The Joe Rogan Experience - #493 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: May 1, 2014

Greg Fitzsimmons is an American stand-up comedian. He also hosts his own podcast "FitzDog Radio" available on Spotify.

Fuck the music, let's just turn the show on. We're talking, this is too freeform to have an actual opening. I think I'm going to kill the opening. I think I'm going to add it in post. Because the opening, it fucking weirds everything out. It's like all of a sudden music plays and you have to start from scratch. It's like you kill the momentum. So how are you going to do it?

Just like this. No, but I mean, how did you used to do it? We used to stop, cue the music, and then Joe Rogan. Right, right, right. But why are we doing that? Because it kind of feels like a start, I think. I know it does. Bam, start.

You know what it also does, though? It kills the momentum of the conversation. That's why I don't do it sometimes, because I feel like we get this groove going. Oh, I know why. Why? Because in the future, you might not like Ting. You may be like, fuck Ting in the ass. And then you want to just be able to cut it off.

Dude, don't even say that. It's great business you're rude no no no no but someone asked me if i wanted to put together a best of the fleshlight commercials i'm like that seems like that would be kind of advertising you know like that doesn't seem like a smart move because we don't use them anymore right and the promo code probably doesn't work anymore but it would be funny as fuck maybe some of them were hilarious yeah some of them were hilarious maybe if flashlight once get involved you want a piece of the action when we bring it back just for just for some videos but uh so these doctors didn't know about each other when you had three different

prescriptions obviously now that's what's crazy. Were they different states or same state? No, all in the same state. One was my general practitioner. One was the guy who had done the operation. And then the other one was the PT guy. And then you start looking for pills elsewhere. Goddamn, dude. I knew a guy who did that with oxys.

He had a back surgery. Yeah, that's hardcore. And he had with oxys. He had a back surgery. Oh, yeah, that's hardcore. And he just, he had one in Texas, he had one down here, and different doctors feeding him pills, and he still couldn't keep them in the system. Well, I mean. Just shoving them in. It's heroin, oxy.

I mean, it's the same exact chemical makeup. Yeah, and just like you were saying, he went dark. It was a dark time. It was like there was a cloud walking over him when you'd see him. Yeah. Like those Snoopy cartoons. Right. The one dude was a cloud. Right, right.

It was literally like that. Yeah. Poor guy. Yeah, it's tough because you feel great. I'm not going to lie to you. When you are on those pills, you can talk to, like, some asshole you run into at a comedy club that you would normally avoid, I can engage.

I can have a long conversation. I was doing hour and 40-minute sets where I was just free-forming. I could sit and write scripts. I mean, it was just, for whatever my chemical makeup is that's fucked up, it righted it. Get back on the heroin. Just do it. Get back on them.

All the great writers. Vicodins isn't heroin, though, right? Vicodins back on the heroin. Just do it. Get back on them. All the great writers. Vicodins isn't heroin, though, right? I don't know. I think it's a lighter version of it. Heroin's not that bad. If you just don't take a bath, you're fine. If you don't take a bath? Yeah, when you're on heroin, because everyone dies in the bath. Well, the problem with it is

that your receptors, what's the happiness chemical in you? Dopamine? Serotonin? Yeah, your serotonin receptors get clogged up by the chemicals in barbiturates. So you no longer are able to receive serotonin because the only thing that is making you feel good is the drug.

And then you have to, when you go off it, it takes a while for those receptors to clean out and be able to accept serotonin again. And that's where you get really dark. Yeah, a friend had the same issue coming off Coke. It was that same thing, just depleted receptors. It just hypertaxes your system. That's the big deal with coming off ecstasy, right? That depleted receptors this is just it just hyper taxes your system that's the big deal with coming off ecstasy right that's where people started getting into 5-htp they started getting into 5-htp because people were coming off ecstasy

and their serotonin would be depleted right and then they realized if you take 5-htp while you're tripping before you're tripping like while you're tripping after you're tripping it gives your brain the building blocks to rebuild serotonin quicker. Right. Everything you are as a human being, this is the thing that people have a hard time wrapping their heads around when it comes to their diet or when it comes to how much nutrients they take in your body. Your body's literally built on food. It's built on food. That's the only way it gets built. You have to give it fuel. The fuel that you give it, it depends entirely on the nutritional properties of that fuel

to give your body enough to rebuild itself. And in certain circumstances, what you're doing to your body just depletes its reserves of anything, like whether it's serotonin, whether it's dopamine, that's the thing that happens to guys when they're on steroids. They get off steroids, their testicles don't work anymore. You get testicular atrophy. Same thing. You just deplete your body's ability to do something. Right.

Just wreck the whole thing. Even if you're just done. You see some people at the fucking Starbucks, and they got the sugar, and they just turn it upside down. And you literally, you think, okay, that's crazy amount. And then they keep going. And you realize like I did a cleanse a couple times because basically your system needs once in a while

to not have to deal with all this shit and just drain it all out so that it can relax. You know, it's like turning off your computer so your hard drive can go to sleep for a little while. And if you don't do that, you're fighting all the time. Yeah, when you introduce something to it like Vicodin or heroin, you're upsetting your system in such a crazy way too. Your system doesn't know what the fuck's going on. It's like every now and then this guy takes this stuff in and we're on this wild ride.

And then our reserves are depleted. We have to scramble to get that wild ride again. Otherwise we're not going to be even. Right. Like that's one of the saddest things ever. When you see those pill guys that they only take the pills to get even when they're not on the pills, they're sick. They get that sickness that they just can't deal with. And they take the pills to just relax a little. Yeah, I know. Well, what, what you're feeling on like raw food, that seems to be what people do now. Some raw food is really good for you. Some foods are better when they're cooked.

Yeah. Um, there's, there's, we had Steve Maxwell's, this famous strength and conditioning and nutrition health guy who has worked with a lot of MMA fighters. And he's, um, just a really knowledgeable guy, always on top of like health and wellness type stuff. And he was talking about the cellulose in like broccoli and certain vegetables. Like your body doesn't even process it correctly unless it's cooked. Because the cell walls are too thick. You have to cook it in order to get the most out of it,

to make it the most nutritious, which I thought was really interesting because a lot of people think that most vegetables, like eating most vegetables raw, like raw vegetables is like the way to go, which I think it is. You know what I think? I think there's no correct answer. that most vegetables, like eating most vegetables raw, like raw vegetables is like the way to go, which I think it is. You know what I think?

I think there's no correct answer. There's like some things are better raw, some things are better cooked. You probably should have both. You probably should have animal protein as well as vegetable protein. Like I always make fun of vegans, but if you saw what I eat on the most part, I eat a shit ton of vegetables.

And I eat vegetables all day long. I think it's the most important thing, other than a good quality source of protein that you take in your body. I feel different when I eat a lot of green leafy vegetables. Oh, hell yeah. I feel different. I feel better. Right. And I also, I fart a lot. If I eat vegetables a lot and fruit a lot, I fart to the point where I got a hemorrhoid. And I got this hemorrhoid and I can't get rid of it. And I noticed that I fart probably,

when I'm really going, I probably fart 20 times a day and they're long farts. And it's hard if I'm traveling, I get off the plane, I'm cramped up because I won't fart in a plane. Oh, you're a sweetie. Cross country. So I go to the urinal. And I was with my son one time. We were coming back from a trip from Florida. And we went into the men's room and we're both at the urinal. And that's where I let it rip. And, I mean, it's like a crazy comedy fart.

And he started laughing so hard. His face turned red and he laughed. He's like, Dad, I can't believe you did that. I go, that's what a gentleman does. That meant I didn't do that on the plane. Dude, good for you, man. Right. Do you take enzymes?

I just got some probiotics in the mail that I'm going to start taking. That's different. Oh, it is? Yeah. I mean, probiotics are very good. It's very good for intestinal health and the digestive health. But enzymes are really important as well. Really?

Yeah, you can buy enzymes. What's a good one? I'll get you some. I'll get you some on it ones. There's a ton of good ones that are on the market. There's certain enzymes that are in certain vegetables and certain fruits, especially like papaya. Papaya is a big one for digestion.

That's why you ever eat at one of those Brazilian places, those Fogo de Chão places? Yeah, they're awesome. But one of the best desserts they have is this papaya smoothie. Right, right. And one of the cool things about it is the papaya actually has, I think it's pectin or one of those, some enzyme that helps you digest all the meat.

So it's like a good post-meal thing. It's beautiful and it tastes so fucking good. But that's where the farting comes from, they say, is because the fruit and the meat together break down at different times. So the fruit digests immediately, so it forms a bubble behind the big red meat. And then as you digest the red meat, it releases the papaya fart. Yeah, it's intense. Well, they say that if you're going to eat, like, one of the best ways they, I don't know who they are,

but people who I've talked to that are health and nutrition experts say that you should have, like, your vegetables should be, like, one of the first things you eat. Like, eating a vegetable smoothie or eating a fruit smoothie, something fruit or vegetable-based, is, like, one of the most important things early because it kind of like opens the pipes up and lubes them down. Yeah. And that way when you're eating something else, if you eat something that's a meat-based meal later, it's attacking.

You're already open. You know, you're already sent in the troops to clear out the fucking forest. Right. And then your shit comes flying out of you. So there's a logic to like the Italian six-course meal. First is the antipasta, which is some raw vegetables, and then that loosens it up. And then you get the heavy carb pasta as your

second meal. Because then you... I never follow because I'm so fucking stuffed. I'm Irish. So the first wave comes and we just attack it like there's never going to be food again. And then they keep bringing like... My friend Frank Moretti is Italian.

We used to we I used to have dinner at his house and they had fucking antipasta, then pasta. Then they'd have shrimp. Then they'd have like another pasta, then a meat. And I was just I felt embarrassed that I couldn't keep eating because I eaten too much. Well, you know what? That's an important point when it comes to eating, that it's not just about health. Like, I think you should eat for health's sake most of the time because I think your body will work better and you'll feel better. But that said, you should also enjoy food, like, as a delicious art form. Yeah.

You know? And, like, if you go to a really jamming Italian restaurant and they bring out a five-course meal and it's got antipasto and delicious lasagna. And then there's a meat course. I'm like, oh my God. Like you're awash in like an orgy of sensations. Right, right. And you should appreciate that for what it is.

Like, yeah, you're going to be sleepy afterwards. Yeah, it's not the best thing for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But every now and again, it's a great thing to do. Dude, let's do it. Me, you and Callan and our wives. Let's go to a good fucking restaurant. Okay, let's do it. Come on. Did I get too excited? No, no, no great thing to do. Dude, let's do it. Me, you, and Callan, and our wives. Let's go to a good fucking restaurant. Okay, let's do it. Come on. Did I get too

excited? No, no, no. I'm ready. You got me excited. No, seriously. I was thinking about that the other day. We're due. Yeah, yeah. Let's do it. I'm down. 100%. Let's do it. Callan's going to be here right after you, so we'll work it out. Right. Here's the answer. When you were asking earlier, the difference between heroin and Vicodin. So, heroin,

it's, according to this post online, has a greater euphoric and analgesic property than Vicodin. It's less potent in an oral to milligram basis. So heroin is indistinguishable from morphine if administered any way other than IV. And heroin is more sedating than hydrocodone by a very notable degree. So it seems that heroin slows you down more. It's more of a sedative. You're not out. That's probably like when you're taking Vicodin, you felt like really creative and you got a lot done. I think that the Vicodin, it quells your fears and your anxieties. It seems to be an extreme anti-anxiety pill. No shit.

Because creativity, once you feel anxious, it tightens up. You lose it. Sometimes it enhances it with me, though. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Sometimes, like when I, especially pot, like eating pot, for me there's oftentimes a period of anxiety or a feeling of vulnerability. Just a reality of being a person, being a finite life form.

You get existential. You get weird, man. You just weird out. But then afterwards, I sort of relax from that, and then I have this wave of ideas that comes. It's just like a gift for tolerating all the freak out. It's like the universe. Okay, you got through that, good. Here's some ideas.

Right. Ooh, these are like gifts, like gifts from the gods, you know? Right. But I don't get that from Vicodin. I only took Vicodin once, and it didn't work with me. With my system, it just made me a moron. Yeah. I was just sitting, maybe I was too much.

Maybe I overdosed or something. I got some Vicodin right here if you guys want to take some and try it out. You have Vicodin on you? Yeah. something. You have Vicodin's on you? Why do you have Vicodin's on you? It's actually been in this box for the last year when I had my operation of my teeth. I don't like Vicodin's, so I just kept it here.

Don't keep Vicodin's in the studio. How am I going to explain it to cops? I'm like, I don't know where the Vicodin's came from. I don't even have Vicodin's. Did you plant Vicodin's and then I accused the cop of planting Vicodin came from. I don't even have Vicodin. Did you plant Vicodin? Then I accused a cop of planting Vicodin. Cop shoots my dog. Yeah, for no reason.

Where's your dog? That's what they do. They shoot dogs. You ever seen the fucking videos of cops shooting dogs? There's so many cops that actually enjoy shooting dogs. There's like collies bark when they come to arrest someone for something, and they just unload on the dog. It's a Collie's bark when they come to arrest someone for something, and they just unload on the dog. Yeah.

It's a fear tactic. That's sick. And it's also to let them know that, you know, I'm completely in control here. I just shot your dog. You're in shock now. Right. And it's a tactic of control. Damn.

Of manipulation and control. It happens all the time. Cop allegedly fought back a smile after fatally shooting friendly dog. Damn. They do it all the time. Yeah. Aw. They do it all the time yeah oh they do it all the time yeah there was there was uh i mean there's a ton of videos i hate even talking about it because it makes me sick there's a ton of videos online right cops they're just fucking shooting dogs

huh you know i get it if you're going over a bad guy's house and that bad guy has some dogs and those dogs would sick you I get it But there's a lot of times where they're doing it where that's not the case at all there was a guy who was a fucking mayor and They they shot his dog and they shot Another dog ran away and hid and they chased after the dog and while I was hiding they shot that no shit labs Chocolate labs and then I think they're chocolate, maybe golden labs. But I remember them being like really like dogs you never have to worry about.

And then they arrest the family because someone had delivered some marijuana to the wrong address. So what it was probably was that this guy was a postman and the postman was working some sort of a drug deal. And what he would do is he would be delivering to a certain address. So instead of him actually delivering the package, the package was going to that address. He handles all the packages that go to that address. Instead of that, he picked up the package himself and it was pot. So the people that were in the house turned out to actually be a mayor. So this guy was fucking having pot delivered to this mayor's house.

So this guy, the mayor, had nothing to do with it. So they break down his house. They break down his door, shoot his dog, chase his other dog in hiding, shoot it, fucking zip tie everybody, treat them like they're drug dealers. And then it turns out— This guy black? I don't remember. Okay, let's find out.

Because this sounds familiar. Yes, I think he was. Mayor, I want to say of D.C. No, I remember it was around D.C. It might have been a little bit south. Yeah, if the dog owner's black, it's way more scary than if a white dog owner. Right, no, and then it got big. I think Obama commented on it.

What do you mean? Right, like if it's probably, like if you go to somebody's house and a bunch of dogs are, like, at the door, you're probably more scared at a black guy's house than a white guy's house. Why? Because white guys have, like, shitty, like, bitch dogs usually. I think that's a fair stereotype. I mean, there is. White guys have bitch dogs? If you're in, you know, the hood, there's a fair chance that those dogs have been bred to fight or at least be very aggressive.

Okay, it's Maryland, and here's the—it's Berwyn Heights, and here's the actual story from Wikipedia. The Berwyn Heights mayor's residence drug raid was a controversial—controversial action— taken by the Prince George County, Maryland Sheriff's Office and Police Department at the home of Berwyn Heights Mayor Chey Calvo. I don't know how to say that. In 2008, the raid was a culmination of an investigation that began in Arizona where a package containing 32 pounds of marijuana was intercepted at a warehouse addressed to the mayor's residence. In spite of intercepting the package in transit, the police allowed the package to be delivered, and once the package arrived at the house,

a SWAT team raided and held the mayor and his mother-in-law at gunpoint, shot and killed his two dogs, one while it attempted to run away. The event gained national and international media attention while the Calvoses, I guess, were cleared of wrongdoing. The police were accused attention why Calvos, while the Calvoses, I guess, were cleared of wrongdoing, the police were accused by the Calvos

and civil rights groups of lacking a proper search warrant, excessive force, and failure to conduct a proper background investigation of the home being raided. Yeah, I think Obama made a statement about it, as a matter of fact.

In 2010, in August, the sheriff stated, we'd do it again tonight. What? Wow. I love cops in certain states. We'd do it again tonight, he said. You know, sheriffs.

Oh, my God. It's like that Sheriff Joe in Phoenix. These sheriffs, it's like, I don't know what the checks and balances is on sheriffs, but they seem to be able to say whatever the fuck they want. There's some douchebags out there. They're sheriffs, that's for sure. I mean, like everything, there's cops that are great, and then there's cops that suck at it. Right.

And it's a fucking really hard job. That's part of the problem. They don't get enough respect. It's a really hard job. It's a super dangerous job. It's not well paid. It's not well paid, and they developed this us versus them mentality, which is super dangerous because they are us.

This idea that you're not us, that you can go over a guy's house and shoot his fucking Labrador. That's crazy, man. I mean, it should be crazy. But you get so used to the stress of combat on a daily basis. Imagine being a fucking cop. Everybody you deal with all day is lying to you. Yeah, my buddy's a cop in the South Bronx and he works the graveyard shift. Yeah, my buddy's a cop in the South Bronx, and he works the graveyard shift.

And he said that they show up, they'll show up to help somebody, and people on rooftops in the tenements will start throwing fucking paint cans down on the street. And just any time they see a uniform, it's like, if we come into a place, we need to make the arrest and get out of there in less than five minutes. Otherwise, a crowd gathers, and it's like a near-riot situation. Oh, my God. If you go into certain tenements. Imagine living like that.

You know you've got to go in, and you're going in there because you're assisting the fire department because somebody had a heart attack, or you're going in because there was reported domestic violence. You're trying to help the community, and you are under attack. It's like fucking Iraq. Well, do you remember what happened during the L.A. riots after the O.J. Simpson trial where they were shooting firefighters?

They were shooting firefighters. Yeah, they were shooting at people. They were shooting at anybody with a uniform. Anybody with a uniform. And just white people in general. I mean, that whole Reginald Denny thing where they pulled him out of his truck and bashed a fucking brick off of his head

on national television. Do you remember that scene? Yeah, yeah. Unbelievably scary. Right. When you watch the fact that this guy, for no reason other than the fact that the guy was white, pulls him out of a truck and then takes a brick and hurls it at his head, full clip, caving his face in.

Right. I mean, that happened just because the guy was white. Right. And the same thing with lynchings of black people in the South. But's really fucked yeah but for sure but that was a different time you know it's really fucked that like that kind of racism like the black against white racism white people go well yeah we kind of have a comment a little bit you know what i mean it wasn't me so he took one for the team all this fucking this think about this owner of this basketball team. It's Donald Stoll.

All he said was, keep away from black people. Don't take pictures of the black people. And everybody wants his head. It's over. He said a couple... I mean, look. Obviously, do I even need to say we're not condoning it? Of course.

We're not. Of course. But this dude has a billion-dollar team. He has to fucking sell because he made some stupid statements. He didn't prohibit a black person from coming on the team. He didn't mistreat a black person even. He just made statements. Yeah.

He apparently had a reputation for a long time of being racist. And he was the guy that Ron Artest, was it Ron Artest that sued him in 2009? Yeah. Sued them for racial discrimination. So it's obvious that the guy was a racist. There's no question. Well, also, he owns buildings, and there were lawsuits brought against him

because he was profiling people into his apartments. He wasn't allowing black people into his apartments. Yeah, and he lost millions of dollars in those lawsuits. Right. He's obviously a piece of shit. There's no question's no question no doubt he's a piece of shit however what did he say that was so awful that everybody's fining him two million dollars he didn't use the n-word no he said don't take pictures around black people because it makes me look bad he said you can fuck them right that was what's even crazier. That's an open-minded guy.

You know what it was? This is what happened, man. The chick was getting sued. I don't know if you know this. Yeah, his wife was suing her. The wife was suing the side piece, which is preposterous. The wife, I mean, it's ridiculous. She was humiliating her husband. That's why she did it.

Yes. But the idea was ridiculous. The idea that you can't take gifts back. The guy gave away some gifts. And he got the pussy. Can you give the pussy back? What kind of ridiculous statement is that? I mean, the whole thing is ridiculous.

If prostitution was nice and legal, that relationship could have existed in harmony for a long time. If it was just above board, out in the open. I mean, he gave her two Bentleys, a Ferrari, and a Range Rover oh shit yeah and he bought her this fat fucking crib it's it's just prostitution it's fine it should be fine and that kind of

prostitution for a girl is like the perfect time you get like a relationship with the guy you don't have to fuck anybody else for money this guy gives you a ton of cash i mean if that's what you want to do he's even saying he can go fuck other guys. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I really don't. Just like I don't think there's anything wrong with someone cleaning your teeth. You think someone wants to clean your fucking teeth? Well, especially a chick who's been taking hot, thick ones from a basketball team owner.

She needs her teeth cleaned. They're sticky and gummed up. He's probably got like tar that comes out of his dick. Like cigarette tar. Spider webs, cigarette tar. Spider webs come out of his mouth when he comes.

Like cobwebs. Like fogs of cobwebs sticking her hair. He wraps his ball sack around her neck three times and he's skull fucking her. TMZ has a thing that he was out last night eating at a restaurant.

Good for him. They were like, the ball's on this guy. But can you imagine how many, like eating at a restaurant now, people are probably putting their pubic hairs in his tacos and stuff. Yeah, he's fucked. And here's my take on the whole thing with the money thing. $2.5 million ain't shit to that dude. He's 80 years old and he's got $1.9 billion.

For folks who don't know what a billion is, it's $1,000 million. So he has $1.9 thousand million. You can take $2.5 million. He's not going to notice. He has too much money. That's.02% of his money. And the interest he's making on all his money. Like, he'll make that back in a week.

That money comes and goes. It's like finding a guy like you a hundred bucks. It's like you're not going to notice a hundred bucks. It's going to be there. It's gone. He doesn't give a fuck.

But the public humiliation must be unbearable. What a way to finish out your life. Picture him even at his own country club that's filled with these reptilian blue bloods. Even those people are going to reject. What you said was good. What you said was good. What you said was good.

She was incorrect. She was out of line. She needed a correction. Good correction. They don't understand our world. The world of the billionaire Ferrari buyer. We will live forever. You know, I went to the girl's Instagram too,

and it's like so many people are so fucking mean. It's a weird thing we've got in our culture today where people can just comment on videos and comment on pictures. Because there's folks out there that are just waiting for someone that they can yell at. They don't have any connection to this woman. Me, I was curious about the whole thing. to this woman. Like, me, I was curious about the whole thing. I feel bad for the woman, that she's that woman that has to sleep with this 80-year-old man.

I feel bad for him, that he's an old racist. I feel bad for the whole situation. The wife? I feel bad for everybody. So I'm looking at it just out of a public curiosity, because here's a story that I can't escape. It's all over my Twitter feed. But when I go to the Instagram and I see the comments, like the other people's reaction to this scenario that doesn't involve them in the slightest right you

fucking ugly pig whore you know get some more plastic surgery you cunt you rat you piece of shit you know you did the right thing girl fuck him you should have cut his dick off i mean you're just reading fucked up comment after fucked up comment. What kind of a world is this where people think that's okay to do? They have pictures of their dog. They have pictures of them on a hike. They have pictures of their new car that they're washing. Then they have a fucking comment on someone else's page. You fucking cunt.

Misogynistic. I hope he cuts your tits off. You fuck with the wrong guy. He's got a billion dollars. Just the meanest shit. Right, right. Well, and like remember Monica Lewinsky? It was like, oh boy, did they fucking hate her.

But here's the thing. This chick, mark my words, in one year she will have a reality show. Yeah, you're right. She will have a pocketbook line. She will be worth a billion dollars. Well, in that sense it's good, but in another sense it's bad because they enter the world of hate.

It's like, you remember when Kelsey Grammer's wife was on that Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and then they broke up and then she became famous for being a mean person

on the show, but the hate was so overwhelming that this wave of hate that came at her and she just stepped away as fuck. Do you think she encouraged

that at first? I don't think she knew what she was doing. Right. I don't think she knew what she was getting into and I thought she was going to try to be controversial.

You know, apparently she's a nice person. I know someone who's met her. She's a nice person. So she was trying to be controversial and do that show. That's the thing

is you think about like Andy Kaufman when he'd go into the ring and he'd fight women and he'd call the Southerners rednecks in their own – like he was courting it and it was taken the right way. I mean some people hated him and some people got it. But nowadays people go into it and they say, I'm going to be a fucking pariah. I'm going to represent everything people hate and I'm going to make a lot of money from it.

And they just figure out a way to rationalize it because of the fact that they're, you know, they're going to get paid for it, but you're also going to get paid back. You have to realize what you put out, the way you make people feel, that's exactly how they shoot back at you. And there's some people that take it for no reason. And then, you know, you see a girl and she's just beautiful and, you know, you hate her because you could never be her or you hate her because you could never fuck her. There's always going to be people that are just really negative for no reason. What do you think of the Kardashians? It's the same thing.

I mean, look at the hate that those girls get. I mean, do they deserve hate? What do they do that's so horrible? They don't do anything that's great. They don't do anything that's interesting. They just represent the worst thing in America. But it's not the worst thing in America. It's not even close.

It's just shallowness. The worst thing is violence. The worst thing is rape. The worst thing is people victimizing people, bullying people in school, bullying in the workplace. That's the worst thing is meanness, is people just being violent, hurting people. worst thing is meanness. It's people just being violent, hurting people. What they're doing is just being idiots that are

shallow, that run around, and they broadcast them in front of you with really clever editing so that you can't take your eyes away from it. You find yourself watching it for no fucking reason. The real evil is the reaction to it. I mean, kids are watching this shit. They don't know that she got her start by doing internet

porn. They just think that she's... Oh, they fucking know. Everybody knows. Do they? Everybody knows. I don't think my kids know that she's famous because of that.

Your kids know. You're crazy. How old are your kids? Your kids 16, right? No, 10 and 13. 10 and 13. Sorry, 13. They don't.

They fucking know. By the time they're 8, they don't. They hear about blowjobs when they're like 7. One kid tells another kid that his brother got his dick sucked. You're like, what? Someone's drinking pee?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. There's no drinking pee. It feels good. What? You're like, what? And then they cover their dicks. And then they sit around the schoolyard.

They tell each other these things. I was 11 when I heard about a blowjob. And I remember thinking, like, I literally thought you blew on it. Yes, I thought so, too! I thought the exact same thing! That's so funny. I thought the exact same thing. And it just, it seems crazy. Now, look, people say, well, it's so gross. Girls are given blowjobs left and right in school. And I think, good, it's better than getting pregnant. Let them suck away. No one's getting hurt with that. There's nothing wrong with it.

You know, I had this conversation with some parents the other day. This guy was, his daughter, you know, he got a picture off her phone of her cuddling with her boyfriend, you know, but she's like 16. The boyfriend's like 16 too and he's like, you know, you know, who knows what else is going on. He's all upset, shaking

his head. And then the wife was like, you know, talking about how when she was 16, it was actually another mom was talking about how when she was 60 it was actually another another mom was was talking about how i know what i was like when i was 16 and i was like come on listen boys like girls and girls like boys we're being crazy we're like we're attaching all the same sentiments that the puritans had and our parents had and their parents had all these that we know to be silly now. And all this suppression of natural sexuality is what makes people

so fucked up in the first place. Yeah, my friends, they have a daughter and when she was like 16, 17 years old, she had a boyfriend. And at first I was like, I couldn't believe it. They were letting the boyfriend sleep over. You know, knowing they were having sex. And I thought, God, that's fucking twisted.

But then I thought, I was having sex at that age, but I was in a car, cops could have come, and the whole aura of it was negative and shameful. Why not let your kid feel that sex is a normal, healthy thing, and if you're doing it responsibly, then why not? Having a boyfriend is no different than having a friend. I think if you make it different, it's certainly intense that way. But if you make it different if you make it different, it's certainly intense that way. But if you make it different, then it becomes different. Yeah.

If you make it like, Oh, forbidden, you had to attach. There's this girl that I dated in high school and me and her sister didn't get along. Her sister was just fucking angry. And I was probably angry too. And, uh, we, uh, for whatever reason we clashed. And part of the reason was her sister was really hot. Like, um, the, the, the, the one who wasn't so hot was always angry. for whatever reason we clashed and part of the reason was her sister was really hot like um the the the one who wasn't so hot was always angry and the hot one like dudes were just bombing on her

left and right and uh the we and the the not so hot one got an argument at school and because of that like the the sister was not supposed to date me there was like this thing so because we weren't supposed to date each other it was like this thing. So because we weren't supposed to date each other, it was like this lot, this romance that could never be, you know, put together. It's like the tension, like we were meant to be together, you know, and then, you know, parents finally let me date her somewhere along the line. And I was like, oh, this is boring. Yeah.

Stupid. It didn't last like a month. That's why Romeo and Juliet killed themselves. They're like, this is as good as it gets. They realize this is as good as it gets. Yeah. I mean, the real problem that we have is with the tension between males and females. That's the real problem.

The anger that men have towards women. And the anger that some women have towards men. It's so dangerous and pervasive. I think it's changing. I really do. I think that, you know, if you've been to Canada or Europe, that feeling between the genders is very different. They're much more like friends over there. Yes. Canada, especially. Yeah. And I'm starting to see, you know, like talking about my friend's daughter, like getting to know kids of that generation. It's very

different. They really do hang out as a group more. The men and women are on more of an even plane. Like my son just had his first girlfriend, and it was very chill. It was like, it wasn't, he told us about it, you know, and they weren't, it wasn't like a big, high-stakes adventure. It was just like, yeah, we hang out, we have lunch together, you know, as a group, we go to movies, whatever. And he didn't, he felt like he was getting serious, so he broke up with her. He's 13. He's like, he even said, he goes, I'm 13. That's hilarious.

Yeah. Well, you've done a great job. We put a lot of artificial charge to things that don't have to be there. You know, this artificial significance. I think a lot of it is them watching TV shows and movies where romance

is always the fucking central thing. Every song that comes out. It used to be people wrote songs about shit. You know, Hendrix would write about, you know, purple fucking, you know, haze and weird shit. And now everything is about loving a girl or breaking up with a girl. Well, those are the songs that resonate with people. How many people connect relationships to a song? Right.

There's a song that I listen to that all I could think of is driving to this girl's house in the middle of the night. There's a song, Radar Love, Golden Earring song. If I hear that song, it's my girlfriend in high school moved across the state and I'd go visit her. We'd have a phone conversation at 10 o'clock at night.

She lived a couple hours away. At 10 o'clock at night, I'd get in my car and drive to visit her and then listen to that song, Radar Love. So that song, to this day, I hear it. I think about that one person. There's always like the weird song. Driving at night, I got my hands on the wheel. It's a great fucking tune, man.

Yeah, 80s songs. Fuck, man. I don't think that's an 80s song. Radar Love? Is it 90s? I think it's earlier than that. I think it's like a 70s song. Let's see. Golden Earring, Radar Love? Is it 90s? I think it's earlier than that. I think it's like a 70s song. Let's see. Golden Earring, Radar Love.

Let's see. Golden Earring had like three monster songs. Yeah. And that was it. No, I bought a 76 Volkswagen Rabbit. 73. It was 73? Wow. Play it, Brian. Golden Earring, Radar Love on YouTube. I can remember every

fucking song. I got this Rabbit and I started driving to school my senior year because my school was about 20 minutes away. And every song, Burning Down the House, I can name the 20 top songs that were on the radio then. Every one of them I still will listen to when it comes on today. It just brings me back. Yeah, there are songs. You just instantly remember where you were.

I was in my car in Boston, and it was April, and I was listening to a Prince song, Sometimes It Snows in April. And I remember, wow, I've got to get out of fucking Boston. It's not supposed to snow in April, you fucks. It was a signal, right. Michigan or Minnesota where Prince lived, that's just as ridiculous. Sometimes It Snows in April.

We'll fucking move because that's crazy. That's spring, bitch. I know. And kids go to college there. People go like, I'm going to go to Minnesota to go to college for 40. It's like, did you fucking visit in the spring? You really should have gone around January and checked it out. You know you can go to Arizona State.

Right, right. It gets 50. Yeah. And a real cold spell rolls into town. I mean, shit, we went to college in Boston. I don't know what the fuck. But I somehow didn't mind it. I guess I was drunk the whole time.

But it didn't bother me that much. Well, the town is so great, it almost makes up for the fact that it's fucking cold as dick in the winter. Not when you're going to University of Wisconsin, man. There's no reason to be there. Unless you're really into Wisconsin-type chicks. Chicks that can make their own cheese. Girls who know how to farm. And fart.

Imagine them farting. Wisconsin girls, probably. That's why they wear skirts in the winter. I lived in Boston, so I went to school in Boston, but I don't know if I would have stayed. I don't know. I mean, if I had an option to go somewhere else and go to school, I probably wouldn't

have went somewhere else. I was attracted because of the history of it. I just felt like it was an important city. Why should I have the song on? So I sort of felt like it was a good place to learn. But then I stayed because there was a quarter of a million people my age all in the city, and that energy was crazy.

And then I stuck around because we were doing comedy, and then all of a sudden one day it was like you said, I woke up one day and I went, what am I doing? I've got to get the fuck out of this freezing cold, kind of segregated, weird city. It's a great place to be in the beginning, and then as you get older, like especially for a comic, there's a trap, and there was a trap in Boston.

We all were aware of it. There was a trap where you could be a local headliner and you could make good money, but you will never work the road. So you'll be trapped in Boston forever. And we all would talk about it. There's certain guys that never got out. And those guys, they just showed us. They showed us that there's a flaw in this system.

It's awesome in the beginning. It's a great nest, but you've got to leave the nest. But it's a great life lesson because New York becomes the same way. You go to New York and you can turn into a comic that does too much crowd work, that's too bitter, that doesn't do extended bits because, you know, you can kind of scrape together a living by being in the city and doing in-city spots. But it's really important eventually to go like, not that you have to come to L.A., but you've got to get out on the road. city and doing in-city spots, but it's really important eventually to go like, I gotta,

not that you have to come to LA, but you gotta get out on the road. Yeah, you gotta do sets, like real headline sets. Yeah. The New York guys, we would work with them on the road sometimes. They would come and do like these Bob Gonzo gigs or John Shuler gigs in Connecticut. Right. They couldn't headline. They had these 10-minute sets that they would do in the city, so they would go outside the city and they'd try to do 40 minutes.

They just couldn't put it together. And there was no clothes. There was no bills. The overall set just felt like a guy groping. And they would talk about being on the subway. And when you talk about being on the subway in Connecticut, they alienate you. That's right.

They're like, you're not even into this. Yeah, and you're used even into this. Yeah. And you're used to playing on race and homosexuality because that's the audience in New York. And you go to Connecticut and they're like, what? Yeah. This isn't our energy. Totally different sort of an environment. Yeah, that's a weird thing, man.

There's a big difference between the kind of comedy that you do when you're starting to put together your first few minutes, the kind of comedy you do when you want to do a TV set, like a Letterman set, or remember like the half hour comedy hour, everybody wanted to get on that. Right. Mario Joyner. Evening at the Improv. All those. Right.

And then there's like a real road set where you got to put on a show. It's got to start somewhere. You take them on a little journey and then it's got to wrap up tight. Good night, everybody. He's got to be confident. You're the orchestra leader. You're the alpha. You're up there.

And in New York, it's like, look, nothing is more. I think of all those things. Working as a club comic in New York might be the most important because it forces you to follow guys like Atel and Louie, whoever's coming on that night. Keep your shit together. Stay cool. Learn that people are going to be getting seated and leaving because they're long shows.

They'll start a show at 8 that goes to 1 in the morning. So there's a lot of activity in the crowd, and you've got to learn to deal with it. So it's crucial, but it's not the end. Yeah, it's a good place to fuck around, though. It's a good gym. Much like the Comedy Store is a good gym for that. That's the same sort of scenario Where the show starts at 8pm And goes to 2 o'clock in the morning

It's just a continual show I gotta start working there It's the one club I don't work It's dark Yeah, that's why I didn't used to go there Because it was so dark And I thought that people get bumped a lot But now I hear it's become a really better run

Yeah, I hear good things I've been hearing better things Oh, you don't go there? No, no, I stopped going there. Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah. Yeah. I stopped going there in the Mencia incident of 2007.

Yeah, I forgot about that. That was it for me. Yeah. February, I think it was. Seven years ago. That's too bad because you're a good fit for the room. Yeah, no, I like the Ice House better. It's the same sort of thing.

Ice House is great. But it's, everyone's cool as fuck. Right. When you go there, it's like the whole staff is just super friendly. I get psyched when I see the bartenders. I get psyched when I see the manager. The owner's a cool dude. He loves comedy.

Bob's the best. It's like if I have a choice between a place to work out, I always go with the Ice House. And the audience, it's one of the weirdest things. You walk on stage, they're smiling at you. You haven't even talked, and they're just looking at you like, we're so happy you came. Thanks for coming down. Well, those crowds that we put together when we do those shows there, too,

it's like, they're so positive. They're so psyched to be there. And then, you know, you're doing a show where there's like, you know, Euron and Callan's on and Duncan's on. It's like, they're killer lineups. And so, we've been doing them there for a while and it's magical. So when I think about going somewhere else, like I do The Laugh Factory sometimes. I'll do the Dom Herrera show.

Yeah, that's fun. Or I'll do Comedy Juice, The Improv. I'll fuck around there. And I need to start doing The Flappers in Burbank. I need to start doing that more. It's real good. Also, West Side Comedy Theater is great. Where's that at?

It's right on the promenade. Really? Santa Monica? Yeah, it's sort of, it's really weird. You enter it from an alley behind the Third Street promenade, and it's this little theater, but I'm telling you, man, these crowds are so fucking good. When are you going there again? I'll go with you. Sunday, I'm doing a Sunday night in a few weeks. This Sunday?

No, it's in a few weeks. Oh, well, let me know, man. I'm gonna go with you. Okay, with you Neil Brennan runs it Neil Brennan runs a club? Right Well he runs a night He talked to me about that That's right No shit that's good

Yeah yeah I'll let you know Come down Damn Oh I'm excited to do that Cause I've always said There used to be places On the west side Well the Improv had a place

Right on Santa Monica Boulevard On the west side So did the store That was the original I don't know if it was the original, but it was... The store had one on the west side? Yeah, a lot of people don't know that... Kenison didn't really make his beginning in the store in Hollywood.

A lot of the sets he did were in Brentwood. There was a comedy store in Brentwood. Oh, right, right. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't that close. I don't know, a long time before I came around. I came around in 94.

It was already closed. Yeah. So Kenison and the guys down there, like Carla Bode, they, like, ran the show. It wasn't Igby's, was it? No, but there was Igby's. I couldn't work Igby's because I was dirty, but I was hanging around with Adam Ferrara, and I used to go with him. We used to play pool a lot.

Adam plays really good. Does he? Yeah, really good. And so we went to Igby's a couple of times, and he would do a set, and then we would go play pool afterwards. Back when Hollywood billiards used to be around. Where was that?

Well, it was downtown. I forget where it was, but there was an earthquake in 94, 93, whatever it was. It fucked up the structure. They had to condemn the building, and it was a 24-hour place back then. So then it moved to more Hollywood, Hollywood. And it was there until recently.

Is that the place that was on the second floor? No, it was downstairs, actually. You'd go downstairs to get to Hollywood Billiards. Yeah. It was a sweet spot. And then there was the Boston Athletic Club, which is another pool hall that was right off of Sunset. And it was an old athletic club that they turned into a pool hall.

And it was great. I used to get there with Ferrara. It was a real pool hall. Yeah. It was a nice pool hall. I played there with a bunch of guys. I played there with Jim Brewer. That's where I met Max Eberle.

And that was a sweet spot, too. That place went under as well. That's great. Yeah, there's no pool halls left in Hollywood. I know. They're all gone. There's that one in Santa Monica that's pretty good. It's a great spot.

House of Billiards? Yeah. I play at the House of Billiards in Sherman Oaks. I play the tournament there sometimes on Monday nights. Oh, I think you took me there once. It's great. It's great. Those are the only places left.

Right. But I mean, for a game like pool with a population like LA, there's 20 million fucking people here. I know. LA is... I don't get LA, man. There's no late night places to eat that are any good. There's a lot of shit that's just missing.

Well, there's a few places that are really good, like Cantor's. Cantor's is great. Cantor's is fucking phenomenal. It's a solid New York deli. It's the best pastrami in LA. It is. And you can get that at 2 o'clock in the morning. Swingers.

Swingers is really good and healthy, too. Swingers has some really good choices. Yeah. But for a city as big as L.A., I mean, if I had come up with my list, it would have been those same two restaurants. You know, that's it. There's not, you know, Norm's fucking sucks. Apparently, there's a Pacific Dining Cart in downtown that's 24 hours a day. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, the writers on Tosh were telling me how great it was. Pacific Dining Cart's like a legit steakhouse. Oh, yeah. And there's one in downtown LA that's 24 hours a day. Yeah. So you can get a steak, like a real legit steak at a restaurant at 4 a.m. Wow. It's weird that LA doesn't have the 24-hour thing in general.

Like in Ohio, every store is open 24 hours. We had Meyers that was open 24 hours. We had department stores. Walmarts were all open 24 hours. Walmarts were all open 24 hours? Yeah, all our stuff in Ohio is open 24 hours. But then you go to L.A. and it's like everything closed. Even the Walmarts out here closed.

I was just at Fort Lauderdale, and I realized those nightclubs around the Hard Rock stay open until 5 o'clock in the morning. Yeah. And then there's like clubs that stay open until noon that open at midnight in fucking Florida. Wow. Yeah. And L.A., 2 o'clock, done. People don't even stay up that late anyway. Yeah, that's a weird thing about L.A.

Why is that? Why does everything close up so early? New York is like 4 a.m., right? I don't know if it's because it's like a healthy city and people get up early and hike and do yoga and they take work more seriously. Grocery stores. That's another good example. All our grocery stores were open 24 hours a day. That is a good example because people who work the third shift, that's tough action for them.

You know, you want to get off work. You get off work at 4 o'clock in the morning. You want to go pick up some groceries. You can't. Right. It's fucked up. Yeah, that's annoying. That would be annoying.

Well, remember in Boston, you couldn't buy alcohol on Sundays. Oh, yeah. We used to go to New Hampshire. The blue laws. Right. So stupid. It's all the puritanical. Jesus doesn't want you drunk.

You got to get sober so you can listen to the Father. The Father. Let the Father touch your pee-pee. Don't worry about it. In Ohio, we had drive-thrus where you can listen to the father. The father. Let the father touch your pee-pee. Don't worry about it. In Ohio, we had drive-thrus where you can buy alcohol. Yeah, they have those in New Hampshire. Alcohol drive-thrus. They have those in Phoenix, too.

Remember? Phoenix has them. Yeah, in Louisiana, they'll give you a mixed drink, but it has to have a top on it with a straw, and the paper thing has to be covering the top of the straw. We call it a sealed beverage. Ah! Awesome. Louisiana.

Yeah. We had a driver once in Louisiana in New Orleans. New Orleans. Great fucking guy. And after we left, he was driving us around, rather. He was telling us about he was, one time he was in another place in Louisiana and the cop pulled him over and he had a beer in his hand and uh the cop

starts talking to him and asking him like questions and this and that he's answering the cop's questions and he finishes the beer puts it down and pops the other beer and the cop goes what the fuck are you doing and he goes where he goes where are you from and he's like new orleans he goes okay okay okay listen you can do shit there you can't do anywhere else you can't just drink a beer in front of me man that's shit that's why i'm pulling you over in the first place and he goes i wasn't even drunk he wasn't even drunk he was just enjoying a beer right driving another passenger no no he wasn't driving he was walking he was walking down the street. Right. He didn't see anything wrong with it.

Right. He thought, like, I'm just walking down the street. Cop pulls me over. Well, what's the pot laws? Are you allowed to smoke pot in the street? No. Can you smoke here in your studio? Allegedly. This is what's going on with pot. Pot is decriminalized. And what decriminalized does not mean legal.

So in California, it's decriminalized. In Colorado, it's legal. In Colorado, you could just smoke weed. But they were trying to institute a law in Colorado where they would bring out these sensors and they would have these things. They attach their nose. They look preposterous. They look like something from a Dr. Seuss book, Come to Life. And it's this thing that literally goes over your nose and looks like a bullhorn and they would sniff through it. And if they could detect X

parts per million of marijuana outside of your residence, they could go and arrest you or fine you. Oh, right. I heard about that. Yeah. But everybody was so negative against it that I'm pretty sure that they dropped it because people were so angry. Like how stupid that was. Very 1984. Not only that, it gives people the ability to stand outside. You know what it is? It's people that were for the longest time enforcing a policy that's not

valid anymore. There's the thing. See that guy's nose? That shit's real. Look at his face. He looks like the type of asshole he'd be looking. He's already frowning. Meanwhile, that guy needs weed more than anybody. Right, right. Put a smile on his face.

Silly bitch. Yeah, I was just in Colorado, and I didn't get a chance to read. But a couple of the comics I talked to, one of them isn't even doing comedy much because he's doing pot tours. It's what everybody's doing now for money in Colorado. They just do comedy at pot shops? No, no. The pot tour is people come into Colorado to go to the dispensers. Oh, you drive them around.

You drive them around. I don't think that they can technically buy it. I think you need a Colorado license to buy it in the shops. But you can walk through the shop and smell it and then they'll buy it for you and then they go out and smoke it and it's like a whole tour and they're making fucking tons of money. Wow, that's interesting.

So they probably have material that they do just for the pot tours. Oh, I'm sure they're, yeah. Yeah, they probably have a bunch of corny pot jokes. But they said it's great for the economy. Everybody's making money. Oh, it's unbelievable for the economy. And that's what that fat fuck from New Jersey,

that dummy, that Governor Christie, that fucking silly cunt, he was like, it'll never be there on my watch. And he cites some unbelievably unscientific study that came out of some major university, which is really shocking. The Heritage Foundation.

I don't know what the study was, but it was about abnormalities and marijuana, the abnormalities it causes in the brain. What does that mean? Well, here's what it means. What's normal, okay? Just because something has a certain content in it or your mind reacts a certain way without a drug, with the idea that it changing, being bad,

you would have to demonstrate that there's something wrong with the people that it's changing. Like, what are you demonstrating that shows that this abnormality is in any way detrimental? What are you showing? Where are all these people that are smoking pot that are becoming shaking messes? Where are all these people that are smoking pot? Millions upon millions upon millions of people are smoking pot on a daily basis. Why is everybody, are they falling apart?

Is everyone losing their job? Are they forgetting how to drive? Are they looking at their phone going, what the fuck is this? No, this is not happening. You're not demonstrating any negative effects. You're saying the study shows a negative effect. No, it doesn't. The study shows a change. You can commission a study to say anything you want. Well, when you look at the word, the language in that study, it's not scientific at all. The language is creepy because the language says that study, it's not scientific at all. The language is creepy because the language says, in one of the quotes, I'm paraphrasing it, it was something along the lines of, you know, people that think that smoking pot even on a casual basis is fine.

This study is showing that it's not good at all. Like you can't say not good at all because you're not demonstrating not good. What you're demonstrating is change. Guess what else changes? Your fucking personality, your creativity, your compassion, sex, your sensitivity to sexual intercourse, the way food tastes in your mouth, your way you view other people, your sense of camaraderie. Your anxiety level's going down.

There's a lot of things that are going on. And these are the same people that will disagree with 98% of the scientists around the world who say there's climate change. There are hard studies with real numbers that are scientific. Well, this Chris Christie guy is fat as fuck, which is one of the worst things you could be as a person if you want

to be healthy. Shows a lack of character. It does. It shows a lack of willpower. It shows a lack of focus and determination. How do you view life? You're going around in a sloppy meat wagon. That's what you are. You're not an athlete. If you had a choice between being a person who respects their body and treats it well

or being a person that treats their body like a fucking Big Mac dumpster, what's your choice? Well, you went with Big Mac dumpster. Well, guess what? You don't get to lead because you're not a leader You don't get to decide what's healthy when you're walking around like literally you're gonna have a heart attack Yeah You know I think there was a study that showed that

People wouldn't vote for him because they'd be afraid that he would die in office of a heart attack He could die of sleep apnea for sure. He has sleep apnea when you're that fat you have sleep apnea Yeah, he probably snores like hell. I don't know if he sleeps with a seat pack machine. If he does, then he should. There's a lot of shit going on. Oh, that guy's probably got on diapers, a seat pack machine. He's got a Big Mac next to his bedside table.

There's a diaper that they're selling now. I'm Tony Taragusa. There's a lot of times with men, you get a little drippage. There's a tampon that you wear at the front of your diaper because your dick leaks. Man pond. And they're trying to sell it as like a normal thing. Yeah. Meanwhile, it's this guy with this swollen, inflated gut filled with undigested food and feces that hasn't been pushed out yet.

Yeah. Fat that permeates all the different layers of his skin and tissue. And there's not a muscle left under there. The muscles are all gone. I'm here to tell you that my dick ain't broken. I'm here to tell you my dick's leaking. Trust me. Just wear a tampon.

Keep eating them fucking meatball subs. They're delicious. Fuck. They're delicious over here with these meatballs. They got meatballs inside. They got monogout. They got good goose. They do the thing with the peppers. They got the good peppers they put on monogat. They got gouda goush. They do the thing with the peppers.

They got the good peppers they put on the top there. Sausage. Like my mother. God bless her soul. God bless her. She died of a heart attack at 51. She weighed 300 pounds. He's the guy driving that truck that beeped at me.

Yeah, yeah, fucking God got ahead of me. I got my fucking peppers here. I got my meatballs. I got my fucking peppers here. I got my meatballs. I know when I walk, the fat on my feet spills over the outside of my sneakers. I like how that looks. I like a little waterfall at the end of my heel.

Whenever I step down, it just pulls over. It just rolls over. It's nice. I like to waddle because my fucking gun's sticking out. My legs can't stay straight. I like the way the back of my head looks, the hot dog roll look. I like fat sausages that are growing out of the base of my skull. It looks like it makes you hungry for the fucking nice sausage. Yeah, and I like, look at my face.

You see a wrinkle in my face? You see any spider marks by my eyes? Fuck no, because the flesh is pushing out against the skin all the time. It's pulled tight. It makes me look young and vibrant. Look at my chins. Tight. All of them.

Tight. I had a dude who told me that that was William Shackner's. William Shackner said this to him. He said, he goes, well, he was interviewing him. William Shackner apparently is like 80 years He said, he goes, well, he was interviewing him. William Shackner apparently is like 80 years old. And he goes, you look great. And he said, well, I realized that a certain year that if I just put on five pounds a year, I never get really wrinkly because my face is like pushing fat out. Right.

And he goes, I'm serious. Right. Like apparently like it was a strategy to like to stay young looking by keeping your fake. But I don't think you're supposed to be that fat when you're 80 i think that's like super bad for you right that's just bullshit like because he's fat he just made that right right he's working backwards but it is true if you look at older fat people they look way better than fat joggers or than older joggers no i started running two years ago and i lost weight in my face and now i look like a fucking

skull i take my hat i look like a look at this when I take my head off I look like a light bulb there's no the light hits it and there's just look at I just oh my face and sunken and you liked it better when you had like a little plumpage I wasn't even plump but this is like it receded my chin looks like it's sticking out and I don't know how to put weight on in my face, you know? Once it's gone, it's gone. Yeah, that's the thing that happens with women. They get fat injections in their face because as you get older, you tend to thin

out in the face. It makes a lot of them not like the way that looks. So they get those crazy fillers, too. You see the fillers? No. Ooh, that's a regretful decision that they decided to do. It's not silicon. It's like actual tissue. I don't know what it is, man.

I mean, sometimes they do do it with fat, but they use artificial fillers on their faces. And when they use filler, it gives them this, like pull up some images, try to be kind. Find one that has a woman's face blacked out or something so we don't have to mock her. But these poor people, they go to these doctors, and they get this stuff injected in their face,

and it makes it look like someone beat them up. Like their cheeks start puffing out, and the cheek puffing out look sort of like diminishes wrinkles, and it gives this like fuller effect, but it looks so monster-like. There's a lady at my daughter's school, and she seems to be a really nice lady, but that's a bad example. That's a lady who did it at 7-like. Yeah. There's a lady at my daughter's school and she seems to be a real nice lady, but that's a bad example.

That's a lady who did it at 7-Eleven. Yeah. That's a bad, that's someone who did it badly. I always wonder, like, you know,

if you're married and you get a facelift or a boob job, you really just think, like, you're getting ready to leave your husband because he doesn't give a fuck. I bet he gives a fuck. Maybe it's

a woman's idea. Maybe it's the man's idea. You know, every situation is different, but some guys get psyched. They'll tell you, yeah, my wife got a boob job. Sam, I want to see a picture. She's got these big tits now. Want to fuck her? You want to fuck her? Come on, bro. Fuck my wife. Come on.

She had a couple of babies, but they tightened up nice. We tightened up the undercarriage. We tossed a little bit of silicone down on the taint strip. Is that like a before and after? It feels like a baby's fist. Yeah, let's not show this poor woman. That's not a good example either. Some people really get away with it.

I don't know. I have no idea if Ellen DeGeneres got work done, but she looks – can you pull up a before or after on Ellen? I don't know if she's doing exercise or taking vitamins, but whatever it is, her face looks 20 years younger than it used to. It's called having a billion dollars. Yeah. Yeah. She probably has doctors injecting fetus cells into her body on a daily basis. You have that kind of cash?

Fetus cells. She had some house that she just sold recently that was on a website that showed the house. Like, oh my God, some fucking $28 million house. Well, she bought Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston's house. They built it, and then they- Look at what she used to look like. No, that's not the- Great example, Brian. He just nailed it.

Wow, look what she used to look like. That was crazy. But the one on the right would still be the before. There's an after that shows her face much more filled out, less deep lines. You worked for her? I was there the first two years of the show. What was that like?

I won four Emmys. That's really good. Yeah. What was it like though, working there? The Emmys are heavy and they're gold. It says my name on them. You don't like to talk about it. I understand. You made a lot of money. I was on Ellen. Yeah, Brian was on Ellen. He's a superhero. Is that right? Yeah, I was dressed up as, they just grabbed people off of this park bench and they're like,

meet at this park bench. You hang out on park benches? No, no, no. I was in Burbank. They filmed me in Burbank. And I was driving and this is when Twitter first, she first got on Twitter

and she tweeted something like, hey, meet at this bench in the next five minutes dressed up as a superhero. So I was driving and I'm like, that's the bench. And while I was driving by, so just like pulled over real quick and like

tried to make something out of shit that I had my car and so I just dressed up and all blue and like blue scrubs it was my girlfriend girlfriend's like ER scrub shit and I made myself look like the blue guy from what's that movie Avatar no no dr. Manhattan yeah from the. And I even had a dick also because I had a sleeve. Where'd you get the dick? I had a sleeve. I had a sleeve and I put like a pillow in it to make it look like a dick. So I like walked out with like a fake dick.

And you got on TV. Yeah, yeah. Very creative when you consider the fact that this was all constructed based on things that he had that's laying around in his car. Right. Used condoms, Starbucks cups. It shows the level of commitment that neither you nor I would have for getting on TV. What's the payoff? There's no payoff.

He gets to meet Ellen. Yeah. Did you see the new video Rob Ford got busted smoking crack again? No! That's great! He's going to rehab now. Yeah. He got busted smoking crack.

I just love the commitment Again I love the commitment A drug dealer videotaped him There she is There she goes Dancing And then

She's talking about How I just got Twitter And then I'm sitting at this Wait why is she wearing a tie? There's She liked to wear ties I'm friends with this guy also But she's a woman

But she's a lesbian. Oh. You didn't know that? No. Big stupid dick sleeve. That's you? Yeah. I have like a back pillow on my head.

That's such a terrible superhero. That's the dumbest superhero ever. Did you actually get to meet her in person? Oh, yeah, yeah. And she gave me a bunch of presents. And we were on the whole episode. She kept on going back to us. Wow.

She does have a tie on, just like a guy. That's weird. I still have that shirt. My tweets are real. What does the shirt say? My tweets are real. Oh, that's cool. You know what was great is they did this thing for Christmas,

the 12 days of Christmas. And so they would cut, like Oprah, you get a car and you get a car. But every day for like 30 days leading up to Christmas, the 12 days of Christmas. And so they would cut like Oprah, like you get a car and you get a car. But every day for like 30 days leading up to Christmas, they gave the audience something huge. And so as a producer, we got whatever it was every day. So one, one day I'd come home with like a Dyson vacuum cleaner. The next day it was like a posturepedic mattress. You know, it was like crazy big gifts. At the time, an iPod was a big deal.

They had just come out. You got iPods one day, fucking TV set the next day. Wow, that's crazy. Yeah, there was a lot of swag. Promoting stuff on television. If you're on television and you're promoting items, think of the impact it must have to have your product on the price is right or something like that. That's what people don't understand with product placement. It's like, you know, people probably send you

shit, right? And you talk about it on your show. Yeah, definitely. I mean, think about what that's worth. You talking about something on the show. More people should send you stuff. I'm sending it out right now. There's too much stuff laying around here. There's too much stuff. But it's nice to be able to help people too. Like you find out about something that you really like.

Yeah, this dude is down in Chile and they're taking so much plastic in the ocean. And so they're taking it all. And the fishermen, a lot of it is fish nets, fishermen's nets. And they take it and they recycle it and make it into skateboards. And now they're selling them all over the country.

So the dude's going to come in. He's sending me a skateboard. Me and my son make skateboards together. So he heard about that. So he's sending me a. So the dude's going to come in. He's sending me a skateboard. Me and my son make skateboards together. So he heard about that, so he's sending me a bunch, and then he's going to come in and do the show. He's doing a tour of the U.S. selling these skateboards. So how do they extract it from the ocean? The fishermen collect it and bring it into the guy. Oh, that's a good move.

You make it worth something like cans. Right, exactly. That's actually probably the smartest move when it comes to figuring out how to do that garbage patch in the middle of the Pacific. Because if they can make it so that it's like a recyclable, like, you know, just like cans are worth X amount of dollars, if you could bring in X amount of plastic waste. Right. want to develop some sort of a... It's like here's a billion dollars worth of plastic waste just floating around the ocean. If you can figure out how to extract it, you could profit.

So they might spend millions to try to extract billions. Right, right. And it's also like how do you get people to... I think it's the iPhones. They have a covering on the face of it that's titanium or some kind of metal that's really precious. That in Africa, it's another one of these things where there's mines where people are killing each other. I think you're thinking of coltan.

Is that what it is? Yeah, it's a conductivity item, I think. It aids in conductivity. It's inside the actual phone itself. Yeah, they need a better program to recycle phones. A lot of them are getting thrown out. Yeah, no, I bet you're right, man. They also need another way to do it where they don't have to use these conflict minerals.

Yeah. There's a phone that they came out with. It was like a karma-free phone. Like that was what we called it. We started calling it the karma-free phone. But what was the name of that phone? It did come out. Well, why don't you look it up?

They should make a flip phone out of it. Well, it was a make a flip phone out of it. Well, it was... Make a flip phone. There was a phone that it came out like a year ago, but the issue about it was that it was only 3G. It wasn't 4G LTE. People are like, well, I want karma, but I want to get my email really quick.

Nobody wants to give up anything, man. It's so funny. It is funny. Yeah, I mean, we want it all. We can't take a step back. It's crazy. And I get caught up in it. I get all the latest shit.

Yeah, that's a good one, though. That's a good one because it was almost like a test for the human race. It's a great Android phone. It's very beautiful. It's a great Android phone. It's very beautiful. It's got a nice screen, but it only has 3G. What? Give me that one that they make with babies.

Isn't that amazing? Because if it was personal in your life, if somebody said, if you do X, your child will be killed, or if you do X, somebody's going to get their arm cut off by the Janjawee somewhere in the Congo, then you wouldn't do it. But somehow because it's a faraway place, we don't take the exact connection that we know about. That if you buy this product, you're supporting this. And somehow it doesn't mean anything to us.

And I'm talking about myself. No, to almost everybody. If it's not as good, you don't care. You're like, fuck it, I want the best shit. I've always had the best shit. The best shit's always what I've been reaching for. Now the best shit's here. And there's this new thing.

It's called the Fairphone. Why don't you play the video? Because they have a video on their website. Do you think that if you knew that every time you masturbated, you would lose 10 minutes from your life, do you think you would stop masturbating? Or would you do it in a controlled way? Or would you just say, fuck it? I think you'd stop masturbating or would you do it in a controlled way or would you just say fuck it

I think you'd say fuck it because your life without masturbating would be so frustrating I know it's like whatever 10 minutes you give up it's a lot of 10 minutes in a day I mean if you're a maniac and you jerk off every day 5 times a day you're going to have a real problem but if you're one of those once every few day guys

what are you giving up 30 minutes a month who gives a shit let's see this what is it saying Once every few day, guys. Yeah. What are you giving up? You're giving up 30 minutes a month? Who gives a shit? Let's see this. What is it saying? We have it. But what we don't have. A clue. About what's inside this stuff.

We don't know where it comes from. Or who made it. We know almost nothing about our stuff. That's why we started with an alternative for the thing we can't live without. Our phone. We are the people of Fairphone. Hello. Hello.

Good day. Hello. Guten Tag. Hello. And this, this is what we are building. The Fairphone. As smart as other phones, but fair. Hello! Yeah, they looked happy. happy we're already working hard on the first batch we're almost there and that's where you come in to start making them we need you to pre-order because by buying and owning this phone you can make a difference you become part of change buy a phone start a movement at fairphone.com

it sounds like a good idea however you're not getting my money before I see your fucking product. Yeah, I want it reviewed before I buy it. It's going to suck. I'm not going to Kickstarter my fucking life. You know, like your whole life depends on your phone. They're going to use the Android operating system, which is, you know, nice and established and it works and everything like that. But I need to know that it's not just a terrible horrible piece of shit before i give you they need to make a prototype and put it out to the reviewers so

they can let you know if it's worth your money yeah and you also like that's the reason why people invest in companies like you bring in investors you don't get it from why are you getting it kickstarter style for a phone that's just that's not a smart thing for a person to invest in right i mean I mean, I guess the thinking behind it might be if a corporation comes in, they're going to demand that you use those metals because they want the pricing as low as possible, and

you know, but if you... Would they definitely though? I mean, it doesn't seem like, to me, that it's impossible to find an ethical company. Right. There's companies out there that would look at what they're doing and say, this makes sense. I love it. I'm watching commercials. I'm like, I love this. It makes you feel good. I mean, I want to

buy shit that makes me feel good. I think a lot of people respond to that nowadays. I wonder if it's all conflict-free, too. I wonder if they use coltan. I wonder, you know, it said titanium and aluminum conflict-free, right? That's what it said? Well, even if it's a step in the right direction, it's worth it.

Yeah. Well, it's nice that people are thinking that way. And they also realize that there's a market for it. That's the other thing that's nice. Well, that's what blew people away with the Prius. They had no idea it would be as successful as it was. People felt good buying it. I drive one, and I hate it.

I want a Mustang. I'll let you drive my car when we leave. Yeah? Yeah, we'll drive around the neighborhood. Go really fast. After this? Yes. Yes.

It'll change your life. Is it going to be awkward if I get an erection while we're driving together? No, no, no. It'll be fine. Just don't beat off on my dashboard. Joe will take care of that erection. Yeah, I'll just handle it for you. You're my friend.

This is going to be a good ride. I had a buddy who jerked his dog off. What? Jerked his dog off with his foot. Why? And I go, why? He goes, because he needs relief. Is this going to be a good ride? I had a buddy who jerked his dog off. Jerked his dog off with his foot. And I go, why? He goes, because he needs relief. So the dog would lie on its back and he would put his foot on the dog's dick and go like this on the dog's dick and the dog would squirt all over his stomach.

You don't talk to this friend anymore, I hope. No. Well, you know what's amazing about that is it's illegal, even though the dog, like my dog, every time I pet my dog, he tries to put his dick in my hand. So who's the victim? Who's the victim in the crime? Is it illegal to jerk your dog off?

Fuck yeah. Are you serious? It's okay to finger, but you can't jerk a dog. Shut up. Which means, I was thinking about this, it means that if there's a law against jerking off your dog, that means that some congressman stood on the floor and said he proposed a bill saying you can't jerk

off your dog. And every other congressman looked at him and went, this guy's jerking off his dog. Yeah, this guy's angry. He's angry at his own instincts. It's the only way he thinks he can stop is if there's a law against it. Crazy son of a bitch. What are you trying to pull? Did you hear about that fucking KKK guy who, I think he's one of the ones that just shot up a school recently? It turned out that they had busted him years back with a male prostitute, a black male prostitute. Wow.

And he's like this anti-gay KKK cat. Probably all about family. Because the KKK is all about family. They'll tell you. There's just so many people that are like that. Just angry at it because it's in their system and they're just fighting it. They're fighting off the gay

or they're fighting off the wanting to fuck dogs. Right. There he is. Oh, man. KKK accused killer previously busted with black male prostitute grand dragon he killed three people outside a jewish center in kansas and they their turnouts did not even be jewish so he failed on three counts number one he didn't even kill the people he's supposed to hate number two he's fucking he's not he could have been a hero if

he'd shot real jewish people but then he could have been a hero if he'd shot real Jewish people. But then he would have been rejected because then all his brothers at the KKK know that he was fucking a black male prostitute. Well,

now they know. But he's going to say that that's just propaganda. That's what it is. The government. Gay star news. I know. I was going to say,

this is the best website ever. Whatever. Gay star news. You should do a segment on your show where every episode you check in on the top stories on Gaystar News. I'm for it. It's pretty smart. It's a way to go.

I always thought that that would be funny on a podcast, to find some really obscure, specific website and just check on it every week, like tulipgrowers.com. We'd have to be careful with what you promote, though. Because if gaystarnews.com turned out to be propaganda like the onion for gay news, turned out to be satire

and mean satire. Yeah. There's so many of these fake news websites. I hate it. There's that Joe Rogan one that got banned from UFC because you failed your drug test that's going around right now that everyone thinks is real. Yeah, like, there's that Joe Rogan one that got banned from the UFC because you failed

your drug test that's going around right now that everyone thinks is real. Yeah, everyone thinks it's real. So much so that a friend of mine sent me a text saying how much it was bullshit, like, this is crazy, they're out of their mind. I'm glad the guy came up with that idea, got fired, like, oh, Christ. What is it? There's a website that made a parody thing saying that I got drug tested at the UFC and I failed my drug test. So they suspended me.

Oh, no shit. And then they fired the guy who came up with the idea to drug test me. He's now fired. Like the whole thing is so stupid. It's all fake. Someone just made it up. But it's not even funny. It's like that's the thing that people are doing these days.

They just make up stories. Like The Onion will make something up, but it would be so ridiculous that it's funny. Yeah. But these guys aren't doing that. They're just make up stories like the onion will make something up but it would be so ridiculous that it's funny yeah but these these guys aren't doing that they're just making up stories it's like creating a rumor yeah they call themselves a parody website but most people don't realize it's a parody website so even if it says in a disclaimer you know everything on this site is full of shit even it says that you don't read that you read the fucking story because you get a link to the story so you click on the link you go to it, oh my god, I can't believe they would do this. You send it to a million other people. They send it to a million other people. You read it on your phone.

And you're never getting the context of it. You're never seeing the disclaimer. Even if somebody Googles Joe Rogan and UFC, that might lead them to that. Right to the article. Probably been seen by hundreds of thousands of people already. Jesus Christ. And passed on. I mean, it hit me on Twitter who knows how many times. Did it make it into the mainstream press in any way? No, no, no, no.

It's pretty obvious. I mean, they have been duped before where people didn't do their due diligence. But I think the mainstream press is a little bit more aware of that now. So they'll go and look at the source and then say, oh, look, this is a parody site. People look for a parody site right away now. CNN's been duped. It seems like weekly they get fucking caught on something. I remember with the Boston bombing,

remember they pointed out a suspect who was not a suspect and people surrounded his house and his name is probably still shit because people won't even forget. They'll forget that it wasn't right. You remember that guy, the Atlanta bomber? Right.

The Olympic bomber? Yeah. Guy didn't do anything, and they accused him of it. He was a security guard. Life was ruined. They fucking ruined him. Ruined him. And the amount of stress that guy got because of that, the hate that guy got because of

that, must have been unbearable. Everywhere you go, people think you're a terrorist. You're getting death threats on a regular basis. Some dude is in his car right now loading up his gun, driving from Louisiana to your house because he wants to defend America. Right. He knows where it is. I know where that motherfucker lives. It's time to rock and roll.

He fucking gets in his car and starts driving to you because of CNN. What's he listening to on the radio? Radio Love. I'm driving. He wheels wet on the wheel kevin meanie right after 9-11 he was the airport in san francisco with his wife and kid and like his daughter ran through airport security and she was young she was like three and he went to go get her and the police grabbed him and he struggled and he got arrested and it got into the press that he was. And you got to remember how sensitive this was. It got you know, they wrote it that he was like fucking with airport security and he got blown up.

It was fucking brutal. It was all all over the news. Yeah, I remember that. I remember that now that you bring it up. Yeah, that was crazy. The airport security can get really wacky. Yeah. With the rules and, you know, the not understanding that it's a fucking three-year-old.

Right. This is the most ridiculous thing ever. Like, you're going to try... A person with a three-year-old is not going to be a terrorist, you dipshit. Right. The average person with a three-year-old... And the three-year-old's saying, Daddy? Is that Daddy?

Yeah. Relax. Right. Relax. Let the guy go back through. Everything's going to be fine. Yeah. Shit.

Well, it's, you know, it's getting to the point where there's, you got to have some profiling. I mean, that's why El Al, the Israeli airlines, never had a terrorist strike. Because why don't we follow their methods, which is take a look at situations like that and put it lower on the priorities. And then take people like yourself with a shaved head. It's kind of bulky. You've got that look in your eye. And swat you down. Profile me.

Get a cavity search going. I think it's the same thing that leads people to shoot dogs. It's just an abuse of power situation. It's the same thing where they know they can get away with it, so they do it. And they're frustrated. And that role. Just look at that. They're patting.

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? Oh, shit. Oh, my God. They're patting down these little kids. That kid's like two. They're kidding me? Oh shit. Oh my god. They're patting down these little kids. That kid's like two. They're combing through the hair. Look, they're looking in the hair.

Oh my god. That's not real. It's totally real. It's 100% real. They do do that sometimes. They're grabbing her ass. Yeah, they have to make sure it's a real ass. It could be a bomb.

Holy shit. Yeah. Look at that. They're touching every part of her leg. Are they Middle Eastern? Is that why they're doing it? Who knows? They look kind of Middle Eastern. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Wow. Look at that. They're touching every part of their leg. Are they Middle Eastern? Is that why they're doing it? Who knows?

They look kind of Middle Eastern. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. People are crazy. People are fucking crazy. And I'm glad people make videos of this. Yeah, that parent supposedly did this, filmed it, of these two kids. But this is going on forever.

Yep. I've never been patted down like this. Yeah, me neither. It's so stupid. Shut it off, man. It's making me sick. Usually they just grab. They don't grab your dick, but they touch you, and then they just graze the side of your penis on the front of your leg.

To make sure it's not a bullet. You think my penis looks like a bullet? Like a missile. Oh, like a missile. Right, right, right, right. Not a little bullet. No. Not like that.

No. Like a fucking sausage. Like a fucking kid. He's right, right, right. Not a little bullet. No. Like that. No. Like a fucking sausage. Like a fucking kid. He's packing enough for the feast. San Gennaro, you know, we go down a little Italy, we get the fucking sausage. Get the sausage. They put the peppers. You know, they got the Mona Gish.

And they put it. The bread they use is like a mama used to make with the yeast infection back on Mulberry Street. Oh, no. You went with yeast infection? Yeah. Do you remember that fucking festival? San Gennaro? It was on my block.

I lived on Mulberry Street. That's right. People pissing in my lobby. I was like, I can't believe this crazy asshole lives here. Right. You lived in the heart of Little Italy. Right. Between Prince and Spring on a five-story walk-up.

Why did you choose to live there? What was that about? Well, you remember Paul Lyons, comedian Paul Lyons? No. He's this guy who had an opening. I was moving to New York, and he said, I can sublet my unit. And I moved in there for three months,

and I fell in love with the neighborhood. It was all like, you know, everyone knew each other, and everybody was a character, and I met a couple nice people in the building. So a place opened up next door and it was uh it was a one bedroom connected to a studio and they'd illegally popped out the door in between and raised a family there for like 40 years and it was Tony and Gladys Ragu and so they uh and they and I I met them and they were they had a place around the corner.

Their son, Tony, who works in construction, he lives in Staten Island now, a nice house, he bought them a condo around the corner because they were too old to climb up those steps anymore. So they're going to sublet it to me, and I mean, they sublet like $400 for this unit. Wow. And they were paying like $200, it was rent controlled. $200. Maybe I was paying like $200. It was rent controlled. $200. Maybe I was paying like $600. And every month I'd walk around the corner and I had to pay them in cash. But I'd go around and first they'd make me a cappuccino that had cannolis

and I would give them $400 in cash. And then when Tony would leave the room, I'd give Gladys the other $200 on the side. That's my bingo money. Tony doesn't need to know about that. No way. And when I first moved in. So there was two different prices. There's two different prices.

There was a little kickback. And then the place was literally one door over and upstairs from the, what was the club that Gotti belonged to? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where he was arrested. Yeah. And so. Social club. What do they call it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where he was arrested. Yeah. And so. Social club. What do they call it?

Yeah, it was the. Shit. But Tony says to me, anything ever happens to you, you tell me. Because, you know, I know people. I'm not going to say who I know. But I think you know who I knew. And so I open up. They left their furniture.

And it was all, like, literally the plastic on the couch it was uh everything had like uh formica on it and the end table had uh an eavesdropping device on the phone and it had bullet casings whoa and it was like everything was just really fucking weird. It was the Ravenite. The Ravenite Social Club, exactly. Apparently, they were there. The associates frequented by John Gotti and his associates in the late 1970s and 1980s. Yeah.

Around 1990, Federal Bureau of Investigation was able to infiltrate the mafia using secret electronic surveillance. You know what they did? They couldn't bug the place. They bugged the place itself and then they found it. So what they started doing was Gotti and his boys would walk up and down Mulberry Street and have conversations. So what the FBI did was they started parking cars on Mulberry Street and putting eavesdropping devices

in the hubcaps of the cars. So they would pick it up as they were moving. They would grab the conversation, and that's how they actually put them away. Wow. Yeah. Wow. That's fascinating.

And every shop on the street, there was pictures of Gotti up. They fucking loved this guy. And then at the time, there was this one dude who was up on charges, so he was trying to get an insanity police, so he'd walk around the neighborhood in pajamas. Vincent the Chin Gajanti. Was that his name? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, he, not only did they do that, but when they would talk about him, they would just point to their chin. They would go, you know, it's probably a good idea, but you know, he's, you gotta know about it. Oh, shit. Yeah. They would point to the chin, and then they would know who they were talking about it.

Wow. And he didn't allow anybody to use his name, and he would pretend to be crazy. Yeah. So he'd walk around, shuffle. I don't think it worked. I think we're talking about him right now, so... Fucking we know. We're pretty far on the outside. Well, the, uh, and then there was

this woman named Gina, and she had these three dogs, and she'd walk around, I mean literally did laps of the neighborhood, just walking around and she ran the numbers. And if you wanted to bet on the numbers, you'd give her, you'd give her money. And then, you know how they picked the numbers is the last three numbers of the purse at Aqueduct the day before. Those were the three numbers. Wow. And whatever it was, they paid out on it. And she was all cash and she would go, there was the shark bar on the corner. And, it was, they paid out on it. And she was all cash, and she would go. There was the shark bar on the corner, and that was, like, the main place she hung out.

But, I mean, just walking, and people walking up to her, shaking her hand, giving her, like, a dollar. Like, here's a dollar on 387. Wow. Yeah. My grandmother used to do that. Did she? My grandmother went to jail for six months. What?

Because she was running numbers, and they wanted her to rat out the mob. She wouldn't do? Because she was running numbers and they wanted her to rat out the mob. She wouldn't do it. She was running the numbers. She was selling them. I mean, she was moving them around. She was doing it for the mob, but you know how it works. Oh, shit. They'll have someone go and place bets and talk to this, and Marjorie wants

50 on that, and Gina thinks that this is her numbers, and she would collect the numbers. Right, right. And then she'd bring them the whole, you know, she wasn't like making a ton of money off of it. Right. But they wanted her to roll over.

To your grandmother? Yeah. So my grandmother went to jail for six months. That's hilarious. Did you know she was in jail? Not until later. I was, not until I was like a teenager. Yeah.

I thought that she just was visiting her aunt. I was like, where's grandma? Oh, grandma's with Aunt Mary. That was always the story. For six months, she was in the pokey. She would knit fucking sweaters for the guards and shit. They just kept her in jail. Wow. That's hilarious.

Pretty hardcore. You never talked to her about it? No, she would have never admitted to me anyway. My grandmother wore a wig, and she was crazy. She was always psychic. There was always a ghost nearby. There was a lot of... Oh, she was nuts. Yeah.

She was a really eccentric woman. That's a fun grandma to have, though, isn't it, when you're a kid? She had a monkey. She did? She had a monkey named Chi-Chi that used to live in the attic, and he would bite people. What? Yeah. Chi-Chi would chew gum.

He'd give Chi-Chi a stick of gum. He'd open up the gum, take it out of the wrapper, put it in his mouth, chew it, and look at you all fucking crazy. Scream if kids came near him. He would start screaming and climb on her. Yeah, she had a monkey. My fucking grandfather hated that monkey. Oh my God.

He must have loved visiting her. Oh, it was fascinating, but it was the main reason why I was averse to relationships. That and my own parents' relationship, which was horrific when I was a little kid. My real dad and my stepdad is a great guy, and he's been with me since I was like seven years old. He's a sweetheart. Like, he's never hit my mom once. But the fights that my mom and my dad got into before my mom left when I was little, I was like five years old. We're horrific. And I remember violence and screaming. It was really, really hard to, like, ever think about wanting to be in a relationship

because of that. And then my grandparents would scream at each other. My grandparents wasn't violent, but my grandmother would. They were both named Joe. It was Josephine, and my grandfather was Joseph. Giuseppe. But, you know, in Italy, they would call him that. In Americaine and my grandfather was Joseph. Giuseppe. But, you know, in Italy they would call him that. In America they'd call him Joseph.

But they would fucking scream at each other. Scream. Don't rush me, Joe! Because my grandmother was late for everything. He would have to tell her that something was at 2 o'clock if it was at 6. Like this bitch was just late. She was always, she wanted to put her wig on again. This wig doesn't work.

I need another wig. And she put another wig on. It was just craziness. She was always, she wanted to put her wig on again. This wig doesn't work. I need another wig. And she put another wig on. It was just craziness. She was always putting food together. She was a killer cook. So she'd always make homemade pasta. And she would, like, say we all had a meet somewhere. My grandmother was just not going to be ready on time.

If there was a family gathering and everybody was meeting at 6 o'clock, my grandfather would be all frazzled and they would be screaming at each other. So all I would ever – I would associate relationships with screaming at each other and possibly hitting each other. That's what I saw. So I was like, fuck all that. Before 7, I mean, you know this with kids. I mean, your kids are getting to that age where it's like the learning happens in the first, like Erickson, you know, Freud, they all say the learning happens in the first five, six years.

After that, you're just corralling them. There's a little bit of that. I mean, you're certainly changing the way they interact with people. You shape it. And I don't totally buy it. I think there's a lot of times that's when people stop paying attention. They have them for a first couple of years. They do that.

And then they think, well, the kid can walk. The kid can talk. And they sort of just let them walk and talk. And, well, most of their learning is done within the first couple of years. I don't think you could say that because I've learned and grown as an adult. Yeah, but you're an exception. I don't know about that. No, you really are.

I mean, I've said this before on the show. I've known you, I feel like, before and after. Not that before was bad but your energy changed so dramatically and i think you're um part of it is we were young so we were so hungry to make it that we were just you know competitive and fucking the anger was working in a good way but then you you changed and that's rare a lot of a lot of people don't change most people don't change at all well Well, I came from a crazy competitive, the world of martial arts competition. Growing up doing that, like forming my personality through high school, competing in martial arts tournaments, full contact taekwondo tournaments.

It was just too violent and crazy. The idea of that being what shapes your life and then trying to interject yourself into normal society. You're always on hair trigger. You're always ready to smash things. You're always ready to fight. It's a really weird way to develop as a human being. So it took me a long time to calm that down. to calm that down. Yeah, because if you were raised with that kind of anger and that kind of physical violence,

then the martial arts was actually taking that and putting more focus on it and developing it as opposed to developing other facets of your personality. Sort of. It certainly controlled it, though, too, in a way better way than just being angry, wandering through the street. Like training and discipline and focus.

The character development of martial arts had a huge impact on just me moving out of where I was when I was a young boy to moving where I was as a young man. So even though I might have been more prone to having violent tendencies because of my background, it was way more in control because of martial arts right way more in control but it's just it wasn't just martial arts it was competing just the the hardcore competition of national tournaments was just it's really fucked with you it fucks with your brain too it wires your brain in a very strange way because it would be prepare for a tournament be terrified fight be relieved for a little while a little while and then okay when's the next one and then start terror being terrified again right right start the stress again start the training again you know you can't slack off can't can't

get injured you gotta you know it was just it was so much of it was like so much more stressful than just regular life but in a, it made you engage. I mean, I think kids that come from a childhood like yours have two options. It's fight or flight. You either get into drugs and fucking up and rejecting everything socially, or you can focus, hyper focus in on something, which in a sense made you show up for life. It made you engage. Yeah, it makes it lets you control that thing inside of you too. You figure out how to discipline it because if you don't, those crazy wild emotions, like a lot of people that engage in violent crime and violent activities and make

horrible mistakes socially, a lot of that is this overwhelming response, this overwhelming energy that you've developed from just being raised in a terrible environment. And my environment was nothing compared to a lot of people's. I mean, my, my environment up until I was five was pretty violent with my mom and my dad, but nobody hit me. You know, I was okay. It was, it could have been way worse. We, we always had food, you know, and then we got to live with my grandfather and my grandmother when I was five. So I got to see that my mother was a strong woman and she set a positive example. When someone's abusing you, you don't just take it.

You get out. It's the first time I ever saw. She protected you and that's huge. I think one of the most difficult things with domestic abuse is to see that your mother is not fighting back and you see that you become a victim yourself. Yes. And that you feel like also you're a vulnerable human being and that you need a victim yourself. Yes. And that you feel like also you're a vulnerable human being that you need to be protected. That's the number one thing a parent is doing.

And when you feel like you're not being protected, your world is fucking chaos. Well, not only that, it was important to me, I think, to see that my mother stood up for herself and that she realized that this is no way to live life. And no matter what a person tells you, if they tell you they love you and they hit you, this is not love.

You got to get out of there. And so it made sense that we left. Like, I never felt bad that we left my dad. I felt weird that they weren't together anymore, but I never felt like my mom did the wrong thing. I knew she did the right thing. Really? Yeah.

It was no doubt about it. Even at five, I knew we had to get away from him. That's really weird because most kids there's, you know, that, that relationship of your parents being together is, it's life itself. It is sustenance, it's food, it's protection that their units staying together. So for you to feel otherwise is that's very rare. It was pretty obvious, man. When you see your dad hit your mother. Yeah. When you see, and I remember just, I remember what the sheets looked like on the bed.

I remember the layout of the house. I was five. I remember the path that I ran to get out of the kitchen when he hit her. I remember all that shit. My mother brought home hamburger, and she went out to get something for dinner. And my dad got upset that it was just hamburger. So he slapped her in the face, just whacked her in the face and she dropped and I ran and you know, I was probably around five, somewhere between four and five, I guess. And it just, it stained my brain. Like, I'll never forget it. Because sometimes if you see a conflict and you walk in while the conflict is happening, you don't know what happened. You just see violence.

You don't know why someone's hitting someone. It's very confusing. But when you see it from the beginning, there was no room for rationalization. It wasn't like my mother tried to stab him and then he slapped her. There was nothing. It was just my mom came home, she had hamburger, he hit her, he's evil.

It was like immediate. He's evil, he's an animal. All I could think of as a little kid was, wow, my dad's a piece of shit. Yeah. And that all these ideas that you have about,

every kid wants to think that his dad is the greatest, like his dad's Superman, his dad is the most righteous and the smartest and coolest. But I knew my dad was a piece of shit. Because my mom was a sweetheart.

My mom is, because of the fact I think that my grandparents screamed at each other all the time. They yelled constantly. My mom rejected that. Wholeheartedly. She never screams. I don't think I've seen my mom scream in her entire life in the 60 plus years I've known her, that she's rather been alive in the 46 that I've known her.

But she also engaged with you. Yeah, she's a great mom. Wow. She's a nice person. She's a kind, nice person. Well, they say no matter how bad your childhood is if your mother is strong and you have a connection with her you're you're going to be okay uh it i think it certainly uh is way better than not having that for sure but i think that not having a relationship with your father

or having a terrible one can really fuck a guy up you know i know a lot of men that are grown men that will you know still complain about the relationship that they have with their father, about their father did this and he didn't encourage me, did that. And at a certain point in time, it's like, you got to let all that shit go. You got to move past that. And it's hard to move past that if that guy's still in your life. I have a friend who has a bad relationship with his dad and and his dad's insulting, and his dad blames him for his own childhood, and they have these crazy flare-ups, and then he'll cut them off and won't talk to him anymore, and then his dad will send him a long email

apologizing, and then he'll let him back in. Yeah, and nothing's changing. The father's staying the same, so it's really about your— it's always at your weakest point that you let him back in again. Yeah, I mean, there was a divorce at an early age, and they would split time between the dad and the mom. And it's hard because my advice is cut him off. He's cancer. Fuck him.

Change your number. Move. Don't let him know. Just get that dude out of your life. You don't need that idiot. He's 60 fucking years old, and he's still stupid. He's still some dumb asshole that ruins everything. Just move on, man.

Yeah, and that hitting is not coming from a place, like you said, you saw your mother did nothing. And so you realize that anytime somebody is hitting a child or a spouse, it's their own anger. Something's happening in their life that they're out of control and they're venting it. It's not, like, especially hitting a kid. Some people, well, kids, I love when comics talk about that. Like, when I was a kid, there was no timeouts. There was a fucking smack and it worked. There was a knockout.

There was a knockout. And it was like, yeah, and that was really fucked up. Don't be nostalgic about child abuse. It meant that the dad didn't know what the fuck he was doing and he was letting off steam. It's effective. It definitely puts you in line, but it also ruins you. Right. It fucks your head up.

The idea that that's a beneficial thing is so stupid. Right. It's never good to hit kids. Nope. You know, but, you know, the nostalgia for shitty parenting, the way their parents were raised, people got to get past that. You got to get past all that. That's the number one problem with humans today is they're raised poorly the human body and mind together as a cohesive unit is like the most complicated piece of machinery in the world and developing it

is free anybody can do it there's no one can tell you how to do it and it's the most important resource in our entire society is new human beings nice human beings and they're all being developed by fucking idiots shitheads and idiots responsible for a great percentage of the world's population like as far as like how many they're shitting out and there there is there's no training no training like you know they would tell me parenthood with uh keanu reeves where he said like, what was the famous line about? Like, uh,

any asshole can, uh, if you want to get a fishing license, you have to take a test, but any asshole can have a kid. And it's like, it really is amazing that there is not more, uh,

and they're starting to see more and more of that. I just did this benefit for this amazing place in Cleveland called the, um, fuck off. I'll think of it. But they take families in when they're in crisis. If the mother feels like she's going to be—she's hit her kid, she doesn't want to hit him again. They're about to get thrown out because they don't have rent money. Providence House. They come in and they can house the kids for two, three months.

It's sort of a buffer before you go into like a homeless shelter. And they give coaching to the parents. Here's how you deal with it when you're freaking out and you think you're going to hit your kid. Here's some substance abuse problems. Here's parenting classes. And at the same time, the kids are being taken care of and they're being given tools. And it's amazing. I know you're starting to see more and more of these kind of stopgap agencies coming up that can get in there where there's a problem and reformat the hard drives so that parents are getting what they should have gotten when they were younger, which is an instruction manual. And even as they're older, it's like the amount of time that we spend doing things that are important like food and exercise and and making money and having a career those are all important things right we

spend a tremendous amount of time doing those but managing your mind and understanding how your mind works and understanding the bad patterns that your brain can get into and giving yourself tools, whether it's meditation, whether it's yoga. Self-help books can be profound. Sure. Without a doubt. Without a doubt. But time and focus on improving the quality of your thinking, improving the quality of the way you interact, the relationships that you have with other human beings, time spent on that's so under emphasized right right and it should be a core part of what it means to be a part of a civilization yeah we should have community groups where we meet together and we all like exchange ideas and re-emphasize the idea that it's important

to have community re-emphasize the idea that it's important to treat each other well to the kids to treat each other well that all this should be passed down, that those aren't enemies out there in the street. Those are all your friends. We're all in this together. Right. And a big problem is that we no longer have communities. I mean, you talk about Italy. And, you know, I just read this piece about these people that live really long in this small village in Italy.

And it's not just the diet. It's the fact that there's, you know, 200 people in the village and every day you walk to your job and you stop along the way and you talk to, you know, Mrs. Margatia, what's going on with your husband? And there's this interconnection that makes people feel. And like you said, things get in perspective. You know, the balance of your life is there. And when you lose that and you move to cities, I mean, look at us. We live on the other coast from our family. And the people, I don't know the people in my neighborhood. And it's just like, who the fuck am I? And so it's like you do have to create. You have to, like, let's go to dinner.

There's mommy and me groups where mommies and their kids. That was a really great experience for my wife having that. But creating what we're lacking now which is the groups of people communicating and supporting without a doubt it's one of the most important things as a human being to have to be like a lone wolf every lone wolf i've met is a dick those guys are all dicks right like that was always like the thing that everybody wanted the guy could just get on his motorcycle and ride across the country by himself didn't need anybody drive off into the sunset how does clelboro. How does Clint Eastwood

not have a hundred friends? Like, what's going on? Why is this guy just hopping on a horse, showing up in town, shooting everybody? Because he's an asshole. His fucking lone rider

is a dickhead. Right, right. He's 40 years old. Where's his friends? Right. The fuck's going on? Yeah, his horse is out front. He sits down,

orders a shot of whiskey, flicks a nickel on the bar, fucks a whore, and leaves again. What an asshole! A nickel? A fucking nickel for a glass of whiskey? And you just dumped a hot load on that whore? She's going to have a baby?

Why are you riding a horse across the country? It's 2014! Where the fuck are your friends, man? What do you got a flip phone for? You got to get in touch with people, man. That's a fun thing that we always romanticize, the lone wolf. Right. Those guys are almost always idiots.

It's the Marlboro man. Look at him smoking. Those guys all died. Every one of those guys in the ads died of lung cancer. They died bad. They died a bad way. It's an awful way to die. Smoking is a way of saying, stay away from me.

I'm blowing a fucking stinky cloud around my face. My breath is shit. My teeth are brown. Attell smokes two packs a day. Oh, that's unbelievable. Two packs. Yep. That's a lot.

Stand-up's probably close. My dad smoked three and a half packs a day. Dropped dead at 51 of a heart attack from it. Boom. Wow. Three and a half packs a day. Three and a half packs a day. Dropped dead at 51 of a heart attack from it. Boom. Wow. Three and a half packs a day. Three and a half packs. He used to get up in the morning.

That's like one every seven minutes or something, isn't it? Yeah, that's what I figured out. It's about five, seven minutes. He would light a cigarette and smoke it on the edge of his bed, throw it in the toilet, because I would always remember, and he wouldn't flush it. I'd come down, and there would be yellow water, and there would be a cigarette

just, you know, floating in that. Then he would light another one. He'd put it on the basin of the shower, get in the shower, halfway through, lean out, take a couple drags, the cigarette. Yeah. And he was in radio. He would just sit there.

Just when you were a kid? Yeah. And I had asthma as a kid. My mother smoked a pack a day. And this is New York. Our windows are closed most of the year because it's cold. And they would just chain smoke. Driving in the car, chain smoking. With you in the house.

Right, right. It's amazing you don't smoke. I did smoke for, you know, typical teenager, early 20s. And then I had asthma. It would give me fucking asthma. That's crazy that they would, like, leave you in the house with all their smoke. Right. There's no way it gets out.

It's just you would smoke. You were smoking when you were a little kid. Right, right. Whether you recognize it or not, you were a smoker. Right. Wow. And I remember we used to have to change the carpets and the couch every once in a while because it would stink from all the smoke being.

Oh, my God. Mom's a chain smoker. Dad's a chain smoker. Right. And the kids are just suffering, and they don't even care. Right. They're not even paying attention to the fact they're blowing smoke on their babies. Right.

Taking the kid to the doctor's office once a week to get shots for his asthma. Oh, my God. No connection there whatsoever. That's so crazy. It was nuts. That makes me sad. That's why I try to watch Mad Men, but I get so bummed out with all the smoking. It starts to really bother me.

Wow. What a fucking amazing trick they pulled on the American people, or people in general. Get them to poison themselves. Make it acceptable to not just poison themselves, but poison themselves in a way where your babies get exposed to your ignorance. We didn't know it was bad for you. A lit flame that you're inhaling. Get the fuck out of here. You're smoking cools.

You didn't know it was bad for you? Right. My mommy smoked cools. Is she black? No, no. She's Italian, though. A Santa Maria. Talk about marketing.

Look at how many black people smoke Kools. White people. It's like you can pick a race, and I can tell you what fucking cigarette they smoke. Some Italians smoke Kools in the 70s. Yeah, my mom smoked Kools in the 70s. You lived in the city, though, right? Newark. Yeah, that's why she smoked Kools.

There was probably a lot of people around you smoking Kools. Well, it was a confused neighborhood, man. When it was, uh, when my grandparents, my grandparents moved to this place called North ninth street in Newark, New Jersey, which this day is more of like a South American or maybe Dominicans and some, some other, uh, Spanish speaking people. But when they first moved there, it was all Italians. It was an Italian neighborhood. The Italian immigrants would come in. My grandparents came in from Italy when they were children. Their grandparents were full-grown.

They took their family, brought them over to Italy. So both my grandmother and my grandfather were both born in Italy on my mom's side. And so they come over to America. They all move to this North 9th Street neighborhood. They have a family. And then when my mom and her brothers were young, they did a thing called blockbusting. And that's how they got people to move out of neighborhoods. Real estate people to generate sales would sell a house to a black man. Right, right, right. And then tell everybody, hey, the blacks are moving

in. Property values are going to go down. You better sell. Sell now. So people would sell in a panic. But my grandfather was like, I like black people. Get the fuck off my lawn. Give me some cools. He kicked them out of there. My grandfather was like, that's one thing. You know, you think of old Italian peoples being racist. My grandfather, I never saw him ever say a racist thing in his life, ever.

His next door neighbor was black. There's a black family that lived next door all throughout my childhood childhood this kid i would play with him i'd go next door and play with him was this uh this black family that moved next door and my grandfather and the the guy who lived next door they would hang over the fence you know the guys would like sit on the fence they would like hang their arms over so what's going on with bobby how's he doing no bobby's in school like it was like they would have this bond. So racism to me was completely alien because of my grandparents. It's actually very empowering for a child to see their parents interact with different races because you're getting different.

That child is seeing other messages out there that are racist. And when you see your parent have a relationship, it really makes you feel like, wow, life isn't bad. It can be, you know, this is. Well, there was a really poor neighborhood, but my grandparents' neighbors were very friendly and they got along great. But the neighbor on the other side was a crack dealer. And he was a kid when I met him. He was just a young kid.

We were around the same age. Black kid? Yeah. And then when I went back, they didn't live there anymore. Or did they, they did live there, but anyway,

the kid next door was selling crack. This was when I was like maybe in my 20s. I came back to stay with my grandfather for a while. When I first moved from Boston, New York,

and they battering rammed his door. And they fucking broke his door down like right when I was moving in, they, they, they broke this kid's door down and arrested me in an Audi in the driveway.

So the neighborhood changed radically. It went from being all Italian to a black and a few Italians that held out like my grandparents. And then there was like this bakery that was down the corner that had been there since like 1920 that was all Italian. And then, you know, my grandparents would walk to the bakery and get their bread every day. But then they sold, the black folks sold and left too. And then it became like Dominicans and Puerto Ricans.

It's like sort of like in a lot of countries you have waves of immigrants. Yeah, the Dominicans have been the, they're the, not the most recent wave. I, now you got Eastern Europeans coming in, but I mean the, the, when the Dominicans came in, man, they fucking came in. You talk about like I was born in the Bronx in this neighborhood called Throg's Neck. I lived there until I was like five and that's where my mom grew up. That's where my, my wife's mother went to the same high school as my mom. Wow. St. Helena's in the Bronx.

And it was a pocket of solidly Irish people and Italians. And to this day, you walk through that neighborhood, it's all Irish, Italian, still. Still. And some Dominicans. Wow. They got in there. But it's like it didn't change. It still got like you go to the meat store.

You go to the meat store you go to the uh you know the cheese shop it's all you know there's ice cream parlor from way back when it's all it's like fucking europe that's what for people don't understand like like spike lee was trying to fight against gentrification in brooklyn you know he was talking about how it's so crazy that you know they they all these people move, and then they make these rents expensive, and the people that have lived there for years and years can't live there anymore. Right. And the way he's talking about it, people are like, well, do you live there anymore? And he was like, well, I can't live there anymore. Because I did, but people kept ringing my doorbell.

They knew where Spike Lee lived. He lived in a normal place. They just ring his doorbell. Yo, Spike! And he goes, my wife made me leave. Like, you could tell when he was saying that it was true. He goes, but I still have love for that city. But that city's like, those cities, especially like Brooklyn, there's areas of Brooklyn,

they're just moving people in and it becomes trendy to live in this once quaint neighborhood. And then the real estate just doubles and changes. Well, Venice, right? I've got a house in Venice the last 13 years, and when we moved in, it was like, 10 years earlier it was the number one homicide place in the country. It was all gangs. And then they got the gangs out, and they're

cute houses. Not big, but, you know, craftsman-style houses, but all walk streets. So you got a, you know, a sidewalk with a house on either side. Like Callan used to live there. Right! Exactly. So, you know that neighborhood a house on either side. Like Callan used to live there. Right. Yeah. Exactly. So you know that neighborhood.

It's fucking beautiful. Great neighborhood. And so all of a sudden, though, it's getting to the point where my buddy was renting an apartment three doors down from me. And this is a guy who I lived next door to. And when I was talking about neighbors, I was friends with on Mulberry Street.

This guy, gay guy, I became really good friends with. He moved out to Venice. So we bought a house three doors down from him. One of my best friends, he's got to move. They're fucking tearing down his apartment. They're putting up like luxury duplexes. And he's like, I can't afford to live in this neighborhood. He doesn't make any money.

So he's like, I got to move back to New York. Wow. Callan sold his place just when they turned, the neighborhood turned because Google opened up an office there. So as Google was setting up shop there, a bunch of people started looking for places to buy, like executives and stuff, and Calendly had a really cool place. And he made this insane profit. He was like, just when

I put it on the market, that's when the property values went crazy. But it's still going up. I get offers all the time. I get unsolicited offers on my house for like two and a half times what I paid for the house. Wow. But you're hanging on to it. Good for you.

Because it's got – I think we're going to retire in that house someday. But the front – we outgrew it. There's a front house with like a big bonus house in the back. But it's got a two-bedroom apartment above that and a studio next to it. So we rent out three units in the house. And that's going to put the kids through college. And then we're going to live in it when they move out. That's a good idea.

That's a good move. That community, like, I have an affinity for beach communities. Yeah. I think there's something about living near the ocean that has this sort of unspoken mellowness to it that just comes from being next to something so humbling. Right. You can't, like, think you're really important or you're the shit or life is so powerful and meaningful when you're standing next to the most insane body of water known to man.

Surfers really seem to be the happiest, most balanced people you meet. Their priorities just are different. They get up early in the morning, go ride some waves, and then nothing else seems to matter. I don't get it. I mean, I do get it, but I'm scared of sharks. Oh, surfing? Yeah.

Yeah, surfing's a pretty intense thing. I mean, I've done it. My daughter's really into it, so we go a lot. Really? You go a lot? Yeah, last summer we would go like three, four days a week. Wow. And she's a big fucking eight-foot-long board, and she's tiny. And she gets on that. She's got great balance, and would go like three, four days a week. Wow. And big fucking eight-foot long board, and she's tiny. And she gets on that.

She's got great balance, and she gets on it, and she just jumps up and rides these waves. She doesn't ride the big waves. Once they crash, there's like that giant foam. She kind of rides that. Oh, wow. But actually riding a wave is a whole different story. I've tried it a bunch of times. Man, if that front tip of the board goes down, you just flip and

that shit's flying over your head. It's like, fuck this. Wow. Where do you guys go? Venice Beach? No shit. Straight out. Everybody thinks Venice Beach is, it's got this reputation for being dirty and whatever. That was years ago. There's this thing called Heal the Bay that there's a lot of

big celebrities like Julie Louise Dreyfuss and what's her name? It was married to Schwarzenegger, Maria Shriver. Shriver. They've been all over the shit for 20 years. And the beaches, they have a rating on them. If you go to HealtheBay.com, it gives a rating on the cleanliness of the water from Malibu all the way down to Marina del Rey and Venice Beach A plus all the time.

Wow. That's amazing. I didn't know that. I had no idea. Is there ever any assholes surfing? Because that's one thing I have friends who have surfed. I'd say there's a lot of arguments. It's very, because it's trendy, you got all these guys, these newbies come in and they get their board at Costco and they don't know what the fuck they're doing.

And it's all about when you drop into the wave. If another guy's already on the wave you can't get in his path or he's going to get fucking pissed. And yeah, there's like fist fights out there. Yeah. Some, I have a friend who would go surfing there and he'd always tell some new story about almost getting into a fight. Oh, Teddy Ift.

But Eddie Ift. Oh yeah, right. He tells a story about almost getting in a fight everywhere he goes. He'll be at the fucking supermarket, and I'm telling this guy, fuck you and fuck your mother. How about that? Right, I know. It's true.

He's always got a story about almost getting in a fight. Yeah, I'm like, at a certain point in time, son, it might be you. Yeah, what's the common denominator here? A little wired, a little wired up. Yeah. Fucking tense young man. Right, that's a dangerous way to go through life, man. I realize there's times where I'm fucking, I'm on my edge so hard that I'm scared because I know if somebody cuts me off or whatever, that I'm going to go.

And I got to really fucking breathe. You got that Irish temper. I got a power of now it down. Yeah. Eddie F's a nice guy, too. It doesn't make any sense. No. But he'll tell these stories, and you're like, wait, wait, wait, what?

Going on my interaction with him, which has never been anything other than pleasant and fun. Right. Like, I love hanging out with that guy. I love having him on podcasts, doing comedy shows with him. It's always been fun. Yeah. He's a fun guy. But he'll tell you these stories about, he told me a story about a bar where he told some woman,

you're the worst fucking human being I've ever met in my life. I hope you die in a fire. And he's saying all these horrible things and the fucking bars, patrons are chasing him out into the parking lot

and like, what are you doing, Eddie? What the fuck's going on? What is that? What's causing this? Right. I like when you see comics that are like,

otherwise nice, calm, cheery comics and they can't handle hecklers and they just go go to a fucking, like remember Frank Santorelli? Oh, yeah. Great comic. One of the most underrated comics. Talk about guys that didn't leave Boston that were phenomenal. I mean, the timing on that guy and his writing and everything.

But he did leave for a while, didn't he? He was on Sopranos. Sopranos, yeah. He was the bartender. That's right. But he didn't leave. Tony beat him up, remember? Yeah yeah i beat the shit out of him but he would snap man when he got heckled that dude got dark and he couldn't get back into his act because when you show the crowd that side of

you you can't suddenly start talking and you ever notice pigeons or nah you just fucking almost killed somebody, Frank. Yeah, there were some dudes that just didn't, not only could they not handle it, their cool would just evaporate right before your eyes. Right. You could see what's going on really in there. And then you couldn't take their act seriously anymore.

No, because it would seem like, so that's not really you. I want to see that other guy. That guy was compelling. Make him funny. I mean, that's why people loved Hicks want to see that other guy. That guy was compelling. Make him funny. I mean, that's why people loved Hicks and Kinison. Because they took the two things and brought them together. Well, they figured out a way. Remember the Hicks thing where some woman's heckling him in Chicago and he starts screaming at her, calling her,

look at me, I'm a cunt. It's fucking great. I have carte blanche because I've got a pussy it's hilarious but screaming yeah screaming at some woman who's heckling it's a good release man anytime it happens i just make sure i tee it up if there's if some bitch heckling me or some guy i just make sure keep giving them rope keep giving them rope so the crowd starts looking at you like hey you gotta do it now and then you can just take all the anger that's pent up inside of you and unleash it on this motherfucker that is the key isn't it

you got to play the bow you got to like pull the bow back all the way before you shoot the arrow if you just pull it back a little bit and shoot the arrow like ah what'd you do and they're like he's one of us turn this up pull it out so you hear her yeah buddy thank you man be my little echo you suck she goes i guess my mother and uh, uh... You suck. You fucking cunt. Get the fuck out of here right now.

Get out. Fuck you. Fuck you, you idiot. You're everything that America should be flushed down the toilet. You fucking turd. Fuck you. Get out. Get out, you fucking drunk bitch.

Take her out. Take her fucking out. Take her to somewhere that's good. Go see fucking out Take her fucking out. Take her somewhere. That's good Don't see fucking Madonna you fucking idiot piece of shit That gives me heart loss I got a cunt and I'm drunk I can do anything I want I don't have a cock I can yell at performers Cause I'm a fucking idiot Cause I got a cunt

I want you to go find a fucking soul Well that's some real anger man Did you see him run across the stage? It was beautiful That's some real anger, man. Did you see him run across the stage? Yeah. That was beautiful. That's some real anger. Sorry I had to see that. That was ahead of its time.

Yeah. Nobody did that back then. Nobody did that. Nobody did that back then. But people started doing that after that. I started doing that. I started going after then. But people started doing that after that. I started doing that. I started going after hecklers in the audience in a better way after I saw things like that. You realize that you can – it doesn't have to be nice.

Like you can get away with some shit. Right. As long as it's got enough of a buildup. As long as the audience is on your side. Yeah. Give it context. Put a black hat on that motherfucker. And then pull out your revolver and just start shooting.

And the thing is, you have to gauge. Any given interaction of the audience, you gauge. You've got to fucking figure it out fast. Are they going to charge the stage? Are they going to keep heckling? You've got to attack. That's right. You've got to attack at Stitches.

At Stitches in Boston. Physically attacked. You got in a wrestling match with some dude. Wrestling match? No. The guy came up. He took a swing at me. I ducked. I hit him in the head with the microphone. And then he was from the Israeli Army. He was a cab driver. His name was Simca.

I still remember that. Because I said, you know that's the name of the village idiot in Woody Allen's movie Love and Death, right? And so he came up and he got me a fucking headlock and that dude was spinning me around the stage and knocking down tables.

I couldn't get out and the bounce, you know, stitches. It's, it's the stage is surrounded by the crowd. So of course, everybody stands up

because they want to see the fight and the bouncers can't get up there. And so it just fucking went on for a while and then finally the bouncers came up and two of my buddies you know mike gibbons mike mike and uh they're at the bar and they're trying to get up there they can't get up there and uh they got him out and then the owner you remember that guy? Harry. Little dude, Harry. Yeah. He goes, Harry and Susie.

Yeah, Harry Conforti. He goes, okay, yeah, okay, Fitz, you got,

you got 10 minutes left, and they reintroduced me. I'm like, what? I think I'm fucking dead, so I go up, and I get on stage, and I get a standing ovation,

because they would, they'd rather, it's Boston, they'd rather see a fight than a comedy show. My first standing ovation in my life. And then I went to the chiropractor.

My neck was fucked. Do you remember what you said to the audience? Yeah, I walked up, and they clapped. And once they calmed down, I looked around, and I go, all right, who's next? Yeah, I remember that. I remember that. I wasn't there for it, but I remember you telling me that. And everybody else was talking about how you said that, too.

And I was like, that's hilarious. Well, actually, Brian Frazier gave me the line. He was in the audience. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah. Brian Frazier. He was fucking funny too. Funny as shit.

He was a guy that I had to tell to stop wearing T-shirts on stage. He was too buff. Remember how big he was when he was doing bodybuilding? Yeah. He was ridiculously huge. I mean. He was, like, ridiculously huge. I mean, just giant, giant arms. And he would go on stage, and he was wearing, like, a golf shirt on, like a collared golf shirt. I told him, I go, dude, you can't wear that.

I go, it's too distracting. All anybody's doing is looking at the size of your fucking arms. Right. You're intimidating, and you're angry. And you're like, what is this? You're like, that's his act. He's getting all fired up in his big, giant fucking arms. Right.

He almost attacked a club owner in Vermont with me. I took him up there to Vermont. We did a gig together, and Brian had a sore throat. And he had a really good set, but he was real conscientious, you know, and so he was apologizing to the the owner that his throat was sore you know like he was just you know just being a good guy uh you know feeling bad that he didn't you know do the performance that he wanted because his throat was a little sore meanwhile it was still great and so the club owner was like relax like why you you know what are you uh what are you apologizing about why are you complaining about what are you jewish because he didn't look jewish

about why he complained about it. What are you, Jewish? Oh, shit. Because he didn't look Jewish. Because Brian looked like he was Irish. Was he Jewish? Yes, he was Jewish. He was this big, giant guy with blonde, curly hair. So you didn't expect him to be Jewish, but he was Jewish.

And he was really sensitive to anti-Semitic stuff. So this guy calls him, what are you, Jewish? And he goes, I am fucking Jewish. And he got really angry. And, you know, he's fucking huge. He's screaming at the guy with his hoarse voice. I'm a fucking Jew. I am a fucking Jew.

And it's like, whoa. Yeah, I saw him snap a few times. He was wired tight. He was, yeah, he had a hair trigger. I didn't know what was going to happen because he was, like, leaning over this guy's desk. And the guy was this, you know, fat middle-aged dude who wasn't in shape at all. And Brian was my friend.

And I had to figure out like, what would I do if the shit went down? Because he was way stronger than me. Fraser was like way bigger than me. Right. So I was like, this could get crazy. Right, right. What the fuck am I going to do? Talk him out of it?

Yeah. I'm not going to hit him. You know, he's my friend. Right. I hope he doesn't kill this guy. Jesus. If he does kill this guy, does that make to hit him. You know, he's my friend. Right. I hope he doesn't kill this guy. Jesus. If he does kill this guy, does that make me an accomplice?

Like, how's that work? I got to drive him home after that. That makes me an accomplice. Taking a fugitive across state lines, right? He didn't do anything. I mean, boy, he scared the fuck out of that dude. That guy never expected him to be Jewish. And he also never expected him to be fucking crazy either.

Yeah. So when he's, you know, angry, not just anti, you know, not just angry about the anti-Semitism, but like violently angry. Plus he was frustrated he hadn't had a good set, so he's already pissed off. His set was fine.

That was what the guy was saying. But he felt bad about it. He was just being conscientious, I think. It wasn't a bad set at all. It wasn't a set that you would ever be in. There's Brian. Holy shit. Yeah. When I was a little kid, I was so impatient,

I would actually just take my slinky and throw it down the stairs. I couldn't even wait. Get down! See, you would never imagine that guy's Jewish. That's pretty much my hobby now, bothering people. I like to go to laundromats and hide in the washing machines. Someone opens up the lid to put their clothes in, I pop out and go, I'm using this one!

He was a funny dude. He was. He became a writer, I think. Yeah, he wrote on some shows. I think I wrote with him on one show. But never popped as a writer. I don't know why. But he's doing some other shit now.

It's like, I don't know if he's doing art or he got into something else as well as comedy. Yeah, he was always a dude with a lot of other interests. This guy, my next door neighbor in Venice,

this guy, Danny, he became, actor, one of these dudes that I'm telling you, for the last 12 years, he's had development deals or landed a pilot every single year. Good-looking guy, good actor, funny.

Not a stand-up, but just made for sitcoms. And yet hasn't really been in a show that's been on the air really at all. He was on one show that was on for like four or five episodes, and that's it in 12 years. But the check's fucking rolling in. Wow. So he got somehow involved, but he grew up in 12 years, but the check's fucking rolling in. Wow. So he got somehow involved, but he grew up in L.A., and he knows a lot of famous people.

I mean, he went to school with like, you know, Jared Leto. Leto or Leto? I'm not sure. But he's like his best friend. Anyway, so you know that artist Banksy? Mm-hmm. He became the rep for Banksy's work in Los Angeles.

So he goes off and he is selling Banksy art to, you know, he's got a couple dozen big celebrities that buy art. And, you know, the commissions on these million dollar pieces are fucking huge. Wow. And then he started getting into other artists, other galleries approached him. He came over to my house last night. He's telling me all this shit. And he is moving expensive art constantly.

And he's like, he just landed on the pilot. He's like, yeah, I hope it goes but it doesn't mean what it used to. That's interesting. Yeah. What a weird, well, it's smart to diversify, man. Especially in that business. Hell yeah. The business of auditioning and trying to get someone to accept

you to put you on a show. Right. There's a reason why the culture of L.A. is so fucking wacky. And it's not just because actors are shallow. It's not just because the pursuit of fame is sort of frivolous. And ultimately, like, it's a pretty selfish pursuit, right? It's not just that. By nature.

It's promoting yourself. Yeah. And that just encourages douchey behavior. But then you factor in the fact they're always trying to get accepted. So you take people who are most likely damaged, which is why they want all this additional acceptance in the first place. Like why do they want to be considered to be exceptional? Or why do they want to be the one person everybody looks at when they walk down the street? Usually it's because they weren't. They didn't feel like

they were worth anything when they were young. Right. So then you take that and you have them auditioning for things all the time and constantly being rejected and seeing other people get things and realizing that networking is important. So you've got to develop your own personality so that you fit into the established paradigm. Yeah, you want to be what they want. You're no longer trying to be yourself. Yeah, you have to aspire to whatever political ideals that they have, you have to adopt those. Like how many people are these buttoned down liberals in Hollywood that have literally never thought about any of the issues. And so you have discussions with them, whether it's a discussion about affirmative action, whether it's a discussion about global warming,

whatever it is, you find out how woefully uninformed they are. And how awkward it is when you hold opinions that are different than theirs, because it's really about let's all sit together and pile on the right side of an issue together. If you're not on that side, it gets fucking weird. Yeah, it's real weird. Like that conversation we had about the owner of the Clippers?

Mm-hmm. Try having that shit in the lobby of the Improv with a bunch of, you know, comics that are showcasing for something. You're right, you're right. Yeah, without a doubt. Yeah, you can't. You can't. They're all panicking.

They're all panicking. Yeah, it really is. It's not that the people are shallow. It's bringing the shallow part out of people. And it really is. If you put yourself, like you move into Colorado or you move outside of L.A. the way you did, it's a choice to try to get your balance back and try to work against what you ultimately have to feed into to some degree. But if you live in, like people live in Hollywood, I just think, you don't have a fucking chance.

Yeah, you're swarmed. You're in the cult of personality. Right. In the middle of the wave. Trying to keep your head above water you go to ralph's to get groceries you're gonna bump into another actor or an agent and you're just always thinking about what am i wearing and yeah fuck that well they're also just not that fascinating the people themselves like the the pursuit of fame the ultimate pursuit of fame like what we were talking about the kim kardashian thing is one of the best examples because it's the ultimate pursuit of fame, the ultimate pursuit of fame, like what we were talking about, the Kim Kardashian thing is one of the best examples because it's the ultimate pursuit of fame with no context behind it. There's no substance.

There's no music. There's no literature. There's no art. There's just a person. Just a person that's not exceptional getting attention. And that being the ultimate in shallow pursuits. If you're surrounded by all that, it becomes a competitive thing where other people want to be a part of it. They want to do the same thing.

They want to get in there, too. And if you're in that, you step into that soup. You're like, ah, there's a lot of noise. Nothing's happening here. And the noise is contagious. It's contagious. Suddenly you find your values changing because the way you get to be Kim Kardashian is you make alignments with people like Paris Hilton. I mean, that's how she got there. They were best friends. And then you start to realize as a person in Hollywood, every conversation you have, every relationship, there's a power structure and somebody is trying to get something from the other person and you start to think that way when you're around that all the time you can't

you can't especially if here's what the payoff of fame is every person that's coming to you you know that they have an agenda yeah that's your life that's a lot of people's lives for sure like especially if you're like say if you're an actor and you're in movies all the time imagine if you're, like, say if you're an actor and you're in movies all the time. Imagine if you were Brad Pitt and you go and anything you're doing, you're running into people in various walks of life. How many of them are bringing you scripts? How many of them have an idea? How many of them want you to set up a meeting for them? How many of them want to know if you have any pull on your next film,

like getting my brother as an actor and he's really trying hard to get his first big break. You think maybe you could put him in one of your movies? I mean, that shit must be... Or they just want a little piece of you. They want to be able to take a picture. They want a story that they're going to tell the rest of their life about when they met Brad Pitt. It's not going to be like you meeting somebody

on neutral ground and saying, hey, what's up? Who are you? You know, get to know each other. No, this is Brad Pitt. I'm going to grab a little piece of Brad Pitt that I'm going to carry with me, and I'm going to shit. And that's why people love to say Brad Pitt's an asshole, or anyone's an asshole, because that's a better story

than, I walked up to him on the street, he was busy, he took a second out, he had things to do, and so he moved on. It's much, it's a much better story to go, you know, he's full, he's a fucking asshole, he ignored me, and, you know, so everybody's collecting those stories.

Well, there's always weak, weak people that you're gonna run into that, for whatever reason, choose to say that you're an asshole. Right. Because of their interaction with you. Yeah. If you're a guy like a Brad Pitt, and you're, you know, you have some weird magic trick, where you, everywhere you go, everybody wants to pay attention to you. And as another person who values being themselves, who thinks of themselves highly and wonders why,

who's fucking Brad Pitt? What's so special about him? And then you meet him. You're like, hey, Brad, how you doing? He's like, hey, dick. Fucking dick thinks he's too good for us? Fucking dick. Meanwhile, you're concentrating on him. Why are you concentrating on him? Because he's got some weird magic trick, and you think that magic trick should be yours. Right, right.

You're the one being a dick because you're walking, he's having dinner with his family, and you're walking up to his table. That's a dick move. That is a dick move. That's the one time I never take pictures with people. I've had people do that, to come to the table to take pictures move.

It's like, come on, man. That is so douchey. Right. But people don't realize it. They feel like anybody they run into, they run into someone famous, they can imagine

that that person gets run into people all day long. Right. They think, hey, this is my chance to meet Kim Kardashian. OMG, Kim,

you're one of my personal heroes. Can I take a photo with you? And whoever the person is, you say, yeah, you're my role model. I'm a big fan. I love your shoes. You feed them whatever shit you think is going to make a connection with them.

But you, you're really good after shows at meeting people. You look them in the eye, you shake their hand, you take the picture, but yet you're able to fucking keep them moving. That's, that's really hard because people want to latch on.

Can I take a picture? Give the wife the fucking camera. She doesn't know how to work it. All of a sudden, I see your lines at shows. You got 50 or 100 people waiting to say hi to you and it's hard to keep those people moving.

Yeah, sometimes it is. The real problem is when people aren't even thinking about the other people behind them in the line. There's a bunch of other people waiting and they want to tell you some story. You can't tell me that story, man.

Right, right. There's too many people. Or then some people wait to the very end. They want to be last in other people waiting and they want to tell you some story. Like, you can't tell me that story, man. Right, right. There's too many people. Or then some people wait to the very end. They want to be last in the line. Yeah. And then they want to tell you this long, stupid thing describing some project that I'm not going to invest in. Right, right.

I'm like, dude, no. I'm not interested. I'm busy. Well, listen, you can make a lot of money. Stop. Stop. I'm not doing it. I'm not investing in some fucking, it's not happening.

So what do you do if somebody halfway through the line starts digging into a long story? Tom, there's a lot of people behind them. It's like, you know, you're rude. You're being rude to all these other folks. It's really rude. It's not going to happen. Yeah. But the people that do it, the people that really want to tell you the long, dumb story,

like invest in my idea, my company, my thing, want to tell you the long dumb story like invest in my idea my my company my thing they're always they're always like sort of like so bullheaded and and like really obsessed with getting someone else involved in whatever idea that they're pitching but they're not thinking about it they're not thinking about the other people on the line they're not thinking about you or your attention span they're thinking about their idea here's my shot let me get it out there you know i was talking the other day about this guy who gave me his fucking movie script he wanted They're thinking about their idea. Here's my shot. Let me get it out there. I was talking the other day about this guy who gave me his fucking movie script. He wanted me to read his movie script and then get it to producers.

I really need a break, and you got your break. And I'm going, look, dude, I'm not even in the movie business. You can't just give me scripts and tell me to read them. I don't know you. I don't know the script. You're asking for an hour and a half out of a person's time. Look, bro, it's really good. It's really good.

Okay, then take it to a fucking book agent. I can't get in. That's easy for you to say. Okay, it's easy for you to say, you help me. And also, I get people that send me pitches for sitcoms or whatever, and I always, I don't read it. As soon as I see that's what it is, I reply and I go, look, I'm in the Writer's Guild.

I am pitching my own shit. I didn't read it, but if it's similar to what I'm doing, I don't want to be in a position where then you're claiming that it was your idea. So I'm very polite, but I say it's just as a rule, I can't read people's pitches. Yeah. I've talked to people who say they're suing someone because they sent them something. And then this person had an idea that's similar and they started doing it. I know they stole my idea. Did they solicit that idea? No, you just send it to them. Like, what are you doing to sending people ideas? Well, when you send it through the email, it's like you patent it. Like, okay, all right. That ain't the way to do it. Okay. And in this weird day and age, it's, there's more distribution methods for ideas than ever before. And if you have some really cool ideas, you could

put your cool ideas on a website. You know, if you want to start writing books, the best way to start writing is make a blog that people think is popular, that people like your ideas, and then sell a book from there. Make something where people can share it with other people for free. Yeah. And it's a meritocracy. I always say this about, especially about standup. If you're a funny standup, I don't want to hear anybody complain that they can't get a break or can't get seen. If you are working hard and you're funny, you will be found because there's money in it. There's agents and managers and producers and studios that are looking for the next fucking name a star. There's equity in that.

So just focus on your fucking work and the same thing with writing like you said, put it out there if it's good, it will be found and stand-up is an interesting thing for women too because although it's harder I think to be a woman and to be a stand-up comic

I think there's more subjects that they have a hard time covering that they have a hard time getting the audience to accept them talking about things, like having an opinion on politics or having an opinion on certain social issues that may be controversial. Whereas other guys will listen to a guy having opinions on those things before they listen to a woman. But if the girl can be funny, the possibilities are giant. For a really funny woman like doors

just open up like there's so many well look at it right now you look at chelsea handler and whitney and um uh what's her name a comedy central that has that amy schumer i mean it is a time when the industry is looking for strong female voices and and they're getting ratings. And once you get it, you write the book, you do stand-up dates, you get the show. I mean, Whitney at one point had three fucking shows on last year. Kathy Griffin. The ones that were really good. Sarah Silverman. The ones that are really good, they just become, you know.

There's a huge market for a really funny woman. It's also like their comedy relates to women in a lot of ways that our comedy is just not going to. Just like music, just like writing, like anything else. A lot of women have a very different sense of humor than men do. Well, and also they say that women are the ones that primarily decide when and if you're going to a comedy show and who you're going to go see. Because think about it.

You're sitting at home on a Friday after work, and your wife goes, what do you want to do tonight? I don't know. Well, there's this. And then you do what she says. I think maybe 30% of the people that come see me are women. That's it? Yeah, maybe.

Probably about 30. Yeah. It's mostly dudes. Yeah. Nothing you can do about 30. Yeah. It's mostly dudes. Yeah. Nothing you can do about that. My Comedy Central show had one of the highest male percentage audiences they've ever seen. Well, that's what the network wants. It's like 75% men watched it.

They want that. Yeah. You are the sought-after demographic. Well, I think the women is the sought-after demographic, too. I mean, look at Chelsea Handler. Look at, you know, like you said, Amy Schumer. That's – It is. Kathy Griffin is the gay man. know, like you said, Amy Schumer. That's the gay men.

No, they both have huge gay male populations. That's interesting. And those guys are great because they have disposable income because the majority of them don't have kids. Right. No babies. And they don't have to impress each other the same way that men have to impress women. They're both men. Right.

If you want to fuck. No, I was going to ask you if you wanted to fuck. Let's fuck. They're both hitting on each other. They're like fucking headbutting. Right. Do you want to fuck? No, I was going to ask you if you wanted to fuck. Let's fuck. They're both hitting on each other. They're like fucking headbutting. Right, right, right. Hey, you want to fuck? Fuck you, man. I was about to ask you. I said it first. I was thinking it. You read minds. I wonder if you get to fuck the guy if you ask first. Maybe that's the race. That's really, really a horrible thing to say. It's not a horrible thing to say. The only reason why it's a horrible thing to say is because really ultra-sensitive progressives have made such a big deal out of gay people that you think it's a horrible thing to say. You think they do rock, paper, scissors?

That's probably what they do. They probably arm wrestle to see who gets to suck cock first. Yeah, maybe it's like dick, condom, balls. There's nothing wrong with that idea. It's probably likely, but you've got to be real sensitive about even cracking a joke about gay men, lest you be considered homophobic.

That's a weird thing, man. Just because you make fun of gay people doesn't mean you're homophobic. Gay people are men, and men are hilarious. We're hilarious in our pursuit to dump loads. Find people to help us release loads. Yeah. Help me, please.

And gay guys are just as hilarious as we are. Well, and the beautiful thing is, like, with women, you really got to gauge their mood, their cycle, their, you know, what conversations you've had lately. Don't be disrespectful. Right. Don't treat them like meat. Men want to be treated like meat. Treat them like meat. There's no emotions here. I got a

sack that needs emptying and you're a human. Let's do it. Fuck, I wish I was gay, man. I really do. They got holes. You got options. Damn. Especially if you could date a guy who's into sports that just hangs out and then you just happen to dump loads in each other. That's what Scott Kennedy

used to always joke around about. Scott Kennedy. God bless him. God bless him. Rest his soul. He used to always joke around about. Scott Kennedy. God bless him. God bless him. Rest his soul. He used to always joke around about it because he was a gay guy, but he was this real jockish gay guy. Really big. Played football in Texas.

Always wore a football jersey. Yeah. And just gay. Unabashedly gay as fuck. And he would let the audience know quite a few minutes into his act. See if you can find any scott kennedy online he would let the audience know like you know he would wait a while right into his act before he ever let him know that he was gay and you would never even when he would say it you thought he was kidding at first it took a while to sink in yeah i saw him

in houston i first saw him in houston he was a Houston comic. Right. And he was a part of that wave of really good guys that came out of Laugh Stop in River Oaks. Yeah, Sean Rouse. Yep. John Wessling came out of there. Right, right. Matt Kirsch. Yep. There he is.

Look at that. That guy's a gay guy. You know? You could be honest every day at work and be like, yeah, Snickers are three for a dollar, but your fat ass doesn't need three. Do I have a supervisor? Yeah, he'll be back in like an hour, so... Tick-tock, tick-tock, you gotta go.

I read this in the paper today. It made me feel really old. The show Cops, the TV show Cops, has now been on the air for 20 years. I know. show Cops, has now been on the air for 20 years. I know. But you know why it's been on the air for 20 years? It makes us feel better about our lives. Don't you think?

Because I don't care how messed up your family is, never quite as screwed up as the people on Cops. You know? What show is he on? It's obviously some television show. Craig Ferguson. Which, by the way, he just quit. Did you hear about that? Yeah, he's retiring too. Why? Ran out of funny.

Well, there's some real estate out there right now. You know, there's some empty time slots. Comedy Central and you know, with Letterman leaving. You think that's why he retired? To go over there? Maybe. Who knows if there's a deal in the works. I mean, they gotta replace a bunch of spots now, spots now right well he does a lot of stand-up i know that and he

probably also makes a lot of money and probably maybe it got to a certain point time he doesn't wants to kick back a little bit i don't think he makes shit on that show either i know i know that kilbourne wasn't making shit in that time spot yeah it's a letterman owned a piece of property it's it's worldwide pants uh They control that hour after Letterman. When you say he wasn't making shit, what do you mean? I'm talking $10,000 a week. What? What?

Wait a minute. Well, when the show started out, remember when Kilbourne left, they had auditions. Remember they rotated people in? They had like five, six people come in. Jeff Ross did a week. Mike Liam Black did a week. And Ferguson did a week. It was like five, six people come in. Jeff Ross did a week. Mike Liam Black did a week. And Ferguson did a week.

It was like five of them. And then they chose the host based on that. And I had access to what those people were being paid for that week. And the understanding was that's what you're going to make for the series. And the money was like $10,000 a week. There had to have been some sort of renegotiation along the way. Well, I'm sure.

It definitely has gone up. But when you start at that pay scale and, you know, I don't know what his ratings were, but, you know, you look at these,

I mean, what was Letterman making a year? 20 million? I don't know. I never paid attention. But I bet it was a lot more than

10 grand a week. Right. Holy shit. So I think he was, anytime a guy's touring on the weekends while he's got his own nationally syndicated nightly show, things are a little light. Wow.

Doesn't he live in New York also and fly in right before the show every day and then fly backwards? What? I heard something like he flies in. Just don't speculate. Yeah. Wow.

And then he had some books that did extremely well. Really? Well, he's huge in the United Kingdom. Oh, is speculate. Yeah. Wow. And then he had some books that did extremely well. Really? Well, he's huge in, you know, the United Kingdom. Oh, is he? Yeah. Oh, he has been? Yeah. Before?

He started out, he was big over there. As a comic? Yeah. He's a good comic. That's interesting, man. I think he's gotten better. I think he was, you know, a lot of these British comics have a hard time translating to American crowds.

Yeah. I think he made the adjustment over the last few years. Yeah, I've done gigs, like, right after he was there. You know, like, he's done, like, some of the same theaters that I've done. And they say he comes in, just leaves. Does his show and bolts. Right.

That's it. He's in right before, lands, private jet, takes off afterwards. That's what I'd do. If I was working, you know how hard it is to do a daily fucking show? And then on the weekend you're flying out. I'd be in and out.

I mean, guys got to sleep. Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting. It's interesting because I think those shows, those nightly talk shows, in the format they're currently stuck in, I think that's like old movies.

It's like watching a silent movie. It's like watching like a silent movie. Right. It's like, why would anybody want to come on and talk for five minutes? We'll be right back. And you pray, the band plays you out. Why is there a band playing?

What the fuck is going on? What am I? You're just keeping my attention. It's real. You got band, and the band, and it cuts to, Tide is the best thing I've ever had at getting the shit stains out of my diaper.

Look it. I shit my pants. I know. I was thinking about that this morning. I was thinking about Kimmel and about this great fucking guy, and he's a friend of mine. And I think about what he puts himself through on a weekly basis. You've got to get there in the morning, starting from scratch. You've got to get there in the morning.

Starting from scratch, you're going to do a show in eight hours that's going to be an hour long, packed with jokes, topics, opinions, interviews, taped pieces. You've got to shoot during the day, approving stuff. You've got network notes. You've got, I mean, it goes on and on every day, week after week. Why? What the fuck? That's crazy. I mean, it's one thing.

You're doing a podcast. This is you with very little prep, with good support, and the expectation that what you're going to do is free and loose and honest. That is so formulated. It's very formulated, very time intensive. It requires a lot of PR, a lot of people to book things and schedule things. You've got to get the network behind everything. You have to have commercials. You have to have promotion.

You have to have support. Who's on before you? What's your lead in? You know, oh, well, if this guy does Kimmel, they won't let him do Fallon. Right, right. And you've got to deal with the politics. You're doing radio interviews around the country every day to promote the show. You're doing radio interviews around the country every day to promote the show. I mean, I used to think that was the dream, that that was the job I wanted.

But I think I'd only want it for like a year. I think that you could do it online. You could do almost the exact same thing. If you look at some of the lineups that you see, like even on Letterman, you see some of the people that are on Letterman, you're like, hmm, how's that any different than a podcast? It's really not. I mean, occasionally they get like U2 or something like that. Right.

You know, and you can't get that, I think you probably would be really hard to get U2 to play on your podcast, but it might happen. It might happen.

It might happen a year from now. I mean, look, we have Everlast plays on the podcast. House of Pain is one of my all-time favorite rap bands.

They're coming on? Everlast's been on a bunch of times. Oh, shit. He plays acoustic songs on here all the podcast. House of Pain is one of my all-time favorite rap bands. They're coming on? Everlast has been on a bunch of times. Oh, shit. He plays acoustic songs on here all the time. Wow. So, you know, we've had a lot of interesting people. I get Dave Navarro on sometimes. Hey, you and Dave had like a little feud.

Yeah. And then you became buddies. Yeah, I was talking shit. Well, I did the porn awards. I hosted the porn awards. It was just a dream of my mother's. And so I went off and I was in Africa with my family. We were in South Africa on vacation for like three weeks and they were staying another week and I, I had

to go home to go. I flew directly to Vegas. You told the story along with the joke, right? And I said, you said to your wife, I said, I said to my wife at the airport, who's more likely to get AIDS this weekend, me or you? And so I go there, and I'm doing my, you know, you do like 10, 15 minutes at the beginning, and there's 5,000 coked-up porn stars. And they're all, you know, they got a camera in the audience, and the chicks are showing their tits, and you know porn stars. It's all about them, and you got to make it all about you.

So it was tough. then i got him and i couldn't get dave navarro he's sitting in the front row and the dude is just like looking down he's not making eye contact he's got sunglasses on and i start to feel like it's you know how it is a comic you that one person's not laughing it bothers you now make it a big celebrity and now make it you feel like everybody's looking at him looking at you because he it a big celebrity and now make it you feel like everybody's looking at him looking at you because he's a big star and that's affecting how they're laughing so i go on stern the next week and i start talking about it and i i went too far i called him a douche and whatever i called him the mexican prince and uh and so anyway uh so then he went on Stern and of course Stern pulled up the clip

and played it for Dave and Dave he called me a cunt and then it went I was doing Carolla's podcast and I talked shit about and it went back and forth mostly mostly me and then I was a I was a head writer on Dave Attell's show The Gong. And they used to bring in celebrity judges. So Navarro is one of the three celebrity judges. It's Triumph, The Insult Dog Comic, and I forget the other guy, Andy Dick and Dave Navarro. And so before the show, one of my jobs was we had jokes prepared for each of the acts that they were going to see. And we would basically put them all up on the board and say, who wants what? And they'd read them and they'd pull the index card down like all right i got this one on the guy on stilts and andy dick's got it so they're all picking the jokes and then navarro's there and and we're

standing there and and he's looking at the jokes and and i go if there's anything you need he goes oh and i threatened to kick his ass on the air oh yeah and he goes so you still want to kick his ass. On the air. Oh, yeah. And he goes, so you still want to kick my ass? But he said it with this little glint in his eye, and we both just started laughing. Oh, that's funny. We just laughed.

And then by the end of the show, he gave me his number. I started texting with him. He came on my radio show, my podcast, and he's come back a bunch of times since. Great fucking guy. That's hilarious. Did you apologize? Did he? Yeah, times since great fucking guy that's hilarious did you apologize did he yeah i apologized oh that's so funny i said i was out of line he goes you know he goes you know what the worst part is the truth is i thought you were fucking hilarious i told all

my friends about how funny you were he goes i just he goes i had had a gig the night before i flew to vegas i did red carpet all day and then I was so tired of that thing. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I stopped doing that shit. I used to fucking call people out all the time. It's not worth it anymore.

You're wrong most of the time. It's also negative. Yeah. You just ignore them. Right. It's better off ignoring. I mean, it's one thing to make fun. Like if Dave Navarro is wearing something really silly, if he starts wearing dresses.

Right. Which he might. You could start start mocking him there's nothing wrong with that but to just get angry fuck that douche like that kind of that's encouraged in a lot of radio shows like that's a big thing with radio like these angry call outs where people you know ranting and screaming about someone who's not there and shitting all over them unless they really fucked up unless there's something really all over them, unless they're really fucked up, unless there's something really wrong with them, or they did something really offensive, most of the time it's not worth it. Yeah.

And I've done it to comics, and then you're in a green room at a fucking show, you know, like an L.A. show, and you just kind of... Like, I had experience with a comic like that. Yeah. Yeah, I just... I apologized.

Oh, and then I shit on Carrot Top one time on Stern. You know when you were young coming, like when I first started doing Stern, I was still like that, you know, let's shit on Carrot Top. That makes me edgy. And so I'm making fun of Carrot Top. And then like about a month later, I'm at the improv, and I'm waiting at the valet parking for my car, and then he walks out, and he's waiting,

and I look at him, and he looks at me, and then I go, hey, man, I'm sorry about what I said on Stern. And he goes, hey, don't worry about it, man. We're comics. We just fuck around. It's just jokes. Totally let me off the hook. It was so cool that it made me feel even worse.

Apparently, his name's Scott something, and apparently he's just the nicest guy in the world. That Apparently, his name's Scott something, and he's just, apparently, he's just the nicest guy in the world. That's funny. And you get older and you realize, who the fuck am I? Carrot Top is really, really good at what he does. Like, no one's doing prop shit anymore. And then I watch him, it's like, it's clever.

His audience loves it. He ain't taking asses out of my seats. My fans aren't going to see Carrot Top. And even if he was, who cares? Who cares? Yeah. Yeah, he, um, fans aren't going to see Carrot Top. Even if he was, who cares? Who cares? Yeah. Yeah, he, um, Hicks used to shit on Carrot Top. Of course. I saw Hicks do a whole bit where he started reading off of, like, who's going to be there

at the upcoming, like, things in the pamphlets that they would leave on the desk. And he picks up and he goes, oh, Carrot Top. So that's for people to think Gallagher's too heady. He goes, I like Gallagher, but I don't understand all the references. Greg Fitzsimmons, you're a prince among men. It's been a fun podcast.

We just did three hours. Was that three? Yep. Can I give you some dates? Fuck yeah. Give me the website first. Fitzdog.com. The podcast is

Fitzdog Radio twice a week. Twitter. Twitter is at Greg Fitz Show and check it out. And also got some dates. Indianapolis Morty's Comedy Joint is going to be May 8th through the 10th. I did that place. How is it? It's a good place. I've never done it. Great setup. Did you do Bob and Tom when you were in town? Yes, I did. I love those guys. Nice guys. Yeah, good laughers.

And then I'm going to be coming out to... Fuck, where am I after that? June 5th and 7th, Good Nights in Raleigh, North Carolina. It's not Charlie Good Nights anymore. It's now just Good Nights. It's Good Nights like John Cougar Mellencamp. And then I'm at Foxwoods in Connecticut on June 12th through the 14th. Those are going to be the days that I call you up to try to give you emotional support

because you're not going to want to do that gig. Right. That's a dark gig. That's a dark gig. Casinos are dark. That's the darkest of the dark ones. Yeah. That's the one you don't want to do.

That's the one Callan called me up the other day, and he was there, and he explained to me. We'll talk to him after this show. He's coming in next. We'll talk to him about Foxwoods. No disrespect, Foxwoods, if you're out there. I did it once. I've been to fights there, too.

I'll leave it at that. You know what I'm going to love, though? It'll cheer me up. It's Addison, Texas, June 19th through the 21st. That's a fucking room. That's a fucking gig right there. Hell yeah. The Dallas Improv.

Yeah. And then other dates coming up in Phoenix, Seattle. Go to the website. What's the website again? Website's there. Fitzdog.com or gregfitzsimmons.com. And also my one-hour special, Life on Stage, is on Netflix. Big, big positive reviews on that.

Yeah, I loved it, man. I listened to it in my car. I downloaded it off of Amazon MP3. I got it in like three minutes. I was driving. I listened to it in my car. I downloaded it off of Amazon MP3. I got it in like three minutes. I was driving. I listened to it at home coming from the Irvine Improv one night. It was great.

Beautiful. Thanks, man. Greg Fitzsimmons. Thanks to Ting for supporting our podcast. Go to rogan.ting.com and save $25 off of any of their new and awesome devices. Thanks also to onnit.com.

Go to O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off any and awesome devices. Thanks also to Onnit.com. Go to O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements. We'll be back in about an hour and a half with Brian Callen and Brendan Schaub. We're going to do the UFC breakdown from this past weekend's fights. This weekend, Friday night, the Libero Theater in Santa Barbara is sold out there might be some tickets available at the door

the day of if we release some of the comps but other than that go fuck yourselves alright we love you big kiss

and see you soon muah got it