The Joe Rogan Experience - #56 - Johnny Pemberton

Episode Date: November 23, 2010

Joe sits down with Johnny Pemberton.

Hollaback. Let's do it. Here we go. Buy it, use it, break it, fix it, trash it, change it, mail, upgrade it, charge it, point it, zoom it, press it, snap it, work it, quick erase it, write it, cut it, paste it, save it, load it, check it, quick rewrite it, plug it, play it, burn it, rip it, drag it, drop it, zip and zip it, lock it, fill it, call it, find it, view it, code it, jump and lock it, surf it, scroll it, pose it, click it, cross it, crack it, switch, update it, name it, read it, tune it, print it, scan it, send it, fax, rename it gem unlock it surf it scroll it pose it click it cross it crack it switch update it name it read it tune it print it scan it send it fax rename it touch it bring it pay it watch it turn it leave it stop format it buy it use it break it fix it trash it change it mail upgrade it charge it point it zoom it press it snap it work it quick erase it write it get it paste it save it load it check it quick rewrite it plug it play it Paste it Save it Load it Check it Quick rewrite it Plug it

Play it Burn it Rip it Drag it Bluff it Zip and zip it Lock it Fill it

Call it Find it View it Code it Jump and lock it Surf it Scroll it Pose it

Click it Cross it Crack it Switch update it Name it Read it Tune it Print it

Scan it Send it Fax rename it Touch it Ring it Pay it Watch it Turn it

Leave it Stop or mad it Technologic Technologic. Technologic. That's a song that's not really a song. That's strange. It turns into more of a song, but yeah. It starts out just words.

Right. Are there electronic words, right? Yeah. So it is sort of a musical note, right? Yeah. Sort of. I mean, it's electronic, right? Yeah.

It's instructions. Yeah. It's like digital music, right? I mean, it is, right? It's a sound., right? Yeah. It's instructions. Yeah. It's like digital music, right? I mean, it is, right? It's a sound. It's in harmony. It's music. Yeah, that's Daft Punk Technologic.

And actually, did you know Daft Punk did the whole new Tron movie coming out? The whole entire soundtrack for it. That's crazy. I love it when that happens. It's kind of interesting now, these digital musicians, you know, because they're legit musicians, you know. And for the longest time, a guy who even played keyboards, you remember when Jump came out for Van Halen? Right. And everybody was like, what the fuck is all this?

That's like electronic bullshit. That's not fucking rock and roll. Well, that's what they've been in the keytards, just to legitimize the... Rock and roll is guitars and fucking drums and shit that's hard. You feel the echo, The chords actually ring. We won't get food again. It's not... But man, shit has come a long way.

Now it's like an art form of itself. Digital music is legit now. It's beeping. That We Want Your Soul song that we played here before? Yeah. I fucking love that song, man. That song creeps me out, man. Yeah, it's a good song.

Before we go any further, let's introduce our guest. He is Johnny Pemberton. You may have known him or may know him from MTV's Mega Drive, and I'm watching a video of it right now. It's available online. And he gets in some fucking dope-ass, orange, badass dick mobile. I don't know what it is, but it looks awesome. Is it the sports car? Yeah. We have to say, before we go any further, our podcast is sponsored by The Fleshlight. fucking dope-ass, orange, badass dick mobile. I don't know what it is, but it looks awesome.

Is it the sports car? Yeah. We have to say, before we go any further, our podcast is sponsored by The Fleshlight. Have you ever used one of these, fella? I have not. You ever touched one? I haven't touched one.

Nobody has had sex with that, so it's clean. Put your finger inside of it. They are our only sponsor for the show, and they're really nice guys. We hang out with them when we're in Austin. They're fucking great. Chris Marcus, one of the guys who works for the company, has actually been on the podcast.

They should make a self-defense version of that. It looks like you can clock somebody with that over the head. It's pretty heavy. It would be better if it was metal instead of a fake pussy substance. That's what it's to do. Or if you had the container with some sort of shards on the outside of it, you could be... Yeah, I guess, but then that's just a weapon.

That's like a cudgel. Then you're going back in time. If you're going to have something this big, shouldn't you have a gun? Maybe you can't have a gun. I don't know. Guns aren't that cheap. Unless somebody attacks you in bed or something. That's true.

But a lot of people sleep with a gun under their pillow. Talk about having some fucking crazy dreams. God, it would suck. How about that? Roll over and you sleep and you feel the cold gun. You're like, oh yeah, that's under my pillow. I'm paranoid about having

a gun in my house just because if I come home too stoned or drunk one day and I'm like, hey, guns. I can't imagine having it in bed when you're half asleep going, hey, guns. Can you get that stoned?

Well, I mean, drunk and stoned together, I guess. Yeah, that's not a good combo. It's like you're enlightened and you're sure of it. Right. I'm scared I'll shoot somebody. That is what it is, right? Drunk and stoned is like you're enlightened and you're sure of it right i'm scared i'll like shoot somebody that is what it is right drunk and stone is like you're enlightened and you're arrogant about it it's like you're tuned into the universe and you want everybody to know come on man

i got this good in so what was this orange car that i'm watching you drive this fucking insane sports car that is a spiker c8 lavia. It's like a custom-made sports car. It costs like $300,000 or something like that. God damn. It's like the whole inside is bespoke. And it was really nice.

It was the kind of thing where I was... One of the few things I was really afraid to drive because unlike, you know, a $300,000 scoop loader or something, those things are meant

to get dirty and kind of kick it. But this thing, I sat on the hood of it and afterwards it was like you realize you could have destroyed that car just because it's made of aluminum yeah you can't sit on someone's hood when they got a 300 on it i kind of like i'm looking at you right now son you're laying on it i was evenly distributing my weight oh you're like a geisha yeah you would even crush a pea i was laying upon it it's like the princess and the pea that's how it was remember that story he sort of too chastised me for that because i guess even a dent would mean we'd be paying for it yeah man you can't

be fucking with a car like this you're supposed to drive it gingerly did you go off the track at all we did well he was driving and we tried to do the stunt where we we pulled it onto a moving red carpet where uh maybe you might be able to see it in a second. I'm watching you put nails out for somebody. That was for my car. We had him race my car, which is a 1991 Honda Accord. Why did you have him blow out your tires? Oh, because why not, I guess.

Just for a TV show? Yeah, it's not like it's... That shit's dangerous though, isn't it? He's a professional driver. Oh, okay. He had it. But he had no idea that you were going to do that to him? it was really your car he had he had some idea something's going to happen okay yeah so he knew they sign away everything of course yeah that's what they

did on fear factor too you have to sign away everything but so tell me the premise of the series because i'm seeing you right now you got to drive this killer car yeah and then you fuck up your car it's pretty simple the premise it's one of those things where it's very simple it's also kind of hard to explain as soon as people see it like oh i get it right away so they see the video but basically i travel around the country and i drive or fly or go inside of different sort of weird vehicles like submarines or um you know tanks uh stunt planes fighter jets anything like that all kinds of weird stuff and i meet the guys who own operate operate, or have built these things. And I kind of get to know them, get to know the vehicle, and then I learn how to drive.

Well, you're driving this $300,000 car I'm watching now. You guys are driving it up a ramp onto a moving truck. Yeah, that's where we almost crashed. Oh, my God. I'm watching it right now. It went sideways and spun out. Yeah, and he was freaked out. That was about, oh, man, that was freaked out. That was the dumbest idea ever.

The fucking ramp had a carpet on it. The carpet sliding. We're trying to drive it on a moving red carpet. That is a ridiculous sign. That's the big point of the show. We do all these things that you're not supposed to do with these vehicles. So it's like Top Gear for retards. Yeah.

I don't know about for retards. Not to retards. For me. My kind of retard. Not retarded like real down syndrome, but retarded like I'm a retard. And the whole idea is that I really have no, I'm not a good driver. I'm not a professional driver. I don't really know what I'm doing at all.

You must be getting better with all this driving, though. I'm getting better. I feel like I can operate, like during the zombie apocalypse, I'll be able to jump into one of 36 different vehicles and operate them to plow people over. I think on a racetrack like this, like what you're here right now, this looks different vehicles and operate them to plow people over. I think on a racetrack like this, like what you're here right now, this looks like a fucking fun place to drive a fast car. It was pretty fun. Having a fast car on the street is kind of stupid, you know, because if you crashed into somebody, God, you feel like such a douchebag.

Yeah, you can't open it up either. You can't really let it out. Right, but having something like this, like you've got here on this track, that must be so much fun. I need to do that. That's something you need to do. You could probably easily do that. You could rent a track. Yeah.

And you just rent a car. Right. They'll let you rent a Porsche or something. Or you bring your own car. Yeah. I want to get like a nice Honda Civic, just ready to die Honda Civic. You can just destroy it. Just drive it to death.

Now, you look like such a nice young man. You look like a very friendly, not violent, not crazy person. I'm a friendly guy. I'm a friendly guy. But you like to smash it. I am. There definitely is a, you don't necessarily get what you see with me. So a lot of people are shocked when I say fuck or something like that.

Right. So, hey, who, what are you? So it's kind of cool for you hosting this show. Yeah, it's really great. To me, I'm a stand-up comedian and stuff, so that's what of cool for you hosting this show yeah it's really great because to me it's you know I'm a stand up comedian and stuff so that's what I do

normally would be doing anyways is just running my mouth right and being a smart ass which is kind of the what I do on the show essentially

we're actually doing a show tomorrow night together we're both in improv yeah we are at the Hollywood Improv yeah this is like the

ultimate promo show right here for the Hollywood Improv yeah it'll probably be sold out. So if you want tickets, you've got to jump on that shit. They sell that place out every week. They have this thing called Comedy Juice. If you're ever in Hollywood and you're around on Wednesday nights,

there's a 10 o'clock show at the Improv. Very good. And they get some of the best comics in the world. Yeah, tomorrow is Natasha Leggero, Brent Weinbach. I don't think who tomorrow is uh it's natasha leggero brent weinbach i don't think who else is doing it both well they're both amazing so yeah there's a lot of good talent in hollywood and you know they need to work shit out and that's where we usually go wednesday night at that place is a good place to work shit out that's where i was going i always want like whenever i go on the road if i have to do like a weekend you know if we do like a bunch

of shows i always want to like knock the dust off first i always want to do like a weekend, you know, if I do like a bunch of shows, I always want to like knock the dust off first. I always want to do like a Wednesday night show. That to me, my shows always go better when I do something like that. So the improv is perfect for that. That's a great place to fuck around.

Yeah. Better like a bar, a random bar. Yeah, these fucking, the problem with these bar places, like these bar comedy shows that people are doing,

is it's still a bar, man. Freddy Soto said it best, God bless his soul. He was, soto said it best god bless his soul he was uh when he was like god bless his soul that freddie sounded like my grandmother he was an awesome dude what else can you say he's a great guy he's he passed away years ago but he would uh get offered all the time to do these comedy clubs like uh not comedy clubs rather but a comedy show like comedy night at mcfucklehut bar down the street and he would say no thank you

I appreciate the offer but you know I only do comedy clubs and that's really the really way you should do it you know it would be nice

I mean I wish I could say that but I mean I feel like I owe a lot of my comedy to doing to learning how to do comedy in the worst place in the whole fucking universe

which is the Big Fish Bar and Grill in Glendale which we used to do a show my friend Doug did a a show there every doug and deborah did a show there every single tuesday and this was like there's this was in a total locals bar right anyone who walked in there who was doing anything other than who was if you didn't know if they didn't know you they're like look at you like you're crazy let alone a fucking comedy show where half the comedians are open micers and stuff and so it was really that was like being purified through pain for like two years so i feel like there's nothing

that is a good point i went there once once for a show and i that's the only time i've ever been to this place and uh like tim and tim and eric did a set yeah well and i didn't character yeah they didn't this was like three years ago four years years ago? This was three years ago, right. That's how I know them. I met them because they used to be hosted by Doug. He was one of my best friends, Doug Lessenhoff in Denver. And Doug works on the Tim and Eric show. He's the editor and writer of the show. So it's sort of like hangout zone for them.

Cool. So this Mega Drive show that you do, you've actually done fighter jets too. And you puked, didn't you, when you did it? I didn't puke in the fighter jet because it was the second thing we flew. The first thing was a stunt plane that did like, it can do every possible thing in the air that it doesn't seem possible. Even, he let me

fly it too. He's like, you have the stick, you have control. So I'm sitting there like, really? He's like, yeah, just pull back. You pull back and you literally just does a loop, no problem. It's easier than a video game. But I did throw up in that thing all over the place. I did a loop in F.A. 18. Man.

I did a whole run, a ride with the Blue Angels. It was one of the bits that I did in one of my past specials was about it, about how fucking crazy the experience is. But that ultimately pussy's better. No reason to really fly that fast. There's other shit you could do here that's way better. It's scary, but it's not like the same thing. It's pretty intense, though.

The physical demands. That's what freaked me out. I always thought, for some reason, that it was like driving a car. You just kind of steer and you hit the gas. You never really get that far or that fast where there's a lot of G-force on your body. Even if you really stop the gas, what is that? Like a tenth of your body weight coming at you?

Like, wow, it really threw me back in my seat. You don't even know what throw you back in your seat is until you're in like a fucking fighter jet. You pull like 6G turn where you can't even move your arms

and you have to do that, like the special breathing so you don't pass out. I think I got to 6.5 or 7 Gs before I couldn't take anymore. That's the line right there. But it was hard. But it's good because I'm short. Because fighter pilots are supposed to be under six feet tall.

Because the amount of pressure for them, it's so intense. Because the blood has to travel further to their brain. So they black out quicker. You do a thing called hooking. And this is what you really do. You hold on to your seatbelt or you hold on to the stick. And you go like this. And you're forcing blood into your face.

You're forcing it into your head. You're going, and this plane's going. The fucking pressure is insane. And it literally is like closing an elevator door. It's like your consciousness, you can see it black on both sides. I felt a little bit of that. You're fighting it off. This guy could go to 13 Gs,

the fighter pilot. Wow. That's fucking incredible. He goes to 13 Gs without a pressure suit. They have suits where you can go more Gs, but he wasn't wearing a G suit.

The Blue Angels don't wear them, or they didn't at the time. Those little, those Red Bull racer planes, those things pull like 20 Gs regularly. How do you stay conscious? I don't get it.

I mean, I think Skybee's part of the G suit. It's the training. It's all the, everything. I regularly. How do you stay conscious? I don't get it. I mean, I think SkyBee is part of the G-Suit. It's the training. It's all the same thing. I don't know how you stay conscious. That's retarded. I went unconscious accidentally because there was more G's than I expected. I did the higher thing, but then when we were coming in, we pulled this really hard one, and I don't know how many G's it was when I blacked out.

Really? Yeah. How long were you out for? Like a second. Wow. I don't know. It wasn't long, but it was like, whoa. That's a crazy blackout to come back from.

Like, whoa, what happened? What? Yeah. He said I just went out for a couple seconds, but I felt it. Like, I felt popping back on, you know, when the G-Force leveled out. But it's because I didn't do the hooking thing. Did they do any of those 1G barrel rolls? We did everything.

We did loops. We did this. We did loops. We did this. We strafed this. There's like this mountain canyon and he simulated what it would be like if you were in Afghanistan. So this is actually before the war.

This is like 99. And he's simulating what it would be like. He goes, we're only going to go about 200, 300 feet above the ground. You cool with that?

Oh, man. I'm like, 300 feet. That's a lot, right? We're good, right? All right, come on. Let's do this. Before you know it, this guy's like straight top gun.

He's like one of those real guys, you know, real fucking fighter pilots. Yeah, they're all crazy like that. They have to be. We're going into the mountains like, going around these fucking. That shit's cool to me. 200 feet above the ground, man. Wow. Whipping through.

It was so crazy. And then they have these targets. They do it out in the desert between Vegas and LA. And they have these targets all laid out on the ground where they practice dropping shit on. So other,

you know, at this Air Force base, other fighter jets, you know, the Blue Angels, I don't think they drop bombs. Yeah, they're just ex-fighter pilots.

Yeah, but so they have like practice ranges, man. They're fucking dropping bombs out there in the desert. Like dummy bombs, you know. Working on their accuracy. It is one thing when I was in the, this is like a Czechoslovakian fighter jet called an L-39.

He can do this barrel roll where they keep it at gravity. So there's no, they do it just enough to where there's, it's the same amount of gravity you would feel on Earth, even though you're upside down. Wow. So you feel like you could throw a ball in the air, but come back down the same as on Earth because he's. What? It's some sort of very regimented type of barrel roll where you're pulling out. You know that whole theory like in space stations?

It's completely upside down, but because of the momentum of the plane going down, you can be upside down and throw a ball up and it will come back. Right, right to your hand. I mean, they have to keep the roll going to maintain it. Right, right to your hand. I mean, they have to keep the roll going to maintain it. It's like, you know those spaceship designs with the giant wheel where they spin just enough to keep gravity on the outer rim? It's like, that's in 2001, isn't it? I think I've seen that.

I think it's basically that. It's like centrifugal force or something like that. That's amazing. That was so cool. That was really cool. Just the fact that someone figured that you could do that, and then they tried it out, and then they figured out exactly how to pull it off.

And in formation. Upside down, throwing something up in the air, and it comes right back to you, just as if you were right side up. Wow. That's fucking nuts. It was cool. I fucking, I don't know if I would be, I'm not, I don't have enough self-control to be doing a show like that. I would do something stupid. I did take a couple shits in the woods when I had to when you had to yeah that's about it and you've wrecked a few

things though you you've actually have mtv has they have their full episodes on mtv but they also have like this whole thing where the things you've wrecked would you yep um i mean like wreck wrecked i guess it's kind of different levels the The very first day we shot was... Is that like rape, rape? Yeah. I don't know. It was just the head. It wasn't like the full... No, wreck, wrecked. And I didn't destroy anything. Nothing was like destroyed, like, okay, it's totaled.

But the very first day I crashed an aerial atom. That was totally by accident because I was trying to, you know, go a little faster, Johnny, on this curve so it looks better. And I'm like, okay, fine. What's an aerial atom? It's this little race car. It's an open air. It's basically a fucking go-kart with a really big Honda engine in it that goes.

What? They're so sick. It goes so fast. It's tiny. It's a cage, just basically a cage around wheels. It's ridiculous. And they have exposed all the suspension and everything is exposed. So it's just the wheels and these rods and shit and you know this little cone of a body

it's like there's nothing there yeah and it goes like 0-60 faster than any street legal car did you hurt yourself doing it no it was super i mean so lucky it's only like you know total first day stroke of luck where i happened to hit the very last like few inches of the warning uh guard that has like a bunch of tires stacked up so we ran into these tires which are soft and cushiony but just a few it was inches the wheel got hung up inches away from where it would have smashed into this big metal guard galvanized steel guard rail so that would have fucked you up too right in that little thing we're only going like 30 or 40 but probably would have fucked this up a little bit at least would have fucked the machine up and

i would have been sort of in trouble. So you get in trouble if you crash, but you're not supposed to know what you're doing. That's the thing. It's like I don't get in trouble. It's actually like MTV gets in trouble, but the producers are like, thank you. Thank you for doing that. So they're happy there's controversy because that'll sell, get more people to watch it. Yeah, it's more fun when crazy shit happens.

Do they give you instruction? Like, hey, don't get crazy. Go out there and do this. Or what do they say to you? I mean, in general, it's sort of like, just have fun, but try not to kill anybody.

So they have meetings with you? Like, all right, Johnny, I want to make sure we're all on the same page here. We have safety meetings. It's like, these are where the cameras are going to be.

These are where, you know, don't go over there. I'm always on walkie, so for the most part. So it's pretty safe. At at the same time it's also it sounds like a cool ass show though it was incredibly fun to make it's also really scary sometimes it sounds like a more interesting uh idea than like the top gear show i love that show i think that jeremy clarkson guy's hilarious yeah he's really great i guess there's an american version that's coming out. Yeah, they're making one now.

But Jeremy Clarkson is so awesome. I don't know why you would need to make an American version. But the point is that he's at his best when he's reviewing crazy cars. But they have to review a lot of shit, like normal cars. They spend a lot of their time reviewing trucks and shit. And this is a minivan, and here's why it's silly. That's not interesting to me. I want to see him in Ferraris. When he'sivan and here's why it's silly you know that's not interesting to me i want to see him in ferraris you know when he's in ferraris they're it's awesome right screaming the guy like legitimately he's in his 50s legitimately

loves cars you can so sing it he just he's singing it when he's when he's when he's in the car he's like yelling out like he loves it like it makes it fun. And people love anything that goes forward on wheels at all. They freak out about it. We went to this, like, this rally in, where was it? Like, someplace in Florida. Tarpon Springs, Florida, I think. And they have these swamp buggies. I've never seen this in my life.

They look like a giant, like, rocket. They have these flat wheels on each side. And they can go 70 miles an hour in four feet of standing water. Wow. What the fuck? There's thousands of people here, thousands of rednecks going crazy in these campgrounds around this mud bog, and they have all these different heats and races.

There must be a couple hundred, at least a hundred of these things there. I've never even heard of it in my entire life yet. This is like someone's life. You want this is $200,000 on this thing this is not so far removed from some sort of a fucking scene in the Hobbit movie village a bunch of weirdos something that no one ever expected I felt I felt very out of place there I had like some yeah I was just constantly I felt like how the hills have eyes always like people looking at me like look at that boy down there we're gonna cut him up we gotta bag it on the march around here i felt a little bit uh intimidated there's a lot of those

people out there oh yeah and that's what people don't realize because they're not represented that well in the media but there's a fucking lot there's more than us you know yeah most likely totally yeah right yeah well that was where i got an accident that during that shoot actually i was driving this little weird different kind of mud buggy doesn't go as fast and i the thing doesn't have brakes by some special invention of the clutch and gas you can you know downshift to make it stop but i just i totally forgot that i was leaving the water and i smashed right into this guy's brand new like f-350 or something like that brand new and i smashed right into it and was like all of a sudden people started coming out of the woods and like

what this guy what this guy do over here get a rope new york city get a rope people i thought i was gonna get lynched on these these redneck campgrounds in Florida. But luckily I got, yeah. Do you have like bodyguards or any kind of security on the staff to just in case help you? No, not at all. Not even one? There's PAs and stuff, obviously. But who knows if they would be able to stop the redneck mob that wanted to destroy me for hitting the truck. But everything worked out.

We settled up with them and everything. But it was a little scary for about 15 seconds. I was like, I'm strapped into this thing. Goddamn them and everything, but it was a little scary for about 15 seconds. I was like, this is some strapped in this thing. Damn dude. Yeah. It was a little spooky. I think that's on next week's episode. I'm pretty sure.

Yeah. Was that the most freaked out you ever were? Um, no, I think it's the most freaked out. I was probably with this crane. yeah. Okay.

That's a good preface with that. Uh, the crane, cause we, there's like a, a Man basket Or a man bucket They call these

The thing You know like The cherry picker Yeah To send the guy up To wherever So this is A cherry picker

It's like You know Ten times as high Fuck How high Well this thing Can go like A thousand feet

Or something like that But I wasn't that high Dude there was a video Of these Russian kids Have you seen that video Of these kids 900 feet On this building Construction They're walking out On these these kids? 900 feet on this building construction.

They're walking out on these beams. Yes. And 900 feet. Are those like the parkour kids kind of or no? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. These are just kids that were just standing there. It was so high up, they were just standing. And they're standing on these beams.

And you can't watch it without making a walnut crushing motion with your asshole. You know, you just tighten up and like, oh my God, just watching the video is such a fucking freak out. I've seen a video like that where it was either hiking or bike riding on these like small paths on the side of this mountain. And the guy had like a cam on him or where he's just walking thousands and thousands of feet up. And then you could just see holes in the stone. Like, oh my God, I forget that.

There's something about heights that really really freaks people out it's like nature's trying to tell you hey stupid don't go anywhere fucking near that

you can't get used to I mean you can get used to it but if you are used to it there's something weird about that you got issues son there's something wrong with you I can look out the second

window of the second floor and I get scared yeah that's terrifying so you were higher than that so this was at 900 feet were you that high there was two different things that was i was about maybe 200 feet when i was in this peter pan

costume and i and i was like flying over this lumber yard fucking with people and i also did this thing i where i pretended to be a guy who worked there and i kept descending from the roof taking people's receipts and they're they're different things and just you know like it was like a little kind of drop-in maneuver and the exit of the building It was like a little drop-in maneuver on the exit of the building. That was fun. 200 feet. Yeah, but I was in a harness

with an invisible cable. So that was pretty fucking scary. Are those comfortable at all? It was really uncomfortable. It seems like it would be a serious ball crusher. It wasn't as much a ball crusher as it was like a chest and body crusher. Really?

Also, it feels nice though when it's tight because if Really? But also, it feels nice, though, when it's tight. Because if it's not tight, it's like, you know, you can't feel anything. Fuck, that has to be so crazy. So you're just wearing some suit with wires attached to the suit. Yeah. And it's connecting you to, how long is the wire? The wire, I mean, I don't know, probably 100 feet or so. Fuck, 100 feet of wire and you're 200 feet above the ground.

Yeah, something like that i mean we would i would drop down to the ground and stuff but at one point i was pretty hot maybe not 200 feet i don't it's tough to say because it's it's 60 feet and 200 feet they're all kind of the same because they're all pretty much gonna die if you fall so there's like a your brain stops carrying after a certain point i think we used to do these stunts on fear factor where we would have these people like walk across beams across two buildings and to this day thinking about looking over those edges just thinking about every now and then i look over the edge just thinking about that right now makes my whole body go what the fuck are you doing get away from there yeah it's so unnatural such a it's such a like primal feeling you know it's so unnatural. It's such a primal feeling. It's your body going, no, stupid.

Get away from there. Anytime I'm in a hotel over a certain amount of floors, it's just freaky. I cannot do that shit. I like it, though. I think it's kind of, I enjoy it. I like being scared. You enjoy the rush? Yeah, I like freaking the shit out of myself.

Are you a daredevil with other things? Do you do skateboarding or any other crazy shit? No condom? Not really. Only in me. Right. I used to do a lot of rock climbing stuff as a kid and bungee jumping and crap. Oh, yeah?

Honestly, I feel like when I started doing comedy, I stopped doing that stuff because I feel like comedy is one of the best rushes there is. Yeah. I feel like that's way better than almost anything. And it'll only kill your soul. Right, yeah. It won't kill your body. I saw a video of a dude bungee jumping once, and that was it for me. He miscalculated the amount of bungee he needed, and he hit the fucking ground hard.

Did he die? No. It was even worse than dying, because his whole body was just broken. And he's screaming in agony, and then he bounces and hits it again. Fuck just broken and he's screaming in agony and then he bounces and hits it again and then he's screaming in agony he's just broken broken arms broken like i mean he hits this motherfucker hard and he's he's wearing a camera oh shit so it's all on camera at least you see it's horrendous just the pain that this guy's feeling you can tell when he hits a second time because he's already broken everything in his fucking body on the first one, because the bungee

cord didn't really break. He basically jumped off a bridge, and it really didn't stop him at all. So this motherfucker slams the ground with three quarters of whatever velocity that you would normally have. So he's jacked. Everything's broken. He bounces up in the air, and then when he hits it again, the, oh my God, why me? He said that?

No, but you could feel that. You know what I'm saying? It's like, no, why? They're telling you how to. Bang! And that was it for me. I was like, no bungee jumping, thank you very much. This woman that worked with my dad a while back

was always trying to get him to do skydiving. And then so he was actually considering it until she died. Oh my God. She died skydiving. Yeah, the parachute malfunction and then I guess the backup parachute tangled in with the other parachute or something and she just died.

She died of a cliche. God damn, that's fucking scary. How often does that happen? I think it happens a lot more than you think because you would think you would hear about that on the news if that was to happen. Everybody's like, yeah, you got two parachutes, what are you worried about right oh nothing just falling from 10 000 feet slowly i did bungee jumping uh in switzerland once and it was in this in the mountains in this

chasm like this a chasm over like a this this freezing cold river and it's off a little bridge and it was you know it was like gonna do this with my birthday it was my friend you know we're traveling so i did it it was fucking awesome know, I was like, I'm going to do this. It was my birthday. It was my friend. You know, we're traveling. So I did it. It was fucking awesome. I found out afterwards, though, we were talking to the guy after, you know, the guy who ran the whole operation. He's like, yeah, so how long has this set up been here? He's like, eight days. Fucking eight days.

We're like maybe like in the tens of people who've been off this thing. Wow. There's been no trials. We tested it out a lot. We tested it out a lot. We tested it out a ton. We put like body armor on stuff. I'm like, oh my God. And then he said like this is the closest jump at that time in existence that you came

closest to the rocks in any other bungee jump. Oh, that seems like a good idea. But I wish I'm glad I learned it afterwards, not before. Oh my God. It was still great. That was incredible. And there's a great picture of me. You know how you're supposed to do this with your hands as you go down?

Somehow, instinctively, I'm just grabbing my fucking balls. And even though I'm head down, grabbing my balls. That's the picture of me bungee jumping. Wow. Yeah. That's fucked up. Hey, Joe, here's a fun fact about Johnny. He does not have a butthole.

I have a butthole. Oh, but you got it removed. No. Jesus Christ. You got this all wrong. That right there. Someone edit this. Someone cut and paste this somewhere.

This is the classic Brian moment. Wow. I think. This is how rumors get started. I've never heard that in my entire life. That's pretty incredible. Remember that song, Rumors? This is how rumors get started.

Started by jealous people. It should say jealous people and Brian Because Brian would just start banging shit up Well what I said is I don't have a colon I don't have a colon I do have a sphincter and everything works fine You don't have a colon? No I don't have a colon I had ulcerative colitis for about 10 years or so

And maybe a little more than that I guess Yeah about 10 years And if you have ulcerative colitis which is like a horrible disease of your colon your large intestine it's like

it makes it all so you have to shit all the time and like really fast and it's just generally bad wow so I had that for a long time

but if you have ulcerative colitis for a long time the thing is the longer you have it the more the chances of you getting colon cancer

like triple every single year so the idea is you have it, the chances of you getting colon cancer triple every single year. So the idea is that you get it taken out and then it's better because you don't have this fucking shitty organ. The puns are limitless. So how does it change the way your body functions, the way your digestive system works? I mean, basically, it changes a lot of things but it doesn't change that much from how it was before because it's actually a lot better i you know i still poop out of my asshole and uh but i just get dehydrated faster than how rude have you described it that way isn't it funny that there's rude ways to say things like that i guess i could say this how i

still defecate from my anus past stool from my sphincter, anal sphincter muscle. So where does it go? What's the colon? What's the primary use? I'm ignorant. The primary use of your colon is sort of to, one, to extract water. It's a hydrate use. So it extracts water for your body, which your body needs water.

It also extracts a lot of vitamin D i think vitamin a maybe something else and um generally just aids in digestion like you know extracting the thing stuff from your food that you used your body uses so right it's not like it's not um necessary to have obviously because i'm still alive right now so but it definitely is a good thing to have if it works so i mean i probably go to the bathroom i've been to the bathroom more in my life than you guys will ever in your entire fucking life. So how often do you take dumps? It depends. It depends on what I eat and how much I've been drinking.

What's the average number a day? God, I don't know. It's so hard to think about this. Dude, if you say for like 50, I'm just going to fuck it. If you have to get up in the middle of this show to take a shit, it would be so awkward. I'll do it for you. I just want to be clear about this. If you're doing it, you're doing it for you.

Yeah. Okay. I won't take a shit for you guys. I promise. Oh, man. I'm going to take a shit for you. Guys, I got a good one. Ready to go.

I'm going to take a shit and it's just for you. It's got your name on it. I'm going to write your fucking name. I bet there's probably someone out there that would say something like that. There's a guy you know once i've met a guy like joey diaz i know that there's there's there's guys out there that you could never you couldn't draw them right yeah yeah they exist he's an interesting guy he's as interesting as they come so now you're where your colon was before does it do you have a hole like do you feel there's a place missing or does

everything sort of fill in no No, it all kind of fills in. Your body just sort of like, you know, it's like a sack of flour. Everything just settles at the bottom, I guess. Whoa, that's weird. I'm looking at your body. I did have a colostomy bag for like 12 weeks. You have to have two surgeries. You have them

they have to separate them because they have to take everything down and they have to build basically they have to build you a fake colon. Wow. In called my case is called the j pouch and that's not because my name is johnny it's actually called j pouch ironically enough but that's your pet name yeah yeah my j pouch down there that's what she is pet name from my synthetic colon that's jenny old jenny the j pack tell you what jenny takes a lot of shit down there she does but a lot of people would say man it's kind of degrading shitting on a girl like that but i don't see it like that we're helping each other she's helping me i'm helping her it's ain't

nothing degrading about this just nature just just you know it's a symbiotic relationship it's like a clown fishing in an eminy um i i only met one person ever that had one of those and it was very strange a colostomy bag yeah they are incredibly strange it's the kind of thing where it's the most bizarre thing ever

and there's people who live with them that's their life is they have a colostomy bag and those kind of I just can't like for me it was always like

this is you know one more week two more you know sort of thing so it was pretty easy to bear

and I was just you know I was pretty young I was living at home so I was like didn to bear and I was just you know I was pretty young I was living at home so I didn't have to worry about anything but god damn

if you had to actually do shit with that if you had to actually now did you after you had all these health issues did you radically alter your diet

did you try to start eating healthier food or try to yeah I mean well the thing is with colitis even you have to be careful

because your body isn't digesting almost almost anything so really do you have like a very limited menu yeah you can eat i don't eat really spicy stuff i i take a lot of fiber i'm very uh i can i can consult on fiber for an hour you can have me on here as a fiber consultant maybe yeah so i think fiber is very important um it's very important for everybody right and it's super like a lot of lettuce and a lot of like broccoli and i take these like awesome shits they're so satisfying they just come out like ah it's your body thinking plop plop plop plop plop so easy but if i just eat like nothing but meat for days super bad yeah it just comes out like just like your body's trying to push out poison. Because it is poison, yeah.

Just ribs, barbecued ribs, sausage and shit. Like before the show, I came so close. There's an Italian deli not too far away from here that has this amazing sausage sub, sausage with peppers,

and I know it's terrible for you. It tastes so good. It's terrible for you. It smells so good. And you can't get those here in California. This place is called Cavaretta's if you're in the Valley. There's no place like that on the West Coast.

You don't get real Italian subs. A real sausage with peppers, with grilled peppers. Peppers and eggs? Oh, you're fucking kidding me, son. That's an East Coast thing. That sounds like a horrible combination. Really?

Peppers and eggs. You can't get peppers and eggs Peppers and eggs You can't get peppers and eggs here John You can't get peppers and eggs It's true It doesn't seem very good to me though Peppers and eggs is probably the worst thing I could possibly eat Yeah Terrible for you Hot peppers and eggs

Do you try to consume your nutrients in juice form? Do you try to drink a lot of juices? I don't know man I try to I eat a lot of dried fruit And a lot of oatmeal And a lot of juices? I don't know. I mean, I try to eat a lot of dried fruit and a lot of oatmeal and a lot of whole grain pancakes. So you're just all about super fiber shit. Yeah, but at the same time, I'm also really bad.

I eat all kinds of horrible stuff, and it's always this idea where, well, I know this is going to make me feel like shit, but it's like, well, whatever. I'm not going to. Everything has a consequence, I feel like. but it's like, whatever, I'm not going to. Everything has a consequence, I feel like. I knew this dude who had diabetes, and every now and then he would go off and eat crazy sugar and have just this fucking horrible insulin failure moment. See, that's different.

You can kill yourself with that. I'm not going to kill myself if I eat hot wings. Dude would just go off every now and then, just couldn't take it, just go off and just jack his body. Go off the rails. fill it up with the delicious poison. Did your farts change at all? That's actually a great

question, Brian. I'm glad you brought that up. That's a great question. You're fucking dead serious, folks. Really, I don't actually do a lot of farting anymore because it's one of those things where if your bowels have been operated upon or messed with in any way like that,

you kind of lose the ability to tell shit from a fart. So in general, you typically just choose not to fart. Oh, my God. Then roll the dice of it being. Wow. You don't know when farts are coming. That's crazy. I do and I don't.

I do and I don't. That might be the most difficult thing to describe ever to someone who knows exactly what you're talking about, is that feeling that you have where you know the difference between shit and a fart. I know the difference. You know, I don't always know. Yeah. I had the problem the other, I think I already talked about it on the podcast once.

As a joke, I was in front of my girlfriend. I put my hand there and I farted in my hand. You shit in your hand? I shit in my hand. I was like, excuse me. I'll be right back oh wow and it was and it was like it was supposed to be as a joke and then she knew exactly what happened i did it in front of her completely naked so hilarious i'll tell you what the people who have the best shitting stories in the whole world or anyone who's ever done the peace corps in Africa. Oh, man.

Those people. I've never heard such crazy things in my entire life. I read a horrible story on MixedMartialArts.com. There's two forums on MixedMartialArts.com. One of them is the underground, which is all MMA type stuff. The other one is the other ground. And the other ground is like anything, any subject. And one of the stories was about this poor couple that went to Africa. And they were in Cape Town. they were in this really nice area but the girl wanted to go see the real africa oh no

so that's the bad bad phrase yeah that's what she did she saw the real africa they went and they they went into this town and they got carjacked and they kicked the driver and the man out of the car kept the woman and then they shot her in the head. Oh, so they killed her? They killed her. Oh, God. Yeah, and they found out that the driver was in on it. Oh, of course.

That the driver called ahead and set it up. Wow. And that they weren't supposed to, I don't know if they were supposed to kill her or not. He says they weren't, but. That's weird. Why would they kill, I think they would at least rape her first. Well, they were saying,

at first they were saying that they thought she was sexually assaulted, but then they kept saying that she wasn't sexually assaulted. But that could easily be they don't want people to know that she was sexually assaulted, so they're not releasing all the information, you know,

out of respect to the girl's family or something like that. Right. You know, it's a public release. I don't know. The whole thing is fucking crazy, though. The whole thing is, you know, that part of the world

is completely wild, and I don't think a lot of people are aware of it yeah it's the idea that the apocalypse is going to happen and it's going to be some giant event that takes place like boom here's the apocalypse no the apocalypse sort of is us being aware of how fucked up parts of this world are like horrific horror movie john carpenter zombie type shit that's's what Africa is. There's parts of Africa, like Liberia.

We talked about this on the show before, where there's rampant cannibalism. There's this VBS.tv documentary, The Vice Guide to Liberia. And it will make you shit your fucking pants. They're talking about killing children and drinking their blood. They kill the blood of innocent children

to make them immortal. Make them stronger, yeah. It's this creepy crazy thing. Dude, that place is a goddamn monster movie. Yeah, there's so many places like that in Africa. There's this guy, David Axe, who has written a, he writes, he's a war correspondent. He's traveled all over

the fucking world. Like, basically in every conflict zone you can possibly imagine. He has this great graphic novel called War is Boring. But it's all about going to these areas like that and just turning a corner and having a jeep with a machine gun mounted on it coming right at you. And they're ready to kill you. And they're children, too, half the time. 16-year-old kids with Kalashnikovs ready to shoot you in the face.

Yeah, that was the premise of the character in the movie Lost. Remember, there was that one kid who grew up to be that big black preacher guy, remember? Right, Echo. Yeah, Echo, exactly. When he was a kid, he was killing people and shit. Speaking of Lost, have you heard of these tones that they use, like spies and stuff? Oh, right, the Conet Numbers Project. Yeah.

What is this? You guys were going to tell me about this before the podcast, but then it was one of those, let's save it. Let's save it. Let's save it. So what is this explaining? I'm sorry. Well, I mean, as far as I know, reading about it, is it's during the Cold War, they would use shortwave radio stations, because shortwave radio can travel all around the world if you

have like the clouds are right and everything. So they would send signals to their spies in bed in the field using shortwave radio, like one-time shortwave radio broadcasts. And they'd have some sort of a code book on the receiving end to decipher these. They would loop it, kind of like on Lost, how they had that transmission that was just continuously looping the numbers and stuff like that. So somebody recorded all these. There's hundreds of them.

There's hundreds, and they're creepy as fuck. as yeah some of them sound like like oh they're incredible we should play this one here's one here's one as an example and that and this is like kill the president kill the, kill the president, kill the president, kill the president. You know? Some of them are just tones, and some of them have numbers, where it's like 7, 24, 3. Yeah, and sometimes it's, yeah. And what is the effect on the human brain? Is it supposed to do something to people?

I listened to it the other day when I was kind of high, and it was, I was having, it was, I felt like, just the tones of it. I feel like it's because the shortwave radio is like a smaller frequency. It's not as big of a frequency so it's something like about some of the tones,

to me they sound better. There was a thread that somebody put on my message board about Wi-Fi affecting the growth of trees. Oh my God. Did you see that? that yeah they're saying that

the trees that are near wi-fi were developing like this coating like the upper layer of their their skin was dying but then other people were saying that this was like one test they haven't replicated this you can't really say that it's from that there could be other environmental factors you know you don't know what's in the air around there which is a very good point but the idea you know that all these fucking things that are flying through the air around us and they're giving us all these megabytes of information and instant mean we could win we're plugged into the wall right now but we could very easily be doing this Wi-Fi easily so there's enough information flying through the air and

some sort of a signal that you could have a video that goes through tubes and it gets to Right now the 1,500 people all over the world. I mean, what does that do to your brain man? I was worried about that because it's most things Well, like you have I think about radio waves radio waves are we're being bombarded with them constantly, right? And but there's no like we have no idea what the real long term. Well, it not killing everybody quickly, so we know that it's not like totally the worst thing ever for you. It's not like super poison. But what if it's making us change? And it's shaping your brain differently?

Yeah, I mean for real, right? What if we're evolving to be able to handle all this stuff, you know? What if these signals in there, what if like one of the reasons why so many people are going crazy is that these signals are interfering with the development of their brain? There's this writer I like a lot, this guy James Howard Kunstler, and he's a new urbanist writer, and he also writes a lot about... Did you say Kunstler? His last name is Kunstler. Is he related to the lawyer?

I don't know, maybe. There's a famous lawyer. The reason why I know is there's a guy named George the Greek that I knew from New York who was a famous gambler and pool hustler. And he used to ride horses for like, you know, they have the horse races. He would be in the little carriage. You know, they have like a little carriage. They race. I don't know what they call that kind of racing.

Harness racing. Harness racing. Thank you. Well, he was such a crook. And this fucking race was so fixed that he was standing up trying to pull the horse back because the horse was trying to win. So he was fired

and they kicked him out but he hired William Kunstler. Kunstler's taking over my case. These motherfuckers, they don't know what they got coming to them. I got Kunstler. It's like Joey Diaz's mom. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Cigarettes, Kunstler. He was just, what a character this guy was. All these fucking guys that I met in the pool halls in New York, man, you never met people like this in your life. There's gamblers. People who are addicted to gambling are some of the most fascinating motherfuckers ever. They're all just looking for that fix. They're all just looking to gamble, and they would always want to gamble a lot of money.

There was never like, I want to bet you $20. Like, you fucking pussy, you got no hot. Your hot pops got no hot what's the thing is not how that shit works where like your brain gets more electricity if you the more you bet and if you lose that's like a thing they still found out with people who are uh gambling addicts is that they get uh more more serotonin or something in their brain when you lose really it's that's why that's why it's such a problem that's why it's so hard to fix that because it's this fucked up reverse psychology of it where that's crazy they get serotonin but that makes them feel good but gamblers don't feel good when they lose their fucking maybe it's not serotonin maybe whatever maybe dopamine it's some some brain chemical too dumb to know the difference between serotonin and dopamine

they're always in the in my brain there's like, oh, this is shit that makes you happy. It's all a cocktail. All I know is that it kills people when people do a lot of cocaine, it kills that. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, Kunstler. Kunstler. Fucking Kunstler. Your heart pumps Kool-Aid. This guy, this writer, James Howard Kunstler, he writes a lot about

the idea of living past peak oil, like when society shut down because the oil is gone. You're freaking me out, man. This is something Duncan and I always argue about. Do you? I would love to hear what your take on it is.

Well, I mean, he's of the Kurzweilian, all the proto-future nanobots and all that stuff. Right. I think that's stuff that's fun to think about, but I think it's more likely that none of that will happen. There will be some sort of huge sort of apocalyptic degradation and shrinking of society due to the nature of the lack of oil. Because oil powers everything we have. Right. So you're like, did you watch Collapse? Yeah, I watched that.

Yeah, I loved that. Did you love it? Because we thought that guy was a goof. We loved it for a little while, but then I'm we thought that guy was a goof. I mean, he's definitely... We loved it for a little while, but then I'm like, this guy's a doom and gloom motherfucker, and he's pissing in his garden so that he can grow shit. Like, his outlook is so retarded. He's definitely a doom and gloom guy, and Kunstler is similar to that, but he also talks

about the whole thing, something called the long emergency, which is kind of like what you were talking about before, like, you know, the apocalypse. It's probably not going to happen like that. It's going to happen over a long period of time. Gas is going to start to get more and more expensive and less and less people are going to be able to afford certain things. It's just going to be a sort of long... It's going to happen over like 40, 50 years.

Probably not a long-term thing. Well, you know, the idea is that everything's going to fall apart and then build back up again. I don't know if that's the case. Yeah, man, I don't know either. I don't know. I think there's definitely some validity to the idea of fossil fuels being a serious problem in the development of technology.

You know, there's a very obscure theory about fossil fuels that it's not actually fossil fuels. Yes. It's called the avian oil theory, right? Yeah, that the whole earth is flowing on it. Somehow or another, it's a natural product, almost like the blood of the earth. It's a natural product of the earth. Yeah, George Norrie thinks that, but I don't think he's...

George Norrie? Yes, he thinks that. You can't quote him as a source. How dare you? I think it's bullshit. Art Bell's one thing. You start quoting George Norrie, I go, come on, dude. Exactly.

Stop it with George Norrie. He believes everything. Well, that's what I'm saying. George Norrie thinks the avian oil theory. I think it's kind of bullshit because there's so much science that says there's less and less of it. There's diminishing returns. Yeah, I haven't really researched it enough. I know I have this book in the library somewhere.

It's called The Black Gold Stranglehold, and I bought it with the intention of reading it. But it's in support of this theory, but I don't know if it's nonsense or not. Well, that's the other thing that Kunstler talks about that made me think about is you were talking about how the radio waves and stuff like that

and how maybe it's changing our brains but he in his fiction books he talks about like after you know years after no electricity and none of this stuff

being pumped and this weird waves being pumped in the atmosphere how there's a lot of sort of like magic comes about, because previously in our lives, like right now, we're being bombarded by all this imagery and

sound and noise and just general like noise through advertisements and just everything, and how if that all fell away, then maybe there was some part of our brain that would unlock, that would bring about things that I guess you would consider magic, but maybe it's not magic, maybe it's something, you know, the idea idea of telekinesis or anything like that where maybe that stuff's being held back because of abundance of technology. I like to think about that. Well, senses definitely. I bet if we weren't bombarded so much with all this crap,

we would have probably different senses. I don't know if it would be powers. all this crap we would have probably different senses yeah i know there'll be powers but you know yeah i mean there's an idea that before there was a real society like set up the way you know we have in villages or in you know and the way we have in cities obviously they think that before that when people were hunters and gatherers they had a much more finely tuned sense of the whole environment around them and you know shamans in in the the nr in the amazon rather they're always talking about how the plants and the trees talk to them and that's the whole way they believe that they created ayahuasca the the shamans tell you that the trees told them

how to mix all this shit together that's the uh is that the peruvian stuff what is that yeah peru and in brazil it's it's the drink hallucinogenic drink but i mean look if you were just living only in tune with the forest you know went back when we were fucking weirdo hunter-gatherer type dudes just moving around hunting and sleeping in tents and shit you know it's very possible that we would have had different senses totally different like feel for everything maybe even like there was like a thing where you could actually talk to animals back in the day and it was but it was so quiet but it was so quiet and just a little whispered but now that you don't even know it sounds ridiculous to us now that we because we

can't do it but think about like the appendix yeah exactly the appendix is an organ that existed because we were breaking down like all this really por shit. Bone. Bone and a lot of fiber too, right? Yeah. Like plant fiber. Serious fiber. Yeah, like fucking chewing trees and shit. Yeah, so we had an organ that was designed to process all that crap. We were basically eating like cows.

We were eating whatever the fuck we could. And we had an organ for that shit. But now we don't. Now it's falling off. It's useless. It's very possible that we just forgot that we ever could do that, that we really could tune into the woods. There was a guy on that.

I wrote it down because I wanted to talk about it. Charles Kuralt. Charles Kuralt. He's the old journalist. Yeah, he died not that long ago. He wrote a story about some guy who lived up in Alaska, and he would go for months and months at a time where he didn't talk to any people.

And he said after he was up there for a while, he could read the minds of the animals. And then when he came into town, after months and months at a time, and where he didn't talk to any people. And he said after he was up there for a while, he could read the minds of the animals. And then when he came into town, after months and months living in this cabin, he could read the minds of people, but it would go away after a while. He also smoked a lot of weed. My man was getting so strong. He was doing the best stuff. He was just eating hash off dead deer heads all day. But yeah, there's definitely something to that, though, I feel like,

because it's the same way when you're typing someone's friend's name and they call you, kind of thing. Or when you know when someone's mad at you. You feel the energy coming off someone. Like, you know, like, whoa, this guy's upset. Even though they're not acting like it at all. Right, yeah. Like, what's wrong? Nothing.

What the fuck is wrong? You know, there's a weird energy coming off of you. Right. You know, we can tune into that stuff if you choose to, if you choose to recognize it. We don't really know all the different subtleties there are in the senses. We've got it narrowed down to some basic ones, but there's some other ones that are... Go extra. There's something weird that happened that I've just realized recently regarding your message board on the same subject.

Really? For about two months, about a year ago, for about two months, I kept on having this voice in my head that I need to make a thread that was titled bad news. Like I don't know why. But every day I was on your message board, I'd be like, bad news. Why do I keep on thinking I need to do that? And the other day I was on your message board and I looked at one of the sticky threads and it said bad news, our friend Outlaw, you know, and stuff like that. I'm like, that's crazy that, you know, that was the title of the thread.

Maybe it has nothing to do with it, but I remember there was a point in my time before Outlaw passed that that same thing kept on repeating in my head, the idea that I needed to make a topic that said bad news. That's crazy, yeah. Cue spooky music. Spooky. Yeah. That makes sense. We're all guessing as to

what reality truly is. We really are. We know that the placebo effect is real, and we know that if you tell some people that, hey, this pill's going to cure your disease, things get miraculously cured. We know that that happens. Placebo is really popular with your bowels too.

Is it? Really? 70% of bowel illnesses are from our placebo. Wow. Most people who have irritable bowel, there's nothing wrong with their bowels. It's wrong with their brain. Oh, I see. Because they're freaking out about this or that.

Right, stress. That explains everything. It's like perfectly taking stress that's been tuned into the brain. Well, they also say that about back injuries. There's a lot of people that they believe they have back pain, but it's not really back pain. It's just they're suffering through incredible stress and it's manifesting itself in back pain so it distracts

you from whatever bullshit you have in your life. My back! But the brain can do that, but it can only do that if it's being tricked. That's a strange thing. Right. If you have to have utter confidence in it. That's why I've always said that there's a lot of good for religion as almost like a scaffolding for your life.

Oh, yeah, totally. Because the reason why they're so successful and there's so many people that are devout and they believe in it is because it's produced positive benefits for them having this in in just unstoppable belief that there is a higher power and a greater good and that it all works out in the long run because god has a plan it takes a tremendous amount of pressure off you it allows you to perform better that confidence allows you to really achieve things and a lot of people that they wouldn't if it was all open-ended questions yeah you also can like assign bad stuff like well you know what i'm not in control i you're Definite allows you to really achieve things in a lot of people that they wouldn't if it was all open-ended questions. Yeah, you also can assign bad stuff. Like, well, you know what?

I'm not in control. You're giving up control. Right. So it's like you're taking away blame and worry from a thousand things you can worry about and be like, oh, no. I just follow the Lord's blessings. Yeah. Yeah. It's fascinating, though, that the mind has this unlocked or untapped capability to do things, to produce extreme results.

Our brains, it's so much of who we are as a human being is a product of how we were raised and our experiences. Who the people were that were around us that we imitated and all the things that happened to us that we learned. Well, I'm not fucking taking my pants down in front of that guy again. All these different things that we learn with that that that becomes who we are there's so many things that go into that it's so strange that when you get to a certain age you'd be fucked up and know you're fucked up but you can't change it like there's certain people that are criminals you know they're like fucking 30 whatever they're in and out of jail their whole life they can't stop they're just fucked up yeah they know they're fucked up they get out and they

go back they do a crime like a week after they get out for 20 years. But that's like everything. If you date a girl and you think that she's going to change, they're programmed that way. Shouldn't you know you? What is wrong with us that we don't know us? We can always tell you what's wrong with this fucking asshole. Yeah, I'm fucking bad at that. I'm horrible at it. We don't know us.

We keep ourselves from knowing us, so we can't fix our own issues. A lot of people for most people right yeah that's a weird thing that we can't reprogram that you know that whoever you are whatever happened to you by the time you were 10 or 15 or whatever the fuck it is that's you dude that's you you don't trust people that's you you're always worried about crazy people you're always worried about this and violence that's you sorry forever that's you yeah yeah you just realize it yeah i mean reprogram, like truly reprogramming, it should be like an option. It should be like a button you can press in your brain.

Oh, I know this is bullshit. Let me just get rid of it. That's why you're the software designer for your own kids. You're programming that right now. You've got to give them some psilocybin early on. Well, you've just got to program. Well, here's one thing. They talk about terrible twos.

I swear to God, my daughter is not going through anything terrible. She's hilarious. The reason why she's hilarious is because even when she screams and yells at something, I start making fun of her. I start going, this is you, this is you. And she starts laughing. She thinks it's so funny because everything is fun. And you've got to know when they're tired.

You've got to know when they eat. But it's all about nice and happiness and fun you know it's all about that and if you do that and you start them off like that you know you can get a happy child but that might create something that you don't you're not thinking about who knows look you know a lot of my best friends grew up fucked up they're like all my favorite people grew up fucked up joey you me eddie ari we all grew up fucked up every one of us there's not one duncan no one no one has some fucking you know brady bunch story that they can tell you where everything was awesome and dad always had great advice and people are like incredibly boring too why is that fuck man why can't you just like give a kid a loving life and

then have them not be a boring cunt. You know, I mean, is it possible? Because that's where doctors come from or something. You know what it is, really? The real thing is that you don't have the motivation to be exceptional at anything unless you're desperate. You know, exceptional people are almost always at one point in their life very desperate. So they come up with this extraordinary energy to produce whatever it is, whether it's art or success in business or whatever they want to do that there there comes for there

comes from something that's an extraordinary amount of of entropy there's an extraordinary amount of energy that's moving everything in that direction i think i think a big part of that is that general in general human life for the past maybe 60 or 70 years has become incredibly easy like surviving is so fucking simple that used to have more people of character before because life was not simple like people people died a lot very and for simple things people that women died in childbirth kids died didn't were born you know the birth rate was a tenth of what it is now so i feel like that's a big part of it that's why why you have so many shitty, shitty, shitty, boring people. Because everything's so easy for them.

Because it's so simple to survive that it takes nothing. Yeah, I've always said one of the most important things for a man, and I say this to anybody who has boys, I'm like, get that kid involved in something that's hard to do. Yeah, it's fucking difficult. Anything that's hard to do. Get that kid involved in whatever it is. Whether it's wrestling or karate or kickboxing.

Cut a hand off. Just some fucking sport. Maybe they get into basketball or baseball. Just get them into something that makes them exert themselves and get through difficult times and create character. Do something that's really difficult. Get that kid involved in something that's going to test them and challenge them. Because if you don't, there's nothing sadder than when you are at the mall

and you see some fucking poor lady who raised some boy. She probably did it on her own, and she had never had a father around, or he didn't have his father around, and he's just loud and fucking obnoxious and totally unchecked. Shameless, just totally shameless. Like, this poor kid is fucked. He doesn't even know who he is. Look at him, just bouncing off the walls with all this crazy energy.

It's like the same people who have cell phone conversations incredibly loud in the middle of... That still blows my mind. How people do that. That's one of Joe's pet peeves. One of my pet peeves is dudes who do that shit on speakerphone. They start talking. What's up, dude? What are you doing, man?

Yeah, we're down here right now, man. Let's party. Who are these people? I always want to just engage them right away. Hey, hey, how you doing? Hey, hey, hey. Just like I'm flagging down a fire. Why is that even really? What's my issue? Why does it even offend me that I have to hear both sides of the conversation?

I mean, I'm going to hear one side no matter what. Is it just too distracting? Why does it bother me? I don't know. It just bothers me. It's just like, oh, Brian. What are we, an 80s radio station? That know? What the fuck's wrong with me? It's just like... Brian. What are we, an 80s radio station? That's Duke Nukem Soundboard. You can wrap it up.

Duke Nukem Soundboard? Come on, Brian. Buzz off. Don't do that anymore. All right. Please. Duke Nukem makes me sad, because that's that game that never really got finished.

I know. Duke Nukem Forever, that became the vaporware game of all time. Totally. And don't they realize now it's gotten to the point that if they actually released it would probably be one of the biggest games ever i thought they were doing a modern day do last five years they've been saying okay i guess it was a lot longer than five years it happened like with the unreal one engine i think they were using well it

got to the point though like the last five at least, they actually it seemed legit. There was a trailer for it on a website or something, but it was a fake trailer. I thought it went under. When did it go under? Two years ago. Two years ago it went under? That's it? That's crazy because that movie, or rather that game, I believe was really in operation for the longest time ever.

There was a Call of Duty. The new Call of Duty got released and they had this thing in the newspaper when I was coming back from London. I was reading it. That Call of Duty. The new Call of Duty got released. And they had this thing in the newspaper when I was coming back from London. I was reading it. That Call of Duty made more money than Avatar. The first day. Holy shit. Dude.

That's like one of the most successful entertainment things of all time. Absolutely. That's a sign of the apocalypse. And it's war. It's just shooting people. Oh, it's fucking awesome. That's a blue and That commercial, too. The commercial they have that has Jimmy Kimmel and Kobe Bryant.

You seen that commercial? People are pissed off about that commercial. I'm sure they are. I do not understand this. Well, because they've got guns. People always are pissed off about guns, guaranteed. Right. And the fact that there's people who are, you know, wielding those guns who would normally

not ever be associated with that. Yeah, like Kobe. Yeah. Well, Kobe's kind of already a problem. But it's a gun, and it's a little controller. Yeah. They're pissed off that he's shooting them. No, no, no.

In the commercial, they're, like, in the game. They're showing him with, like, a rocket launcher. Oh, they're in the game in the commercial. Whoa, that's so crazy. Yeah, and they don't show him actually shooting anybody, but it's all directly implied. Oh, no. How weird is that? That's stupid.

But you can't show a tit. Right. Isn't it bizarre that that's so acceptable? Would there be acceptable? What if there's a game? What if it was like what are those

Grand Theft Auto games? And all they were doing in the game was just running around and raping. So for the commercial they had Jimmy Kimmel and Kobe Bryant

pretending to rape people. The people would go that's outrageous. Well it's okay to kill people but it's not okay to rape them right well i mean what what how weird are we man yeah what if we do you think you could make a game like that i think the japanese already have actually a few different game they have rape games and they also have like molest games it's funny that that would be i mean we talked about the sensitive nature of the word rape you know before how some people get It's funny that that would be, I mean, we talked about the sensitive nature of the word rape, you know, before, and how some people get upset about it,

but that would be, it's a very interesting debate, like why is it okay to murder people? Is it because it's so simple that it's like, you pull the trigger and then they go away,

and it's not as, what is it? Maybe that's what it is, maybe because it's finite, like, oh, the person's dead. They can object to them being killed because you've killed them.

Could you imagine how crazy it would be if those became the most popular games here? If it wasn't Call of Duty, it was Call of Dicks. And you were just driving around just fucking everybody you wanted to. That was the whole video game. Whoa. That would be scary as fuck. And people say that's not possible.

But how is that not possible? I mean, there's private programmers, I'm sure, who probably are and have made something like that. If that became a real game, if somehow or another we were desensitized to a point where that became a real game,

I think it would be very successful. I think it actually for real is though. In Japan, if I remember correctly, there was some kind of rape video game.

Jesus Christ. And they also had games where you just try to get the best upskirt shots. Really? As a game? Yeah, as a game.

Oh, that's so creepy the japanese are fucking love it there's a there's a there's a new bizarre there's a new uh application on the iphone called twitcast it's a where you you know broadcast like a ustream thing on uh uh using twitter though but using on your iphone and it's japanese based i believe uh and so recently i've been on there you know late at night because there's just a bunch of hot Asian girls on their on their webcams in their house you know so I will type things like hey do you like America and you know you should come to California and then they all know how to read English though and then the second they find out

that you're American they're like oh i love you that's how that happens they just say i love you yeah well no do you think you go over there and just start fucking them randomly it seems like it they do love americans they do love google translate's been my new friend lately thinking about i'm thinking about going it seems like i could just fuck a lot of people but it's great if you're bored go to this website and just start checking out these Asian girls. And use Google Translate to mix it up a little. It is very strange that there's very specific cultures,

like the Asian culture. It's not varying that much. I mean, they have some music, and they have some art, and they have some creativity. But for the most part, their culture is like trying to figure out what we're doing. That's weird. And like mutating it then.

You know, like the Japanese rockabilly guys who are like these like psych, it's like Elvis turned up a thousand percent and it's so bizarre. Yeah, it's a really popular look. The weirdest hipster look ever.

Yeah, yeah. It's weird, but they're fascinating. Those Harajuku Barbies, what is that? That's that weird fashion where they, I think that's what it's called,

where it's these Japanese girls who wear makeup and clothes. They look like dolls, like legitimately like dolls. And they spend hours and hours to perfect this crazy look. That thing freaks me out. I want to go to Japan so bad. It seems like the most alien world ever. Yeah, it really does seem like the closest you can get to going to another planet.

I feel like it's like the closest you can get to going to a second dimension of America. It's like the closest you can get to going to a second dimension of America. It's like this transmuted. Because there's so much things over there that are takeoffs of American culture that don't make any sense to us, but to them they do. Because it's like this weird proto-nostalgia that they have over everything, like the coffee and all the business attire. There's so many fucking crazy things. A good friend of mine lived

over there for two years and he would talk to me about i have all these capsule hotels right these little tubes you can sleep in and have vending machines for top with ties in them because if you're a businessman you have to go out and drink with the boss afterwards you have to do that and so chances are you're drinking past the train so you have to stay in the capsule hotel but to show up at work tomorrow you have to have a new tie, so it looks like you've had time to change and look nice. So they have vending machines just for the tie, so you can change your tie before you go back into work, even though you've never even been home.

What a strange, strange culture. I would love to go there and have sex with a girl with tentacles and everything. What? Yeah, they have those too, the tentacle girls. The tentacle girls. Wait a minute, what are you talking about? I'm just kidding. It's not real.

It's like manga. You scared the fuck out of me they make the most insane electronics man right and some of their cars they have these two cars out right now that are like two of the best sports cars in the world they have this uh nissan gtr which is this incredible four-wheel drive nissan you know i think it's like 500 horsepower insane zero to 60 time insane lateral acceleration it laps the nurbig ring and like this insanely low time and then they've got this other thing this lexus lfa where it's they just they created lexus created this like ultimate ferrari like they all the most high-tech components carbon fiber fenders this this fucking insane engine. But it's a Ferrari, though? No, it's a Lexus.

It's a Lexus. It's called the Lexus LFA. What I'm basically saying is their engineering is so insanely good. Yeah, it's crazy. Because they can't make any weapons, so they put it all into... Is that what it is, you think? I mean, I don't know. Shit, I wonder.

That's a real good point. Because I know the Japanese are not allowed to make anything. You can't even build a samurai sword in Japan. They're so crazy. We don't let them have weapons. Did you hear about this North-South Korea thing? That's scary. Listen, man.

The North Korea and South Korea is like the fucking North versus the South. It's like the Civil War, man. It's like the same thing as us. It's just on an exaggerated scale. It's actually a much larger like and then also super aggressive that north korea fucking hates the south they hate each other so they're ready to like jack each other right yeah they are i mean if that happens i really wonder if that's going to be the catalyst to a new world war imagine you hate someone because they're literally across a line

and they look exactly like you yeah it's not there's no confusion whatsoever it's like koreans are very similar looking it's not like like America with this big fucking melting pot. Right. They're Koreans, you know. And there's variations on both sides, but they look exactly the same and they're right there. Doesn't matter. And that's the enemy. Kill.

Fucking crazy world we live in, man, huh? Yeah. 2010 and that is still how we're rocking it. Just hope they don't get in the... Just have to get Iran involved and it's got a perfect cocktail for... I think they have a really difficult time getting online in North Korea. They do.

They squash everything. It's like they have huge internet... What do you call it? Blackouts? Yeah, I think so. Or filters? Yeah, they're not allowed to play StarCraft or something like that.

Well, the South Koreans, man. South Korean gaming, pro gaming in South Korea is so huge. They have these live events where they have an arena filled with fucking people that are watching dudes play video games. Have you ever seen that shit online? I know.

That's incredible. Holy fuck, man. They're playing StarCraft. Some of these Korean dudes that play StarCraft, they would make these insane amount of movements in a minute, like 139 movements in a minute so they're doing like almost to a second they're like or more than to a second is this a keyboard game it's keyboard and mouse it's a look one of those games where like you you're playing like you have an army and you

move them in certain positions okay it's a tactical game yeah it's a real yeah it's a tactical game and it's super complex and it's super complex. And it's very strategy-based. And some guys are just wizards on it. And they had this one dude, this Korean dude, who's like this ultra-badass StarCraft wizard. That's the game, right? StarCraft? Yeah, StarCraft. And they had him on these giant big screens,

and people were going crazy when he was kicking ass. They were going nuts. Head faggot. That's so bizarre. I wonder why that never caught on in america when you think about how popular games are over here maybe it will duty shit maybe it will be something eventually starcraft's pretty big out here it is but it's not that big haven't they always been ahead of us with games like you know have they been they used to be the japanese used to be

ahead of the games back in the nintendo days but, we have most of the biggest game makers here in the States. I mean, even California. Right. EA. Right. EA. THQ's here, too. Yep, THQ.

We do all the... They're right on... They were in Calabasas, and I think they moved to... Yeah, they moved further north. It's a badass place, man. I went to their whole factory. I've got to start working on the next game. We're starting to work on it again.

That's crazy. Which game? The game's going to be sick. The UFC games. Oh, cool. I went to their whole factor. I've got to start working on the next game. We're starting to work on it again. That's crazy. Which game? The game is going to be sick. The UFC games. Oh, cool. Fighting games. Awesome. They're getting better and better. The movements are getting better. There's more complexity. I'll find out exactly what's going to be in the next one. I can't really tell you guys. Zombies. Zombie UFC players. Headlocks. They're headlocks, definitely.

Noogies. We're bringing back Noogies. Eyeball scratching. It goes for, we do, like, you know, we'll do like hours and hours and hours of just breaking down fight scenarios and talking about different fighters that are in the game, talking about like what the guy's good at, what the guy's bad at. So it almost literally is like you're watching it live. So there's so many variations. Do you guys put the, do you put the people in the suits, the motion capture suits? Yes.

That's so cool. They go in a suit, yeah. I did that one time for a friend. You were doing a commercial and you needed someone to help out with that. It was so much fun. Yeah. Like, yeah, it's crazy. It's such an interesting, bizarre thing to do.

They did a full body scan of me too where I stand there and they spun around me with this crazy camera. And then they show you this 3D image of you like this computer like you know recreation of you and it's so weird are you in the 2010 one or something i was in the last one last one yeah i think no i think you can't fight with me oh no you can't in the 2010 no no no no i don't think so when are they going to do that i don't know i think i would have to do a lot of shit for them to do that to be an easter egg yeah that's not a big i mean that be an Easter egg. Yeah, that's not a big... I mean, that's not an Easter egg, dude. That's like a big project. When you create a new model and you do...

Well, they could just put your head on... What you should do is you get someone like me to model you. So it would be like Joe Rogan, but it would be some fucking idiot. No, it would be a chick. That would be awesome with your head. Why is Joe Rogan... He looks like he has tits. Dude, that would be awesome.

If you in a bathing suit with your head on it as an Easter egg. Right. That would be fucking great. Those are always the best as the Easter egg characters. If you ever want to get humble, though, about how much time it takes to make something, watch or talk to someone who's working on video games. It's insane. Well, we're going to.

What, next week? Cliffy B or December? Cliffy B. Yeah, he's coming December 8th. That's the Gears of War guy, right? Yeah. Yeah, I've known that dude for a long time. He's super cool.

We met him, God, it was like 2001 or 2002 or something like that. Yeah. He has a place in South Carolina, and I was doing, or was it North Carolina? North Carolina. Raleigh. Right. And we were doing comedy there.

This place is called Charlie Good Nights. So I don't know how it all got hooked up on the internet somehow or another. And he won us, giving us a tour of his place. It's called Charlie Good Nights. So I don't know how it all got hooked up on the internet somehow or another. And he won us, giving us a tour of his place. It's fucking amazing. And that was pre-Xbox 360. And they already had one. And they had Gears of War playing. And we were just like, wow, this is something that no one else has seen

except for a small group of people. That's crazy. We're used to, like, what? Genesis or something like that. Well, we were used to, like think nintendo 64 or two or three was out of the time three quick three oh that's right doom was coming out right because you remember oh that's right we're gonna take a big shit on doom right that might have been the second time we were there though it did i think it was we've been there a few times anyway he showed us

this some models from gears of war like the animated models that aren't in the game just to show like as a technology demonstration and our jaws fucking hit the floor. Like they had flashlights, they'd move flashlights across the body and you'd see how

the shadows would vary and move around. I was like, this is insane, man. This is incredible technology. Now they actually have those models in the games now. And the work they spend on it

is insane. I don't know how people can actually do that. I feel like you have to be on some sort of special drug to sit there to do that kind of coding yeah it takes forever

John Carmack, the dude who he's the mastermind behind all the id games which are like Doom and Quake and Wolfenstein all those deathmatch style games he's very rarely am I around someone who's so smart that i get nervous you know what i mean like i'm like why am i just why am i even talking like everything i say is

nonsense this guy's like this fucking super mathematical genius he's such a genius that he codes the craziest game engines in the world right and when he's not doing that in his off time he's a rocket scientist oh just, just a literal rocket scientist. Like a real rocket scientist, working on like the X Prize, you know, developing fucking these rockets in his backyard. And he turbocharges his Ferraris. By himself, custom. Yeah, he brings in mechanics and shit, but he designs these fucking crazy 1,000 horsepower turbocharged Ferraris. He's constantly tweaking them and fucking with them and taking them to the track.

I mean, he's just like a super mathematical genius. And when you talk to him, he makes these like ums. He goes like this. Well, basically we're working on the um, coding the ins. It's like his brain is working so fucking fast. His mouth kind of goes slow, slow. Bitch, slow the fuck down. What were we saying?

Oh, yeah. Just super, super genius. His latest game that just came out on the iPad. Remember Rage? We went to go see this. Holy fuck, that looks good. Yeah, we saw them demonstrate that too. Yeah, that is in-game footage.

This is one of the best iPad games I've seen. Oh my god, that is insane. Point that in my direction. That shit's amazing. Yeah, you get to drive around in these trucks. And this is a console game, right? This isn't even a PC game, right? No, I think he's going to have it as a...

I don't know. Maybe. I don't know. Both? But they're so famous for the PC games, man. We've had the PC versus console argument on this. Yeah, my girlfriend and I had that argument because she's a World of Warcraft player. And she can't stand the

console. It's very clunky when you get used to the keyboard and the mouse. It's super precise. How much does she play a day? She doesn't really play anymore but she used to play a lot. I think she used to have, I think she's had a bunch of characters is the problem. Oh Jesus Christ.

A couple level 50s maybe I want to say. She trolls. Is she trolling out there? Pretending out there probably different people does she dress up as her characters does she what does she dress up as a no she's not i'm sure she'd like to do you ever bang her when she's pretending to be like a witch or some shit um she's sort of a witch in general she's just naturally a witch she has ultimate control i'm being puppeted right now really maybe i don't know is this real tell me if this is real. Is this a cry for help? If it's a cry for help, blink twice. Help! Help!

Help! I can't even blink, man. You can't blink? No, I can't blink. She might be watching. Girls that play video games is one of my biggest turn-ons in the whole entire world. Really? When I find out somebody actually is a gamer, I just can't stop thinking about it. You shouldn't meet her. She is

like, I feel like she's like a nerd dream, kind of. Wow. To me, I'm not a huge gamer. You shouldn't meet her, Brian. I'll be like, I have a perfectly good butthole. Damn, son. There's this girl I've talked about before, Isis Taylor, who's a porn

star, and she just tweets every day like, just beat the new Assassin's Creed in like two days. And just like, I'm playing Call of Duty right now and I can't get enough of it. And I'm just like, oh, stop. Well, for one thing, she definitely did not beat

the new Assassin's Creed in two days. No, she, I think it was even less than that. Because I played it and it took me forever. Oh, she did. Maybe she's more of a wizard than you. Dude, seriously, I think she even beat it less than two days. She must have played it nonstop.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I saying when so this you're saying that this turns you on the fact that there's a hot porn star oh my god yes you don't understand it's all dirty and sweaty i always get i always meet the girls and they're like oh i love video games and you look you try to play it and they're just like playing one game like this is stupid i don't like this game and then that's not a real gamer that's just somebody just saying something that eddie bravo and i've talked about this all the time about you will always meet certain girls that will morph their personality to be with their man oh absolutely like we were watching a ted nuget show and ted nuget's wife was hanging out with them and cooking and she was going hunting and eddie was like this bitch doesn't really want

to be hunting oh exactly she's just hunting his ted likes hunting yeah you know i mean i don't know if that's the case but that is the case often that a lot of girls will become into what their boyfriends oh absolutely absolutely one of my exes hated sports hated and now every time i look at her twitter it's like just watch the new york yankees and i'm just like you are fucking faking it i can't stand that that's so. That's the worst. Some chicks and some dudes too, I shouldn't even really categorize this as only chicks, become they morph when they go into relationships.

We all know some guys that go into relationships and just start weird now. I don't want to mention any names. We have that one friend and he's a different motherfucker every time he's in a different relationship. Really? Jesus Christ. Sometimes it'll drive you crazy. That too bad poor fuck he just just whatever happens he just wants to be in this relationship so bad that he morphs and becomes what the chick wants

yeah and depending on what the chick wants you know he addresses it as he's just going through phases in his life and this is what he's into now i'm really into makeup right now i'm really into yeah i'm into skinny jeans and glam i'm into glam i'm into oprah god i got a yeast infection i don't know david bowie did a lot of cool shit yeah early in his career i'm really into what he looked he did do a lot of cool shit imagine if you there was a dude that used to come to the comedy store and uh he was a regular looking dude you know from the midwest and then he was out here for so he had a little bit of a problem with drugs and he was out here for just a short amount of time. And one time I ran into him at the comic store.

I hadn't seen him in, like, shit, a month? 30 days? All of a sudden he had four lip piercings, a nose piercing, and an eyebrow piercing. And he was stretching his ears out with those hoop things. That shit's so fucking stupid. I hate that. I hate that shit.

But it was like, at a... It was like, let me change my face! Like, whoa. Like, you really just went for it. I knew a couple guys in college who were that, it was like let me change my face like whoa like you you really just went for it yeah i know a couple guys in college who were that who suddenly became like incredibly emo over like a six month period when like wait what that's that's you you're the same guy and sort of it's they are but they're not and this other guy too who was a comedian and it's like didn't even fucking

recognize him he lost the 30 pounds it's like a new crazy hairstyle all this stuff like you just did you just totally changed everything that i liked about the look at jim brewer man he was just at flappers the other day by the way he said it was like his favorite new club ever really yeah but anyways he he was known as the marijuana guy the pot guy that's all he talks about now He's clean now, right? Now he's super clean, super religious, I think, or something like that. Oh, no. His wife was a Christian. I think he just jumped right in.

Really? I guess. But that's changing your whole audience. That's not college kids anymore. That's like my mom's. Well, you could look at it that way, or you could look at it and say he's developing a new audience because he's evolving and they're evolving with him and maybe some of them will come along with them you said devolving right evolving oh changing in his

eyes i'm not saying you know look you know it's like we talked about before about religion being sort of like a good scaffolding for living a happy life we have to address the fact that comedians a lot of them a giant percentage of them are miserable as fuck right and a lot of them wind up you know like dying and being terrible we've we've all ran into comics that we haven't seen in a long time we see them they're older now and they're just super super bitter and it's sad yeah you know it's a fucking terrible terrible thing when a lot of dudes when they they get older in their life and they have children they have a family like they want to they want to think different man they want to be a

little bit more happy they don't want to be morose and cynical about everything you just picked your finger up like do you have oh I just thought of something I was going to you have a video of a morose

and cynical guy no but you were talking about the comics you know the getting angry yeah comics do that all the time but there's somebody the other day and I think I can say this oh this is the story

this is the story wait no I don't know you tell it and I'll tell you if it was the story that I think it was you're talking about okay yeah

this involves a comic that's older that has become a complete asshole i don't know if he was an asshole the whole time what's his fucking gallagher he was making fun of this guy that works at the comedy store that has uh multiple sclerosis he walks funny and he's like fucking making fun of him to his face about how he's walking. Then the club owners and all the staff's like, dude, stop. That's not cool at all. He wouldn't stop. He kept on going and going.

It wasn't his brother. Were you there? I was there, yeah. Did you video it? No, I didn't video it. I don't want to get banned from the comedy store anymore, so I don't film there anymore, but you could talk about any of the comics. People were twittering it.

I mean, everybody saw it, and it was awful. I had an experience with Gallagher myself. When I was in high school, I was a freshman in high school. I went to see Gallagher. This was in Rochester, Minnesota. So it shows where he was at that point in time. Rochester's a tiny town. And I went to a Gallagher show.

I was in the front row. I was like, this is going to be so town. And I went to a Gallagher show. I was in the front row. And I was like, this is going to be so awesome. And he asked for a volunteer. And he brings me up. And I was like, yeah, yeah, I want to be on stage. Brings me up stage. And he puts me on this wooden chopping block. And, like, makes fun of me for, like, three, four, or five minutes.

Just saying mean things to me. I'm like, you know, I'm just kind of smiling. I'm like, okay. And I have my hands in my pockets. Like, why do you have your hands in your pockets, huh? You must not have a girlfriend. Is the audience laughing at this?

I don't even remember really. I guess a little bit. And I was like, you know, I had a baggie. I was a skateboarder at the time. So of course I had my baggie. How old?

How old were you? I was probably 15. 15. Wow. I look like I was 10 though. He was shitting on you when you were 15? Yeah. And I was up there. I look like I was 10 years old because I looked really young. 15. Wow. I look like I was 10, though. He was shitting on you when you were 15? Yeah.

And I was up there. I look like I was 10 years old, though, because I looked really young. Right. And I had my baggy skateboard jeans on. He's like,

you must be the best skateboarder in the world. I don't see any holes in those jeans. It was just ridiculous. And then we did a bunch of stuff like putting on this penguin thing

and sliding across the stage and that was fun. But why are you bringing up some kid making fun of well unfortunately for some comedians and for a lot of comedians back in those days like insulting people was like thought of as like it's part of the show right and you have to just kind of take it dude i talked i talked to davy that night though the guy with multiple scores he was about to quit his job and just start fighting this guy i mean you could tell by talking to him how upset he was he was walking around i mean i got to the point where i just started following davy around just to grab him if he

was to go to attack why would he make fun of a guy with a horrible disease like that oh and he wouldn't stop and he said something about like as one of the semi quotes he said something about his hands like oh his hands probably aren't strong because he has multiple sclerosis so he can't he actually said multiple sclerosis yeah jeez i mean one thing if you just sort of like being generic but being very specific like i'm specifically making fun of you because you have multiple and he wouldn't stop was there anyone who was laughing huh no one was laughing no one's laughing no it was awful and i talked to somebody that used to tour with him or or something like that, and he was like, dude, he's always been a fucking asshole.

He's a complete jerk. Whoa. I didn't know that. I never thought Gallagher, you know, because you only see him from, like, old HBO specials or whatever. You just see him as, like, this happy guy that crushes whatever watermelons. But now the behind the scenes of Gallagher is probably interesting. I wonder if he was always like that

or if he's just becoming one probably a little bit of both because I think his brother now does his stuff he's been doing it for a while for like seven or eight years his brother like bought the act for a while because Gallagher quit I think he still does it yeah and then the problem is the brother really that was his way to make a living he was calling himself

Gallagher 2 right it was to comics it was just too beautiful to be real. It was like, you know, everybody liked to make fun of Gallagher in the first place, but now you find out his fucking brother has taken over his act. Like, holy shit. And his brother looks really similar. I thought he looked, like, mistakeably similar, right? Isn't it like he looks

identical? Close enough. If you weren't, like, a huge Gallagher fan, and you saw him, you'd go, well, something looks different about him, but yeah, I guess it's Gallagher. One of them dyes their hair and one doesn't is that what it is yeah yeah is this the story you thought I was going to say oh no I thought you're talking about something about uh John Mayer or something oh yeah John Mayer was there a couple days later and I saw John Mayer do comedy twice did you try to smell his fingers no no but I met him and I shook his hand I John Mayer I'd shake his hand I'd have to go hold my finger no no I tried to suck his power out

when he shook my hand but then he sucked he shook my hand again so he took the power back but I was thinking that when I was shaking his pussy power like I was thinking

when I was shaking his hand I was like I'm getting his energies I'm getting his energy I'm stealing his soul you watch too many movies but then he shook it back and took it back

he's a handsome man you could be a handsome man too you're on your way well it was interesting by the way I invited him on the podcast and he's a you know i said if he was a fan of you and he said give him props and stuff but uh he uh actually did a pretty good job he had good writing but you know his stage presence and timing and stuff was completely not he's so handsome and he gets so much top shelf pussy i bet he's so like self-conscious when he's up there that people must think he's a dick you know what i mean like probably yeah he probably gets this weird thing

i mean look he does these concerts right he gets on stage and bitches go fucking crazy it's like frank by bitches i do not mean women in a derogatory way okay you're talking about talk funny here ladies it's the funnier way to say it ladies the ladies get very excited the ladies get loose they They get fucking nuts. I mean, that's got to be a weird mind fuck for that dude. You know, he's just singing shit. And he's like, you know, and as it comes to when it comes to like young men singers that are out there killing it, who's doing it better than him?

Is there one? He doesn't even have competition. Bieber. They all have to fuck him. Bieber, yeah. Bieber's doing it. Bieber's already. They all have to fuck him.

If you want to fuck a good musician, John Mayer, that's all. But he fucked everybody. That guy's fucked everybody. He's fucked Jennifer Aniston. He's fucked, who else he fucked? Jessica Simpson. I have no idea. He fucks them all, dude.

I didn't realize he was that. If they're hot, he meets them, he fucks them. He's fucking everything. He's fucking everyone. I had no idea he was like that at all. Are you kidding me? Yeah, I just didn't. All over the internet, it's amazing.

I don't follow his trajectory, really. He's the ultimate stud when it comes to celebrity hot chicks. And now he's doing comedy. Probably has to do something like his PR agent. Can I have something, please? Let us have something. Is that a new trend?

The people doing comedy? I think he's a funny guy anyway. I think he likes the art form. He's always hanging out in the village. You always hear about comics say that he came to the comedy store or the comedy cellar. He's a fan.

I think also it has something to do with him getting in trouble with with twitter and then having you know he just canceled his account was two million people and he was always kind of funny on twitter but it probably had something to do with like his pr guy's like all right you just said the most dumbest shit in the world you gotta get into comedy so that's acceptable or something to rebuild your career you have to be a comic because he just made fun of a bunch of women or something like that. Right. Whatever that was that he got in trouble for.

I don't remember what he said. It was something kind of dickish to women. Something – I'm a comic. Kind of generic. He also did – well, that was the other problem was he did this interview where he started talking about girls in the bank. And he felt real bad about it because I remember he got on stage and he issued this apology. Oh, yeah.

He was being really self-critical. And, you know, it was kind of interesting, you know, seeing him up there. Obviously, he, like, had really thought this out

and he was really kind of, like, you know, self-deprecating when he was on stage, kind of explaining how he fucked up and it was not his intention. And he was just trying to give people some good shit.

You know what I'm saying? He was cool, man. The conversation I had with him, zero ego, zero just down-to-earth, nice guy. He's probably tired. He probably fucked everyone that day. Probably had no loads left in his body. Right.

He's just, let me go to the comedy store and just see, plot my next move. I saw Steve-O doing comedy too recently. Really? Me too. And he actually did better, Steve-O did better than John Mayer. Is Steve-O doing,

I've heard he's been doing it For a while now right I don't know I think Dane Cook has been Sort of Taking Steve on the road Yeah Or not on the road

Mentor or something like that Yeah But no He seemed very likable On stage Steve Really He's being himself He's being the guy from Jackass

Just without all the drugs So he's totally clean now He's totally clean He's even a vegan Whoa But he's still You know he's still clean he's even a vegan but he's still you know there's still

there's another guy you can't be that guy if mommy raised you right you know if everything went well you can't be that guy or maybe he is maybe he's the product of like

could be breastfeeding until five or something like that who knows too much love he's fighting it back with fucking broken light bulbs

injuring himself broken light bulbs across the tongue you ever seen that I haven't seen that? I haven't seen that one. I've seen a lot of them that are, I feel like I've seen enough.

He was one of those people when I met him, I was like, well, here's Steve-O. How weird. Every now and then you do one of these Spike things.

I did this Spike TV thing. It was one of those awards, like Guy's Choice Awards. And it was kind of interesting, but the problem was I had to do stand-up and they had i think tracy morgan was the host of it i'm pretty sure tracy morgan was host of it and the what

they did was they had bands play like they had zz top play but they had them play like more than once it was a live audience so they played the song they didn't like it so they played it again because it wasn't live on television it was to tape and whenever something was not live on television they beat the fuck out of that poor audience and then you gotta go up there and do stand up and it was ugly I just did not have an interesting set so I wanted to get the fuck out of there

but it was a weird experience being around all these celebrities like everywhere I looked like well that's that Kat Von D chick and this is that guy you're Celebrodeed but it makes it interesting like the other day I went out with Dana DeArmond,

the porn star girl, and we went to go do karaoke. And this guy gets on stage. He was dressed up like a Mexican doing 50 Cent songs. Next thing you know, it was fucking 50 Cent. I guess they're doing that show

what they did with Jewel, undercover karaoke or whatever it's called, where they just have the girl, like these people go into karaoke bars and stuff and sing their own shit. That's what Jewel was doing? Yeah. she's doing it for a show she was doing it

for funny or die but i think that that video became so popular that like mtv or tbs ordered a pilot for this new one and uh but yeah so the next thing i know i'm i'm fucking seeing 50 cent horribly do his own music on stage awful it got so bad it. It got so bad that me and my friend, afterwards, they interviewed us. I hope they use it because afterwards, they interviewed us, and my friend's like, it was okay. I'm like, dude, tell them the truth. All right, well, so this dude looked like he was Mexican, went on stage, and he did 50 Cent songs.

It was 50 Cent, and he just couldn't even sing his own song. He forgot his own lyrics and blah, blah, blah, and I'm like, wow. And so then 10 minutes later, they put 50 back back on stage and i didn't know if it had anything to do with johnny or a friend saying that but uh they redid it you know like tv'd of doing it and it was a little bit better i actually have it on my youtube channel so uh got a red banner are you supposed to be youtubing this is totally illegal hey illegal. Hey, you know, it was from my phone. But you're there. Yeah, I was there.

Nobody stopped you from doing that. Right, right. They didn't tell you to stop? There was a million people YouTubing it. Filming with their phones? Yeah, with their phones. Did they have releases up? Did they have releases up?

They always at the Dimples Bar because they actually film there. It's across the street from all the studios, so there's always shit going on there. So you walk in and there's a thing that's like molded on the wall it's like a permanent release yes so if you go there you're just an attention whore absolutely well they film every single person that goes on stage and then what's cool is is if you it's your first time there they'll burn you a dvd for free and take a photo who owns it uh probably the studios because you go in there and you see they're just playing videos of all the celebrities that have ever gone in there like on their days off doing karaoke and you don't even

realize that they're recording and saving all this shit wow so they have some pretty interesting yeah that's the funny thing about karaoke right you go up there and you nail it if you got a really good voice you're a badass but if you if you're like trying no you're failing yeah it's the worst yeah terrible to watch it's i never try though that luckily i always like pick the song that sounds the best when you're drunk like the crash test dummies so i'll be drunk on once i'm a big fan of creed songs for karaoke because all you have to do is just the and then it's great last time I ever sang karaoke was at

the comedy works in Montreal hammered hammered and he had one of those karaoke things where your voice it doesn't matter what you sound like because

it's all echoed the fuck so I sang Frank Sinatra songs doing shots we were fucking trashed

that place is an awesome comedy club. The comedy works in Montreal. The guy Jimbo who owns it, one of the funniest guys. I'm there the December, whatever it is, it's like 10th or 11th or 9th.

Doesn't matter. It's all sold out. Yeah, it's all sold out, but it's the day before the UFC. It's 100 seats. It's just like 100-seater in Montreal. Man. It's amazing.

I have a question. Now, when you have these dates, like this Montreal date that you said has been sold out for so long, have you ever thought, hey, maybe I should go there a day early and do two more? No. No, I can't do it. I don't have time. I have a question. Can I use the bathroom?

Yeah. All right. Uh-oh. This is going to be a pain. It's on. This is from the coffee. Oh, it's from PB? Yeah, me too.

I have to. You both have to? Are you going to leave me here by myself, you fucks? I'll stay. Brian, don't leave me, man.. I have to. You both have to? Are you going to leave me here by myself, you fucks? I'll stay. Brian, don't leave me, man. Don't leave me. So anyways, then later that night, at the 50 Cent night, we went to the company. So how are your pals with Dana DeArmond from the Nasty show, from Sam Tripoli show?

Have you met her? Yeah, I met her briefly there. She's fucking funny, dude. She is hilarious. She says some funny shit, man. She wrote a tweet once on Twitter. It said, question, what was the craziest thing I ever had up my ass? Answer, cat toys.

You know what's so funny? She is, like, her biggest turn-on is transsexuals. Whoa. And I was like, dude, I'm the biggest pussy and I have a dick. Does that count? But, no, no, but she's count? Ah! But no, no. But she's one of the best hecklers too. Like I will never take her to one of your shows

because she has this whole thing where she, if somebody sucks, she will let them know they suck. But she did that to Mike Young, right? Well, to be fair, Mike Young, it was really like 2 a.m., but Mike Young got thrown on stage. He didn't even know what was going on there.

And he was kind of like, I don't know, maybe he had had a long night or whatever, but she went right into him. And then it got to the point where he was just like, Mike's a pimp. So Mike brings out just this girl he's with because he couldn't really fight the heckle, I don't think. So he brought out a girl? He brought out the girl. You know how he's always there with a girl, you know? So he brought his girl on stage. I think you're cock-pocking him right now.

No, no, no, no. I mean, like, friends. His pals. His pals. And so then, like, he just kind of, like, that act turned into just showing the girl's legs and stuff on stage. Oh, okay.

So he stopped trying with the comedy. And did he respond to her heckles? I think he tried. She was, like, bragging all about, like, Conquest on Twitter the next day. The problem was that she was doing this heckle thing at karaoke bar, too. So when people didn't know the song, she's like, why did you pick this song if you don't know how to do it?

She was making me nervous. So I kind of got nervous when she was in the comedy store because I didn't want anyone to get mad at me because I was there with her. So I kind of hid. That's hilarious, man. That bitch is crazy. Who's this? This Dana D. Armand, this por porn star that was heckling Mike Young.

Have you heard of her? Yeah, a friend of mine knows her. She does that nasty show all the time. Yeah, she likes to do stage stuff. I'm sorry, the naughty show. It's called the naughty show. She does stage stuff? I mean, she actually does stuff outside of porn.

I did some show with her at UCB a long time ago. She was one of those celebrity or panelist judges sort of thing. I think it was judged for the dirtiest sketch show, actually, is what it was. She was on the panel. I've heard a bunch of different things about her doing stuff within the comedy realm.

Isn't that funny? That's a funny combination. The stripper slash porn star slash and then comedians. That's weird. It's also weird with that. What's that girl? Sasha Gray, who's now like an actress and stuff.

Well, she's very smart, man. It's really interesting listening to that girl talk. I don't know what her deal is, but she has like all these different videos online, Sasha Gray on Sasha Gray. It's like she's like whatever she is. I don't know what the fuck happened to her. I don't know what her deal is, but whatever she is's her like she's very honest she's very yeah right i mean i feel like she's uh she's interesting because she's not the typical porn star i don't

i don't feel like you know i've watched those i don't feel like i'm like getting anything enlightening out of it but it's definitely interesting that she doesn't fit the mold kind of it's always weird to me when one person transcends out of a business you know when like all of a sudden there's this one guy who's known as this incredible bowler you know what i'm saying i mean like who's the best pool player ever you ask the average person minnesota fats i heard minnesota fats is amazing you know there's a person who somehow or another becomes more famous than everybody else and becomes that sport or that game like a lance armstrong name me one other fucking guy who races bikes, right?

Floyd Landis is the only one I know. Okay. I don't even know who that guy is. He won, but he got his title taken away from doping. Well, dude, we have a friend who was a professional cyclist who teaches jiu-jitsu now, and he tells me everyone's on it. Well, the thing that he got busted for, which I think is total bullshit, is that it's something about they're not allowed to oxygenate their blood.

They do this weird thing where they train at altitude, and they'll take their own blood, and they'll... Blood doping. Yeah, they reinsert it back in their body. How come you can't do that? That seems ridiculous to me. It's your own goddamn blood, and it's... Because it gives you an unfair advantage,

and the idea is you're supposed to all be on a level playing field. But I see your point. If it's your blood, yeah, you should be able to do whatever you want. But they also have that EPO stuff. That's what he told me they all take. Is it like the hyperbaric chamber effect? No, no, no. EPO is some sort of a chemical agent, some sort of a drug.

You take it, and what it does is it makes you produce more red blood cells, so your body produces... So it's the same effect as that. Yes, just like living in altitude. And apparently a lot of real heavy, hardcore endurance people use it, because it just produces more blood cells. Isn't that how they test for it? The only way to test for it is to take your

blood before they have a constant blood sample, right? No, I don't think so. I think EPO shows up. I think it does. I think it's a banned substance, and I think it hasn't always shown up. I think it does. I think it's a banned substance. And I think it hasn't always shown up. There was a long time when they weren't testing for it. But I think they've also retroactively tested people,

gone back and tested samples that they still kept and caught people using it. There's a bunch of shit that they take, man. I wonder what would happen if I took that. If it gets you high by any means. Or if it just makes you feel like powerful. I'll tell you, when I was living in the mountains, when I was at 8,500 feet above sea level, I was there for a couple of months and I did a gig in Philly where I was in Philly for like three days in a row.

And, dude, I felt like a fucking Superman. Really? It was crazy because I had just gone from the mountains to the water, to sea level. I was at the gym working out. I couldn't believe how much energy I had. It was crazy. I was telling my friends, I was like, dude, I feel like I can throw these fucking weights. Like you just feel like you have so much more vibrancy to your body because you have all this extra blood.

But then it probably also can give you strokes and shit too. Yeah. Epiochian at least. Same with, I took some oxygen once in the desert because i was like we were super hot we're shooting and i thought i was gonna pass out wow took a bunch of oxygen and felt i felt like a 10 000 times better after that because i was thinking about getting a home mask just yeah just pure oxygen at like i don't know four i can't remember what the rate is you have that oxygen scrubber we should just start sucking on that stuff while we're doing the show it gets you

we can have it there but the problem is it's not a uniform sound. It goes like this. Some of the hotels that when we stayed in Seattle last time. Had an oxygen bar. No, had oxygen in the bathroom. Remember that? There was like shampoos, soaps, and oxygen. Yeah, like a container that you put in your mouth.

Yeah. That stuff is great. I really think it's the best thing. I tried like hell to get an oxygen tank at home, but it's weirdly, there's a lot of red tape. You have to have a prescription for it. For air? Yeah, for oxygen.

Well, it can explode. It can explode. Everyone. It could turn you into a fucking plate of meat. Right. But I just want a little tank. Just a little tank, you know, when I'm hungover and want to watch TV. Well, hyperbaric chambers, I've always thought that's fascinating too.

And some people use those to heal. Like Uriah Faber, who's an MMA fighter. He's famous for using this hyperbaric chamber. Michael Jackson had one too. Yeah, exactly. Apparently, you get in there and you can go in there for a couple hours and you feel like you got 10 hours sleep. You feel fucking fantastic when you come out of there.

You feel all refreshed. Yeah. I don't know. It seems like a good thing to have, though, because if it does that, if it makes you heal quicker from injuries, it's got to make you heal quicker from life, right? It's got a couple hours out of day. Do you have to necessarily be in

the chamber? Couldn't you just have a bed that had oxygen flowing on your face when you're sleeping? I don't know exactly what a hyperbaric chamber does. I'm not exactly sure what it does, but I'm pretty sure it's a lot more complicated than that. It increases the pressure, I think is what it does, but I'm pretty sure it's a lot more complicated than that. It increases the pressure,

I think is what it is, right? It increases the barometric pressure. So it's basically like being underwater, but without being underwater. I don't know, I don't understand

how it works, but what it does is it assists in healing. Remember that when Michael Jackson was told about how everyone thought, he's the craziest motherfucker in the world.

That's ignorance right there. I'm like, wait a second, it's just oxygen. It's actually probably pretty good the world. That's ignorance right there. I'm like, wait a second. It's just oxygen. It's actually probably pretty good. It is kind of spacey, though. It's very fucking alien-like. The image of him climbing into this tube like some fucking star child.

A bunch of babies around him. Monkeys. The oxygen babies. Fucking amusement park ride. Those are just my oxygen babies. When I talk about the isolation tank, if people don't know what it is, if somebody brings it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want to do that so bad. And when people bring it up, the first thing they say is, oh, is that like that Michael Jackson thing? You have one of those chambers in your house? I have one. I have one in my house. You have a, oh, is it a water one?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's amazing. That's so incredible. You should do it, man. Where do you live? What part of Hollywood do you live in? I live downtown. You live downtown?

Yeah. Well, you can go to Venice. Venice has a great one. It's called the Float Lab. Yeah, he just contacted me and offered me anytime I wanted to. Flo live downtown? Yeah. Well, you can go to Venice. Venice has a great one. It's called the Float Lab. Yeah, he just contacted me and offered me anytime I wanted to. Float Lab guy? Yeah. Yeah, he's great.

Nice guy. Yeah, he's a fucking scientific genius. Evil genius, crazy man. And isn't it almost like a psychedelic experience? Yeah, we've talked about it on the podcast so many times I can't really cover it anymore. Got it. But it's exactly what it is. It's what happens is your body produces, you know your your brain becomes untethered from your body your body has no sensory

input and you just start having these psychedelic images dreams and it gets really trippy cool yeah but and by the just for that's fascinating and everything but just for the relaxation of it right you get you walk out of there you feel so good it's like all the all the strain has been removed from your muscles. It's an amazing feeling. Everybody should try it. We keep talking about doing it on the podcast, but nobody ever does. You should do a podcast inside an isolation chamber. We thought about doing that, but that would defeat the whole purpose.

The whole purpose of the thing is that you're not supposed to make any, or talk any, or have any sounds. You're supposed to just empty. You disappear. I think the best podcast is We All Ate Mushrooms a half hour before we started. Do, do, do, do. That'd be good. And then saw it coming on.

Right. And then right when we get to the panic mode, sorry, we gotta go. Bye! Hit the kill switch. The only problem with that is you couldn't really,

you couldn't A, announce that you were gonna do it. No. You couldn't say that you were doing it while you were on the podcast. Yep.

It's so tricky, man. Because if somebody wanted to go after you and say you're doing something illegal. We would just do it and not tell anybody. And it would be the fucking weirdest podcast ever.

The mushrooms are... California has like the worst mushroom laws in the country. Do they really? They do. You can... They have their... Every aspect of psychedelic mushrooms are illegal in California. In Florida...

Really? In Florida, it's like the opposite. You can do whatever you want with basically. You can grow them. You can have them picked and dry and everything. Really? Yeah, you can't even order. I thought it was a federal issue though.

It is, but somehow it's a state thing as well. I don't know. Like marijuana. It breaks down, yeah. But there's no really – it should be, but there's no prescription psychedelics. I mean they should definitely be prescribing mushrooms. There's all these studies that have come out and talked about. There's one that just – someone was talking about it yesterday,

about how psychedelic drugs, psilocybin, LSD, and even MDMA, they actually improve people's psychological state. Yeah, psilocybin is a great, great thing, I feel like, because it's one of those

things where you can't take too much of it because your body builds up a tolerance so fast that you can basically only trip crazy like once or twice a month before you have to take consume mass amounts of mushrooms just to take just like every drug it's like people that smoke weed every day if they knew if they if they knew that they could

take three days off a week off they just reset their marijuana clock and then now they'll take a hit next week and it'll be so much stronger is. Is that all it takes? Oh, it usually takes about three days, I would say. Really? Three to five days, yeah, to reset. Yeah, I take a long time off sometimes. Sometimes I go a couple weeks without it. Yeah. Depending on if I'm writing.

If I'm writing, I don't ever take time off. It's like Doug Benson. You know Doug? Yeah. That dude, he's one of those guys that smokes all day. Yeah. Now, if that guy just took a week off, he would be back to normal. One joint.

I'm so stoned. Yeah, but I think he's enjoying it. You saw the movie, right? Yeah. Super Harmony? Yeah. Yeah. I think he enjoys it, though.

I mean, I think he enjoys being high all the time. Yeah. I think he does. He's a nice, friendly high guy. Yeah. I think it stops working, though. It's like a teddy bear. Yeah.

If you smoke all day long, you're not getting high anymore. You're just kind of- You're definitely not getting obliterated. I had a good friend in high school. You could if you eat it. I had a good friend in high school who once, we were in a video store together, and I'm like, are you high right now?

He's like, no, I'm not high. He smoked so much weed that I thought he was stoned when he was sober. That's hilarious. Yeah, I think that's the case with a lot of guys. When I was in seventh grade, there was a kid named Victor Browski. Victor Browski was a little bit older than us. He had failed a year grade, there was a kid named Victor Browski. Victor Browski was like a little bit older than us. Like he had failed a year

and he was like a little bit older than us but he hung out with us and he was one of these dudes. He looked like, in real life, like a Jim Brewer character of a crazy druggie.

Like say if Jim Brewer was doing Saturday Night Live, he was like, come on man, you fucking take it man. What's the big deal? This guy Victor Browski was fucking nuts

and he always had he always had all sorts of fucked up things that i was trying to avoid he like my friends would go and do drugs with them like whatever they want but he was like one of the first times i ever did pot i did it with vic dombrowski the gateway kid there's always the gateway kid there's that kid who like has been held back who helps helps you get access to the things by the time i was 30 years old i maybe smoked pot just a handful of times my whole life. And one of them was this fucking kid. One of them was my stepdad.

My stepdad gave me some pot when I was eight. Wow. Yeah, he was smoking weed. And I was like, let me try it. And he let me. Are you fucking serious? Oh, I'm totally serious. Wow, that's awesome.

I was a hippie. Long-haired hippie, man. We were living in San Francisco. That's awesome. It was very strange. We used to, me and my friends, and I have these tapes somewhere in Ohio. Me and my friends, when we were living in san francisco that's awesome it was very strange we used to me and my friends and i have these tapes somewhere in ohio me and my friends when we were like 15 we would you know get some marijuana and would sit around a tape recorder and just get high and like

take kind of what we're doing right now okay but you know but just three of us and it was you know when you're 15 high it's different than when you're an adult high the shit we used to talk about it was probably theest, retarded shit ever. Absolutely the dumbest thing ever. How old were you when you were getting high regularly? 15. 15, regular, like every day? Yeah.

Well, not every day because we couldn't – it was hard to get when you were 15. We would buy from college kids. So how often would you get it? Well, one of us would get it at least once a week and would probably smoke maybe two or three times a week but back then it was different back then we had to find places to smoke like church parking lots or go to malls yeah yeah it's true yeah we'd get like high in our car using pop cans and then go into the mall and walk around chess king and buy you know oh man i remember stuff like that

doing the craziest craziest things just to get get the smell of the supposed smell of smoke away that like you have this idea as a high school like that it's like clinging to you like toxic waste that it can be smelled hours after you know we drive around in the middle in the minnesota winter with the windows down like for miles with the windows down after smoking and just do all this crazy stuff like change jackets and all this stuff just in case. Just to throw the dogs off? Everything. So paranoid.

That's what I do nowadays. If you see a fucking dog in your high, you're like, shit. A dog with a cop, shit, shit, shit, shit. I was with a friend of mine and we were stoned. We were driving and this was in high school and we hit a deer. We were stoned. Oh my God. That was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me.

I thought we were going to be arrested and sent to jail. I was sure like the first thing I thought was we've committed a huge crime here. And the head

I was in the passenger seat and the deer's head jumped literally just jumped from bushes just arced over the road so there was no chance of missing it.

We were only going like 30 miles an hour but the deer's head hit the windshield right in front of me and cracked the windshield and the deer kind of tumbled off the side

of the car and I have like these three indelible images in my brain and one of them is a profile of a deer's head and the windshield

breaking I'm just like fuck oh my god was it a male did it have horns it was like a doe it was a full sized doe

we didn't kill it though because we were going really slow so it was in the car with you? Yeah. It didn't go through the windshield. It just cracked it. You know, car windshields are... It shattered it, but it didn't bust through it.

It was also just the head of it. The body of it was off to the side, so it tumbled off. And I had the passenger side window was down a little bit, and a drop of mud and a drop of blood landed on my thumb. And I was just oh my god there's a crazy one that i saw it was online it was a video of this uh family that had been interviewed after a deer went through their car a deer went through the front windshield they

slammed into it the deer went through the front front windshield kicked and smashed its way and and went out the back when nobody died nobody died but the kid the girl got fucked up she got like hoofed in the face and her nose was broken and she had two black eyes and she was like a part of some play or something so she had to like get ready she didn't want her understudy to have to do she had like two weeks to heal up and she was just jackmified and then you know the the father got fucked up he had like broken orbital bones and shit and you know deers are fucking dangerous up. He had, like, broken orbital bones and shit. And, you know, deers are fucking dangerous, man. They hit your car like that?

People die all the time. They go right through the car. Yeah. If you're living in a deer community, it might be a better, it might be a good idea to have, like, some big fucking Mad Max type cage over the front of your car. Well, we used to always have it because in Ohio it's pretty bad. But we used to have those little things you put on your bumpers that whistled. Oh, it scares them? Yeah.

Those actually work, though. I feel like they kind of work. They can never hit one. What if it runs out of batteries? Then you're fucked. Well, I don't think it's the batteries. I think it's the wind. It's kind of like a whistle that you put on your car.

So when you drive, the air goes through it and makes a sound that you can't hear, like a dog whistle. And I mean, it seems like it makes sense. I think they kind of work, but I don't think they actually work because if they did it would probably mandatory to have them or something insurance companies pay out the ass when when right people I've been in the car like six or seven times hitting deer yeah yeah there's a lot of a lot of a Minnesota yeah Minnesota's packed with them right yeah well the problem is is like there's no natural predators and like the city areas so there's no these herds just? Yeah, well, the problem is there's no natural predators in the city areas,

so these herds just go crazy. You don't have mountain lions or anything? There's no mountain lions. There's coyotes maybe on the way outskirts and timber wolves up north, but in southern Minnesota there's nothing to kill them. You know, over the last hundred years there's been two instances of wolves killing people. I just found this out the other day. One of them they killed and ate this guy. The wolves did?

Yeah, they found him when they were eating this guy. It was in 2005. Then there was a woman recently in 2010. Did you just Google that or did you find it? Did you just accidentally stumble on it? I remember the story. I remember the story. That's how fucked up I am. I remember the story because

I had a conversation with someone where they were talking about... It was the dumbest conversation ever. It was like, who would win, a gorilla or a grizzly bear? It was one of those conversations, and I was saying a grizzly bear would fuck a gorilla. Yeah, I think so. A grizzly bear would do whatever it wanted to do. But maybe the gorilla would do something smart. Oh, no.

I would have picked the gorilla. Really? Yeah, I would have picked gorillas. They're just crazy strong for some reason. Yeah, but so are bears, and they're way bigger. Like a big bear is like 2,000 plus pounds. Gorillas don't get to be that big. Did you ever find the answer?

Yeah. Well, I don't know. It's just speculation. I mean, I think probably Japanese people have probably done it for a video. They do it with bugs and tigers. Oh, yeah, those bugs. I've seen tigers versus lions. They've done that.

They did tigers versus crocodiles. Like an actual tiger. They make them fight each other. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was a Japanese video. I might not be correct about that. It might have been Japanese subtitle of a video somebody else made. But I saw a tiger versus a lion. I saw them.

They do a lot of them with bugs. They have like bug contests. Yeah, those stag beetles. I saw some documentary about that. That's really interesting. They're obsessed with those beetles. They gamble on them about that. It's really interesting. They're obsessed with those beetles. They gamble on them too.

But nobody's going to stand up for a beetle. Isn't it funny? It's like we know they're alive, but they're not quite close enough for us to give a fuck.

Not quite sentient. You can have like a TV show where you have these things battle to the death and nobody would freak out. Beetles?

Yeah. People got pissed off at me at the snail video I did back in the day. Yeah, here's the thing about snails, though. The thing about snails is that people more relate to snails than they do to beetles because snails are soft, and we're soft.

Isn't that crazy, though? But don't they eat snails? We don't eat beetles. Yes, we eat snails. Yeah, but it doesn't matter. We eat deer. We love deer. But I think there's a certain...

No one gets upset if you go to the store and buy ant spray, if you're going to go fuck up some ants. There's you go to the store and buy ant spray you know if you're gonna go fuck up some ants there's no people like standing in front of the ant spray aisle picketing you know

but they'll go crazy about Kentucky Fried Chicken that and cats you can't people love cats of course you don't like cats I can't stand them

actually we did a thing on the show I fucking hate them you hate them yeah terrible person we did a we shot with a submarine

on Mega Drive and we decided we'd get a bunch of cats and bring them to the submarine because cats hate water, so it would be kind of a little payback. I mean, it's cute, but I just don't know. I'm just a dog person. Maybe it's a colon thing. It could be, yeah. Actually, no.

A friend of mine who doesn't have a colon as well, he loves cats. So it doesn't make any sense. You know what, man? I could see your point, though. I've had some cunty cats in the past, but I've got really cool cats now. It's all in what kind of cats are around. But dogs are always more interactive.

I don't hate cats. I just... You don't give a fuck. I don't want to injure them. I don't want to hurt them. Right. But I just don't want them... Don't give a fuck.

I just want them to be away. Yeah. Get out of here, you needy cunt. Keep my distance. Keep your distance from my body. Needy fucking hole. We had a PET, you needy cunt. Keep my distance. Keep your distance from my body. Needy fucking hole. We had a PETA rep on set for that. Really?

To decide how many was the appropriate number of cats to put in a two-man submersible. How many did they agree on? Under five. Had to be less than five cats. That's what someone was deciding. How arbitrary is that? I know. It's one of the things, because it's definitely a precedent.

I don't think it's ever happened before. They never had to decide what is the right number of cats things because it's definitely a precedent. I don't think it's ever happened before. They never had to decide what is the right amount of cats. And this cat shit all over, shit and piss all over the pilot

and not me at all. She's probably scared, right? Oh yeah, definitely scared. But they were really cool. I was kind of disappointed. I was hoping for like some total freaked out. They'd be bouncing around

like little rubber bullets. They just said, all right, let's just deal with this. I just kind of sat there and clenched into my thighs. These people have a plan. Yeah. When we did Fear Factor, they visited us a bunch of times, a bunch of deal with this. I just kind of sat there and clenched into my thighs. These people have a plan.

When we did Fear Factor, they visited us a bunch of times, a bunch of different stunts. There were some PETA representatives or some group representative that always wanted to make sure that we weren't doing anything fucked up. From the horse vagina union? Well, it was really issues were like rats. Oh, okay. We did some stuff with rats where rats got piled onto each other and you know a certain amount of rats on top of each other it becomes chaos because there's a rat

at the bottom there under 30 layers of rats what's happening to that rat yeah it seemed like you also guys had stunts where like there's people in like things of rats where you could just step on the rats they stepped on them yeah i'm sure they did i like we tried to avoid it but people would scream and the rat would bite them and they're like, fuck, fuck, I stepped on it. People hate rats, man. I feel like they're pretty cool.

Well, until they're trying to eat your ass. Have you ever lived in New York City? No. Dude, I was in New York City once and I was at a gas station and I moved to,

this is how long ago this is, I didn't even have a cell phone and I had to go over to a pay phone to make a call and I'm, you know, maybe 10 yards away from my car

at a pay phone and I'm watching rats jump all over my wheels climb up into my car housing climb down big ones dude big ones like small cats like half the size of a cat and they're just jumping all over my i'm like whoa this place is infested and then they would climb into the sewer grates and i'm like what does it look like down there because this is fucking nuts nuts. I swear to God, man. I was in there. I was talking on that phone for maybe two, three minutes. At least a dozen rats climbed all over my fucking wheel.

I see a lot of rats out here in LA. I go in my backyard at night and the power wires are just like, it's like a train. Yeah, I see. We get them up here in the hills. I see them downtown a lot. There's tons of them down there. But nothing like New York, I don't think. Because New York has that whole underground layer right i see there's more rats

than there are people right many more way more yeah wrap your head around that shit man i used to date a girl that had a rat that she just like let run around the whole house and it was a smart rat though oh i mean that's the thing that's the thing about it's weird you're taking your chances they're pretty smart right yeah i guess so you're taking your chances yeah a chick with a rat. Right? Yeah, I guess so. You're taking your chances. Yeah. You know? But it's one of those things where I'm sure it's like the hot crazy chick.

You know, she's crazy, but she's got the rat. We were just talking about that at the beginning of the show before we ever started. We were talking about a certain someone that we know has a certain situation where there's a certain hot chick who's crazy as fuck and she's into him and he's trying to figure out what the fuck to do. And I'm saying run. Run like the breeze. I think you have to try to engage the animal escape the attainment maybe perhaps like breaking a stallion you can't tame yeah i think it's like breaking a stallion where it's like those things where you have to just make an attempt to

engage the uh the beast and and get what you can from it and think hmm do you say that but you're young how old are you um i'm 29 yeah and but i have dated i dated a crazy girl how crazy she was she was bipolar and i was in college and she uh it was one of those things where um for one ending that relationship is very difficult because bipolar people don't deal with those type of things very well so it was like you know 4 a.m someone painting on my front door kind of crap like creepy crazy shit and i don't know she was painting like things on your front door like scratching stuff into the door oh and you weren't home you were home um you were sleeping i think i was yeah she's below you awake clawing at wood yeah i was like a fucking zombie

so stuff like that i mean she wasn't she wasn't like the craziest bipolar but there's i can definitely have sympathy for the uh for that situation because it's something i think a lot of people get into because it's that thing where there are a lot of people like who are bipolar very intriguing yeah because they're because they're crazy but they're also like maybe very talented or interesting or like prince and purple rain yeah or also just totally mysterious if i always say that if i had a time machine i can go back in time to when i was 17 that's what i'd do i'd go straight straight fucking mystery prince and purple rain i'd be wearing fucking big coats to school girls would think i would be amazing yeah a big trench coat and shit i have secrets lots of secrets

i'll be very dark. That would be nice. That's the move for dumb chicks, man. Be a mystery. They love it. Yeah. You know, he's so different. Maybe like Thelonious Monk. I've got to go.

You're like Batman, bro. You're living up in a castle somewhere in the dark like Thelonious Monk. There you go. He's a musician. He's brilliant. He's amazing. He's amazing. He's amazing.

He doesn't like to give interviews. He doesn't like to give interviews. He doesn't even have cell phones. Oh, my God. He's amazing. Oh, if you didn't have a cell phone, that would be like a chick magnet. Yeah,

right? I don't have email. Oh my God. I don't believe in it, man. I don't do email. I'm all about the moment. I'm all about interacting with people.

I want the real experience. But then Norm MacDonald would be really hot right now if that was the case. Well, he does have a phone. Yeah. He does have a phone.

And Dana White too. He was talking to me about Norm was on our plane when we were flying back from Detroit. We were in Detroit. By the way, Ann Arbor, Michigan fucking rocks.

We had a great time, dude. Me and Tommy Segura did the comedy showcase in Ann Arbor. Fuck, what a great club. Perfect size, like 250 people, low ceiling, super awesome town. Everybody was all stoners and cool people. Apparently, it's like a really hip area of Michigan. Ann Arbor is like a college town. This dude who lived there

said this is like a mini Austin that's frozen. Yeah, it's nice there. It's nice. Audiences were fucking great. It was a good fucking time. What was my point? What were we talking about?

Norm MacDonald not having a phone. Oh, so Norm was on the way back. We were on the phone. We were on the plane with him just randomly sitting next to him, which is cool. It happened once before where he was actually

the seat next to me. That's right. I was with him that time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He doesn't have a cell phone? He doesn't have a... He does now. He does,

but he was looking at the iPhone 4 like it was some fucking time machine. He's like, hey, I was thinking about getting one of those. Is it good?

iPhone 4, huh? I would love not to have a phone. That would be nice. I feel like I can't do it though. Norm doesn't drive. He's never driven. I would love not to drive. Really?

Yeah, I can't stand driving. But you're on a show where you drive. That's the irony. You really don't like? Yeah I can't stand driving But you're on a show where you drive That's the irony You don't like driving? I don't like driving like my car on the 134 Like you know I don't like In traffic

Driving in the city is the most uninspiring experience in the whole world I feel like every time I get in a car It's like my brain just becomes that much less powerful It just crushes my will My friend Tony V told me something once. Tony V is a comic from Boston, and he was making this trek from New York to Boston. He was doing it on a regular basis,

like a three-hour drive. And he had to do what he had to do. He had a gig in New York, and he lived in Boston. So I was like, what is that like? What are you doing? Are you going crazy? This fucking drive, that's a nutty drive. He goes, I just go zen.

He goes, I just sit in my car,, I just, I'm in my car. I'm driving. I go, this is what I'm doing now. And that's how I look at it. I go, wow. I never even thought about it that way. But that really is like, you can decide that this fucking sucks. I can't.

Meanwhile, how bad does it suck? Really? What are you doing? You're sitting. Right. You know, or it requires your concentration. You think you're going to be okay? I just hate that sometimes I space out so much when I drive.

Oh, me too. That I'm like, what have I been doing for 10 minutes? Did I kill anybody? Where am I? That's a weird feeling. Am I alive? You have no idea how you're taking this right turn. You're in the middle of the right turn going, whoa, I've done everything correct.

Yeah, I think. Maybe. Maybe I didn't. No, of course you did. Otherwise, you would have woken up out of your trance. Maybe. But it's good, though. You go on autopilot, right?

If you do a route over and over and over and over and over again like that man you really can go on autopilot that i don't mind but it's the stuff where you can't go on autopilot because i feel like in la you can't because people strive so aggressively all the damn time you have to be on to be defensive to like some content too many humans it was so much different when i lived in boulder people drove so much nicer so much more polite it was a big big big difference to the point where when i came back when i was doing i was going back and forth and when i was over there for two months then i came back and i was like whoa this is crazy like you really wrap your head around how fucking fast everybody's going everybody's trying to take that right turn on red even when someone's coming they just fucking gun the gas

and i was like whoa what is that saving you two seconds what the fuck is going on whereas in boulder there was like none of that that saving you two seconds what the fuck is going on whereas in Boulder there was like none of that everybody was waving at everybody and everybody was driving slow

that's what I like to do if someone cuts me off really aggressively I like to pull up next to them and just be like hey hey how you doing

I'm like a fucking crazy person how's it going hey Brandy's gonna rear end you Brandy who's called Brandy

Brandy the singer how dare you she got shot she killed somebody no she did she fucking killed somebody No she did She fucking killed somebody Yeah She ran into somebody

With a car That's what I do not get at all If you're rich and famous Like that And you're like You're gonna go out And be crazy Why not just

Get someone to Drive you Paris Hilton Should never be driving Why would you Well I think a lot of them Are real private And they don't want anybody

To be in their life like that All the time Well you hire a hot chick to be your driver they don't want their freedom to be taken away they want to be able to just i want to leave right now you know and get your car and go you don't want to have to pay someone to be on 24 hours you could but you gotta plan it out you know they like having a car but i'm totally in agreement with you yeah i think there's like an illusion of freedom it just happens What she did is a fuck up It could have happened To anybody Brandy Yeah it wasn't

Yeah it's unfortunate That was like the worst Person ever to happen to I guess I'm thinking More like Paris Hilton Lindsay Lohan types Like why they are Driving at all

All coked up Because they're partying man They're out there Getting a freak on Right But Lindsay Lohan Keeps causing herself Problems

You call it problems I call it entertainment Yeah Okay let's be real about this it's not that big of a problem she's not living in liberia fighting off cannibals right well this is this one thing they should have done with her is you know because she keeps being everyone has a theory i'll fix her this is the this is the best thing they could have done because it was la county problem right so she goes talk about this i gotta piss okay she goes it's la county

problem so she goes la county court system What they should have done, they should have mandated her to be the public spokesperson for Metro, for Los Angeles Metro. Make her take the fucking bus. That would be like the best sentence for her. They just force her to take the bus. She's got a bunch of bodyguards there, but she has to take the bus. And you can get around fine on public transit in Los Angeles. People do it. And it would almost be fun to try to get on the same bus as Lindsay Lohan.

in Los Angeles. People do it. And it would almost be fun to try to get on the same bus as Lindsay Lohan. That would be such a great thing for Metro because they need all the positive stuff

they can get because they're just vilified constantly as they should be kind of. And it would also be the perfect punishment fits the crime kind of thing for her.

Absolutely. But why they didn't, no one ever thinks to do something actually insightful as far as punishment goes because it's, yeah. I want to try my shot at dating Lindsay Lohan.

I think it would be one of those fixer-uppers, probably a little bit harder than the most normal girl. It just seems like that she definitely does not have a normal – probably does not – well, she's a lesbian now. That's why. We've already talked about how you can't fix a man. Wait, who's a lesbian? Lindsay Lohan's a lesbian? Lindsay Lohan, yeah. How do you know?

She's not like a... Well, she's not 100% lesbian, but she was dating Samantha Ronson for a long time. She's a good DJ. Why do we care? What's wrong with us? What's wrong with us? She's a good DJ, and her brother's a good musician. She's actually respectable, I'd say.

She picked a good lesbian. Yeah. But I feel like that's one of those people who is a lesbian because, like, whoever gives you the most attention. What's that? She met a bunch of douchebag dudes. That and, like, if you meet, she probably met some lesbian who did the mind meld and, like, you know, you are mine kind of thing. Hmm. Speaking of lesbians.

Yeah. What about them? I don't know. They're awesome. Brian's a big fan of them. Yeah. Lesbians are attracted to me. Well, he's the next step in the evolutionary chain.

You know, it goes monkey to man. Brian's somewhere in there. I get mistaken for a lesbian, so I guess I'm higher or evolved. That's why I'm attracted to you. I bet you could pull that shit off. Yeah, I feel like I could pull it off too well, which would be like... Well, today anybody can. Have you ever seen that male porn star that used to be a chick I feel like I could pull it off too well. Well, today anybody can. Have you ever seen that male porn star that used to be a chick?

I think his name is Joe Buck. Joe Buck. Have you ever seen it? It's really crazy because I guess he takes a bunch of testosterone. Takes a bunch of testosterone, excuse me, and he's altered his body and his shape. Go look it up real quick. Go Google that shit right now because you need to see it because it's really strange. But how did you find out about this?

Was he Googling wolves and then you're like, I'm horny. I need to think. Google how many wolves died. It's not Joe Buck. Joe Buck is a sports guy. Okay, it's the wrong guy. Joe Buck is a guy. I'm sorry, Joe Buck.

Joe Buck is a guy from Midnight Cowboy. That's what John Boyd's. Joe Buck. Oh, was it? Yeah. John Buck is an HBO guy. He's like an ESPN, HBO type guy. It's not him.

It's another one. Well, now he's going to... Joe Rogan, you called me a transvestite. Well, I had a thing with this fucking male MMA reporter recently. Yeah, that's retarded. What do you mean? Well, there was a... But good comeback, by the way.

That's a dish bag. I'm sorry. Take that out and make it a cocksucker. Yeah, I'll callarded. What do you mean? But good comeback, by the way. That was a dish bag. I'm sorry. Take that out and make it a cocksucker. I call him a faggot. The guy's an asshole. And this is my deal with the guy. I don't even need to say this guy's name. But what this guy does is he goes and he works for various websites

and critiques mixed martial artists, the guys who are fighting in these tournaments. And he says a lot of really fucking stupid, mean shit. Like, just dumb, insensitive, and incorrect. And he does it all the time, and I would read it, and it would drive me crazy, because I know that this is a person who is, for sure, has never fought and competed, because if they did, they'd have more respect

for the people that are competing. So he shits on the fighters? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll read you some of the dumb shit that he says, because he says a lot of really dumb shit. I don't understand that. It's like people who talk shit about soldiers and stuff. How can you say that?

I can understand thinking that war is wrong and you kill people. Yeah, but that's different than talking about soldiers. It's like that Westboro Baptist Church, the picket soldiers funeral. Oh, yeah. God hates fags. The God hates fags. Right, I mean, there's like a... So this guy, I got upset with this guy because this is one of the things that happened was

he criticized me about a technique, a martial arts technique. There's a bunch of different names for this technique and one of them is the right one. Well, he's not a practitioner of martial arts, so he only knows one name for this technique. So he criticized me and he said I was clueless, which is, you know, so I got annoyed, and I wrote that this guy's a dumb cunt, and this is exactly what it's called, you know, and before it was ever that, it was something else. So this is just my response to it.

And then I start going over some of this guy's articles and all the shit that he's written about other fighters, and I start reading some of the shit that he wrote. There's more. It's just, it's always negative, cunty shit. He did it about this guy Sean McCorkle shit he did it about this guy sean mccorkle and did a guy about this guy jake shields so then i go to his fucking his twitter and it's all just negative negative negative what does he look like i have no idea there's no photos of him online are

you serious no photos how is that possible just a round ball he probably knows he knows that uh you know he doesn't want to put it out there because he knows he's going to just get it so i just go off on this guy and I call him a faggot. So after I call him a faggot, he makes this post saying that I used a homophobic slur. And this is my favorite part about it, that I needed to apologize to. It was like a weird quote. It wasn't just lesbian. It was like lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer.

Oh, wow. Queer's in their tier. Queer is very informed with all these terms. Well, it's just weird that, first of all, if that's a real acronym. Is it an acronym if it doesn't say a word? I don't know. No, right? I think it is, yeah.

It's a different expression. I think it is, right? If it's a bunch of letters like CIA, you don't say CIA. Yeah, it's still an acronym. It is. Like NASA stands for National Aeronautics Base Administration.

NASA. But CIA, it's not a, you just have to say the letters. I think it's still an acronym though. Is it?

Yeah. Okay. Well, anyway, so he makes this ridiculous thing that, you know, completely dodging the fact that he was absolutely

incorrect. All these people told him that is the correct name for this. And the K-1 expert, the guy who does K-1 kickboxing, Michael Chiavella, he jumps on the thread and he does all this. All these people told him that is the correct name for this. And the K-1 expert, the guy who does K-1 kickboxing, Michael Chiavella,

he jumps on the thread and he does all this. All this guy is doing is rallying on the fact that I called him a faggot. You know, that I've said this hurtful thing. So, you know,

and we've had this conversation so many fucking times. And I see everyone's point. I see you say, well, it's a homophobic slur and you shouldn't say it. I get that. I get that.

But isn't intent what's supposed to be important about words? Absolutely. Isn't that when you – It totally is. He knows I'm not calling him a homosexual. I'm calling him a faggot. He probably were in that term, though. I wasn't, though, because there's nothing wrong with gay people.

I have no problem with actual gay people. That word has changed so much not to mean what it – Yeah, it's not even a bad word for gay people anymore, is it? Well, it is to gay people. You're such a faggot. It's a sensitive topic right now. Gay used to be fun and grand and we'll have a gay old time. That's the fucking Flintstones, man.

Now gay is gay. It's homosexual. Well, even the word gay just barely means... I almost never hear someone say something is gay when they're talking about someone, oh, that coffee pot's gay. They don't mean that coffee pot is fucking. That sucks. Coffee pot. They mean it's like stupid or boring or dumb.

What gets me, what's really gross is this artificial outrage. Yeah. You know, like you're going to press this button and now you've got a magic gift. A magic gift. You left behind this sack. And I pick, it's like the World of Warcraft. He said, faggot. Oh, look what I've got. Right. I've got a new trick and i'm gonna make a big deal you should

apologize because you use the magic you know that you know somehow or another it changes what happened you know because you've said this word now you're an insensitive person yeah you know this this this this fucking hot button word like dad dad he called me a faggot like he's changing the whole argument instead of it being he's an incompetent idiot who doesn't really know anything about martial arts and is inherently negative in everything he says. It's just like, it's basically like he grabs a thesaurus, tries to sound intelligent, says a bunch of stupid shit, and just wrong over and over and over and over again. I mean, I can fucking tell you all these, I mean, if you go to the JoeRogan.net forums,

the message board there's a thread and the thread is entitled in the combat sports forum official thomas rios thread of incompetence and debauchery and douchery rather it's amazing because it's over and over again this guy being an asshole and being wrong being an asshole and being wrong but this is the sad state of mma today the journalists in MMA are so bad. There's like a few standouts and a bunch of loudmouth contrarian douchebags. That's the case of journalism in general, I feel like. I feel like no one, there's maybe three actual journalists doing anything.

I don't want to say three. There's a lot. I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying. Everyone's a reporter. No one's a journalist. And everyone's trying to get attention on themselves, not based on their merits, but based on being an asshole. There's a guy that I respect very much. His name is Ariel Helwani, and he's a journalist.

He's a great guy, too. And every time he interviews someone, it's a really intelligent, well-thought-out interview. He's never negative. He's always positive. And he's a universally loved reporter because of this. If he was a writer, it would be the same goddamn thing. He would be universally loved.

There's guys like that that get their attention that way, and there's guys like this. So I decided to go after this guy. So I decided to do shit all over him, and I wrote a response to his being upset that I said faggot, and I said I apologize, and I understand that even though I love that word, people can view it the wrong way. So please replace the word faggot with cocksucker.

Oh, okay. What the fuck, man? I love that line. This is the dumb game we're playing. It's the word. He said the magic word. You can't say that. You know what I mean, motherfucker.

Stop playing. Stop pretending I'm shitting on all these gay people because I love gay people. I have no problem with gay people. I don't like douchebags. I don't like assholes. I don't like cunts. You want to call them faggots? Whatever you want to call them, you know what I love gay people. I have no problem with gay people. I don't like douchebags. I don't like assholes. I don't like cunts. You want to call them faggots? Whatever you want to call them. You know what I'm talking about. I'm not talking

about a negative name for homosexual people. And we are getting tied up in fucking PC bullshit in this country. We are appeasing people. We're pretending to be hurt. And you know why? Because life's too fucking soft. That's why. Because food is easy. You can go to Burger King or the fucking supermarket.

You don't have to go hunt it. So we're raising a bunch of pussies and faggots. And it has nothing to do with gay. It has to do with people being weak, dumb bitches. Soft and looking for an easy way out. And I'm going to win the lottery.

And I'm going to, ooh, you said that. Now I win. Ooh. Just a bunch of weird bitches just looking for tricks. And it's a huge problem we have with this country. And it should not be in the craziest, most pure and real sport in the world.

This sport, mixed martial arts, should be about honor. It should be about two dudes giving their all and risking everything, putting it all on the line. And they should be treated with respect. There's going to be ones that aren't as good as others. There's going to be people that try and fail. And maybe they'll learn. And maybe they won't. Maybe other people will learn from their mistakes. And that aren't as good as others. There's going to be people that try and fail, and maybe they'll learn, and maybe they won't. Maybe other people will learn from their mistakes, and that's their contribution to the sport.

But you have to respect and honor every single one of them. And for some fucking anonymous cunt, some shithead, to be just sitting behind a computer just douching on these guys left and right and left and right, it's disgusting. And you can do one of two things. You can do nothing, or you can do to him what he does to other people and make him feel it. So that's what I you can do one or two things you can do nothing or you can do to him What he does to other people and make him feel it. So that's what I decided to do I don't really give a fuck about this guy if this guy got hit in the head by a meteor It wouldn't change my pulse. I don't give a fuck But I think that things like this should be you should point out things like this being an a positive person is a really important

Thing being nice to people as much as possible is a really important thing But another important thing is cutting assholes off at the root. Stopping them. You have to call people out on something. Yes, you have to. Because by not creating this negativity and dealing with douchebags, you allow more negativity. Somebody has to do something.

I mean, the reason why Hitler didn't take over the world is because someone fucking stepped up and did something. Or groups of people stepped up and did something. Whenever someone's in a... And I'm not comparing this dude to Hitler. You grandiose douchebag. Are you... What are you, the beach at Normandy?

You fucking storming the internet? Plus, Hitler wasn't a faggot. I hear that Obama... I hear that Obama's like Hitler, isn't he? Of course he's black, bro. Don't you follow the Tea Party sign? You are a white boy. Do you know the handshake?

Obama's Hillary he's also Mussolini he's Indonesian or Kenyan he's a communist Indonesian Stalin worshipper

I forgot about that is there ever going to be a president we love again is there ever going to be anyway because everybody

wanted me to address this that's why I had to address this I don't really give a fuck what that guy does that's faggotry Brian says that I think that word's hurtful faggotry. Brian says that. I think that word's hurtful. Faggotry?

What's important in this life is that you get checked every now and then. And someone said this in one of the threads on the Mixed Martial Arts Forum. They said on MixedMartialArts.com, they said, this dude needs his ass kicked. And when you get your ass kicked at some point in your life, that really beats the douche out of you. And a lot of people have never gotten their ass kicked. And this guy clearly is like that. It's a humbling experience. Yeah, he's just being an asshole over never gotten their ass kicked. And this guy clearly is like that. It's a humbling experience. Yeah, he's just being an asshole over and over and over again.

And this sport doesn't need that shit, man. If you want to bring that to fucking darts or whatever. The problem is that this sport is like a magnet to that attitude. Well, it's because there's a lot of people that are involved in this sport that don't train. That's what it is. They're not true martial artists. Most people probably, though. A lot.

A lot. A lot do, but a lot don't. And even the ones that don probably though a lot a lot a lot do you know you know but a lot don't and the ones that don't well even the ones that don't a lot of the ones that don't are really cool they just appreciate the effort and they love the sport and they love to follow it and they do they want to be a part of it there's a lot but there's a lot of them that are just cunts you know and they need to be outed you know you need to let them know hey this is not cool no you shouldn't be hiring cunts no you shouldn't be letting cunts spread their bullshit if they want to develop their own shit and start their own website,

there's nothing you can do. I'm not saying you should stop that. But what I'm saying is you shouldn't be fucking paying cunts money. Faggots. There's a really good South Park episode, surprisingly enough, about the word faggot. I heard about that. It was like bikers or something like that? Yeah, it's very, you know, as usual, those guys hit the nail on the head.

Always. They're very accurate about it. But it breaks it down to where all the kids are calling these bikers, like these, you know, loud Hell's Angel type, not Hell's Angel, but, you know, Harley drivers, riders calling them faggots. And everyone's getting up in arms because they're using that word. And they're like, you can't say that about gay people. I'm like, what?

We never say anything about gay people. We're talking about these assholes on the motorcycles. They're faggots. They're like, what do you say that about gay people. I'm like, what? We never say anything about gay people. We're talking about these assholes on the motorcycles. They're faggots. They're like, what do you mean? What do you mean? It's so accurate because it's like these, they're children. They're like, we don't have a problem with gay people.

We have a problem with these guys driving their loud ass motorcycles through like next to our school and stuff. It's magic words. Look, it's any time you have any hateful feeling towards anyone for no reason other than the fact

that they're a part of a group that's not you. Whether it's black or gay or woman or whatever the fuck it is. There's something wrong with that. Absolutely, inherently, there's something wrong with that.

But it needs to be about intent. It can't be about hot-button magic words. It needs to be about what, I mean, it can't be one word that means something that's dehumanizing. It can't be, you know,

because that's silly. You can't allow a word to be that powerful. dehumanizing. It can't be, you know, because it's, it's that silly. You can't allow a word to be that powerful. It's like a landmine or something. It's like, look,

but like, no one's ashamed of being straight, right? I don't know anyone that's ashamed, I mean, I'm sure there must be someone,

but, you know, generalizing this. There's one crazy dude. I'm sure, if you can think about it, right? But then you would probably

be gay if you thought that. Right, but what I'm saying is, people are comfortable with being gay because they're not persecuted are comfortable with being gay because they're not persecuted, or with being straight because they're not persecuted for it. It should be exactly the same with gay people. It should be that they're so

comfortable with being gay that if gay people came out with a slang term for straight people, if gay people came out with a derogatory term, like you fucking breeder or just something where people would feel like, God, I can't believe you called me that it's there's nothing it doesn't exist it can't happen it should be exactly the same like with gay people it should be you call a gay guy

a faggot and he's like what are you are you you really you're making fun of me because i like guys yeah i like guys who gives a fuck what's wrong with you like what's wrong with you stupid and that's how people would feel somebody called you a breeder. It should be even. That's the real answer. The real answer is not stop magic words. The real answer is everybody should be the fucking same and you should be able to call everyone a faggot. It shouldn't mean anything.

It shouldn't be magic words. Nigger shouldn't be a magic word. Cunt shouldn't be a magic word. Faggot shouldn't be a magic word. It's nonsense. You should be able to bring those up freely in meetings, in business meetings. Yeah, right.

The more you say it, the less power the word has. Exactly. I had a business meeting yesterday about my t-shirts. I got this clothing line called higherprimeandclothing.com. And the guys who are the artists that are behind it, they're all these fucking really cool artist dudes with crazy tattoos. And it was a business meeting.

And it was like, con and fuck. And it was all, I saw this on the internet. And I saw that. And I said, this dude said he sent, this guy is like one of the head guys over there. He tells me he sent one guy, one cup. Have you ever watched that?

One guy, one cup? I haven't seen that. Or one jar. It'd be one guy, one jar. I'm glad I haven't seen that. He squats over a glass jar and it goes inside of his body and breaks in his anus

and it comes out in bloody chunks. Wait, wait. He shoves it into his anus. Do you want to watch it right now, Son? I don't. I think the description is Anyway, the point is, this guy, this is how crazy this guy wait. He shoves it into his face. Do you want to watch it right now, son? I don't. I think the description is efficient.

Anyway, the point is, this is how crazy this guy is. This is my business meeting I had. He goes, so I sent it to my mom saying, here's some new pictures of your grandson. No way. That's awesome.

I sent it to my mom saying, here's my kid. Check it out. Some people just have weird relationships. So then he goes, and she calls him up, you're sick.

She's a crazy Christian lady, apparently. She's like, you're sick, and you're going to hell. You're going to hell. He goes, I just have, okay, I and then he goes and she calls him up you're sick she's a crazy christian lady apparently she's like you're sick and you're going to hell you're going to hell he goes wow i just have okay i'm sorry i'm sorry i just have to ask one thing did you watch the whole thing of course i did she said that he goes well guess what you're going to hell too you knew what the fuck you're doing you could have shut that off you watch the whole thing uh yeah but that's that's how it should be man it shouldn't be this fucking formal fake world you know part of the reason why so many people got fucked over in the financial crisis and so many people like put trust into this imaginary fucking stock market and financial system that we have is because it seems like it's all official and everyone's buttoned down and everyone's dressed

the right way and they're wearing ties and wearing business suits and they wouldn't fuck me over they show up in their leather briefcase and they look official and they're doing dressed the right way, and they're wearing ties, and wearing business suits, and they wouldn't fuck me over. They show up in their leather briefcase, and they look official, and they're doing all the right things, and they're not saying all the bad words, because I wouldn't trust my money to one of those fellas. Yeah, if you say, fuck. Yeah, if you walked in saying, cunt, faggot, nigger, you know, and that's the name of it. Hi, welcome to our, this is our bond company.

It's called Cunt, Faggot, Nigger, and we're here to take your shit, and we're going to make a lot of money. Come on, let's do this. Woo, you ready, dude? Give me a high five. I'm like, this guy's shaky. i don't trust him with my money you know he has to be like super reserved slick buttoned down predetermined patterns of behavior easily predictable he's a gentleman he has a fucking scarf in his pocket you know the whole deal it's the same with like

politicians the same thing where you can't be if you fall outside that mode of politician you're just you're you're a whack he's a wacko. He's a loon. Like Ron Paul. Yeah. People think Ron Paul is absolutely crazy when the guy has written, he knows more about economic policy than any person sitting on the,

any congressman. There's a very, when you ever think, just because people think someone's crazy, that it's a good thing, that you should pay attention. Watch those videos of Hitler, and it's back before World War II erupted where he was talking about requests from,

I guess it was the United Nations at the time, was asking him not to invade certain countries as Nazis. And he starts listing off the names of the countries like he thinks it's a joke. He says one, and then he pauses. And then he says, and this one, it's all in German. And he's saying Belgium and France and this. And they start laughing their fucking asses off they think it's so funny because he's making a joke out of the fact that they didn't just ask him to not invade france they asked him to not

invade all these other places because they think we're gonna do it and everybody starts laughing you know that's that's how fucking crazy people can be yeah you can never think that just because the masses think it's funny that it makes sense. You know, that the masses are going along with it that it makes sense. Most people are fucking crazy. The reason why society works at all, I mean, the fact that society works at all is a magic trick. It's incredible. Yeah.

It's amazing. When you think about how fucked up most people are, you know, most people, but yet somehow or another, all together we create this magically complicated society where people get in fucking metal tubes and fly all around the world. They land into these electronic jungles of lights, and it's amazing it all works the way it does. Because if it was for most people, I mean, it's just a tiny fraction of the population that's keeping the technological level at the level that it is today. Most people are in the Stone Age, practically. Yeah. A ton of them.

Well, we would be too. We all are a part of this thing that's been created by other people before us. I mean, this is all shit from my last special, but I did a joke about it where I said, if I left you alone in the woods with a hatchet, how long before you could send me an email? Yeah. Probably never. Yeah. We don't know how any of this shit works.

We just use it and we turn it on that's why I really feel like at some point people can start getting information sickness that whole idea that you know

your brain won't be able to won't be able to cope with the how fast technology is advancing imagine what it's going to be like I can't handle it right now

exactly imagine what it's going to be like like a few just a few hundred years from now when they talk about if there are people left yeah if they talk about this age this is the. Yeah. If they talk about this age.

And this is the age of change. This is the really big age of change. This is like the breakneck change, because things are happening faster. This technology is changing faster than the humans who consume it can absorb it. Yeah.

You remember when you were a kid when they started talking about the days of the teletype? Yeah. And you're like, whoa, they figured that out. They figured out how to go dee-dee-dee-dee-dee

Morse code and shit and send sounds through the water. That's weird because I have younger, two younger sisters and one of them is, you know,

she's I guess about 10 years younger than me or more and so she grew up with the internet since she was like, you know, since she could remember.

But I learned about the internet you know, kind of after like midway through high school started doing stuff with it but then it became like a big thing in college, so it was, like, I didn't learn about it. I didn't grow up with it in, like, the years that matter.

So it's not, like, ingrained in my, it's not ingrained in me, but. They're going to be so much smarter than us. But they're smart. It's, like, a different sort of thing. It's, like, they know one thing, but there's also other stuff they just can't, they just can't do. Like, there's other things, like, anything like anything that takes like a long amount of attention or like um anything it takes anything outside the computer world it's difficult it's super difficult yeah chopping wood yeah coming up with the impetus

to build a house right it's almost impossible yeah it's not yeah it's weird right fuck things are changing fast man this is the first generation we've had that's been all online since, for growing up online. Dude, my two-year-old, she's two and a half years old and she knows how to find her favorite movies on iTunes. Yeah, that's incredible. That's awesome.

That's scary. It's also kind of creepy. It's crazy. It's crazy. She sees icons, she recognizes characters and, you know, she likes Beauty and the Beast.

She goes, oh, it's Belle. It's Belle. She clicks on shit and she sees the little play arrow. She knows what that is she hits play i'm like whoa this is nuts man she's already tuned in she can use a mouse probably right she can use a mouse and the keyboard yeah well most yeah she knows how to use a trackpad too

she doesn't use a trackpad she's two and a half that's crazy yeah that's like such a it's like a disconnect that doesn't doesn't make sense it really shouldn't make any sense that's weird so weird she knows how to scroll through an iphone She scrolls through songs and shit with her fingers. I've never seen that before. That would be creepy. It's bizarre. She scrolls through looking for her favorite games. She picks up the iPhone.

She's scrolling through it, and it's as big as her head. She's fucking two. She's looking. Oh, and then she clicks on it, and then her little game starts playing. Then she turns it up, and she's playing a game. I'm like, this is nuts, man. I'm not going to be able to talk to people in 10 years. I feel like there's going to be such a massive disconnect

between people who there might not be people in ten years there might not there might be cue spooky music we might have play some of the

the Conet this is the end of the show ladies and gentlemen this bitch went two and a half hours alright we did it Johnny Pemberton is a bad motherfucker

and you should follow him on Twitter folks because he wants to be amazed at how many new people he gets today. Watch his new show. The show is on Thursdays at 11 p.m. on MTV. Mega Drive. Mega Drive.

And it is on what time? Thursday, 11 p.m.? Thursday, 11 p.m. You've got to watch it. I think... Can you give us a preview of what happens this week? This week? Well, I think it's Thanksgiving, so we're off.

Okay. But the next week, I'm riding in that crazy swamp rocket in Florida. Oh, I'm too new to that one. I think it's the crane, the crazy all-terrain train. Crane? That is crane. Crane. That all-terrain train.

And, yeah, I think, I mean, you can see, I'll have posted, there's a ton of extra footage and updates, as you can see on my website. And what's your Facebook address? Just my name. Just Johnny Pemberton. P-E-M-B-E-R-T-O-N that's J-O-H-N-N-Y P-E-M-B-E-R-T-O-N

and that's Johnny Pemberton on Twitter so it's you know how to do it bitch you know how to do it

you're not stupid I'm not going to fucking coddle you like a baby it's all one thank you everybody in Detroit like I said

we had a great fucking time thank you Johnny for coming over here thank you Brian thank you Fleshlight thank you F great fucking time thank you uh johnny for coming over here thank you brian thank you flashlight thank you fleshlight yes thank you for sponsoring our podcasts and uh if you've never fucked one of those you don't know what you're missing that's my that's my fucking standard thing that i say but it is true it's an excellent masturbation tool and my new fleshlight bit is killing them son i got a new bit it's it's getting longer and longer

every week um we may do one of these bitches tomorrow. I know I lied to you last week, and I said we might do it again, but I got busy last week. I had to do a show. And Johnny Pemberton and I are going to do a show tomorrow night at the Improv at Comedy Juice, 10 p.m., Improv on Melrose. All right, that's it. That's the end of our show.

Thank you very much. As always, I love you bitches. Stay positive. Keep it together. Follow the correct path. You can do it. You are not you of yesterday. You are the product of your learning and your experiences and what you know you can be.

Big kiss. I agree. Bye, faggots. Johnny Pemberton. Bye-bye. Bye, cunts. Outro Music Click it, raise it, write it, get it, paste it, save it, load it, check it, click, rewrite it, plug it, play it, earn it, rip it, crack it, drop it, zip and zip it, surf it, scroll it, browse it, click it, cross it, crack it, click, update it, edit it, edit it, clean it, print it, scan it, send it, fax, rename it, buy it, use it, break it.