The Joe Rogan Experience - #572 - Dom Irrera

Episode Date: November 10, 2014

Dom Irrera is a stand up comedian, and also hosts his own podcast called "Dom Irrera Live from The Laugh Factory."

The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day Powerful Mr. Herrera, always good to see you lad Rogan, it's good to see you too, for fuck's sake I want to play your song, because you played your song the last time we were here We didn't get a chance to play it on the show. We played it after the show and we were all like,

holy shit, this is fucking good. This is a goddamn catchy song. Like, I didn't know whether or not it was just going to be a comedy song. Like,

I know you're a big fan of music. Like, you got a Beatles hat on. You've always loved the Beatles. Because I like to keep my finger on the pulse of what's happening today, Joe. Yeah,

you like to be on the cutting edge of the newest shit. But, play this song be on the cutting edge. The newest shit. But play this song, because it's fucking good. What's it called? Disappoint You Further. Disappoint You Further. Okay. Crank that shit.

I was going to call you. I guess I must have forgot. I want to call you, I guess I must have forgot And I was gonna invite you to my favorite spot I forgot our anniversary, your birthday and other times too And I'm as disappointed as you are in me You were the best I could do Just to disappoint you And just to let you down

I didn't care enough You didn't mind it sufficiently And each time that I think of you I get distracted by something more interesting People say I'm a loser So what does that make you? Your mother calls me patetic When she's a big fat dude

The road don't keep me through I fell in love reading a suicide note I had no empathy I was disappointed as you are in me You can't compete with my apathy Just to disappoint you Is that for sale? Not yet.

We do a falsetto in a little bit. It's really hard not to laugh. Let me hear it. You'll hear it. We sound like two cats. You're not enough for me Two cats Coming right now Break my heart, Billy, and I'll shiver, hurt you You can't see If I was dying of thirst

You would be my first choice And darling You're still love of mine But it looks as though I'll disappoint you You further And I'll probably let you down I didn't care enough You didn't mind us sufficiently And each time that I think of you

I get distracted by something more interesting Just to disappoint you You find I wanna disappoint you a little further Powerful Dom Irera music artist Hey, Holly Marlin Master stand-up comedian Slash all-around cool dude He's the musical director for Cher,

and he's done, like, Pink Videos and Tina Turner. What's his name again? Ollie Marlin. And he's a buddy of yours? Yeah. And you just decided to make this? Well, here's what happened was one day his girlfriend, this is pretty funny, he's a real cad, right?

I mean, he really is. I mean, he's hilarious with women. You will get a kick out of him. Anyway. What is a cad? I don't know. Like a character. You will get a kick out of him. Anyway. What is a cat? I don't know. Like a character. Okay.

But it's kind of a little. Shady? A little smarmy, but funny. Okay. And he sends flowers to this beautiful girl in Israel, right? But his girlfriend didn't know she was beautiful. She just saw the, and she's going, oh, that's sweet. Then she Facebooked her and saw how beautiful she was, so she left him.

And I didn't mean anything funny by it. I said, it's too bad. If only she had been ugly, oh, that's sweet. Then she Facebooked her and saw how beautiful she was. So she left him. And I didn't mean anything funny by it. I said, it's too bad. If only she had been ugly, you'd still be together. And he goes, what a great name for a song. And that was the first song we did. Then this was the second. And then we just did this one, Happy Birthday, Josh. I'll just tell you about the cross-dresser.

So you've always been a fan of music. When did this take place where you decided, I'm going to start recording some songs? No, I didn't really. It's just because he's so good at it. And he's a professional. So he leads me through it. I just sing and write some lyrics.

He does the real production. He's playing instruments. The lyrics are funny. It's fun. My favorite lyric is, I get distracted by something. More interesting? I get distracted by something. More interesting? I get distracted by something more interesting than you.

How fucking mean is that? Well, it's so Dom Herrera, too. It's you if you would create a song. It's like your sense of humor in a song form. Definitely. Yeah, it's fun. It's fun. You know what it's like? It's like going to fantasy camp if you're a baseball fan.

Because I'm working with a pro. I don't have any pretense about being a musician. But I love it, you know? Yeah. That's a good way of looking at it. Yeah. Well, it's a huge opportunity. Like, what a cool opportunity.

Oh, yeah. If you enjoy making music. And he's real patient. Like, there's this one, the last song we did, I couldn't hit the note. Right? And he's telling me, so instead of singing instead of singing more i would try to be more dramatic right you know i forget what the oh i know what it was uh it was something about uh you you motherfucker left us all alone without a pot to piss in you mother so instead of singing

better i i put more acting energy in you lester's all alone and he just falls out of his chair laughing you know so it's fun yeah that's a fun thing to do it seems like and you're you're really like uh you're really into it like this is something like like you but you haven't put anything of this online no this is the first time like i was surprised at how good it was because you haven't you didn't put it on youtube you made this a while ago yeah uh a year and you just didn't know anything with it just hang on to it yeah well you know i actually philly radio and miami radio have played it oh really yeah which is really in a sense a testament to like when you get perks in one area you get perks in the other because there's so many great fucking musicians playing banjos on a corner in New Orleans

and here I am with the balls to get, you know, like, it just played on your show. You know how many people hear that? Hundreds.

Hundreds of people. At least a hundred. Probably, hopefully a hundred. Yeah, I've never, I appreciate it, man,

it's cool. Yeah, I've never had any aspirations to do like a music album or something like that but I think you really should. I think you could do a lot of those. you know when we're in town together he's gonna go out on tour with share again but we we have fun we just get drunk and and laugh and it's so much fun that way and there's something fun about not doing it for business if something happened

great you know but i mean i don't i don't think i hey i discovered this new kid domerer do you think that how crazy would that be if you started touring as a musician it would be really crazy fucking nutty that would be what if you like banged out like 12 of these slapped him on a cd put it up on itunes it fucking takes off made it way bigger than my comedy i had to open for myself imagine if you did that that would be fucking hilarious you open for yourself i didn't know he did comedy too he'd do 45 minutes start off the show and then do the music bring out the other guy you you sing joe no terrible terrible i can't sing at all i have no voice italian and irish you should be able to chirp a little can't do it one of the things no musical talent really none

zero is it is it because you don't you know you fear it or you know you just really don't well um i do fear the idea of learning musical instrument just because i know it absorbs so much time yeah i fear anything that i could potentially get uh obsessed with that has pretty open-ended and like getting good at the guitar or something like that seems pretty fucking open-ended it's like we talk about playing pool yeah you want to be really good you got to put in those 10 000 hours and i think guitar probably maybe even more so i would think because there's just like so many different like with pool like there's a lot of different kinds of shots but it's

basically you're doing the same motion you're hitting the ball in different areas but you're kind of doing the same motion with your arm Think about like all the fucking strings And all the motions of the left hand And then the right hand They're combined together And you're adjusting shit And tweaking shit And then if you've got a pedal Like fucking Hendrix

Yeah, but you've got to have talent too My nephew has the talent Yeah Like he was fingerpicking Blackbird Oh, listen, this is a family show What the fuck is this? The fingerpicking Jesus Christ, bro It's early You don't have a second second delay? Oh, fingerpicking Listen, this is a family show. What the fuck is this? The finger picking. Wait a minute.

Jesus Christ, bro. You don't have a seven-second delay? What a finger picking, son of a bitch. Pedantic. No, so he's got talent. So he was just picking it up early? He has talent. Yeah, he just picked it up. I mean, you could practice for a couple years and not be as good as him.

That's a lot of fucking practice while I'm playing guitar. Yeah. I had a buddy, my buddy Dimitri, used to grow his fingernails extra long because he would play classical guitar, and he would grow his nails, like his right hand, he would grow them extra long, and he would put like a coating on them, like a clear nail polish all over them, and he would do all of his strumming, like flamenco style and a bunch of different styles

of classical guitar, and he would do it all with his fingernails. You got to hear Prince playing While My Guitar Gently Weeps. With classical guitar? No, with just a regular guitar. I don't know what he's using, but he's fucking brilliant. Oh, he can play his ass off.

That guy's crazy as fuck, though. Have you seen his new pictures where he wears the third eye sunglasses? Yeah. Oh, you son of a bitch. I went to the opening for the the part of the opening party for the original batman and it shows you the difference between big celebrities jack nicholson is at the bar right in the middle everybody doing shots screaming and

laughing prince this is what i'm thinking what fun is this in life he's sitting there alone with two bodyguards. And it's Hollywood. Nobody's going to bother you. You know what I mean? It was like something. I'm thinking, what fun is that to be alone like your prince? Big deal. Yeah.

Your prince not having any fun as opposed to a regular person. He's a fucking weirdo. I had a friend who took a photo of him and the bodyguard took the camera away from her. She had like a disposable camera. He just took it. And she had all these other pictures from her trip on there this fucking asshole and he just smashed it but it was just for what because he took a photo of him like and all of a sudden you could steal my camera you fucking piece of shit that's why biggie and cat went to jail or not biggie biggie stardust shug night shug Suge Knight, yeah. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, supposedly they took someone's camera, something like that.

But I heard that's bullshit, too. I heard that lady had her camera in her hand when she was telling the story. She was. At like 15 minutes afterwards, she's holding the camera that she said was stolen by them. Who the fuck knows? It might have been a new camera. You're good at taking pictures of people. You've got a lot of patience.

The reason I don't want to take them a lot of times, first of all, I just want to wait. I say, can you wait like eight months until I lose some weight? Until my eyes open again. Not even that. A guy like Prince, I think it's just taking his picture at all. I think that's the issue.

It absorbs energy from him. He's fucking crazy. You ever heard his conversations about chemtrails? No. We had this podcast once where we played it. He's talking about how they were spraying stuff in the sky. And I remember when I was a child, they would spray things in the sky. And all of a sudden, everyone would be fighting.

Oh, jeez. He thought the government was spraying, like fighting spray. Right, yeah. Government's that powerful. Yeah, like everyone in his neighborhood would start fighting and arguing because they're spraying shit in the sky. What do you even say to something like that? Could you imagine if they really did figure out some shit that all you had to do was spray from an airplane,

and when it landed, everyone would just start fighting? Do you know what a big news that would be? Imagine how angry the pilot is. He's got to shit in that shit all day. He's breathing that shit, right? Breathing angry fumes. Comes home, they got to fucking trank him as soon as he were trying to come up with a gay bomb you know this was an active uh pursuit of the the bush administration some scientists came up with the idea that they were going to come up with a bomb and they were going to be able to drop it

on like iraq or something like that and everyone would go yeah for real the idea was that this spray they would drop it like near the troops and it would wash over that and everyone would go gay. It's going to make the whole country gay. Yeah, for real. The idea was that this spray, they would drop it near the troops and it would wash over them and they would be instantly in love with each other and they would lose all desire to fight. Abdul, come here one second. Give me some cock right now. Not now. No more bum.

Only cock. Did you ever hear that there's certain cultures that if they can get kids to blow them, it's not considered gay yeah yeah or if the fuck is that who jewish who who rationalized that one i don't know someone not that smart some sick bastard yeah well there's that the papa new guinea tribe of uh semen warriors and it's papa new guinea tribe when they when are young, they take them away from their parents, or from their mother at least, and they live in these bachelor houses. And these men fuck them. They fuck them and fuck their mouths and fuck their ass, and they feel like the only way to develop them into strong warriors is they have to ingest cum.

This is not like a small amount of people either. This is, you know, thousands of people practice this. It's very, very very very strange and it's been going on for a long time they're called priest they're way crazier than priests well the new uh papua new guinea semen warriors do they have a documentary about it and what is it rated how the fuck did you find that one joe i don't know uh i would say that it's probably x or nc-17 what is is the difference between NC-17? NC-17 actually plays in regular movie theaters.

X actually only plays in adult movie theaters. So X is basically just fucking. Right. It's just porn. Isn't it crazy that you can go to a movie at a regular movie theater and people's fucking heads can be exploding? Oh, yeah. Think of the disturbing shit that you could see if you just watched The Walking Dead, you know? Yeah.

I mean, they show people getting chopped up with machetes and shit, but you can't watch people have sex. You can't watch the one thing that everybody wants to do. You can't watch that. You should at least be able to watch two women. You know what I like? The older woman, younger woman. Is that your shit? I like that.

Mom, daughter? It's kind of sexy. Yeah. You know what I love what they do? They have this little expose at the beginning saying that they're really a mother and daughter. Like, we didn't know that. Oh, right. Well, they sit them down.

They have their name underneath it. I guess for legal reasons or whatever. The Russian ones don't have that, though. If you get the Russian mom and daughters, it's real. It's a real mom and daughter? Yeah, but they speak in Russian. Yeah, how do you know it's real? It could be, though.

You know, people are broke enough, they'll do anything. That's the sad thing about pornography. That makes it hard to enjoy. You know, especially... Oh, if you think about it that way? Well, you think about... If you think about, like, poor people

that have no other option, yeah, that'll fuck your head up. Or if you think about people that have been molested and that's why they're doing pornography, that'll fuck your head up, too. Well, I stopped going have been molested and that's why they're doing pornography, that'll fuck your head up too. Well, I stopped going to strip clubs because, I'm not saying I'll never go again,

but because my goddaughter is that age now. Since she's been like 18, I can't go to strip clubs and then have her come home and worry about her. So it really ruins that fantasy. No, I mean, because the you know, the fantasy of them, like, working their way through, getting their master's in cello and playing the cello at the University of Pittsburgh. We're in Cleveland doing the hilarities.

And some girl actually said that to a friend of mine. Then he gave her money. Yeah, yeah. She's not going to school. She's got some money from you. She's going out and back to do coke. I mean, I'm all for it.

If anyone wants to do it, I think if it has to do, if I was a woman and it was between working at Denny's or dancing naked and making a thousand bucks a night. But also you have to be

a good looking woman. You can't be just a woman. That's the problem, right? Yeah, that's the problem. But you could be like a little off some dudes are into that but it's still yeah that's what you're selling yeah that's true it's a good way to look at it they don't make that much money anymore i just read a whole thing about how strip clubs used to be you walk in people are throwing money on the stage and non-stop but nowadays that the strippers actually have to go to the people and try to sell lap dances.

That gets totally changed their job. What do you think that is? Do you think that's like pornography on the internet? Like they have more access? Money. 100% money. So like the economy shitting the bed. Yeah, totally.

Does the economy affect comedy clubs that much? Well, I think comedy clubs kind of slid by because people needed a laugh right so movies one of the movies that affected right but i think so but then you wonder how much of that is attributable to piracy or just having awesome tvs that are better than most movie theaters yeah and like always movies that you haven't seen i mean you could always go on itunes or something you haven't seen and you can get it instantly in your home and not have to deal with anybody talking. And, God, the last time I was at the movie theater, this fucking couple just wouldn't shut the fuck up.

It was so brutal. They were just talking while the fucking movie was on. Imagine how many less people go to movies now. A lot less. A lot less. For sure. Or buy music. That's a big one.

That's antiquated now. I had Paul Stanley on from Kiss, and he was talking about the dip in record sales. This is going to be the first year where no band goes platinum. Wow. Yeah, there's no platinum anymore. Well, Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift went platinum. Well, no, I'm not saying she did. No, I'm not saying she did, but what I'm saying is they had a big thing about her this week

that she's actually still selling albums. Yeah, because people who like her are too fucking stupid to have a computer. That's what it is. I'm just kidding. She's hot, though. She's beautiful. I don't even know what her music is, honestly. I'm just talking shit.

Maybe I'll team up with her, Joe. Do it. I think Kanye was right the whole time. I don't know. Fuck all that. I'm sure she was right. Just the way he did that. That was one of the douchiest things a person's ever done.

Was that who he went on stage with? Yeah. He took the microphone away from her and said, I'm going to let you finish, but first I just want to say, but Beyonce had the best music video of all time. Of all time. Like, whoa. The fact that you think your opinion is so important

that you interrupt someone while they're getting an award. That's terrible. Not only that, who the fuck can say whose video is better than whose? Like, there's going to be videos that you love, and I love you, but there's going to be videos that you love that I think are dog shit, right? That's just the way it is. There's going to be stuff that I like that you're going to think is terrible. There's going to be stuff that I'll go out of my way to listen to,

and you'll be like, Jesus fucking Christ, will you turn that off? Yeah. We all have different tastes. So anybody that thinks their taste in music video is more important, that said, that Beyonce video was pretty dope. Yeah, and I would fuck Beyonce before her any day. Oh, yeah.

Without a doubt. Does Beyonce have a choice in this? Without a doubt. Beyonce's ass is out of control. No, she doesn't have a choice. In Brian's special secret fantasy world. No, why would she have a choice? That would fucking ruin everything.

Oh, sorry. She's supposed to be magically attracted to him. I always loved that. You know, we're allowed to... My husband and I, we're allowed to fuck two people. Me, Al Pacino, and her. Like, you know... Like, Al.

Does Al have a say in this? This is how I picture it. I picture Brian in a magical bathrobe. He steps out, and he just looks at the two of them. Beyonce, Taylor Swift. He goes, you. And he takes them into a room. Taylor Swift feels oppressed.

There's clouds everywhere. He lives in a fantasy. Ties her up. Butt up in the air. Ties her up. Why ties her? You don't want to tie people up. That gets slippery.

Slope. Did you hear Artie Lang got in trouble? Yeah. Because he said some uh there's some beautiful actress he said something like he would want to have her as his uh as slave or something along those lines he did a lot of stuff back and forth on twitter i heard i was in toronto so you get trouble for twitter not anymore people have lightened up over the last couple of days.

It used to be that you could fucking lose your job, but now people are just way more cool on Twitter. No one's arguing anymore. It ended. Everybody realized calling people names on Twitter is fucking pointless, so it just ended. I don't do that, man. I don't know what he said, but he apologized. He apologized to her if he hurt her feelings, but not to anybody that was asking him to apologize. He was like, fuck you.

Like, this fucking PC is going to be the death of funny. It's like where a guy can't just fuck around and say something like that. Like, of course he thinks slavery should be illegal. Of course. That's going out on a limb. I'm crazy like that bro of course he would think that the idea of him enslaving her is fucking ridiculous but he's just trying to be funny yeah that's all he's trying to do it's never gonna happen it didn't work he missed he missed

the mark but he's just trying to be funny that's all it is arty lang loses that midnight appearance banned from espn after tweets wow they banned them from espn jesus christ let's let's read the tweets this chick on espn's oh she's on espn espn's first take is so fucking hot he said trying to maintain direction jerk off to chick on first take but they keep cutting back to stephen a smith and the white guy frustrating skip bailiff okay here it goes it's official that's it wait a minute that's not what he said there's more yeah what are the did they not print the slave quotes they quote oh my god look at that they're so scared yeah they didn't print the slave quotes what did he say what was the slave quote oh here what's the slave quote oh, they did take it out. Oh, my God. Oh, they took it out.

We could probably find it on another. Okay, let's find it. That hurts my head. Look, what he did was not funny, but the first shit was funny, trying to maintain my erection. Yeah, you know a show? Have you ever seen that show? No. She's really hot.

Carrie Champion's her name. She's a black chick. I saw a photo of her. She's beautiful. Yeah, she's beautiful. But, you know, look, the first stuff was funny he he fucked up but i mean who knows you might have been drunk who knows what the fuck was going on i attempt to whip oh wait a minute no before it was uh there was a thing before that right there's a it eventually got worse but i thought

he had a um there was something about owning her oh i, I attempt to whip Carrie Champion because she disrespected the Jefferson plantation, but she grabs a whip and beats me. I come like a fat founding father. Come on, that's funny. After having eight illegitimate kids together, Carrie Champion and I marry at the Knights of Columbus in Linden, New Jersey. Problem with that? F off. Oh, New Jersey. Problem with that? F off. Amid inevitable...

Oh, my God. Amid the inevitable racist, sexist, misogynist backlash, Lange played the It's Comedy folks card. Come on. Do people really think that that's not funny? Of course it's not funny. It's not funny to tweet jokes. It's about her beating him.

But how could you think it was serious? And he comes. And then I thought it would be funny to tweet jokes about the observation and decision, which might be the end of modern comedy. His comments were incomprehensible. Let's see what they said. And no one should be subjected to such hateful language, ESPN said in a statement. Per Sports Illustrated, they objectify and demean one of our valued employees under the thin guise of comedy and are offensive to all of us.

We will not dignify them with any other comment wow tricky question i would rather load trucks for a living than ever apologize for one of these awful to one of these awful pc groups ruining the country wow that is not that bad man what he said was just funny yeah i thought it was way worse than that i gotta take that seriously so my apologies extend a bigger group of people uh if that's true and it's because she's no liar i have to think okay i don't know what that means i hate that we have to cater to idiots but the thought of some women scared for her well-being because of a joke is something i can't stand. Okay.

Look, he was just trying to be funny. And that's something a guy would say to a guy. Like, if we were all hanging out. You know what I'd like to do to her? Yeah. Well, this is my fantasy. You know, I grab the whip and she beats me with it and I come like a fat founding father.

I mean, we would be laughing if he said that. I like the idea of him jerking off and they keep switching back to the two guys. Just as he's about to come, you see steven a anderson and uh you ever see that show no i've never seen it all they do is argue it's hilarious

he's fucking frustrated i mean he's funny it thought it was funny and he didn't mean that he wanted her to be a slave i mean he can't joke around i guess the disrespecting the jefferson plantation was a little hard but fucking christ he's just trying to be funny. That's it. I can't believe that's it. I thought it was going to be way worse than that one. We are at a weird stage in this society. We're at a weird stage where you can't fuck around anymore.

You can't say fucked up things anymore. Charles Barkley says that about, like, you know, he says stuff that white guys would get fired for in a second. And he's smart and he's right. Well, did you hear what Roy Jones Jr. called Hopkins this last fight? What? He was doing the intro. They were talking about Hopkins.

Hopkins is 49, almost 50. I know. He lost the other day, right? He lost. But he lost to one of the most dangerous fucking guys ever. And he was the only guy to last a distance with this guy. And he tagged the guy a few times. But the guy is very dangerous.

This Russian cat is fucking. He's he's really really really fucking good anyway roy jones jr is doing the intro and he said uh but he was talking about how clever hopkins is and he said that he's an old coon and what he means by that is like if you're especially like you're a southern boy like um roy jones jr is a southern man, I should say. Pardon me. Didn't mean boy. It's like, I don't want to get fired. But if you're used to being sort of a woodsy, backwoods kind of guy, raccoons are very clever.

Yeah, yeah. Old raccoons are especially clever. And you go coon hunting. I mean, it has nothing to do with black people. Right. I mean, Roy Jones is black. So he got away with saying that but could you imagine if like someone else like jim lampley who's doing the the thing with him if he said bernard hopkins is an old coon like holy shit would it come down

on him my god well you know what i got in fire today is look at that little monkey run yeah cassell he would have been out in a second. God. That's right. Howard Cassell said that. What fucking game was that? What game was that? I think it was the Colts. I think it was Joe Washington. I'm not...

It was a football... It was Monday Night Football. See if you could pull up the audio of that. There was a lot of exposure. I mean, the whole country heard it. What did they say? Was there a backlash? I think later, after a while. After a few years?

Yeah, but it wasn't an immediate. I mean, the Al Campanus thing was immediate, and the Jimmy DeGreek thing was immediate. I'm not aware of the Al Campanus. Al Campanus said that blacks don't have the necessities to be in management. And what Jimmy DeGreek said, and this is where Barclay cut in and said, because Barclay's a buddy of mine, and he was saying to me, he goes, you know, let's face it, people were slaves. They would buy the strongest slave.

You know, he said that's part of the sad reality of it, that when you're going to buy somebody, and it's so hideous, even the thought of it, and Charles said, you know, well, look, you're going to get Joe Buck, not Willie the Worm, you know, as far as a guy working. And that's what Jimmy DeGreek meant by it when he said they were bred for it. You just can't say shit like that when you're white. Yeah. If he was a black guy and he said the same thing, it would be very different.

Let's hear Cosell. Cosell. Wow. Iowa. That's the Redskins. This is not the right thing, Brian. Yeah, it's coming up. Really? Right here. Oh, here he is. But from the beginning, as we look at Nenzo's replay, Jacobs wanted to get this kid, and that little monkey gets loose, doesn't he?

He certainly does, as a matter of fact. Todd Ballas is kind of a double coverage. Wow, what a beautiful takedown defense. Well, you know what? That's a different one than I was thinking. It's good enough. No, yeah, I think it proves the point. Because the one I was thinking was Cassell says,

look, get that little monkey run. So he called people little monkeys more than once. Apparently. Kept his job. Was that Cassell then? Yeah. Yeah, that sounded like Cassell. Kept his fucking job, even though he's calling people monkeys.

It's weird times when it comes to jokes, at least. I mean, it's weird times when it comes to sports announcers, too. A lot of those guys get in trouble for a lot of shit. You know? Yeah. So a lot of things to sports announcers too a lot of those guys get in trouble for a lot of shit you know a lot so a lot of things like oh yeah sports announcers they get fucking fired for anything that's even remotely controversial like look buddy we got a fucking hundred dudes waiting behind the line here as soon as you fuck up we got another guy who can talk like this it's not that hard bottom of the fourth 19th they can say a bunch of shit in that sort of sports guy tone. All they have to do is be really knowledgeable about sports.

There's a lot of those guys out there. Oh, yeah. I mean, how many fucking guys sit at home and they watch like Monday Night Football and they're like, I can fucking do that. I know as much or more about fucking football. Look how easy it was for Dennis Miller. It didn't really work out. No, I'm kidding.

He was horrible. Well, he was trying to write jokes. Well, not only that. Look, I like Dennis personally, and I think he's really work out. No, I'm kidding. It was horrible. Well, he was trying to write jokes. Well, not only that. Look, I like Dennis personally, and I think he's really brilliant in some ways, but he's not right for football. He was making references like, you guys are sitting in a bar in Pittsburgh. He's making references about the Tigris and Euphrates rivers and about the Rosetta Stone. And they don't go, what the fuck is he talking about?

He had some good lines. He had some good lines. Somebody posted them up the other night. They were not Monday Night Football lines. No, no. they were good stand-up lines yeah very good well i think the idea was they were just going to try to do something new and is miller a football fan you're very big football big steelers fan you got to be a football fan like if you're going to be a football fan and do commentary though you got to know everything about so many fucking teams i mean think about how many people how many people are on a football fan like if you're going to be a football fan and do commentary though you got to know everything about so many fucking teams i mean think about how many people how many people are on a football team well 11 11 play at once 11 play and then backups 11 11 about about 40 50

40 50 like that make the final cut so you kind of have to have some knowledge on almost everybody on the team and how many teams you have uh was 32, I don't know. Jesus fucking Christ. That's a lot of people you've got to remember. Oh, it is. But, you know, you really have to remember the main guys. And can you always see? You have charts right in front of you telling you. Because you couldn't possibly keep up with it.

Because football is so different than other sports. Injuries are a major factor. And you can start off on an offensive line and by the end of the year have a completely different offensive line. Because they all get hurt. The UFC has a big problem with that, too. I'm sure they do. Huge injury problem. This upcoming one in Mexico City this weekend was supposed to be Cain Velasquez versus Fabrizio Verdun, but Cain just tore his knee.

And Cain has only fought, I think, two times in the last three years. I might be incorrect about that, but it's close. Are you doing the fight? Yeah. But the replacement is Mark Hunt. So Mark Hunt came in. Now he's going to be fighting Fabricio Verdum. It's because of the injury.

Yeah. And then there was another fight on the card where Diego Sanchez is supposed to be fighting Joe Lozon. And both of those guys get injured, both of them. So they had to cancel that fight as well. See, that sucks. That's only one guy. Yeah. And that guy would be comparable only one guy. Yeah.

And that guy would be comparable to a quarterback in football because without the quarterback, you're hurting. More so because you could have a backup quarterback, but you can't have a backup heavyweight champion. Kane's the champion. Yeah. So what they're going to do is they're going to fight for the interim title because of the fact that Kane has been getting injured so much. Fabrizio Verdum and Mark Hunt will fight.

And the winner will be the interim heavyweight champion. And then once Kane is healed up, if he can fight again. And when I say if, I say it because he's been injured so many times. He's had two shoulder surgeries. He's had at least one knee surgery. This is at least one. But I think he might have had another one in the past. Because he hurt his knee before he fought fought um junior dos santos the first time and lost he got knocked

out and one of the reasons why he got knocked out he couldn't move right his knee was pretty fucked up i mean there's a video of him injuring it in training it's like these guys some of these guys they go so hard in training that their body just can't keep up i love the way the announcers are so blase and nonchalant about it. There was this guy named Drew Bledsoe. I think his spleen was ruptured, and he's having internal bleeding, and they're acting like, well, we don't know if he'll be back next week. If it was you, you'd go, my spleen is bleeding.

Can you imagine you break your spleen, it bleeds into your body cavity, they have to drain it out, I guess? Well, I don't know. Let your body absorb it? What happens? Brian should know. Yeah. Dr. Brian thinks.

Joe, did you say, do you remember when Joe Seisman broke his leg? I remember hearing about it. Okay. It was so fucking amazing. Because the guy, the guy who, Lawrence Taylor, one of the best football players ever, turned in from a warrior to a little kid, like scared. He looked at him, and he saw the bone coming out of his ankle, and he just went crazy to get him help. It was so brutal. Yeah, injuries like that are scary.

I've seen them a few times in MMA, breaks. I've seen two guys break their arm, two guys break their leg, like break, snap, and half, which is pretty amazing when you consider how many fights I've seen. I've probably seen, it's probably close to 1,500 fights. At the very least, it's well over 1,000. And two times I've seen a guy throw a leg kick and get checked, which check means is you lift your leg up so that when he kicks you, instead of kicking the meat of your thigh, he actually hits your knee or your upper shin bone and it a lot of times can

really damage the prone's leg and on rare occasions it causes the leg to break they do it on purpose yeah yeah yeah they check it because if you uh someone's kicking you say if you're standing up and you're fighting and someone kicks your legs the shin bone slams into the the meat of your leg and it instantly bruises and not only that a lot of times it'll cause hemorrhaging inside internal hemorrhaging because you're a shin bone especially when properly delivered is it might as well be like a baseball bat you're just slamming it in and you think about all the power that you have in your thighs and your hips and your body weight you're carrying around your weight all day right you're you can run upstairs i mean you can't do shit with your arms i mean imagine if you had to

walk everywhere in your hands god you'd fucking be tired instantly so you got amazing power in your legs right and then you're using that to swing your fucking shin around this big heavy bone that carries your weight around all day and he does slam that right into the meat of someone's leg it's so fucking painful and sometimes guys get hit there two three times and in order to stop that you check it so you lift your leg up and as the guy's swinging you lift your leg up like this and his shin slams into your knee or slams into the bone right below your knee which is considerably thicker than the middle of your shin, which is where you usually make impact, or the lower shin especially.

And sometimes guys' legs just break. So they throw a kick and it hits the shin. It just goes crank. It just hangs loose. You've seen that live? I've seen it live twice. Well, I've seen it on television once, at least once as well. I've seen it many times on YouTube videos.

I mean, it's probably happened dozens of times but big fighters like pele who's a famous valley tudor fighter he was fighting a guy threw a leg kick his leg snapped anderson silva a guy named cory hill i know anderson silva was a bad one that was an ugly one uh cory hill's another one cory hill was scary because the fucking referee didn't know what happened. I saw it and I was screaming, like, stop the fight. You got to stop the fight. Because, like, the referee didn't see it. Because sometimes the referee's looking at a fight and a fighter throws a kick and the referee's concentrating on one area.

You know, like maybe where punches are landing. And sometimes they miss stuff. Just human nature. And the guy who was fighting recognized it. But Corey was down and his leg was all twisted up and the referee hadn't seen it yet. But the guy who was fighting just backed off? Yeah, he recognized it. That was cool.

Yeah. Same thing with like Weidman. When Weidman broke Anderson's leg, he backed off too. I mean, he didn't follow him to the ground, try to finish him off. When you see that, the leg go limp like that, you know all this fight's over like nobody ever thinks they're not gonna stop it you know and once i seen in kickboxing too really recently high level kickboxing this guy tyrone spong he threw this fucking devastating he throws devastating leg kicks and he's fighting this guy gokan saki who's another bad motherfucker and gokan checked it his leg just went crank just bent around it oh

it's awful to watch you never seen that happen before you wanna watch one I've seen it not in a fight I've seen it in basketball pull up

do you ever see the Anderson Silva one uh no you wanna see it yeah okay pull up Anderson Silva's

leg break you know I was there and you invited me to the Palm when we were watching remember that night yeah those are some of the best ones to watch

and uh this kid got knocked out and I was sitting next to his mother and sister that was interesting to the palm when we were watching. Remember that night we had the love dinner? Yeah, those are some of the best ones to watch. And this kid got knocked out, and I was sitting next to his mother and sister. That was interesting. I mean, I love the adventure. I love watching that now, now that I've watched enough of your fights. But it's amazing. It's amazing the fucking balls these guys have.

It's a crazy way to live your life. They're fearless, man. It's definitely a wild, dangerous way to live your life you know it takes uh incredible courage and also you're knowing like you can't do this forever yeah you gotta oh yeah there's something that scares the shit out of us about breaking bones you know same thing snap like that i love when people say comedy it's gotta be the hardest thing in the world watch that fight yeah fighting is way harder than comedy yeah anybody who says that comedy is harder has never done both trust me fighting is way harder especially that kind of fighting what's your favorite thing taekwondo uh to do no kickboxing once you started doing kickboxing

but i as a martial art to practice i like jujitsu because there's no head trauma. Oh. The real problem, I mean, there's occasional head trauma, but it's not the goal. The real problem with striking sports is, especially if you're in a bad gym or a gym that's like overly competitive or overly aggressive or it's not coached properly, people have to be super acutely aware of the damages of head trauma. It's a giant issue i mean in fact i'm having a guy on my podcast on wednesday uh dr mark gordon who's been on before who's actually an expert in uh traumatic brain injury and and treating it treating it with so for soldiers and football players uh fighters all sorts of different things but it's a giant giant issue i remember when dooku kim was uh was hit by ray mancini. Ray's an old friend and he was telling me

it really changed his career. But the guy shouldn't have been fighting. He was hemorrhaging before he got in the ring. Was he? That's what they said. Could be. Could be that he was beaten up in training and he developed an injury. He should have never fought.

It's hard to tell when an injury actually takes place for a boxer because they're always getting injured. Same with an MMA fighter. Your goal while training is to injure each other. So you're constantly getting your head snapped back. You're constantly getting hit to the body. There's many, many times where MMA fighters fight where they're really fucked up before they get into the octagon.

Sure. In fact, a guy named Ryan Ford, he just fought in a World Series of Fighting. He fought with a fucking broken arm. They just suspended him for six months because they found out his arm was, because he made a video showing that his arm was broken before the fight. They showed the x-ray, and he went out there and fought Jake Shields, who's one of the best jiu-jitsu guys in the sport, and he got choked out. What did he expect to gain from the video?

He needed the money. I think the video, he just wanted to show everybody like you like how tough he is and how how tough this sport is and then sometimes you got to feed your family and they don't pay you to just fucking you know sorry i broke my my arm i can't fight you're not getting paid you want to get that full salary you got to fight so he fought fought with a broken arm just tried to knock him out with kicks and throw punches with his left my father was a professional boxer wasn't really do you remember that vaguely because he left when i was seven so you know but i remember vaguely um him coming home all beaten up and he had won oh you know what i mean you know his eyes are bleeding and his nose and everything's swollen

and because he was a 500 fighter 500 if you hit 500 in baseball you're the greatest player that ever lived 500 boxes yeah yeah you know you're a palooka you're also probably not managed well you know they're not setting you up with the right guys that's the tricky thing about fighting is they realize when you're when you're promoting a boxer especially. The goal is to get the guy undefeated and have him challenged for the title and give him the opportunity to slowly learn. Like if you're in the best case scenario, if you've got a guy like Acosta Motto trains you

and he's giving you all this fight philosophy and this way of thinking about life that's going to empower you and then he slowly builds you up by giving you quality opponents. First guys who you're definitely going to beat, then a little bit better, a little bit better, a little bit better, fight for the title. Like, that's what they did with Tyson. That's what I was going to say.

It was Tyson, yeah. Now, I talked to Angelo Dundee. Remember him? Yeah, sure. You're blowing it, kid! Remember that? Yeah. Sure, Ray Leonard.

Oh, is that what? That's Thomas Hearns. He said, I asked him, I said, who's the baddest of all of them? Like, all the guys that you were, who do you think was the toughest? Liston. Sonny Liston. He said Liston could beat any of them in a fight. They were all afraid of him. His problem was drugs and connections, bad connections, bad lifestyle.

Wow. Yeah, but he said, you know, because out of the ring is so much different in the ring. I mean, you know, Foreman out of the ring must have been a tough motherfucker. Yeah, but he said, you know, because out of the ring is so much different in the ring. I mean, you know, Foreman out of the ring must have been a tough motherfucker. Yeah. With those big punches of his. I mean, Ali was more of a smart guy and dancer and, you know, great. But anyway. Did you ever see Sonny Liston versus Floyd Patterson?

Yeah. Fuck. That shows you what a murderous fucking. Pull that up, man. I haven't seen that in forever. That's Floyd Patterson versus Sonny Liston. This was when Floyd Patterson was a heavyweight champion in the world. Everybody liked him.

He was very polite and well-dressed. And everyone was scared of Sonny Liston. Because Sonny Liston was this fucking thug. This thug that was a murderous puncher. Well, nobody will ever convince me that the second fight was... That was a total dive. Total dive. Yeah, Muhammad Ali.

Phantom punch, yeah. From Lewiston, Maine. Phantom my ass. Look at this. Much has been written about this fight, but perhaps one thing hasn't been. Patterson and Dog Trunks came to fight, but crossed up all the pre-fight predictions by carrying the fight to the challenger. So Patterson's running after Sonny Liston, but Sonny Liston's so thick.

For a guy with no steroids. Oh. Big punch. Damn, he was big. Look how big he was. When you think about the fact there was no steroids back then. And boxers didn't even lift weights. Imagine that.

Heavy weights Without lifting weights Yeah I'm gonna start doing Commentary like that Real obvious shit Very quick for a big man I love the sound Of the roar

It's fake Oh it is Totally fake Is it really Yeah Commentary's fake too The commentary's all done After the fact.

Oh, man. It's a good fight, though. Floyd Patterson did a lot of bobbing and weaving. The problem was he just couldn't hit hard the way Liston could. Liston was just a one-punch murderous puncher. Ooh, hard jab. God damn, he had a jab. Oh, that left.

Oh, Jesus. Patterson, he had a jab. Oh, that left. Oh, Jesus. Patterson can take it, though. You got to give him that, man. He's getting bombed on. Hook to the body. Damn. It's interesting. Like, Liston looked really fucking good in this fight.

But what Ali did with him was movement. Movement and just peppered him from the outside. And fucked him up. God damn though. Liston's hitting so hard. Yeah, he definitely fucked with his head. Oh, he's hurt. Plugged Patterson's trouble.

Boom, boom, boom. Oh my God. He was going down when he got hit with that left hook too. Yeah, he was already out. And he's going to get up now. Does he get up? Yeah up yeah yeah he gets up sonny liston knocks out floyd patterson in one round to become the 21st heavyweight champion of the world if they fought again i think yeah that's the second fight that was the second fight that was the first that was the first fight? No, that was the first. That was the first fight? It was the second one. He was a bad motherfucker.

Yeah. Sonny Liston was a bad motherfucker. But Ali just boxed circles around him. Never let him hit him. Popped him in the face over and over again. And he made him quit on a stool, didn't he? I think he was a no-moss guy. Yeah.

I think he quit on a stool. I think he had a fucked up shoulder going into that fight, too. But, you know, back... Look, all fighters get injured today. But back then they really got fucking injured nobody knew what anything there was no mris they wouldn't fix shoulders like if you tore some shit in your shoulder that's it you got a torn shoulder that's just this is the second fight yeah the second fight just jumped on look how fucking big liston is god damn boom boom booms clubbing him oh my god he throws haymakers

what fucking leverage he gets into these punches jesus christ i'm impressed with floyd patterson this is the one that i remember he gets up here flo here. Floyd Patterson's ability to take a punch is amazing. Because he's getting hit with fucking bone rattling punches. He looks like a light heavyweight, too. He's really marginal. Oh, another hard right hand. He's down. Wow.

Fucking scary shit, man. Floyd Patterson. Tough guy. And he was, Customato was his trainer as well. Customato trained him. now they're hugging. I never saw anybody in still fear like Tyson did, though. Tyson would have fucked him up. Tyson would have fucked up Sonny Liston, I think.

I was at the Spinks fight, Michael Spinks in Atlantic City, and he looked like Upjump the Devil. He was so fucking scary looking. He was terrifying back then. And you could see it in Spinks. You ever see a comedian who you know is not going to have a good set? You see him a little shaky? That's the way he was before.

I think it was like 73 seconds or something that lasted. I remember when he was walking into the ring, people were saying, go get him, Mike, go get him, Mike. And he was like, I'm going to do my best. I'm going to do my best. That is the last shit you should be saying saying i'll try to fight mike tyson and then when buster douglas fought him that was such an interesting fight because no one gave buster douglas a chance he was a 42 to 1 underdog but it was like the perfect storm of things came together it's like

tyson had been you know slacking off yeah yeah just making fucking ungodly sums of money and banging chicks and having the, just living this life of fantasy. Buying tigers, what everybody needs. He just didn't have the discipline anymore like he did when he was with Customato. I don't even think he was, he wasn't even with Kevin Rooney anymore at the time, who was also a discipline,

or a disciple rather of Customato. So he was with some guys way down the line, guys who knew Kevin Rooney. And then he just lost whatever... I mean, I don't think anybody can maintain that forever. No. You know, I did them one night at the Improv. I knew he was in the audience, right? But he didn't know I knew.

So in the middle of my set, I just start talking about Tyson and what a good man he was. All total bullshit, right? Comes up to me and goes, I gotta thank you for saying that. That was very nice of you. I said, Mike, I didn't know you were here. That's crazy.

That's ridiculous. Did you make it funny? Yeah, but yeah, definitely funny. No, no, half and half. You know, a mixture. He was an event. Like, you'd watch his fights. They were an event.

Plus, everybody got a party together. They didn't know if it was going to last for a round. Remember, he was just killing guys. That's why the Buster Douglas fight was so crazy. It was the first time anybody had ever beaten him. And everybody was like, I can't believe this is happening. To see him down, that was like killing the bully. Well, when Evander Holyfield beat him, it was almost more impressive.

Because when Holyfield beat him, it was post-prison, right? Didn't he? Yeah. Yeah. He got into prison and started smashing dudes again. Then he fought Holyfield. And he went after Holyfield in that first round, too. I watched that fight with Kevin James.

And I remember we were going crazy. Was that the one where he bit the ear? No, that was the second fight. Oh, the second one. Second fight. That was when he knew he was gonna lose again yeah bad sport i'll say with you yeah yeah right uh yeah he was a fucking wild dude man i mean and also the just getting out of prison shit did you see his one-man show i heard heard it's amazing. It's pretty cool.

I heard it's incredible. Tyson-Holyfield fights, yeah. So it was in 94. That's a little before my time. Okay, 96. 96. Tyson faced Holyfield in a title bout dubbed Finally. Surprising turn of events,

Holyfield was given virtually no chance to win by numerous commentators, defeated Tyson by TKO. Wow. Referee Mitch Halpern who uh committed suicide pretty sure yep and he's not around anymore yeah he committed suicide at age 33 yeah that was a those those moments when you get a guy like a tyson and a holy field when they get to fight yeah those are like markers in your life yeah you look back and you think back in them as they weren't just boxing matches those are like like pinpoint markers where you can look back and you go wow i remember that i remember the duran no mas thing yeah one of the most famous things i remember when that was a big one, man. That was a big one. Sugar Ray was like the later Ali in that time, you know? Yeah.

Yeah, that was crazy. And it was also after Duran had beaten him in the first fight, and he fought Duran's kind of fight. He went mano a mano with Duran. Yeah. Stood in the pocket with him, exchanging bombs with him, and Duran beat him, and then Duran was like spitting on him and shit and said crazy shit to him fuck you called his wife a whore like duran was a fucking maniac yeah like back

then when he was a champ but then same thing after he won the title got crazy got fat remember they said he drank like a fucking gallon of orange juice and ate a steak like after the weigh-ins because they used to weigh in the same day of the fights and he was fat so he didn't really make the weight very good yeah and then it also could be that someone probably fucking paid him to lose that's possible too it's kind of weak in you though yeah starvation and then and then gluttonous behavior right after that oh it definitely does i mean i think there's um there's a big push in this country today to get people to stop cutting weight but i don't know how the fuck they're going to do it there's many doctors have talked about the dangers of dehydration and rehydration and then combat sports you know it's boxing they they

you know after ducku kim they started doing the weigh-ins the day before and they also changed it to i think it was after ducku kim but i know i know they definitely changed it to uh 12 rounds he used to be 15 rounds and i believe doku kim died in 13th round and i think they said that's uh that's enough like this is these are too many rounds these guys are fighting i mean that's in the old days like the jack dempsey days they'd go fucking 20 30 rounds i mean they're like jack johnson i mean they went crazy rounds back then they They had really long fights. And little tiny gloves, too. The Corbets are at it again. Ha! Who was that?

John L. Sullivan. Yeah, those guys would fight, like, let me see how many rounds. John L. Sullivan. I think they used to fight, like, as many rounds as they could stay up. Really? I don't think they had an ending to it. Really? That sounds so crazy.

Like, you just guarantee that a guy's going to win. That one guy's going to win and one guy's going to lose by knockout. Fucking crazy. John L. Sullivan. Here's a funny expression. I can lick any man in the room. As long as he's clean. What the fuck?

As long as he practices good hygiene. How did that ever? I mean, it meant the same thing. That's what my nuns used to say. Get that pussy from between my legs. They were talking about... That was a heavyweight champion. Holy shit. He's got no definition.

Pull up a picture of John L. Sullivan from Wikipedia. It's kind of fascinating. Put your dukes up. The 1880s. They used to call him the Boston Strongboy. I actually have one of those Roots of Fight shirts with John L. They used to call him the Boston Strongboy. I actually have one of those Roots of Fight shirts with John L. Sullivan on it. It says Boston Strongboy. Crazy.

It's weird when you look at people from that era and you consider that was him. Look at that. What a fucking groovy mustache. Mustache wax. Wouldn't you love to go back in time and hang out with John L. Sullivan when he was the fucking heavyweight champion of the world? Yeah. Can you imagine some of the old school pussy that guy got? Old school pussy.

Can you imagine what it must have been like? Just a funny saying on its own. In Sullivan's era, no formal boxing titles existed. He became a champion after defeating Patty Ryan in Mississippi City near Gulfport, Mississippi on February 7th, 1882. Modern authorities have retroactively labeled Ryan

the heavyweight champion of America, but any claim to Ryan being a world champion would have been dubious. He had never contended internationally as Sullivan had. I could lick Patty Ryan. Isn't that crazy? Sullivan was first considered the world heavyweight champion after either 1888 when he fought Charlie Mitchell in France

or the following year when he knocked out Jake Kilrain in a... Ready for this? Round 75. See, I told you. Wow.

I'm telling you. Of a scheduled 80 round... Oh, they had a schedule? They had a schedule. I didn't even know they had an end to it. How the fuck? Round 75. That hurts my head.

How long was each round, though? Was each round like two seconds? No, no. I think it was three minutes. I think it was just like it is today. Fucking A. What is that in time? What is that in...? What is that in...

What the fuck is 75 times three? An hour and a half, two hours? 225 minutes. So it's... Oh my God, that's insane. What do they think, they're doing a podcast? That's insane. Can you imagine a bare knuckle boxing a guy for three hours?

Who is this? It says John Sullivan versus Kilran. They even had cameras back then? They could take a stop motion photograph? Look at the fucking ring. The ring is a rope that's like super loose around these guys that are standing on dirt. And the people that are watching are just standing right outside the ring. Like all of them like smashed up against the ring.

Look at this. That is so weird. That was the heavyweight title in 1880. 1888. God damn. Mitchell came from Birmingham, England and fought Sullivan in 1888, knocking him down in the first round.

He knocked Sullivan down. Imagine if he did that the next MMA fight you did. I'd get fired. People would go, you fucking stoner loser. You thought that was funny? Fucked up my UFC party. Their third meeting took place. Their third meeting took place in 1888 on the grounds of the Chateau de Chantilly.

Chantilly, France. In the driving rain. Wow, France, in the driving rain. Wow, they fought in the driving rain. It went on for more than two hours, at the end of which both men were unrecognizable and had suffered much loss of blood. Neither could lift his arms to punch, and the contest was considered a draw.

Holy fuck! Wow! Imagine after all that, you tie. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. So the French armed forces came in and arrested Mitchell. They called it Gendarmerie. Gendarmerie arrived at this point and managed to arrest Mitchell, who spent the next few days in a cell and was later fined by the local magistrate.

Can you imagine? You get the fuck beat out of you. And then they go to jail? And then you go to jail right away. You didn't even have a hospital visit. Jeez. Boxing being illegal in France at the time. Oh, it was illegal, those fucking socialists.

at the time oh it was illegal those fucking socialists sullivan managed to evade the law swathed in bandages and was taken across back to the english channel to spend the next few weeks convalescing in liverpool so mitchell convalesced in a fucking cell and john l sullivan went across the river in liverpool and it was illegal that's incredible wow that's amazing that would be something i would be really interested if like if you could have a time machine when you could go back in time and see some things that would be fucking that would be at the top of my list to go back to like the heavyweight title look how fat he got in 1898. Look how fat he was. Look at that same Wikipedia, Brian.

Pull up that picture. Looks like he's got like long johns on. Yeah, they used to fight with tights on and shit. But he looked totally different. He looked like a completely different guy. Like the picture of him in his prime and then the picture of him 10 years later. Like he's got a big belly and everything the picture at the top when he's in his prime he looked fucking great this is uh all right here no there's

a there's another one but the one the first one the top one he's real lean and that's when he's in his prime during the 1880s but if scroll down, past that one that you just saw, all the way down to the bottom, it says retirement. Sullivan retired to Abington, but appeared in several exhibitions over the next 12 years, including a three-rounder against Tom Sharkey and a final two-rounder against Jim McCormick in 1905 in Grand Rapids, Michigan. There's a lot of Irish guys back then.

Look how fat he is, though. Holy shit, he's out of shape. He continued his various careers outside boxing, such as stage actor, speaker, celebrity baseball umpire, sports reporter, and bar owner. Overweight and unhealthy from a long life of overindulging in food and drinks, as well as from the effects of prize fighting. Sullivan died at age 59 and is buried in Old Caverly Cemetery in Mattapan,

now a neighborhood of Boston. Wow, Mattapan. I had friends that lived in Mattapan. Mattapan was a shrew. He died with barely $10 in his pocket. Fuck, man. That's rough. But I bet back in the time when he's getting that old school pussy

that was all worth it that was ten dollars in his pocket a hundred thousand dollars in his hat here's where it gets really crazy he was only five foot ten wow people were small back tyson's height no tyson's a little taller than that he is yeah he's uh five and eleven and a half like almost six feet tall but um obviously obviously Mike Tyson was far bigger. They don't have his weight here because they don't really probably know. He always looked short boxing, though, because he used to box his. Yeah, well, he was definitely short in comparison to the fighters he was fighting against. I mean, that's one of the things that helped his style was that bobbing style.

He'd come in underneath. He was so hard to deal with, and he would get inside and just bang, bang. You've got to shut your fucking phone off, buddy. Sorry. It keeps dinging, too. Does it really? Yeah, it keeps dinging every time you get a message. You haven't heard it?

No. I got these headphones on. But your microphone's picking it up. That's how I'm hearing it. It's going ding. What is John L. Sullivan's weight? Let's see. What the fuck is his weight?

I bet. 189. Well, Marciano, maybe, right? Marciano was like in the 80s, 180s, and he was the heavyweight champion of the world. Yeah. Weight. Okay. 212 pounds.

Wow. Maybe that's towards the end of his career. He didn't look that big. Maybe he was, though. Maybe he was like super thick. It says 212, but I don't know when. You know what I mean? Like, have you seen him when he's fat maybe it changed and went up and down okay he weighed 190 it says hmm that's what we said yeah i guess there's uh some dispute some places say 210 some places say

190 oh okay sullivan's weight it ballooned from a 240 flabby pounds that's how fat he was he got as high as 240 pounds but uh i'm pretty sure rocky marciano was like 180 or something like that which is really hard for people to believe you know because he's like the guy when you're talking about white people that were like great heavyweight boxers. 49 and 0. Yeah. He was 5'11". I don't think that's true. I think he was shorter than that. And he was, it says 188 pounds. He might have been.

I mean, it's Wikipedia. They probably know more than me. How much do you weigh? 200 pounds. But I'm fat. You want a piece of this? Nope. You sure?

I'm older. I'm older than you, so I could probably beat you. And I don't think he, he obviously he wasn't weighing in you know i mean he didn't have to i mean he didn't have to like make a weight class you know i'm saying like he didn't have to lose weight so that 188 pounds that was like a legit 188 pounds so when you think about it he's like much smaller than the middleweight champion chris weidman because weidman fucking struggles to get down to 185 pounds for the ufc that's got to be weird struggles and he's the middleweight champion do they have a limitless one in the ufc nope they have no limitless one well there is a super

heavyweight division but the ufc doesn't currently have any fighters that are uh that compete as super heavyweights there's not that much talent over 265. There's a few guys that could have been over 265, like Brock Lesnar and Tom Erickson at one point in time was a big fucking natural 300 pounds. He was a fucking huge guy. He came around a little too early, though. They called him the Big Cat,

and he was this fucking awesome wrestler who just moved like a cat he was this big fucking guy and uh would smash people mean fucking smash people he was so big and he was a wrestler but he was like a natural 290 he could have fought as a super heavyweight in the ufc probably would have had a hard time making 265 but the other guys who were 265 are usually overweight you know it's usually one of two things either they're doing some artificial things to their body that gets them that big or they're overweight those are the two things like mark hunt the guy was fighting for the title this weekend he has to cut weight to get down to 265 but he's a little fat it's a bad mother the average football players have gone up a lot over the last 20 years.

The average offensive line now is like 300 pounds. Jesus Christ. Yeah. 300-pound men. And they're fast. Well, there was a guy who was an Olympic wrestler or Olympic weightlifter that's now a WWE guy, Mark Henry. You know who he is? When he was 21, he was 408 pounds.

Wow. Power lifter. Happy birthday, honey. 408. What a big fucking dude. There's some big fucking humans out there, like those Iceland guys that are like the strong men dudes. Oh, yeah. They just pull a train and...

Carrying stone globes. Yeah. All bodies are not created equally no not at all no not fucking not not at all tell that to beyonce baby yeah that's what i'm saying like 265 in the in the ufc being the cutoff is kind of interesting because you got to think man if there was a super heavyweight like an Andrew Carellon type guy that came around that was like 300 plus pounds of like super athlete, like, you know,

who the fuck's going to beat that guy? I wonder what Butterbean was. He was way over that. Yeah. Probably way into the threes. Yeah. You know? He hit pretty hard though.

Mm-hmm. King of the four rounders. That's what he was. Was he? He fought four round fights because he was fat. Really? Yeah. That's funny. Yeah, they call him the king of the four rounders. That's what he was. Was he? He fought four round fights because he was fat. Really? Yeah.

That's funny. Yeah, they call him the king of the four rounders. I like to do 15 minutes instead of an hour because I'm fat. Yeah, I wonder how much do you think you weighed

if you had to guess? 3. 3.30. 3.40. What about her being the boxer? 3.46. Is it? That's what you think?

No, that's what I'm thinking. Okay. I'm saying 400 pounds. Let's see. Where's the Wikipediaikipedia eric esch 420 holy shit wow that's what his name was eric esch yeah eric esch when did when did he die oh he didn't die still alive he's a big fucking guy it's sad just because you didn't hear him you think he's dead yeah he's he's 48 years old. He's still alive.

5'11". 420 pounds. Damn. You know, he lost an MMA fight to Genki Sudo. And Genki Sudo, boy, I think Genki was like 155 at the time, which is really crazy. Genki was not a big guy. How much was he? 155, and he was 420.

Holy shit. Yeah, they fought in japan japan had uh a lot of like really crazy fights they would put on they would put on these fights that were just like they were like freak shows like they were trying to do one recently with this woman um uh gabby uh fuck i forget her last name look it up. She's enormous. I mean, enormous. Yeah, Gabby Garcia. And she's probably like 220, you know, like legitimately 220 pounds. And they were going to have her fight this Japanese chick who was 135 pounds.

And she, to her credit, passed. She said, I don't want to fight some 135-pound girl. Is she afraid she'd kill her? Yeah, well, it's her first MMA fight. She's a jiu-jitsu world champion. I mean, she's a fucking beast. All due respect. But all due respect.

All due respect. I don't like calling women beasts. Not for nothing. So you can call Ronda Rousey a beast because she's so pretty. You know what I mean? You can get away with it. Yeah. But if you call someone who's not as pretty and 225 pounds a beast, people are going to get a little edgy. Get a little edgy.

A little touchy with you, Dom. But I appreciate the fact that she said no to that fight, though. Yeah. I think that's classy. Well, it just shows that she's aware of how people perceive it. And I bet she probably got some good advice from her instructors and trainers and stuff. They're like, look, Gabby, you're going to be a badass bitch be a badass bitch yeah running the world the way you run look at the size of her that's her training with marcelo garcia who's one of the best jujitsu guys in the world

uh and there's a video of them rolling you get to see how enormous she is because marcelo is only like a buck 70 um she slimmed down though see if you can find a picture of Gabby Garcia slim Because she lost a shit load of weight And I think probably that's getting ready to fight in MMA Look at her now Jesus Good lord Wow

Good lord Good lord I would tear that up in bed Would you? I would tear it up I would tear that up Would you allow her to get on top of you? I don't even know what that means I don't even know what that means I'd tear it up? I would tear that up. Would you allow her to get on top of you? I don't even know what that means.

I don't even know what that means. I'd tear it up, baby. It means you would kill it. Yeah. You would do it like you would do a fucking late night set at the store. I only got one and a half loads a day left. That's it? Well, I have to, you know, build.

I have to build now. One and a half a day. What are you eating? You ever try like egg whites or something like that? Yeah, of course. Yeah? Does that help? I don't know.

I read that somewhere. There's an image of her. There's one image of her that they've been putting on MMA websites. She's lost a lot more weight. It looks pretty good. People say she's looking good. and looks pretty good. People saying she's looking good.

But yeah, she, I guess the difference between jujitsu being that she's, you know, in jujitsu, she's just gonna grab a hold of chicks and smash them. Just get on top of them and submit them. Yeah, there she is right there.

Looking pretty slim. Jeez. Looking better. Uh-huh. Taking selfies, okay? Letting bitches know. But she could get away with shit in jiu-jitsu

where there's no striking. But now, now she's got to deal with speed. She's got to deal with chicks that can stand up and just blitz her and throw a bunch of crazy punches at her and she doesn't want to get caught.

So she's probably slimming down for that. Plus, I think she has to make a weight class. I think you're not allowed to be over a certain weight. Or if you were, it'd be really tough to get fights. Who's the best female fighter? Ronda Rousey, by far. Greatest ever.

Of all time. No one's even close. The only person that is close as far as accomplishments is Chris Cyborg. But the issue between that is that Chris Cyborg, first of all, has been popped for steroids. She got caught, and she looked like she was on steroids. I mean, she's one of the scariest women of all time. Like, she's built like a fucking pit bull. Like, Vandelay Silva, just fucking rawr.

And she's really talented. Like, as far as being a striker, fucking dangerous, dangerous striker. And tough as shit. She actually recently had a kickboxing fight with this woman who's, like, one of the best kickboxers in the world. And got cracked and still managed to go the distance with... Damn, Christina. What the fuck is her name? Let me pull up this chick's name.

I forget the chick's name that she fought but um the woman she fought was like a really high level kickboxer who was really having a hard time getting fights and because um because she was having a hard time getting fights she took it joey jorina jorina bars that's her name and uh it was a muay Thai fight. And she took a fight against this chick on her third fight. And Bars, I think, has like 30 fights at least. And is like one of the most ducked kickboxers ever. She's a really fucking talented kickboxer. Yeah, let me kickbox her records.

That says three wins. Maybe I'm wrong. I know she was having a hard time getting fights man maybe it's amateur fights as well yeah that's what it is kickboxing record 38 wins uh 38 fights 35 wins three losses fuck that's crazy she's a badass bitch though that's my point and chris cyborg and her went to war, and she dropped Cyborg. What are you drawing pictures of? You got to pee? Yeah. Is that what that says? Uh-huh. Jesus Christ, we're getting handwriting. That's terrifying. May I be excused?

Please, go do your pee-pees. Remember that, was it the Dirty Rotten Rascals or something? You got to pee, too, or are you drawing dicks? No, I'm just drawing dicks. Remember Steve Martin and Dirty's Rotten Scoundrels? What happened? Michael Caine. He's sitting there.

He goes, may I be excused? I don't remember that. He goes, yes, you may. And he's just here and peeing at the table. He goes, thank you. I'll be right back. Okay. I don't remember that at all.

I wouldn't make it up. We're going to talk about you while you're gone, so hurry up. Say something nice. Plug my bananas date. When are you in bananas? The weekend before Thanksgiving. Which one? Poughkeepsie?

No. Jersey? Hasbro Kites. Okay. They want me to get you to come there. Good luck with that. I said set up an arena next door where we could do both. Excuse me.

All right. We'll see you in a minute. Anyway, as far as victories, though, Ronda Rousey, the most spectacular victories. Chris Heiberg beat some chicks up and fucked them up, but what Ronda's done to chicks, like what she did to Sarah McMahon, what she did to Misha Tate twice, she's just on a totally different level. She's a monster. Do you think there's anyone that she has to look out for in the future?

Is there anyone even close to being in her same kind of level? Not yet. It's possible that someone come up, like some judo black belt or jiu-jitsu black belt will come along and offer her a big challenge. And Cyborg, if she can make 135, but Cyborg fights at 145, and apparently she talked to some doctors, and they advised her against going down to 135, but she wants to try to do it. She was supposed to do it December 5th in VICTA, which is this new organization that you can get on UFC Fight Pass. It's an all-women's fighting organization. It's a great building ground for the UFC and all the elite of the elite of the female fighters.

They fight over there, and it's got more weight classes. Now, the UFC finally has two weight weight classes and they'll eventually have three for the women and um so they fight over there and she was supposed to fight for the first time at 135 in december but she fucked up her knee so she's out and so she's gonna have to fight i think at least once if not twice at 135 just to prove that she can make the weight and that she can compete at that weight class before they'll give her a shot at Ronda Rousey. But that would be the greatest female fight of all time, as far as the hype between Cyborg and Ronda Rousey, and the controversy, because when Cyborg was on the sauce. What about Ronda gaining pound weight, like eating some pizzas? That's a good question, because Ronda used to fight at 145 but Rhonda's like fuck her she wants to fight me come down to 135 and lay off

the juice and you'll make 135 like that's what she's kind of said and Rhonda's also said that she's a cheater and that she's you know that what she's done is actually dangerous and she even implied that she should be arrested for attempted murder like which I thought was kind of crazy but the idea that you can you could much more efficiently injure your opponent if you're working with unnatural levels of testosterone in your body as a woman which is uh apparently what cyborg did at least once the one time that she was caught but when someone looks like that and everyone suspects and then they get caught you know like well duh you well, duh. You know? Smoke fire. Exactly.

Smoke fire. I like how you did that. That's right. But you ever seen her? Cyborg? What she looks like? Mm-mm. Oh, wait for this.

You want to be terrified? Put a cyborg muscular in... Before I even see her. Just find, like, one of the best images. Before I even see her, I just want to say, I would tear that shit up. Would you tear that shit up?

I would tear it up. Mm-hmm. Would you allow her to get on top? No way up. Would you allow her to get on top? No way. You don't allow them to get on top? Yeah, I do. But not her. Not what you told me.

She'd rip my little cock off. If she was riding you, she's essentially in the mountain position. That's not good. You don't want to trip like that. I'm mounting you. No. Very hard. Roll them over.

If they got a good base. I like the on top thing. I don't have to work as hard. Yeah, over. If they got a good base. I like the one top thing. I don't have to work as hard. Yeah, you can just relax. My swivel hips can take a rest. Do you have a little drink beside you? Sip on your drink. Look at her.

Wow. Good Lord. Look at the fucking muscles in her arms. Holy shit, is she big. And see, there's some where she's punching. Where she's in the mid-fight with Gina Carano. And there's this's some where she's punching where she's like in the mid fight with gina carano and there's this horrific image of her she has black nail polish on and she's holding gina carano's head while she's punching her and carano's just getting fucked up there that's the

picture look at that oh geez that is a fucking terrifying image for some reason it's just the black nail polish and the fucking muscles in her shoulder she's connecting with that punch and gina's face still two women yeah well let me show you the other picture show the other picture of her in mid-fight it's uh i mean cyborg knocks bitches out cold she beats the fuck out of chicks. She's, look at that. She's swole. Wow. That's her fighting.

Is she straight? Yeah, she's married. She's married to another guy named Cyborg. Cyborg Evangelista. Yeah. It's a crazy world, the world of fighting, Dom Herrera. It really is. You got to see the fights at the Palms,

which is one of the best places to see because it's real small and i think the one was was incredible was montreal though the excitement in that room i felt like i was in ancient rome yeah that wasn't gsp who's gsp fighting do you remember no no does it nick diaz no i don't remember joe i just remember the guy was from montreal so it made it that much more George was yeah George is from Montreal I don't remember which one you went to see but fuck George when he would fight in Canada we were in Toronto and he fought in front of 60,000 people 60,000 wow it was crazy like I'd never seen that many people in one place in my life it was unbelievable the thing I noticed me right away was the people are so much nicer than i expect them to be the audience yeah they're polite they're not they're

excuse me like i expected i i don't know why i thought this but a long time ago i did you ever go to professional wrestling like the fake wrestling oh yeah i mean you know they're like skate on his face they're all cut his fucking head off and shit down his neck. Exactly. And the guy would yell that over and over

and over again too, right? Hit him with the pointer. I remember I saw the Sicilian stretcher match with Bruno

San Martino when I was a kid and you were supposed to be you could only be taken out on a stretcher and somebody

guy was saying hit him with the point like the point of the stretcher poking in his fucking head you could only be taken out of the stretcher this is our rules those cage fights yeah they couldn't throw the guy out of the ring in the city and stretcher well that's why people thought when the ufc first came around they were fighting in a cage a lot of people thought it was bullshit they were like like, well, this is just entertainment. Like, they aren't really fighting.

And then it took them a while to realize, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That's real blood. Like, this guy's really getting fucked up. Yeah. There's a few fights where people got to see what it really looks like when, like, martial arts guys go at it. Well, the thing I like about it is there's so many options. Like, in boxing, it's basically you're hitting a guy.

Yeah. You're boxing. But this is like, you know, you never know. Like I saw that one fight, Silva, I think it was. Anderson? Yeah. He was losing the whole fight. No.

Who's the tall black guy? Well, maybe losing against Chael Sonnen. He was losing. And then he caught in a triangle. Is that what it was? He got his legs wrapped around his head. Yeah. Oh, that's what it was.

Yeah. That was fucking amazing. Yeah. It looked like he had no chance. Well, he fought that fight with a wounded rib cage. He hurt himself before the fight and he had no takedown defense. And Chael Sonnen was in perfect form. Chael Sonnen was just fucking shooting on him, taking him down, beating him up.

And then Anderson caught him with a triangle from the bottom. And it's really lucky, in fact, that Chael Sonnen lost that fight because he had an elevated level of testosterone in his system. And if he won that fight, they might have had to strip him for the title. He might have won the title and then got stripped. Now, do a lot of those people that are fans of yours from there know how strong a stand-up you are? Or no?

Because they didn't with Fear Factor. I think, you know, I don't know. Some know. You know, some. But, you know, comedy's a weird thing. Some people think I'm funny. Some people think I suck. It's just like music.

It's just like anything else. Yeah, it's any taste. Yeah. It's just how it is. You know, there's. Joseph, you're very strong, my friend. Thank you, my friend. Very extremely. You're as good as it gets, may I say, without the risk of being Sammy Maudlin.

Well, you know I love you too, buddy. And what I love about you is you're still fucking swinging with new shit all the time. And all these years doing comedy, like I told you, I paid to see you. You were a headliner. I paid to see you before I ever did stand-up. In Boston, right? Yeah, Nick's Comedy Stop. Brought a date.

Did you score? Oh, yeah. Fuck the shit out of that broad. Do it for me, Joey. Gave her one for Mr. Herrera. Ooh, ooh, short jabs to the stomach. But you're always working. You're always working at it.

And I think that's the difference between guys like you and some of the guys of your era. Name them. I don't want to do it. I'm kidding you. Guys quit, though, right? They give up. There's a lot of those fucking guys give up, right? Well, yeah.

Isn't that weird how that happens? I just don't. I mean, my thing is today matters. I don't care about where any danger feels special. I mean, it's nice that I had that, but I want to compete in a good way today. Yeah. You know? Well, you're just still a comic.

You never became like a veteran comic who's kind of like phoning it in like a lot of those guys did. You know? And kudos to you for that. Like, you're always writing. You always got new shit you're working on. You're always like fucking around. You're always doing sets.

You got to do some more specials. You got to do another special. I know. I'm so fucking lazy. I have always doing sets. You've got to do some more specials. You've got to do another special. I'm so fucking lazy. I have one that I've never released. When? Just like the record. It's been sitting there.

I did one at the Laugh Factory last Valentine's Day. What? Yeah. I'm a fucking moron. You filmed it already? Yeah, but then we realized that we filmed it on Valentine's Day and a's day and a regular day so the the uh decorations are behind me once and not behind me the other so now it's just audio oh that's hilarious i know well why don't you just release one or the other sets was it like two 20 minute sets is that what

it was 20 yeah 25 release them both two different sets yeah why don't you do that like valentine's day and the next day call it that put it online man why would you not put it online i'll talk to my my agent don't my rare please and you still do those shows at the laugh factor all the time i've done a bunch of those and the fun to be able to just talk to people because they're right there it's not a you know it's nice to work a theater, and the money's good, but sometimes it's not more fun than the intimacy. I remember having four UCLA students, beautiful girls in front of me,

18 years old, whatever. And I said, when else will I get a chance to talk to you without getting pulled away by a bouncer? And I said, you have to listen to me. I'm like the comedian. You better laugh it, because they knew the reality of you know, obviously I'm a lot older than them. What the fuck would we have in common other than that one moment in time? Well, that's the thing about comedy clubs, too, is that all ages sort of mingle together on a regular show.

Whereas, yeah, you wouldn't be around 22-year-old girls on a normal night if you were a regular guy with a regular job. How would you even see them you wouldn't and i remember i did a bar mitzvah show last year and they had and in the show were palestinians saudi arabians indians like hindu indians and of course jewish people and everybody was getting along i said why it's so sad that the world can't be like this look at this one room yeah what is what is all this stupid fucking fighting about? You know what I mean? And not to be sappy about it, but it was true.

It's like, why can't the world get along? Yeah. Too many people. I always said that. Too many people with crazy ideologies. Fuck yeah. That's a big part of it. But it's also like small groups of people get along pretty good.

You know, like if there's enough resources but if there's only like one chick it was like only three guys but like one you get that little house you're gonna have a problem people are gonna get angry you know if you have limited resources limited amount of food limited amount of shelter that's when things get ugly yeah but if like we were the only people on earth There's four guys in this room And we all lived in A nice area with a lot of food What would we fight about? Get together and eat

And have fun You know Fucking talk shit to each other Who wrote that joke originally? I'm telling you I said it You don't remember I said it at dinner

Oh That wasn't yours I swear to God Joe You're gonna ruin our whole society Four Would we even be doing stand-up? If there was only four of us, would we do stand-up for each other? Not with this fucking crowd.

Then I'll release my CD. Imagine we did podcasts that no one ever heard. We just decided to keep sitting down and keep doing podcasts. You do Johnny Pip. Is that his name? The guy that used to work at the comedy store? Johnny Pip? Pip? or last name pip there's this comic that used to work at the comedy store and he does a podcast and he did like uh ren is easy and re recently and they were like so when's this coming out and goes oh i don't release them i'm just gonna save them all up and then maybe release

them all one day what and so they did this whole podcast like like why did we just do this then for two hours that's ridiculous what is he like archiving shit i guess so and he puts in the background he turns on like some like just music like a violin playing on it so it gives it and there's just one microphone right in the middle of the table oh god but you can um some of those uh like those zooms and shit like that, you could do that. If you wanted to set a microphone down in this room, you could have a pretty decent recording.

If it was quiet. If it was just like this room and quiet, yeah, fine. This room's not that quiet, though. The problem is sometimes you hear noise. I'd like to one day build a real, like Adam Carolla has. You go to Adam Carolla's place? He's got real soundproof rooms. Yeah, I've been to one day build like a real, like Adam Carolla has. You go to Adam Carolla's place? He's got real like soundproof rooms.

Yeah, I've been to that one. But then again, you know, like Anthony Cumia had a really good point. He likes doing his in his backyard. He likes having the ambient noise. Like you hear a lawnmower in the distance, a car will drive by. He likes that because he's like, well, you get a sense that I'm really just hanging out in my backyard, which is really what it is. There's kind of a good point to that, too. I did Fitzsimmons.

His was in his garage. Do you hear ambient stuff, like street noise? I didn't even notice it. Probably. Have you done Maron's? Have you done Maron's? I did Maron's very first one. Ever tell you about that in Ireland?

His very first one? Well, one of his very first ones. We're in Ireland. We're doing the Kilkenny Festival. And he says, I want you to do my podcast. I said, Mark, whatever you want, I'll do. He said, when can you do it? I said, I don't think we need a schedule.

We're here in Kilkenny. What the fuck? And he goes, I said, yeah. I said, when? I go, well, how about now? He goes, now? He says, we're in Kilkenny. It's midnight on a Saturday.

I said, but it ain't like we got babes crawling all over us like what difference does it make we'll go upstairs and talk for an hour right hopefully you'll get something that's how it happened this is when they had all you know how ari has that little thing a little recorder and does everything with that yeah this is when i mean he had like this big soundboard and everything you know he had to carry all that shit how long ago was this i'm guessing five years so how many pieces of equipment did he have he seemed to have a lot i mean i would say three or four but i mean it was like it looked like a pain in the ass to lug yeah this is before a lot of the technology exploded to even smaller and smaller stuff you

know they have these boards now that they sell that's a built-in mp3 recorder with a sound board That's what Duncan uses and you plug microphones right into it. It's pretty slick. Uh-huh. What's that a sure? Is it sure make that yeah, they even have better ones now Like they have like this right here Which is just like a like looks like the size of an iPhone but bigger and you can plug up to four XLR mics in it and then you could adjust each microphone on it and then you could actually four XLR mics in it, and then you could adjust each microphone on it,

and then you could actually hook up this other thing to it so you can do two more. So a total of six. That's incredible. That's what I use on the road. I just plug everything into a... That's incredible. How much battery life? Well, it has regular batteries.

You can put AA's on it, and it also has a rechargeable battery. So you have two different batteries. So when it gets low on one, you can swap it out while the other one's still in? Yeah. Whoa. Do you ever do remotes, Joe? ever do remote boys i've done a couple but you know what honestly when i go on the road i like to just do my comedy just not think about anything

else just do stand up and i feel like if i'm doing podcasts and comedy on the road it's just i spread myself too thin especially when i go on the road if i'm working on new shit i like to go over my notes this is something i really started doing over the last few years and it's made a big difference i like going over my notes especially when i'm working on some new ideas and just even if it's not necessary for me to memorize like i have the ideas memorized yeah i like to fucking really get them into my head and spin them around a little and every now and then when i do that even if i'm going over stuff that i already know a new line will come up and that line will become like real important i do that before every show go over notes yeah i just have bullet points

you know as soon as i see the words i'll know what the bit is yeah but it really helps you think you know because you know how it is with stand-up you're out to it you're at a deli with your friends you say something they, write that down. And you go, no, but I'll remember it. No, you don't. I fucking forget shit in the middle of the night all the time. I'm so goddamn lazy. I did it again the other night.

I'm like, I'm not going to forget this. You would think that after all the years of doing that, that I was fucking dead. And I write it twice. Twice. In case I lose it. I always write things twice. Two notebooks. Have you ever fucked around

with the voice feature on your iphone no i know it works oh my god it's incredible i know it's incredible not just the voice feature for recording sets i do that but the voice feature for notes yeah it's amazing it's so good it's so accurate like look at this watch this put it on like this you press the little button down here that says microphone. You go, Dom Herrera is a bad motherfucker. Look at that. Pretty close. Dom Herrera knew is a bad motherfucker, but get that pretty close.

Oh, I'm saying it while it's still on. Oh, but look at this. This is what it said domerara new is a bad motherfucker but you that pretty close domino erin new is a bad motherfucker but get that pretty cool i'm saying it wants to but that's me fucking around okay now let's let's do something like seriously um i love the new song that dom presented us with this evening amazing incredible made my dick hard as a diamond boom perfect holy shit got everything absolutely perfectly yeah that helps out a lot. It's incredible. It's amazing. Because you could do it on a plane.

I don't know if you work on a plane. Doesn't it need the internet? It does. But yeah, if you have Wi-Fi on the plane, it works. But I ran into that problem the other day where I was trying to do Siri, and I had no internet in Toronto, and it wouldn't work. Siri doesn't know jack shit, and you fucking disconnect it from the web. That bitch is all pretending to be smart. She doesn't know jack shit and you fucking disconnect it from the web. That bitch is all pretending to be smart.

She just fucking Google searches shit for you. What, you can't do that yourself? Did you see Amazon's new thing? I think that's pretty amazing. What is that? I think that's going to, they have this new thing that's kind of like Siri where it's like this box that has these speakers that you put in the corner and it's just always on and you can always be like like Echo, what time is it? Jamie's shaking his head and he says it's bad.

Whatever, dude. But it pretty much is Siri that always is in your room and you don't have to yell or scream at it. You just go, hey, what's the movie times for the Avengers tonight? And it will tell you. It's just that.

That'll be great if it's in the form of a robot fuck doll. You know, if it's like some chick that looks unbelievably hot and she blows you. And she's a robot and she also answers questions from the internet. And you could also do shit like, if you just want background music, you'd be like, play rock music. And it'll just start playing Pandora or whatever it uses. So it's just like a voice. What's the old cartoons that they it's just like a voice what's the old cartoons that they used to have like a robot uh the house would have a robot and you would talk to the house

so it's that it's like that yeah i don't think i would use that i think that's maybe i would if it was in your bedroom and you're just laying there go siri uh seven alarm eight o'clock yeah that's nice yeah well it's it's all gonna get weirder and weirder right that that's only gonna be the beginning of the iceberg. How much better can it get? It's going to get way better. Artificial life, for sure. For sure.

We talked about this on the last podcast. That's going to kill the idea of marriage. If they're talking about population growth, everybody's worried about population growth, the moment that they invent really hot robots that you can fuck, that are made out of artificial skin, artificial bones, and they're warm and they feel like people, and they're hot as fuck, like super hot, porn star, perfect, hot as fuck,

or whatever you're into. You could be into fucking Edie Brickell. They could make you an Edie Brickell, and you can fuck her, and she'll be your slave. And no one's going to ever interact with real people after that. It's going to be really, really hard to get people to go old school. About as hard as it is to get people to go hunting for their food now. It's supposed to get rejected by your robot.

That they make them so human. You can make that, like where your robot makes you work for it. It's exciting, like a game. You meet the final boss, you get to come in her mouth. You call that a cock? You call that a cock? That would be sad. But dudes would probably do terrible things to their robots, you know, if you think about it.

Especially if it's like, well, they'll program robots to be like super similar to people. Like maybe some of them will be like really hard to get. Some of them will be just total sluts. You'd be like, hey, people like maybe some of them will be like really hard to get some of them be just total sluts you'd be like hey robot go fuck my friends and the robot runs in the other room naked just start you run in there your friends run a train on your robot you would like that guy's fucking your robot yeah what are you saying man it's gonna happen if they keep doing what they're doing now, I mean, look at what they're inventing. Like, they have this Japanese robot that has this unbelievably lifelike face,

and when it talks, its lips move. You think of that, and you think of the fleshlight, and you think of the future, and it's just a foregone conclusion that eventually they're going to have some robot that you can fuck. That's going to kill the population growth. Because it'll be just like how most technology, when it comes out, is really expensive.

Like, do you remember when plasma TVs were like 20 grand? Oh, yeah. And they were dog shit. They were these small-ass fucking, like, it's a flat screen. You go over to the guy's house, he's got a flat screen. Yeah, I remember the long distance was really expensive. Fuck yeah. You found out what

i'm sorry joe well they then they you know there were those those tvs the early tvs were like 20 30 grand yeah and then they figured out how to make them for like 1500 and they're much bigger you can get an amazing tv now for like way cheaper than that yeah so i think that once they invent a robot it's just going to be a matter of time it's going to be a matter of maybe it's 10 years, maybe it's 20 years. But there's going to be just a market for robot fuck dolls. And for women, too, man. You're going to go over a chick's house, and she's going to have the Hulk living in her house. A Hulk with a giant fucking oak tree dick.

Just a huge man. But they have no souls, my friend. She doesn't need a soul. She needs some cock And it's just gonna fucking slam her And like a regular dude is not gonna be able to compete with the Hulk Hulk smash And she just tells him what to do

Hulk go drink out of the toilet Hulk drink out of the toilet Just gets in there Drinks out of the toilet And then she makes him fuck her You got quite the imagination It's gonna happen man It's gonna happen

If they keep inventing things How is that not gonna happen? What do you think The other two The other two guys In our four person society What do you Like old ladies

You know old ladies Are always sad and lonely They won't be sad and lonely anymore They'll have giant hulks Licking their pussy While they watch soap operas and shit Hey it's a family show Giant head Like a fucking pumpkin Right between your legs And you like licking their pussy while they watch soap operas and shit hey it's a family show giant head like

a fucking pumpkin right between your legs and you like pull his hair out get the fuck out of here i'm watching tv sorry hulk leave and he leaves and grandma cleans up little kids come over grandma we wish you would get rid of the hulk grandma be like this i don't know what the fuck you're talking about that's not happening so if you kids want some cookies come on the fuck in but leave my Hulk alone this big fucking green guy with black hair

and purple pants eating your pussy leave my Hulk alone that's my next song well you have to think that right I mean if men want like some crazy fuck doll

like that's like gigolos right there's still there are men who uh who date rich women like rich older women and they do it just for the money 100 right yeah i know a lady i know a lady she got divorced and she's not she seems like a very nice lady but she's not that attractive and she's deep into her 40s and her boyfriend is this young weak like guy who's in his 20s and he's weak he's just like you're around you want to slap him you want to

spit in your hand just smack him in the face but he he's handsome and he hangs out with her and like when they're together he's always like doting on her in this really weird way and you would say like hey this guy is just like really attracted to her and it's bizarre but hey you know it is what it is but no no he's not even gay he was also dating this other woman that i know who's also rich and she got rid of him because he was kind of a fucking loser and then he glommed on to this one it's kind of the same thing she finds guys or he finds girls rather that sort of uh pay for him and take care of everything. And he's like trying to be an actor, but he sucks at it, apparently.

And this guy just gloms onto these rich ladies. It's fucking, but it's essentially like a form of prostitution. And he knows his place. Oh, yeah. You know, he rubs their feet and shit. And these chicks are fucking rich. They're rich. One of them's rich on her own.

The other one's rich through divorce. But they're rich. Remember the them's rich on her own. The other one's rich through divorce. But they're rich. Remember the actress named Martha Ray? Remember her ex? Oh, yeah. He was on Stern all the time. Gay guys. Yeah.

They were gay, right? Right. Well, didn't Elizabeth Taylor marry some gay guys towards the end? I don't know. She married this guy named Todd and Burton. I don't know who else she married. She married a ton of fucking guys. Let's pull it up. Elizabeth Taylor,

gay husband. I don't think I'm making it up. Beth Taylor, gay husband. Every time that I think of you. It's a gaping photo. What? Don't pull that up.

Let's see. Elizabeth Taylor, gay husband. It's got to be in there. Elizabeth Taylor, Wikipedia. Okay, look for the term gay. Did you follow any of that Hannibal Barris, Bill Cosby rape? Yes. Interesting. What happened?

Yes. Hannibal, for the last couple months has been practicing this new bit here and there about bill cosby uh because supposedly there's been like 13 people that have screamed rape about him and he just brought it up and out of nowhere now it's picking up where uh everyone's talking about it and what he's saying is you could google it yeah that it's easy to see like there's people apparently bill cosby has this reputation for drugging women and then having sex with them it's fucking terrifying do you think that this guy who's like america's family icon yeah from the huxtables is this drugging rapist that's scary it's scary i've heard shaky rumors

about him for a long time yeah like what other stuff no that kind of i mean i didn't hear the drug thing but just that he was a womanizer and whatever well you know there's a big difference why does anyone care why doesn't why doesn't anyone care about the sexual assault allegations against bill cosby well you know gentle booty um but when you hear hannibal talk about it it's um it's interesting because first of all he's one of those guys as recently as 2004 wow from the 1970s and that's another smoke fire thing come on 13 Not only that, I mean, how many of these women are embarrassed or terrified? I mean, he's wealthy. You know, I mean, just because you're going to sue him doesn't mean you're going to be protected.

I mean, even if you win, who knows what he's capable of? Anybody's capable of raping you, drugging you, and raping you. Probably capable of some dark shit. They might be capable of killing you or getting you whacked. Who the fuck knows? If you're threatening his future or his family

or his millions, that's fucked up. It is fucked up. Fucked up. Good for Hannibal, though. I sent him a text. He's so great. Good for you, dude.

Fuck that guy. It's weird, though, that it takes a comedian making a bit about it that all this i mean it's his common knowledge well i've heard of it like i said for a long time but it's like i don't know how much you know you never know how much is true you know right of course rudy huxtable is pretty that's what which one isn't one of those girls a lesbian now uh i think lisa is that one of the kids from the show? The youngest one is? She's pretty.

Yeah, the one below Rudy where they brought in a younger girl because Rudy was getting too old so they tried to save it with even a younger girl. I don't remember any of that shit.

You don't? No. But it is kind of crazy that it takes Hannibal talking about it for this to be a story. Right. And still,

nothing's happening. You know, if it was anyone else, I wonder. Somebody's got to prosecute. Yeah, you have to have a lot of evidence to do something like that, I would imagine. You know, I mean, there's definitely the evidence of, like, so many folks calling, so many women, rather, calling rape on them. But I think you have to have something where they can decide. Something tangible, yeah. I mean, obviously, not that many people are going to make up something for what.

Yeah, it seems like you could get a couple chicks to make some shit up. But not 13. Yeah. If you had a couple evil bitches in your life, you can get some crazy stories that aren't true at all. 13 different women saying you drugged them. I had a hooker once in uh hey easy come away

show in the lane you're picking hookers i was in atlantic city and i she i brought her back right or whatever and she's threatened to you know sue me i'm not sure blackmail me right like let me think something i don't know if you've ever seen my act but nobody gives a if i ever had a hooker you've seen what you know what i mean yeah like fuck if I ride a hooker. You know what I mean? It's not like I'm Bob Saget who was on a family show. I heard Atlantic City's hurting. I heard... Not where I go.

No? I'm at the Tropicana. That's really hot still. They've been in the black for a long time. There's only a couple in the black, and they're one of them. Yeah, there's a lot of casinos that are really struggling. Oh, they closed, yeah, which makes it even better. I hate to capitalize on somebody else's misery,

but the trap is hotter than ever. Yeah, Atlantic City's troubled. It's also the Sandy damage, right? Hurricane Sandy really fucking did a number on that place. A lot of things did, and also the fact that the biggest thing is the fact they opened up other casinos in Pennsylvania and New Jersey and Delaware. So they didn't have to travel as far.

People used to come in bus loads to Atlantic City. But I'll be there Memorial Day Saturday if you want to get your tickets now. And just remain in line. Don't riot. Don't riot. Go see him. He's one of the best In America

Ladies and gentlemen One of your favorite places Massey Hall Ooh, great place This weekend With Gabriel Oh, that's a beautiful place Man, Massey Hall

Is like historic Massey Hall Hamilton In Toronto It's one of those places Where you go there You're like, holy shit The Beatles played here

Did they really? I believe so Wow I believe they did There's all sorts of Cool fucking Posters on the wall of all the different people that have played there all throughout the years. Amazing, amazing place. I remember the posters.

I didn't get close to them. I thought they were advertisements. I did. You got to get close up to see shit? No. How close? I got good vision. 2020 or what?

2020 in one eye and just a little bit less in the other. I can still see close. A friend of mine goes to me, we go to a restaurant in Atlantic City. He goes, you can't read that. I go, I'm reading it. He goes, that's bullshit. I go, what do you think? I snuck around.

I didn't even know the restaurant was going. I think I went all over town and memorized to impress you with my close-up vision. He's mad that his close-up vision is bad and yours is good? You know what fucks it up, apparently, like really bad, is monitors. Yeah. They're saying that monitors, like the strain of staring at an LCD screen over years and years, is fucking super bad for your eyes. My dad always says every couple hours, go outside and look at a faraway mountain for like 10 minutes,

and it will stretch your eye, because your eyes are stretching to look at the money sneak up on you and rob you staring off of the mountains what are you looking at his fucking eyes are standing still i'm gonna take his money and you're gonna know i'm coming he's looking off in the distance like he's waiting for a fucking indian train to come out what's wrong with that guy yeah yeah i didn't have to model just tell me to read like because he knows how he knows how much i travel he said read without the glasses for the first 20 minutes and it keeps your eyes stronger i don't know but it seems to work for the first 20 minutes 20 25 minutes like when i'm reading the paper and then put them on then you can put them on yeah but it gives them more strength i don't know if it's true but it's working for me fucking with you i got that dumb motherfucker squinting.

He's just laughing at home, eating breakfast, thinking, thinking about you squinting. Some people make up shit like that. You know, like make up things that will help you and things that won't. Fucking weirdos. But apparently there's nothing they can do about eyesight besides lasix and stuff like long distance surgery but for short short short distances it's about your eye losing its ability to to uh adjust to close up shit and apparently

gary shanley put his face right on the paper. I was at the County Magic Club. Like this old professor, like this nutty professor kind of thing. Like trying to read the menu? Yeah. Mine's not that bad, but it's getting worse, man. My vision's definitely getting worse. Over the last year or two years, I've noticed a pretty big drop off. You know, it can actually get better in some ways.

Like if you, according to the curvature of the lens. One of my eyes improved a little. I said, how is that possible? He says, you just got lucky because of the way it curves. Really? Yeah.

It just got better? Must be the same guy that robbed him when he was looking at the sunset. That's ridiculous. No, no, I've heard it. You know, it's not going to get incredibly better like a jet pilot but it's gonna you know it can improve well i would think that they're gonna come up with something eventually this is a matter of time before they figure out something there's uh there's certain nutrients that they can give you

that improve eyesight lutein i think is one of them. Whatever carrots has in them. I don't think that's true. I think that carrot thing is bullshit. Excuse me, I think a Mr. Bugs Bunny told me. Oh! Is this thing on? Hello? What does Bill Cosby say about all this? Has anybody ever asked him?

I don't think he's talking about it. Pull up Bill Cosby's statement on rape. Yeah, what could he say? Let me see if I can pull it up here. How I never raped 13 women. On rape. Let's see what he says. I bet he says it's all bullshit.

Queen Latifah show. We didn't cancel the Bill Cosby interview. Whoa, that's recent. October 30th. Yeah, that's because of Hannibal's. Wow. We didn't cancel Bill Cosby interview whoa that's recent october 30th yeah that's because of hannibal's wow we didn't cancel bill cosby interview over rape allegations oh they canceled it hmm let's see why they didn't do that you can put your cosby sweater away because bill cosby won't be appearing on soon on the queen latifah syndicated talk show to promote his upcoming comedy tour according to tmz clean queen latifah

and her talk show staff pulled the plug because of some rape allegations that surfaced earlier this month so what is she saying she did we didn't cancel okay early this month comedian hannibal burris they're quoting what burris's uh act. Wow, so there's some women that are coming out with this stuff. This is a confusing article. There's a huge article on Snopes right now. Snopes? Snopes. About that?

Yeah, and it just breaks down all the different girls who are coming forward. And it's just constantly all saying the same thing about being drugged and isn't that horrible that's dark they were okay they were responded with the following statement

Mr. Cosby's scheduled appearance on the Queen Latifah show was postponed at his request and was in no way related to any of our of our recent or upcoming...

He just had a busy rape day. He couldn't squeeze it in. He was out there buying roofies in Mexico. It's hard to get roofies wherever he lives in Beverly Hills. Yeah. It's weird that it's recent. It's all since the 1970s. But again, back then, you didn't have a lot of recourse.

You know? I mean, you couldn't just go on Facebook and say, hey, Bill Cosby raped me. Yeah, and the DNA stuff. Back then, you pretty much had to probably scoop out the cum out of you and take it in. That wouldn't even work. How would they prove it was his cum? They're solving crimes now that they had thena evidence stored away for a long time and now they're trying to connect it to people i mean there was a time i was watching uh you know what

i watched the other day bullet with steve mcqueen i was gonna watch that yesterday and have time i watched the odd couple and it's fucking great. I've got to see that next time I fly. It was fucking great. But one of the things that was great about it, besides the action scenes, like the car chase scene through San Francisco is fucking incredible. It's a 68 Mustang and a 68 Dodge Charger. And they're driving through the streets of San Francisco, going over bumps and flying through the air.

It's fucking... And one of the things about that movie is they don't talk for long stretches of the movie. It's all action. Like 10 minutes sometimes without a word gets said. But the thing that struck me about DNA, when it came to crime scenes and stuff like that, there's no fucking...

They didn't know who did anything. They didn't swab anything down. Someone died. You had to catch the guy killing somebody. They'd pick up the gun. There's no fucking, they didn't know who did anything. They didn't swab anything down. Someone died. Like, you had to catch the guy killing somebody. They'd pick up the gun. Here's the gun. Well, they did fingerprints.

Dusted fingerprints. But, you know, you gotta fucking try them. All you'd have to do is wear gloves. Wear gloves, you can kill everybody.

You know, you'd have to, like today. Murder gloves. Homicide gloves. If you sweat, if you sweat on something Yeah

Like if you pick up Like if you You have a sweaty hand And you touch a knife They can get DNA off of that How about the way They can tell if they did If you did cocaine

By your hair Isn't that nuts Holy shit They take pieces of people's hair Yeah If you were going for a drug test Like for work For employment

Employment yeah That's fucking disgusting to me man That's That just really drives me crazy That Especially the The marijuana ones Because it takes like yeah that's fucking disgusting to me man that's that just really drives me crazy that especially the uh the the marijuana ones because it takes like six weeks for it to go out of your system you could have smoked the joint five fucking weeks ago and your job tells you that you can't smoke pot even in your off time you could drink your fucking self silly friday and saturday stumble

out of bed fucking Fucking recover Sunday morning. Get to work on Monday. And no one says a goddamn thing to you. I have a friend who's a DA. He's a big time DA. And he has this idea that pot is going to kill you. Is a gateway drug. Right?

And I said, gateway to what? My ass? I mean, it's not a gateway. I said, look, I know so many people who smoke pot most of the people i know smoke pot none of them are doing heroin none of them hardly any of them they've occasionally dabbled in cocaine they don't do anything it's not a gateway drug it's a gateway it's like it's like saying you know beer is a gateway to uh whiskey not necessarily it might lead you to it but it's not you know You know what I mean? Well, the idea

of gateway drugs has been thoroughly discredited anyway. The idea that a drug makes you do another drug or allows you to do another drug. If there's any one drug that there's any evidence at all for being a gateway, it's fucking alcohol. Because of the lowering of inhibitions and the fact that a lot

of times people want to do an upper to sort of wake back up. like where people start doing coke. Like, hey, you want to do a little coke? Wake up. Like, no one ever, you know, to smoke weed and someone goes, hey, man, you want to do some coke? Fuck this up. Yeah, right.

Fuck up this nice mellow buzz with some rapid heartbeat. Larry King had this thing that he put on. What is this? Proposition 47, 10,000 prisoners to be released from California state prisons due to Proposition 47? For misdemeanor. So a lot of misdemeanor drug charges like marijuana charges.

That's awesome, man. So they're also saying that it's going to be 40,000 people a year less, fewer convictions because of this policy. Well, imagine sitting there, you sold pot next to a child molester or a rapist. I mean, how is that fair? Unbelievable.

Right? You know, Washington, D.C. just made it legal, and Oregon did as well. Oh, I knew there were two places. And New York is going to stop arresting you for marijuana. That's nice, but why don't they just make it illegal? Or make it legal, rather. Make it legal everywhere. Come on, what are we, babies?

What I don't understand is how is it federally still illegal but it's legal here because the government's fucked the government's fucked the federal government is ridiculous the whole idea behind it it's only supposed to be there in times of war it's not supposed to have any precedent it's not supposed to have power over the states it's like it's only supposed to have power over the country in times of war so we're in the perpetual state of war i I mean, that's where taxes came about, too. Income taxes all came about through war. And it was supposed to kind of go away.

Like, remember when we lived in the East Coast and they'd have tolls and it was to pay for a bridge? But then once they paid for the bridge... How expensive was that fucking bridge? Once they paid for the bridge, they're like, you know, this is fucking... We got to paint it.

They just keep fucking... I mean, how much money has, the, like Staten Island Bridge made? The Verrazano Bridge. Verrazano, yeah. How much has that made? That's one of the most expensive ones I've ever, is it like 20 bucks now? It's fucking unbelievable. And people pay it every day.

Every day you're paying that money. Yeah. When you stop and think about how much money that fucking bridge must have earned, people get, they get addicted to getting that money. They get that money that's coming in. That's why all these crazy people that think you don't have to pay taxes, they go back to the Constitution. Look, it constitutionally says you don't have to pay taxes. Go try that out.

Go try that out and watch how fucking fast they'll lock you in a cage. I got a call from the IRS. That bridge generates $330 million a year. Which one's Arizona? $330 million a year. That's un-fucking-real. What are they, A-Rod? Hey! What are you fucking Justin Bieber over here?

Fucking bridge. It's a lot of money. Yeah, they're addicted to it. They're addicted to that money. Fuck. That's insane. But that's to that money fuck that's insane but that's you know that's the state law on marijuana it's it's ridiculous the federal government shouldn't have any power to stop the state from doing what it wants to do and they they tried with with um with colorado and with washington state by keeping it out of banks that was the big one keeping it

from federally insured banks and so these fucking poor people were forced to take cash everywhere colorado and with washington state by keeping it out of banks that was the big one keeping it from federally insured banks and so these fucking poor people were forced to take cash everywhere they're getting cash and they were going to uh the the bank to deposit cash and getting like checks and shit you know and they have these fucking bank checks they were getting written out for these cash deposits like tens of thousands of dollars at a time so these millions of dollars of bank checks the whole thing was a disaster and very dangerous they hired these blackwater guys they hired these mercenaries and shit to to guard over the fucking people that were taking the money to the banks it's just crazy when you let people know that these people are going to have cash

everybody knows they have cash there's no not like credit card receipts don't you do you any good anymore it's actual money you steal it you you any good anymore. It's actual money. You steal it. You got it now. And that's what these fucking federal people were making these state people do. It's ridiculous. You've been to Denver since it's legal, right? Fuck yeah. I did my Comedy Central special there.

I know. I talked about you because I did the room about a month after you did it. Yeah, I needed to do it there. I wanted to do it there. Plus, that room is amazing. I like both the clubs. I like the other one, too. The other one's great, too.

It's like being on a cruise ship. Everything's right there. But the downtown, it's got its own funk. I mean, that's a historic club. Yeah, yeah. The Comedy Works in Denver. Both of them are great. I mean, that's an amazing town. It's an historic club. Yeah, yeah. The Comedy Works in Denver. Both of them are great. I mean, that's an amazing town.

It's an amazing story. The woman, Wendy, worked her way up from a waitress and owns all that and owns the condos. And good for her. She's responsible for the entire comedy scene in Denver, man. She's like the person who, without her, comedy in Denver would not be the same. You could point to one person oh yeah you know that's one of the reasons why i wanted to do it at her club i wanted to let everybody know how awesome that place is how awesome she is she she builds up comedians like she starts them up from

the time they're open micers you know builds them up they have classes there they get to do like open mics and then they get to do mc gigs and they work up the way up to middle and they become headliners like she has like a whole system in place oh i i worked there once and i didn't i didn't have a good week and i said you know i don't feel like i don't want to take your money with a ski mask on i said it's whatever we had this conversation she says no it was us we didn't promote you right we had this thing and next time i went in it was great you know like it was very cool and i mean like the thing is i don't i never want to rob anybody if i really think you know if it didn't work out well like ticket sales

wise yeah it used to be much harder too before the internet came along much harder to promote gigs well now it's like you know incredible the power you know i was telling somebody today coming over here i said this podcast is more more valuable than if i did every late night show this week isn't that nuts yeah it's true though you know well nobody watches those late night shows for stand-up anymore no unfortunately and you know they watch it just to if you're like bored like who's on oh bono's on all right yeah you sit there and you watch it it's rare that people like look forward to it especially people of our generation but also it's you don't get a real representative set if you do stand up on one of those things six minutes five minutes sometimes

the thing that bothers me is the opening monologues more than anything boy uh president obama was in the news today oh Boy, was President Bush stupid, huh? It's like all that same stuff regurgitated over. First of all, you know how hard it is to do eight, ten minutes a night? Leonard used to do 20, 25. Did he really do 25 a night? I think he did. He did close to that.

We can look it up. That's incredible. He claimed the reason he didn't have comedians on more is because they wanted to see him. The public demanded to see him. Demanded it? Yeah. Well, he was a little nervous about competition. Oh, yeah.

Rightly so. I mean, you think about all the fucking shifty shit they did with him. They were always fucking with him. Moving him around. Who's number one and gets fired pretty crazy right yeah he was number one he was always number one yeah right both times both times conan it dipped so badly poor you know it's i mean i got nothing against conan but my god you know conan did to me that once i tell you this what about the irish joke oh yeah he was upset at you

right i thought he was fucking kidding You know here's this Harvard grad Simpsons Hip smart guy And you did a joke About Irish women I did a joke About Irish women That I wrote in Ireland

And the Irish women Loved it And he says I really didn't like That joke You know And I feel like saying That's because you look

Like one of the women I'm talking about Oh Over here this guy But anyway He never had me back Well I didn't care Not like I tried but it

was like so funny i said this you know how can you be a comedian and then be thin-skinned well he wasn't really a comedian he was a writer right you're right and then he became the host of a show where he sort of does a monologue but he never like toured as a stand-up and sort of built up an act we don't have applause signs when we do stand up and we don't have a guy waving people to stand up as we walk in the room guy waving people to stand up as we walk in the room yeah you're standing ovation without earning it yeah they had a guy with a headset on as soon as people come in everybody makes me yeah that's so weird so corny it's a weird gig all those the pageantry of those late night shows is very strange you don't do

them anymore huh yeah i didn't like them i did ferguson that was fun and i did fallon i think they're both great guys yeah it's just i think that especially after doing podcast oh with the freedom you have yeah forget it those shows are they're fucking dinosaurs man no one's gonna understand you they're not gonna get it you're gonna have this like couple minute blurb all right thank you thanks for coming on we'll be right back but you know i knew when it was dying when people would say man i saw you in letterman Thank you. Thanks for coming on. We'll be right back. You know, I knew when it was dying when people would say, man, I saw you on Letterman. Really good set.

I go, thanks. I was never on it. No, I go, no, I saw you. I go, oh, is there anything else I did that I don't know about? But I used to get credit for things I never did. Right. That's when I realized nobody knows even what they're watching. Yeah.

I saw you somewhere. You're talking. You look like Letterman. What was that thing you did with the guy? What was that joke you did? It was really funny. Oh, the funny one. Yeah, let me single that one out. You know that fucking joke?

Not the first one. No, the one about the Italian guys talking to each other. I think those shows were something to aspire to back in the day. Well, they were like the Imprimatur. They were the seal that you made it. Yeah. When Johnny Carson at least gave you a a wink that put you into another level and i think for a comic too like some comics like really wanted to host a talk show you know there's a lot of guys that really wanted to do

that sort of a show tosh did and now he's so happy with with what he's doing well what he's doing is him you know it's representative much more of his style. But I think there's a lot of guys that had this thing. They wanted to be considered as like, did Richard Jenner ever have a talk show? No, but he wanted all that. He wanted a sitcom. He never had a talk show. As great as he was, he never satisfied himself about his terrific talent. Well, I think he was a great stand-up comic,

but he wanted all that other stuff. He wanted to be Jimmy Carrey. He wanted to be Jerry. Yeah, Jerry Seinfeld. But a lot of guys wanted to be that sort of Jay Leno guy. Yeah. Where they, ladies and gentlemen, tonight on the show, we got a good show tonight.

We got singing our first song. You never hear a guy go, we got a crap show tonight, folks. The show sucks, but luckily for you, I'm funny. So we'll see you in a minute. We're going to shit on all this fucking terrible. I got some bad fucking movies to promote and fucking worse songs. And stupid, vapid actresses who have nothing to say but are hot. We're going to ask them about Islamophobia.

We're going to ask them about public discourse and your picture's getting leaked. Yeah. It's a dinosaur now. The idea of doing a talk show, to me. It does you no good as a comedian. People go, oh, you're on. It does you no good. Well, I mean, it would do some good if you hosted it.

I bet Seth Meyers' numbers are up if he goes on the road. But, you know, it's like when I did the Tonight Show, don're on. It does you no good. Well, I mean, it would do some good if you hosted it. Like, I bet Seth Meyers' numbers are up if he goes on the road. But, you know, it's like when I did the Tonight Show, don't forget, the first time I did it, there was, you know, everybody didn't even have cable. Wow. It was 86. Jesus Christ. And so it was really important because it was basically the three networks that were the power.

So if you were on, I mean, you were on a third of the most powerful things were being broadcast. How many people would watch The Tonight Show back then? I don't know. Millions. I mean, it was really big. I mean, imagine, Joe. They didn't have choice. There was no internet.

There was no podcast. There was no anything. Well, that's why if you got shut out, if you got blackballed from a show, like Ed Sullivan would blackball people from The Ed Sullivan Show. Who got blackballed? Jackie Mason got blackballed from a show, like Ed Sullivan would blackball people from the Ed Sullivan show. Jackie Mason got blackballed. Yes, that's right. They thought Jackie Mason, there was thought that he gave him the finger, right? I thought he gave him this, the nose.

Like this? Yeah. What does that mean? When you put your thumb on your nose and you wave your fingers like a turkey? Is that bad? Imagine if a guy does that to you and you're like, I'm writing that fucker off for life. What does it mean? I don't know, but I don't like it.

Yeah, what is a Jackie Mason, Ed Sullivan show, right? Jackie Mason kicked it. Right here. Right now. Is Jackie Mason still alive? Yeah, he's still alive. What does he do these days? He still does stand-up.

He does? Yeah. Actually, I saw him a couple years ago doing one minute show he's very funny i love that cadence anyway i said they missed it i gotta do that what was this show in the 80s like something chicken soup or something yeah that's exactly what it was it was actually in the 90s 90s and uh one of the guys that i worked with on the show hardball was uh one of the uh pas on that chicken soup show really yeah i forgot he had tv jockey had the tv yeah supposedly was

the finger i mason pointed back at sullivan oh it was the finger it wasn't the see if you could You could find, oh, you see, Jackie Mason's contract. They had contracts? Wow. Wow. Contract to appear in the Ed Sullivan Show was canceled after he allegedly gave Ed Sullivan the finger during his October 18th, 1964 performance. While doing stand-up comedy, his stand-up comedy act, Sullivan signaled that Mason had two minutes left to wrap up his act. Mason then pointed back at Sullivan, and to this day, there remains a controversy on whether Mason used his middle finger to gesture to Sullivan. After the finger incident, Mason was banned from the show. However, Sullivan and Mason sorted out their feud, and Mason ultimately came back to perform once or more on the show two years later.

Oh, that's not even that long. I'd like to see that, though. Imagine being the guy that had to follow the Beatles. Probably spinning plates or something. Is that what he did? No, I don't know. I don't know who it was. Oh, somebody did.

Somebody had to follow the Beatles. That's pretty funny. Put on the video of Jackie Mason on the Ed Sullivan Show. Because I'm looking for it now. That would be fucking crazy. I wonder if they even have that. I bet they do. Don't you think that's online somewhere?

Yeah. This might be it. Jackie Mason, Ed Sullivan. I like your version of the Tonight Show theme. The other problem with having a show like that Is one of the beautiful things Of having a podcast Is that you can put on Whoever you want

Yeah Like I put on My friends like you Or people I think Are interesting You know People I want to talk to They say I'm not interesting

I think you're beautiful I think you're interesting I think you're funny Ditto I think you're all that The insecure comic But you know what I mean Like I can have anybody on

Yeah I'd like that Of course But if you're on a Tonight show type thing, they book the guests. Oh, the numbers go down when you bring...

Leno told me the numbers always go down when they put a stand-up on, except him. Well, Leno also had an issue with he would have to watch those fucking terrible movies that he was promoting.

And it's one of the things he loves about doing his car show now. He's like, I was talking to Mike Lacey at the Comedy Magic Club. Right. In Hermosa Beach.

And he was saying, Jay's so happy now. He doesn't have to watch those shitty movies anymore. Yeah. And plus, he really fucking loves cars. That should have been his gig all along. He loves cars like you like martial arts. He's great at it. Yeah.

You ever listen to that show? That Jay Leno's Garage? No, no. It's so much better than anything he ever did on a Tonight Show. It's a really good show. He was a great comedian one time. Yeah. Well, it's not even comedy.

The comedy is the worst part of the show. When he tries to do stand-up or tries to joke, it's the worst part of the show. The best part about the show is just his passion for these classic cars. It's always fun when somebody has a passion for it. You know, you're right. It's like... Yeah, well, also, for me, I'm a car nut, too. I love cars.

So when I hear him talk, he knows way more about cars than I do. And also, he has a full, like, airplane hangar or warehouse filled with cars. A constant staff of mechanics that are working on these cars. He must have made a fucking unbelievable amount of money well you know he the rumor is he never spent any of his money from tonight's show yeah it's all of it is stand-up stand-up yeah that's incredible he was making like you know under like a hundred thousand a night or some ridiculous figures when people were making five that's incredible five thousand you know doing shows you mean yeah doing live stand-up his

price is really high yeah so he's got like every fucking car known to man he's got a collection of porsches and classic cars and mustangs and just everything and on his show he'll like bring in like new cars that are like being put out right now and i didn't even know he had a show i have to watch it it's fucking great it's on youtube it's called jay lena to watch it. It's fucking great. It's on YouTube. It's called Jay Leno's Garage. It's the best thing he's ever done. I really believe that. The best thing is because it's all his.

He wears a jean shirt and jean pants. He's got the fucking same clothes he wears. The way he really is. Yeah. And he's going over all these different cars. They'll bring in the new Mustang and he'll go over the interior and ask him questions about the engine. Let's take it for a drive. They take it for a drive and he's having fun and hitting the gas.

It's a fucking great show. It's a great show. He's been doing it for a few years now, too. Even while he was doing the Tonight Show? Yep. Yeah, he was doing it online when he was doing the Tonight Show, and now it's basically all he's doing. I mean, he obviously doesn't need any fucking money.

He's just doing it and enjoying it. But it's great. Did you find it? It's supposed to be on this episode, but it's on Hulu and there's like a five different advertisements But it says YouTube Jackie Mason Ed Sullivan. Oh, I think he's actually talking about it. It's all like he's much older Okay, yeah, I'm still trying to find the yeah it looks like it's supposed to be on this episode, but I'm still trying to find the... It looks like it's supposed to be on this episode, but...

Hmm. You know, Red Vance, at least you can do his final fucking thing. I mean, you're out... Well, just pull this up, Jackie Mason live, because it's kind of interesting to see him when he looks like he's about 30 years old, because now you see him. Just pull up Jackie Mason live.

You know, he's like from mid-America. He is? I thought he was like a New Yorker, yeah. He is? I'm pretty sure. I just heard that. Wow. No. Really? I love that cadence.

Sheboygan, Wisconsin. That's great cadence, isn't it? Yeah. I told him, besides, I'm not even parked on this side of the street. I told him, I'm parked on the other side. I happen to be far from the curb. That's all. I'm parked on the other side.

I happen to be far from the curb. That's all. I'll be talking to you. Are you a judge? If I was a judge, I would be talking to you. He's got something to tell a judge. Let him tell him himself. I'm not running a messenger service between him and a judge.

He says, listen, I take orders. I said, you take orders, I order you to stop writing that ticket. He said, you're going to have to make a personal appearance in court. I said, first you give me a ticket, now you're my manager. I told him off. Nobody could push me around and get away with it. The next day, I'm standing in front

of the judge. And he says to me, guilty or not guilty? I said I said to myself he don't know why should I tell him take a chance he says well you ever up before the judge I said what time you get up now he gets mad he said one more way $25 for consent I said my consent time you get up? Now he gets mad. He says, one more way, $25 for consent. I said, my consent, you can have enough. You can keep your $25. This whole system stinks. I support the police to protect me from crooks.

That's why I support them, right? In a civilized society, you support cops because you need protection from crooks. You want to know the amazing thing? With crooks, I got no trouble. I only got trouble with cops. Beats the point I see a crook, I'm happy see it i see a cop i get nervous you ever ride in the street and get stopped by a crook never always a cop that's actually good comedy man yeah that's especially when you consider the fact that what year was that from brian uh looks like the 60 63 wow that's crazy yeah that's

a long fucking time ago and that guy was a grown-ass man doing comedy but i mean it's so contrived but so funny because the whole physical thing he's going yeah it's great yeah that's strong that's pretty strong comedy especially in consideration of the amount of time lapsed oh yeah you know it's it's hard watching some old stand-up. Well, it holds up. Yeah, that's pretty good. It's pretty good. If you saw that on stage in a crowd, you'd be laughing at that.

The idea that the crooks never stop, your cops do. Yeah, that's true. I never got stopped by a crook. Oh, he's playing in the greater Los Angeles area. What does that say? In Englewood, New Jersey, he'll be there April 25th. Ah, Englewood, New Jersey. Englewood, which is not far from...

Pittsburgh Performance Arts Center. Is that his only gig? Yeah. Is that coming up? Next year, April 25th. Oh, that's it? Yeah. Maybe he's just like a once a year.

Well, at least on Ticketmaster. He's 83 years old, man. He probably doesn't really want to do stand-up anymore. Probably gets annoying after a while. But then again, Carlin, he was in 83 when he died, but he did it to the fucking bitter end, man. Rodney did it to the end. A lot of guys do.

Rodney was 83. Yeah, that's the thing for us, right? The guy never stopped doing stand-up. George Burns was 100. He was, right? Still smoked cigars.

He really took his time, though. He was a little slower. His timing was so relaxed. He couldn't do like Burns if he started out as Kinison. Nope. How long can you do that act? To lose. lower his timing was so relaxed you couldn't do like burns if he started out as kinnison no how long can you do that act you know imagine sam lived imagine how fucking what bad shape sam would be in today oh my god

oh my god he would be crippled just from the drugs he'd probably be so broken down or when the opposite sam's jogging doing fucking yoga and shit he's like dallas diamond page goes on yoga dvd out you ever seen you know dallas diamond page the wrestler no he was a big time pro wrestler now he's like 58 years old and he does uh he does yoga. It saved his life, saved his body. He put this video out of him doing 58 superhero push-ups at 58 years old. He did over 50, rather, at 58 years old. These are fucking really hard to do. Superhero push-up is like you extend your arms all the way forward,

extend your legs all the way forward. You put your palms to the ground, and you lift yourself up by your palms and then drop drop yourself down again, and lift your legs up and your hands up, and do it again. It's super hard to do, and it requires ridiculous core strength. And he did more than 50 of them at 58 years old. I was thinking about those kind of physical feats. I had a kid. I used to teach fourth grade, and I had a kid. His name was Tyrone Dunn, a little black kid, great kid.

And we used to have dance contests, and his closer was he would do a complete split and pick himself up without touching the ground. You know how amazing that is? Yeah, it's like, you know, just slide up, and he would slide up and then go like this, you know, but it was like... How old was he?

Fourth grade, so he was probably like 10, 9 or 10. A split and then split complete split and come and come up without using your hands to lift off the floor that's incredible i know it was amazing that requires amazing strength yeah for a young kid like that anybody anybody you know too bad it's just dancing you give a fuck about your dancing, kid? Get out of here. Through the Olympics, you give him a gold medal and make him a hero. It's just dancing.

Spinning around, doing splits and shit. My kids take gymnastics and I go to the place where they practice and you see the real gymnast there too. It's amazing watching young kids,

like 10 years old, that are doing handstands on the balancing bars, on the parallel bars. Handstands. Feet straight up in the air. Yeah. And then they flip down and they go back up again and flip down.

It's amazing. Amazing how athletic some of these kids are. Just getting them there young, early. Teach them how to do it. And then they develop this just insane core strength. Do the kids like it? They love it. Yeah.

That's cool. It's fun. Kids love tumbling around and being physical and stuff like that, but I think it's very important to give your kids a sense of a body awareness sense. I think dance class and martial arts and things like that, anytime you can get your kid involved in anything where they kind of move their body a lot, I think it's really good for them. Oh, yeah. Especially their brain, too. Especially with computers now. Because the other way, they could morph into a young fat kid, which is hard to come back from.

Well, I went trick-or-treating. And I saw some kids, these overweight kids that were trick-or-treating. And I felt bad, man. Because I saw kids getting the candy. And then it was like they were little junkies. They would take the candy. And, like, you know, we let our kids eat candy candy but we don't let them eat a lot of candy you know you like one piece a night is cool like that's all you're allowed to eat you can't just eat candy all the

time it's fucking toxic yeah really it tastes great but it's not good for you especially when you get a little tiny 30 pound body you know you're four years old if you can eat that whole candy bar that's fucking crazy that's like me eating a laptop full of chocolate you know if you really think about it but uh anyway this little kid was uh in front of us she got her candy and then immediately ripped the thing apart just like you could like literally see her like a junkie like eating this candy she's a little chubby kid it was sad it was sad because i mean here's this kid she's six years old and she's all i mean around i don't know guessing but she's all chubbed out and just fucking wolfing down candy the moment she gets it just reaching into her bag you know it's a bad fucking habit they say that sugar is one of the

most addictive subjects um substances on earth. Yeah, there was a book called The Sugar Blues. Gloria Swanson, I think, wrote it, that actress. And she was one of the first ones to discover how bad it was for you. It's terrible. Yeah. It's terrible. You get used to doing it and used to eating it on a regular basis.

It becomes a part of your life and you just don't think anything of it. But sugar is fucking awful. It's just not good for good for you man it really can fuck with your head you just eat it all the time on a deal oh kevin smith i was talking to him about it the other day he just quit all sugar quit all processed sugar and you know he's he's just weight is falling off of his body just falling off of his body just because he's not taking in like sugar he'd be eating candy all day and he realized like holy shit i've been fucking medicating myself with candy and he didn't realize it until he quit and when he quit he was getting like depressed he felt like shit it took him like two weeks to normalize well it is weird i you know i've been you know battling alcohol and when i wake up and i don't drink the night before i can't believe how good i feel i can't believe this is what people that don't drink feel like are you hung

over from last night yeah but last week up to going to toronto i didn't drink for like four or five days and i it felt so great always you get the willpower kid i just like like dom says you just wake up once without drinking. You're like, oh, God, this is amazing. Why did I drink? Well, I worked at Brad Garrett's club in Vegas a couple weeks ago. It was one show a night. How fucking easy is that, right?

I could do that in a hammock. I do the one show, and I'm drinking martinis. And the Friday night, a week after that, I said to one of the waitresses at the Laugh Factory, MJ, she goes, what's the matter? I said, I'm hungover from Vegas. She says, oh, you just got back? I go, yeah, about six days ago. That's a problem. That's not good.

Yeah, that's a hurt. Yeah. Brad Garrett, you got a Brad Garrett t-shirt on now. No, but this is a different club. See, now Jamie owns that club, the Tropicana, the Laugh Factory, and Brad owns the one at the MGM. So this is vintage. This doesn't exist anymore. Oh, nice.

See what I mean, Mr. Rogan? Didn't want one of those t-shirts before. Now all of a sudden I want to get one. You can't have one. Is there any other ones laying around? I'll take the shirt off my back if I wasn't so embarrassed by my flabby chest. I like to get some t-shirts of clubs that don't exist anymore. Catch Rising Star.

I'd love to have an old Catch t-shirt. Catch Rising Star. We can make that shit. Just Google it. There's those websites you literally just send the graphic in and they'll send you a t-shirt back. They were cool shirts with little stars all over them. Yeah. I mean, I know we could

probably remake it, but I would love to have like a real one. Comedy Connection. I never threw my store shirts out, even though I fucking grew to hate the management.

I never threw their shirts out. I still have old school. Like, when I throw my old t-shirts out, I get to those store shirts. I want you to come back.

I want you to come back there if it makes you happy being back there. I might, man. I'm telling you i went there uh two weeks ago and ari filmed a special there i was there yeah i was there the night that you were upstairs you know a little number which you did mr a little number do you want to come thursday uh this thursday i can't i'm doing the ice house this thursday i'm doing the ice house and wednesday night i'm doing the uh improv so you're, I'm doing the Ice House, and Wednesday night, I'm doing the improv. So you're coming to my podcast before Christmas, my brother?

Yeah, when's that? Whenever we're doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll work it out. Definitely before Christmas. Yeah, let's do it in December. Fuck it. December, I'm here.

Fuck it. I'm a real room. You know, we never did one without Jamie there. Yeah, we did. We did one without Jamie. Oh, we did? Oh, okay. Yeah, remember, I requested it.

All right. What do you want? You want Jamie to be here? Fuck, no. What do you want next time? Who? Next time. Him or no him?

No him. All right. No. There's no need. Why do you and I need somebody else? We don't need anybody. I told you what they were- He gets in the way.

My podcast is called Dom Rarer Larp and Lab Factory, but- With Jamie Masada. What happened was, it's so funny how people generalize and stupidly prejudice against people who don't even deserve it. Jamie is Israeli. He's a Jewish from Iran through Israel to here. So he has quite a Middle Eastern accent. And people would tweet me,

Dom, love your show. You're very funny, but you got to lose a little Mexican. He's not even mexican he's brutal though the first one we did together it was brutal i love jamie as a person but as a on a podcast bobby wait let me say what really happened buddy let me say what really happened you could be in the middle of like a very important story you know this is not true you don't remember dom you don't remember you know frazier was on you know frazier's been travis smith frazier's on

frazier is a professional radio guy he knows what to do and he's saying something and jamie goes frazier you shut up i i you know like you're saying and i, Jamie, you can't tell your guest on a talk show to shut up. You know what I mean? You shut up. It's Jamie Masada show. Jamie could be like a character, though. That's one of the things about it. Especially with you and him together, because you always goof on him.

Like, he is kind of like a character on a show. It's almost like he's not real. I know. Like, he plays along. Well, he was a comic. Yeah. Sort of. And his best joke. You want to hear how bad his best joke was?

Please. He was going to go to an animal psychiatrist. Wait a minute. You know what? It's too bad to do. I can't even let the words come out of my mouth. Basically, he didn't want to tell his troubles to a German shepherd. That's actually pretty good.

I want to go to animal psychiatrist, but I don't want to tell my troubles to German shepherd. You're getting better at that, Joe. Is this thing on? Hello! Is this sound system working in here?

Remember Kinison's joke about an animal psychiatrist? No. And he goes, yeah, you hear about this scam? They're taking people to animal psychiatrists. He goes, give me some of that money. He goes, yeah, I'll take it. Yeah, it's fluffy. He's just not being himself anymore.

Okay, why don't you wait out in the hallway? Can you shut the door? First of all, he takes off his belt you're a fucking dog you shit in the yard bark you fuck then he brought him back out yeah yeah here's fluffy really worked out that'll be 35 dollars please it's like one of the old school ones from louder than hell from his uh original cd or cassette cassette at the time never released on cd you can get it on itunes now i like the desert one remember just move yeah it's a desert and it was a clean it was a clean joke it was one of his best jokes

a sort of clean we grabbed there it was about those people that you late night tv they used to have those sally struthers commercials yeah you're eating a sandwich. Give the kid a bite. It was about people living in the desert that are starving. And he goes, we drove here all the way from America and it occurred to us there wouldn't be world hunger if you people would live where the food is! You live in a fucking desert!

Come here! Come here! You know what that is? That's sand! You know what's going to be a hundred years from now? Fucking sand. We got deserts in America, too. We just don't live in them, asshole. He was a fucking gem. He was a gem. I still maintain that for like a year and a half, he was the best ever.

I think he never made, especially in context with the times. He was great, yeah. He was so unusual. Just so different. Like, no one was like unusual. Just so different. Like, nobody was like him. But just, fucking, ah!

Yeah, he was, he was on a, he knew he was gonna kill himself. Well, he died in a car accident by a drunk driver, which was so ironic

because he had those jokes about drinking and driving, how we're gonna continue to drink and drive. And then a fucking drunk driver hits him and kills him. It's fucking crazy. It's crazy to believe, man.

It's like like so ironic. When I first came to the comedy store, I was always glad Sam was there because I knew I wouldn't have to go in last. Because he would close the original room. He would always close it out, huh? Yeah. And people would come to see him too, right? Yeah, he showed up at that time. Early in his career, he had a draw.

A lot of porn people, showbiz people, you know. It was something special, man.. It was something special, man. That club's something special, man. I really felt it the other day. I was like, God. It is definitely different, too. It's a totally, I mean, Brian's been telling me this for a long time, as has Ari. It's when I knew I was going to go back because Ari's special.

So I went there the day before to watch the roast battle, which was fucking awesome. Who's the large gay gentleman to my left with the roast battle oh that's uh oh it was funny that guy I can't remember he used to work for g4 and he's worked on a ton of different find his name that dude was fucking hilarious you know what it is I just don't want you being limited to if you if you have a good time there I don't want to tell you what to do or be like the big brother on it. No, I'll be fine. I loved seeing you happy there because we can work. We're lucky enough to be able to work any of the clubs we want,

and they all treat us well. Why should you be out of one for something that doesn't even exist anymore? Well, now that Tommy's gone too, I had a dream about the store the other night. I had a dream that we were doing a variety show at a dream there was like we were doing like a variety show all started bleeding it was weird no it was like a weird like internet variety show that we're doing out of the store all these comics were participating in and i was a part of it it was really weird really weird dream because it felt super realistic yeah and it also felt like really like Like very comforting Like I felt like I was back home again It's very strange You know

That dude Guy Branum Fucking hilarious Yeah That dude's hilarious He's really funny There he is Oh yeah

Fucking dude is really funny He's really good He was killing me with the line The roast battle Between PDC and Who was the other gentleman? I can't remember. Was it Moses?

No, it was... Yeah. Gerard. Gerard, yes. Funny fucking... No, it wasn't. No, Gerard was the host of it. That's Brian Moses.

What? Yeah. No, Gerard was the host. No, but the Brian Moses is the host. No, no, Gerard was the host of this one. It was Pete C versus somebody else. Gerard. No, no, it wasn't.

No. Yeah. No. Brian Moses is the host every week. Yeah, but he didn't, listen, Gerard was hosting it. It was, the battle was between Pete C and this other dude. No. Gerard is.

Gerard is the young, really funny kid that Spike Lee did his... No, no, no. That's... It's a different Gerard. Yeah, it's Gerard Carmichael. Oh, okay. I got confused. So he was the host, though.

No, Brian Moses was the host. But Gerard Carmichael was hosting it. The guy who did the Spike TV thing, he was there. No, he wasn't there. What are you talking about? I'm being racist. No, I'm there. No, he wasn't there. What are you talking about? I'm being racist. No, I'm not. Now, Brian Moses

hosts this every week. It's his show. Okay. But yeah. Damn. He's a good one, though. That rap battle, though, was a lot of fun, wasn't it?

A lot of energy in that room. What's amazing right now is the Comedy Store is going through this thing where the Belly Room now is becoming the new room. It's like,

the Belly Room's on fire right now. I think comedy is just hot in la again don't you think yeah yeah comedy is definitely hot there's a lot of comics now these days i mean it's one of the beautiful things about the internet is that comics are getting a name without having to do television oh yeah you know that's what i was saying before what's the guy's name brian what moses yeah comedy is reaching this new place yeah it is brian moses i'm an idiot comedy is reaching this new place where you're starting to see like like what's her name um angela johnson i don't know yeah angela johnson from mad tv got fucking huge from a video that got passed around about Vietnam. About the nail salon, the Vietnam nail salon ladies. Oh, okay.

I know her. Dude, they look very similar. I got confused. Have you seen it? No. It's fucking great. It's a great video. I mean, it's hilarious shit.

But she, because of that one bit, was like a a middle act and people were coming to see her and then they would leave after her when the headliner would come up it was crazy like she was doing that a lot like that was like a big issue like she would show up at the improv crush and then these poor fucks would have to go on after her and like everybody would leave like and she was the headliner like so like then they started booking her as a headliner and i was someplace and i saw her um she was at i forget where it was san jose i think she's probably from san jose she's on this fucking giant billboard and a big part of that is from just a youtube clip isn't that incredible like russell peters that's another one russell peters became giant because a YouTube clip. He's so huge in Toronto. Yeah.

Jesus. He's fucking huge. Last week I worked with him on this show called Where's Papa or Come to Papa. Tom Papa did a thing at Largo. I thought it was going to be like 150 people. It was 600 people. I'm on stage. I got a scene with Matt Damon.

When I did my stand-up, I go, what am I doing on stage with Matt Damon? Matt Damon should be on stage. I should be at Bananas. But it was really, Russell's there. He's so fucking nuts. He shows me a picture of his hemorrhoids. I go, Russell, I got to eat again eventually. That's unnecessary.

He said, how did you do? How did you? Where did you? Who took that picture? He goes, selfie. It was a selfie. Who else is going to take a selfie? A selfie of his ass hemorrhoids have you seen all these bear selfies that people are taking it's like the latest trend no yeah well you know there's

places in this country especially new jersey where they have like a real bear problem they have overrun with bears oh bear i thought you were like, me too. I thought gay bear. No, no, no. That's more dangerous. Go get some rest, sweetie. That's probably more dangerous. Have you seen the video of the two bears duking it out in East Rutherford, New Jersey? Put this up. This is the craziest thing ever. It's a fucking residential suburb and these giant black bears are duking it out.

Put up East Rutherford, New Jersey black bear fight. It's crazy. It's amazing they survived. They're fucking huge, Dom. I mean, they're huge. These are big bears. And they have a problem because these bears, they get used to being around residential neighborhoods. And they break into these people's garbage.

And they start tearing shit up. And they fight on this fucking guy's lawn. Look at this. Look at these fuck fuckers look at the size of them turn the volume up so you can hear it oh this isn't the actual video this is a compilation but look at these fuckers i don't want to hear this broad talk she's giving play by play i could see this shit but they do if you get the original YouTube clip, Brian, it's better. Okay. Because you hear it, and you hear them going to war,

and the guy was filming it from his car. So he's sitting in his car, and these bears are fucking knocking over trash cans. They're biting the shit out of each other, and it's in a regular neighborhood. Like a regular fucking neighborhood has a bear problem. Joe, I was watching you these wolves and The wolves they would bite it and make it run and then it runs and they bite it again and make it run and they

Keep doing that until it just became exhausted and it collapsed and they fucking swarmed it 20-20 plus wolves who killed a grizzly bear just tore it apart and they did it all like a hundred yards from her house She's like watching it all in the dark. They have Kodiak bears. Kodiak or Kodiak? Yeah, that's from Grizzly Man, right? No. It's not? No. Battle of Giant Alaskan Grizzlies.

Yeah. Wow. Well, they definitely had that in Grizzly Man and the Werner Herzog documentary, a very similar battle of giant grizzly bears. But these bears are enormous. These are way bigger than those black bears you can see when you look at them like the mass in their arms like with a black bear you're talking about a big bear

being about seven feet this bear is 10 10 plus feet when you see them stand up it's just fucking incredible in that grizzly man documentary there's a scene where one of the bear stands on his hind legs and rubs his back up against a tree and you're just like good god it's like a 12 foot tall werewolf i mean it's this huge fucking animal they i don't think they're really 12 but i think they get to 11 i think they're really 11 feet tall it's like a real yeah well let's find out what's the tallest grizzly bear ever i'm gonna say tall it's a brown bear actually the brown bears and the grizzly bear ever? I'm going to say... It's a brown bear, actually. The brown bears and the grizzly bears are the same species, but brown bears live near the water when they get all the salmon,

and then the grizzlies are interior. They're deep inside, and the... I thought this video was pretty badass. Oh, those kangaroos duking it out? Yeah. I thought it was CGI at first because it just looks so ridiculous. Well, have you seen the one of the kangaroo choking the other kangaroo to sleep no we pulled it up for the first podcast but we never used it you got that jamie did you pull it up oh um pull up kangaroo

chokes out kangaroo i didn't know that they had such powerful tails that they could stand on. Yeah, they can do that. To kick. Yeah, it's kind of a weird thing. It's really thick, their tails. Size. Okay. The Kodiak Bear is the largest one.

Here we go. Every heavyweight boxer isn't even. What are you saying? Well, remember Eddie Ift told us when he first went to Australia, he saw a giant one and he thought it was a statue and then he came close and his friends are yelling mate get back in the car this fucking thing turned looked at me like realized it was alive i was like what the fuck they have wild ones there besides big yeah you see them they're so weird

to see kangaroo crossing that's bizarre well i was was just in Canada, and they have moose crossing signs everywhere. Everywhere you go, there's these giant signs with pictures of moose. Yeah, yeah. You got to worry about it. I was up there moose hunting, Mr. Herrera. Were you really? Fuck yeah. Want to see?

You're a better man than I am. Want to see a moose? No. No, you could do it. You would love it. This is the meat. You would enjoy the shit out of it. It's a good fucking time.

It's a crazy thing to do with your time this is uh brian callen said it best he said it's a forest horse look at that holy shit i'll put it up on instagram eventually but i'm preparing for everybody to be mad at me that i shot bullwinkle a bunch of people with leather fucking shoes on right yeah right assholes eating cheeseburgers mad at me i like i knew these people they're very rich and they had a thing for uh greenpeace or in vegas and they took a private jet you know like a whole save the environment thing right right if you care so much drive your prius you know yeah taking a private jet and looking to fucking fix the world. That's kind of cute. Did you see that fucking car that they just invented that runs on salt water?

Oh, that'd be great. There's a new car. Yeah, it's on my Twitter feed. They just figured out the way to make a car run on salt water. And the salt water car has some, there's something about the way it's constructed where the the salt water creates some sort of an electric charge inside of the uh yeah salt water car gets approval in europe look at fucking that plus it looks that's gonna kill the weight it's gonna kill the middle east huh it's gonna kill everything dude those people are dead it's gonna kill them they're gonna say we

turned out it does not work. This fucking car is going to be able to, you're going to be able to fill up at the ocean. Yeah. You know? Now, that's interesting because if this catches on, then we're going to just empty our oceans out because we're using an ocean as fuel, right? We don't have enough cars for that. Well, that would be good if it coincided with global warming, then we wouldn't have to worry about beachfront property.

Right. We could keep it stable. If they could manage it, like, the same way they manage wildlife populations, like, manage how much water we pull out of the ocean. It's pretty car, though. But the people in the Midwest, they're going to have a problem. They're going to need our ocean water. We're going to have to fucking tube it. Put a big, giant fucking pipe.

It all sounded insane at first on Rogan's podcast, and it all came to fruition. But isn't that strange that there actually is, I mean, this is a real thing. They actually figured out a way to make a car run on salt water. Obviously, I'm talking out of my ass, because maybe it only works to a certain extent. Maybe it doesn't have a good range. But I think it runs for 300 plus miles. Look at it. It's fucking cool looking, too.

Huge performance. We have four engines to 170 kilowatt power. It means 920 horsepower. That's incredible. Look at that guy's hair. I don't trust him at all. Yeah, right. Don't roofie me, fuck.

300 kilometers per hour over 300 kilometers per hour and 300 kilometers per hour that's 150 miles or something like that yeah that's amazing wow god that's amazing that's amazing man we're gonna we live in strange times man fucking strange times it's weird it strange times. It's weird. It's weird that someone figured that out. After all these years, the combustion engine, they figured out how to make one of the ones on salt water. I can't imagine that they still don't know how to really desalinate water.

They do. They do. But we have the droughts here. I know. Why does anybody help that with us? It's probably money. It's really, really expensive. You have to make these big, pretty much steam factories on the side of the ocean

where it takes the water in and it steams it and makes it... Is that how they do it? Yeah. They heat it up? Yeah. I mean, they do it. They do it at a lot of naval bases and stuff like that, but it's a really expensive process, I think.

Yeah, you would think they would have perfected that by now, made it much better. Yeah. Someone is probably going crazy listening to this righted that by now, made it much better. Yeah. Someone is probably going crazy listening to this right now that actually knows how they do it. No! That fucking steam!

But yeah, you feel like you're right next to the ocean. If you have a water shortage and there's water everywhere, that seems like there's got to be a way to get that into that. Hmm.

Well, everything's brown over here. Everything's wet over there. If we get that over here, everything's green. If they do figure that out, holy shit, brown over here. Everything's wet over there. If we get that over here, everything's green. If they do figure that out, holy shit, we're LAB awesome. Oh, yeah.

Be green everywhere. Yeah. People just start living in the jungle out here. Love jungle. Jungle right outside of Santa Monica. Jungle boogie.

Dun-dun-dun-dun. Jungle boogie. Tom O'Reilly, I know you gotta get out of here. You got a gig tonight? No, I got people coming over for football. Oh, a little bit of football. The Eagles are playing.

Go, Birds. You going to tie one on? No. No. I got to fly to Toronto tomorrow. Good for you. The night before, I don't get drunk. Massey Hall tomorrow with Russell?

Is that what you're doing? Not with Russell. With Gabriel. Oh, with Gabriel. That's right. I know we're at Massey Hall. We're at Hamilton. We're at Ottawa. Beautiful. I know we're at Massey Hall twice. Glorious, with Gabriel. Oh, with Gabriel. That's right. I know we're in Massey Hill. We're in Hamilton. We're in Ottawa.

Beautiful. I think we're in Massey Hill twice. Glorious, me brother. Do you update your website? No, but I have a guy that does it. Twitter, though? How do you update Twitter? Do you do it?

Yeah. Do you do anything on Twitter? At Dom Herrera. Okay. I-R-R-E-R-A. Yeah. Not I-R-E-R-R-A. Is there anyone that does that?

Oh, yeah. All the time. They fuck with you? R-R-R. Yeah. Not I-R-E-R-R-A. Is there anyone that does that? Oh, yeah. All the time. They fuck with you? R-R-R. I told you. Is there anyone who has a fake Dominaria account that's the other one? I don't know. Should I put the real Dominaria?

No. No. The name's perfect. Make people figure it out. All right. It's not hard. Is that difficult, Brian? No.

A lot of people tweet me because of you. A lot of people tweet me because of you, too. I love you, Joey. I love you, too, buddy. I love you, too. Thanks for having me on, brother. Dude, always a pleasure. My brother.

Brian, anything coming up you want to tell people about? I got a secret show Thursday at the Comedy Store, and I'll be in San Diego. Who is on the secret show, Brian? I don't know yet. Is it a secret? It is. That's ridiculous. Are you at the store in San Diego? Who is on the secret show, Brian? I don't know yet. Is it a secret? It is. That's ridiculous. Are you at the store in San Diego?

No, no. I'll be, I forget where. I'm going to be with Doug Benson somewhere the day before Thanksgiving. Next Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I'm at the Ontario Improv. It's almost sold out. Oh, cool. That's the 21st, 22nd, and 23rd. So good!

And the 21st is when my new Comedy Central special Airs for the first time That Friday night On Comedy Central That's why it's Comedy Central special Joe what is Friday and Saturday The dates

The 21st 22nd Of November Where you at Bananas Bananas South Hasbro Kites

Beautiful Alright Dom Rivera I love the fucking shit Out of you You're the best You're the best you're the best come on it was fun it was fun

and we're gonna put that song online folks too so you can get a hold of some glorious Dom Herrera tunes alright until then much love big kiss

Daniele Bolelli tomorrow