The Joe Rogan Experience - #51 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: October 26, 2010

Joe sits down with Joey Diaz.

I'm not internationally known, but I'm known to rock a microphone. Oh. It's crisp and clean with no caffeine. It's better than the other brands I have seen. It's not a different color like all the rest. It's the raddest, the coolest, and the best. Seven up. Who sings that?

Third grade. Is that a real? Friends from third grade. For a walk in the garden? Give me some violence. You talk too loud in the movies Would you please be a little bit considerate You've had a bit too much to think Something's on the blink Plus you've got way too many dirty dishes And this thing that's on a hygienic mound You're gonna get cockroaches

And cockroaches always lead to more cockroaches You need fumigation Or some hardcore and episode of Intestigation Don't say it man, just do it Wanna curl up in this warm fluid You talk too loud in the movies Would you please be a little bit considerate Don't say it, man. Just do it. Curl up this warm fluid. You talk too loud in the movies. Would you please be a little bit considerate?

You talk too loud in the movies. Would you please be a little bit considerate? You talk too loud in the movies. Would you please be a little bit considerate? You talk too loud in the movies. Would you please be a little bit considerate? Stop. Look.

Look again. Something's looking at me through your eyeballs. And that certain little something might go boom if you let it. Boom if you let it. Don't forget it like ma. I need a towel. Let your kids use new towels around the pool. What's the story? 1-2-1-2.

1-2-1-2. What's the story here? Mad flavor. This motherfucker started. I gotta hear music and shit. Mad flavor in the house, ladies and gentlemen. 1-2-1-2. What's the story here? Mad Flavor. This motherfucker started. I gotta hear music and shit. Mad Flavor in the house, ladies and gentlemen. How you guys doing? All right.

This is the Joe Rogan Experience podcast with Brian Reichel, a.k.a. Red Band. What? With our special guest, Joe Coco Diaz, a.k.a. Mad Flavor, a.k.a. Planet Rock, a.k.a. Joey Karate. Sponsored, as always, by the Fleshlight. I don't know why I have to hold this up to the microphone or to the camera. Because a lot of people are seeing it for the first time right now. Oh, okay.

I do every time, though. I don't know why I do it. I just keep holding it up. Most of the people probably listen on iTunes anyway. Right. But, or the Zoom. I don't want to be Microsoft racist. Right?

Yeah, totally. Is there something you hear in the background? Yeah, do you hear that? Oh, that's a song. All right'm sorry it's uh the show yeah um anyway fleshlight.com if you go to my website joe rogan.net there's a a link and if you order this it gives you 15 off coupon code really good if you fuck it and one other thing just a little shout, because when I spoke to one of the owners, Chris, he said they were going to come up with some new ideas. You know, like when you buy a box of Campbell's soup and shit, on the side of it,

yeah, it gives you the directions for Campbell's soup, but it also gives you the directions for other things you could do. And I was thinking about other things you could do. Like, you could take this out and put ice cubes in there and fuck it. You following me? A lot of people haven't invented that yet. Ice cubes? Yeah, you put ice cubes. I wouldn't do it, but I know for some people, you put ice cubes

and it's like a fucking drink. You put some ice cubes, you shake it up and you fuck it. Or dry ice or green tea heated. You know what I'm saying? Because it feels nice on your dick. Or let's say you had a rough night the night before you banged 18 hookers and your fucking dick is bleeding. You put Epsom salt in there with warm water and you fuck

the Epsom salt. Just a couple different recipes we have for you at Joe Rogan Experience. Not that I would try this shit, but I know a lot of you fucking freaks would try this stuff at home. I know Red Band would definitely try it. I wouldn't try ice cubes. That would make it shrink and be sad. Well, whatever the fuck. Maybe somebody stepped on your dick at an MMA contest. Wouldn't dry

ice burn your dick? Well, that's... Some people like that shit. Talk. 20 years ago, I went to a club to get Quaaludes, and I walked in. I'll never forget this. It was called Ramrod. It was a gay bar in the city. And we were kids.

We were like 18. That's the first time I seen a dude with a cape on. I thought it was the coolest fucking thing in the world. A man had a cape on. And I walked into this club, and before we walked in, there was a fetish club on the side, and there was a guy in a tub that had a sign on him that said, spit on me. That was his fetish, for people to spit on him.

So here's the beauty. I'm standing there. You know, your jaw is going. You're drinking. You know, you had to pee. And all of a sudden, I see 20 guys standing in line for the fucking bathroom. And I asked them, and I go, listen, why don't you just ask the guy in the tub if we could pee on him? So I walked over to the guy and go, can I ask you a question?

Do you mind if we pee on you? The guys go right ahead. There was a point in the night I we could pee on him. So I walked over to the guy and said, can I ask you a question? Do you mind if we pee on you? The guy goes right ahead. There was a point in the night I looked at him. He had a circle of guys just, you know those guys that don't want to wait in line? Like, fuck it, just pee on him. When I left the guy had three inches of pee in the fucking tub. The sign was all fucking melted, like the black ink would have been melted. This guy wanted

people to spit on him. We ended up pissing on him. And I pissed on him. I'm guilty of it. I don't give a fuck. He didn't suck my dick or nothing. I would piss on anybody. I don't give a fuck. He seems like the luckiest man alive. Oh, please. But that's a crazy ass fetish. You never know. Some people's chicken is another man's gumbo. You know what I'm saying?

I don't like pissing on myself, but this guy wanted you to piss and spit on him. Wow. What is that? That's crazy shit. That's crazy shit that when I was in Seattle on Wednesday nights at the comedy club, they had a fetish club afterward. And there's a couple times I stayed. People are fucking crazy. It ain't my bag of tricks. You know, but people are crazy.

But like clips on their nipples and all that. I'm not into that fucking shit. But some people are. Where's all that shit coming from? What's all that come from? I don't know. The same people who all that come from? I don't know. The same people who are in hoarders. I don't know.

I don't know where these people fucking come from. Is it just a broken brain, like someone who just wants to shock the shit out of everybody? I don't know. Like, sometimes you're sitting there going, wow, I need some action in my sex life. Fucking people in the ass just ain't enough no more. I just want to lay around and have people piss all over me. Yeah, like all that shit. Or come on me.

Fuck, man. Or light my ball. And it wasn't really the guy. That wasn't what the guy's intentions were. The guy just wanted people to spit on him. Wow. I just took it to the next level because I'm crafty like that. How about dudes who like girls to beat the fuck out of them? Yeah, there's people

who are into that stuff. There's a lot of them. A lot of them. Dudes who like girls to beat the shit out of them. Kick them in the balls. Punch them in the face. It's fucking... there's so many videos online. Dudes love that shit. I go for it until like the third smack and then I lose my mind. I fucking punch her right in the throat. You know what I'm saying?

What, are you fucking kidding me? That's a weird instinct. That is very fucking weird. To want to fight with chicks and smack them around. Or for them to smack the fuck out of you. Yeah. But what are you going to do? There's people that are animals all over, you know?

There's people that only fight with their spouses they don't fight with other people they just fight with their spouses you know with everybody else they like resolve arguments with their spouses they beat the fuck out of each other yeah sorry i was doing some business what were you doing uh the plug was loose on the laptop and it was only coming out of the left speaker. So now it's coming out of the right. But only for Ustream. Oh. Sorry. Fucking... Tech talk. Sorry, Ustream. You've been having a successful podcast lately. How's it going? Very good, sir.

What do you guys... What the fuck did I say? You're just funny, man. Very good, sir. Just the way you say it. What do you want me to say? What do you guys talk about? What's the whole podcast about? Well, it's the Joey Diaz podcast. It's with Felicia Michaels. Felicia Michaels. Who's a hilarious comedian.

And it's called Beauty and the Beast. She's the Bob Cousy of the thing. She controls the fucking thing. Because she's nice and white. You know, the Celtics were winning in the 50s. They had four fucking black guys jumping up and down. But the guy who was the hang wrangler was, whatever the guy just said, the little Bob Cousy was the white point guard. Right. You know, he he was five for five you wouldn't listen to him but he fucking controlled

you know he pulled the reins in you know i'm saying so she's like the brain puller and i go fucking nuts i don't i know so little about sports no no we don't talk about sports on no i mean no no it's just uh it's just i just use that you know i just. I should know. No, you don't have to know. You were fucking born. I just used a wild analogy about it. You know what I'm saying? What's up, Red Band? You're all fucking sponsored.

There's a fucking big group of people that don't get into any sports at all. No sports. No nothing. And when you talk to them about it, they're just like, Ugh, no, I'm not really into sports. Except for the UFC. I'm that person. I'm more than surprised at how many people are just like that,

how many people don't like going to sports. But there's people that you would never expect that were big UFC fans, that I would think would be above this. Right. Like Mike Judd, the guy who created Beavis and Butthead and the Fox show. What is that Fox animated show? King of the Hill. King of the Hill and so many fucking movies.

He's a huge fan. I hung out with him in Austin. Oh, really? You went? Yeah. Well, I met him before, too. Oh, really? Yeah, I met him a long time ago on news radio.

He was hanging out with Paul Sims, and they were playing instruments together. And this is when I was in full Mike Judd man lust, because this is when he had done Beavis and Butthead. So I was a full-on fanboy. I was like, oh man, it's fucking Mike Judd. Because Beavis and Butthead to me was the funniest cartoon of all time. Yeah, totally. The funniest animated show. Corn Julio.

Dude, I remember crying laughing. Laughing so hard I couldn't breathe watching that show. And I didn't even smoke pot back then. Wow. That was the best part about Beavis and Butthead. Getting really stoned and watching Beavis and Butthead. I couldn't breathe watching that show. And I didn't even smoke pot back then. Wow. I didn't even smoke pot. That was the best part about Beavis and Butt. Getting really stoned and watching Beavis and Butt. Dude, I did something for whoever did Beavis and Butt.

Something for MTV. And they hooked me up with every episode ever on VHS. Wow. They gave me boxes of them. And me and this chick that I was dating, this is when I first moved here. And me and this chick that I was dating just sat is when I first moved here, and me and this chick that I was dating just sat in front of the TV all day. We ordered pizza. I didn't even have a

couch. And we watched these episodes, every episode of Beavis and Butted. Crying laughing. So hanging out with him, I was like, this guy likes the UFC? I would have thought you'd been above that, sir. I can't believe it. You haven't seen Mediocrisy yet, have you? Idiocracy? No. No, I haven't believe you haven't seen Mediocrity yet, have you? Idiocracy? Idiocracy.

No, no, I haven't seen that. You got it. If you're a fan of him and your theories and how you think the world is and stuff, combine those two, it's that movie. Yeah, everybody told me. Well, a lot of people actually accused me of stealing my bit about dumb people outbreeding smart people. But luckily, I had it on DVD before that movie came out, so no one could say. When did Idiocracy come out? About four years ago, but I think three years ago. What is that about?

What is that about? It's the futuristic world. Yeah, yeah, and it went right to video, I believe. You know what, man? I read for that. Look, it's the theory that people or dumb people are outbreeding smart people. It's not just mine. But was that the movie where they wanted mixed races?

No, no, no. No. It's a movie where dumb people take over like it's eventually there's no smart people left which is basically just like my bit but then you know everybody sees that everybody's you know that's the number one concern that an intelligent person has is that look how many dumb people are having kids look how many dumb people are in your school system clogging up you know the system with their fucking kids that are already predestined for retardation just by the way you've raised them you've just fucked their heads up it's been the reason that what they're exposed to also because lately i've been watching a little bit more television just so i could be in the fucking loop instead of criticizing i've been watching more television it's fucking scary guys reality tv i've been watching uh the kard the Kardashians for the first time.

I didn't know who these people were. I wanted to see what this is about. That is the goofiest fucking show ever. Yeah, it's ridiculous. There is some shows out there, but I'll tell you what show is kicking that hoarders. How can you let yourself go that? You know what makes me sad about the Kardashian show is Bruce Jenner.

Oh, he's a bad shit. Bruce Jenner was a motherfucker, bro. A motherfucker's motherfucker. He was a fucking, one of the greatest Olympians ever. What did he do? The decathlon? Is that what he did? What the fuck did he do?

He threw spears. He shot through the fucking thing. He did a bunch of crazy stuff. He was a super athlete. He was a super athlete. A real, true super athlete. And he's still a bad motherfucker. He just got caught up.

He got the plastic surgery. I mean, look at that. That's just, how can one He just got caught up. He got the plastic surgery. I mean, look at that. How can one deteriorate to that point? Everybody is doing plastic surgery. Where's his nobility? Even young kids are shooting this fucking Botox shit. We were talking about that girl Heidi.

Heidi Montag. Yeah. That's what we do. We talk about her. We were talking about it because she apparently is friends with Brian's friend Esther. Her sister ufc ring girl for a while uh for no that's heidi hollywood whatever no no no no no that's the other one from the hills yeah you're talking about the one that's in playboy yeah i don't know these people i tried guys the one that was on that show the girls the girls next door. I went to a party the other day. I don't think we didn't talk about this.

How crazy, have you ever been to a crazy Hollywood party? Thousands and thousands of dollars were spent on a party. I was at a party the other day that there was baby tigers. That's how crazy it was. Burlesque dancers, the biggest sushi bar you'll ever see,

and baby tigers walking around. And I was like, that's ridiculous. And then you walk out and it's like, oh, there's Nikki Hilton. I guess if you're going to have a party and Nikki Hilton's coming to a party, you have to get baby tigers or she will be pissed off or something. Because these girls have this fame now where the Kardashians and stuff like that, where they go to parties and they expect certain things. Parties are weird, man.

Parties are weird when you're going to basically a club that is someone's house. I mean, that's what parties are. Yeah, your house turns into a bar. You all bring your friends and it turns into this gigantic conversation pit of people. Those are so strange, man. When you don't know people, you don't know who's there. There's 100, 200 people in your house. I mean, how many parties have you been over like that?

I've been to like two. The South Park guys had a party once where everyone was dressed like Moulin Rouge. And everyone spent like $400 per costume at least kind of party. It was cool. You walked in. It looked like a circus. That was the first one I went to. And the second one was this one.

The last one I went to was they had staff that was trying to keep people out of the rest of the house. They would have staff that would stand there with their hands behind their back. So you couldn't go upstairs. You couldn't go rummaging through the bedrooms and shit. But they had a living room area where you were allowed to go to. And then some big, crazy-ass backyard. And just some nutty, rich motherfucker that just wants to have a bunch of people over his house. You know I hate fucking parties.

Dancers on poles. You know that I hate fucking parties. They're very strange, man. Since I was a kid, I've never really been a fan. people over his house. You know I hate fucking parties. Dancers on poles. You know that I hate fucking parties. They're very strange, man. Since I was a kid, I've never really been at a party. They're very strange. I don't like people at my house either for a party. Every time the door opens, everyone's head turned towards the door like, who's coming?

Who's it going to be? Look who it is. Who's it going to be? Oh, it's her. Look at her shoes. I saw her in that magazine. She looks fat in person. Oh, my goodness.

She's had some work done. Well, a party here and a party where these people are watching it is, you guys go to a party that's normal. Somebody pukes, somebody catches a beat, the purse gets robbed. That's a fucking party. When you go to these parties here with these worthless motherfuckers and they're all walking around thinking that they're, and it's fucking amazing.

It's amazing that people stand in line for hours to go into a club. These are the things that take me and I get baffled by it. Like I wouldn't wait fucking 10 minutes to eat dinner. Never mind stand there to get in a fucking club. By the time I'm standing there, the acid kicked in. I wouldn't waste my fucking time. If I'm not walking in, I don't want to be there, man. That's the strange thing about clubs with big-ass lines.

And then VIP tables and whatever. When I was a kid, you did coke in the bathroom. That was the fucking VIP, all right? That was VIP. Now you got to have a VIP table. It's $1,500 just to sit. You got to be behind the velvet ropes. $100 per bottle?

What if I fucking want water? Listen, man, if you want to live like you're in an R. Kelly video, there's rules. Oh, fuck that shit, dog. There's no rules. I was once in one of those lines where I was with two girls, and we waited in line like an hour to get into this club. You're fucking nuts. And then I get to the front, and they go, the two girls can come. You have to wait.

And I waited for another half hour until I get in. I get in, and then they're like. And the girls are already with guys. No, no. The girls were like, this place sucks. Let's go. I'm like, no. Where was this? I don't remember. And the girls are already with guys. No, no. The girls were like, this place sucks. Let's go. No.

Where was this? I don't remember. Miscellaneous Hollywood bar. Wow. You're fucking crazy. That's brutal. That's brutal. There's this one place in Hollywood that's cool. It's like a bondage type dance club.

You walk in, and there's a net the the bar where people naked girls are just climbing above you so you're drinking and looking up and there's just like spider-mans on top of you it's crazy wow that's crazy yeah weird fucking parties like that man there's that's like a big social thing like who could put on the craziest one who could have uh you know baby tigers right you know the one i went to just had poles. An ice cube that melts. The fuck is that? Like an ice sculpture. Once the ice sculpture is done, the party's over.

When I say it's fucking over. Party's over when fucking Papa does his last fucking line. That's when it's fucking over. Are you fucking kidding me? It's a swan. It's a beautiful swan. It's carved out of ice.

It's amazing art and it's temporary, just like life. It's amazing what they've done to parties and what people think a party should be and how they stand in line and you wait an hour. So you go to a party for four hours, you maybe, if you're a regular person, get four fucking drinks

at the bar. By the time the bartender comes to you and you give a, it's amazing. And you're going to go through all this shit. I think I've told the story about the very first big party that I ever went to. I was in high school. I think I've told the story before, have I? I don't remember. It was a big brawl that broke out. I was with my pal Jimmy Wallace, who's Sully on the message board.

And me and him and this kid John Badaracco, we went to this party that this Iranian kid threw. This Iranian kid had just moved into town. His family was very, very wealthy. He just wanted to make some friends. He decided he was going to throw a party because his parents weren't home. This kid was like 14, 15 years old or something.

He throws this fucking party and has just like five different high schools there. The entire class, like seniors, juniors, everyone's underage, everyone's drinking. The place is mobbed and people are stealing shit left and right. All right. So this place is flooded with horny, drunk teenagers. It's a mansion. It's a mansion in like this incredible old Boston neighborhood with this giant lawn. I mean, it is a mansion. It's a mansion in this incredible old Boston neighborhood with this

giant lawn. I mean, it is a huge fucking place. And right in the middle of this party, these kids are drunk, and one chick says something fucked up to some dude, and the dude says something fucked up to her. I don't remember what the words were, but I remember something she did to him. She either smacked him or she threw a drink in his face. I've forgotten because the right hand that he hit her with is embedded in my brain. There's no room for anything else. This dude knew how to punch. And whatever she did to him, I think she hit him.

Maybe she hit him. He fucking uncorked one on her face. I've never seen a dude knock a chick out like this before. He knocked a chick out like she was a dude. Boom! Just connected on her face with like this perfect punch. And her arms went out. Her body dropped. She went totally unconscious. This dude caught her as she went unconscious. And then it was on. It was just on. It was tables were flying. Glass was breaking. People were diving onto piles of people. And it was like a fucking movie. I was breaking. People were diving onto piles of people. And it was like a fucking movie.

I was like covering my ears and sneaking my way through the house. Bro, it was brawls everywhere you looked. It's like that one punch lit a fire that these kids were just looking for a reason to fight. And people started screaming at people and then piling on top of people. And girls were fucking

hitting people with their shoes. And people were diving off piles and diving on other piles. That's a fucking party, Jack. Woo! I got outside. My friends were all cut up and shit. They're like, let's get the fuck out of here. They had just gotten through a pile.

Wow. You know, like dudes were just piling onto each other. Dudes were just fighting. It became like they got infected with that rage shit from 28 Days Later. Wow. What's a little party like that? It's tough to stay in that line for a fucking hour. They were just stealing VCRs.

Oh, it's crazy. We saw people walking out with shit. We saw them walking out with shit. That's fucking crazy. They just robbed this dude's house. That's fucking crazy. He knew nobody. He just moved there.

It was nuts. Wow. It was nuts. And I'm just thankful that nobody fucking jumped on me. That's all it was. I mean, easily, I could have been at the bottom of one of those piles. There was no logic to those piles. It was nuts. And I'm just thankful that nobody fucking jumped on me. That's all it was. I mean, easily, I could have been at the bottom of one of those piles. There was no logic to those piles.

Those piles were just wild chimp, add alcohol. Who's this fucking prick? This fucking prick from Newton North thinks he's going to come down here? We run shit here. You know what the scariest thing about the whole thing is? Zero cell phones. So that was like no. Those were the good days.

You had 10 minutes to get in your fucking car and leave. And nobody took a picture of your license plate. You know, you could hit somebody with a chair. You had eight minutes to get the fuck home. The bad time is back then when someone stole your car, they stole your car. That's it. That shit's gone, son. There's no internet. You can't put the license plate online.

You can't look at mobile me to find my car. Take your shit, man. One of the biggest lessons I ever learned, I never drank again on New Year's. Never after I seen that one New Year's. I went to a party like that. It was very chill. Everybody was having a good time. And also, one of my buddies couldn't drink.

He started drinking, and he started spitting on the floor. Oh, no. The person said something to him. And he put like $200 in the person who said something to him. He was like, really? He goes, I'll take my money and leave. Well, I'll fucking. So he started some shit.

Next thing you know, all fight broke out. That's the first time. Fuck Mike Tyson. Danny Bianculo bit my friend's ear off that night. We had to drive him to the hospital. It was a baggie with icing. And the bottom of his earlobe was in the thing. And he kept holding on to the car saying, as soon as I get stitched up,

I'm going to go back there and fuck him up. It was one of those types. The kid bit him in the thing and he kept holding on to the car saying as soon as i get stitched up i'm gonna go back there and fuck him up it was one of those types the kid bit him in the ear it was hanging he's got his ear in a baggie with ice and he's like i hope this fucking doctor hurries up because i'm gonna go back to his house and knock the fuck out of him he just beat you up 10 times to stop you the 10th time he bit your fucking ear because he couldn't take it no more. He didn't know what else to tell the fucking kid. But I remember that I never drank on New Year's again. I was like, I never want to be in that position. There's some dudes that just don't give up. No, this motherfucker to this day won't give up.

You have to kill him with a stick. But he was covered in blood. They broke him up, and he would say, okay, I'm all right. He'd wipe his lip. He'd wipe his face. They'd say, go over and shake Danny's hand. He'd go over and he would say, okay, I'm all right. He'd wipe his lip. He'd wipe his face. They'd say, go over and shake Danny's hand. He'd go over to Danny and say, Danny, I'm sorry, but your mother's still a cunt. Let's go one more fucking time.

And then they'd do it again for 20 minutes. The kid would beat the fuck out of him again. All right, get me. All right, I'll stop. Danny would go, you're going to stop this time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Break it up. Towels, ice, massages.

You know, Stitch would be there. And while Stitch is showing him up, he's like, let me go shake his hand, bro. Yeah, it's over. You know what? Your mother still has VD in her asshole. Jesus fucking Christ, he just beat you up ten fucking times. And that's how bad it was. And I never, ever, ever drank again on New Year's, dog.

That's an east coast thing yeah that's some east coast i remember taking rocky marciano jeans and his parents were like where were his friends and we're like uh look at our shirts it's covered with fucking blood you know what i'm saying like we were holding on to him for dear life some people with their kids it's just like having a pit bull that gets to leave the house and go wherever the fuck it wants. Right. You know, with some people, you know, there's some people that have some crazy fucking kids. Could you imagine if you had a crazy kid where every time he was leaving the house, you knew he was going to come home covered in blood, his knuckles all fucked up, screaming and yelling at 3 o'clock in the morning?

I just have a feeling that if that was to happen to me, like if it got really bad, would be like all right i'm taking you to the orphanage or whatever like i feel like i would give up if the kid was like this little redhead kid getting in fights every day and what yeah you say that man but you have to be a real piece of shit i don't want this anymore i'm going to canada and doing crack you have to be a real piece of shit to give your kid up people don't give their kids up they they keep trying but that's what I'm scared of. I feel like I would do that. That's excitement. Your kid fucking getting in trouble.

What? That's excitement. Your kid having some fucking drama. Let me ask you something. You want a half a fag fucking kid? Is that what you want?

You want your kid to really, you want your kid to have some fucking opinion, even at an early age. And for him to have some opinion, there's going to be some problem somewhere along the line, guy. Yeah, that's true.

You had your own fucking opinions at 8 and 9. I know you. And so I don't know about fucking you. But I know I did. I told people what the fuck was on my mind. I know you did. You grew up by yourself. You want your kids there. I'd see these kids. Listen, before I was driving I'd seen this kid, Jewish kid, with a yarmulke on, walking around like a fucking

Momo with sandals on. I almost pulled over and grabbed him by the shirt and said, you're a fucking Jew. Act like it, you dumb fuck. Walking around like some fucking dumpy, wumpy dude. I see these kids. Dumpy, wumpy. I see these fucking kids today, bro. You're a Jew.

Act like it. Act like a fucking Jew. Go out and mug somebody. Go out and sell shoes or something. Wait a minute. You're out walking around like a fucking mumpy dumpy in North Carolina. What's a mumpy dumpy? That's a fucking mook with little sandals Carolina. What's a mumpy dumpy? That's a fucking

mook with little sandals on. Look at these fucking kids today. Wow. You want half of these kids to be your fucking kids? What do you care? I'm dressed. I'm just saying it's not what they're dressed like, but you know this kid's a fucking mook walking around. He's a mook. You can tell by his body. Is that racist? Mook? No, I think

it's a mook. You can tell by his fucking body. Like he's a fucking moron guy. What the fuck? You've been hanging out with me for six years. You don't know's a mook. You can tell by his fucking body. Like he's a fucking moron, guy. Yeah, he's a moron. What the fuck? You've been hanging out with me for six years. You don't know I'm a fucking mook, this guy? Jesus fucking Christ. Why would I know that? You know what I'm saying? You want to have these fucking kids around you texting all fucking day and drinking energy

drinks. You need these fucking kids. These kids can't even work. They're so fucking worthless. You want this shit in your life? You want your kid to have a little opinion and to stick up for himself. You want your fucking principal to call home and say, hey, man, your kid suspended because he told the teacher he didn't believe that. Or he didn't believe what he was saying or something.

And then you talk to him and you level him out. But you don't want half these fucking kids that are sheep. Fucking nukes. I don't want no fucking kid that's a half a sheep. I understand that. What I'm talking about is crazy kids. What kind of crazy kids? What's a crazy fucking kid? You never grew up with a crazy kid? I am a fucking

crazy kid. Look at me. What are you talking about? What's a crazy kid? A kid that's going to cause problems all the time. It's not going to cause problems. Dennis the Menace. If a kid's causing problems all the time, it's scary. It's like you let your kid out. I didn't light fires. I didn't do nothing like that. I didn't mug other kids or rape little fucking girls. I was a fucking kid that liked to have a good time. It's scary. It's like you let your kid out. I didn't light fires. I didn't do nothing like that. I didn't mug other kids

or rape little fucking girls. I was a fucking kid that liked to have a good time. Yeah, me too. I was an idiot. I was an idiot when I was a kid. Why were you an idiot? Oh, I used to drive too fast. I had always had hot rods. I spun one out in front of the school and smashed it into a tree right in front of the school and broke

the car in half. Wow. Listen, bro, you know what life is? You regret that, right? A 17-year-old, I think I was, it into a tree right in front of the school and broke the car in half wow there's no way a 17 year old i think i was maybe 16 shouldn't have been able to have a car like that what kind of car did you have 68442 is it a regret of yours uh no because everybody lived but they didn't have to you know that that that car you have people yeah oh that car could have hit somebody we were all fucking idiots the car was a piece of shit. The problem was I didn't know how to drive when it was raining, when the car's hydroplaning because it had shitty back tires on it.

And I hit the gas and the car just lost it. It just spun out and there was no way I could control it. I didn't know what I was doing. There was no way I should have had that kind of a car. The kind of power those cars have, old muscle cars like that. What did you have before that car? What was the... My first car kind of a car. The kind of power those cars have. Old muscle cars like that. What did you have before that car? My first car was a muscle car. I went straight to muscle cars, man.

My first car was a 73 Chevelle. I'm an idiot, dude. I didn't want something that gives you economy. I had no guidance growing up. I was pure instincts. Mine was like, what's the craziest shit I could get? You cared about the engine? Fuck yeah. I wanted high cubic inches. What is it? It's a 400? It's a 400? Mine was like, what's the craziest shit I could get? You cared about the engine and the concept?

Fuck yeah. I wanted high cubic inches. What is it? It's a 400? It's a 400? Holley 850 double pumper? Holy shit, let's get that. I wanted it.

I just wanted hot rods, man. To me, it was like there was cars that would get you around, but they wouldn't do anything for you. And then there was hot rods. Why would you have a car that wouldn't do anything for you when you could have a car that every time you look at it, you go, holy shit. But they're just such a nightmare. You really shouldn't be allowed to drive one if you're 16, 17 years old. That's a death trap. It's a crazy engine in this little retard brain of mine, and I'm'm 16 and i'm allowed to have this fucking

metal monstrous death machine out there with a bunch of people with their kids out there walking in the streets and there's no way there's no way kids should be able to have that kind of power at the 19 first card 1981 renault alliance and my cousin was just going to like donate it to charity but she i bought it off of her for a dollar. Because for some reason, you have to pay something for some reason. And it was all beat up. And my dad's like, this is your first car. You have to redo this whole entire car to make it look new and stuff like that.

I'll show you how to do it. But you have to do all the work. So we took side panels off. And I took that putty, that molding putty. And I had to re-sculpt this renault alliance wow you bondoed it yeah bondoed the whole car so you made you like earn it yeah yeah yeah and so i but at the end of it it looked like a brand new renault alliance and then it was like it was a renault alliance but it was still funny because i was like then i went to a station wagon

with wood on the sides i had a i had a bunch of cars that were like big american muscle cars a bunch of them in a row and then i got i always said there were always pieces of shit the the the one that i crashed in front of the tree or into the tree rather was the best one that was the nicest one that i had they were the ones afterwards were just shit boxes mostly because i was broke but uh i got an audi fox do you know what that is? Yeah. It's a little tiny front-wheel drive car, manual. It was my first manual, and it was my first really well-engineered car. And it was the first car that I drove. I was like, what a piece of shit these fucking American cars are.

God. You don't realize what a hunk of shit it is to drive a 70 Barracuda, all stock and everything with stock brakes and stock suspension. Those things are just barely connected to the road. They're just all over the fucking place. Taking corners with them is a nightmare. The steering is numb. You have no idea where it's going. And you take that and then you go to like a little tiny car that's like well engineered and handles well. It's like, wow, this is an amazing difference. And that car was a piece of shit, you know, but it was still, it was so much better you know then i started to appreciate cars that weren't powerful but they didn't have to be that powerful to me i just realized it was the

toyota super i think was my favorite car growing up that was fun that was my first expensive car that i got really yeah when i got on tv when i was on news radio that was the first expensive car i got i got a toyota supra i was like holy shit, I have a fucking Toyota Supra with the crazy space wing on the back of it. I heard they're bringing it back. I heard the Supra's coming back. Really? I heard that a couple of months ago.

Well, you know they have that Lexus, if you've never seen it, that LFA. They have this new Lexus that's this incredible piece of engineering. I mean, it's like $400,000, and you're not even allowed to buy it. Apparently, what you have to do is you have to lease it. And you have to pay the entire lease portion up front. And you get it for two years. And it's like $260,000. And you have to pay for it for like two years.

My numbers might be off. But you lease it for two years. And then at the end of two years, you get an option to buy it. And it's this fucking insane new Japanese supercar. It's like 500 plus horsepower. It sounds like, it's like a supercar. It's like the next generation of car. How long until Apple makes the car, the iCar?

You know that's on the works. That's on the table somewhere in some German. Do you think so? I absolutely think so. Look at the segue imagine apple mixing in with the car electronics and combining with another car company to have like just the ultimate car i think they should just stick with fucking computers and it would be the gayest thing ever it'd be like what's those things that everyone has now i'll

hear the hybrids oh yeah it'll be just like that everyone Everyone would have the same fucking car. Oh, my God. My first car was a fucking 73 Monte Carlo, black on black leather, 500 down, 200 a month. I got it from the bank. I drove the car for two months like a pimp. I had the electric package with the windows. I had the roof. And one day in the middle of the winter, I went over to the city to get some weed. And I went, and we were smoking, so I put the sunroof up, and all of a sudden, the sunroof went back, and the windows started going up and down like the electrical system was sizzled.

of here i swear to god it was in a blizzard i went back there three days later the car had a foot of snow on it and all the windows one window was shut the rest of the window coming like a day later the sun came out i went back two days later with a tow truck there was nothing nothing it was the back it looked like a fucking chicken the day after thanksgiving it was just bone. They took everything, Joe. The seats, the upholstery, the fucking black around it. It was just the tires, the whatever, the axles. They took everything. They left the body on bricks. That was it.

I never heard from the bank. I never paid it off. It never came back in my credit. It never came back in my credit thing. It just vanished? It just vanished. Poof! Poof! I never paid for it i went years later to get credit like is there a check bank of fucking america with nothing poof nothing how's that possible don't let fucking ask me i left the car there with a

with five dollars for whatever it's his five dollars in those days like all you had to do was go by george washington bridge and under the bridge you left your car there with the keys in it, with a half a tank of gas and leave like a nickel bag. Your car, you go back there the next day, there would be nothing there. Nothing. Vanish. You could get fucking Barney

Fife on it, they wouldn't find your car. In New York, they would demolish your car like that. Yeah, there's some little shops in New York, little body shops. Like this. And Canarsie up in Brooklyn. They're like rat dens. You're done.

Yeah, they're rat dens. You could find a broken down street, a broken down car, drive it into one of these places. They'll give you $100 cash and $20 for gas. And you'll never see that car again, Doug. Anybody involved in a junkyard. In a junkyard. Yeah, the guys involved in a junkyard, that dude knows how to get rid of a car. I just watched something. In a junkyard. Yeah, the guy's involved in a junkyard. That dude knows how to get rid of a car. Looking for two.

I just watched something. Antibody. I just watched something on CNBC about how big the airbag business was five years ago before they put the numbers on it. You have no idea. People just steal airbags. Oh, my God. People were stealing airbags like it was going out of stock.

I mean, just taking your airbags. Yeah, is it worth a lot of money? $1,500 a pop. Really? So I give it to you, and you of money? $1,500 a pop. Really? So I give it to you, and you sell $1,500. You rob them. You take it to a guy. He gives you three.

And he sells it at $1,500. Wow. And everybody's in on the scam because nobody wanted to pay $2,500. Wow. So a guy could steal one and sell it for $1,500? He was stealing 20 a day. Oh, my God. At $1,500.

Who's doing that? Holy shit, dude. Who's doing that? Some dude who's making $30,000. That's who's doing that. Well, the guy had a ring. That's incredible. The guy had a ring.

Airbag ring. And it got so big that he had to get an office and eventually got popped because it was so big. He was sending them out across the country. He went online. He went on fucking line. Airbags for sale. Next day delivery.

Air. This guy was... So you'd say to him, I need whatever car you have. I want a 2010 airbag for car. Give him your order by the next day. He'd send out a robber to go steal it and send you the airbags overnight. It was a fucking CSNBC, a one-hour special on how bad this shit was. That's craziness.

Fucking airbags. How did he think he was not going to get caught if he had a bunch of people working for him? Yeah. You'd have to do that ninja style. It would have to only be you. That's a business where you can't have too much growth. If you want to go around and around stealing, you've got to be the one who understands where to steal, when to do it, how the alarm works. He'd be the stealer.

Yeah. Of course. Of course not. Why would they work for him? Why would they work for him? The other ones are going to get arrested. You sat around all day and waited for him to say, here, go get a 68 Chevelle. Here, go get a Renault. Here, go get an 89

Subaru. And they just drive around until they find it. There it is. Now you don't even have to need a color. So did they do it at night? Everything at night? I don't know. I didn't fucking say, really. But it's just amazing that, you know, even if you go over to that, you know,

Iraq and Iran, years ago they found that when they went over there, that all the cars they were driving were stolen cars from the States. Wow. That they were just sending the whole cars over there. So when cars get robbed here, and we're like, it's in Mexico. No, it's not. It's a cab in fucking Iraq. Wow, that's crazy. And Iran and Sudan and all those countries.

That's where the stolen cars from here go in a fucking tank. It's amazing and everybody's in on it. Here we're thinking like, oh my fucking car got robbed. I left my fucking kids pictures in there or whatever the fuck. And that's what they do with your shit. It's fucking amazing that every day they come up with a new fucking scam.

Whether it's online. I read something that people are doing online. That's just fucking amazing. Now the internet has really destroyed scammers. Here's a new Facebook scam that I just witnessed last night. People who get hacked accounts on Facebook, they'll be on Facebook and suddenly a little chat will pop up. I'm like, dude, check this out. And then they put a link and it goes to the login page of Facebook again. And so now they're attacking

through chats on facebook like it looks like they're chatting to you wow so watch out for that one because uh she the person i was with almost did i was like no wait a second why are you logging back in you know whoa so watch out for facebook yeah those are tricky man what is that a virus how do they do that somebody gets hacked and i think it just grows and grows and grows like a virus yeah like one person got hacked and then those and they connect to websites like or the websites the ones that are trying to set you up like how's it how you get into that what is what it's doing is yeah i don't know it's like uh collecting information i think about people probably because someone told me that sometimes you'll go to a legit website and

a legit website will have been hacked with this thing. Right. No, I don't think it's that. I think it's almost like a spam bot that somebody puts on Facebook, like MySpace used to do. So they can't do that to your website where you would go to redband.com, and all of a sudden it would say, hey, log in to Facebook or something like that. Unless your server got completely overtaken.

That's what it would be? Yeah, or your website coding got somehow... Can't they invent a virus that does that? Like every time someone wants to click on a link, it opens up a window, asks them to log into something? Absolutely. That's why your servers have to have good virus software and detections.

What a tricky world we live in. I'm petrified of the computer. Petrified? Like, just fucking petrified of it. I don't put my name on there like there's things i want to order and shit i just get i read about all this stuff on there i don't know anything about it so it even scares me more like that even nothing i mean what do you have photos of you what if you have drawings writings you know what do you what do you have that's like

you would really worried about getting out i don't know what is the big deal you people make about i don't know what the fuck the deal is. I bet he has a lot of videos, like webcam videos of him just sitting there like recording. Dancing. I think I...

No, no, no. He's got like a whole Tonetta series. No, no, no. Joey. No, no, no. I mean, all right. So if I hacked into you,

what could I get from you? Nothing. Writing, mostly. My writing's, you know, it's just the most intimate thing on my computer. I'm going to have to quiet these kids up. Yes. It's okay.

What are you going to do? Me and Joey will talk about cattle. It's their fucking house. You know what I'm saying? It's their fucking house. I know it's their house. So what do you want from me? We're imposing in their house.

The missus should have told them to not play near the door. The missus got shit on her plate. There's children out there. You know what I'm saying? We should shut up in here. These fucking people don't know nothing about kids. Right away, he's dropping knowledge. You don't know nothing about fucking kids. That's their out there. You know what I'm saying? We should shut up in here. These fucking people don't know nothing about kids. Right away, he's dropping knowledge. You don't know nothing about fucking kids.

That's their fucking house. So old school. This is their house. We're over here bothering them. This is 4 o'clock. I don't know if you look. This is their fucking time. When we were kids at 4 o'clock, you come into my house, tell me to shut up.

Bitch. I got bitch. I got papaya. I'll stab you. You know what I'm saying? All I'm saying is don't play in front of my door. Right. Oh, they're cute kids.

Let them do what they do. This is their house. What are you going to do? Right? I like the background noise. Brian is so old school. Excuse me. Joey is so old school.

Right. He's like Popeye. He's beyond. Get Popeye in a roller. You're so old school. It's almost like you have your own defined set of rules. Yeah, and you still use MySpace. Yeah, I have that.

Do you still use MySpace? Dude, he pimps MySpace on Twitter. Do you really? Pimp it. Bro, you got to bring the motherfuckers to you. You know what I'm saying? Enough is enough. If you put it out there, you got to have something.

There's nothing wrong with MySpace, and I'm going to tell you why. Because in a year, it'll be back. In a year, it'll be back. And then all you momos that got rid of your page and whipped all your friends. All you mooks. All you fucking mooks. Me, I have my friends in that zone. I've been paying attention all this time.

Why are people getting off my space? Because, see, Joey, here's a perfect example. It's fashionable to get off. Jan Hardy lost two in a row. Do you not hang out with him no more? You know what I'm saying? So what? You got to hang on my screen.

All your friends aren't real. Those are robots. What do you think? Those fucking momos on Facebook are gonna hang out with you and bail you out when you hit somebody in the head with a stick? I don't think so, you fuck. Go fuck yourself with your friends. You just wanna get out there and tell people what's happening. At Facebook, there's still people alive and kicking to their old school.

Bitch, I still got 8-track tape. I'll send you an 8-track. I'll send you a podcast on an 8-track and shit. That's the problem with you fucking kids. Everything has to be fashionable. Stop it. They got to come to your fucking world. That's what we're serving here.

Sorry about the phone. It ain't me this time. It ain't you this time. You know what I'm saying? What's fashionable anymore? I got to have a fucking goatee and shave my head and have an earring. What the fuck? We do what we do.

That's why we do. Formspring is very fashionable. That's why people are special. That's why we're special because we're fucking free, man. We got to have a voice. Joey, are you registered to vote in California? That was fucking hysterical. You said that.

Somebody called me yesterday from Sacramento. Here's people. Listen, I've got a total all together about five felonies. You know what I'm saying? Total. Like all together and out of 52 states. That ain't fucking bad. There's only 50 states.

Yeah. So even if I have one of these, there's 50. That's less than 10%. There's only 50 and two of them are questionable. Right. So there's 52, 54, whatever. Alaska and Hawaii. I got five.

Yesterday I got a call from Sacramento yesterday. Yeah. Asking me if I was interested in working the election for one of those cocksuckers, Meg Whitman or whatever. Oh, that's hilarious. I don't even know what she is. Oh my God, you should say yes. I'm thinking about it, but they threw me off. I was stoned and they were asking me a bunch of personal questions. Like, what if I'm a Republican?

You know, I don't even know. What the fuck? You say you're Cuban. I'm Cuban from Miami. Of course I'm a Republican. What Miami? I never went through Miami. I went around that motherfucker. You know what I fuck. You say you're Cuban. I'm Cuban from Miami. Of course I'm a Republican. What Miami? I never went through Miami. I went around that motherfucker.

You know what I'm saying? I went around that motherfucker. Where did you land? New York City. With fucking Jay-Z and the chick on the piano. But it's so close to Miami, you can claim Miami. No, no, no. I don't want to come to Miami.

It's like if you live in San Bernardino. They fucking know that shit. If you lived in San Bernardino and you were in North Carolina and some chick goes, where you from? You go L.A. Did you ever play stickball when you lived in New York City? Stickball, and I took the

fucking thing off the chairs. You see that thing Joe's got on his chairs? It's on the bottom to hold your chair so it don't slip. You take that out. You unscrew it from your dad's workbench, and you take it to the hardware store for a quarter. They take the screw out ofbench, and you take it to the hardware store for a quarter. They take the screw out of it. And you take that metal thing, and you take a crayon,

whatever your color is. Mine was burgundy red in those days. And you melt the crayon into the middle, and then you go out and play those fucking things on the street in New York where they have one, two. It's like nine ball. Nine ball without the fucking stick. So you play that for money.

That's how I made money in the first and second grade. You got to be good with your finger. I always thought stickball was like baseball. You have stickball, which is automatics. That's a single. If I hit your mother's fucking pot roast, it's a double. I was very lucky that there was not a pool hall anywhere near my house when I was growing up. Very lucky.

Because I didn't get in the pool until I was 21 years old after I'd hurt my knee. I tore my ACL and I couldn't do Taekwondo for a while. I couldn't kickbox. So I needed something to do with my time. You know, just something to just, all I was doing was doing stand-up. So I started doing this. I started playing pool. If I was

like 7, 8 years old and I started playing pool, I would have been fucked. I would have never paid attention in school. I would have never paid attention in school. I would have just been obsessed with playing that fucking game. And I've been like one of those dudes. Like every pool hall you go to, there's some kid who's just caught in school

and he's just sitting around waiting for somebody to gamble. All over the country. They're just sitting around for, you want to play a game? Want to play a game? And it's all just about, that's just like how they fulfill

their competitive instincts and desires. They just get caught up in games and gambling for pool. And then you ever watch that episode of The Twilight Zone? There was a Twilight Zone where a pool hustler played for his soul. Yes, for his soul. Yeah, and it turned out that he lost. Who was the episode? You got to tell me the episode.

Who was in it? We talked about this already, you and I. Jonathan Winters. Jonathan Winters was the devil. Yeah, and Jack Klugman was the pool player. He wanted to be the best. Excellent one. Yeah, and this guy was like a dead guy, and he came back to play him, right?

And the thing was, he had already lost. It's because he had devoted his entire life to just playing pool. He'd wasted his life. He'd wasted his life playing this game. So he'd lost anyway. And it was like, wow. You don't realize there's certain things that you can get obsessed with, and it's fun, and you enjoy it, and you can have a good time.

You can play golf on the weekends, and it can add flavor to your life. Or you could just get caught up in it, and that becomes everything. And gambling when you're a kid, when you're a young kid. How many guys do you know that when you were a kid that when you're a young kid, how many guys do you know that when you were a kid that all they wanted to do was play cards? All they wanted to do

was find games. All they wanted to do was gamble. Go to the track, racetrack, horse track. Everybody was gambling. When you were kids? Fuck yeah.

I didn't live with those kind of kids. I really, one thing I really, I never told you about that, my mom had the bar. And from the ages of like seven to ten, I was very, I got hooked on pool. But it was, I never told you about that My mom had the bar And from the ages of like 7 to 10 I got hooked on pool

But the reason why I stopped playing pool Was because I got really creepy It overtook me I used to get into pool and I would say things to people About them that was creepy As I was playing And one day I went home and I checked myself My mother asked me, she goes, what the fuck is that?

Just your competitive drive. Yeah, and it really taught me. I never wanted that feeling ever again. Like, it stopped me from being that competitive. It's not just balls going into a hole. There's something about pool. There's a reason why everybody has this thing about pool being a manly game. You know what I'm saying?

Like, there's certain games, like, it's not, who gives a fuck if you're good at Donkey Kong? No one's going to be impressed. But, like, you know what I'm saying? If a girl beats you at Donkey Kong, what the fuck? Who cares? A girl beats you at pool, though,

that's a totally different world. There's something very manly about being able to control that ball, being able to keep your composure, being able to pocket those difficult shots, being able to run out. That's a manly thing. That's being able to keep your shit together

and keep everything tightly tuned. It's almost like a moving yoga sort of a thing. i would be so much more pissed if a girl beat me at donkey kong really would you i'd be like this is horrible what is happening to me that's just because you're a super nerd right like if she beats me at pool okay i agree if a girl beat me at quake that would be way worse than yes quake would be way worse than pool for me but that quake was quake was a bigger obsession than pool was because I couldn't always get people to play me in pool. Sometimes I'd go to the pool hall and there'd be no one to play.

You'd have to sit around and wait or you'd have to practice by yourself. And maybe someone would come in and, you know, this guy, I can't play him, he's too good, or he won't give up a spot. I'm looking for a new... With playing Quake, you just get online. Anytime you want, you just hop online and play. You need to buy the new Call of Duty next week.

I can't. I'm scared. I saw this fucking ad for the new Star Wars game. There was a Star Wars game ad that they showed during the UFC. It looks so dope. Force Unleashed 2. Oh my god, the fucking graphics. I don't know if this was in-game footage or if it's one of those tricky things

where they pretend it's in-game footage, but it's not really. It's just some animation about the game they've created. The last one was pretty good, but that's not my cup of tea too much. I like the first-person shooters more, unless they changed that. It's not a first-person shooter. It's a third-person shooter where it's from behind the person. Oh, I don't like those. Yeah, those aren't as fun to me.

I want to see everybody else. I want to see it as if I'm seeing it i don't need to see my character that's stupid you know i i might want to see the the hand in front of me with the gun i kind of like that look and quake sometimes when you see the hand in front of you with the gun like sometimes it's easier or something it's easier to remember what you have too like you don't remember if you have a lightning gun or if you have a real gun right sometimes i would just have it where i'd only see the crosshair. But that's the most fun game to play. That's the most fun way to play it to me because it's the most immersive. Because that's how we see things.

We don't see our body outside, our body running around. That's ridiculous. It doesn't even feel like me. But when I'm playing Quake and it's just me. There's a crosshair and I'm running down hallways and shit. It's too exciting. Can't do it. Scary.

Dude, you should do it and now do it in 3D. That's the best. Playing first person shooters in 3D on the TV. I'm sure. It's amazing. I'm sure it would give you crazy eyesight. It would probably fuck with your eyeballs. Yeah, it's intense though.

You feel way more immersed into it. A lot of guys when they're playing quick, they kill all the graphics. They would kill all the graphics and make it look really flat. The idea would be that so that the opponent would show up better and so that their processor, their computer would process it faster. But that looks terrible. Yeah, but they're more in it for the numbers.

They're in it for the looks. Like the railgun looks like you only see a straight line to it. A lot of the graphics are gone. Flame. Have you ever played a video game, Joey? No. Not even Pac-Man? Pac-Man, yes. Were you Pac-Man Frenzy back in the day? Not Pac-Man. I'm the other one. Mrs. Pac-Man.

Let me tell you something. Anybody who got good at that Quake game and started playing it, anybody would get hooked. It is so exciting. It's so 3D. The thing about first-person shooters, especially ones like Quake, it's like you can do things. Like you can run around.

You can jump. You can rocket jump, shoot down at the ground, and go flying through the air and land on things. I mean, this is a completely three-dimensional world. And most of these maps that you're fighting on, they have all these levels to them, layers and levels, and you travel back and forth and up and down. And you're running down these corridors.

It's all in real time, fighting other people. It's's so exciting you really need to play some new video games i can't i can't because if you really think that that highly of quake's graphics in a world quake 4 is pretty dope i know even quake 4 you take quake 4 the best machine you can possibly buy you take that yeah times that probably by 2 million and then that that's where video games are nowadays. Really? Which games are really like... Call of Duty is one that I personally love. It's amazing. I mean, it's so realistic. It's just so immersive.

You remember when we saw... Borderlands, another one that you would totally fucking love. Do you remember when we saw Gears of War before it even came out? Yeah, Gears of War. Way, way early. Our buddy Cliffy B. from Epic Games, who's a cool motherfucker. Gotta get him on. Yeah.

I would love to have him on the podcast. He's just one of the nicest guys ever. And just super cool, friendly dude. And we met him, and he showed us a bunch of shit. It was before Gears of War ever came out. And he was like, you know, we're about to fuck Doom in the ass. That's what he said. Because Doom 3D, it just came out. Oh, what was it? Well, we're going to, we're about to fuck Doom in the ass. Right. That's what he said.

Because Doom 3D, it just came out. Oh, crap. Yeah. I forgot all about that. Yeah, remember that? And he was showing us the Gears of War stuff. And we were like, oh, my God. Yeah, that was like eight months before that game was even, like, released or something,

or announced. Yeah. And you don't realize what hard work is until you see game developers. Yeah. You see the amount of hours they put in. Like, Tim Willits from id Software and Todd Hollingshead and all those guys and John Carmack.

Getting to hang around with them, getting to go to id Software and see where they make the game. First of all, it's so humbling how fucking badass these guys are. Like the designs and all the crazy graphics and all the things they're constructing. I remember we went there to id

before Doom 3 came out and they were showing us like some demo versions of it just fucking amazing shit just the artwork but then you talk to them you're like like how much time do you guys spend working this and they're like it's like 16 hour days every day you work on sundays yeah they work they work constantly man it's in the they'll take time off and go on vacation it's amazing how much like they're kind of like South Park for eight months, you know? And then there's like, even when it comes to everything in Hollywood, like any kind of CGI or computer graphics, it seems like they're all like that. Like, I know somebody that's doing Harry Potter 3D right now, and it's just like 19-hour shifts. Yo, what's up with that, man?

If you had kids, and, you know, it's like, you motherfuckers need to hire more people. Like, this is ridiculous. Why is this's up with that, man? If you had kids, and you know, it's like you motherfuckers need to hire more people. Like, this is ridiculous. Why is this guy going to work 16 hours? Don't you guys make like a billion dollars a year doing this shit?

I mean, how many fucking video games do they make? You know, video games make a fuckload of money, man. Did you ever play, end up playing

the new UFC game with you in it and ever fuck around with it? No, I'm scared. I told you, I'm scared of games, man. I love it. I don't want to get fucking hooked.

I don't want to have people over, come on, let's play some UFC. And then all of a sudden, the sun's up and birds are chirping and I can't believe I'm still awake. My eyeballs are shot and I sleep till three in the afternoon. I did that. I did that for years. I love it because in Target, they have a UFC demo that's constantly playing. And so I was in Target the other day shopping and suddenly hear your voice behind me going, oh, no, or something like that.

I'm like, what the fuck? What's my voice? Oh, no. Isn't that what you probably do in game night? Well, we actually did two things. We did it so that I have to go in and start working on it again. Oh, really? Yeah, we're working on a new one soon.

I think next month I start. Wow. on it again oh really yeah we're working on a new one soon they just uh i think next month i start wow but they're um what we do is we play certain clips of fighters like doing stuff and you call the action while it's actually happening you do that and then you also like make imaginary scenarios like imaginary scenarios like heel hook transitions to the arm bar and watch how it transitions to the back and we try to come up with a bunch of different you know possibilities for that and then we have descriptions of this fighter taking on this guy, and this fighter taking on this guy. Like, endless combinations.

So there's so many hours put into the game. I mean, just ridiculous, stupid hours. Now, when you guys filmed it, was there any Easter eggs that you know of where you had weird scripts that you wrote that was like, all right, why am I doing this? This is weird. No, that's a good question, though. That's a good question,

because there's a lot of Easter eggs in games, right? Yeah, there's actually a bunch of games. There's a list of the top 10. I think it was on crack.com of the top 10 Easter eggs that took the longest to find. There was one that was just found the other day from some NES game. I don't get Easter eggs, man.

I don't get it. I love it. If you want to put something on like and eddie bravo on his uh twister the dvd to twister he had uh the the easter egg was brian callum doing that uh gay brazilian jiu-jitsu instructor all right you know remember that you've seen that video right which is hilarious like dude why wouldn't you just put that on the yeah that seems yeah easter eggs should be just little things maybe that's a brilliant video why would you hide that somewhere deep in your...

Where you have to press control, alt, delete to get to it or something? What do you have to press to get to the Easter eggs? It's usually just up arrows. You have to hit the arrow right down. Yeah, but you have to do it in the right order, right? Like down, down, left, right. It depends. Sometimes it's crazy.

Fuck you. Fuck you for making me look for shit like that. That's right. What the fuck? If you got something, show me. Put it out there. Yeah, what the fuck? What am I, a treasure hunt all of a sudden? What something, show me. Put it out there. Yeah, what the fuck? What am I,

a treasure hunt all of a sudden? Put it out there. What is this shit? Aren't you lucky to embarrass yourself to your daughters and shit? See, there's a number of bosses. Yeah, you go out there

and you say you can't talk. No, you don't. And they look at you weird like that. Who runs this motherfucker? You don't say that. You look at the wife and you go,

we're doing the podcast. Then the wife will tell you later. Oh, okay. Really? Are you fucking serious? No, she doesn't. I've had them all goddamn day running up and down, running around Target. They heard your voice yelling and screaming. They thought it was you there.

What are you, nuts? And look at them, they're nice and quiet. That's why you can't say nothing to the kids. You just gotta fucking. You know, I told you, you don't say anything to the kids. Nothing. They run the fucking place. Hey, Joe, have you ever heard of something called geocaching?

I think that's what geocaching no it's this whole thing and it's this is one of these weird things that you would never know existed unless you just ran across it it's like a a game that the whole earth or whatever is the the playing field and these people uh put g get gps coordinates to different boxes or treasures oh i have heard about this it's so crazy so like so what it is there's maps and there's there's websites that you go to that you try to find these little boxes that spread out throughout cities everywhere right and then you get to one of these boxes you open it up and i think you sign like your name on it and then you

look sometimes there's little treasures or presents in there and you just or you add things to this little box like you know like a cool badge or like a diamond or something not a real diamond but whatever you know and then uh it's like this whole like game that people play it's called geocaching and there's iphone apps for it there's it's it's so weird i've always wanted to do it like at least or at least look at a box and see what's inside of it you know if you weren't worried about people being stalked and you weren't worried about like nuts on the internet you could have a pretty dope tv show where you like give out coordinates right now and and you know you tell this dude where to go and then you release that information on the internet and he's got to go do something and people from the internet

will help him out all right but then you the problem is you just have some nut who would just be like you know you and I are brothers in another life. I have eaten crystals and seen his vision. And then he'd be fucking following you around everywhere. You could have issues with that dude, you know, and if he knew that he could get on television by helping you and becoming your friend. But you could have a pretty dope TV show like that. That would be cool. That's no filter, though.

You mean internet show. There's no reason to have TV shows. Well, yeah, I guess. I don't know, though. You mean internet show. Yeah. There's no reason to have TV show. Well, you mean, yeah, I guess. I don't know, man. I mean, no, there is. It's still exciting. Dude, TV is still, what you're getting from TV, what, there's not, it's not like there's not going to be TV anymore.

What it is going to be is that internet and TV sort of merge together. Yeah. You know, because TV's still cool because you've got, first of all, you've got experienced producers, people who know how to film things correctly, people who know how to like write scripts, people who know how to write scripts. You've got all these talented motherfuckers, so it's never going to go away if the shit they're producing is really cool.

It's just somehow or another they're all going to merge together. But you're not going to get rid of TV. The idea of getting rid of TV, who's going to make Lost? Who's going to make something like that? No, what it's going to be, though, as an example, you go to Jimmy Kimmel's website, you can watch every single one of his episodes way for way way way back you know right right so they're it's just going to get to a point where they're not broadcasting tv to like that's what i want to fucking do is

watch jimmy kimmel you know what i'm saying listen let's get down and fucking dirty here cocksuckers what so like it's it's going to get to a point where they're just not broadcasting it anymore there's no cable companies it's just going to be to a point where they're just not broadcasting it anymore. There's no cable companies. It's just going to be, like, every show has their own website. Yeah, for sure. So JimmyKimmel.com instead of JimmyKimmel on Channel 4. And then there's going to be people who set up networks online where it's just, like, it connects online to your television. And it's an alternative network.

It's Google TV, Apple TV, all those other TVs. Yeah, bam, Shazam. So right now, your website might have some cool YouTube videos, but imagine it in the future being a channel. Yeah, I mean, we always said that that's probably what's going to happen, right? That everyone's going to get their own channel. That websites literally will be like channels, and everyone's going to have their own little fucking thing.

That's when it's going to be a real problem, like iRealityShow. Like if Apple produces some new thing where you make your own reality show, it's a fucking hat, and you put this hat on, and it's got a little thing, and there's a camera right in front of you, and you just carry it around with you, and it broadcasts wirelessly on the 4G network. That's what Justin TV started off as.

That one guy. Yeah, that one guy. 24 hours a day, he was his own TV show. What I'm saying is that Apple would create an app. Not an app, but a device, like a new version of you know like they have the ipad some new crazy thing and this thing would be i reality show your own reality show it would edit it for you you'd be able to you know do it all with voice commands and shit cut edit rewind delete broadcast totally yeah it'll show it to you a little heads-up display right in front of you. Would you like to send this online right now?

Yes, bam. Do it online right from there. That's when we're going to have real attention whores. Who's going to do the nuttiest shit on their reality show to get people to watch them? Totally. And there's some people out there that'll become famous that can't get a reality show right now.

You think, well, hey, all you have to do nowadays is get a reality show and you're famous. Yeah, try getting a reality show, shithead. You think it's that easy? You've got to be like Kim Kardashian. You've got to suck some black dick. You've got to get people interested in you. You've got to get that big, fat, white-ass, naked in front of the TV. What are people going to see every week?

And also she shows that big dick going into it. Yeah, big dick going into her pretty face. Gobble, gobble, gobble. That chick just went for it. She's just like, how about this? Come on, Seven. I'm going to be a fake porn star. I'm a porn star with an out.

You're going to watch me fuck, but it's only because it was an accident. You're not supposed to see me fuck. Shut down. And then she just slings it out there. All those crazy bitches showing their pussy when they're getting out of cars. I mean, they just took whoredom to the next level.

It's when they raise the bar. That's how hard it is to get a reality show. You've got to do something like that, and you've got to be there. You've got to be in the soup of Hollywood. You can't start a reality show like that from Nebraska. No one's going to give a fuck. It's just not going to happen. Well, everybody shot reality shows, even Octomom. Now you have to be fucking interesting.

Something has to be going on. Now you have to be interesting. Now you have to be interesting. Or crazy. You could shoot a reality show, but now you have to be interesting. Yeah. You know, like I was saying to you, I've been watching a couple of those shows lately, and I understand all these fucking people are crazy.

Hey, let me tell you something, Doug. I just want to mention one thing, that this is the year of the Mexican, the Miss America, Felipe Esparza winning last comic standing, the dishwasher, El Compadre Chuchu getting off on that one pound of Coke deal with the racial profiling, and now your boy, Kane motherfucking Velasquez on Saturday night. It's the year of the Mexican. Mexicans are taking over. It's the year of the fucking Mexican.

It's just a matter of time. There's so many of them. It's the year of the fucking Mexican. But the way he took over was amazing. I couldn't call that in a million years. That's why you didn't see a Joey Karate video. Because I really couldn't call that. He's a beast, man.

You fucked him up, dog. I would have lost a lot of money at that UFC. That dude's a psychological fucker. You know who first told me about this? Well, I had heard good things about him. I had heard, like, this guy's really good. This guy is very talented. This guy works really hard. This guy's really good. You know, this guy is very talented. This guy works really hard.

This guy's very dedicated. But you hear that about a lot of guys. There's certain guys that stand out. Kane was always a guy that stood out. Like, you'd remember him. Like, people would talk about him. Like, before, like, when he had, like, his very first fight in the UFC. But Phil Barone was talking to me.

And I think we were in Germany. And we were sitting around talking. And he was just going off about how good Kane is. He's like, he's the real fucking deal. He's the best in the world. He goes, I don't give that up for anybody because I watch him run through guys. He goes, I watch him never get tired. I watch him do these conditioning drills, and he's the last one to get tired.

When guys like Josh Koscheck and Welterweights, and he was like, you never see that. You never see a heavyweight that can go at the same pace as welterweights and beat them in conditioning and endurance drills. He's like, the guy never gets tired. He goes, it's incredible. He goes, he would get, you know, like him and Kostchek, you know, and both of them are incredibly well conditioned. And he would like do as much as Kostchek or more. That's insane. Like you never hear about a 240 pound guy that's able to do that. You know, the 170 pound guys, I mean, that's where the real endurance is. You know, that's where the, like, 145-pound guys, those motherfuckers can go. They'll go for you.

They can go. Frankie Edgar, try slowing Frankie Edgar down. Good luck. Frankie Edgar could go for 20 rounds. If it was a fucking contest to see, like, Frankie Edgar is very difficult to catch. You might be able to beat him in a decision. Very difficult to grab a hold of. Very difficult to catch in a submission. I mean, he's fast as fuck. His footwork's good.

His wrestling's good. If every fight was 25 rounds, Frankie Edgar might not ever lose, ever, for the rest of his life until he decides to retire. If he just keeps going until one of you breaks, until one of you slows down, it's going to be you. The motherfucker can just keep going. There's certain guys at that weight but you never hear about that for 240 except kane kane's the only guy i've ever heard about that as a heavyweight i mean you hear things about brock lesnar that he's a freak like that his like if you look at like his numbers like his ability to like i think i don't remember what his combine numbers were i have it on my computer it don't matter but they're insane

numbers knocked out of him so the combine numbers don't come into it. No, what I'm saying is. That's what people get confused about. All those numbers go out the fucking window. They do. Let me tell you something. You know what? What AKA seen that I seen the first fight with Shane Carlin, bro, that really fucked me up.

It all comes to you right there. It all came to me as I was looking at them right before they're getting ready to go. I looked at my wife and I go, Cain Velasquez is going to knock this motherfucker out. And I didn't think that until right there. That's why I didn't do a video. And I thought about two things. A lot of people thought that. I thought that I seen what Shane did to him,

and I think that this guy just said, I'm going to do what Shane did with endurance and just get him before the first round. But then I seen some in the Shane Carlin fight that nobody fucking mentioned. There's one part in the Shane Carlin fight when they're getting started where Shane Carlin hits him. And after he gets hit, he goes, that motherfucker never been hit before, bitch. That motherfucker, he thought this was a wrestling game.

He ain't never been hit before. Did you know that? I didn't think about that. Think of an experienced fighter when he gets hit. He'll smile. He'll go like this. He went like this. Look at that first fight again when he gets hit. He'll smile. He'll go like this. He went like this. Look at that first fight again when he fought Carwin.

And that's when I said, ooh. If AKA seen that, they said they seen something. He don't like getting hit. Look at the fight again. Somebody posted something on the underground. They could have very well been trolling. I have no idea. But they said that.

What's trolling? Trolling is just you post something that's not true to try to get people to bite and then people start arguing this is bullshit and then you know you laugh your ass off because you got a bunch of idiots arguing over nonsense do you know what trolling used to mean by the way no it used to mean a guy that chased after other men really yeah because uh when was that uh i don't know online i got in trouble with uh the animal pet or los angeles uh pet police or whatever they're called what you got there's pet police and somehow they got in trouble with the animal pet or Los Angeles pet police or whatever they're called. What? There's pet police and somehow they got in trouble? What are they called?

You got in trouble with the pet police? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Animal control? Yeah, animal control. What happened? Because people on the internet like Outlaw and all these people were telling this poor girl on MySpace that I tortured cats or something like that. Oh, that's right. You had made a fake video or something like that. Oh, that's right. Right. So you had made a fake video or something like that?

Yeah, I made a fake video where I had a cat in a refrigerator. And I used to, I was like, I keep it in the freezer and stuff like that. Right. But anyways, so they called animal control at me. And I had to explain to this guy that I was trolling or they were trolling people on the internet. And he goes, trolling? And then he's like, yeah.

And he goes, what's trolling, man? I'm like, you know, like joking or kidding. He goes, oh, well, that meant something else went back in my day oh okay i see i see but way before the internet way before the internet yeah talk about she was trolling well trolling is like a lot of people a lot of dudes will pretend to be girls and they'll get dudes to bite so that you know like and then they'll get dudes to bite. And they'll get dudes to say some ridiculous shit. And then at the end, they're like, I'm a dude, you faggot.

No one's coming to your house to suck your dick. There's a lot of that. And Doug Stanhope did a whole bunch of trolling with pedophiles. He would do it. There was a thing called baiting.org. I don't know if it's still around. I think Doug wrote a book about it.

I think he's got a book. Doesn't he? I think they were doing a book or he has.org. I don't know if it's still around. I think Doug wrote a book about it. I think he's got a book. Doesn't he? I think they were doing a book or he has a book. I'm not sure. But I know there's a lot of his blogs that are still available. You can find them online. If you just go to DougStanhope.com, I'm sure everything is there. But he had this whole thing where he would pretend to be little kids and he would troll pedophiles.

That's hilarious. And then he would post it all online. So what were they trolling about Cain Velasquez? You said that somebody was trolling something. Oh, about Brock Lesnar. What they were saying was that no one was allowed to punch him in the face during training.

I'm telling you, dog, that dude has never been lit up. All his life. He's always been the fucking biggest guy in the room. So nobody's ever said to him, come on, cocksucker, let's get it on. Do you think it's possible that all the pro wrestling that he did

and playing football for a little bit that he did too, do you think maybe he suffered a bunch of concussions? No, bro. You don't think so? Some people have never been hit because they've always intimidated people. This motherfucker took it to him. I really don't think he's coming back. I think his ego got busted up like your boy in Trinidad against Bernard Hopkins.

I don't think so. He's too egotistical. There's ego and there's confidence. Came from Alaska with his fucking confidence. I don't know about that because he came back better and stronger after Frank Mir tapped him. That was a leg lock. That wasn't a punch to the fucking face, bro. It's true.

Big fucking difference when you get punched in the fucking face twice and when they cut you and you gotta see that every time you shave. You see that every time you shave. I don't think he's gonna beat that guy. I don't think he's going to beat that guy. I don't think he's going to beat that guy. I think the gap is too big. What I think about when I see that guy,

when I see the two of them, the way they performed when they were fighting each other, I saw one guy who was like this unbelievably strong, powerful, fast guy, but he didn't know exactly what to do with his body. He didn't know exactly how to handle situations he didn't know to do the right thing and the other dude who maybe not as strong as him but pretty fucking strong and has real good technique everything he does perfect everything

he does is smart all his footwork is smart he can go at that same pace and keep going he's not exploding a shitload of energy that he can't recover from he's like he paced himself better he handled it more professionally. It's like one guy's a black belt. I'm looking at a black belt in MMA, and Cain Velasquez is like a master. And in Brock, I'm looking at this super powerful purple belt, this just ridiculously powerful guy who can get away with a lot of shit if you don't have perfect technique.

You really won't be able to stop him. But a guy like Cain has perfect technique. That's the difference. Listen, I think that the next guy they're going to put him up against which is what's online is Frank Mir no no no, Brock and I'll tell you what, I think Frank Mir will take it to him now because now Frank Mir will know

what to attack straight at him, throw a bunch of fucking punches and punch him in the face when I was a kid I grew up in Northbury and we played all the fucking, I hate to say this we played all the black schools. We're group four. You play Passaic.

You play Patterson Eastside. These are fucking schools, Jack. You don't go in there and just talk, hi, how are you, about Chad. There ain't no Chad at these fucking schools. And the coaches would tell us, bro, the first play of the game, fire out. Like your fucking assholes on fire.

And then you establish that, and you'll see that they back off a little bit. And that's what I think is going to happen to Brock. Everybody's seen that. If you're a great fighter, you've seen that. Carwin had him in a way, dog. Carwin needed two fucking seconds and had him. Carwin had him.

No question. I think that he's never been hit. I think he's never been fucking lit up. Well, he is sparring with people, though. There's videos of him sparring with people. I think he's too big. He's Brock Lesnar. You think they're just taking it easy on him?

I got my nose broken in the sixth grade. It still hurts. It still fucking hurts, all right? It still hurts. My nose, and I didn't know for years

because I was doing coke. For years, I thought I was doing coke because I had pain in my heart or I was doing coke from the fucking pain in my nose.

I had my nose busted three times. You weren't doing coke for the pain in your nose. One time with a fucking coke because you like coke. in your nose. One time with a fucking coke. One time with a fucking police thing over here. Let me tell you something. The last two years, my fucking nose has been hurting.

What is that pain from? It's from fucking getting your nose broken. I knew in the sixth grade I was never going to be a fucking fighter. It's totally unrelated to all that coke. I know this is a joke, you fuck. It's a joke, you fucking Momo. What I'm saying is, though, that it's so weird that the last two years, my nose has really been fucking hurting. And I never hit it by mistake or nothing lately.

But I remembered when I broke it, the pain I had. When you fucking break it, let me tell you something. He got a cut in his eye. He had a bloody nose. The worst thing about having your nose broken is if you have your nose broken seven out of ten times, they busted your upper lip upper lip too so you got snotty blood you're tasting and salty blood fucking from your mouth you remember that taste for the rest of your fucking life i don't give a fuck who you are and that's not a fucking good taste that taste always equivalizes to something that ain't good man i've been my nose has been fucking broken jack and i'll tell you what it hurts and he got

fucking beat up the other night he He got beat up, dog. That last punch when he got it, he got that on the floor. I've watched that end ten times already. He got that on the fucking floor. He got hit. I don't think he's coming back like that. I think that fuck with him. He's a big Viking ego fucking shit.

Somebody took it to you, motherfucker. It's a different game now. You get humble, and he may come back strong, but he's going to let people punch him in the fucking face now. Watch that Carwin fight when it's on next time. Watch it again on your computer, and you'll see what I'm talking about. And nobody mentioned it

at all. He got hit one time. People did mention it. A lot of people thought the way he cowered was... And he fucking... He went, that means he's never been hit before. That's what that means, Jack. I don't know about that, man. I think it's an interesting thing because he was such a huge draw

and still is such a huge draw because of pro wrestling and everything like that that he was rushed right into the big leagues right away. If you wanted to be smart with a guy like that and you wanted to really build him up correctly you know you wouldn't just do that with him you would slowly work him in and then have him fight for the title once the demand was through the fucking roof but they just they had that perfect fight with him and randy couture it was such a perfect promotional fight you know one of the greatest ever fucking hall of famer fighting this new, big, young, crazy dude. And holy shit, can he beat him?

But really, Randy was, you know, I mean, he was the heavyweight champion, but, you know, he was 45, I think, at the time. And it's like, you know, it's past his prime to be fighting a guy that's this big and this athletic and this crazy. So all of a sudden, Brock beats him. And now Brock is just at the top of the heap with all these ferocious lions who have been doing MMA for 10 years nipping at his heels. There's a big goddamn gap there. There's a few guys there that have a big-ass gap.

Kane's one of them. His full MMA game is at a way higher level. The time that he's put in, the way he picks things up. Everything he does is perfect. He's a baby. He's 26 or something. Something like is perfect he's a baby ain't he 26 or something something like that he's a fucking baby he's a baby

so all you heavyweight motherfuckers you better start dropping down to 205 and shit cause it's gonna be scary for a while good luck with all that and I just wanna tell people

that when I don't make a Joey Karate video sometimes it's like sometimes Eddie's out of town but the other times is that I'm fucking stumped, and I don't want to give you bad info. I was going to go with Brock.

I would have gone with Brock. I would have gone with Martin Kampman. And Matt Hamill was the lock of the year. Let me tell you something. Anytime Tito fights, when you bet against him, and I love Tito to death. I was one of his biggest fucking fans. But every time he fights, I just bet against him, dog.

That's his easy fucking lock right there. And I hate to say this, but it's true. If I had $10,000, I would have bet it on fucking Matt Hamill. That's a no-brainer anymore. And Sam Stout. You can always bet Sam Stout. I'm not going to sit there and be Houdini. That was a great fight.

I'm going to win Brock against whatever. Sam Stout is always fucking good. There's a casino that always got a line on Sam Stout. Those motherfuckers always come down. Those guys play to win, Sam Starr. He just don't hit too fucking hard. He hits hard as fuck. Sam Starr hits very hard.

He's just fighting really good guys. You know, I mean, that dude, he fought Paul Taylor. That guy's a motherfucker. That guy's a motherfucker, Paul Taylor. He's a motherfucker. That was a great fight, man. Can the kids hear me yelling and screaming? Yeah, they can hear you.

That's all right. It's all right. I'm sure they've been swept away. They know it's their Uncle Joey that's fucking crazy. That's Uncle Joey. That Campman right. I'm sure they've been swept. They know it's their Uncle Joey. That's fucking crazy. That's Uncle Joey. That Campman-Shields fight, man. Campman could have won that fight. A lot of people thought that I was hyping up Shields and that I wasn't talking enough about Campman.

I think, you know, I'm a big Campman fan. That's bullshit. You and I were talking about Campman at dinner Friday night. I said to you, he ain't no joke. He's from Tennessee. I seen him with Mike Pyle. He talked different. I like Mike Pyle. Bro, I love Mike Pyle. He's from Denmark, I seen him with Mike Powell. He talks different. Bro, I love Mark.

He's from Denmark, bro. I know. I don't know these things. He's a bad motherfucker. I think he's a bad motherfucker. I think he fought the wrong fight in that fight, but he could have won that fight. He could have won it. Jake Shields was exhausted, man.

He had cut 20 pounds in a day to get down to 170. Because he had been fighting at 185 in Strikeforce, and he put on some muscle. I didn't realize until you said that during that broadcast. Put on some muscle, man. He had a real hard time making that 170. Because, you know, he had been fighting at 185 in Strikeforce, and he put on some muscle. I didn't realize until you said that during that break. Put on some muscle, man. He had a real hard time making that 170, a real hard time. He was dead in the water. And Kampman just didn't quite – I was, you know, I was really thinking that Kampman was going to pull that off.

You know, I didn't want to say it. You know, I didn't want to say it before the fight. But when I saw what shape Jake was in the weigh-ins right before he weighed on, I was like, this guy looks like he has AIDS. He looks like he's dehydrated. He looks like he's dead. He looked terrible, bro. I was shocked.

He looked so terrible that I saw him and I shook his hand. I was like, whoa. There's some guys that look. The worst I ever saw was Travis Luter. When Travis Luter was going to fight Anderson Silva, listen, man. He weighed in twice. I was there for the first weigh-in. He looked terrible. He had dry, chapped lips. I was there for the first weigh-in. He looked terrible.

He had dry, chapped lips. He was gaunt. He was sucked in. And then he didn't make weight. And so he had another hour, I think, or two hours to make weight. Well, he tried to make weight another 45 minutes. And then he shuffled over to the scale. He couldn't walk, bro.

He couldn't walk. Like, Jake had to walk upstairs to get to where the stairs was, and you could see him. As he was walking upstairs, it was awkward. It was awkward watching him walk. That's how exhausted he was. And then he got on the scale, nothing like, what's his face, like Travis Luthor. Travis Luthor looked like he was dead. He looked like a zombie, bro. He looked like a dead man that was walking. He looked like a guy who had been poisoned. And 24 hours after that, he was supposed to be fighting the baddest motherfucker on the planet in Anderson Silva. In 24 hours.

And he walks over and he still can't make weight. He's still like a pound and a half off. There's no way he can lose it. He's just fucked. He just calculated it wrong. Or he didn't lose enough fat or he didn't stick to his diet. He should have gone to Weight Watchers. Tell them, Brian.

Should have counted those fucking points. These guys, they've got it down to science. They're cutting so much fucking weight. They're cutting 20 pounds. A lot of them are cutting 20 pounds. And they do it slowly. One of the Dong Gi Yang, a Korean dude who fought on the card,

he lost to Chris Camozzi. Very, very close and controversial decision. A lot of people thought that he should have won, but he was at Legends on Monday cutting weight. On Monday! The weigh-in's not until Friday, but he was at Legends cutting weight already on Monday. So that motherfucker's

losing, like, he's probably losing 20 pounds and he's doing it over a course of, like, five days. He looked huge when he got into the cage. Such a giant, muscle-bound dude. You know, it's just these guys have a down-to-earth science how to dehydrate yourself and then come back. So that was, if Kampman had a time, that was his time, man. He could have won that fight.

Especially if he pushed away and just started firing on him in the third round. I mean, Kampman's a badass striker. His fucking striking is clean, man. If you look at that Paul Tiago fight, that's a beautiful representation of his skills. Because Paulo Thiago is like this really rough and tumble bad motherfucker. And he's got dynamite in his hands. Knocked out Josh Koscheck. And Martin Kampman just picks him apart, dude.

Picks him apart standing, using his jab and leg kicks and just angles. Like everything. I mean, Paulo just got like outclassed in the feet he's swinging these wild i mean if they hit you you're fucked he's swinging some sledgehammers but he ain't even getting close to hitting campman and i was like man campman skills are so much better than jake shields as a kickboxer i just don't know why he was trying to engage him in grappling. He came close a couple times. I was like, maybe he's going to prove me wrong. It looked like he locked up a couple of chokes almost. He almost got it.

But that motherfucker is so hard to tap. Jake Shields is so hard to tap. Mayhem almost got him. Mayhem had his back. Yes. And had it fully locked in. Mayhem almost got him. But Mayhem's big.

Mayhem's big as fuck. Mayhem is a big 185-er. And he's strong. And his jiu-jitsu is very, very underrated. I've had two guys that I rolled with that just ran right through me. Mayhem and Jake Shields, both of them. Both those guys where I felt like I was helpless. There was nothing I could do with them.

They're just too goddamn strong. Jake Shields is a badass wrestler. Just his grappling and his jiu-jitsu, his technique is awesome, and he's strong as shit. He knows what the fuck he's doing. And I'm like, Campman has a disadvantage there. I wonder why he's, like, engaging this dude. And if Jake wasn't, like, really beat down, I mean, the fact that Jake was beat down like that and he was still able to get takedowns, still able to reverse position and mount them and get in some dominant spots on them, shows you how badass his grappling is.

But Campman's kickboxing is like, if Jake Shields is like a purple belt, Campman's a fucking straight black belt in stand-up. His stand-up is crisp, man. He does everything good, everything perfect, the way he moves, his footwork. There's a big gap between him and Jake Shields. Jake Shields is like plod, punch, punch, kick. His body kick's pretty good on his left side. He throws good body kicks. He'll throw some good leg kicks too. But really, he's just trying to get the clinch and take your ass down. And if he's too tired to do that, like in that round, the third round with Kampman and Shields, I thought Kampman was going to move away.

I thought, why would he grapple with him in this round? This is the round where he could jack him. Kampman's one of those dudes, though, that he's just outside the very, very best. But you could see him launch into the like, with any one big performance. You know what I'm saying? Like, he's one of those guys, like, Carlos Condit. Like, Carlos Condit just leaped into one of the very best when he knocked out Dan Hardy. Unbelievable.

When he knocked out Dan Hardy, I was like, okay, this motherfucker. You know, like, everyone knew he was a badass. Everyone knew he had that real close fight with Campman, which was a fucking incredible war. And then the real close fight with Jake Ellenberger, another fucking animal. Ellenberger's a beast.

So you knew that Carlos Conant was a bad motherfucker, but when he knocked out Dan Hardy, it was like, okay, this dude is, not only is he a bad motherfucker, but he's like getting better all the time.

He's like hitting new levels. He's trained with John Jones like every day. He's a bad motherfucker. Fuck yeah. That's another tape I didn't make because you know I would have done it with Eddie. Yeah you can't tell the truth. I couldn't have told the truth. I couldn't have said that.

Listen I love Dan Hardy. I think Dan Hardy's talented as shit. But Carlos Conduit I think showed me something. Was it Jake Allenburg when he was getting beat up for the first two rounds? Yes. And then Greg Jackson said shit to him. And he went in there and hit him with a fucking Anderson Silva type elbow from the inside. I was like, that kid's got balls. He's got mad balls.

He's got mad balls, Carlos Condor. I'm a huge Carlos Condor fan. I would hate to mix in an alley with that motherfucker. Yeah. Because he might turn the lights out on you permanently. He's the type of guy that might turn them out on you permanently. He's a bad motherfucker. Something about him scares the shit out of me.

He's getting better. Yes, he is. He's getting better. Well, he's down in one you permanently. He's a bad motherfucker. Something about him scares the shit out of me. He's getting better. Yes, he is. He's getting better. Well, he's down in one of the best camps in the fucking world. Yeah, yeah. Those guys don't fuck around, man. And that Trevor Whitman, man, that guy is a very good striking coach. Yes, he is.

Because he's doing something. Sweet guy. Yeah. I want to give him a shout out. He's a fucking good guy, Trevor Whitman. Yeah, and he's a bad motherfucker. I know he works with him. And then also, fuck, what is his name?

Spencer Pratt. No, shut up, man. The fuck up. What the fuck are you talking about? Sorry, princess. I feel like an asshole for not remembering the guy's name. Which one? The guy who's the main guy at Jackson's.

That's the main striking trainer because he's a great guy. Trevor Whitman's the guy who's at Grudge. Grudge is in Denver, correct? Yeah. Right. I'm going to have to Google this real quick because I've got to give that guy his props because he's doing an awesome job, too.

I want to give a prop to my man, Holly Boz, whatever your name is, from Australia on Twitter, always sending me love and shit, looking out for all of us here, Red Band and Joe. Who's that?

Oh, that's... I didn't know what Joe was looking at there. I thought you put somebody else. Red Band, what's the matter with you? You look all fucking asleep here. What's going on? I'm just listening. I thought Jake Shields lost that last fight.

I thought Jake Shields lost it too. I thought for sure he lost that. I was pulling for Kampman with everything I had. I love Jake Shields, but Kampman is just this guy that he's right there. Do you remember hanging out with Mike Wigglejohn? Thank you. Sorry, Mike. I'm a douchebag.

I smoked too much weed. I forgot his name, but he's a great striking coach. He's, you know, what I was really impressed with with Carlos Condit in that fight with Dan Hardy was the technique that he threw that left hook with. If you look at both guys throw the punch at the exact same time, really, but Carlos was

perfect. Carlos was, instead of coming wide, he came with a perfect angle to the punch and it was perfect accuracy and his other hand was up you know he did it with perfect technique and he nailed him he caught him in the exchange and that's like a perfect lesson for people to learn i keep saying perfect but if you if that's one of the most important things is to concentrate on technique yeah you can knock guys out with crazy, wild, loopy shit. You can. You can knock guys out with haymakers where your fucking chin is down and your hands are up. If you connect, you can knock them out. But that's not the best way to do it.

The best way to do it is to use the proper technique because if you do that, you have more of a chance of knocking them out. If you have big power and you're fast, you can get away with some goofy shit like Roy Jones did when he was in his prime. But look what happened to Roy Jones once he started to slow down. When he didn't have that crazy athleticism, all of a sudden he couldn't pull off what he could, but Bernard Hopkins still can. Bernard Hopkins has perfect technique. If Bernard Hopkins had the athleticism of Roy Jones Jr., I mean, maybe that's why Bernard Hopkins is Bernard Hopkins.

It's like maybe, you know, like jujitsu guys, they always say the best jujitsu guys are the guys that aren't physically strong, because they can't pull off anything else unless they have perfect technique, you know, because it's all leverage and technique. I'm sorry. Or not strong. Really? Yeah, the most technical guys are the guys that aren't physically strong. The most technical guys, if you want to learn jiu-jitsu,

you always want to learn from a small guy because big guys have like kimuras and guillotines. They do a lot of like power jiu-jitsu. They'll do a lot of things that you can only get away with if you're really strong, whereas a small guy has no options other than use perfect leverage and perfect technique. You should learn. You're better off. You're a bad motherfucker.

When are you going to open up your little kung fu fucking school cocksucker? I don't want to teach anybody, man. I don't like teaching. I teach my daughter. Do you really? Sure. I know you were doing kickboxing a few years ago. I've taught friends and shit. The thing about

if you want to be a coach like a Winklejohn or like a Trevor Whitman, man, that's your life, dude. That's your life, yeah. You're dedicating yourself to these guys and to their progress.

And it's a very fascinating thing, but you've got to be willing to dedicate 100%. The reason why I quit teaching taekwondo is because I started doing stand-up comedy. And I realized that I was not going to be giving this 100% of my time anymore. And I had a bunch of guys that I was leading in tournaments. And even though I had stopped fighting Taekwondo tournaments and I was doing kickboxing,

I was still teaching at a Taekwondo school and I was still leading people in tournaments. And so I'd have these kids that I'd coached and I'd bring them to these beginner tournaments. And I was dedicating a lot of time to it. And I had a lot of people. I had like 10 guys that were really competitive and a girl who was really competitive and she was really good and I spent a lot of time with them like many many hours every week you know like at least three nights four nights a week at least two hours a night just dedicated to training with these kids and working with them and I knew that once I started doing comedy and I needed my I

couldn't be there at nighttime because I had to go to do a gig in connecticut or i couldn't be there i'd have somebody else teaching it for me i'm like they're not going to do it the way i do it and this is not going to be the same thing and this is not it's not fair and i don't want to half-ass it and i don't want to feel shitty about that the one thing that made me feel good about my life ever was martial arts so i was like i can't do this. I can't fuck this up because I have to quit. I can't like do a shit job at this. I can't do a shit job at teaching. Because to me, it was like one of the defining moments in my life that I wasn't a loser. Like when I was teaching Taekwondo at Boston University, I was like, I'm teaching at a university. I'm like an

expert at something and I'm teaching people that want to learn this. It's like one of the first times in my life I felt like I was worth something. So there's no way I could fuck this up. So I just quit. I just quit teaching. And that's how I feel right now. I get interested in strategy, and I get interested when I see guys fight

what I think is a very unintelligent fight, and they don't have the proper coaching, and they don't have someone who's really mapped out a game plan. A lot of these dudes are really good, and because they're really good, they know what they can do, and they know what they want to do, and they sort of plot out their own plan in a fight,

which is all well and good, but sometimes you need someone who's also really good, also has a really good knowledge of this, and is outside of it looking in. Because someone who's outside of it, like a Greg Jackson, who's looking in, one of the reasons why,

like Dave Camarillo and Bob Cook, they're outside, they see the whole thing, and they're very intelligent and they're very immersed in the game. Like Bob Cook and Dave Camarillo, they break down fighters. They spend time.

They go over tapes. They analyze shit. And when it comes down to a fight, they've got a very intelligent strategy. And if you listen to that strategy and you follow that game plan, you have a very good chance of winning. You know, there's going to be variations. Shit's going to happen. You're going to have to make adjustments.

But, of course, you do. That's part of the game. You know, there's going to be shit happens. Okay, you can't take him down. Listen, you've got to kick that motherfucker's legs. Okay, if you can't kick him down and he wants to stand up with you, he's open for that inside leg kick. And then you have to have, you know, here plan b okay now we're here okay you you think you

broke your foot okay stop throwing kicks this is what you're gonna do you're gonna you're gonna bait him you're gonna get him into exchange and fire off the left hook he's open for a left hook you know what i'm saying like they have this all thought out they have it thought out like but they have the diet thought out yeah every 14 every plan every time i mean it's amazing how there's so much more into this than what you would think. You think you're fucking Rocky. He's going to drink three eggs and run and go hit the bag. You have jiu-jitsu. You have your

strength and conditioning. It's amazing how you know what I noticed? And I don't know if you noticed. I'm going to start doing a column for Pro MMA. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Once a week or once a month. Right. Just writing something. And it's weird. He goes, what's your first column going to be about? And I noticed that the last two years,

every time I've gone to an MMA event with you, somebody else in the UFC division is losing weight or trying to get healthy. And this last time I went to Austin, you got Burt. Black Burt lost 50, 60 pounds. Our friend's mom lost a bunch of weight. She looks great now. And I seen another guy. And then we have our buddy, Deepa Squally, who we've both been beating up.

He's beat because of the sleep apnea. Sleep apnea, yeah. It's so weird how MMA affects some people. Like I was sick and tired of going to those fights. A really fat fuck when you see all those people in shape. And when I went to this last UFC, I even seen that they put two different tables out. Like they put tables with cookies and cakes. Then they had tables with healthy snacks.

It's so weird. These people, when you're around them, this is what MMA has done for me. I'm not a fighter, and I don't want to do jiu-jitsu or nothing, but being around those guys, you're like, fuck, I got to be healthy. Whenever I watch those UFC 24-7s, whatever they are. Yeah, I think it definitely inspires people. It inspires people Every time I go to a UFC event

Somebody else is on a diet Or somebody else is getting healthy Or somebody else is eating healthy And that's what I've seen from MMA It started with me, that ultimate fighter The year Tate was on it The kid that lost 100 something pounds from doing Jiu Jitsu He's not in the UFC no more

But he talked about it Even if I just final in this, at least people will lose weight and try this. I forget what his name was. He had like a mohawk and a kid and he really pushed love for the kid. He made it to the... Oh, Todd Hayes. Yeah! He lost like 130 pounds or something.

He's a bad motherfucker too. No, no, no, no. Not Todd Hayes. No, no, no. Isn't it Josh? Shit. Josh Hayes? I was going to talk to you about him. Josh Bring the Pain Hayes? What the fuck is his name? He had a kid. He had a mohawk with blonde hair on it.

And he really loved his wife. He seemed like a really sincere guy. Yeah. He lost a shitload of weight. A shitload of weight. It's amazing how every time I go to a UFC event now, somebody else is on a diet. Somebody's drinking water. Josh Haynes.

Josh Haynes. Josh Bring the Pain Haynes. Sorry, Josh. It's just amazing how it's rubbed off on some people. Yeah, he was on the same season as Tate. Yeah, on the T water. Josh Haynes. Josh Haynes. Josh, bring the Payne Haynes. Sorry, Josh. It's just amazing how it's rubbed off on some people. Yeah, he was on the same season as Tate. Yeah, on the Tate.

That's what I'm saying. He was on there with Tate. That's why it was weird. Every time I go, I see somebody and it's just inspiring to me. You know, I don't know. Yeah, man, I think

that's one of the things that I would be interested in doing outside of doing comedy, outside of all the stuff that I get fascinated by, pool and all that. That is one thing that I would get interested in doing, opening up a gym, training fighters, and just being sort of a Greg Jackson type of guy, having ideas and strategies and helping

people through. But that would have to be something I'm 100% dedicated. You can't fuck around with that and half-ass that, man. That's not something to half-ass. You're taking people who have a limited window in the sport. A fighter can fight from the time they're 18 until they're, you know, most guys 38, 48. 48 if you're Randy, 38 if you're a normal human. So that's it.

You've got 20 years. And during that time, if you're really into a bunch of wars, cut that time down substantially. Anytime you have a big war, anytime you have a crazy, if that's your style, you know, you want a Vandale Silva, like Vandale used to do in the early days, no matter what,

it's going to shorten your career a bit. You're not going to be 48 years old fighting like that. That's a different kind of style. Well, I remember one thing that you've always talked about that is very, you see it in fighters. Shut this fridge off.

This shit's loud. It's the gyms that have the gym wars. The camps where they have gym wars. You could see those guys that, yeah, they're a little seasoned and stuff, but they've been hitting the head a couple more times than regular guys.

Those gym wars are the ones that will really kill you. Yeah, you have to have guys that you're training with that you trust, and you have to be careful not to hurt each other. You know, guys hurt each other sometimes, you know to have guys that you're training with that you trust, and you have to be careful not to hurt each other. You know, guys hurt each other sometimes, you know, it's by accident or just because they're training hard. I mean, that's just a part of the game. But you've got to be careful with just gyms

where they just basically fight every week. Like every week you're fighting. Every week, two, three times a week, you guys are blasting each other. You know, you're fighting. You basically get in, and one good thing about it is you get used to fighting. You get used to getting tagged. You get used to being in there in the pocket. You're going to be a tough motherfucker to get in the cage with because this shit is going down in your life every day. You're used to it. You're used to full blast blows. But on the other side,

you can only do that for so long. If you do that and take big, big shots all the time on a regular basis, your career gets shortened substantially. Your brain is only set up to take a certain amount of abuse before there's just way too much damage. All the stuff they're finding out now about football players, when they're examining their brains after they die.

That special I told you about, the Luke Daly one. It was very amazing. Eddie told me about that, too. It was very intricate, that special. Fucking scary shit, man. I watched the other one where it was that football player. I believe he played for Harvard in college, and then after college he became a pro wrestler,

and he suffered a gang of concussions. And this is one of the reasons why I brought up the Brock Lesnar situation because those guys suffer a lot of concussions, a lot. They take a lot of hard shots. There's a video of Brock Lesnar, where Brock Lesnar is on top of the third rope, I don't know who he was wrestling against, but he was on top of the third rope, and he jumps up through the air, and does like a fucking three, a flip, but miscalculates, and lands on his head, dude, he's 300 pounds, okay? And he throws himself through the air, flips, and lands on his head. He should be dead.

He should be dead. You've got to see the video. Here's the video. If you watch the video, any normal person would be dead. Watch this shit. Watch this shit. We're watching on YouTube. Watch this. Dude,'re watching on YouTube. Watch this.

Dude! He landed on his head. He landed on his fucking head. He completely miscalculated the jump. Completely. And he landed on his head and still finished the pin. I'll retweet the link on my Twitter.

His brains... You want to talk scrambled eggs? His brains should be a to talk scrambled eggs? His brains should be a small half cup of oatmeal in the bottom of an empty bowl. They should be dead. It should have crushed his whole brain. I mean, for me,

if that was me or you and we did that, we'd be dead. But that guy's fine. That's why I said, like, if that happened during this one that we saw, how many times did he accidentally bang his head other times? I mean, they're there. These guys are gigantic dudes and they're throwing each other.

I mean, people don't realize the abuse that people's bodies take on pro wrestling. The reason why a lot of those guys get hooked on painkillers pro wrestling is one of the most difficult things to do in all of show business, even in all of sports, even though it's not really a sport. I mean, per se,

I mean, there's predetermined outcomes. It still requires an incredible amount of athletic business, even in all of sports. Even though it's not really a sport, I mean, per se, I mean, there's predetermined outcomes. It still requires an incredible amount of athleticism, an incredible amount of work. These guys are on the road like every night. They're on the road several nights a week performing shows, throwing each other through the air. They have to come up with new, more spectacular moves to satisfy people. That's why they're jumping off ropes. They're jumping off the top of the fucking cage and they're flipping and doing this and you grab my ankles and I'm going to throw you through the air and then you land on your back and then I jump

through my hair and I flip and I land on you. They fucking bonk heads and shit all the time. These guys are getting knocked the fuck out in practice. What do you do? Well, put some ice on it and see you tomorrow. Tomorrow you better get your fucking moves down if you want to keep your WWE contract. Didn't he also play football, too?

Yeah, yeah, he played. I think he tried out for the Vikings. Tried out for the Vikings. Listen to his numbers, because this is where it gets really crazy, okay? I mean, yeah, Brock is not, like, the best MMA fighter. He does not have the best striking technique. He does not have the best jiu-jitsu. But when you talk about just a freak athlete, his 40-yard sprint, 4.6 seconds,

225-pound bench press, he can do 43 reps. His vertical jump, 35 inches. His broad jump, 10 fucking feet. 10 feet. Do you imagine, this is at 300 pounds, 310 pounds. Do you imagine a fucking guy, 310 pounds, throwing himself 10 feet through the air? And he still couldn't stop that punch. Still couldn't stop Kane. So what the fuck? What are we talking about here? Well, it's just free casting. They can jump up and down and shit.

No, no, listen, man. Who gives a fuck? The ability to move your body. The guy hit him with a two by four and he goes down. I mean, that's the ability to move your body. You keep saying that in the broadcast about how good he moves. When all those fucking football players move like that. Yeah.

When you see an offensive fucking lineman. When you see an offensive lineman that's 6'6", 290. And they sweep. Super athletes. And these motherfuckers, they're all like that. Could you imagine if a Michael Vick wanted to get into MMA? Amazing. How bad he would fuck people up?

Amazing. Oh. If a guy like that, that level of athlete dedicated himself. I mean, there are guys like that. There's a few. There's a few that are in there now. But those super athletes, like a Michael Jordan, you know, if a Michael Jordan decided from the time he was a small child.

Well, he had to bet on himself to beat you. He'd have to bet on himself to beat you. He probably would, though. Michael Jordan would love that shit. He would fight. Listen. Because his wife could bet for him. He could go to Vegas and if he was fighting, he's like, put everything on me. He had a thousand people betting for him. That motherfucker, he would beat Liddell if he bet for him. He could go to Vegas. And if he was fighting, he was like, put everything on me. He had 1,000 people betting for him. That motherfucker, he would beat Liddell if he bet on himself. I bet he would.

He hit Liddell with a chair. Dude, he was such an athlete. A competitive motherfucker. Do you remember how he would, he was the first guy that would literally fly through the fucking air, slamming in dunks, where you would see it on the highlight reels on ESPN. You would see it on the news.els on like espn you would see it on the news and people just be standing there shaking their head going how the fuck can he do that he was flying with his tongue out flying through the air smashing that ball through there

i mean i didn't even follow basketball and all i saw was that dude doing these superhuman feats of athleticism if that guy decided you imagine that flying knee Jordan can hit you with? Jesus Christ! Can you imagine the flying double knee, like fucking Jose Aldo style that Michael Jordan could hit you with? If Michael Jordan dedicated his time to that

instead of basketball. God damn, he'd be a bad motherfucker. Those guys are coming, man. Those guys are coming. That's the next wave of MMA. The next wave of MMA is those super athletes. Phil Davis. Yeah. John Jones.

I mean, John Jones. Even Lesnar. Even Lesnar. Look, he doesn't know the game yet. He's relatively inexperienced. He's only had six fights, seven fights. That's not that many, man. That's not enough to be fighting.

What does he got? He fought the Korean gentleman in his UFC debut. Then he fought Frank Mir and got leg blocked. And then he fought Keith Haring and beat him on decision. Then he fought Randy and he beat Randy and got the title. And then he fought Frank Mir again. That's five. And then he fought, is it just six?

And then he fought six, seven. And that's seven. Eight. Really? I counted seven. Either way. Six, seven, and then seven. Eight. Eight. Really? I counted seven. Either way, it's relatively inexperienced and right away thrust into the deep end of the pool. The guy as an NCAA national champion had some serious technique.

There's no way you become a champion wrestler if you're just strong because those guys are just strong too. I mean, you have to have some serious technique. So he can learn. He just has to be brought up correctly some what he really really should have done with him it's hard with heavyweights though because there's not as many guys that are willing to fight a guy like that you know when you're coming up like who the fuck's gonna fight him in the king of the cage what's he gonna learn out of that you know what i mean he's gonna be tested somehow so there's like a weird middle ground like you got to get him in bellator you know what i'm saying you got to get him to fight guys that are just a hair under Strikeforce level.

Just a hair. Well, Strikeforce and UFC right now, they're pretty close with Alistar. Alistar and Fedor. And, you know, Verdum's capable of beating anybody if he gets him in the right position. And Josh Barnett, he's a dangerous motherfucker. There's some dangerous guys. Antonio Da Silva. They're not quite the same level as UFC.

But I think that like when a guy comes up that's got that much potential, like a Brock Lesnar, it's like you've got to make sure that you take the most advantage out of these physical gifts. You've got to bring them up the right way. Or just throw them in

like they did, man. But like they did, they made a ton of money. I mean, everybody made a ton of money, but I just feel like... But that money they're about to make now with the fucking Mexicans is off the chart, Jack. Yeah.

They just opened up that UFC Latino with the pay-per-view. This is... And they're already... When are they fighting? Super Bowl Sunday and New Year's?

They're putting fucking Dos Santos and this guy up quick, Jack. Are they really? Oh, yeah. This is either going to be Christmas or fucking... It'll either be New Year's

or it'll be Super Bowl weekend. Super Bowl for sure. Dude, if it's Super Bowl weekend, that shit is going to be crazy. It's Anderson, Vidor, it would be, yeah, just Junior and him. That shit is going to be crazy. That's King Kong versus Godzilla. Yeah, that's the guy. Dos Santos versus

Cain Velasquez might be, I might have a fucking heart attack I might not be able to get through the broadcast I might just shit my pants Before we even start I might just have uncontrollable diarrhea They're talking about it for Super Bowl Fuck

Dos Santos is coming off a big fight too That Roy Nelson fight Was a real good fight for him Because he got pushed and he had to work He had to work for three hard rounds because Roy Nelson is no joke, man. Roy Nelson is a powerful motherfucker and he can take it. And Dos Santos hit him with some bombs and he had to go three hard rounds with him. It was like a real grueling fight where Roy Nelson hit him with some shots too.

Nelson was always there and always dangerous. Who's the New Year's card, Doug? That's a good question. Against Redhead. Against Gray Maynard. Right, and who else? I don't know. I don't know exactly what's set up yet.

I think it's all tentative right now. I'm not sure. Carwin hurt his back for 25. He did? Yeah, he's out of his next fight. Really? Yeah. When did this happen?

All those heavyweights seen that fight and fell off their fucking chains. When did this happen? Yesterday. They all did. That's him. Frank Mir fell off his fucking chains. You sure Carwin pulled out? Yeah, When did this happen? All those heavyweights seen that fight and fell off their fucking chains. When did this happen? Yesterday. They all did. That's him. Frank Mir fell off his fucking chains. You sure Carwin pulled out? Yeah.

I thought Carwin was fighting right now. Carwin pulled out. Oh, no way. Carwin pulled out a 125. Oh, that sucks, man. He hurt his back. Who else? Somebody else pulled out.

A couple pullouts. Really? Yeah. A couple pullouts. Carwin pulls out a January co-main. I hate pulling. Wow. Having some back pain.

I had an MRI yesterday. Some damage that may require surgery. Oh, is that what it is? You're reading it? Yeah, it says, I have some damage that may really require surgery. Oh, no. Well, you know, he had some serious back problems wrestling. You know, when he was wrestling, he had some serious back problems.

And it's one of the reasons why he, I think, stopped playing football as well. Because I think he played football for a bit. Somebody else is hurt too from one of the cards. 24. Cro Cop interested in replacing

Carwin versus Nelson. Whoa. Cro Cop wants to step in and fight Roy Nelson. Roy Nelson might knock Cro Cop the fuck out.

Right out back to Croatia to pick the fucking blanket. Isn't that crazy that you would say that? That's crazy. That's crazy talk. You would say that but I's crazy. Isn't it crazy you would say that? That's crazy talk.

He might. Or Krokop might just come back with a fucking flurry. You never know when a guy's done. Because if you look at Alistair Overeem, a lot of people counted Alistair Overeem out. A lot of people said, man, this guy just keeps getting knocked out by people. Sergey Karatanov knocked him out. Chuck Liddell knocked him out. I think Shogun stopped him once.

He had all these fights where he was getting beat down. And I think a lot of people said, you know what? This guy's just done. And then he went up to heavyweight. And then he got all of a sudden dedicated. And then all of a sudden, he's the baddest motherfucker in K-1. He's the most dangerous guy that's fighting in Strikeforce. I think he's more dangerous than any of those other Strikeforce guys.

I know Fedor is a legend. I know Fedor is a bad motherfucker, and I'm a Fedor fan. But I think if Fedor stands with Alistair over him, I think it's night-night, soldier. I don't think you can hang in there with that guy. I don't think you realize the level of striking that guy's on right now. He's been training just straight K-1 for a long time now and competing and winning in high-level competition,

against high-level competition, against high-level competition, beating Peter Ertz and shit. So there's a gang of those dudes right now that are bad motherfuckers. What's up, Joe Rogan? Drop it on me and shit. Crow Cop could come back. He could come back. As long as he can still take punishment.

I mean, he got hit with a big knee from a big guy. But if he can still take punishment and he super dedicates himself, decides, fuck this, I'm coming back. I'm coming back with a big knee from a big guy. But if he can still take punishment and he super dedicates himself, decides, fuck this, I'm coming back. I'm coming back with a vengeance. Him against Roy Nelson could be fun. I'm sitting there the other day watching Tito against Matt Hamill, and I've always loved Matt Hamill.

I like his work ethic. I always pull for him. And I'm watching Tito or whatever, and I'm thinking about fucking John Jones picked this guy up and threw him around like a fucking rag doll. Like a rag doll. I was thinking about fucking John Jones picked this guy up and threw him around like a fucking... Like a ragdoll. Like a ragdoll. I was thinking about this this week. I'm looking at this going,

this is what's coming in. When John Jones handles dudes, it's like, you ever seen a strong bug, like a beetle, pick another bug up and just kind of toss it around? Bugs can do crazy shit to each other. Ants can just pick other ants up

like they're nothing and just toss them around. It doesn't look like they're even each other. Like, ants can just pick other ants up like they're nothing and just toss them around. It doesn't look like they're even straining. That's how it looks like when Jon Jones throws people around. Jon Jones did that to that kid. My heart stopped. Dude. He fucking stopped, man.

His lateral drop, when he gets those double overhooks on you, he hit, who did he hit with it? He hit... The guy with that... Stephen Bonner. Stephen Bonner. He hit Stephen Bonner with it. He hit Gusma with it.

Gusma was his first opponent in the UFC. Apparently, Tate Fletcher told me that he hit it on Keith Jardine in training. He said, dude, you can't even believe it when you see it. Keith is this big, strong, powerful dude, and Jon Jones just launches him through the air, flips him over his head. I mean, you know, a lateral drop is you're flipping a guy through the fucking air. Feet up, ankles flying, and he does that to Keith Jardine on a regular. He's just that strong.

He's just freak strong, freak technique, super smart, super humble dude. You know, that's the next level, man. That level of athleticism that comes with those guys, that's the next level. That's coming right now. Jon Jones is just like all those other super athletes in other sports, just like a Jordan. He's just one of these guys. He's just a bad motherfucker, bad motherfucker with his mind,

bad motherfucker with his body. But the super athletes also have a downfall to them. What? They also have a dark side to them. They don't have what you were talking about before, which is technique. They rely too much on the athleticism. Oh, Jon Jones has a perfect technique. Well, it draws as they're more involved in it.

And that's what happens to Michael Vick, for example. Did Jordan rely on technique? I don't know much about basketball. Was he a technique guy or was he just an athletic guy? He was very athletic, but he knew the game of basketball. He had to be. He was one of the greatest ever. But what I'm saying is when it comes to fighting,

sometimes people have very fast hand speed or they're good with their legs and they move good, but they just don't, their athleticism stops and you always lose the technique. Right. You know, like you'll never beat a GSP. Right. He's a great athlete, but the motherfucker got great technique. His technique's perfect.

It's perfect, you know. His guy, John Donaher, the guy who handles, he does a lot of the training of GSP and a lot of the strategy of GSP. And he was brought in to coach with GSP on this season, the Ultimate Fighter. You saw him. He's the Australian dude. Right. The short-haired guy.

Yeah, I'm sorry. New Zealand guy. He does Jiu-Jitsu 15 hours a day. He's like 43 years old, and Jiu-Jitsu is this guy's life. And he's a brilliant motherfucker. He lives on his mat, I heard. He sleeps on the mat when he takes naps and shit, because he teaches during the day. You know, when he's got no classes, he's just taking naps and shit.

I heard that his room is a fucking map. Oh, really? Where he sleeps. It might be. There's a lot of legend behind this guy. I heard that. He's one of these guys like us. As a comic sometimes, the best material you get is right about before you close your fucking eyes.

And you have a decision to make. Either you can get up and write the joke or you can get up and say to yourself i remember in the morning right and then you don't remember who gots in the morning right it's this motherfucker takes it to the next level he's in bed thinking of a move right he'll get up at four in the morning and get a dummy and start rolling with the fucking you know whatever just to see if leverage or whatever i heard he's one of those guys you know that they credit him with inventing the Darce choke. There's a choke that Joe Diarcy is famous for because Mayhem Miller got caught in it by Joe Diarcy, and they brought it back, and they started calling it the Darce choke.

I talked about it during the podcast. But apparently what I've been informed since I said this during the broadcast is that Donaher actually invented this choke, that he figured it out, and he's the one who showed it to Diarcy, and Diarcy showed it to Mayhem. So Donaher, invented this choke, that he figured it out, and he's the one who showed it to DRC, and DRC showed it to Mayhem. So Donaher, you know, he's a legend in fighting, a legend in, like, he doesn't fight himself because he's got a fucked-up knee, but he's a legend amongst jiu-jitsu circles

for being, like, one of the baddest motherfuckers to deal with. Well, his theories are exactly, they mirror my theories when it comes to MMA, and it's the theory that they espoused when coaching this show, The Ultimate Fighter. They're like, fuck all this trying to be the toughest guy, trying to run up hills the hardest and throw bags of sand around the hardest. No, what's most important is your technique.

The technique has to be the most important. And it's not mental toughness. It's not your ability to hold your breath underwater, holding onto rocks. It your technique. The technique has to be the most important. And it's not mental toughness. It's not your ability to hold your breath underwater, holding onto rocks. It's technique. Technique and training that technique at a furious pace and you'll develop... How do you learn how to fight, Joe? How do you learn? By fighting!

So what's the fucking tool you're running up a hill? That's something I never... It's great. Conditioning's great. There's something to strengthen conditioning to prevent injuries and to give you a certain amount of strength, a certain amount of power to utilize those techniques. But when you get past that, technique is the most important thing. Absolutely.

And these guys, you know, this Donahue guy talking to him just reinforces, in my eyes, the importance of a super dedicated coach. Like a guy like him. You know, a guy like him or a guy like Greg Jackson, especially Donner. I'm a big fan of his and Greg's. Those guys are huge for a fighter's career, you know, to find a wise guy who is in that

role. He's not, he can't compete. He's got, he was born with a fucked up knee. Like he literally, he can't like do strength and conditioning shit. He can't run. His knee's fucked up. He probably can't take kicks in it. So he's not going to be fighting.

But he's fascinated by it, and he's fascinated by it as a science, just like you would be fascinated by chess as a science. And that's how he breaks it down. It's not about toughness or ego or any silliness like that. It's all just about executing the perfect technique and strategy. Did you watch The Ultimate Fighter last week? Yes. They had a knucklehead on there, and he walks around, and he's tough.

But then the other guy, everybody says, avoid his fucking guillotine. Yep. Did you see what that knucklehead did? What did he do? He just dove in on it. Went into the fucking guillotine. Yeah, well, it's because the kid came wild at him, and he just forced him into his habits. Do you think that kid could beat the fuck out of me, that kid with the guillotine?

The kid's got a nasty guillotine. He's got a nasty guillotine. Well, he's got a weird way of holding it, too. Absolutely. He doesn't hold it like a normal guy does. He turns it so that the back of the palm is facing the face, and he pushes down on it, and it kind of closes off both sides of the neck quicker. I'm fucking around with it.

A lot of guys did that. Nate Diaz did that to... Who the fuck did he fight? God damn it. Irish hand grenade. Marcus Davis. Marcus Davis. He did that same technique God damn it. Irish hand grenade. Marcus Davis. He did that same technique to Marcus Davis.

He pushes his knuckles. He pushes like he grabs ahold of his hand and pushes his hand towards the neck and then that's how he closes it off. It's like that's the thing

about Jiu Jitsu, man. Guys are constantly coming up with new variations to techniques, constantly adding new ways to do it. There's like a bunch of different variations.

You can't learn it all, man. And that's like every guy has a different kind of style. Some guys always have the newest, craziest moves, and they have this giant encyclopedia of moves they can hit you with. And then there's other guys that only hit a certain amount of moves all the time. They go for arm triangles, chokes, armbar. They have three or four moves that they only go to. Off their back, they have armbar, triangle.

That's it. These are just the only moves they go to, but they're nasty at them you know like nogara nogara doesn't do like crazy wild stuff his jiu-jitsu is like old school hicks and gracie style jiu-jitsu it's like the real traditional jiu-jitsu but everything he does he does perfect you know what i'm saying like everything is perfect technically like i don't don't see Noguera doing, you know, any crazy, like, go-go plata, rubber guard sweep shit. Like, he's going to just tap you with triangles, tap you with arm bars. You know what I'm saying? Tap you with guillotines, get your back, choke you out.

All, like, the standard stuff. Like, Hadja Gracie, same thing. All the standard moves. They just hone them to a science, you know? So there's two schools of thought. Like, Hicks and Gracie is a perfect example. Widely recognized as the greatest jiu-jitsu guy ever. Everybody says that.

But Hicks and Gracie is traditional jiu-jitsu. That's what he hits you with. He doesn't hit you with some crazy moves you never saw before. He just goes through you perfect. He knows everything. He knows everything. But his jiu-jitsu is all very standard, old-school jiu-jitsu. He's just perfect at it.

Everything he does is perfect technique, perfect position. He's been there a billion times. It's a part of his DNA, and everybody says the same thing. You don't even know what the fuck jiu-jitsu is until you roll with Hickson. They say he just takes it to another level. He goes, it's just, you realize, like, there's levels to this game, and you think you know what the levels are

until you roll with a guy like Hickson, and you just realize, this motherfucker knows exactly what to do. Every time you move a certain way, he knows exactly how to respond and he does it effortlessly. And you feel like you're a child. You feel like you just learned how to do this and you're getting strangled.

Meanwhile, you've been putting in 10 years. You've been going to the gym three, four days a week for 10 years, sweating your ass off, doing fucking running hills, doing kettlebell drills. You're like, I'm a bad motherfucker. You're like, I'm 28 years old. I did a cycle at annavar where's hickson and you roll with them and you just rolled around like a little baby like a little baby you don't even know what the fuck's going on all technique they say you don't feel any of his strength you don't even feel his

strength you don't feel it it's just all of a sudden he's mounted on you and you can't shake him off you try to shake him off he counters that shake he's all of a sudden got an arm trapped and you're trying to fight that arm all of a sudden you, you're in a triangle. It's like it's just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And then you tapped. And you're like, I don't even feel like he got tired. He didn't even break a sweat. You're exhausted. You just fought for your fucking life against some ever-moving anaconda

that's figuring out some new way to cut off your blood. And then, boom, tap. And you have to tap. And then you're just humiliated. And you start back from scratch. Technique. Technique. Technique from scratch. Technique. Technique. Technique, brother. Technique.

Technique never ends, man. Shout out to the fucking sponsor there. Hit it. Fleshlight. Fleshlight. Fleshlight. Fleshlight. Check him out.

Like I said, you put ice cubes in there, and then you put a little bit of fucking cum in there, and then you put Alka-Seltzer in there, so when you're fucking it, you get the Alka-Seltzer on your helmet. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. And you get the ice cube effect from outside your helmet. You cum in it, and then you put OxyCell in there, so when you're fucking it, you get the OxyCell on your helmet. Wait a minute, wait a minute. And you get the Ice Cube effect from outside your helmet. You come in it, and then you fucking have somebody else. I don't fucking know. I don't have this in my house. I'm just trying to help people out here.

I have one for you. It's a blue one. No, I don't want no fucking pedal. You don't want it? I don't want no pedal. I'm not going to fuck nothing like that. I don't like porn. I just have ideas.

Do you still even beat off? How often do you beat off on a regular basis? Once a week. Once a week? Really? That's it? Why? Wow. Why don't you do off on a regular basis? Once a week. Once a week? That's it. Really? That's it? Why? Wow.

Why don't you do it more? For what? Brian wants to hear stories. Yeah. What did you do it to today? I'm not that big on the beat off. You're not big on it? No.

No? I feel fucking guilty at times. Yeah. It's always a sad feeling. It's very sad when you beat off, though. It's like going to a strip club and making them believe the strip is going to meet you at Denny's afterward. That ain't never going to happen.

That ain't never going to fucking happen. You always get that one idiot, dog, let's go to Denny's. She says she's going to meet me. Fucking nobody's going to meet you. What's up, Red Band? That's the game, son. That's the game, baby. Have you ever dated a girl that her phone has emergency porn videos just in case she doesn't have internet and she has to masturbate?

No, dog. That's disgusting. For real? Yeah, Esther does that. Do you think she wants the world to know this? Oh, I don't know. Probably not. Yeah, that seems like you just ratted her out, bro. What's the matter with you?

Wow. Some chicks get crazy with the porn, though. Oh, they love it. There's other girls that are offended by porn. Some chicks get offended. Some chicks get crazy with it. It's a weird thing, huh? It's a weird thing. Some girls think you need it.

Like, oh, you need it to keep a relationship. There was a girl that I dated in high school. And then I ran into her many, many years later. And somehow or another, she got on the subject of getting bored while she's married. She was a whore. She probably wanted to fuck. And she got on the subject of watching porn when you're married. And I'm like, you guys watch porn together? She's like, oh, yeah.

I mean, after a while, you get just so tired of each other. You just want to watch something else. It sounded so gross. And they wonder why the fucking husband's fucking some tattooed pig. That's why. Fucking filthy fucking animals that they are. Old school, ladies and gentlemen. Old fucking school.

Joey Diaz. That's old school. I don't got time for this new shit. That was a strong two-hour sprint, Joey. You fucking threw it down today. Did I? Yeah, you did. There were some classic moments.

What did I say today? Well, you said everything. Ten minutes of shit. You said there were some classic goddamn moments. It was one of my favorite podcasts. Really? Yeah, today. Why are you blowing smoke up my ass to the face? You threw it out.

Every time I come up, he puts the security cameras on and shit. You made me laugh my fucking ass off. Fucking guy. That was a good one. Anyway, I love doing it with you guys. It's a lot of fun, always. What would happen? What'd you do?

Nothing. I was just getting the ending song ready. There's no way you can't not do that. How do people get a hold of your podcast? They know how to fucking get a hold of me. No, they don't. Beauty and the Beast podcast. We dropped it this morning.

Beauty and the Beast podcast. It's on iTunes. Go to beautyandthebeast.com and download it there. Or download it on iTunes. You guys own beautyandthebeast.com? How the fuck did you get that? I don't fucking know. Beauty and the Beast.

Oh, D-A. D-A. Well, you just confused the shit out of a bunch of people. Disney and shit. I don't know what you're saying. I'm going to get home. Mickey's going to be in my house serving me. Hey, have you ever wondered about that?

Like, what if you become famous? You might not be able to keep that name. Like, Disney might fuck with you guys. Beauty and Dobby. Yeah, they might fuck with you guys. We'll burn that bridge when we get to it. Who gives a fuck? Why not just have the Joey Diaz and Felicia podcast?

Because you guys are awesome. How about Booty and the Beast? Shut up, Brian. I don't know. Why not just have you guys, your names? Wouldn't it be better beneficial to you guys if your name was on the podcast? Who the fuck knows? Joey Diaz and Felicia Michaels.

Why confuse people? Just go to Beauty and the Beast. Who gives a fuck? They do give a fuck. People love you, man. People love you. They want to find you. Beautyandthebeast.com. They want other people to be able to find you online. I'm on MySpace big like a motherfucker.

Your tags are off. Your tags are off. Nobody understands where you are. What do you mean by tags? Mad Flavor. You need to get Mad Flavor on Twitter. Mad Flavor at Twitter. Mad Flavor at Twitter.

What's my Mad Flavor at whatever? What is your Facebook? Joey Cocodias at Facebook. Yeah, someone couldn't find you. The vaporizer dude couldn't find you. Yeah, the vaporizer dude. He's looking for you. I don't understand how he couldn't find me.

I think he sent you a MySpace message, though, reluctantly. Yeah, he did. He did. He jumped into the waters of MySpace. How could you find his message inside of a spam? I like the vaporizer. I like the vaporizer. I just thought the well was a little too small.

You know, I smoke 50 fucking bongos a second. Jesus Christ. Vaporized weed is something so different to me. I can't smoke a lot of it. Every time I do too many vaporizer hits, I'm not comfortable. I don't like it. What happens to you? It's too fucking spacey. Good. I'm going to go home and get fucking high tonight. I'm going to smoke that whole

battery and have vaporizer. I can't keep up with the thoughts. It's like they're coming too fast. It's like I need them. No, no, no. I like them around mid-level, mid-stream, so that I can still think. Mid-stream. When I get super, super, super high, sometimes it's like it takes me an hour before I can still think. Midstream. When I get super, super, super high, sometimes it's like it takes me an hour before I can enjoy it.

Because for the first hour, I'm just like, whoa. It's just moving along too fast. It's like there's a river of fish swimming by me, and they're all little, and I'm trying to grab handfuls of them. I can't get one of them. I got the super silver.

They're all flying by. I'm going to vaporize that motherfucker to death. And don't forget, people, we're going to be at the Austin Cap City next week, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, the 4th through the 6th. We're going to be ripping it the fuck up. That's not next week, though, right? No. Yes, it is.

No, it's two weeks. Yes, it is. It's fucking Halloween this Sunday, gentlemen. All Saints Day is Monday. We're going to fucking Austin next Wednesday at 6 o'clock, motherfuckers. We'll be at 11. It's Halloween next Sunday. Next Sunday, bro. Yeah, that's what I said to you. Oh, okay. So we'll go in the following week,

which is next week, isn't it? Next week is Austin. That's what the fuck I'm saying. Oh, yeah, you're right. It is next week. We'll go in Austin next motherfucking week, so get it together. Five fun-filled shows. There's a couple tickets left. Jump on that bitch right now. That's right. Don't forget the Fleshlight. Don't forget. That's right. Don't forget the flashlight. Don't forget

Beauty and the Beast. Don't forget I'm writing for ProMMA.com with my man Jack. You know what you need to do? Fuck all this writing. They just need to get a camera and turn it on you and have you talk. And put it on as a video blog. What's up with this writing nonsense? I love writing. Don't worry about it. Well, I know you love writing.

You can do that if you like, but if they really want to get the most out of you, what the fuck, cocksucker? All you got to do is roll that number. Roll that number, cocksucker. Don't worry about changing names. What are you, fucking Border Wars? Roll that number, bitch. I love your name.

I don't want you to change your name. You know I love you, right, Red Band? How did you become Planet Rock? I don't know who gave me Planet Rock. I thought you came up with it. No, I'm Matt Flavor from Biggie Gaming. Matt Flavor, you definitely came up with it. Biggie Gaming, Matt Flavor, 95.

And then also Joey Karate. That's right. Joey Karate, I gave myself before Tommy Karate came up with that motherfucker. Who's Tommy Karate? Tommy Patera, the fucking guy who was in the Witness Relocation plant. Fuck him. What? Again.

What are you talking about? My cry over spilled milk. Some guy, Tommy Patera. Look him up. He wrote a book, and he's Tommy Karate. What are you talking about? My cry over spilt milk. Some guy, Tommy Patera, look him up. He wrote a book and he's Tommy Karate. What is this, Brian? This is Mika versus Red One. Is it good? I don't know. I just thought

I'd play something I don't know. Remember? You're just going to take a chance? Yeah, I'm taking a chance. Why would you do that? Because that's how Brian knows. It's gay as fuck, bro. It's so gay. I ruined that. Kill it and let's wrap it up with that Diane Ward song again. It's not connecting to your internet right now.

You have it already. I love you guys. Thank you very much for watching the podcast. It's not connecting to the internet. This is one of the best podcasts I do. I love these fucking guys, especially Red Band and Rogan. I'll be right out there, princess. We enjoy the fuck out of doing it. Thank you, everybody, for tuning in.

We appreciate it very much. And Joey and I, again, we'll see you next week in Austin, Texas. We're there for three nights, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Ripping it up, bitches. What is this, Brian? This is MC Chris. Oh, you fucking homo. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Is this like caviar?

It's an acquired taste? Yes I like it That's not bad. You like it? Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. I got what you want. I got what you need. I got those whizzy beats. So fizzy. You say whizzer please. I'm someone with a spell. Cause pages are prohibited. Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen.

We will see you probably Thursday. It looks like we're going to do another one on Thursday. We've been doing mostly two a week. And I appreciate the fuck out of every time I come to the shows. And all the people that come up to me and tell me that they really like the podcast. Well, that's why we're doing it. We're doing it for you guys. It really means the world to us.

We enjoy the fuck out of doing it, and we're going to keep doing it. Thank you very much, and we'll see you soon. Thank you. Bye-bye. Big kiss. Love you, bitches. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Like this beating, how it bounces, don't smoke trees, we smoke tree houses, break them bushes,