaganda. Might not be real. Like Napoleon.

Did you know Napoleon wasn't short? Whoa. That's a mindfuck. In fact, he was taller than average for the time. Well, he's like 5'8"? 5'6", I think he was. 5'6"? Yeah, for France.

Let's find out. Napoleon. Well, Napoleon's real height. But, I mean, it was. Five, six? Yeah, for France. Let's find out. Napoleon. Napoleon's real height. But, I mean, that's a standard, right? Oh, he's got a Napoleon complex. Right. Five foot six, yeah.

So back then when people had no fucking nutrition whatsoever, that was actually taller than average. Okay. So Napoleon complex just means you want to take over shit. Yeah, it depends. This one actually says 5.7. Five foot seven inches, this one says. Whatever it was.

For then, back then, that wasn't nearly as short as it is now. I'm 5'8", and I'm short for today, for 2014, when people have good nutrition. But back then, that was actually a tall guy. There was a regular-sized guy. It was like a guy who was like 5'11". Wow. Yeah, it's like normal. Maybe not even 5'11". Is 5'11"?

5'10"? What is average? 5'9"? Something like that? 5'8"? I'm about 5'10". Let's find out. I got a Napoleon complex.

What's the average height? What's the average Napoleon complex. What's the average height? What's the average American height? What's the average male American height? Okay, let's see. I'm saying 5'9". The average U.S. is 5'10". The average? Yep.

Yeah. No. Yeah, that's, yeah. That's not average. That's what they're saying. The average? Yep Yeah No Yeah that's Yeah That's not average That's what they're saying Is that taller than average? What do you think?

I think average would be Maybe Well this one thing says 5'10 Average male American height Average female male U.S. is 5'10". Okay. Yeah, it says there's another one.

U.S., male, 5'10". I'll take it. I haven't done as much research as them. I've just been me and my friend. Well, I think it goes up. I think it's gone up definitely since I was born. And I think part of it is nutrition. People understand things.

And they also understand not to smoke when you're in the womb. I think that fucked a lot of kids up. A lot of women used to smoke when they were pregnant. My mom smoked. Yeah? Yeah, she smoked for me and my sister. She apologized to you? Nope.

We don't bring it up. Really? What's she going to do? Apologize for the past. I guess, right? Let it go. Give us a fuck. Let it go.

Okay, now it's yeah yeah basically basically almost every one of these studies shows it's about five foot ten from for for now okay in the u.s which is interesting because it's definitely gone up uh over uh see what is that it's uh average this is the netherlands USA, France, and Japan. Average man. So Japan is the shortest? With BMI and... Japan's changing too, though, man. There's a lot of much bigger dudes in Japan now than there was. During the World War II days, they're way bigger.

So what's the theory behind Japanese having the shortest? Is it just because they don't mix with other races as much? And so it's just their own genetics? Could be. There's a lot of factors. It could be also that it's an island. It's not the biggest place in the world. It's not a tiny island.

It's not like... On real islands, like real small places, they have a thing called island dwarfism. Where things on that island are like, that's, have you ever seen that little creature that they found? Homo floriensis is the hobbit man that they found that lived like 14,000 years ago. No. You've never seen that?

No. Oh, fascinating shit, man. 14,000 years ago, there was little people that lived alongside human beings that looked just like you or I. Mm-hmm. And they were these little tiny like hobbit like creatures they're like three feet tall and they were a type of human being not like human not like Neanderthal pull up the the images like there's an there's an image of homo floriensis that they made the Hobbit man and this in this island of Flores they found one and they thought it was was maybe a child's bone or something like that.

But then they realized that it was structurally different than a human being's and they thought it might have been just an aberration, like someone who had some sort of a disorder. And then they started finding more of them and they found out that they buried their young. They would find little graveyards and shit. They found stone tools. They realized they used tools and evidence

of use of fire. Pretty insane shit. Yeah, that's crazy. That's not that long ago, man. 14,000 years ago. And what's really crazy is there's people that think that there's something like that that's still alive today. Just in a small, their own isolated... Small islands, yeah.

See, that gives you an idea of it. But there's some good images of those things. But then you see, like, with the Neanderthal gorillas human beings like look how little those fucking things were they were a type of people right that's freaky shit man that is true yeah and it's a real thing i mean it really existed what is the big guy on the far right not neanderthal but the guy next to him yeah who's that dude? Jesus. That's a big fucking dude. That looks very ape-like, too.

Like, look how long his arms are. That's Jesus. What's it say? I can't read it. Middle, I don't know. Yeah, whatever it is, glad we moved past that. Those dudes would be running shit if they were still around. That looks like a combination of, like, Homo sapien and, like,

almost like a gorilla. Like, look how extra long his arms are i mean it might be just the artist's depiction that looks like a scary cat to run into on the savannah fuck all that well apparently there was a a bunch of um people that lived in russia too as recently as i think it was 40 000 years ago that were completely different than Homo sapiens, too. Another different type. 40,000? 40,000 years ago.

Wow. Denensians or something like that. Here, let me pull that up. Russian, new type of person, type of human, 40,000 years ago. Have you been to Japan before? Yeah. It's amazing. It's incredible.

It's a really interesting place because it it's it's first of all incredibly clean and unbelievably polite and like really almost crime free completely like when you walked on the streets you don't worry about shit every i mean you're in a major metropolitan area like tokyo yeah and it seems like the most peaceful place on earth very little aggression Everyone's very polite. People are like, whether it's shopkeepers or restaurant owners, like when you're walking on the street, you don't have any sense of chaos like you have in New York City.

Right. Israel already, oh, that's cool, man. Yeah. I want to go there. Yeah, here it is. It's in the National Geographic. DNA reveals lost relative from 40,000 years ago. Russian researchers dug up a sliver of human finger bone from an isolated Siberian cave.

The team stored it away for later testing, assuming the nondescript fragment came from one of those Neanderthals who left a welter of tools. I don't even know what a welter is. I never even heard that expression. Welter? Welter of tools. Should I be? Yeah. a welter is. I never even heard that expression. Welter? Welter of tools. Should that be... Yeah. Well, no.

Have you ever heard of that? What's a... W-E-L-T-E-R. Welter of tools. And it came between 30,000 and 48,000 years ago. Nothing about the bones seemed extraordinary,

but the genetic material told a different story. When the German researchers extracted and sequenced the DNA from the fossil, they found that it did not match that of Neanderthals or of modern human beings, which were also living

nearby at the time. So new genetic data revealed that the bone may belong to a previously unrecognized, extinct human species that migrated out of Africa long before our known relatives. That's 40,000 years ago, man. There was a different type of fucking human.

That went to Russia? That was in Russia, in Siberia. From Africa? Yep. So Africa sucked back then? Well, people always keep walking, dude.

They just keep going. That's just what's in us. We keep going. I guess maybe. People get to California and then they decide to move to Maui. Like, let's just keep going.

Right, but yeah, they got direct flights, though. Not back then. Just walk. Back then they had boats. That's crazy. Yeah. Let's just keep going but yeah they got direct flights though not back then just walk that's crazy yeah let's just that wasn't was that boats back that was just 40,000 years ago most likely no boats just straight up walking and walking and walking yeah they're starting to fucking backdate boats though they've uh they've backdated boats quite a bit I think they found evidence of uh tuna like oldest evidence of tuna, like way earlier than they ever thought.

Oldest known tuna boat. Tuna boat. The first dude to make a boat was like, man, I got to get the fuck out of here. I don't even know where I'm going. Well, they had it. Wow, dude, sweat this. They had boats. They were fishing boats in 310 A.D.

The earliest known boat was made. It's a 7,000-year-old boat found in Kuwait. That's the earliest known boat. But now they found evidence of deep-sea fishing 42,000 years old. A boat? This is the newest shit. Well, they found evidence of tuna bones. And tuna are deep sea fish,

so someone had to go out there and get these motherfuckers. The earliest known boats found in France and the Antarctic are only 10,000 years old, but archaeologists know that they don't tell the whole story. Wood and other common boat-building materials don't preserve well in the archaeological record. And the colonization of Australia and the nearby islands of Southeast Asia, which began at least 45,000 years ago, required sea crossings of at least 30 kilometers. So they know that 45,000 years ago, someone had a boat that could go about 60 miles. Right?

Isn't that what it is? Kilometers? 100 kilometers is 62 miles? No, the opposite. So it's less. Kilometers is less than a mile, correct? Okay. So a little bit more miles than that, like double.

Yeah, hundreds, yeah. Wow. 60 something. That's crazy. Yeah, whether or not these migrants put it. Is that how it goes? Because kilometer is. Wait, how many kilometers again?

How many? 30 kilometers. 30 kilometers is 20 miles. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay, so it's less. Miles are less than kilometers, right? Yeah.

Right, because 100 kilometers an hour is 62 miles an hour. All right. Okay. So 30 kilometers, probably 20-ish miles in a boat 45,000 years ago. Yet whether these early migrants put out to sea deliberately in boats or simply drifted from the tides in rafts meant for near shore exploration as a matter of fierce debate. So they at least had that. This is crazy, man. That's crazy that they think people were deep sea fishing

40 fucking thousand years ago. People had to eat. Yeah, but I mean, it's amazing. They found half of the fish in these areas that these people lived in off of Australia 42,000 years ago. Half of the fish they found were tuna and sharks that live in deep water. They also found a fish hook from a mollusk shell, a mollusk shell, and dated it to 23,000 years ago.

That's incredible. People were fucking doing some crazy shit back then, man. People were hungry, and they were tired of deer. Yeah. C well cows and like we were saying man they keep going people keep going they came here from fucking africa even if they this this these dudes that went from africa all the way to siberia and then they died there yeah was it that hot it was the heat that did it, right? Could be a million things. No food. Competition. No food. Driven away by predators.

Driven away by other humans. Who knows, man? Driven away that far? There's a lot in between Africa and Russia. And if they were doing it on foot, fucking A, man. 40,000 years ago, they might have been doing it on foot. It's very possible. They might not have even had horses.

Just walking. Or shoes. They probably figured out shoes, right? Or they might not have needed them. Leaf feet? I don't know. Leaf feet? Have you ever seen that show, I forget what it was called,

Dual Survivor or something like that? And there was two dudes, and they would go wandering around, surviving in the woods. Yeah. Like, their whole thing was surviving. Like, they would do a thing like Survivor Man, but there was two of them. It was a competition? No, they would just survive.

Oh, okay. They would just show you how you would create a house, and this is how you go catch fish, and this is how you protect yourself from rainstorms. But one dude, everywhere he went, he would go barefoot. His name was Cody. I think Cody he's got the nastiest feet

of all time he has like thick cowlaces all over the bottom of his feet like a shoe because he never takes his fucking he never puts his shoes on he walks everywhere so the skin on his feet

is just hard as a rock that's disgusting pretty disgusting probably when he comes to people's place they ask him to put shoes on. Yeah. Cody's coming over your house.

You give him your slippers. No, you keep them. You can keep them, man. You got to cover those fucking nasty feet. I eat in this house. I don't know what's flying off of your feet while you're wandering around. That is nasty. There's something particularly offensive about feet.

Like someone can have some, you know, you can have dry skin on your forearm and it doesn't really bother people. But if you got some... That's his foot? He's rubbing it with a rock? Why is he rubbing it with a rock? Is that a callus or some type of fungus? That white thing?

What am I looking at? You're looking at a foot. No, it's two other things there that's a big toe okay he's got his big toe right there what is that what is that that's his toe it is wrapped yeah i think what he's doing is he's pulling his toe back and he's rubbing it with a rock to make me i thought that was like i thought the white part i thought that was too much if i get hard I'll get scared. I don't know why he made that choice.

I'm sure he knows about shoes. It's got to be a more effective strategy. Marketing. That's true, right? He wanted to stand out from the other guy, be more memorable, get mentioned on the Joe Rogan podcast. That's a good point, man. And it worked out. It did work out because the other dude, nobody knows who the fuck he is.

Yeah. That's so true. Marketing is so important. Like, what does everybody know about Einstein? He's got this fucking crazy hair, man. Yeah. Not just the Eagles, MC Square. They know what he looks like.

He's all wild and nutty. Yeah. Nikola Tesla. No one knows what that dude looks like. No. Why? Because he was a slick little Croatian dude. Very slim, wore a suit and tie, looked normal.

Yeah. Nobody gives a fuck about that guy nobody cares nobody plays Nikola Tesla for Halloween but people will

dress up like Einstein everybody knows you're Einstein exactly damn you're right gotta get your look have you ever thought about

a look like perhaps like maybe something that people will remember you I mean you're talking about a catchphrase for a pig hunting

maybe you need like you know something catchphrase a pig hunting. Maybe you need something that really sets you aside. A catchphrase, a type of outfit or something. Yeah. Get the same outfit every time. Has anybody ever done that? Same outfit? Yeah, like a Bruce Lee outfit.

Oh, like a Bruce Lee outfit? No. Bruce Lee wore that Game of Death outfit. And if you see anybody in a yellow tracksuit with black stripes, you automatically think of Bruce Lee. Wah-ha! Remember when he fought Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in the tracksuit? I don't remember.

You don't remember, dude? Come on, son. You've never seen that tracksuit? Come on. I haven't seen a lot of the essential movies or television. You've never seen Bruce Lee movies? I've seen a couple. Oh, you need to see this.

Gabriel Iglesias is a comic that does that with his shorts. That's a good point. And he has the painting silhouette of him behind it as part of his stage set. Oh, does he? Yeah, always shorts and the Hawaiian shirt or something. And always a silhouette, even when he's at clubs? Not a silhouette, but like that logo will be behind him. And I'm talking about for his specials on TV.

Oh, for his specials. Yeah, and probably if he plays, you know, he plays, like, yeah, huge places, so probably he has some type of set piece or something. He does huge places, and he does clubs, too. Like, Gabriel will do, like, he'll do, like, nine shows in a week. He'll do, like, a 6 p.m. show. He'll do an 8 p.m. show, a 10 p.m. show'll do an 8 p.m show a 10 p.m show and a midnight show yeah he's crazy like that he does early shows for kids like families can come yeah do like a 5 p.m show when

it's light out wow he i think he holds the record for the most consecutive sellouts at the ice house sold out like some insane amount of shows in a row like he was there for two weeks in a row like every day yeah does mond Monday night shows and shit. I haven't seen him live. I've seen... He brings a lot of people with him. Brings a lot of stand-ups. Supports a lot of dudes.

Yeah. He supports there. He's a genuinely good guy. I remember Trevor Noah used to tour with him. And Gabriel was like, you got to get merch, man. And so Gabriel got him some shirts made up, and then Trevor said he was killing it on merch after shows and shit. Yeah, people love to buy shit if you got a catchphrase.

Yeah, man. If you got something. Bam, bam, we're eating ham. Joe Rogan. We need to make one, man. Come on, dude. Do it. We'll take you pig hunting, and when you kill a pig you gotta say that yeah that'll be your shit and then we'll start making t-shirts

definitely you don't get high when you hunt do you no i mean i know people who do i know a dude who deer hunts high yeah yeah he likes it he's an old hippie he uh smokes a little weed and goes out there. He don't look like a hippie, but there's a lot of hippie in him. He loves to take a one-hitter, take a blast, and then go out and go hunting. He feels like he's more in tune with nature. Yeah, I feel like if I shot an animal high, I'd freak out. Oh, no.

I've just taken life. It was once alive. Now because of my actions, it isn't alive anymore. Yeah. That's pretty deep. But you wouldn't get bummed out if you went and ordered a cheeseburger. If you went to In-N-Out, you're so disconnected from the process. It's just deliciousness.

It's just real fast, too. Do you think that's a part of human evolution? Is that there's a reason why we're moving past this whole hunting, gathering thing? And that in the future, that not only will not be necessary, but we won't even have those desires anymore. No, I think it's just convenience, man. People got jobs and shit. We can't be shooting pigs. For sure, for sure for sure but so if your lifestyle can sustain that that you know going out there and

waiting for two hours and taking a shot and skinning it and then cutting it and putting it on a grill and doing all that then it's cool but you know the reason food is processed how it is is because people don't have time to be fucking with that absolutely i mean people with regular jobs absolutely don't have time but there's also people don't want to be a part of it when people are moving away from it. And I wonder if that is all a part of the process that's going to lead people to develop artificial food. That's just like food that you get from animals because they've already figured out how to do that. They've already made science. They figured out how to make some sort of an artificial steak. It was unbelievably expensive, like $250,000 or something like that to create this meat that they've already made science they they figured out how to make some sort of an artificial steak it was unbelievably expensive like 250 000 or something like that to create this meat that

they grew in a test tube or in a laboratory somewhere yeah but i think that maybe like that's like the first echoes of this sort of cultural shift from from being hunter gatherers to being able to go to grocery store to there's no need to kill an animal because we're gonna make artificial meat and everybody would just eat scientifically created meat that's totally nutritious and healthy they'll fuck it up for a couple years and some of it'll you know some people get like some weird crohn's disease and shit like that from the artificial meat but then eventually they'll get it down so it's even more nutritious than like wild game. I don't know if I want to go that route.

I don't know either, but I think it's inevitable. Yeah? Yeah, I think so. I think there's a reason why. I think it's the transition. There's a reason why people find hunting distasteful. Even some people that eat meat. They don't even want to know how the animal dies.

They don't want to be a part of it. They certainly don't want to see a video, and they definitely don't want to be a part of it. They certainly don't want to see a video, and they definitely don't want to go shoot an animal. So why do they like meat? It tastes good, man. It tastes delicious. But why are they okay with that? Because I think that's like the bridge between us and then the new us,

which just figures out how to do everything synthetically, just recreate it just like they could recreate everything. I mean, they're going to recreate people for sure. If we stay alive for another thousand years, if human beings are still on this planet a thousand years from now,

we will have artificial humans that are indistinguishable. It'll be some 100% Blade Runner shit. Yeah, I feel like a thousand years is going to get weird.

I can't, sometimes I think about the future and get bummed out that I won't get to see how crazy it is. You might. Just based on how the shift has been during my lifetime. You say I might. You might. It might be so crazy you might actually get to see 500 years from now. I'm not bullshitting, man.

If you pay attention to guys like Ray Kurzweil and all these futurists that are at the cusp of technology that really understand what innovations are being created and all the different things they have on the pipeline. Yeah. They're getting pretty close. They're getting pretty close. They say that the person that's alive today is going to be the first person to live to be 150 years old. Wow. Yeah. And they think that that's just today, that that person will probably be alive to meet a person who lives to be 1,000. I just made that up.

You said it with such confidence, man. I only made up the part about that person. 1,000. Yeah, but the 150 thing, that's pretty much consensus. 150, I mean, but that's a lot. But, yeah, that feels more feasible because what is the latest? Has it been 117, 120, something like that? It's hard to tell

Because it's hard to find out Who's telling the truth When they get to be that old Those old cunts They don't have fucking paperwork They don't give a fuck They ain't got nothing Nothing to lose

Nobody's gonna challenge them Like yeah you do look old as fuck We believe you What's the point Society needs this story anyway Yeah who is Let's take a guess I'm gonna say

122 years old. The oldest person ever. I think it's 117, 118. Yeah. There's the oldest person. Let's find out right now. Oldest person ever was 116 years old.

Oldest living person. The oldest ever was 122. Oh, wow. Yeah, she's from France. What about those Bible folks? Oh, the 600-year-old Noah? What about those folks?

Well, I think their calendars were dog shit back then. They were talking about weeks? Yeah, their calendars were written down on stones. Happy birthday. It's Monday. Yeah, the idea that those people lived 600 years, that's hilarious. Hey, it's Monday. Yeah, the idea that those people lived 600 years, that's hilarious.

But what if back then what was going on is they were super technologically advanced and then the flood came along and fucked everything up and they had to start from scratch? And what if Noah really was 600 years old? Because Noah was a part of an ancient civilization that was far more advanced. That's why God got pissed. These motherfuckers, these dummies, are living to be 600 years old. All right, fuck this. I'm just going to start with Noah. I'm just going to...

Noah, you seem like a good guy. But? Yeah. Well, it's ridiculous. Yeah. It's also ridiculous that we are the children of Noah's incest. Yeah.

Was it Noah's incest? Who else is... Who fucks? I mean, how many people are left? It's Noah and how many people? It's family, right? Oh, you mean... Oh, you mean, yeah Noah's incest? Who else is, who fucks? I mean, how many people are left? It's Noah and how many people? It's family, right? Oh, you mean, oh, you mean, yeah, his incest, yeah. I mean, he didn't bring along a bunch of hot Swedish chicks for excellent genetic material

and just shoot loads into all of them. And even if he did, just that small gene pool. If Noah brought over 50 people and just fucked those 50 chicks, it was just him and 50 chicks, the whole human race would be a mess. The whole human race. All crazy interbreeding. It would take generations to fucking fix all that shit. Right.

Yeah, yeah. I'm not a... That stuff is all goofy. It's goofy stuff. It's definitely goofy, but there's people to this day that still believe it. A giant percentage. A giant percentage. Very passionate about it, too.

I try not to get into it with those types. I'm never in situations where I'm talking with a religious person or debating. I talk about it in my stand-up a little bit, and pretty much that's it. But it does baffle me a little bit. People get mad on Twitter.

Why don't you go after the Muslims? You're always going after us Christians. First of all, because Muslims are a more dangerous target, dummy. Okay, what are you, pretending? And second of all, because you're right here. You're right here. Right here in America. Land of the free, home of the brave. We believe in zombies.

My family has Christians. It's right here. Right here in America. Land of the free, home of the brave. We believe in zombies. My family has Christians. Yeah. I grew up Catholic. It's more relatable. I grew up Christian. So is this a different... Yeah. Yeah.

This is also a much more ridiculous place to get hoodwinked. You know, we're not living in some backwards fucking crazy culture that's run by some, well, sort of are, but not as much so as these ancient cultures. Yeah. These cultures that have been, you know, they have a lot of their ideas about what people shouldn't do are thousands of years old. They've stuck them.

Right. Yeah, it's just, it's really weird that I talk about people getting the Holy Ghost sometimes. Oh, that's great. I love that. Pentecostals? Pentecostals and Baptists where people are just like, ah!

Really? Are you doing that? It makes you feel like that. The Lord makes you dance. Speaking in tongues. Speaking in tongues. Is that you? Did you just want to do that and you just had this excuse,

using religion as an excuse? Are you speaking? That's confusing when religion turns into a reason for people to just act out and be weird publicly. I like when they do it on TV. You ever see Robert Tilden? You know who that guy is? Probably by face if he's a religious dude. He's one of the most ridiculous all-time dudes.

But he would, like, in the middle of his broadcast, Oh, so, so, la, ma, ka, la, ka, si, ma, ta, la. Totally, completely, obviously fake language that he was making up on the spot. Very repetitive. Very unlike a real language. It varies in tone and sounds.

He's uncreative with his sa, ma, la, ma, la, ka, la, ka, la, ka, ma. Ha, la, ma, la, ka, la, ka, la,reative with his It keeps repeating the same sounds over and over again. It stinks. I can understand the structure of it. That's him? Yeah. Is he speaking in tongues here?

And bread for eating will also provide and multiply. That's the opening of the Windows of Heaven. Oh, this is the farting preacher video. I want to hear him talking in tongues. Are they just putting in fart sounds? Yeah, they're putting in fart sounds while it's very juvenile. YouTube is pretty hilarious.

Yeah, I'm going to take this preacher, fart sounds, gunshot noises. You know what this needs? I'm going to take this preacher, fart sounds, gunshot noises. You know what this needs? I'm going to do a super cut of this, but I'm going to put this song over it so it looks like he's singing to this. You know what else the internet figured out that people outside the internet never figured out?

Memes. Yeah. Those memes. Yeah, pictures with words. Like a picture of you, bam, bam, we're eating ham. I mean, without a doubt, someone has made that. It's already happening.

Without a doubt. I'll go to my message board right now, and I guarantee you there is a photo up on my message board that says, bam, bam, we're eating ham, and it shows you. Or you. Because that's your catchphrase. No, it's your catchphrase. You said it, man. But I'm not hunting. I don't need it.

Man, I ghost write. I ghost write sometimes. But you said it. You said it. If you said it, it's up there, man. Without a doubt. I guarantee you it's up there. If it's not up there by the end of this broadcast, someone will at least be working on it.

That's the beauty of the internet, man. It is crazy. Oh, it's the greatest thing ever, man. We're so lucky as comics to be able to release specials and shit in this time. Like, your special is going to be on Comedy Central air Saturday night. Yeah.

But it also, you could get it online right now. Right. Right? For the people that don't want to wait, they want to have it on their computer. Go get that shit. Fuck waiting. Get it.

And can you play it on iPads and everything? iPads, everything, yeah. You can play it on your phone, everything? I think phone also, yes. Beautiful. That's beautiful. Yeah, see, look at that. This is a beautiful time for stand-up distribution, instant access,

where we could say, hey, man, Hannibal's a funny motherfucker. You need to go see Live from Chicago. Boom. Someone can go online. And at the end of my sentence, they're already clicking in. Yeah. It's incredible. It is a good time.

PayPal. Boom. And that's what the- Amazon OneClick. Are you fucking shitting me? The beauty is of Twitter and things like that, too, is I find out about new music. I find out about news and different things. Or if I'm in New York,

you know, I might just search. I'll search, oh, the city that I'm in. I'll just search this city, events, and I'll find out this person is playing a concert.

I didn't even know they were playing a concert, but I found out about it through Twitter. Or just saying, hey, what's the best restaurant here in Denver? And then people give you restaurant suggestions and then you go and then it's great.

So that's the beauty of Twitter and the immediacy of the internet is that access and just having that information and being able to use it. Fuck yeah. I use, because I use an Android phone, I use Amazon. Yeah. And so I use Amazon for music, for comedy, for anything. Yeah. And I was coming home from the improv in Irvine, and I said, I need to hear some fucking new comedy.

I'm like, everybody keeps telling me this Hannibal Buress motherfucker's funny. Let me go check it out. So I got this. I got Animal Furnace. Oh, yeah. Dude, it's fucking badass. And I got it within 10 minutes. Yeah. Within 10 minutes, I had it on my, I mean, not even. Oh, yeah. Dude, it's fucking badass. And I got it within 10 minutes. Yeah.

Within 10 minutes, I had it on my, I mean, not even. I was driving, and I was playing it within like 30 seconds. Right. And the whole thing was downloaded within a couple of minutes. I only had 3G at the time. I couldn't even get 4G. Yeah. And boom, it's on your phone, and you're listening while you're driving.

It's amazing. And it's good to, like, issues with fans. Like, I had one where my special in Chicago, some of the, yeah, when I shot the special, the ticket price was kind of low, so it got scalped kind of heavy. It got scalped, and then scalpers were online. I mean, people were writing me saying, I want to come to your show, but, you know, fuck it. I'm paying $200 for this scalper. I was like, fuck that.

Don't pay $200. You can donate to this charity, Mercy Home, and screen cap the receipt showing that you donated, and I'll put you on my guest list. You know what I mean? But that's just through Twitter. Oh, that's cool. Twitter, I just have angry fans buying scalp tickets, Twitter, I'd just have angry fans buying scalp tickets.

Which probably still is something, angry fans buying scalp tickets. But I was able to at least, in a couple situations where shows have been sold out or shows have been getting scalped, I'm able to put somebody on my guest list just because if they donate to that charity. That's beautiful. What's the charity? It's Mercy Home. And what does Mercy Home do?

Mercy Home is Chicago. It just helps young black kids in Chicago with programs and just education, after school programs and things like that. That's amazing, man. That's a great idea. That's a really great idea. Are you from Chicago? Yeah, I'm from Chicago.

Because Ari Shafir went. We were in Chicago. Ari and I were doing- Yeah, we went. Y'all were in the town. Yeah. It's the same. Yeah.

But UFC was happening. Yeah. We did the Chicago Theater Friday night And then Ari went And went and checked you out Was it Friday night Or Saturday night It was Saturday night

I shot yeah So he went and checked you out I think after the fights were over Yeah Yeah I think he went there Right after the fights were over Went and checked out your special

Yeah That's cool man Where'd you play in Chicago The Vic So that was this show That was this show Oh so this is fresh, man. This is fresh out of the box.

This was only a couple months ago, right? Yeah, we turned it over fast. How fast was that? When was it? It was two months. January or something, right? It was filmed January 25th. Wow.

Damn, that's perfect, though. Yeah. That way you get probably some jokes on TV if they're topical. Do you have anything topical that is still applicable today? That's nice. they're topical like do you have anything topical that like is still applicable today that's nice nothing really topical I talk about music a little bit

current music and things like that but nothing political what's up with the beach boys what's up with these guys beach boys

how about these fucking monkeys Duran Duran Duran Duran they're so weird they're always Duran they're always Duran

they're too sexy they're too sexy. There's something about them. I don't like how symmetrical they are. Yeah. It's one I always appreciated about Keith Richards and Mick Jagger. They're kind of ugly. They're kind of fucked up looking.

I like my music to come out of some people that look like they're experiencing pain. Yeah. Bam, bam, we eating ham. Look, I told you. It's impossible to avoid. The internet gives no fucks. And it's the right picture for it. It's a great picture. It's the right picture for it.

You're smiling with your TV teeth. You're on stage. TV teeth. So, besides your special, where else can people find your tour dates? My tour dates are on my website. It's hannibalburris.com. I think, yeah, I only got a few days coming up While I try to get this new shit together Oh, that's right, man

That's a thing, right? Yeah You gotta abandon the old And come up with some new Abandon the old Or go half and half or something So I'm working on it But yeah, hannibalburris.com

And I'm at the Knitting Factory in Brooklyn On Sundays Every Sunday? Every Sunday Unless I'm on the road But this Sunday coming up, I'm hosting. Oh, that's cool. So you host there, like you were talking about doing shows where you bring up your friends?

Is that what you're doing? Yeah, I bring up friends and have musical guests. Because it's the front bar, and then we have the main room that hosts about 300. So that's when I have a couple musical guests. Oh, that's awesome. That's a great idea. So yeah, it's this act, Bridget Everett, that's on. That's amazing great idea. So, yeah, it's this act, Bridget Everett, this song that's amazing. Have you seen Bridget Everett before?

No, no, no. She's just like this sort of comedy cabaret singing act, but gets crazy reaction from the crowd. People flip when they see it. What's unique about it? It's just really good. She's a great singer, but then she also interacts with the crowd in a way where she'll just put a random crowd member's face into her titties in the middle of a song. It's a crazy, just perfect live act. It's one of those acts, too, where it's a live act. Well, you can watch it on, you might have videos up, you can watch it,

and you're like, that's cool, but you see her live, it's like, holy shit. Like, I remember watching people watch, I like to watch how,

you know, you see people's reactions. I remember seeing some cats that only come and usually see stand-up in my show, but they're watching her like, what the fuck is going on?

But she's, yeah, she was real good. Then got Michael Che on that show. That's her right there? Yeah, that's her right there. Let me hear some of this. Whoa, what an aggressive woman.

A lot of men can't handle that, Hannibal. A lot of men get confused with a woman like that. Oh, that's hilarious. She just finds an audience dude and sits in his lap, and she's sweating all over him. And I bet that chick sweats a lot. That's hilarious. So you do this every Sunday?

The show is every Sunday. Well, I'm there, yeah. What made you decide to start doing something like that? How did you get that started? It was in 09. I had just started writing for Saturday Night Live, and I did the opening night at the Native Factory. It used to be in downtown Manhattan, and it moved to Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

I did opening night there, opening for this band, Lasavi 5. And then the management there said, we want to do a comedy night. And so at the time, I was writing at Saturday Night Live, so my only open night was Sunday nights. So I just started doing it, and it's built over time. It's built an audience. It used to be patchy audiences. It gets 20 people here, 30 people, but

now it's packed all the time. A lot of people drop in. Louie's been through. Chris Rock comes through a little bit. Chappelle's been through once. Amy Schumer comes. A lot of people come through to work out. It's a savvy crowd. It's high energy. It's a lot of fun. That's where I try out my new shit.

It's two blocks from my place, which is very convenient. Oh, wow. So you can walk to work i walked i at nine o'clock shows sometimes i'm in the shower at 8 50 now you told people though but this is the problem now that freaks are going to get near that area and scan out in a two block grid and try to figure out where where hannibal lives well i'm moving and since i'm starting to go on hunting trims, I'm all right. I like the idea of you hosting a show, too. That's a great idea, man. That's what, in Boston, that's what they used to do.

They used to have, like, the Steve Sweeney Show, like the Boston Headliners, and that guy would host, and he would bring up all these other comedians. It's a lot of fun. It's a way for me to kind of stay, you know, because if you once you headline and just go out on the road, it's easy to kind of get out of touch with who, you know. So it'll be comics that only been doing it for a year on the same of putting together a show, just knowing I should have this person on earlier, and that'll flow good into this, and this person should go second half.

So I still enjoy it. I book it myself and everything. So it's a lot of fun. It's a good spot to just always try new stuff there every week, and it's a fun time. Yeah, we do that out here at the ice house in pasadena if you're ever around man we do a lot of like wednesday night shows if you're ever here on a wednesday night and the same thing i'll it'll be me and i'll bring along like brian callen ari shafir duncan joey diaz will do it like all these different guys do it and having that same sort

of situation where you're trying to figure out he should go on after him and let's put him here and it's fun yeah it's fun especially when it works out the right way you're like to figure out, hmm, he should go on after him, and let's put him here, and it's fun. Yeah, it's fun, especially when it works out the right way. You're like, oh, that feels, it just feels good kind of producing something all the time and just, you know,

figuring out what, who we were, like, what comics the audience would respond, what comics the audience would respond to, that kind of thing. It's real cool. Yeah, I like what you're doing, too, though. You're adding the musical element to it too that's a great idea yeah the music

element it's just good for energy and it's just it's just mixing it up it makes it more of a old school so lately i've been having kind of rappers and musicians open open for me on the in addition to having a comedian i have one comedian yeah I've been doing Largo tonight, and this guy, Thundercat, this amazing singer and bassist, he's performing. And so it's just been real. It's just a different vibe, and it just adds another element to the show. Also, I just want to, I like giving people, I get, just because my ticket prices just started to go up, so I feel nervous.

So I want to give people as much of the show as possible, so I got to have a musician. I have a DJ with me because I do musical stuff during my set. I talk about different rap songs. The DJ will cue it up. I do a song at the end. Ballerinas come out. So I try to do it.

I'm like, man, people pay $30. I'm trying to do it up. So, yeah, I enjoy just trying to, you know, introduce people to, introduce audiences to new people and also just figure out just how to put on just a real show that people want to come back to. Like, it's all about making people want to talk about it and when I come back to their city, wanting to come again. Well, you're doing it because I keep hearing great things, man.

I keep hearing great things. Thanks, man. I've only done one show ever where i had music there was a joey diaz me and doug stanhope and honey honey this band that's uh they're actually going to be here tomorrow um and we uh we all did this uh show uh at the uh wiltern in la on december 21st 2012 because it was supposed to be the end of the world yeah, yeah, that was when the Mayans all the freaky people were thinking that it was It was an awesome night. It was an awesome night, but it was the only time I've ever done a show Oh, it was a fucking beautiful show. I wore a suit and everything. I never wear a suit. I was I

Wore slick clothes. It felt odd, but I liked it, but it felt good Like you know it was fun to do a big show, too. Musical guests. I've got to do more of those. Yeah, it just adds another energy to it, especially if the crowd is... The thing about doing it

is just making sure that music and comedy can work as long as people are a little bit... It can work as a surprise, but when people are built, it makes it better. Especially for the comedian

opening for a band. Yeah. If you walk out as a surprise, but when people are built, it makes it better. Especially for the comedian opening for a band. Yeah. If you walk out as a comedian for a band and they don't know that you're coming, like, this is the worst. Years ago, I opened for this band, Unfree McGee's. And I think the gig was in DeKalb, Illinois. It was about an hour outside Chicago. It's where Northern Illinois University is.

One of the bands, they saw me at Zany's in Chicago Comedy Club, and they asked me to open for them. And so I think they were on at 9, and then at 8.45, they tell me to go out, and the lights go down. And so there's been no announcement that I'm going on. It's just the lights went down, and then I walk out, and the crowd is like right away like, no! They just started yelling, I'm free!

Where's I'm free at? And it's not even the real showtime yet. I'm up 15 minutes before the actual start time. I was the only opener, but people were just so agitated because they didn't want to see a comedian. They bought these tickets probably months ago. And then some comedian they never heard of is walking out. But it just helps when just the audience.

So all of these, because they didn't know either. The band was just trying to put me in a good spot. They were like, we like this dude. He should be on the show. And now I'm known from doing shows that a situation like that, all it takes is for somebody from the band to even side stage on the mic or even come out and say, hey, we're going to be out in a little bit. We got this comedian we like.

Check him out. We think it's funny. And then that settles everything down. Yes. Because now that gives me credibility. Definitely. So it's just about the audience knowing what's going on, and then that makes everything work easier.

When I bring people on the road with me, I always introduce them from the side stage. I always say, thank you, everybody, for coming out and yell out. And just get everybody hyped up and let them know, like, I'm bringing this comedian because I think he's hilarious. I want you to see good shit. Yeah. So the people I've opened for have done that for me side stage. Like, Demetri's done that, Aziz, Louie.

It just helps. Yeah. Like, Demetri's done that, Aziz, Louis. It just helps. Yeah. From Gaffigan. Like, it just helps it, especially, I mean, your crowds might be a little bit more aggressive than some others.

No, they're nice. They're nice? Yeah, they're very nice. We do a show sometime, man. Let's do a show sometime. Let's do a show sometime. Let's do a show sometime. That would be awesome, man. Yeah.

I opened up for Bon Jovi once. Yeah? Yeah. Where at? I was in a theater in the round in, I think it was in Queens. And it was a long time ago. Yeah. It was ridiculous.

First of all, I wasn't that good. I'd only been doing comedy for like four years. And second of all, they didn't want to see a comedian. Yeah. You know? It just was a terrible idea. The whole idea was awful. Yeah.

And I'm standing on this fucking stage Surrounded by a drum set and guitar I can't move I don't know where to stand It was Hold on Was the Were the people

Like the rodeo Was they moving around Fixing shit behind you 100% That happens sometimes When music gets If a comedian They don't respect that

they're still fixing the sound. They might even bang on the drums a little bit and check the guitar. Oh, yeah. No doubt. Check things. Check the drums.

They don't give a fuck. They don't care about you. I'm trying to do my job the best way possible. Fuck you and your stand-up. Yeah, it was just bizarre, man. It was just bizarre being on a stage when

nobody wants you to be doing comedy. They want you to go out there and do comedy for people who didn't want to come see comedy. That's a totally different mindset. Going to see Bon Jovi and some unknown shithead telling bad jokes. Waiting for Bon Jovi. They also wanted me to work the crowd.

They wanted me to bring women up towards the front. They wanted me to grab the most towards the front. They wanted me to grab the most attractive women and ask them to come towards the front. They wanted to sort of engineer the front of the stage.

In the middle of your bombing. Exactly. In the middle of me eating dick. And there wasn't that many attractive women in the first place. It was like picking the ones who were attractive wasn't the best job. So were you able to do that at all? I did something. I mean, it was a picking the ones who were attractive was it wasn't the best job so were you able to do that at all I did something I mean it was a long time

ago it was a disaster whatever it was I remember getting out of there going okay now I know what it's like to open up for a band fuck that it went that was a nice crowd as far as like bands go that's a nice crowd yeah I just was terrible yeah shouldn't have been doing it I've had gigs with there's not I've done gigs recently over the past year would have been horrible gigs with music but I just bail early like if I could feel it in the first couple jokes all right this isn't fun y'all have a good will you still do it? Like, somebody called you up today and asked you to open up for a band,

would you still do it? It depends on the band. If I won't do it, it'd have to be a favor and just something. If it was a charity thing or if the money's right. But I'm not just going to turn down the gig because of it being for a band. It has to be, yeah, I have to ask some questions. Well, it's getting also to the point where people know who you are, too. So they come see you and the band.

They expect you and the band. It's part of the whole program. That makes a lot more sense than. Yeah, just me kind of floundering in front of a band. But I think it's been two or three gigs where I just say, you know what? I'm out of here, y'all. And I'll still call. I'll be like, my name is Hannibal Buress.

See y'all later. Like, I won't even. That's good. Because it's like, you know what? The gig wasn't right. But I know there's no bearing on what I could do. It just wasn't the right situation. Did you ever see the one with Charlie Murphy,

Tour of the Checkup? Yeah. Did you ever see that? He didn't really tear that check up. Well, he didn't. He didn't? I don't think he. Do you know for sure?

I think... I remember looking it up more. I think he kept that check and that was a show. I don't know. I know Charlie. He's kind of crazy. Yeah. Charlie would definitely tear up a check, especially if he had money and he's got money.

Yeah. He would tear up a check and tell you, go fuck yourself. Really? He's got a lot of character. Well. Yeah. That guy's got balls of steel, man. Yeah.

I'm the type of dude I'll tear up a check and then have my agent ask for the wire. On second thought, can you send that to this routing number, please? Yeah.

That's probably the more intelligent way of doing it, quite honestly. Just tear up a piece of paper. Fuck the check. I just want to think about your money. Fuck you bitch Yeah Yeah

A symbolic check Yeah Hannibal you're a funny motherfucker Thank you very much Thanks for having me This was real cool I enjoyed it very much man Okay Hannibal Burris

Go to HannibalBurris.com You can follow Hannibal on Twitter And definitely either Download it from Comedy Central Or watch it this Saturday night What time is it on again? It's on at midnight, midnight Eastern and midnight Pacific and 11 Central, and download it now if you want.

I like the name, too, Live From Chicago. Why fuck around? Why fuck around? Yeah, why fuck around? Hubcap shop in my old neighborhood. Oh, really? Yeah. Hubcap shop still around.

Yeah, Hubcap shop on North Avenue in Chicago. All right, that's it, folks. We'll be back tomorrow. We got two podcasts tomorrow, Adam Carolla and Honey Honey. And then Friday, it's Dennis McKenna on Friday. So we got a lot of crazy shit this week. Thanks to NatureBox. Thanks to NatureBox.

Go to naturebox.com slash Rogan and get 50% off your first box. Thanks also to onnit.com. Go to O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word rogan and save 10% off any and all supplements. All right, we'll see you dirty freaks tomorrow. Oh, April 3rd, I will be at the Fillmore in Miami Beach with Tony Hinchcliffe. And then where else am I? April 18th, Orlando.

Yeah, April 18th, I'm in Orlando. And the 23rd? What's the other one? Yeah, 25th, I'm in Baltimore. Both of those are with Joey Diaz. So Orlando is the 18th. Go to JoeRogan.net for tickets. Orlando's almost sold out, and Baltimore's almost sold out as well,

but there's still some tickets left for Miami. All right, you freaks. We love you. We'll see you tomorrow. Big kiss. Big kiss. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.