The Joe Rogan Experience - #492 - Dave Attell

Episode Date: April 29, 2014

Dave Attell is a stand-up comedian, writer and actor. Dave's new TV Show "Comedy Underground with Dave Attell" airs Saturday nights on Comedy Central and his latest special called "Road Work" is available at http://daveattell.com

Dave, motherfuckin' a tell What's up, man? Thanks for having me. No, no, thanks for being here, man. Please. I love it. You know, can I say it? Like, this is the third location that we've done this podcast. We're sneaky, dog. It's cool. We keep moving. I'm moving again, son.

You're moving around, man. I'm planning my next escape. Well, what I'm also doing is I'm slowly building a man cave. And the next one's gonna have an archery range. This one has a pool table, but I've decided that I need a full warehouse. An archery way to go. And I'm going to do it Corolla style. Adam Corolla has a soundproof podcast studio.

He's amazing. He's a carpenter. Yes, he is. He's like a master carpenter. He really knows his shit. So he builds everything. He built his own desk That he communicates out of You know

Their podcast desk He built like the walls Where he has like This plexiglass thing That separates them From the producers It's like really Fucking high tech shit

But I was there last week I was there a couple days ago Something like that And you're absolutely right It's like a building I've never seen anything like it Inside the building

He built this Like a You know Like a contained thing right he's a bad motherfucker that guy i think constantly going to he's a renaissance man yeah i mean he's he's got so many like things that he's really knowledgeable about like cars talk to that guy about cars he does a car podcast cars uh woodcrafting yeah and then boxing he knows a lot about boxing man he's a really good boxer.

I saw him teaching a guy, an MMA guy. I believe it was Uriah Faber. I'm pretty sure. He was holding the mitts for him and giving him instruction.

He's a fucking really good boxer. He really knows his shit. Well-rounded. Very weird dude, that Adam Carolla. I can't think of

another Adam Carolla. You know what I'm saying? Yes. I can't think of another David Tell either, but you're right here and I don't want to make

you uncomfortable. I don't want to start talking about you like that. I've got some big shoes to fill, which Adam probably could make shoes. He makes his own shoes. Following Adam's cred.

He probably kills his own cows, hammers them up on the barn. You like this belt? Yeah. I did it myself. Leather. Tans the hides. Yeah, he's very fucking knowledgeable about houses, and he's got that show now on Spike

where they bust people who are bad contractors. Oh, cool. To catch a contractor. Have you seen it? That's doing like God's work, because that's a hard deal, man. I know that myself. You got a guy in. Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker.

He was on, what is that show? I guess it was Loveline. And he had Ty Pennington, the guy who builds those houses. And he started quizzing him about questions about how to build houses. But the guy's a TV show host. He probably knows a little bit about houses because he's around them. But he didn't get the gig because he's a contractor. So Carolla starts throwing all these questions at him.

The fucking dude didn't know shit. He, well, just the name alone, Ty Pennington. You know, this guy doesn't know his way around drywall or anything like that. That's a little too fancy. I would say he'd either be an awesome baseball player or maybe a figure skater. Yeah, or butler in between the two. Ty Pennington could be a butler. He could run a butler service.

Ty! If you went over to someone's party and they had a butler, would you just turn around? It really would depend what kind of butler it is. If it's the old English type, I'd love it. But if it's like this new kind of like, you know, wigger kid hanging out, yeah, my name's Butler. I wouldn't like it. That could be a new gig. People with great personalities that walk you around at their party.

Temporary butler gig you know i think uh you know the cool thing about uh out here you know i'm east coast is that like when you come out here everybody has somebody helping them do something and you and you really do need it because all the driving and stuff like that and like uh you know i was in my hotel and like my door wasn't working so the guy came down to help me out. And then he's like, oh man, I don't know how to do doors. So I had to get the other guy. So I'm like, even he has like a little assistant.

You know, I really, I really, you know, I don't know. I'm always mystified when I come out here, the amount of jobs there are. There's like jobs in LA that aren't anywhere else, you know. Well, there's a number, the numbers of humans here is insane. Yes. Like LA is not the biggest city, per se. But it's the biggest area, because it's not really one city. It's like you never get away.

You keep going. It goes deeper and deeper and deeper as far as, like, traffic and population. Do you know how, like, if you're in New York, once you get outside of New York and then you hit Connecticut, like, things lighten up substantially. Exactly. You know, the amount of people that you see lightens up, it spreads out, cities are less populated. That's not the case with LA. Not at all.

I know that I'm kind of out of LA when I see a party store center, like a party store center, and no one's there. Then I know, I'm like, I must be heading to Sacramento or I'm in the meth area of California. I don't know what it is. Yeah, dollar stores. Yeah, one of those weird, you know, whatever. A weird cell phone company that no one understands how they're selling cell phones. Like cell phone repo shop or something like that.

You know, they have those weird little ones at those strip malls. We're like, what are they doing there? Are they selling cell phones? All like cool calling cards. Like, you know, it's like you can talk to Nairobi and that's it. You know, there's no other place where this phone works.

Those little stalls that they have at the mall are another one too. It's like, you know, you could buy a phone right here. Yeah. You're just going to set it up here.

Like, we're out in the middle of everything. I know, yeah. How can you fucking, you don't even have an office. You're just going to turn my phone on here? This is crazy. I love the kiosk people because, you know, I'm like, I'm kind of Russian looking, and

I always feel like that's my next gig. Working a kiosk. You know, flying a remote control helicopter no one needs. That would actually be a good show. You think? Yeah. If you had a camera on you, just set up a camera and leave it there, and you sell cell phone covers, those glittery cell phone covers. Yeah, you need one of those.

But everybody goes, it's David Tell. You're David Tell. Like, yeah, this is my new show. Made some bad choices. Here I am. Do you want one or not? No, this is your show. I really think that a really funny guy like yourself would be enjoyable

if that was the only show. You would find the funny in it just by talking to different people sure if you did it a few hours a day i guarantee you would get more funny out of that than your average sitcom if you filmed four days of just a few hours a day yeah it would be hilarious by like day three you would have an act you would already know like how to you know things that you could say to people that were hilarious on camera. But, you know, here's the rub, because, you know, I'm older now, and, like, I have to go to the bathroom pretty much, like, every 35 minutes. So who would watch my kiosk?

Well, you get one of those things that dudes use when they race car drive. Oh. It's like a condom catheter. You wrap that baby over your pecker. Oh, I'd wear, like, a diaper or something. Okay. No, it's like, it's a condom. Okay. It goes over your neck. Okay neck and it goes into a bag.

And you can keep the bag strapped to your side like a pistol. Or you can hold on to it like a briefcase or a bowling ball bag. Or just get a courtesy bucket. Yeah, but then people are going to smell piss. What about a good neighbor? Maybe the guy at the kiosk down can help me out. Hey, lady who's selling moisturizer no one? Maybe the guy at the kiosk down can help me out. Hey, lady who's selling moisturizer no one needs, can you

watch my kiosk? Don't worry, there's no business for either one of us. You could definitely do that because it would be a television show. Because it's a television show, you could actually get people that were customers to watch the kiosk for you. You could totally do it and put a camera on them and see if they steal money. Oh, that's cool.

That'd be good. Yeah, hey, this is the code. Test them. If anybody buys anything, you know, just, you know how to count, right? Exactly. So the guy gives you a 20. Yeah. You give him back $4.64, right? You don't have to do that.

You know what's cool? Because some of those kiosks, they really do like, they have like these, you know, they're selling things now that are really, I guess you could say like old school sorcery, you know, like just magic. Yeah. You know, they'll be like, look at like, look at this glitter thing, right? Now we're going to make it look like, you know, do you miss your dead grandma? Okay, now we can put that on a shirt and have her talk.

I'm like, wow, this is great. Where's Houdini to debunk this? Yeah, they've got Jillian and I have shirts that talk to you, right? I'm telling you, they do. That'll be the new thing. It's a new merch. It's a new level of merch. Will you run your hand across your chest and go, step, bitch?

Yeah. It's for the dubstep kids. That would be cool. Just to keep your mouth shut and your shirt talks. Or if it was Red Fox on your shirt. Oh, that would be the best. And he goes, you big dummy. Kids today, they don't know shit about Red Fox, do they, David? They don't know shit

About Red Fox Do they David Tell? They don't They really don't Tell us one of my Favorite albums Red Fox The Hello Dummy

For Don Rickles Which is all Crowd work by the way Really? It was like Ground breaking With all that crowd work So when you're

A little kid mind You have to imagine A crowd Wow Yeah I only heard When I was a little kid The comedy albums I heard for the

longest time were all just uh like cheech and chong type stuff oh really i heard cheech and chong and bill cosby but i can't remember if bill cosby he must have done it with an audience right oh yeah yeah no he was he was rock hard man he was already doing like those big theater shows and stuff like that i mean maybe there's like ones from the 60s the early 60s where it was like you know like he's really super polite. Because, you know, like he had it coming through the kitchen, you know, back segregation style. Really?

You know, like one of those kind of things. But other than that, I remember his stuff and it was always like a big event, you know? Yeah, he's a guy who probably doesn't get enough credit, like as a stand-up comic. Yeah, you know, he's a storyteller comic and I think that's kind of cool. But I always liked what you said,

like a Red Fox. I like the guys, those were like called party tapes or party albums. And like, you know, if you listen to that, that meant that you were cool. Like, wow, man, this is jazz.

Yeah, Red Fox was like jazz comedy. Did you ever hear any of the Red Fox comedy club tapes? No, I've never heard that. Oh, dude, Red Fox at one point in time had a comedy club,

apparently. Where? And I don't know. Like, it's got to be one of those like cool, like Topeka, Kansas. No, I think it was probably like Peoria, Illinois or something like that. There you go. And we should find out. Find out where Red Fox's comedy club was. But he had Richard Pryor on stage all the time and they would record them and you'd buy them in cassettes. And I've not seen them online. I used to own them on cassette at one point in time. Oh, wow. But they were these great old sets where Pryor was just a small crowd, and Pryor was just fucking around.

He'd be making shit up as he was going along. You could totally tell he was making shit up. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was he famous then, or was it like before? I think he was like famous like maybe like us famous like not real famous not like richard pryor famous exactly he was on his way to becoming richard pryor famous wow and he would fuck around in these these uh small clubs like

red fox's club it was just oh man as a comic i remember i was an open micer and i would drive to gigs and listen to them. Oh, man, I'm jealous of that. That's cool. I'm reading Flip Wilson's book. You know, Flip Wilson's another guy who, like, you ask anybody under 40, they'll be like, who? Who's that?

Yeah, I remember. He, you know, I'm not through the whole book yet, but him and Redd Foxx had this kind of, like, love-hate relationship because Redd Foxx was, like, hardcore, and Flip Wilson flip wilson was like you know the up-and-coming guy and uh supposedly like red was really kind of like tough loving on uh flip and then uh flip was like you know he'd borrow money from me he wouldn't even recognize me like you know you walk in a club and like he wouldn't even say hello or anything like that and And then he got a call from Flip. No, Red Fox was on Carson.

And he said, who is the funniest guy in the country? Johnny asked him. He goes, Flip Wilson. And the next day he got a call to be on the show. And that kind of started his whole career. So he owes his whole career to Red Fox. Isn't that cool? That's amazing. That is cool.

That's very cool. His fucking show was funny, man. Flip Wilson's show. Oh, Reds. Yeah. OK. But Flip Wilson was funny, too, man. I remember's show. Sanford and So's. Oh, Reds. Yeah. Okay. But Flip Wilson was funny too, man. I remember Flip Wilson

from back in the day. Yeah, you know, like when you read the book and you read like what he went through and all that kind of stuff, it was like, you know, the trials and tribulations

of like the early, early road plus the segregation and all that stuff. I mean, like, it really is kind of a really interesting story, almost like a Hobbit like journey adventure,

you know, of ups and downs and stuff like that. But Red Fox is definitely the guy. He was he was hardcore you know and you gotta love hardcore what a unique american perspective to be a black man who grew up in that era and then became a huge celebrity yeah what a shift of things that must have been for him and how strange it must have been to go through like when you're talking about cosby having to go through the kitchen that really rang a bell with me i'm thinking about that yeah no i wasn't saying it to be no no i mean like they really had to like

you know and this stuff the stuff that they would like you know like traveling you know like think about it back then segregation like they couldn't wait in the train station you know they had to like catch it on the way out you you know, or something, you know. It's really, you know. It's incredible that it was in our lifetime. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. It's just hard to wrap your head around the idea that people were capable of judging people just by the color of their skin just a few years ago.

And really today, too. There's plenty of people that do it today. They just can't do it as openly as, you know, whites-only faucets and shit like that. Well, the Sterling thing, I mean, everybody's talking about. What do you think about this, dude? He's an old dude, man. 82.

There's a lot of old racists, man. There's a lot of old guys that grew up in that era. You know, I mean, think about if you're 82 years old. Yeah. That guy has been around, man. Absolutely. You know, so 40 years ago, 40 years ago, we're talking about the 1970s, you know, the 60s before that when he was like our age. Yeah.

That guy was, he's old as fuck, man. Well, I hope it doesn't make everybody think that all 82-year-old Jewish general managers of NBA teams with a super hot 22-year-old girlfriend are racist. You know, the dude obviously got set up. Yeah. But isn't it weird that, like, what if we find that more people think like that? Like, what if we're persecuting this guy now because he said it? Yeah. guy now right because he said it yeah but what if we find out like sometime in the future you you know just have a guy sit down and stare into a screen for a couple of seconds and they read

your eyeballs and go oh you fucking hate black people you know and like it turns out that like this shit has been in your head the whole time that's fine people been saying things the whole time it starts like reading your memory of all the different times of the past. We called someone a nigger. You're like, oh, shit. And it just starts pulling it out of your brain. And like, hey, man, you did everything you persecuted that guy for. I think there's a lot of people doing that. And there's a lot of people that are jumping up

to blame the guy. Yeah, he's definitely a racist. Yeah, he definitely shouldn't be working with the NBA, but he's an old dude. It's more sad than anything. Well, that's funny how you bring it up, like, you know, like how racist is somebody? Like, I think if you watch the Winter Olympics, you're a racist, because that is the whitest thing.

You know what I'm saying? All that ice skating and skiing. That's all white. It's just whiteness. That's a very good point. Yeah, so it's like if you know Sochi and the, I'm like, mm-hmm, there you go. Yeah, there's probably racists that move far north just to get away from black people.

Like, they know they're going to be around white people. Only white people are crazy enough to want to ski all the time. White flight. At first I was thinking, though, what if he has, like, early signs of... Autism. Autism. The other one. Yeah, where you can't...

Now I can't think of... Amnesia? Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's. Because I know when my great-grandmother had Alzheimer's, she was racist as fuck, and she thought I was her husband. And she sounded normal. She's like, oh, you're Brian.

Oh, come here, baby. Well, that's a good point, really. Because anyone who gets older, like that old, your brain's compromised. There's just no doubt about it. It's a sad thing to witness. They get dementia. They get real wacky.

It's a sad thing to witness, but it's inevitable, it seems like. And it doesn't seem, they've never figured out anything to uh to slow it down either once that shit starts it's like you know it's gonna it's gonna keep going bad it's even scarier also to think that what that how horrible that woman was in it like she just made me mad because you could tell how much she was fishing that poor guy you know but how many girls do that like record like get to the end of a relationship like you know you know what? I'm going to ruin this guy by recording them and posting their text messages. Well, he's a multi-billionaire who says a lot of racist shit. And she's half black.

You know, I mean, how do you think that feels to her? She was half pissed. She's half black. I think she's half Mexican, too. Oh, really? She's a beautiful girl. Wow. Yeah, she is hot. She probably felt like, fuck this old racist asshole that I've been blowing for the past couple years.

Yeah, but really, how old is she? She's in her 20s, right? I don't know, but it's glorious. David and a black cock need to get together with her. Well, it's already happened. That was one of the things that I thought was hilarious about the recording was that the dude said, I don't care if you fuck them. Yeah. Well, he wants to watch.

Yeah. Maybe. He's going to be now. Might be all cuckoldy. Yeah. There's dudes that are purposely targeting her. Their dicks are like guided missiles. Giant athletes.

Well, I don't know. She should have thought it out also because, you know, I'm sure they broke up. Right? I mean, where else is she going to find another 82-year-old billionaire Jewish owner of an NBA team? I mean, if that's her style, her guy, you know? You know, it's really hilarious that prostitution is illegal. It really is hilarious. Because if prostitution wasn't illegal, none of this would be a problem.

That guy, look, their relationship, I mean, who knows what it was at one point in time, but it's safe to say that when it boils down to a chick recording you and baiting you to talk bad about black people, that the fucking relationship is like, she doesn't really like you anymore. Oh, yeah. Obviously, right? In fact, she's trying to get back. Come on, man. So she targeted him for money. You think?

Yeah, for sure. But the crazy thing is that his wife is trying to get the money back now, saying that she embezzled it. Look, that's how it goes. If you're an old, wrinkly dude and you want to bang a hot chick, you've got to give her something. Yeah, but if you have grandchildren older than your girlfriend, because he has to have grandchildren that are older than her. He probably does. That's weird. But what do we care?

I don't know. If she wants to fuck him and he promises her a condo, I don't give a fuck. I think it's an important point, though, to get the guy out of the NBA. I think that's an important point. I think it's awesome that they did that. They banned him, for real? Mm-hmm. Because fuck that guy, man.

Fuck that feeling that someone around you who owns the team feels like that about black people. Yes. It's just, ooh, god damn. How does he get hot? Oh that about black people. It's just... God damn. How does he get hot? That's ridiculous. That's how it works, man. If you want to get one of those, you gotta pay. He doesn't look 82 to me.

He looks about 84. He looks good. He looks about as bad as you can look and still be alive. But remember, he's a billionaire, so that's money. You know what I'm saying? That's that kind of money. I guess I'll have to buy an island and still be alive. But remember, he's a billionaire, so that's money. You know what I'm saying? That's that kind of money. I guess I'll have to buy an island and be a king.

I mean, what is he going to do? You know what he did? He fucked up. Because he, in some ways, didn't recognize the relationship. Didn't recognize what was going on there. In some ways, he must have been roped into the romance of it all oh sure what he

should have done is he's got so much fucking money and let's be realistic not much fucking time how much time does that guy have i don't know i think powerful rich guys for some reason that gives you like another seven years or something it's like the reverse of smoking you know it's just like evil power gives you another seven years. I don't think he's using it. He can't be. A billion dollars is like a person who's 30 would have a really hard time spending a billion dollars. I mean, you have to be a real fucking asshole to go through a billion dollars. I think this cat, if he just was a little bit more generous with his money, recognized the situation and said, listen, you know, I got a billion dollars.

That's a thousand million. I'm going to throw a couple million your way. He should have thrown a gold bar at her head. Wouldn't that be great? No, shut the fuck up. Damn, I think that's misogynist. Wouldn't that be the best? That's misogyny.

They're both wearing crowns, like real crowns, not like Chuck E. Cheese crowns. Real crowns. I couldn't hear you. I'm wearing a gold crown. He sits around the house in a bathrobe, Rodney Dangerfield style, his dick hanging out with a chroma. That was the best. Rodney, God bless him, you know.

Oh, God. The last few years of Rodney, that was the best. Rodney was great, man. He, you know, you got to say one thing. Like, there's some guys who get famous and can't handle it. He handled it. He loved it. Like a boss.

He loved it. You know why? He was already an older man when he became famous. And he had worked. Like, he had given up on show business for a long time and went back to work. Oh, right. Someone was on the show. He was like an aluminum cider or something like that.

Someone was on the show. He was talking about it. God, I wish I could remember who it was. It might have been Fitzsimmons. I'll find out. He'll be here on Thursday. But Rodney went back and kept writing. So when he went back to comedy after all those years off,

he had notebook upon notebook upon notebook filled with jokes. Oh, it was Hinchcliffe. That's who it was. It was Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, okay. Because Tony actually is a great joke writer, too. He's fucking hilarious. He was with me in Brea this weekend,

and he rocked it out. He's hilarious. I take him with me all the time. He kills it on the road. Oh, cool. That's excellent. See, that's what I like about you, man.

It's like, you know, I'm doing this comedy underground show. I don't want to self-promote or anything, but it's about getting the new guys who don't really fit yet

anywhere. They're new. Getting them out there. Letting them do a raw, uncensored set. That's really important. You've been doing that for years. So, dude, excellent. Tip of the hat.

Thank you, sir. Thank you. Well, what I did was when I first started coming up and doing comedy, I had a really hard time getting gigs because I was dirty. And I had a lot of people tell me that I had to clean my act up or clean my act up now. And then once you make it, then you can do whatever you want but until you're a headliner and people come to see you you can't do that and i never understood then i get it now from their point of view so it makes it really hard for these guys to work yeah you know like a guy like diaz or a guy like nobody wanted diaz to open for them no one But for me, I thought like this guy I mean, I think

How does a guy like that get an outlet Unless it's the internet I mean, you can't put that guy on regular shows He doesn't come through You don't see what he really does Absolutely, and Joey's a hitter He's a headliner Both names you just said

Ari and Joey, they're both headliners So to bring them out on the road It's great because you're like opening up to a whole new audience. You know what I'm saying? Because I know my audience is very cool with rough comedy, but they also like really good comedy. And they can take a joke. They're not like groaners, really. So when I bring out the guys and they do their rough stuff, they like it.

Yeah, they want to hear it. And they know that it's Dave Attell approved. Exactly. That's kind of what Rodney did. You know, when Rodney did those HBO Young Comedian specials. Absolutely. It's really the same thing. You know, those things stick in my head more than almost any other special.

It's like seeing like the Bill Hicks and the Dice Man. Like just seeing them do their thing in those short doses. Because you think about it now, it's like you're used to a long redux of both of them. But seeing them do a little short set, you don't see that much. No, you don't. Because in your mind, they were like mega stars. But back then, they were like guys just trying to break in. And they all broke through. I mean, think about those old HBO specials.

You had Dom Irera. Right. Excellent. Yeah, Dom Irera, Dice Clay, Bill Hicks, Sam Kinison, Bob Nelson. Remember Bob Nelson? Bob Nelson from Long Island. He was a legend there for 20 years before I even started comedy. So when I first met him, I was like, oh, my God, it's Bob Nelson.

I got a manager. Sussman became my manager because of Bob Nelson. Really? Yeah. Bob Nelson decided to go super Jesus. Yes. Really? Yeah, Bob Nelson decided to go super Jesus.

Yes. And sober, you know, with like a guy who would be like a prayer buddy. And the prayer buddy became his manager, I guess. I don't know. That's so true. He met a woman and he got rebaptized or whatever that is, you know. And he totally did like a family-friendly act and nobody was really digging it and i was like you know bob was never that dirty no i was like i don't know what you know he didn't have to change anything yeah and for some reason i guess no i

think he wouldn't do certain places because they served alcohol or something oh one of those things yeah maybe i don't really know the whole story but i do know that it was a heartache when he stopped doing it oh wow wow that's crazy yeah he was a funnyache when he stopped doing it. Oh, wow. Wow. That's crazy. He was a funny guy, man. He was so like. Jiffy Jeff's gym. It's funny bits. Those are the things where like when he put the balloons, you know,

to make the shoulder pads and all that kind of stuff. That was the thing where like, you're like, I feel sorry for the next guy who has to follow that because this is going to be like almost a tank beyond tanking. Jamie, can you adjust the mic so that people can see Dave's face? Oh, sorry. It's okay. But there's like a –

Yeah, I tried to get a camera, but it didn't work. Yeah, that's good. Perfect. Thank you. Thanks, man. All right. Yeah, it's weird when you think back to those guys that sort of just dropped off that were really, really funny. Ben Creed.

Do you remember him? I do remember Ben Creed. Yeah. I like these names because they're like I always think of them as like Long Island I'm very like precious

like you know I'm sure you talked about this because you you know you're a supporter of comedy but Otto and George

who you know I called into ONA and I go you know I think I asked Norton I go did he ever work you know

did he ever work LA and he's like no I go well he must have worked Vegas and I'm like for those you know the fans he ever work la and he's like no i go well he must have worked vegas and i'm like for those you know the fans listening and all that he was he recently passed away he was a great ventriloquist there was no one like him and uh i wish i had seen one of those vegas shows that must have been awesome because he is not a vegas act you know no he's not i did danger fields with him i did the prom shows we did like fives with him. I did the prom shows.

We did like five weeks in a row of prom shows. See, now that's the bootleg I want to hear. Oh, my God. We had so much fun. It was a crazy. Do you remember Dangerfields? Yeah. Do you remember the big Scottish guy that used to run it before the sun took over? No, I don't remember that guy.

He was this big Scottish power lifter. He was fucking hilarious. Really? He was funnier than 90% of the comedians there. And he was a massive, massive guy. And he would do like these barbarian fucking powerlifts in his backyard. He had like Olympic weights in his backyard. He'd do deadlifts and shit all day.

The guy was enormous. Really? But like not like a bodybuilder, just like this huge barrel of meat. And he would grab kids like i saw him grab a kid by the neck grabbed his neck and his pants and lifted him up during one of the prom shows because kids get those long island and bronx kids yes they get crazy aggressive like tri-states a kid went on stage took al lubell's microphone away from wow and blew smoke in his face. Wow. Yeah,

and Al Lubell had a meltdown and no one knew what the fuck to do. It was insanity. Nobody stopped it. Was he naked at that point?

Because you know he takes off his clothes at the end of his act. He stopped doing that. Okay. That's when he stopped doing that. Okay.

You know, after the guy takes your microphone and goes, continue with your jokes. You can't really whip your cock out then. Yeah.

Those prom shows, I think every comic has to go through those years of the prom shows. Yeah. And like, you can't really whip your cock out then. Yeah. Those prom shows, I think every comic has to go through those years of the prom shows. Yeah. And, like, you know, there's two things that happen at the prom show. One of them is that, you know, you're like, what high school is this? You know, these kids, like, they're already, they're, you know, like, they're too adult for what you think. And then you get really old and you're like, wow, this is weird. But now those kind of kids, the fun kids, like, you know, the bad kids, that's, like, over.

Now, like, the kids come out, they're all rolling on Adderall, and, you know, they got their phones out, they're happy. You know, they're just glad to be out. I had a cheap thing that I would do where I would get them on my side, like, right away when I do a prom show. I don't remember the exact wording, but it was something along the lines of you know what what you guys are right now is adults that don't know anything and all these motherfuckers that are adults that are telling you what to do look at their lives look how

miserable they are and stop stop the whole thing take it from here you know it's basically like the foundation of my philosophy that i formed over life but this is when i was 21 and i really was fucking way too stupid way too stupid to have opinions i was an idiot you're like the older brother i was probably a little older than 21 because i was in new york so i must have been 24 god those days were crazy i don't even know if they uh don't they do like promises are different now they're like political statements and stuff it's like I'm bringing a spotted owl as my date because I believe in

you know I'm going to adopt the highway we're not even going to go out if you took them to Dangerfields today and someone told

a bunch of cunt jokes oh god lord it would be on the front page of salon.com yeah the club would be

shut down what's that show that the improv does once in a while where they bring all those kids from a camp and you're like, I'm doing comedy in front of 11-year-olds? I did that once. That's right. I did that once and they didn't even tell me to tone it down. Ari went up in front of me and got crazy dirty. I mean, Ari was just, all he wanted to talk about was like, who here's Heather Dicksock?

Raise your hand. Oh, wow. He's like, it's awesome, right? Is it awesome? Raise your hand. Oh, wow. That already doesn't pull back. Is it awesome? It's awesome. If you have it, you should try it. People were going nuts, red-faced. Everybody was freaking out.

Not the worst. I forget the exact words he was using, but it was something along those lines. Asked them, have you figured a girl yet? People were like, what? All the comics were like, I'm not changing my material. Everyone just did it dirty, and the kids love it. But what was more uncomfortable was watching the chaperones. Yeah.

Because they're like, what are we supposed to do? They're the ones who are going to get fired. That's a long bus ride back to the camp. The kids are repeating the joke. Who wants ice cream? Stop shaking. Who wants ice cream? I would love to see Ari in that situation.

Because sometimes even Ari makes me feel uncomfortable when I'm watching him. I'm an adult. When we would do the prom shows, they wouldn't rotate out the audience. So there's 200 people in the crowd, right? Dangerfield holds about 200, right? Not a big room.

It's not a big room. It's a dark room, though, so you really don't know. Very cool room. Anyway, they would get those people in. Then they would just start would get those people in then they would um just start shoving new people in and they wanted you to do like they would do a rotation you know so it'd be like otto and george me alu bell couple other guys and they would do a lineup and then when the show well the lineup was over they would just reintroduce your first comedian and

you were supposed to tell the exact same jokes to the same people. Really? They would leave. Oh, I see. That was their strategy for crowd control. So the guy says to me, he goes, I think his name is Darren. He goes, you've got to stop telling new jokes. I go, what?

He goes, because you're doing like five shows a night. He goes, you've got to stop telling new jokes. We're trying to get these people out of here. You've got to go back to the same jokes. Oh, my God. You can't tell me what to do. You can't tell me what to say. Yeah, really? We have our job out of here. You got to go back to the same job. Oh, my God. I'm not, you can't tell me what to do. You can't tell me what to say. Yeah, really?

Like, this is, we have, our job description is confused here. I'm a comedian. You know, you hire me. I'm a subcontractor. That's why you don't pay me insurance. I go on for 30 minutes, and you don't tell me what to do. You either hire me or you don't. That Dangerfields Club, I'm glad you brought that up,

because they have, like, rules there that, like, no other club. Like, did you ever bring up, like, why is there such a big piano on stage? And then they'll be like, oh, you've got to understand that this was the original. They have all these different things. Don't even ask for a fork there. It's like, we don't allow a fork since the blah blah. Everything is this long historical story. And I just know to get booked there, you have to call in almost six months in advance.

Really? It's like, how's your 2015 looking? It's like, I don't know. I don't even know if I'm going to be doing comedy by then. It's still like that? That's the last time I called in. I was just like, we try and book like a month in advance. And like in comedy, you go week to week, you know, if that, you know.

Well, in cities. Yeah, in the cities. You know, when you're booking like a club, a headliner club on the road, you know, like Zany's in Nashville or something along those lines. But if it's like New York or L.A. Yeah, for like a $20 spot. Back then, I think it was like $15, maybe $12 or something like that. But to go like, what are you doing next month?

And in your mind, you're like, I know I'm available because I suck. But what if something amazing happens? Yeah, you can't book out that far in advance. Well, they're so old school. They have a different era appeal to them. Yes. The whole place does. You feel like you're in a time capsule when you walk into it.

That's like the Comedy Store in LA. Like that is the most clubby feel club in this town. And like whenever I go in there, I always feel like a little bit more relaxed, you know? Yeah. And like, you know, I'm not putting down the other clubs, but I'd say like that's as clubby and new york clubby as it as it gets here you know yeah i agree you know that's the the darkest yeah it's also the least intrusive and sometimes it goes bad because it's la and there's a lot of people in la that want a lot of fucking attention there's a lot of people in la that don't make good audience members because they want a lot of attention. And there's no crowd control at the Comedy Store.

Okay. It's all comics work in there. Yeah. So, you know, I mean, that's how Mitzi wanted it. She wanted the lunatics to run the asylum. Exactly. She thought that would create the most comedy, which it probably did. But, you know, you're dealing with so many dickwads there.

If you put that club in other cities, like if that club was in New York, you know, same look, same feel to it, you'd probably get better audiences. There's definitely a difference in the audience out here. And I'm not saying it's wrong or anything, but there's a lot more watchers here than actual, like, you know, you feel like they're, like, you know, like, you don't know if they're having a good time because they're just kind of sitting and watching. Whereas in New York, there's a little bit more interaction. There's a little bit more give and take. But I would say on a whole, I'm sure your audience is live when you go on the road or like you play like the Ice House, something like that.

They're pumped. Like, I don't feel that like nowadays. I feel like they're, you know, they're like, okay, let's give this a whirl. Let's give it a try, you know? And, you know, I hope it's worth my time because there's a lot of great clips I want to watch on my feed. I don't know. I'm so old. Are those the right terms?

I think the audiences are better now than they have been in years because of the internet. I think people are more comedy fans than they've ever been before. I hope you're right. I feel like, especially that cool audience that really likes the hard, dirty, I feel like they're an endangered species. I feel like, where are these people? What happened to the last Mohegans? Where are they?

We have preserves. We have game preserves. We keep them. We have to. We bring them out for death squad shows. Well, that's good that you connect with them like that and i know your fans like like it that way but i'm saying like you know especially when i did the comedy underground you know i was like i was like you know this is this is like the last roundup of the rough dirty you know i really felt that way

well it's not that the audience isn't there man it's just the the amount of connection that you have to the audience like i've got a good connection with Twitter and a good connection with Facebook and social media and podcasting. So they know where to find me. You know what I'm saying? Whereas there's a lot of those comedy, dirty comedy fans,

they just might not hear you're in town. They might not hear you're coming. They might not know. People that work in offices, people that have jobs and mortgages and kids and they're fucking busy, they don't have time to, and then they're like, oh, David Tell was in town? Ah, fuck, we missed him. And that

happens all the time. It's going to happen. You know what's funny? Like you said, all those different things, which are all like now, they're not choices. You have to do all those things. Then I was like in my head flashing back to like Howie Mandel. You remember when he was doing those hour specials? It was like he put on that big fake hand. It's like, I'm there. I'm there. I'm there.

Get the car ready. We're going. This guy's wearing a crazy hand. He blew up a balloon with his nose. Yeah, look at that. What is that? Yeah, he would do it with his nose, right? He would put it over his whole head and blow it up with his nose.

When I was young and like, you know, you know like that in your 20s when like you got some money, but you got no money, but like you got money for like something dumb. Right. So it was like, I was like, you know, like Uncle Floyd like in your 20s when like you got some money but you got no money but like you got money for like something dumb right so it was like i was like you know like uncle floyd is in town oh dude i gotta see this guy it's like pay my student loan that can wait i have to see this guy who is some kind of like weird do you know what i'm talking about yes dude i bombed going on after uncle floyd oh wow what a cool story to actually go on after him.

Yeah, I never, I had no idea who he was. And I was in New Jersey. And apparently he's a legend. Yes. In New Jersey. In parts of New Jersey. And I thought, I thought I was going to kill. I was like, oh, this is going to be great.

I'm going to go on after this old dude. Uh-huh. Oh, my God. They loved him. They loved him. They were screaming out, out like all these phrases and sayings that i didn't understand i never heard of he he is uh he's definitely like a local like almost like you know how like there was a million bozos yeah like clowns that were like in your rate on your tv he's that guy he was like our um you know our kids show before you know i guess

nickelodeon you know but it was an adult kid show. But what was he on? Was he on Cable Access? No. He was on Channel 9. It was like local whatever that was. I think he was right before cable. It was right before cable.

Yeah, there aren't any real local shows anymore, are there? They're just like local news shows. Nothing. But there's not. It would never be like. Do you remember when Stern had that local show in New York? Oh, that was great. He was on like a late night

channel or something like that. That was his variety show. Yeah. I don't know all the particulars on that because I just remember it fleetingly but that was great. You'd always tune in and like there was some I guess you could say a carnival freak about to do something. He brought all that like into the show.

It was great. And it was just some, I don't know what channel it was, but it wasn't like NBC or CBS. No, it was like local Channel 9 or Channel 3 or something like that in New York. No, no. WPIX maybe. Yeah, I mean it was probably like a cable channel, right? Was it a cable show?

That might have been cable. That might have been cable. How about Bill Boggs? Do you remember him? Bill Boggs, the baseball player? No, Bill boggs was a local another guy in new york this is all east coast i apologize guys but like he was another guy who was like he was somewhere between like regis and maury povich he was like this kind of nice guy but then he did like a comedy variety show and that was i think the first show that i met i met daniel gould there um what's his name uh there was like a couple of great comics

that were like hanging out there and like Dana Gould who was like a boy comic, you know that, right? Like 17 or something like that. Was he really? Yeah, he was on that show and I was like,

wow, man, this guy knows what he's doing. I met Dana way, way, way back in the day in Boston. Yeah. And then that was before he stopped doing comedy. Like he was just about

to do his Showtime special. He had a Showtime special, I believe, and he was just about to do his Showtime special. He had a Showtime special, I believe, and he was just about to do it. It was great. This was years and years ago. Oh, yeah, years and years ago. And then he just stopped doing comedy, and he was writing, I think, for The Simpsons, right?

He was writing for The Simpsons for, like, I think over 10 years. And I saw him at that comedy meltdown show, and I was like, whoa, dude, where have you been? You know, because I always loved his act, you know? Yeah, it's weird when a guy comes back, right? Well, you know, you guys are all married with families and stuff like that. I'm amazed to ever see you guys out on a Tuesday night.

I'm like, whoa, look who it is. I come out. Yeah, you like to do your time. I got to do time. I feel like if you don't do sets, like regular weekends or weekday sets, you have to do them, man. You have to pop in at the improv. You have to do spots at the Ice House.

We do the Ice House all the time. That is such a cool hang, man. Oh, it's the best. That's excellent, yeah. The Ice House is the best. The vibe of the place is fantastic. And the fact that we've done, how many podcasts have we done from there?

Shit. We're almost at 100. And we've got Thunder Pussy now also. Yeah, and the Thunder Pussy shows we do there. Yeah, what is that exactly? You've shows we do there. What is that exactly? Oh, my God. You ever do a question and answer with your crowd? Yeah.

I saw Seinfeld do it once, and I stole the idea from him. I saw Seinfeld when I was an open miker. I was just about to do comedy. I think I was a week before or a week after, whatever it was, and I saw him with this chick that I used to bang a week after, whatever it was. And I saw him with this chick that I used to bang from high school.

It was crazy. We're back together again at 21. You ever do those? You ever? Chick you're banging when you're 17 and all of a sudden,

boom, both of you are 21. Like adults driving around. You gonna give it to her? Anyway, so we're gonna see Seinfeld. It's an exciting night. And so he comes out,

he does the set, kills, gets this big round of applause, leaves, and then comes back out for a question and kills gets his big round applause leaves and then comes back out for a question and answer and the question answer he would people would ask things and he would just start like riffing or telling jokes about like that subject yeah i love that i kind of do that i guess yeah a lot of times we all do that yeah i i've done it but i used to do it a lot after shows um but this is the whole show show is that, from the beginning to the end.

Oh, wow. No material. Wow. What it is is they yell out, you know, talk about the fucking Clippers owner. Yeah, okay, that's cool. And you're like, all right, this fucking guy. And then, you know, you'd be amazed at how much comedy gets improvised out of that. I love it, yeah.

That you could actually use. I've got, dude, I've got two really good bits from that. I love it, yeah. You can actually use. Dude, I've got two really good bits from that. We've got to set that up for maybe. We have one this Friday. Damn it, I'm in Santa Barbara. Motherfucker, let's do it Saturday. That's great that you do that. Can you move it to Saturday?

I can see, yeah. Yeah, move Friday to Saturday and I'm in. Fucking Rogan's pre-baton. I'm moving the show just for you. I'm pre-tweeting you guys. Pre-responding. It's cool that you brought up Se the show just for you. I'm pre-tweeting you guys. Pre-responding. It's cool that you brought up Seinfeld. Have you done his show?

No, the Cars and Coffee. I call it Millionaires Wearing Seatbelts. I'm not putting anyone down, but I like how in the beginning they all have to look like, okay, now we're getting our own coffee? Is that what this is? Yeah. Pretend you're not in a helicopter right now. He had a million-dollar Porsche he was driving around from 1973. How cool is that? Yeah. Pretend you're not in a helicopter right now. He had a million dollar Porsche

he was driving around. How cool is that? 1973. Yeah. It's a 1973 Carrera RS. You're not a car guy like that, are you? I don't have it like that. Yeah, that's crazy. I have a couple of cars. That's cool to have a couple of cars, but I mean, you're not like a classic car dude, right? No, I don't like old shit. I like the new shit. Really? The technology. I have a Porsche, and it has... Porsche's technology is really old.

This car's a 2007. It's a seven-year-old car anyway. But their navigation systems, they're dog shit. They don't have updates where they get traffic. You need all that. It's out there. Why wouldn't you have it? I have a friend who has one of the brand new Porsches, and it doesn't have traffic updates.

I go, what is this? I go, this is some 2006 shit. I had a traffic warning four years ago, or three or four years ago on one of my cars. So I always put new shit in there. I think that's, you know. That to me is when people go, what's the road like? I'm like, have you ever smelled a road comics car? It's somewhere between submarine and like, I mean, it smells like 15 different types of Taco Bell from different states.

Jimmy John's mixing with Del Tide. It's like the Charlie wipes would give up on that. There would be nothing. Like the guy shat in there. He fucked in there. He cried in there. Did you ever see Ralphie May's car? No, I've never seen it.

It's ruthless. There's something about the road car smell. It's impossible. Is that Stern? Yeah, Howard Stern's on the latest episode of Comedians Getting Car. See, he buys. This is what I don't like is that these cars are all classic. I mean, for him, it must be really fun because he's an aficionado.

But I guess I'm not that kind of an aficionado. I don't like old cars. That is a cool car. He's dope as fuck. That's a GTO. He's a Porsche guy. I know that he collects Porsches. And I think a lot of these cars that he used on the show, he actually just rents for the show because he's had a couple breakdown before.

And he's just like, oh, they're going to send us another one. So I think maybe he just gets these cars for just the show. Yeah, maybe you're right. Well, I know he had Letterman's. Letterman has a souped-up Volvo. They did a show. He has a Volvo with like a fucking 450-horsepower engine in it and a six-speed transmission.

Yeah. No, it's great. I'm going to do a show. He took a lot of shit, man. He took a lot of shit for only having white people on a show. Then he had Chris Rock on. Yeah. Only white men.

Will you say a douche? I'm going to do Comics Walking to Pink Dot after the Monday. So how did it go over there? I didn't get on. All right. Let's get a Snickers bar. The Walk to Pink Dot up Sunset. That is my favorite walk, by the way.

It's great. It's Saturday night at 2 o'clock in the morning. Or Norm's with Don Beres. That place crackles, dude. Pink Dot. That whole strip from that little trolley cart place that sells cheeseburgers, what's that place? Carney's.

Carney's. From Carney's on up. That place crackles. Yeah. It's got a feeling. It's like there's a vortex that's been created there. You know, because I don't live here. Like, I'll be walking, like, after the show.

Like, I'll just be walking around because I'm New York time. You know, I want it later and all that. And, like, you know, in New York, if you're up late and somebody comes up to you, they usually want money or they're up to no good. You know, it might be, like, a psychotic or something. But if you're within, like, I'd say a half a mile of the comedy store on a Monday night, you're going to walk into a comic. So, like, I'll come up and it's like, I'm a half a mile of the comedy store on a monday night you're gonna walk into a comic so like i'll come up as like i'm a huge fan i'm like what he's like wearing

a hoodie like i didn't even see him how many guys you get hitting you up to ask to open for you on the road um i i i get i get a lot of guys that uh that kind of like i worked with but i really kind of have like a small pool of dudes that i i want to throw work through like this weekend in bray it was tony as we talked about and sean rouse who i think have you ever had sean on here sean no i haven't had you really should have money he is like he is like an amazing dude you know uh he has rheumatoid arthritis so he can't really travel that much but his act and you'll you'll back me up on this i mean like awesome he's an amazing joke writer

and he also is like, he is hardcore. He does not give a shit. And, you know, East Coast, I have other guys that do that. But now they're all like headliners. So I feel like I've done my job with them. But I like to use local guys too because I feel like, you know, a lot of guys roll into town, they bring their own support.

And then these local guys are like, I never get on my own stage. You know, it's my home club. So I try and use the local guys to middle or at least do guest spots that's very cool of you i gave up on that you did well you must be hit on like you know a thousand dudes well it's not just that i just i had too many bad experiences with local dudes that i didn't know like what was wrong the shitty material right well that i couldn't believe i had to listen to or um uh just douchey guys like remember when we did that Maxim tour with Charlie Murphy?

Remember that one guy that we ran into in Boston that was so fucking creepy? He was hanging around the green room, and he was hammered, and he was staring at us sideways, and he was creepy, jealous, acting like a dick. Me and Charlie Murphy and John Heffron, two great guys, were sharing this green room with this idiot, and then they kicked him out. He was fucking plastered. And he was the opener? In every town, we would take a local guy.

That's how I met Segura. Segura was doing Phoenix. He wasn't local, but for whatever reason, they chose him, and maybe he was in the area or something like that. And I was like, holy shit, is this guy funny. So then I started taking him on the road too. Yeah, they had local comedy competitions. And so I think Tom just applied for that comedy competition, won it, and then got.

He murdered it. He was the number one guy. I got all the people that were local guys that opened up for us. Oh, that's right. But McDermott we met in Phoenix. He did an open mic night. That's where we met McDermott. Or a contest. Yeah, that's the did an open mic night. That's where we met McDermott. Or a contest.

Yeah, that's the contest. Well, it was a different contest. Was it? Wasn't it? I thought it was a men of comedy. I don't think it was because it was at the Improv and the show was at the Phoenix Theater. And that was... You're right.

It was just a regular show. Yeah, the Celebrity Theater was the one that's in the round. It was just a regular show. But it was some sort of a contest. Josh McDermott killed it, and we were like, holy shit, this guy's funny. And then that was one of those weekends that Joey vanished on us. Yeah.

Because there was a series of weekends over the years where Diaz would just vanish. And then, you know, sometimes you go, where the fuck did you go? I told you, dog, I couldn't do that gig. I told you. I never left Vegas. I told you. And that's the classic story.

So I used to bring two guys on the road with me then. So one guy could cover the spread if Joey would vanish. Oh, because there you go. You got your backup. Because I didn't want to stop using Joey. It's like the president. He's got those two helicopters, you know, just in case. The just in case guy.

Well, I'm like you. It's like I feel like I have an obligation to support these kind of guys. Yeah, no, you're very good to your dudes. And I would say that, like, when I see a guy on the road, like, I let the club pick the opener a kind of guys. Yeah, no, you're very good to your dudes. And I would say that when I see a guy on the road, I let the club pick the opener a lot of time. I go, whoever the guy is that you want to do. Because I always feel that even if the guy is rough, at least he'll get to perform in front of a real crowd,

which is sometimes difficult to get that going. And usually a lot of the cleaner acts, the straight-ahead acts, don't want a dirty open. They don't want a dirty opener. That is true. Well, that's a real issue. That was an issue for Shafir for a long time. Guys didn't want him middling.

Oh, yeah, exactly. Diaz guys don't want Diaz middling. Diaz middled for a couple people at the Miami Improv. It was just the most horrific thing you could ever witness. You can't follow him there. That's his thing. Well, he would do half his act in Spanish, and they would go fucking crazy.

And he's Cuban, you know? So he's got a Cuban-Spanish accent. So they know he's one of them. I've never seen anybody murder 200 people the way Joey Diaz murdered 200 people in front of, what is his name that sings? I don't care. I don't care.

Kevin Meaney? Yeah. That's like one of those, like, who made the lineup here? What is his name that sings? I don't care. I don't care. Kevin Meaney? Yeah. Yeah. That's like one of those, like, who made the lineup here? Some asshole decided to have Joey Diaz in Miami open up for Kevin Meaney. You know, the worst thing is, like, you do, like, a casino show or something like that, and, like, you're like, who can I get to open? Because it's like a casino town, you know? So then you're like, you know, like, you know, like, some guys will drive will drive for it of course but then there's got to be like some local guy like you know just

degenerate gambler guy that you're like trying to like call up oh i didn't know you lived in reno you know or something like that you know it's like so but yeah no it's good that you do it and i think that all the comics like they they know it's important like that uh you know they they they tip the respect back up so this guy in the green room with the Charlie McAvoy, I don't know what that was about. He was just a crazy, he was older than us too. He probably was bitter. Yeah, he was very bitter. He probably was really bitter.

He wasn't very funny either. And he was just, whatever. The guy was, was it Boston? I feel like it wasn't Boston now. But wherever the fuck it was, the guy was a dick. And it was like, that's the risk you take. We did 22 dates. Everybody was nice and friendly.

Met a lot of cool comics. And then we got one shithead. But that one one shit had just turned me off to it so much we're like because it was the worst kind of shithead you know the jealous shithead the creepy super drunk jealous shithead well you're gonna do yeah it's it's it's all it's also like you feel like you get upset if you bring someone you know or you you have someone local open and it doesn't work out and you're like i could have had tony hinchcliffe yeah i could have had you know i could have brought ari with me i could have brought duncan with me it's like there's only so much time i mean at brea we had like probably four guest spots plus sean plus tony and like

it was a long show but you know uh the crowd really was digging the fact that like there was like all these like fresh faces coming up and they're like wow somebody else you know like and you know it's the door guys and all that kind of stuff and like when i worked the door at the improv back in the 80s whatever that was like our big moment when somebody go like hey you can go on stage you know like you got five minutes clear these people out whatever it is and i was like you know it's it's cool that some clubs are into that some clubs are not they're more like uh you know what i'm saying like applebee style like oh we gotta get them out of here right right right so applebee style yeah no like you know that kind of club where you're like looking at the food coming out of the kitchen you're like this is

a food club that does comedy it's not a comedy club with food you know they definitely have those man it's a weird thing when you're doing comedy and looking down and people are cutting into a stage yes and they're looking up at you and i go this is they're barely paying attention they're eating their fucking food they're barely paying attention it's just such a silly way to to do comedy but it's a good way to maximize money and time absolutely like especially if you're people that want to go on a date and dinner they don't have time let's go to a comic club we'll eat at the club they have food. I don't want to get a steak. But that's funny,

the steak, because it's like, was that some guy's man fantasy? I'm going to go eat a big flank steak and here's some dirty material that I'm going to bang the shit out of my lady.

If we win the raffle for free tickets to see. If you eat a steak too, like, I mean, it's going to slow you down a little bit. Exactly.

That's a full tum-tum. Watching some comedy with a full tummy. In Tucson, I had to do one of those rooms where half the crowd was standing. I was so pissed

that they had to do that. I felt so bad for those people standing. What do you think of standing shows? I didn't know how bad it was until we went to see Stanhope. Where did we go see him? Here in Los Angeles. Yeah, what was the name of standing shows? I didn't know how bad it was until we went to see Stan Hope. Where did we go see him?

Here in Los Angeles. Yeah, what was the name of the club? I don't remember. Lucky Club or Asian. I don't remember the name of the place. But anyway, Stan Hope's on stage, and there's a very small amount of seats. And then there's a back area near the bar that we were all standing at. It's me and Brian and who else came?

Bingo and maybe. Brian and who else came? Bingo and maybe Stan, anyway, so Stan Hope and I think Bretton Walsh opened for him. Stan Hope and so, you know, about an hour and a half, the whole show total, something like that. And by the time

20 minutes was going on, I was like, my fucking back hurts, my feet hurt. This is stupid. We're just standing here. Like, we're not even moving. So when you're just standing, you're not even moving. It's like a static exercise. You don't realize it until 20 minutes in. You're like, ooh, this is uncomfortable.

Just standing in one spot, this fucking sucks. I was trying not to lock my legs. I didn't want to get faked. Your knees started aching. I've been trying to talk to Doug for a couple weeks now. I know he's on a super big club tour, I mean like a bar tour. But there's a show on HistoryTown, you love

history stuff, called The Evolution of Hitler or The Evolution of Nazis or something like that. And it shows Hitler like the early years, kind of like the, you know, the watchword called Saved by the Bell, the early years. And it shows him like young Hitler. And he's like, it's just him.

And I believe it's not Goebbels, but who's the big fat guy? You know what I'm talking about? The Lou Kronenberg guy. Whatever. So it just shows him like in these like pubs talking his talk. And there's people standing and they're drinking. I'm like, that's a Doug Stanhope show. That's a Doug Stanhope show right there.

They're like into it and they're heckling him and he's yelling at him. And I'm like, that is Doug Stanhope in Hitler times. And then, you know, he worked his way up to Munich, which I guess was the biggest, you know. That was the biggest stage he could do. He even had choreographed audiences. They would do the boot thing. He had a whole crowd of them. I'm sure he said to girls, he goes, how many seats are empty?

How many of those are comps? Did they paper the room? Is there paper out there? Did they force these people? Stanhope's opener, Junior Stopka. Do you know this guy? Funny fucking kid, man. He's on the underground.

And it was cool because Comedy Central, we went back and forth with the list on who's on the show like and uh you know uh i said you got to get this junior guy on and everybody was like super super impressed with him because he is so different he's doug's opener it's very funny he is just i met him in chicago and i was like he blew me away he's great yeah he's good man and he's you know really like like you see him and stanhope together. They match very well. Yes, yes, they do. They vibe well. It's the perfect guy for that crowd.

He's a funny guy. Doug does the same thing, you know. I think it's really important. But I think we all, none of us came up without assistance. Yes. You know, all of us in comedy, like we got to see other people work, and we learned from them, and we we talked to them and they gave us advice on who to call.

We all got help from the other headliners. We all did as we were becoming professional. I never waited for help. I really was so obsessed with doing material and getting on. I think that they saw it like, hey, this guy really wants to do it.

So they kind of... I never would get in their face. Like, I remember just like asking a guy, like, you know, I hate to ask you this, but, uh, you know, like, do you know any like open mics? And like, you know, uh, they were like, yeah, no, that's, that's a good question. And then, you know, I would do, and you know, they sent me the open mic and then I didn't see the next, that guy again for like five years, you know, cause I was doing the open mics, you know know he was like a big comic you know wow that's very cool when you run into someone like that yeah I mean like you know whenever whenever they come up to you and go like you know I'm thinking of doing comedy and then you go like you know you should

try it here and here they always have that look of like well I thought that you were gonna get me on stage right now it's like well you know this isn't bagger vance you know like you got to make an effort on your own too you know I talked to this kid once i hosted the open mic night once at the comedy store and a kid went up for his first time and he was funny yeah and and i i remember saying to the audience like like that kid has talent like if he really wanted to like if you really want to do it man you could really be a comic and he was like thanks so much that means so much and the audience clapped and everybody's really happy i was like that's awesome it's so cool to see like we may one day see that guy might be a professional comedian then i ran into him in england like years

later and he's he's on the road oh that's great doing stand-up i wish i could remember his name sorry it wasn't eddie is it wasn't funny enough for me to remember his name okay no it was i just have too many people i was kind of hoping for the other story. Then I ran over to Pink Dot 10 years later. There he was. He's making sandwiches. He's making sandwiches. He's got an angry look on his face. He's like, you could have saved me.

At the kiosk. You could have helped me. No, but by you saying that, that made his night, it made his week, it made his month. I mean, that was cool that you, and you weren't just blowing smoke up his ass. You were like, you really liked him. Yeah, no, he was really funny. I've had it happen to me a bunch of times when I was an open mic-er. Someone gives you a bump.

He says something nice to you and it just gives you this big... Marin did it once. For the longest time, Marin and I, like, I didn't go after him. Like, he would say stupid shit about me and I would let it slide. Because, you know, he's crazy. Yeah. He gets... Eccentric, I believe is the term.

I think he's awesome. I love the guy. Yes. But, you know, he is what he is. He's got his own thing. And so for the longest time, we had, like, this little negative thing back and forth until I actually wound up having a conversation with him

and doing the podcast. Now, I love the guy. I really do. I think he's awesome. But the reason why I wouldn't go after him is because when I was an open mic-er, he pulled me aside one day after my set and just said,

hey, you know, you're doing the right thing. This is great. It's really cool to see. Just keep doing your thing, man. Don't let anybody tell you any differently. You got something cool here. And I was like, wow, that's awesome. So for me, that was like-

That's great, yeah. I laughed and I was like, whoa, I could do this. I could be a fucking comedian, a real comedian. Just told me I could be a comedian. Wow. So Mark, was this in mark where was this in la this was no no no this was boston this was 1988 mark had come back from uh the comedy store when he was on our podcast he told some of the craziest fucking kinnison stories on the podcast about um

the comedy store and the coke days he was he had left that and come back to Boston so he was there for like the the heyday of kinnison's cocaine benches was like this 86 like in that era and then came back into Boston so I met him then and so he was an established comedian in Boston he was like you know he'd work at the comedy connection or Nick's or any of these clubs and I was just starting out so well what I was started in New York and then I met Mark and Tom Rhodes were the two guys that like I always found them like incredibly mysterious

because they had already lived in other cities for like a few years like I didn't even know that was possible in comedy because I was stuck in this open mic world I was like really he's like yeah no I was in San Francisco man you should check out that town it's great and I'm like what did you do he's like yeah no i was in san francisco man you should check out that town it's great and i'm like like what did you do he's like no man you just hang out like you know you

stay on a friend's couch and do all these great sets and all that kind of stuff so i didn't even know that that was possible i thought like you know i'm in new york i don't want to i don't want to lose my chance of maybe getting a spot next week you know like it was one of those things like where the spots controlled your life yeah you know it's like well i can't you know i know that's a holiday and all the real comics will be with their families. So it's going to be great for me. I'm going to get on twice.

Do you remember that? It was like Thanksgiving. Everybody's with their families. Are you available? Yes. We had a guy who came from Minneapolis to Boston and just immediately was accepted. This guy was a comic in Minneapolis.

Oh, wow. Well, that was Hedberg. He worked over there. Yeah, Hedberg was a Minneapolis comic. He was a Minneapolis comic. Was heapolis oh wow oh well that was headberg he worked over there yeah headberg was minneapolis minneapolis was he from acme was that acme uh i i i assume he was from acme and then he went to florida so he was like two comics he was a florida comic and he was whatever wow and he uh came up to new york i think he went to new york before we went to la right um i don't know i didn't meet him until L.A. Okay, yeah. So, like, in New York, I know he was there for a couple years,

and then he bopped out to L.A. And then I think it was just bi-coastal. I mean, they were on the road pretty much. I didn't get to know that guy. Really? No. Oh, for some reason I thought you guys had known. No, I mean, we were both good friends with Stan Hope,

and, I mean, he was real friendly. I met him one night at the comedy store. We went back-to-back at the comedy store. Wow, I would have loved to have seen him there. That would have been a cool show. It was a cool show because there was only like 50 people in the crowd. And they were like speckled, you know, scattered out. Those are some of the best shows.

The 50 people comedy store shows in the OR. You know what's cool about the comedy store? When the crowd is there really to laugh, and not just because they made a mistake, and they went in there because they thought it was the parking garage for the Hyatt. Don't you ever feel like there's people sitting there going like, wait a minute, this isn't the Hyatt. I can't believe what happened here.

Where's my room? There's the elevator. But when they're there to really just hang out and let the experience wash over them, they are the coolest crowd in town. Well, it's a great room, and the room has energy. There's an energy in that room where it's, you're talking about so many fucking decades of laughter

permeated the walls. The problem is there's just too many douchebags that pass through. That whole area on the strip is just filled with fuckheads. Just like people walking around? House of Blues people? Yeah, there's that, and then there's also

LA actors. People who are, just like I was saying earlier, they're a little needy. They need attention. They don't make the best audience members. I've seen more heckling at the store than anywhere on the planet. Right? Yeah, I agree with that. You got to think about one club where there's been more heckling. There's nothing you can close the store.

Maybe something in Florida. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe the place in Miami doesn't exist anymore. It's gone. You got to close it down. What about like at, you ever play Hermosa Beach? Of course you do.

Yeah, Comedy Magic Club. I love that place. I think if you heckle there, because they are so pro-comic, they'll pull you out in the street, shoot you in the back of the head. Yeah, they eat you. They serve you. They put you on a spit. Mike will not accept anything.

Zero tolerance. Yeah, he doesn't want any assholes there. He won't serve shots either. He won't let you get fucked up. Yeah, none of that. Because it's like a museum that does comedy. It really is a museum of comedy. He's what a fucking great guy.

He is. He's the best. Those guys that have been there for that long, and that club's been around since the 70s, right? He really is a museum of comedy. He's what a fucking great guy. He is. He's the best. Those, those guys that have been there for that long. And like that club's been around since the seventies, right? Yeah, I think so.

And all the guys that like the legends that play there, like Shanling and Leno and stuff like that, I guess I assume they had played there when they were younger and they just like came up through this like amazing system of like, you know, they were already kind of famous or they were like the best comics in town or something like that. And they would do the new material there.

And it's a great place for it too. Well, Leno's always done that Sunday night gig. He does it less now, like a lot of the Sundays other guys are doing. I've done a couple of them because he's doing the road now. Leno's, he's out there slaying it. I wonder how much tickets are

because I really would like to see where he is. A lot. Like how much? Like Seinfeld's? A hundred? Wow. For like, just like a shitty seat. I don't know. A hundred. But a hundred dollars. That's a lot. That's a lot like how much like seinfeld's 100 wow for like just like a shitty seat i don't know 100 but 100 that's a lot that's a lot of money that is a lot i always do that math in my head i'm like you

know i was a young guy and like 30 bucks plus you know of course you're gonna get drunk i shouldn't say that actually now that i'm thinking about it because someone told me that so let's find out let's find out i bet you his tickets are i... Let's take bets on it. I would say you can get a 75, but you're really looking at a 125, 250 right up front VIP. Wow. Okay. I would say that. I'm going to stick with my guns and say 100 bucks.

Let's see what we got here. I'll bet 20 bucks on it right now. Here we go. Friday. At the Silver Creek Event Center in Four Winds, New Buffalo. All right, forget about it. New Buffalo, Michigan. The tickets are $98.50.

Oh, you're right. There's 14 tickets left. That's 20 to you. I just want some money. But there are other ones. The tickets go as high as $120. I see. There you go.

One of them is tickets are from $216, $242, $249. Wow. See? Yeah, some of his tickets are $249. In New Buffalo, you can downtown diggle it. That's right. We're trading for it. Oh, he's at the Mirage in Vegas, the Terry Fedor Theater.

I do that same theater. I think I charge $40. Have you seen Terry Fedor? Have you seen that guy? I just can't imagine someone charging $248 for a ticket. It says priced from. Let's see what tickets are available. I bet he's got some

stupid ones in the front row that cost ass-fuck tons of money. For Terry or for Jay? For Jay. Look at this shirt. $300. I'm going to give a filter from $250 to a million dollars. Look at this shirt. You guys both had the exact same shirt at the same comedy club almost.

Who, me? Oh, look at that. Look, Joe. That's excellent. Wow, let me see again. We don't look like the same people at all, dude. Look at you. Who are you?

I was also a Bollywood actor at some point. No, you know who you look like? You look like Dom Herrera's son. Look at me really trying, too. Come on, guys. Come on. Oh, you remind me of someone else, too. God damn it.

I look like Dan Aderman's father. I look like a coat hanger. You do. Look how my body looks completely out of proportion. I didn't lift any weights at all back then. I just had this goofy frame. You look like you're a slaying dick, though, with that Tony Danza style. Yeah, you look hot, dude.

I look sexy as fuck. I look sexy as fuck. Look how much hair I had. Oh, glorious. It's funny how our shirts make that sign kind of relevant. Look at that. It's the 80s. Wear your wacky Magnum PI shit here, guys?

I guess this is the 90s, right? I don't think this is the 90s. It's got to be the 90s. Yeah. If it was the 80s, I would be like, uh, uh, uh. Rascals was a great fucking club, bro. Yeah, where is that? Yeah, Rascals Comedy.

In Jersey? No. Rascals Comedy Hours is what it is. New York City. I guess the highest the tickets go is $250. That's the highest they go. For $250 back at that club, you could buy pretty much everybody in the room a drink. You could buy the comics.

You could keep us. $250, you could have me for a couple days. I know I'm not worth anything more than what I'm getting right now. These guys are like, let's push up. I'm like, easy, easy. Isn't that gross? Yeah, I get that argument every six months. We really should raise our prices.

Nope, I can't do it. It's a lot of money. It's like, it's always the venue that, like, you know, well, if you want to make something, you got to raise it. I'm like, well, what happened from last, what did you guys put in the pool? I mean, really, what's going on here? There's also a problem in that like you know the people that are asking to raise the

rates they're not connecting with the audience they're just on the outside and they're like yeah you can get more out of that ah you can get more out of that and that's like their objective is to but your objective is to maintain like a good relationship yeah and come back come back to the club eventually yeah and you were one of the first guys that I talked to a long time ago. We were talking about a gig that was getting offered to you, and you're like, I can't go back there.

I was just there six months ago. I need to give them some new shit. I just can't go back there quick. That's an important little piece of integrity when it comes to the connection that you have with an audience that a lot of agents, they don't understand that. They just understand, they see there's money there to be made. Dave audience, that a lot of agents, they don't understand that. They just understand.

They see there's money there to be made. Dave, there's a lot of gold in that hole. We got buckets. Come on, we got buckets. Yeah, it's rain and money. And you're like, no, I know these people. I think for me, a nice resting the field would be 14 months. 14 months and then maybe give it another six months.

I'm really afraid to go back. Yeah, I'm with you. I'm really afraid to go back too soon. I really am afraid, you know? I like when I have it like I'm... It looks like I'm going to do my next comedy special at the Comedy Works in Denver. That's what I'm planning on doing. Fantastic.

Yeah. The big room or the classic room? The little room. That's a great one. That's a great one. I've got to figure out how to do it. And your idea with GoPros in the audience is fucking brilliant. It's cool.

So I think I'm going to stick some stuff on the ceiling, you know, and just keep the – I want it to be packed, though. I don't want any seats to be missing because of the cameras. You know, that could just distract you from the actual show. Absolutely. I want it to be as non-distracting as possible. No lighting that's any different. Everything exactly the same. no lighting that's any different,

everything exactly the same. The guy who did my special, Scott, he was the director, and we were both figuring out how to do it. I knew I didn't want it to look like a theater show with the pans and the booming, all the boom shots. So we did it all with little cameras, and then the GoPros, which were kind of cool because we gave it to the audience,

so they're right there. So it gives you the ultimate seat in the house by watching it and and like uh but i'm telling you dude it's so cool because it really does make me look like a better comic it really does it's like i'm like whoa dude that's like a lenny bruce move right there and it's really just me doing my shitty act but it looks so much better on the gopro you know well the the idea of doing it with the audience holding up the cameras is fucking genius. Oh, thanks, man. Thank you. Didn't you do Skanks for the Memories in Denver?

I did Skanks there, and I have to tell you that that is one of the best audiences in the country. Wendy's Club. They're fucking amazing. That is just great. And now that weed is super legal there, I am dying to go back. I just want to see what's happening. Dude, I want to move there. You've got to move there. I've been wanting to move back to Colorado for a long time, man what's happening dude i want to move there you gotta move

there i've been wanting to move back to colorado for a long time man i don't know how we lived in the show yeah i only lived there for a few months till my i my super sperm got to me wife's eggs made a baby it's very high altitude you can't live at high altitude when you're pregnant it's real tough on really on the on the lasses okay very tough. But that club was fantastic when I was living there, just for the three months, four months, whatever it was that I was there. It's a fucking great club. They have real comics there.

They have local Denver comics that are legit, and they're building talent in that club. She does it on a regular basis. Wendy is another, I guess you could say, unsung hero in comedy, because her club is about the comics, and even though she doesn't get as much attention as like some of these other like bigger clubs she really is important she's built some great comics yeah

she has man you know she's been around for a long time and she is responsible for the majority of that scene yeah like those clubs her system of open mics and getting open mics and then turning them into features or turning them into mcs rather and then the features and then eventually the headliners. That's a, you know, that's an important part of the whole scene there in Denver. In Denver. And now like I was just at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City. Have you been there? No, I haven't.

Dude, you would love this club. It's a great club. It's, it's, everyone's like, oh, it's Mormon. No, they're drinking. It's like the Jack Mormons are out there. It's a great club. told this to chris rock i'm like you know dude if you guys want to go and like work on material like these crowds are fun they get it and it's so cool like when you when you play like a refreshing like every show was cool you know every show i was trying new jokes it was great i think it used to be that there was real shit parts of the country

you would go there and you go oh this spot sucks but that's way less now because the kids that we're dealing with grew up with the internet. So everywhere you go, you're going to get a certain amount of people that get it. It's just, I think that's probably the best indication of how much different the world is, our country is, culturally, than it was back in the 70s and the 80s

and the 90s without the internet. You would go to places where people didn't know shit. But anywhere you go now, people have an internet connection, kids are sharing information, they're just more informed. They know good comedy too. Like they appreciate good comedy

and they'll come out to see you. They'll come out to see you everywhere you go. Well, I think, you know, I think there's so much other stuff now that they're like, they're being inundated with just like, you know, videos and clips and apps and all that kindundated with just like you know videos and clips

and apps and all that kind of stuff that like you know really getting them off that is is you know i say it on every radio thing it's like it's amazing when they show up it really is it is it's incredible but it's they're just not the same hicks oh that that thing everybody's been citified everybody's metro now there's an einstein bagels in alabama i always used to say that it's like you got an einstein bagel down here you know and then uh you know the places that do kind of stink now are la and new york because those have become like they're not even like urban anymore they're like international like at the comedy cellar you know you'll be playing to people who are from like you know staten island and also like countries that you've

only heard about on game of thrones like just crazy weird you know trans Staten Island and also, like, countries that you've only heard about on Game of Thrones. Like, just crazy, weird, you know, Transylvania-stan or something like that, you know? And, you know, in a way, it's kind of cool, but in a way, it just shows you, like, American comedy. You know, people want to see it. You know, they came all the way here. I want to see what this is about. Well, it's very different than comedy in other places.

I mean, I know some English people. English people like to talk shit about, like, that guy Stuart Lee had a funny thing that he was doing about American comics. And, you know, that American comics have sort of been surpassed by guys from England and Australia. Oh, really? I'm like, that's hilarious. It's really cute. Good luck with all that.

Yeah, really. Like, get the fuck out of here. Let's meet halfway at the equator and see how that works. Yeah. How about just go on after you at the improv? Give it a shot. You know, it's so funny. works yeah well how about just go on after you at the improv give it a shot you know you know it's so fun uh doug who is my guy of like you know he goes to england for like i don't know

what it is they have him in a theater there for like eight weeks or something like that yeah and he goes like you know it's amazing because these guys have to have like a whole new hour to tour through england every time and it's really like you know like they're so like their their crowds there are pretty are pretty cool with both political stuff and all that kind of stuff but they're also incredibly judgmental. They see it as a theater show or something like that. So I was like, oh, who would want to go through that grief all the time just to be playing in Piccadilly Circus? But now, you know this French guy, that comedian?

He's this kind of racist guy. He does the Holocaust jokes. No. So that's the guy that we have to go. We have to meet at the Hague and do a smackdown with him. A French guy does Holocaust jokes? Yeah. In France, I guess in France you're not supposed to talk about the Holocaust or something like that.

So he makes a big deal about it, about freedoms of speech. And he's also half black or something like that. So he talks about how the Moroccans are not treated well. I don't know the whole story, but the whole idea is that he does these jokes. And he's kind of like their renegade comic. So we need to see. He's like the French Russell Peters.

He's kind of like Russell without the money. He's Russell without the money. France wins battle to ban anti-Semitic comedians. Yeah, see, there you go. Is he funny? Well, that's the first thing

I said. And then I listened to some clips. I'm like, well. It's not good. Well, that's the problem. See,. And then I listened to some clips. I'm like, well. It's not good. Well, that's the problem. See, if it was really funny, like Otto and George. Like Otto and George.

Like Otto and George. I worked. I did Jersey Shore, those Bob Gonzo gigs with Otto and George. And I also did the, I told you I did the Dangerfield shows with him. But he had a meltdown one night on stage Where you know He was going off About Oprah And uh Oprah Winfrey

I forget the fucking joke I don't remember it But he He went He was going on this rampage About fucking her With his winning cock You know

That he's hung like a paddle That George Hung like a kayak paddle And I mean just just saying some horrible racist but hilarious shit yeah black people in the audience were fucking crying laughing i mean everyone was crying laughing it was really racist but fucking hilarious if it's good it's good he was talking about someone and two other people in a hot tub being like a scene from gorillas in the mist that's it i. I knew you were going to say it.

What was the joke? Do you remember the joke? It could be, because that was like one of those Long Island standards, you know, like I just saw a monster's ball. It looked like a scene from Gorillas in the Mist or, you know. Right. I just saw, you know, name a black movie, and he's like, I don't know if I was watching that or Gorillas in the Mist.

Well, he told me at one point in time he was doing a Kennedy bit and he told me at one point in time he was trying to rig how to make blood squirt out of George's head. Yeah. Because his wig would fall back and his brain would be exposed. Do you remember that? Yep. He would do a bit where he would throw George's head back. That was his closer. And you would see his brains

and like people, you could see people like going like, why did I eat if I was going to see the brains of like people, you could see people like going like, why did I eat if I was going to see the brains of what he's saying as the president? But I remember him coming up to me afterwards. I think it was like

one of the first times I met him. It was right after a show and he didn't smooth back the hair yet. So it was like, hey, what's up, Otto? How's it going, man?

I'm a huge fan, blah, blah, blah. And the brains were like right there so it was cool. I got to see the whole like, the whole pyrotechnic. There he is. Yeah. He, put it there. So it was cool. I got to see the whole like, the whole pyrotechnic. There he is. Yeah. Put it on.

Let's hear it. Let's hear some of that. This is a later one. Hey George, did you see Brokeback Mountain? Yeah. What'd you think? Loved him, hated him.

All right. You know the original title of that was A Fistful of Testicles? Alright, no way. We better hurry up. We got four minutes and they're throwing us out of here. Try getting in this building tomorrow, Geppetto. Alright.

George, do you like plane travel? Oh man, it sucks. Every time I get in an airplane, I'm never sitting next to a cute girl. I'm always sitting next to some old guy that wants to talk, you know? Where you from? Where you going? Where am I going? Look at your ticket! That's where we're all going! Yeah, look at that. Oh man.

I'd like to sing a song for Valentine's Day. This is the love song from the movie Jaws. Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to. Good crowd, right? Yeah, and Sonny Bono's a good skier. All right. Wow. I love Jaws. Jaws was a great movie. Remember the opening scene in Jaws? This drunk girl goes swimming naked I'm drunk about it Come on in and then you hear that on that on

Come on in the water's great. Dun dun. Hey, is anybody here from New Jersey? New Jersey? Kill yourself! What a polluted dump New Jersey is now. New Jersey, where a fart is refreshing. Seriously.

Here's a poem I wrote about Jersey. It's called Pollution. It's a poem I wrote about Jersey it's called Pollution it's a poem go ahead I shot an arrow into the air it stuck

thank you thank you thank you that's on TV it's super watered down you wanna see a no no no it's okay

I love those classic setups. Do you fly much? I love this. It doesn't matter. They have to do that kind of question. Some comics will get mad if other comics do jokes about plane travel. Like, oh, he does a joke about plane travel. Oh, they find a hack?

What year is this? This one's really old. Play it. 1988. I might not have seen this. Oh, look at the mullet. That's lawnmowers. You don't be bastard.

Look at this shit. They gave me my own microphone. Stupid cocksucker stink unreal. What year is this? 1988. Oh, wow. Look how young he looks. You ever see that Twilight Zone episode? Yeah, I saw that shit. What year is this? 1988. Oh wow. Look how young he looks. You like porno movies? I made one. It's a fuck film with all puppets.

It's called Caligula, Fran, and Ollie. I fucked Miss Piggy in this movie. I porked her. Bacon shot out of her ears. I porked that bitch. All right. So much better on sense. Yeah.

So much better. Don't you think this is a nice audience? Yeah, I've seen happier faces at firing squads. Folks, I drive a cab for a living here in New York. Any of you cheap bastards pay cabs? See if you recognize me. Hey, you want to get my feet back in the chair? I'm fucking swinging here.

Sorry. Like a marionette. All right. Make my ass look real. Okay. Get a fucking illusion going here. All right. Hey, George, how's your girlfriend Gina doing?

Oh, that slut. What do you call her that for? This girl's a slut. One time she spread her legs and a greyhound bus came out. Can you imagine that killing at Pips? Like, just crazy. Pips. Oh, I remember Pips. Never performed there.

Peeked in once and said, let me get the fuck out of here. Yeah, exactly. I just smelled the devil. That is... It was like there's a demonic presence in this. Joey Cola told me he was on stage there and a guy flashed him a gun. Yeah, that was Brooklyn, Brooklyn. Yeah.

He's on stage. That was before the hipsters moved in. He's going, fuck you, fuck you, and he shows him his gun. Pulls up his shirt and shows him his gun. That was the club that I think I got to play one time, and I was like, you know, it's such a long train ride from like, well, I was living in Brooklyn, you know, it's such a long train ride from, like,

well, I was living in Brooklyn, too, but it was, like, such a long train. And, like, I was so bad compared to everybody else there. It was like, man, like, I thought, like, they would throw me a beating just for being bad. Like, the club owner, like, you know, how dare you? Is that club still around? How dare you? No. No? It's gone?

It's all gone. What about Grandpa's on Staten Island? Is that still around? I never played there. I don't think I did. Maybe I did. I don't know, but I I never played there. I don't think I did. Maybe I did. I don't know, but I'll just say no. I don't think that is.

I did that place a long fucking time ago. God damn. There's so many of those little satellite clubs in and around New York that were great. But compared to Boston, though? Well, I just played Governors recently. Fucking great. That's a great club. The guys who run Governors, they really are another, they're really cool about comedy. They really want it to be like what it was.

And the audience has to come down and see it. But they really are into, they got their own radio thing going there. They're always trying to give new guys a day, which is so cool. They give a guy, they're like, you come in on a Wednesday, dude. You do whatever you want. Colin Quinn, I think, worked his one-man show out there for a bit.

Is the brokerage still around? The brokerage, I think, is where he did it. Yeah, that's a great club. I think Ari just did that recently. I think it is still around. I got to see Ari on the road. I want to see what that looks like.

Fucking, he's doing great. Yeah. So nice to see. The show just got picked up also. Yeah, he's got a He is rocking. He's got a show. Yeah.

And I love how he did that show. He started it out doing comedy nights. He did nights like at the improv or whatever with these storyteller shows. He'd do the little room of the improv. Then he moved to the big room of the improv. Then he moved to Comedy Central Online. And now, I mean, he like developed this thing from the seeds. So awesome.

So cool to see, man. So cool to see. And that storyteller thing, like his stuff really rocks out because we talked about it. And, like, you know, it definitely is. There's an audience for that. And it's cool that he's on top of that, you know. He's, like, the only guy I can think of that really does it like that. Well, it's a smart move.

And it was his sort of idea, I believe it was, like, to encourage, like, that style of comedy, like a storyteller style, so it'd help his storytelling. And also just as a creative exercise, have guys go up and tell stories instead of just telling their act. I see. It's a great idea, man. It's a fucking great idea. It's just so cool that Comedy Central's picking it up.

It's so cool that they're smart. I love that they picked up your show, too. It's a great idea. You're doing a new version of the Rodney Dangerfield show. It's so cool that they're smart. I love that they picked up your show, too. It's a great idea. You're doing a new version of the Rodney Dangerfield show. It's essentially very similar. I like to think it's more Caroline's comedy. Yeah, no, it's a showcase show, and it wasn't my idea,

but it was definitely something that I thought needed to be done, especially if it's uncensored. Thank you, man. What do you call it? It's called Comedy Underground. It's at the Village Underground. That's where we shoot it in New York City. It's not underground comedy.

It's not subversive mumblecore or anything like that. We had trouble with thinking of a good name for it. Oh, that's cool. The Village Underground is downstairs to get to the set? This is downstairs. This is around the block from the cellar. It's also the same people who are involved in it. This is a great show.

That was the first show. Jay Oakerson, have you seen him? He is amazing. No, I haven't is a great show. That was the first show. Jay Oakerson, have you seen him? He is amazing. No, I haven't had a chance to. He's great. He's also great. Jermaine and Joe, everybody rocked out on this show.

Wow, this is incredible. Yeah, see, that's a club. That's a real club. We didn't build that set. That's a real club. Shit, that club is amazing. This looks a lot like my special here, which is like me on stage in this club.

I have to tell you that the crowd got it right away, and they really stepped up. So, you know, let's hope there is a big crowd for this kind of stuff, the uncensored club shows. Listen, there is, man. I guarantee there is. It's not like it stopped being good. It's just people stopped having as much access to it.

When, you know, Kinison died and Dice went away for a little while, and it's just like, you know, they just probably didn't know where to to it. When, you know, Kinison died and Dice went away for a little while and it's just like, you know, there's, they just probably didn't know where to get it. Is that Jay?

Yeah. Yeah, Jay is rocking. What a great club, man. I mean, of course, Chris Rock's kind of dirty but he's also, he's too smart

to just be considered just a dirty comedian too. I like how he wears the gloves like Dice. He looks like he's, he looks like he's He looks like he's like Giving them the Like you know

You know like scared straight in high school Yeah I've done time I've done meth I know how to cook meth Don't do it But Jay is a great comic man He really is like one of my favorites

And you know I've toured with him a bunch He's just He's just a pleasure all the way around What street is this club on? This is on 3rd Street In Manhattan 3rd between McDougal and 6th Avenue.

How long has it been around for? This club, the Village Underground? Yeah. They do plenty of shows there. If you ever want to do one, they'd love to have you. It's been around forever. It's the Black Fat Pussycat is the bar, and then they have music there most of the time,

but they just started doing comedy a couple years back. Wow. Yeah. I never heard about them doing comedy there before. See, this is all the style of the special, where you see the audience, but you also see the comic close up. There's no shots for no reason, really. It's all promoting it, moving it forward.

And it just makes it look way better. And we had tons of camera problems on the show. It took me forever to edit this stuff. But it looks better. It looks way better. That's a perfect stage. I love the sign, too, that old sign behind them. Yeah, no, they put that in there, the underground thing,

but other than that, that's the classic stage. They should leave that sign in there. Yeah, I know. I told them that, too. Idiots. They wanted to take it down? Yeah, they didn't want to. Why not?

It's so cool. I don't know. The sign is awesome. I've got to get it out of my house. You have it in your house? No, that's always the thing. It's like, hey, you want it? They're not picking up the show. So did you know. This sign is awesome. I've got to get it out of my house. You have it in your house? No, that's always the thing. It's like, hey, you want it? They're not picking up the show.

So did you guys make that sign for the show? They did. Oh, my God. It's perfect. It's cool, right? Oh, but it's fake old. I don't know. I knew that it fell off the stage at one point.

Those motherfuckers, they fake olded it. It still looks badass. It still does look badass. But now that I know, you shouldn't have told me, man. It's like telling a little kid that Santa Claus is real. Oh, dude, I'm sorry. You know? There's bricks behind you that are real.

The bricks behind me are real bricks, Brian. You shut the fuck up. They're half bricks. No, they're real. Look, hit your head on it. Go run. Yeah, we had a... I had this installed.

You did? Bricks. I like what you did in here. What's behind the curtain over there? Shh, later. Don't. I'll show you later. Don't even. That's the massage room. It did? The bricks. Yeah. I like what you did in here. Yeah. What's behind the curtain over there? Shh. Later. Don't. Okay.

I'll show you later. Don't even. That's the massage room. It's gorgeous. They're warming the oil up right now. You know, that show,

The Underground, like this week, it's on late, like 1 a.m. Saturday, you know, 1 a.m. Saturday, and this week is Ralphie May,

who we were talking about earlier, April Macy, and Lunel. Do you know Lunel? No. Lunel was in the Borat movie. She's,

I still haven't seen the Borat movie. Okay, well, you know who Lunel is, right? No, no, I've seen the Borat movie.

I haven't seen the Bruno movie. I haven't seen it. I worked with her a bunch in San Francisco and she is like so cool, man. Yeah. And you know, like that,

that was cool to get all those different styles, you know, because Ralph, Ralphie's a super hardcore headliner. I mean, he's rock hard, you know, and April, I've worked with a bunch too headliner. I mean, he's rock hard, you know. And April, I've worked with a bunch, too.

She really knows how to throw down a joke. And Lunel, like, takes it in a different direction. So it was good to give that balance. And how much time is everybody doing? About four or five minutes. That was the whole part. Oh, wow. I said cut me down.

So it's a half-hour show? Yeah. Whoa. I said cut me down because I want them to do their solid acts, you know. Four or five minutes? And they would roll out 12, 15 minutes. So it was a lot of material. And you'd have to chop it? Well, yeah, the network wanted to do their solid acts you know four or five minutes and they would roll out 12 15 minutes it was a lot of material well yeah the network wanted to do it and i said like i just let me take a look

at it you know i figured if i looked at it it'd be a little bit you know smoother than if the network did it yeah did they let you edit it yeah they they eventually i jumped in on it well that's cool that they're letting you edit it you know the more power they give you the more control over it you obsess obsess about shit, man. I really do. I remember when we did that porn show together. You, you, uh, I just couldn't believe how much you were obsessing. Right.

Like the various aspects of what worked and what didn't work. What's the next scene we should watch? Yeah. You had notes and notes and notes. I figured it was a show you just show up. No, we really wanted it. I wanted it to be so, like, tribute show, funny show. Like, I mean, it was unscripted, we really wanted it. I wanted it to be so like tribute show, funny show.

I mean, it was unscripted, but you're right. We were obsessing because we did all this prep work on like, well, this movie was an important movie for our star, and this one was like a movie they directed. So we were trying to tell like this half-assed story, but you're right. I obsess. I take all the fun out of every fucking thing I do. It's not the fun out of it.

You just have a great connection to your work. You really want it to come out good. Thanks for saying that, man. That's so important, man. It's very inspiring because it's very uninspiring when you're around someone who doesn't care what they're doing. It doesn't mean anything to them. So when I see a guy like you with a big stack of ruffled notes and you're fucking writing on this

and you've got producers coming over and giving suggestions and you're fucking writing on this and you got producers coming over and giving suggestions and you're trying to piece together i'm like wow this is like way more it was not just way more effort but like your intent was really kind of noble like you really were trying to respect these people and pay tribute to them yeah like when you had like uh ginger lynn on that was one of my favorite episodes, you and Ginger. That was fun. It really was. Yeah.

I've known her from the Comedy Store days, from way back in the day. She's a very nice person. She's always been a very nice person. She's a sweetheart. And I wish that show was still going, because that was definitely one of the funnest things I've ever done. And I really do feel like, you know when you say you're obsessing and stuff like that it's like it usually takes any show about a season to figure itself out maybe not so much now because

I guess like people are better at television or something like that but like you know even when you're the guy who comes up with the idea and like I came up with that idea with Stuart Bailey who's a great dude and like even though we thought it out and we got it together and all that kind of stuff, you still don't know.

You still don't know. And that's why like editing is so important and like learning from your mistakes and like trying to make it better every week. And I think that a lot of that is kind of like gone on the wayside now because people are just pumping out product. Yeah, no, I think you're right. I think it's just, well, the idea that you came up with is just a fucking great idea, the floating couch over the decks and stuff. Yeah, no, and all that stuff was just like in the editing room. Hey, let's try this.

Let's try, you know, like whatever, like Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. You try this. I'll try it. You know, and like it just happened, and it was so good. It was so good that we're like, can we do that again? And like you can't afford it. That was the whole thing about editing and doing it on your own budget. It really is like, how much can I afford?

Yeah. No, it's a... So I have to learn how to edit. Why'd they stop doing it? They didn't want another season. I don't know. And I have great tapes. I have Otto and George on there.

I have Doug Stanhope. I have Jay Moore. I have all these great people who did not get a chance to get on there. I have David Alan Greer. I have just all these great comics. You mean you have them on film that you did it with? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Can you put it online? I can't. No, not at all. I heard that your apartment got broken into and it all got online. Okay. That's what I heard. Okay. Oh, thank you.

Yes. Did you know that? I didn't know that. Dude. Oh, boy. Yeah. It's going to be on BitTorrent in a couple of days. I okay all right or vimeo yeah we can uh that's is that how you drop it now okay that's what i heard no it's until i own the rights again until i own the

rights again it really is uh you know uh it's kind of like one of those things where like i really don't know what you know what to say because there are fans of it you know they're like when are we going to see this? But right now, I'm just so glad not to be editing. So that's great. It's a relief. I'm sure. Yeah, I'm sure it's a relief.

Have you ever had to do that kind of thing where you do the post-production on a project too? Yes. Yeah, it's not that fun. What project would it be? Like a special? Joe Rogan questions everything. I did a little bit on that. There you go. Never on a comedy special.

I mean, I've obviously edited my specials. Yeah. My own specials. Which is another form of torture, by the way, looking at yourself a thousand times. It's not good. It's not good for your head. It definitely isn't. Because I don't like watching myself, but I don't mind listening to myself if I'm working

on new material. Yeah. But if you watch yourself too much, you listen to yourself too much, you'll be like, ew. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you don't want to watch yourself anymore. You don't like yourself anymore. And you don't want to hear the same jokes coming out of your own mouth over and over. It's one thing if you tell them, but another thing if you watch them.

Yeah, like all my bad habits. I can see all that. Like, you know, even when you're showing the old clip of me as a boy, Davey Attell, I was like, oh, look at that. Look at the bad habits that are about before smoking. That's hilarious. Yeah. No, it's so true uh i think that it's good though it's good to see those bad things so you kind of it tightens up your act it

tightens up my act when i don't like it you know when i don't like it it forces me to like cut out the fat pick up the pace right i'll put a little more juice into this a little more writing into that a little more you know it's all the process, I think, is the review part of it is a big part of it for creating new stuff. Yeah. And if I don't, I mean,

I don't do it just because I don't like it because it makes me uncomfortable to watch myself or listen to myself, which, by the way, almost every comic I know feels the same way.

Really? Yeah. Okay, good, because I've seen guys laugh at their own tapes and I'm like, how do you do that? Who are they?

You must have been raised right that you really love yourself. Who are those fucking weirdos? I've seen a guy like he's watching himself on TV and he's like, oh, man. He can't be good. He can't be good. And if he is good, he's annoying. He's one of those guys that's good on stage but annoying as fuck off stage.

Like he wants to tell you about his new bits all the time. All right. They want to try him out on you. Tell me if you think there's something in this. The other day, I see this lady and you're like, oh, my God, you're going to do your fucking material on me? What are you doing here? Oh, wow. You ever have that?

Yep. Yeah, and they think it's hilarious. They'll listen to their own shit. Yeah, like if it's a long bit? They'll show you the notes. Listen to this shit I'm working on. Look at this. Oh, wow.

Now, the only time I bring up a bit of that, I go, like, do you have a joke like this, or do you? It's called joke checking. But other than that, like, you know, like there's some guys like Mike Vecch it's called joke checking but other than that like you know like there's some guys like mike vecchione's great joke writer i'll be like uh okay let's work on let's work on some jokes you know and then like we'll just go spitball back and forth or something yeah joke checking is very important because sometimes you you go god damn it this joke seems too easy yeah

somebody um on youtube helped me out or on twitter rather. I was talking about this new, I have this new bit, and in the bit, there's a thing about milk substitutes, like almond milk. And I said, almonds don't have tits, that's not milk. But apparently, Louis Black had already had almost the same joke with soy. When was the last time you saw soy tits? You know, it's not milk.

It was there. I didn't see it quick enough. He saw it first, but I got checked by Twitter. So it's enough. He saw it first. Yeah, it's his. But I got checked by Twitter. That's cool. So it's nice. Yeah, it's very cool. And that's cool that the fans helped you out on that because, you know, I do think that, like, due diligence, you know, and you can't, like, you know, sometimes, you know, whatever.

Well, one of those things, like, that's something that if you gave that subject to 100 guys and said, hey, what do you think about milk substitutes? Ten of them are going to say, you know, almonds don't have tits. Right. They're just going to think, well, what's there? Milk. Okay, where does milk come from? It comes from nipples.

Nipples is kind of funny. Almonds have nipples? What the fuck are you talking about? And it's right there. It's like, just follow the normal natural steps. Exactly. It's like water going. It's going to go to where it belongs.

Yeah. That's where that joke belongs. It's parallel thinking. It's going to go to where it belongs. Yeah. That's where that joke belongs. It's parallel thinking. It's going to happen with that, with something along those lines. Or fill in the blank. There's always a – remember those Met Alert? I'm falling. I can't get up.

Remember that? They had a commercial. Do you remember that commercial? There was – a Met Alert was a thing that an old lady, they would fall down. They would press a button, and they would yell into it. It was like a little walkie-talkie. Help, I've fallen and I can't get up. And I Can't Get Up jokes were, that was...

Bread and butter. That was a monster. You had to have an I Can't Get Up joke. Like every comic in 1988, 1989 had a Fallen and I Can't Get Up joke. It became Hack within like six months. It's like Tinder now. People have Tinder jokes? Everyone has a Tinder joke. Everyone has like within like six months. It's like Tinder now. People have Tinder jokes? Everyone has a Tinder joke.

Everyone has like all these new apps. Yeah, app jokes. I think I don't even know if I just heard this recently come out of my own mouth. No, it was the woman from the iPhone, I can't get up, was also the woman from the clapper. And I think this is someone else's joke. It was like, this lady can't get a break. I don't know what it is. I know somebody said that.

And I was like, wow. I didn't know both it is. I know somebody said that, and I was like, wow. I didn't know both things were still in play. You know, Clapper. Well, it was one of those things where comics would have to get on stage first because they wanted to be the first guy to do a fall and I can't get up joke because you didn't want to be the middle. If the opener did the I fall and I can't get up joke, then you can't do your big closer.

Well, that's the thing about headlining when you realize that, like, you know, the sweet spot on the show is always the middle. The opener has it rough and you have it rough. But the middle guy, like, he can roll through 50 premises and leave you with nothing. You know, and then you're like, wow, now it is a job. And you got the check spot. And that's the thing, like, with the middle of the walk-off stage. It's like, yeah, they were good.

I'm like, yeah, of course they were. That was like fishing, you know, that was like fishing forever up there. I mean, like, you know, there was no, like, you don't need a license. You know, you can just put the nets in and they're jumping in the boat. Now you left me nothing. Well, the opener is definitely the hardest spot. Oh, absolutely. Especially the first 10 minutes.

You got to get everybody rolling. You got to come out of the gate strong. And you can't be too needy out of the gate. You've got to establish control of the stage and then get everybody into the trance. Get them all laughing. Well, I was like energy open. A guy who uses the energy. I think that's cool.

And then they should do a couple of jokes so that people know it's not a rally. Yeah, that would be a nice thing. That would be a nice idea. A rally. What are you guys looking at? Is there a – I thought we were looking at the Clapper commercial. Oh, no. No, we can pull it up if you want.

He's looking at pictures of you from back in the day, you sweet bitch. Oh, get that ugly, disgusting – get it off, please. Do you like living in New York? I hate it. Do you really?. Do you like living in New York? I hate it. Do you really? Oh, no. Living in New York? I like New York over L.A., I guess, just because I'm not a big driver or whatever.

But, you know, at this point. You cab everywhere? You take subways? What do you do? I take a cab. I like to rent a bike. I don't know. No, I don't do that.

You actually talk about bikes and wind power. A lot of people ride bikes, right? I feel like I'd never live anywhere. You know, I always felt like, you know, I live in New York, you know, family stuff and all that kind of stuff there and all that. And then I go out to L.A. for work. But I really do feel that, like, you know, it's cool. It would be cool to have, like, the third location, like a Costa Rica or something like that. You know these comics who have, like, two weeks, like, they go to Italy or something like that. You know these comics who have like two weeks, like they go to Italy or something like that?

I think that's really cool. Yeah. I would like to do that too. Where would you pick? What would be your third location? Alaska. Alaska. Really?

Yeah. Wow. Go to fucking Anchorage. Get a fat spread outside of Anchorage. Life below zero. Yeah, but do it in the summer. Well. Dude, first of all, it's light out all day. Yeah, I know. I've been there. It doesn't get dark. Well. Dude, first of all, it's light out all day.

Yeah, I've been there. It doesn't get dark. Two o'clock in the morning, it's light out. You're walking around, it's light out. People are cool as fuck. And if you wanted to be a place where you could hang out in the summer like a retreat, it's the best spot. You couldn't come up with a better spot.

Yeah. It is beautiful up there. It really is. Oh, it's fucking glorious. Anchorage is glorious. I can't wait to get back there. I got to schedule another gig. I was there in July.

Fairbanks? Yeah, I'm thinking of doing New Year's next year there. Jokey Charlie's. Flying on January. Come in, guns blazing. Fuck it. I love that show. Five degrees below zero.

It gives a shit. Life below zero. No sunlight ever. Fuck it. Guns blazing. Da, da, da, da, da. That is a good crowd. Practice archery during the day. Guns blazing. Da, da, da, da, da. That is a good crowd. Practice archery during the day.

Do shows at night. That's the second archery reference you've made. Catch fish with spears. Really? The second one? No, in the beginning we were talking about archery. And I was wondering, do you do archery? Yeah, yeah.

But I've been doing it for a little while now, for a few months. I guess it's about a year now. Because I was just at a sporting goods store and I was saying it at the club. I go like, they'll lock up guns, but bow and arrows, that's still free range. Free range. It's like you bring your daddy,

bring your daughter in. Hey, you want to play Hunger Games? Yeah, grab a bow and arrow. They're just out there. I think that's cool. And they've got some super cool bows now. Oh, that's what I said earlier. I was talking about the archery range in the new studio.

Oh, in the club. Yeah. Yeah, you could go to a place. The place I went to, well, there's a great place in Springfield, Oregon called the Bow Rack. This guy's got this insane setup, and he tunes all my bows. He tunes them up and then sends them down to me, but he's got an indoor range that also has some sort of a...

Pull that up, because it's kind of crazy. It's like a 3D range where it's a video. The video pops up and you shoot arrows at animals and shit. Oh, neat. Okay. The Bo-Rack in Springfield, Oregon. But I buy my arrows from that guy, too. And from huntersfriend.com,

I buy them from them. They make arrows for you. Because you gotta... Like, arrows, they get fucked up. Yeah. Some of them snap. Sometimes you shoot an arrow into another arrow and they explode. You Robin Hood them. Otherwise, you know, they'll go through the target and hit the metal post behind the target and shatter.

Wow. Yeah. If you miss and hit a rock, they're doomed. Oh, this is cool. Is this going on right now? Is this what it is? What is this? It just says

archery 3d range no no no go to the bow rack in springfield oregon they have a website and on the website they have a description of this whole thing that they do where i don't know how they do it some sort of a game and you shoot bows and arrows at these moving targets like a big screen that you would like shoot bows and arrows out like video game. I don't know how it works. I wonder if, like, you know, in every one of these movies you see the flaming arrow. Yeah. Like, I wonder if that, like, really, like, it's got to be some kind of, like, tar or something they put on it, right? Yeah.

It can't just be, like, you know, you put some rags on that shit. No, you'd have to have some gasoline, like. Yeah. Like, when you see those, like. In the movies. Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones, yeah. Yeah.

Dragon Breath or whatever it's called. They did do it. Yeah. I mean, like, you know, it seems to work in the movies. Game of Thrones. Yeah. Dragon Breath, whatever it's called. They did do it. Yeah. I mean, like, you know, it seems to work in the movies all the time, but I don't remember me and my friends as kids, like, trying to do that, so... Yeah, find the... It's in there somewhere. Find it on the website.

Don't look under videos. Look under, like, whatever the fuck it is. You'll find it. You're smart. I know you. You could do it, kid. But it's a fun way to clear your head have you ever do it but like in the scouts maybe yeah i always thought that would be a cool

thing to know how to do really well like bow and arrow like yeah yeah well it's fun it's like while you're doing it you know trying to just locate that target and put an arrow in the target is it's really odd like it frees your mind And I think it probably connects us with, like, some fucking ancient genetic memory of, you know, bows and arrows, like, taking out animals. What is the yardage of that? Like, a football field? Can you kill something in a football field? You could, but it wouldn't be ethical because the idea of you hitting it is not so good. I understand.

But I'm saying, like, what's the range on a bow and arrow? Like, you know, a slingshot, they usually say, like, 50 feet, whatever, 80 feet. Well, okay. I know of a guy who killed a deer at 140 yards with a bow and arrow. Really? Yeah. Wow. He's just this crazy archer.

And this was at this place in, I forget the name of the archery pro shop in Orange County where this guy works out of. I'll find it. He's that good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a real professional archer. And it's like one of his pet tricks is that he can kill a deer like over 100 yards, which is very rare. Most shots you make if you're going to shoot a deer is like 20 yards. 40 yards is a fairly long shot.

Like there's a big difference between 20 and 40 yards. With a rifle, it's nothing. With a rifle, 40 yards is an easy shot. But with a bow, it's very hard. I figured. And what about that, always that one shot you see in every movie where they get it through their calf and now they're limping? That's like every movie.

I get it in my calf, rip it out. The reality is it would blow right through your leg. I can imagine. Yeah, it blows through elks. Like my friend Cameron Haynes, he's this famous bow hunter. You saw a picture of him in the front of that. He's pulling it up.

He blows holes through elk, like a 1,200-pound elk. You shoot the arrow, it goes right through their body. They call it a pass-through. And what's the arrowhead? Like, what is that? It's a blade. It's a blade. It's a series of three razor blades.

Oh, shit. That was hard. Yeah, they're called broadhead blades, and there's, like, three of them. And they're attached to this steel tip, and they just cut right through the animals. Would that go through, like, would it go through armor? No. No, okay. No, no, no.

That's amazing. It would go through, you know, a sheet of metal. Oh, neat. A thin sheet of metal. That is a cool skill to have, man. It's amazing. It would go through, you know, a sheet of metal. Oh, neat. A thin sheet of metal. That is a cool skill to have, man. It depends on how far away it is. Yeah, well, it's a very challenging way to try to acquire your meat, if that's what you wanted to do. Yeah.

If you wanted to just be a guy who was just, especially if you use like an old school recurve bow. There's dudes out there that hunt with old school, like, you know, no sights. Long bow. Just a long bow. And they're shooting arrows into animals, and that's where they get all their meat from. It's pretty fucking caveman of you. That's the real deal. I mean.

Maybe that's your next show. Maybe the crossbow. That's like the kind of suburban guys, you know. It's a little easier. There's a lot of complaints about crossbows because they're allowing people to hunt with crossbows now during archery season in Wisconsin. It's a big, a big point of contention because the regular archers know how difficult it is

to get good with a bow and arrow. But with a crossbow, all you have to do is point that bitch, look down the sight, and toot you. Yeah, it's very similar to that. Well, the Walking Dead thing revitalized that whole love affair. Yeah, everybody gets excited now about Daryl's crossbow. That is it. Yeah, the Walking Dead, I can't believe how good that show got thisbow. That is it. Yeah, The Walking Dead.

I can't believe how good that show got this season. I thought it was going to die. I thought it was over. I was like, this show, I'm done with it. But this season, it came back so strong. It's like they just revitalized it. They figured out what they did wrong. Yeah, that is.

I never read the novel, the graphic novel or anything like that. But it is definitely riveting. I never read the graphic novel because it doesn't exist. It's a fucking comic book. Oh, sorry. Dorks. I was trying to be, uh... Graphic novel. I was trying to, uh...

I'm tired of the people saying the graphic novel. You know what the fuck that is, son. Do they talk in little bubbles? Yeah, that's called a comic book. But it's like a $30 comic book. That's a lot out of my paper route. If you put it in little kid money, that's a lot of saving up at the lemonade stand. Well, I used to love those, the old school ones they used to be these big ones called creepy and eerie do you remember those they were really good drawings and black and white and you know they were kind of like graphic novels too that was that was definitely like the heavy metal years yeah like that kind of year oh yeah heavy metal remember the heavy metal comic books it was a

magazine right yep and it was like it was like it was like porn light because it had all those cool chicks in it. And then it had the cool trippy shit. Did it have tits? Did they show porn tits? They would show those, whatever, those savage princesses. Yeah. Fights and all that kind of stuff. So it was a lot of fun.

Yeah. That's right. Remember the movie? Remember Heavy Metal the movie? Yes. Do you remember that? Yeah, my friend worked on it. Her mom did the scene with the Corvette, Rita Lux, with the hot chick and the Corvette.

Pull some of that up. I don't even remember that. Wow. There was a time where they were making animated adult movies. Do you remember Wizards? Yeah. Do you remember Wizards? Yes.

I just saw that recently. It was a great fucking... For the longest time, I had a Wizards? Yeah. Do you remember Wizards? Yes. I just saw that recently. It was a great fucking, for the longest time I had a Wizards poster. That was like a big message movie, you know, about like war and like, you know, music, whatever. But that's the one where they had like the Hitler speeches would create evil. And then the other, yeah, I recently just saw it. Probably that was like one of those things that's like on the, you know, like weird on demand scrolls. I haven't seen it in forever, but now I want to see it. Probably that was one of those things that's like weird on-demand scrolls. I haven't seen it in forever, but now I want to see it. That's crazy.

Isn't it weird how there's memories that you normally can't access, but all of a sudden you go down a road and you're like, oh, what is this? You find it on the ground. Oh, Wizards. I love it. Whoa. You know, it's like if you had asked me, you know, there was an animated film. It was from the 1970s.

And you'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, normally, without going down this road, I would never have access to that movie. But we're going down the heavy metal road. As soon as you, you know, we went from Creepy and Eerie to heavy metal. Heavy metal. To heavy metal, the movie. Right. And animated movies for adults.

And then, boom, Wizards. You'll be on the future to a universe you've never seen before. This is definitely it. Wow. This is it. It looks great. They used a different kind of form of

animation where they actually drew over real stuff. So that's why the people look kind of weird and realistic. They just drew over like live action.

This is incredible. I need to watch this movie again, too. I saw this in the movie theater. This is a big midnight show. Yeah. No, I saw Wizards in the movie theater, too. Oh. Wow, this is wild.

Good landing, man. This is what year, Brian? It's the 80s, right? The 80s. 81. Wow. Holy shit. This was my freshman year of high school.

This is it. Yeah, this scene. They use, really? They drew, oh, that's right. He cooked the guy. Yeah, they use something called rotoscoping, where that's actually a guy Underneath there acting

Wow Boy the voiceover's awful Look at those tits What a good kid Everybody's so That was before fake tits Those are real son Harry

Oh it was that was great they tricked you it was every guy's fantasy just enough ships and tits just enough when you're 16 yeah Wow ships and tits that was the working title great What a great fucking movie. Play that. This is in the movie preview, though, I guess. We can't play it. It's all vignettes, you know? So this is the one where she fights the evil on that weird bird. This was Game of Thrones before Game of Thrones.

Oh. And there was that weird theme song, too, right? Wow, this is incredible to see. This is great. 1981. South Park remade this. Yes.

It was probably one of the best episodes ever. Wow. That was with the cat piss, right? When they go into the crazy universe. I have two must-see things now. That and Wizards. Pull up Wizards. Robert Bakshi?

Is that what the guy's name was? Wizard has a lot of message to it. Yeah, I don't really remember the message, but that was even before heavy metal. I saw Wizards with my stepdad, and I was like, that ain't it. That's South Park's version. See, this is South Park. Kenny gets high on cat piss.

It's really funny. The heavy metal world. Right into the movie. That's the song. Yeah, that's really funny. The heavy metal world. Right into the movie. That's the song. Yeah, that's the song. Oh, this is amazing. Wow. This guy's just so good.

This is for the people listening. This is just something you need to watch on YouTube. That's a convertible Trans Am song. With the eagle on the hood. The real one. The Burt Reynolds one. They sold one of those on that show Fast and Loud. You ever see that show Fast and Loud?

Yes. The car show. They actually have one like that? They sold a real old school Burt Reynolds smoking the band Trans Am. And Burt Reynolds signed it. He signed the dash. They flew down to Florida and met him at his house and held the dashboard out for him,

and he signed it for them. It's pretty cool. That would be, would he be, like, one of your ultimate guests, you think? Burt Reynolds? Yeah. He's hurting these days, man. Had a lot of physical pain.

He's, like, if you see him, he's bent over, and he walks with a cane. He's really hunched over. Yeah, but it would be cool to get him, like, I mean, like, really, if he would want to come in, I think that would be, like, a great guest. He would definitely be a great guest, but I feel like, I mean,

I would really have to talk to him to try to figure that out. To see if he's okay, yeah. Yeah, I feel like someone who's, I mean, he's, when I saw him on Fast and Loud, see if he could pull it up, Brian, because it's crazy to see. Yeah, we showed that.

Oh, we did show that, that's right. He's so hunched over that it looks like the guy's in agony. Oh, wouldn't want to have a you know tell me about sally field's pussy oh yeah you know what i mean what i liked about burt reynolds and not only was he like the ultimate like you know sex god whatever kind of dude like you know whatever that was but he he also was like another guy who like he directed like he was like one of those guys like he he crossed over to be the director really early on. I think he was a franchise guy, like Smokey and the Bandit or whatever it was.

He made that jump because he was that big a star. So he was one of the last big stars who could do whatever he wanted. He was a pretty huge star. He was an awesome fucking actor, man. I mean, people only know him from the Smokey and the Bandit days or some of the other crazy shit that he did. But he'd go way back to fucking Deliverance, man. Yeah. Remember?

In Deliverance, he used a bow and arrow to shoot that dude. See? Full circle. Oh, shit. Bring it on back to bows and arrows. Yeah, there he is. Oh, you're right. He still looks pretty good.

Oh, look at that, man. See his posture? That's so hard to see. He was a football player, man. Yeah. Guy was a stud. To see him this broken down, bent knees, walking with a cane, probably in real agony there.

That doesn't look like I would want to be on a fucking podcast if I looked like that. And I don't think he leaves Florida either. I think he just chills. It's rough seeing your hero slowly rot away before your eyes, David Tell. Exactly. Is this Wizards? eyes, David Tell. Exactly. Is this Wizards? Yeah, this is Wizards.

It's also filmed the same way using rotoscoping, which is real actors underneath these people. How did they get real goblins? Oh, that you can tell right there, that is. You can tell the motions. This is some scary moments in this one, by the way. It's a good fucking movie, man. It was fun. When you're a little kid, you're like, what's happening here?

What's going on? What's it like, one guy was the good What's going on? What's the story? One guy was the good guy, and the other guy's brother was evil. Yeah, the good wizard and then the bad one. ...from the day they were born. Wow. Avatar, the good, who rules the peaceful kingdom of Montagard with wisdom. Science and technology were outlawed millions of years ago.

He's a Brooklyn wizard. Black Wolf, the future Fuhrer. Attention! Wow. He rediscovers the ancient secrets of propaganda, technology, and war. Wow, this is wild.

And sends out his muted armies in a reign of unimaginable terror. Those are the good people, the little elves. More tits! They were free in the 70s. The loyal elf, Weehawk. And peace.

Black Wolf's evil robot henchman. What year was this, Brian? Who was transformed into an avenging instrument of justice 87? Really? No Wow, that's cool that it's later No, I don't know

No, no, no Yeah, I'll find out 1977 1977? That makes sense Yeah, because I was I saw it when I was really young I remember that

I guess I was 10 That's crazy. They should be showing it in schools. Teach the kid about propaganda. I know, right? Well, it's also to teach him about the evolution of culture and art. If you just look at those movies, like the heavy metal movie and that movie,

they were so much more... It was weird. They had to do things like that because they didn't have the kind of CGI we had today. So it was almost like their alternative was to go artistic and make this fantasy world through all drawing and animation and ways where you didn't have to totally make it real. You could still enjoy it.

Instead of having it be... If you went back to really shitty, old-school King Kong, like King Kong from the 30s animation oh yes that's kind of what they had from those days but i love that really old old animation with the like you know the steamboat willie i like what it's like ink just all black and white i like that i like that it's like amazing drawing you know do you ever see those guys do those stop motion claymation things that they used to do for like King Kong? Yes!

And they used to do each frame, move it a little, each frame, move it a little. What was his name, Ray Harryhausen? Is that what the guy's name was? I don't know. Did you ever see The Wizard? What's The Wizard? Not The Wizards, but The Wizard. That's maybe you should check out. Here's one of the best clips from it ever. The Wizard?

This dates. Look how cheesy. You the wizard? No, he is. This guy? I don't get it. Is he like a poster child for someone? For your information, butthead, he's headed for the video championships in Los Angeles.

Remember this? No. Well, he's just a really good video game player. Yeah, this is when video games first came out. Wow. Guys. So what year is this? This is, uh, wait, 89.

Pick any game you want. But watch this. I'm good at all of them. I have 97 of them. Wow. You know all 97 of them? Remember the Power Glove? You know all 97 of them? Let's check this. Remember the Power Glove?

He had a Power Glove? For a video game? I don't remember any of this. Yeah, they actually used to sell this. No way. Yeah, it was horrible, though. What was it for? You used to be able to control certain video games with it,

but it was really poorly designed. This is hilarious. He plays a game called, I think, Rad Racer or something like that. What year was this? Narco Trafficker. 89, 87. So this guy's hooking the console up to the TV. A big giant TV, I should add.

TV looks like a house. Watch this. Road Racer. So he's choosing everything with his glove. Wow, look at the graphics. Oh my god, this is hilarious. Your GPS is more exciting now than that. You're all getting intimidated.

Look at this. They're intimidated. This kid is steering with his glove. And everyone's getting intimidated. He's the best. He's the best I've ever seen. That's the Wonder Kid guy. He's the best. He's the best I've ever seen. That's the Wonder Kid guy. Yeah, Fred Savage. Fred Savage. He's, like, dead now, right?

How old is he? Is he dead? No, he's not dead. But how old is he now? I don't know. But back then, everyone was shitting themselves when they saw this, you know? Yeah, this is incredible. This guy's steering.

And the music, the inspirational music. Watch this. Oh, my God. This is the best part. when they saw this you know yeah this is incredible this guy's steering in the music the inspirational music oh my god this is the best part I love the power glove it's so bad well he puts it right up his ass you know he does there you go Fred there you go, Fred. There you go, Fred. Wow. Wow. That's gross.

The guy's name was Willis O'Brien. He was the one who did the stop motion animation in 1933. 1933 King Kong. Have you seen the trailer for Godzilla?

Yeah, the new one. Fucking looks awesome. I haven't seen it. Do you watch old school movies, Dave? Yeah, I new one. Fucking looks awesome. I haven't seen it. Do you watch old school movies, Dave? Yeah, I do. Do you ever watch old school movies and imagine trying to live in that time? Yes. Do you?

Yeah, I always like it better. Although, there's some times I would never, like the colonial times, I find that the most boring times ever. That movie, that new show, Turn, it's like spies and colonial time, who cares? What is it? I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, okay. Well, it's like Revolutionary War era spy ring, you know, the Americans.

But they have great dialogue. It's like, you have to leave. You have to get to Delaware. You know, it's like all like local stuff that you can get there like on a bus ride now. But it's like, I don't know, it's going to take me three days to get to Jersey. And then, you know, like they're colonial spies. So it's like boring. But, you know, like, they're a colonial spy. So it's, like, boring. But, you know, it's, like, educational.

So that's the big show now on in between Walking Dead seasons. It's on AMC. Yeah, if you're going to go back through time, you want to go, like, Cowboys in India is a good era. Yeah, fun time. That's a good time. Way deep, you want to go, like, you know. Medieval times.

Medieval times. Roman times. Gladiator times. Colonial times, not much. Colonial times is probably pretty fucking boring. I'm not interested. Medieval times. Medieval times. Roman times. Gladiator times. Colonial times. Not much. Colonial times is probably pretty fucking boring. I'm not interested. Yeah, exactly.

I'm telling you right now. What a bad choice. Well, but it's all like, you know, they're spies. So it's like weird stuff. Like they'll write like the guy's name on an egg. You know, but it's colonial times. You know what's interesting? They'll never have a show on Civil War.

What are you talking about? Oh. Like a Civil War show where they show like they follow around the South, follow the soldiers around. Make it a comedy. The people were fighting for slavery. Oh, those guys. You know, like the old days, the Hogan Heroes days, they had a show about the goddamn Holocaust. Yeah, yeah, they did.

I mean, it was a sitcom about a concentration camp in Germany. American soldiers who were always tricking those dumb Germans. But Klink was one of the stars. Colonel Kurtz, he was one of the stars. No, Colonel Klink and Schultz.

Schultz was one of the stars. They were stars. He's German and they were buffoons. Did Hitler ever come on the show? Was he ever a part of the show?

They would have him drive like, be like, the Fuhrer's in that car and you'd never see him and they would dig high on the car and then he'd go out.

I thought that was an excellent move. You never really get to see him. But Hogan was always well-fed. He always looked fine. Yeah, because he was always tricking them. He was always tricking them. That was a ridiculous show. Could you imagine someone pitching a show like that today?

Well, this was the season finale. It didn't end good, did it? Was there a season finale? They just all died? Yeah, they all got gassed. They all got... The joke is on you, Hogan. The end of the show's series

is 30 years after the fact. Some guy's a Holocaust denier and he's mocking it all. And then they fade to black. That's some weird fucking thinking. Holocaust deniers? I've had some people send me videos just watch this

with an open mind uh not really gonna do that do you think they could ever do a sitcom you know like a comedy with Hitler like a Hitler Knows Best

where he's like married or something didn't they try and do that where in England cause they usually have coolers you know up until recently like their TV was way ahead of us but wasn't it where like

Hitler had retired and he was living in England it was like an 80s show I believe yeah like you remember Mel Brooks Springtime for Hitler yeah it was something like that you know that story what is it he uh one of his movies what was the movie do you remember the movie Springtime uh the producers the producers he he had all this money that he was trying he was trying to make for whatever reason, trying to make this Broadway musical fail. He was trying to make the worst Broadway musical ever, so he made Springtime for Hitler. The idea was that it would be a musical about Hitler,

but people loved it. It became like a smash hit. I think it's called Hail Honey, I'm Home. Yeah, Hail Honey, I'm Home. That's it. What? Get the fuck out of here. I got to see the opening things. Hail Honey, I'm Home. Yeah, Hail Honey, I'm Home. That's it. What? Get the fuck out of here. I got to see the opening things.

Hail Honey, I'm Home. Under the billing, not so much a sitcom. Oh, my God. Unfortunately, neither Brandon nor the series were heard of again until now. A chance discovery in a Burbank backlog has revealed the lost tapes. In Burbank, not my house. Hail Honey, I'm Home. Tapes that we believe vindicate Brandon's unsung comic vision. Wow.

Okay. Let's see what the opening, I got to see the opening show. Heil, honey, I'm home. Oh my God. Dude, this isn't real. I don't believe this at all. No, this is... Yeah, I'm not sure if this is... This is parody. Kyle, honey, me. What did I do now? Oh, tonight you will make a schnitzel. What a joke. You must be real mad at me, honey. I'm a very, very bad Hitler. Come here, babe.

Don't touch me. You've been late for your dinner every night this week. Ava, babe, please. I'm the Fuhrer. I'm a busy man. I can't just walk off the job at 5 o'clock. On Monday, you had to meet with Goebbels. On Tuesday, Von Ribbentrop. On Wednesday, Klaus Katzenjammer.

Who's Klaus Katzenjammer? He's my tailor. You should see the tux, honey. You see, everyone's more important than Ava. Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Schickelgruber. You may be big stuff in Germany, but I knew you when you were just a house painter. Wow. Oh, my God. They're almost out of Hitler jokes.

Oh, my God. That is awful. They're almost out of all the Hitler jokes. It's like two minutes in. That doesn't even seem real. Yeah, I don't think that's what I I think that there was something else Like the English version Because that seems like that was just done

Like a couple years ago That seems like it was just Like a sketch I guess it's It is home It is real Is it from England? They did seven episodes?

Is that what it says? One aired And seven unaired episodes Why is it seven? Oh that's hilarious Seven unaired Yeah but It's it seven? Oh, that's hilarious. Seven unaired. Yeah, but it's cool that they gave it a shot.

It says it was after one episode aired, they canceled it immediately. And they found the tapes in Burbank. That's funny. Yeah, of course they canceled it. And the guy who made it, what happened to him? He's dead. They ate him. They ate him at a Jewish ceremony. I don't know.

Could you imagine pitching that to the network? It's balls. It's just so stupid. And then not have any jokes to go with it. I know. You'd have to have some really good stuff to go with it. I bet Trey Parker and Matt Stone could do it. Remember when they did that George Bush show?

That was pretty fucking funny. That's my Bush. That show wasn't that good. I liked it. I didn't think it was that good. Don't pull it up. I don't want to see any more clips. I just didn't think it was like...

I mean, I think their best stuff... I mean, I shouldn't say that. I was going to say their best stuff doesn't have real people, but I like the Mormon musical. That thing rocks. I can't even get tickets for that. That's like sold out for like a year or something. Is it really?

It's really that successful, yeah. Yeah, I saw it early on. It's really funny, man. Somebody said that like that's one of the only adult shows on Broadway. Like Broadway used to be like, you know, you and your mistress, you go out and you see like, you know, like whatever, Sammy Davis Jr. and like, you know, crazy like adult stuff. Then it became all kid-ified, very Disney. These shows now are all about just singing tunes you already know.

That's an original concept, and it's really cool. It's supposedly really dark and funny. Well, it's probably the first one of those. Whose phone is that? That's mine. It'll go on if I don't keep turning it off. You still have a flip phone. Yep.

Oh, my God. Yeah. What year did you buy that phone? When did heavy metal come out? Do you print out directions still? Yeah, I do. Why do you still have a phone like that? I just like it.

I like having a burner on me. I don't know. A burner you throw in the ocean when the fuzz closes in. It's a great, it's a conversation starter. It's like, what is that? Pull it out in front of chicks and they go, oh, Dave, you're so eccentric. Oh, grandpa.

You're so eccentric. Yeah, I was at a. Do you guys mind if I have a cigarette? Yeah. You can have a cigarette. You can have a cigarette? A cigarette? Yeah. Can I go outside? You can have a cigarette. You can have a cigarette here. We'll turn the fan on.

Okay. But don't fire one up as well, Brian. It's torture. It's disgusting for your body. You need to quit, David Tell. You know what? I totally agree with you now because... How do you handle stress? You work out a lot, right?

But when you're stressed, you find that's when you grab for the you know like you know the cigarette or whatever like the drink or something what do you do um well look everybody experiences stress it's just a matter of uh if you can if you have the time exercises to me is always the best way to manage the whole thing to right you have a filter on there like hunter s thompson yeah look at you Yeah. What's that for? It's supposed to keep you alive another couple weeks? No, you get to see the tour coming out. I like that. There's something about it I find that's cool. Like I'm pulling for it. No, I definitely think that

taking care of your body helps mitigate a lot of the stress that everybody feels, especially when you do a lot of things like I do and travel a lot like I do. I'm involved in a lot of different things. A lot of plates are spinning. There's a lot of thinking. Yeah, well, that's why I feel like...

I started doing some kettlebells and stuff like that, and I immediately felt horrible, but then I started feeling better just because it really is like a stress reliever, but nothing beats cigarettes. I'm sorry. I think he'll break me up. Will you blow it on me? Yeah, exactly.

Well, I know. This is a long run, dude. It's just terrible for everybody else in the room. But you guys love it so much. What are you talking about? You sacrifice for everybody else in the room. Alright, I feel like a dick. But it's amazing. It's amazing that cigarette people are like that. You love it so much. It's so important to you.

You want everybody else to suck in the smoky air in this 20-foot room. I mean, I gave you the green light. It's all good. We've got to get Adam to come up here and build a filtration system. Well, we have a filter behind you. That's what it's for.

Oh, really? From when Dice was here. Oh! I wonder how much he smokes a day. I don't think he smokes anymore. He smokes. I thought he quit. He smokes.

He smokes again. I give it up. Oh! I gave it up, and then I gave up giving up. Oh! I gave it up and then I gave up giving up. Oh! David, have you tried doing the electronic cigarettes? I'm not doing that. Look at that. It's huge. Are you going to walk around with that

wizard wand? But you can do this in a hotel room. You can do this in a restaurant. I bet you no. You like the whole thing. You like the smell. I love the smell of it. You like the whole deal. What do you like about it?

Like when you light up, what are you feeling? I like that it smells like death. It's like just pure waste. Do you worry about your health? I could care less at this point. No, I do. Well, could care less is the wrong, you know that. No, but I'm just saying that like the whole idea with the cigarette is that, you know, they'll do these things, right?

They'll do this thing. And then, of course, somebody won't like that. And then it'll be easy to jump on that. You mean the electronic cigarette. The electronic cigarette, you know? Right. But it's like, do you understand that people are doing the electronic cigarette because they can't do this thing, which is worse? So it's like, give them a break for at least a year of, like, let them smoke these smoke these electronic cigarettes before you like clamp down again on them for that, you know?

Well, the problem with the electronic cigarettes is not the standard ones like those little blues that push out vapor. Some of them push out a smell. Like there's something distinguishable about it. And I'm like, ooh, what am I breathing in here? I feel like I'm breathing in some sort of chemicals. Like Brian's. Brian's is like. It's just tiramisu.

It's a big cloud that comes out of it. Like it's not like a mist. Yeah,'s just tiramisu. It's a big cloud that comes out of it. Like, it's not like a mist. I don't like that. It's more of a smoke. Like, that's a... It seems like a better smoke than cigarettes, but still a smoke. Like, put puff on it. Let me see what it looks like.

My battery died. Uh-huh. See? More torturous. Mm-hmm. But, you know, they have flavored stuff. There's all these, like, weird, twinkie, crunchy flavors. You know, teddy bear.

Do you worry about your health at all, man? Of course I do. Do you take those? Do you? What, with the cigarettes? Have you ever tried to not do it anymore? I quit. I quit before.

But, you know, at this point, like, when I brought up the stress and stuff like that, like, I'm out. I'm, you know, like, super hardcore promoting and all that kind of stuff. It's like, you know, it's just all stress right now. So, you know. That's what it is. You know the Johnny Carson story, right? The Johnny was dying.

Yeah. He couldn't even talk, but all he would say is, those damn cigarettes. He was walking around with an oxygen tank, hoses in his nose. Yeah, but what a life. But what a life. What a life before that. Hmm, I guess.

That's what you gotta, you know. Is that what you gotta do? The cigarettes really made it juicy, right? I don't know. I guess we live in a culture where we have to live forever now.

I don't really understand. It's not about living forever. It's about maintaining your health while you're alive. Yeah, it's a horrible end. That's for sure. Yeah, Mike Lacey from the Comedy Magic Club

pulled Brian aside once and was explaining to him what it was like at the end. And made me cry. But, you know, one of the biggest things I miss when I do quit, when I try doing these electronic cigarettes or I try not to smoke, is the smoking period. You know, where you're outside talking to other smokers. And there's like something to that. Camaraderie.

We're all killing ourselves together. Yeah. No, I'm definitely going to try and quit again, but it's a lot harder than non-quitters think. I mean, than non-smokers think to quit. It's not like whatever. It really is.

There is truth to the cigarettes are harder to quit than heroin or something like that. Cigarettes are so ingrained usually in people that smoke, but for people that don't smoke, it must blow you away the fact that we're doing this incredibly suicidal thing.

Well, I'm fascinated by it. Really? The reason why I ask you is not because I want to pester you, but because everybody that smokes that's smart like you, I always feel compelled to try to get their point of view and see if they have a point of view. If they just deal with it, they compartmentalize it it they don't think about it like i'm fascinated by addictions i'm really fascinated by uh especially things that i don't do like cigarettes gambling

coke you know shit like that i'm fascinated by those things so i'm always fascinated by the mindset because i don't totally understand it right you know so i just what a guy like you is a smart guy and I see you doing it and you love it. You fucking can't wait to fucking fire this up. Well, I mean, we have been here

three hours, right? I would have smoked half a pack if we were out on the street. Would you really? I could tell you like how many cigarettes per, like if you...

How much do you smoke? Probably two packs a day. Yeah. Whoa. That's a lot, huh? Yeah. every ten minutes you made me nervous it's less than that because I don't sleep

I get up to smoke do you? how much do you sleep? maybe now that I'm doing all this crazy stuff three hours what do you normally sleep? five hours if I'm lucky four hours maybe well you're juiced up on nicotine all the time crazy stuff uh three hours three hours what yeah wow what do you normally sleep if you weren't five hours if i'm lucky wow four hours maybe well you're juiced up on nicotine all the time no it

has to do with i have to work editing like you know like i have to do the notes at night so that they can edit during the day and then i go in at night and then now like with all these like with radio as you know like radio and all that stuff it's like there's a weird schedule to all that and then doing shows at night because I never stopped doing shows. Right. Of course, but I meant like when you're not doing this and you said five hours. Yeah, like five hours maybe.

Is that because you're all juiced up with nicotine all the time? I think because I'm old and my prostate tells me it's time to get up and take a leak. Really? Five hours and you're good? If I'm lucky, you know. Get some pom-pom juice. Have you tried some of those pills that help?

What is this, Dr. Oz? Who gives a shit? It's like we were just watching heavy metal and there's like a caribou carcass here. It's like, have you ever thought of like... I'm like, who gives a shit? It's part of getting old, guys. Get used to it.

Get used to it. Joe, you're old enough to start now and not have any problems from smoking. You'll never try it out for a year. You would never smoke a year. Anybody who, like, was an athlete in their youth or, like, still is involved in athletics, like, smoking is a no. My cardio

is very important to me. Yeah, yeah, I understand that. You know, I'd never fuck around with that. But I'd get it. I do love, like, you know, smokers do, like, I'm just talking about, like, my dad and his friends, like, they would have amazing, like, smoker superpowers I do love, like, you know, smokers do, like, I'm just talking about, like, my dad and his friends. Like, they would have amazing, like, smoker superpowers where it's like, you know, they couldn't do anything. But, like, if there was, like, something like, you know, hey, I need your help. What happened?

My car fell in a ditch. And, like, they would just, like, come out with a cigarette in their mouth and, like, lift up the car. I was like, man, that's so cool, you know? Well, they would always work on cars with a cigarette dangling out of their mouth. Gasoline everywhere, oil, everything. Yeah, no, just like there's that smoker dude super pal. I guess on Mad Men you see some of it too where they're constantly smoking all the time,

doing whatever they do. But those are like real cigarettes, by the way. There's no organic. Those are real. Yeah, those are like Marlboros and Camels and Luckys. What brands do you smoke? Do you do the organic? I do the organic now.

That's probably better for you. And I think that they help me just because they taste horrible. Like the Reds were like the best tasting. That's like candy. Those to me though. Marlboro Reds taste good? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Don't you feel like with the American Spirits though, when you wake up, you have more of like, that's a thicker smoke. It doesn't have all the chemicals you're burning. The chemicals probably help the cigarettes evaporate better. Yeah. Well, I'm just saying that, like, I can usually tell, like, three hours, that would have been probably coming up on half a pack. So that's like 10 cigarettes. Brian, do you still smoke Newports?

Newports? I don't smoke Newports. Isn't that funny? There's a brand that's funny. That was my point. I wanted to make a point there. Right. There's a brand that, if you say it, it's funny wanted to make a point there. There's a brand that if you

say it, it's funny. Like, get out of here! What are you, a driver? You go, what? Newports are for Asians. Do Asians like Newports too? No, that was urban. Newports were for urban. They were like, this is racist. The ad was two beautiful

black people smoking a Newport. They're like, this is racist. Come up with a racist Newport ad. Google that. There's got to be one on YouTube. They have a menthol cigarette racist quitting ad that they're playing right now, and people are saying is racist. Let me see that shit. Hold on.

Let me see if I can find it right here. Here we go. Menthol cigarette quitting ad. Oh, I've seen that. Yeah. That's definitely racist. But why is it racist to be accurate? Are we trying to pretend that black people don't enjoy a menthol on occasion?

I mean, how many black people like menthols? That's the sound of Dave's cigarette lighter. No, that's my horrible old phone. He's thinking about firing one up again. No, I'm not going to. That's North Hollywood. Crank that up. Pack of menthols? Pack of menthols is a one-shot. Honey, I'm going to need more than's North Hollywood. Crank that up. Pack of menthols?

Pack of menthols is a one-shot. Honey, I'm going to need more than that. Oh, no, no, no, no. This is the wrong one. Yeah, this is the wrong one. These are the new. They released the new one. These are the new ones.

Oh, that's hilarious. What a bunch of chumps. Here's the, I think, the original one. I saw it. The guy pulls the teeth out. Yeah. But that's not really racist. Well, the fact that he ordered menthols.

Okay. That's not enough. Well, if fact that he ordered menthols, okay Well if you were gonna say a pack of cigarettes wouldn't just say a pack of smokes Because they would say what kind so he goes pack of menthols almost like he has to and he pulls his tooth out What's a pack of menthols cost your teeth? Smoking menthols or regular cigarettes can cause serious gum disease that makes you more likely to lose them. See you again. And that was a black guy's voice, the VO.

How do you know? No, he sounded, yeah. How do you know? No, I think I work with him at the improv. No, I tried to talk to somebody once, and they wouldn't admit that you could tell the difference when a black guy's on the phone sometimes. There's this white liberal woman. She's like, I really don't see that.

I'm like, get the fuck out of here. You're telling me that you can't talk to someone. She goes, what are you trying to say? Like, she tried to pin it on me. Are you trying to say that black people don't talk like white? No, that's not what I'm trying to say. I'm trying to say that with an intelligent, articulate person with a law degree that happens to be black,

most times you can tell. Wow. It doesn't mean that they're not intelligent, most times you can tell. Wow. It doesn't mean that they're not intelligent, but that's no different than you being able to tell that someone's from New York or you being able to tell that someone is from Florida or the South. That's a real thing. It doesn't make them less intelligent. You don't have to pussyfoot around that.

But black people sometimes on the phone have a different way of talking. Is it mostly because of reception? You could tell they have a shitty phone service? They have a different plan. talking. Is it mostly because of reception? You could tell they have a shitty phone service? They have a different plan. He went under the table. He hid under his own fucking table. He did, he did. You piece of shit.

You should hide under there. No, that's not what it means at all, Brian. They have a way of talking. You know what I'm talking about, Brian. Yeah. But sometimes there is people once in a while that you can't tell. The jurisdiction is in your court. You know, there's a way. I mean, you're not always right, but you there is people once in a while that you can't tell. The jurisdiction is in your court. There's a way.

I mean, you're not always right, but you would be really freaked out. This is the difference. If you heard a black guy talking and you thought that he was a white guy and then you met him and you realized he was black, you'd be like, wow, that's kind of interesting. It's way worse when you talk to a guy on the phone, you think it's a black guy, you show up, it's a white guy. And you go, oh, Christ.

That guy's a fucking idiot. There's almost always an idiot on the other end. If you run into a white guy that's talking like a black guy on the phone, like you're convinced you're about to meet a black guy, and it's a white guy, 99% of the time that guy's a moron. Wow. But if you're talking to a guy on the phone and it's a black guy and you don't know it's a black guy because he sounds like a white guy, 99% of the time that guy's a moron. But if you're talking to a guy on the phone and it's a black guy and you don't know it's a black guy

because he sounds like a white guy, he's usually just a regular guy. It's like nothing wrong with him. You know? Right? I'll go with it. I could always tell a Mexican because they have that little Mexican twang to them. Unless a white dude was raised by black people,

sequestered, like in a scientific experiment, they took him only around black people his whole life, then I could understand him talking like that. Willie Hunter, I don't know if you remember the comedian Willie Hunter. He's been on a few Death Squad shows. He's a perfect example. If you had him on the phone, you would think he's white. Yeah, there's a lot of guys like that. How about Tyler Knight?

Remember Tyler Knight? He's so smart, he sounds like a white guy. Well, that's racist. That's racist. But it's not racist to just make an observation. Saying that's racist is like saying a lot of chicks get more freckles, like Irish, when they're out in the sun. That's fucking true! It's not racist to say that. Irish people have a problem in the sun. That's fucking true! It's not racist to say that.

Irish people have a problem with the sun. Pale people who have really white skin, they get burnt really easily. That's not racist either. It's an observation. But I think with accents, like when we're talking about you can tell a guy is from a certain part. I'm from Long Island.

We used to have this distinct accent. And Boston had this thing. And they said that these accents now are starting to homogenize know. Homogenize. Homogenize into like, I guess this just like, you know, mulligan stew of like one bad, you know, whatever it is. But there's very few places now where you can actually hear like, oh, that's Kentucky, you know, whatever, you know. I love when I go someplace and I hear a real accent. Yeah. Like I love going to New York and like the waiters in New York.

I'd like you uh this is the menu can i introduce you to our specials yes that's a real love that i love the new york accent yeah i love hearing an accent that i especially probably because i pretty aware that those aren't going to be around forever in the future a thousand years from now it's not gonna be any accents well like in gangs of new york you know when they had like the you know, because they were like Irish, but they were New York. So like they had to kind of think of this kind of turn of the century New York, kind of like really, really down and dirty accent. So it sounded more like it was wherever, like Ireland than it was there.

But it was cool to hear because you're thinking like, you know, when did we really start talking like we talk instead of like the English talky talk, you know, like in England. That's a really good point. It's like, when was the crossover? Yeah. And what caused the crossover? Was it just like,

cause all these different languages were learning English when they got to America, the place is like probably radio. Yeah. You know, like radio, like when everybody started here and what everybody else sounded like, that's when they started like probably mimicking it.

And then that became like, cause it probably was a technology thing. You know what? You're right. That makes a lot of sense. Like that's when the started probably mimicking it. And then that became like, because it probably was a technology thing. You know what? You're right. That makes a lot of sense. That totally makes a lot of sense. That's when the accent started dying down. And then with TV, same thing.

Yeah, no shit, right? That's fascinating. Yeah, but I'm no whatever that's called, a scientist or something. But yeah, I assume it's like when everybody started really hearing each other a lot. Well, when I heard myself, I was 19, and I heard myself on television for the first time, and I realized how gross my accent sounded. Boston accent.

Yeah, I started working on getting rid of it. I never minded that accent, though. Yeah, but mine was hard. It wasn't good. I was talking about, I was interviewed after a tournament, and I was talking about putting in hard work. Hey, Robinick. I listened to myself going, what is that?

I love all that Boston patter, though. Hey, sweetheart. What's up, chappy? I love all that shit. Yeah, there's a lot of E's on the end, a lot of nicknames. There's Sully and Fitzy and fucking Mikey over there. It's a place where people suffer. Places where people suffer, the senses of humor are going to be a bit stronger.

There's going to be a bit more character in the air. You face adversity in a place like that. New York, too. It gets cold as fuck in the winter. You face a lot of adversity. New York, though, New York now is very international, very metro. If you hear an accent like that, that must mean you're paying money to see it because I've never heard anybody recently with the Brooklyn. You don't occasionally go to a restaurant, like a real Italian restaurant,

and the guy serving you has a real Brooklyn accent? No, I really like those kind of classic, like the Westies, the Irish, that kind of stuff. You really don't hear that much anymore. Occasionally you'll see a guy that you knew was like the Westies, the Irish mob, that kind of stuff, you really don't hear that much anymore. Occasionally you'll see a guy that you knew was a Westie, and you'll be like, what's up? And he'll have that cool accent. Like Colin Quinn. Colin Quinn has the great.

And he's the most intelligent guy I know. I mean, he's just so smart. He has that cool, that thing to his voice. It's very sexy. It's very good. It's charismatic. Yeah, Colin's a fascinating guy. He's very funny on Twitter, too.

God. It's funny when people don't know that he's just fucking around. Yeah, they don't get the joke. If you know his sense of humor, it's really funny. But if you're some 16-year-old kid in the middle of nowhere, and you read it, you're like, LOL, dumbass. That's not even how it works. He'll say things that are so preposterous.

Did he do a history show on Broadway? Yes, he did a one-man show, his new one-man show. What is it called? Because I saw that over July, the July weekend last year. It was really good. He's a really, really, really intelligent man, and that would be a great thing for him to do continuously, weekend last year it was really good you know he's really really really intelligent man and like uh i i that would be a great that would be a great thing for him to do like continuously just like

these really cool high-end one-man shows yeah long story long no that's that's the uh that's another thing he did 75 minute history lesson does he ever do stand-up specials um i don't think so i know that like that once again he's been working on this. Putting a one-man show together is endless. I know he was working on it, workshopping it. Like I said, he would do it in these different clubs. But now it's done and I think he's touring it. Hopefully it'll be sold and you can see it on HBO or something.

I don't even know how that works. How do you sell a one-man show? I don't even know how that works like a one man how do you sell a one-man show i don't even know well it seems like the kind of show that you would want to see all over the country like he could tour the city for a few months at a time yeah and do it just sort of like uh like the book of mormon like that kind of a thing you go to see it because it's it's just different than just pure stand-up comedy like ultimately like that's like the perfect kind of thing for like with england what you're talking about like they expect a show right you know that would like, the perfect kind of thing for, like, England, what you were talking about, like, they expect a show. Right.

You know, that would be, like, the perfect kind of thing. It's about the Bill of Rights, and it's about, like, you know, our Constitution and stuff like that, and I don't want to, like, I don't, I definitely do not want to, like, you know, talk more about it, because I don't really know exactly, you know, yeah, it really is, it's so intricate. It's taking something that is really dry and kind of unfunny and really making it funny. And, you know, he is just that good at this. I mean, it really is a great show.

He's going to be in town in California. I think he's here now. May 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. Yeah, we should get him on the show. Where is he at? In May 1st, he's in Grass Valley. May 2nd, Santa Cruz. And May 3rd, Irvine, California.

Oh, we'll try to get him May 3rd or around May 3rd. Yeah, he's the best, man. We're fucking booked up that week, Irvine, California. Oh, we'll try to get him May 3rd or around May 3rd. Yeah, he's the best, man. We're fucking booked up that week, son of a gun. Yeah. Yeah, no, he's a very underrated stand-up, too. Like, I've heard people say they don't think he's funny. I'm like, well, you've never seen him live. If you've seen him live, you would know how fucking funny that guy is.

His warm-ups for his show, politically, whatever it was, last... Tough crowd. Tough crowd, yeah. Tough crowd. Tough crowd. Yeah. Confusing with politically incorrect. That was fucking one of the best warm-ups I ever saw anybody do, ever. It was him just fucking around with the crowd doing stand-up. And then he would go to do the show. I was watching him.

I was like, wow, you know what? This is the best part of the show. The best part of the show was him fucking around with the crowd. That was the funniest part. Us sitting down, these hurried, rushed topics we would go to, you know, really quickly on the panel. It wasn't as good as him doing his little shtick in front of the crowd. He is so good. And, like, his, you know, I don't even want to besmirch it, but his crowd work is so, like, is so ahead of.

I mean, I basically learned how to work a crowd by watching him at the comedy cellar and other places that he was so classy and so intelligent that like it would take you a minute to get the reference because he was so he wasn't going for the easy joke he would never go for the easy joke and like he really did take it to a whole new level so he was like he was really influential i mean especially on that kind of stuff and he also was like a really really really like master of timing like Like he really is good at like crafting a joke and then telling it

the right way, so. You ever heard Jay Moore's impression of him? No. It's uncanny. It's uncanny. No. Really?

Yeah, it's uncanny. It's one of the best impressions I've ever heard. It's amazing. Jay's a buddy of mine. His impressions are incredible. That one at least. That Colin Quinn one's amazing.

I mean, not that the other ones aren't, but I know of the Colin Quinn one. It's pretty amazing. It's like it sounds like Colin. I mean, it's like exact. When Colin comes in, you should ask him the same thing about accents because he has, like, all the good accents. You know, there was a lot of guys that were doing you for a while.

There was a lot of guys that, like, I would see guys doing a tell. Right. Was that flattering or did that bother you? I't know people would always tell me tell me they were doing me and then i'd be like you know i i kind of i kind of like there's really nothing you can do about it i mean like you know it did help me move forward in comedy of like you know well i better you know i better do i better get better you know like if somebody's doing me but i i don't think there's anything like, I don't know. I was never like, Hey dog, you're doing my, you know, get your hands out of my pocket.

You're stealing my essence. Get your hands out of my pocket. The essence. Dane says that to people that they're stealing his essence. You know, it's like, you have no respect for somebody who's doing it. You know, like they always say it's flattery. It's like, I think it's laziness. I mean, like do your own thing, you know?

It's contagious. But you know, the thing about it is like when you, when you first start out, you will like mimic the guy that you love the most and then, but you're supposed to your own thing, you know? It's contagious. But, you know, the thing about it is, like, when you first start out, you will, like, mimic the guy that you love the most. But you're supposed to move past that, you know? And that's the whole thing. Like, you have your own unique thing you do. I'm trying to do my own unique thing. And that eventually, like, when you get strong enough, then you got to kind of, like, say, like, well, that's too much like this guy. And that's not like me.

And I should do this. But, you know, it did make me go like you know I have a lot of bad habits that I really need to drop that people are just mimicking and then no they were not bad habits no no I I do know like a lot of the turns that I did like other guys would do you know like my turns I always think that they're my things but they're probably everybody's turns and you know what I'm talking about like from bit to bit to bit yeah you know but it was a style of delivery. Yeah, that. That thing you do.

Doug Stanhope does that to me all the time. I don't do that anymore. But you know why I would do that? Because, like, when I first started out doing comedy, timing is so important of, like, so I was hanging out, and now you've got to, here comes the joke part, you know? There. You know? And, like, that was the thing.

And behind all that energy was also a really horrible crowd like talking and yelling so that's why it's also like bang bang bang like that yeah well that was the great thing about doing clubs my special yeah i love is that the stress factory yeah it's the stress factory new jersey what a great that's a great phone him yeah there's a phone he does phone calls from the stage does like does these prank phone calls. If I was a rich guy, I would have one of those in my house, I think. A phone? But candy would come out if you make a call. You're calling people right there.

Who are you calling, Dave? I don't know. I'm calling somebody for a joke. Yeah, there was a lot of guys that were coming up a few years back that were imitating you. It was kind of annoying because I would hear it all the time at clubs. I was like, oh, my God, this guy's doing a tell. They would be doing their own material, but they'd be doing it like you. It was kind of annoying because I would hear it all the time at clubs. I was like, oh my god, this guy's doing a tell. They would be doing their own material, but they'd be doing it like you. And you're like,

oh, come on, man. You developed that in the trenches and you figured out a way to get the point across and have a compelling rhythm that's fun to watch, captivates people, gets them locked in, and someone just came along and ganked that shit.

I don't think I really do that that much anymore because I always felt like that was hack, that I was doing that kind of rhythm. It was great. No, it's cool that you guys said that, but I have walked into a room and I'll see a guy doing it and I'll be like, oh, I guess he's a fan. There really is no...

I always feel like I need to get better and that these other people, like, they're on their own journey, you know. Like, I guess that's the coolest zen way to look at all of this stuff, you know. They're on their journey. I'm on my own, you know, experience through comedy. And, you know, hopefully I'll get better and I'll look back on that and laugh. And I kind of do now, which is you know everybody kind of everybody kind of sounds a little bit the same and then you'll like see that one guy that like stands out and you're like wow

you know we all need step up for king you know yeah you i think what you're doing like that that sort of way of thinking is the most empowering way yeah oh yeah you take control of it yeah let's you you see it for what it is and you move forward and use it as inspiration Instead of like There's certain guys that someone will sound like them We were talking about Dane freaking out He did it at Steve Byrne And then he did it for Chris D'Elia Told him that they're stealing his essence

He said that to Chris too? Pulls him aside, you're stealing my essence Really? Did he really do that? I've heard guys do me I know guys who I've taken guys on the road and they start to

they start to mimic like me but I hear people doing Stanhope all the time yeah absolutely he's got a very distinctive style of delivery too

yeah yeah there's a lot of the Hedberg the Hedberg one always bothered me the most when I would hear a guy like Mitch Hedberg because you know

it's like you know have a little respect, dude. Especially after he's dead. And then they'll always go like, yeah, but I was doing this before. I was like, I doubt it. I doubt you were doing this before Mitch Hedberg. They'll always try and cover with like, no, as a baby I sounded like that. I'm like, no, you didn't.

Yeah, I was cool and slow. It's like, dude, now wake up and do your own thing. But they always are like, no, man. You know, they're like, no, you don't understand what I'm doing. It's nothing like that. And it's like, it's exactly like it, dude. Well, to guys who are out there who are comics, I know it's very difficult

to let a bit go, especially if that bit works. Right. Sometimes you'll come up with a bit on your own. Horrible. And it works, but then you find out another guy's doing it. Yep. Sometimes you'll, you'll come up with a bit on your own. Horrible. And it works, but then you find out another guy's doing it. Yep. You got to drop that. And you got to look at,

you got to be able to look at yourself honestly. And if you sound too much like Mitch Hedberg, you got to fucking change that up. You can't do that. Yeah. You can't. People are going to know. And then they're going to,

they're going to always look at you as that's that guy that used to sound like Mitch Hedberg. Yeah. You know, like if they dig in their heels and their, and their, and their dicks about it. And then there's the guys who like fake tribute comics by doing their material.

They're like Patrice. They were doing that Patrice. Oh, I didn't know. I thought it was a tribute. Did they say this was a Patrice joke on stage? Well, yeah, like after they caught him on it. But it was just like, you know, dudes. Oh, you're talking about the guy on YouTube.

Yeah, that guy. Oh, that guy's a piece of shit. Yeah, and it was like, you know you know what it's like it's one thing to be a fan and it's another thing to pay a tribute but to do what you're doing without you know like luckily the true comedy fans were on them and that was that was really cool that they did that that really made me feel good his response was ridiculous it's like so verbose and overbearing yeah offensive and didn't own it at all i was trying to pretend that the whole thing was completely innocent and in tribute and, you know,

and all aggressive while he's doing it. Like just you non-artist stop. Cause I'm not that good at comic, but I'll tell you one thing about Patrice. If he had shut the fuck up about that guy. Damn it. Please. Top five.

I got a problem with you, man. No, but I'll just say this, Joe Patrice, if he had lived another five years people would have actually gotten what he was doing i really do think like he's the guy who was about to pop oh uh you know i just think i mean he was great he got in his own way but he

still was like that good you know oh he was hilarious he had this great fucking joke about when you you if you're gonna be my girlfriend you're applying for a job. And this is the position that's available. The position, well, let's see what I got here. I got, I'm open at 2 a.m. for an hour. You suck my dick and I steal your last napple. Are you interested? Well, bitch, that was the position that was available. Oh, my God, I love that bit.

It's such a funny bit. Because you could almost see Patrice actually saying that to a chick. He would not back down. And every comic you see now, you're like, what happened to that? Everybody now is so like, hey, man, it's very non-threatening.

When he got on stage, we played it after he died. And he got, not on stage, rather, on television, defending jokes. Like, there was this woman who was talking about how horrible a joke was. And he was like, because you ain't coming from it from the language of funny. Yeah, that's right. You don't understand funny. Like, it all comes from the same place.

He was trying to be funny. Yeah, it didn't work out. But it all comes from the same place. The ones that are good and that joke all comes from the same place. And, like, she couldn't understand it. And then, you know, she's like, you know, and then he did a joke about kicking a girl, like a pirate style kicker in the shin and coming in her eye. She's hopping around on one leg going, argh. And the lady, like, didn't want to laugh.

But, you know, he said it on TV, like kicking her in the shin and ejaculate in her eye and we're like oh my god it was the perfect example of something that's ridiculous and hilarious and you know it's violence against women it's that's a violence joke you know that's a joke about kicking a woman and coming in her eye and it's still funny the angry pirate oh he's so funny man he was so funny so yeah i do think that like if he you know like he was probably one more special away from like people going like man this is crazy because elephant in the room is a classic yeah i think elephant in the room i think there's a lot of guys that unfortunately they slipped away without people knowing about them like hicks became much

more famous after he died yeah it was when he was alive that used to bother me now it doesn't bother me at all because i was like, at least people... You know, and his stuff, there's so much raw stuff, and then there's the actual great specials. So people have been like, they'll talk about the raw stuff, and I'm like, that's cool that you even like that.

I guess if you're a super fan, you'll like everything. Who was the first guy that you ever saw that made you go, I want to be a comic? I want to be a comic? I to be a comic i think it was listening um you know the one you know i i can't think of like the i want to be a comic about but the one guy that i did see that uh did make me think like oh my god that's what a real comic is will be bill hicks because i did see him and i had already been doing it for a little bit where i was like you know i'm doing the open mics i'm trying to get the jokes together but then when i saw him do it, because I already was like one of those fans where you're like, you know,

you don't even want to make eye contact with the guy because you don't want to get in his space. You respect him that much. And I was like, you know, when I saw him live, I was like, wow, that is just it, man. He was just throwing away jokes that you would blow a dude for. I mean, they were like, just like, he goes, all right, let me just air some stuff out here. His crowd, his crowd, the way he, like, handled the crowd also made me, like, it was cool. And you probably saw him when he was sober, right? Yes, I never, I never in the Texas days, no.

Yeah. The sober days were when he was really putting in a lot of work. And he was, he went from a guy who was, you know, this wild, drug-taking, maniacal dude to a dude who's really focused on leaving behind a body of work. He would talk about that. It's almost like he knew his time was coming out. Right. So he was constantly writing.

He was ahead of the curve with a lot of ideas. There's a lot of ideas that he talked about during the Bush administration, Bush Sr. Yeah. During that administration that's totally relevant today. Right. As far as, like, jokes about the military and jokes about, you know, war and, you know. That was cool that he did that, but as a comic, that was not my favorite.

My favorite part was when he was, like, in the shit, handling the crowd. Oh, yeah. And then the jokes, his jokes, like the Letterman jokes, that, like, you know, like his first couple of like the Letterman jokes, that like, you know, like his first couple of appearances, Letterman jokes, you're like,

these jokes are just great. You know, like, you're like, this is what it's about. These jokes are great. And then, you know, you'd listen to, I remember like somebody,

basically we had a tape of his. I don't even know, I don't even remember what it was. And I was like, wow, dude, that is just like his smoking jokes.

And I was talking about smoking. Like his smoking jokes still blow away everyone else's smoking jokes. Well, those got ripped off too. Yeah. Those jokes got ripped off. And the whole like, you know, I like to play tricks. You know, the whole thing.

Like, and the guy hits the pencil. You know that joke? Like the practical joker joke? I don't remember that joke. Oh, that's a great one. With the, you know, guy pulls out my, in high school, I was in the class clown. The guy pulls out my seat. I fall down.

Everybody laughs. So I figured I'd get him back. So, like, you know, I whip a pencil. It goes right in his eye. You know, he's got an eye patch now. And then another, then something else happened. Then this guy, where he pulls out the seat, breaks his back. So, like, the two of them are walking around.

One with the eye patch. He's wheeling the other guy. He's like, there he goes, the funny guy. I'm butchering the joke. But that's what it is. It's like one of his, like, you know, it's one of his takesing the other guy. He's like, there he goes, the funny guy. I'm butchering the joke, but that's what it is. It's like one of his, like, you know, it's one of his takes

on like a classic, like kind of like, you know, like mundane topic and it was just like, seeing that, you're like, wow,

this guy really thinks. He really thinks. One of my favorite bits was when Clarence Thomas was going in front of whatever committee to get on the Supreme Court and they were investigating the whole, remember that whole thing?

People care. People care on the coke for Anita, what was her name? Anita Hill, right? Anita Hill, yeah. Yeah. And he had a whole bit about, just made him realize that he would never run for office, you know, because all the shit they have on, Mr. Hicks. Remember that bit?

Yeah, I do know. Did you own Clam Lapis volumes 1 through 90? He's like, 1 through 90? I don't recall. You have to listen to the bit. I'm not doing it. He went into this whole thing about loving pornography. It was like a misdirect, and then you don't realize,

while the misdirect is going on, that he is still in front of the committee. Oh. Well, thank you for your opinion, Mr. Hicks. I'm not doing the bit justice. You've got to listen to it. I don't know the exact verbiage of it, but it was fucking awesome. And his special, which is the one where he comes out, he's wearing the hat?

Relentless, I think. In England? I thought it was Whatever Bay. Arizona Bay? No, Arizona Bay was the CD. Okayentless, I think. Or is it England? I thought it was whatever bay. Arizona Bay? No, Arizona Bay was the CD. Is that? Okay, no, I'm sorry. You remember like

when the thing goes up and he comes out wearing the hat? His fire and shit. That's Relentless. What is that called? He's in England. I don't remember.

I don't remember. Let's look it up. God damn it. But that was a good one. Yeah, I was like, I was like, you know, this fits him. This really does fit him,

you know? Yeah. I'm talking about like you know theater versus club because like i also consider him like a rock hard club club act well that was when um he went to england he became way more famous in england than he ever they discovered him yeah because people here could give a shit yeah i know right it was weird well then you know the whole leary thing but also letterman also like his first couple appearances on letterman like you know, the whole Leary thing. But also Letterman also, like, his first couple appearances on Letterman, like, you know, I was in college or something like that.

I was like, wow, this is really, this guy's amazing. Yeah, and Dennis Leary's in his Wikipedia page. Oof, that's when you know you fucked up. You wind up in the Hicks Wikipedia page and not flatteringly. Oh, yeah, what did Dennis, I remember that controversy. Revelations, yeah, it was Revelations. Remember, yeah. What did... I remember that controversy. Revelations. Yeah, it was Revelations. Remember?

I saw it live. You did? Yeah. Leary was my favorite comedian for like six months. I thought Leary was awesome. Then I saw Hicks and I was like, what the fuck is going on here? Why am I seeing the same jokes? And then I got all the information from everybody else and I was like, wow.

Wow. That was hard to watch. That's bad. Well, especially when I was telling everybody how great Leary was. You know, Leary would murder, dude. Oh, my God. Back in those days in Boston, he would murder. In the Boston days.

Yeah, yeah, in the Boston days. It was, you know, it was just a sad thing to see. It's sad when you think a guy is just this genius thinker, and then you find out he's a parrot you know he's just taking somebody else's things oh yeah it was brutal I mean he's on this Wikipedia page for a fucking reason man you know

it's not it's just no cure for cancer or that I don't know man I don't even really want to talk about it because I've talked about him so many times and he got angry that I did before. But, hey, man, it is what it is. And he doesn't want to address it.

But it's a part of comedy history. It just is. There's no getting around it. Especially with a guy like Hicks was just such an innovator, man. He was such a unique style. And he was a guy who changed comedy in a lot of ways because he opened up a whole new door for people. Kennison did, too. Kennison opened up a whole new door of comedy. Kenison did too. Kenison opened up a whole new door of comedy.

Yeah, Kenison now is the guy that I wish, I think we talked about this the last time, where it's like, that's the one guy I wish I saw live. I really do. Like, of all the people, I never saw him. I really wish I had seen that, just that power. Like, I would be the guy, like, let's call your chair. And I mean, like, I wouldn't be, you know,

but I would want to see the whole deal, like the whole rough comedy store show would be the best, like before he was famous or something. Yeah, that would be the time to see him. Yeah, probably right before he's famous. I got to see him after he was famous. It just wasn't the same. Wasn't that good?

Was it a stadium show? He had to write a whole new act really quickly after his HBO special. He was on the road, but he couldn't do the same jokes. Everybody knew them, so he had to come up with A whole new act, you know, like really quickly after his HBO special. He was on the road, but he couldn't do the same jokes because everybody knew them. So he had to come up with a whole new act. And just, it was too much partying and coke. But like I've said a million times. With the chicks coming out, with the twins. Yeah.

And he would call people at the end. Yeah, that was his thing. He would call a guy's girlfriend. You fucking whore! You know, he would have a phone on stage. He was the first comic I ever saw to talk about like you know you know

I'm partying people I'm doing this I'm doing that but I'm doing it for the material yeah I'm doing it for you people

alright remember that when I'm balls deep like but I was like that's the first time I ever heard a comic actually on stage

talking about writing material yeah because like none of them ever would talk about that you know and then like

finally he was like the guy who would say it even though it was part of his drug joke. It was still funny to hear, like, wow, he writes material too. David Tell, we're out of time. That's it? We're going to turn into a pumpkin. We've been here for three hours.

Dude, thank you so much for having me, Joe. Please, you're the best. And your show, Comedy Underground, is that what it's called? Comedy Underground, Saturday, 1 a.m. Saturday, 1 a.m., Comedy Central, uncensored. Just totally raw, right? Unfiltered, uncensored. They let you do whatever you want after midnight on Comedy Central,

which is fucking amazing. Comedy Central is the new HBO Comedy Hour, really, in a lot of ways. Let's hope. Yeah, and dude, best of luck with it. We'll help tweet it. We'll pump it up. Thank you. And Operation Purple, guys, remember that, and also my special.

Dave Attell, ladies and gentlemen. Follow him online. Attell on Twitter. A-T-T-T-E-L-L? Yeah. Two Ts. And improv this weekend with Ali Wong. Oh, Jesus Christ, son. Ali Wong and some of the comedy underground folks.

Shave time. Shave money, folks. Dollarshaveclub.com forward slash Rogan. Thank you to them. Thanks also to Onnit.com. O-N-N-I-T. Usecom forward slash Rogan. Thank you to them. Thanks also to onnit.com. O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word Rogan. Save 10% off any and all supplements.

We'll see you dirty bitches at the Lobero Theater. Me with Mad Flavor, a.k.a. Planet Rock, a.k.a. Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz? Joey? Huh? That's going to be fun. Yeah. That's Santa Barbara.

That's the show. I might escape to Santa Barbara someday. I can't take Los Angeles anymore. That's the move. Alright, you fucks. We'll be back tomorrow. Brian and I are going to go shoot some shit. Nice. We're going to go shoot

some hard drives. And then Thursday we're back with Greg Fitzsimmons and after Greg Fitzsimmons we're doing Brian Callen and Brendan Schaub we're going to do a UFC wrap up all right much love to everybody thanks for

all the positive energy thanks to everybody came out in Baltimore we had a great fucking time it was it was amazing show and awesome audience all right you guys are

the shit we love you big kiss you Thank you.