The Joe Rogan Experience - #53 - Freddy Lockhart

Episode Date: November 2, 2010

Joe sits down with Freddy Lockhart.

We're recording to Server. Get the fuck out of here, Server! We're playing music that no one's heard. This shit is Die Antwood's, D Antwood's, original band. That's normal. I'm a big fan of this shit. job to do eat my dust rookie i'm primed for mass appeal and haunts my force field now catch my feel 72 000 nerves of steel start tingling that's the real deal get

revealed bring on the glory decide with these mystery hooks we'll keep reading about our story in this history whoops what happened whoops well uh let let's just say that that's a fucking South African band. It's D Antwoord now, but they were a bunch of different things before they were D Antwoord. And I've been obsessed with them for the last couple of weeks, man. They're fucking awesome. Every now and then you catch a band that's the shit. Speaking of the shit, Freddie Lockhart, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah.

Old school comedy road dog. Yeah. What up, Joe? My friend from many, many, many, many, many, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Old school comedy road dog. Yeah, what up, Joe? My friend from many, many, many, many, many, many moons ago. True that. Back when Freddie was actually working at the comedy store. Freddie started out the right way, like so many comedy store warriors have done. Working there, either doing the door or working the cover booth. doing the door or working the cover booth.

That's one of the cool things about the comedy store is that almost everybody working there wants to be a comic. Almost everybody working there wants to make it in show business. There's a lot of people that are great people that work in other clubs, but

they're not there because they want to be comedians. The comedy store is entirely comprised of people who want to be comedians. Even the accountants. Everybody. It's ridiculous. Unfortunately, except for the fucking managers. And that's why the place sucks a bag of dicks.

Oh! Oh! I got it! Oh! One of the all-time classic comedy clubs. Yeah. CBGB's have got comedy. It's not run by Mitzi Shore anymore, unfortunately.

No. But it's still a great fucking place. And that's where I met Freddie Lockhart, back in the days, eh? Fleshlight. Fleshlight is our sponsor. We have to let everybody know about that. You can go to joerogan.net and buy it,

and if you click the link and enter in the codename Rogan, you get 15% off. That's what it is, right? Show them the alien Fleshlight. See that blue? Oh, where is it? Oh, this one. Yeah, this is the alien one. It's blue, and it's is it? Oh, this one. Oh, is that where it is? This is the alien one.

It's blue. It's got two clits. Nice. Put your finger in it. If you're a Star Trek fan. Nobody's fucked this. I wouldn't do that. Except me.

I've always wondered. I was like, what does it got to feel like? That's pretty good. What do you think? It's a pretty interesting feeling, right? It is interesting. It definitely feels better than, well, probably my rough hands. Yeah.

You just warm that up. There's no blisters on it. No scratching. Just warm it up a little. I'll be in Austin, Texas this weekend, all weekend, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday at Cap City Comedy Club. And Joey Coco Diaz will be with me. It's a rare treat. We get to bring Joey on the road.

The thing about Joey is Joey's the best. He's my favorite comedian ever of all time. But he's about as reliable as a fucking fake Rolex. You know what I mean? You just can't count on him. I started taking people with me. I only used to bring one opener for the longest time. But Joey flaked so many times that I started taking a second opener with me just so that I could still book Joey. So if the shit hit the fan, it only hit the fan like one out of every 20 times.

But it hit the fan every now and then. And you'd be in Jersey going, where the fuck are you? I'm not going to lie to you, dog. I never left Vegas. Fuck! The excuse is always admirable and entertaining at best. If you get an excuse, you might just not get phone calls back. What do you want?

Yeah, for like months. What, dog? And then once you do talk to him, it never gets brought up. What up, dog? What are we doing? Yeah, nothing. What's up, cock licker? I don't want to go back to those days of my life.

Yeah, so he's going. We had a scare today. I thought he wasn't going to go. You never know, Joey. Anything can happen. I got something going on, dog. It's a Disney Channel movie. I think it's going to be big.

I get to show my balls. They're going to blur it out. Have you seen the previews of his Disney movie? No. What is it called? It's called The Dog That Saved Christmas. And they're releasing a whole bunch of them. And the first one, Joey, was like 400 pounds or whatever.

Oh, yeah. And then he lost a lot of weight. Then he lost a lot of weight. Now they were really concerned. I just saw the preview. I think it's just about to come on DVD. I saw the preview and Joey Diaz has a little scene in there where he's in drag. It's the cutest thing you'll ever see.

What the fuck would they care if he loses 100 pounds? He looks better. He looks like he's healthy. Just write it into the goddamn script. That's what they ended up doing. How hard is that? They wrote in the whole Weight Watcher thing. Is he keeping it off? He's still keeping the weight on?

Yeah. What does he eat? Yeah, he does Weight Watchers. He follows his points. I got points, cocksucker. He'll explain it to you with anger in his voice. Oh, that's great. Good for him.

Yeah, he's like, a fucking slice of pizza and a Coke. That's eight points. You can't take eight points, cocksucker. You deserve to be fat. He'll get fucking angry. He gets very passionate about his Weight Watchers. But yet, when I go out to eat, he'll be like, all right, this is only four Weight Watcher points. I'm like, dude, that's nachos with fried salmon Snickers.

How many points is that? Oh, it's like 80 points. Is that supposed to be your whole day? So what did he lose? He lost 100 pounds. He lost 100 fucking pounds. That's pretty fucking impressive. Yeah, he put it together, man.

Especially not doing the lap band or the castric podcast. Yeah. It's the old school way. He got really upset about that, too. We would talk about it. He goes, I'm not going to do it, dog. I'm not going to do it. He got real passionate about it.

He goes, Ralphie Mays had that fucking thing. He blew it out twice. Yeah. He said, surgeries. I'm not going to get cut open, bro. I'm not going to get fucking cut open. Right, right. He just, he manned up.

He manned up and he fucking lost the weight. It's incredible. Well, the thing with those things too, it's like your brain doesn't catch up with what has happened to your body. You know what I mean? It's like that's part of the whole working for it process, you know? Yeah. You can't just fucking rewire your body and then your brain is still jacked this need,

constant need for food yeah yeah big time it's an obsession man people become so it's so easy for people to get obsessed with things

for me I can get obsessed with q-tips putting q-tips in my ears I can get obsessed with video games I can get obsessed

with beating off I can get obsessed with things where they like just like consume me like I have to do them yeah yeah dude what the fuck kind

of a flaw is that shit what a goofy ass flaw it sucks too it's at least mine it's not the food one right exactly it's like mine was always like the weed one you know the sleeping one it could be bad things but i'm just at least smart enough to say you know to not deny the addiction just to know it could get out of hand if i gave into it you. You've got to be careful. Respect the beast in there. Yeah, you've got to be very careful. It's like dudes who used to smoke cigarettes. You go, I'm just going to have one cigarette. Oh, dude.

You're getting in a wrestling match right here with the devil. He's going to tie you up, bitch. Yeah, you're screwed with that. You fucked up. I just complete out and out, stay away from it. It's like the video games, the Grand Theft Auto. I got so addicted to it. My life was,

I was literally dreaming and thinking, and my mindset would be like, oh, just take that cop's car and jack him, and then we'll get to the gig quicker. In real life,

it starts coming up, right? Yeah, because it's like, that's my subconscious mind, but luckily my conscious mind is like, no, you, no. Do you think that rewires kids and makes them more susceptible? I agree with him. I used to play this game where you jumped from building to building i forget which game it was oh city of heroes and after i played it for like a month straight

like 10 hours a day i would go outside and forget i can't jump on top of buildings like i was just driving going i could jump on that building in that building like what am i thinking i'm just like that's very darwinian if you're a kid. If you're a kid, you haven't laid down at least those deep-rooted thoughts that will tell you that you can't do that. That little voice that says, no, don't kill him. You've got physical limitations. The law doesn't even hold you accountable

until you're eight years old for murder or something like that. So think about that. If you're playing those video games and you're four or five, that's all you know. You don't think. You just pull the trigger. Especially boys. When you have little girls and you see them them around little boys you realize how fucking crazy boys are from the get-go like very there are a lot of things that are fucked up about human beings because of our culture but there's a lot of shit that's just in there man when you see like little boys and this little boy there was two little two-year-old babies in this big inflatable play thing.

And one seven, eight-year-old boy. And this seven, eight-year-old boy was fucking throwing himself through the air and crashing into the walls of this thing with no regard to these babies that were around him. It was such a trip to watch. And I was watching him like, dude, you got to settle down. You got to settle down. And you're looking at him like, he can't even help himself. This kid is wired up with his fucking chimpanzee DNA. I mean, he's like six, man. He's just throwing himself into the cage of this thing.

Yeah, it's just they are. They're ingrained that way. They're crazy. He's got to get that shit out. It's inside of him. If you take a kid like that and don't exercise, that should be a crime. It should be a crime to have a little male monster and not work it out. You got to. Treat him just like

a dog. Give him a ball and make him go chase it. When I first started doing wrestling in high school, I first started really working out. I did martial arts before that, but quite honestly, the karate class that I did before wrestling, it wasn't good. It wasn't

hard enough to really break you. But wrestling practice would break you. It would break you. Make you question yourself. But you get out of there, though, and you're so peaceful. There's nothing left. You don't need to get upset about some asshole who cuts in front of you

at the red light. It's all like, whatever. I would see those guys in high school. I played football, and the thing is, it was only hard for two weeks. Hell week. The beginning of summer. Especially in Arizona. It's all like, whatever. I would see those guys in high school. I played football and the thing is, it was only hard for two weeks, hell week, the beginning of summer, especially in Arizona.

It's hard as hell. But the higher you went up in varsity, it was so easy because they didn't want anybody getting hurt. In freshman football, you had to hit the biggest guy.

They didn't care. They just sized anybody against anybody. But I would watch the wrestlers go back to the locker room after we went back to the locker room. I was like,

those guys, they would just lay there. They would be drenched. Brutal. But you never saw them on campus doing the meathead crap that we were doing, the football players. They were exhausted. They were exhausted.

And they knew. They get humbled, too. And they knew that they could end the situation a lot quicker than we could. There's that, but there's also they get it out of their system. Yes. If you're always competing with men and you're always throwing yourself in there, you don't want to do it anymore. Oh, yeah their system. Yes. If you're always competing with men and you're always like throwing yourself in there, you don't want to do it anymore. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely. It's like you're doing it in, it's the safest way to do it and deal with your biology. What you're doing is you're doing it in a controlled environment with a bunch of other people

who agree to it and it's honorable and you do it like, you tap each other around and there's not even any hard feelings, man. It's like when you do jujitsu, there's no hard feelings

when guys get caught. You know, somebody taps you out, you go, that's what happens. You get caught. What did I do wrong? Did I put my arm through?

Oh, I fucked up. I forgot to put the arm here. All right, thank you. Thank you. Then you go back again. But you get all this ingrained male dominator shit out of your system. We're not supposed to live all hanging out like this. Oh, yeah, yeah.

With chimps, chimps don't hang out that much. Yeah, you'll get your face ripped off. With other chimps, if they go meet other chimps, they have little tribes. If they go meet other chimps, they're fighting. They're gangs. Yeah, they're fucking fighting. For sure, to the death. Sometimes they creep over, and they don't even know these chimps. They just jack them.

They just decide who's in their team, and that's it. But we've got to deal with so many people all day long. You can't just jack people. But those signals are still present in like ghostly form in your brain and that's why that's why i'm a dick on youtube videos in what way what do you mean i'm just kidding i'm not a dick no no it's like it's like message boards watching people on message boards angry and psycho this and i'm always like all right if we are talking about something in a room together all in a group and you're the person saying they're like

this person's fat oh god this person sucks that's so stupid i'm like are you gonna be sitting there going yeah listen to that guy no you're gonna be doing the same thing you do on a message board where it's just like what's wrong this psycho crazy which says we have a social face that we put on for for social issues but at home that's maybe who you really are the shit you're saying on youtube we've all been out with someone who's barely keeping it together yeah you know someone's like yeah nice that's a great shirt yeah you know they're just boiling under the sun just kidding around with you man just unsolicited they do the thing where they they take a left turn when they see your reaction like what the fuck and they're like oh no no no yeah yeah i am kidding it's just

like i'm not that mean yeah there's a bunch of dudes who just like to get douchey with dudes how dare you brian it's funny the other day uh i called freddie uh and he called me back and said sorry i just woke up and i looked at the clock and I was like, oh, it's 2.30. Yeah, yeah. You guys' day had already ended. That's the real shit. I know. That's how Freddie's rocking it, man.

He's a fucking comic. Well, he's an artist, Joe. Is that true, Tommy? Let me hear it. Well, it's not just that, okay? I hear you've been talking to Mitzi. Well, Mitzi and I did talk. And you can work out in the belly room, Joe, okay?

But that's it for right now okay wow what an honor how often do you rub her feet well it's not just that okay because richard pryor needs to rub her paint freddie lockhart by the way uh used to be on the frank caliendo show and is in my opinion one of the best impressionists out there. You do impressions that are very weird, man. You do some impressions that no one else does. That's what you should do. I always figure

it's like, why get in and do something, the Nicholson, the ones like that. I try to find a strange one and I do it. Like Ice-T, man. Don't nobody do Ice-T. Bunch of bitches. I do Ice-T better than Ice-T, man. I't nobody do Ice-T. Bunch of bitches. I do Ice-T better than Ice-T, man. I do his voiceover work and whatnot. I love to say whatnot.

You got the lisp and everything. He fights a little lisp there, right? Yeah, he fights a little lisp, but it's kind of gangster and it works for him. You know what I'm saying? Bitches dig it. I used to do that at the Comedy Store. I used to call the Comedy store as Ice-T. And this poor guy, Kenny Tenney, this guy used to work the phones there.

Do you remember this guy? He was Mitzi's pool guy. And something was off with him, definitely. I mean, I don't want to say what he had, but he definitely wasn't thinking right. But he was like he made money. He had a pool company. He cleaned pools, and he did it well. But he functioned like an eight-year-old.

And I would call him every time he would pick up the phone. I would call him, and I would be iced tea, and he would fall for it every time. Be like, yo, man, I'm bringing 30 people in tonight, man. What you got on my booth situation? He'd be like, Mr. T, we don't have a booth at 630. I'm like, you better build one for me. Well, I'll see if we can. I'm just like, oh. That's hilarious.

That's how I would brush up on the impression is if I could fool Kenny Tenney, I felt like it was golden. Yeah, how do you work impressions? Do you practice them at home and then eventually bring them to the stage? Or do you know when you hear somebody, whether or not you can do it? You know, there's a lot of people, if you hear them right away, I know I can do it. If somebody tends to have a deeper voice or something like that or there's a hear them right away, I know I can do it. If somebody tends to have a deeper voice or something like that, or there's a weird thing about them, I know I can do it. But I always, more so than the way it sounds, it's the way somebody looks when they talk. Because people move their mouth a certain way.

That'll reveal half the impression. I noticed you did that with the Obama thing. That Obama thing, I watched it online, where they took some footage from the 70s, it looks like, and inserted your clips into it. That was great stuff, man. You really do a good Obama, man. That was a show on Super Deluxe, an internet series I had. But the whole thing was I would take facts and skew them a little. I love time traveling.

It's my biggest obsession. Really? Yeah, I'm obsessed with it. I'm working on a show right now about time travel. That's fascinating. You're talking to the right guy. I'm talking tachyon particles, the whole thing. I'm into it, man. Do you know who Ronald Mallett is?

Do you know the whole story? No, no, no. How the fuck do you know time travel? You don't know who Ronald Mallett is? No, no, no. I love time travel. Dude, Ronald Mallett is the premier expert in America on time travel. And this is the crazy part about him. We've talked about him on the show before,

but I'm going to bring it up again, just because it's such a fascinating story. The dude's like a fucking Spider-Man comic book, okay? His dad died when he was a child, so he became obsessed. He loved his dad and became obsessed. I did read about him.

I know exactly. Is he a black guy? He's a black guy. Okay, yeah, I know who he is. University of Connecticut. Sure. And he developed, isn't it funny that we have to say

he's a black guy? Yeah, but that's why I was like, man, right on, because I was excited when I saw he was black. Super powerful, you know, like Neil deGrasse Tyson, those kind of guys. You said his son died?

No, his father died. Was he robbing a place? Here's the story. His father died. Brian, how dare you? Was he robbing a place? You're so white, too, the way you say it. You just smell like cheese. Was he fixing a convenience store?

They were into baseball together, him and his old man. They loved it. They'd collect cards and stuff. So his whole life became obsessed with time travel because he wanted to go back in time and save his dad. Right. Wow, it's fucking trippy shit. The guy has a peer-reviewed paper that he wrote on time travel where physicists agree, like, theoretically, this all makes sense. If you could develop this kind of power, you could go back in time.

Right now, we can't develop the kind of power that's necessary to do it, but that's some trippy shit. Isn't he currently building a light thing that he's trying to send the light back in time? Yeah, light back in time. Literally back in time, and it makes sense what he's saying. And I actually, when I stumbled upon that, I was excited because I thought, you know, time travel. I always thought it would be possible. My mom worked at NASA when I was a little kid, and I think that's where the curiosity started. When I lived at Edwards Air Force Base, they were always texting, like, testing ex-jets and crazy shit that the government was working on, which just made me knew that, you know, they're really aware of shit that we had no idea about.

And that's when I kind of got into time travel, and I thought, you know, you could future time travel, just manipulation of time. Basically, you stay above the Earth's atmosphere at a mile or go a gazillion miles an hour. Yeah. You'll come back, and you'll have lost time. Or no, you'll be ahead. You'll be ahead. You'll be still 30, but everyone will be 100 years old. Right.

So I was new to that, but I got really excited when I read his article that you could go back in the past. Like, wait a second. You can do that? You know, you can possibly. They think you could only go back to the moment the first time a machine was invented. But that's just theoretical, too. I had this argument with Brandon Christie about this, and the whole thing about time travel

is like, doesn't time, once it's exposed, isn't it all a moot point after that? You know what I mean? But that's what they talk about with the grandfather clause. If you go back and you shoot your grandfather, then that makes it impossible for you to time travel. But that doesn't because I think that just means you break time. They didn't take

that option into consideration when people talk about that story. The grandfather paradox, they always say, well, if you did go back in time, you'd kill your grandfather

before your father was ever born, therefore you would never exist to make the time machine. But that doesn't mean you couldn't do that. You could still do that.

People say, well, that means you couldn't have a time machine. Well, yeah, you could. You could. You would just do that and then you'd

break everything. Right. It would be like a parallel life. Kind of like Back to the future was there was two 1955 that's when it becomes string theory it goes off into another there's people that believe and this is a very strange theory but it might be just as real as the one we live in that they believe that every second you live your life every every decision you make, everything you do, all the energy that you put out guides you into various parallel dimensions. Yeah.

And that we are not just living in one dimension. That we are living in an infinite number of dimensions that are all around us all the time. And we can choose to slide through these dimensions with our thoughts. Oh, wow. to slide through these dimensions with our thoughts. Oh, wow. As you live your life, as you live your life correctly, as you live your life in the direction that you want to do with little procrastination and focus and love and joy,

as you do this correctly, you move through higher and higher dimensions. They all exist all around us. Pretty much what Buddhism teaches, too, in the whole thought. And even with the yogis, they know about that through meditation and time travel. Well, I don't know if they know about that. I mean, you can't say they know about that. Yeah, they canis, they know about that through meditation and time travel. I don't know if they know about that. You can't say they know about it. It's a theory. It's an idea.

Western science has come along and started to pick up and ask why and find the things in the brain that make it possible. Did you guys see the thing on CNN last week with the alleged time traveler lady? Oh, yeah, that's nonsense. First of all, they're crazy people back then too. People aren't even paying nonsense. There were crazy people back then, too. People aren't even paying attention.

They had hearing aids back then. What's crazy is that video became big and then the next day all the places were like, no, it's just a hearing aid, but yet I still get emails every day from people. I get Twitter messages all day. Is time travel real? Yeah, there's cell phone towers in 1910. How is this

fucking phone working? Who's this cunt calling? Yeah, who is she with? This bitch calling the future? She's calling from the past to the future because otherwise it's not a fucking phone for her to be calling. Right.

It would have been more realistic if she was just like staring at it. I'm not impressed by someone holding their ear up to their head. Well, yeah, that one was just, they wanted to throw it out there and they knew that they couldn't back it up. Like CNN ran it.

It was like, you know, and I want to believe. What the fuck is CNN knew that they couldn't back it up. CNN ran it. Why? What the fuck is CNN running that for? It was the front page, too. That's just so distracting. That's so stupid and distracting. And you know, as much as I love time travel, I was like, come on, don't make a mockery of time travel by showing crap like that. That's what really sucks. Think about if you could even time travel.

If you could go to the 80s and whip out your iPhone, you'd get arrested for witchcraft, dude. I mean, they would stomp you to death if they saw that thing. If you go 10 years ago, that would happen to you. You know what I mean? It's like the way technology... I think in our lifetime... The kids today... It's true. It's like the kids today...

We're closer to kids who grew up in the 1940s. We're closer to cavemen. Exactly. The way things have changed... Dude, I'm watching kids today growing up with porn from the get-go. These kids are like 13. They're taking it in the ass. Right. They think that's what you're supposed to do.

You know? I mean, it's the chickens have come home to roost. Yeah. All those shitty parents out there that make porn stars, all those shitty parents have infected other people's kids as well through porn. Yeah. They're getting porn on their PlayStation. They're just taking pictures of their pussies and shit and sending them throughout class.

People are, kids are filthy today. Dirty little fucks. I was cleaning my laptop out last night going through all this shit just trying to make room for it because it's just crazy crowded. And I'm just going through all these videos and I found out that like if you have the mail app and you have like a gmail account on there it will download everything from your gmail account every video every photo at least that's the setting i had and so i was like where's all my hard drive space so i'm going through all this shit and there was videos that people had sent me that must have went to spam folders you know like crazy videos like you know just spam videos and stuff one of them was this woman where they were taking that

have you you've all seen this where the the the funnel with the putting the eels in the woman and then it starts shooting out like salmon while i'm showing my this girl i just met i'm like doing this in front of her and she looks over she goes what the fuck are you looking at i'm like i don't know but that's just crazy to think like somebody sent me that video if i ever lose my laptop and the FBI goes, hey, let's go see what's in this laptop. Oh, he has videos of a young girl with salmons coming out of their ass. Oh, my God. How old was the girl? No, I'm not saying.

Salmons are big. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying. Yeah, I was going to say. Upstream. But that video exists on my laptop without me knowing is what I'm talking about. Right, right. Yeah.

It could be anything. Yeah. It could be child porn. Yeah, right. It could be anything. It could be child porn. That's what I'm saying, but that was kind of scary, so fuck the mail app. Well, that's the thing, too. It's like that desensitized. Think if you're in third grade and you see that, like, you know, around fifth grade

we'd get a Debbie Does Dallas tape. Somebody's dad would have it. Somebody would have the balls to gank it while his old man was drunk, and it would pass around eighth grade, you know, like everybody got to see it. And you put it back, and you gave it back to the kid but that was that was pretty much porn then it's like now yeah they can look at it on their cell phone in class yeah their iphones yeah iphones get the html5 is like the standard for porn sites now because because the

iphones don't use flash yeah so all these porn sites are switching to html5 and that's you can watch that shit on your iphone dude what a what a gangster move that was on steve jobs part two he's a bad motherfucker he goes he goes you know what i won't put flash needs to catch up with me i mean that was just like that was just like 85 of the animated websites on the internet use it he's like no no you know back in the day when you liked a girl you would like hey meet me at the big toy and i'll finger you or touch your boobs or stuff nowadays they're just like hey go to the bathroom at the big toy and I'll finger you or touch your boobs or stuff. Nowadays, they're just like, hey, go to the bathroom and finger your pussy

and I'm going to go into the bathroom and finger my dick and then we're going to FaceTime it. We're going to FaceTime it on the third grade Wi-Fi network.

Can you imagine what these kids are doing nowadays with FaceTime and kids and stuff? They're making porn. It should also honestly make for some really

smart fucking kids, though. Yes. If they use the knowledge, there's going to be some smart fucking kids. Yeah, they'll be so much more aware than we were at that age. Yeah, they're going to be much, much more advanced. I didn't know anything at that age. I didn't know a damn thing. When I was 18, I'd get very uncomfortable around people who were religious

because I thought maybe they knew something. I thought maybe they were in on something and they were more powerful were like more powerful oh wow they believed it that's what i thought when i was 18 that's how fucking dumb i was i wasn't i was religious when i was younger and then when i was 18 i was like because when you're young you're fucking dumb man oh yeah i have no access to information there's no fucking internet when i was a kid i had the people in my neighborhood in school yeah is that shit anywhere grounded inside your brain though like it does it ever come out where you're sitting there like like like after earthquake you're like jesus lord you bring out your rosary and stuff and you say no no it's not at all no it's gone were you big time were you were you catholic yeah i was raised catholic when i was in first grade

and then uh immediately thought it was horse shit because the first grade was so horrible this fucking cunt nun that i had sister mary josephine this fucking crazy bitch she was just incarnate evil just an evil dried up old woman who wasted her life on some nonsense and fucking hated kids were you super religious growing up no not at all my parents were an interracial couple it's like already that oh, ready? That's just kind of like, come on. You do a lot of cocaine. My parents, though, what happened with me is I went from this religious upbringing from Catholic school in first grade to moving to San Francisco in second grade with my mother's new husband, who was a hippie. Oh, wow. Computer programmer with long hair. So my dad was this cop, douchebag in Jersey.

And I grew up in that Catholic, hey, you're not in the Lord's name in vain. Son of a bitch, they slap you in the head. I grew up in that. People would just smack you in the head for no reason. And then I grew up in that. And then all of a sudden, hippies in San Francisco. So it was a total trip. My next door neighbors were these gay dudes who used to get naked and hang out with my aunt.

Because my aunt didn't worry about them fucking her because they were gay. Gay as fuck. Big, muscular black guy. Wow. Dark, black, Africa, Kenya. Right? Black as fuck. He'd just be naked walking around his house.

Loves the butt. And his boyfriend. And both of them would just, then they all would get together and just smoke weed and take their clothes off. Wow. Wow. Nobody fucked. Nobody did anything.

They'd just lie around smoking weed. And I knew about this when I was seven. Wow. So I went from this fucking crazy primate jungle of Jersey Italians. Yeah, chest beating. Snacking each other and throwing shit at each other. It's just like being in a chimp cage, right? So I went from that to hippies and gay dudes who are naked smoking weed, hanging out with my aunt. That is hilarious, dude.

This is the craziest fucking 180 ever. And you got good parts of both, though, wouldn't you say? Like, good parts of, like, you know, the progressive thoughts and ideas, but also that, you know, you're not your typical pussy comic. I'll tell you that much.

The East Coast thing is where men are forced to become men at a quick age. You get fucked with. Dudes are looking to kick your ass. A lot of the West Coast people, it's a little more relaxed than that. And it's good.

It's good that it's more relaxed than that. But I think it creates people that are a little more confused. Yeah, there does seem to be a survival of the fittest element in the Jersey, New York area. A lot of smart people there too, man. You can talk to some stressed out smart in the Jersey, New York area. Yeah. A lot of the kids are into that. There's a lot of smart people there, too, man. Yeah. Talk to some stressed out, smart motherfuckers in New York.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. They're intense, man. They're fucking stressed out. Yeah, yeah. They want to step outside for a cigarette? Step outside. You don't even know what's going on

with Lehman Marcus and the fuck. The whole way the system is set up, it's impossible for them to fail. What they're doing is they're getting fucking paid. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. These are smart, super intense motherfuckers.

It's like, I have to choose what I do here because I can go with you on this crusade. Right are smart, super intense motherfuckers. And you're like, I have to choose what I do here because I can go with you on this crusade and lose my life to this crazy type of thinking or I can go,

yeah, I'm going to go to California and I'm going to smoke some pot and relax. This definitely is. There is an intensity on the East Coast. I mean,

there's definitely a reason all the Ivy League schools are on the East Coast. It's like, there's an intensity there and there's a fervor about things. I believe part of it has to do

with dealing with weather. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I think that dealing with weather is a humbling thing and I think it makes you, you know, you have to stockpile food

for the winter. Sure. And you didn't just have to do it in 1950. You had to do it in 1850 when there's no refrigerators. Right. Okay?

And a lot of those people that lived there are the ancestors from people that lived, I mean, those are the people that established it. And the other people,

if they weren't there 200 years ago they were in another country okay and they took a chance coming over on a fucking boat someplace they've never seen when there was no movies about it no internet they had to hear stories from someone a letter you know dear john i have made it here to the new land yeah oh the fruit is plenty. It is prosperous. The brown people are strange. Yeah. They have paint on their face. Gold is everywhere. Come soon.

Right. So they just took chances and fucking got on boats and traveled across a goddamn ocean when there's no GPS, no cell phones, no fucking flares. Yeah. Bitch, if that fucking boat goes down, you're done. Yeah, that's it. You're in the middle of the ocean, which is bigger than the continent. On a gamble for a maybe.

Goddamn it. You're just hoping to float it out? You crazy asshole. That's how bad Europe sucked. Europe sucked so bad in the 1700s. Dudes were willing to get dysentery and cholera. What would they get? Scurvy from no vitamin C. They were fucking eating rats, bro, to stay alive.

People were dying. They were throwing them off the boat. A lot of people died. They would get sick. Everyone would get ill. Yeah, the plague. That's why they'd rather come here to nothing. Yeah.

To have an established roads and shit. We had nothing. And then we built our own. We made our own. Yeah, they came to trees and water. And they're like, I'll take it. We'll take it. Get me the fuck away from these douchebags over there. Yeah, they came to trees and water, and they're like, I'll take it. We'll take it. Get me the fuck away from these douchebags over there.

Yeah, exactly. And they kept the attitude, too, especially on the East Coast, where they colonized. They just kept the attitude. And I think it seems to me that the West Coast is all slowly, as far as you get out, a big percentage of those people are going to be the children of the people who originally landed. Oh, right. They're going to be the people that got there.

Everybody landed on the east, pretty much. Then they go, well, fuck this place. Let's keep moving west. They kept going and going and going. The people that made it all the way here, it's almost like spoiled children. You know what I'm saying? It's almost like they don't appreciate what it takes to make all this happen.

You're lucky. You're just in a lucky spot. You found a spot where it doesn't snow and it doesn't get too hot. Yeah. And it hardly ever rains. It's an easy spot to live. It really is. And they say it does something to the psyche as far as, you know, the lack of change kind

of almost puts us in a trance. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, where you gear up for winter back east and all that. I do like the idea of socializing there on the east coast. They are a lot more social with each other. And like, if you're in New York, you can see a real heated debate get really heated but never come to blows.

Where on the West Coast, it would come to blows. This comes to stupid when it comes to. Exactly. We don't cross paths with each other as much as they do. We don't share a confined space. It's real spread out here. It always has been. Well, they walk.

Yeah, they walk. No one walks here. Oh, not at all. In California, there's no walking. So it's a it's a worse much worse setup because you're so disconnected from all the people around you right that's why it's like there's such a big contrast between the haves and haves nots here sure it's the most obvious this is the most bling bling part of the country yeah one of the reasons why it's because

you feel disconnected from all the people that you're around you're not touching them you're not in contact with them you're not on the subway with them you're not walking on the street interacting with them and because of that you feel like you're disconnected from them you feel that you're around. You're not touching them. You're not in contact with them. You're not on the subway with them. You're not walking down the street interacting with them. And because of that, you feel like you're disconnected from them. You feel like you're not a part of them. They're something else and it makes a separatism

between the two gaps. And there's a lack of respect for each other and it's like, that's the thing is, you don't hear, you know, the most racist, homophobic people

are places where there aren't any. Yeah. You know, which is so funny because it's just so... I will never understand people who hate gay people because out of all the gay people

I've ever met, 70% of them were entertaining as fuck. Dude, the nicest, happiest people in the world. They're like little teddy bears that have dicks and they're trying to fuck you.

Jeff, the piano guy? Oh, yeah. Was he one of the coolest motherfuckers of all time? He's so cool. So cool. Creative, cool, loyal. I mean, a great guy. Why would you care if it had nothing to do with you? That's what I don't get. So cool. Creative, cool, loyal. A great guy.

Why would you care if it had nothing to do with you? That's what I don't get. The real prejudice should be against people who are prejudiced against gay people. Right. What the fuck is wrong with you? Right. That's like being, look, it sounds like a terrible thing to say, but it's like being upset at someone for any other physical animality. Sure.

Being short. Yeah. You know, having a physical animality. Sure. Like being short. Yeah. You know, having a big fucking nose. Exactly. You hate people that have a big nose? He's born gay. Right. If you don't think someone's born gay, hang out with gay people.

Right. Who chooses it? They will all tell you, man. Right. Almost to a man. They all were like, when I was seven, I looked at the catalogs and I got hard on. Right. I didn't know why.

Right. Sports Illustrated made my dick tingle. They all tell you that, man. There's some deep-seated fear that they have it within them if they hate them, I think. There's some dudes that could be pushed into it

and I think they're very scared. Yeah, those are very scared. There's a lot of on-the-fence people. There's a lot of people that are also wired to do what they're not supposed to do. There's a lot of people that are just wired

to do shit that's wrong. I think it has something to do with people that like blowjob videos. Guys that like blowjob videos. Guys that like blowjob videos. Well, I think, no, I think some dudes, for real, like, some dudes are so dumb that they're so, like, they fight the system

no matter what. They're wired to not do what they're supposed to do. Oh, right, right. But if they're in a situation where they're drunk and they're with a guy, the situation to not do is not let this guy suck your dick. Right.

But they might be so crazy and stupid and be like, all right, let's see what this is like. Oh, you want to do this shit? Just because I don't give a fuck, bro. I'll do whatever. And I know we all have guys in our head that we're thinking of. But it's just like, and probably some of the same guys, too. Especially within this thing, when you meet guys like that.

I've met so many. One we were talking about earlier in your kitchen. Yeah, there's a lot of them out there. There's a lot of people that are a mess. But still, man, the prejudice against hating gay people to me is one of the most disturbing ones. It's getting exposed that it ain't cool, though.

It's definitely there, but some really cool people are starting to say, knock it off. It has to be, because I want to be able to use the word faggot and not worry about anything. You can. I don't want anybody thinking I'm a goddamn homophobe, because I'm not at all. Not even a little bit. And I want to be able to use the word faggot and not worry about anything. You can't. I don't want anybody thinking I'm a goddamn homophobe because I'm not at all, not even a little bit. And I want to be able to make fun of crazy people like Ted Haggard and not be called a homophobe. Oh, right.

Or this Eddie Long character that's been banging kids. There's a lot of these crazy religious assholes that are pretending to be straight. Really, they're gay and they're fucking people. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with being gay. What I'm talking about is some crazy liar. I'm not talking about

two people that are in a consensual relationship and they enjoy each other's company and they both happen to be guys. What do I give a fuck about that? What's funny to me is crazy assholes like Ted Haggard.

Oh yeah, who go on a crusade. Super religious and doing meth and getting hookers on Craigslist. Just loking out. but it's a funny thing whereas if you start making fun of that guy all of a sudden you're you're making fun of all

games yeah that's that's where it's getting it's getting kind of ridiculous it's like you still have to be able to like you know you gotta be able to make fun of everything if it's valid there's hood people and we make fun of them it's not like we're making fun of all black people like remember that everybody getting raped in here remember the the internet what is that the one where everybody getting raped in here it's like we were made fun of that person not all black people it's just that person same with the flamboyant gay or the guy hiding it i mean guys like haggard that's hilarious it's like you find out he's not just gay but he's the most devious just disgusting like like it's almost like a Law & Order episode. It's so bad.

It's like, are you kidding me? I loved the gay hooker that he was banging and went on CNN. My man just outed him. He's like, yeah, I'm a gay hooker. He just went on CNN and admitted he was a gay prostitute. And he had sex several times with Ted Haggard and they smoked meth together and shit.

So brilliant. Whoa! That guy got on CNN! I think he probably got more dick after that. I bet his fucking roster was stocked every day. Oh, Haggard? No, the gay hooker. I bet that was the best thing for his business ever. If he was smart,

he would have said, I'll go on. Just poke my website up there. Plug my website. He got Bible butt. Gaymilitary.com That kind of guy, when they find out about guys like that, I just love it. You never think you're going to see that kind of justice in your life. I know. There's no way.

You're like, how is this for me? Exactly. It's like a gift from the universe. Like to see Rush Limbaugh really get his or somebody like that. You know what I mean? When he was hooked on Oxycontin, so it was pretty close. Homeboy was taking 100 Oxy's a day and go ranting on against you don't just kick that well it made him go deaf how about that he was doing so many oxys he lost

his hearing holla oh that's what what the how the fuck does that work i'll alex jones explained the medical reasoning behind it to me i don't remember, nor do I know if it's correct. Yeah. And it makes sense to me. I don't think, look, you go deaf, and by the way, you happen to be doing 100 oxys a day? That might be related. I can't believe he's alive. That fat fuck was throwing down 100.

I can't hear, but I'm going to continue to use it because I like getting high. You can do a Rush Limbaugh, man. We need to make some parody. Yes, Rush Limbaugh. Yes. I buy this off of a liberal. Brody. But can do a Rush Limbaugh, man. We need to make some parodies. Yes, Rush Limbaugh. Yes. I buy this off of a liberal. But I do them. It's so funny. That guy's just tuned into that dumb, dumb ideology. That just

dumb, dumb, you know, I'm a fucking patriot. I'm here to, there's a good God Christian loving country here and we need to support all these goddamn hippies out there and liberals they're trying to take down

this democracy this great thing that was founded in 17 blah blah blah and they'll just start rattling off facts and numbers you think he believes all that

you think no he's an act they're acts they know they're acts they're all acts they know it's far more complex than that but it's

that position is an excellent profit position you can make a lot of fucking money being the super patriot guy rallying against the liberals. Nobody wants to be a pussy. Liberals are

pussies. That's the problem. People go, what are you, a rogue? Don't tell me you're a liberal. Don't tell me I want freedom. Don't tell me I want the ability to express yourself unhindered. I believe in the First Amendment. I think gay people should be willing to do whatever the fuck they want to do or allowed to do whatever the fuck they want to do.

People should be able to get married. Hate crime shouldn't be real. I think we should figure out how to fucking clean up the ghettos i think we should figure out how to use some of our taxes to fucking help out little kids that are born into some shit position and it's supposed to be all within the jurisdiction of this country so yeah why aren't we approaching them so if that makes me a liberal yeah i'm a liberal everything you've named, a lot of people are scared to realize that they are. I have a lot of friends, especially back in Arizona growing up there, who are like, bro, I'm conservative. It's like, look at you.

You look like a rapper right now. You're not conservative. You quote Tupac. You're not conservative. You're just not. When people think of conservative, a lot of it is in support of big business. And that's a problem, because they say, well, hey, this is fucking capitalism. That's why this country is so great.

I totally am in favor of big business. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this cool shit. But the problem is big business likes to act like it's not a person, like it's above being a person. If big business was a person and did all this shit, it would get sued and closed down and arrested. He'd be an asshole. Halliburton. There's $90 billion missing from Iraq. $90 billion.

If Halliburton was a dude and he's like, I don't know, it's fucking gone, man. They're like, Bob, there's $90 billion missing. $90,000 million. Where the fuck is it? I don't know. You couldn't fucking do that.

They would arrest that guy. That guy would be in shackles in the court. That would be the number one story on the news. Ever, yeah. Bob Halliburton in the court today doesn't know where he put the $90 billion. It's like misplacing a state. Like, where's Wyoming? Fuck, it's 90.

Where did Wyoming go? Think of that number. $90 billion. That is so huge that is that is such a sizable piece of money that could do so much for every state in the nation that they would notice it i'm talking major shit they're missing so much money over there they're missing money from the the mercenary accounts they're missing i don't know where the fuck anything is going that's amazing you know that monsanto the fucking corporation, the genetically modified food corporation, the one that sells seeds to farmers and then makes the farmer buy new seeds next year,

and you can't use the seeds. No wax seeds. Yeah. You can't reuse them. Nature intends. If you buy a fucking tomato and that tomato has seeds in it, or you buy seeds for the tomato, grow the tomato, and then take the seeds out of the tomatoes you grow and replant them, they'll arrest you.

You're breaking the law. You're breaking the law. They just bought Blackwater. Jeez. They... Oh, dude. Jeez. The devil just bought...

The most evil corporation bought the second most evil corporation. That is awful. I saw what they did to those poor farmers, those poor guys. They're like, what am I supposed to do? They're like, you're growing seeds, aren't you? A chick named Crooklyn from Tap Out Radio sent me a documentary, and I watched it. And it's all about these people from these impoverished countries that committed suicide because they couldn't repay the debt that they owed to Monsanto. Oh, my God.

Dude, it's all about how what they figured out was if you could get patents on plants, if you could modify a plant, get a patent on it, then you own it, then you copyright that plant. It's yours. No one else can grow it. You can control it, just like downloads on the internet. It's fucking nuts, man. They figured out a way to do that with food. They figured out a way to copyright food.

It's like their food. When I saw a bunch of those, the King Corn and all those other ones, I was, honest to God, completely naive about the whole thing. I don't eat fast food. It's like their food. When I saw that, I saw, you know, a bunch of those, the King Corn and all those other ones. I was, I was honest to God completely naive about the whole thing. I don't eat fast food and that kind of crap,

but I was like, I think I'm doing okay, but I don't realize it doesn't matter that I'm getting the choice cut of beef at Ralph's. It's still from this

corn-fed, you know, slaughterhouse. They said there was something like 14,000 slaughterhouses in America in the early 80s

and now there's like five. Really? Literally. It's all going down through one company. Tyson Farms. And I can't remember the other one. But it's like literally your meat is all. And it's like if one's bad, that's why people are getting sick with E. coli all over in mass numbers.

Because it's like nothing's regionalized anymore. It's all centralized. It's like we make it here. We chop the meat up. We put the bad with the good, and we sell it to you. It's like unless you're getting shit from a farmer that you know is a farmer or your local. Luckily, here we've got them, farmer's markets. But it's just disgusting.

That's another fucked up thing about people, the disconnect between the meat and your food, the disconnect between where it comes from oh yeah there's a there's a big disconnect there you know i've told people that i want to go hunting i'm supposed to go hunting with ricky schroeder this season oh and uh ricky schroeder loves to hunt really it's kind of crazy but uh um but and i tell people about they're like why would you want to kill an animal why would you want to do that i'm like you eat meat don't you eat meat someone's killing that well you know what i don't have to see it if i don't have to see it i don't want to see it right you don't want to see it but you're experiencing what comes from it

and that's like there's there's a disconnect there that can never be healthy yeah you can never be healthy to be eating animals and not know what it feels like to kill an animal right yeah you're right about that it can't because you're not going to appreciate it yeah i mean you think about the people that we consider the most in tune with nature those are the american indians right those are the ones that we always glorify and we always say that these are the guys that were in tune with the... They used every part of the buffalo that they killed. Yeah, they didn't waste anything. They lived harmoniously

with the earth. And they would praise the spirit of the animal that provided them with food. This respect for their own prey was very prevalent throughout their culture. Respect for the buffalo and all these, respect for the buffalo

and all these different stories about the buffalo and their fallen. And slaughtered them all. Dude, you want to talk about how distracting human beings can be.

That's one of the greatest stories ever. Oh, yeah. Just how many they slaughtered. Just slaughtered them in how short a time. There was millions of them. They used to be

all over the place. Buffalo used to be overwhelming all over this country. I'd freak out if I saw one once. I've seen one in my i've seen one in my life that'd be crazy yeah and they just went just nutty shooting all of them and taking their skins that was like a big business shooting buffaloes and selling their skins yeah and then they didn't know they were picking them off like what you know just like cherries in the beginning because they didn't know to be afraid of man because they never

they never had been and they never heard a gun yeah you know they didn't know to be afraid of man because they never had been and they never heard a gun. Yeah. They didn't know to scatter when they heard that gun. They just went, boom, one would drop. Boom, another would drop. Talk about a fucking species getting jacked. Yeah. Species living forever in this one spot, having no problems, eating grass, wandering around, and all of a sudden these little pink monkeys with metal bang sticks come out of nowhere and just start dropping motherfuckers.

We talk about an alien invasion, man. How terrifying must that shit have been to Buffalo? Oh, I know. That's like an alien invasion. That's like fucking We Are the War of Worlds. Right. We are the world.

We are the world. It would be like We Are the World. All the monkeys are holding hands with the buffalo. Dude, think about how fucking freaky that would be if buffalo were intelligent and this just started happening and they were just stuck with these goofy buffalo bodies. I mean, look at dolphin bodies.

Dolphins can't really move anything around. They can't manipulate things. They're kind of stuck just as much as buffalo are. You just can't say that man doesn't have an effect on his environment because that's the first series of evidence that proves that. Fuck, dude. We wiped out Indians, buffaloes, everything. Yeah, dude. We make shit

extinct and then we bring a thing or two back like the california condo again but it was like who yeah right keep that spotted owl healthy that little prick who in my front yard that owl i hate that prick i hate it i hate this owl that lives in my neighborhood bro i see this motherfucker at night he's big like a dog yeah dude owls are no joke they're not they are big and fucking scary and they're like the most ruthless predators owls attack eagles yeah they go in eagles nests while eagles are sleeping and kill them how about that those are those fucking talons they get you man i've seen them jack rabbits around here man oh yeah it's a trip you're like you're watching like wild kingdom type shit right right on my street it's weird. There's a bird of prey living in our front yard.

A big one. And when he gets loud at night, I'm just like, please be quiet. It's just so scary. It's like you hear it coming from his diaphragm. He's a man. Yeah, it's like a man. It's like a 60-pound animal. There's a dude out in the tree.

I mean, I don't know how much they actually weigh, but it looks like if it was a dog, it would be like a 50-pound dog. I'm willing to bet they get that big. Five, six-foot wingspan. It's a flying cat. There was one outside, bigger than a cat, way bigger than a cat. There was one outside my window the other day. He was just sitting on my railing.

The motherfucker was, he had to be almost three feet tall. Wow. It was gigantic. A big fucking gray thing. Yeah. And I'm looking, I'm like, that's like a demon. It's this thing that only comes out at night and just jacks things. Takes advantage of the fact that everyone else is sleeping and just fucks things.

You've got to think like the first person to see. I always think that about silverback gorillas. Compared to men, they were discovered pretty recently in the grand scheme of things. I think the mountain gorilla in the 50s was like the first time somebody came across this healthy, furry, black man. I'm half black black by the way audience just to get that out of the way hey man who the um but uh like just this a monster monster there's a hundred pound ferocious vegetarian like and nobody would believe you little dicks little tiny ones yeah peaceful animals at that too you notice them versus the chimps the chimps

are the ones with the loose screws yeah they start clapping you know out of control they're like gangs but the the gorilla just eats and sleeps well they're vegetarians that's the difference yeah that's clearly a difference but i mean they figured out a way to to supply their body with just plants so there's no need to be aggressive except to protect themselves are you are you a vegetarian no do you know uh herschel walker yesel Walker? Yes. Is his diet real? It may not be. Bread? It doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't make any sense. You couldn't maintain mass. Apparently, Herschel Walker is one of those guys, and he's a tremendous athlete and an incredible competitor. He's a great football player, and he's been a great spokesperson for depression and for brain injuries and shit like that. He's a bad motherfucker, and he's a tremendous athlete. I'm very impressed with the way he gets into Strikeforce. But the knock on him is that he wants people to think and know that he's extraordinary. He is extraordinary as an athlete.

He's got extraordinary work ethic, extraordinary abilities. But he wants people to think that he's something out of this world. So he'll say something like, I don't know this is true. This is just what I've heard. what i've heard is that he'll say well i only eat a bowl of soup a day meanwhile he's fucking eating food man look at him yeah he weighs 220 pounds he would disappear exactly that's the thing stop it with your crazy talk he's massive his traps start from the bottom of his ears and i don't necessarily believe his diet yeah i'm a huge fan yeah he's i mean i've heard my whole life heard my whole life growing up, they're like, he only does pushups.

He only does prison work. Yeah. I mean, he does. He does. I bought that. But the meal thing, I was like, there's no way. It doesn't make any sense. Your body would eat it.

Your muscles would continue to eat themselves. There's no food. That's not enough calories. Yeah. It's not, that's ridiculous. It doesn't make any sense. It's just, it's like one plus one is 89. Right.

That's what you're saying to me. You're saying you eat a bowl of soup every day? Okay. And you weigh 220 and you fucking do MMA workouts for three hours a day and you're 47. Exactly. Yeah. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You just said some nonsense. I'm God. I don't know what, I mean, I don't know what he's really eating. I don't even know what he really said, but I've heard people that were very knowledgeable, that were professional fitness people, instructors and, you know, and, and personal trainers, fight trainers, and nutritionists.

I've heard a conversation amongst six guys, and they were all saying, there's no fucking way. There's no way. There's no way. Even with supplements, there's no way. It's like, this guy's eating food. He has to eat foods. You have to.

Some guys go vegan. There's a lot of guys that are vegans. That's pretty extreme. Antonio McKee is a very successful wrestler. He's really good. He's been undefeated for like I think six, seven years in a row just fucking takes guys down

outworks them he's a vegan straight vegan Mac Danzig he's another one straight vegan what's the deal though how do you get

I mean how do you get your protein it's like I could never be one I mean quinoa is the best source because quinoa is this grain delicious yeah it's spelled quinona

it's spelled like q-u-i-o-n-a or something like that it's so awesome yeah it's really good and it's spelled quinona. It's spelled like Q-U-I-O-N-A or something like that. It's so awesome. Yeah, it's really good. And it's a grain that has all the amino acids in it. But if you have like hemp protein, you're not going to get all of them. And if you have like rice protein, you're not going to get all of them. You don't get the same stuff that you get out of meat unless you're very careful.

You've got to be really careful with your protein. I mean, is it better to be a vegetarian, do you think? I don't think so. Not necessarily. It's an interesting story when Travis Barker from Blink 180, whatever the fuck it is. What is he from? You know, that guy got in a terrible plane crash.

Right, with the DJ. When he got fucked up in that plane crash, that's when he became a meat eater. Because the skin grafts weren't taking. Skin grafts weren't taking, and then once he started eating meat, they started taking. Wow. I've been eating hardcore vegan for the last couple weeks. How many dicks you suck in those times? But I've been only doing it like 90% of the time, meaning I still throw in steak and stuff like that here and there.

So I'm not doing 100% vegan, but I have noticed since I've been eating it, I still throw in steak and stuff like that here and there. So I'm not doing 100% vegan. But I have noticed since I've been eating it, I just feel way better. Well, you need to clean your diet up. Vegan cheese, by the way, is so awesome. For you, you need to clean your diet up. You know that. Well, I've always been eating healthy for Weight Watchers because I've been doing Weight Watchers for like four years. So I'm still, I'm not eating.

You still do Weight Watchers? Yeah, I've been on Weight Watchers, too, this whole time. But you'll fluctuate. You'll like back and forth what i'm saying is that there's you're obviously not watching it all the time and if you do and you all of a sudden get on this trick thing like like a vegan diet when you're getting all these nutrients and all this fiber and all this water in your system you're gonna feel way better for sure you know but a lot of it is because i've been eating a shitload of quinoa, though. That's my new favorite thing. Quinoa.

Quinoa, yeah. Like I said, it's spelled funky. But it's protein? Yeah, what they say is the most complete plant-based protein. There's a place called Swingers that makes the best. You just go there and get a side of it. I make protein shakes. I put hemp protein in it. Hemp protein is pretty good.

But whey protein really is better. That's what I was doing. I was doing 150 grams of the whey protein. But you know what? Strangely enough, I developed a kidney stone shortly after that. I whey protein really is better. That's what I was doing. I was doing 150 grams of the whey protein. But you know, strangely enough, I developed a kidney stone shortly after that. I'd rather get shot next time.

Gotta drink water, son. Yeah, I'm drinking a lot more now. Very important. Even better than water. You ever have coconut water? No. Oh, shit, son.

Oh, you got coconut water over here? Shit, I got some coconut water It's the best coconut water. It's called O2C. Somebody brought it in to jujitsu class one night. It's called O2C. Somebody brought it in to jiu-jitsu class one night. It's called CO2.

CO2. C2O. Instead of H2O. Yeah, C2O. It's fucking awesome. Sweet. Way better than that Coconut One or whatever it's called. Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.

Is this thing still on? Because it just crashed. Yeah, it's cool. This coconut water is the fucking bomb diggity, folks. And it's super healthy for you. Coconut water, if you look at it, it's cool. This coconut water is the fucking bomb diggity, folks. And it's super healthy for you. Coconut water, if you look at it, it's like nutritional profile. It's way better for you than sports drinks.

It's like the best for you right after you get done working out. Sweet. It's delicious, too. It is good. So you got to take care of your body, son. That's all we're talking about here. Fitness and shit.

I just started. I'm 31 now. By the way, I have to say this one more time because people complain when someone goes, I'm a vegetarian. I go, how many dicks you suck? I'm not serious, okay? Fucking relax with the tweets. You ignorant asshole.

Vegetarianism does not equal gay. If you're down with animal suffering and cruelty, it's just a joke, man. Do you think Mr. Rogers was gay? Because I watched it the other day, and I felt like I was watching myself getting raped or something. I was like, whoa, this creepy guy. Oh my God, he's so gay now.

There's a lot of characters like that, or like Mr. Wizard that couldn't be around today, like old guy doing experiments in the basement. I think Mr. Rogers was probably one of those guys that was gay but he never did he didn't do anything because he didn't want to ruin his reputation he was like dexter he kept his he probably home and cried he probably had three secrets you know that haunted him maybe yeah rogers is a pillar in the woods yeah something probably happened him in that but that drawing, the artist guy used to go on canoe trips

with kids. Did you know he was? Bob Ross. Oh yeah, Bob Ross. Me and Bob Ross are going to go canoeing with the kids this weekend. It's a beautiful day.

Are you battling impressions? I like, you know who I love is Huell Hauser. Yeah, sure, sure. Isn't he the best? He's only an LA guy before in the rest of the country.

He's this local guy and he's kind of a country bumpkin, but he's just as nice and as pleased with everything. You take him anywhere, he's like, wow, what's that? They'll be like, it's a water fountain. It's not even on the floor. Let's go. Oh, wow, what does it do?

But he's on PBS. It's one of these shows. You get so addicted to watching. It's such bad programming. You begin to love it, like really love it. And you just see this guy and he goes all around california kind of annoying people but he's likable you know what i mean and i saw him one time i lived in la hollywood for 10 years and i was like starstruck i was like now

there's a star heel hauser because you feel like you're the only one on earth watching his show well other people watch it too and it becomes entertaining what what is unentertaining and it's terrible right becomes so terrible becomes awesome too, and it becomes entertaining. What is unentertaining and is terrible becomes so terrible, it becomes awesome. Yeah, exactly. And then it becomes weird. It's like watching a really bad newscast or something. They don't know that it's... The problem with the guys that are like, they're doing unintentional comedy.

I don't know they're doing that. They don't know they're being brilliant. So when you talk to them, that's when you get bummed out. Oh, yeah. You start talking to them and... Because you're goofing on them. But they don't want to be goofed on. No.

I have a meeting with Oliver Stone. Yeah. Oh, God. Well, that sure is neat. Some dudes, they don't want to be that guy. Yeah. Who else is like that? Some people embrace it, though.

You take a Hasselhoff or somebody. William Shatner. That's the coolest guy ever. You know what I mean? It's like, I'm a douchebag, yes, but I'm a good one. It's just got that I know I'm a douche feeling to where you can't. No, he's not a douche. He's got so much, so many people tugging at him, you have to act a certain way.

You have to be able to distance yourself slightly from people. He embraces the caricature he is. You know what I mean? There's a little of that, but he's also, you know, he's a fucking talented guy. He's been around a long goddamn time. Dude, I worshiped him. And people probably fuck with him all day. Yeah. I don't know anything about Price, man. Yeah, exactly.

He was killer on the Twilight Zone. He's on the greatest Twilight Zone episode ever, Nightmare at 20,000 Feet. How crazy is my man Charlie Sheen? Oh, dude, I love it. The story just keeps getting better. How crazy is my man Charlie Sheen? If you don't know the story, Charlie Sheen got arrested in a hotel in New York City, coked up, screaming nigger while a prostitute was locked in his bathroom. A porn star prostitute.

A porn star prostitute. Who wasn't even black. Porn stars. Yeah, she wasn't black. Who wasn't even black. He just brought the word in. He wanted to get her to fuck him, but she wouldn't do anything until she got her money, and he couldn't find his money.

This is a story that Radar Online was saying. Right. So he fucking starts punching holes in the wall, screaming nigger. Yeah, I love that. When I heard that, I was like, it's getting so good now. It's like it can't get any better. The only way it can get better is if this bitch had her iPhone out. Please, please release the video.

I'm almost looking at this guy almost like, he's untouchable. This guy's untouchable. He's a bad motherfucker. He's a bad dude. He's got a raise. That's what I'm thinking. There's something going on there. Because I don't know if you guys remember like six months ago,

there was something to do with like Mexican gangs and those guys. And what guys? The cast of that show. The two dads and a kid. What? The nasty kid show. Somebody was trying to... His ex-wife hired a dude,

like Omar from The Wire or something, to go kill him. There was a hit put out on him. On Charlie Sheen? Yeah. No, on Ducky from... The other guy from the show.

The other guy from the show. Dude, that show is straight up gangster. You go see a filming of that. I like how you say straight up gangster and you do it with your hands. You're the least gangster man to ever exist. You go do a filming of that, there's probably some sketchy shit there.

There's probably crazy gang- And the worst thing is the show is awful. I know, it seems like it. That show is horrible. I don't understand if Mad Men was riddled with shit like that. I'd be like, that'd be pretty cool. But it's like, this show is the worst show ever

and it gets the best ratings ever. It's the biggest, it's the highest rated show, sitcom. What is the big deal behind this show? What do people like about it? You know, it's the one-liners. It's the quips. It's just, you know, it appeals to families, I guess. I don't know.

It's kind of, you know, I watch it because every girl I date for some reason likes that show. So I have that shit on my DVR. So once in a while, that's one of my go-to-bed shows. You're dating stupid whores. Yeah, I know. I am. But, like, I put it on before I go to bed. So I end up, like, half watching it.

And it's, you know, it's just fucking, it's a sitcom, you know? It's just, it's a sitcom. I only watched one part of one episode. I was like, all right, let's see what this is all about I gave it like 15 seconds I mean as a comedian you just can't people don't know

how hard it is to go from being a comedian to doing shitty comedy shitty comedy is hard doing a shitty sitcom, shitty sitcoms are brutality they're really hard to do they're terrible you've done sitcoms, what was your show again hard to do. They're terrible. You've done sitcoms. What was your show again, Frank?

Did you have a shitty one, man? I was on a shitty one. Frank TV. That wasn't a shitty one, was it? No, it was a decent sketch. It was small, I'll say. It was small. So it was like, you know,

definitely didn't, it wasn't like showing up to the set of, you know, a major network. It was TBS. But I had fun. It was enjoyable. But news radio, no, that's huge. Now, what was that like showing? It was TBS. But I had fun. It was enjoyable. But news radio, now that's huge. Now what was that like showing?

It wasn't huge. Did that become huge after? No, it became huge after. While we were on the air, I mean, we got to syndication, barely, but we were supposed to get 100 episodes. We accidentally did 98. But what happened with news radio is we just kept getting moved. We got moved nine times over the course of five seasons.

Yeah, we got moved like crazy. And you realize that a lot of what puts a sitcom in certain places, like Paul Sims used to talk about it, there was the shit sandwich between Friends, and there was something else that was on after Friends. Will and Grace or something. Something else that was good. And they would always sandwich these shitty shows in those spots before that.

And those shows would be huge. Like there was one called The Single single guy there was this terrible show you know really nice guy it was the star jonathan something or another yeah i remember super nice guy but the show was terrible it just wasn't good but meanwhile i was getting giant monster ratings yes so people would watch it and you know sims would bitch and we would get moved around and we were on like tuesday and sunday and wednesday and monday we just got moved around. And we were on, like, Tuesday and Sunday and Wednesday and Monday. We just got to get moved all over the place. And no one even – when the show got canceled, it partially was because Phil Hartman got killed.

And so the last season we did with Lovitz. And the season – the last season, for a couple reasons, wasn't as good. It wasn't as good because we had a different executive producer because Paul Sims was working on this other thing called Overseas that I was the star of. It was another sitcom that they were trying to do on nbc and part of it was because phil was gone and it was a totally different vibe right now so we had you know john lovitz who was very funny but he's very different and we had to kind of adjust and everybody was all fucked up because you know just a few months ago the dude was hanging out with us and now he's murdered and we have to like do a whole episode where we have to talk about how he died.

And then this guy, the Lovitz character, gets introduced. So that was part of the reason why I got canceled. But the other reason was it wasn't that successful. They would come in. We got moved around so many times. The writers would come in, like this guy, Lou Morton, who's hilarious. Very, very funny writer. And this motherfucker got me addicted

to Quake he was the guy who got me addicted because he was really good at it and we would battle back and forth at work

because they had a whole Quake local area network set up there he used to come in on the day

of the ratings were released with whatever number we were because it became like a joke written on his t-shirt

and he came in one day and it said 88 we were 88th out of all the shows on tv were 88 wow especially what in 97 98 were there even that many shows on tv shows and see we're like whoa wow or we might have been 84th it was in the 80s but i mean the thing is that weren't you just glad to show up and be working in hollywood you know i mean definitely absolutely

what i'm saying is just look i i people would always bitch people on the set would be like this is fucking bullshit you know why does you know caroline in the city get to be on they would call caroline in the shitty you know you see the new promo for caroline the shitty fucking show is terrible there was a lot of that going on there was a lot of that going on like on the set but there was also a lot of people that were like this is we're doing something really special this is like a lot of fun well as a comedian too you already have kind of a more of a that were like, we're doing something really special. This is a lot of fun. Well, as a comedian, too, you already have more of a blue-collar work ethic that we have over actors, I think, a lot of times.

Well, the actors, yes. Not all actors. I, for sure, appreciated it more because I never expected it. Right. Yeah. It's a different thing. Actors, they always grow up wanting to be in sitcoms.

Me, I was in a sitcom almost per chance. Oh, wow. The whole thing became... I never took acting classes. I heard this story about... Did I hear right that Ray Romano was... He was the original. He was the original.

My character. Couldn't cut it. Yeah, they fired him and then hired another actor to do it for the pilot. So then the other actor did it for the pilot and then they fired him and hired me. Wow.

So I didn't really take Ray's part. I took the guy who stole Ray's part. Isn't that something, how stories work out? Like just that close, it could have been some other... some other they just decided to go a different way with it they just you know it wasn't that ray wasn't good it's like you know ray was older and it was more relaxed and i just tried they were they were trying to figure out so they the next guy was like the zany guys like all right well i got over here right and they're like that didn't work

either and then i just got lucky i just came in had you taken a bunch of acting classes? No, I'd been on a shitty show, though. I got a development deal with Fox. It was with Disney, actually. And then I was on this show called Hardball. This is how bad the show was. It was a baseball show. It was a sitcom. And it could have been hilarious, because the guys who originally wrote it,

these guys named Jeff Martin and Kevin Curran, they were writers for The Simpsons, and they wrote for Married with Children. They were brilliant. And they wrote a brilliant pilot. The pilot was hilarious. Jim Brewer was in the pilot. Oh, Jim Brewer. Yeah, and Mike Starr.

You might have seen him. He's in Goodfellas. There's been a bunch of movies. And Bruce Greenwood. And it was a good cast. A good Alexandra Wentworth. But the real problem was with the network. And they didn't want these guys, Jeff and Kevin,

to be the producers of the show because they didn't think they knew how to run a show. So they brought in this other dude. And this other dude just started fucking hacking it up. Hacking it up. Taking scripts and just butchering them and just terrible jokes. And he would go and do coke on his yacht with this girl who was playing my girlfriend in this first episode. He became friends with this chick and would take her on his yacht and they would write and he would do blow and fuck her

and come back with the worst scripts of all time. But when they would come back, she would have more lines. It was great. And finally, it got to we filmed a few episodes with this guy and he was so hated and the tension

on the set was so bad yeah that they decided to fire him they got rid of him they got rid of him and they brought in another guy and the other guy closed it out and there was only eight episodes only seven of them aired and it was death it was and i was done with that i was like fuck acting this is terrible acting this is the shit you have to deal with i was ready to go back to new york but i fucked up and got a whole year lease on this apartment i couldn't afford i was ready to go back. I was like, I'm done. I'm a comedian, man. Like you were that turned off by it? Oh, yeah. I was totally

ready to go. And then, all of a sudden, boom, I auditioned for NewsRadio and I'm on it. I mean, literally like a month later. I'm on this new show and I'm fucking working with Phil Hartman. So I go from never taking an acting class, never even thinking about doing acting, doing stand-up at fucking Jimmy's Comedy Alley in Queens.

And then a week later, I'm in Hollywood. And two months later, I'm sitting across the table read from Phil Hartman going, what the fuck is going on here? That's some cool shit. It was bizarre. It was beyond bizarre. Yeah, it's cool. You've lived multiple lives, it seems like. You're accomplished in multiple arenas where it's like, you did this,

done with that, do this, done with that. I think that's the thing about life. You have to keep trying new shit. There's so many things. A lot of times I'll say, I want to get into this, but my life's over. I'm 31. I'll be like, why not? Why not get into that? Do you know how many times I contemplate playing professional pool?

I stop and think about how much money would I have to squirrel away for a year to join the pro tour and try to practice 8, 10 hours a day and try to make a run at playing pool. And just place. I just want to place in a tournament. You know you got it in you because that's the thing. You get that feeling. It's like when you come and you do something like this in Hollywood or accomplish yourself in a sport

and you become the elite of your company. It's like you want to do it again. You want to find something. It's like guys who become scratch golfers. You want to find something. Different things. It's like guys who become scratch golfers. I think Justin Timberlake or somebody is almost like a scratch golfer at this point. He's really good. Just kind of obsessed with it.

Yeah, I'm like, he kind of should be. You know what I mean? He's a bad motherfucker. It's Musashi's quote. Once you understand the way broadly, you can see it in all things. That's one of my favorite quotes. I like that.

It's all about recognizing what it takes to really master something, what it really takes to get in tune with what is great about something. The Buddha says, if you want to know how good you're doing at something, look back every 10 years. That's another one. That's one I love. But that takes 10 years to see your progress.

Yeah, which he always means stop looking back at your progress and just keep thinking of it right now. Goddamn tricky Buddhists. Yeah, goddammit. Was Johnny Appleseed real or is that just a fictional character? He's real and the story is bullshit. What is the story? The story is that he sprinkled seeds basically all throughout the, what was it, the western

state? Yeah. From across, when the Louisiana Purchase happened, I think he went and just goes sprinkling seeds. Like all men are like, seeds, seeds. What? Bob Ross and Mr. Rogers. I saw a thing about seeds and they're like, apples don't grow that way.

These certain seeds don't grow in certain regions. The first one dies. It's like there's a real maintenance. You don't just sprinkle. An apple tree is a hard fucking thing. It's almost like a baby being born. A lot of shit has to go right. Really?

You know what I mean? Apple trees are hard to pull off. And they said that him just going around doing that, it would create is like sour grape size apples like it just doesn't work that way you gotta cultivate you gotta you gotta know what you're doing so do you think he spent time to actually plant them properly or he just didn't really do it he was just trying to get attention i i think he set up the one actual little farm for himself but like i said the second generation don't give off as good as the first and you have to stick around and maintain that they act like he's just sprinkled it along the countryside wearing a pot on his head maybe it was just his song to promote his apple farm that

he did like i think he's i think it's the legend is up there with like paul bunyan pretty much watch it watch watch shelly apple seed is great great grand mother you motherfucker do you think do you think that you would just get used to living like people lived back in those days? Like Amish? Do you think, I mean, do people just get used to it? Or do you think it was like life sucked back then? Like did they know it? Were they like, what the fuck?

Yeah, like life is too fucking hard. I think so. I think with those pioneers and the people who came out to settle the West, I mean, it's like big balls. I give them big credit for that because it's like they came down to the soil in North Dakota. You can't get through that shit. Good luck farming that. Imagine they got through that shit with horses.

And sickness, too. Yeah, the number of people coming out were just dying in droves, but the ones they finally tackled it and got it going, those are the ones who obviously survived and later thrived, but I wouldn't want

to try that shit crazy life there was a there was a thing they did on uh national geographic or something was a reality show but it was like it was basically a survivor but no prize to be won they just threw you out here you got to survive in alaska oh i watched that i watched the whole thing it was fucking great dude and it really talks like dudes were getting hungry like in the first six hours like i can't even do this shit. Even a real big cop dude, he couldn't hack it after a while. But ladies were able to hack it. They were killing squirrels with their bare hands to eat.

And they quickly adapted to that. Wouldn't you say? After the first week, all civility goes out the window. No more table manners. I watched one of the first episodes only, but they couldn't find anything to kill. They killed a squirrel and it fell in a hole. They shot it and it fell in a hole and they couldn't get yeah they couldn't get to it and they were just starving there was nothing delirious like you have to start training your body in this sick way to to just take one morsel of something and and maximize your shit they'd get a kill finally and they'd make a stew because the stew

will go further and you can transport a stew because that's the thing too you got to bring your food with you if you kill something. They ate a porcupine. It was the most disgusting looking thing when they field dressed this thing. Things spilled out of there I'd never seen in my life. Porcupine.

What's the show called again? I don't remember. It was something about Alaska. I think I got it saved. Yeah, it was good i watched the whole thing it was pretty damn good and in the end they they were emaciated looking they looked horrible yeah there's a guy we've talked about on the show that you ever go to that website vbs.tv there's a the vice guide to travel is a whole series they do online it's great great stuff and one of them they went to this guy i think his his name is Heinmo. It's a strange name.

But this guy lives in like northeastern Alaska. He lives in like this area where only a few people have permission to still live up there. And he lives in this one-room cabin. Oh, wow. And he's been up there for 30 years. This guy literally never saw the towers fall. And he can speak good English. He's a very intelligent guy.

And he lives his life just hunting and gathering, just following caribou around, shooting them. He has a couple cabins that he walks to. He has no car. He does everything on foot. He gets supplies dropped. He gets bullets. And I guess he must get some vegetables.

I don't know what happens there. I don't know if he gets canned vegetables. But he's not eating any vegetables on the show. All he's eating is caribou that he kills and fish that he catches. And that's what he does every day. Every day he's following caribou around, shooting them. But he's a very bright guy. And when he's talking, he says that men got away from the whole hunting and gathering thing.

What is that? What is that? Is that a fire alarm? Fire alarm? I don't know what that is, man. It's getting really soft. Oh, it's a water thing. That was crazy.

That was a pipe. I thought it was a caribou. What the fuck kind of show is this? That's how ghetto the show is. My pipes are making crazy noises. That's crazy. Oh, you know what that is? That's the in-house vacuum cleaner. It been fucking up lately he has these vacuum cleaners

where the whole walls are yeah i've heard tale of those before i was cool to actually see one this house is the shit by the way this is this is thank thank god you got that uh that audition that time huh it all worked out money yeah uh, so the reason why I was willing to do something like Fear Factor was after doing like a bad sitcom and then entertain the idea of doing another bad sitcom after news radio, I was like, I'd rather do something that's not funny at all. Yeah. You know, I'd rather do, what else can I do to get paid? I can do this and you'll pay me?

Yeah. All right, let's do this. Right. I can do that too. I don't, as a comic, I don't watch comedy. I can't stand it. It won't make me laugh. I like drama and I like sci-fi. Movies are good. I like the hangover. Hangover was hilarious.

Movies are always good. They don't screw you over. They're not trying to fit in a laugh every minute and ten seconds. Right. They're trying to make a good story. They can do a good story. I like Alec Fanakis a lot. Have you seen the new one? No. Is it good? I heard Brody's awesome in it. That's so great that Brody's in it.

Is it out? Is Dude 8 out? Yeah, Dude 8 out. Steve Renner's easy saw it, said it was really good. Look, you can't go wrong with Galvin Ackes. He's just funny. He's going to make a real mark like a Bill Murray, I think. He's huge.

He's already like that. The way people love him, he's already like that. What about the whole stink, though? I mean, Bill Murray obviously is a legend. Yeah, absolutely. But Galvin Ackes is in when Bill Murray was coming up and he was in that vibe. When Stripes was, you remember Stri legend. Yeah, absolutely. But Galifianakis is in when Bill Murray was coming up and he was in that vibe. When Stripes was, you remember Stripes? Yeah, absolutely.

When Stripes was coming out, man, Bill Murray was like, anything he could say was funny. Yeah, yeah. You just would watch him. Galifianakis is like right there right now. He's getting there. I watched it. I never watched stand-up comedy. One night I was watching Netflix.

I was like, I'll check him out. It's Purple Onion. It was like I was genuinely laughing my ass off. He's very funny. And as a performer, I watch. It's a very precise, crafted thing that he does, and he's really good at it. You know what I mean?

To the point where I can respect it and be like, oh, wow. Because as a comedian, it's like a magician. It's like, oh, I know how he did it. Oh, I see that. That's great. Good job. But I was literally laughing. Who makes you laugh the most?

Besides me. Guys like you, Brody. Obviously your friends. I still laugh. Brody, he's probably the biggest unspoken treasure brody probably he just gets to all of us and the thing about brody is you have to see him live i think you and i talked about this you have to see him in person to get the joke yeah because people who just see him online or something they don't there's something missing in the two-dimensional world you have to see and feel and know the

mannerism and see it that this is a character but god damn it is this character always you know being attended to it's like okay hold on i'm gonna put a stop to that no stop time so um he makes me laugh uh bill burr makes me laugh a lot bill burr is hilarious he's always writing i've heard his mention that that he's the best one of the best right now and you know people are starting to say that it's like you get so knee deep in it you don't even like i'm cap People are starting to say that. It's like you get so knee-deep in it. You don't even... Caparulo's my best friend, and I forget he's famous now. It's weird.

It's like we go places, and he gets mobbed. I'm like, wow. Is that from the Chelsea Handler show? Yeah, big time. That seemed to just put him through the roof, and now he's doing great on the road. He's happy. He just got engaged the other day. That should work out well.

Yeah, in Hermosa Beach. He got engaged. Is she going to let him play Xbox? Yeah. Man, come over here. Yeah. We'll still play Madden, I'm sure, but we'll play online. But it's like, you know, things make me laugh that sometimes it's not even a person or a

comedian. It's a dog. Dogs make me laugh. My dog makes me laugh. Right, but I mean like with stand-ups. Do you like Patton Oswalt? I do. Louis Anderson?

Off and on. You do off and on? He's one of my favorites, man. The Comedians of Comedy Tour, you know, I like that a lot. I like, because Galifianakis did some work on that one

and then, who are the other nerds? Brian Pessain. Yeah. He's great. I like Patton Oswalt. I do because he appeals to comedians.

Sometimes he's just a little too, you know. No, I think he's great yeah i like pat and i was what i do because he appeals to comedians it's just sometimes he's just a little too you know i i think he's i he's comfortable he's really comfortable he did this bit he did this bit that that i fucking one of those i wish i thought of that because i've often thought about it but i never thought it was funny about uh how all those stores like on melrose and stuff like you're like how did how do these places pay for the rent they're selling candles you know this rent's probably like three thousand dollars and this whole bid on that and fucking brilliant he just you know i think he's that was one he just made up that night you see the kid well he's a writer i mean he's a good writer you see the kid who ripped him off and was doing his jokes that was hilarious too it was like

well two kids that ripped him off one kid ripped him off during a commencement speech or some sort of a graduation speech right how can you do that he fucked up and it was a one that's online man it's like a fucking like especially now see that's what the internet is doing it's eradicating liars it's getting rid of liars at least there's a major reference point here it's like you know because remember like when you're a kid you know there'd be a kid in your fifth grade my dad plays for the raiders it's like i'm pretty sure he doesn't but i can't really prove that wrong but it's like, you know, because remember like when you're a kid, you know, there'd be a kid in your fifth grade, my dad plays for the Raiders. It's like, I'm pretty sure he doesn't, but I can't really prove that wrong. But it's like now, you can prove the person wrong on the spot. There's some crazy lies

out there, man. I remember one time I was at this club in Florida, and this guy goes, yeah, my boy's on the phone. My boy fought Chuck Liddell before, beat him back in 99. It's like 99 or whatever the fuck the date was. So I get on the phone with this guy. I go, what's up? He goes, yeah, yeah, fuck Chuck Liddell. Fuck Chuck Liddell.

I go, what happened? I stopped him. I go, what year was this? He tells me the year. I go, that didn't happen. I go, the only people Chuck's lost to at the time was Jeremy Horn, and he had just lost to Randy. He's the only people he's lost to.

What are you talking about, man? No, man. This guy just made something up. Just completely. He made some crazy story up about fighting Chuck Liddell. It was like totally artificial. He just made it up.

Don't you think they document something that important? Yeah, it's just like how people come up to you and they're always like saying, dude, my friend used to hang out with you. There's just these stories that people tell people to get like...

I was partying with him in Vegas. He came back to the room. Dude, it was hilarious. I found out found out a lot of great jokes i found out exactly what this shit tastes like the c20 uh water drink it and think of cereal water cereal milk after golden grams it tastes like that that's why it's delicious yeah it's healthy for you too it's all real pure coconut water delicious right out of coconut that's some good shit where do you get that at online who. Who's your dealer? Sketchy website. Some dude got it in LA, but I don't know what store he got it from.

He brought it to Jiu Jitsu and he was handing them out. They actually sell them at the nutrition stores and I just found out. Do they? Yeah, it's like pretty good. Two dollars a bottle.

We should be getting a cut from this. I know. We should be a sponsor. It's bullshit. Yeah, dude. You gotta get free shit out of this. Plus light and coconut water. So, you know,

I just realized talking to you about impressions that, you know, I've never practiced any of this. Plus light and coconut water. So, you know, I just realized, talking to you about impressions, that I've never practiced any of the impressions that I've done. I just do them. Like with Joey Diaz or something like that, I just know I can do it, and I just do it. Are you that way, too? Like you hear someone talk? Yeah, I think it's like you've got to get out of your own way.

You just let it filter in and come out of you. Sound like that. You know, because it's like you'll hear it. If you try to scrutinize it, you'll really start to fuck it up. How do you practice it? You know, I'll listen to them on headphones, and if I don't hear my voice anymore, that means I've matched it. Whoa.

It means I've matched it. Damn. Like the Morgan Freeman I started working on in eighth grade. Let me hear that. Well, now, hold on, Joe Rogan. Let me get to that. Let's see here. There's a fellow named Morgan Freeman.

And I started working on the impression when I was in the eighth grade. Yes, sir. I was about 14 years old, jerked off seven times a day. Dude, that is creepy. And it took me forever. And what happened. That's creepy. And the way I finally perfected it when I was like 22, I saw Ben Affleck on Dave Letterman.

And he was doing a Morgan Freeman impression. But it was horrible. But he was doing one thing I wasn't doing right. It's that mm-hmm thing. It's on here. He was adding that, but everything else was wrong. And I married the two, and I was talking like Morgan Freeman all day. I was calling restaurants.

I'd be like, I'd like to get a table for two, please. And they're like, okay, Mr. Freeman. I was testing it out, and I was like, oh, my God, this is amazing. So when I nail one, I've been working on a Tom Hanks for years, and I still can't get it. There's something, but he's one of those, like, Ice-T, like Morgan Freeman. Everybody knows who he is, but nobody does him. And it's somewhere in here I found that I can go back and forth with it,

but it's – You're missing a little. Yeah, you get it. I'm game show host-y with it right now, but it's like – Game show host. There's World War II Tom Hanks, who's very solemn and talks about World War II. But then there's – I'm on Conan host-y with it right now, but it's like there's World War II Tom Hanks who's very solemn and talks about World War II. But then there's, you know, I'm on Conan O'Brien. It's almost like the shape of your head is wrong.

Right. You can't make that noise. No, I think that is. I think that has a lot to do with impressions. There's certain impressions that I can do that other people can't do. Right. I think it's the shape of my face. There's ways to manipulate your throat.

I mean, I can tell you can talk like that. Yes. Definitely. You know, you can contort your mouth like Biggie Smalls. I started working on that impression one time, too. I found out I could sound like a fat guy. It's like you can contort your mouth. Can you do Ralphie Mae? He's a little high-pitched. Hey, man, I got something. Jeff Rogan.

Jeff Rogan. Jeff Rogan. Yeah, Jeff Rogan. I went to this market. Yeah, Jeff Rogan. Much love, Ralphan Jeff Rogan Jeff Rogan Jeff Rogan Jeff Rogan Jeff Rogan Jeff Rogan Jeff Rogan Jeff Rogan Jeff Rogan Jeff Rogan Jeff Rogan Jeff Rogan

Jeff Rogan Jeff Rogan Jeff Rogan Jeff Rogan Jeff Rogan Jeff Rogan Jeff Rogan Much love Ralphie

If you're listening You know we love you He's like Cartman almost He is The Obama Ralphie smokes more weed Than any of us Oh dude did you hear the story

About him getting caught That was so brilliant He's like man I went down To pet the dog My man is bringing weed Across the world Yeah that's great That's risky

Don't you know anybody there? I would much rather try to find a connect there. You can find a connect, man. Trust me. Especially in Guam. You're going to be okay, dude. They're growing that shit like crazy out there. Big time.

And it probably grows well. Yeah. It's a cash crop, son. Get it. Number one cash crop in Hawaii. And they're trying to eradicate it all the time. Today, by the way, Proposition 19. Today it all goes down.

How's it looking? Has anyone been checking the – The score? What's the latest news? The latest score? 52 to 7. If it loses, it will mark how oppressed we truly are. I don't think it's going to pass.

I don't think it's going to pass. Really? I think it's going to be like the gave vote. We all thought that was going to pass. You know, and I'm just basing it on there hasn't even been advertising. There's not been some big push for it.'s it seems like it's definitely you know and then there's a lot of people against it a lot of the growers obviously because who benefits during prohibition that's the problem the growers a lot of the medical people are against it right

i don't know man i think it's evolution i understand their position i feel bad for doctors that have been prescribing weed if it becomes legal then all of a sudden hey where's my business i'm making all my money sticking my neck out there prescribing weed, if it becomes legal, then all of a sudden, hey, where's my business? I'm making all my money sticking my neck out there prescribing weed. Now I've got to go back to giving kids band-aids? What the fuck, man? It's tough. Maybe it'll lower the cost of healthcare because they'll have to be doctors again

and there's more doctors. How does that benefit that doctor that just lost his job, Brian? This is illogical. I think they just need to figure out another way to become a part of the system. They're selling it, man. Open up a fucking dispensary. And you know what's funny? On the other side is cops. Obviously, they want it to be legal, so they don't have to deal with this.

I mean, everybody knows it should be. It's just political suicide. Cops don't give a fuck about potheads. They know potheads are harmless. They're worried about meth heads and fucking junkies and drunks. That's what cops are worried about. They're worried about violent people. It just takes somebody to actually do something i don't think anybody did and nobody's going to

commit political suicide this year and and come out that's what we need was somebody huge the president somebody to say but i understand why they can't they just can't i don't know what happens when you get in office but clearly someone sits you down and adjusts your agenda obama before he was in office you know yes i yes, I inhaled. You could say it, because it was the point. Go ahead. You're doing Obama. Well, it's time for weed. I take pauses between every word I say so the stupid people can

understand me. Now, did you smoke pot in college, sir? I did. Did you inhale? I took bong rips out of a homemade bong, and I blew them into everybody on the floor's mouth. We got high. Surprise at the sight.

He talked about it openly when he was campaigning. There is something. They set you down. It's like the men in black thing. They go, something happened. Forget your agenda, man. Because it is. It's a head.

It's a figure. You're not. I know, but who is pulling the strings then is there a one person is there a committee is there is there a society it's like yeah man you fucking if you just read about the illuminati and listen to alex jones you would know who there's gotta be there's gotta be a one trackable it's gotta come down it's gotta be well or group it's definitely well right right it's international bankers right it's like it's like, yeah, it's got to be international. Because back in America, it's founded like Carnegie's and all them.

They'd get together and be like, it's our country. Dude, I'm reading this Max Taibbi article that's in Rolling Stone. God damn it. Hold on. I'm going to stop that shit. I'll be right back. You guys talk amongst yourselves. All right.

It's not below everyone's ears. Talk amongst yourselves. Hey. They went away. Cool. Let's turn this back's ears. Hey, so... It went away. Cool, let's turn this back on now. So, yeah. I'm getting hungry, dude. Dude, I'm hungry.

This coconut water is delicious. Yeah. You actually believe in crazy dream stuff. Yeah. We have talked about this before where he sat me down and was telling his theories. He reads all these books on... What kind of dreaming is that called again? Lucid dreaming. Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.

I think I have a problem with my in-house vacuum cleaner unit. It's screaming. It's letting me know it's dying. What were we talking about before I took off? Because it was interesting. Smoking. The people who run the country. Who runs the country.

So who the fuck do you think runs it? It's not the voters. What do you think happens when you get into office? Do you think they actually, Bill Hicks style, sit you down and show you an angle of the Kennedy assassination that no one's ever seen before? Sit in a room with that. What did he say?

A bunch of smoky industrialists? You know what? Yeah, well, what's my agenda? Doesn't it seem like there kind of is though it's like think about like the skull and bones that yeah like these real real upper echelon kind of societies that you can never belong to and your privity information that nobody because that's that's the most likely scenario that it's these elite colleges and keep this group of people in power right and we should talk about people that have been in the

skull and bones from college i mean it was it was John Kerry. It was Bush. There's been a bunch of different people. They're groomed for this from the get-go. And it's like Obama not necessarily really wasn't but was. If you were going to Harvard, it's not out of the question to become president. There's a 7% acceptance rate there. I think everybody who becomes president always wanted to be president. Absolutely.

It didn't just occur to you someday. It's the ultimate political rock star. That's what it is. Even John Kerry was doing that. That's why he went to Vietnam. At least he went, but that's why he went. He went so he could be president. So I could be a hero and get pictures taken. God damn! How ruthless is that? You're willing to go to war so you can say,

I am a veteran. I fought for my country. I made claps and cheers. Yeah, he didn't need to go. You know what I mean? Yeah, he was definitely in college at the time his dudes like bush are like oh my back hurts i think that's smart man as i've gotten older my opinion of bush has changed over and over i i keeps changing i used to think that bush was this fucking monster and this this this ignorant piece of shit that's you know thrust into into this scenario to kind of lower our standards

and make everybody think that mediocre is good and you can invent words and it's okay to talk about God. And then I realized that this is just a dude with a job. You know what? When you see the relationship with Dick Cheney and him? I don't think, number one, I think he's probably one of the most fun of all presidents you can hang out with.

Dude, you know when my opinion of him changed? When that guy threw his shoes at him in Iraq. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's when I started looking at him. When he ducked his shoe and smiled, and he ducked his shoe and smiled again, I'm like, this ain't no ruthless murderer. This is some fucking dude who's just got a job.

And I never thought that of him. And the same thing that bothers me when people shit on Obama for saying, like, oh, he reads a teleprompter. You know how many speeches he gives a day? A lot. Yeah, that is the dumbest thing. That's so asinine. Oh, he's got notes.

What the fuck? He's prepared? You're upset that he's prepared? He wants to do a good job? Yeah, and it's the same thing when people say that George W. Bush is dumb. I can promise you this. He would bury me in a political debate. He would.

No shit. No, he wouldn't. No, he wouldn't. Maybe not about policy. No, but not about anything. Stop it. You don't think? You're a hundred times smarter than that guy.

Really? Yes, for sure. You don't think something broke up? He was brought in to represent the common folk the same way they enabled the conservatives to really gain control of this country by embracing the Christian right. When the Reagan administration came in line, that was the first time when they really went out of their way to embrace religion. Oh, yeah.

Go for the Christians. Get the really zealot Christians. Nixon was no religious guy. They never did that before. They never did that before. They were very corporate. But they realized, like, shit,

the Moonies are doing this. All these other motherfuckers are doing this. They're making millions of dollars from these morons. Let's just tap into this shit and we'll use this. This is going to be

a big part of our platform. This will separate us from everybody else, make us more righteous. It's amazing. Especially with Reagan, it's like the conservatives always talk about, too.

It's like, oh, Hollywood liberals and their actors and all that. It's like the ones they champion the most are actors ronald reagan you know fred thompson it's like so crazy that you would allow a guy who's an expert at lying and pretending to be the guy who's supposed to tell you the truth and a divorcee that's yeah that's a chick that's a chicken being guarded by wolves that's the most ridiculous thing ever you're getting a guy who's the best faker ever yeah and he's the one who's going to deliver the truth what i shot a thing recently at the republican headquarters here and it was amazing to be in there and it's all pictures of ronald

reagan as far as the eyes can see which is understandable but i'm just like don't you guys remember bush 41 and bush 43 they both were presidents too there's no pictures at all they're like no no brian brian go on YouTube and find Ronald Reagan's speech where he talks about aliens. Have you heard of that speech? That is one of the trippiest speeches a president has

ever given to people. Talking about the intergalactic... He talked about how quickly we would abandon all of our troubles with each other if we were being attacked by aliens from another planet. Oh, wow. The fucking president was talking about this. Jesus.

I mean, he was making a point, clearly, that we would be united as one country. You think we would? You think we would? For sure we would. Or you think we'd go after each other? No, we would not. We would not. If there was aliens, the only problem is if the aliens got to some douchebags, I don't

want to mention any names, in some douchebag countries, I'm like, listen, just come with us. We'll give you fucking flying saucers. Just sell out these other cunts. Right. And then they would go over and say, listen, we've made peace with the aliens. The aliens are friends. We just come over here.

We'll show you where they are. And boom, you're in a cage. They're definitely hostile if they're coming. Maybe. Well, we are. We're hostile. We're hostile to everything. And we talked about the East Coast and the West Coast and survival of the fittest

and just the massive changes happening in this country. It's all been because of negative shit. All this massive change, a lot of it is because of negativity. I feel like something in our lifetime is going to happen. Like Bigfoot's going to get found. Like something cool like that. I hope so, right? Some legend is going to get dispelled. Or some legend is going to happen like bigfoot's going to get found like something cool like that some legend right some legend is going to get dispelled or some legend is going to get proven true well

you know there's there's the craziest theory about your life is that your life really what it actually is is as the world gets crazier and as you know more chaos ensues and you worry about extinction you worry about you know some sort of a cataclysmic disaster that wipes out the race, what you're really realizing is that you're dying. Yeah. And that your own world, this universe that you have created is slowly starting to fall apart at the seams because your life is starting to end. And this whole life of history and space, it's all an illusion. And it's all something that's been created by your imagination.

Wow. It's all an illusion, and it's all something that's been created by your imagination. And as it plays out, as it becomes more and more ridiculous and catastrophic, and as it ends, that's how your life ends. Wow. That's an interesting point to think of it that way. It's just as possible as you are one being, and there's a billion other beings, and they're all in this one rock, and they're all in this one galaxy. I mean, that's crazy in and of itself. they're all in this one rock and they're all in this one galaxy and they're all, I mean, that's crazy in and of itself.

It's all crazy. It makes sense and it makes you just realize sometimes too just the silliness. Like sometimes you almost just want to sit down and just laugh

at the silly shit that we do. It's like, oh my God, why do I care? Like I can detach myself from something really quickly

through that, you know, and that's what kind of like Buddhism was always about, like just detaching from it, not giving a shit, you know what I mean? It's like if

it doesn't affect you, like death does not scare me. It's like, yeah, it's gonna come. Suffering fucking sucks. Suffering sucks, being injured sucks, being, you know, being in pain sucks, but yeah, death is like sleep, right? Losing someone sucks, you know? Losing someone sucks, pain sucks.

But it's like everybody's biggest fear is death and it's like if it ain't gonna and even if it is your biggest fear and it happens then what but then what happens i always talk about how one of the trippiest things in this life is that everyone likes to sleep but no one wants to die you know when you're asleep you're looking forward to going away you're looking forward to shutting off right now right you're looking forward to the relief that you get from turning your body off and recovering right that's That's some pretty crazy shit, man. Yeah, dude.

It's the same kind of effect that the DMTs release during dream state. Supposedly. It's all anecdotal evidence, but that's what they believe happens. But all I know is I don't give a fuck about it. I love it. I love going to sleep. Here we go. I don't think about the fact that I'm going to disappear for eight hours

and I'm just going to trust that the world doesn't fall apart at the seams and explode while I'm unconscious. It'd be cool to be able to hibernate. Dude, bears don't really hibernate. You know that? They're always still semi-conscious. It's just a blissful kind of just relaxation. They just don't do much. They just kind of like go, fuck, this sucks.

Yeah, I guess so. But they can still get up and fuck you up, man. Yeah, because there are bear attacks in the winter. Yeah, don't get crazy. Well, the real scary thing about the bear attacks in the winter is most of the time, it's bears trying to eat you because they're starving to death. That's how Grizzly Man died. That crazy asshole that was living up in Alaska with all those bears.

Yeah, you heard the tape? Have you seen the video? I haven't heard the tape. The death tape? There's a death tape out? Isn't there a death tape? No, I don't think there's not one yet. They wanted to get it, but what it was is the camera was running, but it was only audio.

And Werner Herzog, the director, listens to it on camera. You see him listening to it. Oh, that's what they should have been showing. But they don't actually play it at all. It was like six minutes long, man. A bear, dude. They showed that guy on that I Survived who got basically eaten and mauled by a bear and survived it. The bear was shitting on him, peeing on him, like treating him like his kill.

It was so nasty. That's so scary. How did he get out of that? He just got sick of it. Play that Ronald Reagan show. Yeah, let's see it. Rewind it from the beginning. Rewind it, Brian.

Suddenly there was a threat to this world from some other species from another planet outside in the universe we'd forget all the little local differences that we have between our countries the United Nations perhaps we need some outside universal threat to make us recognize this common bound. I occasionally think how quickly our differences worldwide would vanish if we were facing an alien threat from outside

this world. Wow. So true. Space is filled with warriors. Just flying out of the country, jacking people. I'd like to think that we'd galvanize and ante up and all get together, like in signs. Do you think so? Do you think, well, I think we would to attack the aliens, but do you think that any species ever gets to a point where it doesn't fuck with the weaker species?

It's hard to think that a mass collectiveness of fight or flight would happen. I think most would fly. Most people would just go hide and be scared. No, no, no, no. What I'm saying is, do you think that alien life in all galaxies and wherever it exists, wherever it exists, intelligent life,

do you think it always fucks with whatever's weaker than it? Does that just help things become strong? Yeah, I think so. I think that's nature, right? That's just dominance, survival. So if they came here, they would have to fuck with us. They would have to fuck with us. Now, the thing I don't quite understand is why everybody gives them credit for being survival so if they came here they would have to fuck with us they would have to fuck with us now the thing i don't quite understand is why everybody gives them credit for being so smart if they came here you know because they can come they can get here

but what if we can get to where they're at um well we can't we're getting closer we are getting closer but more water on the moon but but yeah they found water found more water yeah a lot more than they thought yeah they there's also the idea that they could use that as like the moon as a refueling station and set up something up there. And they use that like as a launch because it's 260,000 miles out and it doesn't have the same kind of gravity. Right. So they could start launching shit from the moon.

But, you know, you have to prove to me that you can survive in deep space for a long period of time and that people are going to be willing to take that chance. Yeah. There's like the Mars project. Right. And there's another thing that they've been been concentrating on this uh this idea of a hundred year spaceship a spaceship that can exist and and you know has enough fuel to run a hundred years oh yeah can survive to colonize galaxy that's like a project that's currently in development dude that kind of stuff like you know

fuck man that's some that's some deep shit like if they really a hundred years in a spaceship and that's possible? Yeah, but that would suck, like, being on the hundred-year spaceship, and then, like, a couple years later, they made, like, the 200-year spaceship, and you're like, man, I want to be on the 200-year spaceship so my kids can live longer, too. Or you have a change of thought. Well, I think you have a hundred years to get somewhere,

and if you can't get there in a hundred years, you're fucked. But the thing is, how do they keep enough food? How big is this goddamn spaceship? Are they growing their own food? Yeah, you'd have to do something like that. You'd have to grow your own food, and what kind of power would you be able to use? Nuclear power?

You'd have to use nuclear power. How the fuck else could you? What if everybody got radiation sickness and shit? Or you just blow up it. By the time you got there, it was all... Who are you communicating with? Mutants and shit. Three-eyed motherfuckers with six arms and shit.

Everybody was a mutant from all the radiation because they had never done long-term exposure studies. We didn't have to take a chance. I'd sign up for that shit. Would you? Yeah. I always think when people think that maybe if this is the last generation or if the Mayan calendar is true or something like that, I feel pretty damn honored to be on the last part of the last generation. Again, it could just be the end of your life, man. Yeah, exactly. I manufacture it. So does that mean that you're a character in my life? Seems like it. Through your eyes, I'm a character in your life. Or am I in yours?

Well, maybe we're all both. Maybe it's both. Maybe there's no tangibility to life. Maybe it's ethereal. Maybe it exists in both ways. Maybe you're just a part of my imagination and I'm a part of yours. Like, that'd be crazy if you made up all this. The earth, the atmosphere.

You made it all up. It's not that you made it up. It almost exists as a part of your program. Well, that's what we were talking about earlier, lucid dreaming, like the ability to wake up during your dreams. You do that, right? I've done it. I can't say I do it often. It's hard. I've only done it once or twice by accident

and because I saw a movie where a guy had a technique where in real life, every time he'd walk through a door, he would knock on the door and go, am I dreaming? Yeah, that's the trick to doing it I did it once in a dream

that Steven Dr. Steven LeBurge is the one I read all these books about it quite by accident one day but I started reading it was fascinating

because he did it at Stanford and taught all these kids to do it to the point where they were so good at it they were developing skills in their dreams

they could do it at will it's basically like laying down to bed and saying here's what I'm going to dream about tonight it's like a meditation practice you can do it two ways you can wake yourself up in a dream or you can just enter it straight in and that takes extreme concentration like focus focus focus but

you know in it it's like you you start to realize how fascinating your brain is because you'll completely reproduce something to a t like you like i fucking made that that's my thought i'm walking how many times have you done this i've done it probably like five times in my life. It's hard. The problem is it's like if you smoke pot, you don't get true REM sleep like a lot of people. You don't? You don't seem to. Potheads don't seem to remember dreams as well.

Some are different. Maybe it's a different kind you're smoking. Is that true? If you inhibit your brain at all with alcohol or anything, you're going to have a harder time dreaming. Pot stops me from dreaming. Google that. See if pot kills dreaming. But I don't know.

But I know that the best time to have them, they say, is in the morning. Wake yourself up at 6 in the morning and go back to sleep. Yeah. And that's when you get them? That's when you can get them. For the novice, they say.

And I've only had a few, but they're amazing. It's like you've manufactured this world. You can fly. The thing that you tend to do, which I do, is you go around punching people world you can fly this the thing that you tend to do which i do is you go around punching people because you can't it's just amazing but your brain it's as real as you and i are right now and if you just there's focus and techniques thing like you can use on youtube and stuff they'll show you how to do it well what i should explain what i was

talking about before just the knock on the door yeah the guy said knock on the door in real life when you when you walk into your house knock on the door and go am i dreaming right and then obviously you walk through it you're not dreaming but you feel the knock and that's what how you know you're not dreaming right well i did this for a couple days and then i was in a dream and i went am i dreaming oh my god i'm dreaming right my hand just went right through the door right i was like whoa and so then i opened up the door and the door was like the edge of a cliff. Yeah. And there was like clouds and shit

and I just started flying. Wow, isn't this the shit? The dopest fucking thing. I think if you could harness that. It lasted for like 30 seconds because I was going, holy shit, I can't believe I'm dreaming and I'm flying.

How am I doing? I'm awake. They say that that's what happens the first time is you're so overwhelmed by it. You're like, oh my God. I shot my load in my pants. That's what I did.

You're just like, oh my God. I didn't even get my pants off. I shot my load. That's what happened. I was didn't even get my pants off. I shot my load. That's what happened. I was like, are we really going to have sex? Yeah. Oh, fuck.

But it's like, if you practice it enough, it's just like meditation. You can get good at it, apparently. I just forget to practice it because I just crash half the time. Well, you know, you asked me about the isolation tank.

That's what you've got to look into. Fuck all that lucid dreaming. Because the isolation tank is lucid dreaming in 10 minutes, guaranteed every time. Yeah, right. Guaranteed every time you're going to go somewhere. Oh, that's awesome. Because the isolation tank is lucid dreaming in 10 minutes guaranteed every time. Guaranteed every time you're going to go somewhere. Oh, that's awesome. And the more you relax, the more you get good at it,

and the more you get good at it, the deeper you can go, and the weirder things get. My dad always told me about it as a kid. He did it a lot in the Air Force. Where do you live? What part of L.A.? You don't have to say because... Studio.

Studio city. You don't have to say, man. There's a place in Burbank. It's called Soothing Solutions. It's really good. And they have these tanks, and you rent them by the hour. Oh, yeah. And it's totally worth it, man.

So just try it. It's the same temperature as your body, so you can't feel your body, right? Yep. You don't feel your body. You just feel the water. When you get into it, the water's filled with 800 pounds of salt, so you float. All right. And then once you relax, you're floating in that water, and you don't hear anything.

You don't see anything. You have no sensory input. There's another place in Venice called the Float Lab that's awesome. Oh, wow. He's the guy who built my latest tank. He's the state-of-the-art guy. If you go to FloatLab.com, he's got all of his tanks and the design. It's all stainless steel and shit.

His stuff is real high-tech, top-of-the-line stuff. Oh, wow. It's basically the same amount of money as the other tanks on the market right he charges the same amount but they're fucking infinitely superior they're amazing how long can you can you stay in those i go in there for hours really hours yeah it's just like extreme meditation isn't it it's just space travel dude i have a spaceship and the things that i've seen the shit that i see on a regular basis in there most most people don't ever experience in their whole life. And I experience it several times a week.

Which the cool thing is, because the body, if you're not physically there, it's still a real experience. You know what I mean? Your mind is still learning from the experience. As if it were real. Yes. Physically. Because you're untethered from your body. So your body, and you don't get any input from your body so your mind is free to just explore

any idea and and manifest and visualize these ideas right you know your imagination when it's not harnessed or not like being controlled by the body you know or being hampered down by the body your imagination like creates worlds oh yeah you know we don't fucking know exactly what thinking and imagination truly is yeah we're not tapped what is imagination the ability to create in your mind i mean that that seems to me to be some sort of a driving force in the universe if you look at what the idea of imagination the idea of creation it manifests itself in a bunch of different things it manifests itself in art and it manifests itself in inventions and it manifests and manifests manifests things that improve your life

and keep people healthy and keep people alive longer so they figure things out more, so they come up with better ideas. These are all products of the imagination. Everything from science to vitamins, these are products of someone went, I think I can get that shit out of there

and put it in a pill. That's the imagination. That's the mind trying to be curious and figure this shit out. I and put it in a pill. That's the imagination. That's the mind trying to be curious and figure this shit out. I mean, it's like a driving force of the universe. And it's kind of like an all ubiquitous force too because it's like sometimes inventions are being thought of at the same time.

You know, like the Wright brothers, you know, they were working on things, but there was that guy over in England who had his thing he was working on and they were racing each other. I mean, flight was inevitable. You knew it was coming. Perfect example was what you were saying earlier that that cell phones if you had them in the past people would think of them like you were a witch i've said that so many times perfect example but it's two people looking something both of them are going well what the fuck is going on here and then they both people come to some sort of a same conclusion when they figured out radio

it was the same thing there was a bunch of people that figured out the radio it was marconi it was there's a bunch of different guys that were working on was the same thing. There was a bunch of people that figured out the radio. It was Marconi. There was a bunch of different guys that were working on the same situation. And then every now and then you get a guy like Nikola Tesla that's so fucking far out there. No one thought of any of the shit that he came up with.

And you look at his stuff and you're like, what the fuck is this dude on? That and Da Vinci. They had Da Vinci up at the Getty. And I went and looked at his scribblings just like he literally, you know, the helicopter, all that shit.

Machines, all kinds of machines. The guy was so bloody genius brilliant. His sketches were just like, I cannot believe somebody was thinking this advanced. Dude, wasn't he in the 1400s? Somebody made a thread about it on the Rogan board saying, could you imagine, this was the guy said, if you lived in a world where everyone else had Down syndrome? And he was like, that's what it must have been like to be da vinci yeah yeah he was living in the 1400s creating helicopters all these machines bisecting the human body diagramming it to a t

and your neighbor's just some retard just like what sayeth you sir yeah he's fucking his sheep and he probably and he's probably one of those guys, I can't believe it's the fucking 1400s. I can't wait. I'm not going to be here. He's probably a time traveler. Yeah, big time, dude. I think there is going to be time traveling, dude. We can do that shit.

Yes, there will be, but there hasn't been. No, there hasn't been. And then when it does happen, like I said, it's going to make everything null and void. It's going to break the whole package. Did you know they filmed Back to the Future? They filmed like half the movie with Eric Stoltz as the role of Marty. And they just weren't feeling it. So they had to go back and re-film the whole movie from the start.

They were a month in. With Michael J. Fox? Yeah, they were a month in with Stoltz. And they just released recently because they just came out on DVD. Yeah, it's on the DVD set. I've seen it before because I remember seeing the Eric Stoltz footage. And it's just like, that ain't right. It's not right.

It's not right? It's just not good? Rocky Dennis' Back to the Future. Eric Stoltz. That's probably where it all fell apart for him. And you know what? That's the thing. It's like, what did he do?

Some kind of wonderful and then bit parts here and there. Pulp Fiction was the best ever. Pulp Fiction was the apex of his career. Was he in Killing Zoe? Yes. Yeah. That's one of my favorite movies. That's a good goddamn movie.

He was a good actor. There was guys like him, like Matt Modine. What happened to those guys? Matt Modine. I loved Vision Quest. That guy was awesome. Vision Quest is a great goddamn movie. He's going to wrestle for State.

He's got the heat suit on that are banned now. It's a good fucking movie. That's a good fucking movie. I love Matt Modine. And the hot chick. What the fuck was her name in that movie? Oh, yeah.

God damn, that bitch is pretty. God, she was lovely. What is her name? Who was in Vision Quest? Jennifer Connelly? It's not Diane Lane, was it? No. No, I don't think

that was Diane Lane. Look it up. Can you IMDB it? It should be Vision Quest. See, this is the beauty of the internet this is the everything oh brian cast everything he writes asshole in everything every quest really yeah every time he does an internet search he'll he'll add finger butthole just to live just to see what the photos are see if jenn Connelly has an asshole. Who is the chick?

I'm still looking. Linda Florentino? Damn. Nobody heard of her anymore. Linda Florentino. She was hot as fuck. Yeah. Remember how pretty she was?

She was. Remember Phoebe Cates? She was hot. Phoebe Cates. The fast times. When the dude was in the bathroom fapping. Yeah. And she walked in, caught him with his dick in his hand when the dude was in the bathroom fapping. Yeah. And she walked in,

caught him with his dick in his hand. She just kind of went away too. Yeah. Well, she got pregnant, I think,

and had some kids. Well, she's married to the actor, not Greg Kinnear, but the other one that's kind of like him. Kevin Kline.

Yeah? I think she's married to Kevin Kline. Kevin Kline. Did you just say Jonathan Taylor Kline? Oh, Kevin Kline.

I thought, I'm thinking of a different Kevin. Shit. We're talking Hollywood, goddammit. What? She's still Linda Farantino?. I'm thinking of a different Kevin. Shit. We're talking Hollywood. God damn it. What? She's still...

Linda Fiorentina? Yeah, she's still a knockout. Is that recent? She kind of looks like she got smushed against a wall on her IMDB. See how it looks like she just got... I hope she didn't have brain cancer. She's still pretty as fuck. That would suck.

What about Laura Flynn Boyle? She's hanging out all the time. She weighs 18 pounds. Gosh, she was crazy I saw her in a photo She was walking on the beach And she looked like Like she was from

Kenya I saw her She was a stick figure I saw her maybe a couple years ago And she just married some guy And she's like This is my new husband And this poor guy

Just like a regular Fellow out of Texas Like an accountant Like has no idea Right Of course he's like Yeah I'm gonna marry A movie star

Sure She's a good woman Just trying to keep it together Yeah Oh man I've seen those before There's nothing sadder Than a dude

Who's on a ride He doesn't understand It's so true It's so true Some regular civilian Who winds up marrying Some crazy movie star Just to fuck Jack Nicholson

Good old decent Texas fella too Good luck Oh I know Good luck with all your Fucking country logic, stupid. This shit ain't going to work out. I'll change them.

What has been the weirdest thing about coming here and starting out, working for the comedy store and doing all that shit, and then eventually winding up on television and starting to make money? What's been the weirdest part about it to you? what's been the weirdest part about it to you i think it's the weirdest part is for me it's like the distance put in between um some of your peers that you started with because there's this idea that comedy is like freshman football i've been at it long enough i should get my shot but it's bullshit some guys just haven't yeah there's a rile with himself that you're not good there's a you know there's a resentment among some guys that don't become successful about people who are and it's really something sad too

because it's one of these things where it's like, you know, we started off ten years ago, a bunch of us together, me, Caparulo, Renazisi, and it worked for some of us, and for some it didn't, and it doesn't mean that it's owed to you, because like I said, it's like, it's really hard, even if you're really good, it's really hard. And you're not, Hollywood doesn't

owe anybody anything. Not a damn thing. And it didn't ask you to come here, and it doesn't tell you when to leave but you got to know you know there's some people like you'll get it at the comedy store like guys be like oh man screw the store i don't get spots there but it's like tell me the other clubs that are giving you spots they can never name one you know and if they do it's some hole in the wall yeah but if it's like comedy is the most justified art form and you know there's enough the audience is right there to tell you whether you're any good at it. When I lived in Boston, it was shocking when guys would go somewhere and get sitcoms

or be in movies. You know what the local headliners would go? He's a fucking middle act. This guy's a middle act and he's in a movie. To them, it's like they didn't get theirs. That was a big attitude amongst Boston guys. Especially after Stephen Wright hit. There's a great documentary about Boston. I forget what it's called. Especially after Stephen Wright hit. Oh, yeah. There's a great documentary about Boston.

I forget what it's called. It's fucking shit. Boston comedy. We look up documentary on Boston comedy. It's a big scene. It's a big scene. Before the laughter dies. I don't know what the fuck it's named. Boston comedy movie.

What happened to the scene there? It was a fantastic scene, but the problem was all the headliners that were the main part of the movement in the 70s and the 80s, especially the 80s. All the guys who were literally the most talented comedians in the country. They stayed in Boston, and they just burnt out. They did coke, and they fucking partied, and they all owed the IRS a million dollars, and they were fucking savages. And they didn't write a lot of new material, but back then, in those days, I would put them up against any comic ever.

That's what I've heard before. I would put Don Gavin up against any comic I've ever seen ever as far as craftsmanship, skill, delivery, timing, confidence, passion. Not even passion, I should say. Just his charisma on stage. His ability to just get you to laugh at just the perfectly timed joke. Doc Gavin was a killer. They don't like to leave the neighborhood. Well, they got rich there.

I mean, when you're making several thousand dollars a week doing comedy in Boston, and all of a sudden you're going to go on the road, and you're going to make one-fourth that, and people are going to not come out to see you. You know, you're doing the punchline Atlanta. They don't know who the fuck you are. So there's half full crowds and they don't care about Boston so they don't want to hear all your Boston jokes,

which are your best jokes. Right. You know, there's a lot of guys that have all this Boston-centric material in Boston and they will crush with it. They will rush with it. But if you go to Virginia, they don't give a fuck about Boston.

They don't want to talk about it. Was Dennis Leary in that scene? Like, who came out of there? Yeah, he was in the scene. He kind of got out of the scene pretty quick, though. He got out of the scene with his MTV shit and then with his first special where he got all the comparisons to Hicks. Sure.

Where everybody was going, stealing Hicks material. Yeah, I've seen those different ones in their entirety. Yeah. They're interesting. Very interesting. Yeah, pretty obvious. Real interesting. Yeah, pretty obvious. Real obvious. Yeah, he was a hack from the beginning.

It's really sad. It's like, you know. But he's a guy that just was real super ambitious, just wanted to make it, and this is his thing. He found this thing. He created, crafted this character, and then all of a sudden he needed some material to go along with it. So he just kind of copied whatever other people said that was cool

and reworked it. It was very obvious. I see that happen with some guys, especially who have been just for a few short years and they'll get an opportunity. I'll see those guys do that

just to survive. It's one of the biggest problems with a guy like Minstelia. Minstelia and there's a few other guys in town. You know where they are. Yeah. And there's a few guys

that are doing well and they're doing well by doing just that and it's blatantly obvious to young kids coming up. So instead of like when I started out in Boston, I mean, you were like ostracized if you were a thief. You were a hack. You were a point. And there was mistakes.

Sure. And sometimes people come up with jokes. They don't even know that somebody else said it. I've seen it before. Yeah, it happens all the time. I've done it myself. There's mistakes, and then there's people forget that they heard a joke before. Right.

There's all sorts of shit that people have parallel thinking. That's possible, too. But there comes a point in time when you're watching dudes where you know they've seen someone before, and you know, oh, he's just doing this and reworking it, and he's changing it and making it this way. Right, because there's such a specific thing, obviously with the Carlos thing, the Bill Cosby thing. It's like, that's not common thinking. My God. Well, he's a sociopath.

That dude's got to disconnect. You've got to be. You hear him on the Mark Maron podcast? Yeah, I heard the whole thing. Oh, my God. And I'm good for Mark for having him back the second time. Because Mark's like, you know what? I don't feel good about that.

I feel like I deprived you of something. The first thing was gross. That's why he said that. Because he was embarrassed by how gross he sounded. Softballs, yeah. It wasn't just softballs It was like he was saying Well, you got there through comedy

At least you did it through comedy You did it through comedy I don't know what the fuck that means You're a real comedian What does that mean? You like comedy It's like, come on You know what his thing is?

He has this thing for people who've made it through comedy He thinks that's the right way All these other people have sold out Man Man, you didn't do it the right way It's, he thinks that's the right way. All these other people have sold out, man. sure, yeah. Man, you didn't do it the right way.

It's like, good luck doing it that way. The grossest thing about the Marin thing was that he thought that, the video that Brian and I made, he said, I think it should have been

handled through the community. He said that? That's what he said, yes. Oh yeah, that's right. That it could have been handled somewhere.

Like, how has it ever been handled through the community, ever? Name one time. They don't give a fuck. That was the whole purpose for the whole thing. The community didn't give a fuck the kid that was the whole purpose for the whole thing the community didn't give a fuck they all knew he was stealing

everyone from comedy central knew he was stealing everybody that worked on the set on that show i knew writers they all knew he was stealing this was not no one was stopping this and then marin says this and then he goes and has him on for fucking three hours talking about it oh it should have been handled into the community, inside the community. You just talked about it for three hours on a podcast. Yeah, he's broadcasting to the community. Our video was ten minutes long, Mark. Yeah, exactly.

I remember that. But he's one of those dudes. Marin is one of those dudes. I remember that night, and goddammit, if that didn't really expose him, if that didn't... That was it. It worked.

Oh, it worked. It did work. It straightened out a real problem. It was amazing to see. Marin's comparisons were so ridiculous because he was like, you know, he's talking about parallel thinking or guys sounding like guys. That's, yes. Those are, obviously, those are very real circumstances.

It happens amongst comics. I mean, I found myself many times in my career sounding like other comedians that I admired. But there's a big difference between that and ganking people's shit. And Mencia was doing it blatantly in front of everybody all the time. I mean, it's done for him. He's a pariah, right? Yes. He is what he is. His audience has been reduced to what it should have been in the first place.

People without an internet connection and people who are so stupid they don't care if you're full of shit. What kind of... What does he look at? Is he doing theaters? He's doing good. I'm sure he's making a living. There's plenty of retards out there, bro. You think he'll get back on TV? NAS's doing good. I'm sure he's making a living. You know, look, there's plenty of retards out there, bro. You think he'll get back on TV? NASCAR is huge.

And, you know, I mean, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with fast cars. Right. You know, they're pretty fucking cool. I would love to, you know, I wouldn't even mind going to see one lot. Right. But if you ever look in the audience at NASCAR. Yeah. Oh, absolutely.

There's people out there, man. Yeah. And there's a lot of them. Yeah. And they're fucking dumb. Yeah. You ever see those Sarah Palin book signing lines? The looks on them

Christ A teabag or rally It's like you hate to lump people in But it's like come on There's so many of them bro Let's talk about that We live in a nerfed society We live in a society that makes it real easy

For these pussies to get by And they just turn out dumb and simple And they want to be around other dumb simple. And they just turn out dumb and simple. And they want to be around other dumb, simple people. They want to fight everybody who disagrees. I'll take it on this land. When my grandfather died fighting for this land. Shut the fuck up.

And they have kids. And you just look at the kids. You're like, there's no hope. You fucking blood clot for progress. You cunt. You dumb fuck. And that's the problem with voting. The problem with voting the problem with voting is there's at least as many of them as there are people that are sensible right and

there's a lot of people that are sensible that are barely keeping it together the stress of modern day society is too much for the fucking mortal body right people's bodies are not meant for fucking four hours every day in traffic and bullshit and fucking stress at work because you have to pretend to be someone that you're not because you want to keep your job. So you have to listen to this fucking cuntbag, stupid, retard boss. The only reason he's in there is because he married the fucking boss's daughter. And holy shit, you're losing your marbles, bro. And then you start falling apart at the seams.

Well, you can vote too. You can vote too. You don't have your brain in order. You're not making good decisions. Your whole life's a goddamn mess. We've got a problem here with these goddamn liberals who want to take my taxes. That's not the problem. We got a bigger problem, a way bigger problem. A much bigger problem.

We're moving in a direction, and no one has analyzed the direction. We're just going. It's just amazing when those people, though, they think, if you make less than $200,000 a year, you're not a Republican. I hate to tell you, but you're just not. You're not a real one. You don't know what you're doing. You don't know what you're doing, and you're not servicing

a party that's made for you. Isn't it amazing that they've managed to connect being good folk and being good god guns and government. They've managed to connect all that together with big business that doesn't give a fuck about you or the environment. They've managed to connect hunting and

fishing. Bush would always be hunting and the famous thing where Dick Cheney shot his friend or the environment. They've managed to connect hunting and fishing. Bush would always be hunting and the famous thing where Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face. Sarah Panglin's always shooting. All the conservatives, all the ones who want to let these fucking raping companies just continue, these Monsantos and fucking Halliburtons, continue

to fucking just crush across the world. These are the hunters. And they get the people like that, like the Palins. It's cool. It's chic now, especially in this election,

to be dumb. Yeah. To not know anything. Ignorance is now celebrated in politics. Elitism is poo-pooed and shadowed. Oh, he went to

an Ivy League school. That's a good thing. That's a good thing when you go to an Ivy League school. Yeah, he doesn't understand us. Yeah, he doesn't understand us regular folks. understand us regular folks

No regular folks should not I started out on my dad's farm And I went whoa whoa whoa What books have you read Why the fuck are you going to be the leader What is exceptional about your philosophy We're getting people that are just good talkers That's all we require

We just required him to be able to talk good in public And look like someone who could be leader The president should be the smartest person in the room right but is that possible i don't think that the whole world needs leaders i think that the way we exist right now we exist in the same manner that they existed when there was 500 monkey people to a group and they all had to fight off the the the coming tribes you know the tribes that would come and try to steal their shit yeah and they all had to rely on the baddest motherfucker. Who's the guy who's been around the longest? He's the guy who knows how to escape.

He knows the trails. He knows where the food is in the woods. He knows the best places to hide. Yeah. You know? I think the president should be Miss America. Every year, we get to look at a hot, new, sexy president. Okay, Brian.

Wouldn't that be awesome? Like, the president gives speeches in, like, fucking swimsuits and stuff? That would be way better. And, you know, it's hard to tell, too. to tell too it's like think about this like obama he's only been in two years and it's like you know and he did make a good point on john stewart show he's like i didn't guarantee this shit overnight well and here's the thing can it be fixed doesn't it seem like it's built on a foundation of unfixable shit it seems like the the our stock, this Taibbi article that I was reading about the stock market, when he was talking about how many companies are betting against BP, that there's like this gigantic derivatives market where people get to gamble on whether or not someone defaults on their loans and gamble whether or not a company can succeed and repay loans.

And there's like this shadow economy that's based on all that. It's a mind fuck. That is. Dude, what I've always said about this is if they can rip off accountants, how crazy is this shit? How crazy is this shit for real? Forget about you and I who know nothing about the economy. They're ripping off accountants.

That's how deep this fucking web. They're creating non-tangible things to make tangible money. And they're getting away with it. Somehow or another, they're getting away with it. And instead of fixing and putting in a totally new operating system, they're just putting up new paths and new parts of the registry and new pathways. They talk about that. That's what stifles America's growth in a lot of ways.

Like in Japan and China, their internet is just far superior to ours. Is it really? Because we use the pre-existing structure. Yeah, it's super, super fast. Really? They have, what do they use? What do you call it? Fiber optics.

Fiber optics. And see, we have a pre-existing copper and kind of old school wiring. That's why the cable companies and the internet have never really gotten in bed in this country. Everywhere else, that internet TV is normal. Really? To access the web from your TV and have it pull up. They're just starting to really do that now. Sony's released a nice, like it's a 40-incher.

Yeah, they got a Google TV. It's like a TV internet thing. It gets everything from your TV. And they should have that. And that technology has been available for 10 fucking years. They should have been doing that. I think there's been a lot of resistance. There has.

Those cable companies are big time. They run a fucking major, you want to talk some serious you know con artists it's a cable company yeah oh for sure and then the internet popped up we already had a pre-existing structure and so china never had one so they just built a whole fucking new one it's like look at us that like they laugh at our internet it's instant yeah push some instant do whenever i do a thread on your message board with like speed tests it's like i'm all proud of my you know whatever 30 megabyte download connection but then You get 30 megs? Something like that, yeah.

Is this the U-verse? AT&T U-verse? God damn, 30 megs? Yeah. But then you look at other people's and they're like, 88 megs. Dude, I remember when I used to play Quake, there was dudes that would get like four ping. Their ping would be like four. I'm like, how is this?

Are you in the room with the server? Right. How are you getting four? They were just on some crazy, fat fucking cable pipe. When cable internet first came around and everybody else had ISDN, oh my God, you could get online and rape them. They were frozen.

Their shit would be like, they'd have 150 ping from a 56K modem or an ISDN line. And what ping is, is the amount of milliseconds it takes between the actual action and it happening. So you would have to lead. Like, if you want to shoot a guy with a rail gun, you'd have to assume that he was going to keep running in the same direction. You would actually lead him.

So you would aim right in front of him with a rail gun. And you'd have to plan in your mind for 150 milliseconds. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. The guys were really good. There was guys that would kill you. They would fuck you up, even with a lag.

Because they became. They knew how to lead you. They knew how to time the lag, and they knew like, what weapons were good to like, to like, you know,

deal with the non, non-specific aiming that you had to employ. That's pretty damn smart. Dude, it was incredible. Dudes become, you get tuned into it,

and you become like, one of the things about like, video games, it's like your, your fast twitch, and your movements, and everything, they become in tune

with the parameters of the game. Well, they say that that teaches kids skills today. That is helping their motor skills. Because I played that Grand Theft Auto, but I never stole cars. I would go play the free mode where you can just run around the city and wreak havoc. And you start to develop a lifestyle. I became a sniper, a really good one. I was Lee Harvey Oswald.

And I would snipe people. And I was really, really good at it. And I would go sit on top of buildings. And I would call you on the cell phone because you had the earpiece. And the guy would be like, hello? I'd be like, say cheese, motherfucker. Boom. And I'd off him from a skyscraper.

And it's like I started living this life, and I would get thrills out of it. I'd get excited. I'd be proud of myself. I got really good at flying a helicopter. It's fucking hard to fly a helicopter. The best thing I would always do is like, hey,

everybody get in the helicopter. I'm going to take you to the top. And then I jump out. I kill them all. And I laugh my ass off. And you blow them up? Yeah. You left the sky.

Oh, you just let them fall from the sky? Yeah, you'll commit suicide but it's hard to see them because they're working on something. Because they're like, motherfucker,

I was working on something over because it's New York. It's like, I was over in Brooklyn. You take me all the way over here to do this, you fucking dick. Dude, I was working on something over because it's New York. It's like, I was over in Brooklyn. You take me all the way over here to do this, you fucking dick. Dude, that shit. Or you land it on top of the Statue of Liberty. It's just so fun.

You go around exploring. There's no rules, and you just run amok. But after a while, there is kind of an understanding. If you see another dude, sometimes a dude will just come up with beef. Just doing drive-bys on you. You're like, all right. But then sometimes a dude will walk come up with beef like just doing drive-bys on you you're like all right but then sometimes the dude will walk up and want to hang out those are the guys you take for a ride i roll solo i'm charles bronson in that fucking city i ain't hanging out with nobody you get in my car i'm gonna you're gonna get got dude you're done with

i'm gonna embarrass you people i jack people i had no friends in liberty city poor matt the door guy at the comedy store, was like, hey, let's meet up, man. Give me your code. And I was like, yeah, all right. I show up, and I'm like, boom. Like, what the fuck? I was like, it's just the way it goes in Liberty City, homie.

You're a dick. Dudes get hurt. That's hilarious. Why make friends if I can shoot you? And suffer no repercussions for it. I got friends in real life, bitch. I'm a lone wolf in that fucking city, dude. That's hilarious.

Grab a car, listen to some tunes, go do drive-bys on people, provoke the police. That game is so much fun. Now, do you do this online with a PC? I do it online. Or with an Xbox? I do it online with a PS3. I fucking hate game controllers. You need to get over it.

You need to just play it for a month and you'll get used to it. Oh, you only do it with computers. Mouse and keyboard is better. It's just better, period. I've tried both. I understand the appeal of a little game controller. It is not as specific. Aren't the graphics better on a computer?

Just always? Yeah, the graphics are better. The resolution is better. But more importantly, when you're in front of the screen, you shouldn't be dealing with, if you really want to pay attention, more than 21 inches. 21 inches. You want a small screen.

It's not too big because otherwise your eyes are not going to be able to keep up with everything. You're right about that. A mouse and a keyboard is way better. You can move much more specifically with a mouse and a keyboard. A mouse is way more accurate

as far as aiming. In fast Twitch games like Quake and Unreal Tournament and all those crazy games. Grand Theft Auto is not like that. Can I get Grand Theft Auto on computer? You can, but you don't need to do mouse. That's a game that you use that mouse and keyboard.

Grand Theft Auto is not a fast Twitch game. Well, all video games are moving to joystick, though. Full range of motion, most of them are. I've gotten so good at the Xbox controller, the PS3 controller, that I don't even realize I'm using my hands. Yeah, it's secondary. I don't even realize I'm using my hands. Yeah, it's secondary. The problem is once you've done Quake, once you've experienced this super high adrenaline rush

of really high speed 3D action, the death matches, rocket launches, and shotguns and shit. I'm all about death matches. That's all I'm about, bro. I'm all about this. I don't want a regular... I want a game where I can walk regular speed.

I want a game where I can rocket jump. I want to shoot a rocket at the ground and jump at the same time and go flying through the air. That's badass. You need to play so many more games. I can. I can. I get bored. When you play Deathmatch on Grand Theft Auto,

I like that shit on Grand Theft Auto, that Deathmatch. There's a Deathmatch? There's a Deathmatch. They'll throw 18 people from all around the world. All games have Deathmatches. I love killing somebody I know is real. I just know somebody. On the other end. Someone's on the other end.

They're really experienced. Yeah, and I got the earpiece and everything. And I'd go into rooms. There'd be a bunch of teenage boys. They'd be like, yeah, niggas, who's ready to get killed? And they'd be like, who is this guy? Nobody would talk shit to me. It's amazing how a voice will work.

Nobody would talk shit. I'd be like, yeah, yeah, motherfucker had that feel. That's hilarious. I'm 12. I do voices and shit all the time. It was fucking this one. So everybody's allowed to talk when you get in a room? Yeah, everybody can talk.

You can mute yourself. You can mute people if they get annoyed. And then you'll hear French. You'll hear Chinese. You'll hear little kids that are fighting with their mom, and you're giving them advice. Like, throw her Vagiso at her. And then you'll hear the dismay

of somebody when you fuck them up in a death match. And I was nasty. I was a grenade expert. I would hold it and do a drive by you and drop it at the last second and take off and just fuck your world up. Battlefield where you just drop a grenade like you're driving with somebody and then you get out and you put a grenade in.

Yeah, it's so good. I had to stop playing. I had to stop playing to live my life again. I was like, I'm not living my life. Do you remember Robert from the Comedy Store, the manager who got addicted to World of Warcraft? Robert Davies? Not World of Warcraft.

No, the other one, EverQuest. Was Robert Davies? Yes, yes. You remember Robert? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know he was into that. Famous Robert quote. I say this all the time to people

when I talk about people who are addicted to games. We're in the back of the Comedy Store, back by the bar area, and he goes, it's so weird. I'm so successful in my online life, but so unsuccessful in my real life. Because his online life in EverQuest, he was a pimp. He was like a sorcerer with magic

and shit. That's great. Yeah, he had pet dragons in his online life. There was a documentary about those people, The World of Warcraft. Did you see that one? It was amazing what it cost them. Very dangerous. It's like a bad drug habit. It's like heroin.

People have let their kids starve because they get addicted with these online role-playing games. I met this hot chick that was supermodel hot, and I found out that she was addicted to that game like 12 hours a day. World of Warcraft? Yeah, and it just blew my mind. It was like, okay, this game might not be too bad.

I would play Grand Theft Auto probably like up to four hours a day, and I felt like that was even a waste. It's so cool, though, to put these headphones on and to click and enter into a world where there's a bunch of other people online, and it's a gigantic, massive arena, so you can wander around all these different areas. What's the one that just came out? Bobby Lee keeps trying to get me to get. He plays it all the time. It's Las vegas oh no fallout fallout fallout

that's what i'm playing right now is that what you're playing you like that oh fuck yeah have you played the first one the fallout 3 dude fuck that get fallout 3 for 19 play that thing you'll fucking love it and go beat because it's the exact same game but it's in vegas i love deathmatch and gta so much i never felt the need to play another game. And then I heard Medal of Honor is pretty good, too. What is this Fallout game like? It's more like first-person shooter mixed with a role-playing game,

but it's one of these games that, because he likes Grand Theft Auto, it's just an open sandbox, meaning there is tons of different endings. There's tons of different... You can either be a good person or a bad guy, but what's cool is just going into these towns and it's really realistic.

Why don't they do it with a mouse and keyboard? Because everyone's used to the controllers. But it's not as accurate. Yeah, but only a certain amount of games, like Quake, doesn't need to be that accurate. They've actually had game-offs where they've taken people with PC versions of the game and played them against people that used it. Yeah, for Quake. That's what I'm saying.

Not just Quake. There's only certain amount of games that need to be that accurate. Meaning, if you are all playing Battlefield with a controller, there's people that are awesome at the controller. What I'm telling you is that you're missing one of the most satisfying parts of the game. Yeah, but you're talking statistics

and numbers. What is Quake? I've never played that. I'm not talking statistics and numbers. I'm talking about the most satisfying part of these game. Well, yeah, but you're talking statistics and numbers. I've never played that. I'm not talking statistics and numbers. I'm talking about the most satisfying part of these third-person shooters is having nasty aim, is being able to blast dudes in fast Twitch games. But they make games

with the controller in mind, so you can't have nasty aim playing any of these games. But you won't have as good aim as playing with the mouse and the keyboard. When they've played against each other, the mouse and the keyboard people always win. Yeah, but... Because it's more accurate. I understand that it against each other, the mouse and the keyboard people always win.

Yeah, but... Because it's more accurate. I understand that it's accurate enough, but you think it's accurate enough, but if you were playing against a guy who had a mouse and a keyboard, it's not accurate enough. Right, but you're never playing with a guy with a mouse and a keyboard.

You're playing other people with controllers. But why would you do that if you know a mouse and a keyboard's more accurate? Because you get... See, the whole... Listen, man, the whole thing is accuracy in those games. The whole thing is... In Quake, the whole thing is strategy, planning out your map, and then being able to accurately pick a guy off.

They designed the game with the controller and accuracy of the controller's limitations in mind. So what you might be playing Quake, where you are so... I understand this, Brian. You're repeating yourself. What I'm saying is it doesn't matter to me because I'll always know that the mouse and the keyboard is more accurate. For Quake? No, anytime. It's moreake. No, any time. It's more accurate.

No, no, no. You play back. A mouse is a more accurate way of aiming, period. I bet if you get the best Battlefield 1943 guy versus the best 1943 guy on a computer, I bet there's not going to be a huge difference to where you can go. There's a difference, man. There's a difference.

The mouse guys always win. It's more accurate. This is not like an opinion. There's a difference, man. There's a difference. The mouse guys always win. It's more accurate. This is not like an opinion. It's pretty much more accurate. You can measure it on a computer. You're shutting off all games on the console because you don't like the controller where a game like Grand Theft Auto

has nothing to do with the accuracy. But to me, if I'm going to play video games, I'm going to play the most thrilling ones. And the most thrilling ones to me are first-person shooters. Deathmatch-style first-person shooters. Yeah. Deathmatch-style first-person shooters. Yeah, that's what I like.

Like Quake, Counter-Strike, shit like that. You're running around shooting. The mouse and keyboard is the only way to go with those things, man. That's exactly what the deathmatch in Grand Theft Auto, and you have all of New York City as your playground for a deathmatch. I could be totally down with that, though, but I would want to be able to get people with a mouse and keyboard. You could snipe people and shit.

Dude, I snipe. I am a nasty sniper. That's what I'm saying. You have to make sure that they're not looking at you. I with a mouse and a keyboard. You could snipe people and shit. Dude, I snipe. I am a nasty sniper. That's what I'm saying. You have to make sure that they're not looking at you. I'm a level 10, dude. I'm Lee Harvey Oswald. When you're playing Quake, you don't get opportunities. Dudes don't sit around and just wait to be shot in the head. Right, right. Everybody's constantly moving. Oh, yeah. You have to be very accurate.

Oh, these guys move all the time. You go to the airport and have the deathmatch, dude. I go find a nest somewhere and I just let them run and I'll lead them. I'll lead them. In Quake, they call it camping. A dude would rocket jump up. There was certain crazy trick moves that you could do and one of them was

this dude figured out how to double rocket jump to get to the top of this tower. He would throw a grenade down and then he would rocket jump on the grenade. Oh, that's so cool. So he would make sure

that the grenade, he'd time the grenade, he'd clink, clink, clink, and then he would rocket jump, ba-dum, as it went off. I love it. And he would go sailing to the top of this tower. It wasink clink and then he would rocket jump as it went off and he would go sailing to the top of this tower it was a trick move and then he would just jack people and win the map because you couldn't get him out of there and he would just peck you off of the rails i should go get this today quake oh fuck yeah you could have got it yesterday one two three

four they've all been out you don't want quake get kill zone two have you played that yet why do you want why do you say you don't want quake i want quake i love it because kill zone two is a million times better there's so many games that are a million times Why do you say you don't want Quake? I want Quake. I love it. Because Killzone 2 is a million times better. There's so many games that are a million times better. To you. You just haven't played them. To you. You just described everything.

I love warfare. I just love warfare. If you love warfare, you can be tactical. Yes. One-on-one death matches with Quake are the most fucking thrilling shit you can ever do online. It's whittled down to one dude online and some before, and it gets real exciting. Brad, you love different tastes than me. No, no. I'm just saying my tastes are different.

I'm just saying that they've taken that game and have made it a million times better. You're saying it to you. There's a ton of games. To me, if it's not a mouse and keyboard, and you don't have that kind of accuracy... You can get these for Mac? Most of these games are for Mac also.

A lot of the Call of Duty. Has Mac caught up? Not really, right? It's alright. EA has been pushing it a little bit better. What's a good one I can get for Mac?

They all have boot camps. Can I get Quake for Mac? Yes. Is it getting to a point now though where most games are just going console? For the most part.

I mean they still release them here and there but it's not, they're selling a million times more on console. Most consoles are becoming... Just because you can have the best computer and then you get that game and it's awesome it's they're selling a million times more on console yeah most consoles are becoming just because it's so you can have the best computer and then you get that game and it's awesome next year you're gonna have to do something about your computer if you want it

as good as a console or whatever so the console what they've done is they just kind of standardized everything and this is what you get and bam you just set it up it should be updatable though like it makes sense i mean or your computer they're constantly updating a computer that's the problem then you get a virus or you get something that slows down your computer, and then you're fucked. Consoles, you know, everything is designed for the console, like a Mac is. You know, all the programs are designed for Macs. So it doesn't ever really get slower. Your PS3 is going to be as fast as the first day you get it is the last day.

PCs are. That quake on the way home, you already got me into it. I love killing people. So addictive, dude. Are you good at aiming with a mouse and a keyboard? No, but I can get me into it. I love killing people. So addictive, dude. Are you good at aiming with a mouse and a keyboard? No, but I can get good at it. I would go online, man, and I would play against dudes who are professionals. Like every now and then dudes who are real professional players would be in these rooms.

And you'd go one-on-one deathmatch against these guys and just get raped. And just realize what kind of control and domination someone can have over you. I always love that. It's so exciting. Your fucking heart is beating a million miles an hour. Dude a minute just chasing after you see lightning going right by your head barely missing you and like did i love it i love urban warfare too especially that's the cool thing about grand theft auto they have that you know you can go to different boroughs in new york and stuff and actually you can get quick live for free just go to quick live.com and yeah play for free

yeah really like live yeah yeah you it's a it's a web-based program to quicklive.com and you can play for free. Really? Yeah. Yeah. It's a web-based program. It works for Mac, too. And you... Fuck. Keep me away from it. So scary, man. Quick Live.

And I'm on. And I'm gaming. You lose your goddamn life, bro. They're going to get you. No, I love it. They're going to get you. I love it. Hitting you with a chain gun.

Oh, I love it, man. I love it. I love it. I was so nasty in Deathmatch and the other one. It's like I would come up just to piss somebody off. I'd stab them to death. They'd have a gun and I'd shank them to death just to be a dick. When Brian and I first met, we played online once.

And this was like in the height of my quake addiction. And we only played once. Yeah, he slammed three. He won like 102 times in a row or something. I didn't even win. But to me, that wasn't even like a fun experience. Well, that was because it was unmatched. Well, no, I mean, I've played Unreal.

I've played the Quakes all my life. But to me, the idea of just run, run, run, kill, kill, die. Run, run, run, kill, die. That's not fun to me. It's like I want a little bit more of an adventure, I guess, mixed in with my first-person shooter. Or just, you know, not having to start over from scratch every my first person shooter or just you know not having to start over from scratch every 30 seconds or a minute you know like well normally you don't you know well we were just it was it was not enjoyable just gotta stay alive matched we were

poorly well see the thing is i don't like fair i don't like tasks i've never stolen a car and i don't work for anybody shoot people yeah i'm gonna run down hallways and lightning gun someone to death right i'm all about i bring nothing but hate i'm here to shoot people. I'm here to run down hallways and lightning gun someone to death. I'm all about murder. I bring nothing but hate and evil. I'm here to rocket launch you in the face, bitch.

I love that shit. I'm here to catch you when you're hitting that bouncy pad and jumping through the air. I want to catch you mid-jump with a rail gun and watch you explode

in a spray of red. I love that, dude. Red pixels. QuakeLive.com is that what we're talking about? QuakeLive.com. And I can just get on

and play for free? It's so much fun. Yeah, I mean, since you've never played it, you'll probably like it, but I think you're going to be easily, like, okay. No, no, I think you're just going to be easily bored with it. You're going to be more for, like, the Vegas, Fallout Vegas or something. Why would you say that? Why would he be easily bored if he likes deathmatches?

Because he likes Grand Theft Auto-type games. But he likes deathmatches. But just the deathmatch in Grand Theft Auto. I never do the tasks. I've never done any of the tasks. Right, right, right. That's what I'm saying. But you like the open-end role. You're not dying every three seconds in Grand Theft Auto. You're collecting weapons. Brian, you only die every three seconds when you play someone who's way better than you.

Well, in the deathmatch you do. If you watch people in the deathmatch or Quake, people are dying at least once every minute or so. You're talking... Okay, once every minute, yeah. But you're also talking are you talking one-on-one are you talking no i'm talking about my team death match team death match free for all you know yeah if i'm playing a death match in gta and there's 18 people that you're dying about an average a minute and you're good if you're going right in the middle of it

and especially to me i'm like you i get the sniper right i get collect my weapons i just like collect some health there's like some rooms where they only allow, like the moderator will only allow rocket launchers. So you have to just basically go around shooting by people's feet. Zero gravity. And fuck yourself up. Yeah. So those ones are cool too. But I like warfare.

I like collecting my weapons and getting a grenade. Yeah. And tactically leading somebody into a trap. Well, that's the best thing about the Deathmatch and Quake is that you control a map and that the weapons will respawn every 30 seconds. Oh, that's great. So you can keep running around snatching up the rocket launchers as they respawn. And every time you get them, you get extra rockets. And this guy can't get shit.

So he's running around with his gay little pistol with only a certain amount of bullets. And you're fully loaded with all the armor. You're timing all the armor. You're timing all the weapon respawns. You have all your weapons, all your armor, and you're just raping him every time he respawns. How is it free? How are they making money? Can you pull it up?

It's an old game. Quake has been around for a long time. And Quake Live is just their way of giving back to the community and making people excited about their game. And making it so that it's a cross-platform thing that they can do where it's web-based. So they can work on their shit while they develop new games. They work on their ability to make them for the web. Do you still play? Are you still playing? No!

It's scary to me. Too scary. I don't want to lose my life. I've talked about it so many times in the podcast. I can't talk about it anymore, but I have a real addiction to games. I get addicted to things. Yeah, me too. We talked about it. How many comics are like us? A lot, right?

It's part of it. You have to be. You have to be a sick fuck to want to go up and make strangers laugh, to extract an involuntary response for them intermittently. It's a fucking weird thing. And risk them not laughing and get through them not laughing and rebound and try it again. Yeah. You should have seen me.

I was in Iowa at the Pony Bone last week, and the Friday night they just stared at us. Just stared at us. And I was like, oh, my God. This is going to be a long weekend. Luckily, it was just a different crowd, and the rest of the crowds were great. So much so, in fact, I was very impressed.

I was like, oh, you guys are pretty fucking cool people here. They were very... There's a lot of cool people all over the country now because of the internet. Yeah. The kids are cool now. Just a very cool... And there was no conservative. There's some of of cool people all over the country now because of the internet. Yeah. The kids are cool now. Just a very cool, and like there's not, there was no conservative, there's some, you know, some of the libertarians, which are like, I feel bad for real libertarians, the one

that the teabaggers are starting to extract their message, which they're nothing about. Real libertarians aren't like that at all. But there's some real libertarians out there and some cool guys that talk politics. There's some teabaggers that are real libertarians. Yeah, there are. There's the Ron Pauls of the movement. And I feel bad that they get lumped in with the wrong ones the whole when you know it's it's a very very tricky thing when you start getting a giant group together because it's like okay who's in this group okay and what are your beliefs right but you're calling

yourself a tea bagger too but you don't like black people right okay and you think obama should go back to africa and you think he was born in indonesia and you're but you're a tea bagger too right so it's like it gets confusing it's like whenever you have a big group it's like god damn it do i have to state what it is to be a teabagger you must love everyone you know indiscriminately you must do this you must do that you must not be a civil war reenactor yeah i mean libertarians had theirs pretty well mapped out though before they you knew exactly what they stood for no police states no funny though that's such a fringe organization that it's thought of as fringe like oh i voted libertarian oh you fucking idiot and that's it that's the only way to make change if somebody finally does something and says fuck

this fuck voting right or wrong or fuck voting i'm voting with how i feel instead of voting because it's like they were saying when obama was running it's like i liked ron paul a lot i really liked him i was like god i kind of think i want to vote for this guy. You know, I won't say whether I did or didn't, but it's like I could really, I was more attuned with everything he was saying. Yeah, without a doubt. But we've talked about this before,

that they always made him out to be kooks. Yeah. Everyone on Fox News made him out to be a kook. Everyone on CNN. I mean, that's not impartial reporting. That's not even the news. What they're doing is they were programming us to think that he was a joke candidate.

That was the agenda. And it really is sad, because when you listen to that man talk, he makes more sense than anybody. He's not a politico. These are not statements or catchphrases. He'll tell you honestly, and it's like, wow, you'll never get in the office because nobody will ever have the balls to pull the trigger on you. It's a real wake-up call whenever there's any political campaigning. Whenever you look at that crazy lady in

arizona what is the woman's name yeah jane brewer who uh she made up some crazy shit about her father dying in world war ii meanwhile her father's alive like yeah there was that now there's the dui things popping up yeah she's fucking crazy and you know she made up shit about uh people losing their headless bodies being found on the Mexican border in America. You see her phone on her debate, how she just froze? She stopped for 10 seconds. I was like, who does that? Who really does that? I wouldn't stop at gunpoint.

Well, what it was explained to me was that she was never even elected for that job. She was given that job. Well, when Napolitano left, she was lieutenant governor. She was. And you know what? They will elect her today. You think so? That's my old hometown, man. I love my people there, and I love springtime in Arizona, but there's some politically backwards. It's gotten more backwards since I've left.

It was pretty cool in the 90s. Fife Symington was governor. We were in a club in Phoenix, and Brian set me hip to one of the major problems in Phoenix. Do you remember that? This was a long time ago, many, many years vampires oh yeah we were in this club and uh i had never done coke before and brian goes everyone's on coke he's like what are you talking about everyone everyone here's on coke and i go okay okay tell me how you know they're on coke and he goes watch he goes you're gonna look around i'm don't look at you're gonna look around everyone's gonna be touching their

nose and they're all gonna be talking and they're all going to be talking, and they're all going to be very excited, and there's going to be a lot of fist pumps and a lot of fucking high fives. He goes, just look around. And all of a sudden, I looked around, and it was like the opening scene in Blade where the blood starts spraying from the ceiling. The guy's confused. What the fuck? He's like, what the hell, man?

That's so true because it's too hot during the day and they stay in the clubs all night. It's a very strange thing and it happened in the Old West, even in Wyatt Earp's day. There's just always been this strange outlaw rogue mentality there. Which is cool, but here's a problem with Phoenix. I love Phoenix. I love going back there. The problem with that place is it gets too hot.

120 at 2 a.m.? It's too hot and people stop thinking when it gets that hot. And it really is. And it's something where it's like, you know, I haven't lived there in 10, 11 years and I could never, I don't know how I lived in it.

I don't know how I did it. I don't know how. Extreme heat brings like a lackadaisic mentality. You lackadaisical. You're like, ugh. Yeah, it does.

You don't want to do anything. You're like, fuck this. You just hopscotch from air conditioner to air conditioner. Yeah, yeah. That's literally what you do.

It's not good. I'd rather have chilly. I'd rather have 30 degrees. I would rather have 30 degrees like Colorado. It's fucking perfect here. It's like 75 degrees every day. It gets hot out here in the valley. It gets hot.

It's awesome in Malibu. When you're by the ocean, Santa Monica. With the marine layer and everything. Yeah, because it's never hot. It's never cold. It's always like 70-something degrees. You can always wear shorts in November if you want to. That's what hot. It's never cold. It's always like 70 something degrees. You can always wear shorts in November if you want. That's what's good about the marine layer. It keeps the heat out.

It keeps the cool in when it needs to. Until a big rock from the sky hits that bitch and the water comes a thousand miles high towards the rocks. I'll be out there looting, son. Will you be? Yeah, I'll be out there looting.

Will you go looting at the first sign of anything going wrong? Would you put a mask on? Or do you think you would just, fuck it, risk those YouTube videos? I think, you know what I would do is just go completely like Lord of the Flies. I'd get a crazy haircut. Yeah? Just do everything. One eyebrow, maybe off, you know, whatever. Mad Max style?

Yeah. Do you ever worry about that, about the end of the society, about everything falling apart? I don't worry about it. I think about it. And like I said earlier, I think if I was part of the last generation, that'd be kind of a cool thing. You know? It would be. It's like, yeah, this generation, what about the last generation?

That's some cool shit. If we're all dying together. The last generation, it won't matter because there'll be no one to tell the story to. But you know what? Exactly. But there's no kaboom. There's no we end all at once. I think the idea is just like how it's happened before.

It's something real bad will happen, and then people will die out and replenish after a while. But it'll just be shitty times. Even if nuclear war happens all over the world. It's like we've got it too good right now with refrigerators and cell phones. We've got it wired, dude. Go to the supermarket, get a big fat steak,

pick up some fucking charcoal, come home, light that bitch, kick back, watch a little of the fucking high-def TV, watch some HD net fights and shit, have a cold beer out of your refrigerator. It's getting better. It's just getting better and better. It's the greatest time to be alive ever. It really is. And every day you can say that. And so when people say, too, like, I won't bring kids into this world, it's like, shut up, faggot.

It's never been good. Exactly. Shut your mouth. Would you rather bring them in the fucking King Arthur day? Yeah. Die a smallpox? Your baby's a witch. Yeah. Fucking beating it with sticks and lighting it on fire. Fuck you. It's the best time to have people right now. Absolute best time. And speaking of which, not speaking of which,

where are you at next? Where are you doing stand-up? I'll be at the Comedy Store locally here in LA this week. Then I'm going to be headlining in La Jolla. What time are your spots? Because you know the Comedy Store. I'm usually on at 10 p.m. Between 10 p.m. and 10.45. There's some times to avoid at that motherfucker.

Yeah, there certainly is. From 9 o'clock until midnight, it's pretty good. You guys have been getting good crowds down there? Yeah, real good crowds. We've joined the 21st century thanks to Alf Lamont. We're online now. Yeah, Alf is cool. Alf's real cool.

He's contacted me on Twitter. I've gone back and forth with him. It seems like he's dedicated to the idea of the store. That's what the store always needs. It needs someone to come along that believes in the whole message of it. Sure. And there really isn't a whole lot to do. Mitzi's on it.

Yeah. It's like Aunt Bethany in Christmas Vacation. Is the house on fire clock? How many conversations do you have with Tommy on a regular? Oh, dude, it's really since I don't. What's the most ridiculous shit he's ever said to you? Well, my favorite thing about it is it's not even like people say he's racist, he's not really racist

he just believes some crazy shit like what? if somebody does something and they're like oh it's because they're German I'd be like I don't care it's because they're Protestant it's like how do you even know it's just like he's a very interesting character him and Johnny Zapp

you know there's characters up there that you'll never forget as long as you live. It's a magnet for crazy people. It really is. And it's just like a beacon for them on the Sunset Strip. They would never try to walk into another business. They wouldn't walk into the Andaz next door. They wouldn't try that at the House of Blues. They come right to the store. It's a magnet.

And they know they can go to the very back and come out without being hassled. They know. Robert William Apervise. He has fucking plastic bags popping out of his clothes. You see him hanging out there. He insulates his body with plastic bags. He's got to walk like 10 miles to get to the condo store.

I saw him like last week. And he was talking to Tommy. And I was like, I just went to go like, hey, good day. You can't touch him. I know. He freaked out. He'll start yiping like a dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's nuts. I know. He freaked out. He'll start yiping like a dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he's nuts. I heard he played basketball at UCLA. Yeah? I heard he was quite brilliant. Really? I heard he was this brilliant. I mean, I shouldn't. He may have some sort of a mind disorder.

He was a brilliant dude. And now he's living like downtown in the Alexandria Hotel. He just went nuts. It's like schizophrenia got him. Because you can tell. You can have a conversation with him. I have. Brian was just talking about another guy that we know that went nuts it's like he schizophrenia got him because you can tell you can have a conversation with them i have brian was just talking about another guy that we know that went nuts yeah it just seems no because that's not as personal but i you know i i i think it's

weird how like if you look at comics in general there's a big part of these comics that uh you know they do end up losing their minds they They do end up going through huge things of depression and getting into hardcore drugs. Well, it's a crazy ride, man. The ride of needing to constantly be up and on that stage and constantly be pumping it out and turning it on for people. It's a very delicate balance, and you have to balance out your ego with your imagination,

with your desire to please people, with your desire to make yourself look... I mean, you have to figure out your ego with your imagination with your desire to please people with your desire to make yourself look i mean you have to figure out what the fuck you're doing this for why you're doing it you have to you know figure out why bits aren't working you got to figure out why they're not liking you you have to figure there's a lot of shit going on it's a it's a lot of stress for a lot of people and some of them just can't handle it after a while like the very need for it in the first place usually it usually signifies something went wrong in their childhood oh absolutely i always say that yeah i would say that that you know mine dad didn't play ball with me that's why i'm a comedian yeah that's exactly why i need the attention of people you know everybody right all of us and

have you ever met anybody that's any good that isn't like that yeah or that had a great upbringing and it's like yeah childhood was great and it's one of the reasons why you know we can identify with each other it's one of the reasons why we we appreciate each other and respect each other in a way that like even when i was talking about mark baron earlier i like mark i don't have a problem with mark but if i saw mark in like germany if i was like going through the airport in germany and all of a sudden i ran into mark i'd be like genuinely happy to see him right you know i'd be like somebody of your ilk. He's like one of me.

We might be different, but we're both comics. There might be a thousand of us in the whole country, for real. If you look at all the comedians in this country, all the professional comedians, there's 300 million plus people and Mexicans. Who knows how many that really is?

300 million plus people and out of them, maybe 1,000 of them are professional comedians. Out of that 1,000 comedians, maybe, how many are headliners? Are there 300? Are there 500? Is there even that many?

It's a very exclusive group. That's a nutty number, man. 500 people. That's pretty amazing. We're just throwing that off the top of our head, but I think it's probably pretty accurate.

You're probably dead right about that because we only we live in comedy cities it's like yeah you know when people meet a comedian outside of la or something it's like meeting an astronaut to them they're just they don't know what it's about totally you know i met the comedy community in indianapolis when i was in indianapolis i had some dudes that were like local comics there yeah it's nice to see it's nice to know that there's like a little amateur community and they've got i go well what else you do around here oh there's a bar that does comedy on tuesday night there's this place and this guy runs a room and you know they're trying to like develop some little comedy community they gotta go to iowa has it too when i was there they had a little community going he's

like you got any advice i go get the fuck out of iowa you know but it's not bad to start out in a place it sucks it's not bad and you know what the midwest they have some great clubs some funny bones they're they're always good and i always feel the need to support those clubs, too, and come back and do those clubs. I try to do all the cool little clubs. I love going back and doing the Punchline Atlanta. You ever do the Punchline Atlanta? I've never been. Oh, it's a fucking beautiful club.

Perfect size. It's got wood paneling, ancient photographs. I mean, it hasn't changed a nick. Isn't it the underground? Brian went up during a fucking UFC night. He hadn't done comedy in years. We were smoking weed and we were drunk. We were like,

do you want to do some comedy tonight? He's like, what? Tonight? Tonight in this fucking crowd? Come on, dude. Just get up there and do it. He goes, let me try to remember my stuff. He hasn't done comedy in how long? Three or four years. Three or four years.

And he only did it like 10 times before that. And this was a midnight UFC crowd at the Punchline Atlanta. But that's how good the Punchline is. That a midnight fucking crowd on a UFC night where there were just savages in the audience. Yeah. And he could still go out and kill. Oh, that's great, dude. It's a fucking classic club.

Perfect size. Great owners, too. Great setup.. It's a fucking classic club. Perfect size. Great owners, too. Great setup. I like how they have this little balcony. Comedy Works in Denver, that's another one. Fucking epic place. Epic little club. This weekend, I'm doing the Cap City Comedy Club in Austin.

You ever do that? No. Oh, one of the best clubs ever. God damn, it's one of the best clubs ever. God damn, it's one of the best clubs ever. God damn. This place is, in my opinion, the most exciting place to perform in the whole country. There's something about Austin and this Cap City has been around forever. And there's so many cool motherfuckers in Austin.

They get excited when cool people come to town. They love the arts in Austin. They're just big supporters of the arts. They super appreciate good comedy, too, because Hicks had a big arts in Austin. They're just big supporters of the arts. They super appreciate good comedy, too, because Hicks had a big base in Austin. There's a lot of really good local comics in Austin. There's a lot of really smart artists there. Yeah, they have a scene, Sixth Street and all that.

They definitely have a kick-ass scene there. Do you do Cap City? You ever do that? No. Oh, son. You've got to go there. I've got to. Locally, it's like, obviously the store.

Are you ever going to come back to the store, you think? No. You're a man of your word, I'll say. You vowed you wouldn't. I'm saying, sir. I'll say, fella. You're never coming back to Ciro's, huh? Listen, cocksucker, I've been there before. Been there, done that.

Moving on. Sure. Get your shoes signed over there. It would be an affront. It would be a travesty. It would be, I could not do it. They did everything that does not stand for comedy, they stood for. Everything that they should have been fighting against, they embraced.

The hackery. Not just that. The fact that I fucking worked for those assholes for free. My name was on the marquee every weekend. I promoted them on my MySpace page just to keep that place open. You were the only reason I could leave my shirt not inside out. When I worked the booth there, I was so fucking embarrassed about that lineup. Like, you were the only saving grace.

And dare I even say Eddie Griffin if he was in town. It was some dark, dark years, man. Because it was so embarrassing. Like, there was the girl who would eat the matzah and the crumbs. And there was the dingle. There was so many people there that didn't work anywhere else. And Mitzi gave them a fucking Friday, Saturday night spots in the prime. People would

come up and be like, do you work here? I'd be like, no. No, I don't. Dude, we had Renna Ziziani said the exact same thing. It's so embarrassing. It's like, you're just like, please Joe, put Joe on, put Joe on. I would lie to guys. Guys would come up and be like, am I on? I was like, no, you're not on. Actually, Mitzi called and said, we gotta put Joe on now.

It was just so bad. And we would pay. I'd look people in the face and tell them what was it, like $10 at the time. But I'd make them come in there and pay, and they'd be like, when's the comedy going to start? Now, I'll give them the credit. It's young guys. It's relevant people. You've got some upcoming guys. There's me, there's Steve, there's Al,

there's Steve Byrne. Ari. Ari. There's a lot of... Ari. Ari, there's a lot of guys who I would say, you're getting a good show. And there's this new crop of guys, too. Bobby Lee and I were talking about this. They don't quite mind their P's and Q's all the time. They don't understand the hierarchy there that you're not even allowed to look at me. You know what I mean?

Because Bobby gets real bent out of shape about that. He's like, fuck the new guy. I fucking hate that fucking new guy. He fucking looked at me. I was like, oh, God. Get out of here. that. He's like, fuck the new guy. I fucking hate that fucking new guy. He fucking looked at me. I was like, oh, God. Get out of here. Does he really want to have a hierarchy? Is he serious? He's like, these guys are not allowed to fucking talk to me.

I was laughing at that. Because this guy is the nicest guy in the world that he's talking about. Everybody likes this new guy. Comics get like that, man. I had a lot of comics when I was coming up that had been around before that would give you advice. When you get to fucking get two years in the business, then tell me what you think's funny. Okay, kid?

Right, right. Like, well, meanwhile, dude, you suck. How about that? How about you're never going to be funny? Yeah, that's the thing, too. I used to hate it.

I remember when I started there, there was these, like Frankie Pace was still hanging around. Oh, bitter. You want to talk about bitter. Bitter Frankie Pace face. Bitter.

He was angry at everybody. Look at this guy. He's got a fucking deal. He's on TV. What about me? You know who's doing that now is Kravitz. He's always around. Steve Kravitz?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard he took a long time off. He did. He's already coming back to comedy recently. He's been coming back. We were always friendly with each other. I still am friendly with him, but he's just a bitter, bitter guy. That's a real bad thing in comedy.

It's the worst. I've noticed I seldom shit on other comics because one, I'm not watching them, and two, I don't care. The thing is, the Carlos thing needed to be addressed. People shit on Dane Cook. He's never taken anything from me in my life. Dane is not a bad person. He's never taken anything from me in my life. What Dane did, he made some unfortunate

choices, and he's a super ambitious guy, and he's a powerful, motivated dude. It's no accident he is who he is. People will be like, I'll meet these guys, these young open muggers, like, screw Dane Cook.

I'm like, I was here 10 years ago when that guy was still grinding. And I have never met a comedian who worked that hard. Do you have to like his comedy? No, I don't like it. But is he a comedian? Yeah, he's a fine comedian.

Yeah, he's a comedian. The difference between him and Manstelia was so evident. It was a difference in... I'm glad that was pointed out, too, because even, I think, when he was comedian? Yeah, he's a comedian. Yeah, he's a comedian. The difference between him and Minstelia was so evident. It was a difference in... I'm glad that was pointed out, too, because even, like, I think when he was on your show, he was like, look, I am not him, and I do not deserve to be put into that. He doesn't. He does not deserve to be put into that.

No, not even remotely, not even close. What happened with Minstelia, too, was this crazy thing where he would go on in front of guys and do their material. Do you remember when he did that Loco thing, and he went in front of johnny sanchez and he did yeah he did like his closing bit before he brought him up and he would do that to people all the time he would just gank shit and do it in front of you and it was like and in your face look what i just got away with right it was like some sort of like like badass thing bully bully shit yeah it's a very mind fuck thing i remember marin pointed it out he said like you know

tell me about your first comedy experience I went and bought a book of jokes he said and then I went and told him well that Marin thing that was the most

disappointing thing is one of the reasons why I mean like I said I don't hate Marin he's a good guy he's trying to do the right thing

with his life but he said about this Mencia thing that me and him on stage was two bullies arguing over bullshit

I'm like man you know that's not fair because i didn't want this to happen and the only reason it happened the first place to get moron called me up on stage he actually got on stage took the microphone and called me up on stage got on stage took it from a guy who was on stage who i brought up and so i was like look if you want to do this i'll do this like i'm not scared of you like if you want to call me out in front of a room full of people that i just performed for and you want to continue this okay if you have the microphone okay you don't

deserve to have the microphone you're not even supposed to be on stage but if you want to do that and you've just hijacked the show i'll go up there and we'll figure out where this goes yeah that's what it was to me if it wasn't for brian and brian's editing skills i mean that would have never even hit the the air i didn't even know he was in the room and it happened you know what's crazy is before that even happened, he knew who I was and hated me because I had earlier made this other

Carlos Mencia video that was not successful at all, but I had made this video, and I remember he walked past me, stopped right next to me, looked at me, and chicken-necked me,

and that was something only bullies did in elementary school. When you go up to somebody and you flinch your face right into their face, like, whoo,

you know, like that. Oh, he did that. Woo! That was like a week before the video. He was so crazy. He chest checked me. I was on the way off the stage before he went on stage and took the microphone away from this guy. He stood in front of me and chest checked me. I can't believe he did that. Are you crazy? Of course he hasn't. I was like,

I will end your life with my bare hands right here. He started, he started drinking. Did he? Yeah. Are you serious? He's like 40-something. He just started. Wow.

I heard this on Marin's podcast. This is the reason why I can't go back to the store. They supported that guy. They embraced that guy. He hasn't been here for a while. He can still go anytime he wants. They set the worst example ever for the art. And if there was one club who should be governing of that.

It was a personal thing. It wasn't Mitzi's choice. Because I had spoken to Mitzi an hour before it happened. You were doing that on behalf of all the guys. He wasn't stealing from you. You were doing it on behalf of us. He wasn't stealing from me because I was so vocal about it. I knew it was coming.

And he did steal from me a bunch of times on the road. I got calls from guys who opened for him all over the country. I'd get calls from guys who went to see him in Houston. He was doing my bits. He was. He was doing everybody's shit. It wasn't just what you saw on the DVDs. It was every fucking night he performed he was doing people's shit. I mean, that exposed

him that night. I can't believe I was there. Dude, it had to be done, right? I mean, it had to be done. But that's what pissed me off about what Marin said. It was like, it's two bullies arguing over bullshit. Like, look, man, I might be a loud dude, and I might be aggressive, and I might be overly aggro, but I'm not a bully. Yeah, you were championing us, our cause that night. If you're a nice person, I'm going to be so nice to you. If you're a nice guy, I am fucking for sure nice back.

But if you're a dickhead to me, I gonna be a bigger dick back yeah and with that guy it wasn't even a matter of a bullying thing it was like we have a fucking criminal in our midst yeah and it's being supported by all the substructure it's being supported by all the club managers it's being supported by the the agents who are profiting off this guy running around stealing people's shit it's not like one guy like a robin williams who like occasionally he'll blurt out someone's material. We're talking about a guy who's just straight ganking people. It was a totally different sort of a situation. If you weren't there all the time, like I was and you were,

you wouldn't see how horrible it was. It was the worst atmosphere for creativity you could ever imagine, where everyone was worried, and we used to have to light the fucking light up when the dude walked into the room. You lit that light. How many times did you light that light? Yeah, a lot.

I knew when he was coming. He was working the fucking cover booth. Freddie was working the cover booth and when Mencia would come in, guys would need that light flashed for them to know that that guy was in the room. To know that Mencia was there. That is so dark.

It's amazing when you can okay that with yourself to still, it would make comedy really fucking easy. Well, it's more amazing that the clubs allowed it. Yeah, I know. It's not amazing that one person's crazy.

Right. What's amazing is that these clubs go, we can make money off this crazy person. It's fucking... Not even just the clubs, but it's like,

it's all of us, too. Somebody should have said something more about it. Yeah. It took you to say something. But you know what? Everyone says it like, hey, you did it, you called him out real it was but you know what everyone says it like hey you did it you called him out it was a total random moment right it

didn't have to happen it wasn't planned out it was just he he what he did is he played on my ego you know he's like you doesn't have the balls get up here i don't know if it was suicide by cop i don't know what it was it might have been because he had to know that this is going to end ugly right what are you gonna do you're gonna intimidate me what are you gonna do are you gonna you're gonna be wrong but he was so confident this is how i knew he was crazy when i went on stage he was so confident you know what the fuck have i ever stole when he was saying that to me he was so confident i was like oh my god am i crazy yeah did i make all this up he's good at it if i'm a hater have my my whole philosophy of

him just be had been formed by my own jealousy right so then i started naming bits and then as i was naming bits i just watched him fall apart. He sat down on the stool. His eyes were cracked. Like glass was shattering in his eyes. And like the lens, he was seeing the sunlight coming in and killing the vampire.

And then he sat down on the stool and then it became ugly. And then it became, the audience turned on him. And then at the end, the crazy thing was, after I got off stage, it was like a half an hour

of berating him. And just exposing what he does and what's wrong with what he does. You're not an artist. You're a fucking minor bird. You repeat things that other people say and you do it and you take credit for their work. You don't even understand what comedy is. You don't even understand the fucking language because you never learned it because all you do is

repeat what other people say. You're a person speaking a language you don't understand literally. The audience is going crazy. So this asshole is so nuts. He wants to perform after this. he went on do you remember that? he tried to do comedy he tried to do comedy

for like 10 minutes it was out of hand I actually have lost footage of that where people were going while he was doing a set and he kept going and then when he walked out it was like the end of Friday

or something like Devo just got beat up and everybody was getting their kicks at him like fuck you Carlos everybody did and then when i got the boot man he came back around on everybody yeah oh yeah he pulled me that to me man he pulled me and renna zc aside he's like bro wow it's like what do you want you know and then me and steve asked him honestly we're like then tell us about this bit tell us about that but and just like with marin he has

they should have the comedy shore should he has... They should have... The Comedy Shore should have... The Comedy Store should have... Comedy Shore. Hello, Freud. Hello, Freud. That's what it's going to be after Mitzi dies. Paulie's going to rename it. What they should have done is they should have stepped in.

And even if they wanted to keep me banned because I was filming there and they don't want me filming, that's fine. But you've got to make sure you don't have him headlined the next weekend. And you don't get on stage and say, this is my guy. I'm with Carlos, which is what he did. What they did was support the worst vampire in the business and let everybody feel helpless and let everybody know that even though you are successful and you do have things going on, you can still get your life fucked with by somebody who's more successful. And you can see that there are people that really do try to sabotage your career if you expose someone for being a piece of shit and a thief. And someone who's

in direct opposition of what this art form is supposed to be all about, which is you creating and forming your own shit and bringing it out on stage and people appreciating your work. Did you ever talk after that? You were with Gersh at the time, weren't you? I'm still friends with my agent at the time.

I don't even want to mention his name because he's a good guy. He fucked up and he got in a bad situation and they made him choose. The agency made him choose between Carlos and me. And they only had me for stand-up comedy. They had him for stand-up comedy and television and film. Yeah. And so they were making more money off of him than I was and they wanted me to either apologize to him or they were going to have to let me go.

Did you guys ever talk again? I ran into him. We were on a flight once and we wanted me to either apologize to him or they were going to have to let me go. Did you guys ever talk again? I ran into him. We were on a flight once and we sat next to each other. We were flying to... You and Mencia? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. My agent.

No, that's what I meant. No, not Mencia. Have you ever seen that? I got nothing to say to that dude. That's a great movie. He knows... I got nothing to say to him. He knows everything

he's going to say to me is not going to be real anyway. It's just going to be noise to try to make everything better and that's not going to happen. Yeah. He's just going to be noise to try to make everything better. And that's not going to happen. He's going to just come over and try to groom me like the little beta monkey trying to pick little bugs off the alpha. He's going to come over and try to be nice to me. And I'm going to go, come on, man.

Let me groom. Get out of here. While you're still doing this, I can't talk to you. Good luck with your life. That's funny. Freddy motherfucking Lockhart, you're a bad dude. You're a kick-ass comedian. You're a cool guy. And I'm glad we finally got you on the podcast.

Dude, thanks for having me, man. I fucking appreciate it. Thank you very much, man. Anytime. More than welcome to come back, man. You were awesome. You were a lot of fun. Thank you, everybody, for tuning in.

Cap City Comedy Club this weekend, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, for me and for Joey Diaz and for Little Esther. And if you want to catch Freddie Lockhart, he'll be at the world famous comedy store this weekend, Friday and Saturday night. Yeah, Friday and Saturday night. Around 10 o'clock. You can call,

find out what's up, find out who the other lineup is. See if you want to catch yourself some Al Madrigal. See if you want to see some John Caparulo.

Lay it down. There's a lot of good talent there. And that's it. So we will see you. This is the only one we're going to do this week because I've got to go to Austin,

but I'll be back next Tuesday. And we'll see you guys then, hopefully with Bobby Lee. Bobby, get back to me, you fucking freak. Everybody on Twitter, on Facebook, contact Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee. Tell that motherfucker to get on the podcast. He's supposed to be doing it soon, and that'll be a lot of fun. Thank you very much. Brian Reichel, RedBand.com, for running shit in the background

and making sure the sound is in order. And as always, thanks to the Fleshlight for sponsoring this podcast. Fleshlight.com. Fleshlight.com. And if you go to joerogan.net, there is a link.

You can click that and enter in the code ROGAN and you get 15% off, bitches. You get your freak on on the crazy fake pussy. Thanks for tuning in. See you next week. Love you, week. Love you bitches.

Later.