The Joe Rogan Experience - #52 - Steve Rannazzisi

Episode Date: October 28, 2010

This episode is only available as audio. Joe sits down with Steve Rannazzisi.

The Joe Rogan Experience All right. You guys ready? Let's do it. I'm nervous. Don't be nervous. Hit it. Hit it, Brian. All right. You need to love me

Oh baby, I'm a traveler I travel from here down to Mexico To find that girl who loves me so No matter where I be I find that girl She said if I leave Have love And travel Have love, we'll travel.

Have love, we'll travel. If you need lovin', oh baby, I'll travel. That song is so much better when you're high. I love how it starts off. Really dirty, gnarly guitar. Fuck, that's a good song. Blown out. That's one of those songs that when you smoke a joint

and then you listen to it, you really appreciate it. That song just talks to you. That was pretty sweet. First time I ever heard it. Yeah. You know, I've been thinking about that lately, about music. I've been listening to music before I go on stage. I didn't used to do that.

But I've been doing that lately. And right after I started doing that, I watched this special, this thing with Cat Williams, where he's talking about he has a whole playlist that he listens to right before he goes out. I'm here with Steve Razzisi, ladies and gentlemen. Hello. Old school, comedy store veteran, road dog. My friend Steve Renazzisi from back in the 90s, maybe, perhaps. When did I meet you?

Now. It was 2001-something, 2002? Yeah, because I moved here in 2001, November. Shazam, son. Old school. It's a long time. We've got history. We do.

Renazzisi is a bad motherfucker. You can see him on the FX show, The league in the second season i believe we're in our second season shazam son that's when things get ruling that's when you got that syndication money coming in dog i see dvd sales in your future yeah i would love to a lot of people like it man a lot of people on my message board we're talking about it i have not had a chance to see it, but I'm going to check it out now. It's a funny show. It's good, and I'm psyched to be able to, you know. What's it about?

It's about five guys that grew up together, and they play in this fantasy football league every year. But basically, they just try to humiliate and cast shame upon each other. But it's the guys that do Curb Your Enthusiasm. So there's no script. It's all just kind of like, here's what's happening. Three dudes talking. Go. Oh, that's awesome. So the first take first take sucks you know it's like a half hour we're all talking on top of each other right right it's fucking unusable and then we gotta go but what

you said was funny there and then we just tighten it up wow it's fun it's like that it's that that's the new shit that's what everybody's trying to do or they're trying to look like right because it's like, you're funny, I'm funny. I understand what you wrote down word for word is probably funny because that guy somewhere along the line was funny. But we're going to come up with funnier shit. So just give me the situation and we'll fucking talk about it. Sometimes it's both, right? Sometimes it's just the ad-libbing and sometimes it's the writing.

It's nice to have both. When we did news radio, they let us ad-lib a lot. They did. That's good. So they gave you like, when we did news radio, they let us ad lib a lot. They did. That's good. So they gave you like, here's what we think, where we want you to go. But if you also think

of something funnier, say it. Yeah, but the way that Kirby Enthusiasm does it, and the way, I guess you guys are doing it too,

that way is, I think, the best way to watch. Because when you watch it, it seems like it's really happening. Yeah, and it's so, I mean,

we're on an FX, and we don't have the biggest budget in the world. So it's like literally dudes with cameras on their shoulders so they don't they just they're so good that they move with us so if you're talking and then they'll just move the camera to me and it's really fun to work i mean we do long days what kind of restrictions do you have like language wise literally on cable you can say whatever the fuck you want it's just what are people going to be willing to give advertising money to. So we get away with dicks and fucks.

You'll never be on the – like what they do is they put it on your back. So I'll say fuck, but the camera will be behind me. Oh, that's interesting. So they don't really go, oh, who said that? You don't actually see the mouth moving. I guess that's the fucking line. America would be like, wait, I think I heard something. But because I didn't see it, I don't even know if it happened.

How silly is that? That's literally the rules. Isn't that incredible? And then Coke will be like, no, I think I heard something, but because I didn't see it, I don't even know if it happened. How silly is that? That's literally the rules. Isn't that incredible? And then Coke will be like, no, we'll put money now. We'll give you money. Dude, it's 2010, and that's still going on. Dude, Mike and Molly, which I'm sure, I don't know, but it's like about fat people. That's the Billy Gardell show, right?

It's a new half-hour It's a new half hour sitcom. It's literally, the whole premise, I think, is like fat people like each other too. And it's like the number one new show. Of course. People fucking love it. Well, Billy Gardell is a very funny comic. I'm sure he is. You've never seen him do stand-up?

No, I've never seen him do stand-up. But I work with, on Samantha Who, with Melissa McCarthy, the girl that plays, I guess, his girlfriend. And she's super funny, too. But I think that's the whole thing. It's just like fat. You think people just want to see someone like them. That's it. There's a lot of fat people in this country, man.

You don't realize until you leave and you go somewhere else. Look at Charlie Sheen. Look at Charlie Sheen. Like, literally, how do you do the shit he does? Which is fucking great. Let him do whatever he wants to do. But then the guy. For people who don't know, while we're talking charlie sheen just got busted again again with another

hooker before he was wearing masks and shit he's so addicted to hookers he's gotta wear like mustaches his ex-wife and his kids were in like two rooms down like he brought them to new york for the first time it's like they were out seeing m Mary Poppins the night before. Oh my God. And so he's staying in another room and just getting hookers. He took them all to dinner with the hooker beforehand. It's like a gorgeous restaurant. He just can't like, how do you not, like one

night, you're like, look, my kids are down the hallway. Let's just get through this one night. The Charlie Sheen life story movie is going to be awesome. I hope Robert Downey Jr. plays Charlie Sheen. He's the only one that can pull it off. He's got both sides. He's got the good actor.

I'm sober. I can get my shit together. But plus, I know what this fucking guy went through. They're both nuts. But he asked for a raise, dude, and he got it. Oh, my God. That's the craziest shit in the world. To be like, I just fucking got busted again, but now I want $1.5 million an episode.

God damn, that's a lot of money. Dude, that's insanity. What do they do? 25 a year at least, right? Maybe more. 22, 25. Maybe more. Plus syndication.

Big hit shows, sometimes they do more. At Fear Factor's peak, we were doing 34 a year. Oh my God. Yeah. Sitcoms get like that too. If it's a big sitcom. They just pump more out because America wants it. Yeah, like the dark days of news radio.

We knew that we were in trouble when we were getting like 1918. Yeah. They would start cutting the order a little bit. Yeah, if you're not getting as many. If you have like 32 and they give you an order for like 25 or something like that. Then you know. You're fucked. Yeah.

You're like fucking start updating the wheel. The decline has begun. What's up, Brian? What are you doing with your hand? A flashlight. Oh, yeah. That's right. We're sponsored? A flashlight. Oh, yeah, that's right. We're a sponsor. We're sponsored by the flashlight.

Oh, really? Have you ever fucked one of these things? No, dude, but Bobby Lee bought one. This one no one has fucked. He's like, it's amazing. This one no one has fucked, so you can touch it. Really? Yeah.

Put your finger in it. Just feel how lifelike it feels. Oh, my God, dude. Isn't that crazy? That's trademarked. Here's another 2010 thing. This is fucking controversial. People have given me shit. People have given me shit about supporting this what about having this

on the podcast something something scientific inside this could prevent you from doing other things what's the difference between this and your hand i mean besides this feels ridiculous except you're admitting you're absolutely admitting that not only have you used it are you going to use it you You're paying to use it. You know, it's like. Dude, I would fuck this right now if you guys promised to turn your heads for fucking 10 minutes. I would fuck it right now. We got to lube it up first if you're going to do that.

That's amazing. Yeah, dude, they're awesome, man. They're way better than beating off. Way better. Way better. I can't wait. But sometimes I'm so lazy, okay, that I'm sitting in my office and that thing is over here on the couch or one that I would use. And I just beat off instead because I'm too lazy to get out of my chair yeah just sit over there i've been in hotel rooms before

where you know like you your computer is like gonna die so you go plug it into the desk right and then i'm like fuck it i'll just beat off at the desk rather than go back over to the bed be like i'll just you know you're like you can't wait that extra three minutes to get enough juice to fucking go back over to the bed so i I'm like, I'll just fucking be. And there's like a window right there. Beat off sessions in hotel rooms are so clinical. Like if it's over, it's like, yep. It's like there's no one there to see it.

There's no one there you hide it from. I've done. Yeah. I've surgical almost. I've forgotten towels before. You know, the towel you bring in the little one. And I've just rolled over on the fucking sheets. I'm just like, because this is not my.

I'm not cleaning this. This is someone else's fucking responsibility. Horrible. Horrible mess. Yeah. I'm fond of the Gator Roll myself. Fuck it. Just seed everywhere.

I'm going to sleep. I'll wake up. I'll take a shower. What do I give a fuck? If they blacklighted a fucking hotel room, it would glow in the dark. They've done shows. They did one of those inside editions, I think it was. One of those expose TV shows and they went into a hotel room. It would glow in the dark. They've done shows. They did one of those inside auditions, I think it was. One of those

expose TV shows and they went into a hotel room. It was just like someone got shot with a shotgun in every corner of the room. Did you hear the audio? Dear God! They were a little shocked. Especially the comforter was covered with shit and cum.

It was shit and cum on the comforter. People are dirty, man. They take a shit, they don't wipe their ass that good, and they and cum on the comforter. Because you've got to think, people are dirty, man. They take a shit, they don't wipe their ass that good, and they sit naked on the comforter. Then you drop a cookie on that comforter and you're eating it. When do you think they clean that comforter? Do they clean it once a week even? No. Shit, they're not cleaning it every night.

That's their goddamn sure. It's expensive. Yeah, and that thing's gross. That thing has got other people's balls and assholes and loads. No matter how nice of a place you stay at, it's probably. I throw my loads on the wall, remember? Yeah, he throws his loads on the wall

when he goes to the hotel. Yeah, just because I feel like, hey, I could throw my cum anywhere in this room and not have to clean it up. I've never heard that. No?

Dude. Oh, dude. That's so sad. It's fun. Feel for that poor lady when she walks in that room and she knows what that is on the wall.

Oh, hey. That's someone's mom. I think all women love cum. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, they all love it. There's some old lady from Guatemala who walked here. Okay, she is not happy to clean your cum off a wall, goddamn.

She might get horny from it. Wouldn't it be great, though, if you walked into a hotel room one time and there's a lady just licking the wall? Like Willy Wonka's fucking wall. Finger yourself. She's hot. Just finger blasting herself. It must have happened. Someone out there, someone must have.

If I just thought of it, someone's done it before. Someone must have fucked a hot maid in a hotel. It must have happened. Someone out there, someone... If I just thought of it, someone has done it before. Someone must have fucked a hot maid in a hotel. It must have happened. I know that for a fact. He's got a classic story. I can't even do it justice. But he came in. He was beating off. And I think that she knocked.

And most people would go, no, I'm good. But he's like, come on in. And she walked in. I guess she was into it. And she just sat there or fucked him or whatever. They got involved with each other. It was great. But like a filthy, low rent fucking hotel. That's taking a chance.

You're talking about not knowing somebody before you fuck them. Trust me. I mean, just like, boom, eye contact. And that's not the first time she's done that. Oh, yeah. That girl's a whore. Not at all. Holy shit.

You don't pick favor with me to be your first person. Oh, yeah. That girl's a whore. Not at all. Holy shit. You don't pick Faberman to be your first person. Maybe you do. Maybe he had the right formula. He maybe had the right amount of swagger, the right amount of asshole-ishness in the moment, right amount of confidence. Faberman's a savage. He really is. He's a fun dude.

Yeah. I can't do this story justice, so I won't tell the whole thing, but that's the gist of it. He fucked the fucking cleaning lady. Faberman is an odd comic. He's one of those odd guys, like an angry dude. You're like, man, this guy doesn't seem to have that comic personality. A lot of comics probably have been bullied when they were younger.

Faberman does not seem like a guy who's been bullied. No, he's adopted. I think that's where it comes from. Yeah, his parents adopted him so i think he's always kind of been like i don't really know what's going on but i'm just i'm the fucking funny guy right i'm also cool you know he's a good dude he's fun to hang out with too he really is you ever see those videos where it's a guy that's uh filming himself whacking off while uh maids come into his hotel room oh he has a setup he films himself whacking off while maids come into his hotel room. Oh, he has a set up where he does that?

He films himself whacking off. Yeah, like he waits there so his dick is in perfect view of the bed, and he puts a camcorder behind him, and it's just a collection of videos of women going, oh, and like, oh. And slamming the door. Yeah, and it's funny because you look at the style of each maid. It's completely different.

Like one's completely scared. One's like, I've seen this a million times. One's just like, kind of looks at it for a while, like, hmm. How many? Like a whole video? I think it's like 50 maybe.

Holy shit. This guy's just beating off in front of maids. The guy could go to jail for that. That's like assault. Absolutely. It would be great if the same lady came in

at the end. She's like, what? Again? Really? He's like, what are the chances? Fuck. Not you again. They don't ever show his face. It's great. It's always, what? Again? Really? He's like, oh, what are the chances? Fuck. Not you again.

They don't ever show his face. It's great. It's always just dick in the front of the camera and a door. What if the guy had a distinguishing mold on his wrist or something like that and you could tell that it was definitely him? Yeah. If that's true, man, that guy could go to jail. Of course. Can't be just beaten off in front of people, man. That's illegal. I'm pretty sure

that's illegal. Isn't it funny that someone could open the door and you could be rubbing your neck and no one has a problem with it? No. You could rub your nipples and they would go, well, that's kind of weird, but he's allowed to do that. Yeah. But if you rub your dick, that's like assault. Going to jail. Going to fucking jail. I got walked in on in Vancouver.

I was in Vancouver and I was naked in my hotel room eating breakfast. Just sitting down. This fucking chick just knock, knock, opens the door right away. Really? No time for the... No time. I stood up. I go, I'm naked.

And she just shut the door, slammed it. And just runs out of there. And I was like, what the fuck, man? I'm like, right there. Bam. Fuck. You don't just knock and open the door. That's douchey.

You don't even give someone a chance to respond. Then why knock? Just open the fucking door. Yeah, come on, Hooker. It's 10 o'clock in the morning. You don't know what's going on in here. You can't just do that. That's crazy. No. I know you're in a hurry to get home. What the fuck? Yeah, these rooms,

there's always going to be more to clean. I'm going to fuck it up again. Do you leave tips for mates? I do. Depends. Yeah, I do. No, it depends on like... There are some times I check in hotels. I put that Do Not Disturb sign on for days. Me too.

And then I'm like, now I feel awful. You know what I'm saying? And then you leave a big tip. Then I leave a fucking gigantic tip because it's like... What's the most you've ever left? A hundred bucks. I've done horrible... It's been horrible, dude. Like trays of different foods that i don't bring outside like one of those week trips where

you're like i'm here from wednesday to monday right this is gonna get dirty that's cool though too isn't it isn't it kind of a cool feeling to leave a hundred bucks for the maid when you know the maid's gonna come in there and she's gonna check she's gonna go holy shit this is fucking cool yeah can i tell you a quick story me you and him went to dinner one night at uh fucking where the place across street from the comedy store the 24 the standard diner yeah so we had dinner or whatever that was the night we saw rampage jackson in a fur coat yeah that's right with three chicks yeah with three chicks he came walking out with no shirt and a fur coat and i didn't know who he was but he knew you he's like hey what's up and he walks coat. And I didn't know who he was, but he knew you. He was like, hey, what's up?

And he walks away. He had sunglasses on. Dude, it was like 4 in the morning. It's like out of a goddamn movie. You couldn't have scripted that. I put that on television. Did you really? Yeah, I put that on.

I was doing the show Inside the UFC. And when I interviewed him, I said, I want everybody to this. I found this. This is at 3 o'clock in the morning in Hollywood. Really? Him, and he's got these two girls with him. And he's got sunglasses on and a fur coat

I'm like who the fuck is this pimp and I go oh Quentin I thought he had to be like some rapper or something no wait

didn't he say and correct me if I'm wrong didn't he say I had a baby last night didn't like one of his one of the girls he was with had a baby the previous night

I swear I remember that I don't remember that no I don't I think I asked Ari or something like that no I really don't think I did that's a problem with remember that at all. No, I don't. I think I asked Ari or something like that. No, I really don't think I did. That's a problem with older stories, man. My memory's not that good.

Because then you start adding shit into it from the other things. You don't even realize you add shit into it, or you subtract shit that was embarrassing to you. You know? And then somebody else reminds you, and you go, oh, yeah. No. You know what I just remembered that I have to talk about that I just remembered? My friend Johnny, I used to have a friend who was this crazy professional pool hustler and he had a girlfriend who was a

pool player too and most girls who play pool are nuts. 90% of them. 90% of all girls are nuts. 90% of all guys are nuts too.

We're all crazy. Anyway, this girl used to fake seizures. What? She wanted attention so bad. She was so crazy. Do you have proof

that she did this? Fucking for sure she faked it. Faked a seizure? She would fake it. She would fake so bad. She was so crazy. Do you have proof that she did this? Oh, fucking for sure she faked it. Faked a seizure? She would fake it. She would, like, fake falling down. Oh, my God. Yeah, so that everybody would be like, what's wrong? What's wrong?

And so my friend Johnny knew that she was doing this. So he'd look at me and go like this. Like he knew. He goes, oh, I guess she had a seizure, huh? Well, let's see if I can wake her up. See if I can wake her up. And he starts smacking her in the face just a little too hard just a little harder than you should be going come on honey

i hope you're okay here i hope you're okay he's smacking her in the face with his fucking heavy new york accent and she's like flinching and pretending to be seizuring honey come on you okay don't make me call i I guess we got to call 911. So she stays with this. They call 911. The fucking paramedics come. Okay? Paramedics come.

She's huddled up in a corner by the pool table. And they look at her and they go, this bitch isn't having a coma. She's not having a seizure. She's crazy. What are you doing? What's going on? And she's like, what? And they go, what happened here? They're checking your eyes.

They're like, she's fine. Nothing happened. What's going on what's and she's like um what and they go what what happened they're checking your eyes they're like she's fine nothing happened what's going on here um nothing i just i don't know what happened i think i had a seizure you didn't have a seizure oh i don't know and then how do you start lying when you start they're outside they go there so i follow them i go i got to hear what these guys gonna say yeah this fucking cunt is faking it I mean while they're there Okay they're EMT guys While they're there they're ambulance guys But as soon as they step out that pool hall They're just dudes I'm like this fucking cunt is faking it

I can't believe this shit What a crazy bitch They get in the car and just drive off That's the last thing I hear Is the driver shaking his head What a fucking crazy bitch Dude how many guys get You just have to settle for that What a fucking crazy bitch. Dude, how many guys just have to settle for that?

You have to get laid. So what are you going to do? You're going to have nothing? If you hold out too long. And this is all I can get. All I get is crazy girls. My nose is too big. My feet are too small. I got a stomach I can't get rid of. This is all I can get. This is best case scenario for me.

Shit! This fucking crazy bitch is faking seizures How do you smash your head on the ground Don't you swallow your tongue during a seizure? Well, some people do It's very dangerous I've seen people seizure before I saw a woman seizure on a plane once That was the trippiest

It was post 9-11 No one knew how to handle it Anything that happened on a plane This uh in in the chair behind us like i heard noise first like i heard like okay okay okay what okay what how do what do we do here what's going on and so i i take my headphones on and i turn around and while i'm turning around this woman is just oh it's like she's gonna turn into the exorcist. I'm watching her. I'm like, what if she becomes a werewolf right here?

What if it's like... You're trapped on a plane with this fucking chick and her clothes are shredding and hair is coming everywhere. There's some dude in the back going, really? Crazy red eyes. She just starts slaughtering the whole plane. On a plane? Yeah, the only person she doesn't slaughter is the pilot

Because she can't get in She can't get past the door So the plane lands They open up the hatches from the outside And it's just a werewolf and bodies Everywhere Blood just pours out of the plane He ate everybody on the plane

Dude, werewolves on a plane And everyone starts blaming Al-Qaeda Werewolves on a plane That's a good idea Samuel Jackson, call him up We'll get Marky Mark to produce it. Brody Stevens will be the announcer on the news. Brody, you never thought

it would happen. It's on a plane. You don't get it. I'm real. Leather exterior. Cruise control in reverse. The people in

Who are not in Southern California Do not know the pleasure That is watching Brody Stevens Do stand up comedy It really is a joy He's fucking awesome He's so unusual And unique

Like his comedy style It's so like If you saw it on paper You go what's so funny about it This is not funny at all Yeah But you see him And you can't stop repeating it.

He can say the same joke 100 times in a row. I still enjoy it every fucking time. Cadence. It's brilliant. I find if I go on after him sometimes, I will start to get it. You just kind of slide into that. It's very contagious. Who are you looking at?

Are you judging me? Don't you dare judge me, voice in the darkness. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, I was a model in Pakistan. I did a lot of page reading. I was on the cover of Camel Beat. I fought in the Iraqi war, and sure, I was an Iraqi soldier, but that's not the point.

It's so funny because he recently co-hosted the Adam Carolla podcast, and every single message on the thing was like, this is the worst. This guy sucks. I hate this guy. I'm turning it off. And it's so amazing how the learning curve for Brody is sharp. Because when I first met Brody, I was at the Man Show, and he would open up the audience before the Man Show. And I remember being from Ohio, not living in California, and he was like a Nazi driver with clapping. I felt like I had to clap so much. He's really good at it. remember being from ohio not living in california and he was like a nazi driver with clapping like

i felt like i had to clap so much he's really good and like me and my friends that were with us like i don't want to clap anymore but he's yelling at us you know so my first impressions of brody was like this guy is so angry yeah it takes a while to understand what brody's really all about it's great i've been in like crazy situations with him. I've been – yeah. Because he plays baseball. So we were on the roof of the Palms. He was doing Best Damn Sports Show in Vegas, and I happened to be getting there. So we're on the roof of the Palms throwing with this pitcher because he had an elbow surgery. So we're going back and forth, Brody and I, with this guy, Denny Nagel.

And the guy throws me – I make him throw the ball, and he goes like two feet to his right. And Brody goes, don't embarrass me throw he's a major leaguer throw it to his chest and the guy's like it's okay it's not a big deal don't embarrass i brought you into the inner circle here don't show me up and for him that's very serious too do that that's he's a fucking serious pitcher i think if he if you gave him the option to give it all up tomorrow comedy everything and just you could be a minor league baseball player he would pack it all in really yeah i think he would have given it all up how close was he to being able to play he went to arizona state he went on a scholarship like he was very good he was like a division one baseball player he's a pitcher right pitcher but then i

think he had like elbow surgery and then it just never really recovered after that. That was probably mid to early 90s and they didn't have the same kind of... They didn't have the good shit that they have now. Yeah. When they fixed you up back then, you were still jacked. Yeah. You were still like, I don't know. This might not work out. Yeah. If they did ACLs back then,

I have a friend who was on the US ski team and he had some ungodly number of knee surgeries. Really? More than 11. I think he had like 16. I think there were 16 knee surgeries, all told. He actually has metal parts in his knee now where his cartilage had rotted away and been chewed up so much that they had to cover it with stainless steel.

So now it's stainless steel over stainless steel. So it doesn't touch bone on bone anymore. It touches steel on steel. So now it's stainless steel over stainless steel. So it doesn't touch bone on bone anymore. It touches steel on steel. Yeah, it's incredible. I think that's the roughest one on your knees, the skiing. Yeah. It's all your fucking knees. He was on the ski team in the 80s.

And so the operations they did on your knees then were ungodly. Both of his legs looked like he was a fish. Like they just opened him up. Jesus. You have ACLs, right? Both. Both replaced. But all modern style.

Like everything works great. Yeah. It's no problem at all. Monkey ones? Did they give you like... No. They take you monkey. Don't they do that now?

They take cadavers. They can't take it from other animals. Oh, really? Yeah. They can't do anything from other animals. Didn't they transplant a pig heart though? Or they tried? Yeah.

I thought they were doing that to valve. Or is it a pig valve? Yeah. Something like that, like a valve. Yeah, pigs apparently are very similar biologically to people. But yeah, this one is with a piece of a dead guy. It's a cadaver. Oh, really? Yeah, basically the cadaver just, from what I understand, acts as scaffolding.

And this cadaver, when it's put in place, all the other tissue grows around it, and then eventually that tissue forms its own's put in place, all the other tissue grows around it, and then eventually that tissue forms its own ligament in place of it. Is that a donor thing? Yeah, it's a donor thing. So if you mark donor, they can take whatever they want? Yeah, they can take it. You can get it. It's good. Yeah, they take an Achilles

tendon, because it's a bigger, thicker tendon. They rebuild it. It's actually better than the original knee. But like with pitchers and shit like that, when those guys blow their elbows out and blow their shoulders out, fuck, man, that's such a horrible movement, that movement of throwing a ball really fast.

It really rips your shit apart. Yeah, it's horrible. Which is why it's incredible when you think about Nolan Ryan, the fact that old dude was pitching until he was like fucking 40-something. And he probably, he was 90% not on steroids or something like that. Yeah.

They didn't have like – Barbecue. Yeah. Texas barbecue. That's what he was on. Yeah. There's a dude, David Wells, who's like 6'5", 290 pounds. And he just threw until 42.

He just had like a rubber arm. Big, fat lefty. Christ. Never in shape. Threw a perfect game. Never in shape. Like that guy would not – He could be like a cop. Like he'd be the cop on the subway.

They just like post him up in the subway where it's like he doesn't have to run that much. Just fucking put him on the subway. Just block the turnstile. Just make sure nobody smokes pot in this car in particular. Don't have to go to other fucking cars. Just stay in this one. That's what this guy was like. That's hilarious.

Yeah. There's a lot of fat dudes like that that play baseball. It's kind of funny when you stop and think about it. Like that's one sport where you could just have a gut. Yeah, there's a lot of fat dudes like that that play baseball. It's kind of funny when you stop and think about it. That's one sport where you could just have a gut. Yeah, you can literally have that, golf, just a fat gut. Well, there's a guy who fights in the UFC. His name is Roy Nelson. I saw the show he was on.

He came in second. How did he win? He won. He won the Ultimate Fighter. He's got a tremendous gut, an epic gut. What's the matter, Brian? But he used it, right? Just mad internet problems.

Are we on? Are we on? It's recording to iTunes, so don't worry about it. What did you just disconnect? Ustream's going in and out. Is it really? Yeah, so I've been trying to fix it the whole time. I tried everything on this end, so it must be internet end.

Oh. But it's recording on iTunes right now, so don't worry about it. Yeah, but is it back on you stream or is it off i'm checking right now it keeps on going keeps on disconnecting and going on and off is there anything running though is there anything running on uh any of your computers that's like streaming stuff no no nothing streaming man we have uh my my internet's up dude okay it's back on right now but it goes it's been going back on and off so okay yeah we got i got sorry ladies and gentlemen do you have to listen to this we got uh some problems with cable i think i think

cable might suck cable internet how do you do you like that at&t u-verse you're using i really do i mean it's what i have it's a little touchy here and there once in a while like if you use the hdmi cables and you have everything set up high techly right it uh it fucks up a lot and like it's crazy fucks up how um well see the thing that they're having right now they're having a lot of sound issues with uh the u stream so like uh that it's either like a couple seconds off u stream i'm sorry not you first u-verse. It's like a couple seconds off, like the lip syncing problem. A couple seconds? Yeah, there's problems like that. And they're fixed right now.

Since they opened up or whatever, they've had the same problem. They're fixed right now. It's just to downgrade your audio to just regular yellow, white. What? And I'm like, all right, you have this high-tech digital thing. And cable has no problems like this. You have this high-tech thing, but you want me to go audio, left channel, right channel. Really?

Yeah. They want you to sound grade your audio so that it syncs up? That's their fix to their audio issues using HDMI or optical. Oh, well, fuck that. That's ridiculous. I mean, it's not every day. Once a week or something like that, you'll be like, ugh, it's a second off. All right, I'm in bed.

I don't give a shit. Really? Yeah. That drives me nuts, man. I can't watch interviews where they're talking and it's a second off. It literally makes me blow a fuse. I can't watch it. I can't focus on anything else.

I'm like, how do I know that this is even what he's really saying? Dude, I've done that in porn. You ever do that in porn where you're on XNXX and the sound will be three seconds off? And I'm like, wait, she just mouthed that. I can't. I got to turn it off. Turn off the volume now, right? I don't need volume.

I don't need to hear what you're saying. I need to hear. Do you? Yeah. I could probably, if I could see, just see and jerk off, I would probably last longer than if I just heard and jerked off really yeah so you're one of those dudes who would call like a phone sex line I don't maybe I don't know I've never done it I can't call a 900 I think I'm just probably just would never fucking ever do that I probably like with the with technology now maybe if I was if this was

like 75 I'd be like i'm yeah i'm gonna call one of those fucking numbers i called those numbers when i was a kid really yeah i was like 16 or 17 because i was still living at home and uh i called one of those numbers and uh i was beaten off while i called and right whenever when she answered when she was like yes may i help you i'm like i just came all over myself i was like so nervous that i was doing this i felt so dirty and stupid and weird yeah you were just you? I'm like, oh. I just came all over myself. Wow. I was so nervous that I was doing this. I felt so dirty and stupid and weird. Yeah, you were just. I'm calling.

I'm like, how do you do this? I don't even know what I do. Does it cost money? Where does the money go to? Does it go on my phone bill? Did it get billed to your house, right? I don't know. Oh, my God.

I don't know. What a fucking creepy thing, beating off on the phone. Calling somebody up. Yeah. Didn't it say nasty shit to you so you could beat off on the phone? Remember Marilyn Martinez used to do that? Yeah. Which is hilarious.

Marilyn, God bless her soul, was a very funny woman. But, what's the best way to put this? She's very large. She's a bigger woman. Yeah. Bigger woman.

You would hope that the woman on the other end did not look like this. Yeah, yeah. You would say to yourself, yeah, just in my mind. It was cliche almost. Yeah, it wasn't what I was hearing. And she was good at it too. She would tell you what she would say. Oh, yeah.

All sorts of dirty shit. Filthy, dude. With that Mexican accent. Damn dirty shit. Like there's nothing that you can say or think that, like tell her to say that she hasn't like, wouldn't be like, all right, I'll say that. That's no problem. You're not going to offend her.

Yeah, she was one of those old school comedy star veterans as well. She was always there. I know. Always at that place. What a fucking strange place that is. That's one of those places, man, where you get away from it for a few years,

like I've been, and then you just step back and look at it and you go, what a strange ass fucking club that is. But you know you get away from it for a few years like i've been and you just step back and look at it and go what a strange ass fucking club that is but you know what though it's i don't know how you feel but i just feel like no matter what i probably wouldn't be who or where i am right now if it wasn't for that place you would be you'd be no matter where you went on stage you think so yeah i mean sure that place is interesting because I think that place kind of builds a different muscle that a lot of other... I see other comics that don't have it. Well, it's not necessarily all good.

No. A lot of it is like there's an anger to the type of comedy store comedy that's sometimes not necessary. But a lot of it's there because you're dealing with all these idiots in the audience. There's no crowd control in that place. No. I've never worked at a major name club like that before that has no manager in the back who's quieting people and keeping

everybody calm there's nothing going on there yeah the inmates are on the asylum oh my god but they don't even anymore it used to be that they did but now they try to actually manage it and there's people who make decisions and tell the comics what to do and now it gets bizarre and now they're you know ari's been told many times to clean up his act. Yeah. Yeah, and he can't go on after certain people or before certain people. Or before certain people, yeah. Yeah, no, it's changed.

I mean, I feel like I still love the place and I go there. They treat me really well. There's a new generation there. I feel like I'm one of the older guys now. I've seen that happen. You know, when I first came there in 1994, it wasn't what I thought it was going to be. there's a new generation there. I feel like I'm one of the older guys now. I've seen that happen. When I first came there in 1994, it wasn't what I thought it was going to be.

When I first came there, I'd heard about the Comedy Store. To me, it was like Mecca. When I was in Boston, you would always hear about Richard Pryor performed at the Comedy Store in LA. That was the place where everybody went. So for me, it was like, important to get a TV show and everything? I was like, wow, this is crazy. I'm on TV. But what was really important to me is like wow i'm a paid regular at the comedy store now yeah you know and i get to go there all the time this is like the club but when i went there

i'd see like james stevens the third singing and fucking you know i'd see like a bunch of shit that was like just really subpar horrible horrible comics that have just should have you know stopped a long time ago, and this is the only club that they still perform at. That's a big thing there. I worked the cover booth there before you started doing the normal Saturday nights. And, dude, the lineup for $20 was like La Mer, La Boga, Anon Shalani, Amy Ashton. And people would come up to me like an hour into the show.

This is in Hollywood on Sunset Boulevard. People would come up to me after an hour and be like, can I have my $20? Like, you've robbed me. Like, you gave me my $20 back. And I couldn't look them in the eye because I knew that it was horrific. Horrific. There's no other club like that in the whole city, in the whole country. If you went to Catch in New York back in the day, you went on a Friday night lineup in the heyday of comedy in New York,

you would see all these great guys. You'd see David Tell. You'd see all these guys coming up and doing sets. And the comedy store in like, especially like in the late 90s, there was like, it was dark, man, you know? It was dark. There was some bad times, you know? There wasn't a lot of like good talent there.

And that's when Mencia started coming up, and that's when Eddie Griffin, Eddie Griffin had already done an HBO special. He was already pretty popular. Really popular amongst black people. And it was before he really completely went insane too. He was like. I never.

That sucks. I never. Because I heard from a lot of people that when that guy wanted to turn it on, like there was a switch. You never saw. I never got to see that. Dude, I've never seen him be like, good night. My name's Eddie Griffin.

Good night. Dude, I've seen. It's always been just people walking out and in four or five ten hour sets where you're like fuck dude why did i never get that shit what y'all don't know okay is that there's gold at the bottom of the world trade center towers and that the trains was running all night dude me and ari are in the back row one time i swear to god there's about four people in the audience and he goes like this he goes you don't think the government was part of 9-11 pentagon penta 9 9-11 nobody says a fucking word i turn to ari go are you gonna raise your hand or am i to tell this fucking guy that penta means fucking five what is wrong with this guy like

nobody says and then he tagged it with my dick and i was like that was it people going crazy i was like ari sucked my dick but i heard him fuck a chick one time in the main room bathroom dude he crushed this girl that was like my only way of ever seeing him kill like fucking he destroyed this fucking girl what happened me ari and freddie soto listen to this dude fuck this girl oh dude he fucked her she fucking was crying dude and he would be oh bitch just fucking killing this girl's pussy for about i don't know 20 minutes and i'm like that's the closest i'll ever get to him when i first started coming there he was uh he would have sets every now and then he would have sets where he would come in and really just get it together.

And you saw what the potential was. He could have been an all-time great. Yeah. He could have been, for real, all-time great. You ever see his HBO set? No. Woo! I don't know how it holds up today.

I haven't watched it in a long time. But I remember watching it going, god damn, this fucking dude's got talent. Oh, really? He was powerful, man. He was doing whatever it was, like 10 minutes or something like that, and just went out. It might have been a half an hour.

It might have been an HBO half hour. I'm not sure what he did, but I remember the set. I remember him just destroying. Really? I remember almost being taken aback. Like, wow, that's out there? That's out there in LA?

This is another level. He was, man. He could have been. But he was like the shining star of that club back then. It was fucking dark, man. Those were dark days. That was. It was him and Carlos and Dice.

It's just weird when you realize what you think it is when you're living in Boston. You're going to get there. It's going to be this perfect place where it's all about the art. And there's going to be all these incredible comics. comics and everyone's gonna grow and learn from each other and you get there and people are singing on stage and just stupid shit with you know that that they've been doing for like 20 years the same set and like wow this is so weird man because of strange loyalties that go way back fucking Fucking packs with, you know, if we all make it, we'll all help each other out. There's like, I heard so many stories. Remember Harris?

Yeah. Told me the story about him and Letterman. Oh, you would always say that. That's all he would ever say. Those guys said they were going to come and get me. Yeah, like literally like strange packs. That's why like people, you know, like Argus is there all at 915. Just like weird deals with what happened.

Who was more bitter than Harris? I don't know anyone. No one. I'm sure. Never met anyone. Dude, I never met a guy that hated everything. I would be like, oh, how was Billy Crystal? One of the worst human beings I've ever met in my life. I'll tell you what,

that guy would give you a compliment. I would throw people out of the comedy store whenever I'd throw people out. I would buy everyone in the crowd a shot. That's amazing. I remember that now. I would spend thousands of dollars. Yeah, I remember that. You'd be like, all right, it got weird in here.

We all realize it's weird. Why don't we just chill out? Everyone, let's do a shot, and then we'll move on, and we'll have fun. Let's do this together. In the spirit of friendship, this doesn't have to happen. I'm like, this is only happening because there's douchebags in the world. It's not happening because I want to be angry at somebody.

We should be having a good time here. Even if we don't agree with each other, we should be enjoying our company. We should be having fun. When someone's yelling at you and someone's heckling. Yeah, it throws it off for everything. It's just cunt shit. It's just you're an asshole, period. If you don't like something, if I'm at a show that I don't enjoy, I'll just

leave. Get up and leave. Yeah. I mean, there's no problem with getting up and leaving. I totally understand this. But by coming in the door and paying money, or whether you paid money or didn't pay money, you're basically saying, okay, I'm along with all these other people to watch what we're doing. Making an agreement. And we're going to sit here and we're going to watch it, and

either we're going to enjoy it or not enjoy it, but we'll do it as a group. And if you want to separate yourself from the group then fucking get out and leave yeah without having to be like i'm going to speak for the rest of us by saying i don't like this it's like well then you are not speaking for all of us speak for yourself by getting up quietly and fucking leaving yeah i think that's i mean there's that i mean it's it's it's whatever it. It's always that the person wants to be the center of attention. It's always that. No one yells something out unless they're trying to get a bunch of people around them to laugh

or they want to disrupt the show. They want to do something that calls attention to themselves. Yeah. Undue attention. So they're always disbalanced. Where it came from, the Harris-Pete story, this is the connection, was that Harris never said a good thing to me ever. Ever.

But I would buy the whole crowd a shot. And he goes, I'll tell you what, I've been here for 30 years. I've never saw anybody do that before. Not Pryor, not Kinison. It was a classy move. And that's it. But he didn't even look me in the eye when he said it. He was so reluctant.

Okay, fine. You're a classy man, General. Just bitterness, man. No one. he hated everything. But at that place, man, you had to deal with so many douchebags. There were so many assholes in the audience. People always say,

oh, there's all these videos of you dealing with hecklers. Why are you so good at dealing with hecklers? You have to be. If you want to work at the comedy store, you have to learn how to deal with hecklers because first of all, you're dealing with a very specific kind of heckle. This is a big percentage of the heckles.

Not all of them, but a good percentage of them are the failed actor heckle. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of dudes that really wanted to come out here and make a fucking splash. And the dreams just didn't fucking happen. And the dreams are dashed against the rocks, and they're drunk, and you're on stage, and there's some real bitterness to that. That's a confrontational asshole heckle that you get at the comedy store where you don't get anywhere else. If Steve Rannazzisi from the league is fucking in Pittsburgh, they're going to go, holy shit, that guy, I love your show.

You're here right now. I appreciate it. In Hollywood, they look at you like, this fucking could have been me. Yeah, exactly. This guy pulled the right number. Yeah, who the fuck are you? What, you got your lucky and your special? It's the worst, dude.

What are you doing, Brian? Switching cables. Switching cables. Are we disconnected from the internet again? It keeps your lucky and your special? It's the worst, dude. What are you doing, Brian? Switching cable. Switching cable. Are we disconnected from the internet again? It keeps on disconnecting. But it was on for me, bro. Yeah, but it's been giving me errors and closing down Ustreams, saying errors connecting the server and stuff like that.

Here. See, I keep on getting disconnected from the server. All right, let's just stop playing with it. It is what it is, okay? For the iTunes, it'll be perfect. Maybe it'll make us have more iTunes downloads. I get obsessed with my iTunes number. Do you really?

No. You don't care? I do give a fuck a little bit. Are you enjoying? Because I've watched like 10. I was telling Brian. Are you enjoying doing it? It's fun.

It's fun. Yeah, we enjoy it. It's fun. It's fun It looks like you're Having fun Yeah we enjoy it It's fun It's you know It's so easy You just set up Smoke a joint And you talk about some shit Yeah

I mean come on How many conversations In the back alley Of the comedy store That back parking lot How many great Great conversations Unbelievable

If those were on tape Forget it Be classics Yeah With some classic times That's one of the reasons Why I hired Brian in the first place. Just to get all the stuff.

All that stuff. Fun conversations would always take place. I mean, it's like when you get a chance to hang out with other comedians. I mean, how often do you get a chance to just hang out and do shit? Just having those kind of nights where shit would just kind of all happen around the same time. And it would be like one thing leads into another. Then this thing happens. It's fucking incredible. It's magical. That was one thing about that place it was like a magnet

for freaks it was a magnet like a homing bean that they would just shoot out like remember that hooker brian the hooker came back and just told us her whole deal she goes on craigslist and puts on pads and remember that whole thing on camera she's telling us the whole story yeah remember remember that crazy girl that got mad at you for checking your phone to see what time it was? Oh, yeah. We made a video of that, too. Yeah, she got so angry. Somebody called me, and I was talking to her, and I looked at my phone.

And all of a sudden, she started freaking out at me because I looked at my phone. What? Yeah. Because you looked at your phone. I'm like, I don't even know you. This could be my mom. Yeah. Like, what the fuck?

Most important person in my life as opposed to you, who I just met fucking minutes ago you're very nice but look this shit might be important can you imagine if during that time what you guys are talking about like iphone 4s were available all the videos that people would have in their pocket back then yeah i know so much it's pretty crazy to think that that was just a few years ago right the the whole landscape has radically changed it's been like what yeah Four years and now you can literally videotape an hour and a half conversation in HD and Twitter it to hundreds

of thousands of people in minutes. What the fuck? That's the craziest thing ever. And it's only the beginning. It's going everywhere too. When I went to see DeAntwoord at Kimmel, everybody had their iPhone 4s, H3s, everyone recording HD quality video in the front row and immediately uploading it to YouTube.

It's totally changed. When I go on stage now, I'll see 20, 30 phones up. I see it all the time. Can you imagine that shit during Led Zeppelin? God! The Doors even? That would have been insane.

See some Jimi Hendrix live. Phil Hartman used to tell me a story about when Phil was a kid, when he first came to Hollywood, he was working as an assistant at concerts. And I think it was at the Roxy. I think he said the Roxy. And Jimi Hendrix was on stage. And he had to keep his hands on the speaker to keep it from getting knocked over into the crowd. So that was his job, to stand there on the speaker with his hands up like this while

Jimi Hendrix was playing on stage four feet in front of him. He just got to watch. It's amazing. Yeah, and he was a huge, huge, huge fan. So for him, he was just like he's standing in front of God. And Jimi Hendrix was like, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Nobody was jamming like that. If you could have pulled out this time machine and just videotaped this fucking thing.

Fuck. That's what happens now. You want to talk about a guy who literally reinvented the way music sounded. Like Jimi Hendrix songs, like Voodoo Child. Yeah, nothing. Who the fuck ever played guitar like that before? No. No one.

I mean, it's so distinctively his. Like the Star Spangled Banner. Nobody does that like him. Even when they do it it sounds like contrived yeah it sounds like you're trying to like sound cool with your guitar you know what i mean like he had a way of playing it didn't sound like he was trying to be cool with his guitar it was like it was like raw energy coming out of he didn't know what was next yeah exactly didn't know what's what he was going to play the next line yeah he wasn't trying to show

you how badass he is with the guitar. He was letting all this badass shit flow through him. It was very genuine. There's a lot of guys that are really good. I know people get into them and they're like, boy, this guy can shred. They play a Steve Vai CD, like, dude, he fucking shreds. Nothing for me.

It does nothing. I can't listen to it. I understand that technically he's really good at it moving his fingers extremely badass yeah this guitar thing but it doesn't do shit for me yeah but you would listen to like voodoo child you know just the beginning yeah it's the beginning it's something pure about it man you can tell when someone nails it you can tell when someone really hits that pure vein you know where it's like whatever the fuck is coming out of them there's no pretense to it at all you know that's one of the things you know going back to the comic store that was great about that club was those late

night sets where there was like fucking six people in the audience magic man how much crazy shit did we see diaz you remember diaz taking off his shirt i don't know if you were there for this night it was in the main room there was maybe five six people in the audience and the comics okay okay then maybe not even five maybe four okay four people I believe it was two couples and then and then comics uh-huh and Joey goes on stage and has War Pig playing Ozzy Osbourne he takes his fucking shirt off okay and he's what 350 375 375 pounds with his shirt off and belting out the lyrics in tune to war pig and everyone's going nuts people people are fucking arms up in the air comics are screaming yes yes i mean he just he just nailed it you know it was just he was in

the groove where he didn't give a fuck i know he just purely didn't give a fuck those sets and they could they could happen on a on a they were like it was a fairly regular basis like one out of every three would be like so you had to see all of them because you didn't want to miss that fucking 33 where it was just like dude you fucking missed diaz last night how many times finger thing but he only went like the fucking little and but there was only like, and they were quick. They were like 12 minutes. Like he power fucked you for 12 minutes because then after that, it was like, I'm literally running out of fucking like energy slash mental capacity to fucking keep this up.

All right, good night. Diaz would leave a void too. When he would crush like that on stage, he would leave a hole that the next guy, that poor fuck, no matter what he did, he's not going to fill that hole. Dude, when I first started watching you, was like i would because i saw diaz before i saw you and then when i saw you i'm like this guy's going after diaz what fucking balls and you would do it on a regular basis and i was like that's how fucking you get really because how the fuck like what what kind of energy no matter what you say is not going to be as filthy as what he

just said in the way he said it and when he fucking lit it up you were like this is fucking tough to fucking go on after but that's the way to do it that's why i take joey on the road with me he's coming we're in austin texas next week that's him he does a half an hour and destroys and then he brings me up it's great that's the way to do it i know it's the way to do it for two reasons one because it makes me laugh because nobody makes me laugh like him. He's so crazy. The shit that he says is so ridiculous. He's so over the top.

You talk about someone who really, like what you were talking about Hendrix, has no idea what's coming out of his mouth next or how he's going to say it or even what topic he's going to talk about, but you know it's going to be inside of him. It's coming from fucking his soul. Yeah, he's a savage. He's a real savage. I would talk about it on stage, but you know it's going to be inside of him. It's coming from fucking his soul. Yeah, he's a savage. He's a real savage. I would talk about it on stage, but these are all true things,

that he doesn't know how old he is. Joey's – I watched him tape a CD the other day. He recorded a CD. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to do another one that didn't work out that good. But there was a lot of really funny shit on it, though. But one of the things that was hilarious is his age.

He's like, guys, I'm 40 years old. I'm 40 years old, guys. And then like 20 minutes later, I'm 45 years it, though. But one of the things that was hilarious is his age. He's like, guys, I'm 40 years old. I'm 40 years old, guys. And then, like, 20 minutes later, I'm 45 years old, guys. He literally doesn't know how fucking old he is. I mean, it changes with the tide. If you ask him, how old are you? I'm 44, 44, 45, 46, 47. What the fuck, cocksucker?

What's with the questions? Where's the reefer, bitch? What do you give a fuck how old I am? What are you, the IRS? You wearing a wire? He's like, who's afraid of Virginia virginia wolf he just believes whatever age he is at that fucking time he's like no we have a baby i don't know i don't know how old he is but i do know that until like 2001 or two or whatever it was when he whenever he moved in with terry uh-huh

you never knew where the fuck that guy was no he had a pager he didn't even have a cell phone he had a pager and if you lost that pager he phone. He had a pager. And if you lost that pager, he fucking vanished, man. He didn't have a dress. He was sleeping on people's couches. So where the fuck was Joe Diaz? Nobody knew where he was. It was just straight up guesswork. Cryptic. But I would love to be around at that time. Just be on the fucking road

with him. Be inside of him. Goddamn classic. Wait, wait. That didn't come out right. I'd love to be inside of him. That got creepy. I know, to be inside of it. Fuck, bro. That got creepy. I know, but you imagine if you could be Joey Diaz for a day? You imagine?

Just fucking wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and you're like, oh, shit. I'm Joey Diaz. Here we go, cocksucker. Here we go. I'm going to make the most out of this. That'd be a great movie. But you're not in control. It's Joey's brain running the fucking show. You just got being John Malkovich eyes. You're just coming out of this. It'd be a great movie. But you're not in control. It's Joey's brain running the fucking show.

You just got like being John Malkovich eyes. You're just coming out of him. Where are we going right now? A good premise for a movie, if you had a guy who was like a fitness freak and his friend or his brother

was Joey Diaz. And so the guy who was the fitness freak somehow or another through some fucking miracle of science says, listen, I'm trying to convince you

that if you could be me for a day, if you could use my body for a day, you would understand how important it is to have physical fitness. So through some weird science fucking ridiculous shit that no one would ever believe, they get to swap bodies. But Joey won't give the body back. Fuck you, cocksucker. You stupid asshole.

I got your body now, bitch. I'm staying in this fucking thing. I got this personality and this body. God damn. I'm staying in this fucking thing. I got this personality and this body. God damn. You know, and then the poor guy is now, he's got the mind of a meathead.

And he's got this fat body and no personality. And he can't get laid. And he discovers that his personality sucks more than Joey's body sucks. That's it. That's the fucking, that's the movie, man. The touching part at the end. The end. He blows his brains out in the swimming pool.

That's what he does. Shotgun in the mouth in a swimming pool. Yeah. The end. F blows his brains out in the swimming pool. That's what he does. Shotgun in the mouth in a swimming pool. Yeah. The end. Fade to black. Just the blood going out into the water. Yeah. Fade to black, son. So I was saying that I keep getting these fucking invitations to these festivals, these 2012.

It's all over festivals? These 2012, you know, like we know what's going to happen things where the seminars where people are going to speak on the great changes ahead like there's a there's a lot of nutty motherfuckers out there that are like really truly predicting that the world is going to end in 2012 like they really do believe where where do they get this where where where's their from? Well, there's a bunch of different schools. There's the Mayan calendar school. The Mayan calendar is that December 21, 2012 is the end of the long count,

so it's supposed to be some new age, and it's all open to interpretation. Who knows what the fuck the Mayans were saying by the end of an age or a new age coming. Who knows whether or not it means anything to the people. It might be something that means something to the planet. Who the fuck knows? means anything to the people. It might be something that means something to the planet. Yeah. Who the fuck knows? So there's those people. And then there's the, so there's people that have misinterpreted that, and they think that

it's some sort of a doomsday calendar. And then there's the Terrence McKenna crowd who think that 2012 is going to be some crazy new technological innovation, like a fucking warp between this world and another, or something crazy, some inventions. But everybody's banking on this happening real soon. Oh, God. It's such a common thing. And they have these meetings.

And they sit down. They speak about it. And everyone talks about sustainable farming and being prepared to start your own currency and have a small group of people. Do they want to meet with you in private to talk or they want you to speak? They want me to go speak. Yeah, some of these things you want me to speak.

So then your thing would be like, look, I kind of don't know what it is, but I don't know if you're right either. Yeah, that's the answer. The answer is no one knows what the fuck is going on. Like, what are you talking about? Yeah. These Mayans couldn't even predict their own demise. The Mayans disappeared a thousand years ago.

So what good are all those stupid calendars if they didn't even know that they would go extinct? I mean, there's like scattered Mayans. It's all going to be over in 2012. We're not going to be here. Yeah, we're gone a long time before that. But, you know, you guys, look out for yourselves. Be careful.

We don't want to see you get hurt. They really want you to go, though. I get these invitations, these things, and they're hilarious. I would go and just start making fun of everybody. Anybody with yoga beads. Fuck you. Fuck you and your yoga beads and your crystals. Are you wearing a crystal with a leather thing around your neck?

Nice. What does that mean? It's actually hemp rope. I'm a vegan. Oh, my God. It's actually hemp rope. I'm a vegan. Oh, my God. It's hemp. Dude, living in Colorado, that whole vegan thing seems so ridiculous when a mountain lion eats your dog. When I was living in Colorado, I moved to Colorado for like three months.

A mountain lion ate my dog. Oh, no. Yeah, I saw the mountain lion before I ate the dog. Oh, my God. We saw a bunch of shit. I saw a lot of deer. I saw turkeys. I saw...

You see animals. One bear ate this guy's car. I saw a lot of deer. I saw turkeys. I saw... You see animals. One bear ate this guy's car. Ate this guy's car. In the neighborhood, a bear got into this guy's car. And you think, well, if you leave food in your car, then the bear is going to eat the food. No, the bear eats the car. They don't know what seats are. They don't know if leather is edible.

They don't know what a dashboard is made out of. And they just ate everything. They ate everything. He ate the car. Just took chunks out of the dashboard. It was like someone just went in with a giant claw hammer

and just started mangling the whole inside of the car. Everything, the steering wheel, just tore it apart, tore seats apart. They're so fucking strong.

Anybody living in that sort of environment and understanding the real nature between animals and men, you wouldn't eat those? You really want to keep these fucking crazy things around? You want bears to eat your car?

Yeah. So they have to get one. When that happens, they have to capture that bear or kill it. Oh, they have to kill it. Yeah. Once they start coming around and eating garbage, they have two options, capture it or kill it. We went to a zoo there and we saw these fucking big, crazy-ass grizzly bears. And those were bears that they had to capture.

They just started eating people's garbage, like Yellowstone or someplace like that. They started eating people's garbage, and then once they get used to it, they understand that there's always going to be a food source here. You can't get rid of them. And so you have this fucking 900,000-pound fucking wild animal that will eat you. It will eat you. Oh, yeah. They'll eat people.

They eat people all the time. It's just they have to either be in danger or they think their children are in danger, so they'll attack you, or they've eaten a person before and they know how easy it is. They know. Yeah. Yeah. There's no fight. I mean, it's not like...

People are so stupid about that whole animals eating people thing. Like, well, they don't eat people normally. They don't eat people... That's because we're not out there normally. Yeah. If we were out there, they'd be eating us. Yeah, of course. Wolves don't eat people normally don't eat that's because we're not out there normally yeah if we were out there they'd be eating us you know wolves wolves used to eat people man i mean that's all that's all real shit when they were around yeah before we got guns and shit yeah we were talking about this on the podcast is a woman recently was killed uh i

believe it was in alaska 19 year old woman was killed by a fucking pack of wolves a 19 year old woman i know a 19 year old woman was killed in Canada from coyotes. Coyotes killed her. I'll just Google it so I don't give anybody disinformation. But it was a fascinating story. She was out hiking or something like that? Yeah, she was running. The woman who was killed by wolves, I believe she was jogging. Is my internet down, Brian?

I think mine is too. Fucking cunty Time Warner. You suck my dick You dumb fucks I think this is destined for iTunes Cause yeah I ain't getting no Anyway wolves are dangerous Bears are dangerous Eat animals they're delicious

I bring my son now to the zoo Cause I haven't been to the zoo in forever And we literally will stare He'll stare and I'll be staring at a fucking giraffe And I go what is that Horse body Just gigantic neck literally will stare. He'll stare, and I'll be staring at a fucking giraffe. And I go, what is that? Crazy. Horse body, just gigantic neck, and then a horse head on top. He'll look at me, and I'm like, I don't know what the fuck that is.

I don't know how to explain that fucking thing. Have you ever done those ones like in the San Diego Zoo where you get on that truck and they come up to you? Yeah. I went on that one. You did? Fascinating. Yeah. They come right up to you, and they eat right out of your hand.

It's an alien. I mean, it could easily be on Star Wars if it didn't exist. Of course. The fuck, man. Do we give up on... Your internet's just down. Straight iTunes only.

Do you have any kind of boxes No, don't worry about that right now, Brian. We'll worry about it later. There's obviously some sort of an issue. Okay. I'm going to have to clean it up. You stream. This is fucking great, though.

All animals, man, all of them are a trip. We're just used to them. If kangaroos didn't exist and all of a sudden a kangaroo was there, you'd be like, what the fuck is that? Imagine if a kangaroo didn't exist, you never saw one on the news, and then all of a sudden you saw one in your yard bouncing around. You'd be like, okay, should I do acid and I forget about it? Is this fucking, what is this, Alice in Wonderland?

Yeah. Is it real? They're fucking real. Especially like crocodiles and shit. When I lived in Florida, I lived near a place called Lake Alice. We lived in Gainesville. My dad was going to school there. And this Lake Alice, you could feed crocodiles, or not crocodiles, rather alligators.

Crocodiles are way more dangerous. Than alligators. Crocodiles are way more dangerous. Than alligators. Yeah, they're way more aggressive. And so these alligators would be out there, and people would be throwing marshmallows, and the alligators would come up and eat the marshmallows. Just walk right up? Yep, just throw them.

They're right there, dude, right there. I mean, they were like right in front of this dock. So if they just said one day, I'm sick of marshmallows, what does that taste like? It's fucking game over. It's over. Dude, it's crazy, because there's all these signs saying not to eat,

not to feed them, not to pet them, not to get close to them. They are dangerous animals. But yet they're there. They're right there and everyone seems to be okay with it. In Florida,

alligators are all over the place, man. We did an episode of the league this year with a bull, a fucking one-ton bull. And we were in an auditorium, all of us, all people, and this derangler comes in. He he's like i'm a professional bull trainer or i'm a wrangler for the bull and he goes uh just

if the bull comes at you he's like he's never been in a room like this before which immediately i'm like i'm fucking what's going on here he goes if the bull starts walking at you just hold your ground and just pretend so now there's like a hundred background people and this bull walks in and he looked around for a minute and it didn't charge but it was like i'm walking i'm gonna take a fucking lap around this gym oh my god and it just there are dudes just stand i ran like like just fucking for the hills i was like it's got its balls right dude it had its ball things do they i think they dressed it up they put like the hook through its fucking nose i mean mean, this thing was a ton. And it's just, boom, knocking people out of the way.

And they're all trying to do the right thing for $35 for 14 hours. They're just trying to stand there and not piss anyone off. This bull was knocking people around. I was like, if there's any animal out there that's not trained, it's a fucking bull. Yeah, you can't ever get them to settle down. You cannot train a bull. Yeah. What are you going to tell them?

How do they even get them to just be still enough to walk around? I don't know. Some crazy shit. Its handler was like 100 pounds. Just this little 100-pound fucking lady. It looks like a shit. A lady? Like she shit him out.

Yeah. A lady? 100-pound lady. It doesn't make any difference, lady or a man. Either one's flying. Toss whatever. Yeah. It doesn't even matter at that point.

Lost a cheetah around. Dude, they're so powerful. Maybe a lady would be better because you wouldn't feel threatened. You just decide to listen if he likes your voice. We did Fear Factor with bulls. That was the only time I was really nervous. They're big. They're huge.

And we made these people ride them. We made a 90-pound chick ride a bull. She got launched through the air, almost got kicked in the head. Really? It was the only time where I was like, what the fuck are we doing? Like, every other time, I would say, what is this stunt? Oh, well, they're going to take this car, and they're going to hit that ramp, and it's going to flip through the air, and it's going to land in these boxes.

Is there any chance it can't land in the boxes? No, no, no. There's no way. It can only fly a couple of feet through the air, and we're going to have way more boxes than we need. Okay, and what happens when it goes in the boxes? Oh, the boxes just collapse, and then it gets to the bottom it's actually a really amazing system of distribution of energy with all these collapsible cardboard

boxes totally safe yeah okay so someone's flying a car off a building it's a third store third story building you know but physically they figured out the physics of how it's going to happen to me so then i go well what's going on here oh we're gonna ride bulls well these are fucking bulls man wait a minute what if they get hurt no don't worry these are training bulls they're not as aggressive do they know they're training bulls they know they know they're bulls you sit down with them now you guys know that you're training bulls right they don't have a fucking clue that they're training bulls dude they're just not as strong as the strongest of the strong. That's the only difference. But they're still 2,000 pounds,

whatever the fuck they are. They're incredibly strong, dude. When you see them moving inside that cage, slamming into the metal and shit, it's like, whoa! This is the stupidest fucking thing I could ever think about doing right now. It's put my body on top of this thing and hang on. This thing is trapped

in this little metal box, and you're just going to all of a sudden give it freedom with a little monkey on its back. What the fuck? It's freaking out. Of course it's going to start jumping and kicking. It's paranoid. It doesn't know what you're doing. Anything with an animal, when it has another animal on its back,

it thinks that that animal is trying to kill it. Yeah, that's how animals kill you. When a tiger jumps on you, it jumps on your back and gets the back of your neck. So if you've fucking got a thing on a bull's mouth and you're hanging on his neck, he thinks you're trying to kill him, man. Of course he's going to jump and kick. Stupid fucks. I got high and went to see Jackass last week. I haven't seen it yet.

You haven't seen it yet? Dude, I don't know how. I have no idea how Johnny Knoxville is still alive. I really have no fucking idea. Those dudes are nuts for real. That's not a joke. You have to be like. There's a different level of pain tolerance that this guy has that's just unsalable.

I saw that bull thing where he got a blindfold in front of a bull. What the fuck is wrong with him, man? Dude, he gets hit by a bull. I don't want to. Just one thing. What the fuck is wrong with him, man? Dude, he gets hit by a bull. I don't want to, just one thing, but he flips on his neck, and they slow motion it down, where you're like, it's unfathomable how this guy is still walking.

Yeah. And he just gets up, and he's like, and then just fucking runs for a fence. Oh, my God. Like, he's still got the dexterity to run and jump over a fence. Oh, my God. It seemed like, to me, though, that was probably the last one, though. The movie? Yeah.

I think they wanted it to be, but I think because the movie made $50 million and went all said and done, it'll probably make, between DVDs, $200 million. And they go, you want to do one for $12 million? And it might not be the last one. Because he even says, he's like, how many of these can I do? Plus, he doesn't really do a lot of other stuff in between. So you can get a bigger payday every couple years. It's like not but you i mean dude i don't know how like they're just testing fate at this point yeah i would rather do another movie with the rock will you play the rocks deputy deputy side where we fucking with a little accent get those guys

and the rocks got a baseball bat he prefers to use a bat it's got a little moonshine bucket with three x's on it and shit. I'm ready to kick ass and take names. I don't really care about the names. And I'm all out of names. You probably need to take kick ass. Kick butt. No, it isn't.

Kick butt and take names. I've got no more room in my address book. You've got to see the movie. I got high and saw it in 3D. I've only seen one movie in 3d before this one what was that avatar yeah i never saw a movie in 3d before that maybe i missed it never saw jaws jaws 3d never saw jaws 3d so avatar literally was like it changed my my life like i was kept flipping the glasses back and forth to see what it was like but then when i got high and saw jackass

it was like it was a midnight showing at the Palms. People were wasted. There was chips flying in the air. It was kind of a cool environment to see it in. Yeah. And then high and then just fucking... It was like a party.

Everyone was laughing together. That's crazy to see a movie in Vegas. I had done the show. I was done with it and I was like, you know what? Instead of going out and getting fucked up

or doing something stupid, it's like, I want to see this movie. Let's smoke a joint. Let's go... And they save us a couple seats. But that's you. You're working there. That makes sense. Who are the, I want to see this movie. Let's smoke a joint. Let's go. And they save us a couple seats. But that's you. You're working there.

That makes sense. Who are the other people going to see the movies? People that live there. You're in Vegas? Yeah. Is it people that live there? Is that what it is? People that live there, yeah.

Oh, that makes sense. You can't do this every fucking night. Could you imagine living in Vegas? Not a chance. Fuck no. Not a chance. It's like either living on the surface of the sun or in a colony of vampires.

It's like very similar every time i leave vegas i feel depressed dry i feel hung over i just yeah it's a horrible feeling of shitty decisions adrina patridge was on my flight home who's that she's uh she's this chick from the hills she's ridiculously hot and uh and she's on dancing with the stars she got kicked off or something this week anyway she's so hot and she was southwest and she just happened to have the seat like she picked the seat next to me shazam she fell asleep and i i tried for 20 minutes to like look down in her shirt but i couldn't i couldn't i couldn't could get an angle couldn't get the fucking angle her head kept moving it was horrible did her head ever land on you and you cut over there no but i was like rubber forehead i was like just i was trying to smell

her yeah it was filthy how hot is she 10 yeah she's a 10 why didn't you record her 25 how what how old 23 that's yeah in that range do you take any photos no why not that's what you have it for fuck bro you waste it i know bro but she was sleeping i'm like then there's physical evidence of me so i mean not that it's not now me confessing it on the fucking internet is not right same evidence really really hot chick like that like to everyone but but you know to gay men and to to regular women like you really have no idea what kind of power that chick has on a guy. None.

A super hot chick like that could just run a guy. Just run him. There's no way he can help himself. Whatever they want. Some regular dude, I've seen it happen many times, Brian. If you've seen it happen. What? Some super hot chick just running some dude's life.

Oh, totally. Usually happens to me. Tell us how it happens. What happens? Really? Totally. It usually happens to me. Tell us how it happens. What happens? Well, you realize that you're just focused on really nice boobs,

but then everything else around the boob is awful, and then you just don't care because it's like a bullseye, and you just want to look at their boobs all day. So you're focused only on their body, not on their personality. That's what you're saying? Well, I guess you just overlook a lot of things that usually if they didn't have an awesome rocking body that you would probably like look into a little bit further you know but you're so happy with just you find yourself tolerating like if i had said those things to you you'd be like i'm not friends with this guy anymore right because i don't right yeah dude how many times you've been in a relationship with someone and someone else

yell like mean hurtful shit at you and you go, I don't have friends that talk to me like that. You're obviously not my friend. Yeah. But some people, if you grow up in a family like that, that's what you think you're supposed to do. That's true. That's what you think you're supposed to do. If your parents always yelled at each other, you think that's how people react to each other. You want to be a grown-up.

You want to be a grown-up too? Hey, you know, you got to fucking respect me. Like, whoa, whoa, where the hell is this coming from? Did you fight with your sister a lot? No. Me and my sister would always fight. Me and my sister were very friendly. Ridiculous fights, you know, you got to fucking respect me. Like, whoa, whoa, where the hell is this coming from? Did you fight with your sister a lot? No. Me and my sister would always fight. Me and my sister were very friendly. Ridiculous fights, you know, growing up.

Not like. We got in a few arguments when we were really, really young. But by the time we were in high school, we never even argued about shit. Every now and then, like, she would, like, try to have a party over the house. And I would come home and go, get the fuck out. Everybody out. Like, she would. Oh, really?

Yeah, she would get a little crazy. Try to bring a bunch of people over. My parents were away. I'd come home, and I was delivering newspapers and fighting in Taekwondo tournaments. So I had to get up at 5 o'clock in the morning and deliver newspapers. Then I would train and go compete in tournaments. That's all I did. I was a loser.

I had no life outside of fighting. No martial arts, delivering newspapers, go to school. That was it. That's it. That was all I did. So I would come home. There would be all these idiots in my house, and I'd have to get up in five hours so i would just go fucking crazy and kick everybody out that was the only arguments we ever had but other than that my sister's cool

not to i went to brody's house one time when he lived with brody with his sister we walked in and the sister i guess had let the cat didn't feed some of of them had to get this goddamn cat food. And he goes, this is not the way I deserve to be treated in a condo I live with my sister, paid for by my mother. And he just goes off on his fucking sister. He's like, she doesn't get me. Is he really living with his sister? Now he moved in with another person. But yeah, he was living with his sister in a condo that his mother paid for

before she moved to Palm Springs. It drives me crazy when I find out that he's not a successful guy. It drives me crazy that he's not... It's just going to take someone to do something around him big enough that they go, okay, here is a radio show. Here's your microphone.

Here are the people that are going to come in. Let them do it for a while and get used to it and get relaxed and then just build it. They will come. Launch it. Yeah. Well, I just did a podcast last week for him that if you guys are interested in who we're talking about it's pretty funny same thing he was talking about his sister and he's calling a squatter she's a squatter getting him going was it fun did you enjoy it should we have him on the podcast oh

yeah i think so i mean okay what his he wants to do with this podcast, his idea is to take a bunch of the really young kids at the comedy store and throw them on the couch and talk to these guys. Oh, that's a good idea. Just to get them some stage time. Well, we did that with Brian's friend, Little Esther. You know Little Esther? Oh, yeah, yeah. We brought her in, and she did the podcast.

She's funny. She's going to come to Austin. She's going to do a little 10-minute sets. That's great. We're at the Cap City Comedy Club. Oh, we're there next week. Next week. Me and Joey Diaz.

It's Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Some tickets are still available. How great is Austin? Fucking love it there, man. It's one of the greatest cities ever. I've only performed there once. It's one of the greatest, coolest, smartest, funnest cities ever. They just got it down.

I mean, it's not perfect. There's nothing perfect. There's no city that's perfect. But Austin is pretty goddamn close. Not too big. I want to live there one day. People are cool. I like it a lot, man. It's a little too congested for me. The reason

why I moved to Colorado is if I was going to go outside LA, it had to be really outside. I want the opposite of this. I want the to be like really outside. I don't want this. I want the opposite of this. I want the opposite of too many people. I want, you know, I would like just like,

you know, one of the things I loved about Colorado, I'd be driving down these dirt roads and shit, headed home. And when someone's coming the other way, they do this. They wave. They put their hand up. And I wave back.

It's sincere. That you can have enough connections or a limited amount of connections during the day that they mean something every time there's less people you appreciate each other more you know like i would uh be walking my dog and uh i'd be you know passing by some guy who's like getting his mail or something like that they're so different than out here if i if i'm walking down this street and i see somebody like it's very rare anybody says hi or you can make side contact yeah there everybody was like how you doing it's a nice day huh it's just friendly cordial type shit yeah you don't get that when there's too many people it's just like having you know if you don't have money and then you know you

you you have a little bit here and there you appreciate that little money that you get when you have ridiculous piles of money you just start getting used to the fact you've got money yeah you don't appreciate it if you lose a dollar it doesn't mean anything to you if you're poor and you lose a dollar it means a lot when you have a small amount of people you appreciate those people you know it's like we get too much this this like when you're in a city like la when you get on that 405 like i had to go to anaheim the other day oh it was fucking brutality man it's just insane you're going five miles an hour stop five miles an hour stop and it's four five maybe even five and a half hours to get down there jesus like you just look

at all those people and you go this is not what are we doing let's spread out yeah this is craziness man this is not no wonder why we don't appreciate each other you know but if you ever been in a car when it's snowing out man you ever been in a car when it's snowing out when it's snowing and you're around a bunch of other people and snowing and you're driving looking at each other like how you doing buddy everyone that's all yeah everybody's all super friendly because everybody's freaking the fuck out because mother nature is kicking your dick right now you know yeah the ground is covered with a thick layer and you're like how thick is this shit gonna get before i get home am i gonna get stuck somewhere do i have enough gas to keep the car on never ride

the guy in front of his ass you're like I want to let this guy whatever is going to happen let it happen I want to watch how this guy maneuvers shit stay in their tire tracks and shit I remember being super retarded once it was like ice storm and I had ice all over my windshield growing up and I was late for work

so I took this big bucket of hot water to melt the ice and I poured it on my windshield and so I took this big bucket of hot water thing to melt the ice. Oh, no. And I poured it on my windshield. It froze. No, I watched my windshield go. It broke? It cracked. Oh, no.

And then it froze even worse. Oh, no. Cracked your windshield. You cracked your windshield. I was like 16 going, oh, fuck. Yeah, glass isn't meant. Yeah. That's hilarious.

Dude, that should be a great scene in a movie. Yeah, glass isn't meant to go from fucking negative 32 a great scene in a movie yeah glasses are meant to go from fucking like negative 32 to 100 degrees in a second there is something about living in a cold climate like that when you have to deal with those winters that makes a different type of person i think people in los angeles they have they're one of the reasons why a lot of people out here are more disconnected is because they don't have to worry about nature. You don't really worry about it here. All you have to do is it gets warm out, make sure you drink some water.

That's about all you have to worry about. You don't have to worry about thunderstorms. You remember crazy lightning storms? You don't have to worry about getting killed by bolts of lightning out of the sky. East Coast, when I lived in Boston, if a fucking thunderstorm came, you would see lightning bolts hit trees every now and then.

And you knew not to go by trees because you were trained. You were like, don't go over there. I forget where the fuck it was. I don't remember enough to tell it. But I remember some lightning bolt hit something near us, like very close. And we could go to the spot where it hit. I'm like, fuck, man. That's death.

If that's you, you're fucked. There's something humbling about that. After a brutal, brutal hurricane back in the East Coast, after it was over, people were always nice. Always nice. Everybody was just a little bit humbled. Nature just fucking do a fucking

crazy hissy fit. I'll fucking kill you. I'll fucking kill everyone. Nature's throwing trees and shit. It's like when you and your brothers and your sisters are fighting in the backseat and your dad would be like, I'll fucking kill you. That's Mother Nature going, hey, everyone just chill the fuck out. I never liked it.

You bitches don't appreciate anything. I never got used to it either. A lot of my friends, when a thunderstorm came, they were like, yeah, let's drink. Let's have a party and stuff. To me, I was always fucking just scared out of my mind every time a huge storm hit Ohio.

The thing that always used to get me, man, is when the really big ones would hit, it was like, this can keep going. I've never experienced it, but I know it happens where it goes like typhoon and then it goes fucking class whatever hurricane where it's like Katrina style. They keep going. It doesn't always

like this isn't the end of the power it can come with. These fucking things can get really powerful. So just because you're going to get through this hurricane, okay, you're going to survive. And power might be out for a couple of days. There may be one someday that wipes out a whole city. There will be. That's very possible.

Absolutely. I was coming home once in middle school or high school. We went to Cedar Point, which is this big amusement park in Ohio. And there was this huge thunderstorm. We had to leave early. And I remember on the way home, we saw a tornado just coming up the highway. As kids, you're like, what the fuck? And I don't know if that has anything to do with why I'm scared, but our bus was actually going, he was going faster just to try to run away from this tornado. And it was raining like crazy. Oh, my God. And I just remember being a kid going, and he's like, everyone, put your heads,

or doing something with your hands. Oh, you know what to do. Oh, my God. Yeah, because it will pick that bus up and just fucking fling it like it's nothing. Nothing. That's happened so many times. People flying out of windows.

If tornadoes were monsters from outer space, we would feel like we were being attacked. We'd be on red alert and shit. We'd be worried. Trying to shoot the tornado with bullets. Radiation, cloud seeding. We have to make it rain around the tornado to lessen its capability. The tornado is just moving.

Like, damn, tornado moved. We were in Miami and some sort of a tropical storm hit. And we were driving to – Eddie had a seminar down there, and there was a UFC, and so we were there like the day early for a seminar. And as we're driving down the highway, we had a stop in the middle of the highway. The whole highway did because the rain was so thick and it was coming down so hard, you couldn't see anything. You literally couldn't see.

Really? You couldn't see a thing. It was just all white. It was incredible. I've never seen that volume of water before. Really? Literally, everyone on the highway stopped for 10, 15 minutes. For 10 or 15 minutes, it was like this.

You couldn't see a goddamn... We were sitting in the car going, holy shit! This is fucking crazy! You don't know when that could end? It could end in 30 minutes. Well, they're pretty good at judging whether or not you have to run for high ground and cover and go into a bunk. They're pretty good at when the big ones, some big, giant, crazy one apparently just hit the Philippines. And they were showing it on, they had photos of it on the news.

They know how long, in general, they're going to last. But it doesn't matter why you're in it. While you're in, even a small one, even a medium-sized one like this one was it didn't even make the news nobody died still it's like what the fuck man you can't see there's so much water you can't see anything it's a full whitewash just the there's a wall of rain coming from the sky in front of you i remember that one of the last storms i went through in ohio right before i moved to California was this huge hailstorm. I recorded it somewhere on the internet. Never been in one of those.

Oh, it started off as just golf balls flying from the, you know, what's upstairs? Sky? Yeah. It started off with just. From above where my eyes see. Might want to cut back on the weeds. Yeah, right. So it starts off with golf balls.

And I started recording because everything in my back patio was just getting fucked up, like ripping umbrellas. And you couldn't go outside to save anything because these are golf balls that would hit you in the head. And then I went to the front, and I had a tourist show. It was like a nice car that I inherited from my grandma. I had a tourist show, and it was a nice car that I inherited from my grandma. And I just watched my car slowly dissolve and dense, like the size of like – Really? Oh, it just fucked my car up.

And it was just the most horrible thing to watch your car just get beat up by guys. There's a crazy video online. I'm trying to see if I can find it where these people – Oh, here's one. Look at the size of these hail balls. Whoa. Yeah, there's one where these guys are in their house and they're looking out the window at their swimming pool and at first it's like splashing in the pool and they're like holy shit look at this hail oh my god and then it gets so big that it doesn't even seem real it gets so big that a lot of people

on youtube are like fake fake but it's not it was bricks there were bricks coming from the sky hundreds of thousands of them and just smashing everything knocked over this grill sent the fucking lid flying the whole water the water looked like like rockets were shooting out of the water into space like that's how the water was coming up it was insane you would but do you die you definitely yeah that would be it you definitely get hit in the head with that, you're dead. After the hailstorm, though, it was crazy going outside because it was like July and it looked like it had snow. It would just look like snow everywhere.

Isn't that nuts that hailstorms can come in July like that? Ice can come from the sky in July. How fucking fragile is our environment? Yeah. It's so fragile. I mean, the difference between California and Ohio is just like a little turn of this crazy planet. Just a little

slight turn this way or that way. And you go a little more, oh, you're fucked! You're in Alaska! You're in Antarctica! You're in some place where you're fucked and it's a fucking million degrees below zero. And if we just move just a little bit further from the sun, oh, we're fucking, everyone dies.

No, it's San Diego. It's 78 every day. Yeah. It's fucking dope. It is. It's nice waves. How's that possible? How's it possible that Hawaii is always perfect?

Have you ever been to Hawaii? Amazing. Dude, Hawaii's the greatest place to go on vacation. You know it's always going to be awesome. I've never been to Hawaii when it wasn't awesome. It's always 78 and sunny. Have you been to Guam? No.

I went to Guam with Tripoli. We went to Guam, and they don't build anything nice because they just get a typhoon every single fucking year. So we called it Ghetto Hawaii. It's gorgeous most of the time, but then they get like three weeks of just go fuck yourself weather, and so that just knocks buildings down. So even they're a little bit different than Hawaii. Hawaii is so nice, and Guam just gets the shit beat out of it every once like once a year it's funny how that

is isn't it it's funny how there's like spots where things always happen and the big island in hawaii there's three totally different environments there's like this one place where it's like really dry and like almost desert like and there's all these lava fields where everything's dead like it's like hot lava came down from the mountains then there's other parts that were like a tropical rainforest there's other parts it's like incredibly green and lush like hilo it rains like all the time like almost every day it's so lush and green like in the mountains on mauna loa and then there's like where the keck observatory is which is also up a mountain, which is totally different. It's a fucking mountain, man. You're like 10,000,

11,000 feet above sea level. It's a legit mountain with snow and shit. It's like, wow, all this on an island. Same thing. It's one little tiny island and it's got three

completely different environments. Hawaii's poor. Yeah, it is. It's, yeah, and it's not, I mean, it's, if you move there,

you gotta be prepared to live the way they live. Yeah. You know, a lot of white people move there and all of a sudden they're like, why don't you guys mow your lawn? And you're like, no. Fuck you. And they fucking go crazy on you.

Beat your ass with a coconut, you know? Because of hundreds and hundreds of years we didn't mow our lawn. Bitch, this is their land. This is, you know, if you could buy a house on their land, you better be cool, man. They were there first. For real. For real there. Yeah. It's not like America, you know better be cool, man. They were there first. For real. For real there. Yeah, it's not like America.

American Indians were there first. Oh, no. We were here. Even American Indians weren't really here first. There's fucking Chinese skeletons they found from 10,000 years ago. They know the Chinese now were the first settlers. Not the first settlers, but the oldest human remains ever found in America is Chinese. Chinese?

Yeah. Oh, it's alien. There's a fucking history to this world that we have lost, for sure. We've talked about this on the podcast before, but if you follow this guy named Graham Hancock, he's this archaeologist that specializes in ancient civilizations that are kind of unexplained. And his main theory is that there have been several great ages of humanity, but cataclysmic disasters have basically almost knocked people back to the Stone Age. Like people in ancient Egypt got to incredibly high technological level

many, many thousands of years before the established time of ancient Egypt. This is their thinking. And that something happened around 10,000 BC. Something happened around 10,000 years ago. Something happened probably like an asteroid impact or something crazy. And that's also, it coincides with the end of the Ice Age. So the Earth just resets itself? Maybe.

It's not the Earth that resets itself. It's just that we almost get wiped out by, well, we know there's a lot of asteroids. There's like hundreds of thousands of near-Earth objects. And every now and then they collide with each other. And the Earth's been hit many, many times. And some of them hit and they fucking kill everybody, like the dinosaur one. But some of them hit and they fucking kill everybody like the dinosaur one but some of them hit and they you know they just wipe out like a big chunk of people like there's one landed in nevada it's a mile wide crater it's like the crater was a mile wide and you know that's not even enough to i mean you you mean it's it's gonna like do like

some considerable damage but it's not enough to wipe out the race, right? Well, just this one that's a mile-wide crater killed everything within 800 miles of it. What? Everything. Everything alive within 800 miles. Trees, animals, dead. Dead. Just a monstrous shockwave of energy.

And this is just one that lasted... I mean, this one, I think they said it was 50,000 years ago. I think that's when it hit,000 years ago, I think. That's when it hit. Wow. So there's been a bunch of these fucking things, and they've hit all over the world, and some bigger than others. And it could be that, it could be super volcanoes, they know that that's the case. They know that something happened around 10,000 years ago that killed all the woolly mammoths,

all the saber-toothed tigers, and ended the Ice Age. And they think they might be together. They might be linked together. So all these guys they uh you know they look at all this and there's john anthony west he's another one who specializes in it and graham hancock there's all these people that are looking at like all this incredible these incredible structures that people left behind and they go wait a minute wait a minute how long have we really been here like do we really know do we really know i mean we're just

guessing we don't we're just guessing we're guessing about all these civilizations it's fucking fascinating shit, man. And the fascinating ruins that you find that they can't explain, like Easter Island. I don't know who the fuck built these. These big, giant stone heads. They look crazy, and they're so complicated, man. I mean, how many fucking thousands of pounds are those rocks? You've got to cut them like that and then move them into place?

Shouldn't you be out getting mangoes and shit? When do you have the time to be doing this, man? Why are you doing this? Extracurricular activities. Dude, there's these guys that lived in South America. I believe they're called the Toltecs. I don't want to say that if I'm wrong. But they don't even know anything about these

people. They don't know what their language was. Yeah, it's Toltecs. They don't know what their language was. They don't know what they did. They lived in South America. They found these African-faced heads. Giant, carved African-faced heads. Big

African lips. Very African-looking. And obviously advanced civilization with like headdresses and shit and they found these fucking things just in the jungle and they don't know where they came from they don't know there's all this other shit they left behind they know nothing about them what do they do what do those scientists do like the smartest people in the world they come back and they go i i don't know i fucking found i found this it's very touchy does anyone know what this fucking means? It's a tricky subject, because once you find it, you have to admit,

like, okay, we're in a real perplexing situation, because we thought we had a roadmap of North America. We thought that the Asians came down from the Bering Strait, from Russia and Siberia and Asia, and that's how human beings... That's a Native American. When they do the DNA test on Native Americans, they're most closely related to people from asia oh really because they came down all right so yeah russia people walked you know and froze the ice yeah and once the ice age ended you know native americans that's those are the people that that colonized this country

we don't even know and that shit you know we don't we don't even know man it's all fucking we don't we don't even know who came before we don't know we don't know how long people have been on this earth we really don't know we have guesses you know we have guesses as far as like how long people have been advanced how long we've had advanced cultures we know like what we can find we found shit that's 6 000 years old and this is really old and it's advanced we go well this must be the first this is the first civilization until we find a newer one yeah or an older one they don't know dude they don't know it's crazy what's crazy is like what graham hancock says is that we're a species with amnesia and that really is what it's like as you start getting older and you start really looking at

the whole idea of history the whole idea that there was all these people before us and they all lived and they accomplished all these incredible things and then they died it seems so abstract it's like what they were here and then they're gone and then you read the history of how many people were here and gone but as you get older you start thinking about that history and you go man you don't really fucking know like a lot of this you're guessing you have to be guessing you don't know what happened 15 000 years ago you don't really have really have a clue. I would never assume to try to say what happened 15,000 years ago. They have to, though. They have to fill in the blanks.

Why? Because they're scientists. Because they're archaeologists. They have to, you know. The problem is once they decide something, then it becomes tricky. Because they're having a real hard time accepting a lot of information about Egypt, like geological information. There's a guy named Dr. Ron Schock out a university of massachusetts no boston university i believe and he's um a geologist and he's decided to like he he looked at all the the erosion that's in the sphinx uh and then the

sphinx chamber and he's said that this is all water and this is all like thousands of years of rainfall and what that means is that it had to have happened long long before the what the current idea of the egyptians is because the current idea we believe it's like 2500 bc they built all that shit but this guy's saying that no it had to be like 7 000 years before that because of all the water stains it's my it's i know i talk about this too much on this podcast because i'm fucking fascinated by it it's it's a crazy thing to me that we really don't know how long human beings have been around and that there's a very real possibility that there's been a bunch of us. Not obsessed.

A bunch of different ages. What freaks me out is that people are still, like you said, trying to assume that they know. Why would you ever try to – why would you – that's what bothers me when people go, oh, no, but this is what we know. How does anyone – just don't try to fucking tell me that I'm stupid for being like, no, this is – no one really knows. Why are you telling me you know? They attribute things to certain people. I know what you're saying.

They attribute things to certain people where they really should say, we think this could have been what happened. While I was watching this thing on Chichen Itza – not Chichen Itza, I'm sorry, Machu Picchu in Peru, where they were talking, they really don't exactly know why all that shit was built like way, way, way the fuck up there. But there's all these crazy theories that there might have been water

that actually reached that high at one point in time. Really? Dude, it's nuts. If you go back and, you know, look at any of that guy's work, this guy Graham Hancock, he's got a book called Fingerprints of the Gods.

Shit will blow your mind, man. Is there someone to take his place, though? If he dies? Yeah. Sure, there's a bunch of other guys. The problem is he's the most respected. He's got rock-solid credentials. He's a real scholar, a really brilliant man.

He's very well-spoken. You hear he does interviews and he talks. He's a really fascinating guy. He's one of my favorite people to read his books. He's just an open-minded, really intelligent thinker. And so he was like, you know, he has all these controversial theories and then after all these controversial theories,

these theories of ancient civilizations, all these different things that people are disputing, then he writes this book about psychedelic drugs. He writes this book called Supernatural where he believes that man's entire life we've been influenced by psychedelics. He started taking ayahuasca and going to Peru.

What's ayahuasca? It's this crazy drug that you take in the Amazon jungle and it gives you DMT experiences, like this long-term DMT experiences. And they have these people that go down there and they put on these shamanistic rituals and they communicate with the afterlife.

So now his latest work is that he's convinced that mankind has been helped throughout human history by psychedelic trips to other dimensions. As if his last shit wasn't controversial. Yeah, yeah. No, what's more than this? Yeah, what is he going to talk about next? UFOs? That's the last.

That's it. Have you seen that thing about the Vatican? The Vatican had a fucking conference about UFOfos the vatican yeah i gotta i gotta pull that up because it was really ridiculous what did they say oh they were talking about how um extraterrestrials uh they uh are our brothers from space and that they may have been without original sin, so they may be pure. They might not have had to go through what we went through. This is starting to sound like vampires. Dude, it's hilarious. It's a pure vampire.

It's hilarious, dude. It is sounding like that, right? She chose to be a vampire. And this is in the New York Times, by the way. This isn't like some nutty shit. That's crazy. Yeah, hold on. Steve, so you've been on the road touring for your show, The League, doing stand-up comedy also.

I have. Have you guys been doing clubs, theaters? What's going on? We did the House of Blues in Chicago, which was beautiful. And then we did a couple clubs. We did Cobbs in San Francisco, Arlington Brewhouse in D.C. So who are you touring with? Who is it?

Nick Kroll, Paul Scheer, and John Lajoie and myself usually go out together. Those are the four guys on the show that do stand-up. And it's fun. We don't all just do stand-up. We'll do some audience stuff and fuck around with each other. A lot of fans of the show? Yeah, a lot of fans of the show. We've been selling out. We're doing the show at largo on tuesday it's

sold out which is nice really really cool um and yeah people like the show and it's just nice for us to be able to go oh these are the guys that like the show right i like to get to see them yeah that's a rare that's a such a different experience right when they're coming to see you yeah as opposed to just going to a club you got to kind of convince them to come out and see you do comedy yeah no i promise i'm funny and then they but now when they come coming to see you as opposed to just going to a club and you've got to convince them to come out and see you do comedy. No, I promise I'm funny but now when they come out and they seek you out it's kind of a different...

Very different, right? Way cooler, right? Way cooler because they are... Now I can show that I'm also funny so they're not going to be like, oh fuck, we just like the show. That's brutal if you do go to see a guy and he's like, I really admire what Charlie Murphy did.

Because what Charlie Murphy did was he wasn't a stand-up comedian. He was an actor. And then all of a sudden he did the Chappelle show. And then he started doing stand-up while he was famous. So he was already famous. And then he starts doing stand-up, which is just fucking bonkers, man. That's a big chance. Steve-O's doing stand-up now is he really actually saw it and it was surprisingly good it was he he uh he was his stage presence was uh very interesting it

wasn't he didn't stumble he actually just pretty much told stories, and his personality on stage came across good. I mean, it was probably the third time he's done stand-up. Did he do any stunts or anything like that? No, no, no. He just talked about what his life is like, and it was really cool, and I got to talk to him after the show, and I guess he's completely sober now and everything like that.

You could see it in the movie, that this is the first time they're doing shit when they're like, oh my God, I don't know what this feels like yeah yeah but i was i was actually every person that was there that night this was at tripoli's naughty show by the way every time you go has a naughty show you should go it's something always interesting i'm doing it next week oh really awesome what is it what day is it i think it's uh or the 11th so it's a week and a half i think it's at the improv usually yeah um but yeah he he did it and everyone else that was there actually said the same thing that was actually pretty good oh

that's good you know who's figuring it figuring it out tom green i saw him in the beginning and it was sort of like a little i don't think he really knew how to like come across not being like you know he's a weird awkward kind of guy but like and now i saw him like maybe two weeks ago and i'm like oh he's gotten a lot better in a year just like that's translating that you know that that weirdness over yeah people don't really appreciate how much time is involved in it have you ever tried to get anybody to do it have you ever tried to talk a friend into it no i i don't i don't think i would do that it's next th Thursday. Thursday, November 11th is the Naughty Show. It's at the Melrose Improv.

And there's a bunch of hookers here, too. Powerful adult porn stars. He always has some really dirty girls there. I did a show last night, and somebody brought a three-year-old baby to the club. Oh, yeah. God damn it. Tell the story, Brian. All right.

So I was in this comedy competition. It's called Uncle Clyde's Comedy Competition at Flappers in Burbank. And my material is pretty much dirty. I mean there's a lot of bad stuff. I'm a noob, so I have to go dirty to be funny. So we get in there, and this is where you bring your own friends, and your friends vote, and everyone votes and stuff like that. People are bringing like 12 friends. I had zero friends.

So you're not going to win this comedy competition when other people bring friends. Unless your friends are all pissed because you suck and they're mad that you brought them there to listen to your nonsense. Right, no one's going to really do that. So we come out and all the comics were all lined up, looking at the audience and stuff, and suddenly you hear this baby's voice go,

I like pickles or something like that. And you're like, what the fuck was that? And I thought it was just some guy making a funny voice until the first comic gets on stage and he starts to cuss, and then this baby screams out. And I was like, oh my god, there's a child in here. It was a three-year-old child having full-on conversations

with the comics at some point, going back and forth. So all the other comics were kind of like, you could tell they were trying to change the material. Why did the club allow this? Who let them in? I have no idea, but the owners were there and they knew the kid was in their audience.

Well, that's ridiculous. They don't know what the fuck they're doing. I thought you told me that those people were comics. They are comics. They've been doing it for a long time. Uncle Clyde's is actually pretty successful. Unless it was Jesus' baby. Right.

Get that fucking baby out of the room. I think what they were maybe thinking, oh, this baby's young enough that it's not going to understand anything. That's ridiculous. Listen, I have a two-and-a-half-year-old. You can't control babies. When they want to yell shit out, they just yell shit out. That's part of being a baby.

My kid took a shit on someone's... We went to a friend's house pool party and took a shit on their deck. We just cleaned it up. That's what happened. No one said anything. They're fucking babies, man. When babies, they just douche.

They don't know. They do crazy shit. I did a gig in Atlanta one time where there was one of those gigs where it's a restaurant then turns into a thing. So I go, I'm not going on stage unless everyone's 18 or old. And they were like, this 11-year-old family just sat down. I'm like, well, why'd you sit down? I'm like, well, I'm going to do it anyway.

And then I'm like, you know how this is going to lead to disaster. They're going to complain. You're going to have to comp their meal. They're like, no. And then that's exactly what happened. They were like, how could you talk like that? And then I'm like, you know. It's not fair to either one of you.

It's not fair to them. It sucks for everyone. No, they don't want to eat a meal like that. They shouldn't have been told that this was going to happen. The worst part was when I got on stage, I made the decision not to just do my set and not edit it and not do anything like that. So I went out and I'm like, sorry.

At the beginning of the thing, I'm like, sorry, child. Cover your ears. And then I went right into a bit about molesting a child. Oh. But I've been practicing for this night for the last couple days i could yeah i'm a molesting child joke's not gonna tell itself right baby it was funny because how many times i was in middles of bits halfway through a bit now it's like all right you don't listen to this kid you know and like i had to keep on referencing the

kid and i was, did you get laughs or was it too fucked up? It was good, but you could tell the audience was all like, dude, I can't believe you're talking about fucking pillows

while there's this kid right here. Right. But what are you supposed to do? You know, I mean, almost like you, you should have come up with a bit like,

what the hell am I supposed to do? I've been practicing for this for weeks. Whose kid is this? I was originally just going to be ridiculously censored like, oh, I'm going to take my pee pee and make love to this.

And just try to change everything. But I've done that once before. And that's hard to do. You can't change on the fly. No. When you edit on the fly. You can't render on the fly. That's one of the reasons why it's the grossest fucking thing ever when someone goes on right before you and purposely steps on your material.

Right. Because when guys do it on purpose, what they're trying to get you to do is edit on the fly. Like, Mencia was famous for that yeah like the best one is the johnny sanchez one johnny sanchez is doing a tv show i forgot what the show is loco slam some shit something loco something with a mexican name and mencia is hosting the fucking thing mencia brings him up before he brings him up he does johnny's closing bit no way of course he does he wants you to eat it he wants you to have to adjust once you go up there he's like playing mind games with every other mexican comedian he wants to be the latino hit you know johnny sanchez we used to crush with that bit

about um the the iranian guy who's mad at someone for parking in a spot you remember that bit yeah yeah i know he's parking in my fucking parking menstilia does the exact bit really parking in my fucking parking he says the same thing the whole deal just crushes the bit just eats the guts out of it and shits it out on stage and then has johnny sanchez go on i was uh on man cow last week and uh he brought it up he brought the video the the mencia you video because i was at the end of it and you know we were talking about it and he said you know he just brought it i haven't talked about it in so long and i was so stupid and weird yeah so stupid that was the best thing that ever happened to me to get out of that comedy store

you know i was you i got used to being in that place i got used to thinking that that was where comedy was at and i was bringing that comedy and bringing it everywhere else. That no crowd control comedy, loud shitheads, hecklers, rudeness. You don't realize that comedy doesn't have to be like that. That was a big move for me to get out of that room. Get out of that room

and start doing the Melrose Improv, start doing all these other clubs. They're nice. They really are. It's much better to me. Yeah. It was better to just get outside of the negativity of that place. Some parts about that place were fun.

The darkness of it, the fact that it had been the same for like three, four, five decades. But there was parts of that place where it was just like, this is just too much. This ain't good for you. You're still there all the time. I go there a lot. Yeah. Well, when I'm in town, yeah, I do. It's the best hang.

No better hang. No better hang. That parking lot area? But that's what I'm saying. Now it's like there's a newer... When I go there, I know less than 50% of the people. Really? Yeah.

It feels weird that now I'm one of the older guys. The old guys. Yeah. You're Dom Herrera Jr. You were talking about Dom Herrera. One of his fucking bigger fishes. Dom Herrera was one of those guys when I first came here. I was like, holy shit, it's Dom Herrera Jr. You were talking about Dom Herrera. One of his fucking bigger fishes. Dom Herrera was one of those guys when I first came here. I was like, holy shit, it's Dom Herrera.

Yeah. I can't believe it. I know. I felt that way when I got there, too. That place, man. And then you see Dom Herrera all the time. Now it's like, hey, Dom. Hey, what's up, Dom?

Have you ever seen Fritz Coleman do comedy? Oh, no, I have. I never do comedy. I have. Yeah, he used to be a regular at at the comedy store and still stops in once in a while when someone died one time uh a comedian died he came to the comedy store with the abc van or whatever channel he's on and he was talking to me the you know not interviewing me but it was something paulie was there and then he goes do you want to see something funny and he brought me inside and showed me his headshot and i I was like, you're a fucking comedian? He's like, yeah.

I see you coming here all the time. Wow. Fucking Fritz Coleman. You saw him do stand-up? Yeah, I saw him. What was it like? Do you remember? It's like, you know, real nice guy.

Hi. Hey, where are you? Hi. Oh, ha. Alrighty then. Yeah. Just nice guy. He's better off doing what he's doing.

It's a win for everyone. Yeah, the guys that quit, they should quit. They want to quit. Some guys just get into it because they want to get into it, and then they're into it, and then they're like, okay, well, I guess I'm doing comedy now, and something else comes along, and they'll just stop. They'll just stop doing comedy.

It weeds itself out. And then there's some guys like Tim Allen that were good. Tim Allen was a good comic, man man he was funny back in the day when he was talking about prison stuff and things like that you know even all that fucking tool shit all that man oh oh oh he does all that stuff about fucking tools and shit oh yeah it was funny stuff man it was good stuff yeah you know but he got that tv show man and just stopped just stopped doing stand-up totally he's still doing it now though well he took a long ass time off bro

he took a long ass time off because I was at the comedy store one of his return flights when he started that's a weird thing when you haven't seen a guy on stage in like 10 years and they haven't done comedy

in like 10 years and then all of a sudden they start to do it again and they're famous as fuck that sucks but they're like a rookie like he was like a rookie again I know.

You lose that timing. You lose that feel for being on stage. You lose that confidence. It's a whole different muscle. It's totally different, man. To this day, if I take more than two weeks off, I feel weird. I have to go on stage. Otherwise, I don't feel like I could do a show.

I'm not familiar with my material enough. I think the longest I took off one time was a month. Really? And it sucked. The first four sets after were just horrific. It takes me, well. It's like I TiVo'd my own set. I was like minutes behind myself.

Yeah, timing's off. Yeah, people were laughing. They would stop laughing. They would start. It was awful. Do you record yourself? I do once in a while when I'm like, okay, I know tonight I'm going to do 15 minutes of decently new stuff that I want to try to remember, I'll record myself.

I record myself all the time for two reasons. One, because you never know when you're going to say something interesting and you'll try to get some new bit out of it. And two, because when I haven't done comedy for a while, I just listen to recordings and it all comes back to me. Oh, that's good. Yeah, for the timing. Because when I listen with headphones on and I'll listen and I'll start writing things down and as I'm writing them down, I'll just sort of remember each bit. Because sometimes there's a whole chunk that I forget. and I'll listen and I'll start writing things down. And as I'm writing them down, I'll just sort of remember each bit. Because sometimes there's a whole chunk that I forget.

When you're doing an hour and 20 minutes of material, it's like, well, do you still do that thing about the fire in San Francisco? Oh, I fucking forgot. Sometimes I'll do like an hour and a half and I'll leave out a critical bit. And then I'll get off stage and I'll go, I fucking forgot to do that bit. See, i'm still at the point where i i will headline i usually go out twice a month and but there are there are times where a month or two without when i'm shooting something and then i'll be doing sets of the comedy story in between and then i go back out and i'm like shit what was there was there's a lot more to this and then because you know when you have that hour and then you start going 15 minute spots

again you just start editing stuff out and then you forget to put the shit back in when you go back out. You're like, oh, there was a whole other fucking three minutes to that joke that I completely forgot about. Yeah, and that's another thing that sucks about fucking heckles is when someone starts heckling you,

you lose your train of thought. Yeah, you lose 90% of what the fuck you're saying. And then you start over at a different level that you were at. Yeah. Like a wavelength, different wavelength. Totally different wavelength. What you were telling us before uh we even started this podcast about last night at the comic store there's another example we were talking

about how that place like if you go to the melrose improv someone's yelling out there's gonna be a guy come over and he's gonna put his hand on your shoulder and he's gonna say hey man cut the shit we're gonna kick you out of here you can't be yelling shit out and if you do i saw any dick kicked out of the melrose really yeah that's amazing one of your shows and he was heckling you wasn't heckling me he was heckling somebody else before i ever got there that's funny before i ever got on stage you got kicked out this was back when he was boozing it up though that's right yeah last night it was just i got told that there was a entire the whole audience was different tables from different countries and i was fine with that i got on fucking lady just these four ladies from new zealand just wouldn't shut up i kept asking

me quiet then one of them threw i told him shut the fuck up then one of them threw something at me and then i just went i went crazy they threw like a napkin but i didn't know what it was even if you don't say something to the napkin a glass is coming next that's my fucking mindset so then i lost i called them fat pigs. And it was just hard. But it took them like 20 minutes to get kicked out of the fucking club. And I love everyone that works there. It's just like there's a negotiation first. There were guys like Harris.

We were talking about Miserable. Harris would have hogtied this chick in the beginning. First word out of her mouth and thrown her downstairs by her face. But now there's like a negotiation. Yeah. Well, get the fuck out of here. Where is Harris? Have you talked to him?

I think he's in Montana. Didn't he have a bad motorcycle accident? He did. He had a really bad motorcycle accident. Dude, I used to talk to that guy about motorcycles. He would make it attractive. He would talk about motorcycles, how great it is. I'm going to ride across the country.

I go up here with this guy, and we drive down together, and we ride. I'm like, oh. Me and Steve Simone went to visit him in the hospital after that and I swear to God there was a hooker in his room. Nice. We walk in and she was like dressed up business style. They were both sitting on the bed. Obviously he's on the bed, but she's sitting on the bed right there and as soon as me and Steve knock on the door

we pop in and he's like, she straightened herself up and he's like, oh, this is so-and-so from the healthcare unit. I'm like, no fucking healthcare lady sits laying on the bed with you. Laying on, no fucking health care lady sits laying on the bed with you. Laying on the bed? Yeah, but together on the bed. Really?

If you're taking your report, you stand next to the fucking bed. Why didn't he lock the door? I don't know. Maybe you can't. Maybe the people have to come in and out. What a wild chance. Maybe he just wants to see if he can get caught. I would have loved it.

Maybe he just wants... What would have happened if Harrison Dennis Dick sucked? I would have sat there and fucking just been like, go for it. Would you back up or would you watch? Watch the whole thing. Because then you'd kill his boner, bro. Dude. Unless he's a real freak.

I won't make eye contact with him. Just stare right at his boner. I'll just pull myself around the corner of the fucking curtain. Trust me. Everyone's going to get off. What was his injuries? He scraped. I think he broke something on either

an arm or a leg, but then it was just scrapes. Did he get hit or what happened? I think it was raining. He was going a little too fast on the highway. Yeah, he wiped. He didn't get hit. Did you see Richie? Have you seen Richie? I saw Richie. Richie got hit bad. Yeah, our friend Richie, who used to be one of the managers of the comedy store, got T-barred.

A girl ran a light, went right in front of him. He slammed into the car. He didn't have time to stop. He was going 35 miles an hour and just smashed a bunch of shit in his leg, in his arm, in his hand, his wrist. He's got plates in his leg, yeah. It was all screwed together and skin graft.

He's another one, man. He used to make it sound attractive. Oh, you pay attention. You're going to be fine. We would talk about bikes because there was a one point in time where I took motorcycle safety classes and I was really thinking about getting a bike yeah yeah i ran into alonzo bowden the other day too broken hand from a motorcycle really yeah i can't get it to heal they're gonna have to put pins in it because it broke in so many different places they were trying

to get it to heal but it won't heal what's best i mean months yeah what's best case scenario like you just best case scenario is you fall down and you don't get hurt too bad yeah best case you're gonna fall i knew three dudes that had things happen to them. My friend Edison, he crashed his bike, fucked up his shoulder. Another dude, Frank Mir, the UFC guy, got hit by a car. On a motorcycle? On a motorcycle. Shattered his femur.

He was fucked for a whole year. He was the champ at the time, I believe. I think he was. So he shattered his femur. He was fucked for over a year over a year he was never the same guy again and then a friend of mine saw a dude get hit by a car too when he was on a motorcycle saw a guy got hit it was someone not paying attention at a red light fucking guy was parked on his bike and this dude just plows into him sense the guy flying over

the handlebars that's the worst i i couldn't do it too scary but damn in colorado it looks so fucking attractive in colorado in new york when i'm like we just park fucking you have a little vespas thing i know it's crazy but i that i see it i'm like i can do that no way just zipping around louis ck got hit by a car in new york when he was on a bike did he really yeah he got nailed oh my god yeah yeah he he he got knocked unconscious i think i think like um i think he got hurt but he was okay like it's one of those things where he got jacked he went to the hospital and then after they got him out of the hospital he was okay i remember when he was riding that thing man motorcycles to me have always been like so

attractive i see them like oh look at that i love fucking jet skis balls when i'm on a jet ski never been on one. I've always wanted one. Dude, it's addicting. If you like it, it's just freedom. You're in the middle of the water. You're like, I want to fucking be right there. You're over there.

Don't you feel like when I did it in Hawaii. You don't have to ask anyone. Don't you feel like sharks are going to come get you? You have to keep going fast. I did it in Lake Havasu and just horrible. Yeah, I've never done it in the ocean. Dude, I did it in Hawaii and I did it stoned as fuck. And you're just waiting to...

And you're just an appetizer. I have never ridden one of those things before. I was going full clip constantly. And I wiped out. And when I wiped out, man, I was in the water. And then it just hit me like, I am way out here. I'm way, way, way, way, way out here. I mean, there's no way I'm swimming to shore.

I've got to swim over to this fucking bike and get back on it because otherwise i'm dead you're gonna get eaten i'm thinking there might be something coming at me right now swimming really fast joe when you go in the water do you wear beach shoes beach shoes what are those like the little sandals that you put on oh yeah step on stuff no i've never seen those before people wear those in the water they look like rubber socks yeah oh i have seen those before. People wear those in the water. They look like rubber socks. Oh, I have seen those. No, I never knew what they were though. I always assumed those had something to do with skiing or surfing or something.

I think you meant step on jellyfish and shit like that. Dude, I've never been surfing, but I did go boogie boarding in Hawaii. And I understand. I mean, I don't understand surfing. I'm not saying that it's the same. But I understand the thrill of riding a wave. It's fun as fuck man i can only imagine how dope it must be to actually get on a wave and ride that bitch in but that said a dude in santa barbara just last week got killed by a shark santa barbara yeah just last week and it's rare for sharks to be in that water

because it's like they they don't know if it's a really big one if it's a great white it's really rare because they're not supposed to be in that water they're supposed to be in colder water like San Francisco San Francisco it's like a real problem yeah

like there was actually there was a video in Cape Cod this year there's a bunch of them that are breeding in Cape Cod they have all this

video footage from the sky from helicopters seeing these giant fucking great whites breeding fuck all that getting in the water shit. I don't care how cool surfing is.

I like wave pools. Dude, shark week is the closest I do to that. Yeah. I got really hot. And watch the fucking did you see the flying sharks now they have? The ones that come out of the water 12 fucking feet in the air. And they time the what are those?

The sea fucking walruses, whatever? Did they time them this way, and they come straight up? And smash them. And just smash them right out of the water, and they're up 12 feet in the fucking air, flapping. I didn't see that. And then back in.

Jack them and smash them. Crazy. What an amazing creature that nature has created. This giant thing that can't even stop. It has to stay swimming swimming or it'll drown. And all it wants to do is eat. And it's retarded. It has no brain at all.

It just wants to eat. Like killer whales fuck great white shark all the time. Really? It's not even a competition. Like great white sharks will be around killer whales. And killer whales will just attack them and murder them. They'll just find one and just pick one off. Attack them and murder them.

Rip them in half. First of all, killer whales are big. They're murder them. They'll just find one and just pick one off. Attack them and murder them. Rip them in half. First of all, killer whales are big. They're really big. And they're super smart. They're like dolphin smart. So they just fuck them up. There's an awesome video online of a killer whale killing a great white shark and showing it off to these people after he kills it. They don't fuck around, dude.

He was showing it off? Yeah. They show it off to people. They like people. They think people are cool. They save people all the time. When people fall in the water, killer whales will save people. Really? Yeah, many, many instances of it.

They'll take people that fell off their boats and carry them back to their boat. That's great. How weird is that? They don't even want to eat us. They eat dolphins. Yeah. Killer whales fuck up dolphins, because dolphins are their competition. Even though they're The same species

Basically they're Cousins of dolphins But they'll save people What a trip huh Crazy If dolphins Didn't exist If like killer whales

Didn't exist Could you What a Fuck Bigfoot What a Fantastic animal A killer whale Would be if it didn't exist

Imagine if someone Told you There's an animal And it lives in the ocean But it's not really a fish It breathes air But it lives in the water animal a killer whale would be if it didn't exist imagine if someone told you there's an animal and it lives in the ocean but it's not really a fish it breathes air but it lives in the water and it comes up every now and then for air and they're super smart smart like a dog like you can train them and they'll do stuff for you and they're loyal and they'll save you and they're giant and they have huge fucking teeth and they kill sharks and they have a language and you hear them talking

to each other they'd be like shut the fuck up and pass the reefer. You're making up some nonsense. In contrast, how boring is Bigfoot? What the fuck does Bigfoot do? Yeah, it's just another monkey. He doesn't do anything. He doesn't kill people. They don't find huts that Bigfoot built.

They're like, whoa, he's smart. He hasn't dated Britney Spears or anything like that. He needs to fucking cause some controversy, Bigfoot bigfoot is like so out of the loop people will find bigfoot i still though if i found him if i was uh if there was a special that was on television and they found bigfoot i'd be fucking drilled riveted drilled into my chair riveted to this this action yeah if they was like cnn right now like they found bigfoot would be like shut it down everyone fucking go to the computer and watch. Could you fucking imagine that?

They should make a Bigfoot movie where Bigfoot's actually a chick, but she's really nice and hot. Like, you know, just a little bit hairy. And then the guy like starts dating Bigfoot. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, you should be a movie producer. I want to give you all my money. That's it.

I think you've got some brilliant ideas, Brian. You might have a real talent for this. It'd be like Megan Fox but her whole body had like a six o'clock shadow. You know what I mean? Like she has like

that little hair tent and you have to constantly shave her. Dude, werewolf on a plane. That's what I got out of this podcast. Don't steal that, you fucks. Is anybody out there?

Bastards. Werewolf on a plane and it just lands. What's the date? The 28th or 27th? It's the 28th. It's like Trigger Treat. This shit is documented, son.

Trigger Treat is this weekend, man. Yeah, well, some places actually have it Thursdays because they don't like to have it on weekends because they want kids to have to wake up the next morning and go to school so they don't go crazy the whole night. Oh, really? So a lot of places have it actually on Thursdays. Whatever happened to kids just finding out what it's like to not get much sleep? How about that?

You know what I'm saying? Will we be protecting them? Oh, we want to make sure you get a solid eight hours there, fella. Why? I don't. Yeah. What the fuck? You got to let them know.

Oh, it sucks when you don't get eight hours sleep. You go to school and you're stupid. You should know that. That's an important lesson. It's better to learn that shit when you're doing math in the ninth grade than it is to learn it when you have a fucking job and you're 27 and you fuck up and lose your job because your performance sucks because you're not getting any sleep.

God damn it. That's my message. I've got a message. My message is stop nerfing the world. Let those fucking kids get nutty. Let them do whatever the fuck they want to do. The Who said it right. The kids are all right. wasn't it the who said that i don't know i've never heard uh who said that the kids are all right yeah that's is that the who is that the who fucking weak ass bitch what do you got for me brian i gotta close this bitch out

you got something good yeah by the way what was the name name? Or what was? Oh, Dee Antwoord? No, Dee Antwoord used to be another band. And that was the song that we were playing last week that everybody kept asking about on the podcast. You Talk Too Loud, Max Normal. Yeah, you can find it on YouTube. It's not a video, but it's just a song with a song. Let's play it on the way out, Brian. Fuck it.

Play it on the way out. Max Normal. Your internet's too jacked up to go on YouTube right now. But here's a... This internet is so sad. Yeah. It's the cable. Cable goes out in and out all day.

I've been finding that lately. I've been people been asking, why is your Ustream podcast cut out? That's why I keep cutting out. It actually seems to be up right now, though, Brian. What do you got here? This is LCD sound system. It better not be as gay as that shit you were playing yesterday. Hey, thanks to the podcast, or thanks rather to the Fleshlight for sponsoring the podcast.

Thanks to my pal Steve Renazzisi. Thank you very much for having me. Old school comedy dog. Road dog. My man, we've been in the trenches together. That's right. Back in the day, bitches. Next week, I am at Cap City Comedy Club with Joey Coco Diaz.

A rare, rare event. I smuggled Coco to Texas. No warrants in Texas, so he's going to be good. I can't take him to Canada. I may be filming my next Comedy Central special in April. I'm not saying. Lots of bringing Lil' Esther to the Austin shows. I'm bringing Brian's little pal, Lil' Esther.

They're going to sleep together in one room with two beds. Nice. One leg on the floor at all times. If you've never been to Cap City Comedy Club, it's one of the best fucking comedy clubs in the country. It is. Austin's one of the best cities in the country. I can't wait. Steve Renizzisi, where are you at this week?

Next week, I'm at Governor's. Governor's in Long Island. That's right. I best cities in the country. I can't wait. Steve Renazzisi, where are you at this week? Next week I'm at Governor's. Governor's in Long Island. That's right. Levittown. Yes. Fuck yes, son. Old school. Going home.

That's a real place. Yeah. That's a real goddamn club. Governor's is awesome. What night's are you there? November 5th and 6th. Which is Friday and Saturday? Friday and Saturday.

Friday and Saturday. Two shows? Two shows, 7, 30, and 10. Go see Steve Renazzisi. He's a hilarious stand-up comedian as well as a good guy. He's also on that show, The League, which is on FX. What night? Thursday night.

Tonight. Halloween special. I'm watching it. Thank you everybody for tuning in. Next week, supposedly, we're going to have Bobby Lee on the show. It's going to be a weekly gag like Matt Damon. He's trying. I appreciate Bobby. He's a flake just like me. All right, that's it.

We'll see you guys next week, and see you in Austin. And as always, love you, bitches. See ya. Outro Music What you believe Or the disco infiltrator will leave Oh stupid bee Oh stupid bee But still we want it Oh stop We can't shake the waste

Stop You got to shake the waste Stop Stop! You got the shape to waste. Stop! What you been told is what you're told. It's the disco infiltrator gone cold. Oh, stupid you. I been told the truth.

But you don't want it. Now! Stop!