The Joe Rogan Experience - #515 - Ari Shaffir (Part 1)

Episode Date: June 27, 2014

Ari Shaffir is a stand-up comedian and also hosts his own podcasts "Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank" and "Punch Drunk Sports" available on Spotify.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Damn, we said a lot of cool shit before this podcast ever started. We have a Nick Diaz calling into our Punch Drunk sports podcast. Oh really, he's going to call in? Well, we have a... Allegedly, allegedly. Yeah, he calls in all the time.

So did you do Punch Drunk when you were on the road, when you were in China? Yeah, I love doing it from other places. I did it from the Slopes and Vail once. Holy shit. Did you have a guest or did you do Punch Drunk when you were on the road, when you were in China? I loved doing it from other places. I did it from the slopes in Vail once. Holy shit. Did you have a guest or did you do it by yourself? Punch Drunk? No, no, no. Like you called in.

Yeah, Skyped in. Okay. So you did it from like remote locations? Yeah, from the slopes in Vail. Like I pulled over into some woods until my phone went off because it was too cold. That's hilarious. It's always been like, where are you? I did it from the shower once.

We came back from break and I was just like, and Tebow was like, are you fucking showering? What is the audio like when you're Skyping like into a podcast like that? Pretty good as long as I'm on Wi-Fi.

So you could, but have you ever tried doing it on 4G? Yeah, I did it walking around the city a lot. 4G LTE? Yeah. And it works?

Yeah, but sometimes it goes like, especially in New York, it's like comes in and out. That seems like there would be a really cool way to do a podcast. Walking around. Yeah, TBL, CBL, Triple L, CBL. It sounds like this, kind of. It's very room echo-y, though.

Yeah. The good part, what you could do, though, is you could record it separately on an MP3 player and then send them audio later, and they could cut it in so it sounds fine. Oh, I see. So have two recordings going simultaneously, and they would cut it in so it sounds oh i see so have two recordings going simultaneously and they would have to sync them up right the live one would be the only one that kind of that seems like a project that we would give to you and it would take at least a year you would find for all sorts of reasons why you know that that's not going to

happen but i'm so happy you're video editing again. That video of us shooting hard drives. We decided to shoot hard drives. Yeah, my old hard drives. Nice. Yeah, so we, you know. That's funny. More for fun than anything. Yeah. But I always wanted to know what happens when a bullet hits a hard drive.

So we set up some hard drives and loaded up my hunting rifle. Really? Yeah, it's a serious rifle. It's a 7mm Remington Ultramag. Did it just go through it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it went a it's a serious rifle it's a seven millimeter remington ultramag they just let go through it oh yeah yeah it went through it sideways too like it's it's so accurate you could hit it width wise so you're shooting at something that's a hundred yards away and you have about an inch well maybe a little more inch and a half or something like that you get it through that way you can see this is uh this is us shooting at the hard drive as long as you stay put it's all just about staying put and not freaking

out freaking out yeah when you pull the trigger don't flinch it's really hard not to flinch because yeah you got a rifle man that's a fucking rifle breathe out yeah i mean that thing that has a muzzle brake on it which is this thing around around the tip of the rifle bolt, the rifle barrel, rather, that it distributes the energy better. It makes a louder noise, though. So it doesn't, it's 100 yards. So it doesn't kick as much, which is really important because the kick is what scares the shit out of you. That's where you're scared if you clinch up before it happens yeah that's up how do we get to talking about this hard drive destruction we were on a

secrute is route oh your video I'm glad you're doing videos again yeah yeah man so cool to see you doing videos again I was somebody put up a thread of some of your old videos dude you're so talented at that it's like you have such a gift for video editing. I quickly learned, though, how to, how, using, like, editing HD nowadays,

how much fucking computer you need, though, to make it even worth not killing yourself trying to do. Yeah, as far as rendering, right? Well, I don't just

edit videos like that. The videos I do, there's like, at least that had, like, at least 12 layers of audio going on at the same time. Is there some sort of super dope setup that we can get that would convince you to start making videos? Yeah, I mean this I mean this one was fun to do but it you know, I don't know Dude, you could make the bet you make we were making amazing videos

That submission video for some some show on commercial never happened. Yeah, it has like a million views or almost it has a lot i looked at it and i was like wow i got that many no you've got some real talent dude you've got real talent as far as like how you choose scenes and edit things and music and effects into them you're really good it's like you don't just take a video and cut it together and edit it you add something to it you add a lot to it you know you made some awesome videos when we were working together doing those. Taylor always talks about it. David Taylor says that. He was like, you're the first guy to figure out length on the internet with that Mencia

clip. They're like, how do you make a 10 minute long clip that people will actually watch? There's no way. Make it like a show. Make it like a little show. You have a timeline going on. It goes back in time and forward in time. Nowadays it is getting easier, the actual programs.

Like the new Final Cut Pro is cool because it could sync up automatically where you used to have to just try to line up two sounds and stuff like that. It'll just go to sync? Yeah, go to sync. Wow. Yeah, of course that should be a thing. Let's get some bad mama-jama computers into this, man. What are you doing?

I mean, it would be fun to see how much unstressful it is. Dude, we'll get you some Adderall. We'll get you whatever you need. Allegedly, allegedly, this is a comedy show. We're not being, do not take us to a cage. Adderall that motherfucker up.

I was talking to a dude today who recently quit Adderall. Really? Yeah, we were having a conversation. Why, he ran out? No, he was cool. He ran out. Very cool guy.

No, I think he felt like the, I think a lot of people that do the Adderall feel like there's a crash at the end of the day. Oh, you got to have the... It's either the fast acting ones or the time release ones. Yeah. So there's no crash that way. Is that like they slowly weed you off of it? Yeah, they come down so it's not like boom and drop off the cliff.

But he was loving the Adderall when he was on it. Tell him I got to get back on. He was telling me how productive. Really? Yeah, you get shit done. Was. He was telling me how productive. Really? Yeah. You get shit done. Was he self-medicating that one? I do not believe so, but I didn't ask.

I believe he was talking about a doctor. It works so much differently. I'm sure. When you need it or when you don't. It does the opposite thing to you. Yeah. If you need it, allegedly. I don't understand ADD, because I have it.

Hardcore. I don't understand it. Yeah. But I I have it Hardcore I don't understand it Yeah But I think if you If you have it And then you take it It calms you It centers you

Yeah Is that true though? Yeah Well that's what I don't know That's what I heard I don't know I have no idea

I don't know Me neither It's so hard to tell What the fuck is going on It's like You ever See someone drink And then they just

Lose their marbles They just For whatever reason They just lose their marbles Their brain just shuts off They're not there anymore they make terrible decisions you're like how many fucking drinks have you had he's only had like three drinks and they just go away they just go away yeah i can't get that you don't get that i don't know i'll just barf right i'll pass out but i mean do you get that guy oh understand it yeah do you try to get do you try

to get it because obviously something's happening to him. I think there's a very direct, there's a distinctly different physiological effect of alcohol on his body as opposed to your body. Yeah. You and I have gotten drunk a bunch of times together. You just are, you should fear drunk. Yeah. You know, there's nothing crazy at all. You're you.

You're exactly the same guy, but you'll laugh a little bit more. Right, right. You'll be a little bit more ridiculous, like all of us when we're drunk. You get looser. But there are certain folks that they go away. And then there's other guys there. I love that. It's one of my favorite things to say.

They're not making memories right now. No. This is all just unrecorded. That's what's really fucked up. It's like they're in a dream. There's people that have a real issue like that. That was always the sign of alcoholism. If you black out, that means you're an alcoholic.

People are like, what do you mean? I blacked out like a hundred times. Like, yeah, you're an alcoholic. But there is something to say. Like, I've been freaking myself out. Because, I mean, I like to drink. Yeah, you do. But it seems like every night I come home, like, I don't remember the last hour, like, at all.

But then I'm thinking, wait, I only had three drinks last night. I think there's also a lot to do with how much you smoke weed with alcohol. Together, make them both jump off. Yeah, because I... Like, jump started. Like, right now, today, I've only smoked weed, and I really don't remember

what I did last, like, two hours ago. I'm just trying to remember. Well, you didn't get much sleep last night either, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it is for me. It happens a lot, though, where, like, I come home, and I'm like, well, I't get much sleep last night either right yeah yeah yeah that's what it is it happens a lot though where like i come home and i'm like well i don't remember much last night but i smoked like 14 joints well the smoking 14 joints is probably a bad idea but what's a good idea for you is definitely to take a break off the booze and oh yeah that's this week because you're you're healthy i mean look what you did with your life as far as like have fun over the last few years go party you know just be at the comedy clubs all the time.

It's a great fun thing that so few people get to do. There's nothing wrong with doing it. It's like do you do it and manage how much damage you do to yourself in the process? At a certain point in time, I just feel that most folks can't keep drinking. Most folks, they get to a certain point in time. There's always stories about some guy who's 100 years old, smokes cigarettes. But that guy, the reason why you hear those stories is that's unusual as fuck. Most people, when they get to be 50, 60, when they're smokers, they start having real problems, like extreme problems, strokes,

You always say to your grandfather, like, he drank every day until he died. I'm like, how often did you hang out with your grandfather? He's over there jerking off and eating tobacco. Yeah. There's, I don't know how much of it is true. You know, I know there's always a guy that lives to be a hundred and a guy that, uh, you know, smoked all the time and he was fine until the day he died. Yeah, whatever.

But I know people that I've seen their body deteriorate. I've seen their face start to, like, shrivel in. From cigarettes? Yeah. You know that weird thing you do when a guy's a chain smoker and you start to see their face starts to shrivel in? It gets hardened. It's like it's pulling into itself. It's the cross of the sun of the island.

It's dried out. They look gray. Yeah, they go outside all the time to... That leather face, that beach face. Because you've got to be outside smoking. But just, it's... I know several people have died because of cigarettes. Several.

The first was a guy that I knew... Well, I guess I don't have any relatives that died from it. But I knew a guy who was at the pool hall I used to have any relatives that died from it but I knew a guy who was at the pool hall I used to hang out with he died slow cancer yeah he died slow

I knew three guys there I knew three guys there that died from cigarettes that had that smoked cigarettes every day chain smoked and they got cancer and died

does anyone in your family smoke no not anymore but my sister smoked for a little while my mom smoked for a little while well then you're probably

good to go you could probably smoke for a good 20. My mom smoked for a little while. Well, then you're probably good to go. You could probably smoke for a good 20 years if you wanted to. I'm not into it. Thanks, though. No, just 20 years. Just try it. It's probably okay. Probably like, I mean, Ari, you have to admit, you used to enjoy smoking.

Oh, I loved it. Are you kidding me? In China, I was thinking, like, I got the urge back. Ooh, because everybody smokes over there, right? Everybody smokes. Maybe it's the pollution, so I was already feeling it a little, too. I got the urge back. Ooh, because everybody smokes over there, right? Everybody smokes. Maybe it's the pollution, so I was already feeling it a little too. I got the urge back. Did you get close to saying fuck it?

No, I was looking at people with their cigarettes going, hmm. Do you think that you could smoke for like a week and then not get hooked again? No. No. I think I'm two cigarettes I'm fully hooked. Oh, my goodness. One is still, I can still like, that was disgusting. But you know what?

It might be disgusting, but then it starts going away through your body, just moving and then the next day you'd be like, yeah, I need one. I really wish I understood addiction. I had a guy on here, this Dr. Carl Hart, who explained addictions to me. But when you talking to a guy, super smart, knows a lot about the human body and the mechanisms of addiction. And he's explaining to me, I'm hearing the words he's saying, and i get what he's trying to explain to me but i totally don't understand the mechanisms of how these addictions work i don't understand it but the way he was saying it was that it's more mental than anything it's more people just it's in their mind the actual physical addiction he said is not that big of a deal yeah like the people eat their couches and

stuff that's people who eat their couches and stuff. People who eat their couches? Yeah, you know those weird addictions. People who eat their couches. Eat the couch cushion out a little bit at a time. Oh, Jesus, I haven't seen that. I saw a chick who was eating tape. Yeah, stuff like that. She was addicted to eating tape. She would pull the plastic tape, break it off,

put it in her mouth, and start chewing it. But there's nothing chemical to that. That's just mental. That's crazy person. Yeah. That's just 100% crazy person. But that's also an addiction. Yeah. That's what's weird That's crazy person. Yeah. That's just 100% crazy person. But that's also an addiction. Yeah.

That's what's weird about being a person. There's addictions of. I'm addicted to it. Yeah, there's like addictions. I can't stop it. That are like, they're just compulsive. They're a habit. For whatever reason, you just feel the need to do it.

And a cigarette apparently is one of those. Food's a big one. Food's a big one. For some folks, it's the drive-thru. That rush that you get when you're not supposed to go to that drive-thru, but you, fuck it, let's do this. And it's like you get an addiction to that feeling. You treat it like you're skydiving.

Yeah. You're stopping at Arby's. Well, dude, I've had that feeling. You've had that feeling too, especially when you're drunk. Right? It does feel good to know you're going to get food. Yeah. You're going to get some delicious, delicious.

Remember when we used to walk to Carney's right down the street from the store? That's some of the worst shit you could ever eat in your life. Yeah, it was so good. So good. I had it like last year again. Yeah, you should never eat it. It's so good. Every time I eat it, I was like, what the fuck did I just do to my body?

There's no food pyramid where that's on. Yeah, you get chili fries on top of a chili dog. That's totally an addiction. That place is an addictive place. Those kind of places of a chili dog. That's totally an addiction. Oh. That place is an addictive place. Those kind of places are addictive and great. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad they exist.

Greece. I would go there tomorrow. Yeah. I would go there tomorrow. But there's a certain addiction to that. This is very peripheral because you're not doing it

all day every day like you can with cigarettes. So I would imagine just the ritual aspect of the tradition, the habit would be way bigger because you're doing it all day something with your hands too yeah you're doing this all day it's i just had to chew on cigarettes for years oh that to win on cigarettes oh for the same six minutes it would have taken to smoke it and then throws it out and starts a new one That's smart of him but then he started smoking again And he started smoking again

But then one time I saw him on stage He threw one out and started a new one And he goes what are you doing Dice What are you doing Toothpicks are $3.99 for $100 That's so Dice That he would worry about how much money he's spending I'm giving these jerk-offs.

Yeah, he's got to get a special brand cigarette that he wasn't even smoking for like five years. There is something very calming about it, though. Like when you're stressed or if you... Do you want a cinnamon stick? Oh, yeah. No, no. A cigarette? Yeah, absolutely.

There's a real effect. But here's what's crazy. That real effect is just that you're addicted to cigarettes. No, nicotine is calming also. But it's not, though. It's what's crazy. That real effect is just that you're addicted to cigarettes. No, nicotine is calming also. But it's not, though. It's a stimulant. Nicotine is more of a stimulant, I'm pretty sure. I don't think it has a calming effect.

It's also a calm because you're like, oh, now I don't need a cigarette anymore. Well, let's Google that because we live in 2014, and I might be totally wrong. But the way it was explained to me and the way Dr. Hart describes it is that what's going on is you have this buildup and this need to get it in your body. Then when you get it in your body, you calm yourself. So that when you're in a situation where you're very stressed out, you absolutely have extraneous external stress. But you're also in the stress of the fact that you need a cigarette. Maybe it also seems like the same feeling as when you get a cigarette. So when you do actually get stressed, it's like, oh, this reminds me of the time I should have cigarettes.

Yeah, yeah. And again, I think what we talked about earlier, that the daily ritual aspect of a cigarette must be incredibly strong. Because you do it so often. Especially if you have a drink. How many people tell you they only smoke when they drink? Yeah, a lot of people. Right? What is that?

You know you're doing something bad. It's the same thing as eating their carnies. You know you're doing something bad and you're like, fuck it. It's a ritual. When I get drunk, I like to do that. It's like the flavor of coffee and cigarettes together is like the best two ingredients that make the best pie ever.

Yeah, nicotine is a stimulant. It was good. This is the actual explanation of what nicotine is. Nicotine is a stimulant. It was good. This is the actual explanation of what nicotine is. Nicotine is a potent, boy, here we go, sympathomimetic. That's my middle name. Parasympathomimetic alkaloid found in the nightshade family of plants and is a stimulant drug.

Nightshade? Mm-hmm. That sounds cool. That's why people like to smoke cigarettes after they fuck. Sell those at Hot Topic. Sounds like a G.I. Joe guy. It's a nicotinic acetylcholine receptor agonist.

It's made from the roots and accumulates in the leaves of plants, which is obviously a tobacco plant. I think some other plants have nicotine, too. There were a lot of words in there I didn't know. Yeah. I think you can get nicotine from, I want to say guarana. Really?

It might be something differently. I mean, some other different kind of... You ever have that acai? Mm-hmm. That's what that is. That's guarana berries. Yeah. Acai.

I'm pretty sure. Is acai guarana? Guarana. It's spelled like something different, right? How's it spelled? Acai. I'm pretty sure. Is acai guarana? It's spelled like something different, right? How's it spelled? Acai. You can never spell it. A-C-A-I.

Is Nigeria going to play Germany tomorrow? A-C-A-I. Is Nigeria going to play Germany? Yeah. There's a black guy on the Nigerian team. I mean, on the German team. Why? What's so funny?

I just wondered. This acai stuff is so delicious But apparently when you get it in Brazil You get like the pure form of it And a lot of times what we get has a lot of sugar in it I wonder who's got the best acai But it's So I'm wrong, it's not that other fruit What did I say it was?

What did I think it was? Guarana Guarana? Guarana. I think guarana is a totally different thing. Oh, yeah, I know. But guarana is some sort of a stimulant. Guarana is like caffeine. You ever have that shit, that soda, that Brazilian soda?

Uh-uh. At Fogo de Chão, you never had that green guarana soda? Oh, yeah, I was going to talk about uh-uh. Oh, son, you're missing out. If you're going to go to Fogo de Chão, you never had that green Guarana soda? Oh, yeah. Oh, son, you're missing out. If you're going to go to Fogo do Chão and have the full Brazilian experience, you've got to get one of those Guarana sodas. I want to go back to Brazil. Oh, so good.

I want to go there. Or Fogo. Yeah, Fogo. Yeah, sounds good. They have real Fogos. They have the original Fogos in Rio. Chicken hearts. Yeah, they have chicken hearts and organs.

They love to eat like that, man. Those people love to eat like that. the original fogos in rio chicken hearts yeah they have chicken hearts and organs and they love to eat like that man those people love to eat like that guarana has caffeine yes it does caffeine yeah so that stuff has caffeine in it that's what i was getting confused with so guarana i'm pretty sure is a totally different thing acai yeah it doesn't even look like it acai is those uh berries anyway the important thing is keep smoking because it stimulates you. Don't. Listen to these guys. They're fucking with you, man.

Don't do it. It was so good. I wonder how many people asked me to talk about cigarettes and how bad they were. Got the urge and lit up. I'm sure they did. They're probably smoking right now. At least some. Cursing us.

You know what I wish? I wish I never smoked my whole life and on my 40th birthday I would start smoking. Because who cares? By the time you turn 80, who cares if you get cancer? Oh, my God. You're so retarded. Why would it be then? Why wouldn't it be when you're 43?

Sure. I wonder about you sometimes. Maybe that fucking computer, sitting in front of the computer editing just cooked you. You ever think of that? That's what I'm saying, Joe. That shit's not good for you. You're a different man now. Maybe you can do it from a distance With a remote controller

You get addicted to things And you start looking at things And overplaying stuff over and over You'll play something over Three hours in a row And you're just looking But that's a sign of being Really in love with what you're doing

You're just really connected You're obsessed with your work You know that when you release those really good ones And you got awesome response online really in love with what you're doing. You're just really connected. You're obsessed with your work. Yeah. Come on, man. You know that when you release those really good ones and you got awesome response online from people that. It's just work. Universally on that message board, people

talk about how great your video editing skills were. Did your eyes burn at the end of that? Right about it. At the end of those nights where you're like, ah. I'm sure. Yeah.

They actually say that that is what's happening. It's cooking your tear ducts. Wow, really? You know, there's something about it, like it dries out your tear ducts. It's really? There's something about it like it dries out your tear ducts. It's really bad for you. I still cry.

Well, I got a pair of glasses and they're yellow. Yeah. They're supposed to cut down on the glare. It's like less intrusive. It's like shooting glasses. They look just like

the type of glasses you wear on the range. Because looking through yellow is supposed to be like... Remember they have those stupid fucking commercials for those cheap ass sunglasses? Oh, what are those called? HD glasses. They're the best sunglasses. They put on thesed glasses they're the best sunglasses they would go to the beach what do you think of these oh my god everything's so much clear wow yeah

sagura wears them yeah me and tom but really yeah well those are the ones that you're supposed to look at when you like look at your computer h It's very nice. I've seen it on TV. HD vision. It wraps around my normal spectacles. Yeah, you got the side ones too. There's a little window on the side. Listen, Ari, you got nothing to say to that guy. Look at him. What are you and him going to talk about? You're on a bus next to each other for five hours.

I heard about that. So what do you do for a living? I'm just a comic. Where did you get those glasses? Oh, these are my HD wraparounds I've seen on TV What? Oh really?

You saw them on TV You ordered them from TV? They allow me to see you In a totally different light Like what? I'm a meta Jew You can see the horns What is

What is it like being a Jew? Rawr What is it like? My favorite question My favorite stupid question To ask somebody What is it like to Whatever

What do you mean? What's it like to be Fucking funny? Seven's it like to be fucking funny? Seven. It's like eight. Yeah. What's it like to have those beautiful wraparound yellow sunglasses? It's like not having them, but it's way better than that.

Yeah, people say some weird shit to people sometimes. What's it like? Yeah, it must be nice. What's it like? What's it like drinking a Coca-Cola? What's it like to have him for a brother? For what? Him for a brother.

What's it like? I don't know. What's it like to have him for a brother? Yeah, it's like. What's it like to have her for a mom? Huh? Fuck, bro. I guess the experience is.

Yeah, people say douchey things like on the sneak tip. They can say douchey shit like that where you're not supposed to get mad at them, but you're allowed to anyway. What the fuck are you doing? What kind of question is that? It's going nowhere. You're wasting everyone's time. What's it like to have her for a mom? What the fuck?

What kind of question are you asking me, bitch? Like, that's some weird person, right? That's a person who's not nice. Yeah. They're being douchey with you. Fuck them. Fuck them right back. Fuck them right back fuck them right back

son yeah shit joe did you uh follow that story about that kidnapping of the kid that they found in the base yeah what the hell was that about that's so suspect which kid it's very suspect right yeah what happened nancy grace interviewed uh the guy the father too i guess last night i didn't watch it but i heard it was uh you're trying to tell me that you didn't look in the basement for your son, and he was in there for 11 days? Is that what you're trying to tell me, sir? And wasn't he like, I just thought my son was dead? Huh?

He was just trapped in there? He was hiding. Oh. Apparently. The official story. He died? No. No, he's alive.

They went looking for him for like 11 days. The kid was in the basement the whole time hiding. Hiding in what? Hiding behind some shit. In a self-built dungeon? He decided to make himself like a little house back there. Oh, wow. So whatever.

He had food and clothes. Yeah. Obviously, there's something wrong. You know? I mean, that doesn't seem like a normal kid wants to be around their parents. Right. You know, kids don't usually want to hide. It must be much more than it.

For 11 days. I don't want to even speculate. You're saying the dad must have done something. No way some kid hides for 11 days. Something's wrong. Whatever it is, whoever did something, it seems like something's wrong. How many people are out there like that that we don't know about? What percentage of the population is in some terrible place like that

where they're trying to hide from their parents or they're trying to hide from someone in their family or someone they're close to? What percentage? It is Detroit, Michigan. The kid's 11. He might just have a girlfriend. He's fucking in a basement somewhere.

That's true. He could be banging in a basement. I don't think so, though, because they said they found him solo back there. Maybe he decided to go on an epic masturbation. What was he like when they found him? I don't know so though Because they said they found him Solo back there Yeah Maybe he decided to go on An epic masturbation What was he like When they found him

I don't know He had food Yeah He had food down there He was hiding But there was blood That was found Like on rags and stuff

There's a lot of weird questions About this whole thing Oh boy I didn't hear about that part It could be right But girls Do girls get their period now At 11

In Detroit they do They do I heard Detroit's becoming a cool city again. Is it because of the metal? Don't. Whoever said that, tell them to go fuck themselves. All these artists are moving in there, and it's changing up. Listen, I hope that happens.

But we were just there a little while ago. Yeah. There's houses that are $500. You know what? We're going to be kicking ourselves in 20 years. We're like, what do you mean? You could have gotten a house for $10, and you didn't do it? Why didn't you buy a hundred at $10?

All due respect to Kid Rock and Eminem, I'm not moving to fucking Detroit. I'm not buying property there. It's just, it went bad. I hope it goes back, but it went bad. What are they going to do? Suddenly build new plants there? Well, listen, the folks that are there, I definitely think there's like an artist community there. And there's a lot of cool, we met a lot of cool people that live there.

No doubt about it. But I'm saying if you were trying to like invest in something that you thought would definitely like, you think you're stealing money. It's going to take a lot of work to bring Detroit back. In Detroit. People are cool as fuck though, man. I enjoyed hanging out there. People were super nice. But I felt bad.

We were on this river um where uh these people were fishing and i was like this water is not clean this is dirty water and they're like yeah it is and it's like it's one of the most the area around zug island's one of the most polluted areas in the country wow and these people are fishing it and i was like man i mean how i don't know if they're testing these fish i don't know if people are just eating them there were chinese people fishing in those fucking dirty then it centers like what are you doing even the residents were like what are you doing they just they need food man that's what it is you know you might have a fish that's not so good but at least you're not hungry you know right cook it up good

shit if you're smoking cigarettes already you know what a difference does it make if you eat a fucking metallic fish some fish loaded up with fish has a polluted heavy metal pollutions apparently they checked a fish that they caught outside of fukushima yeah and it was fine and it was a one of the fish it was a this is a science guy who debunks a lot of the myths about you, climate change and disasters and all sorts of like, when he's like very, very, uh, strict, very, um, very, very concise with his, uh, you know, like whether it's politically correct or not.

Yeah. Very, very scientific about his, um, explanations for these things. And he was explaining that this is a fish that is indigenous to this area. It doesn't migrate. Oh, that's what's here. It's been sucking in that water

filled with radiation. It's only like a mile off the coast. I think it was less than a mile. And you can eat it. He's like, these fish are fine. Like you don't have to worry about the fish. Have they caught fish that weren't like that? They have caught fish that have an elevated

amount of radiation in it. And this is what's been really fascinating about Fukushima. Obviously I'm a fucking idiot. So when you're listening to me, anything that i say that might sound tricky google it what's what's fascinating about this is that it's opened me up to paying attention to how many different things have radiation like there was an article the other day that said grand central station has more radiation naturally occurring because of all that stone, all that marble that

they have inside of there. Oh, really? That marble, it gives off a certain amount of natural radiation. Radiates. It radiates. And there's more radiation inside that giant train station than is allowable at a nuclear

power plant for workers. Yes. Wow. Wow. But it's natural radiation. So that's better for you? I don't know. I don't understand that.

Natural cholesterol? That's where shit gets weird. But when you're on a plane, you're taking mega doses. We had Ensign Inoue, who lives in Japan. Yeah. And Ensign, he does a lot of relief work for people up in Fukushima, trying to help people and spread the word about how bad the situation is and how many displaced people are up there. He said that he brought his Geiger counter with him.

He brings Geiger and he brought in a plane. I said, when you're in a plane, it's like the same as when you're in Fukushima. It's fucking terrible. My dad said that you could actually hang out there for a couple hours and you'll be fine. So if you find a fish that's like a mile off ashore, that fish is probably not just hanging out at that exact location for the whole time. It probably just swam there, got caught. So it's probably safe enough to eat this fish. No, but that fish wasn't a migratory fish.

That was one of the reasons why it was significant. I guess, yeah. The water is. I think it's hard to put in our stupid little heads how big the fucking ocean is. It's pretty big. Yeah, it's hard. It's so big.

It's bigger than the continent. Yeah. If you look at what the Pacific Ocean looks like and you look at the continent of North America, we're like this little tiny thing in there. We don't show the whole thing on the map because there's not enough room to show the whole thing on the map.

Oh, really? I mean, sort of. I mean, look, you don't really get it. You don't get it. There's no way you get it. The only way you get it is when you fly in Australia and you look out the window. What do you mean? How can they not find, just go out there and find it?

It's so fucking far. You don't understand, dude. It's so fucking, there's so much water. You can't see an end to the left. You can't see an end to the right. You can't see an end ahead. And you can't see an end behind you. There's, everywhere you look is just water.

Life of Pi. And you, yeah, and you better have a fucking good one of them compasses life yeah that's the stuff we're gonna get back to exactly there was a part in life the play i just watched it in 3d the other day but there was a part in it where the tiger made this crazy face right before he was about to pee on on the main character and it was so trippy that it was made me wonder why they threw it in there. Like, it was very unrealistic. And you were saying that you thought the movie kind of felt unrealistic, the tiger. Well, it was completely unrealistic as far as the dynamic of the relationship between the guy and the tiger. The fact that they fought over food.

The fact that he beat the tiger back and he was on a boat. I mean, I can go so far if he had superpowers. If he was Wolverine or something like that, he could survive. But the end, explain that. You understood the end, how he explained all that. Yeah.

It didn't really happen. No, he's hallucinating. But during the movie, I'm like, this is just pissing me off. Right, because it's too much. When he was trying

to get up that ladder and he wouldn't let him in the boat, man, that was some deep shit right there. It was deep shit. But the problem is,

that's, you know, my only problem with it is the unreal, I mean, I shouldn't have a problem with it if it's just a dream. Right. But the unrealistic movement of the cat drove me fucking crazy. Because without that, the whole movie does not exist. It doesn't work.

Oh, right. It's just a special effects movie. Yeah, because if you- Like that Judge Dredd where they all use a slow-mo. Did you see that one? Yes. Yeah, like this is, wow, this is a commercial for that camera. Yeah, you can't do that.

Hey, did you like Godzilla? I'm going to guess yes. Only the end. I love the end. What was the end? When he killed that monster. Yeah. Shh.

Spoiler alert. No, you can spoil it. I just went like this, and I'm pointing at your headphones. Don't be spoiler alert. You get a limited amount of time, and then it's like, go fuck yourself. Ample opportunity. You can say somebody who's a Super Bowl winner the next day. limited amount of time and then it's like go fuck yourself. Ample opportunity. You can say somebody who's a Super Bowl

winner the next day. I can give away Star Wars. At some point it's a shitty movie. You have a year to watch it. It wasn't that shitty.

It was just dumb. People in here are hating on it so much. It's like the hipster thing to do. It was just so dumb. Even Breaking Bad

was like unpleasant in it. It didn't do anything good. He's dying. Why is this storyline in there? I almost said what happens to him. Say it all. It has problems. No, don't do that.

Listen, it was a decent special effects movie. That's it. That's it. Godzilla was most certainly, no spoilers, no spoilers, most certainly the best Godzilla of all time, without a doubt. You didn't mind the part where he got knocked out and buried under that building, and then all of a sudden he was up and fighting again, and then the next scene he was back to buried under that building?

Nobody likes guys getting knocked out with pistols in the movie and then getting up and then duking their way out of a bar. Nobody likes that more than me. Those are my favorite scenes. No, no. Because they're so unrealistic. I'm saying not getting up, then duking their way out of a bar nobody likes that more than me those are my favorites no no because they're so unrealistic i'm saying not getting up being buried under a building suddenly fighting the second mothra guy and then back to buried under the building as if he never had gotten out of it yeah ridiculous yeah like just terrible editing that really happened yeah he got out i was like wait what's happening i thought it was there's

no consistency yeah they just edited it wrong. How about the dude? Yeah, horrible. The dude had the worst luck of all time, but yet the best luck. Yeah, it was all fine for him. The main character, all these terrible things keep happening, and yet he just stays alive. But Godzilla looked awesome. What I loved about Godzilla was the face. It was incredible. I was going to ask you, Tony said that he hated it

because the face was really round and he looked very Japanese and cutesy. Cutesy? No way. Tony's an evil man. I think that was Tony

who said that. I'm pretty sure he's the one that said that. He looks Japanese and evil. Tony Hinchcliffe? Yeah, and cutesy. Cutesy. I will go with cutesy.

Yeah, Tony Hinchcliffe. I don't know what he was thinking about it looking cutesy I thought Godzilla looked awesome he looked pretty cool I had no problem

with the look I just thought I felt like the movie felt it felt like a bunch of Hollywood people made it but like in an afternoon

well it just felt like when you have a an idea that's that high concept you can run into cut the shit moments you can run into a bunch of cut the shit moments.

And there was just too many of them. Way too many. Yeah. I mean, you could get away with doing a movie like 28 Days Later.

Obviously, they're completely different types of movies, but there was no cut the shit moments in that movie. That movie was hard fucking core.

There was one. Dragged you into it. Really? Yeah. What was one? When he's in the... Spoiler alert. Oh, come on.

It's been a fucking decade and a half. I think probably more. What was the spoiler Spoiler alert. Oh, come on. It's been a fucking decade and a half. I think probably more. What was the spoiler? So he goes to that compound with all the army people. They turn because I like it realistic. That's what humans would do. Right.

That's, you know, not Bukowski, whatever. Somebody's view of the world. Nietzsche? No. Who's that director? Kubrick. Kubrick. Yeah. He would always,? No, who's that director? Kubrick. Kubrick. Yeah.

He would always, like humans will just devolve into animals. Pretty much true. Take away society. So that's fine, but then he like releases like the one zombie

into the, they were keeping, but he's like suddenly an expert with weapons. The whole movie is like trying to figure out what's happening. I love that.

They have no clue. He's never going to try to find a cure. He's not that special. And then suddenly he's just got, he's really awesome with a machine gun out of nowhere. Mo, how long had he been hanging out

with those resistors? It was too fast. Too fast. It was the only moment, though. It was the only moment. Everything else was great. What if he had a background in the military or some shit?

Yeah, that's right then. Yeah. Then you could explain that. Yeah, okay, that makes sense. That's very cliche, though. The lone guy who had a background in the military, he's a loner. Fucking Walking Dead does the same shit. Carl, he's been using a gun.

He's fucking six. He can shoot somebody over his father's shoulder at like 80 yards. He's older now. Carl's been shooting a lot of zombies. You get good at shit like that. Kids are good at video games. Everyone in that world is awesome at guns. I feel bad for Carl because he has zero chance of getting laid.

There's no pussy for Carl. Poor Carl. What do you mean? He's already wandering around shooting zombies. There's no pussy. He's like some older chicks that might eventually take him. Would you cut... I'm going to change the question.

How long till you would, once you heard about cutting off the arms of zombies and like... Carry one around with you? No, fuck one. Fuck one? Yeah. I would worry that... Look like, so they wouldn't bother you. Can I run around with you? No, fuck one. Fuck one? Yeah. I would worry that, look, dude, I wouldn't fuck someone with AIDS. Imagine fucking someone with a zombie. It seems like people with AIDS live a lot longer than zombies.

Yeah. People with AIDS look way better than zombies. They just need some fucking medication. There's modern drugs. Okay. But I wouldn't do that. Would you? What?

Fuck a guy who had AIDS? No What? Fuck a guy who had AIDS? No. What about a girl who had AIDS? Of course not. Okay, no, of course not. So why would you fuck a zombie? Because there's nobody else to fuck. We have other people to fuck.

But dude, you wouldn't. But if there was no one else to fuck, that always puts someone with AIDS. Hold a zombie down and jerk off on its back. What if there was no one else? Oh, yeah, maybe. Just fondle its butt. But you'd have a problem.

Caress the butt. You'd have a problem. You'd still feel like a rapist. Imagine holding some girl zombie down, and she's screaming and gnashing at you. And you're trying to fuck her. You'd feel terrible. What if it started screaming a different way?

You'd feel the... What if you fucked them, and they came back to life? Thank you. I couldn't tell you But that was a secret You had to fuck me Could you imagine I found a cure That none of you

Were going to believe But I'm telling you Like a prince A prince and a frog I'm telling you The girl had to kiss the frog Right

The guy's got to fuck the zombie And boom She comes back to life But you cut my fucking arms off Asshole I'm so sorry I didn't know I thought you were

Never coming back That's a great idea for a movie and everyone just starts fucking zombies and then you have to fuck the little ones too just so they become

Sometimes they bite you while you're doing it like, fuck, now I gotta turn. It would be called Rape the Undead. Rape, yeah. That would be the

and it would all Rape the Undead? Yeah, the whole all through the movie would be death metal. Just guys kicking doors down, holding zombies down, white pale asses bobbing up and down,

male and female zombies. Just an interracial, intergender orgy of fucking dead people. As they get healthy again, they'd have to start fucking whatever zombies are left. Go back to the compound. Dude's got a fucking oil drum filled with Viagra. I got to fight the fight.

For the future. Imagine it's like between fucking and biting, like it's a race between the fuckers and the biters. Because the biters would fuck you back a little bit. They'd bite you back and the fuckers would fuck. It'd be like the game of Othello. It totally would be. Could you imagine if the only way that you could get them to come back is to fuck them? You'd have to fuck everybody. You'd even have to fuck your enemies because you wouldn't want them being zombies and eating your family.

Yeah, they'd be a danger. You'd have to fuck them. Yeah. You'd have to come up with a boner to fuck your landlord, that annoying lady who lives down the block, the fucking yappy poodle. That bitch turned into a zombie. You've got to fuck her. One zombie's making it really hard for you. Like, I got this one.

Everybody would be rushing to yoga mat places. God. To try to fuck all the yoga zombies. How long until it would take you to... Oh, yeah, whoever got locked in the yoga, whatever happened there. If you get to a yoga mat, most likely you're going to have some hot chicks in there.

These in-shape zombies. They're zombies. And that might kind of be a freak thing. Or the farts have stayed in there for too long. What if the zombie just completely gave in to you? What if the zombie started backing up on your dick? It was a female yoga zombie. She started backing up on your dick.

She was really into it. You're like, holy shit. But she still reaches back, claws at you, so you got to hold her wrist. But she's backing into you. Yeah, would you go to yoga first? Yeah, so it's the first place I'd go. If I was on a mission

to save the world, I'd go to the yoga. Korean barbecue. Korean barbecue. Asian ones. Yeah, but see, it's a race between if you could fuck them

before they can bite you or their friends bite you. So you can't go into places like a fucking Korean barbecue solo. Plus if they bite you, they might eat you. If you don't come back at all. They might eat you. That's a good point. They might kill you. You only turn into one of them if they bite you a little.

If they bite you a little, yeah. Get a little blood on you. I come fast, so I won't be worried. How fast? Because I'll be making an army real quick. I think you need to fill them up. I think every time you come inside of them, they get a little less zombie.

More human. You've got to hold them down for weeks, chain them up in your basement, bang them. But then the problem would be you'd both get addicted to having sex in that way once you become a normal person. How long do you get hard every time you hear, you would start just boner.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe just automatically you hear that, you hold the chick's hands behind her back. She's like, what the fuck? I don't like this, Ari. Cut this shit. I was like, sorry. I thought we were playing rape zombie. What would be gross is they would all come back to life,

but half of them would be missing chunks of their neck Come back to life But half of them Would be like Missing like chunks Of their neck Oh yeah They heal up So they heal up Everything's fine

So she's got no lips She's a sweet girl She draws pictures Of the things she wants I like walking down With you holding To that hand too much It just evaporates

Like Their hand breaks off In your hand But now they're A regular person They start crying And looking at their stubs I like walking down with you hold until that hand too much. It's just a backwards like Breaks off Regular person they start crying and looking at that That's why is it that's the thing that people are constantly worried about the constantly worried about the zombie apocalypse That's like a recurring theme cuz man he's fucking Bible. Is that what it is? No, I don't know There's no such thing as zombies in the Bible, but do you think it's because people worry that? It's so loosely put together

Society's so loosely put together They could easily just fuck up Something could go wrong What would make it go wrong Some fucking disease that gives us rabies or something You think of things like that Like oh don't go near that squirrel He's got rabies

When 12 Monkeys came out I'm like that shit's real man That shit's real They have toxins that can get with everybody That was a terrifying movie. There's a lot of those movies. How many of those apocalyptic movies are there? Tons.

Fuckload of them, man. 28 Days Later, 28 Weeks. What was the Rage one? That was 28 Days Later. Yes. There was something, a chimp disease, right? They manufactured it, and then it got into people. It got out.

God damn, that was a good zombie movie they were fast as fuck like oh wow it's way worse if they're really fast way better i don't know how the fuck they went back to slow zombies after that 28 days later would be 10 times more epic if those motherfuckers were fast rage could you imagine if those motherfuckers were fast that movie would be that show would be so different running after you as fast as it can. I don't know if you could do it. I mean, maybe one of the elements in being able to construct these stories that take place over long periods of time is that the zombies can't be the biggest threat.

Because if they're not the biggest threat, then people sort of become the biggest threat. Right. Because that show is a show about, the zombies are sort of periphery at this point. Like what the show's really all about is people like turning on people. What, Walking Dead? Yeah. Oh, right, right, right. That's what it's all about.

Yeah, zombies are like, it's just like a speed bump. There should be nothing. It should be nothing. Like I used to go crazy when I watched that show and they were all at the prison and they were all outside. I'm like, why aren't you killing them? And then one day it became a problem. Like they're right there.

They're pressed up against the cage. Occasionally you'd see them kill them, but it became a problem like what they're right there they're pressed up against the cage occasionally you'd see them kill them but there were days on in whether they're out there planting tomatoes i thought about that because there's there because they're right outside the fence you mean yeah there's there's millions of them just fucking kill them every day that's what you do today dude that's what you do today just catch them on fire you know like just pour like hot law that's too that's too hard why would you do that you just stab in the head you stabbing the head? You're stabbing the head, it takes five seconds That's your workout for today

Yeah, that's your workout Well, if there were so many, you could just mow them all down in like big portions See, that's what you're thinking, you're taking the lazy way out You don't want goddamn exercise I'm thinking like one of those miner's axes, one of those pick axes And you're just doing like kettlebell exercises Just smashing these zombie things in the head. Yeah, and you switch.

You got to do a lot of lefties because you don't want to imbalance your back. Do you think you could do that? Could you, even if it was a zombie? Because I think I'd be like, too, like, eee! What are you talking about? I could do that right now. It'd be gross. If it was a crew of zombies, I wouldn't need any preparation.

There are zombies up against a fence. It wouldn't even take me five seconds to stab the first zombie in the head. If you gave me a nice big sword type thing and there were zombies and I had to stab them, I would immediately start stabbing zombies. Yeah, but you would see the human elements of them. Like a little necklace. You're like, oh, that necklace. Nope, nope.

Right in the brain. Nope. That's not a little kid. That's a monster. Off with his head. Yeah. They always have that when somebody sees their kid. No problem.

Yeah, whatever. Not me. Stabby, stab that when somebody sees their kid. No problem. Yeah, whatever. Not me. He's like, stabby, stabby. I know how to get over things. And that's stabbing through the face. I'll help you get over it. I'm so fucked up. That was the most fucked up part of that show

where guys had to kill their wives and shit and kill their family members and kill their daughters. That's tough. The one guy that kept his daughter locked up and thought she was sick. He kept talking to her all the time. That's dark.

Yeah. That is dark, dark, dark. It would be that example of it. It would be that example. Oh, that very specific scenario would definitely take place with a lot of people. It would be too hard for them to take. And also, they would also hope that one day there'd be a cure. Yeah.

So that we could save them. But they're carrying this threat around all the time. I wonder if you could have the same show with that 28 Days Later style. No. Well, oh, just people surviving like that? The zombies much faster. Just much faster. So much faster.

But would the stories be the same? Because it seems like they would be, the zombies would be a way bigger threat. Yeah. They were. They're on you at any time and then it's over. Yeah. They were a way bigger threat. Way better you could get away.

So you couldn't have as many many relationships with people that go bad. You wouldn't really get to that. You'd just be scrambling for survival. And these things would be, I'm fucking chasing after you full clip with crazy bloodshot eyes. You remember that? 28 weeks later. It was pretty good, too.

Yeah, it was pretty good. It wasn't as good, but it's pretty goddamn good. Pretty goddamn good. Yeah. That's a realistic monster scenario not like godzilla oh there's something that's on the ocean it's been there the whole time waiting oh get the fuck out of here yeah we tried to kill it during world war ii they were trying to kill it that's what the nuclear bomb they weren't tests they were trying to kill something it's all so dumb fuck so badly acting tests you dummy you can watch the animated GIF online. Those tests that they did in the South Pacific,

they weren't shooting Godzilla. You can't rewrite history. It was a shitbox movie. They did that in the X-Men, too. What? They said that Kennedy was a mutant. Bitch. Yeah.

Stop. How do you think one man got shot three times by one bullet? He was trying to curve the bullet away. Bitch. Oh, yeah. Stop. You guys I can't believe

You left that in the script That's one of the Someone should have Been in the room Brian's always said that You need to take it To a board of people Who are like

We will watch this And tell you like What's ridiculous Yeah Just normal people Like we're all sitting around Smoking a joint Why would he do that

Why would he do that We should offer that As a service Yeah The death squad movie reviews Watch the movies Good idea We'll sit down Watch a movie together together, and then give them feedback.

Why the fuck would we listen to you assholes? It's worthless already. But we'll give you honest feedback. We'll cuss in our feedback, probably. We'll be like, that was fucking stupid. We'll use wording like that. That guy would never do that. You know what they would need?

They would need something where you would agree to not talk about it. If it was really bad? They would need something where you would agree to not talk about it. Like, if it was really bad. They would need that. That's how you know a movie's going to suck, when there's no critic reviews, because they don't put it before the critics. They're like, you guys are going to pan it. And they all know it. So, like, when you see no ratings on Rotten Tomatoes, avoid that movie. The day before.

They know it's a piece of shit. Not even those people are deluded enough to think people will like this. There's also weird movies that they don't release for years. Yeah. They sit on the shelf and they're like, do you remember Antonio Banderas, the 13th warrior? Do you remember that? Mm-mm. It was originally called The Eater of the Dead.

It was a... God, who is the fucking... What happened to Antonio Banderas? He's just chilling, man. He got a lot of money. Just enjoying himself? Eating pineapples and drinking margaritas and shit. Eaters of the Dead.

The 13th Warrior. 6.6. Yeah, it was one of those movies that took a long time to come out. It was a Michael Crichton book. Oh, wow. Yeah. God, I think I read it. Either I read it or I started to read it. I think i started to read it but i never actually read it but it's from a long time ago the book was from 1976 really yeah the book is

like way more involved though and much more like you think much creepier books are always get it better well they do so rare they don't better than better. Better than this Antonio Banderas movie. It was way over budget, apparently. Oh, yeah? Yeah. How do you go over budget? They'd only made 62. I hear a figure of daddy be like, well, I'm not paying for all that.

This is how much money they lost. It made 62 million, but the budget was more than 100 million. Wow. Ouchy-wawa. You know what looks stupid is that I, Frankenstein movie. Oh, my God. Who said you could make that? Who said you could make that movie. Oh my God. Who said you could make that? Who said you could make that?

Who thought Frankenstein? Who said you could make that? Could you imagine if you sit down with the guys who wanted to make that and go, wait a minute, wait a minute. What? You're having a sexy Frankenstein? Did you just tell me you're having a sexy Frankenstein? And he's like, yo, I could have swore. Four percent.

I could have sworn I walked in this office and you told me you wanted me to invest movie in a sexy Frankenstein. I did not say that. Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. This is what we got. We got fucking vampires. Okay. The vampires are sexy. Women are going for that.

Oh, yeah. They are going to go. What's the difference between a vampire and Frankenstein? Frankenstein is actually alive now. They were both dead. Okay. Frankenstein is alive. So a sexy Frankenstein.

And who can pull it off? I'll tell you. What's his name? Aaron Eckhart. Yeah. What is it? Aaron Eckhart. Aaron Eckhart. That's who can pull it off. That is our sexy Frankenstein. And who can pull it off? I'll tell you. What's his name? Aaron Eckhart? Yeah. What is it? Aaron Eckhart? Aaron Eckhart.

That's who can pull it off. That is our sexy Frankenstein. This is what we've been missing, Ari. This is our fucking Twilight. So wait, he's not going to be like a big zombie anymore? He's not going to be a big wolf? No, no, no. He's beautiful. He's delicious.

He talks well. He looks like a guy who's been in a rough street fight. Maybe that should be a different monster. That's clearly not Frankenstein. Hey, easy. With fucking Dracula, wasn't even allowed to go in the sun, but the Edward guy just sparkled. Okay? You can change the rules.

It's part of fiction. Why was that? Seattle's overcast? Is that how they got rid of that? I don't know. I think they said Seattle's overcast. Don't put the, yeah, that's what it was. That's why he went up there.

They went to Pacific Northwest. That's why they moved up there. It never, the sun never comes out, but when it does come out, they glisten. Oh, really? Yeah, they's what it was. That's why he went up there. They went to Pacific Northwest. That's why they moved up there. The sun never comes out, but when it does come out, they glisten. Oh, really? Yeah, they don't die like a real fucking vampire. They change the rules. That's why it's bullshit. That's why.

Can you pull up, without us getting pulled off of YouTube, I don't know if it's possible, see if you can pull up a video of Frankenstein with no volume. Don't put any volume on it. And let's just mock how it looks. It won't matter. Jamie, they'll still pull it? All right. Fuck it, then. Don't put any volume on it. And let's just mock how it looks. It won't matter. Jamie, they'll still pull it? All right. Fuck it, then.

Don't do it. Look at it for yourself. You know what we need to do? We need to set it up on that thing so we can watch it without it being... 4kspecial.com TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do that from now on.

There's no copyright laws in China. Is this new Frankenstein movie like the same story? Like, has he played like a dumb guy? He's fighting these winged creatures. Yeah, he's making shit up. They're making shit up. I thought he was like, oh, fire. He sparkles when he goes outside.

It's bullshit. It's all bullshit. I hate that spark. And he's smoldering. Meanwhile, how the fuck is that guy still in class? Can you imagine you're a thousand years old You keep going to class Because you don't want to make anybody suspicious

Oh, when did Columbus discover Oh yeah I was alive back then Fourteen and a half, that's right He was actually It was like the Spanish flu that killed him Which was I think in the 1900s Killed who?

Edward Oh really? From Twilight And so he died Spanish flu Big Spanish flu And that killed the vampire? The vampire.

He got vampired right around the same time. That's how he stayed alive forever. Oh, oh, oh. Same time. Back in the Spanish flu days. Oh, okay. So he's only been around for like 100 years or so. He's old enough to know that he shouldn't be in high school anymore.

Yeah. Fucking idiot. Yeah. Trying to pretend. It's like the idea is that he died when he was in high school. So we keep him in high school forever. No, why? How about you just grow a beard?

How about just say, oh, actually, I'm older than I look. Yeah. Just say I look young for my age. Hey, don't, that was something that I read today online. Where it was showing how many Asian women could be like almost 50 and they look like they're 20 years old. Is that really true? You just got back from China. Oh, they look like they're 20 years old. Is that really true? You just got back from China. Oh, they look younger.

Not 20, but they look super young. Like 50 looks like 30? I'd say that. Wow. Yeah, they stay in shape. Low-sugar diets. Low-sugar diets, and they stay in shape. Yeah, they walk around a lot, at least in the few cities I went to.

Hmm. I know a couple girls that are like their skin is good 45 and i mean they look pretty sexy yeah asian girls keep it for a while yeah why is that you think i don't know i think it's just better genetics that way their food more alien dna just that that's my theory no it's just the type that stays young longer jews have the kind that makes you smarter okay asians have the kind that makes you look good. Black don't crack. Without, at risk of sounding really racist. Yeah.

Although I'm not. Start recording now. If you start, if you look at all the different races, and obviously there's some sort of biological explanation for this, but how the fuck did so many Asian people have such similar features? How the fuck did so many African people have such similar features? How the fuck did so many African people have such similar features? How did I start? Yeah.

I mean, it's amazing. It's amazing when you look around at how many Chinese people have black hair and similar skin tone. Yeah. How many black people have that hair and similar skin tone? You know, how many,

how, I mean, it's amazing. Yeah. Those whites have a variety. Well, people who are of mixed race, you know, like many, I mean, it's amazing. Yeah, because whites have a variety. Well, people who are of mixed race, you know, like my family, a lot of it comes from Sicily. And you remember that scene from True Romance?

The Moors. Yeah. The Moors, but I think the Moors were Sephardic people. I'm not sure. It's like Morocco. It's like breeds of dogs. It's in black. Yeah.

All shih tzus look like shih tzus. All white people look like mutts. Right. Now, here's what's weird weird Because breeds of dogs were engineered That's why it's crazy Breeds of dogs originally were all wolves All dogs were at one point in time Who knows how many thousands of years ago

They have no idea when people started domesticating dogs But they assume it was right around the time Civilization was invented And that's when breeds became a thing? Yeah it's like 10,000 years of breeding That's what you're looking at when you look at a shih tzu when you look at a husky when you look at a wolf there's it's the same animal wow it started off the same animal like what dog dog that's it that's they're all they all come from wolves which is the weirdest thing a english bulldog a wolf who was, let's get the two coolest wolves. Well,

they had an episode about it on the Cosmos. It was really fascinating. The Cosmos show, have you watched that? No, I've heard it's great. God damn,

it's good. So good. And it pisses off religious people. Oh my goodness. They're like, well, we want the, whatever theory explained too.

Intelligent design. Yeah, and he goes, why would I include that? There's no scientific basis for it. What are you talking about? We're talking about science. I love him. Yeah, he's awesome. He would I include that? There's no scientific basis for it. What are you talking about? We're talking about science. I love him.

Yeah, he's awesome. He's awesome as fuck. I'm not even talking about that. What happened was, apparently, according to the cosmos, is that some wolves got friendlier with people because the people would feed them. And then they kept coming around and people would feed them. They developed a relationship. And then those wolves would chase off the other wolves.

And then they only bred with the wolves that were friendly. Nice wolves. Yeah. Those wolves eventually became dogs. Wow. Over who knows how many thousands of years. Selective breeding, bringing certain dogs, wolves that behaved in certain ways together. I mean, I don't know how many generations it took to do it.

Yeah, me neither. But yeah, that's what humans are. That's what humans are. That's what they're breeding. Yep. That's what we're like. Did you want to tell you my new theory about why black people are late? Yeah.

Listen to you. So you've heard about black people time and how they're late. I have no idea what you're talking about. That's a racial stereotype. I've never even heard it. If you haven't heard, now you heard. Listen, I never say anything bad about black people. Go on.

It's like Don Beres says. There's only one race. The human race. Oh, you sweet. Because when you were slaves, time didn't matter at all. What about Jamaicans? They're on time. Jamaicans are slaves too, aren't they?

I think they were slaves. It's a poor example. Any black people over here? What about Africans, actual Africans? Yeah, they're- Hardworking people. Some of the hardest working people you'll ever hire are African Africans. Those are the drug dealers in Beijing and Hong Kong.

Are you ratting them out on the podcast? Just like that? Well, the black people. You're ratting them out? I guess so. How dare you? As a race. Dude, you shouldn't do that.

Because I bet the Chinese authorities had no idea. They know. I bet it was a complete mystery. Cracked by Ari Shafir on the Joe Rogan podcast. He explained. Imagine if they got angry and they started going after you. This is something that you would think about if you ate way too much pot. Yeah.

If you ate way too much pot, you're like, why did I give up the fact that they were drug dealers? What the fuck? I'm such an idiot. Oh, my God. What was I thinking? Oh, my God. I ratted out all were drug dealers. What the fuck? I'm such an idiot. Oh, my God. What was I thinking? Oh, my God. I ratted out all the drug dealers. You, that guy from the podcast.

I saw your podcast. You think it's for... You want drugs from me? Yes, I'd love some. Imagine that shit, dude. You'd be tripping. Now you get none. No, they would kill you.

Oh, yeah. Serve you street food. That's worse than not selling you. How many weeks were you over there? Two and a half. And you were in China? You were in Singapore? No. No?

I'm just making shit up. Mostly China. Vietnam? Did you go to Africa? Shanghai. South America. Shanghai and a few cities around there. Beijing.

And then Hong Kong. So what was the biggest city out of those? Shanghai. Shanghai is huge, right? 24 million people. Oh, my God. It's like a New York 24 million, right? Yeah.

Manhattan has nine. But I mean like New York stuffed in there. Oh, yeah. It's stuffed in. Stuffed in there. Stuffed in. There's a few places with like one-story things, but not much. Everything is just tall buildings.

Because LA is 20 million people, but the good news is they're flat out. The flattened out, I think, alleviates a little bit of pressure. Shanghai was completely flat. But it's low, like single story? Tall buildings and stuff. Oh, all short buildings. No, I'm saying actually the ground is flat. So you could bike around really easily and walk around.

Oh, okay. That's not what I meant. I meant that they stack on top of each other. Yeah, no, they have high rises there. See, that's the difference between New York and LA. New stack on top of each other. Yeah, no, they have high-rises there. Yeah, see, that's the difference between New York and L.A. New York doesn't really have those. Yeah, completely safe. L.A. doesn't really have those.

100% safe. No one's doing anything to anybody. L.A. has those apartments on Wilshire. A few. There's Century City. Yeah. They don't really have it. Fairly big, like 16 floors.

Yeah. Did they like Americans, or did you feel like they didn't care that you were there? They generally, well, the shows I played to were for expats. It was like 15, 20% Americans. So what was the, the rest of it was Chinese? No, the rest was English, Australians. Wow. And they're cool.

I mean, they're a little bit conservative because they don't have any plumbers that are over there. Right. They have people that work for have any plumbers that are over there. Right. They have people that work for the embassy or people that work for banks. Right, right, right. So the people are a little more conservative and smarter, but they're adventurous people. Right. People that go work in Shanghai or in Hong Kong instead of where they're from. It's like you guys are the cool people that want to do stuff.

That's a good way of looking at it. I mean, it was. They were all cool. Or running from the law in other countries. There's a lot of that, too. But those are often the good people as well. Yeah. That's crazy. So who said this? Well, you don't have

to tell me the person's name, but so you had your agent set this all up? Yeah, I think Rhodes talked to my agent at an airport, and he tells him he goes on those things, and he got me and Schubert. Schubert went, too, a different time. Wow. Yeah, so it's just these scenes they start their own scene and then they'll bring out a guy to do their four rooms and then they'll team up with another guy in another scene wow and these guys fly from america no there is

and this is the coolest part there are brand new comedy scenes starting from scratch in china in china whoa both in Chinese now and English speaking. Whoa. And the people that are already there, they're working for banks, they're working as teachers

and then they see a show and somebody goes, hey, guess what everybody, there's going to be an open mic next Thursday because they found some bar that'll allow it. Wow.

And then somebody tries, so these people there, like longest is like three years. That's amazing. Yeah, it's all starting from scratch. There's no rules. There's no like, this is the way it is. You have to wait until these guys move on.

There's no one to learn from either other than YouTube. That's so cool. That's great. Yeah. That's amazing. From scratch. It was really exciting. What if they take over?

Imagine if China takes over and becomes like the number one comedy community in the world. But China has this style of comedy that's like this thousand-year-old Abbott and Costello with cadence changes. So the new guys that speak both are trying to do regular style comedy. Right. And people are like, wait, I don't understand. What are you doing? Oh, so it's a cadence issue. Yeah, it's way different than they're used to.

I saw a guy. There's a video about a guy from canada who moved to china and became a comedian he was a comedian in america but he learned chinese really yeah learned chinese speaks you know which one mandarin i don't know which one yeah but people have done that des bishop did it for last year took a bunch of chinese mandarin classes really chinese who's this des bishop he's uh he he's big in Ireland, but he's from New York originally. Wow. And he just, I think he did a show.

That's a ballsy move. It's a ballsy move. He lived in Beijing for a year. Now he's in his second year. Can you imagine going from not speaking Chinese to speaking Chinese for a fucking living in front of Chinese people? It's such a foreign language. It's such a foreign language.

Yeah. And like, it's's making fun of the alphabet and like and like why the certain symbols look like certain things wow yeah and how like how difficult is it to learn how to talk in that language he said you got to write new you can't translate your bits you got to write new bits for it because the references are so off that it just it just won't wow and it was a lot of it like something's really big in like chinese stuff culture is losing face like way bigger than you would think embarrassed you mean yeah but like losing faces up like like say i'm trying to pay for a meal and you're like no i got

i'm like no no i got it you're like no i can pay i'm like i'd be like hey man you gotta let me do this here right i put my card out like you gotta let me do this you can't embarrass me in front of these people oh it, I see. It's more than just like slight embarrassment. That's another reason why there's less crime is because people are like

what am I gonna get caught fucking shoplifting? Oh, that's cool. You know how embarrassed I'll be? So they go out of their way to not be that person. So is there statistically

less crime like in America? It's so safe. Shanghai, you can walk, they say women can walk 3.30 in the morning drunk and no one's touching them.

Wow. The only violence is acts of rebellion against this country. Whoa. Against that country, I mean. Yeah, where people take out machetes and fucking hack up a Mahjong game. Ooh. Which they show on the subways, by the way. They show Mahjong games on the subways?

No, they show Mahjong games getting hacked by these fucking Uyghurs. What do you mean? In South China. These Uyghurs are rebelling. They're the 7% minority, ethnically. What are they? What's a Uyghur? I don't know. It's a different ethnic group.

I'm not totally sure. I think W-I-E-G-E-R. But it might be W-E-G-E-R. You can put ethnic W-E and it'll probably come up. Comes up again. Yeah yeah they look a little different they have different food and um they're seven percent and in some cities like one percent but they don't i don't know they don't like they want to break off or something so they

they're the ones who got the big stabbings that were going on and there were these videos of this game going on and this guy just lifts up his shirt pulls out an axe a little hand axe and just starts axing this guy and then the other guy who's also watching he's like oh it's on and he just picks up his shirt and starts fucking axing these people yeah then everyone's like if it's this mayhem somebody like is what they try to tackle him he comes back to his axis girl a few more times then they chase him down weaker the way it's Uyghur. The way it's spelled. It's a very unusual spelling. It's spelled U-Y-G-H-U-R.

Wow. I would not have guessed that. Say that again. U-Y-G-H-U-R. Uyghur. Wow. It's also spelled in another instance, U-I-G-H-U-R.

Uyghur. So U-Y or U-I. And they're Chinese Muslims. Yeah. They're always starting to trouble the Muslims. Always with the violence. Damn. Yeah.

But they showed this on the, on the subway. And so with the kids there, it's like, Jesus, they really, I mean, they blur it right as the hacking like goes on.

Oh God. It goes under the head and stuff. Oh my God. So you can see that when you're on the, on the train. Yeah. They show everybody. Now they have complete control over the media, of all the media. So you can see that when you're on the train? Yeah, they show everybody. Now, they have complete control over the media,

of all the media. So the government has complete control. Yeah, and it's not hidden. What does that feel like? What does that feel like? Well, they kind of don't know that they're getting the real story.

So they say it's the Uyghurs, but you know how there's rumors like, I don't know what Al-Qaeda is and what the other one is. It's like they say that, but who knows what that really is. Right. What's the other group? Al-Qaeda and... Yeah, and like... But there, they're's like they say that, but who knows what that really is. What's the other group?

Al-Qaeda and... Taliban. Yeah. But there, they're just like, we really don't know. But it's different than here, and it's the same as here. It's like they were going to put chips

in all the computers so that you couldn't go on sites that China didn't allow. You can't go to Google, but you can go on a VPN and just go through a different server and get all the stuff. You know, Google's very concerned about China.

Oh, yeah. They're concerned also. Other companies are concerned about China because China will just copy shit. Oh, absolutely. Like, they have fake Apple stores that are just totally fake. Fake Apple stores.

My friend, Turner Sparks, who's helping run the scene in Shanghai. So he's bringing Mr. Softee to China. He got, like, a licensing agreement. The ice cream? Yeah. He's bringing these Mr. Softy to China. He got like a licensing agreement. The ice cream? Yeah. He's bringing these Mr. Softy trucks out there. And they're starting to do good.

And then someone else will just paint up another van exactly like Mr. Softy, the same exact colors, serve the same things, and just park it right in front of his Mr. Softy van. Wow. It just looks like he put two vans together at the same time.

Wow. And the government doesn't do anything. It's like, what? What did they do? You had a good idea? Now they vans together at the same time. Wow. And the government doesn't do anything. It's like, what? What did they do? You had a good idea. Now they're doing it. That's amazing. Yeah.

That's amazing. It's hard. You don't think in terms of copyright laws. Yeah, they don't think in terms of litigation either, right? It's just a totally different kind of culture as far as like our constant suing of each other back and forth. I don't know about that. I don't know. I'm not sure.

Maybe. Hmm. I wonder. It's that. I don't know. I'm not sure. Maybe. Hmm. I wonder. It's interesting when you see that, though. I mean, it's got to be really fascinating for you to come from our American culture and be immersed in their culture for three weeks. I've never done that before. It was cool. I've been to Brazil for a few days, but a lot of Brazilians speak English.

After like seven, eight, nine days, though, it started to become like normalized a little bit. And it was like I could really observe stuff. Plus, I got a little loner, so i could make friends easier you know once you need to right did you stay how long did you stay in the same place shanghai was the first night and went to like suburbs of shanghai for for a few days and then back to shanghai for two days they have a proper club called kung fu comedy which is like listen you proper saying proper like an englishman but i mean yeah it's like it works out as a club there's one

room that looks like the belly room it's just like oh this is a cool place wow other places where bars where they try to set it up you know that's cool man but it's all these expats who need something english-speaking it's kind of like the uso tours you never hear about that where they're like always really thankful yeah it's like that no hecklers they're just so happy there's english-speaking comedy and how many of those people knew you from online zero no no not zero like a couple so most people are just there because they're checking out new comics they're coming to town everywhere yeah i had some guys like man i'm a big fan he was like oh thanks because yeah i checked out those videos on the website that they

showed i was like oh that means you saw who's playing and then you watched the video you're not a big fan that that's okay you became a big fan super recently yeah it's like it wasn't like excited there was some like uh podcast listeners you know a few here or there that one show shanghai had like seven or eight wow couple so shanghai is just developing a reputation like this these scenes are developing reputation for bringing funny people around yeah so folks just come out to see who the new guy is. Yeah, and it's like once a month they can bring in an out-of-towner. And the scene starts, but you can only do the room like twice with any joke

before they're like, yeah, we've all seen it, man. Because you're drawing from a city of 50,000 tops. In a city of 24 million, there's 50,000 English speakers. So do they write a lot there? They have to. But you know the open mic days, that's how you do it anyway. You'd write a lot. Every week you'd be like, oh, they're performing in front of the same guys. Got to come up with a new there. They have to. But you know, the open mic days, that's how you did it anyway. You'd write a lot. Every week,

you'd be like, performing in front of the same guys. Gotta come up with a new joke. That's the worst when it's almost all comics in the room and just a couple

audience members, but the comics have all seen your shit before. You can't even do a new tagline. We're not going with you for seven minutes

for your one new bit. Yeah, your barely new tagline. It's just a better version of an old tagline. Yeah, you can't do it. You see my new tagline?

It's not really, it's just better. It's not that new. It's just, fuck, I an old tagline. Yeah, you can't do it. You see my new tagline? It's not really, it's just better. It's not that new. It's just, fuck, I've seen your act a hundred times. Just riff it up there. Just riff it. That's the worst, though, when there's no one in the audience, it's beaten down and tired, and you know there's more comics in the audience than the audience is.

Yeah, so you've got to like, yeah. So Shanghai's just emerging. Yeah, and they have a city outside there, like a 40-minute bullet train outside there called Suzhou. Ooh. That has this real small-town feel. 10 million people. Oh, my God. A small-town feel?

Everything closed early. That's insane. 10 million people and everything closed early. Yeah. So is it like Chicago-sized? 10 million. That's bigger than Manhattan, Shanghai. I mean, Suzhou.

Suzhou. When they say Manhattan, do they just mean- 9 million people on the island of Manhattan. Only the island. Yeah, we're not talking about the actual full city. Do they ever actually say that, or do they say New York City? The tri-boroughs or something? Is that it?

I don't know. Right. I don't know what New York City means. The five boroughs. Yeah. It's not tri-borough. It's five boroughs, right? It's Long Island, Queens, Brooklyn, Staten Island, Manhattan. It's a tri-borough bridge. Is that it island is that it yeah is that how you say it

i don't know what the fuck i don't know but i think i don't i never know if they're just talking about only the island of manhattan or the surrounding greater new york like when someone says new york city the bronx is new york city yeah van nuys is part of la yeah right right it should have to be in like just there. Yeah. Sort of. It's sort of the same kind of thing. But if you picture just Manhattan, this is bigger than that.

Whoa. That's also a lot of people. I remember the first time I came to Manhattan, I was driving from Boston. I think I'd been there once before for a karate tournament, but I was like 16 and I didn't really remember it that much. And somebody else was driving, you know, it was like one of those didn't really remember it that much and somebody else was driving you know it's like one of those experiences yeah i was really young so i was there for uh comedy and the first time i drove i drove up the west side highway that was the that was the first

time i ever saw the skyline it was just pretty dramatic on the west side highway jesus he looked like the death star i was like this is the craziest thing i've ever i was so intimidated it's pretty big so intimidating overwhelming i was like i can't the craziest thing I've ever, I was so intimidated. It's pretty big. So intimidating. It's pretty overwhelming. I was like, I can't believe how big this city is. Yeah. It's insane. When I got back after three weeks, I was like, oh yeah. I was like, fuck.

Immense. All those buildings. It's immense. Yeah. It's just insanity. Did you feel that when you were in China? Was there? Yeah.

Yeah. Which places? In Suzhou too. They had, they had, they needed a financial district. And so they had all these rice patties like right across the field. 20 years ago, all rice patties. And they're like, let's make a financial district. And now there's 50 skyscrapers.

Whoa. They just do it. They just filled them in? They don't have to like vote. They don't have to do referendums. They don't have to wait until it's an election year to show they're doing anything. Did you go any of those cities that were crazy polluted? Shanghai.

How bad? It's bad. It's bad. It's bad. Now, I wasn't there on one of the awful days where Des Bishop, that Irish guy in Beijing, is not as bad as Shanghai, but still real bad. He says, I mean, everywhere wears masks. Tons of people wear masks. Not everyone.

40% of the people wear masks. Whoa. They see what they, everyone has an app on their phone for pollution. And so I was in the unhealthy range pretty much while I was there. But if it gets worse than that, he goes, you wake up in the morning and you felt like you smoked all night. So the app recognizes the air

or tells you what the forecast is? Tells you what the air quality is. So then they won't bike to work if it's real bad. They'll take a bus. Motherfucker. Yeah. So you have these tissue papers

they give you that everyone has at all times. To wipe your hands down? Yeah, because after SARS, everyone started wearing it. People are concerned with spreading it to others, too. So there's no spitting allowed anymore. Do you know that there's a spread of MERS that's going on now? Oh, yeah.

They have signs up for that at every train station. They're like, do not bring anything else in. Don't bring your fucking chickens in. Yep. Livestock. Yeah. And people kiss their livestock sometimes. Really? Dudes kiss their camels. Trying to get. And people kiss their livestock sometimes. Really?

Dudes kiss their camels. Trying to get guys to stop kissing their camels. Guys, people are dying. Fuck your superstition. Don't be kissing your camel anymore. Okay? Then riding on a train. Superstitious.

I mean, how long does it take before some of the more ridiculous, like we were talking earlier about the ideas of kosher the original origins for it were pretty pretty smart oh right pretty smart to not eat pigs if all these people are dying and getting sick but how long does it take before those just totally go away how long before we have no superstitions right 100 years i don't know new ones will come in do you think so throwing the salt over the shoulder when that come that's not not everybody does some asshole that's some asshole yeah what when do you think that that ends 500 years from now hopefully it'll be done by then god hopefully it's got to happen right it seems

like we're moving that way but it's natural to feel like every time i would do that growing up i'd be like i just believe in sudden superstitions that i thought of yeah i did that yeah we all did it it was like a thing remember do you ever do one of those things where if i step on this crack oh yeah my whole family might die yeah my mom's back broke yeah or you try to avoid that avoid cracks for whatever reason yeah you like really keep going like why what are you doing well when you're confused about the nature of reality you think it's very mystical maybe this is how you control it like no that's not how you control it well i've always wondered if like the real origins for superstitions like that in children are that children have a more honest awareness of the nature of reality itself is that it's malleable and then things you can alter the way things go but you want to think about it in

stupid ways like stepping on a crack right but it might be the way you act or think or behave and you feel that you sense it but you can't sort right but it might be the way you act or think or behave and you feel that you sense it but you can't sort of communicate it correctly process the thought can't process it can't put it into context so instead you worry about stepping on cracks and breaking people's backs you you feel the sense that you have some sort of a weird weird ability to affect and change your destiny based on decisions that you make. When the cat goes across the street in front of you, do you still get at least plus one negative? Yeah, you think about it. Ladder?

When I see a ladder, I'll usually move around it the other way instead of like, what the fuck does this matter? Well, here's a perfect example of that. I was kind of superstitious when I was a kid, but I've always loved cats, and I've always had cats, and I've always had black cats, so I never gave a fuck about black cats cats so when a black cat would go across the street i would never think oh my god i'm fucked i'd be like fuck you that's a cat it's just a cat

man give that cat a little bowl of tuna fish and pet it be purring it's just a cat a lot of straight cats in beijing bad luck he's a fucking animal he's having a good time yeah southern white guy made that thing up probably about the black cat. It's probably some racist shit. I think it's just a fear thing. I think people are afraid.

Yeah, it's witches. It represents witches, right? Yeah. Black cats. It's cursed. We're scared of what we can't see. Yeah.

Some fucking glowing eyes running across the road in front of your car because it's about a car, right? Isn't it? What? No. A black cat crosses your path.

You're on a bicycle. What are you on? No, walking. You're just walking. Anytime they walk in front of you. That too? Yeah. I was thinking of his car.

There's an old Disney thing with a superstitious guy. He has one of those umbrella canes. That's right. And he moves the cat backwards so it won't. So even walking. Yeah. Do you think that's when it was created? Yeah, I think it was created then for walking days.

Maybe horses would freak out and they'd see a cat run across them and people fell. Very possibly. And it would blend into the shadows so it just saw something moving. And people fell and got fucked up. You figured it out. Fact. Could be it. Or you could shit your pants and fall on your rake.

Yeah. And you'd fucking die because you don't know what staph infection is back then. That's another way to die. Dude. What? I saw a guy the first day. Whenever someone day Whenever someone says dude you gotta give them the floor He had this leg That had purple from like

Just below the knee all the way And the guy was taking me around And I started not looking I'm like how am I not going to look It was a purple ring about that big And inside the purple ring was like a yellow ring and then inside that was like a little bone oh my god so he's just eating him up yeah i mean they're homeless are legit whoa yeah they don't have to say anything they just let their their fucking they show it

they don't tell it oh my god yeah but they don't have much homeless that was the only guy i ever saw in shanghai that was homeless first he's got a legit excuse yeah your the leg is wasting away what do you do like he ain't gonna make probably already did did you have a newfound appreciation for america when you relanded and are you ready to say a pledge of allegiance i'll tell you what man there were some things where I felt a lot more free. In China? You can buy a beer and walk down the street and drink it like a man. You can do that in New Orleans.

Go to New Orleans. You can be a man in New Orleans. Vegas. Not really in Vegas. You can smoke a joint, too. Think outside. Don't they stop you outside? No, you can walk around.

You can drive around. There you go. Vegas. Come on. It's 40 minutes away from fucking Burbank. This place is nice, but it's not a safe. It's not a safe. Smoke a joint. They don't know what weed smells like the cops have no reference point what are

you talking about they have no reference point they don't know what it smells like now i just solved the whole puzzle they don't know what it even smells like country's confused as fuck yeah did you imagine they've kept weed from a whole country little yeah there's so little of it whoa that's amazing yeah what would happen if we spread through that country like wildfire you get it people have it yeah but what would happen if if weed spread through that country like wildfire? You can get it. You get it. People have it. Yeah, but what would happen if weed spread through that country like wildfire? If Ari Shafir became a weed evangelist for China. And got it going. But not there.

Don't go there. Do it all through email. Oh, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. You don't want to actually. Petition the country. They'll fucking get you, dude.

They'll get you. Don't test them. They're going to fight tooth and nail to keep their silly cultures. Keep kissing their camels and shit. They'll throw you in a hole forever. Kiss their fucking camels, man. Their kids shit in the streets. Mers.

Their kids shit in the streets. Their pants are cut down the middle so that allows them to. Oh, my God. No way. They have these loose shorts like skorts. No way. If they're squatting, you can just see their little dicks. They train their kids

I saw one of them in like a market she was like motioning to them you can tell what motions are you know things are universal and the kid kept looking

back confused yeah yeah yeah do it and he like pulled his pants down she goes yeah and then he's like pissing in the street finally

wow you see anybody shit in the street no you only saw him piss it had to smell like shit but they had to cut all the way to the back.

They're just allowed to shit. They stink? Yeah. The bathroom smells so bad. The bathroom smells so bad from pollution. I think it's just from polluted water. Just polluted water makes it smell bad? And also, they don't...

They don't what? You can't even say it. No, look at him. He just died thinking about it. They have a lot of toilets, but there's just no toilet. It's just a hole? It's just a porcelain hole. It's a shy one.

Yeah. And you have to squat? You have to squat. Supposedly that's better for your bowels. Supposedly. That face. That face. Supposedly.

I was in the Forbidden City. I was walking around there the emperor's palace yeah and I got bad diarrhea it was bad like sweating like I gotta fuck

and then there's a picture toilet you go in there and you fucking run and it smells as soon as you cross the threshold of the bathroom it smells horrible and you open up the first

stall door and your mind can't even register at first like this must be under construction. Oh, no. Because there's no toilet here, so that's the only explanation. Oh, my God.

And then you go to the next one, and you're like, what? Oh, fuck. Is there paper? No, there's no paper. What? You do? You wash with your hand? Well, first, I just said, I'm not doing this.

I walked away. Oh, my God. And I was like, I took like two steps out of the bathroom, and I was like, oh, yeah, diarrhea. What do you mean I'm not doing it? Of course I'm doing it. So you went back in

and washed your butt? No. Is that what you have to do? So this guy who owned the bar, the club was in Shanghai, gave me this tissue packet and he goes, you'll need it.

I thought it was for pollution. And he goes, you'll need this. And I just had it. Yeah. And then it was like, oh yeah. You got to pull your pants all the way down

Squat over it But also try not to shit into your pants You gotta like lean back You can't go over the balls of your feet Oh no I don't know there's probably a better way What do you do with explosive diarrhea though It seems like you're gonna miss

Blast it into that hole You're gonna hover over that hole You're like half a foot over the hole Is that good for your quads it's good for your core it definitely i would feel like that would really work your core a lot and there's no air conditioning it's so hot that would work your resolve yeah that's why the asians are thin maybe it's not the low sugar diet does the shit hit your shit your? No. Because I mean, I have explosive diarrhea. It feels like I'm just going to hit my feet. Picture this.

Picture this. I'm down. Okay. Ari's squatting right now. So like your ass is right, it's like. Over the hole. Yeah.

Filling the hole essentially. Your feet, if you're moved far enough away. What do you do if you have bad knees? Ow. You do after that. Everyone has it after that. But I sit like that all the time.

That's how Asians just squat, eat all the time. I do that sometimes. Really? I'll sit on my yard like that. My shersky sits after that. Everyone has it after that. But I sit like that all the time. That's how Asians just squat, eat all the time. I do that sometimes. Really? I'll sit out in my yard like that. My shesky sits like that. Yeah, sure. Once in a while. It's good for your back.

This just happened last week in China in one of those toilets. Somebody dropped their brand new phone in the toilet. And so the husband went to go in there and grab it. But he passed out because of the fumes. And then the woman tried to grab the guy out. She passed out? She passed out. Two people died, three injured falling into the toilet. That's like that scene in Stand By Me where they're all barfing.

Oh my god. Yeah. We have it so good in America. Dick Cheney's right. They have those shitters on the train when it's moving around and stuff. They have those shitters. Dick Cheney's right. I opened up my tissue packet.

What? What did he say? He's right. We have it. We have it. We're the best. It sounds like at first I was kind of jealous

but now I don't want to. You would never even go there even to do comedy. They have someplace with real toilets. Like in the hotels it was fine. In the bars it's fine but like

in a lot of places you just don't know it's going to be one of those. And then it's like six or seven tissues in there. So suddenly you're like out of budget. Prostitutes? Hot chicks?

How was that part of it? Did you see any of it? There were prostitutes in, I went to the area in Hong Kong. I didn't get any. Right. But I went to the area in Hong Kong. They grab at you. Really?

Yeah, they want your business. Now, a couple of them were hot. A lot of them were just like older Chinese ladies that look weathered. Oof. Yeah. Oof. Here. Oof. Here's something interesting. Hong Kong, they don't call it China.

You got to use your visa to go between them. Really? Even though it's been given back. It hasn't been fully given back yet. It used to be English. Yeah. For 100 years. Well, how did they give up? How did they let that happen?

How do what? They gave it back. They said that we'd get it for 150 years. Imagine if Puerto Ricans asked for Puerto Rico back. We'd be like, no. No way. But that was always the deal. That was always the deal. We want Hawaii back. They've wanted Hawaii'd get it for 150 years. Imagine if Puerto Ricans asked for Puerto Rico back. We'd be like, no. No way. But that was always the deal. We wanted Hawaii back. They've wanted Hawaii back forever. You're not getting that back. We want to take Alaska.

No. Alaska should be its own country. But at this point, at this point, if China was like, if Britain was like, no, you don't get it back, China's like, you really want to do this? Yeah. Because if you want to go, we'll go. We'll go in a crazy way. We signed a contract. We'll abide by that. But it's time. We're not not gonna lose faith but all the hong kong people they look at the mainlanders mainlanders like an insult they look at them as like the garbage people really yeah they're like

they all shit in malls whoa and they carry fucking raw turkeys in their bags when they go all the mers that's all them whoa hell yeah they yeah. They view them as like real underlings. Yeah. Wow. So it's pretty cool. Yeah, I was told that, that it was racist against other Chinese. But I was like, no way. How can it be?

And I was like, wow, you're right. Deeply. Deeply. Whoa. Like the North, but think of like the South, but way worse than that. Whoa. Yeah. But I'll tell you what, if someone shitted a mall, it was a mainlander.

Whoa. Yeah. It doesn't mean they're all like that, but that thinking comes from there. Well, it seems like their reality is just far more sparse, right? There's far fewer resources. There's too many people. I don't know about that. Well, what is it that's causing them to behave in such a crude way?

Well, they had a lot of revolution in the last not that many years. The old people, they walk around. You like that walk where they put your hand behind your back and clasp it and just stroll. Yeah. They're like, none of my friends are getting shot in the face at a firing squad. They've lived through some bad times. So they're calm. Yeah.

They're like, we're safe. Or they're baiting you with a Kimura. Trying to bait you. Trying to get you to go into it. Yeah. If you go to that Kimura, a lot of guys have good defense. And they know that. Set up that far side armbar

if you don't control the body. They'll just trip you, get you to the ground. Yeah. I don't know what that is. I don't know what it is. Hong Kong's pretty built up too. Hmm.

That's fascinating. They're all bankers. It's the English influence. So the English influence, was it... They drive the other side of the street. They drive like English. And China drives like us? like us yeah except they don't drive like us they're pedestrians they're i mean it's like if you're crossing the street like this and you know they're making a

right turn if they see a hole they go big enough for their car they're taking it those mopeds are shooting in and out through traffic through like pedestrians how many people get hit they said tons all the time i didn't see see any, but they say tons. Fuck that. Did you walk across that shit? Oh, all the time. Oh, my God. You have to just keep walking and know, you see me, you're going to move.

Or you see my angle, you want to stop and throw it off. So you've got to give them timing. Yeah, you've got to go at the same pace. You don't just trust them not to hit you. You've got to trust their timing. Yeah, they see where you are. I see where you're not going to be in two seconds. I'll go where you are now. Don't't just trust them to not hit you. You got to trust their timing. Yeah, they're like, they see where you are. I see where you're not going to be in like two seconds.

I'll go where you are now. Don't stop walking in the middle of the street. Do they text in characters while they're driving like that? Could you imagine? Their texting must be so much more complicated than ours.

They're drawing little pictures. They do text in characters. Oh my God. So they text in characters and they drive like that. And they all, at night, especially the cab drivers,

to save battery, they'll turn off their lights. They'll drive without their lights. Anything that saves battery, they drive without their lights. And all but the darkest, cloudiest nights. Oh, my God. That's the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life. It's in the city.

You can pretty much see. You're just walking across the street, and you have to hope that they can see you well enough to time you. They have such bad ideas about it. They'll turn off their motor at red lights because they think that saves gas. Oh, God. Well, it does. Not to turn it on over and over again. No, it doesn't.

On a Prius. No, it's a new feature on a lot of cars. What? They shut off at stoplights. Really? Porsches have it. And doesn't that take the most gas to start up again? No.

It's like an instant start up again. Oh. Doesn't that take the most gas to start up again? No. It's like an instant start up again. The engine goes into some sort of sustained hibernation or some shit. But it essentially shuts the engine off. It's an option, though. You can turn it off or on. And it's how they beat emission standards. Wow. They want to push it.

So over time, it doesn't. Yes. Maybe for every five minutes were worse, but over 10 minutes were better. If you read those things where it says what's the miles per gallon that a car gets, that's only driving a really sane, calm person that doesn't take any risks. You're driving super slow. You're observing the speed limit. That's not speed of stops.

You slowly accelerate up to whatever speed you want to go to. Look at that. That's how they cross the street. That is fucking insane. That's how you just have to cross the street. That is fucking insane. He's on a crosswalk. Oh my god, that is fucking insane. They're just like, man, those are just white paint on a road.

That's got nothing to do with me. That is fucking insane. Wow. It's hard to watch. I anxiety that's crazy so many of those mopeds too i rode one of those fucking drunk late at night oh if those hit you that would suck hard too yeah they hit they're solid do you come close at all did anybody come close to hitting you no i mean it wasn't like i didn't skim one at all but i mean i could feel the breeze go by. Oh, my God. Definitely. Damn. What was your favorite place?

I don't know. Hong Kong was a lot of fun. Shanghai was a lot of fun, too. Is Hong Kong better air? Oh, yeah. It's cleaner. Definitely. We went on a jump boat in Hong Kong the day before I left, the day before the last day.

And I just jumped off into the bay and stuff. It was fucking awesome. So it was essentially just different but both cool. Yeah, both cool. Fucking swam. It's a perfect mix of beer, Thai food, a little bit of acid, and just fucking jellyfish came up at some point. You went in the ocean?

Yeah. Wow. Thai food, beer, and acid. Yeah. And jellyfish. Yeah, the jellyfish came in and it got a little more dangerous, but we just kept jumping in. And if jellyfish get you, you're fucked? It's just a lot of pain for two days.

Two days? And you'll be scarred. My ex had it on her neck and it was just this huge burn. Well, they teach you how to get it out. You got to take a credit card and scrape it out. It's the hottest pot loads. Yeah, it's the hottest. They said it was going to last like six months.

That's what loads do. They burn you for about six months. They mark you up. Nobody else can get you. They don't swim real fast, though. Loads? No. Mine do.

Loads go fast. Mine go fast, bro. Mine are like sprinters. You don't know. You don't know my jigs. Finish line. There's one in Australia that kills people on a regular basis. Oh, really?

Yeah, it kills people. They have these emergency stations that they have set up on the beach where they have these giant jugs of vinegar. Just in case. I don't know why vinegar. Yeah, you pour it on, maybe they let go. It's disinfectant or something? I don't know.

I think I should probably Google that. There's one comic, Sean got stung the year before. Yeah, in Australia? He had a cup and then poured over it. Yeah. Yeah. But then he said they found out later that's not the way to, that's actually not a thing. Yeah, Australia has a lot of shit that can kill you. really yeah how far away is china from australia uh it's not that far it's not as far as we are from

australia i don't think from sydney i think they're closer to sydney than we are really yeah they're south but like straight down south. There's a ton of Asians in Australia. There's a box jellyfish. It's no bigger than your fingernail. It can kill you. That's hard to spot. Yeah. Even when you haven't bitten your nails lately.

It's no bigger than your fingernail, and it can kill you. I gotta pee real bad. Go pee. I'm freaking out about a box jellyfish. Something new to it. Size of a fucking matchstick. Wow. Look at that shit. Look at that shit. Brian, pull that out about a box jellyfish. Yeah, something new to a road to a farm over. Size of a fucking matchstick. Wow. Look at that shit.

Look at that shit. Brian, pull that shit up. Box jellyfish. Just pull up. Box jellyfish no bigger than your fingernail can kill you. In the blink of an eye, by the way. Motherfucker. Just when I'm starting to relax.

Where's this live? Is it really rare? Australia, man. It's just really rare. Wow, look at that. Whoops. Look at that shit. Wow.

That's how big that is. Size of a goddamn fingernail and it can kill you in seconds. That is not cool. Look at that. Upon further research, this itty bitty jelly is so cute that it might kill you. No, really. And not from the sheer adorableness of it, but from its insanely poisonous sting.

The species box jellyfish was described as recently as 2007. Wow. So they didn't know about it? The species of box jellyfish was described as recently as 2007. After a 44-year-old American tourist, of course, by the name of Robert King king was swimming in australia waters and encounter this minute box jellyfish he was stung and died soon after that's where the name of common kingslayer comes from after robert king that's the guy's name wow they called this fucking jellyfish a kingslayer because it killed this guy named Robert King.

They didn't know about this jellyfish until 2007. So this guy got stung. He died from a tiny jellyfish. They didn't even know about it. You can't even spot it? It's the size of your fingernails. Look at the images of it. Brian, pull up some of the images.

There's some of them where they have one in a little tiny little tiny test tube where in australia all over australia especially sydney and he just died i don't know where it is man i'm just making shit up oh but it's in australia somewhere especially sydney because yeah it's freaking some of my bait um look at the size of that you see how tiny it is wow that thing can kill you and it didn't kill a guy until 2007 and so they decided to call it the Common Kingslayer. That's what it's called now. That's pretty wild, because it killed a guy named Robert King. It didn't kill anyone until then?

Nope. They didn't even know about it. Why, just out of contact with humans? They never knew about it. Oh, look. This is from a box jellyfish. Motherfucker. That's a lot of things.

Oh, my God. They said this one girl it wrapped around it didn't just thing you want it wrapped around it held on and then all the things all the barbs are going into you well this is a type of box jellyfish they've known about box jellyfish for a while but this type of box jellyfish the common kingslayer was discovered as recently first described as recently as 2007. Wow. So they didn't know about it until this guy got fucked up by it. Oh, is it on him?

Yeah, Steve-O went to this beach where there's just tons of jellyfish and he just started putting them on his head. What? Yeah, it's a great video. Check it out. How does he know which ones they are? They tell him.

That fucking guy. That wild man guy. They would tell him all the time. Yeah. What was his name? The old man? Manny. Manny, yeah. That wild man guy. They would tell him all the time. Yeah. What was his name? The old man? Manny. Manny, yeah.

Manny was cool. Did Steve-O actually put like a poisonous jellyfish on him? Oh, he got stung from it, yeah, absolutely. But not like that guy that got stung by the box jellyfish. Not the box jellyfish. Not poisonous. They took chances in that show. Yeah.

That is so weird, man. It's so weird that these things exist that can kill you so easily. Oh. That's so weird, man. It's so weird that these things exist that can kill you so easily. Oh. That's so weird. It's just weird that these things exist that have venom in them, you know? Yeah. There's no anti-venom for box jellyfish. For these box jellyfish, the little tiny ones.

There's none. Only symptoms can be treated, which can last from hours to weeks. Weeks of symptoms if you live. Motherfucker. Yeah. You're going to be researching jellyfish for the next month. This is crazy. This is really funny.

Part of this is what it does to you. This is really interesting. The severe symptoms don't rear their ugly heads until about 5 to 120 minutes. This is really funny. This is what it does to you. This is really interesting. The severe symptoms don't rear their ugly heads until about 5 to 120 minutes. 30 minutes on average. Some syndrome. It's characterized by severe pains at various parts of the body, typically excruciating muscle cramps in the arms and legs,

severe pain in the back and kidneys, a burning sensation of the skin and face, headaches, nausea, restlessness, sweating, vomiting, increase in heart rate and blood pressure, and last but certainly not least, a psychological phenomenon which consists of the feeling of impending doom. Well, it sounds like with all that other shit, of course you would think that you're dying.

It does sound like that. How is that even like an additional symptom? Is it a separate thing? It's not. You're dying, man. You're getting jack dying. It does sound like that. How is that even like an additional symptom? Is it a separate thing? It's not. You're dying, man. You're getting jacked. Think about all that shit. Severe pain, excruciating muscle cramps, severe pain in back and kidneys, burning sensation

of skin and face, headaches, nausea. You're dying. Yeah. Vomiting. You're fucking dying. Who wouldn't? You would have to be the cockiest motherfucker ever. To be like, yeah, I'm going to walk this off.

Bro, these fucking box jellyfish ain't killing me, dude. This is like a cold. I had a cold once. My grandfather swam here every day. He didn't get no box jellyfish thing. This is incredible. It's scary. It's scary as fuck that nature creates these little things like that.

That can just jack you. Just jack you. And probably some goldfish could eat it fine and not get in trouble at all. Probably sheeds off of it, right?

It's probably some shitty bird that comes down. We did see a fish eating at one of them and it was trying to get out of there so it would have

to dive. A jellyfish? Yeah. So fish do eat jellyfish? Yeah. I mean it has to be what they created.

I mean they must have created the Jackson to avoid predation. That's a good question. Souls. They serve jellyfish. They serve jellyfish.

They serve jellyfish at some of the restaurants. You eat it? Yeah, I didn't get any. I was getting other stuff. Can we play the Steve-O video or would that get us yanked from YouTube? Probably get yanked from YouTube. Steve-O wouldn't do that to us. Who owns the Steve-O footage, though?

Steve-O does. He'll be happy if we show it. Yeah? Okay. Let's show it, then. I want to see him get fucked up. I'm trying to get him. Did you ever see the video of Steve-O when he's up in a tree and lions come up to him?

They're just swiping and barely missing his butt? No, they swat his hat. They took his hat. He had one of those Mexican farm worker hats. You know, those straw hats those dudes like to wear? And he's up in this tree and this lion runs up to him in the tree. Just runs up the tree. He's checking him out. A female lion. And she bites his hat. She doesn't bite him, she bites his hat. He's stuck up there in the tree just runs up the tree he's checking him out a female lion and she like bites his hat she doesn't bite him she bites his hat he's like stuck up there in the tree

it is the most terrifying thing anybody that i've ever met has ever done god was that the guy who died was his buddy from that show wild boys steve was alive no the other guy wow boys yeah man that's what killed him no he fucking car crash. No, the guy who died in a car crash was one of the guys from the other show. From Jackets. Yeah, it wasn't from Wild Boys. He died speeding, drunk, in a Porsche. Yeah, that's a lame one.

Not from all that other crazy shit. Not from all the other crazy stuff with the chances. I mean, those guys just every day would risk their lives. Johnny Knoxville was a goddamn movie star, and he's putting a bandana over his eyes and letting a bull throw him through the air. Yeah. That's nuts.

Nuttiest fucking shit. Dude, you talk about the best comedies. You're like, oh, are there any good comedies? You mentioned three or four. All three of those jackasses were fucking awesome. Tremendous. Awesome. Just laughs every 10 seconds.

Did you see the new one with the old man? No. What is it called bad grandpa god damn that's funny there's the unedited version yeah if you haven't seen it yet it's like the 2.0 or whatever version check it out it's even more worse i couldn't even imagine it could be better that movie was really funny like there's some really really funny scenes the grandpa stuff they did in jackass was awesome he He's awesome. Johnny Knoxville is so good. He was riding that rocket and then a thing went off and blew a hole through the metal

rocket right by his head. He's like, whoa, that was so close. I would have been gone. Yeah. Could you imagine if that's how he died? Yeah. Rocket to the fucking head on one of those. Johnny Knoxville filming his son.

And everyone would be like, oh, oh yeah, of course. Why hadn't that happened before? What is it about dudes who want that feeling, that rush of getting right up to the edge? Because those guys get right up to the edge. But Steve-O backed off a lot, right? Got off the drugs. Yeah, well, he's completely sober, which is awesome. That's comedy now.

But he now, I mean, I talked to him like six months ago. I saw him in San Diego, and he had a sex addiction that he was trying to get off of and then... Why are you throwing him under the bus? No, because I think he talks about it

and then maybe. But then, like this last time I saw him, like just a month ago, I went down again to see him and he had a guy

that came with him to make sure he didn't make a sex addiction. That's hilarious. That guy's a joke. Listen to me, professional cock block.

I'm going to tell you something right now. A guy like you is supposed to have a sex addiction. I've cocked block for the best because if you the amount of that's his job I'm a cock blocker. Yeah, I do. My name is Johnny Johnny run tons. I'm not to the stars Johnny run tons He cock blocker you got a sex addiction. Don't worry. I'm gonna go a three-pronged effort I'm gonna mention your daughter in front of them I'm gonna talk about your treatment and leave it blank and then I'm the treatments a big one effort. I'm going to mention your daughter in front of them. I'm going to talk about your treatment

and leave it blank. And then I'm... The treatment's a big one. And then I'm going to fuck her. A guy like that, like he probably, I mean, he's a famous dude. Steve-O's a famous dude.

So I bet some really hot chicks launch themselves in his direction. He's pretty goddamn famous. Yeah. And he's famous for being a wild man. So really crazy bitches are probably attracted to him like a magnet to metal shavings.

They start moving across the desk at him. It's probably normal, right? So for a guy like that, the amount of love and sex he must be getting or thrown in his direction, offered to him, must be pretty stunning. Must be hot. Yeah. And he's probably, you know, he looks in the mirror. He knows what he looks like.

Yeah. I think this shouldn't be. This doesn't even make sense. I may as well catch him while I can. Must be hot. Yeah, and he's probably, you know, he looks in the mirror, he knows what he looks like. Yeah, I think this shouldn't be. This doesn't even make sense. I may as well catch him while I can. This is insane. I have to take myself up on this opportunity. Who else would? Why wouldn't you?

No one else gets that shot. No one, I mean, only one guy gets to be Steve-O. Yeah. You know, I said that to you once, I remember that because it struck with me too as I said it.

We were talking about comedy, we were talking about creating, like when someone's a fan of yours. The craziest thing is like someone's an ari shafir fan you're the only one that could give them ari shafir if they become an ari shafir fan you're the only one who's doing ari shafir comedy yeah that's it you're responsible you're responsible for that shit yeah so i'm sure he feels the same way yeah probably, probably. Wow. Yeah, it was like, I just heard of that. There's only one Steve-O, bro.

Let me cash in. Cash in! This girl's an ultimate fan of Steve-Os. Why would he not have sex with her? Sex addiction nonsense. Do you mean he has sex a lot and it's awesome? Because that's what you're saying.

A lot of times I feel like sex addiction is some Christian person going, no, you shouldn't do that so much. But of course, there are sex addictions. Of course. But there's everything addictions.

Yeah. Right? I mean, there's addictions to fucking washing your hands. If it's like he can't carry on with his day. Right. So he can't get anything done. Then it's like, I guess that's an addiction. But isn't it parallel to what we were talking about earlier about the cigarettes?

That becomes like a force of habit. Right. It becomes a part of your life. Yeah. It becomes like a well-worn trail in your mind. But I like sex a lot. But then if I got work to do, if there's something I have to do, I'm like, I can't.

I got to take care of this. Well, you're not sick. Right. You don't have the sickness. I don't have that gene. Because if you... Some people like to call it no will. Some people like to call it no discipline.

Not me. I prefer illness. Sick. Disease. I want to take it completely out of your control. Did we crash? Yeah. So are we off Ustream right now? No, no, no, no, no. I want to take it completely out of your control. Did we crash? Yeah. So are we off Ustream right now? No, no, no.

I mean the YouTube crashed. Oh, YouTube. This computer crashed over here. But we're still on Ustream? Oh, yeah. Okay. So we're still recording. Oh, I got a YouTube video to show you, by the way, that you could probably play. I guess the sex addiction thing, when it becomes a problem, is when you start spending money and we start being sloppy and having sex with no condoms, with people in the streets. Or when you're doing things

you don't want to do. Or you really like doing that and it's way better than not doing yeah i'm not this one of the things that i don't buy i think it's when you look at yourself later and go fuck i don't want to do that why can't i stop doing that and that's everything yeah that's beating off that's using q-tips that's fucking sure biting your fingernails people get weird people we're weird we're weird. We're weird. I saw this guy, somebody was talking about losing a bunch of weight, some comic at a barbecue,

and this other fatter comic, and he was like, he was talking about eating natural chips and stuff instead of processed stuff. And the fatter guy's like, man, Lewis, you gotta show me

how to lose weight as he's eating the chips. He goes, I just told you. I just don't eat those things that you put in your mouth. Yo, you gotta rewire my brain and make it awesome.

Yeah, you gotta do it all the way for me. I'm tired of having this lazy ass, bitch ass brain. That's a problem, man. If people don't get their brains rewired in some way, shape, or form, if you're a lazy fuck, it's very difficult to wake up one day and go, I'm not going to be a lazy fuck. Yeah. So if you don't get up. Yeah, if you don't get early going. I have lazy tendencies.

Yeah, we all do. And it's one of the reasons why I'm not lazy at all. Because I'm up. It's hard. Yeah, if you don't get early going. I have lazy tendencies. Yeah, we all do. And it's one of the reasons why I'm not lazy at all. Because I'm terrified. Push against it. I don't like it. I don't like that part of me. That's why I don't have cable. I know I could watch TV all day.

Good move. I'm never getting rid of mine. Yeah. Really? I like coming home. I'm going right to internet. I like, if I work, especially if I could do a show, show goes well. Everything's great.

I listen to set on the way home. I know the new bits I'm working on. I don't have a responsibility as far as writing. And I don't like to write too late at night. And then you won't watch cable when you get home. Yeah, I write late at night, but only if I am home. I don't go out and then come back and write because I feel like I'm tired.

So I like to relax, sit in front of the TV. I'll download TV. I just won't have cable so I can have it all the time. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'll still watch the shows I watch. Yeah, you could get everything now on Apple TV, Hulu, Netflix. Yeah, but then when it's done,

you don't automatically, like, oh, this next show started. I guess I'm watching this now, too. Can you get Cosmos? Can you get all the regular shows? Yeah, Cosmos on Netflix. The good rule of thumb is you can get anything

that's ever been made. Really? So if it's in that group, you can pretty much get it. So you don't need a TV anymore that's hooked up to cable. You just need a good internet connection. Yeah, a news server. The only bad thing that you'll run into is live local TV, which you can now find. Sports is the problem.

Go to a bar and see that. That's the way to be seen. Firstrowesports.eu is fucking garbage. It skips constantly and cuts out. Today in Pasadena, a young man came home to find another man sleeping in his bed. That fucking type of talk, that news type guy.

What is that? They have to die. Not die, as in physically, but die off. That business. Oh, yeah. That fucking news business. Now with Chromecast, though, and Apple TV, you can just stream from your phone to NBC.com, so you could watch you can just stream from your phone like NBC.com

so you can watch the local news stream to your Apple TV anyway so it doesn't even matter. Is there any bigger dinosaur in our culture than the local news show?

Is there any bigger dinosaur than the 5 o'clock news? Today, President Obama met with Egypt. You're not going to say shit. You're not going to say anything.

You're not going to say shit. We all know you're No, we don't all know. You're in with the government. You're not going to say shit. You're not going to say anything. You're not going to say shit. We all know you're... No, we don't all know. You're in with the government. You're not going to say shit. On top of that, you've got three minutes. You've got three minutes. You've got to bounce around to five different things. You know what somebody pointed out was so scary about the government?

You know how Bush was like, I can't let you show the caskets coming back? And then Obama's like, okay, guys, we're going to stop that. You're allowed to show them. And now they just don't show them out of just fear. So the news just doesn't show them. They just don't on their own. So whatever was told to them is like.

What do you think about all this shit that's going on in Iraq? Do you know what's happening in Iraq? Yeah. Jihadists are taking over Iraq. Yeah. As soon as we left. How crazy is that? It was a vacuum that we made.

It's not our fights, man. I know it's not our fights, but what a disaster. What a disaster. We did nothing to help them. What could you do? Just stay there forever? We're running shit now. No, and that's not what you want to be.

Then you're an occupying force. That's the move. Nobody wants to... No, no, no. Dick Cheney's right. It's obviously the move. You can't let the jihadists take it. You want a jihadist state run by jihadists?

What about the children? I'll tell you one thing. Please do. So they had this thing they were going to do in China. They were going to put chips in one of the computers so that you couldn't go on VPNs. So you couldn't go on the stuff they didn't allow. And the people got really mad about it. They were like, it's fucking ridiculous.

They didn't uprise, but they were all upset. And the government was like, all right, all right, all right, we won't do it. Whoa, they were worried. Yeah. Whereas here, that's just something

we were going to do and not tell anyone. Yeah. Until Snowden told us. But that's just something we were, they at least ran it by their people. We were just going to do it in secrecy. Force the companies to do exactly that.

Isn't that interesting when that happens? Yeah. Did you see that thing that... So when you talk about ultimate freedoms, it's like, eh, I don't know. I don't know which one's worse. Joe, you want to get really freaked out? I just found this out by PDC.

You remember PD. If you go into your security, your privacy on your phone, and then you go down to location services, you click on location services. Then you go all the way down to system services. And then you go down to frequent locations. Then it will just show your history.

And let's just say we'll click on Los Angeles. Nine locations recorded. And it's just showing locations that I've been in the last nine days, the exact address I've been in. Like where you're driving around. Suzhou, Jiangsu, one location. No, locations that I've hung out at. Shanghai, New York, four locations.

Is it places where you stopped and made a call? No, where I stopped, and it just shows that I wasn't driving anymore, like I hung out. It shows exact dots on a map of New York. That's crazy. It's like the exact map, the exact addresses of places I've been. How do people not know about this?

I'm just finding out about it on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. Can you shut that off? Can you shut it off? You can turn it off. And now what Apple is saying that you use it for is that it will automatically become smart. Your maps are smart. Maps are smart. So it knows. Not if you're running from are smart. Maps are smart. So it knows, like, oh, you're...

Not if you're running from the law. Yeah, right. And that's why, like, if you use, like, different things like Google Home where it says, like, oh, you know, your trip to Pasadena Ice House right now is 20 minutes. And I'm like, why are you telling me this?

Like, have you seen that? Like, it's done shit like that. It's the same thing. It's just to improve maps and things like that. So that's why you can't turn it off. Unless the government gets a hold of it and finds out the warehouse where you're storing the drugs. Right. Right?

Isn't that crazy, Ari? Where you're storing the drugs. Oh, yeah, exactly. Well, if you're going to the drug house, don't bring your phone. Don't bring your phone. Exactly. Get a burner phone for 7-Eleven. Well, he stopped here four times.

Let's go check that out. Get one of them flip phones from Ting. God, that's a good point. Here's all those jellyfish. Check out how many are on the beach right here. This is Steve-O. Sombrero. But where am I going to find one around here?

I never did that. Look at all those jellyfish. He's got to put a sombrero. Danger's my business, and business is good. Danger's my business, and business is good. So many jellyfish. So there's so many. Oh.

Oh. Ha ha. Ha ha. So he's. Welcome to jellyfish sombrero. Look at that. He's going to throw the jellyfish on his head. Do you think that just feels weird or hurts? I don't know, because if it's. He's hurting. I think it probably just feels. It looks like it just feels weird or hurts?

I don't know because if it's... It's hurting. I think it probably just feels... It looks like it just feels weird. I don't know. Oh, my God. Look at the size of that thing. Oh, he hit him with the tentacles.

Oh, damn. Oh, he's in pain. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's probably cut. He's got it. He's so cut. He's got it. He's so crazy. He's putting on his back.

And then he's in agony, screaming and running. Oh my god. Hands him back around fire. Oh my god, he's just running around in agony. What does it say afterwards nothing sucks on my channel so subscribe here and if you haven't seen my incredible paparazzi prank i filmed with paris okay you can kill that jesus christ yeah pal yeah it's on i loved you and then i hated you all in one video youtube steve wow What a crazy guy. Proving jellyfish.

Well, he's a better man than I. Yeah. It's not happening. He's just always willing to go for it. The grossness and the snort of wasabi. Yeah, fuck all that, man. This guy crazy. I just can't imagine. I can't imagine someone would actually want to do that.

That seems like a fucking terrible idea. Yeah. But we watched it, so he wins right he wins that's what his objective is achieved yeah exactly it was cool it's worth watching by the way my storyteller show is recording september 9th and 8th i started working on that story yeah yeah nice yeah nice i got that bitch tightened up now cool so far it's you's you, Diaz, Big J, Kreischer's in. Nice. TJ Miller's in.

They're trying to get Joan Rivers to do it. Oh, snap. Yeah. That'd be fun. That'd be cool. That'd be very cool. Yeah.

That's interesting. Yeah. Going after a few cool people too. Yeah. So doing your show, man, that was really fun.

Yeah? You liked it? Yeah. Loved it. I loved the setup that it was in Cheetahs, which is like a dingy strip club in LA. Yeah, you get this vibe just going into it. That's why we did it in Montreal the first time.

We're doing it again this year, actually, in Montreal. But it's upstairs in this tranny strip club. Yeah. So you walk up the stairs, you just feel darker. And then no matter what's said, it's like, go for it. I've already been anesthetized against this. You're in a tranny strip club. You're not allowed to say tranny anymore, by the way.

Yeah, it's transgender. What? Yep. Yep. It's like saying fag. Oh, really? Yep. But you can tranny strip clubs. You're not allowed to say tranny anymore, by the way. Yeah, it's transgender. What? Yep. Yep. It's like saying fag. Oh, really? Yep. But you can still call cabbies cabbies. Cab drivers. Oh, but they're gonna get upset now, too. No, no, they're okay for now. So we

gotta use it up while we can. In the future, it'll be one of those things where it's like, you know, like Tom Sawyer, they don't say like, it was, it was, uh... You can't say Jew in the future. The word nigger. They took it out of Tom Sawyer they took it out of Huckleberry Finn I was just thinking about that

that's the problem with people going well that's certainly certain lines that people shouldn't listen to I'm like no you just shouldn't

listen to it just turn it off otherwise you're like the exact same people that took out that edited Huck Finn and said no you can't have that book

in there you can't edit that I'm not saying you can't write what you write but I'm allowed to go to the school board and try to get it

and take it out of the libraries that's what you're, but I'm allowed to go to the school board and try to get them to take it out of the libraries. That's what you're doing when you contact the network and say, we want this banned. Yeah, you have to reflect

the time in an accurate way because it's not about, you're pretending that people haven't evolved socially since the 1920s or whenever the fuck they made, was it 18-something

that he made? Time and a place. Yeah, that's part of being a human being is understanding that there's a constant series of, like, changes and things, people grow. Cultures evolve. We're seeing it in front of our own fucking eyes because of the internet.

We're seeing blowback. We're seeing people get super sensitive about shit they shouldn't get so sensitive about. And they just, other folks embrace it just because they want to be in and out of a fight and pick a side and look for like really suit like the fat acceptance movement you know that is a fat acceptance no i'll fight that no you're gonna die i'm not gonna accept that you're gonna die early and it's disgusting and you smell dude you're so out of line no fuck that that's one of those like well stop it stop being like that what about what. No, I do not accept it. Now. Now.

You're so angry. It's not even in a my day thing. It's gross and you're going to die. It's clearly unhealthy. Stop being gross. But isn't that another thing? Just like a sex addiction or a gambling addiction, it's a food addiction. I don't care what anybody says.

It infringes on the eyes of others. It does a little bit sometimes. On a plane, it does. But when anybody says about the causes, the causes of it, for sure, some people have a faster metabolism. For sure, some people can get away with eating anything. Yeah. We all know dudes who can just eat anything and they never get fat. I'm close to one of those.

Yeah. But we also know that if they staple your stomach, what are they doing? They're making your stomach smaller. Yeah. That means you're taking less food. Yeah. That's it. So it's a willpower thing.

If you start taking less, you'll need less to fill up. This motherfucker did it. He lost 80 pounds. Brian? Yeah. Yeah. Brian lost 80 pounds. And gained back most of it.

Once. Gained back most of it. But he lost 80 pounds. Same thing with Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz lost 80 pounds. Yeah. He gained back... 67. Somewhere. he gained back 67 somewhere i don't know i don't know but but the idea is that if you could just get it off and keep it off some guys

have gotten off and keep it yeah i mean i guess there is such a thing as as an addition but i think it's way more people just going like well i'm in that group like no you ain't you just stop going to the diner at 345. It's also they get addicted to having certain types of foods in their body, like sugars. There's a lot of people. Yeah, you get used to it. You get that coffee craving. If I have enough days in a row of lots of candy, which is every day, and then if I go

a day without it by 6 p.m., I start getting like, oh, you know, you get low blood sugar. Yeah, you got to stop eating candy. You got diabetes. Yeah, I'm trying to get off it. Why are you eating candy? I was doing a lot less of that in China. You don't take caffeine in. No, no caffeine.

It's hilarious. Yeah. Constantly eating sugar. I can see the negative effect on me. But caffeine has benefits. Antioxidant effects, cognitive benefits. I've had a lot of tea. That's good.

Yeah. That's probably better. You get some caffeine from the tea, but they say that herbal tea is like drinking a very mild vegetable soup. Really? Yeah. I see that. There's some certain type of vegetable nutrients that you can get. Not a lot of it.

Very watered down. But it's actually not bad for you. A lot of teas are actually quite good for you. Yeah. They say even the caffeine tea is really the caffeine stays in the leaf, so it's not really coming off it into your stuff. But I don't believe that. I never got jacked from tea. I never drank tea, and I was like, whoa.

Once I started losing my voice, I just did a little research. Like, what makes you lose your voice? And one of them was caffeine. And I was like, I'm done. I've never heard that. I've never heard caffeine make you lose your voice. Anything that dehydrates you in some way.

It's caffeine. They definitely said alcohol. They said smoking. But I'm like, look, I'll do what I can. Dave Foley used to drink pots of coffee. Really? Pots. Pots. He said he pretty much ran that show, top to bottom.

Dave Foley didn't pretty much run the show. Paul Sims definitely ran the show. He was the guy who produced it and created it. But Dave Foley was what I would call a a secret producer or an uncredited producer. He just took control of it. Well, he was just really good at creating sketches because of Kids in the Hall. Oh, so good. Really good at creating.

Oh, I saw them live somewhere. Oh, yeah. You tell me. He was really good at creating moments. And so Dave would see like a scene. And the reason why he was able to do that was that paul like he saw that that was a benefit they had they had super healthy egos about that stuff like they would let us we could ad lib all the time especially for the first four years we did a lot of ad-libbing and dave foley was a

big part of that like restructuring entire scenes the first four years the meeting before before phil died yeah yeah but um dave you, he just had a great sense of it. And it was just a really open sort of an environment where they allowed, like Andy Dick, you know, they allowed him to be him. Like they allowed him to open up and expand. You got to set him loose. Yeah. Expand the character. Like he would have these moments and he would add a bunch of things to the moment to make them more ridiculous and preposterous.

And we would add things to each other. I would occasionally write for Vicki Lewis. I could see how she would make something really funny. And so we would do it for each other. She might suggest something to me, and she would see your character from an outside point of view. Oh, I see. Something like that. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That would work. Well, it was a weird environment. Camaraderie, huh? that would work. Well, that was a, it was a weird environment. Camaraderie, huh? Yeah, it was a great camaraderie. It was a great cast.

It was a really good show, man. And Sims, great show. There was like, straight actors too. Like, like Steven Rue,

who's fucking hilarious. But, he essentially would just take the lines and go into his character and then, you know, like,

create that Jimmy James character. how great he was in like, Office Space and like create that jimmy james how great he was on like office space and like you forget about him he's great he's a great he's a fucking great guy too he goes serious too a lot he gave a million dollars some charity you're like how good did he do in his career he gave a million dollars some charity did he really yeah wow that's what rennazisi said rennazisi might have made that up. Yeah, it might have been $20. I could see him doing that, though. He's such a nice guy. If he really had a lot of money laying around, he might do it.

Something he cared about? He's a very interesting, real artist. That's how I describe Stephen Root when it comes to being an actor. He's a real artist. Some of them are into it like that, where it's like, okay, you add something. Plus, you couldn't say anything bad about the guy as a person. He's a very, very nice person. Always a very nice person.

But the most impressive actress was, actor was Maura Tierney. Why? Because I didn't even know she was acting sometimes. Like, we'd be doing a scene together. Like, sometimes we'd fuck off in the middle of scenes. People would joke around. And she would get back into the scene,

and she was so good, like, you couldn't tell that she was acting sometimes, if that makes any sense. Yeah. Like, her ability to act, you know, tell that she was acting sometimes if that makes any sense yeah like her ability to act you know i i didn't really never even took acting classes i took a couple lessons some private lessons that disney made me take with this really crazy lady who was trying to get me to leverage her to uh be my mom in a sitcom they created a sitcom oh really oh she was so crazy and i did it for because they made me do it. I took these acting classes. She tried to get you to put her in it?

Yeah, it was humiliating, too. It was uncomfortable. It was such an uncomfortable scenario. They hired her to do it, but she was really weird with me. She wanted in. Well, she said weird shit to me, too. She's like, I'm worried you're going to go over there and you're going to fail. Oh.

She said that to me. That's what I put in my head. Yeah, but I'm not good at that shit. Because people played head games with me all throughout my childhood in fights like it would that would be at the way ends people would say weird head game shit to you when you were weighing in like what's gonna be like when i knock you out oh that's not gonna happen so don't worry about it have a nice night you know yeah i'll see in a few minutes okay and i'm gonna kick you in your fucking face like dudes would say shit like that to each other so like when you knew that you were gonna have a fucking kickboxing match and then

you're talking shit to somebody at the weigh-ins the difference between that and some lady who's an acting coach trying to tell me that she thinks i'm gonna go over there i'm worried you're gonna go over there and you're gonna fail i mean well you don't need to worry about that and don't talk to me like this this is some gross passive aggressive like why are you worried that i'm gonna fail because i got something that you never got like shut up this is a stupid way of talking to people you don't ever say i'm worried you're gonna go over there and fail what is yeah what is that because i'm not the best actor in the world i've never been but i know how to do it it's not that hard when you're acting sitcom style you pretend that it's really broad exactly

so when i'm doing that i'm like i know what i'm doing here like i might never watch you on news radio going jesus man fucking do the line again it's not that hard yeah but it was also good writing is the most important thing because news radio had it's hard when it's really shitty writing it had perfect writing at many times it was like the best written shows for by far the best written thing that I was ever a part of. But I was on a bad show before that. This Fox show was terrible. Hardball?

Yeah, the baseball show was diggity, diggity dog shit. It was so bad. And so that's way harder to do. When you do a show like News Radio, it's easy to be good. Yeah. Because the writing's so good. Yeah, so you can get into it more. The idea's good.

They let you say, I'm going to change these lines a little bit. This sounds more like I'd say. If you let someone be involved, I think this is where Paul Simms was a genius, not just in the fact that he was a really good writer, but he also recognized that if you let someone be a part of the creative process, they're even more invested in it.

They enjoy it even more. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's right. I think that was it. It was also that they were always just no ego, looking for the best line. And Foley would always come up with the best line. He was so good at that.

It's, you know, he's one of those guys, man. You know, he's been on the podcast before talking about his, the problems that he's had in divorce and alimony and child support and stuff like that. He's one of those guys that like when I when I think about the fact that he might have been like derailed in a lot of ways because of this horrible relationship that he is still tied up to and financially entangled with and still a part of some crazy divorce proceedings it was like going on and on and on because he owes back alimony or child support or whatever

second worst relationship on that show the second worst yeah he had the second worst yeah phil had the worst that was the other thing you get used to you get used to seeing all these people interact with other people of their ilk and that's where i developed my no headshots policy very important yeah being around other actors seeing actors interacting with other actors and they're both crazy and they're both trying to work it out and, you know, it was just too much chaos. Too much chaos there with famous people

trying to hang out with other wanting-to-be-famous people or other famous people. It's very weird, huh? There's also the weird dynamic of only one of you is successful. And you're both in the same business. Not good, dude.

Yeah. Not good. I've had friends that were successful but they dated unsuccessful actresses, and the unsuccessful actresses would always try to get them to mention them to a casting director. Golly. Did you talk about me?

Because that movie, he's casting that movie, and I am fucking perfect for that part. He doesn't know that I'm perfect for that part, but you have to tell him. I've seen that shit. No, because you're not. Yeah. Or the other way, it's even crazier.

When it's a chick, and the chick's making making mad money and on TV in front of the camera. And then she's like, do something with your life. It's that weaselly dude that's behind her, sweaty, holding her hands. And what do you do, Tom? I'm a producer of sorts. Well, I'm working on the script right now. It's kind of a romantic comedy involving my wife and another man. That's all I got.

Yeah. Yeah. The dominant female the dominant female star with the beta male the beta male behind her hanging in there clinging people tell you it's normal it's totally normal it's totally normal bitch that ain't normal yeah it's not normal you need to get some enlightenment. It's hard. People, like, the yin and the yang of relationships. Very difficult. I've seen so many, like, cool relationships that at some point became...

Death. No, they just, the girl turns and they go, what are you doing? I mean, you've got to get a better job. You've got to do, it's like, why? Because you're getting a better job? Yeah. Why? But it gets in the way. That's their, like, that's their breeding. Well, it's also you hanging a better job? Yeah. Wow, but it gets in the way.

That's their breeding. Well, it's also you hanging around with comics. Yeah, and it's like, yeah, I'm going to struggle for a while. Well, there's a lot of comics that they get married and the girl wants to have a baby, and then she worries, how are you going to be able to feed the baby? I don't know. Why'd you get involved with a fucking broke comic?

What did you think he was going to do? Suddenly be a banker? Okay, Ari, you can't help who you fall in love with. You can't help who you fall in love with, and I fell in love with you. Okay, I'm fucking sorry. I wish it didn't happen, but it did. It's a spell. It's a magic spell.

Well, what I fell in love with you was your love for abortion, and now things are changing. Oh, my goodness. How dare you? That's the perfect thing to say right there. How dare the perfect thing to say right there. How dare the perfect thing to say. Yeah, if you talk to someone and you're dating them

and you know this is never going anywhere and they're like thoroughly opposed to abortion, you're like, yeeks. Yeah.

This could end ugly. Yeah. This could end the worst way. Because unfortunately, there are, you know, Patrice had a fucking great joke about that.

What? Patrice had a great joke about people getting mad that, you know, you don't want to have the same kind of relationship they have. And it's like. He was a prophet. Yeah. He goes, it's like if you are applying for a position and, you know, you want to be the president of General Motors. Well, the president of General Motors, that job's not available.

But the job is available that I come over your house 2 o'clock in the morning, drink your last nappa, and you suck my dick. That job's not available. But the job is available that I come over your house 2 o'clock in the morning, drink your last napple, and you suck my dick. That job's available. That position's available. That's the only position that's available. Take it or leave it. So you tell me whether you want this position. I drink your last napple. If that's the kind of relationship.

He goes, if that's the kind of relationship we have, you can't get mad at me that I don't want to make it something different. Yeah. This is what I have open for you. I call this girl in some city that I'd hooked up with here or there. I met her in Bray at one of your shows, actually. Yeah, real cool. And we've done it on and on for a few years. And then I found her in some city.

She was living there now. And she was like, actually, I got a boyfriend now. Because I was like, you want to hang out? Because, you know, I'll hang out with her sometimes. And she goes, you don't have to.

I mean, honestly, our relationship was only ever like that one thing. And I was like, yeah, you're right. It was. Wow.

So that's good luck to you. So you offered to just hang out and be like a nice guy? No. First I offered to hang out and then also sex. But I didn't spell that out. I was also born in that city.

So you felt like if you got close to her and you were hanging out together, sex would probably happen. Oh, I was sure it would. But I was also like lonely in that city. I was like, hey, there's some new movie out this week. You want to go see it? And then, yeah, you don't have to say, obviously, we're going to fuck later. I hear music playing, bro. What's the music sound like?

Like a Cat Stevens song. Oh, nice. Cats in the cradle in the silver... You're talking about my dad? Little boy blue in the mountain... That was the whole music they played when Homer lost his child.

They couldn't find Bart. It sounds like Missing Persons and they start playing that for the whole music. Starts crying. Wow. That's rough. Yeah, it's a... You know, I read something It was like Advice to men

It was like All these different And one of them was One of the pieces of advice Never go back with an ex Why? It's a reason She doesn't really want you anymore

Yeah It's a reason it didn't work out She doesn't really want you anymore I'm like God That's so generalizing Because How many times

Have you gotten back with an ex And had the best sex In the history of the fucking universe Yeah When you don't see each other for a long fucking time. It should just be like, be careful with your heart with an ex. Your heart. Who the fuck are you?

What have you done with Ari? Jesus Christ. What is this? You blew it, mister. You're like fucking Clayface from Batman. You're pretending to be Ari. East Coast now with his emotions. I'll get rain on you, you bitch, and you'll turn back into Clayface.

I fall in love every once in a while. God, who the fuck are you? What have you done with Ari? Jesus Christ. Are you in love right now, Ari? Nah. Tell me about your soul. It's pretty right now. What were you about to say when I so rudely interrupted? I don't even know.

Something about your feelings, you stupid. If you get back with an ex-boyfriend. Careful of your heart. They're going to hurt you again. Is that what you said? If it's about sex, yeah. Is that careful of your heart? Yeah.

Jesus Christ. You should write songs. You should write songs. I don't know how to rhyme. Otherwise, I'd do it. I would love to see you swaying back and forth in front of a microphone. Do that cricket dance? Yeah, singing like a real serious song.

What's that song? Hey there, Delilah. Yeah. You singing like a real serious song. What's that song? Hey there, Delilah. Yeah. You singing like a real serious song, like maybe like Counting Crows style. Yeah. You know, be careful with your heart. Around here.

Be careful with your heart. Yeah, emote, really emote with it. No, man, some of the best times ever. Some of the lyrics will be real quiet-y like, this one will know we're always young. It's bad advice, right? You know what? It's like saying...

There's no weirdness. If you hang out with an ex, you're definitely fucking. Yeah. And it's probably going to be really fun. Oh, yeah. Freeing? Yeah. You'll be freeing?

Yeah. Because you'll know what it is? Yeah. I mean, the idea that she's i mean come on man you can't generalize you like this for a while sometimes it works sometimes sometimes you apologize for how it went bad yeah sometimes you fuck like wild animals and then about five hours into it they said something that reminds you how fucking annoying they were and you're like oh my my god, what am I doing? Jill Sobule used to have a song about,

if I'm going to prove my lack of heterosexuality, listen to Jill Sobule. But she used to have a song about forgetting guys like smile. And I'm like, oh yeah, that's such a great smile. And forgetting why she broke up with him. And I was like, oh yeah, you tried to fuck all my friends. That's right, I remember that part now. but that smile when you're over again it's very

difficult if a girl has a nice ass to remember all the mean things yeah girl has a great ass and she's dtf yeah you're hanging out you know you're both single you got a couple cocktails in you you just happen to be in the same town. She just touches your skin. It's around here. Little kissy, kissy, kissing. Your dick is like a goddamn crowbar. Oh, look who's back. Look who's back, my little boner.

Yeah, ready to fuck. Sometimes you get a girl that can just talk to you. And you're like, oh, there it is. Yeah, there's certain girls that are sexier. And I'm sure there's certain guys that are sexier, too. I'm sure to girls, there's a lot that are sexier. Yeah. And I'm sure there are certain guys that are sexier too. I'm sure it's girls. There's a lot of shit you and I both do that it's really fucking annoying and is a real vagina dryer. A real fucking close the show, right?

Every guy. Yeah. For every girl that thinks what you do is hot. The first time I opened for you in Boston, the first time I opened for you, I saw a girl hot walking across the whole Faneuil Hall. I see her crossing the whole way. The show's over. She's crossing from the bathrooms back there all the way. And a girl hot walking across the whole, like, Faneuil Hall. I see her crossing the hallway. The show's over. She's crossing from the bathrooms back there all the way. And I'm looking at her the whole way.

And then she gets up to me. You are wicked funny. I almost pissed myself. And I was like, ah. There it goes. That's designed that way. To keep them awesome. Nature.

Yeah, nature designs it that way. To keep them alone. Well, to keep you from wanting to do that. Oh. Keep you from breeding. It's like you've been enlightened. You've escaped. You've escaped from that East Coast area.

Speaking of enlightened, Shroomfest is here August 9th, 10th, and 11th. Oh, shit. Allegedly. Everyone wants to participate. Everybody who participates participates online simultaneously. Allegedly.

Just do mushrooms August 9th, 10th, and 11th. Like Portobello. If you want to know how to find them, what they're all about, I wrote a primer online. You can go to it. It pretty much answers every question you've ever had about mushrooms. If you just Google Ari Shaffir Shroom Fest Primer. Are you worried about advertising Shroom Fest that you might be targeted by the feds? As what?

As a shroom supporter? No, man. I live free. Wow, you do live free supporter. No, man. I live free. Wow. You do live free. Back from China and you still live free. Sometimes if I don't see any reason for these rules at all, I'm like, nah, we're not going to act on that.

It's the dumbest set of rules ever. Yeah. The fact that you go to CVS and buy a gallon of whiskey and drink yourself to death in the parking lot easily. No one can stop you. Yeah. The fact that that's possible. I'm not facilitating any mushroom.

Sons of bitches. I'm not buying it for people. I'm just fucking. Yeah, you're right. Tell everybody, fucking you should do it. We should all do it. Yeah. That's how laws change anyway.

You know who shouldn't do it? Who? Dick Cheney. No, he definitely should. People under 23. And even if they do it, whatever. That seems old.

Yeah. I'd go younger than that. It depends on their upbringing. It depends on their upbringing. It depends on their upbringing. You'd say 21. All right, 21's not bad. I don't know. I had some cool friends in high school that did it.

It always scared me. If we're going to allow people to drink at 21, how can you not allow them to take mushrooms too? I say, realistically, 16 and a half. That's not bad. And if you have community centers where you could give these kids a dose that you know is super safe. Even if they don't, they'll be fine. What if the only way to get mushrooms, I'm not saying the kids should do mushrooms.

Don't get me wrong. Let's go to your counselor or something. Joe Rogan says kids should do mushrooms. I'm not saying they should do mushrooms. But if a 16-year-old wanted to do mushrooms and they just got them on their own and took them, that could be dangerous. And you don't know how much it takes. Absolutely. Exactly. You don. That could be dangerous. And you don't know how much it takes. Absolutely. Exactly.

Absolutely. You don't know how strong it is. You don't know how much it takes. So you're like, hey, don't get behind the wheel with this. It's going to really fuck you up. And here's the reality. Yeah. Have someone like actually help you with it.

Will do it. They did it when I was in high school. There was always kids that did mushrooms and fucking listened to the wall. You know what Vancouver's got? No. In Hastings, in the fucking heroin area, they have safe shoot up places. That's smart. Where you can go tell them what I'm taking,

so if you overdose, they can give you, they can like whatever, help you as best they can. Instead of like hiding it, it's like, yeah, they're going to do it. Why are we not helping them? So people are going to do mushrooms, absolutely. You should be able to talk to your guidance counselor in high school about it.

Yeah, it's smart. Yeah. It's smart to regulate. How much do you take? No, you don't need an ounce. Absolutely. You need half an eighth. Jesus Christ. You're not taking an ounce. You're going to take. Have to do the right way. How much do you take? No, you don't need an ounce. Absolutely. You need half an eighth. Jesus Christ.

You're not taking an ounce. You're going to take a stem. You're crazy. No one's ever done that. We're going to see if you freak out. And then you're going to come back tomorrow. We're going to talk to you about how psilocybin affects the brain. Take a cab.

Next time we'll take more. Here's all the benefits of psilocybin. Here's what they've shown. John Hopkins University showed that people who took- Yeah. Fascinating. That's what- If they had certain drugs that were not just legal but respected, like

that's the real problem with things like psychedelic drugs. They can't make a grant to research them because it's illegal. Well, they can now. They can now more than ever before. They can get the rights to, and Strassman did all those studies on DMT and then new ones on DMT. They got new ones going on right now. I got to do DMT eventually.

I don't know why. No, indeed. Yes, indeedy. new ones going on right now. I got to do DMT eventually. I don't know why. You do indeed. Yes, indeedy. But only if it's legal under the God's law. The law of the king. Somebody gave me some in Winnipeg,

but he freaked me out. He was like, hey, here's what DMT is. I was like, oh, really? Wow. I was like, maybe if I get the right. And then he goes,

but if you don't do it, don't give it to anyone. Just throw it out. I'm like, I'm out. No way. Jesus Christ. The warning like that. Don't give it to anybody.

What does that mean? What's in this? Yeah, you fucking crazy asshole. No way. Mix in some roofies. He's got your phone. He knows exactly where you are at all times. He's got your phone's location addresses hooked up to his laptop,

and he's following you around in a fucking bulletproof van, solid rubber tires like the Punisher. He can throw you back there, take you for a fuck ride. You think you're funny, huh, amazing racist? My mother's half Mexican. Beat you. Fucks your face while you're out cold. Yeah, not good, dude.

Don't do it. You're very smart. They told me they had mushrooms in Hong Kong. I found some people that were podcast listeners. These musicians were out there. And he said something. I made a joke about mushrooms. And he goes,

I get them out here. I heard from the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. And I was like, where do you get them out here? He goes, they're in the woods, man. Hong Kong has woods and it's humid as shit. I'm like, how do you know what to pick? He goes, I did a lot of research. You cross-reference it with pictures. McKenna talked about all the different

varieties that look like psilocybin mushrooms but are super toxic. Super poisons, yeah. Those are like the red ones. I'm like, I don't know, man. That seems like a get-out warning from the front. Some of them, yeah, like the Amanita muscaria. Yeah, it's like, I'm not taking any answers. Drug dealer or nothing on that.

You know what the other problem with that Amanita muscaria one is? What? Never talked to a single person who had a real trip with them. You had people taking them? Take them, and they don't, nothing happens. It's not really a mushroom, right? It's like different than. You had people taking them? Take them, and nothing happens. It's not really a mushroom, right? It's different than a regular mushroom. Well, it's not psilocybin.

Right, that's what it is. That's what it is. It's some other... Different psychoactive. Yeah, and they think that the mushrooms that you're getting now, when you get an Amanita Muscaria, for folks who don't know what the fuck we're talking about, Google Amanita Muscaria mushroom and religion google religion because it's connected

to a lot of religions it's connected to santa claus it's supposed to be the original santa claus just google it and figure out it's fascinating but we've talked about it too much on the podcast to go on but it's apparently different than psilocybin it has another it's another different type of but i've never heard a single person who's done it, who got off on it, who had like a real psychedelic experience. I did it with Doug. Doug and I did it on the day of the Iraq war. Me and Doug and Jan Ervin. Jan cooked it up and we drank this tea, but McKenna was saying that those mushrooms may be different genetically and seasonally and also the area. Strong and not strong. If you get cherries that are seasoned, that's sweet. Yeah.

And apparently you got to catch them in the right area. You got to get them from the right branch of this mushroom tree that's grown or whatever it is. You don't eat Mexican food in New York. Exactly. Something along those lines. But the ones that we're getting today are just bullshit. But apparently in some parts of the world, some people know how to do it right.

Probably the ones who cultivate them on purpose since they're letting them grow. But it's not like psilocybin. Like psilocybin mushrooms get you off no matter where the fuck you are. No wonder who takes them, psilocybin mushrooms produce psilocybin. That's what they are.

You know, there's Stropharia cubens Yeah. That's what they are. You know, there's Stropharia cubensis. There's a bunch of different types of these similars, but all of them that have psilocybin knock you into fucking Jupiter. That doesn't work that way with the Amanita muscaria. So a lot of people are confused about the original use of the Amanita muscaria. There's all this like, there's like all this speculation about it being attached to Christianity and

all these ancient religions and all these if you look at like all these old cards and things from from the 1800s santa claus on christmas card they all the amanita muscaria attached to it that mushroom was like a big part of christian uh folklore super mario brothers too i don't know why i got in there they didn't know no one knew so you just thought like i'll put this weird looking mushroom in no one really it was mainstream for a small period of time in the 1970s. Wow. But the Catholic Church bought off the rights to the John Marco Allegro books.

Really? Yeah. Well, one of them is still available. You're the worst. You're the worst, Catholics. The new pope's a good guy, though. Seems like a nice guy. Yeah, I guess.

This John Marco Allegro guy wrote a book called the sacred mushroom and the cross and the reason why it was significant is he was one of the scholars that was it said that's what helped start christianity yeah oh and they're like no well that yeah they were like fuck this so they bought up the rights it connected the mushroom to jesus and a bunch of other shit they bought up the rights to it but they didn't buy up the rights to the other one the dead sea scrolls and the Christian Myth, which is even more inflammatory in its title. Sort of like to go, hey, you can't silence me, dickheads. I'll just write another one,

and I'll write it with another company. That's right, you can write another book. That one you can still buy. The Sacred Mushroom and the Cross, you have to buy, you have to get it. Oh, actually, Jan Ervin just republished it. You can probably almost automatically illegally download it.

No, Jan Ervin started publishing it again. Yeah, he started publishing it again a few years ago. Wow. Before that, it was it. No, Jan Ervin started publishing it again. Yeah, he started publishing it again a few years ago. Wow. Before that, it was used. I have a couple copies of it, but they're all really old.

I got them from a used bookstore. That's when, and Christianity doesn't want people knowing of that. They didn't back then. That's for fuck sure.

It was at Simpsons where Homer had a crayon up his nose and it went into his brain and made him super smart. Mm-hmm. And he came up with a proof that there's no such thing

as God. And he gave it to his next door neighbor, Smithers. Smithers? Yeah. No, not Smithers. What is his name? No. Who's Smithers?

No, what? Mr. Burns. Flanders. Flanders. Flanders. Thank you. Flanders. There you go.

Yeah. He goes, well, that can't be true. And he's like, oh, that, yeah, that, oh, wow. And he goes, well, we can't let this get out. He burns it immediately. Wow. It's like, well, we can't let there be a proof for no God. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck they would do.

Like, what if they found today? Like, what if they found incontrovertible evidence? The Catholic Church found incontrovertible evidence that Christianity was designed by aliens to keep people in line until they landed. They have to bury it. I'll give you an analogy. Yeah, what if they found one of those, like Obi-Wan, help me, Obi-Wan, you're my only hope. They hit something. I'm about to start Christianity.

A hologram shows up and explains how humans were created. L. Ron Hubbard. Shows an alien. Wearing old clothes. Banging a monkey. Yeah. Shooting a load into a monkey. Shaking it up in a test tube,

point, human being pops out. I think they keep going because for the same reason Philip Morris kept going. When they found out, yeah, they're like, well, we got a good business going now. Yeah, well, I'm not giving up my house

in Tahiti. So it's based on nothing. Who cares? I have a castle in Tahiti. So what? People smoke cigarettes. They're going to smoke anyway. Yeah.

We tell them it's bad. Look, people need to worship something. They worship cigarettes. They're going to smoke anyway. We tell them it's bad. People need to worship something. They worship cigarettes. I got to pee again. Go pee, you silly bitch. Jesus Christ. How dare you? How dare you? I got another story for you.

You have such an interesting... Go ahead and pee. Ari, for folks who don't know, has such an interesting take on religion and religious fundamentalist religion ideas because he lived in a crazy religious community in um not a kibbutz but one of those things in israel and studied the talmud for like 12 hours a day every day and had all these super specific rules and then went from there to become within a couple years he was a dirty comedian which is amazing and like the exact opposite like not only was he just a dirty comic but he was doing like you know

like that those videos that he was doing that was very you know jokingly racist and stuff he went from like the opposite end immediately well he went very inflammatory shock humor stuff that he thinks is funny yeah but we're talking about you dude how weird it is you're like one of the only dudes that i know that went from being like a very in a very strict religious upbringing like about as strict as you can get yeah to becoming an open-minded dirty comedian who starts a mushroom festival. That's probably the only one. Who the fuck else is there? Probably the only one.

You're in a class by yourself, pal. There were a few others that were religious that got out. Yeah, definitely. Metzger, Pete Holmes. Yeah, there's definitely a few that got out, but not as far out as you got. They all kind of linger around the edge. Yeah. They dance.

Metzger's pretty out. Metzger hates religion. Kurt Metzger? Yeah. What was he? He was a Jehovah's Witness. Whoa! Yeah.

Oh, my goodness. He was real deep into Brother So-and-So, Brother Joe, Brother Brian. That's unfortunate. Yeah. But now he views it the same way. He breaks them down, too. He says this thing. There's no justification in the Bible for killing someone at war.

War has nothing to do. There's no nations in the Bible. You're not allowed to, just because America's attacking Iraq, you're not allowed to go in and kill an Iraqi. Yeah. Still do not kill. That's a good point.

There's no way around it. Yeah, there's no way around it. Yeah. And he talks about stuff like bacon not being kosher, then it always comes back to, so then why was that in the Bible? He's like, oh, because it's made up.

You're like, why is there no explanation? He's like, because it's clearly made up. Well, it has to be made up. it's made up. They're like, why is there no explanation? They're like, because it's clearly made up. Well, it has to be made up. Everything's made up. Yeah. We know that. Look, if it's not like, could you imagine if you're dealing with a religion that the people that all practice that religion are clearly elevated. They're clearly in some incredible place where they never lie and they're only altruistic and

their motives and they're super kind they're super honest and they they they live universally there's no variation universally by this intense moral code and this this this projecting of love and understanding everywhere so much so that like you felt it when you were near them like wow that guy's clearly a Catholic priest. You know what I mean? Like, if that was a thing, if it was a thing where these people would never lie, they would never cover up. Yeah, then what?

Child rape. Then you might listen to them. Yeah, sure. Then you might say, okay, well, maybe these guys really did find the word of God. And if the word of God made a lot of sense, if it doesn't make sense to people, well, you know, God works in mysterious ways. Or retards wrote a book, and you're asking me to follow a book that retards wrote. They used to sell.

That could be it, too. If you donated enough, they would sell you these tickets. I forget what they're called, but these tickets into heaven. Oh, yeah. And they started selling to rich people. And that, I mean, the priests, the popes, they would do that. The Vatican would do it. That's not even close to the worst thing they've done.

No. No, not even close. Not even close. Well, thing they've done. No. No, not even close. Not even close. Well, how about the last pope himself? The last pope, the last guy, is really, he's guilty of crimes against humans, crimes against nature. What do you mean?

He was one of the guys that diverted priest pedophiles. He diverted them to new places. They can do it again. They did it again. And it's like, this is your head. That means the head of your organization is going to do that, and you're still going to be in that organization? One of them raped 100 deaf kids.

Oh. Wrap your head around that. Jesus. So the priest was directly responsible for moving a guy who raped like 100 deaf kids. Official numbers, like speculation between 30 and 100. I mean, this has been going on for 1500 years oh yeah probably since the beginning of the the times where they made them be celibate it's probably when they started fucking kids and it's probably when they started covering it up

i mean it's amazing that you have one religion and this is a religion that i come from by the way one sect of the religion. One sect of this. It's not even Christianity. It's specifically this. I think of Catholicism as its own religion, but I guess you're right. It's a sect of Christians. Protestants don't do this. But Catholics don't think of themselves as Christians.

You talk to a Catholic, it's very rare that a Catholic considers themselves a Christian. They consider themselves a Catholic. Yeah, and Egyptians don't consider themselves Arab. But get over yourself. They're in Africa, though. Yeah, they're in whatever. Arab. Shut up.

That's not Arabia. Who are you? Oh, that's a, this guy's an asshole. But Catholics, the one religion that's explicitly connected to raping children. Yeah. There's no other one. It's in the newsletter.

Look, there's people in all sex of life that do terrible things. It's not people, it's systematic. Systematic. Systemic over the newsletter. Look, there's people in all sects of life that do terrible things. It's not people. It's systematic. Systematic. Systemic over the years. Been covered up and made to continue. Yeah.

Instead of going, oh, yeah, who cares what you are? You've done this. We're going to report you to the police and try to get you to stop doing it.

It should be their responsibility as a Catholic church. Not even cover it up and make sure it never happens again. This guy should go to jail as a warning to other priests. He was accused of crimes against humanity by victims of sex abuse. Victims' complaints to the International Criminal Court accuses Pope Benedict and three others of failing to prevent abusers.

Agreed. Hiding them and moving them. Yeah, he's a criminal. He knew that this guy was fucking kids and moved him and moving them. Yeah, he's a criminal. He knew that this guy was fucking kids and moved him to a place. Just the idea that you are in charge of administering the law in some way and you're so ignorant,

you don't understand the recidivism rates for child molesters. Like that's criminally ignorant or it's either that or you're complicit. It's one of the two. You're trying to protect your business. Yeah. This will be bad news for it.

Let's cover it up. There's no other no other options right those are the only two options so why is he why is that guy wandering around why isn't that guy locked in a cage why is it remember those people that in china that um that the baby powder formula maybe formula powder that like like 20 kids died from this baby powder yeah um and they found out what the ceos of that company were doing was putting this enzyme in that would make it test higher for purities but this enzyme they just added on their own was also had toxins in it and it killed 20 people they just murdered those people chinese government said we're gonna kill you all now how about what happened with g with gm with these fucking cars

yeah they just cover it up i didn't believe sam trippley was on the podcast and he was talking about it in sort of vague terms he didn't't know the whole story. And I believe him. I didn't believe him. Like, you had that wrong. They don't do that, dude. I was convinced. And then you looked it up. And I looked it up.

It would save them a dollar a car. What? A dollar a car. And they're willing to risk someone else's life over a dollar a car. It would cost them a dollar a car. So it saved them a dollar per car to let this happen. I'm telling you, man. It's like you think

you're better than that, but it's like organizations, when they go unchecked, they'll just become that. They'll just become that horrible thing. You need repercussions.

What kind of car do you drive, Ari? Now, none. Don't tell people. Now, none. It was a Honda for a long time. You're free now, right?

Free of that now. Are you Ubering around and shit? Ubering some. Bar and Ren is Easy's car today. Bar and Rent is Easy's car. That's a good friend. Let's see. Bar is fucking car.

He's got a second one here for his wife. His wife's not here. You've been lifting? Let me see. Uber's great. Uber. Uber's great. Uber, to me, is a perfect example of why the free market exists, where it's like cabs are

assholes. They don't pick up black people. They fucking yell at you and demand that you pay fucking cash instead of credit card even though that's not the rules they just smell and then you're like well guess what a new organization pops up from that well those guys have downtime those guys have downtime in between gigs sometimes limo drivers that's why uber works so well and then there's uber x which uses like priuses yeah they take people around in Priuses. UberX is the best.

UberX is just comedians. I always say UberX. Do you have to have a job to do that? How do you work for UberX? You just pretty much turn on the app. If you've signed up, whenever you're ready, go. Ready to work. And then here's what it does.

I asked them once. Do you have to get checked out? Do they register? Do they know who you are? I don't know. I know they're not paying people's insurance. I know they're not paying their driver's insurance. So if a driver crashes on that driver.

They have to get special insurance and I think they've gone through some checks. But I don't think they're that crazy checks. I had talked about how I thought that somebody was going to get murdered. Here's the check. Oh yeah, maybe that. Here's the check. It's the rating system. If you get bad ratings,

if you drive all over, people won't take you. Yeah, I got a guy in, if you drive all over, you don't know, then people won't take you. Yeah, I got a guy in New York who asked me to give him a rating. He asked me to rate him on... Yeah, that's their tip. So you could help me if you did that.

Yeah, but if you murder and kill somebody, you just take their phone and give yourself five stars. Ha ha, that's a great point. That's a great point. That's a great point. Then he just never does a rating. If someone's going to fight for their life

on a password-protected phone, that'll be your demise. It's weird, though. You would know who they are. You would know who they are. They'd come to pick you up. Only if you have an iPhone that's new. Yeah, but...

No, they would know in the system they came to pick you up. You don't kill the other ones. What about the Android users? No, they have the thumbprints now. Bro. But thumbprints don't work on the Android phones. They don't really start the phone up that good. There's one on the fucking big silver one.

Moto X. No, not the Moto X. What's the other one? HTC One Mega or whatever it is. They have a fingerprint thing in the back. Oh, look at you. You're a gangster. Just like no data plan. Why would you do that? It's addiction.

Oh, you're addicted. Too much time spent checking social media and emails. I can get to that later. I was on vacation for a few days. I'll good right I get off it Occasionally I got on Twitter to send out messages, you know, like something funny I saw a picture I saw a funny saw a deer walking around took a picture this guy walking around Yeah, because it gave zero Fox just walking towards me And so I took a picture of him because i was just amazed that like this deer was so used to being around people he's just walking around yeah but other than that

i didn't really go online didn't really read too much just chilled relaxed great feeling great shut your phone off don't check my email a little bit hang out with people yeah i see it on elevators as soon as everyone takes it off and like no one's even not that we need to make friends all the time but keep your eyes up just like both are good it's good to have a phone because it's good to be able to get information quickly i want to go to a movies let's find out what's playing but you have to have discipline with that yeah and if i don't and it's like i don't know if you know i'll tell the people look it up on your phone or if we're in a wi-fi technology in doing that like if you look at that trend the trend of being constantly connected to your phone being afraid to leave

your phone behind. Do you think the technology, if you sort of extrapolate, like where is that going? That didn't exist before. Do you think that technology is drawing us in to become completely committed to machines? Yeah, Borgish. Dude, Duncan just got back from this virtual reality conference, and he fucking called me up, tripping out, out tripped me out on lsd no no he was completely he was completely sober i was in front of the improv and we're talking on the phone he goes dude you're not gonna fucking believe this man he goes this is bigger than the invention of the camera this is bigger than the invention of the internet yeah he goes you go into a room and

there's a man in the room playing piano. You have these virtual reality goggles on. You put them on and he goes, and it's almost indistinguishable. He goes, you're watching a movie. He goes, it's HD and it's a film and it's playing out in front of you in three dimensions. The way they make this film is they put cameras

all over a person's body and then they film as this guy's walking around. So as you move this headset that you're wearing, it picks up all the appropriate angles from all the different cameras, and it's seamless. He said the first one, if you got that Oculus Rift, the first one. Yeah, I played that at his place.

Very pixelated, but still fascinating, right? Made you nauseous. That's gone. He said that's gone. It's gotten way better already. But the nauseous is still there. He said, I'm sure. It's taking time to get used to it. But like a new prescription on my glasses that you gone. It's gotten way better already. But the nauseous is still there. He said, I'm sure. Does it take you time to get used to it?

Yeah, a lot of people. But like a new prescription on my glasses that you get nauseous for like half a day. Those people are called pussies. The fucking, the change is here. Yeah. But Duncan was freaking the fuck out. It didn't give me nausea. It kind of, I could see where it would happen.

Doug Benson had made him sick. I think it, what's, I don't know. Do you get sick when you read in a car? Yeah, I do. I get really sick when I read in a car? Yeah, I do. I get really sick when I read in a car. I've gotten like where I've rolled down the window

and I'm like, I'm not going to make it. You have to breathe out fresh air. Well, I'm like, I am going to fucking, I can't swallow quick enough. Especially if it's a curvy road because you don't know

where the turns are coming so it's like, it goes against where you know where it's going. For me, it's just reading. It's just,

it doesn't even, they don't even have to be curvy. If I'm reading in a car, if I try to read a book or a newspaper in a car, I get sick. But nothing, that's the only time. Wow. You could read on a bus or train easier. I got sick flying in an FAA team when I flew with the Blue Angels.

I tried super hard, but I got sick at the end. You barfed. I did a little puking. What's the term, I got sick, to mean barf? Yeah, I know, right? I didn't ever hear it like that. And then I heard it in books that way. puking when did when did what's what's the term i got sick to mean barf one of that yeah i know right i didn't ever hear it like that and then i heard it in like in like books that way how about the term i got my eye on you got my i had my eye on her like she had her eye on you dude she's got her eye on you you know like if girls got the hots for you hey ari she's got her eye on you

she's looking at you yeah but is that? Some ancient medieval shit? She has her eye on you. Eye of Newt. It's part of the spell. Back when people talked really weird. I think the only thing that's lacking in cell phones and stuff is it hasn't gotten caught up by the etiquette yet.

People are now starting to be like, hey, it's dinner. Put your phone away. That is nice when people do that. People are also starting to really get into retro shit. Like, think about that. People are really into, like, record players now. And a lot of people

are into old cars. Three more minutes. We're going to turn into a pumpkin in three minutes. Oh, I got to tell you this thing. Oh, shit. Tell it quick. So in Shanghai,

they have these noodles. Street noodles. They also have street meat, which is delicious. There's expose, which I did not eat any street noodles. This is the way they got their oil to cook the noodles.

They would. Brian, I sent you the link. Do you think you have another podcast in you right now? Do you have another hour and a half or so? Hour, maybe. Let's do another one. We'll just end this bitch. We'll do another one for an hour.

Fuck it. I got nowhere to go. Okay. My kids are asleep. This episode of the podcast was brought to you by Squarespace. Go to squarespace.com and use the code word Joe. Is that it? Did I say it right?

Is that it? I think so. Yeah, they all have different ones. 10% off, free trial and 10% off. Thanks also to NatureBox. Go to naturebox.com forward slash Rogan and save 50% off your first box. Awesome food too. I really love it a lot. nature box.com forward slash rogan and save 50 off your first box awesome food too i really love it a lot nature box.com forward slash rogan all right and uh go to on it.com o-n-n-i-t

use the code word rogan save 10 off any and all supplements we'll be back tomorrow with um the guy from uh this is going to be really interesting for you brian you're going to love this the guy from, this is going to be really interesting for you, Brian. You're going to love this. The guy from Unbox Therapy. Unbox? Yeah, he's got a great YouTube channel. And it's all about technology. It's all about new shit. So going in line with what we're talking about. We'll find out about Oculus Rifts and all kinds of other shit.

And we have a show tomorrow night. Oh, shit. We got a show tomorrow night at the Ice House. Dom Irera and Joey Diaz are in the big room. And then there's another show that we're doing in the Ice House. Dom Herrera and Joey Diaz are in the big room, and then there's another show that we're doing in the little room. Maybe we'll get people back and forth from over there, too, if they want to do extra sets. Greg Fitzsimmons,

Sarah Tiana, Tony Hinchcliffe, and myself, and you. And what about Christina P? Jesus Christ! She's on some new thing. Fitzsimmons, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sarah Tiana, you and me. God damn it, son! What a great fucking show! Alright, Ari Shafir on Twitter, A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R.

If you're listening to only this part of the podcast, you're allowed to do that, but we're going to continue in about two seconds. Goodbye. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody.