The Joe Rogan Experience - #555 - Rory Albanese

Episode Date: September 29, 2014

Rory Albanese is a stand-up comedian and former executive producer/writer for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He's currently working on the Sundance Channel's "The Approval Matrix" and next year look for him on "Minority Report" on Comedy Central.

The Joe Rogan Experience I missed the English broad. We gotta bring her back. You want that? Eventually. This one here. The Joe Rogan Experience See, that's not English though.

That sounds like... Isn't there an English version of it? Where it's got more of an English... Or how high was I when I heard it? You might have been high. This bitch just talked to me. She was very proper. The Joe Rogan Experience.

Can we do that? Sure, I can make it. You need to get a real chick to do it. Hey, Rory. What's up, buddy? Hey, Joe. How are you? Thanks for doing this, man.

Appreciate it. Thank you. And seriously, I really appreciate you having me do it. You have a fucking amazing story You have a Hollywood success story. Do you? Yeah, very it's it's the it's it's pretty get this thing right up to your face. Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, that feels good. Maybe that's what man. Yeah, can I get another one on my other fucking everywhere? I'm gonna put them all over you These mice are sweet man. I'll tune you tune you up. Turn that off for a second.

I got to do something. No, it's very un-Hollywood in the sense that I was in New York and working at the Daily Show, which is next to the horse stables for Central Park. Yeah, I should say it's a great showbiz story. I guess so. Yeah. You went from being a PA to the executive producer of the Daily Show. Yeah. Dude, that The Daily Show. Yeah.

Dude, that's fucking awesome. Yeah, well, it was good. I didn't know that that was going to happen. I wanted to do comedy. I wanted to do stand-up, but I went to college. So I felt weird coming out of college and telling my parents I was just going to be a comedian. Remember all that money and stuff? I'm just going to tell jokes.

My dad's like an old-school Italian guy. Like, he doesn't understand this kind of stuff. He's like, what? What about a job? You know what I mean? Like, get a job. Like, he would have been happier if I said I was going to be, like, a mailman or an electrician. Like, that would have made more sense than a job in TV or comedy in general.

So I got the job here, and, like and that could at least justify the love of comedy. That sort of makes sense. Like, look, I'm working in serious business. This is the making of television shows. We're very successful over here. Or at least I had to go somewhere. Do you know what I'm saying?

I think that was a big part of it. It was like, well, what do you do in the morning when the alarm goes off? Oh, you don't have to get up in the morning because you just work at night in comedy clubs. Like, what?

Yeah. How about the comics that we know that don't do anything during the day at all Yeah, I mean they just fuck off completely until they get on stage which I which I'm always quite jealous of actually You know I but I always had that feeling when people go. How do you do both? I'm like well, you know once during the day, you know, so that's a one way to do both So as I got older I got more tired at night. and it's harder to go out and do clubs after the daily show. It is, right? It's the hardest thing in the world when you're on a set.

Not the hardest thing in the world. I shouldn't have said that. Look, compared to anything else, it's really easy. It's easy as fuck. But, I mean, it's hard to work, what I was going to say, it's the hardest thing in the world to work a full-time job and then try to go out and pursue something because all your juice is gone. Yeah gone yeah it's like if you're i mean anything you're trying to do that's like athletes that have full-time jobs like fighters that have full-time jobs fuck that's hard and that's even

harder because they have hours of training they have to put in every day but just when you're done at the end of the day you're done you want to get a bite to eat watch tv you don't want to go over your notes and fucking yeah or though for for me, the other thing was, too, is I'm still not even at a place where I walk into a club and they're like, oh, just get right up. And it's right up. Usually they're like, why don't you clean up this mess at 1.30 a.m.?

So for me, a lot of it was just I love doing the time, but sometimes you've got to hang out at the club. And then, you know, it's like my bigger problem was because then i have fun hanging out with other comics and i have afterwards i have a couple of drinks next thing i know the harder problem was getting up the next morning three hours right so that's where i started to have that uh you know while i'm doing the thing that was good about my day job is it got me better at comedy so i didn't really lose the like sort of experience i think i would have gotten on stage um what i didn't get by doing it every night for a while was uh you know like uh seasoned on stage it took

me a little longer to get like comfortable on stage to get back into the groove yeah exactly yeah yeah but uh still it was a good experience pa to ep was fun that's amazing that's one of those stories that you're gonna ruin the expectations for every fucking kid who ever becomes a PA. They're all going to think, this is it. I have to say, at the Daily Show, because it's been on so long and John's such a cool guy and really gave people opportunities there, I was among the first people to kind of make that journey, but now have not been the only one. The head writer there was a PA. That's amazing.

A bunch of the EPs and co-eps and stuff were p yeah like wow people can't come it's like you know it's like a farm system almost for good writing and producing it's pretty cool that's fantastic yeah and it's become like for a lot of people how they get the news yeah that's a problem that's weird isn't that weird yeah that's how people get the news. Jon Stewart. Yeah, people tell me that a lot. They say, well, I guess that's where I get my news. And I get it. I remember being in college.

We'd go to college. Kids get their news. I feel like I didn't even watch the news when I was in college. I don't know. You're in college. So I guess it's better than nothing. But I always tell people it's a good place to start to get interested in a topic and then go off and do your own research or whatever you want

because when people get into political debates off of like emails and like daily show clips and they're like that's actually not true it's like you know they don't have like a a real understanding of each story necessarily you know yeah it's a weird thing isn't it when you're when when you're doing a television show that's also an educational show and also has uh like a very progressive point of view a very what you would think of when you think of john stewart is like very intelligent very progressive mocking of both the left and the right when they do ridiculous shit yeah yeah but it's got to be funny sure i mean so it's it's that's a hard job yeah well it's really hard for him for me it was a lot easier because I got to watch him do it

Right. I mean, that's the thing about John. That's amazing is he does all he's involved from 9 a.m. Through the end of the show Obviously when he hosts it, but in other words, he's so intimately involved and he's so smart He's so sharp that like when he's in the chair I never worried about a joke not working right even when they didn't work worried about a joke not working because even when they didn't work he just would like call an audible in his own head and then like remember a joke from like the 90 and meeting that he liked that didn't make the script and throw that in or it's pretty amazing to watch him too sitting in the studio because he'll change a joke in prompter as a prompter scrolling and then later there's a callback to the joke he changed and he remembers to change the callback or skip the callback.

And I'm sitting there with the script watching the prompter going, oh, no. I'm like, oh, no, here comes the callback. Like, we're screwed, you know? And then he just jumps it or tags it with the joke. It's amazing. Yeah, it's really like watching a pretty incredible show. He's been doing it for that long, too. I mean, he's fucking smooth.

He's so used to that gig. Like, for Jimmy Fallon or maybe for Seth Meyers, who tried the same sort of impromptu ad lib, they might pull it off, but Jon Stewart's been doing it forever. Yeah. Forever and ever. Oh, no doubt.

And he also just knows a lot. He was a good comic, too, before he ever started doing that. Yeah, he's and he also just knows a lot. It was a good comic too before he ever started doing. Yeah, he's a great comic but he also just knows he understands comedy in a way that I'm sure those you know, I know both Seth and Jimmy super funny guys. I just never worked with him in that capacity So I know John Understands it like music, you know what I'm saying? Oh, no, that won't work. This will work, right? You know and people go how do you know something's going to work before you try it it's like you just kind

of know i don't know you just kind of know well he also has a very specific voice he knows his voice you know his style of delivery absolutely it's um it's it's an it's a fascinating show because it's very political but yet very funny it's he doesn't sacrifice like going for funny yeah like to try to look like less silly or try to look dignified he's not trying to monologue it yeah you know he's just making this stuff as funny as he can and sometimes he gets extremely animated and it's fucking hilarious yeah well yeah i mean he's he's he's versatile in that sense. He can really do any kind of comedy. But yeah, as far as it, I think it's because it really is. And people, this always bothers people so much.

They always want to go, oh, what? They think The Daily Show is like an agenda. It's like we're all sitting around in a circle being like, how do we screw the right? It's like, no, it doesn't. People don't believe that. And they go, oh, you're just hiding behind the fact that it's a comedy show. No, doing comedy is really hard. There's nothing to hide.

We still have to take the stories. We still try to get everything right. We have people who fact-check. There's a guy there named Adam Chodokoff who's just a guru of information, and will come in to the rewrite room between rehearsal and the show after we change a joke, and I go, you can't say this this way because it's statistically inaccurate to like sometimes i'm like yeah man no one's gonna care you can't say that but i'm saying it's not even it was we're so we really fact check stuff that goes out but the you know

so we it really a big part of the day is figuring out how to tell the story the narrative and then adding the jokes is why you have you know writers and guys like john you know right just then you can pile on the funny but funny is the most important thing there it really is that's what's so fun that's why we stayed so long because it's not like a uh i don't know it's there's no like movement happening there's just a comedy show well that's why everybody who gets so attached to it is so crazy it's like they want it almost to be more ideologically driven than it is yeah you know it's like people would they would want it if to be more ideologically driven than it is. Yeah. You know, it's like people would, they would want it if he said something ridiculous in support of Obama.

They would like it. Sure. But if Obama fucks up, he goes after him too. All the time. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. The show really became what it is or what people think of it as now during the Bush administration.

So I think people really associated it being this like hardcore left-wing show. And it definitely slants left. I mean, it's hard sometimes for it not to in comedy because everything that's... When you're pointing out some things that are just straight up absurd, it's hard sometimes not to seem left because you're throwing away like right you know

so i think that's why people go why don't people do a right-wing daily show it's like it's not really a left or right thing it's just a lot of times comedy is dismissive of people taking themselves too seriously and conservatives have a tendency to take things very seriously you know what i'm saying that's exactly what they are they're conservative they're taking it more serious comic by nature is the guy sitting in the back of the classroom being like look at this dick You know what I'm saying? That's exactly what they are. They're conservative. Exactly. They're taking it more seriously. And a comic by nature is the guy sitting in the back of the classroom being like, look at this dick, you know? It's just like you don't really care about what the person's saying.

You're just finding places to get a laugh. And I think, so for us, when the left does absurd things, which is also quite frequent, like Occupy Wall Street was a perfect example of my favorite times at The Daily Show where we're like ripping the left a. We're ripping the left, the new asshole, and the audience, because I'm in the studio where I used to be, and the audience is like, what? What are you guys doing,

man? Just John, this is our movement, man. They zip up their zippies over their John Stewart for President t-shirts. They're like, oh, shit. For me, it was like, we crushed those dudes, and then i'd go to the desk between commercials and we'd be like yeah you know it's like you know it's a stand-ups mentality

like you feel the crowd like i just came back from madison wisconsin this weekend and it's an amazing city like the club is awesome the shows were so fun but they were it was grown there were groans from the crowd on certain things i would say because it was this college town right and colleges now are really like i know that's like a a taboo right-wing thing to say but there's a left-wing political correctness in college now that is extreme extreme and i remember like 10 years ago doing a college gig is very different than now you make a joke about people like whoa and that was happening in madison and there's you know as a comic right like you feel that from the crowd and you go wait what just happened yeah and then you you know you want to like poke it a

little bit so on the daily show john's a comic when we hit it when we hit a note on something we were going after hillary and oh wait same thing what are you guys doing i don't know doing what we do we're making fun of people who are in charge like you know it's our you don't it's selective outrage you know well it's one of the more interesting things that's happened during the transition between the bush administration and the obama administration is that people are starting to deny this whole party thing they're starting to go look at this is we're okay we're getting fucked here this is not a left or right so these ideas that everybody on the right subscribes to like immediately you tell

someone that you're a republican and they immediately think you've got some freaky ideas about gay marriage you're pro-war you're anti-abortion they just start throwing things like you automatically get tossed into a very extreme category or if you say i only vote democrat you automatically get bunched in with these bleeding hearts super ridiculous professional victims just the the most ridiculous social policies you get two extremes on two sides and there's no room for nuance and the idea that you're either one or the other it's kind of being exposed as being ridiculous now that it's it's so funny that you say that because that's literally like the thing that I'm obsessed with since I left the show.

And that's why I've been talking about my stand-up act. It's like we're giving two choices and you pick a box and then that's what you feel about every issue in that column. And you're like, well, wait a minute. What if I'm pro-choice, but I'm okay with guns? Right. What do I do? You can't. You're not allowed. You're not allowed. You're not allowed. column and you're like well wait a minute what if i'm pro-choice but i'm okay with guns right what do i do do i you can't you're not allowed you're not allowed you're not allowed you can be left or

you can be right and like you said nuance i that's just called thinking like in other words whatever happened to like something comes up and people smart people sit around and talk about it and think about it instead of going knee jerk knee jerk if this happens the right's gonna get this it's so odd and i don't understand how and i agree with you i don't think most people feel that way but i think the people who have a voice on you know tv or media i should say are picking sides so it's like you're just sort of getting glumped into one of those two there's a real issue with that for sure there's a real issue with the people that are running these shows also taking safe choices that's a real issue like if you're easy to define but how the fuck did guns and gay marriage

get put in the same group how come they're even remotely connected yeah like you can be pro-gay marriage and you have to not want a gun yeah you can't own a gun that's what i'm saying i don't i don't see the i don't see the connection. They're bizarre connections. Those are connections. Conservative and progressive connections sometimes don't make any sense at all. Well, I also think, too, especially now, the argument against guns, and I'm not saying I don't own a gun, but I understand why people do. I don't own a gun because I live in New York City, and it's just not a good place to open carry. You don't want to cruise around Manhattan with a.357 hanging over your hip.

You know, Anthony Cumia actually does carry a gun with him everywhere. In New York as well, because in New York you're really not allowed to carry a weapon. But he has a concealed carry permit. National, right? No, he has a New York one. Wow. Yeah, it cost him a lot of money and a lot of time.

You've got to bribe some Staten Island people to get one of those. I don't know who you gotta bribe. I don't know what he had to do. You gotta go to an out-of-borough bribe house to get one of those. You gotta be in the secret poker game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I don't know how the hell he got it. That's some old school New York shit. He's also a public figure. I'm sure

he's had death threats, worries about his safety. But he, you know the whole story with him getting kicked off the air? No. He was taking photographs like 4 o'clock in the morning in New York. Some woman beat him up. Some chick he took a picture of. And he had a gun on him the entire time.

And then he went on this tirade about the crime problem and black America, the violence problem and black America. And they fired him from Opie and Anthony. Just giant outrage. Outrage on both sides. But the point being, this guy had a gun on him. He has a gun on him all the time. And he did nothing with it.

Yeah, he did nothing with it. He said he wasn't in danger. She was hitting him, but it sucked. But in Florida, that person gets shot every time. Probably. In Florida, just this conversation alone could get you shot. Yeah, they take shit to a different level. Did you guys talk about somebody getting in a fight?

I'm shooting somebody. I am shooting somebody. They're pretty sure there's a loophole. I definitely don't think everybody should have a gun. I definitely think it should be hard to get a gun. I think you should have to, I mean, we should all agree on what the requirements are, but mental health requirements, they should give you a mental health evaluation? To me, the gun issue has always just been, like, what's so, in order to go scuba diving, you got to take a class and a test, you know?

And that's just so you don't, like, come up too fast and get the bends or whatever. It's like, in order to get a car, which everyone says is a weapon, you know, if you drive drunk or whatever, it's a weapon. You go to jail for homicide if you kill somebody in a car drunk or whatever um you gotta get a take a test get a license i to me it's just like guns are fine but why not just you you pass the handgun class get a handgun you register to me it's just about like knowing who's getting the guns because then at some point someone's like i want to take the bazooka class you're like we should watch that guy you know what i mean the guy the, I want to take the bazooka class. You're like, we should watch that guy. You know what I mean?

The guy who wants to take the bazooka class, it seems like maybe he gets on a list. I don't know. Or he doesn't. I don't want to piss people. I don't want a guy with a bazooka in front of me. They're going to get mad at you right now even for suggesting that. No, but I'm just saying a class to me seems like a reasonable. It seems very reasonable.

Yeah, but again, I get it. It's like the country. But then I think about this a lot. The amendment the argument is you it's different now the constitution is an ancient document people used to have muskets now they have ar-15s but the same is true with the first amendment because people used to just stand in like a town square and yell stuff they wanted to get off their chest but now we've got twitter which is like the ar-15 of free speech you know and it like, now you've got crazy people putting shit out there with... So it's

the same thing. Well, maybe we've got to scale that thing back a bit too. Well, how about what you can do in the name of parody? There's all these websites that just write fake stories. I know. And these fake stories aren't even funny. They're just totally fake. Right. And people retweet them and tweet them, and you go to the website, it says somewhere on the website, this a parody site and you're like oh it's like a right wing onion

you know yeah it's like not some of them are unbelievably bad and those are the ones like my mom sends me she's like did you see this did you see this this is what all muslim people are like i'm like that's not it's actually not that's that's a photoshopped thing you know like that's because in that little there's a there's a mom forwarding community i think the gun argument is that if you if you make it so that people have to take a mental health evaluation the the real extreme guys would say well then someone is going to decide who gets to have this kind of and that'll be political and ideologically driven and the left will make sure that no one is mentally capable of carrying a gun.

Yeah, well, that's what I was saying. I don't think it's a mental health thing. I just think it's like a road test. That's all I'm saying. Well, it should be both, right? I mean, it's a different thing than a car, because it's not transportation. Its only purpose is to shoot things. But, yeah, I guess its only purpose is to shoot.

But for some people, it's a hobby for some people it's a hobby for some people they like to go to a shooting oh yeah they like to shoot they're entitled to like to do that just like a bow and arrow you don't even need a license right which is go to a store i know which is also uh i guess and even a crossbow yeah crossbow is just like those things are crazy are you allowed to wear a crossbow like just around your that's a good question it would be cool as shit to do. I think there's a limit on what size blade you can have for a knife. But I wonder if like a weapon like a crossbow...

But I mean walking around a city with a quiver and a bow and arrow. It's pretty badass. You should look into that. I'm sure you can use arrowheads. Well, you can have them. No, I mean an arrowhead tied to a stick. Arrowhead tied to a stick. I mean you can have a bow. Instead of using arrows with real sharp ends, you can have them. No, I mean an arrowhead tied to a stick. Arrowhead tied to a stick. I mean, you can have a boat.

Instead of using arrows with real sharp ends, you could use an arrowhead. That's just a rock. Arrowhead. What do you mean? Those arrowheads you find in Ohio. Oh, the ancient Indian ones? Yeah, yeah. You're saying take a piece of flint and make it.

That is a weapon, though. Yeah, that's a weapon. That's a weapon, still. That was a solid weapon for centuries, actually. Yeah, I mean, you can't deny that an arrowhead was designed specifically to kill things. So if you get pulled over with a bunch of arrowheads, you're in trouble.

Well, you could, if you were attached to an actual device, like a stick. Like if you had a spear in your car, like a real spear that was tied down with animal sinew and a giant fucking blade hanging across the back of your and they were like yeah like those caveman ones yeah i see you know what is it called obsidian is that what it is that weird rock it's like a black rock yeah shiny rock it's that slices up nice when you chip away at it yeah that that's probably the

line but you can say like hey I'm just into archaeology. Yeah. Or I'm 12 and I found it outside. Isn't it funny you could still find those in some places? I found one when I was a kid in Ohio. Did you really? Yeah, I guess it was very common because there was this place, Old Man's Cave. Old Man's Cave.

Really? It was really a place called Old Man's Cave. Are you sure that's not a Scooby-Doo episode? Jeepers, creepers. Zinks. We're at Old Man's Cave. You pull his mask off and it's really the fucking town mayor. He's not an old man after all.

It's a young lady. I remember the one I found was broken, but you could tell it was the tip or the half of one. Wow, that's so cool. I would love to find something like that that you know somebody used for sure hundreds and hundreds of years ago, and you're just holding on to it, trying to think about what time has passed with that. Very cool. Check out, this is Old Man's Cave.

It really is a place. Yeah, and it's just like this. No, dude, that's Young Ladies Gulch. I know my way around Ohio. That's a dope fucking cool little spot, man. That's amazing. You found an arrowhead way around ohio that's a dope cool that's amazing you found an arrowhead there yeah there's a waterfall like that oh there's tons of old man's cave it's badass that's so cool wow and then there's like insides where you go inside there's like slag mites and stalag nights how do you say it stalact Stalagmite and stalactite. Have you ever seen that fucking spot that they found in Mexico that looks like...

Remember Superman's dad? He had that crazy island. You mean Marlon Brando? Yeah. Didn't he also have a crazy place? He had a crazy island, yeah. Dr. Moreau. Marlon Brando was his dad.

He was his dad. Brando was his dad, yeah. Remember he had that crazy place where they would go, and there was all the ice crystals and shit. It looked really nutty. Fortress of Solitude. Is that it? Yeah.

There's a place in Mexico that looks like a real live Fortress of Solitude. Pull it up. Pull up Fortress of Solitude in Mexico. Crystal Caves. Crystal Caves in Mexico, where there's, they're crystals. And they're fucking huge, man. And just jutting out of the ground. Like giant ones all over the place.

That's so cool. It doesn't even look real and it's apparently insanely hot down there. Like you can't even stay down there for very long while you're examining it because it's like 140, 150 degrees. Because you're like under the ground in Mexico, right? You're cooking in Mexico.

That's awesome. And these things, look at this. This is real. Those are people, man. That's awesome. That's a fucking dude. Those are scientists That's crazy.

walking on top of these giant beams of crystal. That's crazy. It's fucking insane. Those crystals are 40, 50 feet long. Some of them even more. Look at that one. That's like 100 feet long. That is crazy.

And they're giant around, and you can walk on them. They're like bridges. That's amazing. Yeah, there's a bunch of dope pictures, dude, if you find some other ones. Some of them, they just don't even look real. Like, you see these people standing, like, look at that one with the two. Wow. Oh, my God, that's insane. How is it really blue like that?

That's just when they light it up. Did you know that they found that some insane amount of water that was hidden in the Earth's surface? And it's in stuff like that. It's in a mineral they found that there's way more water in the in the earth and they they recently uh than they realized i'm sure we'll find a way to suck it out and use it for something well i think it's in like some sort of a mineral form it's uh many times more than ocean. Of all the oceans. Yeah, we talked about it a couple episodes ago.

Yeah, I'm trying to just pull it up. It's a huge underground reservoir, holds three times as much water as in the oceans. Yeah. How fucking crazy is that? It's nuts. But it's that kind of shit. It's like, it's not actually water, I don't think. It's like crystallized minerals or whatever. Yeah, it's something that's called ringwoodite.

And it's only been found in meteorites. That's crazy. That's what this fucking shit is. I think that's it. And they believe that, like a lot of the water, they believe that hit Earth came from, probably scientists right now are listening to me going, what?

You don't know what the fuck you're saying, stupid. I don what was it a lot of the what meteors a lot of the water on this earth came from comets that's what they think they think that um that a lot of the water just came from space just like when you see a comet and those big trails behind the comet apparently that's water shit that's water. I thought that was energy drink. That's what I thought. That's what I thought monster came from. Yeah, so I don't know how we got on this. How did we get on this?

Water. If arrowheads were illegal. Arrowheads. Oh, we were talking about guns. We were talking about guns. Yeah, but we went somewhere. Yeah, we went to Old Man's Cave. Old Man's Cave.

Oh, that's where we got the crystal caves in Mexico. The crystal caves in Mexico. Yeah, someone like J-Lo got a bathtub carved out of crystal from Mexico. Some high-quality baller. And it was like a million-dollar bathtub. Wow. And it was just carved out of Mexican crystal. That's awesome, man.

That's totally necessary. I just don't know why they didn't use any diamonds. I don't think that's excessive at all. There's no diamonds in it. Why not have diamonds in it? I think having a bathtub is a waste of money, let alone a crystal bathtub. It's because you're not a chick. That's right.

That's because I don't bathe. They love to have their leg up in the air. I just like the thought of getting into a pool of standing water to clean myself. There's nothing about that that seems appealing. Well, at the end of the day, you're really just sitting in butt soup yeah butt soup that's all it is and i know my butt i want to be in a shower unless you take a shower first and then take a bath you're disgusting yeah like you just you're just you're watering down the amount of filth on your body that's all you're doing you're spreading it out yeah or evenly you're just bringing butt juice all over your breasts and feet.

You better quickly trademark butt juice. I don't know if that's out there. If you think about the amount, I mean, if you are not a good wiper, the amount of shit material that's still in your ass, if you were about to take a nice clean bathtub and someone said, okay, I'm just going to give a 1 16th of a teaspoon of shit and stir it in the water. You'd be like, get the fuck out of here. I'm not getting in that water.

That's exactly what you're doing. I think one sixth of a teaspoon is low based on some of the people I know. Especially if you're hairy. Some Italian guy with a big fucking hair he has. Yeah, big hairy ass. Getting in there. That's 2% shit in that water. Dirty.

Disgusting. Yeah, baths are fucking weird, man. It's a relaxation thing as much as it is a bathing thing yeah i know how to do shower they invented them when they used to have to like heat up water and they just have a fire under them that's one of the reasons why they're iron well it's also it also used to be like people took baths in the same water yes you don't want to lug that water up from the lake a hundred times or the river, you know what I mean? And then it would be like, alright, mom goes first, you know what I mean? By the end,

someone just, at that point, you're like, you know what, I'm good. I'm good on the bathroom. I bet they never got sick. No, people. They were just trading each other's bacteria back and forth. Then pooping in the well, you know? Saying they never got sick is

ridiculous because not only did they get sick, but they died, like millions of them. All the time. One fluid hit. Boom. People died from like diarrhea. Yeah. All the time.

Yeah, dysentery. That scares the shit out of me about this Ebola thing, that they can't contain it, they keep spreading. But they can't contain it, if you've been reading those stories, like they can't contain it. If you've been reading those stories, they can't contain it in Africa. But some of what's happening in those villages is people are not telling. First of all, there's no CDC there kind of controlling the situation. It's a mess internally within the country. But also, a lot of people are scared. It's just a different culture.

So people are scared. It's just a different culture. So people are scared. There was one doctor who's from the region who studied here at Harvard and is back there now. He wrote this thing about it, or they did an article on him, just saying how his biggest struggle is convincing people in these villages that they need to take these warnings seriously and things like that. There's all of these other components of it besides the fact that the disease is just spreading rapidly, but the people aren't reacting properly. You know i mean oh that makes sense so there's like more and i'm not saying it's not a terrible thing i just mean there's more to it right they're

structurally disorganized it seems like there's people are like not telling them that they're so-and-so died two days before they're like and there's no 911 like ambulances don't come they're like and there's no 9-1-1 like ambulances don't come they're not clearing the bodies out in time like it's a it's not a first world situation you know that totally makes sense a serious problem on a whole other level yeah but it's it's one of the reasons it's it's not it's difficult to control isn't that like a plot in a movie like this isn't that how the super disease spreads yeah sure it spreads through like a series of things that you're, as you're watching the movie, you're going, no, don't get in the plane. Don't get in the plane.

He's not going to tell him that the lady's dead. He's not going to tell him. The mosquito's in your pants. It's in your pants. Izzy zips up. Slap. Yeah, man. It's, Africa's scary scary it scares the shit out of me it's a weird the more i read about different parts of africa i mean there's obviously johannesburg and there's some cities

and i've met a lot of people from south africa that are cool as fuck but the the whole of africa is so fucking huge yeah if you look at like when you look at a map we look at a map we look at africa as if africa is the same size america because on maps they're kind of distorted have you ever seen that image when they put america inside of africa and you get to see how big africa really is yeah yeah it's fucking monstrous yeah and it's where everything started yep and you can't don't say that what do you mean on the air what do you mean everything's without jesus well i mean the non-jes that stuff that hold on Adam was a white guy I had a guy at his rib pick down

I had a guy on a couple weeks to believe in Adam and Eve really for believes in it or like likes to taste That's how people came here really incest yep Cuz that yeah, but I always confused me like they have a kid and then they have another kid and they those fucker kids or the Kids fuck each other Someone's getting fucked. You have to make people. You gotta make, like... Nobody wants to hear that. If you say that, that...

Frank and Susan down the street, at least. You know, give them some... Spread out the DNA a little bit, you know? Come on, I know you work in mysterious ways, but come on! Well, Noah had to do it again, too. I know. It started all over again with Noah. Same deal.

Yeah, and he also had all those animals to fuck, too. Noah had it made. Well, he probably couldn't fuck the animals, because he had to those animals to fuck too. Noah had it made. Well he probably couldn't fuck the animals because he had to fuck his kids to make sure he made more kids.

You gotta make people. You gotta save those loads. He was 500 years old at the time. I really felt that that should have been the Russell Crowe movie after the flood

and just him fucking his kids. You know what I mean? Just two hours of Russell Crowe fucking his daughter. Now that's a movie. Rock monsters

guard over them. Yeah, I like the Hollywood executive. It's like, make me one of them kid fucking movies. Tie it to the Bible. Listen, if they have a better explanation, let them write the script. Let them write the script. Hire a couple of Jews. Make me a kid fucking movie.

Tie it to the Old Testament, the New Testament. I don't give a shit. Could you imagine if you pitched a movie where Adam and Eve had to have sex with their children because they realized

it was the only way for children to survive. So Adam and Eve could be played by like Brad Pitt. Yeah, gotta be. And like someone hot. I think it would be

the girl from Kick-Ass. Which one's that? She's too young, dude. Not anymore. She's like 20. Brad Pitt. That's perfect. Brad Pitt, Kathy Bates.

Fucking blow people's minds. No, I'm scared of Kathy Bates after Misery. I wouldn't be able to jerk off to that movie. Well, that's a thought. Those are your movie reviews? Joe Rogan says he couldn't whack it to it. I tried. I tried.

But it was too disturbing. But Nick would stay hard, says Joe Rogan of the whack it times. Speaking of whacking it the strange movies, man. I saw Under the Skin with Scarlett Johansson this weekend. Have you seen it? No, I didn't know anything about it. What is it? It's an art movie that they made with her in Scotland where they used hidden cameras

and she tried to pick up men. Oh, it's like as Scarlett Johansson? Yeah, well, she had an English accent. I don't know if she has an English accent in real life. So it's real, in other words. A lot of it is real interactions with random people, and they wind up using them in their interactions with her in the movie. The movie's about her.

She's an alien. She comes here and tries to emulate human beings, and when she emulates human beings, she takes men, and I don't want to give away the plot, but she lures them in with her beautiful good looks and charm and she's naked in half the movie it's fucking fantastic hold on let me write this just because of that she's naked and have to move and you know what i love about her man she's naked and she's not thin no she's she's curvy she's a woman she's a

sexy woman yeah like i fucking hate that women think that they have to look like they're starving to death I think that they're attractive drives me nuts and so silly and also did you see Don Don John is that what it's called with uh no I didn't see that she has like a long I was really funny yeah it's funny about it was like a Long Island like East Coast kind of dude movie to me like hit so many funny points. Just him driving around yelling at people, like, fuck, get the fuck off the road.

I'm like, yeah, that's how you drive. That's a normal way to drive. And then Scarlett Johansson, though, she plays this Italian girl chewing gum. And she's like, I fucking love your parents. It's awesome. Goes over for Sunday dinner. Oh, it's so funny.

It's so funny. I'll see it. I have to see it. But, oh, it's so funny. It's so funny. I'll see it. I have to see it. But that character, my friends always make fun of me because, like, those Long Island girls, like, I have such a weakness for that kind of a girl. Oh, yeah, because it's like kryptonite for me. Like, even though I, you know. Why?

Yeah, like, I don't know. It's just like, that's what I grew up around. So sometimes I'll see a girl like that. I'm just like, yeah. Really? She's leathery in her eyes, you know. Like, when you were a kid. So she played that. I don't know. It's just like yeah really she's leathery and hot you know like when she played that i don't know it's just like you know did you like have a girl when you were a kid that like like

a joan jett type thing no well joan jett lived in my town for a while so that could be part of it yeah i don't know it's just weird it's my friend my buddies from college always used to make fun of me like they used to say kiyoki like that girl's kiyy, you know like from New York. Yeah, she is and be like, oh Rory. Yeah, say it again I'm so the opposite. Yeah. Well, I mean I believe me I've not really been with too many girls like that But there's like a I have an impulsive reaction like that girls attractive because that's what you grow up around Yeah, I hear that accent. I think arguments. Yeah arguments are coming sure, but isn't that half the fun? arguments yeah arguments are coming sure but isn't that half the fun not me man i'm not good at those i don't i don't enjoy those especially uh interrelational arguments yeah you know i i

don't mind arguing with drunk idiots no i don't want to argue with a chick i'm dating it's just fighting in a relationship's the worst thing in the world especially as you get older you get so tired you're like yeah fine yeah i don't whatever well also you start realizing hey how come i never argue like this with my friends yep you know like what's going on there like i had an ex-girlfriend a long time ago back in the dizzy who just loved to fucking fight and one one day i was hanging out with one of my friends we were laughing and joking around and i realized i go why is it that when you're around certain people, it just becomes tense and fighting? It's not their fault. It's not your fault.

It's like you just need to not be hanging around with those people. That kind of person. She'll find a guy that she can steamroll, and she'll have a grand old time, and maybe he'll enjoy that type of relationship too. But it's just not right for you. Well, that's what it is. I think it's also a lot of it's just personality. I have a very, I want to be in control of my own shit kind of personality and i've been dated people i was uh married at one point yeah which is a whole other thing but uh but yeah i think i think but i don't

even think it's bad when you realize that that's an incompatibility i think there's a reality to that which is like we're going to be conflicting all the way through this and like what's you know at some point you just go like i'm crazy about this person but like there seems to be conflicting all the way through this. And, like, at some point you just go, like, I'm crazy about this person, but, like, there seems to be a disconnect in my ability to agree and your ability to agree with each other on things because we both want to go our own way. And there's not absolutes in these types of relationships. Sometimes people can just figure it out and work it out.

Yeah. Just communicate with each other and make things better. Yeah. And sometimes they can't. You know, it's like when you talk about these things, whenever you, like, it sounds like you're giving advice like relationship advice people will always get pissed off one way or another they're always like you're judging or you're this or you're that but the reality is who the fuck knows what you're it's like the idea of

a man and a woman finding the exact right compatibility for each other is so fucking hard to do so when people like when they think they have to break up and they know they have to break up like god damn it we fight all the time we got to fucking break up it's hard to just start all over again yeah it's really that's what people are scared of yeah people are scared of getting out of the bad one and then trying to find a good one because it's fucking hard to find cool people there's also a comfort in a relationship that even then when you're fighting, there's a comfort to it. And you've got to separate the like, I don't know, man, we both like American Idol.

You've got to try to separate some of that and go like, the other stuff that's happening is not healthy. I've had my best relationships with chicks I have zero in common with. Just as long as we're nice to each other. I don't need to like the kind of music you like. I can walk in and go, what the fuck are you listening other Yeah Like I don't need to like The kind of music you like I can walk in and go What the fuck Are you listening to But I don't get upset Well that's the whole thing

As long as they don't care Yeah Cause then sometimes People are like Oh you disrespect my shows You're like Well there's some guys That like you know

I want my girl To start going to the gym with me She's gonna start power lifting Like what That's a weird request Why are you doing that I want her to understand A lifestyle

That's amazing She's gonna be my girl Sweetheart? I want her to understand a lifestyle. That's amazing. She's going to be my girl. Sweetheart, I think you're attractive, but you don't really have traps. You've got to work on your neck muscles. You've got a skinny neck. You've got a little bit of too much neck. I don't think it's so hot. I'd like some less neck on a girl.

I'd put a ringworm on that finger. How did we get on the subject of Scarlett Johansson's movie? I don't know. You were on the airplane watching it. We were talking about other movies before that right i don't know do we always have to figure out how we got on this no i do unfortunately i had a detective series this is this is typical me i got a notepad in front of me these legal notepads and when i have something i don't want to forget i'll write it down and i'm like i'm not gonna forget that so of course i didn't write it

that's like the story of my stand-up writing. I'm like, that's a good bit. I'll write it down tomorrow. Now I'm going to keep playing this video game. You ever hear of Mitch Hedberg's joke about that? I'm paraphrasing, but he goes, sometimes when I'm lying in bed, I have the idea for a joke. Either I have a pen or a pad, or I have to convince myself that it wasn't that funny. That's exactly right. He's so good jesus christ he's yeah he would be awesome at shit that just doesn't look funny on paper and you're crying

laughing yeah he's one of those comics i saw one i had the chance to see live once and uh boy i remember watching him going well i don't i don't know why i'm doing this like he was one of those we're just going what's the point? Like that guy's out there? Yeah. And it's so unique. There's no Mitch Hedbergs. It's like Mitch Hedberg and that's it.

There's no one. He's like, there's guys that are like Mitch Hedberg now. But when I put him in a category, he's like a unique little branch. Yep. And his whole thing with him, his delivery, his style, his performance. You never really saw his face. He's got a hair in front of his eyes. So sad that that guy had such a fucking raging drug problem that we lost him at such a young age.

Same with Geraldo, man. That crushed me. That guy was incredible. Geraldo, it's more of like a one-time accident. Yeah, no, I know. But he did, he was struggling and he was going through shit. But yeah, it was definitely not as, it was not like Mitch Hedberg, the rumor was,

like this guy's doing a lot of drugs. Well, he had gangrene. He was almost going to lose his leg. Like we were, when we were, Doug and I were working together and he got this phone call and he hung up the phone. His face was like ashen. And he's like, Hedberg might lose his leg. Jesus Christ.

And I was like, no fucking way. And they're like, yeah, he's hospitalized. He apparently had been shooting into the same vein over and over and over again, and it was just, it was awful and infected. And, you know, when Stanhope was saying it, I was like, that is, like like it's almost more fuck than hearing about a guy dying it's hearing about a guy who gets his leg amputated because he was doing heroin too much especially yeah especially now like gangrene that's crazy yeah that's some like roman times disease yeah yeah that was right before he died too right yeah it was about a year before he died i think so um when you know doug was pretty close to them i i only met him once man i only met him once at the store i went on after him one night at the store he was really

cool he's very friendly but i've always been a fan always and since then um i i actually was listening to one of his albums just like two or three days ago yes great he's great even stuff that didn't work when it didn't work he just had this way of going that one needs work or something you know something along those lines his his his delivery yeah yeah that did not go how i intended yeah that joke will not be on the cd it's just like yeah it's amazing the double tree joke about how they named their fucking... What do you want to name the hotel? Two trees? No. Double tree?

I like it. Meeting adjourned. I'm paraphrasing, of course. Yeah, yeah. Second suggestion they went with. The second suggestion. Yeah, he would pick apart casual phrases and make them really hilarious. He was a fucking brilliant guy yeah

awesome guy you know i always wonder and this is the unfortunate thing about when a guy because i know how much marijuana has helped me and helped me write and i'm not i'm not shy to admit it i think like when i write and i write when i'm on weed i write things that i would never have come up with on my own i really really do believe that. It sounds crazy. Maybe I would have. I come up with some things on my own, but it's almost like weed is your ghostwriter. And I see a guy like him, and I wonder how much of that was just being on heroin.

I don't know. That's a good question. But I do think with weed or writing on weed, I think that you can come up with, I don't know, I think you're capable come up with as I don't know I think you're capable as capable as coming up with maybe different jokes but jokes without being on weed or being on weed but maybe like I mean I think about that sometimes too like it like smoking pot and going oh man like this idea I would

never thought of it but then sometimes the next day when I read it I'm like yeah but fucking last night I was like, dude. I think I'm like, and then I picture myself in like a billboard covered in money. Like he did it, the billion dollar band. You know what I mean? Cover of Forbes, like with like two Jaguars in a Jaguar. You know what I mean? Like petting it.

Bikinis behind you. High heels. He's got three pet cheetahs because fuck it. You know? Because he came up with one idea. Yeah, exactly. That's always what I say to people. When you start doing stand-up, there's always that thing you think is going to happen.

This moment where, like, that's it. Because it used to be like people would go on Carson, you know, or whatever. And then you realize, oh, no, it's just this long journey of like trying to get better at this craft and like yeah there's no way you you ever feel like you made it if you're still working too yeah because you're still you're always working on it yeah you know especially as a comic you're fucking you're always working on it you have to be like yeah you have to continue to go on stage can't can't take six months off here and there and stop touring. You've got to constantly be doing it.

Yep. Or at least constantly be writing, thinking about it, and always ready to go out and try stuff. For sure. I mean, for sure. And I think a guy like Hedberg, he was just getting... People were just starting to catch on to how amazing that guy was. That's what happened with Hicks, too. People were just starting to hear about him when he died. That's what happened with Hicks, too. I was wondering when people were just starting to hear about him.

He died. That's really sad. I don't even think he probably had a clue. What he started. And also how he will be forever considered. I don't think he probably has an idea that he's regarded as one of the greats. Maybe he does or doesn't. But I always think about that.

That is a guy that in the last 10 years He's like his legend has only grown You know his materials still relevant which is really weird even the stuff that people might not think is that funny? It's very relevant today. Yeah, you know like maybe the the See the real problem is a lot of things that he said Everybody says now and they think oh, what's the big deal? Everybody says that right, but they don't realize that in 1992 Everybody wasn't saying that yeah It was just Hicks and it was the first time anybody was ever saying this shit that he said in a stand-up form

Like that young man on acid dude young man on acid realizes that life is just I don't remember I like realize it's just it's like a pointless journey It's a positive news story. The idea was, why are they always just giving you only negative news stories? And then his take on the Iraq War. He basically had material from then that could be used easily today. Carlin's the same way with some of his stuff. He did a special.

My favorite George Carlin special was Jammin' in New York, which he did in like 92, I think. Or 1990, 92, around then. And he has stuff in that about the environment that's as pertinent now as it was even more now, particularly now, because people are talking about it more. But the Iraq War, talking about

Dick Cheney in the Iraq War. Shit that verbatim translated, talking about gotta go play with our toys in the sand. Gotta go play with our toys in the sand. You know what I mean? And it's like, it just talking about all that stuff.

Like we love war. And just, I'm not every 10 years we average a war in America and, and saying things that are like, not only funny, but like blow your mind. And then the environment is like, I still believe his theory on the environment,

which is like people saying like save the earth. And's like no the earth's fine like we're fucked you know what i mean and it's like when it's ready it'll shake us off like a bad case of fleas you know like we're a surface nuisance you know well when you start paying attention to all the different mass extinctions that they've been on earth they just pulled up some new evidence that shows there was another comet that hit the Earth way before the dinosaurs that was thousands of times a bigger impact than the one that killed the dinosaurs. Like a couple billion years ago, apparently. We were hit by a planet. Yeah, that happens.

That Earth, you know, that's... Just gets smashed. You know, that's the premise of two of the greatest movies of all time, Armageddon and the other one. What was the other one? Deep Impact. Deep Impact. I was thinking Haley's Comet. Deep Impact, they didn't even have to change the name for the porno.

No, they did not. They kept it. That's a scary fucking image, man. A giant five-mile-wide fucking chunk of rock that's going gonna slam into the earth and kill everything i also think though that like any image of your own death is scary of course you know like you don't know how it's coming nobody everyone thinks it's gonna be like 90 and laying in bed and like their grandkids will be like tickling their feet you know but like

you don't fucking know but even if it is while you're like in bed like people say i want to go in my sleep what if you go in your sleep and the nightmare is that the Grim Reaper is riding your face, choking you to death, screaming into your eyes? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's going to be fun. That's a solid way to go out, though.

That's a solid way. Just tattered robes. Somebody write that down. I'm getting that tattoo. He's just on you. He's got red, glowing eyes. I'm getting that tattooed across my back you he's got red glowing eyes getting that tattooed across my back the Reaper fucking my face man not fucking your face like holding your you know your neck I didn't mean it sexually I

thought you meant he was just fucking going to town I would have said I would have said he was fucking you wake up with the Reapers cock in your mouth what's going on here slides like a roto-rooter then you start realizing why am I resistant so much I don't mind this and that And then you start realizing, why am I resisting so much? I don't mind this. And that's how you die, realizing, I like Reapercock. That's how you die. It's your last thought. Shit. It's like you can get fucked in the ass in your dreams, but you can't die in your dreams.

Right. Right. I don't know. It's not as terrifying. I don't know if I've ever had an ass-rape dream. I can't say I have. Or even an ass-sex dream. Why are we saying rape rape we're not really saying

rape the real nightmare would be that you loved it oh i guess would it would it or would that solve all my problems it might solve a lot right yeah no yeah yeah i don't know i don't think i i don't feel like i i remember like being i guess i do still have sex dreams occasionally my dreams aren't like fun anymore you know. You know, I don't know. I used to have, like, fun ones where I was, like, in war and shit. Now they're just more like, I'm like, I got to check email, you know? It's like a really, even my, like, dreams are lame, you know? It's just like nothing about me is cool.

I had a dream last night that I cleaned up my office. Yeah, fucking, that's a solid dream, dude. So I got up this morning And I cleaned up my office There you go I said maybe My dream's trying to tell me something I'm a fucking slob And I need to get my shit together

Doc what does this mean Oh it just means You should clean your office actually Stop being a slob Fucking pack rat Boxes of shit I got boxes I got magazines

From like the 80s Like what am I gonna read this again You should sell them man Details magazine People From like 1989 People What is this I don't even know It was from the 80s like what am i gonna read this again you should sell details magazine people like 1989 i don't even know it's from the 80s but it was old as fuck it was like stupid old that's funny

i have boxes of shit people buy that stuff old magazine i'm like there's a whole market you know the whole market on fire i don't want them alive i don't want them to have it remember you used to give me all posters you used to give me boxes of posters, like, just get rid of this. Brian eBayed all these posters that I had from the early days of the UFC. I had Pride posters that were, they're probably pretty valuable. Yeah, they were. I mean, people were snatching them up. As he locks his BMW, he's like, yes, they were.

They were quite valuable, actually. I just had to get rid of it, and I felt like the best way to do it was let him sell them. There was a few of them that I almost wanted to keep because of it and I felt like the best way to do it was let him sell them. There was a few of them that I almost wanted to keep because they were just cool posters. That sperm one, that pride sperm one was pretty dope.

The black and blue one with the guy, I can't remember the name. It was quite a few. The old Vitor Belfort one, that was one from early UFCs. Like, yeah, those are,

that's interesting stuff but most of it's just bullshit. Most of them are fucking old notebooks where I open it up and I just go, oh, I'm going to keep in this one. Yeah. Do you ever read old material and go like, oh, man, it's good. It's always like, wow. I'm like, this is so bad.

I'm like, you know, I'm like, no wonder they didn't give me that spot on, you know, on whatever. You know, it's like, oh, yeah, that wasn't very good. It seems like it should be way easier than it is to just figure out a way to write a joke yeah yeah i find it the easiest thing to do is think of a concept of something i like write it down a little bit and then play with it on stage because i don't i don't i don't know i don't have like a a disciplined writing process as much as i really like finding it on stage and then trying to repeat it the next night if i can and you know it's a hard it's a bad way to do it in a lot of ways because you, it

takes sometimes longer to find the material. But if I record it now, I just record it on my phone. I can listen to it back and go, I told that joke, you know, a certain way. We were kind of talking about this earlier with that joke. It's like, I told a joke a perfect way that night and it killed and I can't figure out what the fuck I did. So now I like being able to go back and listen to it and go, oh, I just paused there.

And then sometimes it's just I got lucky that one night. They're not all good. I have the same process for sure. I think a lot of people do. But I also try to write stuff out sometimes too. You know what I try to do? I try to write blog entries. Most of them I never post, but I write the blog entry,

and then in the blog entry, I find a gem. Yeah. Because you're just sort of writing, and then I pull that out. But that's like the same thing as riffing on stage. You're just doing it with your fingers. And I do that on my phone a lot. I just go into the notes thing, and I just jam out a thing. But then a lot of that, I'll read through it again.

I'm like, I may have been stoned. Oh, for sure. Yeah. It's like, this is tenuous at best this connection i'm making here you know what i mean and then i realize i'm like i guarantee you there's a hundred books on that topic and i'm this is not some brilliant new idea and then i'm like yep there it is there's like well there's always that right especially when you think you have an interesting idea that nobody ever thought of today yeah you just google it and you go oh look there's a whole

forum dedicated to it yeah that's actually a question i always have for other comics which is what is your because i have had people come up to me at stand-up clubs both both ways but i've had people come up and go hey man there was a comic down here you know like i'm in atlanta or something some local guy or austin something local it was a comic down here who's doing a bit that you did in your half hour like so i just let him know i was like yeah never do that again it's okay like and and by the way you watched my half hour you So I just let him know. I was like, yeah, never do that again. It's okay. And by the way, you watched my half hour.

You know what I mean? I didn't even know anyone saw that fucking thing. But it's like the idea that somebody else wouldn't come up with the same idea. Especially premises. People are like, oh, just so you know, Louis C.K. does stuff on airplanes. Like, yeah, there's only 100 topics in the fucking world to talk about. You can't call topics. Yeah, you can't call airplanes. Well, you know what I mean.

And I don't think Louie would do it. I'm just saying there's this weird thing now, like this comedy police thing. But at the same time, I have seen, and I know you've dealt with it before, comics straight up steal other people's stuff. Or maybe unintentionally, but steal it. There's always going to be that, man. There's always going to be people stealing. But I do think with the internet now, it's really hard. You do a joke.

This used to happen at the Daily Show. Come up with a joke and somebody would be like, oh, actually, Patton Oswalt tweeted that an hour ago. It's like, what are we supposed to do? Check everyone's Twitter? We've got to put a show on, man. Especially a topical. It's like more than one person is going to come up with an obvious premise. Yeah, exactly.

That happens sometimes on Twitter. I write a joke and somebody goes, oh, you're 20 minutes behind someone so i'm like okay i don't know man like i didn't i didn't steal it yeah it's not i'm like in both of our defense it's not that good it's a twitter joke yeah well i think there's just there's always going to be parallel thinking but what people are really worried about is plagiarism as long as it's not plagiarism you i think you kind of know when it's plagiarism because it's never just one instance nobody always never ever steals like one awesome bit totally right and then everything else is totally original yeah well i i you know the the the the i'd never seen anything in my life like somebody did the cut online of the mencia bill Cosby from Bill Cosby himself. Yeah, it's awful.

I mean, yeah, that was astonishing. And it's not just that one. No, I know. That was his whole career. No, I know. And that was an interesting thing. But you're right. And I've had people say, hey, so-and-so does that bit. And I go, alright, I won't do it. There's a lot of people that want to take shortcuts

for everything. Absolutely. They want to take shortcuts for every single thing there is. And if there was a way that they could just take someone's song and twist it around a little bit and put it in a record and sell it. This sounds like Back in Black. No, no, no, no. It's Black and Blue. Black. Black and Blue.

I mean, there's fuckers that are like that, man. Yeah, no, no, for sure. Copy something and just sort of rebrand it. But you can't do that in music. They'll fucking sue the shit out of you. Yeah, they'll sue the shit out of you. You can still do it in comedy. No, you can.

And I also think it's hard to... I really do think it's more of just an honor system where you just do your best to do your own stuff. And I always say to people that go, oh, what if someone steals a joke? I'll just write another one. I don't know. Either you can write more or you can't.

If the hour of stuff I was doing right now was the only hour I could ever come up with, then I'm wasting my time here, man. Well, the only thing I ever feel is there's a certain amount of responsibility you have in saying something, because if you don't say something, then he steals from somebody else, and he doesn't say something, he steals from... You sort of almost help the problem if you don't at something, then he steals from somebody else, and he doesn't say something, he steals from, you sort of almost help the problem. Yeah. If you don't,

if you don't at least have a dialogue with the guy. Right. Because you, I mean, you may never know, like you might say something to him, and he might have never stolen anything in his life, and he might have not even known that you did it.

He might have heard somebody else say it somewhere or something, and forgot, and then come up with it. There's weird things that do happen. I know. My friend Mike, who wasn't a thief, who's a young comic,

he fell asleep listening to a fucking Dennis Miller CD. That's amazing. Or a cassette at the time. And he was an open mic-er and then had this perfect Dennis Miller joke the next day. That's amazing. And I go, dude. He's like, more like the place in Mozambique, babe.

And he's like, that's weird. I think it was... Why do I keep shaking my head from side to side with all my jokes now? Hey, who wants a cup of gazpacho? I think it was my grandfather. It was when Reagan was president. He's like, Reagan's 72 and he's got access to the button.

My grandfather's 72. We don't let him use the remote control for the TV. I mean, he said it just like Miller, too. We had to tell him. He's like, fuck. That's so funny. But that's happened to every comic. I think at one point or another, you come up with this great idea and you're just like Miller, too. We had to tell him. He's like, fuck. That's so funny. But that's happened to every comic, I think, at one point or another. You come up with this great idea, and you're like, wait, no.

I think that's Ted Alexandro's bad way to make shit. Yeah. Attell is the best at that. He's the best at it. He'll call you up in the middle of nowhere. Hey, have you ever heard this? And they'll run the joke by you. Oh, you mean he runs it by you.

He's like, have you heard anything like this before? It's too easy. Attell is also one of those guys I find if I listen to too much. He's like one of my favorite comics. Yeah, and I find myself sometimes on Quinn, too. I'm like, those guys are like, look at this guy. And I'm like, wait a minute. I shouldn't be doing that.

You know what you do to cure that? You watch Brody Stevens, and then you'll start'll start saying enjoy it and it'll bounce it out exactly and you're like you'll get he'll Brody Brody's the most addictive to me

I love Brody's yeah but I find myself doing Brody in real life oh that's right oh yeah 818 when Etel does

the thing on stage where he'll say something and somebody gets pulls back and they're like calm down Rebecca you know he doesn't know

anyone's name and he just makes up names I fuck it you know he's like oh look at Carol over here getting all upset you know he's just like he just makes up names I fucking You know He's like Oh look at Carol over here Get it all up chat You know

He's just like Oh my Like he's one of those Conners where I will Occasionally have to walk Out of the room Cause I don't like I'm like gagging for air

You know what I mean He's so good But yeah If I hear it too much Sure it gets You know It can get in your head You know what's funny

About him too man Fucking hates everything he does Wow You talk to him about it He's like Oh I fucking hate that I can't watch it i can't watch myself yeah yeah yeah he's yeah he's he's i don't know i think that's one of the reasons why he's so good yeah i also think he's just kind of such like a purist he's like he's like you know he's about

as legit as you can be yeah oh yeah he's a legit stand-up comic you know he's gotten really into kettlebells what no yeah really yeah did you turn? Yeah, he still smokes. Did you turn him onto that? I don't think so. I think somebody else must have. Really? I don't even know

if we talked about it when he was on the podcast, but he still smokes, but he's been lifting kettlebells. Apparently he's really into it, according to Ari.

Ari told me this. Dave's actually from my hometown, I tell. Where's that? Rockville Center. Where's that? So is Amy Schumer.

Is that Long Island? Yeah. Where's Rockville Center? What's that near? It's like the south Shore, near Garden City. I'm trying to think of towns people know. Oceanside. What year did you start doing stand-up?

I started right when I got out of school. My senior year of college, I did a show in Boston. What year was this? 1999. And then I got a job at the Daily Show basically right out of school, and I started doing stand-up right then, 22. Wow. And were you doing like east side that was

east side wasn't around back then i was doing any first of all i was first thing i was doing i don't think so no i was doing uh gotham bringer shows at gotham which were like you bring six five six people and they do them at like 6 30 at night so they have a packed house yeah and it's all new comics but you know it was basically asking your friends and family to pay for you to do stand-up they do that in la too yeah and it's a smart thing for the club and it gives you a sense of what it's like to be on a real stage it's a great i thought it was a great system and having been from new york i was able to get my five people occasionally but then after you do that four or five times really as well like this is not a sustainable business model you know what i mean yeah and like as generous as it is you know

yeah but at some point you're like i don't want to do every set i do in front of my mom and dad because i need somebody to come you know and uh and then you start you know finding ways to get up in the beginning it was more i did more of producing my own shows i getting up at clubs in new york is hard you know there's a lot of really like you're going up against like a tell you're like i want to do 10 minutes tonight they're like nah they're like first louis coming in then a tell then you know ben ben like you got a lot of great stand-ups living in new york going to those clubs so and it's easy to take a cab from club to club so i was doing a lot of producing my own stuff in bars and basements and stuff and then what you do is you barter stage time with the other guys

yeah so you're like i'll give you 10 minutes of my, you know, it's kind of like a comedy currency. It was a great way to get up on stage and meet other comics and go to like

really shitty basements and do really weird shows and bar. I went to the bar in White Plains, like New York, which is like north of the city.

It's like north of Yonkers. And everyone's there hanging out watching the Yankee game. And all of a sudden, the bartender just shuts off all the TVss and he's like everyone's what the fuck tommy you know like local bar and he's like comedy and he's just like generically points in my direction where i'm standing holding a mic and everyone's like what and then i just said like so uh hey have you guys taken the e-train? What a nightmare. They were like, kill yourself. I mean, I've had a lot of those kind of shows.

I do the exact same type of shows in Boston. We used to do it at this place in Cape Cod. It was me and this guy, Al Ducharme, and some other dude, I forget. And we were out there in the middle of nowhere, and a hockey game was on. It's the same thing. Shut off the fucking hockey game. Yeah. To put up comedy.

It was death. Yeah's the same thing. Yeah. Shut off the fucking hockey game. Yeah. Yeah. To put up comedy. It was death. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then all it is then is an exercise in your ability to sustain humiliation. It's really all it is. There's no... People go, oh, you learn from that shit. You learn not to do comedy in a fucking sports bar when there's a game on.

There's been other ones where they used to do... There was one that Boston Comedy used to book For a little while that was a disco It was like a nightclub And they would stop the music And they wouldn't even have a stage They would turn a spotlight on the dance floor And you would stand You would stand there with a bunch of people who were standing

And you'd do stand up That's incredible I've done rooms where the room That's incredible Nick DiPaolo did it He almost got in a fight with somebody And I think that's when they shut it down. I bet DiPaolo did well.

He can fucking handle that. He knows how to handle that kind of shit. He can handle anything. But, yeah, he's another guy who's like, I love him. Oh, my God. Some of his stuff. He's so funny. He's so good.

He's a good dude, too. Yeah, he's great. I mean, that's the thing I have found with comedy. When I first started, I remember it feeling like like oh man like this everyone in this is like weird and competitive but then as you do it for a while and you get past that first stage of like crazy just looking for five minutes here and there and you really start to get to know like real professional comedians and people who do it there is a like weird bond between people who do stand-up like it's a I've only had I mean you know I can't say 100 hundred percent of the time and it's a 95% of the time I've met other stand-up comedians at whatever level I've had a

pretty easy time to chat with them and get along with them like it's once once you're past that like going on IMDB and see what the other guys are doing stage and you get comfortable and who you are you know yeah I don't know that's been my experience I don't know yeah my experience too it's it's well i ran into um i what the fuck did i run into i forget who it was um but we were just having this exact same conversation god damn it who was it i forgot damn it i hate when i can't pull up a fucking name but uh we're having this exact same conversation and it seems like when you run into how many comics are there is there even a thousand professional comedians in the country?

So if you're running into one at the airport. It seems like right now there's like ten thousand. I don't know. That's how I feel. Oh, it was Mario Joyner. That's who I ran into. Mario Joyner, who was the host of MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour. I ran into him at the airport on the way to Toronto.

And we were having the same sort of conversation. It's like as soon as you see someone at the comic, you're like, hey, I've barely talked to that guy five times in my life. And he's like an old friend. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like, because you kind of, especially like, I've been on the road this last year, you know,

and I'm not out of stage. Like, I'm headlining, but I don't have fans. Like, I don't have people come see me. So if I go to like Zany's in Chicago or I go to like Helium in Philly, or just in Madison, places where like, there's fans of The Daily Show, to like helium in philly or uh i was just in madison places where like there's fans of the daily show probably more than not and they promote it pretty well i could sell out a room that holds like 150 to 200 but if i go down to like tampa on a wednesday

night in some of those rooms great like i i love all those rooms like size players and so i love those kind of rooms but they're big clubs and you And you go on a Wednesday night, nobody comes. You know what I mean? By Saturday, there's some people in there, but Wednesday night, there's like 50 people in a room that holds 400. You're like, hey. And people are just hammered, pooping on themselves, whatever. So it's like I've...

But when you have those experiences and you meet other people who've had those experiences, you have a lot... Just eating. I've tried now to eat as healthy as i can but when i'm on the road i just don't even try because it's you're in like a hotel in fucking kentucky right and like i this is what i say to people you know when you're driving on the highway and sometimes you see a guy walking on the highway i'm like that's probably a stand-up comedian because like you stay in hotels don't have a car and they're like yeah there's an applebee's across the highway yeah and it's like

guess i gotta walk a highway like it's a weird it's a weird thing so you end up doing this stuff other people do that most adult humans wouldn't do so you have these like a lot of things to bond over you know well just the job itself being so strange yeah coming up with a bunch of shit in your head and saying it on stage oh totally in front of a microphone with a spotlight on you oh yeah very bizarre and the psychology behind it very few people are gonna really relate yeah but if you run into a comic it's like wow yeah you've you fucking played that room too so you know you 've been to charlie goodnights on a saturday night you know the country western bar is next door remember that spot we went next door once we were at the charlie good nights went next door and there was a country western bar with a bowl a mechanical bowl packed to the gills and

people were singing songs you've never heard in your life and everyone knows the fucking words they're all singing along and it's america yeah it's not like we're in pakistan and they're jamming in you're like well i I'm not from this country, so I don't understand what you know the words They they are all singing along the songs. You've never fucking heard in your life. Oh, really? I thought you were gonna say like the classics, you know, like Alabama Like you know how you sing to Sweet Home Alabama come everybody knows that song, right? It's like that but a song that you've never fucking heard of. Real country music.

Some real country. Yeah, yeah. Like, yeah. Get her done. It's like a Travis Tritt. Travis Tritt tune's on. Yeah. And you're like, I.

They go nuts. Yeah. That's a whole different part of the world, man. Yeah, yeah. It is. You ever gone to a place and they start talking to you about NASCAR? Yeah, I've gone to places where they don't like me a lot. Just because, like, I always feel like the whole thing with stand-up,

when people say like, well, there's a weird thing you have to get over in the beginning, which is you're kind of an asshole for wanting to do it, right? Because you're basically saying to people, not only do I think I'm funny, I think I'm so funny that you should sit here, not talk, pay money, and hear what I have to say. You should sit here, not talk, pay money, and hear what I have to say. So I always feel like if people don't know you and you don't already have their trust as a performer, they just see some guy coming in the room going, oh, here comes some guy who thinks he's funny. And I've found that I end up in conversations with people in places I don't want to talk to them or about things I don't want to talk to

about and i i in a weird way i really like it like i really like going to places in america that i probably wouldn't have traveled to and like talking to like people who are not from the universe i'm in and hearing their perspective on shit like it's kind of interesting it's very interesting yeah it's very interesting to to talk to people that are just as confident in their beliefs which are polar opposite of yours and some of them like you know you'll go to some places in the deep south especially they'll just assume that you are you're on their side about certain things so they just start chiming in about yeah whatever you know fill in the blank about well this fucking welfare state

or you know i also feel that sometimes though there is that perception and then there's also the flip side which is not everybody is the stereotype of what you think those places are supposed to be so you end up getting in a conversation with people you're like yeah I don't know maybe my view on again like I said we were talking about four guns

yeah I totally understand the second amendment I'm pro second amendment at the same time. I do think we can, you know, tone it down somehow. Like, we just modify it like we should with some other stuff. But, man, you get in a conversation like that with people, and you find a lot of people go, no, I actually agree with you, man. Like, I love guns, and I hunt, and this and that. But, like, you know, I don't know that it should be that easy to get them.

You know what I'm saying? Like, you get, like, there's a... I find that most people are actually pretty reasonable you know and that they like extreme extreme people are not are not the majority at least my experience they're not the majority there's a small percentage but they're so vocal and so obsessed with it angry yeah that's with everything with everything you know you ever go to a men's rights page and read a men's rights forum? Holy fuck. Yeah, that's another one where you're going, huh?

You know, I don't know. It's a tough, that's a tough train to jump on, you know, men's rights. I mean, look, I don't think the guy should get fucked over in divorces, which seems to be the only issue. The only issue to me seems to be, like, child custody and financial support. That's it. Those are the only, I don't see any other issues i i think where else are men getting i mean maybe there's something else but maybe i'm missing it but i don't know i think it depends on the divorce like i think that um that depending on what went on in that relationship is really the determining fact i mean i guess it's more common for the

women to get kids and more money but i think if you're getting kids, then yeah, you should get the fucking money. It's a guy's responsibility to take care of his kids, even if they get divorced. Unless she did something to endanger the family. You know what I mean? I think a lot of times, divorces are more one-sided

maybe than we realize. My point is, I think a lot of times guys are the dick you know well sometimes women are evil though man that's i've had friends that have been involved in evil divorces yeah i've had several friends that lost a shitload of money and they just got just scammed yeah they got scammed i i can bring you a bunch of stories which i i just don't want to talk about them on the air but about good friends fucking lost everything they worked for for like a decade yeah they got a job I know that it happens on both sides well we're over and men get

fucked over Phil bird does that bit on his last batch thing was his last one the you people are all the same where he's talking about we have a gold digging like whore problem this country yeah it's like it's where he's talking about we have a uh gold digging like horror problem in this country yeah it's like it's unbelievable he's like that's an epidemic like nobody taught arnold schwarzenegger how to handle that level of life you know right he just goes through what schwarzenegger accomplished to get to where he is and he's like he just makes him a sympathetic character that's hilarious it's incredible yeah and he's like this guy we have him a sympathetic character. That's hilarious. It's incredible. Yeah. And he's like, we have a gold digging whore problem.

So he was calling Schwarzenegger's main gold digging whore? Well, yeah. He was just, I think he's calling Schwarzenegger's main gold. Again, I'm paraphrasing. Yeah, I want to see it. Yeah, you got to see it. But that special is one of the best hours I've ever seen. I love Bill. Yeah, he's incredible.

Yeah, he's funny as shit. Yeah, he's incredible. Yeah, he's funny as shit. Yeah, he's incredible. He always has some great points. He has this great bit that I was listening to the other day about women saying that being a mom is the hardest job in the world. I don't think you do the hardest job in the world in your fucking pajamas. I know. It's so funny because I thought it would be being a redhead roofing in August. I know.

It's so funny because I thought it would be being a redhead roofing in August. Dude, he talks about guns in that special. And he's saying how he wanted to buy a gun and the guy wanted a shotgun. You know, like the guy was trying to sell him on a shotgun. And the guy's like, it's got a good spray. It's got a good spray. And he goes, look, I just want to hit the bad guy. I don't want to be doing all sorts of drywall work. He's like, I don't want to. He goes, I don't want to have to reframe my diplomas and get a new parakeet.

I just want to hit the bad guy. Get a new parakeet. I must have rewatched that 50 fucking times. That's really funny. Reframe my diplomas. That's really funny. But that's special. That hour is just like,

and there are moments in that special, live on stage in this huge theater where he's talking about hitting women, things that you just would be so scared to talk about, and he feels the room back away, and he goes, don't pull away. He's like, don't back away. He goes at them.

It's, I don't know. It's just, the guy's, this is good. He's the epitome of boston comedy that boston style of attack comedy attack comedy and like owning your perspective owning your shit you thought it through you're gonna fight your fights it's so yeah yeah he has this funny bit too about black people uh being uh they they get called racist less than white people just because of where they put the word fuck okay he goes because a black guy will go so yo there was this asian motherfucker and he you know and nobody nobody

hits a beat but if you go yeah oh this fucking asian yeah it's like he goes i said the same thing but i'm racist well because i put the fuck in the wrong part put it in the wrong spot yeah really funny man that's very funny. It's so true. Yep. Because if you were like this Asian fucker, that's like a cool guy. An Asian fucker would be a cool guy. But a fucking Asian is a dude who's screwing you over somewhere.

Or it's a guy who doesn't like Asians. Right. It's like another one. A fucking Asian. Who bought the new house? A fucking Asian. Exactly. Ah, Jesus.

This Asian motherfucker. Oh, cool. You can fucking go over and have some food have that motherfucker over for a barbecue have that motherfucker over for a barbecue totally different

that's really funny yeah well this is a good time for comedy isn't it it's like it's a good time to like see different comics there's so many

funny comics out now I agree too I also think it's cool you know I think the internet is a cool way to like be exposed to people. Oh, yeah.

And see different styles. I'm always so happy. Like I said, I go to these clubs and they'll pair you up with a middle act or features or whatever. The same thing, but over an opener. And there are a lot of guys out there that are just good. They're just really good. They got interesting perspectives. They're funny people. And there's a couple of comics out there that are just good. They're just really good. They got like interesting perspectives, funny people. And like, you know, there's a couple of comics in Austin I've worked with.

They're like fucking hysterical, man. And they're local dudes. And they're like, yeah, they haven't like jumped on the plane yet to LA, you know what I mean? Or New York, wherever they want to do it next. But, you know, that's the really cool thing about comedy is like, I mean, I was from New York and working at the Daily Show. So I didn't do anything but try to get up there,

which is, you know, always hard, still is hard. But I did a – but there's these guys who live in these cities, and there's a whole scene, a whole comedy scene, and they get tons of stage time. So they get really, really good. They go to these smaller markets like Atlanta. I did a place called The Laughing Skull in Atlanta. Yeah, I've been to that spot. It's like 80 people. It's dope. And they have unlimited stage time. They're like, yeah've been to that spot. It's like 80 people. It's dope.

And they have unlimited stage time. They're like, yeah, just whatever, man. Have fun. You're like, okay. I will have fun. It's not like 45 minutes. Come on. We've got to flip the tables.

It's just like, yeah, enjoy yourself. That's what we do here at the Laughing Skull. All the comics are there. They're cool. They're good. They're funny. It's like, oh, there's a whole way to get good at this without having to you know beg people to give you 10 minutes which is which is nice yeah well it should there should be a

bunch of different options but it's cool when a club like the laughing skull comes along we have like one club which is sort of the epicenter of creativity yeah you know like they're not making a lot of money there they can't be they're they're having good comics i'm sure they're paying the bills and stuff but it's not motivated by that well there's a real feeling to that place yeah it's the it's the restaurant bar that's attached to it that's i think making the money yeah which is killer too by the way they have some of the best fucking cheeseburgers ever eaten well it's a real like southern grease pit it's so good i actually did a couple like after each show i'd like to have a to-go whatever gross thing I ordered.

And, you know, that's, like, another thing you always can bond with comics about is, like, the gross thing you ate in your hotel room. Like, just waking up, like, you know, like, going out, doing a gig in Philly, going home, stopping, getting a cheesesteak, and going in a room, just, like, leaning over the desk in a Hyatt, like, devouring a cheesesteak, and then getting right into bed. It was, like, just terrible terrible decision making, you know. I've done that many times. I was going to wear my Greasy Tony's t-shirt today. Yeah. I found it. I was cleaning out my closet.

I threw out a bunch of shirts, you know, like old stupid MMA t-shirts that people would give me. I just had stacks of shit that I've been throwing away. And this Greasy Tony's shirt. Damn. Yeah, no charge for extra grease. There used to be this place, Greasy Tony's, which is across the street from the Tempe Improv. Okay. And it was the quintessential late night, take it back to your hotel room, eat it.

You'd wake up, your room would smell like pepper and steak. What was it called? The Garbage Pail? The Garbage Pail. Yeah, that was his big one. He had a big sandwich called the Garbage Pail. And everything was in it. Peppers and tomatoes and lettuce and steak. oh my god it was ridiculous did you just see the grease stains on like the

hilton blotter on the desk from the guy before you he died of a heart attack oh shocker yeah who saw that coming yeah shocking news flash he was a great guy unhealthy guy who cooks things called garbage sandwiches that died of heart attack well we saw him after like a bunch of years you know we we see him there every year one year he heart attack. Well, we saw him after a bunch of years. We see him there every year. One year he wasn't there, and then we saw him the next year. Apparently he'd had a heart attack and then had heart surgery,

and he lost a ton of weight, and you could tell the end was nigh. Yeah, one wants to cut you open. And then the next time we came back, he was dead. Yeah. He was nice. But it was one of those spots. Tempe Improv, you ever do that place?

No. Oh, it's great. It's great, great, great club. It's a wild town. Those people fucking party. There was a few places that every time we were in that city, we were always like, we gotta go to, like, Biba's or whatever. Was that called in Houston across the street?

They had that cheese? Mm-hmm. The melted cheese. I think it was Biba's. They had that cheese. Yeah, the Greek place. The Greek place. Yeah, Biba's.

I love it. I fucking forget the name, man. It went under, too. Didn't that place go under? Yeah, I think it was Biba. Yeah, the Greek place. The Greek place. Yeah, Biba. I love it. I fucking forget the name, man. It went under, too. Didn't that place go under? Yeah, I think so. Or it got flooded. Well, that club went under, so no one goes down there anymore anyway. Yeah.

That was a perfect example. Houston was an incredible place for comedy. Yeah. But it was all because of the laugh stop. The laugh stop in River Oaks. Oh, my God, what a club. Really? What a club.

It was fantastic. I recorded my first CD there in 1999. That's sick. The place was the best. I know, they just closed down. Just went under. The guy who was running it was this crazy dude who a lot of people implicated with getting, like, people were mad at him.

He got drugs, allegedly, for some comedians and could have included hedberg allegedly oh gotcha yeah so he like well he was running the club but apparently he was siphoning money allegedly it was i love that you're saying allegedly allegedly yeah these are strange times i know i know it's true um i'm not even saying his name but either way that guy for all his faults was the reason why comedy was so like big and that he like completely supported open mics completely supported like young talent completely supported local talent it had a good open mind when it came to comedy really wanted to do the right thing it just wasn't really his club he was like working for it and you know he kind of he led everybody to believe that it was his club

gotcha there was really an actual owner behind it. Yeah, and then he... The books were cooked, allegedly. But man, when we were working there, it was amazing. It was the perfect setup. The stage was perfect. The audience was perfect. It was one of the proudest places that I like...

God, I didn't have to laugh stop. To me, it was like where Kinnison started out. All right. Hicks started out there. Yeah, like it meant something to you. Well, I find that a lot of the times I've had, not a lot of the times, but there's been a few times

where I've gone to clubs that are new. There was one in New York that opened a couple years ago that I loved called Comics. And a lot of comics didn't like it because it looked too glitzy and nice. But I used to do a lot of sets there. If you packed the place, it was a really great room.

But they treated you almost too well. You were confused? Yeah. Well, no. There was a green room. And then there would be a menu. They'd be like, order anything you want. And it was like, this place can't sustain.

There's no way you can feed comics like that and keep this place going. There's no way. It's New York City. The rent must have been 50 grand a week, a month, whatever. So all of a sudden, over time. And again, I love this club but we'd be sitting in the green room and then you know there used to be menus and like fiji water and things holy shit like this like a tuesday night show we're doing for like 50 people or if

that and there's fucking unlimited and then all of a sudden near the end all of a sudden you go in the green room and the menu was just like sliders there was like one thing on the menu now and then it was like a thing of water, a pitcher of water. You know what I mean? And then like you started, yeah. Like they started to just scale back on all that stuff. And that's when you were like, this place is, this place isn't, this is going down. You just, and then all of a sudden they were doing things where after comedy, they were

having DJs come in for like late night dance parties. And I'm like, yeah, shit. It was like. Was that the one that was connected to the hotel where you could just go up? No, no, no. That was the one that was in to the hotel where you could just go up? No. No, that was the one that was in an area that's not known for live entertainment. 14th. It's right in the meatpacking, 14th and 9th.

It used to be a bar called, shit, what was it called? It was an old, it was like a throwback saloon kind of bar that they used to have in New York. I can't think of the name of it. It was kind of famous. And they had peanut shells on the floor. It was like a coyote ugly type of place. And I once went there. I went with her one time when I was in college.

And I saw a guy in a wheelchair get into a fight with a guy not in a wheelchair. And he won. It was one of the more amazing things I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, like a bar fight, except one of the dudes was in a wheelchair. And he launched himself out of the wheelchair, tackled this guy, and was just pummeling this dude.

Oh, my God. Yeah, it was one of those bar fights that happened so quick. You just sort of go, is that dude, did that guy just jump out of a wheelchair? And then it got broken up, and he just kind of like- Crawled back to his wheelchair? No, he barely even crawled. He just forehand things in a spring spring and he was back in his chair. It was like, wow, that dude's fucking, that guy's for real, you know?

That's when I pitched my wheelchair fighting show, which never went. Cripple fight. Well, you ever seen those wheelchair basketball guys? Yeah. Those motherfuckers can move. Oh, they're serious fucking athletes, yeah. But that was a really weird bar. Like for New York City, that was not like, that was before everything kind of turned in that area like it was a really like shady the kind of place

where like dude's got into fights with guys in wheelchairs you know like yeah those areas that used to be shady and aren't shady anymore that's amazing to me how that happens oh yeah they're not buying up real estate they're unaffordable yeah absolutely the new york city has become completely offensively unaffordable yeah i looked at some places when I was there last. Like, if I lived here, what could I afford? And it's like, what, that costs what? That's an apartment, huh? How much is that a month?

What are you fucking kidding me? The standard used to be, if you were to buy a place, like maybe eight, nine years ago, ten years ago, it would be like $1,000 a square foot. So 1,000 square feet was a million bucks bucks and that's like without a view or whatever right now those prices are even higher i think some of the listings i've seen and now in queens like neighborhoods that you i don't care like like i've like i'm from long island queens is part of long island right there it's like 10 minutes probably from where i grew up um but now you're starting to see these

neighborhoods you're saying are flipping in queens are like long island city is the coolest you got to get a place there now those apartments are a thousand bucks a square foot and they're outside the fucking midtown tunnel and i'm like listen i i don't care who you're selling on fucking queens it's queens like it's gonna be queens it's not gonna not be Queens like don't buy a place there for a million dollars But what about Brooklyn Brooklyn didn't used to be Brooklyn Brooklyn is same thing. Yeah, Brooklyn completely turned. Yeah, I mean it's really turned around I mean, it's like a horrible real estate guy clearly because even in Brooklyn like yeah, look at these idiots in Williamsburg You know, I don't know what they're doing But yeah, my friend had a place in Brooklyn that was almost better than living in Manhattan.

Yeah. Brooklyn's awesome. Well, he had a place where he was across the river, but he had this top floor of this apartment where you would look out and you'd see the most insane city. Because you saw the city and the water from a distance. I was like, dude, you might have the best view in the world. It might be worth living in Brooklyn just for this view. Well, that's what

they're selling in Queens because you're right on the other side of the river, so you're looking right at Midtown. That view's insane. It's amazing.

It's almost better than being in it because when you're in it, you're like butted up with all these other buildings. Yeah, absolutely. Shane's got a spot, Shane Smith's got a spot

like on the river. Yeah, that's sweet. And you like look out from his living room. It's just all glass. You're like, what the fuck? But places like that, if you got got them i don't know him or when he got his place but it's like the that kind of real estate was like a home run 15 years ago you know what i mean

but now it's it's all been discovered like the city is completely it's just it's unaffordable to be quite honest thing is like if you look at it from jersey it doesn't look as good like you really want to be in like brook you want to be like right there on it like have you ever seen the views of uh like up doheny in the hollywood hills yes dude at night time you can't believe how cool it looks it looks like you're in a science fiction movie i know it's crazy because you're on you're on a hill looking down at the light grid of LA. Yeah. And it's magical. It's almost cooler than the stars. It really is.

It looks a lot like you're above them. Yeah. It's very cool. It's the best view in all of LA. LA has some great views. The views of the ocean is pretty badass. The views of the mountains are pretty badass. But the view over Doheny, looking those, any of those really high spots.

Those Hollywood Hills spots are full of shit. Those are scary places though, man. Yeah. Those Hollywood Hills houses get robbed. Do they? Yeah. That's where like the men, Girls Gone Wild, whatever his name is. Yeah, that guy.

Joe something or another. He got fucking ass, something like that. I think it might have been personal. Somebody might have done something to him up there. But people like Ice-T got home invaded up there really yeah i know a dude who was in the middle of the night someone tried to break into his house shit yeah that's scary yeah i know a guy got murdered up there what keanu reeves the other day had two people break into his house in the same day and one of them was naked yeah but doesn't he know doesn't he know jujitsu I know jujitsu that's a victory on his part that's a that's guy did not know that I don't know how much about the the LA area I just I started living I got a

place out here and I was digging it man I was really into it now I'm going back to do this other thing in New York for a while so I like it out here a lot well the nice thing is the weather the weather's awesome yeah but i don't know also just the lifestyle there is a difference like when i first got here a couple months ago or a year ago i was thinking like oh man people out here like don't work what the fuck you know in new york people are working like oh well look i was saying how expensive it is like you gotta work 11 hours just keep the lights on there right but then you realize here not that it's it's it's definitely cheaper real estate wise but it's also the style of living is not there's like more people like

have lunch and like ride their bikes and like exercises like there's i don't have more free time than you start realizing oh that's a whole other way to live i kind of like this way to live you know you don't have to just be like turning the work machine it feels like people work at a tv show they go on a hiatus, they float for a couple months, and they pick up another gig. They're not like, at least that was my perception. Maybe it's also, like you said, also the amount of money that you need to spend to live in New York.

You kind of have to work like that. All the time, yeah. I don't know. It's like the culture there. It's like people don't ever, and half the jobs, not even half, it feels like a majority of the jobs in New York are just jobs where you sell money to make money. Because all these Wall Street guys. So there's not even like...

An industry. They're not even contributing. It's not like shoes are coming off an assembly line. They're just like, here's some paper. Here's more paper. Here's more money. And then they're like, jet ski. Woo-hoo.

It's like this unstoppable wealth machine. It's kind of gross. And it's already... They've become accustomed to it. Nobody wants to abandon it. No. They love it. No, yeah. And it's like this hedge fund thing.

It's super wealth. The Young Turks had this thing that they were doing about the presidential campaigns. And they have something on their website where you can write in people who you'd like to see run for president instead of you know hillary clinton or whatever and they were talking about how much money hillary clinton has gotten from banks just recently yeah from goldman sachs like doing speaking engagements like hundreds of thousands of dollars just recently uh-huh yeah just to give these sympathetic speeches about how people don't understand the banks aren't that bad and this is all the good whatever it takes yeah and you know you're not going to stand on your principles when you're looking to raise money those people are just they're making too much money they're fucking using exactly what you said

using numbers moving ones and zeros and taking big percentages of those movements and no one understands how or why only do people that understand it but like it really makes you feel like the economy is all make-believe anyway, right? Because it's like this weird thing where you look at your computer screen, and there's numbers on it. And then when you buy something, those numbers go down. But then you have the thing. Sometimes with my credit card, I hand somebody my credit card, and then they give me said item. I'm like, I just get to leave with this now?

I've never really given you anything. You realize that you just swiped a thing and like it's like sign this thing yeah it's just like a weird there's like this weird lack of actual exchange that's occurring you know and so these guys have like figured out that system somehow well they have but they have only because of the need for a third-party system and that's where bitcoin and things like that get very interesting and terrifying for people that run things right now financially because if digital currency gets adopted and it is adopted in a lot of ways now like there's a lot of things you can buy and pay for in Bitcoin there's a lot of people are doing

shows where you could pay for their show in Bitcoin they're buying televisions and Tiger Direct is selling computers with Bitcoin I think Dell's using Bitcoin too, right? I think I might be wrong about that. But if that catches on, then this whole business goes away because there's no third party. If you sell microphones and I say, hey, Rory, I want to buy a microphone, how many Bitcoin is it?

And you tell me how much and I give it to you and we're done. It's just between you and me. It's just a current, yeah, it's like a private currency. Not only that, the IRS doesn't know how to handle it. They're calling it property. They're not saying it's income i bet they'll figure out a way to make money on it though oh yeah without doubt yeah well they're figuring out a way to make money on marijuana well that's the whole to me though that's the only really that i mean i guess

now it's becoming legal all over the country but it feels like you know if they want to make money like just tax weed and make it legal like you know that's gonna get us Hundreds of millions yeah Very quickly like it's just like that's it like everybody wants it and then you'll make money and then whatever take some extra money for it At least it's not Italy. I mean people go to jail. Yeah, we'd still it's it's also it's it's Fucking it's fucking up this economy because you're giving people money in a way if you make it illegal you're giving people you they're gonna sell It they're just gonna so you're giving people money in a way if you make it illegal you're giving people you they're gonna sell it they're just gonna so you're giving people money and you're you're figuring out some sort of a way where they have to juke the system they're not going to pay taxes on it you're not going to get

your cut in colorado they get 39 like if you buy a joint 39 goes to taxes and everybody's like okay yeah everybody's like who cares it's still it's still fairly cheap yeah it's still a couple bucks for a joint or whatever it turns out to be you go out for drinks how much do you spend everybody buys a drink it's $5 you buy a round for your buddies

it's $30 at the end of the night you're out a few hundred bucks if you have a couple hundred bucks of weed you're in a fucking coma for a week you might not survive you might be the first guy to die from a couple hundred dollars of weed you're in a fucking coma for a week no shit you might not survive you might

be the first guy to die from a couple hundred dollars of weed but that's why it's like that's why it's uh i think that there's the hesitations though i think that there's a lot of like big business concern about what does that mean oh definitely you know i mean like you know alcohol companies tobacco companies like all all sorts of big bribe politicians kind of industries are worried but medic uh what do you call it? Prescription drug companies. People that are concerned that they won't be controlling this substance that people can... It's a lot easier to grow pot in your backyard than it is to stomp grapes and make wine, I think. No doubt.

I don't know. Well, it's also they have a real problem when you're running any sort of a giant corporation is that your business has to increase every year. It's these unlimited growth models. Right. Those are ridiculous. Yeah. Because if you have stockholders, you have to make the money.

And we're up 5% this quarter. Right. Well, if you keep going, you're going to have all the money on the planet. Right. How is that possible? It's so weird. Yeah, you're right. You can't keep going if you're open for another 100 years of business.

It seems to me that if I do my calculations, IBM or fucking Apple, you have all the money. Yeah. If you keep growing, you own everything. Yeah. At a certain point in time, that sounds ridiculous. Well, there's going to be like four companies in the whole world. It's getting there now anyway, especially as they start to combine. Well, so they all have to be terrified about any potential loss in revenue.

So potential loss in revenue because of legalization of things, even if they came up with a potential loss in revenue, but it would cure Ebola. There's a lot of companies that would be like, fuck that. We're not losing money. Fuck those Africans. Hey, if they want to fucking play with bodies over there, go at it. I think that that's a very accurate, from my understanding of it, which is limited, I won't pretend it's not, but it's like from my understanding of it which is limited i won't pretend it's not but it's like from my

understanding of it it seems that the the straight up hardcore business mentality is the only thing that matters is the is the bottom line is how much we made and and that's the job that they have is to just make sure those numbers get high and then then it becomes a sort of thing well who's to tell them what they should or shouldn't do with that money and that's the you know that's a larger argument they go well you know government's taking tax on any of that money so technically they're giving a lot of it away you know that's not anyway so then why do they have to cure ebola why can't they just get a crystal bathtub like what's the fucking who's to say they can't right and that's where you get into this like what i call like the soup of america

right now where it's just like people are mad that there's like these super rich people but then there's another group of people who are poor and being told that someday they will be super rich so they should protect the super rich people and then there's the left who just feels like oh no no no everybody's got to just everyone should have an equal share of everything and i don't know you know you can't have an equal share well some people don't equal work and that's that's the opinion of the right you know i agree with that opinion yeah i don't think everybody does equal work and deserves equal pay but at the same time like there is a sector of the population that has not had an equal opportunity to succeed and that those that's a reality like that those people have not had an opportunity that's the big point right yeah that's the number one thing so i

think so yeah because so it's like you can't compare my childhood to some kid from the inner city. Or you can't compare some kid from the inner city to Africa. No, exactly. These people that have grown up in these mud huts in Africa where, you know, the fucking Ebola lady who died in the hut next door and the husband's trying to pretend she's not dead and the whole city gets sick. I mean, that guy's got it way fucking worse than anybody in America ever. For sure.

But I mean, talking strictly, because once you start getting into international problems, like, that's where it really gets fucked up. Here's where it's really fucked up. Somebody just told me this the other day. I forget who it was. The real 1%, the real 1%, when you talk about the 1% of the people that make the most wealth in this world, if you make $35,000 a year, you're in the upper 1% for the planet.

For the planet? For the planet. Okay. $35,000 a year. If you make $35,000 a year, you're in the upper 1% for the planet. Hmm. Wrap your fucking head around that.

Is that a true? No, I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I'm just repeating it. Yeah, fuck it. You're totally wrong. I should Google it. I will Google it right now. I'll Google it. No, but I do think that's a true no i mean i don't know where's that coming from yeah yeah i'll google it no but i do think that's true i think that like it you know when you start strictly speaking domestically because if you start going internationally it gets

really complicated because even with global warming people talk about like changing you know how we live on the planet but it's like we that's not just america but you'd really technically have to get the entire world in on that shit i don't know if you've seen like what's pumping out of the sky in china but it's not so scary it ain't it ain't pretty you know so even if we turn our shit around like you know the world is you see that volcano joe in japan yeah dude i you it's so funny you said that because i was on this uh this run last night of researching super volcanoes. Really? Yeah, I'm a fucking idiot, man.

What was the point? You were just scared of an eruption? Well, I went into Yellowstone and I was reading about Yellowstone and about how often it's blown and how many people have died. And then I found out there's one actually in California. There's one in California. Where? There's one in Northern California. There's one in California. Where? There's one in like northern California.

There's a caldera volcano. Really? Yeah. That it hasn't blown in, you know, X amount of 100,000 years, but there's one in California and then there's the Yellowstone. Oh, you mean old man steam pipe? Well, there's an even bigger one in Indonesia that they think might have been responsible for the reason why all human beings come from like a group of original humans.

They think that the one that happened in Indonesia was so fucking big 75 million years ago or whatever it was, or 75,000 years ago, that it killed so many fucking people that there was like very few people left. that there was like very few people left and that we all came from the survivors of this extreme cold front that washed over the entire country or the entire world and put the world into essentially an ice age. Yeah. And nothing, nothing anybody could do about that. It doesn't matter how much plastic is in the ocean. It doesn't matter how much you clean up the streets.

The much matter, how much you stop the gentrification of Brooklyn and fucking give back to the poor. If that motherfucker blows, that's a wrap. Yeah. If that motherfucker blows, there's not much anybody can do but try to figure out a way to can food and preserve as much nutrients as you can and bags and get underground. And you probably bring some fucking vitamin D because you're not going to get any from

the sun for the next decade or so. Well, you bring a tanning bed. Let's be realistic. You bring a high-end tanning bed. Vitamin D. The video of the tourists with all the ashes just coming right towards them

and they're still finding bodies in this ash. It was, I guess, knee deep. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Man. That's so scary. That's really scary.

It's scary that they can't predict that shit too. It just sort of blows, man. It just boom. Yeah. Well, they can't predict that shit too it just sort of blows man just boom yeah well they can't really yep it's thirty four thousand dollars globally thirty four thousand dollars a year you're in the top one percent that's crazy that's crazy that's absolutely crazy that's what's really going on in the world that's that's that's what should scare the fucking shit out of everybody yeah no it is that's real disparity yeah it is real disparity we do take uh we take most of what we have i think for granted i mean uh you know it's

like you ever like i was when i flew in here you know it's like they they got on the pa on the plane they go oh you know the wi-fi is down on the plane you hear people like oh really ck has a whole bit about that oh does he really yeah oh there's always the one about exactly uh is that the one about then what you fly like a god no no no no he's like everything is awesome and nobody's happy oh right yeah i don't know that bit the wi-fi shutting down the plane that's exactly oh really so there you go yeah yeah i know i have not a piece of shit doesn't work yeah he's like it goes to space yeah well no that's is that this in the same bit where he says and then what you fly like a greek

myth oh yeah okay so yeah that's from hilarious i don't know he talked about wi-fi and planes Is that in that same bit where he says, and then what? You fly like a Greek myth? Oh, yeah. I think so, yeah. That's from Hilarious. I didn't know he talked about Wi-Fi in planes because I thought that was... Well, he did. Again, not even trying to do a bit. So, again, perfect example of what we're talking about. Not trying to do a bit, but just the idea of we do take. And Louis, I think, is on the forefront of bringing all that shit up.

That's why he's so fucking awesome. It's just like we're always unhappy and we take everything for granted. The thing that opened my eyes to that more than anything was when I did a USO, That's why he's so fucking awesome. It's just like we're always unhappy and we take everything for granted and there is that I Couldn't the thing that opened my eyes to that more than anything was why I did a USO stand-up tour last summer in Afghanistan and hung out with those fucking guys and was like not only am I a huge pussy which was had been confirmed years ago, but I have no like I have No bet like right to even fucking bitch about the kind of shit that I have Yeah, you couldn't can think of to complain about yeah, no right to even fucking bitch about the kind of shit that I can think of to complain about. Yeah, no right, zero.

Yeah, zero right. And I really have made an effort, concerted effort, to not let that kind of shit bother me anymore. Even when people talk about AT&T versus Verizon, you fucking get like, dude, it's a fucking touchscreen computer in your pocket. Like, whatever, 10 years ago, you couldn't even imagine the shit you could do on this. You know, people are fucking like, ugh. It's amazing. If he's got a fucking signal and I don't, I'm pissed. I don't care what you say.

Yeah. Well, the other thing is. He's downloading shit and I can't even check my email. Well, the reverse part of the argument is, but I'm also spending like 200 bucks a month for it. So, like, it better fucking work, you know? Right. That's the other part of the argument, you know? Well, how much

should it be worth? What's the realistic number? Of what? How much should a phone be worth? It should be worth, like, a million dollars. I mean, this fucking phone.

Right. How much can it do for you? But that's when you... You think about what a phone actually does do for you? But when they're built by slaves, Joe, they don't have to...

That's where it gets tricky. They don't have to... Yeah, you know, that's, again, where you get into the hypocrisy of all things where you can't ever escape unintentionally being a hypocrite you can't ever escape unintentionally

being a hypocrite. Well, not even unintentionally. Let's just put willfully ignorant at the top of the list. If anybody that's super progressive, I'm only a vegan, I'm only trying to save the whales, I don't want to harm anything, but I have a fucking iPhone. Yeah. It's a human right to shoot. You have a little bottle of conflict minerals in your hand.

You sure do. Yeah. That shit came out of an African boy dug that shit out of a hole in the ground with a stick. Yeah. That's probably the origin of the minerals, the Coltrane inside your phone. Yeah. And then like a suicidal worker in a Chinese factory put this thing together on like two hours of sleep and like a 30 hour work day.

With a place that has nets all around the building. So that when they do or if they jump, they might not die. I had this conversation with somebody about that. It's pretty fucked, it's actually very fucked up and we just deal with it because whatever, man,

what am I going to do? Not have a phone, you know? Yeah, we accept it. There was a company for a while that was trying to do a Fairphone. Remember that?

Google that Fairphone. See if that, whatever happened with that. They were like, they were only going to do like 3G and people were like, what?

What about 4G LTE? Fuck this Fairphone. And everybody just abandoned them. Take out the whips, boys people were like, what? What about 4G LTE? Fuck this Fairphone. And everybody just abandoned them. Take out the whips, boys. We need 4G. No conflict minerals. They were going to do it. It was going to be ethical.

It was going to cost a little bit more. Ethical phone. Oh, Fairphone. There it is. But what I was going to say, I had this conversation with a friend, and he was like, well, did you know that the people that jump off the building in China, it's actually the same percentage commit suicide of those factories as the national average i go yeah but how many of the national average kill themselves while they're at work yeah they're killing themselves and he's like yeah but they work there and they live there too i'm

like yeah see that's the problem right in other words you can't oh well if it's the national average like it still seems like if a guy who made my phone wanted to kill himself, it's still a little bit of, it should be a little bit of guilt in every fucking call. Yeah, that fucking device is haunted, right? Yeah, yeah. It should make you feel terrible. It should. You should be freaking the fuck out.

Every time it rings, it should make you feel a little sad. Yeah, but I need it. I ordered a six. I haven't gotten mine in. I'm waiting. I'm waiting on my six. The Fairphone is now in stock. What's the specs, Brian? Read the specs. Can you read it? It's not normal, Lottie. I ordered a 6. I haven't gotten mine in. Yeah, you haven't gotten your 6. I'm waiting on my 6. The Fairphone is now in stock. What's the specs, Brian?

Read the specs. Can you read it? It's right here. It says front camera, 1.3 megabytes, Android OS. Gigabytes? You mean gigabytes? Yeah, giga... No.

Megapixels, rather? Yeah, gigabytes. Megapixels. Megapixels. Yes. Android OS, 4.2, Jelly Bean, smells like patchouli. Kit Kat? Isn't it Kit Kat?

Isn't the new one... 4.2 jelly beans smells like patchouli And all the crystals inside our spiritual They're all like yeah, you know remove demons from your soul which version of Android is a run is that the latest no no And what the fuck yeah, it's I mean it looks it literally is like a phone from five years ago But much, but what is their pitch? What do they guarantee? Everyone who worked on it was really happy. Conflict-free. Our soldering paste uses tin. Ew.

It's going to get a shitty signal when you're on the subway. Don't get it. Fuses paste. Soldering paste. Soldering paste. Soldering paste. We made it with the yucca plant. We ground the roots

to make a biodegradable paste biodegradable phone GPS Wi-Fi and grass fed Bluetooth grass fed is it gluten free? is that a gluten free phone?

it's also HMO no HMOs no GMOs HMOs it's not HMOs no HMOs no MSG no HMOs

no GMOs yeah it's all super awesome. It's gluten-free. It makes you a better person when you have it in your pocket. It totally does. It doesn't give you cancer like every other phone. It actually cures cancer. You know Cheryl Crow thinks she got cancer from her phone?

I did not know that. Cheryl Crow has brain cancer, and she attributes it to when she was doing that All I wanna do is have some fun apparently when she was doing press for that album like back in the 90s or whatever it was she had you know those old school phones yeah she did hundreds of calls and she did them all with her cell phone without a without a no just holding it up to her head her head that's what everybody did nobody had a fucking button you remember those old phone like a star tack those didn't have a thing for a microphone.

You didn't have a thing that you put on your ear. And we liked it. Yeah. I was happy. I was happy. I used to StarTAC uphill both ways. But now everybody has some sort of a headpiece for the most part. I usually use the same earbuds.

Me too. Those microphones are good, man. Those little Apple ones. I've tried a bunch of different things, but it seems like everybody can hear me from those little white Apple ones. The best. The good ones. Me too. Those microphones are good, man. Those little Apple ones. I've tried a bunch of different things, but it seems like everybody can hear me from those little white Apple ones. The best. The good ones.

The best. They seem to be, everybody wants the newest, but for just being on the phone, those seem to be the best. Yeah. I also think when you have, the Bluetooth earpiece

has always weirded me out because it feels like, well, isn't that still a signal? Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of you still have something radiating next to your head. I've never heard anybody dying from it, but what if it makes you just a little stupider? I don't know.

That could be already what's happening. Well, that's what people worry about, Wi-Fi signals. I mean, I don't know how much time you spend in the real wilderness, but it's going to sound totally unscientific and probably ridiculous. I like it. I have a feeling that there's a little something that your body is interacting with. When you're in a room that has Wi-Fi, when you're in a town that has radio, there's television signals in the air. Everywhere you go, there's cell phone signals.

There's signals in the air, and they freak out bees. Yeah. Bees have a real hard time with cell phone signals. It's a big problem. Yeah. It's one of the big problems. Pesticides is another one. And bats, too.

Bats are getting all fucked up. Bats are getting fucked up, too, because their signals are like... Yeah, they can't track their signals. They end up fucking eavesdropping on your call and hitting a fucking bus or something. Yeah, maybe if your phone drops off because a bat died. Every time you drop a call, a bat dies. Just think about what's going on in the air. There's so much stuff in the air.

bat dies. Just think about what's going on in the air. There's so much stuff in the air. And if you were a bat or a bee, it's like they're having a 24-hour fucking party next door. Like, you live in this awesome neighborhood, you grew up there, your family's from there, everybody else's family's from there, and in this neighborhood, every time you would open the door

you'd just hear a chirp, chirp, chirp, you would see fucking butterflies flying, and then next door, this fucking death metal band and they rehearse 24 hours a day. Or Zac Efron's frat moves in next door. I didn't see that. But yeah, no, and the other part of that, too, is when you go into a less populated area that doesn't have all these signals, you ever go lock your car with your little like key fob thing and you could do it from like two blocks away when you're not but when you're in like a

city you gotta go like next to the door because the signal can't like it's always that little sign like there's a lot of shit flying around in the air all the time but just to think of that signal what is happening there i'm pressing a button and this little thing flies over and opens and you could start your fucking car with it And you know they have them for cell phones too, right? Where you can start your car from Your phone From miles away

My car can do it Yeah Oh, that's so ridiculous I can unlock my car Disengage that Dude, disengage that No, but in other words I'm thinking of going old school

I'm getting a car that you need to use a fucking key to open I like a car with a key I need a car with a key Yeah The only problem with a key car is if you're in a parking garage and there's a murderer coming after you, you always drop him. You know what I mean? You can't ever get him in the hole. That's true.

My car doesn't have a key hole. Like a key hole at all. There's no hole. There's no hole anywhere on my car. But can't you leave your keys? I don't think my Porsche has a key hole. Shit. I don't think it does.

Yeah, because your car knows when your keys are near it so it doesn't yeah my bmw doesn't even have a key my car this thing right my car has butt sensors so if it's someone else's butt it won't start i think i'm gonna go old school i'm just gonna try to figure out if i could drive around a 1969 mustang and not lose my mind out here you can the only problem with those cars i'm sure you have but driving those old mustangs is there's not a lot of them don't have Power steering So when you turn

Those old Mustangs Had power steering It's just They're like 63 It's shitty steering Is that what it Oh no Maybe if you go that far back

Because I had a buddy of mine In high school Had one of those man And like It's They're fun to drive But for an everyday car Like you want to go park

You're like shit It'd be good for your arm It's like turning a boat It's good for a workout Yeah I think But I think the real issue With those cars Is they handle like dog shit.

Like you have to figure out someone who can, they could do what they call a pro touring version of those cars. So they take an old car and then they put like a more modern suspension on it so you could actually drive it. But it's still never going to be like, the new cars, like if you hit your brakes, there's anti-lock brakes. Like people forget about like locking your brakes up. How about like the newest cars now have sensors on them oh yeah if somebody cuts in front of you

it automatically breaks yeah there's a lot of those pretty sweet especially if you like to text and drive you know you don't have to fucking look anymore i rented a car and it um it swerves you back if you go over the line like if you go over the line it goes like this it pulls you back i feel like that takes some getting used to, though, right? Well, you can shut it off if you want to. Yeah, what if it freaks out and just slams on the brake? You're going like 90 on the freeway, and it slams on the brake, or it jerks over, and you hit it. Better yet, what about that Michael Hastings guy?

That guy that committed suicide, who was going after all these generals, and exposed all this crazy shit, and said to all of his family that he was worried that they were going to try to take him out. And then he winds up going down, was it some where was it highland some major street in la he's going 120 miles an hour and slams into a fucking tree car explodes engine goes flying engine flew away from the car like 30 feet oh it's crazy story yeah the conspiracy theorists love this story like no other because if anybody was ever gonna get killed Yeah, it was this motherfucker. He was going after generals, but that is those are the times where conspiracies make more sense to me Yeah, you know because those are like closed. Those are closed networks like they my whole problem with conspiracies is like People aren't good at keeping secrets man. So when they're when they're that big I have a hard time

You know, I don't think the government's that organized but i could see some generals taking out a motherfucker you know like that makes sense those industrialists dude that run everything they're pretty good at keeping secrets i mean when you find out about like this this new the lehman sachs tapes that just came is that lehman sachs the tapes just goldman sachs yeah goldman sachs tapes that just came out have you paid any attention to this it the banker. Yeah. I don't know what the fucking revelations were, but apparently people are freaking out about these new, like, hours of tapes that just came out that just show how they've paid off the regulatory commissions,

like, how the whole thing is, like, the bankers, like, establish the standards and run the system. But there's a legality. There's, like, a weird loophole where politicians meet. This happens with Nancy Pelosi, and everyone kind of just stopped talking about it, but it's like they meet with these stock guys, get all this insider

information, and then are still allowed to invest in the companies and fucking make money on it. It's unbelievable. I don't know. It's not legal, but it's only legal because it's the people who make the laws. I don't know. Those are the issues that really hurt my brain,

especially since we get distracted by something else, and then we stop talking about it, and then somehow it just is okay. It's weird. In Bloomberg, this is the article saying, The reporter Jake Bernstein has obtained 46 hours of tape recordings made secretly by a Federal Reserve employee of conversations within the Fed

and between the Fed and Goldman Sachs. They're calling it the Ray Rice video for the financial sector. Oh, my God. This is scary shit. They don't need to call it that. Yeah, right. It's a stupid name. They have to.

That's a stupid name for it. It's the next Lindsay Lohan. Yeah. Financial network. It's the Anthony Weiner pictures of real estate. Well, the best one of that is when someone talks about a word that's offensive and they'll say, it's our nigger. Oh, yeah. Like tranny.

They're using that for tranny, saying that's our nigger. Yeah. That's the whole thing with that, too, is there's got to be like an update on what's offensive. Well, you know what? Because stuff changes sometimes and then you don't know it, and then you say it, and people are like, oh, you can't say that. Like, I didn't know.

Retard's out. You know that, right? That's long out. It's been out for a couple years. A couple years, yeah. I stopped. I stopped using retard. I did.

I stopped. What about bitch? Bitch is on its way out. But yeah, bitch is, and so is pussy. Pussy's on its way out. People don't like calling somebody weak Using a feminine expression But when a girl calls a man a pussy I like it

Yeah fuck it No but I also think it's weird I think it would be weird If you In other words The idea of like a bitch or pussy But it's like Dude you

Don't be such a pussy But if Yeah I get It's like alright So that means You're making By putting a female You know

Making it a gender thing It makes that women are weaker but then at the same time how weird would it sound if you made that the other way so like pussy was mean you mean you're like a badass like dude dude you don't have a pussy big enough to jump off that fucking ledge like it doesn't work that way either you know what i mean like dude how big's your pussy, bro? You can do it. The water's cold.

Don't, you know. But you'll tell a girl she's got balls. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I don't know. I guess I see it. One means brave and one means weak. But at the same time.

I think we're micromanaging. I really do. It's also just some of it's like, I feel like with some of that stuff, I feel like, I don't know, man, I'm cooked. Like, that's fine if the next generation. Remember your grandparents? Like, there's certain fucking things where like, I don't know. Like, I'm not going to say We're like, I don't know.

I'm not going to say Asian. I'm too old. You know what I mean? Right. It's Oriental. It's an Oriental. I don't know. Look, we had to change from Chinaman to Oriental. I don't want to change another time.

I was with my friend at a fucking diner once, and this guy said something to my friend, like, you're kind of people. And so I saw my friend sitting there going, I go, what kind of people? I asked a question for him. And the guy goes, you know, Culleds. And he didn't think there was anything wrong with saying Culleds, because he was like,

you know, we were probably like 18, and he was in his 60s. Yeah, that was his... Yeah. Well, that still seems weird. It was weird. It was real weird. But he was not being disrespectful.

Right, of course not. He just thought that was the appropriate. Yeah. But that's the thing that does happen. Like, it is hard for people to keep up with changes in language because you're just used to, I don't know, I grew up saying retard was, you know, and the F word, you know. Well, the problem with retarded is, retarded is actually, if you think about the word, it's meaning like to slow growth.

Yeah. And if you tell someone that's a retarded way of looking at something, it's like there's slow growth in the way you look. You're going to need to catch the fuck up. Yeah. It's a valid way of saying it. Yes. But when you call someone a retard.

Right. Because that implies that they have, you know. Down syndrome. Down syndrome or, yeah, some kind of a, you know, mental handicap. Do you know that used to be mongoloid? The term that they used to use mongoloid idiot was the term they used to use on your birth certificate if you were born with Down Syndrome.

Yeah. There's books. If you read anthropological books from the 1800s the way they refer to different kinds of people it's frightening. Thaddeus Russell was on the podcast last week. He awesome by the way i heard that he's a brilliant guy yeah but did you hear what he was talking about about the irish but the irish were considered chimpanzees they were less they were less than blacks yeah yeah yeah and that they were their race was that's

the other thing that always is so fascinating to me you guys were talking about that but the this idea now that like you get and he was talking about it like they became cops and this like get assimilated into white culture but there's a whole white that anyone who tries to back to ellis island or is is you know i'm like i'm an italian jew like that's not really like a tent like when people get like i know like i have a lot of like italian like long island family you know like who's like a mexicans coming in like that kind of shit and like it's like that's just they're just the italians of now you know what i mean like the italians were just the mexicans of like the early 1900s like nobody liked them they were pieces of shit they were like laborers all the shit so it's like it's weird to

think that you're white privilege yeah like it's like well you know you hear hannity and these guys going oh the way america's be like dude you're a fucking, you know, you hear Hannity and these guys going, oh, the way America's being like, dude, you're a fucking Irish guy. Like, you're two generations away from just being a piece of shit. Like, don't treat those people like a piece of shit. Well, not only that, you came directly from immigration. Yeah. 100% directly from savages. And you're like succeeding in this country in the way your great grandparents dreamed you would.

Not even dreamed. You know, their wildest ways. Right, their wildest ways. Yeah. And so it's always astonishing to me when it's like oh no they're anti-immigration was that yeah they're anti-immigration you know and i yeah i mean you know the whole idea that of like and look again illegal immigration is a different argument but there is a there is a a tendency to like be waiting online at the nightclub and then you get in and you're like look those you're gonna let those assholes in you look back at the line you're like dude you just got in the fucking club you know what i mean like well i think if people could fly around it would be even

more ridiculous to not have immigration because if people could fly around if we all had flying cars and you just go across the border left and right there would be no one to stop you because you could just go anywhere you want right unless they figured out a way to grid up the sky where they could block you and do a traffic stop in the sky above Mexico. But if they couldn't do that, how the fuck are you ever going to tell people where they can go or not go? They're going to go where the work is.

Where's the jobs? The jobs are in America. They would go to America and then America would overrun and people would start slowly trickling back into Mexico and reestablishing communities. And it would even out eventually. But if they don't do that, it's almost never going to even out. People are like, Mexico's need to get their shit together on their own. Part of the reason why their shit is fucked up is because they're connected

to the great barbarians of history. They are the border. They're next door to the greatest war machine the planet Earth and the human race has ever known. And so they're feeding it cocaine. Right. But at the same time, but if you look at like canada right we don't have like the same issue in the north no we don't there is something to be said about like what life is like for

mexicans in mexico you're talking about 35 000 being the one percent like that life in that country in a lot of ways is like it's not a good life well isn't that similar in in in the way you can analyze it though to like say compton i mean look at that compton is a part of la and so is beverly hills and they're all connected to each other they're all right but one of them is way the fuck over there and that's considered compton and this is this terrible impoverished community and then right over here we have Beverly Hills. Yeah. And you could get lucky and be born in Beverly Hills to a family that lives in a gated community and takes you to a private school and everything's fucking smooth sailing.

Or you get this shit end of the stick. Yeah. And a single mom in Compton who's on welfare gives birth to you in a crime ridden household and terrible neighborhood filled with gang violence. Both of those, I mean, the idea of a border protecting you from anything that's happening in canada or anything that's happening in mexico ultimately it seems kind of silly yep at some point in time it seems crazy that a person has a chance or doesn't have a chance based on what patch of dirt they just got shit out on no

doubt and then that i mean that's that's a whole i mean but that's i mean the bottom line is though that's just living in modern society right like we have to have some rules and my thought is like we do have poor people i mean that's what we're talking about about people um needing help and it's like that's what it gets complicated in america because it's like you want to help people but then you start going all right well well we want to help people but we don't want to have a system where people are like fuck it i don't need to work i'm getting this week because that's a whole other problem that's a huge and then it's also like well i work really hard and i'm giving a lot of my money back to the government and like i i don't really have much of a say in how they manage that money and i don't think they do a very good job of

it which i think anyone would say but then at the same time somebody so now you can have that whole argument about people who live here and are born here and what rights they have by being born here even all all it is is like i was literally born here but we that's you got to make a rule somewhere think about how radical a proposal would be if a presidential candidate or someone got on television and had a detailed outlined idea of how they want to improve inner cities and one of them it starts with re-educating the adults in the community. I mean, people will be like, what the fuck? But if they don't do that, anything else you do, if you add money and if you give people money for nothing, you can call it whatever, reparations, you could call it welfare, depending on what race you're talking about, just giving impoverished people money, white people included.

People who are poor, live in fuck-up areas, you opportunities you give them money give them education if you don't do something about the mindset of the adults nothing's going to change yeah because they're still going to abuse their kids they're still going to have terrible ideas of the world it's a big part of these communities it's not just the financial strife it's also that you're stuck with a bunch of fucking dummies yeah but at the same time it's a culture that has been an abused culture in this country for a long time. It certainly has, but what about the white folks that are poor, too? Yeah, yeah. If you're in a trailer park in West Virginia that's just as bad, I mean, you ever see the wild and wonderful whites of West Virginia?

Mm-hmm. Fucking wild-ass documentary. Yeah. You've seen that? I've seen clips of it. I've never seen the whole thing. It's fucking awesome. I'll put it on my list.

It's awesome. Yeah. But these people, I mean, you might as well be black and in the South. Right. You might as well be in a poor neighborhood in Compton or Watts. Yeah. Because you're fucked. You got born into this neighborhood with a bunch of criminals.

That's not the problem, but that's the complication with the system that's like, where people go, oh, look, this country, you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, you work your ass off. But it's like, hold on a minute. My bootstraps were pretty fucking high yeah we're out of the gate like they were barely they were already at my knees when i was born you know and i wasn't born rich but i was born like uh you know i came from italian jews like working class people hard working people but i was able to go to college i was able to like do an internship for like a dave lederman for a summer like yeah you can't you don't get opportunities like that if you need to fucking have a job and shit like you know that expression

born on third and thinking you hit a triple yeah oh no no and i'm saying i think that the p i don't have guilt about it because i think the people that worked before me worked and i knew my grandfathers very well like those guys were like stealing coal off of trucks to keep warm kind of dudes right so i and they worked their ass off so that everyone could do better, and now I'm that next generation who's been given a lot because of their hard work. I appreciate it on all levels, but definitely easier for me to do comedy as a career. No doubt. No one's saying it's not. But if you could do it, okay, you spent all these years working for The Daily Show,

and there's a lot of political thinking involved in that kind of a job. If you could fix it, what would you do? I mean, if someone said, all right, President Rory, you have all this money to allocate. President Rory. Take all that marijuana sales. The first thing I do is, I want a lobster sandwich. I just start ordering food. Cold or warm.

You can get anything you want any time, right? I don't think you can. Nothing sexual. Oh, well, nothing sexual. Nobody can keep their mouth shut anymore. I mean, the guys run in the free world. That's what I'm saying. Once he gets a, well, nothing sexual. Nobody can keep their mouth shut anymore. I mean, the guys weren't in the free world. That's what I'm saying. Once he gets a robot fuck doll, everyone's going to shut their mouth.

I don't think the president should be allowed to have the robot fuck doll. He should love Mrs. Obama. She's a wonderful woman. I would be so happy if she was mine. Oh, yeah. Man, I don't know, man. I mean, I wish I don't have the capacity to have an answer. But isn't that a part of the problem?

That's a part of the problem is that everybody has this complaint that we need to make the poor rich in order to help them out. Oh, I don't think we need to make the poor rich. I'm not even saying that. I'm just saying everybody has this complaint that there's a disparity in wealth. Everybody has this complaint that the people that are in the minorities, that are in poor neighborhoods, crime-ridden, they don't have a chance. And you're right.

But what the fuck can be done? Well, you know, I don't think there's such a thing as a society where nobody's poor, except for like Norway or like those weird little Nordic countries where people, I don't know, somehow are all rich and look the same.

Well, that's just because there hasn't been a society. It doesn't mean it's not possible. But I do think, George Carlin used to have a thing where he would talk about poverty. And we'd go, this is how the world works. not possible but there's this but i do like george carlin used to have a thing where he would talk about poverty and we go like this is how the world works you know it's there's uh there's rich people um uh who do none of the work make all the money then there's the middle class who do all of the work make a little bit of the money and then there's the poor to scare

the shit out of the middle class so they keep showing up to their jobs every day you know what i mean and it's like there it's like the system needs to function in some capacity so there's always going to be poor people and i do think that like i i do believe that like in a lot of cases the richer people in this country some of them were born privileged but somebody along the way was shrewd somebody was smart and a lot of times it was just screwing people over i mean if you look at all the the tight like the tycoons of like the industrial age and all those guys like they fucked over a lot of people to get really rich you know and also like so i don't know a lot of times the people got here first have all the money like the real wealth in this country like the waspy wealth it's like that's plymouth rock yeah that's like folgers like those guys

came over on the on, on the Mayflower, and were like, I'll be the coffee guy. It's like, that's it. No one named Folgers has worked again. They were just calling shit. That's the ultimate spoon in your mouth. That's the ultimate privilege and luck, is being a part of

some oligarch family. Did you ever see that? Jamie Johnson made that movie called Born Rich a couple years ago for HBO? He's in the Johnson & Johnson era. Is it good? Yeah, it's good. It's called Born Rich? Yeah.

It's a documentary? Uh-huh. And it's like, he shot it on video, but it's very good and it's all about the weird struggle that these kids have

who are not rich, like, get a job rich, like, you don't ever have to do anything ever again. And I think he got sued, actually actually by the Vanderbilt kid. Not Vanderbilt, Carnegie. One of the Carnegie kids who he was friends with growing up. Because he was friends with Vanderbilt, Carnegie.

And this kid's telling a story about how he was with his grandfather one day walking in front of Grand Central Station. And he goes, this is yours. And he's like, what is? And he's like, this station, Grand Central. You own it. It's like that Carnegie family. It's like Grand Central Station and he goes this is yours and he's like what is and he's like this station Grand Central you own it that's like that's Carnegie family it's like Grand Central and in front of Carnegie Hall uh not well not just Carnegie Hall but in front of Grand Central Station there's a oh no Vanderbilt is who owns of Grand Central Station in front of it there's a big statue still there's big bronze statue of Cornelius Vanderbilt who's his who is like his

great-grandfather oh my and he like he gave york grand central stage like that's what i'm talking about like rich like like rockefeller gave new york the the palisade cliffs he was like you can have these but you can't build on them i like the look of the cliffs like that kind of people that like most of new york was just like gifted by rich dudes put my name on it yeah it's pretty crazy so these kids are the heirs of those kids, of those guys. And they're pretty fucked up, you know? And, like, Jamie Johnson's dad, you imagine, is, like, running Johnson & Johnson. You think he's probably going there every day with a suit and tie on and be like,

We need more Q-tips. They're too hard, you know? Like, no. He's, like, sitting in his fucking garage painting. He's, like, he's never worked a day in his life. Wow. Yeah, it's pretty, it's, like, his... It must in his life wow yeah it's pretty it's like his it must be hard to feel confident well that's the whole point of the movie is like they have

no direction in life they have no sense of purpose now a lot most people go fuck that i'd find a direction in life with a billion dollars but i don't know like there is something about working feeling like you have a sense of purpose there's something about developing your personality i mean yeah you have to develop your personality through care your character gets developed through adversity and overcoming adversity lessons learned if there's no lessons learned there's no wisdom yeah if you haven't experienced anything difficult or pulled anything off you're not gonna have confidence you're not gonna have the confidence you

can do you might have some cocaine fueled ridiculous confidence you can be the fucking king of the world but it's not it's not you know it's not reality right that's I have a friend who has a friend i don't know the guy very well i've had conversations with him but he was a part of some insanely large family that has billions of dollars they own like half of uh like the they have a stretch of buildings in malibu on the beach where they started buying up the neighbor's buildings because they didn't want anyone next to them so they would just like the neighbor was selling their house for 24 million dollars they just snatched it up just so they could have the neighbor's house too right they just own the

houses around i mean they have billions and billions of dollars so they just had a trust fund burned through it had a backup trust fund burned through that how do you i don't even know he's like in his late 40s he's a just a disaster degenerate disaster disaster yeah just a disaster and then everyone you know they would feel you know when are you going to get your shit together sir you know it's never gonna happen this fucking guy and he was having a conversation with my friend and uh he said if whatever you do because she has kids he said whatever you do do not let your kids have money don't give them any money make them like he was acutely aware of his own failings because he was born to this billion billion dollar empire

yeah just had no concept of what it meant he's just not a man like when you're around him he's just got no confidence he's got no he's got nothing yeah he didn't do anything no grit there's no grit like he's never been a piece of shit to anybody. And it's not to say that someone who's born in that same scenario couldn't have found a painting or music or become successful at something they do on their own or decided, you know, I'm not going to touch that money or I'm going to donate that money to charity. I recognize the pitfalls of this scenario,

so I want to be something different other than with this map that's sort of leading me to go into this certain direction you could also yeah you could also I mean we were originally talking about how hard it is to be poor now we're talking about how hard it is to be rich I mean much more ridiculous I know I would also say that like if you really fucking wanted a man up like then fucking go live for a year with you know $50,000 in a bank account and go live somewhere in the country and try to survive. Fucking test yourself.

That's not even real, though, because they know they can always go back. The end of this re- As soon as this year's up, I'm killing Vietnamese people. I'm sure there are rich people who have found a way to fucking give back or do something in life besides feel bad about the fact that they can

just do whatever the fucking thing they want. The fucking virgin guy, Richard Branson, famous for that. But I think he made all of his money himself. When you make all your money yourself, it's a little different, honestly. A lot different. Yeah, Richard Branson. But Streeter Seidel is a really funny comic and writer

and so he just got a job at SNL, but he did a thing on that show I worked on with Neil Brennan this summer where he was talking about Richard Branson is his favorite rich guy because he does all the things you said you would do if you were a rich guy when you were a kid. Like, I'm going to hot air balloon around the world. You know, like, he is like, he's like, I'm going to build a spaceship. Like, okay.

Like Richard Branson, you know. Would you ride that fucking spaceship? That's like a hundred grand. I would ride it like 10 years in, you know, like once I know like it blew up a couple times and i had to you know fix it dude the first time it blows up that's gonna that's gonna be a tough sell for tickets after yeah well then you know it takes a hit it blows up it takes a hit but yeah if it doesn't blow up i would do it i just wouldn't want to be on like the first mission yeah that's although the first mission may be the best one right that might be the only one the only one yeah well what scares me more than that is the people that are

willing to sign up to go to mars there me more than that is the people that are willing to sign up to go to Mars. There's more than 100,000 people that are willing to sign up for the one-way trip to Mars. Yeah, but... But... I would say on that list if you started weeding out through those people there's probably like 10 people you'd want to see.

At least. You know how many fucking drunk people are like, I'll do it. I'll go to Mars. I don't know. I mean 100,000 you know how many fucking drunk people are like I'll do it I'll go to Mars you know I don't know I think you have to like really look over the applicants

make sure that something I mean if a guy's a roofer and wants to go to Mars go hey bro there's got to be any roofs well we're gonna need roofs

we're gonna need roofs I'm real good at working I work hard that's like another really funny thing. This guy I used to work with told me about that movie Armageddon to bring it up again. But the premise of that movie is it's easier to train oil drillers to be astronauts than it is to train astronauts to drill. That's funny.

It's like, you know what we can do? Why don't we just treat these astronauts with, you you know just teach them how to use a drill nah those movies have a special place in my heart too because that's where like aerosmiths are doing ballads i'm fucking so funny like you guys were so you guys were i'm back in the saddle again like what happened what is this i can't help it what happened i know they couldn't help it What's going on with this? Why is this song making me develop estrogen? I'll be there for you That one Yeah

All those There's a couple of those There's a few of those That just make you go How do you You guys were You guys were the shit Yeah, that happens

Plus, I grew up in Boston So Aerosmith was fucking Was everything I went to school in Boston They had Where'd you go? Bob BU They had a Where'd you go? Bob B.U. They had a band

that they used to pretend they used to go to like what was it? Mama Kin was their place. Yes. On Lanzown Street. They used to show every now and then

you'd hear fucking Aerosmith came by last night and they would they'd be on the list as like like Lizard Feet or like whatever. They'd make up some band name

and then they'd show up and do you know Wow. They'd show up and do like a quick fucking That's fucking awesome. Mama Kin's fun. I never I never had the experience of seeing him But it did friends with Joe Perry are you really forth of them? I sent text messages to Joe Perry That's very like this is the crazy. I would have the coolest thing text message Joe Perry That's fucking I once when not as cool as that

But I once was used to put the Daily Show is a global edition, so I used to produce this, and I would go to Sony Music, was our edit base. So tons of musicians would be recording albums. And I mean like Jimmy Page, like Robert Plant was singing there one day, like all sorts of crazy shit, and I would hear it and whatever. So one day I'm there doing this edit for the show, and it's like, you know, in this dark edit room, and I go to take a piss in just the Sony bathroom, and I hear like, in this dark edit room and I go to take a piss

in just the Sony bathroom and I hear like, skibbed, boop, boop, and it's fucking Steven Tyler taking a piss

in like green lizard pants, like leopard pants, you know, whatever, like super tight, like flowy shirt and I guess he was warming up his voice

but it was so, you know, it's like the tile, it's a bathroom so he's just leaning in the urinal like, skibbed, boop,

boop, skibbed, and I was like, this is the coolest and I like, I peed up next to him like, what's up, man? That's so funny. Yeah, that was like my big Aerosmith experience. I was like, I heard Steven Tyler warming up his pipes in a urinal.

Really cool. Wow, that's fucking awesome. It's so weird when you meet a guy. I saw Paul McCartney one night at the improv. I didn't get a chance to meet him, but just seeing him. Did he see you do stand-up? Yeah, he was in the audience. It was nerve-wracking.

Our audience warm-up guy once didn't show up to the Daily Show or was late. Awesome comic, great warm-up guy, but was late. So every now and then I would do warm-up. If it was an emergency situation, I'd just go out and do warm-up for the crowd. And I did it one night when Springsteen was there in the crowd. Oh, my God. And he was sitting off to my right with his son evan who's a great dude i know and a couple of his but evan's buddies and he just like put on a hat

sitting the crowd like love the show super cool all the like legends of springsteen shit you hear like so i do warm up for the crowd and then afterwards um i saw him you know he was talking to john after the show and i like went in to tell john something like i like made something up i was like i have to tell john this thing because because I wanted to fucking meet Springsteen. Right. And he's like, all right, man. He's like, that was awesome. I'm like, really?

You know? And so I always joke around with people. I'm like, well, you know, Springsteen and I are mutual fans of each other. I mean, he saw me yell at the lady in the fur coat, and I think he knows what I'm capable of, you know? I mean, that was, to me, the coolest. I really said it. Like, if I died the next day, I told my family, I go, just so you know, if I happen to die soon, I'm cool.

You know what I mean? Like, it was pretty cool, man. I had to hear him laughing over my... And he said something like, I thought you were going to come after us. We're all wearing, like, you know, flannel shirts. I'm like, I was just trying to pretend you weren't there, Mr. Springsteen. You know what I mean? Like, no thanks, Mr. S.

You know? Very cool though Like When you meet somebody Who you like On that level Where you're like Holy shit

Like I listen to your music And it's pretty exciting You know The biggest one for me ever Was Gene Simmons Came to see one of my shows Wow Gene Simmons brought his family

And his son and his wife That's cool as shit That was the It was a New Year's show too Did they come up He came up Talked to you afterwards Yeah

Dude I was nervous as fuck Yeah I had to address it From the I was a huge Kiss fan when i was a kid i mean it was everything really i didn't even like other bands i just like kiss that's crazy when i was like 11 years old i didn't like other music i was such a ridiculous kiss fan that's so funny yeah so that that was that scared the shit out of me but paul mccartney for some reason made me even more nervous yeah i find that like working in entertainment musicians and athletes are the two groups that i get really nervous around like athletes i mean i'm sure of course you have you work in the ufc but it's like meeting a professional athlete uh you know like you see like their physicality oh yeah like

especially when they're like currently playing the game. And you go, oh, so cool, dude. Are you playing on Sunday? I'm like a little kid, even though I'm older at this point than professional athletes, which is one of the harder things about watching sports for me now. I remember the Rangers playoffs. Someone would get on the ice and be like, look at look at this 35 year old who can still tie his skates you know you're like jesus christ you know they're like can you believe old man knee buckles can i'm

like i'm 37 man what the fuck how old am i like you know i'm retired now as an athlete that's why it's weird when you see bernard hopkins bernard hopkins is 49 years old he's a light heavyweight champion of the world jesus christ how the the fuck? Yeah. And beating young guys. I know. Like, really good guys. That's crazy. Yeah, he's incredible. But you know what I mean by that.

Yeah. You're just like in awe because there's something about what they do that is so beyond my comprehension. Yeah. Can you imagine you'd be on the court with Michael Jordan as he's fucking slam dunking? It's dreadful to see him leaping from the three-point line. I know. Flying through the air. You'd be like, what?

It was an honor to get dunked on by you, Mr. Jordan. Just to be there. I mean, I don't even mean playing against him. I mean, standing there while he does it. It's crazy. Yeah, it's absolutely crazy. Just to realize the different level of athleticism. He's like, they're superhumans.

Yeah, I have that. Like, if they gave you a pill, and all of a sudden you could do it, Michael Jordan, you would be like, you've got a superhuman body, like you're Spider-Man or something. I mean, that's the thing, too, is when people talk about, oh, comedy, why'd you want to do comedy? I was like, I don't know.

It was kind of funny growing up. I was like, if I could make a living doing this, that'd be cool. But if I was good at baseball, fuck, dude, I'd sure as hell wish I was. You'd be the funny guy in the locker room. Well, no, I wouldn't even be the funny guy.

Maybe I would just be good at baseball. In other words, that would be cool. I would definitely want to do something like that if I was given any physical gifts whatsoever. Did you play any sports growing up? Yeah, I played soccer

and stuff, but I was never, I just never cared. It was weird. I was definitely the wise guy. I got in trouble a lot in high school

on the soccer team. My coach would be like, Albany, shut the fuck up. And I would get a little bit of playing time if we were winning or something. You know what I mean? But I was good. I don't know.

I never – sports just weren't something I loved to do. I wasn't into them. I liked watching them, I guess, but I was never – Did you kind of always know you wanted to be a comic? Yeah, I always knew I wanted to be a comic. At what year were you like – I don't know. It was just the kind of thing where like, I don't know.

I remember being a kid and being funny and like just being in school. And John Oliver and I used to talk about this all the time because he and I were a month apart in age. And he grew up in England. But having these weird parallel life experiences across the pond from each other. We were talking about being in school and a teacher saying something that was a perfect setup for a joke and you knew if you yelled out the punch line it would crush but you also knew you would get in trouble yes and it was like no doubt in your mind like i'm going with the punch line yeah fucking no decision to be made yeah go to the principal like no matter that fucking kill remember like a great one from

school you have one where you like said something to a teacher and you're like, oh shit. I'm trying to think. I mean, I used to do stupid shit like in Spanish class. Like a teacher would call on me to, for the definition of a word

and I would just, you know, like sacar. I had one, I got my, she called my mom about this, my Spanish teacher. Sacar.

She was like, you know, go around the room and point and say a word and we have to use it in a sentence. And she pointed at me and she said, Rory, Sacar. She was like, you know, go around the room and point and say a word and we have to use it in a sentence. And she pointed at me and she said,

Rory, Sacar. And I was like, after school, I have Sacar practice. And it was like, huge laugh, fucking principal's office, you know?

Why would you say it to the principal's office? I was like, what was that kind of shit? Whatever. That's funny, man. And then like a call home to my mom,

like he's disruptive and my mom being, you know, but, you know, he was funny, but it's disruptive, you know. i have what could be construed as a racist one from high school what was that i had this black math teacher who was really aggressive she mean in her defense we were terrible students and nobody was paying attention i was a dick but she was uh she was like aggressive with the way she would communicate it wasn't fun. And this is the example. So for whatever reason,

you know, she decided to, she goes, she was doing something on the board, explaining some problem. And then I was talking and she goes, Mr. Rogan, would you like to come up here

and do both of these problems for the class? And I said, would you like me to do both of those problems? Oh, shit. And she kicked me out for that. Well. But I go, whoa, whoa, whoa. That is exactly how you said it.

Right. But you said it. What did I do wrong? Yeah. Let's explain. What are you doing wrong? You're a math teacher who doesn't speak English right. Yeah.

And they kicked me out. And everyone was howling. They were fucking howling. Yeah, it's a good. That was the only laugh I got in all of high school. Really? That wasn't funny at all. Huh.

But I was easily annoyed. How'd you end up wanting to do comedy, though? Because it's such a self-loathing kind of an activity. Yeah, it's a different path. And you are an athlete. You are good at athletics. Well, my fear came from a different place. I mean, everybody has a certain fear that leads you into comedy.

There's always a bunch of factors. There's one, being ignored as a child. That's always a bunch of factors like this one there's the being ignored as a child that's always a key factor and then the fear and for some comics it's like the insecurity is what leads you to like it propels you to get past the fear of going on and doing public speaking and the whole idea behind it but my fear was like actual physical violence that i was involved in fighting from the time i was 15 to 21. So I was scared all the time. Really? I was always terrified. Like, before I retired from competing,

my life was a series of getting ramped up for competitions, getting through them, relaxing for, like, a day or a couple hours, and then being terrified of the next one. That's crazy. So, like, all that fear led me to, like, have, like, a gallows humor. Like, I was the guy that would be on a bus going to a tournament i would be cracking everybody up right but i was just because i was terrified right so that that's like that's how i got into it but i never was funny in high school like when i when i just had to say this because this chick was a cunt yeah you know and this is the best

part about it like as i was leaving good call not saying that she goes go ahead and laugh because mr rogan is going nowhere in life that's's funny. So what? You can't say that. You're teaching a class. You can't say you're going nowhere in life. You're a shitty role model. You're a shitty person to be instructing a class. If you speak badly, and I mock your speaking badly, and you kick me out of the class,

that's just saying that I got you. Yeah. So, you know. I found, like, I remember getting in trouble for stuff like that. Like, I had one where I used to wear a hat to school every day. Like, that was, like, a big thing when I was in school. Baseball hat? Yeah, like a baseball cap. Not like a fedora like you thought you was an attra?

God, no. By the way, I wish I had the balls to wear in the fedora. I had to wear what everyone else is wearing. That's the nectar of the gods, baby. Yeah, but remember, like, starter game hats? Like, that was, like, a big thing. And, like, you know, you'd, like, curl the shit out. I still do it with my hats.

I curl them around so much. Now, yeah, you got it. But now everybody wears them flat. You know, not i'm not into flat i can't do flat it seems silly yeah and uh but so one day a friend of mine this girl this black girl at school had like a hair weave you know like she had hair weaved in and she was playing with it and like like i was i was talking whatever and i and i pulled one out i was just like fuck around with her or whatever and and I had it. So she was laughing, so I put it under my hat and put my hat on. So I had like payas, like a Hasidic Jew. And then I just walked around school. People thought it was funny.

I was the idiot wearing payas out of my hat that was from this girl's hair weave, and she thought it was funny, and we all thought it was funny. But then the fucking librarian at my school saw me and fucking annihilated me. It was like like that is like because she thought I was being like racist culturally you know you know anti-semitic like she went on a list and I was like I'm a Jew and like the girl she gave it to me I was like there's only that I was just trying to be funny but like those kind of things I got I would get in trouble for see that's

ridiculous you shouldn't get in trouble for that at all that's an asshole teacher yeah but you know but she wants to snuff all the fucking humor out of the world. Yeah, and it's one of those things where you're like, oh, yeah, I was just getting some laughs between class. I was like, no, I was like a big... That was, again, like... What were we talking about earlier, about the oversensitivity of the world,

and that it's a huge issue in universities now. It's a gigantic issue. It is. It's unrealistic oversensitivity. It's not based on intent. It's based on demonizing words or ideas but there's also what's weird about it i think about this all the time it's like the left wants everyone to be the same like that's the goal right like no it doesn't matter that he's black or that he's this

like it's like it's like we're all we're all just people we're all just this but it's like that's what when you start to like homogenize things that way that's what's starting to happen like with corporations they're doing the same thing where it's like you go to homogenize things that way, that's what's starting to happen with corporations. They're doing the same thing. You go to a town, there's no restaurants, there's Applebee's, and we're making everything the same. And there is a weird part of that where one thing that's nice about different cultures and hanging out with different people

is that's why I love being a stand-up. If I hang out with Latino comics, then they're ripping on me for being a white Jewish guy, and I'm ripping on them for being Latino. I don't know, but it's never never racist it's just like it's not racist to have fucking hair if you if you decide to put how can she get you can have a hair weave but you can't have a hair weave well if you decided to wear your hair long and she said it was because i made payas out of it like i made it like i was making fun of jews and i was like no i am a jew

she's like you're not that kind of jew i was like what the fuck you know she's telling you what kind of jew you can make fun of? You know, look, when you're 17, you're just like, whatever. That's like if I started wearing a tank top with spaghetti stains on it. They'd be like, you're not that kind of Italian. Now I am. You could pull off a spaghetti stain tank top. What the fuck, man?

You can't wear hair weaves. I mean, look, dude, this is 20 years ago. So, you know, I don't know. Look, I'll tell you right now, if it was now, it would be would be like on fox news you know right probably yeah it would be like a national national but you went to school like when it was fuck man people used to get it like i'm older than you though and when i went to school it was less of an issue but did you ever like you grew up at a time where like a coach would like slap you on the ass if you did a good job like that you can't do that you can't do any of that you can't fuck the kids't fuck the kids. You can't do anything.

That is the shame. I used to blow so many teachers. Yeah, there's a lot of things you can't do. But you know what I mean, though. You know, like, there is a weird, you never thought about it. It was never like a... Don't you think, though,

that's like evidence of evolution? Yeah, I do. In some ways. In some ways, I think that we're getting, we get hung up. I think people get hung up on the... As much as i think it's evidence of evolution i think there's a lot of people like you just said you had someone on the

show who believes adam and eve's a real story like yeah that's that's a problem you know and that's a big problem when we're talking about how do you solve these issues he's a nice guy other than that sure he is but i'm saying not even a dumb guy which is really weird but when you talk about solving issues i think you we in this country particularly we run into oh man how do we fix this and then you get the left going well we, we're going to give them all money. And you're like, oh, slow down. Let's not get carried away with giving them all the money. Let's just figure out what we know.

That's our very hotel. Yeah, exactly. Slow down. Slow down, partner. Exactly, yeah. Hey there, pump the brakes. Oh, pulling the money truck, pulling the town. Yeah, but then the other side, or the real extreme other side, the really religious side,

is like, no, just kneel and whisper into your hands. Like, that'll solve it. You know what I mean? And you're like, oh, wait, that's not an idea. That's just a make-believe thing. Did you hear about the plane situation where they were going to El Al, going to Israel? Fuck, and they wouldn't sit next to women? Yeah.

Jesus Christ. These severe, super-Orthodox Jews. You can pull up this story, Brian. It's fucking crazy. It's crazy. They made them, they got on the plane. And then they stood in the aisle the whole flight. They wouldn't sit down.

They got on the plane, and they told them that they had to because of their religious beliefs. They had to be together. People didn't want to switch seats, so they couldn't sit next to any women. They can't be next to a woman. Yeah. It's also, I mean, talk about, like, the reality of religion, Judaism, Christianity. They're all kooks. I mean, like, they're all really abusive

to women, man. Yeah. Like, that stuff's pretty crazy. Well, Islam and Judaism are, they're ancient, man. Not only the ancient, but they're so, and I don't know enough about this. This is like something I'm a bit, talking about wanting to write a bit that I gotta work on and find all the, but

there's a lot of stuff about them that are similar. Like, they don't eat pork. One's called kosher. One's called halal. But like, like they both speak this ancient guttural desert language with these weird alphabets, a lot of beards, cover up your women. And you start going like, is there a chance that you guys are all, you know, maybe, you know, the Quran, I think there's five books and five books.

There's a lot, there's a lot. And it's like, is there a chance that maybe like one guy heard it wrong or you know what i mean like you're both telling the same story here and like there's like you know maybe you don't you don't hate each other as much as you think you do like the crazy things they look alike well that's what i'm saying like there is a there is a there but there is a component to that where you start to just go like and look we got to give everybody the proper respect proper respect proper respect but it's i have a very difficult time accepting the fact that I fucking spent money to fly to Israel on a plane,

and there's a fucking dude standing next to me praying the entire flight. Like, not okay. 11 hours. Not okay with that. This is not your fucking house, dude. This is a public space. Like, fuck off. Like, what do you mean? Like, that's just not okay. And Elal was like... They bought the flights. They paid for the flights. They bought their tickets

in advance. They knew they weren't going to be sitting next to only men. But it's like, there's another photo that I'll link on that article you're about to read that I saw the other day. There's a guy wrapped in plastic. A Jewish guy wrapped in a big thing of plastic, like a dry cleaning bag. There it is. See him? Because he can't be with women. No, because he can't fly over a cemetery.

Because he's a Kohen, which is the ancient Jewish tribe of like elders and leaders. That's like the name Cohen. People were named Cohen. That's like Jews. That's Kohen. That's like you're from the ancient Jewish king. And you're so special.

You're double chosen. So he couldn't fly over a fucking cemetery. So he wrapped himself in plastic because some fucking rabbi was like no just wrap yourself in plastic really that's okay that's the loophole rapid well how about the loophole is like hold your breath you know how do they have a fucking law about flying over cemeteries you can't go you can't go near a cemetery so theoretically i guess if you 30,000 feet is not far enough away listen hey look and you would think you're so close to god in the clouds that you could just say to him hey dude is this cool you know but how is a plastic bag

going to protect you but your clothes won't well look at plastic yeah that's that was my favorite part about it was the rabbi was like that's my favorite thing about religion i talk about my stand-up sometimes like with judaism like some of the ideas that were good ideas like judaism like they're trying to think, what is this religion? What are we really trying to do? What should be our thing? And one guy's like, how about we cut baby penis tips off? And they're like, that's a fucking great idea.

That's a home run idea in this fucking religion. It's bad. Same thing with that. Just wrap yourself in plastic. Who's making that shit up? Well, at least there's only one guy wrapping himself in plastic. I bet everybody on that plane had their dick cut That's on the Jews man, that's on everybody now

I mean, it's it's preposterous that they try to sell that as some sort of a medically necessary procedure Actually takes away all the sensitivity of your penis is what Brian wants that I yeah prefers that too sensitive now I don't you want the foreskin back. I No, I would take some more off if I can. Oh, you know what you should do? You should just wear really rough underwear. You're saying you're too sensitive. I see what you're saying. I see your problem.

You should wear really rough underwear. Like, get some hemp underwear. That's funny. Burlap. Some canvas sacks. Tidy burlaps. Get some tidy burlaps. Yeah, just make them out of a potato bag.

Nice and rough. It just really chafes up your... That's really funny. Like a fucking carpenter's hand. Yeah, make a banana hammock out of some fucking burlap sacks. That'll fucking kill you right up. I mean, if you look at condoms, a lot of the condoms have lotion on it to help with the sensitivity so you last longer. Condoms.

But it's not really what they're trying to do, though. Yeah. I mean, don't they try to make it feel better? That's exactly the opposite of what they do They claim extra sensitivity Condoms, that's the number one selling point Is that they're more sensitive That's why they have lambskin ones

Like what you're saying is Brian I've never seen a condom That is designed to numb your dick up Is that real? They got dick-bombing condoms now? That's not the norm The norm is the opposite Yeah they have all different kinds.

Like Trojans has a four pack that has four different kinds. One that has ultra sensitive, one that has numbing, one that has numbing. I've never seen the numbing. Pull up the numbing because I've never seen that. Yeah, just the condom itself kind of takes away all the, you don't need the numbing. Well, the whole complaint that people have is that it's not sensitive enough. That's the number one complaint about condoms. It's not that you want to numb your dick up inside the condom totally i've never even heard of that

i don't know that's why i don't use them man they just make me so mad they make you numb comfortably numb um i mean i'm not saying that it doesn't exist but i would be really shocked and i think that's not the norm i'm sure it's the opposite i'm sure it exists just in the in the market of you know yeah market of premature ejaculation. Yeah, most people would want more sensitivity, though. Yeah, with a condom, for sure. It's just a weird thing. One is a more common one is Durex Performance Condoms,

which has a chemical inside it that's 5% benzocaine inside the condom, too. So it doesn't decrease your partner's enjoyment, but it helps with the control. Numbs it doesn't decrease your partner's enjoyment but it uh helps with the uh numbs your dick climax control is that really what it does it numbs the tip of your dick benzocaine is like that's like a cousin of lidocaine isn't it which is a cousin of cocaine shit but yeah yeah a lot of them have that kind of stuff a lot of them really yeah that's i can't imagine that that's common i mean even if it's one or two that have it i would imagine the vast majority are doing the sensitivity like trying to make it more sensitive i actually read recently that magnums aren't really bigger but they're like

marketed that way to make guys feel good about having a worm they are bigger that's but i don't know i've read that like they're like they're not really as big as a stick you know so the guys yeah dude i went magnum isn't there an Ultra Magnum? Yes. Yeah, that's for guys who actually have big dicks. Giant hogs. Yeah, huge hogs.

Just ridiculous. I can't even buy, they won't even let me buy. I can't even look at them at the store. Come on, dude. What are you doing? You playing games?

No, the old joke. Don't waste your money. There was one joke that everybody had. God damn it. It was one of those premises that everybody touched on about buying Magnums

and box rubber bands, please. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They stick their dick in the rubber band on the bottom of it. Right, to tighten it up. Cockering it down at the base. Yeah. Another one's Trojan Extended Pleasure, which makes you numb.

One guy in the reviews on Amazon says, made me so numb I couldn't feel a thing. Had to remove it and rinse off just to get feeling back to my penis wow wow great review well how about that one poor dude that came he comes like 100 times a day have you seen that yeah yeah he had a bulging disc he had a bulging disc in his back and something happened and he has like literally has a hundred sounds a lot like an urban legend i does you know he lives up the I swear. He's friends with my cousin. He's friends with my cousin. There was a woman that had it, too.

He comes at funerals and shit. Really? Yeah, he broke down in tears when he was talking about it. Jesus Christ. It's such a bizarre. And then he broke down in tears, and then the tear hit his cheeks, and he came. He came immediately. Tears make me cum.

A man who has 100 orgasms a day breaks down in tears on This Morning, I guess that's a TV show. Jesus Christ. As he reveals that it's ruining his life. So how did it happen? He had some sort of a weird injury. Look, this is a woman that has nonstop orgasms. Too much of a good thing. Wow.

Look at her. She looks like a dude. It's a dude. Where's the gal? She probably doesn't want everybody to see her face. That's a dude. Where's the gal? She probably doesn't want everybody to see her face. That's an odd. It wouldn't be funny if this guy was trolling. He's from Wisconsin.

He developed this persistent genital arousal syndrome. That's what they call it. In September of 2012, after slipping a disc in his back while getting out of a chair. Jesus Christ. Speaking on ITV this morning, the father of two explains, it's completely changed everything I've ever done. I can't do anything. I can't of a chair. Jesus Christ. Speaking on ITV this morning, the father of two explains, it's completely changed everything I've ever done. I can't do anything. I can't get a job.

You have to understand that in America, 90% of jobs are service industry and nobody would ever put me in front of their customers. So working is pretty much out of the question. So he's just coming all the time? I mean, that's what I'm saying. Like, how do you come that much in a day? I don't even understand.

Well, this guy's a weird looking dude, man. His fingers are all tattooed up. He's got, like, across his finger, his knuckles are tattooed. Yeah, I guess it's tough to get a job. I always think when a guy does that, like, he's probably a little on the edge.

I'm proficient in Microsoft Excel. Oh, shit, dude. You know what? We're going to keep looking. Thank you. You see, the problem is... You just come in my office, man. I don't know if this is true

because a producer could come up to this guy and ask him a question, and he could get on a television show, and how much vetting do they do? I mean, do they follow him around with a napkin? That's what I mean. I mean, you can't come a hundred times in a day. It doesn't even make sense. Yeah. He sounds like he just wants a reality show.

It could be, right? Yeah. Despite suffering from a near constant erection, Mr. and Mrs. Decker rarely have sex. Occasionally we will, but it's very frustrating for both of us. I've tried reading about it, tried going to doctors, but no one can help me. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just want to get my old life back. I just want to get back.

But what is the medical explanation of how a slipped disc can cause that? That's a very good question. I don't think it exists yeah you know i don't know it's except according to medical literature here's what it's saying trauma to the pelvic nerves can trigger hypersensitivity in this in this area the pelvic this painful pelvic condition has left him household housebound and isolated the fear of suffering a public orgasm through fear of suffering a public orgasm, through fear of suffering a public orgasm. Wow.

With even, some even causing him to drop to the floor. Imagine you're coming so hard you drop to the floor. Can I? This is so ridiculous. I mean, what do you mean? It's just called coming, right guys? He says there are different intensities. He says the ones that cause me to drop to the floor

feel like all the muscles from my chest to my thighs have gone rock hard and everything just seizes up. It hurts and it feels good at the same time. And you have all these things running through your head as they happen. You don't want to be around anyone, and you don't want anyone to see it. Jesus. He explains.

He must nap a ton. The guy's just coming all the time. Joe, do you ever have Real blue ball Where it actually hurt No But I had a dog once That I brought to the hospital

Cause I thought he was I thought he was really injured I thought something was wrong And he had blue balls Yeah How do they cure that They just jerk him off Remember Frank

He was going down the stairs And as he was going down the stairs He was Like walking down the stairs He was yiping And I was like You okay buddy? Come on what's the matter?

And I thought like He had broke his hip or something And he was like in agony So I carried him I picked him up I put him in the car And I drove him to the vet And the vet checked him

And he was wagging his tail At the vet's office And walking around He seemed kind of normal And I was like I don't know what happened He was going down hills And he was

He was in agony. He was yiping. And the vet checks his balls. He goes, look at this. So he had balls. That was what I was going to say. So he had balls. He had his balls.

But then in front of his balls, his dick had extra balls. He had these swollen glands on his dick. Jesus Christ. It was the weirdest shit ever. It was like he had an extra set of balls on his dick. So I go, what's going on? He goes, there's a bitch in heat in your neighborhood. That's an actual technical term.

It's called a bitch in heat. And he goes, and he's freaking out. I go, that's incredible. Like, he's so horny that he's in pain. That's crazy. He goes, yeah. He goes, it makes sense if he's going downstairs. You're just the juggling of your balls going down the stairs.

And he's a pit bull. Yeah. So he was, I mean, he could take all kinds of pain So I can't imagine the ball pain this poor guy was in. Dude, that's brutal. You just said lines from a 2 Live Crew song. What'd I say? A bitch and he, a freak without warning.

Cause me so horny. I actually had it once and it was the first time I ever made out with that porn star I used to the first porn star ever, and it hurt me for like hours. Wow. You know, there's a simple cure. Yeah, you'll beat off in the bathroom. She won't give you nothing. Jerk off in a sink.

You didn't know that that was the cure? I mean, it's well documented. Just shut the door, lock it, be... Jerk off? Just jerk off. I meant literally from driving home from her house, my first time meeting her, I remember pulling over going, like I've seen wow

never had that happen that is that's crazy that's a hot bitch that's what happens see I know I used bitch in the wrong way gotta be careful

well you're doing it specifically to teach a lesson to the kids listening yeah the proper way for the kids think about dogs think about what they go through

don't let it happen to you you can handle things they can't do anything about it remember kids if your dog is ever whimpering, first thing you should try to do is jerk it off. I had a friend

who used to jerk his dog off. No, you didn't? Yes, I did. How is that even a thing? He used to jerk his Rottweiler off with his foot. Why? Well, he would say

that the dog was in agony and he would help him out. So he'd put his foot on the dog's dick and just rub it back and forth and the dog would squirt all over his stomach. You're not like a Bob Barker fan

of getting your dog neutered? You're not into that? Well, my dogs are neutered now. I have two male dogs. They're both neutered. But I don't think it's necessary all the time. I think that people are concerned about prostate cancer and certain things. But my doctor, Dr. Craig, who's a veterinarian, he didn't believe in it.

He said, you don't need to. He goes, it's irresponsible to He goes It's irresponsible To let your dog breed With other dogs He goes But the testosterone That like When a person

Has their testicles removed Men no longer Produce testosterone They can get really depressed And he's like Your dog will have less energy He's like It's just

Is what's going to happen They will lose muscle Their body slims down And they'll probably Have less energy Wow And he's like It's not popular to say he goes but it's a physiological reality yeah yeah it's yeah it's definitely getting your balls cut off um you know there was a woman that there's some really

controversial um experiments that were done with dolphins in the 1960s and 70s this guy john lilly john lilly is this uh famous psychedelic pioneer He's one of the guys that, he invented the isolation tank, actually. And he was this guy who was, he was working on interspecies communications with dolphins. And he set up all these experiments. And one of the experiments he set up, this woman lived with a dolphin.

And by lived with it, I mean the dolphin was in a tank of water. The water was up to her waist. And she lived with this dolphin. She would walk around with the dolphin, and she would sleep there. She would climb up on a bed, and she would sleep on a bed. But when she was working,

when she was doing her... She was in the water. She was in the water, constantly with this dolphin. And the dolphin would get really horny, so she would jerk off the dolphin. And that was a big part of the controversy behind these experiments,

because in her mind, she was like, look, he was young, he's male, and and he was really distracted and he couldn't concentrate on the work and the work was they were trying to teach the dolphin try to speak english and they were trying to teach it how to say human type noises there's a um that's crazy there's a radio lab um podcast about it uh i'm trying to figure out what the dolphin masturbation about this very case about this very case is incredibly fascinating and uh i had always known about lily because i think it's called hello yeah it's called hello it's um it all is about the the uh the issues

with interspecies communication like dolphins they kind of understand the concept but they can't make the noise because they have a blowhole but But this lady was trying. She was living with this thing for a long time and she was jerking the dolphin off. Between that and Lily was doing acid and they cut off funding. It's like I respect the effort, but at the same time

the minute you're jerking off the dolphin. How else does she do that? Maybe you get another dolphin. You don't have to live with the dolphin. There's got to be a better way. I think they were concerned. I can't imagine that dolphin was fucking happy. I can't imagine he was like, this is great.

I'm living with a lady. I don't know if he thought it was bad. I mean, we have this big hang-up about sexuality. But imagine if you had an itch on your back and you couldn't reach it. And you were being taken care of by someone and they scratched your back for you. Like, oh, thank you. No, I just mean I would always lean towards, like, if I can put the dolphin.

Yeah, I mean, I'm more of a don't jerk an animal off kind of a guy. But I just mean there's, my point is, well, then maybe get a better facility to keep the dolphin in, get a couple of dolphins, let them live, put them in a, I don't know. I mean, you know, anytime you have an animal in captivity, it's pretty fucked up, but I don't know that jerking them off is the right way to do it. If you had to choose one, which one would you do? do which what if you had to choose an animal to jerk off

that's it you know a lot of people ask me this question i would not do it with a monkey because if you do it wrong they'll bite you yeah i think doing the monkey would be a little bit too much like just doing it with a dude if you're really rough and you're jerking off a monkey and they just sunk their teeth in your thumb i don't like how you're working their balls. No, I'd go exotic. I'd go like giraffe. Because it's tall, you can stand. But they might come and kick you in the head and you'd die.

They might. Look, there's always a risk. There's always a risk when you're an animal master. He was the executive producer of the Daily Show. No one said it was an easy job, Joe. Successful stand-up comedian. He died jerking off a donkey. I think it's a terrible way to go.

I'd do Koala Bear because they're so cute. Oh, they are cute. Do you know they rape a lot? Yeah. Really? Koala Bears are famous for raping each other. Well, there you go. They're vicious.

When they fuck, they bite. Really? Fucking, yeah. Get crazy. Yeah. I did not know that. Yeah, you don't want to jerk off Koala Bears. That's what I'm saying.

They'll bite you. They'll bite the shit out of you. Yeah, I'm going to need to sleep on this. I'll let you guys that. Yeah, you don't want to jerk off quavos. That's what I'm saying. They'll bite you. They'll bite the shit out of you. Yeah, I'm going to need to sleep on this. I'll let you guys know. Yeah, let's put this to a test. I mean, what she did was ridiculous, but only ridiculous by our cultural standards. If you think about it biologically, the real issue biologically is you're right. You shouldn't have a dolphin in captivity like that.

Yeah, that's all. But in the podcast, they sort of document why they did it because it's really hard to communicate with dolphins in the wild. Yeah. I did this thing in Hawaii recently where we went swimming with the dolphins. Yeah, I've done that. I had my four-year-old with me, too, and she was in the water right next to me. Literally, I was holding onto her while we were swimming, and she's got the scuba mask

on and shit, and she's snorkeling, looking down while the dolphins swim underneath it. It's amazing. Yeah. It's amazing. It's amazing. And they're wild. These are not like sea world dolphins. These are not like sea world dolphins. And they'll sonar you.

It's fucking cool. And they'll get near you. They'll make weird noises and shit. I like that the lady, every time it talked, according to my calculations, he's saying, jerk me off. I'm just listening to him. I mean, we don't know that for sure. Trust me. I speak dolphin. He wants to be jerk me off i'm just listening to him but i mean we don't know that for sure trust me i speak dolphin he wants to be jerked off it was apparently her leg it was humping her leg that's

weird it was like so just reach down there give him a handy and then back to work back to school yeah the dolphin was never gonna be able to speak human i think it'd probably easier for a person to learn how to speak dolphin for sure we can vary can vary. They have a blowhole, man. Yeah. They're not making much sound out of that fucking thing. I also think at some point, you know, there's no real need to speak dolphin. That's a very good point. You know what I mean? I mean, in other words, we

know they can communicate with each other, and like, that's fine. You know? We could use them as weapons, though. Well, obviously. Well, they already have. They've already, the Navy's done that a long time ago. They did. The Navy did something with dolphins. Put bombs on them and taught them how to go near fucking ships. Yeah, or to like blow up mines or something. They didn't use them for anything.

They should. How crazy is that, man? Yeah. They're really smart, too. Yeah, they're really smart. This is a dark thing that we do when we keep dolphins in captivity. If we were mermen, that would be man's best friend. You know what I mean?

Like if we lived in the ocean, that'd be dog. We'd all have dolphins. Imagine if they looked like people, but with tails, but they were all the same color as a dolphin, and they did breathe air, so they came out for air, but we didn't understand them because they spoke like dolphins. Would we be comfortable if they lived the exact same life? Would we be comfortable with them in captivity then? No.

Of course not. No. But imagine if they looked like fucking Triton with blue skin and a fucking beard and they had arms and shit and a human face, but they would talk like... Fuck the shit out of them. And they lived... But they didn't have...

I don't think... Probably might be a way to work around it. But I don't think it'd be that easy. I'm getting a... I'm literally getting a call from the Sci-Fi Network. They want to do it. They said yes. I mean, what if it looked a little bit more like a person?

Yeah. Like it had a mouth and a nose and ears. We have apes in captivity with no issue. Very good point. We have fucking apes, you know, doing all sorts of horrible shit. Don't you think that's because we've had them for the longest time? Yes. Did you know they used to have a black guy in the Bronx Zoo?

What's that say? They had a black guy in the zoo, in the Bronx Zoo. Yes, they had an African for a short period of time in the Bronx Zoo. When was that? I think it was like the early 1900s. Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, African man. When you learn things like this, it makes you...

Please do not feed the African. Yeah, it was crazy shit, man. Jesus Christ. His name was Otabenga. He was a pygmy. Wow. And he was, wow. He was, this is really crazy.

He was known for being featured in an anthropology exhibit in the Louisiana Purchase Exposition in St. Louis, Missouri in 1904. And in a controversial human zoo exhibit in 1906 in the Bronx Purchase Exposition in St. Louis, Missouri in 1904 in a controversial human zoo exhibit in 1906 in the Bronx Zoo. Wow. He had been freed from an African slave trader by the explorer Samuel Phillips Varner, a businessman. You're free.

Now get into this zoo cage. Yeah, he traveled with this guy to the United States. Jesus Christ, 1906 too. That's just not that long ago. Yeah. At the Bronx Zoo, he was exhibited in the zoo's monkey house.

Wow. Whoa. I mean, to be fair. Whoa. Holy shit. Dude. Well, they would file their teeth down. That's like a part of their culture in a lot of those.

That is scary. It's crazy. Well, that's not that long ago, man. That's 108 years or something. 108 years, yeah. Yeah, that's fucking nuts. ago man it's a hundred hundred and eight years yeah yeah that's fucking nuts that's scary people are weird yeah that's gonna be like another hundred years we were like you remember that lady who jerked off the dolphin can you believe they let that happen it's just weird when you see these sort of things that happen not that long ago and we looked at it

as is that baby in a zoo yeah african girl in human zoo oh my god what year is that uh i'll find out that is fucking creepy as shit it says throughout the late 19th century and well into the 1950s africans in some cases native americans were kept as exhibits in zoos so up to late as 1950 that's, you know, like we were talking about early about the evidence of evolution, or we should probably say progress. They hate it when we say evolution. You talk about human progress, like thinking. It's not really evolution. Evolutionary is a biological term.

Right. But human progress, like there's pretty clear evidence that something's going on. And in this abandonment of retard and and these words we don't want to let go ultimately it seems to kind of be moving in a better direction yeah i would say that like anytime you're resistant to that stuff it's it's a natural impulse to like fuck that i'm not changing but then the reality is you're always kind of on the wrong side of history right if you don't at some point go i actually understand that there's a group of people who associate themselves with this term and it makes them feel like shit if i say it and you know there's going to be ones that i give in on

and ones i probably don't and as i you know become more mature i try my best you know like i get it if you have a kid with down syndrome you don't want to hear me call something retarded i totally get it you know and like you know like the word fag is a word that i used to say like i didn't think it meant anything but i don't ever I will call it the F word now. I really do. In fact, I just said it now and I realized. You did say it. It's been a long time.

It's over. God, it felt so good. I dropped an N-bomb earlier. Yeah, you did. You did. Dude, thank you very much, man. This is a fun podcast. Yeah, I had a blast with you guys.

Thank you so much, man. I really appreciate it. Big fan of this. This was extremely fun for me and cool for me to do. Oh, it was fun for us, too, man. You're fucking hilarious. Anytime you want to come back on, man. I appreciate it.

Yeah, no, I've been doing... Where can people see you? Oh, all right. Well, I'm going to be at the Stress Factory. Awesome club. Yeah, I love that club. In October 17th and 18th. That's in New Jersey?

Yeah, in New Brunswick. And then I'm going to be working on this new show for Comedy Central for a little while, doing gigs around Manhattan. But my last kind of headlining gig is at the Stress Factory for a little while. And this show, is this the Neil Brennan show? No, it's the one with Larry Wilmore. It's the one taken over for Colbert. Oh, beautiful.

It's called Minority Report. Awesome. And when does that start? It starts January 19th. That's when it's on TV? It's going to be a totally cool different show. Well, let us know. We'd be happy to tweet that and promote that.

You guys are the best. Thank you. The Twitter is Rory Albanese. A-L-B-A-N-E-S-E. R-O-Y. Come out to the Stress Factory, man. It'll be fun. Yeah.

Thank you guys again. Rory. Not Rory. Rory Albanese. Albanese. I like how you used the dollar sign on your name. Yeah. Well, you know.

That's how you do it. Come see me at the Stress Factory. Hilarious stand-up comedian. All right comedian all right thank you everybody we'll see you soon big kiss