The Joe Rogan Experience - #510 - Tony Hinchcliffe

Episode Date: June 10, 2014

Tony Hinchcliffe is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor. Tony also hosts his own podcasts called "Kill Tony" with Brian Redban, and it's available at http://Deathsquad.tv and on Spotify under "Deathsquad".

Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night. All day. Good googly moogly, Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah. Good googly moogly, fresh back from Indiana. Letting those middle America people know what the fuck is up. Middle America is a lot like Middle Earth in some ways.

You know? You know Middle Earth, like where the hobbits lived, the good folk? Yeah. Wasn't Middle Earth like the cool people? That like where the hobbits lived the good folk wasn't middle earth like the the cool people that's where the uh the hobbits were i don't know about that but i do know that indianapolis i learned something this weekend about indianapolis and that's that it's like the south of the midwest you know you have very southern a lot of ways yeah but it's amazing though because it's pretty much straight west of Columbus. But they're like, and they were laughing about it, so I'm not insulting them,

but they're a lot more like, uh-huh, uh-huh, than the cities around them. Like, you just go a few miles down the road, and all of a sudden, it's all about racing, and it's all about guns, and a lot of camo shorts I saw, because it's starting to be summer there. Yeah, there's a lot of country music lovers there. It's like Kentucky. You'd never think that Kentucky is right next to Cincinnati. Yeah.

You think of Cincinnati, you think of Cincinnati WKRP. Remember that show with Lonnie Anderson? You think of Cincinnati as like a city. Yeah. You think of Kentucky as, oh, man, what's going on down there? A lot of banjo picking and moonshine making, barbecue and woohoo! You don't think it's right next to Cincinnati. The Cincinnati airport's in Kentucky.

Oh, it is? Yeah, you land in Kentucky. They call it the Cincinnati airport because they're ashamed they're in Kentucky. That's so sad. And I'm like, Kentucky people, Kentucky's awesome. Louisville's awesome. Kentucky fried chicken. You guys are known for bourbon.

You guys make some great shit. Kentucky's where Corvettes are made. They make all their Corvettes in Kentucky. Jeremy Clarkson, the guy from Top Gear, was driving this Corvette, and he yelled out while I was driving it, well done, fat man from Kentucky. You have created a masterpiece i thought you're gonna say he's gonna yell out the n word or something no

he did that later he did that that poor bastard people have hubris man they think they can say things like that i read something cool about kentucky fried chicken since you brought it up i'm gonna say it it's uh the colonel like whoever the actual kfc guy was his protege or like the person who he trained underneath him his favorite guy coming up the ranks of like fast food uh helped him out a lot like chain made some major decisions was the guy that told him put the chicken in a bucket instead of a box this guy was dave thomas who then went on to make all the Wendy's. Whoa!

Powerful fast food conspiracy theory. No, it's not a conspiracy theory. It's a fact. This is like some shit that your friends told you when you were in high school. It turned out to be totally false, but you repeated it forever. Nabisco is owned by the same people who make missiles.

They're trying to kill you one way or another, bro. It's either with cupcakes or with missiles. Well, it is the same company that makes cigarettes. Nabisco is R.J. Reynolds and R.J.R. Nabisco. R.J.R. is R.J. Reynolds. Impossible. The people feeding you Twinkies would not hate you and want you dead. Is that Nabisco?

Were they Twinkies? Did Nabisco have Twinkies? No. Who had Twinkies? Hostess. Hostess. It's not the same? But it could be under the same. I'm so dumb. Nabisco owns a lot of stuff. It's painful. Nabisco is

known as being like, you know, if you think of snacks, right? You think of something that's yummy but not necessarily good for you. I picture vanilla wafers. Remember those? Yeah. What do they have that's real bullshit? necessarily good for you. I picture the Nilla wafers. Remember those? Yeah. What do they have that's like real bullshit? Nabisco. Nabisco.

They have some good chocolate chip cookies. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Nabisco has some good goddamn chocolate chip cookies. They got the Keebler elves on their side, I do believe. Check this out. Dave Thomas and Colonel Sanders, they both won first place.

They tied for who could best fry chicken. Wow, Dave Thomas' chicken. Why doesn't Dave Thomas just sell... I mean, he's dead now, but when he was alive, why didn't he sell chicken at Wendy's? He did. There was a test market. Well, they do sell chicken at Wendy's, but there was a test... But chicken sandwiches.

You can't get a bucket of chicken. There was a test market company that Wendy's started that I only think stayed in Columbus, or at least Ohio, called Sister's Chicken. I don't know if you think that was outside of Ohio. Yeah, I remember that. And they actually were way better than Kentucky Fried Chicken. They had these little chicken littles.

Chicken littles? Like a nugget? It was like White Castle's, but with chicken. Oh, shit. Just little baby chickens. Dave Thomas is like the Steve Jobs of fast food. Well, hey, he figured out a lot of shit with Wendy's. Yeah.

Like, he really did. Like, one of the things was that the food is never frozen. Like, if you get a steak or a hamburger patty steak, if you get a hamburger patty from any other place, it's usually frozen. And they just sort of, like, if you look at some of them, they don't even look like meat. Like, White Castle, it doesn't even look like meat.

Right. It's so confusing. You're looking at what a White Castle burger is. It's delicious, but you're like at what a White Castle burger is, it's delicious, but you're like, what the fuck am I eating? But if you look at Wendy's, they get their patties, their big thick patties, and they get them, and they don't ever freeze them.

They just throw them right onto the grill, which has got to be better. The less you can free shit, you've got to think, when you're eating things, you kind of taking in like live cultures like if you eat yogurt you take in live bacteria you know and when you eat like anything whether it's um whether it's um i mean any kind of foods sort of have like some sort of bacteria fungus on it just a slight amount and so when you're taking them in you're taking in like living things whenever you just totally freeze the fuck out of living things it's never good you know it just can't be good

there's something something's got to be missing there i don't i mean i'm no scientist but i think when you freeze it till it's like literally doesn't rot like it's just it's not supposed to happen that's supposed to be fucked you know. If you have crops and your crops freeze, you're supposed to be fucked. That's what it's supposed to be. It's not supposed to be freeze shit and you're eating frozen peas. What is even in those things?

That shit ain't a regular pea. That's got to cause something, right? When that stuff gets frozen on the surface of a thing. I would like to see a scientific analysis. Maybe I'm totally wrong, but from my bro woo-woo a thing. I would like to see a scientific analysis. Maybe I'm totally wrong, but from my woo-woo, bro-woo-woo factor, how I would describe it,

I would say you're losing the essence of the life form of the plant once you freeze it and kill it. Everything's dead. That's the reason why it's not rotting is all that bacteria that would normally break down anything that you leave out, and it starts to decay. That's all on the surface of that anyway

right i mean it just takes time to rot that's what it is thaws out you have some dead bacteria instead of live bacteria on the surface of your thing yeah that's got to be part of it i mean isn't that that is what like taking live cultures is all about like everybody wants to eat probiotic stuff like probiotic i have some probiotic sauerkraut man it was amazing what does probiotic stuff like probiotic i have some probiotic sauerkraut man it was amazing what does probiotic mean it means it's rotting like probiotic sauerkraut is it's like it's almost like carbonated you ever have that stuff it's like fermented oh i've had it yeah it's really good i love it it's delicious and super good for you it's like a lot of people don't know like raw sauerkraut is fucking really good for you oh yeah it's. It's got a live thing you're taking into your body. And that live culture is very good for fighting off diseases

and for balancing your stomach. There's a lot of people, they're connecting it with autism in a lot of ways because a lot of people with autism also have bowel issues and gut issues. And they think that it could possibly be connected to a wrong balance of bacteria in your body and imbalance which is fascinating man yeah sauerkraut's one of the few things that

is good for you and completely delicious at the same how crazy is that like it makes a hot dog 50 better oh yeah easily sausage you could put it oh jesus tony you're making it so sauerkraut's one of those foods where you can like smell it and picture it right in front of you Sausage. You could put it with anything. Oh, Jesus, Tony. You're making it so hot. Sauerkraut's one of those foods where you can smell it and picture it right in front of you. With a good brown, seedy mustard. Oh, Jesus. Whoever figured that out? All the other vegetables must be so jealous.

They don't get to be on hot dogs. You get pickles. It's like cucumbers and sauerkraut. Those are the happy ones. Lettuce and tomatoes kind of bullshit on my cheeseburger totally the fuck is that thing all those cool vegetables hate on the lettuce and tomatoes why should lettuce and tomato be allowed to be on a cheeseburger like let's pretend this is healthy so true lettuce is less than nothing yeah what's the difference

between a bratwurst and a sausage that's a good question maybe it's a name it must be the preparation right in ohio bratwurst were everywhere like there was restaurants that specialized in bratwurst here i'm always looking for a bratwurst and i can only find sausages or hot dogs there's got to be a place i know you can get them at the store i think bratwurst might be a little bit of a smokier flavor that's my guess going into it i have no idea let's talk sausage well we're talking it's a real sausage we're talking ravens and sausages okay the same difference is this between uh a square and a rectangle what you've just broke a bratwurst a bratwurst okay this is the weirdest example ever the guy said a square is a rectangle, but a rectangle is not a square.

Oh, I see. So is a bratwurst a sausage, but any sausage is not a bratwurst. Bratwurst are pork sausage with a medium grind spiced mainly with pepper. Sausage is any ground meat in casing. So it seems like it's a sausage. It's just a different type of sausage. That's all it is. I mean, it's a pork sausage.

You can call it a bratwurst all you want. That's a creepy word, too. It's German. What is that? Yeah. German. Bratwurst. Bring that bratwurst over here.

What do you think caused certain parts of the world to develop that sound? Like that... Like when you get like weird sounds bratwurst yeah weird fucking language sounds those sounds of people in that region made like what got them to do that you know what's crazy is like that's they think the opposite of us like oh i'm an american i enunciate my you know what i mean like that's what's crazy is we look at them like they're weird and they look imagine how weird we sound like if you think of what's crazy is we look at them like they're weird. And they look, imagine how weird we sound. Like, if you think of what they sound like and what we sound like, their perspective must be like, it must sound like we're like singing things because it's so pure.

Well, we're a fascinating example for the rest of the world. Because if you look at all the other English languages in the world, they all are pretty similar. Australian and New Zealand, I mean, they've got a good day. You know, they got a little bit of a difference, but it still sounds like an English accent. It's like an altered English accent. Whereas we got over here and went, nah, not so much. No, we're going to say it our way, fuckface.

And we're going to make more bombs, and we're going to make it how everybody talks. Your way's weird now. Yeah, you're going to have to learn our way. Yeah, the English language is quite weird. You're somewhere, and you're talking to a man, and he's still talking to you like this. You're like, sir, I'm having a hard time understanding you right now. That's not English.

This is English, fucker. Yeah. Hear that? Nice and clean. No fucking word slurring into the next word, like word soup. You're on a goddamn word food train. We're perfect over here in America. We know how to rock it.

We fucking took your language and mince-ed it. We made it better. We mince-ed your language, bitch. Who's our shooter of the day? I haven't heard yet today. I don't know. I hope they catch him. Fucker, man.

It's getting ugly, dude. That North Hollywood shit was crazy. So that dude, the North Hollywood thing, for folks who don't know, there was a man on a roof. And I saw it from Eliza Schlesinger's Twitter. Eliza Schlesinger was torturing her ex-boyfriend on Twitter. She dated a guy, Schlesinger, that made up a complete, total history. He said his mom was dying. His mom was fine.

There's nothing wrong with his mom. He said he went to Yale. He never went to Yale. He said he was starting up all these businesses. The guy was like $100,000 in debt. He was living with roommates. He totally fabricated this super successful... Eliza Schlesinger got Sarah Tiana'd?

She got Sarah Tiana'd. Whoa! She got Sarah Tiana'd? She got Sarah Tiana'd. Whoa! She got Sarah Tiana'd hardcore, but she was going off on her Twitter. And then I saw something about shoot the guy on the roof, and I'm like, what guy on the roof? She was saying, kill that fucking guy.

She's so crazy. So then I went, and then I started looking up stories. What exactly is the full... Well, what pretty much happened is it started off as a police chase and then it went on like it was one of those ones that just went on every single

highway. And the guy finally got out in North Hollywood and he just got out of his car and when he was driving, he was holding out a big rifle. An automated rifle just like hanging out the window. And so he pulls his car over in North Hollywood, and he gets out of his car, and he pulls out

this huge gun, and he just starts walking down North Hollywood with this gun. And then he gets on top of a roof of a house. And then at that time, that's when I tuned in, because I saw Eliza's tweet also. And then I thought he was just going to shoot himself, but for about 20 minutes he was on top of a roof with a gun. And then he comes down off the roof and he breaks into this house. Luckily there was nobody home. And he just sat in the house for about four hours. That's when the real life just completely became boring.

The news for like three hours or however long it was was just repeating the same thing over and over again for three hours. Finally, they got the SWAT team all around the house, and they shot in a bunch of containers of smoke or whatever. Tear gas, usually. And the guy just walks out. But what was the coolest thing is that the two police dogs just came running up to him, sniffed his leg,

and then sat down right next to him, just like, hey, we're waiting for a whistle before we just chew your dick apart. And the guy just surrendered. So it was a really crazy beginning part of the movie, or thing, and then it just sucked at the end. Well, it seems like four hours. You know, the problem with, we have a short attention span.

We want all these live altercations to go down Well, it seems like four hours. You know, the problem with it, we have a short attention span. We want all these live altercations to go down as if they're a 90-minute movie that we can pay attention to. Yeah, but I mean, just yesterday, there was somebody in Vegas. I don't know if you saw the Walmart incident that happened the day before in Vegas. Do you think this is copycat shit? I think something's going on, man. I was talking about it four days ago, like how we've been having a shooter every day. There was that guy in Canada that I don't even know if they ever caught in Canada. The guy that just had like three guns and he was going through neighborhoods shooting cops and stuff.

Yeah, he was shooting those guys who look like Bullwinkle's buddy. Yeah. They dress like Bullwinkle's pal. The Canadian Royal Mounties. Yeah. It's a horrible story. He shot like three of them up there. And I met someone who knew that guy.

I can't remember the exact thing, but they weren't surprised. It seems like it is kind of like a weird copycat thing now because, I mean, we've been having it ever since the Santa Barbara douchebag. Well, there's a lot of people out there that are probably on the edge. And it just takes one thing like that to push them. Yeah, the school things with these, you know, like I saw part of that kid's video where he's like, oh, I'm going to get them all.

And it's like, he was talking, like he was doing something much bigger than shooting a few people. He was saying things like oh you're all going to you know i'm going to show america or the world like he's talking on such a grand scale and uh i think that they really think that it's even bigger than it is and that they're like a hero or something like they're going to be remembered for that well they know that that's the thing that people are most afraid of so you can cause that thing to happen you become famous i mean it's that simple and they they equate in

their head being famous in that way is having an impact and you know obviously the guy had a huge impact with all the people's families that he killed that guy just drove around killed his three roommates what was fascinating was that that became um this like uh woman's rights became um this like uh woman's rights sort of uh hashtag yes all women you know or uh i wouldn't say i wouldn't say woman rights like awareness awareness of uh violence that women face and i gotta admit it makes you think about it in a different way that that hashtag is a great hashtag yes all women because not all men have to worry about the things that women have to worry about. Like, you don't have to worry

about being raped by chicks. You don't have to worry about, you know, like, women beating you up or women stealing things from you or women trying to rape you. You don't have to worry about it. But women have to worry

about it for men. Like, it's a whole different world they live in. You know, it's hard to think about when you live in your world. You know, your world's pretty easy. You're a super twink. Right.

Well, yeah, I was going to say, I'm about 130 pounds, so I'm pretty sure I can be raped at any given point. I know a little. The hashtag should be yes all women and Tony Hinchcliffe. I know what it's like to be a woman. Do you remember when someone said that from the Who, Pete Townsend said that? So he knows what it's like to be a woman.

Because he's been a woman. Really? Yeah, it was some crazy claim or some crazy statement about having had bisexual experiences. Pete Townsend's one of those guys. If you do a little research, he has some crazy stuff about him, but he can get away with anything because he's the lead guitarist from The Who

and he does that windmill thing. And, you know, when you're that cool, you could be crazy. But he has, like, some crazy history. He got investigated for child pornography. Yeah. And he said that he was doing it for some sort of a research project or something like that. He was researching child pornography.

So in doing so, he's searching for it. Yeah, I don't remember what the project was that he was involved with, that he was saying he was involved with, but that's kind of fucked. There's one woman that could beat up, you were talking about, there's no, like, guys can't get raped by women and stuff like that. Did you see that woman that beat up that little 17

year old kid and he filmed the whole thing on the Connecticut beach? There's chicks like that out there. He filmed it while she was beating him up? Yeah, there's this woman in Connecticut, he was flying with those little toy drones on the beach, and it has little cameras in it. And she thought, a crazy woman, like, oh, he's recording us

like it's illegal or something to do that. And she started, like, calling the police, and he started filming it on his iPhone, what she was doing. And right when she got off the phone with the police, she's like, you better get here! I got him right now! He gets off the phone and just starts beating this kid up. And he's filming the whole thing like that. After I saw this video,

I actually had to go in the other room and just sit down because my heart was racing so hard I just wanted to kill somebody after watching. Would you like to look at it? It's really... Look at you.

You're fucking flabbergasted. I'm mad about it. This woman... I want to find this woman. I want to find this woman. This is going to drive you crazy. Okay, let's see it. Okay. I love this. This is going to drive you crazy. Okay, let's see it. Okay, check this out.

I love this. This is making me mad. You had to go sit in another room? Just breathe, because your heart was beating. You're going to be okay, buddy. Just breathe. Stop. Injury of mirrors 23 did not appreciate this man flying his drone on the beach.

Stop. She was under the impression she had an exception of privacy on a public beach. This guy is taking pictures and trying to upload them from a camera. Can you guys get here? At Hammonasset at Middle Beach. I'm not realizing there's video recording her. He's taking pictures of people on the beach with a helicopter plane. Wow.

Yeah, can you guys hurry? The video kept him from getting arrested because she said that he had assaulted her. I already talked to them. Just come. They released him? The video kept him from getting arrested because she said that he had assaulted her. I already talked to him. Just come. They released him after they showed the video from the iPhone. Yeah, stop, stop, stop, stop. I'm at Middle Beach. It gets so fucked up.

Get some people here. Well, right now, all you're seeing is this kid holding on to his equipment. The woman is confronting him. He's trying to put his equipment away. You're assaulting me, you asswipe! Whoa. She's like really... It's hard to see what's happening here. You'll go see.

Yeah, I think this is fake. No, it's not. The woman was arrested. This is on the news. What is this guy doing? That's a weird half guard variation. What? You want to take pictures? Look at that.

Her hands are ripping in Thera's mouth. Yeah, she's putting her hands in his mouth. And he's filming it the entire time like as a selfie. Smart. It's hilarious actually. See how it feels when you eat some. Oh my god, this girl's crazy She's got a terrible half guard. Now what told me?

If you weren't assaulting me I wouldn't be touching you. Well maybe you shouldn't be taking pictures of people! Well maybe you shouldn't be taking pictures of people! Just... Do you want to stop assaulting me? Get off of me! I'm gonna beat your ass you little motherfucker! Can someone call the cops!

I'm being beat your ass you little mother fucker! Can someone call the cops? I need a snuff in! Help! Wow. He's just totally playing her. He's not really scared. He's just happy that he's filming all this. Yeah. Please get off of me. Wow.

That video makes me crazy. It says photography is not a crime. Yeah. It's amazing that he got that. Why does that make you so mad? To me, it's funny. Because I've been in situations with psych... Yeah.

What's funny is he wasn't in danger. He was doing this the whole time. He wasn't, like... He was, like, making sure he filmed this girl beating the shit out of him. Right. Like, he didn't even, like, stop her or defend himself. He wasn't scared. I've been in domestic violence things before, though, and that shit where she could have just said, yeah, he attacked me and stuff like that.

She did, right. She did say that. I could see why. I know, that whole situation drives me nuts. Right. The fact where it makes me want to have a GoPro on the recording all day Yeah, no, yeah Brian's upload and all day be like chicks punching holding him down the parking lot

And he just wasn't telling us about these He was just keeping all these for us because he was talking about it on the show it's like you know every day another one i'm gonna bring it up no fucker they're gonna make fun of me all day is just chicks beating his ass yeah i don't know man i mean she's obviously an asshole but he was like letting her get away with it on purpose it is amazing though it is amazing five ten years ago that same thing happens that 17 year old who was just flying his plane on a beach ends up going to jail because if a woman does say this guy assaulted me yeah and the cops come there and they see his shirt half ripped as

if she was in a defensive position you know what i mean absolutely it's amazing yeah there's no doubt there's no doubt well she said that she that he was assaulted or that he assaulted her rather they showed the video and that's what got him off so i think that she's obviously a crazy person and would lie but i think that's normal for people that beat your ass like people that beat your ass like that like physically beat your ass they're fucking crazy they're crazy of course they're gonna lie they're not telling the truth they're fucked up oh yeah they're a to lie. They're not telling the truth. They're fucked up. They're a mess. That's got to be the hardest thing about being a cop.

You're showing up and two people are beating the fuck out of each other. You've got to figure out who did what. And you've always got to side with the woman. You've just got to. OJ Simpson law is what they nicknamed it. And the reason why you've got to side with the woman is because let's reverse that scenario. If that guy had been beating that girl up, it wouldn't be funny at all. But it was funny to me watching that guy you're assaulting me

will you stop assaulting me while he's selfying himself come on right i think that's funny i would not think it's funny if it was a man doing it to a woman because i would worry the woman's going to really get hurt i wasn't worried about him getting hurt there right i mean she wasn't even strong enough to hurt him you never know man he was only 17 I was a grown adult selfie himself no I think that kid is smart that he didn't fight back he's very smart that all he did was defend himself very smart he's a smart kid obviously you can't just go around doing that like yeah you probably shouldn't fucking fly your drone into people's houses and film them you

shouldn't hover over their backyard where they're trying to suntan and film them i don't know what he was doing there's a it's a weird thing this this idea that you could put a camera on top of a little like robot and fly it around because when we were filming that sci-fi show we had some dudes that were really good at it they had like these high-tech drones and we were fucking around with them and putting on these goggles, and the virtual reality goggles, you put them on, and you feel like you're flying like this drone.

You're going over the treetops, and I was like, this is going to get real weird, because this isn't super expensive stuff. Like you're looking at this, this is like, I mean, a couple thousand bucks or something like that

to get a rig like this. I don't know how many thousand, I'm just guessing, but it didn't look to be like prohibitively expensive. It's not like something that costs 50 grand or something like that. I think you know how many thousand, I'm just guessing, but it didn't look to be prohibitively expensive. It's not like something that costs 50 grand or something like that. I think you could get it for the price of some toys that people save up and buy.

There's a lot of people that could have a fucking flying robot that films everything. No, they have it at Fry's for like 30 bucks. 30 bucks? Yeah, for really cheap. You know technology's crazy when that's in the eye on the checkout area On your way out

They'll grab a drone I don't think it's the same level Of sophistication that these guys have These guys had, like I said Virtual reality Cameras attached to them And they're pretty sophisticated But they have a real problem

With how long they can stay up in the air They can't stay up in the air very long They just can't do it They just run out of gas And they fall You can load them up with batteries, but then that battery's weight and it makes it harder for them to fly.

They need to work around that. I think they can only stay up for like 30 minutes or something like that. Maybe there's some that could do it better, but when you're watching one fly over the treetops and you're wearing one of those goggles, it's a trip, dude. It's a freaky feeling. You're like, wow, this is nuts. is like what it's like

to be an eagle you know yeah they get that shit really really good it's gonna be nuts if they can develop some super clear like get some something that wraps around your head right like this like your entire field of vision out like this is all this you know the screen And then figure out some way to film something and not have it make any noise so you don't hear a... Somehow or another, they can make something that doesn't make noise. Yeah, these drones, there's a really cool music video,

or not music video, but just video of a guy doing a drone over Los Angeles, and he goes on top of the Capitol Records building. You get to see the roof and stuff like that. He goes over like the Hollywood Hills parties like that house that's above the Comedy Store and there's people having a party up there and he's just going right over people with beach balls look there's Jim Henson's uh studios he just flew over yeah see that's kind of weird that's kind of weird especially like say if you have like an ex-boyfriend or an ex-girlfriend they decide to fucking fly a drone around your house and film you while you're

Fucking the next person, you know Get mad at you you fucking piece of shit. You didn't even wait a month You've got that whore in your bed, I wasn't expecting you to be watching me with your drone Introduce me to the truth. You're a piece of shit. You're fucking deflecting. When I bought you that drone, I didn't think you were

going to be spying on me. I thought you'd trust me, like the arguments of the future. Do you think this has to be used by like perverts and paparazzis nowadays,

like just going up in hotels with little cameras and drones and stuff. Cause look at this, this is like HD. Look at this party. That's on top of this hotel. Look,

these people are just having a party on this hotel and it's drones flying over. People start noticing the drone and start throwing like beach balls at it and stuff. They made it in certain places where it's legal to shoot them in Colorado. Uh, there was a town in Colorado that passed some sort of a resolution that allowed you to shoot at drones. Wow.

That's so funny. Yeah. It's going to be like a video game. We're going to be like shooting drones every day. I know. Oh, here's a comedy story. Look, going above the comedy story. They've been there.

Yeah, on top of the... This Colorado town, apparently they're just considering it they haven't done it totally as of march 31st but it's deer trail colorado and uh there's 563 people in the town they're worried about drones you should be worried about getting up to 600 people your fucking town is tiny as shit your town isn't even a small theater. That's ridiculous. How do you guys have your own laws? That seems preposterous.

That a town that little, like you're driving through and the law changes, and then you go to the other side and the law's different. Get the fuck out of here. The law's different and you got 563 people. That's a cult, okay? That's a cult. You got a cult. You do not have a town, you fucking weirdos. They probably just made it legal for witches to even exist.

And they're like, all right, we'll allow witchcraft for now. But those drones are the devil. Robot witches. You can't have robot witches. Get those flying robot witches out of here on their flying robot broomstick. Well, there's these two towns in Colorado. One is Greeley, and one is right next to it. God, I can't remember the name of the one

next to it. Deer Valley or some shit. Whatever it is, the one next to it embraced weed. Like in a big way. Where they just got fucking dispensaries opening up everywhere and giant warehouses. And right next to it there's Greeley, Colorado. And they had this CNBC show. And it was hilarious

because they had this guy who was like the sheriff of Greeley who wouldn't allow it. And he was like, you know, there's been a lot of things associated with marijuana now. Like we're noticing long-term psychiatric issues that are happening. And you listen to this guy talking. He's like some old fucking cowboy. Right. Some crazy old cowboy who doesn't realize the war is over. Yeah. The fucking, the guy's like standing. fucking cowboy right some crazy old cowboy who doesn't realize the war is over yeah the fucking

the guys like standing well you know no no psych psychiatric issues you know what about booze you fuck what about cigarettes and the beatings you took in the boxing gym should all that be illegal you fucking crazy asshole look at these people they're having a blast right next door go over to that place go go check out what they're doing. They're fucking dancing in the street and hugging each other. Everybody's high as fuck. They're making millions. Yeah. They're making millions.

And you're like, well, you've been known of psychological issues due to marijuana. There's no psychological issues due to fucking playing cards. Okay? People are nuts. Yeah. We're not perfect. Right. The idea that weed is the one that's fucking sending these psychological issues people over the top.

How dare you? How dare you make that association? Especially since stress is such a huge factor. It has to be the number one cause of psychological issues. Stress. Not to mention physical. People don't really realize the reason why hearts give out is because of stress that's all the years of stress i mean yeah you get old but it's still stress stress on the heart and stress is stress so it's so funny that that's

a stance like marijuana causing psychological issues when well the problem tony hinchcliffe with your kind of thinking is we have data to back up our assertions. It shows a clear change in the human brain. We hear you, Greenlee. Areas of development. The area that accepts bullshit shrinks. Okay? We need that plump and fat. That area is not like foie gras.

We need it like a filled sponge. That's what we need. The area that allows bullshit. And the marijuana is shrinking. This area that allows you to tolerate bullshit. And I don't like it. I do not like it. We need people out there that can suck in our bullshit.

It's like a bullshit liver. That's what it is. You have a bullshit liver. You have a liver for booze. You also have a bullshit liver in your brain. And marijuana apparently makes that thing shrink. That's what I heard. Wow.

They try everything. they try everything to scare marijuana smokers why why is that they should just smoke weed and get their dick sucked they would change the way they feel about all this they'd be like i can't believe blowjobs feel so good it's from someone who loves you who tickles your balls when you come in their mouth hey while you're high, Jesus, Louisa's. They don't know about that? Do they know about that?

Because if they do, I would imagine if you're a girl. There's no way the Sheriff of Greenlee knows about that. If you're a girl, and you smoke a couple of hits of weed, and then get your pussy licked, that's got to feel so good. Could you imagine?

Like a shower feels good when you're high. Can you imagine how good it feels for a girl? Do you like your ass licked? Do I like ass like listen you and i are never gonna have this conversation right now it ends here it ends here with you i'm not opening those doors jesus what kind of a man asks another man this is like a fill-out form for a fucking gangbang video. Okay, now, do you like it in your ass leg? Because if yes, check the box to the right. That should never come up.

You should go from your cradle to the grave without anybody ever asking you, do you like it in your ass leg? Right. Or maybe that should be a fun thing about a funeral, is you have to write the answer, yes or no, like on a piece of paper, and then have it in your hand like when you're dead, like in the open casket, and everybody checks.

I secretly loved it. Did you check his note? Yeah, it was a yes with two exclamation points. He really liked it. See, the problem with the question like, do you like your ass licked, is that's not how anybody ever asks it if they're going to lick your ass.

They don't go, do you like to get your ass licked? They don't say that. They would say, do you want your ass licked, is that's not how anybody ever asks it if they're going to lick your ass. They don't go, do you like to get your ass licked? They don't say that. They would say, do you want me to lick your ass? You do, huh? They would have a lot of huhs in there, like, do you want me to lick your ass, huh? You do, huh? They're already affirming it because it's a risky thing to say. Like, do you want me to lick your ass, huh? Let me try it again, Jeff.

There's an affirmation in it. It's like you want that person to have an easy time saying yes. Huh? Huh? You have that question? Someone says, you want me to lick your ass? And you go, well, that would be cool. You fucking sick fuck! Fuck you! I tricked you! Asshole!

Right, the bedroom opens up. The camera crew comes in. You've been on the new show. Do you want your ass licked? And then it becomes like a big court case where they try to figure out what huh means when you add huh to it. And the lawyer tries to defend it. Clearly, if she used the word huh, she was trying to get a positive affirmation out of him. She was manipulating his emotional responses, the natural responses of a person.

He was doing it to be polite. He didn't really want his ass licked. Okay? He didn't want her to feel bad. She said huh already. He's like, yeah, okay. What? As it was happening, he was realizing he had made a mistake.

Yeah. You know? It'd be like joining an army that thinks they're going to go out and fight Bigfoot. Like you got all your fucking gear and you really go to the mountains like, we are the Sasquatch. And then you'd be like, oh, what have I done? done i can't believe i'm gonna go there's an army of people i've joined fuck i made a mistake shit yeah you can't pull out of it that's what it's gotta be like it's crazy poor guy greely colorado you poor bastard right next door i forget what the other city's name is that the same place that shoots down the drones or is it better no different place

but the the other place the name there those people were so high that i forgot their name that's how high they were like the mayor of the town was joking around about they had the mayor of the town in this interview start joking around about it. This town's always been like that. Like Greeley was a drive town back in the day. You couldn't get booze. We don't want no booze because what we see when we have booze is less attendance in the church.

That's a bunch of crazy people. That's what that is. A lot of hooting and hollering. The reason why they're afraid of booze and pot if they're that afraid of it is because they're afraid what they'll do if they have a drink or a smoke. They're afraid that that inner monster, whatever their fears and whatever crazy stuff's going on, that's of it is because they're afraid what they'll do if they have a drink or a smoke they're afraid that inner monster whatever their fears and whatever crazy stuff's going on

that's what that is well no no no tony hinchcliffe i'm worried about your inner monster because my inner monster is safe under the guidance of the lord see you're a heathen out there running around with your own ideas and i got children okay tony sheriff i have bad news for you you're going and praying to an imaginary creature once or twice a week. Hey, you fucking communist lesbian asshole. Listen, you can't say that. It's imaginary. You don't know, you son of a bitch.

I go to church. I feel the Holy Spirit inside me all the time. I move to tongues. You ever move to tongues, Tony Hinchcliffe? But then you're a priest. He drinks wine. I mean, Jesus turned water into wine, but you don't want anybody to drink. I am not a Catholic, sir.

I'm a Baptist. Baptist, we don't fuck around with wine. You can't have wine in the church. Is that true? They don't drink wine? I don't believe so. I think the wine is a Catholic thing. Let's find out.

This is a Google deck. Do Baptists use wine? Hmm. I know the Catholics love wine. They try any excuse. Like, hey, can we get the... Well, you know what's really funny? Mormons are not supposed to drink coffee.

Oof. But they can drink those energy drinks. I'm sorry, dude. A dude who was a Mormon would just pound those fucking giant monster energy drinks. And the dude would have panic attacks all the time. He was just jacked to the teeth all day. Just redlining it all day. What is this feeling that this gives me?

He has no idea because never having coffee can relate to it. He wouldn't drink the coffee, but yet he's pounding these trees. Is it an evil being? There is an evil being out there. And it's corrupting the souls of our mortal youth. Red Bull gives me wings

just like the angels of Mormon. Exactly, exactly. Of the Mormon religion. I drink a monster energy drink to be a monster against Satan's urges. I monstrously attack you, Satan.

There's nothing funnier than Mormonism. Oh, there is. You know that when they think that when you die you get your own planet. You know that, right? How do you know you don't, Tony Henscliff there is. You know that when, they think that when you die, you get your own planet. You know that, right? Um, how do you know you don't,

Tony Hinchcliffe? Okay. Why so judgmental, Tony Hinchcliffe? And that everybody lives on their own different planet and then like, we'd all,

well, yeah, it'd be dope, but that's how you know it's a made up story. It's only dope, it's only dope if we could visit each other. Like, it would suck if like you were on the moon

and I was on Mars, but I couldn't get to you. I'd be like, Tony, where are you? But I'm sure in this world, traveling is just so fast. Yeah, it's probably pretty quick. If you can get to a place where you have your own planet, I would assume you'd just be wherever you want whenever you want to be there. It's instantaneous. Right.

That'll happen. One day we'll figure that out. We'll figure out how to transport ourselves. I think if human beings live for another million years, if we live to an, I mean, we're supposedly like this close to like this, this frame that we're in right now, the homo sapien, the way we look, it's supposedly pretty similar to what a million years ago looked like. Like a million years ago, there was some ape-like man that kind of stood up, but fairly similar. And then maybe in this form, a few hundred thousand years, three or four hundred thousand years, there's a lot of guesswork involved in figuring it out.

But if we could keep going, another million, we would be hairless, for sure. We'd lose our hair. We would probably be really slight and very Tony Hinchcliffe-like, like a dancer's physique, an alien dancer. And our heads would grow. We would look like fucking aliens. And then when we hit that point, if we continue, if we don't blow each other up, if we continue and we don't get hit by an asteroid, we continue to improve our ability to do things, it'll be nuts. A million years from now, you probably will be able to

transport any or teleport anywhere you want anywhere in the world i'll one-up you i'll bet a hundred thousand years at this rate christ tony hinchcliffe at this rate that we're growing with technology i think we're even closer i would almost say ten thousand years away from if you think about ten thousand years, that sounds really dumb. But if, I mean, 10,000 years ago doesn't seem like that long ago, but that's a really long time. Oh, yeah. Like 10,000 years ago, we find these like stone buildings that they made and a bunch of really cool shit that they left behind. But not much else.

Yeah, 10,000 years ago, I don't even think people are on boats. They didn't even figure that out yet, right? No, they did. They're finding out that people figured out a lot of shit a lot earlier than we thought. In fact, 40,000 years ago, they were hunting, they were fishing for tuna in boats, which I'm pretty sure that was the number that they came up with, because they found these deep sea rigs, you know, where they use these long lines and these big hooks, and they were catching tuna, and they found tuna DNA, which is really crazy. Tuna are deep-water fish.

So these fuckers, let me find out what year it was. They figured out, let me see. Google there. Ancient people fish for tuna. Are you sitting on a yoga ball now? No. What is that chair? That's interesting.

You're like, fuck back support. Who needs it? No, this is the best back support. For me, at least. It forces you to sit straight. Like, see how I'm sitting? This is how you're supposed to sit. You're supposed to sit like this. Your head's not supposed to be forward.

And when you... Most times you sit in a chair, you wind up slumping, sitting like that. And then it makes your back really tight. Since I've been using this, my back never fucks with me when we do podcasts that's awesome yeah you just you you sit on it and your knees are in it i don't know what they're called like a knee chair or something like that but you just you're you're carrying your own weight and then once you do it for a while if you get used to it then you start doing it everywhere like i do it on planes i do it you should sit up straight like all the

time and when you don't when you have bad posture I used to think that people said, oh, you should, you know, watch your posture because it like they didn't want you looking lazy. But it's actually not good for your discs. Like your shit gets compressed. That's why when dudes have a fat wallet, they say never keep a fat wallet in your back pocket. If you're one of those guys that keeps every goddamn business card that you ever get. What was that? Fucking Toys R Us. $10. Oh, fool. pocket if you're one of those guys that keeps every goddamn business card that you ever get what was that fucking toys r us ten dollars oh you get these big fat crazy thick wallets if you sit on that shit all the time you can get disc problems like a lot of cab drivers get sciatic

nerve problems because they get a pinched disc because your body's just got an uneven distribution of weight and that's what it is kind of when you're slumped or you're sitting weird you know it's an uneven distribution of weight i have that a hundred it is. Kind of when you're slumped or you're sitting weird. You know, it's an uneven distribution of weight. I have that 100%. Anytime I go on a road trip now, after like two hours, my right side starts getting numb. And I start, I mean, I start having like little nerve problems. Do you sit on your wallet? No, I don't.

But it's like how I sit. And also, I'm a sluncher. I'm a turtle. Yeah, you shouldn't do that, man. I used to think that it was just that like slouching. I had a real problem with slouching i had a real problem slouching i slouch all the time and i just i think i thought it was just like the way it looks is not good like people don't like the way it looks like so my attitude was fuck man that's so stupid but it's

just not your when you when your back is straight like this like this is the way you're supposed to stand your your spinal column your core is carrying your weight very evenly. It's all stacked up. But when your head goes forward and you sort of relax, you put a great deal of pressure on other parts. You put like, there's like a peak area of your spine that has additional pressure.

And it seems like nothing. And it is nothing for a long time. And then it becomes something. And if you sit like, I used to get real bad back and neck pains from writing and I think I might have fucked myself up doing that as much as I fucked myself up from doing jiu-jitsu because I would write for a long period of time and I would sit in a chair like this with my head forward and then when I was all done I'd be like my neck would be fucking killing me I just don't like

sitting like this because I feel like I'm posing like a woman. You should. I'm pointing my butt and boobs out. I feel like I have to look back at it like I hate it. So you're afraid of the way it looks. You'd rather just have a backache. Right. You know, a backache is just easier to deal with.

No, but seriously, it does look really silly for me to sit like, hey, because my butt's sticking out and my boobs are sticking out. I feel like a... You need to reduce both of those things They won't stick out as much That would help tremendously And uh Believe me

Right Right just Let the boobs That's Brian Redbeard logic Totally 101 right there Totally I don't want to lose my

My boobs and my butt Uh you know I've been working on this so He lost a lot of weight and got real slim. He's like, it makes my head look too big. Fuck this. He looks like a freak. He spent all this work to get down

to like 160 something pounds. He was like super skinny. I have a picture of me and you together and I look like a fucking Lego boy. You don't look like a Lego boy, dude. You just, you look healthy. I look like I had AIDS. aids remember everyone called me aids face because you did it so quick you did it's not everyone you're at the post office i can drop off some packages okay aids face aren't you aids face yeah starbucks

you know venti mochacha latte, AIDS face. AIDS face, okay. They write it on your cup. It didn't look like you had AIDS, dude. What it looked like to me was a guy who lost weight. He looked healthy. That's when we met Seth Rogen. That's right.

Yeah, we did the High Times Music Awards. What is it? High Times Awards? I presented him with Stoner of the Year. And there was Jack Harar. Yeah, Jack Harar. He was alive back then. Those things are interesting, those fucking High Times Awards. I presented him with stoner of the year and there was jack harar yeah jack harar harar he's alive back then those things are interesting those fucking high times awards you meet all the fellow stoners maybe the nicest people on the planet like celebrity stoners like be real is

there a nicer person than be real that guy's one of the nicest people on the planet and all those celebrity stoners they're all like super cool doug benson sweetheart you know all this all the celebrity stoners just super nice people why anybody would want to stop a drug like that well you know i'll tell you the problem with that well you're not taking into account as a lack of ambition these stoners they take up you know a lot of room and they don't do anything they don't they don't earn they keep but sheriff what about all the artists and the musicians that have come from a pot that smoked pot? You mean queers like Steve Jobs? Is that what you're trying to say?

Yeah, Jesus took him from us. Let me tell you something. Jesus is not impressed. You don't look like AIDS face there, fella. You look good. I look like a... No. You're just not used to it.

Because you're used to this backup. You're used to all this support. You got your head, then. You look good. I look like a... No. You're just not used to it, because you're used to this backup. You're used to all this support. You got your head, then you got some backup. When your body shrinks up, you felt like you didn't have any backup. Your head just didn't seem like it was... Aww, Brian, look at you. Dude, you don't look bad there at all. You look great.

You want to have some butt sex? You know, I've told you before. Why does everything that's skinny with you Mean gay That's so weird No I just Because he's got issues No I just look like I had AIDS You don't look like you have AIDS

Right HIV You don't even look like You have HIV You look like you have diarrhea Maybe Like a little bit Like you got that face Like

It's adorable Brian Look dude Come on look at that picture You don't look bad at all It's the dude from Weeds But look at your face You do not look bad at all I can't I can't watch We i watched one episode and um uh who the fuck was on

it one of our our friends was on oh uh who was on it kevin nealon no it's uh brett ernst brett ernst was on it yes right what did he play like a drug dealer he played drug dealer in the yeah i watched it because brett was on it that's it I watched it one other time and I was like, this is fake. This is not real. I'm not buying this. You know what's fake? It's that catfish show. I heard so many people say how awesome that show is.

I finally watch it. The fakest show I've ever seen. Duh. I didn't know it was fake. Duh. You know, I heard on reality TV, sometimes they plan that shit out. It's not really reality. Did you hear that, Tony?

Well, it almost seems like it would benefit them with so much money, spending money on a production. Oh, wait a minute, conspiracy theorists. So you think that what they would do just to make money, they would be willing to fake it and risk their reputations? That's a reality show.

When I tune into a reality show, I want reality. You know that, and I know that. That's a weird one. When I tune into a reality show, I want reality. You know that and I know that. That's a weird one to fake though. It's the best one to fake. Why wouldn't you fake that one? They can really... You figure out how easy it is. What they're doing. People just looking at a camera.

I thought for sure that he was the man that I thought. Dude, people will do whatever the fuck you ask them to do if you have a camera in front of you i mean there's a certain amount of people that will do it so if you have some sort of reality show and you just manipulate these people and say hey you know i want you to this is what you're gonna do you're gonna tell us they know that you've been uh texting this guy and pretending to be a girl and then you're gonna meet him here and say i busted you dude and now i know what's up and the the guy's like, okay, okay, okay.

How long have I known him? You've been friends for 20 years. Okay, okay, okay. We've been friends for 20 years, man. And they'll say shit like that. Man, we've been friends for 20 years. I thought I trusted you. Of course they're going to fake that shit. It's like all that Maury Povich and stuff. That shows still when I'm on the road

and I'm flipping through channels, I'll stop for a few minutes and I'll watch Maury. I'll stop for a few minutes and I'll watch more. I'll watch the results because no matter what, no matter what happens, one of them is going to get up and go, Oh, I told you. I told you that that was or wasn't my baby. Whichever one, one of them is going to flip out because it's just so coached.

One of the guys who was a doorman at, not Eastside Comedy Club, Governors, Governors in Levittown in Long Island, one of the doorm was a doorman at, not Eastside Comedy Club, Governors, Governors in Levittown in Long Island, one of the doormen was a regular on those shows back in the day. Like, this was the 19, I want to say 1990, 1991, pre-internet. And he used to get a call, and they would say, we're looking for a man who has been having sex with his brother's wife. And he goes, what a coincidence. I've been having sex with his brother's wife and he goes what a coincidence

i've been having sex my brother's wife what do you want me to do and they would fight they would literally say that to him see if you can help us out here that was the conversation they would have what we're trying to find is a guy who got arrested wearing women's clothes and trying to get a job in a woman's office and and they go oh what a coincidence that you know they'll tell him the exact scenario that he wants so all those people are just they're just good at it like you'll see that mike ricka did it mike ricka did it way back in the day mike ricka who was a comic at the comedy store in the 1990s he did that shit for money i met mike yeah mike was a funny dude man yeah mike was a funny

dude you know i don't know if he's still doing stand-up anymore but back in the day when we we started out together at the store in the 90s, he was fucking funny, man. There's a lot of those guys that for whatever reason, you know, people don't find out about them. Yeah, he's one of those guys that was there the first few months when I started and we like made friends and then I watched him basically quit. Yeah. I mean, I think he moved somewhere else, but I watched him fade out of the store. Yeah. But anyway, he used to do that shit.

They would hire him to do like, remember when, what was the chick? Jenny Jones? Was that it? The chick who had the show? Remember? And they did a thing where they humiliated this guy because there was a gay guy that he worked with that was in love with him. And so the guy comes on and he has no idea that a gay guy that he worked with that was uh in love with him and so

the guy comes on and uh he has no idea that this gay guy loves him he freaks out he gets humiliated on the show and then he goes and shoots the guy afterwards and they were like that's a wrap for you and they just cease and desist the entire show yeah but that show was uh that was a turning point in those things they realized okay there's some fucking repercussions to this shit. That's when stuff started getting more produced. They realized that at least they got to tell the person before or something. Yeah. When they did the Jenny Jones thing, that was a real guy in a real office who was attracted to his co-worker.

And when that guy was on TV with them, this nutty dude who wound up shooting the guy you know he was just humiliated beyond words but whereas like if you were on there and you found out some guy at work thought you were hot you'd be uncomfortable but you would find it hilarious right you would you'd probably have an issue because dudes can get creepy and you know if you were a girl and you got on a show and you found out that your co-worker loves you there'll be a real problem. You know? If you were a girl, say if you worked in some office, maybe you even have a boyfriend or a husband,

and you got some guy who's your co-worker who not only professes his love to you, but does so on national television in a surprise attack, you'd be like, oh, great. Now I gotta fucking stop working there. Or he's gotta stop working there. Something's gotta happen. Yeah, it is a weird approach, especially when you factor in that that guy probably told the gay guy probably

told the guy on jenny jones on the air so that nothing would happen to him you know he didn't tell him at the office like hey man i really like you please don't hit me like he went on the air and that backfired yeah i guess you probably thought look i'm gonna be on tv with the fucking nothing's gonna happen to me right i'm gonna fucking, nothing's going to happen to me. Right. I'm going to be on television. Yeah. Nothing can happen to me. It's not going to hurt me. No one's going to hurt me. You're going to be on television. Yeah, and Jenny Jones' career is just going to keep going on. The show's going to keep going. Everything's going to be fine. Jenny Jones is a talent. Yeah. Okay. You're not going to stop her with one little scandal. Right. That bitch is going to be back stronger than ever. America demands Jenny Jones.

Yeah. She used to have a show that she would do. She was a comic. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. Yeah. She used to do a show back in the day. If you go to Jenny Jones,

like the early stuff, it's crazy because she had this crazy bulletproof hairdo, this big, giant, huge, sprayed-up hairdo, and she would do these ladies-only shows.

And when I was living in Boston, there was a club. I don't know if it was the Comedy Connection, or it was either Duck Soup or the Improv, because it was the upscale, they had an upscale club, and she would buy out every seat, and there was no men who were allowed in the building. The guys couldn't work the bar, guys couldn't work the door, they had to have all female employees, females, and the whole thing would be filled with females. And so they did it as sort of like a gimmick.

And they had these all-female shows where, you know, Jenny Jones would talk about her, period. Wow. Or whatever, or men's stuff, or things that men want to hear. But that's when the guy fucked with her. That's when the guy fucked with the other

guy, rather, and told him that he was in love with him. But if you go back to her stand-up, you'll see her crazy hair. When they had her on the talk show, she kind of toned it down, and her hair became, like, normal-sized. Yeah. But before, it was, like, some tribal thing. Before she was on TV.

Yeah, she had, like, some tribal peacock thing going on. What? Oh, yeah. Those network heads. Oh, we're going to put you in hair and makeup. No, no, is that stand-up? Yeah. She? Oh, yeah. Those network heads. Oh, we're going to put you in hair and makeup. No, no. Is that stand up?

Yeah. She's supposedly on this. I hear it, guys. Look at that. Pow. Man. Good Lord. She looks like David Bowie.

That's like rock star. Let's hear some of it. He's a good eye doctor, though. Man, she's hot, actually. Yeah. I miss that joke. I feel like kind of a spokesperson for women. I think men should listen to me. I think you guys can learn something, really. You want to know what I find attractive on a man?

Cash. I hate you. Where are the tightwads? Where are you? She looks like the top half of a centaur. You can see what clothes look like in the 60s. She does the way she's moving. Because she's on those heels, she has to do a little balancing act. Dinner at the Sizzler. We forgot the coupons. We had to go back.

Oh, my God. That got an applause break. Stop this. Stop this right now. This is CGI. This is better CGI than King Kong. That's better CGI than the dire wolves in Game of Thrones. That's ridiculous.

So true. There's nothing worse than a fake applause break, like a bad one. Well, I mean, the Navy really loved her. And we're so happy to hear her just get out a joke. You saw the movie Punchline, right? I tried to watch it the other day and just see if there was parts in it that I remember going, that was hilarious. And the wrong reason. Yeah, well, that was before you did stand-up.

Right, and I was also like 10 when it came out. Yeah, I was doing stand-up when that came out. I was just starting to do stand-up. And I remember watching it going, what the fuck is this? This is crazy. It's weird when you watch someone do something that you know they can't do. If I was ever going to, say if I did a movie, I'll never do a movie that I have to play guitar.

But if I did a movie where I played guitar in it, I would learn how to fucking play guitar. Because if I was a guitar player and I was watching some movie about Jimi Hendrix and the guy's just like, you know he doesn't know what he's doing he's just moving his fingers around yeah i would be like this is annoying as shit i know he can't really play guitar this guy's faking it like if you're watching like some fake kung fu in a movie it's very it ruins the movie for you right that's why like in kill bill you ever see that tarantino sent everybody in that assassination squad to japan for like a month or two or three some crazy amount of time to learn kendo learn all of it they learned the art of the samurai sword they learned uh kung fu i mean

big time like from the guys from the main people from the actual old school stuff well you know david lee roth does that now david lee roth lives in japan and takes samurai lessons. That sounds awesome. That sounds amazing. He moved to Japan with his dog by himself. Got an apartment and he takes kendo. Kendo is this Japanese sword fighting art and he practices sword fighting. That's so cool.

Yeah, David Lee Roth is a legit maniac. He's a wild man. You know, doesn't give a fuck. Having a great time doing kendo, playing sword fighting. One of the biggest rock stars the world's ever known. And you know those Japanese people lose it if he comes into their restaurant. It's a bit of a...

Jump! Jump! Go ahead, jump. Pan the moon! I bet not. I bet he slinks right in. You know, because he dresses very low-key. He wears overalls all the time.

And one of them paperboy hats. He wears one of those things all the time. So I bet he just slinks around. It's got to be so beautiful over there. Japanese culture is so smooth and relaxing and cool. It's very different, that's for sure. That's one of the reasons why Japan, if you go over there

it feels like you're in another world it doesn't just feel like you're in another country it feels like you're in another world like the way people behave like everybody's like really polite it's it's very unusual they don't necessarily like white people especially the old folks that were around like during the pearl harbor days you know not not a big fan of white folks when it comes to that but the rest of them, the young kids love Americans I guess most of those Pearl Harbor people are dead but how could you expect them to not hate on Americans

they dropped two bombs on them yeah we did that that was sort of an ouchie that was a big ouchie such a dick move it really is we are the only people in the world to really nuke another place, right?

We nuked it twice, too. Yeah. We didn't just do it once. In the same day, right? We wanted to make sure. Are you sure there weren't just shitty buildings? Let's try the other one. Yeah.

No, I think it was the next day or something like that. Oh. Oh, it was. You know, there's one guy, because I read a thing. Here's one that's crazy for you. I read a thing about the guy that was in both. He was in Hiroshima, right? And he had to like go to work. Like he barely survived or whatever, or was on a train or something like that to Nagasaki. So he goes from Hiroshima, he survives Hiroshima. He's in Nagasaki the next day and then same thing happens like can you imagine the luck on that guy oh my god that's crazy that's crazy

and just imagine that time of the year or that time of the the world when you really could just think that this could continue like bombs could just be dropping now like ones already started we're in the middle of a world war and then all sudden cities are getting leveled like a whole city's getting leveled i mean how I mean, how many people died in those? A lot. And, you know, another thing is that the one in Hiroshima landed next to a hill.

So, like, the hill actually saved a lot of people. Okay. The atomic bomb killed between 90 and 166,000 within the first

two to four months. Roughly half of the deaths in each city occurred on the first day. During the following months, large numbers died Roughly half of the deaths in each city occurred on the first day. During the following months, large numbers died from the effects of the burns, radiation, sickness, and other injuries compounded by illness. In both cities, most of the dead were civilians, although Hiroshima had a sizable garrison.

Wow. Crazy. Oh, we got a shooter of the day. Shooting at Oregon High School to confirm dead. Fuck, that's today? Yeah, just now. Jesus Christ. What

the hell is going on? Do you think it's going to become where we all have to have guns, we all have to carry guns, just like Star Wars where we all have our weapons all the time. All of us. It's going to be one or the other. Either it's going to be that or it's going to be no guns, right?

August 6th was Hiroshima. August 9th was Nagasaki. So they waited. They waited a couple of days. God, that's so scary. Yeah. Yeah, well, that's what the gun people are worried about. The gun people are worried about, you know, they're just going to try to take our guns away now.

And people are not going to just give up their guns. And they're going to vote for people that are going to be put in offense. They're going to ensure that you don't put up their guns. And then the problem is those people also get connected. Like if you have a guy, like say there's a guy that says, I am going to support the Second Amendment no matter what. Every American has a right to bear arms. Everybody goes crazy. All the bear arms people are on that guy's side now.

So that guy, you can attach that guy to a bunch of other shit you might not necessarily believe in. Like you could attach that guy to a bunch of weird environmental shit, relaxing some of the environmental regulations that are on certain areas that are a bit risky to do certain things in that might kill a bunch of fucking weird fish, but whatever, whatever, we can make a lot of money. Those guys get attached and corrupted and attached to all those things because you know that there's a sizable chunk of Americans that will vote to keep their guns. And then there's also the people that are on the other side of it that, you know,

no matter what, they're going to vote against guns there's no matter what like if you if you're we got to clean up these streets and take these guns out of these schools yes there's those people and you got those people if you are an anti-gun person you say we need tighter regulations we need tighter restrictions we need less guns not more guns yeah you people. So, and then you can attach that to a bunch of weird shit, weird social shit, insurance company scams where everybody has to get

certain amounts of insurance and it comes, give me some more, more, more, more. How about we have, everybody has to wear a seatbelt because we're paying out too much money.

So they have regulations to protect you. You have to wear a seatbelt. Well, if I have to wear a seatbelt, how come this guy is allowed to drive a motorcycle? Are you crazy? Right. He doesn if I have to wear a seatbelt, how come this guy is allowed to drive a motorcycle?

Are you crazy? Right. He doesn't even have a cage around him. Yeah. Like, this doesn't make any sense. Okay. You make him wear a helmet. Congratulations.

You make him wear a helmet. I think it's way safer for me in a car with no seatbelt on, and I'm not trying to argue for no seatbelts because I always wear one. But I think it's probably way safer to be in a car with no seatbelt than it is to be on a motorcycle when there's an accident. Right. And in a lot of states they don't even have to wear a helmet. No. No. Colorado you don't. You don't have to in Vegas either. Ohio.

That's a big one. Yeah. I think there's a few. There's quite a few. And I think it's because the people that ride motorcycles, they love that feeling so much that they're like, fuck it. I'm willing to risk my dollars. I'd imagine that is like the wearing a condom of the motorcycle world. It's like once you do it without one, you're like, fuck that.

Yeah, but now you're absolutely right. But nowadays with such great technology with Bluetooth and phones and stereos and the helmets and stuff, I think more people are actually wearing helmets because it's badass to take a phone call while it's in your helmet. Yeah, I don't know about that, dude, because the type of dudes who don't want to wear helmets, those are like the Harley guys. Yeah, true.

Where they don't want, they just want... Just their bandana floating in the back. Yeah, and their woman with her arms wrapped around my waist, and I'm free. I got my red, white, and blue bandana wrapped around. Oh, wait, is that a drone up in the air? I'm a true maverick. I'm not like those faggots out there pretending.

Okay, I'm a true maverick. I vote Republican, and I ride a motorcycle, and my woman's got some long nails that scratch my back. And I feel them pulling on my leather, my vest of my motorcycle club. It makes me well up inside thinking about all my other brothers.

My brothers out there on their metal horses riding out into the sunset. We're together. We're a team. We're a band of brothers. I ride my bike and I bear arms

and I got the arms of a bear and I'm a man. Did you ever read Hunter Thompson's thing on the motorcycle games? Mm-mm. He wrote his first book. The big book that sort of introduced Hunter Thompson to the world was his take on the Hells Angels. He was embedded in the Hells Angels.

Like hung around with them, went with them. And he did it for a long time. He was with like for a couple years. He was like embedded in the Hells Angels and go hang out with him at parties and shit but then um he got into an altercation because a guy was beating up his girlfriend and hunter you know said something to him the guy beat the shit out of him too and a couple other guys beat the shit out of him too and then he wrote the book the book came out and everybody fucking you know went crazy for it and that sort of started hunter s. Thompson's gonzo journalism.

He went from that, which is more of, it's different if you compare it to his older stuff. That's his first piece, which is more, it's still got that sort of gonzo edge to it, but it's more based in reality than when he did Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. When he got to Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, that was originally supposed to be something

that he wrote for ESPN. And it was covering like a motorcycle race. It was so fucking crazy that, you know, they were like, we can't use this. And so he turned it into like this novel and that sort of kickstarted his gonzo career. That in Kentucky, the Kentucky Derby. He wrote a piece on the Kentucky Derby that was pretty fucking crazy too. But he was embedded with those fucking angels for two years.

And he's got some wild fucking stories, man. Orgies and those guys would literally kiss each other. Whenever they would have cameras on them, they would kiss each other and tongue each other. Wow. To freak people out. So you see these big motorcycle dudes, crazy beards making out with each other.

Wow. Was YMCA, were they actually gay? Because I saw a video the other day, and it didn't seem very gay. Village people? Yeah, the village people. But it seemed like maybe one or two of them were. But they... Do you remember...

Do you remember Jamie Kennedy, when Jamie Kennedy had that show, The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? What was it? Jamie Kennedy Experiment, right? it Jimmy Kennedy experiment was it the experiment yeah he he had this one episode that he did and it was about guys and talking these guys into being strippers they're gonna be male strippers and then along the line it's getting creepier and creepier they're gonna be on a TV show they're gonna be there you're gonna be it's like girls gone wild guys gone nuts okay this is

guys gone nuts yeah yeah okay okay and then they tell him that's going to be a lot of it is for gay guys. But it doesn't matter, man. You're going to be a huge star and all this stuff. And he starts going over some of the gay things he might have to do. Might have to make out with another man. And the guy's like, well, man, I don't want to do that, but I do want to be on the show. Damn.

And then at the end of it, they reveal. But it's real. It's not a setup. It be on the show. Damn. And then at the end of it, they reveal, but it's real. It's not a setup. It was a real show. I mean, Jamie Kennedy's fucking genius in that shit. I don't know why he stopped doing that.

I mean, maybe it was like lawsuits. Maybe they got in trouble for doing it, but that was like the best shit he ever did. It was really fucking funny, but it was all these guys. So I would suspect that it's like that kind of situation. That if you... There's enough guys out there that if you just guarantee them they're going to be on television,

guarantee them they're going to have some sort of fame, they'll do some gay shit. Well, the reason why I ask is that song that David... Or Eddie... Or Van Halen... Shit. David Lee Roth did. I'm a gigolo.

Right. Everywhere. I didn't know that YM... That was their song? Village People was one of their songs. Eddie or Van Halen shit. David Lee Roth, uh, did I'm a gigolo right everywhere. I didn't know that YM or a village people was one of their songs. And if you watch the video, it's smooth as hell. Like, like, like he's a pimp.

And then, and I was like, wait a second. I thought this was like, like some weird, like a gay band that, you know, all I had to do is type in are the village people.

And then Google filled out gay. Okay. Are the village people, and then Google filled out gay. Okay, which members of the village people were or are gay? All right, here we go. Victor Willis, the policeman, and Glenn Hughes, the biker, were straight, while Pepe Rose, or Felipe Rose, the American Indian, and Randy Jones, the cowboy, David Hodo, the construction worker, and Alex Briley, the military man, and Randy Jones, the cowboy, David Hodo, the construction worker, and Alex Briley, the military man, were gay. So there was only two straight dudes,

and the rest of them were just jerking off on them while they were taking a nap. What is this? That's it. This is Just a Gigolo? Check out Pimp This Guy. This is a Village People song? Wow. David Lee Roth, you have a lot of explaining to do but it's actually like a kind of cool video and i like it's got like this

i just changed my idea of what the village people were you can really tell which ones are gay like this guy's just hooking up with a chick and then it cuts to some guy with a black tank top and a pilot's hat well not only that it's a black guy and a white woman yeah there's an interracial vibe to it and she's really hot too wow oh there they were again they're all in the alley yeah they cut to the gay guys dancing, looking at themselves in a mirror. No, the policeman was not gay. The policeman and the biker are straight. So the guy with the crazy mustache,

that's the biker, right? He's straight, believe it or not. Wow. How's that possible? Hanging out with too many gay guys. Hanging out. Ain't got nobody.

Nobody. That's hilarious. Look at that. The Indian is gay as fuck, though. See him? Look at him. Yeah. Look at him.

He's like, hmm. Yeah. Look at him dance. Look at that cowboy. You can't tell me that cowboy's straight. I'll tell you that right now. You can't even dance like that until you've had three or four dicks in your ass. It's not possible to move that way.

There's a looseness in his hips. This is crazy. The biker's straight as fuck. Yeah. The biker's like, I am surrounded. They're going to pounce on me. I'm just going to be so gay that they don't even want a part of me. That's what he's doing it's like man halen

yeah that mustache that guy with the mustache you assume he would have to be gay oh totally nope that's wait no biker he's straight yeah no he was in the closet yeah he was totally in denial like i don't know what you're talking about man i mean i just it's fucking just a job bro yeah I'm just playing a biker. Even if he's not gay, his mustache is. That mustache jumps off his face in the middle of the night and goes and bangs dudes.

It just comes back in the morning smelling like liquor and butt. Buttholes. Buttholes and Bacardi. Village people are great. It's the only gig I can get, bro. Can you imagine how insulted the Indians, like the Indians, are? Our representatives are quite pathetic now.

The Cherokee Nation. Voices is disproval. Oh, that was an Apache. Don't worry about it, bro. Those are the enemy anyway. You know the Indians? Like, they didn't all like each other. Did you guys know that?

Oh, yeah. They fought. They hate. All the time. All the time. Yeah, the idea that, like, the white man came and, like, there's a peaceful land. Oh, yeah. They came, the white man, and killed everyone.

You guys were kind of killing each other, too. Oh, yeah. The Lakota, like, Sioux, sue like the the sue indian the term sue doesn't mean um that's their name like that means enemy that's what it means they're they call themselves the lakota people but the word sue is enemy to these so these other native tribes call them enemy obviously the americans are the americans the white people europeans did a way better job of killing people and were way more fucked up about it and were way more evil about it and had guns and a lot of other shit.

But they didn't like each other either. That's just people, man. You're never going to find like this idea of you find this one peaceful utopia where everyone got along. They were one with nature. They did a lot of raping and killing too. They fucking cut people up. They did a lot of evil shit and killing too they fucking cut people up they did a lot of evil shit they ate people so stop yeah everybody people are there's no like

one race that you can go back and go those fuckers had it nailed those guys were super cool to each other they had a balanced civilization there was no murder no rape no theft it's never existed yeah definitely not we're a work in progress ladies and gentlemen And shit takes time The universe has been here four something billion years How many billions? 14 billion? Something like that This planet's been here four and a half billion 4.6 something like that

I'm not sure A long ass time Okay we've been here for a million years If that Takes time We gotta figure it out So no culture's ever had it right The idea that we should have

left the american indians alone yeah great idea fucking terrific and then what and then what exactly they're all the village people it's just a bunch of indians come on we needed to get some americans in there yeah not only that like i'm not i'm not like arguing for genocide but that's what happens when people go and they look at history. They look at the positive benefits of things that have happened that were really ugly. Like when people talk about the Mongols, they talk about how the Mongols, they improved trade routes. They killed millions of people too, though. I mean, they improved trade routes by butchering entire cities of people.

Yeah, things definitely started moving more freely, but, but people like, like to like look at the positive benefits of like things like that, where horrible genocide took place. So if you looked at like Americans, establishing American, Europeans coming over and established American, killing all these Native Americans, some people, if they looked at it that way would say, if it wasn't for that we would never have Atlanta We would never have Miami. We would never have these wonderful cities that we'd enjoy today So in the long run it worked out. Yeah, and the Indians they have their casinos. That's true. They make a lot of money It's a pretty fucked up history when you think about the history of the United States only a few hundred years ago

There's these other folks that lived here like only a few hundred years ago and as many as like a million There was a lot of them at one point in time There was a lot of fucking people living in this country like the idea that this place wasn't wasn't populated right a lot of them They killed a lot of fucking people Yeah, they killed him in the creep creepiest ways to like putting they put smallpox in their their their their their Blankets was it smallpox they put in their blankets and gave to these people they put smallpox in their their uh their their their blankets was it smallpox they put in their blankets and gave to these people they put like blankets they had scabs in the blankets of people that had diseases and they would put it in the blankets and give them

to the american indians spreading these evil terminal diseases sounds like our buddy josh martin's bed our friend friend just moved into a place, and his first night there. Yeah, he got screwed over by these two guys that had a bedroom for rent, and he gave them the deposit in the first month's rent and slept there for one night, and everything he owned,

since he moved it all into his new bedroom, got infested by bed bugs. Oh, no. Yeah, and they're really hard to get rid of. You need to wash, seal, you need to seal everything and wash it all at 110 degrees for an hour at least. And you have to do all this stuff with everything. His mattress is now garbage,

and he's, like, a very struggling young comic. Oh, no. So they knew about it before they rented him the place? Yeah, so he's going to try to... Oh, dickheads. This is somebody that just came off of living in his car for a whole year. In the last two months, he was living in his car after it had been peed on by another comic. Right.

This poor guy is just not getting any luck. Fuck, man. Bed bugs are supposedly all throughout New York City. It's a real issue with bed bugs. Yeah, because this happened to them over the weekend, I ended up reading about it yesterday, and it's really crazy. They were almost extinct completely.

And then in 95 or something like that, for no apparent reason, there was an explosion of bed bugs. I remember it just being... I used to think they weren't even real. I used to think it was just a thing that my mom said to me before bed, like a good night don't let the bed bugs bite like that whole thing no they're real dude when i was in high school my dog had fleas and she uh

she got the fleas in my carpet and i couldn't get them out man i could not get them out like when i would go from my my bedroom like from my carpet to my bed i would get bugs on me and i have to take them off yeah that, I had that happen once. That was the scariest, one of the worst times of my life. It drove me crazy. You feel like they're on you all the time. And I was a fucking lazy kid too. I wasn't going to clean my room.

I wasn't going to vacuum. I just wasn't going to get it done. They jump right on your ankles. I remember that. It bit the shit out of me, dude. I used to have little scabs on my ankles. So I eventually had to pull everything out of my room and then foam it down. had to get this machine you know those machines that they they hire people to come by and you know you could rent them and like home depot and shit or wherever it was i bought one

of those did you buy one yeah if you ever need it well i think carpets are gross man i'd rather have a wood floor that you can clean up real easy you can't really clean carpets that good it's like clothes that you never change i couldn't agree with you more. I hate carpet. If it was up to me, it would just be, if you have hardwood, maybe like a little rug,

and then when something spills on the rug, get a new rug. Yeah, roll that bitch up, light it on fire. Absolutely. Yeah, I think that's like a thing that people thought was like a luxury in the 80s or the 70s

or whatever the fuck it was. Ooh, carpet. And they realized, this is like a sweater that people walk on. Right. It's like a giant towel. It is. It's essentially just like a towel.

Towels have those little things that stick out of them. Ooh, you mean plush? Yeah, right. The fancier it is, the more it entraps bacteria and everything. You know what I don't like? I don't like towels that are synthetic because you could feel it when they're wet. When you're wet and you rub one of those plush synthetic towels, and it almost doesn't absorb the water.

It wipes the water on you a little bit. The worst. It absorbs some of it, but you could feel the difference. Or if you get a real legit cotton towel, you feel it dry you off. You feel it take the water off. Those slippery ones make me feel like I'm ruining the environment. Oh, yeah Couldn't probably this print thing would probably melt when you light on fire would melt You know I saw you at e3 your or I heard your voice on e3 when you they announced the new UFC and they

Played some of it and they I guess Bruce Lee is now in it. So you can fight Bruce Lee versus like GSP. Dude, have you seen it? Yeah. The graphics are insane. They're insane. It's amazing.

They're so close now. They're getting so close to like making it look like a real movie, like making it look like a real fight in HD. And you're on commentary on that? Yeah, dude, I did hours. I was just going to ask like hours so you have

to say like everything because you have to get every possible thing out yeah i mean i'm not complaining but i mean i am kind of but it's it wasn't wasn't like a difficult thing to do it just takes a long time right it's actually fun i would just pretend i was watching fights and you i would just do it exactly i wouldn't when i was doing it i would just think about moments that things happen like moments like guys landed kicks or you know punches or takedowns or someone catching a choke and i would just remember like historic fight moments and just sort of try to recapture that try to pretend that that's happening while i was screaming at him so if you watch if you play the video it's very close to the way I would do Commodore in a real fight. I love Bruce Buffer. This is actual gameplay.

Bruce is the best. Yeah. That's gameplay. No one has ever been better than Bruce Buffer. Totally. Look how good the fucking graphics are. That's incredible. Oh, my God.

I didn't realize this was a game until you just said that. That's crazy. Look at the fucking shadows and the way these... It's so much better than it used to be. Whoa. That's crazy. Look at the fucking shadows and the way these... It's so much better than it used to be. Whoa. This is crazy. That looks exactly like Ronda Rousey.

That's crazy. And look at the movement. The movement's really good now. I've heard the ground game controls are a lot easier now to get into jiu-jitsu moves and stuff like that. Just... This is crazy shit.

It looks so good. That's a good guillotine. I mean, it looks real. Yeah, they've really been spending a lot of time on this one. But I'll tell you what, people take a lot more head kicks in this game than they do in real life. Right. It only takes a couple of those jammies in real life to shut the lights out.

This is wild. Is it weird to see all your friends digitized in video game form? Yeah, the Bruce Lee thing is amazing. Look at Bruce Lee. Wow, he's ripped. Is he wearing the yellow black? You said that about as gay as possible.

He's ripped. You can talk like that when it's about Bruce Lee. You're allowed to. Isn't that funny? Ripped is a thing that people want. They want ripped. They want to see a six-pack. You know why the best fighter possibly ever was Fedor Emelianenko

and he was fat as fuck. Yeah. He walked around with like a belly. You know, he had like a little roll. Like he likes jiggles around the middle

a little bit. Didn't give a fuck. Just, go in there and fuck guys up. Anderson Silva was never that ripped either. You know,

he was more smooth. I mean, he's obviously muscular and very strong, but he wasn't like Bruce Lee. You know, shredded. There's a few guys that are like that, fucking shredded.

Bruce Lee's a bad man. Bruce Lee was like legitimately one of the first guys to figure out that there were certain aspects of all the martial arts that were effective. And the best way to do it was to combine them all. Before Bruce Lee, nobody combined shit. That was like a thing that you would have pride in you know. I have studied Shoto Kahn I will continue to be a shoto con man to the day. I die. I am a wing chung man You know I you know and people would like represent their style like an old kung fu movie You know they thought that there was only one style that was the correct style my master learned from the great masters And he came down from korea

and taught me this style bruce lee was like that's nonsense bruce lee was the guy who invented mma really what'd you do you fart covering your own mouth i know i was blowing my vapor into my shirt you can't even go an hour without getting a fix are you back on the vape pen too yeah did you get off the cigarettes no i still smoke cigarettes smoke cigarettes sometimes. It's bad. Oh, Tony H, what happened? I'm a bad man. What was the stressful event that caused you to go back to the cigarettes? Work stuff. I didn't get something that I was working for a couple months for

really, really hard. I mean, I'm going to get back to I got to get off everything. In the long run, it did you good. Trust me. You shouldn't be on shows dude you should just get funny just from your stand-up i mean get famous just from your stand-up get funny just from your stand-up get famous just from your stand-up the reason why i say this is because no one is

ever going to be able to capture what you do best any place other than on stage right now when you're on stage that's you you're you're 100 in control of the content, the way it's set up, delivered. And it's hilarious. You can't do that if you're doing a TV show. You're going to do it with a bunch of people. They're going to have some fucking wacky ideas about what Tony H should wear. Tony, we got just a little bit of makeup, just a slight base. Like, okay, okay.

And next thing you know. Yeah, it was a little bit bigger than that, the draining thing. It was something that was so funny. Yeah, I know what it was. You worked on it for a long time. Yeah, it was a really tough loss. If you're going to do a show, I really think it should be your own show. You're right.

Figure out how to do your own thing. You doing somebody else's thing, I think that's, for a comic, that's one of the hardest things to realize. It takes a long time to realize, but you're better off doing your own thing than you are. Like if you get stuck on some show, like when I was on Fear Factor, it was a great benefit financially. It was really good. But when you're doing someone else's thing, it's not, it's like a job. It becomes something that you think about like, okay, now I'm going to work. Not complaining. It was a great job. But there's a huge difference between that and like doing a podcast or that and doing, doing standup, especially doing standup. Oh yeah.

That's the freest one. Right. You, you're completely in control of how you do it. Yeah. Completely in control of what you write. You experiment, you come up with your own stuff and you're not wasting any time doing anybody else's thing. Right.

And then, and exactly. I mean, I wasn't going to slow down on my stand-up or you know the me thing but i really wanted that i really wanted something i'm sure you did i know you did this i mean that's a good thing that you never stop with your stand-up some guys do right they start they get a job writing and they stop performing that's what's crazy that was uh that was one of the things when i got into the writer's room for the first time. I was amazed at how funny a lot of the guys were

and that they used to do stand-up and that once they started the writing job that they stopped because I hang out with comedians all the time, almost every night. So when I was in the room, I know what's funny and I know who's funny.

You know what I mean? So it's amazing to me you know it was scary like one guy you know one of the funniest people i've ever met used to do stand-up and he doesn't but every time this guy opens his mouth it's about to be an explosion i mean he has an emmy for writing and but he's the king of roast writing like he's just an insult guru so if you go hey what about babbity ba you know jim Jimi Hendrix or whatever, and 10 seconds later, he'll have a gem that you can't not almost fall on the ground at. But yeah, I never did.

The entire time, my first few years writing, writing gigs, even during the season, if it got late in the office, 8, 9, 10, hey guys, I got to go do my spot, sorry. But I'd also churn it out so much during the day that they couldn't be like well you know i didn't give them an option i would you know work hard all day but i never if i did that if i missed a spot or something for a writing gig that would start an entire whole nother crazy meltdown and breakdown because i just can't not do stand-up crazy well it's just you're always getting better too like i'll see you i'll see you three months later you're better three months later you'll be better than you were three months ago almost every time and

that means you're like constantly like trying to refine and hone and that's when it becomes like a real obsession when you're like folding over your jokes and hammering them down trying to get them to you got to do a lot of sets to do that and if you have another gig that starts preventing you from doing that it can become a real problem because you could you could just go oh you know what i've got this i'm just gonna like i'm just gonna kick back stop doing stand up for a while i'm gonna just take a few months off and just maybe i'll just i mean i'm not happy with my act right now you come up with excuses and reasons and next thing you know you've got some sort of a job right you're showing up at an office every day and you're i mean you're writing yeah it's great but it's not as fun as stand-up it can't be exactly but for some dudes

the stress of the performance is not worth it's like uh it's not worth uh the effort it's like what's that expression um the juice like uh is it worth uh the juice to squeeze these berries you know is it worth the effort is it worth it all the stress that you go through to get on stage and crack out a joke i'd rather just write for someone else and have them deal with it yeah that's not stress at all i love churning those berries you know what i'm saying right but that's just you right yeah? Yeah. I mean, for some guys, it really is better for them to just be a writer. It's like their performance life is just too fucked up. It's too hard for them.

I guess so. Yeah. I think there's a lot of guys like that, man. Maybe they just couldn't get the spots, didn't meet the right people at the right time or something. I don't know. Maybe they weren't that funny of a performer. That is the one thing. I don't know what those writers who I say are hilarious what their stand-ups like they've been in writer rooms for

so long that they know how to be funny like at a table you know what i mean when a topic comes up do you encourage people that you meet that are really funny to try to do stand-up no never never really never they gotta want to do it That's one of those things where if you don't want it so bad that you're crazy about it, then you're not going to do anything anyway. You never planted that seed, though? You never said to anybody, you should probably do stand-up? My whole podcast is pretty much based on helping people that want to do stand-up get better or grow or give them something or in any way shape

or form or bring them down a peg if they're crazy but um i i know i'm not into helping i'm not into telling somebody that they should do something that's as extreme as stand-up like if they have if that thought if they haven't gone to an open mic and tried it, then I can't say. You know why I say I do it? It's because I think there's certain people out there that really are funny and just need to hear a voice of encouragement. It could go a long way.

I met dudes that... I used to work for a guy who was a private investigator. One of the funniest guys I've ever met in my life. His name is Dave Dolan. The guy easily could have been a stand-up. he was a private investigator and he was really good at reading people so he knew what a person's weakness was he would talk to you for a couple seconds just figure out what your thing was he played dumb he'd be like this uh dumb boston guy okay you know you know i was down here with a friend of mine and uh we were looking for this guy that uh hit the hit

our car and took off and he would read off a license plate number. It was very similar to their license plate number. And that was how he got information out of people. He would just tell them about an accident they weren't involved in, and then he would start talking to them. And they would start giving him information about all kinds of shit, about working while they're on unemployment. Oh, I'm using my maiden name.

I have a job. We caught people doing shit like that all the time. But the guy was hilarious. He would get in the car like after he had done that, and we would work together as a team. And he would be laughing his dick off and just saying all kinds of fucking crazy shit. And he was just one of those guys that was just naturally funny.

And I told him, I was like, look, man, you're funnier than me, and I'm doing stand-up. Like, you should really do stand-up. And he's like, look, kid, I got to pay the bills. Okay, this is what I do. I bust assholes Had this sort of way about him just knew how to just say the right thing Yeah It's like a craft that some guys have where they know when to say the right thing like Diaz perfect example, right? You know when Eddie Bravo fought Hoyle de Gracie we called joey diaz we had him on

speakerphone and the first thing he said is fogo the child the flags are at half mast he just he just knows when to say the right shit if joey diaz if somebody i guess he probably decided to do it himself but if nobody had ever talked joey diaz into doing stand-up that would have been a national tragedy. Yeah. You know a lot of what Joey did was in prison? Oh, yeah. He would make prisoners laugh.

Yeah. That's where he got good at it. They would show a movie if the movie sucked. They'd go, get up there, Coco. Get up there, Coco. And Joey would get up on stage and make everybody laugh. Isn't that nuts? Wow.

When they tell the Joey Diaz life story, and I think somebody will do it, someone's going to fuck it up. Probably Jonah Hill or something like that. Joey Diaz. Some guy's not even Cuban. It'll be Adam Sandler with a fat suit. Adam was a big fan and really wants your trust in this project.

He really thinks that he could do it. It'd be like when people were outraged that Tom Cruise was going to play the stat in the interview with the vampire crazy online petition against tom cruise playing the stat everybody's freaking the fuck out that's what it'd be like if jonah hill was going to play joey diaz yeah it'd be like he's not even human hey how are you cocksuckers and And there would be someone from some Latino association who would get on TV and say, this is another theft from the Latino community. Someone is coming in,

and a non-Latino is playing a Latino on TV in a movie about a Latino star. And everybody, yeah. El Cubano. Hijo de Dios. It's the best. I saw Sebastian the other day at the Ice House. Sold out the whole weekend.

I didn't know so many people knew who Sebastian was. Oh, yeah, man. He was that big, but people were telling me, oh, dude, he's huge. Sebastian's doing great. He had a Showtime special. We talked about a Showtime special on the podcast. I watched it in my hotel room. It was just flipping through the channels, and I caught it.

It was really funny. He's fucking good. He's doing really well. He'd always done well in certain spots where people got to know him. He developed a following in Dallas years back. He did really well at that Addison Improv. That place is ridiculous.

That's a great spot. That Addison Improv. Who missed it? Ooh, that's a great spot. That's some wild people. There's still a lot of smoking doors, I think. Wow. We'd do like a late show

and people would be smoking. I would go, this is crazy. You guys can smoke inside? And it wasn't like one of those Vegas showrooms. Like, you can smoke in Vegas, but if you go to any place in Vegas,

they have those fucking industrial room cleansing machines that are just sucking cigarette smoke out. You walk through the casino, you don't even realize that all those people are smoking. Right. I mean, how often do you walk through the... I mean, if it's right on top of you,

you smell it and it's kind of gross, but for the most part, you're surrounded by people smoking cigarettes. You can barely tell. They're just sucking out that air and cleaning it up and giving you some fresh ambition air, some blackjack air. That's how I got back on the smokes.

We were in Vegas just a couple weeks ago and you see these people smoking in the casino and this i you know it was just weird i wasn't really i wasn't really planning on smoking but we got there and you just see these people smoking but you don't smell it but it's indoors so it seems clean again like the trickery worked on my brain next thing thing you know, when we met, after we checked into our hotel rooms, I had a pack of cigarettes. For the first time in six months. Let's find that out. How do casinos kill the smell of cigarettes? Because they must do something.

We stayed at the Golden Nugget, and we got into the smoking room there. And the room smelled like the most cigarette that I've ever smelled. The Golden Nugget's like the staple of Vegas. It's just hundreds of years of cigarettes. There's Sinatra's smoke in there. Well, you know, they say there's third-hand smoke. Do you ever hear about third-hand smoke? Yeah.

They think that you go into a place like that that has been cigarette smoked, people have been smoking in there for years and years and years, it's actually in the walls itself. Like you're actually breathing in carcinogens when you're in that building. especially if anything catches fire or gets wet or has some sort of a chemical reaction to things that are in the room household cleaners and shit like that it seems like something that you would have said like three years ago yeah if you get cancer from

uh third-hand smoke you're a you're a pussy well i'm not saying that it's anything you should worry about at a casino, staying in a room for a night. But it's not good for you, that's for sure. If they find out that's true or if it gives you autism from smoke, like third-hand smoke, because it seems like it would. If you go to that Golden Nugget that we were at, that shit was disturbingly cigarette-y.

So that place did have old-school filters? Old-school. I mean, the rooms felt like you were in an ashtray. Yeah. Yeah, there's a thing called, okay, there's a thing called Air Fantastic, and they have a solution for these kind of things. It can reduce 99% of airborne particles, particulates, dust, pollen. Machines, this, pollen, machines.

This is kind of interesting. So I guess it just sucks all the air out of the room and cleans it while you're in there. Huh. Yeah. That's pretty impressive. 99% of airborne particulates. Jay-Z. It's like a study from West Texas A&M.

Huh. Particulates in cigarette smoke are positively charged which keeps them airborne the ions produced are negatively charged and so the particular the particles are neutralized and fall to the ground whoa that's crazy so this shit does something to the very air around you that causes the particles from cigarettes to fall so they don't stay in the air and linger like that's what's going on what the fuck is that about that's weird man crystal clear experiment was proven in austin's yellow rose gentlemen's club in 2003 which installed eight of our 14 inch probes that's hilarious that's their first fucking customer finally we got one, boys.

The titty bar is taking us in. We're going to revolutionize this game. The bar would be packed with many smokers and the air was crystal clear. And one could not even see on particle? They should say one particle, but it says on particle.

You fucking no-spell spell check motherfuckers. Read your own shit. How come someone has a website that you don't even read your own shit? That makes me wonder if the product is... They could not see one particle, you fucks, in the bright spot. Okay. All right. Well, that's just one company that sells something.

But obviously, there's something like that. So they have some way to remove this stuff. There's more than one company. There's another called Aeroma, Airzone. So I guess they do something. Huh. I wonder if that's bad for you, though, whatever the fuck they're doing to the air. It seems like it would be.

That doesn't seem like it's good, right? Right. Yeah. I don't know what the fuck that is. They've got to do something. If it's to the air. How old do you have to be to smoke? 18. Yeah. I don't know what the fuck that is. They got to do something. If it's to the air. How old do you have to be to smoke? 18.

That's it? In New York, just past 21, which is super smart. Yeah, it should be fucking 21. But you're not going to stop them. You're not going to stop people. I think if you want to figure out a way to keep people from smoking cigarettes, you're going to have to find some sort of a pill that allows them to quit really easily. Yep.

It just kills the addiction, no withdrawal symptoms. Because otherwise, the majority of people love pleasure and they hate discomfort so much that the idea of being without a cigarette and having a pang and a craving is too much and they just cave in. Yeah. It's amazing that Nabisco is down with that. Yeah. The people that sell us those fine cookies and crackers,

they also sell cigarettes. I mean, how greedy do you have to be, you fucks? How much money are you making from your crackers? So much money. Is that enough cookie money? Yeah. Why do you have to sell cigarettes? It's all that stuff.

You know those little sticks with the little cheese? What are those, handy snacks? Oh, God. Oh, yeah. Those are yummy when you're four. Those little white sticks with the cheese?. What are those? Handy snacks? Oh, yeah. Those little white sticks with the cheese? Same people. How weird.

Kraft is a Nabisco company. So all that cheese. Oreos? Oreos is a big one. How weird is it that in this day and age with all the information that we have now we don't hold someone accountable for something like that? We don't say, why are you selling that?

Well, people have the right to choose what they want to do. And a lot of Americans enjoy a cigarette. It's amazing. The scariest to me, honestly, is really McDonald's. Why? Because everybody's so taught that it's McDonald's. It's America. This is good.

You can have this. It's fine. It's, it's America, this is good. You can have this. This is fine. It's just Coca-Cola, fries, whatever this burger is made out of. Yeah, but that doesn't make you – well, I guess it does give you a certain amount of addiction, right? Oh, yeah. It teaches you to eat whatever. Preservatives are fine. It teaches you to eat garbage.

If it tastes good, that's all that matters. I'm loving it. Yeah. But is it doing that or is it just giving you that as an option too? Like why is that any different than a donut shop? I like donuts. I don't eat them all the time, but I like the fact that there's a donut shop where if I pull into Dunkin' Donuts and I say,

I'll have a cup of coffee and a Boston cream donut, please. And I get excited and I'll have about 15, 20 seconds of mouth pleasure and then a few hours of regret but I like that that's available isn't that McDonald's? I think a donut's a special treat I think you get a donut that's like I'm going to pick out my donut, this was baked today

McDonald's is like, that's really the commercials between everything, it's sort of like hey, they're the number one toy producer in the country McDonald's, all those happy hey, they're the number one toy producer in the country. All those Happy Meals. All those Happy Meals because we're teaching kids, hey, eat this.

It doesn't matter what this burger is actually made out of. You know San Francisco outlawed toys and Happy Meals? That's smart. Is it? Yeah, I'm telling you, man. You can't just eat whatever you want. I mean, you can, but. But you can sometimes.

It's going to make you depressed. It's going to make you angry. You're going to wonder why you feel crappy. I mean, you can, but... Yeah, but you can sometimes. It's going to make you depressed. It's going to make you angry. You're going to wonder why you feel crappy. I mean, at least that's how it was with me. That's why I had to get off that stuff. McDonald's? Yeah. I had it last night.

A quarter pounder. It was delicious. Well, yeah, we know it tastes good. That's part of the problem. The fries. Yeah, but nowadays, they're getting sued by so many people that the oils they cook it in now are a lot healthier than they used to be. And the quarter pounder.

That's not true. You just said. The kerosene that they cook their burgers in is a lot. Any food you make is going to have oils in it. Oh, yeah. But. Yeah, I mean, because a lot of people, when they steam their celery, they're always worried about that goddamn oil that comes with it. Welcome to Greenlee.

When I eat my salad, I know there's going to be oil. I just accept it. I mean, anything that needs oil, like fries or something like that. Well, if you cook fries, you can cook them in duck fat. Remember that one place in Vegas? We go to Craft Steak. Goddamn, son. They bring over these duck fat fries.

Good googly moogly are they good. They bring over these duck fat fries. Good googly moogly are they good. They bring them over with three different types of dipping sauce. But it's the duck fat. That's what does it. Those fries, those McDonald's fries, that shit's whack. It's so delicious, though.

They have the best fries. McDonald's? Yeah. You're crazy. In-N-Out burries McDonald's. In-N-Out? It's like cardboard. No, no, no. It's like a real potato, you fuck.

Yeah, those are... They actually taste like a potato. In-N-Out is fucking fantastic. Oh, it's good. I don't think they beat McDonald's fries. You know what's better than both of them? Better than both of them? Five Guys Fries.

Buries them in the fucking ground. How dare you nod your head side to side, Jamie? You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Trust me. Five Guys Fries fucks everybody up. Plus, they have you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Trust me. Five Guys fries fucks everybody up. Plus, they have a Cajun version. You can get Cajun fries.

Oh, what did I say? Yes. They give it to you in a fucking, like one of those movie barrels where they give you popcorn. That's where they give you your fries. You're never going to eat all your fries at Five Guys. Good fucking luck. Cajun seasoning is the best. I mean, that just makes anything better. All fries are Five Guys. Good fucking luck. Cajun seasoning is the best. I mean, that just makes anything better.

All fries are good fries with Cajun, but Five Guys does have great fries. I usually don't fuck with Cajun spices on steak. I usually like steak, you know, like pepper and like salt and that's it. But I had a Cajun ribeye at that place we went to the other day. Ooh, lordy.

Oh, it was perfect. Not too overpowering, just the right the other day. Ooh, lordy. It was perfect. Not too overpowering. Just the right amount of spice. Oh, yummy, yummy, yummy. That picture you posted the other day, that looks amazing. Of what? That delicious steak you were eating or meat. Oh, which one was it?

Oh, the bear? Yeah. Yeah, that was not the one I shot. That was one that was someone in camp shot. It was the first time I ever... Well, I had bear sausage before that I liked, but I'd never had a bear steak right off the bear. What's it taste like?

It tastes delicious. Is it very gamey? It tastes like a pig fucked a deer, and you had to cook it well done. That sounds good. Yeah. Well, the problem with bear is the same problem with pork, and it's that they eat animals.

And when they eat animals, you have to worry about them having trichinosis, because trichinosis comes from eating an animal that has trichinosis. So, like, they say 90% of all the cases of trichinosis, according to my friend Steve Rinella, 90% occur in the United States from people eating bears. Whoa. Yeah. That's the 90% of our cases of trichinosis. Think about how few people in the United States eat bears, but that's 90% of trichinosis cases. It's because bears are predators.

I mean, they eat everything. They eat berries, but they also eat animals. They're responsible for like half of the moose population. When you are in Alberta, where I was at, half the babies get eaten by bears. Weren't you scared of eating that? Like turning trick? I mean, getting the trick. Turning to a bear?

Getting the trick. Turning tricks? No, you just, you have to cook it to 150 degrees. What's, see, what's, I think bear meat would probably be super delicious if you were able to um cook it medium rare i would like to try it that way because uh it's it's good um in comparison to like uh like beef or something like that it has a more robust flavor like and if you if you cook it like thin and you have to kind of cook it well done, it is very good. But it's not as good as deer or elk because deer or elk you eat like a medium rare, almost a rare, and it's delicious. Like you sear like a deer loin.

You would take a slice of it. You'd put like some pepper and maybe some garlic salt on it. You would sear it on one side and sear it on the other side, and it's fantastic. You know, you don't really have to cook it that much because they don't have the same type of parasites that pigs do. So when you have pig, you always have to like that smoked pig was amazing, that ham that I made, but you have to cook that for a long time. It's going to be cooked all the way through and it really breaks it down and it becomes

delicious, but it has to hit 150 degrees. If it doesn't hit 150 degrees, the trichichinosis if it has it and it may not but if it does have it you could get it so in that sense pigs and bear are very similar i like them a lot but i prefer um deer and elk and animals that you could eat medium rare have you ever done the duck shooting like the no it seems like you would love that because that seems like target practice like quake like you're just like yeah um the only problem that seems like target practice, like quake. Like you're just like. Yeah. The only problem that I have with that, and it's just a small moral problem, is that a lot of those ducks, you're just sort of clipping them.

Like you're like tagging their wings with like pebbles. You know, like you're shooting shotgun pellets. And if you ever watch those things, a lot of those ducks are like still flying after they get hit. And then they stumble and they lose a lot of ducks that way. Like ducks just fly off because it seems kind of not specific. Like you're shooting at them, boom, boom, but they spread out, the pellets spread out and in a lot of ways, and this is not a criticism of duck hunting, I would totally do it. But it just, there's one thing that fucks with me and that's that I think that a lot of them, you're like barely going to hit. You're going to hit a wing or a foot, blow a foot off, and then they're still going to fly away.

You're going to shoot a lot of them and drop them out of the sky, but if you could shoot one duck at a time with a rifle, you could tune in on that duck. You got a crosshair on it. Boom! The duck's gone. But when you're pumping lead into the air, you ever watch those duck shows? Like sometimes they get them dead on, but sometimes they'll like catch them,

they'll spiral, and they're, you know, they're fine. They just fucked up, you know? Which happens with hunting too. It happens especially with archery hunting. Archery hunting is super dangerous. And it's dangerous,

obviously for the animal, it's super dangerous. But it's dangerous that you could, there's a danger, a great danger I should say, that you could wound an animal and not fatally wound it. So you have to fucking practice like crazy. It's really difficult to shoot straight. Like you think like a bow and arrow, today's bows and arrows are way easier than the bows and arrows of, you know, cowboy and Indian days or the Mongol days. They're way better.

I mean, they have super high technology. They have sights on them. The arrows fly straighter. They're like aluminum jacketed arrows. The compound bows allow you to pull like a heavy weight, and there's a let off. Like an 80-pound bow is like 80 pounds in the beginning, but then back here, it's only probably like 20% of that.

So like when you have it at full draw, you can hold onto it at full draw. But it's hard to stay steady. It's hard to keep that pin lined up on the animal. And especially a bear, when they're coming out of hibernation, their lungs are only that big. They're small.

They're like a small volleyball size. Like one of those kids' volleyballs. It's not like a big lung. Like a deer has a big lung. An elk has a big lung because they're in the high mountains they're running around a lot of time they have a lot of but when these bears are coming out of hibernation it's a very small area that you have to hit so it's not easy man it takes a long fucking time to get to a point where you you're you trust in your aim enough that you're willing to take a shot at an animal with a bow and arrow. Serious shit.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know anything about that stuff. When you said cowboys and Indians and bears, I just keep thinking how blown my mind is that the village people wrote the original. I'm a gigolo. Can you imagine how many

Van Halen fans would get into an argument not believing that the Village people did that first? And what sounded like a little bit of a catchier version, if you ask me. I sort of like that poppy beat. And to bring it around full circle, those guys were kind of bears.

Yeah, exactly. The barest one was the fucking motorcycle cop or the biker guy. They shot their arrows into each other. There's a lot of references. Yeah. Somebody said online that Just a Jiggle actually was written by somebody even before that.

I can't find it now. I was like, who cares? I believe that. Yeah. That makes sense. A lot of those songs are old. It sucks when you find out that your favorite version of a song was a remake.

Or that they ripped it off from somebody. Bill Burr called me up once. He's like, you're not even going to fucking believe this. Go look up Led Zeppelin rips off. He goes, just go look that up and listen to it. There was a compilation where they made a YouTube compilation of Led Zeppelin songs in comparison to the songs they ripped off mm-hmm they're getting sued right now from that one guy dude that sounded exactly like it's devastating yeah that's right it's

devastating you you I mean I fucking love Zeppelin dude I mean and I can't take away it doesn't take away from my love of those creations those songs because the songs are still fucking incredible but obviously obviously any song in a band is a collaboration and it appears to me that this was like an unwilling collaboration that's how i would put it it was someone else's art that they appropriated and made a part of their art and they created something amazing and that is essentially what plagiarism is if those guys had been a part of the team and they worked together you know and this guy like you know you need cool and baby i'm not fooling i'm gonna send you back to school

and you know the guy writes it all that down like yeah i like it i like it like let's go with it that would be fine but if you hear that somewhere else and the guy writes all that down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it. I like it. I like it. Let's go with it. That would be fine. But if you hear that somewhere else and then you just stick that in your song, it does make your song awesome. No doubt. A whole lot of love.

It's one of my favorite songs of all time. But that shit is almost directly ripped off from some old blues song. Yeah. I mean, a lot of the lines are directly ripped off from an old blues song. It's hard to listen to man yeah if you just type in led zeppelin like plagiarism tmz there's like one from 2010 there's one from 2014 there's one like there's just like a whole bunch of different songs and lawsuits that have almost all their songs are ripoffs that's so crazy i wonder if that's going to cost them all their

money that would be fucking weird if all of a sudden led zeppelin went broke, like all those guys were broke as fuck, Robert Palmer starts going on the road, he's doing cover songs because he owes all this money. Yeah, do you want to hear one of the rip-offs that they did? Yeah, fuck yeah. This is according to the lawsuit for Dazed and Confused. You know, Dazed and Confused. Oh, I love that goddamn song.

Oh, yeah. One of their big ones. Here is the, I guess, the rip-off version. Whoa. Oh, yeah. One of their big ones. Here is the, I guess, the ripoff version. Whoa. Wait, that's the real version. It's okay. Play them both. Play them together.

Yeah. Oof. What's the name of that band? Because Led Zeppelin owes them $100 million. Jake Holmes. This is not bad, though. Play that a little bit more. That's the only part of the show. Okay.

And here, you know, know of course the other one is all right god damn robin that's a bad motherfucker it's so crazy they're better. I'm sorry. I'm going to do the Mexican woman in the crowd. But he did it better. But he did it better. No.

You're just jealous because he did it better. That's right. Yo, yo, yo, he did it better. Yeah, I mean, for sure, at the very least they were influenced but goddamn their lyrics were better the delivery was off the charts that's a fancy studio though i'd like to see that jake guy in the same studio with the studio band was a motherfucker son yeah that is undeniable. It was not just the studio. It was the fucking output. Just that guy's voice.

The output. Who the fuck can hit those notes? Who can even sing like that? Who the fuck sings like that, man? Play that shit again. Play the Robert Plant version again. Just play that part. I'm way past that now.

You can do it, fella. You can do it. I know you know how to use the internet. I'm trying to find the new Stairway to Heaven one because it was way better. Okay, but I just want to hear that real quick.

All right. It's going to be a bit... Producer boy. Soul of a woman was created below. That was a crazy time. Talk to Joey Diaz about Led Zeppelin.

If you want to get the... If Led Zeppelin was smart, they would hire Joey Diaz to narrate their life story. To just do a documentary where Joey Diaz just explains Led Zeppelin. Let me tell you something, brother. Fucking dirty white guys from England slinging

dick on stage with fucking tights on. Tights on, Joe Rogan. This giant cock is inches away from women's faces and they're fucking losing their minds they ain't never seen nothing like this before he talks to you about like the invasion like when led zeppelin first hit america i'm doing it no justice you have to hear him describe it like what that song the sound was like like that nobody had a sound like that before this is total new next level shit that has opened up the door to a lot

of people's, changed a lot of people's idea of what songs sounded like. Stairway to Heaven and Hold Out of Love. I'm one of those guys,

I love Led Zeppelin, but I'm one of those guys that puts Pink Floyd ahead of them any day of the week. That's interesting. I could put up a strong case for Floyd.

I don't think you could. Oh yeah. Because it's better for you. But for me, Zeppelin's better than Pink Floyd. But Pink Floyd's fucking amazing. What is this? Is this it again? This is the whole version.

This is the guy. Look at the guy. Above ground sound of Jack Holmes. Is Jack Holmes dead? Because that would be super ironic. I don't know. Jake Holmes. I mean that's definitely the bass line.

No doubt. Is he sitting on his balls in this picture? That's pretty goddamn good, dude. I like this guy. That's pretty goddamn good, dude. I mean, it's different, but it's pretty damn good. Yeah. Let's see how he breaks it down.

Oh, he doesn't. Wow. It comes early. That's pretty goddamn good, dude. Yeah. Especially because that's the original. So you've got to think, like, it's much easier to listen to someone and then add a bunch of shit to something they've, sort of the foundation, than to come up with the original idea.

Totally. You know? But that's the joke thief way. That's what joke thieves do. They'll take your premise and then they come up with the original idea. You know? But that's the joke thief way. That's what joke thieves do. They'll take your premise, and then they change it enough so that they can get away with it because they made it better.

Yeah. They just add more to the back end. So let's hear the Robert Plant part. Okay, hold on a second right here. Yeah, I mean, that's almost like exactly. Except for that. Exactly. Except for that.

Well, those are the... In Jake's version, those are chords. On this, he's scaling a guitar. I've been dazed and confused for so long, it's not true. Won't let a woman ever bargain for you. Come on. It's beautiful. I want to fuck him and I'm a guy. But I'm telling you, these guys have such better access.

You would be in love. If you were in the audience and you saw this, you'd be in love. You'd be so enthralled. Especially 1971 or whatever the fuck it was. Yeah. It's beautiful. All right, here, check this out. But it's a rip-off for sure.

Yeah, definitely. So now, rip fucking off. Here is the... This one I thought was kind of messed up because this guy even toured, I guess, with Zeppelin. That's the true Mencia. That's the Ari Shaffir opening. It's called the Freddy Soto.

This is a group called Taurus, and the song Spirit, and it's the one that they're saying is from Stairway to Heaven. So here is Spirit First. Look how weird they look. Yeah, see, these are the people that don't make it, the ones that look a little weird. They wanted a pretty boy. Yeah, that guy looks like Enrico Montoya.

You killed my parents. You killed my father. Prepare to die. In Ego. Oh. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Inigo. Come on. Getting all dramatic. Dude, don't hate on the man's art. They're strange looking guys.

I sort of like it. It's scary. He's got a funky mustache on one side, and the other dude is bald-headed. You couldn't be bald-headed in 1971 or whatever the fuck this was oh god oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh my god. And she's buying a stairway to heaven. Please don't steal

our song. Oh my god. Where's this song, though? This is all music right now. I'm pretty sure that this song doesn't have lyrics. I think this was a non-lyric song. Really? Well, they got weird, but it's their creation.

They took it to a weird place. That is the spirit of the song right there. Totally. Absolutely. That's the song. Yeah, I mean, that's where it's easy. When you hear something like this and you just sort of create, and she's buying the stairway.

See, because you feel how it bugs you, or how it hits you, rather, and then you add your creativity to it. Right. See, because you feel how it bugs you, or how it hits you, rather, and then you add your creativity to it. Right. The writing, the... Oh, God, that's it. And the lyrics isn't the hardest part of a song. The hardest part of a song is that part, is that backbone, that spinal cord of what's original, what's different.

I would assume that you're right, but I don't know jack shit about music. No, yeah. How much do you know about music? A pretty good amount. Can you play things? I can play a lot of things, yeah. Wow. Can you do piano?

I have what they call perfect pitch. You know what that is? You're a girl? No. No, perfect pitch is like one or two percent of, and they don't know why, it's not like genetic or anything, but one or two percent of people can hear music like exactly. So that if I play something or if I'm in front of an instrument, I can remember where that sound is and know that it's a hard thing to explain, but I can hear the exact tone of each. How do you know? of each how do you know um you find out when if you take like piano lessons or like your people that play by ear often have perfect pitch if you've ever heard that term like there's people

that can read music and play and then there's people that can really like like the beethoven play so perfect pitch is a perception thing it's's not like a singing. I thought it was like a singing thing. It's not a sound that you make. Well, I know. Let's say that it's singing, for example. Like, I know if I hit the note.

Exactly. So it makes it a lot easier to hit the note if you know that. Huh. Yeah. I thought it was an ability thing. Like the hitting notes.

I didn't know it was being able to perceive it. I thought it was just a sound. That too. You can't make a sound. That too. You can still, you can learn it. You can?

Not perfect pitch, but you can learn how to make a sound. Can you? Totally. I mean, do you have limitations on, like, I don't think I could ever be a good singer. I really don't think I have any singing talent. Oh, you'd be surprised. Like, Vicky Lewis, who is on news radio, has an insane voice. Like, insane, like, opera'd be surprised. Like Vicky Lewis, who was on news radio, has an insane voice. Like insane opera-level voice.

And I would joke around, try to sing, and she would get offended. It was disgusting to her. Because my clunky voice, I can't just hit songs. But I've met people that they don't even sing for a living. But they sound beautiful when they're singing. Right. Well, it all depends. Everybody should just try to sing like themselves.

I just learned about this stuff recently, the singing part of things, for that one thing that I didn't get. Anyway, but you have to sing in your singing voice. You know how all the singers sound different? Clapton and Tom Petty, hey, how's everybody doing out there? He doesn't try to sing like, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

He just goes with it. And she's an American girl, you know what I mean? Right, right, right, right. That's a good example. Right. So if you sing like how you sound, instead of trying to sing like what we think a good singer sounds like, then you can kill it because everybody sounds different.

Phil Collins sounds different than Roger Waters. Chris Cornell. He's different than David Gilm gilmore robert plant yeah i knew this dude who was in a band and he was super cocky dude and then i finally listened to his music he's cocky bordering douchey and i listened to his music and the guy sounded exactly like chris cornell and when i say exactly i mean fucking exactly i thought it was like some lost sound gardenarden song from the early days. I was listening to the exact same, the same inflection. It was like me doing a Joey Diaz impression.

Yeah. Like if I just started talking like Joey Diaz on stage, like if I went on stage and just pretended this is me now, and what's up, cocksuckers, where you at, bitch? Come on. You would go, oh, my God, He's doing a Joey Diaz impression. Right. That's how much this guy sounded like Chris Cornell.

Oh, yeah. We got your voodoo panini. Ha ha. Don't. Don't play that. How dare you. Different voices are fun. That's why I like the crash test dummies.

You ever heard of them? Yeah. This guy talks like this and everything. Yeah, why not? And then the song comes in. It's like a totally different. You can't fuck with chicks, though. Chicks have the best sounding voices, in my opinion.

I mean, I like Robert Plant. He's got a badass voice. But Janis Joplin, if I had to choose between listening to Janis Joplin sing a song or Robert Plant. Oh, yeah. That chick that sings Goldfinger. Dude, pull up, take another little piece of my heart. Why are you laughing? You don't know that Janis Joplin song?

Oh, it's great. Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. Come on, take it. She was a fucking genius. Or me and Bobby McGee. That's another one. I like roller skates. She was a goddamn genius.

Yeah, roller skates is great. Well, I've got a brand new pair of roller skates. Yeah, that's right. Or the Beamer song. Or is it Mercedes-Benz? Oh, Lord. Listen to this. When I see shit like this, when I listen to this,

I see in my head a documentary on the 60s. That's what I see. A politician talking about these were innocent times. People were embracing this new wave of being that was sweeping the nation. And we were a part of it. We were ground zero. It was Berkeley. It was 1969.

And it was all going on. it was the freedom of summer put crank her up crank her up listen to this god damn You know one of the things that's so badass about her? When she would sing, the pain in her voice. Like the emotions in her voice. Like the emotions in her voice. That chick had experienced a lot of shit. She's one of those ones that would get into it too. She'd put her whole body into it, close her eyes, really get lost in it. Look at her.

Baby deep down in her heart. And she was ugly. Yeah, she was ugly and she hooked up with a lot of rock stars. Good for her. Even though she was ugly. Yeah, she was ugly and she hooked up with a lot of rock stars. Good for her. Big time. Everybody wanted her. Even though she was ugly,

every guy wanted to bang her because they're like, that fucking voice. She's got no tits, no ass in the face of a guitar. A male Charlie Brown or a female Charlie Brown. Yeah.

She was awesome. Come on, girl. Joey Diaz. That is scary. Oh my God. Is that her? Is that the exorcz. That is scary. Oh, my God. Is that her? Is that the exorcist? That's her.

She looks like... Get a good picture of her. Find a good picture of her. And I say ugly like, she's better looking than me. If I was a girl. I don't know. She's pretty scary.

Probably lick your ass instead of hers. I think you'd probably lick my ass, period. Just for a story. Just to be able to go on Kill Tony and talk about it. She was okay. Put up a good one. Throw up a good picture. Oh, my gosh.

She's a cutie. She's a cutie. If you were on acid, you'd see her soul. You'd love her soul. Her soul is beautiful. It's complex, like an old wine. She's got that face fuzz, I bet. How dare you?

Her teeth are a little crooked, but other than that, she's a fine looking gal. Everything's crooked. Look at that thing. She's rude. She's got dimples on one side of her face. If I had to choose one woman to listen to sing, she's up there. Amy Winehouse. She's up there, too. Suzanne Santo from Honey Honey is right at the top of the goddamn list.

She's got some new songs. I wish we could play them, but she didn't give me permission. I play some of her new shit. God damn, dude. Black women, man. I wonder if she'd let us. I think she'd let us play. Are we allowed to?

I don't know if we're allowed to. Black women have this thing where they have the most powerful vocal cords. That lady that sings Goldfinger from Bond, did you ever see that live performance at the Oscars or Emmys a couple years ago? She got a standing O afterwards. Who is she? I can't believe I can't think of her name. She's the most respected.

Grace Jones. Something like that. Is that her? If you look up Goldfinger. I think it's Grace Jones. Grace Jones is that like that. Is that her? If you look up Goldfinger. I think it's Grace Jones. Grace Jones was that black chick with the crazy haircut. Yeah, like that Max Hedrum, black Max Hedrum. Grace Jones, she used to date Dolph Lundgren.

Shirley Bassey. Yeah. Shirley Bassett, right? Yeah. She's a cold-blooded killer. Really? This is one where she goes, and when she does that, she's standing, and when she

can clench her arms, and it makes the sound come from Goldfinger! And she can go low, and then go low to high, her range, which is a thing. Some people can do high, some people can do low. She's one of those

monsters. A lot of those guys, Clapton, Pink low. She's one of those monsters. All right. A lot of those guys, Clapton, Pink Floyd, they'd only work with Black... Yeah. Boner. That's what it was.

Everything sounds better with a half boner. Yeah. Pull up Honey Honey Angel of Death when they were live on the roof. This video that they did,

I wanted to play one of their new songs, but I can't get permission. So until I hear from her, I sent her a text. If she texts me back during the show, we'll try to play it. Yeah, that's Angel of Death. But don't play that one. Play the live one on the roof.

Because the live one on the roof is acoustic, so you really get a chance to hear her voice. This isn't it, Brian. Is it? Okay. That's Tony chirping. That's me. Yeah, this is how I found out about these guys. They're moving back to L.A.

They gave up on Nashville. God. They heard a few too many N-bombs, and they were like, oh, we're still in Tennessee. This is called Angel of Death. death floating on the wind until I find you bury myself deep inside your heart

Isn't this an old Village People song? You won't feel a change We'll just become the same thing And never spend a single day apart That bitch's got talent. Yes, I guess there have been many others. Yes, I've treated them the same as you. I need to see them live again.

Yeah, they're moving back here, so we'll get to see them for sure. They'll be back. Yeah, she's the best. They have a new tour out. Yeah, if you go to honeyhoneyband.com, they have their schedule up. They're fucking awesome. And Ben is the coolest guy. He's so nice.

He's such an interesting, funny dude, too. He's a cool guy to be around. It's interesting knowing people that can do shit that you don't have any interest in pursuing. You get to just watch it as an observer. That's how I feel about music. Music is not

something that I ever wanted to pursue, so when I watch people do it and do it really good, I find it super inspiring. I never would have gotten into it at all. However, I lived in such a bad neighborhood. I grew up in such a, the worst corner of one of the most dangerous cities in the country for years. It's been dangerous. But when I was growing up, it was the most dangerous. Just houses getting arson everywhere. It makes Detroit look like Youngstown, Ohio. Yeah, that's a bad spot. Very dangerous. The mafia versus the black gangs and the black gangs versus everybody. Notoriously one of the worst cities to live in year after year. But anyway, we had bars

in all of our windows. It's just a thing that every house had during that time, late 80s, early 90s, because people would just, if they saw you leave your house, they'd break into your house and steal whatever. But the only area that didn't have bars in the windows was our dining room window area. But since there weren't bars in the windows, my mom had an old upright piano that leaned up against those windows. So light wouldn't even come through the windows. The only thing that would block those windows was an upright piano. So there was always an upright piano in the dining room

when I was being raised. So I'd play it and just goof around on it as a kid. But sure enough, just to show you how bad of a neighborhood I lived in, one time, because there weren't bars on the windows, a guy with like an ax started breaking through that window and broke all the way through a piano, an upright piano. If you know broke all the way through a piano, an upright piano.

If you know anything about the guts of a piano, I mean, first of all, the outside's made of crazy old wood and this and that, and it's all wood on the inside, but there's all these metal strings and everything, and they broke all the way through the piano. That's Youngstown for you. Just a guy that started, he's like, God, I got to be close now, broke through the middle of an upright piano

and what happened did you get inside your house i remember they got inside my house they stole uh my nintendo and the vcr which now would be i mean the oldest nintendo the regular nintendo and a vcr probably today's like 20 worth of stuff after breaking um i remember pretty specifically i know i was close to probably about third fourth or fifth grade right in there i know that because my first grade play christmas play was in the vcr it was so funny and we used to watch i used to i mean everybody in the family used to watch it because it was so stupid i was i was a star and i had a giant head and i was so unacceptable like they didn't want to give me a good role so they just put a star

around my neck with a string so we'd always watch it because it'd be funny and that was in the VCR when they stole it and there was no way to get that back you know so that's why it really stuck out that's gotta be a weird feeling too to feel that vulnerable like someone could break into your house every night I was scared every single night

every single night I went to bed afraid we caught somebody breaking into my house. Really? No, I should correct it. They weren't breaking into my house. They were breaking into our car, which is right by the window. I'm sure somebody probably would have broken into our house, but we were home. They probably knew we were home.

I lived in a Jamaica plane, which was not nearly as bad as Youngstown, but it was sketchy. Especially now. Now it's all gentrified. But back then it was pretty fucked up. We caught this dude. It was right outside my window. He was breaking into a car.

I remember seeing him run. My stepfather opened up the window and yelled something or something. I forget. There was some sort of an altercation. Like, hey, get the fuck out of there. And then I remember looking down because my window, my bedroom window, was above was above the car looking down seeing this guy run off i was like this is fucking scary yeah really it's really gross when you realize that somebody could mess with your stuff well it's that weird feeling too like you know you hear noises and then you think this might

really be someone breaking in this time bne's that's what they would call them kids in the neighborhood would do it all the time oh you know you know, he's been to juvie for a B&E. It was like normal. Breaking and entering. Yeah. Normal. No murders, though. Bacon and eggs over there. Very few murders. Just a lot of crime. But it was possible to get

murdered. You know, when you have a bunch of fucking creepy people that have been in jail a bunch of times and they're around a bunch of other creepy people and a lot of poverty and a lot of drugs and fucking shit happens, man. It all becomes acceptable. And then the little brothers and the younger people see their older

brothers doing it and they think it's cool and that that's a part of life and then you know, it's crazy. It's also a way guys make money, you know? Let's be honest. Break into someone's house, you steal their TV and now you have a thousand bucks. Like, holy shit. It's fucked. That doesn't happen too much in rich neighborhoods. Rich neighborhoods, dudes very rarely break into each other's houses. Super rare. Yeah. It's something that only happens if one person's got something,

the other person wants it. When you can get your own shit, shit doesn't mean as much. It becomes a different thing. It becomes something how you judge each other that's where it's stupid but a lot fucking better than living in poverty yeah yeah it was crazy youngstown a lot of boxers come out of there a lot of them boom boom mancini kelly the ghost public yeah kelly harry arroyo harry arroyo wow kelly pavlik had my favorite fight that i've ever seen in all of boxing. The Jermaine Taylor fight? Yeah. Yeah. Got knocked down twice.

They both, neither one of them had ever been knocked down in their entire professional career, not once. And they both went down twice. It was a great fight. Yeah. Pavlik was a beast. Mm-hmm. Liked the booze, though. That's it.

Yeah, that'll fuck you, man. But again, I think a lot of these guys that like the booze, part of it is just the pressure. The pressure of being a professional fighter has got to be so staggering. And in Youngstown, that's what you're taught is drink the pain away. Every time he would go back home, he was the king of Youngstown. And when you do that, you're just hanging out at bars with your friends anyway, and every single person that walks in, hey, let me buy you a drink.

It's months until your next fight. They don't realize he's a professional athlete and he needs to make time. Come on, Kelly. What are you, too good for us now? That's exactly how everybody talks. Too good for a jack. Come on, Kelly. Let me buy you a drink.

Jack on the rocks. Come on, Kelly. White Castle. A little bit of whiskey and a beer. It ain't going to hurt you. You know, I didn't know that White Castle had tiny food the first time I went there. So I got it to go.

I got it to go. I remember specifically, I was at my brother's apartment in Columbus visiting him in college. Went to the White Castle. He was at work across the street. Got a burger and fries to go. Went back and I was so disappointed because I was starving. Went back and got three or four more burgers.

Oh, yeah. Those were the days. Yeah, I had to get away with that, just making a little tiny burger. Super cheap. A one-bite burger. There used to be a nickel or something like that back in the day. And that was the whole thing. Like, get a nickel burger.

You know, but it was a smaller burger. But, yeah, how many of those equal like a 20? Was a regular burger a quarter back then? How much was a regular burger? Yeah, probably. It was probably more expensive. It was probably some kind of marketing thing. Like, no, we got really cheap burgers.

Get your nickel burger here. News. Breaking news. Joe, did you see that thing I posted the other day? Did you know the USPS, the post office, used to deliver kids? They used to put the postage on the kid, and these carriers would have these babies, and they would just take them on the train with them and then it started getting out more.

Wait, did you Snopes this? Yeah, it's real. It's totally real? I'll show you. They sent babies through the mail? There's photos of it, yeah. What year was this? Early 30s, I believe.

So people were just worried their baby was going to get eaten by wolves back then. They took a chance at the post office. Yeah, but the people that would deliver them the photo that I'm going to show you, it's like the creepiest of all child molesters. You know who they are. Stealing babies. When you couldn't track shit online, you know, who knows where your baby is. They can just do whatever they want with your baby

for a couple of days. Takes a while to get your baby over there. Are you sure male babies wasn't spelled M-A-L-E? Like you weren't looking at... Wow, that's a mail carrier with a fucking kid they would have stamps on it what does it say about the text making it illegal 1913 it was a scroll back yeah where it was 13 it was legal to mail children with stamps attached to their clothing children rode

trans to the destinations accompanied by letter carriers. One newspaper reported it cost 53 cents for parents to mail their daughter to her grandparents for a family visit. As news stories and photos popped up around the country, it didn't take long to get a law on the books making it illegal to send children in the mail. Wow. That's crazy.

They should make it legal again. Keep the U.S. Postal Service bumping. Keep them in business? Yeah. Yeah. Postal Service bumping. Keep them in business? Yeah. Postal Service is not doing so good anymore. Can you imagine if you made your business on sending letters? You're like, look, the post office is fucking slow. I can get a letter to your friend in a day.

If you have something to say to him, just letters, no packages, I can get it to him. And all of a sudden the internet comes along and the email comes along. Fuck my business. Exactly. Imagine the guy just 15 years ago that put all his money into mail. He's like, well, there's one thing that will definitely never go away.

Listen, people are always going to need to send letters in a timely fashion. Taxes, letters, and trains. Three things that will never go away. No one saw text messages coming. No one saw any of that coming. The idea that you could get all your email on your phone, your phone weighs a fucking ounce, and you keep it in your pocket.

The fact that anything is coming in the mail is weird. Everything should be digital. Well, I think that they're going to have two forms of delivery. They're going to use drones, and they're going to use 3D printing. I think that's what's going to be a lot of products in the future. Oh, yeah. I think you're going to have some sort of a box in your house about the size of a regular home computer printer.

You need a bigger one for bigger things. But you're just going to own, like you're going to use like Bitcoin to buy the directions or buy the ingredients or buy the schematic or whatever. You download that schematic into your computer, press print, and that fucker just develops it right there in your box. That's going to happen. And the drones will have little, every house will have a little chimney drop where the drone just, you know. Like goddamn Santa Claus.

Yep. Say like you left your iPhone at home or your phone at home, right? It's going to know your phone and say like, hey, I need you to print, send me my phone so you would have to put it in a box because you only have one license for that phone and then it will reprint it wherever you want it to take it. And destroy your original one. Destroy the original one because you only have one license.

What if it becomes like a clone? Remember when you get a VCR tape that somebody made off of a VCR tape and it was kind of whack? It's like, ah, this phone's not so good. It's a clone. It's a clone of your phone. A 3D printed clone. With all the data downloaded from the cloud. Every time you drop your phone though, you're like, yeah, I just need to send my phone

again and get it reprinted. You just get a new phone whenever the new ones came out. Yeah, man, I got the new iClone 6. Well, you know what would be really dope? If you could take old phones and you throw them into the computer and it eats them up and builds a new phone. Whenever a new schematic comes up it can actually extract and recycle the the components of the device or car like every day you

go like I want to drive today I want to drive a Porsche tomorrow I want to drive some you know whatever shitty but car you just can't remember by the time we're printing out cars we're not gonna even have cars anymore we're gonna have little thing that you just get in that looks like an egg pretty much and you're just going to sit in it. Destination today. I don't even know why I'm doing that. You're already in the thing.

I want to go to the roller coaster park. Do you want to go to the roller coaster park 37 miles away? Yes. You can make it so that it won't hit anything else. I'll do you one better. I think we're going to transcend physical reality. That's what I think.

They're going to develop an artificial reality that is more complex and more rewarding than the physical reality. And so no one will exist in the physical reality anymore. It will all be even maintained from this artificial reality. We will maintain this dimension from an alternative dimension that we create. And children will be born instantaneously into this alternative dimension. Because the fucking fear upon fears is that your kid will be born in the natural world. Will get eaten by animals.

Fuck that. There will be no children born. We're going to figure out a way to transcend the physical reality. So whatever consciousness is when it's created, when a man and a woman have sex and a baby comes out of the woman's body, that baby will immediately be transported into an alternative dimension as it's being born. We're already in it.

Maybe. I saw your post the other day, a Bugs Life thing. Yeah. I had just taken all my DVDs out and reorganized them and I had just looked at Bugs Life cause I lost the DVD and I don't know where it is. Yeah. I had a dream all my DVDs out and reorganized them, and I had just looked at Bugs Life because I lost the DVD, and I don't know where it is. Yeah, I had a dream about Dave Foley.

I was one time in Bear Camp. I was in Bear Camp. And I was dreaming that Dave Foley was healthy, and he was thin and smiley. Yeah, it was like when I knew him in 1994, when I first met him on news radio. And then I got up in the morning, and I went upstairs, and I sat down in front of the TV and A Bug's Life came on. And it was Dave Foley's voice.

I was like, wow, this is weird. Because he did that like around the same time we were doing news radio. That guy, if I feel bad about any guy getting fucked in a divorce proceeding, you want to find the worst case scenario. I mean, not worst. I guess worst was Phil Hartman. His fucking wife killed him when he's sleeping. But close to worst of a guy getting fucked over by divorce and alimony laws and child support laws. Look up Dave Foley. Look up Dave Foley discusses child support and alimony from our podcast because it was heartbreaking because they got him locked into a payment schedule based on what he was making when he was on news radio,

which was a crazy amount of money. He was on NBC. He was on a sitcom and he was one of the big stars of it coming from kids in the hall. He was a well-known comedian. They gave him this great big deal and the show was sort of written around him and phil hartman and uh you can't expect to make that kind of money your whole life it's incredible it's an amazing opportunity but the idea of a sitcom is it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing very few people ever get one and one that goes to syndication and what you should do is stockpile as much of that money as possible because the chances of getting another one are quite slim but that's not how the divorce laws look at it they look at it like, look, this is what you make.

You owe X amount of percentage of that. So if all of a sudden you make, you went from a million dollars a year or whatever to a hundred thousand dollars a year, you still have to pay a half a million dollars a year. Like you still, whatever the fuck it was, whatever, make up a number. Wow. That's crazy. So he developed more than, it was more than a half a million dollars in debt that he could not pay off. I mean, I don't know what it was, but I remember at one time it was a half a million.

It was compiling and he couldn't get into the country because if he went to Canada, they would arrest him. I mean, it's crazy fucking shit. He was having meetings. They refused to reduce the amount of money that he had to pay. And it's not like a matter of them getting money for food and money for housing and clothing, which totally makes sense. It was exorbitant amounts of money. And she was flying all over the country with his money and going to foreign countries and spending all this money on redecorating the house. Like he would talk about it and would drive him crazy. It's a wild thing because Canada doesn't let you get divorced

like as easy as you do in the United States. You have to be separated from each other, at least at the time, for a year. But during that year, she gets access to your bank account because you have joint accounts. So during that year, she would spend with impunity. I mean, she would try to break him.

She would try to break him with her spending. You know, you talk about it on the podcast and you see the guy was just devastated by it just devastated like that's a real extreme example like one of the most extreme examples most of the time you know it's like we were saying that that video earlier where that kid was getting beat up by that woman and he was doing the selfie and he's like stop assaulting me and then when the cops came she said that he assaulted her. Thankfully, he had that video.

Yeah. I think in a lot of cases, like when people split up and when people get angry, like people go from love to hate in pretty extreme variation. Like people who, it's like people who love each other. When you don't love that person anymore or that person doesn't love you, it's not just like you don't get along anymore,

like friends that just say, I don't hang around with them anymore. It's like they stole something from you. They stole a piece of your happiness. They stole a piece of your love. And they get fucking angry, and they'll make shit up. They'll say you touched your kids. You did a bunch of creepy shit to them. You beat them up.

They'll beat themselves up and blame it on you. They'll hit themselves with shit and blame it on you. Knowing that most of the time cops are going to believe them because guys hit women all the time. Yeah. Scary. Fucked. To be stuck in a crazy situation like that where someone who you used to get intimate with now wants to lie and plot

and do anything to drag you down. You've got to have him back and see if he's happier now because that really did make me feel very sad when he was here. Yeah, it made me sad, too. I know he got a sitcom after that for a bit. I did a comedy festival with Dave Foley just about two months ago. Did he do stand-up?

Was he doing stand-up? How was it? Hilarious. He was awesome. He's a funny dude, man. He could have been doing stand-up the whole time. And we had a lot of fun. He's always done sketch comedy and improv and stuff like that, but he could have standing doing a stand-up the whole time but we had a lot of fun he's always done sketch comedy you know an improv and

stuff like that but he could have easily been a stand-up he's a very smart guy he's on the show now with Ken Jeong and Ken wants to come on the show also so maybe we have both of them on oh yeah what's it what show is it I don't know I just I've been seeing them on Facebook's they're filming it oh 10 minutes we gotta wrap this bitch up Tony motherfucking Hinchcliffe time flies by when we shoot

the shit we gotta get you on Keltoni I would be happy to if you didn't do it in the devil's ball sack aka the comedy store

come to a fucking respectable venue and I'll grace you with my services of course bring that bitch to the ice house

I'll do it at the ice house But I can't go back to that place I know too much I know too much Tony The next Friday you have open we'll just make it a kill Tony Yeah okay let's do it I would love to do that It'll be fun and if you haven't Watched or listened to Kill Tony

You can catch it on DeathSquad.tv It's on iTunes And also on DeathSquad.tv is the other one that we talk about all the time, Thunder Pussy. Thunder Pussy, which is a fun time with the right crowd. Occasionally you get the wrong crowd. It becomes a fuck fest. But with the right crowd, comedians go on stage

and just the audience yells out ideas and the comedians start to talk about things. They just make comedy up on the spot. It's very challenging but very fun. And it's also a way that you wind up coming up with a lot of new material because you're just completely riffing. As long as the audience is cool. We've had both.

We've had when the audience is awesome and the last time it was a dog show. That was annoying. I had fun the last time, but those guys, there was a few people definitely that were out of control. We bought a little bit of the bro factory. I could tell. I went up first, mind you. So I knew it was going to get out of control.

Because if the three guys were bugging me, I'm like, oof, this is a ticking time bomb. And I tried to acknowledge them and calm them down. Let them realize that they seemed wasted right from the get. The few people that were just out of it. Like, yeah, totally. You know audience members wasted when they're like answering rhetorical questions you know you're like you know what drives me crazy no i don't know what drives you crazy what does you know it's like they were just trying to get attention that was the problem it wasn't simply

a matter of participating or yelling out topics they were they were they were like trying to get attention they were trying to be a part of the show. The guy to the left whose buddy got kicked out early, and then he just kept going, like, dude, your buddy's already been kicked out. You guys are too drunk. You've got to learn how to handle your liquor, son. Do you know how people are looking at you? You know, another thing is that that show is also 18 and up, though.

Yeah, that's not cool. Why is it 18 and up? I don't know. They need to change that show. Yeah, am I allowed to change that? 100%. Because I love that age group, but I know they're underage drinking going on. Not there, but maybe they came drunk or whatever, and that's probably...

They could bring flasks. Nobody's checking their bags when they walk through the door. Well, all these problems that we had at the last Thunder Pussy was at the beginning of the show, so there's no way that they got drunk at the Ice House. Yeah, they came in drunk. So I think what's happening is people are just coming like fucking balls wasted yeah that 19 year old kid that got kicked out it's like so sad he was just sitting there on the bench outside i'm like what happened dude he's like man i got kicked out i was like look it's not the end of the world you got to realize like it's part of being young

you fuck up you get drunk you do retarded shit and then you realize you did retarded shit so the next time you think you're gonna get into that same sort of situation again you correct yourself you'll be all right he was so he was so devastated at the beginning of this next thunder pussy the one that we just did i spent my first three minutes on that guy because i realized that if i didn't if i didn't acknowledge him right from the get then because because Jeremiah even told me, because he hosts it. Jeremiah went up first, then he brought me up. Jeremiah goes, I purposefully didn't

double, you know, I didn't want to seem like the bad guy. I knew that you would like to take that, so I didn't even acknowledge him. Because, you know, Jeremiah and I work together a lot, like at the store and just everywhere. We're both, you know, both grinders. So anyway, he knew.

You grind each other? You're on Grindr? No, we don't grind each other. You met on Grindr? No. Yeah, he's out there on his grind, dog. No. He's out there on the grind.

That's like a rap term. Yeah. It's hustling. He's hustling every day. Every day we be hustling. Yes. But, yeah. The worst is that those guys think that they're helping the show.

That's the worst. That's why if I'm first or second, I have the chance to help out the show. I go, and you're not going to help the show. You might be thinking that you're, you know, like I've built over the years of acknowledging these people, I've built jokes on them. You know what I mean? And you're going to think you killed tomorrow at the water cooler, but you didn't. You've got to just tell them the truth. Because if they think then that they're going to help the show, you've got to nip it in the, what is it, bud or butt?

The brown hole. The bud. It's like a plant. You nip it in the bud. That's what you're supposed to do. You actually should pull it out by the roots. That's the best way. Nip it in the bud. Yeah. That's what you're supposed to do. Yeah. You actually should pull it out by the roots. That's the best way. Nip it in the bud.

What if it rebuds? True. You know? Yeah, why would you just nip it? If the plant's still alive, don't just nip it. Pull it out of the roots, then light that thing on fire. That's what you're supposed to do. Imagine, though, being 19 years old and getting drunk and come to a comedy show where you're

allowed to talk to the comedians. You're allowed to yell out ideas. There's no fun. I mean, that's likeians, you're allowed to yell out ideas. There's no, I mean, that's like part of the fun when it works out great. Yeah. But part of the problem with that is

if you get the wrong kind of kids in there, especially young kids, 18 years old, hammered for the first time, yelling shit out. Edibles and weed. Yeah.

Yeah. I couldn't handle that. Fake IDs. By the way, highly recommend. See Louis C.K.'s latest episode where he catches his daughter

smoking marijuana. It's like an hour and a half long episode. One of the best things I've ever seen ever. Louis C.K. is a maniac, man. Are you watching any of his shows? I haven't been watching it. Oh, my. It's really good.

I almost want to watch it like three more times. Wow. And the kids they used in it, the actors, bravo to those guys. I mean, it was beautiful. Wow. His daughters are amazing in that show. They steal it a lot. They're great. I haven't been watching it.

Do you watch Game of Thrones? Don't talk about it though. A lot of people get mad. Oh, I bet. Spoiler alert! I just caught up on the episode this week, last night. Holy fuck. Such a good show. After it's over, you just go, holy fuck. You want to watch something great,

watch a show on Netflix called The Writer's Room and just go straight to the Game of Thrones episode. It's the two writers. They work directly with George Martin. So they're the ones that take George's ideas and then with their imagination, put it into film. It's two guys and it's been two the whole time, but they don't work together.

They sit in opposite rooms and they don't even work on the same episodes. What? One guy, they do one after the other. So one does one and then one does the next. And the reason why it's so great, in my opinion, if you watch this episode of The Writer's Room

called Game of Thrones where it's these two guys, you figure out that they're just trying to outdo each other. These guys are writing partners and they're just trying to be like, I'm gonna blow your mind this week, bro. Great idea. Yeah, exactly. That's incredible. Yeah.

They pitted them against each other. Exactly. Wow. But they're together, but they're against each other. It's sort of like Pink Floyd. The two main guys, Roger Waters and David Gilmour, were notorious. Like when you hear a band breakup, it's sort of built off of Pink Floyd because they didn't play together for 20 or 30 years a notorious huge breakup at the massive peak and uh but that's what they would do like Roger Waters

would be like you know hey buddy uh I'm the lead creative force and I just wrote this album called The Wall it's a shame you didn't get anything in on it and David Gilmour would be like oh yeah motherfucker and he would go in a room and write comfortably numb and come back with that that's the two biggest you know some of the biggest guitar solos of all time it's just a little pin yeah with his voice that david gilmore does and so that's the same thing those two guys always hated each other but they're a band and it and it helped because he waters would go check out these lyrics in this bass line bro and then gilmore would be like oh you think you're a badass well watch this guitar solo he would try to steal the song from

him you know by like laying it down or using his voice and waters was smart enough to let it all happen because that's good for business isn't like every band that's ever a huge band don't they always have a problem with the lead singer and someone else like even fucking van halen van halen broke up david lee roth left they brought in someone else they brought in sammy hagar then they brought in that other dude remember that other dude who's the other dude that they brought in for was from a good band but he sucked it as the lead singer van halen it just didn't work for whatever reason. But think Axl Rose and Guns N' Roses. Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, they keep it together.

Totally. But apparently Keith Richards talked a gang of shit about Mick Jagger and his book. Which is kind of fucked up. Steven Tyler. Those guys hang out. But they left for a while, right? Didn't Joe Perry leave for a while? He did, right?

Yeah. I think so. Joe Perry's a cool, right? Didn't Joe Perry leave for a while? He did, right? Yeah. I think so. Joe Perry's a cool motherfucker. I'm friends with him on Twitter. Really? That's so cool. Joe Perry, he's a conspiracy theorist. He's into a lot of conspiracy theories, man.

Some wacky ones. But I found a rock at the beach. And I was like, what is this rock? Is this a volcanic rock? Or a meteor or something like that? Because it had all these holes in it. I couldn't figure out what it was like. I remember that.

I remember looking at that. And there's apparently fish to that. It's like a sea stone. Joe Perry told me on Twitter. I was like, what a crazy world we live in where Joe Perry can give you explanations of what kind of rock. One of the greatest guitarists ever.

And he knows all about rock. And knows about shit. Rock and roll. Knows about geology and sea rocks and shit. Brian, you got anything going on this weekend uh tonight ontario improv friday ice house but we uh i'm going to florida with sam tripoli in august uh april 8th 9th and 10th uh tampa jacksonville and orlando good lord son um and like i said this weekend tony and and Brian Callen and I, Thursday and

Friday, I shouldn't say this weekend. Thursday night, we're in Lloydminster, and then both of them are in Canada. So if you're like, where the fuck's Lloydminster? It's in another country, bitch. And the other one is Vancouver at the Orpheum Theatre on Friday night. Can't fucking wait. Brian Callen, Tony Hinchcliffe, and

moi. Good times, you fucks. Alright. Thanks for having me. Hey, anytime, my friend. Anytime. That's it, fuckers. Thanks for the sponsorship, Mr. Squarespace. Go to squarespace.com and build yourself an awesome website, you freaks. And use the code word Joe and save 10% off your first purchase.

Squarespace.com. Thanks also to Ting. Go to rogan.ting.com and get an awesome deal on cell phone service for a fraction of the cost and all kinds of good shit that goes along with being involved with Ting. rogan.ting.com will save you 25 bucks

off of your first device. Go there. Enjoy it. Go to onnit.com. Use the code word rogan and save 10% off any and all supplements. We will be back tomorrow with Ensign Inoue returns to the podcast. The great Yamato Damashii, one of the old school MMA fighters, a real legend, and a cool-ass motherfucker. He will be here tomorrow at noon. So, much love.

Until then, enjoy your life, you dirty fucks. Tony, did you have a tour dates? TonyHinchcliffe.com Oh, yeah, TonyHinchcliffe.com, at TonyHinchcliffe on Twitter Tony Hinchcliffe.com at Tony Hinchcliffe on Twitter 2 F's and an E H plus inch, Cliff plus E which reminds me, that t-shirt's available

Get a t-shirt, you fuck support the kid, he's got talent Alright, we love you guys, much love see you soon, big kiss Mwah.