The Joe Rogan Experience - #527 - Ms. Pat

Episode Date: July 29, 2014

Ms. Pat is a stand-up comedienne.

music don't don't fuck with nick diaz's voice today very big special have some respect experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day thank you don't want to fuck with his voice he just signed to fight anderson silva oh miss pat now if i did not have you on this podcast i would have never heard the end of it jesus fucking christ i don't know what you've done those other podcasts but all but all I keep hearing is, dude, you got to get Miss Pat. You got to get Miss Pat. Like more than any recent comedian I could think of in like the past two years. People have been trying to get you.

What's going on? I don't know. What's that about? What are you doing to these people? Watch your white guys like a big old black lady. I guess they think I'm their nanny and shit. Well, what I keep hearing is a comparison to you and my favorite person ever, Joey Diaz. Everybody keeps saying that you're a female Joey Diaz, which is, there's no better description for a comedian that exists in my estimation.

Well, that's true. I mean, we shaped alike. Both our daddy left us, so we're similar, yeah. And you both don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck about shit. Life is too short to give a fuck. It is too short. I got four kids and two abortions you both don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck about shit. Life is too short to give a fuck. It is too short. I got four kids and two abortions.

I don't give a fuck. Wow. You can't keep them all. Yeah, you can't keep them all. There's times to do things and times not. Exactly. Abortions is a hot topic. That's a fucking, it takes the air out of the room.

Did you feel that? Did that scare you guys? Not you guys. She said it to abortion. Y'all spoken reefer early. Hey, how dare you? How dare you implicate us in illegal drug use? Hey, I'm going to have all the soccer moms writing me, how dare you, bitch?

That was 20 years ago. Call Jesus. Don't call me. Leave me the fuck alone. They wouldn't say how dare you. If you were white, they might. A lot of those Republican soccer moms that are really anti-abortion. Yeah.

You never see black people outside of abortion clinics. They be like, girlfriend, I feel you. I feel you. My appointment next week, bitch. There's a weird vacancy in their eyes if you ever go to or watch a documentary on those people. I've seen those people. There was a Planned Parenthood, I think it was, in Boston. And I've seen those people. If you, there was a planned parenthood, I think it was in Boston.

And I remember seeing these people outside of it and they would, when you would drive by and they would hold up pictures of like dead babies and stuff like hold up, like they harass women as they're going in. They like show them these pictures. When they come out, nobody is out there. Yeah.

Have you noticed that everybody's gone? Yeah. Why is that? I don't fucking know they probably know when the time when the arrival nobody was out there when i went no i went they're not gonna protest in the head they don't give a fuck about those babies you don't have to you don't have that problem you just have a problem getting the daddy they drop you off because he don't want to be a part of it abortion's

tricky subject man you know because it's like at what point in time should it be okay like everybody i think it's your choice absolutely this is i was i always say this is my pussy i do what i want that's what i say to it too but nobody listens you don't even believe me yeah i mean this is you can do whatever you want who is congress to tell you what to do with yourself yeah no no one can tell you yeah because once you have it and you can't take i had two kids when i was 15 what the fuck was you doing congress you had two kids by the time you were 15 yes wow that's crazy two kids wow i didn't have a fucking childhood that is incredible that's incredible i don't know how I made it. It was incredible. Wow.

Well, you obviously made it. You're okay. You're funny. Yeah, but I went through a lot of shit to get funny. Jesus Christ. It wasn't funny when I was having them. Yeah, I can only imagine. How old were you when you had your first kid? I was 14 when I had my first kid by

a married man. Whoa. Boy. I met him when I had my first kid by a married man. Whoa, boy. I met him when I was 12 and he was 22. Whoa. So we started dating. I was in elementary school. Oh my God, 12. I had a really nice body. I was fuckable.

I might not be fuckable today, Joe, but I was fuckable back then. When did you start fucking? 12. He was the first one. He was the first one. Wow. He was the first one.

You got a baby with him. And you had a baby when you were 14. Wow. Two babies. And then I got pregnant again and gave birth when I was 15. Oh, my goodness. Wow. That is a crazy.

You never met a teenage mom? Oh, I've met teenage moms, yeah. Well, I'm an old teenage mom now. I used never met a teenage mom? Oh, I've met teenage moms, yeah. Well, I'm an old teenage mom now. I used to be a teenage mom. It's hard for someone who has children, especially someone who has daughters. I got two daughters, too. They didn't have any kids.

They didn't have the life. I didn't play that shit. What do they feel like when they hear your story? That's got to be hard. I mean, I guess you'd have to ask them but that that's has to be crazy to hear that your mom went through that well my daughter was there you know she was there because i i mean i got pregnant at 14 and i had a brother then i couldn't get a job i started selling drugs so she was there through everything i mean i think i'm her hero wow so she after i got married and i straightened everything out you know she had a better life but you know that's one of those situations where people that

have that attitude like that everybody on welfare is just just lazy like that people don't need to help they need to pull themselves up by the bootstraps. Like stories like that. Man, you got to shut the fuck up. What is statistics? Let me tell you something. When you when you deal and when you like I grew up in the ghetto, my mom was on welfare. Her mom was on welfare. So people I tell a story about welfare is like diabetes.

If the mama get it as a good chance, the daughter might get it. So you teach us. I mean, she taught me how to do this shit. And I just said, I don't, I don't want my daughter to go through this bullshit. I don't want my daughter to be a teenage mom and, you know, drop out of high school. My daughter is the first one to graduate high school in three generations and the first one to ever go to college in my family. Wow. So I was determined you are not going to end up like I ended up. That's beautiful. That's amazing. That to me is the greatest form of

success ever. If you can learn from your own mistakes, impart your life's wisdom on your children, and then your children go on to take the ball and carry it and run it further and do what you just said, become the first person to go to college, become the first person to graduate high school in many generations. That's beautiful. Yeah. That's an amazing thing. Congratulations. Well, thank you. I mean, I worked hard for that shit because, I mean, I didn't graduate. Nobody else.

I had nobody to look up to. I just know. I was like, my daughter would not go through this bullshit that I went through in life. And I had a son, too. So he graduated, too. Wow. But nobody else. I mean, I had a niece because I had cussed out my sister four kids.

So her oldest daughter graduated because they're the same age right after my daughter did. But Nobody else. I mean, I had a niece because I had my sister, four kids. So her oldest daughter graduate because they're the same age right after my daughter did. But nobody else. Everybody just keep having babies and dropping out. It's a fucking what do you call it? Epidemic. Yeah. You know, it's just keep passing it down. Yeah. Yeah. It's there's definitely kids. Everybody learns from their atmosphere. That's why I always tell people, if you can, surround yourself with people that are trying to get their shit together. And it will help you get your shit together because you force yourself to the standard of the people that you're around.

If you're around a bunch of people that are real friendly, you're more likely to be friendly. If you're around a bunch of people that will go out of their way to help people, you're more likely to go out of their way to help people. And that's what I did. I started to surround myself. I said, for me to do better, I need somebody I can learn from because I didn't learn shit from my mama. My mama stayed drunk all the time and, you know, I was raised in a bootleg house, so all I saw was

drunk people, just bullshit all my life. So I started to pick my girlfriends. If you didn't have a college degree or high school diploma, you couldn't be my if you didn't have a college degree a high school diploma you couldn't be my fucking friend because i have a bunch of stupid ass relatives i needed somebody i can learn from you know just to put a correct sentence together all that bullshit because i dropped out of school in eighth grade so i needed to surround myself around better people so all my girlfriends got college degrees and you know they they married they you know that's amazing though

that you figured that out like how old were you when you decided to have these like really high standards um probably about 17 because probably about 17 when things were winding down from being in a bad relationship with my kid's father because you know i i started dating him and i i think what i was looking for was just somebody to love me because I didn't have a fucking father. So I think I was just saying, I need somebody to love me. So I get involved with this guy who can become very abusive, who shoots me, who beats me. And then I'm thinking, you know, because I was taught this. My mama said, if a man don't hit you, he don't love you.

She said that? Fuck yeah. And he hit me with a roller skate one night. Why is that funny? This is like the worst advice i've ever well my mama gave me a lot of up advice that i realized now that was up advice but it was passed down to her wow so she was like if a man don't hit you he don't love you so my baby daddy hit me with a roller skate one night because it's full love the roller skate and that skate shook my skull and i said to myself this love

i can do without it i bought up my fist and i said to myself this love bitch i can do without it i bought up my fist and i knocked that motherfucker in the back seat and i started to fight back from that day on he hit you with a roller skate he hit me he shot me in the back of the head he hit me with a bunch of shit what did he shoot you with a 38 jesus christ where did it hit you and it just it cracked the back of my skull that's's it? It just grazed you? No, it went in a good little bit, but it was fucked up. Because they was like, I can't believe you're not dead. So I was in the hospital.

I get better, and I call him. It's like, oh, you love me. Come get me. That's how fucking stupid I was. He wasn't in jail? You didn't call the cops on him? No, I wouldn't tell. I was in love. Because my mama said, if I'm over, because I'll slap you a couple times, he don't love you.

Oh, my God. So if he shoot you Oh my god That's real fucking love Jesus Christ He was trying to kill you Well he say he wasn't Oh he's just that good at aim You know how fucking good at aim

You have to be To shoot someone in the head And not kill And I was 15 Oh my god He shot you in the head When you were 15 Holy shit

Then I turn around And get shot again In the titty What? This is getting romantic Who shot you Who shot you in the head when you were 15. Holy shit. Then I turned around and got shot again in the titty. What? This is getting romantic. Who shot you in the breast? A fucking fool in a drive-by. Blew my nipple off. Oh, my God.

Where were you sitting when this happened? No, we was arguing. We had an argument. So I put my piss in his face because I was a drug deal. I was like, get the fuck out of here before I shoot you but i'm just 15 with a gun i didn't know you wasn't supposed to pull a gun unless you're gonna shoot a motherfucker so he come back with a 45 and started fucking pop pop pop pop so i started running and one of the 45s hit me up under the arm and blew my whole fucking titty apart oh my goodness it was like stepping on a lime. And you were 15?

Yeah. And you were 15 with two kids and you got shot in the titty. My daughter was with me when he shot me. She sure was. She was with me. And when they came to get me, she was like, the police like, well, what happened, rabbit? Because that was my drug dealer name. And I didn't really want to tell because I was like, we're going to kill this motherfucker. My daughter yelled out, well, monk shot my mom.

My mama put a pistol in monk's face, so he came back and shot i'm like shut the fuck up you're gonna get me arrested wow oh my god and that you're 15 and how old was your daughter then she was two yeah wow you know she's two she doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about she's she knew everything she knew every fucking thing she still. She still remembers to this day. That is an insane environment to grow up in. It was. Mom's a 15-year-old drug dealer who got shot in the titty. Yeah.

In a drive-by. Yeah. And you saw mom with dope and money like crazy every day. Did you get arrested? Fuck yeah. You always get arrested. Always. Always.

There's no beating it. They wait until you earn enough money so they can take it. Is that what happened? arrested fuck y'all you always get arrested always always there's no beating it they wait till you earn enough money so they can take it is that what happened yeah i did a year in prison for it that was the worst day of my life because i missed my daughter going to kindergarten you can't get that shit back right but i was just trying to survive honestly i was just trying to survive well i couldn't imagine how anybody would function. Just being 14, having to fend for yourself, having kids. Like, what? You can't.

I couldn't get a job. It's hard to fault anybody. Because I was 15 and I needed a work permit. So a lot of times I would just show up on a fucking interview and they was like, where's your work permit? I was like, meet Ashlyn Nykill. I need a fucking job. I got two kids. They was like, you're supposed to be in school.

That's here and there. I got two fucking kids to fend for. So at that time, crack had just hit the black community really hard. So I started to sell crack because everybody was getting on it. Wow. Did you take it? I never did drugs. I grew up watching

my mama as an alcoholic. So everything my mama did, I said I wouldn't do. She smoked cigarettes. She drank. She did whatever. I was like, I'm not going to end up like you motherfuckers. I think y'all stole me. Well, you were the end of the line. You know?

I mean, that's what it looks like. I mean, it looks like you're the one who figured it out. And then you're imparting that onto your kids. But the end of the line. Like, sometimes enough is enough. Enough is enough. Your own genetics were like, stop. Cut let's uh let's reset this whole thing yeah good for you especially when i had kids i was like my kids can't grow around this bullshit how'd you start

doing stand-up um i went to the welfare office and uh to get my food stamps and welfare recertified so you like get a white caseworker and i tell her oh i had such a hard life i've been shot i've been this i've been that and you know white caseworker once i tell these stories in the detail white women they're so easy to make cry so this bitch will give me a few extra bumps and tell me what was going on free so one day i go in and i got this black caseworker so i said oh this bitch is hard because, you know, you think all black people is from the ghetto. So I started telling her these stories and this bitch busts

out laughing. And I was like, what the fuck are you laughing at? She was like, you should be a comedian. This shit is hilarious. You ever heard of Richard Pryor? These are Richard Pryor stories. I didn't come here for no fucking job. I came for free shit. That's hilarious. You didn't want a job. No, I was on welfare.

I mean, at the time, I was trying to get my life back together. So, you know, I'm just home. I had a free house because I had a section there. I had my sister, four kids. So I had a total of six kids and a husband who was working. I was like, you know, this is how I grew up. Motherfucker standing at home watching the Young and the Restless. So you didn't even start to think about doing stand-up until this lady brought that up?

Well, she the first one to kind of put it in my ear, yeah. Wow. I never thought this shit was funny. It was pain. See, I mean, you know, I mean, when I tell these stories, I had to get over them. So you got to forgive. And then you got to, you know, you got to let everything go. So it doesn't bother you

to tell it on stage i can laugh about it now you know people look at me having oh you know sleeping with a married man i'm 12 and he's 22 that's fucking child molestation but how do you deal with it so i deal with it i laugh about it i'm turning all that what you said and i used to be pissed off at this dude because he took my fucking childhood. I mean, think about it. I was a mom at 14. That's crazy. I got a 16-year-old daughter that all she do is fucking play with her iPad.

Just doing what a 16-year-old supposed to do. I never had that opportunity. I never had an opportunity to be a little girl. It's overrated because if it was awesome, you'd be doing that shit right now. Think about it. Everybody's like, I wish I was seven again. I was retarded when I was seven I'd be playing with mutant Ninja Turtles and pretend pretending helicopters are real plastic helicopters. That's stupid. That's stupid shit. I'm glad No, you're not you know, you know, I steal your daughter's childhood No, you're not, Joe.

You don't want nobody to steal your daughter's childhood. I'm only kidding. I'm only kidding. Fucking be drop kicking the shit out of that old nigga. Get your old ass away from here. You ain't getting no pussy. You better fuck this cat. What is it about a guy that would want to do that?

That's what's fucked up. It is. What you were talking about, like the whole patterns, you know, like your family falls into a pattern. I bet they're in the same pattern too. I learned because i'm writing a one-woman show for my for my life and i learned that my daddy got my mama young like that my mama had six kids by the time she was 22 wow so it's just passing it down yeah it's so common that that happens on both sides you know i mean maybe maybe your

husband or the man who gave uh got you pregnant maybe like in his that is not my fucking husband i meant the dude baby dad whatever he was at the time he was never your husband at any point in time no he was married oh that's right well whoever he is i guess facebook friends bet huh i bet you know in his life i bet that was probably common too you know i bet that kind of fucked up behavior was normal well yeah yeah because i mean if you look at it it's child molestation for sure so to me he's a fucking molester you know we learned later on he did other shit but i mean to to fucking 12 year old yeah 22 and to show up at the hospital and sign both kids birth certificate nobody questioned your old ass that's crazy that is the most gross shit out of all of this i cannot look at my kid's birth

certificate because on there i'm 14 and he's 22 and my daughter went to get her birth certificate because she was going on a cruise and she was like oh my god look this is nasty i was like bitch put that away i didn't say bitch but i was like wow yeah it's a sickness it has to be this it's and it's a sickness of the mind and apparently when someone when it gets done to them it's more likely that they're going to do it to somebody else. Yeah. And, you know, he never thought he did anything wrong because I asked him. I was like, you know, I'm in my 40s now. You actually took my childhood and he was like, your mind and body wasn't 12.

What the fuck are you talking about? My mind and body, because I had a big booty that was round and my titties set up like apples. Oh, I had a come fuck me sign on my forehead. Well, that's his way of excusing his behavior. He got horny when he was around you. So he felt like your body and mind. But, you know, when you describe it. See, how is a man supposed to decipher that if he's a dumb dude at 22?

You know, he's not going to decipher that. No, he just wants to fuck. Yeah, that's the problem. And it's such an overwhelming urge unless you have someone around you constantly imparting morals and ethics and growing you the right way we grow up like animals we have instincts you know just animal instincts horny instincts they overcome any idea of guilt or remorse or and so that's his way of rational you know rationalizing it i guess your body and mind weren't 14.

Well, my body truly wasn't 14. I was fine as fuck. But see? I'm not excusing him. I'm not excusing him, but I'm assuming he's a dumb dude, right? He's dumb as fuck. He working at Jiffy Lube's now. Nothing wrong with people working at Jiffy Lube, but I hear you.

It's just, it's hard to get your shit together, you know, but you getting your shit together in your situation, that's more impressive than anybody, any normal person in any other situation. Because your situation sounds so fucking crazy that for you to go full circle from that to being a working professional comedian. Paying taxes. Yeah, the whole deal. Voting. And on top of that, the most important thing, seeing your kids grow up in a working professional comedian. Paying taxes. Yeah, the whole deal. Voting. And on top of that, the most important thing, seeing your kids grow up in a completely different way. A complete.

I tell my kids all the time, you don't know how fucking good you have it. Especially my second, my two by my husband. You know, we live in the suburbs and they don't know shit. They don't hear gunfire. I never had to put drugs in their pampers and haul the dope and sell drugs in front of their schools. I never had to put drugs in their pampers and haul the dope and sell drugs in front of their schools. I never had to do none of that shit to them. So I was like, you don't know how fucking good you got it.

Yeah. A lot of people don't. You know, that's what that old expression you know, that or the old thought rather, that one day there's going to come a point in time when the apocalypse comes and then civilization is going to crumble. The apocalypse is already here. It's just not in

your neighborhood like there's spots in the world where you can go to right now where you might as well be in mad max right there's how about liberia you hear this shit man they're fucking closing the borders of liberia because ebola's breaking out and people who had it they escaped from the hospital these fucking people escaped from quarantine jesus christ they don't know where they're going it's a city of a million people wasn't there somebody here in los angeles that just escaped from the hospital also with some kind of really contagious disease and they were like he has a warrant for his arrest right now because he just left the hospital i don't know google it google did he take the cure with him that was that movie the strain i think you were probably stoned and

you were watching the strain that tv show. That TV show. That FX show. Have you seen The Strain? No. It's a good fucking show, man. I read the book and I didn't like it. I liked it for three quarters of the way, but the last quarter was kind of whack and I decided that that's not enough. You know, three quarters is really good and then one quarter of the book sucks. I can't recommend it.

But as a show, it's awesome. It's really cool. That's just I think that's what They were meant They meant to do When they made The Strain In the first place

They meant to make it As a miniseries And they wrote it as a book But that That's how it takes place It takes place That a disease There's a quarantine

And these people get out And then Then everyone's fucked I don't know What you're talking about. It sounds like the ghetto to me, but I'm just going to listen to you. We're talking about the apocalypse. We're talking about a terrible situation.

Your life, like when you were getting shot in the tit and you were 15, you had your baby with you and your drug deal and all that. If you forced some white woman in her 40s into that situation, she would be... Lose her fucking, she would be in the apocalypse.

That would be the apocalypse for her. I have to sell crack? What? Someone shot my tit off? What? I can't do this. I mean, that would be just like the apocalypse. There'd be no difference.

Yes, it would be. I found it. It was actually in North Hollywood. It was a guy with tuberculosis. Tuberculosis? Is that super contagious? If it gets bad. I think it's something that if you start sneezing,

it's airborne. I think they arrested him. Oh, okay. They could treat tuberculosis, right? That's not scaring me like Ebola. Ebola is a hemorrhagic virus, which means you bleed you bleed everywhere like you put your eyeballs bleed your fucking skin falls apart like ebola is rough business

that's no joke those hemorrhagic viruses when i did that uh sci-fi show uh questions everything the um the real issue with that was like scary on that show was talking about infectious diseases. And they were talking about everybody's worried that there'll be some terrorists and they'll release some anthrax and everybody'll get fucked. They're like, listen, what nature makes, the stuff that nature's making, that is way scarier than any fucking shit that anybody's cooking up in a lab. Because at any given point in time, nature can make some insane virus that no one can fix. At any point in time, these two viruses can interact with each other and create some mutant,

and they're constantly changing and growing, and they're constantly avoiding the attack by antibiotics and antiviral drugs. So they're strengthening and getting stronger and finding new trickier ways to get into people's bodies you scare me can we just stick the gun scared the fuck out of me he scared the fuck out of me one of these dudes was a Russian cat who told me that when the Cold War was going on they had trenches filled with anthrax trenches and I go how many people would that kill he said every person

on the planet every single person i said there's enough anthrax to kill every person he goes absolutely no question about it there's enough anthrax that they had that could kill everybody like what are you talking about how much anthrax is there like it only takes like a little bit to kill you like anthrax is a motherfucker and this idea was that they were gonna figure out some sort of an airborne dispersion method and even the government even tested like there was something i think it was in cleveland i forget the city but they sprayed some shit over this city like phosphorescent like something that they could track they're like essentially what the chemtrail people think is going on, you know, like they

actually did it. And they did it from the top of a building. They sprayed it or something like that because they were trying to figure out how much of a containment period, how much of an area would they have to contain, you know, if a disease got out. That's how goofy people are. They were thinking about, like, actually's so indiscriminately just letting a disease go out a disease like that was an option like a disease that would kill the entire pot not

just the soldiers not just the people that were you know the politicians who are causing the war in the first place no the entire population with a virus a virus and make your fucking eyeballs bleed out i think you just scared the shit out of us we should be scared i think we should be scared you know why i think we should be scared because look if the world was just us we would work everything out you know yeah i couldn't imagine going to war with you miss pat you seem like a very nice person uh i don't think i can whoop your ass but i don't mean it like that i mean you know what i'm saying if there was some if you had a country that you owned and i had a country that i think we could come to some reasonable terms i don't

think it would be an issue but when you see shit like what's going on in israel today you see these you know israel's got they've got all their military troops there and they're everyone's launching rockets and it's just horrifying man you're seeing babies that are dead on the beach these photos anthony bourdain tweeted some photo the other day. It was horrifying. Like, if that can happen over there, that can happen right fucking here. I mean, it's contained while it's over there, and our idea is that, well, if it's out of there,

it's out of our mind. But that shit's going on right now in 2014. And it could just as easily happen in New York or in Pittsburgh or anywhere. Anywhere. Just pick a city. London. That easily happen in New York or in Pittsburgh or anywhere. Anywhere. Just pick a city. London. That can happen in London.

Crazy shit can go down like that any part of the world if you've got enough people that disagree and they're highly armed and they have religious ideas attached to what they're doing. You've got a terrifying situation. That's how we're living right now in 2014. I saw the worst video over the weekend on Facebook. For some reason, Facebook has the worst videos now.

People are posting on their lines. But one is this Israeli family that captured a child from Palestine. And this kid was probably like five or six. And they were teaching their daughter, who is Jewish, I guess, or whatever, Israeli, to beat the kid with a bat and so the kids like currently please stop you know this look five-year-old and it's little six-year-olds hitting it with a bat and she wouldn't she didn't want to hit it hard you know so she's just barely

hitting it and this other kid that's a little older comes up nobody there's no hit him and just like starts punching this little kid in the face because the kids passed yeah yeah they like captured somebody and they're just beating this kid up. Like, the whole family. Like, the kids and everyone. It's awful. Can we go back to the ghetto? Yeah.

Yeah, the ghetto's way better. Eddie Bravo and I, we watched that movie once. What is that fucking movie? It's a Brazilian movie about the ghetto. Oh, Children of God. City of God? Yeah, City of God. City of God. It's a fucking crazy movie. You seen it no god damn miss pat you got to see city of god it's incredible

it's really really really fucking good but it's all about the favelas of brazil and how the violence there is just on a completely different level first of all these houses are essentially like a lot of them are almost like they're camping out. Like, they don't have windows. They don't have running water. They have dirt floors in some of them. You know, like, some of them, they can range in, you know, like, ghetto

to incredibly poor. Like, essentially, you live in the woods. You know, you just have, like, a shelter around. It's not much different than that. And these young kid drug dealers, just unbelievably violent and ruthless. The whole movie is just so crazy. More people die in the first five minutes of that movie than the entire Boys in the Hood.

Damn. Yeah, like quickly. More people die maybe in the first five minutes. But it's a good fucking movie too. And it's based on a real scenario. If you go to the ghettos of brazil like some of the worst poor neighborhoods where there's a lot of drug violence that was what they were scared of when they came to the world cup you know that's really some horrifying shit can

be going down there that's happening right now so there's always somebody that's got it worse that's how fucked up people are this is just a huge range of what we're capable of. You know? So when people see fucked up shit that's going on in the news and they try to pretend it's not happening right now because it's on the other side of the world, it's like, you know. If it's possible right now

somewhere, it's possible here. You know? Just a bunch of things would have to go wrong and it could be just as possible here. Well, let's hope it don't make it here. We just got to figure out a way to get better people to lead the world. It's that simple. It's really that simple. That is the 100% solution for all of it.

Yeah, there's a lot of problems financially. There's a lot of problems in this world as far as politically, the different sides. Like the argument, like, you know, I'm not a Republican by any stretch of the imagination, but I believe in some things that they think make sense. I'm a big Democrat, but I do believe in a lot of stuff that they say. Yeah. Well, I think the Democrats would like socially the attitude of the Democrats better. I think it's a more progressive attitude as far as caring for people and looking out for people and sometimes people point down at that and they say you know the accused people of facilitating the welfare state and they have all these goofy ideas about like what it is that keeps someone in a bad situation like that that's

the number one problem that i have with right-wing people this pull them up by their bootstraps mentality because i'll meet someone like you and i I'll go, what fucking bootstraps? She's fucking 14 years old, and she's got a baby. You telling me that... Two babies. Yeah, well, another one when you're 15. You telling me that she should be pulling herself up by her bootstraps? That's fucking crazy.

I don't know, other than what you did, though, other than what you did personally, where you just realized that fucking enough is enough, you worked hard, you got yourself out of that situation how else you've been through it if you had to engineer the way our society fixes this problem that we have with you got it with me i had to somebody had to make me realize that there was a problem which when i got married i met him when i met my husband he was like people don't live like this and i husband. He was like, people don't live like this. And I was like, what do you mean people don't live like this? He's like, people go out and get a job.

People don't take from other people. People don't sell drugs. So I had to be taught that from my husband. That's crazy. You know, and here I am with 19, I think, at the time and I had to go get a job. How do you go? How do you go into society and get a fucking minimum wage job when you used to making ten thousand dollars a day? As you know when you said sixteen and seventeen years old ten thousand dollars a day. Yes I had a fucking trap out of this world. I mean I don't want to call a trap I don't know what they call it now because I've been gone from the ghetto too long But back then it was called a trap. So when you're selling drugs, like your neighborhood's a trap?

Yeah, you stand on the corner. That's your trap. If that's where you start the crackheads or the junkies to come, then that's where they came. And everybody knew Rabbit was on Fast Street. Oh, Rabbit was on Fast Street. That's our trap. Our thirst trap. We need to start calling our shows traps.

When we do shows, let's call it, yeah, we're going to do a trap this weekend at the ice house. I love that term. They don't use that term anymore because I don't know what you do to sell drugs anymore. If they didn't use it on the wire, people haven't heard it. No, that was that's because it was I think the wire was a little after I started selling. Well, it was probably written by white people, too. But you know what? That show fucking husband loved that show.

And I was like, he was like, you got to see this show. And when I saw it, I said, I don't want to see that fucking shit. I don't want to relive that crap. And I got into it. I, you know, watching the whole fucking, all of it. And he was like, how real is it? Because my husband comes from a background where mama go to church every day and daddy go to work every day. And it was 16 of them, but they wasn't on welfare and daddy and mama provided for them where i didn't have that life you know

right you know his mama didn't play that shit you weren't selling drugs you wasn't running the street you was going to school wow so you know so did he like when when he met you and you said nobody lives like this did he offer suggestions or did you just take you by the hand listen bitch we're gonna straighten this shit out no um pretty much he was just like you know he i think he was he was attracted because i was a go-getter because i was i was i was coming out of selling drugs because people had you know the crack epidemic had slowed down so now the new thing was forging chicks so i was i was into that shit really heavy he was like you hurting these people i don't fucking know these people all i know is bank of america and the check number is high you know he's like you can't do this shit and he just

talked to me and i and i would listen i remember i had a lot of drugs one day and um he was like i like you and i want to date you. He said, but I can't take you home to my mom as a drug dealer. And your name is Rabbit. So I'm thinking this is an opportunity for my kids to have a daddy. And he got all his back teeth and he can read and his shoes clean. And he don't punch a bitch in the eye every Friday. Ching ching. I had to have have him that's hilarious wow so i i went for it so i gave my niece who i taught how to sell drugs all of my drugs so did she work for you or did you just give her

the business well she was young when i got her She was like maybe 10 and they would haul the drugs for me over the years. So, you know, I taught her how to do it and she became a drug dealer. When did she start selling drugs for you? Shit, it was probably 11. Oh, my God. I know people are going to say, oh, you was horrible. We was all fucking kids because their mom was on crack. This is my baby daddy's sister. Their mom was on crack. So my this is my baby daddy's sister their mom

was on crack so i took them in here i am she i think they're 11 and i'm fucking 15 they thinking i'm grown i ain't grown well shit so now i got my two kids and her three kids and we live and i'm taking everybody to school because i sold drugs in front of my daughter my daughter's school so jesus fucking christ this was before the no school no drug school zone signs went up so i was already grandfathered in when that shit got there that's a really serious federal federal offense right if you sell drug yeah close to a school yeah but i was already great them signs wasn't up back in those days so i would drop everybody off at school and everybody knew when they got off they knew what to do with the drugs right wow that is crazy so you just had a whole system going

i had a whole little system going so when you decided you you meet your husband you say you know what all right this dude's great i'm i'm gonna listen to him i'm gonna do whatever i have to do to keep this work and i'll just have her take care of this does she is you are you telling her what to do? Is she an employee? No, no. Or you give her the business? I just give it to her.

I say, you can have the whole trap. I'm going to give this dude a chance. Wow. And it was weird because I had no more money. I couldn't ride around in my flashy Cadillac anymore. Is that what you did? You had a Cadillac? Yeah, because I had a learner's license.

And with a learner's license, you need a licensed driver. So I would hire a crackhead for a day. Different crackheads. Hey, you got a driver's license, you need a fucking, you need a licensed driver. So I would hire a crackhead for a day. Different crackheads. Hey, you got a driver's license? Get in the car. I'm going to supply you a crack every hour. I just need the police pull out your fucking license so I can drive with my learner's license. Holy shit.

That's how I learned how to drive. A crackhead taught me how to drive. That is crazy. So you're driving crackheads around just so that you could drive they that enabled you to do your business yes to drop off dope pick up you would think the crackheads would go this chick is fucking 15 and she's got this crazy they were scared of me get my shit together they were scared of me how did you have your shit together like that at 15? I had to fucking survive.

Just necessity. You know what my husband tell me? He said it has a lot to do with my granddaddy. My granddaddy used to sell, he was a bootleg looker. I mean, bootleg looker. Bootleg house or whatever you call it. So he said, I never saw anybody work in my family. Everybody hustled.

So I guess I got those skills from him. That makes sense. if you grow up seeing something like that you think that's how people are supposed to live and everybody thought i was grown joe nobody knew i was fucking 15 i mean i had two kids and other kids selling drugs for me and everybody was like yes ma'am no ma'am and one day they was like how old are you and i said six they're like you fucking 16 i had like eight cars a learner's license can't drive a fleet of crackheads waiting yes they were like hey hey rapper you want me to drive for you today you want to ride in the car and i was just supplying rocks and they smoked

the rock while i'm riding around with run dmc and whoever was out at the time you know info pumping my music while they smoking crack because I needed a licensed driver in the car. Wow. That is so crazy. Now, how old were you when you got popped? You know what? I had a police officer, Officer Beard. He said, I know you're selling crack, bitch.

He said, but I'm not going to lock you up until you're 17 because when this crack first hit the black community, everybody went to jail at 18. And you went to juvenile at 17. But people just go down there. Your kids get caught with a fucking half a key of cocaine. And you can get them right out of juvenile. Because they didn't really know how to handle the situation. So they changed the age from 18 to 17.

Your ass go to jail at 17 in Georgia. So I had a birthday April 2nd. That fucker had me in jail april the fifth to six some shit like that i had a cousin that in the morning everybody went to school except my cousin so my cousin i would drop her off say hey sell this and i'll be right back i'm gonna park the car so crackhead was like rabbit um the police is up up on the hill on the ground laying down before i could make it back to pick up my cousin, she was like 15. He went down there and fucking arrested her and took her to where she hid the drugs at.

And so it should have worn for me. So I couldn't say it would know he had been on the hill taking pictures all day. I mean, all morning. So that's how I got my first drug charge. So how long did you go away for? Oh, I didn't go away then. I got probation. And then I got my first drug charge so how long did you go away for oh I didn't go away then I got probation and then I got popped again and then I went I was in jail a year so when you got probation did you have any like idea like okay I could get caught for this real easy I gotta get

out of this business no I was like fucking I thought I was fucking aquapon I was untouchable I had money it's like fuck you I was untouchable. I had money. It's like, fuck you. I'll be out in no time. And back then, when you first went to jail, like I told you, they used to give you bonds, but they stopped giving you bonds. So I remember I needed, I had to have a bond hearing. So I had to pay for the judge in Atlanta to have fucking dancers. And he gave me a $2,500 bond.

And I was out that night. To have dancers? What do you mean? Pay for his hoes. What? Whose hoes you what whose hoes the judge you paid for the judge's prostitutes hoes they was dancers he's they was having a party okay so my lawyer was like you got to put in a few extra money he's gonna give you a bond but you got to put in a few extra money so i put in extra money pay for the hoes and they gave me a twenty five thousand dollar bond i called my friend, who I was selling drugs with at the time because we was partners.

Like, come fucking get me. So the judge went and took your money and got prostitutes. Yeah. That's hilarious. I've never seen it, but that's what the lawyer, you know. That's what the lawyer said? Yeah. Damn, you can't verify that.

Can't go forward with this information. It was true. I bet it was. I mean, that's one of those things that Yeah. You can't verify that. Can't go forward with this information. It was true. I bet it was. I mean, that's one of those things that people would know about. Did you hear about that? There's a judge that got caught. Everybody was crooked back then. Oh, my God.

They're still crooked. That's a bad position to put a person in. Do you remember the judge's name? Was it Judge Matthews? No. No. Who's Judge Matthews? He's a great judge.

Who is that? He's one of the celebrity judges. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, there's something about being a judge that I think is an unhealthy position. I don't think anybody should have that kind of power over someone. Like to decide to send someone to jail, to not send someone to jail, send someone to jail for 30 days or 90 days. I just think that kind of power.

I think there should be rules, most certainly. But I think that kind of power, I think there should be rules most certainly, but I think that kind of power bestowed upon a person to make that sort of a decision at their own discretion is just, it's too much. It's too much responsibility. You can't trust someone to be totally ethical and not fucking crazy. And people change too.

They get more crazy as they get older. And they get more crazy with ego, you know. People get nutty. There's a lot of nutty people. They get a little bit of attention, and then they just fucking go off the deep end. Go off the deep end and believe their own bullshit. And if you're a judge, everyone's kissing your ass all day. All day.

But you wear the robes. You come in the honorable. Everybody has to rise when you come into the room. What kind of shit is that? Everybody else has to stand up because you're here, and call you the honorable get the fuck out of here there was a guy they busted recently was using a penis pump while he was while he was presiding over cases he had a penis pump that's awesome how this is walking and he pop up his penis sitting there talking to people and underneath the table he's jerking himself off with a giant tube and a pump and they're like what are

you doing man and they catch home my foot went flat he's just a guy he's just a guy no one deserves to be a judge no one you. You can't be a judge. You can't be the king either, by the way. You can't be a president. That shit was for dumb people that didn't know any better. In 2014, with the information that we have today, we should know. All we need is Google. All we need is let people vote on shit, okay?

Let the entire country vote on every goddamn thing that gets done ever. on shit, okay? Let the entire country vote on every goddamn thing that gets done, ever. You can't have one person that has any oversight or power over everybody else, whether it's a judge or anything. You know? I mean, I don't know how you would do it, as far as, like, cases,

as far as, like, prosecuting people. I don't know how you would do it without a judge, but there's gotta be a better way. You ever been in jail? No. Oh. Oh. It's a horrible thing. The food is horrible when i was a little kid and they closed the cell and they leave you in there for about five seconds i'm a friend in san francisco so every time i go he's like you want to visit accotray i was like look you dumb fuck you don't ask a convicted felon do they want to just voluntarily visit a

fucking old jail no i don't want to visit accotrans i've been to jail before i know what it looked like there's something also about people that go to jail it's a lot like people that have been to war or people that have gotten over some very traumatic event is that they have a certain kind of strength there's a certain kind of strength that a person has when they're the people that decide like i am fucking never going back there like well yeah some people like i got some brothers that've been in and out of jail all their fucking life some people like going back my brother-in-laws do for me when i miss my daughter going to kindergarten from doing a year in jail that totally fucked me up and i you know my by me by me having that lifestyle not really nothing that

i chose but what i went through i did not have a bond with my daughter joe for years and i don't i don't know if you have any kids but when you have a kid that deeply probably hate you for the life that you chose you know to to help her she didn't realize i was doing this shit so i could make better for you you know me missing school and me missing her go to kindergarten and you know me selling drugs and me missing her go to kindergarten and you know me selling drugs and hurting people me my daughter did not have a fucking bond for a long time so when i brought my husband into her life she immediately bond with him but i was always the bad person wow well she probably looked at him as like the savior he was a savior he was a say she

has a bond out of this world. Now we talk every day. And, you know, another thing is when I went to prison, then I got out and I really fucking hate it. And I hate to say this. That's your podcast. It's so fucking big. Hope people don't take it the wrong way. I hated gay women.

Why? I don't know. I could deal with gay men, but I saw so much of that shit in jail. No, I've never been with a woman. Nobody fuck with me because I fought all the gay men But I saw so much other than shit in jail No I've never been with a woman Nobody fuck with me because I fought all the time But I just hated the shit And then when it came into my life My daughter is gay

I was like oh fuck how stupid am I You can't judge people on their sexuality So all during my When I was raising my daughter She always ended up getting a gay fucking cheerleading coach. And I hated this bitch. And my daughter know I hated gay women. But my daughter was gay.

So that's another thing that did not allow her to bond with me. Because she knew my hatreds for gay women. Wow, that's intense. Holy shit. So. Answer me this if you can. What do you think it is about the black community that shuns gay people or shuns like gay marriage because that was like a big issue in california

here they had proposition eight proposition eight is that what it is the bible it's religion yeah you know black people believe no matter what they believe it's a god you know we go into heaven or hell that's just how we taught and i think a lot of that shit come from because our ancestors were slaves and it just i think it just rolled on through the genes but we believe so that's what it is yes but it seems it's so in this style 2014 you know it seems so discriminatory when you see that people are born gay it's just so well you know what i have a door i have a gay daughter that I'm very supportive of, and I don't feel that way anymore.

It's almost like a white dude and his daughter bring home a black dude. I mean, you're either going to get over or fucking jump off of a bridge and realize that you're the person that has the problem, not them. And that's what I had to realize. You know, because these bitches were eating pussy in jail and I didn't like them. Well, these are not the gay people who my daughter is bringing over so now i'm very fucking supportive whatever makes my daughter happy plus you got to remember here i am 15 years old getting fucking dogged out by her daddy beat on shot on fucking knocked around cheated on you

know she just saw so fucking much that i think, you know, fucking like, fuck men. Them niggas ain't right. Yeah. So I think that's part of the issue, too. She say she was born gay. I say in my fucking womb, bitch, the ultrasound, you was not licking anything. So, I mean, do I know? I don't know if she was born gay, but she's gay and I support her decision to be gay.

That's my first boy. And I love the hell out of her. You know, like when she first came out, because when she went to college, she left town because she knew how much I hated gay women. And I ain't see my own fucking child for three years. I would try to contact her. She was out in the world, been homeless. And I was like, what is your fucking problem? What is your problem? I said, if you gay, just say you gay. She said, I'm gay.

I said, well, can you come home, bitch? Cause I miss you. It'd been three fucking years. So, and now we talk every day.

We talk and I love the hell out of my daughter. She got him. I got a wonderful daughter-in-law. They look just like, um, who did I say? She looked like, um,

Paula, Paula, Paula, Paula, Paula, Paula, Who did I say she looked like? Paula Poundstone? No, Paula Poundstone. Robin Thicke. My daughter-in-law looked like Robin Thicke. Paula Poundstone, you're wrong, Joe. You remember her? No, but I've seen her.

She's stand-up. I know who Paula Poundstone is. Yeah. So, you know, I'm a supportive mom now. I mean, I love my daughter. I love my kids to death. I have four of them, you know. And we talked about the shit that I've taken her through from putting the drugs in her underwear to, you know, me dropping out of school.

She was there. But she must feel different about you now i'm her fucking hero now and she's mine i mean because she did something that i never had an opportunity to do she didn't get pregnant in high school she didn't i mean she didn't she you know she went on and graduated when she graduated joe i said i fucking made it i thought it was nothing that you could have killed me that day because you know why none of my cousin kids graduated nobody else my fucking Ashley is walking down this aisle I made it I couldn't stop crying and she's like what are you crying for I was

like if only you knew what I did to get you to this point you broke a fucking cycle that has been going on in my family for three generations i didn't even cry like that when i took her to college but boy when she graduated high school i pick up that diploma once a week and say bitch we made it and a high school diploma ain't worth shit his body's equals to my ged that i got at the house yeah today right yeah even a college diploma it's so hard you hear stories about people getting out of college and looking for a job now it's like it's so confusing it is i mean it's hard i mean i tell my kids all the time i made my money that you could probably ever do doing shit that you really want to do because when you go to college you're going

for you know you don't really know what the fuck you want to do. You want to go and get high and fuck the first year. That's all my daughter. My daughter went to college and I, you know what? I paid for her tuition the whole three years she was there. That's because you would not struggle. Do you know she went to college and ate pussy on my dime? She ate pussy on my dime like crazy. She's trying to find herself.

Yes. In somebody else's self. Losing back teeth and shit. I was like, you got to stop eating Medicaid. Losing back teeth? Yeah, I was like, you got to stop eating Medicaid pussy. You got to eat Blue Cross Blue Shield pussy. You lose your back teeth when you eat pussy? When you eat bad pussy, Joe.

What defines bad pussy? I don't know. I can call my daughter and you can ask her. It's thrush. It's a bacterial infection. Oh, no. It rots your gums. No, it doesn't.

I don't know. But, you know. That is crazy. Wow. That's a hilarious story. It's got to be a nice thing to be where you're at now, though. Yes. I'm happy.

How long have you been doing stand-up? 11 years i've been married 23 wow so so 11 years ago this uh this person at the welfare office tells you you should do stand-up so what do you do from there i go home and i told my husband i was like my caseworker say i'm funny he's like can you sit down and be quiet so i said i'm gonna go to open mic he was like uh go home pat my husband's not the type he's not gonna say don't do it either whatever because i was in the process he my son-in-law saw me go from a drug dealer to forging checks to fucking i got a little vending service at the

georgia dome when michael vick first became our our quarterback so i'm making a ton of money money with inner city kids with a non-profit organization so he saw me go from that and then all of a sudden you want to be a stand-up he's like how many times are you going to change your career i said until i fucking find myself so i get my girlfriend which is a long story short my baby's daddy baby mama lived around the corner from me this is a chick he show up at the hospital after i give birth to his first child whoa so he actually we became best friends i swear we said we raised the kids as cousins because she had a baby by him too so i get her and i was like this caseworker say i'm funny let's go to open mic and i go up there joe and i fucking killed and i'm first time

i told i told a story about my brother was a professional cat burglar but he was fat so he kicked this lady doing one time he's like freeze bitch i'm the fbi give me your tv and your vcr so he stashed the tv and ran out the door because he broken houses every day and that was my first joke that's hilarious and so when you did that did you write any of this shit out or you just i didn't know because i grew up and i started in an urban room so So I started to follow the urban trend. I suck dick. I eat booty.

You know how the black people do this shit. You seen Def Jam. So I kind of fell into that shit. And I was like, I look up and I got that drug dealer mentality. I was like, well, I'm not sticking out. I'm doing everything these motherfuckers doing. And I was like, it's got to be something better here. I'm not growing. I'm making $50 a week. This ain't how the dope gang work because everything is like the dope gang to me.

It must elevate. Right. And so when my husband got a transfer to it was either Detroit, St. Louis or Indianapolis. And I was like, you're not going to kill my kids in those other cities. And he chose I wanted to go to Texas. So he chose Indianapolis. So I walk into a mainstream club at the time, which was Morty's. And I got this urban flair. And they was like, not here, bitches. We don't do roaches jokes. Roaches jokes?

Yeah, roaches. You know how you see a black people. Yeah, you ever had a roach drink out your Kool-Aid? Oh, I get it. Yeah, you know, you know. roaches, you know, and then you got the jokes about the government cheese and shit. So when I moved to Indianapolis, they were like, you can't do that shit here. You know, nobody have fucking roaches. What the fuck are you talking about?

So it forced me to open up to my life that I had, which was way more interesting. Wow. So you were trying to just do what everybody else was doing and then go into this white neighborhood. Going to the white neighborhood when we moved fucked me up. It fucked me. Because I had never been, you know, like. That's a great club to go to. Yeah, it is. Morty's in Indianapolis.

Yeah. It's a great club. I've worked there before. And it was a little black owner at the time. He's in jail for bank robbery now. Bank robbery? He robbed a bank? How long ago did he do this?

Last year with no gun. Just showed him all 32 of his cavities. Get up! So when I got to Indianapolis, I had to change who I was. So I had to find myself. And I just started talking about my life, which was kind of embarrassing. Two kids at 15 dropped out in eighth grade.

You know, you think people are going to fucking. I thought I was the only teenage mom on the world. I thought I was the only bitch. And I am the only one probably missing a nipple that's going to tell. But all this stuff that happened to me, I thought it was just me. Then I learned fucking teenage pregnancy happened in every race. Yeah. that's gonna tell but all this stuff that happened to me i thought it was just me then i learned fucking teenage pregnancy happened in every race yeah well there's a whole show on it yeah what the fuck was that show at when i had my baby you're better off without it you're better off becoming

you and now yeah getting famous you could handle it better yes you know so when i got the indian apple shit change i moved to a white neighborhood and i just started to work on my set so do you do you uh write like material or do you always talk about your life like i write like stuff about being married kids most of my stuff is personal so i you know where everybody gets it you know my life you know being a drug dealer i talk a lot about my mom who was an alcoholic mom who used to give me the worst advice. Like she would say shit like reach for the stars and I hope you hit the sun and burn up. So I thought that shit was true. I told my husband the other day, my mom was so fucking stupid.

She was I'm not going to say she was stupid. She didn't know shit like she couldn't read. So she would force me to read her horoscope but what she didn't know i couldn't read either so i would just make up shit every day i made up bullshit bullshit and she went for it like i would say because she would shoot at us like she told a 22 pilster because she was my mama was a very small lady so she walked around a 22 pilster she just carried it everywhere oh yeah and we're like we wouldn't wash the dish watch them goddamn dishes and we shoot it into the ceiling yes and when it rained it showed so when it rained water would come dripping through the holes that she left by shooting the ceiling why the fuck the ceiling because bitch you don't put 22 of them holes in his ceiling. What the fuck are you talking about? Wow.

Yeah. That's a way to motivate kids, though. And we were scared of her. I bet. We were scared of her. She had a gun. She had a fucking gun. She just never pointed at her. She was like, pow, pow, just shoot a light out.

Wow. So. God damn. But we got used to him. Like, here go mama with this bullshit. Did she ever shoot at you? Mm-mm. Anybody?

She shot at me one time. I was on the phone with my baby daddy. I was on the phone with my baby daddy. She's like, get the fuck off the phone. So my mom was like pre-handicapped because we lived in the project. And the security guard fucking body slammed her and fucked up her spine. Oh, no. If she sat down, she couldn't get back

up so we would have to be there to lift her up so i knew i wanted to talk on the phone my baby dad this time at this time i'm pregnant with my second child so my mama's like get off the phone with that motherfucker he's gonna get you pregnant that's somebody else's husband so i tell my kid's father i was like hold on while i go ahead and lay her down then she was only like 98 pounds so i picked up and i laid her in the bathroom on the floor. And I was like, you stay right there until I get through

talking to my baby daddy. What I didn't know, Joe, is that bitch could crawl. She crawled out that bathroom like military style with that shotgun and shot at my ass. I flew out the door.

She shot at you with a shotgun? With a shotgun. She got it out the closet. She got it. She shot at you with a shotgun because you were on the phone with a man and you put her on the floor. Yeah, I put her on the floor and she couldn't get up.

So I was like, if you don't stop shooting, who the fuck going to get you off the floor? Oh, my God. So how did you guys resolve that? She ran out of bullets. What did she shoot? Did she shoot just holes in your house? Yeah, she would just shoot up anything. We would get evicted.

She didn't give a fuck. You were getting evicted? Because she would, like, you would be watching the TV, and she would tell you to move. She'd blow the motherfucker out if you didn't move. Really? Yeah. How many times did she shoot the TV? Just once.

God. Because we couldn't afford another one. There was only two. One for the kids and one for her. How much material do you think? Like, I would say, if you're going to become a big-name stand stand up comedian, you're going to have to put out a bunch of specials. Right. So if you put out how many specials can you do on your life before you have to start talking about other shit?

Probably four or five. Four or five specials. Because you know what? A lot of stuff that I remember, like it was so at the time, like I can laugh at it now. But back then it was pain. So I didn't get on drugs like my sister did. I didn't. My brother got on drugs to deal with bullshit that we was going through. I just stayed sober and thought he was crazy.

So to get rid of the pain, I just kept putting it in the back of my head. I didn't want to remember it. So when I became a comic, all of this shit started rushing through my brain. And I have to ask my sister, bitch, is this real? I just asked my sister the other day. My granddaddy ran a bootleg house. So in this bootleg house, I had a retarded uncle named Uncle Cecil that was crippled. But my granddaddy would buy him pussy on Friday. But me and my sister would have to go in there with the prostitute and hold his legs back until he get his dick in before we could go outside and play so i called her up and i said is this shit real you're gonna hold his legs back because he's a cripple you know how when they knees knocking so he couldn't he couldn't get it in until we moved his fucking legs back wow i remember one

time i was like hurry up probably eight i was like uncle cecil put it in and stop fucking smiling because he was retarded he smiled oh that's so awful i know it's so fucking often i asked my brother i was like do y'all remember this shit i'm going crazy and all i'm like i called my brother last week and i said my mama used to have this theory she said when when it rains and the sun is shining the devil was beating his wife you ever heard that yes and then she said if it would rain and the lightning and the sun was shining he caught the bitch cheating so she's my mom said you should beat the bitch because she don't believe in god it's the fucking devil what are you talking about you crazy bitch somebody i used to think they stole me joe nobody could be born

into this fucking crazy family he should beat her she doesn't believe in god holy shit and she's shooting at you she's a shoot at us all it was just think thinking the irony in that you know does god want you shooting your fucking kids jesus christ she's like i can't hit you but i can pull a trigger oh my god wow and we were scared of her ass for years we were scared of her well in her defense probably very hard to raise a bunch of kids what happened to her back someone slammed her on her back okay we lived in the project she was the candy lady so she my mama my mama lady candy lady that's when that's the lady in the hood that sell the free freeze pop the candy the cookies to the kids and my mama did it because we was in the projects and that money helped her with her light bills or whatever the

fuck and she used to talk shit to the security guard this is back before the projects were really dangerous so the security guard was like mildred you you cannot sell candy because it's fucking earned income and you're not reporting but he was just fucking with him because my mama talked a lot of crap so she's like oh fuck you security guard you ugly fake whatever she said so he came on he said i'm gonna come whoop your ass and i had to be about probably seven That dude came in there and beat the dog shit. I was into wrestling at the time. He was in there DDTing the shit out of my mama. Before he came in the house, she gave me and my sister the can. She was like, go flush this shit.

He on the way. So we're in the bathroom popping pixie stick like cocaine, eating the shit. He in there whooping her ass. So he hit her up against the wall and fucked her spine up. Whoa. So she sued the housing authority, but she couldn't read, and the fucking lawyer took all the money, and we got put out of the project. Oh. So, oh, that's what, when it damaged her spine, like, she could no longer hold her neck up.

Like, if she be talking, that bitch fall over. So she had to keep us to keep her neck up while she was driving. Oh, my God. One incident with this guy did that yes she was like 90 pounds what happened to him i don't know i was a kid i don't really know i remember going to court and testifying you know you know hard to hear that's so hard i got great jokes about it you know because like like she would do shit she even though her neck was fucked up she was determined to do normal neck people shit like go across the track people shit like go across the

track too fast right and one time she had a 64 chevy that used to bounce and she loved like old music so we're not just bouncing listening to bb king and she gonna beat the train that bitch hit that first track and that neck went back she's like pick my neck up bitch the train coming my sister slapped the shit out of her neck and it went through the 64 stern wheel oh no so i had to jump over the seat and hold her neck up while she drive across the track she pull over you bitches hit me too hard my sister's like bitch the train was coming oh my god you bitches hit me too hard holy shit so she could she could walk and she could use her feet but she just had a bunch of issues i don't know about that she had a boyfriend but i hope she couldn't suck dick because she never called us in now to pick her

neck up is that where you would draw the line i would have went and picked her neck up i helped my cripple uncle fuck it just seems different though it seems like one more level i mean everything went i saw it's nothing that i did not see as a kid murder fuck yeah i tell you before i tell you about i saw more murder when i was a drug dealer that's when i really saw murder but i had a guy that lived in our backyard well we lived in some apartments and this is when hair run and shit came out very popular in the black community so my next door neighbor used to shoot up but my mama used to shoot up too but it was diabetic medication so i would walk out there to y'all walk outside one day on the back porch and i'm sitting there

so he shoot up what i thought was diabetic medication he get butt ass naked joe run over to me bend over and was like rabbit get the rat out of my ass so i'm looking up this dude asked for a rat and i'm like jay has no rat in your ass your diabetes fucking up i was like the rat is hanging in the front so he thought he got naked every weekend nobody said shit and you were telling him it was his diabetes medicine well Well, that's what I thought it was. That is hilarious. That's what I fucking... Your diabetes medicine has you thinking there's a rat up your ass. But it was heroin. I learned...

We learned later that he was shooting heroin. So when he got naked on Friday, we were like, J-Badge is high. He be all right. It was only one day he got naked? No. He got naked every time he shot drugs. How many days a week did he shoot drugs? Shit.

Two, three. So two or three days a week did he shoot drugs? Shit. Two, three. So two or three days a week he was naked on heroin. Some people care. Some people care. Like when he wasn't, you know, he was a fucking, he was an engineer for a living. An engineer, like he designed things? Yes. That's what he did for a living.

He got on heroin. Not like an engineer like running a train. No, not like that. He designed shit. He was like fucking corporate America. He was the shit. But he came to the ghetto and got high and take off. He felt so embarrassed once his high came down.

Wow. And people would just let J-Bo walk around naked. I wonder if that's like his way of releasing all the stress of keeping it all wrapped up tight in corporate america as no he's a shit i think he thinks stuff was crawling on him so he just get naked and dig in his ass and we'll be like oh jay beth just naked he just hides in his ass i before we moved in these before we moved in this set of apartments i would go to the wrestling match every week when we moved in this set of apartments, I would go to the wrestling match every week. When we moved in this set of apartments, I stopped going. Because it was nothing to see people fighting and, you know, motherfuckers out there acting a fool.

It was more interesting to sit on my back porch and it was real. Wow. That is crazy. That has got to be so bizarre. Be that young, you get to pull one guy's legs apart to help you fuck. That's the norm. And then you get another guy that's running around naked and he's on heroin. That was the norm.

When you're in that situation, nothing else seems what you're doing. The right shit is out of place. What I'm doing, this is what I'm used to. That's the weird thing about human beings. They're very adaptable. That's what they're saying about people that live in any country, watch tribal people, and you go, why don't these people don't have any TVs? They don't have any electricity?

They don't even know what that is. This is normal to them. You see people in those villages they find in the Amazon. They don't have any contact with human beings. We feel bad for them. But what are they doing? They're just being people. Being people that figured out how to live there.

And you were a person who figured out how to live in your wild world. My wild world. That was a wild world. It might as well have just been the wild of the Amazon or the wild of the forest or the wild of the city. It's just wild. There's varying degrees, right? Yeah. There's places where shit is just wild,

and where you were living, craziness. So much to make a movie about your life. That's what you should do. You should write a movie, all the best stories, completely, totally factual, completely, totally accurate, insane. That would be a fucking chaotic movie. Yeah, for a 15-year-old girl, wouldn't it? 15-year-old girl to get her tit shot off while she's holding her baby

and dealing drugs, and this guy's running around naked. He's got a rabbit up his ass. You're thinking he's on diabetes medicine. I was naive. Fucking crazy. Oh, that's nothing. Let me tell you more stories. Please do.

Please do. So when I was about, probably about, like I said, I was about 10 or 11, so I had a really nice figure. So I learned. You were 10, you had a nice figure? I was fucking, was in third grade, honestly. Wow. Are you sure?

Yes. Do you have pictures? No. So how do you know? I remember everybody used to say I was fine, and I didn't know what fine was. Wow. And I tell you this story. So I'm about 10 or 11, so sometimes I could just walk away from home.

Nobody gave a fuck. So I go downtown to the local Hilton Hotel because I said, I want to go see what white people are doing. You know, rich white people because I thought everybody stayed at the Hilton was rich. You know, and plus I went in there because we didn't have no fucking A.C., so I was standing in front of the door. When the doors opened, the AC hit me in my fucking face. So I'm standing at the phone booth one day and this white man said, hey, you want to come go to my room with me?

I'm like, huh? And then he started like he was jacking his dick. And I was like, okay. Honestly, I go to his room, Joe, and he had me jack his dick. And I jacked his white man dick and he paid me a hundred dollars i'm like are you gonna fucking be here tomorrow so i'm thinking this is my first job

i go home and tell my mom i got a job downtown jacking white men's dicks for a hundred dollars you told her that yeah she wanted to go oh my god oh you're gonna get a hundred dollars in the ghetto for jacking dicks oh you might get some oatmeal cookies you're gonna get a damn hundred dollars oh my god oh my god oh my god how old were you at the time i think i was 11 you were 11 you told your mother you got a job jacking off white men's dicks For $100 And she wants to go with you Yeah

That might be The craziest fucking story You've told so far I said they're not hiring You're too fucking old You're not fucking this up Oh no You're not fucking this up

My mother-in-law She only had four teeth And she wasn't really cute So she wasn't fucking It's funny that you have to qualify that She had four teeth But she was cute as fuck. No, she wasn't cute at all. You know what I'm saying?

I mean, once you only have four teeth, it's like, what is really cute? Your tongue. Something about being toothless is not that appealing to us. Wow, that is so crazy. Your mom wanted to go with you. Yeah. When I was... Where was all this going?

What city is this again? Atlanta. It really started in the bootleg house. This is when I knew she was fucked up. On Friday, my grandfather's customers would fall asleep. And while they were asleep, my mama would make me rob them. And for every person that I robbed, I got $5 per person. And I probably was seven or eight.

I remember that shit like yesterday. And I told her, I said, you're taking advantage of me. I should be making more money. So I asked her for 10% because I've been watching Sesame Street. But neither one of us knew what the fuck 10% was. You asked her for 10% of the robberies because you're watching sesame street yeah so she didn't know what it was and so i was like it's 10 so she gave me 10 for every wallet that i stole and i fucking would get up on saturday morning and play Pac-Man till the fucking sun go down.

I only did it because I wanted to play Pac-Man. That is incredible. Yeah. What a crazy environment. Now, growing up and then getting past that and looking back on it, like when you were asking, did this really happen or am I crazy? Like, how does that feel now when you tell these stories?

You being this normal person now, you know, as normal as you can be, having children that are doing great, living in the suburbs, staying calm. Like, this has got to feel like another life, right? It is another life. Yeah. Wow. It used to hurt me. Like, it used to. Like, I would cry when this shit come up and I was like, I'm not, you know, I have I have this whole thing in life and shit gonna get me down. And I learned that from a fourth grade teacher because, you know, I used to go to school. I was a stinking kid. I was a poor kid.

But I had a teacher named Miss Troop that would tell me, Patricia, get here earlier and I will bring you clean clothes and I will comb your hair. Patricia get here earlier and I will bring you clean clothes and I will comb your hair so we were in the bathroom one day and she just was combing my hair and she said I want you to remember that you can be anything in the world you want to be all you got to do is believe and that lady just died this year and I when I did time in prison anytime I got low or anytime I wanted to question something that I was trying to do in life, I went back to Ms. True. Because to me, she was the first person to ever believe in me. And I'm 42 years old. And I still fucking quote Ms. True.

That's crazy. Isn't it amazing how one person like that can have an impact? Think of those two people's impacts. The one lady that told you you were funny and then that lady. The caseworker is my godmama now. I still talk to her every day. Wow. Yeah.

She must be blown away. She must be blown away by that. When I got more in depth with the stories, like, you know, after I tell you all the stories, it probably take a month. You know, people call me, can you tell me this story one more time and a lot of time they remind me of shit how many do you write these down do you write them down you just confident you're gonna remember them all i do remember them all i guess well it's like the sex that you working on like now i talks about my mom and my act and i talk about being married so i really don't need the crippled uncle jack and dick you know right now i tell that story later on in life on stage i talk about being married. So I really don't need the cripple uncle jacking dick. You know, right now.

I tell that story later on in life on stage. I talk about being a drug dealer. You know, just the basics. Just stretching the surface. Right. You know, because I'm not a star. So there's only so much you can put out there before you make your fucking audience cry. Uh-huh.

So, you know, when you become Chris Rock, they'll take anything from you. But I'm a Miss Pat fucking nobody. nobody i gotta give it to them easy and you gotta remember i'm a fucking black woman talking to a white audience most of my fans are white why is that i have no fucking idea but i appreciate y'all to the fullness hey i love the fucker i don't give a fuck if you had one eye thank you for supporting me what do you think it is about the audience being all white like how'd that happen i don't know honestly i don't i did a radio show called bob and tom in indianapolis that's where i got a lot of them from and they just started coming i mean i would go into that mainstream club you know mostly white people and

i would tell these stories and people be like wow and. And I still have people be like, want to cry. I was like, get the fuck away from me. I'm not fucking crying over this shit. I'm over it. Wow. So it's just because they don't have anything like that in their life. I think people like to know that you overcame. You know, I could be on crack like my sister.

My sister been smoking crack from day one. She been on drugs all her life. crack like my sister. My sister been smoking crack from day one. She been on drugs all her life. And I think that's how she dealt with her pain of fucking molestation and all the bullshit that we went through as kids. She'll never admit it because she haven't faced up to the problem

yet. But with me, I just packed the shit in the back of my head. So I think when I tell my stories, people at home going through whatever they're going through, and they was like, fuck, I thought my problem was big, but hell no this bitch had to pull on cripple uncle's leg back and help him stick his dick in at eight so you realize your life ain't as bad as you i think after you hear my story he's like oh fuck i had good parents it's the feel-good story of the year

god i can't even imagine so you start 11 years ago you start telling this on stage and when when you first started doing it were you doing it you were doing open mic nights and then i started talking about my life about six years ago when i moved to indianapolis so six years ago yeah so the five years before that you were doing all black clubs yeah all in atlanta and so then you were you were more like everyone else around you, just trying to do whatever everybody else did, try to get laughs? Yeah. So moving to Indianapolis, is that when you started getting paid work, or were you getting paid work before that? I started getting paid work in Indianapolis.

I became a comedian. I was bullshitting the whole first time. And my husband used to always say, nobody want to hear that chicken shit on stage. And I didn't know what he was talking about. He was like, it's not funny. I mean, he wouldn't say it to hurt my feelings, but he wouldn't support it. He never would come see me. He's like, that ain't funny.

You know, anybody can talk. Why are you going to talk about your bedroom on stage? And I was like, oh, you just fucking hating. But when I became miss pat who i am today with my life he's more supportive like when i said i'm going to do joe rogan park case he was like here's my credit card but before i'm not giving you no money to go tell him fucking roast jokes so it makes a difference like he only seen me once what yes once a cat williams when i opened for cat williams he invited him out that's the only time he's ever seen you because you know what he said

i was never funny to him i was always serious and he said people just laughed at what i said they thought i was trying to be funny but i was just being me wow so for him it wasn't funny no because you know what when i did bob and tom and i talk about being my baby daddy shot me in the head another dude shot me in the titty his his co-workers listening so you shot your wife titty off he's like that wasn't fucking me Oh, my God. He's constantly asking abuse questions about me. Oh, my God. He's like, you snapped your wife with a skate? I'm like, dude, that was not fucking me.

That was the dude before me. Oh, that is crazy. I was so broken before I met this dude. Wow. Is your nipple together still, or is it just gone? No, no, it's there. It's a little damaged, but damage but it's there you have a piece in it still right you said you're saying no what i was saying when i do my mammogram

and they smash my boob you can see the uh the gun the what is it called the gun the the fragment on my bullet fragments yes wow little spots and it looked like breast cancer but they know it's not breast cancer so they have on my chart and my mammogram office been shot in the right titty missing nipple did they say titty on your mammogram or whatever boo breast yeah if your doctor's calling a titty you might want to like where's your fucking certificate man can i see where your diploma is well i'm old school they always titt titties, Joe. Always? Yeah. That's a good name for them. I got no problem with that.

What do you call them? Titties are great. Okay. I have a friend who says, my friend Steve says titties for things that are good. He's like, we're going on a titties camping trip. I say tits. That means it's good. I say tits. Like, that's tits.

Or the tits. Yeah. Boobs. I don't have boobs. I got titties. My shit hangs like balls. And I have to put grease up on them so they'll slide across my stomach easily so they don't fucking create fraction and make a sore.

Oh, no. Really? I got real shit, Joe. We were talking about your husband before the podcast started about he became a vegan. Yes. Lost a ton of weight. Lost over 100 and something pounds. That's crazy.

Yeah. His health was going down. I mean, knees and shit hurting, everything. And he just said, I'm not eating this shit anymore. Well, if you're 100 pounds overweight, just imagine. My husband was a big guy. He was a big guy. Carrying an extra 100 pounds.

Like, just everywhere you go, you have to put 100 pounds on your shoulders. Like, everything will start breaking after a while. That's what most people are doing that are 100 pounds overweight. They just don't think about it, right? Yeah got his shit together became a vegan haven't eaten meat in two years wow that's crazy and did you do you stick food in his face like smell this bitch it don't bother my husband is so fucking strong-minded this motherfucker went on a 40-day water just pure water i was like are you fucking crazy well you can't live on just water he dropped so much weight just on water and went to work every day that's crazy you're not supposed to do that that's what i told him i said it's some stupid fucker on on face on uh youtube

that told him he can live off water i was like look at your fucking titties they're fucking just gone you need to eat something 40 days of he went 40 days of no eating did you drink juice nothing he didn't even brush his fucking teeth he brushed it with water there had to be supplements or some kind of no he didn't he lived on water well let's see how many days do you think it says online? I'm not saying his story is not true, but if you Google. I can call him and you can ask him. No, I believe him. But I'm saying how many days do you think it says online that you could only drink water before you die? I did a 10-day water lemon fast where I couldn't.

No, he didn't do no lemon. He did water. Brian, how many days? I would say you could live to be 30 days with just water and maybe some stuff. I think it's 21. But you'd be dead like the last two weeks. I think that's like this. Isn't that the story behind Drunken and Afraid?

Who's that? Not Drunken and Afraid. Naked and Afraid. Don't they say that? Like it's 21 days is the day. Okay, let's find out. Can you live off only water we'll go to yahoo answers it says the average person can depending upon your body fat the average person go from a week

to one month or so without food so this guy went 40 days he like probably hit the boundaries he was so she was shaking so bad and i was like can you please fucking eat how you just gonna down me i don't even know what a policy is that is so crazy you had to do some kind of supplement okay there's a hunger strike wikipedia page apparently you could live as many as 74 days that's the longest a person's ever gone with just having water oh my god hunger strikers dying after 52 to 74 days so 74 is uh a big one that's ridiculous yeah gandhi gandhi apparently went through a bunch of uh hunger strikes when he was i didn't know gandhi was alive so young i don't know so long ago it was 1922 the only way i can go on a hunger strike if they shut down all the chick-fil-a

do you get mad on sunday why does chick-fil-a have to be so religious they can't be open on sunday well by that time i don't fucking soak all of that crap into my body so much. I love Chick-fil-A so much I made my son get his first job there so we can get a discount. Wow. There's certain people that are famous hunger strikers. Apparently, a guy who fasted to death. His name is, boy, try to pronounce his name. J-A-T-I-N Das. D-A-S.

Jatin Das, maybe. pronouncing this j-a-t-i-n das d-a-s jatin das maybe um it was 116th day of his fast they gave up their hunger strike surpassing the 97 day world record for hunger strikes which was led by an irish revolutionary so apparently you can fucking do that you cannot eat for 40 days like your husband did. He's crazy, though. Like, he was probably on death's door. I know. He was so fucking weak. And he went to work and worked.

My husband built the transmission for Allison Transmission. That's a crazy way to decide to lose weight. I mean, he just wanted to cleanse his body. Of cells. But, you know, his skin turned so pretty I found him because he was about to die

his skin changed? yeah it became super smooth how many days in to his fat I didn't really because I

you know I traveled I tried to travel at that time I was traveling a lot so you know I come home and I was like god damn

you losing a lot of weight dude then I found him on a fucking water I was like you need to fucking eat yeah did he ever get to a point where you were worried about him falling asleep yes no not really falling asleep driving i was worried about him fucking he was always cold so i was like you cold you about to die what the fuck are you gonna leave me here with these children i gotta do gigs wow so then when after 40 days he starts eating he starts eating and what did he

he uh he started to like fruit he went into fruit first he's real gentle yeah that's gotta be a big shock to your system yeah that's what he said he didn't want to shock his system he does this shit all the time he don't go that long anymore he might go 20 days 15 days whoa really i've heard of people doing like six days of juice that's you want me to call him and ask no i listen i'm not questioning i'm saying i don't know anybody who's ever done that that's a very extreme dude he just liked that when he said when he just i tell you he used to smoke cigarettes and nobody knows this and he just stopped and he started back one time when I got arrested. He went to court with me when I was getting my life together and I needed my driver's license.

And it just said, you have $5,000 worth of traffic tickets. How you want to pay this? And so my husband was like, Your Honor, I can only get $500 out during the day. That's it. He said, well, you got gotta go get some money we're gonna lock her ass up he started by smoking because he never been to jail wow that's the hardest one probably quitting smoking that's no he went cold turkey he and after i got out of jail he stopped he did again about a week he always do every fucking thing cold took joe i've been

trying to lose weight forever i've tried all the nice shit out there nutrisystem did work but i can't afford the shit so now i'm back at my x-lax diet because that's really cheap x-lax diet yeah what's the x-lax diet you take it and shit your brains out and he gets mad at me because i do X-Lax and I get mad at him because he do water. I think X-Lax is probably worse for you than water. I know. I do the mild form. The mild form of X-Lax?

But I mean, all that's due to your, it's a diuretic, right? I mean, what does it do? It makes me shit. Yeah. Of pounds. Like if I can eat a cheeseburger and I really want to get rid of this cheeseburger. It blows right through you? It blows right through me.

It's the po' bitch diet. That is not a way to do it. I know, Joe, but sometimes I can't resist Chick-fil-A. I like coffee and I really can't drink coffee because I got sensitive nipples. Coffee make my nipples really sore. What? I'm serious. Coffee makes your nipples sore?. What? I'm serious. Coffee makes your nipples sore?

Caffeine fucks my breasts up. Wow. I got caffeine breasts. I'm called caffeine breasts. And women out there who's listening, they know I'm telling the truth. So this is a common term? Caffeine breasts? Yes.

When you drink too much caffeine, it fucks with your titties. So I just went and had a mammogram on just my left titty two weeks ago. Wow. Because I had too much caffeine caffeine so when i lay off the caffeine my breast stopped being so but i like chick-fil-a coffee fibrocystic breast that's what it's called see that's that's the medical term yeah fibrocystic god damn it you google everything i do i'm constantly um constantly curious yeah uh pain or discomfort in both breasts pain comes goes with the period but can last through the entire month.

Breasts feel full, swollen and heavy. Yeah. And caffeine does that to my breasts. Well, my nipples are hard to sit in a bra. I have to wrap them in tissue paper. Wow. That's crazy. But coffee fucks me up, but I love it.

Some women get it from eating chocolate, drinking caffeine or eating high fat foods it causes their symptoms uh but according to this uh medical page there's uh no clear proof of what's causing it yeah when i come off of caffeine my titties stop being so honestly i know my titties well it makes senseibrocystic breast. That's what it's called. Painful, lumpy breasts. Yes, lumpy. And it almost makes you feel like you got, you know, like you feel a lump. So I went in two weeks ago and I was like, I'm very paranoid because breast cancer running my family. So on my daddy's side.

So I was like, just check my damn titties. So my doctor knows that I'm a comedian. You say it that way to your doctor? Yes, I say any fucking thing to my doctor. Really? I fucking love my doctor Like when he giving me A gynecology visit

I be like How do this blue cross Blue shield pussy look doctor So they gave me a mammogram On one breast And they're like You don't have any fucking lumps Lay off the damn coffee

Oh that's all it is That's fascinating That's amazing Is there anything That does that to your dick Do you have fibrocystic dick cells when you're a woman and you turn about 40 your body's like a 64 chevy you must repair that bitch like honestly since we're friends now i tell you okay so when i turned 40 my cycle came on one day wouldn't go off so i had to go in there and they go i don't know the medical term but i know you're gonna i know you're gonna google it they have to burn the inside of your vagina oh

good lord and they burnt my vagina joe and they were beatboxing for like three weeks it was a it didn't hurt it was like so i called my doctor i was like my pussy is singing can you stop my pussy from singing so it was like air? No, it was healing. It was healing? Yes. So in the healing, it was popping? It sounded like it was making music.

What kind of healing was going on there? I don't know, but it was like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. I could almost feel it in my stomach. And my doctor knew I'm a comedian. And I was like, I'm a serious doctor. My pussy's beatboxing. So I go up there, and he said it was healing. So essentially, they had a cauterize? Is the term yeah something like that so you were bleeding so much that they had to go in there they either do two things they

either burn the inside of you or they give you a hysterectomy and I didn't want a hysterectomy so there was no other way to stop the bleeding no good lord it just break down you use so much that's a crazy feeling. They burnt the inside of you to cool everything off. Not to cool it off. To stop the flow. That's crazy. God.

This extra things that women have to worry about. Breast cancer is one. Like they say dudes get breast cancer, but you know, I'm like name one. All y'all got to worry about is drop penises. That's it. And then they, but, you know, I'm like, name one. All y'all got to worry about is drop penises. That's it. Drop. Yeah, soft wieners. Yeah, but they fix that.

They have pills for that. Yeah, but they don't have anything for broken titties and broken vaginas. You know, dry assholes. I know people get their vaginas tightened up. I've heard that's unbelievably painful, though. Really? Yeah, they go in there and fucking, you know, a woman's had a few kids and their vagina's all blown out. It doesn't blow it out.

It's still got some grip. You got to use your stomach. You sorry, half her? Depends on the woman. I know what you're saying, but there's realities about the shape of the body, like stretch marks. A lot of that's genetic. Some people get stretch marks. Some people do not.

Beyonce don't have any, does she? No. Probably got just crazy genes. Some people, they stretch way the fuck out and have a kid and it all goes right back into place. It's amazing.

And then some people, one kid and they're done-sville. The whole thing, the whole package is just done. I know. Like someone just drove a truck through a water balloon. My daughter-in-law is like that. I was like, someone just drove a truck through a water balloon. My daughter-in-law

is like that. I was like, don't have a baby because this baby is going to fuck up your figure. I said, you young girls

need to stop fucking trying to be mamas. Take your body and abuse them. Have fun. Have a baby when you fucking in your late 30s

before it's about to dry out. Don't give a man an opportunity to fuck up your flat stomach. But what if she wants a baby more than she had a fucking baby now she's fat and she's fucking all out of shape and she's still trying to wear that sexy shit and i'm like uh no boo boo take them ho shorts off it's not gonna work you miss your opportunity i told you don't let my fucking son get you pregnant. Oh, no, boo-boo. Take that whole shit off.

Take that whole shit off. I told you not to let my son get you pregnant. Holy shit, that's funny. There was a thing in the news the other day where ages 18 to 24 are twice as likely to get vaginal surgery than most women. I guess it's really popular with the young kids now to get the Barbie cut where they chop off all the lips and everything. So it's just the line, you know, like kind of like labia surgery. I mean, yeah, yeah. To make it look like this pussy.

It's it's the porn that people are trying to get the porn look, you know, like the perfect. That must be exactly what these kids are crazy. No, everybody wanted their lips. What is vagina lips called? Labia. Labia? Labia. Labia.

Everybody wanted their labia, wasn't it? I only read it. I never say it. I call it, yeah, curtains. Who would cut their vagina lip off? What's going to catch the stuff that's coming out of it? It's going to catch the stuff that's coming out of it. I mean, the panty line is there to catch it after it falls, but it's like run down the sides meat curtains meat curtains yeah i don't know i think it is pornography though because

you think about like pornography is so it's so bright and visual you know like if you got a camera you if you're having sex with someone you know there's a lot of stuff going on right there's a their face is in your face. You're kissing. You're touching each other. But if you're watching a porn, a lot of times they're just showing you, like, the insertion. They're showing you the dick and the vagina. They're showing you the body parts.

They're showing you things moving. And you're concentrating on, like, this one particular area. And you can decide for whatever reason, like that is that's what you got to focus on like that you need to trim up your fucking yard you could clean your hedges so it looks like these videos well you know what joe i i got stomach sitting on my vagina i ain't seen this since the 90s so maybe i don't know what's going on down there maybe i need some what is it called batman pussy too. Good God almighty. Yeah, I don't think you need it.

No, I don't need it, Joe. I mean. Nobody needs that. Don't do that. And plus, some guys like it. Like Jim Norton, he's always talking about he loves big pussy lips. It drives him crazy that women get that fixed. Like some famous porn star.

I think her name was Houston. She did something with her vagina lips. Like she sold them or something like that. So you have a vagina lip? Google that. Yeah, there was something crazy. God, I'm trying to remember the story. I think she got surgery and then she did something with it.

She was also one of the first people to ever do a gangbang. Remember she did like the Houston? No, she wasn't. We saw that shit in the hood all the time when Craig first came out. Joe, come on. I mean in a porn oh oh okay getting paid one of those giant ones like 500 people like yeah she let 500 people have see this is the thing they say it's 500 people but it's really like 60 people and they fuck her a

bunch of times they like go through the line and they keep going and you know they act like a new guy i think some of them have actually gone. I think I've heard of that. I'm not into porn. I'm not into porn. No. It was Houston. She sold her labia for $50,000. Jesus Christ.

And what did somebody do? Bop him and suck on him for skin? Yeah. Like a silky blanket. How long will it last? $50,000. How long is it good for? Is it in his freezer somewhere?

He's probably had it dried out. It's like eating beef jerky beef jerky vagina i need to call and tell my daughter that she might like that is there a i need to she might like beef jerky vagina is there a photo of said labia no i don't want to see no sub labias i just i just don't understand Is there a before and after picture of a pussy? If there's not, that's ridiculous. And it's just reportedly. Okay, so it could be bullshit. It could be fake.

Yeah. I'm more for the women who are trying to keep dales. You know, just want a vagina jacket. I don't understand. It's got to be that. It's got to be the porn. It's got to be. It's got to be.

I mean, think about fake breasts. Fake breasts are so common. You know, the other thing, I did K-Rock the other day, and they brought up Korean women who win the Miss Korea. Miss Korea, they look exactly the same. Like, pull up. Pull up, there's an image. All those women look the same anyway, Joe.

Oh, no, no, no. This is way crazy because it's all about plastic surgery. They get a very specific type of look the same anyway, Joe. Oh, no, no, no. This is way crazy because it's all about plastic surgery. They get a very specific type of look by plastic surgery. It's super, super, super common amongst Korean women. So who wins? All of them? But that's what's crazy. It doesn't make any sense because they look exactly the same.

So over the years, like so think of how many, look at this, plastic surgery blame for making all Miss Korea contestants look alike. Look at what these women look like. They look exactly the same. Like, you could have photos of any one of them doing something and then tell the police, and the other one will be charged for the crime. I mean, look at what they look like.

I mean, I don't like generalizations. You say, oh, everybody looks the same. Well, maybe you, you racist fuck. No, those girls look exactly the same. And what they're doing is apparently they're going and getting a very specific type of surgery uh and they shape their face to a very specific way and they do it with their chin and they do it with their eyes and they do it with their noses and when it's all said and done fucking person with a different hair

very close at least very close i mean really close when it's all said and done they're almost exactly the same like that no no no no no there's a lot of before and afters this is a real common problem in in why i wouldn't say common i wouldn't say a problem rather it's a cultural issue in korea their plastic surgery has run rampant because if you don't want to have sex with your wife you send one of them over there and when was i mean oh Because if you don't want to have sex with your wife, you send one of them over there. And when was I mean? Oh, so if you don't want to have sex with your husband. Yeah, your husband. And you look exactly like him. Yeah, you look just like that.

Just send your husband. Why don't you go out with your boyfriend? He sticks it in there and he realizes, like, this one's tighter. This one's got that extra work done down there. No, men don't know. This is not my wife. What is going on here? Unless he thinks that she had something done.

But it's just, it's very strange that they're all adopting this uniform look. That's scary to me, you know? That's a scary... There's before and after of one. You can see... Yeah, look at this. You know, she looks very actually... Fuck, she needed that.

She's like a little boy. They should do that, Joe. She look like the Karate Kid. If you could tell, the big thing that they're getting is what's been quoted as the anime eye. If you look at the eyes, they're very big. They're kind of stretched. How do they stretch their eyes out? They cut the lids.

They change the lids. They change the shape of the lid. They go in there and they take like a pie slice out, pull that bitch together, and their eyes are like this. That's what they do to people when they get older, too. I know a dude who did that, has eyes done. Like, they get your eyes done, and all of a sudden you're like this. It's nothing like seeing a dude looking like an old ass woman with plastic surgery, isn't it?

Kenny Rogers. Have you seen him lately? It is the creepiest thing ever. He's like on a commercial right now. I've seen Kenny Rogers. Terrifying. You know who Kenny Rogers is? Do you know who he is?

I fucking like country music. Yeah. Well, do you ever see what he looks like now? No. Yeah, let me see. You wouldn't recognize him. Really? Yeah, poor guy.

He's pretty open about it, I think. He's had conversations about it. He talked about how he fucked up. Shit. I mean, you kind of have to talk about how you fucked up when you look like this because it's it's so obvious well john rivers had a lot of it yeah that's not a bad picture dude in that picture he kind of looks normal but there's that's a bad picture that's a bad picture go get get a good one because there's some good ones that are like really shocking just pull up kenny rogers bad plastic surgery and you'll get some good ones i was on the beach the other day and uh this dude

caught a uh a manta ray you know what a manta ray is and he pulls it in from the water and uh there's it's in malibu and there's all these rich people that have houses there and they think they can tell people what to do for whatever reason so uh the dude had already released the manta he caught it and released it you know they were trying to catch fish and they just caught this manta ray accidentally and so he uh he's releasing it and this lady. You know, they were trying to catch fish, and they just caught this manta ray accidentally. And so he's releasing it, and this lady comes running because this other lady was like, you know, they're doing this. They're torturing that animal. They pulled it out of the ocean. And this chick comes running to tell them what to do.

And when I tell you that she looked like a monster, like I am not exaggerating. She looked like a monster. I mean, this poor lady, I felt bad. Like she had done so much to herself it was like her face had been so pulled back and the guys who are listening are podcast fans the guys who caught the fish so they're probably listening to it right now they they were talking to me before so i assume if you know who you are what's up nice guys um you know regular looking young tattooed up dudes who are out there fishing they

caught this big ass manta ray but this lady came running and when i saw her as she approached him i had a visual i mean a like a visual visible like i felt an a tangible like quiver like i saw her i made the visual contact like my eyes hit her face and it's like i just oh like who fucked up your face what did you do and not only that she's in this crazy ass fucking multi-million dollar beach house you know this those beach houses in malibu are ridiculous and he's also we're cheating with somebody who eyes is not wide open while he sleep he's probably just xanax the fuck out just trying to deal with her and him and his own life. He's probably a mess, too.

I don't know who he was or who she was, but it was the arrogance of this crazy lady running up to these guys. She goes, guys, throw it back. Throw it back. You could keep a manta ray and eat it if you wanted to. Nobody could stop you. And it's like, look out there. That's the ocean. That's really fucking big.

This idea that this guy on the side is going to do anything to the population of the manta rays. That's not how animals die. They die because of giant nets that they pull amongst these huge boats. And they pull them out of it. That's what's overfishing. It's not a dude on the rocks pulling some. But in her idea, in her mind, she was going to tell this dude. Put the manta ray up. But I felt so bad minors are cute though they're kind of

different they're a unique species I oh yeah they're kind of cool yeah but you know you you ever had skate like get a restaurant it's delicious what is skate skate is a it's a manta ray it's a type of red that thing name it wasn't that one that was not the one that he caught he got it was like a stingray it had like one I don't know what kind of ray it was it was cool looking but he read he let it go immediately he had already let it go when this lady came running over but she just had such a monster face that he should have said tight monster face i'm gonna take this manta ray and beat the hell out of you if you don't get off this beach lose your face up they call the police so

fast they probably have i don't know how they do it But you know Like There's Kenny Rogers That's a good Bad picture of him Why you say it's bad? The one on the right

Look at his eyes And his nose He looks weird He's high as fuck He might be In California That's not a good one though There's some other ones

Where it just looks Really awful There's other I've seen one comparison I think this one's a good one too Maybe Yeah that's it That's it Holy fuck ones where it just looks really awful whether there's other i've seen a one comparison like this one's a good one too maybe yeah that's it that's it holy fuck he looking crazy that cannot be no kenny rogers it is it is that's his daddy no that's him they changed the shape of his face and doesn't and it doesn't make you look better either it just makes you look different

and not a good different. His eyes is wide open. You can't shoot that shit in your face either, man. That thing that everyone's doing where they're putting filler in their face. Not just Botox, but filler. The black girls are putting it in their ass. They're putting... So many transgenders have died. I'm serious.

Putting stuff and things in their ass. No, you haven't heard about it Google it They was taking People was telling They was giving them butt shots But they was putting Fucking cork

Cooking oil Cooking oil in their ass And I know I know so many Black girls with fake booties And when that shit Hardened up That's a photo

With some captions on it Yeah when that shit Hardened up Ain't nothing they can do With that crap They can't go in and cut it out. No.

I don't know. I wouldn't let nobody shoot no fucking Home Depot stuff in my booty. Well, some women that had their lips done back in the day,

they're scarred for life. There was this poor lady that used to live down the street from me and she had, like she'd talk to you and she had a line like right here

from here to here. A straight line inside her lips from where she had these artificial lips put in. And so when she would talk to you, you would see the scar, like the scar in her upper lip. It was so distracting. It was like, what did you do? She probably got it for sexual pleasure. She wanted lips like yours. She wanted natural ones.

Couldn't get it. I always get compliments on my lips. They're beautiful lips. Well, thank you. You hear that? Well, I got. Wait a minute. What?

Joe said I have beautiful lips. They're beautiful. That's what white women want. They want those plump, juicy lips. You know, white women, sometimes they'll go drastic measures. And they want big asses now. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

They're getting them too. Weird. Yeah. You botched plastic so they I was watching one last night where the woman got the the fake butt and it started to it popped or something that started going into her leg and her inner and stuff and they couldn't get it out because it started growing it with the muscles it started attaching the muscle so they couldn't take it out and so she just decided to get another one put in there and then that one didn't take because there was it's just all what was she getting uh butt implants and then then she could just flip them like she would sit down and would flip upside down and stuff like that like reverse oh i saw that lady i saw that on on yeah facebook i saw that lady she just flip

her ass inside out and it was a bad job. And I was like, as long as the ass is sticking the right way, it's not a bad job. It was like a little fine. How low are your standards? Yeah, no, it's a bad job. If you can flip it around. What are you, a spokesperson for the surgeons? I mean, I don't know.

I mean, but when it was turned the right way, the ass was nice and curvy. When it flipped over, it looked like a plate that was upside down in our ass. But could you imagine what it feels like if you grab that thing? Like you're wrestling with something. Like a fish is underneath the surface. I mean, it can't be no different than sucking fake tits. I got to grab a girl's butt at a strip club in Dayton, Ohio, and it felt just like boobs on your butt.

But hers, she got the really big ones, the ones that were like the size of basketballs. And so it was just like jelly. She was white? Very jelly. Oh, yeah. She probably went too far. Yeah. That's what happens.

Everybody goes too far. It's like some women can get breast jobs and they just get a little bit of an enlargement and it looks great. Yeah. And then other women get crazy

and they get those basketballs put in and you're like, oh. And then they have back problems and they look stupid. They look stupid. And then they look cleavish, sag. I'm just going to keep it what I got. I'm going to keep the same man, Joe.

I don't have time to be fucking cutting off my labials, my vagina lips, or your skin lips, whatever you want to call it. Because that stuff is going to dry your vagina out. You're never going to have have wet vagina without having those lips you dumb half is that how it works so the lips like help well it helps keep some moisture in there moisture in there whatever you want to keep the shit wet i'm learning a lot there's a lot of things i didn't know yeah so i'm i can't do all that i don't want to pull my neck back my eyes back i mean you know you're gonna get get old. Shit is going to stop working.

That's why God gave you hand. When my husband ain't working no more, I just unstick his balls and we keep it moving. We watch the news and go to bed. You know what I think? I think that also when people are doing their early adopters, you know what I'm saying? Like the people that got the original boob jobs, like those they leaked and there's silicone and, you know, the poor people got sick sick and remember how many people got like lupus and all these diseases from tit i knew a girl got lupus from her breast job she had a leaky breast job and she got lupus like she was all fucked up her immune system was jacked but now like they have it down where like you know it's very few

reactions it's a different feel to it like you you were talking about, it's like a... Gummy bear boobs. Yeah. They feel like a real breast. They feel like really firm, real breasts. And I think that in the future, and not so far away either, they're going to be able to give you injections that make a woman's breasts grow. Like they're going to be able to grow natural breasts. But breasts ain't... You know, I think if you don't have breasts and shit, it's probably hereditary. Go back down the line, you got a bunch of flat-breasted aunts and shit.

You're not supposed to have titties. I remember when I wanted breasts. I remember as a little girl, somebody was like, if you rub butter on your titties, they would grow in your ass. They would grow. So we went in the refrigerator and took all my mama butter, and we just soaked our chest in butter. And I think that's why I got titties today. today so ladies don't spend your money at the plastic surgeon just buy some fucking i can't believe it not butter put your two boobs in there and soak them overnight and see if they grow in two weeks i'm not sure if that works i don't know either but look at me i'm rocking a 44 double d with grease up under it there's um apparently

there's a lot of people been working at this they've been trying to do this for a long time and there's there's a bunch of ways that can kind of help a little bit but they're not exactly they're not really ready to grow tits yet but you know what someone brought up the other day that made a lot of sense they were saying that like when a woman uh man becomes a woman when he becomes transgender becomes a woman they start taking estrogen shots and a lot of times they grow natural breasts they do i got a son who eat too much mcdonald's and he got nice size eight cups that's on the same note yes it is he got nipples in it he's overweight he's overweight so they should gain weight and grow teeth no it might not work

it might work but it might not work. What they're saying is that they can give a man injections and he starts growing natural boobs. Wouldn't they be able to give a woman estrogen? And would that make her breast grow? That would probably fuck us up because we already produce estrogen. It makes it crazy. Yeah, we'd probably go crazy. Too much women in here.

Yeah, right? It's an overflow. You come home and this bitch cooking the cat. Yeah, right? It's an overflow moment. You come home and this bitch cooking the cat. Yeah, right? Yeah. You don't want to do that. There's a lot of neurological disorders, cancer, even new silicone-related diseases that didn't exist before breast enhancement surgery.

So you got nice tits but can't open your hands. You got to have some serious... This girl was all fucked up that had lupus. She was a mess. You know, like, that's a... Those autoimmune diseases like that, like lupus, are no joke, you know? Is there any plastic surgery that you would get? You know what I think, man?

I think we're so close to them being able to figure out how to do stuff without it. Like, I don't need plastic surgery. I'm beautiful, perfect as I am. But I've had it. I had hair transplants when I was younger, obviously. What happened? My hair was falling out, and I was trying to fight against it. So you had hair transplants, but you don't got no hair now?

Now I shave it. I should have shaved it from the beginning. So now you're shaving your transplant? Yeah. You waste fucking money, Joe. I keep changing. Waste money. That's one way to look at it.

Y'all white people, stop getting hair transplant. All you got to do is go to the hood and get something called a quick weave. A quick weave? Yes. What is that? What you watching on my head. It's a whole head of hair for 50 listen that's not gonna work with me i do jujitsu like i'm getting no we don't get they

don't got it like this shit is sold up not anymore not anymore not anymore white dudes are not allowed to get weaves it's just too pathetic it's what they're going around with the toupees that be shaking and shit and we can tell they should get that off yeah they don't need those shave the head i know a guy who works at the lows in my area he got one and it's fucking horrible it makes him look like a child molester i mean like you look like you kill babies but you take that ugly ass wig off your head to him no but i don't like he creeps me out because you know it's nothing like saying somebody with a bad weave when you wear weave. Right.

So you have a good one and him having a bad one is offensive to you? Yeah. It's bad for the whole weave community? Like when John Travolta wears his beautiful one and he goes on the Academy Awards, are you like, that's a respectable weave? Yes. I mean, it's got to look good. The problem is it's glued to your head. Not anymore.

This is sewn in. Sewn in. Sewn in. is sewn in. Sewn in. Sewn in. Sewn in. Sewn in. Yeah, but if a dude's bald, like if you're always bald, like I have stubble up here, but it was all just, it was going. It was gone.

The party was over. What happens is they take hair from the back of your head where it's never going to fall out and they move it to the top. The joke was that it's like taking a bunch of really healthy people and you move into a neighborhood where everybody's dying because that's what it's like when you don't think about that did your transplants die no they stayed they stuck around they're the new residents that like they so do they grow now yeah yeah they grow but the old hair that used to be there along with the transplants that's that shit all falls out eventually so when you grow hair

what do it look like do you you look like? No, no. I mean, I have enough hair to grow my hair out and not look like I have cancer, but it's not, it's pretty close. It was going. It was on its way. It was getting thinner. It was like cotton candy year. It was getting older.

Cotton candy year. It was falling out more and more and it was annoying. Is that what they still do now? It's easier to just shave it. Yeah, they do. Well, they do it now. They that what they still do now? It's easier to just shave it. Yeah, they do. Well, they do it now. They do what they call single follicle. So they take like one hair at a time.

They'll take it from there and put it up there. But the bottom line is you only have so much hair back here. And especially if you go full Ronald McDonald, like if your hair goes bald, like way back to the edge, imagine taking that little edge and trying to populate your entire head. Good luck. You don't have enough hair. So then they figured out how to clone hair and that's what they're working on now. the edge imagine taking that little edge and trying to populate your entire head good luck you don't have enough hair so then they figured out how to clone hair and that's what they're working on now they're working on cloning hair but at the same time they're also working on some other shit like that'll just genetically they'll be able to inject it in your skin it'll grow hair

like crazy they're pretty close to being able to figure that out because it's some sort of a giant multi multi-billion dollar industry dudes losing hair. But if I could give anybody any advice from someone who's already shaved their head, shave your fucking head. You sexy. It's so easy. I look so bad. My husband lost his hair, too. He was trying to hold on to that shit.

It's so freeing, and I truly do not give a fuck. It doesn't bother me at all anymore. My hair used to fuck with me when it was falling out, because I was thinking about shaving it, but I wasn't sure if I needed to just jump in and do it but once i did it i was like oh god yeah once i did it though it's like oh this is so much better my husband used to have that kid and play fade but he had that hole in the middle and it was i was like uh can you fucking get this goddamn teacup hole off the top of your head

let it go and look like he looked like a bottle top opener. What did you want him to do with it? Cut the shit off. He was losing his hair. It was thinning. And it was like, it would grow around the fade, but it had a hole in the top.

So he was good until he went, what the fuck? You know, it looked like he was keeping a little safe on top of his head. Yeah, we talked about poor Jason Alexander decided at like 50-something years old

to wear a toupee out of nowhere i don't know jason alexander but you don't know sign sign fell the show sign fell george from seinfeld do you ever watch seinfeld no you're too busy shooting people and get arrested no my husband watched seinfeld he turned me on to seinfeld it's like i don't want to watch this boring ass show and then i watched i was like this is a fucking great show it's a fucking great show yeah we spent many nights watching sign fee do you know do you know richard pryor's story yes do you know his story like of growing up in a brothel the whole deal yeah but yeah i know your story's like five times more crazy than richard pryor's really yeah yeah i think so it's it's

pretty close i mean richard pryor suck no oh i didn't turn gay for two weeks i read richard book he turned gay for two weeks i was like Richard's book. He turned gay for two weeks. I was like, holy fuck, Richard. Probably more than two weeks. Probably more than two weeks. It's more likely he did some stuff. I don't know. I mean, there's a different time, too.

If you stop and think about what was going on in the 70s, think about all the people that are allegedly involved in gay shit. Well, the brothel, right? Yeah, the brothel. It's a prostitute house. well the brothel right yeah the brothel grew up it's a prostitute house um but you know you look at like um allegedly david bowie and mick jagger went gay for a while you know like um what's his name from um the who what the fuck's his name not roger daltrey the other guy jamie townsend pete townsend pete townsend was gay for a while like he even did i just think it's shit when you're in hollywood it's no more you don't head out of a johnny you don't know. Townsend. Pete Townsend. Pete Townsend was gay for a while. I just think it's shit when you're in Hollywood. It's no more, you done had out a vagina.

You done turned it inside out. You done stuck your foot in it. You done kicked it across the room. You done baked the pussy. You done beat the pussy. You done banged the pussy. You done set it on fire. So you're like, well, you know what?

I'm going to go over there and play with this dick and see if I can do the same thing to a dick. Not that they're gay. They're just trying to do something else. I think that's what they do out here just in Hollywood. Because in the Midwest, they just keep the same old bitch with the beard who smokes cigarettes and tote babies on their hips. Maybe. You got a good point.

Yeah, I think for a lot of dudes, it probably is that. They probably want to just expand their experiences. Yeah, it's like getting fingers put in their ass. I tell you. me take so I went I did I had to do a hosting for a dildo party I'm not into dildos. I don't want to forget it. How did you get this job? They thought I was funny They came to show so they like come host our dildo party. They have a dildo party. Yes, and women loves this bitch They got traders. Hey, they got dicks that in the comic books you know do you know that they got the new the dick with the suctions on it so you stick it to the toilet and you just have sex with yourself when you finish you rinse it you rinse it off and put

it in the dishwasher whatever fuck you do with it right so i host this dildo party so they give me this little thing and i said well what is this she said well go home and spice up your relationship so i was like oh my fucking relationship could use some spices i mean you've been married for 23 years i mean what else right so i was like well what do i do with this she was like this is ball dust she said you take this feather you dust these balls and you ball dust but it came with a pink feather so i go home with this ball dust and i was like, open your leg, I got some ball dust. And I pulled out this feather and I was like,

if you don't get that gay ass kid away from my balls, he wouldn't participate. What if it was black? He wouldn't have participated. It was a fucking feather. It was that feather.

He's like, who the, what the fuck did you get ball dust? You're not putting that shit on my balls. Why is it? Is it because it was pink

it turned him off? No, I think it was ball it turned him off no i think it was ball dust period my house not gonna do all that extra shit why is pink universally a girl's color i love pink i don't know well it's nothing wrong with the color but i mean like yeah this lighter is a pink lighter it's a hello kitty lighter so it's definitely a girl's lighter that's my lighter exactly so why you call him red band a girl no we're just being silly but this is pink like why is that

color like a girl color why is white universal it's because when you grew up your mom put you

girls in a pink bedroom and bought pink stuff and when you as a boy it was boys were blue colors like their bedroom colors were blue

so when you walk around with an ugly ass baby that was a girl but looked like a boy you put in pink so people's like oh your little boy is cute no she got on pink as a fucking girl even though she looked like a boy but how did we figure that out though how do we figure out pink for a girl joe you gotta ask the people who started before us you asking jesus christ questions i don't know but i I'm wondering. Rosa Park questions.

Not Rosa Park. Maybe a Harriet Tubman question. I don't fucking know how they came up with this shit. I got a GD. Let's Google it. Let's Google it. Why does the color pink be associated with women? Yeah.

Probably because it's a soft color. Yeah, it is. But isn't white as well? White is my favorite color. Yeah, a lot of people like white. I have a white car. It's very pretty. It's good for cars.

When I was little, I wanted to be white because I watched the Leave it to Beaver. And Beaver Mama was so fucking supportive. I wanted that lady for my mama. She cooked every day. You wasn't called bitches. You wasn't shot at. I was like, I want this bitch for my mama. So I wanted to be white

yeah pink they don't know they have no idea they have no idea it's most commonly associated with femininity they don't have any idea why there's a bunch of speculation all different pink was likely associated with boy babies as with girl babies it's a certain point in time it was just associated with babies we've we had babies at a certain point in time. It was just associated with babies. We had that picture, remember, of was it,

which original, it was the Theater Roosevelt dressed as a girl when he was young. Yeah, yeah. They used to dress little boys. Yeah, pull that picture up

because it's so bizarre. All of those dudes dressed with wigs on back in the day. Yeah, but this is when they were babies. They dressed him as a baby, as as a girl when he was a baby. Why?

They just did it back then. They used to do that. Back in the day. It was normal. High heels were actually made for men and stuff like that. That's why they love him now. Really? That's why they love him?

Now. Think about it. You can take a gay man. He'd do makeup and hair and dress way better than normal like a regular female has that been snopes did we ever run that through snopes theodore roosevelt supposedly that's a boy yeah okay okay no that's a lie yeah it says so okay let's see roosevelt dressed as a girl debunked Theodore Roosevelt Let's see

It wasn't always Wow it's true That's true What? That isn't an actual It's in the Atlantic The photographs about girls Or boys rather dressing up as girls

That's totally true He had shoulder length hair And a hat trimmed with a marabou feather but not because he was a gender bender um the unexpected childhood look is a reminder that our cultural norms about gender specific clothing for children are a surprisingly recent historical development wow that is interesting man it was 18. He was two and a half years old. And boys wore dresses until age six or seven, which was also the time of their first haircut. Wow, that's so weird.

Franklin's outfit was considered gender neutral. So that outfit, pull that outfit up again. That outfit was considered gender neutral at So that outfit, pull that outfit up again. That outfit was considered gender neutral at the time. What outfit? The outfit that he was wearing where we think it looks like a girl. Look at that. That was gender neutral. That was a girl?

Yeah, look at his little booty shoe. And his hair. They didn't cut your hair except like mo style across your face so that you can see where you're going. White babies still look like that. That's on the smithsodian.com. Also that all this, they talk about all the pink and blue.

You really detail. Yes. That is that detailed. I mean, for the Google between pink and blue, I personally don't give a fuck, but I'm learning a lot here. I mean,

that's fascinating to me it's it's absolutely fascinating to me i was watching fox news we talked about this before about those women that are on fox news no not because i believe in it just because it's fascinating i watch it too i love people that are convinced of anything i want to be convinced of god i watch religious shows i like people that convince there's no god i watch religious shows. I like people that are convinced there's no God. I watch atheist shows. I like watching people convinced just to study their patterns. But watching Fox News is always fascinating to me because it's like this weird look into another world

that I don't ever hang out in. I don't know these people. But these women are so hot, and they're so leggy. There's so much naked legs going on. And I was thinking if a man dressed like that on TV, it would be a fucking, it would be a sin. Like, you would, that, if a guy dressed even remotely like one of those women on television, it would be front page news. It'd be like, what the fuck has society fallen to?

So if a man came in with, like, male UPS shorts on, I mean, really tight. Yeah, but that's not's not See shorts are one thing These women There's no short There's no pants That you have to pull down You just lift their skirt up And start fucking

It's right there Their vagina is There's a tiny little piece of I don't think it's tiny They're on Fox Seafruit cloth They're on Fox They have tiny little dresses on

That's what make people tune in You flipping through the channel and you see a sixer. Holy fuck. You're going to stop. You don't care what they're saying. I mean, look at Sarah Palin. They think she's fucking hot. Well, she was hotter back in the day. She was prettier.

She's starting to hit the wall. I mean, but people think she's hot. Yeah, but if you thought she was hot when she was running for president like six years ago or whatever it was, that would be kind of, she was kind of hot back then. That's more of a power thing also, I think, maybe. Well, it was a fucking God bless America sort of a thing, son. First of all, she's a rugged outdoorsman, lives in Alaska, okay?

Woman's been a hunter her whole life, and she's kind of pretty. Bitch can't kill fish. Well, you know what she would do allegedly they would uh shoot a caribou and then they would uh call her for a photo op and she would they would she'd get out of her car they'd hand her the gun she'd stand down there over the body they'd take a photo and she'd hop back in the car and drive off like they would have they would shoot an animal just specifically to make her look like a hunter i know what a caribou is you know what a caribou is a deer yeah it's rainbow a reindeer rather i guess that but oh fuck yeah that's what a caribou is you know they're like when santa has those reindeer that's those are

caribou it's a in the deer family caribous didn't come to the ghetto no no they barely come to alaska you gotta go find them they're uh you know We didn't believe reindeers laying on your house. If you was getting gifts and somebody showed up, it was a fucking Santa Claus with a pet bull. Did you ever teach your kids about Santa Claus? I told them it's all bullshit. It's all bullshit.

I tell you, when I moved in my white neighborhood, I'm in Walmart one day and my son was talking about getting something for christmas he was talking about santa i was like it ain't no fucking santa okay just tell me what you want and i'll buy so it's white how old was he at the time he probably was like 10 so a lady a white lady in line was like how dare you not say it's a son i was like bitch he ain't brought me no money mind your own own business, white woman. What the fuck is you talking about?

You want my son to grow up and bleed something? Nice, fat, chubby, white dude just going to show up and leave tall. I don't even got a fucking chimney. I got an electric fly place. How the fuck he going to get in my house? Exactly. How the fuck is he going to get in your house? He's not going to get in my house.

So she's like, don't not tell kids it's not Santa. I put up a tree because it's cute. Isn't that funny that you have to like that has to be told that's a lie that we all agree you have to tell children it's easter bunny the tooth fairy you would catch i would catch my stepdaddy now taking my fucking tooth and put five dollars up on there and when i wake up my mama want to borrow five dollars so she can get high wow so i'm like all these teeth you lost and didn't no fucking tooth fairy come out and leave you no money? Yeah, the tooth fairy

is the weirdest one. What is it? Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, what's the other one? Easter Bunny, tooth fairy, Santa Claus. Secretary's Day. Secretary's Day? What the fuck do I got to do with holidays?

That's a failed attempt at a joke oh my mother-in-law won't won't uh won't celebrate halloween because she's super christian and that's the devil's birthday whoa your mother-in-law says that yeah so she's like don't buy masses it's demons and masks i'm like shut the fuck up you can't buy masks there's demons and masks well what if it's a mask of like you know i don't pokeo or if it's a mask of, like, you know, I don't care. Pokio or something. It's a demon. You shouldn't have,

you shouldn't, like, my mother-in-law, like, you shouldn't have, like, you know how people have those fat elephants and shit on their floor? Mm-hmm. You can't have that because they carry demons. Hold up.

Ah! Wait a minute. Um, fat elephants on their floor carry demons? What? You know, you know how you go in people's houses and they have those, uh, those glass elephants and shit? Uh-huh. And tigers laying on the floor carry demons. What? You know how you go in people's houses and they have those glass elephants and shit? And tigers laying on the floor?

You've been in black houses with the black leather couch. Sculpture. Like a sculpture. Yeah. That shit. You can't have those. No. Not where my mother-in-law. She say that stuff carries demons.

She's super safe. Sculptures carry demons? Well, I don't know where she get this shit from. Really read that one. That's a tough one like you know someone makes a sculpture like the eagle sculpture in san francisco i mean that's just like i grew up i grew up in like my mama had a jesus picture every black household had a jesus christ and a model of the king picture you wasn't black if you didn't have those fucking two pictures

in your house how come nobody knows who rosa parks is nobody knows what she looks like i got this photo of rosa parks mugshot up on the wall and everybody thinks that it's a chinese lady asian lady that's what i thought she was i just don't understand i i don't i don't know how that's not a famous person how's that not a famous person it's a famous person once you told me who she was but how's it not like recognizable like martin luther king recognizable malcolm x recognizable if you saw his photo is that what it is she's probably biracial oh for sure yeah she's definitely biracial yeah just by her coloration but i don't know just probably better instead of doing that well you can do that but it's hard to zoom in on that yeah there you go that's what Rosa Parks looked like nobody knows so she was uh she the

lady that said no she said fuck this I'm sitting right here bitch became fit boy they fucking nobody asked her to move she looked white nobody asked her to move but they said I think in that at that time it's like she was the tipping point you know i'm glad i wasn't those days imagine imagine when they had whites only fountains and shit my daddy always talked about that shit he passed about three years ago when i brought him to indianapolis to live with me and my daddy really never lived around white people so when my son all his friends was white so my daddy would say like pat you gotta get gary he out there pulling them little cracker kids on his motorcycle and i'm like daddy nobody say that shit anymore he was he had a slave

mentality well if you stop and thought about it for a second like how how recent slavery was it really kind of freaks you out because that was 1865 they made slavery illegal. That is not that long ago. No. That is not that long ago. That is weird. That's less than 200 years. Stop and think about that.

1865, that's not that long ago. If you lived to be 100 years, if you're 100 years old today, okay, and that means that in 1914 you were born, okay? If you were born in 1914, 100 years before that, 1814. Slavery is legal as fuck. Yeah. So that's like two generations, you know, grandfather to father to grandfather. If you go back two more generations before that, that's not that many people.

That's like a guy has, a woman gives birth to a child, the child gets raised, has children of his own. Maybe five generations. Maybe, maybe. Maybe five generations. But the people that are alive, like the patterns of people that are alive, birth to death, birth to death, there's only three. Three generations of birth to death. birth to death, birth to death. There's only three.

Three generations of birth to death. And you got, I mean, not a guy giving birth, you know, a woman giving birth to her own child and him giving birth to his own child, but a person living from birth to death, the next person being born, birth to death. There's only three. That's not that long. And that was buying people.

You could just buy them. You could take them. You could fuck them. You could kill them. You could fuck them. You could kill them. You could do whatever you wanted. There wasn't any laws. They were yours. They were your property.

Yeah. They would just tell you if you beat them, they'd tell you not to beat them as much. I don't fucking know. I wasn't around. I couldn't imagine. Yeah. Could you even imagine?

Can you imagine owning a person in your backyard? Well, what's fucked is when you hear there's just as much slavery today as there was during 1865. If you looked at at the world the whole world as far as the numbers what about all this sex slave shit going on with the younger kids i heard a lot of those kids they like it that's what i heard well i will say i liked it but i don't think those kids like it he wouldn't let me go home of course they don't like it imagine that someone would justify sex slavery like look look look there's other problems in the world okay we have an energy problem there's global warming yeah yeah that's probably that's

how they look at it look you had it bad your mama didn't have shit come on over here suck a few dicks let me feed you well you made it work you you you were like a person who was i mean you were sexually molested if you were having sex with a man in his 20s and you're 14 or you were 12 at the time when it first started you're being sexually molested you made it work but it was good sexual molested it was horrible yeah yeah i shouldn't give him credit for that, but. It was good? Unemployed. Unemployed black men can fuck. I'm sorry.

That's awful. Lord, I hope my husband don't listen to this. That's awful. I hope he's not listening, too. I really want to see photos of this. Don't you want to see? Because I really want to see what a 12. No, no, no, no, no.

A 12-year-old. That's a male, bro. No, I don't want to see photos of that. They're coming to your house. You better go to jail, you nasty ass. What he means is

a 12-year-old that looks like a grown woman. Yeah, I want to see do you have boobs? Are you holding like a teddy bear and looking back at it? Can I show you me at 16?

Yeah. Well, yeah, that'll work. I'm going to see if I can get this fucking phone. I can show you me at 16. You know what was crazy i'm gonna see if i can get this fucking phone i can show you me at 16 you know what was crazy i was i was a drug dealer on this picture so my daughter was like uh you don't look like i expected you to look and i was like well what do you expect you know gold teeth and i was like i wasn't fucking up my teeth you fucking crazy you know that was

the most that was the biggest scam in the ghetto those dinners were putting teeth gold teeth on those crooked ass black people teeth when they should say hey dude take this dope money and get some braces first before you fucking cram these before you cram these goals on these ragged ass teeth so you be at the club and this motherfucker got teeth in his mouth looking like a piranha but he what the fuck okay explain that to me because i'm white what is it about gold teeth what it's not about gold teeth black people are flashy we like gold we like shit that shines why is that because we want to stand out and i i tell you we with with black people we want you to know we got it because you really you come from not having it so when you get it you tell the fucking world

because i was just telling my friends i said what is it with black people that are run out and buy buy a thousand dollar jeans that you fucking got a food stamp card but your pocketbook costs eight hundred dollars you know you gotta fucking you gotta get a name brand purse or you get a knockoff name brand purse for two hundred dollars and it ain't even fucking real leather, and it don't have no value. Just so people can say, I'm toting the Michael Cole. I'm toting the Louis Vuitton. Well, we know it's not Louis Vuitton because your fucking car is raggedy, and your teeth is crooked, and you got a bad weave, bitch, and you got a lot of kids behind you. You don't buy a Louis Vuitton if you got four, five kids.

It don't work like that. Them bad start at two grand. But a Louis Vuitton is not like a Ferrari. If you get a fake Louis Vuitton, what happens? It doesn't hold shit. It holds shit for them and they act like it's real. You know what I mean? If you have a fake Ferrari, you're not driving very fast.

Who the fuck got a fake Ferrari? Oh, they're fake Ferraris. They fall apart. The purses fall apart very fast. I bet in China they're making fake Ferraris right now on a goddamn assembly line. I bet there's dudes out there that have fake Ferraris that don't even know they have fake ferraris it's probably totally possible i never heard of a fake ferrari but i know about some fake bags and want to be flashy

and you know you know i was gonna get a gold grill when i was a drug dealer but i had a friend was like you're not always gonna do this shit and you have really nice teeth so why would you fuck them up so if you did get gold teeth they have to like chip out the outside of it no they do what they do is they my brother had beautiful teeth i mean he could have did a fucking colgate commercial and he went and got a gold and they they they fucking moved his front teeth and put a gap there so they can push the gold up and he decided i don't like this shit this country ass brother of mine put a pin in his mouth and ripped the gold off his teeth ow what about it no it didn't bleed

he was just my brother he'll build it i got two brothers with the same name they're not twin their name is anthony and tony and that's a real fucking name and you know what, Joe? I didn't even know that. I didn't even recognize that until my husband was like, Pat, why do your brothers have the same name? I was like, my fucking brothers don't have the same name. Their name is Anthony and Tony. He was like, Pat, that's the same name.

I was like, what the fuck? That is the same name. You know what else is the same name? What? John and Jack. Well, they're not John and Jack. Yeah. Is it? John F. Kennedy

was Jack Kennedy. Yeah. John F. Kennedy was Jack. They called him Jack Kennedy. That makes no sense. Yeah. It's one of the weirdest ones. That's a weird one. It's a weird abbreviation. But that abbreviation is not always used.

I know a Jack that was born Jack. On his birth certificate it says jack but john is the you know the nickname of john is jack it's a j-o-h so here i am i don't know it's a good question you're at 16 in this photograph i'm proud that's my eagle here's both that's one of a kind let me see that that's you at 16. with him and that's the dude that's the grown-ass man I had the baby by. Wow. That's crazy.

That's the dude that shot you? That's the dude that shot me. Well, this is hard to see because it's kind of an old picture. Yeah. But what did you do to this phone? Did you shoot this phone? I broke the shit in Lowe's. At the hardware store?

Yeah. Is that hardware store? Yeah. Is that a note? Yeah, that's a note. Those are great, aren't they? Yeah, for old people like me who wants to see. Those are great for going online, though. Looking at webpages, can't beat it. Can't beat it for that.

So here's me as a drug dealer. Oh, I show you my kids. Unfortunately, this is a podcast that people listen to. I'm showing it to you i know i know but i'm saying that i wish that everybody who listens could get a photograph of this that's your kids right here that's me like 16 wow that's crazy you at 16 with two kids and one of them looks like it's six. I'm not even fucking around. That's crazy.

That's a child with children. That's a child with children. Wow, you have a crazy life, Miss Pat. Yes, I do. How did you choose the name Miss Pat? How'd you go with Miss Pat? Because I was going to name myself Rabbit, but that was too close to my drug dealing life.

And so I didn't want to come to the stage rabid. That's just too fucking bland. Right. So I was like, well, what can I call myself? And at that time, when I started being a comedian, I still had the little vending business at the Donovan. And all my daughter's classmates worked for me. So everybody called me Miss Pat. So I was like, well, how do I make people respect everybody called me miss pat so i was like well i don't make people respect me miss pat so i i was like okay the kids naming that's a good one

i like miss my name is patricia it's very well it's very easy to remember too and it's it's unique to you and you automatically know i'm black it could be j like an asian no you automatically know miss pat that could be an Asian, a crazy Asian chick who wears tight leather clothes. Or a gay Asian dude. No, I've walked up on people like in mainstream rooms.

They was like, who performing tonight? It was like, Miss Pat, Miss Pat gotta be black. It's gotta be some deaf jam. And I'm standing there, I'm like,

no bitch. Fuck is you talking about white boy with your cat jokes? With your cat jokes? I just fucking hate cat jokes. Why do you hate cat jokes? Because if you go to a mainstream club, all you fucking hear is cat jokes.

I'm like, can one of you fucking white boys rob a bank so you can be more fucking interested? You gifted bastards. Gifted bastards? Yeah, you have. Gifted, like privileged. Privileged bastards. I don't want to hear your cat.

You don't want to fucking change your litter box. Hey, come on. Let's rob a grocery store, bitch, so we can eat. Let's do some real life shit. What kind of cat jokes do you hear? Is this Indianapolis cat jokes? No, everywhere I go, they got cat jokes. And I don't fucking tell a cat joke in front of me.

It fucking dries my vagina out. You need to go on stage at the UCB. What the fuck is that? That's the hipster club. Those dudes wear cardigans, and they all have cats. Everyone has cats. They put cats in their hipster clubs. Fucking cat.

I have two cats. You do? I have two cats, two dogs, and 24 chickens. What the fuck do you live in California with chickens? I live pretty far away from here. I got to tell you my chicken show. You got a chicken story? Yeah.

My mama had one chicken in the backyard. She had a lot of them, but she eventually killed them all. So I'm telling you the truth. So when my life was so bad, I would go outside every day and just tell this chicken everything. You know, Cuckoo, my mama ain't shit. This bitch is shooting at us. I hate this bitch. Her chicken's name was Cuckoo?

His name was Cuckoo. I fucking hated my mama. So I would talk to this chicken and you know, a chicken walking around eating shit off the ground. I really thought he was concerned and was listening to me. So honestly, I come home from school and this bitch got my chicken. My only friend that was listening to my pain, by the neck and getting ready to kill him. And the chicken eyes is big and I'm looking at the chicken and he looking at me. And I'm like, nigga, did you snitch on me and she gonna fucking kill me next and she killed that chicken and she made me eat it wow that was well you know that's what a lot

of people have chickens for they kill them and eat them but i didn't know i made friends with it so i that's why i don't have a chicken for a pet i don't have a dog because i i had a dog named pup pup pup pup pup pup and cuckoo and pup pup cuckoo and pup i used to love the fuck out of them so when ronald reagan got re-elected pup up got upset about the election i assumed and jumped out the back porch with a change on the neck and fucking hung himself wow that's why i won't vote republican because i say Ronald Reagan killed my fucking dog. He talked about suicide because of Reagan. Hey, I almost moved to Canada because

of George Bush. Really? I thought about that shit. When he re-won, when he won in 2004, I was like, this is a crazy place to live.

I gotta get out of here. When he re-won, I was seriously thinking about going to Vancouver. And I was on TV at the time. I was like, it would have been hard for me to move to Canada

and still come back and do Fear Factor. But I was like, this is not good. This is an insane place to live. We've got to get out of here. I was totally convinced we had to get out of here. I was just going to try to get all my friends to move to Vancouver too. I mean, they all say they're going to do shit for us, but in the end, we're all going to get fucked about them.

They don't give a fuck about us. They just want to buy nice meals, nice suits, and do the fuck they want to do i wonder people don't care about people anymore when i was little joe you could go to the black church and eat on sunday for free for years until ronald reagan got re-elected then i'm telling you he fucked us up because after that they started charging $5 for the meal. And I haven't been made to the church since. $5 seems reasonable. But not when you live where I fucking live in the 80s.

Right. On food stamps. I got fruit once a month. $5 in the 80s was $10, right? That was like $10, right? Probably $20 in my neighborhood. We didn't even eat fucking fruit. We ate beans every fucking day. But don't you think that like times

are tough and prices for things are expensive and people would do you really think that people don't care about people anymore no they don't but don't you yeah i care about okay if you're my friend if you're my friend you're my fucking friend all right are we fucking friends or what we're not fucking friends no i mean you said my fucking friend you said that okay okay you scared words i am yeah if you're my friend you're my friend i mean and i'll do anything for you i'm not a two-faced type bitch i'm down with you okay so but people say they down with you to get what you got some some but yeah there's there's ever you could say that about and it is business in this bit this is a cutthroat for this is almost like getting a drive-by in the hood i disagree you

know why why are you here then you're here because we want to help you we you hear because we found we found we heard about you but this is the business the this business some people do help i'm not saying everybody's like like this business is going on right now in this room is this business mm-hmm and in this business we're just trying to help you so that's bullshit what you can find this around no no no you can find those people this is this this is my thoughts on this business yeah you can find those people in this business but you can find those people everywhere you could also find people that are nice Yes, I really believe people there's more nice people than people give credit for because the negative instances stand out

It's like when people talk about like online like commenters on YouTube and shit like that Think about what percentage of people that is like everyone's, there's a perfect example that society's doomed. Go read. Like I was reading something about Floyd Mayweather the other day. Floyd Mayweather took a picture with his new girlfriend. And the fucking comments were so bad. I think that is evil. When you get on YouTube and you talk about Beyonce baby hair, I was like, these people are human.

Like people would say shit to me. And I like, I did a podcast and I talked about putting drugs in my baby panties and everybody at the time was tweeting you to get me on. So this dude was like, Oh, why would you want her on Joe Rogan? When she put drugs in my baby panty?

I said, hold on, bitch. I was 15 years old at the time. Have you thought about where I was in my life at that time? I said, plus don't judge me, bitch.

You probably like fucking frozen cucumbers up your ass, but nobody's coming over your house trying to pull frozen cucumbers out your ass. I'm not judging you because you like. That's very specific. Frozen cucumbers. How do you know? How can you make that call? Why frozen?

Because if he doesn't have frozen cucumbers up his ass, he's in a clear. Your entire argument is invalid. I mean, people do. They write ugly stuff. It's because they don't have to deal with you face to face. Yeah. See, that's not a normal way to communicate with people. People get a free shot at you.

Like, you're Miss Pat. You're on the internet. You're on a video. They see it, and they can just start talking shit for free. And more than one. It's not one-on-one. Like, if you were doing that in a room say like i would knock they fucking ass but it wouldn't happen listen no if you're in

if you're in a room like say if you were in a room you're talking to me and then someone who's a youtube commenter was sitting right there and listening to you talk used to you say someone who would say something awful about you on youtube if they were sitting right next to you they wouldn't say they wouldn't say shit. They wouldn't say shit. And if they did say shit, if they did say something rude, you'd be like, where the fuck are you coming from? Why are you coming at me? First of all, I'm not talking about you. I'm not talking to you.

This doesn't concern you. So why are you making some sort of – and then you'd have a conversation with that person, and they would be shown to be retarded, and then it would be done. But they could just leave it on youtube that comment is permanent yes this moron statement that's not supposed to happen in nature it's just not when you think about how many people that is though that's a small what percentage of the people comments on youtube videos is it even people don't have a fucking life percent yeah but what is the number i mean is it one tenth of one percent is it one-tenth of one percent? Is it even that? You could just look at the likes and dislikes of every video, and that pretty much sums it up.

Yeah, likes and dislikes is pretty easy, but comments sometimes are interesting. Sometimes they're engaging. We talked about that with Lewis from Unbox Therapy, that sometimes he gets people that are really knowledgeable, and they're interesting, and they have discussions in the comments. But it's the shit like on Floyd May where they're talking about his girlfriend. I was like, whoa. They jealous. Not just jealous, hateful. And they're also, they're giving in to their situation. They're giving in to that this guy is rich and famous and a superstar and successful

and I am less. I will never be in his position. So I'm going to take free shots at him. I'm going to throw rocks at him. Because they would will never be in his position. So I'm going to take free shots at him. I'm going to throw rocks at him. Because they would never say that in his face. That's like when they was going around saying, come Beyonce, baby hair. Who the fuck are you to tell the Beyonce? That baby is more richer than all you motherfuckers I know.

If that baby want to have nappy hair and her parents want her to have nappy hair, that baby hair was nappy or whatever you want to call it. She still look better than your fucking baby who was born on Medicaid, bitch. Well, again, if the baby wasn't born on Medicaid, your argument is invalid. And you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm just saying, period. I mean, people pick at people and they don't realize that when you say stuff like that, they can hear it. Well, it's just stupid. It's just stupid.

It's a situation that's never supposed to happen. Human beings are supposed to communicate with each other. They're not supposed to just communicate. And when you just communicate, no one's there. And you can just say whatever you want. There's no repercussions. You're in an echo chamber. You don't even have the fucking name that you have.

Like, you're 69EatMe. That's your YouTube name, you know? So 69EatMe has all these things that they say. And they can say fucked up shit on every video they find online. They're not even a real person. And they could have 20 of those names. They could do whatever they want. That situation doesn't exist in nature.

But it doesn't mean that people are fucked up. It means that there's an avenue for fucked up people to express themselves that didn't exist before, and there's evidence of that. I had a fat girl one time. I was on Bob and Tom, and i said some stuff like oh my husband don't think i'm funny one you know i don't like being fat because fat girls like to eat all the time so this lady sent me like a long ass email how dare you talk about the fat girl and why is you on that clansman show with them white dudes and you this and fat girls are sexy and she sent

me all these fucking coupons then she sent me all these fucking uh little things for clothes for fat girls all on was fucking leopard i don't put on no leopard anyway leopard yeah leopard tiger that's what fat girls wear leopards and tiger they want them to look like animals so you can shoot the shit out of them and so i was why do they always wear leopard you look at lane brian and ashley stewart they always fucking everything is animal print. I think they trying to kill us. I don't wear that shit. I wear black.

Okay, big, okay. So look at big girls clothes. Animal print, big girls. I'm telling you. So she sent me this jumper and she was like, big girls are sexy. And so I was going to tear her ass up and my husband talked me out of it. What you need to do is you need to write a bit about big girls wearing animal have a bit do you have a bit about that yeah you need i need to hear that bit yeah it's so true it is look at it i told you leopard titties titties look everything tiger and

animals and zebra zebra pants why is that i don't Why do you think we want to look like a bear or some shit? I said leopard and I said bear. Leopard and bear. That is a weird thing. Maybe it's like an attempt, an appeal at the animalistic side to make you more attractive. I don't know, but I hate it. I don't buy leopard panties. I just think i'm

serious my husband don't want to see my big old ass walk around no leopard panties no leopard bra and then i got stomach hanging over the front of that he don't want to see that shit no no i don't buy like like valentine's day look valentine's day it always a pink and red leopard lingerie lingerie for fat girls i'm not putting myself in that shit i'm not doing it no lingerie for fat girls. I'm not putting myself in that shit. I'm not doing it. No lingerie? No. I sleep in a t-shirt.

Okay. With my panties on. Don't be angry at me. No. I'm past the lingerie part, baby. When I lost my virginity in the graveyard, I'm done. Lingerie is over. Now, seeing your husband lose all his weight and go vegan, does that make you want to do anything?

Yeah, but I'm lazy. You got to know your boundaries. I'm like, I need a sponsor. Y'all send me some free Nutrisystem food. But you're not lazy because you hustle. I hustle my ass off. So how does that work?

Everybody got that one thing that they can't accomplish right off. And that for me is losing weight. I just lost 30 pounds on Nutrisystem. And so, you know what? I don't have $300 losing weight. I just lost 30 pounds on Nutrisystem. And so, you know what? I don't have $300 this month. I quit. Nutrisystem food is still at the house.

I went straight to Chick-fil-A. What is Nutrisystem? How does that work? They send you healthy food? They send you healthy foods and meals. And it works if you can afford it. But I missed one gig, and I couldn't afford it no more. One gig?

I think Weight Watchers is the best. Have you ever tried Weight Watchers watchers have you ever tried weight watchers i can't count no fucking points i'm busy you know i got a gd i can't keep up with that kind of shit i just moved my niece i just moved my niece and her four kids and i ain't got time to be counting shit i can't do that i need something you can pop in the microwave eat it and then go on about your business. Yeah. But if you had like, this is what I believe. I believe that you're going to be very successful. That's what I believe.

Absolutely. Thank you. You're going to have crazy, crazy money. And when you do, are you going to get like a private chef? A personal trainer. A personal trainer. Yeah. And a chef to cook you like healthy meals.

I'm going to ring a bell. Ding, ding, ding. Bring me my thousand calories. Are we going to see Miss Pat shrivel uprivel up or are we gonna see miss pat say thank you very much for the healthy meal and you shut your door and bolt it and then pull a drawer out from underneath your bed and you start stacking cakes and twinkies and snickers bars no if i can get half of my sixth grade figure back half of it just half of it i used to be 140 pounds wow oh god and nice round titties and both nipples that was a good old day slowly work your way back to that we can make this happen healthy what you gonna do make me run it costs to eat healthy it does well you know i was eating healthy then i moved my

niece in my niece was homeless with four kids she's 23 years old so i said okay i raised her for 10 years my mama can't make a fucked up her life so i went home for christmas and i fucking got my niece four kids and i just started back eating i was so stressed out i mean how do you bring five people into your house kids literally had no shoes no nothing and i took everything i had to get these kids back together i mean these kids were so behind on these shots her four-year-old was getting newborn shots oh my god so i had i mean i think that that brought on a lot of stress and i was like fucking i'm just gonna start back i'm sure i'm sure yeah stress is a fucker and

when you hit stress the first thing you do when you hit like a real bad patch is to go back to whatever comforts you yeah for some people it's food for some people it's cigarettes for some people it's booze you know and i need to lose weight oh my god i just a hundred pounds will do me just you're too funny we got to keep you healthy yeah you're right we got to keep you healthy i won't drop dead when are you back here again we got to do this again we ran out of time we just did three hours oh we did yep fuck i feel like i've been here for 30 minutes it's crazy just flew by three hours is over i don't know whenever you call for me i'll be here you got an open invitation anytime you want to come on anytime anything can i promote my website yeah

please do y'all please Y'all know my Twitter. Comedian Miss Pat. Comedian Miss Pat. Facebook. Instagram. Comedian. Like as in girl comedian. Yeah.

As in girl comedian. That's a very controversial thing. Like a lot of female comedians that just say, I'm a fucking comedian. I'm not a comedian. Well, I asked my friend who had the college degree. I was like, I need you to spell comedian the girl right. So she Googled it. Well, the good thing is if you just type in msp8 it

comes up msp8 and i have a um instagram facebook and my website is miss pat comedy miss pat comedy dot com yeah miss pat comedy dot com i want to uh do a couple dates yeah please join me at toledo ohio uh august 8th through 9th at laughs i'll be at the funny bone one night only so it's very important that you come out to the funny bone I want to show them that I have some fans which funny bone Atlanta hell no it's the Dayton Dayton

Dayton funny bone yeah funny bone Atlanta's a good spot we ain't got no funny bone in Atlanta don't they no we got an improv punchline they don't book me yet funny bone in Atlanta don't they no we got an improv punchline punchline they don't book me yet funny bone is Columbus Columbus funny bone yeah and the Dayton

I'm in Dayton Dayton and Zany's August 28th through the 31st Nashville Chicago Chicago good room

yes a great room and Oklahoma City Oklahoma City I'll be there September 10th through the 13th at the Looney Bins is all this

on your website? All of this is on my website. MissPatComedy.com MissPatComedy.com Thank you so much. This has been a lot of fun. Thank you for having me. I really, really enjoyed it.

And thank you to the fans who got me here. And I want to thank my friend Avery at Morty's Comedy Joint because he told me three years ago he said, if you get on Joe Rogan some shit might happen and i said who

the fuck is joe rogan and look i'm here beautiful avery made it real avery diligent at morty's company john and and give a big shout out to uh randy who's helping me with a project in indy that was a beautiful podcast that was a lot of fun. I really, really, really appreciate that. Am I the first black woman? No. No, Tiffany. Tiffany wasn't on this though. She was on the other one.

Ice House Chronicles. Yeah. Oh, maybe. Maybe. Oh shit. I broke history. I'm the Rosa Parks.

You might be the Rosa Parks of this podcast. Hell yeah. I think she is. I feel like we're, maybe. Shut the fuck up, Red Band. You forgetting somebody?

I'm the first one. I thought his name was Red Bean, and I met him last night. It is now. Guess what? It is Red Bean now. Now it is. That shit's going to stick. All right, thanks to our sponsor.

Thanks to honor.com. Go to O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements. Also, thanks to NatureBox. Go get your yum-yums on, folks. Rich and delicious and healthy and nutritious. NatureBox.com slash Rogan. Go there and enjoy it.

If you don't get the sriracha cashews, you're a sucker. MC. NatureBox.com slash Rogan. Get 50% off your month's first box. And thanks also to Stamps.com. Go to Stamps.com. Use the code word JRE and save yourself some money. Much love, my friends.

We'll be back soon. Take care. Drive safe. Eat your vegetables. Big kiss. Oh, August 1st. Ace Hotel and Theater. Downtown LA.

Joey Diaz. Duncan Trussell. And moi. Come laugh with us. See you soon. So my friend, Avery, I'm giving him a surprise party. Can I just tape you saying happy birthday? Yeah, sure.

Yeah, definitely.