The Joe Rogan Experience - #480 - Duncan Trussell & DJ Douggpound

Episode Date: April 2, 2014

Duncan Trussell is a stand-up comedian, and host of his own podcast "The Duncan Trussell Family Hour", available on Spotify. Doug Lussenhop aka DJ Douggpound, editor, writer, musician, and collaborator of Tim & Eric and Eric Andre.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Good googly moogly. So Duncan Trussell and I, the other night, we worked at the Comedy Magic Club. We had a great time, very fun. And then I drove Duncan back to his house, and we sat around, and we watched a bunch of TV together, which is something I never get to do, man. Well, not even TV. We watched the Internet.

And I got to watch some of Doug's stuff. I got to watch Doug Pound, Poundhouse. Really, really fucking funny stuff. We were laughing really hard. How many did we watch? At least four or five, right? A bunch, man. We went through a bunch. It's so good because you just want to eat it because it's got like a through line happening and you just

want to keep seeing what happens next. It's so weird. I don't get that many chances to like hang like that if I'm not on the road. Yeah. You know, I don't have obligations. I don't have to be somewhere. So after the show, that was so fun. That was so fun to do. Yeah, man.

That was a blast. Yeah. It's so weird how easy it is in Los Angeles to just get sort of like reclusive and separated. That stuff doesn't happen that much. It was a blast. It doesn't happen that much it was a blast it doesn't happen as much as well we're just everyone's so self-involved we're all so busy and we're adults yeah i mean let's face it it's not like we're 16 year olds we can't like you don't get a chance to get reclusive what do you mean is that what you were saying no no no he's saying you get you don't get a chance to hang you don't get a chance to hang. You don't get a chance to hang. Oh, okay. Right. Because people get so sucked into their business and their jobs and their families.

Yeah. It really becomes, there's that old cliche that really does hold true. It's like, what's more valuable to you, money or happiness? Because sometimes you do have to make that sort of distinction. Yeah. Like you have to say, look, I could use some more money, but you know know what i will have a great fucking time if i hang out with my friends right now like what how much what how much should i spend trying to collect money how much should i spend hanging out with my friends because it seems like the friends part makes me happier so like how do

you figure that out and along the line i think a lot of us get obligations and mortgages and what have you that start leaning you towards the money side instead of towards the fun side. And that's like really what turns people into old men. Yes. That's how you get all hunched down and sick. Yeah. I like to say no to jobs. My main gig is like editing.

And it's hard to say no to a job when they're offering you money. Right. You work a lot. I've been working too much the last few years, but now I came to this realization that I got to start saying no to jobs. Now I'm here. I have a today off, and I can come and do this. Yeah. This is fun.

It's fun to just be able to chill, to have a day off. That's one of the things that kind of really scared me about doing that sci-fi show again. It was like, I don't want to be in that position again where I'm just like, every minute of every day is completely filled up. That shit's not enjoyable, you know? No. It's not enjoyable to be that busy. Like, that shit could fuck with your head.

At a certain point in time, your brain wants a break. Needs a break. But then when you're working on stuff that you want to be working on that's your own thing it doesn't feel like work at all it just feels i don't know like something completely different and that's what it's all about i like going into that zone but then you have to stop that zone and just do nothing for a while yeah can't only be in like crazy work mode yeah you gotta that's very smart of you that you've got to recover. Because some people don't get that and they get frazzled. Or then they find Adderall.

Yeah! No, then they start hating their work. They hate what they're doing. Yeah, that can happen too for sure. Or even worse, when they're not working, they start feeling guilty when they're not working all the time. Because they're so used to that. So even when they get a break, that break is just riddled with this sense of despair and guilt and like oh fuck man i hope i hope the next job comes i used to totally be like that with vacations i can never enjoy vacations i couldn't just relax couldn't just sit around i think i

should be doing something right now yeah i can't enjoy vacations most i mean they're mostly a pain in the ass especially when you travel yeah like a. So now I think being on vacation is staying at home and trimming a bush or something. For me, that's relaxing. Well, that's because you work so much. I think if you got tired of the same spot, though, a real vacation is fun. Vacations are fun if you're going with the right people. As long as they're not work, too, and you can all enjoy each other's company so much, you forget about the work aspect

of hauling all the luggage and all the bullshit and going to the airport. But if you go on vacation with people that you really love and that are fun to be with, it's really fun. Yeah.

It's a blast. Yeah, it's really fun. And if you can get away from a place that has cell phone service. At least you can dip out of it for a little bit. My friends are too junkified. They're never going to do that. I can't.

I'm hooked. But you can pick a place that you know that's going to be off their grid. Well, my friend Steve doesn't have a phone at all. He doesn't have a phone. Does he have a landline? No. Does he have a pager? His wife has phones.

She has a phone. She actually works for Google. It's kind of hilarious. Crazy. You know, she has these? His wife has phones. She has a phone. She actually works for Google. It's kind of hilarious. Crazy. She has these dope-ass Google phones. And he's a very bright guy, very smart guy. But he just feels like the intrusion. I mean, he's a professor at Stanford.

He feels like the intrusion of technology in his life is unacceptable. And he won't accept it. And I really love the fact that he's like that. You know, it's one of those contrarian things that sometimes is annoying when people go, I don't even have a TV. But with this guy, I know what he's really all about. He really is a brilliant guy who's thought this through.

And it's like, fuck you. My friend Brent finds me every minute of every day. Yeah, my friend Brent Weinbach doesn't have a cell phone. He only has a landline and an answering machine Good for him, man Look, if you could pull it off, good for you I can't pull it off, though I'd love it

I know, sometimes I'm sitting there hanging out with him And I'm looking at my phone and I look over at him I'm like, he's just content just having his surroundings Just being in that Yeah, he's better than us Yeah No, but I'm like, I love my phone. I'm not going to get rid of it.

Look, he wins, okay? But we win because we get phones. Yeah, you get to be the guy that everybody talks about. He lives on the mountain. He chops wood. He doesn't have water. He gets his water from the river. Get the fuck out of here.

He doesn't flaunt it. I'm not saying he flaunts it. No, I mean, the guy on the mountain doesn't either. Everybody talks about him. Oh, right. So he wins because they know he's up there. He becomes legend. You know, I've been listening to that Pressfield book, The War of Art again.

He says that checking your phone over and over again is resistance to the artistic impulse because you can't handle the fact that all of this stuff wants to come out of you and it's painful when it comes out or it's just intense. So you try to avoid that by looking at your phone all the time because it keeps you from seeing. What if Twitter is your art? Yeah, but is it really? That's a very good point. No, for some people it is.

Jenny High Five, for her it is. She says hilarious shit. Any comedian who's making jokes on there, I mean, I was sort of making a joke there, but it is some truth to that. My friend Slashling, you met her from Toronto. Yeah. Did you do Toronto with me?

Did you do Toronto? No, I've heard of her. Did you do Chicago with me? You never met her? I haven't met her. She's very funny. But she's just an internet comedian. I mean, she's never gone on stage.

She was trying to work her way to getting on stage and doing it, but she had some health problems. She broke her hip, and they have to take some rods out of her hip. It's a real thing where she can't walk for a long time after they do the operation. She's putting it off. But she's fucking hilarious. She's got a shitload of Twitter followers,

and it's all just that. So in that sense, he can't be right about that because she has like a regular job and she does use Twitter as her art. I think there's, yeah of course there's some like digital artist or something I'm just being a dick about semantics But I think that like there's a kind of processing that goes on

in your life where you're absorbing stuff you're seeing things and hearing things. A lot of the stuff you don't even know you're seeing and hearing and it's something inside of you is kind of processing and then when you like are always looking at the internet not tweeting those moments where you aren't making those great but what if you're worried about stories and stuff that's that's not a bad thing what's that what if you're reading things and learning new stuff well because then things that

you're reading are often like you're absorbing this kind of like did you see how a computer generated the first news story about the earthquake? It just spit out a news story about the earthquake. Like it's computer and it looked like a person wrote it. It's that easy to mimic that kind of writing. But that kind of writing is like so empty. It's empty calories where if you start absorbing other shit like really good writing like really really good writing or awesome non-fiction like that truman capote book in cold blood if you start like

bringing that stuff in then that whatever is processing inside of you those are the ingredients you know what i mean it's like i see what you're saying you're providing yourself with richer ingredients to flavor your life with to flavor whatever that next bout of inspiration is. The next thing that comes out of you, do you want it to be flavored with lifeless CNN articles about the fucking Malaysian plane disappearing mixed in with Reddit, today I learned that there's one chicken in Cuba. That shit's cool, but you've got to pepper it. It's nice to have other stuff. Then you get the book reader app and you gotta like pepper it with some it's nice to have oh yeah

then you get the the book reader app and you get in cold blood on your phone well yeah i'm you're talking about an audible but you're talking about audible.com anyway how amazing it is to use audible.com uh you know look you're totally right you're totally right i agree with you but i don't think it's neat i don't think it's a one or the other thing i think it's both i think for sure there's a lot of times when i'm distracting myself when i'm looking at my phone but there's other times where i'm actually like writing in a way right you know because like someone will say something i'll say what's a funny thing to say back to that huh and then i'll come up with something right like i'm exercising my create and i'm also interacting with people, which I think is important.

I really do. I think, at the very least, putting stuff out there, it's very important. It's very important that people, if someone wants to like you, they want to like you for your comedy, or they want to like you for videos that you put online, and they know you and they like you, actually,

like you, like you. They like you from you talking, and they like you from you writing things on Twitter. There's a connection there that I think is valuable for all of us. I get a lot out of other people's tweets. I get a lot out of other people's blogs. I get a lot out of other people's podcasts.

It's not just something that you and I are a part of the distribution of it. We receive it a lot. I listen to podcasts. I was listening to Radiolab all the way up here. You ever listen to that? Radiolab from NYC? It's fucking fantastic.

It's really good. It's about, do you know that expression, you can neither confirm nor deny? I heard that one. That's a great episode. Yeah, wasn't it really amazing? That expression came from a Russian submarine that the government found. And it was a nuclear submarine that sank.

The Russians couldn't find it and the Americans found it. And they pulled it out of the ocean. And when they were pulling it out of the ocean, there was like a Freedom of Information Act request to find out what they had gotten or what had happened. And they couldn't figure out how to deal with it because it was in 1974. It was post-Watergate, and everybody's kind of freaking out about privacy and about transparency in the press and about distribution of information that is important and constitutional. It's really kind of interesting in this day and age to listen to this story. So the CIA had a real issue because, on one hand, they have an obligation to keep secrets, especially if they think that those secrets could, if they got out,

could somehow or another endanger the safety of Americans. So they have that on one hand. And on the other hand, they had the Freedom of Information Act that said that they had to tell the people what was going on because they had requested. This is a freedom of information. You can't hold this information back. Did you find the nuclear submarine? So what they said was, we can neither confirm nor deny that we have found this sub but we can say that hypothetically if we were to find a sub that we would not talk about it for

interests of national security which is hilarious yeah and that became what they called a glomar response because it was global marine was the company that was pulling this submarine out. Submarine that was, by the way, some insane like miles deep in the ocean. Like they had to pull this fucking thing out. It was like insanely heavy, something like six million pounds. And they're pulling the submarine out like with a giant claw out of the back of a boat this huge rescue mission they involved howard hughes had to pretend that he was mining for oil there so that they could have cover for why they're there with his giant claw

so that the soviets didn't think that they had found it and they intercepted them in the middle of their their extraction it's like a way to lie without lying exactly it's like a way to lie without lying. Exactly. It's basically a way to say yes, but you can't say yes. Radio Lab NYC. You guys gotta download they're all excellent. They're so good. A nurse turned me on to it at this clinic where I get my back treated at and she was just raving about it.

So much so that I had to check it out. Yeah, they're really good, man. They're very refined. Yeah, it's totally different than what we do. Yeah. But it's... Very nicely edited. Yeah. Yeah, it's good.

What they do with the sound design is really cool. Yeah, it's really creative, but not intrusive. It doesn't intrude in the story. It doesn't intrude. It actually picks it up. It actually enhances it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, with podcasts, you're getting a kind of first draft that's all you're getting you don't get anything you mean podcasts like this unedited yeah yeah unedited podcasts are all a first draft and then with twitter too it's like you're it's like a lot of what the internet is is the preliminary phases of making something awesome but they never go on to anything else whereas Whereas like, it's good to take in stuff like Radiolab or stuff where people have tortured themselves. I don't know if they've tortured themselves with Radiolab, but you know what I mean? They probably have. People have agonized over, that's what standup is. When you're seeing a joke, you're seeing something that's been refined and refined and refined. Or in the process of that. Yes. Somewhere

in the middle of becoming whatever it's going to become as opposed to that first thing that just pops out. And it seems like people are more into that first thing that pops out right now than they are the refining process because refining is not instant gratification. Well, it's definitely that, but there's a very different experience to listening to Radiolab or Dan Carlin's Hardcore History, which is another one that is put together like a show, very well edited.

There's a big difference between those and a conversation where you're seeing the actual thought process play out with more than one person. You're seeing them bounce thoughts back and forth. You feel like you're part of the conversation. person you're seeing them bounce thoughts back and forth you want you you feel like you're part of the conversation right that's what's very different about something like this where they know there's absolutely no scripting whatsoever they know that we're going in here and we don't know what the fuck we're going to talk about one second to the next but there's so much to talk about it's impossible to run out of material and go so they're watching it all sort of form life so even though it is sort of a first draft or in some sort of a way,

it provides you a very different experience than something that is polished. When you watch an anchorman talk and tell you something on the news, who is that guy? Why is he talking like that? What's going on here? That guy's putting on a show. If you watch your very best friend give you that same piece of information in the privacy of your own home, it's much more impactful.

It's much more real. It feels, you know, if a guy tells you something horrible happened on the news and he's a guy that you don't even know if he's a fucking human. He's wearing makeup and he's got a tie on.

Why does he have to wear that outfit? Why is that outfit so important to distribute information? I need to be taken seriously. Right. We'll be right back with more Malaysian airline mysteries. It seems like it used to be taken seriously. Right. We'll be right back with more Malaysian airline mysteries. It seems like it used to be newscasters were more trying to fade into the background.

You know, they wanted to be like, they were there, but they weren't there. They're like talking furniture. But now it's moving more where it's their personalities that we're into. You know, especially on Fox News when they get those, like, super hot correspondents. Nancy Grace, I know what you're saying, Duncan, and you're out of line. No, I'm not. I'm not a piece of meat.

I'm a former prosecutor. She wears those handcuffs on her neck sometimes. Oh, I bet she does. But you've seen that, right? It always makes me think she might be into SNL. I don't really watch a lot of Nancy Grace. She's into bet she does. But you've seen that, right? I bet she does. It always makes me think she might be into SNL. Oh, fuck yeah, she is. I don't really watch

a lot of Nancy Grace. She's into gluttony. Look at her. She's just, oh, just fucking peeing on me. She used to tie me up, cover me with soap. She just loves everything.

She just takes it all in. As soon as she gets out of that stiff, tight job, she just gets oil poured over and her toes massaged and shit. She's probably just a phenom for attention after that. Her toilet paper is probably just pictures

of kidnapped children. She's probably not gluten free. The opposite. Like exclusive gluten. Gluten exclusive. What's fascinating about a show like hers or Bill O'Reilly's is that the personalities become like the main thing. And people want to

tune in every week to see what the personalities have to say about the news. So it's not just about, I'm Walter Cronkite and here's the news today. Very professional but sort of impartial. What people want is these editorial type shows. These Bill O'Reilly shows. We get to hear opinions. It's on a news channel. But is it news?

Right. I guess it's kind of news-ish. No. It's a fucking opinion piece, man. You're telling me that during that half hour you have to talk about dead kids? That's the only thing you can talk about. You have to talk about dead kids every week during the same half hour. What are you doing? Isn't there a lot of shit going

on in the world? Not just one dead kid in Florida that you keep fucking harping on. this is anything i mean it's important to talk about dead kids in florida it's important especially when you're selling phones especially when you're selling cars you got to lure people in man nothing will sell a car faster than a cliffhanger where you come back to find out how the kid got raped how do you explain the duct tape on that child's wrists? We will talk more about how baby Eugene was sodomized in Australia after this break. Cuts to a fucking Ford commercial. They never go to Australia.

They don't have to. They just data mine in Florida. Why leave Florida? Florida has everything you want if you're CNN or Fox News. It is. Anybody looking for some fucking shit to get mad about. Have you seen that Twitter, Florida Man on Twitter? Oh, yeah. It's the best.

It's awesome. I'm going to Florida tomorrow. I'm going to Miami. It's going to be fun. But the thing that I like to think about is, like, I know that ad space costs money. And so that means the story before the ad space is making the news money. So, like, when a plane crashes in some kind of way distant way but in some kind of way that plane crash is going to make cnn some

money because it's selling ad space and when a disaster happens they have more viewers watching so then just a regular news week with general yeah. Yeah, fuck yeah. And that's why everyone's getting angry at them. Like, Jon Stewart did, like, a whole takeoff of CNN, their non-news coverage of the Malaysian Airlines, how insane it is. There's no news, but they will make news stories out of nothing just because they know you're going to tune in. Yeah.

Yeah, and that's kind of... It's something about that. It's like black alchemy, you know? Yeah, it's vulture. Yeah, you're taking disaster and catastrophe, putting it through this lens called the news, and at the other side, you're getting paychecks. And it's all negative.

There's almost nothing positive on in the news. If you stop and look at the national news, whether it's CNN and all, they're focusing on crises after crises after crises. But that's our fault as people because that's probably what we want to look at more. Honestly,

I don't think we have enough power. I don't think we have enough power as consumers. I think the idea that it's our fault that they push this on television, it's much more their fault than it is our fault. The reason being is that, one, A, they're profiting, okay? And, B, they are choosing what to broadcast.

And when you get people in a loop, any kind of thinking or behavior loop, it's very hard to get them out of that loop. And if they're in a fear loop, they're in a fear, destruction, downfall of the economy loop, war with syria this and that and iran's got of that and hitler's fucking cloned yeah when you get in that loop man that's a hard loop to extract yourself from from it's like it's why ideologues on either side especially like on the right like when it comes to like certain subjects. They lock on to those subjects, and there's no wiggle room at all. At least CNN will have something like Dr. Sanjay Gupta

turns around totally on weed. I mean, 180 degrees. Now is promoting it. Now is talking about all these children that have had horrible diseases, and they found cannabis is the only cure for kids with seizures one kid was getting like 300 seizures a week and they got it down to one with marijuana this kid was like seizuring constantly all day and the parents were helpless watching it and marijuana cured it at least got it down to one minor seizure and now

she's developing all these all this muscular control, and she can walk in ways that she's never been able to walk before. I mean, it's an incredible story. And that would never be on Fox News. No. They just wouldn't go with that. No way. They wouldn't go with that.

No. They found some reason why gun control might be a good idea. Like if there was some study that came out, it wouldn't even be considered a debated you know it'd be just attacked attacked yeah you couldn't have someone come on that was like a really brilliant thoughtful republican that said listen i never thought about gun control before but this new study tells me like maybe we do need a much more stringent set of guidelines it's fucking cool how if you go back and watch early Fox News

howling about Obama, who I wish didn't blow people up with drones, but there's some good things about him too. You know what? There is. It's not all black and white, but they were like, this guy's going to ruin the country. He's going to crash the economy. We're all fucked.

Meanwhile, the economy's doing much better right now is that true yeah are you sure yeah i don't understand it well the stock market's doing pretty good yeah but i keep hearing it's inflated i keep hearing they're we're ready for another bubble to collapse and they've just sort of built up the economy i don't know man i i don't know it's so confusing because you don't know how much of that is just more fox news people I don't know either. That's why I'm confused. It's so confusing because you don't know how much of that is just more Fox News people desperately trying to ignore the fact that the worst nightmare for many of them happened,

which is that a black man got elected. And then on top of that, he fixed the crater that George Bush had put on the country. Like when George Bush left office, he left office like a villain in a Batman movie, walking away from a buildings that had been just trashed he got us into this shit war and in remember the yeah he got us in this shit war for no that administration definitely was pretty fucking growth an embarrassing war and he stood on the aircraft carrier with victory in the background like an accomplished came out

of a fucking helicopter or something like Like drunk. He seemed like he was drunk. He'd been like snorting blow all night and been like, fuck it, let's have a victory celebration. I can neither confirm nor deny that I agree with Duncan on this. I thought of a... He's demonizing George Bush. It wasn't George W. Bush.

Fuck that. George W. Bush was a fucking demon. Look at that evil man. He was an evil little wizard. Put a black robe on that son of a bitch. Mission accomplished. Yeah, come on. Look at that guy. Put a black robe on him and it just fits. Well, I'll tell you what.

He is certainly a classic historic figure. When all is said and done and they go back in time, they go back in time and tell stories about the George Washington cherry tree incident and I cannot tell a lie and all that nonsense. And then the dumbest president. Yeah, well, he was a symbol of, you know, the excess of this era. And we never learn from the stories of history. Like, no one's learning from Rome.

No one's learning from, you know, ancient civilizations that collapsed due to excess. But you see, it wasn't just excess. George W. Bush seemed dumb. Remember, everyone started getting dumb. The whole country started getting dumb because dumb people were like, this is our time.

We can be presidents now. Look, if one of us has made it to the top, any of us can make it to the top. You know that one person that gets upset if you lose weight? Come on, bro. We've all got guts. Let's keep our gut. Like, no, man.

I think I'm going to lose some weight, man. Come on, bro. Have a fucking beer. Don't go to the gym like a homo. You know, there's people like that. They'll mention, like, however you lost it, like whatever, paleo diet. Paleo diet, everything you do. Yeah, that shit ain't good for you, bro.

You're going to get osteoporosis. It's not going to get enough fucking calcium B12-7 in there. I think that's real similar. I think it's real similar. People are fucking ridiculous, man. They want to slow you down. If the president's stupid, like, come on, bro, we could be fucking stupid. Yeah.

Be all reading and shit. What are you, a fucking reader? You're going to ruin this country with your stupid fag reading. Yeah. Meanwhile, probably when the cameras were off, he probably had a British accent. That's, I was watching the fucking Inside Walking Dead. Oh, yeah. You know, they have those things where they talk to the cast members.

Rick is fucking English. What a great actor. He speaks in a proper English accent. There's a moment on the show where you're like, wait a minute. I thought you were Rick. We talk like this. That's a fake, completely fake cowboy Georgia accent. I thought he was really a southern guy.

It was so good. I thought he was from the south. Have you been watching Walking Dead? No, I've been getting into House of Cards. I only do one show at a time. I heard that show's amazing. It's great. You know what else is amazing?

Pound House! Where can people watch that, man? Where can they watch your show? If you go to YouTube and just type in Pound House, it'll show up. Do you have a website for it? Is it just YouTube? Because we watched it on Duncan's Xbox, which I've never done before. I have an app.

If you have an iPhone, there's a Poundhouse app, and you can watch all the episodes on the app. Really? Yeah. Why don't you make an Android one, bitch? Why the fuck not? We're on the iPhone. My friend just made it for me.

He doesn't know Android. But Poundhouse, is that Josh? Yeah, Josh is like a YouTube channel network. And then they also have this other network called Buh, and it's on that one called Buh. Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's YouTube channel networks? Yeah.

Yeah, that's the new thing. Whoa, that's kind of weird. I don't know how i feel about that i'm confused it's pretty cool i mean they fun it's cool because it like they get money from somewhere to fund this crazy shit which is kind of awesome right so how are they doing that so they're they're becoming like a network online yeah huh i think it's cool because i mean they my show probably wouldn't have happened unless someone funded it. They were like, make some episodes of this.

Because you need that. You need weirdos with money to let good stuff come through. Because if you pitch, imagine pitching Pound House to some normal square. Oh, that would ruin it. Yeah, they'd be like, well, make it be like this and for this demographic and blah, blah, blah. Make it more for girls. Make it skew female. Remember, me and Duncan got that note once.

Can you skew female? Oh, come on. Please tell me the context. Please tell me. Well, you know, the cool thing is it totally worked out, which is that we were – it's this show that is coming out on MTV Other at the end of April. Which is another YouTube sort of like online, whatever, web channel. Called Story Pig.

But we had originally pitched it to them as a show called Creeps. Creeps was the name of the show. And we're like, we just want to do really dark comedy sketches. And one of the questions we got from them. No, they were like, what's the show about? Well, it's like, you know, imagine like a serial killer. We had like a list of stuff like serial killers like what if a serial killer made a sketch show like something like that and then the one of the things like cool we love it and

then like next week they were like can you you say it can you skew female to make it more female friendly it's called creeps like creeps what kind of conversation is that like they bring you in like it described to me the scenario are that like they bring you in like it described to me the scenario are you in a room with these no it's like an email it's an email but then we said no we can't and what's cool is they let us do it and they were they were really cool and they didn't give us any they they they didn't really give us notes that many they didn't give us no they were totally cool they were super cool so that was awesome but you get that that's what you get from the internet and that's what you get once in a while you just say i can't you know it's

not gonna work i have to do my own thing and I can't, you know, it's not going to work. I have to do my own thing. Exactly. If they let you do it, it turns out good. Like Poundhouse, I didn't get any notes or anything. They just said,

is your episode done? And I just turned it in. So cool. That's why it's so weird. You know, you can really tell it's one guy's vision. If there was too many people

involved in that, it would get fucked up. And it's not that, and again, it's not an either or thing. It's not that too many people, like sometimes, a bunch of people can work together and or thing. It's not that too many people, like sometimes, a bunch of people

can work together and they can produce a masterpiece. Yes. You know, they just work together great and they know how to do it and they enhance each other.

But a lot of times a show like yours, like the only way to really do it and have it that unique and interesting, you gotta have nobody fucking with you.

Can we watch an episode you didn't watch yet? Sure. Can we watch the skateboard episode? It's like kind of a music video, though. It's so funny, though, man. We should...

But it's your shit, man. If you feel weird of watching something with us, we don't have to do it. It's up to you. We'll leave it up to you. Why don't you watch it? Duncan, if you think that's a good one to watch, we'll watch it.

Which one do you think is a good one? Did you see the one with Duncan? No, I didn't. I only saw one when Duncan's in very briefly. That's story. That's more story. The skateboard you could watch. I only said that one because you don't.

I think people would appreciate that one based on the things you serve me. Yeah, it's pretty good, but I don't know, man. Okay, whatever. How about I go pee and you play whatever you want? Okay, yeah, you go pee. Go pee. Don't jerk off, man. That's not necessary. Jerk off. If you get tense, Go pee. Don't jerk off, man. That's not necessary.

Jerk off. If you get tense, sometimes that's the best way to handle it. Just let it out. Okay, so what is the episode called? What's the skateboarding video? It's called Poundhouse Skate. Poundhouse Skate. All right.

We're going to watch this and we're going to talk shit about the listeners while this is going on. We'll shut our mics off and enjoy this. All right? And if you're listening, it's not as good as watching it right now. Yeah. Because it might not even work. Oh, yeah.

I forgot about this. This is the listeners, and there are people watching. We can't show it. You're right, Doug. Why didn't I listen to you? You can't show it. Show the one that you're in.

Okay, show the... Dinner. Okay, which one's that? Dinner. Dinner. Thank God we were thinking ahead. It would have just been un... And people say, pot fucks were you thinking

It doesn't at all Not at all Never has not once We forgot about fucking iTunes We forgot about I forgot there was an audience 9 million people every month Okay let's watch it.

Today my guest on the Poundcast is comedian and annoying friend, Brendan Walsh. Shots fired. Sells things with you and the lady. She's kind of mad at me right now. Why is she mad at you? I took her to my friend's mansion and she wanted to stay. You know how girls get all pissed off about stuff. Well, if you really like her, you should do something special.

You should have Frog come over to your house, cook you guys an intimate dinner. Who's Frog? Who's Frog? He's like the number one LA celebrity chef. How am I going to get the number one LA celebrity chef to my house? I'll text him right now. You're friends with the number one LA celebrity chef? Yeah.

Frog's food is totally mind-blowing. He uses ingredients that you didn't even know were ingredients. Like what? Like, oh, it's on for tonight. Tonight? Yep, I'll be there, too. Why will you be there? Seat you guys, help Frog plate the food, make sure you're good on refills.

Okay, well, if my girlfriend doesn't like it. I'm gonna have to There's a lot of shit you people are missing if you're not watching this So this is how it's gonna work there's not gonna be a menu or anything Frogs just gonna bring out the food. It might look kind of weird, but just eat it because trust me it's going to be amazing. Awesome. Thanks. Here he comes. Hi. Hi. My name is Frog. What we have here is a poison oak salad. It's topped with sun-dried acorns. Those are cactus needle sprinkles. The whole thing has been drenched in a rattlesnake venom vinaigrette. And here's some Amazonian ayahuasca tea to wash it all down. Enjoy. Thank you, chef.

I don't know about... ...queens and oak salad? You're so boring. This is exactly what they're talking about. You never want to try anything new. I'll try it, I'll try it. It looks good. Thank you. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, How's everything tasting, guys? So good. I think I'm allergic to it. You're so lame.

I know, right? He's the lamest. So, are you two ready for some dessert? Yes. Yeah, what's it gonna be? Um, maggot cake? Close. It's chocolate cake.

Oh, that looks actually kind of good. What's that stuff on top? Well, that's semen. Brendan and I frogged all over before I brought it out. I'm sorry my friend's so stupid. He's so stupid. He's so stupid. Well, you know what?

I don't think it's working out between you two. You know what? I think you're right. You want to go get a burger? I would love that. Let's get out of here. OK. What?

What are you doing? We're done. Let's get out of here. Okay. What? What are you doing? We're done. That's hilarious. Where the hell? Brendan? Frog? It's basically over. Oh wait, no, one more.

Frog! One more part. Oh shit. I'm ready for my dance that's somebody watching prepare the music watching all that play out on a security camera that's a new addition well if you guys are listening you gotta watch it because it's so much of it it's so weird david lynch like and just cool lynchian i I believe. It's very, very visual. It's very visual. But really distinctly you. You can really see the same vision and the same sense of humor in every episode.

It's really fun. Thanks, man. That's one of the cool things about something like that where one guy is doing the whole thing. I've got to give it up to Brent Weinbach because he's kind of like my co-writer on it. He brings a lot to me. He's hilarious of like my co-writer on it. He's fucking hilarious. He's hilarious.

That character she plays is so bizarre. It's so strange. I love that one line when you're in the, I was telling him the line when you're doing the open mic in your living room. We should collaborate together. Oh, that's what's up? You have to see him do it. In the context of that fucking strange character, and you're watching him for a couple episodes in

a row it's like oh my god i couldn't stop giggling it's really really funny stuff man man i think that tv is just gonna get better and better because of stuff like that because it creates competition and people they can they get to see what's happening without the big risk because when you're making a tv show there's so much risk involved that you can't really there's so much money at stake rather than it to take a big risk is insane you want to just go by the median what the like middle of the road because that's going to sell the most advertisements but when they start seeing people actually like stuff like that and respond to it then then TV is just going to keep, hopefully, will get better. Well, the internet has changed the whole fucking game because the same people that watch Big Bang Theory, watch Decapitations. It's like the same people.

The same people watch a Kim Kardashian sex tape. The same people will, it's just humans. Just give humans access to what they want. People will, it's just humans. Right. Just give humans access to what they want. And when you limit shit because you think somehow or another it's going to bottleneck the amount of money you're able to suck out of a show, all you're doing is you're limiting how many people are going to watch that thing.

Yep. I want to see decapitations on that Big Bang Theory. That would be amazing. Can you imagine that's when they ended it, like a red wedding? Fuck. All the characters, they all have their own guillotine. Yeah. Like 12 guillotines all lined up.

It'd just be great. They all just get kidnapped somehow by like a real actual killer who's like doesn't understand what they're saying. He doesn't even speak English. He doesn't even get their jokes. Just starts chopping their hands off and their feet off he's crying while he's doing it that'd be so great it'd be so artistic and beautiful and wonderful it's that that's what's weird about like bill o'reilly or the big bang theory or any of those shows is they have this perfect opportunity at any moment to blow people's minds by just making a 180-degree turn,

just turning in some complete opposite direction. Let me direct an episode of Big Bang Theory with no notes. Yes. It's going to be a lot of work. Direct it, but you'd have to write it too. Well, if I have creative liberties with the script. Yes. If I can get as many guillotines as I want.

God, that'd be so fun. That'd be so fun if they had to do that. Once a year, they had to let underground artists edit and direct their shows just to see what it would turn into. Why? That would be a terrible idea. It'd be fun for me. Yeah, it'd be fun for you. But with just low stakes shows like sitcoms.

Right, but it's not low stakes because imagine if it was your show and then some fucking DJ Doug Pound comes along and he's like, I'd like to direct your show for a week. Like, fuck you, man. We're going to kill your whole cast. No, you're not, man. No one wants to watch that shit. Listen, man, trust me. Seven guillotines. It's going to be awesome.

They wake up and it's all a dream, though. That's the caveat. Blossom becomes a demon. Yeah. They all start eating babies. Blossom becomes a demon. Yeah. They all start eating babies. They have baby salad every day. But we'll just use rubber baby dolls. Don't worry.

But if Bill O'Reilly came out for one show in drag and just is like, this is who I am now. Doesn't really explain it. Same guy, even. He's the same guy. He's just like, this is who I am. This is how I've changed. Deal with with it that would be as big as g that would be as big as jesus that is how jesus will come back it will be bill o'reilly i'm now willamina willamina o'reilly yeah and he starts slowly beginning a transformation to to the female gender yeah yeah that would be incredible and it

just tells you like the reason why he was that. It's just he was scared. He was scared all the time. Yeah. That people find out that he identifies with being a woman. And that's where all the hate came from, the homophobia, all the Jesus love, all that craziness that he was into. He just wanted to be a woman. Yeah. And then he just starts putting pictures of his new surgical, crusty Bill O'Reilly pussy up on the screen.

And people just, It causes waves of suicides. But here's what's crazy. People still spot him out at night dressed like a man. He looks perfectly normal. They realize it's just a fucking scam like everything else he does. He's not really becoming a woman. He's just a bullshit artist.

That would be one of the greatest roles on television. No, it's what happens is you realize someone's blackmailing him. You realize somebody has something worse than that, and they're like, listen, Bill. That's like a House of Cards movie. Here's what I want you to do on your show. What do you think? Oh, my God. You know, I've got these pictures of you fisting chimpanzees at the Bohemian Road.

They wanted it. The chimps wanted it. I was doing it for Jesus. Tie goes in and tie goes out. You don't know why I fist chimps. Tide goes in. Tide goes out. Who can explain it?

Who can explain it? God moves in mysterious ways. While they're fisting. All right, all right, I'll wear a dress, you fucking cocksucker. But I'm not when I go out. That's my deal. My personal life yeah it's so it's so fascinating man and that's the descent that's it's like deceptive

i get it with artists and actors they don't have to reveal their personal lives to anybody they don't they don't have to but when you have someone who's an actor like bill o'reilly and we don't know who he is or what he's really like but when you have someone who's an actor portraying themselves in this way as this unchanging, just monolith of conservatism, then I think it's not fair because you know that guy's got serious fucking problems. Yeah, but doesn't Bill O'Reilly think of himself as an actor? He doesn't, I don't think. He thinks he's being, or maybe he is,

you know, genuinely being just who he thinks he is. I think there's certainly, there's certainly moves. He certainly makes moves. Like the whole tie goes in and tie goes out thing. The guy went to Harvard, okay? He's not an idiot. He knows fucking gravity causes that. He knows the moon

causes that. He knows that. He knows. So, when he's saying shit like that, you can't explain that. He knows the moon causes that. He knows that. He knows. So, when he's saying shit like that, you can't explain that. He's trolling. He's getting ratings. He's getting ratings. He's getting people on his team. I mean, he most certainly is. Do you think it's possible that the whole missing a Malaysian Airlines thing was

the plane was hijacked by CNN for ratings? Is that a possibility, Duncan? Follow the money. Follow the money. Who made the most money off this Malaysian plane crash so far? It's definitely CNN. CNN is raking in the dough. Everybody who had

those last moments of plunging into the ocean, looking at the person next to them, screaming, registering that this truly is their last moment in this dimension, their spirits can take comfort knowing that they didn't die for nothing. CNN has made probably $300,000. No, that plane never existed,

and those people on that plane never existed. They were completely fabricated names. Dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun. And that plane will never be found. It was an endless amount of relation airplane stories. You know, that sounds completely preposterous, but you know that that

was actually what they proposed during Operation Northwoods. What is that? What was that one? The Northwoods document was the thing that the Joint Chiefs of Staff signed and President Kennedy vetoed. And the idea was to fake a bunch of attacks on America

to blame on the Cubans. And one of their ideas was to take a drone airliner, and they were was to fake a bunch of attacks on America to blame on the Cubans. And one of their ideas was to take a drone airliner and they were going to say that a bunch of people were on board and then they take the people off and they put them in buses and they shuttle them off to somewhere because they could fucking finagle people who worked for the government in the 1960s. They had a bunch of fake names. Fly the plane up in the air and explode it.

Blow the plane up. And then they were going to have fake relatives like, Oh, I lost little Billy. Meanwhile, little Billy doesn't even exist. He's not even a real person. So this plane blows up because it's a drone. And then they were going to arm Cuban friendlies and have them attack Guantanamo Bay. And they were going

to use all this, blame it all on Castro, so we could invade. Fascinating. Man, that reminds me of your awesome joke. It's an old joke. But the thing about if we ran at a Roman emperor, if we just decided. You know, like that's it's like the empire is hogtied right now because it's got to pretend to be a democracy. So it's got to come up with shit like that instead of what they used to be able to could have done back in the old days, which is there wouldn't even just there wouldn't be a question. Yeah.

You just go take the island. We're scared because then they would also take us. You know, like, we need a populace that is very complacent, and we need a populace that's terrified of violence, even though violence is, like, super important in order to keep control of the populace. But we need a populace that's looking for civilization. We don't need a fucking entirely armed group of 300 million savages that are ready to fuck people up and

take their oil that's the last thing we want so we want some sort of surrogate taking the oil and some people that we know where there are heroes and they're over there somehow are involved in oil freeing people freeing people from their need to pay more for oil or control, whatever the fuck it is. But as long as the general population is wearing their nice ties and listening to the man on the news and not freaking out and wanting to cut his throat, as long as they're not all going fucking barbarian Mongol style,

because once they start killing a few people, kill a little here here kill a little there People get used to it. They get used to a pretty goddamn easy, and then they start thinking about these Cunts that are running the government they start thinking about these shit heads like Abusive cops you see that video that the thing in was it Arizona Arizona riot this cop blindsides this kid Yeah, a little girl what a young girl. Oh, yeah. Did you see that? A little girl. What? Watch this.

A young girl. Oh, play it. It's fucking horrific. So fucked up. Yeah, what happened to that cop? What happens to him? I don't know. We'll find out.

But what I'm getting from people that were there, a lot of people that were there tweeted at it. They were saying the kids were definitely out of control. Kids were drunk. It was getting to them. But he was saying that the cops seemed like they were enjoying fucking people up. Like they were running around and just randomly fucking people up. And a lot of people have a real problem with that.

A lot of people have a real problem with that. They're not finding the dangerous people. Look at that. Look at that girl. I mean, come on, man. How is that even possible? Watch again watch that again there's a little girl i mean she's not big at all man i don't know what she could have done but that cop just blindsides her and sends her over a bike rack i mean that is fucked there's no way on earth that guy needed to do that. There's no way. The only

way would be if that woman was coming at him with a weapon or coming at someone else with a weapon and he was saving someone's life. What he just did there is like either some PTSD that he's like he's fucked or he's a sadist or whatever

the fuck it is, that guy does not need to be a cop. They need to remove that guy does not need to be a cop they need to remove that guy that's there's no way a man in that position of power should be able to do that that woman was not a threat he was a big guy she was a small woman there's no way that i have a reason that he should have done it maybe he's a time traveler and at that moment she was about to meet this guy and that he was going to get her pregnant with the next Antichrist. And so he knew that if he just slammed her down that once, he might have saved millions of people's lives.

You might be right. He might be in jail right now, handcuffed behind his back, speaking in tongues. Yeah. You can only stay in this time for a couple of days before you start going crazy. Yeah, the further you get away from your original timeline, the more insane you get.

Space-time continuum just fries your hard drive you're like got his fucking handcuffs what's that in tongues what's that famous time traveler i'm sorry i didn't mean to derail john teeter yeah john teeter yeah it's all bullshit i know it's bullshit there's a famous time traveler yes so dumb but it's a story. It's bullshit if you think it's real, but as a story, it's cool, man. Because the way he dealt with going back and killing your grandfather or whatever, that paradox, is by saying that there's multiple timelines. And you can go back in time. You're not on the exact same timeline that you were on. And so things are slightly different in that timeline.

So Titor would say that he would get colds all the time here. Colds were a little worse in this dimension. Wait, so what's the deal with this guy? He said he's from another time? It's a time traveler hoax. He's a fucking writer. He's a writer. And not a bad one.

Not a bad one at all. And he wrote something that he thinks would be a fun troll. And he came up with this. He's got a patent filed for John Titor's time machine. Fucking asshole. He's a fucking asshole. If anybody ever says, like, hey, well, there's a patent for it, you know, it must be real,

you need to go and look at what a goddamn patent is. Shut your mouth, because there's a lot of fucking patents. There's patents for all sorts of ridiculous shit. Or at least applications, patent pending. You're a fucking time traveler. Go back in time and patent everything. Yeah, how come you're going back in time when you're not just fucking everybody

with your knowledge from the future? Yeah. The whole thing's ridiculous, but the idea of a bunch of different timelines is actually not that ridiculous. Well, they're saying now with that new discovery that apparently, doesn't it like point to the idea that there's a multiverse or bubbled universes or something yeah inflation theory whatever that new discovery is there's so many of these i don't i

wouldn't say competing theories but ultimately they're all just they're they're they sort of coincide that you don't know you don't know like who's right who's wrong or whether or not they're all just they're they're they sort of coincide that you don't know you don't know like who's right who's wrong or whether or not they're all right and that there's like a billion different examples of what a universe is or an infinite number of examples of what could take place at any different timeline they say that infinity is so intense like the idea of infinity this is the best way to wrap your head around it if infinity infinity is real, that means that in the universe, not only has everything that we've said in the exact same order, in the exact same pauses, in the exact same time frame,

and fuck up of words, or slip of the tongue, it's happened exactly that way in exactly that order an infinite number of times not just one but an infinite number of times that everything that's ever taken place down to the millisecond has not just happened once somewhere else but infinite times somewhere else wow that's how big infinity is that's what no end means that's so weird like just like when you're doing some mundane thing like jerking off coming to porn yeah just thinking this is infinite this is an infinite loop of jizz that's happening oceans oceans of jizz if you could like just a universe filled with you squirting just fractal

like literally a universe that's real so the sky would be absolutely filled from horizon to horizon with you coming more than the sea if all that come from all the

Duncans in all over the world at once drenched the earth, we would drown in semen. Oh, how sad. The entire population would drown. We would be coated in like a million miles thick of cum. Because if you think about what infinity means, how many different Duncans would be coming? There's no end to it. No.

cumming. There's no end to it. So one ounce of cum equals a hundred billion oceans filled with cum instantaneously raining down upon you. And those oceans would be filled with more me's cumming. Not only that, the universe itself would not be big enough to contain the Earth's

size. Just from the sheer amount of cum it was covered in. It would push the atmosphere way past the sun. It would light the earth on fire and turn it into a big cum, what are those fucking hush puppies? A big cum hush puppy. When the cum got so big

it touched the sun. It's so big it touches the sun and then puts the sun out and presses out into the outer galaxy. That's how much cum an infinite amount of people cumming is. And then some god chef would

just come and eat it. It's just not a cooking show. And then he lives in another world where you're cumming on and it just goes on forever. No, that's how you impregnate the sun. You fill a planet with cum. That's how you stop up a black hole. We don't know what to do about a black

hole. We're going to get an infinite amount of Dunkin's to cum in it. Well, it's mass broken down to the smallest part. It's not going to stop an infinite amount of cum. Trust me. Well, there's a whole other universe inside there. Still not big enough for infinite amounts

of cum. Sorry. The black hole's like, what the fuck? Please stop cumming. The black hole is like Sasha Gray with a fucking giant black cock being force fed while she's lying on her back. Snots going down into her eyelashes. That's the universe.

Feminists are blogging about the black hole Yeah It would be so symbolic So symbolic of gag porn You're coming to a black hole The fucking whole event arises And starts sputtering You know that spinning

The spinning of the black hole Absorbing matter It just gets all choked up Like a fucking dishwasher disposal system with a spoon in it. You know one of those garbage disposals with a spoon dropped in it? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And you're scared to put your hand in there to try to unstop it? Do you think... That's how the universe was created.

Stop it. Do you think... That's how the universe was created. His infinite come loop went into a black hole. Do you think that someone will ever come into a black hole in the future? Oh, yeah. If we live long enough, someone's going to want to do that. They're going to want to be the first guy, some Richard Branson type asshole. I want to be the first guy to show the world I want to inspire you

That you too can come in a black hole Him with fucking black socks on This is how I always come He sends like a shuttle from his pod Yeah But it's like a glory hole into the next shuttle He's wearing an Aquaman t-shirt It's way too small

And he's just A little slightly embarrassing roll of fat pulls out of the bottom like a little waterfall and he's just jerking off with his black socks on into a into a you never know till you try i seek to inspire i'm seeking to inspire you that you too i'm a humble man um have you seen did you edit the Tim and Eric sketch, the universe? What is that called? The one where they're talking about space? I don't think I did.

God, that's funny. Have you seen that, man? No. Can you pull up the Tim and Eric? What's it called? Space? Just the universe, I think. The universe?

This is one of the funniest fucking... This is one of my favorite comedy sketches. Really good. Oh, yeah. The universe. What a concept. You know, the universe is a little bit like the human hand. For example, you have

Grauman's Center right here, and then you have Undiscovered Worlds and Sector 8, and Grauman's Center right here and then you have undiscovered worlds and sector 8 and up here it's the Tillman's crest so you can you can kind of picture that it's a little bit like a leaf or it's not a bowl the universe is beautiful something like a new woman that I was gonna date you're dark and you're you're massive and you have a black hole and all of those elements i want to explore just like you would explore on a new date his facial expressions are so good and feel around and just see see what's

going to come out of that the time it takes to get from one star to another star is, you need to travel at the speed of light. And us humans can't even fathom the concept of that kind of time because it's really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really fun. It's about taking a speed of light ride. If you could put the universe into a tube, you'd end up with a very long tube. You've got to watch this, folks, too. It's extending twice the size of the universe, because when you collapse the universe, it expands, and it would be... You wouldn't want to put it into a tube.

Picture a hot dog bun, and throw all the stars, the hundreds of stars that there are in the universe into a pack into a bag and put the universe into a bag and you all of a sudden they become when I was a child remember what he got to be 90 planets. You remember what he was saying? But there are now 90 planets. You know, the ultimate fate of the universe is so dark and mysterious that it generates butterflies in my stomach. And that goes to tickles in my spine and that creates goose pimples. And then that penetrates my mind and then the whole big bangs was... Bwah! Bwah!

Bwah! Bwah! Bwah! Stars can be fun. A lot of people say, Donna, you get so wrapped up in the physics of it, don't you have any fun? I say, well, I go up and I look at the stars through my telescope and I see the little dipster

or I see the big dipster. Every star has a sister star, a little bit like two eyeballs. If you can imagine, if you could see the other side of my eyeball, you'd see a 360 degree eyeball. Do you know that when you look at a planet and you see that light, that planet's not even there? That's just a light. That's just your neighbor shining a flashlight right into

your yard. What the fuck? Looking for coons. And he says, what are you doing in my backyard with that flashlight? What the fuck? I said, I'm teaching your son about the universe. I'm shining a light. Shining a light right in there and exploring his room as he's looking out and exploring the universe. I turn the light off and I see your son go to bed and I turn the light back on and I do swirls on his wall like a comet's tail. I do this every night with your son.

What the fuck, man? What the fuck? Oh my, they're so weird. Those guys have the weirdest style. Yeah. It's such an interesting style of comedy because you really have no fucking idea where they're going. It's very refreshing because it's really hard to watch something where you, even if it's well-written, you know where it's going. Like, you know where everything's going.

How long did you work on that show, man, for the whole time? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, it's fun. That's so cool. You're so lucky to have been on that show. That was like a, that was like, I don't know, it reminds me of Monty Python or something,

or like a more modern version of that, you know? It's revolutionary. Yeah. It's a revolutionary modern version of that. You know, it's just such... It's revolutionary. Yeah. It's a revolutionary show. And that's a gross word to use. Everybody hates that word. I think it is, though. But it is.

It is. You're right. Because it's so far out there that it's like, it pushes, like, you know, that challenges people to not be so stuck in like normal square types of sketches.

That's why I love writing with you, man, because you're always like pushing it so far outside of where I would go with it. Well, you know, you got to try to do something different. Yeah. Yeah, you have to in this day and age, too. So many premises have been beaten to death, especially when you're dealing with, like, human interactions.

Like, how many goddamn sitcoms have there been? How many movies have there been? How many dramatic shows that have comedic scenes i mean how much how many subjects can be covered right the same way over and over again you know after a while it's like oh my fucking god yeah yeah it's weird too when you start thinking about like how much of what i'm doing and how much of what i'm saying day to day is original and how much of it is just me regurgitating something I heard before. Well, there's definitely going to be some of that always that, I mean, that is the, the big knock on the concept of

plagiarism, you know, the, the knock on, you know, when someone accuses, especially comedians, plagiarism, essentially there's no way anybody has a unique thought and if you have a unique thought it is merely a combination of your thoughts and all the knowledge that all the human beings before you have left behind including the language that you're communicating it in every single idea that formulates this thought every single piece of information that's been accumulated long before you were ever born, most likely. And that's what's led to this being able to talk. The difference being, of course, the difference between someone who kind of acknowledges that but comes up with it on their own and someone who just sits around and waits for other people to come up with it and then steals those ideas.

Because what they are is a fake antenna. You're not an antenna. You're like an agent You're like you're stealing the actual creative idea instead of tuning into it Yeah, and we like it when we find someone like a Joey Diaz like someone who's just tuning into it He figured out how to tune into it And that's him and you like to be around him because he says funny shit all the time And then someone else who just waits to hear what Joey Diaz says and then just repeats it.

Dude, when I was at, I used to go to a summer camp. And I remember talking to this kid and he was telling me about his, like, we got to kind of be friends. He told me about his, like, childhood. And I remember it seemed weirdly familiar. And then I was thinking about it. Have he told your story of your childhood? yeah that'd be fucking weird no he lifted it from a movie

like some I can't remember what it was but he like kind of went into details and he had just lifted it from a movie that he saw he was just sort of oh my god

it's okay that's how kids learn how to be be themselves no this kid fake it till you make it yeah I think you're right man I think it's okay nothing weird about it at all not at all except when we were like i remember like swimming at free swim and he did this awful

thing this is like the end of our summer camp friendship because i'd already like found out that he'd been like he'd been lying about um his, which is already kind of weird. But then we were swimming back to shore, and I remember he stuck his ass out of the water. He pulled his shorts down, and he stuck his ass out of the water and pulled his butt cheeks apart to moon everybody in the most awful way. To warn everyone that he belongs not at that camp. He belongs in an asylum. What was this awful kid? Why was he doing this? He's lying about his childhood.

He's, like, horrifying everyone. It's like saying, it's like cry for help when people pull their butt apart. That's what it is. They read your palm, they tell you that. And that kid drowned, and then his mom came back and killed everybody at that camp. Was his name Jason? Yeah. His name's Jason.

I knew that kid. Was the story from a famous movie? I can't remember the movie, but I remember thinking about it later and realizing, like, oh, he lied. That's definitely from a movie. Like, it was – I mean, I was probably – I was an idiot. I am an idiot. But, like, then I was especially – I'm not a kid. I am an idiot. But then I was special. I'm not a kid.

I'm an idiot. How old were you at the time? 27. That's such an easy joke when anyone asks you that. It's funny. Look, it's good. It's good. It's there.

Just because it's easy doesn't mean it's not good. No, I was probably probably let's see i was in cabin three i guess i don't know was it a christian camp well it wasn't a christian camp but they did have church on sundays and stuff but it was cool i mean it wasn't like they were like beating you over the head with it was a i went to that camp and became a counselor at that camp this is camp pinnacle in north carolina and I went to that camp and became a counselor at that camp. This is Camp Pinnacle in North Carolina. And I went to that camp since I was like probably nine or 10 and just kept going back every summer. That stuff's good for kids, man. Getting away from home, hanging out with other people, being outdoors. And I think this camp now, I think Camp Pinnacle now that won't let kids keep cell phones there. So when you come, the kids have to give up your phone. Wow.

That's interesting. That's probably good for some kids. I went to a camp that was not good for kids. It was dangerous. It was a bunch of little criminals. I went to, it was Jamaica Plain, which was kind of a sketchy area in Boston. And it was the Boy Scout troop. We went to New Hampshire for two weeks.

Kids were tying kids up and taking their fucking cots and leaving them in the woods. Because it was pitch Boy Scout troop. We went to New Hampshire for two weeks. Kids were tying kids up and taking their fucking cots and leaving them in the woods because it was pitch black at night. They tried to do it to me too, but I woke up, fucking yelled at them, and people would pour toothpaste all over everyone's clothes. It was very fucking sketchy. Yeah, that's awful.

It was a little criminal camp. So I would just disappear every day and go fishing. I didn't do any of the activities. I just got the fuck out of there. I remember a bullet ricocheted by me once. It was only a.22, but there was a shooting range. Someone hit a rock and a bullet fucking... Like we heard a bullet.

What the fuck is that? Someone goes, it's a ricochet. I was like, a fucking ricochet? Like, can we get hit by bullets? We can get hit by bullets. And they're like, no one can get hit by bullets. I'm like, I am so fucking out of here. And so every morning I would just take off and go fishing.

So for two weeks I went fishing and they didn't even know I was gone. Like they barely paid attention. I went to band camp. That place was ruthless, man. Like I was a freshman in high school. Day one they're like, on your way in, you know, you're getting all these warnings. Like, you know, every freshman gets their underwear ripped right out of their pants by the seniors. They're going to raid your cabins.

Did your parents not check out? I was hiding under the bunk, and one of the guys was sympathetic to me. He let me go. Really? Wow. So they were trying to do that, though. They were trying to pull everybody's underwear out.

I think I was extra small. They're like, we can't pick on this kid. Damn, that's a good way to get stabbed. Somebody gets really mad at you. You can pull underwear on the wrong kid and he waits until you're asleep and sticks a fork up your ass. Exactly. People are so gross. The fact that you give, that's an obvious supervision issue.

You can't just leave older kids with younger kids. There's too much of a tendency to bully. Right. You don't know those kids. And these are young kids. You're trusting some fucking 11-year-old around some 16-year-old. Don't do that. There's always one cunt-head 16-year-old that's going to do stupid shit to kids.

And if your 11-year-old son is around some 16-year-old boys, they're probably going to smack him around or do something fucked to him. It's a bad supervision issue. Yeah, that is all it is. It's all it is. And when I was there, I was 11 in Florida or in Jamaica Plain, rather. I was like 11 or 12 because I had moved. I lived in Florida from 11, actually 13.

I was probably 13 because I lived in Florida from 11 to 13. And when I was 13 is when I lived in Jamaica Plain. So that's definitely how old I was. And, you know in Florida from 11 to 13. And when I was 13 is when I lived in Jamaica Plains. So that's definitely how old I was. And, you know, these kids were like 17. There was like some kids that were like Eagle Scouts that were older. And for them, it was like this wild vacation thing. They would get away and just fucking, you know, torture kids. They'd get crazy, shoot rocks and stuff.

That sucks. It was fucking sketchy as hell, man, because there wasn't that many people running it. You looked around how many kids there were, and you looked at how many counselors there were. It's like, whoa, there's like fucking 20 kids for each person. Isn't Boy Scouts kind of militant about like... Barely. They just don't want gays. It's all to keep the gays out and just fucking have at it.

Well, at least with a camp that I went to. I mean, they had some things that you did, like you met for breakfast. And, you know, they had activities that you were supposed to be doing. But I wasn't fucking doing shit. I thought that was, like, about keeping people in line. Like, scouts honor and all that stuff. Nope, not at night, man. That guy goes to sleep and those fucking kids are running around tying people up.

I mean, that was just reality. Oh, shit. It was fucking dangerous. You want to send your kid to a camp that's old that's the idea like finding because there's some camps that are old like this camp was i think it was it was 80 or 100 years old it'd been around for a while like and they knew how to do it many many summers and there's traditions and there's people who've been there and he's kind of sounds scarier actually old i mean it's like some old time shit like jo Joe's old camp. Bohemian Grove type shit.

Well, no. I mean, yeah. That's what I'm saying. Like there was a few. There were like, there was like, you know, like there were traditions there. There was like, I was old in there. It did. You know, who the fuck knows?

It did have that. Whenever I look at, I swear to God, when I see videos of the Bohemian Grove, I think of Camp Pinnacle. I always think, I'm like, oh, that's just a summer camp for tyrants. That's what the Bohemian Grove, I think of Camp Pinnacle. I always think, I'm like, oh, that's just a summer camp for tyrants. That's what the Bohemian Grove is. It's clearly just a summer camp where you go to if you're an oil billionaire. What is this? Oh, wow, look at that.

What is it? What are they doing? Ask Duncan. I don't know. I don't know. That wasn't there when I was there. It looks like some sort of wrestling match or a game or something. No, this is where you would have the kids fight and the survivor gets to eat.

Teach you about heart. Desire. That's why I'm here. I'm here to make a man out of you, Duncan. Yeah, my camp, I don't remember what the fuck it was called. I just remember it was in New Hampshire. And at nighttime, there was no moon out one night when I was there. And I couldn't believe that it could get so dark that you couldn't see your hand in front of your face.

You put your hand in front of your face, you literally couldn't see it. Couldn't see it. It was so dark. It was unbelievable how dark it got at night. How could you see the kids you were trying to tie up? That's the problem. These cunts had flashlights. These little fuckheads had flashlights.

And, you know, you'd hear footsteps and flashlights and giggles. And next thing you know someone's touching you in the middle of the night and you're like, get the fuck off me! And scream and yell. You had to scream and yell because if you just tried to play it cool, come on guys, they'd fucking gag you. Tie you tighter.

This sounds terrible. It was not good. It was not good. It was definitely not good for me because being a 13-year-old around 17-year-olds is always sketchy. Dudes are dickheads. Especially if you give them enough leeway, you give them enough room, they don't know any better.

Especially if they have older brothers that fuck with them. That's a big one, man. That's a real big one. If you run into some kids that have older brothers that beat them up, there's a good chance that they're going to have some pent-up resentment looking to get theirs in on someone else. That's what they say about abuse. So a lot of kids that abuse their kids, they got abused. And it just passes on, just generation to generation.

How do you stop that cycle? Yeah, it's a good question. They have a third party intervene during their teenage years or something. There's probably some counseling ways that you could do it, some ways of recognizing what sort of pattern you've fallen into. You want to look at yourself if you're an abuser and recognize that you actually are the crest of the wave of the universe and you have a chance to stop this disease that infected you

from spreading into infinity. You can stop it. I think that's what it takes. Somehow the people who are doing it have to wake up to the fact that they can actually transform everything if they just stop this terrible flow of shit that's been going through from like,

just some asshole 200 years ago punched his kid. And then that kid punched his kid and that kid punched his kid and that kid punched his kid it's like a echo of this shithead's punch traveling through someone started to punch someone could block it yeah we didn't start punching our wives but we can stop i think um for sure this is a very unique time and that we're really aware of the repercussions of all this stuff. And the recidivism repercussions and the fact that it translates from one generation to the next.

We're aware of that, I think, more than ever before. And there's more of a backlash against it than ever before. You could clearly see that just about abuse in movies. How about like abuse of women? It used to be normal for the lead of a movie to smack a woman in the face, and it was okay. It was like a man. He's a man's man. Get a hold of yourself.

Right in the kisser. Smack her again. I think Louis C.K.'s opening monologue on SNL, one of the things he said was like, there's an article of clothing, like a wife beater shirt. There's an article of clothing that's just based on beating your wife isn't that offensive like you could just say that no one cares that's crazy i never even thought of that it's so true it's yeah it's it is crazy man but you know like what i like sometimes fuck a wife beater t-shirt also got the boxer a lot of violent clothing oh yeaher briefs.

Yeah, but they just look like boxer shorts. Yeah. That's why. Wife beater. It's like associated. Wife beater is way crazy. I know. I know. Just a pun.

It would have been good if you started with boxer and then we worked up to wife beater. To wife beater. Wife beater is definitely the closer, though. You know when you're like, sometimes you'll find yourself habitually being an asshole. Like sometimes I'll find myself being a jerk to someone. And then my mind will register, oh, I'm acting like my mom right now. And like my mom was, you know what I mean? Like, oh shit, oh shit.

This is a habit I picked up from somebody else that I'm pushing through time. See, and the idea is like when you recognize, it's not everyone, of course, it's not all just violence and punching people. It's not all, sometimes it's not so overt. Sometimes the thing you're doing is just mildly cunty, you know what I mean? But it's still something you learned from someone who is mildly cunty to you it's like you could stop that you can actually stop that by going against the habit because sometimes you'll realize i'm being this way for no reason but i still want to be this way because i feel comfortable acting this way you know just it's just a habit it's just a comfortable habit i don't think they feel

comfortable i think they just feel they don't know how to not feel like that or how to change right they're trapped yeah yeah yeah that's the word right it is trapped i mean that's really what it is trapped you're in a like a gambling thing you ever met a guy who's got a real gambling thing it's like they're they're trapped in this pattern of thinking because that whatever rush they get out of that it's like undeniable and some people they get trapped in like almost seeking this rush of anger or this rush of you know being perturbed or just getting fucking frustrated things and then they fall into that pattern and they just get trapped there but i think we we know that now more so than ever before and it's like the lessons like you and i for sure learned something from what our parents did wrong. We certainly learned something from what our parents did right.

Yeah. But we definitely also learned something from what our parents did wrong. And I think our children, my children, you if you ever have children are going to hopefully learn from shit that I do wrong too. Like things that affected them that I said to them that maybe I shouldn't have said that they're going to compartmentalize. They're going to think about it more when they have a kid, they're going to be one step ahead of me, you know, hopefully, I mean, I'm doing my best, but we're just human beings and the process is ongoing and culture is evolving along with generation to generations learning all these lessons. I mean, our actual human culture is just way more advanced and way more sensitive than it was in the 1950s.

That's why you could have a movie where the lead guy smacks a woman in the mouth. Get a hold of yourself. Smack. Smack. Whereas the guy today would go, hey, you know, this is not necessary. Just relax. We're going to get through this. Right.

Let's just talk about why you're upset. Like, that's what a normal person would do. Like, you don't have to hit her. You don't have to, get a hold of yourself. Smack. That is so weird. That used to be like a cure. Like smacking was a cure.

And then you'd fuck the shit out of her because that's what she really wanted. She wanted you to just show you care. Give her a couple of fucking knuckles across the mouth. A little bit of blood, just a little. Just enough to get her hot when you're kissing her. Wow, people were nuts back then. They were crazy. They were barbarians.

They were basically just less than 100 years removed from riding fucking horses around. What did you expect? What did anybody expect from those fucking monkeys? They were apes. Remember when Barbara Walters got Sean Connery to talk about smacking women? Yeah. And he said it in this really like... Play that,

Jamie, because it's brilliant. I mean, it's incredible. I mean, he has just got this no-nonsense approach to the pimp hand. And Barbara Walters tried to check him on it, and he just fucking owned up to it

and really fucked her up, man. Because he kind of let her know that if she got a little crazy, he might smack her. She got scared. There was something to it, man. There was something behind it. It's not the worst thing to slap a woman now and then. As I remember, you said you don't do it with a clenched fist. It's better to do it with an open hand.

Because she's looking away and then she turns towards him. Yeah. Yeah, remember that? I didn't love that. I haven't changed my opinion. You haven't? No. You think it's good to slap a woman? No? I didn't love that. I haven't changed my opinion. You haven't? No. You think it's good

to slap a woman? No, I don't think it's good. You don't think it's bad, though? I don't think it's that bad. I think that it depends entirely on the circumstances and if it merits it. What would merit it?

Well, if you have tried everything else, and women are pretty good at this, they can't leave it alone. They don't want to have the last word and you give them the last last word but they're not happy with the last word they want to say it again and and get into a really provocative situation then I think it's absolutely right. What would... That's the fake one. Does he elaborate any further than that?

I don't think so. I think he just leaves it at that. But still, man, Sean Connery gets away with that because he's handsome and he's got that cool accent. But imagine somebody else saying that. Like Jude Law. Yeah, it's just bad. I mean, ultimately, Sean Connery is just hitting women. He's's just from an old school era so it's kind of funny to hear yeah that's why because of like Jude Law I don't know why I'm saying Jude Law again but he has a proper

accent he's a handsome guy if he wound up saying that in an interview it would ruin his career yeah absolutely ruin his career like who's a um a famous movie star today who's, like, a good example? Like, Ryan Reynolds? I guess so. Is that the handsome guy? I'm not sure who that is. Who's Ryan Seacrest? Imagine if Ryan Seacrest said that.

They would know he's gay. People would know. They're like, I know what you're doing. Right. Is he gay? No, I don't think so. No, I don't think he's gay. I think he's a workaholic.

He probably doesn't have time for sex. Okay, this guy. That's Ryan Reynolds. This handsome bastard. If he said that, if Ryan Reynolds said that sometimes you need to smack a woman, holy shit would the backlash be extraordinary. Salon.com would dedicate months and months of front page articles. Yeah, but what about all the sites defending him?

None. None. None. There'll be a few of those men's rights sites. Sean Connery fan clubs. A few of those embarrassing men's rights sites where they write things like, you went too far, you fucks. You ruined the whole argument. The whole argument is

divorce laws, the whole argument. The whole argument is how many guys get fucked over financially. It's so weird Salon.com started attacking Patton Oswalt. You know, it's not Salon.com, okay? It's a writer. A writer decided that they were going to pick a hot-button topic that didn't necessarily jive or make sense, but they felt like because Patton Oswalt was making fun of someone else's racism by showing, like, essentially very similar to what Colbert is getting in trouble for. Right.

Except Patton Oswalt is a fucking, like, obvious comedian and known as a pretty sensitive, aware guy. Like, the idea that he would say something racist just for the joke. Like, he was, they knew what he was doing, and they decided to go for it anyway, and that's when he attacked them. He lit them up. He should have.

He should have. They're gross. Like, there's something about their articles, too. If you go to Salon.com, one of the things is almost every article starts with a question, you know? Is, you know, is this the time to reconsider the argument of who's funnier, men or women?

Is this, you know, this is, is this what's wrong with the right question mark? You know, like this, it's, it's weird. They're like opinion pieces that represent this article. It just is like, it's amazing. Look at this. Guess, guess what, chicken butt? Does anti-vegan shaming begin in preschool? That's Pat Noswell.

Is that their salon articles? Yeah. Hold on. Mr. Show, patriarchal, hegemony, and sketch show titles. That's the Man for Man talk at anti-transgender subtext and classic limericks. That's so true. That's so true. Are knock-knock jokes non-inclusive to the homeless

salon articles you dummies you fucked with the wrong guy yeah you did he lit him up he's right man i mean i i get angry sometimes like the other day they were comparing uh tina fey to um to louis ck and like is uh's the age-old argument. Who's funnier, men or women? Fuck you. Fuck you. Here's what's funnier.

Funny people. It's not men or women. Like, stop. Amy Schumer's hilarious. Louis C.K.'s hilarious. And Tina Fey, by the way, isn't even a stand-up. Right. Okay?

She's an actress. She's funny. Sure, she's funny on shows. She's funny in movies. But she's not Louis C.K. Louis C.K. writes his own shit, performs his own shit. It's all his opinions on the world. To say that there's some sort of a debate who's funnier, her or him, is completely distorting what the art form is in the first place.

It's completely distorting it. Like, you're just looking for a fucking salacious article title. That's all you're doing. I used to think, I thought they were like, it seems like they were much more respected and now they've gone down this spiral

where everyone's just rolling their eyes at them. They've run out of shit to talk about. Right. You know, it's just ridiculous. It gets to a certain,

it gets to a certain time when you're covering these same stories over and over and over and over and over and over. This Cancel Colbert, Cancel Colbert. One fucking joke

has merited like seven or eight headlines for for articles from them right like in the debate why he needs to make it right make it right jesus fucking christ like what are you talking about make a joke right i mean what was his joke i mean it was so fucking first of all he's a character. He's a right-wing, ridiculous character that says dumb shit. Tongue-in-cheek every fucking step of the way. Who is it offensive to? Asian people. I'll pull it up right now so we can see what the fucking Colbert controversy is.

I'll pull it up. People are hashtagging, hashtagging,cel Colbert because of a fucking joke. Okay, here's the, and he's apparently responded to it, but let's find out what the fuck the actual joke was. How many people did respond to it? Did that hashtag? Oh, I don't know, but they're all gross. I don't know how many people did.

I'm just wondering how big, if it's an actual big, you know, movement, is it? You can scan movement. No, it's pretty big. Is it? You can scan through it, and it's not just cancel Colbert. It's just like a place where all the outraged people have gone to express their outrage. They're pissed about anything, and they'll just hashtag piss Colbert. People are outraged right now. Here's what they said.

It all began Thursday evening when the Colbert Report's Twitter account, by the way, which wasn't even him. It wasn't even him that wrote that. It was someone that handles the Colbert account. It's when the Colbert Report's Twitter account, by the way, which wasn't even him. It wasn't even him that wrote that. It was someone that handles the Colbert account. It's not Stephen Colbert. Quoted a joke from a segment on Wednesday's episode. So they quoted a joke from a segment. So they took it out of context, and that's where the outrage came. Quoted a joke from a segment that aired that mocked Washington Redskins owner

Dan Schneider. For setting up a charity to aid Native Americans. In lieu of changing the team's name. The original bit. Colbert said he was inspired by Schneider. To start his own charity. Called the Ching Chong Ding Dong. Foundation for sensitivity to Orientals.

Or whatever. That's in response to a guy. Who runs a team called the Washingtonhington redskins which is an anti-native american slur yeah making a charity for for for native americans without changing the name like there's a whole context to that joke i mean he's not saying that there should be a ching chong ding dong. He's mocking the racism of a guy whose team is called a racist name. Donating without changing the name.

I mean, it's so obvious. But Solan has had like seven fucking articles about it. Some supportive, but some that say he needs to make it right. Maybe you just cannot put that string of words together in any context. Ever, but I mean... Ching Chong whatever he said. I think that's exactly what they're saying. You can't say Ching Chong. You can't say that. He needs to make it right. Maybe you just cannot put that string of words together in any context. Ever. Ching Chong, whatever he said. I think that's exactly what they're saying.

You can't say Ching Chong. You can't say that. That's the N word. It's hilarious. I mean, to try to censor content that much, that you're taking things completely out of context, completely out of the meaning behind it. Context is the reason why language exists in the first place. It's everything. To be able to expand past really simple things like eat, fuck, shit, you need context.

To have a goddamn language and communicate with each other, we have to recognize subtleties. And when you pretend they don't exist, that's when you get assholes, sanctimonious fuckheads who get crazy about jokes. That's when you get assholes, sanctimonious fuckheads who get crazy about jokes. That's when you get people dedicating days and days of their life to something that fucking, that Tracy Morgan says about stabbing his gay son. They're crazy. Everything is taken completely out of context and everything is something that warrants cancellation. You need to be shamed.

You need to be removed. There's these oversensitive fucking morons it's weird how what you're expressing right now is you're offended they offend you that's what's interesting is it's like they what they are doing is so much more offensive than the thing they are offended by yes the way they're expressing themselves is so vile and disgusting that it makes whatever Tracy Morgan said or Patton Oswalt said or Colbert say just seem like seems so tiny compared to what they are which is they're like embryonic fascists if you gave them power and they grew out of control if that whoever's like running the show at salon met whoever's running the cancel colbert and somehow they took power imagine what kind of world would

be living oh god if you they could decide what gets on these comedy shows these satire shows what you can and can't get away with how many transgenders need to be represented how many fucking gay people need to be represented how How many fucking gay people need to be represented? How many fucking straight white males need to be made fun of along with straight white females? I mean, is it gonna be a chart where everything's graphed and made sure it's completely

even across the board? That's not life, man. Maybe they'll find something new to be pissed off about because that's really what they love is being pissed off about stuff. Oh, they'd realize that they've lost their love which is average. The problem is

when you say they, it's writers. It's writers that they're attracting. It's not necessarily logical people. It's not necessarily like representative

of the organization itself. They're individual writers who produce something and then somebody greenlights it. But at a certain point in time you're doing more harm than good because you're so easy to mock. If you're super left-wing, when you get that far out on a fucking limb and you want to cancel Colbert about a really obvious joke like that, you're fucking up everything because you're making yourself look unbelievably silly.

I know you feel right, and I know that you have this righteous indignation behind what you're doing, and you feel like the people need to know. You need to realize the harm that your words say. You need to realize that there's humor, okay? And humor, people get hurt. Oh, hiding behind. You're a bigot hiding behind the mask of a comedian. People get hurt.

People get hurt from jokes. And guess what? If you get hurt from jokes, you're supposed to get hurt from those jokes. If you can't make fun of something about yourself, that means you haven't acknowledged that something about yourself that may or may not be hilarious. And there's a big difference between someone saying something unbelievably cruel and evil and someone saying something where they're poking at you and laughing. And obviously he was doing that. Obviously he was poking at the Washingtonhington redskins guy and laughing and to deny that it's just it fucks up the whole argument it clouds the water with shitheads

yeah it's strange to see salon.com in some way like converging with nancy grace in some way right yeah like they're meeting somehow salon is like put itself in this or whoever the writers are, has put themselves in that awful position where it's like, oh shit, Nancy Grace and I were singing the same song. And it's not all that. There's a lot of great articles on there.

I still go there because they have a lot of great articles. It's just sometimes they just go out of line. That's why you need a good editor, man, because you let a few writers fucking throw stuff out there and you do serious damage to your website or magazine. You can really fuck your shit up. Well, you could develop a reputation.

You could develop a bad reputation. Like a reputation for being ridiculous. If Patton Oswalt is attacking you for fun and people are looking forward to it... And it rings true! That's the problem. It rings true what he's saying. You read those titles.

They're all, I mean, those are great mocksalon.com titles. They're great. But look, if you go to, I get an email from them every day, and there's some great things, like the thing with Jon Stewart mocking CNN for its continued coverage. They've got that. They've got an interesting thing on Chris Christie, like the governor talking about. Yeah, they're not all bad. They christie like the governor's talking about they're not all bad at all you know not all bad at all but

a friend of mine hated vice for a while he's like fuck that magazine because because one article that he was offended by that came out five years ago but i mean yeah you can't blame the whole organization because one thing fucked up right well there's a there's definitely been some articles that I didn't like that Vice did, and I love those guys. I saw one the other day that made me laugh. What was it? The liquid lap dance diapers. What? Yeah, they have these diapers that people can wear, and you fill it with lube, and you go get your lap dance, and you jizz in your pants.

Holy shit. And like one of the, you know, whoever wrote it, like wore them and went to a strip club. Now that's journalism. It is. I wore a spandex diaper to a strip club so I could come while receiving a lap dance. That is hilarious. That's a great article. Oh, I had a friend that was.

That's the kind of journalism I want. That's a smart way of doing it. Me too. I had a friend who did it. Wait a minute. That said gay strip club. Back up. But therefore.

I tried it out at a gay strip club. I mean, they're marketed. They're marketed. I think the writer just happened to be gay. Yeah, we've got a problem here. This is a very different kind of lap dance they're receiving. I didn't know that that was happening. It's a completely different thing.

Gay strip clubs. Well, now you know. I have a friend who used to shave his cock and balls, and he used to take those nylon jogging pants, and he would run sandpaper on them until like you could like hold it up to the light and see how many fingers he had up and then he would lube up his cock and balls all shaved down and he would put the really super thin like almost transparent jogging pants on put a long shirt over it and go to a strip club and get lap dances and he would call it shooting i'd go shooting and one time fucked up. I guess he put too much lube on.

And the girl sat on him and was like, what the fuck? And he's like, oh, sorry. And he just gave her money and ran. He said, I was so embarrassed I ran out of there. He said, but before, he had been getting away with it. Girls had gotten there like, OK. They had climbed on it and made him cum in his pants. And he said it was amazing.

It was like a legal way to get handjobs. It's just thinking about the lead up to that. It's like how many times do you have to push down the thought, I've gone insane. Maybe he invented those diapers because that's a good – I think someone – I think he may have. He was an entrepreneur. I know exactly what you're talking about. There's already a market for it.

Yeah, maybe. It's possible. The diaper is a good move. It's better. It's more contained. He was an entrepreneur. I know exactly what you're talking about. There's already a market for it. Yeah, maybe. It's possible. The diaper's a good move. It's better. It's more contained. But if you're at home, you're like, you know what? I'm going to slide on my lubed-up diapers and go get a lap dance. It's like you've got to stop for a second.

You've got to think. Because if I was doing that, alarm bells would be going off. Like, you've lost it, man. This is it. You start wearing them everywhere. Because you would. You're always wearing a lubed it, man. This is it. You start wearing them everywhere. Because you would. You're always wearing a lubed up diaper. Because you would.

You'd start liking it. You'd start liking the weird, sticky feel of the lube. That would be your thing. No more girlfriends. Just diapers. It would be the only way you could come. You'd be in the middle of having sex. You'd be like, do you mind if I put the diaper on?

Your woman would be like, what the fuck, man? Really? You want to not have sex so you can put a diaper on? There's guys that get so into jerking off that they can't come any other way. Yeah, I've heard about that. They have to come jerking off. Man, it's bad. We've got a problem here.

And the problem is that hand jobs are illegal at massage parlors. Let's face it. If guys have gotten to the point where they've got to put on lubed-up diapers to feel a human touch, to feel like an orgasm induced by another person, we've got to look at our laws. You've got to look at it. This is repression, man. This is like when the pigs go crazy in the cages and chew their feet off, man. It's some ancient fucking Puritan bullshit because the idea that someone should be able to do something completely free and it's absolutely legal, encouraged, and it's a foundation of our advertising.

Selling sex is like almost everything we sell, we sell it with sex. How many cars have to have a woman's fantastic legs draped over the hood? How many times have you, you know, watched some sort of commercial and there's a hot woman promoting something. What's going on there? They're saying you want sex. You can get sex for free, but as soon as you give someone money for sex, that's against the law, and everyone can be locked in a cage

for something that doesn't hurt anybody. It's completely legal if it's free. Or if there's a camera involved filming it. That's true, too. Yeah, that's the fucked up part. I think you have to get permits, though, now. I think they have permits. You probably have to get a permit.

You probably have some sort of permit. Maybe not for the internet. Well, I don't know. I'm talking out of my ass. But the bottom line is, it's fucking sex. It's not like beating someone up. Imagine if you had really poor people, and you paid them to just beat the fuck out of them, and they couldn't fight back.

Yeah. You just want to beat the fuck out of somebody, man. I can't beat the fuck out of anybody because it's illegal. So you go to some warehouse and they give you some poor immigrant that could barely feed himself. And you just beat the shit out of him. And the doctor comes in and stops it before the guy dies. And then you put this guy in the hospital. His face is all fucked up.

But you give him like five grand. And in a couple weeks, he's going to be healed up, and that five grand is going to come in handy. And now he's going to be able to pay for his green card and be able to get over it. That's a possibility, man. That's a fucking real possibility that someone could engineer something like that. Like if what? Well, if someone just decides.

Someone just decides, like, hey, man, I know there's a lot of people that would love to beat the fuck out of someone, test out your martial arts skills, And the guy can't hit back. You just get to beat someone's ass. I bet that's what the salon writer who attacked Colbert does on the weekends. He takes the hits? It's the opposite of fight club. Instead of putting yourself at risk, it's just beat up club.

That's fucked up. Yeah, that's exactly, man. That's like a sick, fucked up thing. But when you get a massage, it does kind of seem like a hand job is a natural conclusion to a massage. They're rubbing your feet. They're rubbing your feet, your body.

You're so relaxed. Starts doing your toes. It's almost sexual. Squeezing your ass. That's a big one. They're always rubbing your ass. It's erogenous. Remember that shit that supposedly happened with Travolta? Yes. He got banned from a hotel because he would always try to get the masseuse to arch his back up in the air and stick his ass up in

their face I don't know if that's real I don't know if it's real either it's a funny story though hilarious story probably not real I love Travolta love Scientology it's massages feel good everywhere. Your head. It feels good to get your head massaged. You know, they rub your head sometimes hard with your fingers. It feels great. Yeah.

Why can't they rub your dick? Oh, no, it's a danger zone. Highway to the danger zone. You can't touch it. Pull that fucking towel open. What have we done? And you have to. If he comes, we go to jail. I wonder what percentage of massaged men

have boners when they're getting massaged. 80. Because I don't think I can... I don't get massages because I'm worried that I'm going to feel awkward the whole time just like worried that I have a boner. What are you, a communist?

Go get jerked off. You need to talk to Brian Redman. He'll hook you up with Rub Maps. He knows where to go. He's gone beyond Rub Maps. I've heard about that. I've heard about that. Brian has gone beyond. He'll hook you up with Rub Maps. He knows where to go. He's gone beyond Rub Maps. I've heard about that. I've heard about that. Brian has gone beyond.

He's the guru. Yeah, Brian knows some pretty dark, dark places. He's the guru when it comes to finding spots where you can get your dick sucked. But it's illegal. It's so stupid that it's illegal. It's legal to have sex. It's legal. If you went outside right now, walked out this door, went to the door next door, went to the next office building and said, hey, who wants to fuck?

And some girl goes, I'm off work and this is my office. Let's fuck. That's totally legal. You go in there, shut that door, lock it. No one can stop you. But if you walked in and said, hey, I'm willing to give someone $1,000 if they fuck me. And some girl's like, I could use $1,000, but I don't want to go to jail. Shit.

Okay, let's do it, but shut up. Get in here. And then the cops break down the door. Er, people are fucking for money. Bang, get on the floor. Did you exchange cash? You did. You're both going to a fucking cage.

They could put you in a cage. Yeah, but if I went over there and said that, who wants to fuck? There'd probably be cops involved anyway if I just... You never know what if you look like ryan reynolds if you look like ryan that ryan reynolds cat and you walked into an office building and just said who wants to fuck and uh maybe if you walked up to like one specific girl like maybe this is one everybody has there's this one girl at almost every office building if

there's an office building that has 10 floors there's one super slut in there there's one you just gotta find her i mean she's she might be totally undercover just a normal looking almost every office building. If there's an office building that has 10 floors, there's one super slut in there. There's one. You just got to find her. I mean, she might be totally undercover, just a normal-looking secretary, but she's got that fucking little hint of crazy in her eyes. And if Ryan Reynolds walked in looking like that, with his shirt open for some reason,

and said, who wants to fuck? That girl would be there. She'd be there, and she'd be ready to throw down. We have to film this hidden camera show. Just send me into an office building. Who wants to fuck? You'll get shot. Security. It's easy to get a gun. Sir! Sir! It's too easy to get a gun in LA. You don't want to do that.

How many infinite universes would happen until I did get laid? How many office buildings? Not even one. I would do like 400 buildings until finally. You would get laid every time. Eventually. You'd be surprised.

I just got to get good at the cell. DJ Doug Pound supports rape culture live on salive.com. Salon.com would dedicate to your show. This show supports rape culture because it makes women think that it's okay. Because I said who wants to fuck? Yeah, because you make women think that it's okay for some threatening man to just show up at the workplace and start threatening with his penis. He wants to use his penis. He's letting everyone know.

We don't want to know that you want to use your penis. Attention, attention. I want to use my penis in this office. Is anyone interested? But it is sad how that could really almost be a show. It would be pretty hilarious. Yeah. Send Doug to the zoo.

Yeah, it's hilarious. It's hilarious. It's hilarious and sad. That could be a show. It'd be a good show. Just Doug walking into spots and trying to fuck. Can we call this show hilarious and sad? Some people would beat your ass.

Sometimes it'd work. And every now and then you'd just get laid. But you'd have to film the whole season before anybody knew about it. That one, and finally until you get that one yes. It'd be like an Ali G thing. I don't think you'd get, I think you'd get many yeses. I think you'd be amazed. I think if you just took a chance, I think there's a lot of people out there, men and women.

You'd probably get a lot of men that'll fuck you too. You have to do both. Yeah, you gotta do both. For the show to be good, it's just a wide net. It's whoever says yes is who you... That's the other part of the show. It's the first person to say yes. That's who you've gotta be with.

It doesn't matter. I would say game show. Once they say yes, I'm like, you win a million dollars! Yeah. Yeah. No, you gotta... Maybe. Maybe that's the move.

We gotta reward slutty... Yes. Yeah, that's it. If a girl says yes and you actually have sex with her Oh shit never mind No no no It's a reward She won

It's a reward She won for being the biggest whore Now we're slut shaming We'll never go away Slut shaming Oh we fucked up again I'm so sorry I do

You know what man No that's slut upping I gotta say We're giving her money Here we go I'm gonna say something very unpopular Okay I don't like the word slut.

Yeah, I don't like it either. Well, it implies that there's something wrong with a woman having sex. Yeah, I think it's a fucked up word. I think it's bad. It's weird. That is a word. It's fun to use, though. It's fun to use. There's nothing wrong with being

a promiscuous woman at all. Just like there's nothing wrong with being a promiscuous woman at all. Just like there's nothing wrong with being a promiscuous man. Do you remember, let's just call her waitress number one. Do you remember waitress number one from the comedy store from Boston? She would always tell stories about banging all these different guys. She was hilarious. And she would tell stories about going out and banging all these guys. And almost always it was black guys.

And she would just go about going out and banging all these guys. And almost always it was black guys. And she would just go and... Not almost always. Well, it was one joke. I'd go, when was the last time you fucked a black guy? She was like, forever, yo. It was like seventh grade. Yeah, right. But she would tell us.

And we were all friends. So it was fun. It was like a guy talking about banging chicks. But it didn't seem nearly as gross. It was actually more humor filled. because she was so free about it And it wasn't like she was kind of bragging about it But it didn't hurt our feelings as men that she's out there fucking men it hurt my feelings She was hot and I could never hook up

Like I remember she uh, I remember when she's wearing a pair of like really nice jeans And she told me I fucked the guy for these jeans. That's so funny. And yeah, even if you would use the word slut, you didn't mean it in a bad way with her. I think the idea that a woman being promiscuous is any different than a man being promiscuous is so stupid. Yeah, it's so stupid. It gives a shit. It terrifies, it just terrifies guys who want to be in control to imagine that a woman can

do that without having to feel guilty about it. That's what it is. Yes, that's exactly what it is. That's exactly what it is. It's men who are worried about losing control over the woman that they love's body or the idea that even before you guys hooked up that she had multiple sex partners that will shame him, he's walking around holding her hand and knowing that these guys all saw her naked

and had sex with her. Which is, I mean, that's just... Ridiculous. Yeah, and that does happen. Of course. That is what happens. Of course. It's a test.

The universe is testing. Are you a bitch? Okay? If you freak out about some guy who fucked your girlfriend before you ever even met her you're a bitch yeah because only bitches cling to the past especially somebody else's past like what's wrong with you man you're freaking out about she well i was going through this thing in college and one time i tried a threesome get the fuck out of here yeah yeah. Yeah, it was these two guys, and it was really fun. I wanted to do it again, but God, I don't want. Then they fight over you, and one guy doesn't like you when you're having sex with the other guy,

and it was just too much. That's hilarious if you have that conversation with a chick you're dating. It's kind of revealing. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. But for some guys, like, you fucking whore. You let those guys come on you?

Let this guy fuck your mouth? What about your ass? You let him fuck your ass too? No big deal, yeah. It's only like you're going to get married and be the mother of my children. It's weird because maybe I would be saying the exact same thing but with a different tone in my voice.

Did they fuck your ass? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, wow. Really? Oh. What did you do? Did you get off on it? Yeah. How fun was it? Was it the best?

What was that like? Yeah. Yeah, man. Yeah, that's a really sad thing. I just feel bad because I think it's like, I mean, imagine if there was a negative connotation associated with guys having sex a lot. Imagine if your whole life was defined not just by like your sex drive, but also by the sense of guilt tied in with it where you had to be like a guy can have sex as much as he wants with pretty much zero guilt. pretty much zero guilt but if if a woman does that there's this sense of like you you're losing the value almost as though you're like you know like like you're some kind of like

i don't know you're something that's like gradually losing its essence and it's such bullshit and so horrible to to to think that that you have to deal with that guilt that's something women have to deal with and it sucks man's something women have to deal with, and it sucks, man. Their whole life is spent with this undercurrent of guilt. And when they're with a guy, even if they don't think it, they've been so conditioned by, like, what is it? Like virgins, like the cult of the virgin, the idea that there's power in a virgin,

or taking a girl's virginity or the untainted flower. That's bullshit. So, like, every time you're having sex, you've been conditioned in some way so that you feel a little darker than you need to. I'm sure a lot of people have overcome that guilt, but it's a guilt that guys don't have to deal with. Right. It's a guilt.

Yeah, you don't have to go to therapy to be yourself right to satisfy your desires yeah yeah it's it's i read i saw a picture on twitter where uh it was like there was two pictures one was a woman asking and one was an ancient asian guy an old asian guy wise zen master replying like why is it when a man has sex with many women he's a stud but if a woman does it she's a slut and he said because uh a key that uh can only open up oh a key that can open up many locks is a master key but a lock that works with any key is just a shitty lock that zen master sounds like a dick. He's kind of an asshole. He's a slut shamer. That fucking Zen master. Slut shaming.

Hey, look, I'm all for it. Salon.com, I'll write an article about slut shaming being bad. You know what I think, man? I think what they're doing is they're responding to the injustices of the world that are absolutely real. They're just doing it in a way that I don't agree with. And I think that what would be awesome is if these things didn't exist at all. If real sexism, like real sexism, where you judge someone

solely on the basis of their gender, not their personality and their gender, which automatically defaults to gender. If you have someone that has a shitty personality, even if they're productive in the job, you don't like their gender, like, if they're a woman. If you have an issue with a woman at work, you could become a woman hater just by virtue of you having this argument with that one person. I think until, like, that is resolved in our culture with, like, whether it's racism, whether it's homophobia, whether it's sexism, you're going to have to deal with backlash even from jokes because people are going to automatically want you to stop even joking about things because if you have even those thoughts in your head or you even express those words, you're hurting people. But you just can't be shrill, man.

If you're going to fight the war, don't be – there is some merit in it, but if you're going to go into a battle – It's the wrong way of handling yes use the right strategy because otherwise you end up doing the exact opposite of what you intended which is that you come off looking like a moron and the issue itself begins to seem even more irrelevant it does seem more relevant especially when you're not using humor and you're talking about humor like you're discussing something in the context as if it was said in court as an affidavit. You're talking about it as if it's policy.

You're talking about it as if it's a statement. Like, this is what I believe. Let me sign there. I've thought this through. I've printed it out. These are my views on the matter. No, you're manipulating the context in which this is even described.

Yeah. Fucking dummies. Dumb-dumbs. Get your shit together, bitch. Don't say dummy. You're pissing up the water. Speaking of pissing up the water, I really am. Holla.

So how did you get involved with Tim and Eric, and how long have you been doing it for? About nine years ago, I moved out to L.A. Ten years ago, and then nine years ago, I answered a Craigslist ad. I wanted to work on a funny TV show. And I answered one Craigslist ad, said, funny TV show needs an intern. That was them. That's it. Funny TV show needs an intern. Or like comedy show. And it turned out to be this cartoon that used to do called Tom Goes to the Mayor. Tom Goes to the Mayor? Tom Goes to the Mayor. What was that on? That was on Adult Swim, too.

Oh, okay. Yeah, so we did that show, I think three seasons of that. And then they started their sketch show, Tim and Eric, awesome show, great job. And I've just been working with those guys for a long time. And you started out as an intern and then became a video editor? Yeah, after just a few months. No shit. Because I already had a bunch of experience. They were kind of understaffed. an intern and then became a video editor yeah after just a few months because i already like

had a bunch of experience and i i just they were kind of understaffed i just brought on my laptop and i just was like you guys need help i can help doing photoshop stuff or whatever and led to a job did you go to school for video editing i went to film school in chicago columbia college uh and i did do editing there, I guess. Oh, that's cool. So that's a great fucking Hollywood success story. You applied for an ad, showed up at a show that needed work, added your influence, actually helped it, and launched you.

Yeah, it was great. Things kind of lined up. Timing was perfect on that. Well, those are great guys to work with, too, because their choices are so bizarre you know but their choices are so unique that you kind of like you get established like really early not to take that cliche path whereas if you got like a gig that paid like really well but you had to do like my three sons or what is that the two and a half men whatever the fuck it's called if you had to do something like that it's very cookie cutter well it really it eats on you it eats on your brain that's what i

had been going on when i lived in chicago i was editing like commercial not commercials but like just like stuff for like uh publicity shit and stuff like really just soul crushing boring stuff i think that's one of the reasons Why Charlie Sheen went fucking crazy Like a lot of people think I'm an asshole for saying that What else is new? But I was talking about I mean it makes sense

How mundane Yeah Because he's probably getting paid So much money to do like The lamest Yes Totally not challenging Yeah

Not exciting Not thrilling Not creatively rewarding Right Or whatever So he gets a little crazy. And so to blow off steam, what does he do? He's just fucking getting cracked out and getting hookers and going nutty.

Charlie Sheen, because of Two and a Half Men. Duncan just got back from peeing. Shh. I think that's partly one of the reasons why he flew off the handle. I mean, yeah, he's obviously got addictive personalities. But I think working on a show like that is so soul-sucking. But I think if it was me, I would say, okay, I have $100 million. Right.

I can just do stuff I'm interested in, but maybe he just had no kind of creative angle on something. Well, look at the difference between him then and him now on this anger management show. You fucking never hear about him anymore. I mean, he's not going crazy anymore. Right when it seems to be a better show i keep hearing good things eddie bravo likes it he thinks it's hilarious i mean i haven't watched it but i hear it's funny and so he's doing this new show now that is like more creatively refreshing or whatever or maybe he just got burnt out maybe he did so much coke he just gotta stop yeah he knew it was almost over maybe watch his own interviews and went whoa whoa son whoa what the fuck was i doing oh my god yeah

that's how i roll what uh and he owns a piece of that show too so he's making money even when ashton kutcher's on it yeah i just don't understand like for me personally i would i wouldn't take a job if i thought i would be doing six months because i just recently got an offer to do it something that went for nine months but it was like it might be something i kind of be bored with right i'd rather take you know less money and do less jobs but just pick the ones that i really love doing i don't think a lot of times you get involved in a sitcom you don't think it's going to be a piece of shit until you're actually working on it i was on a sitcom i'm not involved in a sitcom, you don't think it's going to be a piece of shit until you're actually working on it. I was on a sitcom.

I'm not talking about a sitcom or anything. Sitcoms are tricky. They're fucking tricky, man. I was on a sitcom that was a piece of shit, and it started off really good. It was called Hardball, and these guys, Jeff Martin and Kevin Kern, who wrote for The Simpsons,

and they wrote for Married With Children, they were really good writers, really funny guys, and Fox didn't think that they could handle it. So they took the show away from them and gave it to this hack from Coach. You know that show Coach? Yeah. This guy, I don't know what he did on Coach,

but whatever he did, he fucked up anything that was good. He brutalized the script. He brutalized the work environment. He alienated those guys from their own show and came in and rewrote everything on his yacht. Went to his yacht and rewrote everything. I mean, it was diggity, diggity dog shit. It was one of the worst fucking changes from pilot to actual series ever.

No one was happy. Everyone was like really, really broken up about it. And then they wound up firing him. And then they gave it back to the writers. But it was too late. The show was in a fucking four-episode tailspin. It only wound up airing like five or six but i got to see that happen i got to see something that was really good where a bunch of dimwits came in and threw in their two cents and just shit all over it that seems to happen a lot where like the original

creator gets like kicked off his own show yeah like you know john chris feluci the guy who did ren and stimpy yeah i think that happened to him he like created this whole show it was like his gets kicked off his own show. Like John Crisfalusi, the guy who did Ren and Stimpy. Yeah. I think that happened to him. He created this whole show. It was his thing, his complete vision. And then I think they fired him and kept doing his show without the creator.

Oh my god, that's so crazy. Harmon. Harmon, Dan Harmon. Yeah, similar community, right? They brought him back. Yeah, well, that's the only way you're going to get that show, dummy. The thing about your show, and i'm not blowing smoke up your ass but your show is so obviously you it's so you have this funny little smile in every episode where you're not the best

actor in the world you're not trying to be but it's half of what's funny about it is that you are you know you're you're going through these incredibly ridiculous scenarios over and over and over again. And I can recognize that you're enjoying the actual piece while you're a part of it. And it's really fun, man. It's cool. And if somebody came in and fucking started adding to it, especially some suit from Coach, they would just dick all over it. What is this shit? Yeah.

What are you showing me right now? This is horrible. I don't see why it's funny. I mean, I would love to just keep making these little YouTube shows than have that situation happen, like where some network changes it and, I don't know, ruins it in some way. It could probably become so big because it's so good that they can't do that. I think it's totally possible.

I think, I'm not blowing smoke up your ass again. I think your show is really fucking good. And I think like, letting all these people know about it now,

you're going to get like, more people downloading it and letting more people know about it on Twitter. It's just a matter of time. Yeah. The finding, finding it

is what's hard sometimes. It's like, there's so much good shit out there now. It's hard for people to find stuff. So what, It's true. When you have a podcast, it's one of the cool out there now. It's hard for people to find stuff. It's true. When you have a podcast,

it's one of the cool things that you get to be. You get to be like a guy who shows people some cool stuff that you found and gets to open the door for them. You're probably not going to need a network. They'll just fuck it up. They would never let you get away with that. There might be a network out there.

Adult Swim, maybe. They let Tim and Eric do their thing. what kind of resistance did you guys have ever actually adult swim is is pretty cool like that yeah yeah they kind of like tim and eric had a lot of freedom to obviously yeah yeah i mean fucking show so crazy yeah that show was so fun to work on because i would do screwed up edits like chop things up and like whatever, like kind of make a joke out of it just to show them to, so they could, you know, just almost to like surprise them thinking they're going to hate this, but it'll be funny to see them. And then they'd be like, do more of that.

You know, they push, push the weirdness and the network would be like that too. Like make it weirder, which is like a great note to get. I found out about you guys uh from eddie bravo eddie bravo um like i don't know if he got it on online or on is it available online like how could you there's a dvd available anything like that tim and eric stuff yeah yeah i think at adult swim.com they have like a ton of episodes and but there's dvds somewhere yeah it must be i'm pretty sure there are dvds yeah because i remember him watching like a ton of them in a row and having people over the house to watch them people are like what the fuck are you watching like and they're like he's like you

gotta understand what they're doing you don't understand what they're doing and like he'd have some people and he'd try to show it to them out of context and they just totally will get really mad at it yeah like this is funny. They get mad that people think it's funny. Yeah. Eddie got some of those reactions. But he fucking loves that show. God damn, he's always talking about that show. It's just such a weird show.

What was the one where they played like, I think it was Eric that played the guy that was in the trailer park and he got pregnant. Oh, that was for Funny or Die. That was fucking incredible. It's called The Terrys.

Yeah, The Terrys. That one's intense. It was so fucking crazy. It was one of the craziest things I've ever seen. Yeah. It was so ridiculous and preposterous and a perfect example of just taking something to this incredibly weird place that you never saw coming. Yeah, it's great. The Terry's, it's a good one.

Yeah, and Wareheim does music videos now, like really good music videos. Have you seen what, like? Oh, yeah, you should see some of these music videos. Have you ever seen some of the music videos he does? No. Bubble Butt? Holy shit. You would love Bubble Butt.

God, you should watch Bubble Butt, man. Pull that up. I did a music video with Eric called Backpacker Bush. Backpacker Bush? Yeah. Backpack or? Backpacker Bush. We were in New Zealand and we were at this Backpacker bar and he was talking about the

bushes there and we should make a song a rap about it like if you've been backpacked oh yeah let's play that man i want to see that again i haven't seen that in a while crack me up okay put on backpacker bush it's true man they're but it's true though if you've been in the on the appalachian trail and you're just hiking i'm sure you have a massive bush is that what they were talking about? Or are they talking about bushes? You'll see. Okay, don't tell me.

Let's just watch it. And for folks at home, why is Doug Benson on there? Skip ad. An ad? For what? He has a show on that channel. Oh.

Getting Doug with high, I think, right? Smell up here. It's like a... Wait, you got something else playing. You fucking sap. What is that? Got a lot of tabs going right now. What is that?

That was the dog's smell. Yeah, this takes a little minute. Just walks into the club here. There's a giant fat black guy with gold chains on. This looks like a pretty creative and funky place. There's got to be some trimming here for me tonight. I'm looking for strange. I'm hunting for slits I like to use my tongue

I'm a cunnilingus whiz I want to please my lovers with my sexy mouth and lips They always climax when I lick them like this I just won't stop Until you come. I can hit the G-spot with my long ass tongue. This is something you have to see, man. You have to see how preposterous this is.

We're missing so much of it. Yeah, we don't have to play the whole thing. I just want to do it. Let's not because otherwise it's just a bad rap. Yeah, it's like the context is that you've got this giant weird rapper in a backpacker bar surrounded by hippies the opposite place that he'd go to hook up with anyone yeah it's pretty strange but you got it yeah you have it doesn't probably bubble bud is another one that i recommend i would check that out yeah this is not something you should uh listen to you should definitely watch it you

gotta watch all these yeah well that's the beautiful thing about their show the show is you know the visually it's so bizarre. There's so much weird shit out now because of that, you know, because that sort of opens up the doors to this absurd sort of style of comedy. I think it's becoming more popular, right? I like that. Yeah, I like the fact that anyone can have their own thing, and if it catches on, it kind of catches on. Yeah, like we were talking

about people that were on Twitter that are funny on Twitter. It's very democratic, right? Yeah. Oh, for sure. Yeah, all it needs is... What is this, Jamie? Yeah, let's not play this while we're talking. I won't know what the fuck you're doing. I think it's

beautiful, because all it takes is one person to find it. They send it to someone else. Yes. That person sends it, and it virally spreads. I mean, so many things that are made by regular folks just virally spread. It doesn't even have to make sense. There were some people that were not famous at all,

and they made some Christmas rap about doing something in their Christmas jammies. It was like the husband, the wife, and the kids. It's got like fucking 30 million views or something like that. It was just a totally homemade thing that they did, and people started sending it to each other at work, and then next thing you know, it's this gigantic, huge fucking thing, just a freight train running over America, spreading from email to email.

It's cool. It's incredible. I did these videos. Have you ever seen the G.I. Joe voiceover remix videos from 10 years ago? God, those are so good, man. Yeah, me and my friend made the first – well, it was really my friend Eric Fensler's idea, but – What is it?

They went viral. They're these little 30-second – You know about those, right? I knew about this before I knew you had done it, Doug. I watched those when I was in probably like in my last year of college. It's like late 90s we made them. Oh, so good. Before YouTube.

They re-voiced over G.I. Joe commercials, more like what their lips would kind of be saying, but just mixed in with just weird. It's the same stuff that you do, man. It's just the same. Pull some up. God, I don't know. I hope it translates.

No, those are good to listen to because they're 30 seconds long. You sound like Bastard G.I. Joe. Public service announcements. Hey, you're not my friend. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, That was you. Wow. You'd have to see that. That's another. It's the cartoon, the G.I. Joe cartoon with different voices over it. Now I kind of remember it. Yeah, well, we did those before YouTube, and we made like a quick time of them. You know, back in the day, you had to like watch a quick time. What's more important, before YouTube or BC? That's the new, let's hit reset on time. Yeah, before... We are in the year five right now.

What year are we in? Before YouTube is the new BC, right? I mean, as far as historical? Like for historical reasons? Weird. Yeah, we got to hit reset on the clock. That is weird. If you really stop and think about it,

the ability to distribute information like that in video form never existed before like that. Yeah. And that's sort of a quick and easy to, I mean, it really will have an impact that's similar to a messiah. That is wild. YouTube is the messiah. In a lot of ways.

Well, the internet certainly is in a lot of ways, you know. I mean, if the internet wasn't a real thing and you talked about it, if you were all sitting around a campfire, and you're like, one day there will be a discovery. And the discovery will be that we can communicate our ideas not just through our mouth, but through wireless transmissions that can be picked up on the other side of the world. Wireless? What do you mean? Internet could work not just on one continent, but on all continents combined. You'd get tied up at that camp. They would go crazy. They'd get the flashlights out. What do you mean? The internet could work not just on one continent, but on all continents combined. You'd get tied up at that camp.

They would go crazy. They'd get the flashlights out. They lit that Giordano Bruno guy on fire because he insisted the universe was infinite. So imagine what the fuck they would do to you if you ever predicted the internet. Oh my God. Is there anything that anyone could say right now that they would get thrown in jail for? Like about a scientific concept? No. No, not anymore. We we're done we're past that we're done except if you're in like some shithole that you know

still wants to teach creationism and wants to throw you in jail because yeah like there's all these people that are freaking out because of what um neil tyson said on cosmos wait no they they just wanted their their counterpoint is what they want right they wanted also the creationist point of view, too. Well, because he was saying pretty clearly, you know, we understand, you know, the creation is kind of ridiculous. The biblical side of the universe is so tiny. What were you saying?

I thought I read that in the Middle East, atheism was being criminalized or something, but I don't remember where I saw that in some parts. It's probably the CIA just trying to get us excited about going over there and fucking things up. They don't like atheists. Yeah. I mean, they're not even allowing atheists.

Then the liberals have to step in and go, we have to protect the atheists. Right. And Salon.com, should we invade Syria since they're assaulting atheists? Should we now reconsider our invasion to protect atheism? I don't think that would sell as hard as if they were like, you know, blocking Christianity or something. I think that propaganda should be like a crime of the highest order. Yes. Manipulation like that, if that was really true, if someone actually really did do something like that in order to get people excited about war and made up some bullshit about them attacking atheism in order to get support on one side.

And then knowing that people are going to die because of that that should be yes it should be treated as like more than capital murder because it's murder of possibly hundreds of thousands if not millions of people who knows because you could cause with one engineered conflict you could cause a chain reaction that would cause a nuclear war which maybe ruin the environment forever like that you should be treated like that. Right. Like, anyone who instigates war, like, we were so nonchalant about the idea that they were considering a false flag attack on Iran, a false flag attack that Iran engineered on America right before the end of the Bush administration. Oh, yeah.

You guys aware of that? Yeah, it was something... Is it a known fact that they were considering? I'm pretty sure. I should probably Google it. But Cheney, let's look up Cheney planned false flag. Cheney planned false flag Iran. Cheney.

I think it was pretty much established that they were considering it. I heard he's a nice guy, though. He's the shit. I hear he's like... He's hilarious. He's like so cool. Well, if you're ever having girl problems... You ever have a beer with him? He's a great guy. Yeah. I hear he's like he's like so cool like well if you're ever having girl problems

you ever have a beer with him he's a great guy yeah yeah the media blackout on Cheney Iran false flag there's a guy

google it Jamie because it's only four minutes there's a guy talking about it I read the latest article that you wrote that I found actually

most interesting in the article hasn't got that much attention but I want to get your take on this. And this relates to a story or an incident that happened a couple months ago. Many of you remember it. It was in the Strait of Hormuz.

There was an incident where an American carrier almost blew a couple of Iranian speedboats out of the water and perhaps would have started the next war, a war against Iran, or potentially a World War III. And it was averted, thankfully, at the last second. We later learned that there was really nothing to be terribly concerned about, the incident was overblown, and that there was a vice admiral in charge of the fleet and the Strait of Hormuz who said basically there was no concern there, that it was overblown. Well, yeah, the second part basically.

He was concerned, but it was – Yeah, but it was overblown. Well, yeah, the second part, basically. He was concerned, but it was overblown. We were never threatened. We were never threatened. And you talk about this vice admiral's name is Kevin Cosgrove, and in your article you write, nonetheless, Cosgrove's demeanor angered Cheney, according to the former senior intelligence official. But a lesson was learned in the incident.

The public had supported the idea of retaliation and was even asking why the u.s didn't do more the former official said that a few weeks later a meeting took place in the vice president's office quote the subject was how to create a cautious belly between tehran and was Washington he said what you're writing there is that Cheney there was a meeting in the White House where Cheney presided over looking to cook up the next war a false war based on false intelligence my oldest son is a lawyer and when I sent him this story before it was published, basically in a final form, just a day. And he wrote back and he said, you really buried the lead in this one about Casas Belli. How many press are here?

Anyway, there was a meeting among the items considered and rejected, which is why the New Yorker did not publish it on grounds that it wasn't accepted One of the items was why not every there was a dozen ideas proffered I had a trigger war the one that interests me the most was Why don't we build we and our shipyard build four or five? I rate boats that look like Iranian PT boats put Navy seals on them With a lot of arms and the next time one of our boats goes through the Straits of Hormuz, start a shoot-up.

Might cost some lives. And it was rejected because you can't have Americans killing Americans. But that's the kind of, that's the level of stuff we were talking about. Wow. Provocation. Okay. But that was rejected. Holy fuck.

That was rejected. But the idea that that could ever even be discussed. And you're not talking about the 1960s either. You're talking about the 2000s. Come on, we're just spitballing here. We're just throwing out ideas. Yeah. Hey, the only way to really, you gotta be free.

You gotta be free. Take outside the box a little bit. Hey, how come you guys are all for fucking freedom with jokes? We can't be free with foreign policy? Yeah. Come on. Yeah. We gotta be creative, man.

We're brainstorming. We're throwing things around, man. We're not committed to these things, man. We're brainstorming. We're throwing things around, man. We're not committed to these things, man. We're fucking free spirits here. That's the kind of outside-the-box thinking that got you in that position, dick. He had a fucking fake heart for a while, and he didn't even have a pulse. If that's not in the Bible, you tell me what is. A dude who's running the military.

Just a constant. Just blood pumping straight through. You touch him, he doesn't have a pulse. He's dead. Does he have a real pump now? No, now he's real heart. He had a heart transplant. He got somebody else's heart. I would have kept the fake one. I used to have a joke about it. I bet it's

Bin Laden's heart. That's what that operation was about. I had a joke about how there was an extra secret service agent and everybody else was eating burgers. They gave him tofu and salad. He was like, what the fuck? And they're like, jog more laps. I don't want fucking, you guys aren't jogging.

Fucking jog more laps. And they followed Chaney no matter what with a giant truck that had no markings on it. Like, what's with the truck? Shut up and do more laps. And then the moment Chaney dies, they fucking tase this guy, hold him down, gut him like a fish, pull out his beautiful, healthy healthy tofu-ridden heart, open Chaney up, throw him in the back of the truck and stitch him together. I bet when you open up

Chaney's chest cavity, bats fly out. It's probably like that episode, or that scene in the movie The Thing, the John Carpenter movie, where his chest opens up like a giant mouth and just fucking snaps your arms off. The ribcage is its own mouth.

Yeah. The rib cage. Do you remember that scene? Yeah. The scene where they first found out that there was a fucking monster amongst them. What a great movie. Oh, it was great. You know, there's a really old thing.

It's really kind of interesting. That's the one I'm talking about. No. I don't like the new one as much. No, no, no, no. So there's three of them then? There's three. Yeah, there's one from the 1950s, I believe.

I think it's the 50s. The John Carpenter thing is like a really legit scary movie. Oh, yeah. The John Carpenter is great. Hey, man, the new one's not bad either. The new one is not bad. The Thing from Another World, it's called, from 1951. It's based on the same story?

Yeah, that's the original story. The original story, it's the same thing. I did not know that. They're out in the cold. It's fucking great. Because it's not just a movie. It's also a time capsule. You're watching.

They didn't know shit about making movies back then. The way they did it was so... Here it is right here. Look at this. They're still figuring out how to scare people with film. Same font. This is the spot where it was right here. Look at this. They're still figuring out how to scare people with film. Same font. This is a Tim and Eric sketch. I shot at it. I hit it. I know it. Nothing happened. It just kept coming at me, making a noise like a cat mewing. Captain, it was awful.

You could have seen those hands and those eyes. Captain, you've got to do something about it. You've got to. They smack him just like a woman. You get hysterical. They threw water in their face. Both of them. Yeah. Astounding questions that not even the world's greatest scientific minds can answer.

Gentlemen, do you realize what we've found? A being from another world as different from us as one pole from the other. If we can only communicate with it... See? In the greenhouse, I was working. I couldn't see. Then a blast of cold air and I heard Olsen scream. Come here. Get in the car. Now hold this in my Netflix queue. Oh, it's got to be, man.

I'm telling you. You just got to get super big to watch it. Look at the monsters coming. They're going to shoot it. Oh, it's on fire. Oh, it's so stupid. Flames cannot destroy the thing. Oh, my God.

Nor bullets kill it. A story of modern science that challenges imagination. Okay. You can cut it off. It's awesome, though. Really? The full movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I watched it on a plane. I was trapped. There was nowhere to go. So I watched it. Movies are always better on a plane. A lot of times. it was uh it was available it was for i was flying to england and it was long flight and they had like a pretty good selection of movies that you could rent or you could watch rather and this was one of them i enjoy the shit out of it man i am i was like in

tears watching a jennifer aniston like rom-com it made you you cry? Like laughter? Because I was on a plane. No, for some reason I was like connecting with the story and like watering up. Like what is it about the plane? Is it the oxygen or something? I've watered up on a plane.

You're loopy. You're drunk. I should have worn my diaper. I should have worn my lubricated diaper. On the plane. I've watched two Woody Allen movies

on a plane. I haven't watched Woody Allen movies forever and I watched two of them on a plane. I've watched Blue Jasmine on a on a plane. I haven't watched Woody Allen movies forever, and I watched two of them on a plane. I've watched Blue Jasmine on a plane. Or did I watch it in a hotel room? But I watched the other one on a plane, Midnight in Paris. I like that one.

It's a good fucking movie, but I would have never sat down and watched that if I wasn't trapped in a seat. Right. It was a really good movie. But it was interesting watching Owen Wilson play Woody Allen. Have you seen it? Yeah, I don't remember. He's doing Woody Allen. Oh, that's weird. I guess I wasn't paying attention when I watched the whole movie. How could you not

pay attention to that? I mean, it's like so obvious what he's doing. He's doing his version of Woody Allen. I mean, he is Woody Allen. Woody Allen's too old to do that character anymore. Nobody wants to see him talk about being in love anymore. So he has to have other people sort of play him

like as avatars. Owen Wilson is essentially his avatar in that movie. It's a trippy movie. It's a really trippy movie. He's a weird case, man. Owen? No, Woody.

They have both of them. The last long flight I was on, I saw Barry Lyndon. What's that? The Kubrick film. Oh, yeah. It's like four hours long, but I was on, I saw Barry Lyndon. What's that? Kubrick film. Oh, yeah. It's like four hours long, but I was flying to New Zealand, so I had all this time to kill. That's never a film I would ever watch because it's like four hours long.

But that's the one that they say that that's one of the ones that spawned the moon conspiracy. Huh? Because they say that he wanted to film candlelight without using regular lighting. So he needed a special kind of camera to do it. And they say that NASA developed this special lens to film candlelight or something. And then that's the beginning of the conspiracy theory that he traded this lens for shooting a movie. Well, he did. Yeah, he invented his own camera.

I don't know the exact details, but he took a NASA camera and put his own special lens on it. But Barry Lyndon was 75. No, but it was in the setting. You know what I mean? He wanted to shoot candlelight. Oh, they came after the moon landing. Yeah, the movie came after the moon landing.

Hey, you tell me, guys. I didn't write it. I don't know. Between 69 and 72 was all the moon missions. We went to the moon, right? We went to the moon in 78. Most likely. I would say 99%.

But it would be awesome if that 1% was true. If they really faked it, that would be hilarious. I'm still willing to hold that hope. Do you think it would be cooler if they faked it or if they really went there? For sure faked it. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. At this point in time, because it's even more of an accomplishment.

That's true. We know that people have been in space. We know that people definitely can go to space. We know that people definitely can go to space stations. All those are huge accomplishments. Going to the moon, for sure, is another huge accomplishment. But faking that they went to the moon is a magnificent display of propaganda. If they really did do that, it would be incredible.

I was convinced for years that they faked it. Man, that's something like, do you ever get that weird ache when you realize like, you'll never get to stand on the moon

or like, you'll never get to stand on Mars? That feeling of like- I don't want to ever stand in those places. Fuck those places, dude. Are you kidding?

Those places suck. Fuck. No. How dare you? It would be amazing to- Well, I don't know why I said how dare you about insulting Mars. It would be cool though. It would be amazing well I don't know why I said how dare you

about insulting Mars it would be cool though it would be so like when you read about Titan and how it's like oceans of methane

yeah you can't live on there son but it'd be cool I know I'm just saying if you were immortal to like see what an ocean of methane look like

they could make they could send a camera there I'll watch the footage they'll be fine I'll be happy with that they could send a camera there. I'll watch the footage. They did. I'll be happy with that. They did send a camera there. I think that's the move from now on.

Send a drone to get deep in and film the stuff. Until we get so advanced, I mean, we have to get so fucking advanced that we can just go places like instantaneously. Then it'll be exciting.

You know, because like, look, traveling to another country used to be some insane thing that no one did when they had sailboats. I mean, we can't even wrap our head around how distant Australia was 500 years ago. We can't. It's not available to us. The idea isn't even available.

We didn't even know. If you were the average person that lived here in Americaica you have the the concept of australia was so alien to you but now it's i mean 20 of the people that you run into have been australia right i mean what i mean what of us at least if you're traveling around with comedians it's probably even higher than that i know a lot of people that have been australia i know people jim jeffries who was on the podcast the other day he fucking is from Australia. I mean it's normal. We can't even imagine

what it's going to be like a thousand years from now when you probably can go to a planet easily when you can go to space easily. It probably will be like a thousand years of innovation because I think that the difference between getting out into space and then getting back pretty quickly and actually going somewhere and living like Battlestar Galactica type shit.

Yeah. We're probably so fucking far from that. We're so far from that that it's as far as the internet is from people who are riding horses. From the internet is before they invented the wheel. I think the coolest invention would be teleporting. Yeah. If you could just like be in Hawaii right now.

Right after this, we'd walk outside and just snap, and we're on Kauai. Hawaii would be fucked if they invented teleporting. That would be pretty dope. That would probably ruin the world, wouldn't it? It would be just too much trampling. Everyone would be trampling on the pretty places. Just teleport to Hawaii, like if it was an app. Hawaii would just be filled with people.

Yeah. Can you imagine if you could just instantly go to Hawaii anytime you wanted? The beautiful thing about Hawaii is it takes five hours to get there on a plane. That's what's so awesome about it. The quickest way to get there is five fucking hours. That's why it's so awesome. Did you ever read that Stephen King story, The Jaunt? No.

What is it? Oh, it's so good. I think it's called The Jaunt. Oh, fuck. It's so good, man. It's like they've invented teleportation. It's somewhere in the future. They have like airports for teleportation.

But the thing is, they've got to anesthetize you so that you're asleep when you go through. Because if you're awake when you go through, it feels like infinity. It feels like you're floating in blackness for infinity. And people come out the other side insane or like you know like they've lost their minds because they're gibbering that's probably how it will be because what would teleportation be like disassembling your atoms and then reassembling them somewhere else or something yeah yeah that's a good question i mean is it gonna be like some star trek type shit in the story they say like it's a really quick story

So you can barely it's good. Just read it. This is a little bit of a spoiler But you should just read it anyway, but they want to know what happens Inside the teleportation device because they figure out that if a thing is awake when it comes through the other end it dies So they get someone on death row and they tell us if you go through and tell us what happens in there We're gonna like let you off the hook your sentence will be forgotten you'll be forgiven guy comes out the other side he's like fucked up and he says it's a long time in there and then he dies well did you hear about that recent idea that they'd come up with some sort of a chemical treatment

that they would give to someone that would allow them to live 1,000 years in eight hours? Yeah. It would be the equivalent of 1,000 years in eight hours. What? Yeah, exactly. It's like some super strong weed? Salvia.

Time really slows down. I don't know the logic behind it. I don't understand it. I've tried to understand what they're saying, but the idea being that you would experience the equivalent of a thousand years by yourself in eight hours. Wow.

That would suck because you can't like, read a, what would you do? You're just like in a state of staring? God, that sounds like a great It could be a horrifying experience. Well, not only that, who's to say that you, here, prisoners could serve a thousand year sentence in eight hours. Biotechnology

could be used to make prisoners feel as if they were serving a thousand year sentence. Oh my god. Well, the problem is, man. Then those people can really serve those thousand year sentences. Those people would fucking come out crazy. Yeah, you're not helping society with that thousand year sentence. Like the Bradley

Manning situation. They kept that guy, now girl, they kept him in a cell by himself for days, days, days, days, days, became years, years, years. No contact with human beings, totally naked and cold. And then just broke him. over time just broke them broke them i mean the the the idea that you could go through years and years of solitary confinement naked and be the same person you were when they brought you in there this is ridiculous there's a lot of people in solitary confinement i heard some story about it like an npr or something like they used to do it as like a special punishment put you in there for put you in the hole for a little. But now it's like people are just permanently in solitary for, like, years or something.

Well, I would imagine that. The only contact is, like, when they get the lunch guy sliding the lunch in. That's fucking crazy. That's fucking completely crazy. Like, the idea that you can do that to a human being. I mean, if you want to do that to a human being, you should be killing that person. Yeah, I would just, like, rather die than do that. For the rest of your life?

The rest of your life by yourself? that's a weird kind of special torture yeah you're just holding them here for some reason you're like we're just going to keep you on the edge of infinity for as long as we can we'll keep you alive but everything that you know everything that you have come to understand as being a human being is totally taken away from you outside of the basics you You can eat, you can shit, you can piss and sleep, but that's it. You can do push-ups and burpees.

The idea is unbelievably insane. And there's nothing you can do about it. That's just what they do. And to try to change that now, I mean, there's a goddamn momentous movement. I mean the the amount of people that have been put in solitary confinement the amount of time that's been devoted to this

style of torture they can take you and remove one of the most important aspects of being a human being human contact and then just break you break your your mind. How is that helping society? By, like, torturing someone? Shouldn't we try to fix that person? Look at that. There are 80,000 Americans currently held in solitary confinement. What the fuck? Well, what's number three on that list? Solitary confinement was developed as a humane alternative.

To what? To shooting them in the face. To waterboarding? They didn't even have waterboarding back then. That's the latest. Actually, waterboarding is an old technique. Is it really? Yeah.

How old is it? There's reports of them doing it in, I think, the late 1800s or World War I or something. This book I'm reading about World War II pilots. They were talking about somebody was torturing someone with waterboarding techniques. Kind of makes sense. In the Philippines. Wow. It's been around. Solitary is scary shit, man. I mean, if you really think that someone's that bad,

shouldn't we remove them? We should remove them from society. Remove them, period. And if you don't, you gotta give them what it is to be human. You gotta let them interact with people. If you don't, you're not just punishing them what it is to be human. You've got to let them interact with people. If you don't, you're not just punishing them. You're torturing them. It's a constant torture.

Well, it is torture. It's a slow drip. It's definitely torture. It's not solving a problem. It's making more problems, right? Yeah. For sure. Well, what's going on in Abu Ghraib?

Or what's going on in Guantanamo Bay? I mean, what is that kind of torture doing? Causing more terrorists or something? Well, what you were talking about the last time we were discussing... Chemical waterboarding? Yeah, this chemical larium, malaria disease that they give to prisoners. There's a drug called larium

that my friend took, got complete amnesia. So this drug, larium, they give it to prisoners in Guantanamo Bay in really high doses when they first get there and you know it has the potential for causing amnesia and when you have amnesia that's when someone can really control you because you don't remember who you are and so someone will just tell you who you are

this is all detainees at Guantanamo Bay all of them they're all taking this L'Ariam Defense Department forced all war on terror detainees at Guantanamo Bay. All of them. They're all taking this larium? Defense Department forced all War on Terror detainees at the Guantanamo Bay prison to take a high dosage of a controversial anti-malarial drug. The actual term is melphloquine.

Melphloquine? Does this effect only have... only affects a certain percentage of people that take it? Only if you're like allergic to it or something? Well, it gives you shitty dreams minimum. I mean, some people maybe don't have that, but it'll give you shitty dreams, but that's at a regular dose.

They're giving these poor bastards huge doses of this stuff. So, I mean, you're already going crazy. You've been kidnapped by, you know, you've been kidnapped by you know you've been kidnapped by weirdos a lot of those people were shepherds you know they were just out there like doing nothing they were just farmers and they were in the wrong place at the wrong time swept up without a trial in a black helicopter never see your kids or your family again you get taken to this weird island by these psychopaths

who start poisoning you. And it's not in America. And it's not in America. But how do you know? It's not in America. They're in Cuba. That's crazy. That's in Cuba, too.

It's very crazy. And it's called, I mean, the U.S. Army public health physician is the one who named it pharmacological waterboarding. Wow. There was a U.S. Army physician that came up with that term. Pharmacological waterboarding. Wow. There was a U.S. Army physician that came up with that term. Pharmacological waterboarding. Because when you have amnesia, you don't remember who you are and you start believing what people are saying to you. They're like,

yes, you were a terrorist. You were involved in... Oh, I thought they would tell them something nice. You were a clown. You live in this room now, this little cement room. Yeah. And that's your home. This is your home.

They should do that to him. At least make him feel a little better. It's fucking insane to think about being kid. Imagine just reverse that. You're walking down the street. You're in Culver City. A helicopter comes down, grabs you, carries you away. Suddenly, you're in some weird brick building with people.

You can't even understand what they're saying. There's a translator with them. They're just like telling you what, tell us what you did. We know what you did. Where are the rest of the attacks going to happen? Well, they said that the premise that they would deliver it to was they say in case these people had malaria. But before they would even test them for malaria,

they would give them a dose five times higher than the prophylactic dose giving to individuals to prevent the disease. And that made my friend completely forget his past. But he eventually remembers it now. Well, yeah, but it took. Is it a temporary? That's what's scary about it, man.

Look up larium. It says there it was invented by U.S. Army and was routinely given to soldiers deployed overseas. What the hell? Look up larium suicide note. There's this famous suicide note by a guy who lost his shit on larium and then just killed himself. If you really want to, like, see how bad this shit is, this is a really dark, dark thing.

Well, they were probably giving it to soldiers to prevent malaria, and then they realized, like, whoa, this has a very unique property. All the best drugs come out of military stuff, right? Only the best. Isn't meth from, like, Air Force? Yes. Well, not Air Force.

It was actually, like, I think it was Japan and Germany were the first people to come up with it, I believe. Or the first people to harness it for military reasons. Did they invent ecstasy for the war? MDMA? Imagine, like, everyone's on ecstasy. But they certainly did some experimenting with it. They also did experimenting with DMT. The way Terrence McKenna first found out about DMT,

he knew a guy who worked at the Army Research Lab. The guy came over with a barrel full of this stuff. A barrel? Yeah, he said the Army had a barrel of this shit. A barrel of DMT? They had synthesized a fucking barrel of this shit. The purest of the pure. Clean, white DMT. They had synthesized a fucking barrel of this shit. The purest of the pure. Clean, white DMT.

One micro drop would do an effect? Well, you'd smoke it. But yeah, he said that they had just an insane supply of this stuff. And McKenna was, that was how he was introduced to DMT. It was the Army's fucking DMT that got Terrence McKenna high the first time. And then he was like, holy shit. And then he went from there to become the Terrence McKenna we all knew and loved. Wow.

He got high the first time on military grade DMT? The first time he got high on DMT, it was from the fucking U.S. Army Research Lab Supply. Some guy who he used to refer to as the real Terrence McKenna. He knew a guy like many of us do growing up This guy was kind of underground and this is the guy that was the real guy who told him about all this stuff and sort Of it was his guru of all these things. Who is that some cat? There was a scientist Oh, and McKenna McKenna got a hold of DMT from him for the first time and you know He said that they basically had to hold him down like, just couldn't stop saying, I can't believe it.

I cannot believe it. I cannot believe this is real. I cannot believe it. Like what he's saying or the barrel? What he saw. He had his idea of what drugs were. I mean, he had psychedelic experiences. He had had LSD.

He had done morning glory seeds and had some pretty intense visionary experiences. But the description of DMT that's probably the best one that I've ever come up with is mushrooms times a million plus aliens. That if you think that mushrooms are crazy, and they are crazy. Mushrooms are absolutely mind-blowing, life-changing things. And you think, well, that's about as crazy as it can get. And then you do DMT and you go, oh, wait, this isn't even thinkable. I couldn't even have made this up.

I can almost imagine mushrooms. Almost, not really, but almost. But then DMT just – and then inside the DMT trips a lot of times you'll have – it'll show you something that's impossible and it'll show you something a million times more impossible. Like you think you've hit the end. You're like, this is, how could this be? And then, whoa.

Do you remember these things? Or do you just remember seeing, you remember seeing something that's impossible? DJ Dog Pound wants to get high. Do you sense it? He's thinking. Yes. It's very appealing. I want to see impossible stuff.

The best way to remember it is to write it down or to talk about it and record it but the true memory of it the true memory if i had to be completely honest with you is very fragmented it's very um like there's lessons that i learned for sure and there's images that i still recall and there's feelings that i can remember like being in the middle of and having these feelings but it slips through your fingers so it's like a super psychedelic dream where you wake up and you're like, what the fuck was that? And then five minutes later, you kind of don't remember. So you're trying to carry the ocean home in your hands.

Yes. And you feel, but you still feel good from it. It's like somebody whispered the secret of everything into your ear and it's good news. And then you're like, oh oh but you can't verbalize it yeah and you can't remember and you can't but you just feel after you've done it it's a snapchat it's a snapchat with god that's what it is god sends you a snapchat that is what it is that's kind of a snapchat put it man in a way um and then you have the memory of that pussy in your face wow yeah you just remember but it's

amazing it's life-changing in a really positive way like it's for most people but i've heard some people have some really horrendous experiences on it too yeah like that fighting it or the girl who did the dmt enema yeah and she said she was just like going through she took it in yeah i want to get her on the podcast man What's her name? Neurosoup She's got a YouTube channel She was also the girl that was a part of that whole thing

With that guy that had a MDMA lab LSD lab It was her I saw that documentary Yeah it was a vice piece She was the girlfriend Wasn't that Hamilton Morris? Yeah it was a vice piece she was the girlfriend yes it was it wasn't that hamilton morris wasn't that hamilton yeah yeah yeah it was hamilton and it was a vice piece she was the girlfriend she was a stripper and she met this guy who was a drug dealer and it became this

i mean it is a wild story i really want to stop there i want people to not get it from me just get it in its entirety i highly recommend it it's really cool it's really cool and it's creepy really creepy crazy scary kind of like sad that someone could be into these mind expanding drugs and then be so dark like he just took it to like a dark yeah evil sort of place i mean he was a fucking informant for the government i mean it was it got really crazy a drug dealer became an informant i'm not telling you anymore. You got to look it up. It's a goddamn great movie. It would be a great movie. If somebody did just a factual accounts

with no fuckery, you don't have to doctor it up at all. It's an amazing account. Neurosoup is her name on YouTube. She's got some great videos on YouTube. And her YouTube stuff and then her Hamilton Morris thing. I don't remember what the,

what Hamilton Morris's title of it was. You can find it. Let people know. But, yeah. Look, there's some weird stories out there. People have done some terrible things. Don't put DMT in your asshole. Or do.

Well, what happened? I say don't. What's her report? She's still with us, right? I think what happens when you put DMT in your asshole is probably pretty similar to what happens when you do it intravenously. And the intravenous trips that were reported by Dr. Rick Strassman in the book DMT, The Spirit Molecule, they were very long. They were like, instead of 10 to 15 minutes, which is a normal DMT trip, they were more than a half hour. Instead of 10 to 15 minutes, which is a normal DMT trip,

they were more than a half hour. And much more intense, it seemed like, that people got right to the source. Hamilton's Pharmacopia. But yeah, but that's the name of his show. What's the name of the episode? Just find a specific episode. I'm sure a simple Google. But her report was like it wasn't getting to the source.

She was like trapped in these tunnels or something. Crystal. Crystal's the name. K-R-Y-S-T-L-E. Hamilton Morris and NeuroSoup. If you just Google that, you'll find it. But Hamilton is a very cool guy, a very interesting guy. Has a lot of really fascinating videos and articles about various psychedelics. He's a very bright guy.

Knows a lot about them on top of being just kind of a cool weirdo. He was on the podcast. We fucked up. We got him too high. Got too high. He came over. He came over to talk to me about the tank and we went to the basement. He can get too high? He seems like he's just a drug man. Dude, the whole world can get too high.

I got too high. Red Band got too high. We went too deep. We got fucked up. Because the only other time we did that was, we definitely did that with Anthony Bourdain, too. Because we were like, fucking Anthony Bourdain's at my house. I think I heard that episode. He seems kind of cool. He's very cool.

He kind of held his shit together. Yeah, he's very cool. I really love that guy. But we just kept going. I kept handing him the joint. He kept tucking it. I was like, does this motherfucker even know? Because the people who live in New York, I mean, I knew he's a guy who's experienced a lot of substances, right?

So I knew he'd be fine. But at a certain point in time, the body just has a breakdown. Even Joey Diaz. We had probably seven, eight hits. And you know where that goes. Yeah. You're talking on a podcast. Yeah.

You might be able to keep it together if you didn't have to talk. on a podcast like yeah good fucking you might be able to keep it together if you didn't have to talk but just managing your thoughts and talking at the same time is fucking it's problematic yeah have you heard that thing that you can smoke yourself sober you think that's true i've heard that but i think people just forget what sober what do you mean smoke yourself sober that you're that apparently like you're not stoned anymore yeah it starts triggering a thing in your brain that actually acts as an antidote or something like you get a high enough dose and it starts having a reverse effect sounds like something yeah man just take you get sober man i wonder okay let's let's google that. Can you smoke yourself sober?

Can you smoke yourself? It's fucking one of the first things you look up in Google. It's right there. Okay, let's find out. What is this, Yahoo Answers? Okay, smoking yourself sober is possible. Read here from marijuana.com. So you know it's got to be legit. They sponsor Doug Benson's bathroom.

They sponsor everything he does. I figured out that the cannabinoid receptors in your body absorbed... Oh, what is this word? Whose eye? Some fucking guy who's really smart, dude. Relax. Okay, this is hilarious because he obviously cut and pasted the word because there's a different font between

I have figured out the cannabinoid receptors in your body absorb. Like, look. Look at this. Look. Isn't that smaller? Yeah, yeah, yeah. See? It's in a capital letter.

It's smaller than all the rest. Then the font becomes smaller for the rest of the thing. So he copied and pasted it in WordPress. This is one of those articles written by the robot that he was talking about. No, this guy just smoked himself sober when he wrote this article. This guy fucked up is what he did. Now I'm not buying your bullshit, son. This is the word.

Anadamide. Anadamide. A-N-A-N-D-A-M-I-D-E. Sorry. I'm really high. This is the last thing he says. Okay, well, that's not. So when you get sober halfway through your session,

it's just because you finished breaking down the old THC. Basically, okay, he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. No, he doesn't. Duncan, let's smoke you. Smoke yourself sober. Let's try it. This guy's response, I feel like, in theory, that first half sounded really good.

Then your baked-edness just took you down a different path. This guy's response, I feel like, in theory, that first half sounded really good. Then your baked-edness just took you down a different path. It's hard to reach giant premises when there's a carousel spinning around in your head playing music, if you get what I'm saying. I feel like although theoretically it is possible, I doubt one would ever fill up every receptor in their brain with THC, thus halting a further increase of your high. I think you just get so high you forget you're high. Right. That's my theory.

It's much easier. Occam's razor. Go with that. You forgot what sober is. You're so baked you forgot. I'm sober, dude. You forgot what being sober really feels like. You're just talking shit.

I don't like to get that high. Me neither. I used to, though. I'd like to get that high if I know I'm going to do something like fly on a plane. Really? Oh, man. I hate that. I would be thinking about the plane. You've got to force yourself to be strong. Every little thing that could go wrong, I'd be focused on that.

Every little thing she does is magic. I think it's good, though. It's good to have those experiences every now and then because when you land, you feel so good about life. You're so happy. You just sobered up and nothing happened. You're like, God, I'm going to be okay. But a plane is a good place to get really high because you're in a relatively

safe place outside of the fact. I've been so high on a plane. If you can keep it together. I've been so high on a plane when I was taking off that I thought I was going to start screaming. Like for a quick, quick second. Ari almost did once. Yeah, it happens, man. You feel like you're going to have a heart attack.

Yeah, that sounds great. Yeah. But then when you're in the air, and also the time, shit, man. Remember on Air France? Remember that? Which one? Oh, we went to England? Yeah. Yeah. What that? Which one? Oh, we went to England? Yeah.

What happened? I just remember having ingested an edible before coming into the airport area. Way outside the airport. Nowhere near where it's illegal. I remember taking an edible. In Colorado. After the war.

Way after the war. But like Joe, because it's like the UFC, they've hooked him up with these first-class insane seats. I still think about it. Like every couple of days, I'll think about that flight just because it was so luxurious. I'd never been in a – you're like flying with the Illuminati. There's like Dutch oil billionaires across from you

who act like it's normal you watch them like take their shoes off and put on new pants they have like luxury flying clothes that they wear pajamas pajamas they put on their pajamas and your seat goes all the way back and it's a big huge weird bubble seat that can swirl around but so it's a perfect place to be super high until we hit fucking turbulence remember that oh yeah and when the captain came on and said this turbulence is probably going to keep up for the rest of the flight and i'm fucking high man like scared like you're i'm just thinking why would you do that whatever i gotta i gotta get drunk at the airport That's what I do

I've been in those turbulent flights Where it's like three hours of turbulence You just drink and then you're like Not as terrified Unfortunately gentlemen we're out of time Sorry to end on that story Sorry to freak everybody out What else happened Duncan is that the end of the story

That's how it goes There's no punchline to that Your show on YouTube. How do people find it again? Poundhouse. You can go to my website, DougPoundWith2Gs.com or just go to

Doug Poundhouse. Thank you so much for the incense. I'm going to burn some of this in your honor. Thank you, sir. You gave it to me the other day. I love the smell of this shit.

Nag Champa. It's so perfect. It's a beautiful way. Can you chant while we do our podcast sponsors? Home. We want to thank our sponsors. Thanks to Ting.

Thanks to go to rogan.ting.com. You can save $25 off your first phone. Thanks also to onnit.com. Go to O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word ROGAN. Save 10% off any and all supplements. I will be traveling to Miami tomorrow. Oh, so excited.

I will be with young Tony Hinchcliffe, and we will be going to the Fillmore, playing at the Jackie Gleason Theater in Miami tomorrow night. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers. And then I will be in Baltimore and Orlando by the end of the month. I'm very excited. Those shows are almost sold out, but there's still some tickets left for Miami. Orlando is April 18th.

Baltimore is the 25th. Go to JoeRogan.net for tickets. If you want to listen to one of the most awesome podcasts in the history of the universe, then you want to listen to the Duncan Trussell Family Hour. That's available at DuncanTrussell.com. It's also available on iTunes. It's also on Stitcher. The universe wants you to be a part of this.

And you want to be a part of the universe, since you already are. How pretentious. Imagine if I said the only way to be a part of the universe is if you pay attention to us. That's pretty ridiculous. But I mean it. So get on it. O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word Rogan.

Save 10% off. All right. We'll be back next week. We got a lot of great podcasts coming up next week. I don't even want to tell you who it is because I want to surprise you with awesomeness. So much love, everybody. See you next weekend. And for everyone, a big hug and a big kiss.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. M.

M. M. M. a good day to the next