The Joe Rogan Experience - #485 - Amy Schumer

Episode Date: April 14, 2014

Amy Schumer is a stand-up comedian, actress, and writer. She currently stars on "Inside Amy Schumer" on Comedy Central.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day Powerful Amy Schumer Hello Can we start every show that you're on like that? With a little song? Please

Powerful Amy Schumer song I would love it Thank you I want to be brought on stage that way Why not? You could do it, you could demand that People have riders I would credit, yeah A that. People have riders. A lot of people have riders.

They put a lot of weird shit in there, like white M&Ms and fucking... I heard I have the cheapest... The guy I've been on the road with said I have the cheapest rider he's ever seen in his life. Really? Yes. Cheapest? Cheapest. What's your rider? What do you require?

It's like, honestly, vegetables and fruit for a smoothie. Some Greek yogurt. It's just like... Beautiful. Perfect. And then wine, which I tell him like, he's like, uh. Beautiful. Perfect. And then wine, which I tell him to hide from me unless I ask for it. What about a pair of white sneakers? I should do that.

Clean. I need like a hip hop. I need a hip hop vibe. I've got nothing. Well, there's some artists that do demand things like that. They demand like, uh, every time I go to one of these places, I always ask the guys backstage, like, what's the craziest shit you've ever seen? Yeah.

Because a lot of these dudes that are like working in these comedy clubs or these, especially these theaters that have seen like rock and roll bands coming through. Right. You always want to know like, what, come on, man. What's the craziest shit you've seen? Just rock and roll coke stories for the most part. That's what everybody has. I mean, I wouldn't repeat the stories because I wouldn't want to get anybody in trouble.

Oh. But they're mostly just coke and naked people stories. The funniest one I ever heard was T.J. Miller. That comic. He asked for either an actual or a picture of a pinata in the green room. So like sometimes the promoter has to like draw the picture of a

pinata. I'm like that's awesome. I wish I've got nothing exciting on there. But until recently there was some mistake where it told drivers not to look at me or not to talk to me. Like something was in there. And in December, I heard that. And I go, oh, my God, that's not supposed to be there. Please take that out.

And they haven't. I just found out they didn't. So it's so. Because I'm always like, why is there such horrible tension in this on this ride? And then they're like, they're like, and I'll talk to them. They're like, oh, you know, it says I'm not. And I'm like, oh, oh my god that's so embarrassing like me being like no don't talk to me i've had that in my rider accidentally as well not even accidentally like it was a conversation

that somebody must have had with someone like you shouldn't talk to him it's like what are you talking about like that's ridiculous yeah i used to be really pained by small talk, actually, like, on the road, because you have so many little interactions. But Colin Quinn, like, really turned me on to small talk. He goes so hard into small talk that, like, people go the other way. It's like an art form to him. One driver at a time, one person who works at a hotel, like, he just, he'll small talk you to death. And it really has, like, sort of changed the road for me. I've had some great drivers. I've had some really, really hilarious dudes.

I had a dude in New Orleans that grew up in New Orleans and had no idea how crazy New Orleans was. Craziest place I've ever been. Yeah, and in comparison to the rest of the country. There's certain things you just get away with in New Orleans. Like walking down the street with an open beer. The cops pulled him over. And he was only a couple hours outside of New Orleans. He said he drove a couple hours. And he's out there with a beer, like sitting there by his car, drinking his beer. And the cop pulls over, and the cop starts asking him questions. And while the cop's talking to him, he puts the one beer down

and cracks open another one oh my god like nothing like nothing starts drinking the second beer and the cop was like are you out of your fucking mind like what are you doing he goes wait a minute the cop goes where are you from and the guy goes new orleans and he's like oh okay yeah listen you can't do that here you can't do that anywhere else yeah you live in a crazy place it's such a cultural i love it there that's my that's also my favorite place. But I've seen the worst stuff there. The worst stuff? The worst.

Violence? The combination of everything bad. And I went to college in Baltimore. Like, not a coincidence that they filmed The Wire there. But in New Orleans, I was like 17. I was there in a volleyball tournament. And I was in a Haagen-Dazs. And I saw these like two guys

straight from the bayou and they were talking, they were both like hitting on this girl and they didn't know that it was a hooker and they didn't know that it was a guy. You know, and I was like 17. I was like, ooh, that's dark. And they were both like celebrating that this hot girl was talking to them and I was like, oh, one of them is about to catch a dick. That's hilarious. Yeah. But I love that city. It's my favorite. A friend of mine once in California, my friend Eddie, we were right by the comedy store,

you know that hotel by the comedy store, that ramp that's going up? Yeah. And this woman was driving up the hill. And my friend Eddie was like, dude, that chick is so fucking hot. Oh, my God. Look how hot that girl is. And she was a transvestite who had, a transsexual,

that had done a piece on the man show with us. And I said, oh, I know her. And I'm like, she's a he. And he's like, no fucking way. I go, well, not anymore, she's not. But she used to be, I guess she still kind of is because she has a penis still. And he was like, what?

Was it a transsexual or a transvestite? Transsexual is someone who has gotten their sex changed. Okay. Transvestite is someone who dresses as a woman. You know, you could be a cross-dresser too. Yeah. It's kind of weird when you define, you know, like what they are. Like what is a person who dresses like a woman?

Would Jim Norton fuck them? But I mean not even if they, I mean not even like a sexual thing. Because if a dress like, I think you could be a transvestite and be completely heterosexual. Like Eddie Izzard, I think, just cross dresses. Or he did anyway, but doesn't, like, is very straight, I think. Right? I don't know. You know, I don't know why he did that.

But it worked, whatever it is. Unstoppable. And it's obviously that he's got talent outside of that. But whatever it is, it worked. He did an amazing thing once where he ran around europe did you ever see that documentary no my respect for him shot through the roof see that annoyed me i don't even know anything about it but him doing that like it makes me feel lazy and right away i'm like you'd have to see it to understand what he did because it was incredibly impressive. I guess it was on the UK on TV,

and it didn't get on TV in America. You've got to watch it on the internet. But he ran, like, every day. He ran a marathon. What? Yeah, he ran all around Europe. It's insane. What he did was insane.

He also does his act like an Arab. He does his act in, like, a bunch of different languages. Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker. It might not be Arabic. Whatever he does it in, he's a bad motherfucker. That guy's amazing. He's like Beyonce. He ran around the fucking...

I mean, he's not an athlete. This is the thing. He didn't do it when he was in shape. He did it when he was fat. He just did it. He just forced his body to do it. He finished a 1,100-mile marathon around Britain. Oh, my God.

Yeah. That looks like a fake headline. I can't believe that. Exactly. So right away, you just respect that? Oh, my God. Yeah. That looks like a fake headline. I can't believe that. Exactly. But so right away you like just respect that because right away I think what are you running from? What are you trying to escape from? And maybe that's my defense mechanism.

But no, I don't think he's escaping or running from anything. He did it all for charity and he had a goal. I'm a monster. He set this goal in his mind and he just decided to try to complete this goal. What was the charity? Jamie, does it say? Yeah, I think Sports Relief. I don't know.

Eddie is finishing. I don't know. I don't know. He looks great there. That might just be a website that sponsored it. There was some aspect of it was related to charity. Oh, his body transformed during the time he did it. He ran a thousand fucking miles.

But he had the most horrendous blisters on his feet i mean his skin was torn apart on his feet just because his body was just so unused to this i mean that's something you try just trying to build up to running a marathon just a marathon is that's a fucking serious physical undertaking i could not do a 3K right now. I'd be like, whatever the charity, I couldn't do it. This guy did a hundred of them. I mean, Jesus Christ. It's sad that I never heard of that. How many did he run? 30 or something like that?

43. 43 marathons? They didn't even put on TV. And were all of them a standard marathon rate of 26 miles? Is that what it is? That's a marathon, right? 26 miles? That's incredible. Is that the YouTube video or a website? No, right? 26 miles? Yeah. That's incredible. Is that the YouTube video or like a website? No, but there is a YouTube video of it.

You can watch the whole thing every step of the way. And there was parts of it where he was running really, really, really, really slow. But he did not fucking quit. It's incredible. Like, you know, you just look at this guy pushing himself. His knees are falling apart. His feet are falling apart. And he just gets up there and he just fucking keeps running.

I just think I can't help it. I'm like, what's he running from? But why is he running from something if he's trying to accomplish something? Well, because I'm projecting. I'm like, why would I do that? Right. Like, you don't want to date anybody that shows up at the gym at 6 a.m. Like, come on.

No, I think being motivated and wanting to take care of yourself is one thing but then i think something that insane i mean if it's to raise money for charity like why don't you do stand up and they'll put that on tv in america because you set a goal set a goal to see if he could pull it off i think we have to agree to disagree because i don't think it's cool and i like him and like i think he's really funny, and so I feel bad if this reaches him. No, look, you've got a point. You've got a point. I mean, why not just ask people to donate the money

or donate the money yourself? You've got a point. No, but I mean, but not like, I mean, of course, then why even have a fundraiser? But I'm just saying, to do that, I don't know. I know zero about it except what you just told me, but right away, that's what I think. But I'm also a jerk.

Here's another optimistic way of looking at it or positive way of looking at it. He's also, on top of what he's doing, he's inspiring people. Not me. Because what he did is an incredible accomplishment. Running 1,100 miles or whatever the fuck you're on. What did it inspire you to do? What did you do? It didn't inspire me to do anything.

It inspired a great feeling in me. Really? I don't even know what the charity is. You just thought like that's amazing. do what did you inspire me to do anything inspired a great feeling in me really no one is fucking i don't even know what the charity is you just you just thought like that's amazing well you just appreciate humans like doing amazing shit and i just i'm like yeah like every year the marathon no but i really like going down to the marathon in new york and like rooting so like everyone's so excited like really emotional but i'm like you know do you give a shit about the olympics when the olympics come around i i not the winter'm like You know Do you give a shit about the Olympics When the Olympics come around?

I Not the Winter Olympics I just cannot give a shit About the Winter Olympics But I like gymnastics I get into some Olympics You know what's the biggest tragedy In all sports?

Is that the Olympics That they don't pay the athletes Oh I thought it was like Stupid amounts of money Nancy Kerrigan being No Those are professional athletes You know the idea That they're amateur athletes Is fucking preposterous The amount of revenue like Nancy Kerrigan being beat. No, those are professional athletes.

You know, the idea that they're amateur athletes is fucking preposterous. The amount of revenue that gets generated by their athletic performances is fucking staggering. Wait, because it's so much? Yes, it's an incredible amount of money. But only a couple of them, right? It's an incredible amount of money that the Olympics itself generates. Oh, and the day game, okay. When people are watching the Olympics, there's fucking millions of people that the olympics itself generates the olympics itself when people are watching the

olympics there's fucking millions of people around the world untold millions watching at the same time and the advertising revenue revenue is stupendous i mean they must make unbelievable amounts of money it costs a lot of money to put it on it's not a free event but the amount of profit that's generated by the olympics must be fucking phenomenal yeah it's not a free event but the amount of profit that's generated by the Olympics must be fucking phenomenal. Yeah, it's an excellent opportunity for young athletes. You know what would be

more excellent? Pay them, bitch. That's so true. Give them some fucking money. These little girls. Not a little money either. A shit ton of money. They throw away

their entire childhoods and then like one of them makes a lot of money and like there's like a dozen girls never getting their period. There should be some so you could watch them getting their period. There should be some. So you could watch them for a week.

There should be some sort of scale, you know, where a certain amount of accomplishment leads to a certain amount of revenue. Yeah. Yeah, because that's the thing. When you're younger, you're like, oh, if you make it to the Olympics, you're just rich. Like I thought it was like Hunger Games and you were like a victor. You just like win so much money.

Right. But really it's like even ballerinas. I'm like, oh, my God, only like a handful of you just like win so much money right but really it's like well even ballerinas i'm like oh my god only like a handful of you make it where you can make a bunch of money and still you're just beating your body to to a pulp but then a lot of them like never even get there and make no money a lot of them right like what's the number i don't um i don't know um I talked to a ballerina last season on my show and she said like if you're starring in a ballet

if you're like the New York ballerina you make like I think under 500 a year and that's the best ballerina but I don't know how much this girl knew do Olympic athletes actually make some money

okay it does say this is the actual numbers the Olympic committee But this, I don't know how much this girl knew. Do Olympic athletes actually make some money? Okay, it does say they do. This is the actual numbers. The Olympic Committee awards cash prizes to Olympians who win a medal. $25,000 for a gold, $15,000 for a silver, and $10,000 for a bronze. But the money is considered earned income abroad and subject to IRX taxation. So when you win an Olympic goldic gold medal you win 25 000 which hey so depressing that's an that's uh you know hey that's a good wage if you're um a fucking burger king employee yeah that's horrible it's unbelievable so what's the hope

that you that you're like the one person that they're like okay now like nike or somebody wants to exactly you'll get sponsored. You'll be sponsored by several different companies. You'll make some money off of that. And maybe you'll be able to do seminars and shit. You get the gold. 25 grand. You get the gold.

I talked to a model also. Those motherfuckers. I was like, what do models make? But the ones at the very top of the game, of course, are making tons of money. But really beautiful chicks that are working models make around that like they make like maybe 50 grand a year from see that's not what i've heard really yeah my buddy's dating this chick who is a model and he's like modeling quotes she's no she's like a real model like she just doesn't advertise in campaigns and she makes sometimes

she makes six thousand dollars a day15,000 in a day. She's made as much as $25,000 in a day just posing. She's not famous. She's young. Yeah. Yeah, she has stupid amounts of money. I think it varies is what I'm trying to say. But even like –

If you're in a big campaign, I think it varies. I know only like three models. But they work and they've gotten a campaign here and there. They are on the runway. And it sounds like once it's like a corporate, like once in a while they'll have a pretty good payday, but it's not consistent. And it didn't sound like that much to me for being that hungry all the time. Well, some of them, isn't it? It's just they can do it naturally.

Like some of them don't have to struggle as much. Like weight have that body shape an ectomorphic body shape like the honestly i've only talked to three models because it's not fun to be around them but uh but they um even if they're like naturally pretty thin they still before doing that stuff had to do liquid stuff and what's the thing where you shoot saline in your butthole? You shoot saline? Oh, that thing. What the fuck

are you talking about? Oh, an enema. They have to do something like enemas. Oh, I thought it was like a treatment or something. That thing you do before you make me do

before the show. What? Shut up. I don't think this place seems that clean. It's clean. Trust me. It looks rustic.

No, I love doing his podcast but he's always giving me enemas right before. It's so weird. I trust him. I don't want you to have to shit in the middle of the broadcast and ruin what I know is going to be the best podcast ever. All right. I guess you're right. Let's pull through this, Amy Schumer.

You're right. Enemas. Where were we? Oh, models. What the fuck is it about anybody? Like, why would anybody get really hung up on the idea of incredibly skinny people wearing their clothes? I don't know, but it looks good. But what I've heard is that it's like a hanger. That's the idea that you want them almost built like a hanger. Well, I just had a fitting today and it was like, um, with someone who knew what they were doing, which I haven i haven't had that much of you know and she told me that it's all about proportion because like a lot

of people they think that i'm like actually bigger than i am like people i'm a size six and people i don't know what that means um like bigger than a four smaller than eight okay anyway but um but then like they've been like but i like, there's some websites or whatever. Because you can, like, be, like, what's her bra size or what's her size. Oh, come on. Really? People will be, like, yeah. I think there's, like, websites that say I'm, like, a 12 or something, but whatever.

But anyway, it's all about proportion and not really about how big or small somebody actually is. But these models that, like, do the best that the clothes look the best, it is like a hanger. They're, like, basically frail up here. And it and it looks but clothes look all clothes look dope on them but there's only like a very small amount of of chicks that you can you can work with i think there's also a very different feeling that a woman has when she looks at another woman than a man has when he looks at a woman as far as like what looks good and what doesn't look good. There's a lot of things that girls do that other girls think look good. Like there's certain ways that they'll dress or certain things that they'll buy, purses and shit especially, that's really to impress other girls.

Like you cannot impress a guy with a purse, but women are like really, some of them are like really into purses to impress each other with. Yeah. Shoes. I don't, like shoes, purses, jewelry each other yeah i don't like shoes purses jewelry i know nothing i don't have that like i'm missing that good for you it's probably funny i'm just like no it's i mean but i think i can be like oh that girl like looks great but i don't even aspire to try it because it seems so out of my out of my range um but i can look at a girl and be like, wow, she's beautiful. But I'm not like,

Ooh, like, let me, I wonder what she looks like naked, you know, obviously. Cause I'm not attracted to girls. I sound like I'm like defending myself, but, um, but it's so weird to me, but I understand it. Cause I feel when someone's really thin, like all the things that we want to do naturally, like eat and fuck and everything. We like celebrate people that are able to abstain the most from that. Like, oh, like, like, oh, God, she really knows how to starve herself. Like, yeah, like she's just we sort of like celebrate people just keeping themselves from biology. That's a big one for women, too. Right. The ability to abstain.

It's very, it's like, it's a badge of courage or something. I don't know, I can't do it. It's an admirable, there's nothing wrong, well, why should you? It's out of my wheelhouse. The idea that we're supposed to is so crazy. The only problem with women is, of course, that there's so many guys that are pieces of shit. And the men are more dangerous in their, physically, in the pieces of shit that you run into. Yeah. Whereas women are more dangerous, maybe financially, in the pieces of shit. The men are more dangerous physically in the pieces of shit that you run into,

whereas women are more dangerous maybe financially in the pieces of shit that you run into. What do you mean? Well, you know, if a guy gets fucked over, usually guys get fucked over

in a financial way, like divorces or they get set up. I've seen guys get set up and it's very disturbing. I don't know any guy with any money. I seriously have never even dated a guy with a dollar.

I've met guys where I watched them go down. I saw it happening. They were not attractive. They were uncomfortable with women, and they had all of a sudden this really hot girl with them who slowly but surely stalks her way in this position and then bails with a ton of cash. But then how, like, isn't that transparent?

Don't these guys that are 80, aren't they curious, like, why this beautiful Kate Upton lookalike, like, is in love with them? It's because they're successful. I'm suspicious of any guy who's better looking than me that wants to sleep with me. I'm like, why? Like, what do you think I can do for you? Show you I'm not gay, I'm Schumer.

But don't you wonder, and I know a lot of, I know not a lot, but I know a handful of women that had guys take their money. Because I think women are even more susceptible to like just wanting that love and being like, sure, joint checking. I'll buy a house in our name. Well, I don't think it's mutually exclusive. I mean, you can get ripped off no matter what your sex is, whether it be your sexual preference. I'm sure gay guys rip each other off and gay women rip each other off.

As a matter of fact, I know they do. I'm so like... I know a gay woman who has to pay alimony. My great-grandma was a bootlegger and she was always like... Yeah, her liquor store is still on 54th Street, Schumer's Liquors. Wow.

54th Street where? In between Park and Lex. Really? Yeah, it's right across from Monkey Bar. That is fucking awesome. What a great story. Yeah, but she was just pounding it in my head because I think her husband tried to steal money from her,

but she put it away. She's always like, save your money. Good for her. Yeah. You know, it can happen. I mean, you get with the wrong person, the wrong guy, the wrong girl, whatever. That can definitely happen.

I'm so sensitive to like- But I think that happens more with men. Men tend to be the ones who have more money in their relationships. Well, yeah. I'm not saying that women- What do they make? 70? I don't know what it is.

But whatever it is, I'm not saying that women can't make money. Don't jump down my throat. I'm just- No, I'm not. I'm not saying you. I'm saying people out there on the internet. I wish that I've ever dated a guy and had anything for me to steal. Yeah.

I make a good amount of money now, you know? Yeah, now it's tough. So it's weird. Like, yeah, because guys are just like, eh. You have to start dating athletes. Oh, shit. Pass. Pass.

Black ones, too. First of all, I cannot pretend to be interested. In what? Basketball? In any. I like going to games, but I can't,, I don't ever want to be like wearing a jersey and being like, they're going to win. I just don't want to do that.

Once they slip you that giant athlete dick. Do you know I still haven't been with a black guy? There you go. Isn't that pathetic? Like I said, once they slip you. Right, maybe I'm scared I'll be under the trance. You will. You'll be dancing.

You'll change. Oh my God. You'll change. You'll start wearing beads and shit. I'll wear a jersey as a dress with a belt. Big hoop earrings. You'll be dancing. You'll change. Oh, my God. You'll change. You'll start wearing beads and shit. I'll wear a jersey as a dress with a belt, big hoop earrings. You go hardcore. I'm on a VH1 reality show, like, fighting with other chicks. No, you'll avoid that.

You'll be fine. I don't think so. You're not going to change your personality entirely. You're just going to crave the black dick. No. You know, I had one encounter with a huge dick, and I talked about it my um my last special i i tapped out i was like no way well maybe the dude didn't know how to use it he was assaulting you with it i mean how many ways are there to use it listen don't you just go like i don't think about it really when it's that big like what are you supposed to do

you just have to like... Stretch out your vagina. Yeah, I was like, I'm not... We're not going to have a life together. I'm not going to power through this. Well, how about powering through? How about you change your shape? How about stretches out? Just like when a woman has children, her breasts stretch out and then deflate. Imagine?

No. If you're having sex with that guy on a regular. Plus, he's a super athlete. He's probably constantly horny. Oh my God. No. Are athletes known as being more horny? Oh yeah, for sure guy on a regular. Plus, he's a super athlete. He's probably constantly horny. Oh, my God. No. Are athletes known as being more horny? Oh, yeah, for sure.

Maybe I shouldn't do that. Without a doubt. For real? Are you kidding me? Any, yeah, I would imagine. I'm never in a relationship where it's like I have the same sexual appetite as the guy I'm dating. It's either like they are like wanting it too much or it's me wanting it too much. Like it's, I've never really had it even out. Have you? Yeah. Yeah? Where it's me wanting it too much like it's i've never really had it even out

have you yeah yeah where it's been like yeah that's good that's encouraging yeah i mean it definitely happens it's i think it's way harder for a chick i mean i'm just guessing no obviously i think so because it's if if but i don't know if like if your girl is like no not tonight does it it hurt your feelings? Are you like, what's wrong with me? Or you're just like, uh. No. Or she's tired.

Or doesn't want to or whatever. Yeah, but also you've been, you know. If you're with somebody for a long time, it's different. I don't think there's any reason why, you know, two people can't figure out that they're not sexually compatible. And if you start dating each other and you get to a point where you're spending a lot of time together and then you hit that thing, look, I don't want it.

Whoa, okay. We've got to figure out what's important here because there's a bunch of shit that's important here. The big important one is caring about each other and having a good time together. That's the number one, right? Yeah, being buddies. That's number one. But number two is you like to fuck each other and if you don't put it at number two what are you putting at number two yeah what is there what's

number two financial security i mean what is it uh coexisting interest no i have almost nothing co-interest with my wife there's not one thing that she likes, except a few TV shows and some art things. But all of her hobbies, things that she enjoys, they're just her things. And then we hang out and we have fun together. You don't have to have the same mutual desires. You don't have to be into the same sports. I've actually heard guys say that they would never date a girl that doesn't watch sports. Because the last thing you want is her complaining when you're watching sports.

Fuck that. She doesn't watch sports. I don't want to date them. Yeah. I have a scene on my show tomorrow night about that. Oh, really? I'm not trying to work it in. That's awesome.

It's called Chick Who Can Hang. And I just want to tell you about it. But it's guys sitting around. They're like, I just want a girl. Like, oh,'s guys sitting around they're like I just want a girl like this girl Joey she had like a lantern jaw she does my fantasy pics and then you realize they're just describing

dudes but I mean I know girls that are real into sports but the difference is I don't care about sports at all but I'm not i'm i don't i don't care about sports at all but i'm not like and i don't want you to like i'm busy and i'm psyched to do my thing and i have my interests and like please do you i saw a tweet once where a girl said that girls who are into

football get bigger diamonds it was like one of those twitter pictures and like a bunch of people like retweeted it and i think it was like a girl with like a sexy football outfit on or something you know that's so awful and i feel like that's like the image of that's like what girls see and even i've been going because um the nba is like a big part of this movie that i'm gonna do oh shit what did i say amy gonna get some black dick for the first time. Shit. I don't even know if I was allowed to say that. Oh, don't say it.

It didn't happen. But anyway. Nobody remembers on the internet. But anyway, like, you know, seeing these, just seeing the way women are represented on TV, like all these Real Housewives, like just no one's doing, even if they're like, oh, we had like this luncheon for charity, good, whatever. The thing that's getting edited and what we're seeing is you guys being monsters. And these shows, this is what girls are seeing.

I don't have any jewelry. I don't know. The girls that I'm close to, no one cares about a handbag. No one gives a shit. But that's not the girls that you see on television. They're all comics. Where are these girls? Oh, see, they're all. They might as well be dudes. It's Rachel you know yeah well you're all a bunch of artists you're all trying to be

comedians if you if a comic like all of a sudden became incredibly obsessed with keeping like an upstanding or attractive appearance that would like immediately preclude a lot of the comedy yeah you know because you wouldn't you wouldn't be relaxed at all you'd be like such a you're you're inciting like a look a way of someone looking at you like look at her with their bag hmm what that dress probably cost a lot of money i can't believe that people care about that stuff and it's not that i think i'm better than that it's honestly insane to me it's it's insane to me that anybody would put value on like just that's it's so transparent like look this is expensive i like i just i think that's i think you're totally right but let's play devil's advocate yeah what if you are just really into beautifully crafted things

whether it's a watch or whether it's a car whether it's a purse isn't impossible that it couldn't that i i see that a lot of people, I believe you're right, a lot of people, they're watching that stuff and they're looking at different people that have different things and they want to show off. They want to show everybody that they've got the purse that costs X or the shoes that cost Y or, oh, my God, look at the size of the rock she's got. There are certainly people that do that.

But isn't it possible that there's other people that could just enjoy a beautiful purse or enjoy a beautiful home? I also haven't seen that. I don't know anyone with really expensive stuff. So if someone was like, look at this watch. It costs $20,000. I've never seen that. And maybe I'd be like, wow, that's amazing.

I'm about comfort and I like traveling. My bed is expensive. I like things that sort of lend themselves to experience. But I haven't seen... But you know what? If you have so much money and you're like, oh, I want to get this beautiful thing. I understand that. But I do know a lot of dudes that are posting pictures of their possessions they got.

On Instagram? Yeah. And I'm like... Yeah. It makes me like, oh, come on. Like, you don't have to do that. Well, some dudes have to. But why?

What does that mean? Well, they don't have to. Of course, they don't have to. But it's rappers. It's like rappers are like, I got this. You know, and obviously, I actually love hip hop, but that was the lyric I just went to. I've got this. Like, I don't, that's obviously not what they say.

But it's, you know, it's like a lot of it is like about. About how much you have. Yeah. Showing your shit off, going on the dub magazine cover with six cars and. Yeah. Yeah. Of course.

That's part of that culture. So I think that's what, that's where that comes from. It's like attached to just ego and just like alpha. Well, it's also a culture that's rebounding from periods of extreme like slavery extreme poverty like there's generation after generation of of negative things the racism the riots the the the civil rights movement like all those things are so recent it's hard for us to even wrap our heads it's so recent it's humiliating we're so white too it's you know we don't we don't feel it but i have friends that are

half black half white i have friends that are black i've seen the differences in how people react to them and it's fascinating to watch yeah you know like big dark black dudes get treated with fear everywhere they go it's hilarious i that that really is upsetting i i i never really paid that much attention to it because like a couple of my best friends growing up were black now they're white no they were black and like i never really thought about it until like going on auditions because the sign-in sheet would be like for the whatever susan and i sign in and then it's like drug dealer and then it's just like these black guys are coming in they're like signing in and i'm like oh man like this is just what what society

has done they're like this is how we see you like these guys were great actors it's like these listen amy someone's got to play the drug dealer wouldn't you want to be a great actor you want to be some real drug dealer what the fuck are you trying to say you liberal bitch no we had this last season on the show we had a guy he was a mugger and then in the scene it was called skip therapy and it's a really funny scene it's like um and kyle dunnigan the comic is in it This last season on the show, we had a guy, he was a mugger. And in the scene, it was called Skip Therapy. And it's a really funny scene. It's like, and Kyle Dunnigan, the comic is in it. And this guy like steals my bag.

And we needed it to be a stunt guy. But I forgot that. So the guy came, he was this great stunt guy. His name's actually Muhammad Ali. Wow, that's his actual name? It wasn't him, but that's his name. And he came and I was like, we cast this black guy as the mugger? Like, are you serious?

They were like, no, he's really great at martial arts and stunts and stuff. The best is when you have a white mugger that doesn't look like a mugger at all. Yeah, and you're like, oh, God, I hate when shows do that. Was that on Seinfeld? Like, there's some shows where the guy steals the purse and you're like, oh, my God. Never has this guy even run before. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, I don't think we could ever even wrap our heads around what it would be like to be discriminated against solely basic, you know, just completely based on the way you look and to have it feel like that's insurmountable.

And then once you do make it and you, you know, you get big, I could see all the braggadocious behavior being like exuberant. Exuberant. Oh, I was thinking of that. That's not a word i made it up but it sounds good though what do you get people people look at me but just getting on stage you know just like my first whatever like 10 years i feel like it was like it's like this bitch like i look like i'm gonna be a dumb bitch. I know that. You're so crazy. You do not look dumb. I look like I'm going to be a dumb bitch. Yes, I do.

Are you saying dumb bitch meaning just a woman? Just like a dumb white woman. You think you'd look dumb? I think I look like I've... If I saw me in a mall, I'd be like, ugh. If I saw me in like a mall, I'd be like, ugh. Don't you ever like, don't you ever. Oh my God, that's so funny. I mean, like, well, people have known who you are for so long.

But do you, like, how did people like. I look like a meathead for sure. Yeah, if I just like passed you, I'd be like. But I have a lot of meathead tendencies. It's like, it's a rational prejudice to i have a lot of meathead tendencies it's like it's a rational uh prejudice to think of me as a meathead i mean i'm a fucking cage fighting commentator for god's sake right and i am a dumb bitch and i'm a dumb bitch too i consider myself a silly bitch yeah but i mean there's but the problem is that we have this idea that everyone's so different and then these people

that are so different can't be friends like i have friends that don't work out ever i mean brian is my friend brian has like just started working out after like four years he started working out and he smokes cigarettes constantly he's totally unhealthy i mean he just stops like he's not like well my point is like i'm not like i it's not like i can't hang out with other people that don't fucking live weights and like to watch fighting like i don't even think with other people that don't fucking lift weights and like to watch fighting. I don't even think of you like that. I mean, like, I know you're in shape and whatever, but that's not, but I mean, I've also spoken to you, but I don't know if I just like walk past you. I don't, I think it's just, it's easy to pigeonhole people.

And I think there's a lot of us that are a combination of things. And that's the people that are most fascinating to me. When I meet someone and I think that they're, you know, I prejudge for whatever reason and think, oh, this person's probably this. And then it turns out that they're like a combination of things that I've never even met before. Those are the greatest when you meet someone that doesn't fall in any category. And you get to go, oh, I have misconceptions. And then like this person is just a unique individual, completely on their own little trip and cool to see. And then that runs into your

database and now your spectrum sort of broadens a little bit your ideas that's one of the things that i think one of the reasons why people get in like so many shit relationships because their spectrum is like super narrow they've only had like a narrow band of people and the type of experiences have been like really similar and negative over and over again. But other than it just being a specific like type, you know, socioeconomic, that kind of stuff. Don't you think it's just like those patterns that were set up just real early on just from young shit? It definitely can be for sure. You also get it from your parents, I think, plus and minus. I think some people see their parents involved in like like, really negative relationships, and they completely change their gears.

And they just reject it, like, from the jump. And then they don't take any shit from anybody. They don't let anybody fucking turn them into a doormat. Totally. It's either or. Yeah, it's either or sometimes. Yeah, yeah. I do the former.

Of course. That's where you're coming. I'm like, oh, my God, you can't give me the love I need, and you're a comic. I'm like, oh my God, you can't give me the love I need and you're a narcissist? I'm like, come here, come here, come here. I'm like. Yeah, comics, that's part of the whole reason why we became comics is because we had a hole. Yeah. We were trying to shove some funny in there, stuff up that hole.

Yep. And anybody who doesn't have that hole, guess what? Guess what? You're not funny. Fuck you. Go run 90 marathons. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

I respect what you did, Eddie. Yeah. I think it was only 46 too. Let's not give him more credit than he's due. Anybody can do 46. Oh my God. Yeah. I think you can't be a comic

unless you're unbalanced. But I think somewhere along the line, you can be balanced. At least I like to believe so. That you can balance it out. You can? Yeah, you can right the ship. You just got to figure out what are your needs as far as your psychological needs and how do you meet those? How do you maintain a good psychological existence?

Yeah, I feel like I'm getting healthier. Yeah? I hope. Do you feel like that because you're more successful so you're more relaxed too? That's got to benefit you a bit. I am more relaxed,

but I don't, but it's just, yeah, I'm just like less stressed by some things, but I am having like sort of more pressure on me. But I think it's just like, showbiz pressure.

Yeah, but I think it's just like taking a step back and keeping the people close to you that will tell you like that was stupid or like you look like dog shit. Just people who keep it real. So I have like people I trust. And you keep it real for yourself too.

I mean you can tell you're constantly questioning things. And do you worry about that though? Because that is an issue with a lot of people. People worry about becoming famous and then all of a sudden going cuckoo. Because we've kind of seen it. Yeah, definitely. I do worry about, because you get so, like every day, I feel like somebody slaps you in the face.

The way I started going out on the road was on the last Comic Standing Tour, and we had to do meet and greets after every show. And sometimes it was like an arena. It would be like 3,000 people, however many would wait. And they voted for some people. So some would come over to me and be like, my husband likes you. But I don't. So I just like got used to it. And it was like 40 cities or something.

And I just got used to like this defense that's just like built into me now. So I'm like, I've been like trying to break down. Forget my childhood insecurities. Like what happened just the first times I went out on the road. So I'm afraid my defenses got so built up that i had to really like break them down so that i could sort of let the right ones in but i am afraid that my defenses will get too strong because you'll see like really famous people that are like your idols or comics you love and you meet them and they're so disappointing because they're so withholding and it's like you're like yeah it's probably because

they've been wronged by so many interactions but you still can't let that happen to you and so i that is something that i am aware of and i i don't want to let happen to me because i am i am like you know afraid of of somebody saying something or like hurting me or trying to take too much and you know what i think about it with Louis, Louis C.K. When I first was interacting with him, he was kind of standoffish with me. And he should have been because I'm sure I wanted something from him. You know, just being a newer comic, you see someone. And you know at the clubs, you just have this urgency as a comic. And you don someone and you know at the clubs you just have this urgency

as a comic and you don't know what to do. No one can tell you this is what you do to be a better comic. This is what you do to get work. Even if they tell you just get on stage as much as possible. You can't hear it. So Louis being so guarded with me, he should have been. And now we have a very nice

rapport and it's always good to see him and we talk and I kind of resented him a little bit for being being cold to me at first but i'm like he's but i'm like he should have been because i'm sure i didn't even know what i wanted from him but i'm sure i wanted something from him so i get it but but also like you were saying before around the air like just you know somebody people project stuff onto you if they have like an interaction that's less than satisfactory but it's not about you like you can't change how anybody feels about you so but i'm whatever my long rant my point is just like i'm trying not to become an asshole and to give people the benefit of the doubt at least like i'll go into every interaction like hi and then if they say something

to me that shuts me down then that's know, at least I went into it open. Right. I feel what you're saying. And I think that that concern is a good thing to have. And it's cool that you're thinking like that because we all need to learn from the people that we've seen that have disappointed us. Yeah. People that we've seen that, you know, just for whatever reason, someone became a prick because they became famous. Yeah. That's happened to a lot of comedians. I've seen it. I've seen it, you know, just for whatever reason, someone became a prick because they became famous. Yeah.

And that's happened to a lot of comedians. I've seen it. I've seen it. And they stop being funny, too. There's another weird thing that happens. Yes. They get a little too famous, too much adulation, too much, you know, they have a sitcom or something like that. And then, er, they're fucking.

Or they want credit for, like, their new art they're doing. Like, look, I know I was funny at one point, but now I play the standing bass. And like, if you want to come see me, that's what you're going to get. And it's like... Who does that? Well, I mean, like, it's not the standing bass, but I'm just saying, I think,

because I even will have those impulses, like, I don't want to be funny right now. Just, you know, but you're like, but then I'm like'm like bitch that's how people know you but wait a minute wait why don't you need a podcast that's what you need you always say that to me amy schumer you need a goddamn podcast because you could first of all you're really good at it you're very smart you're very articulate you'd be fascinating you're breaking things down but all those misconceptions would go away if people got to listen to you talk

then you wouldn't worry about if people knew you because you would put it out there. So many times they would be like real clear. But I'm not that worried about if people know me. Right. But, well, okay, I see your point. You're not really worried that people know you, but your interactions, you're worried about your interactions with people. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. You just want to make sure that they're as good as possible. I want to, like, know that I did my, my best, and that I was open having a nice interaction, and,

and, and making small talk and whatever. Um, uh, I don't, I don't know what I want. But, you know,

we're talking about, like, you, you were saying You worry about Getting detached You worry about Becoming one of those people That's kind of

That gets goofy Yes One of the best ways To avoid that Keeps you like grounded 100% Because you get feedback All the time

Yeah You constantly get Updated and checked You constantly get But I don't But what's the feedback Good for I mean and I'm on Twitter

I'm sorry No I'm on Twitter And I do think you're right though But then, I don't think it's good to reinforce positive, negative feedback. Like someone will, you know, write, you know, like you're disgusting and then you look and it's like, oh, they write to famous people all day. Yeah. You just block them. You don't have to interact with them. I just like, I would never reward like that. Well, it's, you don't, that's what I'm talking about. I mean, sometimes people will have valid opinions about what you're doing. Yeah.

Whether it's stand up or whether it's a podcast or whether it's the fucking upright tuba or whatever you're doing. Everybody. Upright tuba. Whatever it is. That's really funny. Everybody has, you know, they're going to have opinions. You're going to have opinions on everything you do.

Yeah. But sometimes having those opinions, like if they're mostly swinging to the right side yeah they're mostly swinging to the good side it gives you sort of a frequency that you're you you know that they appreciate it you like tapped into this thing like people love the amy schumer show boom inside amy schumer on comedy central now amy has a blog you know hey watch Amy do videos I'm gonna go do laundry you know like you you're you tap into you tap into uh a certain vibe when you you get a certain amount of feedback yeah I and I feel like as a comic you know there's that urge to communicate yeah which I have but then there's also I think also as a girl as a bunch of things

and I and I talk like very openly and then some of that feedback it makes you like oh should I not be sharing this much of myself because but then you're like I'm like no I've made a decision like I'm gonna live my life this way and try to make people laugh and maybe feel better right but then like that sometimes that's met with where you're like is it worth it because this is so hard sometimes and and i'm not just like scared of somebody saying something mean to me like it's also people not respecting your boundaries and and it is you know it it's it's like a struggle and it is like you know i i do have to like kind of work and be aware of not becoming like real standoffish.

Right. Well, you're not really capable of filtering who knows you once you become famous. And that's a big difference between that and just being an ordinary person going about your day, especially an ordinary woman going about your day. Because so many men, like with women, take on an aggressive approach. It's almost like, it's almost commonplace, right? The guy just aggressively comes up to girls and hits on them. Women are just as aggressive, I find. Sometimes, but it doesn't come with the physical threat that it feels like with a man.

Like if a chick's aggressive with me, I'm always like, okay, it's a crazy bitch. I got to get out of here. But I don't, I go, oh my God, what if she follows me to my car? That is true. There is the added fun bonus of like, oh, this guy might try and sexually assault me. Might try to rape you. Yeah.

I mean, that's less fearful when you're a man. I mean, you always can worry about someone doing something to you. To be honest with you, it's a real bummer to know that you could be sexually assaulted i couldn't even i mean i can imagine but i couldn't you know it's like i couldn't imagine i also couldn't imagine being pregnant there's a lot of things i could pretend to imagine but i really can't imagine them i can't imagine not drinking for nine months imagine not drinking for nine months i'm like wow that's my eddie is her marathon i'm like what i'm like can you just have a press conference i have a couple of questions you know people drank while they were pregnant for years and some of the greatest people that were ever created were

created by people who drank my mom always says that she drank through all four pregnancies but i only have two siblings no i'm just kidding, I think you're allowed to have a little wine. I think like a small glass of wine is actually good for your body and it relaxes you. Right, but I hear that and then I would be like, how about a bottle? This baby wants an Ambien.

This baby wants to get fucking fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. I'm probably barren. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I bet you're not. Find one of them black athletes when you're doing that show. No way.. I'm probably barren. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I bet you're not.

Find one of them black athletes when you're doing that show. No way. Get some of that super sperm. I can't. Squirt. You'll have twins before you even know it. Like, oh my God. What if I went from, what if a year from now I come back and I'm like, I've got twins.

I've got little half black babies. And you're like, the crazy thing is all I did was jerk him off. It's nuts. He came all over my tits. I'm like, you did this. The next thing I know I was did was jerk him off. It's nuts. He came all over my tits, and the next thing I know, I was pregnant. I was adamant. I don't want kids. I take you to court for alimony. You don't need any money. They ran through the lines

in your crotch like fire ants. This sperm, they're different. They move. They swim different They move They swim They swim on land Is this the beginning Of an ad for Onnit? Yeah

They're flopping around Like those fish Those snake fish That come out What are those Snakehead fish That come out of water And they walk on the land

Until they find some new water Ursula from The Little Mermaid? No a real fish Oh sorry God damn it Have you ever seen that? I saw the movie Piranha In 3D

Did you really? I didn't know It was Piranha in 3D. Did you really? I didn't know it was going to be 3D, so I was so psyched. When they gave us the glasses, I was like, what? It was one of the best surprises of my whole life. I used to have piranhas, allegedly. What? Yeah. I had a bunch of them.

I used to feed them goldfish, allegedly. This is all fiction. Is it illegal to have? Yes. Really? This was many decades ago. Why? Why is it illegal? Because... Yes. Really? This was many decades ago. Why? Why is it illegal?

Because they're dangerous or what? Yeah. You could send them into... If you were an asshole, you could put them in a lake somewhere and they'd go in the non-native waters and they would wreak havoc. And that's happened to a bunch of different fish species. I think the snakehead was one of them, actually. If it's not the snakehead, it's a different fish.

There's a walking fish. Is that it? Ew. Oh, my God. I don't need to invade new york city people threw them some people threw these fish in the uh pond that's in central park as because they thought it was funny and so now these things are living in the pond and just destroying everything when i was there i saw some fish some big giant fish, attack something else in the water. Just this big froth of water. And then whatever it happened, you know, happened. In what water was it?

There's a pond in Central Park. You know that big pond? Yeah. In that water, there's some crazy-ass fish. This is in Central Park. Yeah, monster fish in Central Park. Does it attack anything or can you just see it? Yeah, you can't see much of it.

Oh, that's it right there. You barely can see it. Yeah, that's a snakehead fish. Somebody just put it in that pond. Those things eat ducks. They'll eat anything. Oh, my God. They're, like, super hardy, too. Like, once you get them in an ecosystem,

you have to essentially kill everything in that lake to get them all out. What do they do? They just fish? They just wreak havoc, eat everything, and then become cannibals. Ew. I'm already so afraid all the time. It says if you see this fish,

see a terrifying fish with teeth and sense of power, kill it immediately. It's too late. The problem is these things are just shooting out eggs and sperm and breeding like crazy. This is like Predator. Remember that movie Predator? Yeah.

If Predator landed and just started killing all the people, that's what it's like for that thing. That thing going into the pond in Central Park, it's like, woo-hoo, let the party begin. That is such a bummer. There's lions. A lion just got let into the fucking zebra cage at the zoo. That's what it's like. Oh, I was like, that happened? Well, it could happen. That's what's happening with this zoo. That's what it's like. Oh, I was like, that happened? Well, it could happen.

That's what's happening with this fish. It's just, that's what it's like. A super predator just got introduced into this humble ecosystem. That's really depressing. We're about to film on that pond. Well, you might watch murder behind you. Fish murder. Nah.

Oh, my God. But the fish is like the worst thing you could ever see for a creationist. The fish walking on the ground and walking to the next pond. Because if you're a creationist and you see that, you go, oh, but. Yeah, but I mean, don't creationists do that all day, looking at everything? Yes. With denial? Yeah.

Yeah, but this is one of the most preposterous things ever. Have you ever seen one of these things walk? No, I'm so grossed out just by seeing its mouth. Fish walks. Every time I come here, I leave upset because of the videos. There's a documentary from the Congo. The guy that got fucked by the horse? Did I show that? Yes.

Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. You're welcome. This is nothing nearly as disturbing, but there's a video in the Congo where I think it's prehistoric fish eaten by dinosaur bird. That's what it says. There's this crazy bird called a shoebill.

And the shoebill is like five feet tall with an enormous beak. Its beak is like a giant hatchet. Yeah. Its beak is literally like an axe on its face. It's a huge beak. And this bird is something out of another era. There used to be birds like that. They're like seven feet tall that lived in North America.

And they don't fly. They just sort of run around and attack things. They're predatory birds. Then why is it a bird? Like a penguin. Penguins don't fly either. Penguins don't fly and they're like, look, we're birds. Yeah, we're birds, bitch.

Please do not fuck with us. Did you see that dinosaur 3D movie that's available right now on Netflix? I did not see it. Is it good? It's really good. It's my first time. It's a little kid movie? No, it's not animated.

And there aren't that many dinosaurs in it, but it's really worth it. Well, this is a different thing. Yeah. So this is not the dinosaur movie. It's called Donald Sutherland. That's the dad. He narrates it, and it's really good. I obviously am psyched by Three Day Buds.

Oh, so it's a recreation of what they looked like? Yeah. And they come at your head. Yeah, and it ends, spoiler, with a big... It's not a pterodactyl, but it kind of looks like an ostrich. It just looks like some sort of prehistoric sort of evolving bird that's so awesome. Ostrich is another good example of a bird that doesn't really fly, right? They don't fly.

They don't do shit. They fuck you up. They'll kick the shit out of you. They fuck you. I saw that video. They try to fuck people? Why do I think I've talked about this in here before? I remember being real traumatized by seeing a guy laying there blindfolded,

and he doesn't know what's fucking him, and it's an ostrich. Well, that's not me. You never that no who would i by the time that happened i'd already given up on watching people get fucked by animals there was a certain time that joe i'll tell you right now i'm done there was a certain time a few years back where if you said hey here's a link a guy's getting fucked by an ostrich you're clicking on on it? I would click it, but not today. Really? I would be like, again, whatever. I want to call your bluff so bad. You wouldn't call my bluff because honestly- I don't know where it is.

I don't need- If it was something absolutely fantastic where no one had ever seen anything like it before, then I'll click on it. But I don't watch some dude get fucked by an animal. No. Done. Pass. D-U-M.

Done. Don't even try it. Something like that starts a fucking pinwheel in your head. Yeah. Starts spinning around. I don't like that. Like, how did this guy ever get to that point? What did he start out as?

He used to be a baby one time. What did his parents do to him? Was he sexually abused? That's me watching any porn. Yeah, well, that's a problem. I mean, I'll power through it, but still. Well, I always look at it and go, well, I'm going to fix him now. Yeah, well, that's a problem. I mean, I'll power through it, but still. Well, I always look at it and go,

well, I'm going to fix them now. Yeah. Too late. Unless it's with some dick. God has a plan. Yeah, you can't fix them, unfortunately, but that is exactly

how you should feel if you're sort of a humane person. Thank you. You see them and you go, oh, these poor people, probably the victim. And you don't call them them.

Them? These poor people? Yeah. These? Can you call them these poor people? Those people. Them, you go, oh, these poor people, probably the victim. And you don't call them them. Them? These poor people? Yeah. These? Can you call them these poor people? Those people? Them, you know, them. The people who fuck for money. People who fuck for money. It's a weird thing that everybody watches that, but nobody admits

to it. A lot of people don't like to admit to porn. Really? Watching it? Yeah. I don't know anyone in my life that doesn't watch porn. Wow, you hang out with different people than me. Really? I don't know a single dude who doesn't watch porn. Oh, yeah.

But girls? Yeah. You know a lot of girls watch porn? All my friends watch porn. Your friends are all freaks. But no, no. When I was younger, I did not like porn at all. I remember I had a boyfriend. I was like 23 or four and I was like, I thought it was like

cheating. And then I grew up. And then you're like, oh wait, this is awesome. For a lot of guys, 23 is when that's the age cutoff. So they don't get to that new mature woman. They just find another girl's angry at porn. Oh, no, I really, I, no, I really like it. I have friends that are like that though and they

get when a girl gets like 23 they completely lose interest yeah and they move on yeah no you don't you don't know girls yeah all my girlfriends again they're all comedians but um i think that girl comedians are probably just completely different animal i guess if i had to guess i don't know i you know i yeah i i thought i think they're a little wilder crazier i don't even think so i don't think so i don't think i'm any wilder crazier i think i'm probably like pretty boring but i you know like having sex like yeah that's not wrong with saying that on the radio or a podcast no i don't know why it's like so why is that a thing i mean everybody it feels good like why is it it's okay to say you like massages people always ask

me like in you know like local press they're like why do you talk about sex so much i'm like it's the most interesting thing we do is people i think like why wouldn't i want to talk about i think it's like really funny really funny. Why, you know. And it's not that I think, I think I'm probably having, like, pretty mundane sex compared to everybody else. Pretty basic. But just, like, just hearing a girl, like, mention it just kind of makes people, like, why? I don't, this is just judging by doing local press. Right.

Well, you've got to think about different people's jobs they have and the amount of restraint that's required to keep a job at an office where you're not allowed to talk about anything freaky for eight hours a day. You're right. I haven't had an office, even before stand-up, I was just bartending. Yeah, you're like Ari Shaffir, but you're a woman. Thank you. You're a comic.

bartending yeah you're like like ari shafir but you're a woman thank you you're a comic you know like your your perceptions like why they would be upset at you for for talking about sex or liking sex because to them it's like a mind blower like she talks about sex all the time she just talks about like but but it's not that i'm like oh my god like i can't believe there's not something in my body right now i mean i feel like i have a totally normal sexual appetite totally normal i think i probably watch porn like twice a week the controversy is just talking about it talking about a sexual appetite at all that's the controversy but like that's so weird i think even i just you know did some some shows on npr and like there they act like they've never experienced penetration before well you remember what happened with Sarah Silverman when she did that TED Talk, and they completely censored her.

They pulled it down. But that was about, like, a kid being retarded. Right? The TED Talk was not about sex. Wasn't it just her act? I thought it was her act. I thought it was, like, the joke. And I don't remember what the joke was.

Okay, well, let's find out. We should find out since we're talking about it. Sarah Silverman TED Talk conversation. Yeah, I don't think it was sexual. I think it was, like, making that joke. But she's so sexual. We should find out since we're talking about it. Sarah Silverman, Ted Conklin. Yeah, I don't think it was sexual. I think it was making that joke. But she's so sexual. Is she? I don't think of Sarah as super sexual.

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? Her act is very sexual. It's very dirty. It's hilarious. Oh, she's hilarious. But it's very... A Ted versus Sarah Silverman fight turns really retarded.

Yeah, it was about that. Okay. Known for her shock and insult humor, was invited to give a TED talk. She subsequently trashed TED organizer Chris Anderson, who tweeted, I know I shouldn't say this about one of my own speakers,

but I thought Sarah Silverman was god awful. I can't believe he wrote that. He's a bitch. I'm real disgusted. The problem was that Silverman kept using the word retarded to fight Sarah Palin's recent rant about the word. The whole talk flew right over the TED crowd. So, wow. That is hilarious. Anderson deleted his tweet, but Silverman hit back today with her own, saying that kudos to Ted Chris for moving Ted and unsafe for making Ted an unsafe

haven for all you're a barnacle of mediocrity on Bill Gates asshole that's awesome oh my god she crushed him yeah you're a barnacle of mediocrity on Bill Gates asshole that's so good oh my god that is beautiful that's Shakespeare oh my god that's so funny. Oh, my God. That is beautiful. That's Shakespeare. Oh, my God. That's so funny. And then Steve Case waited in AOL founder. Steve Case waited into the fight to defend Anderson. He tweeted, shame on you to Silverman, adding, the sad thing is you're not that funny. Aha, you lose.

You lose just for saying that stupid. Shame on you, you lose. Unless you're being silly. Right there, you lose. Like, if you say something to me and I say, shame on you you lose unless you're being silly right there you lose like if you say something to me and i say shame on you shame on you amy schumer or how dare you amy schumer that's i'm joking this guy is shame on you for real so when you say shame on you for real you're out you lose you're out of the game's over the sad thing is you're not that funny oh no what okay you explain to me the whole barnacle on Bill Gates' asshole line then. That's a killer line.

The fuck out of here. Do a TED Talk on why that's not funny. Silverman's response was, you should be nicer to the last person on Earth with an AOL account. Like this? She got him too. Boom, bitch.

The fight between Silverman and Case continued But you get the picture Oh that's beautiful Good for her Well that happened when like They went after Salon.com Went after Patton Oswalt

And he crushed them It's just so arbitrary There's just no You have no control over What somebody picks up On what happens like that I mean of course If you go on some rant

Where you're like saying racist shit Like that's ridiculous But for comics it's just so it's just a slow news day and they're like this was a problem people just like choose norton um after i people were getting really mad at me about a joke i made about steve-o on the sheen roast and norton he uh he like stood up for me it was like your selective outrage was steve steve-o or the guy who died? The joke was saying that we all wished that- Why couldn't it have been Steve-O?

Yeah, that was the joke. They made the same joke about Geraldo with Anthony Jeselnik. But it's a comic. You're allowed to do that. Comics are allowed to do that. Steve-O's on the road. Oh, I know. He's a comic.

Well, listen, I'm with you. Yeah. I know you're with me. It's one of those things where you go, I know. He's a comic. Yeah. Well, listen, I'm with you. Yeah. I know you're with me. It's one of those things where you go, yikes. But hey, with comedy, it's always who's going to be the first person to make the yike. And a lot of times- I honestly didn't think it was going to be that much of a yike. When a sweet looking girl like you does it, it's like it's going to get an extra impact.

I honestly didn't think that was going to be that big of a yikes. Wow. I wasn't going for the- I would definitely think- I wasn't going for the headline on BuzzFeed,feed i swear i would definitely think it would be a yike i don't know what the fuck you're thinking man i really i swear i was really surprised because it wasn't a big deal it wasn't a big deal in the room it was like we're all hitting well you know we're all hitting hard right like i just didn't even think that was going to be a big deal i just

think that's comics i think that i'm used to sitting around with those guys at the cellar. Yeah. You know? And it's fun. It's how we communicate. Yeah. I can't tell you where half of these guys who are my best friends grew up, but I'm ready with so many insults for them.

If one of them walks back wearing a stupid jacket, I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait. Norton is awesome with that too. Everybody's awesome with that. Oh my God. Oh, Norton has crushed me so many times. Norton talked about this funny story.

We talked about it on Opie and Anthony where he had a slice of pizza and Louis C.K. saw him on the street and just slapped a slice of pizza to the ground and called him a faggot. Just for no reason. And he starts laughing when he's telling the story he's like i was a juicy pizza pizza too it was a nice one so good it's just you couldn't do that to another person that you know they wouldn't appreciate that the humor in the inappropriateness it makes us so happy the other night we were just playing keith robinson when he got eliminated from star search we were playing it over and over again in front of him. And by the way, don't think that you can come up to Amy Schumer and slap her fucking pizza down. That's not what we're saying.

You have to be a comedian. You have to be a friend. You have to know each other, you son of a bitch. You have to be a good friend. But that's so funny. Yeah. Oftentimes. A tell is the best.

A tell. Did you see his special road work? I heard it's awesome. It's so funny You can get it I'm so happy that he's doing well again His show looks dope He's fucking hilarious

I think he's the funniest guy alive That guy is fucking hilarious I don't think there is a funniest guy alive But he's one of my favorites That's for sure Yeah But he I was sitting at the table

Just sitting around with a bunch of female comics And we were all like Eating like dessert It was like a really like sad moment He just walks over like Hey Dave He's like Oh oh what are you guys having no boyfriend a la mode we were all just like no boyfriend like do you know every bite of that like tiramisu was like the saddest oh oh that's so funny but it's just like no boyfriend and he just like we're like hey dave he didn't even see us till he turned and then just boom fired at us and kept going just like right off the cuff boom

he's definitely one of the best joke writers out there yeah yeah because he's got so much of his act is jokey joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke you know so funny yeah he's hilarious that skanks for the memories one of my favorite CDs ever. So good. Yeah. It's a nice time to be a comedy fan. Yeah. A lot of good comics out there now.

It's a totally different experience than it was 20 years ago, I think. I think a lot of it is probably because of the internet. Like more people have an avenue. There's more demand for comedy. But I even think staying at some comedy condos on the road, they'll have VHSs of old specials. Yeah. And a lot of them are pretty shitty. It'll be kind of topical.

And there is that off-the-cuff. That movie Punchline, how it had Sally Fields coming out at the end, kind of just winging it and it working out as a comic. That just set up a whole i think wave of people being like maybe i'm amazing at comedy and i don't know it well that movie was so bad oh the stand-up in that movie was so it was so so obviously not real stand-up it was like they were faking it and the audience reaction was fake you can't do that it doesn't work with stand-up like you can fake being a fucking union boss and screaming at the fucking people in the yard. But if there's an artificial feeling to that, it's not nearly as offensive as the artificial feeling of watching Tom Hanks kill it with nonsense.

That was so brutal. Like, oh, he's just talking. Yeah, you could see, like, he probably could be a comic. I mean, he had good comic. He had good delivery, good setups. Who's doing the Pryor movie? I don't know if they cast who's going to play Richard Pryor yet, but I was like... Wasn't it going to be Eddie Griffin

at one point in time? I don't know, but I hope it's a comic. It has to be. I don't know. I don't know. It would have to be. I mean, I would think it would have to, but even then it's not going to work. I know. One guy pulled it off, ever. What, playing a comic? Dustin Hoffman.

You ever see Lenny? No. It's fucking brilliant. Yeah? It's fucking brilliant. Yeah. It's fucking brilliant. Did he get ready for it? He did everything.

Did he go on the road? That's a really good question. I don't know what he did, but what he did do when he did the movie is get Lenny Bruce down to a fucking T. Yeah. It was incredible. I mean, it was one of the best performances of his career and very few people know about it.

Yeah. I mean, very few people outside of standups even know who Lenny Bruce was. Lenny Bruce or like Bill Hicks. Bill Hicks more. More people know who Bill Hicks is. Yeah. But Lenny Bruce is just sort of a name, you know, like a fucking Sid Caesar. You know what I mean?

Yeah. It's like one of those names you don't really ever see their work. You're like, no, you've heard it. Red Buttons. Oh, that guy. I've heard of him. You don't sit around unless you're a real connoisseur. Yeah.

That's something I like to do on the road is go in record stores and listen to whatever comedy albums they have. Oh, that's cool. That's really fun. Well, first of all, it's sad that I'm like, and then I'll do this today when I'm in a city. There's a sadness to it. But that's where it also keeps me up because I feel bad. Why is that sad?

I just think being a stand-up is such an isolating life. But I will be like, I look forward to my couple things I like to do in cities. I don't know. I think everything about being a stand-up is sad. Really? I think so. Do you go-up is sad. Really? I think so. Do you go on the road with other friends? Well, I have Mark Normand, who's hilarious, opens for me.

Or I have my friend Bridget Everett. Actually, now she closes for me. She's hilarious. She's a cabaret singer, but she gets naked. She closes for you? Yeah. No one can follow her. What does she do?

She does Montreal. She'll do the Nasty show, but she'll have to close it because it's not stand-up. She's a singer. She's an amazing singer. Is she the one who does that Hannibal Burress show all the time? She just did Hannibal's show with Method Man. I keep saying Burress. It's Burress. It's Burress, yeah.

I always do that. i've known it too for years i wish i bet you guys are funny together yeah yeah bridget is funny dude so i've seen her i saw her he showed me a video he said she's incredible killer so at first i i just like want people to see her she does she's the only like i do stand-up on my show and i'll do like an interview and the only time i don't do an interview is if she's performing she's in a band with ad rock she's like such a badass. But I was like, I just need people to see her. Bridget Everett.

And so she came on the road with me and I was like, man, she's such a closer. But then I was like, I still want her to come out with me. So I just like would do an hour and then I'd be like, that's the show and I have a special guest. And I have her come out because I feel like she changes people's lives

with how amazing she is as a performer. Wow. You laugh so hard and it just, I don't know, it just like changes. And there's, yeah. High praise. Oh, my God. That's awesome. And you buddies in real life?

Yeah. See, that makes the difference for me. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you travel with your friends. Like going on the road, always. Always travel with my friends. Yeah. But don't you just have one person open for you?

Sometimes two. Oh, okay. That's nice. I've done two. I've done three before. Really? Yeah. But don't you just have one person open for you? Sometimes two. Oh, okay. That's nice. I've done two. I've done three before. Really? Yeah. I've done three.

That would be really fun. We got to go out on a bus this time. And it was fun because Mark Norman has been opening for me. And he's hilarious. But Bridget, what she does, she goes out into the crowd. It's such a physical thing. Yeah, I've seen some of the videos. She sits on dudes' laps and sings to them and shit.

She'll motorboat anybody. Her act is so killer. But it's been so cool because Mark started opening for me four or five years ago. So the answer is yes. You like to go on the road with your friends. So when you go on the road with your friends, doesn't it make it less sad? Because you're all just having a good time together. Yeah, totally.

Totally. That doesn't erase the 10 years a long time ago i figured that shit out way early i took a pay cut way early to do that right because it's just two yeah and i would even get grief about they would say well you know it cost you this much to find this person now not much to hire them and you know you're making this much less because i'm like so what well no i got i got my sister traveling with me my brother-in-law like we have a camp we have a little camp and that's why the road has been really sweet lately that's nice that's definitely a good thing yeah it also I find like I feel funnier when I'm hanging

out with all my friends because we're all laughing at each other right and it keeps you down or you're not gonna be like yeah yeah well like I'm'm doing Orlando on Thursday with Joey Diaz. Nice. Yeah. Or Friday, actually. This Friday. We leave Thursday. But.

What's the. It's going to be some theater. Yeah. But we're just going to have so much fun. Yeah. I mean, it's like I can't imagine not having fun hanging out with Diaz all day. Totally. You know, we're going to have a great time.

You're going to laugh. You'll laugh all day. So the road is like home. Right. You know, because Joey's family and we've been together. We've been friends for fucking forever now. Then you'll get dinner up all day. So the road is like home, you know, because Joey's family and we've been together. We've been friends for fucking forever now. Then you go get dinner after. Yeah.

We'll have lunch. Have an activity. Yeah. Joey will go to the gym and tell me about his fucking jiu-jitsu class. Joey's going to jiu-jitsu now. Really? To defend his kid? Yeah, he's doing kettlebell swings and shit.

No, he's just doing, trying to be healthy. Yeah. You know, doing a little exercise. That's awesome. Yeah. He's the most fun guy I've ever hung out with yeah we had fun on the road

the first time I did Orlando when Mark opened for me and we stayed at this hotel and it had a water slide ah that's awesome yeah I was like oh my god

and it made me go do that club again because I was like oh they've got that water slide at that hotel dude water slide there was a place in Phoenix where you used to do

the Tempe improv that had a water slide it was fucking awesome. Just like the reasons you say yes. In comics, you know, you get in. You're like, oh, God, that club is super weird. But the hotel is good. Like, they do a free hour of drinks.

You're like, oh, OK. You know what else has a waterslide? Is the hard rock in Florida. In Hollywood, Florida? Yes. In Hollywood, Florida. Me and Tate, my friend Tate, we went down. We had like a couple hours to kill before our flight and we found out about the water slide.

You did the inner tube for two. We're like, fuck yeah. We water slided for like two hours before we had to leave. Hell yeah. It was so much fun. There were like tunnels and shit. You go shooting out the bottom of a tunnel. So good.

We were there the second time we went back and there was a family and I guess they were Muslim. They were wearing burkinis. Oh my God. Have you, do you know this? That's real? Yeah. They were all, all the girls were in burkini.

It just, yeah, a bikini, but it's a burka. Okay. Like a waterproof burka. So their face is covered or their whole body's covered? It was their, their eyes were out. Okay. Or their faces out and everything else was covered. Jamie, pull up burkini.

Jesus Christ. Boom. I got to see this. That can't be real. Okay. Were their faces out and everything else was covered. Jamie, pull up Burkini. Jesus Christ. Boom. I got to see this. That can't be real. Yeah, and I was like, man, I want that. Like, why can't. Jesus Christ. I would have gone on the water slide 10 more times in that.

That really, literally freaks me out. What? That chick looks so. First of all, that chick does not look like the people that were at the water park with us. But that freaks me out. That chick's name is like Kelly. Come on. That is so insane bikini that is insane it's just it's insane that they look so happy but you're being cute but it's it's insane that that culture like it forces that. Yeah. That's one of the most insane things in 2014. That's fear, right?

That here we are. I mean, isn't that just fear of women? I guess. It's also a pattern. It's a religious pattern. Yeah. That religious pattern. One on the left, pow, pow, pow.

Hello. The one on the right, now, now, now, now, now, now. Jesus, you ain't fixing that. Yeah. Poor girl. I went to Dubai once for stand-up and it was a real bummer. It's a bummer. Yeah.

It's a bummer seeing people, and you know, they don't think it's a bummer because they're used to it. Yeah. It's a bummer for you, though, if you have freedom to dress however you want and you see something like that and you just go, what's going on? Yeah. Why only the women? Like, how come the men can wear shorts and you can wear whatever the fuck you want? Like, what? Right.

Can they, though? I don't know. I mean, a lot of the men wear religious garbs as well. The Emiratis there could do whatever. Whatever they want. Whatever. Even some of the comics I was working with. It was like some of them could say things and some of them couldn't.

I feel terrible whenever I see any form of suppression. Yeah. So when I see that, that shit drives me crazy. That was the worst thing was seeing the way that they dealt with like the Filipino waitstaff. Just the people because it's such a caste system there. It's like forget about the women being that shielded. It was like that was the bummer. Well, have you ever seen – there were some pieces that were done on some unscrupulous employees or employers rather that were taking these people from other countries. They were getting them from like a guy who would be like a wrangler.

And he would go to these other countries and tell these people that they were going to get a lot of money and tell these people that all these good things were going to happen. And then he would bring them over here to start working for these companies. And then they would take their passports away and leave them in these like subhuman conditions, these horrible conditions. I did see that. Sleeping like head to toe in a room with 20 dudes. With no dirt floors and holes in the ground to shit in. Like Vice did a piece on them. And you're like, this is incredible. I mean, it's not all establishments there. But the fact that it does happen and that the way it's set up you know that i don't know who's responsible i don't know if it's the people at the top or the people at the bottom that are hiring these people like who's made the decision to force these people in this

situation take their passports away i don't know who made those decisions and like i know like that's really awful but like honestly today i asked for a decaf and like the chick, I know there was caffeine in that. You're being funny. Yeah. How dare you. How dare you. No, I just like, it makes me, when I hear things like that, I think of like, what's the dumbest thing today that I thought was important? Oh, I see.

You know what I mean? Like, you know, the things that I'll be like, oh, this is, this is foam. You call this foam barista? Fucking traffic on Santa Monica again. Yeah. And you're like tweeting like. Santa Monica Boulevard is bullshit. The weatherman didn't say it was going to rain.

And then you're like, oh, you had to sleep head to toe with people that don't bathe and you haven't seen your family in 10 years? The stoplight is down. We have to figure out this intersection on our own. When I called, they said they had my size. It really makes me feel like a monster. Well, it's terrible when you really stop and consider how uneven the playing field is from birth. From birth to death in this world that we live in. Like you can get the most awesome spot ever like Amy Sch, and be born in a nice city, a nice town.

I had a bad childhood like everybody else. Oh, yeah, nothing. I know, you're right. Actually, you're right. You're right. I wasn't born to a rape camp. You're right. You weren't born to some people in India that sold you to some government because they need your money that they're going to send back.

So you're working in some kitchen somewhere. Yeah. Some other country. I know. They have your passport. You can never get home. Jesus fucking Christ. I was complaining about having to learn how to make signature cocktails while I bartended.

You know, that's a real issue, the passport thing. They take their passport so they can't go back, which is just dark as fuck. I know. That is really dark. I mean, that's slavery. That's essentially like you're not... I mean, there's no dogs, there's no gates, there's no guys with guns. There's no getting out.

But isn't the one thing you get like they let you send the saddest amount of money home? Yeah, apparently. But who knows? I mean, who knows if that money even gets there? If you can't communicate with your friends back home or your family back home, I mean, how are you communicating with them? If you are communicating with them and it's free and uncensored,

you'd be saying, get me the fuck out of here. They have me. They're holding me hostage. But that's just the people that get taken. But there's also, that's going on where they didn't take their passport, but it's the only way that they can send money home. And it's voluntary, but it's awful. No, no doubt.

There's a bunch of different, you know, there's variables. There's a bunch of different variables when it comes to people that live. If you are born in a third world country or a really poor village or really poor neighborhood somewhere, it's a fucking huge handicap. Starting from there is incredibly difficult. I have a friend. His name is Justin Vren. And he's been on the podcast before. He used to be a UFC fighter, and then he went to the Congo and met these pygmies.

And he's become obsessed with helping them and saving them. So he takes donations, and he goes over there and builds wells for them and helps them and endures all sorts of personal tragedies with them. He's gotten sick. He's got some horrible dengue fever. He almost died when he was over there. I mean, really horrible, horrible shit just to go over there and try to help these people just because he was over there and he just recognized he had this feeling like, oh, my God,

these people are so unhealthy and I can help. I know I can help them. So he just felt incredibly compelled to make that his life's mission to try to help these people. So really, there's him right now. That's the pictures of him with all these pygmy people. It's an unbelievably touching story. He's like the sweetest guy ever. Did he used to be a comic?

He was a fighter. Oh, okay. He was a very tough guy. He was on the ultimate fighter. And he was going through all this shit like bullshit depression and you know alcoholism and you know all the problems that uh a lot of people go through in this life and found a new purpose when he went over and met these people don't you feel susceptible to that yeah you can get definitely get susceptible which part i mean you personally like i could see you getting real into

a specific cause and what but now that you like your family's well i would definitely i'm i absolutely could see myself getting into a certain cause something along those lines but i just don't have the time to dedicate to go over to the congo like off the grid you know but i appreciate and respect that he does yeah you know and i donate and i think that donating to anything is a good cause donating to anything where you can you know change people's lives like directly i think that's a good thing, donating to anything where you can change people's lives directly I think that's a good thing for you to do with your time no matter what, if you can

find something in life that enhances your perspective on the world because you've done something positive that's a good thing, I think that's really what I got out of what he did the most is that it really truly enhanced his perspective of the world, he became this really happy guy with like a real mission. Yeah.

And he sees like a tangible result in all the care and help and aid that he gives these people. It's just cool as fuck. Yeah. Because it's so selfless. Yeah. And it's so, it's beautiful in that regard, you know. And I think anytime we see something like that, it elevates all of us as a species. Anytime you see someone who's so selfless like that, does something super positive, it elevates us as a species. That guy is just an awesome example of what a human being is capable of.

It's cool. It's also a fascinating thing that this guy was in the dumps and his life was terrible until he started doing this. And now he's like this really driven, happy person. You see all those pictures. He's smiling and loves those people so much. Why was his life in the dumps? Just, you know, hard time. First of all, being a fighter is unbelievably difficult.

Very strenuous. Very nerve wracking. They're always nervous. They're always, you know know forcing themselves to get into unbelievable shape you're constantly disciplined because you're doing strength and conditioning work then you go into a spa later that night and then you wake up in the morning you're gonna hit mitts and then later that night you're gonna lift weights and then the next day you're gonna wrestle and then at nighttime you're gonna kick box and then it's it never ends it just keeps going keeps

going there's never enough fucking hurdles to jump over. There's never enough kettle bells to lift. There's never enough mitts to punch. There's never enough bodies to spar with. You keep going, going, going, going, going, going, going and you redline your body in a lot of ways. A lot of guys get depressed just from that, just from over

training. They get sick a lot. They're exhausted. But if you don't put yourself through that, then you get your ass kicked. And that's even worse. It's a lot. They're exhausted. But if you don't put yourself through that, then you get your ass kicked. Yeah. And that's even worse. Yeah. There's a lot of shit involved in being a fighter. We think being a comic is hard.

It's a joke. No. I mean, I don't know any UFC fighters, but even just what wrestlers go through, I'm just like, man. Well, that's unbelievably hard for your body, too, because what they're doing. It what they're doing a car accident all over and over and over again yeah over and over and over again i've had some sets that i felt like that actually in orlando well you know there's a lot of um for sure there's a lot of bad feelings that come from bombing and it's not good for you and it's it's damaging the issue about sports though or wrestling or anything along those lines is that it sort of breaks your body down yeah and then you got to

live the last third of your life or half of your life with a body that's essentially wrecked from the first half isn't the same with ballerinas some of them yeah you know i don't know if all of them get fucked up do they all get fucked up i don't know if all of them get fucked up. Do they all get fucked up? I don't know. What is the thing that goes wrong? The couple that I talked to. What goes wrong? Oh, like you're just murdering your body. Like just the arthritis that sets in.

Standing on your toes. Yeah. And if you don't actually ever get injured, which they all do, it's still just so hard on your body. Like you can't walk as long as you you know what i heard i heard um they just fuck a lot and they blame the injuries on ballet you're such a liar endless ballerina that's what i heard they just get a lot of ballet dick like baryshnikov dick i don't think they just get fucked like crazy from who that guy from that movie that one guy fucks all of those girls?

The guy. The guy, the director guy. He's always the guy. He makes, he's aloof with them. Just Natalie Portman. He plays games. He fucked the other girls too, remember? Remember? He was like really mean and he got them really insecure.

Yeah. Like he pulls them in close, then he pushes them away. He plays those creepy games. Yeah, I guess you're right. That guy did fuck everybody. Fuck everybody. And in White Knight. If he's a heterosexual and he's around all these insecure women and he has a power over them, like he's the director, that dude just banging left and right, that dirty bastard.

He's horrible. He's a terrible person. Might as well be drugging them, in my opinion. It seems like what guys should do. Guys become comics to hook up with girls. It's stupid. Just one guy in ballet. with girls.

It's stupid. Just one guy in ballet. Well, I don't know if guys become comics to hook up with girls, but they definitely become funny to make girls laugh at them. And then along the way, they look at their career options and usually they're pretty fucking slim. Yeah. And stand up looks incredibly attractive. And then along the way, they realize from doing shows that you could hook up with girls.

Yeah. I think very few comics get into comedy going, I'm going to be really funny so I can hook up with girls yeah i think very few comics get into comedy going i'm going to be really funny so i can hook up with girls gosh i think it's sort of a consequence of like you know they just realized as they were after they started uh all the guys that i'm friends with are at least yeah i guess they they just make it sound like that was a part of why they got into it well i think it's probably part of what makes them funny for sure. Yeah. It was probably one of the only times I was ever funny before I was a comedian was like talking to girls. Yeah.

You know, you're trying to impress them. It's probably one of the only times I was ever funny, like making fun of things or mocking things. Yeah. And it was that or locker room stuff with my friends. It was a lot of that. A lot of like... Oh, just like making each other laugh.

locker room stuff with my friends. There's a lot of that. Oh, just like making each other laugh. Well, you know, I came from a weird place because I came from like a, I was a martial arts instructor and I was a competitor and I did that was like the main focus of my life growing up.

So I didn't have a normal upbringing in that sense. It was very abnormal. There was no partying. There was no, very little drinking or any of that. Had a couple girlfriends that tolerated me for small periods of time and then they'd eventually

just get tired of me being crazy. Those poor girls. Just like going to your martial arts shows. Get that belt! I don't think I ever brought one to a fight. An actual fight. Too much pressure. I wouldn't want to watch them sit there in the audience watching me, me thinking about them watching me.

Like, my sister came to see me fight once, and I remember it being a wreck. There's one thing I really appreciated about my parents. They never, like, they never said, I am going to your fight. Like, you know, they would say, do you want us to go? I'd be like, fuck that. I'm like, no, don't go. Oh, really? No, I don't want them to see me hurting anybody and be upset at me.

And I didn't want to see anybody hurting me and them being upset. And then the idea that I could get hurt in front of my mother was like extra pressure. The idea that I would lose in front of my mother, that was also extra pressure. Like it's a very solitary pursuit martial arts. Did they ever watch you stand up? Yes. They've seen me you stand up? Yes. They've seen me do stand up a bunch of times.

And you don't care? Completely, no, not at all. Totally different thing. You know, because the stand up is just fun.

You know, it's just, it was bad at the beginning when I wasn't very good. Right. You know, I'd be like, fuck,

I'm gonna bomb it in front of my parents. But once I got good, it was, it was pretty easy to have them there. It was fun. It was fun to have them there.

Fighting was a totally different thing, though. It was just more creepy. Yeah. There's just too many things to manage. You're more inside your head. So I wasn't really fun. I was rarely funny with girls, even. I was just rarely funny.

Really? Yeah. I wasn't funny at all until I decided to become a comedian. I was more of like a questioning person than funny. But you seem like, like, I think you would be funny just by accident. Like, didn't you just make people laugh? Well, that's, what happened was, the reason I got talked into doing stand-up in the first place was guys in the locker room. I would be doing impressions of each other.

Like, I'd be doing impressions of my instructor having sex with one of the students. You know? Yeah. Or other friends. I would make fun of things. But it was really rare. But every now and then I would do... It wasn't like something I did every day.

But when you did it, everybody was like, oh my God. Every now and then I would wait until they were good. I'd have something actually funny. It was a very quiet thing like Marshall everybody was very friendly and everybody would go into the locker room what's up what's up but we knew what we're gonna do we're gonna go out there we're gonna kick each other and punch each other was a very nerve-racking thing to be like very close with people that beat you up but like I know that

that fighting is totally different but I do see a a lot of parallels with stand-up with that. Because it's like, yeah, the people you're most threatened by, you feel the closest to. In a way, yeah. There's some similarities for sure. I think there's some. Yeah. I've been thinking about just... And even like, I like watching...

I always liked rap battles. I mean, growing up i just like was interested in them i still like them and the and i i never made the connection that those were kind of like roasts or like hanging out with comics to me but it's like of course like even the that wu-tang album in um at the beginning of uh of method man of uh that song it's like they're just trashing each other saying what they're going to do. And I'm like, and I loved that growing up. And then I'm like, but I never even made that connection until like real recently.

I was like, oh, yeah. Well, battle rap is all about, you know, like coming out on top. And everybody would come up with the most vicious, scathing shit you could say about a dude's mother. But it had to be real poetic. Or a sister. Yeah, and make it rhyme. But how many times have you seen battle rap that ends in fisticuffs? There's a bunch of those videos online.

Right. That always looks like they're about to... Yeah. They are. They're saying some really nasty shit to each other. Yeah. In a way, yeah, I think that's probably a lot like stand-up. But stand-up, it's rare that we go head-to-head with each other like that. It's only roasts where that kind of happens and even then but even the guy sitting can't respond

for a while yeah but even if it's not like but even i know you you and i both have heckler people put videos of us dealing with hecklers online and that feels like you're fighting training like i think that stuff plays a part in just like your defense mechanisms, how you're set up, how you've been preparing for these moments you didn't even know you're going to have. Sort of. It's also you recognize you have to handle something in real time and you have to also be completely in the moment while you're handling it. Yeah. Because you're directing a moment where X amount of people are in the audience. They all paid to see you and some shit's going down in real time.

And you have to keep the control. Yeah. And sometimes you'll slip and you'll say something awkward or you just say something that's like forced or stupid. Or too much and the crowd's like, whoa, Amy. Like, hey. He's just a drunk. I mean, I've had some people swear that things were planted just because people are so ridiculous. I had a guy, god damn it, I can't remember where.

I want to say it was Milwaukee. But there was a guy that was so drunk that he came up to the side of the stage and he was literally falling over. And he reached up his hand, like, to shake my hand and then, like, was, like, blacking out. And I caught his hand. I was holding onto his wrist. I was literally keeping this guy standing. Yeah. Like that fucked up right and the audience was howling i'm like this is i've never had to hold a guy up like how fucked up is this guy like he stumbled out of his chair came like lunging towards the uh the the the stage to the point where i was wondering if he

was handicapped i was wondering if he had had an issue with his muscles or something, some physical issue. And that's really hard. That's when it's the hardest to deal with somebody, if you're like, wait. Yes. This guy might have had something wrong with him on top of being fucked up.

Yeah. But the fucked up thing, there's a video of it somewhere. I can't believe I haven't seen this. There's a video of me holding this guy up to show that it really is real. People love it. Because it's like this real moment they're like well so ridiculous but i mean those moments like amy schumer's responsible for you're responsible for you know in real time here's the guy like he's

he's standing there oh my god yeah yeah go ahead amy sch's going to pee while this guy... Go ahead, we'll play it. Why are you holding on to me, man? Listen, that man represents the world. He's the roots of your tree. What you are right now is maybe the drunkest guy that's ever survived.

We're going to learn something just by watching you move. Dude, you need to sit the fuck down, cross-legged, and just close your eyes and think about the seventh grade, because there's no way you're gonna make it up those stairs. Clearly you've made some mistakes in your life. Let's go back. Let's go back to grammar school. Let's go to seventh grade. You're high, feeling good. In two years, you're going to be 14. That's when your brother got some sex. Are you really trying to walk? Why are you doing that? Get on your knees in your hands and crawl. Because you don't have the mentality of a human right now. That's why your mind doesn't want to do that. If you crawled like a baby, you'd be fine. That's that guy, folks. That's that guy.

Who's his buddy? Who's with him? Are you with him? Is that your friend? Who's right there? You folks look sensible. You're fairly sober. Is this man traveling solo? Is he crazy? How can you drink that much and stay alive? This little guy didn't have any idea that I was grabbing him and holding on to him. He was like, what's going on here? Getting lifted from the sky. What's up here? He didn't even look at me.

All I saw was his wrists. He's like, well, and then there's that happening over there. And I'm like, look. And then I'm like, what's going on? And he's like, I'm not even going to drink. I'm going to drink. And I'm like, what's going on? And he's like, I'm not even going to drink.

And I'm like, I'm not even going to drink. And I'm like, I'm not even going to drink. And I'm like, I'm not even going to drink. And I'm like, I'm not even going to drink. And I'm like, I'm not even going to drink. And I'm like, I'm not even going to drink. And I'm like, I'm not even going to drink. And I'm like, I'm not even going to drink. And I'm like, I'm not even going to drink. And I'm like, I'm not even going to drink. And I'm like? He didn't even look at me. All I saw was Ritz. It's like, well, and then there's that happening over there. I'm like, look at what that is. Like he's gonna look up and there's a fucking goblin

holding on to it. And I'm gonna see it. Wouldn't you love to just see through that guy's eyes right now as he slowly makes it to that toilet? You can see through that guy's eyes right now as he slowly makes it to that toilet. There's those moments, man, when you put your forehead on the white porcelain and you're peeing and you're like, I gotta fix so many things about my life. That moment, staring into the abyss of that white porcelain. It just comes back to you with answers. I think that's probably the end of it.

Somebody's fucked that guy. I can't get out of the sky. Somebody's not only fucked that guy, but called him on purpose so they could have sex with him. Where is he? Tom, get over here and help me. That's probably what he was thinking about when he was drinking. Too much pressure.

Bitch is always looking for dick. We're a mess. We're a messy animal. I completely forgot about that, dude. I totally forgot about that whole exchange, about how long it went on. But the guy was so drunk that I was holding him up and he didn't even look up at me he was so drunk he was just like letting me hold him up and he was just sort of looking around the crowd trying to figure out why that's when you're like what where's the security of this venue like who's serving this oh no no they handled it right away like you could see right here while while

this guy is stumbling, this guy comes over, the security comes over and grabs him, and they cart him off, and then I started talking about that guy who's like the roots of your tree. He represents life. Let him hold you up. And the guy walked the dude towards the back of the room. You talked him through it. Yeah. Well, I had to. I mean, I had to talk about it. It was just so ridiculous. I'd never seen a guy that drunk.

There was no way he was talking. He could barely move his body right. He was just making noises with his mouth that didn't represent words. You could see that he was trying to speak English, but he was so drunk he couldn't talk at all. You start wondering what happened. How'd it go wrong? Right. That's what happens to me too. And then sometimes like, you know, if people like keep,

keep firing at me, I'm like, don't cause I will, I will pinpoint what happened. It's not good for either one of us. No, the crowd's like, even if you win,

you're going to feel bad later. You're going to be like, Ooh, did I go too far? You learn that lesson, you know, you learn that lesson. Then you're like, I know if I say one more thing thing i will regret it for the rest of my life so well then sometimes it's funny when you go too far and you go all right i went too far yeah

sorry everybody yeah it's all like do you if you actually get angry that's the that's the thing yeah if you actually get angry. Yeah, because nobody wants to see that. But I learned from when I was opening for Norton and Attell on the Road, because people would yell shit at them, and they wouldn't fire back. It was never like they were being attacked. They would just diffuse. Right. So I try to do that now.

But then I've also seen if somebody keeps coming at them, they will go to town. Yeah, there's a difference between someone having fun and someone that's like fucking it all up. Yeah. You know, at the risk of encouraging this, because I'm not encouraging this, but when I was in New York. Discouraging. When I was in New York, this guy yelled out something that was fucking hilarious.

Oh, no. It was, I was, I was talking about the most, I was trying to figure out who the most famous woman in the world was, setting up this bit. Yeah. And the guy goes, your mom. I got you there. For the wrong reasons. Just for childish, I'm 12 reasons, I started laughing.

It was just the perfect timing. That's really funny. Yeah, because it's like, first of all, that is not true. Your mom is not the most famous woman in the world. But it doesn't matter. No, I know. That's why it's so funny. Maybe your mother, who makes the best cheeseburgers. Maybe your mom. Yeah, it's like, you got me. Who sucked the most famous woman in the world. But it doesn't matter. No, I know. That's why it's so funny. Who makes the best cheeseburgers?

Maybe your mom. Yeah. It's like, you got me. Who sucked the most dick? Probably your mom. You're like, shit.

Like somewhere along the line throughout history, there's got to be a woman who has sucked the most dicks ever. There's a world record holder. They probably don't keep it officially. Yeah.

It's on a video. It's probably done. It's on a cave somewhere carved into the rocks. It's probably a video. It's probably done. It's on a cave somewhere carved into the rocks. It's probably an old record that nobody ever even claimed close to touching. She kept it with little dick chalk marks that people are going to find. They're going to find that in your kettlebells and be like, wow, what was going on with this society?

When a prisoner is calculating how many days till they get out, till they get released, they make those fives on the wall, four straight ones and one across. You go over to her door of death, and it's just all these dicks. Just endless dicks in the cave. And right by the cave door, right in how many dicks she sucks.

It's hard to get, you know, if you have a limp, it's tough to get some buffalo. You got to do what you got to do. But my point is, imagine if that's your mom. I mean, I've never had somebody heckle that good. Yeah, that's a good heckle. That's a good one. But it was only in the moment it was good.

If it was another moment, it could be bad. Don't yell anything out. It shows. Yeah, don't. Please don't do it. It just worked that time. But I like talking to the crowd. Sometimes it works.

If I instigate, then let's talk. I love talking to the crowd. Do you ever do a, then let's talk. I love talking to the crowd. Do you ever do a Q&A? Yeah. You know what you should do? There's a thing that they're doing in L.A. It's a podcast called Thunder Pussy. Yeah.

And Thunder Pussy is you don't go on stage with any material at all. Zero material. And the audience yells out suggestions. Whose show is that? Is it Ari's? No. No, it's Red Band. Red Band and Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah Watkins. Sorry? No. No, it's Red Band. Red Band and... Jeremiah.

Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah Watkins. Sorry, Jeremiah. I spaced on his name. Jeremiah Watkins, very funny young kid. And he and Brian have this podcast where they have guys go up there and they do that. They do... Everything is completely off the cuff. You do everything with the audience.

But isn't it better to do the stuff that you know works? Sometimes. audience but isn't it better to do the stuff that you know work sometimes but as an artistic like exercise it's a great exercise in creativity because you come up with bits and then they become actual bits you come up with bits when someone yells out something and you have a suggestion and then you try to work it out like or you can several times no just kidding several times i've come up with actual real bits from that that have become real bits. I try to make myself do at least a couple new things every night on stage. That's good. Yeah, but I mean, it's hard.

Oh, it's definitely hard. Especially the crowd. They can sense it. But that's one of the things that's amazing about this Thunder Pussy idea is because you're doing an hour. It's an hour? Yeah. Well, me, I did is because you're doing an hour. It's an hour? Yeah. Well, me, I did an hour. I did an hour.

I did one hour once and an hour ten another time. How much time did you get out of that in the long run for a year or so? Ten minutes out of two sets. Wow. Yeah. That's amazing. Two sets is ten whole minutes. So, you know, a lot of it gets tossed out.

A lot of it's in the moment. A lot of it is not applicable. Or maybe it is someday once I hash it out and work it out. What's that festival in Scotland? Edinburgh? Yeah. People that do that, they say, like, you know, you're there for like a month and you have to do a different hour every night. What?

That's what some comics say that they go and they do that. Oh, my God. And then you get so much time out of it. Didn't Marin or is it melbourne one of those marin has a fantastic story about going over to some festival and bombing horrifically that's probably melbourne i think it's a great story though it's really good at telling it because it's like really early on in his career and just the whole thing was just wrong you know the wrong vibe thing where it's you get caught up in the wrong. And if you start off a week bombing.

That totally brings up so many feelings right away. You never recover. No. That feeling when you start off Thursday night eating shit on stage. All the blood is in your head. You're like, how am I even still standing here when all the blood's in my head? And you can't even believe they're going to let you go up on Friday. But it's just because they couldn't find a substitute for you.

And you're like, oh, my God, here we go. You start seeing spots. Like, It's such a bad feeling. I had two sets at this one place in Connecticut. The first set I had was great. It was really fun. It was easy. It was fun. The second set I had, it was awful. I was terrible. Hartford? I just bombed. No, it wasn't even Hartford. It was like some bar gig in Connecticut. But it was just early on in my career. And it was just, I had another one after that that went well. But everyone gave me the stink eye. Oh, everyone turns on you.

The manager gave me the stink eye. They were like, couldn't believe that I did well this time compared to the last time. They wanted to keep bringing up the last time. Even though I had a good set, they kept wanting to bring up the last time when I ate shit up there. I'm like, I know. I remember. I didn't do it on purpose. I was the one feeling it.

God. I bombed so bad. I don't think I ever told this here, but at the Schomburg Improv, which they call the Chicago Improv, which is ludicrous. I know where that place is. It's an hour away from Chicago.

It's like 40 miles from Chicago. It's an hour if you're lucky. But anyway, I went there, and I was opening for Tammy Pescatelli and I went out there and I did the... I was in the middle of doing Last Comic so I've been dealing with all paid audiences

so I was like, I think I'm a killer now and I went out there. I mean, bomb it. 20 minutes of just zero. Where I was like, I almost said, is this thing on? Like it was that bad. And so it was my second night and I'm just, I'm like 10 minutes into my 20 and I'm dying.

And Tammy comes on stage and takes the mic out of my hand. And I'm like, you know, and I'm always like ready to say something like I'm a wise ass. I couldn't believe it. She goes, Amy. And she's like everyone i'm really sorry but there's been a bomb threat and i'm like this is what she says when someone's bombing like this bitch i cannot believe this but there was it's in a strip mall there was a bomb threat in the mall so we all to evacuate and she wanted to be the one to tell them and so we're all

like i and i was like fucking thank god you know like, this is divine. But we're all filing out together. And I'm filing out with the crowd. And they're all talking about like how horrible I was. Oh, my God. And then just night after night, just taking it to the chin. Just like going out there and just eating it. So awful. Yeah.

A bomb threat while you're bombing is never, never good, though. I don't know. It's so ironic. I had ironic an app on my phone like calling a friend like just please buffalo in five minutes okay what what was wrong was it you was the audience yeah what made you turn the corner as a comic just i think bombing so many times that you just don't care and then once you don't care you become funny yeah because they're not worried they trust you and because i think my jokes were funny it wasn't that my material got that much better you're just nervous up there i was just like is this okay is this okay oh yeah is this funny oh that wasn't funny okay like quick let me get to this other thing is this fun you know just tap dancing through my set and then and then it was like oh that made you upset well let me say

this thing that's 10 times worse than that last thing you got mad at and i don't care and then yeah just and they're just being totally unapologetic yeah do you think it's more difficult as a woman to do stand-up? No. You don't? I've had a very sweet path. I think I've worked really hard. I don't know what the quote is, but opportunity plus preparation equals something. Okay, thanks. I don't know.

But it's like I have worked really hard. But I think it's harder to be a woman i think being a chick sucks and i wouldn't wish it on anybody really for real yes really yes it's awful what's awful about it everything you're like born with this invisible calendar counting down to your last fuckable day you're you're you're valued by your appearance above all else but at the same you make less you're you're taught that there's no there's no ceiling to what you can do no limit and then you learn yes there is and society wants only a specific thing from you and even though you're programmed a different way it's aren't you, like, proof positive that that's not the case?

That's always going to be the case, right? But aren't you proof positive that there is no ceiling and that you can be successful with hard work and talent? I mean, that's what you've done, right? I think... You're way more talented than a lot of men, I know. Thank you. But way more successful as well.

But the people that have seen those men and me perform would still tell me that i was their favorite female comedian they've ever seen like it's a handicap like you would say would you say that like you're my favorite black comedian i've ever seen it's i think it's really weird yeah well fuck them for that but i've said that before she's one of the funniest girls ever Yeah All time Yeah Well you know like Roseanne Barr was on And um I went like super I was super conscious

To not say That she's one of the funniest Women of all time Cause I think she's one of the great ones Yeah I think if you had to pick like You know like a top 50 Greatest comedian list ever

Roseanne Barr In my opinion Is like She's a real She was a real pioneer Yeah Because she had a very specific Unique style When she came out Yeah she was a real pioneer yeah because she had a very specific unique style when she came out yeah she was hard-hitting and aggressive and she didn't give a fuck if you

liked her she wasn't trying to look pretty shut up you know she just and she shoved it down your throat just knowing it was good and well-written stuff and performance delivery so yeah i made i'm but i could see how that would be annoying and but then also like the just numbers like how many how many female comics are headlining theaters on the road right how many of them are in successful relationships how many of them christina pozitsky that's it. They sort of broke the rule. Boss and Bonnie. Yeah.

There's a couple exceptions. Statistically, it's not looking good for the ladies. And Boss and Bonnie is hilarious too because Bonnie is a smart one and Boss is the guy who's constantly the butt of the jokes. And then Boss is there. He's the butt of the jokes. All of their podcasts, it's like her shitting all over how dumb he is. Yeah. But then it's like, you know, it's like I am successful as a comic right now, but then

it's like, but then there's also a price to be paid for that, for being a girl anyway. Okay. But is it with everybody or is it with idiots? You know, and isn't the price that you pay when you're around idiots no i mean good people nice people i think i think it's most people still want a kind of i think i think some people are grateful for for the female comics that they they love like i like i was grateful for the my favorite comics were were girls growing up and and those comedic actresses and i was really grateful for them and so i still and i hope that

people will feel that way about me one day but um what the fuck am i talking about i'm just talking about the differences when we're just discussing the differences between men and female comics and how few female comics there are. And when you look at the number of females that are headlining theaters and that they were always your biggest influences and you're always big fans of these female comedians. That's what you're saying. You're such a good listener. Well, I'm very fascinated by the subject. Because I had a conversation once with Judy Gold about an interview that I did where we were talking about.

She's so funny. She's very funny. She's so good. She's an animal too. She's a killer. Oh my God. She's so good. But she's also smart.

She's quick. Yeah. If you fuck with her, she'll kill you. She knows how to just shut things down, especially a heckler. Yeah. Shuts them down. Oh, I remember what I was going to say. Well, please do say it then I'm sorry but I think a lot of people are probably pretty relieved when Judy and I leave the room what come on no one

who's worth a fuck me I know I think you're right and the people I'm close to and the people that I love and that I care about are you know are in are into it but you know what I think I think still there's a lot of work to be done in the world with the perception of what we want from women. Maybe. I see what you're saying. I'm sure I would see it from a completely different perspective if I was you and I lived your experiences. My experience, though, with friends and people that I care about is,

I don't always agree with Jerry Seinfeld, but one thing that Jerry Seinfeld said that I really do agree with, or someone was talking about diversity and comedy. And he was like, look, I, I, this is all I speak. It's funny. I just, I want to know what's funny. Like what I think is our people are funny. If they're men, if they're women, if they're black, if they're white, he goes, I just like funny. And that's true because Chris Rock is one of his best friends, was a dude who used to host MTV Half Hour, Comedy Hour. Mario Joyner is a guy who's been his good friend forever. Yeah, but I think the conversation was with Colin Quinn when he was talking about why he had no women or black people on the first season of his writing in Cars with Comedians. And it's like funny is funny, but are you looking for what's fun?

Are you, I don't think of, you know, do you have your hand on the pulse? Whose stand-up are you going down to watch? Who? Jerry Seinfeld? Seinfeld. And I'm just saying that in general, like, you know, you know, what's,

and I think that's true. What's funny is funny. And like, I don't, I don't, I would never specify like, this is my favorite female comic. This is my favorite black comic.

Like that's insane to me. Right. Um, but I think people, what they are looking for, if they're like, I'm going to Google, um,

comedians, uh, and cars getting coffee. They're, they're like, I'm going to Google comedians. In Cars Getting Coffee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that what it's called? Yes, that's what it is. It's a talk show. But I don't think... It's his show.

He does it. He interviews people like Larry David. Right. So I think that was his conversation. Was it him talking on Stern about Collins? Eddie. Well, he interviews people that he thinks are interesting.

That's all it is. I mean, he just gets... Like David Letterman goes for a drive in his Volvo. Right, right, right. Yeah. And then the second season he had Sarah on. He had, you know, he had women on because Colin was like, you're going to get a lot of shit for this. But that's not why he did it.

No. I think that's what he was saying when he said the interview. He's like, I don't care. He goes, all I care about is funny. I think you're like that. I think I'm like that. You don't think he's like that? No, I goes all i care about is funny i think you're like that i think i'm like that you don't think he's like that no i don't know i have no idea i have no idea but what i'm saying is um i think that that's what what he was talking about was colin i'm telling him like you you can't just like have no it was actually an interview it was an interview we were asking him

in an interview no no no no no no no it was here, no, no, no. It was here. It is. So this guy here, I'll play it. Most of the guests are mostly white males of 22 episodes. Yeah, let's get into that. But you take a look over here, Peter. What do you see? A lot of whiteys. What's going on here? But, but, oh, this really pisses me off. But go Oh, this really pisses me off. But go ahead. Really pisses me off. Well, that's okay. Go ahead.

But you made a comment on the Tina Fey episode that I thought was interesting that I'd like to get your thoughts on a little bit more. You said... You were talking to her, and you said something about female comedians. It's a struggle for them to balance their feminine projections with their comedic goals.

Yes. And in the context of comedy not gender diverse I just want to know what you meant by that well I was kind of curious what it's like to be a woman in comedy as opposed to a man there's a little bit of a difference and I thought that might be an interesting thing to discuss from her perspective she's so successful at it and I'm just wondering how she looked at it if she even thought about it and she kind of gave me the answer which is yeah you do have to think about that but you know it's

just another thing to think about okay all right yeah hold on a lot of things about the comedians and cars in the beginning the first 10 i did i think were all white males and people writing all about that which i i part of the reason why asked, people had tweeted at me when I said I'm interviewing with Jerry Seinfeld. I said, oh, ask him about the gender diversity on this show. Yeah, I mean, people think it's the census or something. I mean, this has got to represent the actual pie chart of America. Who cares? It's just funny.

You know, funny is the world that I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. And I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that, but everyone else is kind of with their little calculating, is this the exact right mix? I think that's, to me, it's anti-comedy. It's anti-comedy it's anti-comedy it's it's more about you

know PC nonsense then are you making us laugh or not right right he definitely also talked about that what he just said on Stern and but in reference Colin saying that he was gonna get get a bunch a bunch of shit about that also he's talked about it a few times yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think... I don't know. I mean... You disagree with him? I think...

I'm not going to disagree with the statement what's funny is funny. I think what somebody thinks is funny... I don't think you should just have a woman or a person who's not white on to not make people upset. I don't think that's you know I have my own feelings about like I have my stuff my old stuff what that triggers for me is going back to when I was young like real young in young in school and being funny and having,

but knowing and getting a reaction from people like, just try to be, like, nice and pretty. Like, that's what we want from you. Like, be a girl. Like, shut up. The boys are talking. We're funny. And knowing I was funnier.

Wait a minute. Why does that him saying that he doesn't believe in anything but funny trigger that in you? Because I don't believe that, that he's, um, aware or looking. I think,

I think that, um, I think that maybe he would be more likely to dismiss someone or not really pay that much attention to something other than what he's used to thinking is funny. If your favorite comedians, the people you want to have on the first season of your show, your first 10 episodes, are all one type, then that's your type. And I don't think that you can say what's, I don't think you can say what's funny is funny. Because there are plenty of comedians that go up there and kill. And I'm like, nothing. You know?

And like Chris Rock, I think I said this on here last time but he told me like i was like how was how was his set and he'll be like he killed i'm like yeah but how was it and he's like no respect the kill and like i was just talking about this with wanda sykes she was like yeah sometimes you can't and i'm like yeah sometimes you can't so it's like okay what's funny is funny what what makes what makes a room full of people, you know, tears laughing, you can say, well, they're laughing. It's funny. But to you, it's not funny. But it's not up to you.

But I can't tell you what's funny and what's not. Like, I don't think anyone can say what's funny is funny, actually. Sure you can. Because it's subjective. Right, but you say what's funny to you, and that is what's funny. So I say what's funny to you and that is what's funny so i think what's funny to him is is who he chose to have on his show i totally understand that but i don't understand why you connected to like your personal feelings on people saying everything to your personal feelings but saying that you weren't funny and you were a girl and

that you were actually saying i wasn't funny they were saying like what well they wanted you to be quiet they wanted you to be quiet and they wanted the guys to be talking and you actually funnier than them. They weren't saying I wasn't funny. They were saying like what they wanted for me. They wanted you to be quiet and they wanted the guys to be talking and you were funnier than the guys. Right, like me as a person with a personality was like dismissed. Like you're... Right.

We will come get the girls when we need them. I understand from you personally. But why does... But him, why does that, his statement had zero to do with gender or race wasn't... How can you say that has zero to do with gender or race wasn't... How can you say that has zero to do with gender or race? Because he was saying very clearly he doesn't care.

As long as you're funny, that's what he cares. You can make a statement what's funny is funny. I mean, like, that's so easy to say. Like, you just... That's such a, like, I don't care. You can just say I don't care what's funny is funny. So you're accusing him of being dishonest? No. I think that that is absolutely what he means.

I'm so confused. I love you. I don't want to get into an argument with you about this. I don't at all feel like we're in an argument. Okay, good. I want you to understand, too. What I'm saying is I believe that he believes what he's saying. But you're saying he discriminates in some way because of his choices and that his choices should reflect a broader range of human beings just to... I don't think...

I would never use the word should with what Jerry Seinfeld should be watching. So tell me how his choices bring up in you this idea that somehow or another you're personally discriminated against because i think to say what's funny is funny is like i don't think that's true um because because comedy is so subjective right like somebody it is to him right but wait let me let me like work through this um but but that's the thing right what's funny is funny to me it's like um so but but he didn't i don't think he said that i think he said what's funny is funny not what he's interested what this is he said the language i speak is funny all i'm interested in is if you're funny that's what he said right so saying that but then also choosing 10 white

male comics um for the first season of his show he's saying like sorry if you guys were funnier um other races and white and and women then you would have been on the first season of my show and i'm saying i don't think that he saying, I don't think that he's seen, I don't think that he's as open to seeing people other than that prototype. And that is what connects me to my childhood stuff. Because people are used to, this is who I'm used to being funny.

People who look like this. People who do this. And so that's why I'm connecting it. I understand. I understand what you're saying. I think you're adding a lot of extra stuff to what he's saying. And I think you're also not taking into consideration the idea that this is his individual creation, this idea of a web show, and that he has probably dozens and dozens of friends if he's doing 10 episodes and he has dozens of the greatest comedians in the world i don't think that it should be up to him to diversify his his cast neither do i so then what he said is essentially

i'm interested in are people funny if you're funny that's what i'm interested in to him that's a true statement yeah it may be very well subject subjective you might think that some of those people are not funny whereas you know there's people that think that a perfect example is gilbert godfrey there's people that think that gilbert godfrey is the funniest dude to ever walk every comedian yeah not every comedian i i know comedians no no what i'm saying is every comedian okay you can say this guy's hilarious and then someone else will say and i i don't like it when when I would never say any comedian's not funny. Like, he's not funny.

It's like, no, you don't think he's funny. Exactly. It's like everything else. It's like music. It's like movies. It's like anything else. I don't want, I don't think Seinfeld should have done anything different. And I don't, I don't, I don't think that he should have to.

I think he wants to make the show. He should make it with the people he wants. Just like Girls. That show got a bunch of shit for just having white people on. Let them make the show that they want. Right. But I'm allowed to, that's allowed to trigger something in me that I can feel like his choice to not do that. Even though he's every right and I think you should make the show you want to make.

That does trigger something in me. It's not that I wasn't on the show. When you analyze it, though, do you feel it's fair? Does it make sense objectively when you analyze your feelings inside of you? No. No. Okay. So you don't validate them. You don't try to justify them.

They're just in there. I understand them. I have a right to my feelings about it. I don't think they're right or wrong okay and i think all day long we're triggered by by people or interactions it's like why you yell at a bank teller it's like wait why did i tellers i don't go to a bank i have a business manager but you know what i mean it's like you know somebody triggers something in you and it brings up old stuff and i I think Seinfeld's so funny.

I really like him. I see him when I'm at the cellar. But seeing that, hearing him talk about it on Stern, it brings up, it does bring that up for me. And I don't think that, and I understand why it doesn't make sense to you. Well, I'm not saying that it doesn't make sense. Your feelings absolutely make sense you know we might disagree with whether or not it's valid but you seem to think that it's not even valid that it's just reality and just these are feelings that are brought up and these are

your feelings and you don't you don't justify them or rationalize them in any way i think it makes about them i think it makes perfect sense for why that would trigger that in me. Right. But as long as you don't hold him responsible for that. I don't. I don't think he should do anything different. Some people do, though. I don't.

I mean, there's a lot of, well, that's good. You have a very healthy attitude about it. I mean, I really don't. I think what's funny is funny is, I think that statement should, and maybe it did, and I just didn't catch it, but it should include what's funny to me is funny to me. Because saying what's funny is funny. I think that was implied. You know, he's saying my interest is, I'm interested in what's funny. I don't know.

Some people speak with like a lot of authority about a lot of things. And I don't know, I've never heard him say this, but I think some people can act like they are the decider of what's funny and what's not. And I don't think, you know, I've had a great reaction. Like, I feel very lucky and, like, work has paid off and people come to see me. And I make people laugh i think but um someone's like i don't like your stand-up i'm like sure if they're like you're not funny i'm like no that's not true right okay i get all that

personal shit but i think you might be applying it in this situation in a way that's like you're adding a bunch of stuff to what he said. You know, I really think you have to take into consideration. What did I add to what he said? Well, just the feelings. Like just connecting it to him saying that, you know, or him being some sort of an arbiter of what's funny. You know what I should add into the mix here? You're PMSing?

No. No. But, again, that is something that nature creates. It's not my fault that we're punished for. Like, why are you being crazy? Like, do you think I want to feel crazy? Am I like, ooh, can I please like bleed once a month and feel insane? Because that's what I want. No. And I think I might be PMS. No. And I think I might be PMS. No, but I also, you know, I've been past it. I've been working at the comedy cellar for seven years now and been a stand up for 10. And I also, you know, I have interactions with with Seinfeld once in a while. And so this isn't just me seeing the comedian Jerry Seinfeld has a television, has a web series, and he didn't use... I'm not just reading these headlines. I also have, like, you know... Personal experiences with him that lead you to believe he thinks in a certain way.

Just, like... and you know what? These are, I'm sure they're unfounded, what they trigger in me. But you can't help that stuff. People do it to me all day. I know I look like somebody you went to high school with that was annoying or a bitch or something. And people just don't, eh. And you're like, it's not my fault,

but you're not wrong. You know? So, yeah. So when I see that video and what's funny is funny, I do feel like kind of like he's dismissing, not by the choice to just use white male comics in the first season of your show. Like, do your thing.

Do whatever you want, of course. But, you know, it does bring up feelings in me, which that's okay. Yeah, I mean, as long as you're not blaming him and all you're just doing is being honest about your feelings. And sometimes people trigger feelings in people unintentionally. I'm not blaming him for anything. Things are going like i have of course but i'm saying that doesn't mean that those feelings are invalid if something triggers those feelings it doesn't mean that this look life triggers shit in people you know you watch an eagle snatch a fawn and and fly off with

it oh you might freak out but guess what it's tough shit that's yeah people people will like lash out at me like a girl when i was opening for a towel she would write to me like i know you're having sex with him like i was like what he's my friend and i opened this is a girl that was uh dating or just some crazy girl fan and it was like i know like she had created this whole thing and i people reach out that was me by the way under was it you yeah but i just are you and tell fucking but when people like are mad about something like that you know i i would like right like or i would just think like i hope she's okay you know like this is good for you but it's not me i'd hope she get hit in the head by a fucking meteor i too many people um but i'm just like you know people like will feel real strong about things that make no sense or they have sort of no

business um like it doesn't yeah just like doesn't make any sense but it's like so you feel that way and that's okay i think i think he obviously he's an amazing comic and made one of my favorite television shows ever and um and it does it and it's allowed to it's allowed to trigger something in me that he made that statement. I understand what you're doing. I mean you're also trying to dance around your words and be very fair about all this. It's a very tricky subject. It's a bold one to sort of take on. I work with these people.

Yeah. No, I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying. And I'm glad you don't think that I think in that way at all. I try to be – But I think it triggers something in you because you're mad that people were mad him a hard time yeah so why what was that because i don't think that you should be forced to hang around with anybody other than the people that you choose to hang around with whether it's cast them on your own television show or whether it's put them on your

podcast or whether it's go with on the road with them yeah whatever annoying it's stupid i don't think you should have to but i don't love that he didn't naturally want to do that. And I'm allowed to feel that way. But naturally wanting to do something doesn't, I don't think he had enough choices. Like, let's say. Well, then that, I mean, that's a different conversation. Well, this is the whole conversation because there's only 10 spots. I mean, how many people does he love that are in those 10 spots and why do one or two of them have to be women?

Who was on the first season? I don't know. I don't know. Can you look? I have no idea. I really have only watched two of them. I watched the one with not Eddie Izzard. I watched one with Lucy Kay on the boat. What's homeboy Eddie, the other Eddie. Other English Eddie. God damn it.

Famous guy. Not Eddie Izzard. The other one. Oh no. Of course. The English Eddie. God damn it. Famous guy. Not Eddie Izzard. The other one. Eddie Murph. Oh no. Of course. The English guy. What the fuck is his name? Eddie the English guy who's not Who is that other famous English guy? That fucking other comedian that's on all the time.

He must be one of the ten funniest people alive. What is his name Jamie? Who's the other? I was on Opie and Anthony with him. Jesus fucking Christ. I can't believe I can't remember his name Eddie Oh my god Come on he's one of the ten funniest people alive Ricky Gervais

Thank you Ricky Gervais Jesus fucking Christ Oh man that's so funny that you knew Thank you very much Amy Schumer's sister comes in the clutch I can't believe Sorry Ricky Gervais I love that she was your interpreter

Sorry I said Eddie I was so blown away by Eddie Izzard's accomplishment of running 1,000 miles. He stained my brain. What's the name of the show? The Office? No, his... Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee?

Is that what you're asking? Okay, so he, the 10 funniest Ricky Gervais. The only one I saw, I saw Ricky Gervais and I saw Letterman. Those are the two that I've seen. He's had a bunch of them. Alec Baldwin, Larry David, Brian Regan. He had a bunch of his friends. I mean, that's really essentially what he had.

He had 10 of his friends. And they happened to be all white guys. Yeah, I think that triggers... Chris Rock was on there too, though. I guess, was that season one? Yeah. Season two, Chris Rock was on season two. Where's season one?

And then there's Louis C.K. in there. And Sarah Silverman's in there in season two Okay, season one These are the What's funny is funny The ten funniest people Michael Richards, Carl Reiner, Mel Brooks Can't argue that one ever

Colin Quinn and Mario Joyner There's a black guy There's a black guy By the way, Mario Joyner is You know, a good friend of his He's hilarious Hilarious comedian Look, I don't think he's having meetings

I just He's putting people on that he thinks is funny Those are the people he got You know, a good friend of his and hilarious comedian. Look, I don't think he's having meetings. I just... He's putting people on that he thinks is funny. Those are the people he got. You know, I don't know. Barry... I can see what you're saying, but I don't think you're dealing with a large enough focus group.

I would never put somebody on my show because I thought they filled, like, some diversity count. You know, like, I think everybody should be able to do... have whatever. If you, if you never had girls ever on your podcast, that's your choice.

And I would have feelings about it. And not because you should have to have them because I like, I love that you love women and think women are funny. And that's not how everybody feels. It's not all of them though.

I like the funny ones. I know. But I'm saying that's, that's something that you notice. That's not all of them though. I like the funny ones. I know. But I'm saying that's something that you notice. That's the men too though. Because there are still men who are just like, eh, the women in the clubs.

I swear, that's still a thing. Yeah. And I don't think that Seinfeld even feels that way. I was going back to what I was saying about Judy Gold is that the conversation that we had about

this interview that I did was what I was trying to say in the interview was that I think it's it's a way more difficult proposition. Not saying that women can't be funnier or better or you know more clever but I think that starting out there's reactions that a lot of people have that are prejudiced against women they don't necessarily have against men. When a woman goes on stage, I feel like she's a point behind, at least one, right away, especially if she goes on stage and she has any sort of opinions about politics or sexuality or anything. I mean, a lot of times women are forced in a lot of ways to be self-deprecating at a level that a man isn't

just to sort of get in the door well a guy doesn't want to listen to you unless he thinks he could definitely fuck you there's that maybe for some people i don't know i don't even believe that i don't even believe that but some guys yeah but um i think uh i think jud Judy's hilarious. I think, you know, you know, I, I,

I'm not, like, I'm looking, I'm, I'm looking at you and we're having this conversation. And, um, I think like men are,

are all triggered by women in general. Cause it's like, who's the woman you've known the longest? Your mom. And when she would talk too much. Men are triggered by women in general. I think like who's the woman you've known the longest your mom and when she would talk to my women in general i think when women talk yeah when when like a woman is talking longer than you like it can it can just yeah i think i think what about when a man's talking longer you want to beat the shit out of them it's a completely different reaction really yeah when men are talking along you're like dude shut the shut the fuck up. It's an aggressively assaulting on your senses sort of thing. When a guy is like overbearing and talks too much, men get angry.

Men might get bored. Everybody gets bored if anybody has shitty social cues. If they're boring and monotonous and self-obsessed and they don't understand the ins and the outs of a conversation, the ebb and flow of two people enjoying each other's company. If one person's just yapping at you like I'm doing right now, just yapping at you, I'm not even letting you talk. No, you are. What are you talking about?

I think you're right. I think when you go on a stage as a woman, when you start out, you have a strike against you. Yes, more than one, I think. But I have enjoyed that strike. I kind of miss it because it was really fun to go up there and surprise everybody. It still is. Right.

So, like, your first joke, you get off. Boom, they start laughing. They're like, wait a minute. You feel the tension leave the room. And then you're like, yeah. Yeah. Then they have their confidence. When I got eliminated from Last Comic Standing because I just, they're bringing that show back.

How dare they? I know. Who's hosting it? JB. Smooth. Oh, really? Yeah. Did he host the last ones?

No. JB Smooth is fucking hilarious. He's so funny. I got a great story about him. But they showed me a clip. One of my worst bombings ever. Was what? Following JB?

No, I went on before him oh my god he was supposed to go on first and i was supposed to go on second we were working together in new jersey and he got lost i got lost too it was a really hard place to find it was some weird fucking college in new jersey so um the show was already like 20 minutes late and you know jb's not here and i got there late and they said we're gonna wait for him to come why don't you have a seat in the rec room so i sit down in the rec room and i start watching this documentary on the malibu fires and oh my god is it depressing people who lost their homes and this kid was calling out for their dog they were hoping their dog made it and they're walking smoldering fucking embers of their house and they're walking

around rusty where are you rusty they're calling out for a dog and then this guy comes down and he was a fireman and he didn't even lose his house they saved his house but his neighbors lost their house and this guy was weeping i mean openly weeping he was talking about how this house is all he has and then he saved for 40 years to build this house and this was his house and he was talking about how this house is all he has and then he saved for 40 years to build this house and this was his house and he was so worried he was going to lose this house and he feels bad that he's happy that he kept his house because his neighbors lost their house then he's fucking crying and weeping and they go okay jb smooth is still not here so we're gonna have you go on stage so can you go on stage now and i was like yeah okay okay

yeah let me just get a water and i'll go on stage and i just went on stage and just i ate the shit buffet of my life and my girlfriend was with me you know and i tried to explain it to her why she had seen me doing well before but i tried to explain to her like i i go there's no i was just not gonna do good there's no way i would do good yeah I just it was horrible horrible experience so I went up there and just ate plates of shit and then JB Smooth shows up after me and destroys just levels the place yeah and they were so happy to see him because I was so terrible yeah oh it was awful and they were like he was really funny at NACA I swear he's funny like I'd hear them talking when I got off stage about how bad I was. That's the worst.

The people that booked it, they were trying to say at the convention he was very funny. We liked him. He was really funny. That's why we bought him. And then I go, I'm sorry. I watched that thing on the fires. They go, why'd you do that? Yeah, that's not smart.

I'm like, you fucking sat me in that room with a TV. That was on. I didn't flip the channel to that shit. That just was on. Oh, my God. I with a TV, and that was on. I didn't flip the channel to that shit. That just was on. Oh, my God. I learned a lesson, though. It's valuable what you have in your mind right before you go on stage.

Yeah. It's very, very, very important. Yeah. I've done it more than one times where I've gone on stage after seeing something awful. Oh, precious is on. Let's just catch this

while they're introducing you. Read a book about the Kennedy assassination once, all day. Read this book all day read this book all day for like 10 hours and then went on stage and just ate dick just chomp chomp chomp chomp just couldn't be funny i was like they fucking killed kennedy they fucking killed kennedy okay the casket was empty okay there's a different in the autopsy report for i was fucking ranting to anybody who wanted to listen to me now you're're just listening to Eye of the Tiger, watching Home Alone.

No, now I just try to be relaxed and have fun. I have a bunch of different songs that I like to listen to. I like to listen to fun music and have my friends around, but no negativity. Even if something negative happens, I'm not getting in there. Everybody has to have good energy. Yeah, but I'm not getting in there. I got to have good energy. Yeah, but I'm not getting in there. I got to go see you. Giggle all the way out of there.

Yeah. My rocks and fucking torches are being thrown my way. You got to know what to let in and what not to let in right before you go on stage. True. Super important. Especially when people pay to see you. Yeah. You know, someone's going out there to see Amy Schumer.

You can't go on stage. It's their weekend. Yeah. I try to do the best I've ever done every time. That's huge. That's everything. I mean, that's what endears you to fans. There's no other way around it.

And you remember what it was like when you were a fan. Yeah. You know, Bill Burr was on the podcast, and he said it best in sort of his own Bill Burr-type language. He goes, I remember when I was a kid, I'd go see a band. And then you go see him a year later and they fucking phone it in they just they fuck you i never forgot you know and i just uh i make a deal with people i'm not gonna fuck you i'm not gonna find no i'm not gonna fuck you i'm gonna write new jokes i'm not gonna fuck you i'm gonna work hard he's one of the yeah the best but he's

a real artist you know i mean he's really that guy he's he's really a great comic i mean that's what he's supposed to do in this life. He found the perfect occupation. He's fantastic at it, and he's got a real ethic for it. There's a gang of them right now. There's guys, people that people haven't heard of, like Christina Pazitsky and Tom Segura is gaining steam. Those guys are gaining steam.

Their podcast is gaining steam. And then there's people that people forgot about, like Attell. Att you know tell and bilber are my like i would pay to see them above everybody else right now me it's stanhope i pay stanhope over everybody he's my boy he's so funny yeah well there's a great a bunch of great ones right now chelsea peretti i think is like i need to see her you have to see her i need to see her. Joey Diaz is my all-time favorite, though. If I had to choose one comic, the last set that I ever got to see in my life before the fucking Great Meteor lands, it's Diaz. That's a tell for me. Diaz, smoking a joint on stage, talking about his balls.

Just heaven. Just take this plane right down. Are you enjoying doing your show? Yeah. Is it stressful? Yeah, it's a lot of work, but it's worth it. Yeah? Yeah.

But it's a lot of work, but the result, you're enjoying the process. You're enjoying the whole- I enjoy the process of making it. Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Yeah. It's getting great reviews.

It is. It is. Yeah. You're saying like, yeah. It is. Well, yeah, because I was like, I'm going to make this show that I think is really funny. And I didn't know if people were going to be into it or not. Well, there's a lot of darkness on your show.

Well, have you met me? Of course. Yeah, it's, yeah. Well, you're a happy, dark person. It's an unusual type of darkness. It's not overwhelming. Oh, okay, good. It's not overbearing is the better word.

Yeah. You know, it's a fun darkness. Yeah. I like to have fun, but I do. Yeah, my mind goes dark. But it's not like, yeah like to have fun but I do my mind goes dark do you face any resistance subject matter wise or the things you want to cover

no I don't think so not really well that's awesome yeah but then it's like a lot of pressure on you because they're like okay the network no notes like this season we were like we don't think you should be bleeping the word pussy and they were like all right we were like what like don't be

a pussy or my pussy either whoa it can't be sexual hmm well then it's never my pussy no it is my pussy my pussy hurts yeah that's sexual does Well, it depends on how you say it. Yeah. Well, that black dick. Damn, my pussy hurts. Yeah, no. Right. My pussy hurts.

Then it's just like, oh, she's just talking about her pussy. So they said yes to that? Yeah, it's not bleeped. And we were like, what? That's fantastic. It's awesome. Why not? Welcome to the internet.

That's so crazy. Okay, and the internet exists. You can't just fucking pretend those words aren't being bantered around like one of those badminton birds. People are just tossing pussy around these days. It's a different world. I know I am. Yeah.

It's a different world, right? You know, that's all self-imposed. All their restrictions on language are completely self-imposed. But, I mean, people, yeah, they're just, like, scared. They don't want to lose their job. But I really appreciate them doing that. Well, it's not they lose their job. It's losing advertising revenue.

And the revenue they're getting from you is you're already a controversial comedian. You're already tackling dangerous subject matter. Like Seinfeld. Ha! You're throwing it at him. Oh, shit. I see what you're doing. Please.

He doesn't do this. Funny is funny, right? Whatever, whatever. Funny is funny. So what about shit? Shit flies too, right? What do you mean? You could say bullshit, right? I think there's a, I heard the phrase tonnage issue.

I think you can say shit like a couple times. Oh, yeah. Now, if your show airs late at night, like after a certain time, do they have a difference in what they bleep and what they don't? Because I know they do with stand-up. Yeah, totally. You can, yeah, there's a lot less ble they do with stand-up. Yeah, totally. There's a lot less bleeps after.

There's subject matter restrictions, though, even in the unbleeped one. What's interesting, they bleep some shit out. When they aired my stand-up special, my last special, they bleeped some shit out of the earlier stuff. Thank you. They bleeped some shit out of the earlier stuff that they edited out of the unedited stuff yeah

like they decided like without the bleeping it's just it's just yeah this gay marriage time machine bit i have wait what i love that you did it you did in atlanta right yeah yeah why why did you choose atlanta i love atlanta you love it i love it too it's an awesome city yeah it's one of those cities that people don't they sleep on it it. Yeah. They sleep on Atlanta. Atlanta's a great city. Those people are ready to go nuts. It's a very diverse city too. Yeah.

There's a lot of diversity in Atlanta. There's a lot of like, there's a lot of alternative people as far as like tattooed up and piercings. There's a lot of like real Southern people. There's a lot of black people. A lot of black like people that are professionals. Like a lot of black lawyers, you run into a lot of black, like more. So I think you see more integration of black and white folks hanging out and partying together. You know, I see that more in Atlanta than I do almost anywhere. And I'm sure racism still exists. I'm not naive, but I think that I, I enjoy the diversity when I go out in Atlanta. I think it's a good feeling.

So much so that I've thought about living there. There's a lot of nonsense in Atlanta, too. There's a bunch of people who move to Atlanta, like celebrities have houses there. It's not a bad spot. That's how I feel about New Orleans. I feel like it's the same vibe there. It's everybody, age, race, nothing matters. Everybody's just hanging out.

Well, I think whenever you have people that are more inclined to be partying, you think whenever you have people that are more inclined to be partying you're gonna have people that are more inclined to be fun you know I mean that's just

the reality of the world that we live in and you can pretend to be noble by like what you were talking about earlier by abstaining from

sex or abstaining from things that you enjoy drinking yeah you can pretend to be noble but let's get the fuck over that

this is nonsense let's just like hang out have some drinks and have fun right who's gonna be more inclined to do that is people that are more comfortable with it. Yeah. You know?

I love that place. It's great. Look, the less restrictions people have, the more I think people can come to a comfortable state on their own without being oppressed. Because that oppression is always going to make people spring back in the other way. If you tell people they can't drink, they want to drink more. Tell people they can't fuck they they fuck behind every goddamn closed door you can find i know i went to catholic school oh i dated this girl in catholic school and i talk about her this poor girl could not she could not help herself if you rolled a dick down it was like

a ball of yarn in front of a kitten she would just dive on it she didn't know what she was doing she would dive on it like a crazy person like she she literally like it's unfair if a guy pulled his cock out in front of her because for her it was just like a fucking leprechaun showed up at the bottom of the rainbow i was like look i've got the gold it's right here suppression suppression catholic suppression all that so funny crazy human beings don't like to be told. Like, I have children and I have daughters. And I see it very clearly. When you tell them what to do, they go, I want to do it anyway. But if you rationalize with them and have conversations with them and say, listen, you can't do it because it's raining outside and it gets dangerous and this is electricity.

And electricity causes sparks, so you can't do it. You can't go outside with this. Oh, okay. But I want to. I know. It looks like fun. It looks great right it. You can't go outside with this. Oh, okay. But I want to. I know. It looks like fun. It looks great right now. You got to go to bed.

But I want to stay awake. But you got to be up in eight hours and you're going to be really tired. I know you want to get up. But listen, just relax. We'll read some stuff. I have these rationalization conversations with them to try to avoid that backlash

that comes from being an overbearing parent or an overbearing teacher. Yeah. Those that people don't like that shit. No. Nobody likes you telling them what to do. No.

Just the way it is. Right. That's why suppression doesn't work in any form, whether it's sexual suppression or making, you know, alcohol difficult to get a hold of. People want it. They want it even more. Look what the fuck is going on in Portugal. You know, they decriminalize all drugs and they have way

lower uh cases of um of um uh hiv way lower cases of addiction they're they're all these numbers dropped their society like leveled out because there wasn't this massive stigma attached to all this stuff anymore i did not know that yeah it's over the last nine years you want to take a vacation there i don't mean why not why not port i just i would probably i i think if you go somewhere another country i mean the only unless i go for work i would at least want to acquire a rudimentary grasp of the language yeah just out of respect yeah that's tough like it's very hard poor cheese even in spain like you think you speak spanish and they're like, no, bitch, actually, you suck.

Well, in France, apparently, everybody talks shit about the French, but from my experience or my friends' experiences that I've talked to them, they say as long as you try, as long as you make some effort to communicate with them, they're very polite. What they don't like is Americans are like, how much is this? Can I give you American money? And they shake it in front of their face. In Spain, you would say something in Spanish and they would answer you in English.

Oh, really? Yeah, they're like, shut up. But yeah, but they didn't respect that. Like, psych. Yeah. Yeah, sorry. ¿Cuánto cuesta? They're like, $20.

I'm like, oh. I'm like, okay. Did you like Spain? Do you like Spain? Yeah, I loved it. My buddy Chris lived there for a few years Where? He lived in Barcelona

Yeah, I almost broke up with a guy Because he used the Castilian lisp And it was just the two of us I swear What is the Castilian lisp? Barcelona Oh, is that how they say it? Yeah, but like

Not if you're from Jersey Wait a minute, over there they say it yeah but like barcelona not if you're from jersey wait a minute over there they say barcelona yeah really i didn't know that i mean not all over spain but if you're in barcelona they do it yeah barcelona and it's called the castilian lisp yeah that's fascinating that's i learned a new thing from Amy Schumer. I had no idea that was the case. Like we've talked for probably 30 hours total and that's like. That's the newest of the new things. I'm sure I've learned some things in the past. Let me review them. Don't get touchy.

Well, he said that he never learned anything from me and he was implying that I was a dumb girl. And that's what I felt. That was what it triggered. Is that me? Is that me? I'm just fucking with you. Come on.

I know, girl. We're friends. I learned Bartholonew Lisp. Bartholonew. A Castilian Lisp. me is that me i'm just fucking with you come on we're friends you know i learned barcelona lisp barcelona a castilian lisp imagine like you're just talking to your girlfriend and she knows you're from new jersey and all of a sudden just the two of you and you're like oh barcelona and you're like um barcelona say it right say it bitch you know who we are. Oh my God. I was like, please. España. Yeah, España. When next time we go to España. Wait, what?

What? You mean Spain? The fuck are you saying? You're from Trenton. España. You know, I believe when you're over there in the culture, you should immerse yourself. I'm like, we're in a hotel room and it's just the two of us. There's a lot of annoying fucking people out there, Amy Schumer.

But if it wasn't for them, we would have less to talk about. Very true. We wouldn't have as much fun doing comedy. We have to air our grievances on a microphone in front of drunk people. Yeah. Well, not only that, there's a give and a take to the universe. And if everything was all blissful, we would have literally nothing to talk about or talk shit about on stage. Well, thank God it's far from that.

Without chaos, we wouldn't exist, Amy Schumer. Okay. We would not exist as comedians. There would be no need for us. If everyone achieved enlightenment, we're a dinosaur. We just don't know it yet. As soon as the fucking machine plugs in and everybody becomes one, the transcendental mind, universal mind mesh happens due to technology,

we're out of business. You've got to stock up all this inside Amy Schumer money now while you can. Okay. Cause once the fucking singularity hits, you and I are fucked. When's the singularity hit? Any day now. Probably 2049, but any day now it could happen. I need to get some sneakers. You need some ones, dude from

Silicon Valley, or one gal, or one guy in another country is gonna come up with something. Some fucking invention that's going to change the whole game and flip it right on its head. And we're all going to be able to read each other's minds and there will be no more jokes.

I'm more worried that I forgot to Tivo Divas on E! this week. I think you can probably get that on demand. We live in a new era. You can get a lot on demand. Sorry, I freaked out for a second. A lot of shows are going on demand. I see what you did there. You diffused with comedy.

Isn't that what we're doing? I think that's what we're doing. We're good at it. Inside Amy Schumer. It's on tomorrow night, right? It seems more like an interview than any conversation I've ever had with you. No. Oh, well, it's usually like a bunch of animals in here.

Well, no. It's just the breaking down the mindset, you know, like how you hear your thought process. I love talking to you, too. Glad we do it more often. Yeah. Still, when are you back here again? I'm here the next two weeks and then I'm not here for a while. Well, I miss you.

You going back to New York? Yeah. Escaping with the money? Leaving with our milk and honey. That's right. Going back to your dirty city on the other side of the world. Bringing back the gold. Oh, it's not cold there anymore.

You can return to your lair. That's right. Dragging my sack of coins. Enjoy. You're hedging your bets against earthquakes, but only living here a few months out of the year. I see what you're doing. God.

Are you scared? Yeah. Me too. I just had my first one. It was not fun. I think my pool's broken. I'm so sorry. Oh, my God.

I'm fine. I'm rich. Don't worry about it. Oh, my God. But wait, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. I think my pool's broken. I'm like, oh, no. I don't know what kind of gas my yawn takes.

I noticed a crack in it the other day. I'm like, the earthquake got me, these bitches. These motherfuckers. These motherfuckers and their earthquake. The really crazy thing is those poor, crazy assholes that live on those hills. Like, when you go through Laurel and you drive up the canyon and you see these people that are literally perched on these stilts. What are you going to do?

It's crazy. I watched one house fall apart when I first moved here. It wasn't a really big earthquake. It was a small. You know what, actually? I want to say it might not have even been an earthquake. It was a landslide. And it was a landslide and it was a landslide um on uh on

laurel canyon like as you're going up if you're headed towards the improv if you're going up the valley on the right hand side there's this house that the back of it just came down and just crushed the house and it was only that house on the street so i'm pretty sure it was just a local landslide just destroyed this entire house pushed Pushed it off its foundation. It happened really recently in Malibu too. Like over the last couple of years, there was a neighborhood where these people got woken up in the middle of the night. These bang, bang noises.

And it was their house breaking apart and falling down the hill. And they escaped. They ran out of the house just in time. Half their house went tumbling into the canyon. How do you sleep? Like a baby. You do? You really do? Like a baby. You do? You really do?

Like a bear, like a hibernated bear. Like a bear that got shot with a tranquilizer dart. God, because I feel like your mind, like I just. I run out of gas, though. I run out of gas. I just burn it out. That's what happens to me after 10 minutes on stage. I'm just like, all right.

We're going to get out of here. I'm going to work out at midnight, and then I'll work out for like an hour or so. And then I'll be exhausted by the time 2 o'clock in the morning rolls out. And then I'm out. Yo. And then how long do you sleep? When do you wake up?

Eight hours. I like to sleep eight hours. Tomorrow I've got to get up a little bit early because I've got to do some ESPN type shit. Oh, nice. I've got to talk about some fights, upcoming fights on Fox this weekend. I'm also a Fox analyst. I don't know if you know. I'm a sports analyst. I don't know if you know, I'm a sports analyst.

I can't, no, I do. I can't believe, like, yeah, why, you're like,

you're Beyonce. I'm more impressed with you than Eddie Izzard. Are you sure? No, definitely not. Her or Eddie Izzard runs marathons.

I'm just talking. It's a lot harder to run than marathons. I wouldn't do it. But you use your mind, like, you know, I get tired playing

chess like i if somebody's like oh this like stuff with the the plane like i just my mind just shuts off it's just too much for me to process and i'm just like easy easy easy but you don't get tired when you're working on your show right i mean you do but you're so enthusiastic about it right yeah i get no yeah okay totally the same thing it's completely exactly the same thing it's just like a different mindset well it's just what are you you're not passionate about chess so if you're playing chess you're like oh my god i'm investing too much energy in this fuck this but if you're working on your show trying to put a sketch i'm like very meticulous and serious about it yeah it's the same thing with me i'm just lucky that there's like more than one thing that i do

like you know between the comedy and the podcasting and the ufc stuff they're all just fun things to me yeah so it's just a bunch of fun shit to do. And talk to my friend Amy. That's a fun shit too. Thank you. Thank you. No thank you. No thank you.

Have fun in Orlando. We're going to have a good time. Me and Mad Flavor, a.k.a. Joey Diaz. Inside Amy Schumer is on Tuesdays at 8 p.m. 10.30. 10.30. What time LA time? Is it East Coast, West Coast thing? I think so. They air it over like twice? Yeah. They air it.m.? 10.30. 10.30. What time LA time? Is it East Coast, West Coast thing?

I think so. They air it over like twice. Yeah. They air it East Coast. 10.30. I got the direct TV, you know, so sometimes some of the things. Well, some of the things air on East Coast time. Yeah.

What I'm trying to say is check your local listings, ladies and gentlemen. Inside Amy Schumer. Who else is on that lineup on Tuesday night on Comedy Central? It follows Tosh. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah. Oh, what a great wave. It's a sweet spot.

Oh, that is the spot. That's like the spot after Friends used to be on Thursday night on NBC. What show was that? A bunch of shitty ones. Oh, shit. Caroline in the City. It was terrible. Oh, my God.

Caroline in the City. Yeah. Caroline the Shitty, they used to call it. Oh, that's fucked up. She was nice, too. I can picture that show. It just wasn't a good show. It was better than The Single Guy, though. Remember that one? Yeah. Caroline the Shitty, they used to call it. Oh, that's fucked up. She was nice too. I can picture that show. It just wasn't a good show. It was better than The Single Guy, though. Remember that one? Yeah.

Harmony. Jesus. Remember Herman's Head? I loved that show. Don't remember. I blocked it out. Really? Yeah, like a finger-banging Catholic school. You got finger-banged in Catholic school? No, I didn't, but I blocked it out as if it was that.

I don't even know. Probably was a good show. I'm just? No, I didn't, but I blocked it out as if it was that. I mean, no. Probably was a good show. I'm just talking shit. I don't remember it at all. Literally. Tuesday night, 10.30. All right, we're done. Thank you.

Thank you. You're awesome. amyschumer.com. Is that your website? Yeah. Okay, beautiful. Go there, everybody, and follow her on Twitter.

S-C-H-U-M-E-R. Yeah, thank you. Amy Schumer in the fucking house. Beautiful. Thanks. That was fun. Thank you. And thanks to our sponsors.

Thanks to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. Go to Onnit.com, use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements. Thanks also to Stamps.com. Go to Stamps.com and use the code word JRE for your beautiful $110 bonus offer. Delicious and nutritious. Stamps.com. Thanks also to Squarespace. Go to Squarespace.com and enter the code word Joe for a free trial and 10% off your first purchase of the most awesome website-building website known to man. Okay, we'll be back tomorrow.

We've got a lot of shit going on this week, ladies and gentlemen. Tomorrow is The Fighter and the Kid with Brendan Schaub and Brian Callen. And then on Wednesday, David Seaman returns, and we're going to have a lot of fun. So much love to everybody. Big kiss. Oh, Wednesday night, Ice House. We're doing a 10 p.m. show at the Ice House.

So far, it's Ari Shafir, Duncan Trussell, Tony Hinchcliffe, and me. I'm sure more people will be added. 10 p.m. show, 15 bucks. Can't go wrong. In your life, if you live and you love comedy, you must go to the Ice House, even if I'm not there. Anybody there at one time. It's the oldest comedy club in the country.

It's in Pasadena. It's been there since 61. All right, go fuck yourself. We'll see you soon.