The Joe Rogan Experience - #5 - John Heffron, Ari Shaffir (Part 2)

Episode Date: January 21, 2010

Joe sits down with John Heffron, and Ari Shaffir.

And then he realized that his friends were telling... Ustream just stopped our recording for some reason. Alright. Man, probably. The fucking man. Okay, now it's back on again. The man, ladies and gentlemen. Refresh your browsers, people.

The man apparently was just fucking our ass. That's crazy. Like, it just went off air, and then everything came back on by itself. Yeah, he took it with his friends because he wanted to be a downer because they were all taking it. Yeah, this is you telling the story. and came back on by itself. Yeah, he took it with his friends because he wanted to be a downer because they were all taking it. Yeah, this is you telling the story.

And he would smoke. He was like, fuck it. But he didn't feel anything. So he was like, alright. But then he didn't want to be the one left out. So he was like, fuck it, I'll smoke with you guys.

He would pass it and he would take some. And then he realized he could for the first time in years and years he could actually sit there with his legs and arms cramping up.

What about Sean Rouse? Maybe it could help him. I don't know. No way that guy does not smoke pot. No? No. Doug doesn't. Doug doesn't smoke weed. You would think that Doug would smoke weed. Stanhope does not like weed. Really? Yeah. He's done it. I've done mushrooms with Stanhope. We did DMT. Not weed, huh? He'll go to other dimensions. It is like pot makes him paranoid. He doesn't like the fact that... I understand that.

That's the negative side effect of everything for everybody. Well, I think what the paranoia that pot gives you is really, it's almost like the opposite of alcohol. Because alcohol makes you look through a tube. Alcohol, you're like looking at the world through a, yeah, woohoo, tube. Sure. You know, you're not seeing, but marijuana is the opposite. Marijuana like releases your blinders.

I see it in front of me, Brian. It went off in about a second. It blipped. Did it? Yeah, just so you guys know, it's not me fucking it up. Ustream's just fucking up right now. If you can't see Redman, he's actually sticking his cock into the computer. You can't blame Brian, ladies and gentlemen. Don't be mean.

This is difficult to figure all this stupid shit out. Ultimately, I would love to have this on my website, on JoeRogan.net, but right now I don't think the technology is available. It's not quite ready. But this is ideally the best way to do a show. This is way more fun than doing some show that's on television that nobody gives a shit about. We can do whatever the fuck we want.

You don't have to look at it. I don't want anything from you. No one's getting paid. It's just for the move. Just for fun. And you have interesting people over and you talk. Right? I mean, how many times have you done...

What's the matter, Brian? They're all blaming me, so I'm going to get my hands up. You didn't do anything. Yeah, Brian. You're going to do it for another quarter of a second. I ran Brian on this and the Conan situation. How many times have you done a a talk show and it's like you prepare for it

it's like a big deal and then you you know you sit down and you talk to someone for like seven minutes and you're like I didn't even say anything

you know we didn't even get to talk about anything I mean I had a few topics that kind of got out of the way a little bit but barely said anything and then

and every one of those shows are set up for that reason that it's just nothing you just leave there going that was nothing I didn't say anything. I didn't even... That was a great appearance.

I said two words. It's like if you're on Chelsea Handler's show. Yeah. Those guys on there say like four or five words. That's it. And then you're done. Yeah. And then they're done. Yeah, it's real weird. And then people go, oh, you were great on the show. But that's what they want. They want a short attention span.

Bing bang. See this guy real quick. But then people go, oh, you were great on the show. But that's what they want. They want a short attention span, bing bang, see this guy real quick. But, I mean, that's the, if you want to go for like, if you want to go for like the average, you know, just a shot in the dark with people, that's what you should give them. You should give them the shortest, quickest little things as fast as you can

so they don't lose interest. But at the end of the day, do you want the people that lose interest that easy to pay attention to you? No. You have to get them because you're doing a numbers game because they're selling advertising. But then again,

I mean, how many times have you seen a YouTube clip and you start to open it up and you see nine and a half minutes and you're like, fuck it. I don't even want to start. We're all those people. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but a YouTube clip

is totally different than something like this. You know, this is like cool because you could throw this on at work, you know, and you're doing some boring fucking thing at work. You could throw this on and watch it while you do it and just, you know, just enjoy a bunch of people hanging around talking. I like doing that. Yeah.

I like watching fucking Soulja Boy. You know who Soulja Boy is? Yeah. I like watching him. You know why I like watching him? Why? Because he's having a good time. I like watching that girl on the train.

Do you see that video? The girl on the train singing, harshly singing Soulja Boy at some old lady. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All black people.

Just not, that has nothing to do with the story, but they all happen to be black. Did you see that? That was the greatest video. And then somebody

put the subtitles to understand what she was saying. It was so crazy. I like watching that kid. You know why? Because he's like 19 years old He's worth some fucking insane amount of money

He's got diamonds all over his body He's tattooed himself Tattooed his fucking face Tattooed his neck, his arms, his chest, everything And every video that I watch He's talking shit, dancing And freestyle rapping Talking about haters Talking about all the girls he's fucking,

talking about how much money he has, and how pretty he is. I enjoy the fuck out of it. I really do. To me, it's entertaining as shit, man. I wish there was some type of program that would follow your brain, so you can look at everything you searched in one evening. Oh, that's next, dude. That's going to be the next Twitter.

The next Twitter is going to be able to show people what you're thinking and watching. Yeah, that's next, dude. That's going to be the next Twitter. The next Twitter is, you're going to be able to show people what you're thinking and watching. Yeah. Well, you could search. Well, I somehow went from, I started looking up fights or something on YouTube, and then I found the fight scene from the movie Bodyguard, from way back in the 80s.

Somehow my brain got from there to where I was watching a Riding Dirty, the song all cut to Star Trek Wrath of Khan. So it was all clipped. Khan was riding dirty. I don't know how my brain even

got there. You're right. I want to watch this clip of Conan said something funny to Leno. And then you clip that and the next thing you know I'm on Soldier Boy. And you had a wonderful time though. I'm on Soldier Boy and you have a wonderful time I go on YouTube rides

and I go on porn rides too where you know you're going to start out normal and next thing you know it's big dicks and Asians blowjobs you get real specific yeah

and then you're typing stuff that's what it's wrecked my porn go back to your first video you watched that night it's just a girl with big tits blowing somebody that's kind of hot

and then how did I get to the next one girls that work at Kinko's that... Laugh in their face. Horrifying ass fucking. That's really kind of one of the craziest things about porn on the internet. You can just... Anybody from their computer directly goes to it. There's no stopping it. You can go right to a dick going in an asshole.

You don't have to pay. You don't have to subscribe. I think that's what desensitized people to it so much in an asshole. You don't have to pay. You don't have to subscribe. I think that's what desensitized people do so much in the last few years. Well, they say girls are taken in the ass all the time now. Well, I saw on one of the porn sites, they had like a comments section underneath the thing. So where people are complaining about, oh, that girl looks beat on, that girl.

And maybe because I'm older, like whatever happened to just being excited you're seeing porn? Now we're so desensitized, I'm going to judge that chick. She's not... Everybody always judges chicks. These are professional hot chicks. Oh my god, they're having sex!

We can see it! Now I'm going to judge them. Even back in the 80s, I had my favorites. Yeah, yeah. Misty Rain. I can't do professional porn anymore. I have to have it amateur. I have to have it on a cell phone.

I have to have it fake. If I see a flashbulb go off in the room, I'm like, fuck this. I like the flashbulbs. It simulates you. You're feeling like this is really two people that like each other. Or just are having real sex.

I mean, look at these porn sites. The chick's just like looking at her watch. There's a porn site for people who like each other. Her pussy's just numb. Yeah. Her pussy's just beat the fuck up.

Yeah. I wouldn't... There's a whole old genre of porn that's... Couples porn. People like each other and it's not all, oh yeah, yeah, we like that. It's a little bit... of porn that's... Couples porn. People like each other and it's not all,

oh yeah, yeah, we like that. It's a little bit... No, I don't want that. The girls are hot. I don't want girls to be fucked. I just want to know that they're getting fucked.

Are you a voyeur, Brian? What? Generally? Are you looking for a voyeur? No, not really. I just want to know like it's real. Yeah, it's going on.

She's fucking it. It's amazing how many girls are getting spit on and slapped in the face. It gets... There's a lot of that, man. Yeah. I love it. You like that? You do? I like doing it. I don't like how many girls are getting spit on and slapped in the face. There's a lot of that, man. I love it.

You like that? You do? I like doing it. I don't like watching it. Yeah, I don't like bitches. I found it on San Diego. I didn't expect to love it, but I fucking loved it. Tell the story, please.

She was like, hit me. I was like, all right. She goes, come on, hit me. And I was like, all right. And by the end, I was fucking boom with a follow through on the backhand. Oh, my God. Like hard. And she was into it.

It was so fucking awesome. How bad did you hurt her face? Fuck her face she took it i don't know did you believe didn't open her up oh my god i wouldn't be paranoid that day that's what i would think too that the girl would then go oh thanks yeah this guy just uh knocked me around and and you gotta think of a chick so crazy she wants you to beat her up she could easily yeah yeah and then what are you gonna say she wanted i mean i'm like also you should look at her ass because that is fucking ready crazy she wants you to beat her up. She could easily go to the police. Yeah, and then what are you going to say? She wanted? I'm like, also you should look at her ass because that is fucking red. Rape is a horrible, terrible thing.

But so is pretending you've been raped. How many people have heard stories about a girl gets mad at a guy and just decides to tell people that he raped her? I had a friend who worked he played for the Detroit Lions when I was in Detroit and that happened to him.

It was with two girls back at his place. Super nice guy. The one girl jokingly said, you know what we could do is we could say that you raped us and how much money would we get? And they were like,

she said it as a joke. So immediately said, let's go. Knocked on his neighbor's door and said, hey, whatever. Meet my two friends. So he'd have one other person to see their condition

when they left. So he couldn't then make up this story. Then I had another famous friend. Every time he'd hook up with a girl in a room, he was way famous. He'd go to the front desk girl. He'd walk out that girl. Whoever was there, he would stop

so that girl would talk to that person so there's one other person that see she didn't run out all disheveled like what just happened to me just as a backup because you honestly just want to go to bed like see you later right yeah but you don't know that girl so you always have to think you know to a lot i mean to a lot of people people that are like famous like some famous rock star or something like that yeah that person is like they're it's so unfair their situation it's so unfair how much more they have yeah how much more money yeah how much better their life is it's so unfair that people feel like you owe them something like you got an unfair

amount so they're trying to take from you so there's a lot of people don't even feel bad about like fake lawsuits they don't even feel bad yeah they're like oh the rich after which man fuck the rich yeah and I had you make that money someone got fucked over yeah or you just run over my foot the other day and they like play back the video he didn't get hit by the car and he was just trying hey couldn't the paparazzi's ran I always think of like have some kind of thing we hit one button and you zap all the electronic computers that are around you.

Yeah. They have this spray. They have this spray. You know what? The paparazzis, it's the same thing. They're just a bunch of people that are making a living doing something negative.

And they don't need to do that. They can do something else. But it's also sort of negative because a lot of times they call those people and say, I'll be at the Ivy. Come meet me out front. Right.

And go after them. There's a lot of people that like it. But when, I'll be at the Ivy. Come meet me out front. Right, and go after them. There's a lot of people that like it, but when you're like chasing someone and someone's all upset with you like they got their kids or something,

like Dr. Drew. By the way, we were talking about Dr. Drew. I think his stance on pot is retarded, but he's a really nice guy. I've done his show, the Loveline show,

and I've met him a bunch of times. He's a really cool guy, and he told me that he was in Hawaii and the fucking paparazzi were taking pictures of his kids. Him and his kids.

Because a kiss is worth something? Well, it was worth something. They make money, man. If you get a juicy picture, you can make some mad

loot. How about that picture of John Travolta kissing that dude? Somebody got paid for that. How bad was

the kiss? I saw one of the lips. When you freeze frame a kiss, it'll never look like a casual kiss. It's awesome. I love how John Travolta rocks a fabulous wig. Yeah, man. In some pictures, he's balding.

In other pictures, he's got the best head of hair ever. It's awesome. The TMZ, I saw one of the guys who works on TMZ, one of the guys. We saw so-and-so at the airport and I wanted to go up them so bad with the camera just stick it in his face and ask some dumb questions and I probably could have sold that back to TMZ I wanted to do is a sketch that will do it just go fucking or the guy that does TMZ can he handle that 15-minute show without taking a drink of water because he has like a sippy cup that he just there's no way that's water it's evil because those guys are making fun

of people that are on TV yet every one of them wants to be so famous and is enjoying all the fame they're getting from being on the show but but that's legitimate too because some people like the way they're bitchy like they wish they could be that bitchy and they like watch them it's like the form of entertainment a lot of what the Chelsea Handler shows to what shit on people we wish we could work with. Yes Yeah, exactly, but you know what there's a place for that too It's the same thing is like rich people that get upset at poor people. It's like people were not famous They like fuck them pick out go after Tiger Woods, you know, go find him

He's got a billion dollars fuck him like some woman actually said this on the Jimmy Kimmel show. She was running a website where people could find people's houses. No, no, no. You would say where the celebrity is at any given moment. Oh, yeah, yeah. Jimmy Kimmel was like, don't you understand that there's stalkers and this could be dangerous? And she goes, well, I'm sure that they sleep well on, you know, all their money. Like,

on a bed full of money. And it's like, really? Like, that's how you look at it? Like, you're willing to put people, yeah,

put people, like, especially young girls, like, you know how some dudes get fucking really nutty about young girls? Like, they get crazy.

Like, that one girl that got shot, it was like, when I first came to Hollywood, some girl got shot. It was on a TV show. By a stalker. Yeah. People don't understand how, how came to Hollywood. Some girl got shot. It was on a teen show. People don't understand how she was really pretty.

She was like a childhood, not childhood star, but like 22 year old star. She became famous when she was young and some dude just got obsessed with her, found out where she lived. She opened the door, he shot her in the chest. People don't understand how scary stalkers are. When I used to do radio in Detroit,

this girl would send me 15, 16 page letters, not one piece of white left on the paper. So it was written sideways anyway about I had fun going out with you,

looking for houses, shit that never happened, you know. Right. I heard about your secret messages, da da da, and then she went away

and then she came back and every time I'd be in Detroit, she would leave these letters when your wife's gone and it's just us. You know, crazy stuff. So I went to go get a restraining order against her

because she was showing up at my shows and would find out where I would be and the judge wouldn't... Did you fuck her? No, no, no. Good gosh, no.

But it was... Blood done? Nothing, nothing, nothing. Oh, well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, totally. I just wanted to know. No, no. I. Good gosh, no. But it was... Nothing? Nothing, nothing, nothing. I think Greg was like, oh, well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, totally. I just wanted to know. No, no. I was trying to figure out how far back was this.

Yeah, yeah, no. How many years ago was this? It was... It's been about 10, 15 years. And the guy wouldn't... The judge would not give up? What? He wanted to hear her side of the story.

Now, I had a stack of papers this big of her saying... She came to the Raiders station I worked at with some of my stuff. She goes, John left this. It was an empty can of tuna fish. Whoa. Junk mail and baby shoes. Whoa. So she got to your house?

Well, no. This was from her place, I guess. And then I had stacks of letters saying, I hear the secret messages that you're giving me. I will respond to them. When say this it means this but when you go to file a restraining order the judge you get less than a paragraph to write why you don't get to hand in any of the psycho stuff so then and then he saw that and then the guy who did it for me goes he's a dude he probably thinks you're a pussy that you can't handle. The judge?

No. Because I'm a guy and I have this girl stalker. The judge thinks that? Yeah, it's like you're a pussy. You're a guy. Handle the girl. Don't bring us involved was his attitude. So I couldn't find him. That was the judge's attitude?

That's what the guy before said. And you know what? That was that long ago? That was before that chick got murdered. No, this. I tried doing this a couple years ago. But it doesn't, a year ago, but it doesn't apply to California. So I go through all this work, get it done in Michigan,

then come out to California, doesn't mean anything. You got to refile one in California. She flies to Texas to see you, doesn't matter. Now you have to file one in Texas. Really? So I could imagine. Let's not put this information on the internet. Yeah, yeah.

Hey, you know Brittany Murphy, the actress that just died? Yeah. Her mom and her husband has been doing a tour to all the talk shows and I got to catch it today on the Today Show.

Yeah. It's how fucked up. Your daughter just died and they're fucking, they're just sitting there like for no reason, not promoting anything. They weren't trying to

like do anything but just like I've seen them on like four different talk shows in the last like week. It's weird but they do it for money and they do it just

because they like the people attention or whatever or say something about their daughter. The worst is like and coming up we have Brittany Murphy's mom

and Brittany Murphy's mom just sitting there and she knows the camera's on and she goes oh. And it was even though it's been

four weeks she's not crying randomly no no no you find it on Hulu or whatever and it is disturbing to watch

like it was so gross and the husband was so what was the accusation what is the we still don't know well what's the isn't there like a

current gossip about it the worst thing it was drugs but then they said I think she said drugs. So it wasn't like diabetes

or something like that was also involved. I think some shit happened when she was young. I don't think it was a weird situation at all. Really? It just came up

she's showering and then they're talking about heroin and all that shit that's so bullshit. They still don't know yet but that's kind of weird that they still know.

Well isn't it kind of weird but isn't it kind of weird that the husband did want an autopsy? Yes. I think that's very fucking weird. Man, if a 30-year-old person dies, you want to know what the fuck happened. They're not Jewish, are they?

He doesn't look Jewish. Why? It's against the religion. It's against the religion? Yeah, but he also eat bacon. What? What happens if you murder a Jew, though? That's fucking crazy.

That makes it easy to murder you guys. No, no, no. Shit. No, no, no. You're misunderstanding. You asked if you haven a Jew, though? That's fucking crazy. That makes it easy to murder you guys. No, no, no. Shit. No, no, no. You're misunderstanding. You actually haven't thought this out. We're not going to get autopsies on our bodies. We can get them on your bodies.

Yeah, but you. You're dead. But if I just poison you, you're dead. The cops can't give you an autopsy. Because we just poisoned that, but now they're not going to know. And you've been drinking it. What's the marks around his neck? Suicide.

He rear naked choked himself to death. Yeah, it was it. That's the story. I'm sticking to it. Yeah, no autopsies. I think there are certain situations where they say if they're afraid it might be like a congenitive, is that a word?

Heart disease where the kids should know they should get treated for it. Congenital, I think. Congen like a congenitive, is that a word? Heart disease, where the kids should know if they should get treated for it. Congenital, I think. Then they'll allow it. I don't know. But they still allow it. They still allow it for that, but not just randomly to figure out

what the cause of death is. They're like, he's dead. Yeah, but any time a young actress dies and there's medication around, there's a lot of money involved, they will automatically do it. No matter what. Whatever somebody says, don't. Or one or two questions. If I die matter what whatever somebody says don't yeah don't waste the money yeah he will come on

this is depressing change the topic hey do you guys like cats what do you think about Oprah she's so generous yeah no I don't paparazzi don't give a shit about me somebody asked me if the paparazzi chase't give a shit about me. Somebody asked me if paparazzi chased me. They would make zero dollars off my pictures. There's no benefit in taking pictures of me. You have to stay just under that level of fame. You have to stay in the level of fame where nobody gives a fuck. So you can still work and you don't have to worry about your bills

and you can go out to dinner, but you don't want to get crazy. The best, I was with Renazisi at that Vince Vaughn Wild West comedy tour, like, premiere, and then there's a party like across the street at some hip club, whatever,

in Hollywood, and so we leave and all the popular out there waiting for Vince Vaughn and Justin Long and stuff, and Renazisi's like, beat it,

you degenerates, you fucking piece of shit, you know, he's like giving it to him, and they were like, hey, the guy from Punks, and he goes,

oh, hey, yeah, that's me, everybody, how are ya? Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, hey, yeah, that's me, everybody. How are you? Ah! Oh, no. He cracked. That's funny. That's hilarious. Yeah, you know, you can't go to places like, you know who's the best at staying out of that shit? In controversial life, if you consider him, Mark Wahlberg. That guy's never in the tabloids.

He's a giant movie star. Yeah, you don't see that guy. He stars in gigantic blockbuster movies, and yet he's never in the tabloids he's a giant movie star yeah he stars in gigantic blockbuster movies and yet he's never in the tabloids that's amazing you know who else and he never even does interviews Nicholson yeah he's just away from everything well they always they would always catch him doing something creepy you know that shirt off at some beach yeah looking like he's bloated yeah he's still like he's bloated and fucking weird. He's still, like, in his 70s, rocking it with 20-year-old chicks.

It's awesome. It's really crazy. Nicholson, like, he'll, like, you know, they did some interview with him real recently where he was talking about the different dates he goes on and that, you know, one night he'll go out with a woman that's in her 60s and the next night it's a girl that's in her 20s. Yeah. You know? I mean, just, you know, he was talking about it sexually.

He was talking about friends, you know, like his acquaintances, that he has a very varied life. But, you know, you've got to appreciate that. Yeah. Dude's getting 20-year-olds and he's fucking 70. That's how badass he is. That's pretty crazy, right? He's defying nature with his fame and with his ability to pretend.

It overcomes the natural order of and with his ability to pretend it overcomes the natural order his ability to pretend and was not he have he should be John in a natural world he's done with sex like that's not yeah well especially when the companion his age especially if there was no Viagra yeah you know I mean if there's no Viagra that would take a lot of dudes out of the game take a lot of dudes out of the game. Take a lot of dudes out of the game. A lot of old rich dudes. They're like, what's the fucking point?

You know? But right now, they can... You know, Brian Holtzman had to joke about that. He goes, no, I like that. Because now, these young whores have to fuck these old men. And he goes, and that sperm is like paint that's been in their basement for like a year. You know that paint where... It's not a

fresh product ladies and gentlemen he's hilarious it's not quite color the color you picked out he's one of those dudes this there's a few dudes that over the course of uh doing stand-up comedy that i've i've always gone how the fuck did that guy not make it? He's one of them, right? Yeah. He's so good. So funny. Brian Holtzman,

if you're ever at the comedy store in LA, that's where Brian, where he works out. If you call the comedy store, call the comedy store and ask when Brian Holtzman is going to be up. Especially if something

goes down in the news. Like, I guarantee you he's got some fucked up five minutes on Haiti right now you know don't want to laugh at you're like oh no

but you laugh at anyway I had always heard about he did this thing on OJ but it was like amazing I mean he only did it one time he tried to do it

again it wasn't quite as good just an awesome set about that and then 9-11 happened and Mitzi wouldn't put him on because we were closed I guess happened Tuesday we were closed Tuesday Wednesday Thursday just no and then 9-11 happened and Mitzi wouldn't put him on because we were closed I guess it happened Tuesday

we were closed Tuesday Wednesday Thursday and then we opened up Friday Saturday and she knew that he would get up and talk about it so she made the talent coordinator

call him and said listen we can't put you on I'm sorry but it's just she doesn't want to put you on he's one of those guys that would take the opinion most fucked up

by default he would automatically go after the victims and, you know, what did you do wrong? Why were you in that building? What were you doing? Who were you fucking in the ass in that building? It's just like

his take on it would be so fucked up. He went on Sunday, though, because it was open night, and he did about 50 to 55 minutes and it was maybe one of the best sets I've ever seen. Stan Hope was there watching

and Stan Hope said I disagree with 95% of this but it's so fucking goddamn good. Because he's so crazy. His stance was fuck the cops. He goes,

but they're not heroes now. Why? Because they did their job one time. He goes, if I was one of the people jumping out of the building I'd wait until a fucking

cop was below me so I could take him out too. This was on 9-15, you know, when everyone's like, what did the crowds do when they see this guy? I don't remember. I can read that. You remember when that chick drowned her kids? Yeah. Holtzman goes on stage like

three days after this chick drowned her kids. He goes, ladies and gentlemen, I heard those were bad kids. I heard they never put their blocks away. They sat that close to the TV. They were always spilling their fucking milk. Those kids will not be missed. And I went, oh my god. People all are like, too sad. I heard there were bad

kids. That's one of the most brutal and funny jokes. It's one of people's brains in comedy is geared to, like, because in my brain, just, you know, it's weird how you fall into whatever style of comedy. Like, I would never even think about it. To go that way yeah yeah well his all right that's what he's on things but meanwhile he's really friendly like if you talk to

him like off stage like he's not a dark guy at all he's very nice he used to always go get me coke when i was working the cover booth like my dude who's one cold classic from the back and i was like thanks man i need to go back and bring it, and bring it back. I miss that dude. He's in the factory sometimes, too. Is he? Yeah. I gotta see him sometime. I gotta find out when he's playing and go perform again. He was always so cool.

So nice. He is at the factory sometimes. He was always such a nice guy. There was one time when I got banned, where Pauly banned me for like a weekend. And Holtzman was so nice about it. What did he say about it? Paulie banned me for a weekend because I got mad at him.

Because you got mad at him? Yeah. Him and Dean tried to corner me about something. And I told him he was a fucking idiot and that he doesn't appreciate the comedians, that I'm not working for him. It's when,

right after the Minding the Store came out. It was like, he all of a sudden was running the comedy It was like he all of a sudden was running the comedy store. It was all of a sudden, it wasn't like just a TV show anymore. Now, because the comedy store

we've always done for free. Not only did I work there for free, but I donated all that. When they were giving me checks, they gave me thousands of dollars worth of checks and I never cashed them because I always knew they were hurting for cash.

So when it came time to do their taxes, i had to donate all that money back to them and i paid for the sound system i mean i treated that place like it was our place you know it was a place for for comics the mics were cutting out and that sound that sounds like crackly and rogan bought it's like fuck it just we gotta fix this i got top of the line shit i went and got the top of the line CD recorder so dudes could make CDs and I put it all in there out of my own money

because just for love of the club and then all of a sudden Paulie's running it I'm like man I ain't working for free for you you know

I'll do it all for your mom but for you no huge battle now about who gets the store I think he won I think Paulie won yeah I think his brother gave up think Paulie won. Yeah.

I think his brother gave up. That's what I heard. Oh, his brother. Out of all the years I've lived here, I think I've been in there one time. Really?

Wow, that's so great. I've been in that bar area just hanging. I went with some comic, but I don't think I've ever been on stage there. Kyle Seas walked by yesterday and he was like,

I think I've been here four times in 10 years. I've never. It's so crazy not to go there. My whole career has never really been performing in Los Angeles. That's what he was saying. Yeah, but you've done sets of the improv. I've seen you at the improv.

Yeah, the improv. And then I think I'm banned from the Laugh Factory. What'd you do? We were talking about guns and the dude who owns it is a real pacifist. Jamie banned you for talking about guns? Yeah, I was on for the next week and then I got called and said no.

You got called? They didn't just knock you out of your spot? No, I called whoever, so tomorrow was so good? Yeah, no, I got asked.

Because you talk about guns. Not on stage. It was offstage conversation and I said I'm going to shoot it and then he was like, oh wait, you have guns?

That means you want to kill people. I'm like, no, I enjoy... Bobby, you have guns? That means you want to kill people. I'm like no I enjoy Bobby you have guns? Yeah I enjoy shooting them but if they came in my house then I'd kill them. Listen Jamie quit worrying about what comics have in their house and worry more about introducing little kids to Michael Jackson.

Oh my god. It's like that's a way bigger problem than having a locked gun in his house. He's not joking around. He's not joking around. Jamie Long having a locked gun in his house. He's not joking around. He's not joking around. Jamie was introducing these

children that are on the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Right? Was it Make-A-Wish or something like that? Yeah, something

like that. Kids are sick. He was introducing them to Michael Jackson. You say introducing. I say pimping.

What's the difference? Buddy. Buddy. He's not pimping. He's a genius, buddy. He doesn't want

to fuck the ass. I don't think that... No, he didn't do anything on purpose. I don't think Michael Jackson fucked those kids. Because I think, where are all the bodies? There would be not just one kid he fucked. He'd be fucking hundreds of kids. I think he probably fucked eight to ten.

I don't think he did. I think it's much more likely... We talked about this before, right? Yeah. I think it's much more likely that we talked about this before, right? I think it's much more likely that he's just completely fucked up and was molested when he was a kid and abused and he grew up in the public eye

and he grew up as a baby and being famous. He wanted to go back to his era. I believe in the power of the huge rumors. What about the terrible in the ass? Do you believe that one? I'm going to just because of that theory. What it everybody says to points on either gay Mikey from life's era because he saw

him without makeup yeah not little rumors if you're tired got his name because that's some retard that lives down the block from you made that one yeah everybody didn't even leave your fucking name but the rich gear gerbil rumor that move rumor traveled the whole country that's a crazy rumor kurt metzger told me he asked uh whatever kind of doctor that is he goes there's never been any recorded documentation of any animal up someone's butt but you know something that's actually you can go to the internet you see eels coming out of girls' assholes. Just because... How do you even say that?

That guy's an idiot. That guy's either an idiot or still an AOL. He's going through net nanny. You're missing the good sights, son. You ain't never seen the eels come out of that girl's butthole? That was really weird. i just kept coming out oh i kept thinking it was the same one that would be like octopuses up their assholes yeah man

there's there's some shit going into people's bodies if you can think of it did you see the video of the dude who uh has been shooting silicone into his dick for six years oh no see that yeah no but how delicious does his dick look? His dick looks like a... Delicious. Some dude on Twitter, I don't remember your name, I apologize, but some dude on Twitter said it looked like a shaved dead rabbit. And it does.

You've got to see it. I'll throw the link up for you guys, and we're going to watch it right now, but I'll throw the link up so that you guys can see it too. Onosh 2.0 it's a show on e where they talk about internet videos they played it they couldn't show their video they just showed the audience's reaction so they're all just sitting there so they all them just ball faces that's funny I can't find it it must have been from a couple days ago I tweet too much. We're on two hours right now, Joe just emailed.

So what, man? We're having a party here. We're not really on two hours. We didn't start on time. It's only four o'clock right now, Brian. Oh, four o'clock. You fucking faker. You're saying it like you counted the time.

We're on two hours, 15 minutes. I just looked at four or five and was like, that's about two hours. You took a wild shot at that, son. Sorry, I wasn't completely accurate with the minutes. We're on two hours, 15 minutes. I just looked at four or five and was like, that's about two hours. You took a wild shot at that. Sorry, I wasn't completely accurate with the minutes. Shut up! Okay, I'm trying to find this dead rabbit. How's Tonka, Brian? I renamed him.

It's Techie now. Techie? You renamed him? You can't call your cat Techie. It was Tommy one day, and then I... Who's this? Yeah, I agree with Ari. Names mean things. You can't call your cat Jack Harbour, dude. It was Tom one day and then I... Was it? His new cat? Yeah, I agree with Ari. That's what... Names mean things. I think that it does.

In mysticism, they always say, I don't believe in it, but they always say, you don't fuck with someone's name. Yeah. It was one day he was named Tomka.

So, whatever. You don't want to change the name of your cat. The cat has already destroyed a keyboard. Why? A Logitech keyboard. He hates anything technology.

If he knows... Technology. He hates a keyboard. I hate technology. He went up to my keyboard. I started using my keyboard. He like ran in. He was like,

what's that noise? He jumps up and just starts taking his claws and ripping keys off of it. I'm like, ah! If I use my camera and if I turn on a camera, he sees the camera

from across the room, charges me, and tries to grab the camera. I have like videos of him doing this. Are you considering giving it back to to adoption agency. He's a kitten. Yeah, that's what they do But it's just what's reincarnation. Maybe that person was just like it's killed by technology. Yeah, you know how she killed him So he's like your head This is a part of Ghost Dad 2 Maybe this is made out of technology

nice normal guy haircut today brian by the way what this is the most normal dude i've ever seen your hair out of the show all right here's the i just put it up online i just put it up online so you guys i twittered it the address of the dude who is injecting silicone into his dick for six years and we're gonna watch it right now because it is that fucked up. It is something that you need. I just clicked on it right now, so it's loading up right now. Check this shit out.

What's that music? What's the music? That's part of it. That's part of it. iTunes. Damn, that's been a part of it. Post-publicity. Yeah, like... iTunes! Damn, that's some gay-ass music you got there. Yeah, I'm watching your website. We're in the back of your website. Post-publicity.

Post-publicity. We're getting feedback on the noise, too. What the fuck could that be? YouTube, right there. Man. We're getting feedback on the noise, too. Facebook? YouTube, right there. It's the worst when you have 27 like tabs open up and you're like, that's so fucking annoying.

What is that? You have to find it. Oh, I've been having one of these things. That's the guy's balls. That's so fucking annoying. What is that? Okay, let's see it here. Here we go.

Oh, that's the guy's balls. That's so fucking annoying. What is that? Okay, let's see it. Oh, look at that. This is so fucking annoying. okay the underwear convention so that's all that's issue why would you want to do this or do you want to back up won't make it so would you like to name it though?

Oh it's real cocky. It's funny. I can't watch. Look at that. Oh my god. He's been injecting silicone into his dick for six years. Can it get hard? No. Is that all head on top? Yep. Is that all head? Look at it. Would you like to hold it

you like it look at him is weird that's a weird laugh yeah yeah but how weird could it be he's ejecting silicone into his fucking yeah I'm normal I mean look at that that's insane I can't watch six years of injecting silicon of left we're gonna have a conversation because I'm just

here what this is saying? Six years, he's unable to have sex. Sometimes I see a really young guy and I think, I'd like to fuck his ass. I was good. Oh, he's straight? The pleasure and the adventure and the experience that I've gotten from this

is way, way, way better than the, whatever, 15 minutes of pleasure that I would get. What an experience. What has he gotten experience? Just people seeing his balls and his dick. I could no longer stand up to pee because it would just kind of go everywhere. It was difficult to control. And so I started to learn, okay, I have to sit down.

But you know what? I'll tell you about some other adjustments in a second. All of these adjustments, though, they just add to the excitement for me because it's just another reminder and it's part of the odyssey of all of this. So I was sitting down to pee for a long time. Well, then the size got to be that when I would sit down, I'd get wet. It would get dunked into the water in a lot of toilets, including my own here.

And so I would have to sort of squat over the ball, you know. I think that just the fact that people look at me and either wonder what's going on, what is that? You know, the basic questions that people ask. Can you still have an orgasm? Things like that. I'm getting people to think and I'm challenging their ideas of what a penis should look like, what a penis should function. but yours is the only penis that does that I am challenging he's giving a challenge are you challenging brain so you're not thinking to down the gauntlet bitch yeah this is the crazy point so many No. Would you like to name it, though? I mean, this guy's, like, so happy to be pulling out his dick.

Look at this. It's touching. It's beautiful. Look at that. It's not even pornographic. It doesn't even really look like a penis in any way. It really looks like a basketball. The underwear I'm wearing. I challenge you. It's touching.

He's challenging your perceptions, Ari. What the fuck? Let's go fuck a horse. I'm getting tired. How nutty is that dude? There's other ways you can challenge people to think. Yeah. Maybe, you know... What is that? When dudes, like, tattoo their dicks and put barbells through them.

What's going on there? I think presentation. Presentation. Presentation! Like a silver platter With a cock with a spur through it But it still works And there's plenty of girls that are into that

Is there? Ladies, let's take a little Twitter poll How many girls are really into dudes with like Tattoos and barbells on their dicks Same shit with girls Put that barbell on their vaginas You like that? And if you say yes

How smelly is your pussy? That makes me sad The barbell on the That makes me sad. The barbell in the pussy makes me sad. I don't really like it, but I'm not bad against it. Is there a single girl that ever has gotten

a barbell in the pussy that's not a slut? Nothing's anything wrong with sluts. I don't say slut in any negative way. I mean a girl that's down to party.

I'll say that instead. I mean, there's no prudes that get their clit pierced. No. You get your clit pierced no you get your clit pierced you're sending a fucking very very clear message

yeah cause you can't ever say I don't really do this and the guy would go well you're you have a license yeah you clearly do you have a license plate

yeah you have a that right there says you're in you do you feel like your vagina will be so public yeah that you need to

dress it up a little bit apparently someone saying that's from a documentary on dicks this uh the guy with the fucked up dick it's from a documentary

that'd be a good one to watch take Viagra and try to knock it on erection the entire time you watch that documentary because every time it moves they're like no

no and just punch yourself yeah that would be funny if you gave guys you got yeah there's be funny if you gave guys... You got... Yeah, there's something there. If you gave guys

like a really high dose of Viagra and then you made them watch gay porn and... You would have to get bonus. There's no way you wouldn't. You had girls touching them.

You had girls? Girls touching them? There weren't a lot of socket. Dude was massaging your back. Oh! That would be way better. Guys massaging your back. They give you Viagra

and ecstasy and they see if you get hard. Yeah, you your back. They give you Viagra and ecstasy. Let me see if you get hard. Yeah, you can't. The first guy there, you would definitely get hard. I mean, there'd be no question. Oh, so sad.

Challenge match. Yeah. Yeah, that would be a funny, I mean, we did that. Or just find somebody who's really,

there's no way them gays are going to get married. I don't want that, you know know those that's not right okay yeah just take one have some guy just blowing in your ear and see what I just have some really soft boy who smells pretty rubbing your back over here got oils and the feminine voice like yeah just getting hard just whispering you know truck drivers have sore backs okay we'll fix you up. We'll fix you up. No worries.

I heard Bobby Kelly talking about this on Tuesday about, like, why that was even an insult. Why faggots even that bad. You're like, they've never done anything to me. Why is that, like, you're like,

no, I'm not. I'll fight you to prove that I'm not a gay. He was like, what? What is the difference? But, like, yeah, if you get a little thing

when some guy's touching you, it's like, whatever. Who cares? I don't like when dudes touch me because if dudes are thinking about fucking me, I know how I am

when I think about fucking girls and I don't want anybody thinking about me like that. You know, if you want to fuck somebody, you're like, you're into them. You're going after them.

Yeah. Nice attention. A dude doing that to you doesn't want to listen to the fact that you're straight. You're like, hey, I don't like that. Yeah.

And then he keeps going after you. That's like disturbing. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the worst time I've ever tried to go after a chick. Yeah. The most clumsy in your history.

Could you imagine someone doing that to you? A guy doing that to you? Yeah. Like you're drunk and stupid. Imagine that dude doing that to you. You'd feel so uncomfortable and gross and negative.

Get me away. I don't want to get raped. My gay friend in college used to always do that. Did he creep up dudes? He would get aggressively homosexual. When guys get drunk,

they get crazy. If I was kissing another one of our friends, he's like, what do you have me? I don't kiss. He was like, alright Andrew,

calm down. There was a comic that did that. What was that guy's name? Jason something or another? He was really flamboyant. Yeah. Really flamboyantly gay

and he would get aggressive. He was a cunt. And we were. Really flamboyantly gay and he would get aggressive. He was a cunt. And we were all in Montreal. There was like four or five of us. I don't remember who it was talking to. I think Bobby Slayton

I think was one of them. But he came over and it was like the end of the night and he was like, you know, I'm sucking someone's dick because it's going to be yours.

And I'm like, hey man, get the fuck out of here. You should find a gay dude for this. Yeah. Well, you're really working to be harder. Straight dudes, I mean, think the fuck out of here. You should find a gay dude for this. Yeah, well, you're really working hard.

I mean, think about how hard it is for a straight guy to get laid. And then think about how hard it is for a gay guy to get laid. Like, their numbers are low. Yeah, but such a higher percentage when you find their numbers. Yeah, if you go to, like, you know, Boys Town or something, you go to Santa Monica Boulevard, yeah, you're going to get a lot there. But if you're in, like, Thousand Oaks get a lot there, but if you're in like Thousand Oaks looking for gay sex, that's tough action.

You know? You've got to find them. You've got to go to church. Yeah. Find them in the stone. You've got to do something. You've got to figure out... It's cold.

You've got to pound on walls. I saw this thing in the army in the 40s and 50s and 60s where people who grew up in small towns had never seen... They just thought they were weird for these feelings,

but they didn't know. The ones who grew up in New York and L.A., obviously they knew about gays. So the ones people grew up in small towns had never seen they just thought they were weird feelings they didn't know the ones who grew up in New York and I like obviously I knew about gay so much and then they go to the army all of a sudden they find other gays and they find each other oh well in the army apparently that's like a real problem especially in the Navy when dudes are on boats there was a dude that we knew that was going away to the Navy his brother little brother was going away the Navy we're all sitting around eating with him. And just as a joke, I said, man, you need to learn some jujitsu so you can fight off the rape on the boat.

And he goes, yeah, man, fuck that, man. That shit happens. I go, what do you mean it happens? I go, dudes really rape dudes on the boats? He goes, well, you know, it's not that big a deal. I go, okay, what's not that big a deal? He goes, well, I've been in for a year. I only know four dudes.

I go, what? You know four dudes who've been raped by men and you've only been in the Navy for a fucking year? Could you imagine if you knew four comics that got raped? He'd be like, fuck comedy, man. People at the end of the comic are getting raped. Well, how often? Like four times a year.

Like, I'll never go there again. If somebody started raping UFC commentators, I'm like, no, I'm going to watch that shit from my house. Good luck on the Australian guy. Two guns in my lap. Fuck you. What are you, crazy? Four dudes. He was only in the Navy a year.

And it happened over that year? Yes. Or he met them? During that year he knew four dudes who got raped. Wow. I mean, how many people

was he coming in contact with? Even though the Navy is gigantic, that's a big number. Even if it's a few thousand. Still. Fuck.

Did you ever come close to joining the military or anything? Yeah, I had a recruiter show up at the grocery store I worked at. It was for the Air Force.

I thought of it. Oh, he went to my high school. And then I remember him. How old was I? Yeah. Like 17, 18. And then when I wrestled in high school, then he, this recruiter, I'll never forget, saw our heavyweight and goes, Yeah, is him looking for John Heffron?

And then this guy started laughing. He's like, he's too small. Because when I was in high school, I was maybe 5'6", 100. I wrestled 105 pounds so I didn't grow until after like 3 years

105? 105 Jesus and then 119 that's not even a real weight is when I wrestled I know right if I find a woman

who's 105 pounds I'm like yeah you're pretty small yeah did you try to say you would fuck John if he was 100 pounds? I would have to see a picture

when were you thinking about joining the military? Same time, 17, 18. It was kind of interesting. Instead of college, I was like, fuck it, let's just go to the military. Yeah, I was going to go

for college. I was thinking National Guard. I was like, you can get paid. You only have to put up some cones during a flood or something. I really want to be in the military.

I really want to fight jets. Do you remember, that's the Bush administration changed all that bullshit. The National Guard used to be a safe way to not go to war. To war.

And you were helping people. You were still getting the money. No, it's active duty. And they split families up. And it's rough. Well, even if you look at Rambo, remember it was all National Guard guys

went after Rambo. And the whole movie was making fun of these National Guard guys. Like, they didn't know how to do anything. Hey, I gotta get back to the store. And now, the National Guard guys like yeah they don't know how to do anything hey I got to get back to the store there's a now the National Guard guys

are as bad asses anyone else you know the dude I do jujitsu with and he was in the Army Reserve for 20 years and 20 days left in his 20 year tour 20 years 20 days left they sent him to Iraq for a year and a half so what they start before that your time is over they can just lock you in it doesn't matter and they can bring you back

they can bring you back anytime they want they recall you they're hurting so bad nowadays I'm surprised they're not just like oh you're an evil scout

you gotta go to fucking Iraq I think they're actually recruitment there's a lot of dudes who go over there because they think they're doing the right thing

there's a lot of dudes like Pat Till there because they think they're doing the right thing. There's a lot of dudes like Pat Tillman, dudes who joined the army and joined the Navy. They think they're doing it to protect this great country. Especially then in like 2001, 2002.

People had that theory. But once they get in, then they realize you're getting fucked. And that's what happened with Pat Tillman. I mean, he was a huge critic as was his brother

of how fucked up things are over in Iraq and Afghanistan and you know obviously wound up killing them they killed Friendly Fire I remember a year ago

I did a show and I got back to tell Roman I googled oldest age to join army really you could be old

as fuck right nah they bumped it up to 42 43 but that's like 20 years longer than

now would you be enlisted there? No, you do it... Would you go straight to officer corps? I heard a couple things. One, they would like say, I join at, you know, 40. They give me a job that... And take a 19-year-old out of that job and then throw that 19-year-old on the line.

So like the older guys is like... But I know one of my wife's friends, she's an Airborne Ranger. She said she has privates in her thing that are, like, 37, 38 years old. Wow. Privates, you know, just guys that are infantry. There's a lot of dudes, man, that have no fucking money, and they don't have anything in their town, and there's no options. That's, like, something to do.

What's the difference? You get taken care of for the rest of your life. If you're taking something to do, you're going to go to war. Or he's like... Well, yeah, now would be a major problem. I'm talking about in general. We've been at war for eight years, dude. We've been at war for eight years, man.

Joining the military for the last decade has been no joke. It's just... What the fuck, man? When I was a kid, Vietnam ended when I was a little boy. And I remember thinking very clearly that, oh, this is a good thing because now there's not going to be any more war. Like, obviously, everybody hates war.

You're never going to go to war again. And then when I was like 21, it was the first Gulf War. Me and my buddy Jimmy Dottilio, we had an apartment together in Waltham, Massachusetts. It was ethnic. Jimmy Dottilio. Two guineas hanging out in Waltham, Massachusetts. Sounds so ethnic. It was ethnic. It was a Toledo. Two guineas hanging out in Waltham. And we're sitting in front of the TV and the fucking, the first strike happened. And they showed the missiles coming in and the bombs going off.

And I was like, holy shit. And me and Jimmy watched it like we were watching a football game. And we were like, dude, we're at war. Holy shit. I remember being in college then and the two guys I lived with were all reservists, and then they got called up. So they were probably 20, 21 years old, 22, got called up and went down to, they were going to start to help train.

At the time, everybody was like, there's going to be a draft. There's going to be a draft. So we all thought, because we were at that age, we were 20, 21, we're like, holy crap, we're going. Yeah. Oh, yeah. There was a serious talk of that yeah yeah so scary man i remember when the first golf war happened we're practicing in basketball and

it was the opening night of some play some high school play and somebody came in like the play bomb the plane the planes bomb i just thought things like the play bomb oh it's hilarious why are you breaking up our practice for that so yes, yes, I'm a little happy about it. Yeah, the whole thing is so surreal. I got woken up. I don't remember who woke me up, but somebody woke me up and called me and told me that America's under attack. Yeah, that's what they said. America's under attack.

And I was like, what? Turn on the news. America's under attack. And we just are so removed from all the shit that goes on in the rest of the world. We are so removed from what war really is. Unless you talk to someone who's actually been over there and come back, and they have a very different opinion of it. But we're so fucking removed from it over here.

When I saw that shit on TV, I was like, what? Really? This isn't a movie? I was like, your heart starts beating faster. It's like, all of a sudden, this team you're on is under attack. You know? I mean, it's not you, but it's like we're all in this team together. And you don't think about that through your day-to-day life.

You can say you're happy to be an American and shit and you believe in democracy and I'm a Republican. But you don't really realize you're on some team until the team's attacked. Right. And then you're like, so dudes that did nothing, dudes who didn't know these dudes came over and killed them just because they were living

on this part? Yeah. They were living in this patch of dirt so people were killing them. I thought that was only movie shit. My brother's over there now. Is he? Afghanistan.

He just got called up again. Oh my God. Yeah. That's what happens. He just got called up again. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's what happens. When you go through a tour, if you sign up for the military, Dick Cheney instituted some new situation where they can just kind of keep bringing you back. Well, he's still in active reserve, so he knew he was eventually going to get called up again. But when they were in a situation where people had done their tours and they were bringing him back.

Yeah. Ugh. They were in a situation where people had done their tours and they were bringing them back. Randall, Masker, how long are you going to ask the same question over and over and over again? Is some dude asking the question over and over again? I've seen it ten times. Joe, who gets more women? Why are you reading it?

I'm just rewarding him. He's still doing it. When people ignore you Because he's still doing it. So. All right, we'll take some. Yeah, when people ignore you sometimes, you ever make a joke, like, in public, and nobody laughs, and then you hear somebody, like, make the same joke again

because they assume nobody heard them? And it's like, dude, look at their response and fucking take that to mean they didn't find it funny. It's the worst that someone thinks you weren't listening, and then they say it again. Yeah, one, that means it's not in the moment.

That means you're trying to make this joke this guy says all the branches other than the army are overloaded actually i don't know i believe that now now i think he's probably telling truth i would think that in this economy i would there's a lot yeah a lot of people are it's a lot higher than look at what was it how long two years ago new orleans you know we didn't have enough people to sit in there you know two years ago wasn't it wasn't a lot more than two years ago when was katrina what year was that oh maybe it was longer because that was when i first heard about kanye west when he was like george bush hates black people that was way that's my favorite was was michael myers reaction because he's just a Hollywood guy.

Yes, these people tell us. And he's like, ooh, I do not want to be associated with this. He's just so uncomfortable. I know. He got so, I mean, that was like one of the blackest, most dangerous things you could say. And he was like, what? Why am I in this picture? George Bush does not like black people.

Wow. George Bush hates black people, right? Did he say hates or does not like? George Bush hates. Did he say hates black people? I think it's hates. Yeah, I think it is. He said hates? George Bush hates black people right did he say hates or does not like George Bush did he say hates black people I think it's hates he said hates

George Bush hates black people yeah you know why why is that guy still on TV he's like fucking spidey

but now he's on TV because he's a douche bag and because people are looking for him to do something wrong his like his reason for being on TV

has evolved it used to be like here's this young artist now it's like this guy's such a cock like have him close to the camera and probably do something stupid and everybody will hate him and it'll get you a million hits has evolved. It used to be like, here's this young artist. Now it's like, this guy's such a cock. Like, have him close to the camera and he'll probably

do something stupid and everybody will hate him and it'll get you a million hits on YouTube. You know, like when he took that microphone away from that girl, he'll be hated forever.

You don't do that! What was even worse was his fake apology on Leno later. He was trying to work up tears but he couldn't quite do it. Oh, he's so,

so weak. And he was just saying he's going to take a step back and he's not going to work on some show. He's going to go, shut the fuck up. My favorite is when he says, please, just let me be great. George Bush doesn't care about black people. Doesn't care?

Yeah, that's what I thought it was. Thank you, our adder boy. Yeah, hate is a very strong word. Hate might make Mike Myers flinch and pee a little. Yeah. Might let a little dribble go. This could ruin my career. What happened to that dude?

Mike Myers? Yeah. They're actually making a new Austin Powers movie right now. Yeah, but that last movie was awful. That last movie was death. Tarantino put him in Glorious Bastards. And it was horrible. It was so like,

why is this guy in here? It was weird because he wasn't being funny so then it's like, why would you put clearly someone who's known as a comedic actor. I just really hate him now.

So you hate Michael Myers? That last movie just rubbed me the wrong way. I was like, dude, you're doing the same movie but this is awful. Yeah,

but it's an Indian So American Axe Murder wasn't bad because he wasn't overdoing it he was just like a little bit I never saw that

that was a great movie 10 years ago people are asking to take a break why? because we've been on straight for a while what does that mean?

they can't leave the fucking screen? they don't want to miss anything I'm going to go to the bathroom when I get up. Well, we're going to end soon. Yeah, we're done.

We're done at 5. Because it's 4.30, and I have to do some sort of an interview with some people in Australia for a gig I'm doing in Australia. I'm not trying to drop names. You know what I'm saying? I'm doing theater in Australia, kicking it international style like my boy Soulja Boy. Holla. What happened to that guy?

Soulja Boy. That's not a knife. This is a knife guy. Oh, yeah. He used to be like... He got as famous as was possible for him. Yeah. Wasn't he in commercials first?

Yes. He was huge. Somebody just made a reference. Paul Hogan, right? Yeah. Was that a golf guy? Was that a family guy or Simpson just made a reference about him? He was like, I want to get hugely famous like that guy

from Crocodile Hunter and then not Crocodile Crocodile Dundee yeah. Yeah and then not famous at all like that guy

from Crocodile Dundee. Yeah how weird is that? It was gone. That guy was doing movies and shit? Took his millions and left. Yeah is that what he did?

Just build a Hollywood? No I think. I think we got sick of him as a country but yeah. I think people just But he only did two Crocodile Dundees

and then no other movies didn't try to like be in someone else's film. Yeah, we didn't see him in a romantic comedy. Yeah, you think he would've tried.

You're the crocodile guy. He must have lost some money on his movie and said, fuck him. Have you seen the preview for the new MacGruger movie? You know that MacGruger,

MacGyver? They may have a whole movie coming out. And usually SNL movies. MacGyver or MacGruver? MacGruver. It's a take on MacGyver on Saturday Night Live. And there's a movie on it? They're have a whole movie coming out. Usually SNL movies... MacGyver or MacGruver? MacGruver. It's a take on MacGyver on Saturday Night Live. There's a movie on it?

They're making a movie. They have a new preview that just came out. The funny thing about SNL movies is that they usually always have the best parts in the preview. There's not one part in this movie that looks good. That is the worst. When you go to a preview and you just sit there and go oh what the fuck are they doing like why would someone like promote this yeah there's nothing

worse than bad comedy because at least bad drama is hilarious you know bad drama like showgirls or something like that those are genuinely funny movies you know i got some um left behinds they're uh they're the're the Rapture videos that fucking Kirk Cameron dude makes. Holy shit are they awesome. They're so good. They're so beautifully stupid. Watching Kirk Cameron get owned on YouTube is one of my

favorite pastimes. He's so dumb. I saw a Kirk Cameron movie in the theater. Did you really? The one where he's on debate team. I don't remember what it was but it was like a group date with Conor Lieber and a few other people

we got driven there I think Conor had her license yeah it was a debate movie and I remember the big climax at the end

was like cause some teacher taught them in a clear move to the rest of the movie that he sounded like he was being real

but he really wasn't and then later was like were you serious about that he was like he was being real but he really wasn't. And then later he was like are you serious about that? Yeah, I was. I guarantee you, Kirk Cameron loves the cock.

I guarantee you he loves the cock. There's no doubt about it. There's no way he's that crazy, gung-ho Jesus, the rapture, no sin, no masturbation, no love. Fucking gay as the day is long. I don't think so. no sin no masturbation no love fucking gay as the day

is long I don't think so you know he said that he was fighting it with every fiber of his

being trying to stay in the straight and narrow like girls and meanwhile he just wants fucking cock

cock mouth I just heard that Herschel Walker was talking about when you doing his fight uh huh

and he said he doesn't masturbate yeah but he's crazy Herschel Walker has talking about when you were doing his fight. Uh-huh. Strike voice. And he said that he doesn't masturbate. Yeah, but he's crazy. Herschel Walker's got, like, split personality disorder. Yeah. I heard it was trauma-related. I thought it was trauma-related. He said that, like, he didn't remember getting his Heisman Trophy.

Like, he's got all these different... Dude, think about how many times that guy must have had concussions. I don't know if he's a big concussion guy, though. He plays football. Everybody gets concussions playing I don't know if he's a big concussion guy, though. He plays football. Everybody gets concussions playing football, right? Quarterbacks get it. No, a quarterback who's had the most will be like eight ever. But that's quarterbacks.

They take blindside hits all the time. Jesus. I was standing there when somebody fucking crushed them helmet to helmet, which doesn't help as much. Yeah, but any time you get hit, even if you're not getting a concussion, you're getting fucking rattled. Even if you get up and you get back up, when you get smashed into by some giant dude who's running a full clip, even if you don't go out and even if you don't have a concussion where your pupils are dilated,

you got some brain damage, son. You just got jarred. That's reality. And when you do that shit over and over and over again, football's one of the most dangerous things for guys. I saw Ben Roethlisberger last week. No, it wasn't Ben Roethlisberger. Was there a big quarterback? Whoever it was.

Oh, Kurt Warner, who threw an interception, went to make a tackle, and then he just got blindsided. And you see him on the ground with his trainers over him, and he's, like, talking, but you can clearly see he's not making any sense. He's like, no, no, I'm on the... And you're like, all right, stay, stay'm all, and you're like, they're like, alright, stay, stay. that's nuts.

That happens a lot. I got one concussion once. Really? I fought a, Danny Bonaduce hit me in the back of the head we were sparring and I kind of went down

but he said it was the slowest knockout ever. Like, I went to one knee and he goes, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm good.

And then I went to the other knee, are you sure you're okay? Yeah, everything's fine. I'm just gonna like, okay and I was like yeah yeah I'm good and then I went to the other okay yeah I think fine I'm just gonna like literally I'm just gonna I'm gonna lay here for a second we have time if I can lay here that's what I'm saying to him oh my god long story short the girlfriend I was dating at time came to my apartment goes you bought a VCR and I go no she was just the best buy with the VCR thing over there who's is it go over it's my signature um bought a VCR thing over there. Whose is it? Go over. It's my signature. Bought a VCR. This is back when people bought DVDs, though. So I even bought the older VCR, and I bought it the way home after I left the place.

Wow. He didn't realize you bought it. And then she goes, what's the matter with you or whatever? And I go, well, sparring and all. And then she's like, you look. And then we went to the doctors, and then I lifted up a foot, and I fell, and then da-da-da, and the whole thing. Wow. That sounds like a state of when you just wake up, and somebody's like.

Well, there's no football players that said they don't remember. Like, Trey could say he would play a whole quarter and didn't remember playing the whole. Joe Dirksen. Some fighter said that. Joe Dirksen fought Patrick Cote, and it was an awesome fight. Patrick Cote caught him with a big shot, had Dirksen hurt. Then Dirksen wound up taking his back and choking him out. It was fucking chaos an awesome fight. Patrick Cote caught him with a big shot, had Dirksen hurt and then Dirksen wound up taking his back

and choking him out. It was fucking chaos. Great fight. And I ran into Dirksen after the fight. We were on the way to the press conference. I go, dude,

that was a fucking awesome fight. I go, what a comfort behind victory. He goes, I don't remember it because I don't remember what happened. I go, you don't remember what happened?

He goes, no, man, he cracked me. I don't remember what happened. I didn't get his back. But this wasn't even an interview. This was just me and him backstage. I go, you got his back and didn't get his back. But this wasn't even an interview. This was just me and him backstage. I go, you got his back

and you did the BJ pen. You pulled the hook over the arm, trapped the arm and you choked him out. I go, it was beautiful, man. Wait till you see it. He's like, I don't remember it. I'm like, wow.

That's crazy. There was that one guy he did an interview and he goes, I don't remember that. I thought it was a joke. And he was like, oh, no, I don't remember this at all. Yeah.

Was that against Dan? Cole Miller against Dan Lozon. Yeah. He got dropped. And he was like, oh, no, I don't remember this at all. Was that against Dan Lozon? Cole Miller against Dan Lozon. He got dropped. And I thought, what were you thinking? How badly were you hurt when he got dropped? He goes, I got dropped? He didn't remember it. Yeah, when it came on, he goes, oh, wow, I did.

Like, his reaction was so real. Tim Sylvia, when he fought Randy Couture, when Tim Sylvia got cracked in the first round he woke up going into the fourth round yeah he didn't know

what round it was he thought the second round was the fourth round or he thought the fourth round was the second round he was off by two

he missed two rounds or the fifth I think it might have been the fifth because they told him this is the last round he was like what the last round

he thought it was the second round he was gone he was fighting on autopilot your body trying not to die dude you know He thought it was like the second round. Like he was gone. Just erased the whole thing. He was fighting on autopilot. It's just your body trying not to die. Dude.

You know, just random nerves just randomly thrown. Getting blasted. I love like striking training. I love like hitting the pad and hitting the bag. And sparring with somebody you can trust is fun. Yeah, if you can find that guy that knows 70% is 70%. Even some dude punched you in the face recently in your Krav Maga class. Yeah, same thing. That's why I enjoy training, like you said.

Literally, I go, let's go 40% because I got some. Right, and if people don't know, when you do striking sparring, the whole deal is that you don't hit each other hard. You hit each other a little bit, but you don't try to knock each other out. Yeah, there's nothing. And so I'm like, and my problem is I don't get in close enough. So I told the guy, let's go 40. That way if I do get drilled right in the face, it's not going to.

So then I throw a kick, but I'm throwing a kick at 40%, which means any little kick could grab that kick. It's not going fast. So he swoops it, grabs it and then punches as hard as he could after he catches my foot. I lay in there and I'm like yeah that's what I'm going to do more Jiu Jitsu

because the worst thing that's going to happen to me is somebody's going to tap me out. I mean that could be that fluke weird but it's more of a jump not a gentleman's board it's just a technical attack them when the worst thing happened is I go like that and I'm not going man I are just weird plant where I'll be in the face slow down good guys don't hurt you good guys are the least you know worry about like with a guy like Eddie if he gets your arm he's gonna have full control he's not gonna pull it back and snap least thing to worry about. With a guy like Eddie, if he gets your arm, he's going to have full control. He's not going to

pull it back and snap it. You've got to worry about strong blue belts that are just starting to learn how to tap people. Those are the ones you've got to worry about. Or just real hyper-aggressive and they don't know how to relax yet. Or super powerful white belts who are just learning moves.

The most you'll get is bruises all over your fucking When you spar somebody, especially, like, if I find a place wherever I'm performing, that's a better story for them than just being knocked out the comic that way. That's a way better story

than, hey, I want to work on getting inside. Do you mind if I... But then again, there's some places that you go to where people don't try to do that at all.

Like, when I went to Amal Easton's place in Boulder, when I moved there and I started training there, people couldn't have been nicer. Everybody was cool. There was no assholes. There was no aggro dudes. No one trying to tap you.

No one getting crazy. I mean, they were trying to tap you, but they weren't trying to crush you. They were just rolling. It's all from how cool the instructor is. If the instructor is cool, then the people are cool. Like, Eddie's so friendly and so relaxed and so cool to everybody that everybody in the whole gym

carries that friendly, relaxed attitude. You know, you go to like, John Jock's the same thing. John Jock's a real nice guy. So everybody there is nice. Eddie was so high the other day

that he started talking and he went up to hand it and then I was like, I wonder if, and then you see the other people laughing. Like, he's gone. He got so high,

he spent the first five minutes of class talking about some history channel documentary on ufos the first five minutes like dude they got scientists man they got pulling down nasa people man going down it's like dude it's on the history channel going down i'm like how high are you right now on the History Channel. Shit's going down. I'm like, how high are you right now?

How often do you do, do, do, do? Once, once to 1.5 times a week. But you still, see, even that once. Yeah.

Gets you thinking about it. I just get so mad at myself. Like, I'll go, you learn some stuff and then you come back and you just hold somebody going, I used to remember something. I don't remember today

and then. You try to hold them while you figure it out. It's like standing in a company. You gotta just be like, running so many times. I don't know when you just stand up and you take a couple remember that I and then you gotta consistently you gotta just be like running so many times I don't know when you just stand up and take a couple of weeks off

and then try to do your act like how's this go you don't even remember your bets you have to like review your recordings I forgot a shit ton I took an extended period off and I forgot a shit ton

I was like I know I can do something here I don't have any idea yeah you forget a lot of shit I forgot completely forgot how to do this there's this move

to break the armbar that was called the Silverado. It was my favorite move when I was at Purple Belt. I completely forgot about it. Right. We were reviewing it the other night. I'm like, oh, yeah, it's there. That's how it goes in. You know, I forgot how to do it.

But it was like one of my favorite moves. It's weird. Jiu-Jitsu, there's so many moves. That's the crazy thing about it is it's never ending. Do you think it's not matched, right? You think a year from now some guy would do something that's – Oh, yeah. Right?

No one's done it. Because it comes off what other people are doing. Yeah. It depends off what's based on what you do. But then no one has ever thought to defend this move yet because it hasn't been invented. So once it does get invented, then you've got to have a counter. There's this new move that dudes have been doing real recently called the Japanese necktie, and it's just come out.

I think Aoki was the first person to do it. In the program? Yeah. It's, no, Japanese necktie

is like a, it's sort of like a darts but you, you, you grab it, you grab it with a gable grip and you turn the guy's head

up towards his chest and you have your chest pinned on him. It's fucking nasty. It's one of the, and it's new. It's like, how did no one know this before?

Right, right, yeah. People are in this position all the time and they're trying to get the darts choked but really there's, there's an even better choke It's one of the best, and it's new. It's like how did no one know this before? Right, right, yeah. People are in this position all the time, they're trying to get the darts choke, but really there's an even better choke that's right there. So as soon as you lock up that gable grip and you get on top of a guy, you tuck it under and you're bending his fucking neck towards his chest. Your chest is on top of his head. He's got no air, no blood.

Whenever we do those drills and it's those cranks, I always pretend like we have an odd number of people in the class and I don't have a partner. No, you should do it, man. You should do it. It hurts. Yeah, but you do it anyway. You've got to relax. Just let them yank your neck around.

It's such a small difference between fine and serious pain. Yeah, but you've got to get used to that. No one's going to hurt you doing that, you know, but it's going to be uncomfortable. But that move, it's so important to learn where it comes on because, like like the japanese necktie comes on so quick the peruvian necktie too it's like oh you're going like this and then you're just jumping back and hopefully you don't go too far but it's a spazzy move it's awesome move peruvian necktie and japanese necktie both of them are the shit they fuck you up man that's a terrible position to be in. I think the Japanese necktie is even,

well, the Peruvian is pretty badass too. In the Peruvian, you got your weight on top of them always. The Japanese necktie, you're kind of like on the side and hooking it, but it doesn't matter. It's so good.

Such a powerful move like that. I think we're done. Do you agree, Brian? All right. I was just thinking of Japanese people. I'm like, have I ever seen a Japanese guy wearing a necktie?

In their time? Oh, okay. True, yeah. That was good. Brian? I was just thinking of Japanese people and I'm like have I ever seen a Japanese guy wear anything? No time. Okay. True. Yeah. That was good. Just to spend. Well what about that fucking

Japanese video game? That video that you posted? Maybe we should end with that because that is the most bizarre fucking thing I think I've ever

seen on the internet. There's some crazy Japanese video game that's like these two muscle bound gay guys wearing diapers and they're a human bicycle and they're riding down wearing diapers and they're they're a human

bicycle and they're riding down the road and they're getting chased and i mean it is one of the gayest weirdest things definitely lead the lead the the league in weirdness they're so strange do you know if people don't know there's like you can go to vending machines in japan you can buy used panties like that's real yeah you go places they sell used panties why can't we why can't we open one of those there yeah because you open one of those here just I have to do is get a girl to put it on real quick throw it in a bag and then yeah yeah I think you have enough people there because I think because I think I should have different levels

you have different levels one the girl wears it all day that the primo. She doesn't change her panties all day. No shower in the morning. No shower. She goes to the gym, and you get those stinky, sweaty, funky, moose knuckle underwears. I think you missed an opportunity for the Joe Rogan fanny pack line. I'm going to make them. And I was already thinking about your fashion show. I'm making fanny packs.

And then have used panties inside that. I'm making fanny packs. And then have used panties like that. We'll call them like Rogan. I mean you could probably get it so instead of it's fanny pack it's

oh you want a I mean there's some huge skulls and just People think I'm kidding about the fanny pack thing. You see me at the

airport. I always have one of those things on. You should shape a fanny pack like a skull. Like a three dimensional skull.

You can get a little crazy with it. It's overhead compartment for your junk. You're setting the sky's the limit on fanny packs. It's a huge opening. So easy to wear, so comfortable, so useful. A fanny pack's the shit. And then I can see fighters entering.

Well, that'd be a little bit of a thing. But, you know, sponsored by... Here's a good question. After seeing the Jew clam, what's going to shock us? This video we're going to show you is not as shocking as the Jew clam. I got to pee. Goodbye, everybody.

This is actually funny. I was going to pee. We'll turn off the webcam now and check it out. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, for another fun, fun Ustream podcast. I hope you enjoyed it. Jon Heffron needs more Twitter followers, people. It's

Jon Heffron, Heffron with two F's. And we love you, bitches. Thanks for tuning in. Have you seen this, Jon? Uh-oh. Have you seen this John? Uh uh.大当り!!大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後、大会の後 I'm not going to let you go. oh Look at the baby son I tell it, tell these That's what I'm saying Alright guys

Thanks for watching Bye everybody