The Joe Rogan Experience - #513 - Joey "CoCo" Diaz

Episode Date: June 18, 2014

Joey "CoCo" Diaz is a Cuban-American stand up comedian and actor. Joey also hosts his own podcast called "The Church of What's Happening Now" available on Spotify.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night. All day. Boom, shalock, lock, boom. Joe, we motherfucking Diaz. What's up, my brother? You're violating state law. You got an electronic cigarette in the house.

What am I going to do? I have a question for you about a war on it, because I always have questions for you, and I forget to talk to you. About a month ago, somebody posted the mushrooms, the quadricep mushrooms. Cordyceps, yeah. Cordyceps that are in Shroom Tech and they had like what this mushroom looks like in 10 years and how it gets fungi and this is what it does to inside your system. That's all bullshit.

It does inside your system. Like inside your body, what it does, it leaves the shit. Look, there's a lot of mushrooms people eat on a daily basis. Like, fungus is a normal part of people's diets. You know, when you eat shiitake mushrooms, you're eating a fungus. You're eating something that's a fungus. You know, your whole body's filled with

little growing organisms. But no, cordyceps mushrooms are not going to grow inside your body and, like, make roots, create fucking plants that come out of your nose. It's one of those ads on Facebook they show, like, if you eat cordyceps mushrooms, this is what happens to your system. Well, there's a bunch of come out of your nose. It's one of those ads on Facebook they show. If you eat quarter-sip mushrooms, this is what happens to your system. Well, there's a bunch of different kinds of quarter-sip mushrooms, too. There's two different types in shrimp tech sport.

Two different types of quarter-sip mushrooms. Now, when you do the shrimp tech sport, it's not that you get hyped. I don't get hyped. No. I just feel it at the end. When I'm like, I look at the clock and I go, usually I leave at this time. I'm like, I got one more. Yeah, you get hyped. No. I just feel it at the end. Like when I'm like I look at the clock and I go usually I leave at this time. I'm like I got one more in. Yeah. You get an extra round or two.

I got one more in. Yeah. I got another one in. You know what it came from? It came from these high altitude herders. They were like moving cattle around and they found that when these animals would eat these certain mushrooms they'd be noticeably more lively. So they realized like it's probably something to do with oxygen production.

It's like, I guess if you go to certain places in the world, it makes sense that there's certain foods that would be good, that grow in that, to help you deal with certain aspects of the environment that's challenging. You know, like, high altitude. You know what it's like. Yes. Like, you go to Denver. It's fucking, you go up the flight of stairs, you're like, whoa.

That's like, whenever they have a UFC card in Denver, you go up the flight of stairs, you're like, whoa. That's like, whenever they have a UFC card in Denver, I'm always like, all right, here we go. Some fucking, they had Ben Rothwell and Mark Hunt, two dudes not exactly known to be triathletes, go fight in Denver. And it was a crazy fight, man. It was just a ridiculous, crazy fight where both guys almost died. They both almost had heart attacks. You're fighting at 5,500 feet above sea level. You weigh 265 fucking pounds.

You know? How much do you have to, how long before? It says six weeks to acclimate. Yeah, well. That's what they say, but I don't think. I talked to a guy who lived there who was a triathlete, and he told me that he moved there for his training. Right, that's what they did. Yeah, like a lot of those endurance athletes moved there.

He was in Boulder. And he told me it takes three years, three full years before your body is like, right how you are right now if you're in Burbank, boom, right now, Joey Diaz, you would have to get to be this level of comfort with your breathing environment and with the oxygen level in the air. It would take you approximately three years to get 100%. But you get pretty close within the first five weeks. When those fighters go to Denver, how long?

Do they go two weeks maybe and train a little bit? There's a lot of debate on that. What they're thinking now is that what you should do is not train at altitude. What they think now is that you should train at sea level but then sleep at altitude. So if that's the case, you don't have to go anywhere. Like BJ Penn had one of those tents that he would set up in his house,

and when he would go to bed at night night he would sleep in this uh oxygen tent and it was like it simulated uh being at high altitude so that's what guys are using now they're using these tents it was funny because bj set it up and he goes it was really funny as he set it up he goes he goes when i gotta sleep in a tent someone's getting their ass kicked he's setting up this fucking plastic tent in his living room. It's wild. I was just in Utah, in Salt Lake City, and that also has elevation. Yeah. You don't remember.

You just go out and do something. There's BJ sleeping in a tent. Back it up so Joey can see it. Is that Pat Cummings? No, I got it. I got it. Anthony Gonzalez. Who is he?

I don't know. He's just a football player. Oh, yeah. A lot of guys do this now. They sleep in these fucking tents. I know when they play football in Denver, that's murder. When people come in and visit, they got to fly it on Monday, and they get to practice the whole week.

The NFL does. You know, and colleges do because you got to do something just to acclimate. You got to ramp up for that shit. You should ramp up your training and your cardio beforehand anyway just to deal with the fact that you're going to. Some guys don't have to do anything. They're just in such good shape. They get up to Denver.

They deal with it a little bit. They feel it a little bit, but they're in such good shape they can just push forward. And it's amazing when you walk around the city of Boulder, per se, and you walk around and you're there for six weeks and you get acclimated and everything or whatever they say and you start getting used to it, and then you go skiing. And that's what you really find because there's a level on the mountains that it's just brutal.

It's just fucking brutal. You're only 11,000 feet when you get up there. And here's the fucking crazy thing. A lot of people decide to eat up there, and that's when you're in trouble. Really? Your body can't handle that. Your body can't handle it. No shit.

A little while up there. I'm talking up there. 11,000 feet. You could ski down it. That's when you're in trouble. Really? Your body can't handle that. Your body can't handle. No shit. A little while up there. I'm talking up there. 11,000 feet. You could ski down it. That's fine. We ski and then we get to the bottom and we go up and you get your momentum and you ski and you get... It's when people stop up there and they hang out for an hour and they eat.

They get altitude sickness. High altitude. You know there's a high altitude sickness. It's a motherfucker. It's like being seasick. Really? It's like being seasick. You just want to lay down.

It makes sense, man. Yeah. Because living at 8,500 feet, when you go up a flight of stairs, anytime you go up a flight of stairs, you got to go, whew. I never go up a flight of stairs and take a big, deep breath. But in Boulder, you take a big, deep breath. And you can imagine that if you go higher than that, go like 11,000. Like 8,000 to 5,000 is a big difference.

So I got to imagine 11 is like some next level shit. Next level shit. And it's crazy because when you're up there for a while, you're tired. Like you don't have to do anything. Just talk to people up there. It just puts your body through something. Because the first time I moved to Colorado, I didn't go to Boulder. I went to Aspen.

And all I felt like doing was sleeping. And I was 18. I didn't go to Boulder. I went to Aspen. And all I felt like doing was sleeping. And I was 18. I don't even sleep now. I'm 50. Right. 18. I didn't fucking sleep. Who slept?

And, man, for like three weeks, all I could do was fucking sleep. I couldn't take it no more. Wow. It was just that heavy. I passed out up there smoking pot the first time, too. I took a big old bong hit. They were picking me up off the fucking floor. First day in Aspen

on a Sunday afternoon. I went to some people's house over, it was Galena Street. They had an apartment. I went up there, ba-ba-ba. Want to do a bong? Yeah, I'm a tough guy.

Boom! Bam! Bump in the head, ice cubes in your head. Fucking tremendous. We had to catch a Fear Factor executive in New York. We had to catch her Fear Factor executive in New York.

We had to catch her because she passed out on the street. Stepped outside of a bar. This is after September 11th. It was the coolest time to be in New York, man. Everybody was so goddamn friendly. It was like less than a year since the attacks. We're filming. Maybe a year.

I don't know. I want to say it was 2002 somewhere. And so we're standing outside this bar. And I go, who wants some of this? Come on, pussies. Who wants some of this? I pulled out a joint. And so we're standing outside this bar, and I go, who wants some of this? Come on, pussies. Who wants some of this? I pulled out a joint, and they got crazy. They go, come on.

We'll do it. We'll do it with you. I'm like, oh, my goodness. You guys are fucked. Like, they don't have any idea. Like, non-smokers have no idea. I mean, they might have smoked weed a little bit in college. You don't know what the fuck you're getting into.

You have no idea how crazy this weed is. Oh, my goodness. So she took one hit, and she's standing there. And then you see her eyes slowly start to roll back, and I see her body give in. And we just rushed in and caught her. We're like, whoa. And then we called the ambulance.

No, you didn't. Yeah, yeah. Didn't know what was going on. She had had a few health issues, too, so we were a little worried. Like something might be going on other than the weed. So we called an ambulance for her But it's weird watching someone black out from weed You know

I told that story about that one person in college that she took one hit of a joint or a bong or whatever it was She stood up and just started running as fast as she could into the bathroom and trips over the bathtub and smashes her head Into the wall and she had no idea why. She said her body just took over and she didn't know. She blacked out. And she just started running. That should be the commercial. Weed. It's not for everybody. It's not.

Not anymore. Nothing's for everybody. Not anymore. Nothing's for everybody. Including, you know, fucking cats. Yeah. I know ladies are allergic to chickens. She's like, I love chickens, but I'm allergic to them.

What the fuck are you talking about? You're allergic to chickens? How are you allergic to chickens? How does that even happen? You can't even pick up a chicken? When I was a kid, I was allergic to dogs

like a motherfucker. I mean, doctor. I had to go to a doctor if I had contact with a dog. But you're not like that now. Over the years, I just kept playing with them. I couldn't live like that.

I couldn't live like that no more. That's interesting. It was a horrible way to live. If I went to somebody's house as a child and they had a collie or something, and when you're a kid, somebody got a collie, you're like, ah. I couldn't fucking touch this collie, you know? When you're a kid and somebody got a collie, that's it. That's Lassie, motherfucker.

That's as good as it gets. And my godmother had a collie, and my mom would go, you can't, motherfucker. You know, that's as good as it gets. And my godmother had a collie and my mom would go, you can't go in the house. I gotta fucking go in the house. I gotta see him. They called him Lassie and I would hug him and an hour later my eyes would be like fucking, I got punched in the face. Both of them. Wow. And they'd make me wash my hands

and after an hour they'd go to the hospital, they'd put some whatever in the eye and then they'd tell me not to fuck with the dogs. After eight times, I said, bro, dogs were my fucking thorn in my side when I was a kid from getting bit. I got bit in the face. I got bit in the leg. I kept getting bit.

Stolman Pinches kept biting me. German Shepherds kept biting me. Well, dogs will bite kids because kids will grab their face. No, I never harassed them. My fear. I had such a fear of them. And then one time in like Spanish Harlem, a guy used to walk past me every day in the summer,

and he had two dogs, and he would say, don't say hello to my dogs. You know, don't talk to my dogs. And we'd go, okay, because I was trying to work over the fear. I knew that somebody said, you got to play with them. If not, they're going to keep biting you. And, bro, after a summer one day, I didn't say hello to the dogs. Like the dogs were both fine.

The female came back and bit me in the fucking leg. Because you should have said hello. You told me not to fucking talk to them. So ever since that time, like, I haven't been scared of dogs at all. At all. Well, there's some people that have bad dogs, though. There's some people that just have bad dogs. They didn't take care of their dog.

They raised a shitty dog, and the dog's dangerous. That's a fact. Listen, man. Dogs just, you know, they don't know. They don't fucking know. Yeah. They. Listen, man. Dogs just, you know, they don't know. They don't fucking know. They don't fucking know. You can't... Every day we hear about a dog attack or some shit. You don't fucking know. Well, it's weird.

We're living with animals. We've got this weird animal that we allow to live with us and, you know, it protects you which means, what protects you means it protects you from other people. I mean, when was the last time you heard about a dog protecting someone from an animal? It's pretty rare, right?, it protects you from other people. I mean, when was the last time you heard about a dog protecting someone from an animal? It's pretty rare, right? They're protecting you from other people.

And so you've got a dog that's trained to bite people, which is very strange. Animals that you have around you that are essentially like trained weapons, trained to go after people. Like when people have those attack shepherds. Remember when George Foreman fought Muhammad Ali? He brought his German shepherd to Zaire. And it was this big deal because the black people that lived there, the actual Africans that lived there, fucking hated German shepherds. Because German shepherds are the dogs that the cops had. The cops had.

So they saw George Foreman as like the enemy. And Muhammad Ali played on that like a motherfucker. He played on that like a motherfucker and realized that George had fucked up by bringing this German shepherd with him to Africa. And that's where the Ali, Bombay, Ali, Bombay. A lot of that had to do with George. Now, who else did Ali fight in Africa? Just him. Yeah, in the Philippines, he fought Joe Frazier.

Joe Frazier. Yeah. The Thrill in Manila. Yep. The Thrill in Manila. That's the place where he pointed the gun at him from the bottom. Joe Frazier was on his balcony and shit getting sun and Muhammad Ali said, Joe Frazier. And he pointed like a starter's pistol at him.

Did he really? Yeah. It's crazy. You know, Muhammad Ali was crazy in a funny way. You know what I'm saying? Like he was crazy in a funny way. Well, Zaire was, you know that video I showed you, James Brown? Uh-huh.

The first time I came on your podcast? That, that, that know that video I showed you, James Brown? Uh-huh. The first time I came in your pocket? That's where the video was taken because it was George Foreman against Muhammad Ali. Don King said, wait a second, I ain't stealing enough on this fight. I might as well get a musical performance, get a bunch of motherfuckers out here, steal from them too, and I just rob a bunch of black people all at once, right? Right?

So he got the Spinners. He got James Brown. He got all these black bands to go to fucking Zaire and perform at a music festival, Celia Cruz. He got the Fonny All-Stars. He got just all these black bands. And what happened? He probably just stiffed them and shit. He probably just stiffed them too. He He probably just stiffed him, too.

He's like, I didn't make enough money. And they were going to cancel that fight. Something was wrong with that fight. I don't know. If you look it up, something happened. It was going to get pushed back. Oh, really? But he had the music already set up.

It was very interesting. They made a movie about it called Soul Power. And that's, sorry, who's the guy that sings Lovely Day? Lovely Day, Bill Withers. I don't remember. Yeah, Bill Withers is in that movie. Fucking tremendous. That was, they made a documentary about that fight too, right?

Yes. When we were kings. Did you ever see that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I watched it. I watched like pieces of it. I never watched the whole thing. Good?

Not bad, you know, as much as you could watch those. But there's a great picture of Muhammad Ali with Bill Withers. You know, the guy that sings all those great love songs. You know what I'm talking about, Bill Withers? And he's got his shirt off in Africa eating a fucking steak and eggs. And Muhammad Ali is just dropping knowledge, talking, you know, about the fight. And Bill Withers is next to him and he won't look up. He's just eating this fucking steak.

It's so yummy for your tummy, he won't look up. No shirt on, Bill Withers. Fucking tremendous. That was one of Don King's first fights. Was it really? Yeah. It's apparently one of his first ventures, according to Wikipedia, as a professional boxing promoter. And he managed to get Ali and Foreman to sign separate contracts saying they would fight for him if he could get a $5 million purse.

And then he took that and then he went to this other company. He had to go to an outside country for the event because he didn't have the money. So Zaire's president, ready for this name? Mobutu Sese Siko asked if the fight could be held in his country, and eager for the publicity for such a high-profile event, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they put together a bunch of different investment, different companies invested, some Panamanian investment company, British company, a bunch of different companies. And they all coughed up the cash and threw it together.

What a fucking fight that was too. That was a great fight. Jesus Christ. What a fucking fight that was. That was one of Muhammad Ali's greatest performances ever because nobody thought he was going to win. Nobody. Nobody. People don't understand what George Foreman was.

What year was that, 71 or 72, brother? 74. Wow. People don't realize what a motherfucker George Foreman was back then. He was a motherfucker. He could hit hard. He could hit hard, and he was like a silent Ali. He didn't do a lot of talking, but he was just thugged to the max.

He was so dangerous. When he fought Joe Frazier and picked him up with a punch, he hit Joe Frazier so hard he went up into the air. He was just a different thing. You know, Joe Frazier was no walk in the park either. Fuck no, he wasn't. Those are three dudes. Those are some scary fucking heavyweights.

I think Joe Frazier's a really scary guy With that fucking left hook of his It hits you like a fucking bomb Yeah One of that hook he had It was like a moving hook Yeah, he was tremendous Like, no, we could It's hard to do that

Like, to just come up like that Ba-ba-ba-bam He would throw his whole body in that hook His whole body I never seen Just fucking That hook that he knocked Muhammad Ali down with That was the one

What a picture-perfect punch. He would just swing into that thing. Even if he knew it was coming. Yeah. Even if he knew. Once you saw him ducking like that, once you saw him taking that little step, that little crotch, whatever that's called. He would do that shell, too, that Philly shell,

where he put one hand up, one hand down, and bobbing and weaving and coming in, whipping shots. Joe Frazier was a motherfucker. How sad was him? We used to go to Philly. We used to drive past his gym on the way in from the airport, that neighbor. And he lived at his gym before he died. Yeah.

And he went broke in the end. Look, the amount of money that these guys make, for the time, look, they're talking about $5 million purses for Ali and Foreman. For the time, if you had $5 million back then, that is a lot of goddamn money. But guess what? You live like you had $5 million back then, that is a lot of goddamn money. But guess what? You live like you got $5 million. So you're buying fucking Cadillacs and paying

for this and paying for that and meals here and jets there. Next thing you know, $5 million doesn't even make it to the 80s. And you know the brothers are showing up at the door. My long lost motherfucking cousin and shit. Listen, man, we got to venture and this motherfucker can't go wrong.

Barbershops and white neighborhoods. First year, going to make 30% of your investments. Second year, 60% of your investment. And they just hit you with some crazy speech. How many of those you ever had to deal with? Three. Oh, you get them all the time. I had to deal with one recently.

Movies, TV shows, you get them constantly. Just ear beatings. And you sit there and you're like, why'd I even come here? Listen, man, I'm not a movie producer. All you have to do is give us a check and we'll do the rest. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to worry about it. Yes, I do.

I have to worry about it. No, no, no. You don't have to worry about it. No, no, I do have to worry about it. If I give you money, I'm going to worry about it. Get out of here with your crazy idea. There's a reason why they have banks, okay? Go to the bank. If you have a really good idea and you have credit, go to the fucking bank. If you don't

have credit, I got to assume somewhere along the line, you've already made some poor fucking choices. I don't want to be involved in that. People have this, everybody has this idea that they're going to figure out how to circumvent this time-honored system of Hollywood, and they were going to get to Joe Diaz. If I can get to Joe Diaz, I know Joe Diaz has been killing it on the road. If he can give me just $2,000 and I can start this film, you know, Quentin Tarantino does his... Kevin Smith made Clerks.

And they just think that all they need is a couple grand from Joey Diaz. Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey, you can't go wrong. Okay, nobody makes movies like me. Okay, Joey? They just don't want me in. They don't want me in, Joey. They don't want me in, Joey Diaz. They want to keep me on the outside. No, you get them for your time. It's not even that you get them for money. It's you get

them for your time. Yeah. Look at you, what you're living through. You're busy. Yeah. You're swamped. There's no more. There's no more. I keep telling people that and they get mad at me. No, they don't understand. When you have children, there's no schedule. I can't count on my schedule, bro. At 10.20, she wouldn't get off my fucking lap watching

one, two, three videos on YouTube. At 10.30, I went to pick her up like, let's go. What? What were you fucking talking about? I'll be back in a couple hours. They don't know what the fuck that means. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking. You don't have no fucking idea what it is. And I went to go into the room at 9.30 to get out of there. They don't know what the fuck that means. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking. You don't have no fucking idea what it is. And I went to go into the room at 9.30 to get out of there.

I was going to get out of there early. That little bitch opened the gate up. I heard those stomping. And right there, there's no argument. She just puts her hands up. Right. Got to pick her up. Got to put YouTube on. I got to sit there with her.

One, two, three, four, five. You know, and then she again daddy okay well the problem people ask you to do things too is that you got to do this shit for yourself okay the way to do it is not to go through other people and ask people to pick you up and help you that's not how it works it doesn't work that way everybody thinks they're gonna figure out some fucking shortcut because they know you or they know this guy or that guy. There's no shortcuts in creating something.

Just figure it out, bitch. I love stand-up because there's one part of me that doesn't need anybody. I don't need a notebook. Right here, this is my tools for stand-up and a person.

I'll go to Bob's fucking coffee house on North Hollywood and do three minutes. You know me. I don't give a fuck. We talked about having a band. Somebody came on here and said that it was the toughest thing in the world for a band to stay together. You got four people personalities.

You get these people that come to you now, and I was breaking it down for you on the plane. They'll say, hey, Joe, how you doing? My name is this. Read my script. Do you like it? Yeah. We're going to get $8 million. And then you go, okay, when you get it, call me.

I really like the script. Something you're interested in. Whatever. Three days. All of a sudden, you do get a call in a year later, and they say, hey, we're making a movie. But guess what? We didn't get $2 million. We got $200,000.

So instead of you getting $10,000 a week, you're going to get $100,000 a day. And it's going to be a hit. We're going to make it happen. Nine out of 10, they run out of money for marketing and editing and the whole fucking thing so your movie ends up on YouTube. They don't have

a legit schedule so you have to work Saturdays and fucking Sundays. You know? Those people that are involved in those low rent movies too? They're a fucking nightmare. And it's their dream.

And I get it. It's your dream. But don't include me in this fucking thing because you want me to do everything cheap on my end all the hours and it's your dream, but don't include me in this fucking thing because you want me to do everything cheap on my end all the hours And it's your fucking dream if it's that much your dream do me a favor forget the 200 G's We'll get another 300 G's and make this fucking work

Well not only that you can find other actors out there that will do it for cheap There's people out there that just want to act sort of like a comic will go to an open mic night There's certain actors that just want to do something to put it on a reel go find them there's a lot of talented people out there that are not working as far as like acting goes there's a lot of fucking people that can do it there's a lot of talented people it's just the i just have a problem people like asking you to help them do it like i get it from comics all the time too just looking for a break what are you talking about you're not you're not going to get a break from another comic. The way you get breaks is by going on stage and being funny. Like go to an open mic night, be funny. The club will say, Hey,

Joey Diaz, you're fucking funny. We would like you to come here more often. The audience really enjoyed you. Next thing you know, some manager says, you know what, Joey Diaz, you're really funny. We would like to think about taking you on as a client. And that's how it works. Like a comic coming along is not going to make you funnier. And then the people that do that, they always have a distorted perception of how good they are already. You know, those kids that are asking for a break,

the kids that want you to help them, hey, man, I just need a break. If I could do a guest set for you, it would really help. I'm like, that's not, you don't go to the Doug Stanhope show and ask for a fucking guest set. Oh, Doug will probably put you up. Doug and Parker go, all right,

2.15, start, go up front. Doug will push a fucking open mic around his first time on stage. He'll do that in front of like a crowd in Norway

or something. That's Stanhope. You know, it's not normal. You have to do, it's amazing what people, you know, we weren't like that,

thank God. We knew that this took work and God. We knew that this took work and heart. We knew that this wasn't going to happen in one night. I was old enough already when I started, I was long in the tooth already that I knew this was just not going to, you know, you just didn't walk on stage and things happen. And people come here and they're called desperados where they just do, they'll come up to you for a guest and you got to ask them, what is this going to do for you? Right. How is this going to fucking change your life?

It's like I've never been too much of a hanger-rider. I don't believe in that. I never believed in that shit. You know, I believe in doing a spot. If I go to the comedy stores, I'm doing a fucking spot. If I don't go to the improv, my name isn't on that list. The hangout. There's no, for me, there's no, no, no, no, no.

Because if you come up to joe rogan red band or jamie and go hi jamie my name is joey dears i'm a fucking comic i'm a funny comic jamie's gonna say are you going up tonight because we all want to watch you i love to laugh right you're funny let's go no i'm just here hanging out you ain't that fucking funny if you're not on the list you ain't that fucking funny or they don't know on the list, you ain't that fucking funny. Or they don't know about you yet. There's a possibility. No, no, no, no. There's certain people that go to the improv.

That's it. And they'll tell you, dog, you got to network. What network? You network on stage. I network on stage. Yeah. When they laugh and I walk off, that's networking. Well, not only that, when you're a comic, you're sort of like a fruit or a vegetable

in that you're growing and then one day you're going to be ripe. And when you're going to be ripe, everyone's going to know about it. People will find out about you. People found out about everybody. They found out about you. They found out about Hinchcliffe. They found out about everybody. You hear about Duncan.

Do you hear what's happening in China right now? What's happening in China? Ari's packing them in. Oh, yeah. Every night. And he goes, I can't believe it. There's white people and UFC fans. In China.

They're coming from Macau. Yeah. Okay, they're not big rooms. They're 120 seaters, 100 seaters. It's like coffee shops. Right. But we're on the internet. This shit is worldwide.

This is worldwide. Yeah, this is worldwide. He can't believe it. That there's fucking people walking around here going, we came to see you from Macau. I can't believe it took people so long to figure it out. Ari's a fucking genius. He's a great comic. It's just amazing that people have misled.

They think there's shortcuts. We got here. What was the shortcut? If you get on The Tonight Show. Right. That's it. How many people have gone to The Tonight Show and had great success? No one cares.

A lot of people. Oh, now it doesn't. No, but back in the day, it meant something big. Stephen Wright days? Yeah. You get on Letterman, that's it, man. You're but back in the day, it meant something big. You know. Stephen Wright days? Yeah. You get on Letterman, that's it, man. You're a fucking. Roseanne Barr.

Yep. Who you had on the show recently. Went on. You know who's a perfect example of a guy who paid his dues and who's just out there silently murdering? Ian motherfucking Edwards. Ian motherfucking Edwards. Motherfucking Edwards is killing him.

People don't know. Ian Edwards is one of the best comics in the country. One of the very best. Not like top 30. He's like top 20. Maybe even top 15. He's a murderer, dude. He killed me the other night at the improv.

Killed me. And subtle. He's very subtle. Subtle and perfect. The jokes are perfect. The perfect structure. It's like he's got a perfect inflection. Something.

He's slick and loose and relaxed on stage. Sometimes I'm like, where's he going with this? And he comes back with a left hook and just blasts me, dog, like Joe Frazier. He's a killer, dude. And he's so, I like his voice because his voice kills me. That's what I like about him. His strength is how smooth he is. He's got a new.

CD. Yeah, it's on CD, DVD It's on Conan O'Brien's record label It's the first one It's called 100% Half-Assed It's really funny, man He's fucking really good right now I've known Ian since the 90s, dude

I knew Ian in the early I think I knew him in 1990 So think about that 24 years Yeah, I've known that dude for 20 at least 23 i know i knew him when i lived in new york and that was like i think i moved to new york in 91 so i knew him from then what a sweet guy great guy always been a great guy always been a great guy i like it i can't can't say enough good shit about that dude and he he's a vegan. I don't even give a fuck.

He is? Yeah, he's a vegetarian. At the very least, a vegetarian. Dude's awesome. So I got a shit in a cup on Friday. So they sent me three of these. I opened up the envelope the other day. I swear to God. What a segue, by the way.

I've done that. Shit in a cup? Yeah, three different little kind of test tubes. You have to put pieces of poop in three different ones. What's that for? It's disgusting. Why would I want to shit and mail it to somebody in a fucking... That's disgusting.

What are they testing you for? Because they test me for tapeworms from bad sushi. No, everything. I'm going in for the 50 and then the fourth, I got to drink a potion for a day and vegeta... Water, water, water, water. Then Monday at 6 a.m., I go to Wilshire to see the Sinai.

They give me anesthesiologists. They put a camera up my asshole. They make sure there's nothing in there. They pull it out. And then you have to fart once. Once you fart, you're good to go. They let you go. Have you ever had a dog that had worms?

Yes. Have you ever seen it and their poop? Yes. The white things moving around? It's awful. It's the weirdest thing ever, man. I had a dog. She had worms, and when she would poop, you would see it cut out of her

ass. On the edge of her little booty hole, there'd be little worms twisting and tweaking around, and they'd fall off. It was disgusting. She had to get some anti-worm medication and kill everything that was inside of her. Yeah, I thought my current dog had it, because every time she shits,

she wipes her ass. After she shits, she just rubs her butt on the grass and then takes off, and I'm like, oh, that means inside of her. Yeah, I thought my current dog had it because every time she shits, she wipes her ass. After she shits, she just like rubs her butt on the grass and then takes off. And I'm like, oh, that means she has worms. But no, she's... Sometimes it's just an itchy butt. Yeah, she just doesn't. I mean, doesn't your butt itch sometimes?

Once a dog figures out they could rub their ass on the carpet, that's got to be pretty goddamn dynamic. They get those toes up in the air, you know that move? Like they're doing yoga. And then they start fucking scooting that butt along with the little toesies up. Does your cat just nonstop puke all the time? My cat is taken to this new habit of shitting in weird rooms in the house. Yeah.

It's disgusting. She's old. Yeah. She's old. Your cat is 18 years old. She's really old. They get dementia, too. She doesn't know what's going on.

Yeah, they get dementia. She meows in the middle of the night. In the middle of the night, she doesn't know where she is on she mouths in the middle of the night in the middle of the night she doesn't know where she is she just goes meow meow meow and then you come out you like think she's dying like why she's like meow you're like hey fuckhead don't be waking me up waking me up like you're screaming and yelling in the middle of the night you took an instagram with you that's sweet she's a sweet cat she's very needy man very needy like if i want to get some work done i sit down in my office. Sometimes I have to put her out in the hallway because she'll just keep hopping in my lap.

I'm like, listen, bitch, I got to work. But she looks at you like you're free massages, you know? She doesn't like anybody else in my house either because she doesn't like my little kids, you know? And she remembers my stepdaughter as a little kid too. So, like, she's no little kids. She's like, get the fuck out. Everybody out. Out. Everybody out. She doesn't want to have nothing to do with kids so like she just runs away from everybody

in the house but me so when i'm not home the bitch just hides she just hides she's like where is this bitch like if i'm on the road for like five days she's like what the fuck is going on here where is this asshole so as soon as i come home, it's meow, meow, meow. Follow me around in circles. She loves you. I have a blackie that I love. I can't. What are you going to fucking do?

I've had her since she was a baby. She was a little tiny kitten. I got her from my sister. My sister had a cat, and the cat got fucked by some wild cat. They lived in the outside of Boston, like suburbs. You call it the suburbs, but it's pretty rural. They had coyotes and shit and they had raccoons would tear apart their trash and they had wild cats a lot of wild cats like

feral cats were pretty common but there were people's pets you know they were wild but they weren't you know they weren't like dangerous wild cats like farm cats they were just people let their cats out the cats would go run around fucking. So it was old school. The cat gave birth in the middle of the kitchen. They put it in a box, shit out some kittens and she had all these kittens. I took one of them. And that's Spaz. Here she is

18 years later. She's fine. I think Mrs. Rogan probably wanted her dead a while ago. Shitting in various spots of the house, but that cat ain't going nowhere. Mine's doing that also. A cat's like Mitzi Shore. That cat ain't dying, dog.

She came to the comedy store the other day. Mitzi? Did she? Or my cat? Your cat. Meow, meow, meow. I guess she just came in. She stayed in the car, but she was alive and seemed like she was good enough to get in a car and stuff.

Did you see her? I didn't see her, but my friend Josh did. For young comics, man, if you find out that she's going to be there, just go there to stare at her. Yeah. Go there to stare at one of the most important figures in the history of comedy. Draw her. Just go look at her. Just so you can say, I saw Mitzi Shore in real life.

You should do that. Because she ain't going to be here forever. That lady's one of the most important figures ever in comedy if it wasn't for her i would have never without a doubt never been the same comedian i wouldn't be in this table i would have been gone by now i would never been the same she that that lady uh she threw me into the fire trial by fire every time there's anybody anybody good at the comedy store, Martin Lawrence, when he's in his prime

doing movies, guess who's going on after Martin Lawrence? Right here, kid. Going up there to eat a fat plate of dicks and learn how to do stand-up. Put me behind

Paul Mooney for a year. At midnight to really torment my life. I did a lot of posting. And Dom Herrera and A.J. Jamal. I give you all three as fucking props

for destroying my fucking, breaking me down every night. That's how I got back up, by doing blow. I would leave there depressed and have to do fucking rock just to get back up. All right, I got another hope. I got tomorrow night. I look at who am I following. Even if it wasn't A.J., whoever was in front of A.J. would cancel,

and A.J. would be in front. It was a fucking nightmare, guys. AJ Jamal was squeaky clean. Squeaky clean. God damn. Hilarious. Hilarious. Beautiful timing.

It was hard to go on after him. Oh, it was like driving to jujitsu. You're going to die. Why am I even doing this shit? Why the fuck am I going here? I'm just going to be on bottom and stuck all fucking day. I'm not going to do dick. By the way, I got this shit? Why the fuck am I going here? I'm just going to be on bottom and stuck all fucking day. I'm not going to do dick. By the way, I got to ask you a question with Yarn Animals.

I know you don't watch it, but you got to watch this shit because it's going to affect you. I watched that Real Sports with Buffer. Bruce Buffer and his brother? Yeah, the thing and the brother. But did you see the story before that? No. Did you see it about the horses? No.

How they're juicing. If you think Vanderlei and Chael would juice to the fucking nines. You know how many horses died at Aqueduct Race Trail alone in January this year? Just from steroids? 26. Wow. Well, that's what all those, like Equipois. Remember Equipois that bodybuilders would take?

That is a horse steroid. Equa is like equine. It's about horses. I remember people doing this. You're right. I didn't know that. Dudes and horse steroids. My brother, look it up. They're beyond equinics.

Equinics? They're giving them Decadarabalan for Germans. Really? Yeah, bro. 26 horses in one month. Four weeks divided by 26. That's a lot. And then, I'm watching this, and I had to go to the track. I had to go to Santa Anita that Saturday for a kids thing.

They paint your face in the middle, and they put the kids on horses. I was looking forward to it. I'm like, you know track. I had to go to Santa Anita that Saturday for a kid's thing. They paint your face in the middle and they put the kids on horses. I was looking forward to it. I'm like, you know what? I ain't going. I told my wife, I'm going to boycott that shit on Saturday. She goes, Joey, you got to go. You already made commitments to kids. I went up there.

Third race, fucking horse died. Fucking horse died on the track and shit. The heart attack, did it fall down? Bro, they're dying on the track. They're getting hard. They're just juicing them. To the gills. To the gills, bro.

Speaking of juice to the gills, pull up that video that I put on my Twitter page yesterday about the strongman guy breaking his back. Did you see that? He didn't break his back. Apparently, he's okay. Apparently, he's okay. His body failed in the middle of lifting what they call an atlas stone. An atlas stone is

like a globe, like a giant globe, but it's a rock, and it weighs like 300 plus pounds. And this guy's hoisting this rock up onto these pedestals. And he's in the middle of hoisting this rock up on the pedestal, and I guess he blacked out from the strain. I guess he was straining so hard

that it was like he was getting choked because he didn't have any oxygen in his brain. He's just... He falls down and this fucking huge boulder lands on him. Look at this dude. Check this out. Look at the size of this fucking boulder. He's hoisting it up. He's trying to get it up there. Call fucking 911 right now.

Why is that funny? Why are you laughing at that? Because I won't watch the video, but I was watching Joey Diaz. And Joey Diaz goes like this. watching Joey Diaz. And Joey Diaz goes like this. We should have been on Joey the whole time. Oh, my God. Isn't that crazy?

The guy's okay. The guy's okay. Everybody thought that he broke his back, and that was the title of the video. But apparently what happened was he just blacked out and really had nothing but cuts and bruises and even went on to finish the event, which is crazy. he just blacked out and really had nothing but cuts and bruises. Even went on to finish the event, which is crazy. I don't know how the fuck the guy did it.

A 300-plus-whatever-the-fuck-it-is-pound huge thing landed on his body. I don't know how the hell you survived that. Can I ask you some steroid questions? Sure. Is DECA still relevant? Do people still do all these steroids I talk about from the 80s, like Anovar and Winstroll? I'm sure. If you're in bodybuilder circles, it's not for MMA fighters. What MMA

fighters get popped for more than anything is testosterone. Just because you can get regular testosterone now so easy. There's so many people that are getting testosterone replacement therapy prescriptions. It's gone up 100 and something percent in the last three years. Probably more.

Probably more. Chiropractors are fucking making a killing. Chiropractors? They're the ones who do it the most. They what? Prescribe testosterone? What they do is they get a doctor in house. You get some slug like a medical marijuana doctor.

He's retired. Slug. His wife hit the lottery. Yeah. You ever go to a medical marijuana doctor. He's retired. A slug. His wife hit the lottery. Yeah. You ever go to a medical marijuana doctor? They're all over 60. They got one foot in the grave, one in a banana peel. They don't give a fuck.

They've already been sued 80 times. What do they give a fuck? You're not going to get sued for this shit. Like that one guy that gives us the weed prescriptions that has that place in Hollywood. But he's the best. He's the best. He's the one that shows up with you and fights the court and tells them to suck his dick. Not only that, he went to jail. Yeah, he went to jail. That guy lost his practice and went to jail in the 90s. He's the best. He's the one that shows up with you and fights the court and tells them to suck his dick. Not only that, he went to jail.

Yeah, he went to jail. That guy lost his practice and went to jail in the 90s. He was one of the first adopters. But, you know, what are we talking about? Oh, the chiropractic. Chiropractic. I brought it. I didn't smoke, but I did eat a half a cookie.

I hear you, man. Don't get me wrong. I did eat a little half a cookie. Nothing wrong with it. I'm a fan. So what you do is you partner up with a doctor. You put her in the office. You go upstairs.

You draw blood. You come downstairs a week later. You're low on testosterone. Yeah, you need a real doctor to do that because you need to get all your, if you're going to fuck around like that, you got to get all your levels measured, your thyroid level measured, your IGF. No, no, I mean they're real doctors, Joe.

But do they know what they're doing? Yeah, they send you to, they do all the paperwork and you go upstairs with the test and then they read it to you. They prescribe the blockers. They prescribe everything all at once. It's just you're working very closely with the chiropractor. And the chiropractor is not some guy who walks around with sandals. This guy is 6'6",

292 pounds, fucking 90%. Yeah, if I show you this chiropractor, you're going to go, oh yeah. Oh yeah, that's the man, that motherfucker. You know. Chiropractors, that's a very controversial science,

if you want to call it a science. Practice, you know? Some people believe in it wholeheartedly. Some people think it's total horseshit. Have you sat with them for a while? They'll sell it to you. I got a good chiropractor. I have a good friend that's a chiropractor. But he has a bunch of things in his office that I also like.

He has, like, a really good massage therapist. He works on stretching with people. It was like he's big on posture. Like, a lot of things that I know about posture come from him. Like he explains it in like some no bullshit terms. And he also explains like your whole, like when people stand, this is what's wrong with slumping. I always thought slumping just looked sloppy. He goes, no, it's putting undue pressure on certain areas of your spine.

Your spine, when you sit up straight and you stand up straight, your spine supports itself in a straight line. But any time you move head forward, you're putting all this pressure at an uneven point, like in the middle of your back. Essentially, we're supposed to be like dogs. We're supposed to be walking on all fours. There's a reason why most chimps walk on all fours, and they don't have back aches.

It's a better way of moving. When human beings start standing up, apparently the flaws in the design of the back begin to surface. We're not done yet. Eventually, the body as it stands right now with the back issues that most people have from picking things up,

most likely the body's going to evolve over the course of the next million years or so. There'll probably be a much stronger version of a back in the future. Now, the kettlebell training has helped your back? Oh, yeah, for sure. Because it says, it basically says about people's backs, when you start kettlebell training, your back becomes, they use this word, resilient.

Yeah. Well, you get muscle. All the, the whole, look, if you feel someone's back, if you go and like feel the actual back muscles themselves, if you have more stronger back muscles supporting your spine, it just makes sense. If you practice proper posture and you have more muscle and stronger muscles supporting the core of your body, then you can resist movement, unexpected movement, like say like in jujitsu class or something like that. If like you get yanked to the side, back and forth, the stronger your core is, the more you're protected from that.

You know, like, like if you roll with a guy who's got a really strong core, like judo guys specifically, you can't move those fuckers around, man. Their core is so goddamn strong. So if you're trying to like lean against their core, compress their core to like either flip them over or sweep them, their core is so goddamn strong. It's like their pillar, what connects their body together is just, you can't get through that fucking thing. Wrestlers, same thing, especially Greco-Roman guys, their upper body and their core is so fucking strong from throwing bodies around all the time. And that's sort of what kettlebells mimic, just throwing things, picking things

up, hoisting things with momentum, all that stuff that all builds core. It all builds what everybody likes to call core. But people do sit-ups and leg lifts and shit. Get the fuck out of here with that. You don't need that. You need heavy kettlebells. Swing those motherfuckers and press them and do windmills. That's where you get strong core. Now, if I want to keep my weight low, do I increase the weight, dog, or increase the reps?

Work. Increase the work. Okay. So stay with the 45 you gave me. Listen, you can do 45 pounds for an hour, or you can do 55 pounds for 40 minutes. It's all in how much you put in versus how much you get out. As far as for health benefits, when you go heavy, the problem is you risk injuries. When you go like 55 pounds, 70 pounds, 90 pounds, that gets a little squirrely because you're hoisting a lot of goddamn weight.

And you're carrying it in all these fibers and tissues. You're straining. When you're doing like 55 pounds or 45 pounds, not that much weight so you can get in a lot of reps. And you get exhausted. Okay. That's what I do. I get to the point where at the end my form sucks. Once my form starts to suck, I tap out. Yeah, that's what I do. I get to the point where at the end my form sucks. Once my form starts to stop, I tap out.

Yeah, that's good. That's at 14. I try to do 10 sets of swings infinitively, you know, times 12. Sometimes I'll do nine and I'll rest a minute. I'm on a minute timer. Then I do another 14, 16. Then I rest a minute, another 12, 15. I go with my body.

Right. Once I do 10 of those 45s, I do the single ones, and I do 15 of those. Like seven on one hand, I switch it to eight on the other, and vice versa. Right. Still with a minute. By the time I get to the 14th one, I can feel my form starting to fade. That's when it's over. I pick up the 235, and I walk around the block so I can't take it no more.

Like a farmer workout? That's a good move. Just with my posture. That's it. That's a great workout. Listen, I read extensively. I hang out with you. I have a friend who has a coach, and he goes, the thing about kettlebells is for a guy that's 50, the less is the better.

But go with your body. Go with what it tells you. So they started a program at his place now. Five days a week, kettlebells, 20 minutes a day. You're guaranteed 10 pounds in one month to lose. Really? And a certain diet. And they're doing a certain diet.

I just haven't been able to do it because I've been on the road Thursday, Friday, Saturday. But I'm home the next three weeks, and I'm going to work on it. I'm going to go in there. You can either go at night or in the morning. 20 minutes. It's great work. It's great work for your body. When you do it, it combines all the benefits that you get from lifting weights with all

the benefits that you get from doing cardio. You can get it all together in one move. It's just you're forcing your body to do shit. And if you do the workout that you're talking about right there, that's a good workout. That's a good workout. That's a very good workout. And then I like how you're ending with the farmer's walks. I open up with the farmer's walk. That's a good way to It's a very good workout. And then I like how you're ending with the farmer's walks. I open up with the farmer's

walk. That's a good way to warm up too. And I end with the farmer's walk infinitely. I walk, I put them down, I rest a minute, pick them up, and just walk as much as I can. Sometimes I make it to Burbank Boulevard. Oh really? Yeah, why not? It's 10 o'clock at night. I'm not doing nothing. Why not? If somebody

comes to mug you, bang! And I like doing them. Bro, in the mornings, I park my car in front of my house, go in my trunk. I got the kettlebells in my trunk. I got two boxing gloves. I got shin guards. I got a yoga mat. That's awesome. Because sometimes I'll go to fucking North Hollywood Park.

That's where I think I got. I killed my meniscus was at North Hollywood because I'd walk that thing and then do the kettlebells. And they got that one hot corner over there that's always 150 degrees. I don't know what it is about Hollywood Park that it's beautiful. The walk is beautiful, but there's a dip where the sun, even at night, it shines. Even at night, the sun shines there, and it is fucking 140 in that corner. But, yeah, I carry. I like to do the kettlebells

outside yeah i do them inside i get anxiety i get hot i can't breathe i do them outside under the sun i blast them out like from 9 15 to 10 o'clock i'm done for the day dog my body's burning shit all day you know what i just got for my kettlebell what a bowling ball carry-on bag for an airplane because you can carry 50 pounds you take 50 pounds with you and check it. So they check this fucking cannonball. I throw it in there. The TSA is going to shit their pants. They try to pick up this little bag.

It's that big. It weighs 50 pounds. That's a great fucking idea, man. Yeah, check it. You just check it. And they get mad at you. But whatever. Sorry.

I'll bring a 35. I don't need 55. I'll bring a 35. Yeah, 35 is 35. Yeah, 35 is good. Look, that Keith Weber kettlebell cardio workout that they sell it on, 35 pounds. You do it. It's a tremendous workout. You just keep going. He just keeps going. Just over and over again. In the beginning, the first couple minutes, it's kind of easy. But then you get five minutes in, six minutes in, you're like, oh shit. You realize you got to do this for 40 fucking minutes. Holy shit. Things you think would be easy, like a clean press with 35 pounds. It's nothing, right? Not when you're exhausted. When you're exhausted, when you keep going,

your legs are on fire. The next day, you'll barely be able to touch your toes. So you can travel with one of those, throw that video on, and have a great workout. But for most people, the most important thing is just building up slow. Don't try to get it all, like, I haven't worked out in five years, so today I'm fucking running the mountain. I'm going to do clean. No, no, go light. Do a little bit of work today, but be consistent. That's the key.

Be consistent, like a little bit of work one day, relax, rest, a little bit more workout the next day, relax, rest. A little bit more workout the next day, relax, rest. Chart your progress. And then what you said, listen to your body. Dog, I could finally do a technical getup. A Turkish getup? No, a technical getup and jiu-jitsu. I could finally do it after a year of practicing in hotel rooms. Five a day, I would do on my right side and five. You know I'm a nut, dog. Right.

You do know I'm retarded. Halfway. People know that. I'm a little stupid. I'm geeky. You're not. I don't like being bad at something. And since we got the comedy work ethic, I know that you could turn anything in life into something if you just keep showing up.

Yeah. If you just, you know, like for me, jujitsu has been, I suck, Joe, but I can finally do the whole gym hip escape. That fucking, I'm a black belt in hip escapes. To me, today, that's what I do. I'm a hip escape expert. That's what I work on, you know. Hip escapes are huge. Bro, fuck, and when you learn how to do them, for six months I didn't know what I was doing.

And then salami taught me sometimes. All just taught me a different, and I put it all together on my shoulder. And now at least I can pick up my ass and push it all the way back. For me, those are little things. I wish I was better. But I know if I keep going to jujitsu twice a week, which is what my body can handle, eventually I'll get somebody in an arm bar. Eventually.

Because I got funny with comedy. I was no fucking Slip Magoo in the beginning. Slip Magoo. Yeah beginning. Slip Magoo. Yeah, whatever. I just kept showing up, dog. You just got to keep showing the fuck up. That's half a life. That's half a life.

And who gives a fuck how long. I'm not looking for a black belt. I'm not even looking to go to beat nobody up. I'm just looking to go to learn how to do. A Turkish get up. I could do with 10 pounds, a Turkish get up. I'm up to this point where I put my arm down, I put my knee up, and I just go up to my elbow and I go down.

I do 10 of those, bro. Bop, bop, bop. I don't even go all the way. I've been doing it for eight months, kettlebells. 10 pounds, Turkish getup, bitch, but I'm still doing it. Right. What would happen if I would have took 35 pounds? You know me, dog.

I wouldn't be here right now. My shoulder would be in my fucking earlobe. But at least I know this going in because of comedy, because of the lesson I got from comedy, that it don't matter, dog. Just keep showing up. Yeah, but nobody laughs at me. Dog, keep showing up.

Some people you tell them to stay home. Some people should stay home. You know what, man? For some people, it's like me. When we did comedy, there was eight people who had a chance. There was another six who were funny, but they had day jobs because they were married or had children. Then you had two people who did it as a hobby that every once in a great while they drove to a gig. And then you got three people that just had mental health issues.

Yeah. Okay. And they showed up every week, and they were nice enough, but you knew there was something wrong there. And for them, it was the way this is for me with jiu-jitsu. I'm not looking,

for them, they're not looking to be on NBC. All they want to do is one time in their life make somebody laugh. How special is that? It's huge.

And they go down there and you miss those guys. I miss those guys from my scenes in Seattle, even here in LA. There's people that you see them, and they're a pleasure to talk to because they don't want an agent. They don't want to be on movies. They're just having fun.

They work at Universal City in the daytime as the Hulk. There's very few of those. And I respect that. I respect that, man. But there's very few of those. Most of those guys have dreams that. And I respect that. I respect that, man. But there's very few of those. Most of those guys have dreams that just never manifested themselves. But a lot of them never materialized. I met a lot of guys that, bro, they were proud of their job.

They just thought somewhere in their life that they could be a stand-up, and they just didn't want to die without trying it. Right. And then they did it, and they become addicted. How many people go to jiu-jitsu? It becomes addicting. Yeah. Stand-up definitely becomes addicting. And stand-up becomes addicting. Once go to jujitsu? It becomes addicting. Yeah, stand-up definitely becomes addicting.

Stand-up becomes addicting. It becomes addicting. And it's like addicts where you see those guys that are scrambling outside, they can't wait to get on stage. And even guys who are bad, they'll see a guy who's up there killing, like you be up there killing. Like, man, he's supposed to only be doing 15 minutes. Motherfuckers are 20 minutes.

Like, what do you care? What are you going to do? You're going to go up after Joey Diaz? What are you going to do? You're going to go up after Joey Diaz. What are you going to do? You're an open miker and you're upset. Like they think somehow or another, they, well,

I'm on the nonpaid regular list, but you're not getting up until two in the morning. You know how it works. This is what you do. You're on a nonpaid. I was a nonpaid regular. You get up after everybody else. That's what you do.

If there's anybody left. How fucking crazy is that? People should know this. You want to, you were on a TV show and you were a nonpaid regular, which by law, if you're on a TV show, and you were a non-pay regular, which by law, if you're on a TV show, you're allowed to go in there and bump bitches. Give them the bell. You know what I'm saying?

Well, not only that. I showed up every night. Every night. I was there every night. That was the biggest lesson I learned about this whole thing from you. It was news radio. On Fridays, you got there at 11 in the morning. Wardrobe, stupidity, laughter, food, and then at 8 o'clock, you shoot.

You'd be strolling in there at fucking 1130 bro I respect you for that till this day that meant more to me and you didn't need it it was $15 it's not like you had 19 kids

and you needed the $15 fucking dollars I'll tell you the truth being passed as a paid regular at the comedy store meant more to me than getting on a TV show

me too when I was on a TV show when I was on news radio one of the things I love about you coming to visit me is like, finally, there's another motherfucker that doesn't belong here. Because I was always wandering around like, one day they're going to tell me to get the fuck off TV. But until now, somehow or another, I'm on TV. So Joey would show up.

I'd be like, come here, man. Hey, come here. Let me show you. This is where they keep the food. That's tremendous, man. And we'd wander around the set.ey would show up at the set and joey would be sitting they had an executive vip suite and the vip suite they had shrimp cocktails and delicious hors d'oeuvres and they had it catered a dude who you know had like one of those mumford and sons fucking facial hair things with a beautiful tie, a skinny tie.

He'd be, like, serving people shit, and it would be all these NBC executives and Joey fucking Diaz with a leather jacket would stroll in and feast. He'd be sitting there with a fucking paper plate with, like, 15 shrimps on him. Oh, my God. People are like, is that your friend?

Can I ask you something? Has there ever been a week that you caught yourself after a couple days and you've gone, fuck, why am I in such a bad mood? And you're like, I got to get on stage. You will definitely. I do it all the time, guys. Like, I fucking go frantic.

Like, for two nights I go, I'm going to stay in and write. I'm going to be George Carlin. He needs to go out. By fucking Thursday, I'm salivating. By Thursday morning, I wake up with that fucking. And Thursday, I'm salivating. By Thursday morning, I wake up with that fucking, and also I'm on the Flappers website. I'm on the Ice House website.

I'm looking for a spot, you know, because I don't call in no way. I'm just looking, you know. Well, it's a fucking, it's definitely an addiction.

Definitely, definitely. It's a positive addiction. Yes, definitely. And the more addicted you, like right now, I'm super addicted.

Sure, you got big things going on. You got that thing in August. Yeah, I got my special that I'm going to record in August. Tickets still haven't been on sale for it yet, but it's going to be at the Comedy Works in Denver. And I'm doing it in the little club, the downtown club. That's ferocious.

It's like a den of thieves. I'm so geared up for this. I can't fucking wait. But you're back to day one, which I understand. You're writing again, and you're looking at little words now, and that gets you fired up all over again. That really does. Well, right now, I've never been more excited about stand-up than right now.

I'm so into it. All the other things that I do, I love working for the UFC. I love it. I love doing podcasts. But stand-up right now is my motherfucker. I'm just enjoying it so much. I'm enjoying watching it. I'm enjoying doing it. I'm enjoying writing it. i'm just enjoying it so much i'm enjoying watching it i'm enjoying doing it i'm enjoying writing it i'm excited about it it's fun it's a fun time you

know and the ice house man the ice house has helped me a lot having that place where we we perform there on a regular basis having such a cool staff and everybody's not and bob the owner just being such a good guy it It's got such a good vibe. And these shows that we've been to, we've got a show there tonight. These shows that we do there, they're so fucking fun. Tonight's Ian Edwards, Brian Callen, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sam Tripoli, me. We're going to murder that thing.

That place is a special, like a magnet for fun. There's a lot of fun times. Fuck yeah. It's good times up there. It's everything that the comedy store used to be, but positive. There's no negativity there. There's no darkness that like hovers over the place. It's not the same, but we're at different times in our life. And what was good about the comedy store when I was 25 is not good about the comedy store now. You know, I don't, I don't want that nonsense in my life anymore, but what's good about the comedy store now you know i don't i don't want that nonsense in my life anymore but what's good about the ice house is like all the good things like an old comedy club with like

a lot of history but none of the pretentiousness none of the bullshit not stuck on sunset so dick wads come over from the sky bar all that you know all the the element that you get in hollywood that extra dick wad fucking actor element, you don't get that in Pasadena. Pasadena's just all positive. Let me tell you something, man. I'm doing the Ice House next weekend with Don Marrera. And I just called him. This is the truth, guys.

We were talking the other day on the phone and I had the computer open. And something, I go, let me see if he's got a recent set to see what he's doing. With Don Marrero? Yeah. Always writing. And, dog, I put the set on from Rodney, and I got to be honest with you,

I had tears going down my eyes. I was so proud of myself. It was so, like, I remember watching that fucking special and just getting anxiety from going, Jesus, I'll never be that fucking good. Like, my God. Not as a comic, but even as a human being. Like, here I am in a halfway house watching this fucking tape of him and Bill Hicks and Dice and God knows who else is on that.

Lenny Clark. You know, I loved Lenny Clark from the beginning, bro. Lenny Clark's awesome. And I'm like, I'll never be this good to be. And here I am next weekend. I'm at the fucking Ice House with Don Herrera. With him. Co-headline. Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, are you fucking serious? That means

more than any movie, because I remember that dream. A couple weeks ago, I'm in Austin, Texas, at the bar having a salad, and who comes up and gives me a hug? Joe Torre. Listen, man, Joe Torre used to have a routine on Def Jam where he used to talk about, yeah, I got a brother that's one of them Save the Whale motherfuckers.

Not me. I love killing the motherfucker. I just bought a gun. I can't wait to use it. In fact, I go to the ATM every night with a tuxedo on and shit. Do you know how many times I fucking watched that stupidity, that fucking BET All-Stars and Dom Herrera's? I sat there for hours going, what a shame.

I'll never be in that, not in this lifetime. I have to come back as a decent human being and get my shit together. You were reborn as a decent human being. Can you fucking believe that? You're a very decent human being. No, not at that time when I'd be watching that shit. I'd go, okay, so maybe if I do this for 20 years, I might be a little funny, but I'll never be as Joe Torre.

And every time I see Joe Torre, I tell him the same thing. I'm going to get in my fucking tuxedo. I'm going to go down to ATM at midnight and shit. Just very weird, the times, what's going on right now. Do you see people? Well, it's awesome. It's awesome. It's awesome to see the culmination of years and years of work.

For me, it's beautiful because I got to see you really early on. I mean, I got to see you. You'd only been doing comedy like a couple of years when I first met you. Six years. It was a mess. You were six years in when I met you? Yeah, probably. I started in 91, 92.

But when you came to the comedy store, that's when you got real serious, right? Mitzi Short touches you. You got no choice. You started in, you did Denver and Seattle. Denver, Seattle. Those are the two spots. Seattle was where the lights got turned on. And Denver, I was just going up.

It's like jujitsu now. I just go there. Fucking around. If he lets me grab his car I grab his collar if he takes me down so beat if I get him down Wow, right? Oh my god Well, now what do I do? You know saying right? That's what comedy was for me in Denver, but then I started doing time I started doing like 24 minutes and then this opportunity came up in Seattle. So I went to Seattle and Seattle was where There was an open mic.

There was 18 comics on open mic on Mondays and Tuesdays. Wow. There was another open mic after that open mic and another open mic after that open mic. And then Tuesday, there was another open mic. And these were all decent places. In Denver, I had a guy in the head with a microphone in Denver one time because he was flicking bottle caps at the comics. Me and Dave Testro. If I still see Dave Testro today, he'll go, what's happening, killer?

Because I fucking hit this guy in the head with a microphone. Batteries went everywhere. You know me, dog. I told him, if you flick one fucking thing up here, I'm going to break this microphone over your fucking head. What did he do with his buddy? Click. Bang. Done.

Bing. They gave me a $25 gift certificate, and I had to get the fuck out of there, and I took my steak to go. I'm going to forget that. In Denver, you had no comedy on Mondays. I had the Australian Bar in Boulder, which does not exist there anymore. On Tuesdays, I had Wendy, three minutes. You got twice a month, three minutes at the Comedy Works in those days.

Wednesdays, you had Club 52. Thursdays, you had El Torito by John Elway's up there, by John Elway's in Englewood, Colorado. Cherry Hill, all the way up there. El Torito, as soon as you got off the I-70, and on Friday and Saturday, you had open mic, you had dick. You know how many fucking places I had in Seattle on a Friday night? You know how many places you had on a Wednesday night?

You had Tacoma. You had Seattle. You had Everett. You had Bellingham on Sundays. What place had more comics? When I think Seattle. Seattle, you know, just the core. It was me, Brody, Josh Wolfe, Aisha Taylor went through there.

You know, I knew a lot. Well, they were in San Francisco. So I knew a lot of those people at the festivals and at the comedy competition. And Denver had, you know, Steve McGrew, Todd Jordan. They had some hitters too. But the open mic scene wasn't that strong. It was very. In Denver or Seattle?

Denver. But there was one guy, his name was Andy Payton. He was a fucking deadhead, tremendous guy. He's a mayor of a town. He ran for politics. He was a genius. He went to all these bars, and he got a night at each bar. They paid him a little bit. Every night, you got a little bit.

20 bucks, 10 bucks, 30 bucks, but at least you got to go on stage. Andy Payton also sold advertising and put on a newspaper. I think, I give a lot of credit to my career, to Andy, to you, and to Mitzi Short, but Andy Payton believed

in me the way Dick Doherty believed in you. Because he didn't give a fuck that I was dirty. But that motherfucker threw me, bro, on Sundays, he goes, I'll give you 50 bucks, but you gotta follow a line dancing class. In Colorado, Jack, achy, breaky heart, bro, on Sundays, he goes, I'll give you 50 bucks, but you got to follow a line dancing class. In Colorado, Jack, achy, breaky heart, bitch, and I'd be the first comic up after achy, breaky heart. You want to talk about hate?

You want to talk about no laughter? He'd give me 50 bucks on Sunday, and in those days, on Sundays at 7, I used to drop my daughter off, and as soon as I'd slam the door, I'd just go into tears, and I'd get on the 70 and I'd smoke a joint. By the time I'd get to the gig, I'd be brand fucking new. And I'd go on that stage just to die. It was like a day of dying. It was like five hours of my daughter that I took their abuse and then I would go to

this bar in fucking Arvada. You've never even been to Arvada. I've been to Arvada. Oh, you see the sign? That's where Dwayne Ludwig is from. Okay, Arvada. I've been to Arvada. Oh, you see the sign? That's where Dwayne Ludwig is from. Okay, Arvada. And I'd have to do this fucking country bar on Sunday night. Andy Payton was a genius, bro.

He had two of those weeks. So he would call you and go, you got the whole week. Monday. And I'm talking Monday through Sunday. 40, 30. There weren't two-hour drives. It was just dump bars in Denver way before the stadium went up.

This is when that shit was a shithole down there. Really? And the comedy works told him, you're not allowed in here because you're a competition. So he said, really? I'm going to teach you motherfuckers a lesson. He spanked them for about a year and a half, dog. But then he moved. He went to one of those small

towns, and he became the mayor. He became a mayor? A mayor. Now he's on Facebook, and I think I went back and forth with him at one time. I thanked him and asked him if he says he still does comedy once a month in his town. He went to, like, a town. Imagine the mayor's doing stand-up in your town. Yeah, that's a great—

Can you be a mayor for a long time? Is there term limits on being a mayor? No, because the mayor from North Bergen, Mayor Sacco, has been there fucking, at least fucking 10 years, 12 years. Let's see. Term limits on mayor. There's no term limits on Supreme Court

justices, right? Something that people don't like. It's different in places. In Ohio and Cincinnati, the term limit is two successive four-year terms. It's different in different places, apparently. Huh. That's got to be a thankless fucking job. Being the mayor of a town, trying to keep everybody in order. There's crime in this town, mayor. What do you want me to do? What the fuck are we going to do?

I'm going to stop the crime and stop people from stealing shit? Do what the mayor did in my town in Jersey, put cameras up around the city. That's semi-communism where I fucking come from, Doug. Cameras on you. In the city, on the street. Well, you know Camden. You know, Camden doesn't have police officers anymore. Camden is so broke.

There's just rampant crime police officers. So you know what they did? They just put cameras up everywhere. Everywhere. It's like some RoboCop shit. They're like living in the future. I got a secret for you motherfuckers. I knew Camden was the real deal in 1978.

I couldn't believe what I had saw. What'd you see? I saw anarchy. I've been robbed one time on the street in a drug deal. One time in my life did I get robbed on the street in a drug deal. It was in Camden, New Jersey. They don't fuck around in Camden, bro. Pensauken, Camden, that's a complete different world.

I got robbed for a pound of coke, a pound of weed. I had to go answer the people that gave me money, investors. I had to go pay these people back and sell weed. I had to do what I had to go answer the people that gave me money, investors. I had to go pay these people back and sell weed. I had to do what I had to do. I fucked up. But they robbed me, man. They set me the fuck up. Camden is the poorest city in the country, and it has the highest rate of murder in the country.

No shit. They got no cops on the street. It's animals. Camden, motherfucking New Jersey. Camden, New Jersey. We played them one year in basketball and Dennis Still, I'll never forget, there's a coach in our high school that was in a

wheelchair. He got paralyzed. Dennis Still went up to him and spit in his fucking face, dog, in high school. When you spit in a handicapped dude's face, you ain't fucking around. You want to hear a crazy crime statistic? Camden, New Jersey has a crime rate of 78% per 1,000 residents.

So for every 1,000 residents, 78% of them are going to experience crime. Wow. 78%. That's like, how much crime do you experience in Burbank? 0%? You get 78. He got robbed by Dracula, this fucking guy. Yeah, but he was probably really loud and outside.

Who mugged you? A midget with a water pistol? A black wizard. A black wizard. It's incredible. I knew Camden. I had never seen anything like that. Then I had a buddy, a basketball player buddy that was from Penn Saucon,

and I went down to visit his family once, and I left there with my fucking jaw dropped. And I knew not to go back down there. I read all these Camden statistics now, and I'm like, no shit. That place was the edge of hell 30 fucking years ago. I can't imagine what it is now. Yeah, Matt Taibbi wrote an article about it. I'm tweeting it right now.

He wrote an article about Camden saying it's called Apocalypse New Jersey, a dispatch from America's most desperate town. No jobs, no hope, and surveillance cameras everywhere. The strange, sad story of Camden. What's the population? That's a good question. What if it's like 14 people?

No, there's a lot of fucking people there. What surrounds Camden, brother? Take a look for your Uncle Joey. There's a lot of shit around New Jersey. It's near Atlantic City, isn't it? Right, right, right, right. I thought it was near Philadelphia, too. Probably. Yeah, it's across the Delaware River from Philly.

There's 77,000 people. If you don't want to get fucked up, don't go to Camden, Jack. Don't buy weed. Don't do nothing. I got tricked. There used to be this gas station in North Bergen where I'm from called Putnam. And when I became, after my mom died, I had an inside guy there, and I'd rob him once a month, like a fake robbery.

You know what I'm saying? We'd go hit him in the head, and he'd go down. We'd take $1,000, and all he wanted was an eight ball. He was a little half on the retardo side. A fake robbery? Oh, tremendous. I worked at Putnam Fuel. Everybody from tremendous. I worked at Putnam Fuel. Everybody from that high school worked at Putnam Fuel,

and you robbed them to death until they fired you. Ernie was always the shift manager. Ernie had kids. He went to the fucked-up building. I love cocaine, man. Me and my wife love it. His wife was like 400 pounds. She didn't work.

You know, he had to bring home fucking almond joys, that type of shit. He worked at a gas station to live in a terrible apartment But they were cocaine heads and I was 16 and I had worked in Easton many to April and I go already How can we do this? How can we make this happen? And one day he's like you can fake rob me all right He's like Dog you know how many times I fake robbed Ernie how about six times

fact there's a kid in Florida that has a story that I showed up at his house one night with a diagram because you had to rob him the same way. Right. You had to go around the building. There was cameras in the front in those days. You had to go around to the back, ring the bell. When he come out, he had to attack. I couldn't be the same guy all the time that robbed him.

But you were going to be fine. You weren't going to get arrested. Just take the walk with me. Trust me. And he always, until now, whenever he goes to the comedy shows, he goes going to get arrested. Just take the walk with me. Trust me. And he always, till now, whenever he goes to the comedy shows, he goes,

I remember Coco coming home one day with a diagram. I was going to rob a gas station like a football player. He goes, it was brilliant. I'd rob Ernie once a fucking every six weeks, dog.

Wow. And you had to hit him. You had to kick him in the stomach and shit and smack him so he would bleed. And the cops, they would say,

Ernie, nobody gets robbed like this. What do you want me to tell you? They know I'm a fucking idiot. Bro, we would rob him once every six weeks. And finally it ended. I didn't bring him the eight ball. When that, I just did his eight ball. He got pissed off at me and that was it.

Being around shady people like that, growing up around shady people, gives you such a different flavor to life. Just as an extra element when you look back. At the time, it's probably a little dangerous, but when you look back on it and laugh, there's so many. I used to work at this gas station.

I worked at a gas station for a little while, and there was this old guy that used to come in the gas station, this old dude who had one of those classic bald guys who's bald up top with the hair on the side. It looked like, you know, you see a guy like that, you think he's like a normal guy, probably an off. off no this guy used to drive this souped up buick and he was a total pervert and all he could do was talk about pussy this old man talking about pussy like gray hair on the sides of his head just talking about fingering chicks fucking like he

was a madman but being around that guy made me realize that like i see a dude like an old dude who's bald with the fucking hair on the side. And I say, well, there's probably a nice gentleman. Like, no, it's an old pervert driving a hot rod Buick fingering chicks. You realize you're around people like that. You know that there's something else. Like there's possibilities. There's, there's a lot of different kinds of people in life. And sometimes just cause someone looks like someone that you've sort of already met before, like, oh, yeah,

I know that type. No, you don't. You have no idea. Look at Ted Bundy. That was how Ted Bundy got all those girls. He looked like a normal, handsome guy.

He didn't look like some Ed Gein fucking psychopath with, you know, creepy little beady eyes, weird strange man with strange yellow teeth. The guy who wanted to catch you up

and turn you into a lamp. No, he looked like a guy that you'd want to date. Remember Mark Harmon playing him? Yeah. That was a good one. He escaped from the jail and fucking asked me through a window. For a while, I thought I was crazy, dog, because I lived everywhere where Ted Bundy lived. For a while, I thought I was crazy.

I lived in Snowmass Village. He killed the chick. He kidnapped her from the Willowbrook Hotel Holtkow, whatever in Snowmass Village. And then we lived in Seattle. That's where he did most of his damage. That was Seattle? Didn't he do some in Florida too? Florida was at the end, the dormitory.

Oh, that was the end? I think. Look it up. Something. For a long time, I'm like, maybe I'm fucking crazy, dog. Yeah. I keep living everywhere. And I mean, in Snowmass, I mean, yeah, he escaped from the Aspen fucking jail.

Ted Bundy, that was a scary one. That guy used to pick up girls and take them for rides in his car, and they realized there was no doorknob on their side. They would go to reach for, like, the door to open it. There's no doorknob. He had the doorknobs removed on the side of his car. 2002 film, Ted Bundy. If you look at him, he's a handsome guy.

Normal-looking dude. Is he still alive? No, they launched him. Did they kill him? Yeah, he was in Aspen. Remember, they launched him, and they celebrated his death in all the towns where he killed people.

They had happy hours. They had drinks to Bundy and shit. Yeah, January 24th, 1989, they killed him. He was age 42 at the Florida State Prison. Did he represent himself? He was an attorney by law. I don't know. I think he was, he didn't take the test or something.

He did a lot of crazy shit, man. Fuck yeah. He killed a lot of girls, man. He revisited his secondary crime scenes for hours at a time, grooming and performing sexual acts with the decomposing corpses until putrefaction and destruction by wild animals made further interaction impossible. He decapitated at least 12 of his victims and kept some of the severed heads in his apartment for a period of time as mementos. On a few occasions, he simply broke into dwellings at night and bludgeons his victims as they slept. Man.

They first got him in 1975 for aggravated kidnapping and attempted criminal assault. And then he became a suspect in a progressively longer list of unsolved homicides in multiple states. Fuck. Colorado and Florida. God damn. Florida finally launched them, correct? Yep.

And that's where he killed the dormitory. That's where he got the girls and the dormitory. University of Florida, right? Gainesville? Wasn't it in Gainesville or something like that? Yeah, there's a lot of those fucking guys out there, man. It's like, what turns a guy like Ted Bundy into someone who would do that shit? Damn, have you seen his morgue pics?

Ugh. Morgue pics? Yeah, when he got executed, I guess. They have pics of it? Yeah, it's like,

there's a color one, there's a black and white one. The problem with morgue pics is who the fuck knows if that's real. Yeah. Yeah, who knows?

Yeah, he didn't look good. Shaved his head too. Yeah, top of his head looks like it blew up or something. That's what they do when they're cooking you. Yeah. Scary shit, man.

It's just scary shit that someone could be like that. That motherfucker killed cats when he was six. Yeah. Yeah. Killed dogs and shit. Tortured. Michael victim and shit. He fucking...

Yes, he does. He's bludgeoning women in their fucking sleep and raping corpses. What the fuck happens to people, bro? Yeah, that is the question. What the fuck happens to people? What is it about people that a switch can go off and then boom, all of a sudden

you're Dylan Klebold in Colorado shooting up your school. What is it? What combination of chemicals and behavior and life, what combinations of curveballs and shitty genetics and all sorts of different things caused someone to be that way? His beetle was on display in a museum recently,

and they found in it, they found a bunch of items that were in it. One was a crowbar, garbage bags, an ice pick, a flashlight, torn strips of sheeting, a knit ski mask, handcuffs, and a strange mask made from pantyhose. What the fuck? And in Florida. As if living in Florida wasn't bad enough. You got to deal with that guy running around. Imagine if Ted Bundy

was alive today. That would be like 90% of Nancy Grace's show. Ted Bundy in Florida. Florida's a wild fucking place to do stand-up, too. That's one of the wildest spots. I was thinking that

the other day, like that Hollywood improv, the improv in Fort Lauderdale, Hollywood, Florida, that fucking improv is one of the wildest clubserdale, Hollywood, Florida, that fucking improv is one of the wildest clubs in the goddamn country. That's Brian Cowan's

favorite place to perform. He's like, they're off the chain. They're off the chain. They're animals. I was just there a couple months ago. Were you?

Four months ago. Who'd you do it with? My son. Did you bring anybody with you? No, no. They were like, no, you have to pay like $800 for a hotel

to bring a feature. What? To the casino because they put you in the casino. They don't give you a second hotel room? No. You've got to make them give you a a hotel to bring a feature. What? To the casino because they put you in the casino. They don't give you a second hotel room? No. You've got to make them give you a second hotel room. I know.

They have hotel rooms. I thought it was in a casino. It was going to be boring. It wasn't that bad. It was pretty good as a matter of fact. I had a good time. Yeah, it's a fun gig. I had a great time.

I really did have a good time. If you're living around there, that Hard Rock, that's a decent casino. That's a place. Yeah, no, no. It was great. It's not like those places where they used to do King of the Cage at back in the band days. Did you ever go to one of those with me? No, I didn't.

Eddie Bravo and I went to a bunch of them. Eddie used to work for the King of the Cage. Right, King of the Cage. He was the commentator. So we would travel sometimes to these gigs. We're in the middle of fucking, I mean, nowhere. These weird Native American casinos were the only places where you could do it because they had sovereignty over their own land. So even though MMA was banned in

California at the time, they could still put on fights at these casinos. And that's when people started to wake up because they're like, why are we making this illegal? You know how much fucking money these people are making? Because you would go to the middle of nowhere. I mean, hours and hours drive. And there would be thousands of people there for an event. All people we knew, you know, people we knew from jujitsu, guys we trained with, guys we knew that were like the tap out guys in the early days. And we would go there and they'd have these outdoor arenas, like these outdoor, like seated state. Most of the time, no cover over it. If it rained, the fights kept going. They made a whole DVD called Wet and Wild

where they let it rain. It was fucking pouring out. And in the middle of these crazy torrential downpours, dudes were fighting. It's not a bad idea. It's the dumbest idea

of all time. Come on. You see two guys blasted out in the rain. But you had no traction at all. You would throw a punch. You would fucking go flying

because they had one of those old school vinyl floors. If it was a canvas floor it would still be slippery but it would be less slippery but this shit wasn't canvas this shit was like like vinyl so it was like a swimming pool it's like slip and slide it really was like trying to have a kickboxing match on slip and slide dudes would be falling their knees get blown, falling on top of each other. It was like one of the sloppiest MMA cards ever. But kind of fun because it's a piece of history. I don't think they should ever do it again, but it's good that it exists.

I think this is probably a pull down from YouTube if we put a video on our... That's funny. If you ever go to Boulder again, Doug, make sure you go to Naropa Institute. Naropa Institute? What is that? That's a cool mother... What is it? And I miss that place.

It's a Buddhist college. Really? I went there on a Monday. I used to go there when I was fucked up in the head, right? I thought... I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I was confused. After prison, I didn't know. I wanted to do with my life. I was confused. After prison, I didn't know. And I would go there on Mondays and walk, meditate. I learned how to meditate

there. I went to a seminar. I seen Allen Ginsberg there. And, you know, it's all vegetarians. I went to a massage therapist there. It was tremendous. The only time I ever allowed myself, she stunk so bad. But the massages were so good. But I could smell her fucking armpits and the hummus on there.

It was fucking horrid. But they were the nicest fucking people in the world, and they always have a course that you'll look at and go, huh. Like a class they're teaching? Like, you know what, man? I was young. I was maybe 30. I didn't know.

Right before comedy, I was frustrated. I was married. I didn't know, and I would go there. I remember taking like a humanitarian course, you know, and just. But it was so. I think now it would be more interesting to me because now I've gained more knowledge. I know who the fuck I am. Right.

So if you ever go there again, I never mentioned it to you. My friend owns a cafeteria. And it's a vegetarian cafeteria. But every once in a while, he's a Spanish dude. He whips up some badass shit. Lenny. Yeah? Yeah, man. It was weird how he took over it. And I always forget to tell you about that. I don't know if you ever go back to Boulder.

But if you do, check it out. Yeah, I'll check it out. Even go on the webpage and just look. They always have some fucking genius going through there, dropping badass knowledge. Listen, if you want to see the stones, you go to the garden. If you want to see a good fight, you go to the garden.

If you want to see a smart, keen, badass motherfucker drop knowledge, go to Naropa. Really? Go to Boulder. Yeah. Boulder's got some fucking, you know, we met, look, bro, they have elite martial artists. They have elite MMA guys in Boulder. They got a float tank business. They have a float artists. They have elite MMA guys in Boulder. They got a float tank business. They have a float tank.

They have everything in Boulder. I mean, that's an astronaut school. So there's people who have... It's amazing the quality of people I met in Boulder that I judged that I was blown away by. No, it's a great town. It's one of the best towns in the country. Just because when you meet a physicist and he meets a guy like me, he looks down on me in Boulder, those motherfuckers talk to you.

And then they tell you about, I've stabbed a motherfucker one time. You're like, what? You went to Yale. You got a fucking master's from Harvard. Yeah, you know, one time some guy, you know, because they're fucking so extreme. Just because they're geniuses in that level doesn't mean they're nerds, bro. Especially if they move to Boulder, they might be hunters. Like, I know a guy that was a fucking brilliant dude, but he was like a racist.

He was a racist? He was like a KKK racist. Really? I believe it because he was that eccentric, Joe. You posted something the other day, six geniuses who were perverts. Yeah. What doesn't, Bro, when you become that deep, I would

go to Narope and listen. The Ginsberg is one of the guys I remember. I probably went to four seminars there to listen to people speak. Everybody had samples on. Everybody was vegan. But I grasped a lot of fucking different things, man, that helped me.

I remember going there one time and going, maybe the Cato Collision is bullshit. The way this motherfucker was dropping it. Right. They weren't asking you to donate. They weren't asking you to join. They didn't want you to be rich or gear. I knew a Dalai Lama was going there.

Dalai Lama's always swinging in Boulder. Well, he used to. Somebody from that tribe goes to that Naropa. No shit. Very interesting, bro. Oh, and I always forgot to ask you, in your travels, did anybody ever approach you and say, I'm somebody from Naropa? No, so it's a Buddhist university?

It's like, look it up. Buddhist college? How do you spell it? N-A-R-O-P-A. Very fucking cool. N-A-R-O-P-A. And even then, I had like the mind of a fucking thief. Naropa University.

And they were getting through to me. Like, I was like, wow, these fucking people are cool as shit. Because when you, you make judgment. You're like,

oh, just because this guy went to Harvard or whatever, he's not going to be interested in smoking a joint. Oh, this motherfucker has got a pound in his suitcase

under the microscope. You know, like he grew it or something. You're like, wow. Yeah, I went to an ashram when I was in Boulder. There was an ashram in the mountains, like a Buddhist ashram. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People just meditate up there in the mountains and kill bugs. You know, Buddhists are not supposed to kill bugs.

This lady had bug spray. I go, what are you doing? She goes, we have an ant problem. I know, Buddhists are not supposed to kill bugs. This lady had bug spray. I go, what are you doing? And she goes, we have an ant problem. I go, wait a minute. You're a Buddhist. You're not supposed to be spraying fucking bugs. Like, that's, like, convenient. It's very convenient of you that you spray an ant medication

or ant poison out. You're not supposed to do that. What did she say? She says, yeah, well, it's very unfortunate, but we really have, you you know cleanliness issues and it's like oh listen you're not supposed to kill fucking ants like that's half the like how about vegans that have cats guess what fuck face you're not a vegan okay if you have a cat and you're a vegan and you're feeding your cat cat food you're feeding your cat murdered animals. You are buying murdered animals.

You yourself, you yourself are responsible for the death of animals. Period. Fact. Jamie Kilstein, all you fucking people that are vegans and post photos of your cats, those cats are murderers. That's the only thing cats do. If you have a cat and you try to feed your cat vegan cat food, they fucking go blind. They start shitting themselves, start walking into walls. They don't get enough protein. You can't feed them vegan cat food. Yeah, they can't exist. Like, you go to forums, like vegan cat forums.

It's hilarious because post after post you see people saying, well, I've finally given in and I had to start feeding my cat regular cat food. Of course you did. He's a little murderer. Your cats are murderers. You're a person who believes that animals shouldn't die, but you're contributing to those animals dying

so that you feed your animal that kills animals. Do you understand how crazy this all is? That highlights the whole hypocrisy of the idea of not taking life. You take life. Everybody takes life. everybody takes life like take like takes life life takes life whether you like it or not unfortunately and it doesn't mean that you can't be a really good person and have a cat and only contribute to a certain amount of cat murder because look at these cats here next dirtyred down, but still dirty monsters at heart.

You know, the idea behind it is hilarious. And I don't mean to single out. The reason why I did it is because so many vegans that I've run into who are these self-righteous fuckers will take pictures with their cats. Like, look at you. That's not being a vegan. You're spending money to get animals killed. That's a fact. Unless you're out there,

unless you just let your cat forage for itself, then you just live with a murderer. You're a vegan who lives with a murderer. But if you're a vegan and you're out there buying cat food, guess what, dude? You ain't a vegan.

This is going to be a bit, I hope so, because I'm dying to laugh in your fucking face right now. You are hysterical right now. Because I actually, this and the vegans, it's getting deep with you lately. It makes me angry.

We're going to war with these motherfuckers. We're going to war. Let's go to war. We're going to war like Tony Montana when he tells my mother we're going to war. He's like, what? We're going to war against self-righteousness. That's what it is.

It's people, they miss the big picture. Look, man, when you worked at Fear Factor, I'm sure there were some really cool people. And then there were some real fucking douchebags. When we went to Boulder, let me tell you something, man. There were some lovely people in Boulder. Brilliant. Brilliant.

And then again, there's the people who are, there's people out there, 60% of these people that pick a fucking hobby or whatever the fuck they call it, it's a hobby, bro. It's a social activity anymore. Religions have become a social activity. You understand me? Nobody becomes, you know, somebody does something, it's because they really believe in it. They really want to do it.

Not anymore, dog. Not anymore, dog. People join something just to be a part of something. It's a social whatever. That's a lot of it. I see it every fucking day. Social brownie points. I see it every day.

Yeah, to take the high ground. I'm bored. I'm lonely. What am I going to do? I got three windows. I might be gay. I might save cats. You know, I was in Hollywood one day, and I'm eating, and there was a guy behind me,

and he was gay, and I'm like and there was a guy behind me and he was gay. And I'm like, this guy cannot be this gay, Jimmy. Jamie, this guy cannot be this gay. Why can he not be that gay? Because nobody's that gay. But there are people. Not that gay. This guy was that gay.

Like, too gay. Like, oh, my God. The whole thing. The cologne. The scarf around the neck. You know those guys that overdo it? The guy I kidnapped. Not Vela. But the guy I kidnapped, my partner that was going to

kidnap me? Yes. I should stab myself every day for having him as my partner. He had everything a guy needed to be a guy. He had a pit bull. He had a black car with tinted windows and a loud stereo. He had a motorcycle. He had a tattoo.

He hung out at strip clubs. He was that guy. He was the common guy. You know, who's your connection? I can't tell you that right now. Shut the fuck up. You know, he was that guy. You know, it's the same thing in life now.

I see it every day. People, they're hobbyists, bro. They're hobbyists. This is a hobbyist until the next mind fuck comes up. You know, they dive into something. It's a yoga club. They go there. It's socially yoga club. They go there. It's socially, man.

It's socially. God forbid you don't walk in the street anymore. Remember when we were kids? When you ever go to a prom? What do you call those parties in college? Cake party? Yeah. Rat party?

Whatever. You go to a cake party. How do they salute you people? It's an American thing. With the fucking Budweiser. With the label. Because God forbid you can't see a label. They shake your hand.

It's like a thing. Go and walk the streets in the morning. So they're holding up a label to let you know they're in a certain group. I'm drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon. Look. I got it out there. I'm very ironic. Okay, but now it's turned into Starbucks.

God forbid a human being doesn't have a Starbucks cup in their hand by 8 o'clock in this society. God forbid if you work in an office and six people every day walk in with a mocha, soy, almond, you know, gluten-free, sperm-free

fucking double latte. God forbid the guy who walks in with a 7-Eleven cup of coffee. Right. You know what I'm saying? He's a loser. What, are you poor? We all have to fucking have that Starbucks cup. You know, is Starbucks that fucking great, really?

Well, you know what Starbucks is these days? I mean, nothing wrong with coffee, but what a lot of people are buying is like a super sweet shake. You're buying a super sweet shake that has caffeine in it, whipped cream in it, and fucking all those venti things that people buy, those blended things, ice blended, vanilla, soy. It's a shake. It's a shake with drugs in it. No offense, dog.

I'm from Jersey. Give me that motherfucker black because where I come from, black is beautiful like Kansas, New Jersey. Don't touch that! When you go to Jersey in the mornings, you drove a limo, you know what it's like when you go in. Can you imagine going into your diner in Boston and going, you know what, let me get some soy milk. They would throw that fucking black coffee at you.

For 2,000 years, America drank a fucking, from a cup that looked like a bowling ball, like a helmet that they put in Mars. Yeah. Yeah. Like a fish tank. And you got it with, what did you used to do?

Regular. What was your regular coffee when you were growing up? Cream and sugar. A little bit of cream. A little bit of cream. A little bit of sugar. A couple. Light, whatever the fuck.

That's it. If you go to Dunkin' Donuts, you'll ask for a regular coffee. They give it to you with cream and sugar. Come on. Yeah. Today still? Yeah. Yeah.

For sure. Yeah. Ask for it. Like, there's places where you can go to this day. Fucking tremendous. Have a regular coffee. They'll pour the cream in for you, pour a couple dashes of sugar. For 36,000 years, Americans ate a butter roll.

Every motherfucker in the East Coast ate a butter roll. That's it. Fuck the egg. Fuck the gluten. Fuck the protein. Bagels with butter. Bagels with butter. That was every fucking corner in New York City would have like, they would sell those

wrapped up rolls with butter, already buttered, or wrapped up bagels, already buttered. Fucking amazing. Yeah, you just needed some calories. No, but now it's like, if you don't have a Starbucks fucking coffee, so that lady you met in Boulder, because let me tell you one thing about Boulder, I believe. Boulder had a lot, Boulder specializes in one thing about Boulder, I believe. Boulder specializes in one thing. They specialize if you're serious about your health and your life,

the value of your life. People who value their lives, like somebody who lives in a big city, and one day he has a heart attack at 33 and he's a stockbroker. And yeah, he's got $30 million in the bank, but he's fucking 33. Those guys, when they go, it's over,

and they move to Bowling, they open up a bookstore on Pearl Street. You don't know. You walk by there and go, how does this fucking make a living? It's people who want to enhance their lives. Well, people realize you don't have to be around as many goddamn people. I did Kevin and Bean yesterday,

so I was up at 5.50. I was in my car by 6 a.m., driving on the highway. Packed. Packed. Packed. Fucking 30 miles an hour going down the 101. It's 6 o'clock in the morning.

It's madness. God forbid you get there at 7.30 or 8. It's death. It's hot death for a dozen miles. And there's too many motherfuckers, man. It's not good for you. It's not good for you. If you have to live here, I totally understand. But you and I don't. We don't have to live here. We're on the road all the time. I'm going to start Skyping shit in. I'm going to put Jamie in a

goddamn fish tank. I'm going to start Skyping from the middle of nowhere. I'm going to figure out how to do that. Ari Shaffir does that. When he does that Punch Drunk podcast, he's in New York and they're over here. He Skypes. He's in a little corner, a little fucking square. It's amazing how when I get on a plane, when I travel, I get to 6 a.m. because, let me tell you something, bro, and you're going to look at me and say, no way, there's a huge difference

on the 405 from 10 to 6 and 10 after 6. It's miraculous. Oh, yeah. It's something you've never seen, and I'll do it with you. I'll go there five days and later with the camera and go, you ready? That's 10 to 6. You see it moving? Yeah.

Watch 10 after 6. Clank. Clank. Look at that HOV lane. Look at that motherfucker. Stuck. Yep. Stuck.

HOV. Nine motherfuckers in a car. Stuck. No, man. I get in that fucking car at 445. You know it takes me 20 minutes to get to fucking the 405 at 4 in the morning, 5 in the morning? Oh, yeah. 25 minutes.

Nothing. It's beautiful. It's a studio city. 4 in the morning. It's beautiful. Unbelievable. I get to the fucking airport. I park in the 3 right by the elevator.

I'm in and out of there. You know what I do sometimes if I got a wild hair up my ass? I'll take my car up into the mountains. Like, you ever go up Angeles Crest Highway? I don't know that. Angeles Crest up into the mountains. Like, you ever go up Angeles Crest Highway? I don't know that. Angeles Crest Highway off the 210. If you go off the 210 and, like, driving from, like, this studio towards Pasadena, if you went up through the 118 to the 210,

there's an area called the Angeles Crest Highway, and you take it up into the mountains, just a two-lane road. If you go up there at, like, 5 o'clock in the morning, 6 o'clock in the morning, it's fucking dead empty. And right when the sun starts to come up, just a two lane road. And if you go up there at like five o'clock in the morning, six o'clock in the morning, it's fucking dead empty. And right when the sun starts to come up, just drive, just drive up there, just drive up there and see the mountains and the hills. And there's not a fucking soul in sight. When you could do that, when you can get on the highway

and you see like one car a mile up and one car like a mile back, and that's it, just you three motherfuckers. And if one guy going this way, one goes, go it's like relaxing it gives you a feeling of peace because you're so constantly concentrating on all these motherfuckers this guy next to you is in a truck and this guy next to you is kind of weaving in and out of lanes and this motherfucker in front of you is going too slow and it's like so much shit to think about when you can just get on a highway and there's nobody it's a peaceful feeling you just go for you forget driving is nice remember when you were a little kid you first got your driver's license and you're like woohoo i get to not a

little kid but you know 18 whatever you first get to remember imagine four-year-olds are driving like driving is fun like my six-year-old she's learning how to ride a bike so i'm teaching her to ride a bike without training wheels so we're moving around showing her doing tight turns and stuff and she's having the time of her life and i'm thinking if i had to drive a bike. So I'm teaching her to ride a bike without training wheels. So we're moving around, showing her how to do tight turns and stuff. And she's having the time of her life. And I'm thinking if I had to drive a bike in this little fucking ass driveway, I would be so bored. But to a six-year-old, it's like, woohoo. It's so fun. That's what it's like when you first start driving a car. It's fun. And you forget like driving a car just is a pleasure. If you have a car that works right and you're out on a nice road and

there's no one there. And the music's on. Oh yeah. A little stone. Jesus. Googly moogly. A beautiful view. A beautiful view to look out at. That's the thing that really gets me about Colorado. More than anything is the sheer beauty of the landscape. Boulder, like how about Evergreen? When you're driving from Evergreen down into Denver, people don't know about Evergreen. Evergreen is a half an hour outside of Denver. You make that turn and you see those green trees like that. Just thousands of them. You might as well be on that Mountain Men TV show.

You might as well be one of those fucking dudes that makes their own wood. You're up there in the middle of the fucking mountain, 30 minutes from Denver. Beautiful. I remember the last time I had peace of mind was I was shooting the longest yard and I was off on Saturdays and Sundays and they opted they said you go home with stay I would stay in the

hotel the hotel would be empty it'd be a couple of us that would stay down there and I would get the rental car dog and I and I would get on that road, and I'd go to Taos. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'd drive to all those places. I'd stop. I'd get a green chili burrito. That's all hippies, right? Taos is hippies?

I'd turn the fucking car around, three, four hours, no traffic, no traffic. I'd just get on to whatever road. I don't know what it was now. You ever do that drive from San Diego to Vegas? Fuck yeah. That's a nice drive. That's a nice drive. That's a beautiful drive. That's not a bad drive.

When you go through those weird desert areas, and you get to see those, I went to the Air Force Base. I forget which base it is down there, where the Blue Angels are. I did a, I forget the name of it, but I had a drive down to San Diego, and then from San Diego, I had to go across quite a while to get to this Air Force base where they took me on a flight with the Blue Angels. And you're driving through these desert areas where these beautiful rock formations and shit. It's gorgeous out there. As long as you have AC, it's fucking gorgeous.

Like seeing the cool rock structures and shit. It's a pleasure, you know? People forget. We live here in L.A. and we associate driving with being a pain in the ass. How sad is that? Sad. It's like it's fucking like you wake up in the morning, your feet touch, and you're like, fuck, I got to go to Hollywood at 2.30.

God damn it. God fucking damn it. And you start looking, and then you put on Channel 5, and they're telling you the 101 is an accident. On the way here, bro, I left my house at fucking 1020. I should have been here early. Yeah. A fucking car flipped on the other side.

As I was driving, the people were hanging by their fucking seatbelts. I mean, it was that far left when I was in my far left. Wow. So I got to see it, and three motherfuckers out with their fucking cameras with TMZ. Of course. Jesus Christ, Joe Rogan. That's justifiable homicide where I come from. Justifiable homicide? Just to shoot them right there.

Pull over. What is wrong with you? Somebody is yelling for their life and you have your fucking camera on, you miserable motherfucker. And there was people getting out of their cars, helping them. I mean, it was bumper to bumper. I don't know how the fucking ambulance is going to get in.

Yeah. Well, that's sometimes people have to help. That's it. Welcome to the fucking world of cameras, my friend. Yeah. Yeah, it's... Somebody's yelling for their life, and you've got a fucking camera on,

for the love of Christ. What kind of goddamn human being are you? Just to extend your hand for the person to see your hand. You know what's fucked up, though? You talk to them, and they're nice guys. Those TMZ camera guys, a lot of those guys are very nice guys. I don't even know if it was a TMZ guy.

There were two people with cell phones, and a guy had a little fucking camera. I was like, jeez. Well, some people are just filming because they're there. I mean, some people, if they have something on them that can record, they have to record things. Oh, my God, I can't believe this. Let me get this on video. But a lot of these guys are just guys who have a job.

The real problem is that people want to read that shit. That's the real problem, including us. It's compelling. You find out about some crazy story, some nutty shit happened, TMZ has a video of it. You don't go to it, ever? No TMZ? I used to watch it two, three years ago.

It was at six o'clock. Now I just watch the news. If there's something, something fucking completely crazy happens, people are going to want to see it. They're going to want to see a video. I think I went to some, when whatever got knocked out, I was curious. Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The valet guy knocked him out. The record producer, you know, not Puff Daddy, but the guy from the West Coast rap. We always talk about him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Suge Knight. Suge Knight, sorry about that. Yeah, a barber knocked him out, right?

Some dude who owned a barber shop in L.A. But he was a valet, right? I don't think so. Something. I think he was out of valet. Tiny guy or something. Yeah. Oh, out of valet, okay. I don't think so. I think it was at a valet. Oh, at a valet. I don't remember

exactly what happened. We live in a weird world. See those videos all the time. Every day there's new ones. Every day there's some new thing. Jamie watches all that shit. Every time I come in here this motherfucker's got some new Beyonce story for me. I always find out late.

I found out about the T.I. Mayweather fight. I never saw that, but everybody says the video's online. out about the T.I. Mayweather fight. Oh, the Mayweather. I never saw that, but everybody says the video's online. You know, T.I. went on Opie and Anthony after that. He was fucking hilarious. He was really funny. He was like a real relaxed dude.

He was a fun dude. It was interesting to listen to. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I don't even know if the video or the appearance on Opie and Anthony was after that fight. I was just in my car, and they were talking. And, you know, you look at the serious. It shows you who the guest is, and it said T.I.

He was fun. He was a fun guy, man. Looked like he was having a good time with them. I watched it. Didn't he get busted with guns? Yes. Okay. He looks like a fun guy.

He did a movie. He did American Fucking Gangster. He was in American Gangster? Yeah, he's the baseball player. The Denzel Gangster? Yeah, he's the baseball player. The Denzel Washington movie? Yeah, he's the one that was the baseball player. He got on the track with the Yankees and didn't show up. That Denzel goes up to him and goes, how come he didn't show up?

He goes, I'm going to play baseball for you. I want to be like you. Oh, that's funny. Did you see the ads for the new James Brown movie? No. They got a James Brown movie. Who's playing James Brown? I don't know.

Some dude I don't know. Here, let's pull it up. Brown movie? No. They got a James Brown movie. Who's playing James Brown? I don't know. Some dude I don't know. Here, let's pull it up. Brown movie. I went to see the Tom Cruise movie last night. The Edge of Tomorrow? It's fucking great. That movie is great. It's really good, man. It's called Get On Up. Get up,

get on up. The dude's name is Chadwick Boseman. I don't know who that is. Do you know who that name is Chadwick Boseman. Hmm. I don't know who that is. Do you know who that is? Chadwick Boseman. Okay.

Handsome fella. He's been in a bunch of shit. He's been... He was on All My Children. Ha ha. No way. It says 1970. Must be a different guy.

When does James Brown, the movie, come out? Chadwick Boseman. It came out... He can't be... It says All My Children, 1970. It's got to be a different Chadwick Boseman, it came out. It can't be. It says All My Children 1970. It's got to be a different Chadwick Bowman, you dummies. That doesn't make any sense.

The guy, he's not that old. Maybe he was a kid on the show there. No, he's not even, that would mean he would have to be what, 40 something years old? No way. So the movie came out already? No, no, no, no, no It's not out yet Okay, alright

It's the ads for it Are right now He was in that movie, 42 He played Jackie Robinson Oh, that dude's badass Okay, yeah, yeah That was a good movie, you know I heard it was really good

Yeah, he was good That kid was good He was very good You know who was good in that movie? You know who was fucking badass In that movie, dog? Harrison fucking Ford. Oh, yeah.

Damn! He was in disguise. Harrison Ford. He dropped it on him. I mean, he says some shit that you're like, look at fucking Harrison Ford selling it. Isn't it interesting this dude's playing two famous dead black dudes? What did I do?

Played Jackie Robinson, and then he's their go-to guy. Hey, dog, you need insurance. Sag Insurance is a motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? You gotta do what you gots to do sometimes. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Get up. That fucking Tom Cruise movie is good, man. I'm telling you, it is

one of the most original science fiction movies I've ever seen. I had low expectations. I went into it, I thought it was going to be some shoot-em-up where Tom Cruise does the standard shit and every one of them is standard, you know, like calm, cool, collected, you know, facing the adversity. No. It was a complex character that he had to play, and the movie was very complex.

There was a lot going on. It was like about time travel. This part of the movie was an alien movie, an alien invasion movie about time travel. I can't tell you anymore. I'll give you a spoiler alert, but it's a fucking good movie, man. It's a good fucking movie. Like, I'd give it a 9 out of 10. It's a really good movie.

Like, one of the most original science fiction movies I've ever seen. You see it in 3D? No. No, I just saw it regular. I'm only wearing glasses. Hey, dog, you ever see the movie King of New York? Yeah. All right.

Fuck yeah, man. It's a great movie. It's a great movie. About a year ago. Christopher Walken. Constantine Rain, this dude on Twitter, told me, I'm like, fuck that movie. It's overrated as fuck.

It was on the R&R. Holy shit, Joe Rogan. But to me, he didn't do it. I mean, Christopher Walken's always Christopher Walken, right? Lawrence Fishburne stole that motherfucker. Lawrence Fishburne stole that motherfucker. Listen, I come to the conclusion that he's the best black actor now. And I'll prove it to you.

When he beats the chick in the movie, Tina Turner, he plays a different type of black dude. Don't make me say it. And then in whatever, he plays a completely different type of black dude. But the opening of that movie, he goes to King Tito's house to

buy the Coke with Steve Buscemi. And Steve Buscemi's, what do you call that shit? Weighing out the Coke, making sure it's good. And fucking Lawrence Fishburne is torturing this drug dealer. Yo, you play ball? Not by looking at you. You got a Coke,

and he keeps torturing him, torturing him. And then finally, the guy, you got the fucking drugs, you fucking black guy, I don't do business. And he keeps torturing him, torturing him. And then finally the guy, you got the fucking drugs, you fucking black guy, I don't do business. And he gives him the thing. And the guy's about to open up the briefcase to check the money. And he fucking slams it. He goes, where's my motherfucking coke? Right?

Which is classic. And he finally opens it up and it's all tampons. And he goes, what the fuck is this to plug your motherfucking holes? And he shoots him and the black guy comes through. Room service! And they start shooting people. That's the best opening to any fucking movie I've seen. I forgot all about that movie. I sat there going, what the

fuck is this? Tremendous. Tremendous. I recommend it. If you haven't seen it in a long time, Christopher Walken. You know who's in that movie, dog? The black dude from Lost. He's the kid on the elevator that goes to mug Christopher Walken. And Christopher Walken throws him like $10,000 and goes, come see me.

I'll give you a job. They look at the money and they take off. That's the little black dude from Lost that was also, he's in a thousand things. He was a young kid. Really? Like a young kid, like, you know, 20, 18. No shit. It's amazing when you see these old

movies and you're like, wow. Look who the fuck that is playing one scene. Like in The Thief. Manhunter. That dude that was CSI for 18 years. That dude was on, the dude from Lost was on, he was on the fucking

prison movie, Oz. He was in Oz too. Oz too, yeah. The, too. Oz, too, yeah. The guy in the wheelchair. Yeah, yeah. That dude's been around. You look at these guys and go, what the fuck? Yeah. How about Lawrence Fishburne?

He was in fucking Apocalypse Now. Dog, I talked to him one day in front of a fucking weed store. No shit. He was talking to me about how he was 14 and he had to bring his mother down there because they shot down the Philippines. They were there for a year, bro. Wow. He was 14, and he had to bring his mother down there because they shot down in the Philippines. They were there for a year, bro. Wow. He was a kid. On that boat, he was 14 years old, 15 years old.

He was a fucking child. Yeah, he was really young. And that movie took a long time to film. Two years. Two years. That's when the studios were just... And Marlon Brando was on that one. So Marlon Brando...

This is what this motherfucker did. They met with him. They're like, Marlon, we love you, but get it together. You're getting a little heavy. You're playing a fucking major. You're playing a guy who parachutes out of planes. Please, work out. How much a trainer cost?

Give him a check for a trainer. What do they want, $10,000? Give him a $20,000. Get the best trainer. Lose the weight. Marlon took the check, absolutely. Dog, post-time, that motherfucker showed up 20 pounds overweight than what trainer, lose the weight. Marlon took the check, absolutely. Dog, post-time, that motherfucker showed up 20 pounds overweight

than what he was at the meeting. They were furious. That's why all the scenes are dark. Yeah. That's why they only show his head and shit. Holding his head. They never showed his body in that movie. No. That's why, because they were like, dog, what the fuck? We gave you money for a trainer. Dog, I spent the money

at Spago's. You know what I'm saying? Didn't he have an island at one point in time? Didn't he have his own island? When he shot, listen, if you're into this shit, because I'm into stupidity, okay? Me and Joe Rogan chased Coburn on Sunset Boulevard. I'm into those old actors.

They represented something different. They represented, and Marlon Brando represented something completely different in my eyes. This kid was from Nebraska. This kid was from fucking Nebraska.

You know, everybody's stuck on James Dean. Focus on fucking Brando. This guy came out here and just fucked people up and they hated him. They hated him.

You know, he wrote a hilarious fucking letter to Charlie Sheen when he couldn't make his birthday party he wrote dear charlie i'm feeling like a very large turd on a very thin stick i'm holed up in bed and taking everything from sled dog urine to power aid power power d i don't know eastern indian vulva maybe won't work tomorrow if I feel the same. That's what he sent him when he was thinking about not going to his party.

That's hilarious. The dude was out there. They didn't want him for the Godfather. You know how hard they had to push for him for the Godfather? He was crazy. He didn't give a fuck. He didn't give a fuck. And then he showed up.

They didn't know who the fuck he was. He put the cotton in his mouth and shit, and he just blew him out of the water. Then they gave him rain. No, before that, they gave him, what's that movie he did where he cost the studio $80,000? He was directing whatever the fuck about the boat, dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they went down there, and they realized, they get down there, and they're like, where's Marlon Brando? He's in the hut fucking six fucking Hawaiian chicks.

That's where he married the chick. He was a crazy motherfucker. He was a crazy motherfucker. Then he came back, dog, and he just, then he sent an Indian to the fucking Oscars to protest

the fucking American acceptance. To the Indian movies. Who does this shit? And at the end of his life, didn't he live, I mean, he lived on an island or something,

right? Didn't he do something like that? I think he lived in Studio City. Westwood. Yeah, he lived around here at the end. Was life, didn't he live? You mean he lived on an island or something, right? Didn't he do something like that? I think he lived in Studio City. Westwood. Yeah, he lived around here at the end. Was he? Yeah, he lived around here at the end. The island, he lost the island.

He lost the island? But there was also a tragic side. He lost his kids. It was very sad that whole thing would happen. Well, you can't imagine a guy like that would be really good at taking care of kids. You know what? He was really bad ass, and I didn't realize it. Because I didn't...

Listen, I have to watch it, because my wife watches The Man of Steel. Oh, that movie, yeah? That movie, but I love Cameron Crowe, but... Not good. Marlon Brando cemented that role so strong. That speech he tells him before he puts him in the fucking thing, bro. Yeah. He had to be Superman.

If your father tells you the speech, if your father looks you in the eye and tells you that speech, you got to be Superman. That's it. You're like, Dad, you just blew my fucking mind. It was amazing. He had a lease of an island in 1966. He got a 99 year lease the island of this I don't know how to say this bits t e t i a r o a tete de aro by Tahiti government making him its sole owner 35 miles from the main island Tahiti it's a group of 13 islets

small islands measuring about 27 square miles and surrounded by a lagoon. Fucking dude lived up there on an eco resort. Wow. Crazy, man. Strange, strange dude, man. You know, there's a rumor he used to charge to read your script. He used to charge you to read your script? No, no, no.

Like if you or the studio said, Hi, Marlon, we have a script for you. Okay. 50 Gs. He would bang you at every level. That makes sense, though, if you're Marlon fucking Brando. He would bang you at every level.

25 to read the script. Oh, you want me to come off the island for a meeting? Mmm. I might have Herbie call you right on that one. Well, that's when you're a bad motherfucker when they're willing to fly into an island

to talk to you and if you wanted to fly him off it would even cost you like triple to fly him off the island yeah like oh no we want you to come

to Hollywood I don't know about that one show up with his crazy hat on what do we have here for this script 600 pounds 400 pounds.

Apparently he would sign up to do movies too, hadn't read it at all, and would make them put up these big placards with all the lines that he had to say, like right behind him

and he would just free ball it on the set. I don't, I don't, I think that the Americans, I think people itself sometimes take acting too sacredly,

you know? Mm-hmm. But if, like in The Godfather, the scene where he's at the table, he's talking about if something should happen to my son, and he gets up. That's when they said he was reading off the guy's lapels and shit. Yeah. But look at him. See if you see him reading.

Yeah. At the end, maybe. Not in 1972 when he was dropping The Godfather. The Godfather's been on HBO this month. Mm-hmm. 8. Not in 1972 when he was dropping the guy. The Godfather's been on HBO this month. 8.30 in the morning. You know me. I get up at 6.00. I'm watching the news.

All of a sudden, The Godfather. I got to catch 10 minutes of it. Last night, I watched the scene when he told, what's his name? He was out. He was brilliant, bro. He told the consulate area, the white dude. Right. He tells him, he goes goes we're going to Vegas

he just got out of the hospital and he goes you know and he smacks him he goes no offense let Michael

I'm gonna do this and he goes but I can help you and Michael goes you're out and he gets up and leaves he's beautiful bro

he's beautiful so no matter if he was reading cards and shit you know we forget you forget bro we forget. You forget, bro. We forget because we're subjected to such bad fucking movies.

But I watched that movie again the other day, and I've been watching pieces. I don't have the time to sit and watch three hours, but it's been on HBO. And I watched the scene where he comes down, and he tells Duval, cars are coming to my house. Duval is another one who's great. Yeah, and he tells him, you know, tell your Don what everybody seems to know. And he goes, oh, I was about to, but you had to have a drink. Takes the drink out of his hand and drinks it.

He goes, now you had your drink. I get goosebumps. I've seen that scene a hundred times. I still get goosebumps, bro. When he looks at Sonny and he throws that curtain down on that table and he tells that dude, look how they massacred my son. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?

Yeah, go ahead. Get the guy from Angling Gangs of New York. He'll take that guy and break him in fucking half by his neck like a chicken. At that time, that dude was dropping it on you with cue cards, with whatever. Didn't matter. It didn't matter. He knew who the fuck he was on the way in there. You know what's interesting, man?

He did Last Tango in Paris. That's what's interesting. Then he did a fucking porno after that. And they really hated it. What? Last Tango in Paris. Look at the poster for that. Yeah.

It was porno. Why do you say it was a porno? It was as close to porn as could be. Was it really? Look at the poster for it. I'm looking at it. It was like nine and a half weeks kind of porn. Yeah, it's him in some broad making out in this thing.

Italian-American, Franco-Italian romantic erotic drama. Wow. I never saw that. Yeah, he's crazy in that too. He puts light bulbs in a pussy and white wine and shit. Balsamic vinaigrette and shit. Light bulbs in a pussy. The original battery.

The portrayer. A recent American widower who begins an anonymous sexual relationship with a young, betrothed Parisian woman. Marlon Brando. Maria Schneider. Who's Maria Schneider? Whoa. Still alive. Alive and kicking? Whoa. Still alive. Alive and kicking.

Nope, died. 58, 2011. In Paris. Died in Paris. 58, it's not that old. Wow. You know, it's interesting. I was going to say that some movies, like The Godfather holds up perfect.

The Godfather could be in the movies today. It would seem a little unusual because the way it's sort of filmed and framed and the music in it and everything like that, it would be like,

it would stand out as being unusual, but it would totally hold up. But other movies from that era, big movies that you really enjoyed from that era,

dog shit. The French Connection, you want to shoot yourself. It's really bad? Yeah, except for the bar when he shakes everybody down. Popeye Doyle is here. What the fuck is this? And he makes the milkshake.

Yeah. That's all really good, but everything else, the mechanic, the drags, any Charles Bronson movie, you want to shoot yourself now. Really? It's brutal. Really? Even hard times holds up. The mechanic?

That's slow. Dude, I should try to watch The Godfather. I've never times. The mechanic? That's slow. Dude, I should try to watch The Godfather. I've never watched any of them. It's slow. Slow. The mechanic, you've got to have balls of steel. Your wife, no. She's the tap out.

Don't look at Jan Michael Vincent and die for about 20 minutes. He's an example of a guy who fell apart. Nobody. Not at all. America doesn't know the beauty of a man. Because remember, if Jan Michael Vincent would have kept it together, Richard Gere would have still been jumping down with fucking Hindus and fucking

Baghdad, wherever the fuck he was. He's a Buddhist, Richard Gere, big time. There would have been no Richard Gere, because he was blonde, dog. He was about to kill it. He killed it with the world's greatest athlete. Remember when we were kids? Disney. He picked up the fucking weights and his arms stayed there and shit. He was that. He played

a movie called Defiance where he's a longshoreman on the west side with Paulie Walnuts and the Sopranos, Danny Aiello and they attack a fucking gang, like a Mexican Puerto Rican gang. That movie

was on HBO for a while. But that movie, the mechanic is slow as fuck. Then they go to Italy. That's slow as fuck, too, when they go to Italy. He was born in Denver, Colorado. He's still alive. Jan Michael Vincent is still alive. That's amazing.

69 years old. And with no fucking kidneys or liver. That motherfucker's just... Isn't that crazy, though? Last tango in Paris, chick. Dead as fuck. Chan Michael Vincent. Pickled.

Drunk as shit. No teeth. Still kicking. Yeah, man. He's fucking... Apparently, he's got some issues, too. He left Hollywood 12 years ago for a life on the Mississippi Delta. That's where he lives now.

God, it's got to be a weird ride, man. Not everybody's cut out for that kind of movie star Tom Cruise type shit. As crazy as that Tom Cruise motherfucker is, keeps it together pretty goddamn good. I mean, I'm sure if you talk to one of his ex-wives, they would say, ooh, they would tell you some horror story about people in fucking crazy outfits telling them about Xenu

up on the planet Pluton or some shit that's controlling Tom's vibrations, forcing him to recite the doctrine of Scientology. But if you look at what he's done and the fact that he's still alive and kicking from, go back to like, what was that first movie?

Just take those old records off the shelf. What movie was that? Risky Business. Go from Risky Business to today. In 2014, Tom Cruise is still knocking it out of the park as a movie star. Do you know why, John Rogan? Scientology. No.

Because besides Scientology, he's as well prepared as you are. He's on top of his game. You know that you can't be fucking around and getting $20 million a movie. You're fucking around. He's on top of his game. You know what, bro? He's got some movies that you watch him and go, yeah, this sucks. But, dog, yeah, he went from risky business,

and all of a sudden he rocked against Jack Nicholson in that movie with the Marine movie. What's the name of that fucking movie? Oh, yeah, A Few Good Men. You know, whatever. He rocked in that movie with the marine movie what's the name of that fucking movie oh yeah if you could you know whatever he rocked at that and then he rocked his fucking Jerry Maguire I mean he hit it out of the fucking park as an agent but dog when you watch that fucking movie where he plays the hitman with Jamie Foxx oh yeah he goes into the Japanese bar was Korea town and he starts shooting motherfuckers look at at his legs when he's shooting.

That's military-style shooting. You just don't make that up if you're a Scientologist. So that means for three weeks before that, he went and worked somewhere. He was beautiful in that movie. He was beautiful in that scene. Out of all the guys who've ever done those movies, he's the most consistent. He does his own stunts, his own race car driving stunts all that shit and you know what i'm sorry to tell you he's a tiny dude ricky cruz played his double and

uh the movie where he sang that was horrendously bad he sang in a movie yeah yeah yeah oh the sunset strip movie played a rock star baldwin and all those people what was that movie rock of ages rock of ages i heard that was a hunk of shit. Oh, they said it was the kiss of death. Ricky Cruz played his double? His stand-in. But I heard it's an exaggeration. What?

It's not that tiny. I heard that they actually build sets where it's bigger so he can stand on whoever he's with. Well, they did that with him and Brad Pitt. When him and Brad Pitt did Interview with the Vampire, Brad Pitt talked about how they would walk, and Tom Cruise would walk next to him on a ramp. So Brad Pitt would walk here,

and Tom Cruise would walk next to him on a ramp, because he had to be the same height as him. I bet they do that for a lot of movies, though, because half these leads that he... Like the actresses, they can't have the actress be taller than him, so... That's weird. Well, it's weird that that hasn't, like the actresses, they can't have the actress be taller than him. That's weird. Well, it's weird that that hasn't hampered him in any way.

He's still one of the main movie stars. He rocks the house. He rocks the house. He rocked the house. I'm telling you, Joey, go see this goddamn movie. I'm a Tom Cruise guy. You don't have to sell me. But there's some people,

you don't have to sell me on that. That's another guy to give a big envelope to. He's crazy. Right. He's crazy. He does it. He does it. That big envelope.

Yeah, he's going to do dog shits, bro. Right. You can't control that. CAA calls him. Guess what we have? A movie about a bar. You're going to be great. Next thing you know, he's tap dancing.

I'm sure while they're giving them envelopes, it's okay. After he goes to the fucking screening. 5'7". See, he's 5'7", and Ving Rhames is actually 6 foot, but this is an example where they're trying to make him look. I don't think he's 5'7". I think that's a lie. I think that's one of those Napoleon things.

You know, everybody talks about Napoleon being short. You know Napoleon was, like, above average height for the time? He wasn't short. It was England fucking with him. They would do all these jokes about Napoleon being short. He was 5'6". Back then, people were tiny as shit. So, like, 5'6", back then, was, like, a normal-sized dude.

Is this the same website you keep pulling up, CollegeHumor? I don't know if they substantiated that. All the other websites also said 5'7". Really? 5'7". Here's one with Tom Cruise. Yep, 5'7". He's 5'7". See how they're Tom Cruise. Yep, 5'7". Cameron Diaz.

He's 5'7". See how they're making him like, they're constantly always making him taller even though these people are way taller than him. Oh, so he's standing on something there. Yeah, like little buckets and stuff. Yeah, it says, wouldn't it be funny if he's actually 6 feet tall, but this is just a giant troll that everybody's saying he's 5'7".

5'7", 5'7". Yeah. Oh, he's walking next to people. Well, Katie Holmes was giant. They would go out in public. Katie Holmes was legitimately 5'10", right? Wasn't she? No, I think she's kind of a young girl. What? Oh, she is. She's

5'9". Yeah. But so was Nicole Kidman. Nicole Kidman was big, too. I was like, what's going on there? He's got some shit in his shoes. Well, there's dudes who wear stuff in their shoes, you know, and she's got flats on. Mimi Rogers is big, too, right? Yeah, Mimi Rogers is big. He was married to Mimi Rogers.

He slung some dick, though. Maybe he didn't. Maybe, you know. Whatever he did, he figured out how to get all these girls to marry him. You know what? We'll never get the full story because Scientology is so secretive and inclusive and you know so so culty but what a fascinating story that would be see like if I mean the rumors are all true if he really is a

closeted gay guy that it has arranged marriages and they go on for ten years and the women get all this money and you know he needs them because this is like the image that he's trying to portray. That's a fascinating story. Listen, let me explain something to you because I was thinking about this. Look at what happened with Donald Sterling. How many meetings could you go to

and say to yourself, I could make a fucking killing if I could get my phone to tape a meeting of seeing a Scientology party, what it really is. Right. It's like Travolta and fucking Tom Cruise jumping around with bikinis on

and some guys whipping him and shit. Somebody would sell that for $100 million. That's $100 million. Well, you know, you're seeing that now with certain guys, like this Bryan Singer guy that directs the X-Men. This is the guy that is in trouble

because one of his ex-boyfriends is claiming that he was sexually exploited and they passed him around. Have you paid attention to this? No, no. Holy shit. This is crazy. They have fucking parties.

Let me tell you something. No hate. Gay motherfuckers know how to party. They know how to party. They know how to party. These guys have this fucking, they have photos. Pull up some photos of Bryan Singer's parties. He has parties where he has red lights in the swimming pool and they're filled with

twinks. He has parties where he has red lights in the swimming pool, and they're filled with twinks. It's a twink soup, and everyone is dancing around the pool. The pool is flooded by guys with no shirts on, and they're all touching each other and having a great fucking time. And if you're gay, that's got to be the way. Look at this. That's the way to fucking party. Why not?

What is everybody angry at? What's twinks? Twinks. Twinks are like little skinny gay guys that look, you know, kind of like boyish. Henscliff. That's a type. Yeah, super twink. Henscliff is a super twink.

But like, look at this. What is wrong with this? This looks like a super positive scene to me. I don't have any problem with anything I see here. I see a bunch of guys doing what they want to do. Their pants off. They're hanging around in a pool. Who gives a shit?

Why is the water brown? No, that's... What the fuck is that? It's blood water. It's from all that ass sex. No. Yeah. No, come on, guys. Don't do that.

There's a light in the pool. There's lights. You see in the corner. You see the red light. It's obvious. There's lights. Or it's white. There's red light bulbs.

Listen, guy. Brian's singing. He's been around for a while. Yeah. What kind of movies has he directed before? He directed a lot of movies. Like what?

Like X-Men. Did a lot of X-Men movies. But that was like two years ago, right? No, I think he's done quite a few of them, right? Hasn't he? He's done a bunch of shit. Let's do Bryan Singer. Let's pull it up.

Yeah, isn't there like that one guy that was suing because he was like the guy that got passed around by all the guys? Yeah, but you know what, man? Here's the deal. If you show up for one of those things and you get passed around, you're like, what the hell? I've got to get out of here. This is a bad situation. If you keep showing up and you keep getting passed around

and then you want to write a book about it, look, man, you could have left. You could have left. You know what time it is. You got a co-star part and you got fucked in the ass 82 times. Yeah. That's it. Listen, and I can see that happening in Hollywood. It happens to women all the time, guys.

They go to these fucking parties. I don't know what type of parties there are. Next thing you know, they're in the Hollywood Hills. They're doing fucking roofies. They're doing blow. And there's eight fucking young guys fucking. And it happens. Have I been to one?

No. It happens. It has to happen with little young guys that are confused here. They come from a small town. They're gay. They go to an audition. Brian Singer contacts them. I want to talk to you personally.

Let's do lunch. Next thing you know, you're at a fucking pool. And let's go. Let's go upstairs. Probably can't even believe it. You watch that movie with Tom Cruise. One of the darkest movies he made. That's a fucking great movie, bro.

Which movie? The one with all the masks? Yes. Eyes Wide Shut. That's a fucking great movie, bro. Which movie? The one with all the masks? Yes. That's why it's shut. That's always on late night on IFC. Why is it named Bryan Singer? Because I compare that situation to something like that. Yeah.

Not Stanley Kubrick, but to that situation where a bunch of old guys, they're fucking gazillionaires. Oh, I see, I see. And once a month, they go to a house. Red Band tells me to call a phone and say, Red Devil, and he sends you to a house in the hills. A car picks you up. You don't even know where you're going. How fucking creepy.

And they take you to a house, and there's a fucking hundred tens walking around with masks on. Naked. Naked, and you're doing the sacrilegious shit with drums with a robe on, which means you're going to fuck somebody in the ass until they die. Remember? Tom Cruise was fucking a chick and she was on coke. And she took her in.

The doctor was Sidney Pollack. Nobody fucking remembers here. I don't remember that movie at all. That's a fucking dark movie. Is it a good movie? Bro, what happens is Nicole Kidman fucks with him. Let me tell you something. I never thought Nicole Kidman was shit

until I watched that movie. Nicole Kidman eats him up and spits him alive, like with this accent. She starts to tell him about there once was a time when I went to this thing with this Army guy. And he weren't a man. Like he starts telling him he wasn't a man, but that she went and this guy, that Navy guy. So he got so mad, he started getting in a cab and he kept seeing spots of this fucking guy just ramming Nicole Kidman, black and white footage in your head of this guy with a Navy hat just blasting her. And finally he goes to get a hooker.

She's missing or something. So he goes into an Arabian, this dude, because he goes to see his buddy who's the piano player. And the guy goes, no, no, no, I got a gig I can't tell you about. He tells him about the gig. He goes, you got to wear a cape and a top hat. So this dude has to go to a fucking costume store at midnight, wakes up the guy. But when he wakes up the guy to rent the costume,

they hear something. And they go in the room, and the guy, the costume guy, has a daughter who's 15, and she's getting fucked by two Japanese guys with wigs and mascara on and pink shit on their faces. This is darker than fuck. And Tom Cruise walks in the middle of this and also he's like, what the fuck's going on? And he takes a cab to this place.

He gives the cab 200 bucks and he walks in and he sees all these naked women. He tells them the code word. And I mean, it's fucking dark. He goes in there and Sidney Pollack. Then the next day he goes looking for the piano guy, and the piano guy's missing. Gone. Because they go up to Tom Cruise during the thing, and they go, we know who you are. We're advising you to get the hell out of here.

The next day the piano player is gone, done, finito. He goes back to the costume store to return the stuff. One thing leads to another. The guy goes, oh no, you're missing the bow tie. And all of a sudden, after all the yelling and screaming when she caught the fucking guy with the Japanese guys, the girl comes walking out of the back with the two Japanese guys with

business suits on. So he thinks he's on a fucking, it's an awesome mind fuck if you could sit it out. Stanley Kubrick was a bad motherfucker. Was a bad motherfucker. That movie took like three years to release. There was something kinky about that movie. Kubrick was dying.

But Nicole Kidman wears a pair of regular panties with a wife beater on, with those little titties, dog. What I mean, when little titties turn you on, when those two little beamers are up, and she's calling him like a fucking faggot through his face. He's like, you're a fucking faggot. I dream of this Navy guy fucking taking me down and breathing on my neck. I can smell his breath.

And he's like breaking inside. He goes, really? Well, I'm going to go out and sling some dick. He's a doctor in the movie. There she is right there. Look at her. Little titties that say, get up and fucking come on, these little fucking milk duds. Look at her. Little titties that say, get up and fucking come on, these little fucking milk duds.

Look at her. With that fucking hair bulged up, you pull her behind the fucking hair, and you drag her into the other. Look at that. Look at that little red fucking Australian little monkey. It smells like an alligator. Look at that fucking savage between her legs.

Look at that. Look at those little bony hips. You know how good they fuck? When you're sucking that fucking monster, and those hips are popping up. Forget about it. What do you think you're dealing with? It's Wednesday at 11 o'clock. That chick is banging. I need to get that on my iPad tonight. Eyes wide shut.

Yeah, that's one of those movies I probably need to re-watch because I remember I didn't like it the first time. I think there was a lot of stuff in it. I don't think I ever watched it. But every woman in that scene, he does blow with the check, or she does blow. And Stanley, that motherfucker's crazy. Sidney Pollack, he's like, she's dead, or some shit, or whatever. I'm a doctor.

What's wrong with you? You're losing it. It didn't get a good review. No, no, because it was Stanley. It was dark, dog. Yeah. What are Stanley's other movies? Real quick. 2001, A Space Odyssey. A Space What are Stan Lee's other movies? Real quick.

2001, A Space Odyssey. Space Odyssey, but he's got another one that's crazy. Cockroach Orange. He's got a... Yeah, they're all fucking dark movies. Yeah. But what's another Stan Lee, like an army movie? Doesn't he have a dark...

Oh, yeah. Full Metal Jacket. That's his shit. Okay. Yeah. That's fucking dark army shit. Brilliant. What is in that thing?

That's a brilliant movie. Of Jelly Donut. Yeah. Goldman Pyle, you know. That's a brilliant movie. Of jelly donut. Yeah. Gold McPile, you know. That's the best army movie ever. Full Metal Jacket? Is there a better army movie? Apocalypse Now is up there, too.

It's up there. It's up there. But I think Full Metal Jacket's better. I think it might be better. It's right up there. Platoon? That's up there, too. That's up there, too.

Saving Private Ryan's up there, too. That opening scene, man, when they fucking hit that beach, that is as real as a fucking war scene gets. My heart was beating up a fucking storm, man. Ooh. And that fucking,

you know, movie isn't bad when I watch it. What's the one with Down, whatever? Black Hawk Down? Yeah. Never saw it.

It's a great movie. You've never seen Black Hawk Down? Nope. To me, it's not a, listen, bro, to me, that fucking opening scene with Martin Sheen

in Apocalypse Now, when he's narrating it, and he's like, I'm waiting for a minute. I went to see that movie on double barrel sunshine acid with John Crowley, Didi Quintero, and Curt DiLorenzo. And we were out there waiting to go in, and there was a Carvel

next to the place. I'll never forget this, Joe Rogan. I was tripping my balls off, and there was a Carvel next to this movie theater, and it was the second, it was the midnight showing of Apocalypse Now. It had just come out on Friday. It was a midnight movie. We were in high school.

It's midnight on double-barrel sunshine acid. Burning, burning when your eyes are burning. You're seeing shit. And we're waiting on the line. There's an ice cream cone that's tipped over. Somebody went to the movie theater and tipped it over. And it had ants on it. And my friend John Crowley picked it up and started eating it.

I thought I was going to fucking die. And then we went in for the midnight show. I was 16 years old, whatever the fuck I was. I watched Apocalypse Now on acid. I thought I was going to fucking die. That scene where they start shooting arrows at him out of the fucking wilderness, that's another movie that don't sleep on that. And forget the redux.

I like the redux when they show him in France and eat with the people. That's okay. But it takes you away from the fucking path. I like what they released because it's straight. The redux is good for a little while. The bodies, the French guy, they all have dinner at that table.

But I really like the fucking original. People like the redux because it's just got some added scenes. Yeah, it's added scenes. Give you a little extra something. I don't want it.

It's three and a half hours. Sometimes a little extra something is not what you need. No, it's not what you need. That movie had, they cut that movie a certain fucking way. Yeah.

The movie was creepy, bro. It was creepy. There was parts of that movie where you feel creeped the fuck out. You know what else I saw a couple weeks ago that you haven't seen, Joe Rogan? Midnight Express. Great fucking movie. Where he bites that motherfucker's tongues out and shit, and he's standing there, and

he's covered in fucking blood, and they're all fucking tremendous. That was the first time I ever saw a movie where a guy got arrested in another country, and I was like, oh, don't get arrested in another country. Especially for drugs. Oh, my God. When they took his clothes down and he had the envelope stuck to his body, the little thing. You feel it.

Your heart's beating because the director. He's got his hands up. And he's got the guns all around him. And they take him. And they don't pimp. Yeah, somebody fucked him. He became gay in there. Oh, yeah.

He became gay. He became gay in there and then that's when the guy kept fucking with the guy hung his friend's cat and once he woke up and seen the cat hanging the guy went nuts because you charge just for fucked-up tea don't sell his hash and he just starts beating that's one of the greatest beats of all time remember he's kicking him the guys under the sink crawling he's bleeding he's begging for his life, and he's just fucking losing, he's been in this fucking foreign country, he's been lied to, they gave him 80 years, you're dying, and I'm dying too, and he's kicking him, he's kicking him, he's kicking him, and finally, the guy crawls out, he's got like one eye left,

he fucking grabs him, and he fucking, because he's a rat, he fucking mugs him, and he takes his fucking tongue, and he bites it out, and they show the scene with his fucking tongue in his mouth. The guy fucking falls, and that guy died. Did he die of AIDS in real life? The guy that played him. The guy is brilliant. He just sits there, and you could see the rage. You could feel it, bro.

I would go crazy if I was in the fucking wherever jail they had you, and now you don't understand the language. Some guy's selling you watered-down fucking tea. He rats on you, and now you don't understand the language. Some guy's selling you watered-down fucking tea. He rats on you, and now he killed your friend's cat. Bro, he throws a beat on that guy. He hits him with the pots, the pans, and by the time he comes out from the other side, he's missing an eye, and he fucking grabs him and just bites his fucking tongue off of being a rat.

Good googly-moogly. I was in the fucking eighth or seventh grade, bro. That's the movies I watched. I don't know, fucking X-Men. What are you talking about? That's a great fucking movie. That was in the fucking eighth or seventh grade, bro. That's the movies I watched. I don't know, fucking X-Men. What are you talking about? That's a great fucking movie. That was a great fucking movie. Fucking X-Men.

That was a movie, too, that taught a lot of kids not to fucking smuggle drugs in the country. Shit. Because there's a lot of people that watch that locked up abroad, and they're like, well, the guy's on TV now. I guess he got away with it. Everything's fine. Most people that got locked up abroad didn't go so well. You ever watch that show?

Terrifying fucking show. I don't even go there. Did you ever watch that show? Terrifying fucking show. I don't even go there. You don't watch that show? No, no. I don't even want to go there mentally. No. I was never, I never, listen, I don't need Valiums that bad. I got to cross the border of Mexico and try to bring them over.

Once that happens, you're a goner, bro. Well, Mexico's not nearly as bad. Crossing from Mexico into America, that's nothing like getting arrested in Turkey. That petrifies me. You know what my fear is? I don't even want to leave the country with drugs. Well, I do drugs, and I don't want to leave this country because I need them. I don't want to get caught somewhere buying them.

Because I need them. Sure, you want to smoke a joint in fucking Africa, right? Yeah. And who knows what the laws are there? What's the laws for weed in China? Not good. Yeah, they'll lock you up. They'll give you 80 fucking years.

What is Ari doing over there? I don't know. Staying clean? Jesus. I wonder what Ari's doing for weed. Yes, he's definitely staying clean. Yes, he's staying clean. General Mao or whatever the fuck his name is, chairman.

Chef. What do they give you for weed over there? What type of shit they give you for weed in China? What, as far as like a sentence? Yeah. Not good. It's very bad. Come on.

Yeah. Weed in China is very bad. Weed in North Korea is legal. Isn't that weird? That's weird. No.. Weed in China is very bad. Weed in North Korea is legal. Isn't that weird? That's weird. No. Are drugs bad in China? They have a cocaine problem. Listen. The mob

stole the idea from the people in China, so I know they're selling coke or something. Not everybody's going to jail for 80 years in China. Let me pee real quick. Drug laws in China. Let's look it up. Illegal drug trade in China. Let me pee real quick. Drug laws in China. Let's look it up. Illegal drug trade in China. It's pretty simple. China has one-fifth the world's population

and a large and expanding economy, while opium has played an important role in the country's history since the beginning, oh, since before the first and second opium wars in the 19th century. China's large landmass, close proximity to the Golden Triangle and numerous coastal cities

with large and modern port facilities make it an attractive transit center for drug trafficking. Hmm. What is the fucking opium war? You ever hear of opium wars? Sounds awesome. Let's go.

Sounds like a good movie. The first opium war. Okay, let good movie. The First Opium War. Okay, let's find out about the Opium War. Damn, it was in the 1800s. It was fought between Great Britain and China over their conflicting viewpoints on diplomatic relations, trade, and the administration of justice for foreign nationals.

Prior to the conflict, Chinese officials wished to end the spread of opium and confiscated around 20,000 chests of opium, approximately 1.2 million kilograms, or 2.866 million pounds from British traders. The British government, although not officially denying China's right to control imports of the drug, objected to the seizure, and used its military power to enforce violent redress. So there's two of them. One of them was in the 1800s there,

and another one was 1856 to 1860. There's two different opium wars. Wow. How much time did they give you? Did they give you a lot of time? Yeah. Let's see. Drug seizures.

Treaties and conventions. Drug laws. Agencies. Okay. Let's see. Drug law enforcement. Yeah. It's not good.

Don't do drugs in China. That's all I have to say. Remember the Mickey Rourke movie? That's another fucking underappreciated movie. Year of the Dragon? Tremendous. 1985, dog. That was a great fucking movie.

Fuck you, who your uncle? We want my money. Because what the story was about, basically, was the Chinese said, you know what, bro? How long are you motherfuckers going to be fucking us in the ass? They can't catch us. They never have. You never read about the DA busting the Chinese smuggling heroin. Yeah, why is that?

They're that brilliant. They've been doing it since the beginning of time. Are they still doing it in Chinatown? I don't know. I don't live there no more. I heard it's in Newark now, but I know when I was growing up, the Chinese gave it to the black power guys. The Chinese supplied the Jews. The Chinese supplied all the major outlets.

They raped them. They didn't give them their cut. They paid them a percentage wholesale, and then they went out and cut it 18 times. And on a $30,000 investment, you made a half a million dollars, bro. Wasn't that a part of that movie with Denzel Washington where his friend was a – American gangster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it was.

Wasn't a part of it was going to China. Well, he was bringing it in from Vietnam. Bringing it in from Vietnam but it was... Yeah, with Jay Gordon Liddy. All those motherfuckers

went on it. All those motherfuckers. What do you think they were doing? What do you think? Everybody wanted to go to make tours of Vietnam. They were making...

They were over there fucking bringing heroin in body bags, bro. The government knew that. That was the CIA and all those heavy duties, right? That's what he got in trouble for. Watergate. But it's known that he was over there sending his back

and shit, wasn't he? Well, there was so much money. When you have so much money, the amount of money in heroin in the Vietnam era, especially back then, there was no Wikipedia, no Edward Snowden, no Julian Assange. You could hide shit pretty fucking easy. And there was so much money to be edward snowden no julian assange you could hide shit pretty fucking easy and there was so much money to be made in heroin why wouldn't the government make it there i think their idea was like look we'd be crazy like someone's gonna make

this money and if they make the money they're gonna control the resources that they get from that money they're gonna be able to have influence and power and do things to people with that money fucking we'll just do it we'll do it the right way. And they just started selling heroin. They just started doing it. The whole night, I mean, that was one of the main reasons why we had a hard time getting out of Vietnam, the amount of money that was being generated. Is that the truth?

Oh, yeah. Vietnam and heroin is very well documented. The Vietnam trade in heroin is a fascinating story because it's essentially repeating itself in Afghanistan. Everybody buries their head in the sand. Nobody wants to admit it. But the Afghanistan poppy trade, like the amount of heroin grown in Afghanistan, is a huge percentage of the world's heroin. Not just a little bit of Afghanistan money.

Right. The world's. Okay, let's look it up. Look it up. What do you guess? Percentage of heroin, percentage of world heroin grown in Afghanistan. Take a guess. What would you think it is 70 okay percentage of world's heroin in afghanistan um i'm gonna say 90 let's see 10 shut up dude okay let's let's find it is

opium production in Afghanistan, Wikipedia. Amounts to export value of $4 billion. Wow. Holy shit. That's wholesale, correct? Well, I don't think you tax it. Well, that's wholesale selling it to me for an ounce or a pound for whatever and me cutting it and me, if it's $4 billion wholesale, that they're the wholesalers.

They grow it. They process it. I come over and pick it up. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know how they work it. It's just amazing. Okay.

That's fucking amazing. Hmm. Well, one thing is a fact. I'm having a hard time finding the numbers well one thing is a fact that it's gone up they're all saying that it hits record highs despite billions of dollars spent to combat heroin trade afghanistan opium production hits record highs this is a 2013 that the united states spent seven billion billion to combat opium production. So they're stealing from both sides.

They spent $7 billion and it went up. It rose 36%. Wow. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. 60,000 U.S. forces left Afghanistan down from a peak of $100,000. So what they're saying is essentially no matter what they do, the heroin production keeps going up.

Hmm, how weird. It's hysterical. Who's the actor that just died tragically? Which one? The guy in New York. Paul Walker? No, no, no. From heroin. Philip Seymour Hoffman. Oh, from heroin. After Philip Seymour Hoffman, they went and they said, boy, heroin's going to go down in this city.

Some fucking crazy commissioner. And he went and put a cop, and they's going to go down in this city. Some fucking crazy commissioner. And he went and put a cop, and they got the guy that sold them the bags of heroin. And then probably he rolled on somebody. And once he rolled on somebody, that fucking cop got transferred to Ethiopia. And that guy got fucking thrown, and that's it. They can't go. You know, it's so fucking big, the heroin trade. And one part of it, somebody normal would say, yeah, we're going to fucking combat it.

Really? Really. Fucking heroin prices have gone down. 90% of the road's opiate. Yeah, 90. 90%. In 2000, it was 70. Heroin is down to like, you could buy $7 bags of heroin, bro.

That's insane. $7. I could borrow $7 every fucking heroin, bro. That's insane. $7. I could borrow $7 every fucking day, guys. $7. But just how crazy. That's nuts. But how crazy is it that one spot, 90% of the world's supply, the world is 7 billion people.

How many people do heroin in the world? The numbers have to be crazy. When you add in all these other countries, not just America, add in Mexico, add in Canada, add in everywhere, the whole world. Mexico has their own heroin, correct? They process their own heroin? I don't believe so. They get the poppy from there, they process it. Mexico. Because Mexican heroin is that black tar. It's thick.

You gotta shoot it. The shit that you buy in New York, they have this white stuff, you can snort it. Oh, really? And they tell you it's for suburban kids that don't like needles. Oh, so they're snorting it. Listen, bro, the heroin in New York isn't sold to Spanish people

and Puerto Ricans in the Bronx and black people. That's what the New York trade is wrong. The heroin that's sold in New York is to fucking 20-year-old yuppies that do a blast. They don't shoot it. They snort it. That's where the big heroin is sold. Yeah, you still got the old geezers

that are fucking shooting it. We've seen more Hoffman shooting it. Yeah, he was shooting it. Have you tried the snorting? What's the... How do you feel? I've never shot it. I snorted it. The first time it was uh i got sick i got

really pukey and i got sick but after i puked i felt better and i got really high the first time i did it was like a pass out type mode like i i was thinking about stuff like i was thinking about he was playing music and i was thinking about stuff the second was playing music, and I was thinking about stuff. The second time I did it, I was locked up. You did it in jail? In jail, in prison. And that time I did it. Did it come out of a dude's butt? No, no, no.

How did it get in there? Visitation day. Oh. You swap spit. It was in my mouth, hidden in a balloon, and I swap spit with you. Whoa. Not me. I didn't smuggle it.

A dude or a girl? A girl. A girl. Your wife comes in and swaps spit with you. It's not worth it. And then what that was was black tar heroin. And what the guy did was he cooked it and he poured it in my nose with a syringe, but nothing happened. Nothing happened? Didn't work?

Yeah, it didn't. They're saying that 40% more poppies are grown in Mexico than marijuana now. They're growing more heroin, 40% more than marijuana. The problem with the heroin, the% more than marijuana. The problem with the heroin, the marijuana, is that it's legal here, essentially. Essentially legal in California. California's right next door. Listen, Mexicans are nice people, but they can't compete with what the fuck is going on in Northern California. They're very nice people.

Or Southern California. You can't compete anywhere. And that brown weed, there's still people in parts of the country that smoke that brown weed. That goes to Connecticut. That goes to Boston. That goes to Minneapolis. A lot of brown weed. There's still a little traffic left in that brown weed. But for the most part, it don't take no fucking genius to know, listen, them fucking young kids in Northern California,

they're about to fucking blow up the world what they're doing up there. Even Amsterdam's like, we can't compete no more. Amsterdam's gone. People go, hey, you ever go to Amsterdam? Why the fuck would I go to Amsterdam when I can go to Denver? Gone. Gone. It's all over, gentlemen.

Don't believe the hype. And they're closing all the stores. My store is done at the end of the month. The store next to it is the end of the month. What do you mean? Divine Wellness went down. All my favorite spots are gone. Why?

They just shut them down. Now they went after landlords again. In North Hollywood. Why would they do that? Why would they do that? They got to pass it just to get it legal like it is in Denver. Denver's making so much money, hand over fist. They did a CNBC show about it.

It's incredible. There was a guy who was a weed pen company. Says in two years his company's going to be worth a billion dollars. A billion dollars. For fucking weed pens. Vape pens. People buying vape pens with no vape, to put it. Yeah.

Just to have them in Connecticut, New York. Well, you can have them legally. You get waxed now and stuff like that. You get waxed. And you can grind the weed up. There's a lot of them that you just grind the weed up and you pack them. But you got to pack them. Every time. Yeah, like every two or three hits you got to pack.

Those are silly. But they pack them. Every time. Yeah, like every two or three hits, you got to pack. Those are silly. Yeah. But they have them. I'd like to see what would happen if they take the legal marijuana thing to Michigan and try to see, you know, throw it in Detroit. Yeah, it's a good move. But people will get high and then realize, why the fuck are we staying in Detroit? Listen, the first two months.

No, the first two months. Go to Kid Rock's house. People are going to be getting robbed on the way out. Yes. That's the problem. You're going to have Detroit. They're going to be getting robbed on the way out. Yes. That's the problem you're going to have in Detroit. They're going to have to hire too much security because, you know, you just see people park their car and walk over. And I've seen it in Hollywood.

There were stories in Hollywood people were robbing people outside of weed stores. Now these weed stores that are getting closed down, they're getting closed down by the DEA? Like who's closing them down? The city. The city's closing them down. The city's going after the landlords and going, we're going to fine you every day.

So the place I go, you got to hire an attorney. So for every day he stays open, he's got to pay an attorney to keep them open. And they just told me yesterday that at the end of June, they're done. Wow. But there's still so many stores. So what are the rules where stores are allowed to be open and not open? I have no idea. Is it like proximity to schools?

Yeah. I know that Divine Wellness went down. Allowed to be open or not open? I have no idea. Is it like proximity to schools? Yeah. I know that Divine Wellness went down. They were the edible kings. Divine Wellness, in my eyes, they always had something to kill a motherfucker. They had the capsules. They had Auntie Dolores. They had all the best shit.

And they told me they were moving to Canoga Park. And this new company came in because, well, they were moving because they were 500 feet from a church. There's a church right on Lancashire. So Divine Wellness is moving to Canoga Park? They moved to Canoga Park, and then some other motherfucking gangsters came and said, fuck it, you're going to have to shut us down. And I guess the landlord wanted their sense. And they shut down and reopened for like two days.

And I went there one day, and they were locked. So that one's shutting down. Delivery services are the future. I mean, look at San Diego. It happened in San Diego. It's all delivery. It's tricky, though. Guys get set up and robbed.

Yeah, yeah. It's tricky. See, what I'm doing right now is I'm not smoking no more. So it don't really matter. I do the tubes in the morning. What's a tube? You know, the vapor tubes. I get the Girl Scout cookies or the vapor pen.

And then by 1 o'clock, I pop an edible. I get the vapor tubes. I get the Girl Scout cookies and the vapor pen. And then by 1 o'clock, I pop an edible. So I could buy a box of fucking Goomies. I could have Goomies or Milo send me a box. That's the thing, though. They'll mail direct. As long as you send them a copy of your fucking license, they'll mail it to me. She knows me. She knows I'm legit.

Yeah, I'm a big fan of the edibles anyway. Me too. It's a better high. It's a better high. I've been getting so much. She knows me. She knows I'm legit. I'm a big fan of the edibles anyway. It's a better high. I've been getting so much. I sleep better. I put this different water in my sleep apnea machine and now the edibles let me sleep a lot better. It's very nice. If you wanted to stay constantly medicated, you could be very functional

with a small dose of marijuana every day. Small dose of marijuana. I fucked up last week. I got high before acupuncture. That's fucking brutal. That would be great. No, she even said something to me. Getting high before yoga. Do that.

Getting high before yoga is tremendous. You want to really appreciate weed? Get high before yoga. Because you get high from yoga anyway. And if you get high and then do the yoga, it releases some crazy chemicals. You do fucking, you get high and you go to even beginning yoga where I was going. 45 minutes passes before you even know. You have like this, not a hallucinogenic trip.

You have a body trip. You start focusing on your knee. And you can actually feel the blood going into your knee when you're high with the stretches. Yoga is really cool. And that's what they say. They do the hot yoga with weed. Right. And it really kicks it up.

I've never done the hot yoga. I don't know. It's great. I have a heart attack. No, you just bring water. Bring cold water. But the good thing about the hot yoga is it really warms you up for stretching. Because when you're cold, it's very difficult to stretch.

That's why doing anything real strenuous early in the morning is tricky. You've got to really make sure you warm up. When I lift weights in the morning, a lot of times I do. I start my day by lifting weights. I take 20 minutes to warm up. When I lift weights in the morning, a lot of times I do, I start my day by lifting weights. I take a lot, I take 20 minutes to warm up, 20 whole minutes of like light kettle book cleans, like swings and cleans, like light body weight squats, stretching, touching my toes, moving around, getting all the blood flowing. Because you got to think for eight hours or whatever you sleep for, you're just sitting there while everything's just lying flat. I mean, your blood's pumping and everything like that, but's no movement so everything's kind of stiff and weird

that's why when you wake up your back hurts and if you go to bed for like two seconds and you lay down your back doesn't hurt but when you go to bed for eight hours you wake up and you're like stiff and it takes you a few minutes and then whatever that stiffening is is gone in half an hour so right it's gone in a little while gotta so, right? It's gone in a little while. Got to warm the fuck up if you lift in the morning. A lot of guys get hurt from that. It's one of the main sources of injuries is early morning workouts. You know, I have friends that have 7 a.m. jiu-jitsu, and that sounds really cool, or 9 a.m. jiu-jitsu, like fundamentals.

That sounds cool, but not for me. It's okay as long as you warm up. I like 11.30, 11. I'm doing other things. I've walked around. I think 9 o'clock, my body would have a heart attack. I'm really scared. Well, I have a big difference between, like,

if I have a kickboxing workout at, like, 10 in the morning or a kickboxing workout at 7 at night. Goddamn 7 at night, I'm on fire. I'm on fire. Really? I'm on fire. Way better. I'm on opposite.

Really? Yeah, I like my shit over 11 o'clock. 11 to 1, I'm done. 8 o'clock for me to do jiu-jitsu is fucking brutal. I'm out of air. Even if I eat dinner at 4. If I know I've got to go Friday at 7, I go to the beginning of jiu-jitsu. I eat at 4.

So there's no misunderstandings. It's a quick hour. There's no calisthenics. We practice the technique. We roll for 8 minutes and we're the fuck out of there. That's it. What do you eat before you work out? Nothing. I don't take no nothing. Unless I, like if I'm going to do a long

jujitsu, I'll take two shroom techs. But I don't do the shroom techs every time. I like to space it out. I can tell the difference when I take a baby aspirin than when I take shroom tech. I see a big fucking difference. I can tell the difference when I take a baby aspirin than when I take Shroom Tech. I see a big fucking difference. So if I'm going to do something

long, then I'll do the Shroom Tech. If I'm going to do something like kettlebells, like just a short kettlebell workout, 10 sets of swings, maybe three sets of cleans, and a farmer's walk, I just do a baby aspirin. And immediately a protein shake with glutamine, and then one at night.

Each shake is 300 calories. I make them with water, right? M-force, right? You should get a little bit of sugar in there too, a little bit of natural sugar in your diet after a workout. Yeah, replenish your glycogen, your glucose. You eat some fruit. Fruit is a good way to do it.

I do a lot of fruit. Yeah, fruit juices with protein powder is a good way to do it. I do a lot of fruit. Yeah. Fruit juices with protein powder is a good way to do it after a workout, but that's when you want to replenish like within 30 minutes. But before I like fruit before I work out, my favorite thing to eat before I work out is either oranges or pineapples because there's a lot of fiber in them. And I feel like I've eaten like three or four oranges and then have a good workout an hour later. There's no effects, like no cramping, no weirdness, easy to digest. Pineapple is the same way. I eat like a nice bowl of pineapple like an hour or so before I work out. It never bothers me at all. But you have the fiber from the plant matter and you

have plenty of fuel, plenty of sugar in your body, but natural sugar. Sugar kills me, Joe Rogan. But natural sugar, you see, when people have sugar, if you have sugar from a candy bar or something like that, that is the most unnatural form of sugar that human beings have ever created. We figured out how to isolate sugar, take it away from its natural plants, natural fruits and vegetables, and then process it and make it this weird thing that you could just add to stuff. White powder. That white powder doesn't exist in the wild. And the effect that it has on your body, your body's like,

how are you getting so much sugar in this fucking thing? If you have a drink, you ever look at like, if you have just one of those energy drinks or post-workout drinks,

hydration drinks, look at the fucking labels of those things. Look at a fruit punch. You know I don't even drink fucking Red Bull. Good. You've never seen me drink a Red Bull. No, you you're not you'll have an espresso every now and then after a meal i like espresso after a meal too like red bull i don't like energy drinks i don't believe i have enough energy but it's the sugar man the sugar is a

motherfucker i don't have like 75 grams of sugar and shit and you're like that that'll kill you that's terrible for you you know i can't even taste a regular Coke anymore. It is horrific. Syrup. Done. Done. Yeah, shit's syrup. Done.

You ever have that Mexican Coke, though? It's a little better. It's a little sugar, yeah, a little better, but it's been funny. There's a burrito place in Hollywood that sells those Mexican Cokes. Oh, they all do. You get them everywhere now. Yeah, the bottles. It tastes better.

It tastes better. I'm just not into it no more. Still not good for you. Yeah, not at all. I drank enough soda for three fucking bodies, bro. There's a great documentary called King Corn. It talks about the effect of corn on your body and how much corn they have, how much of an influence corn has. Because corn syrup is used in so many different products.

It's a fascinating thing. We've got to get back to eating natural foods. Human beings have gotten way off track. different products. It's a fascinating thing. We got to get back to eating natural foods. You know, human beings have gotten way off track. We've made some pretty yummy shit with corn syrup and, and sugars and things along those lines, but people want to be healthy. You got to get back to eating normal, healthy foods. There's just no way around it. You got to eat salads. You got to eat fruits. And for most folks, eating meat is probably a pretty good idea. Eat some healthy meats. But these fucking, the amount of power and the amount of influence that lobbyists and these giant companies that push corn syrup and put corn syrup in everything, the amount of income that they make from it. Like the profit generated from corn syrup is crazy.

Corn syrup is in like 90% of our snack foods. If you look around, I just made that number up completely out of thin air, by the way. But if you look up all the different snacks and different things that have corn syrup, it's fucking staggering. It's off the charts. That's some terrible toxic shit and it's everywhere, but tastes great. They trick you, Joe Diaz. They do trick you. There's a dude who's making, I should say his name. He's making all organic pot candies now. He came by here the other day. He's got a company called, it's called like Jumbo. Yeah, Jambo. Organic Jambo. I got to

get you one of them. They're fucking fantastic. What's in them? It's honey. He does them with honey, all organic ingredients, no high fructose corn syrup, no artificial sugars, no artificial sweeteners, no artificial flavors. He's like the first guy to do these organic pot candies. And they're great. They're great. Not too strong either. They don't kill you. They're like half of a Chibichu, you know, where you don't get too nutty.

You'll probably take four of them. How fucking crazy is Chibichu? They're so high demand, they're a month behind on production of some shit. Wow. They're making cash, son. Cash, dog. Those little fucking helmet ones. Oof.

The CBDs? The CBDs. But their fucking little devil things really light you up. Like, they're really scary. scary I gotta tell you the truth people who have injuries if you have an injury take like a chibichu a half a chibichu

and then stretch out you'd be amazed at how good you feel you feel your muscles lengthening and loosening up you feel things popping listen if you eat a half a decan you go to bed you wake up feeling loose

and the hash cookies they don't have them no more people aren't making them no more. There was one company who had them in Hollywood. It was 20 bucks for two tiny cookies. But every time I ate those things,

Don, and then you realized that it was Bruce Lee who was eating hash. For years he ate hash because for the stiffness in your joints and shit. I'm telling you,

when you eat hash and you eat reefer, it's two different worlds. Bruce Lee had some serious injuries. He had a serious back injury at one point in time, too. Yeah, but he ate weed for injuries. He ate weed specifically for the injuries. Well, for medical marijuana,

it's one of the number one things that people use it for. What's the thing, though, instead of eating lettuce? CBDs? Yeah, but the other one, what's the other one? When you work out, you eat lettuce to take the acidity out of your muscles. That's what it says. The THC, when you smoke it, whatever, you ingest it, whatever,

it takes the whatever out of your muscles after you work. Lactic acid? Lactic acid inflammation. Yeah, I read that. That might be a lot of bro science, unfortunately. It might be, you know, some fucking, what's bro science? It's what Brian Callen does. Brian Callen lays some science on you and you know he's not really a scientist.

I do it all the time. Bro science is when you start reciting shit that you heard online. Bro, the fucking thing with THC, it does, is it pulls the lactic acid and then you Google it and it doesn't do any such thing. That's bro science. What is that, a blue e-cig? A blue e-cig. Fuck Steven Dorff. You should do their goddamn commercials, Joey Diaz.

You don't make that up. You smoke that thing, but you're done completely with cigarettes for a long time. You don't worry about relapsing back to cigarettes by sucking on that? No? Can you put that down? How long can you go without one of those? Three or four days. No problem?

You've done that before? I do it because I'm talking to you. I'm loose. But isn't that weird? I want to be loose. I can't smoke weed in here. I don't really want to drink coffee. I want to do something.

Dog, listen, I've always wanted to do something. I don't want to seem like a cop in the fucking room. You know what I'm saying? I don't drink. How creepy is that? I'll take a shit. I tell you what, I like to always take at least one fruity drink at the ice house. I can't do that no more.

The ice house is great. The bartenders are great. They're great. The bartenders are great. They're great. The waitresses are great. You know, you go to the ice house, I can go for a drink at the fucking ice house when I'm up there. The other day I was craving a beer for three days.

I walked around craving a Budweiser. It's cold. I crave cold Heineken's. Do you have one? Do you have one every now and then? You don't like to drink? I forget. I forget to stop and get a beer.

Listen, I will never, ever drink and drive. You want to see me flip out? Let me have a drink and be forced to drive. Because I know I can't keep it together in front of a cop. And I know that I could never. I'd have to cop to it. How stupid am I? I drink and drive.

I'm totally against all that shit. You know what I'm saying? I'll get stoned and fucking do 90 down to it. Like, how stupid am I? I drank and drive. Like, I'm totally against all that shit. You know what I'm saying? I'll get stoned and fucking do 90 down the 101 to the gills because I can handle it, but I can't handle alcohol. Well, people think that being drunk and being high and driving a car are the same thing. That's ignorance. It's not true at all. You can smoke pot and do jujitsu with no problem whatsoever. No problem. Smoke pot and at all. You can smoke pot and do jiu-jitsu with no problem whatsoever. No problem. Smoke pot and you're very coordinated.

Smoke pot and something drops, you catch it. Like your reflexes, everything, they're all there. Unless you're not used to it. If you're not used to it, all you're thinking of is, I remember when I first started getting high, Joey started making fun of me. Because we, I forget what we did. Oh, I remember. We went to the fucking Sunday brunch at the House of Blues.

Remember they had that gospel brunch? Yes. You remember that gospel brunch? Yes, that's how we all went over there. Yeah, we all went over there, and we were toasted to the gills. It was like one of the first weekends I ever got high. And Joey D is like, look at this fucking rookie. I was going, I can't believe how high I am right now.

This is ridiculous. I have to sit here. I wasn't used to it. I didn't know how high i am right now this is ridiculous i can't i'm i'm i have to sit here i wasn't used to it i didn't know how to deal with it nobody knows in the beginning but if i was the same high right now i'd be fine because i know what that is it's a it's what you're doing is when you're too high and you're paranoid and you're frozen you're frozen because you don't know what it is you don't know what what comes next what is this gonna get worse am i gonna get more crazy oh my god how long is this gonna last but when you're used to being high you're like i'm just high dude relax everything's fine you know what it is you know the worst it gets you know the best it gets you've felt the full the full range of the effects

but you were laughing at me, I'll never forget. You're like, look at this fucking rookie. You get so fucking hungry when you first get high. When you first get high, you get so enjoyably hungry. Enjoyably, like the simple, like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is fucking filet mignon in your mouth. Yeah. And you eat it with a bag of chips.

It heightens your senses, right? Yeah, it heightens your senses. You don't even breathe. You're just chewing. I remember giggling. I love to giggle, bro. A couple weeks ago, I ate a cookie, and I was sitting there so fucking stoned

at 8 o'clock at night, and I kept thinking to myself, this is the same cookie Casey Kasem ate. It was the week that he... It was the week that he was missing. He died recently. I felt so bad. I grew up on fucking Casey Kasem. But then there was traffic

and I was watching the news that night and there was traffic on the 405 and I'm like, oh my god. There's traffic on the 405. And then all of a sudden they said the cause of the traffic was that the president of Israel was on the 405. And all of a sudden they said the cause of the traffic was that the president of Israel was on the 405. So they had to lock half of it down. And all I kept thinking about was the president of Israel knows about these cookies. He knows it's a cookie.

Casey Kasemate. And he's coming to L.A. to get these cookies. That's how high I was. And I kept giggling at the thought of my thoughts. That's hilarious. And I was happy. And I love that.. I kept giggling at the thought of my thoughts. That's hilarious. And I love that. I love still giggling. That's what I miss the most about being stoned to the gills,

going to a diner and laughing at the waitress. Just giggling. How you doing, boy? You just fucking, you can't control yourself. Like I miss all that shit. The simple pleasures of weed. The simple pleasures. That's what I look for.

The simple pleasures of being too. Well that's what i look for the simple pleasures of being too well look how many times we've been on the road when we'll be in the middle of nowhere we're in some town and uh it's all of us you know it's like you me red band ari and we'll get blasted and then we'll go somewhere and have a giggle fest like especially when it's all of us you know we have a good group of of two or three of us and we go somewhere on the road and you get really high in some town, it's like we're all in on it together. We're like,

sitting in Starbucks or eating lunch somewhere. We're all stoned and we're trying to get the GPS working and Joey Diaz has meltdown. Well, that was when Joey used to have, when you were at your heaviest, you used to have food meltdowns when you would land.

You'd have to eat right away. No, I'd get anxiety. I was getting anxiety. But it wasn't that. Remember when in Austin you were yelling because you were trying to find someplace to eat? No, no, it wasn't the sugar. It was I just wanted to get to my room and fucking figure out how I was going to do blow, bro. Was that what it was?

But you were eating. We went to some place. I wasn't doing blow in the daytime. I didn't have time to ride around. Listen, when I get off the fucking plane, I got this time. You ain't got this time with me. How would you set that up?

Did you have, like, a network? Yeah, people know. As soon as you get the time, you just talk about it on stage. But, I mean, like, say if you were gonna fly into Austin. Like, say if you needed coke. Did you already know people that you'd get Coke from when you would land? Really? Oh, you're coming.

We're going to come see you. And that was code for we're bringing it. So I knew. But I didn't know at that time in Austin. I just still to this day, I have flight anxiety. When I get off a plane, I got time to dilly-dally. I don't want to walk. I don't want to talk.

I want to get to the room. Let me go upstairs. Let me take a shit. Let me check in. Let me relax. Then we'll do whatever the fuck you want to do. Forget the fucking GPS. We should have got a car with a driver to get us to the hotel.

I ain't got time to land at 4 o'clock to fucking go into traffic with GPS. To this day, I dread landing in LAX after 12. On a Sunday, I won't do it. I'm going back to Austin. I'm doing the, I'm actually doing the comedy club this time. Why? Because I'm preparing for my comedy special. So I'm doing Cap City for the first time in years.

I haven't done Cap City in fucking years. How happy are those people going to be? The 15th and the 16th. I can't wait. In August? Yeah. How happy am I going to be? The 15th and the 16th. I can't wait. You know how happy those people are in August? Yeah, how happy am I going to be? I can't wait. I love that place.

And I, you know, I love doing the theater there. Last time I did Austin City Remus. You said it to me when I was there this time. Yeah, I'm fucking pumped. I like mixing it up, man. That is a great old real comedy club. I really enjoy myself there. I live in Houston, and now the last four times I enjoyed myself there. I lived in Houston

and now the last four times I've been there I love them. There's no better town. There's no better town. I like Margie. I like the Double Tree. I like that

now they put you in a new hotel. That's fucking funky and shit. No more Double Tree? No, you're downtown and shit. They rebuilt downtown

and you're somewhere else and it was really interesting. But the Double Tree was across from Papa Do's. Papacitos or Papa Do's? Papacitos. And Papacitos was around the corner. Yeah, right up the street, right?

Up the fucking street. You could walk to both of them. Fuddruckers? Fuddruckers, yeah, that's right. Fuddruckers. Apparently, you got to, we don't, but you got to fuck with this. There's some barbecue joints in Austin right now that are so off the charts.

Ari said there was a line for an hour and a half. Three hours. I ain't waiting for three hours. I'm not kidding. My mom left Cuba. Listen. I ain't waiting on a line. Yeah, you can pay a guy $9 an hour to wait on a line for you.

That's what you do. I'll give him $20. I know that, but guess what? What? I don't think nobody should stand on the line for three hours for food. I think they should stand on the line, and I think when you get to the front of the line, text me, and I'll fucking show up, and I'll give you $100. No, no, no.

They drive it to you, Joe. They drive it to you. Oh, drive it. That's not good, because then by the time it gets to you, it's not hot anymore. Plus, the motherfucker had his fingers in my brisket. Yeah, you don't want that. You want to get it right when the guy pulls it off of the meat, like, boom, puts it on a plate.

You want to be there while that all goes down. Anthony Bourdain waited in line, just like everybody else. I forget the name on a plate. You want to be there while that all goes down. Anthony Bourdain waited in line just like everybody else. I forget the name of the place. I want to say Franklin's or something like that. Franklin's. And they have the. Yeah, we're almost out of time here. I love you, man.

I love you too, you motherfucker. You're the best. I got to take a water on the way out. You can take whatever you want. Good to see you, Jake. Take one of those C2O coconut waters. I love you, brother. C2O started sponsoring fighters.

I was watching RFA the other day. Some dude has C2O coconut Waters. I love you, brother. C2O started sponsoring fighters. I was watching RFA the other day. Some dude has C2O Coconut Water on his shorts. So salute to you, C2O. Thanks, C2O. Thank you, C2O. They're awesome. It's delicious coconut water, too. If you don't like coconut water, try C2O because it's all with Thai coconuts.

Thai coconuts is a short plant. It's like the Tom Cruise of coconuts. It's only five feet tall, and they're super delicious. It's like a sweet sort of... It almost feels like they add sugar, but they don't. It's just how it tastes. They even have some with the pulp if you like that chewy shit. I like it.

It's not bad. I like without pulp the best, but I don't pass on the pulp ones. I use the C2L in a lot of mixed drinks. It's great for a mixer. Yeah, I would imagine, right? I would imagine. It tastes real good. And you dehydrate at the same time.

You hydrate. Yeah, so I got a couple clubs coming up in July. I'm doing Wise Guys in Salt Lake. Oh, shit. 18th and the 19th. Oh, shit. Almost sold out already. Then I'm doing San Jose Performing Arts Theater on the 26th.

You want to do that? I can't. I'm in Reno. Oh, shit. Reno. Buckle up. What are you doing in Reno? Some club. I want to do that? I can't. I'm in Reno. Oh, shit. Reno. Buckle up. What are you doing in Reno? Some club.

I don't know the name of it yet. I'm doing American Comedy Company in San Diego, too. The 8th and the 9th. I'm not fucking around, Joey. What? August? Yeah. I'm not fucking around, Joey Diaz.

I'm doing the first with you. Yes. The first. Ace Theater, downtown LA. That is August 1st. Me, Joey Diaz, and Duncan Trussell. Suck it! And then August,

we haven't finalized it, but it will be in Denver, Colorado. It will be at the Comedy Works. And that's where I'm going to be doing my next Comedy Central special. And I'm fucking very excited about this. It's my favorite all-time shit that I'm putting together.

I can't wait. I'm real geared up right now. I'm enjoying the shit out of it. If you want to go see the funniest motherfucker on earth, you go see Joey motherfucking Diaz. Joey Diaz, you can get him at... Dom Herrera, next Friday and Saturday at the Ice House. If you're local,

July 10th through the 12th at the San Jose Improv, I'm up there for the Gracie Nationals, the Regionals. I'll be... And then that next week, I'm at the South Point Casino, and then the 25th and the 26th I think I'm in Reno. It doesn't get any better, you fuckheads. We're getting together. Brian, we got anything going on?

What do you got going on right now? We got Kill Tony this Friday with Joe Rogan and Dom Herrera. Oh, shit. At the Ice House. Yeah, at the Ice House this time. 10 o'clock, Ice House. If you're a comic, come at 9 o'clock, sign up. Also Comic-Con 2014, July 23rd and 24th.

Good lord. Florida, August with Sam Tripoli. Three dates. It's all at this time. Good lord. That's my new thing. Good lord. That's from the jungle, bro.

Be careful. You might summon spirits. That's real. That's a real rattle. That's real. That's what you do when you wake up. Be careful. You might summon spirits. That's real. That's a real rattle. That's real. That's what you do when you wake up. 20 seconds. That's real.

Okay, we got to get the fuck out of here. Thanks to NatureBox. Thanks to NatureBox.com. Go to NatureBox.com slash Rogan and save 50% off your first box. Thanks also to Ting. Go to Rogan.Ting.com. Save 25 bucks off your first device. Tonight, Ice House, Ian Edwards, Brian Callen, Sam Tripoli, Tony Hinchcliffe, and me, you fucks.

We love you and you love yourself.