The Joe Rogan Experience - #542 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: August 28, 2014

Greg Fitzsimmons is an American stand-up comedian. He also hosts his own podcast "FitzDog Radio" available on Spotify.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Powerful Greg Fitzsimmons. Oh man. What's up, buddy? Smoke a little, write a Doors logo, settle in. Greg wrote a, for folks who are just tuning in now, Greg wrote a Doors logo on his notebook,

like as if we were in high school. Remember when you, we all used to do that in high school everybody i used to do the kiss logos big kiss fan right and then kiss didn't the s's were like triangles on top right you know yeah it's like well the the s's go like a z sort of oh right yeah like hey um did the bands do that anymore do they still have anymore? Do they still have logos? Yeah. But do they have logos that kids draw on their notebooks or anything? NIN. Yeah, but Nine Inch Nails is not today.

Nine Inch Nails is from the 90s. True. Like bands of today. The kids that were really stoned could do Led Zeppelin. Remember? It had like a million little scribbles. Yeah, and kids got props that were really good at that. Right. A kid could do a solid Doors logo from scratch.

Like, wow. Well, one of my best friends, we used to sit in the back row, baked in eighth grade, and he would draw on desks, you know, shit like the Doors logos and all that. And I was the class clown. And now, like all these years later, he's one of the top record designers in the country. Yeah. He worked for Jimi Hendrix's estate for a while, All these years later, he's one of the top record designers in the country. Wow. Yeah. He worked for Jimi Hendrix's estate for a while, doing all those re-releases that they did.

He did all those album covers. My uncle used to do that. My uncle used to work for Howard Marks Advertising, which was the company that used to produce Kiss album covers. And I was a little kid. I met Ace Frehley. Ace Frehley came into the office, and he had no makeup on which was just insane it was like i was seeing the easter bunny without his fucking clothes on i was like what the fuck i couldn't even believe he was really there and the fact that he didn't have makeup on it was

like it was almost like a life-changing event for like a 10 year old or whatever the fuck i was right because it was just i can't couldn't believe he this was ace really didn't have his makeup on how's he how's he just walking around? And then I realized what a brilliant move that was. They were famous, but nobody knew what they looked like. Genius. Oh, it's the greatest move of all time. Yeah.

Look, the Insane Clown Posse has the same thing. The Insane Clown Posse could be at the fucking 7-Eleven right next to you buying cigarettes. You would have no idea. Right. You don't know what they look like. Is that what they look like? No, that's Ace. That's ace freely today we're voiceover guys like they got mad groaning and the guys that do the simpsons voices they're making more than anybody

and they've got all they can sit in a restaurant without getting annoyed yeah that's so true well matt stone and trey parker became famous like they they became famous they did their own movie and then they've done so many interviews and they've done like they took acid went to the oscars remember that no dresses no shit they wore women's dresses i remember that i didn't know they were on acid that's amazing they're the greatest they're so important for the culture guys like that are so important guys that can make those kind of shows they're so did you see. Did you see The Book of Mormon? Yes.

Dude. Loved it. That opening song, I started laughing so fucking hard. And then I looked around the theater, and people come in, and they know it's Matt Stone and Trey Parker. So they're like, all right, this is going to be shocking. Right. But then when they start singing, fuck God in the mouth, ass, and cunt. And I'm laughing, and I see the people are pulling back.

Half the audience can't handle it. That makes me laugh twice as hard. And they're like far into the whole next scene, and I'm still doubled over. Oh, God. That was fucking brilliant. Here's them at the hospital. Is that why you're in the dress? It's just such a magical evening and everyone looks so spectacular.

We just wanted to be a part of it all. It's a night of magic. It's a night of magic. It's a night of magic. That's great. Dude, when they did that fucking South Park movie and Satan and Saddam Hussein were in bed together. And you see Satan's dick. And they're allowed to show his dick because it's fake.

It's because it's rubber. So they have this rubber dick. It was the movie. It's so ridiculous. Well, come on. Just suck my dick. It was so ridiculous. You're like, how are they getting away with this?

They push so hard, too. One of the reasons why they get away with putting all their shit in the movies is they put a bunch of stuff in the movies that are so fucked up that they have some bargaining tools yeah like they'll cut out some of this other stuff that they weren't planning on putting in there anyway yeah like the uh have you ever seen the full sex scene between the two puppets in team america no they shit on each other they piss on each other i mean it's crazy he drops a log on her chest it's so that's what they cut out and then they released it yeah so the scene is insane already it's all right i remember the scene's insane it was way over the top in real life or the original version

but they probably they do i know they do that shit on purpose like we used to do that like paul sims used to do that on news radio on purpose. They would say penis. There was an episode where Bill McNeil, Phil Hartman's character, had to say penis on the air. He said penis a hundred times. They put in all these extra

penises so they could trim it down. That episode didn't air until the third season. They pulled that episode. They're like, it's too controversial. And then they aired it in the third or fourth season. Did it seem weird? Did it look different?

Out of nowhere, one week, somebody had purple hair instead or shorter hair. What do you mean? Because it was a different season, right? No, no, no. Well, yeah, it would definitely look different. Three years, people's faces change a little. Just a slight amount you know it was i went to the um the phil hartman had a star of fame put on the hollywood walk of fame he had a star and i went there and there were some people that i hadn't seen in 16 17 years like

a lot of the writers and a lot of people that worked on staff and it was weird it's like wow we're all getting fucking old this is strange strange. Yeah. And you're laughing about it, but it is strange to see the weathering. Like my friend Lou, who I picture as this like boy-faced young kid, this hilarious writer, Lou Morton, he had gray hair. I was like, wow.

Look at me. I'm getting gray. Now we just got together, me and a few college friends. I hadn't seen them in years and I looked around and you start to think, wow, I must not look as good as i think because they look fucking terrible and they're my peers you know one guy is fat as shit so if you get fat enough there is a key to

aging where if you can put enough fat into your face it's like botox and you don't wrinkle and you kind of have that youthful glow because you're just filled with oil. Well, you know, William Shatner allegedly does that on purpose. I can see that. William Shatner says, I put on five pounds a year. And five pounds a year keeps his face round. I do it. I adjust for men and I keep it fat.

Is that your move? Yeah. No. You're just coming up with an excuse for keeping it fat. Bro, that's not true. Dr. Pepper 10. You can't say that, man, because William Shatner actually plans it,

so you can't claim it. That is an amazing thing. That's what I used to do when I wanted to get out of relationships. It's pretty much the same thing. I just... You just fatten up? You fat them out?

Do you ever remember that Kinison bit about getting out of relationships? No. Oh, yeah, the best bit. He's like, you know, not... He's like, I don't ever break up with them. He goes, I get them to break up with me. That way, they feel bad that they left me when I needed them most. It's flawless.

He did this thing where he says, I just stay up for weeks and do coke. And then one day, he goes, Sam, you're just not the guy that you were when I met you. And I'm sorry, but I have to go. And she leaves. It's flawless. She leaves. The best part about it, she feels bad because she left you when you needed her most. And you got to go out into Coke for three weeks.

Have you ever heard Marin tell the Kinnison stories? Oh, yeah. When he pissed on his bed. Well, just how crazy they were with coke. Yeah. Marin was on our podcast and he said that he heard voices in his head for almost a year. Who, Kinnison did? No, Marin did.

Oh, from just trauma? They did so much coke. Yeah. They did so much coke. He was hearing voices. Wow. Dude, for like a year. Yeah.

voices Wow dude for a year yeah he said that Kennison would just redline it all day he was just gone for I was like I wonder what it was like like what what stops did he make in because he was like on the Sunset Strip going to like record store diner bar strip like in one day he would make more stops than you would in a month. Yeah. Just ripped out of his mind, sleeping three hours a night. He sometimes didn't sleep for days, apparently. Yeah. He was an animal.

The funniest thing about him was that he was a reverend. People who are, if you never heard Kenniston, go download Louder Than Hell. It was so offensive that warner brothers never released it as a cd it's like one of the greatest comedy albums ever but it's only on cassette because warner brothers still so much homophobic stuff on there there's just so much stuff that was so offensive to gay people you know and uh so that was that was never released it was never released as a cd i used to have it as a cassette but people have put it up now you can get it oh i gotta find that get it through torrents it's not on itunes

or anything like that um i don't think it's on itunes man it might be just see if it is just for hell no no louder than hell loud as hell louder than hell i think it's louder than hell uh it's his first uh cd and then some of the material is uh similar to what was on his first h-treo special like there's some crossover with some of the material but it's his first CD. And some of the material is similar to what was on his first HBO special. There's some crossover with some of the material, but it's his best stuff. Those two, his HBO special and Louder Than Hell. The HBO special is from Montreal, right? No, it's from the Roxy, right up the street from the Comedy Store. He did it at that theater on Sunset, which is perfect.

Oh, it's on there. Is it? It's on there? Yeah, that's it, man. That right that right there my opinion best comedy CD ever that's my number one somebody had to say to me what was the most influential comedy CD that's it huh I think he was the best ever for a year yeah I think for one year plus two years whatever it was when he was just a maniac right you just can you can't go on because it's so he was just a maniac right but you just can't you can't

keep that going because it's so awful because he was on the crest of the wave you know the wave a wave has depth there's like there's a lot of failure and a lot of frustration underneath the ocean and it builds until it swells and then that fucking wave pops out and that's where he was on the crest of that wave and he wrote it and he got to shore and just fucking crashed where he was on the crest of that wave. And he rode it. And he got to shore and just fucking crashed. Well, he was a superstar all of a sudden out of nowhere. That was pretty goddamn good. Similar to Hunter S. Thompson's metaphor about what happened in the 70s. You ever heard that thing?

No. It's done to like... It's great. It was in the movie. The Johnny Depp movie. Oh, yeah. Fear and Loathing in Las vegas where he played him yeah johnny depp did an awesome job of uh pull that up see if we could find it um the uh wave speech from fear and loathing in las vegas did i just steal that no no you probably never

heard it no did you ever read fear and loathing no oh it's so good johnny depp was at the comedy store the other day watching Doug Stanhope. That's funny. Really? Yeah. Yeah, they're buddies. That's another thing, though, that he's another one. Hunter S. Thompson is another one of my all-time favorites.

Yeah. He's another one that just burnt it out, man. Did you used to read him in Rolling Stone Magazine, or you'd read his books? No, I read his books. Yeah. The first one I read was Fear and Loathing. It's not on? It's not on? This is it.

Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Has it been five years? Six? It seems like a lifetime. The kind of peak that never comes again. San Francisco in the middle 60s This is it right here Was a very special time and place to be a part of But no explanation

No mix of words or music or memories Can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive In that corner of time in the world Whatever it meant. There was madness in any direction, at any hour. You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning. And that, I think, was the handle. That sense of inevitable victory

over the forces of old and evil. Not in any mean or military sense. We didn't need that. Our energy would simply prevail. We had all the momentum. We were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look west. And with the right kind of eyes, you can almost see the high water mark.

That place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. Johnny Depp's a bad motherfucker. He is a bad motherfucker. He's a bad motherfucker. But that was that guy guy hunter s thompson was real similar to me to kinnison because he just burnt it out yeah it was all coke it was just coke and booze and just and then he wrote a couple of

great books and then there was just nothing left yeah and then towards the end i mean he was if you've ever seen hunter s thompson on letterman it's sad yeah because you can't you literally can't understand him yeah you can't understand the words that are coming out of his mouth like he's you think he just fried his brain or fried it yeah cooked it barbecued it sauteed it minced it up ran it through a fucking grinder fried it again and it wasn't just coke he was every pill everything everything a lot of acid everything he gets hands yeah he was a maniac yeah there's a video or a um an article rather where a reporter followed him around and monitored his drug usage for the day it's insane

yeah it's insane i mean it's it's i don't know if this was a typical day but this was this one day and i bet it was a typical day because he always talked about it. I guess your system just gets used to it. Did you see him doing those hand things where he's going like this? Thompson used to do that. I know a friend of ours that does that all the time. Probably copies Johnny Depp.

Well, you know, it's sort of like visceral. He may have some kind of learning disorder. No, he's thinking. He's thinking. That's all it is. No, he's thinking. He's thinking. When he's thinking, he's like, hmm. Right. That's all it is. All right, here's his daily routine.

3 p.m., rise. 305, Chivas Regal with morning papers. Smokes Dunhill's. 345, cocaine. 350, another glass of Chivas. Another Dunhill. 405, p.m., by the way, first cup of coffee and a Dunhill. 4.05 p.m., by the way. First cup of coffee and a Dunhill. 4.15, cocaine.

4.16, orange juice and another Dunhill. 4.30, cocaine. 4.54, cocaine. 5.05, cocaine. 5.11, coffee, Dunhills. 5.30, get more ice in the Chivas. Cocaine at 5.45, 6 o'clock, smoking grass to take the edge off the day. 7 p.m.

The day. Three hours into it. Three hours in. Lit. 7.05. Woody Creek Tavern for lunch. Heineken. Two margaritas.

Coleslaw. A taco salad. Double order of fried onion rings. Carrot cake. Ice cream. A bean fritter. Dunhills. Another Heineken.

Cocaine. And for the rest of the ride home A snow cone, a glass of shredded ice Which is poured over Four jiggers of Chivas Okay, so the snow cone is Chivas Okay, 9pm Start snorting cocaine seriously 10pm, drops acid

11pm Chartreuse, I don't know what that is Cocaine and grass 11.30. Cocaine, et cetera, et cetera. 12. Midnight. Hunter S. Thompson is ready to write.

That's when he sits down to write. 12.05 to 6 a.m. He writes. Chartreuse, cocaine, grass, shivvus, coffee, Heineken, clove cigarettes, grapefruit, Dunhills, orange juice, gin, continuousuous Pornographic Movies. 6 a.m. In the hot tub with champagne, Dove Bars, Fettuccine Alfredo. 8 a.m.

Halcyon, which is a sleeping pill. 8.20, sleep. So he would take a sleeping pill at 8.20 in the morning after riding it hard. What I love is that most people, it's about if I get this work done, then I can have a drink. Nope. With him, it's the opposite. Yeah, he got wild. He actually did the work.

Yeah, he got wild to the core where there was nothing left but just savage chemicals flowing through the brilliant core of his mind, and then he just sat in front of that typewriter and let it rip for six hours focused it onto the yeah wow i love it wow that's but you can't you can't do that for long it doesn't last right and in the end it's ugly pull pull up uh hunter thompson on david letterman it's kind of like life is about finding that line where you are pushing yourself and you are finding your edge but you're not burning yourself out This is way more than an edge. I mean this is it's a suicidal thing and with hunter He also had it in his head that when the time would come he would take his own life

Yeah, he just he was like this is getting old shit is nice to pressure off. Yeah, he was convinced I mean he had told everyone around him that when it gets too much, I'm just going to end this. Like, I'm not going to slowly drift away when I know there's no hope in sight. Yeah. And for him, like, they would do operations on him, like, do the hip operation. Like, you got to stop drinking. He's like, get the fuck out of here. Boom.

Hits it that night. Yeah. Like, right away. What is this? Oh, here we go. I don't know if this is the right one because he's been and been on a lot this is from 2012 oh that's perfect 2012 is perfect because that's the end I don't even think he was alive in 2012 now when did he kill himself it's a lot longer than two years ago I made this assessment

uploaded in 2002 yeah uploaded uploaded uploaded, Jesus. Uploaded. Uploaded. Uploaded. Seems pretty recent, though. No, no, no, no. I mean, not that recent. Yeah, fairly. Right. It's not old Letterman with the full head of hair. Right.

Yeah. How you doing? All right. By all means, make yourself at home. Yeah, he died in 2005. Don't move us away from you. You know, it's been a long time since I've seen you. Help me refresh my memory.

Doctor, your doctor is what? What area, what discipline are you a doctor in, of? Well, it's not that last time. It was divinity, chemotherapy, and journalism. Where did you go to study? Where did you get your divinity? We've been through this as an old story. Really? Yeah. Where did you go to? Yale? Were you a seminarian at Yale? I did not go to the Yale Divinity School. Where did you go, Hunter? David, I'm not going to discuss these things. You'd rather move on? Yeah. Okay. You went to Ball State, is that it? I went to Ball State, not Bowl State. Ball State, yeah. Sorry. You went to Ball

State. How you been? Smoky. All right. Yeah. Well, you're 60 years old now. Is that right? Yeah, it seems weird. I thought you were dead, too. You know. I'm going to die. It really has been so long. Yeah.

And does this mean anything to you, turning 60? Is it? No. No. Not a lot. I think the guys must have some dark sense of humor keeping him around this long. This is actually way better than the one I was thinking of.

The one I was thinking of, now that I remember it, is actually Conan. He was on Conan, and Conan went shooting with him. They went out to his Woody Creek. He has a place in Woody Creek with a lot of land, and he would just set up things and just fucking blow them away with guns and he had conan out there um blowing out guns with him and i swear you could barely understand him yeah it was just had a good line though i thought you were dead too yeah sharp he is letterman didn't expect that upper that uppercut

yeah he's he was a funny dude me to say well that, well, that's not going to happen. I said, all right, let's do it. We brought a camera crew. Here's what happened. I think they're ready over on the firing range. Should we head over that way? Yeah. And the idea is you're going to instruct me in how to blow things to hell. Well, no, we're going to do art.

Art. What can I get you, sir? I'll have that huge shotgun over there. Move over, sir? I'll have that huge shotgun over there. A little more. A little more. A little more there. How about a little? That's good.

Shoot a few things. It'll loosen us up. Yeah, loosen us up. They're drinking booze and shooting things. Run and run, eh? Whoa. I'd say that was pretty good. That was his character on Doonesbury. That's Doonesbury, right?

Yeah. They used to make fun of him on Doonesbury. Well, that's a good example, I guess. It's better as it gets on. He gets more drunk, I guess. That's probably why. Wow. I couldn't understand him.

But if you go from that to what he sounded like, how articulate he was when he was younger, how clear he was to understand, you know, like from the, uh, the documentary Gonzo life and times of Hunter S Thompson. There's some interviews of him when he was in black and white and,

you know, you got to see what he was like as a young man. There's some serious deterioration by the time he got to 60. Yeah. And in perspective, Sylvester Stallone is 67 or 68, and he's shredded. You know, talks great, still doing action movies. You know, that just shows you the impact that Hunter put on his body. Yeah.

60, whatever he was there, 62. Well, and that he lived, so he actually has a strong, you know, he could handle that shit. Most people would have died of liver disease or killed themselves before. Well, 60 is not that old, man. I mean, he was 62, 62 when he died. If you think about it, that's 40-something years of pounding substances in your body. Yeah. And probably not exercising ever.

No. No. No, no exercise. Eating fucking dove bars in a hot tub. Yeah. Fuck, man. Fettuccine Alfredo

at 8 o'clock in the morning. He was an animal. Ugh. Would you do that? If you knew you could come back and you wouldn't be addicted and you wouldn't be dead, would you take that lifestyle on for one month? No, I wouldn't want to feel like that.

Yeah. I'm not a speed guy at all. I like coffee. It's good for conversation. Yeah. But I have no desire to try the speeds. I think I would like them way too much. No, I just mean more in terms. Just completely being self-destructive.

Yeah, just... I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it because I know too much about what it's doing to my body. I could do it for a night. For a night, I could go on a bender. Do you do that? I have. I've definitely had some nights

where I got just destroyed. But again, there's no coke involved you know it was mostly jack daniels or something like that just a few too many shots getting crazy smoking too much weed but the big difference between that and what he was doing was he was doing it all day i mean if i would do it it'd be like you start at 10 by one o'clock in the morning you're basically done and then you're just trying to find somewhere to eat and sober up. Right. But this guy was gunning it all day like that, writing books. And he went three hours before he put solid food in his body. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And just drinking and doing coke and smoking Dunhills. I mean, I have too much carbs in the afternoon. I need to nap at 4 o'clock. I think part of me, like, I quit drinking a long time ago. Part of it was, like, I just

didn't want to deal with the hangover energy. Awful. It's one of the worst feelings. It's such a waste of time. You just feel like such a fucking idiot. I just sacrificed several days. It's almost like, say if you had a job that really sucked and you worked for like a week, saved up all your money, and then you went to the casino and you blew it in five seconds.

You're like, you fucking idiot. All the time you wasted. It seems almost similar when you're hungover. Because it's like, what, did I have fun for an hour? And then the last two hours were a fog. And then I threw up. And then I went to sleep. And then I woke up and I feel like death for two days.

Yeah. That can't be worth it. Well, I can remember being young enough where I'd hook up with a one-night stand, shit-faced, get it done. Never had a problem getting it done. Always closed. Good for you. Good for you. And then waking up in the morning still drunk and then going for the morning sex and feeling good about it.

Because then after, there's no hangover after the morning sex. There's just like a light buzz. But that's it. You know, 21. Yeah. 2021, you're a different thing. You're a battery. You're a full battery.

Just. Plus, you're free. You can't believe no one's telling you what to do. You can't believe for the first time in your life, no one is telling you when you have to go to bed, when you have to be home. Like, you're a man. You're a free man for the first time in your life no one is telling you when you have to go to bed, when you have to be home. You're a man. You're a free man for the first time. Those years are buck wild. Those years from whenever you get out of the house, whenever you're paying your own bills, whenever you have a job.

You're like, I guess I'm an adult now. I have a job and an apartment. Whoa. Yeah. And you're deciding when you go to bed? Yeah. In a way, you feel like an adult. And in a way, you feel like a little child because that when you go to bed? Yeah, in a way you feel like an adult and in a way you feel like a little child because that little child gets to play and explore the night.

Like, you know, all of a sudden at 4.30 in the morning, you're not like, now if I'm up at 4.30 in the morning, I'm like, how the fuck do I get to bed as soon as possible? Then you're like, what else? What else can we stumble on? Is there a door I can knock on? Is there possibly a booty call I can make right now? Yeah. Who's got coke? How do you keep this thing rolling? And then it's like you mortgaged your house, and then on top of the mortgage, when the coke comes into the picture, it's like now you're just taking out loans from Shylocks now.

Now you're going to the worst loan sharks, and you're like, listen, listen, listen. One week, I'll pay you back. I'm paying it all back. That's how you feel when you do the Coke. Yeah. The Coke is the one that I ducked. Ducked it my whole life. I love Coke.

You love it too much. That's why I love Coke. You would start talking so much. You'd do 20 podcasts at the same time. That's what my friend Jimmy Laws told me when we were in high school. They were all doing it at this party. And Jimmy goes, don't do it. You'd like it too much.

And I go, okay. That's all I need to hear. Anytime a guy who likes to do coke tells you not to do coke. And he didn't like to do coke, but he had a cousin that liked to do coke. I saw too many kids. Too many kids that were just being grossed in it. That's all they wanted. I many kids that were just they would just be engrossed in it it's all they wanted i saw kids you know we did all the drugs but coke was too expensive so we

did it but it was kind of a luxury item we were more like a lot of my friends were doing angel dust because that was cheap and uh a lot of mescaline you ever take mescaline never took it's kind of a it's i think it's a form of? No, mescaline is a form of peyote. Oh, it is? Yeah. Yeah, it's very like colorful. You see a lot of colors and you laugh a lot. Yeah, that's shit I never got a hold of.

Never got a hold of. When that was going around, like mesc, that was all going around like post high school, like just after high school when I was in my super healthy phase. Yeah. post high school, like just after high school, when I was in my super healthy phase. Yeah. All throughout, like from high school to like, you know, 21, 22, there was very little drinking, very little partying, very, very little.

Like the occasional joint would come out if I had a couple of beers, but it was so rare. And I always felt guilty after I did it. Those were the healthy days. I was selling mescaline for a little while. This guy, Andre, the blackest, blacker than your coffee, this dude. And tough. And he was like in and out of juvie homes. And so he got me to sell it to my friends. So I would have a bag.

Because a lot of my friends were into the Grateful Dead. And we'd go to a dead show, and I would just sell like 100 hits of mescaline. And so then one day, I guess i didn't even owe him money like he he would give me a bag and then i'd pay him after i sold it and time wasn't really up yet but i came home one afternoon and i opened the front door to my house and i walk in and we lived in a pretty nice house and my mom is sitting with andre in the living room having tea and she never met him. He just showed up looking for me.

And I was like, what the fuck? That's uncomfortable. That ended my drug dealing days. Ended right there. Yeah, you don't want Andre embedded in your life. Imagine if you came home and Andre was banging your mom. Because he would do that. I know Andre.

And she's on mask. I know Andre. Andre would do it. Yeah, he lit up her drink. He he would do that. I know Andre. And she's on mask. I know Andre. Andre would do it. Yeah, he lit up her drink. He had tea with her, dropped a tab in her tea. Right. Now the doors are playing.

Do-do-do-do-do. Riders on the storm. And you open the door and he's just fucking hammering your mom from behind. Father? Yes, son. I want to kill you.

Father? Into this outer bone. Dun-dun. Dun-dun. And you're just... And you're like, what? And I walk in and he turns his head and sees me and gives me a look that makes me have to fucking leave the room. Mid-stroke.

Doesn't even stop banging my mom. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want to see this. I don't want to see that shit, and I'm on mask. Jedi mind tricked you. These are not the droids you're looking for. Andre working every angle.

Think of someone like that banging your mom. Oh, that's dark. Yeah, that would be brutal. That's dark. Seeing his ass, you know, that prison ass. You don't know what it's been through. It's probably got striated muscle tissue all throughout it, too. It looks terrifying.

Right. Like, you think about the amount of force he could generate with that ass. Oh, my God. Yeah. Strong thighs. Because he's walking around selling drugs. He's out on the street. Exactly.

Constant motion. A lot of cardio. And now he's got the back of his thighs ripping and driving you know that drive you get from the inside of your thighs when you're really fucking oh yeah he's doing that to her oh good lord oh is this airing this is actually no no no we'll we'll edit that part out do you know on riders on the storm he does one track singing and there's another track he's whispering really Really? It's really haunting. At the same time?

Yeah, play it. It's like at the same time. We'll get pulled off of YouTube if we play it, won't we? Yeah. And you never know why that song. Jamie's like, whatever. Let's just do it. Okay.

Well, let's see. I never knew why it was so haunting. And then you hear that and it's like, fuck. At least Vimeo doesn't pull us off. They did cool shit back in the 60s when they were coming in. We need multi-track recording. They were doing all kinds of cool shit. You know, the Beatles, backtracking stuff.

A lot of that was Phil Spector, that crazy fuck. Oh, is that right? The wall of sound. Yeah. If you don't know the Phil Spector story, Phil Spector was known for pulling guns on people. That was his thing. He would always pull guns on people.

And he got back to his house he picked up some woman I think at the house of blues I think she was like a waitress or something got her back to his house put a gun in her mouth and pull the trigger blew her fucking brains out and went through this big trial because of it yeah and in the trial he would wear like different wigs every day he was bald and so you wear these crazy like 1960s wigs like the most ridiculous wigs ever like during his trial Yeah, I remember that pull up pull up some photos of Phil Spector's wig. Here's the the doors whisper track Okay, this is just the track with a whisper in the percussion

He was a sexy dude Fuck yeah Sure and certain Not cool Wow Wow哇哦 That's haunting. If you give this man a ride, sweet family will die. Killer on the road. Killer on the road. Condos.

This is Phil Spector when he was in court. Oh, yeah. In court for murder, and he's wearing that wig. That's not a Photoshop either. That was the real wig. And he would wear different ones. Like some days they would be different.

If he had a couple different wigs. See if you can find the other one. I get so confused because that trial happened I think around the same time as, wow, Ellen DeGeneres

on trial. It's Martina Navratilova mixed with Ellen DeGeneres. Don't ask me how the fuck I pulled Martina Navratrolova. You said troll in the middle of it somehow. Navratrolova. Wasn't she like one of the first lesbians? Yeah, she came out during the AIDS thing.

That was like the 80s, right? Yeah, I guess, you know 84 85 she had balls did you tough chick no tennis balls yeah she's she's a badass but she did this is what he really oh that's gruesome yeah it looks like the guy that killed uh patrick what's his face and ghost patrick uh no you know you know who that was Who was that? That was the comic who died of AIDS, black guy in New York. Charlie Burnett? No, other black guy in New York who died of AIDS.

Who else died of AIDS? Not black, Hispanic. Oh. Who the fuck was that? He died of AIDS, I remember, because I started dating his girlfriend about six months later. Oh, that dude. Yeah, no. He also died.

He died too? Yeah. How did he die? I don't know. Something with his face, probably. Well, Phil Spector didn't die, that fucker. He's in jail. They nailed him?

They nailed him down? I guess when he had bank checks, he would like to put guns in their mouth and shit I could see that and he wound up shooting her yeah oh by accident you think

it might have been that or it might have been just he murdered her I don't know well if you think about it if you had no value on human life and everyone's trying

to go for the big the biggest orgasm you can get whether it's doing coke grabbing your own balls cock ring but think about blowing somebody's head off as you came.

That would be huge. That would probably be, if you were like a total psychopath, that would probably be the end all. Be like, coming and taking at the same time. Putting human life into her as you take it out of her. And then imagining that your loads actually got her pregnant and that that kid would be born to a body that just died, would be conceived into a body that just died. It would be-

Right when the loads get to the egg, the loads crack open the egg and they're like, sorry boys, the factory's been shut down. There's a, she's dead. What? But we just got here. He just came inside her. The eggs are here. Everything's fine.

Let's do it. Let's do it. Her spirit goes into his dick hole. It's like the opposite of an abortion. She dies. Baby lives. The baby gets conceived. Like the first days of life.

That is the, right, that's the number one debate when it comes to abortion. It's not whether or not women should have to keep the baby and get pregnant. The real debate is when is it actually a person? Because I don't think it's a person when it's two cells.

You know, I think if you see two cells there, and those two cells could grow to become a person. I feel like if you snuff those two cells right now, there and then, you're good. I don't feel like you killed somebody. now there and then you're good i don't feel like you killed somebody but if it gets to be like six months and it's inside the the woman's body and could live outside of her womb is that a baby when what at what year or at what month rather well jonathan jonathan katz used to say i think life begins after the second cup of coffee i think it's i think it's right out of the gate. Right out of the box?

Yeah. Right into the box. Like, as soon as that thing turns, as soon as that thing combines the egg and the, that's life. Yeah. That's it. I'm not saying you shouldn't be able to kill it.

I'm just saying it is a lie. Don't kid yourself. Like, don't fucking soft sell it. If you're gonna get an abortion you got an abortion if you took the morning after pill you aborted a life you have the right to do it and i support that but don't pretend it wasn't high stakes what you just did that's so important to say and so taboo like what you're doing right now is so like you that can be demonized you can be thought of as insensitive people can get angry and you at you they've people have concocted certain

politically acceptable phrases for certain things and abortion you know for abortion the number one issue is always a woman's right to choose but But a woman's right to choose exactly what are you doing? Like, what are you doing? I'm down for you having the right to do whatever you want with your body. I don't think that anybody, especially anybody that can't have a life in their body, like a man, we can't even understand what that is. It's too far outside. It's impossible for us. It's only like fiction. it's only like when we when we try to pretend to understand to put ourselves in the the mind of a woman that's pregnant we're just making things up we have no point of reference whatsoever it's a whole dimension it's a different

dimension so i don't think it's our i don't think it's any of our business but as far as that as far as like whether or not a woman should be able to end this life form inside of her body but why do we have this desire to pretend that it's something other than a person? I got in this argument with this dude on Twitter, this comic. Seems to be a funny guy. But he kept calling me right-wing and saying that I was saying right-wing talking points. And I said, listen, I'm 100% in support of a woman's right to choose. You're hearing me wrong here but what i'm saying is it was because dawkins had compared a um a fetus inside a body that you know that it was

like i think he had compared it to like a baby pig i forget what the uh that i forget no more of a human than a baby pig is yeah you know i guess he's talking in scientific terms how like a very very young fetus like whatever age it is when you decide it's a fetus and he was saying that i was like that's ridiculous that's such a ridiculous point and it up the whole argument because obviously that baby pig can't become a person but that fetus is going to be a person everybody knows it so stop playing this game. This is a stupid game. Yeah. And then this comic starts going at me for like this UK guy, Frankie Boyle.

Seems like a nice guy. Seems like a funny guy, you know, but he was saying that I was saying all these right wing talking points that I'm, and I'm like, I'm not right wing by any stretch of the imagination, but what is it? That's not a seed,

man. Yeah. It's not a seed. Okay. A seed has to be planted to become life. That fucker's planted. That's a sapling. It's not a seed okay seed has to be planted to become life that fucker's planted that's a sapling it's a person it's going to be a person if you keep eating food and you don't take too much heroin that's going to be a fucking person and and we all think about

what our lives are the miracle of you know not knowing how the universe works and you know there's theories and there's paradigms and there's scientific data. And we're getting a broad sense of what the actual material end of it is. But the magic of the sperm and egg becoming something, like, that's it. That is when life begins. And, you know, we don't know why. We don't know if there's a God making it happen or if it really is like a million monkeys typing Shakespeare. But it happened and it's life. Well, I'm offended whenever anyone tries to lump any discussion of any subject into one

of those categories where you can't question it or one of those categories where it's not open to discussion, that there is a certain acceptable opinion on it that you're supposed to have as an intelligent person, as a progressive, you're supposed to have as an intelligent person as a progressive you're supposed to have one opinion and if you question it at all deviate outside of that one opinion at all you are a piece of shit right you're a bad person you know you you're you're outside of what we're all trying to push we have an agenda to push if you talk outside of that agenda i mean for a comic to think like that to me is particularly offensive. Because, like, you're not, we're not being honest about what it actually is. And also, it's just putting issues into black and white terms instead of knowing. It's like, you know, I can not support the war and I can still support the troops.

Can I have that fucking distinction or is it one or the other? Nuance thought. Right. It's like people now saying, I support the state of Israel. I don't support the government of Israel right now and what they're doing. You can do both. You don't have to be fucking, you know,

a Zionist or an anti-Zionist. And it's the same thing with this. It's like, you know, abortion being something that is in the hands of women exclusively is a fucking weird situation because ultimately the man is involved, so can we at least have an opinion about it? Well, you know, even if you have an opinion about it, I mean, I'm not calling for an opinion that I should have any opinion as to whether or not a woman should do it.

I remove myself from that. I should have no opinion. This is what I think. This is my belief. I don't think I can stop you from doing something to your body. remove myself from that i should have no opinion this is what i think this is my my belief i can't i don't think i can stop you from doing something to your body at a certain point in time when is it immoral though is it immoral when it's nine months old if is it immoral if you have an abortion the day before your kid was going to be born that's that's a real question and to pretend that's not a

real question i think is preposterous i mean it's preposterous it doesn't doesn't make any sense like how can you not discuss this you don't want this discussed because this is not in the framework of what you think is like progressive liberal thought that that becomes a problem no i've been doing this bit where i ask the women in the audience do you support a woman's right to choose and then they almost all clap and then i say and how many of you have had abortions and nobody ever fucking claps and i was like you know that's a right that's under attack and if you are ashamed to say that you do it you're gonna lose that fucking right like i'm like i'm ashamed that i masturbate but you outlawed i'm

walking down main street with my dick out like hell no so i i mean i think that that's the thing about that about abortion is if you shroud it in shame, which the Republicans do and which women are owning and absorbing, they shouldn't internalize it. They should say, no, I've had abortions. I don't think it's any of our business. it's you're asking a very intimate question to someone where it's probably an opinion or a decision that they had to make where maybe it wasn't a happy time you know maybe it's a dark moment so you're asking them to tell you some person that they've never met that they have this dark memory that they have this thing in their life they're not happy with like just because everybody has an opinion or just because you know someone has an abortion rather it doesn't mean that the way they look at that abortion is a happy thing or relief

or something that you know they would do again it might have been a mistake but it's been framed as a political issue and so yeah but you they will that personal thing that they don't want to talk about if they never talk about it they're not gonna be able to do that it's not about talking about it it's about admitting it in public in to do that personal thing. It's not about talking about it. It's about admitting it in public in front of a bunch of strangers at a comedy club where everyone's drinking. And what percentage of the population are absolutely assholes? It's asking way too much.

It's asking a lot. It's asking way too much. I just, I am very curious in that moment. I know. And once, you know, once I just want to see a woman start clapping in the middle. I had a great one. I don't remember where I was. I don't remember how the subject got to this.

But some woman in the audience yelled out something about anal sex, about either not liking it or liking it. I don't remember. But I remember something like, I go, that is very rare that someone would yell out about anal sex. You would want to keep that probably pretty private. That could be potentially embarrassing.

I'll give you an example. How many women here like taking it in the ass? And I thought, and a couple actually clapped and yelled. And I was thinking, any girl who would clap and yell when that question comes up, how many women like taking it in the ass?

That's a girl who really likes taking it in the ass. I mean, she's completely comfortable with it. She's like, look, I'm the girl. I'm that one. If you're looking for that one out of 100 that asked for it, here she is. Right. You know? If you don't know what you like, how are you going to be happy in life?

And then you've got to put that message out there. That asshole's not feeling itself. You need to be a hawker. You've got to put that message out there. That asshole is not feeling itself. You need to be a hawker. You got to hawk your own asshole. You got to let everybody know you are that special person. Yes. That rare person that likes to be asked. Because some guys, you're afraid to even try it with your wife.

You could go 20 years and then all of a sudden, maybe on your 50th anniversary, you try to stick it in her ass, and she's like, thank you, finally. Yeah, she was always almost bringing it up, but pulled back out of embarrassment. If he wanted it, he would have tried it. I'm not going to tell him I want to fuck in the ass. Gladys, tell him you want it in the ass. You've been together for 20 years. I just don't think Harvey would like that. I don't think he'd respect me.

Meanwhile, she goes to Harvey's fucking laptop, and it's all bookmarks. Teen in ass, DP in ass, ass to mouth, all of his bookmarks. The screensaver just looks like a spider. It's a fucking close-up of a dirty asshole. It's an outside sock, one of those expanded butt socks where someone just has an exploded asshole. Which, by the way, never saw until I saw the internet. Never knew that that was a thing. Is it like a post-anal sex thing?

Yeah, but you just get things stuffed in your ass until your ass comes out like an unrolling thick wool sock. Jew clam. It's horrible. No, that was just a different thing. Jesus Christ. It's unbelievable what people do to their buttholes these days. Yeah. It's the new frontier. It's unbelievable what people do to their buttholes these days. Yeah. It's the new frontier.

It's the new frontier. I talked to a friend of mine who got divorced, and he's a comedian, and he's got enough celebrity where he can... And he said, Greg, they all want it in the ass now. He goes, it's fucking crazy. He's like, I was never into ass sex, and now it's like, it's just what you do. Wow. Yeah.

Those kids today today they're nuts absolutely nuts you ever see a guy stuff his nuts in there yes yeah how did he know he liked that how did he figure that out i think people just get bored they just get bored and they just do whatever they can do you know they just after you do a certain amount of porn, I mean, I would imagine if you've done porn for like 10 years, just the thought of just having regular sex is probably so boring to you. Yeah. You know, that's when they want to like put on flippers and shit and fucking snorkels and fucking the tub. And they want to just do ridiculous shit.

Yeah. They want to put pinwheels on their nipples and put a bullet, one of those target signs on their asshole and have the guy run across them. Because they're artists. Everybody, no matter what you do for a living, you should feel like there's a level at which you can do it as an artist. And I think there are porn stars that really want to, like Bella Donna, I think they really want to actually do something that's creative for them?

Maybe. It's possible. Pregnant porn? Come on. Yeah. Pregnant porn and probably many things up her ass while pregnant. Many. Yeah.

She won best double anal once. No, she won single anal twice. Oh. I got confused. Yeah. No, she won single anal twice. Oh. I get confused. Yeah, I was thinking, man, that's probably one of the toughest jobs for people to forget you from. Like, say, if you were the host of American Bandstand, and you were on TV for a long time doing American Bandstand, you could quit, and millions of people saw you on American Bandstand, and within a decade,

nobody would really hold it against you that you were on American Bandstand. They won't define you by that job, but if you're a chick that's been involved in multiple gang bangs with these huge dicks and just fucking lube all over you and guys making you gag

and your mascara's running. That almost never leaves you. All right. For a woman, it almost never leaves her. Tracy Lord might be the only one that got close to escaping. Yep. She got close. She got in mainstream movies.

And she turned out to be pretty intelligent, so she would go on shows. She did music, too, I think. Did she? Yeah. I think she was producing music. Debbie Harry, I believe, did porn. What?

Kim Kardashian. No. From Blondie? From Blondie. Really? I'm not positive, but I believe she did porn or was a hooker.

Well, the sex tape thing is the most amazing loophole that you could just say, I didn't know how that got out there. Yeah. Remember they were doing that

for a while? Oh yeah. I mean, especially like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. That was like... Pam Anderson was the first one. But she was already famous. Oh, you mean getting famous that way.

Oh yeah. Her and Tommy Lee was in Goddamn Motley Crue. He probably leaked it just to show everybody his giant dick. It was really big. It was really... I It was really big. I don't care who you are as a guy. You see that video, you feel really bad about yourself.

Not really. I'll tell you why. Because it's kind of skinny. It doesn't have a lot of girth to it. There's certain dudes like Lexington Steel, is that his name? The porn guy? He's got a dick that just doesn't even look like it could be real. The bar has been raised so high. Like, everybody wants to go with John Holmes all the time, especially guys in our age bracket.

They're always going to go, the guy's got a dick like John Holmes. Let me tell you something. John Holmes barely has a big dick compared to some of these dudes. Yeah. I mean, his dick's big, but that's like average big. Do you think there's anything they do to make them bigger? Is there like steroids or something? Evolution.

It's just finding bigger dicks. The porn stars are evolving, just like the football players are evolving. Right, right. Yeah, they're giant dick dudes now. And silicone. And they inject silicone into their dicks. Do they do that? Is that true?

Wait a minute. Do you know this for a fact? 100%. Because if you do, pull up a link. 100%. We've already talked about it. Go get some links. Injecting silicone in your dick.

I don't think that's a common practice, son. It makes your dick all lumpy and shit. No, it's actually used a lot more than you would think. What? How do you know? How many dicks have you inspected? Kid's got a new business. I've talked about this a lot.

They're inspecting dicks. On the Travola Squad. Well, that means it's real. As long as you talked about it. Man spends six years injecting silicone in his penis. Well, of course course there's instances. I'm just wondering if the porn stars do it. Yeah, I don't think that's what's going on, dude.

Those dudes just have giant dicks. I swear to God. But that's not what's going on. These guys have big dicks. It's not making your dick look like their dick. It's just not. They have giant dicks. If they do something to it, maybe.

But these dudes, even when they're limp, they have these giant fucking dicks. Unless you can find a link. Yeah, there's tons of them. I just can't really show you them. Well, just an article or something that says what they do. Oh, I could show you by block putting your logo up so no one can see it except us.

Okay. I'd like to see CSI do a fucking search on Red Band's hard drive. Oh, yeah, this is a porn site, though, dude. This is a porn site. This is guys sucking guys' dicks on a porn site. That's not proof that they're shooting. Dude, if it was something that they did all the time, you could find a Google result of it. Yeah.

Like, porn stars inject silicone into dicks to make them larger. Find that and then come to us. You know who had a really big dick? Who? Dick Doherty! I bet he did, Dick Doherty. It was, remember, he used to do fucking 15 minutes on how big his dick was. You know who had a really big dick? Who? Dick Dardy! I bet he did, Dick Dardy. Remember, he used to do fucking 15 minutes on how big his dick was.

I wake up in the morning, there's goats on it! That's right. And he was this guy who had to be in his 60s when he was doing those jokes. Okay, hold on. Pull that up. Pull that up so we can read it. What does it say? Silicone penis pumping parties are a thing and they're no good. Okay, I gotta read this on my laptop so we can read it. Okay. What does it say? Silicone penis pumping parties are a thing and they're no good. Okay.

I got to read this on my laptop. I can read it. Silicone penis. Illegal penis pumping parties are becoming increasingly popular. Illegal. Imagine being the cop that busts that one up. Imagine if they're regulated. You have to give a license for a fucking silicone penis pumping party.

Put your hands behind your back. Applying for a license for a silicone penis pumping party. Put your hands behind your back. I'm applying for a license for a silicone penis pumping party. Pumping parties involve one person injecting non-surgical silicone into another person's body. Usually the silicone comes from items found in your local hardware store, like fix-a-flat or tire polish. And they inject it? Well, you better really enjoy that night. They use pumping party.

Women in the past have used pumping parties to enhance the sizes of their butts. But lately, more and more men have been doing it to their penises. Oh, my God. Oh, I've heard about women getting, you know, they go to like Spanish Harlem and they go to like a storefront upstairs. And they inject caulk. And then it petrifies. And they've got these hard lips. All right, Jeremy, I'm going to show you an actual guy that has silicone in his dick from a porn video.

I'm going to censor it for the home people. Okay, they're saying it doesn't work. If there was a legitimate method for penile lengthening, Johnson & Johnson or Pfizer would have bought it up and made billions and billions of dollars worldwide. The fact that they don't means it doesn't exist. So what they're saying, though, is this though is this is not that's saline, bro You got the wrong wrong substance that guy has saline in his balls. That's a common thing that they do too Yeah, we get I think we get the video. It's just salt water Um, so what they're saying is that people are idiots and that they get together and they shoot saline in their dicks

But these are the type of people that they're nuts I mean there's people to cut themselves shoot saline in their dicks. But these are the type of people that they're nuts. I mean, there's people that cut themselves and put horns in their head. This is not like something porn stars do to make their dicks bigger. They're saying also that it doesn't work. Your friend, the porn star guy that did Rear Factor.

Steven St. Croix. He's the one that also talked about it. We've talked about it many times on different podcasts before. Supposedly, it is a thing in the industry that people pump their dick up with like this shit i can't imagine that it would work though it doesn't make any sense that it would make it look i'm telling you if you see lexington steel's dick and i'm not saying go look for it but you will and if you do you're gonna go that ain't fake that is not a big fake siliconed up weirdo dick like a fake lip that's a dude with a giant dick

and he's only one of many the Johnny Holmes my point was that the Johnny Holmes reference that we had when we were kids that's no longer the benchmark these guys have way bigger dicks than John Holmes

if John Holmes was in one of those gang bangs with those guys he would look like a guy with a big dick that's it they all have big dicks these guys have giant dicks some of these guys you can't believe

that they can own a dick that big like what do they do with it when they're not using it they They all have big dicks. These guys have giant dicks. Some of these guys, you can't believe that they can own a dick that big. Like, what do they do with it when they're not using it? They laugh. All day laughing at the fucking goodness that the world has given them. Here's an article on Your Tango. It's an interview with a male porn star. And one of the things he says, sometimes dudes can't get it up, which is a problem on a porn set. No surprise there.

But apparently you can build up tolerance to erectional enhancers like Viagra. The solution? Inject your dick. Yes, with a needle. With more an intense liquid medication that works instantly and leaves your underside of your cock filled with needle holes. Yeah, but you're talking about the wrong stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is stuff that's been around forever. They've been doing that forever. I think it's... In the old days, they used to do it, I believe, with testosterone. Someone said they inject testosterone right into the base of their dick. And their dick would go... It would go in the penis and just start doing push-ups on its own. You don't even have to move. Oh, my God. Inject and dick.

I would use Pillsbury dough in mine. And then jerk off and have a croissant come out. Are you cooking it in there? How hot does your dick get? You know, that's a thing that people do. Why do I have a yeast infection again? Specifically? There's a thing that people do where they drive for long trips,

and they'll put food on their grill or on the engine block, like wrap it in aluminum foil, put it on the engine block, and cook it as they're driving, and then pull over and eat the food. That's genius. Yeah, and it works. Of course. You can take a tilapia, a little slice of butter, some garlic salt, put that bitch up in there, fold it nice,

put it on your engine block, and then the other one you roll up some asparagus, put that also in the aluminum foil, and then drive a couple of hours, pull over, and have a nice dinner. I wonder how long it would take to cook like that. You need a cookbook. Somebody should come up with a cookbook for cooking times and what part of the engine to put it on.

If you have a V6, cooking time is only 12 minutes. If you've got a Prius, it's four and a half hours. It doesn't get hot. If you have a fucking old Mustang, get it off in five minutes. Hit the gas once and eat. Like an old GT350. Those fucking things got so hot. Those fucking things got so hot. Those old cars got so hot.

Well, I had this Volkswagen Rabbit back when I was going from New York to Boston pretty much every week. Wow. I had a Volkswagen Rabbit, and they used to have the starter right next to the engine block. And so it would get heated up, and if I stopped, like at the Mass you know rest area it wouldn't start again because it was so fucking hot to start it was just like incapacitated and i have to wait like 40 minutes to start the car again so i would just leave the car running in the rest areas whoa that's a bitch right i used to have a uh one of the things i loved about having a manual transmission is i didn't need the starter that i could uh pop it and pop it yeah that was a big thing

man I wonder if I could do that with a new car does that work on new cars too it is probably all kinds of safety things I wonder if it works on new cars I should try it on

it is a huge upside of having a standard oh it was giant I loved it because my car ran out of batteries before I forgot the lights I left the lights on

and all I did was get that I did it backwards once oh yeah yeah wow I don't know how the fuck I did it was a shot with into reverse or backwards in the reverse Yeah backwards in the reverse works what it works great in first first is where it really works All your car is standard that you have now. No. No, I have an m3. That's not a standard

Hmm, that's my commuter car now I'm trying to think if I did do it backwards or if i rolled down a hill backwards and then turned around in the intersection and pulled it out i did it so many fucking times i don't remember but i had this audi fox it was such a piece of shit those were pieces of such a piece of shit but i love that car that car is a special car for me special car in my memory yeah because that was like my independence car that was the first car that i got when i like moved out of my parents house and the first car that i got there was a small car that i could drive around in and a cool kind of european thing going on too front wheel drive manual

transmission but it was such a hunk of shit it died all the time yeah i was always popping the clutch on that fucker i think it was a volkswagen at some point and then it switched sides because audi and volkswagen were like the same company. Really? I thought Cotter had a Volkswagen Fox. Maybe his was an Audi Fox. But I had... That was it.

That's my baby. Oh, yeah. That's nice, man. That looks like a... I didn't have that year, and I had a copper one. It was copper colored. I don't know if it was a two-door or a fourdoor. I don't remember. I think it was a four-door Was this your first car? No, it was my first like independent car

It was like when I was independent when I was wasn't living with my parents anymore. I had this car I think I bought it from one of my mom's friends or something, too I can't remember how the fuck I got it But it was like one of those cars where I was like, let me just drive this piece of shit around for a while. Because I'd been really into cars since I first got my license. I always loved American muscle cars.

That's what I loved. I loved like old Chevelles and Barracudas and Challengers and those kind of cars. I just loved them, man. Other cars to me were just transportation.

Like I got it, yeah, I know that you want to get a VW because that was exactly what I had. It was a two-door. That's exactly what I had. It was a two-door. That's exactly what I had. It was like a copper color, though, like a little darker.

But that was the first car that I had that was like, this is just going to get me where I want to go. What freedom that is. When you're inside that car and you realize, like, I'm in a capsule and it's fucking mine and it takes me where I want to go. That's powerful. Yeah, when you're young and it's the first time you get to just go wherever you want.

Because you've been taking buses and walking. I'll walk to your house, see you in an hour. Now it's like, I'll see you in two minutes and then we'll go buy beer and sit behind

a fucking bleachers. What is that? It's the same car. No. I think. Oh, wait, no. That looks like a hatchback. That's not the same car at all.

AMC Sprint. Yeah, it, no. That looks like a hatchback. That's not the same car at all. AMC Sprint. Yeah, it's a totally different company, different names. You're the worst researcher ever. Did you just Google car? No, I just did the model, and for some reason that just got mixed in with your cars. Oh. I don't know why. Cars that suck that you don't want in 2014.

How did you afford the car? Did you work for it? Yeah. Yeah, I don't remember because I don't remember what year it was but at though during those days it's probably a mix of construction work and probably delivering newspapers still then yeah i was delivering newspapers even before i had the the audi i started newspapers like right out of high school i did it for like four years i might have even done it while in high school for a while. It was just the greatest gig ever.

Did you throw them out the passage? Yes. And the driver's door. And it depended on where I was driving. Would you ever stop and get out because you made a bad throw? Yes. I stopped, got out if I made a bad throw. And there were certain houses that they demanded that you put it inside their door.

Oh. Which is really annoying. Did they tip you, those people? Some of them were. Some of them, I didn't mind it if they were old folks. They just didn't want to get up and walk all the way down the steps. I did it for, like, there was this old lady

that was super sweet, and I always did it for her. Did she even ask for it? No, she was a little too old. A couple years. I missed her by a couple years. She probably wanted it in the ass. Never had it. They didn't do it in the ass in the 80s, bro.

It was super rare. Think about it. That asshole't do it in the ass in the 80s, bro. It was super rare. But just think about it. That asshole is as tight as her vagina was when she was 17. It's just waiting. It's just waiting. It's not kemped. It's definitely not kept up well. Definitely flavored. Smoked.

And you know what? That arthritis. That arthritis, she's not getting a good wipe going back there either. Barely. Getting one finger in the groove. No one had anything but toilet paper back then. And even in porn, girls had hairy assholes back then. Remember that?

In porn, it was a jungle. They just left it alone. There was no trimming. No. And then one brave gal shaved the whole cooter. And then from then on out, it was a party. It was turning back. Now it's weird if you see it.

Have you even been, well, I guess not. But have you, like lately, if you see it, it's kind of like, what the fuck? No, that's a thing now. That was a party. Who's not turning back? Now it's weird if you see it. Have you even been... Well, I guess not, but have you... Like, lately, if you see it, it's kind of like, what the fuck? No, that's a thing now. That's a thing. It's retro... Bushes? Bushes, yeah. Bushes are making a comeback? Not huge bushes, but, you know... A little bit of jungle? Yeah, a little bit of jungle. A forestry?

Just a little bit of rainforest. Local park? Just a little triangle of green in the town square. Just a little something. A little something. Make it interesting. Well, people try to change it up every now and then with everything. I mean, remember when they tried to bring bell bottoms back? There was a time where dudes were wearing bell bottoms again.

Didn't last long. It was only a couple of months. But people were just trying. Yeah. And people accused me of that with the fanny pack. But I tell you this. First of all, I never stopped wearing a fucking fanny pack ever. So you can't tell me

that I'm trying to bring it back because it never went away. Is it back? I've always been... Fuck yeah, it's back. It's back? Matthew McConaughey was at a baseball game

wearing one and he was singing the virtues of the fanny pack. I sell out of them on higherprimate.com. Sell out of them every month. I hate having shit in my pockets. I love the fanny pack.

Fanny pack's fun. You want one? I got one for you. Yes. Right here. Yes. Jamie, get it for him. Oh, I love it. It's leather too. No, my kids laugh at me because I have one but in my pockets. I love the fanny pack. Fanny packs. You want one? I got one for you. Yes. Right here. Yes. Jamie, get it for him. Oh, I love it.

It's leather, too. No, my kids laugh at me because I have one, but it ripped apart. Yeah. See, that's a decent one, but the Roots one, I got the Roots one from Dice. Roots is the best fucking company. It's a great company. They make good bags. Yeah.

Dice came in, sweatpants, cigarettes, fanny pack. Oh! And so he comes in with this. Look at that. Thisarettes Fanny pack Oh And so he comes in With this Look at that This fucking fanny pack It's a sweet Fucking fanny pack

Oh that's elegant Two legit pockets In the front That is elegant High quality Everything like Great latch It's got like

An airplane buckle Excellent latching system And it's really high quality It's the best quality Fanny pack I could find And it's So I had my Higher primimate logo.

If you look on one of the pockets, see the chimp logo with the light bulb above his head? That's the Higher Primate logo. So I had it embossed, pressed, whatever it is, into the leather. This is real leather. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, those are high quality, man. But if you wear one of those, it's so convenient when you go

to the airport. My God. Because when you go to the airport, it's such a bitch to take everything out of your fucking pockets and put it back in. Chicks don't have to do that. They just lay down their purse and they walk to the other side

and they're good. Oh, anywhere. Like, because I, like my glasses, they're sitting on the table right now. I'll probably forget them.

That happens to me every fucking day. This way, I stick them right inside my fanny pack. Ka-chow! Pow! God damn it, I'm happy right now. Your phone slips right in there.

When it vibrates, it vibrates right over your dick. Reach down, touch it, pull it out. Call me. You wait until it's like four or five rings in,

then you pull it out. I just, but my point is that this isn't like the bell bottom. This thing's functional as fuck. It's like the most functional way to carry your shit around ever.

And the reason why people don't do it is because they're worried that they look bad. Is it a conversation starter, do you find? Yes. Most certainly is. Yeah. Yes. People go, right on, man. I go, yeah. That's right. Fuck everybody. Fuck them. Remember Rosie Greer in the 70s started

carrying a purse? Did he? That giant fucking linebacker. Who's gonna say shit to him? Nobody. Exactly. Yeah. You don't need a backpack. Doesn't need to have two handles. Yeah, right. But the real deal is a backpack's better than a purse. And you're allowed to wear a backpack. Like, if a guy has a backpack on, and, you know, you run into

some friends, and one of them happens to be a girl, nobody gives you a hard time. But if you had a fucking purse on, they'd be like, what's up, bitch? What are you doing with that purse? Holy shit, is that Chanel? The fuck is wrong with you? Right. You don't have a woman anywhere near you. You're just walking around with this. Yeah.

And if you are a guy and you have a purse, you got to carry it like this, like out to the side, as if it's a head that you just cut off with a fucking sword. Like it's smelly garbage you're bringing out to the curb. Yeah, I'm carrying this because I'm going to get some pussy at the end of this fucking journey. I got this in my hand, and when I bring it back to her, I'm going to fuck the life out of her. Every second I hold this, there's another second I'm inside of her skull with my shaft.

And plus, you could do some good shoulder exercises, just do some handoffs as you walk with the purse, because a lot of chicks have fucking heavy purses. You can get a lot of shit done. The bigger the purse, the crazier the woman also. That's so true. Right. That's so true. Right. Yeah yeah but those chicks that have like little tiny like clutches those are those are the chicks that

could just they'll come over your house you and they'll all right take care i gotta hit the airport that's it those chicks travel light they got a handy wipe in there for the undercarriage otherwise it's just a boarding pass give it a little fucking One of those sanitary things You know those wipes Purell wipes After eating ribs After ribs The things you get at Woodbridge

Give it a little wipe And it looks the same Yeah Fuck it Let it go Let it go And get on that plane World travelers

Some people do travel like that. Don Marrera buys all his underwear and socks everywhere he goes. Is that true? Throws them out. Yeah, throws them out. That sounds like an effort, though, to find a place that sells underwear. Not really. He just pulls in somewhere when he gets there, gets some socks.

What does he rent a car to go to the gig? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I bet he does in some places for sure. You know, but I always rent a car. Do you rent a car when you go places? Rarely. Rarely?

I go to the hotel and I just hole up and get depressed for a few days. I know. You keep telling me I got to bring someone around. The way we do it, man, we do it so different. Now with Uber, you don't need to rent a car, really. That's true. Yeah. But then you got some crazy dude driving around that's probably barely been fucking profiled. You know, they barely checked that guy out.

Yeah, right. He's got no gas. He ran out of gas. Robert Downey Jr. with a purse. See, I don't know about that one. It's probably his wife's purse. Or he's Robert Downey motherfucking Jr. and he's got a billion dollars. He doesn't give a fuck.

But the purse hanging around the arm seems like a pain in the ass. That seems like you're stuck with your arm like that the whole time. But it's a good exercise. It's good for the arm muscles. Right. Put a kettlebell on the other one. Yeah, put a kettlebell in it. I have a bowling ball case that I carry with me when I go on the road.

I bring a kettlebell in it. Do you really? I throw a 50-pound kettlebell in that bitch. Check it. Shut up. Yeah, seriously. It's on a roller and everything. So you can do kettlebells when you get to the hotel.

Otherwise, where are you going to get a kettlebell? It's hard. Hard to get a kettlebell. Have you ever tried one of the water ones where you just pump up with water? Those are not strong enough for this, son. You've got to feed that. That needs to be fed. This is... Water's not going to... You need something much larger than water. Water's not heavy enough. You need metal.

There you go, son. Look at that. Brian's working out. Yeah, it's good. His need something much larger than water. Water's not heavy enough. You need metal. There you go, son. Look at that. Brian's working out. Yeah, it's good. His fist was shaking a little bit. Some hotels have great gyms. When a hotel is a great gym, it's a godsend because you don't have to go anywhere. It's right there in the building.

When they have great 24-hour gyms, that's amazing. Oh, can you do that? You do the midnight workout? Oh, I love it. No shit. I do after shows. I love an after show weightlifting session. Wow. Yeah. You go for a while? Yeah. You know why I do it? Because I don't want to do it. night workout i love it no shit after shows i love it after show weight lifting session wow

yeah you go for a while yeah you know why i do it because i don't want to do it because after shows i want to just do nothing so every now and then i like to exercise that part of me that doesn't want to do something huh yeah i think it's important to do yeah i would just worked in tampa and they had a gym around the corner that was like you know triathlon or like what are the people that drag tire fucking giant they had giant tractor tires you could push and chains you could pull it was wild there was like no pussy machines at all none of my machines are there isn't it funny that all that stuff used to be called work right that was what people used to do you had to pick up chains if you worked in a fucking shipyard climb a ladder yeah if you

worked in a factory that made tires, you had to flip tires. You had to move them. I mean, now everybody's like, oh, I'm getting that CrossFit workout in. I'm hitting a tire with a sledgehammer. Why don't you do some honest work? You're wasting all that sledgehammer movement. You could be breaking rocks in the pen. Right.

There's crates. You stack crates over in the corner, and then you restack them in the other corner. You remember that was what we always saw in penitentiary movies? Dudes would break rocks. Yeah. Remember that? Yep. Is that real? That's still.

They still do that. They break rocks. Fuck yeah. I would think the last thing you would want is a bunch of inmates with insane cardio that have been breaking rocks all day. Yeah. Because if you have a fucking sledgehammer, and you're swinging that bitch all day breaking rocks, my God, are you going to get in insane shape. You're backing it shape you're back and if you punch somebody george farman used to do that he used to chop wood

that was like one of his exercises my neighbor does that every night it sucks it's annoying he just has wood and just sits there and chops wood all night long and it's and it's loud but he has this humongous thing that you just like it doesn't split because it's just as humongous like so he does it just for fun out, huh? Yeah, my my doctor digs holes in his yard I Go I go. What do you do for exercise? Cuz he doesn't he doesn't he's a black belt in martial arts to some kind of martial art But I go do you do that anymore? It's like dad's too much strain on my body cuz he's in his 60s

I go so what do you do for workouts cuz I dig holes in my yard I go on the yard and I just do do rope i just do yard work start digging holes yeah i go do you want to dig these holes is there a purpose for me goes sometimes and sometimes it's just to dig a hole bodies you know no he's a nice guy but he said that that's like a great way of uh it's a great like that's a manual labor that's like really robust for the body yeah because you're digging into that dirt you're forcing it in with your legs digging it up You're hoisting it up and then boom and then it's just there's like heels if you look at the motion of like digging a hole He's like all of that. It's like an excellent workout. Yeah, it's like you're forcing you're using your legs using your arms

You're using your shoulders and your back you're digging you're bending down you're picking it up It's all these muscles are engaged also when it's an activity then you will push yourself further than if you were just lifting a dead weight right there's no creativity there's no beginning middle and end to it but when you're shoveling or even if you're busting up stones there's like i'm gonna bust this fucking stone up but i would think busting up stones would fuck your face up and your body up you get hit with shrapnel and shit. You'd probably get cut. Your ears are just deaf by the end of the day. Oh, God.

You'd have to have some shit in your ears. And you know the handle's getting splinters on it. They're not giving you good hammers. They'll probably give you gloves. Anything they give you gloves? Maybe. Maybe. But I got news for you.

Even with gloves, you're going to get blisters. Yeah. You're swinging a hammer all day, a sledgehammer breaking rocks, and you're doing it five days a week or whatever they make those guys work? See, they need to combine the gym with actual industry. Like what if you really did need rocks broken up? Bring them to Gold's Gym, dump them out back, have people come out and cross-train by hitting the rocks,

hook up all the cardio machines to a generator so you're getting the electricity out of it. Turn the gym into a working energy and production machine. Do you know how much cardio you would have to do to generate any energy? Oh, is that right? Like even enough energy to like power a phone while you're jogging would be very difficult. You couldn't even

keep the lights going in the gym? Yeah. I mean, maybe. No. No. No. No, no, no. With the music playing and the TV's Yeah. I mean, maybe. No. No. No. No, no, no. With the music playing and the TVs on and all the fluorescents on, good fucking luck. Yeah. Solar. You could do it with solar. But the amount of force that you would have to do, like on an elliptical machine, just

to keep your iPhone running, I don't know if you could do it. Wow. I really think your iPhone would require at least as much as you were doing if you were like really fucking hoofing it unless they made a super efficient system but i don't know man i don't know i just i i would think that if that was the case there would be all sorts of mechanical workarounds for electricity you know i think that would be something that someone would have thought of a long time ago if you could like imagine if you could get your day's worth of electricity all by doing a 20-minute session on your elliptical machine every day. So every day, not only did you force yourself to get a

good exercise in to start your day, but when you bank it like that, it stores electricity and it powers your entire house for the day. Air conditioning. That would be badass. And eventually we get to the point where we all have like, where they get ions small enough where everyone's got a battery pack. You've got a fanny pack. It's got a battery in it. And you got to work out in the morning to charge that motherfucker. And then when you go to work, your computer plugs in there.

It's just got a giant plug. And then you fill it yourself. If you don't have enough juice at the end of the day, you don't fucking work on your computer. I'd be fit as fuck. Yeah, well, you would need that energy. It's like, in a way, that's kind of what people used to have to do when they were chopping wood. It's like, you had to go out and chop that fucking wood up.

Otherwise, you didn't have wood to burn. Like, there's this show that I watch sometimes. Friends? No, I don't watch that. Curious George? Frasier. That's my favorite. No, it's not. I don't watch that. Curious George? Frasier. That's my favorite. No, it's not.

I didn't know. Is Frasier a thing? Never got it. Never understood it. I'd watch it for five minutes and go, okay. Yeah, it's classic sitcom formula. Get one character who's exactly the same as the other character, and then just watch the conflict arise.

Frasier's one of the weird sitcoms where people don't talk about it. Yeah. and then just watch the conflict arise. And it's, well, Frasier's one of the weird sitcoms where people don't talk about it. Yeah. Like, that was a big goddamn sitcom for a long time. 12 years or some shit. Nobody talks about it. Here's another one.

And it won a ton of Emmys, too. Fuck yeah, it did. Here's another one. Ready for this? John Larroquette Show. How long was that on? I don't remember that show. Exactly.

Exactly. A long time. Right. You don't hear about it? Lenny Clark was on it. Lenny Clark was on the set right down the, like one sound stage over. When I was on news radio, it was news radio was on one side. Joey Lawrence was next to us.

And Joey Lawrence would sit in his car and he would open his doors up of his car. It's a crazy car. You know, he's super rich. And he would open his doors up of his car. It's a crazy car. He's super rich. And he would crank his sound system with his songs playing. And he would sit there and fucking rock out to his songs. But the fucking kid was like 18, right? The kid was 18, and he had a Ferrari or something ridiculous, a big Mercedes. I mean, he had a ton of cars.

I mean, he was unbelievably wealthy. And he would play his music and Dave Foley took great amusement in this. Dave Foley loved it. He was like, the Lawrence boy is out there playing his music again.

He would come in, he goes, he seems to quite like his own songs. Dave would go out there and he would wave to him. There he is. Nothing my love can't fix.

He was a Bieber before Bieber. Yeah. That jacket is... All his clothes are way too big. He was beautiful. Look at that hair, man. I didn't have hair like that when I had hair. No.

When I had all my hair, like I had lost a piece of hair, I didn't have hair like that when I had hair. No. When I had all my hair, like I had lost a piece of hair, I didn't have hair like that. But he would play this in his thing right next to it. So right next to him was Greg Giraldo. Greg Giraldo's show was, or I might be fucking up the timeline here. I think Giraldo might have been first I think Geraldo might have been first season. Joey Lawrence might have been second season. But Geraldo's show was on there as well.

And then right over here was the John Larroquette show with Lenny Clark. And we're all on the same feed. So we could watch them rehearse. So we could watch, like, and I would watch their rehearsals, and Larroquette was such a dick. He would yell at all the other actors. You kind of could see that. Oh my God, he was a dick. I used to watch him yell at Lenny.

And Lenny is a big fucking guy. And Lenny is a guy who's been in a lot of fights. He's done his share of blow and he will punch you in your fucking face. But he didn't because he was on this show with this guy and he's like, Hey, tell him.

Tell him, John, fucking relax. You're on TV. Why are you so fucking stressed? But I would watch him yell at the cast or throw his fucking script and get all pissed off. And that happens on sets. It's just people get all fucking tense. They work together all the time, and there's so much stress involved, and sometimes people blow off at each other.

Well, and you're getting paid so much stress involved and sometimes people blow off at each other well and you're getting paid so much money that you start to internalize that what you're doing is actually that important like the money really shouldn't be that high for what you're doing no and so you start to feel like you really should be giving more and it should be better and it's still a sitcom it's not supposed to be any better well it, it's also, it was the John Larroquette show. So it's his show. It had his name on it. And he was on what?

Was it Night Court before that? This is after Night Court, right? Yep. Yep. How many seasons did that go, Brian? I would say only three because I barely remember this being on. No, no, no.

Don't say only three. Google it. But then Night Court. Night Court was a decade, I bet. It went to syndication. I would guarantee it did at least four. And Night Court, he had the kind of gig where he just showed up, nailed a couple scenes, and went home for 10 years.

Yeah, but it's one of those shows that was on TV when news radio was on. It was like a big show, and no one talks about it. It's weird. How many seasons? Four. It went from 93 to 96. Yep, so four seasons. Probably did 100 episodes. How many seasons? Four. It went from 93 to 96. Yep. So four seasons.

Yeah. Probably did 100 episodes. Yep. I think that's what they did, and then they got out. Banged out 25 a year. Well, I think, isn't the magic number 100? That's when they can syndicate? That's why NewsRadio never really got to 100.

That was like our joke, is that we never quite made it. You didn't get to 100? No, we got to 98. Oh, no shit. That's hilarious to 98 that's it's hilarious yeah but it's syndicated anyway right so they didn't need 100 syndicate but it was an inside joke with us that like yeah that's us we just fucking never quite made it news radio dollar short became famous after it was off the air that's when it really became famous. I mean, it became famous when Phil died, you know, but before Phil died, it wasn't like a hit show

because we moved around nine times. That's a real number. Your time slot? Nine times over five years. And this is pre-internet. That's right. I remember that. You guys were all over the place.

That's where it was. Did you get any bad ones like Friday night? We got terrible ones. I don't remember where it was i remember was there was monday for a while and there was tuesday and i think sunday but we never got thursday thursday was like the big night we were on thursday once we were like number two and it was like friends and then us and we were like oh my god this could happen every week but it never happened again yeah all right it's it with the slot the sign the the sign um

or the um time slot that you're in is so important time slots everything and like there was a lot of shows that would be like friends seinfeld and that show would be in the middle you know and they would call it the shit sandwich spot that's what paul sims used to call it because it's like these amazing shows and then in between these amazing shows would be like sex in the City. Different world. Jonathan Silverman had that show, the single guy. Yeah, the single guy. And those shows would be unwatchable, but they would be sandwiched in between genius shows. And so everybody would watch them.

So everybody wanted those slots. Well, I think they launched Third Rock in that spot too, didn't they? I don't know. I don't remember. I think they might have launched it there and then take – because that's their goal is that's the that's where that's where they plant the seed they let it grow and then they transplant it hopefully to a tuesday or wednesday where that becomes an anchor for other shows and they can do that now way better because people can alert people that the time slots changed but back then no one knew what the fuck was going on unless you had tv guide you know you didn't know when the time slot was so

we'd move slots also you're taking advantage of the lead-in. Thursday night was must-see TV. People put it on at 8 o'clock, and they turned it off at 10 o'clock. Yeah, and it was a tradition for some strange reason, like a Thursday night tradition, mostly because there was great shows like Seinfeld. I think Cheers was a Thursday night show too originally, right? So it's always been traditionally their spot. There's a great

book warren littlefield wrote called top of the rock that's the history of thursday night must see tv it talks about just i mean you realize how random things happen like the casting of friends could have gone eight different ways literally you know how it is people test for a show yeah so you've got three or four actors going in for a role in one day. And the fact that they picked Jennifer Aniston, the fact that they picked, you know, they nailed that cast. It was exact. I mean, I was never into the show. I never got it.

But it is apparently a very perfect, balanced, you know, ensemble cast. Yeah, they nailed it. They nailed the casting. There's no mistakes. But the book tells you about how many ways things could have blown over contracts. And guess what? The reality is, if they did it differently, it probably still would have worked. They would have found some other talented people.

Maybe. It's not a matter of those are the only gems they could have found. There's so many goddamn talented people that never get a chance. That's the craziest thing about acting is that you don't have, like, there's no recourse. Like, if they don't choose you, tough shit. There's nothing else. It's like a comic, there's no recourse. Like, if they don't choose you, tough shit. There's nothing else. It's like a comic, you're undeniable. You go up at the improv and destroy,

then someone who's got a sitcom deal goes on after and sucks their own dick. There's nothing anybody could say. It's like, you can't deny that Greg Fitzsimmons is funny. You just saw it. It's over. He proved it. But if you're an actor, good luck.

Good fucking luck. That's why they're so facetious that's why they're so like there's so much fakeness in the way they behave that's why there's so much anxiety in the actor community like their entire gig is dependent upon someone else's approval yeah when you meet sitcom actors they're so positive and they so try to make a connection with you and be your friend. And you always walk away going, wow, that's a really good guy. And then you realize, that motherfucker. He's working it.

He's working it. They have to work it. If they don't work it, if there's any hint whatsoever that you might be difficult, they will move on to step two. Who's the other guy? Bring him in. And the other guy comes in, give it to him. You know? It happens. And casting is a weird the other guy comes in, give it to him. You know? It happens.

And casting is a weird thing. And then once you make it, then they trust you. Yeah. I mean, you look at the people. Exactly. You know, you look at Kelsey Grammer or Julie Louise Dreyfuss. Like, some people, they just go, put him back in. Yeah.

They can't fail. It's just the writing's bad. Yeah. Yeah. There's, you know, Ray Romano was the original guy on my gig. Right. In News Radio. Yeah. And they fired him during the original guy on my gig. Right, News Radio. Yeah, and they fired him during the taping of the pilot.

They're like, this guy just doesn't connect with America. Yeah. He leaves and goes off to do a giant, way more successful sitcom, Everybody Loves Raymond. In the title, not only are you wrong in firing him, but in the title, it says everybody loves Raymond. You didn't think that people liked him? No, you're so wrong. He was so good, he literally walked away from the job. How often does that happen?

Where they go, we're only going to do 10, and I think they talked him into 11, and then they walked away still with really strong ratings. You mean seasons? I think they did 10, and then they bought another one wow he did 11 seasons i think so check it out brian how much money is involved in owning your own show and being on 11 and a show that by the way still in the air like that's unlike fraser or these other shows you flip through the channels you'll find everybody that was raining on all the time it's it's still a really good show does he own it does he have some ownership he has ownership yeah without a doubt you can't have I don't know about that Raymond show and yeah but he was like I remember I had a development deal the same year he did when it was the Raymond deal and his was

minuscule I remember almost thinking like oh that's so fucking weird that guy's so funny and like I know it was like a it was like a september development deal was like the end of the season and he kind of crawled in and he he'd been doing letterman so it was a deal with worldwide pants and then they put him together with phil rosenthal and it struggled the show struck no i don't think he had enough juice to get ownership eventually i'm sure he did yeah yeah eventually i'm sure they renegotiated it yeah i know he's insanely wealthy nine seasons seasons. Nine seasons. Nine seasons. Well, when I was, you know, I'm good friends with Kevin James,

and when I was on news radio, it was right when, like Ray and I didn't have any tension because there was actually a guy in between us that got hired to do his gig, and then that guy got fired, and then I got it. So it wasn't like I was taking over Ray's spot. And Ray and I had always been friends and so we were eating at Jerry's Deli and it was right when he got it

and I've never seen a guy more obsessed with getting things right like we're all sitting there eating dinner or lunch or whatever the fuck we're eating and Ray would be like what if a guy comes in and he's going through all of his bits like he was obsessed

the bits that were going to happen on a sitcom like he's going through all of his bits like going through the thing like he was no no the bits like that were gonna happen on the sitcom oh like he was going through the beats like is it better to you know he's like had all these ideas and he was just throwing them around like they they couldn't stay in his head like he was so obsessed with getting it right yeah that it was like all day every day it was on his mind you know i was working catch a rising star in princeton with uh tom uh calto biano tom paris he changed his name to who's like his wingman basically bianco right calto bianco yeah isn't that how you say it yeah he's like a photographer and he was a writer on ray but anyway he came down and ray was tom was opening for me and ray was taking the train from new york to

princeton to keep working on the pilot with Tom. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, he works hard, man. He works hard. Well, he's obsessive. Yeah, he's a funny, funny, funny fucking guy.

I just played golf at this club that he belongs to and they told me like, Ray, yeah, a little obsessive out here. Yeah, with golf? Yeah. Yeah. Well, Kevin too. Him and Kevin are fucking maniacs with golf.

Really? Kevin plays golf good. Yeah. I just saw last night his brother. He hurt his shoulder playing golf. Did he? Gary did? Gary Valentine, yeah.

Just going crazy? He hit a shot out of the rough. It was thick rough, and I guess the club got caught, and he ripped his fucking shoulder apart. That can happen, huh? Yeah. I would imagine if you hit something really hard, and all of a sudden it stops. Right, right. Shoulder's a tough one, man.

Shoulder has a weird joint. Unlike a knee. Like a knee they can fix pretty good. Because knees, it's fairly simple because it only hinges. It goes up and down. But a shoulder has all this articulation and movement. And you have to apply pressure in 360 degrees at any given time. You're pushing up, back, forward.

I had shoulder surgery a couple years ago. Did you? Well, all the ligaments had worn out. And, you know, where the clavicle comes together with it, there's three bones that come together right here. And so they went in and they sawed. They went in two spots arthroscopically. They sawed down each of the three bones a little bit. Wow.

And it creates space. And then it causes um uh tissue what do you call scar tissue which acts like a ligament and now my arm fucking 100 i couldn't even lift it it was just i wore it out just from did you tear it no it was a life life of throwing objects and being a being a boy throwing things is a big one man shoulder surgery for football players that that like quarterbacks and also for baseball players, that's super common, man. Yeah.

There's something about throwing that's just a lot of stress on the body. Yeah. The good thing about boxing and those kind of workouts is, especially if you hit a bag, you're hitting something. So even though there's resistance, at the end of it, you're hitting something. So it's not like the the snap of like like missing things and right throwing thing when you throw things there's just like you're extending and you're starting behind yourself boxing your hands are in front of you

so you're you've got your body weight behind everything you're doing yeah and when you hit something like the workout like if anybody wants a great workout, get a goddamn bag. Get a heavy bag. If you've got a garage or a basement or something where we can hang it or some place that has a bag that you can work out at, man,

and just fucking set your phone down and time yourself for three minutes and just go hammer that fucker. Even if you have shit technique, just keep hitting it. Hit that fucker for three minutes.

You'd be amazed at how exhausted you are and then how good you feel after you feel so peaceful i know and also you can do it if you're married just hit your wife no greg greg you're going i mean you need to marry a heavy girl you don't if she's like a buck 10 she's it's one punch your workouts oh yeah you want like a 150 with a good chin. Good stout chin. Make some strong babies. And some anger issues so she pushes back. This weekend, I got to drive

a Dodge Challenger Hellcat. That is going to be your next car. Really? You told me that you wanted to get a Challenger. You're lucky you didn't get the old Challengers because they're kind of shit boxes. But they've nailed it now. Oh my God. Oh my God. How big is the engine? Oh, nothing. Just challengers because they're kind of shit boxes but they've nailed it now yeah my god oh my god

how big is the engine car oh nothing just 707 horsepower is that the biggest production engine out there the most powerful muscle car ever built whoa exactly women will never understand this greg i i knew that you were going to be here today so i was happy while i was driving it that i'm going to get to talk to greg about this what did it feel like this is what this is driving it that's pretty good cut cut to way towards the end of this video that was the beginning of it cut to way towards the end when he's driving it because for the first like 20 minutes they just talk it's pretty cool did you punch it coming out of a turn yeah what do the wheels do we beat the shit out of this thing sorry dodge srt Only in good ways.

We just stomped on the gas a lot. It was just really fun, man. It's unbelievable. Oh, it's automatic? That one is, but they sell it in a stick, too. You can buy it in a stick. You want a stick. That visibility looks better, too.

My problem with the Challenger was always the visibility. It's kind of funky out of the passenger side. When you're looking back, That right corner is a little funky But whatever How much does it start at? It's not that much, it's like for $60,000 And I'm telling you, which is a lot of money But for that car, for 707 horsepower

The biggest production engine out there And you're getting it for less than It's so comfortable, that's what's fucked up These cars, they've figured out how to make the suspensions And the seats and everything It's like a cadillac i swear to god dude you'll be blown away i didn't even put it like there's modes you could put it in you could put it in like track mode i didn't put it on track but look how awesome that thing is awesome play that sound so you can hear it when he's doing that because it sounds so fucking good package

for dodge this is how cats the code name of the engine right This is not even doing it justice because he's inside of it with the camera. Little bounce on the back end. Dude, it's so smooth. When you drive it, it's so comfortable because it's huge. It's 4,000 pounds. It's not like a little car. It's like way bigger than a Mustang. Hybrid, oh, dear.

This is designed to ruin the earth, okay? You're supposed to take part in ruining the earth with a smile on your face and a fucking glass of Chivas Regal in your hand smoking a Dunhill, stomping on the gas. And you can see the tsunami behind you as you outrun it. Knowing you caused it. Whoa. Who's that, dude?

This is what it sounds like. That's wind noise. That's wind noise. Jesus Christ. Wow. Dude, listen to these things before you crank them to the roof. That's just the wind. That's because they put a camera on the outside of the car.

Like a GoPro. Yeah. The wind noise is awful on those fucking things. But the sound that it actually makes. There's one video where it says Hellcat Challenger Sound where it's just the exhaust. It literally raises your testosterone yeah i had this guy in gad sod he's a uh what is his he's some super intelligent sophisticated phd type character i forget what his uh degree is in but he was talking about oh that's me all right

looking sexy as fuck wow that has been photoshopped on the underground on MixedMartialArts.com to the point of no return. Oh, is that right? Every possible- See, I can't imagine what they would do to it. Take another foot out. Every possible gay scenario. That is beautiful. It's a beautiful car.

Car looks good. My point is, find that Challenger sound. It's just, the sound actually raises your testosterone. Like, literally raises your testosterone. My brother-in-law, he bought two kind of junked up Dodge Challengers, 73 Dodge Challengers, and he just, he's a motorhead, and he put them together and made this beautiful fucking car. It's like growling. It's like a lion.

Sounds so good, dude. That's an American car that you can buy. And I'm telling you, when you're driving it, you're like, this is so nice. The inside of it is comfortable. It's got all Alcantara, which is that artificial suede everywhere. It feels good. The dash is great. It's a fucking incredible car.

I'm so happy that they finally started making real American muscle cars again. Because for the longest time- They tried for a while, and they were just like, you guys are fucking missing it yeah and then like five years ago they just went back to the original plans yeah that's all we wanted big engine lots of power lots of sound even the body shape they went back to the original that's only one there's one with eddie bravo behind me he's smacking me in the head it's hilarious hilarious. Oh, it's so funny. Oh, that's great. I love those things.

Me too. Fucking Photoshop's or something. Back in the day, man, people would get really upset if other people made fun of them like that, but I don't get that. I think it's funny. Like, people get mad. Like, do they hate you?

Are they mad at you? Like, no, they're not mad at you. They're making fun. Yeah. Like, you can't be made fun of? Does it change you as a person? Yeah. Like, you don't think that's funny. Kimbo Slice banging me over the side of a car. That's hilarious.

Yeah, I just had French Stewart. No. He was from Third Rock from the Sun. He was the kid. He squinted a lot. I never saw that show. Anyway, he was heavily parodied. He was telling me about when he was at his top, SNL was parodying him, Jimmy Fallon, South Park guys. That was the John Lithgow show, rightodied. He was telling me about like when he was at his top, like SNL was parodying him,

Jimmy Fallon, like, uh, South Park. That was the John Lithgow show, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. He's the inception kid. And, uh, and South Park would regularly ream him for being a horrible actor and all that. And he's like, and he's like,

honestly, I fucking loved it. He goes, it really made me feel like I had made it. That's funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, American Dad nailed me once.

No shit. When I was on Fear Factor. Yeah, I pulled up drinking a beer in a car and I was looking for strippers. I pulled up in a car drinking and then I met Seth McFarlane and I did his other show. I did... Cleveland Show? No.

American Dad. No, the other one family family guy i did family guy i did i played me on family guy like did my own voice i'm sorry i got once but it was funny he's a nice guy man yeah mcfarlane's a very friendly like smiley guy you know who's cool as fuck judd apatow yeah judd apatow was at the improv the other night he's just hanging out with us like everybody else right it was me and him and dalia and um and and um jeffries jim jeffries we were hanging out over by the the hallway by where the bathroom is because there's no fucking green room in the hollywood improv which is the most ridiculous thing ever like dalia was like like there's no green room like nobody thinks about the fact there's no green

room i was like yeah if we were in pittsburgh we'd be like fuck this place yeah this is but because it's in town we'll just accept the fact there's nowhere to stand in between shows but judd apatow was just hanging out with everybody else yeah he came on my podcast one time and then i i went on about six months ago and i talked about how i thought girls was a really bad show and i didn't realize that he created it and then and the truth is i'd only seen like five minutes but i just saw like all i saw was hipsters and i was like i fucking i hate hipsters and so i just immediately judged the show and talked shit about it so then somebody of course tweets out to me and judd hey judd how do you feel like greg fitzsimmons saying your show is and he said

more than overstated what i said like said it's a shit show and so then Judd replied to him that's a lie Greg Fitzsimmons is uh you know a funny guy and he gets it and he's a friend and he would never say that so then I emailed him like dude I'm so sorry I honestly haven't even seen the show and I didn't know you created it and he gave me like a giant free pass. And so I went off and I watched it. And honestly, not shitting you, I watched the first season and it's actually a really good show. I don't like hipsters, but I jumped the gun like an ass. I don't like hipsters either, but they're great fodder. They're great fodder.

Yeah, I mean, if you were going to do a sitcom and you didn't have a hipster in it today, you're not thinking straight. Right. A hipster would be like one of the perfect people to fuck with. Yeah, it's like the yuppies of the 80s. Even better, because they take themselves way seriously. And part of their shtick about being a hipster is you're too cool for everything. Yeah. You're too cool for, oh, I'm over it.

I'm so over this. I'm so over that. You're not allowed to get excited about everything. And you have to keep moving on. Nick Yusuf is not a hipster. He's the ultimate hipster. He takes you. Who is?

He's so crazy. Nick Yusuf, when he was on the podcast, showed no hipster whatsoever. He's a normal, cool dude who happens to be a comic. You need to follow his Twitter because he has things where he shows you how to wash your jeans with toothbrushes and shit. That doesn't make him a hipster. How does that make him a hipster? It makes him broke.

Marin bought these jeans where you don't ever wash them. What? Yeah. They're called jeans. I think those are hipster jeans. No, there's no jeans where you don't ever wash them.

No, I swear to God. Wash your jeans, you dirty bitch. Nope. That's ridiculous. There's a certain type. They're made of a material that's supposed to mold to your body so you never wash it.

Get the fuck out of here. That's so ridiculous. That's just someone's fiction. No, he talks about it on his podcast. Yeah, but the person who created those jeans. Oh, right, right, right. That's their fiction. fiction. No, he talks about it in his podcast. Yeah, but the person who created those jeans. Oh, right, right, right. That's their fiction. Yes.

No, it's clothes, you fucking dirty bitch. If you're getting funky in clothes, what, do the clothes magically have little cleaning robots that run around inside your dick and clean out where you're farting into your fucking pants? It's Levi's, though. Levi jeans. Oh, no, no, no. See, they're saying not to wash your jeans. That's what they're saying. You don't have to wash them.

That's what they're saying. That you wear like a jacket. No, you don't wash your jacket. They're saying you don't have to wash your jeans. Yeah. I sweat. Okay. I sweat all the time.

Your undercarriage get a little steamy? My legs, everything. My body cools itself well. Yeah. I get shit done. And my jeans get wet. And I'm not wearing wet, smell wet smelly ammonia stinking jeans because my my sweat's gone through them and then it's dried out and it's got this faint whiff of funk

fuck that once i fart in a pair of pants they're going in the laundry it's over especially if i have yogurt in the morning levi says that you should just freeze your jeans instead of washing oh to kill bacteria. They're disgusting. They're disgusting. Do they not understand that we have washing machines now? We're not living in the year fucking 1910 when you had to do that shit with a rock and a fucking flat board. Remember those washboards? Yeah.

The freezer. Yeah. Honey, why does this turkey taste like someone's balls? I do admit I don't wash my jeans as much as regular clothes though. I'd say maybe I'll wear them like 10 times. That's a lot, but I'm comfortable with wearing them for a weekend. I'll wear the same jeans two days in a row. No problem. If I go on the road, if I don't feel like

packing a lot of shit, I'll throw in one pair of jeans. I'll throw in a backup pair just in case shit hits the fan because my fucking bridge troll body doesn't fit normal jeans. I have to get specific jeans that fit me yeah i can't wear like like levi's 501s what's what's too big your your legs my legs they won't they won't go over past my knees i get above the knee and then it hits the troll part of me yeah have you tried the sweat pant one or the stretchy jeans that looks too sexy i'm trying too hard yeah because you gotta think, my ass sticks out a lot

and the thighs, so my dick will be much more smushed in there. I'll be trying to get everybody to look at my dick. I want to see that on the hood of a charger. Bet you do. I'm back to the original jeans. The fucking lightweight, faded, loose, relaxed

80s jeans. These are Luckys. Luckys fit me. Luckys, for whatever reason, Lucky jeans, they make them... No, they're loose. Yeah, Luckys are Lou. Yeah, more ape-like legs. Luckys are Lou?

What the fuck? I don't know what that means. You don't know? As long as we won't know. We look good. That's a terrible fucking Photoshop. Some people's Photoshop skills are just awful. Really?

They're awful. Everything's out of perspective. There's three different people in there that use parts from. Gotta learn how to manipulate images, kids. That Challenger needs to be your car, Greg Fitzsimmons. We're not getting any younger.

Yeah, I know. We'll get back to that. If you're not gonna get that, get a Camaro. They have the new ZL1 and Z28. These two new cars they have. Yeah. Standard.

You get them with a manual, just like that. That comes with a manual. But they sound fucking fantastic and they're ridiculously fast. What about the Mustang GT? That's another good one. That's the one. If I'm gonna get one, manual just like that. That comes with a manual. But they sound fucking fantastic. And they're ridiculously fast. What about the Mustang GT? That's another good one. That's the one.

If I'm going to get one, I'm getting that. How cheap is it? Well, the new Mustang GT is like $35,000. And it's fucking 420 horsepower. Trading that Prius right now. The ones that, if you got a, they don't have the 2015s out yet. But if you got a 2014, the 2014 is a fucking great car. It's a great car. it's loud as shit and

you could probably get a really good deal at them they have 400 plus horsepower they have that coyote engine it's a it's a fucking five liter is that just the baseline one a gt it's not expensive like as far as like what you get bang for your buck you can't do any better than the mustang gt it's a goddamn fast car yeah the old cars like in the 1970s like when a challenger came out like the 1970 challenger 1970 71 those cars were ridiculous it's 440 horsepower no one had seen anything like that with death defying fucking brakes the brakes were retarded they were awful drum brakes in the rear you stomped on the gas The whole car went sideways No traction control No nothing Just a regular

Base Mustang GT Will bury that car Bury it And be able to corner And have anti-lock brakes Yeah Be able to corner And then they have

The other one Like the Laguna Seca Mustang Dude It's a great fucking car The Laguna Seca Mustang Is like the They had the 302 Boss Which is a really good version of

the mustang as well it's like 420 ish somewhere around horsepower and it's a great handling car and then they took it to the next level with this laguna seca mustang it's like 40 grand 40 grand it beats an m3 around a fucking racetrack it's incredible wow i mean it's yeah it's chintzy inside a little bit this is like plastic shit here and plastic shit there, but seats feel good, sounds great, massive balls. You know, as far as like a car, be honest with that. What are you driving that car for? You're driving that car for the fun of it. Like that's the fun, to hear the rumble of the engine, to feel the acceleration when you stomp on the gas,

or shift your gears, have a good time. What do you give a fuck what it looks like? You know, that's not what this car's about. No, I'm not about the valet parking. I'm about the 405 at 2 in the morning when it's why I'm coming back from the ice house and it's fucking late. Going up Laurel Canyon on the way to the Improv.

Coming over down to Melrose. You're right. You can have fun. Pulling up to a red light in Beverly Hills and there's some young Asian boy in the next car and you eyeball him and... What's that? Why does he have to be Asian?

Why does he have to be Asian? Why does he have to be Asian? Why can't he be a black guy? That's got weird. Pull up that Laguna Seca Mustang. I don't think they're making this anymore. I think this, you can probably still find

some of them that are on lots that they haven't sold yet because they got a new... What about the Shelby? Oh, that's a ridiculous car. I had one of those. That's right. I had a GT500.

That's right. Convertible GT500. That's right. Convertible. The problem with the convertible, though, is it feels like you could die. Yeah. At any moment, there's nothing above your head. Look at that car. Oh. That car is, I believe, somewhere around 420 horsepower and unbelievably fast.

That's a Laguna? Yeah, and it's like 40 grand. And those wheels are standard with it? Yeah, that's what it looks like. Yeah. It's a fun fucking car, man. I could be a man again. You could be a man again, Gregory.

I remember what it was like. I had hair. But it's fun. You don't need the hair. No. It's not coming back. You don't need the hair. Shave the rest of it.

Be a light bulb. But be a light bulb in a fucking fun car that you enjoy. Yeah. Maybe you could take to wearing crazy sunglasses like Elton John did. Or maybe I wear the wigs like- Phil Spector? Like Phil Spector. Imagine if we started doing that.

You and I just started wearing wigs at all of our shows and never addressing it. Never address it. No, never. No jokes about it. Nope. People ask questions. You act like there's nothing weird. I don't know what you're saying.

Just everywhere you go, it's like every day it's different. Not only that, sometimes we wear bald caps with hair on the side like Bozo the Clown. Mohawks one day. Sometimes it's an afro. Never bring it up. Trade them out with each other. Sometimes it's like Farrah Fawcett. Like Farrah Fawcett in the 70s.

You got little curls and shit. Mullets. Mullets. All kinds. W got like little curls and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Mullets. Yeah, mullets. All kinds. Wigs just never work for guys. I used to date a chick who had a shaved head. She shaved her head. It was a long time ago.

It was like early 90s. She shaved her head and wore wigs. She was from another country. She was a singer. She was just very eccentric. Yeah. But she would fucking rock a different wig. And sometimes she would show up at the comedy store,

and I wouldn't even know it was her. I was like, oh, hey. This is when I first moved to L.A., so I didn't really know how wacky people got. I hadn't been around that many wacky folks. This chick was someone who came to Hollywood with the sincere purpose of becoming even wackier. And famous.

Yeah. Didn't work out. Just a talented chick, but crazy. She wore wigs. There's the... That's Eddie Bravo spanking me. I can't tell if he's hitting me in the head or the ass. You look like Bruce Willis.

I think he's getting both, the ass and the head. Crack, crack. Crack, crack. The UG. That's the crack. Boy, I got it. The UG. That's the underground. Yeah, people wore wigs. I mean, you think about like the Borscht Belt comics, you know, like Freddie Roman and these guys.

They slap that little glue, slap that shit on, head to the gig. Throw on the tuxedo. Put on a nice ass piece. And then during the day, nothing. They're working out, bald headed. They didn't work out. No, at the Friars, some of these guys worked out because they had heart attacks. Yeah, they had a Stairmaster.

I think it had an ashtray on the side of it. But you're talking about late in their life. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm talking about when they were touring the Catskills. There was no working out, but there were wigs. There were wigs.

Hell yeah. Nice little glue around the top, right around the hairline there. Imagine what a pain in the ass that would be. Did you see the photos of Mickey Rourke with a wig? No. They wore wigs. Hell yeah. Nice little glue around the top, right around the hairline there. Imagine what a pain in the ass that would be. Did you see the photos of Mickey Rourke with a wig? No. Oh my God, it's so hilarious. Mickey Rourke wears a hairpiece now. And it's the most ridiculous hairpiece of all time.

And he was wearing it in New York. And they got these photos of him. It's so crazy. It's almost like, is he being silly? Is he trolling? But then you see him when he was on the Jimmy Kimmel show. He had the hairpiece quaffed and it looked pretty good. But it's crazy.

He's like 60-something years old. Just shave your fucking head, man. It would be funny to do a one-hour special. Look at this. Look at his hair. Oh, dear God. Dear God. It looks like a shower cap.

Yeah, and this is not even the worst photo. There's even worse photos of it. It's dreaded. It doesn't make any... Because it's coming out of nowhere. It's a wig. And it doesn't match the hair that's underneath. Well, it's always the side hair by their ears.

Yeah, right. When you see little flimsy side hair by their ear, but then the top is this fucking lush mane. It doesn't make any sense. I think for my next one hour special, I'm going to shave my head and get a silly wig and just wear it. Why not? Why not? How about a big red one? Like a big carrot top style. What is that?

Is that a different wig? That's a different one. I think he's having fun. Look at the guy in the right hand corner. He's jealous. It's like Mel Gibson. I wish I had that wig. That wig is beautiful, Mickey. Let me tell you. Mickey, I had that wig. That wig is beautiful, Mickey. Let me tell you. Mickey, God is my witness. That wig looks so real.

That is so realistic. No one knows. If they tell you they know, they're fucking assholes. Did you go to Irving in the Bronx? Where did you get that piece? My piece, I look like there's a skunk asleep on my head. But there's other ones of the gray one. That's the brown one.

He's got a gray one. The gray one's the most ridiculous. It's like, wait a minute. What what's going on here how did you get all that gray hair like look at it there's that's a good one it's so crazy plus he's had work on his face right his forehead got pumped up maybe it looks better now than it looked in the past quite honestly he used to have chin or cheek implants. Yeah. And when The Fighter, you really saw it. Oh, yeah? Yeah, his face was kind of fucked up. Is that the movie with... When he was a professional wrestler, like past his prime?

Oh, The Wrestler. The Wrestler. The Fighter was the Marky Mark movie. Right. Yeah. But that... He actually, his face looks at least like a normal older guy now. There was one point in time where he had these crazy cheek implants put in his face.

Yeah. His whole face was just puffy. It looked like he got stung by bees. See if you can find those pictures. Mickey Rourke cheek implants. How many people watch this as they're listening to the podcast? Less. Way less. Like it's 90% of them just listen. Right. But a lot of times folks

will say something like this. They'll write it down. And then they'll tweet me or something later like what the fuck i just saw mickey royce hair yeah thanks a lot dick now i can't sleep but the uh like i hear you guys talking about and i had a look but he um it's like a that's something that happens to a lot of those people that are like they're sort of like separated from rational thinking they get this body dysmorphia thing going on yeah there's been pictures of them like there's like that's post uh face stretching oh man but there's ones like the the one that you just crossed over brian the one with the red shirt a little lower than that that's yeah right there that looks like he's got the cheek

implants in place. Look how good looking he was when he was young. You remember that? What was it? Pope of Greenwich Village? Shiner. That was like nine and a half weeks ago. Yeah. Oh, man.

Yeah. You can't, but like that thing that happens when you pull your face back like that, you can't do that. Like, that's not better. Nope. That's not better. That's horrible. Because everyone knows you did it.

You look like a burn victim. You look weird. you're shiny your face is all stretched out and it shows that you care way too much like it's not getting better right it's just getting different it's it's like you're screaming i can't handle that i'm getting older i'm panicking like there's some shit that you could do that actually does make you look better like i guess if you have a ridiculous nose and you get that bitch trimmed down you're happy with it good for you look better. Like, I guess, if you have a ridiculous nose and you get that bitch trimmed down and you're happy with it,

good for you. But that's a slippery slope, man. You don't see big noses like you used to. Very rare. Nope. Nobody keeps them. Especially for gals.

A lot of 17th birthday presents. When I was in high school, a girl did it. Turned, changed her fucking look so radically, but she kind of overdid it. Like, she had this she the poor girl was a beautiful girl with a crazy nose and she got her crazy nose trimmed down and she looked beautiful but the nose had like that ski slope

thing going on and that little smashed front is a little bit of a flat part in the middle of it they went too hard yeah like they needed to just leave on just like a millimeter more. Let it be a little bit big. A little bit. Nothing wrong with that. Yeah. It matched her face better. Yeah.

But it was like obvious that something was going on. Like if you're looking at her face, you couldn't help but notice that something went on with her nose. Yeah. And then a lot of times those things collapse. Like they don't do it. Oh, is that right? And they have to build them back up. Oh, shit.

And when they do that, then you can run into complications. Yeah. Sometimes they have to use a piece of your cartilage from your rib to recreate the cartilage inside your nose.

God, I wonder how many nose jobs that you could find out. There's got to be a number of nose jobs that are performed every year and you could figure out what percentage of the population. That's Bruce Jenner

before he became a woman, though. Yeah. He's different now. Yeah, that's right. He grew up in my town, Bruce Jenner, Towery Town woman, though. Yeah. He's different now. Yeah, that's right. He grew up in my town, Bruce Jenner, Towery Town, New York. He's got long nails now.

Yeah. Long manicured nails. No, there was some talk about him being pre-op, that he might go for it. Yeah, it looks like he's going for it. Yeah.

If I had to guess, I mean, I don't like to gossip. Yes, I do. I don't like to gossip too much about someone that looks like they're troubled, but he looks like he's troubled. It doesn't look like he's going for a look.

It looks like something's going on. What's going on? He's living with the Kardashians. That's obviously terrible for you. Yeah. That's got to be toxic. I'd rather live in Chernobyl than live in that house and try to keep my sanity. With cameras on.

So you can't even be bitchy to them. Yeah. I think if I lived in Chernobyl, I could wear some sort of suit that would protect me. There's not a suit that protects you from dopes. Like if you're in the house with those dummies. Your skin would look better too if you lived in Chernobyl than his does. But not only that, the strategy of just constantly seeking attention. Like there's, okay, that's weird.

Wow. That's weird. Is that's that's not photoshopped nope no no that's not just a guy who's kind of out of shape who's older no that's that's weird and there's another one recently where they shows his nails like it shows like he has long nails also no matter how no matter what you started with once you've gotten the third facial surgery it all ends at Michael Jackson. It can. He looks like Michael Jackson in that picture.

Well, body dysmorphia is real shit, man. You know, it's real shit. Like, there's his nails. That's not that long, though. Mine's about that long sometimes. No, they're not. Please, unless you're a pink or you're doing a little rocks. No, I've seen them longer than that.

Yeah. Either way, the guy looks like he's troubled. There's a guy, you know, you think about famous people that are kind of enigmas like he didn't do anything except the 76 olympics he won the decathlon he is a you know before the kardashians people in america knew bruce jenner the only thing he did was a wheaties box and the decathlon that's crazy that was fucking 40 years ago it's crazy yeah that's when you put it that way yeah you're right and then you got people that like john larroquette he could walk into a fucking mall and nobody would know who the dude was true but the only reason why he's still like the only reason why he's still famous is because of the kardashians

but that's a fact but prior to that he was in the national consciousness. People who knew who Bruce Jenner was. Maybe as a subject. Right. Maybe as a name, but not as someone you recognize. Yeah. I don't think you would recognize him. Yeah.

I think his resurgence is entirely based on living with all these attention whores. Yeah. It's all about that. The 70s had those kind of stars. You had Evel Knievel, who, you know,

there had never been a stuntman before. That's true. He was the first. He was like, you know, what Bob Marley is to reggae. Like, he's the only reggae guy anybody ever gave a fuck about or ever will. Jimmy Cliff. Yeah, he was in the band, though. That's true.

But basically, now you got Jackass and all those guys. So that's the first time there's been stunt people since. Jackass and all those guys. So that's the first time there's been stunt people since. And then you had certain comics that were famous from the 70s that were just weird. Like, what's his name? Tiptoe Through the Tiny Tim was famous as shit. Still famous.

People still know who Tiny Tim is. That's true. But that was Letterman, right? Was it? I think so. Yeah. I think being on the Letterman show. I think they got married on the letterman show didn't they like in vegas him and whatever her name was miss miss something wow wow yeah hmm yeah interesting man it's it's weird how fame you can't predict who's gonna last with fame um You know, like, of the Charlie's Angels,

you didn't know Farrah was going to, I guess you kind of knew Farrah was going to be the one. Yeah, but you thought the other ones would be pretty big, too. Yeah, Jacqueline Smith. I mean, all she did was hair shampoo commercials for the rest of her life. She was hot as fuck. Hot as fuck.

My kid is watching Charlie's Angels reruns right now. I watched one yesterday. Try pulling yourself away. I could stare at those chicks all fucking day. But it's also weird that you're, it's kind of like when you watch a show like that, it's not just that, oh, you know, Jacqueline Smith's pretty. But it's also like this is a time capsule. Yeah. Like this is, they've captured this stuff that went on in the 1970s and you watch it again.

Right. That's weird, man. That's a weird feeling. And their outfits. I mean, talk about the bootleg jeans. They were wearing the 70s. They encapsulated 70s fashion. Yeah, no shit, man.

You know, like denim vests and the feathered hair. And they probably, in a big part, were one of the reasons why it became so popular, right? Why the fashion did? Yeah. Oh, I'm sure. Like you see it on those shows. I'm sure. Like I guarantee you that Dukes of Hazzard probably influenced a lot of idiots to wear cowboy boots. Daisy Dukes. Definitely. Oh, Daisy Dukes.

Daisy Dukes for sure. Without a doubt, right? Launched that. Dude, she might have been the hottest chick ever on TV. Ever. Chrissy. Right. Who? Chrissy from fucking Three's Company? Yeah. Daisy Duke? No. How dare you? Oh, I would take Chrissy over to Daisy Duk Three's Company Yeah Daisy Duke No How dare you Oh I would take Chrissy

Over to Daisy Duke Cause you're broken Cause your insides Are rotting You have to go to a doctor I keep telling you Go to a doctor Chrissy's hot

But she's not as hot As Daisy Duke You know who's pretty hot Even though she's She's older She's older So you can't compare them Don't you go for an old

Pick of Catherine Bach You fuck I know what you're gonna do But um The chick from Modern Family, the Latino woman? Oh, she's ridiculously hot. She's hot.

Older? Dude, I'll take it. Yeah. She's only 40. I mean, but she looks like she's 30. And her tits still look like, I don't know, you can't fake it. They have their just,

it's something about cleavage. You can push it up, but she doesn't push it up where it's straining. Right. There's a little bit of bounce. A little bit of bounce. A little jiggle,

but yet there's pie. They're pie-shaped. They're perfectly round. She's stupidining. Right. There's a little bit of bounce. A little bit of bounce. A little jiggle. But yet there's pie. They're pie-shaped. They're perfectly round. She's stupid hot. Tan. And that accent puts it right over the top. She's stupid hot

and there's this element of knowing that this is not going to last. Yeah. Like what you are is you're looking at a flower that's been cut and you're putting it in the vase

and it's just like something even extra beautiful about the fact that it's not even attached to the root anymore. You got a day to look at it like this. This is it. Tomorrow's going to be wilted. The day after that, you're going to want to throw it out. She's the Hunter Thomas of hot.

Yeah. Thompson. What did I say? Thomas. Jesus Christ. There you go. Okay, you know, both of them are hot. But Daisy Duke's dirtier. I don't know. Chrissy's bending over like, fuck me in the asshole. But I'll tell you what, like of them are hot. Yeah. But Daisy Duke's dirtier. I don't know. Chrissy's bending over like, fuck me in the asshole. But I'll tell you what, like, who's done a better job of keeping it together?

Well, both of them kind of failed. Oh, no, are you kidding me? She did the exercise videos. She kept it tight. For a little bit. She kept it tight. Jacqueline Smith still doing shampoo commercials. That's not Jacqueline Smith, though.

That's Daisy Duke. That's Katherine Bach. She looks like her. God, she's That's not Jacqueline Smith though. That's Daisy Duke. That's Catherine Bach. God, she's hot. Nobody worked out though. By the way, Farrah's nipples were permanently erect on that show.

They probably iced them up before every scene. I bet they did. I bet they did. Because guys would get pumped up. Guys would do push-ups and stuff before scenes

to pump up their muscles. Yeah. I guarantee they did that. Yeah, they went for it. Fuck yeah. Yeah. That was everything. Yeah, they went for it. Fuck yeah. Yeah. That was everything. That was what you were selling.

If you were selling cars, would you leave them dirty or would you polish them? You got to polish the car. You got to polish the car. You're selling cars. You're selling tits. What are you doing?

Get that ice cube out, honey. Yeah. Turn the headlights on. This is what we sell. Sell, sell, sell. They're not watching it for the story. Nobody's watching it for the story. That's a...

When she died, man, that was one of those things where it's like, wow. Wow. Farrah Fawcett's dead. That was just hard to wrap my head around because when I was a kid, she was it. It was it.

Everybody had a Farrah Fawcett poster on their wall. Every girl did. And it was that one poster of her smiling and she had the feathered hair and everything like that. She influenced a whole generation to wear that hair. smiling and she had the feathered hair and everything like that like she influenced a whole generation to wear that hair it's got to be the quintessential poster in in america of all time probably one of the most famous posters ever yeah yeah yeah that's it right there look at her unreal and the nipple you can't see that's not high def so you can't see the nipple but the nipple is very proudly displayed in this poster yeah many of the photos have the nipple rocking. She was so pretty.

Yeah. She was like one of the first television bombshell types, right? Yeah, I mean. My favorite was, you know what? I take it back. My favorite was Wonder Woman. Old Wonder Woman. Oh, Linda Carter.

Yeah. Dude. Linda Carter's tough to look at now. Is she? Yeah. Not that she looks ugly. Linda Carter was insane. There you go insane

yeah linda carter i mean she doesn't look terrible but she's an older woman now it's just when you remember how beautiful she was when she was a wonder woman i wish they would die no i don't want to see it ruins it you it. You know what's fucked, though, man? It's weird when you go back and watch Batman or any of those old school superheroes. No one worked out. No one worked out. Adam West had a belly. Yeah. You look at Catherine Bach there.

She didn't work out. Look at her legs. They're all mushy and shit. Everybody was all mushy and sloppy. They were good for a couple decades. John Wayne. That guy. Beer belly and shit. You kidding me? With little skinny arms? decades. John Wayne. Oh. Look at that guy. Beer belly and shit.

Shitting me? With little skinny arms? One to one. Look at that. Look at that butt. Look at the gap. Look at the vaginal gap. Look at the gap.

That's so popular right now. Look at the legs. The size of her thighs. Dude, her fucking body. That is an alpha. She was an athlete. She was an Olympic athlete, I believe. Oh my God.

She was hot. What a face. Those eyes. Let's all agree. She's the hottest. She is. Yeah, I think she is the hottest. Linda Carter was the hottest. That's a booty. Oh, wait God. She is hot. What a face. Those eyes. Let's all agree. She's the hottest. She is. Yeah, I think she is the hottest. Linda Carter was the hottest.

She's the hottest. Oh, wait a minute. We're forgetting a major contender. Who? Barbara Eden, I Dream of Jeannie. She wins. She wins. She wins.

Yeah. She wins. And she's subservient. She'll do what you want. She was beautiful. She was. Yeah. Yeah, there was a comic on Long Island that fucked her.

Yeah? Yeah. Late in life, though, right? Late in life, but she was still hot. But he can say he did it. She was still. She was. Yeah. Yeah, there was a comic on Long Island that fucked her. Yeah? Yeah. Late in life, though, right? Late in life, but she was still hot. But he can say he did it. She was still hot, apparently. Doesn't matter how old she was. But she would, like, you know, fucking find a guy, pick him out, and go, come on.

Let's do this. Yeah? Yeah. Well, she knew she could. You know, she was goddamn Barbara Eaton. I know somebody who had sex with Farrah late in life. I should say allegedly. Yes.

For all this. I know somebody who allegedly had. No, I know somebody who definitely had sex with Farrah late in life. I should say allegedly. Yes. I know somebody who allegedly had... No, I know somebody who definitely had sex with Farrah late in life. Real late. Hospital bed? Like... Actually, I should say Wonder Woman.

I don't think I like this girl as much as her. That's a horrible pose. Yeah, let's find another one. Let's find another one. Because Wonder Woman, you could find a bad one too, I'm sure. Oh, yeah. But you found a good one.

You know who also turned me on, but she wasn't... Like, a. But you found a good one. You know who also turned me on, but she wasn't, like, a few years before she died, who was not bombshell hot, but stole my heart, was Valerie Bertinelli. One day at a time.

I can't talk to you anymore. Really? Yeah, you've become a different person to me now. No shit. I don't trust your judgment. Just like that? I mean, because you did

a moment ago. No. Now I'm like, Greg's drunk. Something wrong. All right, look at that back. Come on, she married Eddie Van Halen. How bad could she be? That little tiny amount of back fat is like,

ew, ew, she's not perfect. She's no Wonder Woman. She didn't even work out, man. They didn't work out back then. There's got to be a better picture of her. But Wonder Woman, I'm sure, had a little bit of, I don't mind a little bit of body fat. I think it's hot.

I like women to have a little softness to them. I love Kim Kardashian. I mean, I don't like her little bit of body fat. I think it's hot. I like women to have a little softness to them. I love Kim Kardashian. I mean, I don't like her person or her soul, but I love that body type. Yeah, her body's fantastic. Yeah. Whether her ass is fat or real or is real fat, whatever it is. It's ridiculous. Yeah.

If you don't get excited about that, your dick's not working right. No, you're a closeted homosexual if that's not working for you. Oh, your dick's just sad. Yeah. His dick doesn't want full pleasure. Dick's like, no, I just want a skinny girl who cuts me with her hips. Like a guy who buys a Prius when he wants a Mustang? Get a Mustang.

Or get this Challenger. Now, if I'm going to do it, it's going to be the Mustang. Why is that? Because I had a fetish for Mustangs as a kid. I still do. And the fact that it's the 40th anniversary is kind of, 50th anniversary, it's going to be the Mustang. Why is that? Because I had a fetish for Mustangs as a kid. I still do. And the fact that it's the 40th anniversary is kind of 50th anniversary. It's pretty cool. Well, the new one's going to have independent rear suspension, which is

going to make a big difference in the way it handles. That's the 2015s? Yeah. They'll be out pretty soon. I think they're out in the fall, which is basically right here. God, she was so hot. Whoa. Oh, she was so hot. It was ridiculous. Yeah, Linda Carter might have been the hottest Woman of all time Wow

She might win She might win Yeah Bitch was hot Oh wait a minute What's that Whoa Who the fuck is that

I don't know Who is that She wins Is that the one From Modern Family Oh god she wins She wins now She wins

Everybody wins Everybody wins There's women That are listening To this right now like, fuck you. We talked about Jim Morrison being hot. We talked about Joey Lawrence being hot.

Yeah, he was beautiful. We did a lot for the ladies on this show. Especially since we don't feel it. We assume that he's hot. I see how you would be attracted to him. No, no, I totally felt your energy when he came on so I understood that he was hot. Riders on the star.

Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom. What about Janet Jackson, early 90s? No. Like, Playboy cover, black and white? I was never into that. No. I always found her to be so, like, needy. A-racial. I need a race. Pick a race. Well, I just, I just, when someone is, like, a

pop superstar, when they're forcing them down your throat they never seem sexy to me they always seem like oh here's this crazy person like right like uh what's her name um uh miley cyrus yeah it's like oh they want you to think she's hot now but you know who was britney spears was a child star and they forced her on and she was fucking hot yeah but she was hot in a way that like like if i saw a bunch of peacocks and there was a female peacock that was an exceptional specimen i was like wow that's a beautiful peacock yeah it's like that it's like to me hot i mean i yes physically yeah undeniable shape and all that very beautiful but right no no nothing's pulling

me towards that everything's pushing me away from that yeah that's she's damaged that's madness it's craziness like that has to be part of the picture it has to be who's the person like can you interact with the person it can't just be the way they look the way they look is great i mean it's important it's it's something gives you a charge but if you know that their personality is all out of whack like you're like oh it's just too but i want them a little out of whack the thing that attracted me as a as an insecure guy when i was single was a woman i got i saw the end i saw the dead dead left or you know she's got she's got like a unibrow you find i would find that one thing and i'll be like

i got a shot that would make me so much more attracted if a girl was perfect i felt nothing and it wasn't even that i didn't think i could get her it just made me feel like too much work well also like somebody who's a little fucked up they're gonna you're gonna fucking connect with them there's gonna be a charge between you because you both need something bad to complete yourself that's a good point. Yeah, I definitely felt that way. Girls had really good relationships with their family. Oh, I know!

Girls want you to go hang out with their parents on the weekend. Yeah, not really. No. Especially if you couldn't relate. I want a girl who needs help finding her father. Who's that? Nicki Minaj's new video. Did you see that?

This is the one that fucking Jamie keeps going on and on about I won't stop talking about it it's so much but yeah and it's like there's parts where she's fingering herself in in the video what a good kid I love that my kids see this shit she's well her ass is ridiculous yeah they're all ass everybody's got ass if you look at Miley Cyrus's Twitter avatar that she Twitter avatar, she put her own version of her album cover on it. And it looks like she has a great ass, too. But that's an illusion. They photoshopped the shit out of that.

That girl weighs 18 pounds. She's a little stick figure. Yeah. She's very boy-like with her body. Like, when that thing came out in the Video Music Awards and she danced around and rubbed up against that guy, you could see she's very guy-like or skinny. She's a skinny girl nicki she's athletic it's not supple yes that girl is just a fuck house

you look at her and you're like whoa i mean that's just fucking just come that's just. She's backed up like a camel. Yeah. All the loads have been shot in her. Yeah. Plumped it up. It's cocked. She's all sex.

It's all sex. Her ass has been cocked with cum. Yeah, like some girls, they have to do something to look sexy. When a girl's built like that, it's like, Jesus. And then on top of that, she's doing all the sexy shit, sticking her ass up in the air. But Jennifer Lopez was like that in her prime like, Jesus. And then on top of that, she's doing all the sexy shit, sticking her ass up in the air. But Jennifer Lopez was like that in her prime. Isn't it amazing, though,

when we're talking about like John Wayne and, you know, Batman and all that shit, the difference between how the women are portrayed, the difference between how singers are portrayed,

the music videos, the photographs, all that stuff, and then go back and think about like Carly Simon. Yeah. There was none of that.

Carol King. Janis Joplin. I mean, Janis Joplin wasn't the most attractive woman in the world, but she was funny, man. She didn't like women. There was an interview with Janis Joplin. Is that her? Miley Cyrus? This is Miley Cyrus' version of this.

What? Listen, man. That's Photoshop. That's not her ass. Yeah, that shit ain't real. That's real. I think that's like a meme. No, that is real. No, Nicki Minaj is real, but that That's Photoshop. That's not her ass. Yeah, that shit ain't real. That's real. I think that's like a meme. No, that is real.

No, Nicki Minaj is real, but that's not real. No, that's obviously- The same ass. Yeah, it's exactly the same. It's a Photoshop. Yeah, look. Exactly. See the crease on the top of the thigh is exactly the same, the top left thigh?

Don't ever go to that other one again. This is like a cartoon. You show me a cartoon. What were we talking about? We were talking about- About talking about her ass about how for some women they almost it's like they've extracted the the blueprint in the dna of men of what makes us orgasm and they have just projected it on a body what i know what i was saying was that you never saw this from artists in like the 70s right you never saw this from women that were like super, like Linda Ronstadt.

Beautiful, beautiful woman. When she was young and in her prime, you never saw her in underwear. Well, even Nikki Fleetwood Mac, Stevie Nicks. She was big. She was like the chick from Heart. What? I didn't think she was big. Didn't she get big?

I think she got big, but no. When they were in their prime, she was angelic, but she was wearing flowing shit she was never showing her body well was a woman from heart big in the beginning or did she get big she ann wilson she started small and then she got bigger there's ann and nancy wilson one of them married uh uh the famous director the guy who did um dazed and confused who's? I don't remember. That's the blonde one who was always there. The blonde one, yeah. Yeah. But she, Ann Wilson could sing her fucking ass off.

Hell yeah. No, Carney Wilson was a different one. That was Wilson Phillips. That was a different animal. Totally different animal. She got big tits. She looked like a Carney. Yeah, it was like Carney had like her sister was like super skinny and she was like really big and it was like baffling.

Didn't she do like a talk show for a while? Well, I think she was, wasn't she the daughter of the mamas and the papas? Yes. Can't be a good time. No. Can't be a good guy growing up in that fucking crazy household. No. But that fucking Ann Wilson from Heart.

Yeah. What a voice. She lost all that weight. Good for her. That's what happened, right? She lost all the weight and then she did a talk show or something like that. What a voice. She lost all that weight. Good for her. That's what happened, right? She lost all the weight and then she did a talk show or something like that? Is that Nancy or Ann? That's the big one.

That's Carney. Oh, that's Carney. Okay. Yeah. Good for her. Did she have to get a stomach thing? Yeah, I think so. That's a weird thing, man.

You know, I was talking to a friend who had that done. She had it done done 20 years ago. She was saying that it's not just that. That does make you lose weight, but to keep it off, you've got to go to counseling. Whatever it is that made you overeat like that, you've got to address that. You've got to get on top of that. I know a guy who's been drinking hard his whole life. He just went to get a shot to stop drinking.

It's like, you know, that may make you averse to alcohol. Your body's going to go find something else. You've got to deal with why you're drinking. A shot to stop drinking? Yeah. I didn't even know they had that. What does it do to you? All I know is he said he was going to his appointment to get it.

Famous guy. He's like peppermint snot. I should start saying these famous names. Should start or shouldn't? Yeah, I should start saying these famous names. Should start or shouldn't? Yeah, I should start saying all these names. Unless they,

but you, would you want anybody saying your story? In this case, no, probably right. I'm the opposite of a name dropper.

That's a sad thing, man. That's a sad thing, that fucking monster that eats at your soul that you can't let go that's killing you. And the longer you do it,

the harder it gets because the more you think that it's really part of you, you and quitting something i can tell you firsthand it's the most freeing empowering thing in the world because you think this thing that was sapping your energy that you believe was built in your foundation you get freed of it and you all of a sudden like you take a giant chunk of low self-esteem and just lop it off. Yeah, I've met a bunch of dudes that used to be junkies and now are super hyper-athletes. A lot of competitive guys in the UFC even. There's a few guys in the UFC that were junkies.

Matt Brown, one of the top welterweight contenders, part of his whole story is he died. He had an overdose and fucking died and came back from it. They revived him and now he's a monster. Wow. He just destroys people. He's like one of the top guys in the world. Alice Cooper's like a pro golfer now. Is he really?

Yeah. He plays that good? Yeah. Wow. He doesn't live in Arizona? Arizona. Yeah. He plays at the Biltmore Hotel in Phoenix.

There's a famous course there he plays. That's hilarious. What does he do with his time? Just plays golf? course there he plays that's hilarious what does he do with his time just plays golf i did a benefit there with uh with uh gary valentine and uh he came out and he played schools out for summer and 18 all his hit songs with the full makeup on the whole thing in this fucking for a charity for like 200 people did it full-on gave a hundred percent. And then hung out and talked to people afterwards and then played in the golf tournament all weekend.

Took off his makeup, though. Yeah. He's like a conservative, isn't he? Yes. Isn't that interesting? Well, I don't think you could live in that part of the world if you weren't. You can't. Yeah, Scottsdale, like that Phoenix, Scottsdale era.

Yeah, that's hardcore. Cocaine and conservatism. Sheriff Joe. Yeah, that's Gerald Arpaio's. Yeah, that's like fear of Mex that's hardcore cocaine and conservatism. Sheriff Joe. Yeah. That's Gerald Pios. Yeah. That's like fear of Mexicans and then cocaine all mixed up together and sunscreen.

So you get the cocaine from the Mexican and then you get afraid of them. And then you get sunscreen, just fucking seeping those chemicals into your skin in some sort of a weird way. Then you take a Xanax, then you lay by the pool. Whack those fucking balls around the grass that should not be there, by the way.

Especially in a place that has a massive drought. Right, right. Massive drought. There's no fucking water, and you're talking about a three-square-mile piece of real estate. And you're just constantly watering it. So that a hundred people can entertain themselves for four hours. Yeah, when people go, like,

why does a golf course cost $250 million a year run? It does. I mean, not that much. But, like, if you get a membership in a prime country club, like, you have to pay, like, $100,000, $200,000 for some of those places. Yeah. They don't want any riffraff. They want to make sure you get some money. And what they do is, the reason they can afford it is because they call it undeveloped parkland.

And so the environmental standards call for them in every city. And so they're able to get a full write-off because they call it basically like wild land. What? Yep. Meanwhile, there's seeping fertilizer and chemicals into the groundwater every day. I can't believe that's how they call it. Yep. Undeveloped parkland right it's just

white people paradise that's all it is yeah and when they buy these big memberships they yeah there's like a bond and and yeah they're like half a million donald trump's got courses where i bet you it's like a million dollars a million dollars but you're splitting ownership of the club with the other maybe 200 members so maybe it's not a million, half a million. Wow. But then you can sell that bond when you leave, and it could be worth more money. That's hilarious.

But it keeps the club from ever being sold because think about it. Riviera Country Club in fucking Brentwood. Do you know how much money you would make in condos if you put condos on that land? And instead you got 100 white guys playing golf there one day? Do the math on that. no shit right this is one place that i was in the history channel office was talking to them about a show and i was looking out the window at this country club so it must be beverly hills

is there a beverly hills country club yeah i don't know there's a there's a there's like two on the west side that are primo it's the most ridiculous thing ever because you're looking at hundreds of acres in the prime of Beverly Hills. Right. I mean, you're looking out this window and you're like, how much is that worth? Like that spot right out there might be worth billions. Yeah. Might be worth a couple billion dollars. If you think about it, one green is 5,000 square feet.

That's enough to put a house. green is you know 5 000 square feet that's enough to put a house you know what the land on the the land with a teardown house in beverly hills is 1.5 million dollars yeah times that by a green there's maybe that amount of space is for 20 of those on a hole that's 20 million a hole a hole times 18 holes oh my god that's like a half a billion dollars. Oh, my God. And it's right there. It's right there. And it's using up insane amounts of water. There was a, I think it was a Vice article.

I don't know who put it up, but it was about, like, if we really are taking this drought seriously, we need to ban golf courses. Like, everyone's saying don't wash your car. Fuck you. How about golf courses? Like, let's look at what a golf course is like the what you're talking about is insane you're using up more there's some fucking statistic like they i'll pull it up um uh ban golf calls of course that better comes up they there's some statistic about what the amount of just in california alone california and florida are like the number one spots for

golf courses in arizona arizona right there too but uh it's it's incredible china has a golf course ban i saw a an article about how many of those courses because they over expanded when got when tiger woods came along golf got so, they were building courses everywhere. And then when he got caught with the Waffle House waitress, it all went away. And there are hundreds of courses around the country. And they just showed photos. Weeds, chest-high weeds growing all over the entire course. They're just abandoned.

Wow. It is a Vice article. And it said instead of killing lawns, we should be banning golf because they're telling people not to water their lawn. Yeah, it's Vice. Yeah, this is what they're saying. This is the statistics because it's pretty fucking crazy. The average golf course uses 312,000 gallons of water. How often?

A day? It doesn't say. Hold on. A family of four. Okay, the average American family of four uses, oh, per day. Ready for this? Yeah, per day. The average American family of four uses 400 gallons of water a day.

The average golf course uses 312,000 gallons of water a day. Damn. Okay, so each golf course uses as much water as 780 families of four. In Palm Springs, immediately adjacent to a place called the Palm Desert, NPR reported that each of the city's 57 courses uses about a million gallons a day. A million gallons a day. And again, you go back to the numbers of people that are actually using it. Yeah, it's insane.

It's minute so it's the same amount of water as 2 500 families of four every one in palm springs because palm springs is not a spring it's a fucking desert it's got to get the water from the california or from the colorado river we steal it from them and that's the reason why that whole salt and sea exists you know the salt and sea which is this gigantic inland sea that is in um the the areas near the palm desert why is it a sea well that's what's crazy it was a sea because they flooded the area with the colorado river back in like the 50s or some shit like that a long time ago and there's a bunch of great documentaries on the salt and sea because it's totally polluted now.

It's polluted with farm runoff. Oh. And it became like super salty and people still pull fish out of it and eat it. And people still live there. But it was at one point in time, they used to call it the Inland Riviera. Like it was beautiful. Like pull up the Salton Sea, the Inland Riviera. There's some videos where

did you say nevada no no it's it's california oh dude it's it's a huge inland sea it's enormous wow and if you saw it you'd be like what the fuck is this so that's all that farm country up there so it's all just draining it's all coming down to palm springs and it's so fucked up that there's beaches on the salton Sea that are all bones. It's not sand. It's fish bones. Wow. Well, they have these die-offs.

These fish die-offs of like a million fish will die off. I mean, this is what it looks like now. But look at it. This is the Salton Sea. This is an inland lake. They created that. Mm-hmm. It's huge.

Yeah, let it play a little bit. Like this. Hear this. I like the music. It's called the Yeah, let it play a little bit. Like this. Hear this. I like the music. It's called the Salton Sea. It's the largest body of water in California, and it's not even supposed to be there. At the turn of the last century,

an engineering screw-up of epic proportions diverted the Colorado River into one of the lowest, hottest land basins in the United States. It took two years to stem the tide, and when the flooding finally stopped, 350 square miles of desert lay underwater. Everyone assumed the giant inland sea they had created by accident would just dry up, but when it didn't, real estate developers tried to turn an ecological disaster into an opportunity. has tried to turn an ecological disaster into an opportunity.

Here is truly a miracle in the desert. A whole new outlet for the crowded millions in big cities. A palm springs with water. I love guys back then. He's in a boat and he's got a suit and tie on. Today, the Salton Riviera, beside the blue Salton Sea, is the place for you to take charge of your future.

You can come as you are. They call these fish? Enjoy life at the Riviera. For a while, it really did seem like a miracle. Tourists flocked to a place that had once been an unforgiving desert. People bought homes, built schools, restaurants, yacht clubs. But then the sea turned on them. Over the years, its water, fed only by agricultural runoff, became saltier than the ocean. Botulism poisoning killed millions of fish, and massive die-offs during the height of

120-degree summers made the air almost unbreathable. The sea began to flood unpredictably. Tourists fled. Bloom towns turned into ghost towns. Millions of dead fish. Can you imagine the smell? Unbelievable smell. Gridded streets, every one of them named, still waiting for neighborhoods that never arrived.

Beaches made not of shell or sand, but of the pulverized skeletons of uncountable millions of fish. Houses half-tumbled into toxic-looking pits. It's apocalyptic. Where's the Riviera? I go there to catch glimpses of what the world will look like without us. This is what our country's going to look like in a hundred years. I found. to catch glimpses of what the world will look like without us. This is what our country's going to look like in a hundred years.

Greg's going dark, Oz. I just read an article about it today. They're predicting in the next hundred years this galactic drought coming. This drought that's in California is so bad that they're saying that can trigger earthquakes. Oh, no shit.

A drought can trigger earthquakes? Yeah, check this out. Sell, sell, sell. If California's drought weren't scary enough, now it may trigger earthquakes, scientists believe. Well, the drought is spooky. It's been three years. Last year it rained once.

No shit. I don't remember it raining more than once. I mean, it might have drizzled a couple of days. We're supposed to have an El Nino coming through this year, and now they're saying it's going to be a very light version of it. We needed a full El Nino. Well, we need like a year of days. And we're supposed to have an El Nino coming through this year and now they're saying it's going to be a very light version of it and we needed a full El Nino. Well, we need like a year of rain.

Right. We need like a Seattle year. Well, that last El Nino was like that. Were you here out here in like, was it 98? 92. No.

Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, no. No, it was like 97. And it fucking rained every day for like four months. Well well what scares me is there's spots like death valley that's like right there it's it's on the same state right there what makes death valley death valley i don't understand it i'm not i'm not a geo engineer i don't understand the weather patterns it's the hottest place in the world.

And it's right there. Yeah. Why is it right there? And why are we not worried that right there could be right here? If that shit creeps up north, what keeps it from? Is it the ocean? I don't understand it. What is it that keeps?

Well, there's a lot of spots. How about Ontario? Could that be fucking Death Valley someday? What about Brea? It's pretty goddamn far from the ocean. Can that turn into some horrible wasteland? You're just worried about all your gigs. Exactly.

Brea, Ontario, the improvs. What about Pasadena? So far. Isn't it possible? Yeah. I mean, it seems to me that... Did you see Chinatown, that movie Chinatown? With Mickey Rourke?

No, the original one with Jack Nicholson. Oh, Jack Nicholson. Yeah, I mean, it's just basically about how that's exactly it. L.A. is a dust bowl, and it's one river coming down. If you cut it off, it all goes away. I don't remember that movie we watched except for the fact he got his nose cut. I remember that. Well, it's the movie that most screenwriters call the greatest script ever.

Wow. My house is in that movie. Your house is in that movie? Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, it's cool. It freaked me out when I watched it. Oh, it was in Burbank?

Yeah. The old Burbank. Burbank was a different animal. You ever go to Jerry's Deli in Woodland Hills and you see what the valley used to look like back in the day? Oh, yeah. They have all these 1920 photos and shit. Yeah.

It's big photos of like- It's all farmland and ranches. Farms. Ranches. There's a real issue here and in Texas. They're really worried about it in Texas, too, with drought. There's been no fucking rain, and they don't know what's going to happen. If it continues on this path, literally, there are lakes, not Lake Austin, but Lake Travis in Austin, that is half the size that it used to be.

There's some photos of California lakes that show. See if you can find that. Photos of California lakes that show how bad the drought is. Just Google that. I'm surprised it's not worse. You know, we were just up in Yosemite, and we went rafting, and there was plenty of fucking water. Yeah, that's a good spot.

You know, if you go to the good spots, you're going to be all right. That's why I'm going to go to Canada, actually, September 9th through 11th at the Alberta. I'm plugging my dates. Well, where is it? Where are you going? Alberta, Edmonton.

What's the name of the club up there? Look at the photos. Left and right. Look at left and right. September 9th through 11th. Seems to be all the water. This is only a three years difference, if I remember correctly. Yeah, it is three years difference.

Yeah, holy shit. Look at what it looks like now. I mean, climactic change is supposed to happen over thousands of years, not five. I don't know about that. I don't know if that's necessarily true. Because there have been some radical climactic changes that have happened throughout history that have happened almost instantaneously. Yeah. There was some Discovery Channel show that was talking about these various land masses, these various contours or weird things that you could see on the ground.

And that scientists had – I'm pulling this out of my memory. But scientists had realized that this whole thing had to have occurred like in the course of a small amount of time, like over a couple of days. Yeah. These insane geological features had been created, whether it's through soil samples. I think it was like soil samples. They tested the soil at the top and the soil at the bottom was all the same age, like the carbon dating. I think like the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico was a giant tsunami that settled on top of the land and slowly just fucking dribble down for thousands of years yeah until what was left is uh is you know this uh what's now very lush and but it was underground for for all in one fucking day it went underwater wow that's fucking nuts but that happens it's just we have

such a limited amount of time that we're referring to or that we're referencing when we're looking at climate change we're only looking at a couple of hundred years of accurate reporting yeah you get past then and it's just hearsay and all those things that are in the past that people point to like the stories of climactic change and cataclysmic disasters those were all regional events that happened in some place where someone wrote about it. Mount Vesuvia. Yeah, well, there's that, but there's also like the Epic of Gilgamesh. You want to go way back, which is the same essential story in a lot of ways as the Noah's Ark story. Yeah.

Where there's some giant goddamn flood. You know, there's some shit happens in your area. A fucking big chunk of rock from space slams into the ocean near your town, and everybody dies. Everybody within 100 miles is dead right and then someone writes about that's the thing about the bible most religions are based on these catechism like the last book of the bible the book of revelations was written at the exact same time that mount vesuvius happened and when they talk about fire and brimstone that's what the guy was fucking looking at as he wrote it. So it got written in as like, this is how the world ends.

It's nuts. So the Bible, apparently. Well, you know, they're all based on, it's not how the world ends, it's how the world ends there. If you go to Hawaii, everybody's fine. You know what I'm saying? It's like everybody reports on how fucked it is where they are. But it's supposed to, because you're not supposed to stay.

Like, we get totally married to the idea of one geographic location but if anybody's paying any attention to fucking history what we know about north america is that 10 000 years ago half of it was under a mile high sheet of ice there was no wisconsin wisconsin didn't exist you had to cut through the fucking mile of ice to get to minneapolis i mean you there's no you couldn't get to it it wasn't there so like this idea that that could be a place we're going my family farm's always been here we've been here since we were kids and we're just not moving climate change be gone you know you're talking about like when we were a nomadic civilization and just moved to where the weather was right

that's what people did yeah i mean that's what people have always done and they did it because we didn't have the we have this ridiculous ego now that we can kind of live in any climate. We'll fix it. I got air conditioning. We got our water coming in. Don't worry. I'm not worried about the hot. We have this idea that you could be in a totally inhospitable place, and you could fix it with technology.

And we're right for the most part, but if that technology fails – I had a guy on yesterday, Mike Baker, who's a guy from the CIA. He was the head of... director of operations for the CIA. Now he hosts a show on the Travel Channel. He's talking about how easy it is to break the fucking power grid. That's what people should be worried about. There's not that much power. I mean, there's not that much difficulty shutting down

a grid. And there's only a couple of grids that control the entire country. And if one of those goes down, it takes a long fucking time to come back up. It's happened before. Just in the last couple of years, power grids go down and people are out for days. Yeah, and it could be longer. If something bad happens to a power grid, they could be down for a long time. Water supply, power grid.

The power grid is the big one because power grid keeps people from being able to live in a place that's hot or cold. Yeah. Once it goes down, then you're off on your own like do you really want oh that's what i wanted to bring up there's something i put up josh mcdermott from the walking dead pulled this up and he tweeted it to me and it's on my twitter i retweeted it the craziest fucking story about a guy who lived in maine okay and when he was 20 years old he disappeared and he went into live into the woods never spoke a word to anyone never never interacted with people said hi once to a guy that he found jogging that's all or hiking and lived off the

land stole from people they called them the her hermit of whatever the fuck he was. Did you find it? Yeah. Pull that shit up. So it's like in a small town in Maine, he lived in the woods behind it. Exactly. He lived in the woods and stole from people for 20 years, 20 plus years. It's a crazy story. Would he steal just food?

Batteries, food, clothes, everything he had, he had stolen. And people from this town, he would have been a mystery because no one knew if he was real or not wow so he had been a guy like he'd steal people's candy like there was a guy who remembered that when he was 10 years old someone stole all of his halloween candy and he couldn't believe it and people would think you're crazy like he would steal your propane tanks and he would return like he would replace them with an empty tank and people would be like what the fuck i had a full propane tank he would steal your grill he had like a grill out there and he lived in a tent and he lived in a tent for 27 years in maine imagine those fucking winters he's 47 years old now wow he hasn't talked to anybody and this is the only interaction that

he's ever had with people he's never been sick a day in his life. You think he'll do time? Oh yeah, he'll do time. But it's all misdemeanor charges. Yeah, but it's a thousand of them. They gotta prove them all. Yeah. He's got all the stuff. It's all he has. Right, right. I mean, he's gonna

do time. Yeah. It's how much time he's gonna do. I think they should give the guy a break. He's mentally ill. Fuck him. Lock him up. What do you want him out there fucking robbing your house? But I love the myth. Stealing your candy? It's like Big to do time yeah it's how much time they should give the guy a break he's mentally ill fuck him lock him up what do you want him out there fucking robbing your house but i love the myth it's like bigfoot it's like you there's a rumor that there's a guy that lives in the woods i mean how great is that to be a kid in that town what's incredible that it turned out to be real that's all these people have thought this for so long and everyone was like no that's nuts i think every town should have one guy who

hides and steals shit from you just to keep you honest make sure you're locking your gate at night yeah but this is ridiculous because this guy had tools he had break-in tools he would get into people's houses their alarms would go off and he knew like how to get out of there just in time and so when their alarm would go off he would fucking bail i could see that as being not the a story in a feature film, but like the B story. Yeah, yeah. This is the guy that has to come out of his shell to try to save humanity. Because he finds something the government's doing in the woods.

No one's believing. That guy, he's crazy. You know, he stole my kid's Halloween candy. Meanwhile, he's out there and he's like, I'm telling you, they're plotting something really bad. They haven't talked to people in 27 years. Yeah. I live in a tent. Never been to a doctor.

He never got sick. The kid hits a baseball over the fence and stumbles into him and they strike a relationship. Yeah. And only he understands the man. This guy got busted by a game warden. There was a game warden who knew he was doing this. And so they set up this silent alarm the alarm went off and then this game warden showed up with a flashlight and a gun and

blinded him the flashlight and pointed the gun on him and said get on the ground and then they caught him this this guy was like for all these years he was a myth i just can't imagine getting through those winters in maine unbelievable unbelievable it doesn't get any colder than that it's about wet cold yeah it's about as miserable as you can get on earth without being in alaska i guess like northern alaska because it's on the ocean it's on the on the northern atlantic i bet he stole something like maybe a dog house or he made some no no no no he lived in a tent wow he stole the tent but he lived in a tent he stole something like maybe a dog house or he made some kind of house. No, no, no, no.

He lived in a tent. Wow. He stole the tent, but he lived in a tent. He stole everything he had except his glasses. He had the same glasses that he wore in high school. It's incredible. I mean, the guy was like he had a high school yearbook. He's wearing these glasses.

And then he's like, you know what? I don't like people. Fuck this. He never saw the internet. He's never gotten an email. He's never watched you know what? I don't like people. Fuck this. Hey. He never saw the internet. He's never gotten an email. He's never watched a television show. He hasn't seen anything in 27 years. What do you do?

Read books. All day. Guy read books. Oh, he stole books and read them? Yeah, loved books. Like Tom Clancy books. Stole people's books. Had a stack of books.

Hmm. Yeah. Nuts. What if he broke his glasses? It's hard to steal glasses. Oh my God, yeah. It'd be like that Twilight Zone episode. Yeah, that's with Burgess Meredith. Yeah. Unless he broke his glasses. It's hard to steal glasses. Oh, my God. Yeah. It'd be like that Twilight Zone episode. Yeah, that's with Burgess Meredith.

Yeah. Crazy story, though, man. Wow. Because, you know, you hear about stuff like that, and you're always like, that's bullshit. There's no guys living 27 fucking years in the woods in Maine. But yes, there was. Yeah. Yes, there was.

And we got to find out why. There's a reason why he left and went in the woods. Mental illness, I would imagine. Did you read Into the Wild? Yes. It's kind of like that. It was like something that drove. And it wasn't like an event that made that guy.

He wasn't traumatized. You know, I think his parents had divorced and he took it hard. But basically, he just had a spirit that needed to be away from man. He couldn't handle man. But he didn't like it when he was out there. That's the thing that they talked about a little bit in the movie.

You know, he's like, all this beauty doesn't mean anything if there's no one to share it with. I think that was the quote. But what I didn't like

about the movie is the movie altered the book. In the book, the reality of how the guy died, the reality of how he died is he got injured and he starved to death. Yeah.

And in the book, there was one version of it. And in the movie, they tried to make it that he ate some poisonous plant, that he fucked up and ate the wrong plant and died. No, I remember in the book, they did mention that as a possibility. They didn't say ultimately that's what it was. I think they were pretty sure that he starved to death. Yeah? Yeah. It's not easy to get food, man.

Right. It's not easy. The idea of living off the land is ridiculous. Well, I think he had planned on getting out before winter set in, and he missed the window. And so he got stuck out there. Well, he was only a few miles from people, too. Oh, no shit. Yeah.

I mean, look, that area, like you're in Alaska. Alaska is incredibly remote. But I don't believe he was more than like five or ten miles away from civilization. I think the poor fucking know, poor fucking guy. There was people that could have helped him that were right there. I wonder if there's a tourist spot where the bus was that he was living in. Doesn't he like it had a van or a bus or something? Yeah, it was like a school bus.

Didn't he find it out there or something and move into it or something? Probably. It was like a broken down bus. But that was sad, man, because, look, you can do it like Survivorman's done it, but you got to be fucking prepared. If you want to live in the woods by yourself, man, you better have plenty of food. You better have plenty of ammo if you're going to hunt. You better have some way of stockpiling plants if you're not going to hunt.

You've got to figure out how you're going to eat. You've got to have a serious understanding of nature, you know, what stuff you can eat, what you can't, how to build a fire, how to predict the weather to some degree. It's probably really hard to do, but you should at least be able to survive. There's a bunch of those shows that are about people living in Alaska. There's a bunch of those shows now, but one of the crazy ones is Life Below Zero. alaska there's a bunch of those shows now but one of the crazy ones is life below zero and in life below zero there's a couple of these guys that have cabins and they live out and all they do all day is go out and get food whether it's fishing or hunting they shoot caribou and they hang them and this one guy his name is glenn and he has like this little shack that he's prepared

up there in in alaska and he lives in this little shack and it's by a lake and he has to drill holes in the lake to pull his water out or he takes snow and he melts it down that's the only way he gets no electricity just to fire just a fire and he makes all of his fire um he doesn't use matches because he feels like you could lose your matches so he has this thing like an an old-school Indian thing. He bites down on it. He holds it in a stick, and the stick is attached to these two ropes, or a rope, rather, and a bow,

almost like one of those things you would play fiddle with. And he goes like this. He bites it down, so he holds it in place. He just goes, ju-ju-ju-ju-ju-ju-ju-ju-ju. And then he goes back and forth, and the friction creates sparks, and then he uses that to start up Tinder. That's the only way he makes fire. And this guy's out there just shooting things and eating them.

But the crazy thing is, like, he's happy. Like, he enjoys it. He lives as a hermit for, like, four or five months out of the year, and he does that, and then occasionally he has a family, apparently. Like, he's divorced from his wife, but he has kids. So he goes into town. And he does it during the winter months. Yeah, he does it during the winter months yeah he does it through the winter yeah it's crazy i don't know how much of it is for the show that's a real issue when you watch these goddamn shows you don't know how

much of this they're doing like they said hey would you be willing to live out there through the winter like yeah maybe he only does it during the summer normally but he did in the winter on tv but what's weird is like when i when we stayed inosemite, we had to put all our food in these bear safes that were like reinforced steel. Because any food at all, they're going to come find it. But what do you do when you've got an elk hanging outside of your cabin? He's constantly fighting off grizzlies.

This guy's constantly, he shoots grizzlies. He's constantly fighting them off. They find out about his stash. And when he shoots an animal, he has to be very careful approaching it because if a bear gets to the animal before he does, like, a lot of times you shoot an animal and the animal will run off to die. Like, because they have a lung.

They're full of air, you know, their lungs are. A bullet will go through one lung. The animal runs. It might take 10, 15 minutes for it to die if you don't hit it perfectly. So he has to track the animal. But by the time he gets it and the animal's down, he has to decide if he shoots the animal, like, say, like, if it gets dark at he has to track the animal. But by the time he gets it and the animal's down, he has to decide if he shoots the animal,

like say if it gets dark at 7 and he shoots the animal at 6 and he's tracking it, if he goes too far, he's got to go, I've got to get home before it gets dark because he doesn't have flashlights. He's not using any of that shit. Okay, I've got to leave this animal there. So then he has to go out first light. So he goes out in the morning to find the animal and sometimes something's found it already,

like nocturnal animals. So he might get to his carcass of all of his meat this is what he needs he shot this animal but there's a wolf on it or there's bears on it or something along those lines it's serious shit but that that excitement about being out there like that for this guy's like this giant charge that's what he loves to do he doesn't want to deal with taxes he doesn't want to deal with jobs he doesn't want to deal with taxes. He doesn't want to deal with jobs. He doesn't want to deal with bosses. He's just got this little shack that he built himself, and he can sell skins.

So he can trap animals like lynx and all these different animals and sell their skins and make money. So that's where he gets his money from. And then from that money, he'll buy bullets and guns and things along those lines. And everything else, he's just living off the land. So he lives off the land like for months and months at a time with no contact with people. Doesn't speak to another human being for four months. Well, he's doing it now because he's talking to cameramen, obviously, and producers, I'm sure.

I mean, I'm sure there's people there that are kind of directing him along. That must be weird for him because clearly he doesn't want to be around people. And when you've got a camera crew around you around the clock, you've got no space at all. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, maybe it's only during the day, and then they have specific times where they film. Like, they need to get some nighttime content, or they need to get some content of him. Like, they've got different ones. There's a couple of different guys.

And one guy, he's a hunting guide. His name's Eric. And he's a hunting guide. So he takes people hunting. And then when he's not doing that, then he's a hunting guide. His name's Eric. And he's a hunting guide. So he takes people hunting. And then when he's not doing that, then he has his own spot. But he has a generator. And he has actual electricity. He drives around in 4x4s, those little things, those Polaris things.

And snowmobiles. Actually, snowmobiles is really the way he does it. And that's how he gets around. He uses a snowm snowmobiles is really the way he does it. And that's how he gets around. He uses a snowmobile to travel through the woods and check his trap lines and stuff. So he's like step up from this guy. Like a little, he has a generator, has power, a little bit more technological. But, you know, you go all the way back to that guy and he's not even using matches. You know, these fucking guys, they're loving it.

That's what's crazy. It's like the challenge and the thrill of life changes because they're tuned in that's the what they always talk about like when you're out here it's so exciting because you're tuned in to nature you know like he was he was they're hunting all these different animals and some of them they're hunting for furs and some which i don't like you know when i when i see people hunting shit for furs i'm always like man that's kind of fucked up but when i watch these guys do which i don't like you know when i when i see people hunting shit for furs i'm always like man that's kind of fucked up but when i watch these guys do it i don't it doesn't bother me it doesn't bother me that they're shooting these animals only for their furs because like

this guy doesn't have any other way to get money yeah i mean this is what he's chosen to do and there's a reason why i mean they try to keep the populations of a lot of these animals in check and so they need people like this to do that, but it's just such a weird way of life to watch, and I always watch and go, could I do that? That's why these shows are so popular. These Alaska shows are huge, and they keep making a million of them, but, you know, I could say

on the slightest scale of this, when I go camping, I feel so good. I come back refreshed. i feel like i'm connecting with my family like i never do there's no cell phones we're talking we're doing projects like lighting a fire cooking some food putting the tents up going for a hike and you think you know i always bring a book or some games i never get to that shit your day is full yeah it's a it's a relaxing but invigorating way to spend your time it's weird yeah but i think people need trees i think like being around that stuff like walking

on dirt and being around trees we don't need it obviously but i think there's a certain energy that you get from that environment that's refreshing it feels good yeah i mean every religion talks about it's all the answers are in nature. You know, you read Whitman and Thoreau. It's all about go to wall and pond. Just get off the grid. And that's the only way you can live. And it's like even if it means taking a hike every other day, just get out in nature.

All the answers are there. You ponder the cycles. You see a flower dying and you think about, oh, there's some horse shit that's going to make this grow. And you see a flower dying and you think about, oh, there's some horse shit that's going to make this grow. And you see a bird feeding something. Like you just see how life really works on a base level. And I think it kind of gets you in sync. Yeah. I think what we're doing by creating cities is awesome.

I mean we're stockpiling food. It makes it easy to get around your car. It's nice to be able to visit your friends. You just drive across town. Hey, what's up, everybody? And everybody fucking, it's green light means go be able to visit your friends you just drive across town hey what's up everybody and everybody fucking let's it's green light means go red light means stop you know it's all good we've got a nice system but i think we're missing out on a lot of shit man i think we're missing out on a lot of the feeling that you get from just being a person i think that's one of the reasons

why we're so detached from our the the actions that we're doing as far as polluting, as far as dumping plastic into the ocean. We're so detached from it because in cities, we're only seeing this human-created stuff. But when you see a beer can, you see a beer can in a parking lot, say if you're walking through a parking lot and see a smashed Budweiser can,

it doesn't really freak you out. But when you see a Budweiser can in the woods, it's a real bummer, man. It's a real bummer. I've seen people throw cigarettes out on a parking lot, and it's gross, but it seems normal. But I saw a dude once throw a cigarette out in the woods, and I go, pick that up, man. What the fuck are you doing? We're out here in the woods. It's beautiful out here. And you just lit your cigarette, threw it on the ground, stepped on it. Fuck you. Well, and that's what the ocean is.

It's forever been a dumping ground. I mean, just, I mean, did you hear about the trash continent that disappeared? Disappeared? It disappeared. What do you mean it disappeared? Somebody just told me yesterday that the thing that's been floating out in the ocean that's the size of Australia is no longer there. I don't think it's that big. It's pretty big.

I think it's like Texas size. But it's the Pacific Garbage Patch is what they call it. Right. Gone. Disappeared? Really? Yep. Wow.

I didn't hear that. And you think about it's just too easy to dump shit into the 99% missing. Oh, my God. 99% missing. It's reached the food chain. Oh, my God. 99% missing. It's reached the food chain. Oh, God. Yeah. Ocean patches mysteriously disappearing.

What the fuck? There was a guy who I had on who was a seasteader. He's got this idea of, oh, we're running out of time. But we were talking about this 19-year-old kid who figured out a way to pull plastic out of the ocean, use some sort of a large machine, and he's done it on a small-scale basis. And make skateboards out of it? No. We talked about that.

All right. I think the last time you were here. Okay. Some guy down in Mexico, right? Right, right. He was doing that? No. This was a guy who figured out how to clean up the Pacific garbage patch and reuse that

plastic. Oh, yeah? Yeah, on a small scale. They've shown it like, what's that called? Proof of concept on a small scale. Yeah. So it's a matterof of concept on a small scale. So it's a matter of implementing it on a large scale. But if it's all fucking sinking into the ocean, that's not good.

It's like that Gulf oil spell. Like, where'd it go? Not good. It's gone. But the reality is that the ocean is so fucking big. If you do cap it eventually, everything will recover. It's obviously not good. But the reality is oil leaks from the ground for the ocean ocean floor also yeah i mean it does it all the time like throughout the california coast you could find natural oil that is leaked out of the bottom of

the ocean like the ocean floor the same way we can go in and get it with a pipe it can actually come through in some spots yeah so the ocean is not worried about that amount of, it's fucked up and gross. And for the people that live in that area, disgusting, awful, evil, all the above. But the whole ocean, it's like, come on. You know what the worst was, is when the Soviet Union went down, they got all these classified documents

came out about the nuclear program. For like 40 years, they were taking raw nuclear waste and just dropping it in the sea of japan just take it out throw it overboard mother and we're eating sushi well that's how the somali pirates started you know yeah the somali pirates before they called themselves somali pirates they called themselves the volunteer coast guard of somalia and the reason why they started doing this they started going out and capturing European boats that were dumping toxic waste off the coast,

killing off all their fish. So they would hold them for ransom. And then they realized, you know what, we get a lot more than this than we do doing fishing. So fuck fishing, let's just become kidnappers. So they became kidnappers and started making millions of dollars. Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but

take a bunch of people hostage, that's a fucking month's worth of dollars. Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but take a bunch of people hostage, that's a fucking month's worth of money. Hey now! This podcast was brought to you by DraftKings, was it? Is that what you call it? What's the URL? DraftKings.com No, no, no.

There's a URL, like you add something in there. Code word Rogan. Okay. Is that it? Yeah. I never get these things correct. Okay. DraftKings.com.

Enter in the code word Rogan for free entry now at DraftKings.com. Get on that fantasy football train and make yourself some money. I can't believe you can really make money, but you can. You get your piece of $5 million during kickoff week at DraftKings.com. Use the code word Rogan, and you can try it for free. Enter for free. Give it a shot, you fucks. And Greg Fitzsimmons, what's your website?

GregFitzsimmons.com, FitzDog.com. My new one-hour special from Comedy Central is now on Hulu for free. Life on Stage. Check that out. for free. Life on Stage. Check that out. If you want to see my bullshit live, I'll be in Edmonton on September 11-13

and then Atlanta October 13-15. Glorious. Go to Greg's website. We're out of time. We love to fuck out of you people. See you next week. Big kiss. Mwah. We're out. over that time, you know, it works out better. Yeah. Did you talk about the nine-year-old girl shooting the gun instructor? No, where'd that happen?

Oh, that's weird. Yeah. Oh, wow. It was an Uzi. On purpose she did it? No, she was at a gun range, and they were training her how to shoot an Uzi. They took one in the head.

Yeah, it got out of her hand. They have video of it. Oh, God. But it just stopped right when she was shooting. Oh, yeah? Is he dead? Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. But then what's crazy, I don't know.

I'm trying to bring it up, but I thought you said it was a talk about yesterday. But they were like, oh, yeah, it's completely legal. And actually, the shooting age is eight. Oh, my God. Not only that, but they're marketing to kids like crazy. Yeah. That's like they have like whole magazines for kids to. Kids and guns.

Yeah, and it's all put out by the NRA. Eight. That's beautiful. And that Uzi. I didn't fucking try it. I've shot one gun once, and it was like a little, what is it, a.22? Is that those little tiny ones? Yeah, the little baby ones.

That's all I shot. The girl ones.