The Joe Rogan Experience - #507 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: May 27, 2014

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comedian, actor and reality television host. Check out his new book "Life of the Party" on Amazon now! Sorry for any audible pops in the video, they are not in the Audio Only version on iTunes & Stitcher :) Click Here for the mp3 -- http://bit.ly/1lWtqa7

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night! All day! Powerful Bert Kreischer! It's just me and Bert and Jamie, even though I told motherfuckin' Brian to be here on time. I call him at 11 o'clock, waking him up.

My second alarm didn't go off. Fucking be there on time. Gotta be early tomorrow. him up. My second alarm didn't go off. Fucking. Be there on time. Gotta be early tomorrow. No problem. No problem. That fuck. You know what it's like having an employee like that? I only know what it's like to have him as a friend

and that's fucking fascinating. It's fascinating. Yeah. Imagine relying on him. Anyway. We're here. We're here. We're queer. Get used to it. It's so funny that you guys are still as close as you are. And considering that you guys met via the online and him doing videos, because everyone's like, if you have a podcast, everyone's like, I want to be a Red Band.

I want to be a Red Band. I'll come to your house, man. We'll hang out. I can't imagine how like it's like that you guys are, that, that, that worked, you know, that you and Brian worked, that, that he wasn't a lunatic and he just, and you guys are still friends. Well, he's definitely a lunatic, but he's, he's talented and he's funny. He's, he's in his own weird ways, you know, he's a quirky little guy. Yeah.

He's a, an odd fella. It's an interesting mix. It's an, dude, being in, uh, getting the trickle-down effect of your friends into my life has been fascinating. Like, Amber Lyon. I had her on my podcast. I only had her on my podcast because, like, I know you guys had a fascinating conversation. Then Duncan talked to her. Someone was like, you guys should podcast.

She comes over to my house. She's fucking amazing. Yeah, very cool. She's really insanely smart Yeah It's like And like Stanhope I was telling you with Stanhope

Stanhope and I just met The other night And like hung out We had known each other Through standup He calls me He's like I'm coming in hot

I'm out of Burr's house And you know Stanhope When he's like That shaky morning I'm gonna be there early Okay So I told my wife I go I'm gonna go run

And get beer for Stanhope And you can hang out with him She's like I'm not hanging out With early. Okay. So I told my wife, I go, I'm going to go run and get beer for Stanhope, and you can hang out with him. She's like, I'm not hanging out with Doug Stanhope. She's like, no fucking way. So I go, you go get beer. I'll wait for Stanhope. And they just happen to meet on the front porch. And here's the thing that no one gets about Stanhope.

He is a very real person. Like, he's not like, they think he's this guy on stage that's like, abortion and AIDS and rape. But he's like a genuinely a real person. So we go back, we drink, we do a podcast for like fucking four hours. What time was this? Three in the afternoon.

Okay. I thought it was the morning. No, three in the afternoon. We start. And then my wife, and this is what blew me away is my wife goes, you know, just, Hey, we're, I'm serving the girls dinner. Doug, would you like to stay for dinner? Now, everyone knows the answer you're expecting to hear is no, I'm not going to hang out with your family.

But Doug is such a real fucking person. He's like, I'd like that. So he sat down with my daughters. Why do you find that so odd? That's strange. Maybe it's me, but so many people would be like, no, no, no, no. Like that intimacy, like to share a meal with a family, that intimacy that not everyone has. I don't know.

Maybe it's I've known Doug for so long. You've known Doug. I think what people know of Doug is different than what you know of Doug. where whenever someone's a comedian it's like this rabble-rousing drinking you know abortion proponent yeah like Doug is you just assume that it's an act and then he's just like this like kinesin guy like all day long but when Doug talks about something on stage it's because these are like actual opinions that he's formulated. Yeah.

One of the things that's a real problem with that kind of edgy comedy, one of the reasons why edgy comedy a lot of times sucks, the distastefulness. A lot of it, what it comes from is a lot of these fucking guys that are faking it. Yeah. What they're doing is they're trying to be edgy. They're trying to find the edgy point of view. I mean, how many times have you gone to either an open mic night or a showcase night, and there's a comic that goes up that's saying a bunch of really mean shit that's not funny,

but he thinks it's going to be funny if he's just edgy, if he just says something inflammatory or rude or mean. Yeah. I was that comic, I think, to an extent. Like, I didn't know what my voice was. Yeah, I think a lot of us were. I definitely was in the beginning. You become that because you're just trying to,

I always describe that two stages of the comedy, the first stage is just trying to figure out what works. Like, you're terrified. You don't want to bomb. You're just trying to, it's almost like you have tools. Like, how do I cut this wood? Can I use a saw? Yes, a saw works.

Can I use a hammer? No, you can't cut with a hammer. Okay, don't try the hammer again. Yeah. And then there's a while where you're like, stay the fuck away from hammers. Hammers really fuck me. Shit. And then people will give you advice.

Dude, I brought up a hammer in Fort Lauderdale and the audience killed me. Yeah. Okay, no more hammers. Or someone like Otel will go, dude, I like up a hammer in Fort Lauderdale and the audience killed me. Yeah. Okay, no more hammers. Or someone like Attell will go, dude, I like the way you used that hammer. And you're like, even though I'm bombed, I'm sticking with the fucking hammer. Back with the hammer. Back with the hammer. We're going to rework the hammer.

Attell likes the hammer. Attell likes the hammer. It's so true. If you're friends, that becomes a real problem with comics, by the way. Shout out to the young comedians out there listening. Do not try to make the back of the room laugh. Oh. That becomes a real issue and it's ruined guys' careers.

Where comics will say obscure shit just to make their comedian friends go, ha, ha, ha. You are only making someone laugh who knows you're doing, like, anti-comedy. Yeah. There's guys that have, like like that were talented funny guys that thought that like telling an actual funny joke was beneath them and what they wanted to do was only make the comics laugh because those are their peers and they fucked themselves man yeah they there's a lot of guys that fuck themselves doing that the difference is when you hear someone who does make the back of the room laugh with his obscure joke, he didn't write it. I'll use the tell as

an example. I remember the line was, I was sitting in the back with Patrice and I'm, by the way, I apologize if my memory of these events isn't accurate, but I'm telling you what I remember. I was with Patrice in the back of the comedy cellar, sitting next to Patrice

and I weren't like good friends at all, but Lisa Lampanelli walked through and he made a joke about her. This is before she was who she is today. He made a joke about her and she laughed. And then he didn't. And then he said, the joke was, and I hate that I'm even saying this now, but he's like,

oh, look at her. She's smiling like the special needs girl after she got raped by the softball team, or the baseball team. I'll see you guys tomorrow. And I remember Patrice and I were on fucking stitches. And we were like, but he wasn't, he was really hoping everyone would get that. But no one got it except for the two of us. What do you mean by get it?

Like get the joke. Like the joke was, and it was very, it's very obscure, but there was a book written. And I only know this because I was working at Barnes & Noble at the time. There was a book written about a baseball team that raped a mentally challenged girl in Jersey and they all got away with it

whoa yeah they all got away with it and but the joke was I'm fucking butchering this and tells me I never said that I don't

because now it's like out of context I'm making him sound bad but I don't mean to but I remember Patrice and I laughed fucking hysterically and she laughed too. She laughed, but she laughed.

The joke was, oh, look at her. She's laughing like the special needs girl that just got raped by the baseball team and said, okay, I'll see you guys tomorrow. Like the special needs girl didn't understand that what had just happened was horrible to her. And Dave was making that analogy that she didn't understand that he wasn't being nice. Right, right, right. Yeah. People give a lot of shit to Lisa Lampanella. People give a lot of shit to Lisa Lampanella. People give a lot of shit.

Lisa Lampanella and I don't get along. Really? Yeah. How come you guys don't get along? I was doing radio one time in Tampa with my buddy Cowhead, and I lived in Tampa. I wasn't doing dates. I was just hanging out.

Uh-huh. And I was visiting my family, and I go in and do radio in the morning, and she came by, and she was like, he needs to leave. And Cowhead's like, oh, he I, my, my, I was visiting my family and I go in and do radio in the morning and she came by and she was like, he needs to leave. And Coward's like, oh, he's not promoting anything. He's just here. She's like, yeah, I don't do radio with other comics. And he's like, yeah, but he's a friend of the show.

He just, he'll trust me. Bert's good. He'll just laugh. He'll have a good time. He'll set you up. And she was like, well, then I don't do the show. And he's like, well, he's my friend. I'm not going to ask him to fucking leave.

She was like, he either leaves or I leave. And I was like, and, then I don't do the show. And he's like, well, he's my friend. I'm not going to ask him to fucking leave. She was like, he either leaves or I leave. And I was like, and I actually kind of knew her. So I went to go say something to her, and I guess as soon as she saw me, she fucking bolted. And so I was like, what the fuck was that? How long ago was this? This was a long time ago. So long ago, she probably didn't remember.

But like probably nine years ago, seven years ago. Wow. And I just was like, I was like, I was, cause I, I wanted to pay her like the biggest fucking compliment. Cause I'd known her when she would wear the gold chains on stage and the rings. She used to wear gold chains and rings? Oh, she used to go on stage with the, with the huge Mercedes emblem around her neck. Yeah.

And gold rings all over her hands. No way. Swear to God. And, and, and be like a rapper, like. Oh no. Like yo, yo, yo, yeah. And gold rings all over her hands. No way. Swear to God. And be like a rapper. Oh, no. Like, yo, yo, yo, yo. I'm down with the black dude. Oh, my God.

It wasn't a thought-out act like she has. Like, her act now is a lot more clean. Right. She would wear, like, a costume on stage. And I wanted to compliment her. And maybe she was afraid I'd say that. I don't know. But I wanted to compliment her and say, you're killing it. Like, like i was excited to see her but she didn't want me in the room

that's wild maybe she takes so much shit or took so much shit from comedians though that she just didn't want to have anything to do with the the possibility of being judged i i you know i could relate to that feeling i kind of get it totally Especially if she did a lot of, you know, she experimented with a lot of stuff and tried really hard. And a lot of people, like, gave her a hard time for her racial jokes, saying that she was trying too hard to be edgy and they would just be really mean to her. But I never got into that, man. My take on comedy is if I don't like it, why would I be mad at you? Like, I get it if it sucks. I don't want to listen to it. I don't like it, why would I be mad at you? I get it if it sucks. I don't want to listen to it.

I don't want to be there. But why would I be mad at you? For me to want to sabotage someone, I'd have to be. I would never do that. I don't like confrontation. So I could never do that. And if you make me laugh, I can't help it. You make me laugh.

Lisa Lampanelli made me laugh. Maybe it's just fucking too many dudes were fucking with her. Maybe it was just too much. So she just had this keep your eyes on the prize type thing in her head. And this guy's going to fuck with my vibe. Get him out. Probably. I mean, I was a lot more.

I was really burned up about it when it happened. And I was like, fuck Lisa Lampanelli. But I don't care. I don't feel that way at all now. It's neat to see her succeed in the global kind of way that she is. So this is like 2005-ish. Probably. She was getting a lot of heat for being a hack back then by a lot of comics because that was when she was just starting to become successful.

And you know that thing when people just start to become successful, the wave of resentment from all the fucking, all the comedians that just shit on you. Dude, I think that, I think that makes people not want to succeed. Oh, that's crazy. I think there are some sabotaging people where

you just. Oh, I don't think, maybe. They're fucking, they were never going to, they're just looking for a reason to not succeed if that's the case. If it's because somebody calls you a hack. I'm obsessed right now with the type of comic that maybe the art form

of stand-up isn't as important as fame. And like getting to the fame of it. Why would you be obsessed with it? Honestly, I'm not obsessed about it, but it's definitely where my head's at right now. Because I think in promoting the book that I'm promoting,

Non-Fucking-Stop, you feel like this disconnect from reality. And then I look at guys that are not really comics per se, but then go out and it's just more about being famous as opposed to being, you know what I mean? Is that making any sense?

Totally. You ever take an acting class? No. Have you ever took an acting class to be around those fucking people 24-7? They're fucking empty. That's all they do. Yeah. They're just looking to get it.

Well, you know what they really should have? They should have reality TV classes if you really wanted to get sick. People just, this is how you get a reality. That's what we should do. We should start a fucking seminar on how to become a reality TV star. Reality TV star is exactly what I'm talking about. Like the guys who just it's not about anything other than

just being famous. And you and I could probably qualify to teach that. You were on Trip Flip. You were on your other shows before that. Those were all sort of reality shows. And me, Fear Factor, that's sort of a reality show too. I mean, it's all reality.

But if we wanted to do that, if we wanted to do a quote-unquote reality show, we easily could get that done. We could start coaching people on how... That would be hilarious. Coaching people on how to be, like, the most vapid reality star. This is what you have to do. Teach them about conflict.

You've got to get involved in conflict with people online. As many famous people as possible. Twitter wars are good for business. Like, teach them about Twitter wars. Teach them how to make YouTube videos, calling people out. And this is the way to get it the most amount of hits. Photoshop your head on porn stars' bodies. Release it all over the internet.

People think it's real. You've got to have a porn tape. If you can have a porn tape, get a porn tape. But if you have a little dick, stay away from the porn tape. God. Can you imagine if you have a porn tape and it backfires? Like if you do a porn tape and you get a little tiny dick. Like you have no reference for

how big a dick is? Well maybe you don't watch porn. Yeah. Maybe it's like a comic who's never really watched comedy. You go on stage and you don't know what you're doing. You never really watch porn. Didn't that guy who was the fucking shooter in Santa Barbara say that he didn't watch porn because he would get jealous of the men in the porn videos?

I didn't catch that. i'm pretty sure that that that was something that that crazy fucking said that kid i read i read his manifesto i think he if he had had sex once he'd be like oh there's none of this is fucking worth it i watched the video i did i wasn't going to but yesterday i found myself watching it i'm just clicking through and looking at other stuff online. One of the reasons why I watched it is because it's now become this really odd thing where it's these feminists and men's rights groups are using it as a platform to do battle. It's become like this battlefield. Is that the yes women can?

No, yes all women. And I think what their campaign is, what they're trying to do with this hashtag is they're saying, guys are saying not every guy is like him. And what they're saying is, yeah, but yes, all women are subject to those assholes. And that yes, all women get fucked with. Yes, all women experience misogyny. Yes, all women experience sexism. My problem with all this from both sides is that it's not going to fix mentally deranged people. And we're also not being completely objective with why he is the way he is. There's obviously something really fucking wrong with your brain.

If you can go out and shoot a bunch of people and then shoot yourself, okay? Yeah. I think we could all agree on that. All agree on that. And obviously he had some extreme issues with his personality. If you watch the video, and you don't have to, I mean, I just did yesterday. But if you watch that video, you can see, like, he's a psychopath. There's something really wrong with this guy. There's something so wrong burgers. Who knows? I don't know what that means

You know, I don't like all these Wacky labels when it comes to mental illnesses because I'm not sure I trust them all you know Yeah, what he's on the spectrum. Oh, is he really what are you is this? Oh, can you weigh that you put that that spectrum on a scale can you make that guy uh jump in a tank of water and it reads how autistic he is like yeah i don't i'm not sure i believe you you know what i'm saying it's like adhd the kid's got adhd does he did didn't someone just say that they invented that and that it's not real i mean what does it mean he doesn't like school who the fuck does It's boring as shit If you put me in school right now

You would think I need drugs If they made me go back to high school right now They would put me on fucking Ritalin They'd be like This kid's got problems He's got the ADHD He's never gonna succeed in this life He's never gonna be a functional part of society

Unless he takes medication And becomes a fucking square peg You can't be living your life as a round hole You fuckhead Yeah, what do you think you're going to do? Just go sit on a stage and make people laugh? There's no fucking... I love that analogy of if you put them in a tank of water...

That's what they did with the witches. Well, they did it with body fat. That's what they tell your body fat percentage. That's how they tell if someone was a witch. Well, they drowned them. Yeah, they drowned them. They didn't really tell if they were a witch. If she doesn't die, she's a witch.

Yeah, well, sorry. We were wrong. I don't know if that's what they actually said, but they probably figured out some way that she's still a witch. I think I probably would have been registered on the spectrum somewhere. Fuck yeah, you would. Every comic we know would. Oh, every comic I know would. We were talking to Moshe Kasher yesterday about that.

We were talking about how, well, actually it wasn't him I was talking to Moshe Kasher yesterday about that. We were talking about how... Actually, it wasn't him I was talking to about that. But it was another comic recently about how you... We didn't talk about it yesterday, about finding early on... Who the hell was it? Which comic was in here? But finding someone early on

and recognizing, like, hey, it was Moshe. We were like, you're all fucked up in a lot of ways. Like, dude, get him right now. All these impulsive, like, hey, it was Moshe. We're like, you're all fucked up in a lot of ways. Like, dude, get him right now. All these impulsive, crazy, wild kids doing nutty shit. Get him right now and go, hey, you're probably a comedian. You know? It was yesterday. Yeah, it was Moshe.

But finding someone who can't pay attention in class is always mocking everybody. Hey, come here, come here, come here. There's hope for you. There really is. You're like the number one draft pick in this class as far as the stand-up comics draft. If I was going to come in, I'm an expert on comedy.

I've been a stand-up comedian a long fucking time. I could come in and I could sit down with all these high school kids and who's the biggest fuck-up? Come here, man. What do you get in trouble for? And the kid would start talking to me. If I can get this kid to relax and start saying, well, this fat fuck over here won't leave me alone.

Yeah. You know? And like, you know, and this bitch thinks her shit doesn't stink. And meanwhile, I know that she blew my friend. She denies it. And you could find some crazy dude who is probably a wild maniac. Like, can you imagine what Joey Diaz was like when he was 15 years old? Oh, my God.

Probably stabbing people in class, throwing bottles. I mean, who the fuck knows what he did? Who knows what that guy did? Yeah. But if you could be there at that time and go, hey, listen, you're probably a comedian. You could be a great comic. Like, all this other stuff, it's not going to work out, man. That lawyer thing that your mom's pushing for, shit

ain't going to happen. It's not going to happen. You'll go crazy. You'll jump off a fucking building, man. You're a goddamn comedian. There was no options in life when I was in college. It was like, you want to go sell carpet in East Georgia? Matt Kaiser can hook you up with that.

I was never going to sell medical supplies. I wasn't smart enough. God. I tried. I was never going to sell medical supplies. I wasn't smart enough. God. I tried. I tried doing the construction route. So hard. I couldn't work labor. It was so hard.

It would drive me crazy. I was doing it while I was still competing. And man, I worked with my buddy Jimmy. We did this Knights of Columbus haul. And it was all like a wheelchair ramp. So for like two weeks, it was just carrying pressure-treated lumber and bags of concrete. It was fucking brutal. And up to the end of the day, I had no energy to do anything.

I couldn't train. I didn't want to fuck. I just wanted to sleep. And then I'd get up in the morning, the alarm would go off, and I'd be like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. I can't believe I have to get up. I'm so tired. And you'd do it all over again. It was every day.

It was carrying, like, who knows how many hundreds of pounds of shit. And I just thought, I'm like, this is some people's life, man. Forever. And they just look forward to Saturday and Sunday, and then Monday comes along and they bite down on their mouthpiece and they fucking just go out there swinging and pick up those bags of cement and carry them up that fucking ramp. comes along and they bite down on their mouthpiece and they fucking just go out there swinging and pick up those bags of cement and carry them up that fucking ramp. I'll never forget that week.

Those two weeks that I worked for this construction company. I mean, it was a tough two weeks. It was the summer. It was hot out. It was a tough job. And ordinarily, you know, they're carpenters. Ordinarily, they don't have to deal with as many things like that. Like they, they build houses, but occasionally there's a weird project, like a giant wheelchair ramp at a Knights of Columbus Hall. It's a long-ass fucking ramp. Required a lot of cement and a lot of pressure-treated lumber. And the pressure-treated lumber, the splinters get in your hand.

And all I could think of is not feeling sorry for myself at all, but think, oh, like, you could get stuck here. Like, there's a whole lot like you could get stuck here. Like this is, there's a whole lot of paths and options in life. And I was, I was on a really bad one and I was like, Ooh, you get stuck here. I mean, it's a good, honest living. It's not as bad as a path of crime. It's not as bad as a path of exploitation. It's not, you know, it's not morally bad, but it was like, Ooh, this is going to be difficult and not very rewarding. This is going to feel terrible. And it does not going to pay you very much money either. If you want to be a grunt, if you want to be a laborer, it's tough work.

It's a real tough way to make a living. And I remember knowing because of that that I had to find a way out. And then almost within a year or so, I was doing stand-up. But it was a part of the whole evolution. Having that job was a part of my whole evolution because I was like, there's no way this can't happen. I'll go crazy. This will be a hellish life.

Because when someone is just telling you what to do all day and it's physically back-breaking and not rewarding, we're designed to want to play. Our mind wants to wander. We want to figure things out, and we want to build things. We want to create. We want to explore. We want to see new things.

That's what the human mind wants. It doesn't want to carry bags of dirt up a fucking ramp all day. Bags of rocks and dirt and fucking lumber all day. Yourags of rocks and dirt. And fucking lumber all day. Your body doesn't want that. Your mind doesn't want that either. Your mind wants to do other shit. Your mind wants to go find some pussy. Do you think there are guys that really genuinely love that job?

I don't know. I would hope so. Who knows what people like. I don't understand the Grateful Dead. There's people out there that love them. Oh, I love the Grateful Dead. There you go. I'm not? I don't understand the Grateful Dead. There's people out there that love them. Oh, I love the Grateful Dead. There you go. I fucking love the Grateful Dead. I'm not saying you shouldn't love the Grateful Dead.

I bet there's a lot of shit I like that you don't like. Do you like Dwight Yoakam? I love Dwight Yoakam. I love Dwight Yoakam, too. Huh. Johnny Cash? Love Johnny Cash. My dog's named Johnny Cash.

Yeah. Okay, I'm going to tell you. I'll name something I think you don't like. Okay, go ahead. Do you like the Smiths? something I think you don't like. Okay, go ahead. Do you like the Smiths? No. Do you like the Violent Femmes? No.

Are you shitting me? No. I don't hate them. I'm just not drawn to them. Yeah. But I like weird shit. Like, I like Tonetta. Do you know who Tonetta is?

No. He's this, like, transvestite guy in Toronto, and he does these crazy youtube videos and they get like fucking millions of hits i actually bought his vinyl because he sold a vinyl so i'm like if i ever get a record player i want to have this guy's shit because this guy's doing it completely on his own he's up in toronto he's apparently got a kid and his son like does not like it his son is like full grown he's probably in his 50s this guy. And he does all of his own music. He makes all of his own really crude videos.

Like super low budget. Some of them are just like a towel that's hanging in front. There's him in that image dancing around. Oh my god. Oh, I can see he has a son not enjoying that. Yeah. Well, that's just one of his more extreme videos.

Almost all of his... No, there's other stuff. There's other stuff if you go to his YouTube videos. His YouTube videos are kind of interesting. They're like – Were those his real nipples? Low-tech. I think he, like, doctored them up. I just got into puffy nipples.

You just got into puffy nipples? Yeah. How'd that happen? Did you take a pill? No. No, I don't have one myself. Bump your head? No.

I was doing something somewhere, and I walked by, and the girl that was working the front desk, she didn't have a bra on, but her blouse, definitely you could see she had, they didn't look like nipples. They looked like nouns on her tits. And I just got caught off guard, And I was like, what is that? Like, I'd never seen them. I've never been up close with them in my life. It's amazing how much, like, whether you're pro or con, how much that can change things.

Like, some guys, like, are really into big nipples. And then some guys, like, almost no nipple. So someone could look at the same breast and one guy would be like, yes. Yeah. And another guy would be like, ugh. Like, I can imagine. I think it's foreign when you're like 14. Really?

Yeah, what you see first, I think, sometimes sets your formation. I'd never seen puffy nipples. And let me tell you something. I might have been creeped out if I ever saw them growing up. But, man, I got onto a... There's a Tumblr page. You're a drunk perv in your latter years. Go to Buffy Nipples. There's a Tumblr where it's like,

I'm glad you found me. I'm a fan too. Here's all the pictures I've accrued. Don't go there. I don't want to see that. Jesus Christ. People are so strange. What's the weirdest thing you've seen on a girl's body

that you've never seen on another girl that you were like, what the fuck is this? Nothing. Nothing? Like you've never seen a girl with hair on her back? No. Like hair on her asshole? Yeah, but that was standard back in the 80s, man. Yeah, that was.

I don't see it at all. It's only my wife. Make sure you don't see it. Yeah, I don't. Crack that whip. Hey, Brian. Yeah. Right. I don't. Crack that whip. Hey, Brian. Let's get back to what we were talking about to begin with, which was this, this battle that's going on with the, the men's rights and the, and the feminists.

It's pretty fascinating because I read this blog today where this, all right, here's the thing about all this stuff. It's, it's, it's certainly important to be nice to women. It's certainly important to be nice to men. It's certainly important to be nice to men. It's certainly important that we all get along and be cool with each other. But there's things that happen when something goes down and these really extreme versions of these ideas emerge. And on the men's side, the men's rights, some of these fucking creepers, some of these people are so gross that one of the

things that they're saying is that if women fucked this guy, that he wouldn't have gone on this rampage, and it's because all you stuck-up bitches wouldn't fuck this guy like this is what you created. Are you serious? Oh yeah, no bullshit. No bullshit. There's people out there in this world that genuinely

suck, and they genuinely hate women, and for whatever reason, whether it's the programming they got from their mother, whether it's the genetics that they got from their parents and their grandparents, I don't understand how personality is totally created. I don't think anybody truly does. I think it's all guesswork. I think there are occasionally, though, horrible examples of people who have gone through life and just been shit on and fucked over and they've turned into monsters. And so you'll run into them at age, whatever, 30, whatever the fuck old that guy is that wrote that thing. And you

essentially have a woman hating monster. That's the difference between feminism and the men's rights guys. Because if feminism, if they don't like men, no one's going to rape me. If women are upset with men, if you run into a similarly unhinged woman and she's bummed out about dudes, it's very rare that she's going to resort to violence. But a man who's like this guy that's like, she's fucking stuck up, bitches just fuck. That doesn't work the other way. It doesn't,

you're not going to hear that from women. So, the real problem with all this stuff, it's not like that these men's right guys are all evil or feminists are all cunts. It's that

we're doing, there's two sides doing battle with each other for no fucking reason. It's like, what side are you on? I'm the male side. I'm on the woman's side. How about just on the good human side? Because if you're on the good human side, all of it gets abandoned.

All of it. The whole battle gets abandoned. It's like they forget that this is all about the people who died for nothing. that this is all about the people who died for nothing. But what I'm saying is that instead of trying to attack each other and go back and forth, that shit is never going to fix anything. Instead of that, instead of even engaging in that, be more proactive and support the good human being ethics. Support the good human being idea.

Just fucking be cool to each other. Just be, and everyone who can't be cool to each other, keep them the fuck away from me. Keep them the fuck away from all of us. Our issues aren't like men versus women. Our issues are douchey fucked up men versus cunty women. That's our problem.

That's our real problem in this life. And the douchey fucked up men victimize more women than the women victimize men. If a woman victimizes a man, here's the big one you always hear. The big one you always hear is, this fucking bitch, she schemed him, she married him, she got pregnant,

she took all his fucking money, it was a plan the whole time. So what? So what? So what? Did she fuck him? Yeah. Then she did what he wanted. Yeah.

She wanted money. He wanted to fuck. They got together. She pretended to like him more than she did because she liked money. And the way to get him to give her the money is to pretend she likes him. It's not fucking rocket science. You're angry at that? So you're angry a dumb guy with money got roped in.

Well, guess what? As smart as he was to figure out how to make all that money, figure out how to get good with human communication so you know when someone's just a hooker. Yeah. Figure out how to spot some chick who's just trying to rob you because you're ugly and old, but you're rich as fuck. You thought she loved you.

Are you crazy? Are you fucking crazy? Do you have a mirror in your house? Go stand in front of it. Go smell your own breath, you fucking creep. You think she wanted to fuck you because you're hot? Come on. You had money.

She's got looks. It was an exchange. She got tired of it. She left. You didn't set it up right. Yeah. You did a bad job. You got fucked over.

You lost all your money. Start from scratch, stupid. You're not a little kid born in Ethiopia with no feet. All right? I don't feel for those guys. There's a big difference between a guy who's willing to just get in his car and start shooting people because chicks won't fuck him. And some girl who's trying to con some rich dude into marrying her and getting her pregnant so she could get a lot of money and fuck him over in a divorce. Who cares about that guy?

That's the worst thing that can happen? Child care and child support are the two ones that are really creepy because some relationships, they get so fucked up. And again, it's not a man versus woman thing. It's an evil person thing. fucked up and again it's not a man versus woman thing it's an evil person thing like men will be accused of doing crazy shit to their kids that they've never done anything but the wife hates the man so much like maybe the guy fucked around on her with some woman at work or something like that and got her pregnant some craziness and they're getting divorced women will say some evil shit just like men will say some evil shit. Men will make up things about their wife

having affairs. They'll lie about spending money. They'll plant drugs on each other and then call the cops on each other. People do that shit. That's one of the things cops look for in divorce cases. When someone calls in and says, this guy, my husband, he's using drugs. I know he's using drugs. Cops will go,

oh, really? Oh, yeah, he's using drugs. You guys getting divorced or something? Really? Fuck yeah. They have to. They have to. If you're a detective and you come and you're talking to someone, they're like, I found a bag of cocaine in my husband's underwear drawer. Did you really?

Okay, are you guys getting divorced? Yeah, because if you're getting divorced, I might want to put you on a machine that finds out if you're telling the truth or not. Would you be cool with that? Fuck out of here. People are crazy. Men and women.

Everyone's crazy. Now, what's the women's side? The women's side is that they have to deal with people like that all the time and that men don't and that we should respect it. But my point of view is that, I mean, what I've already said, but also that I think there's a lot of people that jump up when these things happen, and they look to make a big, grand statement. And I don't know if they're making a big, grand statement because they really think they're going to change things or because they want, like, moral brownie points.

Do you know those things where people do where you're like, ooh, I think you're kind of being gross here. I don't know why. I just feel gross about this. You know what I mean? Sometimes people do, they'll talk about shit, and you're like, I know that you believe this, but I also know you are loving all this, like,

positive, progressive brownie points you're getting with this article. There's like a bit of ego behind it that's quite distasteful. Wait, what was the article you read? Was this one about Seth Rogen? More than one. No, no, no, no. Did you hear about that one?

Yeah, but this is, no. This is all about the murder. All about the mass murder in Santa Barbara. Yeah. He had one about the mass murder? They blame Seth Rogen on the murder in Santa Barbara. Oh, my God. Some girl, I didn't read her article per se,

but it was a feminist writing an article about Seth Rogen saying this is what you get when you get when you make these male oriented movies like Neighbors where the women are just kind of like goodie bags at the end of the movie and the women don't have a voice and I think I'm by the way and I I'm paraphrase

never fucking listen to what I say I started this off by saying I had genital warts no no no you were worried that you had genital warts. No, no, no. You were worried that you had genital warts. I was worried. That's incredible. Judd Apatow slammed a movie critic. A movie critic?

Washington Post and Horton. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah. Well, you know, it's funny, but there's a lot of women that, you know, you go to the movies. Like, here's when I really thought about it for the first time. The first time I ever really thought about how weird it is and how biased movies are. And if I really do have white privilege, it's definitely in the movies. And this is why.

I went to see Planet of the Apes in a black neighborhood in Philadelphia with my friend Tommy Jr. and his girlfriend. And we were – What year is this? This is recently. The new Planet of the Apes. Yeah. This is such a better story if it's 1976. No, no, no, no, no.

This is the real... What year was the real Planet of the Apes? I think it was earlier than 76. I think this shit was really early. It was black and white, wasn't it? Was Planet of the Apes black and white? No. No, no, no, no, no.

The albino monkey. Excuse me. Anyway. So we were watching these previews for these movies, and every movie was about white people. Every movie was about white people over and over and over again. Because you're in that room, you're now seeing it. You're like, oh, fuck. Totally. And then when there's finally, 1968 was the original Planet of the Apes.

And when there's finally a scene where there's a black guy in it, the black guy was like a maniac. I forget what the thing was, but the black guy was like a complete over-the-top, you know, like, this motherfucker crazy! You know, like, I don't remember who the, I think it was Tracy Morgan. I think it was a movie with Tracy Morgan.

It was totally, completely buffoonish and over the top. And I was like, wow. And I never thought about it before, but I was sitting there in that movie theater surrounded by nothing but black people. And I was thinking, this is, what is this light? This is terrible. This is annoying. Yeah. And then I realized what it, you know, I'd never even considered it before as a privileged white male.

I just would go to the movies and like, oh, here's another fucking Tom Cruise movie. Yawn. Oh, are you really in space, Tom? Are you really going to save the world, Tom? Yawn. Oh, here's Bradley Cooper. He's taking a pill that makes him super smart. Yawn.

Oh, here's Scarlett Johansson. They just injected her with something that makes her super smart. Yawn. Oh, here's Scarlett Johansson. They just injected her with something that makes her super smart. Yawn. I saw the trailer with that Scarlett Johansson. What the fuck out of here? It's all white people. But if you're, you know, it's normal. But if you go to the black theater and you're watching it surrounded by black people and you're like, oh, my God, we're gross.

We're gross and we don't make any movies for black people, and you're like, oh my god, we're gross. We're gross, and we don't make any movies for black people. It's like, have you ever listened to Opie and Anthony with your kids in the car? Yes, for like a half a second. And can you realize, I would never get offended by Opie and Anthony. I don't even realize what they're talking about. When I listen, I just go, oh, this is great. This is so entertaining. And then your kids are in the car, and you're like, daddy, what's a Blumpkin?

And you're like, oh, fuck. It never gets that far. I turned on the car the other day, and Anthony was screaming, because she's a cunt. Because she's a cunt. I forget what it was. It might have been a best of. I don't know what it was. But it was just so ridiculous.

I heard the one with him. I'm sorry. It was, he's a cunt. He's a'm sorry. It was, he's a cunt. He's a cunt. It was, he's a cunt. Fuck, who is it about? God damn it. And I heard that episode before, so I went to hit the button.

Immediately shut it off. I'll listen to their old episodes, like when everyone's in. Yeah. Like Colin, Patrice. I'll listen to any of the ones Patrice was on. I was listening to a Patrice one they had on the other day. It was Anthony dressed up as a Nazi. Oh, I saw that too.

And Anthony's saying the N-word. He was dropping N-bombs left and right. It was great. And they were trying to see who would get picked up quicker. A guy who looked like a Nazi or was a rapper? No, or just a black person. Bigger versus Nazis is what it is. Right. a guy who looked like a Nazi or was a rapper? Or just a black person. Yeah, but did he did Patrice dress up like

he goes to the ghetto? I think he was just already black. Oh, here's a video. Anthony's got a goddamn helmet on and they're picking him up before they're picking up Patrice. And he's doing the Hail Hitler thing. Yeah, that's how he's got a Nazi helmet on

but then you put you see that i'm a nazi oh miss patrice i stop and i see maybe you chose the nazi brother you chose chose Nazi over nigger. Oh, brother! You don't pick up a fucking Nazi! Oh, okay. Now I know. Now I remember who it was.

They were talking about Ellis. About, uh... Jason Ellis. Jason Ellis. Jason Ellis and them in a feud. Oh, really? Yeah, that's what it is. Okay. That's...

Whenever that one aired, that's when... That's when I hit that button. Fucking Christ. My kids were just like, like you could tell, they just, you know, someone opened up a door. There's monsters inside. Ka-chunk, and the door just shut. What was that, Daddy? Nothing.

There's nothing in there. There's nothing. I did my audio book in my book, and I wrote an article, a chapter about Patrice. And I had to decide in there, do I do Patrice's voice, or do I just do a regular voice? So when you buy the audio book in my book, you hear me going, damn, Bert! It's not even a good, it's not even a good. And I was like, do I do that with all black people? Like when Will Smith talks, do I make him like, I did it.

I did it. It's done. Well, Patrice is just so big with it. His voice is so big. He was. You kind of almost have to do it. Because you heard, I was telling it on Opie and Anthony, but the whole thing was that I dated a girl with cerebral palsy, didn't know she had cerebral palsy because I was drinking so much.

And Patrice thought that was fucking hilarious. And he kept saying, you an alcoholic? You can't even say if someone's disabled, Bert! She's disabled! That is the worst version. But it's like, if you're gonna do a Joey Diaz impression, you have to do it. Right! If you're gonna say something that Joey said,

you kind of have to say it. Yeah. Everybody does. Everybody does. If they say something as Joey, you don't just say, like, if Ari has a joke, you know, I might say it as me. I might tell you, oh, like, if Ari has a joke, you know, like, I might say it, like, as me. I might tell you, oh, Ari's got this great new joke, you know, about blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Except if you're describing Ari mad, then you'll do the...

Mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble. You can't do that! You can't do that! What was your Will Smith voice, though? Same exactly as his... Hey, Bert! Same exactly as his voice hey same exactly as his kobe bryant voice i i wrote the n word in the book twice and i was as white people saying it i didn't realize it because i didn't

fucking really pay much attention to the editing of it i just wrote them and then if if the publisher liked them i was in and i was like i read it and i was like oh shit i gotta say the m word and i was thinking for history i'll go down as saying the word. And despite whether or not I've ever said it, no one's got me on record saying it. So I called my buddy, Omar Dorsey, who's on, uh, he's on Eastbound and Down. I was like, Hey, can you come and read a passage of my book? And he's like, oh, I'd be honored. Thanks. Oh my God. So you wrote to me to read the passage with the M word? I go, here it is. He goes, oh, no, you didn't. He goes, how am I supposed to do this?

Am I supposed to do this like a white person? I go, probably would sound good that way. So he did it. He's like, you know I love you if I'm getting you out of this one. Oh, that is so ridiculous. Yeah, he's the best. You should own up to it in the book itself. In the audio book itself, you would say, well, there's a questionable word In this passage

So I brought in a good friend I do I do Oh do you? Yeah of course Fucking 16 hours To read my own audiobook I was like

Oh my god Fucking I cannot read out loud To save my life 16 hours? 16 hours How many hours Is the actual audiobook? Three

Whoa That's crazy I am the worst Out loud reader And for like the first Two chapters Do they get mad If you fuck it up?

Yeah. The guy asked me like on the first chapter, he's like, hey man, do you need glasses? I was like, no, I just thought I'm not that good. And I was like, oh, do it drunk. Everyone wants to hear me do it drunk. You can't fucking read drunk. So then I described that day. That day is all useless.

We had to go back and redo it. And then I was also like, I'd read a passage and then i'd go on and be like i'm like and then i'd expound on what i just read and kind of was like i was like a podcast and that was fucking horrible because that took like forever and so then finally the guy's like just fucking read it so i just read it towards the end but it gets better i would i would think it would be better if you just read it and if you fucked up, just comment on the fact that you fucked that word up and just keep going on. That way, people would get the book, the whole book, but they'd also get the experience of you reading the book, like you separating yourself from the book while you read it.

Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? I don't know what it's going to sound like, but because I did acknowledge it when I did fuck up, because I'm a comic, so I would work the piece as I was like if I was on stage. Okay. So did they keep that in or did they edit that stuff? They kept – I think they kept some of it in, but they couldn't have kept all of it in. That's so weird though that they decide what gets left in and what comes out.

Dude, this whole book writing process has been vulnerable as fuck because you really let go of it. Because it's an entirely different industry. Yeah, I didn't. I passed. I had a book deal. I was writing the book, and they were giving me these wacky fucking notes, just advice on how I should talk about things, what I should describe. I was like, this is not happening. You're not involved in the creative process.

I gave them their money back. I was like, this is crazy. They wanted me to essentially write my act down on paper and sell it as a book. And they're like, well, George Carlin did it and Jerry Seinfeld did it. I was like, that's nice. I don't give a fuck. I'm not doing that. I write different than I do stand-up.

It's two different things. Like you can write. When you're writing, just writing, there's a way that you can express yourself that's unavailable if you're talking. Right. The Dragon Dictate didn't work for me because you'd talk it into this Dragon Dictate

and it would put it right into the computer like print it. But it didn't work for me because it sounded spoken. It sounded like... One of the hard things for me was I did that same thing where they wanted all the stories I had told on stage or on podcasts. I was like, I can't do that. I can't just fill it up with that.

Yeah, they want the stuff that they think they're going to sell. It's not an artistic thing. It's like, guess what, dummy? The same person that told those funny stories, I can tell you other funny stories. We're not running out of funny stories here. It's really fascinating. There's stories I had to put in the book.

I had to put the machine in. I can't not write that in there. And there's a lot of, like the Will Smith story, I had to put it in. But then I wanted to do the cerebral palsy one. I wanted to do one where I met Ralph Sampson. And when I was a kid, I was... Who's Ralph Sampson? He was a basketball player.

And I went to school at, I was like in eighth grade. I decided I really wanted to be a basketball player, and so I went to Villanova basketball camp, and Ralph Sampson came to speak. And like the first night I got a concussion, and the two best basketball players got pulled out for drinking. So the next day I had to sit out with the two best basketball players, and everyone thought we drank together. So now all of a sudden I'm 15, 14, and everyone thinks I'm cool because I'm partying with

the 18 year olds. So Ralph Sampson comes, I thought this defined me. Ralph Sampson comes up to give a speech. He's like, I'm here to talk to you about two things. There's 5,000 kids on the gym floor. He said, we're gonna talk about basketball and we're talking about discipline. First, let's talk about discipline. Who in here parties?

And I was under the impression we were all going to put our hands up, but I was the only fucking person. I just went trunk. And he was like, Oh, one person, 5,000 kids. No one raised their fucking hand. He's like, how do you party? I was fucking 13. I didn't know how to, I didn't, I never partied in my life. So all I said was Hardy and he fucking lost it. And 5,000 kids are slapping the gym floor. like, oh shit, we're going to make an example out of you, party animal. He's lost the room. So he brings me up front to the, in front of all the kids, and he makes me stand up, and he puts a basketball behind my legs like this, and then one on my arms like this. And he's like, we party hardy. Well, we're going to party

hardy today. So I'm standing like this for his whole fucking hour speech with a basketball here and there. And he's like, and he keeps coming back to me. And by the way, I'm so in my head that I'm, I'm have social anxiety disorder, but I'm in front of everyone. And I'm like being made fun. I'm being mocked that I wasn't listening to his questions. And he's like, you think you'll ever party again? I just said, yeah.

And the fucking place went bananas. They're like, oh, and he's like, how do you'll ever party again? I just said, yeah. And the fucking place went bananas. They're like, oh. And he's like, how do you party hardy? I was like, and I didn't know the answer. I just was like, with two hands, fucking people are losing. You think you can do marijuana? And now I'm killing them. I'm like, I'll get to it in college.

And these kids, I left that gym, and everyone wanted to talk to me. Everyone's like, party animal, what are you doing? And you're still holding the basketball between your legs? The whole fucking time I'm standing up there. So while you're cracking jokes. While I'm cracking jokes. How long did you hold the basketball? An hour.

That's a long time. My cousin Abe, I almost brought him here today. I should have. I didn't even think about it. My cousin Abe was there at the camp because he's from Philly. I didn't know anyone. My cousin Abe's like, I didn't know you partied. I go, I don't.

I don't. I just thought we'd all put our fucking hands up he's like yeah why would you put your hands up if you don't party I was like I wanted to be cool so yeah so like so now and then everyone would come up and they'd be like party animal you party and hearty I'd be like yeah but then I became cool at that camp and then I have friends and so I wrote that story is a little longer and I gave it to them I go this is the best story. This defines me. And they're like, not really.

That's hilarious. So it's all partying stories, but it's like. That's a hilarious story. Oh, thanks. That's so nutty that this could have possibly sent you on a path when you were that young. Yeah. 13 years old. And it's all just wanting to be accepted.

Did you ever have one of those moments where you'd go somewhere and you didn't know anybody? Sure. But you felt like everyone fucking grew up together. Yeah. That's a weird feeling. I felt like that a lot as a kid, but I thought that that defined me because then I became the, I became the party animal. I kind of lived up to whatever I, by the way, I went to high school the very next year. Didn't know anyone. So I'm'm sure that kind of I was like, well, it worked in Villanova Yeah, there's definitely a different personality That develops when kids have to move too If they move from one spot to another spot

They move more than once They develop this weird newcomer personality In every romantic kids movie The rebel that moved into town The new kid That you don't know of and you think he smoked cigarettes. Some fucking Twilight-style movie or even like Karate Kid. Didn't he like move into some new town?

Dude, Karate Kid. I was fucking, the day Karate Kid came out was my first day at tennis camp. And so I go, I got to fucking, I can't believe I didn't write about this. This fuck, I didn't know this. I didn't know anyone. I didn't know anyone. So then all the last, very end of camp, I started meeting the cool kids. And they were like, hey, man, what are you doing today? I was like, nothing.

And they're like, you want to go see Karate Kid? And I didn't know anything about it. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, that'd be cool. So like, cool, meet us at Mission Bell. That's where this place was. My mom's late picking me up. We're late doing everything. She drops me off to the movie late

and I go in and the movie's already started. I can't find any of the kids, but I already bought the ticket and I already have popcorn and a drink and I'm like, fuck. So I just go down and I sit down. I've never seen a movie by myself at that time. And I just sit down and I keep looking for them, but I can't fucking find them. But then the movie starts and it's a great fucking movie. And it's a movie about a loner kid like myself that doesn't know anyone, and he's trying to break into the new group just like I was doing at tennis camp, and I really get involved in it. I get so involved in the movie that when he does the fucking crane kick and kicks the guy,

I start bawling fucking crying thinking, I'm Daniel's son. In my head, I'm like, I feel like Daniel's son. The house lights come up, and the fucking that were had wanted me to meet were sitting Directly like two rows in front of me and I heard you weeping They heard me crying and I'm sobbing weeping like sobbing Like a fucking ten-year-old cry like if you were ten how'd that work out? They turned around and they saw me crying and they were about to make fun of me and they're like oh You got us you got us.

You got, we thought you were crying. You're fucking with us. You were sitting behind us the whole time. And I was like, yeah, yeah, that's it. That's it. And I fucking walked out. That movie. I still to this day.

So you had a fake that you weren't crying. I had a fake that I wasn't crying, and then we all hung out. And they're like, you can just do that? Make yourself cry? I was like, yeah. Wow. You never cried in a movie? Yeah, I've definitely cried in movies.

Like what? Old Yeller? Old Yeller? What the? Not even like Boys in the Hood? No, I didn't cry in that. I can't watch movies when things happen to little kids. Like Ransom? I didn't watch that movie.

I couldn't. It's not going to happen. Yeah. I can't. I don't want to. How about The Time Traveler's Wife? What's that? That's a movie that I cried really bad at.

What is it? It's about this dude who can time travel. For real? Yeah. It's Eric Bana. Get the fuck out of here with that movie. You don't like time travel movies? How high were they when they pitched that?

It was a woman. She wrote it. I told Duncan about it, and he goes, did you read the book? I said no, and he goes, in the movie, does he come back and teach himself to jack off? I go, it's not in the movie. He goes, they didn't follow the book.

In the book, he came back and taught himself how to jerk off, so he was kind of gay for himself. He was a gay pedo to himself. Yeah, but he's only turned on the kids that look like him. Exactly. But only when he was 14. Hey, everybody go to BertBertBert.com and order my book.

Yeah. If you see it in a bookstore, buy it, please, and tweet me a picture of you shirtless reading in a Barnes & Noble. Tag Tom Segura. Tag Tom Segura and Brandon Walsh. Your book, when you wrote it, how much input did they have as far as what you could and couldn't put in? Probably 100%. 100%?

There were things they wanted in there. There were things I wanted in there, and there were things they wanted in there. So did you have to meet in the middle? Yeah, I met in the middle. It is probably, I think, 14, 12 chapters. It's probably maybe four chapters. People heard the story like the machine. Right.

But the rest of the one I got to – but then there were ones they wanted to from like the article I told about the time I shit on a pizza box to win an election. I talk about – me and my buddy Eddie took over this town one time. Not took over it but we told him we were writing a book, like right out of college. We told them we were writing a book for MTV about partying. And then these girls threw a fucking insane party for us, and they were all like fucking – I mean, it was like just out of a movie, and then we all drank together. And then I'm trying to fuck this chick at like 3 in the morning, and she's like – she stops me. She's like, buddy, I'm just doing enough to get in the book.

And I had forgotten about the book lie, so I'm like, what book? She's like, you're just doing enough to get in the book and i'd forgotten about the book lie so i'm like what book she's like you're writing a book i was like i'm not reading a fucking book she was like that's the only reason we're here and i was like oh yeah the book so then i i wrote at the end of that chapter honey i don't know where you are what your name is but you made it in the fucking book finally after all these years that's funny yeah so it was fun but it was it was i don't know, I probably won't do it again. Seems like a shit ton of work. So fucking a lot of work for very little money. But you've lived a fucked up life, so it's probably important to document it.

Have you ever got alcohol poisoning? Have you ever taken it to the next level? No, I haven't. I've never gotten alcohol poisoning. I bet your liver, you know. Don't listen, I'm talking about my liver. You know they have those foie gras. They made it illegal in California.

Duck liver. Inflamed duck livers. They're delicious. What they do is they take a duck and they put a feeder down its throat and they force feed it. And people hate it. It becomes like this horrible cruelty issue. But meanwhile you can kill them and eat them still. You just can't do that to their liver.

It's very strange. And you're not even supposed to sell it organic. You can't have organic foie gras, which would mean you wouldn't overfeed them. You just give them a lot of food. Just have food around them all the time. They'll be smaller livers, but still delicious. They don't even allow that, which is crazy. Really?

But it's still, like, you eat the rest of the animal, though. It's like ducks. People eat ducks all the time. Goose. They eat all that shit. They eat geese. You can still eat it in animal, though. People eat ducks all the time. Goose. They eat all that shit. They eat geese. You can still eat it in Vegas, though, right? Yes.

Because I think I saw it in Vegas the other day. I was like, fuck yeah. Yeah, you can get it in Vegas. You can get it in France, too. I think we had it in France. I'm not for animal cruelty. Don't get me wrong. But what's weird about the foie gras thing is there's ways of doing it ethically.

There's ways of doing it where they actually want to get overfed like they actually go around the feeder like the birds are looking for it they want to get fed like really yeah it's it's not necessary to hold their fucking neck like that and shove it down them but if you just give them a shitload of food you you're going to get a pretty good result. It might not be as good as stuffing it down their throat, but the idea is like banning it is ridiculous. Like banning the eating of a duck's liver is ridiculous. Joey Diaz. Oh, don't answer it. We're on the podcast, fella.

Just say hi. Oh, never mind. Go ahead. Answer it. No, no. He hung up. Sorry. He won't leave a message either.

No, he will not leave a message, and then he'll be upset when you don't call him back, but you don't know what it's about. Well, no, he hung up. Sorry. He won't leave a message either. No, he will not leave a message and then he'll be upset when you don't call him back but you don't know what it's about. Well, that's what he wants. He just wants to see missed call on his phone and then he calls you back. Anything else? Yeah. I texted him one time. I tried to text him and he was just nothing. And you're like, I don't fucking look at that shit. Come on, dog. I'm not looking at that shit.

Come on, Barcresha. Yeah, he's got rules. Yeah. If you want to communicate with the Don, you've got to follow the rules. I fucking love Joey. I love Joey. He has rules, yeah. Yeah, and like I said, he's a perfect example of a guy who had to be a comic. You know, there's a lot of us, man.

He's the kind of guy that I'd like to see a book written. Hey, what happened with that Tracy Morgan thing? Because Tracy Morgan says that that story's bullshit. You know, that story that you did and Jay Moore wind up doing for a while and stopped doing. He says it's bullshit. Is he just lying? He just doesn't want people to. I knew it when I first told it.

He was going to say it. The first time that story ever got out, I was like, here's the reason I didn't want to tell it. Number one, Tracy Morgan will never remember that story. He's never going to remember that night with me, and he's definitely not going to fucking, I never thought he'd ever be like, oh, yeah, that's all true. But Tony Woods was there. And Tony Woods says it's true?

Tony Woods remembers it just like, Tony remembers it a little differently than I do, but what we remember is now that's how you get out of paying the check. Right, right. And Tony, and I've always said this, and I said this on your podcast the first time I told it, was, and it's one of those things, like I wanted to put this story in the book

because I wanted to clear up whatever rumor there was for good, and that is when I got smoked that with Tracy Morgan, he asked, I remember saying, what's in your weed? And then he said, you smoked Sherm or whatever. I went right over to Tony Woods and Tony Woods was like, he's just fucking with you. So like, I've always said that I thought he was fucking with me, that I didn't think he, I smoked PCP, that I, he, he was just fucking with me the whole night.

So I'm like, or not, I don't fucking know. But, but I've never, I've never said, I've never said like me and him were smoking PCP what had happened was Pete the story he heard the story everyone had heard was Jade Moore's version of it and he added things to it well it didn't happen to him so he didn't care he didn't have an attachment to the truth right he'd you know so like in his thing I think it's they were pretty much definitely smoking PCP all night long and they were punching out car windows and having lightning bolt fights. It was a much better story his way,

but my way was very attached to the truth of I didn't know. I had no fucking idea. What do you think about that, about taking a story and then adding a bunch of shit to it? Like, it's tricky, right? Because it does make it funnier. Fuck yeah. But it's not really, it's like, where? Because it does make it funnier. Fuck yeah. But it's not really...

Where does it become art? It's like a weird collage of reality and paintings. Dude. A fake background. A real life, but a fake background. Well, it kind of looks cool. But what is this? This is a picture.

Are you telling me a story that really happened? Is this a fictional piece that you've created? Yeah. You know, it's like one of those, I was watching that fucking W movie. Did you ever see the W movie? Terrible movie. Awful movie. It was just so clunky and cartoonish.

It's like an ABC after school special on the former president. But while it's going on, I was was like i'm watching people pretend that these were the words that came out of all these people's mouth in this order like you don't know you weren't there i can't these people are alive still like i can't watch this this is so ridiculous i can't watch it i'm i'm not a i i've always been very it's the problem with my storytelling is like the machine story is 100 true i can't really veer that much off the truth. That's good though. That makes you a good storyteller.

But it makes it difficult. Like that's the reason I don't really tell this Tracy Morgan story on stage is because when I tell it, it's not very entertaining. I mean it's as entertaining as it is, but it's not like a great story. There's like big fucking lulls where you're just hearing me give you facts about what went next and what happened next. Right. in lulls where you're just hearing me give you facts about what went next right what happened next right so when i wrote it in the book i tried to be fair to tracy because i didn't want i don't want people saying he smokes pcp like i don't want him to have to defend that i would i would not like that either so i had to write it very fucking accurate to exactly what happened so that when if he does read it he goes oh yeah there were there had to be more than one night like that

yeah there had to be and it's kind of open about that, which is why I was surprised. He said, I would listen to him in NPR. This is way before that story ever got out. What a weird world. Tracy Morgan's on NPR. There was an NPR interview. All things considered. And he said he'd never done drugs in his entire life.

Oh, well, that makes sense. And I was like, he said, yeah. And so I was like, okay. And I saw on Reddit, he was like, I've always smoked my own weed. I've never smoked PCP. And then I'm like,

and in my head, I was like, well, I just, I don't. Those two statements are mutually exclusive. But that's why I was like, that's why I was like, that's why I never wanted

to tell the fucking story because I was like, he says he's never done drugs. I've done them with, I've smoked weed with him. Yeah, you know what, man? I think it's just like, you gotta just let Tracy Morgan began be tracy morgan you should probably talk about that just that story's done yeah you said it it's done i wanted i would like to say nothing but good things about

him from here on out dude i say in the book he is a fucking a well-calculated smart guy who knows what the fuck he's doing it's funny as shit man he's fucking hilarious that dude makes me laugh all the time bums me out that he hears my name and it and it fucking make fuck he's doing. It's funny as shit, man. He's fucking hilarious. That dude makes me laugh all the time. Bums me out that he hears my name and it fucking makes... And he's just like, oh man, that fucking guy. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe you'll see him one day. Or maybe you meet him and he starts smacking you around.

And Red Band has to save you. Do you think he would? Do you think Brian would jump in front of a bullet for you? He would see my Jordans and be like, damn, alright. Yeah, I think Brian would save my life. What do you think about when you? He would see my Jordans and be like, damn, all right. Yeah, I think Brian would save my life. What do you think about when people... He would see your Jordans and have respect for you and stop fighting?

Dude, I got some pretty sweet Jordans. I don't think it works that way. Good luck trying, though. Yeah. What do I think about what? What do you think about when... Because I read a lot of comics books, comedians books. One of the things I was disconnected with was when guys would just, it seemed like they

just would reinvent their history and just be like- Just lie about it? Or maybe just not- Not own up to things? Yeah. Hmm. I don't know. I've only read a little bit of a few comics books.

I've never read a whole comics writing from start to finish. I've read books on comics, like the Kennison book that his brother wrote. I read a little bit of Steve Martin's book, but I get bored. I get bored reading about, you know, I get it. Yeah. You know, I mean, I think that if I want to hear a comic, if I wanted to read a comic's writing, most of the time I'd want to read, you know, what's their thought process.

Like, what do they think about things? Like, what's happened in their life? You know, what do they think about the world that we live in? Like, what are their thoughts that couldn't be condensed to a stand-up act? You know what I know what i mean yeah like you'd rather hear someone's process write a book about their process or the way they think or the way they see things as opposed to just like just when i was 14 my mom moved in with my stepdad who was a real piece of shit you know like oh man i've heard those too many stories like that before you know you know

that's not mine. I had that white guy in the black movie theater life where you go, God damn, white privilege, holy shit. What do you mean? Like what you were talking about when you were in the black movie theater. Like I don't think I've had any of the struggle that anyone has in their life. Yeah. And I think that can cause anxiety to some people.

So you start thinking, when's that going to happen?'s the struggle happen when's the bad thing happen like death or cancer or loss of a child or kidnapping like or a fucking school shooting and your kid does it but you think about that shit all the time you're always thinking about like bad things happening all the time yeah you should put that in the book how you're always thinking about bad things happening all the time You don't think like that? You can No, you No, I can, but I don't let it happen I stop those thoughts

Really? Yeah, they don't help you I'm not stupid I know that people can shoot people I know that meteors can land I know that an earthquake can hit at any moment But Right now is okay.

Feel that? Nothing. Here's the problem, that most of your time is going to be fine, and everybody sits around waiting for the one moment when the fucking tsunami hits instead of enjoying all the moments up until that point. So what? You're going to be bobbing around the middle of the ocean, gasping for air, going, I was right. I was right. You were wrong, and I was right. We're all fucking dead. You don't win then. so what you're going to be bobbing around the middle of the ocean gasping for air going i was

right i was right you were wrong and i was right we're all fucking dead you don't win then yeah you're dead too stupid but the problem is the now right now that's what people are so terrified of and terrible at managing people are terrible at managing the constant state the state of right now so you're always looking for the future and you're always worried about the past, and you're always looking towards some moment where it's going to all go bad, and the fucking sky is going to turn black, and lightning bolts are going to go sideways through the fucking town. Everybody's worried about that, but not enjoying that.

Not enjoying that thing's happening.'re fine you're fine i'm fine one day i'm gonna have cancer you don't have cancer now okay and if you do you're still alive you know if you have hep c well at least you can say i have hep c when you're dead you can't even say that it's just people are real bad at now. Yeah. They're fucking, so you're always worried about this and that and that and this. You don't have to be. Okay. If it happens, it happens. But right now it's not happening.

Concentrate on right now. That's what people suck at. People suck at living in the present. It's very, very uncomfortable for a lot of people. I think if you don't live in the moment, you have a hard time writing. Oh yeah. Like I've been, I've been. In your own head don't live in the moment, you have a hard time writing. Oh, yeah. Like, I've been... You're in your own head.

Oh, yeah. Like, I... Fuck. You just go, seriously, I just spent fucking three hours in bed worrying, can I feel my liver touching

my rib cage? Like, and then not living in, like, the... It's inflamed. Does it happen? Does that happen? It's inflamed. Does it really happen?

Your liver's probably enormous. No, it's on my fucking left side. The pain's on your fucking right side? No, it's on your right side. Your liver's on your right side? Yes. Yeah, well. Are you fucking?

You didn't even bother Googling, and now you're upset? I'm fucking. When you get hit with a left hook, think about where you get hit with a left hook. I've had pain here, like in my left. That's your heart. No, it's below, but it's like right here. It's the dick factory. That's where your dick is. Dude, it was not my liver. Oh, fuck. That makes me feel so much better. Well, it's probably your kidneys, you fuck. I think it might be. I think I might have kidney stones.

You're breaking all those goddamn things. I'm gonna, I need to fucking, I would like to do one cycle of growth just to get my body back. Like, just to get. Um, it doesn't work like that. Doesn't it? Christ. I just want to take one pill that brings me back to 20. No, no, just, like, heal everything. Oh, no, no. Doesn't it help with healing? It helps with healing,

but you're not going to heal the shit that's broken. You can't just do a cycle of steroids and everything starts... Who knows what you might have wrong with you if you're saying heal everything. Like, what do you got? Do you need surgery?

I don't know, my back is all fucked up. Yeah, you probably have fucking bulging discs and shit yeah you know you know take care of yourself son you can fix that with growth i was just like yeah i thought maybe if i got on growth i'd get it inspired to take care of workout how often you work out i work out a lot i just started doing a lot of core and like the yoga where you like double up when you do the hold a pose and then you pump it. But I just got these arm bars in my back. So I was like, I'm going to fucking fix my core.

Hanging out with Stan Hope, I think I have a hernias too. I'm fucking, let's just do, just open a bottle of fucking whiskey. This is a fucking, I'm. What's the matter? What? Nothing. Trying to get whiskey now? What happened?

I've had three days of honest sincerity that I thought I could feel my liver. Now to know it's on the other side, you have any idea what a fucking... Do you ever go to the doctor? Yeah, once a year. I go next week. Are you fucking gearing up for that? What's the thought process behind that? Do you ever worry that you might be giving yourself something by thinking about it all the time?

I think about that, too. I think about that, too. I think about that, too. Oh, no. I do. I definitely prep for the doctor. Like, I don't go in raw. Like, I fucking have a week of. But I just started not drinking on planes.

That was my biggest thing. Just started? Just started. So every time you take a plane flight, you would get hammered? Trash. Every time. Wow. And that, I was like, that's not, that, I can genuinely feel that.

Does anybody ever reach out to you, like a Dr. Drew type dude? Dr. Drew, I talked to Dr. Drew about it. What did he say? He's like, it's bad. Like you're an alcoholic. No, no, no. Doesn't say I'm an alcoholic. Because here's the other thing is that I can totally not drink.

But I couldn't, the thing is, I couldn't not drink on planes. I really genuinely could not not drink on planes i really genuinely could not not drink on planes like i got to a place that if i was on a plane or if i was getting on a plane i had to drink and i would be physically ill having to put alcohol in my mouth at like for a six in the morning flight on a sunday and you're just like i'm fucking i like gagging going this is disgusting but i need to calm down because i'm freaking the fuck out. It's weird that that's the one public place where it's totally acceptable to get fucked up. Yeah.

I mean, the plane is the one public place where the people that work there who are also involved in making sure you're safe serve you booze. I mean, how weird is that? Like, it's totally, I mean, would you like a mimosa? And they offer you in the mall. You want a double?

Oh, it's double for half the price? That's the first thing you ever hear in an airport. Can I get a you like a mimosa? They offer you in the mall. You want a double? Oh, it's double for half the price. That's the first thing you ever hear in an airport. Can I get a Jack on the Rocks? Would you like a double for half the price? Sure. Done. Double for half the price. The second one's half.

Wow. Yeah, they're trying to get you fucked up. They know they can sell booze to people who are scared. Why isn't there the drunk girl on the plane, though? You never see the pukers? Oh, there are. Oh, there are. If you fly as much as I do, you see aggressively drunk

people. I've seen arguments on planes, which is real uncomfortable. The problem is as a guy who drank on planes, I was never, I was always well below the radar. I never caused drama if I never pushed it when it came to drinks. If I felt like I had ordered too many, I would stop, and I

was well aware of it. And then, but you see it. And then when we went to Hawaii, like recently, like a few weeks ago, Leanne, I came off the road, I fly in from like, I don't know where I was by flying. And I'm coming in hot. Like you can tell, like I'm, I've been drinking on the plane a lot and I've been flying like every other day. And Leanne's like, pulled the plugs.

She goes, no booze on this trip. I went, what? She goes, no booze on this trip. You're, what? She goes, no booze on this trip. You're going to hang out with the family. You're going to connect with the family. And I was like. Whoa, there's a problem in the Kreischer household. I said, no.

I said, okay, I can do that in Hawaii, but on the plane. She goes, no booze on the plane. See if you can do it. See if you can do it. Wow. And so I was like, can I take a Xanax? And she was like, yeah. I took a Xanax.

What the fuck is that? Jesus fucking Christ. Just take a nap. So much. Take a nap. I don't have that brain, Brian. I took a Xanax. What the fuck is that? Jesus fucking Christ. Just take a nap. So much. Take a nap. I don't have that brain, Brian. Oh, my God. Brian, I don't ever.

If I have something to do, I would never sleep through an alarm. I literally stay awake thinking I got to wake up in the morning. Like, I'll sleep half, like, I got an early. I don't want to miss my alarm. Jesus Christ, dude. You never get deep sleep? Why did she say you could take a Xanax if you're trying to stay sober? Dude, me on a plane.

But a Xanax gets you fucked up, right? No, it's very mild. And I talked to Dr. Drew about it because I was concerned. So I was like, I don't want to be taking Xanax. He goes, one, what you're taking, what I take to fly now. So I'll take it to fly. That's the only time I take it, is half a milligram. He goes, half a milligram? Your body processes

that like less than a shot of tequila. He's like, it's that healthy for you. He said, the problem is, meaning like liver-wise, I'm talking about liver stuff. It's not healthy for you, it's just not bad for you. It's not bad for you. It's not like people fucking

take Xanax every morning with their fruit. I have a fruit salad and Xanax. Oddly enough, it does take your blood pressure down. It aids digestion. It makes me calmer. And it allows my food to process more efficiently. Imagine they found out that Xanax does shit like that. It allows your body to process things better.

I find I learn better when I'm on Xanax. Dude, have you ever had the ADHD medicine? No. What is it? Adderall? Adderall. No. I find I learn better when I'm on Xanax. Dude, have you ever had the ADHD medicine? No. What is it? Adderall? Adderall, no. No, we talk about it all the time, though.

I know a dude who's got a problem with it. Fucking amazing. I know a couple dudes who have a problem with it. Three, in fact. Yeah. One that's got a real problem with it, though. Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah. Never tried it.

Scared. Really? Not interested. Oh, you can focus. I think I'd like it. My, yeah. I don't want to Not interested. Oh, you can focus. I think I'd like it. My, yeah. I don't want to do anything that speeds me up, man. I'm trying to stay calm.

Yeah, it's. Xanis. You want Xanis. I don't want that either. I'm fine. I'll smoke a little weed. Weed is better for you. Weed is better for your liver than Xanax.

I'm not interested in those pill highs, man. Maybe it's a good one. I don't know. But those pill highs, they're creepy to me. I don't want to enjoy it. I want to like it and then be looking to support some pill high company. But, you know, it's really hypocritical on my part because what is Xanax? It's just technology.

Somebody figured out how to isolate some compounds that do something very particular to the human body. Like why would I be against that? I love science. I love the idea of the in constant innovation and that's what that is someone figured out a way to alter human neurochemistry i just don't trust me that's why like i think things like adderall i'm like not for me i'm too crazy what if i like it what if i like it i start i have really good self-control but if i started taking Adderall and getting a lot of shit done, I could see me justifying taking Adderall a lot and getting shit done. Well, time to get shit done and just fucking ramp up with some Adderall and start rebuilding a wing on my fucking house.

That's what you do? Yeah, I'm not interested in that. It's like spinach. Yeah, I'm trying to stay calm. I thought Adderall would be great to write a book. I bet it would. I've heard of people snorting Adderall. A friend who's an author

allegedly, he used to snort Adderall. And his wife got mad at him because he was snorting Adderall. He's like, I'm just trying to fucking write the book. She's like, you're fucking snorting it! He said, well, that's the most effective. I don't care.

Just take it. Yeah. Take it and wait an hour. Do you have to fucking snort it? It's like this big Duke guy. He's like, what do you care about the delivery method? She's like,

I'm not having this argument with you. Don't snort drugs in my house. I told you my dad was doing that speed for a long time. Your dad was doing speed? I told you a long time ago. It was probably three years ago. But yeah, he was, the doctors prescribed it. Oh, yes.

And he was taking the pill and it was, and he didn't realize it was speed. And he was just like, I'm getting so much shit done. Yeah. And you was like, I'm ready. Was it Adderall? It is the other fen. Oh. So it's fen-fen.

One was a. Diet pill was fen-fen. Trim spa. Trim Spa. Trim Spa? No. What is that stuff? That's the stuff that Anna Nicole Smith used to sell. Didn't that-

What stuff? God. They pulled a lot of that shit off the market, right? Like Rip Fuel. You can't buy that anymore, right? I have a bottle of Trim Spa, though. Can you believe Anna Nicole's son died in the waiting room, overdosed in the waiting room at her deathbed?

Did he really? Yeah, like she was overdosed and dying. And then he overdosed and died. Or wait, maybe, wait. No, no, no, no, I'm sorry. He died, she had a baby. And he died in the waiting room for the baby. Oh, God.

God, man, that fucking. Yeah, it's not a good role model, that Anna Nicole. She's not really going to teach you the ins and outs of life, character development. No. Fucking, oh, so crazy. I have a family member that's got the problem with the oxys. Oh, we have lots of family members with those. Guy was totally normal, got injured at work, back problems, just like bad lower back.

Doctor hooks him up with the pills. Boom! He's off to the races. Now he's a fucking complete total loser and can't keep a job. He was all... I knew that kid from an early age. Always worked. Always been responsible.

You know, kind of a little nutty, but always on the ball. Got things done. All he needed was that getting hooked on those oxys. That was his checkout. Dunsville. Pain pills are so fucking good i can't i can imagine i can totally imagine i just never done them even like after your surgeries with your back nope well i did one with one surgery my first acl surgery where they uh was a very particularly painful way of doing it because uh they did what's called a patella tendon ligament a PCL they take the the PTL and they take a slice of it like say if your patella tendon is about that wide they

might take like a third of it and that strip because you did patella tendon is really big you don't need it that to be that big it's sort of over designed. So they take a piece of it, then they open you up and then they screw it in and they create a new ligament with your own body. And then your body accepts it immediately because it's yours, but you have a screw in the bones of your, your upper and lower leg. And you have this ligament that's a part of your patella. The whole thing's fucking inflamed and swollen. It's painful and they gave me one of those either we couldn't figure out which one it was Vicodin's or Percocets But I took one and I felt so fucking dumb. I Just was like just dumb just dull my mind was I was like I'd way rather deal with the pain and the pain was Excruciating it was i would get up the real

pain was when i would lie there and um on the bed like watching tv and then when i would get up when i put my foot on the ground all the blood would rush to my knee and it was like laser beams and razor blades and sand and hot lava and just, just the whole knee was on fire. So that was like for a few days, but that was better than the Vicodin. Dude, we take Vicodin for sunburns. Florida, if you got a really bad sunburn. You take us Vicodin and sleep. Fucking Florida, man.

I would rather have the pain. Really? You shut pain off. Why? Because you can deal with it. Like would rather have the pain. Really? You shut pain off. Why? Because you can deal with it. Like, people fester on pain. I mean, there's some excruciating pain. Don't get me wrong.

I mean, it's not, all pain's not the same. But the pain of, like, surgeries, like, when I had my nose fixed, I had a deviated septum. That's well before I knew you. And I saw, didn't you do a video of you training it? Yeah. Tom Segura. Yeah. What?

Tom Segura was in it also yeah yeah we did a video because um i wanted people to know that it was no big deal because i was terrified of doing it i waited a long time to do it my nose was broken when i was like five i fell down a flight of stairs when i was five and like my whole life growing up my nose was fucked from everything from sports from martial arts it was fucked it was just there sports, from martial arts. It was fucked. It was just, there was nothing in there, but just, it was just blocked up by scar tissue. And so when they opened it up, they actually made it a little wider. Like you can actually, I can tell the difference in pictures.

It looks wider because he opened it up and cut the turbinates. These like, these things inside, these lumps. He cut it and he put these plastic splints in there and stretched it all out. And then these other – these sponges get stuffed into the holes, like, beside the plastic splints. And so the sponges stay in your nose for – I think it was like a week. I don't remember how many days. The sponges come out, and then two weeks later, they pull the plastic strips out. And you just got this.

Oh, is this you cleaning it? This is me, like, right after the surgery. I had to clean it with a water pick. I would use a water pick and blow it. Oh, my God, look how skinny Tom Cigar is. Looks like a baby. Baby bear. Don't give him a hard time, poor little Tommy.

He gained a couple of pounds. So you use this water pick and you pump it up your nose. Oh, shit! Yeah. So you use this water pick and you pump it up your nose and it cleans it out. Yeah. That's like a neti pot, right? Yeah. Put on steroids. I was blowing mad snot, son.

The photos you sent us, picture messaging back in the day. Yeah, I put them on Twitter. Some of them were so big, the boogers were so big, it looks like I faked it. It looks like I brought in some CGI boogers. I showed one to Tom at the airport and he started heaving. He started... He like immediately was hurling. Yeah, that was... But they gave me all kinds of shit. He started, he like immediately was hurling.

Yeah, that was, but they gave me all kinds of shit. They gave me prescriptions for, he gave me prescriptions for two different pain pills. And I remember after the operation, walking around my house going, I'm fine. Like, I don't need anything. Yeah. And my wife was like, do you want to take the prescription stuff? And I was like, I'm not taking shit. Like, I'm fine. Like, what is everybody fucking complaining about?

It was nothing. It was literally nothing. It was like, oh no, taking shit. Like, I'm fine. Like, what is everybody fucking complaining about? It was nothing. It was literally nothing. It was like, oh no, it feels slightly uncomfortable in my nose. But people tweak. They start freaking. I mean, they cut the turbinates. They stuffed it. They cut out all the scar tissue.

The whole deal. And I was like, nothing. Yeah. You know, it's just like a little, little achy. Like, so what? It wasn't anything serious. But a lot of people are like, any little slight uncomfort feeling, any slight discomfort, like, give me pills. I need my pills.

It's just like a door that just opens up and gives you a free ride, just a free ride to start doing pills. You know, a free ride. Yeah. Come on. You got a free ride. You're injured. You need medication, Mr. Kreischer.

I need medication. The next thing you know, you're lying in bed with your feet propped up and you're in fucking Xanax land. Do, do, do, do, do, do. Listen to the dead. Do, do, do. Bum, bum, bum, bum. Why do you like the dead? Explain that to me.

I like the dead. When I fly lately, I've been listening to the dead. Just nice. You don't have to worry about it it reminds me of college it reminds me of like a time when i literally lived in a microcosm of just having a great time when you could tap out get off the grid like i was like like it's the reason i could off the grid yeah what do you mean like you can't like uh you can't really tap out as easy as I could back then. Because you didn't have, all I had was one phone and it was in my house. Oh, I see what you're saying.

And so, like, you could literally get a bag of weed and some Frisbees and just be gone from the world. Yeah. And you were in the moment. I was really in the moment back then because you were, like, talking to your people. No one was going into their pocket looking at their hands. I was talking to this lady today. I was dropping my daughter off at school. And she goes, wouldn't you love to be their age again?

She was an older lady. And I said, I don't know. I said, I think the world's way more complicated now for them than it was for us. And she goes, oh, you got that right. And so I leave. I say goodbye to the little one. I get in the car and I start driving off. And as I'm driving, that right. And so I leave. I say goodbye to the little one. I get in the car, and I start driving off. And as I'm driving, that's all I could think about.

All I could think about is how crazy it would be to be a baby today. To be a baby today, and, you know, you're going to have to grow up. By the time you're in high school, there's going to be mind-to-mind communication. You know, you're going to know. Everyone's going to know everything about everybody. You're going to have some of the weirdest technology It's just on computers and drawing boards right now But it's going to all exist

It's going to be insane Yeah, within 18 years You know how crazy the world's going to be in 18 years? And these kids are growing up and experiencing it I would want to be 10 years less Not all the way I don't want – here's what. I'll be honest with you.

I think Twitter and, like, email, I think it's the cause of depression with a lot of people. I look at Facebook and how much people share on there. Like, I was – I'm not going to say anyone's name, but I was following this girl who was talking about the breakup of her marriage and the fact that her husband was kind of having a hard time with it and that he was maybe like acting inappropriate or he came by and he asked to get some of his stuff. And she was sharing all this on Facebook with all these people and all these people know her and her husband.

But I mean, but if you look, I mean, all people do is talk about tragedy on Facebook and like, it's like they're sharing. It's this, it's this want to be famous. It's this want that sharing. It's this want to be famous. It's this want that everyone has to make their lives public. And it's so... But it's not everybody, man. It's not everybody.

It's only dummies. There's a lot of people that aren't doing that. When I see people fighting on Twitter, like relationship fights on Twitter, I stop talking to both of them. I'm not talking to either one of you dummies. What are you doing? You're talking shit about each other on Twitter?

What are you trying to hurt each other's fee wings? Well, you fucking 12. You're a man in your 30s, and you're fucking tweeting negative shit about your ex. Letting the world know how she would come home at 3 o'clock in the morning. Shut the fuck up. You're so fucking right about that. Just shut up, you weak bitch. You're the problem.

Yeah. You look at people getting in fights on Twitter, and you're like, really? It's disgusting. Dude, trolls, I've never engaged. I've never responded. I never replied. I don't fuck around like that. If you say something negative to me, I don't block you.

I've put it in my memory bank. You know what's fucked up, man? One of the things that people were talking about when they were talking about this kid in Santa Barbara that went on this fucking killing spree was him being rejected. And this guy on this message board that I go to was talking about how he knew this kid in high school that was like that. And he knew him all growing up and he was just not a good looking guy and he started out pretty normal but people were mean to him and all this rejection like all throughout his life was just constant state of rejection rejection and fucking people play pranking him it's just an ugly dude and then he was talking about how by the time he got to high school the kids started getting dark and one of the girls in their high school attractive girl died in a car accident and he was

laughing and he was mocking her. And they were like, holy shit. And that's when they realized like, wow, this guy's become a monster. Like he's, he's mocking that this girl died. It was pretty fascinating because here's the deal with a guy like this guy who's a Santa Barbara killer. Like he was a handsome kid. Like if you look at him, he's not an ugly kid by any stretch of the imagination.

Was he small? Whatever he was. I mean, he's maybe, look, Tony Hinchcliffe is small. No, but Tony's not. And Tony's got a great personality and he's hilarious. You know what I mean? And people love him. It's like, you could be a tiny little person and girls will still like you.

This guy, there was something obviously like really, really wrong with him mentally. But it got me thinking about like a person's looks Like that's a motherfucker man like if you're born fucked up like if you have a Something deformed or if you just have a weird skull your fucking face looks weird like your whole life people are gonna like The normal reaction that people have to you is like, it's like it takes them a while to come up with the warmth. But the immediate react, nothing can be done about that.

That is a genetic motherfucker. You know, you talk about like a lottery. If you're a woman and you're 6'3", you know, and you weigh 300 pounds, your fucking head's enormous. Shit. You know, there's and you're six foot three, you know, and you weigh 300 pounds, your fucking head's enormous. Shit. You know, there's women out there that are like, you know, and they're just like, you know, everywhere they go, there's by no fault of their own, they just got this wacky genetic fucking roll of the dice. Cleft palates. Cleft palates. I mean, I, I, the thalidomide babies. There's a organization called Operation Smile that I think, that I've donated to in the past,

but I would do anything for because exactly what you're saying is what they fix. For like $100, you fix a cleft palate on a child? A child. Why would anyone, no one deserves to go through life looking, I mean, I'm just saying, but looking like a monster. And if you have a cleft palate, it's pretty aggressive. And I look at that operation smile, dude, that's a fucking great place to send money. If you're going to send fucking money, you can fucking change a person's life forever by gifting them this surgery.

forever by letting by gifting them the surgery I think we're just starting to realize as a race the human races over the last X amount of hundred or thousand years we're just starting to realize that we have to kind of take care of each other better it's just it's like it's all there with this we're constantly dealing with competition as well though and when the competition comes up that's when people get this fuck'em attitude like this guy who was angry at this at all these women you know this uh this one that my friend uh online had talked about when you think about that guy like that's almost like a guy who was in competition kept losing over and over and over again and hated the competition like in a lot of ways it's very similar you know like they

hated the other side he hated those like human beings have got to figure out a way to stop that. Like once we figure out a way to work together and stop competing about shit like that. But the problem is there's always going to be people that have just massive unfair advantages. And that's one of the things that this kid was talking about. Like when he described men as brutes. He said girls just wanted to have sex with uh big muscle bound brutes you know like in his mind it's like he could never be a brute he just was always shut out of that if a girl wanted that he's like damn it like it didn't make any sense didn't make any

sense you add that to the fact that he was a fucking psycho and then boom whereas most people that are you know unfortunately built or unfortunate looking or have unfortunate genetics or whatever it is they just they just deal they just have to deal and so the difference between a guy like ryan reynolds who walks through this world like on a fucking magic carpet of gold you know he's a beautiful man just everywhere you see him you want to smile babies will smile at him and then you know fill in the blank figure out your guy you know no you're good looking yeah but regular looking human being i mean that's why i i believe it formed my personality whatever soft shoe i know how to do to get people to like me was because i didn't have the i didn't have the fucking the jawline that maybe like like one of my buddies

had that like i have a buddy i wrote about in a book as my buddy jeff hartley he's like one of the fucking best looking guys confident big fucking hands big like just everything about him's just bigger and and and he knows and i guess at a age you realize world's cruising easy for you and you learn how to just be like you learn how to fucking fill the shoes and just and he's i never had that so i had to learn how to talk to chicks like like not spit game but be like you know be funny and i think it formed my personality yeah without a doubt most funny dudes are funny because they had to make chicks laugh. Yeah.

You know, that's why good looking guys are not usually very funny. Hartley's funny, but he's funny to a bunch of dudes in a dude way. Sometimes. Yeah.

A lot of times, and not even that. You know, it's like hot chicks. There's not a lot of hot chicks that are really good at stand up. Yeah. They don't have to be.

I mean, how many hot chicks are really good? Is there like 20 of them? Schumer. Yeah. Schumer. There's a few other ones. There's't have to be. I mean, how many hot chicks are really good? Is there like 20 of them? Schumer. Yeah, Schumer. There's a few other ones, you know? There's a few other ones.

I always find when a chick's funny, I want to fuck her. Whoa, easy, bro. I'm not saying that like... What did you not say about Amy? No, I mean, I used to tell Amy that I know I could have sex with her if I wanted to. Really? And Amy would always be like, you're fucking out of your mind. Yeah, that seems like a rude thing to say.

No, I told her we were doing this show, Reality Bites Back. I was like, you're fucking out of your mind. Yeah, that seems like a rude thing to say. No, I told her we were doing this show Reality Bites Back. I was like, I could totally have sex with you. And she was like, no, you couldn't. And I was like, no, I know who I can. And you're in my soft spot. Like I know where. And she was like, no, you really can't. And I go, Amy, trust me, I can get you.

Now, did she find this amusing? She found it amusing. I've known Amy for a very long time. Okay, so you waited a couple of weeks. And she knew my wife, by the way. So like, yeah, Amy used to stay at our house when we'd go to, on vacation. Amy would use our house and come out to LA and do like meetings and stuff. Oh, that's cool.

Yeah. Oh, how nice of you. She's good friends with my sisters. No shit. Yeah. And so like when I, when I was on the road, if I was ever on the road and we were, we were together, she'd be like, call, like I was in Portland one time. She called, she's like, we're fucking partying tonight. tonight well I've been on a tour we're partying and my wife's totally like four in the morning

I'm in a hotel room with Schumer and a bunch of people we don't know and my wife's like and I tell my wife and she's like oh cool telling me I said hi tell her to keep her head on her shoulders his fucking big world because you know Amy kind of blew up all at once real quickly, you know. And so – and my wife knew her before that. So your point is? I have no fucking idea, Joe. Sometimes I talk to you and I find myself just like – I can't stop speaking. Well, you're kind of a – I am.

Mr. Bergkreischer. That's what you do. Yeah. You know. Yeah. Nothing wrong with it. No, yeah, yeah. It's just your what you do. Yeah. You know. Yeah. Nothing wrong with it. No, yeah, yeah. It's just your style of communicating.

Yeah. I talk a lot and quickly. Well, then also, like, when you talk a lot and quickly, like, anybody that's entertaining like that, like, every now and then you're going to run into, like, a sentence that doesn't have an end. You're like, and, uh, so, yeah, Amy's my friend. Yeah. Like, people end it that way So yeah Florida

It's a hot place I wish I had those smoke bombs Like they just drop in front of me And then just walk away Yeah people who tell bad stories Do that way too much If it's just occasionally But in the art of storytelling

When you have to go yeah well So that's Detroit for you Unless it's really funny That's really something you should Shire away from if you want people to pay attention To your fucking stories And with like

I think the lesson here is Some people are brutal, man. Some people would just give you fucking ear beatings and never realize it. There was a dude the other day in a green room. I step in and we're talking, me and this other guy were talking for like two minutes and going back and forth. And someone brings up some subject that this dude had some personal experience about. And then it becomes his show and so for the next five minutes he's telling this fucking long drawn out story and i can't

take it anymore brian was there i can't take it anymore so i had to leave the room i just got up and left i'm like in the middle of the story i just see joe slowly like moving over to the left i'm not gonna do this you're not gonna beat me down with this and there was no point to it zero none and i knew it i knew it from halfway into it there me down with this and there was no point to it zero none and i knew it i knew it from halfway into it there was all these details and it was just like oh it was a fucking crime it was a crime against humanity i just got out of there i was like i'm not going to be rude but i'm not going to listen you can't make me listen to this by the way it's my green room all right i'm the one who's performing here he wasn't even performing there just stepped in

and just fucking beat me down. Was he a comic? Whatever, whatever. What's crazy is that he thought, someone in that moment thinks that's their moment to shine. You know what? It's not even that, dude. This is a problem with comedians.

Some comedians, they don't really have conversations with you. They just talk. And sometimes they don't absorb what the other person's saying you know like if you you might tell your story about how you didn't know that your girl had cerebral palsy because you were so drunk all that you might tell that story and they're just waiting to tell a better story about a better drunk girl or a better better situation where they're fucked up they're just waiting you know they're like almost you done burr are you done burr you don't about a better drunk girl or a better situation where they fucked up. They're just waiting. You know, they're like almost, are you done, Bert?

Are you done, Bert? They're not like, they don't have any questions for you. You're like, wait a minute, wait a minute. You didn't know she was drunk? There's none of that. There's none of that. It's like, let me talk.

Let me talk. And those guys are goddamn exhausting. They're waiting for the moment where they hear the bell like, ding, your turn. That was this guy, right? Yeah, it just needed to be edited.

Like, his whole story was like, it was just like, I just wanted to go, you need to edit it. You need to throw in a little bit more interesting peeks into it. Well, not only that, he just totally took over our conversation. And there was like seven people in the room. There were so many people in the room where all of us had to just, we had no other choice. We were supposed to stare at this person talking. And it wasn't a good story. It was brutal.

Yeah. Yeah, that's why you have to limit your engagements. You have to limit the type of people that you communicate with, Mr. Crusher. Every now and then,

you're going to find someone who's a fucking white belt in ear beatings. And they just, they stumble through it, they pull hamstrings, they just kind of, you can't.

Yeah, but you're the kind of person that just goes, yeah, like, you don't allow people to take liberties with you. If someone's like, hey Joe uh can i take a picture with you i want to like uh i want to grab your face you'd be like no it's not gonna fucking happen i definitely am like all

right grab my face why do you let him grab you fucking what i'm don't not everyone come out to philly this week gonna be like let me grab your fucking face it's gonna happen no one say that it's gonna happen for sure dudes are writing that down now they're opening up the notes app on their phone i get i always get hey can you take your shirt off can i get this picture with your shirt off are you getting a beer brian what is that what are you doing he's grabbing my fucking are you taking a picture in the middle of the podcast you fuck jesus christ um 20 minutes late and stops in the middle of the podcast to take pictures. Gotta love him.

Gotta fucking love him. Yeah, I don't know where to draw lines. Well, you do. You're just a nice guy and you let people grab your face. I had a dude ask if he could pick me up once. Did you let him? No. No, you're not picking me up, man.

Why'd you do that, Brian? He has to drive. No, I don't. I took a car service. I've never driven to one of your podcasts in my life. Good move. Good move. Fucking learned very young. Do you have a can opener on that thing?

This badass fucking knife? Do you open up with a knife? No. That's how you open up bottles? I'm obsessed with knives these days. Uh-oh. That's not good. Why are you obsessed with knives?

I love them. I just think they're cool as shit. You love knives? Are you 12? How old are you? No, but I feel like I'm a grown-oh. That's not good. Why are you obsessed with knives? I love them. I just think they're cool as shit. You love knives? Are you 12? How old are you? No, but I feel like I'm a grown-up. Like, when you started getting into bow hunting, I was like, man, there's a lot of shit I can afford to do that I've never thought about doing that I would...

When I was a kid, I was like, I totally... I was talking to Mike Merrifield about it. When he was like... I told him my thought. I was like, there's a lot of shit. Like, I want a motorcycle. You want one of those beers? And he goes, Mike Merrifield's like...

You want a motorcycle? Ah, dude. I fucking love motorcycles. You're a reckless motherfucker. Bert Kreisler just wants to do everything right. You know you'd want a motorcycle, too. A little bit. Oh, I definitely would. That whole, like, crashing and losing your legs part is not attractive to me.

Going to what? Jamie wants to get one of those Lomoped ones. Like, little Vespas. That's even worse, man. Even worse than that? You're going to lose Jamie if you want to be the next Jamie. Even worse than that are the bikes that have motors on them, the bicycles that have motors on them. But I was like, yeah, there's a bunch of shit I've wanted to do.

And I can afford to buy a cool knife every now and then. So when I'm on the road, like in Brazil or somewhere, I'll see a knife and I'll go, you know what? That'll remind me of my trip. And so I buy knives. So you're a knife collector. A little bit. Do you have them locked up? No, I'll see a knife and I'll go, you know what, that'll remind me of my trip. And so I buy knives. So you're a knife collector. A little bit. Do you have them like locked up? No, but I have them all over the house to protect me.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Anyone ever breaks into my house, I have a machete next to my man cave. Oh, what the fuck, Bert? Yeah. You got a machete, people? I don't have a gun. What if you machete the wrong guy? It's like, surprise, you're already on your way down with the blade.

If you're in my man cave and I'm pulling out the machete, it's too late. It's too late. It's too late. Do you have a protocol, like when the machete will come out? It's rubber-bit. What if it's just a kid who's got a crack problem and he's breaking in to try to steal a stereo? Are you going to machete him? Yep, he gets macheted.

Wow. Oh, man. You've got to machete him. What if he's not big? What if you could smack him around? He was a little tiny guy, a little Tony Hinchcliffe-looking guy. Dude. Trying to steal your stereo.

That fucking, the kid. Just hold him down and call the cops. Tony Hinchcliffe could. Don't machete him. Tony Hinchcliffe's kind of, he's that scrawny that scares me. Wiry. Those scrappy kids. That wrestling.

Probably just good stamina. Yeah. Probably if you, like, start heaving and hoving. You know, like, you're in the middle Of a prolonged battle And you started fading He would turn Turn up the heat on you Yeah

And all of a sudden He was going faster Than I ever saw him go Beat you over the head With one of those things That you shake up And you see the snow in it Those little paperweights

That's why he's gonna get Machete And we have those All over my fucking house too No you don't We have snow globes Everywhere Are they from all these

Different places you visit? I buy snow globes For the girls Oh that's so ridiculous Snow globes everywhere. Are they from all these different places you visit? Yeah, I buy snow globes for the girls. Oh, that's so ridiculous. Snow globes and blades. That's what you're buying all over the world. Fucking FBI's got a file on you about that thick.

Traveling all over the world. They said they were going to release some, Glenn Greenwald said they were going to release some new shit this week. And it's going to be a list of all the people that the NSA was spying on. All the Americans. Yes. They to be a list of all the people that the NSA was spying on. All the Americans. They have a full list of everyone. I want to be on that so fucking bad. Imagine if you were on it. We're all on it. Dude, we are so close.

We're so close to everything being tape-recorded. We are. No, no, no, no. We're being tape-recorded. And I've been training on podcasts. When people, like, when people start recording each other, private citizens people start recording each other private citizens start recording each other and not just the owner of the clippers that's when it's going to go fuck just so you can get that guy fired probably shit about your boss and that once that goes that's the

fucking then everyone's going to know like i talked to a kid after one of my shows in urban the other day and he was like and he was asking me something and i was uncomfortable with what he was asking he's like hey man i'm not tape recording you and i was asking me something and I was uncomfortable with what he was asking. And he's like, Hey man, I'm not tape recording you. And I was like, even the fact that he thought about it made me go, fuck. Was he trying to blow you? No. What the fuck was he saying? No, he's like, he was just wanting to talk about something and I didn't want to talk

about it. Oh, weird. And I was, and he was like, he's like, tell me. And I was like, I'm good. Yeah. He's like, I'm not tape recording you. But the fact that he said that, I was like, oh shit. People are fucking strange, man.

They're so strange. You'll, you'll meet people after shows and they just start hitting you with like a barrage of questions and you're like, what are you doing? Like, are you interviewing me? Is this like for your own, like, did you save all these questions up and you're ready to

throw them at me? Yeah. People are tape recording everything. At this point, assume you're being tape recorded. Assume every phone call you make, every voicemail message you leave, every text message you leave. Assume all that shit is being recorded. Assume.

Yeah. Don't live your life like you're being tape recorded. Live your life like a good fucking person. Can you imagine if it turns out that the government is spying on comedians? I would fucking love that. I just read something the other day where they admit that they are recording people that have like a large group of people, you know, like their their voice is heard from a large group of people. I'm trying to find the article right now. Sure.

That are very public figures. Figures. Did you see the thing that they did? I don't know. It was on natural news dot com. So you never know. That's that site seems a little a little on the sketch. Not quite sure.

But the article was saying that they had fake vaccinations in the Middle East. They gave people fake vaccinations so they could collect DNA. Seriously? Yeah. Fucking genius. It's fucking creepy.

You're getting away with something in another country that you could never get away with in America. That, in a way, is kind of dehumanizing. Because let's imagine if they were doing that in the United States in the ghetto. Let's imagine they went to Compton or Watts and they were doing this and they were getting these people that believe they're being vaccinated, but really they were just withdrawing DNA. Could you imagine the outrage? It would be insane.

It would be insane. People would go crazy. Why? Well, because we're, we're Americans and we believe that we have a certain amount of rights and our government doesn't deserve to be extracting our DNA and lying to us. Like, what are you? Are you a dictator or this is, are you the overlord or are you a representative government? Because this doesn't seem like a representative government if you're fucking giving poor people fake... But it's okay

if it's in another country. See, if it's in another country, somehow they can justify it. Like, well, they're not even Americans. They're humans. They're human beings. You're giving them fake vaccinations so you could... If that is true, and again, I don't know if it is, but if it is, it's a practice that's as old as time. People have found a way to demonize the others, whether it's the people that they're at war with, whether it's, you know, you look back at the horrific things that the Nazis did to the Jews, look at the horrific things that the Mongols did to all these different places where they conquered.

Look at throughout human history. Every time a group has been able to identify another group as the enemy, they've been able to justify horrific things. And that's what happened with this fucking evil kid, this evil kid in Santa Barbara. And that's what's happening right now with these idiots, these male rights Idiots that are battling it out with feminists online going back and forth

These people that are actually saying that this guy if girls fuck this guy He wouldn't have gone on this killing spree fucking crazy You can only say that if you're dealing with an us and them you can only say that if it's the enemy, you know It's it's it's a weird thing that people do, man. This, this enemy thing, they'll do it with fucking the Phillies. They'll do it with teams and Philadelphia. Joey Diaz was telling me a story about this guy that was there and it was a football game and he was, I don't know what team this guy was wearing a Jersey, but he got in a fight

with these guys. They stomped his leg. They broke his leg in a stairwell. They threw him down and stomped his leg. They broke his leg in a stairwell. They threw him down and stomped his leg. The guy snapped his femur. They did that in Dodger Stadium to a guy that was a fan of the Raider. Yeah, beat him up bad.

That scares me to not want to go to events. Oh, for sure. Someone was telling me that- He was in a coma for weeks and weeks, right? Yeah, and you just went to a fucking game with your kid. Yeah. You just rooting for the wrong team or you ran into the wrong group of drunk assholes. And see, that's where the women have a real good point because that's not happening to men.

If you're running into women, you're not running into drunk women coming down an alleyway and they're breaking your leg and beating the fuck out of you. It's drunk men. It's men. And women have to worry about it even more than men have to worry about it. You know? I didn't know anything about the all the women. What is it?

All the women? You're the one that. Yeah. I just started reading about it today. All the women. Yeah. And I never knew the point of view. You know, what happens i with

these things that they become so polarizing you think both the people are fucking totally crazy and you lose the maybe subtle point that should be represented in that all the women so and what i what i realized that you kind of pointed out that i i think is pretty brilliant i never really seen it like hey not all men rape but all women can get raped yeah Yeah, most of them, at least. Ronda Rousey would be tough as shit to rape her. That bitch would kill you. And right when you think you're raping, you're just getting triangled, son. Oh, shit, I thought I was raping.

I thought I was raping. This isn't going the way I planned. Yeah, she just tells you to lick her pussy, and right when you go in for the kill, she slaps that triangle on you. Halfway through, you're like, do you work out? And the lights go out in Georgia. You start seeing it close in. Oh, no.

That's what it's like when you're getting choked out. Yeah, I know. It gets to like, it's like an elevator door. I've been choked out. Have you? Who choked you out? Fucking Henzo Gracie. Oh, that's right.

Was it Henzo? What was it? Kill Burt? Is that what it's called? Kill Bert? Hurt Bert. Hurt Bert, yeah. What a ridiculous.

No wonder why your back's all fucked up, man. You let people throw you around. I've been a stuntman. I've been a practicing stuntman. That's like being a stuntman. You feel that? Was it Henzo that choked you out or Horace? Horian.

Horian. Horian. Oh, the older, the guy who founded it all. Yeah. He founded the UFC. Horian was the, he's the father of Henner and Heron. Yeah, I fought those guys too. I fought all of them.

They would all beat the shit out of you. Yeah, they just gave me a knife. They're like, try to strap a Brazilian. Oh, God. Which, by the way. They gave you a knife? After going to Brazil, holy shit, man. Brazilians are like the fucking sturdiest stock of human in the world.

It's a hard life over there for a lot of folks. And it's also very active. Very active. They're always on the beach. We were watching at our hotel room. These fucking surfers were incredible, man. Me and Ari were there. Ari came down to watch the fights down there with me once.

And we were standing there on my balcony watching these kids surf. We were also, it was like, you know, your time's all fucked up. It's like several hours in the future. Like what is it, like three or four hours? I think it's ahead of New York. Yeah. I don't remember. It's like six hours.

Whatever it was, I was all whacked out. So it was like 5 o'clock in the morning. We're still up. And the sun was coming up, like 5, 6, whatever it was. And all of a sudden these people started showing up at the beach. Like kids and adults and flip-flops and everybody was hanging out. And they're like, wow, these people are active. Bikes start running by at 6 a.m., joggers and shit.

I was like, these are really active people. And then all of a sudden, a soccer game broke out. So it was like 7 o'clock in the morning. We're drinking coffee and watching people play soccer on the beach. Like this is interesting. Like there's so much more active than the average Americans. Yeah. You know,

people here get fucking super sedentary, man. I am super common. It's like more common than not. Right. I think my whole thing now is like, I thought I have my weight set up in my backyard. So I go,

if I'm fucking, if I, if I get in like a little weird funk, I go, fuck it, lift weights. Because I know for a fact that lifting weights to the point where your tits are on fire, that releases some serotonin in your body. You should be a doctor and that should be a meme. Lifting weights until your tits were on fire. I know that releases some serotonin in your body. Bert Kreischer and you holding your tits in the picture. Yeah, just, yeah.

That'd be a great meme. Memes, not meme. GIFs. Animated GIFs? No, the GIF. GIF files, yeah. Yeah. That's a great way to fucking cover sports on the internet.

Like, you posted something about the fight last week? Oh, yeah. You know what it was? It wasn't that I posted something. I'll tell you exactly what it was. There was a thing on Fightland where someone broke down Hennenborough, a guy named Jack Slack. It's how TJ Dillashaw killed the king, and it's on Fightland.

It's one of the Vice channels. And Vice, this guy, did a great job of breaking down the technical aspects of Hennenborough's style and how TJ Dillashaw was able to exploit it. And in doing so, he used these animated GIFs as examples of different specific moments in the fight where things changed and what T.J. did well and what Hennenborough did wrong. He's really good at breaking things down. But that's also, they're in cahoots with the UFC.

That's why they're allowed to use those animated GIF files. But it's a great way to cover. It's great. Fantastic. And I'm glad they can. But other people and other sites, like if you try to put up animated GIF files, they'll get pissed at you. Really? Yeah.

They don't want animated GIF files. Did you follow this Floyd Mayweather TI fight? I saw some shit online. Like somebody, you know, Floyd Mayweather saying, you gotta control your bitch. Yeah. You gotta control your bitch. You know, if you want to get in a fight with Floyd Mayweather and you're a rapper, good luck with all that. What's all this chair throwing?

Let's all stop the nonsense and realize that you're not going to get into a fucking fight with one of the greatest boxers that's ever walked the face of the world. Can we just agree on that? Yeah. You're just agree on that? Yeah. You're just bullshitting. Okay, because if there's no one here but you and him and you're both in a room with no objects, just your bodies. Let's start over. They're both fucking millionaires and they're at Whataburger?

Like, I don't get that. Get hungry. People get hungry. But you're so high profile and you're Floyd Mayweather. What do you think? He likes burgers. He eats burgers all the time. That's like part of his thing.

Like, he would always be like driving around his Bentley and he'd be eating like a Jack in the Box. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. TI, I can take on Floyd Mayweather just signed. Did he really say that? Yeah, he posted a video. Wait a minute.

They posted a video of him working out or something? Why is he having that? No, it's about his— Don't play it. He's supposed to have black eyes. Silly. They said he had black eyes, and he's saying he didn't. All that happened is he hurt his hand, and he had his hand wrapped.

Oh. I think the threat is that T.I.'s posse is going to shoot Floyd Mayweather. Oh. Not that they're going to fist fight, because he said, Floyd Mayweather said to him in this interaction was, I think maybe you forgot what I did for a living. Right. I fight.

And T.I. said, I fight, but in the streets. I fight for real. And so I think that was a veiled threat of, yeah, I fight too, but we do it and we kill you. Are we really analyzing the TI-Floyd Mayweather discussion? Who got the most out of their verbal exchange? Floyd made a very good point that TI forgot what he does for a living, but what Floyd forgot is T.I. keeps it real. Fucking in the trap. He's from the streets.

He is. And he's still connected to those streets. I'm most impressed with Tiny. Who's Tiny? Tiny is T.I.'s wife. She's not even really that hot, but they're fucking fighting over her. Two fucking millionaires. Why are you impressed?

They're idiots. The whole thing's retarded. The whole thing's retarded. The whole thing's so stupid. Yeah, but she's not that hot. She's got these guys. Whatever. That's not what it is. It's an ego thing.

It's ridiculous. Yeah? Yeah. The whole thing's ridiculous. Yeah. How dare you talk about it for so long? I'm disgusted. I'm disgusted by the whole scenario.

I'm done. Thank you. Joe, who's the Cook brothers? What is their... Coke. Coke brothers. Coke brothers disgusted by the whole scenario. I'm done. Thank you. Joe, who's the Koch brothers? What is their... Koch. Koch brothers. We talked about them before, but... Super rich dudes that you don't want to talk about on a podcast, or they will come fuck you. How about that? Next.

They just fucked the Columbus Zoo up. How did they fuck up the Columbus Zoo? You know, Stephen Colbert did a really quick blurb about it, and he explains it perfectly, but pretty much what they did is they had had this big ballot on uh the uh on the latest vote that said hey we need to make money or our zoo is going to close down so we're going to raise uh property tax by just a teeny teeny bit and the the coke brothers were like yeah you're you're going to go up like 105 percent in your your property taxes when in reality it was only going to be 20 bucks, but all the voters voted against it.

And now the zoo is like, we're fucked. We don't know what to do. I mean, like, so they lied about how much the property tax would go up. Yeah. And this is like one of the number one,

number two zoos in the, in the nation. And now they're fucked. This is where Jack Hannah's from. Zoos are weird, man. Cause I, I agree with them with certain animals,

but there's most animals in the zoo. I think zoos are weird man because i i agree with them with certain animals but there's most animals in the zoo i think zoos i think the only way you should really be able to have a zoo and be able to pretend that it's humane is do it the way they do it in africa but don't have people hunting there you know in africa the reason why they have so many goddamn animals now is because they have these huge preserves thousands and thousands of, and they have these animals run free, but they do it so they could profit off it. They bring in hunters, and the hunters hunt these wild animals. So they think they're on a wild animal hunt, and they kind of technically are on a wild animal hunt, but really it's a caged hunt. Yeah.

These animals, I mean, they are hunting lions, but those lions aren't going anywhere. It's a very sketchy area when it comes to people that believe in fair chase hunting, like the Africa thing is a fucker because the other problem is they do preserve those populations this way. Cause other than that, no one else is trying to keep the eland alive. No, you know, no one is working hard to make sure that all these different versions of antelope are in healthy populations. If it wasn't for these hunters, but it gets, it gets real weird when you start thinking about like zoos because, well, okay, what's a zoo where you only have like a couple of them. You have like two giraffes or three giraffes. You have like a couple and everybody's separated from everybody.

And you're all in this weird, non-natural environment where nobody can move around. I'm not opposed to like a giant animal park where you could kind of drive through. But I think you've got to let nature take its course in that motherfucker. You've got to have monkeys swinging through the trees above jaguars. You've got to have giraffes that are running away from lions. You've got to have the whole thing. Because if you don't have the whole thing, what are you doing? You're taking these animals and you're deciding that their reality, their nature itself is not humane.

It's not right. It's not right. Zoos seem very dated now that you say that. It seems like a throwback to the 30s. It's from when people didn't have DVDs. They didn't have the animal planet. They didn't have any of these things where they can go and watch a show on a species and watch a fascinating documentary. The only way to

see it would be to go see it live. You go to the zoo and, oh, daddy, look at the elephant. It's a lion. You would never see a lion if you didn't see it in a zoo in the fucking, in the 30s. Absolutely. I think, though, a lot of people are getting SeaWorld shit mixed up with zoos

though, because i and i think that's why everyone didn't know that sea world kidnapped these they thought all these were taken here because they were injured or the zoo like i just went to santa santa diego zoo one of the best zoos in the nation san diego and uh they have this whole thing we did the tour this time and they had this whole thing that you could tell it's almost them getting ready for the their version of blackfish that's coming up because they were already talking like look we hate animals and cages also but we are non-profit we these animals right here there's only two left in the world we thought this animal was extinct you know 1960 was the last time we saw this this one kind of pig or whatever it was and he's like

he's like now there's 20 of them because we take them here, we breed them, and then we put them back in the wild. Now, I don't think they put them in Africa. They probably put in some baby version of the salmon oaks. Well, they do. If they do put it in Africa, they put them in these wildlife sanctuaries,

these gigantic places where they let people hunt them. They just don't let them hunt that pig. That's what they do. But it was very eye-opening for this, when I went to to this one because they were showing us all the work they've done. Like there was like only two of these birds. Now there's 200. And every animal on there says like they're endangered, their level of endangerment. Now there's like monkeys, like some monkeys.

There's a billion of these monkeys, so they don't give a shit. But most of those animals in there are only in there for a reason, because they're injured or whatever, and then they're getting put back in the wild. And that's why these Koch brothers things, where they're completely lying, all these animals are screwed. These animals, this is one of the best zoos in the nation,

that they've taken care of so many, the white lion, or I think it was, it came with an endangered white lion that they had there. It was like an albino lion or something? Yeah, back in the day. But check this one clip out.

This is how fucked up this thing is with the Columbus Zoo. Americans for prosperity. That's hilarious. That's so funny. And it's so true. Yeah. So why do they want that property? What do they want to do with it?

You know, I don't know anything about that. I just found out about this the other day because I was talking about how the zoo was such a great thing growing up so they're gonna lose it totally i i don't know they have till november but they're also fucked till november and i don't know man growing up i went to summer camp at the zoo and jack hanna was our camp leader and we would like spend the night at the zoo and it was just the best childhood memory ever learning about animals being at the zoo you know and it's it really sucks that zoos are getting kind of attached to this whole blackfish sea world bullshit because it's really one's making profit and one's trying to make profit off of stolen animals from the water and one's just

trying to help animals wait are zo, are zoos more nonprofit organizations? Most of them are, yeah. Well, the people that have an issue with zoos have an issue with the conditions. They have an issue like there was a zoo that I was driving limos once and I was coming home from a gig that I had. I had to drop somebody off in New Hampshire and I was driving down and there was a zoo and just on a lark. I just said, well, let me see what this zoo looks like.

And I went to this little tiny zoo and there was this, there was a lion and a bear and the lion, it was the saddest fucking thing ever. This lion was just pacing back and forth in this tiny little enclosure and there was nowhere to go. It was just pacing back and forth. It was all concrete and it's like little pond form. And I i was like this is the saddest shit i've ever seen this thing's just pace it can't go anywhere it's and it can't it does doesn't get to kill anything doesn't get to be a lion doesn't get to be a lion just pacing back and forth back and forth and um i just

remember thinking like how is that better than it not being alive like that's not but what just so we could look at it so it's it's better than not be no that thing should be dead it's better off being dead than living like that that's crazy or let the motherfucker go bring it back to africa put it if you really give a shit about lions set up cameras set up can't work make people go there on safari make people drive around see the actual real thing you know maybe you'll really get an appreciation for what it's like to live in africa if you actually see them in the wild conditions you see like but san diego is huge the thing about that animal park that's really dope is that they have big enclosures like the area where the giraffes are holy shit i mean it's fucking huge is this the safari place yeah you drive around this zoo, yeah, but they also have the safari thing.

And another cool thing is they also do a lot of alternative methods to make the animals not go crazy. Like, they hide the food. They'll take the animals out. They'll go around, hide meat in, like, trees and bushes and put it inside of things. And then let the animals, just like their natural habitat, look and hunt for food. So there's a lot of things that they do. Like, the elephants have these new things that they do. Like the elephants have these new things that they created called

the hay pinatas. And it's these huge pinatas with hay inside of them. So the elephant has to work out and try to beat these things open. Okay, so there's a zoo and then there's a wild animal park, which is two different things. That's what it is? I've only been to the wild animal park. The zoo is humongous.

If you think the wild animal park, the zoo is crazy big. They're both real big. All I can think is the alternative way is to keep them unoccupied that you would come up with. If you work there, you're like, hey, guys, I filled one of our trainer outfits with meat. We're going to give it to the lions. See if we can. They definitely should let animals go and let the animals kill them. I mean, it's so ridiculous that they have to butcher the animal.

Like, come on. what are you doing? Like, let an, a lion be a lion. That's the, that's the saddest is it's like, it's just like the same as what we were talking about with kids in school. Kids got a little bit of a fucking quirk and all of a sudden they're like, no, no, no, it's not fitting in the form.

Well, how about this? What if they gave you a pill? What if they gave you a pill that made, uh, the, the cum in your balls dry up, but it kept you horny? You know, that wouldn't be acceptable. It's like, well, look, we've checked his balls. There's very little cum in there. But he's like, oh, I'm fucking horny all the time.

But the balls don't know it. Well, that's what it's like to be a lion and get fed meat. There's sliding meat under the door. So every day you're eating, you'd be like, I didn't kill shit today. And so you get this thing where everything that moves past you, you look at, you roll a ball of yarn past a lion,

they jump on it just like a cat does. It's like they have that instinct. Cats have an instinct to chase moving things. So do lions. It's part of why they're a lion. It's like their whole reward system,

their whole genetic reward system is geared up to fuck and to chase things and to dominate. The whole deal. All of it is supposed to be a part. The male is supposed to protect the pack. What are they? Pride, rather.

The female is supposed to hunt. They have instincts to do these things. And all those instincts are just completely shut off. And then they're in this enclosure with nothing else but them. And every now and then some food comes in. Like, okay, here's our food. What kind of fucking life is this? It's a life completely outside of the adventure of being a lion.

The adventure of being a lion is the adventure of being a predator. That's the whole thing about being a lion, that their whole existence is based on chasing down the weak. They're like the cleaning system. chasing down the weak. They're like the cleaning system. They're like making sure that the genetics of the wild stay strong. They're like the genetics integrity experts.

Anybody that's weak, anybody that's limping, anybody that's slipping, anybody that gets cocky and goes near the waterhole without paying attention to the grass moving, you're fucksville. And that's how nature has it set up to make sure there's not too many fucking antelopes. They have a whole system. But we come along and go, fuck your system. We have a system too. It's called the zoo. And this is called the

fence. And this is a tray. And on it's meat. Here you go. Eat it. We're gonna stare at you. You're gonna stare at me? Like staring at a lion is unheard of. Imagine being a fucking lion and there's glass, and all these little pink monkeys have the audacity to look you in the fucking eye, and you're like, bitch, I can't believe this.

All day, everybody avoids your eye contact in the jungle. All day, you walk around like a fucking hall monitor. Everyone sees you and like, get the fuck away, and then you just stand there. Do you believe what that must be like for those poor fucking lions? For a lion, if a lion is walking through the grass, And then you just stand there. Do you believe what that must be like for those poor fucking lions? Oh. For a lion, if a lion is walking through the grass and something locks eyes with it, they're like, fuck. That's the immediate reaction. You see those eyes, those fucking weird orangey amber eyes attach this giant fucking skull of death. You just run, immediately run.

Get with the pack. Hope they get the slow one behind you. Fucking trip your friend. Run. It's a lion. But meanwhile at the zoo we're like, look, he's right there, Mom. Look, he's right there.

Knock, knock, knock. Knock, knock, knock. Yeah. What they should do is take those old zoos that are kind of like haggard and they should fill it with like celebrities. Like celebrities. I'm not saying Tom Sizemore is a mess, but give him booze and alcohol and put him in a cage and let you stare at him and him just say whatever the fuck he wants.

Because he's getting paid a million dollars for one year to be in a cage. That's not enough money. What was the New York Zoo? You worked for the movie. At the New York Zoo, you did that movie movie At the New York Zoo you did that movie No it was in Massachusetts We actually did it in a zoo that is Is not

It's not operational right now It's kind of going under Fill it with celebrities Fill it with fucking all Sweetie that idea sucks Well it's better than my other idea Which was we just put cages in the wild And you can go in the wild and have those animals around you.

Yeah. That's a better idea. Because when I go, I went swimming with sharks with my daughters a couple weeks, a few weeks ago in Hawaii. How was that? I love it. I fucking love it. So what do you do? You go actually in scuba gear?

You go under the sharks? What do you do? They take you out like three miles. It's all like eco-friendly. Like they don't feed the sharks, but the sharks just come out because that's where they think they're fishermen dropping bait. And so they go out and you get in the cage. They pull the boat away and you're just sitting in a cage. Just the boat's like 30 yards away from you, 40 yards away from you.

And the sharks, there's at least 20 fucking sharks, 30 sharks. I've done this one place like five times. What part of Hawaii is this? Oahu. Oahu. Wow. Fucking amazing. So what is it like for your kids?

They were scared at first. But what happened was I just told the guys who ran the boat, who I knew, because I'd done it for TV. I told them, I said, you just be in charge. Don't let anyone say no. Just be in charge. This is how we do it. Guys, everyone get your masks on. Grab your mask. Everyone get your mask. Olly, get your mask. And so there's no point where they can get out of it by talking to me because I knew they wanted to do it, but I knew they were going to be scared. And I would never let them do something they didn't feel safe doing. But the guys did it and the girls were just in rote. They were like, okay.

He's like, all right, this foot right here, this foot right here. Here we go. And then we're going to back into the cage. There you go. Isla, you're in first, Georgia. And I'm already in the cage. And I get them, and they're like holding on. And you can see they're scared, and I got a GoPro going.

I filmed all of it. Yes. And I was – I bet you could – How old are they? Seven and nine. Wow. That's fascinating, man. That's really cool.

And they fucking loved it. The first look, you can see she's scared. Ida puts her face in the water and then pops up, and I just caught it on the GoPro, and she's so excited, she throws her face right back in the water to look again. And they were bobbling. They had so much fucking fun. Well, if you feel safe and you can really see sharks out in the wild, it's got to be pretty wild to be a kid to see something like that. And you're in the cage. For the first time in their lives, they're the one in the cage.

And the cages are pretty safe, right? Cages are really safe. It doesn't have to be a giant-ass fucking great white to fuck that cage up, or is that just in the movies? No, you know what's so crazy? We get out of the cage and a whale, two whales come by. Oh, shit. Big-ass fucking whales, like maybe 20 feet off the boat. I got this on video, too.

Wow. 20 feet off the boat, swim around the back, and dive right by the cage. Oh, my God. And I threw my GoPro in. One of the guys grabbed it. She got the whales going down,

and it was surreal, but what's crazy is, as you think, if those whales decided, they could just fucking jump up and land on the boat, the cage, and we're all dead as fuck.

Does that ever happen? Yeah. It happened with the sailboat in Australia. A whale just jumped up and landed on a sail, the cage, and we're all dead as fuck. Does that ever happen? Yeah! It happened with the sailboat in Australia. A whale just jumped up and landed on the sailboat. No way. Yeah. What are you showing, Brian? This is Bert's trip flip. Oh. Trip flip. We do it. That's the cage. Yeah. Same thing? We do it on

trip flip. We've done it twice, and I love it so much because it's one of those moments where you really have this, like, kind of surreal life experience where it's like going to church and getting it. Wow. I want to go do this. It's like going to church and getting it. Wow. It's a lot of fucking fun. Yeah. Scuba diving seems like it'd be crazy too.

Just don't, you've done that, right? Yeah. I've gone scuba diving. For trip flip? Yeah, but I'm not certified, but I've done it. I do like do a day certification. It's like entering into just the very front patio of another world. You know, it's like you just open the front door,

you stand, you look around, you kind of go in a couple of steps, but it's a whole other world out there. There's a lot of things that I've done on that show that are mind-exciting, like riding motorcycles. I would have never done that if it wasn't for that show. But now. Dude, it is the fucking coolest thing in the world. You're not worried about crashing?

Of course I am, but that's what makes it. Maybe you could get like a big Harley type bike, drive slow, don't get crazy, and only drive in populated areas. That's what they say. Where there's a lot of traffic. That's what they say. I saw Mike Young leaving the comedy store last night in one of those crazy 4x4 motorcycles, the fake motorcycles. Yeah, the ATV? Like DMX? Yeah, like what fake motorcycles. You have an ATV? Yeah. Like DMX?

Yeah. Like what's that one? What was he driving? It's like one of those ones, it almost looks like it has training wheels, but it's a motorcycle. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a trike.

A trike, yeah. I know what I was going to tell you. What's he doing with that? I don't know. It was weird seeing him on that. Growing up in Florida, we played bow and arrows all the time. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I was meant to tell you this. And so we're in Hawaii. We went on a boar hunt in Hawaii where we chased it with the dogs and then stabbed it in the heart. For trip flip? For trip flip, yeah. Whoa, that's a crazy fucking trip. Is that someone's idea? Yeah.

The guy's idea? No, it was our idea. Oh, it was your idea for them? Yeah. Are you going to go murder an animal? Yeah. That's murdering an animal. You got to run it by them and be like, you're cool with this. I'm never going to go murder an animal? Yeah. That's murdering. You got to, you got, you got to run it by them and, you know, be like, you're cool with

this. I'm never going to put someone in a situation. And if they weren't cool with it, we just wouldn't have done it. Right. But it's, look, it's, it's, I believe this. If you're going to enjoy bacon, you better be cool with the harvest. Yes. I believe that.

Yeah. And so, um, so we get like a thing full of pit bulls and we go catch a pig, hold it down. My guy grabs a knife, stabs it in the heart. And then when they, then they tie it up, they tie the feet and legs together, like the wrists and the ankles together. And I wear it like a backpack, carrying it out of the woods. Fucking heavy ass pig. But the best part is that I know, I know I can fuck around with a bow and arrow pretty

easily and be okay. So we're with all these real fucking Hawaiian hunters and they got everything. They got, and they've got in their backyard, this huge house. They've got the hay bales with the target. And I said, I bet anyone in the crew right now I can get close to a bullseye. I can get, I can hit the target from like fucking not a hundred yards, but like 50 yards under the tent. I said, I but like 50 yards under the tent. I said I can do it from under the tent.

There's a big fucking tent out back. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. There's a tent, and you're going to shoot from under the tent, out through the tent, into the fucking bullseye. How are you going to do that? Just by shooting. Wait a minute. What kind of a bow are you talking about?

Compound bow. And it's going to go 50 yards? It's going to go, I'm guessing. I'm trying to ballpark right now. I don't remember. Are you looking through a site? Well, there is a site on the, there was a site on

the. Does it have a peep site on a string? And then another site that you're lining the site up with? It was, it was the, it was the, it was, there was a site. I don't know what site it was, but in my head, I'm like, I can confidently do it without the

site. Like, cause I. You can hit the bullseye from 50 yards. Not the bullseye, but I said I could hit the target. It's really hard to do. Really hard to do, but I know I can confidently do without the site You can hit the bullseye from 50 yards Not the bullseye but I said I could hit the target It's really hard to do Really hard to do but I know I can do it So I'm like I go who's in And everyone's like bullshit bullshit

I get under the fucking tent I pull back I hold it And as soon as I pull the back Once you pull a compound bow back It's easy to hold And so I hold it and I start lining up the site Lucky as fuck I hit the target bow back, it's easy to hold. And so I hold it, and I start lining up the sight. Zing! Lucky as fuck, I hit the target.

Part of me was like, I don't know if I can do this, but everyone on the crew was like, shut the fuck up. So then everyone on the crew tried to do it. They couldn't even pull the compound bow back. There's a picture I posted on Instagram a while of my buddy Eric trying to pull the bow back, and he couldn't even get it all the way back. How many pounds of pull was it?

I don't know. I don't know. It was one of the guys. It was a pretty heavy bow. It's very difficult to hit a target that's 50 yards. 50 yards may be longer than that. I may be exaggerating, but I don't know. It's just very difficult to know where the pin's going. Like, if you would have to, if you have a pin on a bow,

there's two different types of pins. There's a single pin. Yeah. And a single pin, you rotate forward and backward with this sight. So the sight has like a yardage on it. So like you have it set at 20 yards. 20 yards is like where like maybe a shortish shot would be, like say if you're in a tree stand. It was longer than 20 yards. It was longer than 20 yards. Okay. So then if it's longer, what you do is you put a, like a laser sight on it.

You lock on how far it is the exact distance. I was drunk. 50 yards. I was drunk. Then you dial it back. But my point is that an arrow, when you shoot an arrow for like 50 yards, it's going to drop considerably. Yeah. Especially depending on how strong the bow is, how heavy the arrow is.

This is very hard. It may not have been 50 yards, but it was definitely far as shit. Right, okay. So did you feel like you could do it again? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Dude, you've got to come over to my house.

We'll shoot two bows and arrows. It's so funny that you did that. We're going to make a video of those. I told you, when we were kids, we used to do them with our feet. That was our big thing because we went to a camp where it was all bow and arrow heavy. Like a recurve bow? Is that what it was? Like a regular bow and arrow?

We did. Not like a compound though, right? It wasn't a compound bow. We did. We went deer, we went hunting in Italy with bows. But the ones that you got to hold the arrows, you got to hold the bow sideways. Sideways. Yeah.

So like some bows, you can't just like, God damn it, man. I wish I was smarter and I paid attention more. Oh, I know what you're saying because they don't have a rest. They don't have a rest. So you got to hold it sideways and shoot the bow that way. Like the way the Mongols used to do it. Right. And I never shot with one of those bows, but I was cocky then too.

And I was like, oh, I got this. Because I grew up with bows and arrows. And I fucking pulled it back and I fucking could not hit this goddamn deer. I mean, I tried like. It's not an easy thing to do, man. Really? Regular bow? Regular bows are hard as shit Compound bows are a little more user friendly in my opinion

It's way easier That's why they say that if you really want to learn a bow and arrow You should learn a traditional Like a recurve It's because it becomes like You know like if you were shooting a three pointer You throw it a few times And you kind of get a judge of how hard you

have to throw it yeah and then eventually you get it you figure it out well that's the whole idea behind a recurve is that you got to figure out how far that arrow is going to go what's going to be the trajectory and if you shoot 100 hours a day over the course of years you develop a real feel for it yeah and some guys like i um bought my bow at this place in uh los alamitos and the guy who owns it's been shooting bows and arrows since he was like a kid and he's in his probably in his 60s and he just picked up this bow slapped an arrow on it went and i mean i'm telling you like within like five or six seconds from picking the bow up putting the arrow on he had let go and nailed the target hit a bullseye at 20 yards i mean it was it was like this click

click i mean it took just no time at all yeah he's just so he's like when you've shot as many arrows as i have you just kind of know where the arrow is going to go just based on the numbers like the input like if you you throw 100 free throws, you kind of get an idea of how hard you have to throw that free throw. You shoot 100 arrows, you go, oh, that's over there. Your brain almost has like a calculator as far as like distance.

Like if you're going to throw a rock, you kind of know how far, you know, if I gave you a rock and the rock was like the size of a golf ball, you're like, I think I could throw it over there. I kind of have a good idea where this rock's going. It's muscle memory too. Yeah, definitely.

It's input. It's like you get enough input. You shoot all these arrows like that one went there, that one went there. Okay, I see where it's going. And then you start calculating it up in your brain and then your mind knows exactly how high you should raise that arrow, you know,

so that it compensates for the distance that it has to travel and the drop that it's going to have over the course of time. Yeah. With a compound bow, you don't do that as much. You do it with a sight. I want to say there was a green laser on it, but I can't remember.

Could be. Yeah, they have this thing, Trijicon has one. It looks like a green laser, but it's really like a triangle and you rotate it forward and backward depending on how the distance is. These guys would totally take you, if you want to go boar hunting in Hawaii next time, it was on Kauai.

If I go Hawaii, it's with my family, and I'm not coming home bloody. There's certain things that I separate. All my manly type of behaviors. Really? Separating from my little girls. Yeah, I don't think I want them to see me fucking stab a boar with a knife while dogs are holding it down what are you doing to my fossa yeah they

know i bet if they saw a real wild pig though they'd probably be completely freaked out because like fuck yeah pigs to them are these cute things they did see we took them to um there's a farm up in Southern California. Forget the name of the farm, but you go there. It's like you can pick your own vegetables, and they weigh them for you. Like you pick radishes and whatever, and it's fun. The kids get to do that.

But they also have this fucking pig that's as big as this table, dude. I mean, it's the biggest pig you've ever seen in your life. It's just gigantic, this huge thing. And they tweak out on that thing they're like what the fuck is that yeah like they think of a pig as being like a cute little piggy like they have stuffed piggies you know uh one of my daughters is a piggy backpack that she wears sometimes it's a little pink piggy and then they're seeing this fucking wallowing mud covered behemoth this enormous pig it's so fucking big and they're like what is that i'm like that's a pig like no it's not that's not a pig like yeah that's a pig it's not pink yeah pigs aren't pink they're not all pink like what and you can see their little faces their little computer spinning like that's a fucking pig mean, things just this big around and fat and fucked up

and covered in mud. Just bleh. It is a disgusting animal. But if you see a wild one, they're even more gangster. Yeah, but they don't taste good. Wild ones? Wild pigs don't taste good.

You're out of your mind. That's what they told us. Don't listen to anybody. They're delicious. I shot a wild pig and made ham, and it's the best ham I've ever had in my life. Seriously? Smoked it over at least 10 hours.

I don't know how many hours it took. It took a long time. Isn't there a truth to the fact that what the pig eats, you are then eating? So if it's living off fucking shitty vegetation, it's going to taste shitty. Because they were telling us the pig, when they they'll catch the pig and then they'll put it and keep it and feed it good food son that's not a pig in the pig family well yeah you can do that i mean you definitely could do that and some guys do that to get the pig fatter like some of the wild pigs aren't as fat the wild pig that i shot though was at to hone ranch which

is like rich and acorns and all these different things that the pigs could eat. It was fat and it was delicious. It was so good, man. I smoked it in one of those smokers and I brined it for like six days before I smoked it. Brian ate some of it. Yeah, that was some of the best meat I've ever had in my life. Really? Yeah. It's delicious.

If I had to choose one meat that I've ever had ever, that would have been the one I chose as the best meat I've ever had. They told us the one we killed. They're like, it's not going to taste that great. They're idiots. Yeah, they're taking it home and eating it. They don't know what they're doing. Yeah, that's probably that. I found out that was true about marlin. Like, you catch a marlin, they tell you,

oh, you can't even eat these. Meanwhile, yeah, you can eat a marlin. It's like swordfish. They chop it up into steaks. It's kind of a racket when you pay for someone to take you fishing or pay for someone to take you hunting. Sometimes they want that meat, and they're like, you don't even want this meat, dude. This is bad meat. Really?

Oh, okay, it's bad meat. Wild pig is some of the most delicious meat you will ever eat in your life without a doubt. I can say that with 100% confidence because I haven't just eaten this pig. I've eaten other people's pigs that they've shot, and it's fucking fantastic. Do you think maybe that's just Hawaiian then? No. I'm telling you, they're bullshitting you. Hawaiians are famous for luau's. What do they cook at their luau's?

Pigs. Why do they cook pigs? Because that's what they hunt. They have wild pigs all over Hawaii. It's one of the few animals that they brought over with them. When people colonize Hawaii, it's one of the few animals they left loose and they became feral. They have deer. They have axis deer in some of the islands.

They have some mountain goats in some of the places. Maybe I misunderstood. They fucked you. They fucked you and they stole your pig. We weren't going to take it home. Well, they probably didn't want you to eat any of it. They didn't want you to bring it back to the restaurant. They could probably sell it.

I don't know. They were good guys. I don't think they were. They're good guys. You're on TV, whatever, whatever. I love Bert. Give me a hug. Give me a hug.

Give me that fucking pig. They stole your pig, bro. It's no big deal. They're delicious, man. Don't let anybody tell you different. There's a lot of animals that people will tell you that they're not good to eat. Like, another one that keeps coming up is black bear like someone got mad at my friend cameron haynes i posted this video of him uh shooting a black bear with a

bow and arrow people like that's fucking horrible that's disgusting they don't even eat those they taste like shit there's all these people saying they taste terrible i've had black bear it tastes delicious it tastes weird it definitely tastes different like you kind of know you're eating a bear it tastes like a bear it's a different taste but it's good it's like have you ever had elk yeah delicious yeah but it's really fucking good you know you're eating an elk like when you're eating elk you're like oh this is different it's kind of crazy it's like that wild pig that didn't taste like anything else right no it that just tastes it doesn't taste like ham you've tasted cigar sort ham? You've tasted cigar before. Sort of.

You haven't tasted cigar lately. Stop doing that. He tastes like Kodiak mint. Kodiak mint? What does that mean? It's a dip that's got a bear on the cover. He's a different kind of bear. He's reluctant.

You saw that when I was getting my nose fixed He was like He's a reluctant bear Fighting being a bear back then Jogging and shit So I was just taking him on the road He probably wasn't doing so well He didn't have as much money for food You know

Now he can eat whatever the fuck he wants He's bald Have you ever seen the pictures of him When he was in high school? No He looks like a male model I swear to God I swear to God

He sent some picture I don't know what it was But it was He looked like a male model. I was like, he's a funny dude, man. Oh, he's so fucking funny. He's a funny dude. I love hanging out with that guy, too. We just did the Comedy Magic Club together a couple weeks ago.

Last week, actually. Funny dude, man. Tom Segura. He was the only guy out of all the people that I went on that Maxim comedy tour with that I really stayed friends with. Yeah. Like, out of the the people that i went on that maxim comedy tour with um that i uh really stayed friends with yeah um like out of the guys that opened i'm still friends with charlie murphy and heffron but there was like we had 22 different openers but one of them stood out it was segura do you remember any of the other ones yeah josh mcdermott no no no no no josh mcdermott opened

up for us in phoenix Phoenix when he did a competition. That's right. And that was a funny story. It was one of the Joey Diaz missing in action videos. Joey Diaz had fucking vanished like a fucking POW in Nam. And he couldn't get any word as to where the fuck he was. I started bringing two guys on the road with me for that very reason. And that was one of those times where Joey had vanished.

Joey vanished and we couldn't get a hold of him. So who was it? Was it McDermott and who else? Was it Duncan or Ari? I think it's Ari. Shit. times where Joey had vanished. Joey vanished and we couldn't get a hold of him. So who was it? It was McDermott and who else? Was it Duncan or Ari? I think it's Ari. Shit. It might have been Matty Kirsch.

It was a long ass time ago. It might have been, who knows who it was, but whoever it was, we had to get someone to, and we were there the night before because I had to do radio and we watched this local contest and Josh McDermott went up and he was living in Phoenix at the time. He's fucking hilarious. And so now he's on The Walking Dead. It's it's crazy oh are you shitting me yeah he's one of these super smart scientists dude in the walking dead are you fucking kidding me yeah that dude he uh he did the podcast before he did the podcast ice house chronicles yeah what is this dude 504 what's that what's episodes this 50? This is 506. Jesus Christ.

Josh McDermott's a good dude. You've got to get him on the podcast, post that show, and have him come and talk about it. I've been trying. He's going to as soon as he gets here. I mean, they're filming. Oh, yeah, they're filming like crazy. I mean, the show's down, so that means they're filming the next season.

Fuck doing one of those shows, man. That's the rest of your life. When you do a show like that, like those shows, they take 16 hours a day to film. If you heard that clang, that's the Jack Daniels jar. I'm celebrating, guys. Yeah, you are celebrating. I'm celebrating. I'm an accomplished author.

I'm an accomplished author. I have a pod. Liver, your liver. My liver is good. It's on the other side of my body. It hadn't been hurting at all. Give me a swig of that, Mr. Crusher. Is whiskey your main liquor?

Yeah. Is that your big... Whiskey, river, tequila. Do you ever go through like a tequila phase or do you go through phases like I may only do vodka? Like what happened to the machine vodka, by the way? Oh, it's fucking dead. That was the biggest fucking mistake of my life. What happened?

Oh, it's just a nightmare, man. And what will happen is someone will hear this, and I appreciate everyone who helped out. Thank you, everyone. I know you all are big fans of Joe's podcast. It just, it, it, it's a racket.

It's, you can understand why it's a family run businesses that you can't get in. It's like a country club. And so what do you, what is it's like? And no one wanted to liquor business. Yeah. And it just is really expensive.

How's puff daddy get in there? Honestly, you could probably do it. You could probably do it. Really? Yeah. Yeah. and it just is really expensive. How does Puff Daddy get in there? Honestly, you could probably do it. You could probably do it. Really? Yeah, yeah. But to be me and do it is impossible. The first people I told you about was really great. It was a great fucking investment, I thought.

And what it was was travel size vodka pouches. Remember I told you about that one? Really easy. Stamp the face on the cover and you do these travel pouches. They're great for about that one? Really easy. Stamp the face on the cover and you do these travel pouches. They're great for summer. You put them in your drinks and it's really cheap. The problem is they're like, okay, we want $250,000

and your shipment will be ready to be picked up on Thursday. And I was like, okay, I understand the money, but what do you mean my shipment? And they're like, well, you got to pick it up and then you need to store it somewhere and then you need to sell it out of somewhere. I was like, I'm starting to fucking business. You have to do the whole thing? Yeah, and so I was like, okay, that's not what I wanted to do. What, you got to pick it up and then you need to store it somewhere and then you need to sell it out of somewhere. I was like, I'm starting a fucking business. You have to do the whole thing? Yeah.

And so I was like, okay, that's not what I wanted to do. What did you want to do? You wanted to put your name on it and they deal with everything. I wanted to stamp my name on it and help promote it. That can happen. You just need to get with a better company. If Ron Jeremy can do it, you can do it. Wait a minute.

Why can't it happen? I've tried four times and every time it is the exact same thing is that you need like some managerial type people to take care of that shit for you i've tried it on your own i'm doing it on my own with my with my wife yeah and it's just a fucking nightmare i'll do respect to you and your wife you're not you're not in the business no i should get someone who knows how to do it we did there was a guy that came out in portland really nice and he came and met with me he's like i heard that you want to start a vodka through Joe's podcast. Let me do this.

And then we came in, we had a big fucking tasting. We selected our brand. Right. We liked it. I got fucking everyone. I mean, everyone was in. We did the tasting at my house. Everyone tried it.

Everyone liked the exact same one. Great. Let's go. And they're like, you know, quarter million dollars. And what are you going to, how are you going to distribute the product? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You had to give him a quarter million dollars? Not him.

He was doing it. This guy was really cool. I wish I could remember his name. He was really cool. He just set me up. And he was like, I don't want, I don't need a piece of it. I want, I like Joe's podcast. I like you.

I think this would be a good thing for you. I'll set you up with the people. And as soon as he moved out of it The people were like You've got to pay all this fucking money I was like I just want you to stamp it on They're like that's not going to happen So it's a scam

It is kind of a scam They want you to take all the risks They don't really want to be in business with you But what they'll do is They'll be your distributor Or your manufacturer They'll make your whiskey. Or your manufacturer. Manufacturer. They'll make your whiskey, and then you've got to figure out how to get it into stores.

Right. And so it just was like a fucking, I was like, I'm done. That seems like a lot of work. It's been such a pain in the ass. And you get so excited because it gets so close, and then it just falls apart. You're like, ah, fuck it. Yeah, fuck it. Yeah, fuck it indeed. There's websites that actually do – like where you can start your own brand of like vodka or whiskey and stuff like that. There's so much more to this that I'm not even sharing with you.

Apparently, your label needs to be approved by the FDA. So it can't be as simple as just being on a website. I only say that because we got to the places where it got really difficult, and I was just like it's not worth our time Yeah, that seems like a drag. I'm telling you what man I'm gonna do a fucking after I'm done with this book, and I'm and I'm going back on the road I'm going Bill Burr style, and I'm scrapping fucking material because I feel like I've I feel like I've been treading water Artistically and not moving forward so it makes sense Yeah, you don't know you don't throw your shit out after you do a special?

I haven't done a special in so long. My problem is I write a lot on stage. So I always have like 20 minutes of new stuff every night where I'm kind of fucking around and figuring things out. Um, but like I got, I got, I got caught in, I got caught telling the machine story, you know, the machine story. Everyone wants to hear it and I get it. I totally want them to hear it if they paid for the tickets.

Do you write right? Do you sit down in front of the computer and write? I did with the book, and with the book I found that my writing got exponentially better and tighter. Yeah. Like, and I was like, holy shit, man, I'm dealing with things. Because I got into, like, the machine story. I told it. In the book, it is true.

Like, I talk about the dude. I remember telling you about this, but, like, I i shortened it for stage there was another dude with me that whole night i really kind of got into the the how they got the money into the country to pay off the mafia and i you were like god damn it why wasn't i talking about this on stage before right so writing really does help with that process of writing on stage. And it just makes it better. Yeah, I'm sure. Writing is everything, man. You know, Planet of the Apes.

I've got to remember that story. I find that being on the podcast helps me, like doing my podcast helps me write material, just in the sense that you come up with a thought and you're like, oh, that's fucking funny. Do you do this? Do you like, this is my, over the last few months, we've had these legal pads I leave around here for the guests, for me.

Anytime something that you can't, you know, you got to remember. You got to go back to it later. I just write shit down on these things. I just started taping my sets. You just started recently? Yeah, because I don't like it. Because if I tape, then I don't feel creative. I feel like I'm not going to talk.

I feel like I'll work on material. What? I know. Just tape every set and then it becomes normal. I know. I'm not going to talk. I feel like I'll work on material. What? I know. Just tape every set and then it becomes normal. I know. I'm going to. The problem is I don't listen to them a lot unless something really genius happens. But you have it. Look, I have a hundred

fucking plus sets on my phone at all times. At any given time, look at this. At any given time, these are all different comedy sets. Where do you just sit your phone out off to the side? I just put it on the stool. Look at this. At any given time, these are all different comedy sets. Where do you just sit your phone out off to the side? I just put it on the stool. Look at that. There's hundreds of sets, man.

I think every comic does that nowadays. Yeah, it's on your phone. Why would you do that? Every fucking cell phone. I'll tell you what. When I was young, there were two types. And by the way, I understand that I'm setting myself up to be slammed on this. There were two types of comics. I like when you do that. I can't help it. I like it.

I fucking, I miss hanging out like this. This is fun as fuck. There were two types of comics. There were the guys that had tape recorders on stage, and then there were the black comics. And I liked the black comics. Like, Mike Epps, Mike Epps, I say Tracy Morgan,

and I know that me and him may never be friends. Mike Epps, Tracy Morgan, Dave Chappelle, Tony Woods were the guys. I never partied with Dave Chappelle, but I partied with Epps, and I partied with Tony, and I hung out with Chappelle one night, but nothing big.

But I'd watch him on stage, and it was like they were creating in the moment. Greer Barnes. Do you remember Greer Barnes? Sure. Greer's hilarious. A fucking monster. I did a lot of road gigs with Greer.

He is one of the best comics I've ever seen on stage. He's a funny dude, man. I was always shocked that that guy didn't become famous. Me too. There's a few of those guys. Yeah. Reggie McFadden is another one I talk about all the time. Do you remember that comic?

I don't understand it. Reggie McFadden, when we were living in New York, I was in New Rochelle, I was like 92 or something like that, and I saw Reggie McFadden at a black comedy club, an all-black comedy club in Mount Vernon called the Champagne Comedy Club. I could never work it because you had to be squeaky clean. Yeah.

Like, the dude had all these rules. No motherfuckers. Can't say no motherfuckers. No motherfuckers. You don't say the bitch had a big ass. You said the girl had a wide behind. Like, he would give you these things the way you would describe things. I was like, well, I'll never work at this place, but at least I can go with my friend.

My friend was working there, and he was working with Reggie McFadden, and Reggie just destroyed, destroyed. I remember watching him going, whoa, this kid is talented. And I remember thinking, you know, I was in my early 20s. I guess I was like 23 or 24 or something like that. And I was thinking, man, this is so cool to be a part of this scene and be around these comedians, and they're all going to be huge someday. But some of them, for whatever, Tony Woods. For some of them, I just don't get it. How of them, I just, I don't get it. How is

Tony Woods not gigantic? I don't know, man. Tony Woods is fucking hilarious when I was coming up. Tony Woods came to the DC Improv one night. I wish. Why don't people tape these moments? Tony Woods comes to the DC Improv one night. Sold out. Beautiful. Beautiful. And I hear him in the back.

Why don't you tell that Tracy Morgan story? I said, who is that? And in my head, I thought it's either one of two people. It's either Tony Woods or Tracy Morgan. Right, right, right. And I said, is that Tony? Yeah, Bert, tell that story. Tell your story of that night. And I went, all right, everyone, the guy that was there with me that night, it's Tony Woods. He's in the room. I said, Tony, why don't you do this? Why don't we come up on stage? You come up. You tell your side of the story. I'll tell my side of the story, and we'll see where the two middles meet.

He's like, that's what I want. So Tony comes up. We have two mics, and we told the story. And it's amazing to hear his reflection. Oh, yeah, I got off fucking stage. Fucking, and I told, because one of my favorite things is I don't remember anything. But I wanted to know if Tony remembered the end of that night the exact same way I did. The line.

Yeah. That's how you get out of a billboard question. So I said to him, I said, and he's on the ground. And I remember Tony said, all I'm thinking is what are we going to do with the dead Tracy Morgan? Man, this is going to ruin our career, Bert. And I go, and then he stood up and i looked at tony and he i mean identical he goes he snapped his shirt and he looked he said now that's how you get out of paying the check and walked away and i was like fucking it was like one of those things where you

got proven that you didn't lie right and i was like i fucking knew it it was like uh on facebook the people that now obviously the book's been out, the people that were involved in the Russian train story have all heard about it. And so they're all replying, like, yeah, I was there, 100% true. That's funny. Even when you hear it, you're like, I fucking knew it. And you know you're telling the truth, but it's just, as a comic, like you said, your imagination takes over and you try to get the laugh and you never know. Yeah, it's weird when you go back

and you think about those dudes. Like Reggie McFadden. So like Reggie McFadden, and this story may not be accurate, but this is how I remember it. Reggie McFadden, we're all doing a Barry Cash showcase and the line is, be clean.

Oh no, who says that? I think it's Barry. And Reggie McFadden goes up on stage and his first joke is um let me tell you why you're never supposed to eat stripper pussy they really i i like i bear look i'm fucking who fucking knows i don't want reggie maggie upset but i remember him he's kind of clean it seemed it seemed it seemed fucking and he talked about if you're the first person to eat stripper pussy, you're not the first person to eat stripper pussy that night.

Right. You're the fifth person, and you're going to get, like, it was a joke, but that was the whole fucking premise. I remember Barry in the back, like, wringing his hands, like, I thought I said to work clean. How come he didn't work clean? Yeah. Work clean is always so stupid. Greer Barnes, a monster.

Do you remember, was it Hans? Do you remember a guy had a joke about the Jamaican subway shooting? No. Do you remember the Jamaican guy that went on the Long Island Expressway with a rifle? Yes. Do you remember the guy that had a joke? No. One of the most murderous jokes I've ever seen.

And I wish I could remember it. And Franz, Franz was his name. I feel like I was out of New York by then. Franz and Franz. Yeah. I think I was already in LA. Yeah, black dude i remember when you first came out to la and you and i want to say i want to say i remember it because it was like you'd done some article about uh about uh who was and wasn't

funny anymore or something but i remember it was like maybe videotape but it was on your lot like and you were standing you were telling like oh, that guy's not fucking funny. I don't find it. I don't know. What are you talking about? Trying to remember the best I can. Oh, that didn't happen.

Really? Yeah. There's no way I was doing a video saying who's not funny anymore that someone used to be funny and isn't. Probably confusing me

with somebody else. Really? Yeah. Cause I always thought it was you and I always thought the only, but the best part is that I remember the best part was that I remember, I guess watching it with some people and Bobby Kelly was like, Oh man, there goes all my acting gigs. I look just

like the guy. I fucking Joe. Bobby Kelly said he looked just like me. Yeah. And I can't remember. I can't remember. He's my friend. Yeah, I know. I knew him from a long time ago. No, no, no. Oh, then it may not have been you. No, it wasn't me. It wasn't you then. No, Bobby Kelly and I had sex in the same room together. We picked up these two chicks and brought them back to his place. That qualifies friends. We picked up these two chicks and brought them back to his place.

Really? Yeah, yeah. I tried to do that with Dane one time. Didn't Dane wasn't into it? Dane got so pissed at me. He got scared of you. He was like, no, he's pissed. He was like, he's bigger, what if the girl wants you?

What if you're funnier? He goes, turn it off, Bert. Turn it off. Turn it off. I go, what? He goes, the comedy. We're done. It's over.

Let's make this happen. By the way, I probably shouldn't be telling this story. Yeah, you probably shouldn't. What the fuck are you doing? We didn't fuck anyone. We didn't fuck anyone. Settle down. Don't lie from here on out.

Just let it go. Okay. I'll tell you. I'll tell you. Picked up two girls. Don't tell the story. out. Just let it go. Okay. I'll tell you. I'll tell you. Picked up two girls. Don't tell the story. I thought you said tell the truth. No.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. Don't tell the truth. We didn't fuck anybody. But I remember Dane, the valuable lesson in that was Dane was like. You're not going to see my cock. Nope. He goes, you got to learn when to turn it off.

I'm leaving. What? You don't have to turn it off. Because I was being a comic in the bed. And I was trying to joke around. And Dane's like, you're cock blocking the moment. By trying to be funny. We'm leaving. What? You don't have to turn it off. Because I was being a comic in the bed and I was trying to joke around and Dane's like you're cock blocking the moment by trying to be funny. We're done. We did the stage show. It's over.

Wow. What? Motherfucker. This is going to be the most I'm just burning bridges left and right on this podcast today. It seems like that. I would advise not talking anymore. We didn't have sex with anyone. We just hung out with some girls, and that's over. Whatever, whatever.

Well, you know, there's some dudes that will feel like you're fucking up their vibe if you're just constantly hitting on the yuck yucks, and they're trying to get some Barry White music playing. Right. That's me. Yeah, I'm a funny fuck. Yeah, I'm not. I can't turn it off.

Ever. Even when you're having sex. Yeah. I'll tickle you when I'm fucking you. If I turn it off during sex, it looks creepy. This is an image I don't want. All the other images that I have of you in my head are all jammed together now. Yeah, I can't.

I can't. Tickling girls and they're just shaking their head looking at you like, what are you doing? Wait, so can you just shut it down and just go into sexy mode? Sexy mode? Oh, yeah. You know, it's like people either have sexy mode or they don't. It's like a toggle switch. You either, hey, I didn't work for it.

I'm not proud of it. It's like something I was just born with. Smolder. Smolder. Smolder. You just have it or you don't, bro. I don't have it. And I don't even know why I got it. I gotta go. Did you see Bobby

Kelly's sexy mode when you guys had sex with girls? No! We were all fucking hammered. We were all 21 or something like that. Have you ever let another dude see your sexy mode? There was no sexy mode, man. We were laughing. We took these chicks. We met them.

They were really cool. We had a good time. And next thing you know, we were back at Bobby's place. And I don't even think we thought we were going to wind up actually having sex. But next thing you know, everyone's naked. Really? Yeah, Bobby and his girl were over there. And Bobby gave me his bed.

He's a fucking cool guy. And me and this chick were on Bobby's bed. We were both children. We're all children. Yeah. You know, I was probably 24, I think, maybe, somewhere around then. I love Bobby. And Bobby was, shit, Bobby was probably the same age or somewhere around there.

I think he's a little younger than me. Yeah. I want to say he's my age. How old are you? 41. Yeah, maybe. It didn't make too much sense. That doesn't make too much sense.

Cause then he would be some 46. He'd be five years younger. So he'd be 20 at the time. If I was 25 or 24, he was 19. I don't think so. I don't think he was that young. Yeah. But either way, we were, we're working together.

And it was when he was with uh he had a comedy team with dane cook they were alan the monkeys yeah yeah and him and al and dane and bobby would do they would do sketches and then they would do like each do like five minutes of stand-up and uh then uh dane would do like the last bit and then i would go on after those guys and i would just do stand up We did a couple gigs together like that By the way guys I'm not talking shit about Bobby and Dane Please no one start it

I love Bobby he's one of my favorite people I call him when I have drama Dane's not a bad guy either He's just troubled like many comedians You know he's made his errors for sure He's suffered for those errors And there's a lot of value To that suffering for comedians, both value to the creative aspect of his suffering

and the originality aspect to the suffering. When your originality is questioned, everybody has thought of something that somebody had already thought of. It just happens. There's a lot of shit that's kind of, I don't want to say obvious, but it's available if you do the math you know and there's the real problem is when guys find out that they that there's a bit that already exists and they don't drop their own you're too thirsty then you're too hungry you're too and you're also not confident enough in your your own abilities because your own abilities you should have you should have enough confidence in the fact that you put in the hours, you work on your writing, you work on your craft, you work on your idea of being an artist, a stand-up comedian.

And what's a threat to that art? Well, you would say one of the big threats to that art is if you're not original. That's a threat. If you can't be creative, that's a threat if you can't be creative that's a threat so if something comes along and then threatens that originality and creativity you shouldn't say hey but i'm still getting laughs with that so fuck it i'm gonna keep going no what you should do is abandon that and concentrate solely on creating something to fill its place yeah say oh there's a bit that like here's an example of one where i fucked up on and and I didn't even know I fucked up until years and years later.

I did a bit about penguins, and it was about that March of the Penguins bit. Remember that movie, March of the Penguins? Morgan Freeman was hosting it. And I did a bit about, it's so obvious, about penguins are monogamous. But it's not that impressive because they look exactly the same it's not like one is rosie o'donnell one looks like jenna jameson you know like the fucking penguins you could just pretend you're banging your sister your mom they all look the same yeah and uh ellen degeneres had a bit years before that and i didn't even hear it

until i was driving in my car and i was listening to XM Satellite Radio at the time. And they had the comedy hour or whatever it was, Raw Dog. Yeah. And Ellen DeGeneres

was talking about penguins looking exactly the same. Like, why, it's not that impressive if they're monogamous. They look exactly the same. It's so obvious.

It's right there. But if I had heard her do it, I would have never done it. But I think she got there first. I think, like, the year of her bit precedes the year of mine. Because I think she didn't even mention March of the Penguins. I think it was before March of the Penguins even came out.

That's one of the biggest fears of a young comic is if you're afraid to listen to people's albums because you're afraid they're going to do bits like you, you need to fucking start writing more. Well, you know, Jim Norton doesn't listen to other comedians for that very reason. He doesn't like going to comedy. No, you got to. You got to. And Ari said this. Ari and I did a podcast this week about my first album ever. And Ari was extremely critical of it.

And rightfully so. That's the reason we did it. Are we wrapping up? Are we getting close? Five minutes. We got five minutes. And so Ari was extremely critical of it. But I've said that's why I want to do this

I want to look at me when I was young And fucking really bad and hungry and dirty And not clean about what I wanted Or my dreams or my hopes Because I don't want people to hear me just Me and him just glad hand me on a fucking On a CD And we did and that was a lot of my fear as a young

Was just oh I want to succeed, I want to be a headliner You gotta do, you gotta let the pace be the pace. Well, you also have to fuck up and learn along the way. You have to fuck up and learn. Yeah. I'm taking a big sabbatical after I wrap this, and I'm going to fucking write and work and start hanging out at clubs. But you got to watch young comics and find out what they're doing. Sometimes, yeah.

Because you got to know where the where the fucking where the meter is like who if i got a like already was saying on the thing if there's crocodile hunter bits were a big deal well if you weren't in the clubs you didn't realize everyone had a fucking crocodile hunter bit everybody yeah and so i avoided it and i'd fucking have an obsession with lizards because you don't want to be the guy with a crocodile bit also. Dude, I have a lizard skin wrap on my pool cue. I have cases that are made out of alligator skin. I'm obsessed with reptiles. And the whole thing about this crocodile hunter, this guy drove me crazy. But I would never talk about him because of the fact there was so many.

But you would go on stage at the comedy store, and if you had a 10 o'clock spot, the show starts at 8, there might be three guys before you that did a fucking crocodile hunter joke. I don't want that. I don't want to be the guy go, hey, did anyone do the thing about blowjobs? I have a ton of blowjobs, dude. It's too late. Too late. Too late for blowjobs.

Here's what I like. Blowjobs. That's my Dave Attell. Fucking love that guy. Yeah, there's so many fake Dave Attells out there. Dude, put me in that group. No, you don't do a David Tell impression. No, no, no.

But when you're younger, you don't know what you're doing on stage, and you emulate. You know what? You ready for what I'm doing? Okay. I talked to Fitzsimmons the other day. He was on my podcast. I'll probably release it tomorrow. Fitzsimmons is going to, I'm going to pay him, and he's going to sit and vet my hour.

Oh, that's a good move. Fitzsimmons is a brutal critic and he's smart as fuck and he's a real good comic. He's like, you know what, Bert? I'll tell you what you don't need. I'll tell you what's hacky. I'll tell you where you should go. And you may not be ready for another hour. You may need to work, but he's like, you know, you got to do this.

You got to do that. Well, a lot of guys have done that. Like Chris Rock did that when he created New Hours. He had Nick DiPaolo, Rich Voss, and they would write for him right right idea i don't want greg to write for me i'm very strict about that i write my own material i say my own material if it comes out of my mouth it's mine right forever yeah but i would like greg to i don't mind greg punching up a joke or helping me with a joke right but i i but i i want him to tell me what is not what i'm better than no one's better to tell you than greg yeah he's a fucking, Greg's one of the fucking guys that because I'm a friend with you, I've become friends with him.

He's a smart dude, man. That's why I'm grateful for my friendship with you. Let's wrap this up. I'm grateful for my friendship with you too, pal. This has been a cool family to be involved in. And it is, it's one of the things I say, I said to Stan Hope, is one of my favorite things is the fact that I've earned the right to call myself a stand-up comedian and then have real conversations with real people like you guys because it's – you can't get this at a country club. No. Well, I think as we – Moshe Kasher yesterday, we were talking oh, comics are like the only people that truly understand comics.

Yeah. No one's going to get us. It's just, it's so weird to be that kind of a fuck up and outsider that comes up with these ideas that other people are just, I mean, some people are going to be funny upon occasion. There's going to be a stress buildup and someone's going to be the guy that

busts the bubble and releases and everyone's going to go, Oh John, so funny. But there's a real difference between that and an Ari Shaffir. There's a real difference between that and a craftsman who's out there. Joey Diaz. Or Doug Stanhope. Stanhope, I love him.

It's hard for other people to understand each other. That's why I've always been so supportive of other comedians. I think it's real important. It was really important to me when I first started out to get the green light and the approval from other comedians. I've talked about on the podcast how Marc Maron gave me a little pep talk once when I, when I first started out to get like the green light and the approval from other comedians. Like I've talked about on the podcast, how Mark Maron gave me like a little pep talk once when I was an open miker changed my world. Like I was convinced like I could do it. If this guy, Mark man was a, he was a real pro. He was coming back from the comedy store, but he knew that he was, he used to work at the comedy store in LA, which was Mecca.

That was like, this guy had been to Jerusalem or some shit. You know what I mean? And when he told me I was good, I was like, holy shit, I'm good. I'm going to really do this. Like that, those little moments for a comic, despite I bombed a fucking thousand times after that. I mean, everybody bombs, everybody eats dick, but that's also part of trying to find your voice and trying to find your, your, your material and trying to figure out it ain't easy. It ain't easy.

It ain't easy to do this, and we all need each other. Dude, look at my life from when I met you guys. Like, I mean, I say this. I blow smoke up your ass a lot. I know you told me to stop. But, like, Brian's wearing my shirt, my book's out today, and I'm hanging out, and we're all still friends, and I'm telling a machine story on stage

that I would have never fucking told. Had I not story on stage i would have never fucking told had i not met you i would have never told it i i love you buddy but you would have i would have never figured it out one day you would have got to a point where like i need some new material i was in russia and then it would just it would just start taking off look we help each other man but you know you are just as important to me as i am to you you know and and brian you're just as important to me as i am to you too all of you jamie i could do with or without you if jamie wasn't here no one loves the building brian sweetie i don't mean that no we we we all feed off of each other and it's what you make out of these relationships that is like, that's sort of your responsibility.

When you're around as many talented people as you can, if you just sort of lay back and become the guy where everybody goes, well, fucking, you know, Timmy doesn't write new jokes. This motherfucker is bombing all the time. We bring him on the road. He does the same jokes he did a year ago and he's eating dick. Then Timmy's not doing his part. And then Timmy winds up getting cut out of the fucking rosebush. And that's just how it goes.

And it's all for all of us too. It's important. Look, I have benefited from being friends with all of the people in this room. But I've also benefited from being friends with Duncan. From being inspired by him. By being inspired by Joey or Ari or Doug. Or just, you know, fill in the blank. Keep going.

Almost got my computer again with my fucking Italian hand gesture. Jesus Christ. Look at it. It's trying to find my computer like a fucking, like one of those lampreys in a Shannon Doherty movie. Lampreys? Yes, I watched Attack of the Killer Lampreys.

Shannon Doherty, she's back, bitches. And you don't listen to the Smiths? Shannon Doherty is back. I heard that on the way here. I was like, wait, you don't listen to the Smiths? What the fuck? But you're like, they're okay. They're okay.

Let's go get weird. Toneta, T-O-N-E-T-A. He's interesting, man. Violent Femmes. Take us out on a song called Drugs, Drugs, Drugs. Find Tonetta Drugs, Drugs, Drugs online, and you'll kind of understand what I'm saying. And then I'll read off what we need to cover on this podcast. Burt Kreischer, ladies and gentlemen, the life of the motherfucking party.

I fucking love you, Joe. I put up a link earlier today on Amazon. Go to my Twitter, and you can buy his book. It is – It's in bookstores. This guy's doing this shit in his living room, in his underwear. Don't take them away from me.

I'm happy doing drugs. Sounds like shit. Drugs, drugs, drugs. It actually sounds pretty good. Give them all to me. He's fascinating. He is who he is Yeah, he's fascinating. But it's not Violet Fins or Grateful Dead. Violet Fins are fucking good.

He is who he is. That guy's him. That's him. And he's bombing. He's doing, or balling, rather. I like him. I like all of you. All right, you fucks.

Listen, we will be back on Saturday night for some sort of a UFC fight. What do we call them? Fight companion podcast. sort of a UFC fight what do we call them? Fight Companion Podcast. It'll most likely be Callan, Brandon Walsh, Eddie Bravo, and me. And we're going to watch the fights and we're going to talk some shit and allegedly marijuana might be distributed. Wow! Someone will bring a bottle of wine

and skip my show in Philly. I'm fucking watching that. How dare you. It's available for download later. You don't have to skip any shows. Live in the moment. Remember, the moment. Live in the moment. No recordings. Live in the fucking moment.

All right, you dirty fucks. We'll be back soon. Rogan.ting.com. Go there. Save $25 on the new Android device, the sexiest of the sexy, including the HTC One M8, which I have my dirty little eyeballs on. Dink, dink, dink. Thanks to Onnit.com.

Go to O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off of any and all supplements. For limited edition kitty cat t-shirts and all of the information about podcasts and any of Brian's comedy dates, go to DeathSquad.TV and get your freak on. Including this Friday night, we'll be at the Ice House in Pasadena in the little room doing an episode of Thunder Pussy, which is a completely improvisational podcast. The audience yells out ideas. You go on stage, blitz out of your fucking mind, and you talk mad shit.

And it's probably the funnest thing I've ever done in my life. Are you around Friday night? I'm in Philly. Go fuck yourself, Philly. You stole Bert Kreischer from me. How Friday night? I'm in Philly. Go fuck yourself, Philly. You stole Bert Kreischer from me. How dare you? Bill Burr was right.

All right. We'll see you fucks on Saturday night. Much love. Big kiss to everybody. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Thank you.