The Joe Rogan Experience - #481 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: April 7, 2014

Ari Shaffir is a stand-up comedian and also hosts his own podcasts "Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank" and "Punch Drunk Sports", available on Spotify.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. Oh, sweet baby Jesus. Ari Shafir, fresh off of a headlining gig at the fucking Tempe Improv. Yeah, it was pretty fun. You and Diaz. It was pretty fun.

That club is magic. That's a great club. Yeah, they redid it a little bit. Yeah, in what way? On the sides, it's moved out into the audience, so they lose some of the side seats. Oh, yeah? Basically, it looks the same. The green room is downstairs now where the old manager's office was.

What's the old green room? The old green room, they cut it in half, and that's now a manager's office. So there's extra seats up there and a full bar up there. Oh, really? Yeah, a full working bar. So you can get up from your seat and go to the bar? Yeah, or the waitresses go up there. I yeah full working bar so you can like get up from your seat yeah the bar yeah or the waitress go up there i don't know if it's in play or not hmm interesting we didn't open the top yeah that's cool that they did that man joel's a bad

motherfucker the guy owns the improv the guy owns uh west palm the guy yeah all those guys yeah they do a fucking fantastic job so It's so cool having clubs like that. It was cool. Because it used to be a great club run by a maniac. He got fired. The old manager, I mean, the old owner got fired. And we're like, what do you mean? How does the owner get fired?

That doesn't sound right. Like, I wasn't no owner. You can't be around here anymore, you crazy fuck. Yeah, he was crazy. He'd accuse people of like you stole yeah you stole champagne he's like dude we saw you walk out with champagne last night i don't remember that well we all do can't say that on the podcast because i don't know if it's true and he will sue the fuck out of you he's looking for anything yeah don't say his name whatever he's like candy man and when a dude gets fired from a situation like that, they're probably not the healthiest mentally.

The only reason I knew his name was because he was a problem. Well, he was just a wacky dude. Any other manager, owner, it's like you don't even know who they are. They just do their job. The only reason I knew who he was and anybody still talks about him is because he was a problem. Without saying his name again. One time we showed up at the improv and we showed up as the show started. I like to get there.

I mean, I don't need to warm up. It's no big deal. There's a video that plays. If the show starts at 8, and we're there at 7.55, who gives a shit? We're not going to miss the show. Don't worry about it. Plus, Diaz always liked to stay at the condo, which is right across the street, instead of the nice hotel. Yeah, so he was always there.

He was there already anyway. So, Ari and I got there and Homeboy starts freaking out and says that Ari can't go on stage because he wasn't there early enough. He's like, we had to delay. They got on the phone. As soon as I went in, they're like, Ari, the phone call for you. I'm like, oh, interesting.

I'm like, oh, hey, man, what's happening? Yeah, you can't. We had to delay the show for 20 minutes for you went in, they're like, all right, the phone call for you. I'm like, oh, interesting. I'm like, oh, hey man, what's happening? Yeah, you can't, what the, we had to delay the show for 20 minutes for you. Like, what are you talking about? It's 8.03 right now and the show is going on.

Yeah, are you fucking crazy? What are you talking about? It was so crazy. These people had to wait outside in the rain. Dude, I was just in the rain

smoking weed with Rokin. We knew it was fine. There's no rain out there. What are you talking about? He goes, well, you're not going on. Oh, I'm going on on if there's one thing you're not going to tell me it's i'm not going on stage that night no fucking way well he's also you know when when you're in that sort of situation like it's not like he's your employer he's like it's like a private contractor you tell me that early in boston when i was like i shouldn't get high i'm gonna go on stage and you're like you ain't working this 420 seat room on your own fucking

four-year comic so you're working for me and i don't mind so go for it i was like all right well i just my attitude was um whether it's you or anybody or duncan or you know any of the guys i took on the road with me it's like i already know you're funny yeah like it doesn't matter if you go up and eat shit. I know you're funny. we don't have to impress you. Yeah, you don't have to impress me.

You can't get fired. Right. Like, all you have to do is just keep being you and we're golden. So if you go up too high, it'll be hilarious for all of us. I was too high.

Definitely. I was too high. Couldn't remember it. Laughed my bits. As long as you're willing to explain that to the audience, it becomes a unique experience for them as well. I didn't know that then. I told them I couldn't think of a bit, and I was like,

and I go, hey, Joe Rogan's coming up soon. And they all went crazy, and I'm like, why would I have said that? That's being too high. Yeah. You're not sure what to do. Yeah. But it makes it fun for me. Washing in the back.

It's fun for us you see somebody out of it well it's also you pulled it out i mean it's still a great show it's just really obvious that you're high i'll tell you what though that second set that night i was in a real good buzz yeah and that was a fun set because i can remember my bits and also be free enough to riff around yeah i think that's the way to do it i think it's like you get real high and then you wait a long time and then you go on stage. Yeah. Wait till it's over the hump

and you're coming down. Yeah. When you can handle it, like an hour and a half in when it's all smooth sailing. You know what Matt Edgar was doing for a while? What? First hit of the day.

They'd be like, when the guy got the light before him, that means he has three minutes, he'd go to the back and he'd be like, all right, let's start smoking. And he'd just smoke a shitload until like, all right, that's my time, buddy. And he'd run out and go right on. It would hit him when he was on.

Wow. That's crazy. Yeah. That's a bold move. Yeah. I think it's also probably the most creative time. Like when you just wake up, if you wake and bake, people think that wake and baking is like really like counterproductive and you're going to waste your day. You're not going to get anything done.

I've never really done it. I have done it. Like in bed, reach over and get a pipe? No, no, no. I've done it like one of the first things in the morning. And I've done it on days where I have to do a lot of heavy writing. Oh, really? And it seems like everything is really firing early in the morning

when you've had a couple of hits. Wow. It seems like creativity is enhanced by the rest. Like creativity is... Morning in general, too. Well, a lot of times, man. And people don't think about it that way because you think of morning as like when you have to go to work. Ew!

What happened? What's the matter? Whose human nail is this? Ew, what are you talking about? This is a human nail that I was just playing with. Come on. Ew, right there. How could that be possible? There's a human nail that I was just playing with. What? Come on. Ew, right there. How could that be possible?

I don't know. Someone else was in this. See. Let me see that. Ew, it's on the box. That's a human nail. Ah! I was playing with it.

Taste it. I don't like it. Taste it. Where'd it go? It's on that box. It's right on the box. No, it's not. Oh, it fell off.

No, it's missing. How, it fell off. No, it's missing. How can it be a fucking human nail? It's probably... Wait, who was here last? Oh, it's probably Duncan's. Duncan trimmed his nails? Could you imagine if you were doing a podcast with someone and you watched them trim their nails?

As you're doing it? As you're doing it. You'd be like, what the fuck are you doing with those gross things? It would be over somewhere in this area. Look at you scanning the rest of the table. No, I'm trying to find that one. I'm hoping there's not a whole lot of four other ones.

This is a guy who smokes joints with random strangers. And who knows what kinds of fucking weird fecal herpes you're passing around with. I put a toenail in my friend's bong once and he hit it and it smoked. Ew! That's not a friend. You're not a friend. You're an enemy posing as a friend. I don't know.

You're a terrible person. It burnt and smelled like hair. So what was the experience like going to this club and doing it with just you and Diaz? It was pretty cool, but Diaz has a very strict no-comps policy. So it was all just our fans, which was nice. But we didn't get tons of those ASU chicks showing up. It wasn't as much of a party. So he has a no-comps policy because you guys get a door deal?

Is that what it is? Yeah, and also he feels like, and I agree a little bit, it just cheapens the ticket. Saying you can get a Joy DS ticket for free makes it seem like you can get that. And he goes, I don't want to see that. That's a good point. I tell the clubs in New York and LA, I'm like, listen, I'll retweet stuff when I'm on, but I won't. If it's saying half price tickets for free tickets,

I'm like, I can't retweet those. Yeah. I don't want to keep saying this free shit of mine. Well, it's also the audience, their attitude about the show. Oh, yeah. That's one thing that Joey's pretty adamant about. Shows were great. People are getting free tickets.

They're not going to treat it with respect. That was the downfall of Miamiami the miami improv tickets was that what it was that was a huge part of it drunk cubans were always there that miami improv was the worst major club in the country it doesn't exist anymore it's gone are you sure yeah really it's gone i heard it's gone the local comics it's like a local comics. There's a scene down there in Miami now, in South Florida. I got hard turning that gig down. I got hard.

Nope. That's when I stopped doing way long ago, more than 10 years ago. I was just like, I'm done. I was saying it on stage. This is the last time I'm coming here. There's no doubt this is the dumbest club in the country. Set up wrong.

Everything is wrong. It's in a shitty part of town. Well, the part of town was great. The problem is they started giving away free tickets. Remember there was all those cool restaurants and outdoor cafes? Oh, yeah, right there. That comedy club was fantastic. Yeah, they had the place where you get those mixed drinks, the iced mixed drinks up front.

Yeah. Yeah, that wasn't bad. No. Then you go try to meet girls right across the way when they all poured out and went to that bar, and then you were like a superstar. Yeah, and remember there was that cigar bar, too? They had a cigar place. You could sit down in a little cigar lounge, and it was right across. It's not a bad little mall area.

The problem is that club had been cultivated in the worst possible way. The guy was there before Joel. There was all sorts of problems. The old manager trying to quiet down a table. I'm like, dude, there's fucking 30 tables screaming at each other. Why them? Why are you picking them out? Well, they would try to stop a flood when it was already

broken through the dam. Yeah, it's broken through. You're putting their finger in. Dude. Hold back the dam with their hands. I never even knew. I brought up a boxer's name in a bit. I forget what boxer. But they started arguing over, you know, no, fuck him.

You know, Oscar de la Hoya. No, fuck Julio C. Chavez. And they were fighting in the audience, like, who's the best boxer ever? I'm like, oh, my like oh my god to be rude you guys but can you please be quiet like tables were yelling over at other tables they were like monkeys really they were like they were crazy they were the wildest audience i've ever seen i'd never seen an audience and i think you know you talk to them after the show like how many

because i was kind of curious about how this is possible that one club could be so bad yeah so badly behaved and it was a lot of repeat customers, a lot of people. So they just knew that's how you're supposed to be. That's how it was there. And that's just what they did. That's just how it was there. And that's what they did. And so that's why they had to tank the place.

It's like they had cultivated. And you can't just let go of the database. Because if you let go of the database, you have all the email addresses and everything. Those are all your customers. But you don't know which are infected. Exactly. You don't know which are infected with the database. You have all the email addresses and everything. Those are all your customers. But you don't know which are infected. Exactly. You don't know which are infected with the app. Yeah.

It's so true. No way, no way. These could be good samples. That place was rough. I saw Diaz put people underwater there. Wouldn't that be one of the Southern Florida ones were the ones that they hired to be like headliner killers? They hired Diaz to come down?

Like, this guy's got an attitude. We need you to come down here. Dude, I don't want to name names, but Diaz did it to some people where they like quit comedy for a while. Name names. It's always more fun. I can't. I can't because he's a nice guy. But he had to go on after Diaz.

And I was like, good God, that can't work. That's not going to work. Re-evaluate his life. I knew it wasn't going to work. God, that can't work. That's not going to work. Re-evaluate his life. I knew it wasn't going to work. Ingram had somebody that he was working with in Vegas,

and he was kind of blowing him off the stage. And the guy said, like, hey, you're doing really well. I'm having trouble following you. And the guy's like, OK. He goes, oh, I'm just telling you right now, there's no way we're going to switch. I'll just keep struggling following you. Because I'm not going to switch in a while.

Switch? Yeah. Why? Didn't Ingram want to switch it? No, he didn't even say anything. Oh. He was just like, OK, I respect that. Yeah, so the guy's— The i wasn't mad at him or try to fire him he was just like yeah i can't follow you wow that's so be it well ingram's got a different style because he works the crowd all

the time yeah he gets them worked he gets them riled up yeah working the crowd the way he does is a very different kind of performance. It's very fun. It's very funny. You just have to know a couple secrets to that shit. Certain people, you've got to do a couple minutes of crowd work to start. Two minutes, then you can do your act. That's it. Once you know that, then you're fine.

Certain people, there's certain ways to follow them. Yeah. There's that, but there's other people that can set the pace and slow everything down and bring them into their world. I've seen guys do that too. Where a guy gets really riled and they just don't get rattled. They just start from a neutral position and then work it back in. And then, you know, 20 minutes in or whatever, they're killing.

They're doing it their way. I've seen people pull the mic away from their face more so it's quieter. So people can't hear unless they quiet down themselves. That's a good move too. I guess. But you got to have material to back that up you know it's like when you're going on after a guy who does crowd work or you're going after a guy who does music anything that's like different than just normal stand-up it sort of sets oh right sets the tempo it's like going to see like captain america going

to see captain america and then you leave and it's an independent black and white film about a couple dealing with the fact that, you know. Child died. Whatever. You know,

you know what I'm saying? I mean, like how could you, you could be in a really intense movie, intense emotional movie, but if it followed Captain America,

it'd be like, what the fuck is this? What is this? Like it'd be very hard to get your mindset. Did you see Captain America? How shitty was it? It wasn't shitty because I liked those movies. He's such a goody two-shoes.

I don't understand this from the first one. The guy, the first bad guy who steals the serum, he's got some kid with a gun to his head and Captain America's like, alright, alright, alright. Take it easy. Don't do anything rash. And the guy's like, cool. And then he just throws the kid and then runs. But he just threw the He just throws the kid And then runs

But he just threw the kid in the water Then Captain America Would have to save him Or kill that kid Take him with you Those are both excellent points No other army said like Well let's just get a kid

Here's the best point All Captain America's Battles against evil Are silly Because he's friends with the Hulk And he's evil with the Hulk. And he's evil. The Hulk is the fucking ultimate

bad motherfucker. No. Why wouldn't you just call the Hulk up? They're in the Avengers. Oh, right. But they're in the Avengers together, okay?

So if they're in the Avengers then he knows that the Hulk exists. So he's having these fucking knock-down, drag-out fights with this guy and they're going

back and forth and back and forth and fucking shooting and calling the Hulk and he's like, everything's done. Can't be killed. He's jumping into the sky. Yeah, somebody call the Hulk. Call the Hulk. He's like, everything's done. That's the problem with the Avengers. He's jumping into the sky

and pulling shit out of the sky. That is a problem with the Avengers. Number one problem. Yeah. You can't fuck with the Hulk. He's unbeatable, so now you have this. So the only thing you're waiting for

is for him to show that he's unbeatable. Exactly. It's waiting for the Hulk to just get mad and start fucking everything up. Like, he doesn't even, he doesn't have to get mad. He doesn't even put on an outfit.

Everybody else is wearing their outfit. He's walking around with a fucking suit and tie. He's like, look, when the shit goes down, I'm ready. All you pussies,

I got your back. I'm not even going to wear like a Hulk suit and pretend I'm going to turn into the Hulk. Like, he's in the fucking Avengers. He knows that he's out there and he's going to have to

turn into the Hulk and he still doesn't even put on a suit. Yeah, that's like if you have a friend who's a contractor and you're building a fucking extension in your house. Yeah. How would you not call him? And what kind of yoga pants is that motherfucker wearing?

They work on him when he is 5'10", 170 pounds, and they also work on him when he is 7'5", 250,000 pounds or whatever the hell the Hulk weighs. How is it possible that the same pants work on both dudes? I would say that in the early years, that was more problematic, but once he'd become part of the Avengers, that they would have had the technology to work on. Why wouldn't they fucking get him

an outfit that he could change into and be comfortable? He's wearing this tiny man's pants. They don't make any sense. Let's see the Hulk transformation. Let's wearing this tiny man's pants. They don't make any sense. Let's see the Hulk transformation. Let's pull up the Hulk transformation. Let's break down how ridiculous this is. Because if you look at the difference

in size, you're dealing with a person that's like... I would love to see a scale of models next to each other to see how those pants could take it. How many times bigger is he? Is it 10? Is he like 10 times bigger? No. You could fit in this room, right? No. He couldn't even fit in this room?

No. Like, is he bigger than a house? Yeah, he's way bigger than this room. He'd be through the roof. I thought he was the size of like a tank. Do you ever see, no, do you ever see when he grabs the, the, the, uh. Loki? Loki?

Yeah. Dude, Loki's like a six foot dude. Like a six foot tall, six foot two dude. Oh, this is the wrong one, man. This is all of them. Oh, this is all of them? dude oh this is the wrong one man this is all of them oh this is all of them oh this is the original one see the original one on television what's lou ferrigno so you're saying that guy would have been like the size of more than a house right like a small house up to his knee the lou ferrigno was a giant guy right but he was a human

like when you're seeing lou ferrigno here do all this stuff, it's kind of hilarious. It's awesome. You know, he's obviously huge He's a giant guy. Oh, you threw that bag of fucking coconuts at that dude. But there's a giant difference. Okay, wait So now he's okay, but he's the same size tank He should burst through it. Oh, he is Yeah, there'd be no room for the displacement of water, right? Would change radically Oh, right But look at the size of him Look how much bigger that is

And his fucking pants still fit Oh, yeah Now, here's the Edward Norton one Edward Norton did it? Yeah, you didn't know Edward Norton was the Hulk? No He was one of the better Hulks I liked him

But apparently he didn't like it He didn't want to do it He's an actor He's an actor But he's a really good actor. I think he was worried about getting lumped into this thing and becoming the Hulk, you know? But he was a good Hulk. Still CGI afterwards.

Good acting there, fucking Aerosmith's daughter. Aerosmith's daughter's a good actress. Not there, she wasn't. What are you going to do? There's no one even there. She should have said something already. She's doing that. This is the best, though. Mark Ruff going to do? There's no one even there. She should have said something already. She's doing that. This is the best, though.

Mark Ruffalo? Yeah, he's cool. I'm always angry. I mean, come on, man. This is a giant spaceship. No, but he's the size of like two cars. No, no. You got to see him.

You got to see better images of him. He's bigger than two cars. He's gigantic. Wasn't there one of them where he got bigger if he got angrier? He would get double angry. Yeah, he would get bigger. If he'd get more angry, he'd get even bigger. Was there any metaphor with green with envy with him or not?

It just happened to be green. I think it was a gamma ray thing because the whole idea was that he was created in an accident with gamma rays. Did you know that his name was Bruce Banner in the comic books, but they didn't want to have it on TV because of the gay connotations? So what did they change to TV? To David. David Banner. Wow. His name is Bruce Banner.

You're right. Yeah, I am right. This is a fact. What was he in the Avengers? I don't know. He better be Bruce fucking Banner, those assholes. Because they weren't redoing the TV show. His name's goddamn Bruce.

There's nothing wrong with Bruce Lee. When did Bruce become the gay name? How could it be when Bruce Lee is one of the baddest motherfuckers the world has ever known? How could Bruce be in some way thought of as a non-favorable name? Bruce Springsteen? Because of how you were saying it. Like, Bruce. Yeah, it's the easiest. Because of how you were saying it. Like, Bruce. Yeah, it's the easiest,

the quickest name to fucking do the gay accent. That became the gay name. Yeah. That's so weird. Why did that happen? I don't know. It's very strange. And why did one ear become the gay ear?

Was that their sign? That's a good question. Was that a real thing? Was that a real thing? I had it in my left ear because I didn't want to be thought of as a gay person. Bruce Lee's going to be on the news.

He's going to be a character in the UFC? Yeah. Oh, that would be cool. You're going to be able to unlock him. That's awesome. Who sold that right? I don't know. Probably his daughter.

Yeah. But, yeah, man. I had a proof. Sarah Banner was his real name. Sarah Lee? Who's his daughter? Stupid ass. Sharon Lee, I believe. I had a group on it. Sarah Banner was his real name. Sarah Lee? Who's his daughter? Stupid ass. Sharon Lee, I believe.

I believe her name is Sharon. Sarah Lee. I had a group of people at a table in Buffalo Light, the table on fire. They had those candle things, and I saw them panic. Accidentally? Yeah, accidentally. They just put a napkin over it and sort of caught it, and I saw them all look at it, and then they threw some napkins.

But they were all just panicking. They didn't know what to do. And I just watched the napkins all catch. Oh, my God. Why didn't they throw a drink on it? Because they panicked. I could see them all just like their hands were up. You know what that is, man?

What? There's four girls. People working every day and not having to deal with real life. I say not dealing with real life, but these were pretty 21-year-olds. That's the problem. They should be out there camping every day and not having to deal with real life. I say not dealing with real life, but these are pretty 21-year-olds. That's the problem. They should be out there camping every day, fishing for their food, fucking pulling roots out. Then they would see a crisis and act.

And they'd be like, oh, cool. They'd actually be alive instead of this fucking weird shadow existence we live in, graduating college, getting jobs. Did you see that fight that was in Houston at the Chicken Place? No, but throw that up. I love those fights. Oh my god. Oh god, Worldstar.

Worldstar was made. It creates more of these fights. Of course it does. People yell out Worldstar while the fights are going on. Why is Worldstar, do you always get buffering on Worldstar? Like all the videos are always constantly buffering? The fucking amount of web traffic they must get has got to be insane, man. Where'd they steal the computers from?

Shut up, Brian. It's probably all white people. It's probably Ari's relatives from running WorldStar. I can't save money. This is a restaurant. The manager's trying to kick this woman out. We can't see it. Oh, can't see anything.

Hold on. This is Houston. First of all, I was shocked the way that she's black. Look at this. Okay, look at this. The guy. It's a guy doing it or a girl? Oh, a guy trying to pull.

It's a guy grabbing a girl. Yeah, it's a fat guy. Wow. He tried to pull her away. You can't do that. Look at this. Oh, now it's a full brawl. They're all going at it.

Oh, it ends with weave pulling. Oh, now it's a full brawl. They're all going at it. Oh, it ends with Weave pulling. Oh, my God. Wow, they're all so fat. Look at it. He's got that girl in side control on the ground. Yeah. It's like judo side control. And the baby.

One of the babies. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. She's fighting while holding a baby. Oh, my God. She is fighting while holding her baby. We're my gosh. She is fighting while holding her baby. They're trying to pull the baby lady away. She wasn't even backing up.

She was going into it. This is insane, man. You can't do this. She's like, get your baby out of here. And she's like, don't touch me. Now, look, he's got her by the weave. The chick's got her by the weave. No, that's a guy, too.

That's a guy, dude. That employee's a guy. No, right there. Oh, girl now That's a guy, dude. That employee's a guy. No, right there. Oh, girl. Got her by the weave. So they were all holding... I don't think that's a weave. That's her hair.

That's her hair. That's why it's so effective. Nobody gets nappy weaves. So what was this about? They didn't even get their order. Well, I heard two stories. One, that woman wanted a refund, and then this what the

restaurant is saying is that the woman tried to take a beer out off the property and you're not allowed to take a beer outside you could only drink the beer inside the place right because it's illegal so the manager just went crazy they fired the manager but this restaurant i guess they're uh uh supposedly like people are picketing this restaurant and Dude, we went to that El Tapatia in Houston, and they always had that armed security guard. That's when you know you're getting some like. Yeah, that's real Mexican food. Authentica.

Well, it's just Houston at 3 o'clock in the morning gets kind of crazy. Yeah, that was a great restaurant though. It was. They still have the best jalapeno poppers I've ever had in my life. They were legit jalapeno poppers. The whole Mexican food experience there was legit. They had mariachi bands that were playing. Really?

Yeah. I had to barf. I got drunk. I had to go to the bathroom real quick and barf. Do you remember that, Brian? Yep. You're like, where did you just go? Brian knew.

I was like, what? No big deal. I did it fast, though. I thought I had it clear. They had good mariachi bands. You would actually enjoy them. Really? They were good. They were talented. So thought I had it clear. They had good mariachi bands. Like, you would, like, actually enjoy them. Really? They were good.

They were talented. So you'd be there eating, and these guys would, and, you know, sometimes girls. Sometimes they'd have a check play, too. Wow. Yeah, they were really good, man. The food there was fucking badass, too. And after you have, like, sometimes, you know, two shows Friday, two shows Saturday, you're like, ah, let's go fucking eat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Slam down some Mexican food at 2 o'clock in the morning after shows. Massive peppers. Yeah. Full of not even the cream cheese garbage that I hate. It's full of like cheese cheese, cheddar cheese or something. And it had meat inside that. What, Brian?

Joe, remember when we were at San Jose and we were at this restaurant? Yeah. I think you were with us also, Ari. And Joe had this plate of food and it had a side of, I think it was a crawfish or something like that. And you just bit the head off of it. I forget what you did. You did the wrong end or something like that. And you were just like, oh, no, that's not good. I don't remember this at all.

I don't know what you're talking about. I sort of half remember that I think it was San Jose At McCormick's or something And you're like That's not the end I'm supposed to eat But you do eat the heads

But they were like a garnish They were little baby ones Or something And they weren't prepared The same way Yeah You just got like A mouthful of brain

And like head Yeah but that's delicious Have you ever had that Like shrimp heads When it's done This wasn't that I remember that now I remember that now

I don't remember at all. You're like, I think you're supposed to eat it. Nope, nope, nope. You're not. In other countries, it's probably a delicacy. It's kind of weird when you find out what people eat in other countries. My friend Ed Doty was telling me that a store opened up down the street from him and that they serve camel.

Yeah. Really? Yeah. Really? They sell it. It's a meat store. In what country? America?

In fucking Silver Lake. Oh, I'd eat that. Yeah. And they serve camel, or they sell. They don't serve it because they don't cook. But it's a butcher shop, and they sell camel meat. You're like, I can't do this. I can't be bothered.

I can't prepare it. I can't prepare the camel meat. Well, if they sell it, there must be restaurants in LA that serve it. There must be. There must be. There must be. It's pretty common in the Arab world to eat camels. I'll eat a camel. I don't care.

Yeah, Anthony Bourdain had an episode of his show where he was in Egypt, and they slaughtered a camel. Like, see if you can pull that up. Anthony Bourdain in Egypt with a camel. Brian, you wouldn't eat that? You'd say, ooh? Fuck that. Why?

What's wrong with it? It's the same shit as camel. Have you ever ate goat head? That's delicacy. Like, a lot of people eat goat head. Oh, it wouldn't eat that? You'd say, ooh? Fuck that. Why? What's wrong with it? It's the same shit as cow. Have you ever ate goat head? That's delicacy. A lot of people eat goat head. Oh, it's a real head. You take the eyes, eat the brain, the stomach. I've never had goat head, but I ate a deer head when we were in Wisconsin and Montana.

We cooked deer head. You cooked a deer head? Yeah, especially mule deer. They have... Mule? You killed a mule? No, it's called a mule deer. It's just the name of it. It's a deer. But when you, like a mahi-mahi is also referred to as a dolphin fish. A lot of people think it's a dolphin.

Like you're killing dolphins? No, they call them dolphins. It's actually a mahi-mahi. I'm not against killing a mule, but it just seemed like if you're going hunting, that wouldn't be a hard one. No, it wouldn't be the hardest one to kill, right? Yeah. I passed by Tejon Ranch on the way to San Jose. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Man, it's so big. It's 2,700,000 acres. I mean, you're like, oh, there's that ranch. And then, like, 20 minutes later, you're like, what? We're still passing that ranch. Yeah. It's the biggest ranch in all of California. Wow. It's giant. And we're going there. We're going to shoot some pigs. Yeah. Dude, we're going to schedule that soon. It's the biggest ranch in all of California. Wow. It's giant. And we're going there. We're going to shoot some pigs. Yeah.

Dude, we're going to schedule that soon. It's fucking fun. I'm leaving. I'm going back to New York soon. Son, why would you do that just because it's warm there? End of April. He's a smart fella. You're doing what a lot of old people do in Florida.

I guess so. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to Cali. He's escaping. It's such a great move. Isn't it nice to have the financial freedom to just travel around and do whatever you want? Yeah, bro.

It's so fucking nice. Yeah. It is. You still got the Bulletproof Civic. Still got the Bulletproof Civic. I got to sell that soon. That thing will never die. Have you ever even had a problem with that car?

No. Those things are goddamn masterpieces. I've never had a problem with it. Yeah. They're masterpieces. I mean, it's still got manual windows and stuff. So what? Manual transmission too, right? Yeah. Manual transmission. I. They're masterpieces. I mean, it's still got like manual windows and stuff. So what? Manual transmission too, right?

Yeah, manual transmission. I don't care about that. But it's got a CD player. Dude, for a lot of people, manual transmission is a deal breaker. Really? Stuck in traffic, having to use the clutch. Never mind that. It's only hard when you're trying to like repack a bowl or something.

Text. When I drive, if I drive like, and I know I'm going to be on the 405, I never take the Porsche just because the manual transmission. It's going to stop. Yeah. Yeah.

And my manual transmission is a tricky one to drive because it has what's called a single mass flywheel, which means the revs, it's like a race car. The revs go, and they drop really quick too.

So they rise up and then they fall really quick too too, because of the flywheel. Oh. So that makes it harder to. No, it's for speed. Oh. The ability to shift gears. Oh.

Get that burst. Yeah. And just it's a lighter flywheel because it's all about saving weight in cars like that. But when you're at a red light, it's a real problem because it wants to drop off real quick, so you have to be much more careful with it than a regular car. Yeah, you'll stall out. Oh.

Yeah, hills are bad, too, because you've got to fall back into people. Yeah, like that La Cienega Hill where it hits sunset. Yeah. I've cooked many a clutch on that hill. Oh, God. I'm always like, move back, back. Stop it.

Well, you work the e-brake, too, right? Yeah, I work the e-brake. That's a real big fuck-up that Porsche did. They don't have. Well, you worked the e-brake too, right? Yeah, I worked the e-brake. That's a real big fuck-up that Porsche did. They don't have one? They have a button e-brake now. I'm like, you dummies. That's a huge mistake. Manipulating the e-brake with your hand was everything.

Plus on hills when you're parking, you're supposed to put that on? Now they just have a button. It's an electronic e-brake. Right, right, right. But the modular, being able to modulate it, being able to pull a little bit and then let go as you go. As you start in, yeah. It's great. I love doing that.

Before that, I had an old Toyota, and it was automatic. And I would go up the hill on Sweetser, and when I'm at the light, I let go of the brake and put in the accelerator, and it was just standstill. We just couldn't go. Wow. It didn't have the power. I'd have to jettison shit or just turn around. My car has two flywheels or something like that. So if it's on a hill, it just automatically kicks in the other flywheel.

So then when you let go of the brake, it doesn't move. And then you just hit the gas and it just goes straight up. That's interesting. That doesn't make sense, though, because it's an automatic. You have an automatic. So whatever it is you're talking about, it's probably a different mechanism. It's probably something to do with the transmission. It's probably a dual-clutch transmission. Dual-clutch, that's what it is.'re talking about, it's probably a different mechanism. It's probably something to do with the transmission. It's probably a dual-clutch transmission.

Dual-clutch, that's what it is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of the modern automatic cars are dual-clutch now, which what that means is also that they can shift gears in insane amounts of time. Real, real fast? Yeah. Like in the Porsches, like the GT3, I think it does it in less than 100 milliseconds.

What? It's like... Oh, wow. Just instant changing of gears. That's way faster than I could do it manually. Yeah. Oh, way faster. They think that every shift of gear in a race is worth three-quarters of a car shift between a manual gearbox and these double clutch boxes, meaning that if they're both going along the same speed and the same pace, but one had to shift gears, the one that didn't have to take any time

to shift the gears would get a three-quarter car length advantage. Wow. Yeah. Over a whole race? Yeah. No, over a shift. Oh, oh, oh. Per shift.

Wow. Yeah. That's a lot. Yeah. You don't have to. There's no the. Drop off. There's none of that. It's instantaneous. It's fun driving a stick shift. It to. There's no the. Drop off. There's none of that.

It's instantaneous. It's fun driving a stick shift. It is. That's the problem. The problem is like, what are you doing? Are you trying to race everywhere? Yeah. On those hills up in the mountains though, when you're like going uphill for like five

miles. Yeah. You just lower the fucking, you know, gear you're in. Yeah. Get some pickup. Yeah. I don't mind it at all. Especially the Porsche.

That thing is a ride. Yeah. You can't do that in an automatic car. No. It doesn't feel as good. Like I have an automatic. up yeah i i don't mind it at all especially the the porsche that thing is a ride yeah no it doesn't feel as good like i have an automatic my bmw is an automatic it's but it's a double clutch automatic like you can do it with the paddle shifts yeah if you want but most of the time i don't i just drive it the problem is it's that's an old style thing that's somehow sometimes more fun but my aunt got this car that she got automatic something like lex or something but it had instead of a clock to being digital it was analog yeah i was like what are you doing it's just gonna take you extra time that's a fancy car yeah but you're gonna put your eyes

off the road for longer i was just trying to decipher that it's true like that's just a bad idea it's terrible idea digital idea digital clocks never became classy though never became classy no you know i mean think about all these like really super expensive watches that everybody idea. Digital clocks never became classy, though. Never became classy, no. You know what I mean? Think about all these really super expensive watches that everybody wears. Remember digital analog for a while? Digital analog? Where it was just like pictures of the hands moving? Oh, those are crappy watches.

You remember that, Brian? Yeah, they still have those. A lot of those new Samsung watches and the iWatch type shit, they have the fake front where you can just download new faces to your watch. Oh, really? So it would look really so it looked like whatever that's actually kind of cool though because it's almost like a little computer right in there I'm tempted to get that Samsung one which one there's a new one the new one monitors your heart rate watch yeah they also have a small one where it's like just like a kind of

looks like the fit band like a thinner one yeah and And that also does the heart rate and stuff like that. It doesn't have a camera on it. FitBand, what you call yourself after you work out? FitBand. You know, they have a new Galaxy S5 that's out now that has a heart rate monitor on it. On the phone? On the phone. What?

What do you do? You just put it on your wrist? No, you touch it. You hold on to it and it monitors your heart rate. Interesting. Oh, I could never use that, actually. You could use it at the gym. Oh, right.

In between workouts. Say if you do some fucking crazy kettlebell workout and then you grab this thing when your heart drops to a certain rate and then you go again. Oh, wow. Yeah, and it works with Fit Software. They have software that's built in. I'm a big believer in Samsung's, man.

They have anything to test how drunk you are? Yeah. I have that Galaxy Note 3. I'm a huge fan of these things. Of the Galaxy, really? Well, first of all, I'm a huge fan of that. Look how big that is. I mean, that's fucking awesome, man.

June 14th. What's June 14th? I think it's June 14th. What's that? When they released the big iPhones. The big iPhones? Yeah. Two different sizes.

Allegedly. They're so far behind the fucking curve, those freaks. Yeah. Since fucking, what's his name, went down. Since Jobs. Since Jobs ended, they're fucked up. Left and right, mistakes. Look how big that goddamn picture of you is.

Wow. Look at that picture. That's why you foreshadowed my head. You look awesome. I think. But look, I mean, that's a huge it's very perfect crystal clear image Yeah, it's just so good I'm just I just can't believe that it took them long enough to realize that that fits easily in your back pocket and the experience

of going online the experience of looking at pictures experience of taking pictures the experience of Reading tweets and then going to websites like someone sends you a website It's infinitely better like you could actually go you a website, it's infinitely better. Like you could actually go to a website and get a good web experience from one of these kind of things. Yeah. Or it doesn't even have to be that big. Like the Galaxy is 5.1 inches.

This is like 5.9 or something like that. The Galaxy is 5.1. And that's the new one. I think they're all pretty similar. 4. something? The new iPhone? No, the old one. How much they're all pretty similar. 4. something? The new iPhone? No, the old one. How much?

No, how big? Oh, it's tiny. It's four inches. I used to do fucking stuff on the old Envy. Try to surf websites. Remember that? That's difficult. Before they even had it.

It was the one that popped up and you had a full keyboard. Isn't it crazy that that seems like 100 million years ago? Yeah. There were no mobile sites, too, but you could get on their sites. But how much different have some inventions been in that time? Like, cars are pretty much recognizable. Exactly the same. From back then.

Almost exactly the same. Yeah, not that much different. Anti-lock brakes were there before. Like, they look a little slicker on the outside, like the new Mercedeses look a little more spaceship-y. Yeah. But other than that, you recognize it. If you could go back in time 10 years and get into a car, you'd be fine. I didn't even have a phone 10 years ago.

There you did. Cell phone? There you did. No, I was late anyway. Really? Yeah. You were in 2004? You didn't have one?

Get out of here, bitch. You had one. You're crazy. No. When I lived in that place place i didn't have one for a while when did you get one what year 2005 2007 you had one we go on the road together but not always i got it eventually i found one i found a prepaid one in new york one time when i was visiting and so i used that for a while i sat by it for about an hour waiting to say if somebody

comes back i'll claim it otherwise yeah and i used the phone for all week, and I was like, ooh, this is actually nice. It's better than a pager. It's way better than a pager, dude. It was 2004. This was my first phone. Really? AT&T. It was the old Nokia.

Oh, with Snake. It had Snake on there, right? It had Snake on there. Yeah. Snake was good, dude. I had a StarTAC. Remember those? A StarTAC?

What is that? Remember those? Yeah. Was it a Mitsubishi? Motorola. Motorola StarTAC? What is that? Remember those? Yeah. Was it a Mitsubishi? Motorola. Motorola StarTAC. Attell still uses a flip phone. Does he?

Yeah. Of course he does. He has an iPhone 2, but he doesn't use that as much. He enjoys being an old man. Yeah. I had one of these. What? Let's see it.

Pull up the image. Oh. That looks like people who worked. I remember this. Yeah. I had one of those, and it had an extra battery. The battery stuck out on the top. See, look how easy the batteries were to get off.

Oh, yeah. You were pissed about that when iPhones came out. You're like, come on, man. Give me the option. Yeah, it's stupid. Well, that's the other thing I like about this phone, the Samsung. I have an extra battery that I keep with me that's fully charged. And this fucking thing will go for a day and a half.

And at any point in time, I'll pop the back off, put the new battery, boom. It's fully charged. Really? fucking thing will go for like a day and a half. And at any point in time, I'll pop the back off, put the new battery, boom, it's fully charged. Really? What is that, the Note? This is the Note 3. The Note 3. Yeah, and on top of that, man, I sound like I'm in a Note commercial.

They didn't even pay me. And they're having a Note 4? Yeah, well, they're going to work. Note 3 just came out. They're working on one right now. Note 3 just came out. Yeah, this one's fairly recent. But the other thing that's super cool is this.

My ideas, my joke ideas, I actually write them. Like, look at this. Whoa. It's all a notepad. So all of my ideas, I actually write down. Like, I don't need to carry a notebook anymore. Like, my

notebook now, like my actual physical handwriting. Her tattoo is so bad. What's that? Her tattoo is so bad. Yeah. carry a notebook anymore. Like my notebook now, like my actual physical handwriting for any idea. Her tattoo is so bad. What's that? Her tattoo is so bad. Yeah. Frosty asked me that and he goes,

what did you just write down? I'm like, it was a note. And he goes, what was it? And he goes, it's not a joke. It's just

almond shaped nipples. I had to write that down because I might get back to it. Right. You never know, right? Yeah. This, that's so funny

that you said that. I'll tell you why later. I won't remember. I have a thing about almond milk. One of the punchlines is that almonds don't have tits, stupid. You can't get milk out of an almond. Don't call it milk.

Don't call it almond milk. It's not almond milk. It's white water. It's weird fucking soupy water. It doesn't come from a nipple, you fuckhead. That's like a whole bit of it. So when you said that almond shaped nipples, it's hilarious. It's part of the vegan bit.

I'm surprised you don't rock an iPad, like a small iPad. This is a small iPad. I mean, essentially it is. I don't need... Dude, when I go on the road, I oftentimes don't even touch my laptop. I just fuck around with this phone the whole weekend like answering emails and stuff doing with that work stuff that's pretty cool it's the the big one for me man is this the big one for me is the set lists that i can write my

set list down on this instead of a piece of paper i like having in my pocket i do too but i like this too this is also it's like it doesn't replace it totally. I still carry a notebook everywhere. Yeah, that would have been a lot better when I was using those. But the thing I like is as I flip through to find the note that I want, I see the old notes. I'm like, yeah. And then eventually it'll come out on stage. Right. Because I keep seeing it.

When I was writing notes in like Evernote or something, I wouldn't see the old notes unless I made a point to go back to them. Well, my notebook, there's a difference between my notebook and this is, I would say more of like my idea book. Oh, right. Like this is where I'll throw ideas in when I want to write them down and I'll throw like set lists. But like my notebook is more like what I do before I go on stage. One of the big ones is I write down all the different shit that I want to talk about. Make sure that I cut, like that's how I remember. And that's how I, it helps me like make sure that i don't leave anything out to give me

like all these little points and then physically writing down i sort of it sort of cements it in my head so if you go over and look through my notebook you'll see like the same notes like over and over and over again like what is he fucking crazy right because i'm just filling in i'm just filling in the space yeah it helps you remember yes and then occasionally i'll write new things there but i put a big black star next to new things that I write there. So what I use a notebook for and what I use my computer for are totally different. I very rarely write a bit on a notebook because I can type so much faster than I can write.

It seems stupid to me. If I have a great idea for a bit, I'll jot down what the idea is real quick, but then I do all the writing on an actual laptop. Oh, right, right. I'm going to write longhand. I don't think you could fuck with the camera, though, on the iPhone. Yeah, you're right. That's the only thing that keeps me from going 100% no iPhone.

Well, the iPhone camera's better than that. It's better. It's quicker. Apparently, the Galaxy 5, though, is a little better. Galaxy 5. That's the Google one, right? Yeah. Apparently, the camera's pretty dope.

Have you guys ever broken your iPhone? Yes. You have? Yeah, I've dropped it. It just dropped, regular drop, and it just shattered? Yeah, it smashed. I don't even believe in it almost. Me neither. I've dropped it a billion times. My iPhone just does things like what it's doing now, like things stop working. Like my speaker doesn't work.

Yeah, that's what happens. Or it just goes off when you have 25% battery life left. It's just like, nah, we're going off. And then you plug it back in. You still have 25% once you start it up again, which is a new thing that happens. You just can't trust it. Really? Yeah.

Have you updated your firmware? Because mine, after I updated the last firmware, it stopped doing that stupid shit. Oh, really? Yeah. Or you're just sitting there and your phone just suddenly has Apple. That's the CIA, yo. Yeah. You don't even realize it.

The NSA. That's the CIA. Digging in your dick pics. I talked to one of the motherfucker i'm just gonna reboot him i'm tired looking at his giant jew dick you see what they're doing now where they're just like they're like all right we're gonna make the we're not gonna spy on you we're gonna have the the phone company store it for like you know up to a few years i'm like that's you still have access to all our what's still ridiculous it's still ridiculous it's just more they said this ahead of time like look what obama's gonna he's not gonna reel ridiculous. It's just more. They said this ahead of time. Like, look what Obama's going to do. He's not going to reel it in.

He's just going to rename it. And people are, there's good points on both sides. And one thing that people go over all the time, they always say, like, hey, if you're not a criminal, then it's not going to affect you. Don't waste any time thinking about it. That's not true. And this is why it's not true. This is the big one. It's not true because, like like let's say that you were

running for office and let's say you know they could maybe you'd be a great mayor maybe you'd you know maybe you have really good causes but maybe you're fucking secretly gay oh yeah sure you know and maybe they could find that shit out before you can come out and give it to a reporter absolutely or maybe your cards they would definitely do that yeah maybe you um anything like to go to get hand jobs and they find out about your fucking you love porn love it love it you're fucking going to you porn it's your number one through 100 bookmarks oh you got nothing to hide but you're like no i have things to hide private things to hide and it's like TSA stuff. If you've got nothing to hide, what if I have two lighters and I want to still have my two lighters?

Now I can't. Come on, man. All this shit, you don't have to have anything to hide. Just leave me alone. This is not an issue where people should have access to what you look at, what you enjoy, what are your issues. It gets to that Red Scare thing of the 1950s, the McCarthy era. I mean, that's really where it gets to. Well, people are like, well, they have to stop criminals.

They have to stop terrorists. It's like, okay, but we have a set of rules in place already. You have to do it that way. That's why we make cops. Like, well, they have to stop criminals. Yes, but if you want to search somebody's house, you need a warrant. Yeah, I don't know how effective they are. Then still stop criminals.

I don't know how effective they are of stopping still stop criminals. I don't know how effective they are of stopping crime by spying on people's emails. Never, they just keep pointing to that. They have memos that they all sent out to each other

saying, use 9-11 to justify this. Yeah, I've seen that. It's pretty horrible. Yeah. Well, you know what it is. They're still doing it.

We're like, oh, no control. Let them do whatever they want. I'm thinking of becoming a nihilist. I'm thinking of saying, ah, fuck it. Just a nihilist. Like, I don't care. Let them do whatever they want. I'm thinking of becoming a nihilist. I'm thinking of saying, ah, fuck it. Just a nihilist. I don't care.

Fine, do whatever you want. Let me just be me over here. I'm a libertarian now. I think what you should do is just continue being honest about what you think about everything. But at some point, don't you ever feel like this isn't going to do anything? I think it does do something. I just think it takes a long ass time and i think one of the big things that it does is when people and this is gonna sound kind of silly but it is true when people make jokes about things that joke changes a little bit of the public's perception and that's what

your givens are based in, in the joke? Yeah, well, say if a guy like Stan Hope or a guy like you does a bit shitting on the TSA, and you do a bit that makes a lot of sense and it shits on the TSA, if that bit becomes popular, that bit gets out there into the universe. It makes people feel a little bit worse about them. But then what happens?

Well, then what happens is public perception changes. And when public perception changes, it starts to shift who people vote on based on what they support and what they don't support. So if you go over a certain threshold where like all these people want this, then eventually they'll vote for them. But like legalized marijuana, there's no candidate where you can actually get that even though most people want it. It's moving in that direction. It really is. I mean it's obviously moving in that direction in Colorado. So for something like that though, you probably need like 75% or something.

No. Where really the old people are outnumbered. What you really need is money. And that's what they have now. And money changes perceptions. I mean, one of the reasons why CNN things you're seeing on weed,

the Sanjay Gupta pieces on weed, it's not just that it's true. It's not just that it's salacious. Yeah, but why are we seeing it now? It's because there's a public shift. It's not that it's salacious. It's because there's a public shift in perception. And that public shift in perception accepts things that it would have thought of as drugs during

the Nancy Reagan administration. When Nancy Reagan was doing that just say no shit, you could have never had Sanjay Gupta on CNN talking about weed. And do they realize they can get Sanjay Gupta talking about how weed should be good? And they're like, oh, we can actually get viewers if we put that on. We've got a lot of people who want to see that. There's definitely that.

But there's also what's going on in Colorado is the amount of money that's being generated by weed is undeniable now. And they get so much and there's so much going on that it gets to a certain point in time where. People are like, hey, there's no crime spray. Yes. There's money coming in. The money starts influencing all the politicians. The money starts influencing all these different people. So it's just in our corner for once.

It becomes a marijuana lobby, essentially. Yeah. I mean, we're just... But that's the problem. That should even be allowed to work. Okay, yeah. Well, I agree with you. It's nice that it's working in our favor this time.

It's not necessarily working in our favor either. It's just beginning to work in our favor. So you think after enough people hear about something and start to influence their opinion, then the government will then, to appease those people, will change their mind? Well, it changes who the government is. It just takes time. It changes what the culture is, what the culture accepts

and what the culture doesn't accept. It changes and it changes based on a lot of it is public perception. A lot of it can be influenced by art and music, things that get out there that get people when the resonating ideas and then money money is the other big one so when I think about we is it has all of them it has all these things and it has the money and money yeah so when a big business come in and say okay well maybe 50% of people are against something and

a big business says it'll be our best interest to like if you if they're not against it if they're for it So they just come in and say if there's maybe 50% of people against it, 50% of people for it, they want to shift that in the politician's mind, the importance of that. That definitely. And if you support that on CNN and things like,

you know, have a television show that shows the positive side of weed, that will definitely shift things. Or like the unions in New York that try to keep MMA out. Yeah. Where they're like, just get through to the, look at this guy's brain damage.

It's barbaric. This is barbaric. Yeah. And they go show to a politician, they go, huh, that's a stat. I've seen that stat. Yeah. Yeah. There's, there's most certainly that.

What you're seeing with like, like what's going on in Colorado too, is that people are getting old enough to that. The people that are like in their twenties and thirties that are voting, they've grown up with the internet and they know it's bullshit. You're not going to own them the way you own 50-year-old people today. You're not going to. Someone was saying this. That's why Arizona always votes so conservative.

It's because of the old people moving there. And it's not the main. Regular people in Phoenix and Tempe and stuff, they're cool. But it's the old people, and they vote in way higher numbers, and they are afraid of stuff. Do you think that the older you get, the more conservative you get? Yes. because it can't just be because they were like you know when the old people die out i'm like they have already dude it's an old from when i was five they have already died out it's an old quote i forget whose quote it was what was it show me um uh a young man who's a conservative and i'll show you a man with no heart show me an old man who's a liberal and i'll show you a man with no brain oh funny i forget who

made that quote i forget where it's made from it's me but the idea is as you get older you realize a lot of what's going on is people need to just stop being fucking babies they need to get their shit together and they need to you know you need to have stricter laws to cut back on the nonsense recidivism and crime. And you get tougher on crime as you get older. You want your streets to be protected. You're like, God damn it, enough is enough. I'm 65 years old.

Because you don't even go out. So who cares? Kill them all. Kill all these goddamn criminals. You start getting that sort of an attitude. You also start going like, I like things done the way they've been done. And so you just don't want change. So I think a lot of times with gay marriage, things like that,

it's the same kind of pushback that you'll get when the Catholic Church turned the priest around. Yeah. Renesas' father told me that. Everybody went crazy. Turned the priest around. What does that mean? At one point, he was facing the audience, and then the big Catholic thing that they all do,

the big meeting they've had two of, Vatican II, whatever it was, then they say, okay, now you face the Ark, or whatever, the front, with the people, or vice versa. They turn them around, and he goes, remember our parents losing their minds. There's just no way to worship, are you kidding me? And now everyone just takes it for granted, because that's

the way it's been done. There's no way to worship? Yeah, and people go crazy, because they want it done their way. And when you've been used to something for 50 years of your life and suddenly it changed. Wait, two guys are getting married? No, this is not the way I like it. This is against the sanctimony, the sanctity of marriage. It's the same shit that when your favorite restaurant takes an item off the menu.

Like, I like that item. I want it done my way. I don't know if a restaurant taking an item off the menu. It comes from the same place with them. They want it done their way. If they've been going to that restaurant for 45 years, what do you mean you don't have a club sandwich anymore? That was my thing. People definitely resist change.

And I think a lot of that is insecurity. That's a lot of it. I think a lot of it is that they're just scared people are scared because gay marriage is one that does not affect the people not involved in it

Brian pull up the story the DEA cops raid a woman's home after she shops at an indoor garden center this is happening

because they're watching what she's because the DEA thinks she's growing marijuana oh I saw that in the trash they took the trash out

and they didn't test the shit. Yeah. It's like, how do they even know about it? I mean, it's crazy. Nothing to hide. Well, yeah, but meanwhile,

they busted into my house and did a bunch of damage. She came under investigation just because she shopped at a store, you know? Indoor garden center. So they thought maybe she was building a bomb

with that fertilizer or something? No. No, they thought she was growing weed. That's what they thought. But the idea is that this woman didn't get caught for any other crimes.

Did they have a warrant? They went through her garbage, and they stormed her home in an early morning raid after spotting her shopping at an indoor garden center that they had been staking out. Like, come on, man. There's a real problem with our lives when you're going after people.

Yeah, two books on how to grow marijuana. They found some weed stuff in her house. Oh, they worked. But so what? And a zip drive from 1982. Yeah, a zip drive. That's hilarious. But so what?

The point is, first of all, guess what? People will abuse power. Guess what? There's nothing wrong with fucking marijuana, okay? Can we just establish that? Can we stop it and light something up? Second of all, why would the DEA think that it's okay to stake out a fucking garden center and then break into people's houses?

So what did they find when they broke into her house? They found she had like nine grams of marijuana. Oh no, really? Her own stuff? Yeah. They said they found 9.3 grams of marijuana in her art room jesus christ so she smokes weed and does art and what happened they broke her fucking house door down raided it with guns here's my friend told me about it once and he made it pretty clear he goes i get a government not wanting you to do certain things i don't agree with it, but I get it. Don't smoke marijuana. But if you are, if you are smoking pot or doing whatever you're doing in your own home,

for them to tell you you need to surrender your freedom now, the one thing you're granted as a citizen of this country is your freedom. And so you have to give that up now for up to a year or two. We're taking that freedom from you. You can't ever vote again because we caught you with that thing. That's a whole other thing. A whole other thing.

And here's the other part of it they they investigated a month-long investigation that involved federal agents searching through her garbage and comparing her electric bill to those of a couple neighbors they searched through her garbage and checked her electric bill and that be the fact that she was spending money on electricity for whatever fucking reason that she was hired. Wasn't she growing a bunch of other stuff? I'm sure she was. But who cares? Even if she was growing weed. The idea that they...

But it's like they busted her down on a presumption like, oh, look what you're doing. When it's like, no, she just had some in her house. Well, the only reason they arrested her, the only reason why they did it, the only reason why they investigated her was because she was shopping at a garden store. I mean, that is fucking crazy. You can't just do that. How long until the government fucks with you until you say, fucking slap their hand away? Well, this is one. I want to fight back. Another one is recent because this one

is people that actually were DEA agents that were breaking down the door and they were looking for, you know, on civilians. Are you paying attention? Yeah. What the fuck are you doing? Looking around for something? Yeah, I want my weed. Okay.

I'm still listening. We'll have to roll a joint. What did I say? What were we talking about? Civilians busting their door down. You know the thing where you just, you haven't listened, but you pretend. You can still place a couple words. The point is they did it recently to these two former CIA agents

that were growing tomatoes. And the fucking, the feds, the DEA broke down their fucking door and came in, guns drawn. These were former CIA agents. Why? Because they were growing tomatoes. That's what I saw.

And they had wines in their garbage. They said, it's weed. And they didn't test it. They actually had vegetables. Wow. They were doing it totally legit, just trying to grow vegetables in their garbage. They said, it's weed, and they didn't test it. They actually had vegetables. Wow. They were doing it totally legit, just trying to grow vegetables in their basement. And the cops used that as an excuse

to break down your door and point guns at you. If that doesn't show how bananas everything's gotten, they think it's okay to actually point guns at people because they're growing something. Yeah. That's fucking crazy. I mean, that's just fucking crazy. The fact that these cops think that it's okay to do that.

Whoever it is that's giving them the direction, whatever fucking head guy. I don't know if you get a trigger happy cop like they have in Albuquerque. They shoot dogs on them almost immediately. When you go over to a guy's house, they shoot them. Even small dogs. And they do it to scare the fuck out of people. I mean, they also do it to let them know, like, this is real shit. I just shot your dog.

I will shoot you. Wow. did do it to intimidate people and they do it because a lot of them are just fucking sadistic It's crazy shit man, man Crazy shit that is unacceptable in a civilized society It's unacceptable the idea that this is a good thing the idea that you're protecting anybody from anything like that You're you're in any way shape shape, or form making life better. Yeah, those guys saying you have to not record cops, all those like – That's not true. Saying you can't record cops because it doesn't let them do their job.

It's like it just keeps them accountable. Yeah, you're supposed to be able to record cops. But there are some states where you're not allowed, right? I think there are a few states that are fighting it, but that shit's ridiculous. Like you're recording news. Like it's actually happening. And when cops are being recorded, did you see that thing that I tweeted

about LA having cops wear these things that record everything they do? And when they do it, they found a drastic decrease in complaints. A drastic decrease. It's like, yeah, be on the record. Of course.

I forget the actual statistics, but they're pretty fucking shocking. So they want to record all of us, but they don't want us to record the cops at all? Exactly. Exactly. It's hilarious. It's hilarious. Is Congress still exempt from Obamacare? Do they exempt themselves?

I don't know, but somebody had a really fucking good point the other day. What was it? They said, how is it not insane that you're talking about a country that doesn't force people to have proof of their citizenship but does to have proof of your health insurance yeah they're like do you know how crazy that is they're crazy it's so crazy they're saying you don't have to give proof of being a citizen of this country so you can be an illegal alien and just no one everybody will leave you alone but you do have to have proof of the fact that you're paying an insurance company money it's so shitty it's when we saw those people picketing in tempe the last time

i think we all went there and i was like near the mall and i was like what are they picketing for it was the first time i was like there must be a reason why these 100 people are out. And then I realized later it's like, because I just thought it was like, yeah, make sure everyone gets health care. But now it's like, no, no, you're forcing everyone to buy insurance so that the insurance companies can still make a lot of money. Apparently, the way it's been explained to me is not Obamacare as much as it's the Affordable Care Act, which is tacked on to Obamacare. Yeah. There's, you know, whenever you have bills that have good intentions, all sorts of special interests attach their needs to bills.

And things that get passed often have these clauses that have no... Nothing to do with it. Yeah. Not only have nothing to do, but they have like far ranging implications. They did on the Simpsons when they were trying to get out of town like the bill to evacuate the simpsons because the media was going to hit them it's like all in favor is like i'd like to tack on a pro pornography bill with that they all voted against it and they're like ah and that is what they do and ken brockman's like this is why democracy doesn't work yeah yeah so they tack on shit so what the affordable care act is

different than obamacare allegedly i haven. I haven't investigated it enough. Peter Schiff will probably next time he does the podcast probably educate me on it. He fucking gets crazy and starts screaming about it. Insurance companies aren't like good. It's not like good at what they do. And then you're like, well, too bad you have to. You have to sign up for that bad deal. How about the idea of insurance? It's fucking crazy.

The idea that you're going to gamble whether or not you get sick or hurt or your car gets fucked up. And if it does, these people pay for it. Like the whole economy of. Sort of pay for it. The whole economy of credit and the whole economy of like being able to purchase things in advance that you have to pay off. All of that is like a kind of financial indentured servitude. And almost everyone falls into it. You want to talk about.

In college. What keeps you on the grid. They give it before you have any idea, and they got you in debt already. They get you used to it. For a free t-shirt that has fucking... UMass on it. Yeah, or what's his name going up with college sweatshirt?

What's his name? Oh, Belushi? Belushi, yeah. You get one of those on white. Not even a cool one. Yeah, if you really stop and think about it, that is exactly what happens, right? You go to college. And they know these kids don't have any income, but they're still giving them credit cards?

They know they don't have income. They will only default. And they're chalking up all this debt. I mean, think about the idea that you have to pay for four years of living. That's a bad deal, too. After it's over. Yeah. Yeah. Like four years of living. That's a bad deal too. After it's over. Yeah. Yeah.

Like four years of everything. Four years, you have to pay for four years of all your food. Oh, when it's done, now you gotta pay it back. You gotta pay it back. Like if you had to do

four years of anything and then pay it after it's over, what a mess that would be. Imagine if like you, like all your food went on credit for like a year. I just finished my student loans. Just paid it off.

This year. Oh, my God. I'm so glad I don't have that shit. Oh, my God. You paid them off? That's so scary. A long time ago. Oh, wow.

That's so scary. I paid as it went. You paid as it went? Me too, but like 85 bucks a month. Mine was more than that, I think. Oh, that's probably why. Yeah, and for this deal, it's like, what? It's not even a good deal.

Well, it's the only way to get a career, though. I guess. You have to pay uh for college and everyone goes to have a jack it off some scholarship yeah scholarships are pretty sweet private schools cost a shitload now too fuck yeah they do they're like 15 20 grand at least more even when i was going it was five or seven some of them are 30 30 000 to educate a fucking seven-year-old. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Just for smaller classes.

Yep. Well, for more individualized attention, for good teaching, for good students. Look, man. I mean, we're all smarter. We're all smarter. The great resource loss in this country, a lot of it, comes from kids being disinterested in education. That's a great resource loss.

People doing a shitty job of raising their kids and then kids getting shitty teachers. Yeah, they have this out as like, well, parents got to do a better job. It's like, okay, but they're not. So then what? It's not just that. It's also dealing with other parents' work.

Like when you send your kid to school, you're not just dealing with your parenting and what you've done for your child. You're also dealing with all the other kids that are a mess. And you can see shitty parents and you can see all this different shit that happens with kids that are just real fucking nightmares, real crazy kids that disrupt classes. It's not just your kid.

It's everybody doing a shitty job of raising kids. It's not just you making sure that you do a good job. It's your kids going to have to deal with dummies. Yeah, it's friends too. It's nurture just beyond you. There's a lot good job. It's your kids going to have to deal with dummies. Yeah, it's friends too. It's nurture just beyond you. There's a lot of shit going on. What's on TV too? Sure.

That's got to play a part. Well, that's where community really comes into place. And that's one, I kind of understand gossiping way more now. You know, I understand. Whoa, whoa, explain that. That sounds interesting. Well, I understand gossiping way more now because the more things get fucked up in your community the more like in situations like raising children and you know so they're all kind of aware

of what the children are doing i heard so-and-so's son is is off you know you also hear like oh this guy likes to scream at his family you hear him yelling at his wife and you're yelling here like that's i was like oh we got a problem in our community. Like this- Public shame, public awareness. Well, it's also like you're trying to set some sort of a standard. You know, you're trying to make everybody get along together. And when you've got one person that's a fuckhead

or this guy, he's constantly drinking, he's a drunk. You want to be aware in the community of where the weak links are. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. I mean, that's what it's not just people mind their business.

It's sort of they have to mind other people's businesses because you got to find out where the problems are. Yeah. Especially when you have children. You know, you want to work. Look, if you got one kid that's skinning cats and doing freaky shit, you know what I mean? You got to know about that kid. When I had really tight-knit dorms, it was always that was the biggest problem was gossip. But it also came from a place of everyone's door was open,

everybody knew each other. It was a nice thing. Yeah. Yeah, I think there's good gossip. That was the biggest loss I had when I left religion was a sense of community. Right, that makes sense. And then no one was gossiping about me,

but I've lost that team. Yeah, that sense of community. Right. That makes sense. And then no one was gossiping about me, but I've lost that like team. Yeah. That sense of community is important for us. It's important for human beings, you know? I mean, essentially that's what we're putting together. Like,

you know, having this group of friends, but we all gossip about each other. Same shit. Yeah. But we do it at least lovingly. Yeah. You know,

like we actually want everybody to have a good time. Like we want everything to be in order. But if we find that someone's being retarded about some shit, you got to bring it up. You're like, did you see what that silly bitch did? You know, like you start talking.

Why would he do that? I don't know. Yeah. But. It's because we're interested in them. Exactly. It's, and it's,

it's also. Yeah, if you tell me about some gossip about some guy I've never met, I'm like, I'm bored by it. Yeah. It's like, all right. Some guy cheated on his wife.

Fine. Like if Brian starts smoking again because his cat hurt its foot. Yeah. I mean, we have to talk shit about that because it's so ridiculous. Yeah. What happened this time? This silly bitch. His fucking cat hurt its foot.

You would invent the best reasons to start smoking. You're like, all right, I got to tell these guys something. What should I tell them? You know, I'm really disturbed. I You're like alright I gotta tell these guys something What should I tell them I'm just disturbed about this cigarette ban This electronic cigarette ban Because I have looked into it And I think it's ridiculous There's third hand smoke

That's what they're saying now What's third hand smoke I think this is ridiculous If I smoke in this room This room now can give you cancer for the rest of it's life In the future now. What's third-hand smoke? I think this is ridiculous. Wait, what's third-hand smoke? If I smoke in this room, this room now can give you cancer for the rest of its life in the future. That doesn't make any sense. Is that real? Yeah. The reason

I heard about the ban. The room can give you cancer? That's the latest thing that they're saying now, is that there's this thing called third-hand smoke. It's set in. For like places that have been smoked in, like houses and stuff like that. No way. That's insane. It is insane. I thought they banned it because people were like, this is gross.

Everyone's smoking those things and it's annoying. Is this like one of those salon.com threats? I don't know. Is this real? But you know what's awesome? I tweeted something today of the seven beers that you should stop drinking immediately. Why? Like Newcastle has this chemical or this coloring in it that's been proven to give you cancer.

What? Newcastle? Newcastle. Hold on. I'll go without that. I'll Newcastle? Newcastle. Hold on. I'll go without that. I'll put a ban on Newcastle. Hold on and listen to this. Yeah?

Third-hand smoke is generally considered to be residual nicotine and other chemicals left on a variety of indoor surfaces by tobacco smoke. The residue is thought to react with common indoor pollutants to create a toxic mix. This toxic mix of third-hand smoke contains cancer-causing substances posing a potential health hazard to non-smokers who are exposed to it, especially children. So if somebody wipes this tabletop down, if it had cigarette smoke on it from smoking around it a lot,

and somebody wiped it down, it would combine with the 409? That is possible. With the 409? That's exactly what they're saying. And what they're saying is that other indoor chemicals can create a toxic mix. So it's not that smoking in a room can get you sick. It's smoking in a room and then somebody coming in with Windex. But they're going to do that.

Yeah. Yeah. It's the chemicals interacting. But what I'm saying is if they didn't do that, if nobody ever cleaned it with any chemicals, there was no chemicals exposed to it, then it would just be a room that somebody smoked in. Right. But it makes sense that the walls, that brown color that you see at pool halls where you know a dude's been smoking there for 50 years. Oh, yeah.

That shit is like, that's in the walls. Yeah, it's like when you see on the ceiling above the place where they have candles. Oh, yeah. You know, it's colored. Yeah, but that is at least just candle. You can see where it comes from, yeah. That's just fire. But enough smoke over the years.

Mm-hmm. Wow. It must be so deep. Those places, like those old school places where it's almost like the walls were yellow from smoke. Or old people's houses. Oh, yeah. It just smells in there from years. It's like, yeah, it might not even be now.

Dude, in the 90s, when I started playing pool, everybody in these pool halls smoked. And the air conditioning was horrible. Really? The ventilation was horrible. So you'd go to a pool hall and you would walk in the door and you would just immediately be greeted by a cloud of smoke. And you just dealt with it. That was just what you did. You'd go over to the table, and dudes were smoking

and putting their cigarette down on the table while they were playing. There were cigarette burns. They have those gold crown tables, and they have that sort of formica look like fake wood railings, and there would be burns all over the railings. People leaving their cigarettes on them. People's cigarettes. Wow.

So it was super common. They used to do it in poker rooms where you're allowed, and then they made it not allowed where you had to go out to the rail. So you just run out there and smoke. It was so fucking annoying. I was looking at my yearbook and it was like 1989. It showed all the things that happened in 1989.

And it says like 1989, first any flights over or under three hours ban on cigarettes on airplanes. I was like 1989? Only flights under three hours, yeah. I can remember it. I thought it was longer than that. I can remember it. I was like, 1989? Only five times in three hours, yeah. I can remember it. I thought it was longer than that. I can remember it.

I can remember the ban. I can remember when it happened. They had a curtain. Yeah. From the smoke section to the not smoke section. It was hilarious. That's hilarious. Yeah.

Imagine if you're there with your baby, and some guy behind you is chain smoking, and you're one row ahead, and you have a baby with you. That is so fucked up. Yeah, they had the ashtrays in the arm the in the arm meanwhile baywatch was on tv that's how stupid people god we were dumb as a country dumb as cunts check out this article with eight beers that you should stop drinking immediately because it has all these different chemicals and what article number one is

new brian put it up on the screen number one is newcastle. Brian, put it up on the screen. Number one is Newcastle. Newcastle. It's been found to contain caramel color in class three and class four caramel color, and it's made with ammonia. Oh, my God. And it has cancer-causing qualities in it. Oh, my God. Why would they have a fake color to their beer? To make it seem beer?

I will not buy you now because you're a fake bitch. Budweiser. Let's see what that is. What? It has GMO-modified GMmo corn in it and gmo rice is an anhyzer bush i'm not sure it's not as bad as cancer calls here's the thing man i'm not sure if it's even bad for you at all uh there's a there's two sides of the fence on that side is they won't allow you to research it right wait a minute is that true yeah they just try to ban everything they can't be sued for anything they do wrong all those those people, they just try to get the shit out there.

Well, certainly there's people that are profiting that are trying to curb the regulations as much as possible to maximize their profits. For sure that's happening. My question is, is there anything that shows that GMO corn is bad for you? Because there's apparently a whole list. Not all corn has nothing for you. Corn in general has no nutrients. It's got carbohydrates. Carbohydrates.

I mean, there's something in corn, but yeah, your body doesn't digest it very well. That's why you always see it in your shit? Yeah. That's why you see corn in your poop? Because your body's like, what is this, man? Exactly. Wow. Well, if you've ever seen that King Corn documentary.

No, but that's a good name. I like to put it on words like that. We'll put it on out there while I play some pool there. It's pretty dope. And it just shows you how deep the corn industry has its grip. Big corn? In America food, yeah. Like high fructose corn syrup.

Kevin Smith told us about it, man. Remember? He was, when he did the podcast, he was the one who told me to check it out. But they, it's in everything, man. High fructose corn syrup. Yeah, that's replacing sugar. Replace sugar in so many different things. But it just doesn't seem as bad, but it's gross. And there's government subsidies, dude. There's government subsidies. What does that mean?

The government gives corn farmers money and incentives to grow more corn. They grow corn for cattle feed, and then the cattle feed makes cows fatter. So you're dealing with these corn-fed cows that are really fat and sloppy and delicious. And sometimes they get like ulcers in their stomachs because their stomachs are not designed to process corn. They get really fat. Like when you see a steak at the market, like what you're seeing is a sick cow. Look at all the marbling, darling. This is going to make a delicious steak on the grill. What that is, is a fucking sick animal. Really? Because you're giving them no nutrients. Well, you're giving them too much fat. You're giving them too much sugar.

You're giving them too much starch. Marbling. You're giving them grain. You're giving them something their body doesn't want. Their body wants grass. What a cow's body naturally eats is just grass. They graze. And they just destroy.

It's cool to see in the mountains out there, like towards San Jose, towards those places where you just see them. Just go where they go. Somewhere nearby, somewhere in the shade sometimes they grain uh finish a cow where they'll feed them on grass and then before they butcher them they fatten them up with grain so his whole life he grazes and then um or she grazes i guess it's a he mostly he they steer you don't eat bull meat yeah you do you do steers that's what i was just gonna say what kind of steaks are those same shit yeah steaks most of the time they're coming from male cows.

They're coming from steers. The female cows are very valuable for their dairy, so the male cows, they cut their balls off and they turn them into steers. You can't really eat a bull. You can eat a bull, but good fucking luck. So they'll never become a real man? The steers are all eunuchs. Yeah. What? That's the only way you can control

them. First of all, good luck thinking that you're going to be able to run a profitable business of butchering bulls. Why? They're not going to want to let anybody corral them in anywhere and control them. You're going to have to take

extra measures to keep them happy. You can't go out into a yard filled with bulls. Instead of taking extra measures, we cut their dick off forever. Have to cut their balls off. You still probably can't be in there with them. They're giant. You have to have a dick, right? You've got to pee.

They pee. You can't just give them a vagina. They eat the balls, too. That's where Rocky Mountain oysters come from. No, they can't just give them a vagina. No. They get cross-dressing. They eat the balls, too. That's where Rocky Mountain oysters come from. No, people, cowboys. Those are Rocky Mountain oysters? That's what Rocky Mountain oysters are. After they cut off the cow's balls, they cook them up.

They dine on them. Yes. I had bull's balls in Israel. It's not bad. It's part of a mixed grill. Yeah, it's nice and soft. Yeah, I had it once at a chef cooked like Fear Factor food that would be delicious. Oh, he prepared it well?

Yeah. Oh, nice. And so he did it like with balls and did it with a couple of different things. I want to say that was on Opie and Anthony. Really? That they prepared it like that? I'm pretty sure it was on Opie and Anthony. I can't remember now.

They all become a blur, those Fear Factor interviews. But Bull's Balls tastes like just meat, like a kind of meat. It doesn't taste bad at all. remember now those they all become a blur yeah those fear factor interviews but uh bull's balls taste like just meat like a kind of meat you know doesn't taste bad at all it's like liver almost to me the consistency once you chop into it the consistency yeah it's a little more mushy than like a tenderloin or something like that but chicken hearts are really good too chicken hearts they had some fogota chow's they have They have chicken hearts. Yeah, in some places. I've never had it. What's it taste like?

Delicious. It's just delicious. It's just really good. They're small. They're like that small. If you've never eaten at fogo de chow, if you don't know what we're talking about, what they are is a Brazilian type of steakhouse called a chujascaria. And I just realized that most people don't know this because I had to explain this to

Yeah, I never knew what it was. It's the Brazilian way of cooking steak. It's fucking an awesome way to eat. You have a card, and the card has a green on one side and a red on the other. Some places it's like a fake salt shaker made out of wood. Yeah. You can turn it upside down with green and red. And when it's green, they keep coming to your table, and they slice meat for you, and you pull it off with tongs.

Different cuts of meat. Like, hey, here's some top sirloin. Would you like it? Yes or no? Skewers. These big giant skewers of just awesome looking meat. And it's all covered with like, you know, they like salted and the basting it in its own fats because it's spinning and this spinning on a rotisserie over an open flame.

And they come by your table and just slice off chunks of meat. And God damn, it's awesome. Yeah. Or they give you lamb chops, little small off chunks of meat and god damn it's awesome yeah or they give you lamb chops little small lamb chops oh it's so good chicken hearts we've probably eaten in how many of these like almost all of them they just opened up one in san diego too right down the street from american comedy co well they used to have a one down there that wasn't a fogo but it was another brazilian the first one i had like that was not a fogo it was somewhere in maryland and it was just like, what the fuck, bro? It's so good.

Just more and more delicious chunks of meat. And not only that, you get the party started in like five minutes. Yeah, right away. You don't have to like order your food

and wait for it to come by. You don't have to be your waiter. Yeah, it just keeps coming. And the salad bar's not bad. The salad bar's awesome. The salad bar's great. What are we doing, commercials here?

A fucking Samsung commercial? You gotta get a salad to coat the sides. Otherwise, the meat stays. That's a good move. You coat the sides with some beans and some broccoli and shit. We send in some fiber to open up the poop chute early. Yeah.

It's a warm-up for it. The poop, you know. Oh, right. The meat poop comes behind it. Have you ever shat at a Fogo or a Chaska Ria and then gone back to eating? Probably. You've done that, Brian? Oh, yeah. You've done that, Brian? Oh, yeah.

You've created room for yourself. Last time I went there, I actually decided that I was going to take it slow instead of going really fast and just eating as much as possible. Sure, that's one technique. I spent like two hours there. Really? Just hanging out, getting to coffee, and then going back to getting meat. Oh.

Like I just. You're a nightmare customer. Wow. Was it a sold-out night? No, it was just like an afternoon, Sunday afternoon. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, if you're one of those people that really wants to take advantage of it, I'm a glutton. I'm done in 10 minutes. I saw Vandale. You know, 10 minutes in, I could probably quit. There was one across the street from this hotel in Cincinnati. Yeah, yeah. I remember that.

And we saw Vandale checking in as we were going over there. And like midway through like we had just started the meet and he just jumped in like he put his bags down and went all those Brazilians

yeah they know how to eat I also pretty much just stick with picanha and I know they're really stingy how special picanha picanha picanha

yeah how special picanha yes man yes obviously yes give it to me they're stingy with it though I think I think that costs the most money no lamb chops is what they're stingy with it, though, I think. I think that costs the most money.

No, lamb chops is what they're stingy with. Really? Where the fuck are the lamb chops all the time? No, they're not stingy with anything, guys. Relax. How come I constantly... It takes a long time to cook this shit. A lot of people are eating.

They're not stingy. It's all... They're stingy. It's more than once. They're stingy. Oh, you're so chewing it up right now. And the guy with the little hot dogs, he feels so bad all day. Yeah, he's always running around.

Anybody? Anybody take my goddamn hot dogs. Beat it! Because they cook their own meat, so he feels like he must be depressed. Oh, they cook their own meat? Yeah, he's like the depressed one of the bunch. He probably just gets no pussy. He probably goes, alright. Diaz wants it well done, so he goes, alright, I'll make a piece well done for you.

Because every time they cut it off, now when it's more rare on the inside, they'll cook that part. They'll go back and put it on the spit. It's so good. It's so good. It's such an awesome way of cooking food. They really have got it down. We should go to Fogo de Fake after the show.

Oh, the one up the street? Yeah, that's pretty good too. Sure, let's do that. That place is fine. I got no problem with that place. Yeah, it's a great way of ordering meat. There's a Brazilian steakhouse in the mall that's fantastic. You just ask them and they just pile it all up on your...

Oh yeah, you weigh it. It's really good. It's not quite the same way, the joy of just like, whatever I can eat, I'm going to eat here. Yeah, it's definitely not quite, but it's still pretty fucking sporty. I like it. Yeah, they used to have that at that mall that you took me to, Brian. Yeah. And the Grove has one too.

Glendale. Glendale. So when you see a big, fat piece of marbling on a steak, it's cooked perfectly. It's so delicious, but it's really not a healthy animal. Oh, way to take us back. Like, how did we get here? You took us back. That's where we started.

Connected the dots. I like it. I had a fucking farmer on last week and talked with him for three hours. Real farmer? Real farmer. This guy, Joel Salatin, he's famous for doing what he calls, you know, he calls it integrity meat and integrity farms. Like the way he runs things, the animals live essentially like total free range. He moves the chickens around. He has

electric fences for the cows and the pigs, moves them to different areas of the farm and lets them just completely roam free and rummage through the woods. He's got pigs that are wild pigs, but they're domestic pigs rather, but they behave- Become wild a little bit. They look like wild pigs in a lot of ways. They're really fat, but the muscles really define. They have a darker tissue. They're much healthier animals. You know about salmon, right?

The pink coloring they get? They get that in the wild, but in captivity, they just add that shit. Yeah, they add that coloring. That's what we've agreed that salmon should look like. They get that in the wild, but in captivity, they just add that shit. Yeah, they add that coloring. That's what we've agreed that salmon should look like. Isn't that weird? When you lose the coloring, man,

that's something to do with your soul. Nah, something, right? Yeah, you lose the coloring of it? Does it have the same nutrients?

I wonder what it is, if it's like certain bugs that they eat, or, you know, certain shellfish, or what, what it is.

Let's find out, what keeps, what makes a salmon less pink. That seems weird that everybody. Let's find out. What makes a salmon less pink? That seems weird that everybody's just cool with that. What would be the right Google thing? What makes a salmon have pink? They dye the salmon.

Yeah, but in the wild, they don't dye it. In the wild, it's just pink. Really? Yeah. I think it's like, doesn't it, when it dies, how old the fish is, it gets whiter? I think it probably loses some color as it gets older. No, no, no.

It still stays pink? Yeah. What happens is there's something that happens. Okay, the amount of height. Oh, it's something about the protein pellets that they feed them. Takes away their color. Yeah. Wow.

They eat protein pellets instead of eating other fish. They would be eating other fish? They would be eating other fish. They would be eating all sorts of things. Man, fishing was so cool. Yeah, these are like couch potatoes is how they're describing it. That they just sit there all day eating bonbons and you're like, yeah, you're not healthy. Yeah, that they're essentially, they're consuming, this is what it says here in this one article,

they're consuming a tremendous amount of highly concentrated protein pellets and they make a terrific mess. Oh, God, apparently these fish farms are super bad for the environment. Oh, really? Yeah. Why? Because they raise a lot of the same issues that other places have if you have, like, chickens or cows. Like, fecal matter and shit. Oh.

So, you know, you have, like, a gigantic pool of these fish just shitting on each other. Yeah. Shitting and pissing in each other's faces. Oh, and they drain them and bury it somewhere and then they're like floating pig farms says this one guy who's a professor of fisheries at the university of british columbia they consume a tremendous amount of these things these pellets and then they just piss and shit in there that's you don't even think about that but But disease and parasites, which would normally exist in relatively low levels in fish scattered around the oceans, can run rampant in densely packed fish farms. It's all there.

The bug shit and everything happens. I don't even know if that happens. Look at that, Joe. 907 pound tuna fish found. It's almost worth $2 million. Wow. Wow. That's so big.

That thing is huge. That's chicken of the sea? Those things? That's worth $2 million? Oh, my God. That's so big. That thing is huge. That's chicken of the sea? Those things? That's worth $2 million? That's what they're saying. Like in a tuna store? Yeah, probably the fine chefs in Japan, right? Oh, my God.

That thing is so big. Pull up that picture again. Wow. $107 million. That is so insane. I thought she was just holding a fish, but that was just the fin. I would love to see the perspective. I would love to see a better angle that doesn't...

Doesn't come forward. Yeah, it's not flattened out like that. It's hard to, I mean, it looks obviously like a house, but. God, 907 pounds. That's insane. That is fucking insane, man. In New Zealand. I'm going to China.

It's a Jewish fish. You're going to China? Yeah, for three weeks. To do stand-up, right? Yeah. Wow. Just to fuck around and tour. That's pretty cool.

It is pretty cool. Yeah. Is there comedy. To do stand-up, right? Yeah. Wow. Just to fuck around and tour. That's pretty cool. It is pretty cool. Yeah. Is there comedy? I mean, can they understand comedy? They have Australians and English people and other English speakers that are just there. So they put on bar shows. You're going with Schubert? No.

Schubert's gone on that tour, though. Yeah. But no, it's just a run. Okay, here's what it is with salmon. I found out the actual answer. The actual color of salmon flesh varies from an almost white to a deep pink, depending on the levels of carotenoid astaxanthin, A-S-A-T-A-X-A-N-T-H-I-N, whatever the fuck that is,

due to how Jennifer Aniston, that is, due to how Jennifer Aniston? Jennifer Aniston. As-tax-an-taxanthin, due to a rich diet of krill and shrimp. Oh. So depending on how rich their diet is of krill and shrimp, they'll get darker.

But we associate it with them being healthier or more vibrant. The color of the thing they're eating exactly and salmon raised on fish farms are given artificial coloring in their food like if you oh really yeah which is even more fucked up so it gets into their meat that's even more fucked up the pellets have artificial color and pink dyes their skin brown yesterday well apparently people want us pink so now we're eating pink. How weird. You're eating pink food, like green eggs and ham. Yeah. But pink. Is that a real thing?

If you eat carrots all day long, you'll turn orange? Yes. Andy Dick turned orange. He did it? Yeah. How long did he do it for? He didn't eat carrots all day. Andy, believe it or not, is kind of like a supplement nut.

And he always had like a box. Young boys are not a supplement. nut and he always had like a like a box young boys are not a supplement of he always had a box of vitamins that he would take every day and he would drink like these fruit drinks and juice drinks and he would drink carrot juice was like carrot juicing so much that he actually got like an orange hue to him Wow yeah Andy dick being orange yeah it was it was very odd. That's what Mitzi used to call Sinbad. Orange? He's orange. Look at him. He's not black. He's orange.

Oh my God. You know, that's what I was talking about. You can get a little bit of a coach. You remember that dude who ate, what is that, that silver stuff? He drank some silver solution and turned blue, permanently blue. Wow, really? you never seen that? Violet Beauregard?

pull it up, man's skin turns blue was it blue? it was like silverish blue poor fuck he was like colloidal silver it's like one of those things where you like a lot of people got into this thing with colloidal silver and curing colds.

Papa Smurf. Yeah, this is the guy. And he turned blue. Whoa! Yep. That's what he looks like? Yeah, it's his real skin color. Forever?

Forever. Bergamil. Wow! Yeah. And it stuck that way. And I don't think they ever figured out how to get it off him either. And so he just makes his living going on talk shows and showing off his freak skin? How dare you, Ari Shaffir.

That's his new industry? This is just him educating the world, Ari. Why do you have to be so cynical? He's got a double microphone on his show. He's got a profit. How's he profiting? He's on a set. He should be profiting.

I'm looking at him on a set somewhere. I'm looking at him on a set. Maybe this is what his house is decorated like. Yeah, maybe. Really into modern shit. And Mike's on a set somewhere. I'm looking at him on a set. Maybe it's what his house is decorated like. Yeah, maybe. Really into modern shit. And Mike's on his lapel. I would dye my hair pink or something and make a go with it. Yeah, if he had like bright red hair.

Oh, yeah, the pink and blue combo. Pink and blue. Pink and purple dick. I used to make lanyards for chicks in camp with pink and blue lanyard. I think people would probably fuck him just for the oddity of it all. I'm sure. but he's probably already married so now the girl's like

we're gonna stick it out but I'm less attractive than I was before oh so sad poor guy I wouldn't mind it I don't think that's bad you wouldn't mind that

if I was a girl start taking colloidal silver son if it was a chick that had purple skin yeah I think it would be badass

I'd make her have pink hair it'd be sweet you would like a chick that looks like she's made out of metal it should be unique it would be unique you know like look like I'd be dating an alien made out of metal? It should be unique. It would be unique.

It would look like I'd be dating an alien. I'd just make sure that she had the right color hair and she did the right kind of cool makeup. How would you make sure that she would do that? I would style her out. What if she was like, I want to go green today with the hair? And you're like, no. Listen to me, bitch. You are me.

You are not. You're an extension of me. When I'm out, you represent me. You represent me. I don't want some bitch with blue skin and green hair. You're an idiot. Pink hair. Wear the fucking alien clothes.

Just wear the fucking alien clothes, okay? We bought them for a reason. Wear the alien clothes. I want to see a chick with this. Oh, my goodness. Look at that. That's so hilarious. Yeah, find a girl looks like that.

Oh, there's a girl. I see one. He's so excited. Yeah, find a girl looks like that. Oh, there's a girl. I see one. He's so excited. He found a girl. By the way, my next Storyteller show is on Tuesday, April 8th. Get the fuck out of here. How's that possible? We're not recording it.

It's just a live one. Who's doing it? Diaz, Matt Bronger, Emily Heller, Rob Delaney. Good God. Yeah. Good God. That sounds awesome. Tuesday?

Tuesday at 8? All stories about role models. Oh. Wow. Good God. That sounds awesome. Tuesday? Tuesday at 8? It's all stories about role models. Oh. Wow. What is that? That's when a girl that had the same thing happened. See, she just looks like bad lighting. Yeah, she looks normal.

She looks like Mother Pearl kind of-ish. Ish. I can't tell what the lighting is like. What does it say? What does the story say about her? See, a woman has turned silver. Warren. It's hard to tell in that. It's hard to tell. tell could just be dim lighting silver's a tough color to pick up uh internet medicines oh great joe you

recommending me to get silver colloidal is the same shit yeah after she took nose drops for years warning people to steer medicines containing the metal from nose drops. And this is from colloidal silver? Yep. Same shit? Yep. Wow. And the FDA approves that? They still, like, okay with that? I don't know about that.

Does the FDA have to approve colloidal silver? I don't think they have to approve it. If it's in nose drops? What is that silver that that one weed doctor gave us that one time that was like, you looked at it, it looked silver, and he's like, oh yeah, just spray it in your mouth.

Was that the shit? No, no. I know what you're talking about. have it no it wasn't that either way what that is and this guy's god is totally the the colloidal silver you actually make it like you put like these silver pieces you put it in like water and you add some sort of electric current dimitri used to do it my friend dimititri used to take colloidal silver. Yeah. He used to believe in it if he got sick. My friend Pete smoked a gold blunt. These rappers are selling gold blunts. Actual gold?

Yeah. Gold is the weirdest thing ever. A lot of people don't realize. He said it's a very smooth hit. You can take a piece of gold, like a little tiny piece of gold, and you can cover something as big as this whole desk with it. Because it can be so malleable to so thin? It gets so thin. It has really bizarre properties, almost alien-like properties, because there's no other metal that exhibits the same type of—

Do you think those are the old alien spaceships, the gold mines? What? Gold ore? Is this where the old alien spaceships went into the Earth and just created this? I don't think so. I think it's just an unusual mineral. Okay. I mean, we know it's similar to a lot of other ones it just has a an incredible property like the

ability to like spread and coat things good conductor too yeah that's a cool well that's her blue that's no that's no that's fake that's fake but i do like the pink and blue hair though i see what you're saying though brian come on man if we lived in the lights were off that wouldn't be a problem at all girls are getting tattoos though and getting those big hoop earrings and fucking their faces up anyway, why don't they just drink the silver and get blue skin? That would be pretty cool to be a uniquely different person. Yeah, I agree. It's definitely easier than getting your whole body tattooed silver.

If it was for a little while, if you get it for a year or something, you know people would sign up. Well, tattoos are forever. And these girls are getting face tattoos that say Walmart on it. Just blue forever. No one's getting face tattoos that say Walmart on it. Wait, what? girls are getting face tattoos that say Walmart on them? Just blue forever. No one's getting face tattoos that say Walmart on them. Wait, what? Who's getting face tattoos that say Walmart? These people.

Are you looking it up? I shouldn't say no one is. Are you looking it up? I would love for you to find a face tattoo with Walmart. Well, there's a woman who had a gambling casino tattooed on her forehead. Just gambling casino or the name of the actual one? No, it was like goldenpalace.com. Remember that? She had it tattooed on her forehead. And they casino or the name of the actual one? No, it was like goldenpalace.com. Wow.

Remember that? She had it tattooed on her forehead. And they gave her a certain amount of money? Yeah, I think it was one of those things where anybody who's willing to get it tattooed on their head

got like extra money. Wow. They used to put it on fighters' backs. Remember? Tattoos? They used to draw it on. Yeah.

The henna? They used to use like a magic marker and they would draw it on people's backs. Wow. Do you remember? No.

Or they would use body paint or something like that. Put it on the fighters. Mm-hmm. They did it with MMA fighters. Like one of the guys, Rico Rodriguez, they did it to him before he fought in the UFC, and he got in trouble for it because it was, look at this. Walmart. He's got Walmart.

Knuckles. Walmart. Star Mart. Wow. Wow. That's crazy. Man, you're going to go for it. Good joke. I like it. That dude has Walmart tattooed on his neck. This is actually kind of like yours, Ari. Is that real, though?

Yeah, this is real. Really? It's a pretty good photo, if it's not. I think that girl is probably a hipster. Yeah. Wouldn't you say? Stretch marks on her side, but still in shape. I don't know how you got two of those.

You go off, you go on. Used to be fat? Yeah. Fall off the health wagon. That's what it is. Do you worry about letting your kids watch certain things on TV? Like what? I don't know.

Yeah, I don't want them to watch too much violence. But they've walked in during the UFC fight before and sat down and cuddled with me and got real confused as to what's going on. Like one guy was getting fucked up and there's blood pouring down his head and I had to decide like how to react to this when she's watching this she's like why is there all this cut why is all this blood I go oh honey he got hit he got hit why did he get hit I go well this is a fight and sometimes when you're fighting you get hit is he hurt yeah he's done but he's gonna be okay he's definitely hurt. But he's going to be okay. He's going to be okay?

Yeah, he's going to be okay. But why did he get hurt? He got hurt because he's doing MMA. What's MMA? MMA is the UFC. What's the UFC? UFC is mixed martial arts. Okay, listen, we can't have these conversations.

Because there's a fight I want to watch going on, and it's already an exciting moment. It's important shit. Yeah. But it was... You know who was awesome? Mommy. Go talk to Mommy mommy take some of this on it baby sleep i didn't expect what happened was i was watching it and they weren't home and so when they came home they ran into the room while while i had it on and i didn't shut it off and it was already in the middle of a fight so it was one

of those things where i was like yeah you probably guys probably shouldn't be watching this but they didn't freak out go ahead go get your peepee on dancing they didn't freak out that's cool they didn't freak out yeah they did they've never freaked out when they saw hunting shows either and it hasn't taken anything away from them i don't think i don't i don't want to expose them to any uh any real violence though you know what even uh even Even MMA is probably too much for a five-year-old kid to walk in and see a guy getting ground and pounded. It's just something too primal about it. Do you want them to get into MMA when they grow older?

Would you like them to get into jiu-jitsu and all that stuff? I think that people should do what they want to do. And I think if that's something that becomes something that they think is exciting, if they think that MMA looks like it would be fun, or Jiu-Jitsu looks like it would be fun, then yeah, they should do it. But if they don't, and they think that something

else looks fun, they should do that too. I mean, I teach them things. I've already started teaching them. I think it must be hard for a girl to do something like Jiu-Jitsu, because I know, talking to a couple girls I know doing Jiu-Jitsu, they're like, yeah yeah you run into the guys that have the boners and you think they're they're just like trying to grind their dicks on you and stuff like that there's always gonna be guys yeah it's way harder for a chick to do it than it is for a guy it's way harder for a girl to find good

training partners too much less um less women do it so who, like, grinds it out and becomes, like, purple belt, brown belt, black belt, like, those women are badass, man. That takes, you got to be a special type of chick to gut it out and become, like, a jiu-jitsu brown belt, jiu-jitsu black belt. You know, to become, like, a real world class, like, Ronda Rousey type black belt. You know, she's a judo black belt, but, you know, same sort of thing. To get to that level, man, you've got to be something really special. You really do. You've got to have something that just pushes you past everybody else. Like when you see women that fight in the UFC and they have jiu-jitsu black belts,

like, God damn. A woman that has a jiu-jitsu black belt is a rare thing. I mean, there's a bunch of them them now but still much more rare than male black belts male black belts are everywhere i mean i don't know what the numbers are but i'd have to say it's got to be like 10 to 1 or something like that like male black belts yeah i mean i don't know i'm just totally i might be totally incorrect but i would i would expect it would be somewhere around that do you have any black women's black belts? No way. I don't think he does. No.

But there's some legit ones out there, man. I'll tell you that. That's for fucking sure. How many of them are lesbians? I don't know. Why don't you ask them, dude? Whip your dick out so you start sucking it. What if that was the way to tell?

What if it was like a crazy thing? It was like a girl saw a guy's dick. Like literally nature had made it so that all you have to do is show someone your dick. Like as soon as we started covering it up, nature made it so that if a guy pulls his dick out, like there could be like a room full of women. They all dropped to their knees and just start sucking it. Like nature just confused the shit out of you. And so it becomes like illegal to whip your dick out because it's like it's breaking the rules.

It's like they would have no choice after that. Imagine how crazy society would be. Oh, I have to go to work. Just catch people sucking people off for no reason. Like, what are you doing? I pulled it out. Asshole. Don't pull your dick out like that.

It's not going to be pulling it out. I want to get my dick sucked. I know, but there's a reason we have laws. That would be pulled out. I wanted to get my dick sucked. I know, but there's a reason we have laws. That would be the laws. We would lock people out for pulling their dick out in front of people. And then all these people would complain about it. Why are we stopping? That's our natural.

It sounds ridiculous, but so does almost all the weird shit like having to go to sleep. That sounds ridiculous. That every night you have to close your eyes and the thing stops and it goes into some crazy land. Your eyes are moving around back and forth inside your head. Every night, you have to close your eyes, and the thing stops, and it goes into some crazy land. It's rejuvenating. Your eyes are moving around back and forth inside your head, and you're fucking astral flying. What is that? That's way weirder than you pull your dick out, and people just start sucking it. Yeah.

It's way weirder. That's a real thing. What is that? Sleep is way weirder. It's like you're downloading some shit. Well, you're tripping. That's what you're doing. You're tripping your balls off. Eyeballs back and forth.

They're pretty sure that what's going on, and it's hard to measure it, but they're pretty sure what's going on is dimethyltryptamine, that there's a release, some form of release. So when you wake up, it goes out real quick? Yeah. Okay, I'm fine. They know now that rats produce it in their brains while they're alive. The pineal gland of the rat's brain produces this dimethyltryptamine.

And they're pretty sure that it produces it in high doses during periods of stress or during REM sleep. Extreme stress where your body thinks it's going to die in REM sleep are two times where it just floods you with it. And they don't know how to measure it in the dream state, like how to get REM sleep. They're trying to work on figuring know how to measure it in the dream state, like how to get REMs. They're trying to work on figuring out how to measure that.

Because to measure it, it's all, like, really difficult to run these kind of studies because it's a Schedule I drug. But it's also something that your body produces. Oh, right. So it's real weird. So you're monitoring Schedule I drugs and their appearance in the body. Like testosterone is in your body, but they regulate that too, right? That's true, but testosterone. It's not illegal. Yeah, it's not illegal.

You can get it prescribed. Wow. What the issue is with dimethyltryptamine is that it's so prevalent. I've never done it. I've got to do it at some point. You do. It's so goddamn prevalent. You've never done it, Brian?

Or you have not done it? And you don't think I should do it? Why not? Don do. It's so goddamn prevalent. You've never done it, Brian? Or you have not done it? And you don't think I should do it? Why not? Don't listen to him, ever. First of all. I don't know why.

You didn't like the salvia thing. I love the salvia thing. I keep saying, I love that. It just looked weird. You got so mad at me. Well, you were fucking

with him while he was tripping. I watched it. What were you doing? You were just being totally silent and respectful? No, I was hosting a podcast. You were trying to get some stuff out of it.

Yeah. I didn't know he was that fucked up. I was just having fun, but then once I noticed that he was really fucked up, then I tried to make him not stand up. You're already the devil. You were fucking with him until you realized he was fucked up and then you stopped fucking with him. Yeah, exactly. We were doing a podcast.

The problem is when you come out of that thing, it looks like you're better in your back. Like when C, I think C Hung did it, or somebody did it first, some Asian guy. And it was like, and then he came, and he's back and he's like, oh, how was that? And he's still like, um, it's weird. Yeah, you're not totally flatline. It's like, oh, you're in the back at all.

Yeah, right. Yeah. You're just not like gone. Salvi is a tricky one, man. It's tricky that Yeah, you're not totally flatlined. It's like, oh, you're in the back at all. Right. Yeah. You're just not, like, gone. Salve is a tricky one, man. Yeah. It's tricky that it, like, escaped all the regulations. So you need a spotter to do DMT? Yes. You should have a spotter. You should have one.

You should have some to what? Because as you light the pipe, you're going to fall? Well, I mean, I know a lot of people have done it without a spotter. Yeah, what do you need this pipe for? The lighter will go off once you... You're not in this world. What if you, like, stand up and knock something over, and you're going to be on the ground in La La Land

as a candle knocks over, and your house is on fire or something? Okay, you don't have candles. Yeah, you could just do it on the floor already, right? This is my question. Are you a chick? No, then what's with the candles, bitch? You don't like candles.

Listen, if I go over to a dude's house, and he knows I'm coming over, and he lights a bunch of candles, I get my fucking... my guard up. It makes it smell better. It also makes it gayer. I'm coming over and he lights a bunch of candles, I get my fucking, my guard up. It makes it smell better. It also makes it gayer. I'm not saying

there's anything wrong with that, but we have to be really clear on each other's intentions. I love lighting. If you're trying to give me a massage, you look really tense. Hey,

what's going on with the candles? Oh, thank you for noticing. They're scented. I make them. I crush my own roses. I crush my own roses. I make my own candles.

I lovingly put them together. And I would like you to have one and keep it by your bed. Yeah, there's something about candles. So don't have the candles if you're going to do DMT by yourself. You don't want to light your house on fire. Just have a spotter for sure. If you can have a spotter, have a spotter. But spotters get in the way sometimes.

Yeah, it's like, well, I need to do this. And then you've got to have some for them too. Well, not only that, sometimes they, like, interrupt. Yeah, I'd want to be alone and just have my experience completely alone. Eddie Bravo started snoring. He fucked up a trip I was on. He was snoring while you were doing it? Right beside him.

He was snoring. I heard him snoring, and I had to wake up in the middle of the trip and go, Eddie, wake up. You're fucking snoring while I'm tripping. He was spotting you, or he was doing it, too? Yes. He's supposed to be. He just took a nap. He's like, you were gone for so long. I'm like, whatever. he was doing it too? He's supposed to be. He just took a nap.

He's like, you were gone for so long. I'm like, whatever. I thought it was a 10-minute trip. It is. He took a nap inside. He took a nap. He couldn't wait. And if you have any pre-existing schizophrenia or anything like that, you might break your

head open. You might just become crazy immediately. That is the thing. If you struggle with an ordinary reality. That you might not even know about. Yeah, you might not even know. Well, there's a lot of people that are in denial about their own mental illness. Yeah, but I think there are a lot of people that don't know about it yet.

It's the only weird thing with those things. People who suddenly it's like, boom, you're turned. Yes, you become a werewolf. Yeah, I wonder if that would have happened anyway because people just become schizophrenics. It's possible. I don't know what the chain of events that have to take place in order for someone to go loony. But I know that it's happened with and without drugs. And I don't know if it's necessarily the drug's fault.

Yeah. With some folks, it could be, though. Some folks have had pretty hair-raising stories of not coming back entirely. And folks that they knew that didn't come back entirely. Setting off a schizophrenic episode. Yeah. I've known a few people with LSD. Well, yeah.

People that are vulnerable. Never came back from the future. No, never came back. Dude, I knew this one guy, and don't want to say it, in college, he used to just be the guy that would always take 10 hits instead of one hit. You're like, dude, just take one hit. He's like, no, bro, I'm taking 10 hits. He was constantly doing that.

He was constantly doing it. I stopped talking to him because I was just hanging out with a retard. You became a hippie. Right. Right. And then I saw him later, like five years later, and that dude was barely, he was not doing acid anymore, but his brain was so gone that it was like talking to a dumb, like a mentally retarded person.

Wow. Yeah. Well, you know, that's what they said happened to Ted Kaczynski. Oh, really? Ted Kaczynski was a part of the Harvard LSD experiments. He was a part of the experiments they did. Yeah. Well, you know, that's what they said happened to Ted Kaczynski. Oh, really? Ted Kaczynski was a part of the Harvard LSD experiments. He was a part of the experiments they did. Oh, and they unlocked them like fringe. They cooked people with LSD.

Well, he went when he went to, I think he was teaching in the Pacific Northwest. I forget where he was teaching. But he went to, it might have been San Francisco. Was it Berkeley? Might have been Berkeley. Anyway, he went there, he taught for a long enough period of time. Yeah. He taught for a long enough period of time that he could store up enough money to buy a cabin and then start his attack on technology. So the guy buys this fucking little piece of land and this little tiny cabin and goes up there and decides to start assassinating people who were involved

in the creation of technology. And this all came about because of the LSD studies. Wow. They dosed this guy to the gills. There's a documentary about it. There's a documentary about it called The Net. And it's all about Ted Kaczynski. Is it on Netflix? Probably. Probably. I don't

know. I feel like it's a foreign film that's subtitled The Net Unabomber. This is probably a good opportunity to say that Schoomfest is August 9th, 10th, and 11th this year. Schoomfest 2014. Oh, you can get it on YouTube if you want to. Oh, really? Yeah, the full version is available on YouTube. It's called The Net, The Unabomber, LSD, and The Internet.

And it's from 2003. And it's a German documentary. It's about the... It's just fucking fascinating shit, man. Because if you see the actual story, it really is pretty fascinating. When you find out, like, wait a minute, what did they do to him?

What did they tell us that? He was dosed up on LSD? Like, oh. Makes a lot more sense. Yeah. What did you guys do to that guy? Did you guys create that guy? This might have been something that someone created.

You think about what the Unabomber is. Yeah, that's a legit superhero, supervillain. Yeah, he really is. He's like Samuel Jackson in Unbreakable, right? He really is. I never saw that one. He's like a real superhero bad guy. Yeah.

Type of character. Super genius guy who decides to live in the woods as a recluse and attack civilization from the outside. You still got any property taxes out there? That's a good question. I don't think you ever get away with not paying something. You can't just pay off all your taxes. You can't say, hey, look, I'm going to give you guys a million dollars. This is for the next 30 years.

This is for the next 30 years of property taxes. We're done. We don't have to talk anymore. You can't do that. I don't think you can do that. They still take a piece of you. I think property taxes can change, too. You can't ever be free. You can't ever just be like, look, I got my little thing. It's true. You can't ever be free. It's kind of gross, isn't it? The idea of property taxes just hit me what it was. And I was like, wait, so you don't

even, when you have something, you don't have it? So if you don't pay it, they'll just take back your shit? You're just renting then. You're just renting everywhere. Yeah. Yeah, you're renting everywhere you go. And ultimately, when you die, if you don't pay that property tax, that's the reason why they use to close in on your estate. They take 30% of it, 40% of it, between there, every time you earn a dollar.

Then they take 8% to 10% when you spend that dollar. And then when you leave it to whatever little you have left, when you leave it to a friend or a family member, they take half of that. And then when they spend it, they take 10 more percent. You know what's really legit, though? States that don't have state taxes. Yeah. If you live in Seattle, you're in Washington State.

Washington has no state. Delaware, I know. You don't have state taxes. Florida, Nevada. There's quite a few. Yeah. You know, if you live in Seattle, you're in Washington State. Washington has no state. Delaware, I know. You don't have state taxes. Florida. Nevada. There's quite a few. Nevada. Nevada's a big one.

No state taxes. Dude, that's big. Nevada's starting to seem really nice. That's 10%. Non-Vegas Nevada. If you want to have an ecstasy hooker overload, that's your spot. Yeah. You should go there.

Nevada. You fucking start your podcast from the hard rock. Whatever happened to that? Weren't you guys doing podcasts from there? Yeah. You fucking start your podcast from the hard rock. Whatever happened to that? Weren't you guys doing podcasts from there? Yeah. Did you do a podcast from there? What's it happen? From whatever it's called, the hangover.

Or what's that Sunday thing that they have there? The pools. Rehab. Rehab. Thank you. We did one episode, and then I guess somebody high up that owned the banks that own the place saw it and were like, hey, we've been having so much problems with other shows being in there.

There was like some show, it was a reality show based there. Oh yeah, that's right. And the show, they showed people like doing cocaine and all this like hooker shit and stuff. And so I guess they got in a lot of trouble for it. And then,

so then when we did our Death Squad podcast there, the bank saw the first episode or heard about the first episode and was like, wait, what are you doing?

You just said no filming. You're doing another reality show for a guy called Death Squad? No. So they axed it and then all these people got fired. That's hilarious.

Oh no. I went there one time instead of going back and I smoked cigars, drank, did some ecstasy and man, I was having a good time until we actually got on the plane later cigars, drank, did some ecstasy. And man, I was having a good time until we actually got on the plane later.

And I was like, this was a horrible mistake. I feel like Vegas podcasts, like a live Vegas podcast could probably be fucking crazy. Yeah. You know? Like do, like not just live Vegas shows, but do a live Vegas podcast somewhere. It'd have to be the right size venue though. Yeah. Where you could have a legit podcast.

Is there anywhere in Vegas to go out to party that's not just a loud nightclub where they're playing techno-ish music? Yeah, there's like Irish pubs and stuff in Vegas. It's just people that live in Vegas all year round. Green Door. They're over it all, man. Yeah, go to the Green Door. What is that, that Swingers Club?

I've heard of that. They used to do a comedy that, that Swingers Club? I've heard of that. They used to do a comedy show there. Swingers Club. I heard this yesterday. If somebody gets an STD at a Swingers Club, they all have it within a week. Of course they do. They're all just fucking and turning, yeah. Dirty little piglets.

Did you see Bill Clinton on Kimmel talking about aliens? Yeah, I did. What did he say about aliens? Pretty sweet. He was saying that we could play it, but he didn't say much. What he said was that he went and looked when he first got into office. He went and immediately went to look into the Area 51, look into Roswell crash, look into all this different shit and find out whatever he could. That's cool.

And he said that if he did find aliens, he would tell us. He goes, yes, I would. Yes, I would. And and he said it and it seemed like he was telling the truth but what does that mean yeah i believed him when he said he's a carousel sexual relationships with that woman no i just meant oh obviously i stuck a fucking cigar in her vagina i meant whatever i meant it wasn't actual sex and like we didn't try to make a baby i didn't come oh really so you weren't you didn't know you were lying to us? You didn't know goddamn well. Not by my definition of the term.

Not by my definition of the term. That's how we got out of it. I forgot about that. Like, wow. If he really knew about aliens, I don't know if he would tell us. He might. What's he got to lose now? He's so cool.

That would be the dopest thing to check, too, if you got an office. Just for personal inquiry. Wait, so they do tell us this now, right? Let's go. Let's hear it. Who's the Ill they do tell us this now, right? Let's go. Let's hear it. Who's the Illuminati? What happened to the aliens? Let's hear it.

I want to know. Is he like our JFK? Yeah, let's hear it. Let's hear it. No, JFK got shot. Because I want to know. I'd want to know what has been going on. Did you do that?

Sort of. Sort of. We didn't get Jimmy Kimmel's question. He asked him, I would want to find out about UFOs. Sometime I think it was the beginning of my second term, we had the anniversary of Roswell. You waited that long? I did. Wow.

Well, I didn't. And then I, there's also Area 51. You remember there was a great sci-fi movie where there was an alien kept deep under the ground in Area 51? So first I had people go look at the records on Area 51 to make sure there was no alien down there. And people thought that because everybody who works there has to stop about an hour away and put on special clothing and then drive in and out. That's because a lot of our stealth technology is made there.

We know that now. But there are no aliens there so then I when the Roswell thing came up I knew we'd get you know zillions of letters so I had all the Roswell papers review everything if you saw that there were aliens there would you tell us. Yeah. You would. I would. I would. Well, I think, look. You looked away. What do we know? We know now we live in an ever-expanding universe. We know that there are billions of stars and planets literally out there. And the universe is getting bigger.

We know from our fancy telescopes that just in the last two years, more than 20 planets have been identified outside our solar system that seem to be far enough away from their suns and dense enough that they might be able to support some form of life. So it makes it increasingly less likely that we're alone. I want to get high with him.

You're trying to give me a hint that you are alien. Oh, he definitely gets high, right? Getting baked with Clinton. I'm trying to tell you I don't know. But if we were visited someday, I wouldn't be surprised. I just hope that it's not like Independence Day. Yeah, right. That it's a conflict.

Well, now we have friendly animals. Maybe the only way to unite this incredibly divided world of ours. Yeah, he actually had the same point that Reagan had. Remember Reagan had that speech and he talked about, I often wonder if we, you know, he was talking about an invasion from another planet. Yeah. If we were invaded by another planet, would that be enough to join America together and join the world together rather and make us realize that we're all in this together?

Do you think that's something we'll do if they have aliens that were like hey plan an attack make it seem like it's aliens we'll unite well that would that would unite people in a lot of ways yeah us versus them if there was versus if there was a real alien invasion then what was that show with the lizard tongues versus v versus yeah v, that's it. Man, if there really were aliens here, if they're smart enough to get here, they're smart enough to be running shit. If there really are aliens, they're like in the banking industry. Really?

They're already here. They're taking over? They just decided to just run this stupid government. Oh, we can control everything. All we have to do is get a hold of them. What, are they going to do it for themselves? No. Let's just do it.

Let's just land, infiltrate the banking business, and control the entire planet just from controlling the resources. Alien is internet. What if we find out the internet is just an alien? It is an alien and lives off people's attention? So now he's super powerful? Technology might be an alien. How about that?

Technology might be an alien that forced human beings to create it technology is an alien that exists in an idea exists in an idea and a creativity that infects the human consciousness the human consciousness develops this extraordinary ability to manipulate matter and change its environment and then the human being accelerates it from there so that this alien has come in the form of an idea. And that idea is just the simple desire to improve upon your surroundings. And that in that desire, in the ever accelerating and escalating nature of human beings, that this desire builds on the past generation's work. And they build on that past generation's work. And they keep going on and on and on.

And exponentially, the group of people that understand the technology gets bigger and bigger and bigger and then finally boom it gives birth to whatever the fuck this alien is this alien meaning this artificial biological life that's created by technology that just used the human imagination to give birth to itself that imagine if you send ideas and you send an idea literally is an alien seed and you drop an idea in a group of monkeys and you know that in x amount of million years they're going to build you right because that's just the natural progress yeah yeah sort of like a caterpillar is naturally going to become a butterfly if you drop the seeds yeah there's going, yeah, there's going to be chaos.

There's going to be fucking crazy wars. There's going to be battles. There'll be nuclear weapons. There'll be pollution. But at the end of the day, these dumb monkeys are eventually going to give birth to you. All right. That you're going to come out of it no matter what. Because what you are is artificial intelligence that's plugged into the power of the universe.

Artificial intelligence that requires a biological being to make it. But then once the biological being makes it, okay, I got it from here. And then you're born and you come out guns blazing. And by the time the human beings have choked themselves off the earth, literally choked themselves due to pumping their own shit into the ocean. Then you're okay because you're there. Yeah, it doesn't matter. You don't need them.

Because this biological life form is unnecessary anyway because it's just a tool to create the technological life form. That's how it takes its place. It comes into a place. Exactly. Time moves so quickly to them that it's like, whatever, so it'll only be a couple trillion years. Well, it doesn't matter for them because they're infinite. They'll live forever. In a couple trillion years, we'll have a baby.

They just say, look, we'll just plant a seed. It takes time to grow. And that seed is curiosity and imagination and the ability to manipulate their environment with their fingers. So they get in there and they start fixing shit and changing shit and fucking boom and tightening things up and clipping things off and lighting things on fire and blowing things up and pressing buttons and next thing you know this fucking terminator steps out of a machine just took a while took a million years took a hundred thousand years it's like it's just what happens gestation period yeah it's just what happens sort of like um you know you've seen those uh those weird parasites that grow inside different insects' bodies,

and they force the insect to do things to make them hatch. Yeah. Like, there's a grasshopper that gets infected by this aquatic worm, and it commits suicide so that the worm could give birth. It could give birth through its body. The worm bursts out of its body in the water. Oh, really? Wow.

So it actually wires the grasshopper's brain and talks the grasshopper into drowning itself so that it can be born out of its body. In the water. Yeah. So it lives its whole gestation period out of the water. Exactly. Then it gets born into it. Wow. Yeah, it lives inside a fucking grasshopper's body.

Fuck yeah, biology. So now why wouldn't anyone research that shit and try to use it for a weapon? Of course. Of course you should. Of course they would. And that acceleration. It's like if you think about what are we doing? If we're doing that, if we're giving birth to this technology,

this technology literally has become a part of our lives. It's become a part of our bodies in the sense that you have a phone connected to your body at all times. It's becoming more a part of your body when you start going with the Google Glass and these new ideas they have about possible contact lenses in the future that you can see screens and only you can see you're gonna be able to read all these things out like you're gonna be on a date and you're gonna see like text show up over her eyelids and you're like bitch are you texting your friends no but you see are you are you getting texts right now do you have auto

text on so people can just text you while we're out at dinner? I'll text on. Take your lenses off. I'm not taking my lenses off. Well, then turn auto text off. It's off. I heard this thing they were doing about whether or not it's safe to drive with them. And they were like, you know, it's going to be distracting.

You're going to be texting. You're going to be looking at directions. And the guy's response was like, it's actually way safer. Like, you don't understand the experience. You're not, like, looking at it. It's just part of your sight. It's definitely better safer. You don't understand the experience. You're not looking at it. It's just part of your sight. It's definitely better than looking down. Yeah, they used to have those things where the speedometer, it would shine up onto the windshield.

Yeah. So you could still be looking at the road. Heads up display. They still have it. That was pretty cool. Yeah, they have it still. Corvettes have it. Really?

Yeah, it exists in a lot of cars. YN cars. So you're not taking your eyes off the road to use yeah but if you were texting wouldn't your mind be off it like if i could look right at you if my mind wanders i don't even see you if i really let my mind wander or something else that's true it's definitely not as good as only paying attention to the road and i see it all the time i'll see like someone weaving and and you look down you see they're looking at their phone doing it's like god Damn it. You fuckhead we even you're still keeping it out and you're on the highway

Like being on the highway and weaving your phone is scary shit be more careful next time. Yeah, this next paragraph What are you gonna say? Yeah, yeah, he's fucking people Just that's one thing that I think you really should not do Especially when you're on the god texting. Texting and driving? Yeah. Fuck, that's a scary thing. Yeah. Still do it, though. Yeah!

You shouldn't, but still do it. Why don't you do a text thing? What's a text thing? Like a voice-to-text thing. You could do that, but then you've got to open that. Oh, no, they do that on the iPhone, so sometimes they do that. If it doesn't get it right, though, it's like, come on, then you've got to delete it and start over. This is being done through voice recognition software because I'm not an asshole.

So pretty much this is close. Yes. Oh, right. And then next. Tell me if you need clarification. Yeah. On the old NVIDIA, you used to have a button. I like your vagina.

Send. Like real simple stuff. Do you like my penis? I've tried that on my iPhone before. Siri, read me the new text. And it says, and it's like options, reply, do whatever. Ooh. Does it work? Yeah. But it's like, options, reply, do whatever. Ooh. Does it work?

Yeah. But it's like, you've got to talk slowly. But the complaints about Siri are pretty fucking profound. Siri's been fixed. The new Siri is awesome. Totally fixed. Pretty awesome. How awesome?

I love it. I use it all the time now. It's good for simple things. I do like Siri. Call my friend John. Yeah. Or Siri, I need to go home. You have to talk to, you've got to call her Siri first? She listens better if you talk to her that way my friend, John. Yeah. Or Siri, I need to go home. You have to talk to – you got to call her Siri first?

She listens better if you talk to her that way. Ooh, that's creepy. Yeah. Like, I need to drive home. And then, you know, it will say – like, you can choose what – Yeah, I think if you point it to something, like, Siri, find me directions home. Right. Like, if you talk to it more, then it reads – it understands the verbs better. When you said

I need to go home, what did it say? Okay, here. I need to drive home. Getting directions to Brian Redman. Hmm. You were like, no, no, it doesn't address. You got so worried there. That's interesting. Yeah, and then it takes me right to, you know,

driving directions. That's interesting. I know. Yeah, and then it takes me right to, you know, driving directions. That's interesting. Hey! Shut your phone off, dummy. Jesus Christ. You almost gave away the line of freaks outside your house. It doesn't matter, man. I'll be walking to Starbucks, and people tweet me photos of me walking now. I'm just like, that's so freaking weird.

That's someone who wants to fuck you. Yeah. She'll let that guy fuck you. He'll leave you alone. Once you realize it's no big deal. Yeah. I'm just like, that's so freaking weird. Someone wants to fuck you. Yeah. You should let that guy fuck you. He'll leave you alone. Once he realizes it's no big deal. Skylar Stone asked me that.

He goes, why did we leave your shirt off on Sunset? I remember, because I don't give a fuck. Suck it. Yeah. Suck it, bitch.

So, this trip, this triumphant return to Tempe, was that symbolic in any sort of a way? Well, I did think a little bit like that. We used to go there with you.

That was one of the first stops we'd make to Tempe. It was pretty much every year. Yeah, that was a big one. So we did a Phoenix stand-up live before, which was fine and good. But this was like, oh, yeah, this place. That was one of the early big clubs. Yeah. Also, I thought I'll never be able to headline that club.

It's too big. Even if you go to 300 Cedar, that place is 50% bigger than that. Yeah, it's a big spot. So actually doing it and getting to pull it off. A little bit of that where you have to step back for a second like, wow. Did you guys bring anybody else or just you two?

No, Pauly Casillas opened for us. He lives there. Oh, he lives there? bring anybody else or just you two no paulie paulie cassius open for us who paulie cassius he just has he lives there he's a local oh he lives there yeah yeah so he would just do a few minutes and then bring somebody up yeah that's awesome man it's cool crowds he has a problem that i tell everybody who opens for me i'm like just so you know a lot of them i mean a lot of them got high like the minute before the show started yeah so like don't if they're just like smiling for your first 10 minutes don't if they're just like smiling

for your first 10 minutes don't read into that like you're doing fine do you uh get him high yeah yeah he was yeah i get the locals high i try not i try to like later in the week once i've gotten to know them they don't have to impress me get them high like you used to get me like way too high do you uh do you impress upon them that it would be good to get high before the show yeah Yeah, and then if they're like, no, I don't do that. I'm professional. I let them be professional for a show or two, but then it's like. Come on, bitch. Come on.

You just smoke this. Come on. Just smoke it. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. Just knowing they won't be. But just do it. Who cares?

Just do it. She's not even here. The owner's not even here. She's going to get a report. You remember there was that one lady in Tempe that would call Dan Mervins. He had his fucking. He had his spies. I brought a flask. He had his spies. I brought a flask because you weren't

allowed to drink on stage. Brian's at the idea. He goes, wait, they won't give us alcohol? How about we just go buy some alcohol? And then Joe Rogan's like, I'm rich! That's right! Let's go buy alcohol! We went to the liquor store and brought back rum, whiskey, vodka in flasks.

The green room is set up perfectly Because when you go in there's a little alcove Deep in there and to the left that you can't see from the doorway And it became a joke on stage Because I pulled out the flask And I said I like to take my Diet Coke And then I like to pour like warm Coke in it So I keep the warm Coke in this thing

Just heat it up with my body And then I can pour it in there See it's the same color as Coke A lot of people think it's like whiskey or something but that's crazy you're not allowed to drink whiskey on stage so you keep getting cokes brought to you on stage yeah that's right and you would take your pour it in and the uh the the waiter um like uh whoever it was waitress waiter ratted me out and so dan called me up and he's like were you actually drinking on that stage and i said no it no, it's a gag, man.

I'm a professional comedian. The fact that you had to lie. Well, I didn't even care if I was lying. I was like, listen, dude, I know this is not a real law. So cut the bullshit. You made up the state law. Yeah, they made up a law to run this place. And the law was you weren't allowed to drink on stage.

Arizona, sorry. Yeah, in Phoenix. Oh, okay. For a few years, I was like, uh-huh, guess what? What a weird law. It didn't allowed to drink on stage in Phoenix. Oh, okay. For a few years, they were like, uh-huh, guess what a weird law. It didn't exist. It was bullshit. They made up a fake law because they didn't want comics being comics. But then when I was done once and I went to the bar, I was like, can I have a beer?

And I saw the bartender look over my shoulder. And I saw who he was looking at. It was one of the owners. And I was like, what? Dude, I'm done. Yeah. I'm offstage. Give me the fucking beer.

Whoa, look at him. I'm a grown man. You got all crazy there. It was so frustrating. Did you'm off stage. Give me the fucking beer. Whoa, look at him. I'm a grown man. You got all crazy there. It was so frustrating. Did you hear the tempo? Give me a fucking beer. And I was always the alcoholic because I would have to buy drinks for you guys. So I'd be like, five shots.

Well, when that dude who owned it wouldn't let us have a shot before the show, I'm like, listen, man, come on. You're crazy. Like, you can't do this a shot before the show. I'm like, listen, man, come on. You're crazy. You can't do this. I know what I'm doing. You don't think I know what I'm doing? I'm not going to go off the rails here. If I go off the rails, you don't book me again.

I've never gone off the rails. But here's the thing. These people that have gone off the rails. Not at a comedy club. Not at a comedy club. But I've never fucked up a weekend. I've never gone in there and got drunk on purpose. We've all gone off the rails drunk. That's not what I'm saying. But I'm saying as a weekend. I've never gone in there and got drunk on purpose. I mean, we've all gone off the rails drunk. That's not what I'm saying.

But I'm saying as a professional. And I think that if you're running a comedy club, you've got to let comedians be comedians. Yeah. And then if we're not good, then don't invite us back at that price. Yeah, we know what we're doing, for the most part. And if not, you really shouldn't be in the comedy business.

They don't really like dirty. I do this. Don't worry about it. Yeah, that's a big one. they don't really like dirty. I do this. Don't worry about it. Yeah, that's a big one. They don't really like dirty thing. Like, oh, come on. You know, and there's another thing, too. One time you saw some open mic or not do good with dirty. There's a problem with a lot of these guys that run these clubs that are, like, in recovery.

And that was that guy's problem. Oh. He was a nice guy, but he had an issue in the past with alcohol. And so he was, like, very adamant that alcohol is a bad thing, and he's in recovery, and he's very religious. And so having us there just was kind of a crazy thing in the first place. And then having us there and us wanting to drink. So it wasn't the guy that left? Not the crazy guy that they got rid of, but the next guy came in who turned out to be the more majority owner than the crazy guy.

But then they had another guy. Remember that they opened up a new club in town. And he goes, what the fuck? Yeah. This is my own company. And then all of a sudden, then he just disappeared. Well, didn't he have a health problem, like a real bad health failure? Yeah, they found him dead.

They found him dead. In a hotel room. That's a health failure. Bunch of blowing hookers. That's the definition of it. He's talking about a real bad health failure. Yeah, they found him dead. They found him dead in a hotel room. That's a health failure. Bunch of blowing hookers. That's the definition of it. Talking about a two-week run. When they said they hadn't heard from him in a week, and he was a goody two-shoes before, I was like, oh, that's a suicide or a murder.

He's gone. Who knows? He's gone. Let's not talk about it too much in the air. We don't want to be a part of it. We want to make sure we can keep going back to that club. You're going to be there. We want to make sure we can keep going to that club.

Part of the reason that I enjoy going to clubs. You don't want to start some investigation. Oh, right. You think it's a straight up murder. All right. I didn't say that, Shafir. What the fuck, man? So you're on the record with who did it.

Oh, you son of a bitch. I see what you're doing. I can't believe you. I trusted you. Da, da, da. Next on Rogan Chronicles. That was a place where we had years and years of sets there. I mean, I was doing that club with Joey in the 90s.

That's one of the first places. I opened there for Pauly once, and it was like first day of the weekend. And so we were doing his merch, and some girl came up with like a T-shirt, a big busty ASU shirt with like a T-shirt. You know how they cut their T-shirts? Yeah. She did that. She goes, I really liked your set.

I didn't know what it was back then, but I got the tingling in your balls. You didn't know what it was? I didn't know. That means just say, hey, what are you doing? Let's hang out. We should hang out. So your spidey sense were going off and you were like, what are you? I just waited. What's your signal? I just waited and didn't ever ask and she left.

I just thought she would eventually find me. But that was never going to happen. Yeah, that's highly unlikely. God, I let it go. If that happened on a Saturday, I'd be able to handle it. But on a Thursday or Wednesday. That's what I'm saying, dog. Saturday, you'd be, like, comfortable.

I'm still upset. I could have gotten herpes from that girl. Easy. You don't know whether or not she would have had herpes. Maybe she wouldn't have, but then it's just negative that I didn't go for it. You silly boy. Have you had your man period lately?

No. Brian and I have this theory that when we shit and it's all bloody in there, that it's possible that he does it at the same time like it's based on the moon. How often do you guys shit when you get blood in your shit? Happens. Happens every couple months. It goes for like a week.

Really? A week. Yeah, it's almost a week exactly. So is it a hemorrhoid thing? I hope. It has to be. Oh my God. And then you wipe and you're just like,

oh, I'm still wiping a lot of shit. But you're like, no, it's just soaking red blood. There's no shit in it. It's like red dye on your hand. Yeah, it goes straight through the toilet paper. You guys both need to go to a doctor together and find out what aliens are raping you in the middle of the night.

We could have a shit study. Imagine if we do a fucking camera over your bed. That's a really- We watch aliens come in the room and take you through the walls in the middle of the night, return you later. And sometimes when you stand up at your toilet seat, it looks like Dexter, like the blood spots that- It didn't go in the water?

Yeah. If you have too low of water. Wow, man. If you guys are both shitting out that much blood. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, it pours. It pours out. You can feel the warmth. It's like a warm the water? Yeah. I feel too low in the water. Wow, man. If you guys are both shitting out that much blood. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, it pours. It pours out.

You can feel the warmth. It's like a warm faucet. Okay, how does this happen? It's like you take a beaker and turn it over, a real thin beaker, and turn it over, like about that amount. This is not something to be proud of. The shots they overpriced sell you. For the shot girls, those.

Like about that much water. This is not something to be proud of. You guys are both really sick. Jamie, are you okay over there? Are you and I in the same boat? I can tell you this, though. I did have a massive diarrhea problem last week. Really?

It was the worst diarrhea problem I've had in a long time. I do not know. Multiple days or one diarrhea and then you're done? Multiple days. Really? I don't know if it was a stomach cold. I don't know if it was something that I ate that didn't agree with me. But it was like one day I had a headache and I, my, I was like, wow, I feel, I

think it's like a food poisoning issue. Cause I had a headache and I was like, man, I feel weak. You think it was the ham? No, definitely not. Definitely not. Before that. Yeah.

It was, um, no, it was, it was post ham, but I hadn't eaten a ham for days. Okay. It definitely wasn't that. It was something that I'd had, I think that day or before that day. Anyway. And just diarrhea.

Oh my goodness. I mean, it was more than a week after I'd eaten a ham now that I'd had, I think, that day or before that day. And just diarrhea. Oh, my goodness. I mean, it was more than a week after I'd eaten a ham, now that I think about it. Did you mix it with the regular dump and have like a half and half? No, dude. It came over the edge of the- This is what happened. Whatever was going on inside my stomach was converting everything I ate into this horrific liquid. And it didn't even make sense.

It was like defying physics. How solidified was it? It was water. If you dropped it on an inclined table at a 40 degree incline, would it go straight off the table or would it take a minute to go down? It would ride like a fucking great wave. Straight through it. Like a great brown wave of destruction. Dude, it would rumble.

My stomach would rumble and then I would go, oh shit. Really? And I'd have to go to the bathroom. And I would hold it. Like the. My stomach would rumble. And then I would go, oh, shit. And I'd have to get to the bathroom. And I would hold it. Like the old commercials? Like, listen. There's no way I was brave enough to fart. There was no way.

There was no way. Because I would get into that tub, or get out of the bowl, rather. And I would just hear, whoosh. Just water shooting out of my ass. Wow. It was complete water for like two days. And then it became like very untrustworthy shit. You're like, I feel something solid, but it's swimming.

For the next day. Yeah. And I got hemorrhoids. I had to go get preparation H. Oh, no. Really? I've been squeezing it and pushing it, trying to get it to come out for so long, which is really bad.

Pushed air bubbles into your asshole. Well, I think squeezing your ass like that, trying to poop, is very bad for you. You're not supposed to do that. And that's apparently one of the things that causes hemorrhoids. Long dumps. So then, but preparation age is a motherfucker, dude, because one day of that cleared it right up really quickly. Yeah.

Did you get the cooling, the Cool Ranch one? Cool Ranch. Cool Ranch preparation age. For Cool Ranch scent. Yeah, you smell refreshing. And find out people are putting it on food. You can't eat that, sir. It tastes just like it.

Yeah, Preparation Age. Imagine if Preparation Age was totally edible. Yeah. Whatever it does, it really works good at fixing any sort of hemorrhoid situation you got down there. They went away within a day. But man, four fucking days. Four days of totally untrustworthy shits. Did you have the pasty shit where it's like you could spread it on brick?

Oh, I could spread it. Like the pasty stuff? Yeah, it was like leaves in there and shit because I still eat healthy. But it was like a lot of liquid. It was some sort of a stomach bug, whatever it was. I don't have any idea where it came from food or whether it came from just catching a cold and, you know, that this cold manifested itself

as a stomach bug, but whatever it was, man, it was crazy for a few days. And I felt real weak. Like I'd go to pull my bow back and it was like kind of difficult to pull the bow back. Cause you're weak from stumping? Yeah. Didn't people use a dive mat?

No, I was weak. I was weak. Like I would like pick things up. From not having water inside you. Yeah. I could feel a difference from dumping? Yeah. Didn't people use a dive mat? No, I was weak. I was weak. Like, I would, like, pick things up. From not having water inside you. Yeah, I could feel a difference. Yeah. Yeah, definitely dehydrated, but also just I wasn't eating right. Because you were scared?

No, I wasn't getting hungry either. I mean, I was eating right in that I was having, like, lettuce and salads and stuff like that, but I wasn't eating very much. I wasn't eating, like, light meals during the day because my stomach was so untrustworthy. What is that when that happens, diarrhea? What is it? What's happening? I don't know, man, but whatever it was, like light meals during the day Because my stomach was so untrustworthy What is that when that happens, diarrhea? What is it? I don't know man, but whatever it was It is digesting, it's just too much

I would have steak and some salad And it would turn into water How does steak and a salad become My body was liquefying it And it would come out Whoa, what is that? Is it too much stomach acid That's just breaking down everything and melting it? I don't know the process.

I should probably know that. You should have shit on your hand a little bit and sort of smelled it right then, see if it was the acidity. Well, I took some Onnit enzymes. Onnit enzymes. It's all been a diet correction. Onnit poopy piles. That's how it got me out of it.

No, I just had to do the time. I just had to let my body process it. Drink a lot of water. Put in the reps. Yeah, I was definitely thinking that I was probably getting dehydrated from it. I was like, so much water is coming out of my ass. I better make sure I just drink a lot to go with it. Ari, does your hemorrhoid, when it happens, do you even feel the hemorrhoid?

I still feel it. I feel like it's like, oh, there's still some stuff I've got to wipe off. Really? Oh, that's just my ass now. See, mine just bleeds like a whale. Feels like a giant turd. That's just my ass now. That's my shit right there.

Yours feels like what? Bleeds out. It doesn't even feel anything. That's that whale that exploded? Yeah. Yours is inside, isn't it? Way inside. I don't even feel it.

Yeah, mine's on the rim. Is there a diet that you can take that stops that from happening? Probably stop eating hemorrhoids. Binding foods. Stop eating broken jacks. Eating things that lodge up inside your anal cavity.

It's binding foods. It's stay away from them or eat a lot of them. I forget what it is. Oh, well, you should probably know. Yeah, but it's one of those two. So rice was in that group.

Binding foods, stay away from them or eat a lot of them. I don't really go by the regimen anymore. But if you do do that, it would help prevent hemorrhoids. Yes. That's what my doctor told me when I got it. That's the 1989 research. Do you eat a lot of salads?

Yeah. Yeah. Does that help at all? I don't know. I feel like it makes you shit more often. Yeah, but if you – doesn't it come out – like when you eat a lot of salads, it comes out really easy. Yeah. Does that help at all? I don't know. I feel like it makes you shit more often. Yeah, but if you, doesn't it come out, like when you eat a lot of salads, it comes out real easy. Woo!

Oh, right. Yeah, that's, I guess, the scraping, the pushing. I used to pray. It was so jagged. It would be so jagged. Chew claim. That I would pray to have it come out, because it hurts so bad. Oh, that's horrible.

That means you're so inflamed in there. Because I just wasn't dumping, because I knew it would be bad, so I was like, let me hold it for another few days. Oh, my God. Days of dumping knew it would be bad. So I was like, let me hold it for another few days. Oh, my God. Days of dumping? It would get compact. You held off from days? Week at a time.

That's insane. I would shit every week. Dude, that is so insane. That's so insane. Yeah. I've never even heard. That's toxic. I guess so.

For sure. You're containing all that stuff in your body. It's supposed to be evacuated. Well, it's in that spot. Whatever. That spot is not rubber. Ituated. Well, it's in that spot. Whatever. That spot is not rubber. It fucking filled up. But it would become too big for my asshole.

Oh, Jesus Christ. So to separate it. It's like your first time doing anal. No, no, no. Doing anal. Stop. Your first time doing anal, you fucked Mandingo. It's like that's pretty much what it was.

My unused asshole. And it was probably all dried up in there, right? Dried up. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Jagged chunks tearing you apart as you shit. what it was my unused asshole and it was probably all dried up in there dried up oh yeah yeah piece jagged chunks tearing you apart as you shit i would have to reach in sometimes and tear it oh you had to do that break it my dog um had to get uh castrated i had to get him yeah johnny i had to get his balls removed because two things one he had an inflated prostate that was pressing up uh against his colon and it was uh making him constipated and he was uh in the in the hospital for uh over a week i had to bring him in

and they had to uh try to figure out how to uh get him to defecate because his defecation it was backed up wow and then they found out the defecation was backed up because he was like he would like go to defecate, but then he wouldn't. He would get on his, he was like bend over and crouch, but he couldn't poop. And I knew there was something wrong. So I brought him in and they found out that it was his prostate was enlarged. And, you know, he's an older male dog. He's like seven now.

And so I got him fixed. So they take his testicles away, which makes the prostate decrease too. And then he got room to shit it out. Yeah, I used to, you know, some people say that, you know, you should get a dog fixed, and it's like, it's healthier and happier for the dog. But I had a veterinarian who didn't agree with that at all. He said it's totally natural for that animal to have its testicles.

He goes, if the dog is, if you don't want him to breed and there's a female around, get the female fixed. And he goes, and if you want to get the dog fixed, you can, but you don't have to get the dog fixed. And he's like, if you're not making your dog a dad, like forcing your dog to breed and make unwanted puppies, if you're not being irresponsible with the dog's sexuality, you don't have to get the dog fixed. Can't you just get it a vasectomy?

Why do you have to cut the balls off? Let it still fuck. Doggy condoms. Yeah, because you don't want that. It's tough to put doggy condoms on every time. You don't want that swelling. It's the swelling that comes from the testicles and the enlargement of the prostate that happens as they get older. And that can be alleviated by castrating the dog.

So do people get that? I don't know. I'm sure they do. Humans? We're like, I'm done fucking. I'm 72. Yeah, just cut my balls off. I'm sure people do. I'm sure they do. Humans were like, I'm done fucking. I'm 72. Yeah, just cut my balls off. I'm sure people do.

I'm sure there's people who've done that. I'm sure there's people who've just been tired of being a prisoner to their cock and balls. And just said, fuck it. You son of a bitch. You run me for the last time. We're done. Hold them in your hand. For sure people have done that.

Cut your own balls off. Oh, yeah. People have done it with rubber vans. The Maori tribe was big into that. That's how you showed might. By cutting your balls off. Cutting your balls off. Oh, yeah. People have done it with rubber vans. The Maori tribe was big into that. That's how you showed might. By cutting your balls off? By cutting your balls off in front of people. Oh, my God. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Yeah. Oh.

That's why they didn't take over the world. Maybe. That can't be true. No, I just made it up. You did? You son of a bitch. I'm sorry, Maoris. Yeah, they're fierce warriors. They know the power of the balls. They wouldn't cut the balls off like that. They do talk to their faces, though. Hey, you guys, what did I tell you about goofing off over there,

about shit and giggling and laughing and distracting? I'm looking at the message board, and people are posting Ari's tweets of his poops. Old ones? You poop? It's been a while. I was just thinking like I have. Take tweets of your poop?

Let's see it. No, no, no. I don't want to show this. Some of the notable ones. Notable ones. Really notable ones. You tweet your poop? I's see it. No, no, no. I don't want to show you. Some of the notable ones. Notable ones. Really notable ones. You tweet your poop? I had ate too many gummy bears, and I pooped, and there was this river of red inside the poop.

It was a mass of poop just running red, but so thick. Do you know you're addicted to sugar, right? Yeah. You know about all that? I do know. It shouldn't be sold in places. You need to stop drinking it and eating it and chewing on it.

But no, we need to get to the source and why is this addictive substance just allowed to be in front of children to make habits out of it? I agree in some ways.

You make laws about cigarettes because they know it's so damaging because you're not supposed to have that until you're 18. Why not sugar? Because it's delicious.

Cigarettes are fun. And you don't want to ruin kids' good time. I guess so. Sugar and candy. Yeah, that's what it is. Because in my day, it wasn't done that way. I'm addicted now.

I'm an addict. You look at an addict. No, you are an addict. I know you are. Yeah. I've seen you chew that candy. Yeah. Eat that gum.

How are you not fat? Good metabolism, and then I watch my weight. He got big for a while. Ari, you lost a bunch of weight at one time, right? Didn't you? How much did you lose? 50 or 60 pounds. 50 or 60 pounds.

That's amazing. Yeah, I was 240. What did you do to lose it? Just ate healthy. Just decide, all right, enough of this. Well, I used to do these personal challenges for myself. Like the first year of college, we got our report card. We got our not online, just gave it to us.

So I see if I could go for a week just leaving it in my pocket with with me without checking it you know you really want to know your grades right just these tests oh i like that yeah i went a week without lying try not to lie at all whoa got thrown out of the department just dude it's so difficult why i mean zero tolerance trucks see it it's just i mean you don't go a day without lying multiple times that's interesting i never even thought of that yeah so i had this problem when i i took the uh journalism entry school you don't go a day without lying multiple times. That's interesting. I never even thought of that. So I had this problem when I took the journalism entry school. You had to take a typing test. It had to be at 25 words a minute.

And I just got back from Israel, so I hadn't really typed much. I was at 21, 22. Took it twice, couldn't get it. So I got my roommate, Shu-Rae Chang, my Asian roommate. And he was like, hey, take the test for me. All they need is my social security number. But I'm like, don't do that good. But he got like, hey, take the test for me. Here's my, all they need is my social security number. But I'm like, don't do that good.

But he'd got like 65 words a minute. Oh God. Yeah. So when I went to register for a journalism class the next year, they're like, hey, how come we just, there's a block. Do you just want to know

why did you go from like 20 words a minute to like 65? And I was like, because I had someone take the test for me. And they're like, what? You were just saying you were fucking around the first me. And they're like, what? You were just saying you were fucking around the first time. And I was like, no, I had someone take the test for me who was better than me.

And they're like, oh, well, you can't ever come to the journalism department. You're out. Forever. Forever. Yeah, try not lying for a week. You silly bitch. Wait, what did I say in the beginning? What was the thing I do for a month? Personal challenges. Yeah, but what was it? Food. Dropping weight. Oh, yeah. So I just saw if I could eat healthy for a week. You silly bitch. Yeah. Wait, what did I say in the beginning? What was the thing I do for a month?

Personal challenges. Yeah, but what was it? Food. Dropping weight. Oh, yeah. So I just saw if I could eat healthy for a week. And I meant like no low in sodium foods too, but I just shatted pounds. Isn't that incredible?

Just eating turkey instead of like, you know, meat, beef. Little things. Just, you know what healthy is. Just eat the healthy stuff. Yeah. You know what that is? Stir fry. Don't be like, whoa, it's got some soy sauce.

Just eat fucking, you know what healthy is. Right. So nonspecific diet. Pizza is healthy stuff. Yeah. You know what that is? Stir fry. Don't be like, whoa, it's got some soy sauce. Just eat fucking, you know what healthy is. Right. So non-specific diet. Pizza is not healthy. Right. You know? Totally non-specific.

You didn't just eat healthy. Yeah, I dropped a shitload of weight. Now, I must have a high metabolism too. Yeah. I do eat a lot of candy. I do eat a lot of junk food. I'll have a nice meal during the day and then at night I'll go nuts.

And what kind of exercise do you do on these days? A lot of walking around. Some hiking. I went on some hike in Phoenix onenix on the a mountain walked all the way up yeah i saw you made an instagram collage yeah man like a real chick does how do you do instagram collages it's a new program it's a new app you just you just it's not even new i mean why are you making collages like chicks because i want to do an Instagram picture, but no one picture. Scrapbooking now, Joe.

Are you scrapping? Yeah. Pick, stitch? What is it called again? Pick, stitch. And then it just makes you like P-I-C-S-T-I-C-H. Oh, okay. Pick, stitch.

You're stitching. Pick, stitch. Yeah, and they have all these different, you can do four pictures all together. Oh, you stitch them together. They have all different templates. That's hilarious templates hilarious you're a girl what happened new york did that to you huh no i did that in switzerland when i was oh yeah i guess i was after uh just outdoorsy stuff hey you know speaking in new york you know new york has its very specific accents right uh-huh have you ever noticed that like tech people have sort of their own accent? Interesting. From speaking the same language all the time.

Yes. The nerd accent? The lisp? There's a thing. There's a kind of tech thing that they do. You know, this, like, sort of Silicon Valley. Yeah, they all talk like the downstairs neighbors from moving on up. It's really cool.

Good times. They all have this weird sort of aspect to the way they talk that's very tech-like. There's a very specific sort of quality. The Jeffersons. The downstairs white neighbor from the Jeffersons. That's how they talk. Yeah. We drove through Palo Alto.

It was a very up, not like up hot pitch, but just uppity. I was listening to these two guys that were tech guys talking about this house that this one guy was buying. And, like, you know, they were talking, like, mortgages and this and interest rates and all this different shit. But they were talking, like, in techie guy accents. And I was, like, thinking. I was, like, I guarantee you these guys are involved in some way in technology. In some way. Or a part of it in some way.

And then they started talking about their job. And they were. And they were, yeah. Yeah, me and Simone Jokupalo Alto, people just look different. They carry themselves differently. Biking around, they're all just different. Well, there's some really fucking smart people up there. Yeah.

Really smart. And the amount of money that it costs to live up there is insane. We zillowed all the houses. We're like, what would it cost to live here? And then just saw. Dude, you see a regular house, and it's $3 million. $2 million, yeah, absolutely zillowed all the houses. We're like, what would it cost to live here? And then just, like, saw. Dude, you see a regular house and it's $3 million. $2 million. Yeah, absolutely. That's a regular house. One-story house.

That's supposed to be $400,000. Yeah. It's not supposed to be $3 million. Like, you're crazy. Yeah. That can't be that much money. That doesn't make any sense. The whole house, all the electricity runs off there like breaths. Anti-tech protesters invade Kevin Rose's San Francisco neighborhood? Kevin Rose

parasite? Who's Kevin Rose? How is he a parasite? Yeah, these people in his neighborhood, they're not fans of Kevin Rose. Who's Kevin Rose? Kevin Rose is the creator of Dig, or one of the creators of Dig. You know, techie guy, revision, all that stuff, screen series. What are they saying? What's their argument

against him? This is the letter. It says, greetings, your neighbor at blah blah blah is a man named Kevin Rose. He's a parasite perhaps not of you but of us. This is why we're here to reveal it for him. And they're saying that he's a partner capitalist at Google Ventures. Kevin directs the flow of

capital from Google into the tech startup bubble that is destroying San Francisco. So it's against technology. The startups that he funds, I can't read this. They make more money? What is it? It's just so blurry. Yeah.

It says... They bring the swarms of young entrepreneurs that have ravaged the landscapes of San Francisco and Oakland. Okay, so it's anti-young smart people that have money. Yes, look at this line though. We are the

ones who serve them coffee, deliver their food, suck their cocks, watch their kids, and mop their floors. Nearly all of them are just like Kevin Rose and we are tired of this miserable situation. Suck their cocks? They put suck their cocks in it? That's hilarious. It is funny. See, even their

fucking protesters are smart. San Francisco is such a great place. Definitely need to figure out a way to keep the diversity. That said, I did agree with them that we need to solve rising rents. See if the San Francisco's are going to crack down on landlords booting folks out. Oh, yeah, they do. Because all the cool neighborhoods, now there's so much money, they're like, well, we can charge more and get rid of...

And so they have those gentrification, which just means white people are here now right um and now it's no like they don't have that degenerate feel anymore of hate of just doing what you want i see it i find it fascinating just as a a natural event like what was the same way you can't find a place in williamsburg to rent it used to to be the thing you did because it was cool, but now rents are too high. Everyone knew where it got out. Isn't that fascinating, though? It's fascinating when things like that happen. When you see a house in San Francisco

and it's $3 million and you go, what the fuck are you talking about? Then you try to figure out, what are you getting out of this $3 million? Location. That's it. That house is not a goddamn $3 million house. And then it'll move to somewhere else because they'll want to go somewhere else. It moves like the way deserts move over high speed of years, a year, a second.

San Francisco's fucking great though, man. It is a great city. It's pretty fucking cool. It's a smart city. The people are cool as fuck. I really appreciate it up there a lot. It is cold. We love seeing everybody with those San Francisco hoodies that they're all buying

because everybody gets there and like, Cali, it'll be warm. It ain't warm. You're right by the ocean. It can be fucking brutal. It's more than that. It's cold. Well, it's the wet. That's all it is because it doesn't get cold like Alaska cold. It gets way colder than Santa Monica. Yeah, it gets

into the 30s. It snowed when I lived there. Wow. They say October's the only warm month. It snowed when I lived there. Wow. They say October's the only warm month. It was only once, but it snowed. Yeah, it gets, you know, even when it's summertime, sometimes it's cold. Yeah, I went for outside lands. It was June or July, and it was like, it warms up a little bit during the day, and then cold. But if you just live like a half hour away, it's a lot warmer. Yeah, Oakland's like 5, 10 degrees warmer.

Yeah, it's weird. San Francisco's just some strange like 5, 10 degrees warmer. Yeah, it's weird. San Francisco is just some strange spot. It's like the valley here, right over the hill. I mean, you drive 15 minutes and it's 25 degrees hotter. Or, yeah, or going the opposite, going to Malibu, 25 degrees cooler. Yeah, it's so nice, yeah. Yeah, Malibu's amazing. I couldn't understand it.

At work, people complain about the heat. I'm like, it was like 80. Like, fuck where you live. Yeah, yeah, you were in Hollywood. It's unbearable. Yeah, you're catching the breeze off the ocean still it's still cooling stuff off yeah that's when i live in west la too it was even closer that breeze off the ocean so nice man the other day um i was coming home from the airport and the traffic was bad so i decided to take uh take the pch i just decided to get off of uh the highway and just take some street roads

i took the pch over near malibu and i I was like, God damn, it's beautiful here. Nice. I always wonder if I could live there, though. You don't think so? Malibu? I think I would have that nonstop thing in my head, like I'm living so close to the ocean, and then one day that earthquake, tsunami thing is going to just tear me up. That's one way to look at it.

But, I mean, look, let's be honest. I slept through both those earthquakes. If the big earthquake happens right now while we're at the studio, we're kind of fucked. Most of the time you're driving away from your house or you're not at home or you're somewhere else. You don't want to be on a cliff. Well, you definitely don't want to be near the water.

You don't want to be near the water. You might want to be on a cliff better than you want to be on the water. Malibu goes inland. Malibu Creek State Park, like a camping area, is beautiful. And just once you get over that first mountain, then it's just wilderness. Unbelievable. Yeah, it's gorgeous. Really beautiful.

Yeah. But I don't know if it's like a convenient place to live. And there's a lot of flaky people that bring their dogs everywhere in Malibu. Oh, really? Is that thing going on where you go to a restaurant and people bring their dogs in? Probably. What's going on? No, there is.

But I know when you walk down the beach, everyone just nods and smiles at each other like, we're doing well, right? You too? Yep, we're here in Malibu. Even if you're just visiting, you're doing great. I'd move to Santa Barbara. That's the good move right there.

Santa Barbara's sweet. Oh, I'm there in Santa Barbara. May 2nd, I'm at the Lobero Theater with Joey Diaz. Yeah, it's far, but it's only an hour from, like, say, if you went from Calabasas, it would take you about an hour. It takes you about an hour to get there. Drive at night, super fast. If you went from LA, you're talking about an hour and a half. Yeah, at night it's great.

But when you go, like, oh, let's go to the beach right now. It's nice out, like, fucking hour 10 from Hollywood. Yeah, May 2nd, Libero Theater. Can I promote a couple of dates? There's a few tickets left, I think. Not much. Santa Barbara, you've never played there, have you? I've played there before.

Me and Duncan and Joey did it last year. Oh, okay. Or two years ago. It used to be one of those runs, those gigs that Noah Gonzalez would have for $150. It's a great town. The town of Santa Barbara is a great town. Drive through the grapevine to get there.

That Montecito. Montecito is incredible. All those old houses, man. Old town Santa Barbara. Yeah. That's all cool. It's dope. That's the beginning of the vineries too.

Refineries? I said vineries, but I think they're not wineries. Oh, wineries or vineries. Whatever they are. Yeah. Just past that, like Solvang. Yeah. That's not too far out after that, right?

How far is Solvang? It's that's a good start going to taste some things. That's not too far out after that, right? How far is Solvang? It's about 30 minutes. Past that? Yeah. That's a nice area, man. I love it up there. You know, San Luis Obispo, you ever go there? Mm-mm.

Small town, like a college town, but it's great. Really cool place. Like Stockton, except the opposite of that. Yeah, it's where Chuck Liddell grew up. Oh, really? Yeah, that's where he went to college. I shouldn't say grew up. I don't know if he grew up there.

But he went to college there. In what? San Luis Obispo. It's about another hour plus past Santa Barbara, along the way to San Francisco, which is a great fucking place. They have a comedy festival there now. San Luis Obispo Comedy Festival.

Really? The Slow Fest. Who did that? Who put that together? I think maybe Christian Spicer, maybe somebody else. It's a small one, but they do it every year. It's been like three or four years. Wow.

They get good comics? Have you done it? Mm-mm. The comics are a little below that. Hmm. That's interesting. And what do they perform? In the theater?

No, I think just gigs around. Okay, they have little clubs or something like that? Yeah, like whoever. A lot of times those festivals, like Portland does that like the venues will be like or austin too they're like we'll let our bar go to use for this right that's a cool idea that's a cool idea if comedy festivals are fun man i mean i just did this one in south beach um and it was comedy central put it together and i'd done it once before with segura and the really cool thing about it though is just the hang with all the other comics

you know Benson was there we hung out with him for a while yeah the hang with the comics I'm doing Just for Laughs again it's the same thing it's like that hotel later

it's like all just us hanging out Moon Tower will be cool for the same reason yeah that's the big part about it it's like comedian's convention yeah and there's nothing to do

no one has a meeting no one has anything yeah so let's all just go to lunch fuck off and have some fun get obliterated late at night and everyone is so it does not matter There's nothing to do. No one has a meeting. No one has anything. So let's all just go to lunch. Fuck off and have some fun. Get obliterated late at night. And everyone is, so it does not matter.

Indeed. Indeed. All right, you fucks. Can I promote a couple dates? Yeah. What do you got? Well, 420, I got my Store 20 show at the Comedy Store. It's a bunch of different things.

Maybe Brian might do a video. It's called Store 20? Store 20. It's daytime. I kept looking at where I'm going to be for 420. I'm like, why not LA? Why not LA? And do it inside during the day? At the Comedy, but yeah. It's called Store 20? Store 20. It's daytime. Oh. I kept looking at where I'm going to be for 420. I'm like, why not LA? Why not LA? And do it inside during the day? At the Comedy Store, yeah.

Oh, I like it. Yeah. Cops are going to infiltrate. Maybe. We're all legal there. And then Edmonton and Minneapolis. Check my website, alreadythegreat.com. And that Storyteller Show is on Tuesday.

Yeah, this Tuesday at the Improv in Hollywood. Yeah. Brian, what do you got going on? And that Storyteller Show is on Tuesday. Yeah, this Tuesday at the Improv in Hollywood. Brian, what do you got going on? April 18th, Portland, Oregon, with Tony Hinchcliffe and Tiffany Haddish at the Funhouse Lounge.

April 19th, Seattle, Washington at the High Line. April 20th, Vancouver at the Edgewater Casino. And then Tuscan and Phoenix at the end of April with Sam Tripoli and Pauly. That's a Northwest comedy tour you have. Yep. What did you say? Tuscan and Phoenix at the end of April with Sam Tripoli and Pauly. That's a Northwest comedy tour you have. Yep. What did you say? Tuscan what? In Tuscan, Arizona.

I'm going to be there with Sam Tripoli and Pauly. And Pauly Shore? You're doing... No, no, no. Pauly Push. The guy that he... Oh, okay. I was like, what?

The Tucson comic. At some place... Have you guys heard of Chili Bombers in Phoenix? No. At some place in Chili Bombers. Okay. DeskWad.tv for those dates. And thanks to our sponsors.

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