The Joe Rogan Experience - #583 - Bill Burr

Episode Date: December 3, 2014

Bill Burr is a standup comedian and also hosts his own podcast called "Monday Morning Podcast" available on Spotify. His latest special "I'm Sorry You Feel That Way" premieres on Netflix on December 5th, 2014.

I'm always trying to type faster than that commercial and I always fail so I'm trying to tweet this live in the moment and then stare at it with my ever shittier eyes. Oh yeah tell me am I supposed to tweet that I'm doing this right now? I just tweeted it. I'll do it. in the moment and then stare at it with my ever shittier eyes. Oh, yeah. Tell me. Am I supposed to tweet that I'm doing this right now? I just tweeted it. I'll do it.

You can retweet it. That way it'll be... Retweeted? My eyes are fine until I stare at my fucking computer too much. No, they get screwed up and then you try to look at the TV and you can't see what's going on.

It's guaranteed. It's age, but it's also... I don't think screens are good for you no just have you ever like taking a picture with your cell phone of a screen and then you see those lines that you can't see like whatever the fuck those are well that's it's actually just your phones the aperture on the camera is not able to catch up with the flickering images is that what it is that's not fucking with your eyes so then if i'm looking through this screen at that that doesn't

fuck with my eyes i think it's the actual strain of staring at something that's lit up so close to your face that's really fucking with you more than anything. Isn't that correct? Is that the correct aperture? Is that the correct terminology? You're squinting. You're reading. You're squinting your eyes.

You don't even realize it. Yeah, but that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about the flashing thing. The flashing thing. It's just your camera can't catch shutter speed. Is that what it is? thing the flashing thing like it's just your camera can't catch shutter speed is that what it is um like if you watch uh cars if you see videos of cars that have lcd lenses there's something happens when you film them it looks like they're flashing it's a different refresh rate usually

yeah it's weird i i don't like any of that shit which is why my new special i actually did it in black and white because i don't like HD TV. I don't like seeing somebody's pores as they're talking to me. Like HD at this point was great. And then it got to a point where it was too real. It's clearer than real life. Like I went to a game at Dallas Cowboys football stadium. And they got this giant fucking TV.

Classic Texas, right? We got the biggest fucking TV, you know? Right. That means we're the best and it was so clear it looked realer than what was going on in the field and you I'd like pull my at the visor down on my my my head because I kept wanting to look at that Tony Romo was like right in front of me the promoter hooked me up with these great seats he's fucking right there and I'm looking up further away than he is for me looking up at this giant fucking tv it's also an instinct to look at screens i see that a lot at the ufc

people are there babies do it yeah everybody does it's an instinct to stare because it's so captivating you know and we're used to staring at screens so like if you're at a sporting event and there's a screen there you just automatically start gravitating towards that screen for some i look at the screens here i usually always just look right here instead of looking right there well you should you're actually running shit you're supposed to do that and make sure that nothing's exploding there's no demons behind us that we don't know about yeah i'm not a fan of uh technology electronics i like some but it just i feel like all the benefits of it are are taken away and then some with the crashing with the refreshing with the what the fuck just happened with the oh now this is outdated and i have to buy a new one and then i throw this one into the fucking

ocean i go back and forth i love it in a lot of ways because i'm i'm just fascinated by innovation i'm fascinated by these new things that these new people keep inventing. But there's also part of me that realizes at a certain point in time, it's not benefiting us anymore. It's not like making our lives easier. It's just making things more connected to electronics. It's making you more into whatever world the electronics create. Yeah, somewhere in the 90s, we pretty much plateaued.

Maybe we were fine. And even people say, well, what about medical stuff and like helping people out and everything, helping them live long and cure disease and everything. That basically kills the rest of us to keep that other person alive. And then they're still alive,

taking a shit that ends up in a river and just keeps polluting more and more. We're just like, we're all over the fucking place and it really needs to shrink down. Like the technology, I don't think would be a problem if there weren't so everybody has a fucking laptop so many people have laptops and shirts and all this shit that we just keep buying and then throwing out like you know that whole put litter in its place you ever think about that it's like when they pick it up where do you think it goes do you think it leaves earth it just goes

somewhere else we don't have to look at it and it's just fucking sitting there what's going to happen is they're going to figure out a way to take everything that we make and turn it into either a product or turn it into fuel like whenever we make something and we have to throw it out it'll just become fuel for something else do you know how many people would have to agree just to even get that ball even slightly moving they were just somehow jesus would be brought up and somehow uh just something them versus us republican democrat liberal conservative and nothing would get done and they would just sit there screaming at each other maybe or maybe they could figure out a way to actually use whatever the fuck pollution is like whatever carbon goes into the atmosphere, pull that out

and convert that into energy. I guarantee you there's probably some fucking nerds that already know how to do something along those lines. Maybe not to that level, but at least take the shit

from down the dump. You know they know how to do it. There's just no money in it and it's just like, you know. They probably get checks to not do it, right? Yeah, things are done. Oil companies show up

with hookers and fucking just a fucking big freight train full of money come on boys it's a party yeah don't do that then we got to get all new machines that's going to cost us a bunch of money just do it the way we do it until we die and then you guys can do it how you want to do it by then someone else is bought into the deal so i am completely pessimistic when it comes to that shit people think that that's all bullshit that like those kind of conspiracies don't exist come on you guys are just nuts this is stupid nobody would do that if they could get rid of the pollution they would but if getting rid of the pollution costs somebody money i guarantee you there'd be somebody to try to cock block it

yeah there would be if there was a guy like the the classic william randolph hearst story i don't you know this but the reason why marijuana became illegal wasn't because there was a guy like the the classic william randolph hearst story i don't know if you know this but the reason why marijuana became illegal wasn't because there was a problem with people smoking marijuana it was because william randolph hearst owned paper mills and he also owned newspapers and so he was going to have to convert his paper mills over to hemp paper because it's way easier to grow you refill an entire forest in like a year. Like you chop them down. He had that kind of power? Oh, yeah. I mean, he owned a lot of newspapers. I know.

He was the reason why Rosebud was, you know, that whole Citizen Kane movie. He's got the giant castle up the coast. Yeah. He was fucking crazy. But he had so much money and so much power that he could just print fake stories. So he wrote these stories about blacks and Mexicans. I'm sure he didn't write them, but he commissioned them. Blacks and Mexicans smoking this new drug called marijuana and having

sex with all these white women. Like that wasn't even what they called marijuana. If he actually did that, I wonder how many people died because of that story. Oh God, a lot. I'm sure. A lot. People in jail. I mean, just think about that. That was in the 1930s and it's still stuck. It was all about hemp. It wasn't even about marijuana. They weren't even worried about the drug. The drug was commonly used amongst jazz singers and all these other people would smoke pot. It was a normal thing. The real issue was the hemp, like the commodity, the non-psychoactive hemp. They were worried about it taking over and having to spend millions of dollars to convert all of his paper plants to hemp paper

Now you just want to smoke weed Who don't believe in conspiracy is funny to me it's like dude you conspire you go to a bar you see two hot chicks You come up with a game plan That's a conspiracy you conspiring to get over there and try and fuck them to sit there and like like all advertising they're you're it's a conspiracy what the fuck i'm doing here now selling my special you don't conspire yeah you think i just showed up here yeah we conspire we i was like no joe rogan's got a zillion fucking followers he's a fan of my shit i know it's gonna come off good this will get me more like i yeah i want i want this to keep going i'm just not randomly doing this shit

you're conspiring yeah but just because i'm not whacking a president in the middle of it doesn't mean it's not a conspiracy well the shit like the enron disaster that went down that was a conspiracy there's a bunch of conspiracies that you could see in clear form that actually did happen well the best thing they did is they they made conspiracies synonymous with moronic thought and everybody says oh you're putting your tin hat on it's like this whole country came about through a conspiracy the revolution was not a spontaneous act people sat there and was like okay we're going to rebel against these fuckers well they're going to hang us as traitors if we don't pull this off they came up with a game plan if you want to call it that. But if they lost, they would have been talking about this treasonous conspiracy

by all these guys that are now on our money. Right? Right? Wouldn't that be it? It's so true. It's so true. Yeah, but if you say you're into any sort of conspiracy, that automatically means you think 9-11 was an inside job

and that the moon was made out of cheese. Well, 9-11 is the best one, because this is the one that I always use. It's my favorite one. When people don't believe in conspiracies, I say, do you believe that 9-11 happened? And they say yes. Well, then you believe in conspiracies,

because people conspired to fucking hijack planes and fly them into buildings. Right, right, right. But my whole thing with that, you know, that Americans were involved, and then that, I mean, give me a fucking break, okay? There's not a... Right out of, right. But my whole thing with that, you know, that Americans were involved and then that, I mean, give me a fucking break, okay? There's not a...

Right out of the gate, you got to be like, okay, so who wants to fly it in and die? Dick, I'd like to do that. I mean, you got to have an absolute fucking nut job to do something like that. So do you got to have them...

I mean, I don't think we've ever even... We've never had kamikazes. You've never been able to get Americans to be like, listen, I'll go over there and try and fuck some people up. But if you think I'm going to fly some shit into something... Or walk into a cafe strapped up with a bomb. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, we're not doing that.

No Americans doing that. No, no, no. We've had guys jump on grenades to save other people. But to run into a pizza hut. Yeah, that's not our style. Yeah, that's not our style. We're not into suicide bombing. Yeah, we're into doing it from 60,000 feet and calling it freedom.

With an Xbox. The funny thing about the original suicide bombers, the kamikazes, is they were all methed out. I didn't realize that until a few years ago i didn't even know that meth was like an important part of their diet back then i never saw that in the ken burns documentary where you getting that information it's apparently just a historical fact and even there was a recent report on hitler hitler himself was on a litany of medication and one of them was meth they were giving a meth they would give meth to people but I don't fault him for that dude the amount of energy that that guy put out during his speeches needed something to level off forget about the

screaming and yelling just sitting that still waiting for the right moment building them into that that frenzy do you watch that Michael Jackson documentary right before he died? Yeah. Where he would just freeze after he did a dance move? Yeah. Let it simmer. Let it simmer.

That's Hitler shit. Just sitting in that fucking chair. Just getting him crazy. Just wanting to hear or see the next thing. What's he going to do? It's timing. It's fucking timing. Some people are perfect at it.

I've never had the balls to do that on stage. The Michael Jackson-Hitler simmer moment. You would have to have a real reason. Dude, we got to do that tonight at the comedy store. All right? Okay. We got to have a... You got to have...

Oh, dude, if we had some of the technology, I could be in your ear. Tell him I want to simmer. You had to keep a straight face after a punchline as you're looking down at some fucked up pose. I'm just going, let it simmer. Let it simmer, Bill. Let it simmer. And release simmer, Bill. Let it simmer. And release. So my dad was crazy.

But comedy clubs are filled with drunks and it's nothing. You know, the thing about a guy like Michael Jackson, he's up there doing some shit you can't do.

He's spinning and moonwalking and it's an acrobatic event. But you see a guy like you or a guy like me on stage, he's talking. You know, you're like you or a guy like me on stage talking. You're like, I can fucking talk. We all look like gym teachers.

Especially after you get a couple of drinks. Just coming out like we're going to do roll call. Yeah, you have a couple of drinks. I can fucking talk. I know how to talk. I can't moonwalk, but I can fucking talk. Yeah, exactly. So you can't hold those pauses to them.

It's like the green light. Fucking queer. That's right. They can't help it. They can't hold those pauses to them. It's like the green light. Fucking queer! They can't help it. They can't help it. Those big juicy pauses. There's just this opening. They could say something funny too. Like when it happens in a movie theater, most of the time it's retarded.

But every now and then someone will yell something out in a movie theater and it's fucking hilarious. And then that guy, you know, he becomes a hero for for that crowd he just killed there's always that one guy doing sporting events like now we like to take a moment of silence for all the victims yeah the fucking uh outhouse fire and everybody shuts up and it's like just we just want you to remain quiet for 30 seconds there's always that guy 20 seconds and you just hear this guy go yeah like! Like, let's wrap it up. I want to see what I came here

to pay for. Why do you need those fucking moments of silence? Like, you know, you could do like a 10 count at a boxing match

if, you know, Lou DiBella dies or something like that or one of those guys. What was his name? Lou, what was the famous guy that had like the worst skin?

No, no, no. There's this famous... He did funny film videos. Lou... God damn it. Wallach. I don't remember his name. Alcindor.

He was... He was famous all throughout the... Lou Grant. 1980s. He used to train Meldrick Taylor. I don't remember. Anyway, the point is he looked like the most unhealthy guy ever. Lou Duva.

That's it. Damn! Lou Duva. That's it. Damn! Lou Duva. You nailed it. Pull up a picture of Lou Duva just so everybody knows what the fuck we're talking about. But he was, you know, when he died, I'm sure they had a 10 count for a guy like that. A 10 count, okay. But those fucking 30 seconds of silence, come on, man.

He had to pay for that wonderful head of hair, man. You have to see what this dude looks like. I didn't remember what he looked like. Page not found. That's what it looks like. He looked like an older Freddie Blassie. Classy Freddie Blassie? Nobody? There he is. Little duva. Come on, seriously. That might be the most

unhealthy looking man that's ever lived. Yeah, but that's right towards the end, man. Even when he was like 12, I bet he looked like that. He had that Elvis hair. He did have some good hair. Yeah, he did. did fonzie hair for his whole fucking life i'm so jealous anyway point being those uh moments that you do in like that kind of a performance and plus if michael jackson's doing it there's fucking 30 000 people there and you know he's 30 at least 60 80 that guy huge numbers yeah what was like the biggest

place he's ever done is probably like hundreds of thousands you know you know the original family that owned the new england patriots they went bankrupt on the michael jackson victory tour when he went out with uh with all of his brothers uh the son put the thing together and i don't know if this is true so i I got to preface this, but a promoter in Boston told me this, because forever, like Michael Jackson was going to go to Foxborough Stadium where the Patriots were playing, and they promoted the show and all the tickets,

and he had that pay or play, whatever they're called. No matter what, you got to pay the guy. And the town of Foxborough said, no, we don't want this show. We don't want all these black people coming out here. All right. That's what it was. That's what it was. That's what it was.

I mean, white people got too crazy on Monday night, and they stopped having Monday night football for like 20 years. Like, Foxborough was like, we're not having this. Really? This is a quiet little town. Have your football game during the day on Sunday, and then get the fuck out of here. So they canceled the show,

and I thought the amount of money lost on that show, they were close enough that that brought them under. But what this promoter was claiming was this guy actually promoted the whole tour. And when he was doing the finances, he didn't take into consideration how big Michael Jackson's stage was and how many seats that that was going to eat up. He had this giant ass fucking stage that was eating up like tens of thousands of dollars a night times all of these fucking dates and when he tried to get him go hey mike can you just have a smaller stage blah blah i guess he was competing with prince and was saying like no because if i have a smaller stage prince will have a bigger stage and i i gotta make sure my shit is bigger than his of course he said that

in a falsetto i don't know if this is true but like this is the story this guy told me it blew my mind i was like oh I always thought they went broke just because of that one fucking date that he cancelled that and I just figured you know there's 60,000 people there

that's what reminded me talking about 60,000 people all paid that money and he still had to give them a cut of that and they just didn't have it that actually does make sense the size of the stage thing

that totally makes sense yeah because there's a comedy club that did that in New York where they for some reason they moved the stage out away from the wall and they had this little small club and they moved it away from the wall so the waitresses could walk behind the stage behind this wall and like they took out like five or six tables and all the other comedy clubs were laughing and they figured out how much money they fucked themselves out of over the course of a year

you know doing shows two three shows a night times six seven days like they were fucking themselves out of like three quarters of a million dollars a year so they hadn't and they they ended up having to move the wall that was fucking hilarious everybody from day one is just like this is stupid it was already one of those rooms that was kind of shaped it's not the cellar but it was shaped like the cellar where it's like you're standing sideways in a rectangle right so you kind of got to angle yourself and they took that shit and moved you further into the crowd so it was almost like like you're in the round almost yeah but only on but the people are on two sides there's a place like that in san francisco there's a theater that i did that's like that it's weird you the stage goes out into the crowd and like so people are behind you and to the left and behind you and to the right it's very

strange you did that thing with me right yeah yeah that was weird right right i don't think you ever want to be sitting behind a performance no well i'm doing a theater in the round in phoenix just celebrity theater yeah just because it'll be weird no i've done it a few times before what you do oh you've done this before i just start the joke on this side and then turn and end on that side and i just really try to be conscious of sections yeah like dane said the most brilliant thing about the uh the the theater and the round he goes it's four theaters just look at it that way it's four theaters just all stuck together you just sort of perform in one theater then this one and then that one over there and then i just think you do it like the the the three card monty you just sort of switch it up like you don't right right

right as you go around but i know i know people that have seen comics i'll do a theater in the round they'll be like so and so is here and he didn't move with like one of those comics it just stands there with the mic and the mic stand so they were in the back and they're just sitting there and one of them had like a slow turning stage right so eventually he just said dude 20 more jokes he's gonna be looking at it

so he made the stage turn while he was up there no no they have a stage that turns and I think that's for musical acts where you have a drum

drum kit and amps planted so they're not moving but it's also for I think like performers who just want to stand there and not

move around I think it's spun around like they're on a fucking carousel. You did that one. Very slowly. Very slowly it spins around. Done it a few times. Yeah, the one that turns though. Yeah, but it turns very slowly.

Very slowly. Yeah, it's the same place. The Celebrity Theater. That's the one we're talking about. Yeah, I forgot that it turns. Yeah, and they ask you the option. Do you want the stage turned on? Do you want it to be turning?

I'm definitely going to say yes. I'm definitely going to say yes. Oh, I always say no. It's like, I don't need that. I want it just for, because it's weird. Yeah. Well, if they could speed it up,

you could literally just be running in place doing a whole fucking joke running against it. My goal is to do so many shots while I'm on stage that I can't figure out where the stool is

at any given time. It could be anywhere. It's moving around. No way. No. I was going to say, no way. I've been drunk twice on stage. Twice? Twice. In 20-something years.

Yeah, it's not the best move. Every now and then, though, it's the right thing to do. Once I was in Ireland, so that's not my fault. And the other time I was coming back from a Yankees-Red Sox game and didn't know I was going to have a show. And somebody called up, hey, I had a falling out. Can you come down and do the show? And I thought I was one of those like yeah i'll do and i just went

up there and i was like i was just like oh shit i had to slow way down and had a very very uh subpar fucking show was bad so you had to slow way down just to get your mouth to work right yes which killed the timing of everything so i i bombed very slowly i see that with um that the term punch drunk that's like a term that people don't like but that's uh that's exactly what it's like that same thing where you know you're a little fucked up so you have to struggle to get your words out like you can see that in fighters it's the exact same thing it's why they call it punch drunk. It's not just they sound like they're drunk, but the same thing. Like you have to struggle to control your situation. And then when those guys get drunk, that's when you see guys that are really punch drunk.

When guys that have been punch drunk get drunk. Because then you see they have a hard time. Yeah. Because they have a really hard time controlling the words then. Then it's just a mangled mess. It's hard to understand. have a really hard time controlling the words then then it's just a it's a mangled mess it's i've been watching the uh that that ufc the uh what do you call when they stick them in the house and all that shit ultimate fighter the ultimate fighter and it's all women and like i remember

last time i did your podcast i was against it like women in the octagon it's like they like why would you do that they're beautiful why would you punch each other in the face and i want to see a jab to your breasts and shit it's just i didn't want to see it and now i don't even notice it anymore and it's it's unbelievably fucking entertaining you don't notice that they're girls anymore no no they're great fights and it's guys are already good at talking shit and fucking not liking each other but just women just take it to that extra fucking level. That shit talking, and then the fact that they can beat the fuck out of you. And then it's funny as a guy to be just watching it going like,

there is not one woman in this house that I could even get on the floor. Like these women would all just mop the floor with me. There's a fucking hilarious YouTube video. Somebody tweeted it to me, and I don't know, I just lost it in the ether. It was this girl it just

starts right in it was almost one of those six second videos whatever the fucking kids call them and you knew this kid had a little bit of training and this girl had more training and she came at him and it was like she climbed up his body like stepped on his fucking thigh and then was behind him and the video ends with him just grabbing like this as it's rear naked going you know he was out before he went and the whole party just goes, oh, and it ends. And I fucking died laughing, but going like, I wouldn't even have lasted as long as that kid did. Cause it seemed like he knew a little bit of a defense,

a little bit of defense. Like I have a great Ronda Rousey bit of like, what it would be like to date her if she was actually physically abusive, but I just can't do the pratfall i want to act like you know her big move is she does that fucking throw and you go over her hip right and just you fucking landing on the ground you're like in a relationship with her oh armbar real mature real mature you're like i know i tapped out that doesn't mean because you're right i didn't want my arm broken and then she comes out you to knock down the stool to try to have something in between you and her. I think a chick like that probably has to date a fighter, if I had to guess.

She probably has to date some guy who also knows how to do what she does. I just couldn't imagine. Dude, if I dated her, I'd be out in the kitchen like an apron, just like making her food and shit. Just waiting for her to look at me sideways. She'd fuck me up. Almost every female fighter does they all date fighters they just does just seems like you know a girl being in a position like that where she could just beat the fuck out of her boyfriend i don't think chicks like that that's i never looked at it that way because i always thought it was

hilarious like i i could date somebody like that i would think it was funny that they could kick the shit and when my guy friends gave me shit i'd be like yeah man she kicked the shit out of me and you i think it's funny but like i never looked at it like because even though they're like like these lethal weapons now there is still there could possibly still i should say i don't want to speak for him that this female male relationship where that they still want the guy to be able to protect them yeah and it's just kind of like, yeah, dude, that's funny. Because then they're just sort of rendering you useless. Because they're already making a zillion dollars.

So there goes your, I'm providing. I can protect you, dude. I can kick your ass. And then I can also have a kid. So you're basically now like a 45-year-old teenager. It just gives you a little height share. You know what I like about watching female fights? It's a self-sustained unit.

I think it's fucking awesome. What I like about watching female fights is that they're more reliant on technique because they don't have overwhelming physical strength. There's certain guys that have overwhelming physical strength and abilities. Oh, they can plow through defects in that game? Yeah, they can muscle things. They just hit really hard. So sometimes they have muscle things. They just hit really hard. So sometimes they have shitty technique.

They throw windmill punches. But with a lot of women, what you're getting is the purest technique you can get. This isn't good. I'd like to be a gentleman with my opponent. Give him plenty of time to see it coming. And let him know the kaboches are always coming from the same direction. If you see the left, the next one's the right.

If you see the right, the next one's the left. Rock them, sock them. Yeah, don't get tricky with fucking double lefts. It's a linear story. It's a linear story. This isn't Tarantino. We're dancing here, okay? Left, right, left, right. But with chicks, they're forced to use more technique. Obviously, there's a curve as far as physical strength.

There's someone like Serena Williams, who's obviously a very physically strong girl. And there's other girls that are not as physically strong. She'd throw me over a couch, and you know when you hit the window sideways and then slide down? She's so physically impressive. Her legs and the strength that she has i was at i was at a party one time uh some agency i used to be at and they also represented her and you forget your agency also represents you know athletes because they want to like fucking you know make money off of selling doritos or whatever right and she was at the party with a basketball player so he was

like you know so they were a proportioned couple like i felt like a dwarf dude like she was like you know so they were a proportioned couple like i felt like a dwarf dude like she was like uh just like it was totally gorgeous totally in proportion just like like super athlete dude marvel comic yeah body it's like going like dude you you should be wearing a fucking cape it's just no and it's just you know you just see people like that and you just go like oh yeah that's why like you always sit there in the back of your head as you're watching some quarterback that sucks going, hey, what if I did some more sit-ups? What if I could throw against my body like fucking Brett Favre but not throw an interception,

and then you actually run into the real athletes? Dude, I saw Joe Theismann, who always looked like a little fella. You know, when he was out there, he had the one little bar here. He got his leg broken. He always looked just so small when he was out there. I saw the guy little bar here. He got his leg broken. He always looked just so small when he was out there. I saw the guy in a mall. He's like 6'1 and still jacked. I'm like almost 5'10.

I'm just going like, this guy would fucking drop me. How did he get his leg fixed? Did they put bars in it and pins and shit? How did he get his legs fixed? Imagine. I haven't been in contact with anybody at the hospital, Jeff. Did that end his career that was my my question yes it did that was the last play he watched he said i remember

time he said he watched the replay one time uh and that was that was it for him and uh and i actually when uh silva broke his leg i think that reminded me of that that compound fracture just like oh my god oh my god i can't even imagine the pain and then going into the shock and then the fact now is he's coming back right silvers yeah january he's gonna fight to fucking sit there after you went through that and you're just the first time you start throwing kicks with that leg again just like the level of whatever that is i don't have that anywhere in my life. If I ever fucking broke my leg like that doing stand-up,

that's it. I'd open a comedy club. You should go up on stage. No, no, no. I don't want to do that anymore. He's at the end of his career. He's got a few years left fighting, and he has an opportunity to still make a lot of money,

and I think he's probably just going to make as much money as he can over the next few years and then get out. Now, what is that rumor that I hear that if you break a bone, this is such a bottom line. It heals stronger. It heals stronger, dude. Sort of. I mean, it's less likely to break in the area where it broke. It's less likely to break there. It gets knotted up and thick, but I'm not necessarily sure it gets stronger.

I was going to say, thank you, Dr. Rogan. I was going to say, why am I asking you these fucking questions? I do know a lot about broken bones. This is how I learn all of my shit. Asking people. Who don't have the job. Asking non-experts. How does UPS get all those packages to everybody overnight?

If you ever have questions like that and you want answers, ask Brian Cowan. And even if he doesn't know the answer, he'll fucking keep keep going he will come up with something that's a logical just out of pure insecurity of just not knowing the answer he just has to fucking answer yeah he'll fucking argue about some shit he's not educated in at all i love but he also has a shitload of fucking information in his head brian is like one of the best I've ever met at being able to pull quotes out of the air

about books that he's read like constantly he's reading books but yeah you hang with him for one three minutes you realize he's out of his fucking mind oh he's crazy

but he's the best I love him I love him but he's out of his fucking mind he's definitely crazy his fucking mind is going like a thousand RPMs constantly

always dude whenever I talk to him you just gotta do the ollie you lay against the ropes crazy. His fucking mind is going like a thousand RPMs constantly. Always. Dude, whenever I talk to him, you just gotta do the Ali you lay against the ropes and just let all the information come at you and then you get him with one and then you come back. Oh, and by the way What are you doing? You got a pair of shoulders on you.

I bet you got a piece on you. Got a piece on you. I went hunting with him. It was five I mean, I've done it three times now. It's five off your knuckles. I bet you got a piece on you. Yeah. Got a piece on you. I went hunting with him. It was five, I mean, I've done it three times now, but it's five days of gay jokes. Of him scaring fish by not shutting up. He really should be here. People are going to think I don't like him. I love him.

I love him, too. I love him. I just like trashing him. He knows what he does. That's part of his charm is that he likes to make fun of himself. Did he go up and talk to the bear and ask him what he's doing to get those back muscles? He would. Look at that bear.

Bear's cock's almost as big as mine. I gotta find out. But we were for five days. You think if I walked around on all fours and occasionally stood up? I'd be like a bear. I'd be like a bear. Without all that hair. Five days every time. It's just constantly the brian callan show because you can just wind

him up he's just that guy he's always on he's never not fun like he's never i never call brian he's depressed you know if he is depressed to be depressed for a couple minutes and then he'll just start talking about something and i'll start talking about his lean muscle mass or you know how he's built for dance. And he'll just go into something. And then next thing you know, you're laughing. He just doesn't want that uncomfortable silence. No, he's like, what's his face at the end of the Hulk?

Phil Bixby? Yeah. Instead of walking away from the town, those are his troubles. Do you know that the Hulk, they changed the Hulk's name? I just want to keep trashing him until people show him this clip so I get on his show again. They changed the Hulk's name in the 1970s. Is this from Land of the Lost, by the way? The Piece of Salt?

No, that's from the Hippie Warehouse. Oh. These ideas, these salt crystal lamps, they're supposed to somehow or another generate positive ions and- Saltify the air. Float through the air and make you feel better. Robert Banner was Bill Bixby's character's name on the Hulk. But the real name is Bruce Banner. But they changed it from Bruce to Robert for TV because they thought Bruce was a gay name.

Bruce. Bruce. Bruce, are you angry again? Don't get mad. Right? God, you were so green last night. It was so embarrassing, and you ruined your pants again. How did Bruce become a gay name?

It's like Bruce for the longest time was like, you know, Bruce. I was going to say Bruce Jenner, but I guess that's a bad example now. It was a good example a few years back. Dude, that guy. What's going on? He good example a few years back. Dude, that guy. What's going on? He was such a good-looking guy. Yeah, not anymore. There was never anything wrong with his nose.

He's becoming a good-looking older lady, though. That's what's going on. Hey, God bless him if it makes him happy. Exactly. What are you going to do? God bless him if it makes him happy. I just don't. Just watching people fucking.

Age badly. No, attacking their face. Yeah. It's a weird thing that people do. They want to change it, and then they think when they change it, it looks better. It just looks different for the most part. Dude, how much of a hug do you need if you're staring at your throat in the mirror, like sideways holding a mirror going, I don't like my Adam's apple. I don't even know what my Adam's apple looks like.

I couldn't pick out my Adam's apple in a fucking lineup. I don't think I've ever looked at it. I think his deal, and I'm just guessing, is that he's probably transitioning to being a woman. If I had to guess. I think that's probably a pretty safe estimate at this point. He's grown his hair long. His nails are long. He had his neck operated on.

Now, do you think he'll come up with an original name? Or do you think he'll just do... He's got fingernail polish on now man do you think he'll he'll uh okay he'll go with a um a new name like brucina yeah that's what i'm saying do you think he'll go hacky and just make his name effeminate like bill? No, I bet he has a fucking full character that he becomes when he becomes a woman. Let me see. Bring him back up. Bring him back up. Those nails.

I mean, first of all, if this is fake, if they're trolling us. He looks like a Jennifer. You think so? I would say Claudia. No. He's not a Claudia. I was going to say he looks like a Claudia. Look at him.

He's got a cigarette. Susan or a Jennifer say he looks like a Claudia. Look at him. He's got a cigarette. He looks like a Susan or a Jennifer. So he's smoking cigarettes too? Of course. Look at him right here. Yeah, we all know gay people, they're always smoking cigarettes. What the fuck does that have to do with anything? I think that's a pretty good picture of what he probably looks like.

He has his lipstick on when no one's looking and he's tucking his dick. I don't think that's bad. He looks like an older lead he has like his lipstick on when no one's looking and he's tucking i don't think that's bad he looks like you know he looks like an older lead singer of a band yeah and they're doing the casino circuit well the two earrings too it's like he really balling he seems to be becoming a woman seems to be becoming one good for him yeah i mean this is a good time to be a lady this is a good time to be a lady. This is a good time to be a transgender woman, too. You know, people are more accepting of it than ever before. It's a good time. If you know what I mean.

But it's, I mean, how ironic. None of that shit. His name is Bruce. It should bother you. It should not. It really should not. It should not. You know...

Having said that, I hate the color of his nail polish. Red is my favorite I feel like if you're gonna paint your nails I don't feel he's that type that's too racy for him I don't mind it

he's an Olympic medalist what do you think he should have black go goth I think he needs an edge I think he's just

a little too soft like a purple perhaps he's got his hair blown out I wouldn't if I had to do a makeover, okay, less scarves, less flowing shit. Yeah, he needs an edge, man. Poor guy.

Look at him. He's wearing those visors, those old lady tennis visors. If you're not Hunter S. Thompson and they don't say Vegas on them, take that fucking thing off. That was the picture of absolute bliss, though. I think he wants to do it. That's what he wants to do. God bless him.

Yeah. Well, listen, he's been with those crazy bitches for so long, he became one. I mean, that's really what it is. I think it's a little more. I think they tricked him. Joe, I think they could put you in that house, and I don't think you're coming out looking like that. I probably would.

Imagine if I did. Imagine if it was proven that if you're around women, like that many women long enough, they slowly but surely ebb your masculinity away till you want to become a woman. If it's proven that like we imitate our atmosphere so much that when we're around the opposite sex for too much, we want to be like them. Well, if you were one of those people that you, what's that psychological word they say that you're a, you're codependent? Mm-hmm.

And you got to watch out who you hang out with or pretty soon you're doing what they're doing. Yeah. The next thing you know, you know. There are people like that. You want a pleated skirt. You'd like some Uggs. Probably starts with the Uggs. I think it starts the feet.

It starts the feet first. Pedicures. And then you work your way up your body if you're easing into it. Yeah, because a lot of dudes will get manicures. People aren't going to notice that. People aren't going to notice. pedicures and then you you work your way up your body if you're easing into it yeah because people get manicures people aren't gonna notice that people are gonna say i got a manicure one time one time i got a manicure really i fucking hated it did you get angry uh no i just i didn't like it i didn't like it well i was on i was on the road with uh uh charlie murphy and and don L and it's acceptable in the amongst black guys to get your fucking

nails done. Right. It's like considered some pimp shit. So like you gotta do it. So I'm literally sitting there next to Charlie like this with my hand in the thing and I'm laughing. Bill Burr. Bill Burr is the way to do it. No he was laughing too because I just kept saying this is the most

effeminate fucking thing I've ever done forget about doing it with you who's just overloaded with testosterone so Charlie you need to do this so you don't

windmill kick somebody I don't know I'm more in the middle I don't need to do this and I was on stage that night and I was just going like this I was self conscious I got the

I got the clear I got the clear finish and they were just like glistening yeah but then what sucks is then it starts to peel. So then you just fucking scratch, and then it looks gross. Did you try to prematurely age it? Do you maybe get some sandpaper, rub it down?

Yeah, I was doing all. I was super homophobic about it. Fingers in the dirt, fisting the dirt, try to get the nail polish off. No, I found somebody with one of those gravel driveways. Isn't it funny that that became a big thing in the African American community? Getting your toes and nails done.

There's pictures of dudes getting their toes done on the cell phone talking. Aubrey with his alpha nail. It wasn't really his. It was his friend's company, but yeah, he was a part of it. Yeah, no, they take being clean to a whole nother level.

And generally speaking, some of them think white people are pretty filthy. That was a trend in MMA fighters for the longest time was getting their nails done. Like Chuck Liddell started it out. But that was funny, man.

He would get his toes colored. Pink, and I thought it was, to me, that's fucking funny because you can kick the shit out of somebody. You ever hear that Bruce Lee story? What story? That he used to walk around wherever the fuck he was from. He would go into the city and he would act all effeminate.

So people would fuck with him and then he'd beat the shit out of him. And his friend would say, why did you do that? And he said, because if I just kicked his ass, he could get over it. But if some effeminate guy kicked his ass, that's going to stay with him. And I want that to be true i can give you the whatever the book is the bruce lee book is uh it has a red cover i can never remember the name in a black and white photo and he's like this and just fucking shredded yeah he was opposed to all the other bruce lee photos where he's like 20 pounds overweight sorry i would think that he would probably be a guy who would come up with a bunch of different real-life scenarios

just to test his martial arts and to become an effeminate guy and have guys try to beat your ass. That seems like a good move. That's pretty badass, I think. It's a smart move. Yeah, because most people spend their lives right here avoiding physical confrontations.

It's like, you know, once people really started gaining weight and fucking bloody noses and busted eye sockets, I tapped out. I was just like, I'm going to tell some jokes. The only way to really test it is to test it in a real-life situation. There's a lot of people that look really good in the gym, and then when it comes to an actual fight, they just fall apart in panic. They just can't do it. I just think that you need that you got to have a couple under you.

That's like, you know. A couple of drinks? No, you got to have a couple of fights and hopefully survive them. Yeah. If you don't have a fight, and have you ever seen someone get in a fight that's never been in a fight before and go into a full panic? No. I think I've told this story before, but it was at the comedy store. We're sitting on the patio, and there was this guy, this black guy and a white guy that were fighting in front of the house of blues and they're yelling at each other and it turns physical and as it turns physical

the white guy is in full-on fucking panic mode his eyes are closed and he's literally was this me flailing this way like this way like not moving his shoulders But his arms are like like he's boxing the guy's ears. That's what he's doing right left right left I mean his hands are open He's just absolutely in a full panic and then a bus pulls in front of him and I don't get to see what the fuck Happened the bus moves past the guys laid out flat out cold the black guys nowhere to be found the white guys Fucking dead stiff knocked out people are freaking out so obviously he got hit

I have no idea what happened is this bad? that's a bad move to do this and just have your face right down Broadway it's a terrible technique it doesn't hurt your opponent

what about double time? the good thing about it is you're being very ethical like you're not you're not harming your opponent you're involved in a physical altercation but you're not gonna do any damage that's one of those things

you don't wanna hurt your hands punching somebody's skull. Or you don't want to fuck up your manicure. Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg has his nails did. Wow. He gets French tips, I guess. Different colors. White, black, white, black.

He's got the French tips. Yeah. Okay. He's Snoop Dogg. He can do it. Remember when Tate used to do his nails? Oh, yeah. Tate used to have colored nails.

That whole alpha nail polish thing, there's a lot of dummies that were doing that for a while. They all got off of it. Roger Huerta had that chick for a while. But I feel like that's the type of shit that when you almost start dressing like a chick, you actually get more pussy, like more women coming.

Like that rock star thing, that androgynous fucking look. You start borrowing their clothes, the next thing you know, they're blowing blowing you that's how i heard it with that well what's really funny is that and hit judas priest like judas priest started a lot of the metal stuff rob halford you know all the snm dressing yeah snm dressing and people didn't realize he was gay as fuck right here i had no idea rob halford was gay as fuck and he got all these guys to essentially dress like gay S&M guys.

Yeah. Like, that was what became the look. It was brilliant. But that's how much of a bad motherfucker he is. He made people kind of go against their instincts. One of the great front men. Oh. And then another thing, too.

He basically was completely 100%, other than Freddie Mercury, who was literally in a band called Queen and we're just so dumb like no he's fine bro he's straight he sings good that's all

don't be homophobic like it matters yeah time after time dude Freddie Mercury I mean that that fucking guy that live aid set

is one of the I would put that up against anybody's performance yeah ever well he was a bad motherfucker That fucking guy. That Live Aid set is one of the... I would put that up against anybody's performance ever. Well, he was a bad motherfucker. Dude, he turned Wembley Stadium into a fucking coffee house. He had them, everybody, like the fucking back row. That guy was unbelievable.

Yeah, he was sensational. He was a really unique talent. Like, there was no one like him before because he was such a combination of like masculinity and femininity and expression i never noticed any of that i was just like this fucking guy you can't stop watching him and his his his uh his singing was incredible and he was better live as good as the albums were he's one of the few guys that was actually fucking better live wow um i haven't seen anybody come close to that guy wow since wow that's a strong anybody anybody you

got anybody that could fucking hold a hundred thousand people in the palm of his hand after you had to follow all those other beasts you know it's true you had to go after robert plant jimmy page that one didn't go well that was that was one of the ones that didn't go out which is why 2007 went so well, because they were like, we can't do that again. They put it together at the last fucking second, and then you had like,

they had two drummers at the same, can you please whisper that in my ear during my act tonight? It's hard to go after Zeppelin. It's so hard to go after Zeppelin. You were the first guy to call me up. You called me up and left a message about Zeppelin. You called me up. You're like, you're a message about Zeppelin. You called me up.

You're like, you're not going to fucking believe this. But you got to go on YouTube. You're not going to fucking believe this. They stole everything. They fucking stole everything. I didn't say that. I was saying that they fucking, there's this thing there called, the song remains the same. And they were showing how many.

Dude, they're right now going to trial on Stairway to Heaven. And you called me about this. It was many years ago it's devastating to me I still love John Bonham I actually still love their music because I still have all because it is still great

and I still it's great and I have all those childhood memories of where I was when I was going on but like I you know

it's like the Cosby thing you just hope it isn't true well the Zeppelin thing to me you know stealing a riff raping women you know

what a shithead that latest one with the 15 year olds the worst yeah the Cosby thing is very different You know, stealing a riff, raping women. What a shithead. That latest one with the 15-year-olds, the worst. Yeah, the Cosby thing is very different, obviously. But the thing about Zeppelin that got me was that every band is influenced by every other band. Every band. I mean, you're going back to everybody who you're fans with. And there's guys that sound like guys because that was their music.

And I think a lot of us as comics were even influenced. No one ever got sued for being influenced. No one ever got sued for a problem. That was my point. That was my point. Sorry. My point was, but there's a certain line that you cross, that they crossed,

where they were stealing riffs, the opening, the stairway to heaven. It's like, my God, it's the same thing. It's still a legend. It seems like the same thing to me. I don't want you to get in trouble when you're selling me undies on this. Allegedly. Allegedly. Thievery.

But it made me like them less. I know the music is still amazing, but it made me like them less. That was devastating. Yeah. But they're still bad. Well, I have a bootleg of theirs, of them at like the Whiskey or something, and they have a song called Killing Floor that sounds like the Lemon song. And then by the time it's out on Led Zeppelin 2, it's called the Lemon song.

And then later they got sued for that by the guy who wrote Killing Floor. So it's not like they didn't know. That's one of those things where it's just like, dude, you obviously knew that you were calling it Killing Floor as a cover, and then you switched some of the lyrics and then called it the Lemon Song. That's fucking... But I don't know if this is... To me, this is just me as completely uneducated looking at this shit.

I just know that that just is a little suspect. But just, obviously, I'm not a musician, so I don't fucking... I don't know. I don't want it to be true. I don't want it to be true either, but that it to be true either but that's the same thing as the cosby stuff nobody wants i mean this i was reading this chris rock article it's a really interesting chris rock article where he's talking about um people being offended by everything and that's why he doesn't do colleges anymore because they're just looking to be offended at things and they're

just too easy to offend but you know he was saying that he just doesn't want it to be true and i think everybody feels like that except the people that obviously were raped by him. Well, they would want it not to be true because then they wouldn't be raped. Right. So, yeah. So, like, all of, like, yeah, you don't want that to happen to somebody. And then also this person that you hold as a comedian, you know. Ugh.

We almost went to see him, too. We were planning on taking a trip to Vegas. I saw him earlier this year. Did you? Yep. Where'd you see him? I saw him out in Pasadena at a theater, and I met him about a year and a half ago. Yeah?

It was fucking amazing. Really? It was amazing. It was fucking amazing. His set was amazing? Yeah, everything. Yeah. Yeah, when he went to go see the guy.

I mean, you're talking about a guy, you know. Yeah. 77 years, 76, 77 years years old was excited about his new special and was like well i'm gonna tell you how i shot this thing and then he was just animated so fucking excited about his new special and it was just like to see a guy that far into it still that excited about stand-up like dude like that gave me a charge for like weeks wow and uh you know so like i said i hope it's not true yeah but you really hope it's not true for the victims more so than him. But you're just focusing on him, though.

But if you're doing that, then the victims are crazy liars. Alleged victim. Well, I mean, then, you know. That's better to be a crazy liar than a rape victim. I would rather a person to be a crazy liar than to be a rape victim. Especially- And I think they would, too. Being raped by Bill Cosby.

This new one's interesting because the girl says she was 15. Yeah, you said that. And he took her to the Playboy Mansion. Alleged. Allegedly. But when you go to the Playboy Mansion, they have your name on records. Like every person that goes there has to put their name down and all their information down. So there might be actual proof that she was 15 and he took her to the Playboy Mansion.

We right now sound like one of those bad news programs. So there might be. We might have some information later. So hang around for that. But like, not belittling the point of where, but that's just fucking brutal. It's crazy that this all happened out of Hannibal Buress's joke.

Like him talking about it on stage. No, somebody filming, the person who put it up should be getting credit because Hannibal didn't do that and he shouldn't be getting the grief either. It was a fucking great joke. It was a funny joke. Yeah.

It's a joke. Yeah. And then it became a funny bit. Possible fact. I actually felt bad for him because I don't think he wanted that. I think he just,

I think he was just telling a joke. Dude, if some of this shit, you know, that's all of that shit is taken out of, like everything, like these fucking people

who take your shit, they do the same thing that a news, like a, a biased news channel or like a political ad will do like i did this rant making fun of cubs fans versus white socks fans and the reason why i did it was because recently chicago had beaten a boston team and all i wanted to do was cause infighting okay i didn't believe a fucking word of it and i and i

went on this whole thing and then i paused and in the end i said i'm just fucking with you guys i'm just mad because blah blah blah they lopped that part off and now it's just a standalone piece that i'm shitting all over cubs fans and i'm defending white socks fans and what was funny was i took a wild guess and i actually people like dude this is like fucking dead on this is exactly the way it is it's like i didn't know that. But the point of it is, is that they went up there and they deliberately lopped off the thing where I say it's just a joke. So there's that. And I got a special this Friday, man.

You really tried to fucking be interested in that dumb story for the whole time. just all you had there was just went that's a story bill i don't know where to go with that man no i'm thinking about this culture of trying to catch people doing things like that and you know and get upset at them especially when it's clearly a joke man i had a whole bit in my act about the difference between jokes that you say on stage like being in court and giving a fucking affidavit like i i was i have a whole bit in my last special about lying i'm like i lie on stage all the time like if you watch any of my act and you go i don't i'm i don't see things the way this guy i don't either i don't see these things the way i see i'm talking about fucking around yeah i'll say shit that i don't believe in if it's funny and that's i think part of what chris rock was saying is that people are getting offended yeah i don't and i don't think comics i don't think comics should apologize unless they

actually meant it in the malicious way that the person took it like if you you know you can go on stage in a bad mood and you can deliberately get in and someone can heckle you or do something and then you get mad you deliberately try to fucking piss them off and uh you know you might owe somebody an apology then but you don't have to go on tv and fucking apologize to the country people are doing it because they're scared they don't want to lose their careers then they they also they people have demanded an apology you you can kind of say whatever you want that's not true you know you have a career so what are you talking about i have a stand-up career but the thing is not true. You know you have a career. So what are you talking about? You're talking shit.

You've got a great career. I have a stand-up career, but the thing is, as of yet, I do not have a TV show. Once you have the TV show- You're better off without it. That's when- You're better off without it. Oh, fuck you. You wait until this animated show that I'm doing comes out, dude.

You wait. You wait. Well, you're doing great stand-up, though. Yeah, I know. I'm not saying I'm not. I'm just saying, but the animated thing was the perfect way to go into tv because you can get away with anything yeah because you can't you're not going to offend anybody with these animated people like is what what message is this going to send to

animated children you know what i mean what about all the three-fingered fucking yellow-headed people out there what What are they going to think? That I just pissed off Asians? No. Somebody got hurt in a war? Yellow-headed? As long as they're like square heads, like SpongeBob, you're okay. Yeah, I was thinking Simpsons.

Ah, there you go. Now someone will cut it off there and just be like... Yeah, what are you going to do? You're always... Whenever he's saying anything on stage, it's controversial. You're always going to open yourself up to opportunistic people that just want clickbait. There's no such thing as controversy in stand-up comedy. There's no such thing.

It is manufactured controversy. It's all complete horseshit. It's one person in the crowd. The amount of times that they've showed clips of comics who said something controversial, you literally hear the crowd laughing on the fucking tape. Everybody's laughing, taking it as a joke and one fucking person and then you know and then you just take it out of context which is out of the comedy club i mean i'm trying to think of a joke any of my jokes that i could do on the news that wouldn't seem like you know i'm doing this bit about isis

and how they're not a threat and i'd like to see him try to invade florida where silences are legal and see how far they fucking get now that's silly and ridiculous and funny in a threat and I'd like to see them try to invade Florida where silences are legal and see how far they fucking get. Now, if that's silly and ridiculous and funny in a comedy club, you then put that

on Fox News. Bill Burr says ISIS is not real. And we're not over there to get these people freed up. Well, what about the soldiers

that died? When we return, the controversial tape will be played. What about the soldiers that died? We have a soldier here from Florida that actually confronted ISIS. When we return,

he listens to what Bill said. And then after that show, Nancy Grace will pick it up on the next hour. Bill Burr, the stand-up comedian. You might have seen him on such shows as Breaking Bad. Bad.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say she's a hot shit if you went out and drank with her. Do you think so? She would just laugh and be like, yeah, it's a fucking show. Do you think she's just being a good... Well, she was a prosecutor, wasn't she? Do you know how much my face hurts to pretend to be that mad every episode? I love coming out here and smoking a little weed and fucking getting to relax my eyebrows. I eat Twinkies.

I get foot massages no i think she would be fun as hell to hang out with and just actually get into an argument with it's just uh she makes unfortunate faces on tv i think she's probably exactly like she comes off on tv i bet that's her um nah dude you're telling me right now you me and nancy grace driving to vegas we wouldn't be laughing our fucking asses off you and i would be laughing our asses off but it'd probably get ugly with her pretty quick we would i i would by the inland empire she would loosen up you think so yeah we'd shut off our cell phones you're not being recorded just fucking i was held hostage by profanity.

Farts. Outrageous comedy. That's the show she'd do, but she'd have a good time over. They ear rape me for four hours. Now, this is what you do. Nancy, what fucking guest, what's the worst guest you ever had? You just wanted to reach through the screen and punch them in the face, and then she'd be telling a funny story, and then we'd be in.

That's it. we'd be in. That's it. We'd be in. You'd ask her about the Duke Lacrosse case, whether she was unfairly accusing them of something they didn't do. I don't watch the show. I don't watch the show. What's funny about her is she looks like

Ozzy Osbourne in like 1985 during the Ultimate Sin Tour. Like when she wears the black eyeliner sometimes, I literally... A better looking Ozzy, of course. Well, a more dainty Ozzy. Cintor? Like when she wears the black eyeliner sometimes? I literally... A better looking Ozzy, of course. Well, a more dainty Ozzy. More feminine. More Bruce Jenner-esque.

Less hard road Ozzy. America in trouble. The youth of today. Today. You know, I saw something. I don't know why this reminded me of... Oh oh i think shaving down your adam's apple was i was thinking of i actually uh i don't know sometime i started

talking about torture or some shit on my one of my podcasts and someone was showing the devices you know the rack the rack where they would they put you on they tie your legs and they would crank it okay and these guys did an experiment was what gave way was it your tendons or whatever you know what it was they actually discovered it was the bone oh god bone fucking broke or pulled away they put like it was the creepiest thing ever where they were just like this is a pig's ankle which is the closest to a human's ankle at which point you're sitting at home going okay like if they said it was a yak like i would argue i have no fucking idea so they put this thing on there and they start they tied this little hoof with part of its knee saying it was just as much

like the knee you got to see this thing and they start cranking this thing and you're hearing it every time it gave way you heard a noise they would do an x-ray and you know these fucking scientists are so oh this is interesting this is. The patella is still there and the, as you see, the medial cartilage, fucking whatever the hell, ligaments. But what we're seeing

is we're seeing a stress in the actual femur, which would be a femur. And they fucking kept doing it and what gave way, it was, I guess, it was the slowness of it

that made the bone break and not the fucking tendons where if you just get hit quick or something like that, the tendons, you know, I hit quick or something like that the tennis I you know I'm so fucking stupid. I can't remember what they came conclusion with but it actually broke your fucking bones. Oh It's amazing what inventions people came up with just to fuck you up more like to make you more in pain while they were killing You I said the two things that I've ever seen this for a few actually maybe cats

two things that i've ever seen there's very few actually maybe cats monkeys and human beings i thought you're gonna say the musical cats the most it was breaking my bones the most sadistic like cats the way they catch a mouse and then fucking let the thing get away and then get it again and give it hope and take it away like you get the death penalty that's like somebody begging for their fucking life right yeah i saw this video one time, this chimpanzee, like, you know, basically in the last 10, 12 years, they've discovered that, like, chimpanzees like the occasional steak and want to eat another monkey because they thought that they were vegetarians. So this fucking monkey trapped this small chimpanzee trapped this smaller one. And he's basically standing on the fucking thing up in a tree. on the fucking thing up in a tree and rather than just snapping its fucking neck it's taking its finger and its thumb and just digging flesh out of its fucking back and eating it as the monkey is underneath it just screaming yeah bloody fucking murder and you just sit and i dude if i

had a gun i would have blown that thing's fucking brains out just out of principle i've seen that i've seen that right yeah i've seen that video Turn the neck, right? Yeah. I've seen that video. I've seen a bunch of those videos with chimps. They like to eat. I fucking hate chimpanzees. You should. They're scary animals. They are.

They definitely should be respected. But they like to eat the organs first. They eat them while they're alive. They just grab the, apparently the organs are the most delicious part to them. So while they're holding on to the monkeys, they're not trying to kill them first. They're just trying to go right to the guts and start eating oh oh dude it's just getting back so you get back to the rack like how could you the fucking agony you're putting somebody through i couldn't do that i couldn't do that to somebody don't you

think it was that was during the time when first of all people died like way way quicker like people didn't live very long They lived to be like if you're lucky you got 50 years in holy shit I gotta live to be 50 most people the infant mortality rate was really high They were constantly at war war was at close range So war involved like swords and arrows and you think about shots. Yeah, the kind of fuck out of us Fucking flaming bodies, know they used to literally light bodies on fire because human fat is like a good way of lighting buildings on fire because it's so disgusting so when they would light us on fire they would light human bodies on fire

and launch them in catapults would they at least kill them first yeah probably maybe i don't know whatever they wanted to do i guess a very green way to attack somebody. I'm sure people... Let's get back to what you were saying. Were they just going to use all the fucking fuel? They'll figure out a way to just have no waste. We use the waste and it becomes fuel. But that kind of life where you're subject to violence and brutality on a regular basis. But were they, or was that like the movies?

Well, the movies, they only show the wars. They don't just show it when they're hanging out playing like a flute. You know what? I think there was probably a lot of war going on pretty much all throughout human history. I just feel like you could hide so much easier back then. In the woods? Yeah, you just run into the woods. Yeah, there was no GPS.

You hear them coming. You hear the floor fucking moving you come to horses back there you have to figure out a way to get away from the wolves yeah but you weren't going down to whole foods you were hunting your own food you were self-sufficient right but you had to have your bow and arrow and all that stuff you like to be close to town have a fucking blacksmith nearby like when you're out there in the woods by yourself it's probably pretty pretty hard scrabble life. No house.

Absolutely, but you know something? Anything that's going to kill you, I was thinking shoot at you and kill you, kill at you. Anything that's going to kill you out there, it's going to be real quick. Dude, if a mountain lion ever fucking ran at me, I'd fucking just give him the neck.

Get it over with, dude. I've gotten scratched by a fucking house cat. You think I want to fucking fuck with you? Goddamn 140 pound cat. And proportionate. As far as the strongest house cats or the strongest cats, it's house cats are some of the strongest pound for pound. And mountain lions are right up there with them.

Stronger even than some other cats that are terrifying to us. No, they fight off bears, according to my YouTube video watching. They do. They definitely do. Hey, who's doing all the animal shit now? Is it Animal Planet? Is that where Discovery just went all cars? Like they don't fucking do anything anymore.

Discovery? Yeah, Discovery is- They don't do any animals anymore. Well, there's a lot of shows like TLC used to be the learning channel. What do they do now? Reality? That's all reality. It's a history channel. That tlc used to be the learning channel what do they do now reality that's all reality it's a history channel that's tlc is honey boo boo you know what happened history channel is they they just ran out of war footage they just really just got we got nothing and then they had to show like nothing is interesting to anybody anymore unless there's

footage like i hate it when they would do like even like some of the civil war shit they would have to reenact it because before remember when we were kids they would just have drawings of it and they would sort of pan the camera across from it and it would put you to sleep and then World War II was the shit because they were just showing planes getting shot down and all of that it was like a movie

they had History Channel had like a lot of Nazi shows they had a bunch of those and then I think after a while they just realized there's more money in idiots there's more money in just reality TV it's just after a certain point in time they become a network well i mean what i think happened was a bunch of people were watching reality and weren't watching their shows on the rise of the third arc reich whatever in the night of the long knives or

whatever the fuck then just no one cared anymore and they're just like all right if that's what you want they have shit on like ancient aliens. Like they have, I mean, how many episodes of ancient aliens have they done? I totally believe in aliens, but I don't think anybody has figured out a way to travel from planet to planet. Really? And actually live. I think it's possible, but I think they're way too invested in it being real. Eventually we could figure it out, but we're going to destroy each other first. And I think everything kind of... You destroy yourselves.

That's God's, I think, fucking checks and balances. Alright, I made this thing smart enough to figure out how to get over to this other pod of people that I made, but they got jealousy and envy, and I want credit. And I want a producer credit on your fucking rocket ship and all that shit, and like...

They're all going to destroy each other first. We'll destroy each other. Before we figure even out how to get to fucking Mars by a spell. What are you going to do? First of all, how do you have enough air to get there? Air? Like in the- Like oxygen.

You'd have to have something that generates oxygen. You'd have to have something that processes carbon dioxide, generates oxygen. The harder thing would be, you could probably do that. But that thing's going to last. So I guess the question is. Well, plants do that, right? Is that what plants do? But that's going to last all the way to Mars.

Six months. It's got to last six months. Yeah, I don't know. You think it takes six months to get to Mars? I think that's what they're saying. I think they're saying it takes six months. No, it doesn't. I mean,

think about how far the moon is. The moon, it took like seven days. Are you just fucking with me because you know all this shit? No, it takes six months to get to Mars.

It does not. How long do you think it'll take? Fucking years. No, I'm pretty sure it's six months. Let's see. How many months to get to Mars?

He's got a creepy tone right now. I'm pretty sure it's six months. Let's see. I could be wrong. Two Mars? He's got a creepy tone right now. I'm pretty sure it's six months. I could be wrong. That was very self-deprecating. It's possible. Precise six to eight months. Because Mars and Earth's orbits are perfectly circular. But that's like just a drone, though.

To actually get a person there. No, no. This is for a person. This is for a person. They're talking about the manned space travel to mars mission where they're actually going to have to stay there which is really fucked up these people are gonna it's gonna take uh about six months to get there dude you realize the fucking balls that that takes unbelievable i'm going to another fucking planet forever and what once you break the Earth's gravitational pull,

what is stopping you from missing Mars when that fucker comes around? Calculations. I know that, but I'm saying if those things are off. Yeah, they never are, though. Jerry, speed up! Speed up! You're going to miss it! Can you go by it? Now you're heading towards fucking, what's the next one?

Saturn? Jupiter? They're pretty good at figuring out. Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn. Yeah. Neptune. Uranus. Uranus.

Pluto. It's not fucking Pluto anymore. They're bringing it back though, right? No. Where'd you hear that? I heard recently that they're considering bringing it back as a planet. Did you hear that

or did you actually read that on a website? This is how they should promote that. They should have like, when they bring Pluto back, they should have the scientists dressed in like bell bottoms and shit with like the fucking Travolta thing, you know? Like they're bringing back like disco or some shit.

Oh God. No? No. We're bringing it back. We're bringing it back. Come on, man. I thought you were going to say they were dressed up like Pluto. No, that's two on the fucking nose.

Two on the nose. You know what I hate? You know what I hate in a joke writer room? Is that's a hat on a hat. That's a hat on a hat when you have like a joke within a joke. Right. Like it's like say whatever the joke is, you fall off the fucking chair and then you want to add another layer to it. They go, that's a hat on a hat.

And it's just like, so what? If it's still, but they don't understand, like, taglines. If it's still funny. If it's funny still, it's funny. But if it's not funny, it's not funny. No, if you have a hat on a hat, that's funny. How come I can't look at the other fucking hat the next time I watch it, because I didn't even notice it?

If you have a hat on a hat, and the hat's funny, funny that's what i think yeah i think you're like they're acting like funny plus funny equals not funny i think how does that how does that work i think that's just a lack of it's just a the the different mentality that a comic has versus there's definitely like a place you can go where it's not funny anymore or you've added too many jokes or you ruin the original joke. But I think writers have a different perspective. Yeah, and granted, they write for a living and I don't. Yeah, but I just think their perspective is a scene as opposed to your perspective, which is like stand-up.

You know, looking at it stand-up wise, a hat on a hat's hilarious. No, I'm looking at it like this is going to, yeah, I just think it's fucking funny. Yeah. I think as many layers as you can add to it, it just keeps getting funnier. And then if people don't even get it, that's fucking funny. Like, why would you even sit there? Why would you fucking sit there and make that goddamn rule? I mean, I guess, you know, I'm going against all these successful shows.

So, whatever. Yeah, I just think there's a different style of writing too don't you think there's a different style the way like you write for stand-up and the way you write or you would write for a television show it's just a different kind of writing i barely know what i'm talking about ever so um i just maybe i'm just frustrated pitching jokes and then somebody going that's a hat on a hat i'd like a hat on a a hat. Well, see, that's why I'm telling you, a guy like you, your best shit is you just being you without anybody that you have to pitch it to. Because, you know, you have a very- A year from now, when I show up with the six episodes of F is for Funny, I think you're going to have-

Yeah, but you're talking about a cartoon. I'm always 100% for cartoons. I'm going to belittle my fucking show. I love it. Animated. have yeah but you're talking about a cartoon i'm always 100 for cartoons little my fucking i love it animated whatever you call it it's a cartoon like if you look at like the most innovative dangerous comedy on tv ever it's south park because they can get away with that dude those guys they've done the best social commentary for like 17 years they don't get the credit they deserve yeah not even close they're animals they're the best they're and they're they're so innovative they're just constantly coming up with new shit like every week the genius is the for their social commentary is because how simplistic the animation is yeah that those guys are like but they can just churn them out

but like how finished and polished it is yeah as a brand new joke coming right out of the gate the first time they air it where they just fucking nail it. I think it's going to, for whatever reason, I feel like they're going to have to do it for 30 years and then tell people that they're leaving before they're finally going to just acknowledge. They're going gonna get the fucking mark twain award and all that stupid shit that you're supposed to get well they get acknowledgement just by everybody loving them i mean their show is they they have pretty much total autonomy over at comedy central they kind of get away with whatever they want i mean they could they could pull off shit on their show that no one could ever pull off on another show i just don't think people give them enough credit.

Yeah. I'm not going to change that argument, Joe. I'm with you. I don't think they give them enough credit either. But either way, they can do so much because it's a cartoon. And their characters never get old. They don't have to worry about their character. Like, J.J. from Good Times, that shit wouldn't have been funny if he was 80.

Yeah, their stuff is... Dynamite! Will you shut the fuck up? Like, what are you talking about? Yeah, no, the... JJ from Good Times. Where did I pull that one out of my... Well, now that you brought up South Park, I don't think it's going to be that funny,

but I think it's going to be amusing. It's going to be an amusing show. Your show? Yes. What's it based on? Childhood stories. Oh, your childhood stories. Yeah.

Well, basically, everybody in the writer's room at that point. Oh. So, I just got sick of people groaning about my childhood stories oh your childhood stories yeah well basically everybody in the writer's room at that point oh so I just got sick of people groaning about my childhood stories comedy I was like well what if I fucking animate them now what are you gonna groan at

huh wow get back at everybody Bill that animated yeah it's fucking annoying why are you going to Indianapolis Bill it's

no it's fucking annoying that should be a t-shirt that you sell i know i watched that a story that you told last time you were on the podcast about the guy next to you on the airplane oh yeah questioning you about going to indianapolis i watched that my most one of the most fun i ever had on a flight was when he said i'm gonna push this button and as we're taxiing down um taxing over to where we're gonna take off and i was i was just all right let's let's see what happens and he was sitting there reaching for the fucking thing and i'm just sitting there all right let's see let's see what happens go ahead push the button so this

um this animated show that you wrote who did you uh do it with did you do it all by yourself or did you bring somebody with uh mike price from the simpsons oh great yeah it was just a fucking force and he put up he put together this murderer's row of uh a writing room and um and then the produce the production company is uh um wild west which is vince vaughn's company that's how the whole thing like I was just going to make little five-minute vignettes and put them on my website. And then... I don't know. I don't know what happened.

Steve Byrne. I opened for him or something like that. We were working together or some shit and Vince was there. Saw my act. Wanted to see me. Hey, come in and take a general. And I had no idea. No ideas. No nothing. I just took a general. They're like, we like you. If you ever have anything... Took a general meeting. No ideas, no nothing. And it was, I just took a general, like, we like you. If you ever have anything, you know, blah, blah, blah.

Took a general meeting for the folks who don't know what the fuck we're talking about. General meeting, yeah. And I was just walking out. And as I walked out, I was like, you know, I kind of got this idea for a cartoon. And they wanted to do one. They went, sit down. And three fucking years later. Wow.

We are one year away from it coming out. I mean, it just works slowly. Slowly. And what is the hardest nobody was didn't want nobody wanted the idea and everything and the whole thing was dead in the water and then vince was the guy who's like let's go over to netflix and you know that guy's an animal man he's in there in the fucking pitch meeting selling this fucking thing and and then netflix was like ridiculously supportive they're like you, do whatever you want.

Netflix is doing some wild shit, dude. Push it further, yeah. Do you see the ad for Marco Polo? Mm-mm. Marco Polo's a new series that Netflix is doing on Marco Polo and Genghis Khan. It's like this huge fucking epic series that they're doing. They have that Orange is the New Black.

They're doing stand-up comedy specials. Like, they're becoming like a real legitimate network right before our eyes. They're beyond that because they're international and they are so ahead of the game that all you're going to see is just people trying to rip off their business model is what's going to happen. You know, it's the usual thing. Like, what are these guys doing?

Oh, they're not going to fucking blah, blah, blah blah and all of a sudden okay all right and then you know next thing you know you become the person yeah and then everybody's like oh that's the way you do it monkey see monkey do and then i just think people will try to rip off what they're gonna do but they they're at the uh you know they're on point so yeah so they're cutting their way through the jungle, they're on point. Yeah. So they're cutting their way through the jungle, so they're still going to be out in front of everybody. So I think it's going to be very hard for, I don't know, maybe the fourth person who tries to rip it off. There might be room for two other people to try to rip off what they're doing.

You know what I mean? And then you have like three, like ABC, NBC, CBS of international television. Well, what they're doing that's unique is that they're taking the money and they're making their own shit. That's the big thing. They've been doing it for a while. I did my comedy special with them in 2005 that was originally on Netflix, and then it got sold to Showtime.

But they were, even back then, I mean, that's nine fucking years ago, they were taking chances and funding comedy specials. And now they're doing real originals, that Kevin Spacey show. House of Cards. House of Cards. taking chances and funding comedy specials and now they're doing real originals that kevin spacey show that um house of cards you know they're doing jack horseman yeah it's been killing it um and your show they're doing a lot of chelsea peretti her stand-up is on netflix her new show um i think um chelsea handler doesn't she have like a whole series she has a talk show yeah she left her talk show

as far as I know on E I think it was on E to go do a talk show on Netflix left the E network yeah

to go to Netflix that's like that would not she I mean I don't want to speak for her but I don't think that move gets made two three years ago

just shows you how quickly it changes you'd be like wait a minute but I'm on I'm on television. She's got so much fucking money, though. She probably doesn't give a fuck.

You know what I mean? Can you make that much money on E? Oh, yeah. She's got a lot of money, man. Oh, yeah. Howard Stern is a youngie. She's a very, well, she's also, it's not just that. It's books.

She saw a lot of books. You know, she's in that stage, too, where she has this giant amount of fans that can just follow her anywhere she goes. Yeah, I don't know how that works. I don't get, like, how do you have a TV show and write a fucking book? I don't know. And do stand-up constantly. Yeah. I mean, she does a lot of shit.

She's just constantly working. Yeah, that's, I mean, she does a lot of shit. She's just constantly working. Yeah, that's, I mean, I'm never going to be that busy. I couldn't handle that. Yeah, I'm too busy right now. I think there's a certain level of busy where you just like, you can coast. You can like keep the fire burning at a certain temperature, certain RPMs. But it goes up and down. When it goes up, it's like, ooh, it's getting a little hot.

I would think just having a TV show and trying to keep that thing on the rails and just prevent someone from coming in and fucking it up would be hard enough. That's a big thing, preventing someone from coming in and fucking it up. Right. Because that's a real issue. Someone could definitely come in and fuck it up. Yeah, because they want credit. Yeah.

You have to implement something that I said and again that's all negative shit I wanna get to that I had a good time you're just trying to whitewash all that

no no that hasn't happened to me that hasn't happened to me but I just I don't wanna get into this it's an old fucking conversation that uh yeah

everybody knows it that happens in every fucking business you know look at the Geek Squad that was a great thing and then Best Buy was like

how dare you make money without us and then they fucking absorbed it nobody uses this know, look at the Geek Squad. That was a great thing. And then Best Buy was like, how dare you make money without us? And then they fucking absorbed it. Nobody uses that shit anymore. What was the Geek Squad before Best Buy? It was just a bunch of nerds who would fucking, it's like Uber. They'd run around fixing your computers. And they dressed like nerds, like with the black ties and the white fucking short-sleeved shirt. And then Best Buy bought them?

And then they bought them. And I've never seen it. It was cool. They showed up. It was funny. They were like embracing being nerds this was like 10 years ago

they had the half of them had fucking glasses and they came over and they just fixed your shit and it kind of had like this spy vibe to it geek squad and they showed up

dressed like nerds but also kind of like a little Pulp Fiction-esque except without the jacket and it was it was fucking cool I wasn't aware of them back then

yeah and then yeah they drove around in little beetles yeah were you aware of them back then. Yeah, and then, yeah. They drove around in little Beetles. Yeah. Were you aware of them? Oh, yeah. Before Best Buy bought them?

Yeah. Maybe I wasn't. I forgot. I use them right now. My fucking laptop died. What happened? Do you use a Mac laptop? Are you one of those guys that hates Apple? What happened?

I got frustrated. Honestly, I got frustrated, and I slammed it shut. Was it an Apple laptop or a Windows laptop? Apple. See, I would think you might be one of those guys that goes, you know what? I'm fucking sick of all this Apple shit. Everybody uses Apple. I'm going to go Windows.

I can see you being that guy. No, what I do is I just keep computers forever. And I keep iPhones forever. I'm always at least two numbers behind whatever everybody else has. Why do you do that? Because when I say hello, the person can hear me. What does that mean? It means I don't need a new fucking phone.

Oh, okay. So it's fine. I can already take video. I don't even need the video. I want you to gaze, Bill, at this glorious screen. Look how beautiful. Look how big that stupid ass fucking thing is How dare you first of all

First of all how dare you Second of all the camera on this thing is fucking substantial Dude you gotta see The new camera on the iPhone 6 That's what I'm saying When I point that at my dick Dude you can see the fucking helmet

It's a great goddamn picture A picture of Joey Diaz It's a great goddamn picture. A picture of Joey Diaz? It's a great goddamn picture. It's too clear. It's fantastically clear. Look how good that is. Yeah. It's huge.

Joey does not look like that in real life. Technology has gone beyond what you've seen. But young Bill Burr, he does look like that. Huh? He does look like that. You're looking at him in a little tiny four-inch. I'm not going to try to talk you out of your phone. You obviously love it.

Good for you. I'm happy for you. I'm happy for you. You made a little tiny 4-inch. I'm not going to try to talk you out of your phone. You obviously love it. Good for you. I'm happy for you. How dare you? You made me feel bad about my purchase. I'm happy for you. Bill, I remember a couple years ago you were still using MapQuest. Do you still use MapQuest? No, I use the one that's on that thing.

But the one that's on your phone, you mean? You know what I hate? I hate the fucking recycled jokes on the internet. And someone would be like, was this film with a potato? For the nine millionth time, you're going to write that and be like, can you just pick a different vegetable? Can you try to be a little bit original? I do not believe I've ever heard someone ask, is this film with a potato? Yeah.

It's fucking, it's like this recycled, wait, what? Like those hacky fucking Twitter jokes. no one ever it's like he's fucking like it's like mad libs that's true said no one ever is uh pretty common but effective if used properly like i reserve the right to use said no one ever if i'd fucking have to if it's right there i gotta admit i admit, I would definitely... You'd drop a few notches. I would drop a few notches in your estimation? I'm looking to drop a few notches.

From the stratosphere that I have you in. I like to build myself back up. I like to fail a little. Nah, once you drop a certain point, you're dead to me. I'll take that into consideration. If you said, wait, wait, what? Wait, what? And said no one ever, within two hours, if I got two of those tweets from you, I would...

Well, when people say really stupid shit... I just don't like hacky comedy, including all the people who are now going to watch this and then tweet that to me, and they just think it's absolutely fucking genius, and not realize that like 9,000 people had the exact same idea. The water cooler jokes, you know, those fucking just... Right. Yeah yeah you know me you know about the shit that colin quinn makes fun of those fucking hacks colin quinn he's the best at it because people don't even know he's joking like you know like one of the beautiful things about knowing colin and then knowing his tweets is that some people are reading his tweets and they might not get it at all they might think do you remember the colin quinn show he had on nbc he had one of the greatest fucking sketches and it was like it was

so much fun it was like office humor and i remember bobby kelly's was the funniest one it was the high five guy at the office and bobby just comes walking by he's just like dude got that new jet ski and he fucking he like just puts his hand up and you have to high five. Even the way he high fived was hilarious. Mine was somehow, I went up to Greer Barnes, not Greer Barnes, I went up to Godfrey

and said some really white shit to him as Greer Barnes was standing there delivering a package. Like, dude, I took a recommendation. Something like, Godfrey's Park was hilarious. Some really stupid white movie. And then Greer's sitting there looking at Godfrey like he's a fucking salad or whatever i'm totally butchering this but it just totally tapped into like when you work in those fucking offices

the amount of like there's like six jokes and they all just keep telling them that was in um not like those are the only jokes but there's like six jokes that you can just always get count on at an office for a laugh what was that was on nbc right for how many episodes did colin's show last it was sort of a season right only one season like six episodes yeah it was like people were liking it it was like what tough it was just on the raw network it was what what tough crowd became because he also had this thing where uh patrice and norton and all them would be sitting down and just in different areas it was actually shot really cool and uh they would just be talking about topper so he had like a live thing he had these sketches thing

it was a fucking great show it's a great show he's a funny dude man i when i did tough crowd i got to see him warm the crowd up you know he does stand up before it and i was like i forgot how fucking funny Colin Quinn is. He's really fucking funny. Really good. The best was when he first got on Twitter, if you followed him early. And nobody knew what the fuck he was doing. Are you doing gang signs over there?

No, I was doing three episodes. When he first got on Twitter and so many people didn't know what he was doing, it was so fucking funny. They still don't. Some of them don't. Every day people still don't. But he's like, you know, Zeppelin's such an underrated band. It's just a shame they never had a hit. He would do that.

And people are like, what the fuck? It was like all capitals. But when you do that, you're trolling like dumb high school kids. I mean, I don't know. A lot of it. I think a lot of adults were falling for that too when he would talk about how famous he is

and how, who the fuck, somebody stepped down in something like, I don't know, he's always good for a fucking. He's a funny fucking comic,

man. Yeah. Like watching him do stand up, like you really get to appreciate it. I think even live, he's one of those guys you really want to see alive.

Like when you see him, like even in film, it's like you're missing something. You're missing some half of the canard. Yeah. Yeah, he's amazing. That show should have never been canceled. If they're smart, they'd bring back Tough Crowd. Tough Crowd was a fucking great idea.

It was a great show. Speaking of that, how weird is it? There's two shows that have come back. The Comeback came back. Lisa Kudrow. Yeah, which yeah which was a great show was just sort of ahead of its time but the weirdest fucking thing i ever saw was when arsenio show came back dude he came back with the same fucking haircut he maybe looked 10 days older and then had the same guests it and it was just and it was like 20 years never went by. It was like,

it's only one of the few times I ever wish that I did like hallucinogens because I was just like, it was blowing my mind. It blew my fucking mind. I think he had like Dyson or Eddie or somebody and it was just like, I felt like I was like 24 again

and I was just starting out as a comic when I used to watch it going, if I get to do stand-up on this, how am I going to- How am I going to navigate? How am I going to cross over to this crowd? You know, I don't know. It was just bizarre. You know, they took over his social media accounts when they did that show. Who? Arsenio.

Why? Because he was being too edgy? No, no, that's what they do that's what they do now on a lot of shows they demand to take over your social media and they start tweeting for you how crazy is that that's like he told me that he's like I'm trying signing over power of attorney in like a cyberspace kind of way exactly they're like signing their name your name he was trying to get his facebook back and his twitter back and i was like what he was telling me he was telling me this at the ice house and i

was like you gotta be fucking kidding me they made you he goes i didn't want to initially but i said you know what i'm gonna be so busy with the show fuck it let him do it now i'm trying to get it back i'm like oh my god they just take over your account yeah but if you let him you just say no exactly no but you gotta be willing to say no. And it might be a deal breaker. He's Arsenio. Go fuck yourself. You guys came to me.

Yeah, but they, you know, if they're thinking that people want to, they want to be ball players, you know. Hey, you know, we're willing to work with you. Like, we want to make the show a hit. No, I think that's a that's a sue thing they don't want to get sued by you saying something fucking nuts

and then I mean if you read the guy's interviews our senior's interviews are always great because he doesn't give a shit and he just kind of says what he's saying

so they're looking at does he? yes says wild shit? yeah well I mean I just he's honest which does not work

when you got to sell toothpaste and fucking cars and all that shit in between the comedy so i think that that's that's why look having never gotten a show on the air joe this is what i feel is going on this is behind the scenes well mcguire you know chris mcguire was the head writer oh on uh yeah he was the head writer over there so he you know he told me it was a struggle from the beginning. But it was also that they were trying to do the same show. They were trying to do the exact same show that they did in the 1990s, which is really strange. Because Arsenio's a likable guy. I mean, people love him.

It seems like if you found the right vehicle for him, he would be a great talk show host. People, he's a genuinely friendly, likable guy. Yeah, I mean, i said it was it looked like the exact same fucking show and i felt like did did i just like miss that this thing was still going on and then he had all these guests from back then i think that that like i think the whole thing could have uh i don't know if he i don't know i don't i just want to just saw when i would put it on when it first started. Maybe he just did that the first week. No, no, he kept doing it.

He kept doing it? Yeah. Yeah. That's what they did. I mean, it might have altered a little bit, but that was essentially a show. It's hard to do those fucking shows, man. I can never host a talk show. No fucking way. You don't get to choose your guests.

People equate a podcast To a talk show sometimes But the thing about a podcast is You know I like you Like I want I wanted to talk to you today I texted you

I like you too man I like you man But you know what I'm saying Like I don't have to pretend It's like if you were some guy That I didn't know That was in here That was pitching something

That I didn't give a fuck about But the network Scheduled you Oh and then my stories are dying And then you gotta save them Oh those are the worst right and someone would have to jump in well i i feel i feel bad for uh when when i see a talk show host and has a guest where they're off or they're they're uh stories aren't working because you see them you see them like glancing down at the card and they got to like lettermanman's the best at that.

They got to... Because he'll just openly mock the situation. He'll just openly mock you if it goes wrong like that. I know. He'll just let you sit in it going, okay, yeah. Do you remember Bill Hicks' bit on Leno? Oh, the Dorito thing? Yeah.

Well, the whole thing about having Joeyey lawrence on the show and asking joey lawrence if he has a girlfriend oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you know and and joey says no well yes well she thinks so right he pulls a gun out of his drawer and fucking blows his brains out and his his brains splatter on the wall in the form of an nbc peacock because he's a company man to the bitter end jesus dude that was word for word I did. I forgot all the part about him changing clips. He pulls out an Uzi and he suck on an Uzi and he's spraying bullets through his head and he changes clips. What do you want?'s a fucking hard gig Leno loves doing that show

that he does now because of that he does that car show online Jay's Garage I watch I go on that all the time it's fucking great

this fucking car collection is insane it's insane and it's all like he's got great taste in cars and he's got these fucking cars like those ones where you got like

two shifters and shit he's got goggles on and stuff but um he had one a car recently that i of course forget it i got obsessed with it if you want to look it up he did it was an early uh 70s dotson i think 510 and um they're just the coolest fucking cars if you uh if you put like a new engine in the suspension and everything. Because it's like the classic American sedan, but the miniature Asian version of them. Let's see.

Can you get a picture of it before I stammer into a fucking complete black hole here on this thing? There you go. That's the car. That's such a fucking badass car, man. Oh, so they did like a resto mod version of an of an old it's an old datsun it's like a datsun 510 or something like that dude it's got that little fucking the hearse shifter on it man it just looks so much fucking fun to drive because my brother had a uh the smoothest shifting car i ever drove he had like an 81 toyota tercel and when you were changing gears in that fucking day

it just was like butter and it was this piece of shit and it was i just couldn't understand that was that that was a really bad time for american cars where they were deliberately making them to shit the bed at 60 000 miles so you would get this perpetual car payment at least that's the conspiracy theory of it and all of these fucking uh toyota cars that dude remember that when they started coming out and the speedometer only went up to 80 miles an hour yeah and everything i want to speed and not all the gas crisis and all that in the Mustang became the Mustang too Yeah, became a car like Farrah Fawcett drove on Charlie's Angels. It was such a hunk of shit It went from being one of the most badass American muscle cars ever to it. Just a total Plastic shitty shape ugly. They made him ugly too within like five to seven years yeah it became

just an absolute uh and all of there was so many of those held over like uh muscle car names that just became like a shell of themselves yeah like the cougar ended up becoming this big fat ass yeah fucking two-door like sedan like was sort of the poor man's like lincoln continental or something um but whatever he but his his collection of cars is just far as fucking incredible and just his knowledge of him that's it's really cool well he's really passionate about it it just shows you when you get a guy doing something that he actually likes to do like jay leno loves cars it becomes an amazing show when you have him hosted tonight show you're like he doesn't give a fuck about joey lawrence's tv show he doesn't yeah i always looked at it like he's he's

trying to uh he's you know he's making some money yeah and he's gonna go buy some cars now when i was a younger comic i used to judge him and be those fucking boos you know back when i thought i was you know i should be wearing a leather jacket on stage you know like i was saying anything but now that i've gotten older i I'm like, nah, fuck. He's doing his show the way he wants to do his show, and then he wants to go buy some cars. Yeah, he wanted to make some money, made some money. Apparently, the word has always been

that he doesn't even spend his Tonight Show money, that he spends only his stand-up comedy money. That's where he gets everything, and then the Tonight Show money all just went into the bank. Can you imagine if the dollar collapses? Poor bastard. He got all that money. That's where he gets everything. And then the Tonight Show money all just went into the bank. Can you imagine if the dollar collapses? Poor bastard. You got all that money. Like, I don't understand having that all in the bank when your account is insured up to like fucking two, three hundred grand.

Yeah, it's not smart. And then it's also it is until it isn't. Well, who knows what all in the bank means, though. He might have investments. He might have put it in bonds and mutuals and all that shit. Dude, you got to convert it. what into cash gold stuff it in your fucking walls and then just or some of it in gold and then you just got to pray dude like having all of that fucking money and trying to not what was that book you read when you were in like fifth grade about the guy who catches the big

fish and then he's bringing it into this into inland and all those fish are taking a bite out of it. And by the end, he's just left with the skeleton. That's what it's like having a ton of fucking cash. Everybody's just going to fucking descend on you. You know, you're counting bills. All of a sudden two plus two equals four is way much fucking more difficult.

They got to charge you $9 million more for your fucking taxes. Why? Why? Because I have it. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's what they do. And all of a sudden, everything becomes a big fucking problem. So you just advocate spending it all as soon as it comes in?

I advocate getting to a certain level of success, getting a machete and a pit bull and sitting on your cash. You have it right laid out in the living room. You just sit on a mound of it and you order food. And have it delivered? And have it delivered. You never leave. And peel bills off the pile to pay for it? I have no, my, whatever.

Investment portfolio? Society going to shit. My plan is I just embrace the fact that you can only kill me once. That's it. I'm not going to survive that. You hope, but what if it's like Groundhog Day? Keep dying like that new Tom Cruise movie, The Edge of Tomorrow. Dies over and over.

Spoiler alert. Well, then I would just get a gun. And then? I would just walk around like this and I'd wait for the awful death to come and then i go like that over i like how you thought this through over made a lot of really good points you know i learned it buying it buying an old house yeah oh you're gonna be the guy who lays in a shallow grave and waits for people to attack your food supply and then you sit up like a zombie me no i'll be more clever than that i'll probably set up a fake civilization and then be outside of that civilization the real civilization like so people come into raid and then fucking launch

down on them these are just words fire what i'm saying yeah it's just words listen i i've planned this out no if if the shit hits the fan i hope i'm where the fan explodes that's what i think too yeah like if yellowstone blows and we wind up living in some sort of a perpetual nuclear winter for the next hundred years, I hope the lava lands on my fucking head. I don't want to be one of those hardscrabble people out there in Antarctica trying to eat seals and stay alive. Nope. Reinvent the wheel. No, I don't. Fuck that.

Because what you're going to gonna do then what are you gonna do yeah that's like civilization went through a divorce right and they're the guy that gets like the flop house you know what i mean like you're just you're just you're just gonna you're never gonna build it back up in your lifetime so why not leave with a flat screen tv watching mma shit whatever you want to fucking watch. And then the, I used to do a bit about that. Just when that Korean,

that little fatty there over in Korea was talking about how he was going to shoot a fucking warhead. And I was nervous until he said LA. And I was like, perfect dude, right at my fucking giant forehead. I don't even want to, I don't even want to know.

Just hear that whistling sound. Like what is that? Somebody watching Bugs Bunny? What is that whistling sound? And then it just fucking lands right on my house, and then that's it. Yeah, you don't want to be the guy who barely survives and has kids and then dies where your kids are, like, standing over you and they're eight and you know they can't live on their own.

You're fucking dying in front of their eyes. Like, you don't want to be that guy. And you also have to take into consideration that even if the human race survives eventually it won't whether it's a million or a billion years from now eventually the earth will no longer be able to sustain life because the sun will burn out so like well that's not gonna last forever i'm just talking about like some our lifetime if some bullshit happens i don't want to go back into the world where like boils and shit and warts on the end of your nose are an issue now because there's no more CVSs and shit, whatever the Benadryl or crap you'd put on it. And then everybody starts looking like a witch or like they live under a fucking bridge.

How the fuck do you know that's ever gotten a wart on their nose? No, what I'm saying, back in the day. So CVS keeps us from getting warts on our nose. Yeah. That's another saying, back in the day. So CBS keeps us from getting warts on their nose. Yeah. That's another quote they're going to take out of yours. Compound W is gone.

Compound W is gone. Dollar collapses and all of that shit. Everything stops being made. It's done. Then your best bet is you fucking go down to CBS

and you raid all those drugs. That's what you do when you take some bread and you leave, right? And you just start pouring them in between pieces of bread and you fucking eat them like a captain crunch sandwich and uh all the drugs in uh breakfast club yeah i don't think that's a good idea either

none of them's a good idea nobody has a good idea the only people who are okay uh would be if you joined blackwater where they actually have like a fortress they're the ones who are really ready my favorite one is when you watch those doomsday preppers, and they're basically reading through their playbook. That's how I had that shallow grave. Like this guy was, what I'm going to do is I'm going to surrender my property and let them infiltrate it, and then I'll fucking come around. And he's like showing like where he's going to hide.

And he's going to be on a spring, like one of those Murphy beds. He rises up. No, the craftmatic. He rises up. No, the craftmatic. The craftmatic. You bring your legs in. It's too slow. You want to be on one of those Murphy beds where it pops up.

Oh, well, you're faking dead, so they don't see you in the background. It's just slowly coming up. He just poing. You know those beds? You push them. Those Three Stooges beds? They go right up to the ceiling. Yeah, people get stuck in them them and they get pinned against the wall

they're called Murphy beds right yeah they used to that was a popular thing to save space Laverne and Shirley oh those things would fucking

people would get you'd probably break your fucking I bet somebody broke their fucking neck in one of those I bet I bet people have died

the most bizarre ways yeah I don't know listen buddy it's almost a quarter to four you gotta get out of here yeah where you going i'm going home wait why are you going home bill i'm gonna i'm gonna beat the traffic where are you going to indianapolis bill try to beat the traffic try to try to eat healthy so come down and do your show tonight all right so bill burr will be at the comedy store tonight bill burr special will be on netflix this friday december

5th. What's it called again? I'm sorry you feel that way. The fucking, the previews look awesome and I like the fact that you did it in black and white,

you silly bitch. Yeah. You're going old school. Next one you should do with smoke signals. Just no more, no more film. I don't like HDTV.

I just don't like it. It's too fucking clear. You don't need it. You can do whatever the fuck you want. It's your artistic opinion. I already know how I'm going gonna film the next one too and and you will tell me once this is over probably uh in your own little passive aggressive way i have the iphone 6 make fun of that too those are the latest fucking cameras that i use by the way

iphone 6 cameras no it is a stylized Oh okay This is not three stooges Black and white It looks great I resent the fact That I've been on this Podcast for an hour and 45 minutes And you would do that to me I don't give a fuck

Either like it or you don't I'm sure I'll love it I'm a fan I'm a Bill Burr fan Ladies and gentlemen I don't believe a word of it Alright Thank you for having me

Bill Burr B-I-L-L-B-U-R-R Thanks for being here Man anytime you want Come on back Thank you for having me And I will see you 8.30 tonight at the Comedy Store.

Yes, my friend. That's right. Thank you. The hilarious Bill Burr, ladies and gentlemen. All right. We'll be back next week. Until then, go fuck yourself, and give everybody a big hug and a kiss. Hey, thank you for helping me promote the show.

I really appreciate it. For real, go buy it. I've been watching Bill work this material out. I saw you at the Ice House recently. Fucking hilarious set. It's a funny, funny, funny, funny dude. So that's it, folks. I gotta take a piss.

See you soon. Bye-bye. Big kiss.