The Joe Rogan Experience - #495 - Ian Edwards

Episode Date: May 5, 2014

Ian Edwards is a stand up comedian and also hosts his own podcasts called "The Preposterous Sessions." His latest special "100% Half Assed" releases in June.

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! Yeah, powerful Ian. What's up, buddy? How are you, man? Man, chilling. Good to see you, too. Always good to have you on, man. You know, I told you the story.

Yeah, you told me the story. It's mind-boggling. It's bananas, so I guess I'll kind of repeat it. Yeah, please do. People need to hear this. This is odd. story it's mind-boggling it's bananas so yeah i guess i kind of repeat it and then we would yeah please do yeah people need to hear this this is this is odd all right so uh i'm in the middle of selling my house i had an escrow uh and uh they told me to move out in 45 days 45 the 45th day is today monday so i moved the entire weekend and as i pull up and get out the car to come into the studio, I get a phone call from the real estate agent telling me that the loan for the buyer didn't go through. So I'm moved out. My stuff is in storage.

I gave half of it away to this Mexican church across the street from me. And I got shit all over the place. I don't have an address. Oh, my goodness. You know, I'm supposed to be staying on a friend's couch. Oh, my goodness. I'm just all over the place right now. And I'm coming in here, you know, to have some fun and do the show.

And Chase shut it down. Oh. The reason why they shut it down, though, is fascinating. Okay, so they stopped the buyer's loan because they don't like the buyer's answer for where their funds that they have in their account came from. Like, the buyer has enough money to back the loan, but they don't, they think it's

fishy. They don't like where the money's come, the answers of where the money's from. So they say, we're not going to sign off on this loan because we don't like your money. Well, you know what sometimes people do, apparently, is they'll get family members to deposit money in an account to make the account look really big. And then they go for a loan, they check the account, and they go, oh, there's all this money in there. But they just move it out. Right. As soon as it gets it.

Like, the only reason why it's in there is to make the loan, like, they're going to give them a little piece of the action to make the loan go through. That can get tricky, you know. Apparently. Yeah, I guess you have to show how much you make. I mean, if you make $100,000 a year, but you got $50 million in the bank, they're going to go, hmm. What the fuck's going on, dude? Like, hey, saving my money.

No, that doesn't seem to make sense, man. Chase has been in the news a lot lately for knocking down a lot of anything adult entertainment, like even shutting down a condom store that just sold condoms online because it had something to do with the adult industry. That's incredible. Yeah. It's incredible that a condom thing, like birth control is dirty. Like, are we pretending we don't fuck? Is that what's going on here? Are we pretending we don't have sex?

Are we pretending we don't like to fuck? If somebody doesn't like to fuck, I don't want to talk to you. All right? You're a weirdo. Fucking is half of what people love to do in life they shut down a condom store yeah chase bank said we're gonna do business with me because i run a condom company very few people enter into relationships men and women not wanting to ever fuck it's always a part of the thing that they want to do like the happiest most in love

people like still like to have sex with each other. Like there's nothing wrong with condoms. The idea that there's something wrong with birth control is saying that there's something wrong always with sex. It's so stupid. Oh, does Chase want there to be more people so they can turn down loans? Is that what they're doing? People have more kids and they say no you can't get this loan dude you're a bit about what's not i don't want to give it away because

if you you got to see ian live like for folks who don't know i think you get slept on man i really do i think you're one of the best comics in the world appreciate that and and i've known that for a long time man you've always been really fucking funny. You know, I think you're starting to pick up steam right now. It's awesome to see. But that bit you have on bankers, dude. I don't want to say anything about the bit because I want people to go see it. I fucking love that bit. God damn, that's a good bit.

I'm going to be doing it with extra venom next time when you see me on stage. I know, man. It's going to be really emotional the next time I do it. Are you around Wednesday night? Something's going on. What is Wednesday? Oh, I was going to go to the store for Gerard's thing.

What is it? He's taping his HBO album. It's an HBO special. Gerard's house. Oh, okay. What time is that? Probably at night-ish. At night-ish?

Yeah. Like 8-ish? Yeah, what time you got there? I'm going to do an ice house at 10. 10? Yeah. I haven't even booked it yet. How about that?

You can roll like that, though. Yeah. All you got to do is get on the... Fuck it, I like it. That's the beauty of Twitter and all that. You're just like, bam. Yeah. Just put out a tweet and bam, it's on.

Well, it's also that I get guys like Ian Edwards to come and do the show. Well, you know. Diaz is going to be on, too. Oh, Diaz? Yeah. Diaz and I had a great time in Santa Barbara. God damn, Santa Barbara is awesome. You ever go up there?

Yeah, I've been over there. It's like I don't want people to know about it. I feel like I don't like to talk about it. I don't like to talk about Santa Barbara on a podcast. So I don't want people to hear about it. I don't want them to hear about it. I fucked up. I should have shut my mouth. It's hilarious. I don't want them to hear about it. I fucked up. I should have shut my mouth.

That's hilarious. I really should have shut my mouth. That place is sweet. There's only like 100,000 or so people up there. It's great. They're all real cool,

friendly people. There's no fucking traffic. There's some on the highway. You get off the highway, five o'clock, everybody's just driving around like normal. Damn.

And you go, oh, wait a minute. This is possible? You could live somewhere possible you could live somewhere where you could just get somewhere at five o'clock you don't have to i was talking to this lady at this uh this doctor's office she told me that she lives in hollywood and she works in santa monica and sometimes when she leaves at night it takes her an hour and 45 minutes to get home that's believable i i actually think she's lying and it takes a long time.

That's what I think. Insane. That's fucking insane. That's insane. And you go to, you ever go to like Big Sur? You ever been to a place like that? Up the northern coast? Heard of it, but I've never been up there. There's a lot of writers, like Hunter S.

Thompson lived there. Henry Miller lived there. A lot of writers go there because it's so stunning that they just it's kind of a little bit dour like the air is wet and it gets fucking cold you know sometimes because it's a lot of like wind and shit from the the waves and yeah there's a lot of moisture but and it's northern california but god damn it's fucking beautiful and it held some right yeah but you go to a place like that where there's not as many people as la and you realize you could just get anywhere right you start thinking like what am i doing like what what is it what's the point in living in this cramped spot is it because there's a lot of my friends here like what why why do people choose to do this

i'm trying to think of somewhere i went to do a show it's kind of in wine country oh like sonoma like up there something like that little town. What's that place you go to? Solvang. Solvang. That's awesome. It's like east of Santa Barbara and it just looks like if Disney made a town in the middle of nowhere. Like a small little wooden like windmills everywhere. There's ostrich farms. There's just ostrich farms. And there's tons of wineries. You just get drunk and hang out in this creepy little town. Brian had to turn it into Brian. Well, that's what it is, man.

Everybody knows the wine tasting thing. No, no, no. We are gentlemen. We're not here getting fucked up. They're just fancy drunks. We're gentlemen. Oh, yeah. They trick you into becoming drunks.

They even sell it by these big two liters and these huge things when you go to the winery. It's cheaper. It might even be a pig. Blah! Did you see that shit about Jim Cook? You know Jim Cook, the guy who makes Sam Adams? No. He was expressing how you can eat brewer's yeast, and it keeps you from getting drunk.

Like, yeah, pull it up. Pull it up, man. Jim Cook explains how to drink beer all night and not get drunk. It's really kind of fascinating, man. Like, he figured out some sort of biochemical process that you can sort of create in your body and helps your body process alcohol better. It's interesting because I'm very yeasty.

It's been proven by many doctors and stuff like that. So that might be why I can drink so much. It's interesting because I'm very yeasty. It's been proven by many doctors and stuff like that. So that might be why I can drink so much. It's been proven. It's been proven that I'm very yeasty. Here's the studies.

He brings over fucking things from, look at this. Sam Adams founder, Jim Coke, I think it's Coke, says a spoonful of yeast makes him less drunk.

Jim Cook. Is that what that's saying? Cook? Yeah. Is it Cook? Yeah. Why not spell it Cook makes him less drunk. Jim Cook. Cook? Yeah. Is it Cook? Yeah. Why don't spell it Cook? Why are you making me work so hard?

We can't change it? Change little symbols to what we all mutually agree upon? Looks like Coke? Yeah, let's change it like they change literally. Yeah. Change that too, Coke. That's not Coke. It is Coke.

It's not Cook. Cook. I don't care what your parents call it. I'm spelling it wrong, dude. Coke is C-O-O-K. That's spelled like the It is Coke. It's not Cook. I don't care what your parents call it. I'm spelling it wrong, dude. I spelled it like the Coke brothers, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. You know the Coke brothers that live in that building? It's spelled the same way as that, right? Yeah. K-O-C-H. Yeah. So how come it could be two different things?

Isn't that Cook? The Cook brothers? The Coke. The Coke. Those rich guys? Billionaires. And it's K-O-C-H? Yeah. I The Coke. Those rich guys? Billionaires. And it's K-O-C-H? I think so.

You can look it up. Okay. I don't even know why people argue anymore. Like, people are still having arguments like Google doesn't exist. Right, right, right. When somebody asks me a question and we start going back, let's just Google it. Let's just. I've been humbled by Google many times.

It forces you to recognize What are we doing when we argue sometimes About being right or wrong It's so stupid So if you know something and I don't know it Why should I care? Why does anybody care? And if somebody asks you something

And you don't know the answer Why would you bullshit? It's a greater tendency to bullshit Like there's something else going on It's ego Yeah It's really annoying And you bullshit. Like, there's something else going on. It's ego. Yeah. It's really annoying.

Yeah. And you got to cut it out. So ego. I got to cut it out. Not you. The world. Ego's getting swamped. I do got to cut it out. Beat down by Google.

But there's also a lot of ridiculous websites. You can get caught up in the mix. Yeah, some of them have lies. There's also, like, studies that, like, one study will say it's good for you. Another study will say it gives you dick cancer. Can you guys figure this out? It's like a bunch of different guys

claiming to be the welterweight champion of the world. You can't have five different welterweight champions. Just like you can't have... You gotta figure it out. Let us know. Okay? We'll wait. And when you say welterweight champion, you're meaning boxing? Yeah.

That's why boxing is not what it used to be. It used to be really ridiculous. There was like a gang. I don't know if there's as many now. You always hear about the big ones, the WBC, WBA, IBF. Those were the big ones. And then it was the IBO, wasn't that, came along? There was a bunch of different ones, too.

One time I was welterweight champion. He fought my sister. Did you see the Maidana fight? Nah. Mayweather-Maidana? I refuse to watch Mayweather fight until he fights Pacquiao. Really? Yeah, yeah.

I'm boycotting him. Dude, Maidana made a hell of a fight out of it. It was a lot of fun. Yeah, it was a great fight. It was a great fight. It was fun. You know how they play it on HBO the next week? If you're fully moved back into wherever you're going.

Oh, shit. I turned off my cable. I gave in the box on Saturday. Oh, that's so crazy. It's bananas. I did not know that it could go like that. Me neither. I thought that once a deal's a deal, the paperwork starts getting moving, I didn't know you could just stop the process.

Yeah, the bank, I thought they were going to close. They even tried to close early the other day, and I said, I won't be out. But they had to approve it at one point in time. They approved it, yeah. And then someone like oversaw it? Somebody oversaw it and said, eh, we don't trust these Persians. I want to find out what they did. Yeah, I need to.

And support it somehow. Give them more money. Figure out a way to circumvent the system. You're probably selling something good. Oh, man. That's the irony. It's probably something I would like. They're probably selling something awesome.

Maybe it's raw milk or marijuana. It could be irony. It's probably something I would like. They're probably selling something awesome. Maybe it's raw milk. Or marijuana. It could be marijuana. Whatever it is, fucking leave them alone. It's all the money from those rug stores, those millions and millions of rug stores that you see everywhere. And you're like, how did? That's a serious crime, though. If you're trying to hide income, hiding income is a serious crime, apparently. Yeah.

Because you really think about it. Hiding income is a serious crime, apparently. Yeah. Yeah, because you really think about it. Like, hiding income, you know, if you got a lot of cash coming in, and how much, like, what a percentage of how much you actually make is, like, under the table that you would get taxed on, you know, and how much more money would the government get because of that, and how much of an example can they make out of you

to make sure that someone hears about it so they don't do it? Right. Fucking. In Italy, Dolce & Gabbana probably going to jail really like right now they got like a 18 month suspended sentence but it's for hiding money offshore and it's like like can you imagine dolce and gabbana in jail that is just bananas yeah and that's like the perfect example of what you're talking about like make an example of somebody that everybody knows who you you would think

never would go to jail if they do it to them yeah then they yeah they don't fuck around when it comes to that that's the most mafia shit in the world is the tax collector yeah because they don't treat it like it's money they take away freedom. It's one of the rare times where just it becomes a crime where you're not giving someone enough money. That becomes a crime. Bananas.

But it's just, it becomes a crime that they go after you with a fucking fever that's reserved for terrorism. Yeah. I mean, they'll put your ass in jail.

You could have done everything right all your life and just thrown one extra receipt in there. Well, I don't think it's that much, but if they find out, I think they're probably pretty fair about finding out whether or not you're actually being a tax cheat. But if you are a tax cheat, they fucking go after you. Like what they did with Wesley Snipes, they wouldn't even let him pay it. They wouldn't even let him pay it they wouldn't even let him pay it put

lauren hill in jail they're like well you gotta go to jail no no you're gonna go to fucking jail they put lauren hill in jail yeah she's a menace to society yeah the singer songwriter she's a menace yeah she's out there singing she's like i'll give you two of the grammys she's like you didn't give me enough money you didn't you didn't give me enough money so we're gonna have to lock you in a cage that's crazy and especially when you say cage so we're going to have to lock you in a cage. That's crazy. Especially when you say cage. It's a cage. We're going to lock you in a cage. That's what it is. I'm going to pay you. And I firmly believe that we should all pay taxes. Firmly believe it. I really do. I think we need to pay. We need to figure out what's

important for everybody. What's number one? Is it healthcare? What's number two is it health care what's number two is it is it uh is it school systems like what what are what are our priorities figure out what and then figure out how much that shit costs like get people who really know what they're doing and everybody should contribute their part at least what you can contribute it would make the world a better place right that's what we all want but it gets real squirrely when i don't know what you're doing with that money it's real squirrely because it's fucked up on so many ends like some people don't want to dishonest and don't want to pay and some people when they get the money they blow it on shit so then that justifies that the people who don't want to pay they're like look what they just did with

that and then then there's some people not getting enough of it who need it, like for education, especially like in the hood and all that shit. Yeah. And it's like this shit is all fucked up. And it's dishonest people. If there's a pie cut in five and that could make this thing work, there's dishonest people in each slice. Yeah. Well, I think we would all be happy to pay taxes. But I think people would be way more likely to pay taxes if we had

a better sense of community and if they know where the fucking money's going like there's no receipt we don't get a receipt hey you know you paid ian you paid x amount of money and you know this amount went to school systems you'd be happy to know that this amount went to fix the streets you'd be happy to know like that would be beautiful if we got a chance to see that. You know, you'd be able to look at it. Like, quantify. Look, you know, the fruits of my work have sent X amount of dollars

towards public education. That would be a nice feeling. And you know why it's not transparent and there's no receipt? Because it's not being distributed equally. And that would fuck people up. Well, it's fucked up that it's not our, it's not only is it not our call,

it's pretty, we're in the dark about it. It hardly ever comes up. When people talk about the budget, it's always the balancing of the budget. The president's attempting to balance the budget. They're adjusting bills and the balancing of the budget. They're an important voice.

I like your important voice. Balancing of the budget. Yeah, that's how they talk. I'm about to tell you nothing that's important, boys. They're balancing off the budgets. They must be right. As the president addresses the nation this evening. The president's hype man.

It's the president. Well, all that fake shit that used to exist in the fucking bicentennial days, back in the 1700s and shit, it's like still going on in that way. There's a formal way of communicating. Like we don't need that anymore. We don't. There should never be a formal time where you communicate. Because all that means is that there's a bunch of shit you're not going to tell me.

And I'm not going to know how you're really thinking. I'm going to hear some thing that I allow you to do where you go into this fake speaker voice and i'll allow you to say a bunch of stupid shit with no i don't no one gets to talk to you you don't have to communicate like that anymore it doesn't the only reason it used to exist because you had to get like a bunch of people hear ye hear ye you have microphones so they're yelling out to some fucking room they have to yell it out because you can't just talk. And people can't talk back to you.

There's too many of them who take too much time. Fuck it. But no, now there's a way. Like there's interaction. It should be some sort of a two-way street here. It should be 2014 type of style interaction instead of what they're doing right now. The important thing is that the president has let us know where the money goes. Back to you.

Who are you? Why are you talking like that? This is madness. The president's crazy. They're crazy. Everyone's crazy. Right. With the voice you copied from the guy before you who did that job before you.

Our country is strong. Our will is great. What are you doing? Imagine if you're eating and someone started talking to you like that. You're in the middle of dinner. Someone starts to do you like, what the fuck are you doing? You're eating dinner on the floor. Who is this weird asshole talking like this?

This is crazy talk. Telling me how I feel and how we're going to make it through this. You're going to tell me how I'm going to make it through this, and you're going to disappear after the speech. Go away, crazy. When is that going to go away? I mean, at one point in time, they had to get rid of the powdered wigs, okay?

At one point in time, those judges were wearing those wigs and they're like, look, we got to have the wigs. We're not wearing the wigs. This shit is no good. That was bananas. That's how crazy

shit was when a motherfucker in a wig was telling you what was up hear ye hear ye and he's dressed like a squire wearing high heels yeah what were they wearing they're wearing high heels that's where high heels came from oh guys started it so crazy and robes at one point in time someone had to look at that and go yo We gotta stop this We gotta stop with the wigs And they fought them This is tradition This is how it's always been

We will wear the wigs There could be some Terrible Oliver Stowe documentary About the fucking The revolt To keep the wigs on There's some It's stupid as shit

Pesky in that wig What's fucked up in England In court Like you get sentenced By a motherfucker in a wig. You still do. Still do. Still do.

That is so crazy. Oh, you guys are nuts. I'll be like, listen, there's nothing I can do about this, but you're going to tell me this shit like a man. Take that fucking wig off before you tell me I got 25 years. Or I'm not doing it. I'm going to try to escape. Take that fucking wig off right now

What are you doing stupid Why are you dressing like you're in a different time era You're putting on a show You're putting on a show for me You have a wig on This is a show This is a goddamn play Where's the other people in the play

This is Shakespeare This is not real You're putting on a play, you fuckhead. It's hilarious. It's so ridiculous. Can we see some? Can you pull up some modern English court? Guy in a wig.

What do they call him? A barrister? Barrister, yeah. The barrister. There was a barrister, a lawyer. Isn't that a lawyer? That's the old school.

That's old school. See if you can find some. That's John Bel Belushi that's Joe Pesci oh that's right that weird fucking scene that was one of those scenes you can't really you can't really do that man Oliver Stone wasn't there while I was going down like man you took a little creative license and I need to talk to you about it. You don't even have any pictures of these guys doing this. How do you know that they went down like that? That's what he does.

That's just what they did. Okay. Alright, man. There's a lot of people that have a problem with Oliver Stone because of shit like that. Like that movie JFK where the Donald Sutherland character comes over and tells all the information, all the details.

You know that scene? Yeah. Apparently that dude, he made up that guy. He made up that guy. Yeah, that wasn't like an historical guy. He was used as like a tool to sort of propel the story along. This is what I had heard. I forget parts of JFK.

I can't even remember that part. It was interesting. I need to pull it up now to make sure. Donald Sterling's character. Because I did just say that now. And I'm saying, as I said it, I'm like, I may have been wrong. Not Donald Sterling. Donald Sutherland?

Donald Sutherland. That's hilarious. Donald Sterling's on my brain. I saw Donald Sutherland the other day, man. I was watching the old school Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Did you ever see that? A long time ago, yeah. Jeff Goldblum's in it.

He's like 20 years old. He looks like a little kid. It's crazy. I just saw him in Hotel Budapest or some shit like that. Grand Budapest. If you Google Donald Sutherland and then write scene, scene JFK comes up immediately. Pull it up, Brian.

It says JFK movie clip. JFK movie clip. Yeah, Donald Sutherland scene JFK movie clip. Let's sit on a bench together. It's a fascinating thing because if this guy didn't really exist, then, yeah, that one right there. If this guy didn't really exist,

like, it's a vehicle to distribute the truth, but... I think it's supposed to be his inner dialogue. No, no, no, no, no, but listen, because this is a guy

who's telling him all this stuff. Over the protests of the unit commander, Colonel Reich. I believe it's a mistake. This is significant because it is standard operating procedure, especially in a known hostile city like Dallas, to supplement the Secret Service. I mean, even if we had not allowed the bubble top to be removed from the limousine, we would have placed at least 100 to 200 agents on the sidewalk without question. I mean, only a month ago. UN Ambassador Adlai Stevenson spit on him here. There had already been several attempts on De Gaulle's

life in France. We would have arrived days ahead of time, studied the route, checked all the buildings, never would have allowed all those wide open empty windows overlooking Dealing. Never. We'd have had our own snipers covering the area the minute a window... Do you want to watch this whole clip? Yeah, just let it go for a couple of seconds.

It's interesting. Never would have let a man open an umbrella along the way. Never would have allowed that limousine to slow down whole clip. Yeah, just let it go of a massive plot in Dallas. Who could have best done this? Black ops, Mr. Garrison. People in my business, people like my superior officer, could have called Colonel Reich and said, look, we have another unit coming from so-and-so, providing security. You'll stand down.

I mean, that day, in fact, there were some individual Army intelligence people in Dallas. I'm still trying to figure out who and why. But they weren't protecting a client. And, of course, Oswald. Army intel had a Harvey Lee Oswald on file. All those files have been destroyed. Many strange things were happening.

Anyway, here's the point. If that guy didn't really say all that shit, are you allowed to just do that? I think that's how Oliver Stone feels about the situation. Exactly. He just wanted to get his shit across. Well, he says the guy's a real guy. Oliver Stone says the guy's name is Fletcher Prouty.

P-R-O-U-T-Y. Fletcher Prouty. And that he served in the military since World War II and from 55 to 64. He was in the Pentagon working as a chief of special operations. So apparently it was a real dude, according to Oliver Stone. I saw a dope JFK movie. I forgot.

It's called Park Something. Did anybody see it? No, what is it? It came out last year. It's called Park something. Did anybody see it? No, what is it? It came out last year. It's about the movie? It's about the assassination, but it's about everybody around it. It's about the secret service. So he gets shot before they show the hospital and the doctors in the hospital.

So it's about them operating on JFK. Parkland? Yeah, Parkland. The fight for his body with the coroner in the hospital. So it's about them operating on JFK. Parkland? Yeah, Parkland. The fight for his body with the coroner in the city. The getting the body on the plane. Then there was a part where the CIA agent is like, listen, we got to protect the president. And they're looking at JFK.

And the guy said, okay, let's do it. And they said, that's not the president anymore. Like when they're taking his body out of the topless car to put him in the ambulance and the secret service guy looked at his brain he's like that dude's not the president anymore and then it was about grabbing uh the vice president and securing him and so we got to get him back on the plane and everybody associated and then they said what about the first lady and she's like then i she ain't the First Lady no more.

And they was like ready to just, it's like those moments. They're like ready to just like. Cast her to the wolves. But it was just protocol. Right, yeah. And it's just like, so it was about the shit that they went through. The doctors like trying to resuscitate him in their day. And then Sapruda, who had the film.

And then getting the film from him. And it was well done. It was underrated. There was a bunch of witnesses to the assassination, people that were in the grassy knoll, people that were in that area. Out of those people, in three years from the time of the murder, the three-year period, 18 witnesses were killed. Six by gunfire, three by motor accidents, two by suicide, one from a cut throat, one from a karate chop to the neck,

three from heart attacks, and two from natural causes. Holy shit. I want more info on the karate chop to the neck. How do they know it was a karate chop? Karate chops are rarely fatal. Maybe the guy was a bitch. To the neck. Yeah, how do they know it was a karate chop? Karate chops are rarely fatal. Maybe the guy was a bitch. To the neck, though. I just saw on Mythbusters last night,

they were talking about how you could actually be driving on a motorcycle at certain speeds and hit the right kind of bug at the right kind of place on your throat, and it could just kill you. Wow. Just from bugs. What kind of bug is that? It was one of those huge, almost beetle bugs

that are only in Africa, but they look almost like a dinosaur bug. Do those fly? Yeah, they do fly. Holy shit. What are they? Pull that up. I gotta tell Dean Darre to look out. Yeah, that

seems like you get hurt, man. Other countries do way worse than us when it comes to bugs. We're lucky when it comes to bugs, especially California. That's one thing you don't realize. You go back east during the summer and you get whomped on by mosquitoes. You go, oh, yeah, you guys have bugs everywhere. Yeah, you're like, what country are we in?

In California, they killed all their bugs. Yeah, if you go to Florida, go to like Gainesville, Florida in July. Like, good luck. My God. It doesn't even feel like America. Yeah, it's a southern fucking tribe. Whoa, that's crazy. It's called a Goliath beetle, I think.

That's a real bug? Yeah. Oh, my God. It's a crab. Is her hand small or is that the real size? No, that's the real size. That would make your dick look like a tree. That hand.

Yeah, here's another one of them. Whoa! Get the fuck out. This thing, for folks who it's like, picture your grandfather's flip phone. Not your mom's flip phone, but your grandfather's. Yeah, that's exactly it.

It's like a Motorola StarTAC. Remember that StarTAC? That's what it's like. It's like a Motorola StarTAC. Remember that StarTAC? That's what it's like. It looks like a bedazzled phone case. That thing would fuck you up. That's a big bug. Look at this thing. That thing would have to pry your mouth open.

Oh, that's an ocean creature, isn't it? It's a beetle. That's a beetle. It is? Yeah. Not a water beetle? It is the giant, a sauce pod. Oh, my God.

It's technically not an insect. What the fuck? Technically not an insect? What is it, then? Where do you find those? I bet that's a delicious lobster tail. It looks like a lobster tail. Didn't it?

Yeah. Well, that's what a bug is, man. I mean, lobsters are bugs. They're just bugs in the water. A bug that can swim. They're just bugs in the water. I guess you might. A bug that can swim. They're very similar to cockroaches. In fact, we found out on Fear Factor that if you're allergic to shellfish, you're also allergic to cockroaches.

Oh, for real? We found that out the hard way. Oh, shit. Yeah. Somebody gets sick. Yeah. Well, we found out that this dude had eaten these cockroaches, and his throat started to close up. He started having an allergic reaction.

He can't breathe. Oh, shit. He's going to have to give you, I think it's a shot of adrenaline or something like that. Yeah, if you're allergic, you've got to tell people everything you're allergic to. You can't hide things. Just to try to win $50,000.

I don't know what happened there. Maybe somebody asked shellfish, yes, and they didn't bother asking bugs. Or maybe they didn't know. Yeah, that does live in the water. That's crazy. That looks like an alien. That thing is crazy.

So it lives in the water. Yeah. And not only does it look like an alien, it looks like a spacecraft. It looks like an alien head. Look, that's an alien head. That's so ridiculous that that's a real animal. It's got gold eyes. How big is it? It's got gold eyes, everything. Is that a hamburger? I don't know. No, That's so ridiculous that that's a real animal. It's got gold eyes. How big is it?

It's got gold eyes, everything. Is it about a hamburger? I don't know. No, it's way bigger than that. That thing was like a football. I hear. When that dude was holding it earlier? Yeah, yeah.

That was more football-sized. Man, how unprofessional is it if I run to the bathroom? Not at all. Not at all. Dude, it happens all the time. I just drank this water. Nobody expects to hang. Here we go.

The deep sea isopods. It's right through there, yeah. Bathynomus giganteus. Oh, my God. Look at that thing. And this was originally preserved in formalin. All right, how would you describe that? It's not quite a football.

It looks like a huge lobster tail. Huge. So I've been soaking it in alcohol. In a pillbub. It's like a pillbub. To remove the formalin, since that's kind of nasty stuff. Like the biggest lobster tail ever. So what I'm going to do today is

dry it out, get it set up to dry out and make a specimen out of it. We're so weird, though. Why would that be gross to us? So the first thing I'm going to do is But why would that be gross? We eat lobster. Like, if we were at a restaurant and I ordered lobster, would you get grossed out? You know, when I'm eating lobster,

I just went the other day and had it, and it still kind of freaks me out. Like, I had it for lunch. I had lobster tail for lunch, and I'm eating lobster, I just went the other day and had it, and it still kind of freaks me out. I had it for lunch. I had lobster tail for lunch, and I could only eat a papados and phoenix, and I could only eat half of it. I just got sick almost. Really? It just hit wrong.

I have to be in the mood. It has to be later in the day, and I can't have any hangover. Then I just won't think about it. Maybe you just have a weird thing with it, because I just think lobster's delicious. Yeah. I've never thought about it. I don't know. When you can see their, like, hairs.

I had some shrimp cocktail the other day, and I can't imagine that anybody doesn't like it. I can't imagine that people don't like shrimp cocktail. But Jamie didn't want to have the shrimp cocktail. What? Jamie is like, no, not into it. Wow. He's not into any water bugs.

He doesn't eat the water bugs. Yeah, dude, I'll eat street meat. I'll eat lobster. Look, shrimps are delicious. There's nothing wrong with you, Jamie. You're the problem. It's not the shrimp. Shrimps are magical creatures that taste so good.

And they're one of those creatures where you don't feel so bad about killing them and eating them. You know, very few... Like, if you... Carl Malone shot a bear. There's a photo on TMZ of Carl Malone with his bear that he shot, and everybody was getting upset. He shot it with bow and arrow.

And, you know, that freaks people out. But if he was eating a bowl of shrimp, nobody would give a fuck. I'm more... Isn't that weird? Lately, I found out that was it jellyfish? No, no, no.

Octopus. Octopuses are almost as smart as dolphins. And so I'm thinking like, shit, I know people that don't eat octopus now because of that. And I love octopus. I do too. I love octopus too. I think the difference between just the intelligence and the fact that I think octopuses are most likely cunts.

Yeah. They might be smart as fuck, but it's like crows are smart as fuck. I'll shoot one of those bitches right in their dirty crow head. It's not just smart. I need smart and nice. That's why I like dolphins. They're smart and nice. That's why I like orcas.

They're smart and nice. Yeah, but that's just because dolphins are cute and octopuses are ugly. But if you put a hat on an octopus, it dolphins are cute and octopuses are ugly but if you put like a hat on a dolphin or octopus and might look cute octopuses are too weird they don't even have a skeleton they don't sit they don't roll over if they're so smart why don't they do tricks yeah that was a goblin shark that they found they were shrimping yeah and they found this this is usually apparently they usually find these in Japan and they're very rare.

They don't find very many of them at all. It's essentially a dinosaur fish. It's something that really probably shouldn't exist anymore. It's one of those things that just hasn't quite died out yet, but it is old as fuck. Look how hairy it is.

So weird looking. I hate fish hair. I don't think it has hair on it. What are you talking about? See it? It's hanging out with a cat. It looks like it has a bunch of fish hair. I don't think it has hair on it. What are you talking about? Hanging out with a cat. It looks like it has a bunch of cat hair all over it. See it?

It's hard to say what that is. I guess it is a hair. Is that what it looks like? I mean, shrimp have hair. Or lobster have hair. That's why it freaks me out sometimes when I see hair on things. Is that a hair that a lobster has? Like, what is that stuff?

It's not hair. I don't know. Lobsters don't have hair, dude. They have some weird sort of fibrous under parts. Yeah. It's kind of like when you catch a girl

in the right sun and you never notice she has like those little whiskers and you're like, oh, you know, it's kind of like that when you eat.

Does that really slow you down? Do whiskers slow you down? Yes, man. It really freaks me out. Especially that peach fuzz sometimes when it's too hefty. Then I can see it even at night. But you get that sun and you see that fuzz all over your face.

Why do you care? Duct tape that shit. Freaks you out? I don't know, man. It just freaks. I'm like, oh my gosh, she's got a beard. Guys are so picky. That's why Asians have zero hair, you know?

Guys are so picky when it comes to women like we'll we'll like any little thing yeah and chicks will fuck donald sterling yeah exactly and we could there's a difference right there you could be fat all kinds of wrong shit going on that dude's 81 you know that was the most shocking thing it wasn't that a 81 year old dude was racist it was yeah i wasn't yeah i wasn't shocked about that 81 year old dude is i mean how old was that he's he might even not be he's at least peeing on her you know what i'm saying he's doing something weird he's doing something weird to her and i just didn't appreciate the way she sat dignified in that interview with her crazy answers i didn't

watch that oh you gotta see i don't have that. Oh, you got to see that. I don't have any desire. I feel you. I couldn't care less. The thing is, to me, the cultural significance of it is far more interesting than the actual people involved. Like what? Well, the cultural significance of what's going on now, I think, across the board when it comes to people representing themselves or saying anything,

is that things are taken in a way today. People are taking a task way quicker, way more fewer, way easier to transmit information, way easier for people to know what a person did. It's at a different level now. I think it's like a cultural evolution accelerator. That's what I think. I think in situations like this,

to anyone who is an objective person, race is not important. What's important is the quality of how the human being interacts with you, how they interact with other people, how intelligent they are, all the things that we judge a person on. That's what's important.

Race means zero. So anybody that's still hung up on race being the number one thing, like he doesn't want her taking pictures with black guys. Like, okay, what are you saying? I just think he was more jealous than even racist at that point. But he gave her the green light to fuck those guys.

Did you hear the same thing? I didn't believe him when he said that. Yeah, you didn't. I just felt like he was just saying, you know, yeah, but like before you were mature, you'd have like, it's like somebody having a cheat argument with their daughter. Like, I don't want you to do this. Why? But you don't tell them the real reason why. You tell them another worse.

You escalate it. Every time I get into it with a girl, they'll exaggerate something else to get what they want. And to me, it's like he was exaggerating. But bottom line was, my friends are calling me and teasing me about seeing the girl that i'm fucking with black guys who are probably fucking the shit out of her and that's embarrassing and that's embarrassing to me and so do it on the low but don't do it in my face but i don't really want you to do it at all yeah he didn't say all those things though he didn't but that's what i got He said you can fuck him I don't believe him Don't take Instagram pictures

Think of the Think of Think of the rationality It doesn't make sense Well it doesn't make sense To be 81 years old And ever get to fuck A girl who's in her 20s

That shit doesn't make any sense It's Just the fact that that happens I believe in it He's a male He's a Like elf on the shelf to you. That's where Brian's hoping to get to.

Look, it obviously can happen. It can happen. If there are prostitutes, if a guy comes in, he's 80 years old, you got to fuck that guy too. Listen, he's the equivalent of a male dime piece.

He's a billionaire. There's a few of them in the world. You're amazing. If you're a chick and you can get's a billionaire there's a few of them in the world like if you're if you're if you're if you're a chick and you can get at a billionaire they 80 80 doesn't mean nothing what is that about isn't that fascinating i guess it's just like he bought her a lot of shit yeah bought her a lot of nice stuff bought her some she ought to. Bought her some shit that she would never be able to get, probably. Bugatti. Yeah. I think a Ferrari. Bentley and two Ferraris

is the thing it was. But it's like... Okay, is that prostitution? What is that? How does that work? Yeah, it's prostitution. Is it? Totally.

How do you know? I mean, maybe she really did love him. Come on. Maybe she loved him because he bought her all that stuff. Is that prostitution?

That's a... I don't know if that is. It's prostitution. I don't prostitution? That's a... I don't know if that is. It's prostitution. I don't know if that is, man. I don't know if that is. You know what else is prostitution? What? Or it's pimping.

Like when a successful family, right, like has a daughter and they tell her, they send her to school, they educate her and tell her she has to marry a lawyer or somebody successful. That's prostitution. It is in a way, but it's better that than not educating your daughter about the dangers of marrying a bitch. About the dangers of marrying a bitch? Like a male bitch? A male bitch. A male bitch, all right.

Like some dude who can't pay his rent. He's always like, you know, can I just borrow a couple hundred bucks? Never gets his shit together, never gets a steady job, and it's always other people's fault. And he's always, you know, if you get a lawyer, most likely he's not going to be that. At least he figured out his way through law school, got a degree, did the tough stuff. You get a doctor, the guy's a smart guy, you know. Get a guy who's got a respectful position in this community. It's like escort streetwalker.

I'd rather be an escort if I was a chick. Yeah. Well, it's like girls don't, we don't require that same shit of you. We don't require women to be anything other than nice. Would you get bummed out if you were dating a girl and you found out that she was a greeter at a restaurant? No. I'm single, so that's who I normally date. I'm not making a ton of money by any chance, but most of the women I date, I make more money than them.

And it never matters to me. Right. Of course. So it's going to be a waitress or a greeter or just, you know. It's a weird thing, man, where people don't like the changing of the traditional relationships. The woman makes more money and the woman has more power than the man has. When that is unbalanced, it makes for a weird dynamic. Some people can pull it off, but a lot of people can't.

Most people can't. Most people can't. They don't want to admit that. You know, like I've seen some people that are pulling it off, and I have a friend. He only works a little bit, and his wife works a lot, and he's at home with the kids most of the time. But they're very happy, and it does work. So you can't say it never works, but for the most part, the dudes fall apart. And it's usually, for the most part, the woman gets tired of the dudes not making any money.

That happens too. Let's be honest. It depends which restaurant your girl is a greeter at. Because if it's like Hooters, it's like, oh, God, she's not even hot enough to be a Hooters waitress. Maybe she didn't want to be a waitress. Maybe she's hotter. She's like, I'm too hot to be walking around carrying drinks. I need to just be right here.

She's like I'm too hot to be walking around carrying drinks I need to just be right here With my weird fucking Tan skinned Nylons Are those like yoga nylons? Yoga pants? Those things still turn me on though Like when a girl has a pair she stole from work

A pair she stole from work All I think of, and this is not a negative thing But it's a little weird Is when I see those, I think sweaty feet. Like those girls have some sweaty feet. They have to. They're wearing plastic on them. In yoga pants?

Not in yoga pants, but in those Hooters wardrobes. Those girls have got some sweaty feet. No way they don't. You have plastic on your feet. You're walking around all heated up. You know, we figured it out a long time ago. You're walking around all heated up. You know, we figured it out a long time ago. You're not supposed

to do that. You're supposed to wear like organic fibers like cotton and shit. Otherwise, your feet stink and they weird out you fucking dummy.

We got athletes. Athletes who do feet. Yeah, they should be wearing wool. Wool is what's really good for your feet if you sweat a lot. This whole Donald Sterling

thing that has come to, like, I think one thing I thought of a great idea for a company if you want to invest, yeah. I guarantee I don't want to invest in your company. Because I think it's going to blow up, is selling these things. What she's been wearing around, there's like Tron, like Daft Punk visors.

Is that what she wears? Yeah, it's a Daft Punk, like, visor thing. And I guess ever since this whole case, visor companies are saying that they've been selling, like selling ridiculous amounts of these visors, and it seems like that's going to be the next popular thing. That's a good move, man. Visors are a good move. Yeah, because it covers your whole face.

We have to do this right now, though. Today, we've got to call these. That's not a bad move, dude. Visors. Let's do it. Have a little logo right here. People would wear visors pretending that the paparazzi is after them. That would be the new thing.

To fake like you need a visor. Like you show up at a girl's house, you're wearing a visor. She's like, bitch, you don't need a visor. You're like, no, you don't. My last Comedy Central special just blew the fuck up. Apparently you're not in the know. I need a visor. You know what's going to happen?

These are going to become popular, and then they're going to turn the Google Glass-type shit into this. So this is going to be like a full 17-inch lap screen in your face. You just gave them a dope idea. That actually is a great idea. And then we're Star Wars. That is a great – that idea is fantastic. Having one of those as a visor, one of those –

did you see that new thing that they were – Samsung was – they were showing some new screen that they have that's a flexible screen it could roll like a parchment and actually the image goes around the edge like all the way around the side, like say if it's that fat you see part of the image on that side as well

like all the way up into the top they could have that on that totally, that's exactly the perfect thing for it. Well you know Crash at the Float Lab, he devised a special type of screen. This is pretty fascinating stuff. The Float Lab is a sensory deprivation tank place in Venice. Okay. And the guy who runs it is this super genius crazy dude who's just obsessed with making the very best tanks.

So this guy figured out how to make a screen that when you know you know what a whole float tank is the whole thing about sitting the saltwater do you know it all yeah yeah yeah you understand it Michael Jackson had one hyperbaric chamber hyperbaric which is really good for healing like athletes use hyperbaric chamber. Hyperbaric chamber. Which is really good for healing. Like, athletes use hyperbaric chambers. Oh, okay. It's like you break a bone or something like that. Apparently cuts down on the healing time and helps heal injuries. Uriah Faber used one when he got his leg fucked up in one of his fights.

Real bad bruising on his leg, and he helped heal it up in there. But that wasn't it. What's yours for? It's a sensory deprivation tank. You float in it. And you don't feel the water because it's the same temperature as your body. And it's a thousand pounds of salt in the water.

So you lie down, you just float. It's like the Dead Sea. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's great. You trip out in there. You have these weird imagery, visual things. You don't see anything.

You don't hear anything. So as you get more relaxed when you're in the tank, you start to have these weird hallucinations, selfies, emanations. Do you take anything before you go in there? Some occasionally. Same. Occasionally.

But that's... Why did I bring that up? Oh, that's not... The sensory deprivation tank, he came up with this screen that hovers just inches in front of your face. And it's such a low amount of light that's emitted by the screen

that you don't see the actual screen itself. You just see the image. So because the tank is so dark, there's no light in there at all. You pull the lid shut, thump, and it's complete darkness. You open your eyes, you close your eyes, it looks exactly the same to you.

This screen, which is hovering in front of you, you absorb only the image. so it's like the image is floating in the sky above your face and you can watch things like documentaries or like like a like a how-to thing like a golf instructional or something like that yeah and because you're floating you're you have way less distractions you have way more resources your mind has more resources to apply to learning something it's like if you were trying to learn something really intense like it was hard but some people were arguing right next to you you'd have to get the fuck away from them because you wouldn't be able to pay attention to whatever you're reading

well the idea is that just your whole body just sitting down just your ass touching this chair is all information that you are getting to deal with in your brain you have to constantly manage it you're constantly so your resources are spent managing distance and touching things and you know how your body feels and what you ate today and all that jazz when you're in the tank there's nothing nothing if as long as you go to the bathroom before you go in there, once you relax and float, you're just floating. How long are you staying in there for? The minimum I go in there is usually an hour. The most I go in there is like two hours.

I've done longer, but I think two hours is the right amount. Pruney. You get pruney? No, no, because it's salt. Yeah, you don't get pruney at all. It's weird. It's totally different. I got to get one of those at the crib.

Get one at the crib. I got to get a crib first. But this light floating above your head makes me think that that's exactly what these things could be like. You could just lie back and watch a movie. Like, fuck having a big giant screen. You lie back, and the movie's like Oculus Rift style, like completely enveloping your face. Yeah, and you could get text notifications on the side. It's so big, it would be like an IMAX screen.

And it's lightweight, too, because you could probably make it pretty lightweight and just have it on the little band. Imagine if they did that, and they found out that it enhances your vision. Because you're constantly looking at these things right in front of you, and your vision becomes super-powered.

Or you just zoom in on your hand, pinch to zoom on your hand and you actually can focus like zoom your own vision and like have a camera in the front so it's like actually recording like google glass everything and just adding to it so then you could like zoom in your own vision well if that's going to be the case then your interface like what you're going to be able to do you're going to be able to do it like minority report style in the air right in front of your lens. Absolutely. And because it's your hand,

you'll be able to recognize your hand the same way like your fingerprints get recognized by an iPhone. Right. That kind of same shit. I bet you'll be able to just start, you know, pinching reality in front of you. And since everyone's going to be having these on all the time, well, one, the paparazzi is never going to take your photo,

but also your face is going to be like the next tit because you never see the face anymore so when a girl takes off her offer match you're like oh my god I want to fuck that and blow just stop talking today and not even thinking before you saying shit he was he was onto something well no you know like cover like you know something up it's not that you know, like, you cover, like, you know, something up. It's not that. It's just the way you say it. It hurts people's brains. It always leads to pussy.

Blowjob's gonna go up. It's not. It's just retarded. It's hilarious. It's ridiculous. I think it's possible that we could have a use for that thing, though.

Yeah. That totally makes sense that you would be able to use it as a big, giant screen and just pull things in front of you. Like you said, you could be looking at something in the distance. Oh, I see fire.

What is that? Zoom in on it and press Google, and it'll fucking get a direct coordination of where you are and how far away that is and what that is. They already have range finders. They have these things that are these laser range finders so you can point it at something, and it'll tell you exactly how far it is to the foot, which is bananas.

It's crazy. It's 21 yards. Like, what? Like, you could tell exactly how far that thing is. So if that's the case, they're going to be able to incorporate that sort of technology with a GPS technology. It's going to realize where you are, where it picks up your signal. Realize the range at which you're looking at something. Factor it in. Zoom in on that location.

Oh, that fire is coming from the city of blah, blah, blah. And they had an explosion at a factory. You'll be able to watch the Google News. Beep. You'll press a button in front of your face. And it'll play you a video that's the news of all the things that are happening in front of you. This makes me wonder, where the fuck have I been? Am I this world it's coming shit is going on you got range finders all that oh yeah range finders are important for hunting how do i okay especially archery when they

like you have to figure out where the thing is like how far away it is because you're out like a bullet shoots straight as an arrow for like 100 yards but an arrow has more of a dip to it right an arrow doesn't doesn't have as much power as a gun obviously so like you have to calculate how far the arrow like dips to figure out where it's going to land and here's a trick question sounds crazy but if you take a gun in one hand and a bullet in the other hand, and you pull the trigger at the same time exactly as you drop the bullet, which one hits the ground first? The one from the gun. It's a trick question.

They hit exactly the same time because gravity is the same for both the bullet and for the bullet that you drop. Because the bullet is going to go straight for a long time, but it's going to still drop. It's still going to drop. Whereas the bullet that you're holding is going to drop right in front of you. You're going to hold it. You're going to let it go.

It'll drop right there. This bullet is going to go like seven miles and then drop in the same amount of time. That's the difference. The difference is not the amount of time that it takes. It's not that. The amount of time that it takes for the bullet to hit the ground is exactly the same. It's just the distance that the bullet that you shoot will go

will be the difference. Isn't that crazy? Unless you shoot straight up in the air. Why are you making a face, dummy? You use calculations. Yeah, if you shoot straight up in the air. It wasn't me. That's a cheat.

That's a cheat. That wasn't my face. You have to be parallel. up in the air. It wasn't me. That's a cheat. That wasn't my face. You have to be parallel. It only makes sense. Yeah, if it's parallel, right? Yeah, if it's parallel. Exactly. That is the look of skepticism right there.

Well, it makes sense if you stop and think about it. I mean, it doesn't defy gravity. It just defies gravity while it flies straight. I mean, it's flying straight, so there's some defiance of gravity there, but the amount of time that it flies straight is exactly the same as the amount of time

if you just drop a bullet. This one's got force. Jamie, you know there's no microphone on you, silly bitch. The bullet you're shooting has force when it's dropping, doesn't it? Yeah, but still, it's going to drop in the same amount of time As long as it's going straight The only thing I was thinking

Is that there is an explosion So the explosion doesn't like I don't know It doesn't drop the same time They did it on this show Radio Lab They were explaining it And apparently It's a trick question They're still using radios.

No, no, no. Dude, Radiolab is awesome. I think it's probably, there's probably a website. If you drop a bullet, drop a bullet, or shoot a bullet, which one hits the ground first? It makes sense if you think about it

though, right? I see what you're saying But if it's being pushed out It seems like the drop wouldn't happen At the same time as the bullet Well, Mythbusters did a thing on it Did anyone ever find out Of that Mythbusters photo of that dude naked? Was that real or fake?

I don't know what you're talking about The bald guy, or the crazy mustache There's a picture of him naked That was really popular five years ago. It's probably true. While he was getting fucked in the butt or something. Well, that's not nice. Mm-hmm.

Come on, man. Do you still work on the boondock scene? No, no. I only did the first season. It's such a good show. Do you still watch it? Do you like it? It wasn't on.

It just started coming back on. And I don't have a TV right now. Yeah. Or cable to watch it. So, nah. What are you going to do about all that? Have you even thought about it yet? I'd have to, like, move back into my house that I just moved out of.

That would be the craziest. My neighbors would be looking at me like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? Is all your stuff in storage right now? Yeah, some of it is in storage. Well, you can just take a blanket and a pillow and a laptop. Okay, the other factor apparently is the curve of the earth. Curve of the earth. Yeah.

It seems that this is what they're saying though. It seems that they're saying that they land at the same time. And it might even be that the bullet that you drop lands quicker. Or the the bullet that you shoot lands quicker. Or the bullet that you shoot lands quicker. Did you ask Siri? No.

Ask Siri. See what she says. She'll just Google it for you. She won't really answer something like that. Siri, which will fall first? A gunshot bullet or bullet drop from hand? This is what Siri's going to say. Oh, my God.

You're retarded. It was like, what the fuck? Checking. Okay, I found this on the web. It says... Oh, okay. If you shoot a bullet fast enough in the horizontal direction,

you can get it to orbit around the Earth. Yeah, this is... They will hit the ground at the same time as what Siri told me. Insane. Yeah, that's what they're saying. It'd have to be some insane kind of gun. You can conceivably shoot something that's so powerful. You can get a bullet in orbit if you shoot at the horizon.

If you ignore air resistance, I guess maybe, or defeat it just with sheer force and aiming in the right direction. But because of the curvature of the earth, I guess it just makes sense that the bullet would hit the ground. It really is just dropping. That is the whole idea of gravity in the first place, that the spin is what's causing everything to pull down. So the spin would have to be factored in when like when the bullet drops and the earth is spinning. Because we're spinning 1,000 miles an hour, you know? And it's this weird curvature of things.

The whole idea just freaks me out that we're floating, you know? Just the fact that this planet is just afloat in the universe. In the middle of some space. Yeah, it's a freakout. It's a freakout that you don't like to engage in because it's too... And we just accept it and ignore it. It's so bananas that you're forced to watch reality shows just to cleanse your palate of any weirdness. I guess it would be like if you were jumping from two buildings.

Two buildings exactly the same. If you were to just jump or fall straight from one building, you would fall. But if you were to jump up, that would be cheating. jump up are you even saying because a bullet doesn't go up so but if you were somehow just yeah you can't do it think these things through the people are listening to this there's people on the other end and they have a life like you may have a mind of their own and they don't want their thoughts bouncing around inside their fucking head. Like if you were jumping from building to building, you'd be going up. You'd be like shooting a gun up.

Exactly. Yes, yes. That's a good way of describing it. And shooting a gun straight, you'd still be falling the same way. Yeah, it's weird. Especially with the curvature of the earth. Apparently, that's what it is. It's going really fast, really far, really quickly, but it still falls the exact amount of time.

It's fucking nuts. When does the bullet that you shoot start falling? When it gets to its distance? Well, see, it's going straight, but it's going super fucking fast, and the earth is curved. So, apparently, it drops exactly like as if you were dropping the bullet so if you drop the bullet or you shot the bullet this one's going really far but at the same distance or the same amount of time rather they both hit the ground it seems like a mind fucking a half but if you've ever shot a bullet you realize how quickly it hits the ground. They hit the ground really quick. Like, you shoot a bullet, and then they just, they're on the ground.

Like, pyeong, things go flying. I mean, we don't think about it because we assume that it just keeps going for a long, long time. About an hour or so. Plus, my bullets are usually hitting something, so. I don't even think about, you know. They just fired them off. You know what I'm saying? You figure they're gone.

Yeah. That thing's probably still flying? You figure they're gone. Yeah. That thing's probably still flying. Yeah, meanwhile, it's not. Meanwhile, it's already on the ground, like just as quickly as if you drop it. How about you drop a bullet and the bullet that you fire into somebody hits the ground at the same time? The body of the person you shot hits the ground at the same time as the bullet you dropped, no? I don't think that's related. Okay, just checking.

That wouldn't be related. All right. That's a different experience. The gravity itself is a real mindfuck. And the idea that somehow or another it applies to these planets and it has something to do with mass and has something to do with the spin. And that these things can even be applied to some asteroids. Some asteroids have gravity. There's asteroids that are so big they have gravity.

And then there's things that there's a whole belt of shit that somehow or another tied together and all floating around. Sometimes this causes them to have bands around planets where you just look out and you can actually see it with a telescope. And all that shit is just rocks spinning around outside a giant gas giant bubble planet fucking thing. Like, whoa. The whole idea of planets and solar systems is just too much, man. It's too much to wrap your head around. Anything that we think is significant. Everything you just said makes me think, what the fuck are we doing every day? All this shit is going on.

We just take all that shit for granted. Paying student loans. Yeah, paying student loans. Fighting traffic. Trying to get the new iPhone. Fuck all this space shit. I need a bigger screen. This is bullshit.

Yeah, everyone's fighting traffic. And meanwhile, we're spinning in space. This lady was telling me today about the rents in Santa Monica, just about how brutal it is. She couldn't get a place in Santa Monica. She was driving from work all the way to Hollywood where she can afford a place. Just the idea of being stuck an hour and 45 minutes just trying to get to your house, which is less than 10 miles away, that's so crazy. Yeah. It's so crazy. Jesus. It's insane. A lot of stuff in L.A. is not that far, but it does take a monumental amount of time to get there. The fact that this is all going on while we're in space.

The great beyond. I mean, it's one of the most ironic things ever is that we're running out of space while we're flying through infinity. And nobody cares. I mean, that is what real estate prices going up is. You're running out of space. So the space becomes very valuable. That's why it's really valuable to have a home on the beach. There's not much.

It's a very finite amount of space. You want a house right by the beach? Listen, buddy, you got to pay, pay, pay, pay, pay. You want a front seat to the tsunami? You got to pay. It's quite ironic, isn't it? That at the same time, we're running out of space while we're flying through infinity. That is one of the most ironic things about the human race. That's a clear sign of how crazy we are. I get it. There's certain places that have more resources. I get it.

There's certain places that have better climates. I get it. California's a good place. People figured it out. It's a good spot to stop. Not a lot of rain. It's sunny as shit. People look good.

They wear very little clothes because it's hot all the time. It's a good place to get your free con. Bam, I'm staying. You know, fuck it's hot all the time. It's a good place to get your free con. Bam, I'm staying. Fuck the rent. Fuck the commute. They charge you for it. Yep. You got to pay for it.

This is so ironic that all this is going on to distract the shit out of us while we're hurling through infinity. And we have no idea what this is all about. I will never beat up a nerd again. They're important. They're important and they're into nerd again. They're important. They're important and they're into interesting stuff. They're going to do the hard work, man. You're not going to do it. I'm not going to do it.

He ain't going to do it. Who the fuck's going to do it? Without someone out there doing the hard work, we're doomed. Then we're believing in fire gods and sacrificing people. Fucking snakes with feathers. This lady did my astrology chart the other day. Oh, shit. That's what they're calling it these days?

Well, here's the crazy. So I was going to get a studio apartment in Hollywood. So the lady doesn't do a credit check. She does your charts. That's your credit check. So then she was telling me my. Get the fuck out of here. There's no way I'm giving that lady a nickel i would i can't it was a good price apartment i should have taken it in

retrospect yeah i can't live here you're too crazy so what happened when she did your charts it's like the first time i ever like i've never been to a psychic or no shit like that so and then she wanted to know my time i gave her like that. And then she wanted to know my time. I gave her my date of birth, but she wanted to know the time. I was like, I don't know the time when I was born. So she just kind of, there's maybe three types of times, and she just gave me one. And there were some things, she just started talking about,

Jupiter is lined up with Uranus, and this is a good time. And it sounds funny, but that's exactly what she said. She'd start talking about Jupiter is lined up with Uranus and this is a good time. And it sounds funny, but that's exactly what she said. But then there were some things she was kind of accurate about. She said, you got a job and so-and-so that paid a decent amount of money, blah, blah, blah. So I was like, okay. She was in the—it wasn't far off. Yeah, but they ask you questions, and they start fucking figuring your personality out,

and then they plot and think about, oh, this card, this is the Joker. So you might be a comedian. Come on, man. It's all nonsense. All of it's nonsense. They Google you. It's nonsense.

She could have Googled me. There's something, there is something. That's the thing about psychic. It's nonsense. She could have Googled me. There's something. There is something. That's the thing about psychic. That's all it is. Right, right. There's something to astrology. Don't get me wrong. Nobody get me wrong.

I think there is something to it. I think they've been doing it for a long, long, long fucking time for a reason. And I think that there's probably some sort of an effect that the gravity of other planets and the way it aligns has on a person. Some sort of an effect. I don't know how much of it is real, though. The idea that they could tell your future. That's the thing that was blowing my mind, that she could say, she could chart me as an individual. as an individual.

I was like, I don't know if it's a feeling like, I don't think I'm that important enough where you could like put my date and the time and then

check when the moon hit when I was born. Yeah, but she didn't even, the problem I'm having with it, the big problem is she doesn't even know when you were born. She knows the day.

Yeah, but that's supposed to make a big difference is the time in which you're born. And I didn't, all of it, I didn't care enough to like go get it for her. Like I could have asked my mother. But, you know, I was skeptical. But she had a few things.

I don't know how much of it was just an experience of good guessing or, you know. Most of it's that, dude. You ever hear Penn Jillette talk about that, how they do those things? Nah. Most of it's that, dude. You ever hear Penn Jillette talk about that, how they do those things? No. He's pretty enlightening when it comes to all sorts of scams and confidence games and how they can get you to believe that you're not revealing anything, but they're leading you in certain ways. And for the average person, they're pretty effective.

There's a bunch of effective techniques. I see there's a woman in your past there's my grandmother it's I'm not sure how old she was well my grandmother died when she was 50 yes and there's something something she didn't get to do well she always wanted to be a dancer this is amazing so so this is amazing they just fucking they just start doing that and leading you and you talk along with them and i'm i can't help me out there's an r is there an r somewhere oh my god her name was regina that's amazing they start doing shit like that and it's just people find a reason for that r um d reggio yes

that's it people find a reason for that r they findRogiglio, yes, that's it. People find a reason for that R. They find a place for it. They just look for a place for it. You know what that's like? That's like, so there was this detective. He quit the force. But he realized he put this chick in jail based on interrogating her years ago. Like, when he went back and listened to the tapes, like, there was, I think it was a robbery and, or maybe a murder, but he interviewed her and interrogated her for a long time.

And then she kind of confessed to it at the end, but she admitted some stuff or gave them evidence along the lines. Like they were like, you had Chinese food, right? And she's like, you had Chinese food, right? And she's like, yeah, Chinese food. And then she told him, but he didn't know or realize that he showed her the receipt. So when she mentioned eating orange chicken or whatever was on the receipt, he thought, okay, I got it. She is involved in this. Like, and there was just a lot of stuff where over the course of hours of interrogation, the cop gives you a lot of stuff and it becomes your fact and you start saying it back. And then you think you got her, but you gave them all this info. I'll go you one crazier.

They actually used that in India to convict a woman of murder based on the results of a brain scan. What? Yep. It's called fMRI. And fMRI is a functional magnetic imagery, whatever an MRI is. But the idea is that they can detect certain aspects of your mind or certain aspects of your thinking and one of them is knowledge of a subject so say if they showed you a photo of the crime scene you reacted in a certain way that certain way would indicate knowledge of a crime scene but here's a problem we don't know if that knowledge of the crime scene was put in your head during an interrogation right put in your head during an interrogation right it was put in your

head during the um the media discussing finding out like if you're being charged with murder let's say murder you're gonna fucking read everything like holy if you're innocent let's right let's pretend i mean for the sake of let's this is a totally new scenario ladies and gentlemen forget about this case in india i have no attachment to it i don't know the actual whether someone was guilty or not guilty i don't know i just know whether someone was guilty or not guilty. I don't know. I just know that fMRI was used to come up with a conviction. If you were not guilty, but they thought you

were, they're going to talk to you for a long fuck, and you're going to be like, what is this place? Like, it happened in a kitchen. What fucking kitchen? They'll show you a picture. Have you ever seen this kitchen? You're like, I have fucking never seen that kitchen. And then later, they give you the fMRI, and they ask you about the kitchen oh he has knowledge of the kitchen right it's it is possible that so this is not an exact science it is possible that you can somehow or another give

someone a memory and they can accept it as their own you can actually read it on a machine and that's what happens in law whether they use use the what's the name of the machine? fMRI. fMRI. I'm just shocked that India even has that technology. The place that has water doesn't have running water in most places. Well, India has a lot of fucking people, man.

There's a lot of fucking people in India. And they're wasting time on convincing somebody with a mind scan. India has a lot of high level technology too, man. Why do you think when you make tech calls, you go to fucking India? You know, there's a lot of people over there. It's just, it's a completely different sort of an environment.

Having a billion people on your planet. And they have nukes. Yeah. Yeah. They've got to defend themselves against Pakistan. They do. Both of them. They got that beef. they hate each other and

they're right there looking at each other waiting for one old dude they're going out i think that's fucked up that they uh so she she's in jail or whatever their version of prison is allegedly i mean who knows i mean she might have been a murderer i don't know i don't know what happened i just know that the idea of being able to read functional memory my i'm completely ignorant about the science behind it so when i talked to people that were scientists they said it's very dangerous it's very dangerous it's not it's minority reportage yeah well not only that it's not ready right like this is not indicative it's's like one thing, say if I could read your mind and you could say, Ian, will you show me your bathroom, please? And you could show me the image of your bathroom.

I can actually see it. I go, okay. And until it's like quantified like that, you're looking at someone's brain. They have functional knowledge of a bathroom. He's a fucking murderer. Yeah, like we got him. Yeah. Like that's the new swearing on a Bible.

Yeah. And it's as if swearing on the Bible isn't shaky enough. Exactly. Let's make this thing shaky. Let's use a brain scan. That's so true. With no factual basis for it. Well, memories are real weird, man.

They've been able to introduce memories in mice now. They've been able to introduce memories in mice now. They've been able to introduce artificial memories. Oh, yeah? They've been doing it in humans for hundreds of years. Probably, right? Most of the girls are dated. Manchurian candidate type shit. Most of the girls are dated trying to insert artificial memory.

Remember the time? Oh, those are hilarious. It's called lying. It's called lying and pip game. Yeah, sometimes people will fucking put things in your head, and you're. It's called lying. It's called lying and pimp game. Yeah, sometimes people will fucking put things in your head, and you're pretty sure they're right. I know I don't remember anything. Sometimes people say, remember the time we did this,

and me and you and so and so? And I say, oh, shit. That's happening so much to me now. I know my memory is unreliable. That's the point I'm at. That's hilarious. I know mine is too. Everybody's memory is unreliable.

People, they morph their memories to make them more convenient for their knowledge of the past, whether it's as them as a victim or as them as the winner or as them as the, you know, oh, I didn't get my fair share. You know, there was some behind-the-scenes shenanigans. Meanwhile, no, you know, oh, I didn't get my fair share. You know, there was some behind the scenes shenanigans. Meanwhile, no, you're a fucking idiot. So regular memory isn't reliable. It's terrible.

But they're going to use this machine. Yeah, exactly. They're not ready yet. But one day they will. One day we'll be able to access each other's brains. Just like we send each other photos. Like if you were somewhere cool

and you sent me a photo, I'd get it on my phone. You're going to be able to see my, I'm going to be able to, you know, put public, so I get it on my phone. You're going to be able to see my, I'm going to be able to put public, I want to make my eyesight public because I'm at Yellowstone. And you go public with your vision and you show everybody else and you can put it up on a database where people draw from.

That'll be like the first step. People will share their experiences. A few people sneak in porn or them jerking off. Brian. For the most part, people are going to share experiences, and then it'll just go to, hey, I'm Carl. I'm always on. Man, this motherfucker's always on 24-7.

You can watch him shit. You can watch him jerk off. You can watch him have sex. And people just start. They only live their life. Can't wait to get home and be Carl. Carl's out there just doing ecstasy and banging bitches, driving in the fast lane.

He's a fucking animal. If Carl's channel became public, everybody would want to just be inside Carl's head. Yeah, he'd be the hottest selling movie. And people would start complaining. They would say, look, man, nobody is living a real life anymore. Everybody's living other people's lives. He came up with a great concept

for a movie, you know what I mean? Yeah, because your life is boring as fuck, but you could just be Carl. Carl is out there balling. And if Carl gets shot, boom, you just go back to regular life. That's the risk because then you'd have to find a new channel to subscribe to. Right. You know, Carl's dead. Your favorite TV show is dead.

Yeah, exactly. Let's follow Eddie, Carl's best friend. That would be a new art form. The new art form would be living your life in a spectacular manner to which some people would want to actually give up being a real person so they could be you and experience it directly.

And you will become a million people. They see through you. We're not exactly sure whether or not they influence Carl. We think that Carl is acting independently, but it is possible, if you think about it, that all those minds linked up together could form one unique and universal direction in which Carl might want to go. Well, that's kind of like Instagram right now. That's bananas.

But you're talking about the next level. I'm taking it to the next level, son. Because if Carl realizes he gets a lot of views when he's doing threesomes, then he's going to do more threesomes. Of course. And if he gets a lot of views when he realizes he's on a plane or in a jacuzzi, he's going to do more of that. Look, when a guy gets recognized for being a big fat guy

and gets famous for being a fat guy, have you ever seen one of those guys talk to their agents? And the agents will tell you, I've seen it happen with my own eyes. Don't lose weight, man. If you lose weight, you're going to lose rolls. Why is that? Because they've locked on to the idea of you as the fat guy. They just decide.

They decide. We're just going to keep this going. Don't fuck this up. Literal gravy train. People, yeah, they just keep eating so they'll stay fat and funny. If you told the fat guy, like, hey, dude, people love eating. And if you just, I just need you to just go fucking crazy. If you just eat a lot, bro, all day, people are going to just be you.

There's a lot of fat people. They're skinny in real life. But they could live like a fat guy through you and we can make money. Sketchers is in on this. Sketchers wants to sponsor your eating show. I mean, you get some guy who just all day he drinks fucking vodka

and he eats subs. Just meatball subs, chicken parm all day. So people subscribe just so they can experience what it's like to be fucked up, drunk with a chicken parmesan sub. Greasy meatballs and sausage and pepper. Shit they're not allowed to eat anymore in their actual body.

Carl's drunk life. Follow Carl's drunk life. Follow that. And every now and then, Carl will go to a massage parlor and get jerked off and like, yeah. But you can't tell your wife about that. Like, Carl's doing some crazy shit. What's he doing?

He ate like three sandwiches. Yeah, you beat Carl and you don't even tell everybody about Carl getting jerked off. He's eating a sub while he's getting jerked off. The kid's a maniac. I like this Carl guy. That's the next level shit, man. That's what's going to happen. People are saying the kids are wasting their lives, right?

Just wasting their lives sitting there watching TV. Not even out there doing anything. That's just TV. TV is like the smoke signals of entertainment I mean it's beautiful for us but so was a smoke signal when you didn't know where the fuck the camp was where is everybody they still all those are your fuck I can find them that's a lifesaver especially when it's cold out that shit was a lifesaver right that's the TV is is the

smoke signals of digital entertainment one One day you're going to actually be that. You're going to be in that guy's head. Sorry, it's starting already slowly with reality shows and all that stuff. But we're all going to be one. Everybody got Facebook. Everybody got Instagram. Everybody's on something. Shit's weird.

You just can't stream it the way you're talking about it. That's coming. That's going to happen. It's going to be weird as fuck. And it's going to first take place through something like a Google Glass or something like that Visor idea. The Visor. The Google Visor. You need to jump on that Visor idea.

We need to. Let's do it. Come on. Let's get in the Visor game with me. I'm not interested. I have my time sectioned out already. I have no time for anything else. He says I have my time.

There's no way that would make me more happy it's just not going to make me more happy we could be the Steve Jobs advisors good luck with all that dude I'm content, I'm 100% content I have no desire to take on any additional projects like digital advisors do you know how difficult that shit would be to do?

what you need to do is contact Google no, I want to start off with just a regular advisor I think that's what you have to do. You have to first get your feet into being the best visor, having the Nike shoe. That would be easy, dude. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's an easy investment right now that can turn into- No, no, no.

Not easy enough for me to agree with you. No, no. It's like, how much is this visor? If you look at that visor, it's just a piece of plastic. It's like all you need to really pay for is like the thing on the top, like the headpiece. Right. So it's like one of those Vegas visors that Hunter S. Thompson used to wear. But it's just bigger.

Yeah. And it's down on your face. Yeah. I could totally see it happening, man. The chick's an innovator. Daft Punk. Look at Daft Punk. She's smart as shit.

What she should do is take, she should start this. You should start this with her. I will. That's what you should do. You should find her. She's probably still got some of his money squirreled away somewhere. I've already looked up the erotic review. I can't find it.

Some little fucking hole in the park, the brown bag dug two feet under a tree. Yeah, she's got, she didn't, you know. Yeah, she didn't blow all of it. She's hiding some of it from his wife. You know that when you're 81 years old, if you're fucking a guy that's 81, the shit could end at any moment. They know it. Yeah.

They know it. They plan for the future. Yeah. I doubt she didn't have, like, an ATM card or something. I mean, it doesn't make any sense to me. She claims she has a job. She's, like, his personal assistant

or something high, a better title than being peed on. That's what she has. I bet she doesn't have that job anymore i know she's in the interview is banana she says she's like barb waltz so he just came from seeing donald sterling how is he and she's talking like well donald's this and those he's like a father figure to me and you know i'm just trying to help him right now so i was like this would be this is so bizarre that if it's true they're still in contact and kicking it like this is no other way

an 81 year old guy gets to bang 20 year olds they have to be crazy that's the only way it works and you have to deal with everything you're 81 years old you have to buy her a Bentley and you have to deal with 100% crazy coming at you on a train all day long. Fucking drama that's not real. Dramatist. Black guys on Instagram. You got to deal with all that. It all comes with this crazy bitch. You got to just deal with it.

It's a part of the game. It's a part of the game. You got to accept it. You got to accept it. He didn't accept it. But the other thing, in her defense, what I heard, and I need to stop doing that, but I'm going to do it until we Google it, is that she was, part of her job was to record everything. He knew they were being recorded.

Yeah. He's recording it. Yes. He's recording it. Because the first one I heard the tape said, how did this bitch, like she should like work for, be the spokesperson for the who she recorded this with well she records it she records it for him and it says and then she just took his tape or he she didn't give it to him right she might have had it and didn't give it

to him but here's the deal if that's the truth then that makes it no longer a crime right because it's only a crime in california if two people uh record something and one of them doesn't know about it but as long as both of them know about it in california it's not a crime yeah no i heard it was it's his shit and i didn't i don't know if she's taping it for him but it makes kind of sense and i want it to make sense before we even google it and then she palmed it so she's not as, she is devious as far as pushing him for the questions. You know the whole, it's almost like she got pushed into it because you know the whole story.

She's getting sued. By the wife. Yeah. So this was a self-defense move. Yeah, for sure. Because, like, the wife is trying to get all the money back. Like, she bought him or she bought he bought her a condo and a bunch of other shit look at us we're like a little tmz but no no but there's

a there's a social science thing to it and my thing is like there's a bunch of people here who won't will not accept the rules of the game the wife is trying to sue like listen wife you made it to 80 or whatever with this dude and he's a billionaire there's no way that a younger chick in in the way nature works is not gonna get at your man or your man's gonna get so for you to sue one of his younger chicks that's against that's against the laws of the game for, not accepting that this young chick would fuck younger dudes, he's in denial himself. And then she, she's just crazy. Well, she's the type of girl that's willing to fuck an 80-year-old billionaire.

That's what you get. You don't, you know, either that or you go to another country. Right. And then you can't trust, if you're an 80-year-old billionaire, you can't trust a girl who's willing to fuck you with tapes. Exactly. So there's like a lot of like it's like three people fucking up. You know what I thought was the most bizarre about all of it? Apparently, I was correct in that what she as far as the most recent story is that she was supposed to record his conversations because he would say things and then forgot he said them. So he's got dementia.

He's 81 years old. He's old as fuck. So he would say crazy things and then she would record them and let him know what he said. Right. Well, in this case, somehow or another, it got leaked. How it got leaked is speculation, but he knew he was being recorded. Right. That is true.

So it's against the law to record anyone. What if they don't say anything and it's just bathroom noises and stuff? It's against the law. Still, even if they don't talk in it? Absolutely. In California. If they don't know about it, it's against the law. You're not allowed to record people.

So their essence can be, like if you just put a tape recorder down behind a toilet they don't say a word they just you know and then they leave that's still against the law even though they don't say it it's they're just their spirit being in the room the noises of them being recorded their actual physical presence being marked by the sound of their feet I think that's probably illegal really that's why they used to tape yeah you're fucking criminal so i have to say to you it's a really weird guilty as fuck why he's asking a really weird question he's like it's so specific if you take a tape and put it behind the back in burbank toilets in burbank whatever whatever and the girl might

happen to be a stripper whatever whatever i mean that's that combination is never gonna happen but if it did, and she didn't know that you were recording her pooping. That's interesting. Because I guess, so recording like... No, no, Brian, that's not interesting.

Fucking space is interesting. When you talk about that, you clam up. And you're like, oh, you can't record people pooping? No. You know what I thought was crazy about the whole thing

is that he got a $2.5 million fine. That was a max. That's a weird thing, man. A fine? Like a $2.5 million fine. I could see saying, all right, this guy's a piece of shit. He shouldn't be able to own a team in our league just because he's of such weak moral moral character let's get

rid of him the guy's a dickhead let's get rid of him but to say you're gonna you're gonna fine him for being racist like since someone's being racist like finable well that's crazy there's an nba constitution and under the constitution that's the most you could fine somebody and i don't know for the for i guess saying something detrimental against the entire league so what he said is under that so it's a two two point five was the max so that's like yeah i see it's the top that they're allowed to find anything hurting the nba can be considered they can find him for doing anything. Because he's just one team. But he's hurting the image of the whole entity. I get all that. I just don't get

how they think that they can fine someone. Getting all the other owners nervous. It sounds so crazy to fine someone from being racist. The amount that they agreed on to the entire NBA, all the owners, they probably agreed to the amount. And it's an amount that won't affect any of them.

Yeah, I bet you're right. That's the maximum amount of $2.5 million. Everybody's good? It's like we spent $2.5 just to get to this meeting. Well, they'll make $2.5 in a week. Just off the interest of all that money.

Yeah. For folks who don't even know what that means, if you have a billion dollars, you have a thousand million. And a thousand million dollars constantly reigning in percentages. If you just have some simple mutual funds that generate X amount of percent per month or X amount of percent off of your savings account. I mean, what is that if you have a savings account and you've got a billion dollars in it? I mean, how much money do you get? I mean, I know most of them don't have liquid assets like that. They keep their money in a bunch of different things. They have some liquid, some real estate. They diversify in stocks and bonds and all that other shit but just the sheer numbers that that money is generating

if you're doing it right it should be staggering they should get a million bucks a month there's nothing yeah it just comes in i'm shocked that he's just still a billionaire yeah like one he's 1.9 yeah 1.9 billion oh that's In 80 years? What the fuck has he been doing? How many bitches has he been giving money to? Buying Bentleys and shit. It's ridiculous that the wife can sue. Yeah, I don't think that suit is going to stand up. It shouldn't.

It shouldn't stand up. But it doesn't matter. She has to defend it. Who, the girl? Yeah, she has to defend it. Yeah. You know, it's one thing if you sued a divorce, you know, you can't have a 20-year-old bitch on the

side and give her fucking Ferraris. Get out of my house. I'm done with you. You fuck it. I'm suing. That makes sense. But to sue the girl because your husband gave her gifts. And your husband is standing right next to you. Are you going to skip over him and go to this chick?

That is just one of the many reasons why marriage is preposterous. It's so ridiculous. The idea is so stupid that you get linked to someone financially. You lock it in place. And if that person gives someone some shit

and you don't like it, that came from my money. No, it didn't don't like it. That came from my money. Right. No, it didn't. He spent it. But he can't spend money on whatever the fuck he wants to spend it on. If he bought a house just off some person, he just bought a house, would you say, you can't fucking buy that house? You can't stop the dude from buying a house. You might win in court and get half of his money but you can't

change what he bought you can't he bought it he bought her a fucking car he bought her a house that's that's gone that's just like that's that's how i feel yeah that's it's gone it's just like buying it from someone and uh you know and keeping it for yourself it's gone him and his wife have a really really interesting relationship just based on what I've seen. One statement, I don't know the order of the statement, one statement is like she does not condone him and I'm his estranged wife. We're not together.

Then within days of that, she's seen with him defending him. They came out of a restaurant together and she's like, he's not racist. And then I saw something today where she's glad that they took the team from him. What? So she's going back and forth. She's going back and forth. And she's obviously in his life or acting or getting, maybe she's just getting paid. And maybe she just wants the team to land in her lap or keep it. But she's maybe she's just getting paid and maybe she just wants

the team to land in a lap or keep it but it's could be yeah you never fucking know yeah you know especially an 80 year old dude who doesn't remember shit right and he's got to get a recording every time he talks you know annoying that must be for the wife yeah it's like look you stupid motherfucker this is the week we go to hawaii get your shit together let's go you know she's probably tired of him she's probably tired of all his not and then oh he's a sweetie he's not racist you leave my my my robin alone donald it's just bananas yeah he the poor bastard he's just an old senile old racist racist shithead. Yeah, and a lot of that shit is, like you said, dementia and senility. And it's like, the only thing, like when everybody wanted him to get fired,

like when it first, tapes came out, I wasn't down with that because I wasn't as offended by the tapes because it's like, what a shocker that an 80-year-old guy was racist. But when Adam Silver, is that the nba commissioner gave the speech like i was on board with the speech i went from not caring whether they fired on or not but when adam silver gave the speech and said banned for life it was not just the words but the way he delivered it that made me believe

in this guy as a commissioner right and that he wanted to fix some shit and that he was doing it he was just doing it for the just for the good of humanity and that kind of that kind of made me say okay kick him out but before before, I didn't care. Right. I don't know if you've seen the speech. I didn't see it. But I felt something. I just felt something.

I felt like some honesty and integrity there. Well, that's important, man. Look, I mean, especially important if you, look, imagine if you were the guy who was running the NBA. Right. And you weren't a racist. And you got this racist old dickhead that owns the clippers and he says some stupid shit and like you dumb motherfucker do you understand that 80 of this league is black right and you say stupid shit like that like this the

whole reason why basketball is popular is because the athletes are so fucking good do you understand that 80 of these athletes are what are black so i mean just look at the numbers you stupid fuck like you're ruining everything and then being a good human just being a good human being do you want your business to be associated imagine if you whatever you ran a a chain of comedy clubs you know and you found out that someone in your chain of comedy clubs someone who owns one of your chains was racist, was saying racist shit, you'd be like, get the fuck out of here. Get out of here.

Out. Done. I don't want this guy associated with me. You'd boot him out immediately. You'd have to feel like that if you were a person of integrity and you were running something like the NBA. But it was just like,

so Donald Sterling makes these tapes. That I can accept as, like, not surprising because that's what I expect. That's what I mean. That's what I expect. But when another rich guy, right, makes the speech that he makes and with the feeling that he makes, that's what I don't expect. Like, the honesty and the genuineness that i felt i didn't expect that but shit i want to watch it now because i've only uh i heard them making fun of it on opie and anthony oh they did that's hilarious they were crushing it they were they said that

he looked like nosferatu and it looked like he should have he should have risen behind the podium like popping out of a coffin that's so stupid yeah what is his what is his name again i think it's adam silver silver yeah nba president speech commissioner donald sterling like he just seemed upset like he really took this personally it would have been um it would have been fascinating if they didn't react it would have been fascinating like what kind of a blowback there would be i think it would be pretty substantial yeah it would have been it would have been very substantial if they didn't do something about it and it's crazy because like the clippers are like heroes now everywhere they

shell everybody goes bananas the clippers are so corny they did this uh this protest thing before one of the games where they all walk to the middle of court, water things inside out and then drop their things on the floor. And then they walked away as if they just changed civil rights. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. You ain't do shit. Like what,

what the fuck is that? It will be famous though for it. If you stop and think about it, like this is a, is the biggest civil rights. This is the biggest civil rights issue that ever has existed in modern sports. Besides Jimmy the Greek. Jimmy the Greek, I think, got railroaded.

He said some facts. He said some facts that were very uncomfortable for people. That were uncomfortable for people. I still, to this day, don't get it. What did he say? They used to breed. He didn't don't get it. Like, what did he say? They used to breed? He didn't say he did it. He said back then they bred big black bucks.

...of a conversation that allegedly included Clippers owner Donald Sterling. The NBA commenced an investigation, which among other things, included an interview of Mr. Sterling, the NBA commenced an investigation, which among other things, included an interview of Mr. Sterling. That investigation is now complete. The central findings of the investigation are that the man whose voice is heard on the recording and on a second recording from the same conversation that was released on Sunday, is Mr. Sterling, and that the hateful opinions voiced by that man are those of Mr. Sterling. The views expressed by Mr. Sterling are deeply offensive and harmful. offensive and harmful. That they came from an NBA owner only heightens the damage and my personal outrage. Sentiments of this kind are

contrary to the principles of inclusion and respect that form the foundation of our diverse, multicultural, and multi-ethnic league. I am personally distraught that the views expressed by Mr. Sterling came from within an institution that has historically taken such a leadership role in matters of race relations He's nervous. But I like that. It's okay. Requestion later. This is what they're mocking. Cooper, Sweetwater Clifton, the great Bill Russell, and particularly Magic Johnson, I apologize. I guess they were in the photos.

Is that what that was about? Those guys? I think so. Accordingly, effective immediately. I think Bill Russell was too. I am banning Mr. Sterling for life from any association with the Clippers organization

or the NBA. Mr. Sterling may not attend any NBA games or practices. He may not be present at any Clippers facility, and he may not participate in any business or player personnel decisions involving the team.

He will also be barred from attending NBA Board of Governors meetings or participating in any other league activity. I like it. I like that he did it. You know why I like it. I like that he did it. You know why I like that he did it? Because fuck old dickheads like that. Just fuck a dude who thinks like that. Right.

Who cares? Get rid of him. Yeah. It's not like he's hurting. It's not like he's casting out anyone out in the street. Yeah. You're just saying your league doesn't tolerate racism. And even by financially penalizing him $2.5 million, which is a pittance to a wealthy man like that, that fucking team is going to be worth an ass load of money.

And they're going to sell it, and guess who makes the money? Donald fucking Sterling. So by this whole controversy, his team's probably way more valuable. And he's selling the team at the peak. This is the best his team has ever been. Oprah. The only way, she's not buying it. No.

No. The only way that it's not going to work is if people get together and decide, you know what, fuck this dude. Nobody buy the Clippers. Make him get rid of it. Make him sell it to the lowest bidder. Clippers, make him get rid of it, make him sell it to the lowest bidder, and make sure that nobody bids more than $100 for the fucking Clippers. Just make sure that he gets it for the highest bidder, but that people make an agreement.

I can own it then. I don't know how the players are going to get paid after that. You're going to have to figure out a way. My retarded idea has got a lot of holes in it. There's a lot of holes in it. But if you could, I mean, if you really wanted

to come up with, yeah, if people really wanted to collude and come up with one, is that illegal? What happens if we do that? That shit's illegal as hell.

Yeah. You can't collude. That's like anti-practice, right? Or anti-fair. Yeah, anti-something. Something.

Yeah, there's probably some collusion penalties that you would incur. But if you can get people, all the rich dudes, with money, say, you know what, we're not buying a clipper. This guy's not going to get any money from us. Then the players are fucked.

You know what the only problem with that is? It's like property. It's like if somebody buys a house next to you for $50, then the value of your shit goes down. That's true. Then the other NBA owners are going to be like, nah. They're powerful enough to. Yeah.

Sell it to a charity and then rich guy buys it from the charity. If someone says like the NBA says like they want $500 million for the Lakers. They go $500 million. You know, the Clippers sold for a hundred bucks. You guys are being crazy. We don't mind you making a little money, but this is disrespectful. Treat me like I'm an idiot. You don't think I read the paper?

Oh, there was special circumstances. There's no special circumstances, bro. Your shit goes down, too. Yeah, you don't. They will give you a million. How about a million? How about one million? That's a lot of money to do that.

We're giving it away. It's tough to get a million dollars. And, hey, this is not. You know, we have fucking expenses. We've got to pay the trainer, and this fucking basketball court needs wax. It's a lot of money involved in owning a goddamn team it's not like we're just gonna be making money hand over fist they would fuck the whole thing up man this is what jimmy the greek said he said black people are better athletes he said black people are better athletes um

i don't know i think he's right i think he's right is that right i think he's right of course he's right he's he's at least 80 right yeah this is what he said this is the quote the quote is a little you know it's a little sketch but we're talking about 1988 too by the way jimmy the greek wouldn't last five minutes today today. They would catch him on cell phones. It's outrageous shit. You know, a couple of whiskeys in him, eating a hoagie. It says, the black is a better athlete to begin with because he's been bred to be that way. Can we just stop there?

That's one of the black. The black is a problem. The black is a problem. I like where he's going, but the black is a problem. Yeah, can you like where he's going But the black is a problem Yeah can you imagine If some like Louis Farrakhan guy The white

Yeah the white I was referring to people The white believes He's of a high breed Yeah Because He was not bred to be Because of the high thighs

And big thighs That goes up Into his back. And they can jump higher and run faster because of their bigger thighs. And he's bred to be the better athlete because this goes back all the way to the Civil War. When during the slave trade, the slave owner would breed the big black to his big woman. So that he could have a big black kid. So the facts are there.

But. That's pretty much what Leslie's thing was. Articulation. Articulation is. A little on the crude side. Yeah, on the crude side. Yeah. Yeah.

So apparently he was on the network talking about giving the inside scoop on gambling. That's what he used to do. And he did it for 12 years. And he said that, and that's where they ended it for him. Yeah, it was a wrap. CBS fired him. And no, I don't think anybody ever hired him after that. No.

It was tough. He went down. Yeah. And did he die? Yeah, he eventually died. Yeah. He died, like, broken. Like, he couldn't associate with people that he used to talk to every day

and everything that he loved, the sport, you know, was taken from him. He died way back in 96. At 77 years of age. That's fucking crazy. It's amazing how one. He died way back in 96. At 77 years of age. That's fucking crazy. It's amazing how one thing too, man. One thing. If you say something like that. You can say some stupid shit.

But if you say something that people think is a racist thing. And you get stuck. Paula Deen. Paula Deen. Yeah, well, sort of. Everything's gone for her. Nah, not really. She's still doing fucking tours and selling books.

That doesn't seem to have affected her as much. She's got some tour that they were just making fun of on some website. I mean, she lost like over 100 sponsors. Did she? Yeah, and her restaurant, I think, is closed now. Oh, she had a restaurant? Yeah. That's where all this happened.

Are you sure that it's closed? Find out. Well, Google the repercussions suffered by Paula Deen. I wonder if it's different today, too, because you could go on, like, a website and you could sort of, like, apologize or argue your position or tell, say, you know. Like, did you see that Jeremy Clarkson thing? No, I was there. Pull up that.

Brian, abandon that for a moment and pull up Jeremy Clarkson fined for using the N-word or in trouble for using the N-word. That's the guy in England. Yeah. He ain't mean in my name. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was stupid.

Oh, he's an idiot. Well, these guys have done this before. I mean, I think he's a hilarious guy sometimes, but they've said some really racist shit. Pull it up. I'm sure. He got on TV and apologized. He made it on YouTube, and he apologized for this thing.

Jeremy Clarkson is one of the BBC's best-known and well-paid anchors. He fronts Top Gear, which is a popular car programme, which last year became the most widely watched factual TV show in the world. Here in the UK, Clarkson is known for his edgy humour, but this time he may have gone too far. Video of Clarkson apparently using racist language has been leaked to the British media. In this snippet, you can hear him mumble the N-word. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. When he squeals, let him go. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. The clip was filmed several years ago and it was never broadcast and Clarkson initially denied using the term at all. But after the video was posted online, he apologised and asked for forgiveness. Please be assured I did everything in my power to not use that word.

And... ..that I'm sitting here begging your forgiveness for the fact that, obviously, my efforts weren't quite good enough. The BBC has issued a statement saying it made it absolutely clear to him the standards that the BBC expects on air and off. We've left him in no doubt about how seriously we view this. Okay. Here's one interesting thing about the editing of Clarkson's apology,

is that what he said was that he did it three times. He did three takes. Yes, I saw it. And in one of the takes, he tried to say the, and it sounded like that, and he sent a letter to them making sure that the editors didn't put that in so they didn't that was 2012 so it's just sort of coming out now but um i didn't even i i always thought it was tiger what do you mean catch a tiger by the toe oh tiger i never so you've seen that before no the fucking nursery rhyme oh yeah my daughters

use it. Yeah. That's how they pick. They get a little cup full of water before they go to bed at night. It's like a little ritual. They like drinking water before they go to bed. And they want to choose which one they get. So each night, one of them will get to eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

So they'll go eeny, meeny, miny, moe. But it's catch a tiger. I've never heard. That's how I always thought it. I never even heard it. When you're saying this, you're talking about like the original original like this is like a a jim crow slavery nursery rhyme well i don't think it is i mean he's using it as one but i've always heard it is catch a tiger by the toe and you could add a racist word to anything yeah yeah i've always heard that but

this might go back that far that might be where he actually got it from. It might be because he's in England. In England, if it does go back all the way to England. I mean, it might have been one of those things like powdered wigs that got over here. Got over here, we swapped it around. Like, let's make it tigers. You shouldn't, you know? But he's also said a lot of dumb racist shit before they were

slagging on mexicans in the worst way ever once they were just generally talking about uh making a mech it was about making a mexican car and then and they were joking around about could you imagine being born a mexican you know what would it be like to be a mexican there's really bad jokes it was pull that shit up pull it pull it up the um top gear mexican remarks it was really gross man because it was so obvious that they were trying to set up jokes right it was real obvious like for as a comic is it's awkward to watch because it's real clunky and then the payoff is just racist it's racism fuck just total racism there wasn't anything good about it a mexican car because cars reflect national characteristics don't they so german cars are sort of built and efficient

italian cars a bit flamboyant and quick mexican cars are just going to be a lazy, feckless, flat-chip-and-toe-toe. Leaning against a fence asleep, looking at a cactus with a blanket with a hole in the middle on as a coat. Keep it going. Keep it going because it gets crazier. Oh, it's edited. Feckless. So, yeah. Oh, it gets crazier.

It says you got the wrong one. If you try to find where that goes on from... Here's the lively version. They shouldn't have that crap. I've said some racist shit before, but this is offensive. Well, to pull it ahead of Sir, because we already heard... Italian cars are a bit flamboyant and quick. Mexican sports car is £33,000.

That isn't enough. No, I know it isn't enough, because somebody's paid for that to be developed and it's got to be shipped. That's 800 quid for the car there. Oh, you say that, though, but they do say in their blurb it's got rack and pinion steering. Wow, it's got steering?

I'm sorry, but just imagine waking up and remembering you're Mexican. That's what I'm talking about. Wow. It'd be brilliant, because you could just go straight back to sleep again. Oh, I'm a Mexican. Oh, I'm a Mexican. Oh, I'm going to do all day.

That's why we're not going to get any complaints about this because the Mexican embassy, the ambassador is going to be sitting there with a remote control like this. They won't complain. It's fine. Happy single. Unbelievable. So unbelievable. Is today Cinco de Mayo?

Yeah. Whoops. Yeah, this guy. My Mexican friends do not tolerate this. He's been saying racist shit. That show's been saying racist shit. I think it's a good show. They say funny shit.

Jeremy Clarkson's hilarious. But that, you know, maybe this is a different attitude over there. Maybe it's a cultural thing. I think it's a superiority complex. Yeah. For sure. Just the fact that, i guess when when did that episode air a couple years ago i think and no blowback there was some blowback but not enough

to cancel it they just said it was the number one show reality show in the world essentially non-scripted show in the world but it is scripted it's obviously scripted that was all scripted all that shit i mean did they say non-fiction is that what they said whatever it is non-fiction non-scripted that was so obviously scripted it was gross and that whole thing of imagine waking up and remembering you're mexican that is a crazy thing to say stone cold say that to oscar de la joya you know say that's that's the most ridiculous thing to say ever the idea that that would be enough to be a joke like a setup and a punchline and the audience was laughing too so it's like what's i don't even like when mexican comics make mexican

jokes you know um uh anthony bourdain put a Tumblr blog entry recently, like yesterday, about Mexico. About how crazy is it that we love Mexican food. We love their style of clothing. We love a lot of their architecture. We love all these different things about Mexico that come from Mexico, but we don't love Mexico. Like, what is it that Mexico has this negative uh connotation it just goes into like how important their culture has been food wise how whenever he worked at a restaurant it was always the Mexicans that hooked him up and helped him out and some of the hardest working people he's ever met

and the most dedicated to to cooking and all these different things and he made this great point like what the fuck is it about us that has this weird prejudice towards Mexico and Mexican people when so much great shit has come from that culture? Like, clearly it's a country that's in turmoil financially and leadership-wise and the drug war and all that. I mean, there's obviously problems with Mexico. But to ignore all the amazing shit that they've created.

And, I mean, just go all the way back to when the Aztecs were building these gigantic fucking pyramids here, these beautiful structures. Go back to the Mayans. Essentially, all that eventually became the people of Mexico. If you go down to Chichen Itza, where the Mayan temple is, you still see people that are, they're Mayan, man. I mean, you can call them Mexican if you want, but they're like four foot five, and they have these crazy, like, long, like American Indian-looking faces.

Like, they look very different. Like, there's some people down, like, in the Yucatan that they're essentially descendants of the Mayans, man. I mean, that is a part of Mexican culture. And Anthony Bourdain makes a really interesting point about that. That's a dope article. I'm going to stop being racist. Nah, he's right as far as that article is concerned.

It's just, you know, I think racism is like the main ingredient to it is insecurity. And just in anything, even in comedy or anything, people always find a way to put themselves above another person. Sometimes that involves color and race. And sometimes people with money, there might be somebody else the same color and they they have more money, and they'll find a way to put them down. So there's classism. It's all rooted in insecurity, and it could do a lot of damage. It's just fucked up. It is fucked up.

And you know what else you see is a weird place? You see it with famous people. You ever be hanging around with a couple of famous dudes, and a more famous person will walk in and just trump the famous person? couple of famous dudes and a more famous person will walk in and just trump the famous person like you ever have to do one of those like fox events where all these like actors all get together and they're like they have like a like almost like a pecking order yeah and they'll they'll treat the other ones like shit because this one's on a tv show right these two guys i watched these two guys argue once and one of them was a an actor who did films and the other one was an actor who did television and the actor who did films was saying no no no you do shit i do films

don't say you do what i do and they were like looking at each other like he was like saying you do you do television i do films and they were they were bitching at each other and that's what they were using the one guy was holding over the TV star's head that he's a loser. He's fucked up. He has a fucking TV show and some dude's calling him a loser. I can understand if he was talking to a soap opera star, but come on, man. Right. Even if he were. Did you hear about that soap opera star that did ayahuasca and he fucking

quit his job? Oh, for real? Yeah. Some dude on Days of Our Lives was like, fuck this. He did ayahuasca, tripped his balls off. He got opened up. Yeah, he got opened way the fuck up. He came back and he said, this is just nonsense. I'm not doing this anymore.

Right. Yeah, there he is. Quit Days of Our Lives. How long has he been on there? I don't know. If he's been on there. They all want to quit though, man. I had a buddy who was on a soap opera for a long time.

He fucking hated it. He'd rather not work than be on a soap opera for a long time. He fucking hated it. He'd rather not work than be on a soap opera. Why did he do it? Keep doing it. He was trying to be an actor. And, you know, when you're trying to be an actor and you have the choice, you can work as a bartender or you can work as a soap star. You're like, well, you know what?

A lot of people have made it from soap star to legitimate. Made the leap. But there's a certain amount of time. You can only, you have to bail like as far as like the the industry classism i think they look at you if you're on a soap for too long they go this motherfucker's a soap it's like the fat guy thing yeah he's talking about they know you for being a soap opera actor listen you you've been a villain on this soap opera it's's been amazing for 50 years. And you're going to continue to do that.

Like, no, no, no, I'm about to break out. I'm about to go mainstream. No, we don't allow it. We don't allow it. I get that. I get that, too. Do you? Yeah.

Not the villain thing, but, like, when I went to Montreal the last time, two years ago. The Comedy Festival. Comedy Festival. It didn't matter how good I did. They were looking at 25-year-olds and anybody who was older, who was a star. If you fell in the middle like me,

Zex ran over you. Really? Like you're done. You didn't do it at the time. It was just that. But if you were 25 and had one good joke in your in your set then it's it was it's like the youth rush that's interesting and but it was it was

good for me to see that and i was like that and a few other things is like all right i gotta figure out a way to get my shit together that's really fascinating man so that's just like what they're selling right they're just trying to sell they're trying to sell young right yeah they are they're selling youth and uh my manager spoke to my ex-agent when my like i had the agent before i had the manager and my manager's like we got to get ian more money for these college gigs or these shows. And my agent told my manager, Ian's time has passed. It's the most you can get for him. Whoa. Funny, didn't matter, nothing.

You know what's really stupid about that? All the things that you do as an art form. Being a comedian, being young is probably the least important because being older, you're going to have more knowledge. You're going to have more opinions on things. You'll recognize bullshit easier. You'll see the bullshit in yourself. You'll recognize it.

You become so much better as you get older as a comic that the young guys, like, man, when I was 21, I always say this. I sucked. I was a terrible comedian. And one of the reasons why I was a terrible comedian is fucking everybody's terrible when they're 21. Right. You might have a couple of good jokes. You might have a couple of hee-hees and ha-has. When you start making points, if you're making any points about anything and you're 21, nobody wants to listen to you, dude.

You're too dumb. There's very few people that are 21 years old that can carry a nuanced point on stage in front of a room full of strangers about a controversial issue and say it in a way that's going to make everybody laugh hysterically. It's rare. You got your rare Chappelle's. You got your rare, you know, I'm sure Eddie Murphy when he was young

was crushing it. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't as like, same deep, poignant. But he was just, he had that natural funny ability. He was killing it. But for the most part,

most 21-year-olds are dog shit. They're just dog shit they're kids they don't know anything yeah but but but but the the bill the business doesn't care it's like and to me funny is young as long as you're funny it's young like people just want to laugh and if you're funny they don't give a fuck how old you are like Like this guy, like when I was a kid, I was watching Benny Hill because he was fucking funny. Yeah. His age never mattered to me. But now they're making that shit matter.

Well, I think they want to sell you like a symbol, you know, that girls are going to get into you. It's going to be like when Dane Cook was in his MySpace Prime, you know, they're going to flock to see your shows. Oh, my God. And you got to admit that that's an attractant, whether it's as a singer, it's an attractant as an actor,

and it could be as a comedian too. But not if you're really into stand-up comedy. And if you're really into stand-up comedy, you go to see Louis C.K. He's in his 40s, he's fat, and he's hilarious. And he's attracting everybody you're trying to get to attract. Exactly. To be attracted to those 20-something-year-olds.

And when he was 30, he wasn't doing so well. Right. So when he was, you know, he's probably like, I think he's older than me. I'm 46. So I think he's 47 or something like that. So when he was, you know, 36, 37, nobody gave a fuck about him. It's the sort of same situation and now look boom you know arguably the number one comic in the world so and then you got david tell better now

than ever right better now than ever and he's 50 and there's rock still going and still going and there's just tons of people yeah even fucking jerry seinfeld he's like 62 right you know i mean when a comic learns how to be a comic i keep keep hearing, and I need to see him to see it myself. Like Bill Cosby? Yes! Yes. I hear the same shit.

I need to see him too. Let's go see him together. Let's go see him together. Let's go see him. Okay. Let's find out when he is. Because I keep hearing. Yeah.

I keep hearing that. Yeah. I keep hearing it. He's killing it. I keep hearing it. He's killing it. And I'm hearing it from people outside show business. I held it from a dude I know in Austin.

He has nothing to do with show business. And he was telling me, he's like, me and my friends went to see Bill Cosby. I'm like, what was it like? He's like, dude. He goes, you wouldn't believe it, man. He goes, he's telling these stories. And at first, you're like, man, these fucking stories are taking a long time. He goes, and then five minutes in you are fucking crying

laughing and then you realize how he's tying all these stories in together and you're like i'm watching a master doesn't have an opening act goes on stage by himself right he does like 90 minutes two hours just him himself and it's captivating that's the shit i've been hearing keep hearing it i don't hear anybody saying it's bad nobody. I'm hearing over and over again that it's killer. He's like 80 years old and he's getting street reviews. Yeah, what the fuck, man? It's all like word of mouth. That's amazing. Like word of mouth is like an underground young band coming up.

So that's what I'm saying. Funny transcends. Like you're hearing the same thing I'm hearing. Then I have a few friends that went to see him and they're like, you got to see him. And it's on one of my list of things to go see. It's like going to Coachella. I got to go see this dude. Yeah, we got to see him before.

Okay, check this out. I think I'm going to be in Vegas when he's there. Oh, shit, Ian. Hold on a second. There's a UFC on the 24th, and Bill Cosby is in Vegas on the 23rd. Oh, shit. Perfect. Treasure Island showroom.

Please tell me you want to go. I'll come out there. Fuck yeah. I'm not in Vegas, so I'll drive out there. Dude, you come out there with me, man. All right, cool. Come out there with me. If you want, I'll get you tickets to the UFC, too.

It's next day. I'll do that, too. Boom. It's a weekend. Do you want to see Cosby? Fuck yeah. I'd love to see Cosby. Do you have the attention span?

Yes. I've actually wanted to see Cosby? Fuck yeah. I'd love to see Cosby. Do you have the attention span? Yes. I've actually wanted to see that. But it's not really stand-up, is it, though? It's kind of like a one-man play. I don't know. I don't even want to judge what it is. I don't know what it is. But I need to find out if I can get tickets for that.

It's funny. I wanted to defend what it is. And I don't even know. Yeah. All right. We'll talk about this after. But I'm psyched now that I know that this is a possibility. And it's a night I have't even know. Yeah. All right. We'll talk about this after but I'm psyched now that I know that this is a possibility

and it's a night I have off. It's perfect because I have the weigh-ins during the day and then the night time I have off but it's probably like a six o'clock show.

Is there any tickets available? Old people probably fall asleep. It says 8 p.m. Oh shit, they're staying awake. Oh my God, who's there next week? Men see ya.

Right after Bill Cosby. Happy birthday, Curtis. birthday yeah that is ironic as fuck look at that oh shit that's so funny and then mencia because he took a mencia took a cosby joke exactly that's what sunk him yeah that's it look that was the final nail in the coffin when people saw him do a bill cosby bit that's hilarious i wonder what bill thinks when he sees that. He probably doesn't even know. He probably didn't even fucking hear about the video. He probably has no idea that MNC got busted stealing his joke. He probably has no idea.

I doubt he pays attention at all. But apparently, the motherfucker keeps writing, and I say motherfucker with all due respect, sir. Is there a ticket still available? I don't know. We'll find out after the show. I don't want to be investigating during the program. But I think that's a great idea, sir. Is there a ticket still available? I don't know. We'll find out after the show. I don't want to be investigating during the program. But I think that's a great idea, man.

I really need to see it because I keep hearing it, man. Chris Rock was the first one I heard it from. Yeah, he said that shit too. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Seinfeld said it. Yeah, Chris Rock was fascinating, man. He was shaking his head.

He goes, I felt like I was like an amateur when I watched that guy up there. He goes, I felt like I was an amateur. I was like, wow, that's crazy. And he goes out there with no opening act, does like an hour and a half by himself, said it was amazing. I was like, wow, that's incredible. You know, it's one thing if this guy who's my friend in Austin says it. But when that guy says exactly the same thing as Chris Rock, you got to listen.

You got to go, there's something that's going on here. And I would assume Chris Rock is pretty critical. How do you not be? I mean, he's an icon for sure. Like, I've heard people say there's some old dudes

that were really funny that really weren't funny. Right. You know, there was a few guys, oh my God, you've never seen him, he's hilarious.

And you see him, it's dog shit. He's just an old dude that people like. And people don't want to say nothing bad about him. they don't want to say. I'd be disappointed

if this didn't live up to it. Now we put all this hype behind it. We're going to have to get drunk. Yeah, I got to see it. We're going to have to get hammered to make it even better and then embarrass ourselves afterwards by trying to meet him and getting shut down. That's hilarious. We went to see Dice backstage.

We went to see Dice, rather, at the Riviera, which is one of the best places to see him because it's all old school and it's upstairs. And it was Jim Norton and Anthony Cumia and Brian and me. And we all had off. Nobody had to work. So it was a treat just to be able to sit there and watch Dice. And then we went backstage and was talking to him. And I'm like, this might be one of the coolest things I've ever done.

Oh, shit. Gone to see a show and then gone backstage to hang out with dice clay like after a show in vegas it was really cool but dice knows me bill cosby would just kick us right the fuck out scrubs fuck out of here you yeah jelly pudding especially if red man's to start doing his old shit there. We're definitely going to get kicked out. Get off of Rudy.

Could you imagine if you did that in his room? He would beat you to death. That would be what sinks Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby beats Brian Redman to death with a lamp. He picks up a lamp and breaks it over your head and stabs you in the neck with the broken pieces. Is there even any footage of Bill Cosby versus Heckler? I would love to see what his response to that would be. They probably don't allow Hecklers at his shows.

They probably close in on those fucking people so quick. Yeah, he's not doing that kind of comedy he's doing the kind of comedy where it's like these long monologues that are stories you know that he's crafted and you know and molded to like the perfect amount of words he you know he used to um it's kind of fascinating i mean now he's doing shows obviously if you go to billcosby.com there's a lot of shows he's got a lot of shows planned out like over and over like may 9th he's got two shows in a night on may 9th may 10th he's got a show may 11th may i mean he's he's amazing that he's working like i don't think if i had his money there's no way i'd still be doing i think he enjoys it but he's got it what i'm hearing is

or what i was hearing before he was doing all these shows was that he would go and do like uh like a tonight show or a letterman appearance one of those type of things he didn't even practice the material he would just write it he would write it himself and he would work on it himself and then he would go onto these shows and just do it the first time he was doing it was on live tv and they would say you know don't you go to the comedy clubs and practice like i know how to do comedy like his in his, he knew how to discern what was good and what was bad, craft it all himself, and then release it into the wild. Yeah, he had enough practice. And he trusted himself.

And I guess he's honest enough with himself to say, this is funny, this is not funny. Yeah, that's fascinating in and of itself. That's an interesting point of view. I mean, I guess you get to a certain level. It sounds ballsy, right? Fuck yeah a certain level. It sounds ballsy, right? Fuck yeah, it does. It sounds ballsy. But you should, like you said, when you get to a certain age, you should know.

But it still sounds ballsy on a point that I'm definitely not at. Yeah, real, real, real ballsy. But he also got in some trouble, man. He had to settle a lawsuit. Someone accusing him of, there was like some drug thing drugging some date rape pill yeah young girls again man sexual assault allegations doesn't matter who you are you cannot escape vagina it will get you it will get you man maybe we answer the question like why is he still doing stand-up pay off these suits pay off these suits that's probably a big factor and then on top of that probably because he could still get some

pussy on the road yeah i mean he's still bill cosby imagine bill cosby man it's still nothing better than road pussy isn't that amazing that's ridiculous could you imagine if that was the case if you pulled him aside and you say bill it amazing that you're still doing all these shows. Like, what's up? I got two words for you. Road pussy. Road pussy. And he gives you knuckles.

Give me the impression. Do it. What is it? Road pussy. And I'm not even an impressionist, so that's a terrible Bill Cosby. It's better than mine. That's what I've never tried to do. Jell-O pudding.

I sound like Red Fox. Oh, man. I need to rethink my Cosby impression. Yeah, he's on stage. It's just some fascinating shit. He's got a hearing aid on. Oh, shit. It's just somebody reading him the lines.

Well, lookit. He's got this thing. I mean, it looks like a hearing aid. I mean, what is that? He's old, man. Damn. Yeah. Son, he's old. Yeah. I mean, he's like a hearing aid. I mean, what is that? He's old, man. Damn. Yeah. He's old.

Yeah. I mean, he's got this wired thing. Maybe it's so he could hear what the audience is hearing. It might be that. Is that his microphone? Because does he have a mic in front of him? I don't know. It's hard to tell.

It's a weird picture. It doesn't look like a microphone in his hand unless he uses a really tiny microphone. What if he lip syncs the whole thing? Could you imagine if he does? Because he's so old, that's how he does it. Yeah, he does it like Britney Spears does commercials. Or like she does concerts. Can you imagine if a guy lip syncs

stand-up? Has anyone ever done that before? That's hilarious. That would be so hard to do. That would be so hard to do. To lip sync your stand-up. I do it different every night. There's no way I'd be able to lip sync it.-up because you I do a different every night mm-hmm there's no way I'd be able to lip sync it like it never glass drops yeah you keep going and play it off you didn't hear it places on fire you're

still going I'm gonna do my act in the back if you don't burn alive please laugh people are running out the door they They hear a soundtrack. This is a fucking laugh track. No one's laughing. We're on fire. And then I was like, hi, mom. It'll be funny shit. I'm sure someone's done it. Has anybody ever juiced the audience before?

Has anybody ever used a laugh track while they're on stage? Oh, that sounds disgusting. That's hilarious. Must have been done. Must have been done Must have been done Somebody must have done it If you can think of it Somebody must have done it

People are always accusing people of planting Putting a plant in the audience Like a guy who heckles Says something stupid so the guy on stage Can have the perfect thing to say to him Like that guy wasn't He's a plant They planted him in the audience

Now I'm sure that's happened Because I've heard of it happening In like sort of like fake like performance art type scenarios and shows. But I know it happens when you watch most Comedy Central specials. You could hear the cheap can. Like, why can't Comedy Central use better canned laughter? So they have canned laughter, you think, that they do like over their stand up specials? Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Like if you listen,

you could hear like all the audiences from all the specials sound the same, which is impossible. Yeah. It's impossible. Like they all laugh

the same way. There's that one show that uses the young stand-ups and the whole audience is just canned laughter. No way. And what's really suck is I don't want to say this, I guess... Don't say it. All right, I won't say this show, stand-ups and the whole audience is just canned laughter no way and it's what's really suck is

i don't want to say this i guess don't say all right i want to say the show but but i guess because there was even jokes that were so dumb that you can't you can't even you know that there's no one going to be laughing at this and it just explodes like they just you know got off stage and you're just like what the fuck is this shit wow and it's edited to where the audience like is still laughing but it goes on to like the next choke like it's just how it's edited you could just tell the name of the show i don't want to say the name of the show yeah you don't have to say the name that's kind of fucked up right that's uh oh boy that's one of those weird like what's the line what's deceptive and what is just editing?

When you start adding laughter to a comedy show, like a laugh track on a sitcom is okay for some reason. Why is that? Why the fuck is a laugh track? That's not okay either. It's not okay. That shit's gross. It gets annoying, too, especially when there's laughter where you know that's not a joke. Yeah.

If you want to know how stupid it is, watch one of those Disney shows. One of those Disney shows where there's a laugh. Oh, the kid ones. And the guy comes in with the flip-flops on. You're like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And everybody's like, woo. If you want to know how stupid it is, watch one of those Disney shows. One of those Disney shows where there's a laugh. And the guy comes in with the flip-flops on. You're like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And everybody's like, woo. The really bad laugh track scenes are offensive.

They hurt. It's insulting. They're insulting. It's offensive. You hurt the culture. Anybody who can listen to this and really believe that that's real laughter is either very, very young, which is rude because you're doing like a shitty, shitty joke on children or they're idiots. So those are the two options. Either someone's really young and you're treating them like they're fools and you're giving them bad entertainment and giving them really low standards to behave by or you're making movies and shows for idiots and yeah they're definitely giving them like low standards to live by for sure oh they

don't give a fuck man like they don't trust they just don't trust like you know like make something good just put it out there and then trust it but it's also that there's a lot of dummies out there that like bad shit there's just a lot of that man a lot of thesemies out there that like bad shit. There's just a lot of that, man. A lot of these sitcoms that are really, like Brian Callum was over at my house, and we were talking about a sitcom that he did, and he was just shaking his head. He was like, it's so bad. He goes, I'm doing this show. I can't fucking believe that this is a sitcom.

I can't believe how bad it is. And he did like a couple of episodes, and he was telling me about it. He was like, the people, they're convincing themselves. He goes, the actors on the set are laughing, and the show does well on TV. And he's like, it's shit. It's terrible. And I was like, what is that? And he goes, I don't know.

We were trying to figure it out. I'm like, is there just a lot of really dumb motherfuckers out there, and that just hits their frequency? Right. And so there's these clever people that know the right frequency for dumb people you know where would i be without you honey probably nowhere good night fade to black let's shut the bed off martin whatever it is man it's popular well there's you know there's there's you know there's there's no lack of stupid people in this world. Like when I was watching, like, I think it was on E! years ago, like maybe even 10 years ago when they was talking about Gilligan's Island

and people used to write in and say, please rescue those people off the island. Like ain't anybody going to help? Like real letters. I'm not even making this up. It's real letters. Oh, yeah. No, I'm sure.

People were worried about them. We're watching them every week. I know they helped them, George. They're out there on that island by themselves. It's going to be a monsoon out there. We need to help those people. There's a monsoon. Gilligan's a nice boy. people raise kids yeah they raise kids to

go out there and harass your kids yeah yeah well this but do you think that a show that's a dumb show actually influences the culture enough to have an effect on it because if that's the case and i'm guilty too for fear factor if if there if a show can be so dumb and lower standards so much in its delivery and the shitty jokes and the canned laughter and just this low RPM entertainment and sucks you into its fucking maw of soap opera stupidity. Is it possible that that can actually lower a collective intelligence of any part of a culture? Well, it won't improve it. So, you can go where you want to go from there.

Wah, wah. And I don't think, like, I've heard you being hard on Fear Factor before but that shit was interesting well it was definitely a little different in it's stupidity but it's still stupidity yeah but here's the thing

about Fear Factor it was you're at home putting yourself in these people's situation like in the day. And you're wondering. Anything that makes you kind of say, could I do that? And you watch somebody go through it and do it.

It's just. There's something interesting about Fear Factor that I wouldn't just brush off. Yeah, no, I agree with you in a certain way. There's an ingredient in there that's that's important that you know that that people can use on other things but there's something definitely there to make people keep watching it's not even the the 50 it wasn't even when somebody won it and it got to fifty thousand dollars it's the they did all this even if you you can look at it there's different types of people that watched it to say these people are stupid or i can't believe this person just ate that or did that people or just just the interesting things

that people go through watching people go through yeah what they're gonna go through to do it's just there's a lot of shit there man well there's the psychological battles that are going on we see people trying to eat blended rats and climb up buildings and fucking terrified of heights or swim when they can't swim there's a lot of psychological shit going on and then there's also just the fact that they really are whatever they're doing as ridiculous as it is they really are competing right it's a human competition whenever you watch any sort of competition it becomes compelling right because you try to figure out what you would do, and you get caught up. Like we were talking about, what was the dude's name that we were saying?

Clark? Living Clark's life? Was it Clark? Oh, yeah. What do we call him? Carl? Carl. If you're living Carl's life, what's compelling about it, besides the fact that you get to experience someone else's life,

is you probably get your own mind as well to think, fuck, would I do this? Oh, my God, I mean, Carl's crazy. I can't believe he's going to fuck this chick. He doesn't even have a condom. Carl, you're crazy. Just because Chase closed the condom store down doesn't mean you're supposed to just fuck. Yeah, watch Carl do the crazy shit that you would never do,

like to live vicariously. And, you know, that's what that, you know, Fairfactor gave people an experience man it was definitely an experience for me it was surreal because i you know it was there while it was all happening going i can't even believe and then i watched it on tv and i just leave my house shaking my head i can't believe i'm a part of this like as i was doing it i was like this is the most ridiculous shit of all time i can't believe this is a job plus plus like it's like a survivor like when survivor

first came on i said i'm gonna watch this shit tonight and laugh at how dumb this thing is but the execution of the first episode blew my mind yeah and i watched the entire season i agree i was like and i think you guys had good execution they definitely know what they were doing yeah david herwitz and matt kunitz the two two dudes that were in charge of the whole thing, they knew what the fuck they were doing. They both have done TV for the longest time. But I think that helps for sure. There's something about watching people compete that's so fucking compelling.

That's why people like sports. That's why people like watching basketball. That's why people like watching MMA. People love watching people compete. That'll never never end and then it was attractive people too and people who were like oh that's the person from next door whatever that's worth because people like the normal person right and then the real world was hot so it's like these are all the people who auditioned for real world and didn't get on it they can do they can do a half hour of eating dick yeah like you think about how weird it is that we like watching people compete so much we'll watch people run yeah running is one of the most

boring fucking things you could ever watch a person do left right left right no golf at least varies a little bit more than running like the the best thing that can happen as far as excitement goes, obviously the worst thing to the person, but the best thing for the viewer is watching a race where a bunch of people fall on top of each other. One person stumbles. It's the worst or the best? It's the worst for the people involved.

Right. But at home you're like, oh, shit, this is crazy. The casual person who doesn't have anything invested in the race would be their heart rate would go up if I saw a bunch, 30 people fall and pile on top of each other in the beginning of a marathon. Yeah, all of a sudden the interest in it goes up. They would be on TV every fucking 15 minutes for 24 hours. You would see those people trip and fall on top of each other. A terrible start today to the Boston Marathon.

Just a year from the tragic terrorist event, we got a pileup at the finish line. A bunch of people just stumble on top of each other and break hips and twist ankles. They would play that shit over and over and over. They're still looking for a fucking plane. It's on the news every day, all day long, a fucking plane that disappeared seven weeks ago. There's no story. There's no information that's new. There's no pictures.

There's no story. There's no information that's new. There's no pictures. There's no metal. Every day, a new chapter in the Malaysian Airlines search. Week 8. The news milked that for ratings. They don't care about those people. The craziest milking of all time. Just like the Jodi Harris trial.

It's like, why? They made us, I didn't care, but they made people care about the results of this case is jodi eris was she hot is she the chick she was hot which one is she she was she was hot for a murderer she murdered her boyfriend oh and then the one that the year before the year before so the missing plane is just jodi eris or the the thing they slipped in slipped in place of there's no Katrina, so let's do the plane. There's no hot chick has killed her man. Like some regular people have killed their man, so let's do the plane.

Yeah, how many regular people killed their man in between the time where Jodi Arias killed her man in a plane crash? Probably a lot. Yeah, but they're not hot. They're not hot. They didn't have good PR. They didn't get out there. They didn't have good PR. I used to do a joke about Manson,

about how Manson is like the Bob Hope of serial killers. That's hilarious. The Bob Hope. Everybody says Bob Hope is a comedian, but when I was a kid, Bob Hope never made me laugh. I'm not laughing. Stupid.

I get Charlie Chaplin. I understood the Three Sturges. Bob Hope, I would be like, what are you laughing at? But when you talk about serial killers, everybody's like, oh, he's fucking Manson. The guy's like Manson.

I'd beat the fuck out of Manson. If Manson ever talked shit to me, if he got crazy with me, I would fuck Manson up. He's like five feet tall. He weighs 100 pounds. He didn't even kill anybody. He got other people to kill people for him.

He got Tex Watson to do all the murders and all those other squeaky from who tried to kill Gerald Ford. I'm not scared of Manson. But I was like, during the whole time, there's been all these serial killers that have killed way more people and you never hear about them. And the joke was that Henry Lee Lucas, he's the guy that they made that movie Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer about. He was with um the dude from walking dead the brother not the guy not the guy who shoots the crossbows but his brother you remember that okay i know you're talking about the one that's hands missing yes that guy he played henry lee lucas and my kenry lee lucas killed 60 fucking people and everyone's mansion

he's like mansion the guys are he goes no what do i have to do to get a little attention? I killed 60 fucking people. It's disrespectful. It's disrespectful to the real serial killers. You got 65 bodies. It's like a dude who won an amateur boxing championship and they're comparing him to Muhammad Ali. They're just talking about him all the time. They don't talk about Ali.

What about me, bitch? Why are you fucking crazy? Look what I did. I won a title three times. This dude won an amateur thing. That's what it's like, what about me, bitch? Why are you fucking crazy? Look what I did. I won the title three times. This dude won an amateur thing. Yeah. That's what it's like. Yeah. That's fucked up. But the Manson thing, I guess, was the cult leader part of it, which freaked everybody

out because people are terrified by someone who could lead people astray. Right. And it was the time. And I think he was a hippie. There's a lot of things that they take out of the story that they don't focus on now. There's a lot of things that they take out of the story that they don't focus on now. Like back then, maybe, I don't know. It feels like just on instinct that they wanted to condemn hippies back then.

100%. So they use this guy to condemn hippies, like the, you know, the suits. And then now that part of the story is gone, you know, and now it's just fascinating. Totally. It's totally. Residually fascinating. But back then, it could have been a big story. But what was the reason why that was a big story back then? Well, there was a lot of dark shit that happened with it. There was a murdered pregnant woman.

There was also a movie star, Sharon Tate. Yeah. It struck home with a lot of people. Had good elements. Yeah. And then Roman Polanski, it was his wife that was murdered. A lot of people didn't know that. Then Roman Polanski turns out to be a lot of people. He had good elements. Yeah, and then Roman Polanski, it was his wife that was murdered. A lot of people didn't know that. Then Roman Polanski turns out to be a child molester,

and he has all these crazy connections to that murder. They wrote war or die pig or something like that in blood on the wall. So what was the name of the serial killer you mentioned? Henry Lee Lucas. So this is what he was doing wrong. Yeah, he didn't do all that shit. Killing regular people. He was killing, like, diner waitresses and shit.

Yeah, yeah. That's what he would do. He'd just go across the country and just kill people randomly. A guy would walk into the bathroom, like a restaurant bathroom, and he would just decide, I'm going to go kill this motherfucker. That's fucked up. He would go in, shank the guy, stab him a bunch of times, and go out and eat his meal like nothing happened, and people would start screaming.

And he would go, what? What's going on? Like, this was, like, in the, you know, 70s and the 80s, and there was nobody knew what what what's going on like this was like in the you know 70s the 80s and then there was nobody knew what the fuck was going on and there's no you know they didn't get your fingerprints they didn't know shit and he would kill people randomly and apparently random killers are the hardest to capture it's the hardest to like if you got a person who's a real crazy person who just not that plots not that says you know what this brian red band motherfucker i gotta i can't take his shit on the podcast anymore.

I'm going to fucking track him down. No. I'm going to put this camera, this tape recorder behind the toilet. It's someone who gets in their car. It's someone who gets in their car and says, let me just decide who I'm going to kill today. Right. And they just drive around. They go, okay, that's the guy.

And they just get out and they shoot him. And they just get in their car and drive away. It's very difficult to catch that guy. Right. Because then there are newsers that say there's been a gang murder. Could be. It could be a random. Just an un...

I mean, it depends on what city you're in, too. Like, what if you're in Chicago? Like, if you wanted to be a murderer, like a serial killer, you go to the south side of Chicago, just drive around and start killing people at random. It's happening over there anyway. It's like there's so much murder there like Louisiana New Orleans We were there this guy who was there who told me about he had lived through the Katrina floods Mm-hmm

He was talking about the the level of violence that he saw and he said we're just cops shooting people and craziness and just rioting It was like he goes it was crazy Like if you just inter you know inserted yourself into some sort of chaotic situation like that and just randomly killed a person, they'd never catch you. You just whoop, right back into the darkness. That kind of serial killer stuff is really scary to people. The idea that someone could just not value life so much or get such a thrill out of killing someone that they're just willing to do that. Yeah, like kill people like it's masturbating yeah like that's just the only good thing you know you could say about like a scenario like that is that most of those people you would that's not even a good

thing but i would imagine that a lot of them trip up because they're so amoral and so fucked up like that was the whole theme of the um uh that the uh american serial killer book american psycho did you ever read the book the book is way more graphic and fucked up than the movie the movie's fucked up but you only have so much time in a movie to go into how crazy a guy is. But Brett Easton Ellis in the book had hundreds of pages, and it was dark, dark, dark shit. Was that a real story or was it fictional? No, totally fictional. It was sort of a metaphor for the cocaine mindset of the 80s and the materialist mindset of stockbrokers.

And he just had created this guy who inserted himself into this world who's just a complete and total psychopath and serial killer fascinating shit because the guy like it's almost like he's getting more the thrills don't come unless he's more and more reckless now because right right you get tired of doing it this way and then you want to do it that way and then you gotta kick it up a notch in order to get your thrill and a lot of them that happens they ramp up until they eventually get busted they just they they don't get satisfied with just one type of thrill but then there's like dudes like the zodiac killer they never catch yeah he just stayed

in his own yeah he's just smart as fuck he kept his protocol he even made letters sent them letters and shit did you ever see that was it jake is that him who did the zodiac movie yeah he does uh i think charles fleischer was in that movie was he yeah i think so charles fleischer might be the fucking zodiac killer how about that yeah he might have been in a movie about himself. Charles Fischer came to the back of the Comedy Store one night and handed me some fucking thing that he created with plastic that was a new geometric shape.

I just asked him about that. Yeah. He said he invented it with mathematics and invented some sort of a new unto heard geometric shape before unto heard. Is that how you say it? Spending that Roger Rabbit money. Yeah, I think that money's gone.

But he was a weird cat. You know, Fleischer was a smart dude. He would, in his spare time, he'd like, you know, read books on astronomy and shit and come to the backstage, the comedy store, that back patio area. We'd always talk about space. Oh, for real? Yeah, wild conversations about space and science.

He was more into that than he was doing stand-up. How is he financially now? Oh, I haven't seen him in forever, man. I see him, he always looks good and he always has a younger girl with him. I see him once in a while. That's funny.

There used to be a dude who was an older guy. He used to come to the comic store. He used to try to hypnotize girls. That was his move. And I'd always heard it, and then one day, I'm in the main room, you know, the back area of the main room by where the ticket thing is, and this comic is saying something to this woman. He leans over, and she goes no i don't

want you to hypnotize me and i just started laughing it's fucking true i couldn't believe it he was asking her if he could hypnotize her what a pleasant guy he's asking right i think you have to yeah i don't i don't think you can you can't just hypnotize someone you have to. Yeah. I don't think you can just hypnotize someone. You have to ask to hypnotize them because they have to put themselves in the mindset, like, okay, I'm about to be hypnotized. I don't think it's like one of those, you're getting sleepy. Sleepy, like, oh my God, it's controlling my mind. I don't think that works.

What if she's in the bathroom? I don't think it works. Imagine that. You have a tape recording. You're getting sleepy. Sleepy. Are you allowed to do that? You're not allowed. Sleepy. Are you allowed to do that? You're not allowed to record, but are you allowed to project?

Are you allowed to broadcast secretly when someone doesn't know? Are you allowed to have you talking in a bathroom? I think that if I was, I mean, when it comes to laws, like about recording laws, eventually we're going to have to abandon that if everybody just starts recording everything right everything already is everyone's recording people with their phones but that would be the one thing that holds you back right be you if you have two people and one of them consents and the other one doesn't consent or doesn't know they're being recorded when you always know you're being recorded because you're always being recorded all those laws are going to have to change right does that make sense the fucked up thing is it doesn't even matter it's like once somebody released the tape

you're screwed socially yeah you're all condemned or whatever it's like well unless you don't say anything fucked up right but how i just think it's hard to not say something fucked up yeah well it's definitely hard especially when you're an 81-year-old racist. If you really stop and think about it, that dude was 60 years old when the internet became popular. Damn, that's funny. It's crazy. Step in there. Step in there.

He was 60 years old. That's incredible. But I think I'm a decent person. But I know you could probably play some shit back from conversations that I said, and somebody could hang me. Oh, definitely, especially if they did it the way that Jeremy Clarkson thing did, where you just take one snippet of it that sounds so stupid. I did everything within my power to not say that word. The fuck you did? No, you said it.

How about not do it at all? What he was saying is, I did everything in my power to not say that word on television, and that clip never made TV. Like, he was trying, he went this long, but they were like, yeah, whatever. Chunk. They took the most ridiculous, salacious chunk, and they put it in right.

I did everything within my power. Apparently that wasn't enough. Could you imagine he just has racist Tourette's? He's like trying really hard to hold. I'm a Mexican. He's trying so hard. He's been hiding it. He's trying so hard not to say it, but he can't.

He can't. He has to let it out. That was dumb. His apology, the clip of it they showed, that shit was dumb. Yeah, it is ridiculous. It's not an apology. No, the clip they showed. If it was a guy. Yeah, but is ridiculous. It's not an apology. No, the clip they showed... It's an excuse.

If it was a guy... Yeah, well, it doesn't make any sense anyway, like I said. I've never heard it that way. I always heard it, Tiger. Like, why are you saying nigger? Like, what is he doing? Like, why are you even...

That's on him. Yeah, it's on him 100%. I did everything within my power. As he goes home and plays Xbox Live And he's one of the racist kids on there That guy's drunk a lot too That's probably also part of That stomach that he's got

That shit ain't coming just from food Guy's probably lit up, he's trying to be funny Also he's probably trying to be funny He's kind of like a comic in a sense Because he's I'm sure he's making the cameraman laugh And the producers laugh And he's trying to'm sure he's making the cameramen laugh and the producers laugh. And he's trying to like be edgy.

Right. Like he's got a reputation for saying funny shit. So he's got to live up to it. And sometimes you're, yeah. Yeah. No doubt, man. No doubt. You know, there was an article that I'm trying to find online and I can't.

We're out of time here. God damn it. Ian Edwards, we ran out of goddamn time. So the time went fast. How long did we do? Three hours. Dang, Jesus. I know. That damn it. Ian Edwards, we ran out of goddamn time. Dog, time went fast. How long did we do? Three hours. Dang, Jesus. I know.

That's what I'm saying, dude. It goes by every week like that. It's crazy. When are you recording your new special? Well, it's an album. Recorded it already. The beauty of it is there's an article in Deadline Hollywood this morning about it's on Conan's label. Oh, beautiful.

It's coming out in June I'm the first comic on there oh that's awesome and I'm also the first homeless comic to be on Conan's label fuck you Chase

thanks Chase assholes so it's coming out in June but they just released everything so I woke up to see that in deadline when in June

when in June probably the 10th okay well let us know and we'll tweet it. Or if you want to come back, we'll have you on the podcast again. I'll come back too. Okay. Let's do it. What's it called?

It's called 100% Half-Ass. And if you can see it goes, it goes. Follow Ian online. Ian Edwards comic. Don't follow any of those other Ian Edwards dudes. It's Ian Edwards comic. That's the only one. And what's your website?

Shit. IanEdwardsComedian. Edwards comic. That's the only one. And what's your website? Shit. IanEdwardsComedian.com Okay. Because it was down. So I think it's back up now. Oh. Okay.

You got a show? Yeah. Next week I'm going to be in Vegas with Tony Hinchcliffe and Sarah Tiana. You guys are at a pool hall.

Yeah. We're playing the backstage bar and billiards Friday May 16th 8 p.m. Let me know if they got good tables. Yeah, I will. Yeah, let me know if it's a good spot.

That would be a great place for you to play every time you're in Vegas. I got a spot I already go to. I won't tell anybody, though. I'm fucking secretive as shit. I move like a ghost. Thanks to our sponsors. Thanks to Squarespace.com. Go to Squarespace.com, enter in the code word Joe, and save yourself 10% off your first purchase and get a free trial while you're at it.

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Go there, use the code word ROGAN, and save 10% off any and all supplements. All right, lots of fun shit coming up. Tomorrow, Nick Cutter, a fine author author whose book I've got right here. I've been reading this fucking thing. This is a great book, man. It's called The Troop. I got one of those pre-release copies, bitch.

That's right. I'm special as fuck. And it's dog-eared because I've been reading the shit out of it. It's really good. It's in the vein of like a Stephen King horror thriller. out of it. It's really good. It's in the vein of like a Stephen King horror thriller. And Tim Kennedy on Wednesday

and Rhonda Patrick's coming in this week too. Oh, that's not this week. Whatever, bitch. Listen, I got a lot of shit happening. See you tomorrow. Big kiss. Mwah. I got a man